diff options
Diffstat (limited to '39504.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 39504.txt | 1656 |
1 files changed, 1656 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/39504.txt b/39504.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e20c6c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/39504.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1656 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, November +25, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, November 25, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: April 22, 2012 [EBook #39504] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV 25, 1893 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, November 25th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.--"AFTER THE BALL." + + [The authors of the various versions of this "popular song" + will not, _Mr. Punch_ is sure, object to its refrain being + used in a far wider sense--being applied, so to speak, to a + more extensive _sphere_--than they contemplated.] + +[Illustration] + + Man, youth or maiden, amateurs, pros., + Season of snow-storms, time of the rose, + 'Tis the same story all have to tell! + Not even KIPLING'S go half as well. + Nay: and _this_ story is real and true. + All England over, Colonies too, + Cricketers, golfers, footballers, all + One pursuit follow--they're After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + After one ball-game's over, + Promptly the next seems born; + Quickly the Blackburn Rover + Treads on the "Corn Stalk's" corn. + GRACE, GUNN, and READ, the Brothers + RENSHAW, fall off with the Fall; + But there come hosts of others-- + After the Ball! + + Lords and the Oval, crowded and bright, + Send King Willow's subjects wild with delight. + What are they doing 'midst shout and cheer? + Smiting and chasing a small brown sphere! + Fielded. Sir! Well hit!! Played, _indeed!!!_ Wide!!!! + Oh, well returned, Sir! Caught! No! _Well_ tried! + Cheering! Half-maddened! And what means it all? + Grown men grown boys again--After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + Sixer, or maiden over, + Misfield that moves young scorn, + Every true cricket-lover + Stares at from early morn. + Watching the "champion" scoring, + Ring and pavilion, all + Chattering, cheering, roaring, + After the Ball! + + Then in October's chill and gloom, + Wickets for goals make reluctant room. + Talk is of "forwards," and "backs," and "tries." + "_Footbawl Herdition!_" the newsboy cries. + Fancy _that_, for a sportsman's fad! + Players go frantic, and critics mad; + Pros. and amateurs squabble and squall, + And cripples seek hospital--After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + After the Ball the "Rovers" + Rush, and the "Villans" troop; + "Wolves"--who have lamb-like lovers-- + Worry and whirl and whoop. + Scrimmages fierce, wild jostles, + Many a crashing fall, + Follow as "Blade" hunts "Throstle," + After the Ball! + + Balls are not all of leather, alas! + Cricket, golf, tennis, and football pass; + But ROBERTS the marvellous, PEALL the clever, + Like the Laureate's Brook, can go on for ever! + The ivory ball--like the carvings odd + In a Buddhist shrine--seems an ivory god; + And "A Million Up" will be next the call + Of the "exhibitionists"--After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + After the Ball is over? + Nay, it is _never_ done! + All the year round _some_ lover + Keeps up the spheric fun! + Ivory ball or leather, + Someone will run or sprawl, + Whate'er the hour or weather, + After the Ball! + + Is't that our earth, which, after all, + Itself's a "dark terrestrial ball," + Robs all "sportsmen" of sober sense + Within its "sphere of influence"? + "Special Editions" just to record + How many kicks at a ball are scored?!?! + Doesn't it prove that we mortals all + Have gone sheer "dotty"--After the Ball? + + _Chorus_-- + + After the Ball!--as batter, + Handler of club, racquet, cue. + Or kicker of goals--what matter? + A Ballomaniac you! + Each is as mad as a hatter, + Who is so eager to sprawl, + Scrimmage, scout, smash, smite, clatter, + After the Ball! + + * * * * * + +THE HEIGHT OF COMFORT. + +_Q._ I want to consult you about Flats. You must know all about them, +as you have tried this kind of "high life" for a year. And I am quite +charmed with the idea of getting one. Now, don't you find that they +have many advantages over the old-fashioned separate house system? + +_A._ Oh, a great many! + +_Q._ I suppose that even in such paradises a few drawbacks do exist? + +_A._ A few. For instance, did you notice, during your painful progress +upstairs, a doctor coming out of the rooms just below us? No? Then you +were fortunate. There's a typhoid case there, we hear. + +_Q._ Dear me! Now I think of it, I did meet a woman dressed as a +hospital nurse. But she was coming down from somewhere above you. + +_A._ Yes. The people over our heads. It's a scarlet fever patient they +have, I believe. We can hear the nurse moving about in the middle +of the night. And chemists' boys with medicines call at our door, by +mistake, at all hours. + +_Q._ Still, they can't get in. Your flat is your castle, surely? + +_A._ Quite so. It's a pity it isn't a roomier castle. Our bedrooms are +like cupboards, and look out on a dark court. We have to keep the gas +burning there all day. + +_Q._ Oh, indeed! But then, being on one floor, living must be much +cheaper, because you can do with only one servant? + +_A._ That is true; but we find that the difficulty is to get servants +to do with us. They hate being mastheaded like this; they miss the +area, and the talks with the tradesmen, and so on. + +_Q._ But they must go downstairs to take dust and cinders away? + +_A._ No, those go down the shoot. At least, a good many of the cinders +do, though some seem to stop on the way. Our downstair neighbours +complain horribly, and threaten to summon us. + +_Q._ Do they? On the whole, however, you find your fellow-residents +obliging? + +_A._ Oh, very! The landing window leads to some disputes. We like it +open. The people upstairs prefer it shut. The case comes on at the +police court next week. + +_Q._ You surprise me! Then, as regards other expenses, you save, don't +you, by paying no rates? + +_A._ We do. That is why our landlord charges us for these eight rooms +on one floor just double what we should have to pay for a large house +all to ourselves. + +_Q._ Thanks for giving me so much information. Of course, I knew there +must be some disadvantages. And you won't be surprised to hear that we +have taken a flat after all, as they are so fashionable? + +_A._ On the contrary, I should be quite surprised if you didn't. + + * * * * * + +WELCOME TO "JOEY!" + +[Illustration: "HERE WE ARE AGAIN!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SAD! + +_Sportsman_ (_proud of his favourite_). "NOW THAT'S A MARE I _MADE_ +ENTIRELY MYSELF! MARVELLOUSLY CLEVER, I CAN TELL YOU!" + +_Non-Sportsman_ (_from town, startled_). "EH, WHAT? DEAR ME! +WONDERFULLY CLEVER, CERTAINLY." (_Mentally._) "POOR FELLOW, POOR +FELLOW! WHAT A MOST EXTRAORDINARY HALLUCINATION!"] + + * * * * * + +HOME RAILS. + +(_By a Mournful Moralist._) + + Each day my heart with pity throbs; + Can sympathy refuse + The ready tears, the frequent sobs, + When reading City news? + + Not long ago I daily found + That you were good and "strong"-- + You gained but little, I'll be bound, + Nor kept that little long; + + Yet I was happy, since it meant + That, for a blissful term, + You were so very excellent, + So "steady" and so "firm." + + Prosperity brings pride to all; + You rose too high to sell. + Then--pride must always have a fall-- + You lamentably fell. + + Think what your altered state has cost. + Alas, you must confess + That you are ruined since you lost + Your noble steadiness! + + "Unsettled" then--oh, feeble will!-- + "Inactive" you were too. + There's Someone "finds some mischief still + For idle hands to do." + + "Why be inactive? All should work. + Rise then, and do not seek + Good honest enterprise to shirk, + Because you're rather "weak." + + Alas, what use exhorting that + Your fall you should annul? + When some remark that you are "flat," + And others call you "dull." + + At times I hoped that you would turn, + And mend your evil ways, + That you were "better," I would learn, + And "quiet" on some days. + + But now your baseness fitly ends, + "Irregular"--and so + You are "neglected" by your friends, + Who all pronounce you "low." + + This conduct gives me such a shock, + I wipe my streaming eyes-- + I want to sell some railway stock; + I'm waiting for the rise! + + * * * * * + +THE "ULTRA FASHIONABLE DINNER-HOUR" WHEN DICKENS WROTE _MARTIN +CHUZZLEWIT_.--It is mentioned by _Montague Tigg_, when that typical +swindler gives _Jonas Chuzzlewit_ an invitation to a little dinner. +It was "seven." Very few have guessed it, but most correspondents have +referred to the dinner-hour at _Todgers's_. But _Todgers's_ was a very +second-class establishment. + +SOMEBODY proposes another Dickensian query:--SCENE--_The wedding at +Wardle's._ TIME--_After the wedding breakfast:_--"At dinner they met +again, after a five-and-twenty-mile walk." Where did they breakfast, +and where did they dine, and how many hours did men of _Mr. +Pickwick's_ and _Mr. Tupman's_ build take to do a twenty-five-mile +walk in? + + * * * * * + +THE GOLFER'S PARADISE.--_Link_-ed sweetness long drawn out. + + * * * * * + +THE REAL ROADS TO SUCCESS.--CECIL RHODES. + + * * * * * + +REX LOBENGULA. + + ["Rhymes are difficult things, they are stubborn things, + Sir."--FIELDING: _Amelia_.] + + LOBENGULA! LOBENGULA! + How do you pronounce your name? + How do those who call you ruler + Your regality proclaim? + + Does the stalwart Matabele + Seared with many a cruel scar, + Ere he gives his life so freely, + Hail you King LOBENGULA? + + Have I read in British journals, + On a 'bus _en route_ to Holborn, + Telegrams where British Colonels + Have the cheek to call you LO-BEN? + + Has your name some fearful meaning + Redolent of blood and bones, + Or am I correct in weening + It's vernacular for JONES? + + Kaiser! Potentate! Dictator! + Any title that's sublime + Choose, but send us cis-equator + For your name the proper rhyme. + + * * * * * + +AFTER THE CALL. + + ["A further call of L5 per share has recently been made on the + shareholders in one of the companies in the Balfour group."] + + After the call is over, + What is there left to do, + All absolutely vanished, + Left not a single sou. + Furniture, trinkets, money, + Gone, gone, alas! are they all; + What is there left but the workhouse + After the call? + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE XV.--_The Drawing-room at Hornbeam Lodge._ TIME--_Monday +evening, about six._ ALTHEA _is listlessly striking chords on the +piano_; Mrs. TOOVEY _is sitting by one of the windows_. + +_Mrs. Toovey_ (_to herself_). Where _did_ THEOPHILUS go last Saturday? +He is either the most consummate hypocrite, or the most blameless lamb +that ever breathed; and I'm sure _I_ don't know which! But I'll find +out when CHARLES comes. It would be almost a relief to find Pa _was_ +guilty; for, if he isn't---- But, thank goodness, he is not very +likely ever to hear where _I_ was that evening! + +_Althea_ (_to herself_). It couldn't _really_ have been Mamma in that +box; she has never made the slightest reference to it. I almost wish +she _had_ been there; it would have been easier to tell her. What +_would_ she say if she knew I had gone to such a place as the +Eldorado? + + [_She drifts, half unconsciously, into the air of_ "The Hansom + Cabman." + +_Mrs. Toov._ What is that tune you are playing, THEA? + +_Alth._ (_flushing_). N--nothing, Mamma. Only a tune I heard when I +was in town. The--the boys in the street whistle it. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Then it's hardly fit to be played upon _my_ piano. +I shouldn't wonder if it came out of one of those abominable +music-halls! + +_Alth._ (_to herself_). She must mean something by that. If she was +there after all! (_Aloud, distressed._) Mamma, what makes you say +that? Do--do you _know_? + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_in equal confusion_). Know! Explain yourself, child. +How could I possibly----? (_To herself._) I shall betray myself if I +am not more careful! + +_Alth._ I--I thought--I don't know--it was the way you said it. (_To +herself._) I very nearly did for myself _that_ time! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_as_ ALTHEA _strikes more chords_). For goodness' sake, +THEA, either play a proper piece, or shut up the piano and take up +some useful work. There's the crazy-quilt I've begun for the Bazaar; +you might get on with that. + +_Alth._ (_closing the piano_). The colours _are_ so frightful, Mamma! + +_Mrs. Toov._ What does that signify, my dear? When it's for a charity! +Really, I'm beginning to think this visit to town has not had at all +a good effect upon you. You've come back unable to settle down to +anything. Yes, I see a great change in you, ALTHEA, and it's not +confined to the worldly way you do your hair. I sincerely hope it will +not strike Mr. CURPHEW as it does me. You know he is dining here this +evening? I told him in my note that if he _liked_ to come a little +earlier----(_Significantly._) I think he has something to say to you, +THEA. Perhaps you can guess what? + +_Alth._ (_twisting her hands nervously_). Oh no, Mamma. I--I can't see +Mr. CURPHEW--not alone, I mean. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Don't be ridiculous, my dear. You know perfectly well +that he admires you. He has very properly spoken first to your +father, and we both consider you a most fortunate girl. He is a truly +excellent young man, which is the _first_ consideration; and, what +is even _more_ important, he is, as far as I can gather, making an +excellent income. And you can't deny that you were interested in him +from the very first. + +_Alth._ N--not in that way, Mamma. At least, not any longer. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Nonsense. If Mr. CURPHEW proposes, I shall be seriously +annoyed if you put him off with any foolish shilly-shallying. Mind +that. And here he is--at least, it's _somebody_ at the front door. +I've mislaid my glasses as usual. And if it is Mr. CURPHEW, I shall +send him in here at once; so remember what I've said. (_She goes out +into the hall, and discovers her nephew_ CHARLES.) So it is _you_, +CHARLES! You're rather earlier than I expected. + +_Charles._ Nothing much doing at the office, Aunt. And I thought I +might have to dress for dinner, you know. + +_Mrs. Toov._ You ought to know by this time that we are plain people +and do not not follow the senseless fashion of dressing ourselves +up for a family dinner, but I am glad you came early, all the same, +CHARLES, as I should like a little talk with you before your Uncle +comes in. We had better go into the study. (_To herself, as she leads +the way._) Now I shall get it out of him! + +END OF SCENE XV. + +[Illustration: "Dear, dear me!"] + + +SCENE XVI.--_In the Study._ + +_Mrs. Toovey_ (_fixing_ CHARLES _with her eye_). What is this I hear +of your proceedings last Saturday night, CHARLES? Come, you can't +deceive _me_, you know! + +_Charles._ I never made any secret about my proceedings. I told Uncle +we might probably drop into the Eldorado or somewhere after dinner. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, in consternation_). The Eldorado? they +_did_ go there then! If only they didn't see me! (_Aloud._) Yes, +CHARLES, go on. And while you were there, did you see anyone you--you +thought you recognised? + +_Charles_ (_to himself_). She's heard! (_Aloud._) I should rather +think I _did_, Aunt. Never was more surprised in my life. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_with a groan_). And--and was your _Uncle_ surprised, +too, CHARLES? + +_Charles._ Uncle? I haven't told _him_ yet. + +_Mrs. Toov._ But he was _there_, CHARLES, with you; he must have +seen--whatever you did! Or didn't he? + +_Charles._ At the Valhalla? my _dear_ Aunt! + +_Mrs. Toov._ Who's talking about a Valhalla? I mean the _Eldorado_, of +course; that was where you _said_ you went! + +_Charles._ No--no, we couldn't get in at the El.; all the stalls gone, +so we went to the Val. instead. Just the same sort of thing. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, relieved_). To the Val.! What a fright I've +had for nothing! (_Aloud._) I quite understand, CHARLES. You took +your Uncle to a place called the Val., _not_ the--er--El. What did you +_see_ there? that's the point! + +_Charles._ I didn't take Uncle there; I was with a man from our office +when I saw him. I must have seen him there often enough, but somehow +I never spotted him before. It was the make-up, the _disguise_, you +know, wig and moustache, and all that. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Do you mean to say your Uncle attends music-halls +disguised in a wig and moustache? CHARLES, who was he _with_? I _will_ +know! + +_Charles_ (_in fits of laughter_). Uncle? At the Val. in disguise? +now, is it _likely_? I thought you knew all about it, or I shouldn't +have said a word! + +_Mrs. Toov._ You have said too much to stop _now_, CHARLES. It +is useless to try to turn it off like that. If it was not Pa you +recognised at this Val. place, who _was_ it? + +_Charles_ (_to himself_). If I don't tell her she'll only go on +suspecting poor old Uncle THEO. (_Aloud._) Well, you're bound to find +it out sooner or later; and I admire him all the more for it myself. +I'd no idea he had it _in_ him. Shows how mistaken you may be in +fellows. + +_Mrs. Toov._ I've yet to learn who and what you are talking about, +CHARLES! + +_Charles._ Why, that quiet, modest friend of yours, Mr. CLARENCE +CURPHEW, if you _must_ know! + +_Mrs. Toov._ I don't believe it. Mr. CURPHEW is not at all the sort of +young man to spend his money in such resorts. + +_Charles._ He don't _spend_ it there--he _makes_ it. My dear Aunt, you +ought to feel honoured by having such a distinguished acquaintance. +Don't you remember my mentioning the great music-hall star, WALTER +WILDFIRE? You must. Well, CLARENCE CURPHEW and WALTER WILDFIRE are one +and the same person--honour bright, they are! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_sinking back with a gasp_). A--a music-hall star! And +I have been urging ALTHEA to---- Oh, how fortunate it is I have been +warned in time! He shall not see her--I will write and put him off--at +once! + + [Mr. TOOVEY _enters blandly_. + +_Mr. Toov._ Ah, CHARLES, my boy, so here you are? that's right, that's +right. You, too, CORNELIA? (_To her, in an undertone._) It's all +right, my love--our dear young friend, Mr. CURPHEW, you know--we met +on the doorstep just now, and I've left him and THEA together in the +drawing-room. I thought it was best, eh? + + [_He looks to her for approval._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ You've left---- But there, I might have known! No, don't +speak to me, Pa--there's no time to lose! Come with me, CHARLES, I may +want you. + + [_She rustles out of the room, followed by_ CHARLES. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_looking after her in mild perplexity_). Dear, dear me! +I wonder what can be the matter _now_. CORNELIA seems so very---- I +hardly like to go and see--and yet, perhaps, I ought--perhaps I ought. +There's one comfort, whatever it is, it can't have anything to do with +that dreadful Eldorado. Yes, I'd better go and look into it! + + [_He goes out._--_End of Scene XVI._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "USING LANGUAGE." + +_The Squire._ "WELL, SMITH, I WANT YOUR ADVICE. HADN'T WE BETTER LET +THEM HAVE THEIR WAY THIS TIME?" + +_Smith._ "NO, NO, SIR. STICK TO YOUR RIGHTS! WHAT _I_ SAY IS--'GIVE +SUCH PEOPLE A HINCH AND THEY'LL TAKE A HELL'--IF YOU'LL PARDON MY +USIN' SUCH STRONG LANGUAGE!"] + + * * * * * + +MAGIC AND MANUFACTURES. + +(_A Fairy Fragment from the German._) + +Little ALICE was delighted with her surroundings. She had found her +way into a lumber-room, which was filled with modern furniture and +modern toys. "How pretty they are!" she exclaimed; "and how I would +like to speak to them!" + +Then the Cup and Saucer labelled a "Present from Ramsgate," and the +Old Grandfather's Clock glowed with satisfaction. Evidently they +wished to join in the conversation. + +Then ALICE thought that perhaps she might raise a sprite or a goblin +of some magical person by reading ANDERSEN'S Fairy Stories backward. +She had scarcely, with some difficulty, completed the first page +(rendered reversely) of "The Shepherdess and the Brave Tin Soldier," +when an old lady, about eighteen inches high, suddenly appeared before +her. + +"You want all these inanimate things to speak?" said the new comer. +"Well, you will be disappointed if they do." + +ALICE protested that she would be delighted beyond measure if they +would but talk. "It will be interesting, so very interesting, dear +godmother," she cried; and then she added, "I suppose I may assume +that you _are_ my godmother?" + +"You may assume anything you like," snapped out the little old lady; +"only don't bother me. Here! I authorise all these things to talk. I +will be back again by-and-by to see how you are getting on. Adieu." +And then the little old lady disappeared. And then, as she had +foretold, ALICE suffered great disappointment. + +The Cup and Saucer "A Present from Ramsgate," began speaking sixteen +words to the dozen, but ALICE could not make out the meaning. Then the +Old Grandfather's Clock talked, but without better effect. ALICE could +not understand a syllable. And the box of tin Highlanders followed +suit. So did a doll dressed as an Irish peasant. Then all sorts of +things that seemed to be English to the backbone or last ounce +of metal--scissors, books, and calico curtains--kept up a fire of +conversation. But ALICE could make out nothing. She was absolutely +astounded. Here were heaps of British goods suddenly endowed with the +power of speech, and yet she could not understand them! + +And as she considered, the little old lady again appeared. + +"Well, child!" she exclaimed. "What's the matter? You seem perplexed! +Have not all the toys been talking?" + +"Why, yes," faltered ALICE; "but then you see I cannot understand a +word they say!" + +"Of course you cannot," replied the Fairy. "They speak only their +native language." + +"Their native language! Then why don't they speak English?" + +"Because, my good girl," returned the Fairy, preparing to take her +departure, "they cannot. You see, young lady, they don't know anything +about the English language, and this is natural enough, for they were +all made in Germany!" + + * * * * * + +THE FUTURE OF HOME RULE. + + MR. GL-DST-NE: ANOTHER TELEPATHIC AUTOMATIC INTERVIEW. + +I had not seen Mr. GL-DST-NE for two days, nor had I heard from him +for three posts, neither knew I where he was. I knew he _had_ been at +Downing Street. That evening I found myself in an Inner Circle train, +and no sooner there than I made up my mind to ask Mr. GL-DST-NE if he +would mind my interviewing him. My hand at once wrote--on the margin +of my evening paper--that he was at Downing Street, and that I might +have the interview. It was quite an ordinary one, except that I +thought the questions and wrote the answers on my knee with my hand. +"Well, Mr. GL-DST-NE," I said, or, rather, thought, "what do you think +of Home Rule?" My hand (not the Old Parliamentary Hand) wrote:-- + +"W. E. G. I do not think that I shall be in any way departing from +what has long since become to be recognised as the practice applicable +to this present set of circumstances, a practice to which I am able +to speak from an experience of more than sixty years, when I say +speaking, not merely for myself, but for the whole of the Members of +the Cabinet, and, indeed, I may fairly say of the Government in its +entirety, that we are not indisposed to grant to Ireland that measure +of self-government for which she is asking in a constitutional way +through her duly elected representatives, and that we earnestly hope +that as a result of our efforts we may be enabled, with a reasonable +prospect of finality, to put an end to a condition of affairs which +for the whole of the present century has embittered our relations +with our sister country, and has exposed us to the censures of +every authority in the civilised world whose acknowledged competency +entitles him to an opinion." + +Then I ventured a question as to the future. "What about Home Rule +next Session, Mr. GL-DST-NE?" + +"The question as to what position the Home Rule controversy will +assume next Session is naturally one which can only be determined when +we have before us all the facts which are essential for the purpose +of enabling us to arrive at a definitive conclusion, and as soon as +it becomes reasonably plain what the exact position of parties will +be when it becomes necessary to decide on what lines the policy of +the Government will proceed. I may, however, say that, whilst not +forgetful in any way of the obligations of honour under which the +Liberal party lie to the Irish people, and whilst it will be our duty +at the earliest available moment to press forward measures which shall +carry out our pledges in that direction, we shall not forget that the +consideration of what are not unnaturally termed English reforms is an +imperative necessity, to which the attention of the Government will be +directed at the first opportunity." + +By this time I had reached Charing Cross, and as I passed out the +ticket-examiner handed me a postcard. It was in Mr. GL-DST-NE'S +writing. Judge of my astonishment when I found that quite +spontaneously he had written to me just what I had written in the +interview. I at once wrote to him and informed him of what had +happened. His answer was: "It is most extraordinary. If I didn't +believe all you tell me, I should have come to the conclusion that +you faked (I think that is the word) the interview up out of my old +speeches." So there you have the whole story. Someone suggests I +should publish the postcard. Curiously enough, I have mislaid it. But +two and two make four, and you can go and ask the ticket-examiner. + + * * * * * + +Cause and Effect. + +"I am occupied with my secretaries while I am dressing."--_Lord +Herschell to the deputation of Liberal Members, Nov. 16._ + +"Mr. K. MUIR MACKENZIE, Q.C., Permanent Sec. to the LORD CHANCELLOR, +has been made a Companion of the Bath."--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +PLEASANT SPOOKERY. + +Yes, thanks to BRANDON THOMAS'S skill, and PENLEY'S comic _nous_, The +lucky "Globe" may well be called the real '_Aunt_-ed House! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BABY-WORSHIP. (THE POINT OF VIEW.) + +"YOUR NIECES SEEM VERY FOND OF BABIES, MR. SINNICK. I SUPPOSE YOU ARE +TOO?" + +"OH YES; LIKE 'EM AWFULLY; ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY BEGIN TO _CRY_." + +"AH, YOU THINK THE DEAR LITTLE THINGS ARE IN PAIN?" + +"YES; AND SOMEBODY RINGS THE BELL, YOU KNOW, AND THE NURSE COMES, AND +THE DEAR LITTLE THINGS ARE TAKEN AWAY TO THE NURSERY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE HANDY BOY. + + ["In the office he held, which in reality was much too heavy + for any single man to bear, it was necessary to live almost a + monastic life, and the eight hours which some persons regarded + as a maximum of toil seemed to those who occupied that + position a dim and distant and golden vision."--_Lord + Rosebery, at the opening of the Battersea Town Hall_.] + +_The Missis soliloquiseth_:-- + + Ah! he's really the usefullest boy, that + young PRIMROSE, that ever we've had, + And I'm sure I don't know, not sometimes, + how we'd get along, but for that lad! + So willing, and so civil-spoken, yet none too + much given to mag. + He does the House credit all round, and I'm + sure he's the pick o' the bag. + + Gets through his own work without + worrit, and then he's so good at odd jobs! + Which some servants are awfully uppish, and + thinks themselves no end of nobs. + But PRIMROSE is pleasant and modest, you + know where the boy's to be found, + And there's nothing he won't turn his hand + to, to make things agreeable all round. + + Heigho! How I wish----But no matter! + Young PRIMROSE, he _knows_ such a lot, + And he seems to be trusted by all, which + some of us, I fear,--well, are _not_. + There is WILLIAM, the butler, and John, now; + they 're excellent servants, of course, + Yet they don't seem as happy as PRIMROSE, + although the boy works like a horse! + + _His_ task's to attend to the door, which needs + wonderful quickness and tact; + For our visitors, foreign and others, _are_ + troublesome, that is a fact. + But Russian, or Frenchman, or L.C.C. boss + from out Battersea way, + Or a working-man out of a job, PRIMMY + always knows just what to say. + + He's a treasure, that boy; and I'm always + a-putting fresh work on his back! + There's this Coal Question now! Awful + worry! He has such a wonderful knack + I am sure he might settle _that_ shindy. If + so he will just be a jewel! + If pig-headedness holds on _both_ sides, we + shall presently run out of fuel. + + If he can "conciliate" them, it will truly be + very good biz: + And so I've _suggested_--no more!--that "the + boy"--ah! by Jove, here he is! + Poor chap! Two big scuttles--up-stairs! + He must find it a terrible pull, + With _his_ work too! But if he succeeds--well, + the cup of his credit is full. + + Ah, PRIMROSE, my boy! This _is_ good of you! + Two at a time, too. Oh, dear!-- + It is not just _your_ work, I'll allow, and you + find they are heavy, I fear. + But you know what a bother it's been. Some + chaps are such obstinate souls!-- + But I was quite sure that _you_ wouldn't mind + stooping to--taking up coals! + + * * * * * + +Why does LOBENGULA, when finding fault with his regiments, appear a +great commander? Because then he is an Impi rater. + + * * * * * + +QUEER CARDS. + +(_By a Rural Innkeeper, who has been "had."_) + + They come to me (a poor old chap!) + And take one room--mostly the same; + A quiet spot, they say, for Nap: + (But "Crib's" their real game.) + Their luggage is a smallish trunk, + A whopping walking-stick--alway! + When for a month they've fed and drunk, + I gently hint at pay. + They say, "Why, certainly! They mean + To dwell some months beneath my roof. + So happy they have _never_ been!" + (I think they call this "Spoof.") + They swear my wife's the best of cooks, + They hint they're half in love with SUKEY, + My daughter, who _can_ boast good looks + (And here begins Blind Hookey). + Then, when they're some more weeks in debt, + I tell them Tick's last door is shut; + When--their knave's tricks not ended yet-- + They shuffle--pack--and _cut_! + + * * * * * + +BUSINESS. + + ["France, it is expected, will endeavour to hasten England's + evacuation of Egypt, and Russia will try to settle the + question of the Dardanelles."--_Daily Chronicle._] + + Who says that Franco-Russian gush + Means naught, to reason's optic? + The Russ will help the Frank to rush + England, from regions Coptic; + And--here JOHN BULL must surely flinch, + While Gallia's bosom swells!-- + The Bear, if but allowed an inch, + Will take--the Dardanelles! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HANDY BOY! + +THE MISSIS. "I KNEW YOU HAD PLENTY TO DO, PRIMROSE, BUT I WAS QUITE +SURE YOU WOULDN'T MIND TAKING UP THOSE COALS!"] + + * * * * * + +THE OLD AND NEW SCHOOL--FOR SCANDAL. + +The two principal figures to be considered are Mr. WILLIAM FARREN, +who, as _Sir Peter_, is a Master of Arts in the OLD SCHOOL, and Miss +REHAN, who as _Lady Teazle_ is an experimentalising teacher in the New +_School for Scandal_. All playgoers, whose memory takes them back over +a quarter of a century, must be familiar with WILLIAM FARREN'S _Sir +Peter_, which, in our time may have been rivalled, but has rarely +been equalled (I do not remember his equal in the past), and certainly +never excelled. A trifle overdone now and then, a trifle hard in +manner here and there, perhaps, but, as a whole, simply admirable. +Mr. DALY never made a better engagement than when he secured WILLIAM +FARREN for _Sir Peter_. About Miss REHAN'S _Lady Teazle_ there will be +various opinions and, truth to tell, I do not precisely know from what +point of view and by what standard to judge of her performance. _Sir +Peter_ describes her as "a girl bred wholly in the country," and +so forth, "yet," he continues, "she now plays her part in all the +extravagant fopperies of fashion and the town with as ready a grace as +if she had never seen a bush or a grass plot out of Grosvenor Square." +To let her country training be perceived through the assumed airs and +graces of a town Madame seems to me to be Miss REHAN'S object; and in +this, granting her ideas of the country hoyden and the town lady to +be correct, she certainly succeeds; notably in the scenes with _Sir +Peter_. For thus is the Jekyl-and-Hyde-ness of her character made +apparent: in company, in the scandal scenes, she is to be all airs and +graces, but when alone with her husband she, in spite of her perpetual +wrangling with him, reappears as her own natural self, with most of +the polish temporarily rubbed off. But if this be so, then, when in +"society," her funny little run and shaking of the head are out of +place, while they may be accepted as a relapse into her provincialisms +when she is quite free and easy, _en tete-a-tete_ with _Sir Peter_, +and especially bent on captivating him by recalling to his memory the +lass of whom he had become desperately enamoured some eight months +ago. + +[Illustration: _Shade of Sheridan._ "William Farren, my old friend, I +congratulate you: and I suspect that in the present generation I owe +you much." + +_Sir William Peter Farren Teazle._ "Not more than I do you, Mr. +Sheridan. Let us say, mutually indebted." + + [_They exchange snuff-pinches._ +] + +In the Screen Scene when "discovered," Miss REHAN'S attitude is +eloquent; and on this tableau I have always thought the curtain should +descend, as all after this, even _Sir Peter's_ exit with "damn your +sentiments," good as it is, is an anti-climax. I should prefer that +Miss REHAN'S _Lady Teazle_ should be silent, or if it must be played +as written, then here of all situations in the comedy would I insist +upon her emphasising the perfectly natural manner of the unaffected +country girl, instead of addressing Sir _Peter_ in the deep tones of a +tragedian, as if attempting a mere theatrical effect. In the last Act, +as arranged, she appears to have done with her town airs and graces +for ever, and, wearing a queer sort of mob-cap, enters on _Sir +Peter's_ arm, ready with him to face the ridicule, the satire, and the +scandal of their world. + +Miss VANBRUGH makes a delightful _Lady Sneerwell_, and Mrs. GILBERT +a dear old _Mrs. Candour_, who would spitefully gossip about her +neighbours for hours together. _Maria_ is almost always a thankless +part, and Miss PERCY HASWELL leaves no doubt on the mind of the +audience of her being a poor orphan of some six months' standing. +The part of _Moses_ offers very little scope to Mr. JAMES LEWIS, +especially as the celebrated "I'll take my oath of that" is cut out, +and some lines are introduced, which being quite un-Sheridanesque and +un-Mosaic do not in the least assist the character. However, as he is +much slapped on the back, dug in the ribs, and generally treated as a +butt by _Charles_ and _Careless_ (who, by the way, gives _"Here's to +the Maiden"_ in first-rate style), Mr. LEWIS may be congratulated on +getting to the end of his impersonation of one of the long-suffering +tribe in perfect safety. Mr. BOURCHIER'S _Charles_ goes well with +the audience; but Mr. GEORGE CLARKE is too conscientious, and too +impressed with a sense of the horrible scoundrelism of _Joseph's_ +character to be ever really at home in so uncongenial a part. + +For the re-arrangement, much may be said "for," and more "against." +There is only one point that strikes me as absolutely inartistic, and +that is, making _Sir Peter_ give his explanatory speech about his wife +_after_ we have seen her, instead of leaving it in its proper place, +as SHERIDAN wrote it, where it serves as a prologue to the subsequent +scene between _Sir Peter_ and _Lady Teazle_, when she appears for the +first time in the comedy. + +There are some curious oversights in the scenic arrangements at +Daly's. The first is in _Charles Surface's_ picture gallery, _which +has no windows and no skylight_. The second is that though _Charles_ +has sold all his books, yet through the door of the picture-room are +seen the first shelves of an evidently well-stocked library. The third +oversight is in _Joseph's_ chambers, described in the original play +as "_a library in Joseph Surface's house_," where, when he tells _Sir +Peter_ that "_books are the only things I am a coxcomb in_," there are +only a very few volumes to be seen, and these are lying at haphazard +on a table. + +[Illustration: Lady Ada Rehan Teazle. + +"In for some sort of a run"--at Daly's.] + +To revert for a moment to _Charles Surface's_ windowless and +skylightless picture gallery, the scene takes place in the evening, +after dinner, or supper, and how is the huge apartment lighted? Why, +by a couple of ordinary candles placed on a side-table, while on the +mantelpiece at the back remain a couple of silver candelabra, filled +with candles which remain all the time unlighted. Why, naturally, the +company would have been in darkness, but not a bit of it, for these +two candles do give so preternaturally wonderful an illumination, that +the stage is as bright as a sunlighted garden at noonday in July. The +company that could produce such candles would make a fortune by their +patent. The dance at the end of the first Act brings down the curtain +to enthusiastic applause, and, to the end, the old comedy, in spite +of various chops and changes, holds its own, as it ever will do, +triumphantly. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +FATHER CHRISTMAS is already sending out his Cards for the Coming +Festivity, now six weeks ahead. His representatives all "decorated," +and still ready to receive any amount of "orders," are MARCUS WARD, +the RAPHAEL TUCK family, C. W. FAULKNER, C. DELGADO, and many others, +whose excellent works are known to all, and by none more appreciated +than by the youthful Baronites and Baronitesses. + +"BLACKIE AND SON!" says a Junior Baronite; "why, that must he the +publishers of Christy Minstrel works!" but they are soon undeceived. +Such delightful books! their very bindings are suggestive of +cheerfulness, and seem to invite inspection. We will take a peep +inside, like Jack Horner, and pull out the best plummed story. +Three by G. A. HENTY, who knows how and what to write for youths of +adventurous spirit. His three are:-- + +_Through the Sikh War._ Indian affairs are always of interest to the +young Britisher, "who will," quoth the little Baronite, "_seek_ and +find all he wants in this book." + +_St. Bartholomew's Eve_ might be a tale of curiosity, but it is +history, and deals with the valour of an English boy during the +Huguenot Wars. Being a hero, he does not get killed in the massacre, +but lives to fight another day. + +_A Jacobite Exile_ is a tale of the Swedes. Hardly necessary, perhaps, +or as SHAKSPEARE puts it, "Swedes to the Swede,--superfluous." To the +English reader, therefore, it is not a superfluity. + +Then here is The _Penny Illustrated_. It is called "_Roses_" and +whatever any reader may require, here he will find it "all among the +roses." The rearer and cultivator of these "Roses" is JOHN LATEY, +whose "Rose of Hastings" is among the best of the contributions. "We +can't do better than provide ourselves and our families with this +specimen of a Flowery Annual," quoth, + + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW ADJECTIVE. + +_Customer._ "YOU'LL FIND I MEASURE A BIT MORE ROUND THE WAIST THAN I +DID LAST TIME YOU TOOK MY MEASURE." + +_Tailor._ "AH, WELL, SIR, IF I MAY BE ALLOWED TO SAY SO, YOU _ARE_ A +TRIFLE MORE--AH--MORE _LOBENGULOUS_ THAN FORMERLY."] + + * * * * * + +1,000,000 A. D. + + ["The descendants of man will nourish themselves by immersion + in nutritive fluid. They will have enormous brains, liquid, + soulful eyes, and large hands, on which they will hop. No + craggy nose will they have, no vestigial ears; their mouths + will be a small, perfectly round aperture, unanimal, like the + evening star. Their whole muscular system will be shrivelled + to nothing, a dangling pendant to their minds."--_Pall Mall + Gazette, abridged._] + +[Illustration] + + What, a million years hence, will become of the _Genus + Humanum_, is truly a question vexed; + At that epoch, however, _one_ prophet has seen us + Resemble the sketch annexed. + + For as Man undergoes Evolution ruthless, + His skull will grow "dome-like, bald, terete"; + And his mouth will be jawless, gumless, toothless-- + No more will he drink or eat! + + He will soak in a crystalline bath of pepsine, + (No ROBERT will then have survived, to wait,) + And he'll hop on his hands as his food he steps in-- + A quasi-cherubic gait! + + No longer the land or the sea he'll furrow; + The world will be withered, ice-cold, dead + As the chill of Eternity grows, he'll burrow + Far down underground instead. + + If the _Pall Mall Gazette_ has thus been giving + A forecast correct of this change immense, + Our stars we may thank, then, that _we_ shan't be living + A million years from hence! + + * * * * * + +ONE DOWN T'OTHER COME ON.--King Log is a most useful substitute when +King Coal has temporarily abdicated. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, November 13._--TOMLINSON has for some time +observed with deepening disfavour his position in House as affected +by, and compared with, that of his friend and companion dear, TOMASSO +BOWLES. TOMMY, to drop into the affectionate diminutive, is a mere +child compared with him. He is but the birth of the last General +Election; whilst for thirteen years this very month TOMLINSON has +presented at Westminster Preston's idea of the highest form of culture +and intelligence. + +Employers' Liability Bill offered opportunity for coming to front; +not that either as Employer or Employed TOMLINSON has any special +knowledge on subject. But he sees as clearly into its bearings as +he does through the average Lancashire stone wall. Awake at nights +drafting new Clauses that should baffle ASQUITH and make the SQUIRE OF +MALWOOD sit up. Looked most imposing on paper. Thought at one time of +posting copy to every elector of Preston, so that he might see what +a power in Senate is the borough Member. Wouldn't cost so much since, +posted at House of Commons in official wrapper, they might go free. +Still there would be remarks made if TOMLINSON drove into Palace +Yard enthroned on top of waggon containing 15,959 addressed copies of +Amendments to Employers' Liability Bill. Gave up idea. Electors +must buy the papers where, in Parliamentary reports, they would read +voluminous digests of his speeches. + +Began soon after House took up Bill this afternoon. First group of +Amendments covered folio page of print. Read admirably; if it had not +been usual for Member in charge of new Clause to explain to House its +object and effect in operation success would have been assured. Here's +where TOMLINSON came to grief; talked for some time; House listened at +first, honestly intent upon considering project, whatever it might he. +Effect of TOMLINSON'S speech not elucidatory. The more he talked the +more hopeless the muddle. When he sat down anguished listeners not +quite sure whether he had (1) moved the Clause, (2) proposed to +withdraw it, or (3) suggested that a more convenient place for +insertion would he found later on. Fortunately new Clause in print +among Amendments. That ASQUITH should decline to have anything to do +with it natural enough. Saddest of all befel when from his own side +of House ROLLIT bluntly denounced Clause, CARSON hoped it wouldn't +be pressed, and HENRY JAMES, from allied camp opposite, demolished it +with final shot. + +[Illustration: THE HOME SECRETARY'S SAFETY-VALVE. TRAFALGAR SQUARE OF +THE FUTURE.] + +This not encouraging, but there were other Amendments standing in his +name of which something must be said. TOMLINSON rose when called on, +but gratefully sat down when greeted with mirthful cries for division. +Only gleam of comfort in sorrowful night was when TOMMY BOWLES, +rushing in whence he had retreated, called down on himself SPEAKER'S +stern commentary that his remarks were "quite irrelevant." + +_Business done._--Report Stage of Employers' Liability Bill. + +_Tuesday._--To casual observer there is nothing in personal appearance +of UGHTRED KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH suggestive of the Tartar. Yet to-night +Sir ELLIS ASHMEAD BART(LETT), going a hunting on the Treasury Bench +preserves, bagged Secretary to Admiralty and found he had caught +a Tartar. ASHMEAD, in his self-asserted character of BRITANNIA'S +Confidential Clerk, tried to draw UGHTRED on subject of Naval Scare. +SHUTTLEWORTH, with manner that combined severity of a magistrate with +benignity of a dean, managed to present ASHMEAD in aspect of +fussy person who, having had some official knowledge, in whatever +subordinate position, ought to have been able to restrain the +self-assertiveness that led him to put such a question. House, which +does not do credit to The BART(LETT)'S many sterling qualities, roared +with delight. Stung to quick, ASHMEAD up again; shouted across table, +"I ask the right hon. gentleman whether he can give me any evidence of +his being alive----" House, struck with evidence to that effect just +given, broke in with fresh roar of laughter. ASHMEAD stood glaring +round at merry circle. When noise subsided, continued: "----any +evidence of his being alive to the importance of his duties?" More +laughter. ASHMEAD appealed to SPEAKER to reprimand KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH. +Speaker justified Minister's action. One more attempt; one more +rebuff; and ASHMEAD subsided for the night, not quite sure after all +that silence isn't golden. At least it used to bring in L1000 a year. + +_Business done._--A good deal with the Employers' Liability Bill. + +_Wednesday._--Another quiet sitting with Employers' Liability Bill. +Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES, respectfully removing his tarpaulin, and shifting +his quid, relieved dullness of afternoon by some capital yarns. One +drew a vivid picture of dangers that lurk behind the casual pilot. On +a dark night in midsummer Cap'en TOMMY, a-sailing down the coast of +Barbaree, came upon what looked like a town. Turned out to be Algiers; +hauled down his main yard; ran out the topgallantsail spanker, and +bore down on the harbour. Just as he was entering was boarded by +pilot. + +"Sheer off!" says TOMMY through his polyglot speaking-trumpet. "Don't +want your help; know every rock and shoal on the coast; will take the +ship in myself." + +Pilot produced from lining at back of his trousers Code of +Regulations; this set forth that pilot was compulsory. Nothing to do +but submit, unless he would involve Great Britain in war. Pilot +came aboard; took charge; forged ahead; just going to run ship on +breakwater when TOMMY'S keen eye perceived danger. + +[Illustration: Tommy Bowles and the Pilot.] + +"Sir," said the only Member of House of Commons who, since BIG BEN'S +death, holds a sea captain's certificate, "I took my ship out of the +pilot's hand, and brought her in safely." + +House uproariously cheered, and FRANK LOCKWOOD went off and drew a +sketch of the historical scene. + +_Business done._--More of Employers' Liability Bill. + +_Thursday._--Government in difficulties to-night. _Cherchez la femme._ +WALTER M'LAREN had her in charge; a modest little thing, merely asking +that women, whether married or single, should be enabled to vote +at election of Parish Councils. House not very full; no danger +anticipated; but Conservatives joined their forces with Radicals below +gangway, and before Ministers quite knew where they were they found +themselves in minority of twenty-one. + +[Illustration: "Winged!"] + +"Winged!" cried Admiral BORTHWICK. "The FOWLER went out shooting, and +comes home shot." + +Suggestion made that Government should resign; Mr. G. only smiled. + +Spiteful little thing RENTOUL said just now. Supporting amendment to +Employers' Liability Bill he remarked "Gentlemen who sit on this side +of the House are in favour of the amendment; gentlemen who sit on the +other side of the House equally approve it; whilst Sir ALBERT ROLLIT, +who sits on every side of the House, does not object to it." + +_Business done._--Employers' Liability Bill reported; Government +defeated; got into Committee on Parish Councils Bill. + +_Friday._--Rather painful scene to-night between SYDNEY BUXTON and +SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. SAGE, ever thirsting for knowledge, wanted +to know much about Matabeleland. Drafted a long string of questions +addressed to Under Secretary for Colonies. + +"Unfounded assumptions," BUXTON, in the pride of office, characterised +these simple interrogatories. The SAGE, insatiable for information, +desires to have the unfounded assumptions particularised. BUXTON +referred Members to the question. + +"But why," asked the SAGE, with tremble and pathos in his voice, "did +you call them unfounded assumptions?" + +Affected by this spectacle of genuine emotion, BUXTON proposed to +substitute for the obnoxious word milder form "unproved." + +"Yes," said the SAGE, sticking to his point; "but you said unfounded." +No use BUXTON attempting to deny this; lapsed into embarrassed +silence; probably will be more careful in future. + +_Business done._--Very little of Parish Councils Bill. + + * * * * * + +A COCKNEY ON A GREAT COLLECTION. + + [We are informed that Prince LUCIEN BONAPARTE'S unique library + of some 25,000 volumes, included "a complete set of _Punch_" + preserved presumably by the Prince for the specimens of + "Cockney dialect which it contains."] + + Jest fancy a Prince BONYPARTY sech nuts upon patter and slang! + Proves a Prince may be fly to wot's wot, and of chat as _is_ chat + 'ave the 'ang. + Lor bless yer, this LUCYUN, _'e_ knowed all the cackles + as ever was chinned. + I'll wager as _'e_ wos aweer as a Billingsgit Pheasant is _finned_! + He'd got SOLOMON'S song in Tyke lingo! A pity 'e didn't know _me_! + I'd ha' run it off into back slang, and ha' done it most willing and + free. + 'Cos a Prince and a Frenchy at that, as appreshiates _Punch_, + _and_ my patter, + Is a precious sight smarter than some "Cockney" criticks, and that's + wot's the matter! + So bully for Prince BONYPARTY! When weighed in 'e's well hup to + scale; + And _if_ them books come to the 'ammer, wy 'ARRY means seeing the + sale! + + * * * * * + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 244: Removed extrraneous 'not'. + +"and do not follow the senseless fashion of dressing ..." + +Page 252: 'embarassed' corrected to 'embarrassed'. + +"... lapsed into embarrassed silence;" + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, +November 25, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV 25, 1893 *** + +***** This file should be named 39504.txt or 39504.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/5/0/39504/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at + www.gutenberg.org/license. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 +North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email +contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the +Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |