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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/39332-8.txt b/39332-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d6c15b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/39332-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1731 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 +October 7, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 October 7, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 1, 2012 [EBook #39332] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, October 7th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration] + +"DUE SOUTH!" + +_On Shore in Lulworth Cove._--Odd names on this Southern coast. The +"Tilly Winn Caves,?" for example; likewise "Durdle Dhor," or "Durdle +Door." Who was MATILDA WINN; familiarly styled "TILLY"? An old +fisherman mending his nets,--he is evidently "_The_ Cove of Lulworth +Cove,"--gives me the following tale, which I set down as the + +LEGEND OF TILLY WINN AND DURDLE D'OR. + + The winsome Lady MATILDA WINN, + Was a-ris-to-crati-cal-ly thin, + With dove-like eyes. Her golden hair + Was circled with gems so rich and rare. + White and pink was the healthy skin + Of the winsome Lady MATILDA WINN. + + The Lord of LULWORTH, a somnolent Earl, + Gave his moustache an extra curl + As he woke in the morn, and ope'd his eye, + A passing fair lady was passing by! + Then he swore to himself, "Through thick and thin, + I'll win the Lady MATILDA WINN." + + The Lord of LULWORTH, that somnolent peer, + Gained the young lady's father's ear, + Who said, "My TILLY must me obey. + One week to-morrow shall be the day + When Lulworth's Earl shall become our kin, + By wedding my daughter! my TILLY WINN!" + + MATILDA WINN made signs from shore + To her pirate lover, bold DURDLE D'OR. + Who came at night with ladder of rope, + For TILDA WINN had agreed to elope. + "We're privately married, so 'tis no sin," + Quoth the beautiful Lady MATILDA WINN. + + But the somnolent Earl and the testy Lord + Pursued and caught, ere they got aboard + The pirate vessel, the lovers twain, + Who leapt from the boat! And ne'er again, + When past and gone was the tempest's din, + Were seen DURDLE D'OR and his TILLY WINN. + +There is as pleasant a little hostelrie in Lulworth Cove as is to be +found anywhere in a quiet sort of way, with lunch made and provided, +ready for all comers, be they never so plentiful. Mind always on this +coast command the lobster, he is _toujours à vos ordres_. Those who +can be content with the minimum of variety in the way of amusement, +and with the maximum of health will assuredly find it here, where they +can live the life of a sort of luxurious _Robinson Crusoe_--bathing, +fishing, walking--five or six miles from the nearest railway station, +and visited occasionally by steamboats, which cannot come in quite +close to shore, bringing passengers, from whom tidings may be obtained +of what is going on in the outer world. + +_Note--Of music on board._--Almost every steamboat is accompanied by a +couple of instrumentalists--a harpist and a violinist. These duettists +do uncommonly well pecuniarily, and musically too, considering +the difficulties presented by the sea passages. One of their more +favourite performances is the _intermezzo_ from the _Rusticana_. +Returning from Swanage the wind rather interferes with the strings by +attempting to unfasten the music paper. But the violinist, well on +the alert, has foreseen the probability arising of there being "three +sheets to the wind," and has nailed his colours to the mast, that is, +has tied the music-paper firmly on to the stand. Still, in order to +grapple with rude Boreas, he has to drop a few bars of his part in the +_intermezzo_, a proceeding that causes no sort of inconvenience to the +harpist, who ingeniously "slows off," and adapts time and tune to the +exceptional situation, until the wind, being out of breath with its +mischievous exertions, allows the fiddle-strings to resume their +part in the concert, and kindly permits the two musicians to finish +triumphantly. Their gallant efforts are well rewarded, and the musical +pilgrims collect _largesse_ in a scallop-shell. Back again to P'm'th. + + * * * * * + +THEN AND NOW. + +MR. PUNCH'S REPLY TO THE PREMIER. + + ["There is a popular periodical which, whenever it can, + manifests the Liberal sentiments by which it has been guided + from the first--I mean the periodical _Punch_. At that time I + had the honour of figuring, if I remember right, in a Cartoon + of _Punch_, in connection with the rejection of the Paper + Duty, and a clever Cartoon it was, for I was represented as + a little lad in school, sitting (it was _standing_, Sir--_Mr. + P._) upon a small stool, and Lord DERBY--the Lord DERBY of + that day, who led the House of Lords--was standing over me + with an immense sheet of paper, made into a fool's-cap, which + he planted on my head."--_Mr. Gladstone at Edinburgh, Sept. + 27, 1893._] + + _See Cartoon, "The Paper Cap," in Punch_ (p. 223, vol. + xxxviii.), _June 2, 1860_. + + THIRTY-THREE years ago, my WILLIAM, thirty-three + years ago, + Yet you, as of yore, are well to the fore, and _Punch_, too is + in front also; + And that paper cap was a popular crown, as _Punch_ at the time + suggested; + With the real fool's-cap, by a singular hap, "the Lord DERBY" + himself was invested. + + _Punch_ "advised his friend GLADSTONE to look out for + squalls, and likewise look out his umbrella." + (_Prophetic_ that, but then _Mister P._ was always that + sort of a fella!) + You have used a good many "umbrellas" since then, both Old and New + (Castle) "brollies," + As you needed a stout one in DERBY'S storm, so you will, my + dear WILLIAM, in SOLLY'S. + + You have "had the honour of figuring," Sir, many times since then in + my pages; + As I hope, my dear WILLIAM, with all my heart, you'll continue + to do--oh! for ages! + The same great designer of "clever cartoons" ("our Sir JOHN") + is as lively as ever, + And if _you_'ll give him suitable subjects, dear boy, _he_'ll + still furnish cartoons quite as clever. + + "Liberal sentiments"--"manifest still"--"whenever I can," you say? + Well, Sir! + _My_ sentiments, WILLIAM, are liberal _always_--but + with a small _non-party_ l, Sir! + "Liberal souls devise liberal things"--_you_ know the authority + grand, Sir!-- + If your Liberal things are "liberal," always, by liberal things you + shall stand, Sir. + + There! _Verb. sap._, my long-honoured old chap! May a real + fool's-cap crown you never, + But a Crown of Honour be yours at the end--which we'd wish to + postpone, Sir, for ever! + Thanks very much for your genial touch. We have pleasant joint + memories, many, + Since you fought the good fight on the Paper Duty and a Press at + the Popular Penny! + + * * * * * + +Colourable. + + ["The banners of most of the Dutch regiments have hitherto + been those captured from the French at Waterloo in 1815, since + when they have never been renewed."--_Daily News, September + 22._] + + The Dutch have had second-hand flags to fight under; + And so if "Dutch courage" mean borrowed, what wonder? + + * * * * * + +HISS-TRIONIC QUERY.--Where exists the theatrical manager who, utterly +disregardless of tradition and reckless as to the omen of "the Bird," +would have produced a new piece for the first time _last Friday +night_, which was _Michaelmas Day_, the day sacred to the Goose? We +know of only one manager likely to be so bold, and he would not be so +audacious as to defy the combined omens of ill. + + * * * * * + +Ichabod! + + (_As it generally seems now in Sculling Matches on the Thames._) + + Row, brothers, row! But you don't row fast! + It's foreigner first, and Britisher last! + JOHN no longer can sing now, "I says the Bull" + (As in _Poor Cock Robin_), "_because I can pull!_" + + * * * * * + +COAL AND DRAMA.--Mr. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD says that the Princess's Pit, +which has been closed for a long time, will be at once re-opened. The +price has been generally accepted. + + * * * * * + +NEWS OF THE MATABELE.--The "Impi" are "suffering from want of +supplies." They are impi-cunious. + + * * * * * + +THE MOST GRATUITOUS FORM OF VICE.--Ad-vice! + + * * * * * + +THE REIGN OF RINGLETS. + + ["It is announced that ringlets are to be worn again by + ladies, and that side whiskers are coming in for fashionable + men."--_Daily News._] + +[Illustration] + + Oh prospect Elysian! It called back a vision + Of youth, and those girls of JOHN LEECH'S, JOHN LEECH'S, + Of "corkscrews" that "doddle" all round a fair noddle, + Blue eyes and flushed cheeks like ripe peaches, ripe peaches. + I think of sweet NELLY, whose curls, like a jelly, + Shook soft as she "spooned" me at croquet, at croquet. + But then came lawn tennis old fashion to menace, + And croquet and curls were dubbed "pokey," dubbed "pokey." + + But ringlets! O rapture! One spiral to capture + Of NELL'S many hundreds and snip it, and snip it, + Was simply delightful. She'd swear she "looked frightful" + As into my bosom I'd slip it, I'd slip it. + But one among dozens, on heads like my cousin's, + Love-larceny was, and not robbery, robbery. + If now I dared sever from "tousle-mops" clever + One tress, there would be a rare bobbery, bobbery. + + Ah me! how times alter! My scissors would falter + In trying a _Rape of the Lock to-day, Lock_ to-day. + NELL'S trim buxom body, with curls thick and "doddy," + Would strike the æsthete with a shock to-day, shock to-day. + You only see ringlets on some "poor old thing." Let's + Be kind to the _passé_, but primness, but primness, + With "winkle" curls shaking, is _not_ very taking, + When linked with old-spinster-like slimness,--like slimness. + + I know an "old Biddy"--her name is Miss TWIDDY-- + Who revels in ringlets curled carefully, carefully. + Oh how they doddle around her old noddle! + She's "songful," a taste which I share fully, share fully. + But when she will warble of Halls--they're of Marble,-- + Or Meetings by Moonlight, I'm sorry, I'm sorry + To see curls, and passion, so out of the fashion, + Made mock of by "Up-to-date" FLORRY, -date FLORRY. + + But ringlets reviving? Miss TWIDDY'S long striving + For "Passion's Response" mayn't be hopeless, be hopeless. + In "Days of Pomatum" (for that's how I date 'em) + They used more Macassar, and soap less, and soap less! + Inopportune rain then put things out of train then, + NELL'S mop, how a shower would spoil it, would spoil it! + Curl-papers, concealing--but there, I'm revealing + The mysteries dark of the toilet, the toilet. + + But ringletted friskers, and mutton-chop whiskers, + For "buns" and blue gills closely shaven, -ly shaven! + 'Tis sheer revolution! High Art's contribution + Will be first to croak _à la_ raven, _la_ raven. + Will girls then all giggle with ringlets a-wriggle, + As most of the maids of my youth did, my youth did? + Will male "mutton-chopper," scowl pompously proper, + Like _Dombey_--as _our_ sires in sooth did, in sooth did? + * * * * * + +LIFE (AND DEATH) IN SOUTH AMERICA. + + (_Diary of the week's doings, from our own Correspondent on + the Spot._) + +_Monday._--Matters are still very unsettled, and it will take some +time before public confidence is entirely restored. The policy of the +President in defending the Tramways Extension Bill from the citadel +with grape-shot is condemned as an unwise stretch of the provisions of +the Constitution. It has caused a reorganisation in the Cabinet, +the Secretary for the Interior having resigned, taking with him six +regiments of cavalry, four battalions of infantry, and three brigades +of artillery. This desertion has naturally lessened the chance of the +Employers' Liability Amendment Bill passing this session except at +the point of the bayonet. The division on the first reading of the +Telegraph State Construction Bill was Ayes, 50 killed, 3 wounded; +Noes, 12 killed, 172 wounded. Should this measure pass its second +reading it will be opposed from barricades in committee. + +_Tuesday._--Trade shows some signs of revival, but the continual +bombardment of the Stock Exchange by the opposition fleet in the +offing causes considerable confusion and annoyance. The Minister of +War has retired into a parliamentary cave accompanied by the militia. +It is considered not improbable that this member of the ministry may +throw his ammunition into the scale against his colleagues. The Pauper +Property Insurance Bill has not much chance of passing during the +present year, unless its supporters can bombard the capital. The +second reading of the Lunacy Acts Consolidation Bill was passed with +the assistance of three ironclads and a torpedo catcher. In spite +of the pacific turn that events are now taking, some of the older +inhabitants express considerable uneasiness. + +_Wednesday._--The British Consul has given notice that he will hold +the ministry responsible for the damage done to his residence. On +account of the bombardment he and his family have been forced to +reside in a distant greenhouse. The remainder of the consulate is +razed to the ground. This being the President's birthday, the hall of +the _bureau_ has been crowded with infernal machines sent as presents. +The loud ticking of the concealed machinery has caused several +complaints to be made to the _concierge_. The President and his family +have returned to the seaside. They are being hotly pursued by a large +body of cavalry, infantry, and artillery. However, on the whole the +outlook is brighter, and the trains and omnibuses have recommenced +running. + +_Thursday._--The President has returned to the capital, as the +lodgings he had taken at the seaside were discovered by the rebel +fleet, and bombarded. The business of the session progresses slowly +but surely. The Minister for War, with the assistance of the Militia, +has secured the passing of the vote dealing with his department. He +led the charge in person that carried the "Ayes" Division Lobby. If it +were not for the constant bombardment of all the principal buildings, +and the occasional slaughter of Members of Parliament, things would be +almost normal. There is no doubt that the outlook is peaceful. + +_Friday._.--Things still quieting down. Traffic in the main +thoroughfares is suspended, because the roads are required for charges +of cavalry, and the squares are now used for shell practice. The +fleet have approached closer. This, of course, causes some additional +damage; but as the populace can now hear the bands of the various +ships during the pauses in the bombardment, the arrangement is rather +popular than otherwise. The Government have apologised to the British +Consul for having blown up his house and stables. The incident +consequently is at an end. Several Members of the Cabinet have +accepted the Consul's invitation to lunch. + +_Saturday._.--The Revolution is practically at an end. The fleet are +still bombarding the forts, and the military charge every ten minutes +the populace. The Judges, too, find cause for annoyance in the +constant invasion of the judicial bench by armed artisans. Most of +the fashionable part of the city is in flames, but this is a detail. +However, taking all things into consideration, peace and tranquillity +may be said to be now restored. Of course they are not exactly +the peace and tranquillity of Europe, but they are what people +are accustomed to over here. Should anything of further importance +transpire it shall be wired immediately; but to all appearance the +insurrection is at an end. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW TO SPEND A PLEASANT EVENING! + +["For the purposes of this production the orchestra has been enlarged, +so that some of the instrumentalists have to sit among the audience in +the stalls." _Daily Paper._]] + + * * * * * + +TO THE CONTESTANTS IN THE COAL WAR. + + Oh, stint your rage, abate your rash insanity! + Fight not like fiends, as brother men agree; + And be "the sweet, sad music of humanity," + Played in the _miner_ key! + + * * * * * + +THE IDEAL CONVERSATION. + + [Miss EMILY FAITHFULL, in the _Ladies' Pictorial_, suggests + that girls should always learn up some contribution to make to + the family conversation at table.] + + Miss FAITHFULL, let me send a line + Of most sincere congratulation + On your magnificent design + To raise the tone of conversation; + The plan you kindly recommend + Rejoices many a careful mother, + And, for the future, we intend, + As runs the phrase, "To use no other." + + At breakfast-time we used to talk + On topics commonplace together, + Designed a picnic, planned a walk, + And even criticised the weather; + We gossiped in an idle way, + And made in turn our several guesses + About the age of Mrs. A., + The price of Lady X.'s dresses. + + But now, according to your scheme, + Each carefully-instructed maiden + Discourses on a worthy theme, + And comes with fact and figures laden; + To-day, for instance, MURIEL gave + Some gems from CICERO'S orations, + While MAUD reviewed, in language grave, + The Lower Tertiary Formations. + + And KATE--the mischief-making KATE + Who formerly would merely prattle-- + Described, in accents most sedate, + The use of cavalry in battle. + In fact, by this most noble plan, + Which on your kind advice we're using, + Our conversation never can + Deserve your censure as amusing! + + * * * * * + +THE FOOL WITH A GUN. + + (_To the Tune of the "Temptation of St. Antony."_) + + There are many fools that worry this world, + Fools old, and fools who're young; + Fools with fortunes, and fools without, + Fools who dogmatise, fools who doubt, + Fools who snigger, and fools who shout, + Fools who never know what they're about, + And fools all cheek and tongue; + Fools who're gentlemen, fools who're cads, + Fools who're greybeards, and fools who're lads; + Fools with manias, fools with fads, + Fools with cameras, fools with tracts, + Fools who deny the stubbornest facts, + Fools in theories, fools in acts; + Fools who write Theosophist books, + Fools who believe in Mahatmas and spooks; + Fools who prophesy--races and Tophets-- + Bigger fools who believe in prophets; + Fools who quarrel, and fools who quack; + In fact, there are all sorts of fools in the pack, + Fools fat, thin, short, and tall; + But of all sorts of fools, the Fool with a Gun + (Who points it at someone--of course, "in fun"-- + And fools around till chance murder is done) + Is the worsest fool of them all! + + * * * * * + +"BEING AT CHARGES."--A subject for companion picture to the well-known +"_The Last Charge at Waterloo_" would be "_The Last Charge of the +Archbishop of Canterbury_." For ourselves, in preference to either the +ecclesiastical or the military view of a charge, we like to hear +the Lord Mayor's toast-master call out, "Gentlemen! _Charge_--your +glasses!!" + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE VI.--_The Breakfast-room at Hornbeam Lodge._ + +TIME--8.40 A.M. _on Saturday morning_. Mrs. TOOVEY _is alone_, _making +the tea_. + +_Mrs. Toovey_ (_to herself_). I cannot think what has come to +THEOPHILUS. He has come down late for prayers every morning this week. +Such a bad example for any household, and Cook is beginning to notice +it--I could see it in her eye as she came in. He is so strange in his +manner, too; if I did not know he was absolutely incapable of--but +_why_ did he secrete that abominable programme of CHARLES'S? He _said_ +he kept it with a view to making inquiries, but I have heard nothing +about them since. (_Aloud_, _to_ PH[OE]BE, _who brings in dishes +and two letters_.) Oh, the post, PH[OE]BE? it's late this morning. +(PH[OE]BE _goes out_.) One for Pa, and one for me--from ALTHEA--it was +certainly time she wrote. (_Reading her letter._) "Delightful visit +... the MERRIDEWS so kind ... so much to see and do ... back on Monday +... no time for more at present." Not a word of where she's been or +what she's seen--not at _all_ the letter a girl should write to her +mother! I wonder whom Pa's letter is from? (_She turns it over._) +What's this? "Eldorado Palace of Varieties" printed on the flap! Why, +that's CHARLES'S music-hall! Then Pa _has_ been making inquiries after +all. As CHARLES'S aunt I have a right to---- (_She is about to open +the envelope._) No, I'd better not, I hear Pa's hum--he will be sure +to tell me what they say. + +_Mr. Toovey enters_ (_humming, to give himself a countenance_). Ha, so +you've had prayers without me? Quite right--quite right. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_severely_). Anything _but_ right, Pa. You ought to have +been down long ago. I heard you brushing your hair as I went out. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_feebly_). It was very tiresome, my love, but my +collar-stud got under the wardrobe, and I couldn't get it out for ever +so long. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Your things have taken to behave in a very extraordinary +manner, Pa. Yesterday it was your braces! + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I believe it _was_ my braces yesterday. Ah well, we +must bear with these little vexations--bear with them! (_To himself._) +A letter for me? From the Eldorado! It's the box! I--I hoped Mr. +CURPHEW had forgotten. + +[_He thrusts it into his pocket unopened, in a flurry._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ Is there any reason why you shouldn't read your letter, +Pa? It may be of importance. + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I don't think it is, my love--particularly. It--it will +keep till after breakfast. What is this--kedgeree? Ha! I've come down +with quite an appetite--quite a famous appetite! + + [_He pecks at his kedgeree ostentatiously._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ Perhaps I'd better ring and have two more eggs boiled if +you're so hungry as all that, Pa? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_in terror at this suggestion_). Not for me, my love, not +for me. I--I've made an excellent breakfast! + +_Mrs. Toov._ Then now, Pa, perhaps you will be at leisure to read your +letter. I am curious to know what correspondence you can possibly have +with an Eldorado Palace. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). Oh, dear me, she's seen the flap! Why +do they put the name outside--so thoughtless of them! (_He opens +the letter._) Yes, it _is_ the order. I _can't_ show it to CORNELIA! +(_Aloud._) I--I told you I was making inquiries. + +_Mrs. Toov._ About CHARLES'S habits? So you've written to the Manager, +without consulting me! Well--what does he say? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). I don't like these deceptions--but I +_must_ consider poor CHARLES. (_Aloud._) Oh--hum--very little, my +love, very little indeed, but satisfactory--most satisfactory--he's no +complaint to make of CHARLES--none whatever! + +_Mrs. Toov._ As if it was likely you would get the truth from such a +tainted source! Let me see his letter. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_pocketing the letter again, hastily_). No, my dear +love, you must excuse me--but this is a private and confidential +communication, and--and, in common fairness to CHARLES--I'll trouble +you for another cup of tea. (_To himself._) It's for this very night. +I've a great mind not to go. How am I to make an excuse for getting +away? (_Aloud._) I've half a mind to run up some time, and--and look +in on CHARLES. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). If CHARLES is misconducting himself, I +ought to know--and I _will_, sooner or later. I'm sure THEOPHILUS is +keeping something from me. (_Aloud._) I've only put in one lump, Pa. +You may find him at home if you went up this afternoon. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_relieved_). An excellent suggestion, my love. I _will_ +go this afternoon. He--he might ask me to stay and dine with him; so +if--if I don't come back, you'll know where I am--eh? You won't be +anxious? + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). He's trying to spare me, but I can see +he's _most_ uneasy about CHARLES. (_Aloud._) Well, Pa, I don't like +the idea of your dining out without me--it will be the first time for +years--but still, I shall have to be away myself this evening; +there's a special meeting of the Zenana Mission Committee, and Mrs. +CUMBERBATCH made such a point of my attending--so, if you feel you +really _ought_ to see CHARLES---- + +_Mr. Toov._ Oh. I _do_, my dear. He--he wants looking after. And +perhaps, if I could have a little quiet, serious talk with him, after +dinner--or over a game of draughts. (_To himself._) What a dissembler +I've become; but I _do_ mean to look in on CHARLES, before I go to +this Eldorado place, and there _may_ be time for a game of draughts! + +_Mrs. Toov._ You would learn more, THEOPHILUS, by putting a few +questions to his landlady. But remember, when you come back, I shall +insist on being told everything--_everything_, mind! + +_Mr. Toov._ Oh, of course, my love, of course. (_To himself._) If my +visit proves satisfactory, I--I might tell her. It will depend on how +I feel--entirely on how I feel. + +END OF SCENE VI. + + + SCENE VII.--_The Drawing-room. It is after luncheon._ Mrs. + TOOVEY _is sitting knitting_. + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_entering, in a frock-coat, carrying a tall hat_). +Er--CORNELIA, my love, you don't happen to know where the--the +latchkey is kept, do you? + +_Mrs. Toovey._ The latchkey, THEOPHILUS! One has never been required +in this house _yet_. What can you possibly want with a latchkey? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). These performances go on till a somewhat +advanced hour, I've no doubt, and I might feel it my duty to stay +as long as---- (_Aloud._) I--I only thought it would save PH[OE]BE +sitting up for me, my dear. + +_Mrs. Toov._ You need not trouble yourself about that, THEOPHILUS. I +will sit up for you, if necessary. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_quaking_). But you forget your Zenana Mission, my love; +you will be out yourself this evening! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_severely_). I shall be back by a reasonable hour, +Pa,--and so will _you_, I should hope. + +_Mr. Toov._ I hope so, my love, I'm sure, but--but I may have a good +deal to say to CHARLES, you know. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). There's some mystery about that wretched +boy, I'm certain. If I could only find out what was in that letter. I +wonder if it's in Pa's pocket--I'll soon see. (_Aloud._) Turn round, +Pa. Ah, I _thought_ as much; one of your coat-tail buttons is as +nearly off as it can be! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_innocently_). Dear me! My Sunday coat, too. I never +observed it. Could you just fasten it on a little more securely? + +[Illustration: "Eldorado Palace of Varieties. Admit Mr. Toovey and +Party to Box C. This portion to be retained."] + +_Mrs. Toov._ If you take off your coat. I can't do it with you +prancing about in front of me, Pa. (_Mr. T. takes off his coat._) +Now, I can't have you in my drawing-room in your shirtsleeves--suppose +somebody called! Go into your study and wait there till I've done. +(_Mr. T. departs submissively._) Now if the letter isn't in one of +these pockets, it must be in---- (_She discovers the envelope._) There +it is. _Now_ I shall know what CHARLES---- I'm sure his poor dear +mother would wish to be informed. (_She opens the letter._) "Eldorado +Palace of Varieties. Admit Mr. TOOVEY and party to Box C. This portion +to be retained." (_She tears off a perforated slip._) I _will_ retain +it! So THEOPHILUS has been deceiving me--_this_ is his business with +CHARLES! _This_ is why he kept that programme! And he's allowing +himself to be misled by his own nephew! They're going to this +music-hall to-night, together! He shall _not_ go--never while I--stop, +let me think--yes, he _shall_ go--he shall fill up the measure of his +iniquity, little dreaming that I have the clear proof of his deceit! +(_She thrusts the slip she has torn off into her workbox, and replaces +the envelope with the remainder of the order in the pocket._) There. +He won't notice that anything is missing. He's coming back. I must +control myself, or he will be on his guard. + + [_She pretends to secure the button with unsteady fingers._ + +_Mr. Toov._ (_entering_). CORNELIA, my love, don't trouble to do more +than is absolutely necessary to keep the button secure--because I'm +rather in a hurry. It doesn't matter, so long as it looks respectable! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_with an effort to restrain her feelings_). I daresay it +is quite respectable enough, Pa, for where you are going. + +_Mr. Toov._ Quite, indeed, my dear. But it would never have done to go +and call on CHARLES with a button off the back of my coat--no, no. It +was fortunate you noticed it in time, my love. + +_Mrs. Toov._ I hope it will prove so, THEOPHILUS. (_To herself._) And +this monster of duplicity is Pa! Oh, I wish I could tell him what I +thought of him, but not yet--we will have our reckoning later! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_after putting on his coat_). Then I think I must be +going. Any message I can take to CHARLES? + +_Mrs. Toov._ Yes, tell him that I trust he will profit by his good +Uncle's example, and that I expect him to dinner on Monday. I may +require to have a serious talk with him myself, if your account of +this evening is not perfectly satisfactory. + +_Mr. Toov._ I'll tell him, my love, but there's no reason to make +yourself uneasy about CHARLES--he'll behave himself--he'll behave +himself. (_To himself, as he goes out._) I must go and see CHARLES +now. Oh dear, I do feel so apprehensive about this visit to the +Eldorado.--If I could put it off.--But I can't continue to hold those +shares without some knowledge---- And Mr. CURPHEW made such a point of +my going. No, I must go. I--I don't see how I can get out of it! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_alone_). There he goes, looking so meek and lamblike! +Who would suspect, to see him, that that black coat of his was +buttoned round a whited sepulchre? Oh, Pa, Pa! That after all these +years of blameless life you should suddenly be seized with a +depraved desire for unhallowed amusement like this! While I am at +the CUMBERBATCHES, engaged in discussing the affairs of the Zenana +Mission, you and CHARLES will be---- Stop. How do I know he is going +with CHARLES at all? If he is capable of deceiving me in one respect, +why not in all? (_She takes out the slip and looks at it._) Mr. TOOVEY +and party! _What_ party? May not Pa have been leading a--a double life +all these years for anything I can tell? He is going to the Eldorado +to-night with _somebody_--that's clear. Who is it? I shall never be +easy till I know. And why should I not? There's the meeting, though. +I might have a headache. Yes, that will do. (_She goes to her +writing-table._) No, I won't write. I can make some excuse to ELIZA +when I see her. And instead of going to the CUMBERBATCHES this +evening, I can easily slip up to Waterloo and ask my way to this +place. There will be no difficulty in that. Yes, I will go, whatever +it costs me. And when Pa goes into this Box C of his, he will find his +"party" is larger than he expected! + +END OF SCENE VII. + + * * * * * + +PLAYING THE DEUCE AT THE HAYMARKET. + +Of course, to speak with theological accuracy, _The Tempter_, being +the "very devil incarnate," ought to be "damned." That this has +not been his fate at the Haymarket is owing to Mr. BEERBOHM TREE +primarily, to his company secondarily, and to the author remotely. To +treat in any fresh dramatic form the story of _Faust and Marguerite_, +a dramatist must be the subject of a special and peculiar inspiration. +Now what this play lacks is inspiration. + +What in this piece ENRY HAUTHOR JONES mistook for the "divine +afflatus" is mere long-windedness. His _Tempter_ may be an entertainer +assuming various disguises, and more and more like himself on every +occasion, but a real devil he is not, except so far as Mr. TREE with +wonderful art makes him; and, even then, the question is forced +upon us, would any devil with any sort of self-respect, pick up a +cross-handled dagger just as if it were an ordinary walking-stick, and +politely return it to its owner? This is the first time that a +devil on the stage hasn't shuddered and grovelled at the sight of +a cross-handle. Again, how far more effective would some of the +supernatural movements of this irreclaimably wicked personage have +been had they been performed by means of some clever arrangement +of "wires," such as that with which Mlle. ÆNEA used to astonish the +public? Where are the stage mechanists who assisted GEORGE CONQUEST, +that unique representative of sprites and gnomes, who achieved success +by "leaps and bounds?" + +Fortunately the piece does not depend for its success on mere +mechanism, but on the acting of Mr. TREE, which is in all respects +admirable in its diabolical variety; much depends, too, on Mrs. +TREE, who is charming and sympathetic in a small part. Mr. TERRY, +who occasionally, in tone and look, reminds me of HENRY IRVING, +contributes his share towards the general histrionic excellence, as +also does Miss JULIA NEILSON, who in tone and action frequently +makes me wish that once and for ever she would give up attempting +an imitation of ELLEN TERRY. But be it said that the acting of this +couple is remarkably good in the love scene, as it is also in the very +trying death scene, which could have been so easily and so utterly +ruined. + +[Illustration: "Arbor in Arbore." A Wood Engraving.] + +The author is at his best in his curt, cynical sentences. Epigrams are +few and far between in the play, but what there are go to the devil, +that is, are given to the "Old Gentleman," with the best possible +result. ENRY HAUTHOR is at his worst in the long speeches, not one +of which, no matter to whom it may fall, but would be the better for +cutting. Of course, suggestions for abbreviating the _Tempter_'s +part would not be favourably entertained by the principal actor, +as, naturally enough, any Tree objects to being cut down: and as his +personal success is too decided for him to be "cut up," the Tree will +have to remain, though lopping and pruning would be advantageous to +the growth and strength of this Tree now that it has assumed these +proportions. And the moral? Well, GOETHE, I think, in the poem was a +trifle hazy about the ultimate fate of his lovers; but in the opera +there is no doubt about it. With _Marguerite_ it was "Here we go up, +up, up," and with _Faust_ it was just the reverse: but the operatic +_Faust_ will always "go down" when sung and played as it was this +season at Covent Garden. I forget what BOÎTO does with his erring +couple, but where Mr. JONES'S demon resembles BOÎTO'S, and also +BYRON'S, Satan, is in his monologues addressed directly to the Supreme +Being. But those Satans were Fallen Archangels of Heaven; this of +'ENRY HAUTHOR'S is a Fallen Angel of Islington. This illogical demon +sneers at one of the characters for not using language sufficiently +strong to express his feelings; yet when his own turn comes his +blasphemy is vulgar, and so mild that not the sternest magistrate +would like to fine him for it. And strange to say, in one passage +(which most persons would have deemed objectionable, did it not +come to them on the authority of the Lord Chamberlain's Theatrical +Licensing office), the Prince of Darkness shows himself a gentleman +curiously ignorant of such elementary Christian theology as he could +have picked up from a penny catechism. How Mr. TREE was ever in-deuced +to attempt the _Tempter_ by ENRY HAUTHOR, will remain a mystery to the +end of the run, and if that should be in the far distant future, +the mystery will be Tree-mendous, and absolutely impenetrable. The +costumes are artistic and superb, the scenery effective, though the +majestic proportions of Canterbury Cathedral are rather dwarfed by the +imposing figure of the Very Deuce, who is "all over the place." + + * * * * * + +Morning Thought. + + (_By a chilly Autumn Guest at a Country House._) + + _GR-R-R-R!_ No fire in the grate--for our hostess is thrifty-- + Although the thermometer stands below fifty! + Well, I wish to be courteous and sober; + But the _biggest_ of pests is that pig of a host-- + In a climate like ours, too!--who makes it his boast + That "he _never_ starts fires till October!" + + * * * * * + +A GOOD KICK-OFF.--The "Rugby" decision against "professional" +football. Let us hope it will be followed by an equally energetic +"kick-out" of the growing "rowdy" element in this popular, if somewhat +over-praised, "National game." All good sportsmen long to see a +"penalty kick" administered to blackguardism in the football field. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION. + +_Ducal Butler_ (_showing Art Treasures of Stilton Castle_). "THE THREE +GRACES--AFTER CANOVA!" + +_Mrs. Ramsbotham._ "HOW INTERESTING! AND PRAY, WHICH IS THE _PRESENT_ +DUCHESS?"] + + * * * * * + +ALEXANDER AND DIOGENES. + +(_Modern Teutonic Version._) + + ["My complaint being of a nervous character, I share the + opinion of my doctor that, if I pass the winter in the midst + of my accustomed surroundings and occupations, it will be + the most likely means of promoting my recovery."--_Prince + Bismarck's reply to the German Emperor's Letter._] + +_Diogenes_ (_of Kissingen_) loquitur:-- + + _Only to leave me to my tub!_ Ha! had him _there_ I flatter me! + Too late, my ALEXANDER, now to butter or to batter me! + You "Dropped the Pilot"--with that youthful confidence that some adore-- + The "whirligig of time" has turned; the "Pilot" drops the "Commodore." + + A _fico_ for Imperial "Pots," and their young princely progenies. + Belated condescension won't conciliate DIOGENES. + Cynic and Conqueror exchange compliments Ciceronian, + But--there's a sting in some smooth words, for a mouthing Macedonian. + + Mine are not _sanitary_ "tubs," the Varzin, or the other one + At Friedrichsruh, you hint. Oh get away, and do not bother one! + I've got a "nervous system" now, and noisy, young, despotical, + "Shock-headed Peters" worry one, when aged and neurotical. + + Your castles, and your palaces, and things, in Central Germany, + I "trample on"--like Plato's pride. Ha! does that make you squirm any? + Confer with your Court Marshal, if you like; I only promise I'll + Transfer my Tub--to Friedrichsruh, when up to change of domicile. + + "How to command men" is my skill, as 'twas of him of Pontus, Sire, + _You_ can't command such men as I just when you chance to want us, Sire! + As soon as Doctor SCHWENINGER says he has no objection, Sire, + I'll travel to another Tub--but not of your selection, Sire. + + _Sings_-- + + 'Midst castles and palaces though I _might_ roam, + Be it ever so humble there's no place like home. + The charm of the Tub seems to hallow me there, + Which all Central Germany's castles can't share. + Home! home! Sweet, sweet home! + Though 'tis only a Tub, there is no place like home! + + An exile from court, castles dazzle in vain. + Oh! give me my Tub and I'll gladly remain. + A proud ALEXANDER I'm sorry (!) to snub, + But--keep your fine castles, leave me to my Tub! + Home! home! Sweet, sweet home! + Though you mayn't like its "climate," there's no place like home! + + [_Left curled up in it._ + + * * * * * + + +"PAS MÊME ACADÉMICIEN!" + + [ALBERT MOORE, the exquisite decorative painter, died on + September 25, at the age of fifty-two, "without Academic + honour."] + + "LOVE is enough." Beauty, it seems, is not. + And yet upon our land's artistic fame, + It seems--does it not, Sirs?--a bitter blot + That the official roll lacks this great name! + No matter! The R. A., with tight-closed door, + Hath less--of honour; English Art hath MOORE. + + * * * * * + +"Did you hear PADEREWSKI the pianist?" asked someone of our old friend +Mrs. R. "Oh, yes," she replied; "I was most fortunate. He played for +several hours at a friend's house, and he gave us the whole of his +Repartee." + + * * * * * + +RIDDLE BY 'ARRY.--"Look 'ere, if you're speakin' of a young unmarried +lady bein' rather 'uffy, what well-known river would you name?--Why, +_'Miss is 'ippy'_, o' course." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALEXANDER AND DIOGENES. + +ALEXANDER. "IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU? CASTLE? OR ANYTHING OF +THAT SORT?" DIOGENES. "NO--ONLY TO LEAVE ME TO MY TUB!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GUESTS TO BE AVOIDED. + +"HULLO, OLD MAN! HOW'S IT YOU'RE DINING AT THE CLUB? THOUGHT YOUR WIFE +TOLD ME SHE HAD THE BROWNS AND SMITHS TO DINNER THIS EVENING?" + +"NO--THAT WAS YESTERDAY. THIS EVENING SHE HAS THE ODDS AND ENDS!"] + + * * * * * + +RIFLEMEN--"FORM!" + +(_A new Volunteer Song, "in vulgar parlance," Brought up to date, +after Lord Tennyson_.) + + ["It is not going too far to say that thousands of men best + fitted, physically and morally, to serve as officers or in the + ranks, hold aloof from the Volunteers, because they are keenly + alive to inefficiency of the average Volunteer. In vulgar + parlance they look upon Volunteering as 'bad form.'"--_The + Times._] + + There is a sound that must terribly jar + On the ears of the West in our finical day; + 'Tisn't a sound of battle and war, + But of something much worse in its "vulgar" way. + Storm's warm about Volunteer "form," + Ready, be ready against that storm! + "Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!" + + Be not deaf to the sound that warns! + What? "Bad form!"--that's a prig's last plea. + Are figs of thistles? or grapes of thorns? + How can W. feel with E. C.? + "Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!" + Ready to meet "Sassiety's" storm! + Riflemen, Riflemen, shun "bad form!" + + Reform your "form"! Abide nothing "low"! + Look to yon butts, and take good aims! + But better a miss, or a magpie or so, + Than that bad, bad form which "Sassiety" shames. + Storm's warm about Volunteer "form," + Ready, be ready against that storm! + Riflemen, Riflemen, Riflemen--"Form!!!" + + For "form" be ready to do or die + "Form," in "Sassiety's" name, and the QUEEN'S! + "In vulgar parlance" "good form"'s the cry-- + Though only a fribble knows what it means. + But "Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!" + Ready, be ready to meet the storm + Against the Riflemen's "shocking bad form!" + + * * * * * + +THE LONDON SCHOOL BOARD VADE MECUM. + +_Question._ What are the functions of the School Board? + +_Answer._ To protest against the conduct of the Educational +Department. + +_Q._ In this protest has the Board the sympathy of the public? + +_A._ Unquestionably; because the conduct of the Educational Department +is calculated to send up rates. + +_Q._ But does not the Department look after the sanitary side of the +matter? + +_A._ Perhaps so; but sanitation is too expensive a matter to be +treated without the maturest consideration. + +_Q._ Are the recommendations of the Department unreasonable? + +_A._ Very. The Board is required to make the most costly alterations +in buildings that have already eaten up a large sum of money, and +should not consume a penny more. + +_Q._ But are not the suggested improvements ones that would be +accepted nowadays in any new design? + +_A._ Certainly, but then their adoption would be the cause of little +or no expense. + +_Q._ Then should science stop still until the rates become abated? + +_A._ That would be the practical course for science to pursue. + +_Q._ But leaving grievances out of the question, what can be said +about education? + +_A._ That is a matter of secondary importance, when compared with the +latest sanitary developments. + +_Q._ But how about the children? Have they been educated? What can be +said about them? + +_A._ Nothing. So far as the School Board is concerned, the question of +education in general is absolutely of secondary importance. + +_Q._ Then the career of a child need not be considered nor watched? + +_A._ Of course not. The sole means suggested for teaching a child +is to squabble with the Government and to more or less ignore the +requirements of the schoolmaster. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ON THE CHANCE." + +_Young Mamma._ "WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE, MY GOOD MAN?" + +_The "Good Man" (seeing she is not a Potato Customer)_. "ONLY BOILING +WATER, MA'AM. YOU SEE, THIS TIME O' YEAR, THE SEA GETS RATHER +COLD, AND SOME OF THE LADIES ARE SO PARTICULAR ABOUT THEIR LITTLE +TODDLEKINS, BLESS 'EM!" + +_Young Mamma (struck with the idea)_. "OH, THEN, PLEASE BE HERE +TO-MORROW MORNING AT EIGHT O'CLOCK, AND BRING TWO CANS!" + +[_At once tenders him a Shilling. Needless to say Our Artist was not +up in time to see if appointment was kept punctually._] + + * * * * * + + +BISHOP BOBADIL. + + ["As to the course which the English Government should take + in this matter, he was in favour of their acting on the + principles enunciated in the Sermon on the Mount; but when it + was found that a contrary course was necessary, then they must + drop the sermon and have recourse to the sword."--The + Bishop of DERRY, in Westminster Abbey, on the subject of + Mashonaland.] + + Of old the bully swaggered free, + He recked not how the fight arose; + He wore his warlike panoply, + A hireling and a man of blows. + + He knew no mercy, was not meek + (The meek are blessèd, said the Lord); + If one should smite him on the cheek, + He turned, but turned to draw his sword. + + He trod the weaker in the mire, + Nor stayed from blood his mailèd hand, + And tramped in fury and in fire + Through many a devastated land. + + I blame him not, it was his trade; + Though small his care for wrong or right, + At least he fought himself, nor stayed + At home to bid the others fight. + + Long since we've placed him on the shelf; + Behold instead, his crosier drawn, + Within the sacred Minster's self + A bully blustering in lawn. + + A broad-brimmed stirrer up of strife, + "I hold," he cries, "of small account + His sense who stoops to base his life + Upon the Sermon on the Mount. + + "That is, if unprepared to strike. + Some help that Sermon _may_ afford. + You suit yourselves, and, when you like, + You drop it and you draw the sword." + + Go to, you loud and foolish priest, + Nor scorn the precepts you should keep. + Still is it true that, west or east, + The wolves are sometimes clothed like sheep. + + And here ('twas thus in ancient days) + False prophets shame the Master still. + And congregations chant the praise + Of blatant Bishop BOBADIL. + + * * * * * + +WOODMEN, SPARE THOSE TREES! + +_New (New Forest) Version._ + +[Mr. AUBERON HERBERT says "the rapacious and spendthrift" woodmen of +the Crown have recently felled two hundred oaks in the New Forest.] + + Woodmen, spare those trees! + You're playing up rare jokes + In felling, at your ease, + Hundreds of British oaks. + We'd ax you stay your axe. + Come! no official rot! + Or _Punch_'s wrath may wax, + And then--you'll get it hot. + + Those old familiar trees + Are glory and renown. + Don't think your business, _please_, + Is just to hew them down! + We _ask_ you, for the nonce. + If such appeal is vain, + We'll bid you, sharp, at once, + "Cut"--and _don't_ come again! + + * * * * * + + +"GOOD SIR JOHN!" + +(_To Sir John Gilbert, R.A., on his receiving the Freedom of the City._ + +_By an Old Boy._) + + + Good Black (and White) Knight, + Our youth's joint delight, + With that other Black Knight, dear Sir WALTER'S + (Whom you pictured well), + Ancient memories swell, + Till language, in praising you, falters. + You drew, with such dash, + _All_ our heroes; they flash + On our memories. Ah, we thanked _you_ so + For Dons, Rosinantes, + And Sanchos (CERVANTES!) + "Leather-Stocking," and Robinson Crusoe. + Our fancies still carry + Your (SHAKSPEARE'S) King Harry, + We know our own boyhood's sound slumbers + Were haunted by Pucks, + Robin Hoods, Friar Tucks, + And scenes from your brave Christmas Numbers. + God bless you, Sir JOHN, + For your Knight and your Don, + Who moved our youth's fervour and pity! + Sure every Old Boy + Hopes you long may enjoy + The freedom (and health) of our City! + + * * * * * + + +RIDDLE FOR THE GREAT REALIST. + + +_Q._ When is a sailor like a French journalist? + +_A._ When he has to "sign articles." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHO WOULD NOT BE A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT?] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEAT WAY OF PUTTING IT. + +_Cabby_ (_to Clergyman, who has paid the legal fare_). "WON'T LEAVE ME +MUCH FOR THE HOFFERTORY NEXT SUNDAY, SIR, WILL IT?"] + + * * * * * + + +THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES. + +(_By Cunnin Toil._) + +No. V.--THE HUNGARIAN DIAMOND. + +Everybody must remember the apparently causeless panic that seized +the various European governments only a few years ago. It was the dead +season. Members of Parliament were all disporting themselves on the +various grouse-moors which are specially reserved for that august +legislative body in order that there may be no lack of accuracy in the +articles of those who imagine that the 12th of August brings to +every M.P. a yearning for the scent of heather and the sound of +breech-loading guns. Suddenly, and without any warning, a great fear +spread through Europe. Nobody seemed able to state precisely how +it began. There were, of course, some who attributed it to an +after-dinner speech made by the German Emperor at the annual banquet +of the Blue Bösewitzers, the famous Cuirassier regiment of which the +Grand Duke of SCHNUPFTUCHSTEIN is the honorary commanding officer. +Others again saw in it the influence of M. PAUL DEROULÈDE, while yet a +third party attributed it with an equal assumption of certainty to the +fact that Austria had recently forbidden the import of Servian pigs. +They were all wrong. The time has come when the truth must be known. +The story I am about to tell will show my extraordinary friend, +PICKLOCK HOLES, on an even higher pinnacle of unmatchable acumen than +that which fame has hitherto assigned to him. He may be vexed when +he reads my narrative of his triumphs, for he is as modest as he is +inductive; but I am determined that, at whatever cost, the story shall +be made public. + +It was on one of those delightful evenings for which our English +summer is famous, that HOLES and I were as usual sitting together and +conversing as to the best methods of inferring an Archbishop from +a hat-band and a Commander-in-Chief from a penny-whistle. I had put +forward several plans which appeared to me to be satisfactory, but +HOLES had scouted them one after another with a cold impassivity which +had not failed to impress me, accustomed though I was to the great +man's exhibition of it. + +"Here," said HOLES, eventually, "are the necessary steps. Hat-band, +band-master, master-mind, mind-your-eye, eye-ball, ball-bearing, +bear-leader, Leda and the Swan, swan-bill, bill-post, post-cart, +cart-road, roadway, Weybridge, bridge-arch, arch-bishop. The inference +of a Commander-in-Chief is even easier. You have only to assume that a +penny-whistle has been found lying on the Horse-Guards' Parade by the +Colonel of the Scots Guards, and carried by him to the office of the +Secretary of State for War. Thereupon you subdivide the number of +drummer-boys in a regiment of Goorkhas by the capital value of a +sergeant's retiring pension, and----" + +But the rest of this marvellous piece of concise reasoning must remain +for ever a secret, for at this moment a bugle-call disturbed the +stillness of the summer night, and HOLES immediately paused. + +"What can that mean?" I asked, in some alarm, for Camberwell (our +meeting place) is an essentially unmilitary district, and I could not +account for this strange and awe-inspiring musical demonstration. + +"Hush," said HOLES, with perfect composure; "it is the agreed signal. +Listen. The great Samovar diamond, the most brilliant jewel in the +turquoise crown of Hungary, has been lost. The Emperor of AUSTRIA is +in despair. Next week he is due at Pesth, but he cannot appear before +the fierce and haughty Magyars in a crown deprived of the decoration +that all Hungary looks upon as symbolical of the national existence. +A riot in Pesth at this moment would shake the Austro-Hungarian empire +to its foundations. With it the Triple Alliance would crumble into +dust, and the peace of Europe would not be worth an hour's purchase. +It is, therefore, imperative that before the dawn of next Monday the +diamond should be restored to its wonted setting." + +"My dear HOLES," I said, "this is more terrible than I thought. +Have they appealed to you, as usual, after exhausting all the native +talent?" + +"My dear POTSON," replied my friend, "you ask too much. Let it suffice +that I have been consulted, and that the determination of the question +of peace or war lies in these hands." And with these words the +arch-detective spread before my eyes those long, sinewy, and +meditative fingers which had so often excited my admiration. + +Our preparations for departure to Hungary were soon made. I hardly +know why I accompanied HOLES. It seemed somehow to be the usual thing +that I should be present at all his feats. I thought he looked for +my company, and though his undemonstrative nature would never have +suffered him to betray any annoyance had I remained absent, I judged +it best not to disturb the even current of his investigations by +departing from established precedent. I therefore departed from +London--my only alternative. Just as we were setting out, HOLES +stopped me with a warning gesture. + +"Have you brought the clue with you?" he asked. + +"What clue?" + +"Oh," he answered, rather testily, "any clue you like, so long as it's +a clue. A torn scrap of paper with writing on it, a foot-print in the +mud, a broken chair, a soiled overcoat--it really doesn't matter what +it is, but a clue of some kind we must have." + +"Of course, of course," I said, in soothing tones. "How stupid of me +to forget it. Will this do?" I continued, picking up a piece of faded +green ribbon which happened to be lying on the pavement. + +"The very thing," said HOLES, pocketing it, and so we started. Our +first visit on arriving at Pesth was to the Emperor-King, who was +living _incognito_ in a small back alley of the Hungarian capital. We +cheered the monarch's heart, and proceeded to call on the leader of +the Opposition in the Hungarian Diet. He was a stern man of some fifty +summers, dressed in the national costume. We found him at supper. +HOLES was the first to speak. "Sir," he said, "resistance is useless. +Your schemes have been discovered. All that is left for you is to +throw yourself upon the mercy of your King." + +The rage of the Magyar was fearful to witness. HOLES continued, +inexorably:--"This piece of green ribbon matches the colour of your +Sunday tunic. Can you swear it has not been torn from the lining? You +cannot. I thought so. Know then that wrapped in this ribbon was found +the great Samovar diamond, and that you, you alone, were concerned in +the robbery." + +At this moment the police broke into the room. + +"Remove his Excellency," said HOLES, "and let him forthwith expiate +his crimes upon the scaffold." + +"But," I ventured to interpose, "where is the diamond? Unless you +restore that----" + +"POTSON," whispered HOLES, almost fiercely, "do not be a fool." + +As he said this, the door once again opened, and the Emperor-King +entered the room, bearing on his head the turquoise crown, in the +centre of which sparkled the great Samovar, "the moon of brilliancy," +as the Hungarian poets love to call it. The Emperor approached the +marvellous detective. "Pardon me," he said, "for troubling you. I have +just found the missing stone under my pillow." + +"Where," said HOLES, "I was about to tell your Majesty that you would +find it." + +"Thank you," said his Majesty, "for restoring to me a valued +possession and ridding me of a knave about whom I have long had my +suspicions." The conclusion of this speech was greeted with loud +"_Eljens_," the Hungarian national shout, in the midst of which we +took our leave. That is the true story of how the peace of Europe was +preserved by my wonderful friend. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired. + +Page 165: 'then' corrected to 'than'. + +"But better a miss, or a magpie or so, + Than that bad, bad form which "Sassiety" shames." + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105 October 7, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39332-8.txt or 39332-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/3/39332/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 October 7, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 1, 2012 [EBook #39332] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page157" id="page157"></a>[pg 157]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1> + +<h2>Volume 105, October 7th 1893</h2> + +<h4><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h4> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">"DUE SOUTH!"</h2> +<blockquote> +<p><i>On Shore in Lulworth Cove.</i>—Odd names on this Southern coast. +The "Tilly Winn Caves,?" for example; likewise "Durdle Dhor," +or "Durdle Door." Who was <span class="sc">Matilda Winn</span>; familiarly styled. +"<span class="sc">Tilly</span>"? An old fisherman mending his nets,—he is evidently +"<i>The</i> Cove of Lulworth +Cove,"—gives me the following +tale, which I set +down as the</p></blockquote> + +<h4>LEGEND OF TILLY WINN <span class="sc">and</span> DURDLE D'OR.</h4> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/157-550.png"><img src="images/157-300.png" width="300" height="397" alt="An old fisherman mending his nets" /></a></div> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The winsome Lady <span class="sc">Matilda Winn</span>,</p> +<p>Was a-ris-to-crati-cal-ly thin,</p> +<p class="i2">With dove-like eyes. Her golden hair</p> +<p class="i2">Was circled with gems so rich and rare.</p> +<p>White and pink was the healthy skin</p> +<p>Of the winsome Lady <span class="sc">Matilda Winn</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The Lord of <span class="sc">Lulworth</span>, a somnolent Earl,</p> +<p>Gave his moustache an extra curl</p> +<p class="i2">As he woke in the morn, and ope'd his eye,</p> +<p class="i2">A passing fair lady was passing by!</p> +<p>Then he swore to himself, "Through thick and thin,</p> +<p>I'll win the Lady <span class="sc">Matilda Winn</span>."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The Lord of <span class="sc">Lulworth</span>, that somnolent peer,</p> +<p>Gained the young lady's father's ear,</p> +<p class="i2">Who said, "My <span class="sc">Tilly</span> must me obey.</p> +<p class="i2">One week to-morrow shall be the day</p> +<p>When Lulworth's Earl shall become our kin,</p> +<p>By wedding my daughter! my <span class="sc">Tilly Winn</span>!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Matilda Winn</span> made signs from shore</p> +<p>To her pirate lover, bold <span class="sc">Durdle d'Or</span>.</p> +<p class="i2">Who came at night with ladder of rope,</p> +<p class="i2">For <span class="sc">Tilda Winn</span> had agreed to elope.</p> +<p>"We're privately married, so 'tis no sin,"</p> +<p>Quoth the beautiful Lady <span class="sc">Matilda Winn</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But the somnolent Earl and the testy Lord</p> +<p>Pursued and caught, ere they got aboard</p> +<p class="i2">The pirate vessel, the lovers twain,</p> +<p class="i2">Who leapt from the boat! And ne'er again,</p> +<p>When past and gone was the tempest's din,</p> +<p>Were seen <span class="sc">Durdle D'or</span> and his <span class="sc">Tilly Winn</span>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>There is as pleasant a little hostelrie in Lulworth Cove as is +to be found anywhere in a quiet sort of way, with lunch made +and provided, ready for all comers, be they never so plentiful. +Mind always on this coast command the lobster, he is <i>toujours +à vos ordres</i>. Those who can be content with the minimum of +variety in the way of amusement, and with the maximum of health +will assuredly find it here, where they can live the life of a sort +of luxurious <i>Robinson Crusoe</i>—bathing, fishing, walking—five or +six miles from the nearest railway station, and visited occasionally +by steamboats, which cannot come in quite close to shore, bringing +passengers, from whom tidings may be obtained of what is going on +in the outer world.</p> + +<p><i>Note—Of music on board.</i>—Almost every steamboat is accompanied +by a couple of instrumentalists—a harpist and a violinist. +These duettists do uncommonly well pecuniarily, and musically too, +considering the difficulties presented by the sea passages. One of +their more favourite performances is the <i>intermezzo</i> from the +<i>Rusticana</i>. Returning from Swanage the wind rather interferes +with the strings by attempting to unfasten the music paper. But +the violinist, well on the alert, has foreseen the probability arising +of there being "three sheets to the wind," and has nailed his colours +to the mast, that is, has tied the music-paper firmly on to the stand. +Still, in order to grapple with rude Boreas, he has to drop a few bars +of his part in the <i>intermezzo</i>, a proceeding that causes no sort of +inconvenience to the harpist, who ingeniously "slows off," and +adapts time and tune to the exceptional situation, until the wind, +being out of breath with its mischievous exertions, allows the fiddle-strings +to resume their part in the concert, and kindly permits the +two musicians to finish triumphantly. Their gallant efforts are well +rewarded, and the musical pilgrims collect <i>largesse</i> in a scallop-shell. +Back again to P'm'th.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THEN AND NOW.</h2> + +<h3><span class="sc">Mr. Punch's Reply to the Premier.</span></h3> + +<blockquote><p> +["There is a popular periodical which, whenever it can, manifests the +Liberal sentiments by which it has been guided from the first—I mean the +periodical <i>Punch</i>. At that time I had the honour of figuring, if I remember +right, in a Cartoon of <i>Punch</i>, in connection with the rejection of the Paper +Duty, and a clever Cartoon it was, for I was represented as a little lad in +school, sitting (it was <i>standing</i>, Sir—<i>Mr. P.</i>) upon a small stool, and Lord +<span class="sc">Derby</span>—the Lord <span class="sc">Derby</span> of that day, who led the House of Lords—was +standing over me with an immense sheet of paper, made into a fool's-cap, +which he planted on my head."—<i>Mr. Gladstone at Edinburgh, Sept. 27, 1893.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<p class="center"><i>See Cartoon, "The Paper Cap," in Punch</i> (p. 223, vol. xxxviii.), <i>June 2, 1860</i>. +</p> + +<div class="poem2"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Thirty-three</span> years ago, my <span class="sc">William</span>, thirty-three years ago,</p> +<p>Yet you, as of yore, are well to the fore, and <i>Punch</i>, too is in front also;</p> +<p>And that paper cap was a popular crown, as <i>Punch</i> at the time suggested;</p> +<p>With the real fool's-cap, by a singular hap, "the Lord <span class="sc">Derby</span>" himself was invested.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Punch</i> "advised his friend <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> to look out for squalls, and likewise look out his umbrella."</p> +<p>(<i>Prophetic</i> that, but then <i>Mister P.</i> was always that sort of a fella!)</p> +<p>You have used a good many "umbrellas" since then, both Old and New (Castle) "brollies,"</p> +<p>As you needed a stout one in <span class="sc">Derby's</span> storm, so you will, my dear <span class="sc">William</span>, in <span class="sc">Solly's</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You have "had the honour of figuring," Sir, many times since then in my pages;</p> +<p>As I hope, my dear <span class="sc">William</span>, with all my heart, you'll continue to do—oh! for ages!</p> +<p>The same great designer of "clever cartoons" ("our Sir <span class="sc">John</span>") is as lively as ever,</p> +<p>And if <i>you</i>'ll give him suitable subjects, dear boy, <i>he</i>'ll still furnish cartoons quite as clever.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Liberal sentiments"—"manifest still"—"whenever I can," you say? Well, Sir!</p> +<p><i>My</i> sentiments, <span class="sc">William</span>, are liberal <i>always</i>—but with a small <i>non-party</i> l, Sir!</p> +<p>"Liberal souls devise liberal things"—<i>you</i> know the authority grand, Sir!—</p> +<p>If your Liberal things are "liberal," always, by liberal things you shall stand, Sir.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>There! <i>Verb. sap.</i>, my long-honoured old chap! May a real fool's-cap crown you never,</p> +<p>But a Crown of Honour be yours at the end—which we'd wish to postpone, Sir, for ever!</p> +<p>Thanks very much for your genial touch. We have pleasant joint memories, many,</p> +<p>Since you fought the good fight on the Paper Duty and a Press at the Popular Penny!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Colourable.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +["The banners of most of the Dutch regiments have hitherto been those +captured from the French at Waterloo in 1815, since when they have never +been renewed."—<i>Daily News, September 22.</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The Dutch have had second-hand flags to fight under;</p> +<p>And so if "Dutch courage" mean borrowed, what wonder?</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Hiss-trionic Query.</span>—Where exists the theatrical manager who, +utterly disregardless of tradition and reckless as to the omen of "the +Bird," would have produced a new piece for the first time <i>last +Friday night</i>, which was <i>Michaelmas Day</i>, the day sacred to the +Goose? We know of only one manager likely to be so bold, and he +would not be so audacious as to defy the combined omens of ill.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Ichabod!</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>As it generally seems now in Sculling Matches on the Thames.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Row, brothers, row! But you don't row fast!</p> +<p>It's foreigner first, and Britisher last!</p> +<p><span class="sc">John</span> no longer can sing now, "I says the Bull"</p> +<p>(As in <i>Poor Cock Robin</i>), "<i>because I can pull!</i>"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Coal and Drama.</span>—Mr. <span class="sc">John Hollingshead</span> says that the +Princess's Pit, which has been closed for a long time, will be at +once re-opened. The price has been generally accepted.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">News of the Matabele.</span>—The "Impi" are "suffering from want +of supplies." They are impi-cunious.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">The Most Gratuitous Form of Vice.</span>—Ad-vice!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page158" id="page158"></a>[pg 158]</span> + +<h2 class="sans">THE REIGN OF RINGLETS.</h2> + +<p class="center">["It is announced that ringlets are to be worn again by ladies, and that side whiskers are coming in for fashionable men."—<i>Daily News.</i>]</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/158-1000.png"><img src="images/158-500.png" width="500" height="520" alt="" /></a></div> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh prospect Elysian! It called back a vision</p> +<p class="i2">Of youth, and those girls of <span class="sc">John Leech's</span>, <span class="sc">John Leech's</span>,</p> +<p>Of "corkscrews" that "doddle" all round a fair noddle,</p> +<p class="i2">Blue eyes and flushed cheeks like ripe peaches, ripe peaches.</p> +<p>I think of sweet <span class="sc">Nelly</span>, whose curls, like a jelly,</p> +<p class="i2">Shook soft as she "spooned" me at croquet, at croquet.</p> +<p>But then came lawn tennis old fashion to menace,</p> +<p class="i2">And croquet and curls were dubbed "pokey," dubbed "pokey."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But ringlets! O rapture! One spiral to capture</p> +<p class="i2">Of <span class="sc">Nell's</span> many hundreds and snip it, and snip it,</p> +<p>Was simply delightful. She'd swear she "looked frightful"</p> +<p class="i2">As into my bosom I'd slip it, I'd slip it.</p> +<p>But one among dozens, on heads like my cousin's,</p> +<p class="i2">Love-larceny was, and not robbery, robbery.</p> +<p>If now I dared sever from "tousle-mops" clever</p> +<p class="i2">One tress, there would be a rare bobbery, bobbery.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah me! how times alter! My scissors would falter</p> +<p class="i2">In trying a <i>Rape of the Lock to-day, Lock</i> to-day.</p> +<p><span class="sc">Nell's</span> trim buxom body, with curls thick and "doddy,"</p> +<p class="i2">Would strike the æsthete with a shock to-day, shock to-day.</p> +<p>You only see ringlets on some "poor old thing." Let's</p> +<p class="i2">Be kind to the <i>passé</i>, but primness, but primness,</p> +<p>With "winkle" curls shaking, is <i>not</i> very taking,</p> +<p class="i2">When linked with old-spinster-like slimness,—like slimness.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I know an "old Biddy"—her name is Miss <span class="sc">Twiddy</span>—</p> +<p class="i2">Who revels in ringlets curled carefully, carefully.</p> +<p>Oh how they doddle around her old noddle!</p> +<p class="i2">She's "songful," a taste which I share fully, share fully.</p> +<p>But when she will warble of Halls—they're of Marble,—</p> +<p class="i2">Or Meetings by Moonlight, I'm sorry, I'm sorry</p> +<p>To see curls, and passion, so out of the fashion,</p> +<p class="i2">Made mock of by "Up-to-date" <span class="sc">Florry</span>, -date <span class="sc">Florry</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But ringlets reviving? Miss <span class="sc">Twiddy's</span> long striving</p> +<p class="i2">For "Passion's Response" mayn't be hopeless, be hopeless.</p> +<p>In "Days of Pomatum" (for that's how I date 'em)</p> +<p class="i2">They used more Macassar, and soap less, and soap less!</p> +<p>Inopportune rain then put things out of train then,</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Nell's</span> mop, how a shower would spoil it, would spoil it!</p> +<p>Curl-papers, concealing—but there, I'm revealing</p> +<p class="i2">The mysteries dark of the toilet, the toilet.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But ringletted friskers, and mutton-chop whiskers,</p> +<p class="i2">For "buns" and blue gills closely shaven, -ly shaven!</p> +<p>'Tis sheer revolution! High Art's contribution</p> +<p class="i2">Will be first to croak <i>à la</i> raven, <i>la</i> raven.</p> +<p>Will girls then all giggle with ringlets a-wriggle,</p> +<p class="i2">As most of the maids of my youth did, my youth did?</p> +<p>Will male "mutton-chopper," scowl pompously proper,</p> +<p class="i2">Like <i>Dombey</i>—as <i>our</i> sires in sooth did, in sooth did?</p> + </div> </div> +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>LIFE (AND DEATH) IN SOUTH AMERICA.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>Diary of the week's doings, from our own Correspondent on the Spot.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Monday.</i>—Matters are still very unsettled, and it will take some +time before public confidence is entirely restored. The policy of the +President in defending the Tramways Extension Bill from the +citadel with grape-shot is condemned as an unwise stretch of the +provisions of the Constitution. It has caused a reorganisation in +the Cabinet, the Secretary for the Interior having resigned, taking +with him six regiments of cavalry, four battalions of infantry, and +three brigades of artillery. This desertion has naturally lessened +the chance of the Employers' Liability Amendment Bill passing this +session except at the point of the bayonet. The division on the +first reading of the Telegraph State Construction Bill was Ayes, +50 killed, 3 wounded; Noes, 12 killed, 172 wounded. Should this +measure pass its second reading it will be opposed from barricades +in committee.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Trade shows some signs of revival, but the continual +bombardment of the Stock Exchange by the opposition fleet in the +offing causes considerable confusion and annoyance. The Minister +of War has retired into a parliamentary cave accompanied by the +militia. It is considered not improbable that this member of the +ministry may throw his ammunition into the scale against his +colleagues. The Pauper Property Insurance Bill has not much +chance of passing during the present year, unless its supporters can +bombard the capital. The second reading of the Lunacy Acts +Consolidation Bill was passed with the assistance of three ironclads +and a torpedo catcher. In spite of the pacific turn that events are now +taking, some of the older inhabitants express considerable uneasiness.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—The British Consul has given notice that he will +hold the ministry responsible for the damage done to his residence. +On account of the bombardment he and his family have been forced +to reside in a distant greenhouse. The remainder of the consulate +is razed to the ground. This being the President's birthday, the +hall of the <i>bureau</i> has been crowded with infernal machines sent +as presents. The loud ticking of the concealed machinery has +caused several complaints to be made to the <i>concierge</i>. The President +and his family have returned to the seaside. They are being +hotly pursued by a large body of cavalry, infantry, and artillery. +However, on the whole the outlook is brighter, and the trains and +omnibuses have recommenced running.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—The President has returned to the capital, as the +lodgings he had taken at the seaside were discovered by the rebel +fleet, and bombarded. The business of the session progresses +slowly but surely. The Minister for War, with the assistance of +the Militia, has secured the passing of the vote dealing with his +department. He led the charge in person that carried the "Ayes" +Division Lobby. If it were not for the constant bombardment of +all the principal buildings, and the occasional slaughter of Members +of Parliament, things would be almost normal. There is no doubt +that the outlook is peaceful.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page159" id="page159"></a>[pg 159]</span> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>.—Things still quieting down. +Traffic in the main thoroughfares is suspended, +because the roads are required for +charges of cavalry, and the squares are +now used for shell practice. The fleet have +approached closer. This, of course, causes +some additional damage; but as the populace +can now hear the bands of the various ships +during the pauses in the bombardment, the +arrangement is rather popular than otherwise. +The Government have apologised to +the British Consul for having blown up his +house and stables. The incident consequently +is at an end. Several Members of the Cabinet +have accepted the Consul's invitation to +lunch.</p> + +<p><i>Saturday.</i>.—The Revolution is practically +at an end. The fleet are still bombarding +the forts, and the military charge every ten +minutes the populace. The Judges, too, find +cause for annoyance in the constant invasion +of the judicial bench by armed artisans. +Most of the fashionable part of the city is in +flames, but this is a detail. However, taking +all things into consideration, peace and +tranquillity may be said to be now restored. +Of course they are not exactly the peace and +tranquillity of Europe, but they are what +people are accustomed to over here. Should +anything of further importance transpire it +shall be wired immediately; but to all +appearance the insurrection is at an end.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/159-1500.png"><img src="images/159-600.png" width="600" height="372" alt="HOW TO SPEND A PLEASANT EVENING!" /></a> +<h2 class="sans">HOW TO SPEND A PLEASANT EVENING!</h2> + +<p>["For the purposes of this production the orchestra has been enlarged, so that +some of the instrumentalists have to sit among the audience in the stalls." +<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>TO THE CONTESTANTS IN THE COAL WAR.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, stint your rage, abate your rash insanity!</p> +<p class="i2">Fight not like fiends, as brother men agree;</p> +<p>And be "the sweet, sad music of humanity,"</p> +<p class="i8">Played in the <i>miner</i> key!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE IDEAL CONVERSATION.</h2> + +<blockquote><p> +[Miss <span class="sc">Emily Faithfull</span>, in the <i>Ladies' Pictorial</i>, +suggests that girls should always learn up +some contribution to make to the family conversation +at table.] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Miss <span class="sc">Faithfull</span>, let me send a line</p> +<p class="i2">Of most sincere congratulation</p> +<p>On your magnificent design</p> +<p class="i2">To raise the tone of conversation;</p> +<p>The plan you kindly recommend</p> +<p class="i2">Rejoices many a careful mother,</p> +<p>And, for the future, we intend,</p> +<p class="i2">As runs the phrase, "To use no other."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>At breakfast-time we used to talk</p> +<p class="i2">On topics commonplace together,</p> +<p>Designed a picnic, planned a walk,</p> +<p class="i2">And even criticised the weather;</p> +<p>We gossiped in an idle way,</p> +<p class="i2">And made in turn our several guesses</p> +<p>About the age of Mrs. A.,</p> +<p class="i2">The price of Lady X.'s dresses.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But now, according to your scheme,</p> +<p class="i2">Each carefully-instructed maiden</p> +<p>Discourses on a worthy theme,</p> +<p class="i2">And comes with fact and figures laden;</p> +<p>To-day, for instance, <span class="sc">Muriel</span> gave</p> +<p class="i2">Some gems from <span class="sc">Cicero's</span> orations,</p> +<p>While <span class="sc">Maud</span> reviewed, in language grave,</p> +<p class="i2">The Lower Tertiary Formations.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And <span class="sc">Kate</span>—the mischief-making <span class="sc">Kate</span></p> +<p class="i2">Who formerly would merely prattle—</p> +<p>Described, in accents most sedate,</p> +<p class="i2">The use of cavalry in battle.</p> +<p>In fact, by this most noble plan,</p> +<p class="i2">Which on your kind advice we're using,</p> +<p>Our conversation never can</p> +<p class="i2">Deserve your censure as amusing!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE FOOL WITH A GUN.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>To the Tune of the "Temptation of St. Antony."</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There are many fools that worry this world,</p> +<p class="i2">Fools old, and fools who're young;</p> +<p>Fools with fortunes, and fools without,</p> +<p>Fools who dogmatise, fools who doubt,</p> +<p>Fools who snigger, and fools who shout,</p> +<p>Fools who never know what they're about,</p> +<p class="i2">And fools all cheek and tongue;</p> +<p>Fools who're gentlemen, fools who're cads,</p> +<p>Fools who're greybeards, and fools who're lads;</p> +<p>Fools with manias, fools with fads,</p> +<p>Fools with cameras, fools with tracts,</p> +<p>Fools who deny the stubbornest facts,</p> +<p>Fools in theories, fools in acts;</p> +<p class="i2">Fools who write Theosophist books,</p> +<p class="i2">Fools who believe in Mahatmas and spooks;</p> +<p>Fools who prophesy—races and Tophets—</p> +<p>Bigger fools who believe in prophets;</p> +<p>Fools who quarrel, and fools who quack;</p> +<p>In fact, there are all sorts of fools in the pack,</p> +<p class="i2">Fools fat, thin, short, and tall;</p> +<p>But of all sorts of fools, the Fool with a Gun</p> +<p>(Who points it at someone—of course, "in fun"—</p> +<p>And fools around till chance murder is done)</p> +<p class="i2">Is the worsest fool of them all!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind">"<span class="sc">Being at Charges.</span>"—A subject for +companion picture to the well-known "<i>The +Last Charge at Waterloo</i>" would be "<i>The +Last Charge of the Archbishop of Canterbury</i>." +For ourselves, in preference to +either the ecclesiastical or the military view +of a charge, we like to hear the Lord Mayor's +toast-master call out, "Gentlemen! <i>Charge</i>—your +glasses!!"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page160" id="page160"></a>[pg 160]</span> + +<h2 class="sans">UNDER THE ROSE.</h2> + +<h3>(<i>A Story in Scenes.</i>)</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Scene VI.</span>—<i>The Breakfast-room at Hornbeam Lodge.</i></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Time—8.40 A.M.</span> <i>on Saturday morning</i>. Mrs. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> <i>is +alone</i>, <i>making the tea</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toovey</i> (<i>to herself</i>). I cannot think what has come to +<span class="sc">Theophilus</span>. He has come down late for prayers every morning +this week. Such a bad example for any household, and Cook is +beginning to notice it—I could see it in her eye as she came in. +He is so strange in his manner, too; if I did not know he was +absolutely incapable of—but <i>why</i> did he secrete that abominable +programme of <span class="sc">Charles's</span>? He <i>said</i> he kept it with a view to +making inquiries, but I have heard nothing about them since. +(<i>Aloud</i>, <i>to</i> <span class="sc">Phœbe</span>, <i>who brings in dishes and two +letters</i>.) Oh, the +post, <span class="sc">Phœbe</span>? it's late this morning. (<span class="sc">Phœbe</span> <i>goes +out</i>.) One for +Pa, and one for me—from <span class="sc">Althea</span>—it was certainly time she wrote. +(<i>Reading her letter.</i>) "Delightful visit ... the <span class="sc">Merridews</span> so +kind ... so much to see and do ... back on Monday ... no +time for more at present." Not a word of where she's been or what +she's seen—not at <i>all</i> the letter a girl should write to her mother! +I wonder whom Pa's letter is from? (<i>She turns it over.</i>) What's +this? "Eldorado Palace of Varieties" +printed on the flap! Why, +that's <span class="sc">Charles's</span> music-hall! Then +Pa <i>has</i> been making inquiries after +all. As <span class="sc">Charles's</span> aunt I have a +right to—— (<i>She is about to open +the envelope.</i>) No, I'd better not, +I hear Pa's hum—he will be sure +to tell me what they say.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toovey enters</i> (<i>humming, to +give himself a countenance</i>). Ha, +so you've had prayers without me? +Quite right—quite right.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>severely</i>). Anything +<i>but</i> right, Pa. You ought to have +been down long ago. I heard you +brushing your hair as I went out.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>feebly</i>). It was very +tiresome, my love, but my collar-stud +got under the wardrobe, and I +couldn't get it out for ever so long.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Your things have +taken to behave in a very extraordinary +manner, Pa. Yesterday +it was your braces!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> I—I believe it <i>was</i> +my braces yesterday. Ah well, we +must bear with these little vexations—bear +with them! (<i>To himself.</i>) +A letter for me? From the +Eldorado! It's the box! I—I +hoped Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span> had forgotten.</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>He thrusts it into his pocket unopened, +in a flurry.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Is there any reason +why you shouldn't read your letter, +Pa? It may be of importance.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> I—I don't think it is, my love—particularly. It—it +will keep till after breakfast. What is this—kedgeree? Ha! I've +come down with quite an appetite—quite a famous appetite!</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>He pecks at his kedgeree ostentatiously.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Perhaps I'd better ring and have two more eggs +boiled if you're so hungry as all that, Pa?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>in terror at this suggestion</i>). Not for me, my love, not +for me. I—I've made an excellent breakfast!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Then now, Pa, perhaps you will be at leisure to read +your letter. I am curious to know what correspondence you can +possibly have with an Eldorado Palace.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Oh, dear me, she's seen the flap! Why +do they put the name outside—so thoughtless of them! (<i>He opens +the letter.</i>) Yes, it <i>is</i> the order. I <i>can't</i> show it to +<span class="sc">Cornelia</span>! +(<i>Aloud.</i>) I—I told you I was making inquiries.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> About <span class="sc">Charles's</span> habits? So you've written to the +Manager, without consulting me! Well—what does he say?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). I don't like these deceptions—but I +<i>must</i> +consider poor <span class="sc">Charles</span>. (<i>Aloud.</i>) Oh—hum—very little, my love, +very little indeed, but satisfactory—most satisfactory—he's no +complaint to make of <span class="sc">Charles</span>—none whatever!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> As if it was likely you would get the truth from such +a tainted source! Let me see his letter.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>pocketing the letter again, hastily</i>). No, my dear love, +you must excuse me—but this is a private and confidential communication, +and—and, in common fairness to <span class="sc">Charles</span>—I'll trouble +you for another cup of tea. (<i>To himself.</i>) It's for this very night. +I've a great mind not to go. How am I to make an excuse for +getting away? (<i>Aloud.</i>) I've half a mind to run up some time, +and—and look in on <span class="sc">Charles</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). If <span class="sc">Charles</span> is misconducting +himself, I +ought to know—and I <i>will</i>, sooner or later. I'm sure <span class="sc">Theophilus</span> +is keeping something from me. (<i>Aloud.</i>) I've only put in one +lump, Pa. You may find him at home if you went up this +afternoon.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>relieved</i>). An excellent suggestion, my love. I +<i>will</i> +go this afternoon. He—he might ask me to stay and dine with +him; so if—if I don't come back, you'll know where I am—eh? +You won't be anxious?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). He's trying to spare me, but I can see +he's <i>most</i> uneasy about <span class="sc">Charles</span>. (<i>Aloud.</i>) Well, Pa, I +don't like +the idea of your dining out without me—it will be the first time for +years—but still, I shall have to be away myself this evening; +there's a special meeting of the Zenana Mission Committee, and +Mrs. <span class="sc">Cumberbatch</span> made such a point of my attending—so, if you +feel you really <i>ought</i> to see <span class="sc">Charles</span>——</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> Oh. I <i>do</i>, my dear. He—he wants looking after. And +perhaps, if I could have a little quiet, serious talk with him, after +dinner—or over a game of draughts. (<i>To himself.</i>) What a +dissembler I've become; but I <i>do</i> +mean to look in on <span class="sc">Charles</span>, before +I go to this Eldorado place, and +there <i>may</i> be time for a game of +draughts!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> You would learn +more, <span class="sc">Theophilus</span>, by putting a +few questions to his landlady. But +remember, when you come back, +I shall insist on being told everything—<i>everything</i>, +mind!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> Oh, of course, my +love, of course. (<i>To himself.</i>) If +my visit proves satisfactory, I—I +might tell her. It will depend on +how I feel—entirely on how I feel.</p> + +<p class="center">END OF SCENE VI.</p> + +<p style="margin-top: 2em;">SCENE VII.—<i>The Drawing-room.</i> +<i>It is after luncheon.</i> Mrs. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> +<i>is sitting knitting</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toovey</i> (<i>entering, in a frock-coat, +carrying a tall hat</i>). Er—<span class="sc">Cornelia</span>, +my love, you don't happen +to know where the—the latchkey +is kept, do you?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toovey.</i> The latchkey, +<span class="sc">Theophilus</span>! One has never been +required in this house <i>yet</i>. What can +you possibly want with a latchkey?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). These +performances go on till a somewhat +advanced hour, I've no doubt, +and I might feel it my duty to +stay as long as—— (<i>Aloud.</i>) I—I +only thought it would save <span class="sc">Phœbe</span> +sitting up for me, my dear.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 450px;"><a href="images/160-800.png"><img src="images/160-450.png" width="450" height="513" alt="'Eldorado Palace of Varieties. Admit Mr. Toovey and Party to Box C'" /></a> +<p>"Eldorado Palace of Varieties. Admit Mr. Toovey and Party to +Box C. This portion to be retained."</p></div> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> You need not trouble yourself about that, <span class="sc">Theophilus</span>. +I will sit up for you, if necessary.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>quaking</i>). But you forget your Zenana Mission, my +love; you will be out yourself this evening!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>severely</i>). I shall be back by a reasonable hour, +Pa,—and +so will <i>you</i>, I should hope.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> I hope so, my love, I'm sure, but—but I may have a +good deal to say to <span class="sc">Charles</span>, you know.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). There's some mystery about that wretched +boy, I'm certain. If I could only find out what was in that letter. +I wonder if it's in Pa's pocket—I'll soon see. (<i>Aloud.</i>) Turn round, +Pa. Ah, I <i>thought</i> as much; one of your coat-tail buttons is as +nearly off as it can be!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>innocently</i>). Dear me! My Sunday coat, too. I never +observed it. Could you just fasten it on a little more securely?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> If you take off your coat. I can't do it with you +prancing about in front of me, Pa. (<i>Mr. T. takes off his coat.</i>) +Now, I can't have you in my drawing-room in your shirtsleeves—suppose +somebody called! Go into your study and wait there till +I've done. (<i>Mr. T. departs submissively.</i>) Now if the letter isn't +in one of these pockets, it must be in—— (<i>She discovers the envelope.</i>) +There it is. <i>Now</i> I shall know what <span class="sc">Charles</span>—— I'm sure his poor +dear mother would wish to be informed. (<i>She opens the letter.</i>) +"Eldorado Palace of Varieties. Admit Mr. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> and party to +Box C. This portion to be retained." (<i>She tears off a perforated +slip.</i>) I <i>will</i> retain it! So <span class="sc">Theophilus</span> has been deceiving +me—<i>this</i> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page161" id="page161"></a>[pg 161]</span> +is his business with <span class="sc">Charles</span>! <i>This</i> is why he kept that +programme! +And he's allowing himself to be misled by his own +nephew! They're going to this music-hall to-night, together! +He shall <i>not</i> go—never while I—stop, let me think—yes, he <i>shall</i> +go—he +shall fill up the measure of his iniquity, little dreaming that I +have the clear proof of his deceit! (<i>She thrusts the slip she has +torn off into her workbox, and replaces the envelope with the +remainder of the order in the pocket.</i>) There. He won't notice +that anything is missing. He's coming back. I must control +myself, or he will be on his guard.</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>She pretends to secure the button with unsteady fingers.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>entering</i>). <span class="sc">Cornelia</span>, my love, don't trouble to +do +more than is absolutely necessary to keep the button secure—because +I'm rather in a hurry. It doesn't matter, so long as it looks +respectable!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>with an effort to restrain her feelings</i>). I daresay it +is quite respectable enough, Pa, for where you are going.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> Quite, indeed, my dear. But it would never have done +to go and call on <span class="sc">Charles</span> with a button off the back of my coat—no, +no. It was fortunate you noticed it in time, my love.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> I hope it will prove so, <span class="sc">Theophilus</span>. (<i>To +herself.</i>) +And this monster of duplicity is Pa! Oh, I wish I could tell him +what I thought of him, but not yet—we will have our reckoning +later!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>after putting on his coat</i>). Then I think I must be +going. Any message I can take to <span class="sc">Charles</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Yes, tell him that I trust he will profit by his good +Uncle's example, and that I expect him to dinner on Monday. I may +require to have a serious talk with him myself, if your account of +this evening is not perfectly satisfactory.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> I'll tell him, my love, but there's no reason to make +yourself uneasy about <span class="sc">Charles</span>—he'll behave himself—he'll behave +himself. (<i>To himself, as he goes out.</i>) I must go and see <span class="sc">Charles</span> +now. Oh dear, I do feel so apprehensive about this visit to the +Eldorado.—If I could put it off.—But I can't continue to hold those +shares without some knowledge—— And Mr. <span class="sc">Curphew</span> made such a +point of my going. No, I must go. I—I don't see how I can get out +of it!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>alone</i>). There he goes, looking so meek and lamblike! +Who would suspect, to see him, that that black coat of his was buttoned +round a whited sepulchre? Oh, Pa, Pa! That after all these years +of blameless life you should suddenly be seized with a depraved desire +for unhallowed amusement like this! While I am at the <span class="sc">Cumberbatches</span>, +engaged in discussing the affairs of the Zenana Mission, you +and <span class="sc">Charles</span> will be—— Stop. How do I know he is going with +<span class="sc">Charles</span> at all? If he is capable of deceiving me in one respect, why +not in all? (<i>She takes out the slip and looks at it.</i>) Mr. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> +and +party! <i>What</i> party? May not Pa have been leading a—a double life +all these years for anything I can tell? He is going to the Eldorado +to-night with <i>somebody</i>—that's clear. Who is it? I shall never be +easy till I know. And why should I not? There's the meeting, +though. I might have a headache. Yes, that will do. (<i>She goes to +her writing-table.</i>) No, I won't write. I can make some excuse to +<span class="sc">Eliza</span> when I see her. And instead of going to the +<span class="sc">Cumberbatches</span> +this evening, I can easily slip up to Waterloo and ask my +way to this place. There will be no difficulty in that. Yes, I will +go, whatever it costs me. And when Pa goes into this Box C of +his, he will find his "party" is larger than he expected!</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">End of Scene VII.</span></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>PLAYING THE DEUCE AT THE HAYMARKET.</h2> + +<p>Of course, to speak with theological accuracy, <i>The Tempter</i>, being +the "very devil incarnate," ought to be "damned." That this has +not been his fate at the Haymarket is owing to Mr. <span class="sc">Beerbohm Tree</span> +primarily, to his company secondarily, and to the author remotely. +To treat in any fresh dramatic form the story of <i>Faust and Marguerite</i>, +a dramatist must be the subject of a special and peculiar +inspiration. Now what this play lacks is inspiration.</p> + +<p>What in this piece <span class="sc">Enry Hauthor Jones</span> mistook for the "divine +afflatus" is mere long-windedness. His <i>Tempter</i> may be an entertainer +assuming various disguises, and more and more like himself +on every occasion, but a real devil he is not, except so far as Mr. +<span class="sc">Tree</span> with wonderful art makes him; and, even then, the question +is forced upon us, would any devil with any sort of self-respect, +pick up a cross-handled dagger just as if it were an ordinary walking-stick, +and politely return it to its owner? This is the first time that +a devil on the stage hasn't shuddered and grovelled at the sight of +a cross-handle. Again, how far more effective would some of the +supernatural movements of this irreclaimably wicked personage have +been had they been performed by means of some clever arrangement +of "wires," such as that with which Mlle. <span class="sc">Ænea</span> used to astonish +the public? Where are the stage mechanists who assisted <span class="sc">George +Conquest</span>, that unique representative of sprites and gnomes, who +achieved success by "leaps and bounds?"</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/161-600.png"><img src="images/161-300.png" width="300" height="356" alt="'Arbor in Arbore.' A Wood Engraving." /></a> +<p class="center">"Arbor in Arbore." A Wood Engraving.</p></div> + +<p>Fortunately the piece does not depend for its success on mere +mechanism, but on the acting of Mr. <span class="sc">Tree</span>, which is in all respects +admirable in its diabolical variety; much depends, too, on Mrs. <span class="sc">Tree</span>, +who is charming and sympathetic in a small part. Mr. <span class="sc">Terry</span>, who +occasionally, in tone and look, reminds me of <span class="sc">Henry Irving</span>, contributes +his share towards the general histrionic excellence, as also does +Miss <span class="sc">Julia Neilson</span>, who in tone and action frequently makes me +wish that once and for ever she would give up attempting an imitation +of <span class="sc">Ellen Terry</span>. But be it said that the acting of this couple +is remarkably good in the love scene, as it is also in the very trying +death scene, which could have been so easily and so utterly ruined.</p> + +<p>The author is at his best in his curt, cynical sentences. Epigrams +are few and far between in the play, but what there are go to the +devil, that is, are given to the "Old Gentleman," with the best +possible result. <span class="sc">Enry Hauthor</span> is at his worst in the long +speeches, not one of which, no matter to whom it may fall, but would +be the better for cutting. Of course, suggestions for abbreviating the +<i>Tempter</i>'s part would not be favourably entertained by the principal +actor, as, naturally enough, any Tree objects to being cut down: and as +his personal success is too decided for him to be "cut up," the Tree +will have to remain, though lopping and pruning would be +advantageous to the growth and strength of this Tree now +that it has assumed these proportions. And the moral? +Well, <span class="sc">Goethe</span>, I think, in the poem was a trifle hazy +about the ultimate fate of his lovers; but in the opera +there is no doubt about it. With <i>Marguerite</i> it was +"Here we go up, up, up," and with <i>Faust</i> it was just +the reverse: but the operatic <i>Faust</i> will always "go down" +when sung and played as it was this season at Covent Garden. I forget +what <span class="sc">Boîto</span> does with his erring couple, but where Mr. <span class="sc">Jones's</span> +demon +resembles <span class="sc">Boîto's</span>, and also <span class="sc">Byron's</span>, Satan, is in his +monologues +addressed directly to the Supreme Being. But those Satans were +Fallen Archangels of Heaven; this of <span class="sc">'Enry Hauthor's</span> is a Fallen +Angel of Islington. This illogical demon sneers at one of the characters +for not using language sufficiently strong to express his feelings; +yet when his own turn comes his blasphemy is vulgar, and so +mild that not the sternest magistrate would like to fine him for it. +And strange to say, in one passage (which most persons would have +deemed objectionable, did it not come to them on the authority of the +Lord Chamberlain's Theatrical Licensing office), the Prince of Darkness +shows himself a gentleman curiously ignorant of such elementary +Christian theology as he could have picked up from a penny catechism. +How Mr. <span class="sc">Tree</span> was ever in-deuced to attempt the <i>Tempter</i> by +<span class="sc">Enry Hauthor</span>, will remain a mystery to the end of the run, and if +that should be in the far distant future, the mystery will be Tree-mendous, +and absolutely impenetrable. The costumes are artistic +and superb, the scenery effective, though the majestic proportions of +Canterbury Cathedral are rather dwarfed by the imposing figure of +the Very Deuce, who is "all over the place."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Morning Thought.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>By a chilly Autumn Guest at a Country House.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>GR-R-R-R!</i> No fire in the grate—for our hostess is thrifty—</p> +<p>Although the thermometer stands below fifty!</p> +<p class="i6">Well, I wish to be courteous and sober;</p> +<p>But the <i>biggest</i> of pests is that pig of a host—</p> +<p>In a climate like ours, too!—who makes it his boast</p> +<p class="i6">That "he <i>never</i> starts fires till October!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">A Good Kick-off.</span>—The "Rugby" decision against "professional" +football. Let us hope it will be followed by an equally +energetic "kick-out" of the growing "rowdy" element in this +popular, if somewhat over-praised, "National game." All good +sportsmen long to see a "penalty kick" administered to blackguardism +in the football field.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page162" id="page162"></a>[pg 162]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/162-1500.png"><img src="images/162-600.png" width="600" height="398" alt="THE PERSONAL EQUATION." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">THE PERSONAL EQUATION.</h3> + +<p><i>Ducal Butler</i> (<i>showing Art Treasures of Stilton Castle</i>). "<span class="sc">The +Three Graces—after Canova!</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Ramsbotham.</i> "<span class="sc">How interesting! And pray, which is the +<i>present</i> Duchess?</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>ALEXANDER AND DIOGENES.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>Modern Teutonic Version.</i>)</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +["My complaint being of a nervous character, I share the opinion of my +doctor that, if I pass the winter in the midst of my accustomed surroundings +and occupations, it will be the most likely means of promoting my +recovery."—<i>Prince Bismarck's reply to the German Emperor's Letter.</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<h4><i>Diogenes</i> (<i>of Kissingen</i>) loquitur:—</h4> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Only to leave me to my tub!</i> Ha! had him <i>there</i> I flatter me!</p> +<p>Too late, my <span class="sc">Alexander</span>, now to butter or to batter me!</p> +<p>You "Dropped the Pilot"—with that youthful confidence that some adore—</p> +<p>The "whirligig of time" has turned; the "Pilot" drops the "Commodore."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A <i>fico</i> for Imperial "Pots," and their young princely progenies.</p> +<p>Belated condescension won't conciliate <span class="sc">Diogenes</span>.</p> +<p>Cynic and Conqueror exchange compliments Ciceronian,</p> +<p>But—there's a sting in some smooth words, for a mouthing Macedonian.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Mine are not <i>sanitary</i> "tubs," the Varzin, or the other one</p> +<p>At Friedrichsruh, you hint. Oh get away, and do not bother one!</p> +<p>I've got a "nervous system" now, and noisy, young, despotical,</p> +<p>"Shock-headed Peters" worry one, when aged and neurotical.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Your castles, and your palaces, and things, in Central Germany,</p> +<p>I "trample on"—like Plato's pride. Ha! does that make you squirm any?</p> +<p>Confer with your Court Marshal, if you like; I only promise I'll</p> +<p>Transfer my Tub—to Friedrichsruh, when up to change of domicile.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"How to command men" is my skill, as 'twas of him of Pontus, Sire,</p> +<p><i>You</i> can't command such men as I just when you chance to want us, Sire!</p> +<p>As soon as Doctor <span class="sc">Schweninger</span> says he has no objection, Sire,</p> +<p>I'll travel to another Tub—but not of your selection, Sire.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i16"><i>Sings</i>—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>'Midst castles and palaces though I <i>might</i> roam,</p> +<p>Be it ever so humble there's no place like home.</p> +<p>The charm of the Tub seems to hallow me there,</p> +<p>Which all Central Germany's castles can't share.</p> +<p class="i2">Home! home! Sweet, sweet home!</p> +<p class="i2">Though 'tis only a Tub, there is no place like home!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>An exile from court, castles dazzle in vain.</p> +<p>Oh! give me my Tub and I'll gladly remain.</p> +<p>A proud <span class="sc">Alexander</span> I'm sorry (!) to snub,</p> +<p>But—keep your fine castles, leave me to my Tub!</p> +<p class="i2">Home! home! Sweet, sweet home!</p> +<p class="i2">Though you mayn't like its "climate," there's no place like home!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i36">[<i>Left curled up in it.</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>"PAS MÊME ACADÉMICIEN!"</h3> + +<p class="center">[<span class="sc">Albert Moore</span>, the exquisite decorative painter, died on September 25, +at the age of fifty-two, "without Academic honour."]</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"<span class="sc">Love</span> is enough." Beauty, it seems, is not.</p> +<p class="i2">And yet upon our land's artistic fame,</p> +<p>It seems—does it not, Sirs?—a bitter blot</p> +<p class="i2">That the official roll lacks this great name!</p> +<p>No matter! The R. A., with tight-closed door,</p> +<p>Hath less—of honour; English Art hath <span class="sc">Moore</span>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1">"Did you hear <span class="sc">Paderewski</span> the pianist?" asked someone of our +old friend Mrs. R. "Oh, yes," she replied; "I was most fortunate. +He played for several hours at a friend's house, and he gave us the +whole of his Repartee."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Riddle by 'Arry.</span>—"Look 'ere, if you're speakin' of a young unmarried +lady bein' rather 'uffy, what well-known river would you +name?—Why, <i>'Miss is 'ippy'</i>, o' course."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page163" id="page163"></a>[pg 163]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/163-1500.png"><img src="images/163-600.png" width="600" height="456" alt="ALEXANDER AND DIOGENES." /></a> +<h2>ALEXANDER AND DIOGENES.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Alexander.</span> "IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU? CASTLE? OR ANYTHING OF THAT SORT?" +<span class="sc">Diogenes.</span> "NO—ONLY TO LEAVE ME TO MY TUB!!"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page164" id="page164"></a>[pg 164]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page165" id="page165"></a>[pg 165]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/165-1500.png"><img src="images/165-600.png" width="600" height="439" alt="GUESTS TO BE AVOIDED." /></a> +<h2 class="sans">GUESTS TO BE AVOIDED.</h2> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Hullo, Old Man! How's it you're Dining at the Club? Thought your Wife told +me she had the Browns and Smiths to Dinner this evening?</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">No—that was Yesterday. This evening she has the Odds and Ends!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>RIFLEMEN—"FORM!"</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>A new Volunteer Song, "in vulgar parlance," +Brought up to date, after Lord +Tennyson</i>.)</p> + +<blockquote><p> +["It is not going too far to say that thousands +of men best fitted, physically and morally, to serve +as officers or in the ranks, hold aloof from the +Volunteers, because they are keenly alive to inefficiency +of the average Volunteer. In vulgar +parlance they look upon Volunteering as 'bad +form.'"—<i>The Times.</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There is a sound that must terribly jar</p> +<p class="i2">On the ears of the West in our finical day;</p> +<p>'Tisn't a sound of battle and war,</p> +<p class="i2">But of something much worse in its "vulgar" way.</p> +<p>Storm's warm about Volunteer "form,"</p> +<p>Ready, be ready against that storm!</p> +<p>"Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Be not deaf to the sound that warns!</p> +<p class="i2">What? "Bad form!"—that's a prig's last plea.</p> +<p>Are figs of thistles? or grapes of thorns?</p> +<p class="i2">How can W. feel with E. C.?</p> +<p>"Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!"</p> +<p>Ready to meet "Sassiety's" storm!</p> +<p>Riflemen, Riflemen, shun "bad form!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Reform your "form"! Abide nothing "low"!</p> +<p class="i2">Look to yon butts, and take good aims!</p> +<p>But better a miss, or a magpie or so,</p> +<p class="i2"><ins title="T.N.: Original reads 'Then'">Than</ins> that bad, bad form which "Sassiety" shames.</p> +<p>Storm's warm about Volunteer "form,"</p> +<p>Ready, be ready against that storm!</p> +<p>Riflemen, Riflemen, Riflemen—"Form!!!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For "form" be ready to do or die</p> +<p class="i2">"Form," in "Sassiety's" name, and the <span class="sc">Queen's</span>!</p> +<p>"In vulgar parlance" "good form"'s the cry—</p> +<p class="i2">Though only a fribble knows what it means.</p> +<p>But "Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!"</p> +<p>Ready, be ready to meet the storm</p> +<p>Against the Riflemen's "shocking bad form!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE LONDON SCHOOL BOARD VADE MECUM.</h2> + +<ul class="none"> +<li><i>Question.</i> What are the functions of the +School Board?</li> + +<li><i>Answer.</i> To protest against the conduct +of the Educational Department.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> In this protest has the Board the sympathy +of the public?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Unquestionably; because the conduct +of the Educational Department is calculated +to send up rates.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> But does not the Department look +after the sanitary side of the matter?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Perhaps so; but sanitation is too +expensive a matter to be treated without the +maturest consideration.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Are the recommendations of the Department +unreasonable?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Very. The Board is required to make +the most costly alterations in buildings that +have already eaten up a large sum of money, +and should not consume a penny more.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> But are not the suggested improvements +ones that would be accepted nowadays +in any new design?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Certainly, but then their adoption +would be the cause of little or no expense.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Then should science stop still until +the rates become abated?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> That would be the practical course for +science to pursue.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> But leaving grievances out of the question, +what can be said about education?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> That is a matter of secondary importance, +when compared with the latest sanitary +developments.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> But how about the children? Have they +been educated? What can be said about them?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Nothing. So far as the School Board +is concerned, the question of education in +general is absolutely of secondary importance.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Then the career of a child need not be +considered nor watched?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Of course not. The sole means suggested +for teaching a child is to squabble with +the Government and to more or less ignore +the requirements of the schoolmaster.</li> +</ul> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page166" id="page166"></a>[pg 166]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/166-1500.png"><img src="images/166-600.png" width="500" height="326" alt="'ON THE CHANCE.'" /></a> +<h2 class="sans">"ON THE CHANCE."</h2> + +<p><i>Young Mamma.</i> "<span class="sc">What have you got there, my good Man?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>The "Good Man" (seeing she is not a Potato Customer)</i>. "<span class="sc">Only Boiling +Water, Ma'am. You see, this time O' Year, the Sea +gets rather cold, and some of the Ladies are so particular about their little +Toddlekins, bless 'em!</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Young Mamma (struck with the idea)</i>. "<span class="sc">Oh, then, please be here +To-morrow morning at Eight o'clock, and bring two +Cans!</span>"</p> + +<p> [<i>At once tenders him a Shilling. Needless to say Our Artist was not up in +time to see if appointment was kept punctually.</i></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>BISHOP BOBADIL.</h2> + +<blockquote><p> +["As to the course which the English Government +should take in this matter, he was in favour of +their acting on the principles enunciated in the +Sermon on the Mount; but when it was found +that a contrary course was necessary, then they +must drop the sermon and have recourse to the +sword."—The Bishop of <span class="sc">Derry</span>, in Westminster +Abbey, on the subject of Mashonaland.] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Of old the bully swaggered free,</p> +<p class="i2">He recked not how the fight arose;</p> +<p>He wore his warlike panoply,</p> +<p class="i2">A hireling and a man of blows.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He knew no mercy, was not meek</p> +<p class="i2">(The meek are blessèd, said the Lord);</p> +<p>If one should smite him on the cheek,</p> +<p class="i2">He turned, but turned to draw his sword.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>He trod the weaker in the mire,</p> +<p class="i2">Nor stayed from blood his mailèd hand,</p> +<p>And tramped in fury and in fire</p> +<p class="i2">Through many a devastated land.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I blame him not, it was his trade;</p> +<p class="i2">Though small his care for wrong or right,</p> +<p>At least he fought himself, nor stayed</p> +<p class="i2">At home to bid the others fight.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Long since we've placed him on the shelf;</p> +<p class="i2">Behold instead, his crosier drawn,</p> +<p>Within the sacred Minster's self</p> +<p class="i2">A bully blustering in lawn.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A broad-brimmed stirrer up of strife,</p> +<p class="i2">"I hold," he cries, "of small account</p> +<p>His sense who stoops to base his life</p> +<p class="i2">Upon the Sermon on the Mount.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"That is, if unprepared to strike.</p> +<p class="i2">Some help that Sermon <i>may</i> afford.</p> +<p>You suit yourselves, and, when you like,</p> +<p class="i2">You drop it and you draw the sword."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Go to, you loud and foolish priest,</p> +<p class="i2"> Nor scorn the precepts you should keep.</p> +<p>Still is it true that, west or east,</p> +<p class="i2">The wolves are sometimes clothed like sheep.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And here ('twas thus in ancient days)</p> +<p class="i2">False prophets shame the Master still.</p> +<p>And congregations chant the praise</p> +<p class="i2">Of blatant Bishop <span class="sc">Bobadil</span>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>WOODMEN, SPARE THOSE TREES!</h3> + +<h4><i>New (New Forest) Version.</i></h4> + +<p class="center">[Mr. <span class="sc">Auberon Herbert</span> says "the rapacious and +spendthrift" woodmen of the Crown have recently +felled two hundred oaks in the New Forest.]</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Woodmen, spare those trees!</p> +<p class="i2">You're playing up rare jokes</p> +<p>In felling, at your ease,</p> +<p class="i2">Hundreds of British oaks.</p> +<p>We'd ax you stay your axe.</p> +<p class="i2">Come! no official rot!</p> +<p>Or <i>Punch</i>'s wrath may wax,</p> +<p class="i2">And then—you'll get it hot.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Those old familiar trees</p> +<p class="i2">Are glory and renown.</p> +<p>Don't think your business, <i>please</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">Is just to hew them down!</p> +<p>We <i>ask</i> you, for the nonce.</p> +<p class="i2">If such appeal is vain,</p> +<p>We'll bid you, sharp, at once,</p> +<p class="i2">"Cut"—and <i>don't</i> come again!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>"GOOD SIR JOHN!"</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>To Sir John Gilbert, R.A., on his receiving the +Freedom of the City.</i></p> +<p class="author1"><i>By an Old Boy.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Good Black (and White) Knight,</p> +<p class="i2">Our youth's joint delight,</p> +<p>With that other Black Knight, dear Sir <span class="sc">Walter's</span></p> +<p class="i2">(Whom you pictured well),</p> +<p class="i2">Ancient memories swell,</p> +<p>Till language, in praising you, falters.</p> +<p class="i2">You drew, with such dash,</p> +<p class="i2"><i>All</i> our heroes; they flash</p> +<p>On our memories. Ah, we thanked <i>you</i> so</p> +<p class="i2">For Dons, Rosinantes,</p> +<p class="i2">And Sanchos (<span class="sc">Cervantes!</span>)</p> +<p>"Leather-Stocking," and Robinson Crusoe.</p> +<p class="i2">Our fancies still carry</p> +<p class="i2">Your (<span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span>) King Harry,</p> +<p>We know our own boyhood's sound slumbers</p> +<p class="i2">Were haunted by Pucks,</p> +<p class="i2">Robin Hoods, Friar Tucks,</p> +<p>And scenes from your brave Christmas Numbers.</p> +<p class="i2">God bless you, Sir <span class="sc">John</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">For your Knight and your Don,</p> +<p>Who moved our youth's fervour and pity!</p> +<p class="i2"> Sure every Old Boy</p> +<p class="i2"> Hopes you long may enjoy</p> +<p>The freedom (and health) of our City!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>RIDDLE FOR THE GREAT REALIST.</h3> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Q.</i> When is a sailor like a French journalist?</p> +<p><i>A.</i> When he has to "sign articles."</p> +</div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page167" id="page167"></a>[pg 167]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/167-1100.png"><img src="images/167-450.png" width="450" height="616" alt="WHO WOULD NOT BE A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT?" /></a> +<h3 class="sans">WHO WOULD NOT BE A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT?</h3></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page168" id="page168"></a>[pg 168]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/168-800.png"><img src="images/168-300.png" width="300" height="399" alt="A NEAT WAY OF PUTTING IT." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">A NEAT WAY OF PUTTING IT.</h3> + +<p><i>Cabby</i> (<i>to Clergyman, who has paid the legal fare</i>). "<span class="sc">Won't +leave me much for the Hoffertory next Sunday, Sir, will it?</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>By Cunnin Toil.</i>)</h4> + +<h3>No. V.—THE HUNGARIAN DIAMOND.</h3> + +<p>Everybody must remember the apparently causeless panic that +seized the various European governments only a few years ago. It +was the dead season. Members of Parliament were all disporting +themselves on the various grouse-moors which are specially reserved +for that august legislative body in order that there may be no lack +of accuracy in the articles of those who imagine that the 12th of +August brings to every M.P. a yearning for the scent of heather and +the sound of breech-loading guns. Suddenly, and without any +warning, a great fear spread through Europe. Nobody seemed able +to state precisely how it began. There were, of course, some who +attributed it to an after-dinner speech made by the German +Emperor at the annual banquet of the Blue Bösewitzers, the famous +Cuirassier regiment of which the Grand Duke of <span class="sc">Schnupftuchstein</span> +is the honorary commanding officer. Others again saw in it the +influence of <span class="sc">M. Paul Deroulède</span>, while yet a third party attributed +it with an equal assumption of certainty to the fact that Austria had +recently forbidden the import of Servian pigs. They were all wrong. +The time has come when the truth must be known. The story I am +about to tell will show my extraordinary friend, <span class="sc">Picklock Holes</span>, on +an even higher pinnacle of unmatchable acumen than that which fame +has hitherto assigned to him. He may be vexed when he reads my +narrative of his triumphs, for he is as modest as he is inductive; but I +am determined that, at whatever cost, the story shall be made public.</p> + +<p>It was on one of those delightful evenings for which our English +summer is famous, that HOLES and I were as usual sitting together +and conversing as to the best methods of inferring an Archbishop +from a hat-band and a Commander-in-Chief from a penny-whistle. +I had put forward several plans which appeared to me to be satisfactory, +but <span class="sc">Holes</span> had scouted them one after another with a cold +impassivity which had not failed to impress me, accustomed though +I was to the great man's exhibition of it.</p> + +<p>"Here," said <span class="sc">Holes</span>, eventually, "are the necessary steps. Hat-band, +band-master, master-mind, mind-your-eye, eye-ball, ball-bearing, +bear-leader, Leda and the Swan, swan-bill, bill-post, post-cart, +cart-road, roadway, Weybridge, bridge-arch, arch-bishop. The +inference of a Commander-in-Chief is even easier. You have only to +assume that a penny-whistle has been found lying on the Horse-Guards' +Parade by the Colonel of the Scots Guards, and carried by him +to the office of the Secretary of State for War. Thereupon you subdivide +the number of drummer-boys in a regiment of Goorkhas by +the capital value of a sergeant's retiring pension, and——"</p> + +<p>But the rest of this marvellous piece of concise reasoning must +remain for ever a secret, for at this moment a bugle-call disturbed +the stillness of the summer night, and <span class="sc">Holes</span> immediately paused.</p> + +<p>"What can that mean?" I asked, in some alarm, for Camberwell +(our meeting place) is an essentially unmilitary district, and I could +not account for this strange and awe-inspiring musical demonstration.</p> + +<p>"Hush," said <span class="sc">Holes</span>, with perfect composure; "it is the agreed +signal. Listen. The great Samovar diamond, the most brilliant +jewel in the turquoise crown of Hungary, has been lost. The +Emperor of <span class="sc">Austria</span> is in despair. Next week he is due at Pesth, +but he cannot appear before the fierce and haughty Magyars in a +crown deprived of the decoration that all Hungary looks upon as +symbolical of the national existence. A riot in Pesth at this moment +would shake the Austro-Hungarian empire to its foundations. With +it the Triple Alliance would crumble into dust, and the peace of +Europe would not be worth an hour's purchase. It is, therefore, +imperative that before the dawn of next Monday the diamond should +be restored to its wonted setting."</p> + +<p>"My dear <span class="sc">Holes</span>," I said, "this is more terrible than I thought. +Have they appealed to you, as usual, after exhausting all the native +talent?"</p> + +<p>"My dear <span class="sc">Potson</span>," replied my friend, "you ask too much. Let +it suffice that I have been consulted, and that the determination of +the question of peace or war lies in these hands." And with these +words the arch-detective spread before my eyes those long, sinewy, +and meditative fingers which had so often excited my admiration.</p> + +<p>Our preparations for departure to Hungary were soon made. I +hardly know why I accompanied <span class="sc">Holes</span>. It seemed somehow to be +the usual thing that I should be present at all his feats. I thought +he looked for my company, and though his undemonstrative nature +would never have suffered him to betray any annoyance had I +remained absent, I judged it best not to disturb the even current of +his investigations by departing from established precedent. I +therefore departed from London—my only alternative. Just as we +were setting out, <span class="sc">Holes</span> stopped me with a warning gesture.</p> + +<p>"Have you brought the clue with you?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"What clue?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," he answered, rather testily, "any clue you like, so long as +it's a clue. A torn scrap of paper with writing on it, a foot-print in +the mud, a broken chair, a soiled overcoat—it really doesn't matter +what it is, but a clue of some kind we must have."</p> + +<p>"Of course, of course," I said, in soothing tones. "How stupid +of me to forget it. Will this do?" I continued, picking up a piece +of faded green ribbon which happened to be lying on the pavement.</p> + +<p>"The very thing," said <span class="sc">Holes</span>, pocketing it, and so we started. +Our first visit on arriving at Pesth was to the Emperor-King, who +was living <i>incognito</i> in a small back alley of the Hungarian capital. +We cheered the monarch's heart, and proceeded to call on the leader +of the Opposition in the Hungarian Diet. He was a stern man of +some fifty summers, dressed in the national costume. We found him +at supper. <span class="sc">Holes</span> was the first to speak. "Sir," he said, "resistance +is useless. Your schemes have been discovered. All that is +left for you is to throw yourself upon the mercy of your King."</p> + +<p>The rage of the Magyar was fearful to witness. <span class="sc">Holes</span> continued, +inexorably:—"This piece of green ribbon matches the colour of your +Sunday tunic. Can you swear it has not been torn from the lining? +You cannot. I thought so. Know then that wrapped in this ribbon +was found the great Samovar diamond, and that you, you alone, +were concerned in the robbery."</p> + +<p>At this moment the police broke into the room.</p> + +<p>"Remove his Excellency," said <span class="sc">Holes</span>, "and let him forthwith +expiate his crimes upon the scaffold."</p> + +<p>"But," I ventured to interpose, "where is the diamond? Unless +you restore that——"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Potson</span>," whispered <span class="sc">Holes</span>, almost fiercely, "do not be a +fool."</p> + +<p>As he said this, the door once again opened, and the Emperor-King +entered the room, bearing on his head the turquoise crown, in the +centre of which sparkled the great Samovar, "the moon of brilliancy," +as the Hungarian poets love to call it. The Emperor approached the +marvellous detective. "Pardon me," he said, "for troubling you. +I have just found the missing stone under my pillow."</p> + +<p>"Where," said <span class="sc">Holes</span>, "I was about to tell your Majesty that +you would find it."</p> + +<p>"Thank you," said his Majesty, "for restoring to me a valued +possession and ridding me of a knave about whom I have long had +my suspicions." The conclusion of this speech was greeted with loud +"<i>Eljens</i>," the Hungarian national shout, in the midst of which we +took our leave. That is the true story of how the peace of Europe +was preserved by my wonderful friend.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<table summary="tn" align="center"> +<tr> + <td class="note"> + +<p>Transcriber's Note:</p> + +<p>Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired.</p> + +<p>The correction listed below is also indicated in the text by a dashed line at the appropriate place:<br /> +Move the mouse over the word, and the original text <ins title="T.N.: Original reads 'apprears'">appears</ins>.</p> + +<p>Page 165: 'then' corrected to 'than'.</p> + +<p>"But better a miss, or a magpie or so,<br /> + Than that bad, bad form which "Sassiety" shames."</p> + + </td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105 October 7, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39332-h.htm or 39332-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/3/39332/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 October 7, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: April 1, 2012 [EBook #39332] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, October 7th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration] + +"DUE SOUTH!" + +_On Shore in Lulworth Cove._--Odd names on this Southern coast. The +"Tilly Winn Caves,?" for example; likewise "Durdle Dhor," or "Durdle +Door." Who was MATILDA WINN; familiarly styled "TILLY"? An old +fisherman mending his nets,--he is evidently "_The_ Cove of Lulworth +Cove,"--gives me the following tale, which I set down as the + +LEGEND OF TILLY WINN AND DURDLE D'OR. + + The winsome Lady MATILDA WINN, + Was a-ris-to-crati-cal-ly thin, + With dove-like eyes. Her golden hair + Was circled with gems so rich and rare. + White and pink was the healthy skin + Of the winsome Lady MATILDA WINN. + + The Lord of LULWORTH, a somnolent Earl, + Gave his moustache an extra curl + As he woke in the morn, and ope'd his eye, + A passing fair lady was passing by! + Then he swore to himself, "Through thick and thin, + I'll win the Lady MATILDA WINN." + + The Lord of LULWORTH, that somnolent peer, + Gained the young lady's father's ear, + Who said, "My TILLY must me obey. + One week to-morrow shall be the day + When Lulworth's Earl shall become our kin, + By wedding my daughter! my TILLY WINN!" + + MATILDA WINN made signs from shore + To her pirate lover, bold DURDLE D'OR. + Who came at night with ladder of rope, + For TILDA WINN had agreed to elope. + "We're privately married, so 'tis no sin," + Quoth the beautiful Lady MATILDA WINN. + + But the somnolent Earl and the testy Lord + Pursued and caught, ere they got aboard + The pirate vessel, the lovers twain, + Who leapt from the boat! And ne'er again, + When past and gone was the tempest's din, + Were seen DURDLE D'OR and his TILLY WINN. + +There is as pleasant a little hostelrie in Lulworth Cove as is to be +found anywhere in a quiet sort of way, with lunch made and provided, +ready for all comers, be they never so plentiful. Mind always on this +coast command the lobster, he is _toujours a vos ordres_. Those who +can be content with the minimum of variety in the way of amusement, +and with the maximum of health will assuredly find it here, where they +can live the life of a sort of luxurious _Robinson Crusoe_--bathing, +fishing, walking--five or six miles from the nearest railway station, +and visited occasionally by steamboats, which cannot come in quite +close to shore, bringing passengers, from whom tidings may be obtained +of what is going on in the outer world. + +_Note--Of music on board._--Almost every steamboat is accompanied by a +couple of instrumentalists--a harpist and a violinist. These duettists +do uncommonly well pecuniarily, and musically too, considering +the difficulties presented by the sea passages. One of their more +favourite performances is the _intermezzo_ from the _Rusticana_. +Returning from Swanage the wind rather interferes with the strings by +attempting to unfasten the music paper. But the violinist, well on +the alert, has foreseen the probability arising of there being "three +sheets to the wind," and has nailed his colours to the mast, that is, +has tied the music-paper firmly on to the stand. Still, in order to +grapple with rude Boreas, he has to drop a few bars of his part in the +_intermezzo_, a proceeding that causes no sort of inconvenience to the +harpist, who ingeniously "slows off," and adapts time and tune to the +exceptional situation, until the wind, being out of breath with its +mischievous exertions, allows the fiddle-strings to resume their +part in the concert, and kindly permits the two musicians to finish +triumphantly. Their gallant efforts are well rewarded, and the musical +pilgrims collect _largesse_ in a scallop-shell. Back again to P'm'th. + + * * * * * + +THEN AND NOW. + +MR. PUNCH'S REPLY TO THE PREMIER. + + ["There is a popular periodical which, whenever it can, + manifests the Liberal sentiments by which it has been guided + from the first--I mean the periodical _Punch_. At that time I + had the honour of figuring, if I remember right, in a Cartoon + of _Punch_, in connection with the rejection of the Paper + Duty, and a clever Cartoon it was, for I was represented as + a little lad in school, sitting (it was _standing_, Sir--_Mr. + P._) upon a small stool, and Lord DERBY--the Lord DERBY of + that day, who led the House of Lords--was standing over me + with an immense sheet of paper, made into a fool's-cap, which + he planted on my head."--_Mr. Gladstone at Edinburgh, Sept. + 27, 1893._] + + _See Cartoon, "The Paper Cap," in Punch_ (p. 223, vol. + xxxviii.), _June 2, 1860_. + + THIRTY-THREE years ago, my WILLIAM, thirty-three + years ago, + Yet you, as of yore, are well to the fore, and _Punch_, too is + in front also; + And that paper cap was a popular crown, as _Punch_ at the time + suggested; + With the real fool's-cap, by a singular hap, "the Lord DERBY" + himself was invested. + + _Punch_ "advised his friend GLADSTONE to look out for + squalls, and likewise look out his umbrella." + (_Prophetic_ that, but then _Mister P._ was always that + sort of a fella!) + You have used a good many "umbrellas" since then, both Old and New + (Castle) "brollies," + As you needed a stout one in DERBY'S storm, so you will, my + dear WILLIAM, in SOLLY'S. + + You have "had the honour of figuring," Sir, many times since then in + my pages; + As I hope, my dear WILLIAM, with all my heart, you'll continue + to do--oh! for ages! + The same great designer of "clever cartoons" ("our Sir JOHN") + is as lively as ever, + And if _you_'ll give him suitable subjects, dear boy, _he_'ll + still furnish cartoons quite as clever. + + "Liberal sentiments"--"manifest still"--"whenever I can," you say? + Well, Sir! + _My_ sentiments, WILLIAM, are liberal _always_--but + with a small _non-party_ l, Sir! + "Liberal souls devise liberal things"--_you_ know the authority + grand, Sir!-- + If your Liberal things are "liberal," always, by liberal things you + shall stand, Sir. + + There! _Verb. sap._, my long-honoured old chap! May a real + fool's-cap crown you never, + But a Crown of Honour be yours at the end--which we'd wish to + postpone, Sir, for ever! + Thanks very much for your genial touch. We have pleasant joint + memories, many, + Since you fought the good fight on the Paper Duty and a Press at + the Popular Penny! + + * * * * * + +Colourable. + + ["The banners of most of the Dutch regiments have hitherto + been those captured from the French at Waterloo in 1815, since + when they have never been renewed."--_Daily News, September + 22._] + + The Dutch have had second-hand flags to fight under; + And so if "Dutch courage" mean borrowed, what wonder? + + * * * * * + +HISS-TRIONIC QUERY.--Where exists the theatrical manager who, utterly +disregardless of tradition and reckless as to the omen of "the Bird," +would have produced a new piece for the first time _last Friday +night_, which was _Michaelmas Day_, the day sacred to the Goose? We +know of only one manager likely to be so bold, and he would not be so +audacious as to defy the combined omens of ill. + + * * * * * + +Ichabod! + + (_As it generally seems now in Sculling Matches on the Thames._) + + Row, brothers, row! But you don't row fast! + It's foreigner first, and Britisher last! + JOHN no longer can sing now, "I says the Bull" + (As in _Poor Cock Robin_), "_because I can pull!_" + + * * * * * + +COAL AND DRAMA.--Mr. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD says that the Princess's Pit, +which has been closed for a long time, will be at once re-opened. The +price has been generally accepted. + + * * * * * + +NEWS OF THE MATABELE.--The "Impi" are "suffering from want of +supplies." They are impi-cunious. + + * * * * * + +THE MOST GRATUITOUS FORM OF VICE.--Ad-vice! + + * * * * * + +THE REIGN OF RINGLETS. + + ["It is announced that ringlets are to be worn again by + ladies, and that side whiskers are coming in for fashionable + men."--_Daily News._] + +[Illustration] + + Oh prospect Elysian! It called back a vision + Of youth, and those girls of JOHN LEECH'S, JOHN LEECH'S, + Of "corkscrews" that "doddle" all round a fair noddle, + Blue eyes and flushed cheeks like ripe peaches, ripe peaches. + I think of sweet NELLY, whose curls, like a jelly, + Shook soft as she "spooned" me at croquet, at croquet. + But then came lawn tennis old fashion to menace, + And croquet and curls were dubbed "pokey," dubbed "pokey." + + But ringlets! O rapture! One spiral to capture + Of NELL'S many hundreds and snip it, and snip it, + Was simply delightful. She'd swear she "looked frightful" + As into my bosom I'd slip it, I'd slip it. + But one among dozens, on heads like my cousin's, + Love-larceny was, and not robbery, robbery. + If now I dared sever from "tousle-mops" clever + One tress, there would be a rare bobbery, bobbery. + + Ah me! how times alter! My scissors would falter + In trying a _Rape of the Lock to-day, Lock_ to-day. + NELL'S trim buxom body, with curls thick and "doddy," + Would strike the aesthete with a shock to-day, shock to-day. + You only see ringlets on some "poor old thing." Let's + Be kind to the _passe_, but primness, but primness, + With "winkle" curls shaking, is _not_ very taking, + When linked with old-spinster-like slimness,--like slimness. + + I know an "old Biddy"--her name is Miss TWIDDY-- + Who revels in ringlets curled carefully, carefully. + Oh how they doddle around her old noddle! + She's "songful," a taste which I share fully, share fully. + But when she will warble of Halls--they're of Marble,-- + Or Meetings by Moonlight, I'm sorry, I'm sorry + To see curls, and passion, so out of the fashion, + Made mock of by "Up-to-date" FLORRY, -date FLORRY. + + But ringlets reviving? Miss TWIDDY'S long striving + For "Passion's Response" mayn't be hopeless, be hopeless. + In "Days of Pomatum" (for that's how I date 'em) + They used more Macassar, and soap less, and soap less! + Inopportune rain then put things out of train then, + NELL'S mop, how a shower would spoil it, would spoil it! + Curl-papers, concealing--but there, I'm revealing + The mysteries dark of the toilet, the toilet. + + But ringletted friskers, and mutton-chop whiskers, + For "buns" and blue gills closely shaven, -ly shaven! + 'Tis sheer revolution! High Art's contribution + Will be first to croak _a la_ raven, _la_ raven. + Will girls then all giggle with ringlets a-wriggle, + As most of the maids of my youth did, my youth did? + Will male "mutton-chopper," scowl pompously proper, + Like _Dombey_--as _our_ sires in sooth did, in sooth did? + * * * * * + +LIFE (AND DEATH) IN SOUTH AMERICA. + + (_Diary of the week's doings, from our own Correspondent on + the Spot._) + +_Monday._--Matters are still very unsettled, and it will take some +time before public confidence is entirely restored. The policy of the +President in defending the Tramways Extension Bill from the citadel +with grape-shot is condemned as an unwise stretch of the provisions of +the Constitution. It has caused a reorganisation in the Cabinet, +the Secretary for the Interior having resigned, taking with him six +regiments of cavalry, four battalions of infantry, and three brigades +of artillery. This desertion has naturally lessened the chance of the +Employers' Liability Amendment Bill passing this session except at +the point of the bayonet. The division on the first reading of the +Telegraph State Construction Bill was Ayes, 50 killed, 3 wounded; +Noes, 12 killed, 172 wounded. Should this measure pass its second +reading it will be opposed from barricades in committee. + +_Tuesday._--Trade shows some signs of revival, but the continual +bombardment of the Stock Exchange by the opposition fleet in the +offing causes considerable confusion and annoyance. The Minister of +War has retired into a parliamentary cave accompanied by the militia. +It is considered not improbable that this member of the ministry may +throw his ammunition into the scale against his colleagues. The Pauper +Property Insurance Bill has not much chance of passing during the +present year, unless its supporters can bombard the capital. The +second reading of the Lunacy Acts Consolidation Bill was passed with +the assistance of three ironclads and a torpedo catcher. In spite +of the pacific turn that events are now taking, some of the older +inhabitants express considerable uneasiness. + +_Wednesday._--The British Consul has given notice that he will hold +the ministry responsible for the damage done to his residence. On +account of the bombardment he and his family have been forced to +reside in a distant greenhouse. The remainder of the consulate is +razed to the ground. This being the President's birthday, the hall of +the _bureau_ has been crowded with infernal machines sent as presents. +The loud ticking of the concealed machinery has caused several +complaints to be made to the _concierge_. The President and his family +have returned to the seaside. They are being hotly pursued by a large +body of cavalry, infantry, and artillery. However, on the whole the +outlook is brighter, and the trains and omnibuses have recommenced +running. + +_Thursday._--The President has returned to the capital, as the +lodgings he had taken at the seaside were discovered by the rebel +fleet, and bombarded. The business of the session progresses slowly +but surely. The Minister for War, with the assistance of the Militia, +has secured the passing of the vote dealing with his department. He +led the charge in person that carried the "Ayes" Division Lobby. If it +were not for the constant bombardment of all the principal buildings, +and the occasional slaughter of Members of Parliament, things would be +almost normal. There is no doubt that the outlook is peaceful. + +_Friday._.--Things still quieting down. Traffic in the main +thoroughfares is suspended, because the roads are required for charges +of cavalry, and the squares are now used for shell practice. The +fleet have approached closer. This, of course, causes some additional +damage; but as the populace can now hear the bands of the various +ships during the pauses in the bombardment, the arrangement is rather +popular than otherwise. The Government have apologised to the British +Consul for having blown up his house and stables. The incident +consequently is at an end. Several Members of the Cabinet have +accepted the Consul's invitation to lunch. + +_Saturday._.--The Revolution is practically at an end. The fleet are +still bombarding the forts, and the military charge every ten minutes +the populace. The Judges, too, find cause for annoyance in the +constant invasion of the judicial bench by armed artisans. Most of +the fashionable part of the city is in flames, but this is a detail. +However, taking all things into consideration, peace and tranquillity +may be said to be now restored. Of course they are not exactly +the peace and tranquillity of Europe, but they are what people +are accustomed to over here. Should anything of further importance +transpire it shall be wired immediately; but to all appearance the +insurrection is at an end. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW TO SPEND A PLEASANT EVENING! + +["For the purposes of this production the orchestra has been enlarged, +so that some of the instrumentalists have to sit among the audience in +the stalls." _Daily Paper._]] + + * * * * * + +TO THE CONTESTANTS IN THE COAL WAR. + + Oh, stint your rage, abate your rash insanity! + Fight not like fiends, as brother men agree; + And be "the sweet, sad music of humanity," + Played in the _miner_ key! + + * * * * * + +THE IDEAL CONVERSATION. + + [Miss EMILY FAITHFULL, in the _Ladies' Pictorial_, suggests + that girls should always learn up some contribution to make to + the family conversation at table.] + + Miss FAITHFULL, let me send a line + Of most sincere congratulation + On your magnificent design + To raise the tone of conversation; + The plan you kindly recommend + Rejoices many a careful mother, + And, for the future, we intend, + As runs the phrase, "To use no other." + + At breakfast-time we used to talk + On topics commonplace together, + Designed a picnic, planned a walk, + And even criticised the weather; + We gossiped in an idle way, + And made in turn our several guesses + About the age of Mrs. A., + The price of Lady X.'s dresses. + + But now, according to your scheme, + Each carefully-instructed maiden + Discourses on a worthy theme, + And comes with fact and figures laden; + To-day, for instance, MURIEL gave + Some gems from CICERO'S orations, + While MAUD reviewed, in language grave, + The Lower Tertiary Formations. + + And KATE--the mischief-making KATE + Who formerly would merely prattle-- + Described, in accents most sedate, + The use of cavalry in battle. + In fact, by this most noble plan, + Which on your kind advice we're using, + Our conversation never can + Deserve your censure as amusing! + + * * * * * + +THE FOOL WITH A GUN. + + (_To the Tune of the "Temptation of St. Antony."_) + + There are many fools that worry this world, + Fools old, and fools who're young; + Fools with fortunes, and fools without, + Fools who dogmatise, fools who doubt, + Fools who snigger, and fools who shout, + Fools who never know what they're about, + And fools all cheek and tongue; + Fools who're gentlemen, fools who're cads, + Fools who're greybeards, and fools who're lads; + Fools with manias, fools with fads, + Fools with cameras, fools with tracts, + Fools who deny the stubbornest facts, + Fools in theories, fools in acts; + Fools who write Theosophist books, + Fools who believe in Mahatmas and spooks; + Fools who prophesy--races and Tophets-- + Bigger fools who believe in prophets; + Fools who quarrel, and fools who quack; + In fact, there are all sorts of fools in the pack, + Fools fat, thin, short, and tall; + But of all sorts of fools, the Fool with a Gun + (Who points it at someone--of course, "in fun"-- + And fools around till chance murder is done) + Is the worsest fool of them all! + + * * * * * + +"BEING AT CHARGES."--A subject for companion picture to the well-known +"_The Last Charge at Waterloo_" would be "_The Last Charge of the +Archbishop of Canterbury_." For ourselves, in preference to either the +ecclesiastical or the military view of a charge, we like to hear +the Lord Mayor's toast-master call out, "Gentlemen! _Charge_--your +glasses!!" + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE VI.--_The Breakfast-room at Hornbeam Lodge._ + +TIME--8.40 A.M. _on Saturday morning_. Mrs. TOOVEY _is alone_, _making +the tea_. + +_Mrs. Toovey_ (_to herself_). I cannot think what has come to +THEOPHILUS. He has come down late for prayers every morning this week. +Such a bad example for any household, and Cook is beginning to notice +it--I could see it in her eye as she came in. He is so strange in his +manner, too; if I did not know he was absolutely incapable of--but +_why_ did he secrete that abominable programme of CHARLES'S? He _said_ +he kept it with a view to making inquiries, but I have heard nothing +about them since. (_Aloud_, _to_ PH[OE]BE, _who brings in dishes +and two letters_.) Oh, the post, PH[OE]BE? it's late this morning. +(PH[OE]BE _goes out_.) One for Pa, and one for me--from ALTHEA--it was +certainly time she wrote. (_Reading her letter._) "Delightful visit +... the MERRIDEWS so kind ... so much to see and do ... back on Monday +... no time for more at present." Not a word of where she's been or +what she's seen--not at _all_ the letter a girl should write to her +mother! I wonder whom Pa's letter is from? (_She turns it over._) +What's this? "Eldorado Palace of Varieties" printed on the flap! Why, +that's CHARLES'S music-hall! Then Pa _has_ been making inquiries after +all. As CHARLES'S aunt I have a right to---- (_She is about to open +the envelope._) No, I'd better not, I hear Pa's hum--he will be sure +to tell me what they say. + +_Mr. Toovey enters_ (_humming, to give himself a countenance_). Ha, so +you've had prayers without me? Quite right--quite right. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_severely_). Anything _but_ right, Pa. You ought to have +been down long ago. I heard you brushing your hair as I went out. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_feebly_). It was very tiresome, my love, but my +collar-stud got under the wardrobe, and I couldn't get it out for ever +so long. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Your things have taken to behave in a very extraordinary +manner, Pa. Yesterday it was your braces! + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I believe it _was_ my braces yesterday. Ah well, we +must bear with these little vexations--bear with them! (_To himself._) +A letter for me? From the Eldorado! It's the box! I--I hoped Mr. +CURPHEW had forgotten. + +[_He thrusts it into his pocket unopened, in a flurry._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ Is there any reason why you shouldn't read your letter, +Pa? It may be of importance. + +_Mr. Toov._ I--I don't think it is, my love--particularly. It--it will +keep till after breakfast. What is this--kedgeree? Ha! I've come down +with quite an appetite--quite a famous appetite! + + [_He pecks at his kedgeree ostentatiously._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ Perhaps I'd better ring and have two more eggs boiled if +you're so hungry as all that, Pa? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_in terror at this suggestion_). Not for me, my love, not +for me. I--I've made an excellent breakfast! + +_Mrs. Toov._ Then now, Pa, perhaps you will be at leisure to read your +letter. I am curious to know what correspondence you can possibly have +with an Eldorado Palace. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). Oh, dear me, she's seen the flap! Why +do they put the name outside--so thoughtless of them! (_He opens +the letter._) Yes, it _is_ the order. I _can't_ show it to CORNELIA! +(_Aloud._) I--I told you I was making inquiries. + +_Mrs. Toov._ About CHARLES'S habits? So you've written to the Manager, +without consulting me! Well--what does he say? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). I don't like these deceptions--but I +_must_ consider poor CHARLES. (_Aloud._) Oh--hum--very little, my +love, very little indeed, but satisfactory--most satisfactory--he's no +complaint to make of CHARLES--none whatever! + +_Mrs. Toov._ As if it was likely you would get the truth from such a +tainted source! Let me see his letter. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_pocketing the letter again, hastily_). No, my dear +love, you must excuse me--but this is a private and confidential +communication, and--and, in common fairness to CHARLES--I'll trouble +you for another cup of tea. (_To himself._) It's for this very night. +I've a great mind not to go. How am I to make an excuse for getting +away? (_Aloud._) I've half a mind to run up some time, and--and look +in on CHARLES. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). If CHARLES is misconducting himself, I +ought to know--and I _will_, sooner or later. I'm sure THEOPHILUS is +keeping something from me. (_Aloud._) I've only put in one lump, Pa. +You may find him at home if you went up this afternoon. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_relieved_). An excellent suggestion, my love. I _will_ +go this afternoon. He--he might ask me to stay and dine with him; so +if--if I don't come back, you'll know where I am--eh? You won't be +anxious? + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). He's trying to spare me, but I can see +he's _most_ uneasy about CHARLES. (_Aloud._) Well, Pa, I don't like +the idea of your dining out without me--it will be the first time for +years--but still, I shall have to be away myself this evening; +there's a special meeting of the Zenana Mission Committee, and Mrs. +CUMBERBATCH made such a point of my attending--so, if you feel you +really _ought_ to see CHARLES---- + +_Mr. Toov._ Oh. I _do_, my dear. He--he wants looking after. And +perhaps, if I could have a little quiet, serious talk with him, after +dinner--or over a game of draughts. (_To himself._) What a dissembler +I've become; but I _do_ mean to look in on CHARLES, before I go to +this Eldorado place, and there _may_ be time for a game of draughts! + +_Mrs. Toov._ You would learn more, THEOPHILUS, by putting a few +questions to his landlady. But remember, when you come back, I shall +insist on being told everything--_everything_, mind! + +_Mr. Toov._ Oh, of course, my love, of course. (_To himself._) If my +visit proves satisfactory, I--I might tell her. It will depend on how +I feel--entirely on how I feel. + +END OF SCENE VI. + + + SCENE VII.--_The Drawing-room. It is after luncheon._ Mrs. + TOOVEY _is sitting knitting_. + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_entering, in a frock-coat, carrying a tall hat_). +Er--CORNELIA, my love, you don't happen to know where the--the +latchkey is kept, do you? + +_Mrs. Toovey._ The latchkey, THEOPHILUS! One has never been required +in this house _yet_. What can you possibly want with a latchkey? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). These performances go on till a somewhat +advanced hour, I've no doubt, and I might feel it my duty to stay +as long as---- (_Aloud._) I--I only thought it would save PH[OE]BE +sitting up for me, my dear. + +_Mrs. Toov._ You need not trouble yourself about that, THEOPHILUS. I +will sit up for you, if necessary. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_quaking_). But you forget your Zenana Mission, my love; +you will be out yourself this evening! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_severely_). I shall be back by a reasonable hour, +Pa,--and so will _you_, I should hope. + +_Mr. Toov._ I hope so, my love, I'm sure, but--but I may have a good +deal to say to CHARLES, you know. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). There's some mystery about that wretched +boy, I'm certain. If I could only find out what was in that letter. I +wonder if it's in Pa's pocket--I'll soon see. (_Aloud._) Turn round, +Pa. Ah, I _thought_ as much; one of your coat-tail buttons is as +nearly off as it can be! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_innocently_). Dear me! My Sunday coat, too. I never +observed it. Could you just fasten it on a little more securely? + +[Illustration: "Eldorado Palace of Varieties. Admit Mr. Toovey and +Party to Box C. This portion to be retained."] + +_Mrs. Toov._ If you take off your coat. I can't do it with you +prancing about in front of me, Pa. (_Mr. T. takes off his coat._) +Now, I can't have you in my drawing-room in your shirtsleeves--suppose +somebody called! Go into your study and wait there till I've done. +(_Mr. T. departs submissively._) Now if the letter isn't in one of +these pockets, it must be in---- (_She discovers the envelope._) There +it is. _Now_ I shall know what CHARLES---- I'm sure his poor dear +mother would wish to be informed. (_She opens the letter._) "Eldorado +Palace of Varieties. Admit Mr. TOOVEY and party to Box C. This portion +to be retained." (_She tears off a perforated slip._) I _will_ retain +it! So THEOPHILUS has been deceiving me--_this_ is his business with +CHARLES! _This_ is why he kept that programme! And he's allowing +himself to be misled by his own nephew! They're going to this +music-hall to-night, together! He shall _not_ go--never while I--stop, +let me think--yes, he _shall_ go--he shall fill up the measure of his +iniquity, little dreaming that I have the clear proof of his deceit! +(_She thrusts the slip she has torn off into her workbox, and replaces +the envelope with the remainder of the order in the pocket._) There. +He won't notice that anything is missing. He's coming back. I must +control myself, or he will be on his guard. + + [_She pretends to secure the button with unsteady fingers._ + +_Mr. Toov._ (_entering_). CORNELIA, my love, don't trouble to do more +than is absolutely necessary to keep the button secure--because I'm +rather in a hurry. It doesn't matter, so long as it looks respectable! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_with an effort to restrain her feelings_). I daresay it +is quite respectable enough, Pa, for where you are going. + +_Mr. Toov._ Quite, indeed, my dear. But it would never have done to go +and call on CHARLES with a button off the back of my coat--no, no. It +was fortunate you noticed it in time, my love. + +_Mrs. Toov._ I hope it will prove so, THEOPHILUS. (_To herself._) And +this monster of duplicity is Pa! Oh, I wish I could tell him what I +thought of him, but not yet--we will have our reckoning later! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_after putting on his coat_). Then I think I must be +going. Any message I can take to CHARLES? + +_Mrs. Toov._ Yes, tell him that I trust he will profit by his good +Uncle's example, and that I expect him to dinner on Monday. I may +require to have a serious talk with him myself, if your account of +this evening is not perfectly satisfactory. + +_Mr. Toov._ I'll tell him, my love, but there's no reason to make +yourself uneasy about CHARLES--he'll behave himself--he'll behave +himself. (_To himself, as he goes out._) I must go and see CHARLES +now. Oh dear, I do feel so apprehensive about this visit to the +Eldorado.--If I could put it off.--But I can't continue to hold those +shares without some knowledge---- And Mr. CURPHEW made such a point of +my going. No, I must go. I--I don't see how I can get out of it! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_alone_). There he goes, looking so meek and lamblike! +Who would suspect, to see him, that that black coat of his was +buttoned round a whited sepulchre? Oh, Pa, Pa! That after all these +years of blameless life you should suddenly be seized with a +depraved desire for unhallowed amusement like this! While I am at +the CUMBERBATCHES, engaged in discussing the affairs of the Zenana +Mission, you and CHARLES will be---- Stop. How do I know he is going +with CHARLES at all? If he is capable of deceiving me in one respect, +why not in all? (_She takes out the slip and looks at it._) Mr. TOOVEY +and party! _What_ party? May not Pa have been leading a--a double life +all these years for anything I can tell? He is going to the Eldorado +to-night with _somebody_--that's clear. Who is it? I shall never be +easy till I know. And why should I not? There's the meeting, though. +I might have a headache. Yes, that will do. (_She goes to her +writing-table._) No, I won't write. I can make some excuse to ELIZA +when I see her. And instead of going to the CUMBERBATCHES this +evening, I can easily slip up to Waterloo and ask my way to this +place. There will be no difficulty in that. Yes, I will go, whatever +it costs me. And when Pa goes into this Box C of his, he will find his +"party" is larger than he expected! + +END OF SCENE VII. + + * * * * * + +PLAYING THE DEUCE AT THE HAYMARKET. + +Of course, to speak with theological accuracy, _The Tempter_, being +the "very devil incarnate," ought to be "damned." That this has +not been his fate at the Haymarket is owing to Mr. BEERBOHM TREE +primarily, to his company secondarily, and to the author remotely. To +treat in any fresh dramatic form the story of _Faust and Marguerite_, +a dramatist must be the subject of a special and peculiar inspiration. +Now what this play lacks is inspiration. + +What in this piece ENRY HAUTHOR JONES mistook for the "divine +afflatus" is mere long-windedness. His _Tempter_ may be an entertainer +assuming various disguises, and more and more like himself on every +occasion, but a real devil he is not, except so far as Mr. TREE with +wonderful art makes him; and, even then, the question is forced +upon us, would any devil with any sort of self-respect, pick up a +cross-handled dagger just as if it were an ordinary walking-stick, and +politely return it to its owner? This is the first time that a +devil on the stage hasn't shuddered and grovelled at the sight of +a cross-handle. Again, how far more effective would some of the +supernatural movements of this irreclaimably wicked personage have +been had they been performed by means of some clever arrangement +of "wires," such as that with which Mlle. AENEA used to astonish the +public? Where are the stage mechanists who assisted GEORGE CONQUEST, +that unique representative of sprites and gnomes, who achieved success +by "leaps and bounds?" + +Fortunately the piece does not depend for its success on mere +mechanism, but on the acting of Mr. TREE, which is in all respects +admirable in its diabolical variety; much depends, too, on Mrs. +TREE, who is charming and sympathetic in a small part. Mr. TERRY, +who occasionally, in tone and look, reminds me of HENRY IRVING, +contributes his share towards the general histrionic excellence, as +also does Miss JULIA NEILSON, who in tone and action frequently +makes me wish that once and for ever she would give up attempting +an imitation of ELLEN TERRY. But be it said that the acting of this +couple is remarkably good in the love scene, as it is also in the very +trying death scene, which could have been so easily and so utterly +ruined. + +[Illustration: "Arbor in Arbore." A Wood Engraving.] + +The author is at his best in his curt, cynical sentences. Epigrams are +few and far between in the play, but what there are go to the devil, +that is, are given to the "Old Gentleman," with the best possible +result. ENRY HAUTHOR is at his worst in the long speeches, not one +of which, no matter to whom it may fall, but would be the better for +cutting. Of course, suggestions for abbreviating the _Tempter_'s +part would not be favourably entertained by the principal actor, +as, naturally enough, any Tree objects to being cut down: and as his +personal success is too decided for him to be "cut up," the Tree will +have to remain, though lopping and pruning would be advantageous to +the growth and strength of this Tree now that it has assumed these +proportions. And the moral? Well, GOETHE, I think, in the poem was a +trifle hazy about the ultimate fate of his lovers; but in the opera +there is no doubt about it. With _Marguerite_ it was "Here we go up, +up, up," and with _Faust_ it was just the reverse: but the operatic +_Faust_ will always "go down" when sung and played as it was this +season at Covent Garden. I forget what BOITO does with his erring +couple, but where Mr. JONES'S demon resembles BOITO'S, and also +BYRON'S, Satan, is in his monologues addressed directly to the Supreme +Being. But those Satans were Fallen Archangels of Heaven; this of +'ENRY HAUTHOR'S is a Fallen Angel of Islington. This illogical demon +sneers at one of the characters for not using language sufficiently +strong to express his feelings; yet when his own turn comes his +blasphemy is vulgar, and so mild that not the sternest magistrate +would like to fine him for it. And strange to say, in one passage +(which most persons would have deemed objectionable, did it not +come to them on the authority of the Lord Chamberlain's Theatrical +Licensing office), the Prince of Darkness shows himself a gentleman +curiously ignorant of such elementary Christian theology as he could +have picked up from a penny catechism. How Mr. TREE was ever in-deuced +to attempt the _Tempter_ by ENRY HAUTHOR, will remain a mystery to the +end of the run, and if that should be in the far distant future, +the mystery will be Tree-mendous, and absolutely impenetrable. The +costumes are artistic and superb, the scenery effective, though the +majestic proportions of Canterbury Cathedral are rather dwarfed by the +imposing figure of the Very Deuce, who is "all over the place." + + * * * * * + +Morning Thought. + + (_By a chilly Autumn Guest at a Country House._) + + _GR-R-R-R!_ No fire in the grate--for our hostess is thrifty-- + Although the thermometer stands below fifty! + Well, I wish to be courteous and sober; + But the _biggest_ of pests is that pig of a host-- + In a climate like ours, too!--who makes it his boast + That "he _never_ starts fires till October!" + + * * * * * + +A GOOD KICK-OFF.--The "Rugby" decision against "professional" +football. Let us hope it will be followed by an equally energetic +"kick-out" of the growing "rowdy" element in this popular, if somewhat +over-praised, "National game." All good sportsmen long to see a +"penalty kick" administered to blackguardism in the football field. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION. + +_Ducal Butler_ (_showing Art Treasures of Stilton Castle_). "THE THREE +GRACES--AFTER CANOVA!" + +_Mrs. Ramsbotham._ "HOW INTERESTING! AND PRAY, WHICH IS THE _PRESENT_ +DUCHESS?"] + + * * * * * + +ALEXANDER AND DIOGENES. + +(_Modern Teutonic Version._) + + ["My complaint being of a nervous character, I share the + opinion of my doctor that, if I pass the winter in the midst + of my accustomed surroundings and occupations, it will be + the most likely means of promoting my recovery."--_Prince + Bismarck's reply to the German Emperor's Letter._] + +_Diogenes_ (_of Kissingen_) loquitur:-- + + _Only to leave me to my tub!_ Ha! had him _there_ I flatter me! + Too late, my ALEXANDER, now to butter or to batter me! + You "Dropped the Pilot"--with that youthful confidence that some adore-- + The "whirligig of time" has turned; the "Pilot" drops the "Commodore." + + A _fico_ for Imperial "Pots," and their young princely progenies. + Belated condescension won't conciliate DIOGENES. + Cynic and Conqueror exchange compliments Ciceronian, + But--there's a sting in some smooth words, for a mouthing Macedonian. + + Mine are not _sanitary_ "tubs," the Varzin, or the other one + At Friedrichsruh, you hint. Oh get away, and do not bother one! + I've got a "nervous system" now, and noisy, young, despotical, + "Shock-headed Peters" worry one, when aged and neurotical. + + Your castles, and your palaces, and things, in Central Germany, + I "trample on"--like Plato's pride. Ha! does that make you squirm any? + Confer with your Court Marshal, if you like; I only promise I'll + Transfer my Tub--to Friedrichsruh, when up to change of domicile. + + "How to command men" is my skill, as 'twas of him of Pontus, Sire, + _You_ can't command such men as I just when you chance to want us, Sire! + As soon as Doctor SCHWENINGER says he has no objection, Sire, + I'll travel to another Tub--but not of your selection, Sire. + + _Sings_-- + + 'Midst castles and palaces though I _might_ roam, + Be it ever so humble there's no place like home. + The charm of the Tub seems to hallow me there, + Which all Central Germany's castles can't share. + Home! home! Sweet, sweet home! + Though 'tis only a Tub, there is no place like home! + + An exile from court, castles dazzle in vain. + Oh! give me my Tub and I'll gladly remain. + A proud ALEXANDER I'm sorry (!) to snub, + But--keep your fine castles, leave me to my Tub! + Home! home! Sweet, sweet home! + Though you mayn't like its "climate," there's no place like home! + + [_Left curled up in it._ + + * * * * * + + +"PAS MEME ACADEMICIEN!" + + [ALBERT MOORE, the exquisite decorative painter, died on + September 25, at the age of fifty-two, "without Academic + honour."] + + "LOVE is enough." Beauty, it seems, is not. + And yet upon our land's artistic fame, + It seems--does it not, Sirs?--a bitter blot + That the official roll lacks this great name! + No matter! The R. A., with tight-closed door, + Hath less--of honour; English Art hath MOORE. + + * * * * * + +"Did you hear PADEREWSKI the pianist?" asked someone of our old friend +Mrs. R. "Oh, yes," she replied; "I was most fortunate. He played for +several hours at a friend's house, and he gave us the whole of his +Repartee." + + * * * * * + +RIDDLE BY 'ARRY.--"Look 'ere, if you're speakin' of a young unmarried +lady bein' rather 'uffy, what well-known river would you name?--Why, +_'Miss is 'ippy'_, o' course." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALEXANDER AND DIOGENES. + +ALEXANDER. "IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU? CASTLE? OR ANYTHING OF +THAT SORT?" DIOGENES. "NO--ONLY TO LEAVE ME TO MY TUB!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GUESTS TO BE AVOIDED. + +"HULLO, OLD MAN! HOW'S IT YOU'RE DINING AT THE CLUB? THOUGHT YOUR WIFE +TOLD ME SHE HAD THE BROWNS AND SMITHS TO DINNER THIS EVENING?" + +"NO--THAT WAS YESTERDAY. THIS EVENING SHE HAS THE ODDS AND ENDS!"] + + * * * * * + +RIFLEMEN--"FORM!" + +(_A new Volunteer Song, "in vulgar parlance," Brought up to date, +after Lord Tennyson_.) + + ["It is not going too far to say that thousands of men best + fitted, physically and morally, to serve as officers or in the + ranks, hold aloof from the Volunteers, because they are keenly + alive to inefficiency of the average Volunteer. In vulgar + parlance they look upon Volunteering as 'bad form.'"--_The + Times._] + + There is a sound that must terribly jar + On the ears of the West in our finical day; + 'Tisn't a sound of battle and war, + But of something much worse in its "vulgar" way. + Storm's warm about Volunteer "form," + Ready, be ready against that storm! + "Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!" + + Be not deaf to the sound that warns! + What? "Bad form!"--that's a prig's last plea. + Are figs of thistles? or grapes of thorns? + How can W. feel with E. C.? + "Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!" + Ready to meet "Sassiety's" storm! + Riflemen, Riflemen, shun "bad form!" + + Reform your "form"! Abide nothing "low"! + Look to yon butts, and take good aims! + But better a miss, or a magpie or so, + Than that bad, bad form which "Sassiety" shames. + Storm's warm about Volunteer "form," + Ready, be ready against that storm! + Riflemen, Riflemen, Riflemen--"Form!!!" + + For "form" be ready to do or die + "Form," in "Sassiety's" name, and the QUEEN'S! + "In vulgar parlance" "good form"'s the cry-- + Though only a fribble knows what it means. + But "Form!" "Form!" Riflemen, "Form!" + Ready, be ready to meet the storm + Against the Riflemen's "shocking bad form!" + + * * * * * + +THE LONDON SCHOOL BOARD VADE MECUM. + +_Question._ What are the functions of the School Board? + +_Answer._ To protest against the conduct of the Educational +Department. + +_Q._ In this protest has the Board the sympathy of the public? + +_A._ Unquestionably; because the conduct of the Educational Department +is calculated to send up rates. + +_Q._ But does not the Department look after the sanitary side of the +matter? + +_A._ Perhaps so; but sanitation is too expensive a matter to be +treated without the maturest consideration. + +_Q._ Are the recommendations of the Department unreasonable? + +_A._ Very. The Board is required to make the most costly alterations +in buildings that have already eaten up a large sum of money, and +should not consume a penny more. + +_Q._ But are not the suggested improvements ones that would be +accepted nowadays in any new design? + +_A._ Certainly, but then their adoption would be the cause of little +or no expense. + +_Q._ Then should science stop still until the rates become abated? + +_A._ That would be the practical course for science to pursue. + +_Q._ But leaving grievances out of the question, what can be said +about education? + +_A._ That is a matter of secondary importance, when compared with the +latest sanitary developments. + +_Q._ But how about the children? Have they been educated? What can be +said about them? + +_A._ Nothing. So far as the School Board is concerned, the question of +education in general is absolutely of secondary importance. + +_Q._ Then the career of a child need not be considered nor watched? + +_A._ Of course not. The sole means suggested for teaching a child +is to squabble with the Government and to more or less ignore the +requirements of the schoolmaster. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ON THE CHANCE." + +_Young Mamma._ "WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE, MY GOOD MAN?" + +_The "Good Man" (seeing she is not a Potato Customer)_. "ONLY BOILING +WATER, MA'AM. YOU SEE, THIS TIME O' YEAR, THE SEA GETS RATHER +COLD, AND SOME OF THE LADIES ARE SO PARTICULAR ABOUT THEIR LITTLE +TODDLEKINS, BLESS 'EM!" + +_Young Mamma (struck with the idea)_. "OH, THEN, PLEASE BE HERE +TO-MORROW MORNING AT EIGHT O'CLOCK, AND BRING TWO CANS!" + +[_At once tenders him a Shilling. Needless to say Our Artist was not +up in time to see if appointment was kept punctually._] + + * * * * * + + +BISHOP BOBADIL. + + ["As to the course which the English Government should take + in this matter, he was in favour of their acting on the + principles enunciated in the Sermon on the Mount; but when it + was found that a contrary course was necessary, then they must + drop the sermon and have recourse to the sword."--The + Bishop of DERRY, in Westminster Abbey, on the subject of + Mashonaland.] + + Of old the bully swaggered free, + He recked not how the fight arose; + He wore his warlike panoply, + A hireling and a man of blows. + + He knew no mercy, was not meek + (The meek are blessed, said the Lord); + If one should smite him on the cheek, + He turned, but turned to draw his sword. + + He trod the weaker in the mire, + Nor stayed from blood his mailed hand, + And tramped in fury and in fire + Through many a devastated land. + + I blame him not, it was his trade; + Though small his care for wrong or right, + At least he fought himself, nor stayed + At home to bid the others fight. + + Long since we've placed him on the shelf; + Behold instead, his crosier drawn, + Within the sacred Minster's self + A bully blustering in lawn. + + A broad-brimmed stirrer up of strife, + "I hold," he cries, "of small account + His sense who stoops to base his life + Upon the Sermon on the Mount. + + "That is, if unprepared to strike. + Some help that Sermon _may_ afford. + You suit yourselves, and, when you like, + You drop it and you draw the sword." + + Go to, you loud and foolish priest, + Nor scorn the precepts you should keep. + Still is it true that, west or east, + The wolves are sometimes clothed like sheep. + + And here ('twas thus in ancient days) + False prophets shame the Master still. + And congregations chant the praise + Of blatant Bishop BOBADIL. + + * * * * * + +WOODMEN, SPARE THOSE TREES! + +_New (New Forest) Version._ + +[Mr. AUBERON HERBERT says "the rapacious and spendthrift" woodmen of +the Crown have recently felled two hundred oaks in the New Forest.] + + Woodmen, spare those trees! + You're playing up rare jokes + In felling, at your ease, + Hundreds of British oaks. + We'd ax you stay your axe. + Come! no official rot! + Or _Punch_'s wrath may wax, + And then--you'll get it hot. + + Those old familiar trees + Are glory and renown. + Don't think your business, _please_, + Is just to hew them down! + We _ask_ you, for the nonce. + If such appeal is vain, + We'll bid you, sharp, at once, + "Cut"--and _don't_ come again! + + * * * * * + + +"GOOD SIR JOHN!" + +(_To Sir John Gilbert, R.A., on his receiving the Freedom of the City._ + +_By an Old Boy._) + + + Good Black (and White) Knight, + Our youth's joint delight, + With that other Black Knight, dear Sir WALTER'S + (Whom you pictured well), + Ancient memories swell, + Till language, in praising you, falters. + You drew, with such dash, + _All_ our heroes; they flash + On our memories. Ah, we thanked _you_ so + For Dons, Rosinantes, + And Sanchos (CERVANTES!) + "Leather-Stocking," and Robinson Crusoe. + Our fancies still carry + Your (SHAKSPEARE'S) King Harry, + We know our own boyhood's sound slumbers + Were haunted by Pucks, + Robin Hoods, Friar Tucks, + And scenes from your brave Christmas Numbers. + God bless you, Sir JOHN, + For your Knight and your Don, + Who moved our youth's fervour and pity! + Sure every Old Boy + Hopes you long may enjoy + The freedom (and health) of our City! + + * * * * * + + +RIDDLE FOR THE GREAT REALIST. + + +_Q._ When is a sailor like a French journalist? + +_A._ When he has to "sign articles." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHO WOULD NOT BE A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT?] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEAT WAY OF PUTTING IT. + +_Cabby_ (_to Clergyman, who has paid the legal fare_). "WON'T LEAVE ME +MUCH FOR THE HOFFERTORY NEXT SUNDAY, SIR, WILL IT?"] + + * * * * * + + +THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES. + +(_By Cunnin Toil._) + +No. V.--THE HUNGARIAN DIAMOND. + +Everybody must remember the apparently causeless panic that seized +the various European governments only a few years ago. It was the dead +season. Members of Parliament were all disporting themselves on the +various grouse-moors which are specially reserved for that august +legislative body in order that there may be no lack of accuracy in the +articles of those who imagine that the 12th of August brings to +every M.P. a yearning for the scent of heather and the sound of +breech-loading guns. Suddenly, and without any warning, a great fear +spread through Europe. Nobody seemed able to state precisely how +it began. There were, of course, some who attributed it to an +after-dinner speech made by the German Emperor at the annual banquet +of the Blue Boesewitzers, the famous Cuirassier regiment of which the +Grand Duke of SCHNUPFTUCHSTEIN is the honorary commanding officer. +Others again saw in it the influence of M. PAUL DEROULEDE, while yet a +third party attributed it with an equal assumption of certainty to the +fact that Austria had recently forbidden the import of Servian pigs. +They were all wrong. The time has come when the truth must be known. +The story I am about to tell will show my extraordinary friend, +PICKLOCK HOLES, on an even higher pinnacle of unmatchable acumen than +that which fame has hitherto assigned to him. He may be vexed when +he reads my narrative of his triumphs, for he is as modest as he is +inductive; but I am determined that, at whatever cost, the story shall +be made public. + +It was on one of those delightful evenings for which our English +summer is famous, that HOLES and I were as usual sitting together and +conversing as to the best methods of inferring an Archbishop from +a hat-band and a Commander-in-Chief from a penny-whistle. I had put +forward several plans which appeared to me to be satisfactory, but +HOLES had scouted them one after another with a cold impassivity which +had not failed to impress me, accustomed though I was to the great +man's exhibition of it. + +"Here," said HOLES, eventually, "are the necessary steps. Hat-band, +band-master, master-mind, mind-your-eye, eye-ball, ball-bearing, +bear-leader, Leda and the Swan, swan-bill, bill-post, post-cart, +cart-road, roadway, Weybridge, bridge-arch, arch-bishop. The inference +of a Commander-in-Chief is even easier. You have only to assume that a +penny-whistle has been found lying on the Horse-Guards' Parade by the +Colonel of the Scots Guards, and carried by him to the office of the +Secretary of State for War. Thereupon you subdivide the number of +drummer-boys in a regiment of Goorkhas by the capital value of a +sergeant's retiring pension, and----" + +But the rest of this marvellous piece of concise reasoning must remain +for ever a secret, for at this moment a bugle-call disturbed the +stillness of the summer night, and HOLES immediately paused. + +"What can that mean?" I asked, in some alarm, for Camberwell (our +meeting place) is an essentially unmilitary district, and I could not +account for this strange and awe-inspiring musical demonstration. + +"Hush," said HOLES, with perfect composure; "it is the agreed signal. +Listen. The great Samovar diamond, the most brilliant jewel in the +turquoise crown of Hungary, has been lost. The Emperor of AUSTRIA is +in despair. Next week he is due at Pesth, but he cannot appear before +the fierce and haughty Magyars in a crown deprived of the decoration +that all Hungary looks upon as symbolical of the national existence. +A riot in Pesth at this moment would shake the Austro-Hungarian empire +to its foundations. With it the Triple Alliance would crumble into +dust, and the peace of Europe would not be worth an hour's purchase. +It is, therefore, imperative that before the dawn of next Monday the +diamond should be restored to its wonted setting." + +"My dear HOLES," I said, "this is more terrible than I thought. +Have they appealed to you, as usual, after exhausting all the native +talent?" + +"My dear POTSON," replied my friend, "you ask too much. Let it suffice +that I have been consulted, and that the determination of the question +of peace or war lies in these hands." And with these words the +arch-detective spread before my eyes those long, sinewy, and +meditative fingers which had so often excited my admiration. + +Our preparations for departure to Hungary were soon made. I hardly +know why I accompanied HOLES. It seemed somehow to be the usual thing +that I should be present at all his feats. I thought he looked for +my company, and though his undemonstrative nature would never have +suffered him to betray any annoyance had I remained absent, I judged +it best not to disturb the even current of his investigations by +departing from established precedent. I therefore departed from +London--my only alternative. Just as we were setting out, HOLES +stopped me with a warning gesture. + +"Have you brought the clue with you?" he asked. + +"What clue?" + +"Oh," he answered, rather testily, "any clue you like, so long as it's +a clue. A torn scrap of paper with writing on it, a foot-print in the +mud, a broken chair, a soiled overcoat--it really doesn't matter what +it is, but a clue of some kind we must have." + +"Of course, of course," I said, in soothing tones. "How stupid of me +to forget it. Will this do?" I continued, picking up a piece of faded +green ribbon which happened to be lying on the pavement. + +"The very thing," said HOLES, pocketing it, and so we started. Our +first visit on arriving at Pesth was to the Emperor-King, who was +living _incognito_ in a small back alley of the Hungarian capital. We +cheered the monarch's heart, and proceeded to call on the leader of +the Opposition in the Hungarian Diet. He was a stern man of some fifty +summers, dressed in the national costume. We found him at supper. +HOLES was the first to speak. "Sir," he said, "resistance is useless. +Your schemes have been discovered. All that is left for you is to +throw yourself upon the mercy of your King." + +The rage of the Magyar was fearful to witness. HOLES continued, +inexorably:--"This piece of green ribbon matches the colour of your +Sunday tunic. Can you swear it has not been torn from the lining? You +cannot. I thought so. Know then that wrapped in this ribbon was found +the great Samovar diamond, and that you, you alone, were concerned in +the robbery." + +At this moment the police broke into the room. + +"Remove his Excellency," said HOLES, "and let him forthwith expiate +his crimes upon the scaffold." + +"But," I ventured to interpose, "where is the diamond? Unless you +restore that----" + +"POTSON," whispered HOLES, almost fiercely, "do not be a fool." + +As he said this, the door once again opened, and the Emperor-King +entered the room, bearing on his head the turquoise crown, in the +centre of which sparkled the great Samovar, "the moon of brilliancy," +as the Hungarian poets love to call it. The Emperor approached the +marvellous detective. "Pardon me," he said, "for troubling you. I have +just found the missing stone under my pillow." + +"Where," said HOLES, "I was about to tell your Majesty that you would +find it." + +"Thank you," said his Majesty, "for restoring to me a valued +possession and ridding me of a knave about whom I have long had my +suspicions." The conclusion of this speech was greeted with loud +"_Eljens_," the Hungarian national shout, in the midst of which we +took our leave. That is the true story of how the peace of Europe was +preserved by my wonderful friend. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired. + +Page 165: 'then' corrected to 'than'. + +"But better a miss, or a magpie or so, + Than that bad, bad form which "Sassiety" shames." + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105 October 7, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39332.txt or 39332.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/3/3/39332/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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