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diff --git a/39583-8.txt b/39583-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..81e3593 --- /dev/null +++ b/39583-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1850 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, +July 14th 1894, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, July 14th 1894 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 30, 2012 [EBook #39583] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 107. +JULY 14, 1894. + + + + + THE DIURNAL FEMININE. + + Let others read the "latest news" + Our daily papers offer, + Take pleasure in the smart reviews + And chuckle with the scoffer, + Enjoy the leaders, or appraise + The newest "Labour Crisis," + Or smile to learn, that Brighton A's + Maintain their recent prices. + + I only find such trifles vex, + I do not seek instruction + Upon the blemishes which X. + Perceives in Y.'s production, + And stocks may fall like anything, + They'll not affect my fate, or + Compel less cheerfully to sing + This _vacuus viator_. + + The reason why I daily make + My sacrifice of pennies, + Is merely for a column's sake + Which scarce, perhaps, for men is, + And yet it elevates, refines, + It stirs the noblest passions, + That article whose moving lines + Are headed "Latest Fashions." + + What joy to ascertain in print + The latest mode in dresses, + To learn the new artistic tint + Adopted by Princesses, + To roam the galleries with her + Whose eulogies and strictures + To hats and dress alone refer, + And never deal with pictures! + + Let troubles still oppress the State + With all their usual rigour, + Let politicians still debate + With undiminished vigour, + Of such the common person reads, + But give to _me_ the papers + That chronicle at length the deeds + Of milliners and drapers! + + * * * * * + + STATE AID FOR MATRIMONY. + + (_By a University Extensionist._) + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--What a charming little theatre that is at Burlington +House! I missed you at the _matinées_ there a few days ago. Of course +you know the Travelling Provincial Company of the Universities' Guild +for the Extension of High-Class Comedy? Well, they visited the +Metropolis for their coming-of-age, and gave the new extravaganza of +_Hodge, B. Sc._, or _The Vision of Peers and the Plowman_. This had +nothing to do with _Jupiter, LL. D._, though no fewer than three noble +Chancellors took a leading part at the different performance. After all +it was nothing but a dished-up version of the old play of _Gentleman +Geordie_, or _The Cultured Collier_; only the pitman business is a +little played out, and the victim of Agricultural Enlightment is just +now the vogue, thanks to the County Councils. + +But what interest, you will say, _can_ this weary work have for "the +young person" (is not that the phrase?). Why should ETHEL and I and the +other country cousins, who are up to have a good time, waste our +precious moments on University Extension, when they might have been +given to the galleries, or, better still, to the shops? Dear _Mr. +Punch_, you will not betray my confidence and print my real name, _will_ +you, if I tell you the reason? I do so in the hope that you will use +your great and good influence to support our claim for State aid in a +matter deeply interesting us girls in the provinces. + +I have always thought that the most important object of University +Extension has been overlooked. It certainly was the other day. I mean +this. In the present unparalleled depression of the matrimonial market, +what we want is a constant supply of nice, eligible young men from the +University "brought home to our very doors," as they say about culture +and the people. We cannot _all_ live in garrison towns, and what are two +or three curates among so many? Already, as I have seen in one of the +magazines for young ladies, the cleric cloth is being supplanted in +romantic fiction by the lay lecturer's velveteen. But we must have State +said, and, if necesary, create a fresh Government Department, for the +increase and support of this class of men. The profession would be very +popular; those who joined it would keep marrying and moving on (I hope I +express myself intelligently), and there would soon be enough to go +round. + +ETHEL'S papa, who is not very rich, and has a large family, told her +that people in Rome who married, and had three children, got a sort of +degree for it, and were let off taxes. It seems to me that the scheme +for State aid which I suggest is a much more modest one. + +A man that played the title-rôle in _Hodge, B. Sc_., gave vent to what I +considered a very stupid sentiment. "Give us," he said, "some really +useful and sensible instruction, not silly lectures about Love and +Marriage, just to make people laugh!" This only shows how dreadfully +void of finer feeling is your man of Agricultural Enlightenment. Why, we +once had a _delightful_ course on almost the very subjects at which he +was ignorantly pleased to scoff! It was given by an interesting-looking +young graduate from St. Valentine's, and was called "Byron and Shelley, +with dissolving views." I remember well the questions set by him for one +of the weekly papers. Shall I repeat them? He had just been lecturing on +_Don Juan_. + +1. Give in alphabetical order the chief attractions of the Hero of our +poem. + +2. Cite parallels to _Don Juan_ among the gentleman friends of your +acquaintance _other than Extension Lecturers_. + +3. Contrast the character (if any) of _Haidee_ with that of (_a_) _The +Maid of Athens_, (_b_) _Queen Mab_. + +I took a lot of pains over this paper, and I sent the lecturer an +anonymous button-hole, with a request (in the same handwriting as +on the answer-paper) that he would wear my floral tribute at +lecture. He did so, and expressed himself as greatly pleased with +my work. On my exercise (which I have kept) he wrote the following +observation:--"Excellent; most appreciative and womanly; I thank you; +should like to discuss a small question with you after class." + +Now we want more of this spirit among Extension Lecturers. True, the one +of whom I spoke turned out afterwards to have been married all the time, +and I _do_ think he should have mentioned it on the cover of his +syllabus; but the principle holds good just the same. + +So, dear _Mr. Punch_, on this question of State aid, at which I have (as +I hope with delicacy) hinted above, you _will_ help us, won't you? + Your devoted, MADGE. + +P.S.--Couldn't _you_ lecture to us on something nice, and help to raise +a fund for our scheme? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S ILLUSTRATED LAW REPORTS. + +No. 1.--"ALLEGED CONTEMPT OF COURT BY AN INFANT."] + + * * * * * + + YET ANOTHER MEMOIR OF NAPOLEON. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--There are so many lives of the great NAPOLEON being +published nowadays that one might fancy the former ruler of France must +have been as many-careered as a cat. Still, it may be interesting to +your readers if I give a few particulars of the great man that have not +yet appeared in print, if I except the pages of your own immortal +volumes. + +I had the pleasure of meeting the great NAPOLEON some forty or fifty +years ago; he was then in his prime. + +In personal appearance he was not unlike the portraits so familiar to +the public. In spite of his enthusiastic devotion for France, he +invariably addressed his troops in the English language. This is a +characteristic that seemingly has escaped the attention of all his +biographers. + +The numbers and quality of his army have been much exaggerated. Although +in his speeches he was accustomed to boast of the strength of his +troops, as a matter of fact they could be more easily counted by tens +than hundreds. His artillery was almost a myth, and the ammunition was +chiefly composed of crackers. As for his cavalry, the horses were showy +but unreliable, many of them had white spots, and not a few were +extremely intelligent. His favourite charger had been known on occasion +(when engaged in circus duty) to drink a glass of sherry with the clown. + +But there is one point I particularly wish to set right. Although known +by the public as NAPOLEON BUONAPARTE, my hero in private life was +invariably called by his intimates "poor old GOMERSAL." + Yours respectfully, + _The Amphitheatre_ BOSWELL REDIVIVUS. + _Within Site of Astley's._ + +P.S.--I saw the latest actor's edition of NAPOLEON the other night at +the Gaiety. He wasn't "in it" with "GOMERSAL,"--but then GOMERSAL was +occasionally on horseback; still, there was the uniform and the +snuff-box. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. + +_Lord Chief Justice_ . . . LORD RUSSELL OF KILLOWEN. +_King Henry the Fifth_ . . MR PUNCH. + +"YOU ARE RIGHT, JUSTICE, AND YOU WEIGH THIS WELL; THEREFORE STILL BEAR +THE BALANCE, AND THE SWORD: AND I DO WISH YOUR HONOURS MAY INCREASE!" + + _Second Part of King Henry the Fourth_, Act., V Sc. 2.] + + * * * * * + + FANCY PORTRAIT. + +(_A Shakspearian "Living Picture" up to date._) + +_Lord Chief Justice_. . . LORD RUSSELL OF KILLOWEN. + +_King Henry the Fifth_. . MR. PUNCH. + + _King._ You are right, Justice, and you weigh this well; + Therefore still bear the balance, and the sword: + And I do wish your honours may increase! + + * * * + + For which I do commit into your hand + The unstained sword COLERIDGE was used to bear; + With this remembrance,--That you use the same + With the like bold, just, and impartial spirit + As you have shown before. There is my hand! + + _Second Part of King Henry the Fourth,_ + _Act V. Sc. 2 (slightly altered)._ + + As HARRY unto GASCOIGNE gave, + So _Punch_ to RUSSELL gladly gives + That Sword which frights but rogue and slave, + By which our ordered freedom lives; + And gives therewith his hand in token + Of pleasure more than may be spoken. + + Nought have you "done that misbecame + Your place, your person," or your power. + 'Tis a right crown of crescent fame, + Of fitness full befitting dower, + That you, my Lord, "have foremost hand" + In dealing justice round the land. + + If set in quaint Shakspearian guise, + Not less the motley-wearing Sage + Gaily presents to serious eyes + A Living Picture for the Age. + So "take it--earnest wed with sport,"[1] + From one who, stooping not to court, + Loves e'en to praise in merry sort! + + [1] TENNYSON'S _The Day Dream_. + + * * * * * + + THE HARDY ANNUAL AT HENLEY + + OR, LUNCH AMONG THE ROWERS. + + AIR--"_Love among the Ruins_." + + When the early cat erotically smiles + On the tiles, + I arise and rather accurately fling + Any thing + That is handy and adapted to my sense + Of offence; + Then I reconstruct my well-avengèd head + On the bed; + But the hope of sleep deferred is deadly dull, + So I cull + Memoranda from the great and golden time + Of my prime. + + Twenty years ago at Henley-on-the-Thames, + While the gems + Of the season simply sparkled into cheers, + (Little dears!) + I endeavoured to secure the Ladies' Plate; + Though of late + I have been the painful object of remark + In a barque; + But the circuit of my waist was not as yet + Fifty, nett; + And I fancy I was feeling pretty fit; + That was it. + + _Then_ I fed on oaten fare and milky slops, + Steaks and chops; + Never, never looked a lobster in the face, + And the race + Saw me down to just eleven at the scales, + Hard as nails; + _Now_ I very much prefer to view the hunt + From a punt, + Or a houseboat, or an ark, or any sort + Of support, + While I minimise the necessary strain + With champagne. + + At the yearly celebration it's the rule, + Hot or cool, + For a girl with yellow eyes and eager hair + To be there, + By a mass of mayonnaise and pigeon-pie; + So am I! + Oh the glory of the battle past recall! + After all, + What with hearts that freely wobble, stitch that stabs, + And the crabs, + And the quicken up to forty round the chest-- + Lunch is best! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MODESTY. + +_Housewife._ "WELL, IF I GIVE YOU SOME BREAKFAST, YOU'LL HAVE TO EARN +IT BY CHOPPING SOME WOOD FOR ME." + +_Tramp._ "I'D LIKE TER 'BLIGE YER, LADY. BUT, BLESHYER 'ART, 'TAIN'T +FER THE LIKES O' ME TER FOLLER IN THE FOOTSTEPS O' MR. GLADSTONE!"] + + * * * * * + +SPECIALLY-ARRANGED MOTTO FOR THE VICTORIA STEAMBOAT ASSOCIATION'S NEW +VESSEL "THE PALM."--"_Palma, quæ meruit, ferat_,"--(_i.e._, Let _The +Palm_ carry as many as she was constructed to carry, and not more). + + * * * * * + + Old Loves for New. + + (_New Version of an Old Song._) + + _If_ 'tis good to be merry and wise, + _If_ 'tis good to be honest and true, + Then 'tis good to keep on with the old "Woman," + And carefully keep off the New: + For of honesty, truthfulness, wisdom, _and_ mirth, + The "New Woman" shows a most plentiful dearth. + + * * * * * + +The German Derby (61,000 marks) was won at Hamburg by Baron MÜNCHAUSEN'S +_Spider_. The Baron has done many wonderful things in his lifetime +(_vide_ the history of his adventures), and it was a foregone conclusion +that if he ran a horse at the Derby he was bound not only to win, but to +make something more than his mark. + + * * * * * + + LYRE AND LANCET. + + (_A Story in Scenes._) + + PART II.--SELECT PASSAGES FROM A COMING POET. + + +SCENE II.--_The Morning Room at Wyvern._ Lady RHODA COKAYNE, Mrs. + BROOKE-CHATTERIS, _and_ Miss VIVIEN SPELWANE _are comfortably + established near the fireplace. The_ Hon. BERTIE PILLINER, Captain + THICKNESSE, _and_ ARCHIE BEARPARK _have just drifted in._ + +_Miss Spelwane._ Why, you _don't_ mean to say you've torn yourselves +away from your beloved billiards already? _Quite_ wonderful! + +_Bertie Pilliner._ It's too _horrid_ of you to leave us to play all by +ourselves! We've all got so cross and fractious we've come in here to be +petted! + + [_He arranges himself at her feet, so as to exhibit a very neat + pair of silk socks and pumps._ + +_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). Do hate to see a fellow come down +in the mornin' with evenin' shoes on! + +_Archie Bearpark_ (_to_ BERTIE PILLINER). You speak for yourself, +PILLINER. _I_ didn't come to be petted. Came to see if Lady RHODA +wouldn't come and toboggan down the big staircase on a tea-tray. _Do!_ +It's clinkin' sport! + +_Capt. Thick._ (_to himself_). If there's one thing I _can't_ stand it's +a rowdy bullyraggin' ass like ARCHIE! + +_Lady Rhoda._ Ta muchly, dear boy, but you don't catch me travellin' +downstairs on a tea-tray _twice_--it's just a bit _too_ clinkin', don't +you know! + +_Archie_ (_disappointed_). Why, there 's a mat at the bottom of the +stairs! Well, if you won't, let's get up a cushion fight, then. BERTIE +and I will choose sides. PILLINER, I'll toss you for first pick up--come +out of that, do. + +_Bertie_ (_lazily_). Thanks, I'm much too comfy where I am. And I don't +see any point in romping and rumpling one's hair just before lunch. + +_Archie._ Well, you _are_ slack. And there's a good hour still before +lunch. THICKNESSE, _you_ suggest something, there's a dear old chap. + +_Capt. Thick._ (_after a mental effort_). Suppose we all go and have +another look round at the gees--eh, what? + +_Bertie._ I beg to oppose. Do let's show _some_ respect for the privacy +of the British hunter. Why should I go and smack them on their fat +backs, and feel every one of their horrid legs twice in one morning? I +shouldn't like a horse coming into my bedroom at all hours to smack _me_ +on the back. I should _hate_ it! + +_Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris._ I love them--dear things! But still, it's so +wet, and it would mean going up and changing our shoes too--perhaps Lady +RHODA---- + + [Lady RHODA _flatly declines to stir before lunch_. + +_Capt. Thick._ (_resentfully_). Only thought it was better than loafin' +about, that's all. (_To himself._) I do bar a woman who's afraid of a +little mud. (_He saunters up to_ Miss SPELWANE _and absently pulls the +ear of a Japanese spaniel on her knee._) Poo' little fellow, then! + +_Miss Spelw._ Poor little fellow? On My lap!!! + +_Capt. Thick._ Oh, it--ah--didn't occur to me that he was on _your_ lap. +He don't seem to mind _that_. + +_Miss Spelw._ No? _How_ forbearing of him! Would you mind not standing +quite so much in my light, I can't see my work. + +_Capt. Thick._ (_to himself, retreating_). That girl's always fishin' +for compliments. I didn't rise _that_ time, though. It's precious slow +here. I've a good mind to say I must get back to Aldershot this +afternoon. + + [_He wanders aimlessly about the room;_ ARCHIE BEARPARK + _looks out of window with undisguised boredom._ + +_Lady Rhoda._ I say, if none of you are goin' to be more amusin' than +this, you may as well go back to your billiards again. + +_Bertie._ Dear Lady RHODA, how cruel of you! You'll have to let _me_ +stay. I'll be _so_ good. Look here, I'll read aloud to you. I +_can_--quite prettily. What shall it be? you don't care? no more do I. +I'll take the first that comes. (_He reaches for the nearest volume on a +table close by._) How _too_ delightful! Poetry--which I know you _all_ +adore. + + [_He turns over the leaves._ + +_Lady Rhoda._ If you ask _me_, I simply loathe it. + +_Bertie._ Ah, but then you never heard _me_ read it, you know. Now, here +is a choice little bit, stuck right up in a corner, as if it had been +misbehaving itself. "Disenchantment" it's called. + + [_He reads._ + + "My Love has sicklied unto Loath, + And foul seems all that fair I fancied-- + The lily's sheen a leprous growth, + The very buttercups are rancid!" + +_Archie._ Jove! The Johnny who wrote that must have been feelin' chippy! + +_Bertie. _He gets cheaper than that in the next poem. This is his idea +of "Abasement." + + [_He reads._ + + "With matted head a-dabble in the dust, + And eyes tear-sealèd in a saline crust, + I lie all loathly in my rags and rust-- + Yet learn that strange delight may lurk in self-disgust." + +Now, do you know, I rather like that--it's so very decadent! + +_Lady Rhoda._ I should call it utter rot, myself. + +_Bertie_ (_blandly_). Forgive me, Lady RHODA. "Utterly rotten," if you +like, but _not_ "utter rot." There's a difference, really. Now, I'll +read you a quaint little production which has dropped down to the bottom +of the page, in low spirits, I suppose. "Stanza written in Depression +near Dulwich." + + [_He reads._ + + "The lark soars up in the air; + The toad sits tight in his hole; + And I would I were certain which of the pair + Were the truer type of my soul!" + +_Archie._ I should be inclined to back the toad, myself. + +_Miss Spelw._ If you must read, do choose something a little less +dismal. Aren't there any love songs? + +_Bertie._ I'll look. Yes, any amount--here's one. (_He reads_). "To My +Lady." + + "Twine, lanken fingers lily-lithe, + Gleam, slanted eyes all beryl-green, + Pout, blood-red lips that burst awrithe, + Then--kiss me, Lady GRISOLINE!" + +_Miss Spelw._ (_interested_). So _that's_ his type. Does he mention +whether she _did_ kiss him? + +_Bertie._ Probably. Poets are always privileged to kiss and tell. I'll +see ... h'm, ha, yes; he _does_ mention it ... I think I'll read +something else. Here's a classical specimen. [_He reads._ + + "Uprears the monster now his slobberous head, + Its filamentous chaps her ankles brushing; + Her twice-five roseal toes are cramped in dread, + Each maidly instep mauven-pink is flushing." + +[Illustration: "I'll read you a regular rouser called 'A Trumpet +Blast.'"] + +And so on, don't you know.... Now I'll read you a regular rouser called +"A Trumpet Blast." Sit tight, everybody! [_He reads._ + + "Pale Patricians, sunk in self-indulgence, (One for _you_, dear + ARCHIE!) + Blink your blearèd eyes. (Blink, pretty creatures, blink!) + Behold the Sun-- + --Burst proclaim, in purpurate effulgence, + Demos dawning, and the Darkness--done!" + + [_General hilarity_, _amidst which_ Lady CULVERIN _enters._ + +_Lady Culverin._ So _glad_ you all contrive to keep your spirits up, in +spite of this dismal weather. What is it that's amusing you all so much, +eh, dear VIVIEN? + +_Miss Spelw._ BERTIE PILLINER has been reading aloud to us, dear Lady +CULVERIN--_the_ most ridiculous poetry--made us all simply shriek. +What's the name of it? (_Taking the volume out of_ BERTIE'S _hand._) Oh, +_Andromeda, and other poems_. By CLARION BLAIR. + +_Lady Culv._ (_coldly_). BERTIE PILLINER can turn everything into +ridicule, we all know, but probably you are not aware that these +particular poems are considered quite wonderful by all competent judges. +Indeed, my sister-in-law---- + +_All_ (_in consternation_). Lady CANTIRE! Is _she_ the author? Oh, of +course, if we'd had any idea! + +_Lady Culv._ I've no reason to believe that Lady CANTIRE ever composed +_any_ poetry. I was only going to say that she was most interested in +the author, and as she and my niece MAISIE are coming to us this +evening---- + +_Miss Spelw._ Dear Lady CULVERIN, the verses are quite, _quite_ +beautiful; it was only the way they were read. + +_Lady Culv._ I am glad to hear you say so, my dear, because I'm also +expecting the pleasure of seeing the author here, and you will probably +be his neighbour to-night. I hope, BERTIE, that you will remember that +this young man is a very distinguished genius; there is no wit that _I_ +can discover in making fun of what one doesn't happen to understand. + + [_She passes on._ + +_Bertie_ (_plaintively, after_ Lady CULVERIN _has left the room_). May I +trouble somebody to scrape me up? I'm pulverised! But really, you know, +a real live poet at Wyvern! I say, Miss SPELWANE, how will you like to +have him dabbling his matted head next to you at dinner, eh? + +_Miss Spelw._ Perhaps I shall find a matted head more entertaining than +a smooth one. And if you've quite done with that volume, I should like +to have a look at it. + + [_She retires with it to her room._ + +_Archie_ (_to himself_). I'm not half sorry this Poet-johnny's comin'; I +never caught a Bard in a booby-trap _yet_. + +_Capt. Thick._ (_to himself_). She's coming--this very evening! And I +was nearly sayin' I must get back to Aldershot! + +_Lady Rhoda._ So Lady CANTIRE's comin'; we shall all have to be on our +hind legs now! But MAISIE'S a dear thing. Do you know her, Captain +THICKNESSE! + +_Capt. Thick._ I--I used to meet Lady MAISIE MULL pretty often some time +ago; don't know if she'll remember it, though. + +_Lady Rhoda._ She'll love meetin' this writin' man--she's so fearfully +romantic. I heard her say once that she'd give anythin' to be idealised +by a great poet--sort of--what's their names--PETRARCH and LAURA +business, don't you know. It will be rather amusin' to see whether it +comes off--won't it? + +_Capt. Thick._ (_choking_). I--ah--no affair of mine, really. (_To +himself._) I'm not intellectual enough for her, I know that. Suppose I +shall have to stand by and look on at the Petrarchin'. Well, there's +always Aldershot! + + [_The luncheon gong sounds, to the general relief and + satisfaction._ + + * * * * * + + TO THE OXFORD CRICKET CAPTAIN. + + "_100, Not Out._" _Monday, July 2, 1894._ + + Congratulations, Mr. C. B. FRY, + You neatly wiped the Cantab Light Blue eye, + And well deserved the fashionable shout + Which hailed you for your century, not out. + For your exploits, what language is too tall? + At cricket good alike with bat and ball, + Full back at football (that's Association), + At jumping lengthways--well, you lick creation. + In Schools no idler when stern duty calls, + Already having got a First in "Smalls." + Yes, Oxford surely boasts to-day in you, + Her most distinguished son, a Triple Blue. + The Lord's good wicket made a scoring high day, + But you yourself turned Monday into Fry-day! + + * * * * * + +ANARCHIST ATTEMPT ON A WELL-KNOWN BRIDGE.--After several failures, the +Hampton Court Bridge was shot yesterday evening by a young man, supposed +to be an Anarchist, whose name and address remain a profound secret, as, +owing to his having taken his outrigger by the hour, and, having paid +his shot, there was no excuse for his detention by the assistants in +charge of the boats. He had been dining freely at a neighbouring +hostelrie, the sign of which being "The Mitre," suggested to the +intelligent detective in charge of the case the probability of the +wretched youth being a "dîne-à-mitre." Furnished with this clue, the +police are on his track. Fortunately the bridge escaped without injury, +and this morning it not only crossed the river itself without +difficulty, but assisted many travellers to do the same. + + * * * + +ASPIRATION.--A youthful rhymist, inspired by the Derby, wishes to become +a Sporting Poet. "'Poet' and 'Prophet,'" he learnedly observes, "meant +about the same thing in Homeric times; and, indeed, in most prophecies +of coming events on the turf I have generally found more of poetry than +of profit." The modest rhymster says, that as he can never hope to be +first in the field of poetry, "he may at least become _a second +Ossy-'un_." + + * * * * * + + OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration: L'Attaque du Moulin (à poivre)] + +It strikes me forcibly that the Wagnerian idea has influenced all recent +compositions. Nothing is now done without a "motive." It may be a good +motive, or a bad motive, or an inadequate motive, or an indifferent +motive; but motive there must be with our most modern school of +composers, who, adopting the Wagnerian idea, (not in itself a purely +original one,) and improving on it, attribute less importance to the +"Act" than to the "motive," though by a reflex action the scheme of the +Act suggests, organises, and it may be added, orchestrates the +"motives." _L'Attaque du Moulin_ is a practical example of this theory. +It is not styled an opera but a lyric drama in four acts. It is founded +by M. LOUIS GALLET on ZOLA'S story; it is reduced to plain English by +Mr. WEATHERLY; the music is by ALFRED BRUNEAU; and for the stage +management, which has so largely conduced to its success, Sir AUGUSTUS +DRURIOLANUS is responsible. It is not what the sporting papers term "a +merry mill," though there is plenty of fighting. There _are_ some songs +in it, and there are some melodies--or mill-odies--which may catch on +when heard a second or third time; but they certainly do not arrest the +attention at a first hearing. The music, I judge only from the one +representation, seems lacking in those catching-on airs which, coupled +with the admirable acting of the principals, made the fortune, _sur le +champ_, of the _Cavalleria Rusticana_. But a "wind-mill" without any +"air" can't be expected to "go." + +Madame DELNA is forcibly dramatic, true, but not powerful as a singer, +at least in Covent Garden. Nor is there in the character of this Maid of +the Mill any such great opportunity whereby to test the power of the +actress as there is in the part of _Santuzza_, or of _Anita_ in _La +Navarraise_. Madame DELNA may be all that enthusiastic reporters have +said she is, but she must have a great deal of power in reserve, for the +display of which this opera does not offer the chance. Mons. BOUVET as +_Merlier_, the Miller, who "created" the part in Paris, is good, but his +acting is somewhat monotonous. Madame DE NUOVINA as _Françoise_, is a +young _Lady Macbeth_, who gives the dagger and does not request that it +may be returned to her again when done with. M. BONNARD, as the _Singing +Sentinel_, reminding me of GILBERT and SULLIVAN'S _Sentinel_ "with a +song" in one of the Savoy Series, was very good; and Mons. COSSIRA, +excellent as the escaping prisoner, bore so strong a resemblance to the +Director of the Fortunes of Covent Garden and Drury Lane, that people +looked twice at their programmes in order to be quite sure that an +apology for the singer had not been made, and that the much-talented Sir +DRURIOLANUS had not, at the shortest possible notice, consented to be +his "_remplaçant_." Mons. ALBERS, as the _German Captain_, ought to be +in receipt of a very large salary, seeing "how wide he opens his mouth" +when singing. All were good in the best of all possible operatic +entertainments, including the unequalled orchestra conducted by M. PH. +FLON, (is this "Phlon-FLON"?) who has taken his turn with Signori +BEVIGNANI, MANCINELLI, and Mr. FREDERIC COWEN, the last-mentioned coming +to look after his new Opera of _Signa_, in which Madame DE NUOVINA was +charming, and Signor BENJAMINO DAVIESO appeared as the Anglo-Italian +Tenor. Congratulations to Signor FREDERICO COWENI. + +_Saturday night._ _Elaine._ "If it's not very lively," observes Sir +AUGUSTUS beforehand, "still it must be remembered that I have not only +at heart the interests--and in pocket the interest--of Covent Garden, +but also of '_Drear Elaine_.' Should it prove a joyous opera and attract +the people, then I shall consider it as an example of 'Drawer-Elaine' at +Covent Garden. But now--hark!--let us not trifle with time and tune. +MANCINELLI is raising his _bâton_, up goes the curtain, and all in to +begin. _Nous verrons._" And the "all" includes the Prince and Princess +of WALES and their two unmarried daughters, and a very good house +indeed. "And how is _Elaine_?" is the question. "Very well, thank you, +and much better than she was two years ago," is the reply. _Elaine_ is +decidedly thinner. One Act gone, and other judicious cuts have reduced +her. The opera is consequently lighter. Due weight, however, is given to +it by Madame MELBA and JEAN DE RESZKÉ. DRURIOLANUS has followed the +precedent of "cutting the 'osses." But the "cackle" of geese followeth +not. On the contrary, the applause is abundant. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MUSIC AT HOME. + +_Hostess._ "OH, THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVELY MUSIC, HERR BLUMENTOFF! IT'S +JUST WHAT I LIKE. IT BLENDS SO PERFECTLY WITH THE CONVERSATION WITHOUT +IN THE LEAST INTERRUPTING IT!"] + + * * * * * + + WAITING THEIR TURN. + + (_In the Hot Room, St. Stephen's Baths, + Westminster._) + + _Bath-Man, loquitur:_-- + + Pouf! 'Tis slow work! Were I a Turk, + Fancy I'd put it through more expeditiously! + Poor little Bills! Funkiness fills + All their small souls! See 'em glancing suspiciously, + Timid and torrid! Finding it horrid + Waiting their turns for shampooing and plunging + Parboiled and limp, each, as a shrimp; + No great result for my long scurryfunging!!! + + Faith, I _am_ tired! Been much admired + For my long patience with Big BILLY BUDGET. + _He_ got it hot! Worrying lot + Some of these fellows. But BILLY will trudge it + Pretty soon, now. _Splosh!!!_ What a row! + BILLY is bulky, and makes a big splashing. + Head-first he goes, kicks up his toes,-- + All that is left after boiling and washing. + + Thanks be _he's_ through! What'll I do + Next, and which of 'em in waiting seems readiest? + I'm so restricted! Little "EVICTED," + Small Irish bhoy, seems I fancy the steadiest. + "EQUALISATION?" _His_ perspiration + Something prodigious, and yet--well--the other!-- + Oh! English, Scotch, Welsh, they all look like squelch, + And the task of selection is truly a bother! + + Had I free choice,--Ah! but _my_ voice + Only counts one nowadays in selection. + BALFOUR & CO.--_they_ run the show; + Matter I think for most urgent reflection. + They arrogate questions of date, + They set the time, and the tempera_ture_ too. + If I insist, well, they'll resist, + Get their way, too, in the long run,--ah! sure to! + + Nice state o' things! Wish I had wings! + Much rather boss small Bath by the Bosphorus! + Sixes and sevens now at St. Stephen's! + Running it all the year round at a loss--for us! + Look at 'em there, each on his chair, + Wobbly, perspiring and weary o' waiting! + Might have been done, every one, + But for Balfourian procrastinating. + + Rum-looking lot! Don't they seem hot? + Little "EVICTED," young "EQUALISATION." + Quite in a stew. The _other_ two,-- + Well, 'tis complete discumboblification! + Must make my choice! Waiting my voice! + Gentlemen please--Mr.--ahem! Oh! thunder! + They _all_ pop up, prompt as a Krupp. + _Which had I better first call in I wonder?_ + + * * * * * + + THE NEW PARTY. + + [Mr. GRANT ALLEN and several other advanced politicians have + started a new party, the members of which are to be called + Isocrats, a title very similar to one coined by COLERIDGE for a + society which he desired to found on principles of general + equality.--_Daily Paper._] + + Many have heard of Pantisocracy, + A compound crude of COLERIDGE and cant, + The latest products of Democracy + Dub themselves Isocrats without the "pant." + 'Tis as it should be, is it not, + For what are they but _sans-culottes_? + + * * * * * + + AT LAST. + + At last the sky is actually blue. + Say not "dull, hazy, cloudy, overcast," + O weather prophets, "fine" alone is true + At last. + + At last, as June is finishing, the Row + Looks bright and gay. The difference is vast; + The sunlit grass, the rhododendrons glow + At last. + + At last my topper flies not in the gale, + I gazing on its ruin quite aghast, + Nor gets all spotted after rain or hail, + At last. + + At last it rests serenely on my brow, + As firm as colours nailed to any mast; + In fact it's somewhat hot and heavy now, + At last. + + At last you sport your thinnest frocks, fair maid, + Sweet CHLOE, PHYLLIS, PYRRHA, prim or fast. + Now AMARYLLIS dallies in the shade + At last. + + At last NEÆRA'S hair is undisturbed, + Not out of curl from damp, nor by the blast + In tangles blown. She smiles quite unperturbed + At last. + + At last. But soon the rain, the fog, the haze + May spoil light frocks that now sweep gaily past. + For _tempora mutantur_; such fine days + Can't last. + + * * * * * + +TRAVELLING MOTTO AT HOLIDAY TIME.--"Too many Cooks (tourists) spoil the +Continent." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WAITING THEIR TURN. + +(_In the Hot Room, St. Stephen's Baths, Westminster._) + +CHIEF ATTENDANT H-RC-RT (_to himself_). "WHICH SHALL I TAKE NEXT?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHEEL OR WOE. + +_Maud_ (_who has had the misfortune to bring her Cousin from Provincial +Town into the Row_). "BUT, GOOD GRACIOUS! I THOUGHT YOU WERE ACCUSTOMED +TO HORSES; IN FACT, YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD BEEN RIDING A GOOD DEAL LATELY." + +_He_ (_in intervals of bumping_). "B--B--BUT IT WAS A B--B--BICYCLE!"] + + * * * * * + + NOMINE TANTUM. + + This morn, as now for half a score of years, + I comfortably caught the nine-fifteen; + At noon we met by chance--as noontide nears + Such the weeks round our daily chance has been; + Yet shipwrecked brother, newly come to land, + Could not more fiercely seize me by the hand. + + You ask me how I am, nor let it pass, + But keep on asking till I tell you how; + 'Twere rude to bid you not to be an ass, + Churlish to turn a greeting to a row; + But, knowing that my general health is fair, + Why should you daily ask, why should you care? + + I sometimes wonder, while my knuckles ache + With unrequited pressure of your digits, + While whispered mysteries of nought you make, + And take no notice of my patent fidgets-- + I wonder how a real old friend you'd flatter, + And how reveal a really private matter. + + Think but a moment, (if you ever think,) + I never knead your knuckles with my thumb, + I never proffer an untimely drink, + About my own affairs I'm ever dumb, + Yet I believe, in your impulsive way, + You think we're bosom friends from childhood's day. + + Yes, though they brand our English ways as cold, + Meetings like ours make glad the whole huge city. + The magnate, weighty as though shod with gold, + The lawyer's clerk, precocious, slim and writty, + All have the same convulsive warmth of greeting + For casual people whom they're always meeting. + + Is it perchance self-preservation's law + That drives good will, drowning in Mammon's sea, + To clutch in frenzy at a man of straw, + And cheer a heart with the hand's amity, + That in the way of business would stab it-- + Or is it only an absurd bad habit? + + * * * * * + + A PUFF AND A BLOW. + +Should tropical weather continue, let dusted, wooden-pavemented, sore +throated, weary Londoner, take train Sunday Morning 11 A.M. Victoria, or +rather let train take _him_, right away to Dover, where he will at once +step on board the _Calais-Douvres_, and get one hour and a quarter's +worth of ozone into his system. Then at 2.15 he will land at Calais, +when, free of baggage, wraps, and all such-like _impedimenta_, he will +walk into the buffet of the hotel, and having made his choice from many +excellent things there set before him, he will proceed to walk into his +_déjeuner à la fourchette_, for which meal he will have ample time, +seeing that the _Calais-Douvres_ does not start on its return voyage +till 3.45. After _déjeuner_ comes the _fourchette_, or "fork out," +which, if the voyageur be wisely content with the _ordinaire_, will +amount to a very moderate sum. Then, exclaiming with the ancient pirate +of bye-gone nautical melodrama, "Once aboard the lugger and we are +free," he will saunter, leisurely, with cigar, pipe, or cigarette, +according to the taste and fancy of the smoker, down to the boat. There, +if he be wise and wary, he will at once re-embark, in order to secure a +comfortable arm-chair in a good position, long before any trains bearing +hot and dusty travellers from Belgium or Paris shall appear. There he +can sit, smoking calmly under a cool sunshade, placidly watching the +shooting of the luggage, which is unattended by any danger, each box +going off with a very slight noise, and he can calmly wonder at the +anxiety of the passengers. Then, farewell France, welcome back to the +shores of Old England, and the adventurous Briton will find himself +landed at Victoria Terminus by 7.15 or it may be 7.20, with another +ozonised appetite, ready for a dinner _chez lui_,--or _chez_ anybody +who'll give him one,--and afterwards, sufficiently tired, neither fagged +nor weary, he will be certain of a good sleep at an early hour, and sure +to wake in the morning all the better and fresher for his outing and his +inn-ing. + + [N. B.--Fine weather and gentle breeze taken for granted.] + + * * * * * + + LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES. + + IV.--BETWEEN THE DANCES. + + If I were--JACK, and you were--JILL, + Our waltz of some few minutes back + Perchance had been a "frightful thrill"-- + If you were JILL, and I were JACK! + + If I were JACK (that's--So-and-So), + Of smiles your face would know no lack; + That you were stretched on boredom's rack + You would not do your best to show, + If I were JACK. + + If you were JILL (that's--Somebody), + I should not find "the work" up-hill; + No treading conversation's mill-- + Floor, music, theatres--wearily, + If you were JILL. + + If you were JILL, and I were JACK, + A kinder light your eyes would fill, + And I should not look glum and black + If I were--JACK, and you were--JILL! + + * * * * * + + OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"A Delightful book," quoth the Baron, "is _David Garrick_, written by my +worthy friend, JOSEPH KNIGHT, F.S.A. Let me recommend this work as one +to be placed by your reading chair, and to be taken up, as was _Mrs. +Gamp's_ bottle, when so dispoged, and oftentimes will you thus enjoy a +Knight with GARRICK." One of the most humorous among very many anecdotes +in this book is that about BOSWELL going to the SHAKSPEARE Fête costumed +as a Corsican, within his pocket a poem he had written for the occasion, +and "which," says Mr. KNIGHT simply, "he intended to speak, but the +crowd would not suspend its diversions to hear him." That's all: but +isn't it delightful! Poor BOZZY!! + +The Baron is more than pleased to see once again the deft hand of Mr. T. +H. S. ESCOTT at work in reviews and magazines. His paper, entitled +"Edmund Yates, an Appreciation and a Retrospect," is most interesting to +the Baron, who can call to mind the persons he mentions in literary and +journalistic connection with EDMUND YATES--though the Baron does not +happen to remember them in this particular connection, but as a band of +brothers quite apart, and all of them younger by some years than EDMUND +YATES, who, at the time HOOD, PROWSE, H. S. LEIGH and others were +commencing, had made his name in literature, was CHARLES DICKENS'S +henchman, and had been also more or less successful, in combination with +a Mr. HARRINGTON, as a dramatist. The time I speak of is when H. J. +BYRON "flourished," and when "all the world was young." _The World_ +itself, of course, not having been born or thought of. Looking back to +those days the Baron thinks that Mr. ESCOTT does himself an injustice, +and that he is younger than he thinks he is. Be this as it may, he will +in any case have a stock of pleasant memories to draw upon, and now, if +his health permit, all will look forward to what he cannot look forward +to himself, _i.e._, his reminiscences. "_Prosit!_ Mr. ESCOTT! Your +health, happiness, and a long life to you, quoth the gladsome + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR FEMALE DECADENTS. + +_Bulkeley Bigge_ (_a charming fellow, but a bad dancer_). "I CAN'T THINK +WHAT ALL THE GIRLS ARE COMING TO! THEY'VE GOT NO BACK-BONES! FIVE WANTED +TO SIT OUT A DANCE WITH ME TO-NIGHT!"] + + * * * * * + +HENLEY NOTES.--Why did the onlookers persist in making a trouble of a +pleasure-bout? Delightful time, but racing not much. + + By Eton + Radley + Was beaten + Badly. + Lots of pluck + But no luck. + +GUY and VIVIAN NICKALLS easily to the front in the Diamond Challenge +Sculls, sixth and seventh heat. There was no doubt about the heat during +Henley week, as "seventh heat" only feebly expresses the temperature. +The betting on GUY, in sovereigns, resulted in a loss of GUINNESS. The +inscription which goes with the Diamond Sculls is done in +NICKALLS-silver. + + * * * * * + + OUR SCHOOLBOY AGAIN. + +_Examiner._ What is said to have been the food of the Homeric gods? + +_Boy._ Nectarines and ammonia. + + * * * * * + + MR. PUNCH TO TWO NOBLE SPORTSMEN. + + What, _Ladas_ licked and the stout _Valkyrie_ sunk! + How are the hopes of noble champions shrunk! + Oh, most _un_frabjous day! + No more can ROSEBERY boast the unbeaten "crack," + No more that yacht will go "galumphing back" + Prize-winner glad and gay! + + _Punch_ sympathises with his friend DUNRAVEN, + Who nevermore may see return to haven + That gallant, luckless yacht. + PRIMROSE, dear boy, even the fleet _Ladas_ + May yield without disgrace to _Isinglass_, + But _Bullingdon!_--that's hot! + + Perchance the Nonconformist Conscience now + May be conciliated! Anyhow + The horse may "come again," + But that proud yacht lies twenty fathom deep! + May NEPTUNE carefully and kindly keep + That hull beneath his main. + + Sure there is nothing of her but should change + Sea-shapen into something rich and strange. + Well, England will regret + With a good, sportsman by disaster struck, + And hope he'll live with a new yacht--and luck + To lick the Yankee yet! + + * * * * * + + TALK IN COURT. + + (_Consequent on the Peerage Invading the Ranks of the Bar._) + +May it please your Lordship, the Duke, my learned and noble junior, will +read the pleadings. + +I will leave it to my noble and learned friend the Marquis to examine +the next witness. + +I can quite understand your Lordship's annoyance, but I can assure you, +my lord, that the noble Earl from whom I receive my instructions +promised that the documents should be forthcoming. + +I suppose we may leave the question of costs to be settled by our +juniors the illustrious Prince and the hereditary Earl Gardener? + +Really, Duke, I must ask you not to interrupt me while I am conducting +this cross-examination. + +I regret, my Lord, that my young and promising junior, who has but +recently been called to the Bar, should have made the concession, but it +is only right to tell your Lordship that the nobleman in question--the +Duke of HERNE BAY--misunderstood his instructions. + +I am sorry, my Lord, that absence in another part of the building +prevented me from addressing your Lordship. I trust, however, that the +inexperience of my noble and learned friend, the Viscount TOTTENHAM +COURT ROAD, will not be allowed to prejudice my client's interests. + +As your Lordship pleases! + + * * * * * + + A SONG OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY. + + Mamma is a judge of divorces, + Sister ANNE is a learned Q.C., + ELIZA is great upon horses, + And DORA a thriving M.D. + Aunt JANE is a popular preacher, + Aunt SUSAN a dealer in stocks, + While Father, the gentlest old creature, + Attends to the family socks. + + Aunt POLLY'S a marvel of knowledge, + With any amount of degrees, + She's Master or head of some college-- + I forget whether Corpus or Caius-- + Aunt NELL is the eminent counsel + Who pleads at the criminal bar, + And I feed the canary with groundsel + For I'm learning to be a Papa. + + I'm to marry a girl in the City, + She allows me a hundred a year + To dress on, and make myself pretty, + And keep me in baccy and beer. + The duties?--Oh, as for the duties, + You can possibly guess what they are; + And I warrant the boys will be beauties + That are destined to call me Papa. + + * * * * * + +"BARRY, COME UP!" (_Quotation from Shakspeare by a "geltlebal with a +cold id 'is 'ead."_)--Mr. J. WOLFE BARRY was made "a Companion of the +Bath," as a recognition of his having done his best for the Thames. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ESSENCE OF +PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY. M.P.] + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 2._--"I am sorry," said Cap'en TOMMY +BOWLES, "that there is no CHATHAM, BURKE, or FOX alive at this moment to +resist this project of taxing the Colonies." + +In their unavoidable absence the CAP'EN, contrary to his custom, offered +a few remarks. It had been just as well if he had omitted the +preliminary one. He really did not mean anything, much less did he +desire deliberately to offend his friends BARTLEY, BUTCHER, and BYRNE. +But, as the poet remarks, Evil is wrought by want of thought, and the +invidiousness of TOMMY'S remark lost nothing of sting because he had not +intended to hurt anyone's feelings--except, of course, those of SQUIRE +OF MALWOOD, and that is a legitimate occupation. When an enthusiastic +female admirer observed to the eminent WHISTLER that he and VELASQUEZ +were the two greatest artists of times ancient or modern, JEMMY modestly +observed, "Why drag in VELASQUEZ?" Thus BARTLEY, BUTCHER, and BYRNE +turned upon TOMMY with reproachful glance and murmured, "Why drag in +CHATHAM, BURKE, and FOX?" + +However, all over now. The midnight bells chiming over sultry London +proclaim passing of Budget Bill through Committee. Been a long hard +fight, monotonous in its continuity, occasionally exciting in its +divisions, continuously illustrative of Englishman's faculty of never +knowing when he's beaten. Honours rest with SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, who +throughout has unflinchingly and, in the main, good humouredly, borne +the brunt of battle. The flesh is weak, especially when there is a good +deal of it, and the thermometer stands at 82° in the shade. The SQUIRE +has snapped occasionally, JOKIM'S apologetic figure, upright at opposite +side of table, proving unfailing, irresistible, incentive. Even worse to +bear have been the desertion of a few followers and the importunity of +many. Had the SQUIRE been a weaker man, he would long ago have brought +the Closure to bear on obstruction, and there would have followed a +state of irritation, amid which, if Budget was not wrecked, it would +have appropriated the whole time of an extended Session. The SQUIRE, +going on another tack, has worn out obstruction by affecting the virtue +of urbanity if he had it not. + +It was particularly hard lines, after getting Clause XXVII. through last +Wednesday with a majority of over half a hundred, to be compelled to +recommit Bill, in order that CLANCY might chortle, and REDMOND rage. +SQUIRE advised to resist; condemned from his own side when he yielded. +But what happened? At quarter past ten to-night Bill recommitted in +respect of this clause, and on stroke of midnight the whole thing was +done with. + +"We Liberals," said the Member for SARK, "always know better than our +leaders. As there are many of us, and as we each take our individual +view, result somewhat chaotic. Good thing if in comparative leisure of +week end we think over how the Budget Bill was passed, and what would +have happened if we had worried the SQUIRE into going one of our diverse +ways." + +_Business done._--Budget Bill. + +_Tuesday._--Enter the apothecary. It was Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES who brought +him on. The last person in any one's mind. House in Committee on Army +Estimates; HANBURY to the fore. Bound to live up to the 534 speeches he +made and questions he put last year. TOMMY then beat him by fourteen, +and promises to be equally ahead in the current Session. The CAP'EN +hitherto had peculiar advantage, seeing that for many weeks he has been, +so to speak, cruising in home waters. Having been brought up on legacy +tax, teethed on death duties, TOMMY surprised himself and the House with +the command he displayed over intricacies of Budget Bill. HANBURY then +fell behind. Now, with House in Committee on Army Estimates, he can show +TOMMY a clean pair of heels, a spectacle in which that eminent and able +Marine may or may not take keen personal interest. + +HANBURY began at once raising point of order; MELLOR ruled him out like +a shot; so went off on another tack. Adventured the startlingly novel +proposition that "promotion should be by merit." Enlarged on the theme +for twenty minutes; sat down only when he concluded that audience had +fully mastered the proposition, contemplation of which was new to their +bewildered mind. + +It was at this stage TOMMY towed in the apothecary. He appeared on the +scene quite as abruptly as _Romeo's_ acquaintance in the streets of +Mantua:-- + + I do remember an apothecary, + And hereabout he dwells. + +CAP'EN omitted details; but House gathered that his friend the +apothecary was, like _Romeo's_, meagre of looks, worn to the bones by +sharp misery. This condition engendered by circumstance that he had +been brooding in his needy shop, among the green earthen pots, +bladders, and musty seeds, remnants of packthread and old cakes of +roses, upon fact that whilst there are surgeon-majors in the Army, there +are no apothecary-majors. On behalf of his absent friend, TOMMY demanded +an explanation from SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR. + +CAWMELL-BANNERMAN with the ruthless disregard of Shaksperian traditions +that seems to suit the War Office, said "apothecaries are an expiring +class," a way of putting it that suggested they had been dosing +themselves. Their place was now filled by non-commissioned officers, who +were called compounders of medicine. + +What a fall is here. Fancy _Romeo_ going about the moonlit streets of +Mantua calling out, "What ho! Compounder of Medicine." This callous +remark had such effect on Cap'en TOMMY that he laid aside his +speaking-trumpet, and was heard, no more through the live-long night. +_Business done._--Some Votes in Army Estimates. + +_Thursday_.--Looked in after dinner just now; startled to find HANBURY +on his legs, with bit of dirty white rag held out in both hands towards +Treasury Bench. Not many Members present; those on Liberal side +vociferously cheering. CAWMELL-BANNERMAN looking in better temper even +than usual; which was strange since Committee on Army Estimates been at +it since four o'clock, and only one vote passed. WOODALL, only other +occupant of Treasury Bench, been shewing how a man may smile and smile, +and be a Financial Secretary to the War Office. Now the smile broadens +till it stretches almost full length of Treasury Bench. As SARK says, it +justifies RUDYARD KIPLING'S bold imagery of BOBS sitting on a bucking +charger, + + With a smile round both yer ears, + Ain't ye Bobs? + +CAUSTON just bustled in, holding telegram at arm's length. It is the +reading of this that has broken the monotony of Committee with noise of +cheering, and dashed a smile along the Ministerial benches like a sudden +flash of sunlight. Only for this merry mood, one entering the House at +this particular moment might fear the worst. HANBURY been at it hour +after hour since Tuesday, when House got into Committee on Navy +Estimates. CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, a person of imperturbable temper. But +there are limits to human endurance; now they seem to have been reached. +This telegram CAUSTON has brought in and handed to War Minister +doubtless announces that all is ready; a file of soldiers waits on the +Terrace; HANBURY will be seized, bound, carried forth, blindfolded, +shot; and then the Committee will really get to business, and vote +Supply. + +A sad fate for one only moderately middle-aged. _Tu l'as voulu_ ROBERT +WILLIAM. Still, cannot withhold the tear of pity as the hapless man +stands clutching at the extended white flag which announces his +capitulation, his entreaty for pardon, his promise of better conduct in +future. + +Ask SARK if he won't say something for the doomed man. SARK, in language +not to be here repeated, explains that things are not what they seem. +Fact is, HANBURY has somewhere obtained (in what manner, SARK hints, may +be matter for police inquiry) a portion of sheeting, the property of HER +MAJESTY, supplied to soldiers. This he has brought down, intending to +confound CAWMELL-BANNERMAN. Happened to bring it out just at the moment +when news arrived of a great Liberal victory snatched at the polls at +Attercliffe. That's all. + +_Business done._--Two votes in Army Estimates. + +_House of Lords, Friday._--Peers not habitually given to tears. To-night +the MARKISS plunged them (especially Ministers) into condition of abject +woe. Only said that England was the head-quarters of the Anarchist +operations, the laboratory in which all their contrivances were hatched. +ROSEBERY jumped at opportunity with intuition of Old Parliamentary Hand. +Enlarged upon it with skill of born debater. MARKISS saw his mistake. +Hadn't meant anything; only his way of putting a case. But here was +ROSEBERY pitilessly making it clear how the Leader of the Patriot Party +had given his country away to the Paris gossips; how he had assumed a +state of things which, set forth on authority of ex-Prime Minister and +ex-Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, would be made much of by the +enemy abroad. + +MARKISS for once so singed by his own blazing indiscretion that he did +not wait for SCHOMBERG MACDONNELL'S convenient correspondent, but +forthwith endeavoured to explain away his remarks. This led only to +tears coursing more rapidly down ROSEBERY'S pained face, whilst SPENCER +forlornly shook his beard as if it were the flag of England drooping +under the shamed skies, and KIMBERLEY dolefully dropped his head. A +pretty scene, admirably staged and acted. + +_Business done._--The MARKISS puts his foot in it. + + * * * * * + + The Two Sarahs. + + O Woman, you romp in with ease! + If you're not proud you're hard to please: + Men talk to-day on every hand + Of "the Grand SARA" and "SARAH GRAND." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irish Jarvey._ "LET ME DHRIVE YER HONOUR TO DUNEEN +HEAD." + +_English Tourist._ "I HAVE SEEN THAT, PAT. I WENT THERE TWO YEARS AGO." + +_Irish Jarvey._ "AH, YER HONOUR, SHURE THEY'VE ADDED TO THE SCENERY +SINCE THAT TOIME!"] + + * * * * * + +STARTLING FOR HER.--Mrs. R.'s niece read out the heading of a paragraph +in the _Daily Graphic_ last Thursday, which sounded to her attentive +aunt like "The New Baby." Mrs. R. was all attention, expecting some +gratifying intelligence from White Lodge. Imagine her astonishment when +her niece continued, "An addition to the collection of the Zoological +Society of London was made last week----" "What!!!" exclaimed Mrs. R., +and her niece continued.) "When a gnu was born at the menagerie in +Regent's Park." The excellent lady was dumb with amazement. Then her +niece showed her the heading which was "A Gnu Baby," with the +illustration of the gnu baby and the old mother. + + * * * + +PHOSPHORESCENCE IN ART.--Said Professor DEWAR, in a recent lecture, "A +perfectly clean plate of metal does not phosphoresce, but the merest +trace of grease--such as is left by the touch of the hand--will make it +brightly luminous." Take, adds _Mr. Punch_, by way of example, a +perfectly clean plate of metal, apply to it the hand of a skilled +etcher, say of Professor HUBERT HERKOMER, R. A., and the result will be +brightly luminous, and what is more, it will last, and its bright +luminosity will increase with age. + + * * * + +VIVE ROSEBERY!--The owner of _Ladas_ celebrated the Derby triumph with +an entertainment to the Epsom Poor of the Union Workhouse, all +Unionists, of course, which makes the Premier's Ladasian horse-pitality +still more noble. "This week His Lordship entertains the Epsom +tradesmen," so it is announced. One of the entertainments will be of a +novel naval character, and will consist of a hornpipe by the celebrated +Old Epsom Salts. Afterwards nautical song, "_All in the Downs_." + + * * * * * + +REALLY SENSIBLE.--The Lord Chief Justice of England, Lord RUSSELL of +Killowen, (and if there is anything in a name isn't this "Justice to +Ireland"?) will commence his judicial duties, after the swearing is +over, to-day, Wednesday. His Lordship has appointed Mr. R. J. BLOCK to +be his Chief Clerk. Excellent appointment! Especially in this summer +heat, as when oppressed by the weight of his legal wig, the Lord Chief +will simply take it off and put it on the Block. + + * * * + +SHE KNOWS!--Mrs. R. is much pained on hearing that in some parts of the +Potteries the favourite song is the well-known one containing the +lines:-- + + The beating of his own wife + Was all the sound he heard. + +As she shrewdly remarks, this indicates the manner in which the cottar +in this district is accustomed to spend his Saturday night. + + * * * + +OUR TOBY AND HIS ANXIOUS FRIENDS.--_Mr. Punch_ has received several +letters reminding him that the Duke of RUTLAND is a Cantab, not an +Oxonian as stated in our TOBY'S "Essence" for June 30. TOBY is delighted +to hear it. He will remember in future that "_Mr. Crummles_ is not a +Prussian," &c., &c. + + * * * + +"LONDON PLAYGROUNDS."--Drury Lane, Lyceum, Haymarket, Toole's, &c., &c. +The respective managers say they prefer to see these crammed, and object +to all "open spaces." + + + + +Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the +speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + +On page 14, the open single quotation mark was replaced with a double +quotation mark. + +On page 18, the open single quotation mark was replaced with a double +quotation mark. + +On page 22, the open single quotation mark was replaced with a double +quotation mark. + +On page 24, there is a missing open rounded bracket, but the location where that bracket should be placed is unclear. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +107, July 14th 1894, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39583-8.txt or 39583-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/5/8/39583/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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