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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, December 2,
+1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, December 2, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: April 22, 2012 [EBook #39505]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 2, 1893 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+book was created from images of public domain material
+made available by the University of Toronto Libraries
+(http://link.library.utoronto.ca/booksonline/).)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Punch, or the London Charivari
+
+Volume 105, December 2, 1893.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+TO A LADY.
+
+(_Whose "Fringe" has fallen off at a Ball._)
+
+  Alas! those waving curls,
+    That parting on your brow,
+  Had been some other girl's!
+    "Vhere ish dot barting now?"
+
+  Like BREITMANN'S barty gone
+    Avay in _ewigkeit_,
+  Those curls which you put on
+    To grace the ball to-night.
+
+  Too feeble were the pins,
+    Too frisky were your hops;
+  Derisive are the grins,
+    Departing parting drops.
+
+  A parting, this, that shocks
+    Beholders evermore;
+  You dare not claim those locks
+    Now lying on the floor.
+
+  I used to think them fair,
+    I find them false instead;
+  If thus you lose your hair,
+    I shall not lose my head.
+
+  Nor certainly my heart--
+    With that I should not care
+  So readily to part
+    As you with purchased hair.
+
+  We kick those curls aside.
+    Your looks and locks have fled,
+  Then hasten home to hide
+    Your much diminished head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DON PEDRO D'ALCANTARA LE COMTE D'EU is eighteen. He is pursuing his
+studies at a Military Academy, speaks German fairly well, and in his
+leisure hours is, we are informed, "studying Polish." The latter being
+acquired, he will become a most polish'd Prince. He is so very well
+off that he will not have to go to Brazil for a crown.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC THRIFT.
+
+SCENE--_Entrance-hall at the Browns, after one of their Parties._
+
+_Jones_ (_the last to depart, as usual_). "WHAT A DELICIOUS DRINK,
+WAITER! WHAT _IS_ IT!"
+
+_Waiter._ "THE LEAVINGS, SIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRINCE ALEXANDER OF BATTENBERG.
+
+  Europe's Prince Charming, lion-like, born to dare,
+  Betrayed by the black treacherous Northern Bear!
+  Soldier successful vainly, patriot foiled,
+  Wooer discomfited, and hero spoiled!
+  Triumphant champion of Slivnitza's field,
+  To sordid treachery yet doomed to yield;
+  Of gallant heart and high-enduring strain,
+  Valiant resultlessly, victor in vain!
+  Motley career of mingled shine and shame,
+  Material fashioned for romantic fame!
+  An age more chivalrous you should have seen,
+  When brutal brokers, and when bagmen keen,
+  Shamed not the sword and blunted not the lance.
+  Then had you been true Hero of Romance.
+  Now, when to Mammon Mars must bow his crest,
+  King-errantry seems a Quixotic quest,
+  And "unfulfilled renown" finds only--early rest!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VALETUDINARIAN'S VISDOM.
+
+  Evening red and morning grey
+  Makes _me_ by the fireside stay.
+  Evening grey and morning red
+  Finds _me_ tucked up all day in bed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURIOUS BUT TRUE.--So particular are the Worshipful Company of
+Fishmongers to have everything in order, that they have this year
+elected as Prime Warden a fine SALMON (ROBERT H.).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+"With the New Year," says a Baronite, "there is a great desire to
+turn over a new leaf." Such intentions are easily satisfied by
+the _Back-Loop Pocket Diaries_, where leaves for this purpose are
+plentifully supplied by JOHN WALKER & CO. Likewise DE LA RUE & CO.
+offer Diaries and Memorandum Books in every size and form, and this
+year they have a patent clip to keep the leaf down. Ought to be
+advertised as "clipping!"
+
+The Baron's Baronites look into a box of Christmas books and find,
+first--_Westward with Columbus_. By GORDON STABLES, M.D.C.M. Graphic
+account. "STABLES must have been in excellent form when writing this,"
+observes a Baronite; "evidently he was not Livery Stables."--_Wreck of
+the Golden Fleece._ By ROBERT LEIGHTON. A capital sea story, plenty
+of rocks and wrecks, hardships and plague-ships, and all sorts of
+wonderful adventures.--_The White Conquerors of Mexico_, by KIRK
+MUNROE, tells how CORTES and his Spaniards, being white, did MONTEZUMA
+and his Aztic natives brown.--_With the Sea Kings._ F. H. WINDER. The
+youthful amateur salt will find everything here to satisfy all his
+cravings and _See-kings_. "_Winder_ has taken great _panes_ with
+this," says Baronitess.
+
+"My clients," quoth the Baron, "will do well to read BARING-GOULD'S
+cheap _Jack Zita_." Fascinating book by reason of its picturesque
+effects and its description of life in the Fens at the commencement of
+the present century. "I wonder," muses the Baron, "whether any of my
+readers, being Cantabs, will call to mind how some thirty-five years
+ago the names of those eminent amateur pugilists J-CK SH-FF-LD,
+F-RG-SS-N D-V-E, L-NN-X C-NN-NGH-M, and others were associated with
+life in the Fens as it existed at that time, and how these pupils of
+NAT LANGHAM'S now and again disputed the championship of a certain Fen
+Tavern, won it, and for a time held it? Some undergraduates were hand
+and glove with the Fenners--not the cricket-ground, so styled, but the
+dwellers in Fen-land; and on occasion they were hand to hand without
+the 'glove.'" Why this question? "Because," says the Baron, "one of
+the scenes so graphically described in the chapter, headed 'Burnt
+Hats,' might have been witnessed at the time I have referred to by
+any undergraduate sufficiently venturesome to accompany those
+fisticuffers." As for the plot, well, 'tis a good plot, and has always
+been a good plot, and "twill serve, 'twill serve." But it is the
+BARING-GOULD flavouring that makes the dish acceptable to the jaded
+palate of oldest novel-devourer.
+
+  BARON DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD LUCK TO IT!
+
+(_To Mr. Caine and his Bill prohibiting advertisements in rural
+places._)
+
+  Oh, Mr. CAINE, for this relief much thanks.
+  As most benignant benefactor ranks
+  The man who saves our own sweet countryside--
+  At once our chiefest glory and our pride--
+  From all the many nauseating ills
+  Which come out of advertisements of pills!
+  Pills there must be, but when we chance to pass
+  Through meadows and would rest our eyes on grass,
+  Or pleasantly meander by the river,
+  We would forget we've even got a liver.
+  So here's success to you, Sir, in your Bill
+  To make it wrong to advertise a pill
+  In rural spots in which we fondly now
+  Associate "three acres and a cow!"
+  And when success this rural venture yields,
+  Do for the beaches what's done for the fields!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"INVISIBLE TROUSER STRETCHERS."--Legs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BABES ON THE TREASURY BENCH.
+
+(_With Mr. Punch's Thanks to Mr. Courtney for the Suggestion. Vide
+Times, Parliamentary Report, Wednesday, November 22._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TRANSMITTED."
+
+_Ignorant Bachelor Visitor._ "HULLO, THROGMORTON; WHAT THE DEUCE ARE
+YOUR TWINS UP TO WITH THAT CONTRIVANCE?"
+
+_Proud Father (of Throgmorton, Threadneedle & Co.; Telephone
+123456-1/4)._ "HA! THERE YOU ARE, MY BOY--MARVELLOUS EXAMPLE OF
+INHERITED BUSINESS INSTINCT! THEY'RE TRYING TO TELEPHONE TO EACH
+OTHER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BABES ON THE TREASURY BENCH.
+
+    ["The leader of the Opposition had treated them to good
+    logic, but why administer such strong meat to the babes on the
+    Treasury bench?"--_Mr. Courtney on the Parish Councils Bill._]
+
+  We have heard of the Babes in the Wood,
+    And the ruffians greedy and cruel,
+  Who (as INGOLDSBY said in gay mood)
+    Conspired for to "give them their gruel";
+  But pitiful bosoms will blench
+    At this vision of BALFOUR the sinister,
+  To Babes on the Treasury Bench
+    Presuming his dose to administer!
+  They find Doctor BALFOUR, one fears,
+    Worse than poor _Davy Copperfield's Creakle_;
+  As awful as grim _Mrs. Squeers_
+    With her jorum of brimstone and treacle.
+  Ah, COURTNEY, how _could_ you conceive
+    A picture so Mephistophelian?
+  Your buzzum is stone, I believe,
+    And your heart must be truly a steely 'un!
+  Sweet Babes! They seem likely to choke!
+    Poor GLADDY! Poor JOHNNIE! Poor WILLY!
+  ARTHUR'S "logic" is tougher than "toke,"
+    And much more insipid than "skilly."
+  Strong meat? How your irony _you_ barb,
+    Your humour's as grim as the gallows.
+  Your dose is as drastic as rhubarb,
+    And almost as bitter as aloes.
+  Logic? For Babes? On that Bench?
+    You're as hard as the Poles' "whiskered pandour."
+  You might as well set out to drench
+    Your own Opposition with--candour!
+  The Treasury Babes may object
+    To prescriptions from MILL or from WHEWELL,
+  And logical draughts, I expect,
+    Would very soon give _you_ your gruel.
+  If COURTNEY could physic himself,
+    Or BALFOUR and he dose each other,
+  How soon both would lay on the shelf
+    This prescription, and try quite another!
+  No; Reason, as party-strife goes,
+    As food is attractive to no men:
+  And Logic's a nauseous dose,
+    To be given--as physic--to foemen!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"What author was it," inquired Mrs. R. of a literary friend, "who
+wrote the line describing going to bed as '_that last infirmity of
+noble minds_'?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HARK! I HEAR THE SOUND OF COACHES."
+
+    ["There are still five of the road-coaches running out of
+    London."--_Daily News, Nov. 18._]
+
+  If drooping with toil, or aught else, I or
+  You may spring up with "Excelsior!"
+
+  As up to the box-seat one climbs,
+  "How pleasant," one murmurs, "'Old Times!'"
+
+  Times equally good, we'll engage,
+  Have others who go with "The Age."
+
+  Though outlooks to-morrow be livid,
+  Hold tight now a joy that is "Vivid."
+
+  "_Post equitem?_" Ah! his reliance,
+  At least, wasn't placed on "Defiance."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATHER FAMILIAR!--It was announced in the _Times_ that "Canon G. F.
+BROWNE will lecture at St. Paul's, in January," on "_The Christian
+Church before the coming of Augustus_." The Canon ought to have said
+"_Sir_ AUGUSTUS." Of course there is only one "AUGUSTUS," _i.e._ our
+"DRURIOLANUS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNDER THE ROSE.
+
+(_A Story in Scenes._)
+
+SCENE XVII.--_The Drawing-room at Hornbeam Lodge._ CURPHEW _and_
+ALTHEA _are standing at some distance from one another, in evident
+constraint_.
+
+_Curphew (sadly)._ It's only what I expected, and yet--tell me
+this--is it entirely because of--of what you saw at the Eldorado last
+Saturday?
+
+_Althea._ Ah, you _know_, then! but what does it matter now? I was
+mistaken--isn't that enough?
+
+_Curph._ Don't judge me by what you saw of WALTER WILDFIRE. I can do
+better things than that. I can make you forget _him_--forget that he
+ever existed, if only you will trust me!
+
+_Alth. (indignantly)._ Do you really suppose that he--that I--oh, it's
+_too_ insulting! And you will do no good by disparaging _him_. The man
+who could write those songs, and sing them like that----
+
+_Curph. (wincing)._ Don't! I know how they must have struck you. I
+would have prepared you, if I could. I _did_ try--that afternoon at
+the station, but I was interrupted. And now it's too late, and the
+harm's done. But at least you will never see WALTER WILDFIRE again!
+
+_Alth. (exasperated)._ Have I ever said that I _wanted_ to? Why will
+you persist in talking as if----? Once for all, I _can't_ care for
+you; whatever I may have thought once, I know now that I can have no
+sympathy with the sort of life you lead; the pleasures you are content
+with would not satisfy me; I should want more than you could ever give
+me. We should have nothing in common--nothing----There, _now_ do you
+understand?
+
+_Curph._ Yes, I think I do. I suppose it's natural, and yet--don't
+think too hardly of me if you can help it. I might have chosen a
+higher walk than I did, but at least I've kept out of the mire, and
+now at last I see my way to----But that wouldn't interest you. There,
+I had better say good-bye: you won't refuse to give me your hand at
+parting, will you?
+
+    [_As he takes her hand_, Mrs. TOOVEY _enters with_ CHARLES,
+    _and stands transfixed._
+
+_Mrs. Toovey._ ALTHEA, don't tell me I'm too late! You have not
+accepted that man?
+
+_Curph._ (_releasing_ ALTHEA'S _hand_). On the contrary, I have just
+had my dismissal, Mrs. TOOVEY; we were merely saying good-bye.
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Thank Heaven! But I knew I could trust _my_ daughter
+to detect instinctively the designing serpent in wolf's
+clothing--(_correcting herself angrily_)--the sheep in dove's plumage,
+I _should_ say.
+
+_Charles (sotto voce)._ Similes are cheap to-day!
+
+_Mrs. Toov. (more angrily still)._ Well, _I_ know what I mean, and so
+does he! (Mr. TOOVEY _enters_.) And how a person with Mr. CURPHEW'S
+antecedents could ever have the face to thrust himself into such a
+household as this----
+
+_Mr. Toov. (coming forward)._ CORNELIA, my love! Such language to our
+dear young friend! Surely, surely, there must be some sad mistake!
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ There has been indeed, Pa, and so you will say when you
+hear who and what he really is!
+
+_Curph._ Mr. TOOVEY has been quite aware of it for the last week, and
+was kind enough to say he saw no insuperable objection.
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Pa, is this true? You knew who Mr. CURPHEW was and never
+told me!
+
+_Mr Toov._ My dear, I've no more notion who he is, if he's not Mr.
+CURPHEW, than a babe un----
+
+_Curph._ But surely, Sir, you forget our conversation at Clapham
+Junction this day week? You certainly knew everything _then_. I
+thought your nephew had probably----
+
+_Charles._ I'd no idea of it myself till last Saturday, so it couldn't
+have been _me_!
+
+_Alth. (impatiently)._ No idea of _what_? Who _is_ Mr. CURPHEW, Papa?
+
+_Curph. (to her, in astonishment)._ But you know! surely you know?
+What else have we been talking about?
+
+_Mr. Toov. (helplessly)._ I think we might try to be a little more
+clear, all of us. I do indeed. I'm in a perfect fog myself.
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Then, Pa, let me inform you that you have been
+encouraging the acquaintance of a person who gains his living by
+singing ribald songs at music-halls under the name of WALTER WILDFIRE!
+
+_Alth. (to herself)._ WALTER WILDFIRE! Then it was----Oh, if I had
+known!
+
+_Mr. Toov._ A--a music-hall singer! He! Oh, dear, _dear_ me; _how_ one
+may be deceived in people!
+
+_Curph._ Really, Sir, this can hardly be news to you, when you allowed
+me to send you a box for the Eldorado for the express purpose of----
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Don't deny you were sent the box, Pa, because I know
+better. The question is--what you wanted one at all for?
+
+_Mr. Toov. (to himself)._ There's no occasion to say anything about
+those shares now! (_Aloud._) To be sure. I _was_ sent a ticket, my
+love; I could not help that, but (_drawing himself up_) it was not
+likely that I should compromise myself by visiting such a place, even
+from the best of motives, and I did not use the ticket myself, though
+I believe some other person did.
+
+_Mrs. Toov. (in some distress)._ Well, well, never mind that now, Pa.
+What _you_ have to do is to ask this Mr. WILDFIRE to oblige us all by
+walking out of this house--for ever.
+
+_Curph._ I should not have stayed so long as this, only I hoped that
+Mr. TOOVEY at least would have done me the justice---- However, I've
+nothing to keep me here any longer now.
+
+    [_He moves towards the door._
+
+_Alth. (coming forward and intercepting him)._ Yes, you have--you've
+_me_. Oh, do you think I'll let you go like this--now I _know_? Can't
+you understand what a difference it makes?
+
+    [_She clings to his arm._
+
+[Illustration: "Can't you understand what a difference it makes?"]
+
+_Charles._ Bravo, THEA! I always knew you were a sensible girl!
+
+_Curph. (utterly bewildered)._ Then you weren't--you don't----? I
+wonder if I can be awake!
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ ALTHEA, if you had the remotest conception of what a
+music-hall singer _is_, you would never----
+
+_Alth._ I know what Mr. CURPHEW is, Mamma. He is a great artist, a
+genius; he can hold a mixed crowd of careless people spell-bound
+while he sings, make them laugh, cry, shudder, just as he chooses,
+and whatever he does is all so natural and human and real, and--oh, I
+can't put it into proper words, but one goes away thinking better of
+the whole world after it--and to hear him treated as if he were some
+outcast--oh, I can't bear it!
+
+    [_She breaks down._
+
+_Curph. (to himself)._ I don't care what happens now. They can't take
+_this_ away!
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Upon my word! And pray where did you learn all this about
+Mr. WILDFIRE'S performances?
+
+_Alth. (boldly)._ Where, Mamma? Why, at the Eldorado, last Saturday
+evening.
+
+    [_Sudden collapse of_ Mrs. TOOVEY.
+
+_Mr. Toov. (electrified)._ A daughter of mine at the Eldorado! THEA,
+my child, you _can't_ know what you are talking about; look at the
+effect on your poor mother!
+
+_Alth. (desperately)._ But indeed, Papa, there was no harm in it, I
+went with the MERRIDEWS. And--and I may be mistaken, of course, but
+I--I thought I saw _Mamma_ there too!
+
+    [_Sensation._
+
+_Charles._ Oh, I say, THEA; aren't you coming it _rather_ strong? Aunt
+at the Eldorado! Why, Aunt thought _Uncle_ was there!
+
+_Mr. Toov._ CORNELIA, my love, don't pay any attention to her; the
+child must be stark staring mad to say such things. It's bad enough
+that _she_ should have gone; but to think of _you_ in such a scene!
+(_To_ ALTHEA.) Why, it was that very Saturday evening that your dear
+mother went to the Zenana Meeting at Mrs. CUMBERBATCH'S--yes, to be
+sure. (_To_ Mrs. T.) You remember, my dear, how you came home so
+late, in a cab the driver had been smoking in, and how the moment you
+entered the room I----
+
+_Mrs. Toov. (hastily)._ My dear THEOPHILUS, I remember the
+circumstances perfectly, but I should not condescend to answer so
+preposterous a charge; especially when it is my own daughter who
+brings it!
+
+_Alth._ (_in distress_). But indeed I don't Mamma. I only fancied
+it _might_ have been you, and of course, if you were at the
+CUMBERBATCHES----
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). I must put a stop to this once and for
+all. (_Aloud_.) _If_ I was at the CUMBERBATCHES! When your father
+has just _told_ you I was there--really, ALTHEA! Did I hear wheels
+outside? Just look, Pa. I haven't seen my spectacles since Saturday.
+
+_Mr. Toov._ (_at the window_). Why, really, my love, it does seem to
+be a carriage, indeed. I wonder who can be calling at such a----Now,
+it's quite a coincidence, truly--it's dear Mrs. CUMBERBATCH! I hope
+she'll come in, because I really think it's a duty to warn her against
+employing that particular cabman again. A driver who permits himself
+to smoke inside his own vehicle to that extent----
+
+    [Mrs. TOOVEY _makes ineffectual efforts to speak_.
+
+_Alth._ (_in a whisper, to_ CURPHEW). Do look at Mamma! You don't
+think she could really----?
+
+_Curph._ I don't know what to think yet; but we shall all know in a
+very few seconds now.
+
+    [_The hall-door is heard to open; Mrs. TOOVEY attempts to
+    rise, but has to remain in her seat, dumb and paralysed_.
+
+END OF SCENE XVII.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOBENGULA'S LETTER-BAG.
+
+(_Post-mark, Regent's Park_.)
+
+Shall be glad to engage you for the Gardens. You will be expected to
+look after the elephants and to make yourself generally useful with
+the lions and tigers. As the Christmas holidays are approaching,
+perhaps you might invent a little comic scene with the crocodiles. A
+similar feature was supplied years ago by the French sailor in charge
+of the seals with much effect. Of course we shall be glad if your
+knowledge of the idiosyncrasies of the ourang-outang enables you
+to suggest anything that could be worked up into a comic interlude.
+Please bear in mind that the Gardens want waking up, and you have
+a big opportunity. You would have Sunday off every other week. The
+Gardens would reserve to themselves the right of regulating your
+costume. Your boots and straw-hat may be ample in Africa, but in
+the Regent's Park would be considered inappropriate. We think we can
+clothe you in the very thing, if we can find a size large enough for
+you. It is called "the boy's home-for-the-holidays lounging suit," and
+is largely advertised. Shall expect you by next boat.
+
+(_Post-mark, Westminster_). Glad to engage you for a month certain,
+with power to increase the time to six weeks or longer. Could you
+bring with you a pugilistic hippopotamus? It must be a young one, as
+there is not much room for any side-shows. If you can jump, and don't
+mind water, so much the better. If you would leap from the
+organ-loft into a tank on to the stage, carrying on your back the
+boxing-kangaroo, the feat might be accepted, and prove a feature.
+Think this over on the journey to England. Perhaps something may
+occur to you. If so, mind that we are deeply respected, and are highly
+popular with the L. C. C. So please let your suggestions be as refined
+as possible.
+
+(_Post-mark, Paternoster Row_). Shall be glad to arrange with you for
+the immediate production of your Recollections. Would be glad if they
+were written in a bright, chatty style. You might give an account
+of your connection with literary celebrities, torturers, scientific
+expeditions, executions, sport in the far East, native war, and other
+topics of interest that may have come under your personal observation.
+If you could write up to some electros we have of a comic German
+Christmas party so much the better. As the success of the book is
+doubtful, we do not wish to incur unnecessary expense, and therefore
+would be glad if you could see your way to introducing the following
+blocks, of which we hold the copyright:--Covent Garden by Moonlight,
+A Spanish Bull Fight, An Execution in front of the Old Bailey, A
+Students' Ball in the Quartier Latin, H.R.H. opening a Newly-erected
+Board-School, Snipe Shooting on the Norfolk Broads, Christmas in
+a Storm at Sea, Hampstead Heath on Bank Holiday, Portrait of JOHN
+WESLEY, A Lecture on Chemistry at the Royal Polytechnic Institution,
+Exterior of the new Police Court at Bow Street, An Incident in the
+Lord Mayor's Show, "Oxford wins," VAN TROMP sailing up the Thames,
+Paris Fashions for February, Christmas Eve--the Last Omnibus, Hop
+Pickers on the March, The new Uniform of the Grenadier Guards, and the
+late Fire at the Borough Brewery. We shall be glad if you will put the
+book in hand at once, as it is scarcely necessary to say that the
+sale of a work of reminiscences depends to a large extent upon the
+popularity of its author at the moment of publication. Terms, after
+the sale of 5000 copies, one penny a volume royalty.
+
+(_Post-mark, Drury Lane._) Engage you at once for ten years. Probably
+shall not require you for more than three or four months, but shall
+retain you for the rest of the time. May come in useful later on.
+Place waiting for you in the Pantomime. Minute and a half in English
+History in twenty minutes. Also comic scene with the Clown. The
+engagement must have clause allowing transference. Can find places for
+your wives (if they are really nice ones) in the Transformation Scene.
+If you can imitate the cries &c., of wild beasts, &c., think I can get
+you a turn at the Palace. Writing a first-rate part for you in Autumn
+drama. A sort of gentlemanly demon, who appears in the West End during
+the first and third Acts, and in the last scene, appears in national
+costume with a real army and the whole bag of tricks. Bring as many of
+your army with you as you can. Can find something for them to do until
+the production of the Autumn drama. Collect a good lot of assegais and
+other useful props. May see way to working you into the Opera season.
+If you can sing, can give you a show at a concert. Might do for German
+series. Terms as per usual. Special arrangement if wanted at Windsor.
+Come over at once. On second thoughts, remain where you are. Will run
+over to have a chat. Third, and last thought, come over yourself. Find
+myself, with my engagements, just now a little pressed for time. _Au
+revoir!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NOVELTY.
+
+_Mr. Cylinder_ (_who always uses his Host's cartridges_). "WHAT POWDER
+ARE THESE LOADED WITH, MY BOY?"
+
+_Beater._ "AR DOAN'T RIGHTLY KNOW; BUT AR THINK THEY CALLS IT SERDLITZ
+POODER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Coal and Wood.
+
+    ["_That a Board of Conciliation be constituted forthwith, to
+    last for one year at least, consisting of an equal number
+    of coalowners and miners' representatives, fourteen of
+    each_."--_Terms of the Collieries Strike Conference._]
+
+  Hooray for happy harmony so readily restored!
+  Thanks chiefly to young ROSEBERY, that shrewd and genial lord.
+  And _Mr. Punch_ is thankful, for such strikes we can't afford,
+  That in the Labour _platform_ the newest _plank_'s a _Board_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ORNITHOLOGICAL OUTBURST.
+
+    ["A specimen of the rare white-tailed eagle has just been shot
+    at Bude Haven, Cornwall."--_Daily Paper, Nov. 24._]
+
+    Ah! shades of YARRELL, MORRIS, BEWICK, WOOD,
+  Swoop down from Nephelococcygian eyrie
+      With legions of bird-phantoms,
+      Roc-ghosts and spectral bantams,
+  And venge the Vandal sporting-man's vagary,
+    Wrought on your race in Cornwall's bay of Bude!
+
+    A _Haliaëtus_ he's done to death!
+  Haunt him and harry, ossifrage and osprey!
+      Hoot, owl! Croak havoc, raven!
+      He of that wave-beat haven
+  Should--like the Ancient, of the Albatross--pray
+      For tardy pardon till his latest breath!
+
+    Soon will the Sea-earn join the vanished band
+  Of Garefowl, Æpyornis, Dodo, Moa!
+      And e'en the merry mavis
+      Will rank as _rara avis_--
+  The sparrow, sole of all that sailed with NOAH,
+    Will learn the casual pot-shot to withstand!
+
+    Why surely, when rare birds are rarer made
+  By 'ARRY, or by 'ARRIET'S hat-adorner,
+      These gentry should be tethered
+      To posts, and tarred and feathered!
+  To see the balance thus redressed a mourner
+    Would _not_ be he who has these lines essayed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DISCUSSION ON WOMAN'S RIGHTS.
+
+"A--I'VE NO DOUBT YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT IN _THEORY_, LADY HYPATIA. BUT
+I'M AFRAID THAT IN PRACTICE THE WORLD AT LARGE WON'T AGREE WITH YOU."
+"WON'T IT? THEN IT OUGHTN'T TO _BE_ AT LARGE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO.
+
+(_Latest Parliamentary Version._)
+
+MR. H. FOWLER _sings_. (AIR--"_Daisy Bell._")
+
+  There's mazy misgiving upon my part,
+             Hazy, hazy,
+  Women, by WALTER M'LAREN'S art,
+             Muddle my "Mazy Bill."
+  Whether I love it or love it not,
+             Down I must gulp this pill.
+  She-suffrage complicates the plot,
+             Much, of my "Mazy Bill"!
+
+_Chorus_--
+
+      Mazy! Mazy!
+             She-Voter, sit up, do!
+      I'm half crazy,
+             All with the weight of _you_!
+      You will not be robbed by marriage
+      Of a ride on this bi-wheeled carriage.
+             You look so sweet
+             (So you think) on the seat
+      Of a Bicycle built for Two!
+
+  We must go "tandem," like man and wife!--
+             Aisy! Aisy!--
+  Am I not working away for life,
+             Driving my "Mazy Bill"?
+  Taking _you_ up, as an extra load,
+             Taxes my strength and skill.
+  Rough and up-hill is the country road,
+             Run by the "Mazy Bill."
+
+_Chorus_--
+
+      Lazy! Lazy!--
+             Spin like a "Scorcher"--_do_!
+      I'm half crazy
+             With the dead weight of you!
+      Spinster or bound in marriage,
+      You claim gratuitous carriage;
+             But--use your feet
+             If you _must_ have a seat,
+      On this Bicycle built for Two!
+
+  I must stand by you? Oh yes, _I_ know!
+             _They_ see, _they_ see,--
+  M'LAREN and STANSFELD, JESSE and JOE,--
+             I'm bound to my "Mazy Bill."
+  You'll take the lead, if I don't mistake.
+             Then, if you work your will,
+  Who will there be to put on the brake,
+             Working my "Mazy Bill"?
+
+_Chorus_--
+
+      Hazy! Hazy!
+             Such is the country view!
+      Squires half crazy,
+             All for sheer dread of you!
+      Maidens or marred by marriage,
+      Your sex means claiming their carriage;
+             But, I feel dead beat
+             With your weight on the seat
+      Of this Bicycle--built for Two!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CONVERSATION BOOK FOR CANDIDATES.
+
+(_When the Ladies have the Franchise._)
+
+_Voter._ Are you sure you are quite steady?
+
+_Candidate._ Quite. And I am prepared to give the best time of my life
+to the consideration of the most important----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. But do you think that a carriage is
+necessary for a wife?
+
+_C._ Certainly, and it would be a grievance if she had not one. By a
+development of the trade of the country I believe that----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. And I suppose you admit the equality of
+the sexes?
+
+_C._ Undoubtedly, considering that the highest places in the
+university class lists are carried off by----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. And I suppose you, if elected, will
+have a fortune sufficiently ample to afford a house in Eaton Square,
+a place in the country, a yacht in the Solent, a box at the opera, and
+all the other necessary etceteras?
+
+_C._ Most probably. I hold it to be the duty of every legislator to
+see that his wealth is sufficient to enable him to give his individual
+time to the service of his constituents, and----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. I presume, if you married, you would
+like your wife's mother to occasionally visit her daughter?
+
+_C._ Theoretically, yes. Judging for others, I would say that no
+subject of greater interest than happy domestic arrangement could be
+imagined. I would insist that the well-being of the family circle is
+of paramount importance, and that----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. And now for my last question. If you are
+elected will you be prepared to marry my eldest daughter?
+
+_C._ That is a matter of great moment which requires the most careful
+consideration. Without absolutely pledging myself to any course of
+action, I may declare that----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. And now I will examine your opponent!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PALINODE.
+
+    ["In my old Radical days."--_Mr. Chamberlain._]
+
+  Yes, I once was a smart little Rad
+    Who talked about "lilies" and "ransom."
+  Those views, which were shallow and mad,
+    I retract, in a manner most handsome.
+  Eh? "Skeletons," "Armchairs"? Oh no!
+    I hold they are traitors or sillies,
+  Who talk (like the juvenile JOE)
+    About skeletons, ransom, and lilies!
+        Ri fol de rol liddle lol dol!
+
+  I _might_ be indulging to-day
+    In the rampant and rancorous Rad's tone,
+  Swearing "lilies" full "ransom" must pay,
+    If it hadn't a-been for that GLADSTONE!
+  _He_ serves as a warning to _me_,
+    A sort of political helot;
+  But, thanks to old W. G.,
+    I'm no longer a radical zealot!
+        Ri fol de rol liddle lol dol!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO."
+
+["If he (Mr. FOWLER) understood the decision of the House correctly on
+this subject, it was this--that the disqualification of married women
+should cease, that was to say, where a woman was otherwise qualified,
+and was on an existing register, and, as such, entitled to vote, she
+should not be disqualified by reason of being a married woman.... It
+was a decision which the Government would endeavour to carry out....
+He should propose to insert a new clause removing the disqualification
+of married women altogether."--_Mr. H. Fowler in the Debate on the
+Parish Councils Bill_.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT'S PUZZEL.
+
+I've had a Puzzel put into my hands by a heminent Common Councilman
+which has puzzeld me orfully, but which he says is as plane as the
+hobjects of a County Counsellor. It is as follows:--
+
+  "Amalgamation is Wexation,
+    Unefecation is as Bad,
+  The Royal Commission puzzels me,
+    And their practises drives me Mad!"
+
+In course the hole thing is a Commondrum to a pore Waiter like me; but
+my frend tells me that it all means, that as the City Copperation is
+the popularest body in all the hole Country, and the London County
+Counsel about the most unpopularest, as they are allers a hinterfering
+unnessasarily with the comforts and amusements of some class or other
+of the peeple, they acshally has the hordasity to propose that the
+grand old Copperation shoud be abolished altogether, and ancient
+Gildhall and the honored Manshun House, with all their sacred
+contents, handed over to the County Counsellors! and that in future
+there shoud be no reel City of London, but that all the hole place,
+with its five millions of peeple, shoud be muddled up together, and
+put under the loving care of the London County Counsel!
+
+Well, I do happen to have a pretty large acquaintance one way and
+another, and I wentures to say, most truthfully, that I haven't come
+across one singel one on 'em but what has ether amost bust hisself
+with larfter, or amost screamed hisself hoarse with hindignation, when
+I have told him my almost unposserbel tail!
+
+I did wenture to ask the Common Councilman, the other day, whether he
+reelly thort as there was any possibility of such a hideous skeme a
+being carried out, when we all knowd what a splendid caracter the
+old Copperation had borne for ages past for Generossity, for
+Horsepitallerty, and for Eddication. His arnser was, "My dear ROBERT,
+we lives in sitch rum times that one hesitates to say that any
+habsurdity is impossible, but the great trust of all of us is, that
+should things get to the werry worst, and ewen the House of Commons
+throw us over--tho I have heard their great Leader himself declare, in
+Gildhall itself, that the history of the City Copperation reflected an
+amount of credit upon those who had governed it for generations that
+it would be differcult to surpass--the same nobel and hindependent
+Body as only a few munse ago saved the country from disruption, and
+thereby raised themselves greatly in the estimation of all thinking
+men, would again step forward and save the grate Capital from such a
+ridickulus, and contemtible, and silly absurditty as was never equaled
+in the history of the world!"
+
+Ah, well, these was nice comforting words for me to hear, and sent me
+about my ofishal dooties with quite renewed wiggour, and when shortly
+afterwards I wentured to repeat them to one of the most importantest
+of our gests, he turned round and acshally shook my hand, and
+exclaimed, "Ah, my good ROBERT, we may trust to them, for many and
+many a time have I heard some of our gratest men exclaim, 'Thank God
+we have a House of Lords!'"
+
+  ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF THE "MAXIMS" OF CIVILISATION!
+
+[Illustration: OLD AND NEW.
+
+"Think of the glorious Mottoes," said a Major of the old school.
+"'_Nil Desperandum_,' 'Death or Victory,' 'England Expects,' and so
+forth!" Replied his friend, the modern Captain, "Bother your Mottoes!
+Give us the 'Maxims'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Flibbertigibbet."
+
+  The fiend that now urges to--pen flippant novels
+    Is modern _Poor Tom's_ modish _Modo_,[*]
+  The work that in cynical worldliness grovels
+    Will soon be extinct as the Dodo!
+
+[Footnote *: See _King Lear_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HISTORY (NEARLY) REPEATS ITSELF."
+
+(_A Peep into the Future._)
+
+There was a general strike. The playing fields were deserted, and
+trade was at a standstill. Not a cricket-ball or a foot-ball had
+been made for months, and the lawn-tennis industry was paralyzed. The
+papers of the day urged the Government to intervene. "After all, it
+was only a matter of figures. Surely a compromise might be reached.
+If players would only meet payers, all would be well." So a Cabinet
+Council was held, and the most popular Member of the Ministry was
+selected as arbitrator. The name was well-received by both sides, and
+all seemed _en train_ for a satisfactory settlement.
+
+"We must have a proper salary," said a representative of the foot-ball
+profession: "if we don't, we shall have to give it up, and take to
+soldiering, doctoring, brief-accepting, and the rest of it."
+
+There was a murmur of disapproval at this suggestion. Was foot-ball
+to perish because its professors could not get a "living wage"? No, a
+thousand times no!
+
+Then the Minister suggested that he had better hear the complaints of
+the men, the women, and the children. So the cricketers, the golfers,
+the polo-players, and the lovers of lawn-tennis spoke at length.
+
+"And what may you want young lady?" asked the arbitrator, with a
+smile.
+
+"I must be paid for taking my doll for a walk," replied a small girl
+of six or seven. "I have to keep the toy perambulator in repair, and
+when Rose falls on her nose, I have to get her face replaced. How am
+I to bear these expenses if I receive nothing? It is impossible,
+unreasonable!"
+
+"And I, too," cried a schoolboy. "How can I trundle my hoop or play at
+marbles if I am not allowed something for my time?"
+
+And there were other complaints. Everyone wanted a wage, and the cries
+for salaries waxed louder and louder.
+
+Then the Minister asked for a few minutes' grace, and began writing.
+After he had finished his despatch, he put it in an envelope, and
+requested someone to read it when he had taken his departure. Then he
+went away.
+
+"Dear me!" said the person to whom the despatch had been entrusted.
+"This is highly unsatisfactory. I find the arbitrator has resigned
+without making an award, and has left the matter in the hands of Lord
+ROSEBERY."
+
+Then there was a cry of sorrow. For it was known that as Lord ROSEBERY
+had had quite enough of conflicts between capital and labour, he would
+certainly refuse to be dragged into another quarrel.
+
+So the war went on between players and payers, and "Merrie England"
+became a byword of reproach in the comity of nations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Popular Idea of the Costume of a Member of the Bar on
+"Grand Day."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MATURE CHARMS.
+
+  MAIDEN slim and fair, with the golden hair,
+    So eager to snare with the knowing glance
+  Of your eyes so bright, and to waltz all night
+    With that step so light in the mazy dance,
+
+  Years ago, I swear, we once met somewhere;
+    We danced--you take care to forget that ball--
+  And my arm embraced that wasp's whalebone waist,
+    So cruelly laced, so absurdly small!
+
+  But then I declare you had nut-brown hair,
+    The colour's still there just down at the roots;
+  You are "fancy free," full of girlish glee,
+    But you're forty-three I would bet my boots.
+
+  Your beauty is rare, but I am aware
+    That face you prepare, that vile waist you buy,
+  Which corsets to civilised women give,
+    And hairdressers live so that you may dye.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO POLITE!!
+
+_Slim nervous Gent_ (_pulling up at a regular facer_). "HOLD HARD, YOU
+BRUTE! 'LADIES FIRST!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BALLAD.
+
+  I wish I could write romantic rot,
+    Like the beautiful songs they sing
+  At Ballad Concerts; why should I not
+    Attempt such a simple thing?
+  This metre's just right. Here goes!--The moon
+    Shone sad o'er the silvered waves,
+  The nightingale trilled 'neath that night of June,
+    Where the river the primrose laves.
+
+  (That's good, though hazy the sense may seem,
+    No primrose would bloom at the time;
+  The river "laves" it, not it the stream;
+    "Moon" and "June" makes a clumsy rhyme.)
+  Upon the terrace a maiden fair
+    Was gazing the waters o'er,
+  And dreaming of vows of love she ne'er
+    Would hear, as in days of yore.
+
+  ("Days of yore," that's fine.) And her soft, sad eyes
+    Looked up at the starry night,
+  She kissed a fair ruby ring, with sighs,
+    Which shone on her fingers white.
+  (You put the words as it suits you best;
+    The adjective need not be
+  Before the noun.) On her heaving breast
+    A red, red rose you could see.
+
+  (That is if you had been there.) She wept;
+    To-night must her lover go.
+  The rose was awake, though the pimpernel slept.
+    (Bagged from TENNYSON, don't you know?)
+  The silent stream whispered scarce a sign,
+    Ere it swept past the willows grey.
+  (The sense is vague, though the sound is fine;
+    What it means even I can't say.)
+
+  Alas! alas! red, red rose, bright ring!
+    Red rose, cherished ring, alas!
+  (Such bosh sounds beautiful when you sing.)
+    A hush lay over the grass.
+  (I'm hanged if I know what a "hush" may be.
+    It's something pathetic, sublime.)
+  The nightingale warbled upon the tree.
+    O rose-scented summertime!
+
+  He came, and pressed to his manly heart
+    The maid 'neath the pale moonbeams
+  (Don't mind if accents are wrong); they part!
+    In (excellent rhyme) her dreams
+  The joy of that passionate farewell kiss
+    To the silent tomb she bore.
+  (I could easily write you a mile of this,
+    But you probably want no more.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LA FIN DU SEA-AIGLE(!!)."--The _Standard_ informs us that--
+
+    "A specimen of the white-tailed, or sea eagle, has just been
+    shot at Bude Haven, Cornwall. The bird weighed nearly eight
+    pounds, and the extended wings measure between seven and eight
+    feet from tip to tip."
+
+Now, "next please," and let us have the "Very last of the Sea
+Serpent!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday Night, November 20._--Rumour current
+to-night that Ballykilbeg is in the market. Ballykilbeg is the
+manorial seat of one of the most ancient and honourable Irish
+families, long settled in County Down. The O'HNSTONS were in the train
+of BORRHOIMI when he first essayed, and succeeded in, the difficult
+task of forming a United Ireland. JAKE O'HNSTON is a name that lingers
+lovingly in tradition of Youngest Ireland. Gradually, being always on
+the people's lips, it began to take a new form. J. O'HNSTON naturally
+became JOHNSTON; but Ballykilbeg was always there. To-day House of
+Commons contains no more esteemed Member than he who is known as
+JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg. A man of war breathing battle, ever ready
+to take his place amongst the corpses in the last ditch, JOHNSTON of
+Ballykilbeg off the platform in Ulster, or off his legs in House of
+Commons, is the mildest-mannered man that ever proposed to broil a
+brother for conscience' sake.
+
+Quite a sensation at prospect of dissevering JOHNSTON from
+Ballykilbeg. Glad to hear there's nothing, or little, in it.
+Arises out of circumstance that JOHNSTON has approached Mr. G. with
+suggestion that Treasury shall purchase an estate in Ireland, and
+there plant out the Duke of YORK. If the Duke, making a survey of
+Ireland, should find no more attractive place than Ballykilbeg,
+the descendant of the O'HNSTONS is not the man to allow personal
+predilections or old associations to stand in the way of gratification
+of Royal desire. It might come to pass that the Crowned Heads of
+Europe would welcome at their courts YORK of Ballykilbeg, whilst the
+last of the O'HNSTONS would be content to house his loyal head under
+alien roof. That, however, not a prospect in view when he moved in the
+matter. There is surely room between the seas that circle Ireland for
+the Duke of YORK and JOHNSTON still at Ballykilbeg.
+
+[Illustration: Johnson of Ballykilbeg escorting the Duke of York.]
+
+_Business done._--Clause I. added to Parish Councils Bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS.--No. 5. HUNTING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Tuesday_.--Parish Councils on again. That was order of day, but human
+ingenuity dragged in other matters. First Woman's Suffrage, on which
+there was livelier debate than has yet arisen in Committee on this
+Bill. Last Thursday WALTER M'LAREN raised question in form of
+an Instruction. Government resisting were beaten, the Opposition
+coalescing with revolting Radicals. Now, as SQUIRE OF MALWOOD puts
+it, the Government, kissing the rod, accept injunction; undertake to
+embody M'LAREN'S Amendment in Bill. Pretty to see air of doubt and
+hesitation that hereupon comes over ingenuous faces on Opposition
+benches. If HENRY FOWLER had put his back up, declared that Woman
+delighted him not, nor WALTER M'LAREN either, Opposition would again
+have joined forces with Radicals, and Government would once more have
+suffered defeat. Since they resolved to obey Instruction carried by
+majority last Thursday, PRINCE ARTHUR shakes his head; EDWARD STANHOPE
+shows this is quite another pair of sleeves; whilst JOSEPH, back
+bronzed from breezy Bahamas, bluntly says he will oppose new Clause
+HENRY FOWLER has promised to bring in.
+
+"It is the duty of an Opposition to oppose," says PRINCE ARTHUR; "and
+I did not for several Sessions sit at feet of OLD MORALITY without
+being impressed with imperative sense of duty."
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Courtney explains the Puzzle.]
+
+Later, when this difficulty temporarily out of way and it seemed
+progress with Clause might be made. Proportional Representation was
+dragged in neck and crop. COURTNEY took charge of the puzzle business,
+and tried to explain it. No prizes offered, and attention a little
+slack. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD defined the theory in admirable phrase. "It
+is," he said, "an ingenious system by which a man is to vote for
+a person he does not prefer in order to secure a majority for some
+purpose he does not understand." Can't better that; leaves nothing
+else to say. Nevertheless, much was said; talked by the hour; finally
+a division, in which Government majority, rarely falling below three
+score and ten, stood at 72.
+
+_Business done._--Something of the debating society order.
+
+_Thursday night._--Things coming to a pretty pass if TOMLINSON is not
+to offer a few observations on third reading of Employers' Liability
+Bill without an arrogant Minister moving the Closure. Apart from
+consideration of individual liberty and freedom of speech, House would
+have suffered special disappointment if SPEAKER had accepted ASQUITH'S
+suggestion and submitted question of Closure. Finding TOMLINSON on
+his feet at this juncture it naturally thought he had, in interval,
+discovered what his amendments moved last week in Committee on Bill
+meant, and was seizing this opportunity of explaining them. He didn't;
+but that was all ASQUITH'S fault. Enough to cow any man rising at
+ten minutes to twelve and having pistol held to his head in shape of
+motion for the Closure.
+
+Just at the time when TOMLINSON was coming to his explanation, hand of
+clock touched five minutes to twelve. He might still have used up
+at least four minutes; being flurried, he sat down; and now we shall
+never know what his amendments were designed to accomplish. Happily
+there was time left for MATTHEWS to soundly rate ASQUITH for his
+attempt to Closure TOMLINSON. Right hon. gentleman could scarcely
+control his tongue in the emotion under which he laboured, in
+contemplation of the attempted outrage. It would have been bad enough
+with an ordinary member. That the weighty and sententious speech of so
+eminent a statesman as the Member for Preston should have been broken
+in upon by a motion for the Closure only showed, in the ex-Home
+Secretary's opinion, how bad was the case of the Government, how
+reckless the tactics to which desperation drove them. A beautiful
+speech; almost, as TOMLINSON says, worth being snubbed by ASQUITH in
+order to elicit this eloquent testimony to modest merit.
+
+_Business done._--Employers' Liability Bill read a third time.
+
+_Friday Night._--Great advantage of habit of foreign travel ingrained
+with Members of Commons is that when erudite question comes up sure
+to be someone present who can illustrate its bearings from experience
+gained in more or less remote portions of the planet. Just now HENRY
+FOWLER moved provision in Parish Councils Bill, making it possible for
+Lovely Woman, whether married or single, to stoop to folly of being
+elected on Parish Council Board. Up jumps HORACE PLUNKETT with some
+charming reminiscences brightly told of residence in the State of
+Wyoming. In that happy land women enjoy equal political and municipal
+privileges with their brother men.
+
+"I was," said PLUNKETT, "well acquainted with a female Justice of the
+Peace. She discharged her duties, and, when necessary, a revolver."
+
+Another of PLUNKETT'S lady friends in far-off Wyoming had her domestic
+duties broken in upon by summons to attend a jury. Case proved
+protracted; husband had to stay at home and mind the baby, whilst she
+was locked up all-night with eleven good men and true.
+
+After hearing this, Committee unanimously, without division being
+challenged, agreed to FOWLER'S Amendment.
+
+_Business done._--On Clause III. Parish Council Bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE IN LONDON.
+
+  BUY no more, Ladies; buy no more;
+    Shops were deceivers ever:
+  One price in season, one before,
+    And reasonable never.
+      Then buy not so,
+      But let them go,
+    And be you blithe and bonny,
+  Converting "_Robes, modes, et manteaux_"
+    Into--"_Pas, si je connais_!"
+
+  Bring no more bargains--sales are low,
+    And bills are dull and heavy;
+  (The shopmen drew their longest bow
+    For Summer's rout and _levée_.)
+      Then buy not so,
+      But let them "show"
+    And be you shrewd and bonny,
+  Converting all their "_Tout ce qu'il faut_"
+    Into--"_Pas, si je connais_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TEARS, IDLE TEARS!"
+
+  PUNCH'S picture, "When the Cat's Away!"
+  Seems to have effect! The brutal "play"
+  Of young ruffians, in at least two cases,
+  Whipping has rewarded. What long faces
+  TROTTER pulls! With his mild creed it clashes.
+  Sentiment's eyes are wet--about the _lashes_!
+  Howling brutes make mollycoddles snivel.
+  Let the ruffians rail, their champions drivel.
+  Brutalising to chastise brutality?
+  'Tis the merest blind sentimentality.
+  Feeble men and helpless women save
+  From the roughs, and let the weepers rave!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari,
+December 2, 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 2, 1893 ***
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+  .poem2 p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem2 p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem2 p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+  .poem2 p.i12          {margin-left: 6em;}
+  .poem2 p.i14          {margin-left: 7em;}
+  .poem2 p.i16          {margin-left: 8em;}
+  .poem2 p.i18          {margin-left: 9em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+  .figright            {float: right;}
+  .figleft             {float: left;}
+
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, December 2,
+1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, December 2, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: April 22, 2012 [EBook #39505]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 2, 1893 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+book was created from images of public domain material
+made available by the University of Toronto Libraries
+(http://link.library.utoronto.ca/booksonline/).)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page253" id="page253"></a>[pg 253]</span>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1>
+
+<h2>Volume 105, December 2, 1893.</h2>
+
+<h4><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h4>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>TO A LADY.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>Whose "Fringe" has fallen off at a Ball.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Alas! those waving curls,</p>
+<p class="i2">That parting on your brow,</p>
+<p>Had been some other girl's!</p>
+<p class="i2">"Vhere ish dot barting now?"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Like <span class="sc">Breitmann's</span> barty gone</p>
+<p class="i2">Avay in <i>ewigkeit</i>,</p>
+<p>Those curls which you put on</p>
+<p class="i2">To grace the ball to-night.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Too feeble were the pins,</p>
+<p class="i2">Too frisky were your hops;</p>
+<p>Derisive are the grins,</p>
+<p class="i2">Departing parting drops.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A parting, this, that shocks</p>
+<p class="i2">Beholders evermore;</p>
+<p>You dare not claim those locks</p>
+<p class="i2">Now lying on the floor.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I used to think them fair,</p>
+<p class="i2">I find them false instead;</p>
+<p>If thus you lose your hair,</p>
+<p class="i2">I shall not lose my head.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Nor certainly my heart&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">With that I should not care</p>
+<p>So readily to part</p>
+<p class="i2">As you with purchased hair.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We kick those curls aside.</p>
+<p class="i2">Your looks and locks have fled,</p>
+<p>Then hasten home to hide</p>
+<p class="i2">Your much diminished head.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Don Pedro d'Alcantara le
+Comte d'Eu</span> is eighteen. He
+is pursuing his studies at a
+Military Academy, speaks German
+fairly well, and in his
+leisure hours is, we are informed,
+"studying Polish."
+The latter being acquired, he
+will become a most polish'd
+Prince. He is so very well off
+that he will not have to go to
+Brazil for a crown.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 360px;"><a href="images/253-800.png"><img src="images/253-360.png" width="360" height="509" alt="DOMESTIC THRIFT." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">DOMESTIC THRIFT.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Entrance-hall at the Browns, after one of their Parties.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>the last to depart, as usual</i>). "<span class="sc">What a delicious Drink,
+Waiter! What <i>is</i> it!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Waiter.</i> "<span class="sc">The Leavings, Sir!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 class="sans">PRINCE ALEXANDER OF BATTENBERG.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem1">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Europe's Prince Charming, lion-like, born to dare,</p>
+<p>Betrayed by the black treacherous Northern Bear!</p>
+<p>Soldier successful vainly, patriot foiled,</p>
+<p>Wooer discomfited, and hero spoiled!</p>
+<p>Triumphant champion of Slivnitza's field,</p>
+<p>To sordid treachery yet doomed to yield;</p>
+<p>Of gallant heart and high-enduring strain,</p>
+<p>Valiant resultlessly, victor in vain!</p>
+<p>Motley career of mingled shine and shame,</p>
+<p>Material fashioned for romantic fame!</p>
+<p>An age more chivalrous you should have seen,</p>
+<p>When brutal brokers, and when bagmen keen,</p>
+<p>Shamed not the sword and blunted not the lance.</p>
+<p>Then had you been true Hero of Romance.</p>
+<p>Now, when to Mammon Mars must bow his crest,</p>
+<p>King-errantry seems a Quixotic quest,</p>
+<p>And "unfulfilled renown" finds only&mdash;early rest!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A VALETUDINARIAN'S VISDOM.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Evening red and morning grey</p>
+<p>Makes <i>me</i> by the fireside stay.</p>
+<p>Evening grey and morning red</p>
+<p>Finds <i>me</i> tucked up all day in bed!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Curious but True.</span>&mdash;So particular
+are the Worshipful
+Company of Fishmongers to
+have everything in order, that
+they have this year elected as
+Prime Warden a fine <span class="sc">Salmon</span>
+(<span class="sc">Robert H.</span>).</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p>"With the New Year," says a Baronite, "there is a great
+desire to turn over a new leaf." Such intentions are easily satisfied
+by the <i>Back-Loop Pocket Diaries</i>, where leaves for this purpose
+are plentifully supplied by <span class="sc">John Walker &amp; Co</span>. Likewise <span class="sc">De La
+Rue &amp; Co.</span> offer Diaries and Memorandum Books in every size and
+form, and this year they have a patent clip to keep the leaf down.
+Ought to be advertised as "clipping!"</p>
+
+<p>The Baron's Baronites look into a box of Christmas books and find,
+first&mdash;<i>Westward with Columbus</i>. By <span class="sc">Gordon Stables</span>, M.D.C.M.
+Graphic account. "<span class="sc">Stables</span> must have been in excellent form
+when writing this," observes a Baronite; "evidently he was not
+Livery Stables."&mdash;<i>Wreck of the Golden Fleece.</i> By <span class="sc">Robert
+Leighton</span>. A capital sea story, plenty of rocks and wrecks,
+hardships and plague-ships, and all sorts of wonderful adventures.&mdash;<i>The
+White Conquerors of Mexico</i>, by <span class="sc">Kirk Munroe</span>, tells how
+<span class="sc">Cortes</span> and his Spaniards, being white, did <span class="sc">Montezuma</span> and his
+Aztic natives brown.&mdash;<i>With the Sea Kings.</i> <span class="sc">F. H. Winder.</span> The
+youthful amateur salt will find everything here to satisfy all his
+cravings and <i>See-kings</i>. "<i>Winder</i> has taken great <i>panes</i> with
+this," says Baronitess.</p>
+
+<p>"My clients," quoth the Baron, "will do well to read <span class="sc">Baring-Gould's</span>
+cheap <i>Jack Zita</i>." Fascinating book by reason of its
+picturesque effects and its description of life in the Fens at the
+commencement of the present century. "I wonder," muses the
+Baron, "whether any of my readers, being Cantabs, will call to mind
+how some thirty-five years ago the names of those eminent amateur
+pugilists <span class="sc">J-ck Sh-ff-ld</span>, <span class="sc">F-rg-ss-n D-v-e</span>, <span class="sc">L-nn-x
+C-nn-ngh-m</span>, and others were associated with life in the Fens as it existed at that
+time, and how these pupils of <span class="sc">Nat Langham's</span> now and again
+disputed the championship of a certain Fen Tavern, won it, and
+for a time held it? Some undergraduates were hand and glove
+with the Fenners&mdash;not the cricket-ground, so styled, but the
+dwellers in Fen-land; and on occasion they were hand to hand without
+the 'glove.'" Why this question? "Because," says the Baron,
+"one of the scenes so graphically described in the chapter, headed
+'Burnt Hats,' might have been witnessed at the time I have
+referred to by any undergraduate sufficiently venturesome to accompany
+those fisticuffers." As for the plot, well, 'tis a good plot, and
+has always been a good plot, and "twill serve, 'twill serve." But
+it is the <span class="sc">Baring-Gould</span> flavouring that makes the dish acceptable to
+the jaded palate of oldest novel-devourer.</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Baron de B.-W.</span></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>GOOD LUCK TO IT!</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>To Mr. Caine and his Bill prohibiting advertisements in rural places.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem1">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, Mr. <span class="sc">Caine</span>, for this relief much thanks.</p>
+<p>As most benignant benefactor ranks</p>
+<p>The man who saves our own sweet countryside&mdash;</p>
+<p>At once our chiefest glory and our pride&mdash;</p>
+<p>From all the many nauseating ills</p>
+<p>Which come out of advertisements of pills!</p>
+<p>Pills there must be, but when we chance to pass</p>
+<p>Through meadows and would rest our eyes on grass,</p>
+<p>Or pleasantly meander by the river,</p>
+<p>We would forget we've even got a liver.</p>
+<p>So here's success to you, Sir, in your Bill</p>
+<p>To make it wrong to advertise a pill</p>
+<p>In rural spots in which we fondly now</p>
+<p>Associate "three acres and a cow!"</p>
+<p>And when success this rural venture yields,</p>
+<p>Do for the beaches what's done for the fields!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h4>"<span class="sc">Invisible Trouser Stretchers.</span>"&mdash;Legs.</h4>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page254" id="page254"></a>[pg 254]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/254-1500.png"><img src="images/254-600.png" width="600" height="444" alt="THE BABES ON THE TREASURY BENCH." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">THE BABES ON THE TREASURY BENCH.</h3>
+
+<p>(<i>With Mr. Punch's Thanks to Mr. Courtney for the Suggestion. Vide Times,
+Parliamentary Report, Wednesday, November 22.</i>)</p></div>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page255" id="page255"></a>[pg 255]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/255-1500.png"><img src="images/255-600.png" width="600" height="475" alt="'TRANSMITTED.'" /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">"TRANSMITTED."</h3>
+
+<p><i>Ignorant Bachelor Visitor.</i> "<span class="sc">Hullo, Throgmorton; what the deuce are
+your Twins up to with that Contrivance?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Proud Father (of Throgmorton, Threadneedle &amp; Co.; Telephone 123456-1/4).</i>
+"<span class="sc">Ha! There you are, my Boy&mdash;marvellous example
+of inherited business instinct! They're trying to Telephone to each
+other!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">THE BABES ON THE TREASURY BENCH.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+["The leader of the Opposition had treated them
+to good logic, but why administer such strong
+meat to the babes on the Treasury bench?"&mdash;<i>Mr.
+Courtney on the Parish Councils Bill.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem1">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>We have heard of the Babes in the Wood,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the ruffians greedy and cruel,</p>
+<p>Who (as <span class="sc">Ingoldsby</span> said in gay mood)</p>
+<p class="i2">Conspired for to "give them their gruel";</p>
+<p>But pitiful bosoms will blench</p>
+<p class="i2">At this vision of <span class="sc">Balfour</span> the sinister,</p>
+<p>To Babes on the Treasury Bench</p>
+<p class="i2">Presuming his dose to administer!</p>
+<p>They find Doctor <span class="sc">Balfour</span>, one fears,</p>
+<p class="i2">Worse than poor <i>Davy Copperfield's Creakle</i>;</p>
+<p>As awful as grim <i>Mrs. Squeers</i></p>
+<p class="i2">With her jorum of brimstone and treacle.</p>
+<p>Ah, <span class="sc">Courtney</span>, how <i>could</i> you conceive</p>
+<p class="i2">A picture so Mephistophelian?</p>
+<p>Your buzzum is stone, I believe,</p>
+<p class="i2">And your heart must be truly a steely 'un!</p>
+<p>Sweet Babes! They seem likely to choke!</p>
+<p class="i2">Poor <span class="sc">Gladdy</span>! Poor <span class="sc">Johnnie</span>! Poor <span class="sc">Willy</span>!</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Arthur's</span> "logic" is tougher than "toke,"</p>
+<p class="i2">And much more insipid than "skilly."</p>
+<p>Strong meat? How your irony <i>you</i> barb,</p>
+<p class="i2">Your humour's as grim as the gallows.</p>
+<p>Your dose is as drastic as rhubarb,</p>
+<p class="i2">And almost as bitter as aloes.</p>
+<p>Logic? For Babes? On that Bench?</p>
+<p class="i2">You're as hard as the Poles' "whiskered pandour."</p>
+<p>You might as well set out to drench</p>
+<p class="i2">Your own Opposition with&mdash;candour!</p>
+<p>The Treasury Babes may object</p>
+<p class="i2">To prescriptions from <span class="sc">Mill</span> or from <span class="sc">Whewell</span>,</p>
+<p>And logical draughts, I expect,</p>
+<p class="i2">Would very soon give <i>you</i> your gruel.</p>
+<p>If <span class="sc">Courtney</span> could physic himself,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or <span class="sc">Balfour</span> and he dose each other,</p>
+<p>How soon both would lay on the shelf</p>
+<p class="i2">This prescription, and try quite another!</p>
+<p>No; Reason, as party-strife goes,</p>
+<p class="i2">As food is attractive to no men:</p>
+<p>And Logic's a nauseous dose,</p>
+<p class="i2">To be given&mdash;as physic&mdash;to foemen!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1">"What author was it," inquired Mrs. R.
+of a literary friend, "who wrote the line
+describing going to bed as '<i>that last infirmity
+of noble minds</i>'?"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>"HARK! I HEAR THE SOUND OF COACHES."</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">
+["There are still five of the road-coaches running
+out of London."&mdash;<i>Daily News, Nov. 18.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>If drooping with toil, or aught else, I or</p>
+<p>You may spring up with "Excelsior!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>As up to the box-seat one climbs,</p>
+<p>"How pleasant," one murmurs, "'Old Times!'"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Times equally good, we'll engage,</p>
+<p>Have others who go with "The Age."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Though outlooks to-morrow be livid,</p>
+<p>Hold tight now a joy that is "Vivid."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"<i>Post equitem?</i>" Ah! his reliance,</p>
+<p>At least, wasn't placed on "Defiance."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Rather Familiar!</span>&mdash;It was announced in
+the <i>Times</i> that "Canon <span class="sc">G. F. Browne</span> will
+lecture at St. Paul's, in January," on "<i>The
+Christian Church before the coming of
+Augustus</i>." The Canon ought to have said
+"<i>Sir</i> <span class="sc">Augustus</span>." Of course there is only
+one "<span class="sc">Augustus</span>," <i>i.e.</i> our "<span class="sc">Druriolanus</span>."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page256" id="page256"></a>[pg 256]</span>
+
+<h2 class="sans">UNDER THE ROSE.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>A Story in Scenes.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Scene XVII.</span>&mdash;<i>The Drawing-room at Hornbeam Lodge.</i>
+<span class="sc">Curphew</span>
+<i>and</i> <span class="sc">Althea</span> <i>are standing at some distance from one another, in
+evident constraint</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Curphew (sadly).</i> It's only what I expected, and yet&mdash;tell me
+this&mdash;is it entirely because of&mdash;of what you saw at the Eldorado
+last Saturday?</p>
+
+<p><i>Althea.</i> Ah, you <i>know</i>, then! but what does it matter now? I
+was mistaken&mdash;isn't that enough?</p>
+
+<p><i>Curph.</i> Don't judge me by what you saw of <span class="sc">Walter Wildfire</span>.
+I can do better things than that. I can make you forget <i>him</i>&mdash;forget
+that he ever existed, if only you will trust me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Alth. (indignantly).</i> Do you really suppose that he&mdash;that I&mdash;oh, it's
+<i>too</i> insulting! And you will do no good by disparaging <i>him</i>. The
+man who could write those songs, and sing them like that&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Curph. (wincing).</i> Don't! I know how they must have struck
+you. I would have prepared you, if I could. I <i>did</i> try&mdash;that afternoon
+at the station, but I was interrupted. And now it's too late,
+and the harm's done. But at least you
+will never see <span class="sc">Walter Wildfire</span> again!</p>
+
+<p><i>Alth. (exasperated).</i> Have I ever said
+that I <i>wanted</i> to? Why will you persist
+in talking as if&mdash;&mdash;? Once for all,
+I <i>can't</i> care for you; whatever I may
+have thought once, I know now that
+I can have no sympathy with the sort
+of life you lead; the pleasures you are
+content with would not satisfy me; I
+should want more than you could ever
+give me. We should have nothing in
+common&mdash;nothing&mdash;&mdash;There, <i>now</i> do
+you understand?</p>
+
+<p><i>Curph.</i> Yes, I think I do. I suppose
+it's natural, and yet&mdash;don't think too
+hardly of me if you can help it. I might
+have chosen a higher walk than I did,
+but at least I've kept out of the mire,
+and now at last I see my way to&mdash;&mdash;But
+that wouldn't interest you. There,
+I had better say good-bye: you won't
+refuse to give me your hand at parting,
+will you?</p>
+
+<p class="ind2">[<i>As he takes her hand</i>, Mrs. <span class="sc">Toovey</span>
+<i>enters with</i> <span class="sc">Charles</span>, <i>and stands
+transfixed.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toovey.</i> <span class="sc">Althea</span>, don't tell me
+I'm too late! You have not accepted
+that man?</p>
+
+<p><i>Curph.</i> (<i>releasing</i> <span class="sc">Althea's</span> <i>hand</i>).
+On the contrary, I have just had my
+dismissal, Mrs. <span class="sc">Toovey</span>; we were merely
+saying good-bye.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Thank Heaven! But I
+knew I could trust <i>my</i> daughter to
+detect instinctively the designing serpent
+in wolf's clothing&mdash;(<i>correcting herself
+angrily</i>)&mdash;the sheep in dove's plumage,
+I <i>should</i> say.</p>
+
+<p><i>Charles (sotto voce).</i> Similes are cheap
+to-day!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toov. (more angrily still).</i> Well,
+<i>I</i> know what I mean, and so does he!
+(Mr. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> <i>enters</i>.) And how a person with Mr.
+<span class="sc">Curphew's</span>
+antecedents could ever have the face to thrust himself into such a
+household as this&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Toov. (coming forward).</i> <span class="sc">Cornelia</span>, my love! Such language
+to our dear young friend! Surely, surely, there must be some sad
+mistake!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> There has been indeed, Pa, and so you will say when
+you hear who and what he really is!</p>
+
+<p><i>Curph.</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> has been quite aware of it for the last week,
+and was kind enough to say he saw no insuperable objection.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Pa, is this true? You knew who Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span> was
+and never told me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr Toov.</i> My dear, I've no more notion who he is, if he's not
+Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span>, than a babe un&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Curph.</i> But surely, Sir, you forget our conversation at Clapham
+Junction this day week? You certainly knew everything <i>then</i>. I
+thought your nephew had probably&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Charles.</i> I'd no idea of it myself till last Saturday, so it couldn't
+have been <i>me</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Alth. (impatiently).</i> No idea of <i>what</i>? Who <i>is</i> Mr.
+<span class="sc">Curphew</span>,
+Papa?</p>
+
+<p><i>Curph. (to her, in astonishment).</i> But you know! surely you
+know? What else have we been talking about?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Toov. (helplessly).</i> I think we might try to be a little more
+clear, all of us. I do indeed. I'm in a perfect fog myself.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Then, Pa, let me inform you that you have been
+encouraging the acquaintance of a person who gains his living by
+singing ribald songs at music-halls under the name of <span class="sc">Walter
+Wildfire</span>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Alth. (to herself).</i> <span class="sc">Walter Wildfire</span>! Then it was&mdash;&mdash;Oh, if
+I had known!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> A&mdash;a music-hall singer! He! Oh, dear, <i>dear</i> me;
+<i>how</i> one may be deceived in people!</p>
+
+<p><i>Curph.</i> Really, Sir, this can hardly be news to you, when you
+allowed me to send you a box for the Eldorado for the express
+purpose of&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Don't deny you were sent the box, Pa, because I
+know better. The question is&mdash;what you wanted one at all for?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Toov. (to himself).</i> There's no occasion to say anything
+about those shares now! (<i>Aloud.</i>) To be sure. I <i>was</i> sent a ticket,
+my love; I could not help that, but (<i>drawing himself up</i>) it was not
+likely that I should compromise myself by visiting such a place,
+even from the best of motives, and I did
+not use the ticket myself, though I
+believe some other person did.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toov. (in some distress).</i> Well,
+well, never mind that now, Pa. What
+<i>you</i> have to do is to ask this Mr. <span class="sc">Wildfire</span>
+to oblige us all by walking out of
+this house&mdash;for ever.</p>
+
+<p><i>Curph.</i> I should not have stayed so
+long as this, only I hoped that Mr.
+<span class="sc">Toovey</span> at least would have done me the
+justice&mdash;&mdash; However, I've nothing to
+keep me here any longer now.</p>
+
+<p class="ind2">[<i>He moves towards the door.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Alth. (coming forward and intercepting
+him).</i> Yes, you have&mdash;you've
+<i>me</i>. Oh, do you think I'll let you go
+like this&mdash;now I <i>know</i>? Can't you understand
+what a difference it makes?</p>
+
+<p class="ind2">[<i>She clings to his arm.</i></p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/256-800.png"><img src="images/256-300.png" width="300" height="469" alt="'Can't you understand what a difference it makes?'" /></a>
+<p class="center">"Can't you understand what a difference it makes?"</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Charles.</i> Bravo, <span class="sc">Thea</span>! I always
+knew you were a sensible girl!</p>
+
+<p><i>Curph. (utterly bewildered).</i> Then
+you weren't&mdash;you don't&mdash;&mdash;? I wonder
+if I can be awake!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> <span class="sc">Althea</span>, if you had the
+remotest conception of what a music-hall
+singer <i>is</i>, you would never&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Alth.</i> I know what Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span> is,
+Mamma. He is a great artist, a genius;
+he can hold a mixed crowd of careless
+people spell-bound while he sings, make
+them laugh, cry, shudder, just as he
+chooses, and whatever he does is all so
+natural and human and real, and&mdash;oh,
+I can't put it into proper words, but one
+goes away thinking better of the whole
+world after it&mdash;and to hear him treated
+as if he were some outcast&mdash;oh, I can't
+bear it!</p>
+
+<p class="ind2">[<i>She breaks down.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Curph. (to himself).</i> I don't care what
+happens now. They can't take <i>this</i>
+away!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Upon my word! And
+pray where did you learn all this about Mr. <span class="sc">Wildfire's</span> performances?</p>
+
+<p><i>Alth. (boldly).</i> Where, Mamma? Why, at the Eldorado, last
+Saturday evening.</p>
+
+<p class="ind2">[<i>Sudden collapse of</i> Mrs. <span class="sc">Toovey</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Toov. (electrified).</i> A daughter of mine at the Eldorado!
+<span class="sc">Thea</span>, my child, you <i>can't</i> know what you are talking about; look
+at the effect on your poor mother!</p>
+
+<p><i>Alth. (desperately).</i> But indeed, Papa, there was no harm in it, I
+went with the <span class="sc">Merridews</span>. And&mdash;and I may be mistaken, of
+course, but I&mdash;I thought I saw <i>Mamma</i> there too!</p>
+
+<p class="ind2">[<i>Sensation.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Charles.</i> Oh, I say, <span class="sc">Thea</span>; aren't you coming it <i>rather</i> strong?
+Aunt at the Eldorado! Why, Aunt thought <i>Uncle</i> was there!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> <span class="sc">Cornelia</span>, my love, don't pay any attention to her;
+the child must be stark staring mad to say such things. It's bad
+enough that <i>she</i> should have gone; but to think of <i>you</i> in such a
+scene! (<i>To</i> <span class="sc">Althea</span>.) Why, it was that very Saturday evening
+that your dear mother went to the Zenana Meeting at Mrs.
+<span class="sc">Cumberbatch's</span>&mdash;yes, to be sure. (<i>To</i> Mrs. T.) You remember, my
+dear, how you came home so late, in a cab the driver had been
+smoking in, and how the moment you entered the room I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toov. (hastily).</i> My dear <span class="sc">Theophilus</span>, I remember the
+circumstances
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page257" id="page257"></a>[pg 257]</span>
+perfectly, but I should not condescend to answer so
+preposterous a charge; especially when it is my own daughter who
+brings it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Alth.</i> (<i>in distress</i>). But indeed I don't Mamma. I only fancied it
+<i>might</i> have been you, and of course, if you were at the
+<span class="sc">Cumberbatches</span>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). I must put a stop to this once and for all.
+(<i>Aloud</i>.) <i>If</i> I was at the <span class="sc">Cumberbatches</span>! When your father has
+just <i>told</i> you I was there&mdash;really, <span class="sc">Althea</span>! Did I hear wheels
+outside? Just look, Pa. I haven't seen my spectacles since Saturday.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>at the window</i>). Why, really, my love, it does seem to
+be a carriage, indeed. I wonder who can be calling at such a&mdash;&mdash;Now,
+it's quite a coincidence, truly&mdash;it's dear Mrs. <span class="sc">Cumberbatch</span>!
+I hope she'll come in, because I really think it's a duty to warn
+her against employing that particular cabman again. A driver who
+permits himself to smoke inside his own vehicle to that extent&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="ind2">[Mrs. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> <i>makes ineffectual efforts to speak</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Alth.</i> (<i>in a whisper, to</i> <span class="sc">Curphew</span>). Do look at Mamma! You
+don't think she could really&mdash;&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Curph.</i> I don't know what to
+think yet; but we shall all know
+in a very few seconds now.</p>
+
+<p class="ind2">[<i>The hall-door is heard to open;
+Mrs. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> attempts to rise,
+but has to remain in her seat,
+dumb and paralysed</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">End of Scene XVII.</span></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 class="sans">LOBENGULA'S LETTER-BAG.</h3>
+
+<p>(<i>Post-mark, Regent's Park</i>.)
+Shall be glad to engage you for
+the Gardens. You will be expected
+to look after the elephants
+and to make yourself generally
+useful with the lions and tigers.
+As the Christmas holidays are
+approaching, perhaps you might
+invent a little comic scene with
+the crocodiles. A similar feature
+was supplied years ago by the
+French sailor in charge of the
+seals with much effect. Of course
+we shall be glad if your knowledge
+of the idiosyncrasies of the
+ourang-outang enables you to
+suggest anything that could be
+worked up into a comic interlude.
+Please bear in mind that the
+Gardens want waking up, and
+you have a big opportunity. You would have Sunday off every
+other week. The Gardens would reserve to themselves the right of
+regulating your costume. Your boots and straw-hat may be ample
+in Africa, but in the Regent's Park would be considered inappropriate.
+We think we can clothe you in the very thing, if we
+can find a size large enough for you. It is called "the boy's
+home-for-the-holidays
+lounging suit," and is largely advertised. Shall
+expect you by next boat.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Post-mark, Westminster</i>). Glad to engage you for a month
+certain, with power to increase the time to six weeks or longer. Could
+you bring with you a pugilistic hippopotamus? It must be a young
+one, as there is not much room for any side-shows. If you can
+jump, and don't mind water, so much the better. If you would leap
+from the organ-loft into a tank on to the stage, carrying on your
+back the boxing-kangaroo, the feat might be accepted, and prove a
+feature. Think this over on the journey to England. Perhaps something
+may occur to you. If so, mind that we are deeply respected, and
+are highly popular with the L. C. C. So please let your suggestions
+be as refined as possible.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Post-mark, Paternoster Row</i>). Shall be glad to arrange with you
+for the immediate production of your Recollections. Would be glad
+if they were written in a bright, chatty style. You might give an
+account of your connection with literary celebrities, torturers,
+scientific expeditions, executions, sport in the far East, native war,
+and other topics of interest that may have come under your personal
+observation. If you could write up to some electros we have of a
+comic German Christmas party so much the better. As the success
+of the book is doubtful, we do not wish to incur unnecessary
+expense, and therefore would be glad if you could see your way to
+introducing the following blocks, of which we hold the copyright:&mdash;Covent
+Garden by Moonlight, A Spanish Bull Fight, An Execution
+in front of the Old Bailey, A Students' Ball in the Quartier Latin,
+H.R.H. opening a Newly-erected Board-School, Snipe Shooting on
+the Norfolk Broads, Christmas in a Storm at Sea, Hampstead Heath on
+Bank Holiday, Portrait of <span class="sc">John Wesley</span>, A Lecture on Chemistry
+at the Royal Polytechnic Institution, Exterior of the new Police
+Court at Bow Street, An Incident in the Lord Mayor's Show,
+"Oxford wins," <span class="sc">Van Tromp</span> sailing up the Thames, Paris Fashions
+for February, Christmas Eve&mdash;the Last Omnibus, Hop Pickers on
+the March, The new Uniform of the Grenadier Guards, and the late
+Fire at the Borough Brewery. We shall be glad if you will put the
+book in hand at once, as it is scarcely necessary to say that the sale
+of a work of reminiscences depends to a large extent upon the
+popularity of its author at the moment of publication. Terms,
+after the sale of 5000 copies, one penny a volume royalty.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Post-mark, Drury Lane.</i>) Engage you at once for ten years.
+Probably shall not require you for more than three or four months,
+but shall retain you for the rest of the time. May come in useful
+later on. Place waiting for you in the Pantomime. Minute and a
+half in English History in twenty minutes. Also comic scene with
+the Clown. The engagement must have clause allowing transference.
+Can find places for your wives (if they are really nice
+ones) in the Transformation Scene. If you can imitate the
+cries &amp;c., of wild beasts, &amp;c., think I can get you a turn at the
+Palace. Writing a first-rate
+part for you in Autumn drama.
+A sort of gentlemanly demon,
+who appears in the West End
+during the first and third Acts,
+and in the last scene, appears
+in national costume with a real
+army and the whole bag of
+tricks. Bring as many of your
+army with you as you can. Can
+find something for them to do until
+the production of the Autumn
+drama. Collect a good lot of
+assegais and other useful props.
+May see way to working you
+into the Opera season. If you
+can sing, can give you a show
+at a concert. Might do for
+German series. Terms as per
+usual. Special arrangement if
+wanted at Windsor. Come over
+at once. On second thoughts,
+remain where you are. Will run
+over to have a chat. Third, and
+last thought, come over yourself.
+Find myself, with my engagements,
+just now a little pressed
+for time. <i>Au revoir!</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 620px;"><a href="images/257-1000.png"><img src="images/257-600.png" width="600" height="455" alt="A NOVELTY." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A NOVELTY.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cylinder</i> (<i>who always uses his Host's cartridges</i>). "<span class="sc">What
+Powder are these loaded with, my Boy?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Beater.</i> "<span class="sc">Ar doan't rightly know; but ar think they calls
+it Serdlitz Pooder!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Coal and Wood.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+["<i>That a Board of Conciliation be
+constituted forthwith, to last for one year at least, consisting of an equal
+number of coalowners and miners' representatives, fourteen of each</i>."&mdash;<i>Terms
+of the Collieries Strike Conference.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Hooray for happy harmony so readily restored!</p>
+<p>Thanks chiefly to young <span class="sc">Rosebery</span>, that shrewd and genial lord.</p>
+<p>And <i>Mr. Punch</i> is thankful, for such strikes we can't afford,</p>
+<p>That in the Labour <i>platform</i> the newest <i>plank</i>'s a <i>Board</i>!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>AN ORNITHOLOGICAL OUTBURST.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">
+["A specimen of the rare white-tailed eagle has just been shot at Bude
+Haven, Cornwall."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper, Nov. 24.</i>]
+</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Ah! shades of <span class="sc">Yarrell</span>, <span class="sc">Morris</span>, <span class="sc">Bewick</span>, <span class="sc">Wood</span>,</p>
+<p>Swoop down from Nephelococcygian eyrie</p>
+<p class="i4">With legions of bird-phantoms,</p>
+<p class="i4">Roc-ghosts and spectral bantams,</p>
+<p>And venge the Vandal sporting-man's vagary,</p>
+<p class="i2">Wrought on your race in Cornwall's bay of Bude!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">A <i>Haliaëtus</i> he's done to death!</p>
+<p>Haunt him and harry, ossifrage and osprey!</p>
+<p class="i4">Hoot, owl! Croak havoc, raven!</p>
+<p class="i4">He of that wave-beat haven</p>
+<p>Should&mdash;like the Ancient, of the Albatross&mdash;pray</p>
+<p class="i4">For tardy pardon till his latest breath!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Soon will the Sea-earn join the vanished band</p>
+<p>Of Garefowl, Æpyornis, Dodo, Moa!</p>
+<p class="i4">And e'en the merry mavis</p>
+<p class="i4">Will rank as <i>rara avis</i>&mdash;</p>
+<p>The sparrow, sole of all that sailed with <span class="sc">Noah</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Will learn the casual pot-shot to withstand!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Why surely, when rare birds are rarer made</p>
+<p>By '<span class="sc">Arry</span>, or by '<span class="sc">Arriet's</span> hat-adorner,</p>
+<p class="i4">These gentry should be tethered</p>
+<p class="i4">To posts, and tarred and feathered!</p>
+<p>To see the balance thus redressed a mourner</p>
+<p class="i2">Would <i>not</i> be he who has these lines essayed!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page258" id="page258"></a>[pg 258]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/258-1500.png"><img src="images/258-600.png" width="600" height="348" alt="A DISCUSSION ON WOMAN'S RIGHTS." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A DISCUSSION ON WOMAN'S RIGHTS.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">"A&mdash;I've no doubt you're quite right in <i>Theory</i>, Lady Hypatia. But I'm
+afraid that in Practice the World at
+large won't agree with you."</span> <span class="sc" style="float: right;">"Won't it? Then it oughtn't to <i>be</i>
+at large!"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>Latest Parliamentary Version.</i>)</h4>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Mr. H. Fowler</span> <i>sings</i>. (<span class="sc">Air</span>&mdash;"<i>Daisy Bell.</i>")</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There's mazy misgiving upon my part,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Hazy, hazy,</p>
+<p>Women, by <span class="sc">Walter M'Laren's</span> art,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Muddle my "Mazy Bill."</p>
+<p>Whether I love it or love it not,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Down I must gulp this pill.</p>
+<p>She-suffrage complicates the plot,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Much, of my "Mazy Bill"!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<h4><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Mazy! Mazy!</p>
+<p class="i10"> She-Voter, sit up, do!</p>
+<p class="i4">I'm half crazy,</p>
+<p class="i10"> All with the weight of <i>you</i>!</p>
+<p class="i4">You will not be robbed by marriage</p>
+<p class="i4">Of a ride on this bi-wheeled carriage.</p>
+<p class="i10"> You look so sweet</p>
+<p class="i10"> (So you think) on the seat</p>
+<p class="i4">Of a Bicycle built for Two!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We must go "tandem," like man and wife!&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10"> Aisy! Aisy!&mdash;</p>
+<p>Am I not working away for life,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Driving my "Mazy Bill"?</p>
+<p>Taking <i>you</i> up, as an extra load,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Taxes my strength and skill.</p>
+<p>Rough and up-hill is the country road,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Run by the "Mazy Bill."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<h4><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Lazy! Lazy!&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10"> Spin like a "Scorcher"&mdash;<i>do</i>!</p>
+<p class="i4">I'm half crazy</p>
+<p class="i10"> With the dead weight of you!</p>
+<p class="i4">Spinster or bound in marriage,</p>
+<p class="i4">You claim gratuitous carriage;</p>
+<p class="i10"> But&mdash;use your feet</p>
+<p class="i10"> If you <i>must</i> have a seat,</p>
+<p class="i4">On this Bicycle built for Two!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I must stand by you? Oh yes, <i>I</i> know!</p>
+<p class="i10"> <i>They</i> see, <i>they</i> see,&mdash;</p>
+<p><span class="sc">M'Laren</span> and <span class="sc">Stansfeld</span>, <span class="sc">Jesse</span> and <span class="sc">Joe</span>,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10"> I'm bound to my "Mazy Bill."</p>
+<p>You'll take the lead, if I don't mistake.</p>
+<p class="i10"> Then, if you work your will,</p>
+<p>Who will there be to put on the brake,</p>
+<p class="i10"> Working my "Mazy Bill"?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<h4><i>Chorus</i>&mdash;</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Hazy! Hazy!</p>
+<p class="i10"> Such is the country view!</p>
+<p class="i4">Squires half crazy,</p>
+<p class="i10"> All for sheer dread of you!</p>
+<p class="i4">Maidens or marred by marriage,</p>
+<p class="i4">Your sex means claiming their carriage;</p>
+<p class="i10"> But, I feel dead beat</p>
+<p class="i10"> With your weight on the seat</p>
+<p class="i4">Of this Bicycle&mdash;built for Two!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 class="sans">CONVERSATION BOOK FOR CANDIDATES.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>When the Ladies have the Franchise.</i>)</h4>
+
+<ul class="none">
+<li><i>Voter.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Are you sure you are quite steady?</li>
+
+<li><i>Candidate.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Quite. And I am prepared to
+give the best time of my life to the consideration
+of the most important&mdash;&mdash;</li>
+
+<li><i>V.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Thank you, that will do. But do you
+think that a carriage is necessary for a wife?</li>
+
+<li><i>C.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Certainly, and it would be a grievance
+if she had not one. By a development of the
+trade of the country I believe that&mdash;&mdash;</li>
+
+<li><i>V.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Thank you, that will do. And I suppose
+you admit the equality of the sexes?</li>
+
+<li><i>C.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Undoubtedly, considering that the
+highest places in the university class lists are
+carried off by&mdash;&mdash;</li>
+
+<li><i>V.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Thank you, that will do. And I suppose
+you, if elected, will have a fortune
+sufficiently ample to afford a house in Eaton
+Square, a place in the country, a yacht in the
+Solent, a box at the opera, and all the other
+necessary etceteras?</li>
+
+<li><i>C.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Most probably. I hold it to be the duty
+of every legislator to see that his wealth is
+sufficient to enable him to give his individual
+time to the service of his constituents, and&mdash;&mdash;</li>
+
+<li><i>V.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Thank you, that will do. I presume,
+if you married, you would like your wife's
+mother to occasionally visit her daughter?</li>
+
+<li><i>C.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Theoretically, yes. Judging for others,
+I would say that no subject of greater interest
+than happy domestic arrangement could be
+imagined. I would insist that the well-being
+of the family circle is of paramount importance,
+and that&mdash;&mdash;</li>
+
+<li><i>V.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Thank you, that will do. And now for
+my last question. If you are elected will you
+be prepared to marry my eldest daughter?</li>
+
+<li><i>C.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;That is a matter of great moment which
+requires the most careful consideration.
+Without absolutely pledging myself to any
+course of action, I may declare that&mdash;&mdash;</li>
+
+<li><i>V.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Thank you, that will do. And now I
+will examine your opponent!</li>
+</ul>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>PALINODE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">["In my old Radical days."&mdash;<i>Mr. Chamberlain.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Yes, I once was a smart little Rad</p>
+<p class="i2">Who talked about "lilies" and "ransom."</p>
+<p>Those views, which were shallow and mad,</p>
+<p class="i2">I retract, in a manner most handsome.</p>
+<p>Eh? "Skeletons," "Armchairs"? Oh no!</p>
+<p class="i2">I hold they are traitors or sillies,</p>
+<p>Who talk (like the juvenile <span class="sc">Joe</span>)</p>
+<p class="i2">About skeletons, ransom, and lilies!</p>
+<p class="i6">Ri fol de rol liddle lol dol!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I <i>might</i> be indulging to-day</p>
+<p class="i2">In the rampant and rancorous Rad's tone,</p>
+<p>Swearing "lilies" full "ransom" must pay,</p>
+<p class="i2">If it hadn't a-been for that <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>!</p>
+<p><i>He</i> serves as a warning to <i>me</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">A sort of political helot;</p>
+<p>But, thanks to old W. G.,</p>
+<p class="i2">I'm no longer a radical zealot!</p>
+<p class="i6">Ri fol de rol liddle lol dol!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page259" id="page259"></a>[pg 259]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/259-1200.png"><img src="images/259-500.png" width="500" height="621" alt="'A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO.'" /></a>
+<h1>"A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO."</h1>
+
+<p>["If he (Mr. <span class="sc">Fowler</span>) understood the decision of the House correctly on
+this subject, it was this&mdash;that the disqualification of married women
+should cease, that was to say, where a woman was otherwise qualified, and was on
+an existing register, and, as such, entitled to vote, she should
+not be disqualified by reason of being a married woman.... It was a decision
+which the Government would endeavour to carry out.... He should
+propose to insert a new clause removing the disqualification of married women
+altogether."&mdash;<i>Mr. H. Fowler in the Debate on the Parish Councils Bill</i>.]</p></div>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page260" id="page260"></a>[pg 260]</span><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page261" id="page261"></a>[pg 261]</span>
+
+<h2>ROBERT'S PUZZEL.</h2>
+
+<p class="ind2">I've had a Puzzel put into my hands
+by a heminent Common Councilman
+which has puzzeld me orfully, but
+which he says is as plane as the hobjects
+of a County Counsellor. It is as
+follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Amalgamation is Wexation,</p>
+<p class="i2">Unefecation is as Bad,</p>
+<p>The Royal Commission puzzels me,</p>
+<p class="i2">And their practises drives me Mad!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>In course the hole thing is a Commondrum
+to a pore Waiter like me;
+but my frend tells me that it all
+means, that as the City Copperation
+is the popularest body in all the hole
+Country, and the London County
+Counsel about the most unpopularest,
+as they are allers a hinterfering unnessasarily
+with the comforts and
+amusements of some class or other of
+the peeple, they acshally has the hordasity
+to propose that the grand old
+Copperation shoud be abolished altogether,
+and ancient Gildhall and the
+honored Manshun House, with all their
+sacred contents, handed over to the
+County Counsellors! and that in
+future there shoud be no reel City of
+London, but that all the hole place,
+with its five millions of peeple, shoud
+be muddled up together, and put under
+the loving care of the London County
+Counsel!</p>
+
+<p>Well, I do happen to have a pretty
+large acquaintance one way and
+another, and I wentures to say, most
+truthfully, that I haven't come across
+one singel one on 'em but what has
+ether amost bust hisself with larfter,
+or amost screamed hisself hoarse
+with hindignation, when I have
+told him my almost unposserbel tail!</p>
+
+<p>I did wenture to ask the Common
+Councilman, the other day, whether he
+reelly thort as there was any possibility
+of such a hideous skeme a being
+carried out, when we all knowd what
+a splendid caracter the old Copperation
+had borne for ages past for Generossity,
+for Horsepitallerty, and for
+Eddication. His arnser was, "My dear
+ROBERT, we lives in sitch rum times
+that one hesitates to say that any
+habsurdity is impossible, but the great
+trust of all of us is, that should things
+get to the werry worst, and ewen the
+House of Commons throw us over&mdash;tho
+I have heard their great Leader
+himself declare, in Gildhall itself, that
+the history of the City Copperation reflected
+an amount of credit upon those
+who had governed it for generations
+that it would be differcult to surpass&mdash;the
+same nobel and hindependent Body
+as only a few munse ago saved the
+country from disruption, and thereby
+raised themselves greatly in the estimation
+of all thinking men, would
+again step forward and save the grate
+Capital from such a ridickulus, and
+contemtible, and silly absurditty as
+was never equaled in the history of
+the world!"</p>
+
+<p>Ah, well, these was nice comforting
+words for me to hear, and sent me
+about my ofishal dooties with quite
+renewed wiggour, and when shortly
+afterwards I wentured to repeat them
+to one of the most importantest of our
+gests, he turned round and acshally
+shook my hand, and exclaimed, "Ah,
+my good <span class="sc">Robert</span>, we may trust to
+them, for many and many a time
+have I heard some of our gratest
+men exclaim, 'Thank God we have
+a House of Lords!'"</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Robert.</span></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>ONE OF THE "MAXIMS" OF CIVILISATION!</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><a href="images/261a-800.png"><img src="images/261a-450.png" width="450" height="478" alt="Old and New." /></a>
+<h4><span class="sc">Old and New.</span></h4>
+
+<p>"Think of the glorious Mottoes," said a Major of the
+old school. "'<i>Nil Desperandum</i>,' 'Death or Victory,'
+'England Expects,' and so forth!" Replied his friend,
+the modern Captain, "Bother your Mottoes! Give us the
+'Maxims'!"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>"Flibbertigibbet."</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The fiend that now urges to&mdash;pen flippant novels</p>
+<p class="i2">Is modern <i>Poor Tom's</i> modish <i>Modo</i>,*</p>
+<p>The work that in cynical worldliness grovels</p>
+<p class="i2">Will soon be extinct as the Dodo!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+
+<p class="i16">*See <i>King Lear</i>.</p>
+</div></div>
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>"HISTORY (NEARLY) REPEATS ITSELF."</h2>
+
+<h4>(<i>A Peep into the Future.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>There was a general strike. The playing fields were deserted,
+and trade was at a standstill. Not a cricket-ball or a foot-ball had
+been made for months, and the lawn-tennis industry
+was paralyzed. The papers of the day urged the
+Government to intervene. "After all, it was only a
+matter of figures. Surely a compromise might be
+reached. If players would only meet payers, all
+would be well." So a Cabinet Council was held, and
+the most popular Member of the Ministry was selected
+as arbitrator. The name was well-received by both
+sides, and all seemed <i>en train</i> for a satisfactory
+settlement.</p>
+
+<p>"We must have a proper salary," said a representative
+of the foot-ball profession: "if we don't,
+we shall have to give it up, and take to soldiering,
+doctoring, brief-accepting, and the rest of it."</p>
+
+<p>There was a murmur of disapproval at this
+suggestion. Was foot-ball to perish because its
+professors could not get a "living wage"? No, a
+thousand times no!</p>
+
+<p>Then the Minister suggested that he had better
+hear the complaints of the men, the women, and the
+children. So the cricketers, the golfers, the polo-players,
+and the lovers of lawn-tennis spoke at length.</p>
+
+<p>"And what may you want young lady?" asked
+the arbitrator, with a smile.</p>
+
+<p>"I must be paid for taking my doll for a walk,"
+replied a small girl of six or seven. "I have to
+keep the toy perambulator in repair, and when
+Rose falls on her nose, I have to get her face
+replaced. How am I to bear these expenses if I
+receive nothing? It is impossible, unreasonable!"</p>
+
+<p>"And I, too," cried a schoolboy. "How can I
+trundle my hoop or play at marbles if I am not
+allowed something for my time?"</p>
+
+<p>And there were other complaints. Everyone wanted a wage, and
+the cries for salaries waxed louder and louder.</p>
+
+<p>Then the Minister asked for a few minutes' grace, and began
+writing. After he had finished his despatch, he put it in an
+envelope, and requested someone to read it when he had taken his
+departure. Then he went away.</p>
+
+<p>"Dear me!" said the person to whom the
+despatch had been entrusted. "This is highly unsatisfactory.
+I find the arbitrator has resigned
+without making an award, and has left the matter in
+the hands of Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span>."</p>
+
+<p>Then there was a cry of sorrow. For it was
+known that as Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span> had had quite enough
+of conflicts between capital and labour, he would
+certainly refuse to be dragged into another quarrel.</p>
+
+<p>So the war went on between players and payers,
+and "Merrie England" became a byword of reproach
+in the comity of nations.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 150px; border: 1px solid #dddddd;"><a href="images/261b-400.png"><img src="images/261b-150.png" width="150" height="312" alt="Popular Idea of the Costume" /></a>
+<p class="center">Popular Idea of the Costume of a Member of the Bar on "Grand Day."</p></div>
+
+<h3>MATURE CHARMS.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem2">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Maiden</span> slim and fair, with the golden hair,</p>
+<p class="i2">So eager to snare with the knowing glance</p>
+<p>Of your eyes so bright, and to waltz all night</p>
+<p class="i2">With that step so light in the mazy dance,</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Years ago, I swear, we once met somewhere;</p>
+<p class="i2">We danced&mdash;you take care to forget that ball&mdash;</p>
+<p>And my arm embraced that wasp's whalebone waist,</p>
+<p class="i2">So cruelly laced, so absurdly small!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But then I declare you had nut-brown hair,</p>
+<p class="i2">The colour's still there just down at the roots;</p>
+<p>You are "fancy free," full of girlish glee,</p>
+<p class="i2">But you're forty-three I would bet my boots.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Your beauty is rare, but I am aware</p>
+<p class="i2">That face you prepare, that vile waist you buy,</p>
+<p>Which corsets to civilised women give,</p>
+<p class="i2">And hairdressers live so that you may dye.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page262" id="page262"></a>[pg 262]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/262-1500.png"><img src="images/262-600.png" width="600" height="406" alt="SO POLITE!!" /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">SO POLITE!!</h3>
+
+<p><i>Slim nervous Gent</i> (<i>pulling up at a regular facer</i>). "<span class="sc">Hold hard,
+you Brute! 'Ladies first!</span>'"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A BALLAD.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I wish I could write romantic rot,</p>
+<p class="i2">Like the beautiful songs they sing</p>
+<p>At Ballad Concerts; why should I not</p>
+<p class="i2">Attempt such a simple thing?</p>
+<p>This metre's just right. Here goes!&mdash;The moon</p>
+<p class="i2">Shone sad o'er the silvered waves,</p>
+<p>The nightingale trilled 'neath that night of June,</p>
+<p class="i2">Where the river the primrose laves.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>(That's good, though hazy the sense may seem,</p>
+<p class="i2">No primrose would bloom at the time;</p>
+<p>The river "laves" it, not it the stream;</p>
+<p class="i2">"Moon" and "June" makes a clumsy rhyme.)</p>
+<p>Upon the terrace a maiden fair</p>
+<p class="i2">Was gazing the waters o'er,</p>
+<p>And dreaming of vows of love she ne'er</p>
+<p class="i2">Would hear, as in days of yore.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>("Days of yore," that's fine.) And her soft, sad eyes</p>
+<p class="i2">Looked up at the starry night,</p>
+<p>She kissed a fair ruby ring, with sighs,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which shone on her fingers white.</p>
+<p>(You put the words as it suits you best;</p>
+<p class="i2">The adjective need not be</p>
+<p>Before the noun.) On her heaving breast</p>
+<p class="i2">A red, red rose you could see.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>(That is if you had been there.) She wept;</p>
+<p class="i2">To-night must her lover go.</p>
+<p>The rose was awake, though the pimpernel slept.</p>
+<p class="i2">(Bagged from <span class="sc">Tennyson</span>, don't you know?)</p>
+<p>The silent stream whispered scarce a sign,</p>
+<p class="i2">Ere it swept past the willows grey.</p>
+<p>(The sense is vague, though the sound is fine;</p>
+<p class="i2">What it means even I can't say.)</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Alas! alas! red, red rose, bright ring!</p>
+<p class="i2">Red rose, cherished ring, alas!</p>
+<p>(Such bosh sounds beautiful when you sing.)</p>
+<p class="i2">A hush lay over the grass.</p>
+<p>(I'm hanged if I know what a "hush" may be.</p>
+<p class="i2">It's something pathetic, sublime.)</p>
+<p>The nightingale warbled upon the tree.</p>
+<p class="i2">O rose-scented summertime!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He came, and pressed to his manly heart</p>
+<p class="i2">The maid 'neath the pale moonbeams</p>
+<p>(Don't mind if accents are wrong); they part!</p>
+<p class="i2">In (excellent rhyme) her dreams</p>
+<p>The joy of that passionate farewell kiss</p>
+<p class="i2">To the silent tomb she bore.</p>
+<p>(I could easily write you a mile of this,</p>
+<p class="i2">But you probably want no more.)</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2">"<span class="sc">La Fin du Sea-Aigle(!!).</span>"&mdash;The
+<i>Standard</i> informs us that&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A specimen of the white-tailed, or sea eagle,
+has just been shot at Bude Haven, Cornwall. The
+bird weighed nearly eight pounds, and the extended
+wings measure between seven and eight feet
+from tip to tip."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="center">Now, "next please," and let us have the
+"Very last of the Sea Serpent!"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span></h4>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/264a-800.png"><img src="images/264a-300.png" width="300" height="282" alt="Johnson of Ballykilbeg escorting the Duke of York." /></a>
+<p class="center">Johnson of Ballykilbeg escorting the Duke of York.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday Night, November
+20.</i>&mdash;Rumour current to-night that
+Ballykilbeg is in the market. Ballykilbeg is
+the manorial seat of one of the most ancient
+and honourable Irish families, long settled in
+County Down. The <span class="sc">O'Hnstons</span> were in the
+train of <span class="sc">Borrhoimi</span> when he first essayed,
+and succeeded in, the difficult task of forming
+a United Ireland. <span class="sc">Jake O'Hnston</span> is a
+name that lingers lovingly in tradition of
+Youngest Ireland. Gradually, being always
+on the people's lips, it began to take a new
+form. <span class="sc">J. O'Hnston</span> naturally became <span class="sc">Johnston</span>;
+but Ballykilbeg was always there.
+To-day House of Commons contains no more
+esteemed Member than he who is known as
+<span class="sc">Johnston</span> of Ballykilbeg. A man of war
+breathing battle, ever ready to take his place
+amongst the corpses in the last ditch, <span class="sc">Johnston</span>
+of Ballykilbeg off the platform in Ulster,
+or off his legs in House of Commons, is the
+mildest-mannered man that ever proposed
+to broil a brother for conscience' sake.</p>
+
+<p>Quite a sensation at prospect of dissevering
+<span class="sc">Johnston</span> from Ballykilbeg. Glad to hear
+there's nothing, or little, in it. Arises out
+of circumstance that <span class="sc">Johnston</span> has approached
+Mr. G. with suggestion that
+Treasury shall purchase an estate in Ireland,
+and there plant out the Duke of <span class="sc">York</span>.
+If the Duke, making a survey of Ireland,
+should find no more attractive place
+than Ballykilbeg, the descendant of the
+<span class="sc">O'Hnstons</span> is not the man to allow personal
+predilections or old associations to stand in the way of gratification
+of Royal desire. It might come to pass that the Crowned Heads of
+Europe would welcome at their courts <span class="sc">York</span> of Ballykilbeg, whilst
+the last of the <span class="sc">O'Hnstons</span> would be content to house his loyal head
+under alien roof. That, however, not a prospect in view when he
+moved in the matter. There is surely room between the seas
+that circle Ireland for the Duke of <span class="sc">York</span> and <span class="sc">Johnston</span> still at
+Ballykilbeg.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Clause I. added to Parish Councils Bill.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page263" id="page263"></a>[pg 263]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/263-1500.png"><img src="images/263-600.png" width="600" height="437" alt="LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS.&mdash;No. 5. HUNTING." /></a>
+
+<h2 class="sans">LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS.&mdash;No. 5. HUNTING.</h2></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page264" id="page264"></a>[pg 264]</span>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday</i>.&mdash;Parish Councils on again. That was order of day,
+but human ingenuity dragged in other matters. First Woman's
+Suffrage, on which there was livelier debate than has yet arisen in
+Committee on this Bill. Last Thursday <span class="sc">Walter M'Laren</span> raised
+question in form of an Instruction. Government resisting were
+beaten, the Opposition coalescing with revolting Radicals. Now, as
+<span class="sc">Squire of Malwood</span> puts it, the Government, kissing the rod,
+accept injunction; undertake to embody <span class="sc">M'Laren's</span> Amendment in
+Bill. Pretty to see air of doubt and hesitation that hereupon comes
+over ingenuous faces on Opposition benches. If <span class="sc">Henry Fowler</span>
+had put his back up, declared that Woman delighted him not, nor
+<span class="sc">Walter M'Laren</span> either, Opposition would again have joined
+forces with Radicals, and Government would once more have suffered
+defeat. Since they resolved to obey Instruction carried by majority
+last Thursday, <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> shakes his head; <span class="sc">Edward Stanhope</span>
+shows this is quite another pair of sleeves; whilst <span class="sc">Joseph</span>, back
+bronzed from breezy Bahamas, bluntly says he will oppose new
+Clause <span class="sc">Henry Fowler</span> has promised to bring in.</p>
+
+<p>"It is the duty of an Opposition to oppose," says <span class="sc">Prince
+Arthur</span>; "and I did not for several Sessions sit at feet of <span class="sc">Old
+Morality</span> without being impressed with imperative sense of duty."</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/264b-800.png"><img src="images/264b-300.png" width="300" height="222" alt="Mr. Courtney explains the Puzzle." /></a>
+<p class="center">Mr. Courtney explains the Puzzle.</p></div>
+
+<p>Later, when this difficulty temporarily out of way and it seemed
+progress with Clause might be made. Proportional Representation
+was dragged in neck and crop. <span class="sc">Courtney</span> took charge of the puzzle
+business, and tried to explain it. No prizes offered, and attention a
+little slack. <span class="sc">Squire of Malwood</span> defined the theory in admirable
+phrase. "It is," he said, "an ingenious system by which a man is
+to vote for a person he does not prefer in order to secure a majority
+for some purpose he does not understand." Can't better that;
+leaves nothing else to say. Nevertheless, much was said; talked by
+the hour; finally a division, in which Government majority, rarely
+falling below three score and ten, stood at 72.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Something of the debating society order.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday night.</i>&mdash;Things coming to a pretty pass if <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span>
+is not to offer a few observations on third reading of Employers'
+Liability Bill without an arrogant Minister moving the Closure.
+Apart from consideration of individual liberty and freedom of
+speech, House would have suffered special disappointment if
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span> had accepted <span class="sc">Asquith's</span> suggestion and submitted
+question
+of Closure. Finding <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span> on his feet at this juncture it
+naturally thought he had, in interval, discovered what his amendments
+moved last week in Committee on Bill meant, and was seizing
+this opportunity of explaining them. He didn't; but that was all
+<span class="sc">Asquith's</span> fault. Enough to cow any man rising at ten minutes to
+twelve and having pistol held to his head in shape of motion for the
+Closure.</p>
+
+<p>Just at the time when <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span> was coming to his explanation,
+hand of clock touched five minutes to twelve. He might still have
+used up at least four minutes; being flurried, he sat down; and now
+we shall never know what his amendments were designed to accomplish.
+Happily there was time left for <span class="sc">Matthews</span> to soundly
+rate <span class="sc">Asquith</span> for his attempt to Closure <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span>. Right hon.
+gentleman could scarcely control his tongue in the emotion under
+which he laboured, in contemplation of the attempted outrage. It
+would have been bad enough with an ordinary member. That the
+weighty and sententious speech of so eminent a statesman as the
+Member for Preston should have been broken in upon by a motion
+for the Closure only showed, in the ex-Home Secretary's opinion,
+how bad was the case of the Government, how reckless the
+tactics to which desperation drove them. A beautiful speech;
+almost, as <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span> says, worth being snubbed by <span class="sc">Asquith</span> in
+order to elicit this eloquent testimony to modest merit.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Employers' Liability Bill read a third time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday Night.</i>&mdash;Great advantage of habit of foreign travel ingrained
+with Members of Commons is that when erudite question
+comes up sure to be someone present who can illustrate its bearings
+from experience gained in more or less remote portions of the planet.
+Just now <span class="sc">Henry Fowler</span> moved provision in Parish Councils Bill,
+making it possible for Lovely Woman, whether married or single,
+to stoop to folly of being elected on Parish Council Board. Up
+jumps <span class="sc">Horace Plunkett</span> with some charming reminiscences brightly
+told of residence in the State of Wyoming. In that happy land
+women enjoy equal political and municipal privileges with their
+brother men.</p>
+
+<p>"I was," said <span class="sc">Plunkett</span>, "well acquainted with a female Justice
+of the Peace. She discharged her duties, and, when necessary, a
+revolver."</p>
+
+<p>Another of <span class="sc">Plunkett's</span> lady friends in far-off Wyoming had her
+domestic duties broken in upon by summons to attend a jury. Case
+proved protracted; husband had to stay at home and mind the
+baby, whilst she was locked up all-night with eleven good men and
+true.</p>
+
+<p>After hearing this, Committee unanimously, without division
+being challenged, agreed to <span class="sc">Fowler's</span> Amendment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;On Clause III. Parish Council Bill.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>SHAKSPEARE IN LONDON.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Buy</span> no more, Ladies; buy no more;</p>
+<p class="i2">Shops were deceivers ever:</p>
+<p>One price in season, one before,</p>
+<p class="i2">And reasonable never.</p>
+<p class="i4">Then buy not so,</p>
+<p class="i4">But let them go,</p>
+<p class="i2">And be you blithe and bonny,</p>
+<p>Converting "<i>Robes, modes, et manteaux</i>"</p>
+<p class="i2">Into&mdash;"<i>Pas, si je connais</i>!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Bring no more bargains&mdash;sales are low,</p>
+<p class="i2">And bills are dull and heavy;</p>
+<p>(The shopmen drew their longest bow</p>
+<p class="i2">For Summer's rout and <i>levée</i>.)</p>
+<p class="i4">Then buy not so,</p>
+<p class="i4">But let them "show"</p>
+<p class="i2">And be you shrewd and bonny,</p>
+<p>Converting all their "<i>Tout ce qu'il faut</i>"</p>
+<p class="i2">Into&mdash;"<i>Pas, si je connais</i>!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+ <hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>"TEARS, IDLE TEARS!"</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Punch's</span> picture, "When the Cat's Away!"</p>
+<p>Seems to have effect! The brutal "play"</p>
+<p>Of young ruffians, in at least two cases,</p>
+<p>Whipping has rewarded. What long faces</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Trotter</span> pulls! With his mild creed it clashes.</p>
+<p>Sentiment's eyes are wet&mdash;about the <i>lashes</i>!</p>
+<p>Howling brutes make mollycoddles snivel.</p>
+<p>Let the ruffians rail, their champions drivel.</p>
+<p>Brutalising to chastise brutality?</p>
+<p>'Tis the merest blind sentimentality.</p>
+<p>Feeble men and helpless women save</p>
+<p>From the roughs, and let the weepers rave!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari,
+December 2, 1893, by Various
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, December 2,
+1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, December 2, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: April 22, 2012 [EBook #39505]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 2, 1893 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+book was created from images of public domain material
+made available by the University of Toronto Libraries
+(http://link.library.utoronto.ca/booksonline/).)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Punch, or the London Charivari
+
+Volume 105, December 2, 1893.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+TO A LADY.
+
+(_Whose "Fringe" has fallen off at a Ball._)
+
+  Alas! those waving curls,
+    That parting on your brow,
+  Had been some other girl's!
+    "Vhere ish dot barting now?"
+
+  Like BREITMANN'S barty gone
+    Avay in _ewigkeit_,
+  Those curls which you put on
+    To grace the ball to-night.
+
+  Too feeble were the pins,
+    Too frisky were your hops;
+  Derisive are the grins,
+    Departing parting drops.
+
+  A parting, this, that shocks
+    Beholders evermore;
+  You dare not claim those locks
+    Now lying on the floor.
+
+  I used to think them fair,
+    I find them false instead;
+  If thus you lose your hair,
+    I shall not lose my head.
+
+  Nor certainly my heart--
+    With that I should not care
+  So readily to part
+    As you with purchased hair.
+
+  We kick those curls aside.
+    Your looks and locks have fled,
+  Then hasten home to hide
+    Your much diminished head.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DON PEDRO D'ALCANTARA LE COMTE D'EU is eighteen. He is pursuing his
+studies at a Military Academy, speaks German fairly well, and in his
+leisure hours is, we are informed, "studying Polish." The latter being
+acquired, he will become a most polish'd Prince. He is so very well
+off that he will not have to go to Brazil for a crown.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC THRIFT.
+
+SCENE--_Entrance-hall at the Browns, after one of their Parties._
+
+_Jones_ (_the last to depart, as usual_). "WHAT A DELICIOUS DRINK,
+WAITER! WHAT _IS_ IT!"
+
+_Waiter._ "THE LEAVINGS, SIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRINCE ALEXANDER OF BATTENBERG.
+
+  Europe's Prince Charming, lion-like, born to dare,
+  Betrayed by the black treacherous Northern Bear!
+  Soldier successful vainly, patriot foiled,
+  Wooer discomfited, and hero spoiled!
+  Triumphant champion of Slivnitza's field,
+  To sordid treachery yet doomed to yield;
+  Of gallant heart and high-enduring strain,
+  Valiant resultlessly, victor in vain!
+  Motley career of mingled shine and shame,
+  Material fashioned for romantic fame!
+  An age more chivalrous you should have seen,
+  When brutal brokers, and when bagmen keen,
+  Shamed not the sword and blunted not the lance.
+  Then had you been true Hero of Romance.
+  Now, when to Mammon Mars must bow his crest,
+  King-errantry seems a Quixotic quest,
+  And "unfulfilled renown" finds only--early rest!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VALETUDINARIAN'S VISDOM.
+
+  Evening red and morning grey
+  Makes _me_ by the fireside stay.
+  Evening grey and morning red
+  Finds _me_ tucked up all day in bed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURIOUS BUT TRUE.--So particular are the Worshipful Company of
+Fishmongers to have everything in order, that they have this year
+elected as Prime Warden a fine SALMON (ROBERT H.).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+"With the New Year," says a Baronite, "there is a great desire to
+turn over a new leaf." Such intentions are easily satisfied by
+the _Back-Loop Pocket Diaries_, where leaves for this purpose are
+plentifully supplied by JOHN WALKER & CO. Likewise DE LA RUE & CO.
+offer Diaries and Memorandum Books in every size and form, and this
+year they have a patent clip to keep the leaf down. Ought to be
+advertised as "clipping!"
+
+The Baron's Baronites look into a box of Christmas books and find,
+first--_Westward with Columbus_. By GORDON STABLES, M.D.C.M. Graphic
+account. "STABLES must have been in excellent form when writing this,"
+observes a Baronite; "evidently he was not Livery Stables."--_Wreck of
+the Golden Fleece._ By ROBERT LEIGHTON. A capital sea story, plenty
+of rocks and wrecks, hardships and plague-ships, and all sorts of
+wonderful adventures.--_The White Conquerors of Mexico_, by KIRK
+MUNROE, tells how CORTES and his Spaniards, being white, did MONTEZUMA
+and his Aztic natives brown.--_With the Sea Kings._ F. H. WINDER. The
+youthful amateur salt will find everything here to satisfy all his
+cravings and _See-kings_. "_Winder_ has taken great _panes_ with
+this," says Baronitess.
+
+"My clients," quoth the Baron, "will do well to read BARING-GOULD'S
+cheap _Jack Zita_." Fascinating book by reason of its picturesque
+effects and its description of life in the Fens at the commencement of
+the present century. "I wonder," muses the Baron, "whether any of my
+readers, being Cantabs, will call to mind how some thirty-five years
+ago the names of those eminent amateur pugilists J-CK SH-FF-LD,
+F-RG-SS-N D-V-E, L-NN-X C-NN-NGH-M, and others were associated with
+life in the Fens as it existed at that time, and how these pupils of
+NAT LANGHAM'S now and again disputed the championship of a certain Fen
+Tavern, won it, and for a time held it? Some undergraduates were hand
+and glove with the Fenners--not the cricket-ground, so styled, but the
+dwellers in Fen-land; and on occasion they were hand to hand without
+the 'glove.'" Why this question? "Because," says the Baron, "one of
+the scenes so graphically described in the chapter, headed 'Burnt
+Hats,' might have been witnessed at the time I have referred to by
+any undergraduate sufficiently venturesome to accompany those
+fisticuffers." As for the plot, well, 'tis a good plot, and has always
+been a good plot, and "twill serve, 'twill serve." But it is the
+BARING-GOULD flavouring that makes the dish acceptable to the jaded
+palate of oldest novel-devourer.
+
+  BARON DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD LUCK TO IT!
+
+(_To Mr. Caine and his Bill prohibiting advertisements in rural
+places._)
+
+  Oh, Mr. CAINE, for this relief much thanks.
+  As most benignant benefactor ranks
+  The man who saves our own sweet countryside--
+  At once our chiefest glory and our pride--
+  From all the many nauseating ills
+  Which come out of advertisements of pills!
+  Pills there must be, but when we chance to pass
+  Through meadows and would rest our eyes on grass,
+  Or pleasantly meander by the river,
+  We would forget we've even got a liver.
+  So here's success to you, Sir, in your Bill
+  To make it wrong to advertise a pill
+  In rural spots in which we fondly now
+  Associate "three acres and a cow!"
+  And when success this rural venture yields,
+  Do for the beaches what's done for the fields!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"INVISIBLE TROUSER STRETCHERS."--Legs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BABES ON THE TREASURY BENCH.
+
+(_With Mr. Punch's Thanks to Mr. Courtney for the Suggestion. Vide
+Times, Parliamentary Report, Wednesday, November 22._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TRANSMITTED."
+
+_Ignorant Bachelor Visitor._ "HULLO, THROGMORTON; WHAT THE DEUCE ARE
+YOUR TWINS UP TO WITH THAT CONTRIVANCE?"
+
+_Proud Father (of Throgmorton, Threadneedle & Co.; Telephone
+123456-1/4)._ "HA! THERE YOU ARE, MY BOY--MARVELLOUS EXAMPLE OF
+INHERITED BUSINESS INSTINCT! THEY'RE TRYING TO TELEPHONE TO EACH
+OTHER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BABES ON THE TREASURY BENCH.
+
+    ["The leader of the Opposition had treated them to good
+    logic, but why administer such strong meat to the babes on the
+    Treasury bench?"--_Mr. Courtney on the Parish Councils Bill._]
+
+  We have heard of the Babes in the Wood,
+    And the ruffians greedy and cruel,
+  Who (as INGOLDSBY said in gay mood)
+    Conspired for to "give them their gruel";
+  But pitiful bosoms will blench
+    At this vision of BALFOUR the sinister,
+  To Babes on the Treasury Bench
+    Presuming his dose to administer!
+  They find Doctor BALFOUR, one fears,
+    Worse than poor _Davy Copperfield's Creakle_;
+  As awful as grim _Mrs. Squeers_
+    With her jorum of brimstone and treacle.
+  Ah, COURTNEY, how _could_ you conceive
+    A picture so Mephistophelian?
+  Your buzzum is stone, I believe,
+    And your heart must be truly a steely 'un!
+  Sweet Babes! They seem likely to choke!
+    Poor GLADDY! Poor JOHNNIE! Poor WILLY!
+  ARTHUR'S "logic" is tougher than "toke,"
+    And much more insipid than "skilly."
+  Strong meat? How your irony _you_ barb,
+    Your humour's as grim as the gallows.
+  Your dose is as drastic as rhubarb,
+    And almost as bitter as aloes.
+  Logic? For Babes? On that Bench?
+    You're as hard as the Poles' "whiskered pandour."
+  You might as well set out to drench
+    Your own Opposition with--candour!
+  The Treasury Babes may object
+    To prescriptions from MILL or from WHEWELL,
+  And logical draughts, I expect,
+    Would very soon give _you_ your gruel.
+  If COURTNEY could physic himself,
+    Or BALFOUR and he dose each other,
+  How soon both would lay on the shelf
+    This prescription, and try quite another!
+  No; Reason, as party-strife goes,
+    As food is attractive to no men:
+  And Logic's a nauseous dose,
+    To be given--as physic--to foemen!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"What author was it," inquired Mrs. R. of a literary friend, "who
+wrote the line describing going to bed as '_that last infirmity of
+noble minds_'?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HARK! I HEAR THE SOUND OF COACHES."
+
+    ["There are still five of the road-coaches running out of
+    London."--_Daily News, Nov. 18._]
+
+  If drooping with toil, or aught else, I or
+  You may spring up with "Excelsior!"
+
+  As up to the box-seat one climbs,
+  "How pleasant," one murmurs, "'Old Times!'"
+
+  Times equally good, we'll engage,
+  Have others who go with "The Age."
+
+  Though outlooks to-morrow be livid,
+  Hold tight now a joy that is "Vivid."
+
+  "_Post equitem?_" Ah! his reliance,
+  At least, wasn't placed on "Defiance."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATHER FAMILIAR!--It was announced in the _Times_ that "Canon G. F.
+BROWNE will lecture at St. Paul's, in January," on "_The Christian
+Church before the coming of Augustus_." The Canon ought to have said
+"_Sir_ AUGUSTUS." Of course there is only one "AUGUSTUS," _i.e._ our
+"DRURIOLANUS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNDER THE ROSE.
+
+(_A Story in Scenes._)
+
+SCENE XVII.--_The Drawing-room at Hornbeam Lodge._ CURPHEW _and_
+ALTHEA _are standing at some distance from one another, in evident
+constraint_.
+
+_Curphew (sadly)._ It's only what I expected, and yet--tell me
+this--is it entirely because of--of what you saw at the Eldorado last
+Saturday?
+
+_Althea._ Ah, you _know_, then! but what does it matter now? I was
+mistaken--isn't that enough?
+
+_Curph._ Don't judge me by what you saw of WALTER WILDFIRE. I can do
+better things than that. I can make you forget _him_--forget that he
+ever existed, if only you will trust me!
+
+_Alth. (indignantly)._ Do you really suppose that he--that I--oh, it's
+_too_ insulting! And you will do no good by disparaging _him_. The man
+who could write those songs, and sing them like that----
+
+_Curph. (wincing)._ Don't! I know how they must have struck you. I
+would have prepared you, if I could. I _did_ try--that afternoon at
+the station, but I was interrupted. And now it's too late, and the
+harm's done. But at least you will never see WALTER WILDFIRE again!
+
+_Alth. (exasperated)._ Have I ever said that I _wanted_ to? Why will
+you persist in talking as if----? Once for all, I _can't_ care for
+you; whatever I may have thought once, I know now that I can have no
+sympathy with the sort of life you lead; the pleasures you are content
+with would not satisfy me; I should want more than you could ever give
+me. We should have nothing in common--nothing----There, _now_ do you
+understand?
+
+_Curph._ Yes, I think I do. I suppose it's natural, and yet--don't
+think too hardly of me if you can help it. I might have chosen a
+higher walk than I did, but at least I've kept out of the mire, and
+now at last I see my way to----But that wouldn't interest you. There,
+I had better say good-bye: you won't refuse to give me your hand at
+parting, will you?
+
+    [_As he takes her hand_, Mrs. TOOVEY _enters with_ CHARLES,
+    _and stands transfixed._
+
+_Mrs. Toovey._ ALTHEA, don't tell me I'm too late! You have not
+accepted that man?
+
+_Curph._ (_releasing_ ALTHEA'S _hand_). On the contrary, I have just
+had my dismissal, Mrs. TOOVEY; we were merely saying good-bye.
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Thank Heaven! But I knew I could trust _my_ daughter
+to detect instinctively the designing serpent in wolf's
+clothing--(_correcting herself angrily_)--the sheep in dove's plumage,
+I _should_ say.
+
+_Charles (sotto voce)._ Similes are cheap to-day!
+
+_Mrs. Toov. (more angrily still)._ Well, _I_ know what I mean, and so
+does he! (Mr. TOOVEY _enters_.) And how a person with Mr. CURPHEW'S
+antecedents could ever have the face to thrust himself into such a
+household as this----
+
+_Mr. Toov. (coming forward)._ CORNELIA, my love! Such language to our
+dear young friend! Surely, surely, there must be some sad mistake!
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ There has been indeed, Pa, and so you will say when you
+hear who and what he really is!
+
+_Curph._ Mr. TOOVEY has been quite aware of it for the last week, and
+was kind enough to say he saw no insuperable objection.
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Pa, is this true? You knew who Mr. CURPHEW was and never
+told me!
+
+_Mr Toov._ My dear, I've no more notion who he is, if he's not Mr.
+CURPHEW, than a babe un----
+
+_Curph._ But surely, Sir, you forget our conversation at Clapham
+Junction this day week? You certainly knew everything _then_. I
+thought your nephew had probably----
+
+_Charles._ I'd no idea of it myself till last Saturday, so it couldn't
+have been _me_!
+
+_Alth. (impatiently)._ No idea of _what_? Who _is_ Mr. CURPHEW, Papa?
+
+_Curph. (to her, in astonishment)._ But you know! surely you know?
+What else have we been talking about?
+
+_Mr. Toov. (helplessly)._ I think we might try to be a little more
+clear, all of us. I do indeed. I'm in a perfect fog myself.
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Then, Pa, let me inform you that you have been
+encouraging the acquaintance of a person who gains his living by
+singing ribald songs at music-halls under the name of WALTER WILDFIRE!
+
+_Alth. (to herself)._ WALTER WILDFIRE! Then it was----Oh, if I had
+known!
+
+_Mr. Toov._ A--a music-hall singer! He! Oh, dear, _dear_ me; _how_ one
+may be deceived in people!
+
+_Curph._ Really, Sir, this can hardly be news to you, when you allowed
+me to send you a box for the Eldorado for the express purpose of----
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Don't deny you were sent the box, Pa, because I know
+better. The question is--what you wanted one at all for?
+
+_Mr. Toov. (to himself)._ There's no occasion to say anything about
+those shares now! (_Aloud._) To be sure. I _was_ sent a ticket, my
+love; I could not help that, but (_drawing himself up_) it was not
+likely that I should compromise myself by visiting such a place, even
+from the best of motives, and I did not use the ticket myself, though
+I believe some other person did.
+
+_Mrs. Toov. (in some distress)._ Well, well, never mind that now, Pa.
+What _you_ have to do is to ask this Mr. WILDFIRE to oblige us all by
+walking out of this house--for ever.
+
+_Curph._ I should not have stayed so long as this, only I hoped that
+Mr. TOOVEY at least would have done me the justice---- However, I've
+nothing to keep me here any longer now.
+
+    [_He moves towards the door._
+
+_Alth. (coming forward and intercepting him)._ Yes, you have--you've
+_me_. Oh, do you think I'll let you go like this--now I _know_? Can't
+you understand what a difference it makes?
+
+    [_She clings to his arm._
+
+[Illustration: "Can't you understand what a difference it makes?"]
+
+_Charles._ Bravo, THEA! I always knew you were a sensible girl!
+
+_Curph. (utterly bewildered)._ Then you weren't--you don't----? I
+wonder if I can be awake!
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ ALTHEA, if you had the remotest conception of what a
+music-hall singer _is_, you would never----
+
+_Alth._ I know what Mr. CURPHEW is, Mamma. He is a great artist, a
+genius; he can hold a mixed crowd of careless people spell-bound
+while he sings, make them laugh, cry, shudder, just as he chooses,
+and whatever he does is all so natural and human and real, and--oh, I
+can't put it into proper words, but one goes away thinking better of
+the whole world after it--and to hear him treated as if he were some
+outcast--oh, I can't bear it!
+
+    [_She breaks down._
+
+_Curph. (to himself)._ I don't care what happens now. They can't take
+_this_ away!
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ Upon my word! And pray where did you learn all this about
+Mr. WILDFIRE'S performances?
+
+_Alth. (boldly)._ Where, Mamma? Why, at the Eldorado, last Saturday
+evening.
+
+    [_Sudden collapse of_ Mrs. TOOVEY.
+
+_Mr. Toov. (electrified)._ A daughter of mine at the Eldorado! THEA,
+my child, you _can't_ know what you are talking about; look at the
+effect on your poor mother!
+
+_Alth. (desperately)._ But indeed, Papa, there was no harm in it, I
+went with the MERRIDEWS. And--and I may be mistaken, of course, but
+I--I thought I saw _Mamma_ there too!
+
+    [_Sensation._
+
+_Charles._ Oh, I say, THEA; aren't you coming it _rather_ strong? Aunt
+at the Eldorado! Why, Aunt thought _Uncle_ was there!
+
+_Mr. Toov._ CORNELIA, my love, don't pay any attention to her; the
+child must be stark staring mad to say such things. It's bad enough
+that _she_ should have gone; but to think of _you_ in such a scene!
+(_To_ ALTHEA.) Why, it was that very Saturday evening that your dear
+mother went to the Zenana Meeting at Mrs. CUMBERBATCH'S--yes, to be
+sure. (_To_ Mrs. T.) You remember, my dear, how you came home so
+late, in a cab the driver had been smoking in, and how the moment you
+entered the room I----
+
+_Mrs. Toov. (hastily)._ My dear THEOPHILUS, I remember the
+circumstances perfectly, but I should not condescend to answer so
+preposterous a charge; especially when it is my own daughter who
+brings it!
+
+_Alth._ (_in distress_). But indeed I don't Mamma. I only fancied
+it _might_ have been you, and of course, if you were at the
+CUMBERBATCHES----
+
+_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). I must put a stop to this once and for
+all. (_Aloud_.) _If_ I was at the CUMBERBATCHES! When your father
+has just _told_ you I was there--really, ALTHEA! Did I hear wheels
+outside? Just look, Pa. I haven't seen my spectacles since Saturday.
+
+_Mr. Toov._ (_at the window_). Why, really, my love, it does seem to
+be a carriage, indeed. I wonder who can be calling at such a----Now,
+it's quite a coincidence, truly--it's dear Mrs. CUMBERBATCH! I hope
+she'll come in, because I really think it's a duty to warn her against
+employing that particular cabman again. A driver who permits himself
+to smoke inside his own vehicle to that extent----
+
+    [Mrs. TOOVEY _makes ineffectual efforts to speak_.
+
+_Alth._ (_in a whisper, to_ CURPHEW). Do look at Mamma! You don't
+think she could really----?
+
+_Curph._ I don't know what to think yet; but we shall all know in a
+very few seconds now.
+
+    [_The hall-door is heard to open; Mrs. TOOVEY attempts to
+    rise, but has to remain in her seat, dumb and paralysed_.
+
+END OF SCENE XVII.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOBENGULA'S LETTER-BAG.
+
+(_Post-mark, Regent's Park_.)
+
+Shall be glad to engage you for the Gardens. You will be expected to
+look after the elephants and to make yourself generally useful with
+the lions and tigers. As the Christmas holidays are approaching,
+perhaps you might invent a little comic scene with the crocodiles. A
+similar feature was supplied years ago by the French sailor in charge
+of the seals with much effect. Of course we shall be glad if your
+knowledge of the idiosyncrasies of the ourang-outang enables you
+to suggest anything that could be worked up into a comic interlude.
+Please bear in mind that the Gardens want waking up, and you have
+a big opportunity. You would have Sunday off every other week. The
+Gardens would reserve to themselves the right of regulating your
+costume. Your boots and straw-hat may be ample in Africa, but in
+the Regent's Park would be considered inappropriate. We think we can
+clothe you in the very thing, if we can find a size large enough for
+you. It is called "the boy's home-for-the-holidays lounging suit," and
+is largely advertised. Shall expect you by next boat.
+
+(_Post-mark, Westminster_). Glad to engage you for a month certain,
+with power to increase the time to six weeks or longer. Could you
+bring with you a pugilistic hippopotamus? It must be a young one, as
+there is not much room for any side-shows. If you can jump, and don't
+mind water, so much the better. If you would leap from the
+organ-loft into a tank on to the stage, carrying on your back the
+boxing-kangaroo, the feat might be accepted, and prove a feature.
+Think this over on the journey to England. Perhaps something may
+occur to you. If so, mind that we are deeply respected, and are highly
+popular with the L. C. C. So please let your suggestions be as refined
+as possible.
+
+(_Post-mark, Paternoster Row_). Shall be glad to arrange with you for
+the immediate production of your Recollections. Would be glad if they
+were written in a bright, chatty style. You might give an account
+of your connection with literary celebrities, torturers, scientific
+expeditions, executions, sport in the far East, native war, and other
+topics of interest that may have come under your personal observation.
+If you could write up to some electros we have of a comic German
+Christmas party so much the better. As the success of the book is
+doubtful, we do not wish to incur unnecessary expense, and therefore
+would be glad if you could see your way to introducing the following
+blocks, of which we hold the copyright:--Covent Garden by Moonlight,
+A Spanish Bull Fight, An Execution in front of the Old Bailey, A
+Students' Ball in the Quartier Latin, H.R.H. opening a Newly-erected
+Board-School, Snipe Shooting on the Norfolk Broads, Christmas in
+a Storm at Sea, Hampstead Heath on Bank Holiday, Portrait of JOHN
+WESLEY, A Lecture on Chemistry at the Royal Polytechnic Institution,
+Exterior of the new Police Court at Bow Street, An Incident in the
+Lord Mayor's Show, "Oxford wins," VAN TROMP sailing up the Thames,
+Paris Fashions for February, Christmas Eve--the Last Omnibus, Hop
+Pickers on the March, The new Uniform of the Grenadier Guards, and the
+late Fire at the Borough Brewery. We shall be glad if you will put the
+book in hand at once, as it is scarcely necessary to say that the
+sale of a work of reminiscences depends to a large extent upon the
+popularity of its author at the moment of publication. Terms, after
+the sale of 5000 copies, one penny a volume royalty.
+
+(_Post-mark, Drury Lane._) Engage you at once for ten years. Probably
+shall not require you for more than three or four months, but shall
+retain you for the rest of the time. May come in useful later on.
+Place waiting for you in the Pantomime. Minute and a half in English
+History in twenty minutes. Also comic scene with the Clown. The
+engagement must have clause allowing transference. Can find places for
+your wives (if they are really nice ones) in the Transformation Scene.
+If you can imitate the cries &c., of wild beasts, &c., think I can get
+you a turn at the Palace. Writing a first-rate part for you in Autumn
+drama. A sort of gentlemanly demon, who appears in the West End during
+the first and third Acts, and in the last scene, appears in national
+costume with a real army and the whole bag of tricks. Bring as many of
+your army with you as you can. Can find something for them to do until
+the production of the Autumn drama. Collect a good lot of assegais and
+other useful props. May see way to working you into the Opera season.
+If you can sing, can give you a show at a concert. Might do for German
+series. Terms as per usual. Special arrangement if wanted at Windsor.
+Come over at once. On second thoughts, remain where you are. Will run
+over to have a chat. Third, and last thought, come over yourself. Find
+myself, with my engagements, just now a little pressed for time. _Au
+revoir!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NOVELTY.
+
+_Mr. Cylinder_ (_who always uses his Host's cartridges_). "WHAT POWDER
+ARE THESE LOADED WITH, MY BOY?"
+
+_Beater._ "AR DOAN'T RIGHTLY KNOW; BUT AR THINK THEY CALLS IT SERDLITZ
+POODER!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Coal and Wood.
+
+    ["_That a Board of Conciliation be constituted forthwith, to
+    last for one year at least, consisting of an equal number
+    of coalowners and miners' representatives, fourteen of
+    each_."--_Terms of the Collieries Strike Conference._]
+
+  Hooray for happy harmony so readily restored!
+  Thanks chiefly to young ROSEBERY, that shrewd and genial lord.
+  And _Mr. Punch_ is thankful, for such strikes we can't afford,
+  That in the Labour _platform_ the newest _plank_'s a _Board_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ORNITHOLOGICAL OUTBURST.
+
+    ["A specimen of the rare white-tailed eagle has just been shot
+    at Bude Haven, Cornwall."--_Daily Paper, Nov. 24._]
+
+    Ah! shades of YARRELL, MORRIS, BEWICK, WOOD,
+  Swoop down from Nephelococcygian eyrie
+      With legions of bird-phantoms,
+      Roc-ghosts and spectral bantams,
+  And venge the Vandal sporting-man's vagary,
+    Wrought on your race in Cornwall's bay of Bude!
+
+    A _Haliaetus_ he's done to death!
+  Haunt him and harry, ossifrage and osprey!
+      Hoot, owl! Croak havoc, raven!
+      He of that wave-beat haven
+  Should--like the Ancient, of the Albatross--pray
+      For tardy pardon till his latest breath!
+
+    Soon will the Sea-earn join the vanished band
+  Of Garefowl, AEpyornis, Dodo, Moa!
+      And e'en the merry mavis
+      Will rank as _rara avis_--
+  The sparrow, sole of all that sailed with NOAH,
+    Will learn the casual pot-shot to withstand!
+
+    Why surely, when rare birds are rarer made
+  By 'ARRY, or by 'ARRIET'S hat-adorner,
+      These gentry should be tethered
+      To posts, and tarred and feathered!
+  To see the balance thus redressed a mourner
+    Would _not_ be he who has these lines essayed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DISCUSSION ON WOMAN'S RIGHTS.
+
+"A--I'VE NO DOUBT YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT IN _THEORY_, LADY HYPATIA. BUT
+I'M AFRAID THAT IN PRACTICE THE WORLD AT LARGE WON'T AGREE WITH YOU."
+"WON'T IT? THEN IT OUGHTN'T TO _BE_ AT LARGE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO.
+
+(_Latest Parliamentary Version._)
+
+MR. H. FOWLER _sings_. (AIR--"_Daisy Bell._")
+
+  There's mazy misgiving upon my part,
+             Hazy, hazy,
+  Women, by WALTER M'LAREN'S art,
+             Muddle my "Mazy Bill."
+  Whether I love it or love it not,
+             Down I must gulp this pill.
+  She-suffrage complicates the plot,
+             Much, of my "Mazy Bill"!
+
+_Chorus_--
+
+      Mazy! Mazy!
+             She-Voter, sit up, do!
+      I'm half crazy,
+             All with the weight of _you_!
+      You will not be robbed by marriage
+      Of a ride on this bi-wheeled carriage.
+             You look so sweet
+             (So you think) on the seat
+      Of a Bicycle built for Two!
+
+  We must go "tandem," like man and wife!--
+             Aisy! Aisy!--
+  Am I not working away for life,
+             Driving my "Mazy Bill"?
+  Taking _you_ up, as an extra load,
+             Taxes my strength and skill.
+  Rough and up-hill is the country road,
+             Run by the "Mazy Bill."
+
+_Chorus_--
+
+      Lazy! Lazy!--
+             Spin like a "Scorcher"--_do_!
+      I'm half crazy
+             With the dead weight of you!
+      Spinster or bound in marriage,
+      You claim gratuitous carriage;
+             But--use your feet
+             If you _must_ have a seat,
+      On this Bicycle built for Two!
+
+  I must stand by you? Oh yes, _I_ know!
+             _They_ see, _they_ see,--
+  M'LAREN and STANSFELD, JESSE and JOE,--
+             I'm bound to my "Mazy Bill."
+  You'll take the lead, if I don't mistake.
+             Then, if you work your will,
+  Who will there be to put on the brake,
+             Working my "Mazy Bill"?
+
+_Chorus_--
+
+      Hazy! Hazy!
+             Such is the country view!
+      Squires half crazy,
+             All for sheer dread of you!
+      Maidens or marred by marriage,
+      Your sex means claiming their carriage;
+             But, I feel dead beat
+             With your weight on the seat
+      Of this Bicycle--built for Two!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CONVERSATION BOOK FOR CANDIDATES.
+
+(_When the Ladies have the Franchise._)
+
+_Voter._ Are you sure you are quite steady?
+
+_Candidate._ Quite. And I am prepared to give the best time of my life
+to the consideration of the most important----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. But do you think that a carriage is
+necessary for a wife?
+
+_C._ Certainly, and it would be a grievance if she had not one. By a
+development of the trade of the country I believe that----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. And I suppose you admit the equality of
+the sexes?
+
+_C._ Undoubtedly, considering that the highest places in the
+university class lists are carried off by----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. And I suppose you, if elected, will
+have a fortune sufficiently ample to afford a house in Eaton Square,
+a place in the country, a yacht in the Solent, a box at the opera, and
+all the other necessary etceteras?
+
+_C._ Most probably. I hold it to be the duty of every legislator to
+see that his wealth is sufficient to enable him to give his individual
+time to the service of his constituents, and----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. I presume, if you married, you would
+like your wife's mother to occasionally visit her daughter?
+
+_C._ Theoretically, yes. Judging for others, I would say that no
+subject of greater interest than happy domestic arrangement could be
+imagined. I would insist that the well-being of the family circle is
+of paramount importance, and that----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. And now for my last question. If you are
+elected will you be prepared to marry my eldest daughter?
+
+_C._ That is a matter of great moment which requires the most careful
+consideration. Without absolutely pledging myself to any course of
+action, I may declare that----
+
+_V._ Thank you, that will do. And now I will examine your opponent!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PALINODE.
+
+    ["In my old Radical days."--_Mr. Chamberlain._]
+
+  Yes, I once was a smart little Rad
+    Who talked about "lilies" and "ransom."
+  Those views, which were shallow and mad,
+    I retract, in a manner most handsome.
+  Eh? "Skeletons," "Armchairs"? Oh no!
+    I hold they are traitors or sillies,
+  Who talk (like the juvenile JOE)
+    About skeletons, ransom, and lilies!
+        Ri fol de rol liddle lol dol!
+
+  I _might_ be indulging to-day
+    In the rampant and rancorous Rad's tone,
+  Swearing "lilies" full "ransom" must pay,
+    If it hadn't a-been for that GLADSTONE!
+  _He_ serves as a warning to _me_,
+    A sort of political helot;
+  But, thanks to old W. G.,
+    I'm no longer a radical zealot!
+        Ri fol de rol liddle lol dol!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO."
+
+["If he (Mr. FOWLER) understood the decision of the House correctly on
+this subject, it was this--that the disqualification of married women
+should cease, that was to say, where a woman was otherwise qualified,
+and was on an existing register, and, as such, entitled to vote, she
+should not be disqualified by reason of being a married woman.... It
+was a decision which the Government would endeavour to carry out....
+He should propose to insert a new clause removing the disqualification
+of married women altogether."--_Mr. H. Fowler in the Debate on the
+Parish Councils Bill_.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT'S PUZZEL.
+
+I've had a Puzzel put into my hands by a heminent Common Councilman
+which has puzzeld me orfully, but which he says is as plane as the
+hobjects of a County Counsellor. It is as follows:--
+
+  "Amalgamation is Wexation,
+    Unefecation is as Bad,
+  The Royal Commission puzzels me,
+    And their practises drives me Mad!"
+
+In course the hole thing is a Commondrum to a pore Waiter like me; but
+my frend tells me that it all means, that as the City Copperation is
+the popularest body in all the hole Country, and the London County
+Counsel about the most unpopularest, as they are allers a hinterfering
+unnessasarily with the comforts and amusements of some class or other
+of the peeple, they acshally has the hordasity to propose that the
+grand old Copperation shoud be abolished altogether, and ancient
+Gildhall and the honored Manshun House, with all their sacred
+contents, handed over to the County Counsellors! and that in future
+there shoud be no reel City of London, but that all the hole place,
+with its five millions of peeple, shoud be muddled up together, and
+put under the loving care of the London County Counsel!
+
+Well, I do happen to have a pretty large acquaintance one way and
+another, and I wentures to say, most truthfully, that I haven't come
+across one singel one on 'em but what has ether amost bust hisself
+with larfter, or amost screamed hisself hoarse with hindignation, when
+I have told him my almost unposserbel tail!
+
+I did wenture to ask the Common Councilman, the other day, whether he
+reelly thort as there was any possibility of such a hideous skeme a
+being carried out, when we all knowd what a splendid caracter the
+old Copperation had borne for ages past for Generossity, for
+Horsepitallerty, and for Eddication. His arnser was, "My dear ROBERT,
+we lives in sitch rum times that one hesitates to say that any
+habsurdity is impossible, but the great trust of all of us is, that
+should things get to the werry worst, and ewen the House of Commons
+throw us over--tho I have heard their great Leader himself declare, in
+Gildhall itself, that the history of the City Copperation reflected an
+amount of credit upon those who had governed it for generations that
+it would be differcult to surpass--the same nobel and hindependent
+Body as only a few munse ago saved the country from disruption, and
+thereby raised themselves greatly in the estimation of all thinking
+men, would again step forward and save the grate Capital from such a
+ridickulus, and contemtible, and silly absurditty as was never equaled
+in the history of the world!"
+
+Ah, well, these was nice comforting words for me to hear, and sent me
+about my ofishal dooties with quite renewed wiggour, and when shortly
+afterwards I wentured to repeat them to one of the most importantest
+of our gests, he turned round and acshally shook my hand, and
+exclaimed, "Ah, my good ROBERT, we may trust to them, for many and
+many a time have I heard some of our gratest men exclaim, 'Thank God
+we have a House of Lords!'"
+
+  ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF THE "MAXIMS" OF CIVILISATION!
+
+[Illustration: OLD AND NEW.
+
+"Think of the glorious Mottoes," said a Major of the old school.
+"'_Nil Desperandum_,' 'Death or Victory,' 'England Expects,' and so
+forth!" Replied his friend, the modern Captain, "Bother your Mottoes!
+Give us the 'Maxims'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Flibbertigibbet."
+
+  The fiend that now urges to--pen flippant novels
+    Is modern _Poor Tom's_ modish _Modo_,[*]
+  The work that in cynical worldliness grovels
+    Will soon be extinct as the Dodo!
+
+[Footnote *: See _King Lear_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HISTORY (NEARLY) REPEATS ITSELF."
+
+(_A Peep into the Future._)
+
+There was a general strike. The playing fields were deserted, and
+trade was at a standstill. Not a cricket-ball or a foot-ball had
+been made for months, and the lawn-tennis industry was paralyzed. The
+papers of the day urged the Government to intervene. "After all, it
+was only a matter of figures. Surely a compromise might be reached.
+If players would only meet payers, all would be well." So a Cabinet
+Council was held, and the most popular Member of the Ministry was
+selected as arbitrator. The name was well-received by both sides, and
+all seemed _en train_ for a satisfactory settlement.
+
+"We must have a proper salary," said a representative of the foot-ball
+profession: "if we don't, we shall have to give it up, and take to
+soldiering, doctoring, brief-accepting, and the rest of it."
+
+There was a murmur of disapproval at this suggestion. Was foot-ball
+to perish because its professors could not get a "living wage"? No, a
+thousand times no!
+
+Then the Minister suggested that he had better hear the complaints of
+the men, the women, and the children. So the cricketers, the golfers,
+the polo-players, and the lovers of lawn-tennis spoke at length.
+
+"And what may you want young lady?" asked the arbitrator, with a
+smile.
+
+"I must be paid for taking my doll for a walk," replied a small girl
+of six or seven. "I have to keep the toy perambulator in repair, and
+when Rose falls on her nose, I have to get her face replaced. How am
+I to bear these expenses if I receive nothing? It is impossible,
+unreasonable!"
+
+"And I, too," cried a schoolboy. "How can I trundle my hoop or play at
+marbles if I am not allowed something for my time?"
+
+And there were other complaints. Everyone wanted a wage, and the cries
+for salaries waxed louder and louder.
+
+Then the Minister asked for a few minutes' grace, and began writing.
+After he had finished his despatch, he put it in an envelope, and
+requested someone to read it when he had taken his departure. Then he
+went away.
+
+"Dear me!" said the person to whom the despatch had been entrusted.
+"This is highly unsatisfactory. I find the arbitrator has resigned
+without making an award, and has left the matter in the hands of Lord
+ROSEBERY."
+
+Then there was a cry of sorrow. For it was known that as Lord ROSEBERY
+had had quite enough of conflicts between capital and labour, he would
+certainly refuse to be dragged into another quarrel.
+
+So the war went on between players and payers, and "Merrie England"
+became a byword of reproach in the comity of nations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Popular Idea of the Costume of a Member of the Bar on
+"Grand Day."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MATURE CHARMS.
+
+  MAIDEN slim and fair, with the golden hair,
+    So eager to snare with the knowing glance
+  Of your eyes so bright, and to waltz all night
+    With that step so light in the mazy dance,
+
+  Years ago, I swear, we once met somewhere;
+    We danced--you take care to forget that ball--
+  And my arm embraced that wasp's whalebone waist,
+    So cruelly laced, so absurdly small!
+
+  But then I declare you had nut-brown hair,
+    The colour's still there just down at the roots;
+  You are "fancy free," full of girlish glee,
+    But you're forty-three I would bet my boots.
+
+  Your beauty is rare, but I am aware
+    That face you prepare, that vile waist you buy,
+  Which corsets to civilised women give,
+    And hairdressers live so that you may dye.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO POLITE!!
+
+_Slim nervous Gent_ (_pulling up at a regular facer_). "HOLD HARD, YOU
+BRUTE! 'LADIES FIRST!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BALLAD.
+
+  I wish I could write romantic rot,
+    Like the beautiful songs they sing
+  At Ballad Concerts; why should I not
+    Attempt such a simple thing?
+  This metre's just right. Here goes!--The moon
+    Shone sad o'er the silvered waves,
+  The nightingale trilled 'neath that night of June,
+    Where the river the primrose laves.
+
+  (That's good, though hazy the sense may seem,
+    No primrose would bloom at the time;
+  The river "laves" it, not it the stream;
+    "Moon" and "June" makes a clumsy rhyme.)
+  Upon the terrace a maiden fair
+    Was gazing the waters o'er,
+  And dreaming of vows of love she ne'er
+    Would hear, as in days of yore.
+
+  ("Days of yore," that's fine.) And her soft, sad eyes
+    Looked up at the starry night,
+  She kissed a fair ruby ring, with sighs,
+    Which shone on her fingers white.
+  (You put the words as it suits you best;
+    The adjective need not be
+  Before the noun.) On her heaving breast
+    A red, red rose you could see.
+
+  (That is if you had been there.) She wept;
+    To-night must her lover go.
+  The rose was awake, though the pimpernel slept.
+    (Bagged from TENNYSON, don't you know?)
+  The silent stream whispered scarce a sign,
+    Ere it swept past the willows grey.
+  (The sense is vague, though the sound is fine;
+    What it means even I can't say.)
+
+  Alas! alas! red, red rose, bright ring!
+    Red rose, cherished ring, alas!
+  (Such bosh sounds beautiful when you sing.)
+    A hush lay over the grass.
+  (I'm hanged if I know what a "hush" may be.
+    It's something pathetic, sublime.)
+  The nightingale warbled upon the tree.
+    O rose-scented summertime!
+
+  He came, and pressed to his manly heart
+    The maid 'neath the pale moonbeams
+  (Don't mind if accents are wrong); they part!
+    In (excellent rhyme) her dreams
+  The joy of that passionate farewell kiss
+    To the silent tomb she bore.
+  (I could easily write you a mile of this,
+    But you probably want no more.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LA FIN DU SEA-AIGLE(!!)."--The _Standard_ informs us that--
+
+    "A specimen of the white-tailed, or sea eagle, has just been
+    shot at Bude Haven, Cornwall. The bird weighed nearly eight
+    pounds, and the extended wings measure between seven and eight
+    feet from tip to tip."
+
+Now, "next please," and let us have the "Very last of the Sea
+Serpent!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday Night, November 20._--Rumour current
+to-night that Ballykilbeg is in the market. Ballykilbeg is the
+manorial seat of one of the most ancient and honourable Irish
+families, long settled in County Down. The O'HNSTONS were in the train
+of BORRHOIMI when he first essayed, and succeeded in, the difficult
+task of forming a United Ireland. JAKE O'HNSTON is a name that lingers
+lovingly in tradition of Youngest Ireland. Gradually, being always on
+the people's lips, it began to take a new form. J. O'HNSTON naturally
+became JOHNSTON; but Ballykilbeg was always there. To-day House of
+Commons contains no more esteemed Member than he who is known as
+JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg. A man of war breathing battle, ever ready
+to take his place amongst the corpses in the last ditch, JOHNSTON of
+Ballykilbeg off the platform in Ulster, or off his legs in House of
+Commons, is the mildest-mannered man that ever proposed to broil a
+brother for conscience' sake.
+
+Quite a sensation at prospect of dissevering JOHNSTON from
+Ballykilbeg. Glad to hear there's nothing, or little, in it.
+Arises out of circumstance that JOHNSTON has approached Mr. G. with
+suggestion that Treasury shall purchase an estate in Ireland, and
+there plant out the Duke of YORK. If the Duke, making a survey of
+Ireland, should find no more attractive place than Ballykilbeg,
+the descendant of the O'HNSTONS is not the man to allow personal
+predilections or old associations to stand in the way of gratification
+of Royal desire. It might come to pass that the Crowned Heads of
+Europe would welcome at their courts YORK of Ballykilbeg, whilst the
+last of the O'HNSTONS would be content to house his loyal head under
+alien roof. That, however, not a prospect in view when he moved in the
+matter. There is surely room between the seas that circle Ireland for
+the Duke of YORK and JOHNSTON still at Ballykilbeg.
+
+[Illustration: Johnson of Ballykilbeg escorting the Duke of York.]
+
+_Business done._--Clause I. added to Parish Councils Bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS.--No. 5. HUNTING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Tuesday_.--Parish Councils on again. That was order of day, but human
+ingenuity dragged in other matters. First Woman's Suffrage, on which
+there was livelier debate than has yet arisen in Committee on this
+Bill. Last Thursday WALTER M'LAREN raised question in form of
+an Instruction. Government resisting were beaten, the Opposition
+coalescing with revolting Radicals. Now, as SQUIRE OF MALWOOD puts
+it, the Government, kissing the rod, accept injunction; undertake to
+embody M'LAREN'S Amendment in Bill. Pretty to see air of doubt and
+hesitation that hereupon comes over ingenuous faces on Opposition
+benches. If HENRY FOWLER had put his back up, declared that Woman
+delighted him not, nor WALTER M'LAREN either, Opposition would again
+have joined forces with Radicals, and Government would once more have
+suffered defeat. Since they resolved to obey Instruction carried by
+majority last Thursday, PRINCE ARTHUR shakes his head; EDWARD STANHOPE
+shows this is quite another pair of sleeves; whilst JOSEPH, back
+bronzed from breezy Bahamas, bluntly says he will oppose new Clause
+HENRY FOWLER has promised to bring in.
+
+"It is the duty of an Opposition to oppose," says PRINCE ARTHUR; "and
+I did not for several Sessions sit at feet of OLD MORALITY without
+being impressed with imperative sense of duty."
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Courtney explains the Puzzle.]
+
+Later, when this difficulty temporarily out of way and it seemed
+progress with Clause might be made. Proportional Representation was
+dragged in neck and crop. COURTNEY took charge of the puzzle business,
+and tried to explain it. No prizes offered, and attention a little
+slack. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD defined the theory in admirable phrase. "It
+is," he said, "an ingenious system by which a man is to vote for
+a person he does not prefer in order to secure a majority for some
+purpose he does not understand." Can't better that; leaves nothing
+else to say. Nevertheless, much was said; talked by the hour; finally
+a division, in which Government majority, rarely falling below three
+score and ten, stood at 72.
+
+_Business done._--Something of the debating society order.
+
+_Thursday night._--Things coming to a pretty pass if TOMLINSON is not
+to offer a few observations on third reading of Employers' Liability
+Bill without an arrogant Minister moving the Closure. Apart from
+consideration of individual liberty and freedom of speech, House would
+have suffered special disappointment if SPEAKER had accepted ASQUITH'S
+suggestion and submitted question of Closure. Finding TOMLINSON on
+his feet at this juncture it naturally thought he had, in interval,
+discovered what his amendments moved last week in Committee on Bill
+meant, and was seizing this opportunity of explaining them. He didn't;
+but that was all ASQUITH'S fault. Enough to cow any man rising at
+ten minutes to twelve and having pistol held to his head in shape of
+motion for the Closure.
+
+Just at the time when TOMLINSON was coming to his explanation, hand of
+clock touched five minutes to twelve. He might still have used up
+at least four minutes; being flurried, he sat down; and now we shall
+never know what his amendments were designed to accomplish. Happily
+there was time left for MATTHEWS to soundly rate ASQUITH for his
+attempt to Closure TOMLINSON. Right hon. gentleman could scarcely
+control his tongue in the emotion under which he laboured, in
+contemplation of the attempted outrage. It would have been bad enough
+with an ordinary member. That the weighty and sententious speech of so
+eminent a statesman as the Member for Preston should have been broken
+in upon by a motion for the Closure only showed, in the ex-Home
+Secretary's opinion, how bad was the case of the Government, how
+reckless the tactics to which desperation drove them. A beautiful
+speech; almost, as TOMLINSON says, worth being snubbed by ASQUITH in
+order to elicit this eloquent testimony to modest merit.
+
+_Business done._--Employers' Liability Bill read a third time.
+
+_Friday Night._--Great advantage of habit of foreign travel ingrained
+with Members of Commons is that when erudite question comes up sure
+to be someone present who can illustrate its bearings from experience
+gained in more or less remote portions of the planet. Just now HENRY
+FOWLER moved provision in Parish Councils Bill, making it possible for
+Lovely Woman, whether married or single, to stoop to folly of being
+elected on Parish Council Board. Up jumps HORACE PLUNKETT with some
+charming reminiscences brightly told of residence in the State of
+Wyoming. In that happy land women enjoy equal political and municipal
+privileges with their brother men.
+
+"I was," said PLUNKETT, "well acquainted with a female Justice of the
+Peace. She discharged her duties, and, when necessary, a revolver."
+
+Another of PLUNKETT'S lady friends in far-off Wyoming had her domestic
+duties broken in upon by summons to attend a jury. Case proved
+protracted; husband had to stay at home and mind the baby, whilst she
+was locked up all-night with eleven good men and true.
+
+After hearing this, Committee unanimously, without division being
+challenged, agreed to FOWLER'S Amendment.
+
+_Business done._--On Clause III. Parish Council Bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE IN LONDON.
+
+  BUY no more, Ladies; buy no more;
+    Shops were deceivers ever:
+  One price in season, one before,
+    And reasonable never.
+      Then buy not so,
+      But let them go,
+    And be you blithe and bonny,
+  Converting "_Robes, modes, et manteaux_"
+    Into--"_Pas, si je connais_!"
+
+  Bring no more bargains--sales are low,
+    And bills are dull and heavy;
+  (The shopmen drew their longest bow
+    For Summer's rout and _levee_.)
+      Then buy not so,
+      But let them "show"
+    And be you shrewd and bonny,
+  Converting all their "_Tout ce qu'il faut_"
+    Into--"_Pas, si je connais_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TEARS, IDLE TEARS!"
+
+  PUNCH'S picture, "When the Cat's Away!"
+  Seems to have effect! The brutal "play"
+  Of young ruffians, in at least two cases,
+  Whipping has rewarded. What long faces
+  TROTTER pulls! With his mild creed it clashes.
+  Sentiment's eyes are wet--about the _lashes_!
+  Howling brutes make mollycoddles snivel.
+  Let the ruffians rail, their champions drivel.
+  Brutalising to chastise brutality?
+  'Tis the merest blind sentimentality.
+  Feeble men and helpless women save
+  From the roughs, and let the weepers rave!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari,
+December 2, 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 2, 1893 ***
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