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diff --git a/39351.txt b/39351.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9d028bc --- /dev/null +++ b/39351.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1537 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, October +21st 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, October 21st 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: April 2, 2012 [EBook #39351] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, October 21st 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration: THE SHAFTESBURY FOUNTAIN AGAIN. + +SENSATIONAL INCIDENT IN PICCADILLY CIRCUS, AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST.] + + * * * * * + +THE WAR IN SOUTH AMERICA. + +(_From our Correspondent on the Spot._) + + _There or Thereabouts, Saturday._ + +I hope you will not believe all you hear. I am told that the messages +are tampered with, but this I trust to get through the lines without +difficulty. It is being carried by a professional brigand disguised as +a monk. + +First let me disabuse the minds of your readers about the blowing up +of the hospital. It is quite true that the place was sent spinning +into the air. But the patients were put to the minimum of +inconvenience. They were removed from the wards without being called +upon to quit their beds. They went somewhere after returning to the +ground, but where I do not know. Some of the local doctors say that +the change of air (caused by the explosion) may have done them good. +It is not impossible. + +I am glad to be able to contradict the report that the Stock Exchange +and the apple-stall at the corner were both bombarded. This is a +deliberate falsehood. The Stock Exchange, it is true, was razed to the +ground, but the apple-stall escaped uninjured. This is an example of +the reckless fashion in which reports are circulated. + +Then about the burning of the city. It is certainly true that the +place was set alight in two hundred places at once. But the day was +cold, and I think it was only done because the troops wanted to warm +their hands. You must not believe all you hear, and it is unwise to +impute motives before receiving explanations. The people here are +warm-hearted and sympathetic, and the soldiers (as a body) are the +mildest-mannered persons imaginable. + +And the report about the blowing-up of the bridges. Here again there +has been gross exaggeration. The bed of the river, in spite of reports +to the contrary, was left undisturbed. Only the stone-work was sent +spinning, and yet some reporters insist that everything was blown into +smithereens! Reporters really should be more careful. + +And now I must conclude, as my brigand, disguised as a priest, is just +off. + +As a parting request, I would urge upon my stockbrokers to buy. We +are sure to have a rise presently, and I predict this with the +greater confidence as I know that the house in which I am writing is +undermined. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WASTED SWEETNESS. + +A HEARTRENDING STUDY OF SHADOW ON THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAY!] + + * * * * * + +The _P. M. Magazine_ goes in for discussion of Bi-metallism. Sir JOHN +LUBBOCK writes about "The Case for Gold," and Mr. VICARY GIBBS, M.P., +about "The Case for Silver." Considering the relative value of the +metals, the case for gold ought to be out and away the stronger of the +two, impregnable, and burglar-proof, so that it could be advertised +thus: "It's no use having gold unless you have Sir JOHN LUBBOCK'S +'case for gold' to keep it in." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHEMOTH AND THE LION; OR, SPEARS AND QUILLS. + +_A Fable for Pseudo-Philanthropists._ + +_Philanthropist Press-Man._ "OH STOP, STOP, MISTER LION! WAIT A BIT! +PERHAPS THE PRETTY CREATURE MEANS NO HARM!" + +_Leo (curtly)._ "_LOOK AT HIS TEETH!_"] + +[Mr. RIDER HAGGARD (writing to the _Times_) remarks that a +considerable section of the English Press seems to be of opinion that +LOBENGULA is an innocent and worthy savage, on whom a quarrel is +being forced by the Chartered Company for its own mercenary ends. +He suggests that the appearance of an armed Matabele impi in Mayfair +might alter their views.] + + "Behemoth is big and black, and monstrous-mouthed and toothfull, + But to say he is carnivorous were cruelly untruthful!" + So quoth the Querulous Quillman, or Pen-armed Philanthropist, + Whose intellect seems ever in a sentimental mist. + Now Leo, little given to read books on Natural History, + Was watchful of Dame Nature's _facts_. "It seems to me a mystery + My querulous Press Porcupine," observed the wary Lion, + "That what you've set your heart on, you can never keep clear eye + on. + _Look at his teeth!_" "Oh, nonsense!" cried the Querulous + Quillman, quoting + From a book on Big Mammalia, to which he'd been devoting + All his odd moments recently. "Those tusks may look terrific, + But the monster's graminivorous, and pleasant, and pacific. + They're solely meant for cutting grass! Huge uppers and big lowers, + Though threatening as ripping-saws, are harmless as lawn-mowers. + As weapons of offence they're seldom used, so here 'tis stated, + 'Unless the creature's wounded sore, or greatly irritated.' + He is innocent and worthy, this Titanic-jawed Colossus. + Those gleaming tusks won't 'chump' you, he won't trample us, or + toss us, + Unless we interfere with him. He likes to stand there grinning, + With those terrible incisors, in a way which mayn't be winning, + Still, _'tis but his style of smiling_, and it's not his fault, + poor fellow! + If his maw's a crimson cavern, and his tusks are huge and yellow." + + Behemoth meanwhile snorted in his own earthquaky fashion, + And yawned, and lashed and trampled like a tiger in a passion. + By the gleaming of his optics, and the clashing of his tushes, + He _seemed_ to be preparing for the Ugliest of Rushes. + Quoth Leo, "Good friend Porcupine, you _may_ be quite prophetic, + And I a bit 'too previous.' Your picture's most pathetic; + But I've seen your pachydermatous Poor Innocent when furious, + And for a gentle graminivorous creature, it is curious + How he'll run amuck like a Malay, and crunch canoes and foes up, + With those same tusks, which might have made a Mammoth turn his + toes up. + So if you please, friend Porcupine, your quills I shall not trust + again + To meet those spears, which hate would wash--in blood, 'ere they + should rust again. + Mere quills won't quell an Impi, or make Behemoth good-neighbourly. + Leo must guard this spot, where British enterprise and labour lie, + The Monster seems to meditate attack, if _I_ may judge of him, + So let _me_ have the first slap at, whilst you keep on scribbling + fudge of him! + + MORAL. + + It may appear superfluous to point this fable's moral; + But--teeth that could crush chain-mail seem scarce shaped for + mumbling coral! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WEIGHTY PROSPECT. + +_The Captain (who has just been giving a spin to his last purchase, +for his Wife's inspection)._ "GOOD GOER, AIN'T HE? AND A FULL +FOURTEEN-STONE HORSE, YOU KNOW!" + +_Young Wife (as yet somewhat innocent in horsey matters)._ "OH, +I'M SURE HE'S _MORE_ THAN THAT, DEAR. WHY, _MAMMA_ WEIGHS NEARLY AS +MUCH!"] + + + * * * * * + +A LETTER HOME. + +(_From our Youngest Contributor._) + +MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--This is about the last letter you will receive +from me. I know it is, as all will soon be over! And I shall be glad +of it. I can't last out until the Christmas holidays. Who could with +such food? Why, it would make a dog cough! + +It's no use learning anything. Why should I, when it will be all over +almost directly? What's the good of Latin and Greek if you are going +to chuck it almost at once? And mathematics, too! What use are they if +the end is near? It's all very well to cram, but what's the good of it +when you know you won't survive to eat the plum pudding? + +There's no news. There's never any news. SMITH Minor has got his +cap for football, and SNOOKS Major is going up to Oxford instead of +Cambridge. What does it matter when the beef is so tough that you +might sole your boots with it? And as for the mutton! Well, all I can +say is, that it isn't fit for human food, and the authorities should +be told about it. As for me, I am passing away. No one will ever see +me more. For all that, you might send me a hamper. Your affectionate +friend, + + JACKY. + + * * * * * + +STAR-GAZING. + +["Astronomy has become a deservedly fashionable hobby with young +ladies."] + + My love is an astronomer, + Whose knowledge I rely on, + She'll talk about, as I prefer, + The satellites of Jupiter, + The nebulous Orion. + + When evening shades about us fall + Each hour too quickly passes. + We take no heed of time at all, + When studying celestial + Phenomena through glasses. + + The salient features we descry + Of all the starry pattern; + To see with telescopic eye + The citizens of Mars we try, + Or speculate on Saturn. + + To find another planet still + If ever we're enabled, + The world discovered by her skill + As "ANGELINA TOMKYNS" will + Triumphantly be labelled. + + The likeness of the stars elsewhere + By day we view between us, + We recognise the Greater Bear, + I grieve to say, in TOMKYNS _pere_, + And close at hand is Venus! + + In fact, the editorial note + Above, which is of course meant + To lead more ladies to devote + Attention to the stars, I quote + With cordial endorsement! + + * * * * * + +"IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET!"--Which is the right way of spelling the +name of the Prophet of Islam? Is it MOHAMMED? MAHOMET? MUHAMMED? +or MAHOMED? Are his followers Mohammedans? Mahommedans? Mahometans? +Moslems? Mussulmen? or Muslims? Perhaps, to adapt _Mr. Mantalini's_ +famous summary, and merely substituting "all" for "both," and "none +of 'em" for "neither," we may say "So all are right, and none of 'em +wrong, upon our life and soul, O demmit!" + + * * * * * + + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE IX.--CHARLES COLLIMORE'S _Sitting-room at Keppel Street, +Bloomsbury_. TIME--_Saturday afternoon_. + +_Mrs. Cagney_ (_the landlady, showing_ Mr. TOOVEY _in_). Oh, I thought +Mr. COLLIMORE had come in, Sir, but I expect him in every minute. Will +you take a seat? + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_sitting down_). Thank you, I'm in no hurry--no hurry at +all. (_To himself._) CORNELIA wished me to put a few questions quietly +to the landlady. I suppose I'd better do it while----(_Aloud._) Hem, +I hope, Ma'am, that you find Mr. COLLIMORE a--an unexceptionable +lodger--in all respects? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_crossing her hands stiffly in front of her_). Mr. +COLLIMORE conducks hisself as a gentleman, and treats me as a lady, +which is all _my_ requirements. + +_Mr. Toov._ Quite so--very satisfactory, I'm sure, but--does he keep +fairly regular hours? Or is he at all inclined to be--er--fast? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_on her guard_). I can't answer for the time his watch +keeps, myself. I dessay it goes as reg'lar as what most do. + +_Mr. Toov._ No, no; I was referring to his habits. I mean--does he +usually spend his evenings quietly at home? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ You'll excuse _me_, but if you're arsking me all these +questions out of mere himpertinent curiosity---- + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I trust I have a higher motive, Ma'am. In fact, I may +as well tell you I am Mr. COLLIMORE'S uncle. + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_to herself_). The old fox! So he's trying to ferret out +something against him, is he? Well, he _won't_--that's all. (_Aloud._) +If you _are_ his huncle, Sir, all I can say is, you've got a nephew to +be proud on. I wouldn't wish to let my first floor to a steadier or +a more industrious young gentleman; comes in punctual to a tick every +night of his life and 'as his dinner, and sets studyin' his book till +'alf-past ten, which is his bed-time. I don't know what more you want. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). This is really very satisfactory--if I +could only believe it. (_Aloud._) But do I understand you to say that +that is his invariable practice? Occasionally, I suppose, he goes out +to a place of amusement--such as a music-hall, now? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_to herself_). Well, he may; and why not? He don't get +into no mischief, though light-'earted. _I_ ain't going to give him +a bad name. (_Aloud._) Lor, Sir, don't you go and put such ideas into +his 'ed. Bless your 'art alive, if he knows there _are_ such places, +it's as much as he does know! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_testily_). Now, now, my good woman, I'm afraid you're +trying to deceive me. I happen to know more about my nephew's tastes +and pursuits than you imagine. + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_roused_). Then, if you know so much, whatever do you +come 'ere and ask _me_ for? It's my belief you ain't up to no good, +for all you look so respectable, comin' into my 'ouse a-pokin' +your nose into what don't concern you, for all the world like a +poll-pryin', sneakin' Russian spy! + +_Charles_ (_entering behind her_). Hallo, Mrs. CAGNEY, what's +all this--who's a Russian spy, eh? (_Recognising_ MR. TOOVEY.) +What--Uncle! you don't mean to say it's _you_? + + [Mr. TOOVEY _stands stricken with confusion_. + +_Mrs. Cagn._ I may have spoke too free, Mr. COLLIMORE, Sir, but when +a party, as is elderly enough to know better, tries to put under'and +questions to me about where and 'ow any o' my gentlemen pass their +hevenins, and if they go to the music-'all and what not--why, I put it +to you---- + +_Charles._ All right, Mrs. CAGNEY, put it to me some other time; you +didn't understand my uncle, that's all--you needn't stay. Oh, by +the way, I'm dining out again this evening. Tell CAGNEY to leave the +chain, as I may be late. (_After_ Mrs. C. _has retired_.) Well, Uncle, +I'm afraid your diplomacy hasn't had quite the success it deserved. + +[Illustration: "Mr. Collimore conducks hisself as a gentleman, and +treats me as a lady."] + +_Mr. Toov._ (_sheepishly_). I assure you, my boy, that I--I was not +inquiring for my own satisfaction. Your Aunt is naturally anxious to +know how you---- But your landlady gave you an excellent character. + +_Charles._ She didn't seem to be equally complimentary to _you_, +Uncle. "A Russian spy," wasn't it? But really, you know, you might +have come to me for any information you require. _I_ don't mind +telling you all there is to tell. And surely Aunt knows I've been to a +music-hall; why, she pitched into me about it enough last Sunday! + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I think she wanted to know whether you went frequently, +CHARLES, or only that once. + +_Charles._ Oh, and so she sent you up to pump my landlady? Well, I'll +tell you exactly how it is. I don't set up to be a model young man +like your friend CURPHEW. I don't spend all my evenings in this +cheerful and luxurious apartment. Now and then I find the splendour of +the surroundings rather too much for me, and I'm ready to go anywhere, +even to a music-hall, for a change. There, I blush to say, I spend an +hour or two, smoking cigars, and even drinking a whisky and soda, or +a lemon squash, listening to middle-aged ladies in sun-bonnets and +accordion skirts singing out of tune. I don't know that they amuse +me much, but, at all events, they're livelier than Mrs. CAGNEY. I'm +dining out to-night, at the Criterion, with a man at the office, and +it's as likely as not we shall go in to the Valhalla or the Eldorado +afterwards. There, you can't say I'm concealing anything from you. And +I don't see why you should groan like that, Uncle. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_feebly_). I--I'd rather you didn't go to the--the +Eldorado, CHARLES. + +_Charles._ There's ingratitude! I thought you'd be touched by my +devotion. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). I _can't_ tell him I was thinking of going +there myself! (_Aloud._) You will show your devotion best by keeping +away. The less young men go to such places, my boy, the better! + +_Charles._ Not for _you_, Uncle. You forget that it's the humble five +bob of fellows like me that help to provide your next dividend. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_wincing_). Don't, CHARLES, it--it's ungenerous and +undutiful to reproach me with being a shareholder when you know how +innocently I became one! + +_Charles._ But I _wasn't_ reproaching you, Uncle, it was rather +the other way round, wasn't it? And really, considering you _are_ a +shareholder in the Eldorado, it's a little too strong to condemn me +for merely going there. + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I may not be a shareholder long, CHARLES. Unless I can +conscientiously feel able to retain my shares I shall take the first +opportunity of selling them. + +_Charles._ But why, Uncle? Better stick to them now you have got them! + +_Mr. Toov._ What? with the knowledge that I was profiting by practices +I disapproved of? Never, CHARLES! + +_Charles._ But you can't _sell_ without making a profit, you know; +they've gone up tremendously. + +_Mr. Toov._ Oh, dear me! Then, do you mean that I shouldn't even +be morally justified in selling them? Oh, you don't think _that_, +CHARLES? + +_Charles._ That's a point you must settle for yourself, Uncle, it's +beyond me. But, as a dutiful nephew, don't you see, I'm bound to do +all I can in the meantime to keep up the receipts for you, if I have +to go to the Eldorado every evening and get all the fellows I know to +go too. Mustn't let those shares go down, whether you hold on or sell, +eh? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_horrified_). Don't make me an excuse for encouraging +young men to waste precious time in idleness and folly. I won't allow +it--it's abominable, Sir! You've put me in such a state of perplexity +by all this, CHARLES, I--I hardly know where I am! Tell me, are you +really going to the Eldorado this evening? + +_Charles._ I can't say; it depends on the other fellow. But I will if +I can get him to go, for your sake. And I'm afraid I ought to go and +change, Uncle, if you'll excuse me. Make yourself as comfortable as +you can. Here's to-day's _Pink 'Un_, if you haven't seen it. + +_Mr. Toov._ I'm not in the habit of seeing such periodicals, Sir. And +I must be going. Oh, by the bye, your Aunt wished me to ask you to +come down and dine and sleep on Monday next. THEA will be back, and I +believe Mr. CURPHEW has got a free evening for once. Shall I tell her +you will come, CHARLES? + +_Charles._ Thanks; I'll come with pleasure. But, I say, Aunt doesn't +want to give me another lecture, I hope? After all, she can't say much +if you've told her about those shares, as I suppose you have. + +_Mr. Toov._ N--not yet, CHARLES. I have not found a convenient +opportunity. There, I can't stay--good-bye, my boy. + + [_He takes his leave._ + +END OF SCENE IX. + + +SCENE X.--_In the Street._ + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_to himself_). I'm afraid CHARLES has lost every +particle of respect for me. I wish I had never told him about those +wretched shares. And what _am_ I to do now? If I go to this Eldorado +place, he may be there too; and, if he sees me, I shall never hear the +last of it! And yet my mind will never be easy unless I do go and see +for myself what it really is like. That young CURPHEW expects me to +go. But I don't know, I do so dread the idea of going--alone, too! +I should like to ask somebody else what he thinks I ought to +do--somebody who is a man of the world. I wonder if I went to see +LARKINS--he won't be in his office so late as this, but I might +catch him in his chambers. It was all through him I got into this +difficulty; he ought to help me out of it if he can. I really think I +might take a cab and drive to Piccadilly, on the chance. + + [_He hails a Hansom, and drives off._ + +END OF SCENE X. + + * * * * * + +CARR-ACTORS AT "THE COMEDY." + +When we have two original plays like PINERO'S _Second Mrs. Tanqueray_ +and GRUNDY'S _Sowing the Wind_, we may congratulate ourselves that +they do _not_ "do these things better in France." _Mrs. Tanqueray_ is +a life-like tragedy, and _Sowing the Wind_ a life-like comedy. It was +a pleasure to congratulate Mr. ALEXANDER at the St. James's on his +choice of a piece, and of the company to suit it, especially on the +engagement of Mrs. PATRICK CAMPBELL for the heroine; and now it is +equally pleasant to congratulate a _confrere_ in literature, Mr. +COMYNS CARR, on having made so eminently successful a _debut_ in +theatrical management, as he has done in choice of the piece and of +the company to play it. + +[Illustration: A Portrait from M-Emery. Emery Powder and polish'd +performance.] + +It is a canon of comedy-construction that from the first, the audience +should be let into the secret of the _denouement_, but that they +should be puzzled as to the means by which that end is to be achieved. +This play is an excellent example of the rule. Everybody knows who the +heroine is from the moment of her appearance; but as to how she, the +illegitimate daughter, is to be recognised and acknowledged by her +father, this is the problem that no one except the dramatist, in +the course of four acts, can solve. It is a very clever piece of +workmanship. In these modern matter-of-fact realistic days, fancy +the awful danger to any play in which a father has to discover his +long-lost child! The strawberry mark on the left arm, the amulet, +the duplicate miniature of the mother--these ways and means, and many +others, must occur to the playgoer, and must have presented themselves +at the outset to the author, flattering himself on his originality, as +difficulties almost insuperable because so stagey, so worn threadbare, +so out of date. + +Over these difficulties Mr. GRUNDY has triumphed, and with him triumph +the actors and the stage-manager; as, for the most part, except when +there is a needless conventional "taking the centre" for supposed +effect, the stage management is as admirable as the acting and the +dialogue, which is saying a great deal, but not a bit too much. + +[Illustration: BRANDON AND MONKEY BRAND-ON. + +_Mr. Brandon Thomas Brabazon_ (_to Cyril Maude Watkin_). "I know that +face. I've seen it on the hoardings." + +_Watkin_ (_faintly_). "It won't wash!" + + [_Collapses._ + +] + +Mr. BRANDON THOMAS and Miss EMERY have never done anything better. The +former with his peculiar north-country "burr," and with his collars +and general make up reminding many of the G. O. M., whilst Mr. IAN +ROBERTSON as the wicked old Lord is not unlike the pictures of the +Iron Duke when Lord DOURO. Mr. EDMUND MAURICE, as representing the +slangy, sporting, about-town Baronet of the Tom-and-Jerry day, is +a kind of _Goldfinch_ in _The Road to Ruin_, with a similar kind of +catchword, which I suppose, on Mr. GRUNDY'S authority [though I do not +remember the expression nor the use of the word "chuck" in _Tom and +Jerry_--the authority for Georgian era slang] was one of the slang +phrases of that period. For my part (a very small part), I am inclined +to credit Mr. GRUNDY with the invention of "smash my topper," and of +the introduction of "chuck it" into eighteenth century London slang. + +Admirable are the quaint sketches of character given by Miss ROSE +LECLERCQ and Miss ANNIE HUGHES. Manly and lover-like is Mr. SYDNEY +BROUGH. In the dramatic unfolding of the plot, faultlessly acted as +it is, the audience from first to last are thoroughly interested. +Here and there, speeches and scenes would be all the better for some +judicious excision. When you are convinced, further argument weakens +the case, and I confess I should like to hear that ten minutes' worth +of dialogue had been taken out of the parts played by Mr. BRANDON +THOMAS and Miss WINIFRED EMERY. But this is a small matter--a very +small matter. To sum up, it is good work and good play, and so the new +manager and lessee is at this present moment a Triumphal CARR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Portrait of the Great Duke of Wellington, when Marquis +of Douro, by Mr. Ian Robertson.] + + * * * * * + +_Q._ Why was there at one time a chance of the _Times_, which has +always been up to date, ever being behind time?--_A._ Because formerly +there was so much _Delayin!!_ + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR LADIES WHO "GRUB SHORT" TO AVOID OBESITY.--Grace before +Meat! + + * * * * * + +Nulli Secundus. + +(_By a Lover of the Links._) + + Lyttleton asks--great cricketer, for shame!-- + If Golf--Great Scot!!!--is quite "a first-class game." + Well, if first-class it cannot quite be reckoned, + 'Tis that it stands alone, and hath no second! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROTEST. + +"AND PRAY, AM I _NEVER_ TO BE NAUGHTY, MISS GRIMM?"] + + * * * * * + +"L'UNION FAIT LA--FARCE!" + + ["France turns from her abandoned friends afresh And soothes + the Bear that prowls for patriot flesh." + + --CAMPBELL.] + + Yes, history here doth repeat itself verily! + Fancy fair France, in Republican rig, + "Soothing the Bear" again; footing it merrily + In--well now, what _is_ the name of this jig? + _Cancan_, or _Carmagnole_? Blend of the two? + Anyhow, 'tis a most strange "_Pas de Deux_"! + + Policy makes pride and principles plastic, + And 'tis most true that extremes often meet; + Yet as a sample of joint "Light Fantastic" + _This_ dual dance must be baddish to beat. + Beauty and Beast _vis-a-vis_ in the dance, + Were scarce funnier partners than Russia and France. + + Autocrat Bruin, can he really relish + The larkish high-kick, the tempestuous twirl, + That risky Republican dances embellish? + And she--a political "Wallflower," poor girl!-- + Can she truly like the strange partner that fate + Apportions her, lumpish, unlovely, and late? + + Like 'Arry and 'Arriet out for a frolic, + They've interchanged head-gear, by curious hap! + Of what is this strange substitution symbolic? + The Autocrat crown and the Phrygian cap + They've "swopped," but they both most uneasily sit, + And each for the other appears a poor fit. + + That Liberty cap upon Bruin's brown noddle! + That crown--much awry--on the Beauty's fair head! + Absurd! And the Bear's heavy lumbering waddle + Sorts oddly enough with the lady's light tread. + He won't get _her_ step! Will she try to catch _his_? + As soon shall small beer take the sparkle of fizz. + + Is she "soothing the Bear"--with a show of lip-honey? + Is he flattering the Bee--with an eye on the hive? + Sting hidden, claws sheathed--for how long? Well, 'tis funny, + This queer little game, whilst they keep it alive! + Dance-partnership is not "for better for worse," + And "union of hearts" sometimes smacks of--the purse. + + "Twos and Threes" is a game to the playground familiar! + "Two's Company!" Yes, so, in this case, are Three! + Alliances frequently made willy-nilly are + Dual _or_ Triple. The Eagles we see + Foregather; so may they not meet--in the dance-- + The Big Northern Beast and the Beauty of France? + + * * * * * + +ANGELS. + + I wonder if you give your mind + At all to angels. "Which?" you say? + Why, angels of the hymn-book kind, + Not imitation ones in clay. + + I often do. They fascinate + My fancy to a strange degree; + And meditating much of late + There came two serious points to me. + + You notice in the Holy Writ + Angels are never feminine; + But, wheresoever they may flit, + _He_ came, _he_ spake, _he_ gave the sign. + + The men who wrote of them were sage, + And knew their subject out and out; + But _we_ live in a wicked age, + That twists the angels' sex about. + + And painters paint them girls. And then + The question sets one's brains afire-- + Why choristers on earth are men, + If women form the heavenly choir? + + And if they _do_ paint here or there + A man among the cherubim, + I claim to know why not a hair + May grow upon the face of him? + + I know the Roman Church decreed + "A priest shall wear a shaven face." + But what of angels? There indeed + Razor and strop seem out of place. + + Then why this hairless cheek and chin? + I ask, and Echo answers Why? + Have angel-cheeks no roots within? + --Here comes my keeper. So, good-bye! + + * * * * * + +RECKLESS.--"Mr. ALLEN, Senator of Albraska, a prominent silverite, +spoke for fifteen hours." "Speech is silver. Silence golden." If all +silverites go on at this length, there'll be no silence, _ergo_, no +gold. Q. E. D. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "L'UNION FAIT LA-FARCE!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUT FOR AN OTTER-DAY!"] + + * * * * * + +MY PRETTY JANE AT A LATER SEASON. + +(_Respectfully submitted for the consideration of Mr. Sims Reeves._) + + My pretty Jane, my pretty Jane, + You still, you still are looking shy! + You never met me in the evening + When the bloom was on the rye. + The year is waning fast, my love; + The leaves are in the sere; + The fog-horns now are humming, love; + And the moonshine's "moonshine," dear. + But, pretty Jane, my dearest Jane, + I never will "say die";-- + Come, meet me, meet me in our parlour, + Where the bloom is on the fly. + + Just name your day, that mother may + Produce her best in china things, + And stop yon man in apron white, + Whose muffin-bell, whose muffin-bell now rings. + The year is waning fast, &c. + + * * * * * + +"A TRIPLE BILL."--"The Home Rule Bill," said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN to his +American friends, "is not scotched. It is killed." Of course our JOE +knows that were it "scotched" it would be only "half kilt." But the +idea of an Irish Bill being Scotched! Our only JOE might have added +that it was "Welsh'd" in the Lords. + + * * * * * + +PH[OE]BUS, WHAT A NAME!--Sir COMER PETHERAM, Chief Justice of Bengal, +is coming home. Welcome, Sir HOME-COMER PETHERAM. Or, why not Sir +HOMER PETHERAM for short? + + * * * * * + +TO A YOUNG COUNTRY FRIEND, AGED SEVEN. + +(_Who whistled of Monte Carlo not wisely, but too well._) + + Sweet youth! I wonder if you'll feel much pain + To know that that sweet soul-inspiring strain + You whistle at so wonderful a rate + Is now in point of fact quite out of date. + Down in the country pr'aps you hardly know + At what a pace these street-songs come and go. + At present you're a day behind the fair, + And want (as I myself) a change of air. + You should protest you're being driven crazy + By waiting for the answer of fair DAISY; + Or else ask sadly what was she to do + Who, "silly girl," got taken on to Crewe. + Whistle _that_ charming ditty, if you must, + Until, (forgive the phrase) until you bust, + But do _not_ whistle, if you wish to rank + As in the know, "_The Man who broke the Bank_." + + * * * * * + +UPON JULIA'S MOTHER. + +(_To depart presently._) + + Julia, I deemed that I had wed + Not thine, but only thee; + A child I wept my mother sped, + Thou'st given thine to me. + + She came as wandering sea-birds come + To rest upon a spar + Of ships that trail the lights of home + Where homeless billows are. + + From Aix-les-Bains to Harrogate, + From Bath to Tunbridge Wells, + She's sojourned in Imperial state, + Yet here content she dwells. + + Content--and yet no truce with truth + Such Roman mothers know; + Quick to detect the faults of youth, + And prompt to tell us so. + + I knew not I possess'd the charms + Her wandering will to bind, + To keep me from my JULIA'S arms, + And mould the baby's mind. + + When first I held thee to my breast + I little dreamt the day + Another bird would share the nest + As there content to stay. + + Thy kindred, dear, I wooed not them, + Such wealth I'd fain resign; + Since I have won the brightest gem + I covet not the mine. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. R. says that when she thinks the drains are likely to be +offensive she invariably uses "bucolic." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CRISIS IN CONJUGAL LIFE. + +_Fond Husband._ "LOOK HERE, ETHEL, I SEE YOU DAILY GETTING THINNER AND +PALER; YOU CANNOT EAT, YOU CANNOT SLEEP, WHILE I FIND LIFE A BURDEN TO +ME. I CAN BEAR IT NO LONGER! LET US MAKE A BARGAIN. IF YOU PROMISE NOT +TO GIVE ME A CHRISTMAS PRESENT, I'LL PROMISE NOT TO GIVE _YOU_ ONE. +THERE!"] + + * * * * * + +FAREWELL! + +(_On hearing that snow had fallen in the North._) + + Snow has fallen, winter's due; + In the months that now ensue + Smoky fogs will hide the view, + Mud will get as thick as glue, + Rain, snow, hail will come in lieu + Of the warmth to which we grew + Quite accustomed, and will brew + Colds, coughs, influenza, rheumatism + to thrill us through. + Gone the sky of southern hue, + Cloudless space of cobalt blue! + Gone the nights so sultry--phew! + Quite without rheumatic dew. + Gone the days, when each anew + Seemed yet finer! In Corfu, + California, Peru, + This would not be strange, but true; + But the weatherwise at Kew + Say in England it is new. + Peerless summer, in these few + Lines we bid farewell to you! + Or as cockneys say, "Aydew!" + + * * * * * + +A "SHAKSPEARIAN STUDENT" wants to know "if, when _Richard the Third_ +calls out 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!' he is not +alluding to the Night-Mare from which he is only just recovering." +[Can't say. Highly probable. So like SHAKSPEARE.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +Dear MR. P.,--I believe you do not know that Mrs. R. recently visited +Rome. She tells me that she thinks it an excellent thing that the +Tontine Marshes have been planted with Apocalypses. + + * * * * * + +THE CITY HORSE. + +(_A Legend of the "Coming Ninth."_) + +"You _must_ let me have him on the day I have specified," said the +military-looking man, with an air of determination. + +"And you order this, Sir, after learning his history?" replied the +well-educated cabman. "You know that he has been in a circus?" + +"I do; it is one of his greatest qualifications. A circus, I think you +said, where there was a brass band?" + +"Not only a brass band, but a very brassy band indeed; a brass band +all drum, trombone, and cymbal! A brass band that could be heard for +miles!" + +"And he bore it well?" asked the ex-soldier. "He did not mind the +noise?" + +"Not he," was the reply. "Why should he mind it? For remember he was +accustomed to insults from the clown. When a horse regards insults +from the clown with equanimity, you may be sure he will object to +nothing." + +"And what were the nature of these insults?" queried the veteran +warrior, with renewed interest. "Did the clown push him about? Did he +tell him to gee-up?" + +"Why, certainly. Had he been an unruly crowd at Blackheath on a Bank +Holiday, the clown could not have behaved worse. And _Rufus_, poor +beast! bore it all--six nights a week, with a _matinee_ thrown in on a +Saturday--without complaining." + +"And you do not think he would mind being called 'cat's-meat?' Not +even by a rude boy?" + +"Bless you, Sir, it is what I often call him myself. _Rufus_ is his +name, but cat's-meat is his nature. But don't you want him for more +than a day? Won't you buy him?" + +"No," returned the veteran soldier, sternly. "I only require him for +the Ninth." + +"He is getting too old for cabwork," argued the well-read driver. "He +would make a splendid charger for the adjutant of a Yeomanry corps, +and out of training might be put in the harness of a bathing-machine. +No, pray don't interrupt me, Sir. You are going to urge that he would +be useless in the winter. But no, Sir, you are wrong. He might take +round coal (in small quantities), when the nights draw in. Can I not +tempt you, Sir? You shall have him a bargain. Shall we say a penny a +pound?" + +"I have already told you," replied the warrior, "that I have need of +him only on the 9th. You understand, the 9th of next month." + +The well-read cab-driver nodded, and the two men parted. It was a +bargain. _Rufus_ (_alias_ "Cat's-meat") was to be ready for hire on +the 9th of November. + +"What does he want to do with the brute?" the well-read cabman asked +himself again and again. "Surely he cannot mean to ride it? And yet he +desired to learn if _Rufus_ were up to his weight; and when I answered +Yes, his eyes brightened, and he regarded the animal with renewed +interest." + +And all through the day the mystery puzzled him. He could not solve +the problem, try as he would. Suddenly, as he was discussing a cup of +tea in a shelter, a ray of light flooded his perplexed mind. + +"Eureka!" he exclaimed; "the warrior must have been the City Marshal; +and he wanted _Rufus_ ('Cat's-meat'), of course, for the Lord Mayor's +Show!" And perhaps the cabman had guessed rightly. Only the future can +tell. + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION FOR SCOTCHMEN.--The Duke of ATHOLE announces that he is in +future to be described as the Duke of ATHOLL. Why has he changed his +name? Because he canna thole it. + + A Duke cannot add to his stature a cubit, + Like the frog in the fable in vain he may swell; + And in vain does he alter his name with a new bit, + Its length is the same, though he tacks on an "l." + + * * * * * + +M. ZOLA is a Son of France. Around him are many literary planets and +stars, and imitators, shining with reflected light--the French Zolar +System. This is the Theory of _Mr. Punch_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS. A GOLF MEETING.] + + * * * * * + +A "FANTASTIC" ACTION. + +["A young lady of Newark while dancing a few nights ago fell and broke +her leg, and she has now commenced an action for damages against her +partner, to whom she attributes the cause of the accident."--_Daily +Telegraph._] + + "Oh, bother!" girls will sigh; "a fresh excuse + For men not fond of dancing to forsake us! + We fancy we can hear them say 'the deuce! + We can't dance _now_; to drop a girl might break us!' + + Now e'en 'the better sort,' who used to beg + To see our cards, will--or our wits deceive us-- + Reflect that they may break a partner's leg, + And, choose, alas, to 'make a leg,' and leave us." + + * * * * * + +DRAMA COLLEGE. + +ESTABLISHMENT FOR YOUNG LADIES, AND PREPARATORY SCHOOL FOR LITTLE BOYS, + +_Conducted by_ + +THE MISSES MELPOMENE AND THALIA. + +The Curriculum includes thorough grounding in Knowledge of Life, and +in High-class Virtue and Honesty. The Pupils are carefully restrained +from the practice of "unlovely middle-class virtue." Severe morality +constantly inculcated. Mere amusement strictly excluded. Aristocratic +Deportment and Etiquette taught by experienced Assistants. + +For further particulars apply to Mr. ENRY HAUTHUR JONES. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PRICELESS POSSESSION. + +_Mrs. Golightly._ "OH, I HOPE YOU WON'T THINK IT RUDE, BUT WOULD YOU +MIND TELLING ME WHAT THAT WONDERFUL BLACK STONE YOU'RE WEARING IS?" + +_Mrs. Luxor._ "OH, CERTAINLY. I FIND MOST PEOPLE ENVY ME THAT. IT'S A +PIECE OF REAL ENGLISH COAL!" + +_Mrs. Golightly._ "HOW WONDERFUL! AH, I WISH _MY_ HUSBAND WAS A +MILLIONAIRE!"] + + * * * * * + +AWFUL RESULT OF THE COAL FAMINE. + +(_Upon an Ordinarily Innocent and Non-punning Fire-worshipper_). + + Oh! _what_ a period! Strikes might puzzle SOLON! + I love, in winter--having shut up shop-- + My snug back-parlour fire to _semi-colon_, + Now there's no _colon_, fuel's at a _full-stop!_ + I have burned coke, wood, turf, aye, even slate, + But to _no_ fire myself cannot a-comma-date! + + * * * * * + +"PRACTICAL JOHN."--Mr. HOLLINGSHEAD'S advertisement, headed "Plain +Words to the Public," is eminently characteristic of the author. Says +he, "The prices I start with I shall stand or fall by." Certainly, +as the prices are moderate, the public will stand them, so he needn't +trouble himself on that score. If he be riding for a fall, and if the +public won't come down heavily, let us hope, if he fall at all, he +will come down lightly. Then he adds, in his own independent way, +"If it is thought necessary to tamper with these prices in an upward +direction" ["tampering upward" is pretty], "I shall give up this, +my final effort in theatrical management" [Oh, no, don't!--please +don't!!], "and walk out of the building." Why "walk"? By his own free +admission he will be driven out (which sounds like a contradiction in +terms), so why make a virtue of walking out. Never walk when you can +ride. But J. H. walk out!! "_J. H. y suis et J. H. y reste._" + + * * * * * + +THE BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL WORKING-MAN. + +(_As described by Sir E. Arnold at Birmingham._) + + A wonderful joy our eyes to bless, + In his magnificent happiness, + Is the working-man of whom I sing, + Who fares more royally than a king. + Seeing his "board" Sir EDWIN'S floored-- + _Hors d'[oe]uvres_, soup, fish, _entree_, joint, game, ices. + _Ab ovo_ nothing has been ignored + _Usque ad malum_, not minding prices. + AUGUSTUS might have hurt his sight + Reading with only a lamp or taper; + The working-man's electric light + Glows on immaculate daily paper. + Go search in MOMMSEN'S history, + Then come you home and sing with me-- + No life of emperor could, or can, + Be bright as that of the working-man! + + "Machinery turns his toil to art." + BURNE-JONES and MORRIS at this would start. + Though the "Arts and Crafts" be with horror dumb, + A Birmingham Parthenon yet may come! + The School Board's pains mature his brains, + Masses beat classes--he'll soon annul us. + Never went--as he goes--in trains + HELIOGABALUS or LUCULLUS. + He, should he care, can daily stare + At statues draped by dear Mrs. GRUNDY, + And ride in trams for a halfpenny fare, + And "wire" for sixpence, except on Sunday. + + His letters traverse the ocean wave. + _Note._--If a penny you fail to save, + To HENNIKER-HEATON please apply, + And he will discover the reason why. + Rich in the things contentment brings, + In every pure enjoyment wealthy, + But is he as gay as the poet sings, + In body and mind as hale and healthy? + In silence adept, he has certainly kept + So extremely quiet we should not know it. + Yet he "as authorities mayn't accept" + Such blooming blokes as an Eastern poet. + + * * * * * + +OH WHAT A SIR PRYCE!--Sir PRYCE PRYCE-JONES, M.P. for the Montgomery +Boroughs, has received a testimonial from his constituents. That is +to say, because he has been a nice-PRYCE-JONES they have made him a +prize-PRYCE-JONES. Bravo, Sir TWICE-PRYCE-JONES! + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION TO PROVINCIAL LAWN-TENNIS CLUB.--Why not give Lawn-Tennis +Balls in Costume during the winter? + + * * * * * + +QUOTH DUNRAVEN, NEVERMORE! + + There's many a slip 'twixt "cup" and lip! + Is there not, good DUNRAVEN? + You'll take your Transatlantic trip + Like sportsman, not like craven. + The "centre-board" against the keel + Has won. On woe we sup, Sir! + As in old nursery rhyme we feel + "The 'dish' ran away with the--cup," Sir! + The Valkyries, those valiant dames, + Success might sure have wished us; + But the _Vigilant_, our yacht-builders shames. + The "Yankee Dish" has--dished us! + + * * * * * + +TO "HANS BREITMANN." + +[Mr. C. G. LELAND, in his recently-published _Memoirs_, informs us of +his very early appreciation of the formula, "I am I--I am myself--I +myself I."] + + You, from mirth to logic turning, + Doubly proved yourself the right man, + By your wondrous breadth of learning, + For the title of "der Breitmann." + Yes, the lore and fun within you + Show us yearly greater reasons + Why we wish you to continue + _Quite yourself_ for farther seasons. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 192: Extra 'have' removed. + +"AUGUSTUS might have (have) hurt his sight". + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, +October 21st 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39351.txt or 39351.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/5/39351/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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