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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/39351-8.txt b/39351-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1d70176 --- /dev/null +++ b/39351-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1537 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, October +21st 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, October 21st 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: April 2, 2012 [EBook #39351] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, October 21st 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration: THE SHAFTESBURY FOUNTAIN AGAIN. + +SENSATIONAL INCIDENT IN PICCADILLY CIRCUS, AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST.] + + * * * * * + +THE WAR IN SOUTH AMERICA. + +(_From our Correspondent on the Spot._) + + _There or Thereabouts, Saturday._ + +I hope you will not believe all you hear. I am told that the messages +are tampered with, but this I trust to get through the lines without +difficulty. It is being carried by a professional brigand disguised as +a monk. + +First let me disabuse the minds of your readers about the blowing up +of the hospital. It is quite true that the place was sent spinning +into the air. But the patients were put to the minimum of +inconvenience. They were removed from the wards without being called +upon to quit their beds. They went somewhere after returning to the +ground, but where I do not know. Some of the local doctors say that +the change of air (caused by the explosion) may have done them good. +It is not impossible. + +I am glad to be able to contradict the report that the Stock Exchange +and the apple-stall at the corner were both bombarded. This is a +deliberate falsehood. The Stock Exchange, it is true, was razed to the +ground, but the apple-stall escaped uninjured. This is an example of +the reckless fashion in which reports are circulated. + +Then about the burning of the city. It is certainly true that the +place was set alight in two hundred places at once. But the day was +cold, and I think it was only done because the troops wanted to warm +their hands. You must not believe all you hear, and it is unwise to +impute motives before receiving explanations. The people here are +warm-hearted and sympathetic, and the soldiers (as a body) are the +mildest-mannered persons imaginable. + +And the report about the blowing-up of the bridges. Here again there +has been gross exaggeration. The bed of the river, in spite of reports +to the contrary, was left undisturbed. Only the stone-work was sent +spinning, and yet some reporters insist that everything was blown into +smithereens! Reporters really should be more careful. + +And now I must conclude, as my brigand, disguised as a priest, is just +off. + +As a parting request, I would urge upon my stockbrokers to buy. We +are sure to have a rise presently, and I predict this with the +greater confidence as I know that the house in which I am writing is +undermined. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WASTED SWEETNESS. + +A HEARTRENDING STUDY OF SHADOW ON THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAY!] + + * * * * * + +The _P. M. Magazine_ goes in for discussion of Bi-metallism. Sir JOHN +LUBBOCK writes about "The Case for Gold," and Mr. VICARY GIBBS, M.P., +about "The Case for Silver." Considering the relative value of the +metals, the case for gold ought to be out and away the stronger of the +two, impregnable, and burglar-proof, so that it could be advertised +thus: "It's no use having gold unless you have Sir JOHN LUBBOCK'S +'case for gold' to keep it in." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHEMOTH AND THE LION; OR, SPEARS AND QUILLS. + +_A Fable for Pseudo-Philanthropists._ + +_Philanthropist Press-Man._ "OH STOP, STOP, MISTER LION! WAIT A BIT! +PERHAPS THE PRETTY CREATURE MEANS NO HARM!" + +_Leo (curtly)._ "_LOOK AT HIS TEETH!_"] + +[Mr. RIDER HAGGARD (writing to the _Times_) remarks that a +considerable section of the English Press seems to be of opinion that +LOBENGULA is an innocent and worthy savage, on whom a quarrel is +being forced by the Chartered Company for its own mercenary ends. +He suggests that the appearance of an armed Matabele impi in Mayfair +might alter their views.] + + "Behemoth is big and black, and monstrous-mouthed and toothfull, + But to say he is carnivorous were cruelly untruthful!" + So quoth the Querulous Quillman, or Pen-armed Philanthropist, + Whose intellect seems ever in a sentimental mist. + Now Leo, little given to read books on Natural History, + Was watchful of Dame Nature's _facts_. "It seems to me a mystery + My querulous Press Porcupine," observed the wary Lion, + "That what you've set your heart on, you can never keep clear eye + on. + _Look at his teeth!_" "Oh, nonsense!" cried the Querulous + Quillman, quoting + From a book on Big Mammalia, to which he'd been devoting + All his odd moments recently. "Those tusks may look terrific, + But the monster's graminivorous, and pleasant, and pacific. + They're solely meant for cutting grass! Huge uppers and big lowers, + Though threatening as ripping-saws, are harmless as lawn-mowers. + As weapons of offence they're seldom used, so here 'tis stated, + 'Unless the creature's wounded sore, or greatly irritated.' + He is innocent and worthy, this Titanic-jawed Colossus. + Those gleaming tusks won't 'chump' you, he won't trample us, or + toss us, + Unless we interfere with him. He likes to stand there grinning, + With those terrible incisors, in a way which mayn't be winning, + Still, _'tis but his style of smiling_, and it's not his fault, + poor fellow! + If his maw's a crimson cavern, and his tusks are huge and yellow." + + Behemoth meanwhile snorted in his own earthquaky fashion, + And yawned, and lashed and trampled like a tiger in a passion. + By the gleaming of his optics, and the clashing of his tushes, + He _seemed_ to be preparing for the Ugliest of Rushes. + Quoth Leo, "Good friend Porcupine, you _may_ be quite prophetic, + And I a bit 'too previous.' Your picture's most pathetic; + But I've seen your pachydermatous Poor Innocent when furious, + And for a gentle graminivorous creature, it is curious + How he'll run amuck like a Malay, and crunch canoes and foes up, + With those same tusks, which might have made a Mammoth turn his + toes up. + So if you please, friend Porcupine, your quills I shall not trust + again + To meet those spears, which hate would wash--in blood, 'ere they + should rust again. + Mere quills won't quell an Impi, or make Behemoth good-neighbourly. + Leo must guard this spot, where British enterprise and labour lie, + The Monster seems to meditate attack, if _I_ may judge of him, + So let _me_ have the first slap at, whilst you keep on scribbling + fudge of him! + + MORAL. + + It may appear superfluous to point this fable's moral; + But--teeth that could crush chain-mail seem scarce shaped for + mumbling coral! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WEIGHTY PROSPECT. + +_The Captain (who has just been giving a spin to his last purchase, +for his Wife's inspection)._ "GOOD GOER, AIN'T HE? AND A FULL +FOURTEEN-STONE HORSE, YOU KNOW!" + +_Young Wife (as yet somewhat innocent in horsey matters)._ "OH, +I'M SURE HE'S _MORE_ THAN THAT, DEAR. WHY, _MAMMA_ WEIGHS NEARLY AS +MUCH!"] + + + * * * * * + +A LETTER HOME. + +(_From our Youngest Contributor._) + +MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--This is about the last letter you will receive +from me. I know it is, as all will soon be over! And I shall be glad +of it. I can't last out until the Christmas holidays. Who could with +such food? Why, it would make a dog cough! + +It's no use learning anything. Why should I, when it will be all over +almost directly? What's the good of Latin and Greek if you are going +to chuck it almost at once? And mathematics, too! What use are they if +the end is near? It's all very well to cram, but what's the good of it +when you know you won't survive to eat the plum pudding? + +There's no news. There's never any news. SMITH Minor has got his +cap for football, and SNOOKS Major is going up to Oxford instead of +Cambridge. What does it matter when the beef is so tough that you +might sole your boots with it? And as for the mutton! Well, all I can +say is, that it isn't fit for human food, and the authorities should +be told about it. As for me, I am passing away. No one will ever see +me more. For all that, you might send me a hamper. Your affectionate +friend, + + JACKY. + + * * * * * + +STAR-GAZING. + +["Astronomy has become a deservedly fashionable hobby with young +ladies."] + + My love is an astronomer, + Whose knowledge I rely on, + She'll talk about, as I prefer, + The satellites of Jupiter, + The nebulous Orion. + + When evening shades about us fall + Each hour too quickly passes. + We take no heed of time at all, + When studying celestial + Phenomena through glasses. + + The salient features we descry + Of all the starry pattern; + To see with telescopic eye + The citizens of Mars we try, + Or speculate on Saturn. + + To find another planet still + If ever we're enabled, + The world discovered by her skill + As "ANGELINA TOMKYNS" will + Triumphantly be labelled. + + The likeness of the stars elsewhere + By day we view between us, + We recognise the Greater Bear, + I grieve to say, in TOMKYNS _père_, + And close at hand is Venus! + + In fact, the editorial note + Above, which is of course meant + To lead more ladies to devote + Attention to the stars, I quote + With cordial endorsement! + + * * * * * + +"IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET!"--Which is the right way of spelling the +name of the Prophet of Islam? Is it MOHAMMED? MAHOMET? MUHAMMED? +or MAHOMED? Are his followers Mohammedans? Mahommedans? Mahometans? +Moslems? Mussulmen? or Muslims? Perhaps, to adapt _Mr. Mantalini's_ +famous summary, and merely substituting "all" for "both," and "none +of 'em" for "neither," we may say "So all are right, and none of 'em +wrong, upon our life and soul, O demmit!" + + * * * * * + + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE IX.--CHARLES COLLIMORE'S _Sitting-room at Keppel Street, +Bloomsbury_. TIME--_Saturday afternoon_. + +_Mrs. Cagney_ (_the landlady, showing_ Mr. TOOVEY _in_). Oh, I thought +Mr. COLLIMORE had come in, Sir, but I expect him in every minute. Will +you take a seat? + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_sitting down_). Thank you, I'm in no hurry--no hurry at +all. (_To himself._) CORNELIA wished me to put a few questions quietly +to the landlady. I suppose I'd better do it while----(_Aloud._) Hem, +I hope, Ma'am, that you find Mr. COLLIMORE a--an unexceptionable +lodger--in all respects? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_crossing her hands stiffly in front of her_). Mr. +COLLIMORE conducks hisself as a gentleman, and treats me as a lady, +which is all _my_ requirements. + +_Mr. Toov._ Quite so--very satisfactory, I'm sure, but--does he keep +fairly regular hours? Or is he at all inclined to be--er--fast? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_on her guard_). I can't answer for the time his watch +keeps, myself. I dessay it goes as reg'lar as what most do. + +_Mr. Toov._ No, no; I was referring to his habits. I mean--does he +usually spend his evenings quietly at home? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ You'll excuse _me_, but if you're arsking me all these +questions out of mere himpertinent curiosity---- + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I trust I have a higher motive, Ma'am. In fact, I may +as well tell you I am Mr. COLLIMORE'S uncle. + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_to herself_). The old fox! So he's trying to ferret out +something against him, is he? Well, he _won't_--that's all. (_Aloud._) +If you _are_ his huncle, Sir, all I can say is, you've got a nephew to +be proud on. I wouldn't wish to let my first floor to a steadier or +a more industrious young gentleman; comes in punctual to a tick every +night of his life and 'as his dinner, and sets studyin' his book till +'alf-past ten, which is his bed-time. I don't know what more you want. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). This is really very satisfactory--if I +could only believe it. (_Aloud._) But do I understand you to say that +that is his invariable practice? Occasionally, I suppose, he goes out +to a place of amusement--such as a music-hall, now? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_to herself_). Well, he may; and why not? He don't get +into no mischief, though light-'earted. _I_ ain't going to give him +a bad name. (_Aloud._) Lor, Sir, don't you go and put such ideas into +his 'ed. Bless your 'art alive, if he knows there _are_ such places, +it's as much as he does know! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_testily_). Now, now, my good woman, I'm afraid you're +trying to deceive me. I happen to know more about my nephew's tastes +and pursuits than you imagine. + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_roused_). Then, if you know so much, whatever do you +come 'ere and ask _me_ for? It's my belief you ain't up to no good, +for all you look so respectable, comin' into my 'ouse a-pokin' +your nose into what don't concern you, for all the world like a +poll-pryin', sneakin' Russian spy! + +_Charles_ (_entering behind her_). Hallo, Mrs. CAGNEY, what's +all this--who's a Russian spy, eh? (_Recognising_ MR. TOOVEY.) +What--Uncle! you don't mean to say it's _you_? + + [Mr. TOOVEY _stands stricken with confusion_. + +_Mrs. Cagn._ I may have spoke too free, Mr. COLLIMORE, Sir, but when +a party, as is elderly enough to know better, tries to put under'and +questions to me about where and 'ow any o' my gentlemen pass their +hevenins, and if they go to the music-'all and what not--why, I put it +to you---- + +_Charles._ All right, Mrs. CAGNEY, put it to me some other time; you +didn't understand my uncle, that's all--you needn't stay. Oh, by +the way, I'm dining out again this evening. Tell CAGNEY to leave the +chain, as I may be late. (_After_ Mrs. C. _has retired_.) Well, Uncle, +I'm afraid your diplomacy hasn't had quite the success it deserved. + +[Illustration: "Mr. Collimore conducks hisself as a gentleman, and +treats me as a lady."] + +_Mr. Toov._ (_sheepishly_). I assure you, my boy, that I--I was not +inquiring for my own satisfaction. Your Aunt is naturally anxious to +know how you---- But your landlady gave you an excellent character. + +_Charles._ She didn't seem to be equally complimentary to _you_, +Uncle. "A Russian spy," wasn't it? But really, you know, you might +have come to me for any information you require. _I_ don't mind +telling you all there is to tell. And surely Aunt knows I've been to a +music-hall; why, she pitched into me about it enough last Sunday! + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I think she wanted to know whether you went frequently, +CHARLES, or only that once. + +_Charles._ Oh, and so she sent you up to pump my landlady? Well, I'll +tell you exactly how it is. I don't set up to be a model young man +like your friend CURPHEW. I don't spend all my evenings in this +cheerful and luxurious apartment. Now and then I find the splendour of +the surroundings rather too much for me, and I'm ready to go anywhere, +even to a music-hall, for a change. There, I blush to say, I spend an +hour or two, smoking cigars, and even drinking a whisky and soda, or +a lemon squash, listening to middle-aged ladies in sun-bonnets and +accordion skirts singing out of tune. I don't know that they amuse +me much, but, at all events, they're livelier than Mrs. CAGNEY. I'm +dining out to-night, at the Criterion, with a man at the office, and +it's as likely as not we shall go in to the Valhalla or the Eldorado +afterwards. There, you can't say I'm concealing anything from you. And +I don't see why you should groan like that, Uncle. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_feebly_). I--I'd rather you didn't go to the--the +Eldorado, CHARLES. + +_Charles._ There's ingratitude! I thought you'd be touched by my +devotion. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). I _can't_ tell him I was thinking of going +there myself! (_Aloud._) You will show your devotion best by keeping +away. The less young men go to such places, my boy, the better! + +_Charles._ Not for _you_, Uncle. You forget that it's the humble five +bob of fellows like me that help to provide your next dividend. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_wincing_). Don't, CHARLES, it--it's ungenerous and +undutiful to reproach me with being a shareholder when you know how +innocently I became one! + +_Charles._ But I _wasn't_ reproaching you, Uncle, it was rather +the other way round, wasn't it? And really, considering you _are_ a +shareholder in the Eldorado, it's a little too strong to condemn me +for merely going there. + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I may not be a shareholder long, CHARLES. Unless I can +conscientiously feel able to retain my shares I shall take the first +opportunity of selling them. + +_Charles._ But why, Uncle? Better stick to them now you have got them! + +_Mr. Toov._ What? with the knowledge that I was profiting by practices +I disapproved of? Never, CHARLES! + +_Charles._ But you can't _sell_ without making a profit, you know; +they've gone up tremendously. + +_Mr. Toov._ Oh, dear me! Then, do you mean that I shouldn't even +be morally justified in selling them? Oh, you don't think _that_, +CHARLES? + +_Charles._ That's a point you must settle for yourself, Uncle, it's +beyond me. But, as a dutiful nephew, don't you see, I'm bound to do +all I can in the meantime to keep up the receipts for you, if I have +to go to the Eldorado every evening and get all the fellows I know to +go too. Mustn't let those shares go down, whether you hold on or sell, +eh? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_horrified_). Don't make me an excuse for encouraging +young men to waste precious time in idleness and folly. I won't allow +it--it's abominable, Sir! You've put me in such a state of perplexity +by all this, CHARLES, I--I hardly know where I am! Tell me, are you +really going to the Eldorado this evening? + +_Charles._ I can't say; it depends on the other fellow. But I will if +I can get him to go, for your sake. And I'm afraid I ought to go and +change, Uncle, if you'll excuse me. Make yourself as comfortable as +you can. Here's to-day's _Pink 'Un_, if you haven't seen it. + +_Mr. Toov._ I'm not in the habit of seeing such periodicals, Sir. And +I must be going. Oh, by the bye, your Aunt wished me to ask you to +come down and dine and sleep on Monday next. THEA will be back, and I +believe Mr. CURPHEW has got a free evening for once. Shall I tell her +you will come, CHARLES? + +_Charles._ Thanks; I'll come with pleasure. But, I say, Aunt doesn't +want to give me another lecture, I hope? After all, she can't say much +if you've told her about those shares, as I suppose you have. + +_Mr. Toov._ N--not yet, CHARLES. I have not found a convenient +opportunity. There, I can't stay--good-bye, my boy. + + [_He takes his leave._ + +END OF SCENE IX. + + +SCENE X.--_In the Street._ + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_to himself_). I'm afraid CHARLES has lost every +particle of respect for me. I wish I had never told him about those +wretched shares. And what _am_ I to do now? If I go to this Eldorado +place, he may be there too; and, if he sees me, I shall never hear the +last of it! And yet my mind will never be easy unless I do go and see +for myself what it really is like. That young CURPHEW expects me to +go. But I don't know, I do so dread the idea of going--alone, too! +I should like to ask somebody else what he thinks I ought to +do--somebody who is a man of the world. I wonder if I went to see +LARKINS--he won't be in his office so late as this, but I might +catch him in his chambers. It was all through him I got into this +difficulty; he ought to help me out of it if he can. I really think I +might take a cab and drive to Piccadilly, on the chance. + + [_He hails a Hansom, and drives off._ + +END OF SCENE X. + + * * * * * + +CARR-ACTORS AT "THE COMEDY." + +When we have two original plays like PINERO'S _Second Mrs. Tanqueray_ +and GRUNDY'S _Sowing the Wind_, we may congratulate ourselves that +they do _not_ "do these things better in France." _Mrs. Tanqueray_ is +a life-like tragedy, and _Sowing the Wind_ a life-like comedy. It was +a pleasure to congratulate Mr. ALEXANDER at the St. James's on his +choice of a piece, and of the company to suit it, especially on the +engagement of Mrs. PATRICK CAMPBELL for the heroine; and now it is +equally pleasant to congratulate a _confrère_ in literature, Mr. +COMYNS CARR, on having made so eminently successful a _début_ in +theatrical management, as he has done in choice of the piece and of +the company to play it. + +[Illustration: A Portrait from M-Emery. Emery Powder and polish'd +performance.] + +It is a canon of comedy-construction that from the first, the audience +should be let into the secret of the _dénouement_, but that they +should be puzzled as to the means by which that end is to be achieved. +This play is an excellent example of the rule. Everybody knows who the +heroine is from the moment of her appearance; but as to how she, the +illegitimate daughter, is to be recognised and acknowledged by her +father, this is the problem that no one except the dramatist, in +the course of four acts, can solve. It is a very clever piece of +workmanship. In these modern matter-of-fact realistic days, fancy +the awful danger to any play in which a father has to discover his +long-lost child! The strawberry mark on the left arm, the amulet, +the duplicate miniature of the mother--these ways and means, and many +others, must occur to the playgoer, and must have presented themselves +at the outset to the author, flattering himself on his originality, as +difficulties almost insuperable because so stagey, so worn threadbare, +so out of date. + +Over these difficulties Mr. GRUNDY has triumphed, and with him triumph +the actors and the stage-manager; as, for the most part, except when +there is a needless conventional "taking the centre" for supposed +effect, the stage management is as admirable as the acting and the +dialogue, which is saying a great deal, but not a bit too much. + +[Illustration: BRANDON AND MONKEY BRAND-ON. + +_Mr. Brandon Thomas Brabazon_ (_to Cyril Maude Watkin_). "I know that +face. I've seen it on the hoardings." + +_Watkin_ (_faintly_). "It won't wash!" + + [_Collapses._ + +] + +Mr. BRANDON THOMAS and Miss EMERY have never done anything better. The +former with his peculiar north-country "burr," and with his collars +and general make up reminding many of the G. O. M., whilst Mr. IAN +ROBERTSON as the wicked old Lord is not unlike the pictures of the +Iron Duke when Lord DOURO. Mr. EDMUND MAURICE, as representing the +slangy, sporting, about-town Baronet of the Tom-and-Jerry day, is +a kind of _Goldfinch_ in _The Road to Ruin_, with a similar kind of +catchword, which I suppose, on Mr. GRUNDY'S authority [though I do not +remember the expression nor the use of the word "chuck" in _Tom and +Jerry_--the authority for Georgian era slang] was one of the slang +phrases of that period. For my part (a very small part), I am inclined +to credit Mr. GRUNDY with the invention of "smash my topper," and of +the introduction of "chuck it" into eighteenth century London slang. + +Admirable are the quaint sketches of character given by Miss ROSE +LECLERCQ and Miss ANNIE HUGHES. Manly and lover-like is Mr. SYDNEY +BROUGH. In the dramatic unfolding of the plot, faultlessly acted as +it is, the audience from first to last are thoroughly interested. +Here and there, speeches and scenes would be all the better for some +judicious excision. When you are convinced, further argument weakens +the case, and I confess I should like to hear that ten minutes' worth +of dialogue had been taken out of the parts played by Mr. BRANDON +THOMAS and Miss WINIFRED EMERY. But this is a small matter--a very +small matter. To sum up, it is good work and good play, and so the new +manager and lessee is at this present moment a Triumphal CARR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Portrait of the Great Duke of Wellington, when Marquis +of Douro, by Mr. Ian Robertson.] + + * * * * * + +_Q._ Why was there at one time a chance of the _Times_, which has +always been up to date, ever being behind time?--_A._ Because formerly +there was so much _Delayin!!_ + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR LADIES WHO "GRUB SHORT" TO AVOID OBESITY.--Grace before +Meat! + + * * * * * + +Nulli Secundus. + +(_By a Lover of the Links._) + + Lyttleton asks--great cricketer, for shame!-- + If Golf--Great Scot!!!--is quite "a first-class game." + Well, if first-class it cannot quite be reckoned, + 'Tis that it stands alone, and hath no second! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROTEST. + +"AND PRAY, AM I _NEVER_ TO BE NAUGHTY, MISS GRIMM?"] + + * * * * * + +"L'UNION FAIT LA--FARCE!" + + ["France turns from her abandoned friends afresh And soothes + the Bear that prowls for patriot flesh." + + --CAMPBELL.] + + Yes, history here doth repeat itself verily! + Fancy fair France, in Republican rig, + "Soothing the Bear" again; footing it merrily + In--well now, what _is_ the name of this jig? + _Cancan_, or _Carmagnole_? Blend of the two? + Anyhow, 'tis a most strange "_Pas de Deux_"! + + Policy makes pride and principles plastic, + And 'tis most true that extremes often meet; + Yet as a sample of joint "Light Fantastic" + _This_ dual dance must be baddish to beat. + Beauty and Beast _vis-à-vis_ in the dance, + Were scarce funnier partners than Russia and France. + + Autocrat Bruin, can he really relish + The larkish high-kick, the tempestuous twirl, + That risky Republican dances embellish? + And she--a political "Wallflower," poor girl!-- + Can she truly like the strange partner that fate + Apportions her, lumpish, unlovely, and late? + + Like 'Arry and 'Arriet out for a frolic, + They've interchanged head-gear, by curious hap! + Of what is this strange substitution symbolic? + The Autocrat crown and the Phrygian cap + They've "swopped," but they both most uneasily sit, + And each for the other appears a poor fit. + + That Liberty cap upon Bruin's brown noddle! + That crown--much awry--on the Beauty's fair head! + Absurd! And the Bear's heavy lumbering waddle + Sorts oddly enough with the lady's light tread. + He won't get _her_ step! Will she try to catch _his_? + As soon shall small beer take the sparkle of fizz. + + Is she "soothing the Bear"--with a show of lip-honey? + Is he flattering the Bee--with an eye on the hive? + Sting hidden, claws sheathed--for how long? Well, 'tis funny, + This queer little game, whilst they keep it alive! + Dance-partnership is not "for better for worse," + And "union of hearts" sometimes smacks of--the purse. + + "Twos and Threes" is a game to the playground familiar! + "Two's Company!" Yes, so, in this case, are Three! + Alliances frequently made willy-nilly are + Dual _or_ Triple. The Eagles we see + Foregather; so may they not meet--in the dance-- + The Big Northern Beast and the Beauty of France? + + * * * * * + +ANGELS. + + I wonder if you give your mind + At all to angels. "Which?" you say? + Why, angels of the hymn-book kind, + Not imitation ones in clay. + + I often do. They fascinate + My fancy to a strange degree; + And meditating much of late + There came two serious points to me. + + You notice in the Holy Writ + Angels are never feminine; + But, wheresoever they may flit, + _He_ came, _he_ spake, _he_ gave the sign. + + The men who wrote of them were sage, + And knew their subject out and out; + But _we_ live in a wicked age, + That twists the angels' sex about. + + And painters paint them girls. And then + The question sets one's brains afire-- + Why choristers on earth are men, + If women form the heavenly choir? + + And if they _do_ paint here or there + A man among the cherubim, + I claim to know why not a hair + May grow upon the face of him? + + I know the Roman Church decreed + "A priest shall wear a shaven face." + But what of angels? There indeed + Razor and strop seem out of place. + + Then why this hairless cheek and chin? + I ask, and Echo answers Why? + Have angel-cheeks no roots within? + --Here comes my keeper. So, good-bye! + + * * * * * + +RECKLESS.--"Mr. ALLEN, Senator of Albraska, a prominent silverite, +spoke for fifteen hours." "Speech is silver. Silence golden." If all +silverites go on at this length, there'll be no silence, _ergo_, no +gold. Q. E. D. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "L'UNION FAIT LA-FARCE!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUT FOR AN OTTER-DAY!"] + + * * * * * + +MY PRETTY JANE AT A LATER SEASON. + +(_Respectfully submitted for the consideration of Mr. Sims Reeves._) + + My pretty Jane, my pretty Jane, + You still, you still are looking shy! + You never met me in the evening + When the bloom was on the rye. + The year is waning fast, my love; + The leaves are in the sere; + The fog-horns now are humming, love; + And the moonshine's "moonshine," dear. + But, pretty Jane, my dearest Jane, + I never will "say die";-- + Come, meet me, meet me in our parlour, + Where the bloom is on the fly. + + Just name your day, that mother may + Produce her best in china things, + And stop yon man in apron white, + Whose muffin-bell, whose muffin-bell now rings. + The year is waning fast, &c. + + * * * * * + +"A TRIPLE BILL."--"The Home Rule Bill," said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN to his +American friends, "is not scotched. It is killed." Of course our JOE +knows that were it "scotched" it would be only "half kilt." But the +idea of an Irish Bill being Scotched! Our only JOE might have added +that it was "Welsh'd" in the Lords. + + * * * * * + +PH[OE]BUS, WHAT A NAME!--Sir COMER PETHERAM, Chief Justice of Bengal, +is coming home. Welcome, Sir HOME-COMER PETHERAM. Or, why not Sir +HOMER PETHERAM for short? + + * * * * * + +TO A YOUNG COUNTRY FRIEND, AGED SEVEN. + +(_Who whistled of Monte Carlo not wisely, but too well._) + + Sweet youth! I wonder if you'll feel much pain + To know that that sweet soul-inspiring strain + You whistle at so wonderful a rate + Is now in point of fact quite out of date. + Down in the country pr'aps you hardly know + At what a pace these street-songs come and go. + At present you're a day behind the fair, + And want (as I myself) a change of air. + You should protest you're being driven crazy + By waiting for the answer of fair DAISY; + Or else ask sadly what was she to do + Who, "silly girl," got taken on to Crewe. + Whistle _that_ charming ditty, if you must, + Until, (forgive the phrase) until you bust, + But do _not_ whistle, if you wish to rank + As in the know, "_The Man who broke the Bank_." + + * * * * * + +UPON JULIA'S MOTHER. + +(_To depart presently._) + + Julia, I deemed that I had wed + Not thine, but only thee; + A child I wept my mother sped, + Thou'st given thine to me. + + She came as wandering sea-birds come + To rest upon a spar + Of ships that trail the lights of home + Where homeless billows are. + + From Aix-les-Bains to Harrogate, + From Bath to Tunbridge Wells, + She's sojourned in Imperial state, + Yet here content she dwells. + + Content--and yet no truce with truth + Such Roman mothers know; + Quick to detect the faults of youth, + And prompt to tell us so. + + I knew not I possess'd the charms + Her wandering will to bind, + To keep me from my JULIA'S arms, + And mould the baby's mind. + + When first I held thee to my breast + I little dreamt the day + Another bird would share the nest + As there content to stay. + + Thy kindred, dear, I wooed not them, + Such wealth I'd fain resign; + Since I have won the brightest gem + I covet not the mine. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. R. says that when she thinks the drains are likely to be +offensive she invariably uses "bucolic." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CRISIS IN CONJUGAL LIFE. + +_Fond Husband._ "LOOK HERE, ETHEL, I SEE YOU DAILY GETTING THINNER AND +PALER; YOU CANNOT EAT, YOU CANNOT SLEEP, WHILE I FIND LIFE A BURDEN TO +ME. I CAN BEAR IT NO LONGER! LET US MAKE A BARGAIN. IF YOU PROMISE NOT +TO GIVE ME A CHRISTMAS PRESENT, I'LL PROMISE NOT TO GIVE _YOU_ ONE. +THERE!"] + + * * * * * + +FAREWELL! + +(_On hearing that snow had fallen in the North._) + + Snow has fallen, winter's due; + In the months that now ensue + Smoky fogs will hide the view, + Mud will get as thick as glue, + Rain, snow, hail will come in lieu + Of the warmth to which we grew + Quite accustomed, and will brew + Colds, coughs, influenza, rheumatism + to thrill us through. + Gone the sky of southern hue, + Cloudless space of cobalt blue! + Gone the nights so sultry--phew! + Quite without rheumatic dew. + Gone the days, when each anew + Seemed yet finer! In Corfu, + California, Peru, + This would not be strange, but true; + But the weatherwise at Kew + Say in England it is new. + Peerless summer, in these few + Lines we bid farewell to you! + Or as cockneys say, "Aydew!" + + * * * * * + +A "SHAKSPEARIAN STUDENT" wants to know "if, when _Richard the Third_ +calls out 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!' he is not +alluding to the Night-Mare from which he is only just recovering." +[Can't say. Highly probable. So like SHAKSPEARE.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +Dear MR. P.,--I believe you do not know that Mrs. R. recently visited +Rome. She tells me that she thinks it an excellent thing that the +Tontine Marshes have been planted with Apocalypses. + + * * * * * + +THE CITY HORSE. + +(_A Legend of the "Coming Ninth."_) + +"You _must_ let me have him on the day I have specified," said the +military-looking man, with an air of determination. + +"And you order this, Sir, after learning his history?" replied the +well-educated cabman. "You know that he has been in a circus?" + +"I do; it is one of his greatest qualifications. A circus, I think you +said, where there was a brass band?" + +"Not only a brass band, but a very brassy band indeed; a brass band +all drum, trombone, and cymbal! A brass band that could be heard for +miles!" + +"And he bore it well?" asked the ex-soldier. "He did not mind the +noise?" + +"Not he," was the reply. "Why should he mind it? For remember he was +accustomed to insults from the clown. When a horse regards insults +from the clown with equanimity, you may be sure he will object to +nothing." + +"And what were the nature of these insults?" queried the veteran +warrior, with renewed interest. "Did the clown push him about? Did he +tell him to gee-up?" + +"Why, certainly. Had he been an unruly crowd at Blackheath on a Bank +Holiday, the clown could not have behaved worse. And _Rufus_, poor +beast! bore it all--six nights a week, with a _matinée_ thrown in on a +Saturday--without complaining." + +"And you do not think he would mind being called 'cat's-meat?' Not +even by a rude boy?" + +"Bless you, Sir, it is what I often call him myself. _Rufus_ is his +name, but cat's-meat is his nature. But don't you want him for more +than a day? Won't you buy him?" + +"No," returned the veteran soldier, sternly. "I only require him for +the Ninth." + +"He is getting too old for cabwork," argued the well-read driver. "He +would make a splendid charger for the adjutant of a Yeomanry corps, +and out of training might be put in the harness of a bathing-machine. +No, pray don't interrupt me, Sir. You are going to urge that he would +be useless in the winter. But no, Sir, you are wrong. He might take +round coal (in small quantities), when the nights draw in. Can I not +tempt you, Sir? You shall have him a bargain. Shall we say a penny a +pound?" + +"I have already told you," replied the warrior, "that I have need of +him only on the 9th. You understand, the 9th of next month." + +The well-read cab-driver nodded, and the two men parted. It was a +bargain. _Rufus_ (_alias_ "Cat's-meat") was to be ready for hire on +the 9th of November. + +"What does he want to do with the brute?" the well-read cabman asked +himself again and again. "Surely he cannot mean to ride it? And yet he +desired to learn if _Rufus_ were up to his weight; and when I answered +Yes, his eyes brightened, and he regarded the animal with renewed +interest." + +And all through the day the mystery puzzled him. He could not solve +the problem, try as he would. Suddenly, as he was discussing a cup of +tea in a shelter, a ray of light flooded his perplexed mind. + +"Eureka!" he exclaimed; "the warrior must have been the City Marshal; +and he wanted _Rufus_ ('Cat's-meat'), of course, for the Lord Mayor's +Show!" And perhaps the cabman had guessed rightly. Only the future can +tell. + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION FOR SCOTCHMEN.--The Duke of ATHOLE announces that he is in +future to be described as the Duke of ATHOLL. Why has he changed his +name? Because he canna thole it. + + A Duke cannot add to his stature a cubit, + Like the frog in the fable in vain he may swell; + And in vain does he alter his name with a new bit, + Its length is the same, though he tacks on an "l." + + * * * * * + +M. ZOLA is a Son of France. Around him are many literary planets and +stars, and imitators, shining with reflected light--the French Zolar +System. This is the Theory of _Mr. Punch_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS. A GOLF MEETING.] + + * * * * * + +A "FANTASTIC" ACTION. + +["A young lady of Newark while dancing a few nights ago fell and broke +her leg, and she has now commenced an action for damages against her +partner, to whom she attributes the cause of the accident."--_Daily +Telegraph._] + + "Oh, bother!" girls will sigh; "a fresh excuse + For men not fond of dancing to forsake us! + We fancy we can hear them say 'the deuce! + We can't dance _now_; to drop a girl might break us!' + + Now e'en 'the better sort,' who used to beg + To see our cards, will--or our wits deceive us-- + Reflect that they may break a partner's leg, + And, choose, alas, to 'make a leg,' and leave us." + + * * * * * + +DRAMA COLLEGE. + +ESTABLISHMENT FOR YOUNG LADIES, AND PREPARATORY SCHOOL FOR LITTLE BOYS, + +_Conducted by_ + +THE MISSES MELPOMENE AND THALIA. + +The Curriculum includes thorough grounding in Knowledge of Life, and +in High-class Virtue and Honesty. The Pupils are carefully restrained +from the practice of "unlovely middle-class virtue." Severe morality +constantly inculcated. Mere amusement strictly excluded. Aristocratic +Deportment and Etiquette taught by experienced Assistants. + +For further particulars apply to Mr. ENRY HAUTHUR JONES. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PRICELESS POSSESSION. + +_Mrs. Golightly._ "OH, I HOPE YOU WON'T THINK IT RUDE, BUT WOULD YOU +MIND TELLING ME WHAT THAT WONDERFUL BLACK STONE YOU'RE WEARING IS?" + +_Mrs. Luxor._ "OH, CERTAINLY. I FIND MOST PEOPLE ENVY ME THAT. IT'S A +PIECE OF REAL ENGLISH COAL!" + +_Mrs. Golightly._ "HOW WONDERFUL! AH, I WISH _MY_ HUSBAND WAS A +MILLIONAIRE!"] + + * * * * * + +AWFUL RESULT OF THE COAL FAMINE. + +(_Upon an Ordinarily Innocent and Non-punning Fire-worshipper_). + + Oh! _what_ a period! Strikes might puzzle SOLON! + I love, in winter--having shut up shop-- + My snug back-parlour fire to _semi-colon_, + Now there's no _colon_, fuel's at a _full-stop!_ + I have burned coke, wood, turf, aye, even slate, + But to _no_ fire myself cannot a-comma-date! + + * * * * * + +"PRACTICAL JOHN."--Mr. HOLLINGSHEAD'S advertisement, headed "Plain +Words to the Public," is eminently characteristic of the author. Says +he, "The prices I start with I shall stand or fall by." Certainly, +as the prices are moderate, the public will stand them, so he needn't +trouble himself on that score. If he be riding for a fall, and if the +public won't come down heavily, let us hope, if he fall at all, he +will come down lightly. Then he adds, in his own independent way, +"If it is thought necessary to tamper with these prices in an upward +direction" ["tampering upward" is pretty], "I shall give up this, +my final effort in theatrical management" [Oh, no, don't!--please +don't!!], "and walk out of the building." Why "walk"? By his own free +admission he will be driven out (which sounds like a contradiction in +terms), so why make a virtue of walking out. Never walk when you can +ride. But J. H. walk out!! "_J. H. y suis et J. H. y reste._" + + * * * * * + +THE BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL WORKING-MAN. + +(_As described by Sir E. Arnold at Birmingham._) + + A wonderful joy our eyes to bless, + In his magnificent happiness, + Is the working-man of whom I sing, + Who fares more royally than a king. + Seeing his "board" Sir EDWIN'S floored-- + _Hors d'[oe]uvres_, soup, fish, _entrée_, joint, game, ices. + _Ab ovo_ nothing has been ignored + _Usque ad malum_, not minding prices. + AUGUSTUS might have hurt his sight + Reading with only a lamp or taper; + The working-man's electric light + Glows on immaculate daily paper. + Go search in MOMMSEN'S history, + Then come you home and sing with me-- + No life of emperor could, or can, + Be bright as that of the working-man! + + "Machinery turns his toil to art." + BURNE-JONES and MORRIS at this would start. + Though the "Arts and Crafts" be with horror dumb, + A Birmingham Parthenon yet may come! + The School Board's pains mature his brains, + Masses beat classes--he'll soon annul us. + Never went--as he goes--in trains + HELIOGABALUS or LUCULLUS. + He, should he care, can daily stare + At statues draped by dear Mrs. GRUNDY, + And ride in trams for a halfpenny fare, + And "wire" for sixpence, except on Sunday. + + His letters traverse the ocean wave. + _Note._--If a penny you fail to save, + To HENNIKER-HEATON please apply, + And he will discover the reason why. + Rich in the things contentment brings, + In every pure enjoyment wealthy, + But is he as gay as the poet sings, + In body and mind as hale and healthy? + In silence adept, he has certainly kept + So extremely quiet we should not know it. + Yet he "as authorities mayn't accept" + Such blooming blokes as an Eastern poet. + + * * * * * + +OH WHAT A SIR PRYCE!--Sir PRYCE PRYCE-JONES, M.P. for the Montgomery +Boroughs, has received a testimonial from his constituents. That is +to say, because he has been a nice-PRYCE-JONES they have made him a +prize-PRYCE-JONES. Bravo, Sir TWICE-PRYCE-JONES! + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION TO PROVINCIAL LAWN-TENNIS CLUB.--Why not give Lawn-Tennis +Balls in Costume during the winter? + + * * * * * + +QUOTH DUNRAVEN, NEVERMORE! + + There's many a slip 'twixt "cup" and lip! + Is there not, good DUNRAVEN? + You'll take your Transatlantic trip + Like sportsman, not like craven. + The "centre-board" against the keel + Has won. On woe we sup, Sir! + As in old nursery rhyme we feel + "The 'dish' ran away with the--cup," Sir! + The Valkyries, those valiant dames, + Success might sure have wished us; + But the _Vigilant_, our yacht-builders shames. + The "Yankee Dish" has--dished us! + + * * * * * + +TO "HANS BREITMANN." + +[Mr. C. G. LELAND, in his recently-published _Memoirs_, informs us of +his very early appreciation of the formula, "I am I--I am myself--I +myself I."] + + You, from mirth to logic turning, + Doubly proved yourself the right man, + By your wondrous breadth of learning, + For the title of "der Breitmann." + Yes, the lore and fun within you + Show us yearly greater reasons + Why we wish you to continue + _Quite yourself_ for farther seasons. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 192: Extra 'have' removed. + +"AUGUSTUS might have (have) hurt his sight". + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, +October 21st 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39351-8.txt or 39351-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/5/39351/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, October 21st 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: April 2, 2012 [EBook #39351] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page181" id="page181"></a>[pg 181]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1> + +<h2>Volume 105, October 21st 1893</h2> + +<h4><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h4> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/181a-1500.png"><img src="images/181a-600.png" width="600" height="395" alt="THE SHAFTESBURY FOUNTAIN AGAIN." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">THE SHAFTESBURY FOUNTAIN AGAIN.</h3> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Sensational Incident in Piccadilly Circus, as seen by Our Artist.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE WAR IN SOUTH AMERICA.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>From our Correspondent on the Spot.</i>)</h4> + +<p class="author"><i>There or Thereabouts, Saturday.</i></p> + +<p>I hope you will not believe all you hear. I am told that the +messages are tampered with, but this I trust to get through the lines +without difficulty. It is being carried by a professional brigand +disguised as a monk.</p> + +<p>First let me disabuse the minds of your readers about the blowing +up of the hospital. It is quite true that the place was sent +spinning into the air. But the patients were put to the minimum of +inconvenience. They were removed from the wards +without being called upon to quit their beds. They went +somewhere after returning to the ground, but where I +do not know. Some of the local doctors say that the +change of air (caused by the explosion) may have done +them good. It is not impossible.</p> + +<p>I am glad to be able to contradict the report that +the Stock Exchange and the apple-stall at the corner were +both bombarded. This is a deliberate falsehood. The +Stock Exchange, it is true, was razed to the ground, +but the apple-stall escaped uninjured. This is an example +of the reckless fashion in which reports are circulated.</p> + +<p>Then about the burning of the city. It is certainly true +that the place was set alight in two hundred places at once. +But the day was cold, and I think it was only done because the troops +wanted to warm their hands. You must not believe all you hear, and it +is unwise to impute motives before receiving explanations. The people +here are warm-hearted and sympathetic, and the soldiers (as a body) +are the mildest-mannered persons imaginable.</p> + +<p>And the report about the blowing-up of the bridges. Here again +there has been gross exaggeration. The bed of the river, in spite of +reports to the contrary, was left undisturbed. Only the stone-work +was sent spinning, and yet some reporters insist that everything was +blown into smithereens! Reporters really should be more careful.</p> + +<p>And now I must conclude, as my brigand, disguised as a priest, +is just off.</p> + +<p>As a parting request, I would urge upon my stockbrokers +to buy. We are sure to have a rise presently, +and I predict this with the greater confidence +as I know that the house in which I am writing is undermined.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/181b-1000.png"><img src="images/181b-600.png" width="600" height="426" alt="WASTED SWEETNESS." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">WASTED SWEETNESS.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">A heartrending Study of Shadow on the Underground Railway!</span></h4></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind">The <i>P. M. Magazine</i> goes in for discussion of +Bi-metallism. Sir <span class="sc">John Lubbock</span> writes about "The +Case for Gold," and Mr. <span class="sc">Vicary Gibbs</span>, M.P., about +"The Case for Silver." Considering the relative value +of the metals, the case for gold ought to be out +and away the stronger of the two, impregnable, and +burglar-proof, so that it could be advertised thus: +"It's no use having gold unless you have Sir <span class="sc">John +Lubbock's</span> 'case for gold' to keep it in."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page182" id="page182"></a>[pg 182]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<h3 class="sans">BEHEMOTH AND THE LION; OR, SPEARS AND QUILLS.</h3> +<h5><i>A Fable for Pseudo-Philanthropists.</i></h5> +<a href="images/182-1200.png"><img src="images/182-500.png" width="500" height="551" alt="BEHEMOTH AND THE LION; OR, SPEARS AND QUILLS." /></a> + +<p><i>Philanthropist Press-Man.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh stop, stop, Mister Lion! Wait a bit! Perhaps the pretty Creature means no harm!</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Leo (curtly).</i> "<span class="sc"><i>Look at his Teeth!</i></span>"</p></div> + +<blockquote><p>[Mr. <span class="sc">Rider Haggard</span> (writing to the <i>Times</i>) remarks that a considerable +section of the English Press seems to be of opinion that <span class="sc">Lobengula</span> is an +innocent and worthy savage, on whom a quarrel is being forced by the +Chartered Company for its own mercenary ends. He suggests that the appearance +of an armed Matabele impi in Mayfair might alter their views.]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem2"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Behemoth is big and black, and monstrous-mouthed and toothfull,</p> +<p>But to say he is carnivorous were cruelly untruthful!"</p> +<p>So quoth the Querulous Quillman, or Pen-armed Philanthropist,</p> +<p>Whose intellect seems ever in a sentimental mist.</p> +<p>Now Leo, little given to read books on Natural History,</p> +<p>Was watchful of Dame Nature's <i>facts</i>. "It seems to me a mystery</p> +<p>My querulous Press Porcupine," observed the wary Lion,</p> +<p>"That what you've set your heart on, you can never keep clear eye on.</p> +<p><i>Look at his teeth!</i>" "Oh, nonsense!" cried the Querulous Quillman, quoting</p> +<p>From a book on Big Mammalia, to which he'd been devoting</p> +<p>All his odd moments recently. "Those tusks may look terrific,</p> +<p>But the monster's graminivorous, and pleasant, and pacific.</p> +<p>They're solely meant for cutting grass! Huge uppers and big lowers,</p> +<p>Though threatening as ripping-saws, are harmless as lawn-mowers.</p> +<p>As weapons of offence they're seldom used, so here 'tis stated,</p> +<p>'Unless the creature's wounded sore, or greatly irritated.'</p> +<p>He is innocent and worthy, this Titanic-jawed Colossus.</p> +<p>Those gleaming tusks won't 'chump' you, he won't trample us, or toss us,</p> +<p>Unless we interfere with him. He likes to stand there grinning,</p> +<p>With those terrible incisors, in a way which mayn't be winning,</p> +<p>Still, <i>'tis but his style of smiling</i>, and it's not his fault, poor fellow!</p> +<p>If his maw's a crimson cavern, and his tusks are huge and yellow."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Behemoth meanwhile snorted in his own earthquaky fashion,</p> +<p>And yawned, and lashed and trampled like a tiger in a passion.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page183" id="page183"></a>[pg 183]</span> +<p>By the gleaming of his optics, and the clashing of his tushes,</p> +<p>He <i>seemed</i> to be preparing for the Ugliest of Rushes.</p> +<p>Quoth Leo, "Good friend Porcupine, you <i>may</i> be quite prophetic,</p> +<p>And I a bit 'too previous.' Your picture's most pathetic;</p> +<p>But I've seen your pachydermatous Poor Innocent when furious,</p> +<p>And for a gentle graminivorous creature, it is curious</p> +<p>How he'll run amuck like a Malay, and crunch canoes and foes up,</p> +<p>With those same tusks, which might have made a Mammoth turn his toes up.</p> +<p>So if you please, friend Porcupine, your quills I shall not trust again</p> +<p>To meet those spears, which hate would wash—in blood, 'ere they should rust again.</p> +<p>Mere quills won't quell an Impi, or make Behemoth good-neighbourly.</p> +<p>Leo must guard this spot, where British enterprise and labour lie,</p> +<p>The Monster seems to meditate attack, if <i>I</i> may judge of him,</p> +<p>So let <i>me</i> have the first slap at, whilst you keep on scribbling fudge of him!</p> + </div></div> +<h4><span class="sc" style="padding-right: 10em;">Moral.</span></h4> + <div class="poem2"><div class="stanza"> +<p>It may appear superfluous to point this fable's moral;</p> +<p>But—teeth that could crush chain-mail seem scarce shaped for mumbling coral!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/183-1500.png"><img src="images/183-600.png" width="600" height="380" alt="A WEIGHTY PROSPECT." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">A WEIGHTY PROSPECT.</h3> + +<p><i>The Captain (who has just been giving a spin to his last purchase, +for his Wife's inspection).</i> "<span class="sc">Good goer, ain't he? and a full +Fourteen-Stone Horse, you know!</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Young Wife (as yet somewhat innocent in horsey matters).</i> +"<span class="sc">Oh, I'm sure he's <i>more</i> than that, dear. Why, <i>Mamma</i> weighs +nearly as much!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>A LETTER HOME.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>From our Youngest Contributor.</i>)</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">My dear Mr. Punch</span>,—This is about the last letter you will +receive from me. I know it is, as all will soon be over! And I +shall be glad of it. I can't last out until the Christmas holidays. +Who could with such food? Why, it would make a dog cough!</p> + +<p>It's no use learning anything. Why should I, when it will be all +over almost directly? What's the good of Latin and Greek if you +are going to chuck it almost at once? And mathematics, too! +What use are they if the end is near? It's all very well to cram, +but what's the good of it when you know you won't survive to eat +the plum pudding?</p> + +<p>There's no news. There's never any news. <span class="sc">Smith</span> Minor has +got his cap for football, and <span class="sc">Snooks</span> Major is going up to Oxford +instead of Cambridge. What does it matter when the beef is so +tough that you might sole your boots with it? And as for the +mutton! Well, all I can say is, that it isn't fit for human food, and +the authorities should be told about it. As for me, I am passing +away. No one will ever see me more. For all that, you might send +me a hamper. Your affectionate friend,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Jacky</span>.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>STAR-GAZING.</h3> + +<p class="center">["Astronomy has become a deservedly fashionable hobby with young ladies."]</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>My love is an astronomer,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose knowledge I rely on,</p> +<p>She'll talk about, as I prefer,</p> +<p>The satellites of Jupiter,</p> +<p class="i2">The nebulous Orion.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>When evening shades about us fall</p> +<p class="i2">Each hour too quickly passes.</p> +<p>We take no heed of time at all,</p> +<p>When studying celestial</p> +<p class="i2">Phenomena through glasses.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The salient features we descry</p> +<p class="i2">Of all the starry pattern;</p> +<p>To see with telescopic eye</p> +<p>The citizens of Mars we try,</p> +<p class="i2">Or speculate on Saturn.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>To find another planet still</p> +<p class="i2">If ever we're enabled,</p> +<p>The world discovered by her skill</p> +<p>As "<span class="sc">Angelina Tomkyns</span>" will</p> +<p class="i2">Triumphantly be labelled.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The likeness of the stars elsewhere</p> +<p class="i2">By day we view between us,</p> +<p>We recognise the Greater Bear,</p> +<p>I grieve to say, in <span class="sc">Tomkyns</span> <i>père</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">And close at hand is Venus!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In fact, the editorial note</p> +<p class="i2">Above, which is of course meant</p> +<p>To lead more ladies to devote</p> +<p>Attention to the stars, I quote</p> +<p class="i2">With cordial endorsement!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1">"<span class="sc">In the Name of the Prophet!</span>"—Which is the right way +of spelling the name of the Prophet of Islam? Is it <span class="sc">Mohammed</span>? +<span class="sc">Mahomet</span>? <span class="sc">Muhammed</span>? or <span class="sc">Mahomed</span>? Are his followers Mohammedans? +Mahommedans? Mahometans? Moslems? Mussulmen? +or Muslims? Perhaps, to adapt <i>Mr. Mantalini's</i> famous summary, +and merely substituting "all" for "both," and "none of 'em" for +"neither," we may say "So all are right, and none of 'em wrong, +upon our life and soul, O demmit!"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page184" id="page184"></a>[pg 184]</span> + +<h2 class="sans">UNDER THE ROSE.</h2> + +<h3>(<i>A Story in Scenes.</i>)</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Scene IX.</span>—<span class="sc">Charles Collimore's</span> <i>Sitting-room at Keppel Street, +Bloomsbury</i>. <span class="sc">Time</span>—<i>Saturday afternoon</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Cagney</i> (<i>the landlady, showing</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> <i>in</i>). Oh, I +thought Mr. <span class="sc">Collimore</span> had come in, Sir, but I expect him in every +minute. Will you take a seat?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toovey</i> (<i>sitting down</i>). Thank you, I'm in no hurry—no hurry +at all. (<i>To himself.</i>) <span class="sc">Cornelia</span> wished me to put a few questions +quietly to the landlady. I suppose I'd better do it while——(<i>Aloud.</i>) +Hem, I hope, Ma'am, that you find Mr. <span class="sc">Collimore</span> a—an +unexceptionable lodger—in all respects?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Cagn.</i> (<i>crossing her hands stiffly in front of her</i>). Mr. +<span class="sc">Collimore</span> conducks hisself as a gentleman, and treats me as a lady, +which is all <i>my</i> requirements.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> Quite so—very satisfactory, I'm sure, but—does he +keep fairly regular hours? Or is he at all inclined to be—er—fast?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Cagn.</i> (<i>on her guard</i>). I can't answer for the time his watch +keeps, myself. I dessay it goes as reg'lar as what most do.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> No, no; I was referring to his habits. I mean—does +he usually spend his evenings +quietly at home?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Cagn.</i> You'll excuse <i>me</i>, +but if you're arsking me all these +questions out of mere himpertinent +curiosity——</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> I—I trust I have a +higher motive, Ma'am. In fact, +I may as well tell you I am Mr. +<span class="sc">Collimore's</span> uncle.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Cagn.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). The +old fox! So he's trying to ferret +out something against him, is +he? Well, he <i>won't</i>—that's all. +(<i>Aloud.</i>) If you <i>are</i> his huncle, +Sir, all I can say is, you've got a +nephew to be proud on. I wouldn't +wish to let my first floor to a +steadier or a more industrious +young gentleman; comes in +punctual to a tick every night of +his life and 'as his dinner, and +sets studyin' his book till 'alf-past +ten, which is his bed-time. +I don't know what more you +want.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). This is +really very satisfactory—if I could +only believe it. (<i>Aloud.</i>) But do +I understand you to say that that +is his invariable practice? Occasionally, +I suppose, he goes out to +a place of amusement—such as a +music-hall, now?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Cagn.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). Well, +he may; and why not? He don't +get into no mischief, though light-'earted. +<i>I</i> ain't going to give him +a bad name. (<i>Aloud.</i>) Lor, Sir, +don't you go and put such ideas +into his 'ed. Bless your 'art alive, +if he knows there <i>are</i> such places, it's as much as he does know!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>testily</i>). Now, now, my good woman, I'm afraid you're +trying to deceive me. I happen to know more about my nephew's +tastes and pursuits than you imagine.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Cagn.</i> (<i>roused</i>). Then, if you know so much, whatever do +you come 'ere and ask <i>me</i> for? It's my belief you ain't up to no +good, for all you look so respectable, comin' into my 'ouse a-pokin' +your nose into what don't concern you, for all the world like a poll-pryin', +sneakin' Russian spy!</p> + +<p><i>Charles</i> (<i>entering behind her</i>). Hallo, Mrs. <span class="sc">Cagney</span>, what's all +this—who's a Russian spy, eh? (<i>Recognising</i> <span class="sc">Mr. Toovey</span>.) What—Uncle! +you don't mean to say it's <i>you</i>?</p> + +<p class="ind2">[Mr. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> <i>stands stricken with confusion</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Cagn.</i> I may have spoke too free, Mr. <span class="sc">Collimore</span>, Sir, but +when a party, as is elderly enough to know better, tries to put +under'and questions to me about where and 'ow any o' my gentlemen +pass their hevenins, and if they go to the music-'all and what not—why, +I put it to you——</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> All right, Mrs. <span class="sc">Cagney</span>, put it to me some other time; you +didn't understand my uncle, that's all—you needn't stay. Oh, by the +way, I'm dining out again this evening. Tell <span class="sc">Cagney</span> to leave the +chain, as I may be late. (<i>After</i> Mrs. C. <i>has retired</i>.) Well, Uncle, +I'm afraid your diplomacy hasn't had quite the success it deserved.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/184-800.png"><img src="images/184-400.png" width="400" height="479" alt="'Mr. Collimore conducks hisself as a gentleman, and treats me as a lady.'" /></a> +<p class="center">"Mr. Collimore conducks hisself as a gentleman, and treats me as a lady."</p></div> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>sheepishly</i>). I assure you, my boy, that I—I was not +inquiring for my own satisfaction. Your Aunt is naturally anxious +to know how you—— But your landlady gave you an excellent +character.</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> She didn't seem to be equally complimentary to <i>you</i>, +Uncle. "A Russian spy," wasn't it? But really, you know, you +might have come to me for any information you require. <i>I</i> don't +mind telling you all there is to tell. And surely Aunt knows I've +been to a music-hall; why, she pitched into me about it enough +last Sunday!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> I—I think she wanted to know whether you went +frequently, <span class="sc">Charles</span>, or only that once.</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> Oh, and so she sent you up to pump my landlady? Well, +I'll tell you exactly how it is. I don't set up to be a model young +man like your friend <span class="sc">Curphew</span>. I don't spend all my evenings +in this cheerful and luxurious apartment. Now and then I find the +splendour of the surroundings rather too much for me, and I'm +ready to go anywhere, even to a music-hall, for a change. There, +I blush to say, I spend an hour or two, smoking cigars, and even +drinking a whisky and soda, or a lemon squash, listening to middle-aged +ladies in sun-bonnets and accordion skirts singing out of tune. +I don't know that they amuse me much, but, at all events, they're +livelier than Mrs. <span class="sc">Cagney</span>. I'm +dining out to-night, at the Criterion, +with a man at the office, +and it's as likely as not we shall +go in to the Valhalla or the Eldorado +afterwards. There, you can't +say I'm concealing anything from +you. And I don't see why you +should groan like that, Uncle.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>feebly</i>). I—I'd +rather you didn't go to the—the +Eldorado, <span class="sc">Charles</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> There's ingratitude! +I thought you'd be touched by +my devotion.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). I <i>can't</i> +tell him I was thinking of going +there myself! (<i>Aloud.</i>) You +will show your devotion best by +keeping away. The less young +men go to such places, my boy, +the better!</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> Not for <i>you</i>, Uncle. +You forget that it's the humble +five bob of fellows like me that help +to provide your next dividend.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>wincing</i>). Don't, +<span class="sc">Charles</span>, it—it's ungenerous and +undutiful to reproach me with +being a shareholder when you +know how innocently I became +one!</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> But I <i>wasn't</i> reproaching +you, Uncle, it was rather the +other way round, wasn't it? And +really, considering you <i>are</i> a shareholder +in the Eldorado, it's a +little too strong to condemn me +for merely going there.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> I—I may not be a +shareholder long, <span class="sc">Charles</span>. Unless +I can conscientiously feel able to retain my shares I shall take +the first opportunity of selling them.</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> But why, Uncle? Better stick to them now you have +got them!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> What? with the knowledge that I was profiting by +practices I disapproved of? Never, <span class="sc">Charles</span>!</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> But you can't <i>sell</i> without making a profit, you know; +they've gone up tremendously.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> Oh, dear me! Then, do you mean that I shouldn't +even be morally justified in selling them? Oh, you don't think +<i>that</i>, <span class="sc">Charles</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> That's a point you must settle for yourself, Uncle, it's +beyond me. But, as a dutiful nephew, don't you see, I'm bound to +do all I can in the meantime to keep up the receipts for you, if I +have to go to the Eldorado every evening and get all the fellows I +know to go too. Mustn't let those shares go down, whether you hold +on or sell, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>horrified</i>). Don't make me an excuse for encouraging +young men to waste precious time in idleness and folly. I won't +allow it—it's abominable, Sir! You've put me in such a state of +perplexity by all this, <span class="sc">Charles</span>, I—I hardly know where I am! +Tell me, are you really going to the Eldorado this evening?</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> I can't say; it depends on the other fellow. But I will +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page185" id="page185"></a>[pg 185]</span> +if I can get him to go, for your sake. And I'm afraid I ought to go +and change, Uncle, if you'll excuse me. Make yourself as comfortable +as you can. Here's to-day's <i>Pink 'Un</i>, if you haven't +seen it.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> I'm not in the habit of seeing such periodicals, Sir. And +I must be going. Oh, by the bye, your Aunt wished me to ask you +to come down and dine and sleep on Monday next. <span class="sc">Thea</span> will be +back, and I believe Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span> has got a free evening for once. +Shall I tell her you will come, <span class="sc">Charles</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Charles.</i> Thanks; I'll come with pleasure. But, I say, Aunt +doesn't want to give me another lecture, I hope? After all, she can't +say much if you've told her about those shares, as I suppose you have.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> N—not yet, <span class="sc">Charles</span>. I have not found a convenient +opportunity. There, I can't stay—good-bye, my boy.</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>He takes his leave.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">End of Scene</span> IX.</p> + +<p class="center" style="margin-top: 2em;"><span class="sc">Scene</span> X.—<i>In the Street.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toovey</i> (<i>to himself</i>). I'm afraid <span class="sc">Charles</span> has lost every +particle of respect for me. I wish I had never told him about those +wretched shares. And what <i>am</i> I to do now? If I go to this Eldorado +place, he may be there too; and, if he sees me, I shall never +hear the last of it! And yet my mind will never be easy unless I do +go and see for myself what it really is like. That young <span class="sc">Curphew</span> +expects me to go. But I don't know, I do so dread the idea of +going—alone, too! I should like to ask somebody else what he +thinks I ought to do—somebody who is a man of the world. +I wonder if I went to see <span class="sc">Larkins</span>—he won't be in his office so late +as this, but I might catch him in his chambers. It was all through +him I got into this difficulty; he ought to help me out of it if he +can. I really think I might take a cab and drive to Piccadilly, on +the chance.</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>He hails a Hansom, and drives off.</i></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">End of Scene</span> X.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">CARR-ACTORS AT "THE COMEDY."</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 150px;"><a href="images/185a-400.png"><img src="images/185a-150.png" width="150" height="337" alt="A Portrait from M-Emery. Emery" /></a> +<p class="center">A Portrait from M-Emery. Emery +Powder and polish'd performance.</p></div> + +<p>When we have two original plays like <span class="sc">Pinero's</span> <i>Second Mrs. +Tanqueray</i> and <span class="sc">Grundy's</span> <i>Sowing the Wind</i>, we may congratulate +ourselves that they do <i>not</i> "do these things better in France." <i>Mrs. +Tanqueray</i> is a life-like tragedy, and <i>Sowing the Wind</i> a life-like +comedy. It was a pleasure to congratulate Mr. <span class="sc">Alexander</span> at the +St. James's on his choice of a piece, and of the company to suit it, +especially on the engagement of Mrs. <span class="sc">Patrick Campbell</span> for the +heroine; and now it is equally pleasant to congratulate a <i>confrère</i> +in literature, Mr. <span class="sc">Comyns Carr</span>, on having made so eminently +successful a <i>début</i> in theatrical management, as he has done in +choice of the piece and of the company to play it.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/185b-700.png"><img src="images/185b-200.png" width="200" height="293" alt="Brandon and Monkey Brand-on." /></a> +<span class="sc">Brandon and Monkey Brand-on.</span> +<p><i>Mr. Brandon Thomas Brabazon</i> (<i>to Cyril Maude +Watkin</i>). "I know that face. I've seen it on the +hoardings."</p> +<p><i>Watkin</i> (<i>faintly</i>). "It won't wash!"</p> +<p class="author1">[<i>Collapses.</i>]</p></div> + +<p>It is a canon of comedy-construction that from the first, +the audience should be let into the secret of the <i>dénouement</i>, +but that they should be puzzled as to the means by which that +end is to be achieved. This play is an excellent example of the +rule. Everybody knows who the heroine is from the moment of her +appearance; but as to how she, the illegitimate daughter, is to be +recognised and acknowledged by her father, this is the problem +that no one except the dramatist, in the course of four acts, can +solve. It is a very clever piece of workmanship. In these modern +matter-of-fact realistic days, fancy the awful danger to any +play in which a father has to discover his long-lost child! The +strawberry mark on the left arm, the amulet, the duplicate +miniature of the mother—these ways and means, and many others, +must occur to the playgoer, and must have presented themselves at +the outset to the author, flattering himself on his originality, as +difficulties almost insuperable because so stagey, so worn threadbare, +so out of date.</p> + +<p>Over these difficulties Mr. <span class="sc">Grundy</span> has triumphed, and with him +triumph the actors and the stage-manager; as, for the most part, +except when there is a needless conventional "taking the centre" +for supposed effect, the stage management is as admirable as the +acting and the dialogue, which is saying a great deal, but not a +bit too much.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 150px;"><a href="images/185c-350.png"><img src="images/185c-150.png" width="150" height="407" alt="Portrait of the Great" /></a> +<p class="center">Portrait of the Great Duke of Wellington, when +Marquis of Douro, by Mr. Ian Robertson.</p></div> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Brandon Thomas</span> and Miss +<span class="sc">Emery</span> have never done anything better. +The former with his peculiar north-country +"burr," and with his collars and general make up +reminding many of the G. O. M., whilst Mr. <span class="sc">Ian +Robertson</span> as the wicked old Lord is not unlike the +pictures of the Iron Duke when Lord <span class="sc">Douro</span>. Mr. +<span class="sc">Edmund Maurice</span>, as representing the +slangy, sporting, about-town Baronet of the Tom-and-Jerry +day, is a kind of <i>Goldfinch</i> in <i>The Road +to Ruin</i>, with a similar kind of catchword, which +I suppose, on Mr. <span class="sc">Grundy's</span> authority [though +I do not remember the expression nor the use of the word +"chuck" in <i>Tom and Jerry</i>—the authority for Georgian era slang] +was one of the slang phrases of that period. +For my part (a very small part), I am inclined +to credit Mr. <span class="sc">Grundy</span> with the +invention of "smash my topper," and of +the introduction of "chuck it" into +eighteenth century London slang.</p> + +<p>Admirable are the quaint sketches of +character given by Miss <span class="sc">Rose Leclercq</span> and +Miss <span class="sc">Annie Hughes</span>. Manly and lover-like +is Mr. <span class="sc">Sydney Brough</span>. In the dramatic +unfolding of the plot, faultlessly acted as +it is, the audience from first to last are +thoroughly interested. Here and there, +speeches and scenes would be all the better +for some judicious excision. When you are +convinced, further argument weakens the +case, and I confess I should like to hear +that ten minutes' worth of dialogue had +been taken out of the parts played by Mr. +<span class="sc">Brandon Thomas</span> and Miss <span class="sc">Winifred +Emery</span>. But this is a small matter—a +very small matter. To sum up, it is good +work and good play, and so the new +manager and lessee is at this present +moment a Triumphal <span class="sc">Carr</span>.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center"><i>Q.</i> Why was there at one time a chance +of the <i>Times</i>, which has always been up to +date, ever being behind time? +<br />—<i>A.</i> Because +formerly there was so much <i>Delayin!!</i></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Motto for Ladies who "Grub Short" +to Avoid Obesity.</span>—Grace before Meat!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Nulli Secundus.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a Lover of the Links.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Lyttleton asks—great cricketer, for shame!—</p> +<p>If Golf—Great Scot!!!—is quite "a first-class game."</p> +<p>Well, if first-class it cannot quite be reckoned,</p> +<p>'Tis that it stands alone, and hath no second!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page186" id="page186"></a>[pg 186]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/186-900.png"><img src="images/186-350.png" width="350" height="548" alt="A PROTEST." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">A PROTEST.</h3> + +<p>"<span class="sc">And Pray, am I <i>never</i> to be Naughty, Miss Grimm?</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>"L'UNION FAIT LA—FARCE!"</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +["France turns from her abandoned friends afresh +And soothes the Bear that prowls for patriot flesh."</p> +<p class="author">—<span class="sc">Campbell.</span>] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Yes, history here doth repeat itself verily!</p> +<p class="i2">Fancy fair France, in Republican rig,</p> +<p>"Soothing the Bear" again; footing it merrily</p> +<p class="i2">In—well now, what <i>is</i> the name of this jig?</p> +<p><i>Cancan</i>, or <i>Carmagnole</i>? Blend of the two?</p> +<p>Anyhow, 'tis a most strange "<i>Pas de Deux</i>"!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Policy makes pride and principles plastic,</p> +<p class="i2">And 'tis most true that extremes often meet;</p> +<p>Yet as a sample of joint "Light Fantastic"</p> +<p class="i2"><i>This</i> dual dance must be baddish to beat.</p> +<p>Beauty and Beast <i>vis-à-vis</i> in the dance,</p> +<p>Were scarce funnier partners than Russia and France.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Autocrat Bruin, can he really relish</p> +<p class="i2">The larkish high-kick, the tempestuous twirl,</p> +<p>That risky Republican dances embellish?</p> +<p class="i2">And she—a political "Wallflower," poor girl!—</p> +<p>Can she truly like the strange partner that fate</p> +<p>Apportions her, lumpish, unlovely, and late?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Like 'Arry and 'Arriet out for a frolic,</p> +<p class="i2">They've interchanged head-gear, by curious hap!</p> +<p>Of what is this strange substitution symbolic?</p> +<p class="i2">The Autocrat crown and the Phrygian cap</p> +<p>They've "swopped," but they both most uneasily sit,</p> +<p>And each for the other appears a poor fit.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>That Liberty cap upon Bruin's brown noddle!</p> +<p class="i2">That crown—much awry—on the Beauty's fair head!</p> +<p>Absurd! And the Bear's heavy lumbering waddle</p> +<p class="i2">Sorts oddly enough with the lady's light tread.</p> +<p>He won't get <i>her</i> step! Will she try to catch <i>his</i>?</p> +<p>As soon shall small beer take the sparkle of fizz.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Is she "soothing the Bear"—with a show of lip-honey?</p> +<p class="i2">Is he flattering the Bee—with an eye on the hive?</p> +<p>Sting hidden, claws sheathed—for how long? Well, 'tis funny,</p> +<p class="i2">This queer little game, whilst they keep it alive!</p> +<p>Dance-partnership is not "for better for worse,"</p> +<p>And "union of hearts" sometimes smacks of—the purse.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Twos and Threes" is a game to the playground familiar!</p> +<p class="i2">"Two's Company!" Yes, so, in this case, are Three!</p> +<p>Alliances frequently made willy-nilly are</p> +<p class="i2">Dual <i>or</i> Triple. The Eagles we see</p> +<p>Foregather; so may they not meet—in the dance—</p> +<p>The Big Northern Beast and the Beauty of France?</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>ANGELS.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I wonder if you give your mind</p> +<p class="i2">At all to angels. "Which?" you say?</p> +<p>Why, angels of the hymn-book kind,</p> +<p class="i2">Not imitation ones in clay.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I often do. They fascinate</p> +<p class="i2">My fancy to a strange degree;</p> +<p>And meditating much of late</p> +<p class="i2">There came two serious points to me.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You notice in the Holy Writ</p> +<p class="i2">Angels are never feminine;</p> +<p>But, wheresoever they may flit,</p> +<p class="i2"><i>He</i> came, <i>he</i> spake, <i>he</i> gave the sign.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The men who wrote of them were sage,</p> +<p class="i2">And knew their subject out and out;</p> +<p>But <i>we</i> live in a wicked age,</p> +<p class="i2">That twists the angels' sex about.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And painters paint them girls. And then</p> +<p class="i2">The question sets one's brains afire—</p> +<p>Why choristers on earth are men,</p> +<p class="i2">If women form the heavenly choir?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And if they <i>do</i> paint here or there</p> +<p class="i2">A man among the cherubim,</p> +<p>I claim to know why not a hair</p> +<p class="i2">May grow upon the face of him?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I know the Roman Church decreed</p> +<p class="i2">"A priest shall wear a shaven face."</p> +<p>But what of angels? There indeed</p> +<p class="i2">Razor and strop seem out of place.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Then why this hairless cheek and chin?</p> +<p class="i2">I ask, and Echo answers Why?</p> +<p>Have angel-cheeks no roots within?</p> +<p class="i2">—Here comes my keeper. So, good-bye!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Reckless.</span>—"Mr. <span class="sc">Allen</span>, Senator of Albraska, +a prominent silverite, spoke for +fifteen hours." "Speech is silver. Silence +golden." If all silverites go on at this length, +there'll be no silence, <i>ergo</i>, no gold. Q. E. D.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page187" id="page187"></a>[pg 187]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/187-1500.png"><img src="images/187-600.png" width="600" height="449" alt="'L'UNION FAIT LA-FARCE!'" /></a> +<h2>"L'UNION FAIT LA-F<span class="und">A</span>RCE!"</h2></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page188" id="page188"></a>[pg 188]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page189" id="page189"></a>[pg 189]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><h2 class="sans">"OUT FOR AN OTTER-DAY!"</h2> +<a href="images/189-1200.png"><img src="images/189-500.png" width="500" height="537" alt="'OUT FOR AN OTTER-DAY!'" /></a> +</div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>MY PRETTY JANE AT A LATER SEASON.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Respectfully submitted for the consideration of Mr. Sims Reeves.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>My pretty Jane, my pretty Jane,</p> +<p class="i2">You still, you still are looking shy!</p> +<p>You never met me in the evening</p> +<p class="i2">When the bloom was on the rye.</p> +<p>The year is waning fast, my love;</p> +<p class="i2">The leaves are in the sere;</p> +<p>The fog-horns now are humming, love;</p> +<p class="i2">And the moonshine's "moonshine," dear.</p> +<p>But, pretty Jane, my dearest Jane,</p> +<p class="i2">I never will "say die";—</p> +<p>Come, meet me, meet me in our parlour,</p> +<p class="i2">Where the bloom is on the fly.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Just name your day, that mother may</p> +<p class="i2">Produce her best in china things,</p> +<p>And stop yon man in apron white,</p> +<p class="i2">Whose muffin-bell, whose muffin-bell now rings.</p> +<p class="i4">The year is waning fast, &c.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1">"<span class="sc">A Triple Bill.</span>"—"The Home Rule +Bill," said Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> to his American +friends, "is not scotched. It is killed." Of +course our <span class="sc">Joe</span> knows that were it "scotched" +it would be only "half kilt." But the idea +of an Irish Bill being Scotched! Our only +<span class="sc">Joe</span> might have added that it was "Welsh'd" +in the Lords.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Phœbus, what a Name!</span>—Sir <span class="sc">Comer +Petheram</span>, Chief Justice of Bengal, is coming +home. Welcome, Sir <span class="sc">Home-Comer Petheram</span>. +Or, why not Sir <span class="sc">Homer Petheram</span> for +short?</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>TO A YOUNG COUNTRY FRIEND, AGED SEVEN.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Who whistled of Monte Carlo not wisely, but too well.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Sweet youth! I wonder if you'll feel much pain</p> +<p>To know that that sweet soul-inspiring strain</p> +<p>You whistle at so wonderful a rate</p> +<p>Is now in point of fact quite out of date.</p> +<p>Down in the country pr'aps you hardly know</p> +<p>At what a pace these street-songs come and go.</p> +<p>At present you're a day behind the fair,</p> +<p>And want (as I myself) a change of air.</p> +<p>You should protest you're being driven crazy</p> +<p>By waiting for the answer of fair <span class="sc">Daisy</span>;</p> +<p>Or else ask sadly what was she to do</p> +<p>Who, "silly girl," got taken on to Crewe.</p> +<p>Whistle <i>that</i> charming ditty, if you must,</p> +<p>Until, (forgive the phrase) until you bust,</p> +<p>But do <i>not</i> whistle, if you wish to rank</p> +<p>As in the know, "<i>The Man who broke the Bank</i>."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page190" id="page190"></a>[pg 190]</span> + +<h3 class="sans">UPON JULIA'S MOTHER.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>To depart presently.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Julia, I deemed that I had wed</p> +<p class="i2">Not thine, but only thee;</p> +<p>A child I wept my mother sped,</p> +<p>Thou'st given thine to me.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>She came as wandering sea-birds come</p> +<p class="i2">To rest upon a spar</p> +<p>Of ships that trail the lights of home</p> +<p class="i2">Where homeless billows are.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>From Aix-les-Bains to Harrogate,</p> +<p class="i2">From Bath to Tunbridge Wells,</p> +<p>She's sojourned in Imperial state,</p> +<p class="i2">Yet here content she dwells.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Content—and yet no truce with truth</p> +<p class="i2">Such Roman mothers know;</p> +<p>Quick to detect the faults of youth,</p> +<p class="i2">And prompt to tell us so.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I knew not I possess'd the charms</p> +<p class="i2">Her wandering will to bind,</p> +<p>To keep me from my <span class="sc">Julia's</span> arms,</p> +<p class="i2">And mould the baby's mind.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>When first I held thee to my breast</p> +<p class="i2">I little dreamt the day</p> +<p>Another bird would share the nest</p> +<p class="i2">As there content to stay.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Thy kindred, dear, I wooed not them,</p> +<p class="i2">Such wealth I'd fain resign;</p> +<p>Since I have won the brightest gem</p> +<p class="i2">I covet not the mine.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center">Mrs. R. says that when she +thinks the drains are likely to +be offensive she invariably uses +"bucolic."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/190-1000.png"><img src="images/190-400.png" width="400" height="498" alt="A CRISIS IN CONJUGAL LIFE." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">A CRISIS IN CONJUGAL LIFE.</h3> + +<p><i>Fond Husband.</i> "<span class="sc">Look here, Ethel, I see you daily getting +Thinner and Paler; you cannot Eat, you cannot Sleep, while I +find Life a burden to me. I can bear it no longer! Let us +make a Bargain. If you promise not to give me a Christmas +Present, I'll promise not to give <i>you</i> one. There!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>FAREWELL!</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>On hearing that snow had fallen in the North.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Snow has fallen, winter's due;</p> +<p>In the months that now ensue</p> +<p>Smoky fogs will hide the view,</p> +<p>Mud will get as thick as glue,</p> +<p>Rain, snow, hail will come in lieu</p> +<p>Of the warmth to which we grew</p> +<p>Quite accustomed, and will brew</p> +<p>Colds, coughs, influenza, rheumatism</p> +<p>to thrill us through.</p> +<p>Gone the sky of southern hue,</p> +<p>Cloudless space of cobalt blue!</p> +<p>Gone the nights so sultry—phew!</p> +<p>Quite without rheumatic dew.</p> +<p>Gone the days, when each anew</p> +<p>Seemed yet finer! In Corfu,</p> +<p>California, Peru,</p> +<p>This would not be strange, but true;</p> +<p>But the weatherwise at Kew</p> +<p>Say in England it is new.</p> +<p>Peerless summer, in these few</p> +<p>Lines we bid farewell to you!</p> +<p>Or as cockneys say, "Aydew!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1">A "<span class="sc">Shakspearian Student</span>" +wants to know "if, when +<i>Richard the Third</i> calls out 'A +horse, a horse, my kingdom for +a horse!' he is not alluding to +the Night-Mare from which he +is only just recovering." [Can't +say. Highly probable. So like +<span class="sc">Shakspeare</span>.—<span class="sc">Ed.</span>]</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1">Dear <span class="sc">Mr. P.</span>,—I believe you +do not know that Mrs. R. recently +visited Rome. She tells +me that she thinks it an excellent +thing that the Tontine +Marshes have been planted with +Apocalypses.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE CITY HORSE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>A Legend of the "Coming Ninth."</i>)</h4> + +<p>"You <i>must</i> let me have him on the day I have specified," said the +military-looking man, with an air of determination.</p> + +<p>"And you order this, Sir, after learning his history?" replied the +well-educated cabman. "You know that he has been in a +circus?"</p> + +<p>"I do; it is one of his greatest qualifications. A circus, I think +you said, where there was a brass band?"</p> + +<p>"Not only a brass band, but a very brassy band indeed; a brass +band all drum, trombone, and cymbal! A brass band that could be +heard for miles!"</p> + +<p>"And he bore it well?" asked the ex-soldier. "He did not mind +the noise?"</p> + +<p>"Not he," was the reply. "Why should he mind it? For remember +he was accustomed to insults from the clown. When a horse +regards insults from the clown with equanimity, you may be sure he +will object to nothing."</p> + +<p>"And what were the nature of these insults?" queried the +veteran warrior, with renewed interest. "Did the clown push him +about? Did he tell him to gee-up?"</p> + +<p>"Why, certainly. Had he been an unruly crowd at Blackheath on +a Bank Holiday, the clown could not have behaved worse. And +<i>Rufus</i>, poor beast! bore it all—six nights a week, with a <i>matinée</i> +thrown in on a Saturday—without complaining."</p> + +<p>"And you do not think he would mind being called 'cat's-meat?' +Not even by a rude boy?"</p> + +<p>"Bless you, Sir, it is what I often call him myself. <i>Rufus</i> is his +name, but cat's-meat is his nature. But don't you want him for +more than a day? Won't you buy him?"</p> + +<p>"No," returned the veteran soldier, sternly. "I only require him +for the Ninth."</p> + +<p>"He is getting too old for cabwork," argued the well-read driver. +"He would make a splendid charger for the adjutant of a Yeomanry +corps, and out of training might be put in the harness of a bathing-machine. +No, pray don't interrupt me, Sir. You are going to urge +that he would be useless in the winter. But no, Sir, you are wrong. +He might take round coal (in small quantities), when the nights +draw in. Can I not tempt you, Sir? You shall have him a bargain. +Shall we say a penny a pound?"</p> + +<p>"I have already told you," replied the warrior, "that I have +need of him only on the 9th. You understand, the 9th of next +month."</p> + +<p>The well-read cab-driver nodded, and the two men parted. It +was a bargain. <i>Rufus</i> (<i>alias</i> "Cat's-meat") was to be ready for +hire on the 9th of November.</p> + +<p>"What does he want to do with the brute?" the well-read cabman +asked himself again and again. "Surely he cannot mean to +ride it? And yet he desired to learn if <i>Rufus</i> were up to his +weight; and when I answered Yes, his eyes brightened, and he +regarded the animal with renewed interest."</p> + +<p>And all through the day the mystery puzzled him. He could not +solve the problem, try as he would. Suddenly, as he was discussing +a cup of tea in a shelter, a ray of light flooded his perplexed mind.</p> + +<p>"Eureka!" he exclaimed; "the warrior must have been the City +Marshal; and he wanted <i>Rufus</i> ('Cat's-meat'), of course, for the +Lord Mayor's Show!" And perhaps the cabman had guessed rightly. +Only the future can tell.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">A Question for Scotchmen.</span>—The Duke of <span class="sc">Athole</span> announces +that he is in future to be described as the Duke of <span class="sc">Atholl</span>. Why +has he changed his name? Because he canna thole it.</p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>A Duke cannot add to his stature a cubit,</p> +<p class="i2">Like the frog in the fable in vain he may swell;</p> +<p>And in vain does he alter his name with a new bit,</p> +<p class="i2">Its length is the same, though he tacks on an "l."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">M. Zola</span> is a Son of France. Around him are many literary +planets and stars, and imitators, shining with reflected light—the +French Zolar System. This is the Theory of <i>Mr. Punch</i>.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page191" id="page191"></a>[pg 191]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/191-1500.png"><img src="images/191-600.png" width="600" height="430" alt="LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS. A GOLF MEETING." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS. A GOLF MEETING.</h3></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page192" id="page192"></a>[pg 192]</span> + +<h3>A "FANTASTIC" ACTION.</h3> + +<blockquote><p>["A young lady of Newark while +dancing a few nights ago fell and +broke her leg, and she has now +commenced an action for damages +against her partner, to whom she +attributes the cause of the accident."—<i>Daily +Telegraph.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Oh, bother!" girls will sigh; "a fresh excuse</p> +<p class="i2">For men not fond of dancing to forsake us!</p> +<p>We fancy we can hear them say 'the deuce!</p> +<p>We can't dance <i>now</i>; to drop a girl might break us!'</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Now e'en 'the better sort,' who used to beg</p> +<p class="i2">To see our cards, will—or our wits deceive us—</p> +<p>Reflect that they may break a partner's leg,</p> +<p class="i2">And, choose, alas, to 'make a leg,' and leave us."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>DRAMA COLLEGE.</h3> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Establishment for Young +Ladies, and Preparatory +School for Little Boys</span>,</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Conducted by</i></p> + +<p class="center">THE MISSES MELPOMENE AND THALIA.</p> + +<p class="ind">The Curriculum includes +thorough grounding in Knowledge +of Life, and in High-class +Virtue and Honesty. The Pupils +are carefully restrained from +the practice of "unlovely +middle-class virtue." Severe +morality constantly inculcated. +Mere amusement strictly excluded. +Aristocratic Deportment +and Etiquette taught by +experienced Assistants.</p> + +<p class="author">For further particulars apply +to Mr. <span class="sc">Enry Hauthur Jones</span>.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/192-1000.png"><img src="images/192-400.png" width="400" height="512" alt="A PRICELESS POSSESSION." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">A PRICELESS POSSESSION.</h3> +<p><i>Mrs. Golightly.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, I hope you won't think it rude, but would +you mind telling me what that wonderful Black Stone you're +wearing is?</span>"</p> +<p><i>Mrs. Luxor.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, certainly. I find most People envy me that. +It's a piece of real English Coal!</span>"</p> +<p><i>Mrs. Golightly.</i> "<span class="sc">How wonderful! Ah, I Wish <i>my</i> Husband was +A Millionaire!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>AWFUL RESULT OF THE COAL FAMINE.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Upon an Ordinarily Innocent and Non-punning Fire-worshipper</i>).</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh! <i>what</i> a period! Strikes might puzzle <span class="sc">Solon</span>!</p> +<p class="i2">I love, in winter—having shut up shop—</p> +<p>My snug back-parlour fire to <i>semi-colon</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">Now there's no <i>colon</i>, fuel's at a <i>full-stop!</i></p> +<p>I have burned coke, wood, turf, aye, even slate,</p> +<p>But to <i>no</i> fire myself cannot a-comma-date!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind">"<span class="sc">Practical John.</span>"—Mr. +<span class="sc">Hollingshead's</span> advertisement, +headed "Plain Words to the +Public," is eminently characteristic +of the author. Says he, +"The prices I start with I shall +stand or fall by." Certainly, as +the prices are moderate, the +public will stand them, so he +needn't trouble himself on that +score. If he be riding for a +fall, and if the public won't +come down heavily, let us hope, +if he fall at all, he will come +down lightly. Then he adds, in +his own independent way, "If +it is thought necessary to tamper +with these prices in an upward +direction" ["tampering upward" +is pretty], "I shall give +up this, my final effort in +theatrical management" [Oh, +no, don't!—please don't!!], +"and walk out of the building." +Why "walk"? By his +own free admission he will be +driven out (which sounds like +a contradiction in terms), so +why make a virtue of walking +out. Never walk when you can +ride. But J. H. walk out!! +"<i>J. H. y suis et J. H. y +reste.</i>"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL WORKING-MAN.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>As described by Sir E. Arnold at Birmingham.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>A wonderful joy our eyes to bless,</p> +<p>In his magnificent happiness,</p> +<p>Is the working-man of whom I sing,</p> +<p>Who fares more royally than a king.</p> +<p class="i2">Seeing his "board" Sir <span class="sc">Edwin's</span> floored—</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Hors d'œuvres</i>, soup, fish, <i>entrée</i>, joint, game, ices.</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Ab ovo</i> nothing has been ignored</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Usque ad malum</i>, not minding prices.</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Augustus</span> might have have his sight</p> +<p class="i4">Reading with only a lamp or taper;</p> +<p class="i2">The working-man's electric light</p> +<p class="i4">Glows on immaculate daily paper.</p> +<p>Go search in <span class="sc">Mommsen's</span> history,</p> +<p>Then come you home and sing with me—</p> +<p>No life of emperor could, or can,</p> +<p>Be bright as that of the working-man!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Machinery turns his toil to art."</p> +<p><span class="sc">Burne-Jones</span> and <span class="sc">Morris</span> at this would start.</p> +<p>Though the "Arts and Crafts" be with horror dumb,</p> +<p>A Birmingham Parthenon yet may come!</p> +<p class="i2">The School Board's pains mature his brains,</p> +<p class="i4">Masses beat classes—he'll soon annul us.</p> +<p class="i2">Never went—as he goes—in trains</p> +<p class="i4"><span class="sc">Heliogabalus</span> or <span class="sc">Lucullus</span>.</p> +<p class="i2">He, should he care, can daily stare</p> +<p class="i4">At statues draped by dear Mrs. <span class="sc">Grundy</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">And ride in trams for a halfpenny fare,</p> +<p class="i4">And "wire" for sixpence, except on Sunday.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>His letters traverse the ocean wave.</p> +<p><i>Note.</i>—If a penny you fail to save,</p> +<p>To <span class="sc">Henniker-Heaton</span> please apply,</p> +<p>And he will discover the reason why.</p> +<p class="i2">Rich in the things contentment brings,</p> +<p class="i4">In every pure enjoyment wealthy,</p> +<p class="i2">But is he as gay as the poet sings,</p> +<p class="i4">In body and mind as hale and healthy?</p> +<p class="i2">In silence adept, he has certainly kept</p> +<p class="i4">So extremely quiet we should not know it.</p> +<p class="i2">Yet he "as authorities mayn't accept"</p> +<p class="i4">Such blooming blokes as an Eastern poet.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Oh What a Sir Pryce!</span>—Sir <span class="sc">Pryce</span> +<span class="sc">Pryce-Jones</span>, M.P. for the Montgomery +Boroughs, has received a testimonial from his +constituents. That is to say, because he has +been a nice-<span class="sc">Pryce-Jones</span> they have made him +a prize-<span class="sc">Pryce-Jones</span>. Bravo, Sir <span class="sc">Twice-Pryce-Jones</span>!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Suggestion to Provincial Lawn-Tennis +Club.</span>—Why not give Lawn-Tennis Balls in +Costume during the winter?</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>QUOTH DUNRAVEN, NEVERMORE!</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There's many a slip 'twixt "cup" and lip!</p> +<p class="i2">Is there not, good <span class="sc">Dunraven</span>?</p> +<p>You'll take your Transatlantic trip</p> +<p class="i2">Like sportsman, not like craven.</p> +<p>The "centre-board" against the keel</p> +<p class="i2">Has won. On woe we sup, Sir!</p> +<p>As in old nursery rhyme we feel</p> +<p class="i2">"The 'dish' ran away with the—cup," Sir!</p> +<p>The Valkyries, those valiant dames,</p> +<p class="i2">Success might sure have wished us;</p> +<p>But the <i>Vigilant</i>, our yacht-builders shames.</p> +<p class="i2">The "Yankee Dish" has—dished us!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>TO "HANS BREITMANN."</h3> + +<blockquote><p>[Mr. <span class="sc">C. G. Leland</span>, in his recently-published +<i>Memoirs</i>, informs us of his very early appreciation +of the formula, "I am I—I am myself—I +myself I."]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>You, from mirth to logic turning,</p> +<p class="i2">Doubly proved yourself the right man,</p> +<p>By your wondrous breadth of learning,</p> +<p class="i2">For the title of "der Breitmann."</p> +<p>Yes, the lore and fun within you</p> +<p class="i2">Show us yearly greater reasons</p> +<p>Why we wish you to continue</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Quite yourself</i> for farther seasons.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<table summary="tn" align="center" style="margin-top: 3em;"> +<tr> + <td class="note"> + +<p>Transcriber's Note:</p> + +<p>Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired.</p> + +<p>Page 192: Extra 'have' removed.</p> +<p>"AUGUSTUS might have (have) hurt his sight".</p> + + </td> +</tr> +</table> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, +October 21st 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39351-h.htm or 39351-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/5/39351/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, October 21st 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: April 2, 2012 [EBook #39351] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, October 21st 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration: THE SHAFTESBURY FOUNTAIN AGAIN. + +SENSATIONAL INCIDENT IN PICCADILLY CIRCUS, AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST.] + + * * * * * + +THE WAR IN SOUTH AMERICA. + +(_From our Correspondent on the Spot._) + + _There or Thereabouts, Saturday._ + +I hope you will not believe all you hear. I am told that the messages +are tampered with, but this I trust to get through the lines without +difficulty. It is being carried by a professional brigand disguised as +a monk. + +First let me disabuse the minds of your readers about the blowing up +of the hospital. It is quite true that the place was sent spinning +into the air. But the patients were put to the minimum of +inconvenience. They were removed from the wards without being called +upon to quit their beds. They went somewhere after returning to the +ground, but where I do not know. Some of the local doctors say that +the change of air (caused by the explosion) may have done them good. +It is not impossible. + +I am glad to be able to contradict the report that the Stock Exchange +and the apple-stall at the corner were both bombarded. This is a +deliberate falsehood. The Stock Exchange, it is true, was razed to the +ground, but the apple-stall escaped uninjured. This is an example of +the reckless fashion in which reports are circulated. + +Then about the burning of the city. It is certainly true that the +place was set alight in two hundred places at once. But the day was +cold, and I think it was only done because the troops wanted to warm +their hands. You must not believe all you hear, and it is unwise to +impute motives before receiving explanations. The people here are +warm-hearted and sympathetic, and the soldiers (as a body) are the +mildest-mannered persons imaginable. + +And the report about the blowing-up of the bridges. Here again there +has been gross exaggeration. The bed of the river, in spite of reports +to the contrary, was left undisturbed. Only the stone-work was sent +spinning, and yet some reporters insist that everything was blown into +smithereens! Reporters really should be more careful. + +And now I must conclude, as my brigand, disguised as a priest, is just +off. + +As a parting request, I would urge upon my stockbrokers to buy. We +are sure to have a rise presently, and I predict this with the +greater confidence as I know that the house in which I am writing is +undermined. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WASTED SWEETNESS. + +A HEARTRENDING STUDY OF SHADOW ON THE UNDERGROUND RAILWAY!] + + * * * * * + +The _P. M. Magazine_ goes in for discussion of Bi-metallism. Sir JOHN +LUBBOCK writes about "The Case for Gold," and Mr. VICARY GIBBS, M.P., +about "The Case for Silver." Considering the relative value of the +metals, the case for gold ought to be out and away the stronger of the +two, impregnable, and burglar-proof, so that it could be advertised +thus: "It's no use having gold unless you have Sir JOHN LUBBOCK'S +'case for gold' to keep it in." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHEMOTH AND THE LION; OR, SPEARS AND QUILLS. + +_A Fable for Pseudo-Philanthropists._ + +_Philanthropist Press-Man._ "OH STOP, STOP, MISTER LION! WAIT A BIT! +PERHAPS THE PRETTY CREATURE MEANS NO HARM!" + +_Leo (curtly)._ "_LOOK AT HIS TEETH!_"] + +[Mr. RIDER HAGGARD (writing to the _Times_) remarks that a +considerable section of the English Press seems to be of opinion that +LOBENGULA is an innocent and worthy savage, on whom a quarrel is +being forced by the Chartered Company for its own mercenary ends. +He suggests that the appearance of an armed Matabele impi in Mayfair +might alter their views.] + + "Behemoth is big and black, and monstrous-mouthed and toothfull, + But to say he is carnivorous were cruelly untruthful!" + So quoth the Querulous Quillman, or Pen-armed Philanthropist, + Whose intellect seems ever in a sentimental mist. + Now Leo, little given to read books on Natural History, + Was watchful of Dame Nature's _facts_. "It seems to me a mystery + My querulous Press Porcupine," observed the wary Lion, + "That what you've set your heart on, you can never keep clear eye + on. + _Look at his teeth!_" "Oh, nonsense!" cried the Querulous + Quillman, quoting + From a book on Big Mammalia, to which he'd been devoting + All his odd moments recently. "Those tusks may look terrific, + But the monster's graminivorous, and pleasant, and pacific. + They're solely meant for cutting grass! Huge uppers and big lowers, + Though threatening as ripping-saws, are harmless as lawn-mowers. + As weapons of offence they're seldom used, so here 'tis stated, + 'Unless the creature's wounded sore, or greatly irritated.' + He is innocent and worthy, this Titanic-jawed Colossus. + Those gleaming tusks won't 'chump' you, he won't trample us, or + toss us, + Unless we interfere with him. He likes to stand there grinning, + With those terrible incisors, in a way which mayn't be winning, + Still, _'tis but his style of smiling_, and it's not his fault, + poor fellow! + If his maw's a crimson cavern, and his tusks are huge and yellow." + + Behemoth meanwhile snorted in his own earthquaky fashion, + And yawned, and lashed and trampled like a tiger in a passion. + By the gleaming of his optics, and the clashing of his tushes, + He _seemed_ to be preparing for the Ugliest of Rushes. + Quoth Leo, "Good friend Porcupine, you _may_ be quite prophetic, + And I a bit 'too previous.' Your picture's most pathetic; + But I've seen your pachydermatous Poor Innocent when furious, + And for a gentle graminivorous creature, it is curious + How he'll run amuck like a Malay, and crunch canoes and foes up, + With those same tusks, which might have made a Mammoth turn his + toes up. + So if you please, friend Porcupine, your quills I shall not trust + again + To meet those spears, which hate would wash--in blood, 'ere they + should rust again. + Mere quills won't quell an Impi, or make Behemoth good-neighbourly. + Leo must guard this spot, where British enterprise and labour lie, + The Monster seems to meditate attack, if _I_ may judge of him, + So let _me_ have the first slap at, whilst you keep on scribbling + fudge of him! + + MORAL. + + It may appear superfluous to point this fable's moral; + But--teeth that could crush chain-mail seem scarce shaped for + mumbling coral! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WEIGHTY PROSPECT. + +_The Captain (who has just been giving a spin to his last purchase, +for his Wife's inspection)._ "GOOD GOER, AIN'T HE? AND A FULL +FOURTEEN-STONE HORSE, YOU KNOW!" + +_Young Wife (as yet somewhat innocent in horsey matters)._ "OH, +I'M SURE HE'S _MORE_ THAN THAT, DEAR. WHY, _MAMMA_ WEIGHS NEARLY AS +MUCH!"] + + + * * * * * + +A LETTER HOME. + +(_From our Youngest Contributor._) + +MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--This is about the last letter you will receive +from me. I know it is, as all will soon be over! And I shall be glad +of it. I can't last out until the Christmas holidays. Who could with +such food? Why, it would make a dog cough! + +It's no use learning anything. Why should I, when it will be all over +almost directly? What's the good of Latin and Greek if you are going +to chuck it almost at once? And mathematics, too! What use are they if +the end is near? It's all very well to cram, but what's the good of it +when you know you won't survive to eat the plum pudding? + +There's no news. There's never any news. SMITH Minor has got his +cap for football, and SNOOKS Major is going up to Oxford instead of +Cambridge. What does it matter when the beef is so tough that you +might sole your boots with it? And as for the mutton! Well, all I can +say is, that it isn't fit for human food, and the authorities should +be told about it. As for me, I am passing away. No one will ever see +me more. For all that, you might send me a hamper. Your affectionate +friend, + + JACKY. + + * * * * * + +STAR-GAZING. + +["Astronomy has become a deservedly fashionable hobby with young +ladies."] + + My love is an astronomer, + Whose knowledge I rely on, + She'll talk about, as I prefer, + The satellites of Jupiter, + The nebulous Orion. + + When evening shades about us fall + Each hour too quickly passes. + We take no heed of time at all, + When studying celestial + Phenomena through glasses. + + The salient features we descry + Of all the starry pattern; + To see with telescopic eye + The citizens of Mars we try, + Or speculate on Saturn. + + To find another planet still + If ever we're enabled, + The world discovered by her skill + As "ANGELINA TOMKYNS" will + Triumphantly be labelled. + + The likeness of the stars elsewhere + By day we view between us, + We recognise the Greater Bear, + I grieve to say, in TOMKYNS _pere_, + And close at hand is Venus! + + In fact, the editorial note + Above, which is of course meant + To lead more ladies to devote + Attention to the stars, I quote + With cordial endorsement! + + * * * * * + +"IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET!"--Which is the right way of spelling the +name of the Prophet of Islam? Is it MOHAMMED? MAHOMET? MUHAMMED? +or MAHOMED? Are his followers Mohammedans? Mahommedans? Mahometans? +Moslems? Mussulmen? or Muslims? Perhaps, to adapt _Mr. Mantalini's_ +famous summary, and merely substituting "all" for "both," and "none +of 'em" for "neither," we may say "So all are right, and none of 'em +wrong, upon our life and soul, O demmit!" + + * * * * * + + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE IX.--CHARLES COLLIMORE'S _Sitting-room at Keppel Street, +Bloomsbury_. TIME--_Saturday afternoon_. + +_Mrs. Cagney_ (_the landlady, showing_ Mr. TOOVEY _in_). Oh, I thought +Mr. COLLIMORE had come in, Sir, but I expect him in every minute. Will +you take a seat? + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_sitting down_). Thank you, I'm in no hurry--no hurry at +all. (_To himself._) CORNELIA wished me to put a few questions quietly +to the landlady. I suppose I'd better do it while----(_Aloud._) Hem, +I hope, Ma'am, that you find Mr. COLLIMORE a--an unexceptionable +lodger--in all respects? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_crossing her hands stiffly in front of her_). Mr. +COLLIMORE conducks hisself as a gentleman, and treats me as a lady, +which is all _my_ requirements. + +_Mr. Toov._ Quite so--very satisfactory, I'm sure, but--does he keep +fairly regular hours? Or is he at all inclined to be--er--fast? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_on her guard_). I can't answer for the time his watch +keeps, myself. I dessay it goes as reg'lar as what most do. + +_Mr. Toov._ No, no; I was referring to his habits. I mean--does he +usually spend his evenings quietly at home? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ You'll excuse _me_, but if you're arsking me all these +questions out of mere himpertinent curiosity---- + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I trust I have a higher motive, Ma'am. In fact, I may +as well tell you I am Mr. COLLIMORE'S uncle. + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_to herself_). The old fox! So he's trying to ferret out +something against him, is he? Well, he _won't_--that's all. (_Aloud._) +If you _are_ his huncle, Sir, all I can say is, you've got a nephew to +be proud on. I wouldn't wish to let my first floor to a steadier or +a more industrious young gentleman; comes in punctual to a tick every +night of his life and 'as his dinner, and sets studyin' his book till +'alf-past ten, which is his bed-time. I don't know what more you want. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). This is really very satisfactory--if I +could only believe it. (_Aloud._) But do I understand you to say that +that is his invariable practice? Occasionally, I suppose, he goes out +to a place of amusement--such as a music-hall, now? + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_to herself_). Well, he may; and why not? He don't get +into no mischief, though light-'earted. _I_ ain't going to give him +a bad name. (_Aloud._) Lor, Sir, don't you go and put such ideas into +his 'ed. Bless your 'art alive, if he knows there _are_ such places, +it's as much as he does know! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_testily_). Now, now, my good woman, I'm afraid you're +trying to deceive me. I happen to know more about my nephew's tastes +and pursuits than you imagine. + +_Mrs. Cagn._ (_roused_). Then, if you know so much, whatever do you +come 'ere and ask _me_ for? It's my belief you ain't up to no good, +for all you look so respectable, comin' into my 'ouse a-pokin' +your nose into what don't concern you, for all the world like a +poll-pryin', sneakin' Russian spy! + +_Charles_ (_entering behind her_). Hallo, Mrs. CAGNEY, what's +all this--who's a Russian spy, eh? (_Recognising_ MR. TOOVEY.) +What--Uncle! you don't mean to say it's _you_? + + [Mr. TOOVEY _stands stricken with confusion_. + +_Mrs. Cagn._ I may have spoke too free, Mr. COLLIMORE, Sir, but when +a party, as is elderly enough to know better, tries to put under'and +questions to me about where and 'ow any o' my gentlemen pass their +hevenins, and if they go to the music-'all and what not--why, I put it +to you---- + +_Charles._ All right, Mrs. CAGNEY, put it to me some other time; you +didn't understand my uncle, that's all--you needn't stay. Oh, by +the way, I'm dining out again this evening. Tell CAGNEY to leave the +chain, as I may be late. (_After_ Mrs. C. _has retired_.) Well, Uncle, +I'm afraid your diplomacy hasn't had quite the success it deserved. + +[Illustration: "Mr. Collimore conducks hisself as a gentleman, and +treats me as a lady."] + +_Mr. Toov._ (_sheepishly_). I assure you, my boy, that I--I was not +inquiring for my own satisfaction. Your Aunt is naturally anxious to +know how you---- But your landlady gave you an excellent character. + +_Charles._ She didn't seem to be equally complimentary to _you_, +Uncle. "A Russian spy," wasn't it? But really, you know, you might +have come to me for any information you require. _I_ don't mind +telling you all there is to tell. And surely Aunt knows I've been to a +music-hall; why, she pitched into me about it enough last Sunday! + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I think she wanted to know whether you went frequently, +CHARLES, or only that once. + +_Charles._ Oh, and so she sent you up to pump my landlady? Well, I'll +tell you exactly how it is. I don't set up to be a model young man +like your friend CURPHEW. I don't spend all my evenings in this +cheerful and luxurious apartment. Now and then I find the splendour of +the surroundings rather too much for me, and I'm ready to go anywhere, +even to a music-hall, for a change. There, I blush to say, I spend an +hour or two, smoking cigars, and even drinking a whisky and soda, or +a lemon squash, listening to middle-aged ladies in sun-bonnets and +accordion skirts singing out of tune. I don't know that they amuse +me much, but, at all events, they're livelier than Mrs. CAGNEY. I'm +dining out to-night, at the Criterion, with a man at the office, and +it's as likely as not we shall go in to the Valhalla or the Eldorado +afterwards. There, you can't say I'm concealing anything from you. And +I don't see why you should groan like that, Uncle. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_feebly_). I--I'd rather you didn't go to the--the +Eldorado, CHARLES. + +_Charles._ There's ingratitude! I thought you'd be touched by my +devotion. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). I _can't_ tell him I was thinking of going +there myself! (_Aloud._) You will show your devotion best by keeping +away. The less young men go to such places, my boy, the better! + +_Charles._ Not for _you_, Uncle. You forget that it's the humble five +bob of fellows like me that help to provide your next dividend. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_wincing_). Don't, CHARLES, it--it's ungenerous and +undutiful to reproach me with being a shareholder when you know how +innocently I became one! + +_Charles._ But I _wasn't_ reproaching you, Uncle, it was rather +the other way round, wasn't it? And really, considering you _are_ a +shareholder in the Eldorado, it's a little too strong to condemn me +for merely going there. + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I may not be a shareholder long, CHARLES. Unless I can +conscientiously feel able to retain my shares I shall take the first +opportunity of selling them. + +_Charles._ But why, Uncle? Better stick to them now you have got them! + +_Mr. Toov._ What? with the knowledge that I was profiting by practices +I disapproved of? Never, CHARLES! + +_Charles._ But you can't _sell_ without making a profit, you know; +they've gone up tremendously. + +_Mr. Toov._ Oh, dear me! Then, do you mean that I shouldn't even +be morally justified in selling them? Oh, you don't think _that_, +CHARLES? + +_Charles._ That's a point you must settle for yourself, Uncle, it's +beyond me. But, as a dutiful nephew, don't you see, I'm bound to do +all I can in the meantime to keep up the receipts for you, if I have +to go to the Eldorado every evening and get all the fellows I know to +go too. Mustn't let those shares go down, whether you hold on or sell, +eh? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_horrified_). Don't make me an excuse for encouraging +young men to waste precious time in idleness and folly. I won't allow +it--it's abominable, Sir! You've put me in such a state of perplexity +by all this, CHARLES, I--I hardly know where I am! Tell me, are you +really going to the Eldorado this evening? + +_Charles._ I can't say; it depends on the other fellow. But I will if +I can get him to go, for your sake. And I'm afraid I ought to go and +change, Uncle, if you'll excuse me. Make yourself as comfortable as +you can. Here's to-day's _Pink 'Un_, if you haven't seen it. + +_Mr. Toov._ I'm not in the habit of seeing such periodicals, Sir. And +I must be going. Oh, by the bye, your Aunt wished me to ask you to +come down and dine and sleep on Monday next. THEA will be back, and I +believe Mr. CURPHEW has got a free evening for once. Shall I tell her +you will come, CHARLES? + +_Charles._ Thanks; I'll come with pleasure. But, I say, Aunt doesn't +want to give me another lecture, I hope? After all, she can't say much +if you've told her about those shares, as I suppose you have. + +_Mr. Toov._ N--not yet, CHARLES. I have not found a convenient +opportunity. There, I can't stay--good-bye, my boy. + + [_He takes his leave._ + +END OF SCENE IX. + + +SCENE X.--_In the Street._ + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_to himself_). I'm afraid CHARLES has lost every +particle of respect for me. I wish I had never told him about those +wretched shares. And what _am_ I to do now? If I go to this Eldorado +place, he may be there too; and, if he sees me, I shall never hear the +last of it! And yet my mind will never be easy unless I do go and see +for myself what it really is like. That young CURPHEW expects me to +go. But I don't know, I do so dread the idea of going--alone, too! +I should like to ask somebody else what he thinks I ought to +do--somebody who is a man of the world. I wonder if I went to see +LARKINS--he won't be in his office so late as this, but I might +catch him in his chambers. It was all through him I got into this +difficulty; he ought to help me out of it if he can. I really think I +might take a cab and drive to Piccadilly, on the chance. + + [_He hails a Hansom, and drives off._ + +END OF SCENE X. + + * * * * * + +CARR-ACTORS AT "THE COMEDY." + +When we have two original plays like PINERO'S _Second Mrs. Tanqueray_ +and GRUNDY'S _Sowing the Wind_, we may congratulate ourselves that +they do _not_ "do these things better in France." _Mrs. Tanqueray_ is +a life-like tragedy, and _Sowing the Wind_ a life-like comedy. It was +a pleasure to congratulate Mr. ALEXANDER at the St. James's on his +choice of a piece, and of the company to suit it, especially on the +engagement of Mrs. PATRICK CAMPBELL for the heroine; and now it is +equally pleasant to congratulate a _confrere_ in literature, Mr. +COMYNS CARR, on having made so eminently successful a _debut_ in +theatrical management, as he has done in choice of the piece and of +the company to play it. + +[Illustration: A Portrait from M-Emery. Emery Powder and polish'd +performance.] + +It is a canon of comedy-construction that from the first, the audience +should be let into the secret of the _denouement_, but that they +should be puzzled as to the means by which that end is to be achieved. +This play is an excellent example of the rule. Everybody knows who the +heroine is from the moment of her appearance; but as to how she, the +illegitimate daughter, is to be recognised and acknowledged by her +father, this is the problem that no one except the dramatist, in +the course of four acts, can solve. It is a very clever piece of +workmanship. In these modern matter-of-fact realistic days, fancy +the awful danger to any play in which a father has to discover his +long-lost child! The strawberry mark on the left arm, the amulet, +the duplicate miniature of the mother--these ways and means, and many +others, must occur to the playgoer, and must have presented themselves +at the outset to the author, flattering himself on his originality, as +difficulties almost insuperable because so stagey, so worn threadbare, +so out of date. + +Over these difficulties Mr. GRUNDY has triumphed, and with him triumph +the actors and the stage-manager; as, for the most part, except when +there is a needless conventional "taking the centre" for supposed +effect, the stage management is as admirable as the acting and the +dialogue, which is saying a great deal, but not a bit too much. + +[Illustration: BRANDON AND MONKEY BRAND-ON. + +_Mr. Brandon Thomas Brabazon_ (_to Cyril Maude Watkin_). "I know that +face. I've seen it on the hoardings." + +_Watkin_ (_faintly_). "It won't wash!" + + [_Collapses._ + +] + +Mr. BRANDON THOMAS and Miss EMERY have never done anything better. The +former with his peculiar north-country "burr," and with his collars +and general make up reminding many of the G. O. M., whilst Mr. IAN +ROBERTSON as the wicked old Lord is not unlike the pictures of the +Iron Duke when Lord DOURO. Mr. EDMUND MAURICE, as representing the +slangy, sporting, about-town Baronet of the Tom-and-Jerry day, is +a kind of _Goldfinch_ in _The Road to Ruin_, with a similar kind of +catchword, which I suppose, on Mr. GRUNDY'S authority [though I do not +remember the expression nor the use of the word "chuck" in _Tom and +Jerry_--the authority for Georgian era slang] was one of the slang +phrases of that period. For my part (a very small part), I am inclined +to credit Mr. GRUNDY with the invention of "smash my topper," and of +the introduction of "chuck it" into eighteenth century London slang. + +Admirable are the quaint sketches of character given by Miss ROSE +LECLERCQ and Miss ANNIE HUGHES. Manly and lover-like is Mr. SYDNEY +BROUGH. In the dramatic unfolding of the plot, faultlessly acted as +it is, the audience from first to last are thoroughly interested. +Here and there, speeches and scenes would be all the better for some +judicious excision. When you are convinced, further argument weakens +the case, and I confess I should like to hear that ten minutes' worth +of dialogue had been taken out of the parts played by Mr. BRANDON +THOMAS and Miss WINIFRED EMERY. But this is a small matter--a very +small matter. To sum up, it is good work and good play, and so the new +manager and lessee is at this present moment a Triumphal CARR. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Portrait of the Great Duke of Wellington, when Marquis +of Douro, by Mr. Ian Robertson.] + + * * * * * + +_Q._ Why was there at one time a chance of the _Times_, which has +always been up to date, ever being behind time?--_A._ Because formerly +there was so much _Delayin!!_ + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR LADIES WHO "GRUB SHORT" TO AVOID OBESITY.--Grace before +Meat! + + * * * * * + +Nulli Secundus. + +(_By a Lover of the Links._) + + Lyttleton asks--great cricketer, for shame!-- + If Golf--Great Scot!!!--is quite "a first-class game." + Well, if first-class it cannot quite be reckoned, + 'Tis that it stands alone, and hath no second! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROTEST. + +"AND PRAY, AM I _NEVER_ TO BE NAUGHTY, MISS GRIMM?"] + + * * * * * + +"L'UNION FAIT LA--FARCE!" + + ["France turns from her abandoned friends afresh And soothes + the Bear that prowls for patriot flesh." + + --CAMPBELL.] + + Yes, history here doth repeat itself verily! + Fancy fair France, in Republican rig, + "Soothing the Bear" again; footing it merrily + In--well now, what _is_ the name of this jig? + _Cancan_, or _Carmagnole_? Blend of the two? + Anyhow, 'tis a most strange "_Pas de Deux_"! + + Policy makes pride and principles plastic, + And 'tis most true that extremes often meet; + Yet as a sample of joint "Light Fantastic" + _This_ dual dance must be baddish to beat. + Beauty and Beast _vis-a-vis_ in the dance, + Were scarce funnier partners than Russia and France. + + Autocrat Bruin, can he really relish + The larkish high-kick, the tempestuous twirl, + That risky Republican dances embellish? + And she--a political "Wallflower," poor girl!-- + Can she truly like the strange partner that fate + Apportions her, lumpish, unlovely, and late? + + Like 'Arry and 'Arriet out for a frolic, + They've interchanged head-gear, by curious hap! + Of what is this strange substitution symbolic? + The Autocrat crown and the Phrygian cap + They've "swopped," but they both most uneasily sit, + And each for the other appears a poor fit. + + That Liberty cap upon Bruin's brown noddle! + That crown--much awry--on the Beauty's fair head! + Absurd! And the Bear's heavy lumbering waddle + Sorts oddly enough with the lady's light tread. + He won't get _her_ step! Will she try to catch _his_? + As soon shall small beer take the sparkle of fizz. + + Is she "soothing the Bear"--with a show of lip-honey? + Is he flattering the Bee--with an eye on the hive? + Sting hidden, claws sheathed--for how long? Well, 'tis funny, + This queer little game, whilst they keep it alive! + Dance-partnership is not "for better for worse," + And "union of hearts" sometimes smacks of--the purse. + + "Twos and Threes" is a game to the playground familiar! + "Two's Company!" Yes, so, in this case, are Three! + Alliances frequently made willy-nilly are + Dual _or_ Triple. The Eagles we see + Foregather; so may they not meet--in the dance-- + The Big Northern Beast and the Beauty of France? + + * * * * * + +ANGELS. + + I wonder if you give your mind + At all to angels. "Which?" you say? + Why, angels of the hymn-book kind, + Not imitation ones in clay. + + I often do. They fascinate + My fancy to a strange degree; + And meditating much of late + There came two serious points to me. + + You notice in the Holy Writ + Angels are never feminine; + But, wheresoever they may flit, + _He_ came, _he_ spake, _he_ gave the sign. + + The men who wrote of them were sage, + And knew their subject out and out; + But _we_ live in a wicked age, + That twists the angels' sex about. + + And painters paint them girls. And then + The question sets one's brains afire-- + Why choristers on earth are men, + If women form the heavenly choir? + + And if they _do_ paint here or there + A man among the cherubim, + I claim to know why not a hair + May grow upon the face of him? + + I know the Roman Church decreed + "A priest shall wear a shaven face." + But what of angels? There indeed + Razor and strop seem out of place. + + Then why this hairless cheek and chin? + I ask, and Echo answers Why? + Have angel-cheeks no roots within? + --Here comes my keeper. So, good-bye! + + * * * * * + +RECKLESS.--"Mr. ALLEN, Senator of Albraska, a prominent silverite, +spoke for fifteen hours." "Speech is silver. Silence golden." If all +silverites go on at this length, there'll be no silence, _ergo_, no +gold. Q. E. D. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "L'UNION FAIT LA-FARCE!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OUT FOR AN OTTER-DAY!"] + + * * * * * + +MY PRETTY JANE AT A LATER SEASON. + +(_Respectfully submitted for the consideration of Mr. Sims Reeves._) + + My pretty Jane, my pretty Jane, + You still, you still are looking shy! + You never met me in the evening + When the bloom was on the rye. + The year is waning fast, my love; + The leaves are in the sere; + The fog-horns now are humming, love; + And the moonshine's "moonshine," dear. + But, pretty Jane, my dearest Jane, + I never will "say die";-- + Come, meet me, meet me in our parlour, + Where the bloom is on the fly. + + Just name your day, that mother may + Produce her best in china things, + And stop yon man in apron white, + Whose muffin-bell, whose muffin-bell now rings. + The year is waning fast, &c. + + * * * * * + +"A TRIPLE BILL."--"The Home Rule Bill," said Mr. CHAMBERLAIN to his +American friends, "is not scotched. It is killed." Of course our JOE +knows that were it "scotched" it would be only "half kilt." But the +idea of an Irish Bill being Scotched! Our only JOE might have added +that it was "Welsh'd" in the Lords. + + * * * * * + +PH[OE]BUS, WHAT A NAME!--Sir COMER PETHERAM, Chief Justice of Bengal, +is coming home. Welcome, Sir HOME-COMER PETHERAM. Or, why not Sir +HOMER PETHERAM for short? + + * * * * * + +TO A YOUNG COUNTRY FRIEND, AGED SEVEN. + +(_Who whistled of Monte Carlo not wisely, but too well._) + + Sweet youth! I wonder if you'll feel much pain + To know that that sweet soul-inspiring strain + You whistle at so wonderful a rate + Is now in point of fact quite out of date. + Down in the country pr'aps you hardly know + At what a pace these street-songs come and go. + At present you're a day behind the fair, + And want (as I myself) a change of air. + You should protest you're being driven crazy + By waiting for the answer of fair DAISY; + Or else ask sadly what was she to do + Who, "silly girl," got taken on to Crewe. + Whistle _that_ charming ditty, if you must, + Until, (forgive the phrase) until you bust, + But do _not_ whistle, if you wish to rank + As in the know, "_The Man who broke the Bank_." + + * * * * * + +UPON JULIA'S MOTHER. + +(_To depart presently._) + + Julia, I deemed that I had wed + Not thine, but only thee; + A child I wept my mother sped, + Thou'st given thine to me. + + She came as wandering sea-birds come + To rest upon a spar + Of ships that trail the lights of home + Where homeless billows are. + + From Aix-les-Bains to Harrogate, + From Bath to Tunbridge Wells, + She's sojourned in Imperial state, + Yet here content she dwells. + + Content--and yet no truce with truth + Such Roman mothers know; + Quick to detect the faults of youth, + And prompt to tell us so. + + I knew not I possess'd the charms + Her wandering will to bind, + To keep me from my JULIA'S arms, + And mould the baby's mind. + + When first I held thee to my breast + I little dreamt the day + Another bird would share the nest + As there content to stay. + + Thy kindred, dear, I wooed not them, + Such wealth I'd fain resign; + Since I have won the brightest gem + I covet not the mine. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. R. says that when she thinks the drains are likely to be +offensive she invariably uses "bucolic." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CRISIS IN CONJUGAL LIFE. + +_Fond Husband._ "LOOK HERE, ETHEL, I SEE YOU DAILY GETTING THINNER AND +PALER; YOU CANNOT EAT, YOU CANNOT SLEEP, WHILE I FIND LIFE A BURDEN TO +ME. I CAN BEAR IT NO LONGER! LET US MAKE A BARGAIN. IF YOU PROMISE NOT +TO GIVE ME A CHRISTMAS PRESENT, I'LL PROMISE NOT TO GIVE _YOU_ ONE. +THERE!"] + + * * * * * + +FAREWELL! + +(_On hearing that snow had fallen in the North._) + + Snow has fallen, winter's due; + In the months that now ensue + Smoky fogs will hide the view, + Mud will get as thick as glue, + Rain, snow, hail will come in lieu + Of the warmth to which we grew + Quite accustomed, and will brew + Colds, coughs, influenza, rheumatism + to thrill us through. + Gone the sky of southern hue, + Cloudless space of cobalt blue! + Gone the nights so sultry--phew! + Quite without rheumatic dew. + Gone the days, when each anew + Seemed yet finer! In Corfu, + California, Peru, + This would not be strange, but true; + But the weatherwise at Kew + Say in England it is new. + Peerless summer, in these few + Lines we bid farewell to you! + Or as cockneys say, "Aydew!" + + * * * * * + +A "SHAKSPEARIAN STUDENT" wants to know "if, when _Richard the Third_ +calls out 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!' he is not +alluding to the Night-Mare from which he is only just recovering." +[Can't say. Highly probable. So like SHAKSPEARE.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +Dear MR. P.,--I believe you do not know that Mrs. R. recently visited +Rome. She tells me that she thinks it an excellent thing that the +Tontine Marshes have been planted with Apocalypses. + + * * * * * + +THE CITY HORSE. + +(_A Legend of the "Coming Ninth."_) + +"You _must_ let me have him on the day I have specified," said the +military-looking man, with an air of determination. + +"And you order this, Sir, after learning his history?" replied the +well-educated cabman. "You know that he has been in a circus?" + +"I do; it is one of his greatest qualifications. A circus, I think you +said, where there was a brass band?" + +"Not only a brass band, but a very brassy band indeed; a brass band +all drum, trombone, and cymbal! A brass band that could be heard for +miles!" + +"And he bore it well?" asked the ex-soldier. "He did not mind the +noise?" + +"Not he," was the reply. "Why should he mind it? For remember he was +accustomed to insults from the clown. When a horse regards insults +from the clown with equanimity, you may be sure he will object to +nothing." + +"And what were the nature of these insults?" queried the veteran +warrior, with renewed interest. "Did the clown push him about? Did he +tell him to gee-up?" + +"Why, certainly. Had he been an unruly crowd at Blackheath on a Bank +Holiday, the clown could not have behaved worse. And _Rufus_, poor +beast! bore it all--six nights a week, with a _matinee_ thrown in on a +Saturday--without complaining." + +"And you do not think he would mind being called 'cat's-meat?' Not +even by a rude boy?" + +"Bless you, Sir, it is what I often call him myself. _Rufus_ is his +name, but cat's-meat is his nature. But don't you want him for more +than a day? Won't you buy him?" + +"No," returned the veteran soldier, sternly. "I only require him for +the Ninth." + +"He is getting too old for cabwork," argued the well-read driver. "He +would make a splendid charger for the adjutant of a Yeomanry corps, +and out of training might be put in the harness of a bathing-machine. +No, pray don't interrupt me, Sir. You are going to urge that he would +be useless in the winter. But no, Sir, you are wrong. He might take +round coal (in small quantities), when the nights draw in. Can I not +tempt you, Sir? You shall have him a bargain. Shall we say a penny a +pound?" + +"I have already told you," replied the warrior, "that I have need of +him only on the 9th. You understand, the 9th of next month." + +The well-read cab-driver nodded, and the two men parted. It was a +bargain. _Rufus_ (_alias_ "Cat's-meat") was to be ready for hire on +the 9th of November. + +"What does he want to do with the brute?" the well-read cabman asked +himself again and again. "Surely he cannot mean to ride it? And yet he +desired to learn if _Rufus_ were up to his weight; and when I answered +Yes, his eyes brightened, and he regarded the animal with renewed +interest." + +And all through the day the mystery puzzled him. He could not solve +the problem, try as he would. Suddenly, as he was discussing a cup of +tea in a shelter, a ray of light flooded his perplexed mind. + +"Eureka!" he exclaimed; "the warrior must have been the City Marshal; +and he wanted _Rufus_ ('Cat's-meat'), of course, for the Lord Mayor's +Show!" And perhaps the cabman had guessed rightly. Only the future can +tell. + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION FOR SCOTCHMEN.--The Duke of ATHOLE announces that he is in +future to be described as the Duke of ATHOLL. Why has he changed his +name? Because he canna thole it. + + A Duke cannot add to his stature a cubit, + Like the frog in the fable in vain he may swell; + And in vain does he alter his name with a new bit, + Its length is the same, though he tacks on an "l." + + * * * * * + +M. ZOLA is a Son of France. Around him are many literary planets and +stars, and imitators, shining with reflected light--the French Zolar +System. This is the Theory of _Mr. Punch_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS. A GOLF MEETING.] + + * * * * * + +A "FANTASTIC" ACTION. + +["A young lady of Newark while dancing a few nights ago fell and broke +her leg, and she has now commenced an action for damages against her +partner, to whom she attributes the cause of the accident."--_Daily +Telegraph._] + + "Oh, bother!" girls will sigh; "a fresh excuse + For men not fond of dancing to forsake us! + We fancy we can hear them say 'the deuce! + We can't dance _now_; to drop a girl might break us!' + + Now e'en 'the better sort,' who used to beg + To see our cards, will--or our wits deceive us-- + Reflect that they may break a partner's leg, + And, choose, alas, to 'make a leg,' and leave us." + + * * * * * + +DRAMA COLLEGE. + +ESTABLISHMENT FOR YOUNG LADIES, AND PREPARATORY SCHOOL FOR LITTLE BOYS, + +_Conducted by_ + +THE MISSES MELPOMENE AND THALIA. + +The Curriculum includes thorough grounding in Knowledge of Life, and +in High-class Virtue and Honesty. The Pupils are carefully restrained +from the practice of "unlovely middle-class virtue." Severe morality +constantly inculcated. Mere amusement strictly excluded. Aristocratic +Deportment and Etiquette taught by experienced Assistants. + +For further particulars apply to Mr. ENRY HAUTHUR JONES. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PRICELESS POSSESSION. + +_Mrs. Golightly._ "OH, I HOPE YOU WON'T THINK IT RUDE, BUT WOULD YOU +MIND TELLING ME WHAT THAT WONDERFUL BLACK STONE YOU'RE WEARING IS?" + +_Mrs. Luxor._ "OH, CERTAINLY. I FIND MOST PEOPLE ENVY ME THAT. IT'S A +PIECE OF REAL ENGLISH COAL!" + +_Mrs. Golightly._ "HOW WONDERFUL! AH, I WISH _MY_ HUSBAND WAS A +MILLIONAIRE!"] + + * * * * * + +AWFUL RESULT OF THE COAL FAMINE. + +(_Upon an Ordinarily Innocent and Non-punning Fire-worshipper_). + + Oh! _what_ a period! Strikes might puzzle SOLON! + I love, in winter--having shut up shop-- + My snug back-parlour fire to _semi-colon_, + Now there's no _colon_, fuel's at a _full-stop!_ + I have burned coke, wood, turf, aye, even slate, + But to _no_ fire myself cannot a-comma-date! + + * * * * * + +"PRACTICAL JOHN."--Mr. HOLLINGSHEAD'S advertisement, headed "Plain +Words to the Public," is eminently characteristic of the author. Says +he, "The prices I start with I shall stand or fall by." Certainly, +as the prices are moderate, the public will stand them, so he needn't +trouble himself on that score. If he be riding for a fall, and if the +public won't come down heavily, let us hope, if he fall at all, he +will come down lightly. Then he adds, in his own independent way, +"If it is thought necessary to tamper with these prices in an upward +direction" ["tampering upward" is pretty], "I shall give up this, +my final effort in theatrical management" [Oh, no, don't!--please +don't!!], "and walk out of the building." Why "walk"? By his own free +admission he will be driven out (which sounds like a contradiction in +terms), so why make a virtue of walking out. Never walk when you can +ride. But J. H. walk out!! "_J. H. y suis et J. H. y reste._" + + * * * * * + +THE BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL WORKING-MAN. + +(_As described by Sir E. Arnold at Birmingham._) + + A wonderful joy our eyes to bless, + In his magnificent happiness, + Is the working-man of whom I sing, + Who fares more royally than a king. + Seeing his "board" Sir EDWIN'S floored-- + _Hors d'[oe]uvres_, soup, fish, _entree_, joint, game, ices. + _Ab ovo_ nothing has been ignored + _Usque ad malum_, not minding prices. + AUGUSTUS might have hurt his sight + Reading with only a lamp or taper; + The working-man's electric light + Glows on immaculate daily paper. + Go search in MOMMSEN'S history, + Then come you home and sing with me-- + No life of emperor could, or can, + Be bright as that of the working-man! + + "Machinery turns his toil to art." + BURNE-JONES and MORRIS at this would start. + Though the "Arts and Crafts" be with horror dumb, + A Birmingham Parthenon yet may come! + The School Board's pains mature his brains, + Masses beat classes--he'll soon annul us. + Never went--as he goes--in trains + HELIOGABALUS or LUCULLUS. + He, should he care, can daily stare + At statues draped by dear Mrs. GRUNDY, + And ride in trams for a halfpenny fare, + And "wire" for sixpence, except on Sunday. + + His letters traverse the ocean wave. + _Note._--If a penny you fail to save, + To HENNIKER-HEATON please apply, + And he will discover the reason why. + Rich in the things contentment brings, + In every pure enjoyment wealthy, + But is he as gay as the poet sings, + In body and mind as hale and healthy? + In silence adept, he has certainly kept + So extremely quiet we should not know it. + Yet he "as authorities mayn't accept" + Such blooming blokes as an Eastern poet. + + * * * * * + +OH WHAT A SIR PRYCE!--Sir PRYCE PRYCE-JONES, M.P. for the Montgomery +Boroughs, has received a testimonial from his constituents. That is +to say, because he has been a nice-PRYCE-JONES they have made him a +prize-PRYCE-JONES. Bravo, Sir TWICE-PRYCE-JONES! + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION TO PROVINCIAL LAWN-TENNIS CLUB.--Why not give Lawn-Tennis +Balls in Costume during the winter? + + * * * * * + +QUOTH DUNRAVEN, NEVERMORE! + + There's many a slip 'twixt "cup" and lip! + Is there not, good DUNRAVEN? + You'll take your Transatlantic trip + Like sportsman, not like craven. + The "centre-board" against the keel + Has won. On woe we sup, Sir! + As in old nursery rhyme we feel + "The 'dish' ran away with the--cup," Sir! + The Valkyries, those valiant dames, + Success might sure have wished us; + But the _Vigilant_, our yacht-builders shames. + The "Yankee Dish" has--dished us! + + * * * * * + +TO "HANS BREITMANN." + +[Mr. C. G. LELAND, in his recently-published _Memoirs_, informs us of +his very early appreciation of the formula, "I am I--I am myself--I +myself I."] + + You, from mirth to logic turning, + Doubly proved yourself the right man, + By your wondrous breadth of learning, + For the title of "der Breitmann." + Yes, the lore and fun within you + Show us yearly greater reasons + Why we wish you to continue + _Quite yourself_ for farther seasons. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 192: Extra 'have' removed. + +"AUGUSTUS might have (have) hurt his sight". + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, +October 21st 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39351.txt or 39351.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/5/39351/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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