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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 20:12:56 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 20:12:56 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/39504-8.txt b/39504-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7722f09 --- /dev/null +++ b/39504-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1656 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, November +25, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, November 25, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: April 22, 2012 [EBook #39504] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV 25, 1893 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, November 25th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.--"AFTER THE BALL." + + [The authors of the various versions of this "popular song" + will not, _Mr. Punch_ is sure, object to its refrain being + used in a far wider sense--being applied, so to speak, to a + more extensive _sphere_--than they contemplated.] + +[Illustration] + + Man, youth or maiden, amateurs, pros., + Season of snow-storms, time of the rose, + 'Tis the same story all have to tell! + Not even KIPLING'S go half as well. + Nay: and _this_ story is real and true. + All England over, Colonies too, + Cricketers, golfers, footballers, all + One pursuit follow--they're After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + After one ball-game's over, + Promptly the next seems born; + Quickly the Blackburn Rover + Treads on the "Corn Stalk's" corn. + GRACE, GUNN, and READ, the Brothers + RENSHAW, fall off with the Fall; + But there come hosts of others-- + After the Ball! + + Lords and the Oval, crowded and bright, + Send King Willow's subjects wild with delight. + What are they doing 'midst shout and cheer? + Smiting and chasing a small brown sphere! + Fielded. Sir! Well hit!! Played, _indeed!!!_ Wide!!!! + Oh, well returned, Sir! Caught! No! _Well_ tried! + Cheering! Half-maddened! And what means it all? + Grown men grown boys again--After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + Sixer, or maiden over, + Misfield that moves young scorn, + Every true cricket-lover + Stares at from early morn. + Watching the "champion" scoring, + Ring and pavilion, all + Chattering, cheering, roaring, + After the Ball! + + Then in October's chill and gloom, + Wickets for goals make reluctant room. + Talk is of "forwards," and "backs," and "tries." + "_Footbawl Herdition!_" the newsboy cries. + Fancy _that_, for a sportsman's fad! + Players go frantic, and critics mad; + Pros. and amateurs squabble and squall, + And cripples seek hospital--After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + After the Ball the "Rovers" + Rush, and the "Villans" troop; + "Wolves"--who have lamb-like lovers-- + Worry and whirl and whoop. + Scrimmages fierce, wild jostles, + Many a crashing fall, + Follow as "Blade" hunts "Throstle," + After the Ball! + + Balls are not all of leather, alas! + Cricket, golf, tennis, and football pass; + But ROBERTS the marvellous, PEALL the clever, + Like the Laureate's Brook, can go on for ever! + The ivory ball--like the carvings odd + In a Buddhist shrine--seems an ivory god; + And "A Million Up" will be next the call + Of the "exhibitionists"--After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + After the Ball is over? + Nay, it is _never_ done! + All the year round _some_ lover + Keeps up the spheric fun! + Ivory ball or leather, + Someone will run or sprawl, + Whate'er the hour or weather, + After the Ball! + + Is't that our earth, which, after all, + Itself's a "dark terrestrial ball," + Robs all "sportsmen" of sober sense + Within its "sphere of influence"? + "Special Editions" just to record + How many kicks at a ball are scored?!?! + Doesn't it prove that we mortals all + Have gone sheer "dotty"--After the Ball? + + _Chorus_-- + + After the Ball!--as batter, + Handler of club, racquet, cue. + Or kicker of goals--what matter? + A Ballomaniac you! + Each is as mad as a hatter, + Who is so eager to sprawl, + Scrimmage, scout, smash, smite, clatter, + After the Ball! + + * * * * * + +THE HEIGHT OF COMFORT. + +_Q._ I want to consult you about Flats. You must know all about them, +as you have tried this kind of "high life" for a year. And I am quite +charmed with the idea of getting one. Now, don't you find that they +have many advantages over the old-fashioned separate house system? + +_A._ Oh, a great many! + +_Q._ I suppose that even in such paradises a few drawbacks do exist? + +_A._ A few. For instance, did you notice, during your painful progress +upstairs, a doctor coming out of the rooms just below us? No? Then you +were fortunate. There's a typhoid case there, we hear. + +_Q._ Dear me! Now I think of it, I did meet a woman dressed as a +hospital nurse. But she was coming down from somewhere above you. + +_A._ Yes. The people over our heads. It's a scarlet fever patient they +have, I believe. We can hear the nurse moving about in the middle +of the night. And chemists' boys with medicines call at our door, by +mistake, at all hours. + +_Q._ Still, they can't get in. Your flat is your castle, surely? + +_A._ Quite so. It's a pity it isn't a roomier castle. Our bedrooms are +like cupboards, and look out on a dark court. We have to keep the gas +burning there all day. + +_Q._ Oh, indeed! But then, being on one floor, living must be much +cheaper, because you can do with only one servant? + +_A._ That is true; but we find that the difficulty is to get servants +to do with us. They hate being mastheaded like this; they miss the +area, and the talks with the tradesmen, and so on. + +_Q._ But they must go downstairs to take dust and cinders away? + +_A._ No, those go down the shoot. At least, a good many of the cinders +do, though some seem to stop on the way. Our downstair neighbours +complain horribly, and threaten to summon us. + +_Q._ Do they? On the whole, however, you find your fellow-residents +obliging? + +_A._ Oh, very! The landing window leads to some disputes. We like it +open. The people upstairs prefer it shut. The case comes on at the +police court next week. + +_Q._ You surprise me! Then, as regards other expenses, you save, don't +you, by paying no rates? + +_A._ We do. That is why our landlord charges us for these eight rooms +on one floor just double what we should have to pay for a large house +all to ourselves. + +_Q._ Thanks for giving me so much information. Of course, I knew there +must be some disadvantages. And you won't be surprised to hear that we +have taken a flat after all, as they are so fashionable? + +_A._ On the contrary, I should be quite surprised if you didn't. + + * * * * * + +WELCOME TO "JOEY!" + +[Illustration: "HERE WE ARE AGAIN!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SAD! + +_Sportsman_ (_proud of his favourite_). "NOW THAT'S A MARE I _MADE_ +ENTIRELY MYSELF! MARVELLOUSLY CLEVER, I CAN TELL YOU!" + +_Non-Sportsman_ (_from town, startled_). "EH, WHAT? DEAR ME! +WONDERFULLY CLEVER, CERTAINLY." (_Mentally._) "POOR FELLOW, POOR +FELLOW! WHAT A MOST EXTRAORDINARY HALLUCINATION!"] + + * * * * * + +HOME RAILS. + +(_By a Mournful Moralist._) + + Each day my heart with pity throbs; + Can sympathy refuse + The ready tears, the frequent sobs, + When reading City news? + + Not long ago I daily found + That you were good and "strong"-- + You gained but little, I'll be bound, + Nor kept that little long; + + Yet I was happy, since it meant + That, for a blissful term, + You were so very excellent, + So "steady" and so "firm." + + Prosperity brings pride to all; + You rose too high to sell. + Then--pride must always have a fall-- + You lamentably fell. + + Think what your altered state has cost. + Alas, you must confess + That you are ruined since you lost + Your noble steadiness! + + "Unsettled" then--oh, feeble will!-- + "Inactive" you were too. + There's Someone "finds some mischief still + For idle hands to do." + + "Why be inactive? All should work. + Rise then, and do not seek + Good honest enterprise to shirk, + Because you're rather "weak." + + Alas, what use exhorting that + Your fall you should annul? + When some remark that you are "flat," + And others call you "dull." + + At times I hoped that you would turn, + And mend your evil ways, + That you were "better," I would learn, + And "quiet" on some days. + + But now your baseness fitly ends, + "Irregular"--and so + You are "neglected" by your friends, + Who all pronounce you "low." + + This conduct gives me such a shock, + I wipe my streaming eyes-- + I want to sell some railway stock; + I'm waiting for the rise! + + * * * * * + +THE "ULTRA FASHIONABLE DINNER-HOUR" WHEN DICKENS WROTE _MARTIN +CHUZZLEWIT_.--It is mentioned by _Montague Tigg_, when that typical +swindler gives _Jonas Chuzzlewit_ an invitation to a little dinner. +It was "seven." Very few have guessed it, but most correspondents have +referred to the dinner-hour at _Todgers's_. But _Todgers's_ was a very +second-class establishment. + +SOMEBODY proposes another Dickensian query:--SCENE--_The wedding at +Wardle's._ TIME--_After the wedding breakfast:_--"At dinner they met +again, after a five-and-twenty-mile walk." Where did they breakfast, +and where did they dine, and how many hours did men of _Mr. +Pickwick's_ and _Mr. Tupman's_ build take to do a twenty-five-mile +walk in? + + * * * * * + +THE GOLFER'S PARADISE.--_Link_-ed sweetness long drawn out. + + * * * * * + +THE REAL ROADS TO SUCCESS.--CECIL RHODES. + + * * * * * + +REX LOBENGULA. + + ["Rhymes are difficult things, they are stubborn things, + Sir."--FIELDING: _Amelia_.] + + LOBENGÚLA! LOBENGÚLA! + How do you pronounce your name? + How do those who call you ruler + Your regality proclaim? + + Does the stalwart Matabele + Seared with many a cruel scar, + Ere he gives his life so freely, + Hail you King LOBENGULÁ? + + Have I read in British journals, + On a 'bus _en route_ to Holborn, + Telegrams where British Colonels + Have the cheek to call you LÓ-BEN? + + Has your name some fearful meaning + Redolent of blood and bones, + Or am I correct in weening + It's vernacular for JONES? + + Kaiser! Potentate! Dictator! + Any title that's sublime + Choose, but send us cis-equator + For your name the proper rhyme. + + * * * * * + +AFTER THE CALL. + + ["A further call of £5 per share has recently been made on the + shareholders in one of the companies in the Balfour group."] + + After the call is over, + What is there left to do, + All absolutely vanished, + Left not a single sou. + Furniture, trinkets, money, + Gone, gone, alas! are they all; + What is there left but the workhouse + After the call? + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE XV.--_The Drawing-room at Hornbeam Lodge._ TIME--_Monday +evening, about six._ ALTHEA _is listlessly striking chords on the +piano_; Mrs. TOOVEY _is sitting by one of the windows_. + +_Mrs. Toovey_ (_to herself_). Where _did_ THEOPHILUS go last Saturday? +He is either the most consummate hypocrite, or the most blameless lamb +that ever breathed; and I'm sure _I_ don't know which! But I'll find +out when CHARLES comes. It would be almost a relief to find Pa _was_ +guilty; for, if he isn't---- But, thank goodness, he is not very +likely ever to hear where _I_ was that evening! + +_Althea_ (_to herself_). It couldn't _really_ have been Mamma in that +box; she has never made the slightest reference to it. I almost wish +she _had_ been there; it would have been easier to tell her. What +_would_ she say if she knew I had gone to such a place as the +Eldorado? + + [_She drifts, half unconsciously, into the air of_ "The Hansom + Cabman." + +_Mrs. Toov._ What is that tune you are playing, THEA? + +_Alth._ (_flushing_). N--nothing, Mamma. Only a tune I heard when I +was in town. The--the boys in the street whistle it. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Then it's hardly fit to be played upon _my_ piano. +I shouldn't wonder if it came out of one of those abominable +music-halls! + +_Alth._ (_to herself_). She must mean something by that. If she was +there after all! (_Aloud, distressed._) Mamma, what makes you say +that? Do--do you _know_? + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_in equal confusion_). Know! Explain yourself, child. +How could I possibly----? (_To herself._) I shall betray myself if I +am not more careful! + +_Alth._ I--I thought--I don't know--it was the way you said it. (_To +herself._) I very nearly did for myself _that_ time! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_as_ ALTHEA _strikes more chords_). For goodness' sake, +THEA, either play a proper piece, or shut up the piano and take up +some useful work. There's the crazy-quilt I've begun for the Bazaar; +you might get on with that. + +_Alth._ (_closing the piano_). The colours _are_ so frightful, Mamma! + +_Mrs. Toov._ What does that signify, my dear? When it's for a charity! +Really, I'm beginning to think this visit to town has not had at all +a good effect upon you. You've come back unable to settle down to +anything. Yes, I see a great change in you, ALTHEA, and it's not +confined to the worldly way you do your hair. I sincerely hope it will +not strike Mr. CURPHEW as it does me. You know he is dining here this +evening? I told him in my note that if he _liked_ to come a little +earlier----(_Significantly._) I think he has something to say to you, +THEA. Perhaps you can guess what? + +_Alth._ (_twisting her hands nervously_). Oh no, Mamma. I--I can't see +Mr. CURPHEW--not alone, I mean. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Don't be ridiculous, my dear. You know perfectly well +that he admires you. He has very properly spoken first to your +father, and we both consider you a most fortunate girl. He is a truly +excellent young man, which is the _first_ consideration; and, what +is even _more_ important, he is, as far as I can gather, making an +excellent income. And you can't deny that you were interested in him +from the very first. + +_Alth._ N--not in that way, Mamma. At least, not any longer. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Nonsense. If Mr. CURPHEW proposes, I shall be seriously +annoyed if you put him off with any foolish shilly-shallying. Mind +that. And here he is--at least, it's _somebody_ at the front door. +I've mislaid my glasses as usual. And if it is Mr. CURPHEW, I shall +send him in here at once; so remember what I've said. (_She goes out +into the hall, and discovers her nephew_ CHARLES.) So it is _you_, +CHARLES! You're rather earlier than I expected. + +_Charles._ Nothing much doing at the office, Aunt. And I thought I +might have to dress for dinner, you know. + +_Mrs. Toov._ You ought to know by this time that we are plain people +and do not not follow the senseless fashion of dressing ourselves +up for a family dinner, but I am glad you came early, all the same, +CHARLES, as I should like a little talk with you before your Uncle +comes in. We had better go into the study. (_To herself, as she leads +the way._) Now I shall get it out of him! + +END OF SCENE XV. + +[Illustration: "Dear, dear me!"] + + +SCENE XVI.--_In the Study._ + +_Mrs. Toovey_ (_fixing_ CHARLES _with her eye_). What is this I hear +of your proceedings last Saturday night, CHARLES? Come, you can't +deceive _me_, you know! + +_Charles._ I never made any secret about my proceedings. I told Uncle +we might probably drop into the Eldorado or somewhere after dinner. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, in consternation_). The Eldorado? they +_did_ go there then! If only they didn't see me! (_Aloud._) Yes, +CHARLES, go on. And while you were there, did you see anyone you--you +thought you recognised? + +_Charles_ (_to himself_). She's heard! (_Aloud._) I should rather +think I _did_, Aunt. Never was more surprised in my life. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_with a groan_). And--and was your _Uncle_ surprised, +too, CHARLES? + +_Charles._ Uncle? I haven't told _him_ yet. + +_Mrs. Toov._ But he was _there_, CHARLES, with you; he must have +seen--whatever you did! Or didn't he? + +_Charles._ At the Valhalla? my _dear_ Aunt! + +_Mrs. Toov._ Who's talking about a Valhalla? I mean the _Eldorado_, of +course; that was where you _said_ you went! + +_Charles._ No--no, we couldn't get in at the El.; all the stalls gone, +so we went to the Val. instead. Just the same sort of thing. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, relieved_). To the Val.! What a fright I've +had for nothing! (_Aloud._) I quite understand, CHARLES. You took +your Uncle to a place called the Val., _not_ the--er--El. What did you +_see_ there? that's the point! + +_Charles._ I didn't take Uncle there; I was with a man from our office +when I saw him. I must have seen him there often enough, but somehow +I never spotted him before. It was the make-up, the _disguise_, you +know, wig and moustache, and all that. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Do you mean to say your Uncle attends music-halls +disguised in a wig and moustache? CHARLES, who was he _with_? I _will_ +know! + +_Charles_ (_in fits of laughter_). Uncle? At the Val. in disguise? +now, is it _likely_? I thought you knew all about it, or I shouldn't +have said a word! + +_Mrs. Toov._ You have said too much to stop _now_, CHARLES. It +is useless to try to turn it off like that. If it was not Pa you +recognised at this Val. place, who _was_ it? + +_Charles_ (_to himself_). If I don't tell her she'll only go on +suspecting poor old Uncle THEO. (_Aloud._) Well, you're bound to find +it out sooner or later; and I admire him all the more for it myself. +I'd no idea he had it _in_ him. Shows how mistaken you may be in +fellows. + +_Mrs. Toov._ I've yet to learn who and what you are talking about, +CHARLES! + +_Charles._ Why, that quiet, modest friend of yours, Mr. CLARENCE +CURPHEW, if you _must_ know! + +_Mrs. Toov._ I don't believe it. Mr. CURPHEW is not at all the sort of +young man to spend his money in such resorts. + +_Charles._ He don't _spend_ it there--he _makes_ it. My dear Aunt, you +ought to feel honoured by having such a distinguished acquaintance. +Don't you remember my mentioning the great music-hall star, WALTER +WILDFIRE? You must. Well, CLARENCE CURPHEW and WALTER WILDFIRE are one +and the same person--honour bright, they are! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_sinking back with a gasp_). A--a music-hall star! And +I have been urging ALTHEA to---- Oh, how fortunate it is I have been +warned in time! He shall not see her--I will write and put him off--at +once! + + [Mr. TOOVEY _enters blandly_. + +_Mr. Toov._ Ah, CHARLES, my boy, so here you are? that's right, that's +right. You, too, CORNELIA? (_To her, in an undertone._) It's all +right, my love--our dear young friend, Mr. CURPHEW, you know--we met +on the doorstep just now, and I've left him and THEA together in the +drawing-room. I thought it was best, eh? + + [_He looks to her for approval._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ You've left---- But there, I might have known! No, don't +speak to me, Pa--there's no time to lose! Come with me, CHARLES, I may +want you. + + [_She rustles out of the room, followed by_ CHARLES. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_looking after her in mild perplexity_). Dear, dear me! +I wonder what can be the matter _now_. CORNELIA seems so very---- I +hardly like to go and see--and yet, perhaps, I ought--perhaps I ought. +There's one comfort, whatever it is, it can't have anything to do with +that dreadful Eldorado. Yes, I'd better go and look into it! + + [_He goes out._--_End of Scene XVI._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "USING LANGUAGE." + +_The Squire._ "WELL, SMITH, I WANT YOUR ADVICE. HADN'T WE BETTER LET +THEM HAVE THEIR WAY THIS TIME?" + +_Smith._ "NO, NO, SIR. STICK TO YOUR RIGHTS! WHAT _I_ SAY IS--'GIVE +SUCH PEOPLE A HINCH AND THEY'LL TAKE A HELL'--IF YOU'LL PARDON MY +USIN' SUCH STRONG LANGUAGE!"] + + * * * * * + +MAGIC AND MANUFACTURES. + +(_A Fairy Fragment from the German._) + +Little ALICE was delighted with her surroundings. She had found her +way into a lumber-room, which was filled with modern furniture and +modern toys. "How pretty they are!" she exclaimed; "and how I would +like to speak to them!" + +Then the Cup and Saucer labelled a "Present from Ramsgate," and the +Old Grandfather's Clock glowed with satisfaction. Evidently they +wished to join in the conversation. + +Then ALICE thought that perhaps she might raise a sprite or a goblin +of some magical person by reading ANDERSEN'S Fairy Stories backward. +She had scarcely, with some difficulty, completed the first page +(rendered reversely) of "The Shepherdess and the Brave Tin Soldier," +when an old lady, about eighteen inches high, suddenly appeared before +her. + +"You want all these inanimate things to speak?" said the new comer. +"Well, you will be disappointed if they do." + +ALICE protested that she would be delighted beyond measure if they +would but talk. "It will be interesting, so very interesting, dear +godmother," she cried; and then she added, "I suppose I may assume +that you _are_ my godmother?" + +"You may assume anything you like," snapped out the little old lady; +"only don't bother me. Here! I authorise all these things to talk. I +will be back again by-and-by to see how you are getting on. Adieu." +And then the little old lady disappeared. And then, as she had +foretold, ALICE suffered great disappointment. + +The Cup and Saucer "A Present from Ramsgate," began speaking sixteen +words to the dozen, but ALICE could not make out the meaning. Then the +Old Grandfather's Clock talked, but without better effect. ALICE could +not understand a syllable. And the box of tin Highlanders followed +suit. So did a doll dressed as an Irish peasant. Then all sorts of +things that seemed to be English to the backbone or last ounce +of metal--scissors, books, and calico curtains--kept up a fire of +conversation. But ALICE could make out nothing. She was absolutely +astounded. Here were heaps of British goods suddenly endowed with the +power of speech, and yet she could not understand them! + +And as she considered, the little old lady again appeared. + +"Well, child!" she exclaimed. "What's the matter? You seem perplexed! +Have not all the toys been talking?" + +"Why, yes," faltered ALICE; "but then you see I cannot understand a +word they say!" + +"Of course you cannot," replied the Fairy. "They speak only their +native language." + +"Their native language! Then why don't they speak English?" + +"Because, my good girl," returned the Fairy, preparing to take her +departure, "they cannot. You see, young lady, they don't know anything +about the English language, and this is natural enough, for they were +all made in Germany!" + + * * * * * + +THE FUTURE OF HOME RULE. + + MR. GL-DST-NE: ANOTHER TELEPATHIC AUTOMATIC INTERVIEW. + +I had not seen Mr. GL-DST-NE for two days, nor had I heard from him +for three posts, neither knew I where he was. I knew he _had_ been at +Downing Street. That evening I found myself in an Inner Circle train, +and no sooner there than I made up my mind to ask Mr. GL-DST-NE if he +would mind my interviewing him. My hand at once wrote--on the margin +of my evening paper--that he was at Downing Street, and that I might +have the interview. It was quite an ordinary one, except that I +thought the questions and wrote the answers on my knee with my hand. +"Well, Mr. GL-DST-NE," I said, or, rather, thought, "what do you think +of Home Rule?" My hand (not the Old Parliamentary Hand) wrote:-- + +"W. E. G. I do not think that I shall be in any way departing from +what has long since become to be recognised as the practice applicable +to this present set of circumstances, a practice to which I am able +to speak from an experience of more than sixty years, when I say +speaking, not merely for myself, but for the whole of the Members of +the Cabinet, and, indeed, I may fairly say of the Government in its +entirety, that we are not indisposed to grant to Ireland that measure +of self-government for which she is asking in a constitutional way +through her duly elected representatives, and that we earnestly hope +that as a result of our efforts we may be enabled, with a reasonable +prospect of finality, to put an end to a condition of affairs which +for the whole of the present century has embittered our relations +with our sister country, and has exposed us to the censures of +every authority in the civilised world whose acknowledged competency +entitles him to an opinion." + +Then I ventured a question as to the future. "What about Home Rule +next Session, Mr. GL-DST-NE?" + +"The question as to what position the Home Rule controversy will +assume next Session is naturally one which can only be determined when +we have before us all the facts which are essential for the purpose +of enabling us to arrive at a definitive conclusion, and as soon as +it becomes reasonably plain what the exact position of parties will +be when it becomes necessary to decide on what lines the policy of +the Government will proceed. I may, however, say that, whilst not +forgetful in any way of the obligations of honour under which the +Liberal party lie to the Irish people, and whilst it will be our duty +at the earliest available moment to press forward measures which shall +carry out our pledges in that direction, we shall not forget that the +consideration of what are not unnaturally termed English reforms is an +imperative necessity, to which the attention of the Government will be +directed at the first opportunity." + +By this time I had reached Charing Cross, and as I passed out the +ticket-examiner handed me a postcard. It was in Mr. GL-DST-NE'S +writing. Judge of my astonishment when I found that quite +spontaneously he had written to me just what I had written in the +interview. I at once wrote to him and informed him of what had +happened. His answer was: "It is most extraordinary. If I didn't +believe all you tell me, I should have come to the conclusion that +you faked (I think that is the word) the interview up out of my old +speeches." So there you have the whole story. Someone suggests I +should publish the postcard. Curiously enough, I have mislaid it. But +two and two make four, and you can go and ask the ticket-examiner. + + * * * * * + +Cause and Effect. + +"I am occupied with my secretaries while I am dressing."--_Lord +Herschell to the deputation of Liberal Members, Nov. 16._ + +"Mr. K. MUIR MACKENZIE, Q.C., Permanent Sec. to the LORD CHANCELLOR, +has been made a Companion of the Bath."--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +PLEASANT SPOOKERY. + +Yes, thanks to BRANDON THOMAS'S skill, and PENLEY'S comic _nous_, The +lucky "Globe" may well be called the real '_Aunt_-ed House! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BABY-WORSHIP. (THE POINT OF VIEW.) + +"YOUR NIECES SEEM VERY FOND OF BABIES, MR. SINNICK. I SUPPOSE YOU ARE +TOO?" + +"OH YES; LIKE 'EM AWFULLY; ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY BEGIN TO _CRY_." + +"AH, YOU THINK THE DEAR LITTLE THINGS ARE IN PAIN?" + +"YES; AND SOMEBODY RINGS THE BELL, YOU KNOW, AND THE NURSE COMES, AND +THE DEAR LITTLE THINGS ARE TAKEN AWAY TO THE NURSERY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE HANDY BOY. + + ["In the office he held, which in reality was much too heavy + for any single man to bear, it was necessary to live almost a + monastic life, and the eight hours which some persons regarded + as a maximum of toil seemed to those who occupied that + position a dim and distant and golden vision."--_Lord + Rosebery, at the opening of the Battersea Town Hall_.] + +_The Missis soliloquiseth_:-- + + Ah! he's really the usefullest boy, that + young PRIMROSE, that ever we've had, + And I'm sure I don't know, not sometimes, + how we'd get along, but for that lad! + So willing, and so civil-spoken, yet none too + much given to mag. + He does the House credit all round, and I'm + sure he's the pick o' the bag. + + Gets through his own work without + worrit, and then he's so good at odd jobs! + Which some servants are awfully uppish, and + thinks themselves no end of nobs. + But PRIMROSE is pleasant and modest, you + know where the boy's to be found, + And there's nothing he won't turn his hand + to, to make things agreeable all round. + + Heigho! How I wish----But no matter! + Young PRIMROSE, he _knows_ such a lot, + And he seems to be trusted by all, which + some of us, I fear,--well, are _not_. + There is WILLIAM, the butler, and John, now; + they 're excellent servants, of course, + Yet they don't seem as happy as PRIMROSE, + although the boy works like a horse! + + _His_ task's to attend to the door, which needs + wonderful quickness and tact; + For our visitors, foreign and others, _are_ + troublesome, that is a fact. + But Russian, or Frenchman, or L.C.C. boss + from out Battersea way, + Or a working-man out of a job, PRIMMY + always knows just what to say. + + He's a treasure, that boy; and I'm always + a-putting fresh work on his back! + There's this Coal Question now! Awful + worry! He has such a wonderful knack + I am sure he might settle _that_ shindy. If + so he will just be a jewel! + If pig-headedness holds on _both_ sides, we + shall presently run out of fuel. + + If he can "conciliate" them, it will truly be + very good biz: + And so I've _suggested_--no more!--that "the + boy"--ah! by Jove, here he is! + Poor chap! Two big scuttles--up-stairs! + He must find it a terrible pull, + With _his_ work too! But if he succeeds--well, + the cup of his credit is full. + + Ah, PRIMROSE, my boy! This _is_ good of you! + Two at a time, too. Oh, dear!-- + It is not just _your_ work, I'll allow, and you + find they are heavy, I fear. + But you know what a bother it's been. Some + chaps are such obstinate souls!-- + But I was quite sure that _you_ wouldn't mind + stooping to--taking up coals! + + * * * * * + +Why does LOBENGULA, when finding fault with his regiments, appear a +great commander? Because then he is an Impi rater. + + * * * * * + +QUEER CARDS. + +(_By a Rural Innkeeper, who has been "had."_) + + They come to me (a poor old chap!) + And take one room--mostly the same; + A quiet spot, they say, for Nap: + (But "Crib's" their real game.) + Their luggage is a smallish trunk, + A whopping walking-stick--alway! + When for a month they've fed and drunk, + I gently hint at pay. + They say, "Why, certainly! They mean + To dwell some months beneath my roof. + So happy they have _never_ been!" + (I think they call this "Spoof.") + They swear my wife's the best of cooks, + They hint they're half in love with SUKEY, + My daughter, who _can_ boast good looks + (And here begins Blind Hookey). + Then, when they're some more weeks in debt, + I tell them Tick's last door is shut; + When--their knave's tricks not ended yet-- + They shuffle--pack--and _cut_! + + * * * * * + +BUSINESS. + + ["France, it is expected, will endeavour to hasten England's + evacuation of Egypt, and Russia will try to settle the + question of the Dardanelles."--_Daily Chronicle._] + + Who says that Franco-Russian gush + Means naught, to reason's optic? + The Russ will help the Frank to rush + England, from regions Coptic; + And--here JOHN BULL must surely flinch, + While Gallia's bosom swells!-- + The Bear, if but allowed an inch, + Will take--the Dardanelles! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HANDY BOY! + +THE MISSIS. "I KNEW YOU HAD PLENTY TO DO, PRIMROSE, BUT I WAS QUITE +SURE YOU WOULDN'T MIND TAKING UP THOSE COALS!"] + + * * * * * + +THE OLD AND NEW SCHOOL--FOR SCANDAL. + +The two principal figures to be considered are Mr. WILLIAM FARREN, +who, as _Sir Peter_, is a Master of Arts in the OLD SCHOOL, and Miss +REHAN, who as _Lady Teazle_ is an experimentalising teacher in the New +_School for Scandal_. All playgoers, whose memory takes them back over +a quarter of a century, must be familiar with WILLIAM FARREN'S _Sir +Peter_, which, in our time may have been rivalled, but has rarely +been equalled (I do not remember his equal in the past), and certainly +never excelled. A trifle overdone now and then, a trifle hard in +manner here and there, perhaps, but, as a whole, simply admirable. +Mr. DALY never made a better engagement than when he secured WILLIAM +FARREN for _Sir Peter_. About Miss REHAN'S _Lady Teazle_ there will be +various opinions and, truth to tell, I do not precisely know from what +point of view and by what standard to judge of her performance. _Sir +Peter_ describes her as "a girl bred wholly in the country," and +so forth, "yet," he continues, "she now plays her part in all the +extravagant fopperies of fashion and the town with as ready a grace as +if she had never seen a bush or a grass plot out of Grosvenor Square." +To let her country training be perceived through the assumed airs and +graces of a town Madame seems to me to be Miss REHAN'S object; and in +this, granting her ideas of the country hoyden and the town lady to +be correct, she certainly succeeds; notably in the scenes with _Sir +Peter_. For thus is the Jekyl-and-Hyde-ness of her character made +apparent: in company, in the scandal scenes, she is to be all airs and +graces, but when alone with her husband she, in spite of her perpetual +wrangling with him, reappears as her own natural self, with most of +the polish temporarily rubbed off. But if this be so, then, when in +"society," her funny little run and shaking of the head are out of +place, while they may be accepted as a relapse into her provincialisms +when she is quite free and easy, _en tête-à-tête_ with _Sir Peter_, +and especially bent on captivating him by recalling to his memory the +lass of whom he had become desperately enamoured some eight months +ago. + +[Illustration: _Shade of Sheridan._ "William Farren, my old friend, I +congratulate you: and I suspect that in the present generation I owe +you much." + +_Sir William Peter Farren Teazle._ "Not more than I do you, Mr. +Sheridan. Let us say, mutually indebted." + + [_They exchange snuff-pinches._ +] + +In the Screen Scene when "discovered," Miss REHAN'S attitude is +eloquent; and on this tableau I have always thought the curtain should +descend, as all after this, even _Sir Peter's_ exit with "damn your +sentiments," good as it is, is an anti-climax. I should prefer that +Miss REHAN'S _Lady Teazle_ should be silent, or if it must be played +as written, then here of all situations in the comedy would I insist +upon her emphasising the perfectly natural manner of the unaffected +country girl, instead of addressing Sir _Peter_ in the deep tones of a +tragedian, as if attempting a mere theatrical effect. In the last Act, +as arranged, she appears to have done with her town airs and graces +for ever, and, wearing a queer sort of mob-cap, enters on _Sir +Peter's_ arm, ready with him to face the ridicule, the satire, and the +scandal of their world. + +Miss VANBRUGH makes a delightful _Lady Sneerwell_, and Mrs. GILBERT +a dear old _Mrs. Candour_, who would spitefully gossip about her +neighbours for hours together. _Maria_ is almost always a thankless +part, and Miss PERCY HASWELL leaves no doubt on the mind of the +audience of her being a poor orphan of some six months' standing. +The part of _Moses_ offers very little scope to Mr. JAMES LEWIS, +especially as the celebrated "I'll take my oath of that" is cut out, +and some lines are introduced, which being quite un-Sheridanesque and +un-Mosaic do not in the least assist the character. However, as he is +much slapped on the back, dug in the ribs, and generally treated as a +butt by _Charles_ and _Careless_ (who, by the way, gives _"Here's to +the Maiden"_ in first-rate style), Mr. LEWIS may be congratulated on +getting to the end of his impersonation of one of the long-suffering +tribe in perfect safety. Mr. BOURCHIER'S _Charles_ goes well with +the audience; but Mr. GEORGE CLARKE is too conscientious, and too +impressed with a sense of the horrible scoundrelism of _Joseph's_ +character to be ever really at home in so uncongenial a part. + +For the re-arrangement, much may be said "for," and more "against." +There is only one point that strikes me as absolutely inartistic, and +that is, making _Sir Peter_ give his explanatory speech about his wife +_after_ we have seen her, instead of leaving it in its proper place, +as SHERIDAN wrote it, where it serves as a prologue to the subsequent +scene between _Sir Peter_ and _Lady Teazle_, when she appears for the +first time in the comedy. + +There are some curious oversights in the scenic arrangements at +Daly's. The first is in _Charles Surface's_ picture gallery, _which +has no windows and no skylight_. The second is that though _Charles_ +has sold all his books, yet through the door of the picture-room are +seen the first shelves of an evidently well-stocked library. The third +oversight is in _Joseph's_ chambers, described in the original play +as "_a library in Joseph Surface's house_," where, when he tells _Sir +Peter_ that "_books are the only things I am a coxcomb in_," there are +only a very few volumes to be seen, and these are lying at haphazard +on a table. + +[Illustration: Lady Ada Rehan Teazle. + +"In for some sort of a run"--at Daly's.] + +To revert for a moment to _Charles Surface's_ windowless and +skylightless picture gallery, the scene takes place in the evening, +after dinner, or supper, and how is the huge apartment lighted? Why, +by a couple of ordinary candles placed on a side-table, while on the +mantelpiece at the back remain a couple of silver candelabra, filled +with candles which remain all the time unlighted. Why, naturally, the +company would have been in darkness, but not a bit of it, for these +two candles do give so preternaturally wonderful an illumination, that +the stage is as bright as a sunlighted garden at noonday in July. The +company that could produce such candles would make a fortune by their +patent. The dance at the end of the first Act brings down the curtain +to enthusiastic applause, and, to the end, the old comedy, in spite +of various chops and changes, holds its own, as it ever will do, +triumphantly. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +FATHER CHRISTMAS is already sending out his Cards for the Coming +Festivity, now six weeks ahead. His representatives all "decorated," +and still ready to receive any amount of "orders," are MARCUS WARD, +the RAPHAEL TUCK family, C. W. FAULKNER, C. DELGADO, and many others, +whose excellent works are known to all, and by none more appreciated +than by the youthful Baronites and Baronitesses. + +"BLACKIE AND SON!" says a Junior Baronite; "why, that must he the +publishers of Christy Minstrel works!" but they are soon undeceived. +Such delightful books! their very bindings are suggestive of +cheerfulness, and seem to invite inspection. We will take a peep +inside, like Jack Horner, and pull out the best plummed story. +Three by G. A. HENTY, who knows how and what to write for youths of +adventurous spirit. His three are:-- + +_Through the Sikh War._ Indian affairs are always of interest to the +young Britisher, "who will," quoth the little Baronite, "_seek_ and +find all he wants in this book." + +_St. Bartholomew's Eve_ might be a tale of curiosity, but it is +history, and deals with the valour of an English boy during the +Huguenot Wars. Being a hero, he does not get killed in the massacre, +but lives to fight another day. + +_A Jacobite Exile_ is a tale of the Swedes. Hardly necessary, perhaps, +or as SHAKSPEARE puts it, "Swedes to the Swede,--superfluous." To the +English reader, therefore, it is not a superfluity. + +Then here is The _Penny Illustrated_. It is called "_Roses_" and +whatever any reader may require, here he will find it "all among the +roses." The rearer and cultivator of these "Roses" is JOHN LATEY, +whose "Rose of Hastings" is among the best of the contributions. "We +can't do better than provide ourselves and our families with this +specimen of a Flowery Annual," quoth, + + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW ADJECTIVE. + +_Customer._ "YOU'LL FIND I MEASURE A BIT MORE ROUND THE WAIST THAN I +DID LAST TIME YOU TOOK MY MEASURE." + +_Tailor._ "AH, WELL, SIR, IF I MAY BE ALLOWED TO SAY SO, YOU _ARE_ A +TRIFLE MORE--AH--MORE _LOBENGULOUS_ THAN FORMERLY."] + + * * * * * + +1,000,000 A. D. + + ["The descendants of man will nourish themselves by immersion + in nutritive fluid. They will have enormous brains, liquid, + soulful eyes, and large hands, on which they will hop. No + craggy nose will they have, no vestigial ears; their mouths + will be a small, perfectly round aperture, unanimal, like the + evening star. Their whole muscular system will be shrivelled + to nothing, a dangling pendant to their minds."--_Pall Mall + Gazette, abridged._] + +[Illustration] + + What, a million years hence, will become of the _Genus + Humanum_, is truly a question vexed; + At that epoch, however, _one_ prophet has seen us + Resemble the sketch annexed. + + For as Man undergoes Evolution ruthless, + His skull will grow "dome-like, bald, terete"; + And his mouth will be jawless, gumless, toothless-- + No more will he drink or eat! + + He will soak in a crystalline bath of pepsine, + (No ROBERT will then have survived, to wait,) + And he'll hop on his hands as his food he steps in-- + A quasi-cherubic gait! + + No longer the land or the sea he'll furrow; + The world will be withered, ice-cold, dead + As the chill of Eternity grows, he'll burrow + Far down underground instead. + + If the _Pall Mall Gazette_ has thus been giving + A forecast correct of this change immense, + Our stars we may thank, then, that _we_ shan't be living + A million years from hence! + + * * * * * + +ONE DOWN T'OTHER COME ON.--King Log is a most useful substitute when +King Coal has temporarily abdicated. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, November 13._--TOMLINSON has for some time +observed with deepening disfavour his position in House as affected +by, and compared with, that of his friend and companion dear, TOMASSO +BOWLES. TOMMY, to drop into the affectionate diminutive, is a mere +child compared with him. He is but the birth of the last General +Election; whilst for thirteen years this very month TOMLINSON has +presented at Westminster Preston's idea of the highest form of culture +and intelligence. + +Employers' Liability Bill offered opportunity for coming to front; +not that either as Employer or Employed TOMLINSON has any special +knowledge on subject. But he sees as clearly into its bearings as +he does through the average Lancashire stone wall. Awake at nights +drafting new Clauses that should baffle ASQUITH and make the SQUIRE OF +MALWOOD sit up. Looked most imposing on paper. Thought at one time of +posting copy to every elector of Preston, so that he might see what +a power in Senate is the borough Member. Wouldn't cost so much since, +posted at House of Commons in official wrapper, they might go free. +Still there would be remarks made if TOMLINSON drove into Palace +Yard enthroned on top of waggon containing 15,959 addressed copies of +Amendments to Employers' Liability Bill. Gave up idea. Electors +must buy the papers where, in Parliamentary reports, they would read +voluminous digests of his speeches. + +Began soon after House took up Bill this afternoon. First group of +Amendments covered folio page of print. Read admirably; if it had not +been usual for Member in charge of new Clause to explain to House its +object and effect in operation success would have been assured. Here's +where TOMLINSON came to grief; talked for some time; House listened at +first, honestly intent upon considering project, whatever it might he. +Effect of TOMLINSON'S speech not elucidatory. The more he talked the +more hopeless the muddle. When he sat down anguished listeners not +quite sure whether he had (1) moved the Clause, (2) proposed to +withdraw it, or (3) suggested that a more convenient place for +insertion would he found later on. Fortunately new Clause in print +among Amendments. That ASQUITH should decline to have anything to do +with it natural enough. Saddest of all befel when from his own side +of House ROLLIT bluntly denounced Clause, CARSON hoped it wouldn't +be pressed, and HENRY JAMES, from allied camp opposite, demolished it +with final shot. + +[Illustration: THE HOME SECRETARY'S SAFETY-VALVE. TRAFALGAR SQUARE OF +THE FUTURE.] + +This not encouraging, but there were other Amendments standing in his +name of which something must be said. TOMLINSON rose when called on, +but gratefully sat down when greeted with mirthful cries for division. +Only gleam of comfort in sorrowful night was when TOMMY BOWLES, +rushing in whence he had retreated, called down on himself SPEAKER'S +stern commentary that his remarks were "quite irrelevant." + +_Business done._--Report Stage of Employers' Liability Bill. + +_Tuesday._--To casual observer there is nothing in personal appearance +of UGHTRED KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH suggestive of the Tartar. Yet to-night +Sir ELLIS ASHMEAD BART(LETT), going a hunting on the Treasury Bench +preserves, bagged Secretary to Admiralty and found he had caught +a Tartar. ASHMEAD, in his self-asserted character of BRITANNIA'S +Confidential Clerk, tried to draw UGHTRED on subject of Naval Scare. +SHUTTLEWORTH, with manner that combined severity of a magistrate with +benignity of a dean, managed to present ASHMEAD in aspect of +fussy person who, having had some official knowledge, in whatever +subordinate position, ought to have been able to restrain the +self-assertiveness that led him to put such a question. House, which +does not do credit to The BART(LETT)'S many sterling qualities, roared +with delight. Stung to quick, ASHMEAD up again; shouted across table, +"I ask the right hon. gentleman whether he can give me any evidence of +his being alive----" House, struck with evidence to that effect just +given, broke in with fresh roar of laughter. ASHMEAD stood glaring +round at merry circle. When noise subsided, continued: "----any +evidence of his being alive to the importance of his duties?" More +laughter. ASHMEAD appealed to SPEAKER to reprimand KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH. +Speaker justified Minister's action. One more attempt; one more +rebuff; and ASHMEAD subsided for the night, not quite sure after all +that silence isn't golden. At least it used to bring in £1000 a year. + +_Business done._--A good deal with the Employers' Liability Bill. + +_Wednesday._--Another quiet sitting with Employers' Liability Bill. +Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES, respectfully removing his tarpaulin, and shifting +his quid, relieved dullness of afternoon by some capital yarns. One +drew a vivid picture of dangers that lurk behind the casual pilot. On +a dark night in midsummer Cap'en TOMMY, a-sailing down the coast of +Barbaree, came upon what looked like a town. Turned out to be Algiers; +hauled down his main yard; ran out the topgallantsail spanker, and +bore down on the harbour. Just as he was entering was boarded by +pilot. + +"Sheer off!" says TOMMY through his polyglot speaking-trumpet. "Don't +want your help; know every rock and shoal on the coast; will take the +ship in myself." + +Pilot produced from lining at back of his trousers Code of +Regulations; this set forth that pilot was compulsory. Nothing to do +but submit, unless he would involve Great Britain in war. Pilot +came aboard; took charge; forged ahead; just going to run ship on +breakwater when TOMMY'S keen eye perceived danger. + +[Illustration: Tommy Bowles and the Pilot.] + +"Sir," said the only Member of House of Commons who, since BIG BEN'S +death, holds a sea captain's certificate, "I took my ship out of the +pilot's hand, and brought her in safely." + +House uproariously cheered, and FRANK LOCKWOOD went off and drew a +sketch of the historical scene. + +_Business done._--More of Employers' Liability Bill. + +_Thursday._--Government in difficulties to-night. _Cherchez la femme._ +WALTER M'LAREN had her in charge; a modest little thing, merely asking +that women, whether married or single, should be enabled to vote +at election of Parish Councils. House not very full; no danger +anticipated; but Conservatives joined their forces with Radicals below +gangway, and before Ministers quite knew where they were they found +themselves in minority of twenty-one. + +[Illustration: "Winged!"] + +"Winged!" cried Admiral BORTHWICK. "The FOWLER went out shooting, and +comes home shot." + +Suggestion made that Government should resign; Mr. G. only smiled. + +Spiteful little thing RENTOUL said just now. Supporting amendment to +Employers' Liability Bill he remarked "Gentlemen who sit on this side +of the House are in favour of the amendment; gentlemen who sit on the +other side of the House equally approve it; whilst Sir ALBERT ROLLIT, +who sits on every side of the House, does not object to it." + +_Business done._--Employers' Liability Bill reported; Government +defeated; got into Committee on Parish Councils Bill. + +_Friday._--Rather painful scene to-night between SYDNEY BUXTON and +SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. SAGE, ever thirsting for knowledge, wanted +to know much about Matabeleland. Drafted a long string of questions +addressed to Under Secretary for Colonies. + +"Unfounded assumptions," BUXTON, in the pride of office, characterised +these simple interrogatories. The SAGE, insatiable for information, +desires to have the unfounded assumptions particularised. BUXTON +referred Members to the question. + +"But why," asked the SAGE, with tremble and pathos in his voice, "did +you call them unfounded assumptions?" + +Affected by this spectacle of genuine emotion, BUXTON proposed to +substitute for the obnoxious word milder form "unproved." + +"Yes," said the SAGE, sticking to his point; "but you said unfounded." +No use BUXTON attempting to deny this; lapsed into embarrassed +silence; probably will be more careful in future. + +_Business done._--Very little of Parish Councils Bill. + + * * * * * + +A COCKNEY ON A GREAT COLLECTION. + + [We are informed that Prince LUCIEN BONAPARTE'S unique library + of some 25,000 volumes, included "a complete set of _Punch_" + preserved presumably by the Prince for the specimens of + "Cockney dialect which it contains."] + + Jest fancy a Prince BONYPARTY sech nuts upon patter and slang! + Proves a Prince may be fly to wot's wot, and of chat as _is_ chat + 'ave the 'ang. + Lor bless yer, this LUCYUN, _'e_ knowed all the cackles + as ever was chinned. + I'll wager as _'e_ wos aweer as a Billingsgit Pheasant is _finned_! + He'd got SOLOMON'S song in Tyke lingo! A pity 'e didn't know _me_! + I'd ha' run it off into back slang, and ha' done it most willing and + free. + 'Cos a Prince and a Frenchy at that, as appreshiates _Punch_, + _and_ my patter, + Is a precious sight smarter than some "Cockney" criticks, and that's + wot's the matter! + So bully for Prince BONYPARTY! When weighed in 'e's well hup to + scale; + And _if_ them books come to the 'ammer, wy 'ARRY means seeing the + sale! + + * * * * * + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 244: Removed extrraneous 'not'. + +"and do not follow the senseless fashion of dressing ..." + +Page 252: 'embarassed' corrected to 'embarrassed'. + +"... lapsed into embarrassed silence;" + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, +November 25, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV 25, 1893 *** + +***** This file should be named 39504-8.txt or 39504-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/5/0/39504/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, November 25, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: April 22, 2012 [EBook #39504] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV 25, 1893 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page241" id="page241"></a>[pg 241]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1> + +<h2>Volume 105, November 25th 1893</h2> + +<h4><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h4> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.—"AFTER THE BALL."</h2> + +<blockquote><p> +[The authors of the various versions of this "popular song" will not, +<i>Mr. Punch</i> is sure, object to its refrain being used in a far wider sense—being +applied, so to speak, to a more extensive <i>sphere</i>—than they contemplated.] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/241-1500.png"><img src="images/241-600.png" width="600" height="202" alt="AFTER THE BALL." /></a></div> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Man, youth or maiden, amateurs, pros.,</p> +<p>Season of snow-storms, time of the rose,</p> +<p>'Tis the same story all have to tell!</p> +<p>Not even <span class="sc">Kipling's</span> go half as well.</p> +<p>Nay: and <i>this</i> story is real and true.</p> +<p>All England over, Colonies too,</p> +<p>Cricketers, golfers, footballers, all</p> +<p>One pursuit follow—they're After the Ball!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Chorus</i>—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">After one ball-game's over,</p> +<p class="i4">Promptly the next seems born;</p> +<p class="i2">Quickly the Blackburn Rover</p> +<p class="i4">Treads on the "Corn Stalk's" corn.</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Grace</span>, <span class="sc">Gunn</span>, and <span class="sc">Read</span>, the Brothers</p> +<p class="i4"><span class="sc">Renshaw</span>, fall off with the Fall;</p> +<p class="i2">But there come hosts of others—</p> +<p class="i6">After the Ball!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Lords and the Oval, crowded and bright,</p> +<p>Send King Willow's subjects wild with delight.</p> +<p>What are they doing 'midst shout and cheer?</p> +<p>Smiting and chasing a small brown sphere!</p> +<p>Fielded. Sir! Well hit!! Played, <i>indeed!!!</i> Wide!!!!</p> +<p>Oh, well returned, Sir! Caught! No! <i>Well</i> tried!</p> +<p>Cheering! Half-maddened! And what means it all?</p> +<p>Grown men grown boys again—After the Ball!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Chorus</i>—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Sixer, or maiden over,</p> +<p class="i4">Misfield that moves young scorn,</p> +<p class="i2">Every true cricket-lover</p> +<p class="i4">Stares at from early morn.</p> +<p class="i2">Watching the "champion" scoring,</p> +<p class="i4">Ring and pavilion, all</p> +<p class="i2">Chattering, cheering, roaring,</p> +<p class="i6">After the Ball!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Then in October's chill and gloom,</p> +<p>Wickets for goals make reluctant room.</p> +<p>Talk is of "forwards," and "backs," and "tries."</p> +<p>"<i>Footbawl Herdition!</i>" the newsboy cries.</p> +<p>Fancy <i>that</i>, for a sportsman's fad!</p> +<p>Players go frantic, and critics mad;</p> +<p>Pros. and amateurs squabble and squall,</p> +<p>And cripples seek hospital—After the Ball!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Chorus</i>—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">After the Ball the "Rovers"</p> +<p class="i4">Rush, and the "Villans" troop;</p> +<p class="i2">"Wolves"—who have lamb-like lovers—</p> +<p class="i4">Worry and whirl and whoop.</p> +<p class="i2">Scrimmages fierce, wild jostles,</p> +<p class="i4">Many a crashing fall,</p> +<p class="i2">Follow as "Blade" hunts "Throstle,"</p> +<p class="i4">After the Ball!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Balls are not all of leather, alas!</p> +<p>Cricket, golf, tennis, and football pass;</p> +<p>But <span class="sc">Roberts</span> the marvellous, <span class="sc">Peall</span> the clever,</p> +<p>Like the Laureate's Brook, can go on for ever!</p> +<p>The ivory ball—like the carvings odd</p> +<p>In a Buddhist shrine—seems an ivory god;</p> +<p>And "A Million Up" will be next the call</p> +<p>Of the "exhibitionists"—After the Ball!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Chorus</i>—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">After the Ball is over?</p> +<p class="i4">Nay, it is <i>never</i> done!</p> +<p class="i2">All the year round <i>some</i> lover</p> +<p class="i4">Keeps up the spheric fun!</p> +<p class="i2">Ivory ball or leather,</p> +<p class="i4">Someone will run or sprawl,</p> +<p class="i2">Whate'er the hour or weather,</p> +<p class="i6">After the Ball!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Is't that our earth, which, after all,</p> +<p>Itself's a "dark terrestrial ball,"</p> +<p>Robs all "sportsmen" of sober sense</p> +<p>Within its "sphere of influence"?</p> +<p>"Special Editions" just to record</p> +<p>How many kicks at a ball are scored?!?!</p> +<p>Doesn't it prove that we mortals all</p> +<p>Have gone sheer "dotty"—After the Ball?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Chorus</i>—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">After the Ball!—as batter,</p> +<p class="i4">Handler of club, racquet, cue.</p> +<p class="i2">Or kicker of goals—what matter?</p> +<p class="i4">A Ballomaniac you!</p> +<p class="i2">Each is as mad as a hatter,</p> +<p class="i4">Who is so eager to sprawl,</p> +<p class="i2">Scrimmage, scout, smash, smite, clatter,</p> +<p class="i6">After the Ball!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE HEIGHT OF COMFORT.</h2> +<ul class="none"> +<li><i>Q.</i> I want to consult you about Flats. You must know all about +them, as you have tried this kind of "high life" for a year. And +I am quite charmed with the idea of getting one. Now, don't you +find that they have many advantages over the old-fashioned separate +house system?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Oh, a great many!</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> I suppose that even in such paradises a few drawbacks do exist?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> A few. For instance, did you notice, during your painful +progress upstairs, a doctor coming out of the rooms just below us? +No? Then you were fortunate. There's a typhoid case there, we +hear.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Dear me! Now I think of it, I did meet a woman dressed as +a hospital nurse. But she was coming down from somewhere +above you.</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Yes. The people over our heads. It's a scarlet fever patient +they have, I believe. We can hear the nurse moving about in the +middle of the night. And chemists' boys with medicines call at our +door, by mistake, at all hours.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Still, they can't get in. Your flat is your castle, surely?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Quite so. It's a pity it isn't a roomier castle. Our bedrooms +are like cupboards, and look out on a dark court. We have to keep +the gas burning there all day.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Oh, indeed! But then, being on one floor, living must be +much cheaper, because you can do with only one servant?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> That is true; but we find that the difficulty is to get servants +to do with us. They hate being mastheaded like this; they miss +the area, and the talks with the tradesmen, and so on.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> But they must go downstairs to take dust and cinders away?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No, those go down the shoot. At least, a good many of the +cinders do, though some seem to stop on the way. Our downstair +neighbours complain horribly, and threaten to summon us.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Do they? On the whole, however, you find your fellow-residents +obliging?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Oh, very! The landing window leads to some disputes. We +like it open. The people upstairs prefer it shut. The case comes on +at the police court next week.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> You surprise me! Then, as regards other expenses, you save, +don't you, by paying no rates?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> We do. That is why our landlord charges us for these eight +rooms on one floor just double what we should have to pay for a +large house all to ourselves.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Thanks for giving me so much information. Of course, I +knew there must be some disadvantages. And you won't be surprised +to hear that we have taken a flat after all, as they are so +fashionable?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> On the contrary, I should be quite surprised if you didn't.</li> +</ul> + +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page242" id="page242"></a>[pg 242]</span> + +<h3 class="sans">WELCOME TO "JOEY!"</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/242-1500.png"><img src="images/242-600.png" width="600" height="443" alt="'HERE WE ARE AGAIN!'" /></a> +"HERE WE ARE AGAIN!"</div> + +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page243" id="page243"></a>[pg 243]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;"><a href="images/243-1500.png"><img src="images/243-600.png" width="600" height="388" alt="SAD!" /></a> +<h3 class="sans">SAD!</h3> + +<p><i>Sportsman</i> (<i>proud of his favourite</i>). "<span class="sc">Now that's a Mare I +<i>made</i> entirely myself! Marvellously clever, I can tell you!</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Non-Sportsman</i> (<i>from town, startled</i>). "<span class="sc">Eh, what? Dear me! +Wonderfully clever, certainly.</span>" (<i>Mentally.</i>) "<span class="sc">Poor fellow, +poor fellow! what a most extraordinary Hallucination!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>HOME RAILS.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>By a Mournful Moralist.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Each day my heart with pity throbs;</p> +<p class="i2">Can sympathy refuse</p> +<p>The ready tears, the frequent sobs,</p> +<p class="i2">When reading City news?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Not long ago I daily found</p> +<p class="i2">That you were good and "strong"—</p> +<p>You gained but little, I'll be bound,</p> +<p class="i2">Nor kept that little long;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet I was happy, since it meant</p> +<p class="i2">That, for a blissful term,</p> +<p>You were so very excellent,</p> +<p class="i2">So "steady" and so "firm."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Prosperity brings pride to all;</p> +<p class="i2">You rose too high to sell.</p> +<p>Then—pride must always have a fall—</p> +<p class="i2">You lamentably fell.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Think what your altered state has cost.</p> +<p class="i2">Alas, you must confess</p> +<p>That you are ruined since you lost</p> +<p class="i2">Your noble steadiness!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Unsettled" then—oh, feeble will!—</p> +<p class="i2">"Inactive" you were too.</p> +<p>There's Someone "finds some mischief still</p> +<p class="i2">For idle hands to do."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Why be inactive? All should work.</p> +<p class="i2">Rise then, and do not seek</p> +<p>Good honest enterprise to shirk,</p> +<p class="i2">Because you're rather "weak."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Alas, what use exhorting that</p> +<p class="i2">Your fall you should annul?</p> +<p>When some remark that you are "flat,"</p> +<p>And others call you "dull."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>At times I hoped that you would turn,</p> +<p class="i2">And mend your evil ways,</p> +<p>That you were "better," I would learn,</p> +<p class="i2">And "quiet" on some days.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But now your baseness fitly ends,</p> +<p class="i2">"Irregular"—and so</p> +<p>You are "neglected" by your friends,</p> +<p class="i2">Who all pronounce you "low."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>This conduct gives me such a shock,</p> +<p class="i2">I wipe my streaming eyes—</p> +<p>I want to sell some railway stock;</p> +<p class="i2">I'm waiting for the rise!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind"><span class="sc">The "Ultra Fashionable Dinner-hour" +when Dickens wrote <i>Martin +Chuzzlewit</i>.</span>—It is mentioned by <i>Montague +Tigg</i>, when that typical swindler gives <i>Jonas +Chuzzlewit</i> an invitation to a little dinner. It +was "seven." Very few have guessed it, but +most correspondents have referred to the +dinner-hour at <i>Todgers's</i>. But <i>Todgers's</i> +was a very second-class establishment.</p> + +<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Somebody</span> proposes another Dickensian +query:—<span class="sc">Scene</span>—<i>The wedding at Wardle's.</i> +<span class="sc">Time</span>—<i>After the wedding breakfast:</i>—"At +dinner they met again, after a five-and-twenty-mile +walk." Where did they breakfast, +and where did they dine, and how many +hours did men of <i>Mr. Pickwick's</i> and <i>Mr. +Tupman's</i> build take to do a twenty-five-mile +walk in?</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">The Golfer's Paradise.</span>—<i>Link</i>-ed sweetness +long drawn out.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">The real Roads To Success.</span>—<span class="sc">Cecil +Rhodes.</span></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>REX LOBENGULA.</h3> + +<p class="center">["Rhymes are difficult things, they are stubborn +things, Sir."—<span class="sc">Fielding:</span> <i>Amelia</i>.]</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Lobengúla! Lobengúla!</span></p> +<p class="i2">How do you pronounce your name?</p> +<p>How do those who call you ruler</p> +<p class="i2">Your regality proclaim?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Does the stalwart Matabele</p> +<p class="i2">Seared with many a cruel scar,</p> +<p>Ere he gives his life so freely,</p> +<p class="i2">Hail you King <span class="sc">Lobengulá</span>?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Have I read in British journals,</p> +<p class="i2">On a 'bus <i>en route</i> to Holborn,</p> +<p>Telegrams where British Colonels</p> +<p class="i2">Have the cheek to call you <span class="sc">Ló-ben</span>?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Has your name some fearful meaning</p> +<p class="i2">Redolent of blood and bones,</p> +<p>Or am I correct in weening</p> +<p class="i2">It's vernacular for <span class="sc">Jones</span>?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Kaiser! Potentate! Dictator!</p> +<p class="i2">Any title that's sublime</p> +<p>Choose, but send us cis-equator</p> +<p class="i2">For your name the proper rhyme.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>AFTER THE CALL.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +["A further call of £5 per share has recently +been made on the shareholders in one of the +companies in the Balfour group."] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>After the call is over,</p> +<p class="i2">What is there left to do,</p> +<p>All absolutely vanished,</p> +<p class="i2">Left not a single sou.</p> +<p>Furniture, trinkets, money,</p> +<p class="i2">Gone, gone, alas! are they all;</p> +<p>What is there left but the workhouse</p> +<p class="i4">After the call?</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page244" id="page244"></a>[pg 244]</span> + +<h2 class="sans">UNDER THE ROSE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>A Story in Scenes.</i>)</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Scene XV.</span>—<i>The Drawing-room at Hornbeam Lodge.</i> +<span class="sc">Time</span>—<i>Monday +evening, about six.</i> <span class="sc">Althea</span> <i>is listlessly striking chords +on the piano</i>; Mrs. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> <i>is sitting by one of the windows</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toovey</i> (<i>to herself</i>). Where <i>did</i> <span class="sc">Theophilus</span> go +last Saturday? +He is either the most consummate hypocrite, or the most +blameless lamb that ever breathed; and I'm sure <i>I</i> don't know +which! But I'll find out when <span class="sc">Charles</span> comes. It would be +almost a relief to find Pa <i>was</i> guilty; for, if he isn't—— But, thank +goodness, he is not very likely ever to hear where <i>I</i> was that +evening!</p> + +<p><i>Althea</i> (<i>to herself</i>). It couldn't <i>really</i> have been Mamma in +that +box; she has never made the slightest reference to it. I almost +wish she <i>had</i> been there; it would have been easier to tell her. +What <i>would</i> she say if she knew I had gone to such a place +as the Eldorado?</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>She drifts, half unconsciously, into the air of</i> "The Hansom Cabman."</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> What is that tune you are playing, <span class="sc">Thea</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Alth.</i> (<i>flushing</i>). N—nothing, Mamma. Only a +tune I heard when I was in town. The—the boys +in the street whistle it.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Then it's hardly fit to be played +upon <i>my</i> piano. I shouldn't wonder if it came out +of one of those abominable music-halls!</p> + +<p><i>Alth.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). She must mean something by +that. If she was there after all! (<i>Aloud, distressed.</i>) +Mamma, what makes you say that? +Do—do you <i>know</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>in equal confusion</i>). Know! Explain +yourself, child. How could I possibly——? +(<i>To herself.</i>) I shall betray myself if I am not +more careful!</p> + +<p><i>Alth.</i> I—I thought—I don't know—it was the +way you said it. (<i>To herself.</i>) I very nearly did +for myself <i>that</i> time!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>as</i> <span class="sc">Althea</span> <i>strikes more chords</i>). +For goodness' sake, <span class="sc">Thea</span>, either play a proper +piece, or shut up the piano and take up some +useful work. There's the crazy-quilt I've begun +for the Bazaar; you might get on with that.</p> + +<p><i>Alth.</i> (<i>closing the piano</i>). The colours <i>are</i> so +frightful, Mamma!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> What does that signify, my dear? +When it's for a charity! Really, I'm beginning +to think this visit to town has not had at all a +good effect upon you. You've come back unable +to settle down to anything. Yes, I see a great +change in you, <span class="sc">Althea</span>, and it's not confined to +the worldly way you do your hair. I sincerely +hope it will not strike Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span> as it does +me. You know he is dining here this evening? +I told him in my note that if he <i>liked</i> to come a +little earlier——(<i>Significantly.</i>) I think he has +something to say to you, <span class="sc">Thea</span>. Perhaps you can +guess what?</p> + +<p><i>Alth.</i> (<i>twisting her hands nervously</i>). Oh no, +Mamma. I—I can't see Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span>—not alone, +I mean.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Don't be ridiculous, my dear. You +know perfectly well that he admires you. He has very properly +spoken first to your father, and we both consider you a most fortunate +girl. He is a truly excellent young man, which is the <i>first</i> +consideration; and, what is even <i>more</i> important, he is, as far as I +can gather, making an excellent income. And you can't deny that +you were interested in him from the very first.</p> + +<p><i>Alth.</i> N—not in that way, Mamma. At least, not any longer.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Nonsense. If Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span> proposes, I shall be +seriously annoyed if you put him off with any foolish shilly-shallying. +Mind that. And here he is—at least, it's <i>somebody</i> at the front +door. I've mislaid my glasses as usual. And if it is Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span>, +I shall send him in here at once; so remember what I've said. (<i>She +goes out into the hall, and discovers her nephew</i> <span class="sc">Charles</span>.) So it is +<i>you</i>, <span class="sc">Charles</span>! You're rather earlier than I expected.</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> Nothing much doing at the office, Aunt. And I thought +I might have to dress for dinner, you know.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> You ought to know by this time that we are plain +people and do not not follow the senseless fashion of dressing ourselves +up for a family dinner, but I am glad you came early, all the +same, <span class="sc">Charles</span>, as I should like a little talk with you before your +Uncle comes in. We had better go into the study. (<i>To herself, as +she leads the way.</i>) Now I shall get it out of him!</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">End of Scene XV.</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Scene XVI.</span>—<i>In the Study.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toovey</i> (<i>fixing</i> <span class="sc">Charles</span> <i>with her eye</i>). What is +this I hear of +your proceedings last Saturday night, <span class="sc">Charles</span>? Come, you can't +deceive <i>me</i>, you know!</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> I never made any secret about my proceedings. I told +Uncle we might probably drop into the Eldorado or somewhere after +dinner.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself, in consternation</i>). The Eldorado? they +<i>did</i> +go there then! If only they didn't see me! (<i>Aloud.</i>) Yes, +<span class="sc">Charles</span>, +go on. And while you were there, did you see anyone you—you +thought you recognised?</p> + +<p><i>Charles</i> (<i>to himself</i>). She's heard! (<i>Aloud.</i>) I should rather +think I <i>did</i>, Aunt. Never was more surprised in my life.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>with a groan</i>). And—and was your <i>Uncle</i> +surprised, too, <span class="sc">Charles</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> Uncle? I haven't told <i>him</i> yet.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> But he was <i>there</i>, <span class="sc">Charles</span>, with you; he must +have seen—whatever you did! Or didn't he?</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> At the Valhalla? my <i>dear</i> Aunt!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Who's talking about a Valhalla? I mean the +<i>Eldorado</i>, of course; that was where you <i>said</i> you went!</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> No—no, we couldn't get in at the El.; +all the stalls gone, so we went to the Val. instead. +Just the same sort of thing.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself, relieved</i>). To the Val.! +What a fright I've had for nothing! (<i>Aloud.</i>) +I quite understand, <span class="sc">Charles</span>. You took your +Uncle to a place called the Val., <i>not</i> the—er—El. +What did you <i>see</i> there? that's the point!</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> I didn't take Uncle there; I was with +a man from our office when I saw him. I must +have seen him there often enough, but somehow +I never spotted him before. It was the make-up, +the <i>disguise</i>, you know, wig and moustache, and +all that.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Do you mean to say your Uncle +attends music-halls disguised in a wig and moustache? +<span class="sc">Charles</span>, who was he <i>with</i>? I <i>will</i> know!</p> + +<p><i>Charles</i> (<i>in fits of laughter</i>). Uncle? At the Val. +in disguise? now, is it <i>likely</i>? I thought you knew +all about it, or I shouldn't have said a word!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> You have said too much to stop +<i>now</i>, <span class="sc">Charles</span>. It is useless to try to turn it off +like that. If it was not Pa you recognised at this +Val. place, who <i>was</i> it?</p> + +<p><i>Charles</i> (<i>to himself</i>). If I don't tell her she'll +only go on suspecting poor old Uncle <span class="sc">Theo</span>. +(<i>Aloud.</i>) Well, you're bound to find it out +sooner or later; and I admire him all the more +for it myself. I'd no idea he had it <i>in</i> him. +Shows how mistaken you may be in fellows.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> I've yet to learn who and what you +are talking about, <span class="sc">Charles</span>!</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> Why, that quiet, modest friend of +yours, Mr. <span class="sc">Clarence Curphew</span>, if you <i>must</i> +know!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> I don't believe it. Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span> is +not at all the sort of young man to spend his +money in such resorts.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/244-400.png"><img src="images/244-150.png" width="150" height="381" alt="'Dear, dear me!'" /></a> +<p class="center">"Dear, dear me!"</p></div> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> He don't <i>spend</i> it there—he <i>makes</i> it. +My dear Aunt, you ought to feel honoured by +having such a distinguished acquaintance. Don't +you remember my mentioning the great music-hall star, <span class="sc">Walter +Wildfire</span>? You must. Well, <span class="sc">Clarence Curphew</span> and <span class="sc">Walter +Wildfire</span> are one and the same person—honour bright, they are!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>sinking back with a gasp</i>). A—a music-hall star! +And I have been urging <span class="sc">Althea</span> to—— Oh, how fortunate it is I +have been warned in time! He shall not see her—I will write and +put him off—at once!</p> + +<p class="ind2">[Mr. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> <i>enters blandly</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> Ah, <span class="sc">Charles</span>, my boy, so here you are? that's right, +that's right. You, too, <span class="sc">Cornelia</span>? (<i>To her, in an undertone.</i>) +It's all right, my love—our dear young friend, Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span>, you know—we +met on the doorstep just now, and I've left him and <span class="sc">Thea</span> +together in the drawing-room. I thought it was best, eh?</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>He looks to her for approval.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> You've left—— But there, I might have known! +No, don't speak to me, Pa—there's no time to lose! Come with +me, <span class="sc">Charles</span>, I may want you.</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>She rustles out of the room, followed by</i> <span class="sc">Charles</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>looking after her in mild perplexity</i>). Dear, dear me! +I wonder what can be the matter <i>now</i>. <span class="sc">Cornelia</span> seems so very—— I +hardly like to go and see—and yet, perhaps, I ought—perhaps I +ought. There's one comfort, whatever it is, it can't have anything +to do with that dreadful Eldorado. Yes, I'd better go and look +into it!</p> + +<p class="center">[<i>He goes out.</i>—<i>End of Scene XVI.</i></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page245" id="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/245-1000.png"><img src="images/245-400.png" width="400" height="545" alt="'USING LANGUAGE.'" /></a> +<h3 class="sans">"USING LANGUAGE."</h3> + +<p><i>The Squire.</i> <span class="sc">"Well, Smith, I want your advice. Hadn't we +better let them have their way this time?"</span></p> + +<p><i>Smith.</i> <span class="sc">"No, no, Sir. Stick to your rights! What <i>I</i> say +is—'Give such People a Hinch and they'll take a Hell'—if +you'll pardon my usin' such Strong Language!"</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>MAGIC AND MANUFACTURES.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>A Fairy Fragment from the German.</i>)</h4> + +<p>Little <span class="sc">Alice</span> was delighted with her surroundings. She had +found her way into a lumber-room, which was filled with modern +furniture and modern toys. "How pretty they are!" she exclaimed; +"and how I would like to speak to them!"</p> + +<p>Then the Cup and Saucer labelled a "Present from Ramsgate," +and the Old Grandfather's Clock glowed with satisfaction. Evidently +they wished to join in the conversation.</p> + +<p>Then <span class="sc">Alice</span> thought that perhaps she might raise a sprite or a +goblin of some magical person by reading <span class="sc">Andersen's</span> Fairy Stories +backward. She had scarcely, with some difficulty, completed the +first page (rendered reversely) of "The Shepherdess and the Brave +Tin Soldier," when an old lady, about eighteen inches high, suddenly +appeared before her.</p> + +<p>"You want all these inanimate things to speak?" said the new +comer. "Well, you will be disappointed if they do."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Alice</span> protested that she would be delighted beyond measure if +they would but talk. "It will be interesting, so very interesting, +dear godmother," she cried; and then she added, "I suppose I may +assume that you <i>are</i> my godmother?"</p> + +<p>"You may assume anything you like," snapped out the little old +lady; "only don't bother me. Here! I authorise all these things to +talk. I will be back again by-and-by to see how you are getting +on. Adieu." And then the little old lady disappeared. And then, +as she had foretold, <span class="sc">Alice</span> suffered great disappointment.</p> + +<p>The Cup and Saucer "A Present from Ramsgate," began +speaking sixteen words to the dozen, but <span class="sc">Alice</span> could not make +out the meaning. Then the Old Grandfather's Clock talked, but +without better effect. <span class="sc">Alice</span> could not understand a syllable. +And the box of tin Highlanders followed suit. So did a doll +dressed as an Irish peasant. Then all sorts of things that seemed +to be English to the backbone or last ounce of metal—scissors, +books, and calico curtains—kept up a fire of conversation. But +<span class="sc">Alice</span> could make out nothing. She was absolutely astounded. +Here were heaps of British goods suddenly endowed with the +power of speech, and yet she could not understand them!</p> + +<p>And as she considered, the little old lady again appeared.</p> + +<p>"Well, child!" she exclaimed. "What's the matter? You +seem perplexed! Have not all the toys been talking?"</p> + +<p>"Why, yes," faltered <span class="sc">Alice</span>; "but then you see I cannot understand +a word they say!"</p> + +<p>"Of course you cannot," replied the Fairy. "They speak only +their native language."</p> + +<p>"Their native language! Then why don't they speak English?"</p> + +<p>"Because, my good girl," returned the Fairy, preparing to take +her departure, "they cannot. You see, young lady, they don't +know anything about the English language, and this is natural +enough, for they were all made in Germany!"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE FUTURE OF HOME RULE.</h2> + +<h4><span class="sc">Mr. Gl-dst-ne: Another Telepathic Automatic Interview.</span></h4> + +<p>I had not seen Mr. <span class="sc">Gl-dst-ne</span> for two days, nor had I heard from +him for three posts, neither knew I where he was. I knew he <i>had</i> +been at Downing Street. That evening I found myself in an Inner +Circle train, and no sooner there than I made up my mind to ask +Mr. <span class="sc">Gl-dst-ne</span> if he would mind my interviewing him. My hand +at once wrote—on the margin of my evening paper—that he was at +Downing Street, and that I might have the interview. It was quite +an ordinary one, except that I thought the questions and wrote the +answers on my knee with my hand. "Well, Mr. <span class="sc">Gl-dst-ne</span>," I +said, or, rather, thought, "what do you think of Home Rule?" +My hand (not the Old Parliamentary Hand) wrote:—</p> + +<p>"W. E. G. I do not think that I shall be in any way departing +from what has long since become to be recognised as the practice +applicable to this present set of circumstances, a practice to which I +am able to speak from an experience of more than sixty years, when +I say speaking, not merely for myself, but for the whole of the +Members of the Cabinet, and, indeed, I may fairly say of the Government +in its entirety, that we are not indisposed to grant to Ireland +that measure of self-government for which she is asking in a +constitutional way through her duly elected representatives, and +that we earnestly hope that as a result of our efforts we may be +enabled, with a reasonable prospect of finality, to put an end to a +condition of affairs which for the whole of the present century has +embittered our relations with our sister country, and has exposed us +to the censures of every authority in the civilised world whose +acknowledged competency entitles him to an opinion."</p> + +<p>Then I ventured a question as to the future. "What about Home +Rule next Session, Mr. <span class="sc">Gl-dst-ne</span>?"</p> + +<p>"The question as to what position the Home Rule controversy +will assume next Session is naturally one which can only be determined +when we have before us all the facts which are essential for +the purpose of enabling us to arrive at a definitive conclusion, and as +soon as it becomes reasonably plain what the exact position of parties +will be when it becomes necessary to decide on what lines the policy +of the Government will proceed. I may, however, say that, whilst +not forgetful in any way of the obligations of honour under which +the Liberal party lie to the Irish people, and whilst it will be our +duty at the earliest available moment to press forward measures +which shall carry out our pledges in that direction, we shall not +forget that the consideration of what are not unnaturally termed +English reforms is an imperative necessity, to which the attention +of the Government will be directed at the first opportunity."</p> + +<p>By this time I had reached Charing Cross, and as I passed out the +ticket-examiner handed me a postcard. It was in Mr. <span class="sc">Gl-dst-ne's</span> +writing. Judge of my astonishment when I found that quite +spontaneously he had written to me just what I had written in the +interview. I at once wrote to him and informed him of what had +happened. His answer was: "It is most extraordinary. If I +didn't believe all you tell me, I should have come to the conclusion +that you faked (I think that is the word) the interview up out of +my old speeches." So there you have the whole story. Someone +suggests I should publish the postcard. Curiously enough, I have +mislaid it. But two and two make four, and you can go and ask the +ticket-examiner.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Cause and Effect.</h3> + +<p class="ind1">"I am occupied with my secretaries +while I am dressing."—<i>Lord +Herschell to the deputation +of Liberal Members, Nov. 16.</i></p> + +<p class="ind1">"Mr. <span class="sc">K. Muir Mackenzie, Q.C.</span>, +Permanent Sec. to the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span>, +has been made a Companion +of the Bath."—<i>Daily Paper.</i></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>PLEASANT SPOOKERY.</h3> + +<p class="ind1">Yes, thanks to <span class="sc">Brandon Thomas's</span> skill, and <span class="sc">Penley's</span> comic +<i>nous</i>, +The lucky "Globe" may well be called the real '<i>Aunt</i>-ed House!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page246" id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/246-1500.png"><img src="images/246-600.png" width="600" height="381" alt="BABY-WORSHIP. (THE POINT OF VIEW.)" /></a> +<h3 class="sans">BABY-WORSHIP. (THE POINT OF VIEW.)</h3> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Your Nieces seem very fond of Babies, Mr. Sinnick. I suppose you are +too?</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Oh yes; like 'em awfully; especially when they begin to <i>Cry</i></span>."</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Ah, you think the dear little things are in pain</span>?"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Yes; and somebody rings the Bell, you know, and the Nurse comes, and the +dear little things are taken away +to the Nursery</span>!"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE HANDY BOY.</h2> + +<blockquote><p> +["In the office he held, which in reality was +much too heavy for any single man to bear, it was +necessary to live almost a monastic life, and the +eight hours which some persons regarded as a +maximum of toil seemed to those who occupied +that position a dim and distant and golden vision."—<i>Lord +Rosebery, at the opening of the Battersea +Town Hall</i>.] +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="center"><i>The Missis soliloquiseth</i>:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah! he's really the usefullest boy, that</p> +<p class="i2">young <span class="sc">Primrose</span>, that ever we've had,</p> +<p>And I'm sure I don't know, not sometimes,</p> +<p class="i2">how we'd get along, but for that lad!</p> +<p>So willing, and so civil-spoken, yet none too</p> +<p class="i2">much given to mag.</p> +<p>He does the House credit all round, and I'm</p> +<p class="i2">sure he's the pick o' the bag.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Gets through his own work without</p> +<p class="i2">worrit, and then he's so good at odd jobs!</p> +<p>Which some servants are awfully uppish, and</p> +<p class="i2">thinks themselves no end of nobs.</p> +<p>But <span class="sc">Primrose</span> is pleasant and modest, you</p> +<p class="i2">know where the boy's to be found,</p> +<p>And there's nothing he won't turn his hand</p> +<p class="i2">to, to make things agreeable all round.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Heigho! How I wish——But no matter!</p> +<p class="i2">Young <span class="sc">Primrose</span>, he <i>knows</i> such a lot,</p> +<p>And he seems to be trusted by all, which</p> +<p class="i2">some of us, I fear,—well, are <i>not</i>.</p> +<p>There is <span class="sc">William</span>, the butler, and John, now;</p> +<p class="i2">they 're excellent servants, of course,</p> +<p>Yet they don't seem as happy as <span class="sc">Primrose</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">although the boy works like a horse!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>His</i> task's to attend to the door, which needs</p> +<p class="i2">wonderful quickness and tact;</p> +<p>For our visitors, foreign and others, <i>are</i></p> +<p class="i2">troublesome, that is a fact.</p> +<p>But Russian, or Frenchman, or L.C.C. boss</p> +<p class="i2">from out Battersea way,</p> +<p>Or a working-man out of a job, <span class="sc">Primmy</span></p> +<p class="i2">always knows just what to say.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He's a treasure, that boy; and I'm always</p> +<p class="i2">a-putting fresh work on his back!</p> +<p>There's this Coal Question now! Awful</p> +<p class="i2">worry! He has such a wonderful knack</p> +<p>I am sure he might settle <i>that</i> shindy. If</p> +<p class="i2">so he will just be a jewel!</p> +<p>If pig-headedness holds on <i>both</i> sides, we</p> +<p class="i2">shall presently run out of fuel.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>If he can "conciliate" them, it will truly be</p> +<p class="i2">very good biz:</p> +<p>And so I've <i>suggested</i>—no more!—that "the</p> +<p class="i2">boy"—ah! by Jove, here he is!</p> +<p>Poor chap! Two big scuttles—up-stairs!</p> +<p class="i2">He must find it a terrible pull,</p> +<p>With <i>his</i> work too! But if he succeeds—well,</p> +<p class="i2">the cup of his credit is full.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah, <span class="sc">Primrose</span>, my boy! This <i>is</i> good of you!</p> +<p class="i2">Two at a time, too. Oh, dear!—</p> +<p>It is not just <i>your</i> work, I'll allow, and you</p> +<p class="i2">find they are heavy, I fear.</p> +<p>But you know what a bother it's been. Some</p> +<p class="i2">chaps are such obstinate souls!—</p> +<p>But I was quite sure that <i>you</i> wouldn't mind</p> +<p class="i2">stooping to—taking up coals!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2">Why does <span class="sc">Lobengula</span>, when finding fault +with his regiments, appear a great commander? +Because then he is an Impi rater.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>QUEER CARDS.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a Rural Innkeeper, who has been "had."</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>They come to me (a poor old chap!)</p> +<p class="i2">And take one room—mostly the same;</p> +<p>A quiet spot, they say, for Nap:</p> +<p class="i2">(But "Crib's" their real game.)</p> +<p>Their luggage is a smallish trunk,</p> +<p class="i2">A whopping walking-stick—alway!</p> +<p>When for a month they've fed and drunk,</p> +<p class="i2">I gently hint at pay.</p> +<p>They say, "Why, certainly! They mean</p> +<p class="i2">To dwell some months beneath my roof.</p> +<p>So happy they have <i>never</i> been!"</p> +<p class="i2">(I think they call this "Spoof.")</p> +<p>They swear my wife's the best of cooks,</p> +<p class="i2">They hint they're half in love with <span class="sc">Sukey</span>,</p> +<p>My daughter, who <i>can</i> boast good looks</p> +<p class="i2">(And here begins Blind Hookey).</p> +<p>Then, when they're some more weeks in debt,</p> +<p class="i2">I tell them Tick's last door is shut;</p> +<p>When—their knave's tricks not ended yet—</p> +<p class="i2">They shuffle—pack—and <i>cut</i>!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>BUSINESS.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +["France, it is expected, will endeavour to +hasten England's evacuation of Egypt, and Russia +will try to settle the question of the Dardanelles."—<i>Daily +Chronicle.</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Who says that Franco-Russian gush</p> +<p class="i2">Means naught, to reason's optic?</p> +<p>The Russ will help the Frank to rush</p> +<p class="i2">England, from regions Coptic;</p> +<p>And—here <span class="sc">John Bull</span> must surely flinch,</p> +<p class="i2">While Gallia's bosom swells!—</p> +<p>The Bear, if but allowed an inch,</p> +<p class="i2">Will take—the Dardanelles!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page247" id="page247"></a>[pg 247]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><a href="images/247-1200.png"><img src="images/247-450.png" width="450" height="577" alt="THE HANDY BOY!" /></a> +<h1>THE HANDY BOY!</h1> + +<p><span class="sc">The Missis.</span> "I KNEW YOU HAD PLENTY TO DO, PRIMROSE, BUT I WAS QUITE +SURE YOU WOULDN'T MIND TAKING UP THOSE COALS!"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page248" id="page248"></a>[pg 248]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page249" id="page249"></a>[pg 249]</span> + +<h2 class="sans">THE OLD AND NEW SCHOOL—FOR SCANDAL.</h2> + +<p>The two principal figures to be considered are Mr. <span class="sc">William +Farren</span>, who, as <i>Sir Peter</i>, is a Master of Arts in the <span class="sc">Old +School</span>, +and Miss <span class="sc">Rehan</span>, who as <i>Lady Teazle</i> is an experimentalising +teacher +in the New <i>School for Scandal</i>. All playgoers, whose memory takes +them back over a quarter of a century, must be familiar with +<span class="sc">William Farren's</span> <i>Sir Peter</i>, which, in our time may have +been rivalled, but has rarely been equalled (I do not remember +his equal in the past), and certainly never excelled. +A trifle overdone now and then, a trifle hard in manner +here and there, perhaps, but, as a whole, simply admirable. +Mr. <span class="sc">Daly</span> never made a better engagement than when +he secured <span class="sc">William Farren</span> for <i>Sir Peter</i>. +About Miss <span class="sc">Rehan's</span> <i>Lady Teazle</i> there will be various opinions +and, +truth to tell, I do not precisely know from what point of view and by +what standard to judge of her performance. <i>Sir Peter</i> describes her +as "a girl bred wholly in the country," and so forth, "yet," he +continues, "she now plays her part in all the extravagant fopperies +of fashion and the town with as ready a grace as if she had never +seen a bush or a grass plot out of Grosvenor Square." To let her +country training be perceived through the assumed airs and graces of +a town Madame seems to me to be Miss <span class="sc">Rehan's</span> object; and in this, +granting her ideas of the country hoyden and the town lady to be +correct, she certainly succeeds; notably in the scenes with <i>Sir Peter</i>. +For thus is the Jekyl-and-Hyde-ness of her character made apparent: +in company, in the scandal scenes, she is to be all airs and graces, but +when alone with her husband she, in spite of her perpetual wrangling +with him, reappears as her own natural self, with most of the polish +temporarily rubbed off. But if this be so, then, when in "society," +her funny little run and shaking of the head are out of place, while +they may be accepted as a relapse into her provincialisms when she +is quite free and easy, <i>en tête-à-tête</i> with <i>Sir Peter</i>, and +especially +bent on captivating him by recalling to his memory the lass of whom +he had become desperately enamoured some eight months ago.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/249a-700.png"><img src="images/249a-300.png" width="300" height="359" alt="Shade of Sheridan." /></a> +<p style="width: 300px;"><i>Shade of Sheridan.</i> "William Farren, my old friend, I +congratulate you: and I suspect that in the present +generation I owe you much."</p> + +<p style="width: 300px;"><i>Sir William Peter Farren Teazle.</i> "Not more than I +do you, Mr. Sheridan. Let us say, mutually indebted."</p> + +<p class="indr" style="width: 300px;">[<i>They exchange snuff-pinches.</i></p></div> + +<p>In the Screen Scene when "discovered," Miss <span class="sc">Rehan's</span> attitude +is eloquent; and on this tableau I have always thought the curtain +should descend, as all after this, even <i>Sir Peter's</i> exit with "damn +your sentiments," good as it is, is an anti-climax. I should prefer +that Miss <span class="sc">Rehan's</span> <i>Lady Teazle</i> should be silent, or if it must be +played as written, then here of all situations in the comedy would +I insist upon her emphasising the perfectly natural manner of the +unaffected country girl, instead of addressing Sir <i>Peter</i> in the deep +tones of a tragedian, as if attempting a mere theatrical effect. In +the last Act, as arranged, she appears to have done with her town +airs and graces for ever, and, wearing a queer sort of mob-cap, enters +on <i>Sir Peter's</i> arm, ready with him to face the ridicule, the satire, +and the scandal of their world.</p> + +<p>Miss <span class="sc">Vanbrugh</span> makes a delightful <i>Lady Sneerwell</i>, and Mrs. +<span class="sc">Gilbert</span> a dear old <i>Mrs. Candour</i>, who would spitefully gossip +about +her neighbours for hours together. <i>Maria</i> is almost always a +thankless part, and Miss <span class="sc">Percy Haswell</span> leaves no doubt on the +mind of the audience of her being a poor orphan of some six months' +standing. The part of <i>Moses</i> offers very little scope to Mr. <span class="sc">James +Lewis</span>, especially as the celebrated "I'll take my oath of that" +is cut out, and some lines are introduced, which being quite un-Sheridanesque +and un-Mosaic do not in the least assist the character. +However, as he is much slapped on the back, dug in the ribs, and +generally treated as a butt by <i>Charles</i> and <i>Careless</i> (who, by the +way, +gives <i>"Here's to the Maiden"</i> in first-rate style), Mr. <span class="sc">Lewis</span> may +be +congratulated on getting to the end of his impersonation of one of the +long-suffering tribe in perfect safety. Mr. <span class="sc">Bourchier's</span> <i>Charles</i> +goes +well with the audience; but Mr. <span class="sc">George Clarke</span> is too conscientious, +and too impressed with a sense of the horrible scoundrelism of <i>Joseph's</i> +character to be ever really at home in so uncongenial a part.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/249b-600.png"><img src="images/249b-300.png" width="300" height="355" alt="Lady Ada Rehan Teazle." /></a> +<p class="center">Lady Ada Rehan Teazle.</p> +<p class="center">"In for some sort of a run"—at Daly's.</p></div> + +<p>For the re-arrangement, much may be said "for," and more +"against." There is only one point that strikes me as absolutely +inartistic, and that is, making <i>Sir Peter</i> give his explanatory speech +about his wife <i>after</i> we have seen her, instead of leaving it in its +proper place, as <span class="sc">Sheridan</span> wrote it, where it serves as a prologue +to the subsequent scene between <i>Sir Peter</i> and <i>Lady Teazle</i>, when +she appears for the first time in the comedy.</p> + +<p>There are some curious oversights in the scenic arrangements +at Daly's. The first is in <i>Charles Surface's</i> +picture gallery, <i>which has no windows and no +skylight</i>. The second is that though <i>Charles</i> +has sold all his books, yet through the door +of the picture-room are seen the first shelves of an evidently +well-stocked library. The third oversight is in <i>Joseph's</i> chambers, +described in the original play as "<i>a library in Joseph Surface's +house</i>," where, when he tells <i>Sir Peter</i> that "<i>books are the only +things I am a coxcomb in</i>," there are only a very few volumes to +be seen, and these are lying at haphazard on a table.</p> + +<p>To revert for a moment to <i>Charles Surface's</i> windowless and skylightless +picture gallery, the scene takes place in the evening, after +dinner, or supper, and how is the huge apartment lighted? Why, +by a couple of ordinary candles placed on a side-table, while on the +mantelpiece at the back remain a couple of silver candelabra, filled +with candles which remain all the time unlighted. Why, naturally, +the company would have been in darkness, but not a bit of it, for +these two candles do give so preternaturally wonderful an illumination, +that the stage is as bright as a sunlighted garden at noonday +in July. The company that could produce such candles would make +a fortune by their patent. The dance at the end of the first Act +brings down the curtain to enthusiastic applause, and, to the end, +the old comedy, in spite of various chops and changes, holds its +own, as it ever will do, triumphantly.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Father Christmas</span> is already sending out his Cards for the Coming +Festivity, now six weeks ahead. His representatives all "decorated," +and still ready to receive any amount of "orders," are <span class="sc">Marcus Ward</span>, +the <span class="sc">Raphael Tuck</span> family, <span class="sc">C. W. Faulkner</span>, <span class="sc">C. Delgado</span>, +and many +others, whose excellent works are known to all, and by none more +appreciated than by the youthful Baronites and Baronitesses.</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Blackie and Son!</span>" says a Junior Baronite; "why, that must +he the publishers of Christy Minstrel works!" but they are soon undeceived. +Such delightful books! their very bindings are suggestive +of cheerfulness, and seem to invite inspection. We will take a +peep inside, like Jack Horner, and pull out the best plummed story. +Three by <span class="sc">G. A. Henty</span>, who knows how and what to write for +youths of adventurous spirit. His three are:—</p> + +<p><i>Through the Sikh War.</i> Indian affairs are always of interest to +the young Britisher, "who will," quoth the little Baronite, "<i>seek</i> +and find all he wants in this book."</p> + +<p><i>St. Bartholomew's Eve</i> might be a tale of curiosity, but it is +history, and deals with the valour of an English boy during the +Huguenot Wars. Being a hero, he does not get killed in the +massacre, but lives to fight another day.</p> + +<p><i>A Jacobite Exile</i> is a tale of the Swedes. Hardly necessary, +perhaps, or as <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> puts it, "Swedes to the Swede,—superfluous." +To the English reader, therefore, it is not a superfluity.</p> + +<p>Then here is The <i>Penny Illustrated</i>. It is called "<i>Roses</i>" and +whatever any reader may require, here he will find it "all among +the roses." The rearer and cultivator of these "Roses" is <span class="sc">John +Latey</span>, whose "Rose of Hastings" is among the best of the contributions. +"We can't do better than provide ourselves and our +families with this specimen of a Flowery Annual," quoth,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">The Baron de Book-Worms.</span></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page250" id="page250"></a>[pg 250]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/250a-1500.png"><img src="images/250a-600.png" width="600" height="376" alt="A NEW ADJECTIVE." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">A NEW ADJECTIVE.</h3> + +<p><i>Customer.</i> "<span class="sc">You'll find I measure a bit more round the waist than I +did last time you took my measure.</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Tailor.</i> "<span class="sc">Ah, well, Sir, if I may be allowed to say so, you <i>are</i> +a trifle more—ah—more <i>Lobengulous</i> than +formerly.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>1,000,000 A. D.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +["The descendants of man will nourish themselves by immersion in nutritive +fluid. They will have enormous brains, liquid, soulful eyes, and large hands, +on which they will hop. No craggy nose will they have, no vestigial ears; +their mouths will be a small, perfectly round aperture, unanimal, like the +evening star. Their whole muscular system will be shrivelled to nothing, a +dangling pendant to their minds."—<i>Pall Mall Gazette, abridged.</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 250px;"><a href="images/250b-500.png"><img src="images/250b-250.png" width="250" height="179" alt="" /></a></div> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>What, a million years hence, will become of the <i>Genus</i></p> +<p class="i2"><i>Humanum</i>, is truly a question vexed;</p> +<p>At that epoch, however, <i>one</i> prophet has seen us</p> +<p class="i6">Resemble the sketch annexed.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For as Man undergoes Evolution ruthless,</p> +<p class="i2">His skull will grow "dome-like, bald, terete";</p> +<p>And his mouth will be jawless, gumless, toothless—</p> +<p class="i6">No more will he drink or eat!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He will soak in a crystalline bath of pepsine,</p> +<p class="i2">(No <span class="sc">Robert</span> will then have survived, to wait,)</p> +<p>And he'll hop on his hands as his food he steps in—</p> +<p class="i6">A quasi-cherubic gait!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>No longer the land or the sea he'll furrow;</p> +<p class="i2">The world will be withered, ice-cold, dead</p> +<p>As the chill of Eternity grows, he'll burrow</p> +<p class="i6">Far down underground instead.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>If the <i>Pall Mall Gazette</i> has thus been giving</p> +<p class="i2">A forecast correct of this change immense,</p> +<p>Our stars we may thank, then, that <i>we</i> shan't be living</p> +<p class="i6">A million years from hence!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">One Down t'other Come On.</span>—King Log is a most useful substitute +when King Coal has temporarily abdicated.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P.</h4> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, November 13.</i>—<span class="sc">Tomlinson</span> has for +some time observed with deepening disfavour his position in House +as affected by, and compared with, that of his friend and companion +dear, <span class="sc">Tomasso Bowles</span>. <span class="sc">Tommy</span>, to drop into the affectionate +diminutive, is a mere child compared with him. He is but the +birth of the last General Election; whilst for thirteen years this +very month <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span> has presented at Westminster Preston's +idea of the highest form of culture and intelligence.</p> + +<p>Employers' Liability Bill offered opportunity for coming to front; +not that either as Employer or Employed <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span> has any special +knowledge on subject. But he sees as clearly into its bearings as he +does through the average Lancashire stone wall. Awake at nights +drafting new Clauses that should baffle <span class="sc">Asquith</span> and make the <span class="sc">Squire +of Malwood</span> sit up. Looked most imposing on paper. Thought at one +time of posting copy to every elector of Preston, so that he might +see what a power in Senate is the borough Member. Wouldn't cost +so much since, posted at House of Commons in official wrapper, +they might go free. Still there would be remarks made if <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span> +drove into Palace Yard enthroned on top of waggon containing +15,959 addressed copies of Amendments to Employers' Liability Bill. +Gave up idea. Electors must buy the papers where, in +Parliamentary reports, they would read voluminous digests of his +speeches.</p> + +<p>Began soon after House took up Bill this afternoon. First group +of Amendments covered folio page of print. Read admirably; if it +had not been usual for Member in charge of new Clause to explain +to House its object and effect in operation success would have +been assured. Here's where <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span> came to grief; talked for +some time; House listened at first, honestly intent upon considering +project, whatever it might he. Effect of <span class="sc">Tomlinson's</span> speech not +elucidatory. The more he talked the more hopeless the muddle. +When he sat down anguished listeners not quite sure whether he +had (1) moved the Clause, (2) proposed to withdraw it, or (3) suggested +that a more convenient place for insertion would he found later on. +Fortunately new Clause in print among Amendments. That +<span class="sc">Asquith</span> should decline to have anything to do with it natural +enough. Saddest of all befel when from his own side of House +<span class="sc">Rollit</span> bluntly denounced Clause, <span class="sc">Carson</span> hoped it wouldn't be +pressed, and <span class="sc">Henry James</span>, from allied camp opposite, demolished +it with final shot.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page251" id="page251"></a>[pg 251]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;"><a href="images/251-1500.png"><img src="images/251-600.png" width="600" height="435" alt="THE HOME SECRETARY'S SAFETY-VALVE." /></a> +<h4 class="sans">THE HOME SECRETARY'S SAFETY-VALVE. TRAFALGAR SQUARE OF THE FUTURE.</h4></div> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page252" id="page252"></a>[pg 252]</span> + +<p>This not encouraging, but there were other Amendments standing +in his name of which something must be said. <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span> rose +when called on, but gratefully sat down when greeted with mirthful +cries for division. Only gleam of comfort in sorrowful night +was when <span class="sc">Tommy Bowles</span>, rushing in whence he had retreated, +called down on himself <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> stern commentary that his +remarks were "quite irrelevant."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Report Stage of Employers' Liability Bill.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—To casual observer there is nothing in personal +appearance of <span class="sc">Ughtred Kay-Shuttleworth</span> suggestive of the +Tartar. Yet to-night Sir <span class="sc">Ellis Ashmead Bart(lett)</span>, going a +hunting on the Treasury Bench preserves, bagged Secretary to +Admiralty and found he had caught a Tartar. <span class="sc">Ashmead</span>, in +his self-asserted character of <span class="sc">Britannia's</span> Confidential Clerk, +tried to draw <span class="sc">Ughtred</span> on subject of Naval Scare. <span class="sc">Shuttleworth</span>, +with manner that combined severity of a magistrate with +benignity of a dean, managed to present <span class="sc">Ashmead</span> in aspect of +fussy person who, having had some official knowledge, in whatever +subordinate position, ought to have been able to restrain the +self-assertiveness that led him to put such a question. House, +which does not do credit to The <span class="sc">Bart(lett)'s</span> many sterling +qualities, roared with delight. Stung to quick, <span class="sc">Ashmead</span> up +again; shouted across table, "I ask the right hon. gentleman +whether he can give me any evidence of his being alive——" +House, struck with evidence to that effect just given, broke in +with fresh roar of laughter. <span class="sc">Ashmead</span> stood glaring round at +merry circle. When noise subsided, continued: "——any evidence +of his being alive to the importance of his duties?" More +laughter. <span class="sc">Ashmead</span> appealed to <span class="sc">Speaker</span> to reprimand +<span class="sc">Kay-Shuttleworth</span>. +Speaker justified Minister's action. One more +attempt; one more rebuff; and <span class="sc">Ashmead</span> subsided for the night, +not quite sure after all that silence isn't golden. At least it +used to bring in £1000 a year.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—A good deal with the Employers' Liability Bill.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 250px;"><a href="images/252a-600.png"><img src="images/252a-250.png" width="250" height="406" alt="Tommy Bowles and the Pilot." /></a> +<p class="center">Tommy Bowles and the Pilot.</p></div> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Another quiet sitting with Employers' Liability +Bill. Cap'en <span class="sc">Tommy Bowles</span>, respectfully removing his tarpaulin, +and shifting his quid, relieved dullness of afternoon by some capital +yarns. One drew a vivid picture of dangers that lurk behind the +casual pilot. On a dark night in midsummer Cap'en <span class="sc">Tommy</span>, a-sailing +down the coast of Barbaree, came upon what looked like a +town. Turned out to be Algiers; hauled +down his main yard; ran out the topgallantsail +spanker, and bore down on the harbour. +Just as he was entering was boarded by pilot.</p> + +<p>"Sheer off!" says <span class="sc">Tommy</span> through his +polyglot speaking-trumpet. "Don't want your help; +know every rock and shoal on the coast; +will take the ship in myself."</p> + +<p>Pilot produced from lining at back +of his trousers Code of Regulations; this +set forth that pilot was compulsory. +Nothing to do but submit, unless he +would involve Great Britain in war. Pilot +came aboard; took charge; forged ahead; +just going to run ship on breakwater +when <span class="sc">Tommy's</span> keen eye perceived danger.</p> + +<p>"Sir," said the +only Member of House of Commons who, since <span class="sc">Big Ben's</span> death, +holds a sea captain's certificate, "I took my ship out of the pilot's +hand, and brought her in safely."</p> + +<p>House uproariously cheered, and <span class="sc">Frank Lockwood</span> went off and +drew a sketch of the historical scene.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—More of Employers' Liability Bill.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—Government in difficulties to-night. <i>Cherchez la +femme.</i> <span class="sc">Walter M'Laren</span> had her in charge; a modest little +thing, merely asking that women, whether married or single, should +be enabled to vote at election of Parish Councils. House not very +full; no danger anticipated; but Conservatives joined their forces +with Radicals below gangway, and before Ministers quite knew +where they were they found themselves in minority of twenty-one.</p> + +<p>"Winged!" cried Admiral <span class="sc">Borthwick</span>. "The <span class="sc">Fowler</span> went +out shooting, and comes home shot."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/252b-1000.png"><img src="images/252b-500.png" width="500" height="446" alt="'Winged!'" /></a> +<p class="center">"Winged!"</p></div> + +<p>Suggestion made that Government should resign; Mr. G. only +smiled.</p> + +<p>Spiteful little thing <span class="sc">Rentoul</span> said just now. Supporting amendment +to Employers' Liability Bill he remarked "Gentlemen who +sit on this side of the House are in favour of the amendment; +gentlemen who sit on the other side of the House equally approve it; +whilst Sir <span class="sc">Albert Rollit</span>, who sits on every side of the House, does +not object to it."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Employers' Liability Bill reported; Government +defeated; got into Committee on Parish Councils Bill.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Rather painful scene to-night between <span class="sc">Sydney Buxton</span> +and <span class="sc">Sage of Queen Anne's Gate</span>. <span class="sc">Sage</span>, ever thirsting for +knowledge, wanted to know much about Matabeleland. Drafted a +long string of questions addressed to Under Secretary for Colonies.</p> + +<p>"Unfounded assumptions," <span class="sc">Buxton</span>, in the pride of office, +characterised these simple interrogatories. The <span class="sc">Sage</span>, insatiable for +information, desires to have the unfounded assumptions particularised. +<span class="sc">Buxton</span> referred Members to the question.</p> + +<p>"But why," asked the <span class="sc">Sage</span>, with tremble and pathos in his +voice, "did you call them unfounded assumptions?"</p> + +<p>Affected by this spectacle of genuine emotion, <span class="sc">Buxton</span> proposed to +substitute for the obnoxious word milder form "unproved."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the <span class="sc">Sage</span>, sticking to his point; "but you said +unfounded." No use <span class="sc">Buxton</span> attempting to deny this; lapsed into +<ins title="T.N.: Original reads 'embarassed'">embarrassed</ins> silence; probably will be more careful in future.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Very little of Parish Councils Bill.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>A COCKNEY ON A GREAT COLLECTION.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +[We are informed that Prince <span class="sc">Lucien Bonaparte's</span> unique library of some +25,000 volumes, included "a complete set of <i>Punch</i>" preserved presumably +by the Prince for the specimens of "Cockney dialect which it contains."] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem2"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Jest fancy a Prince <span class="sc">Bonyparty</span> sech nuts upon patter and slang!</p> +<p>Proves a Prince may be fly to wot's wot, and of chat as <i>is</i> chat 'ave the 'ang.</p> +<p>Lor bless yer, this <span class="sc">Lucyun</span>, <i>'e</i> knowed all the cackles as ever was chinned.</p> +<p>I'll wager as <i>'e</i> wos aweer as a Billingsgit Pheasant is <i>finned</i>!</p> +<p>He'd got <span class="sc">Solomon's</span> song in Tyke lingo! A pity 'e didn't know <i>me</i>!</p> +<p>I'd ha' run it off into back slang, and ha' done it most willing and free.</p> +<p>'Cos a Prince and a Frenchy at that, as appreshiates <i>Punch</i>, <i>and</i> my patter,</p> +<p>Is a precious sight smarter than some "Cockney" criticks, and that's wot's the matter!</p> +<p>So bully for Prince <span class="sc">Bonyparty</span>! When weighed in 'e's well hup to scale;</p> +<p>And <i>if</i> them books come to the 'ammer, wy <span class="sc">'Arry</span> means seeing the sale!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<table summary="transcriber's note" align="center"> +<tr> + <td class="note"> + +<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4> + +Page 244: Removed extrraneous 'not'. +"and do not follow the senseless fashion of dressing ..." + +<p>The correction listed below is also indicated in the text by a dashed line at the appropriate place:<br /> +Move the mouse over the word, and the original text <ins title="T.N.: Original reads 'apprears'">appears</ins>.</p> + +<p>Page 252: 'embarassed' corrected to 'embarrassed'.</p> + +<p>"... lapsed into embarrassed silence;"</p> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, +November 25, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV 25, 1893 *** + +***** This file should be named 39504-h.htm or 39504-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/5/0/39504/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, November 25, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: April 22, 2012 [EBook #39504] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV 25, 1893 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, November 25th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.--"AFTER THE BALL." + + [The authors of the various versions of this "popular song" + will not, _Mr. Punch_ is sure, object to its refrain being + used in a far wider sense--being applied, so to speak, to a + more extensive _sphere_--than they contemplated.] + +[Illustration] + + Man, youth or maiden, amateurs, pros., + Season of snow-storms, time of the rose, + 'Tis the same story all have to tell! + Not even KIPLING'S go half as well. + Nay: and _this_ story is real and true. + All England over, Colonies too, + Cricketers, golfers, footballers, all + One pursuit follow--they're After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + After one ball-game's over, + Promptly the next seems born; + Quickly the Blackburn Rover + Treads on the "Corn Stalk's" corn. + GRACE, GUNN, and READ, the Brothers + RENSHAW, fall off with the Fall; + But there come hosts of others-- + After the Ball! + + Lords and the Oval, crowded and bright, + Send King Willow's subjects wild with delight. + What are they doing 'midst shout and cheer? + Smiting and chasing a small brown sphere! + Fielded. Sir! Well hit!! Played, _indeed!!!_ Wide!!!! + Oh, well returned, Sir! Caught! No! _Well_ tried! + Cheering! Half-maddened! And what means it all? + Grown men grown boys again--After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + Sixer, or maiden over, + Misfield that moves young scorn, + Every true cricket-lover + Stares at from early morn. + Watching the "champion" scoring, + Ring and pavilion, all + Chattering, cheering, roaring, + After the Ball! + + Then in October's chill and gloom, + Wickets for goals make reluctant room. + Talk is of "forwards," and "backs," and "tries." + "_Footbawl Herdition!_" the newsboy cries. + Fancy _that_, for a sportsman's fad! + Players go frantic, and critics mad; + Pros. and amateurs squabble and squall, + And cripples seek hospital--After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + After the Ball the "Rovers" + Rush, and the "Villans" troop; + "Wolves"--who have lamb-like lovers-- + Worry and whirl and whoop. + Scrimmages fierce, wild jostles, + Many a crashing fall, + Follow as "Blade" hunts "Throstle," + After the Ball! + + Balls are not all of leather, alas! + Cricket, golf, tennis, and football pass; + But ROBERTS the marvellous, PEALL the clever, + Like the Laureate's Brook, can go on for ever! + The ivory ball--like the carvings odd + In a Buddhist shrine--seems an ivory god; + And "A Million Up" will be next the call + Of the "exhibitionists"--After the Ball! + + _Chorus_-- + + After the Ball is over? + Nay, it is _never_ done! + All the year round _some_ lover + Keeps up the spheric fun! + Ivory ball or leather, + Someone will run or sprawl, + Whate'er the hour or weather, + After the Ball! + + Is't that our earth, which, after all, + Itself's a "dark terrestrial ball," + Robs all "sportsmen" of sober sense + Within its "sphere of influence"? + "Special Editions" just to record + How many kicks at a ball are scored?!?! + Doesn't it prove that we mortals all + Have gone sheer "dotty"--After the Ball? + + _Chorus_-- + + After the Ball!--as batter, + Handler of club, racquet, cue. + Or kicker of goals--what matter? + A Ballomaniac you! + Each is as mad as a hatter, + Who is so eager to sprawl, + Scrimmage, scout, smash, smite, clatter, + After the Ball! + + * * * * * + +THE HEIGHT OF COMFORT. + +_Q._ I want to consult you about Flats. You must know all about them, +as you have tried this kind of "high life" for a year. And I am quite +charmed with the idea of getting one. Now, don't you find that they +have many advantages over the old-fashioned separate house system? + +_A._ Oh, a great many! + +_Q._ I suppose that even in such paradises a few drawbacks do exist? + +_A._ A few. For instance, did you notice, during your painful progress +upstairs, a doctor coming out of the rooms just below us? No? Then you +were fortunate. There's a typhoid case there, we hear. + +_Q._ Dear me! Now I think of it, I did meet a woman dressed as a +hospital nurse. But she was coming down from somewhere above you. + +_A._ Yes. The people over our heads. It's a scarlet fever patient they +have, I believe. We can hear the nurse moving about in the middle +of the night. And chemists' boys with medicines call at our door, by +mistake, at all hours. + +_Q._ Still, they can't get in. Your flat is your castle, surely? + +_A._ Quite so. It's a pity it isn't a roomier castle. Our bedrooms are +like cupboards, and look out on a dark court. We have to keep the gas +burning there all day. + +_Q._ Oh, indeed! But then, being on one floor, living must be much +cheaper, because you can do with only one servant? + +_A._ That is true; but we find that the difficulty is to get servants +to do with us. They hate being mastheaded like this; they miss the +area, and the talks with the tradesmen, and so on. + +_Q._ But they must go downstairs to take dust and cinders away? + +_A._ No, those go down the shoot. At least, a good many of the cinders +do, though some seem to stop on the way. Our downstair neighbours +complain horribly, and threaten to summon us. + +_Q._ Do they? On the whole, however, you find your fellow-residents +obliging? + +_A._ Oh, very! The landing window leads to some disputes. We like it +open. The people upstairs prefer it shut. The case comes on at the +police court next week. + +_Q._ You surprise me! Then, as regards other expenses, you save, don't +you, by paying no rates? + +_A._ We do. That is why our landlord charges us for these eight rooms +on one floor just double what we should have to pay for a large house +all to ourselves. + +_Q._ Thanks for giving me so much information. Of course, I knew there +must be some disadvantages. And you won't be surprised to hear that we +have taken a flat after all, as they are so fashionable? + +_A._ On the contrary, I should be quite surprised if you didn't. + + * * * * * + +WELCOME TO "JOEY!" + +[Illustration: "HERE WE ARE AGAIN!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SAD! + +_Sportsman_ (_proud of his favourite_). "NOW THAT'S A MARE I _MADE_ +ENTIRELY MYSELF! MARVELLOUSLY CLEVER, I CAN TELL YOU!" + +_Non-Sportsman_ (_from town, startled_). "EH, WHAT? DEAR ME! +WONDERFULLY CLEVER, CERTAINLY." (_Mentally._) "POOR FELLOW, POOR +FELLOW! WHAT A MOST EXTRAORDINARY HALLUCINATION!"] + + * * * * * + +HOME RAILS. + +(_By a Mournful Moralist._) + + Each day my heart with pity throbs; + Can sympathy refuse + The ready tears, the frequent sobs, + When reading City news? + + Not long ago I daily found + That you were good and "strong"-- + You gained but little, I'll be bound, + Nor kept that little long; + + Yet I was happy, since it meant + That, for a blissful term, + You were so very excellent, + So "steady" and so "firm." + + Prosperity brings pride to all; + You rose too high to sell. + Then--pride must always have a fall-- + You lamentably fell. + + Think what your altered state has cost. + Alas, you must confess + That you are ruined since you lost + Your noble steadiness! + + "Unsettled" then--oh, feeble will!-- + "Inactive" you were too. + There's Someone "finds some mischief still + For idle hands to do." + + "Why be inactive? All should work. + Rise then, and do not seek + Good honest enterprise to shirk, + Because you're rather "weak." + + Alas, what use exhorting that + Your fall you should annul? + When some remark that you are "flat," + And others call you "dull." + + At times I hoped that you would turn, + And mend your evil ways, + That you were "better," I would learn, + And "quiet" on some days. + + But now your baseness fitly ends, + "Irregular"--and so + You are "neglected" by your friends, + Who all pronounce you "low." + + This conduct gives me such a shock, + I wipe my streaming eyes-- + I want to sell some railway stock; + I'm waiting for the rise! + + * * * * * + +THE "ULTRA FASHIONABLE DINNER-HOUR" WHEN DICKENS WROTE _MARTIN +CHUZZLEWIT_.--It is mentioned by _Montague Tigg_, when that typical +swindler gives _Jonas Chuzzlewit_ an invitation to a little dinner. +It was "seven." Very few have guessed it, but most correspondents have +referred to the dinner-hour at _Todgers's_. But _Todgers's_ was a very +second-class establishment. + +SOMEBODY proposes another Dickensian query:--SCENE--_The wedding at +Wardle's._ TIME--_After the wedding breakfast:_--"At dinner they met +again, after a five-and-twenty-mile walk." Where did they breakfast, +and where did they dine, and how many hours did men of _Mr. +Pickwick's_ and _Mr. Tupman's_ build take to do a twenty-five-mile +walk in? + + * * * * * + +THE GOLFER'S PARADISE.--_Link_-ed sweetness long drawn out. + + * * * * * + +THE REAL ROADS TO SUCCESS.--CECIL RHODES. + + * * * * * + +REX LOBENGULA. + + ["Rhymes are difficult things, they are stubborn things, + Sir."--FIELDING: _Amelia_.] + + LOBENGULA! LOBENGULA! + How do you pronounce your name? + How do those who call you ruler + Your regality proclaim? + + Does the stalwart Matabele + Seared with many a cruel scar, + Ere he gives his life so freely, + Hail you King LOBENGULA? + + Have I read in British journals, + On a 'bus _en route_ to Holborn, + Telegrams where British Colonels + Have the cheek to call you LO-BEN? + + Has your name some fearful meaning + Redolent of blood and bones, + Or am I correct in weening + It's vernacular for JONES? + + Kaiser! Potentate! Dictator! + Any title that's sublime + Choose, but send us cis-equator + For your name the proper rhyme. + + * * * * * + +AFTER THE CALL. + + ["A further call of L5 per share has recently been made on the + shareholders in one of the companies in the Balfour group."] + + After the call is over, + What is there left to do, + All absolutely vanished, + Left not a single sou. + Furniture, trinkets, money, + Gone, gone, alas! are they all; + What is there left but the workhouse + After the call? + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE XV.--_The Drawing-room at Hornbeam Lodge._ TIME--_Monday +evening, about six._ ALTHEA _is listlessly striking chords on the +piano_; Mrs. TOOVEY _is sitting by one of the windows_. + +_Mrs. Toovey_ (_to herself_). Where _did_ THEOPHILUS go last Saturday? +He is either the most consummate hypocrite, or the most blameless lamb +that ever breathed; and I'm sure _I_ don't know which! But I'll find +out when CHARLES comes. It would be almost a relief to find Pa _was_ +guilty; for, if he isn't---- But, thank goodness, he is not very +likely ever to hear where _I_ was that evening! + +_Althea_ (_to herself_). It couldn't _really_ have been Mamma in that +box; she has never made the slightest reference to it. I almost wish +she _had_ been there; it would have been easier to tell her. What +_would_ she say if she knew I had gone to such a place as the +Eldorado? + + [_She drifts, half unconsciously, into the air of_ "The Hansom + Cabman." + +_Mrs. Toov._ What is that tune you are playing, THEA? + +_Alth._ (_flushing_). N--nothing, Mamma. Only a tune I heard when I +was in town. The--the boys in the street whistle it. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Then it's hardly fit to be played upon _my_ piano. +I shouldn't wonder if it came out of one of those abominable +music-halls! + +_Alth._ (_to herself_). She must mean something by that. If she was +there after all! (_Aloud, distressed._) Mamma, what makes you say +that? Do--do you _know_? + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_in equal confusion_). Know! Explain yourself, child. +How could I possibly----? (_To herself._) I shall betray myself if I +am not more careful! + +_Alth._ I--I thought--I don't know--it was the way you said it. (_To +herself._) I very nearly did for myself _that_ time! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_as_ ALTHEA _strikes more chords_). For goodness' sake, +THEA, either play a proper piece, or shut up the piano and take up +some useful work. There's the crazy-quilt I've begun for the Bazaar; +you might get on with that. + +_Alth._ (_closing the piano_). The colours _are_ so frightful, Mamma! + +_Mrs. Toov._ What does that signify, my dear? When it's for a charity! +Really, I'm beginning to think this visit to town has not had at all +a good effect upon you. You've come back unable to settle down to +anything. Yes, I see a great change in you, ALTHEA, and it's not +confined to the worldly way you do your hair. I sincerely hope it will +not strike Mr. CURPHEW as it does me. You know he is dining here this +evening? I told him in my note that if he _liked_ to come a little +earlier----(_Significantly._) I think he has something to say to you, +THEA. Perhaps you can guess what? + +_Alth._ (_twisting her hands nervously_). Oh no, Mamma. I--I can't see +Mr. CURPHEW--not alone, I mean. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Don't be ridiculous, my dear. You know perfectly well +that he admires you. He has very properly spoken first to your +father, and we both consider you a most fortunate girl. He is a truly +excellent young man, which is the _first_ consideration; and, what +is even _more_ important, he is, as far as I can gather, making an +excellent income. And you can't deny that you were interested in him +from the very first. + +_Alth._ N--not in that way, Mamma. At least, not any longer. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Nonsense. If Mr. CURPHEW proposes, I shall be seriously +annoyed if you put him off with any foolish shilly-shallying. Mind +that. And here he is--at least, it's _somebody_ at the front door. +I've mislaid my glasses as usual. And if it is Mr. CURPHEW, I shall +send him in here at once; so remember what I've said. (_She goes out +into the hall, and discovers her nephew_ CHARLES.) So it is _you_, +CHARLES! You're rather earlier than I expected. + +_Charles._ Nothing much doing at the office, Aunt. And I thought I +might have to dress for dinner, you know. + +_Mrs. Toov._ You ought to know by this time that we are plain people +and do not not follow the senseless fashion of dressing ourselves +up for a family dinner, but I am glad you came early, all the same, +CHARLES, as I should like a little talk with you before your Uncle +comes in. We had better go into the study. (_To herself, as she leads +the way._) Now I shall get it out of him! + +END OF SCENE XV. + +[Illustration: "Dear, dear me!"] + + +SCENE XVI.--_In the Study._ + +_Mrs. Toovey_ (_fixing_ CHARLES _with her eye_). What is this I hear +of your proceedings last Saturday night, CHARLES? Come, you can't +deceive _me_, you know! + +_Charles._ I never made any secret about my proceedings. I told Uncle +we might probably drop into the Eldorado or somewhere after dinner. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, in consternation_). The Eldorado? they +_did_ go there then! If only they didn't see me! (_Aloud._) Yes, +CHARLES, go on. And while you were there, did you see anyone you--you +thought you recognised? + +_Charles_ (_to himself_). She's heard! (_Aloud._) I should rather +think I _did_, Aunt. Never was more surprised in my life. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_with a groan_). And--and was your _Uncle_ surprised, +too, CHARLES? + +_Charles._ Uncle? I haven't told _him_ yet. + +_Mrs. Toov._ But he was _there_, CHARLES, with you; he must have +seen--whatever you did! Or didn't he? + +_Charles._ At the Valhalla? my _dear_ Aunt! + +_Mrs. Toov._ Who's talking about a Valhalla? I mean the _Eldorado_, of +course; that was where you _said_ you went! + +_Charles._ No--no, we couldn't get in at the El.; all the stalls gone, +so we went to the Val. instead. Just the same sort of thing. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, relieved_). To the Val.! What a fright I've +had for nothing! (_Aloud._) I quite understand, CHARLES. You took +your Uncle to a place called the Val., _not_ the--er--El. What did you +_see_ there? that's the point! + +_Charles._ I didn't take Uncle there; I was with a man from our office +when I saw him. I must have seen him there often enough, but somehow +I never spotted him before. It was the make-up, the _disguise_, you +know, wig and moustache, and all that. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Do you mean to say your Uncle attends music-halls +disguised in a wig and moustache? CHARLES, who was he _with_? I _will_ +know! + +_Charles_ (_in fits of laughter_). Uncle? At the Val. in disguise? +now, is it _likely_? I thought you knew all about it, or I shouldn't +have said a word! + +_Mrs. Toov._ You have said too much to stop _now_, CHARLES. It +is useless to try to turn it off like that. If it was not Pa you +recognised at this Val. place, who _was_ it? + +_Charles_ (_to himself_). If I don't tell her she'll only go on +suspecting poor old Uncle THEO. (_Aloud._) Well, you're bound to find +it out sooner or later; and I admire him all the more for it myself. +I'd no idea he had it _in_ him. Shows how mistaken you may be in +fellows. + +_Mrs. Toov._ I've yet to learn who and what you are talking about, +CHARLES! + +_Charles._ Why, that quiet, modest friend of yours, Mr. CLARENCE +CURPHEW, if you _must_ know! + +_Mrs. Toov._ I don't believe it. Mr. CURPHEW is not at all the sort of +young man to spend his money in such resorts. + +_Charles._ He don't _spend_ it there--he _makes_ it. My dear Aunt, you +ought to feel honoured by having such a distinguished acquaintance. +Don't you remember my mentioning the great music-hall star, WALTER +WILDFIRE? You must. Well, CLARENCE CURPHEW and WALTER WILDFIRE are one +and the same person--honour bright, they are! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_sinking back with a gasp_). A--a music-hall star! And +I have been urging ALTHEA to---- Oh, how fortunate it is I have been +warned in time! He shall not see her--I will write and put him off--at +once! + + [Mr. TOOVEY _enters blandly_. + +_Mr. Toov._ Ah, CHARLES, my boy, so here you are? that's right, that's +right. You, too, CORNELIA? (_To her, in an undertone._) It's all +right, my love--our dear young friend, Mr. CURPHEW, you know--we met +on the doorstep just now, and I've left him and THEA together in the +drawing-room. I thought it was best, eh? + + [_He looks to her for approval._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ You've left---- But there, I might have known! No, don't +speak to me, Pa--there's no time to lose! Come with me, CHARLES, I may +want you. + + [_She rustles out of the room, followed by_ CHARLES. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_looking after her in mild perplexity_). Dear, dear me! +I wonder what can be the matter _now_. CORNELIA seems so very---- I +hardly like to go and see--and yet, perhaps, I ought--perhaps I ought. +There's one comfort, whatever it is, it can't have anything to do with +that dreadful Eldorado. Yes, I'd better go and look into it! + + [_He goes out._--_End of Scene XVI._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "USING LANGUAGE." + +_The Squire._ "WELL, SMITH, I WANT YOUR ADVICE. HADN'T WE BETTER LET +THEM HAVE THEIR WAY THIS TIME?" + +_Smith._ "NO, NO, SIR. STICK TO YOUR RIGHTS! WHAT _I_ SAY IS--'GIVE +SUCH PEOPLE A HINCH AND THEY'LL TAKE A HELL'--IF YOU'LL PARDON MY +USIN' SUCH STRONG LANGUAGE!"] + + * * * * * + +MAGIC AND MANUFACTURES. + +(_A Fairy Fragment from the German._) + +Little ALICE was delighted with her surroundings. She had found her +way into a lumber-room, which was filled with modern furniture and +modern toys. "How pretty they are!" she exclaimed; "and how I would +like to speak to them!" + +Then the Cup and Saucer labelled a "Present from Ramsgate," and the +Old Grandfather's Clock glowed with satisfaction. Evidently they +wished to join in the conversation. + +Then ALICE thought that perhaps she might raise a sprite or a goblin +of some magical person by reading ANDERSEN'S Fairy Stories backward. +She had scarcely, with some difficulty, completed the first page +(rendered reversely) of "The Shepherdess and the Brave Tin Soldier," +when an old lady, about eighteen inches high, suddenly appeared before +her. + +"You want all these inanimate things to speak?" said the new comer. +"Well, you will be disappointed if they do." + +ALICE protested that she would be delighted beyond measure if they +would but talk. "It will be interesting, so very interesting, dear +godmother," she cried; and then she added, "I suppose I may assume +that you _are_ my godmother?" + +"You may assume anything you like," snapped out the little old lady; +"only don't bother me. Here! I authorise all these things to talk. I +will be back again by-and-by to see how you are getting on. Adieu." +And then the little old lady disappeared. And then, as she had +foretold, ALICE suffered great disappointment. + +The Cup and Saucer "A Present from Ramsgate," began speaking sixteen +words to the dozen, but ALICE could not make out the meaning. Then the +Old Grandfather's Clock talked, but without better effect. ALICE could +not understand a syllable. And the box of tin Highlanders followed +suit. So did a doll dressed as an Irish peasant. Then all sorts of +things that seemed to be English to the backbone or last ounce +of metal--scissors, books, and calico curtains--kept up a fire of +conversation. But ALICE could make out nothing. She was absolutely +astounded. Here were heaps of British goods suddenly endowed with the +power of speech, and yet she could not understand them! + +And as she considered, the little old lady again appeared. + +"Well, child!" she exclaimed. "What's the matter? You seem perplexed! +Have not all the toys been talking?" + +"Why, yes," faltered ALICE; "but then you see I cannot understand a +word they say!" + +"Of course you cannot," replied the Fairy. "They speak only their +native language." + +"Their native language! Then why don't they speak English?" + +"Because, my good girl," returned the Fairy, preparing to take her +departure, "they cannot. You see, young lady, they don't know anything +about the English language, and this is natural enough, for they were +all made in Germany!" + + * * * * * + +THE FUTURE OF HOME RULE. + + MR. GL-DST-NE: ANOTHER TELEPATHIC AUTOMATIC INTERVIEW. + +I had not seen Mr. GL-DST-NE for two days, nor had I heard from him +for three posts, neither knew I where he was. I knew he _had_ been at +Downing Street. That evening I found myself in an Inner Circle train, +and no sooner there than I made up my mind to ask Mr. GL-DST-NE if he +would mind my interviewing him. My hand at once wrote--on the margin +of my evening paper--that he was at Downing Street, and that I might +have the interview. It was quite an ordinary one, except that I +thought the questions and wrote the answers on my knee with my hand. +"Well, Mr. GL-DST-NE," I said, or, rather, thought, "what do you think +of Home Rule?" My hand (not the Old Parliamentary Hand) wrote:-- + +"W. E. G. I do not think that I shall be in any way departing from +what has long since become to be recognised as the practice applicable +to this present set of circumstances, a practice to which I am able +to speak from an experience of more than sixty years, when I say +speaking, not merely for myself, but for the whole of the Members of +the Cabinet, and, indeed, I may fairly say of the Government in its +entirety, that we are not indisposed to grant to Ireland that measure +of self-government for which she is asking in a constitutional way +through her duly elected representatives, and that we earnestly hope +that as a result of our efforts we may be enabled, with a reasonable +prospect of finality, to put an end to a condition of affairs which +for the whole of the present century has embittered our relations +with our sister country, and has exposed us to the censures of +every authority in the civilised world whose acknowledged competency +entitles him to an opinion." + +Then I ventured a question as to the future. "What about Home Rule +next Session, Mr. GL-DST-NE?" + +"The question as to what position the Home Rule controversy will +assume next Session is naturally one which can only be determined when +we have before us all the facts which are essential for the purpose +of enabling us to arrive at a definitive conclusion, and as soon as +it becomes reasonably plain what the exact position of parties will +be when it becomes necessary to decide on what lines the policy of +the Government will proceed. I may, however, say that, whilst not +forgetful in any way of the obligations of honour under which the +Liberal party lie to the Irish people, and whilst it will be our duty +at the earliest available moment to press forward measures which shall +carry out our pledges in that direction, we shall not forget that the +consideration of what are not unnaturally termed English reforms is an +imperative necessity, to which the attention of the Government will be +directed at the first opportunity." + +By this time I had reached Charing Cross, and as I passed out the +ticket-examiner handed me a postcard. It was in Mr. GL-DST-NE'S +writing. Judge of my astonishment when I found that quite +spontaneously he had written to me just what I had written in the +interview. I at once wrote to him and informed him of what had +happened. His answer was: "It is most extraordinary. If I didn't +believe all you tell me, I should have come to the conclusion that +you faked (I think that is the word) the interview up out of my old +speeches." So there you have the whole story. Someone suggests I +should publish the postcard. Curiously enough, I have mislaid it. But +two and two make four, and you can go and ask the ticket-examiner. + + * * * * * + +Cause and Effect. + +"I am occupied with my secretaries while I am dressing."--_Lord +Herschell to the deputation of Liberal Members, Nov. 16._ + +"Mr. K. MUIR MACKENZIE, Q.C., Permanent Sec. to the LORD CHANCELLOR, +has been made a Companion of the Bath."--_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +PLEASANT SPOOKERY. + +Yes, thanks to BRANDON THOMAS'S skill, and PENLEY'S comic _nous_, The +lucky "Globe" may well be called the real '_Aunt_-ed House! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BABY-WORSHIP. (THE POINT OF VIEW.) + +"YOUR NIECES SEEM VERY FOND OF BABIES, MR. SINNICK. I SUPPOSE YOU ARE +TOO?" + +"OH YES; LIKE 'EM AWFULLY; ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY BEGIN TO _CRY_." + +"AH, YOU THINK THE DEAR LITTLE THINGS ARE IN PAIN?" + +"YES; AND SOMEBODY RINGS THE BELL, YOU KNOW, AND THE NURSE COMES, AND +THE DEAR LITTLE THINGS ARE TAKEN AWAY TO THE NURSERY!"] + + * * * * * + +THE HANDY BOY. + + ["In the office he held, which in reality was much too heavy + for any single man to bear, it was necessary to live almost a + monastic life, and the eight hours which some persons regarded + as a maximum of toil seemed to those who occupied that + position a dim and distant and golden vision."--_Lord + Rosebery, at the opening of the Battersea Town Hall_.] + +_The Missis soliloquiseth_:-- + + Ah! he's really the usefullest boy, that + young PRIMROSE, that ever we've had, + And I'm sure I don't know, not sometimes, + how we'd get along, but for that lad! + So willing, and so civil-spoken, yet none too + much given to mag. + He does the House credit all round, and I'm + sure he's the pick o' the bag. + + Gets through his own work without + worrit, and then he's so good at odd jobs! + Which some servants are awfully uppish, and + thinks themselves no end of nobs. + But PRIMROSE is pleasant and modest, you + know where the boy's to be found, + And there's nothing he won't turn his hand + to, to make things agreeable all round. + + Heigho! How I wish----But no matter! + Young PRIMROSE, he _knows_ such a lot, + And he seems to be trusted by all, which + some of us, I fear,--well, are _not_. + There is WILLIAM, the butler, and John, now; + they 're excellent servants, of course, + Yet they don't seem as happy as PRIMROSE, + although the boy works like a horse! + + _His_ task's to attend to the door, which needs + wonderful quickness and tact; + For our visitors, foreign and others, _are_ + troublesome, that is a fact. + But Russian, or Frenchman, or L.C.C. boss + from out Battersea way, + Or a working-man out of a job, PRIMMY + always knows just what to say. + + He's a treasure, that boy; and I'm always + a-putting fresh work on his back! + There's this Coal Question now! Awful + worry! He has such a wonderful knack + I am sure he might settle _that_ shindy. If + so he will just be a jewel! + If pig-headedness holds on _both_ sides, we + shall presently run out of fuel. + + If he can "conciliate" them, it will truly be + very good biz: + And so I've _suggested_--no more!--that "the + boy"--ah! by Jove, here he is! + Poor chap! Two big scuttles--up-stairs! + He must find it a terrible pull, + With _his_ work too! But if he succeeds--well, + the cup of his credit is full. + + Ah, PRIMROSE, my boy! This _is_ good of you! + Two at a time, too. Oh, dear!-- + It is not just _your_ work, I'll allow, and you + find they are heavy, I fear. + But you know what a bother it's been. Some + chaps are such obstinate souls!-- + But I was quite sure that _you_ wouldn't mind + stooping to--taking up coals! + + * * * * * + +Why does LOBENGULA, when finding fault with his regiments, appear a +great commander? Because then he is an Impi rater. + + * * * * * + +QUEER CARDS. + +(_By a Rural Innkeeper, who has been "had."_) + + They come to me (a poor old chap!) + And take one room--mostly the same; + A quiet spot, they say, for Nap: + (But "Crib's" their real game.) + Their luggage is a smallish trunk, + A whopping walking-stick--alway! + When for a month they've fed and drunk, + I gently hint at pay. + They say, "Why, certainly! They mean + To dwell some months beneath my roof. + So happy they have _never_ been!" + (I think they call this "Spoof.") + They swear my wife's the best of cooks, + They hint they're half in love with SUKEY, + My daughter, who _can_ boast good looks + (And here begins Blind Hookey). + Then, when they're some more weeks in debt, + I tell them Tick's last door is shut; + When--their knave's tricks not ended yet-- + They shuffle--pack--and _cut_! + + * * * * * + +BUSINESS. + + ["France, it is expected, will endeavour to hasten England's + evacuation of Egypt, and Russia will try to settle the + question of the Dardanelles."--_Daily Chronicle._] + + Who says that Franco-Russian gush + Means naught, to reason's optic? + The Russ will help the Frank to rush + England, from regions Coptic; + And--here JOHN BULL must surely flinch, + While Gallia's bosom swells!-- + The Bear, if but allowed an inch, + Will take--the Dardanelles! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HANDY BOY! + +THE MISSIS. "I KNEW YOU HAD PLENTY TO DO, PRIMROSE, BUT I WAS QUITE +SURE YOU WOULDN'T MIND TAKING UP THOSE COALS!"] + + * * * * * + +THE OLD AND NEW SCHOOL--FOR SCANDAL. + +The two principal figures to be considered are Mr. WILLIAM FARREN, +who, as _Sir Peter_, is a Master of Arts in the OLD SCHOOL, and Miss +REHAN, who as _Lady Teazle_ is an experimentalising teacher in the New +_School for Scandal_. All playgoers, whose memory takes them back over +a quarter of a century, must be familiar with WILLIAM FARREN'S _Sir +Peter_, which, in our time may have been rivalled, but has rarely +been equalled (I do not remember his equal in the past), and certainly +never excelled. A trifle overdone now and then, a trifle hard in +manner here and there, perhaps, but, as a whole, simply admirable. +Mr. DALY never made a better engagement than when he secured WILLIAM +FARREN for _Sir Peter_. About Miss REHAN'S _Lady Teazle_ there will be +various opinions and, truth to tell, I do not precisely know from what +point of view and by what standard to judge of her performance. _Sir +Peter_ describes her as "a girl bred wholly in the country," and +so forth, "yet," he continues, "she now plays her part in all the +extravagant fopperies of fashion and the town with as ready a grace as +if she had never seen a bush or a grass plot out of Grosvenor Square." +To let her country training be perceived through the assumed airs and +graces of a town Madame seems to me to be Miss REHAN'S object; and in +this, granting her ideas of the country hoyden and the town lady to +be correct, she certainly succeeds; notably in the scenes with _Sir +Peter_. For thus is the Jekyl-and-Hyde-ness of her character made +apparent: in company, in the scandal scenes, she is to be all airs and +graces, but when alone with her husband she, in spite of her perpetual +wrangling with him, reappears as her own natural self, with most of +the polish temporarily rubbed off. But if this be so, then, when in +"society," her funny little run and shaking of the head are out of +place, while they may be accepted as a relapse into her provincialisms +when she is quite free and easy, _en tete-a-tete_ with _Sir Peter_, +and especially bent on captivating him by recalling to his memory the +lass of whom he had become desperately enamoured some eight months +ago. + +[Illustration: _Shade of Sheridan._ "William Farren, my old friend, I +congratulate you: and I suspect that in the present generation I owe +you much." + +_Sir William Peter Farren Teazle._ "Not more than I do you, Mr. +Sheridan. Let us say, mutually indebted." + + [_They exchange snuff-pinches._ +] + +In the Screen Scene when "discovered," Miss REHAN'S attitude is +eloquent; and on this tableau I have always thought the curtain should +descend, as all after this, even _Sir Peter's_ exit with "damn your +sentiments," good as it is, is an anti-climax. I should prefer that +Miss REHAN'S _Lady Teazle_ should be silent, or if it must be played +as written, then here of all situations in the comedy would I insist +upon her emphasising the perfectly natural manner of the unaffected +country girl, instead of addressing Sir _Peter_ in the deep tones of a +tragedian, as if attempting a mere theatrical effect. In the last Act, +as arranged, she appears to have done with her town airs and graces +for ever, and, wearing a queer sort of mob-cap, enters on _Sir +Peter's_ arm, ready with him to face the ridicule, the satire, and the +scandal of their world. + +Miss VANBRUGH makes a delightful _Lady Sneerwell_, and Mrs. GILBERT +a dear old _Mrs. Candour_, who would spitefully gossip about her +neighbours for hours together. _Maria_ is almost always a thankless +part, and Miss PERCY HASWELL leaves no doubt on the mind of the +audience of her being a poor orphan of some six months' standing. +The part of _Moses_ offers very little scope to Mr. JAMES LEWIS, +especially as the celebrated "I'll take my oath of that" is cut out, +and some lines are introduced, which being quite un-Sheridanesque and +un-Mosaic do not in the least assist the character. However, as he is +much slapped on the back, dug in the ribs, and generally treated as a +butt by _Charles_ and _Careless_ (who, by the way, gives _"Here's to +the Maiden"_ in first-rate style), Mr. LEWIS may be congratulated on +getting to the end of his impersonation of one of the long-suffering +tribe in perfect safety. Mr. BOURCHIER'S _Charles_ goes well with +the audience; but Mr. GEORGE CLARKE is too conscientious, and too +impressed with a sense of the horrible scoundrelism of _Joseph's_ +character to be ever really at home in so uncongenial a part. + +For the re-arrangement, much may be said "for," and more "against." +There is only one point that strikes me as absolutely inartistic, and +that is, making _Sir Peter_ give his explanatory speech about his wife +_after_ we have seen her, instead of leaving it in its proper place, +as SHERIDAN wrote it, where it serves as a prologue to the subsequent +scene between _Sir Peter_ and _Lady Teazle_, when she appears for the +first time in the comedy. + +There are some curious oversights in the scenic arrangements at +Daly's. The first is in _Charles Surface's_ picture gallery, _which +has no windows and no skylight_. The second is that though _Charles_ +has sold all his books, yet through the door of the picture-room are +seen the first shelves of an evidently well-stocked library. The third +oversight is in _Joseph's_ chambers, described in the original play +as "_a library in Joseph Surface's house_," where, when he tells _Sir +Peter_ that "_books are the only things I am a coxcomb in_," there are +only a very few volumes to be seen, and these are lying at haphazard +on a table. + +[Illustration: Lady Ada Rehan Teazle. + +"In for some sort of a run"--at Daly's.] + +To revert for a moment to _Charles Surface's_ windowless and +skylightless picture gallery, the scene takes place in the evening, +after dinner, or supper, and how is the huge apartment lighted? Why, +by a couple of ordinary candles placed on a side-table, while on the +mantelpiece at the back remain a couple of silver candelabra, filled +with candles which remain all the time unlighted. Why, naturally, the +company would have been in darkness, but not a bit of it, for these +two candles do give so preternaturally wonderful an illumination, that +the stage is as bright as a sunlighted garden at noonday in July. The +company that could produce such candles would make a fortune by their +patent. The dance at the end of the first Act brings down the curtain +to enthusiastic applause, and, to the end, the old comedy, in spite +of various chops and changes, holds its own, as it ever will do, +triumphantly. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +FATHER CHRISTMAS is already sending out his Cards for the Coming +Festivity, now six weeks ahead. His representatives all "decorated," +and still ready to receive any amount of "orders," are MARCUS WARD, +the RAPHAEL TUCK family, C. W. FAULKNER, C. DELGADO, and many others, +whose excellent works are known to all, and by none more appreciated +than by the youthful Baronites and Baronitesses. + +"BLACKIE AND SON!" says a Junior Baronite; "why, that must he the +publishers of Christy Minstrel works!" but they are soon undeceived. +Such delightful books! their very bindings are suggestive of +cheerfulness, and seem to invite inspection. We will take a peep +inside, like Jack Horner, and pull out the best plummed story. +Three by G. A. HENTY, who knows how and what to write for youths of +adventurous spirit. His three are:-- + +_Through the Sikh War._ Indian affairs are always of interest to the +young Britisher, "who will," quoth the little Baronite, "_seek_ and +find all he wants in this book." + +_St. Bartholomew's Eve_ might be a tale of curiosity, but it is +history, and deals with the valour of an English boy during the +Huguenot Wars. Being a hero, he does not get killed in the massacre, +but lives to fight another day. + +_A Jacobite Exile_ is a tale of the Swedes. Hardly necessary, perhaps, +or as SHAKSPEARE puts it, "Swedes to the Swede,--superfluous." To the +English reader, therefore, it is not a superfluity. + +Then here is The _Penny Illustrated_. It is called "_Roses_" and +whatever any reader may require, here he will find it "all among the +roses." The rearer and cultivator of these "Roses" is JOHN LATEY, +whose "Rose of Hastings" is among the best of the contributions. "We +can't do better than provide ourselves and our families with this +specimen of a Flowery Annual," quoth, + + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW ADJECTIVE. + +_Customer._ "YOU'LL FIND I MEASURE A BIT MORE ROUND THE WAIST THAN I +DID LAST TIME YOU TOOK MY MEASURE." + +_Tailor._ "AH, WELL, SIR, IF I MAY BE ALLOWED TO SAY SO, YOU _ARE_ A +TRIFLE MORE--AH--MORE _LOBENGULOUS_ THAN FORMERLY."] + + * * * * * + +1,000,000 A. D. + + ["The descendants of man will nourish themselves by immersion + in nutritive fluid. They will have enormous brains, liquid, + soulful eyes, and large hands, on which they will hop. No + craggy nose will they have, no vestigial ears; their mouths + will be a small, perfectly round aperture, unanimal, like the + evening star. Their whole muscular system will be shrivelled + to nothing, a dangling pendant to their minds."--_Pall Mall + Gazette, abridged._] + +[Illustration] + + What, a million years hence, will become of the _Genus + Humanum_, is truly a question vexed; + At that epoch, however, _one_ prophet has seen us + Resemble the sketch annexed. + + For as Man undergoes Evolution ruthless, + His skull will grow "dome-like, bald, terete"; + And his mouth will be jawless, gumless, toothless-- + No more will he drink or eat! + + He will soak in a crystalline bath of pepsine, + (No ROBERT will then have survived, to wait,) + And he'll hop on his hands as his food he steps in-- + A quasi-cherubic gait! + + No longer the land or the sea he'll furrow; + The world will be withered, ice-cold, dead + As the chill of Eternity grows, he'll burrow + Far down underground instead. + + If the _Pall Mall Gazette_ has thus been giving + A forecast correct of this change immense, + Our stars we may thank, then, that _we_ shan't be living + A million years from hence! + + * * * * * + +ONE DOWN T'OTHER COME ON.--King Log is a most useful substitute when +King Coal has temporarily abdicated. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, November 13._--TOMLINSON has for some time +observed with deepening disfavour his position in House as affected +by, and compared with, that of his friend and companion dear, TOMASSO +BOWLES. TOMMY, to drop into the affectionate diminutive, is a mere +child compared with him. He is but the birth of the last General +Election; whilst for thirteen years this very month TOMLINSON has +presented at Westminster Preston's idea of the highest form of culture +and intelligence. + +Employers' Liability Bill offered opportunity for coming to front; +not that either as Employer or Employed TOMLINSON has any special +knowledge on subject. But he sees as clearly into its bearings as +he does through the average Lancashire stone wall. Awake at nights +drafting new Clauses that should baffle ASQUITH and make the SQUIRE OF +MALWOOD sit up. Looked most imposing on paper. Thought at one time of +posting copy to every elector of Preston, so that he might see what +a power in Senate is the borough Member. Wouldn't cost so much since, +posted at House of Commons in official wrapper, they might go free. +Still there would be remarks made if TOMLINSON drove into Palace +Yard enthroned on top of waggon containing 15,959 addressed copies of +Amendments to Employers' Liability Bill. Gave up idea. Electors +must buy the papers where, in Parliamentary reports, they would read +voluminous digests of his speeches. + +Began soon after House took up Bill this afternoon. First group of +Amendments covered folio page of print. Read admirably; if it had not +been usual for Member in charge of new Clause to explain to House its +object and effect in operation success would have been assured. Here's +where TOMLINSON came to grief; talked for some time; House listened at +first, honestly intent upon considering project, whatever it might he. +Effect of TOMLINSON'S speech not elucidatory. The more he talked the +more hopeless the muddle. When he sat down anguished listeners not +quite sure whether he had (1) moved the Clause, (2) proposed to +withdraw it, or (3) suggested that a more convenient place for +insertion would he found later on. Fortunately new Clause in print +among Amendments. That ASQUITH should decline to have anything to do +with it natural enough. Saddest of all befel when from his own side +of House ROLLIT bluntly denounced Clause, CARSON hoped it wouldn't +be pressed, and HENRY JAMES, from allied camp opposite, demolished it +with final shot. + +[Illustration: THE HOME SECRETARY'S SAFETY-VALVE. TRAFALGAR SQUARE OF +THE FUTURE.] + +This not encouraging, but there were other Amendments standing in his +name of which something must be said. TOMLINSON rose when called on, +but gratefully sat down when greeted with mirthful cries for division. +Only gleam of comfort in sorrowful night was when TOMMY BOWLES, +rushing in whence he had retreated, called down on himself SPEAKER'S +stern commentary that his remarks were "quite irrelevant." + +_Business done._--Report Stage of Employers' Liability Bill. + +_Tuesday._--To casual observer there is nothing in personal appearance +of UGHTRED KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH suggestive of the Tartar. Yet to-night +Sir ELLIS ASHMEAD BART(LETT), going a hunting on the Treasury Bench +preserves, bagged Secretary to Admiralty and found he had caught +a Tartar. ASHMEAD, in his self-asserted character of BRITANNIA'S +Confidential Clerk, tried to draw UGHTRED on subject of Naval Scare. +SHUTTLEWORTH, with manner that combined severity of a magistrate with +benignity of a dean, managed to present ASHMEAD in aspect of +fussy person who, having had some official knowledge, in whatever +subordinate position, ought to have been able to restrain the +self-assertiveness that led him to put such a question. House, which +does not do credit to The BART(LETT)'S many sterling qualities, roared +with delight. Stung to quick, ASHMEAD up again; shouted across table, +"I ask the right hon. gentleman whether he can give me any evidence of +his being alive----" House, struck with evidence to that effect just +given, broke in with fresh roar of laughter. ASHMEAD stood glaring +round at merry circle. When noise subsided, continued: "----any +evidence of his being alive to the importance of his duties?" More +laughter. ASHMEAD appealed to SPEAKER to reprimand KAY-SHUTTLEWORTH. +Speaker justified Minister's action. One more attempt; one more +rebuff; and ASHMEAD subsided for the night, not quite sure after all +that silence isn't golden. At least it used to bring in L1000 a year. + +_Business done._--A good deal with the Employers' Liability Bill. + +_Wednesday._--Another quiet sitting with Employers' Liability Bill. +Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES, respectfully removing his tarpaulin, and shifting +his quid, relieved dullness of afternoon by some capital yarns. One +drew a vivid picture of dangers that lurk behind the casual pilot. On +a dark night in midsummer Cap'en TOMMY, a-sailing down the coast of +Barbaree, came upon what looked like a town. Turned out to be Algiers; +hauled down his main yard; ran out the topgallantsail spanker, and +bore down on the harbour. Just as he was entering was boarded by +pilot. + +"Sheer off!" says TOMMY through his polyglot speaking-trumpet. "Don't +want your help; know every rock and shoal on the coast; will take the +ship in myself." + +Pilot produced from lining at back of his trousers Code of +Regulations; this set forth that pilot was compulsory. Nothing to do +but submit, unless he would involve Great Britain in war. Pilot +came aboard; took charge; forged ahead; just going to run ship on +breakwater when TOMMY'S keen eye perceived danger. + +[Illustration: Tommy Bowles and the Pilot.] + +"Sir," said the only Member of House of Commons who, since BIG BEN'S +death, holds a sea captain's certificate, "I took my ship out of the +pilot's hand, and brought her in safely." + +House uproariously cheered, and FRANK LOCKWOOD went off and drew a +sketch of the historical scene. + +_Business done._--More of Employers' Liability Bill. + +_Thursday._--Government in difficulties to-night. _Cherchez la femme._ +WALTER M'LAREN had her in charge; a modest little thing, merely asking +that women, whether married or single, should be enabled to vote +at election of Parish Councils. House not very full; no danger +anticipated; but Conservatives joined their forces with Radicals below +gangway, and before Ministers quite knew where they were they found +themselves in minority of twenty-one. + +[Illustration: "Winged!"] + +"Winged!" cried Admiral BORTHWICK. "The FOWLER went out shooting, and +comes home shot." + +Suggestion made that Government should resign; Mr. G. only smiled. + +Spiteful little thing RENTOUL said just now. Supporting amendment to +Employers' Liability Bill he remarked "Gentlemen who sit on this side +of the House are in favour of the amendment; gentlemen who sit on the +other side of the House equally approve it; whilst Sir ALBERT ROLLIT, +who sits on every side of the House, does not object to it." + +_Business done._--Employers' Liability Bill reported; Government +defeated; got into Committee on Parish Councils Bill. + +_Friday._--Rather painful scene to-night between SYDNEY BUXTON and +SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. SAGE, ever thirsting for knowledge, wanted +to know much about Matabeleland. Drafted a long string of questions +addressed to Under Secretary for Colonies. + +"Unfounded assumptions," BUXTON, in the pride of office, characterised +these simple interrogatories. The SAGE, insatiable for information, +desires to have the unfounded assumptions particularised. BUXTON +referred Members to the question. + +"But why," asked the SAGE, with tremble and pathos in his voice, "did +you call them unfounded assumptions?" + +Affected by this spectacle of genuine emotion, BUXTON proposed to +substitute for the obnoxious word milder form "unproved." + +"Yes," said the SAGE, sticking to his point; "but you said unfounded." +No use BUXTON attempting to deny this; lapsed into embarrassed +silence; probably will be more careful in future. + +_Business done._--Very little of Parish Councils Bill. + + * * * * * + +A COCKNEY ON A GREAT COLLECTION. + + [We are informed that Prince LUCIEN BONAPARTE'S unique library + of some 25,000 volumes, included "a complete set of _Punch_" + preserved presumably by the Prince for the specimens of + "Cockney dialect which it contains."] + + Jest fancy a Prince BONYPARTY sech nuts upon patter and slang! + Proves a Prince may be fly to wot's wot, and of chat as _is_ chat + 'ave the 'ang. + Lor bless yer, this LUCYUN, _'e_ knowed all the cackles + as ever was chinned. + I'll wager as _'e_ wos aweer as a Billingsgit Pheasant is _finned_! + He'd got SOLOMON'S song in Tyke lingo! A pity 'e didn't know _me_! + I'd ha' run it off into back slang, and ha' done it most willing and + free. + 'Cos a Prince and a Frenchy at that, as appreshiates _Punch_, + _and_ my patter, + Is a precious sight smarter than some "Cockney" criticks, and that's + wot's the matter! + So bully for Prince BONYPARTY! When weighed in 'e's well hup to + scale; + And _if_ them books come to the 'ammer, wy 'ARRY means seeing the + sale! + + * * * * * + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 244: Removed extrraneous 'not'. + +"and do not follow the senseless fashion of dressing ..." + +Page 252: 'embarassed' corrected to 'embarrassed'. + +"... lapsed into embarrassed silence;" + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, +November 25, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV 25, 1893 *** + +***** This file should be named 39504.txt or 39504.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/5/0/39504/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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