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diff --git a/39293.txt b/39293.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..30b7fbf --- /dev/null +++ b/39293.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9353 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and +Manual of Politeness, by Cecil B. Hartley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness + Being a Complete Guide for a Gentleman's Conduct in all + his Relations Towards Society + +Author: Cecil B. Hartley + +Release Date: March 28, 2012 [EBook #39293] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + + + + +Produced by Julia Miller, S.D., and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + THE + + GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, + + AND + + MANUAL OF POLITENESS; + + BEING + + A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR A GENTLEMAN'S CONDUCT IN ALL + HIS RELATIONS TOWARDS SOCIETY. + + CONTAINING + + RULES FOR THE ETIQUETTE TO BE OBSERVED IN THE STREET, AT + TABLE, IN THE BALL ROOM, EVENING PARTY, AND MORNING + CALL; WITH FULL DIRECTIONS FOR POLITE CORRESPONDENCE, + DRESS, CONVERSATION, MANLY EXERCISES, + AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. + + FROM THE BEST FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND AMERICAN AUTHORITIES. + + BY + CECIL B. HARTLEY. + + BOSTON: + G. W. COTTRELL, PUBLISHER, + 36 CORNHILL. + + +Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by + +G. G. EVANS, + +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of +Pennsylvania. + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + + +Man was not intended to live like a bear or a hermit, apart from others +of his own nature, and, philosophy and reason will each agree with me, +that man was born for sociability and finds his true delight in society. +Society is a word capable of many meanings, and used here in each and +all of them. Society, _par excellence_; the world at large; the little +clique to which he is bound by early ties; the companionship of friends +or relatives; even society _tete a tete_ with one dear sympathizing +soul, are pleasant states for a man to be in. + +Taking the word in its most extended view, it is the world; but in the +light we wish to impress in our book it is the smaller world of the +changing, pleasant intercourse of each city or town in which our reader +may chance to abide. + +This society, composed, as it is, of many varying natures and elements, +where each individual must submit to merge his own identity into the +universal whole, which makes the word and state, is divided and +subdivided into various cliques, and has a pastime for every +disposition, grave or gay; and with each division rises up a new set of +forms and ceremonies to be observed if you wish to glide down the +current of polite life, smoothly and pleasantly. + +The young man who makes his first entrance into the world of society, +should know how to choose his friends, and next how to conduct himself +towards them. Experience is, of course, the best guide, but at first +starting this must come second hand, from an older friend, or from +books. + +A judicious friend is the best guide; but how is the young man to know +whom to choose? When at home this friend is easily selected; but in this +country, where each bird leaves the parent nest as soon as his wings +will bear him safely up, there are but few who stay amongst the friends +at home. + +Next then comes the instruction from books. + +True a book will not fully supply the place either of experience or +friendly advice, still it may be made useful, and, carefully written +from the experience of heads grown gray in society, with only well +authenticated rules, it will be a guide not to be despised by the young +aspirant for favor in polite and refined circles. + +You go into society from mixed motives; partly for pleasure, recreation +after the fatigues of your daily duties, and partly that you may become +known. In a republican country where one man's opportunities for rising +are as good as those of another, ambition will lead every rising man +into society. + +You may set it down as a rule, that as you treat the world, so the world +will treat you. Carry into the circles of society a refined, polished +manner, and an amiable desire to please, and it will meet you with +smiling grace, and lead you forward pleasantly along the flowery paths; +go, on the contrary, with a brusque, rude manner, startling all the +silky softness before you with cut and thrust remarks, carrying only +the hard realities of life in your hand, and you will find society armed +to meet you, showing only sharp corners and thorny places for your +blundering footsteps to stumble against. + +You will find in every circle that etiquette holds some sway; her rule +is despotic in some places, in others mild, and easily set aside. Your +first lesson in society will be to study where she reigns supreme, in +her crown and holding her sceptre, and where she only glides in with a +gentle hint or so, and timidly steps out if rebuked; and let your +conduct be governed by the result of your observations. You will soon +become familiar with the signs, and tell on your first entrance into a +room whether kid gloves and exquisite finish of manner will be +appropriate, or whether it is "hail, fellow, well met" with the inmates. +Remember, however, "once a gentleman always a gentleman," and be sure +that you can so carry out the rule, that in your most careless, joyous +moments, when freest from the restraints of etiquette, you can still be +recognizable as a _gentleman_ by every act, word, or look. + +Avoid too great a restraint of manner. Stiffness is not politeness, and, +while you observe every rule, you may appear to heed none. To make your +politeness part of yourself, inseparable from every action, is the +height of gentlemanly elegance and finish of manner. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + + INTRODUCTION 3 + + CHAPTER I. + + CONVERSATION 11 + + CHAPTER II. + + POLITENESS 31 + + CHAPTER III. + + TABLE ETIQUETTE 50 + + CHAPTER IV. + + ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET 66 + + CHAPTER V. + + ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING 75 + + CHAPTER VI. + + ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM 91 + + CHAPTER VII. + + DRESS 116 + + CHAPTER VIII. + + MANLY EXERCISES 154 + + CHAPTER IX. + + TRAVELING 176 + + CHAPTER X. + + ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH 183 + + CHAPTER XI. + + ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT 186 + + CHAPTER XII. + + PARTIES 222 + + CHAPTER XIII. + + COURTESY AT HOME 228 + + CHAPTER XIV. + + TRUE COURTESY 244 + + CHAPTER XV. + + LETTER WRITING 252 + + CHAPTER XVI. + + WEDDING ETIQUETTE 280 + + CHAPTER XVII. + + ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT 294 + + CHAPTER XVIII. + + MISCELLANEOUS 298 + + + + +GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +CONVERSATION. + + +One of the first rules for a guide in polite conversation, is to avoid +political or religious discussions in general society. Such discussions +lead almost invariably to irritating differences of opinion, often to +open quarrels, and a coolness of feeling which might have been avoided +by dropping the distasteful subject as soon as marked differences of +opinion arose. It is but one out of many that can discuss either +political or religious differences, with candor and judgment, and yet so +far control his language and temper as to avoid either giving or taking +offence. + +In their place, in circles which have met for such discussions, in a +_tete a tete_ conversation, in a small party of gentlemen where each is +ready courteously to listen to the others, politics may be discussed +with perfect propriety, but in the drawing-room, at the dinner-table, or +in the society of ladies, these topics are best avoided. + +If you are drawn into such a discussion without intending to be so, be +careful that your individual opinion does not lead you into language +and actions unbecoming a gentleman. Listen courteously to those whose +opinions do not agree with yours, and _keep your temper_. A man in a +passion ceases to be a gentleman. + +Even if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, yield gracefully, +decline further discussion, or dextrously turn the conversation, but do +not obstinately defend your own opinion until you become angry, or more +excited than is becoming to a gentleman. + +Many there are who, giving their opinion, not as an _opinion_ but as a +_law_, will defend their position by such phrases, as: "Well, if _I_ +were president, or governor, I would," &c.--and while by the warmth of +their argument they prove that they are utterly unable to govern their +own temper, they will endeavor to persuade you that they are perfectly +competent to take charge of the government of the nation. + +Retain, if you will, a fixed political opinion, yet do not parade it +upon all occasions, and, above all, do not endeavor to _force_ others to +agree with you. Listen calmly to their ideas upon the same subjects, and +if you cannot agree, differ politely, and while your opponent may set +you down as a bad politician, let him be obliged to admit that you are a +_gentleman_. + +Wit and vivacity are two highly important ingredients in the +conversation of a man in polite society, yet a straining for effect, or +forced wit, is in excessively bad taste. There is no one more +insupportable in society than the everlasting talkers who scatter puns, +witticisms, and jokes with so profuse a hand that they become as +tiresome as a comic newspaper, and whose loud laugh at their own wit +drowns other voices which might speak matter more interesting. The +really witty man does not shower forth his wit so indiscriminately; his +charm consists in wielding his powerful weapon delicately and easily, +and making each highly polished witticism come in the right place and +moment to be effectual. While real wit is a most delightful gift, and +its use a most charming accomplishment, it is, like many other bright +weapons, dangerous to use too often. You may wound where you meant only +to amuse, and remarks which you mean only in for general applications, +may be construed into personal affronts, so, if you have the gift, use +it wisely, and not too freely. + +The most important requisite for a good conversational power is +education, and, by this is meant, not merely the matter you may store in +your memory from observation or books, though this is of vast +importance, but it also includes the developing of the mental powers, +and, above all, the comprehension. An English writer says, "A man should +be able, in order to enter into conversation, to catch rapidly the +meaning of anything that is advanced; for instance, though you know +nothing of science, you should not be obliged to stare and be silent, +when a man who does understand it is explaining a new discovery or a new +theory; though you have not read a word of Blackstone, your +comprehensive powers should be sufficiently acute to enable you to take +in the statement that may be made of a recent cause; though you may not +have read some particular book, you should be capable of appreciating +the criticism which you hear of it. Without such power--simple enough, +and easily attained by attention and practice, yet too seldom met with +in general society--a conversation which departs from the most ordinary +topics cannot be maintained without the risk of lapsing into a lecture; +with such power, society becomes instructive as well as amusing, and you +have no remorse at an evening's end at having wasted three or four hours +in profitless banter, or simpering platitudes. This facility of +comprehension often startles us in some women, whose education we know +to have been poor, and whose reading is limited. If they did not rapidly +receive your ideas, they could not, therefore, be fit companions for +intellectual men, and it is, perhaps, their consciousness of a +deficiency which leads them to pay the more attention to what you say. +It is this which makes married women so much more agreeable to men of +thought than young ladies, as a rule, can be, for they are accustomed to +the society of a husband, and the effort to be a companion to his mind +has engrafted the habit of attention and ready reply." + +The same author says: "No less important is the cultivation of taste. If +it is tiresome and deadening to be with people who cannot understand, +and will not even appear to be interested in your better thoughts, it is +almost repulsive to find a man insensible to all beauty, and immovable +by any horror. + +"In the present day an acquaintance with art, even if you have no love +for it, is a _sine qua non_ of good society. Music and painting are +subjects which will be discussed in every direction around you. It is +only in bad society that people go to the opera, concerts, and +art-exhibitions merely because it is the fashion, or to say they have +been there; and if you confessed to such a weakness in really good +society, you would be justly voted a puppy. For this, too, some book +knowledge is indispensable. You should at least know the names of the +more celebrated artists, composers, architects, sculptors, and so forth, +and should be able to approximate their several schools. + +"So too, you should know pretty accurately the pronunciation of +celebrated names, or, if not, take care not to use them. It will never +do to be ignorant of the names and approximate ages of great composers, +especially in large cities, where music is so highly appreciated and so +common a theme. It will be decidedly condemnatory if you talk of the +_new_ opera 'Don Giovanni,' or _Rossini's_ 'Trovatore,' or are ignorant +who composed 'Fidelio,' and in what opera occur such common pieces as +'_Ciascun lo dice_,' or '_Il segreto_.' I do not say that these trifles +are indispensable, and when a man has better knowledge to offer, +especially with genius or 'cleverness' to back it, he will not only be +pardoned for an ignorance of them, but can even take a high tone, and +profess indifference or contempt of them. But, at the same time, such +ignorance stamps an ordinary man, and hinders conversation. On the other +hand the best society will not endure dilettantism, and, whatever the +knowledge a man may possess of any art, he must not display it so as to +make the ignorance of others painful to them. But this applies to every +topic. To have only one or two subjects to converse on, and to discourse +rather than talk on them, is always ill-bred, whether the theme be +literature or horseflesh. The gentleman jockey will probably denounce +the former as a 'bore,' and call us pedants for dwelling on it; but if, +as is too often the case, he can give us nothing more general than the +discussion of the 'points' of a horse that, perhaps, we have never seen, +he is as great a pedant in his way. + +"_Reason_ plays a less conspicuous part in good society because its +frequenters are too reasonable to be mere reasoners. A disputation is +always dangerous to temper, and tedious to those who cannot feel as +eager as the disputants; a discussion, on the other hand, in which every +body has a chance of stating amicably and unobtrusively his or her +opinion, must be of frequent occurrence. But to cultivate the reason, +besides its high moral value, has the advantage of enabling one to reply +as well as attend to the opinions of others. Nothing is more tedious or +disheartening than a perpetual, 'Yes, just so,' and nothing more. +Conversation must never be one-sided. Then, again, the reason enables us +to support a fancy or an opinion, when we are asked _why_ we think so. +To reply, 'I don't know, but still I think so,' is silly and tedious. + +"But there is a part of our education so important and so neglected in +our schools and colleges, that it cannot be too highly impressed on the +young man who proposes to enter society. I mean that which we learn +first of all things, yet often have not learned fully when death eases +us of the necessity--the art of speaking our own language. What can +Greek and Latin, French and German be for us in our every-day life, if +we have not acquired this? We are often encouraged to raise a laugh at +Doctor Syntax and the tyranny of Grammar, but we may be certain that +more misunderstandings, and, therefore, more difficulties arise between +men in the commonest intercourse from a want of grammatical precision +than from any other cause. It was once the fashion to neglect grammar, +as it now is with certain people to write illegibly, and, in the days of +Goethe, a man thought himself a genius if he could spell badly. + +"Precision and accuracy must begin in the very outset; and if we neglect +them in grammar, we shall scarcely acquire them in expressing our +thoughts. But since there is no society without interchange of thought, +and since the best society is that in which the best thoughts are +interchanged in the best and most comprehensible manner, it follows that +a proper mode of expressing ourselves is indispensable in good society. + +"The art of expressing one's thoughts neatly and suitably is one which, +in the neglect of rhetoric as a study, we must practice for ourselves. +The commonest thought well put is more useful in a social point of view, +than the most brilliant idea jumbled out. What is well expressed is +easily seized, and therefore readily responded to; the most poetic fancy +may be lost to the hearer, if the language which conveys it is obscure. +Speech is the gift which distinguishes man from animals, and makes +society possible. He has but a poor appreciation of his high privilege +as a human being, who neglects to cultivate, 'God's great gift of +speech.' + +"As I am not writing for men of genius, but for ordinary beings, I am +right to state that an indispensable part of education is a knowledge of +the literature of the English language. But _how_ to read, is, for +society more important than _what_ we read. The man who takes up nothing +but a newspaper, but reads it to _think_, to deduct conclusions from its +premises, and form a judgment on its opinions, is more fitted for +society than he, who having all the current literature and devoting his +whole time to its perusal, swallows it all without digestion. In fact, +the mind must be treated like the body, and however great its appetite, +it will soon fall into bad health if it gorges, but does not ruminate. +At the same time an acquaintance with the best current literature is +necessary to modern society, and it is not sufficient to have read a +book without being able to pass a judgment upon it. Conversation on +literature is impossible, when your respondent can only say, 'Yes. I +like the book, but I really don't know why.' + +"An acquaintance with old English literature is not perhaps +indispensable, but it gives a man great advantage in all kinds of +society, and in some he is at a constant loss without it. The same may +be said of foreign literature, which in the present day is almost as +much discussed as our own; but, on the other hand, an acquaintance with +home and foreign politics, with current history, and subjects of passing +interest, is absolutely necessary; and a person of sufficient +intelligence to join in good society, cannot dispense with his daily +newspaper, his literary journal, and the principal reviews and +magazines. The cheapness of every kind of literature, the facilities of +our well stored circulating libraries, our public reading rooms, and +numerous excellent lectures on every possible subject, leave no excuse +to poor or rich for an ignorance of any of the topics discussed in +intellectual society. You may forget your Latin, Greek, French, German, +and Mathematics, but if you frequent good company, you will never be +allowed to forget that you are a citizen of the world." + +A man of real intelligence and cultivated mind, is generally modest. He +may feel when in every day society, that in intellectual acquirements he +is above those around him; but he will not seek to make his companions +feel their inferiority, nor try to display this advantage over them. He +will discuss with frank simplicity the topics started by others, and +endeavor to avoid starting such as they will not feel inclined to +discuss. All that he says will be marked by politeness and deference to +the feelings and opinions of others. + +La Bruyere says, "The great charm of conversation consists less in the +display of one's own wit and intelligence, than in the power to draw +forth the resources of others; he who leaves you after a long +conversation, pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the +discourse, will be your warmest admirer. Men do not care to admire you, +they wish you to be pleased with them; they do not seek for instruction +or even amusement from your discourse, but they do wish you to be made +acquainted with their talents and powers of conversation; and the true +man of genius will delicately make all who come in contact with him, +feel the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they have appeared to +advantage." + +Having admitted the above to be an incontestable fact, you will also see +that it is as great an accomplishment to listen with an air of interest +and attention, as it is to speak well. + +To be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a good talker, and it +is in the character of listener that you can most readily detect the man +who is accustomed to good society. Nothing is more embarrassing to any +one who is speaking, than to perceive signs of weariness or inattention +in the person whom he addresses. + +Never interrupt any one who is speaking; it is quite as rude to +officiously supply a name or date about which another hesitates, unless +you are asked to do so. Another gross breach of etiquette, is to +anticipate the point of a story which another person is reciting, or to +take it from his lips to finish it in your own language. Some persons +plead as an excuse for this breach of etiquette, that the reciter was +spoiling a good story by a bad manner, but this does not mend the +matter. It is surely rude to give a man to understand that you do not +consider him capable of finishing an anecdote that he has commenced. + +It is ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a long speech from +another person, and quite as rude to look at a watch, read a letter, +flirt the leaves of a book, or in any other action show that you are +tired of the speaker or his subject. + +In a general conversation, never speak when another person is speaking, +and never try by raising your own voice to drown that of another. Never +assume an air of haughtiness, or speak in a dictatorial manner; let your +conversation be always amiable and frank, free from every affectation. + +Put yourself on the same level as the person to whom you speak, and +under penalty of being considered a pedantic idiot, refraining from +explaining any expression or word that you may use. + +Never, unless you are requested to do so, speak of your own business or +profession in society; to confine your conversation entirely to the +subject or pursuit which is your own speciality is low-bred and vulgar. + +Make the subject for conversation suit the company in which you are +placed. Joyous, light conversation will be at times as much out of +place, as a sermon would be at a dancing party. Let your conversation be +grave or gay as suits the time or place. + +In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw from them. +You will surely make one enemy, perhaps two, by taking either side, in +an argument when the speakers have lost their temper. + +Never gesticulate in every day conversation, unless you wish to be +mistaken for a fifth rate comedian. + +Never ask any one who is conversing with you to repeat his words. +Nothing is ruder than to say, "Pardon me, will you repeat that +sentence--I did not hear you at first," and thus imply that your +attention was wandering when he first spoke. + +Never, during a general conversation, endeavor to concentrate the +attention wholly upon yourself. It is quite as rude to enter into +conversation with one of a group, and endeavor to draw him out of the +circle of general conversation to talk with you alone. + +Never listen to the conversation of two persons who have thus withdrawn +from a group. If they are so near you that you cannot avoid hearing +them, you may, with perfect propriety, change your seat. + +Make your own share in conversation as modest and brief as is consistent +with the subject under consideration, and avoid long speeches and +tedious stories. If, however, another, particularly an old man, tells a +long story, or one that is not new to you, listen respectfully until he +has finished, before you speak again. + +Speak of yourself but little. Your friends will find out your virtues +without forcing you to tell them, and you may feel confident that it is +equally unnecessary to expose your faults yourself. + +If you submit to flattery, you must also submit to the imputation of +folly and self-conceit. + +In speaking of your friends, do not compare them, one with another. +Speak of the merits of each one, but do not try to heighten the virtues +of one by contrasting them with the vices of another. + +No matter how absurd are the anecdotes that may be told in your +presence, you must never give any sign of incredulity. They may be true; +and even if false, good breeding forces you to hear them with polite +attention, and the appearance of belief. To show by word or sign any +token of incredulity, is to give the lie to the narrator, and that is an +unpardonable insult. + +Avoid, in conversation all subjects which can injure the absent. A +gentleman will never calumniate or listen to calumny. + +Need I say that no gentleman will ever soil his mouth with an oath. +Above all, to swear in a drawing-room or before ladies is not only +indelicate and vulgar in the extreme, but evinces a shocking ignorance +of the rules of polite society and good breeding. + +For a long time the world has adopted a certain form of speech which is +used in good society, and which changing often, is yet one of the +distinctive marks of a gentleman. A word or even a phrase which has been +used among the most refined circles, will, sometimes, by a sudden freak +of fashion, from being caricatured in a farce or song, or from some +other cause, go entirely out of use. Nothing but habitual intercourse +with people of refinement and education, and mingling in general +society, will teach a gentleman what words to use and what to avoid. Yet +there are some words which are now entirely out of place in a parlor. + +Avoid a declamatory style; some men, before speaking, will wave their +hands as if commanding silence, and, having succeeded in obtaining the +attention of the company, will speak in a tone, and style, perfectly +suitable for the theatre or lecture room, but entirely out of place in a +parlor. Such men entirely defeat the object of society, for they resent +interruption, and, as their talk flows in a constant stream, no one else +can speak without interrupting the pompous idiot who thus endeavors to +engross the entire attention of the circle around him. + +This character will be met with constantly, and generally joins to the +other disagreeable traits an egotism as tiresome as it is ill-bred. + +The wittiest man becomes tedious and ill-bred when he endeavors to +engross entirely the attention of the company in which he should take a +more modest part. + +Avoid set phrases, and use quotations but rarely. They sometimes make a +very piquant addition to conversation, but when they become a constant +habit, they are exceedingly tedious, and in bad taste. + +Avoid pedantry; it is a mark, not of intelligence, but stupidity. + +Speak your own language correctly; at the same time do not be too great +a stickler for formal correctness of phrases. + +Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. To notice by word +or look such errors in those around you, is excessively ill-bred. + +Vulgar language and slang, though in common, unfortunately too common +use, are unbecoming in any one who pretends to be a gentleman. Many of +the words heard now in the parlor and drawing-room, derive their origin +from sources which a gentleman would hesitate to mention before ladies, +yet he will make daily use of the offensive word or phrase. + +If you are a professional or scientific man, avoid the use of technical +terms. They are in bad taste, because many will not understand them. If, +however, you unconsciously use such a term or phrase, do not then commit +the still greater error of explaining its meaning. No one will thank you +for thus implying their ignorance. + +In conversing with a foreigner who speaks imperfect English, listen with +strict attention, yet do not supply a word, or phrase, if he hesitates. +Above all, do not by a word or gesture show impatience if he makes +pauses or blunders. If you understand his language, say so when you +first speak to him; this is not making a display of your own knowledge, +but is a kindness, as a foreigner will be pleased to hear and speak his +own language when in a strange country. + +Be careful in society never to play the part of buffoon, for you will +soon become known as the "funny" man of the party, and no character is +so perilous to your dignity as a gentleman. You lay yourself open to +both censure and ridicule, and you may feel sure that, for every person +who laughs with you, two are laughing at you, and for one who admires +you, two will watch your antics with secret contempt. + +Avoid boasting. To speak of your money, connections, or the luxuries at +your command is in very bad taste. It is quite as ill-bred to boast of +your intimacy with distinguished people. If their names occur naturally +in the course of conversation, it is very well; but to be constantly +quoting, "my friend, Gov. C----," or "my intimate friend, the +president," is pompous and in bad taste. + +While refusing the part of jester yourself, do not, by stiff manners, or +cold, contemptuous looks, endeavor to check the innocent mirth of +others. It is in excessively bad taste to drag in a grave subject of +conversation when pleasant, bantering talk is going on around you. Join +in pleasantly and forget your graver thoughts for the time, and you will +win more popularity than if you chill the merry circle or turn their +innocent gayety to grave discussions. + +When thrown into the society of literary people, do not question them +about their works. To speak in terms of admiration of any work to the +author is in bad taste; but you may give pleasure, if, by a quotation +from their writings, or a happy reference to them, you prove that you +have read and appreciated them. + +It is extremely rude and pedantic, when engaged in general conversation, +to make quotations in a foreign language. + +To use phrases which admit of a double meaning, is ungentlemanly, and, +if addressed to a lady, they become positively insulting. + +If you find you are becoming angry in a conversation, either turn to +another subject or keep silence. You may utter, in the heat of passion, +words which you would never use in a calmer moment, and which you would +bitterly repent when they were once said. + +"Never talk of ropes to a man whose father was hanged" is a vulgar but +popular proverb. Avoid carefully subjects which may be construed into +personalities, and keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, if +you can, seeing the skeleton in your friend's closet, but if it is +paraded for your special benefit, regard it as a sacred confidence, and +never betray your knowledge to a third party. + +If you have traveled, although you will endeavor to improve your mind in +such travel, do not be constantly speaking of your journeyings. Nothing +is more tiresome than a man who commences every phrase with, "When I was +in Paris," or, "In Italy I saw----." + +When asking questions about persons who are not known to you, in a +drawing-room, avoid using adjectives; or you may enquire of a mother, +"Who is that awkward, ugly girl?" and be answered, "Sir, that is my +daughter." + +Avoid gossip; in a woman it is detestable, but in a man it is utterly +despicable. + +Do not officiously offer assistance or advice in general society. Nobody +will thank you for it. + +Ridicule and practical joking are both marks of a vulgar mind and low +breeding. + +Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible in conversation, +but flattery is broad, coarse, and to sensible people, disgusting. If +you flatter your superiors, they will distrust you, thinking you have +some selfish end; if you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking +you have no other conversation. + +A lady of sense will feel more complimented if you converse with her +upon instructive, high subjects, than if you address to her only the +language of compliment. In the latter case she will conclude that you +consider her incapable of discussing higher subjects, and you cannot +expect her to be pleased at being considered merely a silly, vain +person, who must be flattered into good humor. + +Avoid the evil of giving utterance to inflated expressions and remarks +in common conversation. + +It is a somewhat ungrateful task to tell those who would shrink from the +imputation of a falsehood that they are in the daily habit of uttering +untruths; and yet, if I proceed, no other course than this can be taken +by me. It is of no use to adopt half measures; plain speaking saves a +deal of trouble. + +The examples about to be given by me of exaggerated expressions, are +only a few of the many that are constantly in use. Whether you can +acquit yourselves of the charge of occasionally using them, I cannot +tell; but I dare not affirm for myself that I am altogether guiltless. + +"I was caught in the wet last night, the rain came down in torrents." +Most of us have been out in heavy rains; but a torrent of water pouring +down from the skies would a little surprise us, after all. + +"I am wet to the skin, and have not a dry thread upon me." Where these +expressions are once used correctly, they are used twenty times in +opposition to the truth. + +"I tried to overtake him, but in vain; for he ran like lightning." The +celebrated racehorse Eclipse is said to have run a mile in a minute, but +poor Eclipse is left sadly behind by this expression. + +"He kept me standing out in the cold so long, I thought I should have +waited for ever." There is not a particle of probability that such a +thought could have been for one moment entertained. + +"As I came across the common, the wind was as keen as a razor." This is +certainly a very keen remark, but the worst of it is that its keenness +far exceeds its correctness. + +"I went to the meeting, but had hard work to get in; for the place was +crowded to suffocation." In this case, in justice to the veracity of the +relater, it is necessary to suppose that successful means had been used +for his recovery. + +"It must have been a fine sight; I would have given the world to have +seen it." Fond as most of us are of sight-seeing, this would be buying +pleasure at a dear price indeed; but it is an easy thing to proffer to +part with that which we do not possess. + +"It made me quite low spirited; my heart felt as heavy as lead." We most +of us know what a heavy heart is; but lead is by no means the most +correct metaphor to use in speaking of a heavy heart. + +"I could hardly find my way, for the night was as dark as pitch." I am +afraid we have all in our turn calumniated the sky in this manner; pitch +is many shades darker than the darkest night we have ever known. + +"I have told him of that fault fifty times over." Five times would, in +all probability, be much nearer the fact than fifty. + +"I never closed my eyes all night long." If this be true, you acted +unwisely; for had you closed your eyes, you might, perhaps, have fallen +asleep, and enjoyed the blessing of refreshing slumber; if it be not +true, you acted more unwisely still, by stating that as a fact which is +altogether untrue. + +"He is as tall as a church-spire." I have met with some tall fellows in +my time, though the spire of a church is somewhat taller than the +tallest of them. + +"You may buy a fish at the market as big as a jackass, for five +shillings." I certainly have my doubts about this matter; but if it be +really true, the market people must be jackasses indeed to sell such +large fishes for so little money. + +"He was so fat he could hardly come in at the door." Most likely the +difficulty here alluded to was never felt by any one but the relater; +supposing it to be otherwise, the man must have been very broad or the +door very narrow. + +"You don't say so!--why, it was enough to kill him!" The fact that it +did not kill him is a sufficient reply to this unfounded observation; +but no remark can be too absurd for an unbridled tongue. + +Thus might I run on for an hour, and after all leave much unsaid on the +subject of exaggerated expressions. We are hearing continually the +comparisons, "black as soot, white as snow, hot as fire, cold as ice, +sharp as a needle, dull as a door-nail, light as a feather, heavy as +lead, stiff as a poker, and crooked as a crab-tree," in cases where such +expressions are quite out of order. + +The practice of expressing ourselves in this inflated and thoughtless +way, is more mischievous than we are aware of. It certainly leads us to +sacrifice truth; to misrepresent what we mean faithfully to describe; to +whiten our own characters, and sometimes to blacken the reputation of a +neighbor. There is an uprightness in speech as well as in action, that +we ought to strive hard to attain. The purity of truth is sullied, and +the standard of integrity is lowered, by incorrect observations. Let us +reflect upon this matter freely and faithfully. Let us love truth, +follow truth, and practice truth in our thoughts, our words, and our +deeds. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +POLITENESS. + + +Real politeness is the outward expression of the most generous impulses +of the heart. It enforces unselfishness, benevolence, kindness, and the +golden rule, "Do unto others as you would others should do unto you." +Thus its first principle is love for the neighbor, loving him as +yourself. + +When in society it would often be exceedingly difficult to decide how to +treat those who are personally disagreeable to us, if it were not for +the rules of politeness, and the little formalities and points of +etiquette which these rules enforce. These evidences of polite breeding +do not prove hypocrisy, as you may treat your most bitter enemy with +perfect courtesy, and yet make no protestations of friendship. + +If politeness is but a mask, as many philosophers tell us, it is a mask +which will win love and admiration, and is better worn than cast aside. +If you wear it with the sincere desire to give pleasure to others, and +make all the little meetings of life pass off smoothly and agreeably, it +will soon cease to be a mask, but you will find that the manner which +you at first put on to give pleasure, has become natural to you, and +wherever you have assumed a virtue to please others, you will find the +virtue becoming habitual and finally natural, and part of yourself. + +Do not look upon the rules of etiquette as deceptions. They are just as +often vehicles for the expression of sincere feeling, as they are the +mask to conceal a want of it. + +You will in society meet with men who rail against politeness, and call +it deceit and hypocrisy. Watch these men when they have an object to +gain, or are desirous of making a favorable impression, and see them +tacitly, but unconsciously, admit the power of courtesy, by dropping for +the time, their uncouth ways, to affect the politeness, they oftentimes +do not feel. + +Pass over the defects of others, be prudent, discreet, at the proper +time reserved, yet at other times frank, and treat others with the same +gentle courtesy you would wish extended to yourself. + +True politeness never embarrasses any one, because its first object is +to put all at their ease, while it leaves to all perfect freedom of +action. You must meet rudeness from others by perfect politeness and +polish of manner on your own part, and you will thus shame those who +have been uncivil to you. You will more readily make them blush by your +courtesy, than if you met their rudeness by ill manners on your own +part. + +While a favor may be doubled in value, by a frankly courteous manner of +granting it, a refusal will lose half its bitterness if your manner +shows polite regret at your inability to oblige him who asks the favor +at your hand. + +Politeness may be extended to the lowest and meanest, and you will +never by thus extending it detract from your own dignity. A _gentleman_ +may and will treat his washerwoman with respect and courtesy, and his +boot-black with pleasant affability, yet preserve perfectly his own +position. To really merit the name of a polite, finished gentleman, you +must be polite at all times and under all circumstances. + +There is a difference between politeness and etiquette. Real politeness +is in-born, and may exist in the savage, while etiquette is the outward +expression of politeness reduced to the rules current in good society. + +A man may be polite, really so in heart, yet show in every movement an +ignorance of the rules of etiquette, and offend against the laws of +society. You may find him with his elbows upon the table, or tilting his +chair in a parlor. You may see him commit every hour gross breaches of +etiquette, yet you will never hear him intentionally utter one word to +wound another, you will see that he habitually endeavors to make others +comfortable, choosing for them the easiest seats, or the daintiest +dishes, and putting self entirely aside to contribute to the pleasure of +all around him. Such a man will learn, by contact with refined society, +that his ignorance of the rules which govern it, make him, at times, +disagreeable, and from the same unselfish motive which prompts him to +make a sacrifice of comfort for the sake of others, he will watch and +learn quickly, almost by instinct, where he offends against good +breeding, drop one by one his errors in etiquette, and become truly a +gentleman. + +On the other hand, you will meet constantly, in the best society, men +whose polish of manner is exquisite, who will perform to the minutest +point the niceties of good breeding, who never commit the least act that +is forbidden by the strictest rules of etiquette; yet under all this +mask of chivalry, gallantry, and politeness will carry a cold, selfish +heart; will, with a sweet smile, graceful bow, and elegant language, +wound deeply the feelings of others, and while passing in society for +models of courtesy and elegance of manner, be in feeling as cruel and +barbarous as the veriest savage. + +So I would say to you, Cultivate your heart. Cherish there the Christian +graces, love for the neighbor, unselfishness, charity, and gentleness, +and you will be truly a gentleman; add to these the graceful forms of +etiquette, and you then become a _perfect_ gentleman. + +Etiquette exists in every corner of the known world, from the savages in +the wilds of Africa, who dare not, upon penalty of death, approach their +barbarous rulers without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most +refined circles of Europe, where gentle chivalry and a cultivated mind +suggest its rules. It has existed in all ages, and the stringency of its +laws in some countries has given rise to both ludicrous and tragic +incidents. + +In countries where royalty rules the etiquette, it often happens that +pride will blind those who make the rules, and the results are often +fatal. Believing that the same deference which their rank authorized +them to demand, was also due to them as individuals, the result of such +an idea was an etiquette as vain and useless as it was absurd. + +For an example I will give an anecdote: + +"The kings of Spain, the proudest and vainest of all kings of the +earth, made a rule of etiquette as stupid as it was useless. It was a +fault punishable by death to touch the foot of the queen, and the +individual who thus offended, no matter under what circumstances, was +executed immediately. + +"A young queen of Spain, wife of Charles the Second, was riding on +horseback in the midst of her attendants. Suddenly the horse reared and +threw the queen from the saddle. Her foot remained in the stirrup, and +she was dragged along the ground. An immense crowd stood looking at this +spectacle, but no one dared, for his life, to attempt to rescue the poor +woman. She would have died, had not two young French officers, ignorant +of the stupid law which paralyzed the Spaniards, sprung forward and +saved her. One stopped the horse, and whilst he held the bridle, his +companion disengaged from its painful position the foot of the young +queen, who was, by this time, insensible from fear and the bruises which +she had already received. They were instantly arrested, and while the +queen was carried on a litter to the palace, her young champions were +marched off, accompanied by a strong guard, to prison. The next day, +sick and feeble, the queen was obliged to leave her bed, and on her +knees before the king, plead for the pardon of the two Frenchmen; and +her prayer was only granted upon condition that the audacious foreigners +left Spain immediately." + +There is no country in the world where the absurdities of etiquette are +carried to so great a length as in Spain, because there is no nation +where the nobility are so proud. The following anecdote, which +illustrates this, would seem incredible were it not a historical fact: + +"Philip the Third, king of Spain, was sick, and being able to sit up, +was carefully placed in an arm chair which stood opposite to a large +fire, when the wood was piled up to an enormous height. The heat soon +became intolerable, and the courtiers retired from around the king; but, +as the Duke D'Ussede, the fire stirrer for the king, was not present, +and as no one else had the right to touch the fire, those present dared +not attempt to diminish the heat. The grand chamberlain was also absent, +and he alone was authorized to touch the king's footstool. The poor +king, too ill to rise, in vain implored those around him to move his +chair, no one dared touch it, and when the grand chamberlain arrived, +the king had fainted with the heat, and a few days later he died, +literally roasted to death." + +At almost all times, and in almost all places, good breeding may be +shown; and we think a good service will be done by pointing out a few +plain and simple instances in which it stands opposed to habits and +manners, which, though improper and disagreeable, are not very uncommon. + +In the familiar intercourse of society, a well-bred _man_ will be known +by the delicacy and deference with which he behaves towards females. +That man would deservedly be looked upon as very deficient in proper +respect and feeling, who should take any physical advantage of one of +the weaker sex, or offer any personal slight towards her. Woman looks, +and properly looks, for protection to man. It is the province of the +husband to shield the wife from injury; of the father to protect the +daughter; the brother has the same duty to perform towards the sister; +and, in general, every man should, in this sense, be the champion and +the lover of every woman. Not only should he be ready to protect, but +desirous to please, and willing to sacrifice much of his own personal +ease and comfort, if, by doing so, he can increase those of any female +in whose company he may find himself. Putting these principles into +practice, a well-bred man, in his own house, will be kind and respectful +in his behaviour to every female of the family. He will not use towards +them harsh language, even if called upon to express dissatisfaction with +their conduct. In conversation, he will abstain from every allusion +which would put modesty to the blush. He will, as much as in his power, +lighten their labors by cheerful and voluntary assistance. He will yield +to them every little advantage which may occur in the regular routine of +domestic life:--the most comfortable seat, if there be a difference; the +warmest position by the winter's fireside; the nicest slice from the +family joint, and so on. + +In a public assembly of any kind, a well-bred man will pay regard to the +feelings and wishes of the females by whom he is surrounded. He will not +secure the best seat for himself, and leave the women folk to take care +of themselves. He will not be seated at all, if the meeting be crowded, +and a single female appear unaccommodated. + +Good breeding will keep a person from making loud and startling noises, +from pushing past another in entering or going out of a room; from +ostentatiously using a pocket-handkerchief; from hawking and spitting +in company; from fidgeting any part of the body; from scratching the +head, or picking the teeth with fork or with finger. In short, it will +direct all who study its rules to abstain from every personal act which +may give pain or offence to another's feelings. At the same time, it +will enable them to bear much without taking offence. It will teach them +when to speak and when to be silent, and how to behave with due respect +to all. By attention to the rules of good breeding, and more especially +to its leading principles, "the poorest man will be entitled to the +character of a gentleman, and by inattention to them, the most wealthy +person will be essentially vulgar. Vulgarity signifies coarseness or +indelicacy of manner, and is not necessarily associated with poverty or +lowliness of condition. Thus an operative artizan may be a gentleman, +and worthy of our particular esteem; while an opulent merchant may be +only a vulgar clown, with whom it is impossible to be on terms of +friendly intercourse." + +The following remarks upon the "Character of a Gentleman" by Brooke are +so admirable that I need make no apology for quoting them entire. He +says; "There is no term, in our language, more common than that of +'Gentleman;' and, whenever it is heard, all agree in the general idea of +a man some way elevated above the vulgar. Yet, perhaps, no two living +are precisely agreed respecting the qualities they think requisite for +constituting this character. When we hear the epithets of a 'fine +Gentleman,' 'a pretty Gentleman,' 'much of a Gentleman,' 'Gentlemanlike,' +'something of a Gentleman,' 'nothing of a Gentleman,' and so forth; all +these different appellations must intend a peculiarity annexed to the +ideas of those who express them; though no two of them, as I said, may +agree in the constituent qualities of the character they have formed in +their own mind. There have been ladies who deemed fashionable dress a +very capital ingredient in the composition of--a Gentleman. A certain +easy impudence acquired by low people, by casually being conversant in +high life, has passed a man current through many companies for--a +Gentleman. In taverns and brothels, he who is the most of a bully is the +most of--a Gentleman. And the highwayman, in his manner of taking your +purse, may however be allowed to have--much of the Gentleman. Plato, +among the philosophers, was 'the most of a man of fashion;' and therefore +allowed, at the court of Syracuse, to be--the most of a Gentleman. But +seriously, I apprehend that this character is pretty much upon the +modern. In all ancient or dead languages we have no term, any way +adequate, whereby we may express it. In the habits, manners, and +characters of old Sparta and old Rome, we find an antipathy to all the +elements of modern gentility. Among these rude and unpolished people, +you read of philosophers, of orators, of patriots, heroes, and demigods; +but you never hear of any character so elegant as that of--a pretty +Gentleman. + +"When those nations, however, became refined into what their ancestors +would have called corruption; when luxury introduced, and fashion gave a +sanction to certain sciences, which Cynics would have branded with the +ill mannered appellations of drunkenness, gambling, cheating, lying, +&c.; the practitioners assumed the new title of Gentlemen, till such +Gentlemen became as plenteous as stars in the milky-way, and lost +distinction merely by the confluence of their lustre. Wherefore as the +said qualities were found to be of ready acquisition, and of easy +descent to the populace from their betters, ambition judged it necessary +to add further marks and criterions for severing the general herd from +the nobler species--of Gentlemen. + +"Accordingly, if the commonalty were observed to have a propensity to +religion, their superiors affected a disdain of such vulgar prejudices; +and a freedom that cast off the restraints of morality, and a courage +that spurned at the fear of a God, were accounted the distinguishing +characteristics--of a Gentleman. + +"If the populace, as in China, were industrious and ingenious, the +grandees, by the length of their nails and the cramping of their limbs, +gave evidence that true dignity was above labor and utility, and that to +be born to no end was the prerogative--of a Gentleman. + +"If the common sort, by their conduct, declared a respect for the +institutions of civil society and good government; their betters +despised such pusillanimous conformity, and the magistrates paid +becoming regard to the distinction, and allowed of the superior +liberties and privileges--of a Gentleman. + +"If the lower set show a sense of common honesty and common order; those +who would figure in the world, think it incumbent to demonstrate that +complaisance to inferiors, common manners, common equity, or any thing +common, is quite beneath the attention or sphere--of a Gentleman. + +"Now, as underlings are ever ambitious of imitating and usurping the +manners of their superiors; and as this state of mortality is incident +to perpetual change and revolution, it may happen, that when the +populace, by encroaching on the province of gentility, have arrived to +their _ne plus ultra_ of insolence, irreligion, &c.; the gentry, in +order to be again distinguished, may assume the station that their +inferiors had forsaken, and, however ridiculous the supposition may +appear at present, humanity, equity, utility, complaisance, and piety, +may in time come to be the distinguishing characteristics--of a +Gentleman. + +"It appears that the most general idea which people have formed of a +Gentleman, is that of a person of fortune above the vulgar, and +embellished by manners that are fashionable in high life. In this case, +fortune and fashion are the two constituent ingredients in the +composition of modern Gentlemen; for whatever the fashion may be, +whether moral or immoral, for or against reason, right or wrong, it is +equally the duty of a Gentleman to conform. And yet I apprehend, that +true gentility is altogether independent of fortune or fashion, of time, +customs, or opinions of any kind. The very same qualities that +constituted a gentleman, in the first age of the world, are permanently, +invariably, and indispensably necessary to the constitution of the same +character to the end of time. + +"Hector was the finest gentleman of whom we read in history, and Don +Quixote the finest gentleman we read of in romance; as was instanced +from the tenor of their principles and actions. + +"Some time after the battle of Cressy, Edward the Third of England, and +Edward the Black Prince, the more than heir of his father's renown, +pressed John King of France to indulge them with the pleasure of his +company at London. John was desirous of embracing the invitation, and +accordingly laid the proposal before his parliament at Paris. The +parliament objected, that the invitation had been made with an insidious +design of seizing his person, thereby to make the cheaper and easier +acquisition of the crown, to which Edward at that time pretended. But +John replied, with some warmth, that he was confident his brother +Edward, and more especially his young cousin, were too much of the +GENTLEMAN, to treat him in that manner. He did not say too much of the +king, of the hero, or of the saint, but too much of the GENTLEMAN to be +guilty of any baseness. + +"The sequel verified this opinion. At the battle of Poictiers King John +was made prisoner, and soon after conducted by the Black Prince to +England. The prince entered London in triumph, amid the throng and +acclamations of millions of the people. But then this rather appeared to +be the triumph of the French king than that of his conqueror. John was +seated on a proud steed, royally robed, and attended by a numerous and +gorgeous train of the British nobility; while his conqueror endeavored, +as much as possible, to disappear, and rode by his side in plain attire, +and degradingly seated on a little Irish hobby. + +"As Aristotle and the Critics derived their rules for epic poetry and +the sublime from a poem which Homer had written long before the rules +were formed, or laws established for the purpose: thus, from the +demeanor and innate principles of particular gentlemen, art has borrowed +and instituted the many modes of behaviour, which the world has adopted, +under the title of good manners. + +"One quality of a gentleman is that of charity to the poor; and this is +delicately instanced in the account which Don Quixote gives, to his fast +friend Sancho Pancha, of the valorous but yet more pious knight-errant +Saint Martin. On a day, said the Don, Saint Martin met a poor man half +naked, and taking his cloak from his shoulders, he divided, and gave him +the one half. Now, tell me at what time of the year this happened. Was I +a witness? quoth, Sancho; how the vengeance should I know in what year +or what time of the year it happened? Hadst thou Sancho, rejoined the +knight, anything within thee of the sentiment of Saint Martin, thou must +assuredly have known that this happened in winter; for, had it been +summer, Saint Martin would had given the whole cloak. + +"Another characteristic of the true gentleman, is a delicacy of +behaviour toward that sex whom nature has entitled to the protection, +and consequently entitled to the tenderness, of man. + +"The same gentleman-errant, entering into a wood on a summer's evening, +found himself entangled among nets of green thread that, here and there, +hung from tree to tree; and conceiving it some matter of purposed +conjuration, pushed valorously forward to break through the enchantment. +Hereupon some beautiful shepherdesses interposed with a cry, and +besought him to spare the implements of their innocent recreation. The +knight, surprised and charmed by the vision, replied,--Fair creatures! +my province is to protect, not to injure; to seek all means of service, +but never of offence, more especially to any of your sex and apparent +excellences. Your pretty nets take up but a small piece of favored +ground; but, did they inclose the world, I would seek out new worlds, +whereby I might win a passage, rather than break them. + +"Two very lovely but shamefaced girls had a cause, of some consequence, +depending at Westminster, that indispensably required their personal +appearance. They were relations of Sir Joseph Jeckel, and, on this +tremendous occasion, requested his company and countenance at the court. +Sir Joseph attended accordingly; and the cause being opened, the judge +demanded whether he was to entitle those ladies by the denomination of +spinsters. 'No, my Lord,' said Sir Joseph; 'they are lilies of the +valley, they toil not, neither do they spin, yet you see that no +monarch, in all his glory, was ever arrayed like one of these.' + +"Another very peculiar characteristic of a gentleman is, the giving +place and yielding to all with whom he has to do. Of this we have a +shining and affecting instance in Abraham, perhaps the most accomplished +character that may be found in history, whether sacred or profane. A +contention had arisen between the herdsmen of Abraham and the herdsmen +of his nephew, Lot, respecting the propriety of the pasture of the +lands wherein they dwelled, that could now scarce contain the abundance +of their cattle. And those servants, as is universally the case, had +respectively endeavored to kindle and inflame their masters with their +own passions. When Abraham, in consequence of this, perceived that the +countenance of Lot began to change toward him, he called, and generously +expostulated with him as followeth: 'Let there be no strife, I pray +thee, between me and thee, or between my herdsmen and thy herdsmen; for +we be brethren. If it be thy desire to separate thyself from me, is not +the whole land before thee? If thou wilt take the left hand, then will I +go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to +the left.' + +"Another capital quality of the true gentleman is, that of feeling +himself concerned and interested in others. Never was there so +benevolent, so affecting, so pathetic a piece of oratory exhibited upon +earth, as that of Abraham's pleading with God for averting the judgments +that then impended over Sodom. But the matter is already so generally +celebrated, that I am constrained to refer my reader to the passage at +full; since the smallest abridgment must deduct from its beauties, and +that nothing can be added to the excellences thereof. + +"Honor, again, is said, in Scripture, peculiarly to distinguish the +character of a gentleman; where it is written of Sechem, the son of +Hamor, 'that he was more honorable than all the house of his father.' + +"From hence it may be inferred, that human excellence, or human +amiableness, doth not so much consist in a freedom from frailty as in +our recovery from lapses, our detestation of our own transgressions, +and our desire of atoning, by all possible means, the injuries we have +done, and the offences we have given. Herein, therefore, may consist the +very singular distinction which the great apostle makes between his +estimation of a just and of a good man. 'For a just or righteous man,' +says he, 'one would grudge to die; but for a good man one would even +dare to die.' Here the just man is supposed to adhere strictly to the +rule of right or equity, and to exact from others the same measure that +he is satisfied to mete; but the good man, though occasionally he may +fall short of justice, has, properly speaking, no measure to his +benevolence, his general propensity is to give more than the due. The +just man condemns, and is desirous of punishing the transgressors of the +line prescribed to himself; but the good man, in the sense of his own +falls and failings, gives latitude, indulgence, and pardon to others; he +judges, he condemns no one save himself. The just man is a stream that +deviates not to the right or left from its appointed channel, neither is +swelled by the flood of passion above its banks; but the heart of the +good man, the man of honor, the gentleman, is as a lamp lighted by the +breath of GOD, and none save GOD himself can set limits to the efflux or +irradiations thereof. + +"Again, the gentleman never envies any superior excellence, but grows +himself more excellent, by being the admirer, promoter, and lover +thereof. Saul said to his son Jonathan, 'Thou son of the perverse, +rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse +to thine own confusion? For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the +ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom; wherefore send +and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.' Here every interesting +motive that can possibly be conceived to have an influence on man, +united to urge Jonathan to the destruction of David; he would thereby +have obeyed his king, and pacified a father who was enraged against him. +He would thereby have removed the only luminary that then eclipsed the +brightness of his own achievements. And he saw, as his father said, that +the death of David alone could establish the kingdom in himself and his +posterity. But all those considerations were of no avail to make +Jonathan swerve from honor, to slacken the bands of his faith, or cool +the warmth of his friendship. O Jonathan! the sacrifice which thou then +madest to virtue, was incomparably more illustrious in the sight of God +and his angels than all the subsequent glories to which David attained. +What a crown was thine, 'Jonathan, when thou wast slain in thy high +places!' + +"Saul of Tarsus had been a man of bigotry, blood, and violence; making +havoc, and breathing out threatenings and slaughter, against all who +were not of his own sect and persuasion. But, when the spirit of that +INFANT, who laid himself in the manger of human flesh, came upon him, he +acquired a new heart and a new nature; and he offered himself a willing +subject to all the sufferings and persecutions which he had brought upon +others. + +"Saul from that time, exemplified in his own person, all those qualities +of the gentleman, which he afterwards specifies in his celebrated +description of that charity, which, as he says, alone endureth forever. +When Festus cried with a loud voice, 'Paul, thou art beside thyself, +much learning doth make thee mad;' Paul stretched the hand, and +answered, 'I am not mad, most noble Festus, but speak forth the words of +truth and soberness. For the king knoweth of these things, before whom +also I speak freely; for I am persuaded that none of these things are +hidden from him. King Agrippa, believest thou the prophets? I know that +thou believest.' Then Agrippa said unto Paul, 'Almost thou persuadest me +to be a Christian.' And Paul said, 'I would to God that not only thou, +but also all that hear me this day, were not only almost but altogether +such as I am,--except these bonds.' Here, with what an inimitable +elegance did this man, in his own person, at once sum up the orator, the +saint, and the gentleman! + +"From these instances, my friend, you must have seen that the character, +or rather quality of a GENTLEMAN, does not, in any degree, depend on +fashion or mode, on station or opinion; neither changes with customs, +climate, or ages. But, as the Spirit of God can alone inspire it into +man, so it is, as God is the same, yesterday, to-day, and forever." + +In concluding this chapter I would say: + +"In the common actions and transactions of life, there is a wide +distinction between the well-bred and the ill-bred. If a person of the +latter sort be in a superior condition in life, his conduct towards +those below him, or dependent upon him, is marked by haughtiness, or by +unmannerly condescension. In the company of his equals in station and +circumstances, an ill-bred man is either captious and quarrelsome, or +offensively familiar. He does not consider that: + + 'The man who hails you Tom or Jack, + And proves, by thumps upon your back, + How he esteems your merit, + Is such a friend, that one had need + Be very much a friend indeed, + To pardon or to bear it.' + +"And if a man void of good breeding have to transact business with a +superior in wealth or situation, it is more than likely that he will be +needlessly humble, unintentionally insolent, or, at any rate, miserably +embarrassed. On the contrary, a well-bred person will instinctively +avoid all these errors. 'To inferiors, he will speak kindly and +considerately, so as to relieve them from any feeling of being beneath +him in circumstances. To equals, he will be plain, unaffected, and +courteous. To superiors, he will know how to show becoming respect, +without descending to subserviency or meanness. In short, he will act a +manly, inoffensive, and agreeable part, in all the situations in life in +which he may be placed.'" + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +TABLE ETIQUETTE. + + +It may seem a very simple thing to eat your meals, yet there is no +occasion upon which the gentleman, and the low-bred, vulgar man are more +strongly contrasted, than when at the table. The rules I shall give for +table etiquette when in company will apply equally well for the home +circle, with the exception of some few points, readily discernible, +which may be omitted at your own table. + +A well-bred man, receiving an invitation to dine with a friend should +reply to it immediately, whether he accepts or declines it. + +He should be punctual to the hour named in the invitation, five or ten +minutes earlier if convenient, but not one instant later. He must never, +unless he has previously asked permission to do so, take with him any +friend not named in his invitation. His host and hostess have the +privilege of inviting whom they will, and it is an impertinence to force +them to extend their hospitality, as they must do if you introduce a +friend at their own house. + +Speak, on entering the parlor of your friend, first to the hostess, then +to the host. + +When dinner is announced, the host or hostess will give the signal for +leaving the drawing-room, and you will probably be requested to escort +one of the ladies to the table. Offer to her your left arm, and at the +table wait until she is seated, indeed wait until every lady is seated, +before taking your own place. + +In leaving the parlor you will pass out first, and the lady will follow +you, still holding your arm. At the door of the dining-room, the lady +will drop your arm. Pass in, then wait on one side of the entrance till +she passes you, to her place at the table. + +If there are no ladies, you may go to the table with any gentleman who +stands near you, or with whom you may be conversing when dinner is +announced. If your companion is older than yourself, extend to him the +same courtesy which you would use towards a lady. + +There are a thousand little points to be observed in your conduct at +table which, while they are not absolutely necessary, are yet +distinctive marks of a well-bred man. + +If, when at home, you practice habitually the courtesies of the table, +they will sit upon you easily when abroad; but if you neglect them at +home, you will use them awkwardly when in company, and you will find +yourself recognized as a man who has "company manners," only when +abroad. + +I have seen men who eat soup, or chewed their food, in so noisy a manner +as to be heard from one end of the table to the other; fill their mouths +so full of food, as to threaten suffocation or choking; use their own +knife for the butter, and salt; put their fingers in the sugar bowl; and +commit other faults quite as monstrous, yet seem perfectly unconscious +that they were doing anything to attract attention. + +Try to sit easily and gracefully, but at the same time avoid crowding +those beside you. + +Far from eating with avidity of whatever delicacies which may be upon +the table, and which are often served in small quantities, partake of +them but sparingly, and decline them when offered the second time. + +Many men at their own table have little peculiar notions, which a guest +does well to respect. Some will feel hurt, even offended, if you decline +a dish which they recommend; while others expect you to eat enormously, +as if they feared you did not appreciate their hospitality unless you +tasted of every dish upon the table. Try to pay respect to such whims at +the table of others, but avoid having any such notions when presiding +over your own board. + +Observe a strict sobriety; never drink of more than one kind of wine, +and partake of that sparingly. + +The style of serving dinner is different at different houses; if there +are many servants they will bring you your plate filled, and you must +keep it. If you have the care of a lady, see that she has what she +desires, before you give your own order to the waiter; but if there are +but few domestics, and the dishes are upon the table, you may with +perfect propriety help those near you, from any dish within your reach. + +If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, especially if you +have chosen the food upon it, for others have also a choice, and by +passing it, you may give your neighbor dishes distasteful to him, and +take yourself those which he would much prefer. + +If in the leaves of your salad, or in a plate of fruit you find a worm +or insect, pass your plate to the waiter, without any comment, and he +will bring you another. + +Be careful to avoid the extremes of gluttony or over daintiness at +table. To eat enormously is disgusting; but if you eat too sparingly, +your host may think that you despise his fare. + +Watch that the lady whom you escorted to the table is well helped. Lift +and change her plate for her, pass her bread, salt, and butter, give her +orders to the waiter, and pay her every attention in your power. + +Before taking your place at table, wait until your place is pointed out +to you, unless there are cards bearing the names of the guests upon the +plates; in the latter case, take the place thus marked for you. + +Put your napkin upon your lap, covering your knees. It is out of date, +and now looked upon as a vulgar habit to put your napkin up over your +breast. + +Sit neither too near nor too far from the table. Never hitch up your +coat-sleeves or wristbands as if you were going to wash your hands. Some +men do this habitually, but it is a sign of very bad breeding. + +Never tip your chair, or lounge back in it during dinner. + +All gesticulations are out of place, and in bad taste at the table. +Avoid making them. + +Converse in a low tone to your neighbor, yet not with any air of secresy +if others are engaged in _tete-a-tete_ conversation; if, however, the +conversation is general, avoid conversing _tete-a-tete_. Do not raise +your voice too much; if you cannot make those at some distance from you +hear you when speaking in a moderate tone, confine your remarks to those +near you. + +If you wish for a knife, plate, or anything from the side table, never +address those in attendance as "Waiter!" as you would at a hotel or +_restaurant_, but call one of them by name; if you cannot do this, make +him a sign without speaking. + +Unless you are requested to do so, never select any particular part of a +dish; but, if your host asks you what part you prefer, name some part, +as in this case the incivility would consist in making your host choose +as well as carve for you. + +Never blow your soup if it is too hot, but wait until it cools. Never +raise your plate to your lips, but eat with your spoon. + +Never touch either your knife or your fork until after you have finished +eating your soup. Leave your spoon in your soup plate, that the servant +may remove them both. Never take soup twice. + +In changing your plate, or passing it during dinner, remove your knife +and fork, that the plate _alone_ may be taken, but after you have +finished your dinner, cross the knife and fork on the plate, that the +servant may take all away, before bringing you clean ones for dessert. + +Do not bite your bread from the roll or slice, nor cut it with your +knife; break off small pieces and put these in your mouth with your +fingers. + +At dinner do not put butter on your bread. Never dip a piece of bread +into the gravy or preserves upon your plate and then bite it, but if +you wish to eat them together, break the bread into small pieces, and +carry these to your mouth with your fork. + +Use always the salt-spoon, sugar-tongs, and butter knife; to use your +own knife, spoon, or fingers, evinces a shocking want of good-breeding. + +Never criticize any dish before you. + +If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no remarks about +it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain at a table how one article +makes you sick, or why some other dish has become distasteful to you. I +have seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, +because one of the company told a most disgusting anecdote about finding +vermin served in a similar dish. No wit in the narration can excuse so +palpably an error of politeness. + +Never put bones, or the seeds of fruit upon the tablecloth. Put them +upon the edge of your plate. + +Never use your knife for any purpose but to _cut_ your food. It is not +meant to be put in your mouth. Your fork is intended to carry the food +from your plate to your mouth, and no gentleman ever eats with his +knife. + +If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too well-done, do not +eat it; give for an excuse that you prefer some other dish before you; +but never tell your host that his cook has made the dish uneatable. + +Never speak when you have anything in your mouth. Never pile the food on +your plate as if you were starving, but take a little at a time; the +dishes will not run away. + +Never use your own knife and fork to help either yourself or others. +There is always one before the dish at every well-served table, and you +should use that. + +It is a good plan to accustom yourself to using your fork with the left +hand, when eating, as you thus avoid the awkwardness of constantly +passing the fork from your left hand to your right, and back again, when +cutting your food and eating it. + +Never put fruit or bon-bons in your pocket to carry them from the table. + +Do not cut fruit with a steel knife. Use a silver one. + +Never eat so fast as to hurry the others at the table, nor so slowly as +to keep them waiting. + +If you do not take wine, never keep the bottle standing before you, but +pass it on. If you do take it, pass it on as soon as you have filled +your glass. + +If you wish to remove a fish bone or fruit seed from your mouth, cover +your lips with your hand or napkin, that others may not see you remove +it. + +If you wish to use your handkerchief, and have not time to leave the +table, turn your head away, and as quickly as possible put the +handkerchief in your pocket again. + +Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing is more ill-bred than +to grease your glass with your lips. + +If you are invited to drink with a friend, and do not drink wine, bow, +raise your glass of water and drink with him. + +Do not propose to take wine with your host; it is his privilege to +invite you. + +Do not put your glass upside down on the table to signify that you do +not wish to drink any more; it is sufficient to refuse firmly. Do not be +persuaded to touch another drop of wine after your own prudence warns +you that you have taken enough. + +Avoid any air of mystery when speaking to those next you; it is ill-bred +and in excessively bad taste. + +If you wish to speak of any one, or to any one at the table, call them +by name, but never point or make a signal when at table. + +When taking coffee, never pour it into your saucer, but let it cool in +the cup, and drink from that. + +If at a gentleman's party, never ask any one to sing or tell a story; +your host alone has the right thus to call upon his guests. + +If invited yourself to sing, and you feel sufficiently sure that you +will give pleasure, comply immediately with the request. + +If, however, you refuse, remain firm in your refusal, as to yield after +once refusing is a breach of etiquette. + +When the finger-glasses are passed, dip your fingers into them and then +wipe them upon your napkin. + +Never leave the table till the mistress of the house gives the signal. + +On leaving the table put your napkin on the table, but do not fold it. + +Offer your arm to the lady whom you escorted to the table. + +It is excessively rude to leave the house as soon as dinner is over. +Respect to your hostess obliges you to stay in the drawing-room at least +an hour. + +If the ladies withdraw, leaving the gentlemen, after dinner, rise when +they leave the table, and remain standing until they have left the room. + +I give, from a recent English work, some humorously written directions +for table etiquette, and, although they are some of them repetitions of +what I have already given, they will be found to contain many useful +hints: + +"We now come to habits at table, which are very important. However +agreeable a man may be in society, if he offends or disgusts by his +table traits, he will soon be scouted from it, and justly so. There are +some broad rules for behavior at table. Whenever there is a servant to +help you, never help yourself. Never put a knife into your mouth, not +even with cheese, which should be eaten with a fork. Never use a spoon +for anything but liquids. Never touch anything edible with your fingers. + +"Forks were, undoubtedly, a later invention than fingers, but, as we are +not cannibals, I am inclined to think they were a good one. There are +some few things which you may take up with your fingers. Thus an epicure +will eat even macaroni with his fingers; and as sucking asparagus is +more pleasant than chewing it, you may, as an epicure, take it up _au +naturel_. But both these things are generally eaten with a fork. Bread +is, of course, eaten with the fingers, and it would be absurd to carve +it with your knife and fork. It must, on the contrary, always be broken +when not buttered, and you should never put a slice of dry bread to your +mouth to bite a piece off. Most fresh fruit, too, is eaten with the +natural prongs, but when you have peeled an orange or apple, you should +cut it with the aid of the fork, unless you can succeed in breaking it. +Apropos of which, I may hint that no epicure ever yet put a knife to an +apple, and that an orange should be peeled with a spoon. But the art of +peeling an orange so as to hold its own juice, and its own sugar too, is +one that can scarcely be taught in a book. + +"However, let us go to dinner, and I will soon tell you whether you are +a well-bred man or not; and here let me premise that what is good +manners for a small dinner is good manners for a large one, and _vice +versa_. Now, the first thing you do is to sit down. Stop, sir! pray do +not cram yourself into the table in that way; no, nor sit a yard from +it, like that. How graceless, inconvenient, and in the way of +conversation! Why, dear me! you are positively putting your elbows on +the table, and now you have got your hands fumbling about with the +spoons and forks, and now you are nearly knocking my new hock glasses +over. Can't you take your hands down, sir? Didn't you learn that in the +nursery? Didn't your mamma say to you, 'Never put your hands above the +table except to carve or eat?' Oh! but come, no nonsense, sit up, if you +please. I can't have your fine head of hair forming a side dish on my +table; you must not bury your face in the plate, you came to show it, +and it ought to be alive. Well, but there is no occasion to throw your +head back like that, you look like an alderman, sir, _after_ dinner. +Pray, don't lounge in that sleepy way. You are here to eat, drink, and +be merry. You can sleep when you get home. + +"Well, then, I suppose you can see your napkin. Got none, indeed! Very +likely, in _my_ house. You may be sure that I never sit down to a meal +without napkins. I don't want to make my tablecloths unfit for use, and +I don't want to make my trousers unwearable. Well, now, we are all +seated, you can unfold it on your knees; no, no; don't tuck it into your +waistcoat like an alderman; and what! what on earth do you mean by +wiping your forehead with it? Do you take it for a towel? Well, never +mind, I am consoled that you did not go farther, and use it as a +pocket-handkerchief. So talk away to the lady on your right, and wait +till soup is handed to you. By the way, that waiting is the most +important part of table manners, and, as much as possible, you should +avoid asking for anything or helping yourself from the table. Your soup +you eat with a spoon--I don't know what else you _could_ eat it +with--but then it must be one of good size. Yes, that will do, but I beg +you will not make that odious noise in drinking your soup. It is louder +than a dog lapping water, and a cat would be quite genteel to it. Then +you need not scrape up the plate in that way, nor even tilt it to get +the last drop. I shall be happy to send you some more; but I must just +remark, that it is not the custom to take two helpings of soup, and it +is liable to keep other people waiting, which, once for all, is a +selfish and intolerable habit. But don't you hear the servant offering +you sherry? I wish you would attend, for my servants have quite enough +to do, and can't wait all the evening while you finish that very mild +story to Miss Goggles. Come, leave that decanter alone. I had the wine +put on the table to fill up; the servants will hand it directly, or, as +we are a small party, I will tell you to help yourself; but, pray, do +not be so officious. (There, I have sent him some turbot to keep him +quiet. I declare he cannot make up his mind.) You are keeping my servant +again, sir. Will you, or will you not, do turbot? Don't examine it in +that way; it is quite fresh, I assure you; take or decline it. Ah, you +take it, but that is no reason why you should take up a knife too. Fish, +I repeat must never be touched with a knife. Take a fork in the right +and a small piece of bread in the left hand. Good, but--? Oh! that is +atrocious; of course you must not swallow the bones, but you should +rather do so than spit them out in that way. Put up your napkin like +this, and land the said bone on your plate. Don't rub your head in the +sauce, my good man, nor go progging about after the shrimps or oysters +therein. Oh! how horrid! I declare your mouth was wide open and full of +fish. Small pieces, I beseech you; and once for all, whatever you eat, +keep your mouth _shut_, and never attempt to talk with it full. + +"So now you have got a pate. Surely you are not taking two on your +plate. There is plenty of dinner to come, and one is quite enough. Oh! +dear me, you are incorrigible. What! a knife to cut that light, brittle +pastry? No, nor fingers, never. Nor a spoon--almost as bad. Take your +fork, sir, your fork; and, now you have eaten, oblige me by wiping your +mouth and moustache with your napkin, for there is a bit of the pastry +hanging to the latter, and looking very disagreeable. Well, you can +refuse a dish if you like. There is no positive necessity for you to +take venison if you don't want it. But, at any rate, do not be in that +terrific hurry. You are not going off by the next train. Wait for the +sauce and wait for vegetables; but whether you eat them or not, do not +begin before everybody else. Surely you must take my table for that of a +railway refreshment-room, for you have finished before the person I +helped first. Fast eating is bad for the digestion, my good sir, and not +very good manners either. What! are you trying to eat meat with a fork +alone? Oh! it is sweetbread, I beg your pardon, you are quite right. Let +me give you a rule,--Everything that can be cut without a knife, should +be cut with a fork alone. Eat your vegetables, therefore, with a fork. +No, there is no necessity to take a spoon for peas; a fork in the right +hand will do. What! did I really see you put your knife into your mouth? +Then I must give you up. Once for all, and ever, the knife is to cut, +not to help with. Pray, do not munch in that noisy manner; chew your +food well, but softly. _Eat slowly._ Have you not heard that Napoleon +lost the battle of Leipsic by eating too fast? It is a fact though. His +haste caused indigestion, which made him incapable of attending to the +details of the battle. You see you are the last person eating at table. +Sir, I will not allow you to speak to my servants in that way. If they +are so remiss as to oblige you to ask for anything, do it gently, and in +a low tone, and thank a servant just as much as you would his master. +Ten to one he is as good a man; and because he is your inferior in +position, is the very reason you should treat him courteously. Oh! it is +of no use to ask me to take wine; far from pacifying me, it will only +make me more angry, for I tell you the custom is quite gone out, except +in a few country villages, and at a mess-table. Nor need you ask the +lady to do so. However, there is this consolation, if you should ask any +one to take wine with you, he or she _cannot_ refuse, so you have your +own way. Perhaps next you will be asking me to hob and nob, or +_trinquer_ in the French fashion with arms encircled. Ah! you don't +know, perhaps, that when a lady _trinques_ in that way with you, you +have a right to finish off with a kiss. Very likely, indeed! But it is +the custom in familiar circles in France, but then we are not Frenchmen. +_Will_ you attend to your lady, sir? You did not come merely to eat, but +to make yourself agreeable. Don't sit as glum as the Memnon at Thebes; +talk and be pleasant. Now, you have some pudding. No knife--no, _no_. A +spoon if you like, but better still, a fork. Yes, ice requires a spoon; +there is a small one handed you, take that. + +"Say 'no.' This is the fourth time wine has been handed to you, and I am +sure you have had enough. Decline this time if you please. Decline that +dish too. Are you going to eat of everything that is handed? I pity you +if you do. No, you must not ask for more cheese, and you must eat it +with your fork. Break the rusk with your fingers. Good. You are drinking +a glass of old port. Do not quaff it down at a gulp in that way. Never +drink a whole glassful of anything at once. + +"Well, here is the wine and dessert. Take whichever wine you like, but +remember you must keep to that, and not change about. Before you go up +stairs I will allow you a glass of sherry after your claret, but +otherwise drink of one wine only. You don't mean to say you are helping +yourself to wine before the ladies. At least, offer it to the one next +to you, and then pass it on, gently, not with a push like that. Do not +drink so fast; you will hurry me in passing the decanters, if I see that +your glass is empty. You need not eat dessert till the ladies are gone, +but offer them whatever is nearest to you. And now they are gone, draw +your chair near mine, and I will try and talk more pleasantly to you. +You will come out admirably at your next dinner with all my teaching. +What! you are excited, you are talking loud to the colonel. Nonsense. +Come and talk easily to me or to your nearest neighbor. There, don't +drink any more wine, for I see you are getting romantic. You oblige me +to make a move. You have had enough of those walnuts; you are keeping +me, my dear sir. So now to coffee [one cup] and tea, which I beg you +will not pour into your saucer to cool. Well, the dinner has done you +good, and me too. Let us be amiable to the ladies, but not too much so." + +"_Champ, champ; Smack, smack; Smack, smack; Champ, champ;_--It is one +thing to know how to make a pudding, and another to know how to eat it +when made. Unmerciful and monstrous are the noises with which some +persons accompany the eating--no, the devouring of the food for which, +we trust, they are thankful. To sit down with a company of such +masticators is like joining 'a herd of swine feeding.' Soberly, at no +time, probably, are the rules of good breeding less regarded than at +'feeding time,' and at no place is a departure from these rules more +noticeable than at table. Some persons gnaw at a crust as dogs gnaw a +bone, rattle knives and spoons against their teeth as though anxious to +prove which is the harder, and scrape their plates with an energy and +perseverance which would be very commendable if bestowed upon any object +worth the trouble. Others, in defiance of the old nursery rhyme-- + + 'I must not dip, howe'er I wish, + My spoon or finger in the dish;' + +are perpetually helping themselves in this very straightforward and +unsophisticated manner. Another, with a mouth full of food contrives to +make his teeth and tongue perform the double duty of chewing and talking +at the same time. Another, quite in military style, in the intervals of +cramming, makes his knife and fork keep guard over the jealously watched +plate, being held upright on either side in the clenched fist, like the +musket of a raw recruit. And another, as often as leisure serves, +fidgets his plate from left to right, and from right to left, or round +and round, until the painful operation of feeding is over. + +"There is, we know, such a thing as being 'too nice'--'more nice than +wise.' It is quite possible to be fastidious. But there are also such +inconsiderable matters as decency and good order; and it surely is +better to err on the right than on the wrong side of good breeding." + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. + + +A gentleman will be always polite, in the parlor, dining-room, and in +the street. This last clause will especially include courtesy towards +ladies, no matter what may be their age or position. A man who will +annoy or insult a woman in the street, lowers himself to a brute, no +matter whether he offends by look, word, or gesture. There are several +little forms of etiquette, given below, the observance of which will +mark the gentleman in the street. + +When walking with a lady, or with a gentleman who is older than +yourself, give them the upper side of the pavement, that is, the side +nearest the house. + +When walking alone, and you see any one coming towards you on the same +side of the street, give the upper part of the pavement, as you turn +aside, to a man who may carry a heavy bundle, to a priest or clergyman, +to a woman, or to any elderly person. + +In a crowd never rudely push aside those who impede your progress, but +wait patiently until the way is clear. If you are hurried by business of +importance or an engagement, you will find that a few courteous words +will open the way before you more quickly than the most violent pushing +and loud talking. + +If obliged to cross a plank, or narrow path, let any lady or old person +who may also be passing, precede you. In case the way is slippery or in +any way unsafe, you may, with perfect propriety, offer to assist either +a lady or elderly person in crossing it. + +Do not smoke in the street until after dark, and then remove your cigar +from your mouth, if you meet a lady. + +Be careful about your dress. You can never know whom you may meet, so it +is best to never leave the house otherwise than well-dressed. Bright +colors, and much jewelry are both unbecoming to a gentleman in the +street. + +Avoid touching any one with your elbows in passing, and do not swing +your arms as you walk. + +Be careful when walking with or near a lady, not to put your foot upon +her dress. + +In carrying an umbrella, hold it so that you can see the way clear +before you; avoid striking your umbrella against those which pass you; +if you are walking with a lady, let the umbrella cover her perfectly, +but hold it so that you will not touch her bonnet. If you have the care +of two ladies, let them carry the umbrella between them, and walk +outside yourself. Nothing can be more absurd than for a gentleman to +walk between two ladies, holding the umbrella himself; while, in this +way, he is perfectly protected, the ladies receive upon their dresses +and cloaks the little streams of water which run from the points of the +umbrella. + +In case of a sudden fall of rain, you may, with perfect propriety, +offer your umbrella to a lady who is unprovided with one. If she accepts +it, and asks your address to return it, leave it with her; if she +hesitates, and does not wish to deprive you of the use of it, you may +offer to accompany her to her destination, and then, do not open a +conversation; let your manner be respectful, and when you leave her, let +her thank you, assure her of the pleasure it has given you to be of +service, bow, and leave her. + +In meeting a lady friend, wait for her to bow to you, and in returning +her salutation, remove your hat. To a gentleman you may bow, merely +touching your hat, if he is alone or with another gentleman; but if he +has a lady with him, raise your hat in bowing to him. If you stop to +speak to a lady, hold your hat in your hand, until she leaves you, +unless she requests you to replace it. With a gentleman you may replace +it immediately. + +Never join a lady whom you may meet, without first asking her permission +to do so. + +If you stop to converse with any one in the street, stand near the +houses, that you may not interfere with others who are passing. + +You may bow to a lady who is seated at a window, if you are in the +street; but you must not bow from a window to a lady in the street. + +Do not stop to join a crowd who are collected round a street show, or +street merchant, unless you wish to pass for a countryman taking a +holiday in the city. + +If you stop any one to enquire your own way, or if you are called upon +to direct another, remove your hat while asking or answering the +question. + +If you see a lady leaving a carriage unattended, or hesitating at a bad +crossing, you may, with propriety, offer your hand or arm to assist her, +and having seen her safely upon the pavement, bow, and pass on. + +In a car or omnibus, when a lady wishes to get out, stop the car for +her, pass up her fare, and in an omnibus alight and assist her in +getting out, bowing as you leave her. + +Be gentle, courteous, and kind to children. There is no surer token of a +low, vulgar mind, than unkindness to little ones whom you may meet in +the streets. + +A true gentleman never stops to consider what may be the position of any +woman whom it is in his power to aid in the street. He will assist an +Irish washerwoman with her large basket or bundle over a crossing, or +carry over the little charges of a distressed negro nurse, with the same +gentle courtesy which he would extend toward the lady who was stepping +from her private carriage. The true spirit of chivalry makes the +courtesy due to the sex, not to the position of the individual. + +When you are escorting a lady in the street, politeness does not +absolutely require you to carry her bundle or parasol, but if you are +gallant you will do so. You must regulate your walk by hers, and not +force her to keep up with your ordinary pace. + +Watch that you do not lead her into any bad places, and assist her +carefully over each crossing, or wet place on the pavement. + +If you are walking in the country, and pass any streamlet, offer your +hand to assist your companion in crossing. + +If you pass over a fence, and she refuses your assistance in crossing +it, walk forward, and do not look back, until she joins you again. The +best way to assist a lady over a fence, is to stand yourself upon the +upper rail, and while using one hand to keep a steady position, stoop, +offer her the other, and with a firm, steady grasp, hold her hand until +she stands beside you; then let her go down on the other side first, and +follow her when she is safe upon the ground. + +In starting for a walk with a lady, unless she is a stranger in the +place towards whom you act as guide, let her select your destination. + +Where there are several ladies, and you are required to escort one of +them, select the elderly, or those whose personal appearance will +probably make them least likely to be sought by others. You will +probably be repaid by finding them very intelligent, and with a fund of +conversation. If there are more ladies than gentlemen, you may offer an +arm to two, with some jest about the difficulty of choosing, or the +double honor you enjoy. + +Offer your seat in any public conveyance, to a lady who is standing. It +is often quite as great a kindness and mark of courtesy to take a child +in your lap. + +When with a lady you must pay her expenses as well as your own; if she +offers to share the expense, decline unless she insists upon it, in the +latter case yield gracefully. Many ladies, who have no brother or +father, and are dependent upon their gentlemen friends for escort, make +it a rule to be under no pecuniary obligations to them, and you will, +in such a case, offend more by insisting upon your right to take that +expense, than by quietly pocketing your dignity and their cash together. + +I know many gentlemen will cry out at my assertion; but I have observed +this matter, and know many _ladies_ who will sincerely agree with me in +my opinion. + +In a carriage always give the back seat to the lady or ladies +accompanying you. If you have but one lady with you, take the seat +opposite to her, unless she invites you to sit beside her, in which case +accept her offer. + +Never put your arm across the seat, or around her, as many do in riding. +It is an impertinence, and if she is a lady of refinement, she will +resent it as such. + +If you offer a seat in your carriage to a lady, or another gentleman +whom you may meet at a party or picnic, take them home, before you drive +to your own destination, no matter how much you may have to drive out of +your own way. + +Be the last to enter the carriage, the first to leave it. If you have +ladies with you, offer them your hand to assist them in entering and +alighting, and you should take the arm of an old gentleman to assist +him. + +If offered a seat in the carriage of a gentleman friend, stand aside for +him to get in first, but if he waits for you, bow and take your seat +before he does. + +When driving a lady in a two-seated vehicle, you should assist her to +enter the carriage, see that her dress is not in danger of touching the +wheels, and that her shawl, parasol, and fan, are where she can reach +them, before you take your own seat. If she wishes to stop, and you +remain with the horses, you should alight before she does, assist her +in alighting, and again alight to help her to her seat when she returns, +even if you keep your place on the seat whilst she is gone. + +When attending a lady in a horse-back ride, never mount your horse until +she is ready to start. Give her your hand to assist her in mounting, +arrange the folds of her habit, hand her her reins and her whip, and +then take your own seat on your saddle. + +Let her pace be yours. Start when she does, and let her decide how fast +or slowly she will ride. Never let the head of your horse pass the +shoulders of hers, and be watchful and ready to render her any +assistance she may require. + +Never, by rapid riding, force her to ride faster than she may desire. + +Never touch her bridle, reins, or whip, except she particularly requests +your assistance, or an accident, or threatened danger, makes it +necessary. + +If there is dust or wind, ride so as to protect her from it as far as +possible. + +If the road is muddy be careful that you do not ride so as to bespatter +her habit. It is best to ride on the side away from that upon which her +habit falls. Some ladies change their side in riding, from time to time, +and you must watch and see upon which side the skirt falls, that, on a +muddy day, you may avoid favoring the habit with the mud your horse's +hoofs throw up. + +If you ride with a gentleman older than yourself, or one who claims your +respect, let him mount before you do. Extend the same courtesy towards +any gentleman whom you have invited to accompany you, as he is, for the +ride, your guest. + +The honorable place is on the right. Give this to a lady, an elderly +man, or your guest. + +A modern writer says:--"If walking with a female relative or friend, a +well-bred man will take the outer side of the pavement, not only because +the wall-side is the most honorable side of a public walk, but also +because it is generally the farthest point from danger in the street. If +walking alone, he will be ready to offer assistance to any female whom +he may see exposed to real peril from any source. Courtesy and manly +courage will both incite him to this line of conduct. In general, this +is a point of honor which almost all men are proud to achieve. It has +frequently happened that even where the savage passions of men have been +excited, and when mobs have been in actual conflict, women have been +gallantly escorted through the sanguinary crowd unharmed, and their +presence has even been a protection to their protectors. This is as it +should be; and such incidents have shown in a striking manner, not only +the excellency of good breeding, but have also brought it out when and +where it was least to be expected. + +"In streets and all public walks, a well-bred person will be easily +distinguished from another who sets at defiance the rules of good +breeding. He will not, whatever be his station, hinder and annoy his +fellow pedestrians, by loitering or standing still in the middle of the +footway. He will, if walking in company, abstain from making impertinent +remarks on those he meets; he will even be careful not to appear +indelicately to notice them. He will not take 'the crown of the +causeway' to himself, but readily fall in with the convenient custom +which necessity has provided, and walk on the right side of the path, +leaving the left side free for those who are walking in the opposite +direction. Any departure from these plain rules of good breeding is +downright rudeness and insult; or, at all events, it betrays great +ignorance or disregard for propriety. And yet, how often are they +departed from! It is, by no means, uncommon, especially in country +places, for groups of working men to obstruct the pathway upon which +they take a fancy to lounge, without any definite object, as far as +appears, but that of making rude remarks upon passers-by. But it is not +only the laboring classes of society who offend against good breeding in +this way; too many others offend in the same, and by stopping to talk in +the middle of the pavement put all who pass to great inconvenience." + +In meeting a lady do not offer to shake hands with her, but accept her +hand when _she_ offers it for you to take. + +"In France, where politeness is found in every class, the people do not +run against each other in the streets, nor brush rudely by each other, +as they sometimes do in our cities. It adds much to the pleasure of +walking, to be free from such annoyance; and this can only be brought +about by the well-taught few setting a good example to the many. By +having your wits about you, you can win your way through a thronged +street without touching even the extreme circumference of a balloon +sleeve; and, if each one strove to avoid all contact, it would be easily +accomplished." + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. + + +A gentleman in society must calculate to give a certain portion of his +time to making calls upon his friends, both ladies and gentlemen. He may +extend his visiting list to as large a number as his inclination and +time will permit him to attend to, but he cannot contract it after +passing certain limits. His position as a man in society obliges him to +call, + +Upon any stranger visiting his city, who brings a letter of introduction +to him; + +Upon any friend from another city, to whose hospitality he has been at +any time indebted; + +Upon any gentleman after receiving from his hands a favor or courtesy; + +Upon his host at any dinner or supper party, (such calls should be made +very soon after the entertainment given); + +Upon any friend whose joy or grief calls for an expression of sympathy, +whether it be congratulation or condolence; + +Upon any friend who has lately returned from a voyage or long journey; + +Upon any lady who has accepted his services as an escort, either for a +journey or the return from a ball or evening party; this call must be +made the day after he has thus escorted the lady; + +Upon his hostess after any party to which he has been invited, whether +he has accepted or declined such invitation; + +Upon any lady who has accepted his escort for an evening, a walk or a +drive; + +Upon any friend whom long or severe illness keeps confined to the house; + +Upon his lady friends on New Year's day, (if it is the custom of the +city in which he resides;) + +Upon any of his friends when they receive bridal calls; + +Upon lady friends in any city you are visiting; if gentlemen friends +reside in the same city, you may either call upon them or send your card +with your address and the length of time you intend staying, written +upon it; if a stranger or friend visiting your city sends such a card, +you must call at the earliest opportunity; + +Upon any one of whom you wish to ask a favor; to make him, under such +circumstances call upon you, is extremely rude; + +Upon any one who has asked a favor of you; you will add very much to the +pleasure you confer, in granting a favor, by calling to express the +gratification it affords you to be able to oblige your friend; you will +soften the pain of a refusal, if, by calling, and expressing your +regret, you show that you feel interested in the request, and consider +it of importance. + +Upon intimate friends, relatives, and ladies, you may call without +waiting for any of the occasions given above. + +Do not fall into the vulgar error of declaiming against the practice of +making calls, declaring it a "bore," tiresome, or stupid. The custom is +a good one. + +An English writer says:-- + +"The visit or call is a much better institution than is generally +supposed. It has its drawbacks. It wastes much time; it necessitates +much small talk. It obliges one to dress on the chance of finding a +friend at home; but for all this it is almost the only means of making +an acquaintance ripen into friendship. In the visit, all the strain, +which general society somehow necessitates, is thrown off. A man +receives you in his rooms cordially, and makes you welcome, not to a +stiff dinner, but an easy chair and conversation. A lady, who in the +ball room or party has been compelled to limit her conversation, can +here speak more freely. The talk can descend from generalities to +personal inquiries, and need I say, that if you wish to know a young +lady truly, you must see her at home, and by day light. + +"The main points to be observed about visits, are the proper occasions +and the proper hours. Now, between actual friends there is little need +of etiquette in these respects. A friendly visit may be made at any +time, on any occasion. True, you are more welcome when the business of +the day is over, in the afternoon rather than in the morning, and you +must, even as a friend, avoid calling at meal times. But, on the other +hand, many people receive visits in the evening, and certainly this is +the best time to make them." + +Any first call which you receive must be returned promptly. If you do +not wish to continue the acquaintance any farther, you need not return a +second call, but politeness imperatively demands a return of the first +one. + +A call may be made upon ladies in the morning or afternoon; but in this +country, where almost every man has some business to occupy his day, the +evening is the best time for paying calls. You will gain ground in easy +intercourse and friendly acquaintance more rapidly in one evening, than +in several morning calls. + +Never make a call upon a lady before eleven o'clock in the morning, or +after nine in the evening. + +Avoid meal times. If you inadvertently call at dinner or tea time, and +your host is thus forced to invite you to the table, it is best to +decline the civility. If, however, you see that you will give pleasure +by staying, accept the invitation, but be careful to avoid calling again +at the same hour. + +No man in the United States, excepting His Excellency, the President, +can expect to receive calls unless he returns them. + +"Visiting," says a French writer, "forms the cord which binds society +together, and it is so firmly tied, that were the knot severed, society +would perish." + +A ceremonious call should never extend over more than fifteen minutes, +and it should not be less than ten minutes. + +If you see the master of the house take letters or a paper from his +pocket, look at the clock, have an absent air, beat time with his +fingers or hands, or in any other way show weariness or _ennui_, you +may safely conclude that it is time for you to leave, though you may not +have been five minutes in the house. If you are host to the most +wearisome visitor in existence, if he stays hours, and converses only on +subjects which do not interest you, in the least; unless he is keeping +you from an important engagement, you must not show the least sign of +weariness. Listen to him politely, endeavor to entertain him, and +preserve a smiling composure, though you may long to show him the door. +In case he is keeping you from business of importance, or an imperative +engagement, you may, without any infringement upon the laws of +politeness, inform him of the fact, and beg him to excuse you; you must, +however, express polite regret at your enforced want of hospitality, and +invite him to call again. + +It is quite an art to make a graceful exit after a call. To know how to +choose the moment when you will be regretted, and to retire leaving your +friends anxious for a repetition of the call, is an accomplishment worth +acquiring. + +When you begin to tire of your visit, you may generally feel sure that +your entertainers are tired of you, and if you do not want to remain +printed upon their memory as "the man who makes such long, tiresome +calls," you will retire. + +If other callers come in before you leave a friend's parlor, do not rise +immediately as if you wished to avoid them, but remain seated a few +moments, and then leave, that your hostess may not have too many +visitors to entertain at one time. + +If you have been enjoying a _tete-a-tete_ interview with a lady, and +other callers come in, do not hurry away, as if detected in a crime, but +after a few courteous, graceful words, and the interchange of some +pleasant remarks, leave her to entertain her other friends. + +To endeavor when making a call to "sit out" others in the room, is very +rude. + +When your host or hostess urges you to stay longer, after you have risen +to go, be sure that that is the best time for departure. You will do +better to go then, when you will be regretted, than to wait until you +have worn your welcome out. + +When making a visit of condolence, take your tone from your host or +hostess. If they speak of their misfortune, or, in case of death, of the +departed relative, join them. Speak of the talents or virtues of the +deceased, and your sympathy with their loss. If, on the other hand, they +avoid the subject, then it is best for you to avoid it too. They may +feel their inability to sustain a conversation upon the subject of their +recent affliction, and it would then be cruel to force it upon them. If +you see that they are making an effort, perhaps a painful one, to appear +cheerful, try to make them forget for the time their sorrows, and chat +on cheerful subjects. At the same time, avoid jesting, merriment, or +undue levity, as it will be out of place, and appear heartless. + +A visit of congratulation, should, on the contrary, be cheerful, gay, +and joyous. Here, painful subjects would be out of place. Do not mar the +happiness of your friend by the description of the misery of your own +position or that of a third person, but endeavor to show by joyous +sympathy that the pleasure of your friend is also your happiness. To +laugh with those who laugh, weep with those who are afflicted, is not +hypocrisy, but kindly, friendly sympathy. + +Always, when making a friendly call, send up your card, by the servant +who opens the door. + +There are many times when a card may be left, even if the family upon +which you call is at home. Visits of condolence, unless amongst +relatives or very intimate friends, are best made by leaving a card with +enquiries for the health of the family, and offers of service. + +If you see upon entering a friend's parlor, that your call is keeping +him from going out, or, if you find a lady friend dressed for a party or +promenade, make your visit very brief. In the latter case, if the lady +seems unattended, and urges your stay, you may offer your services as an +escort. + +Never visit a literary man, an artist, any man whose profession allows +him to remain at home, at the hours when he is engaged in the pursuit of +his profession. The fact that you know he is at home is nothing; he will +not care to receive visits during the time allotted to his daily work. + +Never take another gentleman to call upon one of your lady friends +without first obtaining her permission to do so. + +The calls made after receiving an invitation to dinner, a party, ball, +or other entertainment should be made within a fortnight after the +civility has been accepted. + +When you have saluted the host and hostess, do not take a seat until +they invite you to do so, or by a motion, and themselves sitting down, +show that they expect you to do the same. + +Keep your hat in your hand when making a call. This will show your host +that you do not intend to remain to dine or sup with him. You may leave +an umbrella or cane in the hall if you wish, but your hat and gloves you +must carry into the parlor. In making an evening call for the first time +keep your hat and gloves in your hand, until the host or hostess +requests you to lay them aside and spend the evening. + +When going to spend the evening with a friend whom you visit often, +leave your hat, gloves, and great coat in the hall. + +If, on entering a parlor of a lady friend, in the evening, you see by +her dress, or any other token, that she was expecting to go to the +opera, concert, or an evening party, make a call of a few minutes only, +and then retire. I have known men who accepted instantly the invitation +given them to remain under these circumstances, and deprive their +friends of an anticipated pleasure, when their call could have been made +at any other time. To thus impose upon the courtesy of your friends is +excessively rude. Nothing will pardon such an acceptance but the +impossibility of repeating your call, owing to a short stay in town, or +any other cause. Even in this case it is better to accompany your +friends upon their expedition in search of pleasure. You can, of course, +easily obtain admittance if they are going to a public entertainment, +and if they invite you to join their party to a friend's house, you may +without impropriety do so, as a lady is privileged to introduce you to +her friends under such circumstances. It requires tact and discretion to +know when to accept and when to decline such an invitation. Be careful +that you do not intrude upon a party already complete in themselves, or +that you do not interfere with the plans of the gentlemen who have +already been accepted as escorts. + +Never make a _third_ upon such occasions. Neither one of a couple who +propose spending the evening abroad together, will thank the intruder +who spoils their tete-a-tete. + +When you find, on entering a room, that your visit is for any reason +inopportune, do not instantly retire unless you have entered unperceived +and can so leave, in which case leave immediately; if, however, you have +been seen, your instant retreat is cut off. Then endeavor by your own +graceful ease to cover any embarrassment your entrance may have caused, +make but a short call, and, if you can, leave your friends under the +impression that you saw nothing out of the way when you entered. + +Always leave a card when you find the person upon whom you have called +absent from home. + +A card should have nothing written upon it, but your name and address. +To leave a card with your business address, or the nature of your +profession written upon it, shows a shocking ignorance of polite +society. Business cards are never to be used excepting when you make a +business call. + +Never use a card that is ornamented in any way, whether by a fancy +border, painted corners, or embossing. Let it be perfectly plain, +tinted, if you like, in color, but without ornament, and have your name +written or printed in the middle, your address, in smaller characters, +in the lower left hand corner. Many gentlemen omit the Mr. upon their +cards, writing merely their Christian and surname; this is a matter of +taste, you may follow your own inclination. Let your card be written +thus:-- + + HENRY C. PRATT + + No. 217 L. street. + +A physician will put Dr. before or M.D. after the name, and an officer +in the army or navy may add his title; but for militia officers to do so +is absurd. + +If you call upon a lady, who invites you to be seated, place a chair for +her, and wait until she takes it before you sit down yourself. + +Never sit beside a lady upon a sofa, or on a chair very near her own, +unless she invites you to do so. + +If a lady enters the room where you are making a call, rise, and remain +standing until she is seated. Even if she is a perfect stranger, offer +her a chair, if there is none near her. + +You must rise if a lady leaves the room, and remain standing until she +has passed out. + +If you are engaged in any profession which you follow at home, and +receive a caller, you may, during the daytime, invite him into your +library, study, or the room in which you work, and, unless you use your +pen, you may work while he is with you. + +When you receive a visitor, meet him at the door, offer a chair, take +his hat and cane, and, while speaking of the pleasure the call affords +you, show, by your manner, that you are sincere, and desire a long call. + +Do not let your host come with you any farther than the room door if he +has other visitors; but if you are showing out a friend, and leave no +others in the parlor, you should come to the street door. + +A few hints from an English author, will not be amiss in this place. He +says:-- + +"Visits of condolence and congratulation must be made about a week after +the event. If you are intimate with the person on whom you call, you may +ask, in the first case, for admission; if not, it is better only to +leave a card, and make your 'kind inquiries' of the servant, who is +generally primed in what manner to answer them. In visits of +congratulation you should always go in, and be hearty in your +congratulations. Visits of condolence are terrible inflictions to both +receiver and giver, but they may be made less so by avoiding, as much as +consistent with sympathy, any allusion to the past. The receiver does +well to abstain from tears. A lady of my acquaintance, who had lost her +husband, was receiving such a visit in her best crape. She wept +profusely for some time upon the best of broad-hemmed cambric +handkerchiefs, and then turning to her visitor, said: 'I am sure you +will be glad to hear that Mr. B. has left me most comfortably provided +for.' _Hinc illae lacrymae._ Perhaps they would have been more sincere if +he had left her without a penny. At the same time, if you have not +sympathy and heart enough to pump up a little condolence, you will do +better to avoid it, but take care that your conversation is not too gay. +Whatever you may feel, you must respect the sorrows of others. + +"On marriage, cards are sent round to such people as you wish to keep +among your acquaintance, and it is then their part to call first on the +young couple, when within distance. + +"Having entered the house, you take up with you to the drawing-room both +hat and cane, but leave an umbrella in the hall. In France it is usual +to leave a great-coat down stairs also, but as calls are made in this +country in morning dress, it is not necessary to do so. + +"It is not usual to introduce people at morning calls in large towns; in +the country it is sometimes done, not always. The law of introductions +is, in fact, to force no one into an acquaintance. You should, +therefore, ascertain beforehand whether it is agreeable to both to be +introduced; but if a lady or a superior expresses a wish to know a +gentleman or an inferior, the latter two have no right to decline the +honor. The introduction is of an inferior [which position a gentleman +always holds to a lady] to the superior. You introduce Mr. Smith to Mrs. +Jones, or Mr. A. to Lord B., not _vice versa_. In introducing two +persons, it is not necessary to lead one of them up by the hand, but it +is sufficient simply to precede them. Having thus brought the person to +be introduced up to the one to whom he is to be presented, it is the +custom, even when the consent has been previously obtained, to say, with +a slight bow, to the superior personage: 'Will you allow me to introduce +Mr. ----?' The person addressed replies by bowing to the one introduced, +who also bows at the same time, while the introducer repeats their +names, and then retires, leaving them to converse. Thus, for instance, +in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. Smith, you will say, 'Mrs. Smith, allow +me to introduce Mr. Jones,' and while they are engaged in bowing you +will murmur, 'Mrs. Smith--Mr. Jones,' and escape. If you have to present +three or four people to said Mrs. Smith, it will suffice to utter their +respective names without repeating that of the lady. + +"A well-bred person always receives visitors at whatever time they may +call, or whoever they may be; but if you are occupied and cannot afford +to be interrupted by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the servant +_beforehand_ to say that you are 'not at home.' This form has often been +denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no lie unless intended to +deceive; and since the words are universally understood to mean that you +are engaged, it can be no harm to give such an order to a servant. But, +on the other hand, if the servant once admits a visitor within the hall, +you should receive him at any inconvenience to yourself." + +He also gives some admirable hints upon visits made to friends in +another city or the country. + +He says:-- + +"A few words on visits to country houses before I quit this subject. +Since a man's house is his castle, no one, not even a near relation, has +a right to invite himself to stay in it. It is not only taking a liberty +to do so, but may prove to be very inconvenient. A general invitation, +too, should never be acted on. It is often given without any intention +of following it up; but, if given, should be turned into a special one +sooner or later. An invitation should specify the persons whom it +includes, and the person invited should never presume to take with him +any one not specified. If a gentleman cannot dispense with his valet, he +should write to ask leave to bring a servant; but the means of your +inviter, and the size of the house, should be taken into consideration, +and it is better taste to dispense with a servant altogether. Children +and horses are still more troublesome, and should never be taken without +special mention made of them. It is equally bad taste to arrive with a +wagonful of luggage, as that is naturally taken as a hint that you +intend to stay a long time. The length of a country visit is indeed a +difficult matter to decide, but in the present day people who receive +much generally specify the length in their invitation--a plan which +saves a great deal of trouble and doubt. But a custom not so commendable +has lately come in of limiting the visits of acquaintance to two or +three days. This may be pardonable where the guest lives at no great +distance, but it is preposterous to expect a person to travel a long +distance for a stay of three nights. If, however, the length be not +specified, and cannot easily be discovered, a week is the limit for a +country visit, except at the house of a near relation or very old +friend. It will, however, save trouble to yourself, if, soon after your +arrival, you state that you are come "for a few days," and, if your host +wishes you to make a longer visit, he will at once press you to do so. + +"The main point in a country visit is to give as little trouble as +possible, to conform to the habits of your entertainers, and never to be +in the way. On this principle you will retire to your own occupations +soon after breakfast, unless some arrangement has been made for passing +the morning otherwise. If you have nothing to do, you may be sure that +your host has something to attend to in the morning. Another point of +good-breeding is to be punctual at meals, for a host and hostess never +sit down without their guest, and dinner may be getting cold. If, +however, a guest should fail in this particular, a well-bred entertainer +will not only take no notice of it, but attempt to set the late comer as +much at his ease as possible. A host should provide amusement for his +guests, and give up his time as much as possible to them; but if he +should be a professional man or student--an author, for instance--the +guest should, at the commencement of the visit, insist that he will not +allow him to interrupt his occupations, and the latter will set his +visitor more at his ease by accepting this arrangement. In fact, the +rule on which a host should act is to make his visitors as much at home +as possible; that on which a visitor should act, is to interfere as +little as possible with the domestic routine of the house. + +"The worst part of a country visit is the necessity of giving gratuities +to the servants, for a poor man may often find his visit cost him far +more than if he had stayed at home. It is a custom which ought to be put +down, because a host who receives much should pay his own servants for +the extra trouble given. Some people have made by-laws against it in +their houses, but, like those about gratuities to railway-porters, they +are seldom regarded. In a great house a man-servant expects gold, but a +poor man should not be ashamed of offering him silver. It must depend on +the length of the visit. The ladies give to the female, the gentlemen to +the male servants. Would that I might see my friends without paying them +for their hospitality in this indirect manner!" + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. + + +Of all the amusements open for young people, none is more delightful and +more popular than dancing. Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, +says: "Dancing is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing; but it is +one of those established follies to which people of sense are sometimes +obliged to conform; and then they should be able to do it well. And, +though I would not have you a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would +have you dance well, as I would have you do everything you do well." In +another letter, he writes: "Do you mind your dancing while your dancing +master is with you? As you will be often under the necessity of dancing +a minuet, I would have you dance it very well. Remember that the +graceful motion of the arms, the giving of your hand, and the putting +off and putting on of your hat genteelly, are the material parts of a +gentleman's dancing. But the greatest advantage of dancing well is, that +it necessarily teaches you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk +genteelly; all of which are of real importance to a man of fashion." + +Although the days are over when gentlemen carried their hats into ball +rooms and danced minuets, there are useful hints in the quotations +given above. Nothing will give ease of manner and a graceful carriage to +a gentleman more surely than the knowledge of dancing. He will, in its +practice, acquire easy motion, a light step, and learn to use both hands +and feet well. What can be more awkward than a man who continually finds +his hands and feet in his way, and, by his fussy movements, betrays his +trouble? A good dancer never feels this embarrassment, consequently he +never appears aware of the existence of his feet, and carries his hands +and arms gracefully. Some people being bashful and afraid of attracting +attention in a ball room or evening party, do not take lessons in +dancing, overlooking the fact that it is those who do _not_ partake of +the amusement on such occasions, not those who do, that attract +attention. To all such gentlemen I would say; Learn to dance. You will +find it one of the very best plans for correcting bashfulness. Unless +you possess the accomplishments that are common in polite society, you +can neither give nor receive all the benefits that can be derived from +social intercourse. + +When you receive an invitation to a ball, answer it immediately. + +If you go alone, go from the dressing-room to the ball room, find your +host and hostess, and speak first to them; if there are several ladies +in the house, take the earliest opportunity of paying your respects to +each of them, and invite one of them to dance with you the first dance. +If she is already engaged, you should endeavor to engage her for a dance +later in the evening, and are then at liberty to seek a partner amongst +the guests. + +When you have engaged a partner for a dance, you should go to her a few +moments before the set for which you have engaged her will be formed, +that you may not be hurried in taking your places upon the floor. +Enquire whether she prefers the head or side place in the set, and take +the position she names. + +In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, "Will you _honor_ me +with your hand for a quadrille?" or, "Shall I have the _honor_ of +dancing this set with you?" are more used now than "Shall I have the +_pleasure_?" or, "Will you give me the _pleasure_ of dancing with you?" + +Offer a lady your arm to lead her to the quadrille, and in the pauses +between the figures endeavor to make the duty of standing still less +tiresome by pleasant conversation. Let the subjects be light, as you +will be constantly interrupted by the figures in the dance. There is no +occasion upon which a pleasant flow of small talk is more _apropos_, and +agreeable than in a ball room. + +When the dance is over, offer your arm to your partner, and enquire +whether she prefers to go immediately to her seat, or wishes to +promenade. If she chooses the former, conduct her to her seat, stand +near her a few moments, chatting, then bow, and give other gentlemen an +opportunity of addressing her. If she prefers to promenade, walk with +her until she expresses a wish to sit down. Enquire, before you leave +her, whether you can be of any service, and, if the supper-room is open, +invite her to go in there with you. + +You will pay a delicate compliment and one that will certainly be +appreciated, if, when a lady declines your invitation to dance on the +plea of fatigue or fear of fatigue, you do not seek another partner, +but remain with the lady you have just invited, and thus imply that the +pleasure of talking with, and being near, her, is greater than that of +dancing with another. + +Let your hostess understand that you are at her service for the evening, +that she may have a prospect of giving her wall flowers a partner, and, +however unattractive these may prove, endeavor to make yourself as +agreeable to them as possible. + +Your conduct will differ if you escort a lady to a ball. Then your +principal attentions must be paid to her. You must call for her +punctually at the hour she has appointed, and it is your duty to provide +the carriage. You may carry her a bouquet if you will, this is optional. +A more elegant way of presenting it is to send it in the afternoon with +your card, as, if you wait until evening, she may think you do not mean +to present one, and provide one for herself. + +When you arrive at your destination, leave the carriage, and assist her +in alighting; then escort her to the lady's dressing-room, leave her at +the door, and go to the gentlemen's dressing-room. As soon as you have +arranged your own dress, go again to the door of the lady's room, and +wait until your companion comes out. Give her your left arm and escort +her to the ball room; find the hostess and lead your companion to her. +When they have exchanged greetings, lead your lady to a seat, and then +engage her for the first dance. Tell her that while you will not deprive +others of the pleasure of dancing with her, you are desirous of dancing +with her whenever she is not more pleasantly engaged, and before +seeking a partner for any other set, see whether your lady is engaged or +is ready to dance again with you. You must watch during the evening, +and, while you do not force your attentions upon her, or prevent others +from paying her attention, you must never allow her to be alone, but +join her whenever others are not speaking to her. You must take her in +to supper, and be ready to leave the party, whenever she wishes to do +so. + +If the ball is given in your own house, or at that of a near relative, +it becomes your duty to see that every lady, young or old, handsome or +ugly, is provided with a partner, though the oldest and ugliest may fall +to your own share. + +Never stand up to dance unless you are perfect master of the step, +figure, and time of that dance. If you make a mistake you not only +render yourself ridiculous, but you annoy your partner and the others in +the set. + +If you have come alone to a ball, do not devote yourself entirely to any +one lady. Divide your attentions amongst several, and never dance twice +in succession with the same partner. + +To affect an air of secrecy or mystery when conversing in a ball-room is +a piece of impertinence for which no lady of delicacy will thank you. + +When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank her for the pleasure +she has conferred upon you, and do not remain too long conversing with +her. + +Give your partner your whole attention when dancing with her. To let +your eyes wander round the room, or to make remarks betraying your +interest in others, is not flattering, as she will not be unobservant +of your want of taste. + +Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is an unpardonable +breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance with you, and neglect to +remind her of her promise when the time to redeem it comes. + +A dress coat, dress boots, full suit of black, and white or very light +kid gloves must be worn in a ball room. A white waistcoat and cravat are +sometimes worn, but this is a matter of taste. + +Never wait until the music commences before inviting a lady to dance +with you. + +If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is seated near her to +dance the same set. Do not go immediately to another lady, but chat a +few moments with the one whom you first invited, and then join a group +or gentlemen friends for a few moments, before seeking another partner. + +Never dance without gloves. This is an imperative rule. It is best to +carry two pair, as in the contact with dark dresses, or in handing +refreshments, you may soil the pair you wear on entering the room, and +will thus be under the necessity of offering your hand covered by a +soiled glove, to some fair partner. You can slip unperceived from the +room, change the soiled for a fresh pair, and then avoid that +mortification. + +If your partner has a bouquet, handkerchief, or fan in her hand, do not +offer to carry them for her. If she finds they embarrass her, she will +request you to hold them for her, but etiquette requires you not to +notice them, unless she speaks of them first. + +Do not be the last to leave the ball room. It is more elegant to leave +early, as staying too late gives others the impression that you do not +often have an invitation to a ball, and must "make the most of it." + +Some gentlemen linger at a private ball until all the ladies have left, +and then congregate in the supper-room, where they remain for hours, +totally regardless of the fact that they are keeping the wearied host +and his servants from their rest. Never, as you value your reputation as +a gentleman of refinement, be among the number of these "hangers on." + +The author of a recent work on etiquette, published in England, gives +the following hints for those who go to balls. He says:-- + +"When inviting a lady to dance, if she replies very politely, asking to +be excused, as she does not wish to dance ('with you,' being probably +her mental reservation), a man ought to be satisfied. At all events, he +should never press her to dance after one refusal. The set forms which +Turveydrop would give for the invitation are too much of the deportment +school to be used in practice. If you know a young lady slightly, it is +sufficient to say to her, 'May I have the pleasure of dancing this +waltz, &c., with you?' or if intimately, 'Will you dance, Miss A--?' The +young lady who has refused one gentleman, has no right to accept another +for that dance; and young ladies who do not wish to be annoyed, must +take care not to accept two gentlemen for the same dance. In Germany +such innocent blunders often cause fatal results. Two partners arrive at +the same moment to claim the fair one's hand; she vows she has not made +a mistake; 'was sure she was engaged to Herr A--, and not to Herr B--;' +Herr B-- is equally certain that she was engaged to him. The awkwardness +is, that if he at once gives her up, he appears to be indifferent about +it; while, if he presses his suit, he must quarrel with Herr A--, unless +the damsel is clever enough to satisfy both of them; and particularly if +there is an especial interest in Herr B--, he yields at last, but when +the dance is over, sends a friend to Herr A--. Absurd as all this is, it +is common, and I have often seen one Herr or the other walking about +with a huge gash on his cheek, or his arm in a sling, a few days after a +ball. + +"Friendship, it appears, can be let out on hire. The lady who was so +very amiable to you last night, has a right to ignore your existence +to-day. In fact, a ball room acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until +you have met at more balls than one. In the same way a man cannot, after +being introduced to a young lady to dance with, ask her to do so more +than twice in the same evening. A man may dance four or even five times +with the same partner. On the other hand, a real well-bred man will wish +to be useful, and there are certain people whom it is imperative on him +to ask to dance--the daughters of the house, for instance, and any young +ladies whom he may know intimately; but most of all the well-bred and +amiable man will sacrifice himself to those plain, ill-dressed, dull +looking beings who cling to the wall, unsought and despairing. After +all, he will not regret his good nature. The spirits reviving at the +unexpected invitation, the wall-flower will pour out her best +conversation, will dance her best, and will show him her gratitude in +some way or other. + +"The formal bow at the end of a quadrille has gradually dwindled away. +At the end of every dance you offer your right arm to your partner, (if +by mistake you offer the left, you may turn the blunder into a pretty +compliment, by reminding her that is _le bras du coeur_, nearest the +heart, which if not anatomically true, is, at least, no worse than +talking of a sunset and sunrise), and walk half round the room with her. +You then ask her if she will take any refreshment, and, if she accepts, +you convey your precious allotment of tarlatane to the refreshment room +to be invigorated by an ice or negus, or what you will. It is judicious +not to linger too long in this room, if you are engaged to some one else +for the next dance. You will have the pleasure of hearing the music +begin in the distant ball room, and of reflecting that an expectant fair +is sighing for you like Marianna-- + + "He cometh not," she said. + She said, "I am a-weary a-weary, + I would I were in bed;" + +which is not an unfrequent wish in some ball rooms. A well-bred girl, +too, will remember this, and always offer to return to the ball room, +however interesting the conversation. + +"If you are prudent you will not dance every dance, nor in fact, much +more than half the number on the list; you will then escape that hateful +redness of face at the time, and that wearing fatigue the next day which +are among the worst features of a ball. Again, a gentleman must +remember that a ball is essentially a lady's party, and in their +presence he should be gentle and delicate almost to a fault, never +pushing his way, apologizing if he tread on a dress, still more so if he +tears it, begging pardon for any accidental annoyance he may occasion, +and addressing every body with a smile. But quite unpardonable are those +men whom one sometimes meets, who, standing in a door-way, talk and +laugh as they would in a barrack or college-rooms, always coarsely, +often indelicately. What must the state of their minds be, if the sight +of beauty, modesty, and virtue, does not awe them into silence! A man, +too, who strolls down the room with his head in the air, looking as if +there were not a creature there worth dancing with, is an ill-bred man, +so is he who looks bored; and worse than all is he who takes too much +champagne. + +"If you are dancing with a young lady when the supper-room is opened, +you must ask her if she would like to go to supper, and if she says +'yes,' which, in 999 cases out of 1000, she certainly will do, you must +take her thither. If you are not dancing, the lady of the house will +probably recruit you to take in some chaperon. However little you may +relish this, you must not show your disgust. In fact, no man ought to be +disgusted at being able to do anything for a lady; it should be his +highest privilege, but it is not--in these modern unchivalrous +days--perhaps never was so. Having placed your partner then at the +supper-table, if there is room there, but if not at a side-table, or +even at none, you must be as active as Puck in attending to her wants, +and as women take as long to settle their fancies in edibles as in +love-matters, you had better at once get her something substantial, +chicken, _pate de foie gras_, _mayonnaise_, or what you will. Afterwards +come jelly and trifle in due course. + +"A young lady often goes down half-a-dozen times to the supper-room--it +is to be hoped not for the purpose of eating--but she should not do so +with the same partner more than once. While the lady is supping you must +stand by and talk to her, attending to every want, and the most you may +take yourself is a glass of champagne when you help her. You then lead +her up stairs again, and if you are not wanted there any more, you may +steal down and do a little quiet refreshment on your own account. As +long, however, as there are many ladies still at the table, you have no +right to begin. Nothing marks a man here so much as gorging at supper. +Balls are meant for dancing, not eating, and unfortunately too many +young men forget this in the present day. Lastly, be careful what you +say and how you dance after supper, even more so than before it, for if +you in the slightest way displease a young lady, she may fancy that you +have been too partial to strong fluids, and ladies never forgive that. +It would be hard on the lady of the house if every body leaving a large +ball thought it necessary to wish her good night. In quitting a small +dance, however, a parting bow is expected. It is then that the pretty +daughter of the house gives you that sweet smile of which you dream +afterwards in a gooseberry nightmare of 'tum-tum-tiddy-tum,' and waltzes +_a deux temps_, and masses of tarlatane and bright eyes, flushed cheeks +and dewy glances. See them to-morrow, my dear fellow, it will cure you. + +"I think flirtation comes under the head of morals more than of manners; +still I may be allowed to say that ball room flirtation being more open +is less dangerous than any other. A prudent man will never presume on a +girl's liveliness or banter. No man of taste ever made an offer after +supper, and certainly nine-tenths of those who have done so have +regretted it at breakfast the next morning. + +"At public balls there are generally either three or four stewards on +duty, or a professional master of ceremonies. These gentlemen having +made all the arrangements, order the dances, and have power to change +them if desirable. They also undertake to present young men to ladies, +but it must be understood that such an introduction is only available +for _one_ dance. It is better taste to ask the steward to introduce you +simply to a partner, than to point out any lady in particular. He will +probably then ask you if you have a choice, and if not, you may be +certain he will take you to an established wall-flower. Public balls are +scarcely enjoyable unless you have your own party. + +"As the great charm of a ball is its perfect accord and harmony, all +altercations, loud talking, &c., are doubly ill-mannered in a ball room. +Very little suffices to disturb the peace of the whole company." + +The same author gives some hints upon dancing which are so excellent +that I need make no apology for quoting them. He says:-- + +"'Thank you--aw--I do not dance,' is now a very common reply from a +well-dressed, handsome man, who is leaning against the side of the door, +to the anxious, heated hostess, who feels it incumbent on her to find a +partner for poor Miss Wallflower. I say the reply is not only common, +but even regarded as rather a fine one to make. In short, men of the +present day don't, won't, or can't dance; and you can't make them do it, +except by threatening to give them no supper. I really cannot discover +the reason for this aversion to an innocent amusement, for the apparent +purpose of enjoying which they have spent an hour and a half on their +toilet. There is something, indeed, in the heat of a ball room, there is +a great deal in the ridiculous smallness of the closets into which the +ball-giver crowds two hundred people, with a cruel indifference only +equalled by that of the black-hole of Calcutta, expecting them to enjoy +themselves, when the ladies' dresses are crushed and torn, and the +gentlemen, under the despotism of theirs, are melting away almost as +rapidly as the ices with which an occasional waiter has the +heartlessness to insult them. Then, again, it is a great nuisance to be +introduced to a succession of plain, uninteresting young women, of whose +tastes, modes of life, &c., you have not the slightest conception: who +may look gay, yet have never a thought beyond the curate and the parish, +or appear to be serious, while they understand nothing but the opera and +So-and-so's ball--in fact, to be in perpetual risk of either shocking +their prejudices, or plaguing them with subjects in which they can have +no possible interest; to take your chance whether they can dance at all, +and to know that when you have lighted on a real charmer, perhaps the +beauty of the room, she is only lent to you for that dance, and, when +that is over, and you have salaamed away again, you and she must remain +to one another as if you had never met; to feel, in short, that you must +destroy either your present comfort or future happiness, is certainly +sufficiently trying to keep a man close to the side-posts of the +doorway. But these are reasons which might keep him altogether from a +ball room, and, if he has these and other objections to dancing, he +certainly cannot be justified in coming to a place set apart for that +sole purpose. + +"But I suspect that there are other reasons, and that, in most cases, +the individual can dance and does dance at times, but has now a vulgar +desire to be distinguished from the rest of his sex present, and to +appear indifferent to the pleasures of the evening. If this be his +laudable desire, however he might, at least, be consistent, and continue +to cling to his door-post, like St. Sebastian to his tree, and reply +throughout the evening, 'Thank you, I don't take refreshments;' 'Thank +you, I can't eat supper;' 'Thank you, I don't talk;' 'Thank you, I don't +drink champagne,'--for if a ball room be purgatory, what a demoniacal +conflict does a supper-room present; if young ladies be bad for the +heart, champagne is worse for the head. + +"No, it is the will, not the power to dance which is wanting, and to +refuse to do so, unless for a really good reason, is not the part of a +well-bred man. To mar the pleasure of others is obviously bad manners, +and, though at the door-post, you may not be in the way, you may be +certain that there are some young ladies longing to dance, and +expecting to be asked, and that the hostess is vexed and annoyed by +seeing them fixed, like pictures, to the wall. It is therefore the duty +of every man who has no scruples about dancing, and purposes to appear +at balls, to learn how to dance. + +"In the present day the art is much simplified, and if you can walk +through a quadrille, and perform a polka, waltz, or galop, you may often +dance a whole evening through. Of course, if you can add to these the +Lancers, Schottische, and Polka-Mazurka, you will have more variety, and +can be more generally agreeable. But if your master or mistress [a man +learns better from the former] has stuffed into your head some of the +three hundred dances which he tells you exist, the best thing you can do +is to forget them again. Whether right or wrong, the number of usual +dances is limited, and unusual ones should be very sparingly introduced +into a ball, for as few people know them, their dancing, on the one +hand, becomes a mere display, and, on the other, interrupts the +enjoyment of the majority. + +"The quadrille is pronounced to be essentially a conversational dance, +but, inasmuch as the figures are perpetually calling you away from your +partner, the first necessity for dancing a quadrille is to be supplied +with a fund of small talk, in which you can go from subject to subject +like a bee from flower to flower. The next point is to carry yourself +uprightly. Time was when--as in the days of the _minuet de la cour_--the +carriage constituted the dance. This is still the case with the +quadrille, in which, even if ignorant of the figures, you may acquit +yourself well by a calm, graceful carriage. After all, the most +important figure is the _smile_, and the feet may be left to their fate, +if we know what to do with our hands; of which I may observe that they +should never be pocketed. + +"The smile is essential. A dance is supposed to amuse, and nothing is +more out of place in it than a gloomy scowl, unless it be an +ill-tempered frown. The gaiety of a dance is more essential than the +accuracy of its figures, and if you feel none yourself, you may, at +least, look pleased by that of those around you. A defiant manner is +equally obnoxious. An acquaintance of mine always gives me the +impression, when he advances in _l'ete_, that he is about to box the +lady who comes to meet him. But the most objectionable of all is the +supercilious manner. Dear me, if you really think you do your partner an +honor in dancing with her, you should, at least, remember that your +condescension is annulled by the manner in which you treat her. + +"A lady--beautiful word!--is a delicate creature, one who should be +reverenced and delicately treated. It is, therefore, unpardonable to +rush about in a quadrille, to catch hold of a lady's hand as if it were +a door-handle, or to drag her furiously across the room, as if you were +Bluebeard and she Fatima, with the mysterious closet opposite to you. +This _brusque_ violent style of dancing is, unfortunately, common, but +immediately stamps a man. Though I would not have you wear a perpetual +simper, you should certainly smile when you take a lady's hand, and the +old custom of bowing in doing so, is one that we may regret; for, does +she not confer an honor on us by the action? To squeeze it, on the +other hand, is a gross familiarity, for which you would deserve to be +kicked out of the room. + +"'Steps,' as the _chasser_ of the quadrille is called, belong to a past +age, and even ladies are now content to walk through a quadrille. It is, +however, necessary to keep time with the music, the great object being +the general harmony. To preserve this, it is also advisable, where the +quadrille, as is now generally the case, is danced by two long lines of +couples down the room, that in _l'ete_, and other figures, in which a +gentleman and lady advance alone to meet one another, none but gentlemen +should advance from the one side, and, therefore, none but ladies from +the other. + +"Dancing masters find it convenient to introduce new figures, and the +fashion of _La Trenise_ and the _Grande Ronde_ is repeatedly changing. +It is wise to know the last mode, but not to insist on dancing it. A +quadrille cannot go on evenly if any confusion arises from the +ignorance, obstinacy, or inattention of any one of the dancers. It is +therefore useful to know every way in which a figure may be danced, and +to take your cue from the others. It is amusing, however, to find how +even such a trifle as a choice of figures in a quadrille can help to +mark caste, and give a handle for supercilious sneers. Jones, the other +day, was protesting that the Browns were 'vulgar.' 'Why so? they are +well-bred.' 'Yes, so they are.' 'They are well-informed.' 'Certainly.' +'They are polite, speak good English, dress quietly and well, are +graceful and even elegant.' 'I grant you all that.' 'Then what fault can +you find with them?' 'My dear fellow, they are people who gallop round +in the last figure of a quadrille,' he replied, triumphantly. But to a +certain extent Jones is right. Where a choice is given, the man of taste +will always select for a quadrille (as it is a conversational dance) the +quieter mode of performing a figure, and so the Browns, if perfect in +other respects, at least were wanting in taste. There is one alteration +lately introduced from France, which I sincerely trust, will be +universally accepted. The farce of that degrading little performance +called 'setting'--where you dance before your partner somewhat like Man +Friday before Robinson Crusoe, and then as if your feelings were +overcome, seize her hands and whirl her round--has been finally +abolished by a decree of Fashion, and thus more opportunity is given for +conversation, and in a crowded room you have no occasion to crush +yourself and partner between the couples on each side of you. + +"I do not attempt to deny that the quadrille, as now walked, is +ridiculous; the figures, which might be graceful, if performed in a +lively manner, have entirely lost their spirit, and are become a +burlesque of dancing; but, at the same time, it is a most valuable +dance. Old and young, stout and thin, good dancers and bad, lazy and +active, stupid and clever, married and single, can all join in it, and +have not only an excuse and opportunity for _tete-a-tete_ conversation, +which is decidedly the easiest, but find encouragement in the music, and +in some cases convenient breaks in the necessity of dancing. A person of +few ideas has time to collect them while the partner is performing, and +one of many can bring them out with double effect. Lastly, if you wish +to be polite or friendly to an acquaintance who dances atrociously, you +can select a quadrille for him or her, as the case may be. + +"Very different in object and principle are the so-called round dances, +and there are great limitations as to those who should join in them. +Here the intention is to enjoy a peculiar physical movement under +peculiar conditions, and the conversation during the intervals of rest +is only a secondary object. These dances demand activity and lightness, +and should therefore be, as a rule, confined to the young. An old man +sacrifices all his dignity in a polka, and an old woman is ridiculous in +a waltz. Corpulency, too, is generally a great impediment, though some +stout people prove to be the lightest dancers. + +"The morality of round dances scarcely comes within my province. They +certainly can be made very indelicate; so can any dance, and the French +_cancan_ proves that the quadrille is no safer in this respect than the +waltz. But it is a gross insult to our daughters and sisters to suppose +them capable of any but the most innocent and purest enjoyment in the +dance, while of our young men I will say, that to the pure all things +are pure. Those who see harm in it, are those in whose mind evil +thoughts must have arisen. _Honi soit qui mal y pense._ Those who rail +against dancing are perhaps not aware that they do but follow in the +steps of the Romish Church. In many parts of the Continent, bishops who +have never danced in their lives, and perhaps never seen a dance, have +laid a ban of excommunication on waltzing. A story was told to me in +Normandy of the worthy Bishop of Bayeux, one of this number. A priest +of his diocese petitioned him to put down round dances. 'I know nothing +about them,' replied the prelate, 'I have never seen a waltz.' Upon this +the younger ecclesiastic attempted to explain what it was and wherein +the danger lay, but the bishop could not see it. 'Will Monseigneur +permit me to show him?' asked the priest. 'Certainly. My chaplain here +appears to understand the subject; let me see you two waltz.' How the +reverend gentlemen came to know so much about it does not appear, but +they certainly danced a polka, a gallop, and a _trois-temps_ waltz. 'All +these seem harmless enough.' 'Oh! but Monseigneur has not seen the +worst;' and thereupon the two gentlemen proceeded to flounder through a +_valse a deux-temps_. They must have murdered it terribly, for they were +not half round the room when his Lordship cried out, 'Enough, enough, +that is atrocious, and deserves excommunication.' Accordingly this waltz +was forbid, while the other dances were allowed. I was at a public ball +at Caen soon after this occurrence, and was amused to find the +_trois-temps_ danced with a peculiar shuffle, by way of compromise +between conscience and pleasure. + +"There are people in this country whose logic is as good as that of the +Bishop of Bayeux, but I confess my inability to understand it. If there +is impropriety in round dances, there is the same in all. But to the +waltz, which poets have praised and preachers denounced. The French, +with all their love of danger, waltz atrociously, the English but little +better; the Germans and Russians alone understand it. I could rave +through three pages about the innocent enjoyment of a good waltz, its +grace and beauty, but I will be practical instead, and give you a few +hints on the subject. + +"The position is the most important point. The lady and gentleman before +starting should stand exactly opposite to one another, quite upright, +and not, as is so common, painfully close to one another. If the man's +hand be placed where it should be, at the centre of the lady's waist, +and not all round it, he will have as firm a hold and not be obliged to +stoop, or bend to his right. The lady's head should then be turned a +little towards her left shoulder, and her partner's somewhat less +towards his right, in order to preserve the proper balance. Nothing can +be more atrocious than to see a lady lay her head on her partner's +shoulder; but, on the other hand, she will not dance well, if she turns +it in the opposite direction. The lady again should throw her head and +shoulders a little back, and the man lean a very little forward. + +"The position having been gained, the step is the next question. In +Germany the rapidity of the waltz is very great, but it is rendered +elegant by slackening the pace every now and then, and thus giving a +_crescendo_ and _decrescendo_ time to the movement. The Russian men +undertake to perform in waltzing the same feat as the Austrians in +riding, and will dance round the room with a glass of champagne in the +left hand without spilling a drop. This evenness in waltzing is +certainly very graceful, but can only be attained by a long sliding +step, which is little practised where the rooms are small, and people, +not understanding the real pleasure of dancing well, insist on dancing +all at the same time. In Germany they are so alive to the necessity of +ample space, that in large balls a rope is drawn across the room; its +two ends are held by the masters of the ceremonies _pro-tem._, and as +one couple stops and retires, another is allowed to pass under the rope +and take its place. But then in Germany they dance for the dancing's +sake. However this may be, an even motion is very desirable, and all the +abominations which militate against it, such as hop-waltzes, the +Schottische, and ridiculous _Varsovienne_, are justly put down in good +society. The pace, again, should not be sufficiently rapid to endanger +other couples. It is the gentleman's duty to _steer_, and in crowded +rooms nothing is more trying. He must keep his eyes open and turn them +in every direction, if he would not risk a collision, and the chance of +a fall, or what is as bad, the infliction of a wound on his partner's +arm. I have seen a lady's arm cut open in such a collision by the +bracelet of that of another lady; and the sight is by no means a +pleasant one in a ball room, to say nothing of a new dress covered in a +moment with blood. + +"The consequences of violent dancing may be really serious. Not only do +delicate girls bring on, thereby, a violent palpitation of the heart, +and their partners appear in a most disagreeable condition of solution, +but dangerous falls ensue from it. I have known instances of a lady's +head being laid open, and a gentleman's foot being broken in such a +fall, resulting, poor fellow! in lameness for life. + +"It is, perhaps, useless to recommend flat-foot waltzing in this +country, where ladies allow themselves to be almost hugged by their +partners, and where men think it necessary to lift a lady almost off the +ground, but I am persuaded that if it were introduced, the outcry +against the impropriety of waltzing would soon cease. Nothing can be +more delicate than the way in which a German holds his partner. It is +impossible to dance on the flat foot unless the lady and gentleman are +quite free of one another. His hand, therefore, goes no further round +her waist than to the hooks and eyes of her dress, hers, no higher than +to his elbow. Thus danced, the waltz is smooth, graceful, and delicate, +and we could never in Germany complain of our daughter's languishing on +a young man's shoulder. On the other hand, nothing is more graceless and +absurd than to see a man waltzing on the tips of his toes, lifting his +partner off the ground, or twirling round and round with her like the +figures on a street organ. The test of waltzing in time is to be able to +stamp the time with the left foot. A good flat-foot waltzer can dance on +one foot as well as on two, but I would not advise him to try it in +public, lest, like Mr. Rarey's horse on three legs, he should come to +the ground in a luckless moment. The legs should be very little bent in +dancing, the body still less so. I do not know whether it be worse to +see a man _sit down_ in a waltz, or to find him with his head poked +forward over your young wife's shoulder, hot, red, wild, and in far too +close proximity to the partner of your bosom, whom he makes literally +the partner of his own. + +"The 'Lancers' are a revival, after many long years, and, perhaps, we +may soon have a drawing-room adaptation of the Morris-dance. + +"The only advice, therefore, which it is necessary to give to those who +wish to dance the polka may be summed up in one word, 'don't.' Not so +with the galop. The remarks as to the position in waltzing apply to all +round dances, and there is, therefore, little to add with regard to the +galop, except that it is a great mistake to suppose it to be a rapid +dance. It should be danced as slowly as possible. It will then be more +graceful and less fatiguing. It is danced quite slowly in Germany and on +the flat foot. The polka-mazurka is still much danced, and is certainly +very graceful. The remarks on the quadrille apply equally to the +lancers, which are great favorites, and threaten to take the place of +the former. The schottische, hop-waltz, redowa, varsovienne, cellarius, +and so forth, have had their day, and are no longer danced in good +society. + +"The calm ease which marks the man of good taste, makes even the +swiftest dances graceful and agreeable. Vehemence may be excused at an +election, but not in a ball room. I once asked a beautiful and very +clever young lady how she, who seemed to pass her life with books, +managed to dance so well. 'I enjoy it,' she replied; 'and when I dance I +give my _whole mind_ to it.' And she was quite right. Whatever is worth +doing at all, is worth doing well; and if it is not beneath your dignity +to dance, it is not unworthy of your mind to give itself, for the time, +wholly up to it. You will never enjoy dancing till you do it well; and, +if you do not enjoy it, it is folly to dance. But, in reality, dancing, +if it be a mere trifle, is one to which great minds have not been +ashamed to stoop. Locke, for instance, has written on its utility, and +speaks of it as manly, which was certainly not Michal's opinion, when +she looked out of the window and saw her lord and master dancing and +playing. Plato recommended it, and Socrates learned the Athenian polka +of the day when quite an old gentleman, and liked it very much. Some one +has even gone the length of calling it 'the logic of the body;' and +Addison defends himself for making it the subject of a disquisition." + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +DRESS. + + +Between the sloven and the coxcomb there is generally a competition +which shall be the more contemptible: the one in the total neglect of +every thing which might make his appearance in public supportable, and +the other in the cultivation of every superfluous ornament. The former +offends by his negligence and dirt, and the latter by his finery and +perfumery. Each entertains a supreme contempt for the other, and while +both are right in their opinion, both are wrong in their practice. It is +not in either extreme that the man of real elegance and refinement will +be shown, but in the happy medium which allows taste and judgment to +preside over the wardrobe and toilet-table, while it prevents too great +an attention to either, and never allows personal appearance to become +the leading object of life. + +The French have a proverb, "It is not the cowl which makes the monk," +and it might be said with equal truth, "It is not the dress which makes +the gentleman," yet, as the monk is known abroad by his cowl, so the +true gentleman will let the refinement of his mind and education be seen +in his dress. + +The first rule for the guidance of a man, in matters of dress, should +be, "Let the dress suit the occasion." It is as absurd for a man to go +into the street in the morning with his dress-coat, white kid gloves, +and dancing-boots, as it would be for a lady to promenade the +fashionable streets, in full evening dress, or for the same man to +present himself in the ball-room with heavy walking-boots, a great coat, +and riding-cap. + +It is true that there is little opportunity for a gentleman to exercise +his taste for coloring, in the black and white dress which fashion so +imperatively declares to be the proper dress for a _dress_ occasion. He +may indulge in light clothes in the street during the warm months of the +year, but for the ball or evening party, black and white are the only +colors (or no colors) admissible, and in the midst of the gay dresses of +the ladies, the unfortunate man in his sombre dress appears like a demon +who has found his way into Paradise among the angels. _N'importe!_ Men +should be useful to the women, and how can they be better employed than +acting as a foil for their loveliness of face and dress! + +Notwithstanding the dress, however, a man may make himself agreeable, +even in the earthly Paradise, a ball-room. He can rise above the +mourning of his coat, to the joyousness of the occasion, and make +himself valued for himself, not his dress. He can make himself admired +for his wit, not his toilette; his elegance and refinement, not the +price of his clothes. + +There is another good rule for the dressing-room: While you are engaged +in dressing give your whole attention to it. See that every detail is +perfect, and that each article is neatly arranged. From the curl of +your hair to the tip of your boot, let all be perfect in its make and +arrangement, but, as soon as you have left your mirror, forget your +dress. Nothing betokens the coxcomb more decidedly than to see a man +always fussing about his dress, pulling down his wristbands, playing +with his moustache, pulling up his shirt collar, or arranging the bow of +his cravat. Once dressed, do not attempt to alter any part of your +costume until you are again in the dressing-room. + +In a gentleman's dress any attempt to be conspicuous is in excessively +bad taste. If you are wealthy, let the luxury of your dress consist in +the fine quality of each article, and in the spotless purity of gloves +and linen, but never wear much jewelry or any article conspicuous on +account of its money value. Simplicity should always preside over the +gentleman's wardrobe. + +Follow fashion as far as is necessary to avoid eccentricity or oddity in +your costume, but avoid the extreme of the prevailing _mode_. If coats +are worn long, yours need not sweep the ground, if they are loose, yours +may still have some fitness for your figure; if pantaloons are cut large +over the boot, yours need not cover the whole foot, if they are tight, +you may still take room to walk. Above all, let your figure and style of +face have some weight in deciding how far you are to follow fashion. For +a very tall man to wear a high, narrow-brimmed hat, long-tailed coat, +and tight pantaloons, with a pointed beard and hair brushed up from the +forehead, is not more absurd than for a short, fat man, to promenade the +street in a low, broad-brimmed hat, loose coat and pants, and the +latter made of large plaid material, and yet burlesques quite as broad +may be met with every day. + +An English writer, ridiculing the whims of Fashion, says:-- + +"To be in the fashion, an Englishman must wear six pairs of gloves in a +day: + +"In the morning, he must drive his hunting wagon in reindeer gloves. + +"In hunting, he must wear gloves of chamois skin. + +"To enter London in his tilbury, beaver skin gloves. + +"Later in the day, to promenade in Hyde Park, colored kid gloves, dark. + +"When he dines out, colored kid gloves, light. + +"For the ball-room, white kid gloves." + +Thus his yearly bill for gloves alone will amount to a most extravagant +sum. + +In order to merit the appellation of a well-dressed man, you must pay +attention, not only to the more prominent articles of your wardrobe, +coat, pants, and vest, but to the more minute details. A shirtfront +which fits badly, a pair of wristbands too wide or too narrow, a badly +brushed hat, a shabby pair of gloves, or an ill-fitting boot, will spoil +the most elaborate costume. Purity of skin, teeth, nails; well brushed +hair; linen fresh and snowy white, will make clothes of the coarsest +material, if well made, look more elegant, than the finest material of +cloth, if these details are neglected. + +Frequent bathing, careful attention to the teeth, nails, ears, and hair, +are indispensable to a finished toilette. + +Use but very little perfume, much of it is in bad taste. + +Let your hair, beard, and moustache, be always perfectly smooth, well +arranged, and scrupulously clean. + +It is better to clean the teeth with a piece of sponge, or very soft +brush, than with a stiff brush, and there is no dentifrice so good as +White Castile Soap. + +Wear always gloves and boots, which fit well and are fresh and whole. +Soiled or torn gloves and boots ruin a costume otherwise faultless. + +Extreme propriety should be observed in dress. Be careful to dress +according to your means. Too great saving is meanness, too great expense +is extravagance. + +A young man may follow the fashion farther than a middle-aged or elderly +man, but let him avoid going to the extreme of the mode, if he would not +be taken for an empty headed fop. + +It is best to employ a good tailor, as a suit of coarse broadcloth which +fits you perfectly, and is stylish in cut, will make a more elegant +dress than the finest material badly made. + +Avoid eccentricity; it marks, not the man of genius, but the fool. + +A well brushed hat, and glossy boots must be always worn in the street. + +White gloves are the only ones to be worn with full dress. + +A snuff box, watch, studs, sleeve-buttons, watch-chain, and one ring are +all the jewelry a well-dressed man can wear. + +An English author, in a recent work, gives the following rules for a +gentleman's dress: + +"The best bath for general purposes, and one which can do little harm, +and almost always some good, is a sponge bath. It should consist of a +large, flat metal basin, some four feet in diameter, filled with cold +water. Such a vessel may be bought for about fifteen shillings. A large, +coarse sponge--the coarser the better--will cost another five or seven +shillings, and a few Turkish towels complete the 'properties.' The water +should be plentiful and fresh, that is, brought up a little while before +the bath is to be used; not placed over night in the bed-room. Let us +wash and be merry, for we know not how soon the supply of that precious +article which here costs nothing may be cut off. In many continental +towns they buy their water, and on a protracted sea voyage the ration is +often reduced to half a pint a day _for all purposes_, so that a pint +per diem is considered luxurious. Sea-water, we may here observe, does +not cleanse, and a sensible man who bathes in the sea will take a bath +of pure water immediately after it. This practice is shamefully +neglected, and I am inclined to think that in many cases a sea-bath will +do more harm than good without it, but, if followed by a fresh bath, +cannot but be advantageous. + +"Taking the sponge bath as the best for ordinary purposes, we must point +out some rules in its use. The sponge being nearly a foot in length, and +six inches broad, must be allowed to fill completely with water, and the +part of the body which should be first attacked is the stomach. It is +there that the most heat has collected during the night, and the +application of cold water quickens the circulation at once, and sends +the blood which has been employed in digestion round the whole body. The +head should next be soused, unless the person be of full habit, when the +head should be attacked before the feet touch the cold water at all. +Some persons use a small hand shower bath, which is less powerful than +the common shower bath, and does almost as much good. The use of soap in +the morning bath is an open question. I confess a preference for a rough +towel, or a hair glove. Brummell patronized the latter, and applied it +for nearly a quarter of an hour every morning. + +"The ancients followed up the bath by anointing the body, and athletic +exercises. The former is a mistake; the latter, an excellent practice, +shamefully neglected in the present day. It would conduce much to health +and strength if every morning toilet comprised the vigorous use of the +dumb-bells, or, still better, the exercise of the arms without them. The +best plan of all is, to choose some object in your bed-room on which to +vent your hatred, and box at it violently for some ten minutes, till the +perspiration covers you. The sponge must then be again applied to the +whole body. It is very desirable to remain without clothing as long as +possible, and I should therefore recommend that every part of the toilet +which can conveniently be performed without dressing, should be so. + +"The next duty, then, must be to clean the TEETH. Dentists are modern +inquisitors, but their torture-rooms are meant only for the foolish. +Everybody is born with good teeth, and everybody might keep them good by +a proper diet, and the avoidance of sweets and smoking. Of the two the +former are, perhaps, the more dangerous. Nothing ruins the teeth so soon +as sugar in one's tea, and highly sweetened tarts and puddings, and as +it is _le premier pas qui coute_, these should be particularly avoided +in childhood. When the teeth attain their full growth and strength it +takes much more to destroy either their enamel or their substance. + +"It is upon the teeth that the effects of excess are first seen, and it +is upon the teeth that the odor of the breath depends. If I may not say +that it is a Christian duty to keep your teeth clean, I may, at least, +remind you that you cannot be thoroughly agreeable without doing so. Let +words be what they may, if they come with an impure odor, they cannot +please. The butterfly loves the scent of the rose more than its honey. + +"The teeth should be well rubbed inside as well as outside, and the back +teeth even more than the front. The mouth should then be rinsed, if not +seven times, according to the Hindu legislator, at least several times, +with fresh, cold water. This same process should be repeated several +times a day, since eating, smoking, and so forth, naturally render the +teeth and mouth dirty more or less, and nothing can be so offensive, +particularly to ladies, whose sense of smell seems to be keener than +that of the other sex, and who can detect at your first approach whether +you have been drinking or smoking. But, if only for your own comfort, +you should brush your teeth both morning and evening, which is quite +requisite for the preservation of their soundness and color; while, if +you are to mingle with others, they should be brushed, or, at least, +the mouth well rinsed after every meal, still more after smoking, or +drinking wine, beer, or spirits. No amount of general attractiveness can +compensate for an offensive odor in the breath; and none of the senses +is so fine a gentleman, none so unforgiving, if offended, as that of +smell. + +"Strict attention must be paid to the condition of the nails, and that +both as regards cleaning and cutting. The former is best done with a +liberal supply of soap on a small nail-brush, which should be used +before every meal, if you would not injure your neighbor's appetite. +While the hand is still moist, the point of a small pen-knife or pair of +stumpy nail-scissors should be passed under the nails so as to remove +every vestige of dirt; the skin should be pushed down with a towel, that +the white half-moon may be seen, and the finer skin removed with the +knife or scissors. Occasionally the edges of the nails should be filed, +and the hard skin which forms round the corners of them cut away. The +important point in cutting the nails is to preserve the beauty of their +shape. That beauty, even in details, is worth preserving, I have already +remarked, and we may study it as much in paring our nails, as in the +grace of our attitudes, or any other point. The shape, then, of the nail +should approach, as nearly as possible, to the oblong. The length of the +nail is an open question. Let it be often cut, but always long, in my +opinion. Above all, let it be well cut, and _never_ bitten. + +"Perhaps you tell me these are childish details. Details, yes, but not +childish. The attention to details is the true sign of a great mind, and +he who can in necessity consider the smallest, is the same man who can +compass the largest subjects. Is not life made up of details? Must not +the artist who has conceived a picture, descend from the dream of his +mind to mix colors on a palette? Must not the great commander who is +bowling down nations and setting up monarchies care for the health and +comfort, the bread and beef of each individual soldier? I have often +seen a great poet, whom I knew personally, counting on his fingers the +feet of his verses, and fretting with anything but poetic language, +because he could not get his sense into as many syllables. What if his +nails were dirty? Let genius talk of abstract beauty, and philosophers +dogmatize on order. If they do not keep their nails clean, I shall call +them both charlatans. The man who really loves beauty will cultivate it +in everything around him. The man who upholds order is not conscientious +if he cannot observe it in his nails. The great mind can afford to +descend to details; it is only the weak mind that fears to be narrowed +by them. When Napoleon was at Munich he declined the grand four-poster +of the Witelsbach family, and slept, as usual, in his little camp-bed. +The power to be little is a proof of greatness. + +"For the hands, ears, and neck we want something more than the bath, +and, as these parts are exposed and really lodge fugitive pollutions, we +cannot use too much soap, or give too much trouble to their complete +purification. Nothing is lovelier than a woman's small, white, +shell-like ear; few things reconcile us better to earth than the cold +hand and warm heart of a friend; but, to complete the charm, the hand +should be both clean and soft. Warm water, a liberal use of the +nail-brush, and no stint of soap, produce this amenity far more +effectually than honey, cold cream, and almond paste. Of wearing gloves +I shall speak elsewhere, but for weak people who are troubled with +chilblains, they are indispensable all the year round. I will add a good +prescription for the cure of chilblains, which are both a disfigurement, +and one of the _petites miseres_ of human life. + +"'Roll the fingers in linen bandages, sew them up well, and dip them +twice or thrice a day in a mixture, consisting of half a fluid ounce of +tincture of capsicum, and a fluid ounce of tincture of opium.' + +"The person who invented razors libelled Nature, and added a fresh +misery to the days of man. + +"Whatever _Punch_ may say, the moustache and beard movement is one in +the right direction, proving that men are beginning to appreciate beauty +and to acknowledge that Nature is the best valet. But it is very amusing +to hear men excusing their vanity on the plea of health, and find them +indulging in the hideous 'Newgate frill' as a kind of compromise between +the beard and the razor. There was a time when it was thought a +presumption and vanity to wear one's own hair instead of the frightful +elaborations of the wig-makers, and the false curls which Sir Godfrey +Kneller did his best to make graceful on canvas. Who knows that at some +future age some _Punch_ of the twenty-first century may not ridicule the +wearing of one's own teeth instead of the dentist's? At any rate Nature +knows best, and no man need be ashamed of showing his manhood in the +hair of his face. Of razors and shaving, therefore, I shall only speak +from necessity, because, until everybody is sensible on this point, they +will still be used. + +"Napoleon shaved himself. 'A born king,' said he, 'has another to shave +him. A made king can use his own razor.' But the war he made on his chin +was very different to that he made on foreign potentates. He took a very +long time to effect it, talking between whiles to his hangers-on. The +great man, however, was right, and every sensible man will shave +himself, if only as an exercise of character, for a man should learn to +live, in every detail without assistance. Moreover, in most cases, we +shave ourselves better than barbers can do. If we shave at all, we +should do it thoroughly, and every morning. Nothing, except a frown and +a hay-fever, makes the face look so unlovely as a chin covered with +short stubble. The chief requirements are hot water, a large, soft brush +of badger hair, a good razor, soft soap that will not dry rapidly, and a +steady hand. Cheap razors are a fallacy. They soon lose their edge, and +no amount of stropping will restore it. A good razor needs no strop. If +you can afford it, you should have a case of seven razors, one for each +day of the week, so that no one shall be too much used. There are now +much used packets of papers of a certain kind on which to wipe the +razor, and which keep its edge keen, and are a substitute for the strop. + +"Beards, moustaches, and whiskers, have always been most important +additions to the face. In the present day literary men are much given to +their growth, and in that respect show at once their taste and their +vanity. Let no man be ashamed of his beard, if it be well kept and not +fantastically cut. The moustache should be kept within limits. The +Hungarians wear it so long that they can tie the ends round their heads. +The style of the beard should be adopted to suit the face. A broad face +should wear a large, full one; a long face is improved by a +sharp-pointed one. Taylor, the water poet, wrote verses on the various +styles, and they are almost numberless. The chief point is to keep the +beard well-combed and in neat trim. + +"As to whiskers, it is not every man who can achieve a pair of full +length. There is certainly a great vanity about them, but it may be +generally said that foppishness should be avoided in this as in most +other points. Above all, the whiskers should never be curled, nor pulled +out to an absurd length. Still worse is it to cut them close with the +scissors. The moustache should be neat and not too large, and such +fopperies as cutting the points thereof, or twisting them up to the +fineness of needles--though patronized by the Emperor of the French--are +decidedly a proof of vanity. If a man wear the hair on his face which +nature has given him, in the manner that nature distributes it, keeps it +clean, and prevents its overgrowth, he cannot do wrong. All +extravagances are vulgar, because they are evidence of a pretence to +being better than you are; but a single extravagance unsupported is +perhaps worse than a number together, which have at least the merit of +consistency. If you copy puppies in the half-yard of whisker, you should +have their dress and their manner too, if you would not appear doubly +absurd. + +"The same remarks apply to the arrangement of the hair in men, which +should be as simple and as natural as possible, but at the same time a +little may be granted to beauty and the requirements of the face. For my +part I can see nothing unmanly in wearing long hair, though undoubtedly +it is inconvenient and a temptation to vanity, while its arrangement +would demand an amount of time and attention which is unworthy of a man. +But every nation and every age has had a different custom in this +respect, and to this day even in Europe the hair is sometimes worn long. +The German student is particularly partial to hyacinthine locks curling +over a black velvet coat; and the peasant of Brittany looks very +handsome, if not always clean, with his love-locks hanging straight down +under a broad cavalier hat. Religion has generally taken up the matter +severely. The old fathers preached and railed against wigs, the +Calvinists raised an insurrection in Bordeaux on the same account, and +English Roundheads consigned to an unmentionable place every man who +allowed his hair to grow according to nature. The Romans condemned +tresses as unmanly, and in France in the middle ages the privilege to +wear them was confined to royalty. Our modern custom was a revival of +the French revolution, so that in this respect we are now republican as +well as puritanical. + +"If we conform to fashion we should at least make the best of it, and +since the main advantage of short hair is its neatness, we should take +care to keep ours neat. This should be done first by frequent visits to +the barber, for if the hair is to be short at all it should be very +short, and nothing looks more untidy than long, stiff, uncurled masses +sticking out over the ears. If it curls naturally so much the better, +but if not it will be easier to keep in order. The next point is to wash +the head every morning, which, when once habitual, is a great +preservative against cold. A pair of large brushes, hard or soft, as +your case requires, should be used, not to hammer the head with, but to +pass up under the hair so as to reach the roots. As to pomatum, +Macassar, and other inventions of the hair-dresser, I have only to say +that, if used at all, it should be in moderation, and never sufficiently +to make their scent perceptible in company. Of course the arrangement +will be a matter of individual taste, but as the middle of the hair is +the natural place for a parting, it is rather a silly prejudice to think +a man vain who parts his hair in the centre. He is less blamable than +one who is too lazy to part it at all, and has always the appearance of +having just got up. + +"Of wigs and false hair, the subject of satires and sermons since the +days of the Roman Emperors, I shall say nothing here except that they +are a practical falsehood which may sometimes be necessary, but is +rarely successful. For my part I prefer the snows of life's winter to +the best made peruke, and even a bald head to an inferior wig. + +"When gentlemen wore armor, and disdained the use of their legs, an +esquire was a necessity; and we can understand that, in the days of the +Beaux, the word "gentleman" meant a man and his valet. I am glad to say +that in the present day it only takes one man to make a gentleman, or, +at most, a man and a ninth--that is, including the tailor. It is an +excellent thing for the character to be neat and orderly, and, if a man +neglects to be so in his room, he is open to the same temptation sooner +or later in his person. A dressing-case is, therefore, a desideratum. A +closet to hang up cloth clothes, which should never be folded, and a +small dressing-room next to the bed-room, are not so easily attainable. +But the man who throws his clothes about the room, a boot in one corner, +a cravat in another, and his brushes anywhere, is not a man of good +habits. The spirit of order should extend to everything about him. + +"This brings me to speak of certain necessities of dress; the first of +which I shall take is appropriateness. The age of the individual is an +important consideration in this respect; and a man of sixty is as absurd +in the style of nineteen as a young man in the high cravat of Brummell's +day. I know a gallant colonel who is master of the ceremonies in a gay +watering-place, and who, afraid of the prim old-fashioned _tournure_ of +his _confreres_ in similar localities, is to be seen, though his hair is +gray and his age not under five-and-sixty, in a light cut-away, the +'peg-top' continuations, and a turned-down collar. It may be what +younger blades will wear when they reach his age, but in the present day +the effect is ridiculous. We may, therefore, give as a general rule, +that after the turning-point of life a man should eschew the changes of +fashion in his own attire, while he avoids complaining of it in the +young. In the latter, on the other hand, the observance of these changes +must depend partly on his taste and partly on his position. If wise, he +will adopt with alacrity any new fashions which improve the grace, the +ease, the healthfulness, and the convenience of his garments. He will +be glad of greater freedom in the cut of his cloth clothes, of boots +with elastic sides instead of troublesome buttons or laces, of the +privilege to turn down his collar, and so forth, while he will avoid as +extravagant, elaborate shirt-fronts, gold bindings on the waistcoat, and +expensive buttons. On the other hand, whatever his age, he will have +some respect to his profession and position in society. He will remember +how much the appearance of the man aids a judgment of his character, and +this test, which has often been cried down, is in reality no bad one; +for a man who does not dress appropriately evinces a want of what is +most necessary to professional men--tact and discretion. + +"Position in society demands appropriateness. Well knowing the worldly +value of a good coat, I would yet never recommend a man of limited means +to aspire to a fashionable appearance. In the first place, he becomes +thereby a walking falsehood; in the second, he cannot, without running +into debt, which is another term for dishonesty, maintain the style he +has adopted. As he cannot afford to change his suits as rapidly as +fashion alters, he must avoid following it in varying details. He will +rush into wide sleeves one month, in the hope of being fashionable, and +before his coat is worn out, the next month will bring in a narrow +sleeve. We cannot, unfortunately, like Samuel Pepys, take a long cloak +now-a-days to the tailor's, to be cut into a short one, 'long cloaks +being now quite out,' as he tells us. Even when there is no poverty in +the case, our position must not be forgotten. The tradesman will win +neither customers nor friends by adorning himself in the mode of the +club-lounger, and the clerk, or commercial traveler, who dresses +fashionably, lays himself open to inquiries as to his antecedents, which +he may not care to have investigated. In general, it may be said that +there is vulgarity in dressing like those of a class above us, since it +must be taken as a proof of pretension. + +"As it is bad taste to flaunt the airs of the town among the +provincials, who know nothing of them, it is worse taste to display the +dress of a city in the quiet haunts of the rustics. The law, that all +attempts at distinction by means of dress is vulgar and pretentious, +would be sufficient argument against wearing city fashions in the +country. + +"While in most cases a rougher and easier mode of dress is both +admissible and desirable in the country, there are many occasions of +country visiting where a town man finds it difficult to decide. It is +almost peculiar to the country to unite the amusements of the daytime +with those of the evening; of the open air with those of the +drawing-room. Thus, in the summer, when the days are long, you will be +asked to a pic-nic or an archery party, which will wind up with dancing +in-doors, and may even assume the character of a ball. If you are aware +of this beforehand, it will always be safe to send your evening dress to +your host's house, and you will learn from the servants whether others +have done the same, and whether, therefore, you will not be singular in +asking leave to change your costume. But if you are ignorant how the day +is to end, you must be guided partly by the hour of invitation, and +partly by the extent of your intimacy with the family. I have actually +known gentlemen arrive at a large pic-nic at mid-day in complete evening +dress, and pitied them with all my heart, compelled as they were to +suffer, in tight black clothes, under a hot sun for eight hours, and +dance after all in the same dress. On the other hand, if you are asked +to come an hour or two before sunset, after six in summer, in the autumn +after five, you cannot err by appearing in evening dress. It is always +taken as a compliment to do so, and if your acquaintance with your +hostess is slight, it would be almost a familiarity to do otherwise. In +any case you desire to avoid singularity, so that if you can discover +what others who are invited intend to wear, you can always decide on +your own attire. In Europe there is a convenient rule for these matters; +never appear after four in the afternoon in morning dress; but then gray +trousers are there allowed instead of black, and white waistcoats are +still worn in the evening. At any rate, it is possible to effect a +compromise between the two styles of costume, and if you are likely to +be called upon to dance in the evening, it will be well to wear thin +boots, a black frock-coat, and a small black neck-tie, and to put a pair +of clean white gloves in your pocket. You will thus be at least less +conspicuous in the dancing-room than in a light tweed suit. + +"Not so the distinction to be made according to size. As a rule, tall +men require long clothes--some few perhaps even in the nurse's sense of +those words--and short men short clothes. On the other hand, Falstaff +should beware of Jenny Wren coats and affect ample wrappers, while Peter +Schlemihl, and the whole race of thin men, must eschew looseness as +much in their garments as their morals. + +"Lastly we come to what is appropriate to different occasions, and as +this is an important subject, I shall treat of it separately. For the +present it is sufficient to point out that, while every man should avoid +not only extravagance, but even brilliance of dress on ordinary +occasions, there are some on which he may and ought to pay more +attention to his toilet, and attempt to look gay. Of course, the +evenings are not here meant. For evening dress there is a fixed rule, +from which we can depart only to be foppish or vulgar; but in morning +dress there is greater liberty, and when we undertake to mingle with +those who are assembled avowedly for gayety, we should not make +ourselves remarkable by the dinginess of our dress. Such occasions are +open air entertainments, _fetes_, flower-shows, archery-meetings, +_matinees_, and _id genus omne_, where much of the pleasure to be +derived depends on the general effect on the enjoyers, and where, if we +cannot pump up a look of mirth, we should, at least, if we go at all, +wear the semblance of it in our dress. I have a worthy little friend, +who, I believe, is as well disposed to his kind as Lord Shaftesbury +himself, but who, for some reason, perhaps a twinge of philosophy about +him, frequents the gay meetings to which he is asked in an old coat and +a wide-awake. Some people take him for a wit, but he soon shows that he +does not aspire to that character; others for a philosopher, but he is +too good-mannered for that; others, poor man! pronounce him a cynic, and +all are agreed that whatever he may be, he looks out of place, and +spoils the general effect. I believe, in my heart, that he is the +mildest of men, but will not take the trouble to dress more than once a +day. At any rate, he has a character for eccentricity, which, I am sure, +is precisely what he would wish to avoid. That character is a most +delightful one for a bachelor, and it is generally Coelebs who holds it, +for it has been proved by statistics that there are four single to one +married man among the inhabitants of our madhouses; but eccentricity +yields a reputation which requires something to uphold it, and even in +Diogenes of the Tub it was extremely bad taste to force himself into +Plato's evening party without sandals, and nothing but a dirty tunic on +him. + +"Another requisite in dress is its simplicity, with which I may couple +harmony of color. This simplicity is the only distinction which a man of +taste should aspire to in the matter of dress, but a simplicity in +appearance must proceed from a nicety in reality. One should not be +simply ill-dressed, but simply well-dressed. Lord Castlereagh would +never have been pronounced the most distinguished man in the gay court +of Vienna, because he wore no orders or ribbons among hundreds decorated +with a profusion of those vanities, but because besides this he was +dressed with taste. The charm of Brummell's dress was its simplicity; +yet it cost him as much thought, time, and care as the portfolio of a +minister. The rules of simplicity, therefore, are the rules of taste. +All extravagance, all splendor, and all profusion must be avoided. The +colors, in the first place, must harmonize both with our complexion and +with one another; perhaps most of all with the color of our hair. All +bright colors should be avoided, such as red, yellow, sky-blue, and +bright green. Perhaps only a successful Australian gold digger would +think of choosing such colors for his coat, waistcoat, or trousers; but +there are hundreds of young men who might select them for their gloves +and neck-ties. The deeper colors are, some how or other, more manly, and +are certainly less striking. The same simplicity should be studied in +the avoidance of ornamentation. A few years ago it was the fashion to +trim the evening waistcoat with a border of gold lace. This is an +example of fashions always to be rebelled against. Then, too, +extravagance in the form of our dress is a sin against taste. I remember +that long ribbons took the place of neck-ties some years ago. At a +commemoration, two friends of mine determined to cut a figure in this +matter, having little else to distinguish them. The one wore two yards +of bright pink; the other the same quantity of bright blue ribbon, round +their necks. I have reason to believe they think now that they both +looked superbly ridiculous. In the same way, if the trousers are worn +wide, we should not wear them as loose as a Turk's; or, if the sleeves +are to be open, we should not rival the ladies in this matter. And so on +through a hundred details, generally remembering that to exaggerate a +fashion is to assume a character, and therefore vulgar. The wearing of +jewelry comes under this head. Jewels are an ornament to women, but a +blemish to men. They bespeak either effeminacy or a love of display. The +hand of a man is honored in working, for labor is his mission; and the +hand that wears its riches on its fingers, has rarely worked honestly +to win them. The best jewel a man can wear is his honor. Let that be +bright and shining, well set in prudence, and all others must darken +before it. But as we are savages, and must have some silly trickery to +hang about us, a little, but very little concession may be made to our +taste in this respect. I am quite serious when I disadvise you from the +use of nose-rings, gold anklets, and hat-bands studded with jewels; for +when I see an incredulous young man of the nineteenth century, dangling +from his watch-chain a dozen silly 'charms' (often the only ones he +possesses), which have no other use than to give a fair coquette a +legitimate subject on which to approach to closer intimacy, and which +are revived from the lowest superstitions of dark ages, and sometimes +darker races, I am quite justified in believing that some South African +chieftain, sufficiently rich to cut a dash, might introduce with success +the most peculiar fashions of his own country. However this may be, +there are already sufficient extravagances prevalent among our young men +to attack. + +"The man of good taste will wear as little jewelry as possible. One +handsome signet-ring on the little finger of the left hand, a scarf-pin +which is neither large, nor showy, nor too intricate in its design, and +a light, rather thin watch-guard with a cross-bar, are all that he ought +to wear. But, if he aspires to more than this, he should observe the +following rules:-- + +"1. Let everything be real and good. False jewelry is not only a +practical lie, but an absolute vulgarity, since its use arises from an +attempt to appear richer or grander than its wearer is. + +"2. Let it be simple. Elaborate studs, waistcoat-buttons, and +wrist-links, are all abominable. The last, particularly, should be as +plain as possible, consisting of plain gold ovals, with, at most, the +crest engraved upon them. Diamonds and brilliants are quite unsuitable +to men, whose jewelry should never be conspicuous. If you happen to +possess a single diamond of great value you may wear it on great +occasions as a ring, but no more than one ring should ever be worn by a +gentleman. + +"3. Let it be distinguished rather by its curiosity than its brilliance. +An antique or bit of old jewelry possesses more interest, particularly +if you are able to tell its history, than the most splendid production +of the goldsmith's shop. + +"4. Let it harmonize with the colors of your dress. + +"5. Let it have some use. Men should never, like women, wear jewels for +mere ornament, whatever may be the fashion of Hungarian noblemen, and +deposed Indian rajahs with jackets covered with rubies. + +"The precious stones are reserved for ladies, and even our scarf-pins +are more suitable without them. + +"The dress that is both appropriate and simple can never offend, nor +render its wearer conspicuous, though it may distinguish him for his +good taste. But it will not be pleasing unless clean and fresh. We +cannot quarrel with a poor gentleman's thread-bare coat, if his linen be +pure, and we see that he has never attempted to dress beyond his means +or unsuitably to his station. But the sight of decayed gentility and +dilapidated fashion may call forth our pity, and, at the same time +prompt a moral: 'You have evidently sunken;' we say to ourselves; 'But +whose fault was it? Am I not led to suppose that the extravagance which +you evidently once revelled in has brought you to what I now see you?' +While freshness is essential to being well-dressed, it will be a +consolation to those who cannot afford a heavy tailor's bill, to reflect +that a visible newness in one's clothes is as bad as patches and darns, +and to remember that there have been celebrated dressers who would never +put on a new coat till it had been worn two or three times by their +valets. On the other hand, there is no excuse for untidiness, holes in +the boots, a broken hat, torn gloves, and so on. Indeed, it is better to +wear no gloves at all than a pair full of holes. There is nothing to be +ashamed of in bare hands, if they are clean, and the poor can still +afford to have their shirts and shoes mended, and their hats ironed. It +is certainly better to show signs of neatness than the reverse, and you +need sooner be ashamed of a hole than a darn. + +"Of personal cleanliness I have spoken at such length that little need +be said on that of the clothes. If you are economical with your tailor, +you can be extravagant with your laundress. The beaux of forty years +back put on three shirts a day, but except in hot weather one is +sufficient. Of course, if you change your dress in the evening you must +change your shirt too. There has been a great outcry against colored +flannel shirts in the place of linen, and the man who can wear one for +three days is looked on as little better than St. Simeon Stylites. I +should like to know how often the advocates of linen change their own +under-flannel, and whether the same rule does not apply to what is seen +as to what is concealed. But while the flannel is perhaps healthier as +absorbing the moisture more rapidly, the linen has the advantage of +_looking_ cleaner, and may therefore be preferred. As to economy, if the +flannel costs less to wash, it also wears out sooner; but, be this as it +may, a man's wardrobe is not complete without half a dozen or so of +these shirts, which he will find most useful, and ten times more +comfortable than linen in long excursions, or when exertion will be +required. Flannel, too, has the advantage of being warm in winter and +cool in summer, for, being a non-conductor, but a retainer of heat, it +protects the body from the sun, and, on the other hand, shields it from +the cold. But the best shirt of all, particularly in winter, is that +which wily monks and hermits pretended to wear for a penance, well +knowing that they could have no garment cooler, more comfortable, or +more healthy. I mean, of course, the rough hair-shirt. Like flannel, it +is a non-conductor of heat; but then, too, it acts the part of a +shampooer, and with its perpetual friction soothes the surface of the +skin, and prevents the circulation from being arrested at any one point +of the body. Though I doubt if any of my readers will take a hint from +the wisdom of the merry anchorites, they will perhaps allow me to +suggest that the next best thing to wear next the skin is flannel, and +that too of the coarsest description. + +"Quantity is better than quality in linen. Nevertheless it should be +fine and well spun. The loose cuff, which we borrowed from the French +some four years ago, is a great improvement on the old tight wrist-band, +and, indeed, it must be borne in mind that anything which binds any +part of the body tightly impedes the circulation, and is therefore +unhealthy as well as ungraceful. + +"The necessity for a large stock of linen depends on a rule far better +than Brummell's, of three shirts a day, viz:-- + +"Change your linen whenever it is at all dirty. + +"This is the best guide with regard to collars, socks, +pocket-handkerchiefs, and our under garments. No rule can be laid down +for the number we should wear per week, for everything depends on +circumstances. Thus in the country all our linen remains longer clean +than in town; in dirty, wet, or dusty weather, our socks get soon dirty +and must be changed; or, if we have a cold, to say nothing of the +possible but not probable case of tear-shedding on the departure of +friends, we shall want more than one pocket-handkerchief per diem. In +fact, the last article of modern civilization is put to so many uses, is +so much displayed, and liable to be called into action on so many +various engagements, that we should always have a clean one in our +pockets. Who knows when it may not serve us is in good stead? Who can +tell how often the corner of the delicate cambric will have to represent +a tear which, like difficult passages in novels is 'left to the +imagination.' Can a man of any feeling call on a disconsolate widow, for +instance, and listen to her woes, without at least pulling out that +expressive appendage? Can any one believe in our sympathy if the article +in question is a dirty one? There are some people who, like the clouds, +only exist to weep; and King Solomon, though not one of them, has given +them great encouragement in speaking of the house of mourning. We are +bound to weep with them, and we are bound to weep elegantly. + +"A man whose dress is neat, clean, simple, and appropriate, will pass +muster anywhere. + +"A well-dressed man does not require so much an extensive as a varied +wardrobe. He wants a different costume for every season and every +occasion; but if what he selects is simple rather than striking, he may +appear in the same clothes as often as he likes, as long as they are +fresh and appropriate to the season and the object. There are four kinds +of coats which he must have: a morning-coat, a frock-coat, a dress-coat, +and an over-coat. An economical man may do well with four of the first, +and one of each of the others per annum. The dress of a gentleman in the +present day should not cost him more than the tenth part of his income +on an average. But as fortunes vary more than position, if his income is +large it will take a much smaller proportion, if small a larger one. If +a man, however, mixes in society, and I write for those who do so, there +are some things which are indispensable to even the proper dressing, and +every occasion will have its proper attire. + +"In his own house then, and in the morning, there is no reason why he +should not wear out his old clothes. Some men take to the delightful +ease of a dressing-gown and slippers; and if bachelors, they do well. If +family men, it will probably depend on whether the lady or the gentleman +wears the pantaloons. The best walking-dress for a non-professional man +is a suit of tweed of the same color, ordinary boots, gloves not too +dark for the coat, a scarf with a pin in winter, or a small tie of one +color in summer, a respectable black hat and a cane. The last item is +perhaps the most important, and though its use varies with fashion, I +confess I am sorry when I see it go out. The best substitute for a +walking-stick is an umbrella, _not_ a parasol unless it be given you by +a lady to carry. The main point of the walking-dress is the harmony of +colors, but this should not be carried to the extent of M. de Maltzan, +who some years ago made a bet to wear nothing but pink at Baden-Baden +for a whole year, and had boots and gloves of the same lively hue. He +won his wager, but also the soubriquet of 'Le Diable enflamme.' The +walking-dress should vary according to the place and hour. In the +country or at the sea-side a straw hat or wide-awake may take the place +of the beaver, and the nuisance of gloves be even dispensed with in the +former. But in the city where a man is supposed to make visits as well +as lounge in the street, the frock coat of very dark blue or black, or a +black cloth cut-away, the white waistcoat, and lavender gloves, are +almost indispensable. Very thin boots should be avoided at all times, +and whatever clothes one wears they should be well brushed. The shirt, +whether seen or not, should be quite plain. The shirt collar should +never have a color on it, but it may be stiff or turned down according +as the wearer is Byronically or Brummellically disposed. The scarf, if +simple and of modest colors, is perhaps the best thing we can wear round +the neck; but if a neck-tie is preferred it should not be too long, nor +tied in too stiff and studied a manner. The cane should be extremely +simple, a mere stick in fact, with no gold head, and yet for the town +not rough, thick, or clumsy. The frock-coat should be ample and loose, +and a tall well-built man may throw it back. At any rate, it should +never be buttoned up. Great-coats should be buttoned up, of a dark +color, not quite black, longer than the frock-coat, but never long +enough to reach the ankles. If you have visits to make you should do +away with the great-coat, if the weather allows you to do so. The +frock-coat, or black cut-away, with a white waistcoat in summer, is the +best dress for making calls in. + +"It is simple nonsense to talk of modern civilization, and rejoice that +the cruelties of the dark ages can never be perpetrated in these days +and this country. I maintain that they are perpetrated freely, +generally, daily, with the consent of the wretched victim himself, in +the compulsion to wear evening clothes. Is there anything at once more +comfortless or more hideous? Let us begin with what the delicate call +limb-covers, which we are told were the invention of the Gauls, but I am +inclined to think, of a much worse race, for it is clearly an +anachronism to ascribe the discovery to a Venetian called Piantaleone, +and it can only have been Inquisitors or demons who inflicted this +scourge on the race of man, and his ninth-parts, the tailors, for I take +it that both are equally bothered by the tight pantaloon. Let us pause +awhile over this unsightly garment, and console ourselves with the +reflection that as every country, and almost every year, has a different +fashion in its make of it, we may at last be emancipated from it +altogether, or at least be able to wear it _a la Turque_. + +"But it is not all trousers that I rebel against. If I might wear linen +appendices in summer, and fur continuations in winter, I would not +groan, but it is the evening-dress that inflicts on the man who likes +society the necessity of wearing the same trying cloth all the year +round, so that under Boreas he catches colds, and under the dog-star he +melts. This unmentionable, but most necessary disguise of the 'human +form divine,' is one that never varies in this country, and therefore I +must lay down the rule:-- + +"For all evening wear--black cloth trousers. + +"But the tortures of evening dress do not end with our lower limbs. Of +all the iniquities perpetrated under the Reign of Terror, none has +lasted so long as that of the strait-jacket, which was palmed off on the +people as a 'habit de compagnie.' If it were necessary to sing a hymn of +praise to Robespierre, Marat, and Co., I would rather take the +guillotine as my subject to extol than the swallow tail. And yet we +endure the stiffness, unsightliness, uncomfortableness, and want of +grace of the latter, with more resignation than that with which +Charlotte Corday put her beautiful neck into the 'trou d'enfer' of the +former. Fortunately modern republicanism has triumphed over ancient +etiquette, and the tail-coat of to-day is looser and more easy than it +was twenty years ago. I can only say, let us never strive to make it +bearable, till we have abolished it. Let us abjure such vulgarities as +silk collars, white silk linings, and so forth, which attempt to +beautify this monstrosity, as a hangman might wreathe his gallows with +roses. The plainer the manner in which you wear your misery, the +better. + +"Then, again, the black waistcoat, stiff, tight, and comfortless. Fancy +Falstaff in a ball-dress such as we now wear. No amount of embroidery, +gold-trimmings, or jewel-buttons will render such an infliction grateful +to the mass. The best plan is to wear thorough mourning for your +wretchedness. In France and America, the cooler white waistcoat is +admitted. However, as we have it, let us make the best of it, and not +parade our misery by hideous ornamentation. The only evening waistcoat +for all purposes for a man of taste is one of simple black, with the +simplest possible buttons. + +"These three items never vary for dinner-party, muffin-worry, or ball. +The only distinction allowed is in the neck-tie. For dinner, the opera, +and balls, this must be white, and the smaller the better. It should be +too, of a washable texture, not silk, nor netted, nor hanging down, nor +of any foppish production, but a simple, white tie, without embroidery. +The black tie is admitted for evening parties, and should be equally +simple. The shirt-front, which figures under the tie should be plain, +with unpretending small plaits. The glove must be white, not yellow. +Recently, indeed, a fashion has sprung up of wearing lavender gloves in +the evening. They are economical, and as all economy is an abomination, +must be avoided. Gloves should always be worn at a ball. At a +dinner-party in town they should be worn on entering the room, and drawn +off for dinner. While, on the one hand, we must avoid the awkwardness of +a gallant sea-captain who, wearing no gloves at a dance, excused himself +to his partner by saying, 'Never mind, miss, I can wash my hands when +I've done dancing,' we have no need, in the present day, to copy the +Roman gentleman mentioned by Athenaeus, who wore gloves at dinner that he +might pick his meat from the hot dishes more rapidly than the +bare-handed guests. As to gloves at tea-parties and so forth, we are +generally safer with than without them. If it is quite a small party, we +may leave them in our pocket, and in the country they are scarcely +expected to be worn; but 'touch not a cat but with a glove;' you are +always safer with them. + +"I must not quit this subject without assuring myself that my reader +knows more about it now than he did before. In fact I have taken one +thing for granted, viz., that he knows what it is to be dressed, and +what undressed. Of course I do not suppose him to be in the blissful +state of ignorance on the subject once enjoyed by our first parents. I +use the words 'dressed' and 'undressed' rather in the sense meant by a +military tailor, or a cook with reference to a salad. You need not be +shocked. I am one of those people who wear spectacles for fear of seeing +anything with the naked eye. I am the soul of scrupulosity. But I am +wondering whether everybody arranges his wardrobe as our ungrammatical +nurses used to do ours, under the heads of 'best, second-best, +third-best,' and so on, and knows what things ought to be placed under +each. To be 'undressed' is to be dressed for work and ordinary +occupations, to wear a coat which you do not fear to spoil, and a +neck-tie which your ink-stand will not object to, but your acquaintance +might. To be 'dressed,' on the other hand, since by dress we show our +respect for society at large, or the persons with whom we are to +mingle, is to be clothed in the garments which the said society +pronounces as suitable to particular occasions; so that evening dress in +the morning, morning dress in the evening, and top boots and a red coat +for walking, may all be called 'undress,' if not positively 'bad dress.' +But there are shades of being 'dressed;' and a man is called 'little +dressed,' 'well dressed,' and 'much dressed,' not according to the +quantity but the quality of his coverings. + +"To be 'little dressed,' is to wear old things, of a make that is no +longer the fashion, having no pretension to elegance, artistic beauty, +or ornament. It is also to wear lounging clothes on occasions which +demand some amount of precision. To be 'much dressed' is to be in the +extreme of the fashion, with bran new clothes, jewelry, and ornaments, +with a touch of extravagance and gaiety in your colors. Thus to wear +patent leather boots and yellow gloves in a quiet morning stroll is to +be much dressed, and certainly does not differ immensely from being +badly dressed. To be 'well dressed' is the happy medium between these +two, which is not given to every one to hold, inasmuch as good taste is +rare, and is a _sine qua non_ thereof. Thus while you avoid ornament and +all fastness, you must cultivate fashion, that is _good_ fashion, in the +make of your clothes. A man must not be made by his tailor, but should +make him, educate him, give him his own good taste. To be well dressed +is to be dressed precisely as the occasion, place, weather, your height, +figure, position, age, and, remember it, your _means_ require. It is to +be clothed without peculiarity, pretension, or eccentricity; without +violent colors, elaborate ornament, or senseless fashions, introduced, +often, by tailors for their own profit. Good dressing is to wear as +little jewelry as possible, to be scrupulously neat, clean, and fresh, +and to carry your clothes as if you did not give them a thought. + +"Then, too, there is a scale of honor among clothes, which must not be +forgotten. Thus, a new coat is more honorable than an old one, a +cut-away or shooting-coat than a dressing-gown, a frock-coat than a +cut-away, a dark blue frock-coat than a black frock-coat, a tail-coat +than a frock-coat. There is no honor at all in a blue tail-coat, +however, except on a gentleman of eighty, accompanied with brass buttons +and a buff waistcoat. There is more honor in an old hunting-coat than in +a new one, in a uniform with a bullet hole in it than one without, in a +fustian jacket and smock-frock than in a frock-coat, because they are +types of labor, which is far more honorable than lounging. Again, light +clothes are generally placed above dark ones, because they cannot be so +long worn, and are, therefore, proofs of expenditure, _alias_ money, +which in this world is a commodity more honored than every other; but, +on the other hand, tasteful dress is always more honorable than that +which has only cost much. Light gloves are more esteemed than dark ones, +and the prince of glove-colors is, undeniably, lavender. + +"'I should say Jones was a fast man,' said a friend to me one day, 'for +he wears a white hat.' If this idea of my companion's be right, fastness +may be said to consist mainly in peculiarity. There is certainly only +one step from the sublimity of fastness to the ridiculousness of +snobbery, and it is not always easy to say where the one ends and the +other begins. A dandy, on the other hand, is the clothes on a man, not a +man in clothes, a living lay figure who displays much dress, and is +quite satisfied if you praise it without taking heed of him. A bear is +in the opposite extreme; never dressed enough, and always very roughly; +but he is almost as bad as the other, for he sacrifices everything to +his ease and comfort. The off-hand style of dress only suits an off-hand +character. It was, at one time, the fashion to affect a certain +negligence, which was called poetic, and supposed to be the result of +genius. An ill-tied, if not positively untied cravat was a sure sign of +an unbridled imagination; and a waistcoat was held together by one +button only, as if the swelling soul in the wearer's bosom had burst all +the rest. If, in addition to this, the hair was unbrushed and curly, you +were certain of passing for a 'man of soul.' I should not recommend any +young gentleman to adopt this style, unless, indeed, he can mouth a +great deal, and has a good stock of quotations from the poets. It is of +no use to show me the clouds, unless I can positively see you in them, +and no amount of negligence in your dress and person will convince me +you are a genius, unless you produce an octavo volume of poems published +by yourself. I confess I am glad that the _neglige_ style, so common in +novels of ten years back, has been succeeded by neatness. What we want +is real ease in the clothes, and, for my part, I should rejoice to see +the Knickerbocker style generally adopted. + +"Besides the ordinary occasions treated of before, there are several +special occasions requiring a change of dress. Most of our sports, +together with marriage (which some people include in sports), come under +this head. Now, the less change we make the better in the present day, +particularly in the sports, where, if we are dressed with scrupulous +accuracy, we are liable to be subjected to a comparison between our +clothes and our skill. A man who wears a red coat to hunt in, should be +able to hunt, and not sneak through gates or dodge over gaps. A few +remarks on dresses worn in different sports may be useful. Having laid +down the rule that a strict accuracy of sporting costume is no longer in +good taste, we can dismiss shooting and fishing at once, with the +warning that we must not dress _well_ for either. An old coat with large +pockets, gaiters in one case, and, if necessary, large boots in the +other, thick shoes at any rate, a wide-awake, and a well-filled bag or +basket at the end of the day, make up a most respectable sportsman of +the lesser kind. Then for cricket you want nothing more unusual than +flannel trousers, which should be quite plain, unless your club has +adopted some colored stripe thereon, a colored flannel shirt of no very +violent hue, the same colored cap, shoes with spikes in them, and a +great coat. + +"For hunting, lastly, you have to make more change, if only to insure +your own comfort and safety. Thus cord-breeches and some kind of boots +are indispensable. So are spurs, so a hunting-whip or crop; so too, if +you do not wear a hat, is the strong round cap that is to save your +valuable skull from cracking if you are thrown on your head. Again, I +should pity the man who would attempt to hunt in a frock-coat or a +dress-coat; and a scarf with a pin in it is much more convenient than a +tie. But beyond these you need nothing out of the common way, but a +pocketful of money. The red coat, for instance, is only worn by regular +members of a hunt, and boys who ride over the hounds and like to display +their 'pinks.' In any case you are better with an ordinary riding-coat +of dark color, though undoubtedly the red is prettier in the field. If +you _will_ wear the latter, see that it is cut square, for the +swallow-tail is obsolete, and worn only by the fine old boys who +'hunted, sir, fifty years ago, sir, when I was a boy of fifteen, sir. +Those _were_ hunting days, sir; such runs and such leaps.' Again, your +'cords' should be light in color and fine in quality; your waistcoat, if +with a red coat, quite light too; your scarf of cashmere, of a buff +color, and fastened with a small simple gold pin; your hat should be +old, and your cap of dark green or black velvet, plated inside, and with +a small stiff peak, should be made to look old. Lastly, for a choice of +boots. The Hessians are more easily cleaned, and therefore less +expensive to keep; the 'tops' are more natty. Brummell, who cared more +for the hunting-dress than the hunting itself, introduced the fashion of +pipe-claying the tops of the latter, but the old original 'mahoganies,' +of which the upper leathers are simply polished, seem to be coming into +fashion again." + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MANLY EXERCISES. + + +Bodily exercise is one of the most important means provided by nature +for the maintenance of health, and in order to prove the advantages of +exercise, we must show what is to be exercised, why exercise is +necessary, and the various modes in which it may be taken. + +The human body may be regarded as a wonderful machine, the various parts +of which are so wonderfully adapted to each other, that if one be +disturbed all must suffer. The bones and muscles are the parts of the +human frame on which motion depends. There are four hundred muscles in +the body; each one has certain functions to perform, which cannot be +disturbed without danger to the whole. They assist the tendons in +keeping the bones in their places, and put them in motion. Whether we +walk or run, sit or stoop, bend the arm or head, or chew our food, we +may be said to open and shut a number of hinges, or ball and socket +joints. And it is a wise provision of nature, that, to a certain extent, +the more the muscles are exercised, the stronger do they become; hence +it is that laborers and artisans are stronger and more muscular than +those persons whose lives are passed in easy occupations or +professional duties. + +Besides strengthening the limbs, muscular exercise has a most beneficial +influence on respiration and the circulation of the blood. The larger +blood-vessels are generally placed deep among the muscles, consequently +when the latter are put into motion, the blood is driven through the +arteries and veins with much greater rapidity than when there is no +exercise; it is more completely purified, as the action of the +insensible perspiration is promoted, which relieves the blood of many +irritating matters, chiefly carbonic acid and certain salts, taken up in +its passage through the system, and a feeling of lightness and +cheerfulness is diffused over body and mind. + +We have said that a good state of health depends in a great measure on +the proper exercise of _all the muscles_. But on looking at the greater +portion of our industrial population,--artisans and workers in factories +generally--we find them, in numerous instances, standing or sitting in +forced or unnatural positions, using only a few of their muscles, while +the others remain, comparatively speaking, unused or inactive. Sawyers, +filers, tailors, and many others may be easily recognized as they walk +the streets, by the awkward movement and bearing impressed upon them by +long habit. The stooping position especially tells most fatally upon the +health; weavers, shoemakers, and cotton-spinners have generally a sallow +and sickly appearance, very different from that of those whose +occupation does not require them to stoop, or to remain long in a +hurtful posture. Their common affections are indigestion and dull +headache, with giddiness especially during summer. They attribute their +complaints to two causes, one of which is the posture of the body, bent +for twelve or thirteen hours a day, the other the heat of the +working-room. + +Besides the trades above enumerated, there are many others productive of +similar evils by the position into which they compel workmen, or by the +close and confined places in which they are carried on; and others, +again, in their very natures injurious. Plumbers and painters suffer +from the noxious materials which they are constantly using, grinders and +filers from dust, and bakers from extremes of temperature and irregular +hours. Wherever there is physical depression, there is a disposition to +resort to injurious stimulants; and "the time of relief from work is +generally spent, not in invigorating the animal frame, but in +aggravating complaints, and converting functional into organic disease." + +But there are others who suffer from artificial poisons and defective +exercise as well as artisans and operatives--the numerous class of +shopkeepers; the author above quoted says, "Week after week passes +without affording them one pure inspiration. Often, also, they have not +exercise even in the open air of the town; a furlong's walk to church on +Sunday being the extent of their rambles. When they have the opportunity +they want the inclination for exercise. The father is anxious about his +trade or his family, the mother is solicitous about her children. Each +has little taste for recreation or amusement." The various disorders, +generally known under the name of indigestion, disorders dependant on a +want of circulation of blood through the bowels, biliary derangements, +and headache, are well known to be the general attendants on trade, +closely pursued. Indeed, in almost every individual, this absorbing +principle produces one or other of the various maladies to which I have +alluded. + +The great remedy for the evils here pointed out is bodily exercise, of +some kind, every day, and as much as possible in the open air. An +opinion prevails that an occasional walk is sufficient to maintain the +balance of health; but if the intervals of inaction be too long, the +good effect of one walk is lost before another is taken. Regularity and +sufficiency are to be as much regarded in exercise as in eating or +sleeping. Sir James Clark says, that "the exercise which is to benefit +the system generally, must be in the open air, and extend to the whole +muscular system. Without regular exercise out of doors, no young person +can continue long healthy; and it is the duty of parents in fixing their +children at boarding schools to ascertain that sufficient time is +occupied daily in this way. They may be assured that attention to this +circumstance is quite as essential to the moral and physical health of +their children, as any branch of education which they may be taught." + +Exercise, however, must be regulated by certain rules, the principal of +which is, to avoid carrying it to excess--to proportion it always to the +state of health and habit of the individual. Persons of short breath +predisposed to determination of blood to the head, subject to +palpitation of the heart, or general weakness, are not to believe that a +course of severe exercise will do them good; on the contrary, many +serious results often follow over-fatigue. For the same reason it is +desirable to avoid active exertion immediately after a full meal, as the +foundation of heart diseases is sometimes laid by leaping or running +after eating. The great object should be so to blend exercise and +repose, as to ensure the highest possible amount of bodily vigor. It +must be recollected that exhausted muscles can be restored only by the +most perfect rest. + +In the next place, it is a mistake to consider the labor of the day as +equivalent to exercise. Work, generally speaking, is a mere routine +process, carried on with but little variety of circumstances, in a +confined atmosphere, and in a temperature frequently more exhaustive +than restorative. The workman requires something more than this to keep +him in health; he must have exercise as often as possible in the open +air,--in fields, parks, or pleasure grounds; but if these are not at his +command, the streets of the town are always open to him, and a walk in +these is better than no walk at all. The mere change of scene is +beneficial, and in walking he generally sets in motion a different set +of muscles from those he has used while at work. + +To derive the greatest amount of good from exercise, it must be combined +with amusement, and be made pleasureable and recreative. This important +fact ought never to be lost sight of, since to ignorance of it alone we +owe many of the evils which afflict society. And it would be well if +those who have been accustomed to look on social amusements as +destructive of the morals of the people, would consider how much good +may be done by giving the mind a direction which, while promotive of +health, would fill it with cheerfulness and wean it from debasing +habits. The character of our sports at the present time, partake but +little of the robust and boisterous spirit of our forefathers; but with +the refinement of amusements, the opportunity for enjoying them has been +grievously diminished. Cheering signs of a better state of things are, +however, visible in many quarters, and we trust that the good work will +be carried on until the whole of our population shall be in possession +of the means and leisure for pleasurable recreation. + +While indulging in the recreative sports which are to restore and +invigorate us, we must be mindful of the many points of etiquette and +kindness which will do much, if properly attended to, to promote the +enjoyment of our exercise, and we propose to review the principal +exercises used among us, and to point out in what places the delicate +and gentlemanly attention to our companions will do the most to +establish, for the person who practices them, the reputation of a +polished gentleman. + + +RIDING. + +There are no amusements, probably, which give us so wide a scope for the +rendering of attention to a friend as riding and driving. Accompanied, +as we may be at any time, by timid companions, the power to convince +them, by the management of the horse we ride, and the watch kept at the +same time on theirs, that we are competent to act the part of companion +and guardian, will enable us to impart to them a great degree of +reliance on us, and will, by lessening their fear do much to enhance +the enjoyment of the excursion. + +With ladies, in particular, a horseman cannot be too careful to display +a regard for the fears of their companions, and by a constant watch on +all the horses in the cavalcade, to show at once his ability and +willingness to assist his companions. + +There are few persons, comparatively speaking, even among those who ride +often, who can properly assist a lady in mounting her horse. An +over-anxiety to help a lady as gracefully as possible, generally results +in a nervous trembling effort which is exceedingly disagreeable to the +lady, and, at the same time, dangerous; for were the horse to shy or +start, he could not be so easily quieted by a nervous man as by one who +was perfectly cool. In the mount the lady must gather her skirt into her +left hand, and stand close to the horse, her face toward his head, and +her right hand resting on the pommel. The gentleman, having asked +permission to assist her, stands at the horse's shoulder, facing the +lady, and stooping low, he places his right hand at a proper elevation +from the ground. The lady then places her left foot on the gentleman's +palm, and as he raises his hand she springs slightly on her right foot, +and thus reaches the saddle. The gentleman must not jerk his hand +upward, but lift it with a gentle motion. This method of mounting is +preferable to a step or horse-block. Keep a _firm_ hand, for a sinking +foot-hold will diminish the confidence of a lady in her escort, and, in +many cases cause her unnecessary alarm while mounting. To any one who is +likely to be called on to act as cavalier to ladies in horse-back +excursions, we would recommend the following practice: Saddle a horse +with a side saddle, and ask a gentleman friend to put on the skirt of a +lady's habit, and with him, practice the mounting and dismounting until +you have thoroughly conquered any difficulties you may have experienced +at first. + +After the seat is first taken by the lady, the gentleman should always +stand at the side of the lady's horse until she is firmly fixed in the +saddle, has a good foot-hold on the stirrup, and has the reins and whip +well in hand. Having ascertained that his companion is firmly and +comfortably fixed in the saddle, the gentleman should mount his horse +and take his riding position on the right or "off" side of the lady's +horse, so that, in case of the horse's shying in such a way as to bring +him against the other horse, the lady will suffer no inconvenience. In +riding with two ladies there are two rules in regard to the gentleman's +position. + +If both ladies are good riders, they should ride side by side, the +ladies to the left; but, if the contrary should be the case, the +gentleman should ride _between_ the ladies in order to be ready in a +moment to assist either in case of one of the horses becoming difficult +to manage. Before allowing a lady to mount, the entire furniture of her +horse should be carefully examined by her escort. The saddle and girths +should be tested to see if they are firm, the stirrup leather examined, +in case of the tongue of the buckle being in danger of slipping out by +not being well buckled at first, and most particularly the bridle, curb, +headstall, and reins should be carefully and thoroughly examined, for on +them depends the entire control of the horse. These examinations should +_never_ be left to the stablehelps, as the continual harnessing of +horses by them often leads to a loose and careless way of attending to +such matters, which, though seemingly trivial, may lead to serious +consequences. + +On the road, the constant care of the gentleman should be to render the +ride agreeable to his companion, by the pointing out of objects of +interest with which she may not be acquainted, the reference to any +peculiar beauty of landscape which may have escaped her notice, and a +general lively tone of conversation, which will, if she be timid, draw +her mind from the fancied dangers of horseback riding, and render her +excursion much more agreeable than if she be left to imagine horrors +whenever her horse may prick up his ears or whisk his tail. And, while +thus conversing, keep an eye always on the lady's horse, so that in case +he should really get frightened, you may be ready by your instruction +and assistance to aid the lady in quieting his fears. + +In dismounting you should offer your right hand to the lady's left, and +allow her to use _your_ left as a step to dismount on, gently declining +it as soon as the lady has left her seat on the saddle, and just before +she springs. Many ladies spring from the saddle, but this generally +confuses the gentleman and is dangerous to the lady, for the horse _may_ +move at the instant she springs, which would inevitably throw her +backward and might result in a serious injury. + + +DRIVING. + +In the indulgence of this beautiful pastime there are many points of +care and attention to be observed; they will render to the driver +himself much gratification by the confidence they will inspire in his +companion, by having the knowledge that he or she is being driven by a +careful horseman, and thus knowing that half of what danger may attend +the pleasure, is removed. + +On reaching the door of your companion's residence, whom we will suppose +to be in this case a lady,--though the same attention may well be +extended to a gentleman,--drive close to the mounting-block or curb, and +by heading your horse toward the middle of the road, and slightly +backing the wagon, separate the fore and hind wheels on the side next +the block as much as possible. This gives room for the lady to ascend +into the wagon without soiling her dress by rubbing against either tire, +and also gives the driver room to lean over and tuck into the wagon any +part of a lady's dress that may hang out after she is seated. + +In assisting the lady to ascend into the wagon, the best and safest way +is to tie the horse firmly to a hitching-post or tree, and then to give +to your companion the aid of both your hands; but, in case of there +being no post to which you can make the rein fast, the following rule +may be adopted: + +Grasp the reins firmly with one hand, and draw them just tight enough to +let the horse feel that they are held, and with the other hand assist +the lady; under _no_ circumstances, even with the most quiet horse, +should you place a lady in your vehicle without _any_ hold on the horse, +for, although many horses would stand perfectly quiet, the whole race of +them are timid, and any sudden noise or motion may start them, in which +case the life of your companion may be endangered. In the light _no-top_ +or _York_ wagon, which is now used almost entirely for pleasure drives, +the right hand cushion should always be higher by three or four inches +than the left, for it raises the person driving, thus giving him more +control, and renders the lady's seat more comfortable and more safe. It +is a mistaken idea, in driving, that it shows a perfect horseman, to +drive fast. On the contrary, a _good_ horseman is more careful of his +horse than a poor one, and in starting, the horse is always allowed to +go slowly for time; as he gradually takes up a quicker pace, and becomes +warmed up; the driver may push him even to the top of his speed for some +distance, always, however, allowing him to slacken his pace toward the +end of his drive, and to come to the stopping-place at a moderate gait. + +Endeavor, by your conversation on the road, to make the ride agreeable +to your companion. Never try to _show off_ your driving, but remember, +that there is no one who drives with so much apparent ease and so little +display as the professional jockey, who, as he devotes his life to the +management of the reins, may well be supposed to be the most thoroughly +good "whip." + +In helping the lady out of the wagon, the same rule must be observed as +in the start; namely, to have your horse well in hand or firmly tied. +Should your companion be a gentleman and a horseman, the courtesy is +always to offer him the reins, though the offer, if made to yourself by +another with whom you are riding, should always be declined; unless, +indeed, the horse should be particularly "hard-mouthed" and your +friend's arms should be tired, in which case you should relieve him. + +Be especially careful in the use of the whip, that it may not spring +back outside of the vehicle and strike your companion. This rule should +be particularly attended to in driving "tandem" or "four-in-hand," as a +cut with a heavy tandem-whip is by no means a pleasant accompaniment to +your drive. + + +BOXING. + +In this much-abused accomplishment, there would, from the rough nature +of the sport, seem to be small room for civility; yet, in none of the +many manly sports is there so great a scope for the exercise of +politeness as in this. Should your adversary be your inferior in boxing, +there are many ways to teach him and encourage him in his pursuit of +proficiency, without knocking him about as if your desire was to injure +him as much as possible. And you will find that his gratitude for your +forbearance will prompt him to exercise the same indulgence to others +who are inferior to himself, and thus by the exchange of gentlemanly +civility the science of boxing is divested of one of its most +objectionable points, viz: the danger of the combatants becoming angry +and changing the sport to a brutal fight. + +Always allow your antagonist to choose his gloves from the set, though, +if you recommend _any_ to him, let him take the hardest ones and you the +softest; thus he will receive the easier blows. Allow him the choice of +ground and position, and endeavor in every way to give him the utmost +chance. In this way, even if you should be worsted in the game, your +kindness and courtesy to him will be acknowledged by any one who may be +with you, and by no one more readily than your antagonist himself. These +same rules apply to the art of fencing, the most graceful and beautiful +of exercises. Let your opponent have his choice of the foils and +sword-gloves, give him the best position for light, and in your thrusts +remember that to make a "hit" does not require you to force your foil as +violently as you can against your antagonist's breast; but, that every +touch will show if your foils be chalked and the one who has the most +"spots" at the end of the encounter is the beaten man. + + +SAILING. + +Within a few years there has been a most decided movement in favor of +aquatic pursuits. Scarcely a town can be found, near the sea or on the +bank of a river but what can either furnish a yacht or a barge. In all +our principal cities the "navies" of yachts and barges number many +boats. The barge clubs particularly are well-fitted with active, healthy +men, who can appreciate the physical benefit of a few hours' work at the +end of a sixteen-foot sweep, and who prefer health and blistered hands +to a life of fashionable and unhealthy amusement. Under the head of +sailing we will give some hints of etiquette as to sailing and rowing +together. A gentleman will never parade his superiority in these +accomplishments, still less boast of it, but rather, that the others may +not feel their inferiority, he will keep considerably within his powers. +If a guest or a stranger be of the party, the best place must be offered +to him, though he may be a bad oar; but, at the same time, if a guest +knows his inferiority in this respect, he will, for more reasons than +one, prefer an inferior position. So, too, when a certain amount of +exertion is required, as in boating, a well-bred man will offer to take +the greater share, pull the heaviest oar, and will never shirk his work. +In short, the whole rule of good manners on such occasions is not to be +selfish, and the most amiable man will therefore be the best bred. It is +certainly desirable that a gentleman should be able to handle an oar, or +to steer and work a yacht, both that when he has an opportunity he may +acquire health, and that he may be able to take part in the charming +excursions which are made by water. One rule should apply to all these +aquatic excursions, and that is, that the gentleman who invites the +ladies, should there be any, and who is, therefore, at the trouble of +getting up the party, should always be allowed to steer the boat, unless +he decline the post, for he has the advantage of more intimate +acquaintance with the ladies, whom he will have to entertain on the +trip, and the post of honor should be given him as a compliment to his +kindness in undertaking the preliminaries. + + +HUNTING. + +Gentlemen residing in the country, and keeping a stable, are generally +ready to join the hunt club. We are gradually falling into the English +sports and pastimes. Cricket, boxing, and hunting, are being more and +more practiced every year, and our horsemen and pugilists aspire to +conquer those of Britain, when a few years back, to attempt such a thing +would have been considered folly. In this country the organization of +hunt-clubs is made as much to rid the country of the foxes as to enjoy +the sport. We differ much from the Britons in our hunting; we have often +a hilly dangerous country, with high worm and post-and-rail fences +crossing it, deep streams with precipitous sides and stony ground to +ride over. We hunt in cold weather when the ground is frozen hard, and +we take everything as it is, hills, fences, streams, and hedges, risking +our necks innumerable times in a hunt. In England the hunters have a +flat country, fences which do not compare to ours in height, and they +hunt _after_ a frost when the ground is soft. + +Our hunting field at the "meet" does not show the gaudy equipment and +top-boots of England, but the plain dress of the gentleman farmer, +sometimes a blue coat and jockey-cap, but oftener the every-day coat and +felt hat, but the etiquette of our hunting field is more observed than +in England. There any one joins the meet, if it is a large one, but here +no one enters the field unless acquainted with one or more of the +gentlemen on the ground. The rules in the hunt are few and simple. Never +attempt to hunt unless you have a fine seat in the saddle and a good +horse, and never accept the loan of a friend's horse, still less an +enemy's, unless you ride very well. A man may forgive you for breaking +his daughter's heart but never for breaking his hunter's neck. Another +point is, always to be quiet at a meet, and never join one unless +acquainted with some one in the field. Pluck, skill, and a good horse +are essentials in hunting. Never talk of your achievements, avoid +enthusiastic shouting when you break cover, and do not ride over the +hounds. Keep a firm hand, a quick eye, an easy, calm frame of mind, and +a good, firm seat on the saddle. Watch the country you are going over, +be always ready to help a friend who may "come to grief," and with the +rules and the quiet demeanor you will soon be a favorite in the field. + + +SKATING. + +Though we may, in the cold winter, sigh for the return of spring +breezes, and look back with regret on the autumn sports, or even the +heat of summer, there is yet a balm for our frozen spirits in the +glorious and exhilarating sports of winter. The sleigh filled with +laughing female beauties and "beauties," too, of the sterner sex, and +the merry jingle of the bells as we fly along the road or through the +streets, are delights of which Old Winter alone is the giver. But, +pleasant as the sleigh-ride is, the man who looks for health and +exercise at all seasons, turns from the seductive pleasures of the +sleigh to the more simple enjoyment derived from the skates. Flying +along over the glistening ice to the accompaniment of shouts of merry +laughter at some novice's mishap, and feeling that we have within us the +speed of the race-horse, the icy pleasure is, indeed, a good substitute +for the pleasures of the other seasons. + +So universal has skating become, that instruction in this graceful +accomplishment seems almost unnecessary; but, for the benefit of the +rising generation who may peruse our work, we will give, from a +well-known authority, a few hints as to the manner of using the skates +before we add our own instruction as to the etiquette of the skating +ground. + +"Before going on the ice, the young skater must learn to put on the +skates, and may also learn to walk with them easily in a room, +balancing, alternately, on each foot. A skater's dress should be as +loose and unincumbered as possible. All fullness of dress is exposed to +the wind. As the exercise of skating produces perspiration, flannel next +the chest, shoulders, and loins, is necessary to avoid the evils of +sudden chills in cold weather. + +"Either very rough or very smooth ice should be avoided. The person who, +for the first time, attempts to skate, must not trust to a stick. He may +take a friend's hand for support, if he requires one; but that should be +soon relinquished, in order to balance himself. He will, probably, +scramble about for half an hour or so, till he begins to find out where +the edge of his skate is. The beginner must be fearless, but not +violent; nor even in a hurry. He should not let his feet get apart, and +keep his heels still nearer together. He must keep the ankle of the foot +on the ice quite firm; not attempting to gain the edge of the skate by +bending it, because the right mode of getting to either edge is by the +inclination of the whole body in the direction required; and this +inclination should be made fearlessly and decisively. The leg which is +on the ice should be kept perfectly straight; for, though the knee must +be somewhat bent at the time of striking, it must be straightened as +quickly as possible without any jerk. The leg which is off the ice +should also be kept straight, though not stiff, having an easy but +straight play, the toe pointing downwards, and the heel from six to +twelve inches of the other. + +"The learner must not look down at the ice, nor at his feet, to see how +they perform. He may, at first, incline his body a little forward, for +safety, but hold his head up, and see where he goes, his person erect +and his face rather elevated than otherwise. + +"When once off, he must bring both feet up together, and strike again, +as soon as he finds himself steady enough, rarely allowing both feet to +be on the ice together. The position of the arms should be easy and +varied; one being always more raised than the other, this elevation +being alternate, and the change corresponding to that of the legs; that +is, the right arm being raised as the right leg is put down, and _vice +versa_, so that the arm and leg of the same side may not be raised +together. The face must be always turned in the direction of the line +intended to be described. Hence in backward skating, the head will be +inclined much over the shoulder; in forward skating, but slightly. All +sudden and violent action must be avoided. Stopping may be caused by +slightly bending the knees, drawing the feet together, inclining the +body forward, and pressing on the heels. It may be also caused by +turning short to the right or left, the foot on the side to which we +turn being rather more advanced, and supporting part of the weight."[A] + +[A] Walker's Manly Exercises. + +When on the ice, if you should get your skates on before your companion, +always wait for him; for, nothing is more disagreeable than being left +behind on an occasion of this kind. Be ready at all times when skating +to render assistance to any one, either lady or gentleman, who may +require it. A _gentleman_ may be distinguished at all times by the +willingness with which he will give up his sport to render himself +agreeable and kind to any one in difficulty. Should you have one of the +skating-sleds so much used for taking ladies on the ice, and should your +own ladies, if you are accompanied by any, not desire to use it, the +most becoming thing you can do is to place it at the disposal of any +other gentleman who has ladies with him, and who is not provided with +such a conveyance. + +Always keep to the right in meeting a person on the ice, and always +skate perfectly clear of the line in which a lady is advancing, whether +she be on skates or on foot. Attention to the other sex is no where more +appreciated than on the ice, where they are, unless good skaters, +comparatively helpless. Be always prompt to assist in the extrication of +any one who may break through the ice, but let your zeal be tempered by +discretion, and always get a rope or ladder if possible, in preference +to going near the hole; for there is great risk of your breaking through +yourself, and endangering your own life without being able to assist the +person already submerged. But should the rope or ladder not be +convenient, the best method is to lay flat on your breast on the ice, +and push yourself cautiously along until you can touch the person's +hand, and then let him climb by it out of the hole. + + +SWIMMING. + +So few persons are unable to swim, that it would be useless for us to +furnish any instruction in the actual art of swimming; but a few words +on the subject of assisting others while in the water may not come +amiss. + +It is a desirable accomplishment to be able to swim in a suit of +clothes. This may be practiced by good swimmers, cautiously at first, in +comparatively shallow water, and afterwards in deeper places. Occasions +may frequently occur where it may be necessary to plunge into the water +to save a drowning person, where the lack of time, or the presence of +ladies, would preclude all possibility of removing the clothes. There +are few points of etiquette in swimming, except those of giving all the +assistance in our power to beginners, and to remember the fact of our +being gentlemen, though the sport may be rough when we are off _terra +firma_. We shall therefore devote this section of our exercise +department to giving a few general directions as to supporting drowning +persons, which support is, after all, the most valued attention we can +render to any one. + +If possible, always go to save a life in company with one or two others. +One companion is generally sufficient, but two will do no harm, for, if +the service of the second be not required, he can easily swim back to +shore. On reaching the object of your pursuit, if he be clinging to +anything, caution him, as you approach, to hold it until you tell him to +let go, and then to let his arms fall to his side. Then let one of your +companions place his hand under the armpit of the person to be assisted, +and you doing the like, call to him to let go his support, then tread +water until you get his arms on the shoulders of your companion and +yourself, and then swim gently to shore. Should you be alone, the utmost +you can do is to let him hold his support while you tread water near him +until further assistance can be obtained. If you are alone and he has no +support, let him rest one arm across your shoulder, put one of your arms +behind his back, and the hand under his armpit, and tread water until +help arrives. Never let a man in these circumstances _grasp_ you in any +way, particularly if he be frightened, for you may both be drowned; but, +try to cool and reassure him by the intrepidity of your own movements, +and he will be safely and easily preserved. + + +CRICKET. + +When in the cricket-field, we must allow ourselves to enter into the +full spirit of the game; but we must not allow the excitement of the +play to make us forget what is due to others and to ourselves. A gentle, +easy, and, at the same time, gentlemanly manner, may be assumed. Always +offer to your companions the use of your private bat, if they are not +similarly provided; for the bats belonging to the club often lose the +spring in the handle from constant use, and a firm bat with a good +spring will prove very acceptable. In this way you gratify the player, +and, as a reward for your kindness, he may, from being well provided, +score more for the side than he would with inferior or worn-out tools. + +This game is more purely democratic than any one we know of, and the +most aristocratic of gentlemen takes second rank, for the time, to the +most humble cricketer, if the latter be the more skillful. But a good +player is not always a gentleman, and the difference in cultivation may +always be distinguished. A _gentleman_ will never deride any one for his +bad play, nor give vent to oaths, or strong epithets, if disappointed in +the playing of one of his side. If he has to ask another player for +anything, he does so in a way to establish his claim to gentility. "May +I trouble you for that ball?" or, "Will you please to hand me that bat?" +are much preferable to "Here, you! ball there!" or, "Clumsy, don't carry +off that bat!" Again, if a gentleman makes a mistake himself, he should +always acknowledge it quietly, and never start a stormy discussion as to +the merits of his batting or fielding. In fine, preserve the same calm +demeanor in the field that you would in the parlor, however deeply you +enter into the excitement of the game. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +TRAVELING. + + +In this country where ladies travel so much alone, a gentleman has many +opportunities of making this unprotected state a pleasant one. There are +many little courtesies which you may offer to a lady when traveling, +even if she is an entire stranger to you, and by an air of respectful +deference, you may place her entirely at her ease with you, even if you +are both young. + +When traveling with a lady, your duties commence when you are presented +to her as an escort. If she is personally a stranger, she will probably +meet you at the wharf or car depot; but if an old acquaintance, you +should offer to call for her at her residence. Take a hack, and call, +leaving ample time for last speeches and farewell tears. If she hands +you her purse to defray her expenses, return it to her if you stop for +any length of time at a place where she may wish to make purchases. If +you make no stop upon your journey, keep the purse until you arrive at +your destination, and then return it. If she does not give you the money +for her expenses when you start, you had best pay them yourself, keeping +an account, and she will repay you at the journey's end. + +When you start, select for your companion the pleasantest seat, see that +her shawl and bag are within her reach, the window lowered or raised as +she may prefer, and then leave her to attend to the baggage, or, if you +prefer, let her remain in the hack while you get checks for the trunks. +Never keep a lady standing upon the wharf or in the depot, whilst you +arrange the baggage. + +When you arrive at a station, place your lady in a hack while you get +the trunks. + +When arriving at a hotel, escort your companion to the parlor, and leave +her there whilst you engage rooms. As soon as her room is ready, escort +her to the door, and leave her, as she will probably wish to change her +dress or lie down, after the fatigue of traveling. If you remain +chatting in the parlor, although she may be too polite to give any sign +of weariness, you may feel sure she is longing to go to a room where she +can bathe her face and smooth her hair. + +If you remain in the hotel to any meal, ask before you leave her, at +what hour she wishes to dine, sup, or breakfast, and at that hour, knock +at her door, and escort her to the table. + +If you remain in the city at which her journey terminates, you should +call the day after your arrival upon the companion of your journey. If, +previous to that journey, you have never met her, she has the privilege +of continuing the acquaintance or not as she pleases, so if all your +gallantry is repaid by a cut the next time you meet her, you must +submit, and hope for better luck next time. In such a case, you are at +liberty to decline escorting her again should the request be made. + +When traveling alone, your opportunities to display your gallantry will +be still more numerous. To offer to carry a bag for a lady who is +unattended, to raise or lower a window for her, offer to check her +baggage, procure her a hack, give her your arm from car to boat or boat +to car, assist her children over the bad crossings, or in fact extend +any such kindness, will mark you as a gentleman, and win you the thanks +due to your courtesy. Be careful however not to be too attentive, as you +then become officious, and embarrass when you mean to please. + +If you are going to travel in other countries, in Europe, especially, I +would advise you to study the languages, before you attempt to go +abroad. French is the tongue you will find most useful in Europe, as it +is spoken in the courts, and amongst diplomatists; but, in order fully +to enjoy a visit to any country, you must speak the language of that +country. You can then visit in the private houses, see life among the +peasantry, go with confidence from village to town, from city to city, +learning more of the country in one day from familiar intercourse with +the natives, than you would learn in a year from guide books or the +explanations of your courier. The way to really enjoy a journey through +a strange land, is not to roll over the high ways in your carriage, stop +at the hotels, and be led to the points of interest by your guide, but +to shoulder your knapsack, or take up your valise, and make a pedestrian +tour through the hamlets and villages. Take a room at a hotel in the +principal cities if you will, and see all that your guide book commands +you to seek, and then start on your own tour of investigation, and +believe me you will enjoy your independent walks and chats with the +villagers and peasants, infinitely more than your visits dictated by +others. Of course, to enjoy this mode of traveling, you must have some +knowledge of the language, and if you start with only a very slight +acquaintance with it, you will be surprised to find how rapidly you will +acquire the power to converse, when you are thus forced to speak in that +language, or be entirely silent. + +Your pocket, too, will be the gainer by the power to arrange your own +affairs. If you travel with a courier and depend upon him to arrange +your hotel bills and other matters, you will be cheated by every one, +from the boy who blacks your boots, to the magnificent artist, who +undertakes to fill your picture gallery with the works of the "old +masters." If Murillo, Raphael, and Guido could see the pictures brought +annually to this country as genuine works of their pencils, we are +certain that they would tear their ghostly hair, wring their shadowy +hands, and return to the tomb again in disgust. Ignorant of the language +of the country you are visiting, you will be swindled in the little +villages and the large cities by the inn-keepers and the hack-drivers, +in the country and in the town, morning, noon, and evening, daily, +hourly, and weekly; so, again I say, study the languages if you propose +going abroad. + +In a foreign country nothing stamps the difference between the gentleman +and the clown more strongly than the regard they pay to foreign +customs. While the latter will exclaim against every strange dress or +dish, and even show signs of disgust if the latter does not please him, +the former will endeavor, as far as is in his power, to "do in Rome as +Romans do." + +Accustom yourself, as soon as possible, to the customs of the nation +which you are visiting, and, as far as you can without any violation of +principle, follow them. You will add much to your own comfort by so +doing, for, as you cannot expect the whole nation to conform to your +habits, the sooner you fall in with theirs the sooner you will feel at +home in the strange land. + +Never ridicule or blame any usage which seems to you ludicrous or wrong. +You may wound those around you, or you may anger them, and it cannot add +to the pleasure of your visit to make yourself unpopular. If in Germany +they serve your meat upon marmalade, or your beef raw, or in Italy give +you peas in their pods, or in France offer you frog's legs and +horsesteaks, if you cannot eat the strange viands, make no remarks and +repress every look or gesture of disgust. Try to adapt your taste to the +dishes, and if you find that impossible, remove those articles you +cannot eat from your plate, and make your meal upon the others, but do +this silently and quietly, endeavoring not to attract attention. + +The best travelers are those who can eat cats in China, oil in +Greenland, frogs in France, and maccaroni in Italy; who can smoke a +meershaum in Germany, ride an elephant in India, shoot partridges in +England, and wear a turban in Turkey; in short, in every nation adapt +their habits, costume, and taste to the national manners, dress and +dishes. + +Do not, when abroad, speak continually in praise of your own country, or +disparagingly of others. If you find others are interested in gaining +information about America, speak candidly and freely of its customs, +scenery, or products, but not in a way that will imply a contempt of +other countries. To turn up your nose at the Thames because the +Mississippi is longer and wider, or to sneer at _any_ object because you +have seen its superior at home, is rude, ill-bred, and in excessively +bad taste. You will find abroad numerous objects of interest which +America cannot parallel, and while abroad, you will do well to avoid +mention of "our rivers," "our mountains," or, "our manufactories." You +will find ruins in Rome, pictures in Florence, cemeteries in France, and +factories in England, which will take the lead and challenge the world +to compete; and you will exhibit a far better spirit if you candidly +acknowledge that superiority, than if you make absurd and untrue +assertions of "our" power to excel them. + +You will, of course, meet with much to disapprove, much that will excite +your laughter; but control the one and keep silence about the other. If +you find fault, do so gently and quietly; if you praise, do so without +qualification, sincerely and warmly. + +Study well the geography of any country which you may visit, and, as far +as possible, its history also. You cannot feel much interest in +localities or monuments connected with history, if you are unacquainted +with the events which make them worthy of note. + +Converse with any who seem disposed to form an acquaintance. You may +thus pass an hour or two pleasantly, obtain useful information, and you +need not carry on the acquaintance unless you choose to do so. Amongst +the higher circles in Europe you will find many of the customs of each +nation in other nations, but it is among the peasants and the people +that you find the true nationality. + +You may carry with you one rule into every country, which is, that, +however much the inhabitants may object to your dress, language, or +habits, they will cheerfully acknowledge that the American stranger is +perfectly amiable and polite. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH. + + +It is not, in this book, a question, what you must believe, but how you +must act. If your conscience permits you to visit other churches than +your own, your first duty, whilst in them, is not to sneer or scoff at +any of its forms, and to follow the service as closely as you can. + +To remove your hat upon entering the edifice devoted to the worship of a +Higher Power, is a sign of respect never to be omitted. Many men will +omit in foreign churches this custom so expressive and touching, and by +the omission make others believe them irreverent and foolish, even +though they may act from mere thoughtlessness. If, however, you are in a +country where the head is kept covered, and another form of humility +adopted, you need not fear to follow the custom of those around you. You +will be more respected if you pay deference to their religious views, +than if you undertook to prove your superiority by affecting a contempt +for any form of worship. Enter with your thoughts fixed upon high and +holy subjects, and your face will show your devotion, even if you are +ignorant of the forms of that particular church. + +If you are with a lady, in a catholic church, offer her the holy water +with your hand ungloved, for, as it is in the intercourse with princes, +that church requires all the ceremonies to be performed with the bare +hand. + +Pass up the aisle with your companion until you reach the pew you are to +occupy, then step before her, open the door, and hold it open while she +enters the pew. Then follow her, closing the door after you. + +If you are visiting a strange church, request the sexton to give you a +seat. Never enter a pew uninvited. If you are in your own pew in church, +and see strangers looking for a place, open your pew door, invite them +by a motion to enter, and hold the door open for them, re-entering +yourself after they are seated. + +If others around you do not pay what you think a proper attention to the +services, do not, by scornful glances or whispered remarks, notice their +omissions. Strive, by your own devotion, to forget those near you. + +You may offer a book or fan to a stranger near you, if unprovided +themselves, whether they be young or old, lady or gentleman. + +Remain kneeling as long as those around you do so. Do not, if your own +devotion is not satisfied by your attitude, throw scornful glances upon +those who remain seated, or merely bow their heads. Above all never sign +to them, or speak, reminding them of the position most suitable for the +service. Keep your own position, but do not think you have the right to +dictate to others. I have heard young persons addressing, with words of +reproach, old men, and lame ones, whose infirmities forbade them to +kneel or stand in church, but who were, doubtless, as good Christians as +their presumptuous advisers. I know that it often is an effort to +remain silent when those in another pew talk incessantly in a low tone +or whisper, or sing in a loud tone, out of all time or tune, or read the +wrong responses in a voice of thunder; but, while you carefully avoid +such faults yourself, you must pass them over in others, without remark. + +If, when abroad, you visit a church to see the pictures or monuments +within its walls, and not for worship, choose the hours when there is no +service being read. Even if you are alone, or merely with a guide, speak +low, walk slowly, and keep an air of quiet respect in the edifice +devoted to the service of God. + +Let me here protest against an Americanism of which modest ladies justly +complain; it is that of gentlemen standing in groups round the doors of +churches both before and after service. A well-bred man will not indulge +in this practice; and, if detained upon the step by a friend, or, whilst +waiting for another person, he will stand aside and allow plenty of room +for others to pass in, and will never bring the blood into a woman's +face by a long, curious stare. + +In church, as in every other position in life, the most unselfish man is +the most perfect gentleman; so, if you wish to retain your position as a +well-bred man, you will, in a crowded church, offer your seat to any +lady, or old man, who may be standing. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. + + +1. Always avoid any rude or boisterous action, especially when in the +presence of ladies. It is not necessary to be stiff, indolent, or +sullenly silent, neither is perfect gravity always required, but if you +jest let it be with quiet, gentlemanly wit, never depending upon +clownish gestures for the effect of a story. Nothing marks the gentleman +so soon and so decidedly as quiet, refined ease of manner. + +2. Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring a bell, pick up a +handkerchief or glove she may have dropped, or, in short, perform any +service for herself which you can perform for her, when you are in the +room. By extending such courtesies to your mother, sisters, or other +members of your family, they become habitual, and are thus more +gracefully performed when abroad. + +3. Never perform any little service for another with a formal bow or +manner as if conferring a favor, but with a quiet gentlemanly ease as if +it were, not a ceremonious, unaccustomed performance, but a matter of +course, for you to be courteous. + +4. It is not necessary to tell _all_ that you know; that were mere +folly; but what a man says must be what he believes himself, else he +violates the first rule for a gentleman's speech--Truth. + +5. Avoid gambling as you would poison. Every bet made, even in the most +finished circles of society, is a species of gambling, and this ruinous +crime comes on by slow degrees. Whilst a man is minding his business, he +is playing the best game, and he is sure to win. You will be tempted to +the vice by those whom the world calls gentlemen, but you will find that +loss makes you angry, and an angry man is never a courteous one; gain +excites you to continue the pursuit of the vice; and, in the end you +will lose money, good name, health, good conscience, light heart, and +honesty; while you gain evil associates, irregular hours and habits, a +suspicious, fretful temper, and a remorseful, tormenting conscience. +Some one _must_ lose in the game; and, if you win it, it is at the risk +of driving a fellow creature to despair. + +6. Cultivate tact! In society it will be an invaluable aid. Talent is +something, but tact is everything. Talent is serious, sober, grave, and +respectable; tact is all that and more too. It is not a sixth sense, but +it is the life of all the five. It is the _open_ eye, the _quick_ ear, +the _judging_ taste, the _keen_ smell, and the _lively_ touch; it is the +interpreter of all riddles--the surmounter of all difficulties--the +remover of all obstacles. It is useful in all places, and at all times; +it is useful in solitude, for it shows a man his way _into_ the world; +it is useful in society, for it shows him his way _through_ the world. +Talent is power--tact is skill; talent is weight--tact is momentum; +talent knows what to do--tact knows how to do it; talent makes a man +respectable--tact will make him respected; talent is wealth--tact is +ready money. For all the practical purposes of society tact carries +against talent ten to one. + +7. Nature has left every man a capacity of being agreeable, though all +cannot _shine_ in company; but there are many men sufficiently qualified +for both, who, by a very few faults, that a little attention would soon +correct, are not so much as tolerable. Watch, avoid such faults. + +8. Habits of self-possession and self-control acquired early in life, +are the best foundation for the formation of gentlemanly manners. If you +unite with this the constant intercourse with ladies and gentlemen of +refinement and education, you will add to the dignity of perfect self +command, the polished ease of polite society. + +9. Avoid a conceited manner. It is exceedingly ill-bred to assume a +manner as if you were superior to those around you, and it is, too, a +proof, not of superiority but of vulgarity. And to avoid this manner, +avoid the foundation of it, and cultivate humility. The praises of +others should be of use to you, in teaching, not what you are, perhaps, +but in pointing out what you ought to be. + +10. Avoid pride, too; it often miscalculates, and more often +misconceives. The proud man places himself at a distance from other men; +seen through that distance, others, perhaps, appear little to him; but +he forgets that this very distance causes him also to appear little to +others. + +11. A gentleman's title suggests to him humility and affability; to be +easy of access, to pass by neglects and offences, especially from +inferiors; neither to despise any for their bad fortune or misery, nor +to be afraid to own those who are unjustly oppressed; not to domineer +over inferiors, nor to be either disrespectful or cringing to superiors; +not standing upon his family name, or wealth, but making these secondary +to his attainments in civility, industry, gentleness, and discretion. + +12. Chesterfield says, "All ceremonies are, in themselves, very silly +things; but yet a man of the world should know them. They are the +outworks of manners, which would be too often broken in upon if it were +not for that defence which keeps the enemy at a proper distance. It is +for that reason I always treat fools and coxcombs with great ceremony, +true good breeding not being a sufficient barrier against them." + +13. When you meet a lady at the foot of a flight of stairs, do not wait +for her to ascend, but bow, and go up before her. + +14. In meeting a lady at the head of a flight of stairs, wait for her to +precede you in the descent. + +15. Avoid slang. It does not beautify, but it sullies conversation. +"Just listen, for a moment, to our fast young man, or the ape of a fast +young man, who thinks that to be a man he must speak in the dark +phraseology of slang. If he does anything on his own responsibility, he +does it on his own 'hook.' If he sees anything remarkably good, he calls +it a 'stunner,' the superlative of which is a 'regular stunner.' If a +man is requested to pay a tavern bill, he is asked if he will 'stand +Sam.' If he meets a savage-looking dog, he calls him an 'ugly customer.' +If he meets an eccentric man, he calls him a 'rummy old cove.' A +sensible man is a 'chap that is up to snuff.' Our young friend never +scolds, but 'blows up;' never pays, but 'stumps up;' never finds it too +difficult to pay, but is 'hard up.' He has no hat, but shelters his head +beneath a 'tile.' He wears no neckcloth, but surrounds his throat with a +'choker.' He lives nowhere, but there is some place where he 'hangs +out.' He never goes away or withdraws, but he 'bolts'--he 'slopes'--he +'mizzles'--he 'makes himself scarce'--he 'walks his chalks'--he 'makes +tracks'--he 'cuts stick'--or, what is the same thing, he 'cuts his +lucky!' The highest compliment that you can pay him is to tell him that +he is a 'regular brick.' He does not profess to be brave, but he prides +himself on being 'plucky.' Money is a word which he has forgotten, but +he talks a good deal about 'tin,' and the 'needful,' 'the rhino,' and +'the ready.' When a man speaks, he 'spouts;' when he holds his peace, he +'shuts up;' when he is humiliated, he is 'taken down a peg or two,' and +made to 'sing small.' Now, besides the vulgarity of such expressions, +there is much in slang that is objectionable in a moral point of view. +For example, the word 'governor,' as applied to a father, is to be +reprehended. Does it not betray, on the part of young men, great +ignorance of the paternal and filial relationship, or great contempt for +them? Their father is to such young men merely a governor,--merely a +representative of authority. Innocently enough the expression is used by +thousands of young men who venerate and love their parents; but only +think of it, and I am sure that you will admit that it is a cold, +heartless word when thus applied, and one that ought forthwith to be +abandoned." + +16. There are few traits of social life more repulsive than tyranny. I +refer not to the wrongs, real or imaginary, that engage our attention in +ancient and modern history; my tyrants are not those who have waded +through blood to thrones, and grievously oppress their brother men. I +speak of the _petty_ tyrants of the fireside and the social circle, who +trample like very despots on the opinions of their fellows. You meet +people of this class everywhere; they stalk by your side in the streets; +they seat themselves in the pleasant circle on the hearth, casting a +gloom on gayety; and they start up dark and scowling in the midst of +scenes of innocent mirth, to chill and frown down every participator. +They "pooh! pooh!" at every opinion advanced; they make the lives of +their mothers, sisters, wives, children, unbearable. Beware then of +tyranny. A gentleman is ever humble, and the tyrant is never courteous. + +17. Cultivate the virtues of the soul, strong principle, incorruptible +integrity, usefulness, refined intellect, and fidelity in seeking for +truth. A man in proportion as he has these virtues will be honored and +welcomed everywhere. + +18. Gentility is neither in birth, wealth, or fashion, but in the mind. +A high sense of honor, a determination never to take a mean advantage of +another, adherence to truth, delicacy and politeness towards those with +whom we hold intercourse, are the essential characteristics of a +gentleman. + +19. Little attentions to your mother, your wife, and your sister, will +beget much love. The man who is a rude husband, son, and brother, cannot +be a gentleman; he may ape the manners of one, but, wanting the +refinement of heart that would make him courteous at home, his +politeness is but a thin cloak to cover a rude, unpolished mind. + +20. At table, always eat slowly, but do not delay those around you by +toying with your food, or neglecting the business before you to chat, +till all the others are ready to leave the table, but must wait until +you repair your negligence, by hastily swallowing your food. + +21. Are you a husband? Custom entitles you to be the "lord and master" +over your household. But don't assume the _master_ and sink the _lord_. +Remember that noble generosity, forbearance, amiability, and integrity +are the _lordly_ attributes of man. As a husband, therefore, exhibit the +true nobility of man, and seek to govern your household by the display +of high moral excellence. + +A domineering spirit--a fault-finding petulance--impatience of trifling +delays--and the exhibition of unworthy passion at the slightest +provocation can add no laurel to your own "lordly" brow, impart no +sweetness to home, and call forth no respect from those by whom you may +be surrounded. It is one thing to be a _master_, another to be a _man_. +The latter should be the husband's aspiration; for he who cannot govern +himself, is ill-qualified to rule others. You can hardly imagine how +refreshing it is to occasionally call up the recollection of your +courting days. How tediously the hours rolled away prior to the +appointed time of meeting; how swift they seemed to fly, when met; how +fond was the first greeting; how tender the last embrace; how fervent +were your vows; how vivid your dreams of future happiness, when, +returning to your home, you felt yourself secure in the confessed love +of the object of your warm affections! Is your dream realized?--are you +so happy as you expected?--why not? Consider whether as a husband you +are as fervent and constant as you were when a lover. Remember that the +wife's claims to your unremitting regard--great before marriage, are now +exalted to a much higher degree. She has left the world for you--the +home of her childhood, the fireside of her parents, their watchful care +and sweet intercourse have all been yielded up for you. Look then most +jealously upon all that may tend to attract you from home, and to weaken +that union upon which your temporal happiness mainly depends; and +believe that in the solemn relationship of HUSBAND is to be found one of +the best guarantees for man's honor and happiness. + +22. Perhaps the true definition of a gentleman is this: "Whoever is +open, loyal, and true; whoever is of humane and affable demeanor; +whoever is honorable in himself, and in his judgment of others, and +requires no law but his word to make him fulfil an engagement; such a +man is a gentleman, be he in the highest or lowest rank of life, a man +of elegant refinement and intellect, or the most unpolished tiller of +the ground." + +23. In the street, etiquette does not require a gentleman to take off +his glove to shake hands with a lady, unless her hand is uncovered. In +the house, however, the rule is imperative, he must not offer a lady a +gloved hand. In the street, if his hand be very warm or very cold, or +the glove cannot be readily removed, it is much better to offer the +covered hand than to offend the lady's touch, or delay the salutation +during an awkward fumble to remove the glove. + +24. Sterne says, "True courtship consists in a number of quiet, +gentlemanly attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, not so vague as to +be misunderstood." A clown will terrify by his boldness, a proud man +chill by his reserve, but a gentleman will win by the happy mixture of +the two. + +25. Use no profane language, utter no word that will cause the most +virtuous to blush. Profanity is a mark of low breeding; and the tendency +of using indecent and profane language is degrading to your minds. Its +injurious effects may not be felt at the moment, but they will continue +to manifest themselves to you through life. They may never be +obliterated; and, if you allow the fault to become habitual, you will +often find at your tongue's end some expressions which you would not use +for any money. By being careful on this point you may save yourself much +mortification and sorrow. + +"Good men have been taken sick and become delirious. In these moments +they have used the most vile and indecent language. When informed of it, +after a restoration to health, they had no idea of the pain they had +given to their friends, and stated that they had learned and repeated +the expressions in childhood, and though years had passed since they had +spoken a bad word, the early impressions had been indelibly stamped upon +the mind." + +Think of this, ye who are tempted to use improper language, and never +let a vile word disgrace you. An oath never falls from the tongue of the +man who commands respect. + +Honesty, frankness, generosity, and virtue are noble traits. Let these +be yours, and do not fear. You will then claim the esteem and love of +all. + +26. Courteous and friendly conduct may, probably will, sometimes meet +with an unworthy and ungrateful return; but the absence of gratitude and +similar courtesy on the part of the receiver cannot destroy the +self-approbation which recompenses the giver. We may scatter the seeds +of courtesy and kindness around us at little expense. Some of them will +inevitably fall on good ground, and grow up into benevolence in the +minds of others, and all of them will bear the fruit of happiness in the +bosom whence they spring. A kindly action always fixes itself on the +heart of the truly thoughtful and polite man. + +27. Learn to restrain anger. A man in a passion ceases to be a +gentleman, and if you do not control your passions, rely upon it, they +will one day control you. The intoxication of anger, like that of the +grape, shows us to others, but hides us from ourselves, and we injure +our own cause in the opinion of the world when we _too_ passionately and +eagerly defend it. Neither will all men be disposed to view our quarrels +in the same light that we do; and a man's blindness to his own defects +will ever increase in proportion as he is angry with others, or pleased +with himself. An old English writer says:-- + +"As a preventative of anger, banish all tale-bearers and slanderers from +your conversation, for it is these blow the devil's bellows to rouse up +the flames of rage and fury, by first abusing your ears, and then your +credulity, and after that steal away your patience, and all this, +perhaps, for a lie. To prevent anger, be not too inquisitive into the +affairs of others, or what people say of yourself, or into the mistakes +of your friends, for this is going out to gather sticks to kindle a fire +to burn your own house." + +28. Keep good company or none. You will lose your own self-respect, and +habits of courtesy sooner and more effectually by intercourse with low +company, than in any other manner; while, in good company, these virtues +will be cultivated and become habitual. + +29. Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than to make an engagement, +be it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your memory is not +sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you make stored +within it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there. +Especially, keep any appointment made with a lady, for, depend upon it, +the fair sex forgive any other fault in good breeding, sooner than a +broken engagement. + +30. Avoid personality; nothing is more ungentlemanly. The tone of good +company is marked by its entire absence. Among well-informed persons +there are plenty of topics to discuss, without giving pain to any one +present. + +31. Make it a rule to be always punctual in keeping an appointment, and, +when it is convenient, be a little beforehand. Such a habit ensures that +composure and ease which is the very essence of gentlemanly deportment; +want of it keeps you always in a fever and bustle and no man who is +hurried and feverish appears so well as he whose punctuality keeps him +cool and composed. + +32. It is right to cultivate a laudable ambition, but do not exaggerate +your capacity. The world will not give you credit for half what you +esteem yourself. Some men think it so much gained to pass for more than +they are worth; but in most cases the deception will be discovered, +sooner or later, and the rebound will be greater than the gain. We may, +therefore, set it down as a truth, that it is a damage to a man to have +credit for greater powers than he possesses. + +33. Be ready to apologize when you have committed a fault which gives +offence. Better, far better, to retain a friend by a frank, courteous +apology for offence given, than to make an enemy by obstinately denying +or persisting in the fault. + +34. An apology made to yourself must be accepted. No matter how great +the offence, a gentleman cannot keep his anger after an apology has been +made, and thus, amongst truly well-bred men, an apology is always +accepted. + +35. Unless you have something of real importance to ask or communicate, +do not stop a gentleman in the street during business hours. You may +detain him from important engagements, and, though he may be too +well-bred to show annoyance, he will not thank you for such detention. + +36. If, when on your way to fulfil an engagement, a friend stops you in +the street, you may, without committing any breach of etiquette, tell +him of your appointment, and release yourself from a long talk, but do +so in a courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity. + +37. If, when meeting two gentlemen, you are obliged to detain one of +them, apologize to the other for so doing, whether he is an acquaintance +or a stranger, and do not keep him waiting a moment longer than is +necessary. + +38. Have you a sister? Then love and cherish her with all that pure and +holy friendship which renders a brother so worthy and noble. Learn to +appreciate her sweet influence as portrayed in the following words: + +"He who has never known a sister's kind administration, nor felt his +heart warming beneath her endearing smile and love-beaming eye, has been +unfortunate indeed. It is not to be wondered at if the fountains of pure +feeling flow in his bosom but sluggishly, or if the gentle emotions of +his nature be lost in the sterner attributes of mankind. + +"'That man has grown up among affectionate sisters,' I once heard a lady +of much observation and experience remark. + +"'And why do you think so?' said I. + +"'Because of the rich development of all the tender feelings of the +heart.' + +"A sister's influence is felt even in manhood's riper years; and the +heart of him who has grown cold in chilly contact with the world will +warm and thrill with pure enjoyment as some accident awakens within him +the soft tones, the glad melodies of his sister's voice; and he will +turn from purposes which a warped and false philosophy had reasoned into +expediency, and even weep for the gentle influences which moved him in +his earlier years." + +The man who would treat a sister with harshness, rudeness, or +disrespect, is unworthy of the name of gentleman, for he thus proves +that the courtesies he extends to other ladies, are not the promptings +of the heart, but the mere external signs of etiquette; the husk without +the sweet fruit within. + +39. When walking with a friend in the street, never leave him to speak +to another friend without apologizing for so doing. + +40. If walking with a lady, never leave her alone in the street, under +any circumstances. It is a gross violation of etiquette to do so. + +41. The most truly gentlemanly man is he who is the most unselfish, so I +would say in the words of the Rev. J. A. James: + +"Live for some purpose in the world. Act your part well. Fill up the +measure of duty to others. Conduct yourselves so that you shall be +missed with sorrow when you are gone. Multitudes of our species are +living in such a selfish manner that they are not likely to be +remembered after their disappearance. They leave behind them scarcely +any traces of their existence, but are forgotten almost as though they +had never been. They are while they live, like one pebble lying +unobserved amongst a million on the shore; and when they die, they are +like that same pebble thrown into the sea, which just ruffles the +surface, sinks, and is forgotten, without being missed from the beach. +They are neither regretted by the rich, wanted by the poor, nor +celebrated by the learned. Who has been the better for their life? Who +has been the worse for their death? Whose tears have they dried up? +whose wants supplied? whose miseries have they healed? Who would unbar +the gate of life, to re-admit them to existence? or what face would +greet them back again to our world with a smile? Wretched, unproductive +mode of existence! Selfishness is its own curse; it is a starving vice. +The man who does no good, gets none. He is like the heath in the desert, +neither yielding fruit, nor seeing when good cometh--a stunted, +dwarfish, miserable shrub." + +42. Separate the syllables of the word gentleman, and you will see that +the first requisite must be gentleness--_gentle_-man. Mackenzie says, +"Few persons are sufficiently aware of the power of gentleness. It is +slow in working, but it is infallible in its results. It makes no noise; +it neither invites attention, nor provokes resistance; but it is God's +great law, in the moral as in the natural world, for accomplishing great +results. The progressive dawn of day, the flow of the tide, the lapse of +time, the changes of the seasons--these are carried on by slow and +imperceptible degrees, yet their progress and issue none can mistake or +resist. Equally certain and surprising are the triumphs of gentleness. +It assumes nothing, yet it can disarm the stoutest opposition; it +yields, but yielding is the element of its strength; it endures, but in +the warfare victory is not gained by doing, but by suffering." + +43. Perfect composure of manner requires perfect peace of mind, so you +should, as far as lies in human power, avoid the evils which make an +unquiet mind, and, first of all, avoid that cheating, swindling process +called "running in debt." Owe no man anything; avoid it as you would +avoid war, pestilence, and famine. Hate it with a perfect hatred. As you +value comfort, quiet, and independence, keep out of debt. As you value a +healthy appetite, placid temper, pleasant dreams, and happy wakings, +keep out of debt. It is the hardest of all task-masters; the most cruel +of all oppressors. It is a mill-stone about the neck. It is an incubus +on the heart. It furrows the forehead with premature wrinkles. It drags +the nobleness and kindness out of the port and bearing of a man; it +takes the soul out of his laugh, and all stateliness and freedom from +his walk. Come not, then, under its crushing dominion. + +44. Speak gently; a kind refusal will often wound less than a rough, +ungracious assent. + +45. "In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch your temper; +in society, watch your tongue." + +46. The true secret of pleasing all the world, is to have an humble +opinion of yourself. True goodness is invariably accompanied by +gentleness, courtesy, and humility. Those people who are always +"sticking on their dignity," are continually losing friends, making +enemies, and fostering a spirit of unhappiness in themselves. + +47. Are you a merchant? Remember that the counting-house is no less a +school of manners and temper than a school of morals. Vulgarity, +imperiousness, peevishness, caprice on the part of the heads, will +produce their corresponding effects upon the household. Some merchants +are petty tyrants. Some are too surly to be fit for any charge, unless +it be that of taming a shrew. The coarseness of others, in manner and +language, must either disgust or contaminate all their subordinates. In +one establishment you will encounter an unmanly levity, which precludes +all discipline. In another, a mock dignity, which supplies the juveniles +with a standing theme of ridicule. In a third, a capriciousness of mood +and temper, which reminds one of the prophetic hints of the weather in +the old almanacks--"windy"--"cool"--"very pleasant"--"blustering"--"look +out for storms"--and the like. And, in a fourth, a selfish acerbity, +which exacts the most unreasonable services, and never cheers a clerk +with a word of encouragement.--These are sad infirmities. Men ought not +to have clerks until they know how to treat them. Their own comfort, +too, would be greatly enhanced by a different deportment. + +48. If you are about to enter, or leave, a store or any door, and +unexpectedly meet a lady going the other way, stand aside and raise your +hat whilst she passes. If she is going the same way, and the door is +closed, pass before her, saying, "allow me," or, "permit me,"--open the +door, and hold it open whilst she passes. + +49. In entering a room where you will meet ladies, take your hat, cane, +and gloves in your left hand, that your right may be free to offer to +them. + +50. Never offer to shake hands with a lady; she will, if she wishes you +to do so, offer her hand to you, and it is an impertinence for you to do +so first. + +51. If you are seated in the most comfortable chair in a public room, +and a lady, an invalid, or an old man enters, rise, and offer your seat, +even if they are strangers to you. Many men will attend to these +civilities when with friends or acquaintances, and neglect them amongst +strangers, but the true gentleman will not wait for an introduction +before performing an act of courtesy. + +52. As both flattery and slander are in the highest degree blameable and +ungentlemanly, I would quote the rule of Bishop Beveridge, which +effectually prevents both. He says, "Never speak of a man's virtue +before his face, nor of his faults behind his back." + +53. Never enter a room, in which there are ladies, after smoking, until +you have purified both your mouth, teeth, hair, and clothes. If you wish +to smoke just before entering a saloon, wear an old coat and carefully +brush your hair and teeth before resuming your own. + +54. Never endeavor to attract the attention of a friend by nudging him, +touching his foot or hand secretly, or making him a gesture. If you +cannot speak to him frankly, you had best let him alone; for these +signals are generally made with the intention of ridiculing a third +person, and that is the height of rudeness. + +55. Button-holding is a common but most blameable breach of good +manners. If a man requires to be forcibly detained to listen to you, you +are as rude in thus detaining him, as if you had put a pistol to his +head and threatened to blow his brains out if he stirred. + +56. It is a great piece of rudeness to make a remark in general company, +which is intelligible to one person only. To call out, "George, I met D. +L. yesterday, and he says he will attend to that matter," is as bad as +if you went to George and whispered in his ear. + +57. In your intercourse with servants, nothing will mark you as a +well-bred man, so much as a gentle, courteous manner. A request will +make your wishes attended to as quickly as a command, and thanks for a +service, oil the springs of the servant's labor immensely. Rough, harsh +commands may make your orders obeyed well and promptly, but they will be +executed unwillingly, in fear, and, probably, dislike, while courtesy +and kindness will win a willing spirit as well as prompt service. + +58. Avoid eccentric conduct. It does not, as many suppose, mark a man of +genius. Most men of true genius are gentlemanly and reserved in their +intercourse with other men, and there are many fools whose folly is +called eccentricity. + +59. Avoid familiarity. Neither treat others with too great cordiality +nor suffer them to take liberties with you. To check the familiarity of +others, you need not become stiff, sullen, nor cold, but you will find +that excessive politeness on your own part, sometimes with a little +formality, will soon abash the intruder. + +60. Lazy, lounging attitudes in the presence of ladies are very rude. + +61. It is only the most arrant coxcomb who will boast of the favor shown +him by a lady, speak of her by her first name, or allow others to jest +with him upon his friendship or admiration for her. If he really admires +her, and has reason to hope for a future engagement with her, her name +should be as sacred to him as if she were already his wife; if, on the +contrary, he is not on intimate terms with her, then he adds a lie to +his excessively bad breeding, when using her name familiarly. + +62. "He that can please nobody is not so much to be pitied as he that +nobody can please." + +63. Speak without obscurity or affectation. The first is a mark of +pedantry, the second a sign of folly. A wise man will speak always +clearly and intelligibly. + +64. To betray a confidence is to make yourself despicable. Many things +are said among friends which are not said under a seal of secrecy, but +are understood to be confidential, and a truly honorable man will never +violate this tacit confidence. It is really as sacred as if the most +solemn promises of silence bound your tongue; more so, indeed, to the +true gentleman, as his sense of honor, not his word, binds him. + +65. Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue are absolutely +necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness +and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and +agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents, such as honor, +virtue, learning, and parts are above the generality of the world, who +neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others; but +all people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, +affability, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; because they +feel the good effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing." + +66. "Good sense must, in many cases, determine good breeding; because +the same thing that would be civil at one time and to one person, may be +quite otherwise at another time and to another person." + +67. Nothing can be more ill-bred than to meet a polite remark addressed +to you, either with inattention or a rude answer. + +68. Spirit is now a very fashionable word, but it is terribly +misapplied. In the present day to act with spirit and speak with spirit +means to act rashly and speak indiscretely. A gentleman shows his spirit +by firm, but gentle words and resolute actions. He is spirited but +neither rash nor timid. + +69. "Use kind words. They do not cost much. It does not take long to +utter them. They never blister the tongue or lips in their passage into +the world, or occasion any other kind of bodily suffering. And we have +never heard of any mental trouble arising from this quarter. + +"Though they do not COST much, yet they ACCOMPLISH much. They help one's +own good nature and good will. One cannot be in a habit of this kind, +without thereby picking away something of the granite roughness of his +own nature. Soft words will soften his own soul. Philosophers tell us +that the angry words a man uses, in his passion, are fuel to the flame +of his wrath, and make it blaze the more fiercely. Why, then, should not +words of the opposite character produce opposite results, and that most +blessed of all passions of the soul, kindness, be augmented by kind +words? People that are forever speaking kindly, are forever disinclining +themselves to ill-temper. + +"Kind words make other people good natured. Cold words freeze people, +and hot words scorch them, and sarcastic words irritate them, and bitter +words make them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. And kind +words also produce their own image on men's souls. And a beautiful image +it is. They soothe, and quiet, and comfort the hearer. They shame him +out of his sour, morose, unkind feelings, and he has to become kind +himself. + +"There is such a rush of all other kind of words, in our days, that it +seems desirable to give kind words a chance among them. There are vain +words, and idle words, and hasty words, and spiteful words, and silly +words, and empty words. Now, kind words are better than the whole of +them, and it is a pity that, among the improvements of the present age, +birds of this feather might not have more chance than they have had to +spread their wings. + +"Kind words are in danger of being driven from the field, like +frightened pigeons, in these days of boisterous words, and warlike +words, and passionate words. They have not the brass to stand up, like +so many grenadiers, and fight their own way among the throng. Besides, +they have been out of use so long, that they hardly know whether they +have any right to make their appearance any more in our bustling world; +not knowing but that, perhaps, the world was done with them, and would +not like their company any more. + +"Let us welcome them back. We have not done with them. We have not yet +begun to use them in such abundance as they ought to be used. We cannot +spare them." + +70. The first step towards pleasing every one is to endeavor to offend +no one. To give pain by a light or jesting remark is as much a breach of +etiquette, as to give pain by a wound made with a steel weapon, is a +breach of humanity. + +71. "A gentleman will never use his tongue to rail and brawl against any +one; to speak evil of others in their absence; to exaggerate any of his +statements; to speak harshly to children or to the poor; to swear, lie, +or use improper language; to hazard random and improbable statements; to +speak rashly or violently upon any subject; to deceive people by +circulating false reports, or to offer up _lip_-service in religion. But +he will use it to convey to mankind useful information; to instruct his +family and others who need it; to warn and reprove the wicked; to +comfort and console the afflicted; to cheer the timid and fearful; to +defend the innocent and oppressed; to plead for the widow and orphan; to +congratulate the success of the virtuous, and to confess, tearfully and +prayerfully, his faults." + +72. Chesterfield says, "Civility is particularly due to all women; and, +remember, that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not +being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be +reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to +their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior +strength of ours; nay, even a little is allowable with women: and a man +may, without weakness, tell a women she is either handsomer or wiser +than she is." (Chesterfield would not have said this in the present age +of strong minded, sensible women.) + +73. There is much tact and good breeding to be displayed in the +correction of any little error that may occur in conversation. To say, +shortly,--"You are wrong! I know better!" is rude, and your friends +will much more readily admit an error if you say courteously and gently, +"Pardon me, but I must take the liberty of correcting you," or, "You +will allow me, I am sure, to tell you that your informant made an +error." If such an error is of no real importance, it is better to let +it pass unnoticed. + +74. Intimate friends and relations should be careful when they go out +into the world together, or admit others to their own circle, that they +do not make a bad use of the knowledge which they have gained of each +other by their intimacy. Nothing is more common than this; and, did it +not mostly proceed from mere carelessness, it would be superlatively +ungenerous. You seldom need wait for the written life of a man to hear +about his weaknesses, or what are supposed to be such, if you know his +intimate friends, or meet him in company with them. + +75. In making your first visit anywhere, you will be less apt to offend +by being too ceremonious, than by being too familiar. + +76. With your friends remember the old proverb, that, "Familiarity +breeds contempt." + +77. If you meet, in society, with any one, be it a gentleman or a lady, +whose timidity or bashfulness, shows them unaccustomed to meeting +others, endeavor, by your own gentleness and courtesy, to place them +more at ease, and introduce to them those who will aid you in this +endeavor. + +78. If, when walking with a gentleman friend, you meet a lady to whom +your friend bows, you, too, must touch or raise your hat, though you +are not acquainted with the lady. + +79. "Although it is now very much the custom, in many wealthy families, +for the butler to remove the dishes from the table and carve them on the +sideboard, thus saving trouble to the master or mistress of the house, +and time to the guests, the practice is not so general even amongst what +are called the higher classes of society that general instructions for +carving will be uninteresting to them, to say nothing of the more +numerous class, who, although enabled to place good dishes before their +friends, are not wealthy enough to keep a butler if they were so +inclined. Good carving is, to a certain extent, indicative of good +society, for it proves to company that the host does not give a dinner +party for the first time, but is accustomed to receive friends, and +frequently to dispense the cheer of a hospitable board. The master or +mistress of a house, who does not know how to carve, is not unfrequently +looked upon as an ignorant _parvenu_, as a person who cannot take a hand +at whist, in good society, is regarded as one who has passed his time in +the parlor of a public house, playing at cribbage or all fours. +Independently, however, of the importance of knowing how to carve well, +for the purpose of regaling one's friends and acquaintances, the +science, and it is a science, is a valuable acquirement for any man, as +it enables him, at a public or private dinner, to render valuable aid. +There are many diners-out who are welcome merely because they know how +to carve. Some men amuse by their conversation; others are favorites +because they can sing a good song; but the man who makes himself useful +and agreeable to all, is he who carves with elegance and speed. We +recommend the novice in this art, to keep a watchful eye upon every +superior carver whom he may meet at dinner. In this way he will soon +become well versed in the art and mystery of cutting up." + +80. Years may pass over our heads without affording an opportunity for +acts of high beneficence or extensive utility; whereas, not a day +passes, but in common transactions of life, and, especially in the +intercourse of society, courtesy finds place for promoting the happiness +of others, and for strengthening in ourselves the habits of unselfish +politeness. There are situations, not a few, in human life, when an +encouraging reception, a condescending behaviour, and a look of +sympathy, bring greater relief to the heart than the most bountiful +gift. + +81. Cecil says, "You may easily make a sensation--but a sensation is a +vulgar triumph. To keep up the sensation of an excitement, you must be +always standing on your head (morally speaking), and the attitude, like +everything overstrained, would become fatiguing to yourself and tedious +to others. Whereas, to obtain permanent favor, as an agreeable, +well-bred man, requires simply an exercise of the understanding." + +82. There is no vice more truly ungentlemanly than that of using profane +language. Lamont says: + +"Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe there never was a +man who made a fortune by common swearing. It often appears that men pay +for swearing, but it seldom happens that they are paid for it. It is not +easy to perceive what honor or credit is connected with it. Does any +man receive promotion because he is a notable blusterer? Or is any man +advanced to dignity because he is expert at profane swearing? Never. Low +must be the character which such impertinence will exalt: high must be +the character which such impertinence will not degrade. Inexcusable, +therefore, must be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to +support it. The drunkard has his cups; the satirist, his revenge; the +ambitious man, his preferments; the miser, his gold; but the common +swearer has nothing; he is a fool at large, sells his soul for nought, +and drudges in the service of the devil gratis. Swearing is void of all +plea; it is not the native offspring of the soul, nor interwoven with +the texture of the body, nor, anyhow, allied to our frame. For, as +Tillotson expresses it, 'Though some men pour out oaths as if they were +natural, yet no man was ever born of a swearing constitution.' But it is +a custom, a low and a paltry custom, picked up by low and paltry spirits +who have no sense of honor, no regard to decency, but are forced to +substitute some rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good +sense. Hence, the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the +silliness of those who adopt it." + +83. Dr. Johnson says that to converse well "there must, in the first +place, be knowledge--there must be materials; in the second place, there +must be a command of words; in the third place, there must be +imagination to place things in such views as they are not commonly seen +in; and, in the fourth place, there must be a presence of mind, and a +resolution that is not to be overcome by failure--this last is an +essential requisite; for want of it, many people do not excel in +conversation." + +84. "Do not constantly endeavor to draw the attention of all upon +yourself when in company. Leave room for your hearers to imagine +something within you beyond what you speak; and, remember, the more you +are praised the more you will be envied." + +85. Be very careful to treat with attention and respect those who have +lately met with misfortunes, or have suffered from loss of fortune. Such +persons are apt to think themselves slighted, when no such thing is +intended. Their minds, being already sore, feel the least rub very +severely, and who would thus cruelly add affliction to the afflicted? +Not the _gentleman_ certainly. + +86. There is hardly any bodily blemish which a winning behavior will not +conceal or make tolerable; and there is no external grace which +ill-nature or affectation will not deform. + +87. Good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of the satirist; +but if you are the first to laugh at a jest made upon yourself, others +will laugh _with_ you instead of _at_ you. + +88. Whenever you see a person insult his inferiors, you may feel assured +that he is the man who will be servile and cringing to his superiors; +and he who acts the bully to the weak, will play the coward when with +the strong. + +89. Maintain, in every word, a strict regard for perfect truth. Do not +think of one falsity as harmless, another as slight, a third as +unintended. Cast them all aside. They may be light and accidental, but +they are an ugly soot from the smoke of the pit for all that, and it is +better to have your heart swept clean of them, without stopping to +consider whether they are large and black. + +90. The advantage and necessity of cheerfulness and intelligent +intercourse with the world is strongly to be recommended. A man who +keeps aloof from society and lives only for himself, does not fulfil the +wise intentions of Providence, who designed that we should be a mutual +help and comfort to each other in life. + +91. Chesterfield says, "Merit and good breeding will make their way +everywhere. Knowledge will introduce man, and good breeding will endear +him to the best companies; for, politeness and good breeding are +absolutely necessary to adorn any, or all, other good qualities or +talents. Without them, no knowledge, no perfection whatever, is seen in +its best light. The scholar, without good breeding, is a pedant; the +philosopher, a cynic; the soldier, a brute; and every man disagreeable." + +92. It is very seldom that a man may permit himself to tell stories in +society; they are, generally, tedious, and, to many present, will +probably have all the weariness of a "twice-told tale." A short, +brilliant anecdote, which is especially applicable to the conversation +going on, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit himself to +inflict. + +93. It is better to take the tone of the society into which you are +thrown, than to endeavor to lead others after you. The way to become +truly popular is to be grave with the grave, jest with the gay, and +converse sensibly with those who seek to display their sense. + +94. Watch each of your actions, when in society, that all the habits +which you contract there may be useful and good ones. Like flakes of +snow that fall unperceived upon the earth, the seemingly unimportant +events of life succeed one another. As the snow gathers together, so are +our habits formed. No single flake that is added to the pile produces a +sensible change--no single action creates, however it may exhibit, a +man's character; but, as the tempest hurls the avalanche down the +mountain, and overwhelms the inhabitant and his habitation, so passion, +acting upon the elements of mischief, which pernicious habits have +brought together by imperceptible accumulation, may overthrow the +edifice of truth and virtue. + +95. There is no greater fault in good breeding than too great +diffidence. Shyness cramps every motion, clogs every word. The only way +to overcome the fault is to mix constantly in society, and the habitual +intercourse with others will give you the graceful ease of manner which +shyness utterly destroys. + +96. If you are obliged to leave a large company at an early hour, take +French leave. Slip away unperceived, if you can, but, at any rate, +without any formal leave-taking. + +97. Avoid quarrels. If you are convinced, even, that you have the right +side in an argument, yield your opinion gracefully, if this is the only +way to avoid a quarrel, saying, "We cannot agree, I see, but this +inability must not deprive me of a friend, so we will discuss the +subject no further." Few men will be able to resist your courtesy and +good nature, but many would try to combat an obstinate adherence to +your own side of the question. + +98. Avoid the filthy habit of which foreigners in this country so justly +complain--I mean spitting. + +99. If any one bows to you in the street, return the bow. It may be an +acquaintance whose face you do not immediately recognize, and if it is a +stranger who mistakes you for another, your courteous bow will relieve +him from the embarrassment arising from his mistake. + +100. The following hints on conversation conclude the chapter:-- + +"Conversation may be carried on successfully by persons who have no idea +that it is or may be an art, as clever things are sometimes done without +study. But there can be no certainty of good conversation in ordinary +circumstances, and amongst ordinary minds, unless certain rules be +observed, and certain errors be avoided. + +"The first and greatest rule unquestionably is, that all must be +favorably disposed towards each other, and willing to be pleased. There +must be no sullen or uneasy-looking person--no one who evidently thinks +he has fallen into unsuitable company, and whose sole aim it is to take +care lest his dignity be injured--no one whose feelings are of so morose +or ascetic a kind that he cannot join without observable pain and +hesitation in the playfulness of the scene--no matter-of-fact person, +who takes all things literally, and means all things literally, and +thinks it as great a crime to say something in jest as to do it in +earnest. One of any of these classes of persons is sufficient to mar the +enjoyments of a hundred. The matter-of-factish may do very well with +the matter-of-factish, the morose with the morose, the stilted with the +stilted; and they should accordingly keep amongst themselves +respectively. But, for what is generally recognized as agreeable +conversation, minds exempted from these peculiarities are required. + +"The ordinary rules of politeness are, of course, necessary--no +rudeness, no offence to each other's self-esteem; on the contrary, much +mutual deference is required, in order to keep all the elements of a +company sweet. Sometimes, however, there is a very turbid kind of +conversation, where there is no want of common good breeding. This, most +frequently, arises from there being too great a disposition to speak, +and too small a disposition to listen. Too many are eager to get their +ideas expressed, or to attract attention; and the consequence is, that +nothing is heard but broken snatches and fragments of discourse, in +which there is neither profit nor entertainment. No man listens to what +another has to say, and then makes a relative or additionally +illustrative remark. One may be heard for a minute, or half a minute, +but it is with manifest impatience; and the moment he is done, or stops +to draw breath, the other plunges in with what _he_ had to say, being +something quite of another strain, and referring to another subject. He +in his turn is interrupted by a third, with the enunciation of some +favorite ideas of his, equally irrelative; and thus conversation becomes +no conversation, but a contention for permission to speak a few hurried +words, which nobody cares to hear, or takes the trouble to answer. +Meanwhile, the modest and weak sit silent and ungratified. The want of +regulation is here very manifest. It would be better to have a president +who should allow everybody a minute in succession to speak without +interruption, than thus to have freedom, and so monstrously to abuse it. +The only remedy, as far as meetings by invitation are concerned, is to +take care that no more eager talkers are introduced than are absolutely +necessary to prevent conversation from flagging. One to every six or +eight persons is the utmost that can be safely allowed. + +"The danger of introducing politics, or any other notoriously +controversial subject, in mixed companies, is so generally acknowledged, +that conversation is in little danger--at least in polite circles--from +that source. But wranglements, nevertheless, are apt to arise. Very +frequently the company falls together by the ears in consequence of the +starting of some topic in which facts are concerned--with which facts no +one chances to be acquainted. + +"Conversation is often much spoilt through slight inattentions or +misapprehensions on the part of a particular member of the company. In +the midst of some interesting narrative or discussion, he suddenly puts +all to a stop, in order that some little perplexity may be explained, +which he could never have fallen into, if he had been paying a fair +degree of attention to what was going on. Or he has some precious +prejudice jarred upon by something said, or supposed to be said, and all +is at a stand, till he has been, through the united exertions of a vexed +company, re-assured and put at his ease. Often the most frivolous +interruption from such causes will disconcert the whole strain of the +conversation, and spoil the enjoyment of a score of people. + +"The eager speakers, already alluded to, are a different class from +those who may be called the determinedly loquacious. A thoroughly +loquacious man has no idea of anything but a constant outpouring of talk +from his own mouth. If he stops for a moment, he thinks he is not doing +his duty to the company; and, anxious that there should be no cause of +complaint against him on that score, he rather repeats a sentence, or +gives the same idea in different words, or hums and haws a little, than +allow the least pause to take place. The notion that any other body can +be desirous of saying a word, never enters his head. He would as soon +suppose that a beggar was anxious to bestow alms upon him, as that any +one could wish to speak, as long as he himself was willing to save them +the trouble. Any attempt to interrupt him is quite hopeless. The only +effect of the sound of another voice is to raise the sound of his own, +so as to drown it. Even to give a slight twist or turn to the flow of +his ideas, is scarce possible. When a decided attempt is made to get in +a few words, he only says, with an air of offended feeling, set off with +a tart courtesy, 'Allow me, sir,' or, 'When you are done, sir;' as if he +were a man whom nobody would allow, on any occasion, to say all he had +to say. If, however, he has been permitted to talk on and on incessantly +a whole evening, to the complete closing of the mouths of the rest, he +goes away with all the benevolent glow of feeling which arises from a +gratified faculty, remarking to the gentleman who takes his arm, 'What a +great deal of pleasant conversation we have had!' and chatters forth +all the way home such sentences as, 'Excellent fellow, our host,' +'charming wife,' 'delightful family altogether,' 'always make everybody +so happy.' + +"Another class of spoilers of conversation are the loud talkers or +blusterers. They are not numerous, but one is enough to destroy the +comfort of thirty people for a whole evening. The least opposition to +any of his ideas makes the blusterer rise in his might, and bellow, and +roar, and bellow again, till the whole company is in something like the +condition of AEneas's fleet after Eolus has done his worst. The society +enjoyed by this kind of man is a series of _first invitations_. + +"While blusterers and determinedly loquacious persons are best left to +themselves, and while endless worryings on unknown things are to be +avoided, it is necessary both that one or two good conversationists +should be at every party, and that the strain of the conversation should +not be allowed to become too tame. In all invited parties, eight of +every ten persons are disposed to hold their peace, or to confine +themselves to monosyllabic answers to commonplace inquiries. It is +necessary, therefore, that there should be _some_ who can speak, and +that fluently, if not entertainingly--only not too many. But all +engrossing of conversation, and all turbulence, and over-eagerness, and +egotism, are to be condemned. A very soft and quiet manner has, at last, +been settled upon, in the more elevated circles, as the best for +conversation. Perhaps they carry it to a pitch of affectation; but, yet, +when we observe the injurious consequences of the opposite style in less +polite companies, it is not easy to avoid the conclusion that the great +folks are, upon the whole, right. In the courtly scene, no one has his +ears offended with loud and discordant tones, no one is condemned to +absolute silence. All display in conversation will not depend on the +accidental and external quality of strength of voice, as it must do +where a loud and contentious style of talking is allowed; the soft-toned +and the weak-lunged will have as good a chance as their more robust +neighbors; and it will be possible for all both to speak and to hear. +There may be another advantage in its being likely to produce less +mental excitement than the more turbulent kind of society. But +_regulation_ is, we are persuaded, the thing most of all wanted in the +conversational meetings of the middle classes. People interrupt each +other too much--are too apt to run away into their own favorite themes, +without caring for the topic of their neighbors--too frequently wrangle +about trifles. The regularity of a debating society would be +intolerable; but some certain degree of method might certainly be +introduced with great advantage. There should, at least, be a vigorous +enforcement of the rule against more than one speaking at a time, even +though none of those waiting for their turn should listen to a word he +says. Without this there may be much talk, and even some merriment, but +no conversation." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +PARTIES. + + +Now, there are many different kinds of parties. There are the evening +party, the matinee, the reading, dancing, and singing parties, the +picnic, the boating, and the riding parties; and the duties for each one +are distinct, yet, in many points, similar. Our present subject is:-- + + +THE EVENING PARTY. + +These are of two kinds, large and small. For the first, you will receive +a formal card, containing the compliments of your hostess for a certain +evening, and this calls for full dress, a dress coat, and white or very +light gloves. To the small party you will probably be invited verbally, +or by a more familiar style of note than the compliment card. Here you +may wear gloves if you will, but you need not do so unless perfectly +agreeable to yourself. + +If you are to act as escort to a lady, you must call at the hour she +chooses to name, and the most elegant way is to take a carriage for her. +If you wish to present a bouquet, you may do so with perfect propriety, +even if you have but a slight acquaintance with her. + +When you reach the house of your hostess for the evening, escort your +companion to the dressing-room, and leave her at the door. After you +have deposited your own hat and great-coat in the gentlemen's +dressing-room, return to the ladies' door and wait for your companion. +Offer her your right arm, and lead her to the drawing-room, and, at +once, to the hostess, then take her to a seat, and remain with her until +she has other companions, before you seek any of your own friends in the +room. + +There is much more real enjoyment and sociability in a _well-arranged_ +party, than in a ball, though many of the points of etiquette to be +observed in the latter are equally applicable to the former. There is +more time allowed for conversation, and, as there are not so many people +collected, there is also more opportunity for forming acquaintances. At +a _soiree_, _par excellence_, music, dancing, and conversation are all +admissible, and if the hostess has tact and discretion this variety is +very pleasing. As there are many times when there is no pianist or music +engaged for dancing, you will do well, if you are a performer on the +piano-forte, to learn some quadrilles, and round dances, that you may +volunteer your services as _orchestra_. Do not, in this case, wait to be +solicited to play, but offer your services to the hostess, or, if there +is a lady at the piano, ask permission to relieve her. To turn the +leaves for another, and sometimes call figures, are also good natured +and well-bred actions. + +There is one piece of rudeness very common at parties, against which I +would caution you. Young people very often form a group, and indulge in +the most boisterous merriment and loud laughter, for jests known only to +themselves. Do not join such a group. A well-bred man, while he is +cheerful and gay, will avoid any appearance of romping in society. + +If dancing is to be the amusement for the evening, your first dance +should be with the lady whom you accompanied, then, invite your hostess, +and, if there are several ladies in the family you must invite each of +them once, in the course of the evening. If you go alone, invite the +ladies of the house before dancing with any of your other lady friends. + +Never attempt any dance with which you are not perfectly familiar. +Nothing is more awkward and annoying than to have one dancer, by his +ignorance of the figures, confuse all the others in the set, and +certainly no man wants to show off his ignorance of the steps of a round +dance before a room full of company. + +Do not devote yourself too much to one lady. A party is meant to promote +sociability, and a man who persists in a tete-a-tete for the evening, +destroys this intention. Besides you prevent others from enjoying the +pleasure of intercourse with the lady you thus monopolize. + +Avoid any affectation of great intimacy with any lady present; and even +if you really enjoy such intimacy, or she is a relative, do not appear +to have confidential conversation, or, in any other way, affect airs of +secrecy or great familiarity. + +Dance easily and gracefully, keeping perfect time, but not taking too +great pains with your steps. If your whole attention is given to your +feet or carriage, you will probably be mistaken for a dancing master. + +When you conduct your partner to a seat after a dance, you may sit or +stand beside her to converse, unless you see that another gentleman is +waiting to invite her to dance. + +Do not take the vacant seat next a lady unless you are acquainted with +her. + +After dancing, do not offer your hand, but your arm, to conduct your +partner to her seat. + +If music is called for and you are able to play or sing, do so when +first invited, or, if you refuse then, do not afterwards comply. If you +refuse, and then alter your mind you will either be considered a vain +coxcomb, who likes to be urged; or some will conclude that you refused +at first from mere caprice, for, if you had a good reason for declining, +why change your mind? + +Never offer to turn the leaves of music for any one playing, unless you +can read the notes, for you run the risk of confusing them, by turning +too soon or too late. + +If you sing a good second, never sing with a lady unless she herself +invites you. Her friends may wish to hear you sing together, when she +herself may not wish to sing with one to whose voice and time she is +unaccustomed. + +Do not start a conversation whilst any one is either playing or singing, +and if another person commences one, speak in a tone that will not +prevent others from listening to the music. + +If you play yourself, do not wait for silence in the room before you +begin. If you play well, those really fond of music will cease to +converse, and listen to you; and those who do not care for it, will not +stop talking if you wait upon the piano stool until day dawn. + +Relatives should avoid each other at a party, as they can enjoy one +another's society at home, and it is the constantly changing +intercourse, and complete sociability that make a party pleasant. + +Private concerts and amateur theatricals are very often the occasions +for evening parties, and make a very pleasant variety on the usual +dancing and small talk. An English writer, speaking of them, says: + +"Private concerts and amateur theatricals ought to be very good to be +successful. Professionals alone should be engaged for the former, none +but real amateurs for the latter. Both ought to be, but rarely are, +followed by a supper, since they are generally very fatiguing, if not +positively trying. In any case, refreshments and ices should be handed +between the songs and the acts. Private concerts are often given in the +'morning,' that is, from two to six P. M.; in the evening their hours +are from eight to eleven. The rooms should be arranged in the same +manner as for a reception, the guests should be seated, and as music is +the avowed object, a general silence preserved while it lasts. Between +the songs the conversation ebbs back again, and the party takes the +general form of a reception. For private theatricals, however, where +there is no special theatre, and where the curtain is hung, as is most +common, between the folding-doors, the audience-room must be filled with +chairs and benches in rows, and, if possible, the back rows raised +higher than the others. These are often removed when the performance is +over, and the guests then converse, or, sometimes, even dance. During +the acting it is rude to talk, except in a very low tone, and, be it +good or bad, you would never think of hissing." + +If you are alone, and obliged to retire early from an evening party, do +not take leave of your hostess, but slip away unperceived. + +If you have escorted a lady, her time must be yours, and she will tell +you when she is ready to go. See whether the carriage has arrived before +she goes to the dressing-room, and return to the parlor to tell her. If +the weather was pleasant when you left home, and you walked, ascertain +whether it is still pleasant; if not, procure a carriage for your +companion. When it is at the door, join her in the drawing-room, and +offer your arm to lead her to the hostess for leave-taking, making your +own parting bow at the same time, then take your companion to the door +of the ladies' dressing-room, get your own hat and wait in the entry +until she comes out. + +When you reach your companion's house, do not accept her invitation to +enter, but ask permission to call in the morning, or the following +evening, and make that call. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +COURTESY AT HOME. + + +There are many men in this world, who would be horror struck if accused +of the least breach of etiquette towards their friends and acquaintances +abroad, and yet, who will at home utterly disregard the simplest rules +of politeness, if such rules interfere in the least with their own +selfish gratification. They disregard the pure and holy ties which +should make courtesy at home a pleasure as well as a duty. They forget +that home has a sweet poetry of its own, created out of the simplest +materials, yet, haunting, more or less, the secret recesses of every +human heart; it is divided into a thousand separate poems, which should +be full of individual interest, little quiet touches of feeling and +golden recollections, which, in the heart of a truly noble man, are +interwoven with his very being. Common things are, to him, hallowed and +made beautiful by the spell of memory and association, owing all their +glory to the halo of his own pure, fond affection. The eye of a stranger +rests coldly on such revelations; their simple pathos is hard to be +understood; and they smile oftentimes at the quaintness of those +passages which make others weep. With the beautiful instinct of true +affection, home love retains only the good. There were clouds then, +even as now, darkening the horizon of daily life, and breaking tears or +wild storms above our heads; but he remembers nothing save the sunshine, +and fancies somehow that it has never shone so bright since! How little +it took to make him happy in those days, aye, and sad also; but it was a +pleasant sadness, for he wept only over a flower or a book. But let us +turn to our first poem; and in using this term we allude, of course, to +the poetry of idea, rather than that of the measure; beauty of which is +so often lost to us from a vague feeling that it cannot exist without +rhythm. But pause and listen, first of all, gentle reader, to the living +testimony of a poet heart, brimful, and gushing over with home +love:--"There are not, in the unseen world, voices more gentle and more +true, that may be more implicitly relied on, or that are so certain to +give none but the tenderest counsel, as the voices in which the spirits +of the fireside and the hearth address themselves to human kind!" + +The man who shows his contempt for these holy ties and associations by +pulling off his mask of courtesy as soon as his foot passes his own +threshold, is not really a gentleman, but a selfish tyrant, whose true +qualities are not courtesy and politeness, but a hypocritical +affectation of them, assumed to obtain a footing in society. Avoid such +men. Even though you are one of the favored ones abroad who receive +their gentle courtesy, you may rest assured that the heartless egotism +which makes them rude and selfish at home, will make their friendship +but a name, if circumstances ever put it to the test. Above all, avoid +their example. + +In what does the home circle consist? First, there are the parents who +have watched over your infancy and childhood, and whom you are commanded +by the Highest Power to "honor." Then the brothers and sisters, the wife +who has left her own home and all its tender ties for your sake, and the +children who look to you for example, guidance, and instruction. + +Who else on the broad earth can lay the same claim to your gentleness +and courtesy that they can? If you are rude at home, then is your +politeness abroad a mere cloak to conceal a bad, selfish heart. + +The parents who have anxiously watched over your education, have the +first right to the fruits of it, and all the _gentleman_ should be +exerted to repay them for the care they have taken of you since your +birth. All the rules of politeness, of generosity, of good nature, +patience, and respectful affection should be exerted for your parents. +You owe to them a pure, filial love, void of personal interest, which +should prompt you to study all their tastes, their likes, and aversions, +in order to indulge the one and avoid the other; you owe to them polite +attention, deference to all their wishes, and compliance with their +requests. Every joy will be doubled to them, if you show a frank +pleasure in its course, and no comfort can soothe the grief of a parent +so much as the sympathizing love of a dutiful son. If they are old, +dependent upon you for support, then can you still better prove to them +that the tender care they lavished upon you, when you depended upon +their love for everything, was not lost, but was good seed sown upon +fruitful ground. Nay, if with the infirmities of age come the crosses +of bad temper, or exacting selfishness, your duty still lies as plainly +before you. It is but the promptings of natural affection that will lead +you to love and cherish an indulgent parent; but it is a pure, high +virtue which makes a son love and cherish with an equal affection a +selfish, negligent mother, or a tyrannical, harsh father. No failure in +their duty can excuse you if you fail in yours; and, even if they are +wicked, you are not to be their judge, but, while you detest and avoid +their sin, you must still love the sinner. Nothing but the grossest and +most revolting brutality could make a man reproach his parents with the +feebleness of age or illness, or the incapacity to exert their talents +for support. + +An eminent writer, in speaking of a man's duties, says: "Do all in your +power to render your parents comfortable and happy; if they are aged and +infirm, be with them as often as you can, carry them tokens of your +love, and show them that you feel a tender interest in their happiness. +Be all to your parents, which you would wish your children to be to +you." + +Next, in the home circle, come your brothers and sisters, and here you +will find the little courtesies, which, as a gentleman, should be +habitual to you, will ensure the love a man should most highly prize, +the love of his brother and sister. Next to his filial love, this is the +first tie of his life, and should be valued as it deserves. + +If you are the eldest of the family, you may, by your example, influence +your brothers to good or evil, and win or alienate the affections of +your little sisters. There is scarcely a more enthusiastic affection in +the world than that a sister feels for an elder brother. Even though he +may not repay the devotion as it deserves, she will generally cherish +it, and invest him with the most heroic qualities, while her tender +little heart, though it may quiver with the pain of a harsh word or rude +action, will still try to find an excuse for "brother's" want of +affection. If you show an interest in the pursuits of the little circle +at whose head your age entitles you to stand, you will soon find they +all look up to you, seek your advice, crave your sympathy, and follow +your example. The eldest son holds a most responsible position. Should +death or infirmity deprive him of a father's counsel, he should be +prepared to stand forth as the head of the family, and take his father's +place towards his mother and the younger children. + +Every man should feel, that in the character and dignity of his sisters +his own honor is involved. An insult or affront offered to them, becomes +one to him, and he is the person they will look to for protection, and +to prevent its repetition. By his own manner to them he can ensure to +them the respect or contempt of other men whom they meet when in his +society. How can he expect that his friends will treat his sisters with +gentleness, respect, and courtesy, if they see him constantly rude, +disrespectful, and contemptuous towards them? But, if his own manner is +that of affectionate respect, he need not fear for them rudeness from +others, while they are under his protection. An American writer says:-- + +"Nothing in a family strikes the eye of a visitor with more delight than +to see brothers treat their sisters with kindness, civility, attention, +and love. On the contrary, nothing is more offensive or speaks worse +for the honor of a family, than that coarse, rude, unkind manner which +brothers sometimes exhibit." + +The same author says:-- + +"Beware how you speak of your sisters. Even gold is tarnished by much +handling. If you speak in their praise--of their beauty, learning, +manners, wit, or attentions--you will subject them to taunt and +ridicule; if you say anything against them, you will bring reproach upon +yourself and them too. If you have occasion to speak of them, do it with +modesty and few words. Let others do all the praising and yourself enjoy +it. If you are separated from them, maintain with them a correspondence. +This will do yourself good as well as them. Do not neglect this duty, +nor grow remiss in it. Give your friendly advice and seek theirs in +return. As they mingle intimately with their sex, they can enlighten +your mind respecting many particulars relating to female character, +important for you to know; and, on the other hand, you have the same +opportunity to do them a similar service. However long or widely +separated from them, keep up your fraternal affection and intercourse. +It is ominous of evil when a young man forgets his sister. + +"If you are living at home with them, you may do them a thousand little +services, which will cost you nothing but pleasure, and which will +greatly add to theirs. If they wish to go out in the evening--to a +lecture, concert, a visit, or any other object,--always be happy, if +possible, to wait upon them. Consider their situation, and think how +you would wish them to treat you if the case were reversed." + +A young man once said to an elderly lady, who expressed her regret at +his having taken some trouble and denied himself a pleasure to gratify +her:-- + +"Madam, I am far away from my mother and sisters now, but when I was at +home, my greatest pleasure was to protect them and gratify all their +wishes; let me now place you in their stead, and you will not have cause +again to feel regret, for you can think 'he _must love_ to deny himself +for one who represents his mother.'" + +The old lady afterwards spoke of him as a perfect gentleman, and was +contradicted by a younger person who quoted some fault in etiquette +committed by the young man in company. "Ah, that may be," said her +friend; "but what I call a gentleman, is not the man who performs to the +minutest point all the little ceremonies of society, but the one whose +_heart_ prompts him to be polite at home." + +If you have left the first home circle, that comprising your parents, +brothers, and sisters, to take up the duties of a husband and father, +you must carry to your new home the same politeness I have advised you +to exert in the home of your childhood. + +Your wife claims your courtesy more now, even, than when you were +courting her. She has given up, for your sake, all the freedom and +pleasures of her maidenhood, and to you she looks for a love that will +replace them all. Can you disappoint that trusting affection? Before +your marriage you thought no stretch of courtesy too great, if the +result was to afford her pleasure; why, then, not strive to _keep_ her +love, by the same gentle courtesy you exerted to _win_ it? + +"A delicate attention to the minute wants and wishes of your wife, will +tend, more than anything else, to the promotion of your domestic +happiness. It requires no sacrifices, occupies but a small degree of +attention, yet is the fertile source of bliss; since it convinces the +object of your regard, that, with the duties of a husband, you have +united the more punctilious behaviour of a lover. These trivial tokens +of regard certainly make much way in the affections of a woman of sense +and discernment, who looks not to the value of the gifts she receives, +but perceives in their frequency a continued evidence of the existence +and ardor of that love on which the superstructure of her happiness has +been erected. The strongest attachment will decline, if you receive it +with diminished warmth." + +Mrs. Thrale gives the following advice, which is worth the consideration +of every young man: + +"After marriage," she says, "when your violence of passion subsides, and +a more cool and tranquil affection takes its place, be not hasty to +censure as indifferent, or to lament yourself as unhappy; you have lost +that only which it is impossible to retain; and it were graceless amidst +the pleasures of a prosperous summer, to regret the blossoms of a +transient spring. Neither unwarily condemn your bride's insipidity, till +you have recollected that no object, however sublime, no sound, however +charming, can continue to transport us with delight, when they no longer +strike us with novelty. The skill to renovate the powers of pleasing is +said, indeed, to be possessed by some women in an eminent degree, but +the artifices of maturity are seldom seen to adorn the innocence of +youth. You have made your choice and ought to approve it. + +"To be happy, we must always have something in view. Turn, therefore, +your attention to her mind, which will daily grow brighter by polishing. +Study some easy science together, and acquire a similarity of tastes, +while you enjoy a community of pleasures. You will, by this means, have +many pursuits in common, and be freed from the necessity of separating +to find amusement; endeavor to cement the present union on every side; +let your wife never be kept ignorant of your income, your expenses, your +friendships, or your aversions; let her know your very faults, but make +them amiable by your virtues; consider all concealment as a breach of +fidelity; let her never have anything to find out in your character, and +remember that from the moment one of the partners turns spy upon the +other, they have commenced a state of hostility. + +"Seek not for happiness in singularity, and dread a refinement of wisdom +as a deviation into folly. Listen not to those sages who advise you +always to scorn the counsel of a woman, and if you comply with her +requests pronounce you to be wife-ridden. Think not any privation, +except of positive evil, an excellence; and do not congratulate yourself +that your wife is not a learned lady, or is wholly ignorant how to make +a pudding. Cooking and learning are both good in their places, and may +both be used with advantage. With regard to expense, I can only observe, +that the money laid out in the purchase of luxuries is seldom or ever +profitably employed. We live in an age when splendid furniture and +glittering equipage are grown too common to catch the notice of the +meanest spectator; and for the greater ones, they can only regard our +wasteful folly with silent contempt or open indignation. + +"This may, perhaps, be a displeasing reflection; but the following +consideration ought to make amends. The age we live in pays, I think, a +peculiar attention to the higher distinctions of wit, knowledge, and +virtue, to which we may more safely, more cheaply, and more honorably +aspire. + +"The person of your lady will not grow more pleasing to you; but, pray, +let her not suspect that it grows less so. There is no reproof, however +pointed, no punishment, however severe, that a woman of spirit will not +prefer to neglect; and if she can endure it without complaint, it only +proves that she means to make herself amends by the attention of others +for the slights of her husband. For this, and for every other reason, it +behoves a married man not to let his politeness fail, though his ardour +may abate; but to retain, at least, that general civility towards his +own lady which he is willing to pay to every other, and not show a wife +of eighteen or twenty years old, that every man in company can treat her +with more complaisance than he who so often vowed to her eternal +fondness. + +"It is not my opinion that a young woman should be indulged in every +wild wish of her gay heart, or giddy head; but contradiction may be +softened by domestic kindness, and quiet pleasures substituted in the +place of noisy ones. Public amusements, indeed, are not so expensive as +is sometimes imagined; but they tend to alienate the minds of married +people from each other. A well-chosen society of friends and +acquaintances, more eminent for virtue and good sense than for gaiety +and splendor, where the conversation of the day may afford comment for +the evening, seems the most rational pleasure that can be afforded. That +your own superiority should always be seen, but never felt, seems an +excellent general rule. + +"If your wife is disposed towards jealousy of you, let me beseech you be +always explicit with her, never mysterious. Be above delighting in her +pain in all things." + +After your duty to your wife comes that towards the children whom God +lends to you, to fit them to return pure and virtuous to him. This is +your task, responsibility, and trust, to be undertaken prayerfully, +earnestly, and humbly, as the highest and most sacred duty this life +ever can afford you. + +The relationship between parent and child, is one that appears to have +been ordained by Providence, to bring the better feelings of mankind and +many domestic virtues into active exercise. The implicit confidence with +which children, when properly treated, look up to their elders for +guidance is not less beautiful than endearing; and no parents can set +about the work of guiding aright, in real earnest, without deriving as +much good as they impart. The feeling with which this labor of love +would be carried forward is, as the poet writes of mercy, twice +blessed:-- + + "It blesses him that gives and him that takes." + +And yet, in daily life and experience, how seldom do we find these views +realized! Children, in too many instances, are looked on as anything but +a blessing; they are treated as incumbrances, or worse; and the neglect +in which they are brought up, renders it almost impossible for them, +when they grow older, to know anything properly of moral or social +duties. This result we know, in numerous cases, is not willful, does not +arise from ill intentions on the part of parents, but from want of fixed +plans and principles. There are hundreds of families in this country +whose daily life is nothing better than a daily scramble, where time and +place, from getting up in the morning to going to bed at night, are +regarded as matters of chance. In such homes as these, where the inmates +are willing to do well, but don't know how, a word in season is often +welcome. "Great principles," we are told, "are at the bottom of all +things; but to apply them to daily life, many little rules, precautions, +and insights are needed." + +The work of training is, in some degree, lightened by the fact, that +children are very imitative; what they see others do, they will try to +do themselves, and if they see none but good examples, good conduct on +their part may naturally be looked for. Children are keen observers, and +are very ready at drawing conclusions when they see a want of +correspondence between profession and practice, in those who have the +care of them. At the age of seven, the child's brain has reached its +full growth; it seldom becomes larger after that period, and it then +contains the germ of all that the man ever accomplishes. Here is an +additional reason for laying down the precept:--be yourselves what you +wish the children to be. When correction is necessary, let it be +administered in such a way as to make the child refrain from doing wrong +from a desire to do right, not for the sole reason that wrong brings +punishment. All experience teaches us that if a good thing is to be +obtained, it must be by persevering diligence; and of all good things, +the pleasure arising from a well-trained family is one of the greatest. +Parents, or educators, have no right to use their children just as whim +or prejudice may dictate. Children are smaller links in the great social +chain, and bind together in lasting ties many portions which otherwise +would be completely disjointed; their joyousness enlivens many a home, +and their innocence is a powerful check and antidote to much that is +evil. The implicit obedience which is required of them, will always be +given when called forth by a spirit of forbearance, self-sacrifice, and +love:-- + + "Ere long comes the reward, + And for the cares and toils we have endured, + Repays us joys and pleasures manifold." + +If you cherish and honor your own parents, then do you give your +children the most forcible teaching for their duty, _example_. And your +duty to your children requires your example to be good in all things. +How can you expect counsel to virtue to have any effect, if you +constantly contradict it by a bad example? Do not forget, that early +impressions are deep and lasting, and from their infancy let them see +you keep an upright, noble walk in life, then may you hope to see them +follow in your footsteps. + +Justice, as a sentiment, is inborn, and no one distinguishes its +niceties more quickly than a child. Therefore in your rewards and +punishments examine carefully every part of their conduct, and judge +calmly, not hastily, and be sure you are just. An unmerited reward will +make a child question your judgment as much as an unmerited punishment. + +Guard your temper. Never reprove a child in the heat of passion. + +If your sons see that you regard the rules of politeness in your home, +you will find that they treat their mother and sisters with respect and +courtesy, and observe, even in play, the rules of etiquette your example +teaches; but if you are a domestic tyrant, all your elder and stronger +children will strive to act like "father," by ill-treating or neglecting +the younger and weaker ones. + +Make them, from the moment they begin to talk, use pure and grammatical +language, avoid slang phrases, and, above all, profanity. You will find +this rule, enforced during childhood, will have more effect than a +library full of books or the most unwearied instruction can accomplish, +after bad habits in conversation have once been formed. + +Make them, from early childhood, observe the rules of politeness towards +each other. Let your sons treat your daughters as, when men, you would +have them treat other females, and let your daughters, by gentleness and +love, repay these attentions. You may feel sure that the brothers and +sisters, who are polite one to another, will not err in etiquette when +abroad. + +In the home circle may very properly be included the humble portion, +whose onerous duties are too often repaid by harshness and rudeness; I +mean the servants. A true gentleman, while he never allows familiarity +from his servants, will always remember that they are human beings, who +feel kindness or rudeness as keenly as the more favored ones up stairs. +Chesterfield says:-- + +"There is a certain politeness _due_ to your inferiors, and whoever is +without it, is without good nature. We do not need to compliment our +servants, nor to talk of their doing us the honor, &c., but we ought to +treat them with benevolence and mildness. We are all of the same +species, and no distinction whatever is between us, except that which +arises from fortune. For example, your footman and cook would be your +equals were they as rich as you. Being poor they are obliged to serve +you. Therefore, you must not add to their misfortunes by insulting or +ill-treating them. If your situation is preferable to theirs, be +thankful, without either despising them or being vain of your better +fortune. You must, therefore, treat all your inferiors with affability +and good manners, and not speak to them in a surly tone, nor with harsh +expressions, as if they were of a different species. A good heart never +reminds people of their inferiority, but endeavors to alleviate their +misfortunes, and make them forget them." + +"Example," says Mrs. Parkes, "is of the greatest importance to our +servants, particularly those who are young, whose habits are frequently +formed by the first service they enter. With the mild and good, they +become softened and improved, but with the dissipated and violent, are +too often disorderly and vicious. It is, therefore, not among the least +of the duties incumbent on the head of the family, to place in their +view such examples as are worthy their imitation. But these examples, +otherwise praiseworthy, should neither be rendered disagreeable, nor +have their force diminished by any accompaniment of ill humor. Rather by +the happiness and comfort resulting from our conduct towards our +domestics, should they be made sensible of the beauty of virtue. What we +admire, we often strive to imitate, and thus they may be led on to +imitate good principles, and to form regular and virtuous habits." + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +TRUE COURTESY. + + +Politeness is the art of pleasing. It is to the deportment what the +finer touches of the pencil are to the picture, or what harmony is to +music. In the formation of character, it is indispensably requisite. "We +are all," says Locke, "a kind of chameleons, that take a tincture from +the objects which surround us." True courtesy, indeed, chiefly consists +in accommodating ourselves to the feelings of others, without descending +from our own dignity, or denuding ourselves of our own principles. By +constant intercourse with society, we acquire what is called politeness +almost intuitively, as the shells of the sea are rendered smooth by the +unceasing friction of the waves; though there appears to be a natural +grace about the well-bred, which many feel it difficult to attain. + +Religion itself teaches us to honor all men, and to do unto others as we +would others do unto us. This includes the whole principle of courtesy, +which in this we may remark, assimilates to the principle of justice. It +comprises, indeed, all the moral virtues in one, consisting not merely +in external show, but having its principle in the heart. The politeness +which superficial writers are fond of describing, has been defined as +"the appearance of all the virtues, without possessing one of them;" but +by this is meant the mere outward parade, or that kind of artificial +adornment of demeanor, which owes its existence to an over-refinement of +civility. Anything forced or formal is contrary to the very character of +courtesy, which does not consist in a becoming deportment alone, but is +prompted and guided by a superior mind, impelling the really polite +person to bear with the failings of some, to overlook the weakness of +others, and to endure patiently the caprices of all. Indeed, one of the +essential characteristics of courtesy is good nature, and an inclination +always to look at the bright side of things. + +The principal rules of politeness are, to subdue the temper, to submit +to the weakness of our fellow men, and to render to all their due, +freely and courteously. These, with the judgment to recommend ourselves +to those whom we meet in society, and the discrimination to know when +and to whom to yield, as well as the discretion to treat all with the +deference due to their reputation, station, or merit, comprise, in +general, the character of a polite man, over which the admission of even +one blot or shade will throw a blemish not easily removed. + +Sincerity is another essential characteristic of courtesy; for, without +it, the social system would have no permanent foundation or hope of +continuance. It is the want of this which makes society, what it is said +to be, artificial. + +Good breeding, in a great measure, consists in being easy, but not +indifferent; good humored, but not familiar; passive, but not +unconcerned. It includes, also, a sensibility nice, yet correct; a tact +delicate, yet true. There is a beautiful uniformity in the demeanor of a +polite man; and it is impossible not to be struck with his affable air. +There is a golden mean in the art, which it should be every body's +object to attain, without descending to obsequiousness on the one hand, +or to familiarity on the other. In politeness, as in everything else, +there is the medium betwixt too much and too little, betwixt constraint +and freedom; for civilities carried to extreme are wearisome, and mere +ceremony is not politeness, but the reverse. + +The truly pious people are the truly courteous. "Religion," says +Leighton, "is in this mistaken sometimes, in that we think it imprints a +roughness and austerity upon the mind and carriage. It doth, indeed, bar +all vanity and lightness, and all compliance;" but it softens the +manners, tempers the address, and refines the heart. + +Pride is one of the greatest obstacles to true courtesy that can be +mentioned. He who assumes too much on his own merit, shows that he does +not understand the simplest principles of politeness. The feeling of +pride is, of itself, highly culpable. No man, whether he be a monarch on +the throne, or the meanest beggar in his realm, possesses any right to +comport himself with a haughty or discourteous air towards his fellow +men. The poet truly says: + + "What most ennobles human nature, + Was ne'er the portion of the proud." + +It is easy to bestow a kind word, or assume a gracious smile; these +will recommend us to every one; while a haughty demeanor, or an austere +look, may forfeit forever the favor of those whose good opinion we may +be anxious to secure. The really courteous man has a thorough knowledge +of human nature, and can make allowances for its weaknesses. He is +always consistent with himself. The polite alone know how to make others +polite, as the good alone know how to inspire others with a relish for +virtue. + +Having mentioned pride as being opposed to true politeness, I may class +affectation with it, in that respect. Affectation is a deviation from, +at the same time that it is an imitation of, nature. It is the result of +bad taste, and of mistaken notions of one's own qualities. The other +vices are limited, and have each a particular object; but affectation +pervades the whole conduct, and detracts from the merit of whatever +virtues and good dispositions a man may possess. Beauty itself loses its +attraction, when disfigured by affectation. Even to copy from the best +patterns is improper, because the imitation can never be so good as the +original. Counterfeit coin is not so valuable as the real, and when +discovered, it cannot pass current. Affectation is a sure sign that +there is something to conceal, rather than anything to be proud of, in +the character and disposition of the persons practicing it. + +In religion, affectation, or, as it is fitly called, hypocrisy, is +reprehensible in the highest degree. However grave be their deportment, +of all affected persons, those who, without any real foundation, make +too great pretensions to piety, are certainly the most culpable. The +mask serves to conceal innumerable faults, and, as has been well +remarked, a false devotion too often usurps the place of the true. We +can less secure ourselves against pretenders in matters of religion, +than we can against any other species of impostors; because the mind +being biased in favor of the subject, consults not reason as to the +individual. The conduct of people, which cannot fail to be considered an +evidence of their principles, ought at all times to be conformable to +their pretensions. When God alone is all we are concerned for, we are +not solicitous about mere human approbation. + +Hazlitt says:--"Few subjects are more nearly allied than these +two--vulgarity and affectation. It may be said of them truly that 'thin +partitions do their bounds divide.' There cannot be a surer proof of a +low origin or of an innate meanness of disposition, than to be always +talking and thinking of being genteel. One must feel a strong tendency +to that which one is always trying to avoid; whenever we pretend, on all +occasions, a mighty contempt for anything, it is a pretty clear sign +that we feel ourselves very nearly on a level with it. Of the two +classes of people, I hardly know which is to be regarded with most +distaste, the vulgar aping the genteel, or the genteel constantly +sneering at and endeavoring to distinguish themselves from the vulgar. +These two sets of persons are always thinking of one another; the lower +of the higher with envy, the more fortunate of their less happy +neighbors with contempt. They are habitually placed in opposition to +each other; jostle in their pretensions at every turn; and the same +objects and train of thought (only reversed by the relative situations +of either party) occupy their whole time and attention. The one are +straining every nerve, and outraging common sense, to be thought +genteel; the others have no other object or idea in their heads than not +to be thought vulgar. This is but poor spite; a very pitiful style of +ambition. To be merely not that which one heartily despises, is a very +humble claim to superiority; to despise what one really is, is still +worse. + +"Gentility is only a more select and artificial kind of vulgarity. It +cannot exist but by a sort of borrowed distinction. It plumes itself up +and revels in the homely pretensions of the mass of mankind. It judges +of the worth of everything by name, fashion, opinion; and hence, from +the conscious absence of real qualities or sincere satisfaction in +itself, it builds its supercilious and fantastic conceit on the +wretchedness and wants of others. Violent antipathies are always +suspicious, and betray a secret affinity. The difference between the +'Great Vulgar and the Small' is mostly in outward circumstances. The +coxcomb criticises the dress of the clown, as the pedant cavils at the +bad grammar of the illiterate. Those who have the fewest resources in +themselves, naturally seek the food of their self-love elsewhere. The +most ignorant people find most to laugh at in strangers; scandal and +satire prevail most in country-places; and a propensity to ridicule +every the slightest or most palpable deviation from what we happen to +approve, ceases with the progress of common sense. True worth does not +exult in the faults and deficiencies of others; as true refinement turns +away from grossness and deformity instead of being tempted to indulge in +an unmanly triumph over it. Raphael would not faint away at the daubing +of a sign painter, nor Homer hold his head the higher for being in the +company of the poorest scribbler that ever attempted poetry. Real power, +real excellence, does not seek for a foil in inferiority, nor fear +contamination from coming in contact with that which is coarse and +homely. It reposes on itself, and is equally free from spleen and +affectation. But the spirit of both these small vices is in _gentility_ +as the word stands in vulgar minds: of affected delight in its own +would-be qualifications, and of ineffable disdain poured out upon the +involuntary blunders or accidental disadvantages of those whom it +chooses to treat as inferiors. + +"The essence of vulgarity, I imagine, consists in taking manners, +actions, words, opinions on trust from others, without examining one's +own feelings or weighing the merits of the case. It is coarseness or +shallowness of taste arising from want of individual refinement, +together with the confidence and presumption inspired by example and +numbers. It may be defined to be a prostitution of the mind or body to +ape the more or less obvious defects of others, because by so doing we +shall secure the suffrages of those we associate with. To affect a +gesture, an opinion, a phrase, because it is the rage with a large +number of persons, or to hold it in abhorrence because another set of +persons very little, if at all, better informed, cry it down to +distinguish themselves from the former, is in either case equal +vulgarity and absurdity. A thing is not vulgar merely because it is +common. 'Tis common to breathe, to see, to feel, to live. Nothing is +vulgar that is natural, spontaneous, unavoidable. Grossness is not +vulgarity, ignorance is not vulgarity, awkwardness is not vulgarity; but +all these become vulgar when they are affected, and shown off on the +authority of others, or to fall in with _the fashion_ or the company we +keep. Caliban is coarse enough, but surely he is not vulgar. We might as +well spurn the clod under our feet, and call it vulgar. + +"All slang phrases are vulgar; but there is nothing vulgar in the common +English idiom. Simplicity is not vulgarity; but the looking to +affectation of any sort for distinction is." + +To sum up, it may be said, that if you wish to possess the good opinion +of your fellow men, the way to secure it is, to be actually what you +pretend to be, or rather to appear always precisely what you are. Never +depart from the native dignity of your character, which you can only +maintain irreproachable by being careful not to imitate the vices, or +adopt the follies of others. The best way in all cases you will find to +be, to adhere to truth, and to abide by the talents and appliances which +have been bestowed upon you by Providence. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +LETTER WRITING. + + +There is no branch of a man's education, no portion of his intercourse +with other men, and no quality which will stand him in good stead more +frequently than the capability of writing a good letter upon any and +every subject. In business, in his intercourse with society, in, I may +say, almost every circumstance of his life, he will find his pen called +into requisition. Yet, although so important, so almost indispensable an +accomplishment, it is one which is but little cultivated, and a letter, +perfect in every part, is a great rarity. + +In the composition of a good letter there are many points to be +considered, and we take first the simplest and lowest, namely, the +spelling. + +Many spell badly from ignorance, but more from carelessness. The latter, +writing rapidly, make, very often, mistakes that would disgrace a +schoolboy. If you are in doubt about a word, do not from a feeling of +false shame let the spelling stand in its doubtful position hoping that, +if wrong, it will pass unnoticed, but get a dictionary, and see what is +the correct orthography. Besides the actual misplacing of letters in a +word there is another fault of careless, rapid writing, frequently +seen. This is to write two words in one, running them together. I have +more than once seen _with him_ written _withim_, and _for her_ stand +thus, _forer_. Strange, too, as it may seem, it is more frequently the +short, common words that are misspelled than long ones. They flow from +the pen mechanically, while over an unaccustomed word the writer +unconsciously stops to consider the orthography. Chesterfield, in his +advice to his son, says: + +"I come now to another part of your letter, which is the orthography, if +I may call bad spelling _orthography_. You spell induce, _enduce_; and +grandeur, you spell _grandure_; two faults of which few of my housemaids +would have been guilty. I must tell you that orthography, in the true +sense of the word, is so absolutely necessary for a man of letters, or a +gentleman, that one false spelling may fix ridicule upon him for the +rest of his life; and I know a man of quality, who never recovered the +ridicule of having spelled _wholesome_ without the _w_. + +"Reading with care will secure everybody from false spelling; for books +are always well spelled, according to the orthography of the times. Some +words are indeed doubtful, being spelled differently by different +authors of equal authority; but those are few; and in those cases every +man has his option, because he may plead his authority either way; but +where there is but one right way, as in the two words above mentioned, +it is unpardonable and ridiculous for a gentleman to miss it; even a +woman of tolerable education would despise and laugh at a lover, who +sent her an ill-spelled _billet-doux_. I fear, and suspect, that you +have taken it into your head, in most cases, that the matter is all, and +the manner little or nothing. If you have, undeceive yourself, and be +convinced that, in everything, the manner is full as important as the +matter. If you speak the sense of an angel in bad words, and with a +disagreeable utterance, nobody will hear you twice, who can help it. If +you write epistles as well as Cicero, but in a very bad hand, and very +ill-spelled, whoever receives, will laugh at them." + +After orthography, you should make it a point to write a good hand; +clear, legible, and at the same time easy, graceful, and rapid. This is +not so difficult as some persons imagine, but, like other +accomplishments, it requires practice to make it perfect. You must write +every word so clearly that it _cannot_ be mistaken by the reader, and it +is quite an important requisite to leave sufficient space between the +words to render each one separate and distinct. If your writing is +crowded, it will be difficult to read, even though each letter is +perfectly well formed. An English author, in a letter of advice, says:-- + +"I have often told you that every man who has the use of his eyes and +his hand can write whatever hand he pleases. I do not desire that you +should write the stiff, labored characters of a writing master; a man of +business must write quick and well, and that depends simply upon use. I +would, therefore, advise you to get some very good writing master, and +apply to it for a month only, which will be sufficient; for, upon my +word, the writing of a genteel, plain hand of business is of much more +importance than you think. You say, it may be, that when you write so +very ill, it is because you are in a hurry; to which, I answer, Why are +you ever in a hurry? A man of sense may be in haste, but can never be in +a hurry, because he knows, that whatever he does in a hurry, he must +necessarily do very ill. He may be in haste to dispatch an affair, but +he will take care not to let that haste hinder his doing it well. Little +minds are in a hurry, when the object proves (as it commonly does) too +big for them; they run, they puzzle, confound, and perplex themselves; +they want to do everything at once, and never do it at all. But a man of +sense takes the time necessary for doing the thing he is about, well; +and his haste to dispatch a business, only appears by the continuity of +his application to it; he pursues it with a cool steadiness, and +finishes it before he begins any other.... + +"The few seconds that are saved in the course of the day by writing ill +instead of well, do not amount to an object of time by any means +equivalent to the disgrace or ridicule of a badly written scrawl." + +By making a good, clear hand habitual to you, the caution given above, +with regard to hurry, will be entirely useless, for you will find that +even the most rapid penmanship will not interfere with the beauty of +your hand-writing, and the most absorbing interest in the subject of +your epistle can be indulged; whereas, if you write well only when you +are giving your entire attention to guiding your pen, then, haste in +writing or interest in your subject will spoil the beauty of your sheet. + +Be very careful that the wording of your letters is in strict accordance +with the rules of grammar. Nothing stamps the difference between a well +educated man and an ignorant one more decidedly than the purely +grammatical language of the one compared with the labored sentences, +misplaced verbs, nouns, adjectives, and adverbs of the other. +Chesterfield caricatures this fault in the following letter, written as +a warning to his son, to guard him against its glaring faults: + +"MY LORD: I _had_, last night, the honor of your Lordship's letter of +the 24th; and will _set about doing_ the orders contained _therein_; and +_if so be_ that I can get that affair done by the next post, I will not +fail _for to_ give your Lordship an account of it, by _next post_. I +have told the French Minister, _as how that if_ that affair be not soon +concluded, your Lordship would think it _all long of him_; and that he +must have neglected _for to_ have wrote to his court about it. I must +beg leave to put your Lordship in mind, _as how_, that I am now full +three quarters in arrear; and if _so be_ that I do not very soon receive +at least one half year, I shall _cut a very bad figure_; _for this here_ +place is very dear. I shall be _vastly beholden_ to your Lordship for +_that there_ mark of your favor; and so I _rest_ or _remain_, Your, &c." + +This is, I admit, a broad burlesque of a letter written by a man holding +any important government office, but in the more private correspondence +of a man's life letters quite as absurd and ungrammatical are written +every day. + +Punctuation is another very important point in a letter, because it not +only is a mark of elegance and education to properly punctuate a letter, +but the omission of this point will inevitably confuse your +correspondent, for if you write to your friend: + +"I met last evening Mr James the artist his son a lawyer Mr Gay a friend +of my mother's Mr Clarke and Mr Paul:" + +he will not know whether Mr. Gay is a lawyer or your mother's friend, or +whether it is Mr. James or his son who is an artist; whereas, by the +proper placing of a few punctuation marks you make the sentence clear +and intelligible, thus: + +"I met, last evening, Mr. James, the artist; his son, a lawyer; Mr. Gay, +a friend of my mother's; Mr. Clarke and Mr. Paul." + +Without proper regard being paid to punctuation, the very essence of +good composition is lost; it is of the utmost importance, as clearness, +strength, and accuracy depend upon it, in as great a measure as the +power of an army depends upon the skill displayed in marshalling and +arranging the troops. The separation of one portion of a composition +from another; the proper classification and division of the subjects; +the precise meaning of every word and sentence; the relation each part +bears to previous or following parts; the connection of one portion and +separation of others--all depend upon punctuation. Many persons seem to +consider it sufficient to put in a period at the end of a long sentence, +leaving all the little niceties which a comma, semicolon, or colon would +render clear, in a state of the most lamentable obscurity. Others use +all the points, but misplace them in a most ludicrous manner. A sentence +may be made by the omission or addition of a comma to express a meaning +exactly opposite to the one it expressed before the little mark was +written or erased. The best mode of studying punctuation is to read +over what you write, aloud, and put in the points as you would dwell a +longer or shorter time on the words, were you speaking. + +We now come to the use of capital letters, a subject next, in importance +to punctuation, and one too often neglected, even by writers otherwise +careful. + +The first word of every piece of writing, whether it be a book, a poem, +a story, a letter, a bill, a note, or only a line of directions, must +begin with a capital letter. + +Quotations, even though they are not immediately preceded by a period, +must invariably begin with a capital letter. + +Every new sentence, following a period, exclamation mark, or +interrogation point, must begin with a capital letter. + +Every proper name, whether it be of a person, a place, or an object, +must begin with a capital letter. The pronoun I and exclamation O must +be always written in capital letters. + +Capitals must never, except in the case of proper names or the two +letters mentioned in the last paragraph, be written in the middle of a +sentence. + +A capital letter must never be used in the middle of a word, among the +small letters; nor must it be used at the end of a word. + +Nothing adds more to the beauty of a letter, or any written composition, +than handsomely written capital letters, used in their proper places. + +Having specified the most important points in a correct letter, we next +come to that which, more than anything else, shows the mind of the +writer; that which proves his good or bad education; that which gives +him rank as an elegant or inelegant writer--Style. + +It is style which adorns or disfigures a subject; which makes the +humblest matter appear choice and elegant, or which reduces the most +exalted ideas to a level with common, or vulgar ones. + +Lord Chesterfield says, "It is of the greatest importance to write +letters well; as this is a talent which unavoidably occurs every day of +one's life, as well in business as in pleasure; and inaccuracies in +orthography or in style are never pardoned. Much depends upon the manner +in which they are written; which ought to be easy and natural, not +strained and florid. For instance, when you are about to send a +_billet-doux_, or love letter to a fair friend, you must only think of +what you would say to her if you were both together, and then write it; +that renders the style easy and natural; though some people imagine the +wording of a letter to be a great undertaking, and think they must write +abundantly better than they talk, which is not at all necessary. Style +is the dress of thoughts, and let them be ever so just, if your style is +homely, coarse, and vulgar, they will appear to as much disadvantage and +be as ill received as your person, though ever so well proportioned, +would, if dressed in rags, dirt, and tatters. It is not every +understanding that can judge of matter; but every one can and does +judge, more or less, of style; and were I either to speak or write to +the public, I should prefer moderate matter, adorned with all the +beauties and elegancies of style, to the strongest matter in the world, +ill worded and ill delivered." + +Write legibly, correctly, and without erasures upon a whole sheet of +paper, never upon half a sheet. Choose paper which is thick, white, and +perfectly plain. The initials stamped at the top of a sheet are the only +ornament allowed a gentleman. + +It is an unpardonable fault to write upon a sheet which has anything +written or drawn upon it, or is soiled; and quite as bad to answer a +note upon half the sheet it is written upon, or write on the other side +of a sheet which has been used before. + +Write your own ideas in your own words, neither borrowing or copying +from another. If you are detected in a plagiarism, you will never +recover your reputation for originality, and you may find yourself in +the position of the hero of the following anecdote: + +Mr. O., a man of but little cultivation, fell in love with Miss N., +whose fine intellect was duly improved by a thorough course of study and +reading, while her wit, vivacity, and beauty made Mr. O. one only +amongst many suitors. Fascinated by her beauty and gracious manner he +determined to settle his fate, and ask her to go forward in the alphabet +and choose the next letter to put to her surname. But how? Five times he +tried to speak, and five times the gay beauty so led the discourse that +he left at the end of each interview, no wiser than when he came. At +length he resolved to write. It was the first time he had held the pen +for any but a business letter. After commencing twice with "Dear sir," +once with, "I write to inform you that I am well and hope this letter +will find you the same," and once with, "Your last duly received," he +threw the pen aside in disgust and despair. A love letter was beyond his +feeble capacities. Suddenly a brilliant idea struck him. He had lately +seen, in turning the leaves of a popular novel, a letter, perhaps a love +letter. He procured the book, found the letter. It was full of fire and +passion, words of love, protestations of never failing constancy, and +contained an offer of marriage. With a hand that trembled with ecstasy, +O. copied and signed the letter, sealed, directed, and sent it. The next +day came the answer--simply: + + "My Friend, + + "Turn to the next page and you will find the reply. + + "A. N." + +He did so, and found a polite refusal of his suit. + +The secret of letter writing consists in writing as you would speak. +Thus, if you speak well, you will write well; if you speak ill, you will +also write ill. + +Endeavor always to write as correctly and properly as possible. If you +have reason to doubt your own spelling, carefully read and correct every +letter before you fold it. An ill-formed letter is, however, better let +alone. You will not improve it by trying to reform it, and the effort +will be plainly visible. + +Let your style be simple, concise, and clear, entirely void of +pretension, without any phrases written merely for effect, without +useless flowery language, respectful towards superiors, women, and +older persons, and it will be well. + +Abbreviations are only permitted in business letters, and in friendly +correspondence must never be used. + +Figures are never to be used excepting when putting a date or a sum of +money. In a business letter the money is generally specified both in +figures and words, thus; $500 Five hundred dollars. + +You may put the name, date, and address of a letter either at the top of +the page or at the end. I give a specimen of each style to show my +meaning. + + PHILADELPHIA, _June 25th, 1855_. + + MR. JAMES SMITH, + + Dear Sir, + + The goods ordered in your letter of the 19th inst. were sent + this morning by Adam's Express. We shall be always happy to + hear from you, and will promptly fill any further orders. + + Yours, truly, + JONES, BROWN, & CO. + +or, + + Dear Sir, + + Your favor of the 5th inst. received to day. Will execute your + commissions with pleasure. + + Yours, truly, + J. Jones. + + MR. JAMES SMITH. + PHILA., _June 25th, 1854_. + +If you send your own address put it under your own signature, thus: + + J. JONES, + 17 W---- st., + NEW YORK. + +The etiquette of letter-writing, should, as much as possible, be +influenced by principles of truth. The superscription and the +subscription should alike be in accordance with the tone of the +communication, and the domestic or social relation of those between whom +it passes. Communications upon professional or business matters, where +no acquaintance exists to modify the circumstances, should be written +thus:--"Mr. Gillot will feel obliged by Mr. Slack's sending by the +bearer," &c. It is an absurdity for a man who writes a challenge, or an +offensive letter, to another, to subscribe himself, "Your obedient +Servant." I dislike this form of subscription, also, when employed by +persons of equal rank. It is perfectly becoming when addressed by a +servant to an employer. But in other cases, "Yours truly," "Yours very +truly," "Your Friend," "Your sincere Friend," "Your Well-wisher," "Your +grateful Friend," "Your affectionate Friend," &c., &c., appears to be +much more truthful, and to be more in keeping with the legitimate +expression of good feeling. It is impossible to lay down a set of rules +that shall govern all cases. But as a principle, it may be urged, that +no person should address another as, "Dear Sir," or, "Dear Madam," +without feelings and relations that justify the use of the adjective. +These compliments are mockeries. No one who entertains a desire to +write another as "dear," need feel afraid of giving offence by +familiarity; for all mankind prize the esteem even of their humblest +fellows too much to be annoyed by it. And in proportion as the integrity +of the forms of correspondence increase, so will these expressions of +good feeling be more appreciated. + +The next point to be considered is the _subject_ of your letter, and +without a good subject the epistle will be apt to be dull. I do not mean +by this that it is necessary to have any extraordinary event to relate, +or startling news to communicate; but in order to write a _good_ letter, +it is necessary to have a _good_ subject, that you may not rival the +Frenchman who wrote to his wife--"I write to you because I have nothing +to do: I stop because I have nothing to say." Letters written without +aim or object, simply for the sake of writing, are apt to be stupid, +trivial, or foolish. + +You may write to a friend to congratulate him upon some happy event to +himself, or to condole with him in some misfortune, or to ask his +congratulations or condolence for yourself. You may write to enquire for +his health, or to extend an invitation, a letter of thanks, +felicitations, upon business, or a thousand other subjects, which it is +useless for me to enumerate. + +LETTERS OF BUSINESS. The chief object in a letter of business is to +communicate or enquire about some one fact, and the epistle should be +confined entirely to that fact. All compliments, jests, high-flown +language and sentiment, are entirely out of place in a business letter, +and brevity should be one of the most important aims. Do not let your +desire to be brief, however, make your meaning obscure; better to add a +few words, or even lines, to the length of your letter, than to send it +in confused, unintelligible language. Chesterfield's advice on business +letters is excellent. He says: + +"The first thing necessary in writing letters of business is, extreme +clearness and perspicuity; every paragraph should be so clear and +unambiguous that the dullest fellow in the world may not be able to +mistake it, nor obliged to read it twice in order to understand it. This +necessary clearness implies a correctness, without excluding an elegance +of style. Tropes, figures, antithesis, epigrams, &c., would be as +misplaced and as impertinent in letters of business as they are +sometimes (if judiciously used) proper and pleasing in familiar letters, +upon common and trite subjects. In business, an elegant simplicity, the +result of care, not of labor, is required. Business must be well, not +affectedly dressed; but by no means negligently. Let your first +attention be to clearness, and read every paragraph after you have +written it, in the critical view of discovering whether it is possible +that any one man can mistake the true sense of it; and correct it +accordingly. + +"Our pronouns and relatives often create obscurity and ambiguity; be, +therefore, exceedingly attentive to them, and take care to mark out with +precision their particular relations. For example, Mr. Johnson +acquainted me, that he had seen Mr. Smith, who had promised him to speak +to Mr. Clarke, to return him (Mr. Johnson) those papers, which he (Mr. +Smith) had left some time ago with him (Mr. Clarke); it is better to +repeat a name, though unnecessarily, ten times, than to have the person +mistaken once. + +"_Who_, you know, is singly relative to persons, and cannot be applied +to things; _which_ and _that_ are chiefly relative to things, but not +absolutely exclusive of persons; for one may say the man, _that_ robbed +or killed such-a-one; but it is better to say, the man _who_ robbed or +killed. One never says, the man or woman _which_. _Which_ and _that_, +though chiefly relative to things, cannot be always used indifferently +as to things. For instance, the letter _which_ I received from you, +_which_ you referred to in your last, _which_ came by Lord Albemarle's +messenger, _which_ I showed to such-a-one; I would change it thus--The +letter that I received from you, _which_ you referred to in your last, +_that_ came by Lord Albemarle's messenger, and _which_ I showed to +such-a-one. + +"Business does not exclude (as possibly you wish it did) the usual terms +of politeness and good breeding; but, on the contrary, strictly requires +them; such as, _I have the honor to acquaint you_; _Permit me to assure +you_; or, _If I may be allowed to give my opinion, &c._ + +"LETTERS OF BUSINESS will not only admit of, but be the better for +_certain graces_--but then, they must be scattered with a skillful and +sparing hand; they must fit their place exactly. They must adorn without +encumbering, and modestly shine without glaring. But as this is the +utmost degree of perfection in letters of business, I would not advise +you to attempt those embellishments, till you have just laid your +foundation well. + +"Carefully avoid all Greek or Latin quotations; and bring no precedents +from the _virtuous Spartans_, _the polite Athenians_, _and the brave +Romans_. Leave all that to futile pedants. No flourishes, no +declamations. But (I repeat it again) there is an elegant simplicity and +dignity of style absolutely necessary for _good_ letters of business; +attend to that carefully. Let your periods be harmonious, without +seeming to be labored; and let them not be too long, for that always +occasions a degree of obscurity. I should not mention correct +orthography, but that to fail in that particular will bring ridicule +upon you; for no man is allowed to spell ill. The hand-writing, too, +should be good; and I cannot conceive why it is ever otherwise, since +every man may, certainly, write whatever hand he pleases. Neatness in +folding up, sealing, and directing your packets is, by no means, to be +neglected. There is something in the exterior, even of a packet or +letter, that may please or displease; and, consequently, worth some +attention." + +If you are writing a letter, either upon your own business or upon that +of the person you are addressing, not in answer to him, but opening the +subject between you, follow the rule of clearness and of business +brevity. Come to the point at once, in order that the person addressed +may easily comprehend you. Put nobody to the labor of _guessing_ what +you desire, and be careful that half-instructions do not lead your +correspondent astray. If you have so clear an idea of your operation in +your mind, or if it is so simple a one that it needs no words, except +specific directions, or a plain request, you need not waste time, but, +with the proper forms of courtesy, instruct him of your wishes. In +whatever you write, remember that time is valuable; and that +embarrassing or indefinite letters are a great nuisance to a business +man. I need hardly remark, that punctuality in answering correspondents +is one of the cardinal business virtues. Where it is possible, answer +letters by return of post, as you will thus save your own time, and pay +your correspondent a flattering compliment. And in opening a +correspondence or writing upon your own business, let your communication +be made at the earliest proper date in order that your correspondent, as +well as yourself, may have the benefit of thought and deliberation. + +LETTERS OF INQUIRY should be written in a happy medium, between tedious +length and the brevity which would betoken indifference. As the subject +is generally limited to questions upon one subject, they will not admit +of much verbiage, and if your inquiry relates simply to a matter of +business, it is better to confine your words strictly to that business; +if, however, you are writing to make inquiry as to the health of a +friend, or any other matter in which feeling or affection dictates the +epistle, the cold, formal style of a business letter would become +heartless, and, in many cases, positively insulting. You must here add +some words of compliment, express your friendly interest in the subject, +and your hope that a favorable answer may be returned, and if the +occasion is a painful one, a few lines of regret or condolence may be +added. + +If you are requesting a favor of your correspondent, you should +apologize for the trouble you are giving him, and mention the necessity +which prompts you to write. + +If you are making inquiries of a friend, your letter will then admit of +some words of compliment, and may be written in an easy, familiar style. + +If writing to a stranger, your request for information becomes a +personal favor, and you should write in a manner to show him that you +feel this. Speak of the obligation he will confer, mention the necessity +which compels you to trouble him, and follow his answer by a note of +thanks. + +Always, when sending a letter of inquiry, enclose a stamp for the +answer. If you trouble your correspondent to take his time to write you +information, valuable only to yourself, you have no right to tax him +also for the price of postage. + +ANSWERS TO LETTERS OF INQUIRY should be written as soon as possible +after such letters are received. If the inquiry is of a personal nature, +concerning your health, family affairs, or the denial or corroboration +of some report concerning yourself, you should thank your correspondent +for the interest he expresses, and such a letter should be answered +immediately. If the letter you receive contains questions which you +cannot answer instantly, as, for instance, if you are obliged to see a +third party, or yourself make inquiry upon the subject proposed, it is +best to write a few lines acknowledging the receipt of your friend's +letter, expressing your pleasure at being able to serve him, and stating +why you cannot immediately give him the desired information, with the +promise to write again as soon as such information is yours to send. + +LETTERS REQUESTING FAVORS are trying to write, and must be dictated by +the circumstances which make them necessary. Be careful not to be +servile in such letters. Take a respectful, but, at the same time, manly +tone; and, while you acknowledge the obligation a favorable answer will +confer, do not adopt the cringing language of a beggar. + +LETTERS CONFERRING FAVORS should never be written in a style to make the +recipient feel a weight of obligation; on the contrary, the style should +be such as will endeavor to convince your correspondent that in his +acceptance of your favor _he_ confers an obligation upon _you_. + +LETTERS REFUSING FAVORS call for your most courteous language, for they +must give some pain, and this may be very much softened by the manner in +which you write. Express your regret at being unable to grant your +friend's request, a hope that at some future time it may be in your +power to answer another such letter more favorably, and give a good +reason for your refusal. + +LETTERS ACKNOWLEDGING FAVORS, or letters of thanks, should be written in +a cordial, frank, and grateful style. While you earnestly thank your +correspondent for his kindness, you must never hint at any payment of +the obligation. If you have the means of obliging him near you at that +instant, make your offer of the favor the subject of another letter, +lest he attribute your haste to a desire to rid yourself of an +obligation. To hint at a future payment is still more indelicate. When +you can show your gratitude by a suitable return, then let your actions, +not your words, speak for the accuracy of your memory in retaining the +recollection of favors conferred. + +ANONYMOUS LETTERS. The man who would write an anonymous letter, either +to insult the person addressed, or annoy a third person, is a scoundrel, +"whom 'twere gross flattery to name a coward." None but a man of the +lowest principles, and meanest character, would commit an act to gratify +malice or hatred without danger to himself. A gentleman will treat such +a communication with the contemptuous silence which it deserves. + +LETTERS OF INTELLIGENCE. The first thing to be regarded in a letter of +intelligence is _truth_. They are written on every variety of subjects, +under circumstances of the saddest and the most joyful nature. They are +written often under the pressure of the most crushing grief, at other +times when the hand trembles with ecstacy, and very frequently when a +weight of other cares and engagements makes the time of the writer +invaluable. Yet, whether the subject communicated concerns yourself or +another, remember that every written word is a record for your veracity +or falsehood. If exaggeration, or, still worse, malice, guide your pen, +in imparting painful subjects, or if the desire to avoid causing grief +makes you violate truth to soften trying news, you are signing your name +to a written falsehood, and the letter may, at some future time, rise to +confront you and prove that your intelligence cannot be trusted. +Whatever the character of the news you communicate, let taste and +discretion guide you in the manner of imparting it. If it is of so +sorrowful a character that you know it must cause pain, you may endeavor +to open the subject gradually, and a few lines of sympathy and comfort, +if unheeded at the time, may be appreciated when the mourner re-reads +your letter in calmer moments. Joyful news, though it does not need the +same caution, also admits of expressions of sympathy. + +Never write the gossip around you, unless you are _obliged_ to +communicate some event, and then write only what you know to be true, +or, if you speak of doubtful matters, state them to be such. Avoid mere +scandal and hearsay, and, above all, avoid letting your own malice or +bitterness of feeling color all your statements in their blackest dye. +Be, under such circumstances, truthful, just, and charitable. + +LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION should be written only when they are +positively necessary, and great caution should be used in giving them. +They make you, in a measure, responsible for the conduct of another, and +if you give them frequently, on slight grounds, you will certainly have +cause to repent your carelessness. They are letters of business, and +should be carefully composed; truthful, while they are courteous, and +just, while they are kind. If you sacrifice candor to a mistaken +kindness, you not only make yourself a party to any mischief that may +result, but you are committing a dishonest act towards the person to +whom the letter will be delivered. + +LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION should be short, as they are generally delivered +in person, and ought not to occupy much time in reading, as no one likes +to have to wait while a long letter of introduction is read. While you +speak of the bearer in the warm language of friendship, do not write +praises in such a letter; they are about as much in place as they would +be if you spoke them at a personal introduction. Leave letters of +introduction unsealed, for it is a gross breach of politeness to +prevent the bearer from reading what you have written, by fastening the +envelope. The most common form is:-- + + Dear Sir, + + It gives me much pleasure to introduce to you, the bearer of + this letter, as my friend Mr. J----, who is to remain a few + days in your city on his way to New Orleans. I trust that the + acquaintance of two friends, for whom I have so long + entertained so warm an esteem, will prove as pleasant as my + intercourse with each has always been. Any attention which it + may be in your power to pay to Mr. J----, whilst he is in your + city, will be highly appreciated and gratefully acknowledged by + + Your sincere friend + JAMES C. RAY. + + MR. L. G. EDMONDS. + _June 23d, 18--._ + +If your letter is to introduce any gentleman in his business or +professional capacity, mention what that business is; and if your own +acquaintance with the bearer is slight, you may also use the name of the +persons from whom he brought letters to yourself. Here, you may, with +perfect propriety, say a few words in praise of the bearer's skill in +his professional labors. If he is an artist, you need not hesitate to +give a favorable opinion of whatever of his pictures you have seen, or, +if a musician, express the delight his skill has afforded you. + +A LETTER REQUESTING AN AUTOGRAPH should always enclose a postage stamp +for the reply. In such a letter some words of compliment, expressive of +the value of the name for which you ask, is in good taste. You may refer +to the deeds or celebrity which have made the name so desirable, and +also express your sense of the greatness of the favor, and the +obligation the granting of it will confer. + +AUTOGRAPH LETTERS should be short; containing merely a few lines, +thanking the person addressed for the compliment paid in requesting the +signature, and expressive of the pleasure it gives you to comply with +the request. If you wish to refuse (though none but a churl would do +so), do not fall into the error of an eccentric American whose high +position in the army tempted a collector of autographs to request his +signature. The general wrote in reply:-- + + "Sir, + + "I'll be hanged if I send my autograph to anybody. + + "Yours, + + "----." + +and signed his name in full in the strong, bold letters which always +characterized his hand writing. + +INVITATIONS TO LADIES should be written in the third person, unless you +are very intimate with them, or can claim relationship. All letters +addressed to a lady should be written in a respectful style, and when +they are short and to a comparative stranger, the third person is the +most elegant one to use. Remember, in directing letters to young ladies, +the eldest one in a family is addressed by the surname alone, while the +others have also the proper name; thus, if you wrote to the daughters +of Mr. Smith, the eldest one is Miss Smith, the others, Miss Annie Smith +and Miss Jane Smith. + +Invitations should be sent by your own servant, or clerk. Nothing is +more vulgar than sending invitations through the despatch, and you run +the risk of their being delayed. The first time that you invite a lady +to accompany you to ride, walk, or visit any place of public amusement, +you should also invite her mother, sister, or any other lady in the same +family, unless you have a mother or sister with whom the lady invited is +acquainted, when you should say in your note that your mother or sister +will accompany you. + +LETTERS OF COMPLIMENT being confined to one subject should be short and +simple. If they are of thanks for inquiry made, they should merely echo +the letter they answer, with the acknowledgement of your correspondent's +courtesy. + +LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION. Letters of congratulation are the most +agreeable of all letters to write; your subject is before you, and you +have the pleasure of sympathizing in the happiness of a friend. They +should be written in a frank, genial style, with warm expressions of +pleasure at your friend's joy, and admit of any happy quotations or +jest. + +When congratulating your friend on an occasion of happiness to himself, +be very careful that your letter has no word of envy at his good +fortune, no fears for its short duration, no prophecy of a change for +the worse; let all be bright, cheerful, and hopeful. There are few men +whose life calls for letters of congratulation upon many occasions, let +them have bright, unclouded ones when they can claim them. If you have +other friends whose sorrow makes a contrast with the joy of the person +to whom you are writing, nay, even if you yourself are in affliction, do +not mention it in such a letter. + +At the same time avoid the satire of exaggeration in your expressions of +congratulation, and be very careful how you underline a word. If you +write a hope that your friend may be _perfectly happy_, he will not +think that the emphasis proves the strength of your wish, but that you +are fearful that it will not be fulfilled. + +If at the same time that you are writing a letter of congratulation, you +have sorrowful news to communicate, do not put your tidings of grief +into your congratulatory letter; let that contain only cheerful, +pleasant words; even if your painful news must be sent the same day, +send it in a separate epistle. + +LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE are trying both to the writer and to the reader. +If your sympathy is sincere, and you feel the grief of your friend as if +it were your own, you will find it difficult to express in written words +the sorrow that you are anxious to comfort. + +Even the warmest, most sincere expressions, sound cold and commonplace +to the mourner, and one grasp of the hand, one glance of the eye, will +do more to express sympathy than whole sheets of written words. It is +best not to try to say _all_ that you feel. You will fail in the attempt +and may weary your friend. Let your letter, then, be short, (not +heartlessly so) but let its words, though few, be warm and sincere. Any +light, cheerful jesting will be insulting in a letter of condolence. If +you wish to comfort by bringing forward blessings or hopes for the +future, do not do it with gay, or jesting expressions, but in a gentle, +kind manner, drawing your words of comfort, not from trivial, passing +events, but from the highest and purest sources. + +If the subject for condolence be loss of fortune or any similar event, +your letter will admit of the cheering words of every-day life, and +kindly hopes that the wheel of fortune may take a more favorable turn; +but, if death causes your friend's affliction, there is but little to be +said in the first hours of grief. Your letter of sympathy and comfort +may be read after the first crushing grief is over, and appreciated +then, but words of comfort are but little heeded when the first agony of +a life-long separation is felt in all the force of its first hours. + +LETTERS SENT WITH PRESENTS should be short, mere cards of compliment, +and written in the third person. + +LETTERS ACKNOWLEDGING PRESENTS should also be quite short, written in +the third person, and merely containing a few lines of thanks, with a +word or two of admiration for the beauty, value, or usefulness of the +gift. + +LETTERS OF ADVICE are generally very unpalatable for the reader, and had +better not be written unless solicited, and not then unless your counsel +will really benefit your correspondent. When written, let them be +courteous, but, at the same time, perfectly frank. If you can avert an +evil by writing a letter of advice, even when unsolicited, it is a +friendly office to write, but it is usually a thankless one. + +To write after an act has been performed, and state what your advice +would have been, had your opinion been asked, is extremely foolish, and +if you disapprove of the course that has been taken, your best plan is, +certainly, to say nothing about it. + +In writing your letter of advice, give your judgement as an opinion, not +a law, and say candidly that you will not feel hurt if contrary advice +offered by any other, more competent to judge in the case, is taken. +While your candor may force you to give the most unpalatable counsel, +let your courtesy so express it, that it cannot give offence. + +LETTERS OF EXCUSE are sometimes necessary, and they should be written +promptly, as a late apology for an offence is worse than no apology at +all. They should be written in a frank, manly style, containing an +explanation of the offence, and the facts which led to it, the assurance +of the absence of malice or desire to offend, sorrow for the +circumstances, and a hope that your apology will be accepted. Never wait +until circumstances force an apology from you before writing a letter of +excuse. A frank, prompt acknowledgement of an offence, and a candidly +expressed desire to atone for it, or for indulgence towards it, cannot +fail to conciliate any reasonable person. + +CARDS OF COMPLIMENT must always be written in the third person. + +ANSWERS. The first requisite in answering a letter upon any subject, is +promptness. If you can answer by return of mail, do so; if not, write as +soon as possible. If you receive a letter making inquiries about facts +which you will require time to ascertain, then write a few lines +acknowledging the receipt of the letter of inquiry and promising to send +the information as soon as possible. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +WEDDING ETIQUETTE. + + +From an English work, "The Habits of Good Society," I quote some +directions for the guidance of the happy man who proposes to enter the +state of matrimony. I have altered a few words to suit the difference of +country, but when weddings are performed in church, the rules given here +are excellent. They will apply equally well to the evening ceremony. + +"At a time when our feelings are or ought to be most susceptible, when +the happiness or misery of a condition in which there is no medium +begins, we are surrounded with forms and etiquettes which rise before +the unwary like spectres, and which even the most rigid ceremonialists +regard with a sort of dread. + +"Were it not, however, for these forms, and for this necessity of being +_en regle_, there might, on the solemnization of marriage, be confusion, +forgetfulness, and, even--speak it not aloud--irritation among the +parties most intimately concerned. Excitement might ruin all. Without a +definite programme, the old maids of the family would be thrusting in +advice. The aged chronicler of past events, or grandmother by the +fireside, would have it all her way; the venerable bachelor in tights, +with his blue coat and metal buttons, might throw every thing into +confusion by his suggestions. It is well that we are independent of all +these interfering advisers; that there is no necessity to appeal to +them. Precedent has arranged it all; we have only to put in or +understand what that stern authority has laid down; how it has been +varied by modern changes; and we must just shape our course boldly. +'Boldly?' But there is much to be done before we come to that. First, +there is the offer to be made. Well may a man who contemplates such a +step say to himself, with Dryden: + + 'These are the realms of everlasting fate;' + +for, in truth, on marriage one's well-being not only here but even +hereafter mainly depends. But it is not on this bearing of the subject +that we wish to enter, contenting ourselves with a quotation from the +_Spectator_: + +"'It requires more virtues to make a good husband or wife, than what go +to the finishing any the most shining character whatsoever.' + +"In France, an engagement is an affair of negotiation and business; and +the system, in this respect, greatly resembles the practice in England, +on similar occasions, a hundred and fifty or two hundred years ago, or +even later. France is the most unchanging country in the world in her +habits and domestic institutions, and foremost among these is her +'_Marriage de convenance_,' or '_Marriage de raison_.' + +"It is thus brought about. So soon as a young girl quits the school or +convent where she has been educated, her friends cast about for a +suitable _parti_. Most parents in France take care, so soon as a +daughter is born, to put aside a sum of money for her '_dot_,' as they +well know that, whatever may be her attractions, _that_ is indispensable +in order to be married. They are ever on the look out for a youth with, +at least, an equal fortune, or more; or, if they are rich, for title, +which is deemed tantamount to fortune; even the power of writing those +two little letters _De_ before your name has some value in the marriage +contract. Having satisfied themselves, they thus address the young +lady:--'It is now time for you to be married; I know of an eligible +match; you can see the gentleman, either at such a ball, or [if he is +serious] at church. I do not ask you to take him if his appearance is +positively disagreeable to you; if so, we will look out for some one +else.' + +"As a matter of custom, the young lady answers that the will of her +parents is hers; she consents to take a survey of him to whom her +destiny is to be entrusted; and let us presume that he is accepted, +though it does not follow, and sometimes it takes several months to look +out, as it does for other matters, a house, or a place, or a pair of +horses. However, she consents; a formal introduction takes place; the +_promis_ calls in full dress to see his future wife; they are only just +to speak to each other, and those few unmeaning words are spoken in the +presence of the bride-elect's mother; for the French think it most +indiscreet to allow the affections of a girl to be interested before +marriage, lest during the arrangements for the contract all should be +broken off. If she has no dislike, it is enough; never for an instant +are the engaged couple left alone, and in very few cases do they go up +to the altar with more than a few weeks' acquaintance, and usually with +less. The whole matter is then arranged by notaries, who squabble over +the marriage-contract, and get all they can for their clients. + +"The contract is usually signed in France on the day before the +marriage, when all is considered safe; the religious portion of their +bond takes place in the church, and then the two young creatures are +left together to understand each other if they can, and to love each +other if they will; if not they must content themselves with what is +termed, _un menage de Paris_. + +"In England, formerly, much the same system prevailed. A boy of +fourteen, before going on his travels, was contracted to a girl of +eleven, selected as his future wife by parents or guardians; he came +back after the _grande tour_ to fulfil the engagement. But by law it was +imperative that forty days should at least pass between the contract and +the marriage; during which dreary interval the couple, leashed together +like two young greyhounds, would have time to think of the future. In +France, the perilous period of reflection is not allowed. 'I really am +so glad we are to take a journey,' said a young French lady to her +friends; 'I shall thus get to know something about my husband; he is +quite a stranger to me.' Some striking instances of the _Marriage de +convenance_ being infringed on, have lately occurred in France. The late +Monsieur de Tocqueville married for love, after a five years' +engagement. Guizot, probably influenced by his acquaintance with +England, gave his daughters liberty to choose for themselves, and they +married for _love_[B]--'a very indelicate proceeding,' remarked a French +comtesse of the old _regime_, when speaking of this arrangement. + +[B] Two brothers, named _De Witte_. + +"Nothing can be more opposed to all this than the American system. They +are so tenacious of the freedom of choice, that even persuasion is +thought criminal. + +"In France negotiations are often commenced on the lady's side; in +America, never. Even too encouraging a manner, even the ordinary +attentions of civility, are, occasionally, a matter of reproach. We are +jealous of the delicacy of that sacred bond; which we presume to hope is +to spring out of mutual affection. A gentleman who, from whatever +motives, has made up his mind to marry, may set about it in two ways. He +may propose by letter or in words. The customs of society imply the +necessity of a sufficient knowledge of the lady to be addressed. This, +even in this country, is a difficult point to be attained; and, after +all, cannot be calculated by time, since, in large cities, you may know +people a year, and yet be comparative strangers; and, meeting them in +the country, may become intimate in a week. + +"Having made up his mind, the gentleman offers--wisely, if he can, in +speech. Letters are seldom expressive of what really passes in the mind +of man; or, if expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable +to exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme of cavil. Study, +care, which avail in every other species of composition, are death to +the lover's effusion. A few sentences, spoken in earnest, and broken by +emotion, are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, both to parent and +daughter. Let him, however, speak and be accepted. He is, in that case, +instantly taken into the intimacy of his adopted relatives. Such is the +notion of American honor, that the engaged couple are henceforth allowed +to be frequently alone together, in walking and at home. If there be no +known obstacle to the engagement, the gentleman and lady are mutually +introduced to the respective relatives of each. It is for the +gentleman's family to call first; for him to make the first present; and +this should be done as soon as possible after the offer has been +accepted. It is a sort of seal put upon the affair. The absence of +presents is thought to imply want of earnestness in the matter. This +present generally consists of some personal ornament, say, a ring, and +should be handsome, but not so handsome as that made for the +wedding-day. During the period that elapses before the marriage, the +betrothed man should conduct himself with peculiar deference to the +lady's family and friends, even if beneath his own station. It is often +said: 'I marry such a lady, but I do not mean to marry her whole +family.' This disrespectful pleasantry has something in it so cold, so +selfish, that even if the lady's family be disagreeable, there is a +total absence of delicate feeling to her in thus speaking of those +nearest to her. To her parents especially, the conduct of the betrothed +man should be respectful; to her sisters kind without familiarity; to +her brothers, every evidence of good-will should be testified. In making +every provision for the future, in regard to settlements, allowance for +dress, &c., the _extent_ of liberality convenient should be the spirit +of all arrangements. Perfect candor as to his own affairs, respectful +consideration for those of the family he is about to enter, mark a true +gentleman. + +"In France, however gay and even blameable a man may have been before +his betrothal, he conducts himself with the utmost propriety after that +event. A sense of what is due to a lady should repress all habits +unpleasant to her; smoking, if disagreeable; frequenting places of +amusement without her; or paying attention to other women. In this +respect, indeed, the sense of honor should lead a man to be as +scrupulous when his future wife is absent as when she is present, if not +more so. + +"In equally bad taste is exclusiveness. The devotions of two engaged +persons should be reserved for the _tete-a-tete_, and women are +generally in fault when it is otherwise. They like to exhibit their +conquest; they cannot dispense with attentions; they forget that the +demonstration of any peculiar condition of things in society must make +some one uncomfortable; the young lady is uncomfortable because she is +not equally happy; the young man detests what he calls nonsense; the old +think there is a time for all things. All sitting apart, therefore, and +peculiar displays, are in bad taste; I am inclined to think that they +often accompany insincerity, and that the truest affections are those +which are reserved for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private +interviews. At the same time, the airs of indifference and avoidance +should be equally guarded against; since, however strong and mutual +attachment may be, such a line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead +others, and so produce mischief. True feeling, and a lady-like +consideration for others, a point in which the present generation +essentially fails, are the best guides for steering between the extremes +of demonstration on the one hand, and of frigidity on the other. + +"During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a young lady should +endeavor to understand what is going on, receiving it in a right spirit. +If she has fortune, she should, in all points left to her, be generous +and confiding, at the same time prudent. Many a man, she should +remember, may abound in excellent qualities, and yet be improvident. He +may mean to do well, yet have a passion for building; he may be the very +soul of good nature, yet fond of the gaming-table; he may have no wrong +propensities of that sort, and yet have a confused notion of accounts, +and be one of those men who muddle away a great deal of money, no one +knows how; or he may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good +care of the pence, till he tires your very life out about an extra +dollar; or he may be facile or weakly good natured, and have a friend +who preys on him, and for whom he is disposed to become security. +Finally, the beloved Charles, Henry, or Reginald may have none of these +propensities, but may chance to be an honest merchant, or a tradesman, +with all his floating capital in business, and a consequent risk of +being one day rich, the next a pauper. + +"Upon every account, therefore, it is desirable for a young lady to have +a settlement on her; and she should not, from a weak spirit of romance, +oppose her friends who advise it, since it is for her husband's +advantage as well as her own. By making a settlement there is always a +fund which cannot be touched--a something, however small, as a +provision for a wife and children; and whether she have fortune or not, +this ought to be made. An allowance for dress should also be arranged; +and this should be administered in such a way that a wife should not +have to ask for it at inconvenient hours, and thus irritate her husband. + +"Every preliminary being settled, there remains nothing except to fix +the marriage-day, a point always left to the lady to advance; and next +to settle how the ceremonial is to be performed is the subject of +consideration. + +"It is to be lamented that, previous to so solemn a ceremony, the +thoughts of the lady concerned must necessarily be engaged for some time +upon her _trousseau_. The _trousseau_ consists, in this country, of all +the habiliments necessary for a lady's use for the first two or three +years of her married life; like every other outfit there are always a +number of articles introduced into it that are next to useless, and are +only calculated for the vain-glory of the ostentatious. + +"The _trousseau_ being completed, and the day fixed, it becomes +necessary to select the bridesmaids and the bridegroom's man, and to +invite the guests. + +"The bridesmaids are from two to eight in number. It is ridiculous to +have many, as the real intention of the bridesmaid is, that she should +act as a witness of the marriage. It is, however, thought a compliment +to include the bride's sisters and those of the bridegroom's relations +and intimate friends, in case sisters do not exist. + +"When a bride is young the bridesmaids should be young; but it is absurd +to see a 'single woman of a certain age,' or a widow, surrounded by +blooming girls, making her look plain and foolish. For them the discreet +woman of thirty-five is more suitable as a bridesmaid. Custom decides +that the bridesmaids should be spinsters, but there is no legal +objection to a married woman being a bridesmaid, should it be necessary, +as it might be abroad, or at sea, or where ladies are few in number. +Great care should be taken not to give offence in the choice of +bridesmaids by a preference, which is always in bad taste on momentous +occasions. + +"The guests at the wedding should be selected with similar attention to +what is right and kind, with consideration to those who have a claim on +us, not only to what we ourselves prefer. + +"For a great wedding breakfast, it is customary to send out printed +cards from the parents or guardians from whose house the young lady is +to be married. + +"Early in the day, before eleven, the bride should be dressed, taking +breakfast in her own room. In America they load a bride with lace +flounces on a rich silk, and even sometimes with ornaments. In France it +is always remembered, with better taste, that when a young lady goes up +to the altar, she is '_encore jeune fille_;' her dress, therefore, is +exquisitely simple; a dress of tulle over white silk, a long, wide veil of +white tulle, going down to the very feet, a wreath of maiden-blush-roses +interspersed with orange flowers. This is the usual costume of a French +bride of rank, or in the middle classes equally. + +"The gentleman's dress should differ little from his full morning +costume. The days are gone by when gentlemen were married--as a +recently deceased friend of mine was--in white satin breeches and +waistcoat. In these days men show less joy in their attire at the fond +consummation of their hopes, and more in their faces. A dark-blue +frock-coat--black being superstitiously considered ominous--a white +waistcoat, and a pair of light trousers, suffice for the 'happy man.' +The neck-tie also should be light and simple. Polished boots are not +amiss, though plain ones are better. The gloves must be as white as the +linen. Both are typical--for in these days types are as important as +under the Hebrew law-givers--of the purity of mind and heart which are +supposed to exist in their wearer. Eheu! after all, he cannot be too +well dressed, for the more gay he is the greater the compliment to his +bride. Flowers in the button-hole and a smile on the face show the +bridegroom to be really a 'happy man.' + +"As soon as the carriages are at the door, those bridesmaids, who happen +to be in the house, and the other members of the family set off first. +The bride goes last, with her father and mother, or with her mother +alone, and the brother or relative who is to represent her father in +case of death or absence. The bridegroom, his friend, or bridegroom's +man, and the bridesmaids ought to be waiting in the church. The father +of the bride gives her his arm, and leads her to the altar. Here her +bridesmaids stand near her, as arranged by the clerk, and the bridegroom +takes his appointed place. + +"It is a good thing for the bridegroom's man to distribute the different +fees to the clergyman or clergymen, the clerk, and pew-opener, before +the arrival of the bride, as it prevents confusion afterwards. + +"The bride stands to the left of the bridegroom, and takes the glove off +her right hand, whilst he takes his glove off his right hand. The bride +gives her glove to the bridesmaid to hold, and sometimes to keep, as a +good omen. + +"The service then begins. During the recital, it is certainly a matter +of feeling how the parties concerned should behave; but if tears can be +restrained, and a quiet modesty in the lady displayed, and her emotions +subdued, it adds much to the gratification of others, and saves a few +pangs to the parents from whom she is to part. + +"It should be remembered that this is but the closing scene of a drama +of some duration--first the offer, then the consent and engagement. In +most cases the marriage has been preceded by acts which have stamped the +whole with certainty, although we do not adopt the contract system of +our forefathers, and although no event in this life can be certain. + +"I have omitted the mention of the bouquet, because it seems to me +always an awkward addition to the bride, and that it should be presented +afterwards on her return to the breakfast. Gardenias, if in season, +white azalia, or even camellias, with very little orange flowers, form +the bridal bouquet. The bridesmaids are dressed, on this occasion, so as +to complete the picture with effect. When there are six or eight, it is +usual for three of them to dress in one color, and three in another. At +some of the most fashionable weddings in London, the bridesmaids wear +veils--these are usually of net or tulle; white tarlatan dresses, over +muslin or beautifully-worked dresses, are much worn, with colors +introduced--pink or blue, and scarves of those colors; and white +bonnets, if bonnets are worn, trimmed with flowers to correspond. These +should be simple, but the flowers as natural as possible, and of the +finest quality. The bouquets of the bridesmaids should be of mixed +flowers. These they may have at church, but the present custom is for +the gentlemen of the house to present them on their return home, +previous to the wedding breakfast. + +"The register is then signed. The bride quits the church first with the +bridegroom, and gets into his carriage, and the father and mother, +bridesmaids, and bridegroom's man, follow in order in their own. + +"The breakfast is arranged on one or more tables, and is generally +provided by a confectioner when expense is not an object. + +"Presents are usual, first from the bridegroom to the bridesmaids. These +generally consist of jewelry, the device of which should be unique or +quaint, the article more elegant than massive. The female servants of +the family, more especially servants who have lived many years in their +place, also expect presents, such as gowns or shawls; or to a very +valued personal attendant or housekeeper, a watch. But on such points +discretion must suggest, and liberality measure out the _largesse_ of +the gift." + +When the ceremony is performed at the house of the bride, the bridegroom +should be ready full half an hour before the time appointed, and enter +the parlor at the head of his army of bridesmaids and groomsmen, with +his fair bride on his arm. In America a groomsman is allowed for each +bridesmaid, whilst in England one poor man is all that is allowed for +six, sometimes eight bridesmaids. The brothers or very intimate friends +of the bride and groom are usually selected for groomsmen. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT. + + +When you wish to invite a lady to accompany you to the theatre, opera, a +concert, or any other public place of amusement, send the invitation the +day previous to the one selected for taking her, and write it in the +third person. If it is the first time you have invited her, include her +mother, sister, or some other lady in the invitation. + +If she accepts your invitation, let it be your next care to secure good +seats, for it is but a poor compliment to invite a lady to go to the +opera, and put her in an uncomfortable seat, where she can neither hear, +see, nor be seen. + +Although, when alone, you will act a courteous part in giving your seat +to a strange lady, who is standing, in a crowded concert room, you +should not do so when you are with a lady. By giving up your place +beside her, you may place a lady next her, whom she will find an +unpleasant companion, and you are yourself separated from her, when the +conversation between the acts makes one of the greatest pleasures of an +evening spent in this way. In case of accident, too, he deprives her of +his protection, and gives her the appearance of having come alone. Your +first duty, when you are escorting a lady, is to that lady before all +others. + +When you are with a lady at a place of amusement, you must not leave +your seat until you rise to escort her home. If at the opera, you may +invite her to promenade between the acts, but if she declines, do you +too remain in your seat. + +Let all your conversation be in a low tone, not whispered, nor with any +air of mystery, but in a tone that will not disturb those seated near +you. + +Any lover-like airs or attitudes, although you may have the right to +assume them, are in excessively bad taste in public. + +If the evening you have appointed be a stormy one, you must call for +your companion with a carriage, and this is the more elegant way of +taking her even if the weather does not make it absolutely necessary. + +When you are entering a concert room, or the box of a theatre, walk +before your companion up the aisle, until you reach the seats you have +secured, then turn, offer your hand to her, and place her in the inner +seat, taking the outside one yourself; in going out, if the aisle is too +narrow to walk two abreast, you again precede your companion until you +reach the lobby, where you turn and offer your arm to her. + +Loud talking, laughter, or mistimed applause, are all in very bad taste, +for if you do not wish to pay strict attention to the performance, those +around you probably do, and you pay but a poor compliment to your +companion in thus implying her want of interest in what she came to +see. + +Secure your programme, libretto, or concert bill, before taking your +seat, as, if you leave it, in order to obtain them, you may find some +one else occupying your place when you return, and when the seats are +not secured, he may refuse to rise, thus giving you the alternative of +an altercation, or leaving your companion without any protector. Or, you +may find a lady in your seat, in which case, you have no alternative, +but must accept the penalty of your carelessness, by standing all the +evening. + +In a crowd, do not push forward, unheeding whom you hurt or +inconvenience, but try to protect your companion, as far as possible, +and be content to take your turn. + +If your seats are secured, call for your companion in time to be seated +some three or four minutes before the performance commences, but if you +are visiting a hall where you cannot engage seats, it is best to go +early. + +If you are alone and see ladies present with whom you are acquainted, +you may, with perfect propriety, go and chat with them between the acts, +but when with a lady, never leave her to speak to another lady. + +At an exhibition of pictures or statuary, you may converse, but let it +be in a quiet, gentlemanly tone, and without gesture or loud laughter. +If you stand long before one picture or statue, see that you are not +interfering with others who may wish to see the same work of art. If you +are engaged in conversation, and wish to rest, do not take a position +that will prevent others from seeing any of the paintings, but sit +down, or stand near the centre of the room. + +Never, unless urgently solicited, attach yourself to any party at a +place of amusement, even if some of the members of it are your own +relatives or intimate friends. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +MISCELLANEOUS. + + +When you are walking with a lady who has your arm, be careful to _keep +step_ with her, and do not force her to take long, unladylike steps, or +trot beside you with two steps to one of yours, by keeping your usual +manly stride. + +Never allow a lady, with whom you are walking, to carry a bundle, shawl, +or bag, unless both your hands are already occupied in her service. + +When you attend a wedding or bridal reception, it is the bridegroom whom +you are to _congratulate_, offering to the bride your wishes for her +future happiness, but not _congratulation_. If you are acquainted with +the bridegroom, but not with the bride, speak to him first, and he will +introduce you to his bride, but in any other case, you must speak first +to the bride, then to the bridegroom, then the bridesmaids, if you have +any previous acquaintance with them, then to the parents and family of +the bride, and after all this you are at liberty to seek your other +friends among the guests. If you are personally a stranger to the newly +married couple, but have received a card from being a friend of one of +the families or from any other reason, it is the first groomsman's +place to introduce you, and you should give him your card, or mention +your name, before he leads you to the bride. + +Always remove a chair or stool that stands in the way of a lady passing, +even though she is an entire stranger to you. + +You may hand a chair to a strange lady, in a hotel, or upon a boat; you +may hand her water, if you see her rise to obtain it, and at a hotel +table you may pass her the dishes near you, with perfect propriety. + +In this country where every other man uses tobacco, it may not be amiss +to say a few words on smoking. + +Dr. Prout says, "Tobacco is confessedly one of the most virulent poisons +in nature. Yet such is the fascinating influence of this noxious weed, +that mankind resort to it in every form they can devise, to ensure its +stupifying and pernicious agency. Tobacco disorders the assimilating +functions in general, but particularly, as I believe, the assimilation +of the saccharine principle. I have never, indeed, been able to trace +the development of oxalic acid to the use of tobacco; but that some +analogous, and equally poisonous principle (probably of an acid nature), +is generated in certain individuals by its abuse, is evident from their +cachectic looks, and from the dark, and often greenish yellow tint of +the blood. The severe and peculiar dyspeptic symptoms sometimes produced +by inveterate snuff-taking are well known; and I have more than once +seen such cases terminate fatally with malignant disease of the stomach +and liver. Great smokers, also, especially those who employ short pipes +and cigars, are said to be liable to cancerous affections of the lips." + +Yet, in spite of such warnings met with every day, Young America, +Middle-aged America, and Old America will continue to use the poison, +and many even use it in excess. An English writer gives some very good +rules for the times and places where smoking may be allowed, which I +quote for the use of smokers on this side of the water. + +He says: + +"But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which Raleigh taught our +gallants to puff in capacious bowls; which a royal pedant denounced in a +famous 'Counterblast;' which his flattering laureate, Ben Jonson, +ridiculed to please his master; which our wives and sisters protest +gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man can indulge +in; of which some fair favorers declare that they love the smell, and +others that they will never marry an indulger (which, by the way, they +generally end in doing); which has won a fame over more space and among +better men than Noah's grape has ever done; which doctors still dispute +about, and boys still get sick over; but which is the solace of the +weary laborer; the support of the ill-fed; the refresher of over-wrought +brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the exquisite; the +excuse of the idle; the companion of the philosopher; and the tenth muse +of the poet. I will go neither into the medical nor the moral question +about the dreamy, calming cloud. I will content myself so far with +saying what may be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind, +that, in moderation, it is at least harmless; but what is moderate and +what is not, must be determined in each individual case, according to +the habits and constitution of the subject. If it cures asthma, it may +destroy digestion; if it soothes the nerves, it may, in excess, produce +a chronic irritability. + +"But I will regard it in a social point of view; and, first, as a +narcotic, notice its effects on the individual character. I believe, +then, that in moderation it diminishes the violence of the passions, +and, particularly, that of the temper. Interested in the subject, I have +taken care to seek instances of members of the same family having the +same violent tempers by inheritance, of whom the one has been calmed +down by smoking, and the other gone on in his passionate course. I +believe that it induces a habit of calm reflectiveness, which causes us +to take less prejudiced, perhaps less zealous views of life, and to be, +therefore, less irritable in our converse with our fellow creatures. I +am inclined to think that the clergy, the squirearchy, and the peasantry +are the most prejudiced and most violent classes in this country; there +may be other reasons for this, but it is noteworthy that these are the +classes which smoke least. On the other hand, I confess that it induces +a certain lassitude, and a lounging, easy mode of life, which are fatal +both to the precision of manners and the vivacity of conversation. The +mind of a smoker is contemplative rather than active; and if the weed +cures our irritability, it kills our wit. I believe that it is a fallacy +to suppose that it encourages drinking. There is more drinking and less +smoking in England than in any other country of the civilized world. +There was more drinking among the gentry of last century, who never +smoked at all. Smoke and wine do not go well together. Coffee or beer +are its best accompaniments, and the one cannot intoxicate, the other +must be largely imbibed to do so. I have observed among young bachelors +that very little wine is drunk in their chambers, and that beer is +gradually taking its place. The cigar, too, is an excuse for rising from +the dinner-table where there are no ladies to go to. + +"In another point of view, I am inclined to think that smoking has +conduced to make the society of men, when alone, less riotous, less +quarrelsome, and even less vicious than it was. Where young men now blow +a common cloud, they were formerly driven to a fearful consumption of +wine, and this in their heads, they were ready and roused to any +iniquity. But the pipe is the bachelor's wife. With it he can endure +solitude longer, and is not forced into low society in order to shun it. +With it, too, the idle can pass many an hour, which otherwise he would +have given, not to work, but to extravagant devilries. With it he is no +longer restless and impatient for excitement of any kind. We never hear +now of young blades issuing in bands from their wine to beat the watch +or disturb the slumbering citizens, as we did thirty or forty years ago, +when smoking was still a rarity; they are all puffing harmlessly in +their chambers now. But, on the other hand, I foresee with dread a too +tender allegiance to the pipe, to the destruction of good society, and +the abandonment of the ladies. No wonder they hate it, dear creatures; +the pipe is the worst rival a woman can have, and it is one whose eyes +she cannot scratch out; who improves with age, while she herself +declines; who has an art which no woman possesses, that of never +wearying her devotee; who is silent, yet a companion; costs little, yet +gives much pleasure; who, lastly, never upbraids, and always yields the +same joy. Ah! this is a powerful rival to wife or maid, and no wonder +that at last the woman succumbs, consents, and, rather than lose her +lord or master, even supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands. + +"There are rules to limit this indulgence. One must never smoke, nor +even ask to smoke, in the company of the fair. If they know that in a +few minutes you will be running off to your cigar, the fair will do +well--say it is in a garden, or so--to allow you to bring it out and +smoke it there. One must never smoke, again, in the streets; that is, in +daylight. The deadly crime may be committed, like burglary, after dark, +but not before. One must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by the +ladies; thus, a well-bred man who has a wife or sisters, will not offer +to smoke in the dining-room after dinner. One must never smoke in a +public place, where ladies are or might be, for instance, a flower-show +or promenade. One may smoke in a railway-carriage in spite of by-laws, +if one has first obtained the consent of every one present; but if there +be a lady there, though she give her consent, smoke not. In nine cases +out of ten, she will give it from good nature. One must never smoke in a +close carriage; one may ask and obtain leave to smoke when returning +from a pic-nic or expedition in an open carriage. One must never smoke +in a theatre, on a race-course, nor in church. This last is not, +perhaps, a needless caution. In the Belgian churches you see a placard +announcing, 'Ici on ne mache pas du tabac.' One must never smoke when +anybody shows an objection to it. One must never smoke a pipe in the +streets; one must never smoke at all in the coffee-room of a hotel. One +must never smoke, without consent, in the presence of a clergyman, and +one must never offer a cigar to any ecclesiastic. + +"But if you smoke, or if you are in the company of smokers, and are to +wear your clothes in the presence of ladies afterwards, you must change +them to smoke in. A host who asks you to smoke, will generally offer you +an old coat for the purpose. You must also, after smoking, rinse the +mouth well out, and, if possible, brush the teeth. You should never +smoke in another person's house without leave, and you should not ask +leave to do so if there are ladies in the house. When you are going to +smoke a cigar you should offer one at the same time to anybody present, +if not a clergyman or a very old man. You should always smoke a cigar +given to you, whether good or bad, and never make any remarks on its +quality. + +"Smoking reminds me of spitting, but as this is at all times a +disgusting habit, I need say nothing more than--never indulge in it. +Besides being coarse and atrocious, it is very bad for the health." + +Chesterfield warns his son against faults in good breeding in the +following words, and these warnings will be equally applicable to the +student of etiquette in the present day. He says:-- + +"Of the lesser talents, good breeding is the principal and most +necessary one, not only as it is very important in itself, but as it +adds great lustre to the more solid advantages both of the heart and the +mind. I have often touched upon good breeding to you before; so that +this letter shall be upon the next necessary qualification to it, which +is a genteel and easy manner and carriage, wholly free from those odd +tricks, ill-habits, and awkwardnesses, which even many very worthy and +sensible people have in their behaviour. However trifling a genteel +manner may sound, it is of very great consequence towards pleasing in +private life, especially the women, which one time or other, you will +think worth pleasing; and I have known many a man from his awkwardness, +give people such a dislike of him at first, that all his merit could not +get the better of it afterwards. Whereas a genteel manner prepossesses +people in your favor, bends them towards you, and makes them wish to be +like you. Awkwardness can proceed but from two causes; either from not +having kept good company, or from not having attended to it. In good +company do you take care to observe their ways and manners, and to form +your own upon them. Attention is absolutely necessary for this, as, +indeed, it is for everything else; and a man without attention is not +fit to live in the world. When an awkward fellow first comes into a +room, it is highly probable that he goes and places himself in the very +place of the whole room where he should not; there he soon lets his hat +fall down, and, in taking it up again, throws down his cane; in +recovering his cane, his hat falls a second time, so that he is quarter +of an hour before he is in order again. If he drinks tea or coffee, he +certainly scalds his mouth, and lets either the cup or saucer fall, and +spills either the tea or coffee. At dinner his awkwardness distinguishes +itself particularly, as he has more to do; there he holds his knife, +fork, and spoon differently from other people, eats with his knife, to +the great danger of his mouth, picks his teeth with his fork, and puts +his spoon, which has been in his throat twenty times, into the dishes +again. If he is to carve, he can never hit the joint: but, in his vain +efforts to cut through the bone, scatters the sauce in everybody's face. +He generally daubs himself with soup and grease, though his napkin is +commonly stuck through a button-hole, and tickles his chin. When he +drinks, he infallibly coughs in his glass, and besprinkles the company. +Besides all this, he has strange tricks and gestures; such as snuffing +up his nose, making faces, putting his finger in his nose, or blowing it +and looking afterwards in his handkerchief so as to make the company +sick. His hands are troublesome to him, when he has not something in +them, and he does not know where to put them; but they are in perpetual +motion between his bosom and his breeches; he does not wear his clothes, +and, in short, he does nothing like other people. All this, I own, is +not in any degree criminal; but it is highly disagreeable and ridiculous +in company, and ought most carefully to be avoided, by whoever desires +to please. + +"From this account of what you should not do, you may easily judge what +you should do; and a due attention to the manners of people of fashion, +and who have seen the world, will make it habitual and familiar to you. + +"There is, likewise, an awkwardness of expression and words, most +carefully to be avoided; such as false English, bad pronunciation, old +sayings, and common proverbs; which are so many proofs of having kept +bad and low company. For example, if, instead of saying that tastes are +different, and that every man has his own peculiar one, you should let +off a proverb, and say, That what is one man's meat is another man's +poison; or else, Every one as they like, as the good man said when he +kissed his cow; everybody would be persuaded that you had never kept +company with anybody above footmen and housemaids. + +"Attention will do all this, and without attention nothing is to be +done; want of attention, which is really want of thought, is either +folly or madness. You should not only have attention to everything, but +a quickness of attention, so as to observe, at once, all the people in +the room, their motions, their looks, and their words, and yet without +staring at them, and seeming to be an observer. This quick and +unobserved observation is of infinite advantage in life, and is to be +acquired with care; and, on the contrary, what is called absence, which +is thoughtlessness, and want of attention about what is doing, makes a +man so like either a fool or a madman, that, for my part, I see no real +difference. A fool never has thought; a madman has lost it; and an +absent man is, for the time, without it. + +"I would warn you against those disagreeable tricks and awkwardnesses, +which many people contract when they are young, by the negligence of +their parents, and cannot get quit of them when they are old; such as +odd motions, strange postures, and ungenteel carriage. But there is +likewise an awkwardness of the mind, that ought to be, and with care may +be, avoided; as, for instance, to mistake names; to speak of Mr. +What-d'ye-call-him, or Mrs. Thingum, or How-d'ye-call-her, is +excessively awkward and ordinary. To call people by improper titles and +appellations is so too. To begin a story or narration when you are not +perfect in it, and cannot go through with it, but are forced, possibly, +to say, in the middle of it, 'I have forgotten the rest,' is very +unpleasant and bungling. One must be extremely exact, clear, and +perspicuous, in everything one says, otherwise, instead of entertaining, +or informing others, one only tires and puzzles them. The voice and +manner of speaking, too, are not to be neglected; some people almost +shut their mouths when they speak, and mutter so, that they are not to +be understood; others speak so fast, and sputter, that they are not to +be understood neither; some always speak as loud as if they were talking +to deaf people; and others so low that one cannot hear them. All these +habits are awkward and disagreeable, and are to be avoided by attention; +they are the distinguishing marks of the ordinary people, who have had +no care taken of their education. You cannot imagine how necessary it is +to mind all these little things; for I have seen many people with great +talents ill-received, for want of having these talents, too; and others +well received, only from their little talents, and who have had no great +ones." + +Nothing is in worse taste in society than to repeat the witticisms or +remarks of another person as if they were your own. If you are +discovered in the larceny of another's ideas, you may originate a +thousand brilliant ones afterwards, but you will not gain the credit of +one. If you quote your friend's remarks, give them as quotations. + +Be cautious in the use of your tongue. Wise men say, that a man may +repent when he has spoken, but he will not repent if he keeps silence. + +If you wish to retain a good position in society, be careful to return +all the visits which are paid to you, promptly, and do not neglect your +calls upon ladies, invalids, and men older than yourself. + +Visiting cards should be small, perfectly plain, with your name, and, if +you will, your address _engraved_ upon it. A handsomely written card is +the most elegant one for a gentleman, after that comes the engraved one; +a printed one is very seldom used, and is not at all elegant. Have no +fanciful devices, ornamented edges, or flourishes upon your visiting +cards, and never put your profession or business upon any but business +cards, unless it is as a prefix or title: as, Dr., Capt., Col., or Gen., +in case you are in the army or navy, put U.S.N., or U.S.A. after your +name, but if you are only in the militia, avoid the vulgarity of using +your title, excepting when you are with your company or on a parade. +Tinted cards may be used, but plain white ones are much more elegant. If +you leave a card at a hotel or boarding house, write the name of the +person for whom it is intended above your own, on the card. + +In directing a letter, put first the name of the person for whom it is +intended, then the name of the city, then that of the state in which he +resides. If you send it to the care of another person, or to a boarding +house, or hotel, you can put that name either after the name of your +correspondent, or in the left hand corner of the letter--thus:-- + + MR. J. S. JONES, + Care of Mr. T. C. Jones, + Boston, + Mass. + +or, + + MR. J. S. JONES, + Boston, + Mass. + Revere House. + +If your friend is in the army or navy, put his title before his station +after his name, thus:-- + + CAPT. L. LEWIS, U.S.A., + +or, + + LIEUTENANT T. ROBERTS, U.S.N. + +If you send your letter by a private hand, put the name of the bearer in +the lower left hand corner of the envelope, but put the name only. +"Politeness of,"--or "Kindness of," are obsolete, and not used now at +all. Write the direction thus:-- + + J. L. HOLMES, ESQ., + Revere House, + Boston, + Mass. + + C. L. Cutts, Esq. + +This will let your friend, Mr. Holmes, know that Mr. Cutts is in Boston, +which is the object to be gained by putting the name of the bearer on a +letter, sent by a private hand. + +GUARD AGAINST VULGAR LANGUAGE. There is as much connection between the +words and the thoughts as there is between the thoughts and the words; +the latter are not only the expression of the former, but they have a +power to re-act upon the soul and leave the stains of their corruption +there. A young man who allows himself to use one profane or vulgar word, +has not only shown that there is a foul spot on his mind, but by the +utterance of that word he extends that spot and inflames it, till, by +indulgence, it will soon pollute and ruin the whole soul. Be careful of +your words as well as your thoughts. If you can control the tongue, that +no improper words are pronounced by it, you will soon be able to control +the mind and save it from corruption. You extinguish the fire by +smothering it, or by preventing bad thoughts bursting out in language. +Never utter a word anywhere, which you would be ashamed to speak in the +presence of the most religious man. Try this practice a little, and you +will soon have command of yourself. + +Do not be known as an egotist. No man is more dreaded in society, or +accounted a greater "bore" than he whose every other word is "I," "me," +or "my." Show an interest in all that others say of themselves, but +speak but little of your own affairs. + +It is quite as bad to be a mere relater of scandal or the affairs of +your neighbors. A female gossip is detestable, but a male gossip is not +only detestable but utterly despicable. + +A celebrated English lawyer gives the following directions for young men +entering into business. He says:-- + +"SELECT THE KIND OF BUSINESS THAT SUITS YOUR NATURAL INCLINATIONS AND +TEMPERAMENT.--Some men are naturally mechanics; others have a strong +aversion to anything like machinery, and so on; one man has a natural +taste for one occupation in life, and another for another. + +"I never could succeed as a merchant. I have tried it, unsuccessfully, +several times. I never could be content with a fixed salary, for mine is +a purely speculative disposition, while others are just the reverse; and +therefore all should be careful to select those occupations that suit +them best. + +"LET YOUR PLEDGED WORD EVER BE SACRED.--Never promise to do a thing +without performing it with the most rigid promptness. Nothing is more +valuable to a man in business than the name of always doing as he +agrees, and that to the moment. A strict adherence to this rule gives a +man the command of half the spare funds within the range of his +acquaintance, and encircles him with a host of friends, who may be +depended upon in any emergency. + +"WHATEVER YOU DO, DO WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT.--Work at it, if necessary, +early and late, in season and out of season, not leaving a stone +unturned, and never deferring for a single hour that which can just as +well be done _now_. The old proverb is full of truth and +meaning--"Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well." Many a +man acquires a fortune by doing his business _thoroughly_, while his +neighbor remains poor for life, because he only _half_ does his +business. Ambition, energy, industry, and perseverance, are +indispensable requisites for success in business. + +"SOBRIETY. USE NO DESCRIPTION OF INTOXICATING DRINKS.--As no man can +succeed in business unless he has a _brain_ to enable him to lay his +plans, and _reason_ to guide him in their execution, so, no matter how +bountifully a man may be blessed with intelligence, if his brain is +muddled, and his judgment warped by intoxicating drinks, it is +impossible for him to carry on business successfully. How many good +opportunities have passed never to return, while a man was sipping a +'social glass' with a friend! How many a foolish bargain has been made +under the influence of the wine-cup, which temporarily makes his victim +so _rich_! How many important chances have been put off until to-morrow, +and thence for ever, because indulgence has thrown the system into a +state of lassitude, neutralizing the energies so essential to success in +business. The use of intoxicating drinks as a beverage is as much an +infatuation as is the smoking of opium by the Chinese, and the former is +quite as destructive to the success of the business man as the latter. + +"LET HOPE PREDOMINATE, BUT BE NOT TOO VISIONARY.--Many persons are +always kept poor because they are too _visionary_. Every project looks +to them like certain success, and, therefore, they keep changing from +one business to another, always in hot water, and always 'under the +harrow.' The plan of 'counting the chickens before they are hatched,' is +an error of ancient date, but it does not seem to improve by age. + +"DO NOT SCATTER YOUR POWERS.--Engage in one kind of business only, and +stick to it faithfully until you succeed, or until you conclude to +abandon it. A constant hammering on one nail will generally drive it +home at last, so that it can be clinched. When a man's undivided +attention is centered on one object, his mind will continually be +suggesting improvements of value, which would escape him if his brain +were occupied by a dozen different subjects at once. Many a fortune has +slipped through men's fingers by engaging in too many occupations at +once. + +"ENGAGE PROPER EMPLOYEES.--Never employ a man of bad habits when one +whose habits are good can be found to fill his situation. I have +generally been extremely fortunate in having faithful and competent +persons to fill the responsible situations in my business; and a man can +scarcely be too grateful for such a blessing. When you find a man unfit +to fill his station, either from incapacity or peculiarity of character +or disposition, dispense with his services, and do not drag out a +miserable existence in the vain attempt to change his nature. It is +utterly impossible to do so, 'You cannot make a silk purse,' &c. He has +been created for some other sphere; let him find and fill it." + +If you wish to succeed in society, and be known as a man who converses +well, you must cultivate your memory. Do not smile and tell me that this +is a gift, not an acquirement. It is true that some people have +naturally a more retentive memory than others, but those naturally most +deficient may strengthen their powers by cultivation. + +Cultivate, therefore, this glorious faculty, by storing and exercising +it with trains of imagery. Accustom yourselves to look at any natural +object, and then consider how many facts and thoughts may be associated +with it--how much of poetic imagery and refined combinations. Follow out +this idea, and you will find that imagination, which is too often in +youth permitted to build up castles in the air, tenantless as they are +unprofitable, will become, if duly exercised, a source of much +enjoyment. I was led into this train of thought while walking in a +beautiful country, and seeing before me a glorious rainbow, over-arching +the valley which lay in front. And not more quickly than its appearance, +came to my remembrance an admirable passage in the "Art of Poetic +Painting," wherein the author suggests the great mental advantage of +exercising the mind on all subjects, by considering-- + + "What use can be made of them? + What remarks they will illustrate? + What representations they will serve? + What comparison they will furnish?" + +And while thus thinking, I remembered that the ingenious author has +instanced the rainbow as affording a variety of illustrations, and +capable, in the imagery which it suggests, of numerous combinations. +Thus: + + +THE HUES OF THE RAINBOW + + Tinted the green and flowery banks of the stream; + Tinged the white blossoms of the apple orchards; + Shed a beauteous radiance on the grass; + Veiled the waning moon and the evening star; + Over-arched the mist of the waterfall; + Reminded the looker-on of peace opposed to turbulence. + And illustrated the moral that even the most beautiful things + of earth must pass away. + +Every book you read, every natural object which meets your view, may be +the exercise of memory, be made to furnish food both for reflection and +conversation, enjoyment for your own solitary hours, and the means of +making you popular in society. Believe me, the man who--"saw it, to be +sure, but really forgot what it looked like," who is met every day in +society, will not be sought after as will the man, who, bringing memory +and fancy happily blended to bear upon what he sees, can make every +object worthy of remark familiar and interesting to those who have not +seen it. + +If you have leisure moments, and what man has not? do not consider them +as spare atoms of time to be wasted, idled away in profitless lounging. +Always have a book within your reach, which you may catch up at your odd +minutes. Resolve to edge in a little reading every day, if it is but a +single sentence. If you can give fifteen minutes a day, it will be felt +at the end of the year. Thoughts take up no room. When they are right +they afford a portable pleasure, which one may travel or labor with +without any trouble or incumbrance. + +In your intercourse with other men, let every word that falls from your +lips, bear the stamp of perfect truth. No reputation can be more +enviable than that of being known as a man who no consideration could +force to soil his soul with a lie. + +"Truth is naturally so acceptable to man, so charming in herself, that +to make falsehood be received, we are compelled to dress it up in the +snow-white robes of Truth; as in passing base coin, it must have the +impress of the good ere it will pass current. Deception, hypocrisy, and +dissimulation, are, when practised, direct compliments to the power of +Truth; and the common custom of passing off Truth's counterfeit for +herself, is strong testimony in behalf of her intrinsic beauty and +excellence." + +Next to being a man of talent, a well-read man is the most agreeable in +society, and no investment of money or time is so profitable as that +spent in good, useful books, and reading. A good book is a lasting +companion. Truths, which it has taken years to glean, are therein at +once freely but carefully communicated. We enjoy communion with the +mind, though not with the person of the writer. Thus the humblest man +may surround himself by the wisest and best spirits of past and present +ages. No one can be solitary who possesses a book; he owns a friend that +will instruct him in moments of leisure or of necessity. It is only +necessary to turn open the leaves, and the fountain at once gives forth +its streams. You may seek costly furniture for your homes, fanciful +ornaments for your mantel-pieces, and rich carpets for your floors; but, +after the absolute necessaries for a home, give me books as at once the +cheapest, and certainly the most useful and abiding embellishments. + +A true gentleman will not only refrain from ridiculing the follies, +ignorance, or infirmities of others, but he will not even allow himself +to smile at them. He will treat the rudest clown with the same easy +courtesy which he would extend to the most polished gentleman, and will +never by word, look, or gesture show that he notices the faults, or +vulgarity of another. _Personal deformity_ is a cross sent by God, and +none but a depraved, wicked, and brutal man could ridicule, or even +greet with a passing smile the unfortunate thus stamped. Even a word or +look of pity will wound the sensitive, but frank, gentle courtesy, the +regard paid by a feeling man to the comfort of a cripple, or that easy +grace which, while it shows no sign of seeing the deformity, shows more +deference to the afflicted one than to the more fortunate, are all duly +appreciated and acknowledged, and win for the man who extends them the +respect and love of all with whom he comes in contact. + +Remember that true wit never descends to personalities. When you hear a +man trying to be "funny" at the expense of his friends, or even his +enemies, you may feel sure that his _humor_ is forced, and while it +sinks to ill-nature, cannot rise to the level of true _wit_. + +Never try to make yourself out to be a very important person. If you are +so really, your friends will soon find it out, if not, they will not +give you credit for being so, because you try to force your fancied +importance upon them. A pompous fool, though often seen, is not much +loved nor respected, and you may remember that the frog who tried to +make himself as big as an ox, died in the attempt. + +A severe wit once said, "If you do not wish to be the mark for +slanderous tongues, be the first to enter a room, and the last to leave +it." + +If you are ever tempted to speak against a woman, think first--"Suppose +she were my sister!" You can never gain anything by bringing your voice +against a woman, even though she may deserve contempt, and your +forbearance may shame others into a similar silence. It is a cowardly +tongue that will take a woman's name upon it to injure her; though many +men do this, who would fear,--_absolutely be afraid_, to speak against a +man, or that same woman, had she a manly arm to protect her. + +I again quote from the celebrated Lord Chesterfield, who says: + +"It is good-breeding alone that can prepossess people in your favour at +first sight, more time being necessary to discover greater talents. This +good-breeding, you know, does not consist in low bows and formal +ceremony; but in an easy, civil, and respectful behaviour. You will take +care, therefore, to answer with complaisance, when you are spoken to; to +place yourself at the lower end of the table, unless bid to go higher; +to drink first to the lady of the house, and next to the master; not to +eat awkwardly or dirtily; not to sit when others stand; and to do all +this with an air of complaisance, and not with a grave, sour look, as if +you did it all unwillingly. I do not mean a silly, insipid smile, that +fools have when they would be civil; but an air of sensible good-humor. +I hardly know anything so difficult to attain, or so necessary to +possess, as perfect good-breeding; which is equally inconsistent with a +still formality, and impertinent forwardness, and an awkward +bashfulness. A little ceremony is often necessary; a certain degree of +firmness is absolutely so; and an outward modesty is extremely becoming; +the knowledge of the world, and your own observations, must, and alone +can tell you the proper quantities of each. + +"I mentioned the general rules of common civility, which, whoever does +not observe, will pass for a bear, and be as unwelcome as one, in +company; there is hardly any body brutal enough not to answer when they +are spoken to. But it is not enough not to be rude; you should be +extremely civil, and distinguished for your good breeding. The first +principle of this good breeding is never to say anything that you think +can be disagreeable to any body in company; but, on the contrary, you +should endeavor to say what will be agreeable to them; and that in an +easy and natural manner, without seeming to study for compliments. There +is likewise such a thing as a civil look, and a rude look; and you +should look civil, as well as be so; for if, while you are saying a +civil thing, you look gruff and surly, as English bumpkins do, nobody +will be obliged to you for a civility that seemed to come so +unwillingly. If you have occasion to contradict any body, or to set them +right from a mistake, it would be very brutal to say, '_That is not so, +I know better_, or _You are out_; but you should say with a civil look, +_I beg your pardon, I believe you mistake_, or, _If I may take the +liberty of contradicting you, I believe it is so and so_; for, though +you may know a thing better than other people, yet it is very shocking +to tell them so directly, without something to soften it; but remember +particularly, that whatever you say or do, with ever so civil an +intention, a great deal consists in the manner and the look, which must +be genteel, easy, and natural, and is easier to be felt than described. + +"Civility is particularly due to all women; and remember, that no +provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every +woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute, if he were +not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is the only +protection they have against the superior strength of ours; nay, even a +little flattery is allowable with women; and a man may, without +meanness, tell a woman that she is either handsomer or wiser than she +is. Observe the French people, and mind how easily and naturally civil +their address is, and how agreeably they insinuate little civilities in +their conversation. They think it so essential, that they call an honest +man and a civil man by the same name, of _honnete homme_; and the Romans +called civility _humanitas_, as thinking it inseparable from humanity. +You cannot begin too early to take that turn, in order to make it +natural and habitual to you." + +Again, speaking of the inconveniency of bashfulness, he says:-- + +"As for the _mauvaise honte_, I hope you are above it. Your figure is +like other people's; I suppose you will care that your dress shall be so +too, and to avoid any singularity. What then should you be ashamed of? +and why not go into a mixed company, with as much ease and as little +concern, as you would go into your own room? Vice and ignorance are the +only things I know, which one ought to be ashamed of; keep but clear of +them, and you may go anywhere without fear or concern. I have known some +people, who, from feeling the pain and inconveniences of this _mauvaise +honte_, have rushed into the other extreme, and turned impudent, as +cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of danger; but this too +is carefully to be avoided, there being nothing more generally shocking +than impudence. The medium between these two extremes marks out the +well-bred man; he feels himself firm and easy in all companies; is +modest without being bashful, and steady without being impudent; if he +is a stranger, he observes, with care, the manners and ways of the +people most esteemed at that place, and conforms to them with +complaisance." + +Flattery is always in bad taste. If you say more in a person's praise +than is deserved, you not only say what is _false_, but you make others +doubt the wisdom of your judgment. Open, palpable flattery will be +regarded by those to whom it is addressed as an insult. In your +intercourse with ladies, you will find that the delicate compliment of +seeking their society, showing your pleasure in it, and choosing for +subjects of conversation, other themes than the weather, dress, or the +opera, will be more appreciated by women of sense, than the more awkward +compliment of open words or gestures of admiration. + +Never imitate the eccentricities of other men, even though those men +have the highest genius to excuse their oddities. Eccentricity is, at +the best, in bad taste; but an imitation of it--second hand oddity--is +detestable. + +Never feign abstraction in society. If you have matters of importance +which really occupy your mind, and prevent you from paying attention to +the proper etiquette of society, stay at home till your mind is less +preoccupied. Chesterfield says:-- + +"What is commonly called an absent man, is commonly either a very weak, +or a very affected man; but be he which he will, he is, I am sure, a +very disagreeable man in company. He fails in all the common offices of +civility; he seems not to know those people to-day, whom yesterday he +appeared to live in intimacy with. He takes no part in the general +conversation; but, on the contrary, breaks into it from time to time, +with some start of his own, as if he waked from a dream. This (as I said +before) is a sure indication, either of a mind so weak that it is not +able to bear above one object at a time; or so affected, that it would +be supposed to be wholly engrossed by, and directed to, some very great +and important objects. Sir Isaac Newton, Mr. Locke, and (it may be) five +or six more, since the creation of the world, may have had a right to +absence, from that intense thought which the things they were +investigating required. But if a young man, and a man of the world, who +has no such avocations to plead, will claim and exercise that right of +absence in company, his pretended right should, in my mind, be turned +into an involuntary absence, by his perpetual exclusion out of company. +However frivolous a company may be, still, while you are among them, do +not show them, by your inattention, that you think them so; but rather +take their tone, and conform, in some degree, to their weakness, instead +of manifesting your contempt for them. There is nothing that people +bear more impatiently, or forgive less, than contempt; and an injury is +much sooner forgotten than an insult. If, therefore, you would rather +please than offend, rather be well than ill-spoken of, rather be loved +than hated; remember to have that constant attention about you, which +flatters every man's little vanity; and the want of which, by mortifying +his pride, never fails to excite his resentment, or, at least, his ill +will. For instance: most people (I might say all people) have their +weaknesses; they have their aversions and their likings to such or such +things; so that, if you were to laugh at a man for his aversion to a +cat, or cheese, (which are common antipathies,) or, by inattention and +negligence, to let them come in his way, where you could prevent it, he +would, in the first case, think himself insulted, and, in the second, +slighted, and would remember both. Whereas your care to procure for him +what he likes, and to remove from him what he hates, shows him that he +is, at least, an object of your attention; flatters his vanity, and +makes him, possibly, more your friend than a more important service +would have done. With regard to women, attentions still below these are +necessary, and, by the custom of the world, in some measure due, +according to the laws of good breeding." + +In giving an entertainment to your friends, while you avoid extravagant +expenditure, it is your duty to place before them the best your purse +will permit you to purchase, and be sure you have plenty. Abundance +without superfluity, and good quality without extravagance, are your +best rules for an entertainment. + +If, by the introduction of a friend, by a mistake, or in any other way, +your enemy, or a man to whom you have the strongest personal dislike, is +under your roof, or at your table, as a guest, hospitality and good +breeding both require you to treat him with the same frank courtesy +which you extend to your other guests; though you need make no violent +protestations of friendship, and are not required to make any advances +towards him after he ceases to be your guest. + +In giving a dinner party, invite only as many guests as you can seat +comfortably at your table. If you have two tables, have them precisely +alike, or, rest assured, you will offend those friends whom you place at +what they judge to be the inferior table. Above all, avoid having little +tables placed in the corners of the room, when there is a large table. +At some houses in Paris it is a fashion to set the dining room entirely +with small tables, which will accommodate comfortably three or four +people, and such parties are very merry, very sociable and pleasant, if +four congenial people are around each table; but it is a very dull +fashion, if you are not sure of the congeniality of each quartette of +guests. + +If you lose your fortune or position in society, it is wiser to retire +from the world of fashion than to wait for that world to bow you out. + +If you are poor, but welcome in society on account of your family or +talents, avoid the error which the young are most apt to fall into, that +of living beyond your means. + +The advice of Polonius to Laertes is as excellent in the present day, as +it was in Shakespeare's time:-- + + "Give thy thoughts no tongue, + Nor any unproportioned thought his act. + Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. + The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, + Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel: + But do not dull thy palm with entertainments + Of each new hatch'd, unfledg'd comrade. Beware + Of entrance to a quarrel: but, being in, + Bear it that the opposer may beware of thee. + Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice; + Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment. + Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, + But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy; + For the apparel oft proclaims the man. + + * * * * * + + Neither a borrower nor a lender be: + For loan oft loses both itself and friend; + And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. + This above all,--To thine ownself be true; + And it must follow, as the night the day, + Thou canst not then be false to any man." + +It is by no means desirable to be always engaged in the serious pursuits +of life. Take time for pleasure, and you will find your work progresses +faster for some recreation. Lord Chesterfield says: + +"I do not regret the time that I passed in pleasures; they were +seasonable; they were the pleasures of youth, and I enjoyed them while +young. If I had not, I should probably have overvalued them now, as we +are very apt to do what we do not know; but knowing them as I do, I know +their real value, and how much they are generally overrated. Nor do I +regret the time that I have passed in business, for the same reason; +those who see only the outside of it, imagine it has hidden charms, +which they pant after; and nothing but acquaintance can undeceive them. +I, who have been behind the scenes, both of pleasure and business, and +have seen all the springs and pullies of those decorations which +astonish and dazzle the audience, retire, not only without regret, but +with contentment and satisfaction. But what I do, and ever shall regret, +is the time which, while young, I lost in mere idleness, and in doing +nothing. This is the common effect of the inconsideracy of youth, +against which I beg you will be most carefully upon your guard. The +value of moments, when cast up, is immense, if well employed; if thrown +away, their loss is irrecoverable. Every moment may be put to some use, +and that with much more pleasure than if unemployed. Do not imagine that +by the employment of time, I mean an uninterrupted application to +serious studies. No; pleasures are, at proper times, both as necessary +and as useful; they fashion and form you for the world; they teach you +characters, and show you the human heart in its unguarded minutes. But +then remember to make that use of them. I have known many people, from +laziness of mind, go through both pleasure and business with equal +inattention; neither enjoying the one nor doing the other; thinking +themselves men of pleasure, because they were mingled with those who +were, and men of business, because they had business to do, though they +did not do it. Whatever you do, do it to the purpose; do it thoroughly, +not superficially. _Approfondissez_: go to the bottom of things. +Anything half done or half known, is, in my mind, neither done nor +known at all. Nay worse, it often misleads. There is hardly any place or +any company where you may not gain knowledge, if you please; almost +every body knows some one thing, and is glad to talk upon that one +thing. Seek and you will find, in this world as well as in the next. See +everything; inquire into everything; and you may excuse your curiosity, +and the questions you ask, which otherwise might be thought impertinent, +by your manner of asking them; for most things depend a great deal upon +the manner. As, for example, I _am afraid that I am very troublesome +with my questions; but nobody can inform me so well as you_; or +something of that kind." + +The same author, speaking of the evils of pedantry, says:-- + +"Every excellency, and every virtue has its kindred vice or weakness; +and, if carried beyond certain bounds, sinks into one or the other. +Generosity often runs into profusion, economy into avarice, courage into +rashness, caution into timidity, and so on:--insomuch that, I believe, +there is more judgment required for the proper conduct of our virtues, +than for avoiding their opposite vices. Vice, in its true light, is so +deformed, that it shocks us at first sight, and would hardly ever seduce +us, if it did not at first wear the mask of some virtue. But virtue is, +in itself, so beautiful, that it charms us at first sight; engages us +more and more upon further acquaintance; and, as with other beauties, we +think excess impossible, it is here that judgment is necessary, to +moderate and direct the effects of an excellent cause. I shall apply +this reasoning, at present, not to any particular virtue, but to an +excellency, which, for want of judgment, is often the cause of +ridiculous and blameable effects; I mean great learning; which, if not +accompanied with sound judgment, frequently carries us into error, +pride, and pedantry. As, I hope, you will possess that excellency in its +utmost extent, and yet without its too common failings, the hints, which +my experience can suggest, may probably not be useless to you. + +"Some learned men, proud of their knowledge, only speak to decide, and +give judgment without appeal; the consequence of which is, that mankind, +provoked by the insult, and injured by the oppression, revolt; and, in +order to shake off the tyranny, even call the lawful authority in +question. The more you know, the modester you should be; and (by the +bye) that modesty is the surest way of gratifying your vanity. Even +where you are sure, seem rather doubtful; represent, but do not +pronounce; and, if you would convince others, seem open to conviction +yourself. + +"Others, to show their learning, or often from the prejudices of a +school education, where they hear of nothing else, are always talking of +the ancients, as something more than men, and of the moderns, as +something less. They are never without a classic or two in their +pockets; they stick to the old good sense; they read none of the modern +trash; and will show you plainly that no improvement has been made in +any one art or science these last seventeen hundred years. I would, by +no means, have you disown your acquaintance with the ancients; but still +less would I have you brag of an exclusive intimacy with them. Speak of +the moderns without contempt, and of the ancients without idolatry; +judge them all by their merits, but not by their ages; and if you happen +to have an Elzevir classic in your pocket, neither show it nor mention +it. + +"Some great scholars, most absurdly, draw all their maxims, both for +public and private life, from what they call parallel cases in the +ancient authors; without considering that, in the first place, there +never were, since the creation of the world, two cases exactly parallel; +and, in the next place, that there never was a case stated, or even +known, by any historian, with every one of its circumstances; which, +however, ought to be known in order to be reasoned from. Reason upon the +case itself, and the several circumstances that attend it, and act +accordingly; but not from the authority of ancient poets or historians. +Take into your consideration, if you please, cases seemingly analogous; +but take them as helps only, not as guides. + +"There is another species of learned men who, though less dogmatical and +supercilious, are not less impertinent. These are the communicative and +shining pedants, who adorn their conversation, even with women, by happy +quotations of Greek and Latin; and who have contracted such a +familiarity with the Greek and Roman authors, that they call them by +certain names or epithets denoting intimacy. As, _old_ Homer; that _sly +rogue_ Horace; _Maro_, instead of Virgil; and _Naso_, instead of Ovid. +These are often imitated by coxcombs who have no learning at all, but +who have got some names and some scraps of ancient authors by heart, +which they improperly and impertinently retail in all companies, in +hopes of passing for scholars. If, therefore, you would avoid the +accusation of pedantry on one hand, or the suspicion of ignorance on the +other, abstain from learned ostentation. Speak the language of the +company that you are in; speak it purely, and unlarded with any other. +Never seem wiser nor more learned than the people you are with. Wear +your learning, like your watch, in a private pocket; and do not pull it +out and strike it, merely to show that you have one. If you are asked +what o'clock it is, tell it, but do not proclaim it hourly and unasked, +like the watchman. + +"Upon the whole, remember that learning (I mean Greek and Roman +learning) is a most useful and necessary ornament, which it is shameful +not to be master of; but, at the same time, most carefully avoid those +errors and abuses which I have mentioned, and which too often attend it. +Remember, too, that great modern knowledge is still more necessary than +ancient; and that you had better know perfectly the present, than the +old state of the world; though I would have you well acquainted with +both." + +If you are poor, you must deprive yourself often of the pleasure of +escorting ladies to ride, the opera, or other entertainments, because it +is understood in society that, in these cases, a gentleman pays all the +expenses for both, and in any emergency you may find your bill for +carriage hire, suppers, bouquets, or other unforeseen demands, greater +than you anticipated. + +Shun the card table. Even the friendly games common in society, for +small stakes, are best avoided. They feed the love of gambling, and you +will find that this love, if once acquired, is the hardest curse to get +rid of. + +It is in bad taste, though often done, to turn over the cards on a +table, when you are calling. If your host or hostess finds you so doing, +it may lead them to suppose you value them more for their acquaintances +than themselves. + + + + +---------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Transcriber's Note: + + +Inconsistencies in accents (e.g. tete a tete vs. tete a tete) and +hyphenation (e.g. ball room vs. ball-room) have not been corrected. +Variant spellings have also been retained. + +Minor typographical errors (e.g. missing punctuation, incorrect or +duplicate letters) have been corrected without note. + +The following changes were also made to the text: + +p. 130: missing 'at' added (too lazy to part it at all) + +p. 255: two asterisks changed to ellipsis (before he begins any +other....) + +p. 266: italics added to 'I' and removed from 'or' ( _I have the honor +to acquaint you_; _Permit me to assure you_; or,) + +p. 292: italics removed from 'of' (_largesse_ of) + +p. 332: off to of (get rid of) + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and +Manual of Politeness, by Cecil B. 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