diff options
Diffstat (limited to '39583-h/39583-h.htm')
| -rw-r--r-- | 39583-h/39583-h.htm | 2487 |
1 files changed, 2487 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/39583-h/39583-h.htm b/39583-h/39583-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b80787f --- /dev/null +++ b/39583-h/39583-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2487 @@ + +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + +<head> + +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, July 14, 1894.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + +<!-- + +body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + +p {text-align: justify;} + +p.author {margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%; text-align: right;} + +p.center {text-align: center;} + +p.indent {text-indent: 1.5em;} + +blockquote {text-align: justify;} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + +pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + +hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + +html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + +hr.full {width: 100%;} + +html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + +hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + +html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + +.note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + +span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + +span.cursive {font-family: "Blackmoor LET", cursive;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: normal;} + +.poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + +.poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + +.poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + +.figure {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figcenter {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figright {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figleft {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figure img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figcenter img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figright img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figleft img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figure p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figcenter p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figright p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figleft p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} .figure p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figcenter p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figright p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figleft p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figcenter {margin: auto;} + +.figright {float: right;} + +.figleft {float: left;} + +--> + +/* Footnotes */ + +.footnotes {border: dashed 1px; background-color: #CCCCCC;} + +.footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + +.footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + +.fnanchor { + vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: + none; +} + +.right {text-align: right;} + +div.tnote { + border-style: dotted; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + padding: 1%; + font-style: normal; + font-size: 90%; + text-align: justify; +} +</style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, +July 14th 1894, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, July 14th 1894 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 30, 2012 [EBook #39583] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Vol. 107.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>July 14, 1894.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page13" id="page13"></a>[pg 13]</span></p> + +<h2>THE DIURNAL FEMININE.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Let others read the "latest news"</p> +<p class="i2">Our daily papers offer,</p> +<p>Take pleasure in the smart reviews</p> +<p class="i2">And chuckle with the scoffer,</p> +<p>Enjoy the leaders, or appraise</p> +<p class="i2">The newest "Labour Crisis,"</p> +<p>Or smile to learn, that Brighton A's</p> +<p class="i2">Maintain their recent prices.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I only find such trifles vex,</p> +<p class="i2">I do not seek instruction</p> +<p>Upon the blemishes which X.</p> +<p class="i2">Perceives in Y.'s production,</p> +<p>And stocks may fall like anything,</p> +<p class="i2">They'll not affect my fate, or</p> +<p>Compel less cheerfully to sing</p> +<p class="i2">This <i>vacuus viator</i>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The reason why I daily make</p> +<p class="i2">My sacrifice of pennies,</p> +<p>Is merely for a column's sake</p> +<p class="i2">Which scarce, perhaps, for men is,</p> +<p>And yet it elevates, refines,</p> +<p class="i2">It stirs the noblest passions,</p> +<p>That article whose moving lines</p> +<p class="i2">Are headed "Latest Fashions."</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>What joy to ascertain in print</p> +<p class="i2">The latest mode in dresses,</p> +<p>To learn the new artistic tint</p> +<p class="i2">Adopted by Princesses,</p> +<p>To roam the galleries with her</p> +<p class="i2">Whose eulogies and strictures</p> +<p>To hats and dress alone refer,</p> +<p class="i2">And never deal with pictures!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Let troubles still oppress the State</p> +<p class="i2">With all their usual rigour,</p> +<p>Let politicians still debate</p> +<p class="i2">With undiminished vigour,</p> +<p>Of such the common person reads,</p> +<p class="i2">But give to <i>me</i> the papers</p> +<p>That chronicle at length the deeds</p> +<p class="i2">Of milliners and drapers!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>STATE AID FOR MATRIMONY.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a University Extensionist.</i>)</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—What a charming little +theatre that is at Burlington House! I missed +you at the <i>matinées</i> there a few days ago. Of +course you know the Travelling Provincial +Company of the Universities' Guild for the +Extension of High-Class Comedy? Well, +they visited the Metropolis for their coming-of-age, +and gave the new extravaganza of +<i>Hodge, B. Sc.</i>, or <i>The Vision of Peers and +the Plowman</i>. This had nothing to do with +<i>Jupiter, LL. D.</i>, though no fewer than three +noble Chancellors took a leading part at the +different performance. After all it was +nothing but a dished-up version of the old +play of <i>Gentleman Geordie</i>, or <i>The Cultured +Collier</i>; only the pitman business is a little +played out, and the victim of Agricultural +Enlightment is just now the vogue, thanks to +the County Councils.</p> + +<p class="indent">But what interest, you will say, <i>can</i> this +weary work have for "the young person" (is +not that the phrase?). Why should <span class="smcap">Ethel</span> +and I and the other country cousins, who are +up to have a good time, waste our precious +moments on University Extension, when they +might have been given to the galleries, or, +better still, to the shops? Dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, +you will not betray my confidence and print +my real name, <i>will</i> you, if I tell you the +reason? I do so in the hope that you will +use your great and good influence to support +our claim for State aid in a matter deeply interesting +us girls in the provinces.</p> + +<p class="indent">I have always thought that the most +important object of University Extension +has been overlooked. It certainly was the +other day. I mean this. In the present +unparalleled depression of the matrimonial +market, what we want is a constant supply +of nice, eligible young men from the University +"brought home to our very doors," as +they say about culture and the people. We +cannot <i>all</i> live in garrison towns, and what +are two or three curates among so many? +Already, as I have seen in one of the magazines +for young ladies, the cleric cloth is +being supplanted in romantic fiction by the +lay lecturer's velveteen. But we must have +State said, and, if necesary, create a fresh +Government Department, for the increase +and support of this class of men. The profession +would be very popular; those who +joined it would keep marrying and moving +on (I hope I express myself intelligently), +and there would soon be enough to go round.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Ethel's</span> papa, who is not very rich, and has +a large family, told her that people in Rome +who married, and had three children, got a +sort of degree for it, and were let off taxes. +It seems to me that the scheme for State aid +which I suggest is a much more modest one.</p> + +<p class="indent">A man that played the title-rôle in <i>Hodge, +B. Sc</i>., gave vent to what I considered a very +stupid sentiment. "Give us," he said, +"some really useful and sensible instruction, +not silly lectures about Love and Marriage, +just to make people laugh!" This only +shows how dreadfully void of finer feeling is +your man of Agricultural Enlightenment. +Why, we once had a <i>delightful</i> course on +almost the very subjects at which he was +ignorantly pleased to scoff! It was given by +an interesting-looking young graduate from +St. Valentine's, and was called "Byron and +Shelley, with dissolving views." I remember +well the questions set by him for one of +the weekly papers. Shall I repeat them? +He had just been lecturing on <i>Don Juan</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent">1. Give in alphabetical order the chief attractions +of the Hero of our poem.</p> + +<p class="indent">2. Cite parallels to <i>Don Juan</i> among the +gentleman friends of your acquaintance <i>other +than Extension Lecturers</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent">3. Contrast the character (if any) of <i>Haidee</i> +with that of (<i>a</i>) <i>The Maid of Athens</i>, +(<i>b</i>) <i>Queen Mab</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent">I took a lot of pains over this paper, and I +sent the lecturer an anonymous button-hole, +with a request (in the same handwriting as +on the answer-paper) that he would wear my +floral tribute at lecture. He did so, and expressed +himself as greatly pleased with my +work. On my exercise (which I have kept) +he wrote the following observation:—"Excellent; +most appreciative and womanly; I +thank you; should like to discuss a small +question with you after class."</p> + +<p class="indent">Now we want more of this spirit among +Extension Lecturers. True, the one of whom +I spoke turned out afterwards to have been +married all the time, and I <i>do</i> think he should +have mentioned it on the cover of his syllabus; +but the principle holds good just the same.</p> + +<p class="indent">So, dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, on this question of +State aid, at which I have (as I hope with +delicacy) hinted above, you <i>will</i> help us, won't +you?</p> + +<p class="right">Your devoted, <span class="smcap">Madge</span>.</p> + +<p class="indent">P.S.—Couldn't <i>you</i> lecture to us on something +nice, and help to raise a fund for our +scheme?</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<a href="images/013.png"><img width="100%" src="images/013.png" alt="" /></a> <h3>MR. PUNCH'S ILLUSTRATED LAW REPORTS.</h3> + +<p class="indent">No. 1.—"<span class="smcap">Alleged Contempt of Court by an Infant.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>YET ANOTHER MEMOIR OF NAPOLEON.</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,—There are so many +lives of the great <span class="smcap">Napoleon</span> being published +nowadays that one might fancy the former +ruler of France must have been as many-careered +as a cat. Still, it may be interesting +to your readers if I give a few particulars of +the great man that have not yet appeared in +print, if I except the pages of your own immortal +volumes.</p> + +<p class="indent">I had the pleasure of meeting the great +<span class="smcap">Napoleon</span> some forty or fifty years ago; he was +then in his prime.</p> + +<p class="indent">In personal appearance he was not unlike +the portraits so familiar to the public. In +spite of his enthusiastic devotion for France, +he invariably addressed his troops in the +English language. This is a characteristic +that seemingly has escaped the attention of +all his biographers.</p> + +<p class="indent">The numbers and quality of his army have +been much exaggerated. Although in his +speeches he was accustomed to boast of the +strength of his troops, as a matter of fact +they could be more easily counted by tens than +hundreds. His artillery was almost a myth, +and the ammunition was chiefly composed of +crackers. As for his cavalry, the horses were +showy but unreliable, many of them had white +spots, and not a few were extremely intelligent. +His favourite charger had been known +on occasion (when engaged in circus duty) to +drink a glass of sherry with the clown.</p> + +<p class="indent">But there is one point I particularly wish +to set right. Although known by the public +as <span class="smcap">Napoleon Buonaparte</span>, my hero in private +life was invariably called by his intimates +"poor old <span class="smcap">Gomersal</span>."</p> + +<p class="center">Yours respectfully,</p> +<p><i>The Amphitheatre</i> <span class="smcap">Boswell Redivivus</span>.</p> +<p class="indent"><i>Within Site of Astley's.</i></p> + +<p class="indent">P.S.—I saw the latest actor's edition of +<span class="smcap">Napoleon</span> the other night at the Gaiety. He +wasn't "in it" with "<span class="smcap">Gomersal</span>,"—but then +<span class="smcap">Gomersal</span> was occasionally on horseback; still, +there was the uniform and the snuff-box.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page14" id="page14"></a>[pg 14]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<a href="images/014.png"><img width="100%" src="images/014.png" alt="" /></a> <h3>FANCY PORTRAIT.</h3> + +<p><i>Lord Chief Justice</i> . . . <span class="smcap">Lord Russell of Killowen.</span></p> + +<p><i>King Henry the Fifth</i> . . <span class="smcap">Mr Punch.</span></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"<span class="smcap">You are right, Justice, and you weigh this well;</span></p> +<p><span class="smcap">Therefore still bear the Balance, and the Sword:</span></p> +<p><span class="smcap">And I do wish your Honours may increase!</span>"</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="right"><i>Second Part of King Henry the Fourth</i>, Act., V Sc. 2.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page15" id="page15"></a>[pg 15]</span></p> + +<h2>FANCY PORTRAIT.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>A Shakspearian "Living Picture" up to date.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Lord Chief Justice</i>. . . <span class="smcap">Lord Russell of Killowen.</span></p> + +<p><i>King Henry the Fifth</i>. . <span class="smcap">Mr. Punch.</span></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>King.</i> You are right, Justice, and you weigh this well;</p> +<p>Therefore still bear the balance, and the sword:</p> +<p>And I do wish your honours may increase!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>For which I do commit into your hand</p> +<p>The unstained sword <span class="smcap">Coleridge</span> was used to bear;</p> +<p>With this remembrance,—That you use the same</p> +<p>With the like bold, just, and impartial spirit</p> +<p>As you have shown before. There is my hand!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="right"><i>Second Part of King Henry the Fourth,</i></p> +<p class="right"><i>Act V. Sc. 2 (slightly altered).</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>As <span class="smcap">Harry</span> unto <span class="smcap">Gascoigne</span> gave,</p> +<p class="i2">So <i>Punch</i> to <span class="smcap">Russell</span> gladly gives</p> +<p>That Sword which frights but rogue and slave,</p> +<p class="i2">By which our ordered freedom lives;</p> +<p>And gives therewith his hand in token</p> +<p>Of pleasure more than may be spoken.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Nought have you "done that misbecame</p> +<p class="i2">Your place, your person," or your power.</p> +<p>'Tis a right crown of crescent fame,</p> +<p class="i2">Of fitness full befitting dower,</p> +<p>That you, my Lord, "have foremost hand"</p> +<p>In dealing justice round the land.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If set in quaint Shakspearian guise,</p> +<p class="i2">Not less the motley-wearing Sage</p> +<p>Gaily presents to serious eyes</p> +<p class="i2">A Living Picture for the Age.</p> +<p>So "take it—earnest wed with sport," +<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a> +<a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a></p> +<p>From one who, stooping not to court,</p> +<p>Loves e'en to praise in merry sort!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<div class="footnotes"> +<div class="footnote"> +<p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a> +<a href="#FNanchor_1_1"> +<span class="label">[1]</span></a> +<span class="smcap">Tennyson's</span> <i>The Day Dream</i>.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE HARDY ANNUAL AT HENLEY</h2> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Or, Lunch among the Rowers</span>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Air</span>—"<i>Love among the Ruins</i>."</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When the early cat erotically smiles</p> +<p class="i2">On the tiles,</p> +<p>I arise and rather accurately fling</p> +<p class="i2">Any thing</p> +<p>That is handy and adapted to my sense</p> +<p class="i2">Of offence;</p> +<p>Then I reconstruct my well-avengèd head</p> +<p class="i2">On the bed;</p> +<p>But the hope of sleep deferred is deadly dull,</p> +<p class="i2">So I cull</p> +<p>Memoranda from the great and golden time</p> +<p class="i2">Of my prime.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Twenty years ago at Henley-on-the-Thames,</p> +<p class="i2">While the gems</p> +<p>Of the season simply sparkled into cheers,</p> +<p class="i2">(Little dears!)</p> +<p>I endeavoured to secure the Ladies' Plate;</p> +<p class="i2">Though of late</p> +<p>I have been the painful object of remark</p> +<p class="i2">In a barque;</p> +<p>But the circuit of my waist was not as yet</p> +<p class="i2">Fifty, nett;</p> +<p>And I fancy I was feeling pretty fit;</p> +<p class="i2">That was it.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Then</i> I fed on oaten fare and milky slops,</p> +<p class="i2">Steaks and chops;</p> +<p>Never, never looked a lobster in the face,</p> +<p class="i2">And the race</p> +<p>Saw me down to just eleven at the scales,</p> +<p class="i2">Hard as nails;</p> +<p><i>Now</i> I very much prefer to view the hunt</p> +<p class="i2">From a punt,</p> +<p>Or a houseboat, or an ark, or any sort</p> +<p class="i2">Of support,</p> +<p>While I minimise the necessary strain</p> +<p class="i2">With champagne.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>At the yearly celebration it's the rule,</p> +<p class="i2">Hot or cool,</p> +<p>For a girl with yellow eyes and eager hair</p> +<p class="i2">To be there,</p> +<p>By a mass of mayonnaise and pigeon-pie;</p> +<p class="i2">So am I!</p> +<p>Oh the glory of the battle past recall!</p> +<p class="i2">After all,</p> +<p>What with hearts that freely wobble, stitch that stabs,</p> +<p class="i2">And the crabs,</p> +<p>And the quicken up to forty round the chest—</p> +<p class="i2">Lunch is best!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<a href="images/015.png"><img width="100%" src="images/015.png" alt="" /></a> <h3>MODESTY</h3> + +<p class="indent"><i>Housewife.</i> "<span class="smcap">Well, if I give you some Breakfast, you'll have to earn it by +Chopping some Wood for me.</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Tramp.</i> "<span class="smcap">I'd like ter 'blige yer, Lady. But, bleshyer 'art, 'tain't fer the +likes o' me ter foller in the Footsteps o' Mr. Gladstone!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Specially-arranged Motto for the +Victoria Steamboat Association's New +Vessel "The Palm.</span>"—"<i>Palma, quæ +meruit, ferat</i>,"—(<i>i.e.</i>, Let <i>The Palm</i> carry +as many as she was constructed to carry, and +not more).</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Old Loves for New.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>New Version of an Old Song.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>If</i> 'tis good to be merry and wise,</p> +<p class="i2"><i>If</i> 'tis good to be honest and true,</p> +<p>Then 'tis good to keep on with the old "Woman,"</p> +<p class="i2">And carefully keep off the New:</p> +<p>For of honesty, truthfulness, wisdom, <i>and</i> mirth,</p> +<p>The "New Woman" shows a most plentiful dearth.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">The German Derby (61,000 marks) was won +at Hamburg by Baron <span class="smcap">Münchausen's</span> <i>Spider</i>. +The Baron has done many wonderful things +in his lifetime (<i>vide</i> the history of his adventures), +and it was a foregone conclusion that +if he ran a horse at the Derby he was bound +not only to win, but to make something more +than his mark.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page16" id="page16"></a>[pg 16]</span></p> + +<h2>LYRE AND LANCET.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>A Story in Scenes.</i>)</p> + +<p class="center">PART II.—SELECT PASSAGES FROM A COMING POET.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Scene II.</span>—<i>The Morning Room at Wyvern.</i> Lady <span class="smcap">Rhoda +Cokayne</span>, Mrs. <span class="smcap">Brooke-Chatteris</span>, <i>and</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Vivien Spelwane</span> +<i>are comfortably established near the fireplace. The</i> +Hon. <span class="smcap">Bertie Pilliner</span>, Captain <span class="smcap">Thicknesse</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Archie +Bearpark</span> <i>have just drifted in.</i></p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Miss Spelwane.</i> Why, you <i>don't</i> mean to say you've torn yourselves +away from your beloved billiards already? <i>Quite</i> wonderful!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bertie Pilliner.</i> It's too <i>horrid</i> of you to leave us to play all by +ourselves! We've all got so cross and fractious we've come in here +to be petted!</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>He arranges himself at her feet, so as to exhibit a very neat +pair of silk socks and pumps.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent"><i>Captain Thicknesse</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Do hate to see a fellow come +down in the mornin' with evenin' shoes on!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Archie Bearpark</i> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Bertie Pilliner</span>). You speak for yourself, +<span class="smcap">Pilliner</span>. <i>I</i> didn't come to be petted. +Came to see if Lady <span class="smcap">Rhoda</span> wouldn't +come and toboggan down the big +staircase on a tea-tray. <i>Do!</i> It's +clinkin' sport!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Capt. Thick.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). If there's +one thing I <i>can't</i> stand it's a rowdy +bullyraggin' ass like <span class="smcap">Archie</span>!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Lady Rhoda.</i> Ta muchly, dear boy, +but you don't catch me travellin' +downstairs on a tea-tray <i>twice</i>—it's +just a bit <i>too</i> clinkin', don't you know!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Archie</i> (<i>disappointed</i>). Why, there 's +a mat at the bottom of the stairs! +Well, if you won't, let's get up a +cushion fight, then. <span class="smcap">Bertie</span> and I +will choose sides. <span class="smcap">Pilliner</span>, I'll toss +you for first pick up—come out of +that, do.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bertie</i> (<i>lazily</i>). Thanks, I'm much +too comfy where I am. And I don't +see any point in romping and rumpling +one's hair just before lunch.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Archie.</i> Well, you <i>are</i> slack. And +there's a good hour still before lunch. +<span class="smcap">Thicknesse</span>, <i>you</i> suggest something, +there's a dear old chap.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Capt. Thick.</i> (<i>after a mental effort</i>). +Suppose we all go and have another +look round at the gees—eh, what?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bertie.</i> I beg to oppose. Do let's +show <i>some</i> respect for the privacy of +the British hunter. Why should I go +and smack them on their fat backs, +and feel every one of their horrid legs +twice in one morning? I shouldn't +like a horse coming into my bedroom +at all hours to smack <i>me</i> on the back. +I should <i>hate</i> it!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris.</i> I love them—dear +things! But still, it's so wet, +and it would mean going up and +changing our shoes too—perhaps Lady +<span class="smcap">Rhoda</span>——</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[Lady <span class="smcap">Rhoda</span> <i>flatly declines +to stir before lunch</i>.</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> +<a href="images/016.png"><img width="100%" src="images/016.png" alt="" /></a> + +<p class="indent">"I'll read you a regular rouser called 'A Trumpet Blast.'"</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Capt. Thick.</i> (<i>resentfully</i>). Only thought it was better than loafin' +about, that's all. (<i>To himself.</i>) I do bar a woman who's afraid of +a little mud. (<i>He saunters up to</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Spelwane</span> <i>and absently +pulls the ear of a Japanese spaniel on her knee.</i>) Poo' little fellow, +then!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Miss Spelw.</i> Poor little fellow? On My lap!!!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Capt. Thick.</i> Oh, it—ah—didn't occur to me that he was on <i>your</i> +lap. He don't seem to mind <i>that</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Miss Spelw.</i> No? <i>How</i> forbearing of him! Would you mind not +standing quite so much in my light, I can't see my work.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Capt. Thick.</i> (<i>to himself, retreating</i>). That girl's always fishin' for +compliments. I didn't rise <i>that</i> time, though. It's precious slow +here. I've a good mind to say I must get back to Aldershot this +afternoon.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>He wanders aimlessly about the room;</i> <span class="smcap">Archie Bearpark</span> +<i>looks out of window with undisguised boredom.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent"><i>Lady Rhoda.</i> I say, if none of you are goin' to be more amusin' +than this, you may as well go back to your billiards again.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bertie.</i> Dear Lady <span class="smcap">Rhoda</span>, how cruel of you! You'll have to let +<i>me</i> stay. I'll be <i>so</i> good. Look here, I'll read aloud to you. I <i>can</i>—quite +prettily. What shall it be? you don't care? no more do I. +I'll take the first that comes. (<i>He reaches for the nearest volume on +a table close by.</i>) How <i>too</i> delightful! Poetry—which I know you +<i>all</i> adore.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>He turns over the leaves.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent"><i>Lady Rhoda.</i> If you ask <i>me</i>, I simply loathe it.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bertie.</i> Ah, but then you never heard <i>me</i> read it, you know. Now, +here is a choice little bit, stuck right up in a corner, as if it had been +misbehaving itself. "Disenchantment" it's called.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>He reads.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"My Love has sicklied unto Loath,</p> +<p class="i2">And foul seems all that fair I fancied—</p> +<p>The lily's sheen a leprous growth,</p> +<p class="i2">The very buttercups are rancid!"</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Archie.</i> Jove! The Johnny who wrote that must have been feelin' +chippy!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bertie. </i>He gets cheaper than that in the next poem. This is his +idea of "Abasement."</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>He reads.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"With matted head a-dabble in the dust,</p> +<p>And eyes tear-sealèd in a saline crust,</p> +<p>I lie all loathly in my rags and rust—</p> +<p>Yet learn that strange delight may lurk in self-disgust."</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent">Now, do you know, I rather like that—it's +so very decadent!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Lady Rhoda.</i> I should call it utter +rot, myself.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bertie</i> (<i>blandly</i>). Forgive me, Lady +<span class="smcap">Rhoda</span>. "Utterly rotten," if you +like, but <i>not</i> "utter rot." There's a +difference, really. Now, I'll read you +a quaint little production which has +dropped down to the bottom of the +page, in low spirits, I suppose. "Stanza +written in Depression near Dulwich."</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>He reads.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"The lark soars up in the air; The</p> +<p class="i2">toad sits tight in his hole;</p> +<p>And I would I were certain which of</p> +<p class="i2">the pair Were the truer type of my soul!"</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Archie.</i> I should be inclined to back +the toad, myself.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Miss Spelw.</i> If you must read, do +choose something a little less dismal. +Aren't there any love songs?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bertie.</i> I'll look. Yes, any amount—here's +one. (<i>He reads</i>). "To My +Lady."</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Twine, lanken fingers lily-lithe,</p> +<p class="i2">Gleam, slanted eyes all beryl-green,</p> +<p>Pout, blood-red lips that burst awrithe,</p> +<p class="i2">Then—kiss me, Lady <span class="smcap">Grisoline</span>!"</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Miss Spelw.</i> (<i>interested</i>). So <i>that's</i> +his type. Does he mention whether +she <i>did</i> kiss him?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bertie.</i> Probably. Poets are always +privileged to kiss and tell. I'll see ... +h'm, ha, yes; he <i>does</i> mention it ... I +think I'll read something else. Here's +a classical specimen.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>He reads.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Uprears the monster now his slobberous head,</p> +<p class="i2">Its filamentous chaps her ankles brushing;</p> +<p>Her twice-five roseal toes are cramped in dread,</p> +<p class="i2">Each maidly instep mauven-pink is flushing."</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent">And so on, don't you know.... Now I'll read you a regular +rouser called "A Trumpet Blast." Sit tight, everybody!</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>He reads.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Pale Patricians, sunk in self-indulgence, (One for <i>you</i>, dear <span class="smcap">Archie</span>!)</p> +<p class="i2"> Blink your blearèd eyes. (Blink, pretty creatures, blink!)</p> +<p class="i2">Behold the Sun—</p> +<p>—Burst proclaim, in purpurate effulgence,</p> +<p class="i2"> Demos dawning, and the Darkness—done!"</p> +</div> +</div> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>General hilarity</i>, <i>amidst which</i> Lady <span class="smcap">Culverin</span> <i>enters.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent"><i>Lady Culverin.</i> So <i>glad</i> you all contrive to keep your spirits up, in +spite of this dismal weather. What is it that's amusing you all so +much, eh, dear <span class="smcap">Vivien</span>?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Miss Spelw.</i> <span class="smcap">Bertie Pilliner</span> has been reading aloud to us, dear +Lady <span class="smcap">Culverin</span>—<i>the</i> most ridiculous poetry—made us all simply +shriek. What's the name of it? (<i>Taking the volume out of</i> +<span class="smcap">Bertie's</span> <i>hand.</i>) Oh, <i>Andromeda, and other poems</i>. By <span class="smcap">Clarion +Blair</span>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Lady Culv.</i> (<i>coldly</i>). <span class="smcap">Bertie Pilliner</span> can turn everything into +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page17" id="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span> +ridicule, we all know, but probably you are not aware that these +particular poems are considered quite wonderful by all competent +judges. Indeed, my sister-in-law——</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>All</i> (<i>in consternation</i>). Lady <span class="smcap">Cantire</span>! Is <i>she</i> the author? Oh, +of course, if we'd had any idea!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Lady Culv.</i> I've no reason to believe that Lady <span class="smcap">Cantire</span> ever +composed <i>any</i> poetry. I was only going to say that she was most +interested in the author, and as she and my niece <span class="smcap">Maisie</span> are coming +to us this evening——</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Miss Spelw.</i> Dear Lady <span class="smcap">Culverin</span>, the verses are quite, <i>quite</i> +beautiful; it was only the way they were read.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Lady Culv.</i> I am glad to hear you say so, my dear, because I'm +also expecting the pleasure of seeing the author here, and you will +probably be his neighbour to-night. I hope, <span class="smcap">Bertie</span>, that you will +remember that this young man is a very distinguished genius; there +is no wit that <i>I</i> can discover in making fun of what one doesn't +happen to understand.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>She passes on.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bertie</i> (<i>plaintively, after</i> Lady <span class="smcap">Culverin</span> <i>has left the room</i>). May +I trouble somebody to scrape me up? I'm pulverised! But really, +you know, a real live poet at Wyvern! I say, Miss <span class="smcap">Spelwane</span>, how +will you like to have him dabbling his matted head next to you +at dinner, eh?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Miss Spelw.</i> Perhaps I shall find a matted head more entertaining +than a smooth one. And if you've quite done with that volume, +I should like to have a look at it.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>She retires with it to her room.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent"><i>Archie</i> (<i>to himself</i>). I'm not half sorry this Poet-johnny's +comin'; I never caught a Bard in a booby-trap <i>yet</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Capt. Thick.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). She's coming—this very evening! +And I was nearly sayin' I must get back to Aldershot!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Lady Rhoda.</i> So Lady <span class="smcap">Cantire</span>'s comin'; we shall all have to be +on our hind legs now! But <span class="smcap">Maisie's</span> a dear thing. Do you know +her, Captain <span class="smcap">Thicknesse</span>!</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Capt. Thick.</i> I—I used to meet Lady <span class="smcap">Maisie Mull</span> pretty often +some time ago; don't know if she'll remember it, though.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Lady Rhoda.</i> She'll love meetin' this writin' man—she's so +fearfully romantic. I heard her say once that she'd give anythin' +to be idealised by a great poet—sort of—what's their names—<span class="smcap">Petrarch</span> +and <span class="smcap">Laura</span> business, don't you know. It will be rather +amusin' to see whether it comes off—won't it?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Capt. Thick.</i> (<i>choking</i>). I—ah—no affair of mine, really. (<i>To +himself.</i>) I'm not intellectual enough for her, I know that. Suppose +I shall have to stand by and look on at the Petrarchin'. Well, +there's always Aldershot!</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[<i>The luncheon gong sounds, to the general relief and satisfaction.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TO THE OXFORD CRICKET CAPTAIN.</h2> + +<p class="center">"<i>100, Not Out.</i>" <i>Monday, July 2, 1894.</i></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Congratulations, Mr. <span class="smcap">C. B. Fry</span>,</p> +<p>You neatly wiped the Cantab Light Blue eye,</p> +<p>And well deserved the fashionable shout</p> +<p>Which hailed you for your century, not out.</p> +<p>For your exploits, what language is too tall?</p> +<p>At cricket good alike with bat and ball,</p> +<p>Full back at football (that's Association),</p> +<p>At jumping lengthways—well, you lick creation.</p> +<p>In Schools no idler when stern duty calls,</p> +<p>Already having got a First in "Smalls."</p> +<p>Yes, Oxford surely boasts to-day in you,</p> +<p>Her most distinguished son, a Triple Blue.</p> +<p>The Lord's good wicket made a scoring high day,</p> +<p>But you yourself turned Monday into Fry-day!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Anarchist Attempt on a Well-known Bridge.</span>—After several +failures, the Hampton Court Bridge was shot yesterday evening by +a young man, supposed to be an Anarchist, whose name and address +remain a profound secret, as, owing to his having taken his outrigger +by the hour, and, having paid his shot, there was no excuse for his +detention by the assistants in charge of the boats. He had been +dining freely at a neighbouring hostelrie, the sign of which being +"The Mitre," suggested to the intelligent detective in charge of the +case the probability of the wretched youth being a "dîne-à-mitre." +Furnished with this clue, the police are on his track. Fortunately +the bridge escaped without injury, and this morning it not only +crossed the river itself without difficulty, but assisted many travellers +to do the same.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Aspiration.</span>—A youthful rhymist, inspired by the Derby, wishes +to become a Sporting Poet. "'Poet' and 'Prophet,'" he learnedly +observes, "meant about the same thing in Homeric times; and, +indeed, in most prophecies of coming events on the turf I have +generally found more of poetry than of profit." The modest rhymster +says, that as he can never hope to be first in the field of poetry, "he +may at least become <i>a second Ossy-'un</i>."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"> +<a href="images/017.png"><img width="100%" src="images/017.png" alt="" /></a> <p>L'Attaque du Moulin (à poivre)</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent">It strikes me forcibly that the Wagnerian idea has influenced all +recent compositions. Nothing is now done without a "motive." It +may be a good motive, or a bad motive, or an inadequate motive, or +an indifferent motive; but motive there must be with our most modern +school of composers, who, adopting the Wagnerian idea, (not in itself +a purely original one,) and improving on it, attribute less importance +to the "Act" than to the "motive," though by a reflex action the +scheme of the Act suggests, organises, and it may be added, orchestrates +the "motives." <i>L'Attaque du Moulin</i> is a practical example +of this theory. It is +not styled an opera +but a lyric drama in +four acts. It is founded +by <span class="smcap">M. Louis Gallet</span> +on <span class="smcap">Zola's</span> story; it is +reduced to plain English +by Mr. <span class="smcap">Weatherly</span>; +the music is by <span class="smcap">Alfred +Bruneau</span>; and for the +stage management, +which has so largely +conduced to its success, +Sir <span class="smcap">Augustus Druriolanus</span> +is responsible. +It is not what the +sporting papers term +"a merry mill," though +there is plenty of fighting. +There <i>are</i> some +songs in it, and there +are some melodies—or +mill-odies—which +may catch on when heard a second or third time; but they certainly +do not arrest the attention at a first hearing. The music, I judge +only from the one representation, seems lacking in those catching-on +airs which, coupled with the admirable acting of the principals, +made the fortune, <i>sur le champ</i>, of the <i>Cavalleria Rusticana</i>. But +a "wind-mill" without any "air" can't be expected to "go."</p> + +<p class="indent">Madame <span class="smcap">Delna</span> is forcibly dramatic, true, but not powerful as a +singer, at least in Covent Garden. Nor is there in the character of this +Maid of the Mill any such great opportunity whereby to test the power +of the actress as there is in the part of <i>Santuzza</i>, or of <i>Anita</i> +in <i>La Navarraise</i>. Madame <span class="smcap">Delna</span> may be all that enthusiastic reporters +have said she is, but she must have a great deal of power in +reserve, for the display of which this opera does not offer the chance. +Mons. <span class="smcap">Bouvet</span> as <i>Merlier</i>, the Miller, who "created" the part in Paris, +is good, but his acting is somewhat monotonous. Madame <span class="smcap">de Nuovina</span> +as <i>Françoise</i>, is a young <i>Lady Macbeth</i>, who gives the dagger +and does not request that it may be returned to her again when done +with. <span class="smcap">M. Bonnard</span>, as the <i>Singing Sentinel</i>, reminding me of +<span class="smcap">Gilbert</span> and <span class="smcap">Sullivan's</span> <i>Sentinel</i> "with a song" in one of the Savoy +Series, was very good; and Mons. <span class="smcap">Cossira</span>, excellent as the escaping +prisoner, bore so strong a resemblance to the Director of the Fortunes +of Covent Garden and Drury Lane, that people looked twice at their +programmes in order to be quite sure that an apology for the singer +had not been made, and that the much-talented Sir <span class="smcap">Druriolanus</span> had +not, at the shortest possible notice, consented to be his "<i>remplaçant</i>." +Mons. <span class="smcap">Albers</span>, as the <i>German Captain</i>, ought to be in receipt of a +very large salary, seeing "how wide he opens his mouth" when +singing. All were good in the best of all possible operatic entertainments, +including the unequalled orchestra conducted by <span class="smcap">M. Ph. +Flon</span>, (is this "Phlon-<span class="smcap">Flon</span>"?) who has taken his turn with Signori +<span class="smcap">Bevignani</span>, <span class="smcap">Mancinelli</span>, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Frederic Cowen</span>, the last-mentioned +coming to look after his new Opera of <i>Signa</i>, in which +Madame <span class="smcap">de Nuovina</span> was charming, and Signor <span class="smcap">Benjamino Davieso</span> +appeared as the Anglo-Italian Tenor. Congratulations to Signor +<span class="smcap">Frederico Coweni</span>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Saturday night.</i> <i>Elaine.</i> "If it's not very lively," observes Sir +<span class="smcap">Augustus</span> beforehand, "still it must be remembered that I have +not only at heart the interests—and in pocket the interest—of Covent +Garden, but also of '<i>Drear Elaine</i>.' Should it prove a joyous opera +and attract the people, then I shall consider it as an example of +'Drawer-Elaine' at Covent Garden. But now—hark!—let us not +trifle with time and tune. <span class="smcap">Mancinelli</span> is raising his <i>bâton</i>, up goes +the curtain, and all in to begin. <i>Nous verrons.</i>" And the "all" +includes the Prince and Princess of <span class="smcap">Wales</span> and their two unmarried +daughters, and a very good house indeed. "And how is <i>Elaine</i>?" +is the question. "Very well, thank you, and much better than she +was two years ago," is the reply. <i>Elaine</i> is decidedly thinner. One +Act gone, and other judicious cuts have reduced her. The opera is +consequently lighter. Due weight, however, is given to it by +Madame <span class="smcap">Melba</span> and <span class="smcap">Jean de Reszké</span>. <span class="smcap">Druriolanus</span> has followed +the precedent of "cutting the 'osses." But the "cackle" of geese +followeth not. On the contrary, the applause is abundant.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page18" id="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<a href="images/018.png"><img width="100%" src="images/018.png" alt="" /></a> <h3>MUSIC AT HOME.</h3> +<p class="indent"><i>Hostess.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh, thank you for your lovely Music, Herr Blumentoff! It's just what I like. It blends so perfectly +with the Conversation without in the least interrupting it!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>WAITING THEIR TURN.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>In the Hot Room, St. Stephen's Baths, +Westminster.</i>)</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Bath-Man, loquitur:</i>—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Pouf! 'Tis slow work! Were I a Turk,</p> +<p class="i2">Fancy I'd put it through more expeditiously!</p> +<p>Poor little Bills! Funkiness fills</p> +<p class="i2">All their small souls! See 'em glancing suspiciously,</p> +<p>Timid and torrid! Finding it horrid</p> +<p class="i2">Waiting their turns for shampooing and plunging</p> +<p>Parboiled and limp, each, as a shrimp;</p> +<p class="i2">No great result for my long scurryfunging!!!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Faith, I <i>am</i> tired! Been much admired</p> +<p class="i2">For my long patience with Big <span class="smcap">Billy Budget</span>.</p> +<p><i>He</i> got it hot! Worrying lot</p> +<p class="i2">Some of these fellows. But <span class="smcap">Billy</span> will trudge it</p> +<p>Pretty soon, now. <i>Splosh!!!</i> What a row!</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">Billy</span> is bulky, and makes a big splashing.</p> +<p>Head-first he goes, kicks up his toes,—</p> +<p class="i2">All that is left after boiling and washing.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Thanks be <i>he's</i> through! What'll I do</p> +<p class="i2">Next, and which of 'em in waiting seems readiest?</p> +<p>I'm so restricted! Little "<span class="smcap">Evicted</span>,"</p> +<p class="i2">Small Irish bhoy, seems I fancy the steadiest.</p> +<p>"<span class="smcap">Equalisation?</span>" <i>His</i> perspiration</p> +<p class="i2">Something prodigious, and yet—well—the other!—</p> +<p>Oh! English, Scotch, Welsh, they all look like squelch,</p> +<p class="i2">And the task of selection is truly a bother!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Had I free choice,—Ah! but <i>my</i> voice</p> +<p class="i2">Only counts one nowadays in selection.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Balfour & Co.</span>—<i>they</i> run the show;</p> +<p class="i2">Matter I think for most urgent reflection.</p> +<p>They arrogate questions of date,</p> +<p class="i2">They set the time, and the tempera<i>ture</i> too.</p> +<p>If I insist, well, they'll resist,</p> +<p class="i2">Get their way, too, in the long run,—ah! sure to!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Nice state o' things! Wish I had wings!</p> +<p class="i2">Much rather boss small Bath by the Bosphorus!</p> +<p>Sixes and sevens now at St. Stephen's!</p> +<p class="i2">Running it all the year round at a loss—for us!</p> +<p>Look at 'em there, each on his chair,</p> +<p class="i2">Wobbly, perspiring and weary o' waiting!</p> +<p>Might have been done, every one,</p> +<p class="i2">But for Balfourian procrastinating.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Rum-looking lot! Don't they seem hot?</p> +<p class="i2">Little "<span class="smcap">Evicted</span>," young "<span class="smcap">Equalisation</span>."</p> +<p>Quite in a stew. The <i>other</i> two,—</p> +<p class="i2">Well, 'tis complete discumboblification!</p> +<p>Must make my choice! Waiting my voice!</p> +<p class="i2">Gentlemen please—Mr.—ahem! Oh! thunder!</p> +<p>They <i>all</i> pop up, prompt as a Krupp.</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Which had I better first call in I wonder?</i></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE NEW PARTY.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[Mr. <span class="smcap">Grant Allen</span> and several other advanced +politicians have started a new party, the members +of which are to be called Isocrats, a title very +similar to one coined by <span class="smcap">Coleridge</span> for a society +which he desired to found on principles of general +equality.—<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Many have heard of Pantisocracy,</p> +<p class="i2">A compound crude of <span class="smcap">Coleridge</span> and cant,</p> +<p>The latest products of Democracy</p> +<p class="i2">Dub themselves Isocrats without the "pant."</p> +<p>'Tis as it should be, is it not,</p> +<p class="i2">For what are they but <i>sans-culottes</i>?</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT LAST.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>At last the sky is actually blue.</p> +<p class="i2">Say not "dull, hazy, cloudy, overcast,"</p> +<p>O weather prophets, "fine" alone is true</p> +<p class="i2">At last.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>At last, as June is finishing, the Row</p> +<p class="i2">Looks bright and gay. The difference is vast;</p> +<p>The sunlit grass, the rhododendrons glow</p> +<p class="i2">At last.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>At last my topper flies not in the gale,</p> +<p class="i2">I gazing on its ruin quite aghast,</p> +<p>Nor gets all spotted after rain or hail,</p> +<p class="i2">At last.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>At last it rests serenely on my brow,</p> +<p class="i2">As firm as colours nailed to any mast;</p> +<p>In fact it's somewhat hot and heavy now,</p> +<p class="i2">At last.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>At last you sport your thinnest frocks, fair maid,</p> +<p class="i2">Sweet <span class="smcap">Chloe</span>, <span class="smcap">Phyllis</span>, <span class="smcap">Pyrrha</span>, prim or fast.</p> +<p>Now <span class="smcap">Amaryllis</span> dallies in the shade</p> +<p class="i2">At last.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>At last <span class="smcap">Neæra's</span> hair is undisturbed,</p> +<p class="i2">Not out of curl from damp, nor by the blast</p> +<p>In tangles blown. She smiles quite unperturbed</p> +<p class="i2">At last.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>At last. But soon the rain, the fog, the haze</p> +<p class="i2">May spoil light frocks that now sweep gaily past.</p> +<p>For <i>tempora mutantur</i>; such fine days</p> +<p class="i2">Can't last.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Travelling Motto at Holiday Time.</span>—"Too +many Cooks (tourists) spoil the Continent."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page19" id="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<a href="images/019.png"><img width="100%" src="images/019.png" alt="" /></a> <h3>WAITING THEIR TURN</h3> + +<p class="indent">(<i>In the Hot Room, St. Stephen's Baths, Westminster.</i>)</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Chief Attendant H-rc-rt</span> (<i>to himself</i>). "WHICH SHALL I TAKE NEXT?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<a href="images/021.png"><img width="100%" src="images/021.png" alt="" /></a> <h3>WHEEL OR WOE.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><i>Maud</i> (<i>who has had the misfortune to bring her Cousin from Provincial Town into the Row</i>). "<span class="smcap">But, good gracious! I thought you +were accustomed to Horses; in fact, you told me you had been Riding a good deal lately.</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>He</i> (<i>in intervals of bumping</i>). "<span class="smcap">B—b—but it was a B—b—Bicycle!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>NOMINE TANTUM.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>This morn, as now for half a score of years,</p> +<p class="i2">I comfortably caught the nine-fifteen;</p> +<p>At noon we met by chance—as noontide nears</p> +<p class="i2">Such the weeks round our daily chance has been;</p> +<p>Yet shipwrecked brother, newly come to land,</p> +<p>Could not more fiercely seize me by the hand.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>You ask me how I am, nor let it pass,</p> +<p class="i2">But keep on asking till I tell you how;</p> +<p>'Twere rude to bid you not to be an ass,</p> +<p class="i2">Churlish to turn a greeting to a row;</p> +<p>But, knowing that my general health is fair,</p> +<p>Why should you daily ask, why should you care?</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I sometimes wonder, while my knuckles ache</p> +<p class="i2">With unrequited pressure of your digits,</p> +<p>While whispered mysteries of nought you make,</p> +<p class="i2">And take no notice of my patent fidgets—</p> +<p>I wonder how a real old friend you'd flatter,</p> +<p>And how reveal a really private matter.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Think but a moment, (if you ever think,)</p> +<p class="i2">I never knead your knuckles with my thumb,</p> +<p>I never proffer an untimely drink,</p> +<p class="i2">About my own affairs I'm ever dumb,</p> +<p>Yet I believe, in your impulsive way,</p> +<p>You think we're bosom friends from childhood's day.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Yes, though they brand our English ways as cold,</p> +<p class="i2">Meetings like ours make glad the whole huge city.</p> +<p>The magnate, weighty as though shod with gold,</p> +<p class="i2">The lawyer's clerk, precocious, slim and writty,</p> +<p>All have the same convulsive warmth of greeting</p> +<p>For casual people whom they're always meeting.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Is it perchance self-preservation's law</p> +<p class="i2">That drives good will, drowning in Mammon's sea,</p> +<p>To clutch in frenzy at a man of straw,</p> +<p class="i2">And cheer a heart with the hand's amity,</p> +<p>That in the way of business would stab it—</p> +<p>Or is it only an absurd bad habit?</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A PUFF AND A BLOW.</h2> + +<p class="indent">Should tropical weather continue, let dusted, +wooden-pavemented, sore throated, weary Londoner, +take train Sunday Morning 11 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span> Victoria, +or rather let train take <i>him</i>, right away +to Dover, where he will at once step on board +the <i>Calais-Douvres</i>, and get one hour and a +quarter's worth of ozone into his system. Then +at 2.15 he will land at Calais, when, free of +baggage, wraps, and all such-like <i>impedimenta</i>, +he will walk into the buffet of the +hotel, and having made his choice from many +excellent things there set before him, he will +proceed to walk into his <i>déjeuner à la +fourchette</i>, for which meal he will have +ample time, seeing that the <i>Calais-Douvres</i> +does not start on its return voyage till 3.45. +After <i>déjeuner</i> comes the <i>fourchette</i>, or "fork +out," which, if the voyageur be wisely content +with the <i>ordinaire</i>, will amount to a +very moderate sum. Then, exclaiming with +the ancient pirate of bye-gone nautical melodrama, +"Once aboard the lugger and we are +free," he will saunter, leisurely, with cigar, +pipe, or cigarette, according to the taste and +fancy of the smoker, down to the boat. +There, if he be wise and wary, he will at once +re-embark, in order to secure a comfortable +arm-chair in a good position, long before any +trains bearing hot and dusty travellers from +Belgium or Paris shall appear. There he can +sit, smoking calmly under a cool sunshade, +placidly watching the shooting of the luggage, +which is unattended by any danger, +each box going off with a very slight noise, +and he can calmly wonder at the anxiety of +the passengers. Then, farewell France, welcome +back to the shores of Old England, and +the adventurous Briton will find himself +landed at Victoria Terminus by 7.15 or it may +be 7.20, with another ozonised appetite, ready +for a dinner <i>chez lui</i>,—or <i>chez</i> anybody who'll +give him one,—and afterwards, sufficiently +tired, neither fagged nor weary, he will be +certain of a good sleep at an early hour, and +sure to wake in the morning all the better and +fresher for his outing and his inn-ing.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[N. B.—Fine weather and gentle breeze +taken for granted.]</p> +</blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h2>LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES.</h2> + +<p class="center">IV.—<span class="smcap">Between the Dances.</span></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If I were—<span class="smcap">Jack</span>, and you were—<span class="smcap">Jill</span>,</p> +<p>Our waltz of some few minutes back</p> +<p>Perchance had been a "frightful thrill"—</p> +<p>If you were <span class="smcap">Jill</span>, and I were <span class="smcap">Jack</span>!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If I were <span class="smcap">Jack</span> (that's—So-and-So),</p> +<p>Of smiles your face would know no lack;</p> +<p>That you were stretched on boredom's rack</p> +<p>You would not do your best to show,</p> +<p class="i2"> If I were <span class="smcap">Jack</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If you were <span class="smcap">Jill</span> (that's—Somebody),</p> +<p>I should not find "the work" up-hill;</p> +<p>No treading conversation's mill—</p> +<p>Floor, music, theatres—wearily,</p> +<p class="i2">If you were <span class="smcap">Jill</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If you were <span class="smcap">Jill</span>, and I were <span class="smcap">Jack</span>,</p> +<p>A kinder light your eyes would fill,</p> +<p>And I should not look glum and black</p> +<p>If I were—<span class="smcap">Jack</span>, and you were—<span class="smcap">Jill</span>!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span></p> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="indent">"A Delightful book," quoth +the Baron, "is <i>David Garrick</i>, +written by my worthy friend, +<span class="smcap">Joseph Knight</span>, F.S.A. Let me +recommend this work as one to be +placed by your reading chair, and +to be taken up, as was <i>Mrs. +Gamp's</i> bottle, when so dispoged, +and oftentimes will you thus enjoy +a Knight with <span class="smcap">Garrick</span>." One +of the most humorous among very +many anecdotes in this book is +that about <span class="smcap">Boswell</span> going to the +<span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> Fête costumed as a +Corsican, within his pocket a poem +he had written for the occasion, +and "which," says Mr. <span class="smcap">Knight</span> +simply, "he intended to speak, +but the crowd would not suspend +its diversions to hear him." That's +all: but isn't it delightful! Poor +<span class="smcap">Bozzy</span>!!</p> + +<p class="indent">The Baron is more than pleased +to see once again the deft hand of +Mr. <span class="smcap">T. H. S. Escott</span> at work in +reviews and magazines. His paper, +entitled "Edmund Yates, an Appreciation +and a Retrospect," is +most interesting to the Baron, who +can call to mind the persons he +mentions in literary and journalistic +connection with <span class="smcap">Edmund +Yates</span>—though the Baron does not +happen to remember them in this +particular connection, but as a +band of brothers quite apart, and +all of them younger by some years +than <span class="smcap">Edmund Yates</span>, who, at the +time <span class="smcap">Hood</span>, <span class="smcap">Prowse</span>, <span class="smcap">H. S. Leigh</span> +and others were commencing, had +made his name in literature, was +<span class="smcap">Charles Dickens's</span> henchman, +and had been also more or less successful, +in combination with a Mr. +<span class="smcap">Harrington</span>, as a dramatist. The +time I speak of is when <span class="smcap">H. J. +Byron</span> "flourished," and when +"all the world was young." <i>The +World</i> itself, of course, not having +been born or thought of. Looking +back to those days the Baron +thinks that Mr. <span class="smcap">Escott</span> does himself +an injustice, and that he is +younger than he thinks he is. Be +this as it may, he will in any case +have a stock of pleasant memories +to draw upon, and now, if his +health permit, all will look forward +to what he cannot look +forward to himself, <i>i.e.</i>, his reminiscences. +"<i>Prosit!</i> Mr. +<span class="smcap">Escott</span>! Your health, happiness, +and a long life to you, quoth the +gladsome</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Baron de Book-Worms</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> +<a href="images/022.png"><img width="100%" src="images/022.png" alt="" /></a> <h3>OUR FEMALE DECADENTS.</h3> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>Bulkeley Bigge</i> (<i>a charming fellow, but a bad dancer</i>). "<span class="smcap">I can't +think what all the Girls are coming to! They've got no +Back-bones! Five wanted to sit out a Dance with me to-night!</span>"]</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Henley Notes.</span>—Why did the +onlookers persist in making a +trouble of a pleasure-bout? Delightful +time, but racing not +much.</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>By Eton</p> +<p class="i2">Radley</p> +<p>Was beaten</p> +<p class="i2">Badly.</p> +<p>Lots of pluck</p> +<p>But no luck.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Guy</span> and <span class="smcap">Vivian Nickalls</span> +easily to the front in the Diamond +Challenge Sculls, sixth and seventh +heat. There was no doubt about +the heat during Henley week, as +"seventh heat" only feebly expresses +the temperature. The +betting on <span class="smcap">Guy</span>, in sovereigns, +resulted in a loss of <span class="smcap">Guinness</span>. +The inscription which goes with +the Diamond Sculls is done in +<span class="smcap">Nickalls</span>-silver.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p class="center">OUR SCHOOLBOY AGAIN.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Examiner.</i> What is said to have +been the food of the Homeric gods?</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Boy.</i> Nectarines and ammonia.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH TO TWO NOBLE SPORTSMEN.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>What, <i>Ladas</i> licked and the stout <i>Valkyrie</i> sunk!</p> +<p>How are the hopes of noble champions shrunk!</p> +<p class="i2"> Oh, most <i>un</i>frabjous day!</p> +<p>No more can <span class="smcap">Rosebery</span> boast the unbeaten "crack,"</p> +<p>No more that yacht will go "galumphing back"</p> +<p class="i2"> Prize-winner glad and gay!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Punch</i> sympathises with his friend <span class="smcap">Dunraven</span>,</p> +<p>Who nevermore may see return to haven</p> +<p class="i2"> That gallant, luckless yacht.</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Primrose</span>, dear boy, even the fleet <i>Ladas</i></p> +<p>May yield without disgrace to <i>Isinglass</i>,</p> +<p class="i2"> But <i>Bullingdon!</i>—that's hot!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Perchance the Nonconformist Conscience now</p> +<p>May be conciliated! Anyhow</p> +<p class="i2"> The horse may "come again,"</p> +<p>But that proud yacht lies twenty fathom deep!</p> +<p>May <span class="smcap">Neptune</span> carefully and kindly keep</p> +<p class="i2"> That hull beneath his main.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Sure there is nothing of her but should change</p> +<p>Sea-shapen into something rich and strange.</p> +<p class="i2"> Well, England will regret</p> +<p>With a good, sportsman by disaster struck,</p> +<p>And hope he'll live with a new yacht—and luck</p> +<p class="i2"> To lick the Yankee yet!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TALK IN COURT.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Consequent on the Peerage Invading the Ranks +of the Bar.</i>)</p> + +<p class="indent">May it please your Lordship, the Duke, +my learned and noble junior, will read the +pleadings.</p> + +<p class="indent">I will leave it to my noble and learned friend +the Marquis to examine the next witness.</p> + +<p class="indent">I can quite understand your Lordship's +annoyance, but I can assure you, my lord, +that the noble Earl from whom I receive my +instructions promised that the documents +should be forthcoming.</p> + +<p class="indent">I suppose we may leave the question of +costs to be settled by our juniors the illustrious +Prince and the hereditary Earl Gardener?</p> + +<p class="indent">Really, Duke, I must ask you not to interrupt +me while I am conducting this cross-examination.</p> + +<p class="indent">I regret, my Lord, that my young and +promising junior, who has but recently been +called to the Bar, should have made the +concession, but it is only right to tell your +Lordship that the nobleman in question—the +Duke of <span class="smcap">Herne Bay</span>—misunderstood his +instructions.</p> + +<p class="indent">I am sorry, my Lord, that absence in +another part of the building prevented me +from addressing your Lordship. I trust, +however, that the inexperience of my noble +and learned friend, the Viscount <span class="smcap">Tottenham +Court Road</span>, will not be allowed to +prejudice my client's interests.</p> + +<p class="indent">As your Lordship pleases!</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A SONG OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Mamma is a judge of divorces,</p> +<p class="i2">Sister <span class="smcap">Anne</span> is a learned Q.C.,</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Eliza</span> is great upon horses,</p> +<p class="i2">And <span class="smcap">Dora</span> a thriving M.D.</p> +<p>Aunt <span class="smcap">Jane</span> is a popular preacher,</p> +<p class="i2">Aunt <span class="smcap">Susan</span> a dealer in stocks,</p> +<p>While Father, the gentlest old creature,</p> +<p class="i2">Attends to the family socks.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Aunt <span class="smcap">Polly's</span> a marvel of knowledge,</p> +<p class="i2">With any amount of degrees,</p> +<p>She's Master or head of some college—</p> +<p class="i2">I forget whether Corpus or Caius—</p> +<p>Aunt <span class="smcap">Nell</span> is the eminent counsel</p> +<p class="i2">Who pleads at the criminal bar,</p> +<p>And I feed the canary with groundsel</p> +<p class="i2">For I'm learning to be a Papa.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I'm to marry a girl in the City,</p> +<p class="i2">She allows me a hundred a year</p> +<p>To dress on, and make myself pretty,</p> +<p class="i2">And keep me in baccy and beer.</p> +<p>The duties?—Oh, as for the duties,</p> +<p class="i2">You can possibly guess what they are;</p> +<p>And I warrant the boys will be beauties</p> +<p class="i2">That are destined to call me Papa.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">Barry, come up!</span>" (<i>Quotation from +Shakspeare by a "geltlebal with a cold id 'is +'ead."</i>)—Mr. <span class="smcap">J. Wolfe Barry</span> was made "a +Companion of the Bath," as a recognition of +his having done his best for the Thames.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> +<a href="images/023.png"><img width="100%" src="images/023.png" alt="ESSENCE OF +PARLIAMENT. +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY. M.P." title="ESSENCE OF +PARLIAMENT. +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY. M.P."/></a> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 2.</i>—"I am sorry," said Cap'en +<span class="smcap">Tommy Bowles</span>, "that there is no <span class="smcap">Chatham</span>, <span class="smcap">Burke</span>, or <span class="smcap">Fox</span> alive +at this moment to resist this project of taxing the Colonies."</p> + +<p class="indent">In their unavoidable absence the <span class="smcap">Cap'en</span>, contrary to his custom, +offered a few remarks. It had been just as well if he had omitted +the preliminary one. He really did not mean anything, much less +did he desire deliberately to offend his friends <span class="smcap">Bartley</span>, <span class="smcap">Butcher</span>, +and <span class="smcap">Byrne</span>. But, as the poet remarks, Evil is wrought by want of +thought, and the invidiousness of <span class="smcap">Tommy's</span> remark lost nothing of +sting because he had not intended to hurt anyone's feelings—except, +of course, those of <span class="smcap">Squire of Malwood</span>, and that is a legitimate +occupation. When an enthusiastic female admirer observed to the +eminent <span class="smcap">Whistler</span> that he and <span class="smcap">Velasquez</span> were the two greatest +artists of times ancient or modern, <span class="smcap">Jemmy</span> modestly observed, "Why +drag in <span class="smcap">Velasquez</span>?" Thus <span class="smcap">Bartley</span>, <span class="smcap">Butcher</span>, and <span class="smcap">Byrne</span> turned +upon <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> with reproachful glance and murmured, "Why drag +in <span class="smcap">Chatham</span>, <span class="smcap">Burke</span>, and <span class="smcap">Fox</span>?"</p> + +<p class="indent">However, all over now. The midnight bells chiming over sultry +London proclaim passing of Budget Bill through Committee. Been +a long hard fight, monotonous in its continuity, occasionally exciting +in its divisions, continuously illustrative of Englishman's faculty of +never knowing when he's beaten. Honours rest with <span class="smcap">Squire of +Malwood</span>, who throughout has unflinchingly and, in the main, good +humouredly, borne the brunt of battle. The flesh is weak, +especially when there is a good deal of it, and the thermometer +stands at 82° in the shade. The <span class="smcap">Squire</span> has snapped occasionally, +<span class="smcap">Jokim's</span> apologetic figure, upright at opposite side of table, proving +unfailing, irresistible, incentive. Even worse to bear have been the +desertion of a few followers and the importunity of many. Had the +<span class="smcap">Squire</span> been a weaker man, he would long ago have brought the +Closure to bear on obstruction, and there would have followed a +state of irritation, amid which, if Budget was not wrecked, it would +have appropriated the whole time of an extended Session. The +<span class="smcap">Squire</span>, going on another tack, has worn out obstruction by affecting +the virtue of urbanity if he had it not.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was particularly hard lines, after getting Clause XXVII. through +last Wednesday with a majority of over half a hundred, to be compelled +to recommit Bill, in order that <span class="smcap">Clancy</span> might chortle, and +<span class="smcap">Redmond</span> rage. <span class="smcap">Squire</span> advised to resist; condemned from his own +side when he yielded. But what happened? At quarter past ten +to-night Bill recommitted in respect of this clause, and on stroke of +midnight the whole thing was done with.</p> + +<p class="indent">"We Liberals," said the Member for <span class="smcap">Sark</span>, "always know better +than our leaders. As there are many of us, and as we each take our +individual view, result somewhat chaotic. Good thing if in comparative +leisure of week end we think over how the Budget Bill was +passed, and what would have happened if we had worried the <span class="smcap">Squire</span> +into going one of our diverse ways."</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—Budget Bill.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Tuesday.</i>—Enter the apothecary. It was Cap'en <span class="smcap">Tommy Bowles</span> +who brought him on. The last person in any one's mind. House in +Committee on Army Estimates; <span class="smcap">Hanbury</span> to the fore. Bound to +live up to the 534 speeches he made and questions he put last year. +<span class="smcap">Tommy</span> then beat him by fourteen, and promises to be equally ahead +in the current Session. The <span class="smcap">Cap'en</span> hitherto had peculiar advantage, +seeing that for many weeks he has been, so to speak, cruising in +home waters. Having been brought up on legacy tax, teethed on +death duties, <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> surprised himself and the House with the +command he displayed over intricacies of Budget Bill. <span class="smcap">Hanbury</span> +then fell behind. Now, with House in Committee on Army Estimates, +he can show <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> a clean pair of heels, a spectacle in which that +eminent and able Marine may or may not take keen personal +interest.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Hanbury</span> began at once raising point of order; <span class="smcap">Mellor</span> ruled him +out like a shot; so went off on another tack. Adventured the +startlingly novel proposition that "promotion should be by merit." +Enlarged on the theme for twenty minutes; sat down only when he +concluded that audience had fully mastered the proposition, contemplation +of which was new to their bewildered mind.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was at this stage <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> towed in the apothecary. He appeared +on the scene quite as abruptly as <i>Romeo's</i> acquaintance in the streets +of Mantua:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I do remember an apothecary,</p> +<p>And hereabout he dwells.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Cap'en</span> omitted details; but House gathered that his friend the +apothecary was, like <i>Romeo's</i>, meagre of looks, worn to the bones by +sharp misery. This condition engendered by circumstance that he +had been brooding in his needy shop, among the green earthen pots, +bladders, and musty seeds, remnants of packthread and old cakes of +roses, upon fact that whilst there are surgeon-majors in the Army, +there are no apothecary-majors. On behalf of his absent friend, +<span class="smcap">Tommy</span> demanded an explanation from <span class="smcap">Secretary of State for +War</span>.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Cawmell-Bannerman</span> with the ruthless disregard of Shaksperian +traditions that seems to suit the War Office, said "apothecaries are +an expiring class," a way of putting it that suggested they had been +dosing themselves. Their place was now filled by non-commissioned +officers, who were called compounders of medicine.</p> + +<p class="indent">What a fall is here. Fancy <i>Romeo</i> going about the moonlit +streets of Mantua calling out, "What ho! Compounder of Medicine." +This callous remark had such effect on Cap'en <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> that he laid +aside his speaking-trumpet, and was heard, no more through the live-long +night. <i>Business done.</i>—Some Votes in Army Estimates.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Thursday</i>.—Looked in after dinner just now; startled to find +<span class="smcap">Hanbury</span> on his legs, with bit of dirty white rag held out in +both hands towards Treasury Bench. Not many Members present; +those on Liberal side vociferously cheering. <span class="smcap">Cawmell-Bannerman</span> +looking in better temper even than usual; which was strange since +Committee on Army Estimates been at it since four o'clock, and only +one vote passed. <span class="smcap">Woodall</span>, only other occupant of Treasury Bench, +been shewing how a man may smile and smile, and be a Financial +Secretary to the War Office. Now the smile broadens till it stretches +almost full length of Treasury Bench. As <span class="smcap">Sark</span> says, it justifies +<span class="smcap">Rudyard Kipling's</span> bold imagery of <span class="smcap">Bobs</span> sitting on a bucking +charger,</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>With a smile round both yer ears,</p> +<p class="i2">Ain't ye Bobs?</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Causton</span> just bustled in, holding telegram at arm's length. It is +the reading of this that has broken the monotony of Committee with +noise of cheering, and dashed a smile along the Ministerial benches +like a sudden flash of sunlight. Only for this merry mood, one +entering the House at this particular moment might fear the worst. +<span class="smcap">Hanbury</span> been at it hour after hour since Tuesday, when House got +into Committee on Navy Estimates. <span class="smcap">Cawmell-Bannerman</span>, a +person of imperturbable temper. But there are limits to human +endurance; now they seem to have been reached. This telegram +<span class="smcap">Causton</span> has brought in and handed to War Minister doubtless +announces that all is ready; a file of soldiers waits on the Terrace; +<span class="smcap">Hanbury</span> will be seized, bound, carried forth, blindfolded, shot; +and then the Committee will really get to business, and vote Supply.</p> + +<p class="indent">A sad fate for one only moderately middle-aged. <i>Tu l'as voulu</i> +<span class="smcap">Robert William</span>. Still, cannot withhold the tear of pity as the +hapless man stands clutching at the extended white flag which +announces his capitulation, his entreaty for pardon, his promise of +better conduct in future.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page24" id="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span> +Ask <span class="smcap">Sark</span> if he won't say something for +the doomed man. <span class="smcap">Sark</span>, in language not to +be here repeated, explains that things are +not what they seem. Fact is, <span class="smcap">Hanbury</span> has +somewhere obtained (in what manner, <span class="smcap">Sark</span> +hints, may be matter for police inquiry) a +portion of sheeting, the property of <span class="smcap">Her +Majesty</span>, supplied to soldiers. This he has +brought down, intending to confound <span class="smcap">Cawmell-Bannerman</span>. +Happened to bring it +out just at the moment when news arrived +of a great Liberal victory snatched at the +polls at Attercliffe. That's all.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—Two votes in Army +Estimates.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>House of Lords, Friday.</i>—Peers not +habitually given to tears. To-night the +<span class="smcap">Markiss</span> plunged them (especially Ministers) +into condition of abject woe. Only said +that England was the head-quarters of the +Anarchist operations, the laboratory in +which all their contrivances were hatched. +<span class="smcap">Rosebery</span> jumped at opportunity with intuition +of Old Parliamentary Hand. Enlarged +upon it with skill of born debater. +<span class="smcap">Markiss</span> saw his mistake. Hadn't meant +anything; only his way of putting a case. +But here was <span class="smcap">Rosebery</span> pitilessly making +it clear how the Leader of the Patriot +Party had given his country away to the +Paris gossips; how he had assumed a state +of things which, set forth on authority of +ex-Prime Minister and ex-Secretary of State +for Foreign Affairs, would be made much +of by the enemy abroad.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Markiss</span> for once so singed by his own +blazing indiscretion that he did not wait for +<span class="smcap">Schomberg Macdonnell's</span> convenient correspondent, +but forthwith endeavoured to +explain away his remarks. This led only +to tears coursing more rapidly down <span class="smcap">Rosebery's</span> +pained face, whilst <span class="smcap">Spencer</span> forlornly +shook his beard as if it were the flag of +England drooping under the shamed skies, +and <span class="smcap">Kimberley</span> dolefully dropped his head. +A pretty scene, admirably staged and acted.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—The <span class="smcap">Markiss</span> puts his +foot in it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Two Sarahs.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O Woman, you romp in with ease!</p> +<p>If you're not proud you're hard to please:</p> +<p>Men talk to-day on every hand</p> +<p>Of "the Grand <span class="smcap">Sara</span>" and "<span class="smcap">Sarah Grand</span>."</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<a href="images/024.png"><img width="100%" src="images/024.png" alt="" /></a> +<p class="indent"><i>Irish Jarvey.</i> "<span class="smcap">Let me dhrive yer Honour to Duneen Head.</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>English Tourist.</i> "<span class="smcap">I have seen that, Pat. I went there Two Years +ago.</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Irish Jarvey.</i> "<span class="smcap">Ah, yer Honour, shure they've added to the Scenery +since that toime!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Startling for Her.</span>—Mrs. R.'s niece read out the heading of a +paragraph in the <i>Daily Graphic</i> last Thursday, which sounded to +her attentive aunt like "The New Baby." Mrs. R. was all attention, +expecting some gratifying intelligence from White Lodge. Imagine +her astonishment when her niece continued, "An addition to the +collection of the Zoological Society of London was made last week——" +"What!!!" exclaimed Mrs. R., and her niece continued.) "When +a gnu was born at the menagerie in Regent's Park." The excellent +lady was dumb with amazement. Then her niece showed her the +heading which was "A Gnu Baby," with the illustration of the gnu +baby and the old mother.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Phosphorescence in Art.</span>—Said Professor <span class="smcap">Dewar</span>, in a recent lecture, +"A perfectly clean plate of metal does not phosphoresce, but +the merest trace of grease—such as is left by the touch of the hand—will +make it brightly luminous." Take, adds <i>Mr. Punch</i>, by way +of example, a perfectly clean plate of metal, apply to it the hand of +a skilled etcher, say of Professor <span class="smcap">Hubert Herkomer</span>, R. A., and the +result will be brightly luminous, and what is more, it will last, and +its bright luminosity will increase with age.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Vive Rosebery!</span>—The owner of <i>Ladas</i> celebrated the Derby +triumph with an entertainment to the Epsom Poor of the Union +Workhouse, all Unionists, of course, which makes the Premier's +Ladasian horse-pitality still more noble. "This week His Lordship +entertains the Epsom tradesmen," so it is announced. One of the +entertainments will be of a novel naval character, and will consist of +a hornpipe by the celebrated Old Epsom Salts. Afterwards nautical +song, "<i>All in the Downs</i>."</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Really Sensible.</span>—The Lord Chief Justice of England, Lord +<span class="smcap">Russell</span> of Killowen, (and if there is anything in a name isn't this +"Justice to Ireland"?) will commence his judicial duties, after the +swearing is over, to-day, Wednesday. His Lordship has appointed +Mr. <span class="smcap">R. J. Block</span> to be his Chief Clerk. Excellent appointment! +Especially in this summer heat, as when oppressed by the weight of +his legal wig, the Lord Chief will simply take it off and put it on +the Block.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">She Knows!</span>—Mrs. R. is much pained on hearing that in some +parts of the Potteries the favourite song is the well-known one +containing the lines:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The beating of his own wife</p> +<p>Was all the sound he heard.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent">As she shrewdly remarks, this indicates the manner in which the +cottar in this district is accustomed to spend his Saturday night.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Our Toby and his Anxious Friends.</span>—<i>Mr. Punch</i> has received +several letters reminding him that the Duke of <span class="smcap">Rutland</span> is a Cantab, +not an Oxonian as stated in our <span class="smcap">Toby's</span> "Essence" for June 30. <span class="smcap">Toby</span> +is delighted to hear it. He will remember in future that "<i>Mr. +Crummles</i> is not a Prussian," &c., &c.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">London Playgrounds.</span>"—Drury Lane, Lyceum, Haymarket, +Toole's, &c., &c. The respective managers say they prefer to see +these crammed, and object to all "open spaces."</p> + +<hr class="full"/> + +<div class="tnote"> + +<h2>Transcriber Notes:</h2> + +<p class="indent">Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.</p> + +<p class="indent">The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate.</p> + +<p class="indent">Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted.</p> + +<p class="indent">On page 14, the open single quotation mark was replaced with a double +quotation mark.</p> + +<p class="indent">On page 18, the open single quotation mark was replaced with a double +quotation mark.</p> + +<p class="indent">On page 22, the open single quotation mark was replaced with a double +quotation mark.</p> + +<p class="indent">On page 24, there is a missing open rounded bracket, but the location where that bracket should be placed is unclear.</p> +</div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +107, July 14th 1894, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39583-h.htm or 39583-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/5/8/39583/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at + www.gutenberg.org/license. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 +North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email +contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the +Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> + |