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diff --git a/39505.txt b/39505.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3a44cca --- /dev/null +++ b/39505.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1656 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, December 2, +1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, December 2, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: April 22, 2012 [EBook #39505] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 2, 1893 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +book was created from images of public domain material +made available by the University of Toronto Libraries +(http://link.library.utoronto.ca/booksonline/).) + + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, December 2, 1893. + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +TO A LADY. + +(_Whose "Fringe" has fallen off at a Ball._) + + Alas! those waving curls, + That parting on your brow, + Had been some other girl's! + "Vhere ish dot barting now?" + + Like BREITMANN'S barty gone + Avay in _ewigkeit_, + Those curls which you put on + To grace the ball to-night. + + Too feeble were the pins, + Too frisky were your hops; + Derisive are the grins, + Departing parting drops. + + A parting, this, that shocks + Beholders evermore; + You dare not claim those locks + Now lying on the floor. + + I used to think them fair, + I find them false instead; + If thus you lose your hair, + I shall not lose my head. + + Nor certainly my heart-- + With that I should not care + So readily to part + As you with purchased hair. + + We kick those curls aside. + Your looks and locks have fled, + Then hasten home to hide + Your much diminished head. + + * * * * * + +DON PEDRO D'ALCANTARA LE COMTE D'EU is eighteen. He is pursuing his +studies at a Military Academy, speaks German fairly well, and in his +leisure hours is, we are informed, "studying Polish." The latter being +acquired, he will become a most polish'd Prince. He is so very well +off that he will not have to go to Brazil for a crown. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DOMESTIC THRIFT. + +SCENE--_Entrance-hall at the Browns, after one of their Parties._ + +_Jones_ (_the last to depart, as usual_). "WHAT A DELICIOUS DRINK, +WAITER! WHAT _IS_ IT!" + +_Waiter._ "THE LEAVINGS, SIR!"] + + * * * * * + +PRINCE ALEXANDER OF BATTENBERG. + + Europe's Prince Charming, lion-like, born to dare, + Betrayed by the black treacherous Northern Bear! + Soldier successful vainly, patriot foiled, + Wooer discomfited, and hero spoiled! + Triumphant champion of Slivnitza's field, + To sordid treachery yet doomed to yield; + Of gallant heart and high-enduring strain, + Valiant resultlessly, victor in vain! + Motley career of mingled shine and shame, + Material fashioned for romantic fame! + An age more chivalrous you should have seen, + When brutal brokers, and when bagmen keen, + Shamed not the sword and blunted not the lance. + Then had you been true Hero of Romance. + Now, when to Mammon Mars must bow his crest, + King-errantry seems a Quixotic quest, + And "unfulfilled renown" finds only--early rest! + + * * * * * + +A VALETUDINARIAN'S VISDOM. + + Evening red and morning grey + Makes _me_ by the fireside stay. + Evening grey and morning red + Finds _me_ tucked up all day in bed! + + * * * * * + +CURIOUS BUT TRUE.--So particular are the Worshipful Company of +Fishmongers to have everything in order, that they have this year +elected as Prime Warden a fine SALMON (ROBERT H.). + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"With the New Year," says a Baronite, "there is a great desire to +turn over a new leaf." Such intentions are easily satisfied by +the _Back-Loop Pocket Diaries_, where leaves for this purpose are +plentifully supplied by JOHN WALKER & CO. Likewise DE LA RUE & CO. +offer Diaries and Memorandum Books in every size and form, and this +year they have a patent clip to keep the leaf down. Ought to be +advertised as "clipping!" + +The Baron's Baronites look into a box of Christmas books and find, +first--_Westward with Columbus_. By GORDON STABLES, M.D.C.M. Graphic +account. "STABLES must have been in excellent form when writing this," +observes a Baronite; "evidently he was not Livery Stables."--_Wreck of +the Golden Fleece._ By ROBERT LEIGHTON. A capital sea story, plenty +of rocks and wrecks, hardships and plague-ships, and all sorts of +wonderful adventures.--_The White Conquerors of Mexico_, by KIRK +MUNROE, tells how CORTES and his Spaniards, being white, did MONTEZUMA +and his Aztic natives brown.--_With the Sea Kings._ F. H. WINDER. The +youthful amateur salt will find everything here to satisfy all his +cravings and _See-kings_. "_Winder_ has taken great _panes_ with +this," says Baronitess. + +"My clients," quoth the Baron, "will do well to read BARING-GOULD'S +cheap _Jack Zita_." Fascinating book by reason of its picturesque +effects and its description of life in the Fens at the commencement of +the present century. "I wonder," muses the Baron, "whether any of my +readers, being Cantabs, will call to mind how some thirty-five years +ago the names of those eminent amateur pugilists J-CK SH-FF-LD, +F-RG-SS-N D-V-E, L-NN-X C-NN-NGH-M, and others were associated with +life in the Fens as it existed at that time, and how these pupils of +NAT LANGHAM'S now and again disputed the championship of a certain Fen +Tavern, won it, and for a time held it? Some undergraduates were hand +and glove with the Fenners--not the cricket-ground, so styled, but the +dwellers in Fen-land; and on occasion they were hand to hand without +the 'glove.'" Why this question? "Because," says the Baron, "one of +the scenes so graphically described in the chapter, headed 'Burnt +Hats,' might have been witnessed at the time I have referred to by +any undergraduate sufficiently venturesome to accompany those +fisticuffers." As for the plot, well, 'tis a good plot, and has always +been a good plot, and "twill serve, 'twill serve." But it is the +BARING-GOULD flavouring that makes the dish acceptable to the jaded +palate of oldest novel-devourer. + + BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +GOOD LUCK TO IT! + +(_To Mr. Caine and his Bill prohibiting advertisements in rural +places._) + + Oh, Mr. CAINE, for this relief much thanks. + As most benignant benefactor ranks + The man who saves our own sweet countryside-- + At once our chiefest glory and our pride-- + From all the many nauseating ills + Which come out of advertisements of pills! + Pills there must be, but when we chance to pass + Through meadows and would rest our eyes on grass, + Or pleasantly meander by the river, + We would forget we've even got a liver. + So here's success to you, Sir, in your Bill + To make it wrong to advertise a pill + In rural spots in which we fondly now + Associate "three acres and a cow!" + And when success this rural venture yields, + Do for the beaches what's done for the fields! + + * * * * * + +"INVISIBLE TROUSER STRETCHERS."--Legs. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BABES ON THE TREASURY BENCH. + +(_With Mr. Punch's Thanks to Mr. Courtney for the Suggestion. Vide +Times, Parliamentary Report, Wednesday, November 22._)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "TRANSMITTED." + +_Ignorant Bachelor Visitor._ "HULLO, THROGMORTON; WHAT THE DEUCE ARE +YOUR TWINS UP TO WITH THAT CONTRIVANCE?" + +_Proud Father (of Throgmorton, Threadneedle & Co.; Telephone +123456-1/4)._ "HA! THERE YOU ARE, MY BOY--MARVELLOUS EXAMPLE OF +INHERITED BUSINESS INSTINCT! THEY'RE TRYING TO TELEPHONE TO EACH +OTHER!"] + + * * * * * + +THE BABES ON THE TREASURY BENCH. + + ["The leader of the Opposition had treated them to good + logic, but why administer such strong meat to the babes on the + Treasury bench?"--_Mr. Courtney on the Parish Councils Bill._] + + We have heard of the Babes in the Wood, + And the ruffians greedy and cruel, + Who (as INGOLDSBY said in gay mood) + Conspired for to "give them their gruel"; + But pitiful bosoms will blench + At this vision of BALFOUR the sinister, + To Babes on the Treasury Bench + Presuming his dose to administer! + They find Doctor BALFOUR, one fears, + Worse than poor _Davy Copperfield's Creakle_; + As awful as grim _Mrs. Squeers_ + With her jorum of brimstone and treacle. + Ah, COURTNEY, how _could_ you conceive + A picture so Mephistophelian? + Your buzzum is stone, I believe, + And your heart must be truly a steely 'un! + Sweet Babes! They seem likely to choke! + Poor GLADDY! Poor JOHNNIE! Poor WILLY! + ARTHUR'S "logic" is tougher than "toke," + And much more insipid than "skilly." + Strong meat? How your irony _you_ barb, + Your humour's as grim as the gallows. + Your dose is as drastic as rhubarb, + And almost as bitter as aloes. + Logic? For Babes? On that Bench? + You're as hard as the Poles' "whiskered pandour." + You might as well set out to drench + Your own Opposition with--candour! + The Treasury Babes may object + To prescriptions from MILL or from WHEWELL, + And logical draughts, I expect, + Would very soon give _you_ your gruel. + If COURTNEY could physic himself, + Or BALFOUR and he dose each other, + How soon both would lay on the shelf + This prescription, and try quite another! + No; Reason, as party-strife goes, + As food is attractive to no men: + And Logic's a nauseous dose, + To be given--as physic--to foemen! + + * * * * * + +"What author was it," inquired Mrs. R. of a literary friend, "who +wrote the line describing going to bed as '_that last infirmity of +noble minds_'?" + + * * * * * + +"HARK! I HEAR THE SOUND OF COACHES." + + ["There are still five of the road-coaches running out of + London."--_Daily News, Nov. 18._] + + If drooping with toil, or aught else, I or + You may spring up with "Excelsior!" + + As up to the box-seat one climbs, + "How pleasant," one murmurs, "'Old Times!'" + + Times equally good, we'll engage, + Have others who go with "The Age." + + Though outlooks to-morrow be livid, + Hold tight now a joy that is "Vivid." + + "_Post equitem?_" Ah! his reliance, + At least, wasn't placed on "Defiance." + + * * * * * + +RATHER FAMILIAR!--It was announced in the _Times_ that "Canon G. F. +BROWNE will lecture at St. Paul's, in January," on "_The Christian +Church before the coming of Augustus_." The Canon ought to have said +"_Sir_ AUGUSTUS." Of course there is only one "AUGUSTUS," _i.e._ our +"DRURIOLANUS." + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE XVII.--_The Drawing-room at Hornbeam Lodge._ CURPHEW _and_ +ALTHEA _are standing at some distance from one another, in evident +constraint_. + +_Curphew (sadly)._ It's only what I expected, and yet--tell me +this--is it entirely because of--of what you saw at the Eldorado last +Saturday? + +_Althea._ Ah, you _know_, then! but what does it matter now? I was +mistaken--isn't that enough? + +_Curph._ Don't judge me by what you saw of WALTER WILDFIRE. I can do +better things than that. I can make you forget _him_--forget that he +ever existed, if only you will trust me! + +_Alth. (indignantly)._ Do you really suppose that he--that I--oh, it's +_too_ insulting! And you will do no good by disparaging _him_. The man +who could write those songs, and sing them like that---- + +_Curph. (wincing)._ Don't! I know how they must have struck you. I +would have prepared you, if I could. I _did_ try--that afternoon at +the station, but I was interrupted. And now it's too late, and the +harm's done. But at least you will never see WALTER WILDFIRE again! + +_Alth. (exasperated)._ Have I ever said that I _wanted_ to? Why will +you persist in talking as if----? Once for all, I _can't_ care for +you; whatever I may have thought once, I know now that I can have no +sympathy with the sort of life you lead; the pleasures you are content +with would not satisfy me; I should want more than you could ever give +me. We should have nothing in common--nothing----There, _now_ do you +understand? + +_Curph._ Yes, I think I do. I suppose it's natural, and yet--don't +think too hardly of me if you can help it. I might have chosen a +higher walk than I did, but at least I've kept out of the mire, and +now at last I see my way to----But that wouldn't interest you. There, +I had better say good-bye: you won't refuse to give me your hand at +parting, will you? + + [_As he takes her hand_, Mrs. TOOVEY _enters with_ CHARLES, + _and stands transfixed._ + +_Mrs. Toovey._ ALTHEA, don't tell me I'm too late! You have not +accepted that man? + +_Curph._ (_releasing_ ALTHEA'S _hand_). On the contrary, I have just +had my dismissal, Mrs. TOOVEY; we were merely saying good-bye. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Thank Heaven! But I knew I could trust _my_ daughter +to detect instinctively the designing serpent in wolf's +clothing--(_correcting herself angrily_)--the sheep in dove's plumage, +I _should_ say. + +_Charles (sotto voce)._ Similes are cheap to-day! + +_Mrs. Toov. (more angrily still)._ Well, _I_ know what I mean, and so +does he! (Mr. TOOVEY _enters_.) And how a person with Mr. CURPHEW'S +antecedents could ever have the face to thrust himself into such a +household as this---- + +_Mr. Toov. (coming forward)._ CORNELIA, my love! Such language to our +dear young friend! Surely, surely, there must be some sad mistake! + +_Mrs. Toov._ There has been indeed, Pa, and so you will say when you +hear who and what he really is! + +_Curph._ Mr. TOOVEY has been quite aware of it for the last week, and +was kind enough to say he saw no insuperable objection. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Pa, is this true? You knew who Mr. CURPHEW was and never +told me! + +_Mr Toov._ My dear, I've no more notion who he is, if he's not Mr. +CURPHEW, than a babe un---- + +_Curph._ But surely, Sir, you forget our conversation at Clapham +Junction this day week? You certainly knew everything _then_. I +thought your nephew had probably---- + +_Charles._ I'd no idea of it myself till last Saturday, so it couldn't +have been _me_! + +_Alth. (impatiently)._ No idea of _what_? Who _is_ Mr. CURPHEW, Papa? + +_Curph. (to her, in astonishment)._ But you know! surely you know? +What else have we been talking about? + +_Mr. Toov. (helplessly)._ I think we might try to be a little more +clear, all of us. I do indeed. I'm in a perfect fog myself. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Then, Pa, let me inform you that you have been +encouraging the acquaintance of a person who gains his living by +singing ribald songs at music-halls under the name of WALTER WILDFIRE! + +_Alth. (to herself)._ WALTER WILDFIRE! Then it was----Oh, if I had +known! + +_Mr. Toov._ A--a music-hall singer! He! Oh, dear, _dear_ me; _how_ one +may be deceived in people! + +_Curph._ Really, Sir, this can hardly be news to you, when you allowed +me to send you a box for the Eldorado for the express purpose of---- + +_Mrs. Toov._ Don't deny you were sent the box, Pa, because I know +better. The question is--what you wanted one at all for? + +_Mr. Toov. (to himself)._ There's no occasion to say anything about +those shares now! (_Aloud._) To be sure. I _was_ sent a ticket, my +love; I could not help that, but (_drawing himself up_) it was not +likely that I should compromise myself by visiting such a place, even +from the best of motives, and I did not use the ticket myself, though +I believe some other person did. + +_Mrs. Toov. (in some distress)._ Well, well, never mind that now, Pa. +What _you_ have to do is to ask this Mr. WILDFIRE to oblige us all by +walking out of this house--for ever. + +_Curph._ I should not have stayed so long as this, only I hoped that +Mr. TOOVEY at least would have done me the justice---- However, I've +nothing to keep me here any longer now. + + [_He moves towards the door._ + +_Alth. (coming forward and intercepting him)._ Yes, you have--you've +_me_. Oh, do you think I'll let you go like this--now I _know_? Can't +you understand what a difference it makes? + + [_She clings to his arm._ + +[Illustration: "Can't you understand what a difference it makes?"] + +_Charles._ Bravo, THEA! I always knew you were a sensible girl! + +_Curph. (utterly bewildered)._ Then you weren't--you don't----? I +wonder if I can be awake! + +_Mrs. Toov._ ALTHEA, if you had the remotest conception of what a +music-hall singer _is_, you would never---- + +_Alth._ I know what Mr. CURPHEW is, Mamma. He is a great artist, a +genius; he can hold a mixed crowd of careless people spell-bound +while he sings, make them laugh, cry, shudder, just as he chooses, +and whatever he does is all so natural and human and real, and--oh, I +can't put it into proper words, but one goes away thinking better of +the whole world after it--and to hear him treated as if he were some +outcast--oh, I can't bear it! + + [_She breaks down._ + +_Curph. (to himself)._ I don't care what happens now. They can't take +_this_ away! + +_Mrs. Toov._ Upon my word! And pray where did you learn all this about +Mr. WILDFIRE'S performances? + +_Alth. (boldly)._ Where, Mamma? Why, at the Eldorado, last Saturday +evening. + + [_Sudden collapse of_ Mrs. TOOVEY. + +_Mr. Toov. (electrified)._ A daughter of mine at the Eldorado! THEA, +my child, you _can't_ know what you are talking about; look at the +effect on your poor mother! + +_Alth. (desperately)._ But indeed, Papa, there was no harm in it, I +went with the MERRIDEWS. And--and I may be mistaken, of course, but +I--I thought I saw _Mamma_ there too! + + [_Sensation._ + +_Charles._ Oh, I say, THEA; aren't you coming it _rather_ strong? Aunt +at the Eldorado! Why, Aunt thought _Uncle_ was there! + +_Mr. Toov._ CORNELIA, my love, don't pay any attention to her; the +child must be stark staring mad to say such things. It's bad enough +that _she_ should have gone; but to think of _you_ in such a scene! +(_To_ ALTHEA.) Why, it was that very Saturday evening that your dear +mother went to the Zenana Meeting at Mrs. CUMBERBATCH'S--yes, to be +sure. (_To_ Mrs. T.) You remember, my dear, how you came home so +late, in a cab the driver had been smoking in, and how the moment you +entered the room I---- + +_Mrs. Toov. (hastily)._ My dear THEOPHILUS, I remember the +circumstances perfectly, but I should not condescend to answer so +preposterous a charge; especially when it is my own daughter who +brings it! + +_Alth._ (_in distress_). But indeed I don't Mamma. I only fancied +it _might_ have been you, and of course, if you were at the +CUMBERBATCHES---- + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). I must put a stop to this once and for +all. (_Aloud_.) _If_ I was at the CUMBERBATCHES! When your father +has just _told_ you I was there--really, ALTHEA! Did I hear wheels +outside? Just look, Pa. I haven't seen my spectacles since Saturday. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_at the window_). Why, really, my love, it does seem to +be a carriage, indeed. I wonder who can be calling at such a----Now, +it's quite a coincidence, truly--it's dear Mrs. CUMBERBATCH! I hope +she'll come in, because I really think it's a duty to warn her against +employing that particular cabman again. A driver who permits himself +to smoke inside his own vehicle to that extent---- + + [Mrs. TOOVEY _makes ineffectual efforts to speak_. + +_Alth._ (_in a whisper, to_ CURPHEW). Do look at Mamma! You don't +think she could really----? + +_Curph._ I don't know what to think yet; but we shall all know in a +very few seconds now. + + [_The hall-door is heard to open; Mrs. TOOVEY attempts to + rise, but has to remain in her seat, dumb and paralysed_. + +END OF SCENE XVII. + + * * * * * + +LOBENGULA'S LETTER-BAG. + +(_Post-mark, Regent's Park_.) + +Shall be glad to engage you for the Gardens. You will be expected to +look after the elephants and to make yourself generally useful with +the lions and tigers. As the Christmas holidays are approaching, +perhaps you might invent a little comic scene with the crocodiles. A +similar feature was supplied years ago by the French sailor in charge +of the seals with much effect. Of course we shall be glad if your +knowledge of the idiosyncrasies of the ourang-outang enables you +to suggest anything that could be worked up into a comic interlude. +Please bear in mind that the Gardens want waking up, and you have +a big opportunity. You would have Sunday off every other week. The +Gardens would reserve to themselves the right of regulating your +costume. Your boots and straw-hat may be ample in Africa, but in +the Regent's Park would be considered inappropriate. We think we can +clothe you in the very thing, if we can find a size large enough for +you. It is called "the boy's home-for-the-holidays lounging suit," and +is largely advertised. Shall expect you by next boat. + +(_Post-mark, Westminster_). Glad to engage you for a month certain, +with power to increase the time to six weeks or longer. Could you +bring with you a pugilistic hippopotamus? It must be a young one, as +there is not much room for any side-shows. If you can jump, and don't +mind water, so much the better. If you would leap from the +organ-loft into a tank on to the stage, carrying on your back the +boxing-kangaroo, the feat might be accepted, and prove a feature. +Think this over on the journey to England. Perhaps something may +occur to you. If so, mind that we are deeply respected, and are highly +popular with the L. C. C. So please let your suggestions be as refined +as possible. + +(_Post-mark, Paternoster Row_). Shall be glad to arrange with you for +the immediate production of your Recollections. Would be glad if they +were written in a bright, chatty style. You might give an account +of your connection with literary celebrities, torturers, scientific +expeditions, executions, sport in the far East, native war, and other +topics of interest that may have come under your personal observation. +If you could write up to some electros we have of a comic German +Christmas party so much the better. As the success of the book is +doubtful, we do not wish to incur unnecessary expense, and therefore +would be glad if you could see your way to introducing the following +blocks, of which we hold the copyright:--Covent Garden by Moonlight, +A Spanish Bull Fight, An Execution in front of the Old Bailey, A +Students' Ball in the Quartier Latin, H.R.H. opening a Newly-erected +Board-School, Snipe Shooting on the Norfolk Broads, Christmas in +a Storm at Sea, Hampstead Heath on Bank Holiday, Portrait of JOHN +WESLEY, A Lecture on Chemistry at the Royal Polytechnic Institution, +Exterior of the new Police Court at Bow Street, An Incident in the +Lord Mayor's Show, "Oxford wins," VAN TROMP sailing up the Thames, +Paris Fashions for February, Christmas Eve--the Last Omnibus, Hop +Pickers on the March, The new Uniform of the Grenadier Guards, and the +late Fire at the Borough Brewery. We shall be glad if you will put the +book in hand at once, as it is scarcely necessary to say that the +sale of a work of reminiscences depends to a large extent upon the +popularity of its author at the moment of publication. Terms, after +the sale of 5000 copies, one penny a volume royalty. + +(_Post-mark, Drury Lane._) Engage you at once for ten years. Probably +shall not require you for more than three or four months, but shall +retain you for the rest of the time. May come in useful later on. +Place waiting for you in the Pantomime. Minute and a half in English +History in twenty minutes. Also comic scene with the Clown. The +engagement must have clause allowing transference. Can find places for +your wives (if they are really nice ones) in the Transformation Scene. +If you can imitate the cries &c., of wild beasts, &c., think I can get +you a turn at the Palace. Writing a first-rate part for you in Autumn +drama. A sort of gentlemanly demon, who appears in the West End during +the first and third Acts, and in the last scene, appears in national +costume with a real army and the whole bag of tricks. Bring as many of +your army with you as you can. Can find something for them to do until +the production of the Autumn drama. Collect a good lot of assegais and +other useful props. May see way to working you into the Opera season. +If you can sing, can give you a show at a concert. Might do for German +series. Terms as per usual. Special arrangement if wanted at Windsor. +Come over at once. On second thoughts, remain where you are. Will run +over to have a chat. Third, and last thought, come over yourself. Find +myself, with my engagements, just now a little pressed for time. _Au +revoir!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NOVELTY. + +_Mr. Cylinder_ (_who always uses his Host's cartridges_). "WHAT POWDER +ARE THESE LOADED WITH, MY BOY?" + +_Beater._ "AR DOAN'T RIGHTLY KNOW; BUT AR THINK THEY CALLS IT SERDLITZ +POODER!"] + + * * * * * + +Coal and Wood. + + ["_That a Board of Conciliation be constituted forthwith, to + last for one year at least, consisting of an equal number + of coalowners and miners' representatives, fourteen of + each_."--_Terms of the Collieries Strike Conference._] + + Hooray for happy harmony so readily restored! + Thanks chiefly to young ROSEBERY, that shrewd and genial lord. + And _Mr. Punch_ is thankful, for such strikes we can't afford, + That in the Labour _platform_ the newest _plank_'s a _Board_! + + * * * * * + +AN ORNITHOLOGICAL OUTBURST. + + ["A specimen of the rare white-tailed eagle has just been shot + at Bude Haven, Cornwall."--_Daily Paper, Nov. 24._] + + Ah! shades of YARRELL, MORRIS, BEWICK, WOOD, + Swoop down from Nephelococcygian eyrie + With legions of bird-phantoms, + Roc-ghosts and spectral bantams, + And venge the Vandal sporting-man's vagary, + Wrought on your race in Cornwall's bay of Bude! + + A _Haliaetus_ he's done to death! + Haunt him and harry, ossifrage and osprey! + Hoot, owl! Croak havoc, raven! + He of that wave-beat haven + Should--like the Ancient, of the Albatross--pray + For tardy pardon till his latest breath! + + Soon will the Sea-earn join the vanished band + Of Garefowl, AEpyornis, Dodo, Moa! + And e'en the merry mavis + Will rank as _rara avis_-- + The sparrow, sole of all that sailed with NOAH, + Will learn the casual pot-shot to withstand! + + Why surely, when rare birds are rarer made + By 'ARRY, or by 'ARRIET'S hat-adorner, + These gentry should be tethered + To posts, and tarred and feathered! + To see the balance thus redressed a mourner + Would _not_ be he who has these lines essayed! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISCUSSION ON WOMAN'S RIGHTS. + +"A--I'VE NO DOUBT YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT IN _THEORY_, LADY HYPATIA. BUT +I'M AFRAID THAT IN PRACTICE THE WORLD AT LARGE WON'T AGREE WITH YOU." +"WON'T IT? THEN IT OUGHTN'T TO _BE_ AT LARGE!"] + + * * * * * + +A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO. + +(_Latest Parliamentary Version._) + +MR. H. FOWLER _sings_. (AIR--"_Daisy Bell._") + + There's mazy misgiving upon my part, + Hazy, hazy, + Women, by WALTER M'LAREN'S art, + Muddle my "Mazy Bill." + Whether I love it or love it not, + Down I must gulp this pill. + She-suffrage complicates the plot, + Much, of my "Mazy Bill"! + +_Chorus_-- + + Mazy! Mazy! + She-Voter, sit up, do! + I'm half crazy, + All with the weight of _you_! + You will not be robbed by marriage + Of a ride on this bi-wheeled carriage. + You look so sweet + (So you think) on the seat + Of a Bicycle built for Two! + + We must go "tandem," like man and wife!-- + Aisy! Aisy!-- + Am I not working away for life, + Driving my "Mazy Bill"? + Taking _you_ up, as an extra load, + Taxes my strength and skill. + Rough and up-hill is the country road, + Run by the "Mazy Bill." + +_Chorus_-- + + Lazy! Lazy!-- + Spin like a "Scorcher"--_do_! + I'm half crazy + With the dead weight of you! + Spinster or bound in marriage, + You claim gratuitous carriage; + But--use your feet + If you _must_ have a seat, + On this Bicycle built for Two! + + I must stand by you? Oh yes, _I_ know! + _They_ see, _they_ see,-- + M'LAREN and STANSFELD, JESSE and JOE,-- + I'm bound to my "Mazy Bill." + You'll take the lead, if I don't mistake. + Then, if you work your will, + Who will there be to put on the brake, + Working my "Mazy Bill"? + +_Chorus_-- + + Hazy! Hazy! + Such is the country view! + Squires half crazy, + All for sheer dread of you! + Maidens or marred by marriage, + Your sex means claiming their carriage; + But, I feel dead beat + With your weight on the seat + Of this Bicycle--built for Two! + + * * * * * + + +CONVERSATION BOOK FOR CANDIDATES. + +(_When the Ladies have the Franchise._) + +_Voter._ Are you sure you are quite steady? + +_Candidate._ Quite. And I am prepared to give the best time of my life +to the consideration of the most important---- + +_V._ Thank you, that will do. But do you think that a carriage is +necessary for a wife? + +_C._ Certainly, and it would be a grievance if she had not one. By a +development of the trade of the country I believe that---- + +_V._ Thank you, that will do. And I suppose you admit the equality of +the sexes? + +_C._ Undoubtedly, considering that the highest places in the +university class lists are carried off by---- + +_V._ Thank you, that will do. And I suppose you, if elected, will +have a fortune sufficiently ample to afford a house in Eaton Square, +a place in the country, a yacht in the Solent, a box at the opera, and +all the other necessary etceteras? + +_C._ Most probably. I hold it to be the duty of every legislator to +see that his wealth is sufficient to enable him to give his individual +time to the service of his constituents, and---- + +_V._ Thank you, that will do. I presume, if you married, you would +like your wife's mother to occasionally visit her daughter? + +_C._ Theoretically, yes. Judging for others, I would say that no +subject of greater interest than happy domestic arrangement could be +imagined. I would insist that the well-being of the family circle is +of paramount importance, and that---- + +_V._ Thank you, that will do. And now for my last question. If you are +elected will you be prepared to marry my eldest daughter? + +_C._ That is a matter of great moment which requires the most careful +consideration. Without absolutely pledging myself to any course of +action, I may declare that---- + +_V._ Thank you, that will do. And now I will examine your opponent! + + * * * * * + +PALINODE. + + ["In my old Radical days."--_Mr. Chamberlain._] + + Yes, I once was a smart little Rad + Who talked about "lilies" and "ransom." + Those views, which were shallow and mad, + I retract, in a manner most handsome. + Eh? "Skeletons," "Armchairs"? Oh no! + I hold they are traitors or sillies, + Who talk (like the juvenile JOE) + About skeletons, ransom, and lilies! + Ri fol de rol liddle lol dol! + + I _might_ be indulging to-day + In the rampant and rancorous Rad's tone, + Swearing "lilies" full "ransom" must pay, + If it hadn't a-been for that GLADSTONE! + _He_ serves as a warning to _me_, + A sort of political helot; + But, thanks to old W. G., + I'm no longer a radical zealot! + Ri fol de rol liddle lol dol! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO." + +["If he (Mr. FOWLER) understood the decision of the House correctly on +this subject, it was this--that the disqualification of married women +should cease, that was to say, where a woman was otherwise qualified, +and was on an existing register, and, as such, entitled to vote, she +should not be disqualified by reason of being a married woman.... It +was a decision which the Government would endeavour to carry out.... +He should propose to insert a new clause removing the disqualification +of married women altogether."--_Mr. H. Fowler in the Debate on the +Parish Councils Bill_.]] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT'S PUZZEL. + +I've had a Puzzel put into my hands by a heminent Common Councilman +which has puzzeld me orfully, but which he says is as plane as the +hobjects of a County Counsellor. It is as follows:-- + + "Amalgamation is Wexation, + Unefecation is as Bad, + The Royal Commission puzzels me, + And their practises drives me Mad!" + +In course the hole thing is a Commondrum to a pore Waiter like me; but +my frend tells me that it all means, that as the City Copperation is +the popularest body in all the hole Country, and the London County +Counsel about the most unpopularest, as they are allers a hinterfering +unnessasarily with the comforts and amusements of some class or other +of the peeple, they acshally has the hordasity to propose that the +grand old Copperation shoud be abolished altogether, and ancient +Gildhall and the honored Manshun House, with all their sacred +contents, handed over to the County Counsellors! and that in future +there shoud be no reel City of London, but that all the hole place, +with its five millions of peeple, shoud be muddled up together, and +put under the loving care of the London County Counsel! + +Well, I do happen to have a pretty large acquaintance one way and +another, and I wentures to say, most truthfully, that I haven't come +across one singel one on 'em but what has ether amost bust hisself +with larfter, or amost screamed hisself hoarse with hindignation, when +I have told him my almost unposserbel tail! + +I did wenture to ask the Common Councilman, the other day, whether he +reelly thort as there was any possibility of such a hideous skeme a +being carried out, when we all knowd what a splendid caracter the +old Copperation had borne for ages past for Generossity, for +Horsepitallerty, and for Eddication. His arnser was, "My dear ROBERT, +we lives in sitch rum times that one hesitates to say that any +habsurdity is impossible, but the great trust of all of us is, that +should things get to the werry worst, and ewen the House of Commons +throw us over--tho I have heard their great Leader himself declare, in +Gildhall itself, that the history of the City Copperation reflected an +amount of credit upon those who had governed it for generations that +it would be differcult to surpass--the same nobel and hindependent +Body as only a few munse ago saved the country from disruption, and +thereby raised themselves greatly in the estimation of all thinking +men, would again step forward and save the grate Capital from such a +ridickulus, and contemtible, and silly absurditty as was never equaled +in the history of the world!" + +Ah, well, these was nice comforting words for me to hear, and sent me +about my ofishal dooties with quite renewed wiggour, and when shortly +afterwards I wentured to repeat them to one of the most importantest +of our gests, he turned round and acshally shook my hand, and +exclaimed, "Ah, my good ROBERT, we may trust to them, for many and +many a time have I heard some of our gratest men exclaim, 'Thank God +we have a House of Lords!'" + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +ONE OF THE "MAXIMS" OF CIVILISATION! + +[Illustration: OLD AND NEW. + +"Think of the glorious Mottoes," said a Major of the old school. +"'_Nil Desperandum_,' 'Death or Victory,' 'England Expects,' and so +forth!" Replied his friend, the modern Captain, "Bother your Mottoes! +Give us the 'Maxims'!"] + + * * * * * + +"Flibbertigibbet." + + The fiend that now urges to--pen flippant novels + Is modern _Poor Tom's_ modish _Modo_,[*] + The work that in cynical worldliness grovels + Will soon be extinct as the Dodo! + +[Footnote *: See _King Lear_.] + + * * * * * + +"HISTORY (NEARLY) REPEATS ITSELF." + +(_A Peep into the Future._) + +There was a general strike. The playing fields were deserted, and +trade was at a standstill. Not a cricket-ball or a foot-ball had +been made for months, and the lawn-tennis industry was paralyzed. The +papers of the day urged the Government to intervene. "After all, it +was only a matter of figures. Surely a compromise might be reached. +If players would only meet payers, all would be well." So a Cabinet +Council was held, and the most popular Member of the Ministry was +selected as arbitrator. The name was well-received by both sides, and +all seemed _en train_ for a satisfactory settlement. + +"We must have a proper salary," said a representative of the foot-ball +profession: "if we don't, we shall have to give it up, and take to +soldiering, doctoring, brief-accepting, and the rest of it." + +There was a murmur of disapproval at this suggestion. Was foot-ball +to perish because its professors could not get a "living wage"? No, a +thousand times no! + +Then the Minister suggested that he had better hear the complaints of +the men, the women, and the children. So the cricketers, the golfers, +the polo-players, and the lovers of lawn-tennis spoke at length. + +"And what may you want young lady?" asked the arbitrator, with a +smile. + +"I must be paid for taking my doll for a walk," replied a small girl +of six or seven. "I have to keep the toy perambulator in repair, and +when Rose falls on her nose, I have to get her face replaced. How am +I to bear these expenses if I receive nothing? It is impossible, +unreasonable!" + +"And I, too," cried a schoolboy. "How can I trundle my hoop or play at +marbles if I am not allowed something for my time?" + +And there were other complaints. Everyone wanted a wage, and the cries +for salaries waxed louder and louder. + +Then the Minister asked for a few minutes' grace, and began writing. +After he had finished his despatch, he put it in an envelope, and +requested someone to read it when he had taken his departure. Then he +went away. + +"Dear me!" said the person to whom the despatch had been entrusted. +"This is highly unsatisfactory. I find the arbitrator has resigned +without making an award, and has left the matter in the hands of Lord +ROSEBERY." + +Then there was a cry of sorrow. For it was known that as Lord ROSEBERY +had had quite enough of conflicts between capital and labour, he would +certainly refuse to be dragged into another quarrel. + +So the war went on between players and payers, and "Merrie England" +became a byword of reproach in the comity of nations. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Popular Idea of the Costume of a Member of the Bar on +"Grand Day."] + + * * * * * + +MATURE CHARMS. + + MAIDEN slim and fair, with the golden hair, + So eager to snare with the knowing glance + Of your eyes so bright, and to waltz all night + With that step so light in the mazy dance, + + Years ago, I swear, we once met somewhere; + We danced--you take care to forget that ball-- + And my arm embraced that wasp's whalebone waist, + So cruelly laced, so absurdly small! + + But then I declare you had nut-brown hair, + The colour's still there just down at the roots; + You are "fancy free," full of girlish glee, + But you're forty-three I would bet my boots. + + Your beauty is rare, but I am aware + That face you prepare, that vile waist you buy, + Which corsets to civilised women give, + And hairdressers live so that you may dye. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO POLITE!! + +_Slim nervous Gent_ (_pulling up at a regular facer_). "HOLD HARD, YOU +BRUTE! 'LADIES FIRST!'"] + + * * * * * + +A BALLAD. + + I wish I could write romantic rot, + Like the beautiful songs they sing + At Ballad Concerts; why should I not + Attempt such a simple thing? + This metre's just right. Here goes!--The moon + Shone sad o'er the silvered waves, + The nightingale trilled 'neath that night of June, + Where the river the primrose laves. + + (That's good, though hazy the sense may seem, + No primrose would bloom at the time; + The river "laves" it, not it the stream; + "Moon" and "June" makes a clumsy rhyme.) + Upon the terrace a maiden fair + Was gazing the waters o'er, + And dreaming of vows of love she ne'er + Would hear, as in days of yore. + + ("Days of yore," that's fine.) And her soft, sad eyes + Looked up at the starry night, + She kissed a fair ruby ring, with sighs, + Which shone on her fingers white. + (You put the words as it suits you best; + The adjective need not be + Before the noun.) On her heaving breast + A red, red rose you could see. + + (That is if you had been there.) She wept; + To-night must her lover go. + The rose was awake, though the pimpernel slept. + (Bagged from TENNYSON, don't you know?) + The silent stream whispered scarce a sign, + Ere it swept past the willows grey. + (The sense is vague, though the sound is fine; + What it means even I can't say.) + + Alas! alas! red, red rose, bright ring! + Red rose, cherished ring, alas! + (Such bosh sounds beautiful when you sing.) + A hush lay over the grass. + (I'm hanged if I know what a "hush" may be. + It's something pathetic, sublime.) + The nightingale warbled upon the tree. + O rose-scented summertime! + + He came, and pressed to his manly heart + The maid 'neath the pale moonbeams + (Don't mind if accents are wrong); they part! + In (excellent rhyme) her dreams + The joy of that passionate farewell kiss + To the silent tomb she bore. + (I could easily write you a mile of this, + But you probably want no more.) + + * * * * * + +"LA FIN DU SEA-AIGLE(!!)."--The _Standard_ informs us that-- + + "A specimen of the white-tailed, or sea eagle, has just been + shot at Bude Haven, Cornwall. The bird weighed nearly eight + pounds, and the extended wings measure between seven and eight + feet from tip to tip." + +Now, "next please," and let us have the "Very last of the Sea +Serpent!" + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night, November 20._--Rumour current +to-night that Ballykilbeg is in the market. Ballykilbeg is the +manorial seat of one of the most ancient and honourable Irish +families, long settled in County Down. The O'HNSTONS were in the train +of BORRHOIMI when he first essayed, and succeeded in, the difficult +task of forming a United Ireland. JAKE O'HNSTON is a name that lingers +lovingly in tradition of Youngest Ireland. Gradually, being always on +the people's lips, it began to take a new form. J. O'HNSTON naturally +became JOHNSTON; but Ballykilbeg was always there. To-day House of +Commons contains no more esteemed Member than he who is known as +JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg. A man of war breathing battle, ever ready +to take his place amongst the corpses in the last ditch, JOHNSTON of +Ballykilbeg off the platform in Ulster, or off his legs in House of +Commons, is the mildest-mannered man that ever proposed to broil a +brother for conscience' sake. + +Quite a sensation at prospect of dissevering JOHNSTON from +Ballykilbeg. Glad to hear there's nothing, or little, in it. +Arises out of circumstance that JOHNSTON has approached Mr. G. with +suggestion that Treasury shall purchase an estate in Ireland, and +there plant out the Duke of YORK. If the Duke, making a survey of +Ireland, should find no more attractive place than Ballykilbeg, +the descendant of the O'HNSTONS is not the man to allow personal +predilections or old associations to stand in the way of gratification +of Royal desire. It might come to pass that the Crowned Heads of +Europe would welcome at their courts YORK of Ballykilbeg, whilst the +last of the O'HNSTONS would be content to house his loyal head under +alien roof. That, however, not a prospect in view when he moved in the +matter. There is surely room between the seas that circle Ireland for +the Duke of YORK and JOHNSTON still at Ballykilbeg. + +[Illustration: Johnson of Ballykilbeg escorting the Duke of York.] + +_Business done._--Clause I. added to Parish Councils Bill. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS.--No. 5. HUNTING.] + + * * * * * + +_Tuesday_.--Parish Councils on again. That was order of day, but human +ingenuity dragged in other matters. First Woman's Suffrage, on which +there was livelier debate than has yet arisen in Committee on this +Bill. Last Thursday WALTER M'LAREN raised question in form of +an Instruction. Government resisting were beaten, the Opposition +coalescing with revolting Radicals. Now, as SQUIRE OF MALWOOD puts +it, the Government, kissing the rod, accept injunction; undertake to +embody M'LAREN'S Amendment in Bill. Pretty to see air of doubt and +hesitation that hereupon comes over ingenuous faces on Opposition +benches. If HENRY FOWLER had put his back up, declared that Woman +delighted him not, nor WALTER M'LAREN either, Opposition would again +have joined forces with Radicals, and Government would once more have +suffered defeat. Since they resolved to obey Instruction carried by +majority last Thursday, PRINCE ARTHUR shakes his head; EDWARD STANHOPE +shows this is quite another pair of sleeves; whilst JOSEPH, back +bronzed from breezy Bahamas, bluntly says he will oppose new Clause +HENRY FOWLER has promised to bring in. + +"It is the duty of an Opposition to oppose," says PRINCE ARTHUR; "and +I did not for several Sessions sit at feet of OLD MORALITY without +being impressed with imperative sense of duty." + +[Illustration: Mr. Courtney explains the Puzzle.] + +Later, when this difficulty temporarily out of way and it seemed +progress with Clause might be made. Proportional Representation was +dragged in neck and crop. COURTNEY took charge of the puzzle business, +and tried to explain it. No prizes offered, and attention a little +slack. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD defined the theory in admirable phrase. "It +is," he said, "an ingenious system by which a man is to vote for +a person he does not prefer in order to secure a majority for some +purpose he does not understand." Can't better that; leaves nothing +else to say. Nevertheless, much was said; talked by the hour; finally +a division, in which Government majority, rarely falling below three +score and ten, stood at 72. + +_Business done._--Something of the debating society order. + +_Thursday night._--Things coming to a pretty pass if TOMLINSON is not +to offer a few observations on third reading of Employers' Liability +Bill without an arrogant Minister moving the Closure. Apart from +consideration of individual liberty and freedom of speech, House would +have suffered special disappointment if SPEAKER had accepted ASQUITH'S +suggestion and submitted question of Closure. Finding TOMLINSON on +his feet at this juncture it naturally thought he had, in interval, +discovered what his amendments moved last week in Committee on Bill +meant, and was seizing this opportunity of explaining them. He didn't; +but that was all ASQUITH'S fault. Enough to cow any man rising at +ten minutes to twelve and having pistol held to his head in shape of +motion for the Closure. + +Just at the time when TOMLINSON was coming to his explanation, hand of +clock touched five minutes to twelve. He might still have used up +at least four minutes; being flurried, he sat down; and now we shall +never know what his amendments were designed to accomplish. Happily +there was time left for MATTHEWS to soundly rate ASQUITH for his +attempt to Closure TOMLINSON. Right hon. gentleman could scarcely +control his tongue in the emotion under which he laboured, in +contemplation of the attempted outrage. It would have been bad enough +with an ordinary member. That the weighty and sententious speech of so +eminent a statesman as the Member for Preston should have been broken +in upon by a motion for the Closure only showed, in the ex-Home +Secretary's opinion, how bad was the case of the Government, how +reckless the tactics to which desperation drove them. A beautiful +speech; almost, as TOMLINSON says, worth being snubbed by ASQUITH in +order to elicit this eloquent testimony to modest merit. + +_Business done._--Employers' Liability Bill read a third time. + +_Friday Night._--Great advantage of habit of foreign travel ingrained +with Members of Commons is that when erudite question comes up sure +to be someone present who can illustrate its bearings from experience +gained in more or less remote portions of the planet. Just now HENRY +FOWLER moved provision in Parish Councils Bill, making it possible for +Lovely Woman, whether married or single, to stoop to folly of being +elected on Parish Council Board. Up jumps HORACE PLUNKETT with some +charming reminiscences brightly told of residence in the State of +Wyoming. In that happy land women enjoy equal political and municipal +privileges with their brother men. + +"I was," said PLUNKETT, "well acquainted with a female Justice of the +Peace. She discharged her duties, and, when necessary, a revolver." + +Another of PLUNKETT'S lady friends in far-off Wyoming had her domestic +duties broken in upon by summons to attend a jury. Case proved +protracted; husband had to stay at home and mind the baby, whilst she +was locked up all-night with eleven good men and true. + +After hearing this, Committee unanimously, without division being +challenged, agreed to FOWLER'S Amendment. + +_Business done._--On Clause III. Parish Council Bill. + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE IN LONDON. + + BUY no more, Ladies; buy no more; + Shops were deceivers ever: + One price in season, one before, + And reasonable never. + Then buy not so, + But let them go, + And be you blithe and bonny, + Converting "_Robes, modes, et manteaux_" + Into--"_Pas, si je connais_!" + + Bring no more bargains--sales are low, + And bills are dull and heavy; + (The shopmen drew their longest bow + For Summer's rout and _levee_.) + Then buy not so, + But let them "show" + And be you shrewd and bonny, + Converting all their "_Tout ce qu'il faut_" + Into--"_Pas, si je connais_!" + + * * * * * + +"TEARS, IDLE TEARS!" + + PUNCH'S picture, "When the Cat's Away!" + Seems to have effect! The brutal "play" + Of young ruffians, in at least two cases, + Whipping has rewarded. What long faces + TROTTER pulls! With his mild creed it clashes. + Sentiment's eyes are wet--about the _lashes_! + Howling brutes make mollycoddles snivel. + Let the ruffians rail, their champions drivel. + Brutalising to chastise brutality? + 'Tis the merest blind sentimentality. + Feeble men and helpless women save + From the roughs, and let the weepers rave! + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, +December 2, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 2, 1893 *** + +***** This file should be named 39505.txt or 39505.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/5/0/39505/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +book was created from images of public domain material +made available by the University of Toronto Libraries +(http://link.library.utoronto.ca/booksonline/).) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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