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diff --git a/39332.txt b/39332.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1cd92e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/39332.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1731 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 +October 7, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 October 7, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 1, 2012 [EBook #39332] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, October 7th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration] + +"DUE SOUTH!" + +_On Shore in Lulworth Cove._--Odd names on this Southern coast. The +"Tilly Winn Caves,?" for example; likewise "Durdle Dhor," or "Durdle +Door." Who was MATILDA WINN; familiarly styled "TILLY"? An old +fisherman mending his nets,--he is evidently "_The_ Cove of Lulworth +Cove,"--gives me the following tale, which I set down as the + +LEGEND OF TILLY WINN AND DURDLE D'OR. + + The winsome Lady MATILDA WINN, + Was a-ris-to-crati-cal-ly thin, + With dove-like eyes. Her golden hair + Was circled with gems so rich and rare. + White and pink was the healthy skin + Of the winsome Lady MATILDA WINN. + + The Lord of LULWORTH, a somnolent Earl, + Gave his moustache an extra curl + As he woke in the morn, and ope'd his eye, + A passing fair lady was passing by! + Then he swore to himself, "Through thick and thin, + I'll win the Lady MATILDA WINN." + + The Lord of LULWORTH, that somnolent peer, + Gained the young lady's father's ear, + Who said, "My TILLY must me obey. + One week to-morrow shall be the day + When Lulworth's Earl shall become our kin, + By wedding my daughter! my TILLY WINN!" + + MATILDA WINN made signs from shore + To her pirate lover, bold DURDLE D'OR. + Who came at night with ladder of rope, + For TILDA WINN had agreed to elope. + "We're privately married, so 'tis no sin," + Quoth the beautiful Lady MATILDA WINN. + + But the somnolent Earl and the testy Lord + Pursued and caught, ere they got aboard + The pirate vessel, the lovers twain, + Who leapt from the boat! And ne'er again, + When past and gone was the tempest's din, + Were seen DURDLE D'OR and his TILLY WINN. + +There is as pleasant a little hostelrie in Lulworth Cove as is to be +found anywhere in a quiet sort of way, with lunch made and provided, +ready for all comers, be they never so plentiful. Mind always on this +coast command the lobster, he is _toujours a vos ordres_. Those who +can be content with the minimum of variety in the way of amusement, +and with the maximum of health will assuredly find it here, where they +can live the life of a sort of luxurious _Robinson Crusoe_--bathing, +fishing, walking--five or six miles from the nearest railway station, +and visited occasionally by steamboats, which cannot come in quite +close to shore, bringing passengers, from whom tidings may be obtained +of what is going on in the outer world. + +_Note--Of music on board._--Almost every steamboat is accompanied by a +couple of instrumentalists--a harpist and a violinist. These duettists +do uncommonly well pecuniarily, and musically too, considering +the difficulties presented by the sea passages. One of their more +favourite performances is the _intermezzo_ from the _Rusticana_. +Returning from Swanage the wind rather interferes with the strings by +attempting to unfasten the music paper. But the violinist, well on +the alert, has foreseen the probability arising of there being "three +sheets to the wind," and has nailed his colours to the mast, that is, +has tied the music-paper firmly on to the stand. Still, in order to +grapple with rude Boreas, he has to drop a few bars of his part in the +_intermezzo_, a proceeding that causes no sort of inconvenience to the +harpist, who ingeniously "slows off," and adapts time and tune to the +exceptional situation, until the wind, being out of breath with its +mischievous exertions, allows the fiddle-strings to resume their +part in the concert, and kindly permits the two musicians to finish +triumphantly. Their gallant efforts are well rewarded, and the musical +pilgrims collect _largesse_ in a scallop-shell. Back again to P'm'th. + + * * * * * + +THEN AND NOW. + +MR. PUNCH'S REPLY TO THE PREMIER. + + ["There is a popular periodical which, whenever it can, + manifests the Liberal sentiments by which it has been guided + from the first--I mean the periodical _Punch_. At that time I + had the honour of figuring, if I remember right, in a Cartoon + of _Punch_, in connection with the rejection of the Paper + Duty, and a clever Cartoon it was, for I was represented as + a little lad in school, sitting (it was _standing_, Sir--_Mr. + P._) upon a small stool, and Lord DERBY--the Lord DERBY of + that day, who led the House of Lords--was standing over me + with an immense sheet of paper, made into a fool's-cap, which + he planted on my head."--_Mr. Gladstone at Edinburgh, Sept. + 27, 1893._] + + _See Cartoon, "The Paper Cap," in Punch_ (p. 223, vol. + xxxviii.), _June 2, 1860_. + + THIRTY-THREE years ago, my WILLIAM, thirty-three + years ago, + Yet you, as of yore, are well to the fore, and _Punch_, too is + in front also; + And that paper cap was a popular crown, as _Punch_ at the time + suggested; + With the real fool's-cap, by a singular hap, "the Lord DERBY" + himself was invested. + + _Punch_ "advised his friend GLADSTONE to look out for + squalls, and likewise look out his umbrella." + (_Prophetic_ that, but then _Mister P._ was always that + sort of a fella!) + You have used a good many "umbrellas" since then, both Old and New + (Castle) "brollies," + As you needed a stout one in DERBY'S storm, so you will, my + dear WILLIAM, in SOLLY'S. + + You have "had the honour of figuring," Sir, many times since then in + my pages; + As I hope, my dear WILLIAM, with all my heart, you'll continue + to do--oh! for ages! + The same great designer of "clever cartoons" ("our Sir JOHN") + is as lively as ever, + And if _you_'ll give him suitable subjects, dear boy, _he_'ll + still furnish cartoons quite as clever. + + "Liberal sentiments"--"manifest still"--"whenever I can," you say? + Well, Sir! + _My_ sentiments, WILLIAM, are liberal _always_--but + with a small _non-party_ l, Sir! + "Liberal souls devise liberal things"--_you_ know the authority + grand, Sir!-- + If your Liberal things are "liberal," always, by liberal things you + shall stand, Sir. + + There! _Verb. sap._, my long-honoured old chap! May a real + fool's-cap crown you never, + But a Crown of Honour be yours at the end--which we'd wish to + postpone, Sir, for ever! + Thanks very much for your genial touch. We have pleasant joint + memories, many, + Since you fought the good fight on the Paper Duty and a Press at + the Popular Penny! + + * * * * * + +Colourable. + + ["The banners of most of the Dutch regiments have hitherto + been those captured from the French at Waterloo in 1815, since + when they have never been renewed."--_Daily News, September + 22._] + + The Dutch have had second-hand flags to fight under; + And so if "Dutch courage" mean borrowed, what wonder? + + * * * * * + +HISS-TRIONIC QUERY.--Where exists the theatrical manager who, utterly +disregardless of tradition and reckless as to the omen of "the Bird," +would have produced a new piece for the first time _last Friday +night_, which was _Michaelmas Day_, the day sacred to the Goose? We +know of only one manager likely to be so bold, and he would not be so +audacious as to defy the combined omens of ill. + + * * * * * + +Ichabod! + + (_As it generally seems now in Sculling Matches on the Thames._) + + Row, brothers, row! But you don't row fast! + It's foreigner first, and Britisher last! + JOHN no longer can sing now, "I says the Bull" + (As in _Poor Cock Robin_), "_because I can pull!_" + + * * * * * + +COAL AND DRAMA.--Mr. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD says that the Princess's Pit, +which has been closed for a long time, will be at once re-opened. The +price has been generally accepted. + + * * * * * + +NEWS OF THE MATABELE.--The "Impi" are "suffering from want of +supplies." They are impi-cunious. + + * * * * * + +THE MOST GRATUITOUS FORM OF VICE.--Ad-vice! + + * * * * * + +THE REIGN OF RINGLETS. + + ["It is announced that ringlets are to be worn again by + ladies, and that side whiskers are coming in for fashionable + men."--_Daily News._] + +[Illustration] + + Oh prospect Elysian! It called back a vision + Of youth, and those girls of JOHN LEECH'S, JOHN LEECH'S, + Of "corkscrews" that "doddle" all round a fair noddle, + Blue eyes and flushed cheeks like ripe peaches, ripe peaches. + I think of sweet NELLY, whose curls, like a jelly, + Shook soft as she "spooned" me at croquet, at croquet. + But then came lawn tennis old fashion to menace, + And croquet and curls were dubbed "pokey," dubbed "pokey." + + But ringlets! O rapture! One spiral to capture + Of NELL'S many hundreds and snip it, and snip it, + Was simply delightful. She'd swear she "looked frightful" + As into my bosom I'd slip it, I'd slip it. + But one among dozens, on heads like my cousin's, + Love-larceny was, and not robbery, robbery. + If now I dared sever from "tousle-mops" clever + One tress, there would be a rare bobbery, bobbery. + + Ah me! how times alter! My scissors would falter + In trying a _Rape of the Lock to-day, Lock_ to-day. + NELL'S trim buxom body, with curls thick and "doddy," + Would strike the aesthete with a shock to-day, shock to-day. + You only see ringlets on some "poor old thing." Let's + Be kind to the _passe_, but primness, but primness, + With "winkle" curls shaking, is _not_ very taking, + When linked with old-spinster-like slimness,--like slimness. + + I know an "old Biddy"--her name is Miss TWIDDY-- + Who revels in ringlets curled carefully, carefully. + Oh how they doddle around her old noddle! + She's "songful," a taste which I share fully, share fully. + But when she will warble of Halls--they're of Marble,-- + Or Meetings by Moonlight, I'm sorry, I'm sorry + To see curls, and passion, so out of the fashion, + Made mock of by "Up-to-date" FLORRY, -date FLORRY. + + But ringlets reviving? Miss TWIDDY'S long striving + For "Passion's Response" mayn't be hopeless, be hopeless. + In "Days of Pomatum" (for that's how I date 'em) + They used more Macassar, and soap less, and soap less! + Inopportune rain then put things out of train then, + NELL'S mop, how a shower would spoil it, would spoil it! + Curl-papers, concealing--but there, I'm revealing + The mysteries dark of the toilet, the toilet. + + But ringletted friskers, and mutton-chop whiskers, + For "buns" and blue gills closely shaven, -ly shaven! + 'Tis sheer revolution! High Art's contribution + Will be first to croak _a la_ raven, _la_ raven. + Will girls then all giggle with ringlets a-wriggle, + As most of the maids of my youth did, my youth did? + Will male "mutton-chopper," scowl pompously proper, + Like _Dombey_--as _our_ sires in sooth did, in sooth did? + * * * * * + +LIFE (AND DEATH) IN SOUTH AMERICA. + + (_Diary of the week's doings, from our own Correspondent on + the Spot._) + +_Monday._--Matters are still very unsettled, and it will take some +time before public confidence is entirely restored. The policy of the +President in defending the Tramways Extension Bill from the citadel +with grape-shot is condemned as an unwise stretch of the provisions of +the Constitution. It has caused a reorganisation in the Cabinet, +the Secretary for the Interior having resigned, taking with him six +regiments of cavalry, four battalions of infantry, and three brigades +of artillery. This desertion has naturally lessened the chance of the +Employers' Liability Amendment Bill passing this session except at +the point of the bayonet. The division on the first reading of the +Telegraph State Construction Bill was Ayes, 50 killed, 3 wounded; +Noes, 12 killed, 172 wounded. Should this measure pass its second +reading it will be opposed from barricades in committee. + +_Tuesday._--Trade shows some signs of revival, but the continual +bombardment of the Stock Exchange by the opposition fleet in the +offing causes considerable confusion and annoyance. The Minister of +War has retired into a parliamentary cave accompanied by the militia. +It is considered not improbable that this member of the ministry may +throw his ammunition into the scale against his colleagues. The Pauper +Property Insurance Bill has not much chance of passing during the +present year, unless its supporters can bombard the capital. The +second reading of the Lunacy Acts Consolidation Bill was passed with +the assistance of three ironclads and a torpedo catcher. In spite +of the pacific turn that events are now taking, some of the older +inhabitants express considerable uneasiness. + +_Wednesday._--The British Consul has given notice that he will hold +the ministry responsible for the damage done to his residence. On +account of the bombardment he and his family have been forced to +reside in a distant greenhouse. The remainder of the consulate is +razed to the ground. This being the President's birthday, the hall of +the _bureau_ has been crowded with infernal machines sent as presents. +The loud ticking of the concealed machinery has caused several +complaints to be made to the _concierge_. The President and his family +have returned to the seaside. They are being hotly pursued by a large +body of cavalry, infantry, and artillery. However, on the whole the +outlook is brighter, and the trains and omnibuses have recommenced +running. + +_Thursday._--The President has returned to the capital, as the +lodgings he had taken at the seaside were discovered by the rebel +fleet, and bombarded. The business of the session progresses slowly +but surely. The Minister for War, with the assistance of the Militia, +has secured the passing of the vote dealing with his department. He +led the charge in person that carried the "Ayes" Division Lobby. If it +were not for the constant bombardment of all the principal buildings, +and the occasional slaughter of Members of Parliament, things would be +almost normal. There is no doubt that the outlook is peaceful. + +_Friday._.--Things still quieting down. Traffic in the main +thoroughfares is suspended, because the roads are required for charges +of cavalry, and the squares are now used for shell practice. The +fleet have approached closer. This, of course, causes some additional +damage; but as the populace can now hear the bands of the various +ships during the pauses in the bombardment, the arrangement is rather +popular than otherwise. The Government have apologised to the British +Consul for having blown up his house and stables. The incident +consequently is at an end. Several Members of the Cabinet have +accepted the Consul's invitation to lunch. + +_Saturday._.--The Revolution is practically at an end. The fleet are +still bombarding the forts, and the military charge every ten minutes +the populace. The Judges, too, find cause for annoyance in the +constant invasion of the judicial bench by armed artisans. Most of +the fashionable part of the city is in flames, but this is a detail. +However, taking all things into consideration, peace and tranquillity +may be said to be now restored. Of course they are not exactly +the peace and tranquillity of Europe, but they are what people +are accustomed to over here. Should anything of further importance +transpire it shall be wired immediately; but to all appearance the +insurrection is at an end. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW TO SPEND A PLEASANT EVENING! + +["For the purposes of this production the orchestra has been enlarged, +so that some of the instrumentalists have to sit among the audience in +the stalls." _Daily Paper._]] + + * * * * * + +TO THE CONTESTANTS IN THE COAL WAR. + + Oh, stint your rage, abate your rash insanity! + Fight not like fiends, as brother men agree; + And be "the sweet, sad music of humanity," + Played in the _miner_ key! + + * * * * * + +THE IDEAL CONVERSATION. + + [Miss EMILY FAITHFULL, in the _Ladies' Pictorial_, suggests + that girls should always learn up some contribution to make to + the family conversation at table.] + + Miss FAITHFULL, let me send a line + Of most sincere congratulation + On your magnificent design + To raise the tone of conversation; + The plan you kindly recommend + Rejoices many a careful mother, + And, for the future, we intend, + As runs the phrase, "To use no other." + + At breakfast-time we used to talk + On topics commonplace together, + Designed a picnic, planned a walk, + And even criticised the weather; + We gossiped in an idle way, + And made in turn our several guesses + About the age of Mrs. A., + The price of Lady X.'s dresses. + + But now, according to your scheme, + Each carefully-instructed maiden + Discourses on a worthy theme, + And comes with fact and figures laden; + To-day, for instance, MURIEL gave + Some gems from CICERO'S orations, + While MAUD reviewed, in language grave, + The Lower Tertiary Formations. + + And KATE--the mischief-making KATE + Who formerly would merely prattle-- + Described, in accents most sedate, + The use of cavalry in battle. + In fact, by this most noble plan, + Which on your kind advice we're using, + Our conversation never can + Deserve your censure as amusing! + + * * * * * + +THE FOOL WITH A GUN. + + (_To the Tune of the "Temptation of St. Antony."_) + + There are many fools that worry this world, + Fools old, and fools who're young; + Fools with fortunes, and fools without, + Fools who dogmatise, fools who doubt, + Fools who snigger, and fools who shout, + Fools who never know what they're about, + And fools all cheek and tongue; + Fools who're gentlemen, fools who're cads, + Fools who're greybeards, and fools who're lads; + Fools with manias, fools with fads, + Fools with cameras, fools with tracts, + Fools who deny the stubbornest facts, + Fools in theories, fools in acts; + Fools who write Theosophist books, + Fools who believe in Mahatmas and spooks; + Fools who prophesy--races and Tophets-- + Bigger fools who believe in prophets; + Fools who quarrel, and fools who quack; + In fact, there are all sorts of fools in the pack, + Fools fat, thin, short, and tall; + But of all sorts of fools, the Fool with a Gun + (Who points it at someone--of course, "in fun"-- + And fools around till chance murder is done) + Is the worsest fool of them all! + + * * * * * + +"BEING AT CHARGES."--A subject for companion picture to the well-known +"_The Last Charge at Waterloo_" would be "_The Last Charge of the +Archbishop of Canterbury_." For ourselves, in preference to either the +ecclesiastical or the military view of a charge, we like to hear +the Lord Mayor's toast-master call out, "Gentlemen! _Charge_--your +glasses!!" + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE VI.--_The Breakfast-room at Hornbeam Lodge._ + +TIME--8.40 A.M. _on Saturday morning_. Mrs. TOOVEY _is alone_, _making +the tea_. + +_Mrs. Toovey_ (_to herself_). I cannot think what has come to +THEOPHILUS. He has come down late for prayers every morning this week. +Such a bad example for any household, and Cook is beginning to notice +it--I could see it in her eye as she came in. He is so strange in his +manner, too; if I did not know he was absolutely incapable of--but +_why_ did he secrete that abominable programme of CHARLES'S? He _said_ +he kept it with a view to making inquiries, but I have heard nothing +about them since. (_Aloud_, _to_ PH[OE]BE, _who brings in dishes +and two letters_.) Oh, the post, PH[OE]BE? it's late this morning. +(PH[OE]BE _goes out_.) One for Pa, and one for me--from ALTHEA--it was +certainly time she wrote. (_Reading her letter._) "Delightful visit +... the MERRIDEWS so kind ... so much to see and do ... back on Monday +... no time for more at present." Not a word of where she's been or +what she's seen--not at _all_ the letter a girl should write to her +mother! I wonder whom Pa's letter is from? (_She turns it over._) +What's this? "Eldorado Palace of Varieties" printed on the flap! Why, +that's CHARLES'S music-hall! Then Pa _has_ been making inquiries after +all. As CHARLES'S aunt I have a right to---- (_She is about to open +the envelope._) No, I'd better not, I hear Pa's hum--he will be sure +to tell me what they say. + +_Mr. Toovey enters_ (_humming, to give himself a countenance_). Ha, so +you've had prayers without me? Quite right--quite right. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_severely_). Anything _but_ right, Pa. You ought to have +been down long ago. I heard you brushing your hair as I went out. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_feebly_). It was very tiresome, my love, but my +collar-stud got under the wardrobe, and I couldn't get it out for ever +so long. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Your things have taken to behave in a very extraordinary +manner, Pa. Yesterday it was your braces! + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I believe it _was_ my braces yesterday. Ah well, we +must bear with these little vexations--bear with them! (_To himself._) +A letter for me? From the Eldorado! It's the box! I--I hoped Mr. +CURPHEW had forgotten. + +[_He thrusts it into his pocket unopened, in a flurry._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ Is there any reason why you shouldn't read your letter, +Pa? It may be of importance. + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I don't think it is, my love--particularly. It--it will +keep till after breakfast. What is this--kedgeree? Ha! I've come down +with quite an appetite--quite a famous appetite! + + [_He pecks at his kedgeree ostentatiously._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ Perhaps I'd better ring and have two more eggs boiled if +you're so hungry as all that, Pa? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_in terror at this suggestion_). Not for me, my love, not +for me. I--I've made an excellent breakfast! + +_Mrs. Toov._ Then now, Pa, perhaps you will be at leisure to read your +letter. I am curious to know what correspondence you can possibly have +with an Eldorado Palace. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). Oh, dear me, she's seen the flap! Why +do they put the name outside--so thoughtless of them! (_He opens +the letter._) Yes, it _is_ the order. I _can't_ show it to CORNELIA! +(_Aloud._) I--I told you I was making inquiries. + +_Mrs. Toov._ About CHARLES'S habits? So you've written to the Manager, +without consulting me! Well--what does he say? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). I don't like these deceptions--but I +_must_ consider poor CHARLES. (_Aloud._) Oh--hum--very little, my +love, very little indeed, but satisfactory--most satisfactory--he's no +complaint to make of CHARLES--none whatever! + +_Mrs. Toov._ As if it was likely you would get the truth from such a +tainted source! Let me see his letter. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_pocketing the letter again, hastily_). No, my dear +love, you must excuse me--but this is a private and confidential +communication, and--and, in common fairness to CHARLES--I'll trouble +you for another cup of tea. (_To himself._) It's for this very night. +I've a great mind not to go. How am I to make an excuse for getting +away? (_Aloud._) I've half a mind to run up some time, and--and look +in on CHARLES. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). If CHARLES is misconducting himself, I +ought to know--and I _will_, sooner or later. I'm sure THEOPHILUS is +keeping something from me. (_Aloud._) I've only put in one lump, Pa. +You may find him at home if you went up this afternoon. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_relieved_). An excellent suggestion, my love. I _will_ +go this afternoon. He--he might ask me to stay and dine with him; so +if--if I don't come back, you'll know where I am--eh? You won't be +anxious? + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). He's trying to spare me, but I can see +he's _most_ uneasy about CHARLES. (_Aloud._) Well, Pa, I don't like +the idea of your dining out without me--it will be the first time for +years--but still, I shall have to be away myself this evening; +there's a special meeting of the Zenana Mission Committee, and Mrs. +CUMBERBATCH made such a point of my attending--so, if you feel you +really _ought_ to see CHARLES---- + +_Mr. Toov._ Oh. I _do_, my dear. He--he wants looking after. And +perhaps, if I could have a little quiet, serious talk with him, after +dinner--or over a game of draughts. (_To himself._) What a dissembler +I've become; but I _do_ mean to look in on CHARLES, before I go to +this Eldorado place, and there _may_ be time for a game of draughts! + +_Mrs. Toov._ You would learn more, THEOPHILUS, by putting a few +questions to his landlady. But remember, when you come back, I shall +insist on being told everything--_everything_, mind! + +_Mr. Toov._ Oh, of course, my love, of course. (_To himself._) If my +visit proves satisfactory, I--I might tell her. It will depend on how +I feel--entirely on how I feel. + +END OF SCENE VI. + + + SCENE VII.--_The Drawing-room. It is after luncheon._ Mrs. + TOOVEY _is sitting knitting_. + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_entering, in a frock-coat, carrying a tall hat_). +Er--CORNELIA, my love, you don't happen to know where the--the +latchkey is kept, do you? + +_Mrs. Toovey._ The latchkey, THEOPHILUS! One has never been required +in this house _yet_. What can you possibly want with a latchkey? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). These performances go on till a somewhat +advanced hour, I've no doubt, and I might feel it my duty to stay +as long as---- (_Aloud._) I--I only thought it would save PH[OE]BE +sitting up for me, my dear. + +_Mrs. Toov._ You need not trouble yourself about that, THEOPHILUS. I +will sit up for you, if necessary. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_quaking_). But you forget your Zenana Mission, my love; +you will be out yourself this evening! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_severely_). I shall be back by a reasonable hour, +Pa,--and so will _you_, I should hope. + +_Mr. Toov._ I hope so, my love, I'm sure, but--but I may have a good +deal to say to CHARLES, you know. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). There's some mystery about that wretched +boy, I'm certain. If I could only find out what was in that letter. I +wonder if it's in Pa's pocket--I'll soon see. (_Aloud._) Turn round, +Pa. Ah, I _thought_ as much; one of your coat-tail buttons is as +nearly off as it can be! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_innocently_). Dear me! My Sunday coat, too. I never +observed it. Could you just fasten it on a little more securely? + +[Illustration: "Eldorado Palace of Varieties. Admit Mr. Toovey and +Party to Box C. This portion to be retained."] + +_Mrs. Toov._ If you take off your coat. I can't do it with you +prancing about in front of me, Pa. (_Mr. T. takes off his coat._) +Now, I can't have you in my drawing-room in your shirtsleeves--suppose +somebody called! Go into your study and wait there till I've done. +(_Mr. T. departs submissively._) Now if the letter isn't in one of +these pockets, it must be in---- (_She discovers the envelope._) There +it is. _Now_ I shall know what CHARLES---- I'm sure his poor dear +mother would wish to be informed. (_She opens the letter._) "Eldorado +Palace of Varieties. Admit Mr. TOOVEY and party to Box C. This portion +to be retained." (_She tears off a perforated slip._) I _will_ retain +it! So THEOPHILUS has been deceiving me--_this_ is his business with +CHARLES! _This_ is why he kept that programme! And he's allowing +himself to be misled by his own nephew! They're going to this +music-hall to-night, together! He shall _not_ go--never while I--stop, +let me think--yes, he _shall_ go--he shall fill up the measure of his +iniquity, little dreaming that I have the clear proof of his deceit! +(_She thrusts the slip she has torn off into her workbox, and replaces +the envelope with the remainder of the order in the pocket._) There. +He won't notice that anything is missing. He's coming back. I must +control myself, or he will be on his guard. + + [_She pretends to secure the button with unsteady fingers._ + +_Mr. Toov._ (_entering_). CORNELIA, my love, don't trouble to do more +than is absolutely necessary to keep the button secure--because I'm +rather in a hurry. It doesn't matter, so long as it looks respectable! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_with an effort to restrain her feelings_). I daresay it +is quite respectable enough, Pa, for where you are going. + +_Mr. Toov._ Quite, indeed, my dear. But it would never have done to go +and call on CHARLES with a button off the back of my coat--no, no. It +was fortunate you noticed it in time, my love. + +_Mrs. Toov._ I hope it will prove so, THEOPHILUS. (_To herself._) And +this monster of duplicity is Pa! Oh, I wish I could tell him what I +thought of him, but not yet--we will have our reckoning later! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_after putting on his coat_). Then I think I must be +going. Any message I can take to CHARLES? + +_Mrs. Toov._ Yes, tell him that I trust he will profit by his good +Uncle's example, and that I expect him to dinner on Monday. I may +require to have a serious talk with him myself, if your account of +this evening is not perfectly satisfactory. + +_Mr. Toov._ I'll tell him, my love, but there's no reason to make +yourself uneasy about CHARLES--he'll behave himself--he'll behave +himself. (_To himself, as he goes out._) I must go and see CHARLES +now. Oh dear, I do feel so apprehensive about this visit to the +Eldorado.--If I could put it off.--But I can't continue to hold those +shares without some knowledge---- And Mr. CURPHEW made such a point of +my going. No, I must go. I--I don't see how I can get out of it! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_alone_). There he goes, looking so meek and lamblike! +Who would suspect, to see him, that that black coat of his was +buttoned round a whited sepulchre? Oh, Pa, Pa! That after all these +years of blameless life you should suddenly be seized with a +depraved desire for unhallowed amusement like this! While I am at +the CUMBERBATCHES, engaged in discussing the affairs of the Zenana +Mission, you and CHARLES will be---- Stop. How do I know he is going +with CHARLES at all? If he is capable of deceiving me in one respect, +why not in all? (_She takes out the slip and looks at it._) Mr. TOOVEY +and party! _What_ party? May not Pa have been leading a--a double life +all these years for anything I can tell? He is going to the Eldorado +to-night with _somebody_--that's clear. Who is it? I shall never be +easy till I know. And why should I not? There's the meeting, though. +I might have a headache. Yes, that will do. (_She goes to her +writing-table._) No, I won't write. I can make some excuse to ELIZA +when I see her. And instead of going to the CUMBERBATCHES this +evening, I can easily slip up to Waterloo and ask my way to this +place. There will be no difficulty in that. Yes, I will go, whatever +it costs me. And when Pa goes into this Box C of his, he will find his +"party" is larger than he expected! + +END OF SCENE VII. + + * * * * * + +PLAYING THE DEUCE AT THE HAYMARKET. + +Of course, to speak with theological accuracy, _The Tempter_, being +the "very devil incarnate," ought to be "damned." That this has +not been his fate at the Haymarket is owing to Mr. BEERBOHM TREE +primarily, to his company secondarily, and to the author remotely. To +treat in any fresh dramatic form the story of _Faust and Marguerite_, +a dramatist must be the subject of a special and peculiar inspiration. +Now what this play lacks is inspiration. + +What in this piece ENRY HAUTHOR JONES mistook for the "divine +afflatus" is mere long-windedness. His _Tempter_ may be an entertainer +assuming various disguises, and more and more like himself on every +occasion, but a real devil he is not, except so far as Mr. TREE with +wonderful art makes him; and, even then, the question is forced +upon us, would any devil with any sort of self-respect, pick up a +cross-handled dagger just as if it were an ordinary walking-stick, and +politely return it to its owner? This is the first time that a +devil on the stage hasn't shuddered and grovelled at the sight of +a cross-handle. Again, how far more effective would some of the +supernatural movements of this irreclaimably wicked personage have +been had they been performed by means of some clever arrangement +of "wires," such as that with which Mlle. AENEA used to astonish the +public? Where are the stage mechanists who assisted GEORGE CONQUEST, +that unique representative of sprites and gnomes, who achieved success +by "leaps and bounds?" + +Fortunately the piece does not depend for its success on mere +mechanism, but on the acting of Mr. TREE, which is in all respects +admirable in its diabolical variety; much depends, too, on Mrs. +TREE, who is charming and sympathetic in a small part. Mr. TERRY, +who occasionally, in tone and look, reminds me of HENRY IRVING, +contributes his share towards the general histrionic excellence, as +also does Miss JULIA NEILSON, who in tone and action frequently +makes me wish that once and for ever she would give up attempting +an imitation of ELLEN TERRY. But be it said that the acting of this +couple is remarkably good in the love scene, as it is also in the very +trying death scene, which could have been so easily and so utterly +ruined. + +[Illustration: "Arbor in Arbore." A Wood Engraving.] + +The author is at his best in his curt, cynical sentences. Epigrams are +few and far between in the play, but what there are go to the devil, +that is, are given to the "Old Gentleman," with the best possible +result. ENRY HAUTHOR is at his worst in the long speeches, not one +of which, no matter to whom it may fall, but would be the better for +cutting. Of course, suggestions for abbreviating the _Tempter_'s +part would not be favourably entertained by the principal actor, +as, naturally enough, any Tree objects to being cut down: and as his +personal success is too decided for him to be "cut up," the Tree will +have to remain, though lopping and pruning would be advantageous to +the growth and strength of this Tree now that it has assumed these +proportions. And the moral? Well, GOETHE, I think, in the poem was a +trifle hazy about the ultimate fate of his lovers; but in the opera +there is no doubt about it. With _Marguerite_ it was "Here we go up, +up, up," and with _Faust_ it was just the reverse: but the operatic +_Faust_ will always "go down" when sung and played as it was this +season at Covent Garden. I forget what BOITO does with his erring +couple, but where Mr. JONES'S demon resembles BOITO'S, and also +BYRON'S, Satan, is in his monologues addressed directly to the Supreme +Being. But those Satans were Fallen Archangels of Heaven; this of +'ENRY HAUTHOR'S is a Fallen Angel of Islington. This illogical demon +sneers at one of the characters for not using language sufficiently +strong to express his feelings; yet when his own turn comes his +blasphemy is vulgar, and so mild that not the sternest magistrate +would like to fine him for it. And strange to say, in one passage +(which most persons would have deemed objectionable, did it not +come to them on the authority of the Lord Chamberlain's Theatrical +Licensing office), the Prince of Darkness shows himself a gentleman +curiously ignorant of such elementary Christian theology as he could +have picked up from a penny catechism. How Mr. TREE was ever in-deuced +to attempt the _Tempter_ by ENRY HAUTHOR, will remain a mystery to the +end of the run, and if that should be in the far distant future, +the mystery will be Tree-mendous, and absolutely impenetrable. The +costumes are artistic and superb, the scenery effective, though the +majestic proportions of Canterbury Cathedral are rather dwarfed by the +imposing figure of the Very Deuce, who is "all over the place." + + * * * * * + +Morning Thought. + + (_By a chilly Autumn Guest at a Country House._) + + _GR-R-R-R!_ No fire in the grate--for our hostess is thrifty-- + Although the thermometer stands below fifty! + Well, I wish to be courteous and sober; + But the _biggest_ of pests is that pig of a host-- + In a climate like ours, too!--who makes it his boast + That "he _never_ starts fires till October!" + + * * * * * + +A GOOD KICK-OFF.--The "Rugby" decision against "professional" +football. Let us hope it will be followed by an equally energetic +"kick-out" of the growing "rowdy" element in this popular, if somewhat +over-praised, "National game." All good sportsmen long to see a +"penalty kick" administered to blackguardism in the football field. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION. + +_Ducal Butler_ (_showing Art Treasures of Stilton Castle_). "THE THREE +GRACES--AFTER CANOVA!" + +_Mrs. Ramsbotham._ "HOW INTERESTING! AND PRAY, WHICH IS THE _PRESENT_ +DUCHESS?"] + + * * * * * + +ALEXANDER AND DIOGENES. + +(_Modern Teutonic Version._) + + ["My complaint being of a nervous character, I share the + opinion of my doctor that, if I pass the winter in the midst + of my accustomed surroundings and occupations, it will be + the most likely means of promoting my recovery."--_Prince + Bismarck's reply to the German Emperor's Letter._] + +_Diogenes_ (_of Kissingen_) loquitur:-- + + _Only to leave me to my tub!_ Ha! had him _there_ I flatter me! + Too late, my ALEXANDER, now to butter or to batter me! + You "Dropped the Pilot"--with that youthful confidence that some adore-- + The "whirligig of time" has turned; the "Pilot" drops the "Commodore." + + A _fico_ for Imperial "Pots," and their young princely progenies. + Belated condescension won't conciliate DIOGENES. + Cynic and Conqueror exchange compliments Ciceronian, + But--there's a sting in some smooth words, for a mouthing Macedonian. + + Mine are not _sanitary_ "tubs," the Varzin, or the other one + At Friedrichsruh, you hint. Oh get away, and do not bother one! + I've got a "nervous system" now, and noisy, young, despotical, + "Shock-headed Peters" worry one, when aged and neurotical. + + Your castles, and your palaces, and things, in Central Germany, + I "trample on"--like Plato's pride. Ha! does that make you squirm any? + Confer with your Court Marshal, if you like; I only promise I'll + Transfer my Tub--to Friedrichsruh, when up to change of domicile. + + "How to command men" is my skill, as 'twas of him of Pontus, Sire, + _You_ can't command such men as I just when you chance to want us, Sire! + As soon as Doctor SCHWENINGER says he has no objection, Sire, + I'll travel to another Tub--but not of your selection, Sire. + + _Sings_-- + + 'Midst castles and palaces though I _might_ roam, + Be it ever so humble there's no place like home. + The charm of the Tub seems to hallow me there, + Which all Central Germany's castles can't share. + Home! home! Sweet, sweet home! + Though 'tis only a Tub, there is no place like home! + + An exile from court, castles dazzle in vain. + Oh! give me my Tub and I'll gladly remain. + A proud ALEXANDER I'm sorry (!) to snub, + But--keep your fine castles, leave me to my Tub! + Home! home! Sweet, sweet home! + Though you mayn't like its "climate," there's no place like home! + + [_Left curled up in it._ + + * * * * * + + +"PAS MEME ACADEMICIEN!" + + [ALBERT MOORE, the exquisite decorative painter, died on + September 25, at the age of fifty-two, "without Academic + honour."] + + "LOVE is enough." Beauty, it seems, is not. + And yet upon our land's artistic fame, + It seems--does it not, Sirs?--a bitter blot + That the official roll lacks this great name! + No matter! The R. A., with tight-closed door, + Hath less--of honour; English Art hath MOORE. + + * * * * * + +"Did you hear PADEREWSKI the pianist?" asked someone of our old friend +Mrs. R. "Oh, yes," she replied; "I was most fortunate. He played for +several hours at a friend's house, and he gave us the whole of his +Repartee." + + * * * * * + +RIDDLE BY 'ARRY.--"Look 'ere, if you're speakin' of a young unmarried +lady bein' rather 'uffy, what well-known river would you name?--Why, +_'Miss is 'ippy'_, o' course." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALEXANDER AND DIOGENES. + +ALEXANDER. "IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU? CASTLE? OR ANYTHING OF +THAT SORT?" DIOGENES. "NO--ONLY TO LEAVE ME TO MY TUB!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GUESTS TO BE AVOIDED. + +"HULLO, OLD MAN! HOW'S IT YOU'RE DINING AT THE CLUB? THOUGHT YOUR WIFE +TOLD ME SHE HAD THE BROWNS AND SMITHS TO DINNER THIS EVENING?" + +"NO--THAT WAS YESTERDAY. THIS EVENING SHE HAS THE ODDS AND ENDS!"] + + * * * * * + +RIFLEMEN--"FORM!" + +(_A new Volunteer Song, "in vulgar parlance," Brought up to date, +after Lord Tennyson_.) + + ["It is not going too far to say that thousands of men best + fitted, physically and morally, to serve as officers or in the + ranks, hold aloof from the Volunteers, because they are keenly + alive to inefficiency of the average Volunteer. In vulgar + parlance they look upon Volunteering as 'bad form.'"--_The + Times._] + + There is a sound that must terribly jar + On the ears of the West in our finical day; + 'Tisn't a sound of battle and war, + But of something much worse in its "vulgar" way. + Storm's warm about Volunteer "form," + Ready, be ready against that storm! + "Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!" + + Be not deaf to the sound that warns! + What? "Bad form!"--that's a prig's last plea. + Are figs of thistles? or grapes of thorns? + How can W. feel with E. C.? + "Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!" + Ready to meet "Sassiety's" storm! + Riflemen, Riflemen, shun "bad form!" + + Reform your "form"! Abide nothing "low"! + Look to yon butts, and take good aims! + But better a miss, or a magpie or so, + Than that bad, bad form which "Sassiety" shames. + Storm's warm about Volunteer "form," + Ready, be ready against that storm! + Riflemen, Riflemen, Riflemen--"Form!!!" + + For "form" be ready to do or die + "Form," in "Sassiety's" name, and the QUEEN'S! + "In vulgar parlance" "good form"'s the cry-- + Though only a fribble knows what it means. + But "Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!" + Ready, be ready to meet the storm + Against the Riflemen's "shocking bad form!" + + * * * * * + +THE LONDON SCHOOL BOARD VADE MECUM. + +_Question._ What are the functions of the School Board? + +_Answer._ To protest against the conduct of the Educational +Department. + +_Q._ In this protest has the Board the sympathy of the public? + +_A._ Unquestionably; because the conduct of the Educational Department +is calculated to send up rates. + +_Q._ But does not the Department look after the sanitary side of the +matter? + +_A._ Perhaps so; but sanitation is too expensive a matter to be +treated without the maturest consideration. + +_Q._ Are the recommendations of the Department unreasonable? + +_A._ Very. The Board is required to make the most costly alterations +in buildings that have already eaten up a large sum of money, and +should not consume a penny more. + +_Q._ But are not the suggested improvements ones that would be +accepted nowadays in any new design? + +_A._ Certainly, but then their adoption would be the cause of little +or no expense. + +_Q._ Then should science stop still until the rates become abated? + +_A._ That would be the practical course for science to pursue. + +_Q._ But leaving grievances out of the question, what can be said +about education? + +_A._ That is a matter of secondary importance, when compared with the +latest sanitary developments. + +_Q._ But how about the children? Have they been educated? What can be +said about them? + +_A._ Nothing. So far as the School Board is concerned, the question of +education in general is absolutely of secondary importance. + +_Q._ Then the career of a child need not be considered nor watched? + +_A._ Of course not. The sole means suggested for teaching a child +is to squabble with the Government and to more or less ignore the +requirements of the schoolmaster. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ON THE CHANCE." + +_Young Mamma._ "WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE, MY GOOD MAN?" + +_The "Good Man" (seeing she is not a Potato Customer)_. "ONLY BOILING +WATER, MA'AM. YOU SEE, THIS TIME O' YEAR, THE SEA GETS RATHER +COLD, AND SOME OF THE LADIES ARE SO PARTICULAR ABOUT THEIR LITTLE +TODDLEKINS, BLESS 'EM!" + +_Young Mamma (struck with the idea)_. "OH, THEN, PLEASE BE HERE +TO-MORROW MORNING AT EIGHT O'CLOCK, AND BRING TWO CANS!" + +[_At once tenders him a Shilling. Needless to say Our Artist was not +up in time to see if appointment was kept punctually._] + + * * * * * + + +BISHOP BOBADIL. + + ["As to the course which the English Government should take + in this matter, he was in favour of their acting on the + principles enunciated in the Sermon on the Mount; but when it + was found that a contrary course was necessary, then they must + drop the sermon and have recourse to the sword."--The + Bishop of DERRY, in Westminster Abbey, on the subject of + Mashonaland.] + + Of old the bully swaggered free, + He recked not how the fight arose; + He wore his warlike panoply, + A hireling and a man of blows. + + He knew no mercy, was not meek + (The meek are blessed, said the Lord); + If one should smite him on the cheek, + He turned, but turned to draw his sword. + + He trod the weaker in the mire, + Nor stayed from blood his mailed hand, + And tramped in fury and in fire + Through many a devastated land. + + I blame him not, it was his trade; + Though small his care for wrong or right, + At least he fought himself, nor stayed + At home to bid the others fight. + + Long since we've placed him on the shelf; + Behold instead, his crosier drawn, + Within the sacred Minster's self + A bully blustering in lawn. + + A broad-brimmed stirrer up of strife, + "I hold," he cries, "of small account + His sense who stoops to base his life + Upon the Sermon on the Mount. + + "That is, if unprepared to strike. + Some help that Sermon _may_ afford. + You suit yourselves, and, when you like, + You drop it and you draw the sword." + + Go to, you loud and foolish priest, + Nor scorn the precepts you should keep. + Still is it true that, west or east, + The wolves are sometimes clothed like sheep. + + And here ('twas thus in ancient days) + False prophets shame the Master still. + And congregations chant the praise + Of blatant Bishop BOBADIL. + + * * * * * + +WOODMEN, SPARE THOSE TREES! + +_New (New Forest) Version._ + +[Mr. AUBERON HERBERT says "the rapacious and spendthrift" woodmen of +the Crown have recently felled two hundred oaks in the New Forest.] + + Woodmen, spare those trees! + You're playing up rare jokes + In felling, at your ease, + Hundreds of British oaks. + We'd ax you stay your axe. + Come! no official rot! + Or _Punch_'s wrath may wax, + And then--you'll get it hot. + + Those old familiar trees + Are glory and renown. + Don't think your business, _please_, + Is just to hew them down! + We _ask_ you, for the nonce. + If such appeal is vain, + We'll bid you, sharp, at once, + "Cut"--and _don't_ come again! + + * * * * * + + +"GOOD SIR JOHN!" + +(_To Sir John Gilbert, R.A., on his receiving the Freedom of the City._ + +_By an Old Boy._) + + + Good Black (and White) Knight, + Our youth's joint delight, + With that other Black Knight, dear Sir WALTER'S + (Whom you pictured well), + Ancient memories swell, + Till language, in praising you, falters. + You drew, with such dash, + _All_ our heroes; they flash + On our memories. Ah, we thanked _you_ so + For Dons, Rosinantes, + And Sanchos (CERVANTES!) + "Leather-Stocking," and Robinson Crusoe. + Our fancies still carry + Your (SHAKSPEARE'S) King Harry, + We know our own boyhood's sound slumbers + Were haunted by Pucks, + Robin Hoods, Friar Tucks, + And scenes from your brave Christmas Numbers. + God bless you, Sir JOHN, + For your Knight and your Don, + Who moved our youth's fervour and pity! + Sure every Old Boy + Hopes you long may enjoy + The freedom (and health) of our City! + + * * * * * + + +RIDDLE FOR THE GREAT REALIST. + + +_Q._ When is a sailor like a French journalist? + +_A._ When he has to "sign articles." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHO WOULD NOT BE A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT?] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEAT WAY OF PUTTING IT. + +_Cabby_ (_to Clergyman, who has paid the legal fare_). "WON'T LEAVE ME +MUCH FOR THE HOFFERTORY NEXT SUNDAY, SIR, WILL IT?"] + + * * * * * + + +THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES. + +(_By Cunnin Toil._) + +No. V.--THE HUNGARIAN DIAMOND. + +Everybody must remember the apparently causeless panic that seized +the various European governments only a few years ago. It was the dead +season. Members of Parliament were all disporting themselves on the +various grouse-moors which are specially reserved for that august +legislative body in order that there may be no lack of accuracy in the +articles of those who imagine that the 12th of August brings to +every M.P. a yearning for the scent of heather and the sound of +breech-loading guns. Suddenly, and without any warning, a great fear +spread through Europe. Nobody seemed able to state precisely how +it began. There were, of course, some who attributed it to an +after-dinner speech made by the German Emperor at the annual banquet +of the Blue Boesewitzers, the famous Cuirassier regiment of which the +Grand Duke of SCHNUPFTUCHSTEIN is the honorary commanding officer. +Others again saw in it the influence of M. PAUL DEROULEDE, while yet a +third party attributed it with an equal assumption of certainty to the +fact that Austria had recently forbidden the import of Servian pigs. +They were all wrong. The time has come when the truth must be known. +The story I am about to tell will show my extraordinary friend, +PICKLOCK HOLES, on an even higher pinnacle of unmatchable acumen than +that which fame has hitherto assigned to him. He may be vexed when +he reads my narrative of his triumphs, for he is as modest as he is +inductive; but I am determined that, at whatever cost, the story shall +be made public. + +It was on one of those delightful evenings for which our English +summer is famous, that HOLES and I were as usual sitting together and +conversing as to the best methods of inferring an Archbishop from +a hat-band and a Commander-in-Chief from a penny-whistle. I had put +forward several plans which appeared to me to be satisfactory, but +HOLES had scouted them one after another with a cold impassivity which +had not failed to impress me, accustomed though I was to the great +man's exhibition of it. + +"Here," said HOLES, eventually, "are the necessary steps. Hat-band, +band-master, master-mind, mind-your-eye, eye-ball, ball-bearing, +bear-leader, Leda and the Swan, swan-bill, bill-post, post-cart, +cart-road, roadway, Weybridge, bridge-arch, arch-bishop. The inference +of a Commander-in-Chief is even easier. You have only to assume that a +penny-whistle has been found lying on the Horse-Guards' Parade by the +Colonel of the Scots Guards, and carried by him to the office of the +Secretary of State for War. Thereupon you subdivide the number of +drummer-boys in a regiment of Goorkhas by the capital value of a +sergeant's retiring pension, and----" + +But the rest of this marvellous piece of concise reasoning must remain +for ever a secret, for at this moment a bugle-call disturbed the +stillness of the summer night, and HOLES immediately paused. + +"What can that mean?" I asked, in some alarm, for Camberwell (our +meeting place) is an essentially unmilitary district, and I could not +account for this strange and awe-inspiring musical demonstration. + +"Hush," said HOLES, with perfect composure; "it is the agreed signal. +Listen. The great Samovar diamond, the most brilliant jewel in the +turquoise crown of Hungary, has been lost. The Emperor of AUSTRIA is +in despair. Next week he is due at Pesth, but he cannot appear before +the fierce and haughty Magyars in a crown deprived of the decoration +that all Hungary looks upon as symbolical of the national existence. +A riot in Pesth at this moment would shake the Austro-Hungarian empire +to its foundations. With it the Triple Alliance would crumble into +dust, and the peace of Europe would not be worth an hour's purchase. +It is, therefore, imperative that before the dawn of next Monday the +diamond should be restored to its wonted setting." + +"My dear HOLES," I said, "this is more terrible than I thought. +Have they appealed to you, as usual, after exhausting all the native +talent?" + +"My dear POTSON," replied my friend, "you ask too much. Let it suffice +that I have been consulted, and that the determination of the question +of peace or war lies in these hands." And with these words the +arch-detective spread before my eyes those long, sinewy, and +meditative fingers which had so often excited my admiration. + +Our preparations for departure to Hungary were soon made. I hardly +know why I accompanied HOLES. It seemed somehow to be the usual thing +that I should be present at all his feats. I thought he looked for +my company, and though his undemonstrative nature would never have +suffered him to betray any annoyance had I remained absent, I judged +it best not to disturb the even current of his investigations by +departing from established precedent. I therefore departed from +London--my only alternative. Just as we were setting out, HOLES +stopped me with a warning gesture. + +"Have you brought the clue with you?" he asked. + +"What clue?" + +"Oh," he answered, rather testily, "any clue you like, so long as it's +a clue. A torn scrap of paper with writing on it, a foot-print in the +mud, a broken chair, a soiled overcoat--it really doesn't matter what +it is, but a clue of some kind we must have." + +"Of course, of course," I said, in soothing tones. "How stupid of me +to forget it. Will this do?" I continued, picking up a piece of faded +green ribbon which happened to be lying on the pavement. + +"The very thing," said HOLES, pocketing it, and so we started. Our +first visit on arriving at Pesth was to the Emperor-King, who was +living _incognito_ in a small back alley of the Hungarian capital. We +cheered the monarch's heart, and proceeded to call on the leader of +the Opposition in the Hungarian Diet. He was a stern man of some fifty +summers, dressed in the national costume. We found him at supper. +HOLES was the first to speak. "Sir," he said, "resistance is useless. +Your schemes have been discovered. All that is left for you is to +throw yourself upon the mercy of your King." + +The rage of the Magyar was fearful to witness. HOLES continued, +inexorably:--"This piece of green ribbon matches the colour of your +Sunday tunic. Can you swear it has not been torn from the lining? You +cannot. I thought so. Know then that wrapped in this ribbon was found +the great Samovar diamond, and that you, you alone, were concerned in +the robbery." + +At this moment the police broke into the room. + +"Remove his Excellency," said HOLES, "and let him forthwith expiate +his crimes upon the scaffold." + +"But," I ventured to interpose, "where is the diamond? Unless you +restore that----" + +"POTSON," whispered HOLES, almost fiercely, "do not be a fool." + +As he said this, the door once again opened, and the Emperor-King +entered the room, bearing on his head the turquoise crown, in the +centre of which sparkled the great Samovar, "the moon of brilliancy," +as the Hungarian poets love to call it. The Emperor approached the +marvellous detective. "Pardon me," he said, "for troubling you. I have +just found the missing stone under my pillow." + +"Where," said HOLES, "I was about to tell your Majesty that you would +find it." + +"Thank you," said his Majesty, "for restoring to me a valued +possession and ridding me of a knave about whom I have long had my +suspicions." The conclusion of this speech was greeted with loud +"_Eljens_," the Hungarian national shout, in the midst of which we +took our leave. That is the true story of how the peace of Europe was +preserved by my wonderful friend. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired. + +Page 165: 'then' corrected to 'than'. + +"But better a miss, or a magpie or so, + Than that bad, bad form which "Sassiety" shames." + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105 October 7, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39332.txt or 39332.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/3/39332/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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