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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/39293-0.txt b/39293-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2829cf2 --- /dev/null +++ b/39293-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9353 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and +Manual of Politeness, by Cecil B. Hartley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness + Being a Complete Guide for a Gentleman's Conduct in all + his Relations Towards Society + +Author: Cecil B. Hartley + +Release Date: March 28, 2012 [EBook #39293] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + + + + +Produced by Julia Miller, S.D., and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + THE + + GENTLEMEN’S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, + + AND + + MANUAL OF POLITENESS; + + BEING + + A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR A GENTLEMAN’S CONDUCT IN ALL + HIS RELATIONS TOWARDS SOCIETY. + + CONTAINING + + RULES FOR THE ETIQUETTE TO BE OBSERVED IN THE STREET, AT + TABLE, IN THE BALL ROOM, EVENING PARTY, AND MORNING + CALL; WITH FULL DIRECTIONS FOR POLITE CORRESPONDENCE, + DRESS, CONVERSATION, MANLY EXERCISES, + AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. + + FROM THE BEST FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND AMERICAN AUTHORITIES. + + BY + CECIL B. HARTLEY. + + BOSTON: + G. W. COTTRELL, PUBLISHER, + 36 CORNHILL. + + +Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by + +G. G. EVANS, + +in the Clerk’s Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of +Pennsylvania. + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + + +Man was not intended to live like a bear or a hermit, apart from others +of his own nature, and, philosophy and reason will each agree with me, +that man was born for sociability and finds his true delight in society. +Society is a word capable of many meanings, and used here in each and +all of them. Society, _par excellence_; the world at large; the little +clique to which he is bound by early ties; the companionship of friends +or relatives; even society _tete a tete_ with one dear sympathizing +soul, are pleasant states for a man to be in. + +Taking the word in its most extended view, it is the world; but in the +light we wish to impress in our book it is the smaller world of the +changing, pleasant intercourse of each city or town in which our reader +may chance to abide. + +This society, composed, as it is, of many varying natures and elements, +where each individual must submit to merge his own identity into the +universal whole, which makes the word and state, is divided and +subdivided into various cliques, and has a pastime for every +disposition, grave or gay; and with each division rises up a new set of +forms and ceremonies to be observed if you wish to glide down the +current of polite life, smoothly and pleasantly. + +The young man who makes his first entrance into the world of society, +should know how to choose his friends, and next how to conduct himself +towards them. Experience is, of course, the best guide, but at first +starting this must come second hand, from an older friend, or from +books. + +A judicious friend is the best guide; but how is the young man to know +whom to choose? When at home this friend is easily selected; but in this +country, where each bird leaves the parent nest as soon as his wings +will bear him safely up, there are but few who stay amongst the friends +at home. + +Next then comes the instruction from books. + +True a book will not fully supply the place either of experience or +friendly advice, still it may be made useful, and, carefully written +from the experience of heads grown gray in society, with only well +authenticated rules, it will be a guide not to be despised by the young +aspirant for favor in polite and refined circles. + +You go into society from mixed motives; partly for pleasure, recreation +after the fatigues of your daily duties, and partly that you may become +known. In a republican country where one man’s opportunities for rising +are as good as those of another, ambition will lead every rising man +into society. + +You may set it down as a rule, that as you treat the world, so the world +will treat you. Carry into the circles of society a refined, polished +manner, and an amiable desire to please, and it will meet you with +smiling grace, and lead you forward pleasantly along the flowery paths; +go, on the contrary, with a brusque, rude manner, startling all the +silky softness before you with cut and thrust remarks, carrying only +the hard realities of life in your hand, and you will find society armed +to meet you, showing only sharp corners and thorny places for your +blundering footsteps to stumble against. + +You will find in every circle that etiquette holds some sway; her rule +is despotic in some places, in others mild, and easily set aside. Your +first lesson in society will be to study where she reigns supreme, in +her crown and holding her sceptre, and where she only glides in with a +gentle hint or so, and timidly steps out if rebuked; and let your +conduct be governed by the result of your observations. You will soon +become familiar with the signs, and tell on your first entrance into a +room whether kid gloves and exquisite finish of manner will be +appropriate, or whether it is “hail, fellow, well met” with the inmates. +Remember, however, “once a gentleman always a gentleman,” and be sure +that you can so carry out the rule, that in your most careless, joyous +moments, when freest from the restraints of etiquette, you can still be +recognizable as a _gentleman_ by every act, word, or look. + +Avoid too great a restraint of manner. Stiffness is not politeness, and, +while you observe every rule, you may appear to heed none. To make your +politeness part of yourself, inseparable from every action, is the +height of gentlemanly elegance and finish of manner. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + + INTRODUCTION 3 + + CHAPTER I. + + CONVERSATION 11 + + CHAPTER II. + + POLITENESS 31 + + CHAPTER III. + + TABLE ETIQUETTE 50 + + CHAPTER IV. + + ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET 66 + + CHAPTER V. + + ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING 75 + + CHAPTER VI. + + ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM 91 + + CHAPTER VII. + + DRESS 116 + + CHAPTER VIII. + + MANLY EXERCISES 154 + + CHAPTER IX. + + TRAVELING 176 + + CHAPTER X. + + ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH 183 + + CHAPTER XI. + + ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT 186 + + CHAPTER XII. + + PARTIES 222 + + CHAPTER XIII. + + COURTESY AT HOME 228 + + CHAPTER XIV. + + TRUE COURTESY 244 + + CHAPTER XV. + + LETTER WRITING 252 + + CHAPTER XVI. + + WEDDING ETIQUETTE 280 + + CHAPTER XVII. + + ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT 294 + + CHAPTER XVIII. + + MISCELLANEOUS 298 + + + + +GENTLEMEN’S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +CONVERSATION. + + +One of the first rules for a guide in polite conversation, is to avoid +political or religious discussions in general society. Such discussions +lead almost invariably to irritating differences of opinion, often to +open quarrels, and a coolness of feeling which might have been avoided +by dropping the distasteful subject as soon as marked differences of +opinion arose. It is but one out of many that can discuss either +political or religious differences, with candor and judgment, and yet so +far control his language and temper as to avoid either giving or taking +offence. + +In their place, in circles which have met for such discussions, in a +_tête à tête_ conversation, in a small party of gentlemen where each is +ready courteously to listen to the others, politics may be discussed +with perfect propriety, but in the drawing-room, at the dinner-table, or +in the society of ladies, these topics are best avoided. + +If you are drawn into such a discussion without intending to be so, be +careful that your individual opinion does not lead you into language +and actions unbecoming a gentleman. Listen courteously to those whose +opinions do not agree with yours, and _keep your temper_. A man in a +passion ceases to be a gentleman. + +Even if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, yield gracefully, +decline further discussion, or dextrously turn the conversation, but do +not obstinately defend your own opinion until you become angry, or more +excited than is becoming to a gentleman. + +Many there are who, giving their opinion, not as an _opinion_ but as a +_law_, will defend their position by such phrases, as: “Well, if _I_ +were president, or governor, I would,” &c.--and while by the warmth of +their argument they prove that they are utterly unable to govern their +own temper, they will endeavor to persuade you that they are perfectly +competent to take charge of the government of the nation. + +Retain, if you will, a fixed political opinion, yet do not parade it +upon all occasions, and, above all, do not endeavor to _force_ others to +agree with you. Listen calmly to their ideas upon the same subjects, and +if you cannot agree, differ politely, and while your opponent may set +you down as a bad politician, let him be obliged to admit that you are a +_gentleman_. + +Wit and vivacity are two highly important ingredients in the +conversation of a man in polite society, yet a straining for effect, or +forced wit, is in excessively bad taste. There is no one more +insupportable in society than the everlasting talkers who scatter puns, +witticisms, and jokes with so profuse a hand that they become as +tiresome as a comic newspaper, and whose loud laugh at their own wit +drowns other voices which might speak matter more interesting. The +really witty man does not shower forth his wit so indiscriminately; his +charm consists in wielding his powerful weapon delicately and easily, +and making each highly polished witticism come in the right place and +moment to be effectual. While real wit is a most delightful gift, and +its use a most charming accomplishment, it is, like many other bright +weapons, dangerous to use too often. You may wound where you meant only +to amuse, and remarks which you mean only in for general applications, +may be construed into personal affronts, so, if you have the gift, use +it wisely, and not too freely. + +The most important requisite for a good conversational power is +education, and, by this is meant, not merely the matter you may store in +your memory from observation or books, though this is of vast +importance, but it also includes the developing of the mental powers, +and, above all, the comprehension. An English writer says, “A man should +be able, in order to enter into conversation, to catch rapidly the +meaning of anything that is advanced; for instance, though you know +nothing of science, you should not be obliged to stare and be silent, +when a man who does understand it is explaining a new discovery or a new +theory; though you have not read a word of Blackstone, your +comprehensive powers should be sufficiently acute to enable you to take +in the statement that may be made of a recent cause; though you may not +have read some particular book, you should be capable of appreciating +the criticism which you hear of it. Without such power--simple enough, +and easily attained by attention and practice, yet too seldom met with +in general society--a conversation which departs from the most ordinary +topics cannot be maintained without the risk of lapsing into a lecture; +with such power, society becomes instructive as well as amusing, and you +have no remorse at an evening’s end at having wasted three or four hours +in profitless banter, or simpering platitudes. This facility of +comprehension often startles us in some women, whose education we know +to have been poor, and whose reading is limited. If they did not rapidly +receive your ideas, they could not, therefore, be fit companions for +intellectual men, and it is, perhaps, their consciousness of a +deficiency which leads them to pay the more attention to what you say. +It is this which makes married women so much more agreeable to men of +thought than young ladies, as a rule, can be, for they are accustomed to +the society of a husband, and the effort to be a companion to his mind +has engrafted the habit of attention and ready reply.” + +The same author says: “No less important is the cultivation of taste. If +it is tiresome and deadening to be with people who cannot understand, +and will not even appear to be interested in your better thoughts, it is +almost repulsive to find a man insensible to all beauty, and immovable +by any horror. + +“In the present day an acquaintance with art, even if you have no love +for it, is a _sine quâ non_ of good society. Music and painting are +subjects which will be discussed in every direction around you. It is +only in bad society that people go to the opera, concerts, and +art-exhibitions merely because it is the fashion, or to say they have +been there; and if you confessed to such a weakness in really good +society, you would be justly voted a puppy. For this, too, some book +knowledge is indispensable. You should at least know the names of the +more celebrated artists, composers, architects, sculptors, and so forth, +and should be able to approximate their several schools. + +“So too, you should know pretty accurately the pronunciation of +celebrated names, or, if not, take care not to use them. It will never +do to be ignorant of the names and approximate ages of great composers, +especially in large cities, where music is so highly appreciated and so +common a theme. It will be decidedly condemnatory if you talk of the +_new_ opera ‘Don Giovanni,’ or _Rossini’s_ ‘Trovatore,’ or are ignorant +who composed ‘Fidelio,’ and in what opera occur such common pieces as +‘_Ciascun lo dice_,’ or ‘_Il segreto_.’ I do not say that these trifles +are indispensable, and when a man has better knowledge to offer, +especially with genius or ‘cleverness’ to back it, he will not only be +pardoned for an ignorance of them, but can even take a high tone, and +profess indifference or contempt of them. But, at the same time, such +ignorance stamps an ordinary man, and hinders conversation. On the other +hand the best society will not endure dilettantism, and, whatever the +knowledge a man may possess of any art, he must not display it so as to +make the ignorance of others painful to them. But this applies to every +topic. To have only one or two subjects to converse on, and to discourse +rather than talk on them, is always ill-bred, whether the theme be +literature or horseflesh. The gentleman jockey will probably denounce +the former as a ‘bore,’ and call us pedants for dwelling on it; but if, +as is too often the case, he can give us nothing more general than the +discussion of the ‘points’ of a horse that, perhaps, we have never seen, +he is as great a pedant in his way. + +“_Reason_ plays a less conspicuous part in good society because its +frequenters are too reasonable to be mere reasoners. A disputation is +always dangerous to temper, and tedious to those who cannot feel as +eager as the disputants; a discussion, on the other hand, in which every +body has a chance of stating amicably and unobtrusively his or her +opinion, must be of frequent occurrence. But to cultivate the reason, +besides its high moral value, has the advantage of enabling one to reply +as well as attend to the opinions of others. Nothing is more tedious or +disheartening than a perpetual, ‘Yes, just so,’ and nothing more. +Conversation must never be one-sided. Then, again, the reason enables us +to support a fancy or an opinion, when we are asked _why_ we think so. +To reply, ‘I don’t know, but still I think so,’ is silly and tedious. + +“But there is a part of our education so important and so neglected in +our schools and colleges, that it cannot be too highly impressed on the +young man who proposes to enter society. I mean that which we learn +first of all things, yet often have not learned fully when death eases +us of the necessity--the art of speaking our own language. What can +Greek and Latin, French and German be for us in our every-day life, if +we have not acquired this? We are often encouraged to raise a laugh at +Doctor Syntax and the tyranny of Grammar, but we may be certain that +more misunderstandings, and, therefore, more difficulties arise between +men in the commonest intercourse from a want of grammatical precision +than from any other cause. It was once the fashion to neglect grammar, +as it now is with certain people to write illegibly, and, in the days of +Goethe, a man thought himself a genius if he could spell badly. + +“Precision and accuracy must begin in the very outset; and if we neglect +them in grammar, we shall scarcely acquire them in expressing our +thoughts. But since there is no society without interchange of thought, +and since the best society is that in which the best thoughts are +interchanged in the best and most comprehensible manner, it follows that +a proper mode of expressing ourselves is indispensable in good society. + +“The art of expressing one’s thoughts neatly and suitably is one which, +in the neglect of rhetoric as a study, we must practice for ourselves. +The commonest thought well put is more useful in a social point of view, +than the most brilliant idea jumbled out. What is well expressed is +easily seized, and therefore readily responded to; the most poetic fancy +may be lost to the hearer, if the language which conveys it is obscure. +Speech is the gift which distinguishes man from animals, and makes +society possible. He has but a poor appreciation of his high privilege +as a human being, who neglects to cultivate, ‘God’s great gift of +speech.’ + +“As I am not writing for men of genius, but for ordinary beings, I am +right to state that an indispensable part of education is a knowledge of +the literature of the English language. But _how_ to read, is, for +society more important than _what_ we read. The man who takes up nothing +but a newspaper, but reads it to _think_, to deduct conclusions from its +premises, and form a judgment on its opinions, is more fitted for +society than he, who having all the current literature and devoting his +whole time to its perusal, swallows it all without digestion. In fact, +the mind must be treated like the body, and however great its appetite, +it will soon fall into bad health if it gorges, but does not ruminate. +At the same time an acquaintance with the best current literature is +necessary to modern society, and it is not sufficient to have read a +book without being able to pass a judgment upon it. Conversation on +literature is impossible, when your respondent can only say, ‘Yes. I +like the book, but I really don’t know why.’ + +“An acquaintance with old English literature is not perhaps +indispensable, but it gives a man great advantage in all kinds of +society, and in some he is at a constant loss without it. The same may +be said of foreign literature, which in the present day is almost as +much discussed as our own; but, on the other hand, an acquaintance with +home and foreign politics, with current history, and subjects of passing +interest, is absolutely necessary; and a person of sufficient +intelligence to join in good society, cannot dispense with his daily +newspaper, his literary journal, and the principal reviews and +magazines. The cheapness of every kind of literature, the facilities of +our well stored circulating libraries, our public reading rooms, and +numerous excellent lectures on every possible subject, leave no excuse +to poor or rich for an ignorance of any of the topics discussed in +intellectual society. You may forget your Latin, Greek, French, German, +and Mathematics, but if you frequent good company, you will never be +allowed to forget that you are a citizen of the world.” + +A man of real intelligence and cultivated mind, is generally modest. He +may feel when in every day society, that in intellectual acquirements he +is above those around him; but he will not seek to make his companions +feel their inferiority, nor try to display this advantage over them. He +will discuss with frank simplicity the topics started by others, and +endeavor to avoid starting such as they will not feel inclined to +discuss. All that he says will be marked by politeness and deference to +the feelings and opinions of others. + +La Bruyere says, “The great charm of conversation consists less in the +display of one’s own wit and intelligence, than in the power to draw +forth the resources of others; he who leaves you after a long +conversation, pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the +discourse, will be your warmest admirer. Men do not care to admire you, +they wish you to be pleased with them; they do not seek for instruction +or even amusement from your discourse, but they do wish you to be made +acquainted with their talents and powers of conversation; and the true +man of genius will delicately make all who come in contact with him, +feel the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they have appeared to +advantage.” + +Having admitted the above to be an incontestable fact, you will also see +that it is as great an accomplishment to listen with an air of interest +and attention, as it is to speak well. + +To be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a good talker, and it +is in the character of listener that you can most readily detect the man +who is accustomed to good society. Nothing is more embarrassing to any +one who is speaking, than to perceive signs of weariness or inattention +in the person whom he addresses. + +Never interrupt any one who is speaking; it is quite as rude to +officiously supply a name or date about which another hesitates, unless +you are asked to do so. Another gross breach of etiquette, is to +anticipate the point of a story which another person is reciting, or to +take it from his lips to finish it in your own language. Some persons +plead as an excuse for this breach of etiquette, that the reciter was +spoiling a good story by a bad manner, but this does not mend the +matter. It is surely rude to give a man to understand that you do not +consider him capable of finishing an anecdote that he has commenced. + +It is ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a long speech from +another person, and quite as rude to look at a watch, read a letter, +flirt the leaves of a book, or in any other action show that you are +tired of the speaker or his subject. + +In a general conversation, never speak when another person is speaking, +and never try by raising your own voice to drown that of another. Never +assume an air of haughtiness, or speak in a dictatorial manner; let your +conversation be always amiable and frank, free from every affectation. + +Put yourself on the same level as the person to whom you speak, and +under penalty of being considered a pedantic idiot, refraining from +explaining any expression or word that you may use. + +Never, unless you are requested to do so, speak of your own business or +profession in society; to confine your conversation entirely to the +subject or pursuit which is your own speciality is low-bred and vulgar. + +Make the subject for conversation suit the company in which you are +placed. Joyous, light conversation will be at times as much out of +place, as a sermon would be at a dancing party. Let your conversation be +grave or gay as suits the time or place. + +In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw from them. +You will surely make one enemy, perhaps two, by taking either side, in +an argument when the speakers have lost their temper. + +Never gesticulate in every day conversation, unless you wish to be +mistaken for a fifth rate comedian. + +Never ask any one who is conversing with you to repeat his words. +Nothing is ruder than to say, “Pardon me, will you repeat that +sentence--I did not hear you at first,” and thus imply that your +attention was wandering when he first spoke. + +Never, during a general conversation, endeavor to concentrate the +attention wholly upon yourself. It is quite as rude to enter into +conversation with one of a group, and endeavor to draw him out of the +circle of general conversation to talk with you alone. + +Never listen to the conversation of two persons who have thus withdrawn +from a group. If they are so near you that you cannot avoid hearing +them, you may, with perfect propriety, change your seat. + +Make your own share in conversation as modest and brief as is consistent +with the subject under consideration, and avoid long speeches and +tedious stories. If, however, another, particularly an old man, tells a +long story, or one that is not new to you, listen respectfully until he +has finished, before you speak again. + +Speak of yourself but little. Your friends will find out your virtues +without forcing you to tell them, and you may feel confident that it is +equally unnecessary to expose your faults yourself. + +If you submit to flattery, you must also submit to the imputation of +folly and self-conceit. + +In speaking of your friends, do not compare them, one with another. +Speak of the merits of each one, but do not try to heighten the virtues +of one by contrasting them with the vices of another. + +No matter how absurd are the anecdotes that may be told in your +presence, you must never give any sign of incredulity. They may be true; +and even if false, good breeding forces you to hear them with polite +attention, and the appearance of belief. To show by word or sign any +token of incredulity, is to give the lie to the narrator, and that is an +unpardonable insult. + +Avoid, in conversation all subjects which can injure the absent. A +gentleman will never calumniate or listen to calumny. + +Need I say that no gentleman will ever soil his mouth with an oath. +Above all, to swear in a drawing-room or before ladies is not only +indelicate and vulgar in the extreme, but evinces a shocking ignorance +of the rules of polite society and good breeding. + +For a long time the world has adopted a certain form of speech which is +used in good society, and which changing often, is yet one of the +distinctive marks of a gentleman. A word or even a phrase which has been +used among the most refined circles, will, sometimes, by a sudden freak +of fashion, from being caricatured in a farce or song, or from some +other cause, go entirely out of use. Nothing but habitual intercourse +with people of refinement and education, and mingling in general +society, will teach a gentleman what words to use and what to avoid. Yet +there are some words which are now entirely out of place in a parlor. + +Avoid a declamatory style; some men, before speaking, will wave their +hands as if commanding silence, and, having succeeded in obtaining the +attention of the company, will speak in a tone, and style, perfectly +suitable for the theatre or lecture room, but entirely out of place in a +parlor. Such men entirely defeat the object of society, for they resent +interruption, and, as their talk flows in a constant stream, no one else +can speak without interrupting the pompous idiot who thus endeavors to +engross the entire attention of the circle around him. + +This character will be met with constantly, and generally joins to the +other disagreeable traits an egotism as tiresome as it is ill-bred. + +The wittiest man becomes tedious and ill-bred when he endeavors to +engross entirely the attention of the company in which he should take a +more modest part. + +Avoid set phrases, and use quotations but rarely. They sometimes make a +very piquant addition to conversation, but when they become a constant +habit, they are exceedingly tedious, and in bad taste. + +Avoid pedantry; it is a mark, not of intelligence, but stupidity. + +Speak your own language correctly; at the same time do not be too great +a stickler for formal correctness of phrases. + +Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. To notice by word +or look such errors in those around you, is excessively ill-bred. + +Vulgar language and slang, though in common, unfortunately too common +use, are unbecoming in any one who pretends to be a gentleman. Many of +the words heard now in the parlor and drawing-room, derive their origin +from sources which a gentleman would hesitate to mention before ladies, +yet he will make daily use of the offensive word or phrase. + +If you are a professional or scientific man, avoid the use of technical +terms. They are in bad taste, because many will not understand them. If, +however, you unconsciously use such a term or phrase, do not then commit +the still greater error of explaining its meaning. No one will thank you +for thus implying their ignorance. + +In conversing with a foreigner who speaks imperfect English, listen with +strict attention, yet do not supply a word, or phrase, if he hesitates. +Above all, do not by a word or gesture show impatience if he makes +pauses or blunders. If you understand his language, say so when you +first speak to him; this is not making a display of your own knowledge, +but is a kindness, as a foreigner will be pleased to hear and speak his +own language when in a strange country. + +Be careful in society never to play the part of buffoon, for you will +soon become known as the “funny” man of the party, and no character is +so perilous to your dignity as a gentleman. You lay yourself open to +both censure and ridicule, and you may feel sure that, for every person +who laughs with you, two are laughing at you, and for one who admires +you, two will watch your antics with secret contempt. + +Avoid boasting. To speak of your money, connections, or the luxuries at +your command is in very bad taste. It is quite as ill-bred to boast of +your intimacy with distinguished people. If their names occur naturally +in the course of conversation, it is very well; but to be constantly +quoting, “my friend, Gov. C----,” or “my intimate friend, the +president,” is pompous and in bad taste. + +While refusing the part of jester yourself, do not, by stiff manners, or +cold, contemptuous looks, endeavor to check the innocent mirth of +others. It is in excessively bad taste to drag in a grave subject of +conversation when pleasant, bantering talk is going on around you. Join +in pleasantly and forget your graver thoughts for the time, and you will +win more popularity than if you chill the merry circle or turn their +innocent gayety to grave discussions. + +When thrown into the society of literary people, do not question them +about their works. To speak in terms of admiration of any work to the +author is in bad taste; but you may give pleasure, if, by a quotation +from their writings, or a happy reference to them, you prove that you +have read and appreciated them. + +It is extremely rude and pedantic, when engaged in general conversation, +to make quotations in a foreign language. + +To use phrases which admit of a double meaning, is ungentlemanly, and, +if addressed to a lady, they become positively insulting. + +If you find you are becoming angry in a conversation, either turn to +another subject or keep silence. You may utter, in the heat of passion, +words which you would never use in a calmer moment, and which you would +bitterly repent when they were once said. + +“Never talk of ropes to a man whose father was hanged” is a vulgar but +popular proverb. Avoid carefully subjects which may be construed into +personalities, and keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, if +you can, seeing the skeleton in your friend’s closet, but if it is +paraded for your special benefit, regard it as a sacred confidence, and +never betray your knowledge to a third party. + +If you have traveled, although you will endeavor to improve your mind in +such travel, do not be constantly speaking of your journeyings. Nothing +is more tiresome than a man who commences every phrase with, “When I was +in Paris,” or, “In Italy I saw----.” + +When asking questions about persons who are not known to you, in a +drawing-room, avoid using adjectives; or you may enquire of a mother, +“Who is that awkward, ugly girl?” and be answered, “Sir, that is my +daughter.” + +Avoid gossip; in a woman it is detestable, but in a man it is utterly +despicable. + +Do not officiously offer assistance or advice in general society. Nobody +will thank you for it. + +Ridicule and practical joking are both marks of a vulgar mind and low +breeding. + +Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible in conversation, +but flattery is broad, coarse, and to sensible people, disgusting. If +you flatter your superiors, they will distrust you, thinking you have +some selfish end; if you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking +you have no other conversation. + +A lady of sense will feel more complimented if you converse with her +upon instructive, high subjects, than if you address to her only the +language of compliment. In the latter case she will conclude that you +consider her incapable of discussing higher subjects, and you cannot +expect her to be pleased at being considered merely a silly, vain +person, who must be flattered into good humor. + +Avoid the evil of giving utterance to inflated expressions and remarks +in common conversation. + +It is a somewhat ungrateful task to tell those who would shrink from the +imputation of a falsehood that they are in the daily habit of uttering +untruths; and yet, if I proceed, no other course than this can be taken +by me. It is of no use to adopt half measures; plain speaking saves a +deal of trouble. + +The examples about to be given by me of exaggerated expressions, are +only a few of the many that are constantly in use. Whether you can +acquit yourselves of the charge of occasionally using them, I cannot +tell; but I dare not affirm for myself that I am altogether guiltless. + +“I was caught in the wet last night, the rain came down in torrents.” +Most of us have been out in heavy rains; but a torrent of water pouring +down from the skies would a little surprise us, after all. + +“I am wet to the skin, and have not a dry thread upon me.” Where these +expressions are once used correctly, they are used twenty times in +opposition to the truth. + +“I tried to overtake him, but in vain; for he ran like lightning.” The +celebrated racehorse Eclipse is said to have run a mile in a minute, but +poor Eclipse is left sadly behind by this expression. + +“He kept me standing out in the cold so long, I thought I should have +waited for ever.” There is not a particle of probability that such a +thought could have been for one moment entertained. + +“As I came across the common, the wind was as keen as a razor.” This is +certainly a very keen remark, but the worst of it is that its keenness +far exceeds its correctness. + +“I went to the meeting, but had hard work to get in; for the place was +crowded to suffocation.” In this case, in justice to the veracity of the +relater, it is necessary to suppose that successful means had been used +for his recovery. + +“It must have been a fine sight; I would have given the world to have +seen it.” Fond as most of us are of sight-seeing, this would be buying +pleasure at a dear price indeed; but it is an easy thing to proffer to +part with that which we do not possess. + +“It made me quite low spirited; my heart felt as heavy as lead.” We most +of us know what a heavy heart is; but lead is by no means the most +correct metaphor to use in speaking of a heavy heart. + +“I could hardly find my way, for the night was as dark as pitch.” I am +afraid we have all in our turn calumniated the sky in this manner; pitch +is many shades darker than the darkest night we have ever known. + +“I have told him of that fault fifty times over.” Five times would, in +all probability, be much nearer the fact than fifty. + +“I never closed my eyes all night long.” If this be true, you acted +unwisely; for had you closed your eyes, you might, perhaps, have fallen +asleep, and enjoyed the blessing of refreshing slumber; if it be not +true, you acted more unwisely still, by stating that as a fact which is +altogether untrue. + +“He is as tall as a church-spire.” I have met with some tall fellows in +my time, though the spire of a church is somewhat taller than the +tallest of them. + +“You may buy a fish at the market as big as a jackass, for five +shillings.” I certainly have my doubts about this matter; but if it be +really true, the market people must be jackasses indeed to sell such +large fishes for so little money. + +“He was so fat he could hardly come in at the door.” Most likely the +difficulty here alluded to was never felt by any one but the relater; +supposing it to be otherwise, the man must have been very broad or the +door very narrow. + +“You don’t say so!--why, it was enough to kill him!” The fact that it +did not kill him is a sufficient reply to this unfounded observation; +but no remark can be too absurd for an unbridled tongue. + +Thus might I run on for an hour, and after all leave much unsaid on the +subject of exaggerated expressions. We are hearing continually the +comparisons, “black as soot, white as snow, hot as fire, cold as ice, +sharp as a needle, dull as a door-nail, light as a feather, heavy as +lead, stiff as a poker, and crooked as a crab-tree,” in cases where such +expressions are quite out of order. + +The practice of expressing ourselves in this inflated and thoughtless +way, is more mischievous than we are aware of. It certainly leads us to +sacrifice truth; to misrepresent what we mean faithfully to describe; to +whiten our own characters, and sometimes to blacken the reputation of a +neighbor. There is an uprightness in speech as well as in action, that +we ought to strive hard to attain. The purity of truth is sullied, and +the standard of integrity is lowered, by incorrect observations. Let us +reflect upon this matter freely and faithfully. Let us love truth, +follow truth, and practice truth in our thoughts, our words, and our +deeds. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +POLITENESS. + + +Real politeness is the outward expression of the most generous impulses +of the heart. It enforces unselfishness, benevolence, kindness, and the +golden rule, “Do unto others as you would others should do unto you.” +Thus its first principle is love for the neighbor, loving him as +yourself. + +When in society it would often be exceedingly difficult to decide how to +treat those who are personally disagreeable to us, if it were not for +the rules of politeness, and the little formalities and points of +etiquette which these rules enforce. These evidences of polite breeding +do not prove hypocrisy, as you may treat your most bitter enemy with +perfect courtesy, and yet make no protestations of friendship. + +If politeness is but a mask, as many philosophers tell us, it is a mask +which will win love and admiration, and is better worn than cast aside. +If you wear it with the sincere desire to give pleasure to others, and +make all the little meetings of life pass off smoothly and agreeably, it +will soon cease to be a mask, but you will find that the manner which +you at first put on to give pleasure, has become natural to you, and +wherever you have assumed a virtue to please others, you will find the +virtue becoming habitual and finally natural, and part of yourself. + +Do not look upon the rules of etiquette as deceptions. They are just as +often vehicles for the expression of sincere feeling, as they are the +mask to conceal a want of it. + +You will in society meet with men who rail against politeness, and call +it deceit and hypocrisy. Watch these men when they have an object to +gain, or are desirous of making a favorable impression, and see them +tacitly, but unconsciously, admit the power of courtesy, by dropping for +the time, their uncouth ways, to affect the politeness, they oftentimes +do not feel. + +Pass over the defects of others, be prudent, discreet, at the proper +time reserved, yet at other times frank, and treat others with the same +gentle courtesy you would wish extended to yourself. + +True politeness never embarrasses any one, because its first object is +to put all at their ease, while it leaves to all perfect freedom of +action. You must meet rudeness from others by perfect politeness and +polish of manner on your own part, and you will thus shame those who +have been uncivil to you. You will more readily make them blush by your +courtesy, than if you met their rudeness by ill manners on your own +part. + +While a favor may be doubled in value, by a frankly courteous manner of +granting it, a refusal will lose half its bitterness if your manner +shows polite regret at your inability to oblige him who asks the favor +at your hand. + +Politeness may be extended to the lowest and meanest, and you will +never by thus extending it detract from your own dignity. A _gentleman_ +may and will treat his washerwoman with respect and courtesy, and his +boot-black with pleasant affability, yet preserve perfectly his own +position. To really merit the name of a polite, finished gentleman, you +must be polite at all times and under all circumstances. + +There is a difference between politeness and etiquette. Real politeness +is in-born, and may exist in the savage, while etiquette is the outward +expression of politeness reduced to the rules current in good society. + +A man may be polite, really so in heart, yet show in every movement an +ignorance of the rules of etiquette, and offend against the laws of +society. You may find him with his elbows upon the table, or tilting his +chair in a parlor. You may see him commit every hour gross breaches of +etiquette, yet you will never hear him intentionally utter one word to +wound another, you will see that he habitually endeavors to make others +comfortable, choosing for them the easiest seats, or the daintiest +dishes, and putting self entirely aside to contribute to the pleasure of +all around him. Such a man will learn, by contact with refined society, +that his ignorance of the rules which govern it, make him, at times, +disagreeable, and from the same unselfish motive which prompts him to +make a sacrifice of comfort for the sake of others, he will watch and +learn quickly, almost by instinct, where he offends against good +breeding, drop one by one his errors in etiquette, and become truly a +gentleman. + +On the other hand, you will meet constantly, in the best society, men +whose polish of manner is exquisite, who will perform to the minutest +point the niceties of good breeding, who never commit the least act that +is forbidden by the strictest rules of etiquette; yet under all this +mask of chivalry, gallantry, and politeness will carry a cold, selfish +heart; will, with a sweet smile, graceful bow, and elegant language, +wound deeply the feelings of others, and while passing in society for +models of courtesy and elegance of manner, be in feeling as cruel and +barbarous as the veriest savage. + +So I would say to you, Cultivate your heart. Cherish there the Christian +graces, love for the neighbor, unselfishness, charity, and gentleness, +and you will be truly a gentleman; add to these the graceful forms of +etiquette, and you then become a _perfect_ gentleman. + +Etiquette exists in every corner of the known world, from the savages in +the wilds of Africa, who dare not, upon penalty of death, approach their +barbarous rulers without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most +refined circles of Europe, where gentle chivalry and a cultivated mind +suggest its rules. It has existed in all ages, and the stringency of its +laws in some countries has given rise to both ludicrous and tragic +incidents. + +In countries where royalty rules the etiquette, it often happens that +pride will blind those who make the rules, and the results are often +fatal. Believing that the same deference which their rank authorized +them to demand, was also due to them as individuals, the result of such +an idea was an etiquette as vain and useless as it was absurd. + +For an example I will give an anecdote: + +“The kings of Spain, the proudest and vainest of all kings of the +earth, made a rule of etiquette as stupid as it was useless. It was a +fault punishable by death to touch the foot of the queen, and the +individual who thus offended, no matter under what circumstances, was +executed immediately. + +“A young queen of Spain, wife of Charles the Second, was riding on +horseback in the midst of her attendants. Suddenly the horse reared and +threw the queen from the saddle. Her foot remained in the stirrup, and +she was dragged along the ground. An immense crowd stood looking at this +spectacle, but no one dared, for his life, to attempt to rescue the poor +woman. She would have died, had not two young French officers, ignorant +of the stupid law which paralyzed the Spaniards, sprung forward and +saved her. One stopped the horse, and whilst he held the bridle, his +companion disengaged from its painful position the foot of the young +queen, who was, by this time, insensible from fear and the bruises which +she had already received. They were instantly arrested, and while the +queen was carried on a litter to the palace, her young champions were +marched off, accompanied by a strong guard, to prison. The next day, +sick and feeble, the queen was obliged to leave her bed, and on her +knees before the king, plead for the pardon of the two Frenchmen; and +her prayer was only granted upon condition that the audacious foreigners +left Spain immediately.” + +There is no country in the world where the absurdities of etiquette are +carried to so great a length as in Spain, because there is no nation +where the nobility are so proud. The following anecdote, which +illustrates this, would seem incredible were it not a historical fact: + +“Philip the Third, king of Spain, was sick, and being able to sit up, +was carefully placed in an arm chair which stood opposite to a large +fire, when the wood was piled up to an enormous height. The heat soon +became intolerable, and the courtiers retired from around the king; but, +as the Duke D’Ussede, the fire stirrer for the king, was not present, +and as no one else had the right to touch the fire, those present dared +not attempt to diminish the heat. The grand chamberlain was also absent, +and he alone was authorized to touch the king’s footstool. The poor +king, too ill to rise, in vain implored those around him to move his +chair, no one dared touch it, and when the grand chamberlain arrived, +the king had fainted with the heat, and a few days later he died, +literally roasted to death.” + +At almost all times, and in almost all places, good breeding may be +shown; and we think a good service will be done by pointing out a few +plain and simple instances in which it stands opposed to habits and +manners, which, though improper and disagreeable, are not very uncommon. + +In the familiar intercourse of society, a well-bred _man_ will be known +by the delicacy and deference with which he behaves towards females. +That man would deservedly be looked upon as very deficient in proper +respect and feeling, who should take any physical advantage of one of +the weaker sex, or offer any personal slight towards her. Woman looks, +and properly looks, for protection to man. It is the province of the +husband to shield the wife from injury; of the father to protect the +daughter; the brother has the same duty to perform towards the sister; +and, in general, every man should, in this sense, be the champion and +the lover of every woman. Not only should he be ready to protect, but +desirous to please, and willing to sacrifice much of his own personal +ease and comfort, if, by doing so, he can increase those of any female +in whose company he may find himself. Putting these principles into +practice, a well-bred man, in his own house, will be kind and respectful +in his behaviour to every female of the family. He will not use towards +them harsh language, even if called upon to express dissatisfaction with +their conduct. In conversation, he will abstain from every allusion +which would put modesty to the blush. He will, as much as in his power, +lighten their labors by cheerful and voluntary assistance. He will yield +to them every little advantage which may occur in the regular routine of +domestic life:--the most comfortable seat, if there be a difference; the +warmest position by the winter’s fireside; the nicest slice from the +family joint, and so on. + +In a public assembly of any kind, a well-bred man will pay regard to the +feelings and wishes of the females by whom he is surrounded. He will not +secure the best seat for himself, and leave the women folk to take care +of themselves. He will not be seated at all, if the meeting be crowded, +and a single female appear unaccommodated. + +Good breeding will keep a person from making loud and startling noises, +from pushing past another in entering or going out of a room; from +ostentatiously using a pocket-handkerchief; from hawking and spitting +in company; from fidgeting any part of the body; from scratching the +head, or picking the teeth with fork or with finger. In short, it will +direct all who study its rules to abstain from every personal act which +may give pain or offence to another’s feelings. At the same time, it +will enable them to bear much without taking offence. It will teach them +when to speak and when to be silent, and how to behave with due respect +to all. By attention to the rules of good breeding, and more especially +to its leading principles, “the poorest man will be entitled to the +character of a gentleman, and by inattention to them, the most wealthy +person will be essentially vulgar. Vulgarity signifies coarseness or +indelicacy of manner, and is not necessarily associated with poverty or +lowliness of condition. Thus an operative artizan may be a gentleman, +and worthy of our particular esteem; while an opulent merchant may be +only a vulgar clown, with whom it is impossible to be on terms of +friendly intercourse.” + +The following remarks upon the “Character of a Gentleman” by Brooke are +so admirable that I need make no apology for quoting them entire. He +says; “There is no term, in our language, more common than that of +‘Gentleman;’ and, whenever it is heard, all agree in the general idea of +a man some way elevated above the vulgar. Yet, perhaps, no two living +are precisely agreed respecting the qualities they think requisite for +constituting this character. When we hear the epithets of a ‘fine +Gentleman,’ ‘a pretty Gentleman,’ ‘much of a Gentleman,’ ‘Gentlemanlike,’ +‘something of a Gentleman,’ ‘nothing of a Gentleman,’ and so forth; all +these different appellations must intend a peculiarity annexed to the +ideas of those who express them; though no two of them, as I said, may +agree in the constituent qualities of the character they have formed in +their own mind. There have been ladies who deemed fashionable dress a +very capital ingredient in the composition of--a Gentleman. A certain +easy impudence acquired by low people, by casually being conversant in +high life, has passed a man current through many companies for--a +Gentleman. In taverns and brothels, he who is the most of a bully is the +most of--a Gentleman. And the highwayman, in his manner of taking your +purse, may however be allowed to have--much of the Gentleman. Plato, +among the philosophers, was ‘the most of a man of fashion;’ and therefore +allowed, at the court of Syracuse, to be--the most of a Gentleman. But +seriously, I apprehend that this character is pretty much upon the +modern. In all ancient or dead languages we have no term, any way +adequate, whereby we may express it. In the habits, manners, and +characters of old Sparta and old Rome, we find an antipathy to all the +elements of modern gentility. Among these rude and unpolished people, +you read of philosophers, of orators, of patriots, heroes, and demigods; +but you never hear of any character so elegant as that of--a pretty +Gentleman. + +“When those nations, however, became refined into what their ancestors +would have called corruption; when luxury introduced, and fashion gave a +sanction to certain sciences, which Cynics would have branded with the +ill mannered appellations of drunkenness, gambling, cheating, lying, +&c.; the practitioners assumed the new title of Gentlemen, till such +Gentlemen became as plenteous as stars in the milky-way, and lost +distinction merely by the confluence of their lustre. Wherefore as the +said qualities were found to be of ready acquisition, and of easy +descent to the populace from their betters, ambition judged it necessary +to add further marks and criterions for severing the general herd from +the nobler species--of Gentlemen. + +“Accordingly, if the commonalty were observed to have a propensity to +religion, their superiors affected a disdain of such vulgar prejudices; +and a freedom that cast off the restraints of morality, and a courage +that spurned at the fear of a God, were accounted the distinguishing +characteristics--of a Gentleman. + +“If the populace, as in China, were industrious and ingenious, the +grandees, by the length of their nails and the cramping of their limbs, +gave evidence that true dignity was above labor and utility, and that to +be born to no end was the prerogative--of a Gentleman. + +“If the common sort, by their conduct, declared a respect for the +institutions of civil society and good government; their betters +despised such pusillanimous conformity, and the magistrates paid +becoming regard to the distinction, and allowed of the superior +liberties and privileges--of a Gentleman. + +“If the lower set show a sense of common honesty and common order; those +who would figure in the world, think it incumbent to demonstrate that +complaisance to inferiors, common manners, common equity, or any thing +common, is quite beneath the attention or sphere--of a Gentleman. + +“Now, as underlings are ever ambitious of imitating and usurping the +manners of their superiors; and as this state of mortality is incident +to perpetual change and revolution, it may happen, that when the +populace, by encroaching on the province of gentility, have arrived to +their _ne plus ultra_ of insolence, irreligion, &c.; the gentry, in +order to be again distinguished, may assume the station that their +inferiors had forsaken, and, however ridiculous the supposition may +appear at present, humanity, equity, utility, complaisance, and piety, +may in time come to be the distinguishing characteristics--of a +Gentleman. + +“It appears that the most general idea which people have formed of a +Gentleman, is that of a person of fortune above the vulgar, and +embellished by manners that are fashionable in high life. In this case, +fortune and fashion are the two constituent ingredients in the +composition of modern Gentlemen; for whatever the fashion may be, +whether moral or immoral, for or against reason, right or wrong, it is +equally the duty of a Gentleman to conform. And yet I apprehend, that +true gentility is altogether independent of fortune or fashion, of time, +customs, or opinions of any kind. The very same qualities that +constituted a gentleman, in the first age of the world, are permanently, +invariably, and indispensably necessary to the constitution of the same +character to the end of time. + +“Hector was the finest gentleman of whom we read in history, and Don +Quixote the finest gentleman we read of in romance; as was instanced +from the tenor of their principles and actions. + +“Some time after the battle of Cressy, Edward the Third of England, and +Edward the Black Prince, the more than heir of his father’s renown, +pressed John King of France to indulge them with the pleasure of his +company at London. John was desirous of embracing the invitation, and +accordingly laid the proposal before his parliament at Paris. The +parliament objected, that the invitation had been made with an insidious +design of seizing his person, thereby to make the cheaper and easier +acquisition of the crown, to which Edward at that time pretended. But +John replied, with some warmth, that he was confident his brother +Edward, and more especially his young cousin, were too much of the +GENTLEMAN, to treat him in that manner. He did not say too much of the +king, of the hero, or of the saint, but too much of the GENTLEMAN to be +guilty of any baseness. + +“The sequel verified this opinion. At the battle of Poictiers King John +was made prisoner, and soon after conducted by the Black Prince to +England. The prince entered London in triumph, amid the throng and +acclamations of millions of the people. But then this rather appeared to +be the triumph of the French king than that of his conqueror. John was +seated on a proud steed, royally robed, and attended by a numerous and +gorgeous train of the British nobility; while his conqueror endeavored, +as much as possible, to disappear, and rode by his side in plain attire, +and degradingly seated on a little Irish hobby. + +“As Aristotle and the Critics derived their rules for epic poetry and +the sublime from a poem which Homer had written long before the rules +were formed, or laws established for the purpose: thus, from the +demeanor and innate principles of particular gentlemen, art has borrowed +and instituted the many modes of behaviour, which the world has adopted, +under the title of good manners. + +“One quality of a gentleman is that of charity to the poor; and this is +delicately instanced in the account which Don Quixote gives, to his fast +friend Sancho Pancha, of the valorous but yet more pious knight-errant +Saint Martin. On a day, said the Don, Saint Martin met a poor man half +naked, and taking his cloak from his shoulders, he divided, and gave him +the one half. Now, tell me at what time of the year this happened. Was I +a witness? quoth, Sancho; how the vengeance should I know in what year +or what time of the year it happened? Hadst thou Sancho, rejoined the +knight, anything within thee of the sentiment of Saint Martin, thou must +assuredly have known that this happened in winter; for, had it been +summer, Saint Martin would had given the whole cloak. + +“Another characteristic of the true gentleman, is a delicacy of +behaviour toward that sex whom nature has entitled to the protection, +and consequently entitled to the tenderness, of man. + +“The same gentleman-errant, entering into a wood on a summer’s evening, +found himself entangled among nets of green thread that, here and there, +hung from tree to tree; and conceiving it some matter of purposed +conjuration, pushed valorously forward to break through the enchantment. +Hereupon some beautiful shepherdesses interposed with a cry, and +besought him to spare the implements of their innocent recreation. The +knight, surprised and charmed by the vision, replied,--Fair creatures! +my province is to protect, not to injure; to seek all means of service, +but never of offence, more especially to any of your sex and apparent +excellences. Your pretty nets take up but a small piece of favored +ground; but, did they inclose the world, I would seek out new worlds, +whereby I might win a passage, rather than break them. + +“Two very lovely but shamefaced girls had a cause, of some consequence, +depending at Westminster, that indispensably required their personal +appearance. They were relations of Sir Joseph Jeckel, and, on this +tremendous occasion, requested his company and countenance at the court. +Sir Joseph attended accordingly; and the cause being opened, the judge +demanded whether he was to entitle those ladies by the denomination of +spinsters. ‘No, my Lord,’ said Sir Joseph; ‘they are lilies of the +valley, they toil not, neither do they spin, yet you see that no +monarch, in all his glory, was ever arrayed like one of these.’ + +“Another very peculiar characteristic of a gentleman is, the giving +place and yielding to all with whom he has to do. Of this we have a +shining and affecting instance in Abraham, perhaps the most accomplished +character that may be found in history, whether sacred or profane. A +contention had arisen between the herdsmen of Abraham and the herdsmen +of his nephew, Lot, respecting the propriety of the pasture of the +lands wherein they dwelled, that could now scarce contain the abundance +of their cattle. And those servants, as is universally the case, had +respectively endeavored to kindle and inflame their masters with their +own passions. When Abraham, in consequence of this, perceived that the +countenance of Lot began to change toward him, he called, and generously +expostulated with him as followeth: ‘Let there be no strife, I pray +thee, between me and thee, or between my herdsmen and thy herdsmen; for +we be brethren. If it be thy desire to separate thyself from me, is not +the whole land before thee? If thou wilt take the left hand, then will I +go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to +the left.’ + +“Another capital quality of the true gentleman is, that of feeling +himself concerned and interested in others. Never was there so +benevolent, so affecting, so pathetic a piece of oratory exhibited upon +earth, as that of Abraham’s pleading with God for averting the judgments +that then impended over Sodom. But the matter is already so generally +celebrated, that I am constrained to refer my reader to the passage at +full; since the smallest abridgment must deduct from its beauties, and +that nothing can be added to the excellences thereof. + +“Honor, again, is said, in Scripture, peculiarly to distinguish the +character of a gentleman; where it is written of Sechem, the son of +Hamor, ‘that he was more honorable than all the house of his father.’ + +“From hence it may be inferred, that human excellence, or human +amiableness, doth not so much consist in a freedom from frailty as in +our recovery from lapses, our detestation of our own transgressions, +and our desire of atoning, by all possible means, the injuries we have +done, and the offences we have given. Herein, therefore, may consist the +very singular distinction which the great apostle makes between his +estimation of a just and of a good man. ‘For a just or righteous man,’ +says he, ‘one would grudge to die; but for a good man one would even +dare to die.’ Here the just man is supposed to adhere strictly to the +rule of right or equity, and to exact from others the same measure that +he is satisfied to mete; but the good man, though occasionally he may +fall short of justice, has, properly speaking, no measure to his +benevolence, his general propensity is to give more than the due. The +just man condemns, and is desirous of punishing the transgressors of the +line prescribed to himself; but the good man, in the sense of his own +falls and failings, gives latitude, indulgence, and pardon to others; he +judges, he condemns no one save himself. The just man is a stream that +deviates not to the right or left from its appointed channel, neither is +swelled by the flood of passion above its banks; but the heart of the +good man, the man of honor, the gentleman, is as a lamp lighted by the +breath of GOD, and none save GOD himself can set limits to the efflux or +irradiations thereof. + +“Again, the gentleman never envies any superior excellence, but grows +himself more excellent, by being the admirer, promoter, and lover +thereof. Saul said to his son Jonathan, ‘Thou son of the perverse, +rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse +to thine own confusion? For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the +ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom; wherefore send +and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.’ Here every interesting +motive that can possibly be conceived to have an influence on man, +united to urge Jonathan to the destruction of David; he would thereby +have obeyed his king, and pacified a father who was enraged against him. +He would thereby have removed the only luminary that then eclipsed the +brightness of his own achievements. And he saw, as his father said, that +the death of David alone could establish the kingdom in himself and his +posterity. But all those considerations were of no avail to make +Jonathan swerve from honor, to slacken the bands of his faith, or cool +the warmth of his friendship. O Jonathan! the sacrifice which thou then +madest to virtue, was incomparably more illustrious in the sight of God +and his angels than all the subsequent glories to which David attained. +What a crown was thine, ‘Jonathan, when thou wast slain in thy high +places!’ + +“Saul of Tarsus had been a man of bigotry, blood, and violence; making +havoc, and breathing out threatenings and slaughter, against all who +were not of his own sect and persuasion. But, when the spirit of that +INFANT, who laid himself in the manger of human flesh, came upon him, he +acquired a new heart and a new nature; and he offered himself a willing +subject to all the sufferings and persecutions which he had brought upon +others. + +“Saul from that time, exemplified in his own person, all those qualities +of the gentleman, which he afterwards specifies in his celebrated +description of that charity, which, as he says, alone endureth forever. +When Festus cried with a loud voice, ‘Paul, thou art beside thyself, +much learning doth make thee mad;’ Paul stretched the hand, and +answered, ‘I am not mad, most noble Festus, but speak forth the words of +truth and soberness. For the king knoweth of these things, before whom +also I speak freely; for I am persuaded that none of these things are +hidden from him. King Agrippa, believest thou the prophets? I know that +thou believest.’ Then Agrippa said unto Paul, ‘Almost thou persuadest me +to be a Christian.’ And Paul said, ‘I would to God that not only thou, +but also all that hear me this day, were not only almost but altogether +such as I am,--except these bonds.’ Here, with what an inimitable +elegance did this man, in his own person, at once sum up the orator, the +saint, and the gentleman! + +“From these instances, my friend, you must have seen that the character, +or rather quality of a GENTLEMAN, does not, in any degree, depend on +fashion or mode, on station or opinion; neither changes with customs, +climate, or ages. But, as the Spirit of God can alone inspire it into +man, so it is, as God is the same, yesterday, to-day, and forever.” + +In concluding this chapter I would say: + +“In the common actions and transactions of life, there is a wide +distinction between the well-bred and the ill-bred. If a person of the +latter sort be in a superior condition in life, his conduct towards +those below him, or dependent upon him, is marked by haughtiness, or by +unmannerly condescension. In the company of his equals in station and +circumstances, an ill-bred man is either captious and quarrelsome, or +offensively familiar. He does not consider that: + + ‘The man who hails you Tom or Jack, + And proves, by thumps upon your back, + How he esteems your merit, + Is such a friend, that one had need + Be very much a friend indeed, + To pardon or to bear it.’ + +“And if a man void of good breeding have to transact business with a +superior in wealth or situation, it is more than likely that he will be +needlessly humble, unintentionally insolent, or, at any rate, miserably +embarrassed. On the contrary, a well-bred person will instinctively +avoid all these errors. ‘To inferiors, he will speak kindly and +considerately, so as to relieve them from any feeling of being beneath +him in circumstances. To equals, he will be plain, unaffected, and +courteous. To superiors, he will know how to show becoming respect, +without descending to subserviency or meanness. In short, he will act a +manly, inoffensive, and agreeable part, in all the situations in life in +which he may be placed.’” + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +TABLE ETIQUETTE. + + +It may seem a very simple thing to eat your meals, yet there is no +occasion upon which the gentleman, and the low-bred, vulgar man are more +strongly contrasted, than when at the table. The rules I shall give for +table etiquette when in company will apply equally well for the home +circle, with the exception of some few points, readily discernible, +which may be omitted at your own table. + +A well-bred man, receiving an invitation to dine with a friend should +reply to it immediately, whether he accepts or declines it. + +He should be punctual to the hour named in the invitation, five or ten +minutes earlier if convenient, but not one instant later. He must never, +unless he has previously asked permission to do so, take with him any +friend not named in his invitation. His host and hostess have the +privilege of inviting whom they will, and it is an impertinence to force +them to extend their hospitality, as they must do if you introduce a +friend at their own house. + +Speak, on entering the parlor of your friend, first to the hostess, then +to the host. + +When dinner is announced, the host or hostess will give the signal for +leaving the drawing-room, and you will probably be requested to escort +one of the ladies to the table. Offer to her your left arm, and at the +table wait until she is seated, indeed wait until every lady is seated, +before taking your own place. + +In leaving the parlor you will pass out first, and the lady will follow +you, still holding your arm. At the door of the dining-room, the lady +will drop your arm. Pass in, then wait on one side of the entrance till +she passes you, to her place at the table. + +If there are no ladies, you may go to the table with any gentleman who +stands near you, or with whom you may be conversing when dinner is +announced. If your companion is older than yourself, extend to him the +same courtesy which you would use towards a lady. + +There are a thousand little points to be observed in your conduct at +table which, while they are not absolutely necessary, are yet +distinctive marks of a well-bred man. + +If, when at home, you practice habitually the courtesies of the table, +they will sit upon you easily when abroad; but if you neglect them at +home, you will use them awkwardly when in company, and you will find +yourself recognized as a man who has “company manners,” only when +abroad. + +I have seen men who eat soup, or chewed their food, in so noisy a manner +as to be heard from one end of the table to the other; fill their mouths +so full of food, as to threaten suffocation or choking; use their own +knife for the butter, and salt; put their fingers in the sugar bowl; and +commit other faults quite as monstrous, yet seem perfectly unconscious +that they were doing anything to attract attention. + +Try to sit easily and gracefully, but at the same time avoid crowding +those beside you. + +Far from eating with avidity of whatever delicacies which may be upon +the table, and which are often served in small quantities, partake of +them but sparingly, and decline them when offered the second time. + +Many men at their own table have little peculiar notions, which a guest +does well to respect. Some will feel hurt, even offended, if you decline +a dish which they recommend; while others expect you to eat enormously, +as if they feared you did not appreciate their hospitality unless you +tasted of every dish upon the table. Try to pay respect to such whims at +the table of others, but avoid having any such notions when presiding +over your own board. + +Observe a strict sobriety; never drink of more than one kind of wine, +and partake of that sparingly. + +The style of serving dinner is different at different houses; if there +are many servants they will bring you your plate filled, and you must +keep it. If you have the care of a lady, see that she has what she +desires, before you give your own order to the waiter; but if there are +but few domestics, and the dishes are upon the table, you may with +perfect propriety help those near you, from any dish within your reach. + +If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, especially if you +have chosen the food upon it, for others have also a choice, and by +passing it, you may give your neighbor dishes distasteful to him, and +take yourself those which he would much prefer. + +If in the leaves of your salad, or in a plate of fruit you find a worm +or insect, pass your plate to the waiter, without any comment, and he +will bring you another. + +Be careful to avoid the extremes of gluttony or over daintiness at +table. To eat enormously is disgusting; but if you eat too sparingly, +your host may think that you despise his fare. + +Watch that the lady whom you escorted to the table is well helped. Lift +and change her plate for her, pass her bread, salt, and butter, give her +orders to the waiter, and pay her every attention in your power. + +Before taking your place at table, wait until your place is pointed out +to you, unless there are cards bearing the names of the guests upon the +plates; in the latter case, take the place thus marked for you. + +Put your napkin upon your lap, covering your knees. It is out of date, +and now looked upon as a vulgar habit to put your napkin up over your +breast. + +Sit neither too near nor too far from the table. Never hitch up your +coat-sleeves or wristbands as if you were going to wash your hands. Some +men do this habitually, but it is a sign of very bad breeding. + +Never tip your chair, or lounge back in it during dinner. + +All gesticulations are out of place, and in bad taste at the table. +Avoid making them. + +Converse in a low tone to your neighbor, yet not with any air of secresy +if others are engaged in _tête-à-tête_ conversation; if, however, the +conversation is general, avoid conversing _tête-à-tête_. Do not raise +your voice too much; if you cannot make those at some distance from you +hear you when speaking in a moderate tone, confine your remarks to those +near you. + +If you wish for a knife, plate, or anything from the side table, never +address those in attendance as “Waiter!” as you would at a hotel or +_restaurant_, but call one of them by name; if you cannot do this, make +him a sign without speaking. + +Unless you are requested to do so, never select any particular part of a +dish; but, if your host asks you what part you prefer, name some part, +as in this case the incivility would consist in making your host choose +as well as carve for you. + +Never blow your soup if it is too hot, but wait until it cools. Never +raise your plate to your lips, but eat with your spoon. + +Never touch either your knife or your fork until after you have finished +eating your soup. Leave your spoon in your soup plate, that the servant +may remove them both. Never take soup twice. + +In changing your plate, or passing it during dinner, remove your knife +and fork, that the plate _alone_ may be taken, but after you have +finished your dinner, cross the knife and fork on the plate, that the +servant may take all away, before bringing you clean ones for dessert. + +Do not bite your bread from the roll or slice, nor cut it with your +knife; break off small pieces and put these in your mouth with your +fingers. + +At dinner do not put butter on your bread. Never dip a piece of bread +into the gravy or preserves upon your plate and then bite it, but if +you wish to eat them together, break the bread into small pieces, and +carry these to your mouth with your fork. + +Use always the salt-spoon, sugar-tongs, and butter knife; to use your +own knife, spoon, or fingers, evinces a shocking want of good-breeding. + +Never criticize any dish before you. + +If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no remarks about +it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain at a table how one article +makes you sick, or why some other dish has become distasteful to you. I +have seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, +because one of the company told a most disgusting anecdote about finding +vermin served in a similar dish. No wit in the narration can excuse so +palpably an error of politeness. + +Never put bones, or the seeds of fruit upon the tablecloth. Put them +upon the edge of your plate. + +Never use your knife for any purpose but to _cut_ your food. It is not +meant to be put in your mouth. Your fork is intended to carry the food +from your plate to your mouth, and no gentleman ever eats with his +knife. + +If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too well-done, do not +eat it; give for an excuse that you prefer some other dish before you; +but never tell your host that his cook has made the dish uneatable. + +Never speak when you have anything in your mouth. Never pile the food on +your plate as if you were starving, but take a little at a time; the +dishes will not run away. + +Never use your own knife and fork to help either yourself or others. +There is always one before the dish at every well-served table, and you +should use that. + +It is a good plan to accustom yourself to using your fork with the left +hand, when eating, as you thus avoid the awkwardness of constantly +passing the fork from your left hand to your right, and back again, when +cutting your food and eating it. + +Never put fruit or bon-bons in your pocket to carry them from the table. + +Do not cut fruit with a steel knife. Use a silver one. + +Never eat so fast as to hurry the others at the table, nor so slowly as +to keep them waiting. + +If you do not take wine, never keep the bottle standing before you, but +pass it on. If you do take it, pass it on as soon as you have filled +your glass. + +If you wish to remove a fish bone or fruit seed from your mouth, cover +your lips with your hand or napkin, that others may not see you remove +it. + +If you wish to use your handkerchief, and have not time to leave the +table, turn your head away, and as quickly as possible put the +handkerchief in your pocket again. + +Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing is more ill-bred than +to grease your glass with your lips. + +If you are invited to drink with a friend, and do not drink wine, bow, +raise your glass of water and drink with him. + +Do not propose to take wine with your host; it is his privilege to +invite you. + +Do not put your glass upside down on the table to signify that you do +not wish to drink any more; it is sufficient to refuse firmly. Do not be +persuaded to touch another drop of wine after your own prudence warns +you that you have taken enough. + +Avoid any air of mystery when speaking to those next you; it is ill-bred +and in excessively bad taste. + +If you wish to speak of any one, or to any one at the table, call them +by name, but never point or make a signal when at table. + +When taking coffee, never pour it into your saucer, but let it cool in +the cup, and drink from that. + +If at a gentleman’s party, never ask any one to sing or tell a story; +your host alone has the right thus to call upon his guests. + +If invited yourself to sing, and you feel sufficiently sure that you +will give pleasure, comply immediately with the request. + +If, however, you refuse, remain firm in your refusal, as to yield after +once refusing is a breach of etiquette. + +When the finger-glasses are passed, dip your fingers into them and then +wipe them upon your napkin. + +Never leave the table till the mistress of the house gives the signal. + +On leaving the table put your napkin on the table, but do not fold it. + +Offer your arm to the lady whom you escorted to the table. + +It is excessively rude to leave the house as soon as dinner is over. +Respect to your hostess obliges you to stay in the drawing-room at least +an hour. + +If the ladies withdraw, leaving the gentlemen, after dinner, rise when +they leave the table, and remain standing until they have left the room. + +I give, from a recent English work, some humorously written directions +for table etiquette, and, although they are some of them repetitions of +what I have already given, they will be found to contain many useful +hints: + +“We now come to habits at table, which are very important. However +agreeable a man may be in society, if he offends or disgusts by his +table traits, he will soon be scouted from it, and justly so. There are +some broad rules for behavior at table. Whenever there is a servant to +help you, never help yourself. Never put a knife into your mouth, not +even with cheese, which should be eaten with a fork. Never use a spoon +for anything but liquids. Never touch anything edible with your fingers. + +“Forks were, undoubtedly, a later invention than fingers, but, as we are +not cannibals, I am inclined to think they were a good one. There are +some few things which you may take up with your fingers. Thus an epicure +will eat even macaroni with his fingers; and as sucking asparagus is +more pleasant than chewing it, you may, as an epicure, take it up _au +naturel_. But both these things are generally eaten with a fork. Bread +is, of course, eaten with the fingers, and it would be absurd to carve +it with your knife and fork. It must, on the contrary, always be broken +when not buttered, and you should never put a slice of dry bread to your +mouth to bite a piece off. Most fresh fruit, too, is eaten with the +natural prongs, but when you have peeled an orange or apple, you should +cut it with the aid of the fork, unless you can succeed in breaking it. +Apropos of which, I may hint that no epicure ever yet put a knife to an +apple, and that an orange should be peeled with a spoon. But the art of +peeling an orange so as to hold its own juice, and its own sugar too, is +one that can scarcely be taught in a book. + +“However, let us go to dinner, and I will soon tell you whether you are +a well-bred man or not; and here let me premise that what is good +manners for a small dinner is good manners for a large one, and _vice +versâ_. Now, the first thing you do is to sit down. Stop, sir! pray do +not cram yourself into the table in that way; no, nor sit a yard from +it, like that. How graceless, inconvenient, and in the way of +conversation! Why, dear me! you are positively putting your elbows on +the table, and now you have got your hands fumbling about with the +spoons and forks, and now you are nearly knocking my new hock glasses +over. Can’t you take your hands down, sir? Didn’t you learn that in the +nursery? Didn’t your mamma say to you, ‘Never put your hands above the +table except to carve or eat?’ Oh! but come, no nonsense, sit up, if you +please. I can’t have your fine head of hair forming a side dish on my +table; you must not bury your face in the plate, you came to show it, +and it ought to be alive. Well, but there is no occasion to throw your +head back like that, you look like an alderman, sir, _after_ dinner. +Pray, don’t lounge in that sleepy way. You are here to eat, drink, and +be merry. You can sleep when you get home. + +“Well, then, I suppose you can see your napkin. Got none, indeed! Very +likely, in _my_ house. You may be sure that I never sit down to a meal +without napkins. I don’t want to make my tablecloths unfit for use, and +I don’t want to make my trousers unwearable. Well, now, we are all +seated, you can unfold it on your knees; no, no; don’t tuck it into your +waistcoat like an alderman; and what! what on earth do you mean by +wiping your forehead with it? Do you take it for a towel? Well, never +mind, I am consoled that you did not go farther, and use it as a +pocket-handkerchief. So talk away to the lady on your right, and wait +till soup is handed to you. By the way, that waiting is the most +important part of table manners, and, as much as possible, you should +avoid asking for anything or helping yourself from the table. Your soup +you eat with a spoon--I don’t know what else you _could_ eat it +with--but then it must be one of good size. Yes, that will do, but I beg +you will not make that odious noise in drinking your soup. It is louder +than a dog lapping water, and a cat would be quite genteel to it. Then +you need not scrape up the plate in that way, nor even tilt it to get +the last drop. I shall be happy to send you some more; but I must just +remark, that it is not the custom to take two helpings of soup, and it +is liable to keep other people waiting, which, once for all, is a +selfish and intolerable habit. But don’t you hear the servant offering +you sherry? I wish you would attend, for my servants have quite enough +to do, and can’t wait all the evening while you finish that very mild +story to Miss Goggles. Come, leave that decanter alone. I had the wine +put on the table to fill up; the servants will hand it directly, or, as +we are a small party, I will tell you to help yourself; but, pray, do +not be so officious. (There, I have sent him some turbot to keep him +quiet. I declare he cannot make up his mind.) You are keeping my servant +again, sir. Will you, or will you not, do turbot? Don’t examine it in +that way; it is quite fresh, I assure you; take or decline it. Ah, you +take it, but that is no reason why you should take up a knife too. Fish, +I repeat must never be touched with a knife. Take a fork in the right +and a small piece of bread in the left hand. Good, but--? Oh! that is +atrocious; of course you must not swallow the bones, but you should +rather do so than spit them out in that way. Put up your napkin like +this, and land the said bone on your plate. Don’t rub your head in the +sauce, my good man, nor go progging about after the shrimps or oysters +therein. Oh! how horrid! I declare your mouth was wide open and full of +fish. Small pieces, I beseech you; and once for all, whatever you eat, +keep your mouth _shut_, and never attempt to talk with it full. + +“So now you have got a pâté. Surely you are not taking two on your +plate. There is plenty of dinner to come, and one is quite enough. Oh! +dear me, you are incorrigible. What! a knife to cut that light, brittle +pastry? No, nor fingers, never. Nor a spoon--almost as bad. Take your +fork, sir, your fork; and, now you have eaten, oblige me by wiping your +mouth and moustache with your napkin, for there is a bit of the pastry +hanging to the latter, and looking very disagreeable. Well, you can +refuse a dish if you like. There is no positive necessity for you to +take venison if you don’t want it. But, at any rate, do not be in that +terrific hurry. You are not going off by the next train. Wait for the +sauce and wait for vegetables; but whether you eat them or not, do not +begin before everybody else. Surely you must take my table for that of a +railway refreshment-room, for you have finished before the person I +helped first. Fast eating is bad for the digestion, my good sir, and not +very good manners either. What! are you trying to eat meat with a fork +alone? Oh! it is sweetbread, I beg your pardon, you are quite right. Let +me give you a rule,--Everything that can be cut without a knife, should +be cut with a fork alone. Eat your vegetables, therefore, with a fork. +No, there is no necessity to take a spoon for peas; a fork in the right +hand will do. What! did I really see you put your knife into your mouth? +Then I must give you up. Once for all, and ever, the knife is to cut, +not to help with. Pray, do not munch in that noisy manner; chew your +food well, but softly. _Eat slowly._ Have you not heard that Napoleon +lost the battle of Leipsic by eating too fast? It is a fact though. His +haste caused indigestion, which made him incapable of attending to the +details of the battle. You see you are the last person eating at table. +Sir, I will not allow you to speak to my servants in that way. If they +are so remiss as to oblige you to ask for anything, do it gently, and in +a low tone, and thank a servant just as much as you would his master. +Ten to one he is as good a man; and because he is your inferior in +position, is the very reason you should treat him courteously. Oh! it is +of no use to ask me to take wine; far from pacifying me, it will only +make me more angry, for I tell you the custom is quite gone out, except +in a few country villages, and at a mess-table. Nor need you ask the +lady to do so. However, there is this consolation, if you should ask any +one to take wine with you, he or she _cannot_ refuse, so you have your +own way. Perhaps next you will be asking me to hob and nob, or +_trinquer_ in the French fashion with arms encircled. Ah! you don’t +know, perhaps, that when a lady _trinques_ in that way with you, you +have a right to finish off with a kiss. Very likely, indeed! But it is +the custom in familiar circles in France, but then we are not Frenchmen. +_Will_ you attend to your lady, sir? You did not come merely to eat, but +to make yourself agreeable. Don’t sit as glum as the Memnon at Thebes; +talk and be pleasant. Now, you have some pudding. No knife--no, _no_. A +spoon if you like, but better still, a fork. Yes, ice requires a spoon; +there is a small one handed you, take that. + +“Say ‘no.’ This is the fourth time wine has been handed to you, and I am +sure you have had enough. Decline this time if you please. Decline that +dish too. Are you going to eat of everything that is handed? I pity you +if you do. No, you must not ask for more cheese, and you must eat it +with your fork. Break the rusk with your fingers. Good. You are drinking +a glass of old port. Do not quaff it down at a gulp in that way. Never +drink a whole glassful of anything at once. + +“Well, here is the wine and dessert. Take whichever wine you like, but +remember you must keep to that, and not change about. Before you go up +stairs I will allow you a glass of sherry after your claret, but +otherwise drink of one wine only. You don’t mean to say you are helping +yourself to wine before the ladies. At least, offer it to the one next +to you, and then pass it on, gently, not with a push like that. Do not +drink so fast; you will hurry me in passing the decanters, if I see that +your glass is empty. You need not eat dessert till the ladies are gone, +but offer them whatever is nearest to you. And now they are gone, draw +your chair near mine, and I will try and talk more pleasantly to you. +You will come out admirably at your next dinner with all my teaching. +What! you are excited, you are talking loud to the colonel. Nonsense. +Come and talk easily to me or to your nearest neighbor. There, don’t +drink any more wine, for I see you are getting romantic. You oblige me +to make a move. You have had enough of those walnuts; you are keeping +me, my dear sir. So now to coffee [one cup] and tea, which I beg you +will not pour into your saucer to cool. Well, the dinner has done you +good, and me too. Let us be amiable to the ladies, but not too much so.” + +“_Champ, champ; Smack, smack; Smack, smack; Champ, champ;_--It is one +thing to know how to make a pudding, and another to know how to eat it +when made. Unmerciful and monstrous are the noises with which some +persons accompany the eating--no, the devouring of the food for which, +we trust, they are thankful. To sit down with a company of such +masticators is like joining ‘a herd of swine feeding.’ Soberly, at no +time, probably, are the rules of good breeding less regarded than at +‘feeding time,’ and at no place is a departure from these rules more +noticeable than at table. Some persons gnaw at a crust as dogs gnaw a +bone, rattle knives and spoons against their teeth as though anxious to +prove which is the harder, and scrape their plates with an energy and +perseverance which would be very commendable if bestowed upon any object +worth the trouble. Others, in defiance of the old nursery rhyme-- + + ‘I must not dip, howe’er I wish, + My spoon or finger in the dish;’ + +are perpetually helping themselves in this very straightforward and +unsophisticated manner. Another, with a mouth full of food contrives to +make his teeth and tongue perform the double duty of chewing and talking +at the same time. Another, quite in military style, in the intervals of +cramming, makes his knife and fork keep guard over the jealously watched +plate, being held upright on either side in the clenched fist, like the +musket of a raw recruit. And another, as often as leisure serves, +fidgets his plate from left to right, and from right to left, or round +and round, until the painful operation of feeding is over. + +“There is, we know, such a thing as being ‘too nice’--‘more nice than +wise.’ It is quite possible to be fastidious. But there are also such +inconsiderable matters as decency and good order; and it surely is +better to err on the right than on the wrong side of good breeding.” + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. + + +A gentleman will be always polite, in the parlor, dining-room, and in +the street. This last clause will especially include courtesy towards +ladies, no matter what may be their age or position. A man who will +annoy or insult a woman in the street, lowers himself to a brute, no +matter whether he offends by look, word, or gesture. There are several +little forms of etiquette, given below, the observance of which will +mark the gentleman in the street. + +When walking with a lady, or with a gentleman who is older than +yourself, give them the upper side of the pavement, that is, the side +nearest the house. + +When walking alone, and you see any one coming towards you on the same +side of the street, give the upper part of the pavement, as you turn +aside, to a man who may carry a heavy bundle, to a priest or clergyman, +to a woman, or to any elderly person. + +In a crowd never rudely push aside those who impede your progress, but +wait patiently until the way is clear. If you are hurried by business of +importance or an engagement, you will find that a few courteous words +will open the way before you more quickly than the most violent pushing +and loud talking. + +If obliged to cross a plank, or narrow path, let any lady or old person +who may also be passing, precede you. In case the way is slippery or in +any way unsafe, you may, with perfect propriety, offer to assist either +a lady or elderly person in crossing it. + +Do not smoke in the street until after dark, and then remove your cigar +from your mouth, if you meet a lady. + +Be careful about your dress. You can never know whom you may meet, so it +is best to never leave the house otherwise than well-dressed. Bright +colors, and much jewelry are both unbecoming to a gentleman in the +street. + +Avoid touching any one with your elbows in passing, and do not swing +your arms as you walk. + +Be careful when walking with or near a lady, not to put your foot upon +her dress. + +In carrying an umbrella, hold it so that you can see the way clear +before you; avoid striking your umbrella against those which pass you; +if you are walking with a lady, let the umbrella cover her perfectly, +but hold it so that you will not touch her bonnet. If you have the care +of two ladies, let them carry the umbrella between them, and walk +outside yourself. Nothing can be more absurd than for a gentleman to +walk between two ladies, holding the umbrella himself; while, in this +way, he is perfectly protected, the ladies receive upon their dresses +and cloaks the little streams of water which run from the points of the +umbrella. + +In case of a sudden fall of rain, you may, with perfect propriety, +offer your umbrella to a lady who is unprovided with one. If she accepts +it, and asks your address to return it, leave it with her; if she +hesitates, and does not wish to deprive you of the use of it, you may +offer to accompany her to her destination, and then, do not open a +conversation; let your manner be respectful, and when you leave her, let +her thank you, assure her of the pleasure it has given you to be of +service, bow, and leave her. + +In meeting a lady friend, wait for her to bow to you, and in returning +her salutation, remove your hat. To a gentleman you may bow, merely +touching your hat, if he is alone or with another gentleman; but if he +has a lady with him, raise your hat in bowing to him. If you stop to +speak to a lady, hold your hat in your hand, until she leaves you, +unless she requests you to replace it. With a gentleman you may replace +it immediately. + +Never join a lady whom you may meet, without first asking her permission +to do so. + +If you stop to converse with any one in the street, stand near the +houses, that you may not interfere with others who are passing. + +You may bow to a lady who is seated at a window, if you are in the +street; but you must not bow from a window to a lady in the street. + +Do not stop to join a crowd who are collected round a street show, or +street merchant, unless you wish to pass for a countryman taking a +holiday in the city. + +If you stop any one to enquire your own way, or if you are called upon +to direct another, remove your hat while asking or answering the +question. + +If you see a lady leaving a carriage unattended, or hesitating at a bad +crossing, you may, with propriety, offer your hand or arm to assist her, +and having seen her safely upon the pavement, bow, and pass on. + +In a car or omnibus, when a lady wishes to get out, stop the car for +her, pass up her fare, and in an omnibus alight and assist her in +getting out, bowing as you leave her. + +Be gentle, courteous, and kind to children. There is no surer token of a +low, vulgar mind, than unkindness to little ones whom you may meet in +the streets. + +A true gentleman never stops to consider what may be the position of any +woman whom it is in his power to aid in the street. He will assist an +Irish washerwoman with her large basket or bundle over a crossing, or +carry over the little charges of a distressed negro nurse, with the same +gentle courtesy which he would extend toward the lady who was stepping +from her private carriage. The true spirit of chivalry makes the +courtesy due to the sex, not to the position of the individual. + +When you are escorting a lady in the street, politeness does not +absolutely require you to carry her bundle or parasol, but if you are +gallant you will do so. You must regulate your walk by hers, and not +force her to keep up with your ordinary pace. + +Watch that you do not lead her into any bad places, and assist her +carefully over each crossing, or wet place on the pavement. + +If you are walking in the country, and pass any streamlet, offer your +hand to assist your companion in crossing. + +If you pass over a fence, and she refuses your assistance in crossing +it, walk forward, and do not look back, until she joins you again. The +best way to assist a lady over a fence, is to stand yourself upon the +upper rail, and while using one hand to keep a steady position, stoop, +offer her the other, and with a firm, steady grasp, hold her hand until +she stands beside you; then let her go down on the other side first, and +follow her when she is safe upon the ground. + +In starting for a walk with a lady, unless she is a stranger in the +place towards whom you act as guide, let her select your destination. + +Where there are several ladies, and you are required to escort one of +them, select the elderly, or those whose personal appearance will +probably make them least likely to be sought by others. You will +probably be repaid by finding them very intelligent, and with a fund of +conversation. If there are more ladies than gentlemen, you may offer an +arm to two, with some jest about the difficulty of choosing, or the +double honor you enjoy. + +Offer your seat in any public conveyance, to a lady who is standing. It +is often quite as great a kindness and mark of courtesy to take a child +in your lap. + +When with a lady you must pay her expenses as well as your own; if she +offers to share the expense, decline unless she insists upon it, in the +latter case yield gracefully. Many ladies, who have no brother or +father, and are dependent upon their gentlemen friends for escort, make +it a rule to be under no pecuniary obligations to them, and you will, +in such a case, offend more by insisting upon your right to take that +expense, than by quietly pocketing your dignity and their cash together. + +I know many gentlemen will cry out at my assertion; but I have observed +this matter, and know many _ladies_ who will sincerely agree with me in +my opinion. + +In a carriage always give the back seat to the lady or ladies +accompanying you. If you have but one lady with you, take the seat +opposite to her, unless she invites you to sit beside her, in which case +accept her offer. + +Never put your arm across the seat, or around her, as many do in riding. +It is an impertinence, and if she is a lady of refinement, she will +resent it as such. + +If you offer a seat in your carriage to a lady, or another gentleman +whom you may meet at a party or picnic, take them home, before you drive +to your own destination, no matter how much you may have to drive out of +your own way. + +Be the last to enter the carriage, the first to leave it. If you have +ladies with you, offer them your hand to assist them in entering and +alighting, and you should take the arm of an old gentleman to assist +him. + +If offered a seat in the carriage of a gentleman friend, stand aside for +him to get in first, but if he waits for you, bow and take your seat +before he does. + +When driving a lady in a two-seated vehicle, you should assist her to +enter the carriage, see that her dress is not in danger of touching the +wheels, and that her shawl, parasol, and fan, are where she can reach +them, before you take your own seat. If she wishes to stop, and you +remain with the horses, you should alight before she does, assist her +in alighting, and again alight to help her to her seat when she returns, +even if you keep your place on the seat whilst she is gone. + +When attending a lady in a horse-back ride, never mount your horse until +she is ready to start. Give her your hand to assist her in mounting, +arrange the folds of her habit, hand her her reins and her whip, and +then take your own seat on your saddle. + +Let her pace be yours. Start when she does, and let her decide how fast +or slowly she will ride. Never let the head of your horse pass the +shoulders of hers, and be watchful and ready to render her any +assistance she may require. + +Never, by rapid riding, force her to ride faster than she may desire. + +Never touch her bridle, reins, or whip, except she particularly requests +your assistance, or an accident, or threatened danger, makes it +necessary. + +If there is dust or wind, ride so as to protect her from it as far as +possible. + +If the road is muddy be careful that you do not ride so as to bespatter +her habit. It is best to ride on the side away from that upon which her +habit falls. Some ladies change their side in riding, from time to time, +and you must watch and see upon which side the skirt falls, that, on a +muddy day, you may avoid favoring the habit with the mud your horse’s +hoofs throw up. + +If you ride with a gentleman older than yourself, or one who claims your +respect, let him mount before you do. Extend the same courtesy towards +any gentleman whom you have invited to accompany you, as he is, for the +ride, your guest. + +The honorable place is on the right. Give this to a lady, an elderly +man, or your guest. + +A modern writer says:--“If walking with a female relative or friend, a +well-bred man will take the outer side of the pavement, not only because +the wall-side is the most honorable side of a public walk, but also +because it is generally the farthest point from danger in the street. If +walking alone, he will be ready to offer assistance to any female whom +he may see exposed to real peril from any source. Courtesy and manly +courage will both incite him to this line of conduct. In general, this +is a point of honor which almost all men are proud to achieve. It has +frequently happened that even where the savage passions of men have been +excited, and when mobs have been in actual conflict, women have been +gallantly escorted through the sanguinary crowd unharmed, and their +presence has even been a protection to their protectors. This is as it +should be; and such incidents have shown in a striking manner, not only +the excellency of good breeding, but have also brought it out when and +where it was least to be expected. + +“In streets and all public walks, a well-bred person will be easily +distinguished from another who sets at defiance the rules of good +breeding. He will not, whatever be his station, hinder and annoy his +fellow pedestrians, by loitering or standing still in the middle of the +footway. He will, if walking in company, abstain from making impertinent +remarks on those he meets; he will even be careful not to appear +indelicately to notice them. He will not take ‘the crown of the +causeway’ to himself, but readily fall in with the convenient custom +which necessity has provided, and walk on the right side of the path, +leaving the left side free for those who are walking in the opposite +direction. Any departure from these plain rules of good breeding is +downright rudeness and insult; or, at all events, it betrays great +ignorance or disregard for propriety. And yet, how often are they +departed from! It is, by no means, uncommon, especially in country +places, for groups of working men to obstruct the pathway upon which +they take a fancy to lounge, without any definite object, as far as +appears, but that of making rude remarks upon passers-by. But it is not +only the laboring classes of society who offend against good breeding in +this way; too many others offend in the same, and by stopping to talk in +the middle of the pavement put all who pass to great inconvenience.” + +In meeting a lady do not offer to shake hands with her, but accept her +hand when _she_ offers it for you to take. + +“In France, where politeness is found in every class, the people do not +run against each other in the streets, nor brush rudely by each other, +as they sometimes do in our cities. It adds much to the pleasure of +walking, to be free from such annoyance; and this can only be brought +about by the well-taught few setting a good example to the many. By +having your wits about you, you can win your way through a thronged +street without touching even the extreme circumference of a balloon +sleeve; and, if each one strove to avoid all contact, it would be easily +accomplished.” + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. + + +A gentleman in society must calculate to give a certain portion of his +time to making calls upon his friends, both ladies and gentlemen. He may +extend his visiting list to as large a number as his inclination and +time will permit him to attend to, but he cannot contract it after +passing certain limits. His position as a man in society obliges him to +call, + +Upon any stranger visiting his city, who brings a letter of introduction +to him; + +Upon any friend from another city, to whose hospitality he has been at +any time indebted; + +Upon any gentleman after receiving from his hands a favor or courtesy; + +Upon his host at any dinner or supper party, (such calls should be made +very soon after the entertainment given); + +Upon any friend whose joy or grief calls for an expression of sympathy, +whether it be congratulation or condolence; + +Upon any friend who has lately returned from a voyage or long journey; + +Upon any lady who has accepted his services as an escort, either for a +journey or the return from a ball or evening party; this call must be +made the day after he has thus escorted the lady; + +Upon his hostess after any party to which he has been invited, whether +he has accepted or declined such invitation; + +Upon any lady who has accepted his escort for an evening, a walk or a +drive; + +Upon any friend whom long or severe illness keeps confined to the house; + +Upon his lady friends on New Year’s day, (if it is the custom of the +city in which he resides;) + +Upon any of his friends when they receive bridal calls; + +Upon lady friends in any city you are visiting; if gentlemen friends +reside in the same city, you may either call upon them or send your card +with your address and the length of time you intend staying, written +upon it; if a stranger or friend visiting your city sends such a card, +you must call at the earliest opportunity; + +Upon any one of whom you wish to ask a favor; to make him, under such +circumstances call upon you, is extremely rude; + +Upon any one who has asked a favor of you; you will add very much to the +pleasure you confer, in granting a favor, by calling to express the +gratification it affords you to be able to oblige your friend; you will +soften the pain of a refusal, if, by calling, and expressing your +regret, you show that you feel interested in the request, and consider +it of importance. + +Upon intimate friends, relatives, and ladies, you may call without +waiting for any of the occasions given above. + +Do not fall into the vulgar error of declaiming against the practice of +making calls, declaring it a “bore,” tiresome, or stupid. The custom is +a good one. + +An English writer says:-- + +“The visit or call is a much better institution than is generally +supposed. It has its drawbacks. It wastes much time; it necessitates +much small talk. It obliges one to dress on the chance of finding a +friend at home; but for all this it is almost the only means of making +an acquaintance ripen into friendship. In the visit, all the strain, +which general society somehow necessitates, is thrown off. A man +receives you in his rooms cordially, and makes you welcome, not to a +stiff dinner, but an easy chair and conversation. A lady, who in the +ball room or party has been compelled to limit her conversation, can +here speak more freely. The talk can descend from generalities to +personal inquiries, and need I say, that if you wish to know a young +lady truly, you must see her at home, and by day light. + +“The main points to be observed about visits, are the proper occasions +and the proper hours. Now, between actual friends there is little need +of etiquette in these respects. A friendly visit may be made at any +time, on any occasion. True, you are more welcome when the business of +the day is over, in the afternoon rather than in the morning, and you +must, even as a friend, avoid calling at meal times. But, on the other +hand, many people receive visits in the evening, and certainly this is +the best time to make them.” + +Any first call which you receive must be returned promptly. If you do +not wish to continue the acquaintance any farther, you need not return a +second call, but politeness imperatively demands a return of the first +one. + +A call may be made upon ladies in the morning or afternoon; but in this +country, where almost every man has some business to occupy his day, the +evening is the best time for paying calls. You will gain ground in easy +intercourse and friendly acquaintance more rapidly in one evening, than +in several morning calls. + +Never make a call upon a lady before eleven o’clock in the morning, or +after nine in the evening. + +Avoid meal times. If you inadvertently call at dinner or tea time, and +your host is thus forced to invite you to the table, it is best to +decline the civility. If, however, you see that you will give pleasure +by staying, accept the invitation, but be careful to avoid calling again +at the same hour. + +No man in the United States, excepting His Excellency, the President, +can expect to receive calls unless he returns them. + +“Visiting,” says a French writer, “forms the cord which binds society +together, and it is so firmly tied, that were the knot severed, society +would perish.” + +A ceremonious call should never extend over more than fifteen minutes, +and it should not be less than ten minutes. + +If you see the master of the house take letters or a paper from his +pocket, look at the clock, have an absent air, beat time with his +fingers or hands, or in any other way show weariness or _ennui_, you +may safely conclude that it is time for you to leave, though you may not +have been five minutes in the house. If you are host to the most +wearisome visitor in existence, if he stays hours, and converses only on +subjects which do not interest you, in the least; unless he is keeping +you from an important engagement, you must not show the least sign of +weariness. Listen to him politely, endeavor to entertain him, and +preserve a smiling composure, though you may long to show him the door. +In case he is keeping you from business of importance, or an imperative +engagement, you may, without any infringement upon the laws of +politeness, inform him of the fact, and beg him to excuse you; you must, +however, express polite regret at your enforced want of hospitality, and +invite him to call again. + +It is quite an art to make a graceful exit after a call. To know how to +choose the moment when you will be regretted, and to retire leaving your +friends anxious for a repetition of the call, is an accomplishment worth +acquiring. + +When you begin to tire of your visit, you may generally feel sure that +your entertainers are tired of you, and if you do not want to remain +printed upon their memory as “the man who makes such long, tiresome +calls,” you will retire. + +If other callers come in before you leave a friend’s parlor, do not rise +immediately as if you wished to avoid them, but remain seated a few +moments, and then leave, that your hostess may not have too many +visitors to entertain at one time. + +If you have been enjoying a _tête-à-tête_ interview with a lady, and +other callers come in, do not hurry away, as if detected in a crime, but +after a few courteous, graceful words, and the interchange of some +pleasant remarks, leave her to entertain her other friends. + +To endeavor when making a call to “sit out” others in the room, is very +rude. + +When your host or hostess urges you to stay longer, after you have risen +to go, be sure that that is the best time for departure. You will do +better to go then, when you will be regretted, than to wait until you +have worn your welcome out. + +When making a visit of condolence, take your tone from your host or +hostess. If they speak of their misfortune, or, in case of death, of the +departed relative, join them. Speak of the talents or virtues of the +deceased, and your sympathy with their loss. If, on the other hand, they +avoid the subject, then it is best for you to avoid it too. They may +feel their inability to sustain a conversation upon the subject of their +recent affliction, and it would then be cruel to force it upon them. If +you see that they are making an effort, perhaps a painful one, to appear +cheerful, try to make them forget for the time their sorrows, and chat +on cheerful subjects. At the same time, avoid jesting, merriment, or +undue levity, as it will be out of place, and appear heartless. + +A visit of congratulation, should, on the contrary, be cheerful, gay, +and joyous. Here, painful subjects would be out of place. Do not mar the +happiness of your friend by the description of the misery of your own +position or that of a third person, but endeavor to show by joyous +sympathy that the pleasure of your friend is also your happiness. To +laugh with those who laugh, weep with those who are afflicted, is not +hypocrisy, but kindly, friendly sympathy. + +Always, when making a friendly call, send up your card, by the servant +who opens the door. + +There are many times when a card may be left, even if the family upon +which you call is at home. Visits of condolence, unless amongst +relatives or very intimate friends, are best made by leaving a card with +enquiries for the health of the family, and offers of service. + +If you see upon entering a friend’s parlor, that your call is keeping +him from going out, or, if you find a lady friend dressed for a party or +promenade, make your visit very brief. In the latter case, if the lady +seems unattended, and urges your stay, you may offer your services as an +escort. + +Never visit a literary man, an artist, any man whose profession allows +him to remain at home, at the hours when he is engaged in the pursuit of +his profession. The fact that you know he is at home is nothing; he will +not care to receive visits during the time allotted to his daily work. + +Never take another gentleman to call upon one of your lady friends +without first obtaining her permission to do so. + +The calls made after receiving an invitation to dinner, a party, ball, +or other entertainment should be made within a fortnight after the +civility has been accepted. + +When you have saluted the host and hostess, do not take a seat until +they invite you to do so, or by a motion, and themselves sitting down, +show that they expect you to do the same. + +Keep your hat in your hand when making a call. This will show your host +that you do not intend to remain to dine or sup with him. You may leave +an umbrella or cane in the hall if you wish, but your hat and gloves you +must carry into the parlor. In making an evening call for the first time +keep your hat and gloves in your hand, until the host or hostess +requests you to lay them aside and spend the evening. + +When going to spend the evening with a friend whom you visit often, +leave your hat, gloves, and great coat in the hall. + +If, on entering a parlor of a lady friend, in the evening, you see by +her dress, or any other token, that she was expecting to go to the +opera, concert, or an evening party, make a call of a few minutes only, +and then retire. I have known men who accepted instantly the invitation +given them to remain under these circumstances, and deprive their +friends of an anticipated pleasure, when their call could have been made +at any other time. To thus impose upon the courtesy of your friends is +excessively rude. Nothing will pardon such an acceptance but the +impossibility of repeating your call, owing to a short stay in town, or +any other cause. Even in this case it is better to accompany your +friends upon their expedition in search of pleasure. You can, of course, +easily obtain admittance if they are going to a public entertainment, +and if they invite you to join their party to a friend’s house, you may +without impropriety do so, as a lady is privileged to introduce you to +her friends under such circumstances. It requires tact and discretion to +know when to accept and when to decline such an invitation. Be careful +that you do not intrude upon a party already complete in themselves, or +that you do not interfere with the plans of the gentlemen who have +already been accepted as escorts. + +Never make a _third_ upon such occasions. Neither one of a couple who +propose spending the evening abroad together, will thank the intruder +who spoils their tête-à-tête. + +When you find, on entering a room, that your visit is for any reason +inopportune, do not instantly retire unless you have entered unperceived +and can so leave, in which case leave immediately; if, however, you have +been seen, your instant retreat is cut off. Then endeavor by your own +graceful ease to cover any embarrassment your entrance may have caused, +make but a short call, and, if you can, leave your friends under the +impression that you saw nothing out of the way when you entered. + +Always leave a card when you find the person upon whom you have called +absent from home. + +A card should have nothing written upon it, but your name and address. +To leave a card with your business address, or the nature of your +profession written upon it, shows a shocking ignorance of polite +society. Business cards are never to be used excepting when you make a +business call. + +Never use a card that is ornamented in any way, whether by a fancy +border, painted corners, or embossing. Let it be perfectly plain, +tinted, if you like, in color, but without ornament, and have your name +written or printed in the middle, your address, in smaller characters, +in the lower left hand corner. Many gentlemen omit the Mr. upon their +cards, writing merely their Christian and surname; this is a matter of +taste, you may follow your own inclination. Let your card be written +thus:-- + + HENRY C. PRATT + + No. 217 L. street. + +A physician will put Dr. before or M.D. after the name, and an officer +in the army or navy may add his title; but for militia officers to do so +is absurd. + +If you call upon a lady, who invites you to be seated, place a chair for +her, and wait until she takes it before you sit down yourself. + +Never sit beside a lady upon a sofa, or on a chair very near her own, +unless she invites you to do so. + +If a lady enters the room where you are making a call, rise, and remain +standing until she is seated. Even if she is a perfect stranger, offer +her a chair, if there is none near her. + +You must rise if a lady leaves the room, and remain standing until she +has passed out. + +If you are engaged in any profession which you follow at home, and +receive a caller, you may, during the daytime, invite him into your +library, study, or the room in which you work, and, unless you use your +pen, you may work while he is with you. + +When you receive a visitor, meet him at the door, offer a chair, take +his hat and cane, and, while speaking of the pleasure the call affords +you, show, by your manner, that you are sincere, and desire a long call. + +Do not let your host come with you any farther than the room door if he +has other visitors; but if you are showing out a friend, and leave no +others in the parlor, you should come to the street door. + +A few hints from an English author, will not be amiss in this place. He +says:-- + +“Visits of condolence and congratulation must be made about a week after +the event. If you are intimate with the person on whom you call, you may +ask, in the first case, for admission; if not, it is better only to +leave a card, and make your ‘kind inquiries’ of the servant, who is +generally primed in what manner to answer them. In visits of +congratulation you should always go in, and be hearty in your +congratulations. Visits of condolence are terrible inflictions to both +receiver and giver, but they may be made less so by avoiding, as much as +consistent with sympathy, any allusion to the past. The receiver does +well to abstain from tears. A lady of my acquaintance, who had lost her +husband, was receiving such a visit in her best crape. She wept +profusely for some time upon the best of broad-hemmed cambric +handkerchiefs, and then turning to her visitor, said: ‘I am sure you +will be glad to hear that Mr. B. has left me most comfortably provided +for.’ _Hinc illæ lacrymæ._ Perhaps they would have been more sincere if +he had left her without a penny. At the same time, if you have not +sympathy and heart enough to pump up a little condolence, you will do +better to avoid it, but take care that your conversation is not too gay. +Whatever you may feel, you must respect the sorrows of others. + +“On marriage, cards are sent round to such people as you wish to keep +among your acquaintance, and it is then their part to call first on the +young couple, when within distance. + +“Having entered the house, you take up with you to the drawing-room both +hat and cane, but leave an umbrella in the hall. In France it is usual +to leave a great-coat down stairs also, but as calls are made in this +country in morning dress, it is not necessary to do so. + +“It is not usual to introduce people at morning calls in large towns; in +the country it is sometimes done, not always. The law of introductions +is, in fact, to force no one into an acquaintance. You should, +therefore, ascertain beforehand whether it is agreeable to both to be +introduced; but if a lady or a superior expresses a wish to know a +gentleman or an inferior, the latter two have no right to decline the +honor. The introduction is of an inferior [which position a gentleman +always holds to a lady] to the superior. You introduce Mr. Smith to Mrs. +Jones, or Mr. A. to Lord B., not _vice versa_. In introducing two +persons, it is not necessary to lead one of them up by the hand, but it +is sufficient simply to precede them. Having thus brought the person to +be introduced up to the one to whom he is to be presented, it is the +custom, even when the consent has been previously obtained, to say, with +a slight bow, to the superior personage: ‘Will you allow me to introduce +Mr. ----?’ The person addressed replies by bowing to the one introduced, +who also bows at the same time, while the introducer repeats their +names, and then retires, leaving them to converse. Thus, for instance, +in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. Smith, you will say, ‘Mrs. Smith, allow +me to introduce Mr. Jones,’ and while they are engaged in bowing you +will murmur, ‘Mrs. Smith--Mr. Jones,’ and escape. If you have to present +three or four people to said Mrs. Smith, it will suffice to utter their +respective names without repeating that of the lady. + +“A well-bred person always receives visitors at whatever time they may +call, or whoever they may be; but if you are occupied and cannot afford +to be interrupted by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the servant +_beforehand_ to say that you are ‘not at home.’ This form has often been +denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no lie unless intended to +deceive; and since the words are universally understood to mean that you +are engaged, it can be no harm to give such an order to a servant. But, +on the other hand, if the servant once admits a visitor within the hall, +you should receive him at any inconvenience to yourself.” + +He also gives some admirable hints upon visits made to friends in +another city or the country. + +He says:-- + +“A few words on visits to country houses before I quit this subject. +Since a man’s house is his castle, no one, not even a near relation, has +a right to invite himself to stay in it. It is not only taking a liberty +to do so, but may prove to be very inconvenient. A general invitation, +too, should never be acted on. It is often given without any intention +of following it up; but, if given, should be turned into a special one +sooner or later. An invitation should specify the persons whom it +includes, and the person invited should never presume to take with him +any one not specified. If a gentleman cannot dispense with his valet, he +should write to ask leave to bring a servant; but the means of your +inviter, and the size of the house, should be taken into consideration, +and it is better taste to dispense with a servant altogether. Children +and horses are still more troublesome, and should never be taken without +special mention made of them. It is equally bad taste to arrive with a +wagonful of luggage, as that is naturally taken as a hint that you +intend to stay a long time. The length of a country visit is indeed a +difficult matter to decide, but in the present day people who receive +much generally specify the length in their invitation--a plan which +saves a great deal of trouble and doubt. But a custom not so commendable +has lately come in of limiting the visits of acquaintance to two or +three days. This may be pardonable where the guest lives at no great +distance, but it is preposterous to expect a person to travel a long +distance for a stay of three nights. If, however, the length be not +specified, and cannot easily be discovered, a week is the limit for a +country visit, except at the house of a near relation or very old +friend. It will, however, save trouble to yourself, if, soon after your +arrival, you state that you are come “for a few days,” and, if your host +wishes you to make a longer visit, he will at once press you to do so. + +“The main point in a country visit is to give as little trouble as +possible, to conform to the habits of your entertainers, and never to be +in the way. On this principle you will retire to your own occupations +soon after breakfast, unless some arrangement has been made for passing +the morning otherwise. If you have nothing to do, you may be sure that +your host has something to attend to in the morning. Another point of +good-breeding is to be punctual at meals, for a host and hostess never +sit down without their guest, and dinner may be getting cold. If, +however, a guest should fail in this particular, a well-bred entertainer +will not only take no notice of it, but attempt to set the late comer as +much at his ease as possible. A host should provide amusement for his +guests, and give up his time as much as possible to them; but if he +should be a professional man or student--an author, for instance--the +guest should, at the commencement of the visit, insist that he will not +allow him to interrupt his occupations, and the latter will set his +visitor more at his ease by accepting this arrangement. In fact, the +rule on which a host should act is to make his visitors as much at home +as possible; that on which a visitor should act, is to interfere as +little as possible with the domestic routine of the house. + +“The worst part of a country visit is the necessity of giving gratuities +to the servants, for a poor man may often find his visit cost him far +more than if he had stayed at home. It is a custom which ought to be put +down, because a host who receives much should pay his own servants for +the extra trouble given. Some people have made by-laws against it in +their houses, but, like those about gratuities to railway-porters, they +are seldom regarded. In a great house a man-servant expects gold, but a +poor man should not be ashamed of offering him silver. It must depend on +the length of the visit. The ladies give to the female, the gentlemen to +the male servants. Would that I might see my friends without paying them +for their hospitality in this indirect manner!” + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. + + +Of all the amusements open for young people, none is more delightful and +more popular than dancing. Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, +says: “Dancing is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing; but it is +one of those established follies to which people of sense are sometimes +obliged to conform; and then they should be able to do it well. And, +though I would not have you a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would +have you dance well, as I would have you do everything you do well.” In +another letter, he writes: “Do you mind your dancing while your dancing +master is with you? As you will be often under the necessity of dancing +a minuet, I would have you dance it very well. Remember that the +graceful motion of the arms, the giving of your hand, and the putting +off and putting on of your hat genteelly, are the material parts of a +gentleman’s dancing. But the greatest advantage of dancing well is, that +it necessarily teaches you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk +genteelly; all of which are of real importance to a man of fashion.” + +Although the days are over when gentlemen carried their hats into ball +rooms and danced minuets, there are useful hints in the quotations +given above. Nothing will give ease of manner and a graceful carriage to +a gentleman more surely than the knowledge of dancing. He will, in its +practice, acquire easy motion, a light step, and learn to use both hands +and feet well. What can be more awkward than a man who continually finds +his hands and feet in his way, and, by his fussy movements, betrays his +trouble? A good dancer never feels this embarrassment, consequently he +never appears aware of the existence of his feet, and carries his hands +and arms gracefully. Some people being bashful and afraid of attracting +attention in a ball room or evening party, do not take lessons in +dancing, overlooking the fact that it is those who do _not_ partake of +the amusement on such occasions, not those who do, that attract +attention. To all such gentlemen I would say; Learn to dance. You will +find it one of the very best plans for correcting bashfulness. Unless +you possess the accomplishments that are common in polite society, you +can neither give nor receive all the benefits that can be derived from +social intercourse. + +When you receive an invitation to a ball, answer it immediately. + +If you go alone, go from the dressing-room to the ball room, find your +host and hostess, and speak first to them; if there are several ladies +in the house, take the earliest opportunity of paying your respects to +each of them, and invite one of them to dance with you the first dance. +If she is already engaged, you should endeavor to engage her for a dance +later in the evening, and are then at liberty to seek a partner amongst +the guests. + +When you have engaged a partner for a dance, you should go to her a few +moments before the set for which you have engaged her will be formed, +that you may not be hurried in taking your places upon the floor. +Enquire whether she prefers the head or side place in the set, and take +the position she names. + +In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, “Will you _honor_ me +with your hand for a quadrille?” or, “Shall I have the _honor_ of +dancing this set with you?” are more used now than “Shall I have the +_pleasure_?” or, “Will you give me the _pleasure_ of dancing with you?” + +Offer a lady your arm to lead her to the quadrille, and in the pauses +between the figures endeavor to make the duty of standing still less +tiresome by pleasant conversation. Let the subjects be light, as you +will be constantly interrupted by the figures in the dance. There is no +occasion upon which a pleasant flow of small talk is more _àpropos_, and +agreeable than in a ball room. + +When the dance is over, offer your arm to your partner, and enquire +whether she prefers to go immediately to her seat, or wishes to +promenade. If she chooses the former, conduct her to her seat, stand +near her a few moments, chatting, then bow, and give other gentlemen an +opportunity of addressing her. If she prefers to promenade, walk with +her until she expresses a wish to sit down. Enquire, before you leave +her, whether you can be of any service, and, if the supper-room is open, +invite her to go in there with you. + +You will pay a delicate compliment and one that will certainly be +appreciated, if, when a lady declines your invitation to dance on the +plea of fatigue or fear of fatigue, you do not seek another partner, +but remain with the lady you have just invited, and thus imply that the +pleasure of talking with, and being near, her, is greater than that of +dancing with another. + +Let your hostess understand that you are at her service for the evening, +that she may have a prospect of giving her wall flowers a partner, and, +however unattractive these may prove, endeavor to make yourself as +agreeable to them as possible. + +Your conduct will differ if you escort a lady to a ball. Then your +principal attentions must be paid to her. You must call for her +punctually at the hour she has appointed, and it is your duty to provide +the carriage. You may carry her a bouquet if you will, this is optional. +A more elegant way of presenting it is to send it in the afternoon with +your card, as, if you wait until evening, she may think you do not mean +to present one, and provide one for herself. + +When you arrive at your destination, leave the carriage, and assist her +in alighting; then escort her to the lady’s dressing-room, leave her at +the door, and go to the gentlemen’s dressing-room. As soon as you have +arranged your own dress, go again to the door of the lady’s room, and +wait until your companion comes out. Give her your left arm and escort +her to the ball room; find the hostess and lead your companion to her. +When they have exchanged greetings, lead your lady to a seat, and then +engage her for the first dance. Tell her that while you will not deprive +others of the pleasure of dancing with her, you are desirous of dancing +with her whenever she is not more pleasantly engaged, and before +seeking a partner for any other set, see whether your lady is engaged or +is ready to dance again with you. You must watch during the evening, +and, while you do not force your attentions upon her, or prevent others +from paying her attention, you must never allow her to be alone, but +join her whenever others are not speaking to her. You must take her in +to supper, and be ready to leave the party, whenever she wishes to do +so. + +If the ball is given in your own house, or at that of a near relative, +it becomes your duty to see that every lady, young or old, handsome or +ugly, is provided with a partner, though the oldest and ugliest may fall +to your own share. + +Never stand up to dance unless you are perfect master of the step, +figure, and time of that dance. If you make a mistake you not only +render yourself ridiculous, but you annoy your partner and the others in +the set. + +If you have come alone to a ball, do not devote yourself entirely to any +one lady. Divide your attentions amongst several, and never dance twice +in succession with the same partner. + +To affect an air of secrecy or mystery when conversing in a ball-room is +a piece of impertinence for which no lady of delicacy will thank you. + +When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank her for the pleasure +she has conferred upon you, and do not remain too long conversing with +her. + +Give your partner your whole attention when dancing with her. To let +your eyes wander round the room, or to make remarks betraying your +interest in others, is not flattering, as she will not be unobservant +of your want of taste. + +Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is an unpardonable +breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance with you, and neglect to +remind her of her promise when the time to redeem it comes. + +A dress coat, dress boots, full suit of black, and white or very light +kid gloves must be worn in a ball room. A white waistcoat and cravat are +sometimes worn, but this is a matter of taste. + +Never wait until the music commences before inviting a lady to dance +with you. + +If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is seated near her to +dance the same set. Do not go immediately to another lady, but chat a +few moments with the one whom you first invited, and then join a group +or gentlemen friends for a few moments, before seeking another partner. + +Never dance without gloves. This is an imperative rule. It is best to +carry two pair, as in the contact with dark dresses, or in handing +refreshments, you may soil the pair you wear on entering the room, and +will thus be under the necessity of offering your hand covered by a +soiled glove, to some fair partner. You can slip unperceived from the +room, change the soiled for a fresh pair, and then avoid that +mortification. + +If your partner has a bouquet, handkerchief, or fan in her hand, do not +offer to carry them for her. If she finds they embarrass her, she will +request you to hold them for her, but etiquette requires you not to +notice them, unless she speaks of them first. + +Do not be the last to leave the ball room. It is more elegant to leave +early, as staying too late gives others the impression that you do not +often have an invitation to a ball, and must “make the most of it.” + +Some gentlemen linger at a private ball until all the ladies have left, +and then congregate in the supper-room, where they remain for hours, +totally regardless of the fact that they are keeping the wearied host +and his servants from their rest. Never, as you value your reputation as +a gentleman of refinement, be among the number of these “hangers on.” + +The author of a recent work on etiquette, published in England, gives +the following hints for those who go to balls. He says:-- + +“When inviting a lady to dance, if she replies very politely, asking to +be excused, as she does not wish to dance (‘with you,’ being probably +her mental reservation), a man ought to be satisfied. At all events, he +should never press her to dance after one refusal. The set forms which +Turveydrop would give for the invitation are too much of the deportment +school to be used in practice. If you know a young lady slightly, it is +sufficient to say to her, ‘May I have the pleasure of dancing this +waltz, &c., with you?’ or if intimately, ‘Will you dance, Miss A--?’ The +young lady who has refused one gentleman, has no right to accept another +for that dance; and young ladies who do not wish to be annoyed, must +take care not to accept two gentlemen for the same dance. In Germany +such innocent blunders often cause fatal results. Two partners arrive at +the same moment to claim the fair one’s hand; she vows she has not made +a mistake; ‘was sure she was engaged to Herr A--, and not to Herr B--;’ +Herr B-- is equally certain that she was engaged to him. The awkwardness +is, that if he at once gives her up, he appears to be indifferent about +it; while, if he presses his suit, he must quarrel with Herr A--, unless +the damsel is clever enough to satisfy both of them; and particularly if +there is an especial interest in Herr B--, he yields at last, but when +the dance is over, sends a friend to Herr A--. Absurd as all this is, it +is common, and I have often seen one Herr or the other walking about +with a huge gash on his cheek, or his arm in a sling, a few days after a +ball. + +“Friendship, it appears, can be let out on hire. The lady who was so +very amiable to you last night, has a right to ignore your existence +to-day. In fact, a ball room acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until +you have met at more balls than one. In the same way a man cannot, after +being introduced to a young lady to dance with, ask her to do so more +than twice in the same evening. A man may dance four or even five times +with the same partner. On the other hand, a real well-bred man will wish +to be useful, and there are certain people whom it is imperative on him +to ask to dance--the daughters of the house, for instance, and any young +ladies whom he may know intimately; but most of all the well-bred and +amiable man will sacrifice himself to those plain, ill-dressed, dull +looking beings who cling to the wall, unsought and despairing. After +all, he will not regret his good nature. The spirits reviving at the +unexpected invitation, the wall-flower will pour out her best +conversation, will dance her best, and will show him her gratitude in +some way or other. + +“The formal bow at the end of a quadrille has gradually dwindled away. +At the end of every dance you offer your right arm to your partner, (if +by mistake you offer the left, you may turn the blunder into a pretty +compliment, by reminding her that is _le bras du cœur_, nearest the +heart, which if not anatomically true, is, at least, no worse than +talking of a sunset and sunrise), and walk half round the room with her. +You then ask her if she will take any refreshment, and, if she accepts, +you convey your precious allotment of tarlatane to the refreshment room +to be invigorated by an ice or negus, or what you will. It is judicious +not to linger too long in this room, if you are engaged to some one else +for the next dance. You will have the pleasure of hearing the music +begin in the distant ball room, and of reflecting that an expectant fair +is sighing for you like Marianna-- + + “He cometh not,” she said. + She said, “I am a-weary a-weary, + I would I were in bed;” + +which is not an unfrequent wish in some ball rooms. A well-bred girl, +too, will remember this, and always offer to return to the ball room, +however interesting the conversation. + +“If you are prudent you will not dance every dance, nor in fact, much +more than half the number on the list; you will then escape that hateful +redness of face at the time, and that wearing fatigue the next day which +are among the worst features of a ball. Again, a gentleman must +remember that a ball is essentially a lady’s party, and in their +presence he should be gentle and delicate almost to a fault, never +pushing his way, apologizing if he tread on a dress, still more so if he +tears it, begging pardon for any accidental annoyance he may occasion, +and addressing every body with a smile. But quite unpardonable are those +men whom one sometimes meets, who, standing in a door-way, talk and +laugh as they would in a barrack or college-rooms, always coarsely, +often indelicately. What must the state of their minds be, if the sight +of beauty, modesty, and virtue, does not awe them into silence! A man, +too, who strolls down the room with his head in the air, looking as if +there were not a creature there worth dancing with, is an ill-bred man, +so is he who looks bored; and worse than all is he who takes too much +champagne. + +“If you are dancing with a young lady when the supper-room is opened, +you must ask her if she would like to go to supper, and if she says +‘yes,’ which, in 999 cases out of 1000, she certainly will do, you must +take her thither. If you are not dancing, the lady of the house will +probably recruit you to take in some chaperon. However little you may +relish this, you must not show your disgust. In fact, no man ought to be +disgusted at being able to do anything for a lady; it should be his +highest privilege, but it is not--in these modern unchivalrous +days--perhaps never was so. Having placed your partner then at the +supper-table, if there is room there, but if not at a side-table, or +even at none, you must be as active as Puck in attending to her wants, +and as women take as long to settle their fancies in edibles as in +love-matters, you had better at once get her something substantial, +chicken, _pâté de foie gras_, _mayonnaise_, or what you will. Afterwards +come jelly and trifle in due course. + +“A young lady often goes down half-a-dozen times to the supper-room--it +is to be hoped not for the purpose of eating--but she should not do so +with the same partner more than once. While the lady is supping you must +stand by and talk to her, attending to every want, and the most you may +take yourself is a glass of champagne when you help her. You then lead +her up stairs again, and if you are not wanted there any more, you may +steal down and do a little quiet refreshment on your own account. As +long, however, as there are many ladies still at the table, you have no +right to begin. Nothing marks a man here so much as gorging at supper. +Balls are meant for dancing, not eating, and unfortunately too many +young men forget this in the present day. Lastly, be careful what you +say and how you dance after supper, even more so than before it, for if +you in the slightest way displease a young lady, she may fancy that you +have been too partial to strong fluids, and ladies never forgive that. +It would be hard on the lady of the house if every body leaving a large +ball thought it necessary to wish her good night. In quitting a small +dance, however, a parting bow is expected. It is then that the pretty +daughter of the house gives you that sweet smile of which you dream +afterwards in a gooseberry nightmare of ‘tum-tum-tiddy-tum,’ and waltzes +_à deux temps_, and masses of tarlatane and bright eyes, flushed cheeks +and dewy glances. See them to-morrow, my dear fellow, it will cure you. + +“I think flirtation comes under the head of morals more than of manners; +still I may be allowed to say that ball room flirtation being more open +is less dangerous than any other. A prudent man will never presume on a +girl’s liveliness or banter. No man of taste ever made an offer after +supper, and certainly nine-tenths of those who have done so have +regretted it at breakfast the next morning. + +“At public balls there are generally either three or four stewards on +duty, or a professional master of ceremonies. These gentlemen having +made all the arrangements, order the dances, and have power to change +them if desirable. They also undertake to present young men to ladies, +but it must be understood that such an introduction is only available +for _one_ dance. It is better taste to ask the steward to introduce you +simply to a partner, than to point out any lady in particular. He will +probably then ask you if you have a choice, and if not, you may be +certain he will take you to an established wall-flower. Public balls are +scarcely enjoyable unless you have your own party. + +“As the great charm of a ball is its perfect accord and harmony, all +altercations, loud talking, &c., are doubly ill-mannered in a ball room. +Very little suffices to disturb the peace of the whole company.” + +The same author gives some hints upon dancing which are so excellent +that I need make no apology for quoting them. He says:-- + +“‘Thank you--aw--I do not dance,’ is now a very common reply from a +well-dressed, handsome man, who is leaning against the side of the door, +to the anxious, heated hostess, who feels it incumbent on her to find a +partner for poor Miss Wallflower. I say the reply is not only common, +but even regarded as rather a fine one to make. In short, men of the +present day don’t, won’t, or can’t dance; and you can’t make them do it, +except by threatening to give them no supper. I really cannot discover +the reason for this aversion to an innocent amusement, for the apparent +purpose of enjoying which they have spent an hour and a half on their +toilet. There is something, indeed, in the heat of a ball room, there is +a great deal in the ridiculous smallness of the closets into which the +ball-giver crowds two hundred people, with a cruel indifference only +equalled by that of the black-hole of Calcutta, expecting them to enjoy +themselves, when the ladies’ dresses are crushed and torn, and the +gentlemen, under the despotism of theirs, are melting away almost as +rapidly as the ices with which an occasional waiter has the +heartlessness to insult them. Then, again, it is a great nuisance to be +introduced to a succession of plain, uninteresting young women, of whose +tastes, modes of life, &c., you have not the slightest conception: who +may look gay, yet have never a thought beyond the curate and the parish, +or appear to be serious, while they understand nothing but the opera and +So-and-so’s ball--in fact, to be in perpetual risk of either shocking +their prejudices, or plaguing them with subjects in which they can have +no possible interest; to take your chance whether they can dance at all, +and to know that when you have lighted on a real charmer, perhaps the +beauty of the room, she is only lent to you for that dance, and, when +that is over, and you have salaamed away again, you and she must remain +to one another as if you had never met; to feel, in short, that you must +destroy either your present comfort or future happiness, is certainly +sufficiently trying to keep a man close to the side-posts of the +doorway. But these are reasons which might keep him altogether from a +ball room, and, if he has these and other objections to dancing, he +certainly cannot be justified in coming to a place set apart for that +sole purpose. + +“But I suspect that there are other reasons, and that, in most cases, +the individual can dance and does dance at times, but has now a vulgar +desire to be distinguished from the rest of his sex present, and to +appear indifferent to the pleasures of the evening. If this be his +laudable desire, however he might, at least, be consistent, and continue +to cling to his door-post, like St. Sebastian to his tree, and reply +throughout the evening, ‘Thank you, I don’t take refreshments;’ ‘Thank +you, I can’t eat supper;’ ‘Thank you, I don’t talk;’ ‘Thank you, I don’t +drink champagne,’--for if a ball room be purgatory, what a demoniacal +conflict does a supper-room present; if young ladies be bad for the +heart, champagne is worse for the head. + +“No, it is the will, not the power to dance which is wanting, and to +refuse to do so, unless for a really good reason, is not the part of a +well-bred man. To mar the pleasure of others is obviously bad manners, +and, though at the door-post, you may not be in the way, you may be +certain that there are some young ladies longing to dance, and +expecting to be asked, and that the hostess is vexed and annoyed by +seeing them fixed, like pictures, to the wall. It is therefore the duty +of every man who has no scruples about dancing, and purposes to appear +at balls, to learn how to dance. + +“In the present day the art is much simplified, and if you can walk +through a quadrille, and perform a polka, waltz, or galop, you may often +dance a whole evening through. Of course, if you can add to these the +Lancers, Schottische, and Polka-Mazurka, you will have more variety, and +can be more generally agreeable. But if your master or mistress [a man +learns better from the former] has stuffed into your head some of the +three hundred dances which he tells you exist, the best thing you can do +is to forget them again. Whether right or wrong, the number of usual +dances is limited, and unusual ones should be very sparingly introduced +into a ball, for as few people know them, their dancing, on the one +hand, becomes a mere display, and, on the other, interrupts the +enjoyment of the majority. + +“The quadrille is pronounced to be essentially a conversational dance, +but, inasmuch as the figures are perpetually calling you away from your +partner, the first necessity for dancing a quadrille is to be supplied +with a fund of small talk, in which you can go from subject to subject +like a bee from flower to flower. The next point is to carry yourself +uprightly. Time was when--as in the days of the _minuet de la cour_--the +carriage constituted the dance. This is still the case with the +quadrille, in which, even if ignorant of the figures, you may acquit +yourself well by a calm, graceful carriage. After all, the most +important figure is the _smile_, and the feet may be left to their fate, +if we know what to do with our hands; of which I may observe that they +should never be pocketed. + +“The smile is essential. A dance is supposed to amuse, and nothing is +more out of place in it than a gloomy scowl, unless it be an +ill-tempered frown. The gaiety of a dance is more essential than the +accuracy of its figures, and if you feel none yourself, you may, at +least, look pleased by that of those around you. A defiant manner is +equally obnoxious. An acquaintance of mine always gives me the +impression, when he advances in _l’été_, that he is about to box the +lady who comes to meet him. But the most objectionable of all is the +supercilious manner. Dear me, if you really think you do your partner an +honor in dancing with her, you should, at least, remember that your +condescension is annulled by the manner in which you treat her. + +“A lady--beautiful word!--is a delicate creature, one who should be +reverenced and delicately treated. It is, therefore, unpardonable to +rush about in a quadrille, to catch hold of a lady’s hand as if it were +a door-handle, or to drag her furiously across the room, as if you were +Bluebeard and she Fatima, with the mysterious closet opposite to you. +This _brusque_ violent style of dancing is, unfortunately, common, but +immediately stamps a man. Though I would not have you wear a perpetual +simper, you should certainly smile when you take a lady’s hand, and the +old custom of bowing in doing so, is one that we may regret; for, does +she not confer an honor on us by the action? To squeeze it, on the +other hand, is a gross familiarity, for which you would deserve to be +kicked out of the room. + +“‘Steps,’ as the _chasser_ of the quadrille is called, belong to a past +age, and even ladies are now content to walk through a quadrille. It is, +however, necessary to keep time with the music, the great object being +the general harmony. To preserve this, it is also advisable, where the +quadrille, as is now generally the case, is danced by two long lines of +couples down the room, that in _l’été_, and other figures, in which a +gentleman and lady advance alone to meet one another, none but gentlemen +should advance from the one side, and, therefore, none but ladies from +the other. + +“Dancing masters find it convenient to introduce new figures, and the +fashion of _La Trénise_ and the _Grande Ronde_ is repeatedly changing. +It is wise to know the last mode, but not to insist on dancing it. A +quadrille cannot go on evenly if any confusion arises from the +ignorance, obstinacy, or inattention of any one of the dancers. It is +therefore useful to know every way in which a figure may be danced, and +to take your cue from the others. It is amusing, however, to find how +even such a trifle as a choice of figures in a quadrille can help to +mark caste, and give a handle for supercilious sneers. Jones, the other +day, was protesting that the Browns were ‘vulgar.’ ‘Why so? they are +well-bred.’ ‘Yes, so they are.’ ‘They are well-informed.’ ‘Certainly.’ +‘They are polite, speak good English, dress quietly and well, are +graceful and even elegant.’ ‘I grant you all that.’ ‘Then what fault can +you find with them?’ ‘My dear fellow, they are people who gallop round +in the last figure of a quadrille,’ he replied, triumphantly. But to a +certain extent Jones is right. Where a choice is given, the man of taste +will always select for a quadrille (as it is a conversational dance) the +quieter mode of performing a figure, and so the Browns, if perfect in +other respects, at least were wanting in taste. There is one alteration +lately introduced from France, which I sincerely trust, will be +universally accepted. The farce of that degrading little performance +called ‘setting’--where you dance before your partner somewhat like Man +Friday before Robinson Crusoe, and then as if your feelings were +overcome, seize her hands and whirl her round--has been finally +abolished by a decree of Fashion, and thus more opportunity is given for +conversation, and in a crowded room you have no occasion to crush +yourself and partner between the couples on each side of you. + +“I do not attempt to deny that the quadrille, as now walked, is +ridiculous; the figures, which might be graceful, if performed in a +lively manner, have entirely lost their spirit, and are become a +burlesque of dancing; but, at the same time, it is a most valuable +dance. Old and young, stout and thin, good dancers and bad, lazy and +active, stupid and clever, married and single, can all join in it, and +have not only an excuse and opportunity for _tête-à-tête_ conversation, +which is decidedly the easiest, but find encouragement in the music, and +in some cases convenient breaks in the necessity of dancing. A person of +few ideas has time to collect them while the partner is performing, and +one of many can bring them out with double effect. Lastly, if you wish +to be polite or friendly to an acquaintance who dances atrociously, you +can select a quadrille for him or her, as the case may be. + +“Very different in object and principle are the so-called round dances, +and there are great limitations as to those who should join in them. +Here the intention is to enjoy a peculiar physical movement under +peculiar conditions, and the conversation during the intervals of rest +is only a secondary object. These dances demand activity and lightness, +and should therefore be, as a rule, confined to the young. An old man +sacrifices all his dignity in a polka, and an old woman is ridiculous in +a waltz. Corpulency, too, is generally a great impediment, though some +stout people prove to be the lightest dancers. + +“The morality of round dances scarcely comes within my province. They +certainly can be made very indelicate; so can any dance, and the French +_cancan_ proves that the quadrille is no safer in this respect than the +waltz. But it is a gross insult to our daughters and sisters to suppose +them capable of any but the most innocent and purest enjoyment in the +dance, while of our young men I will say, that to the pure all things +are pure. Those who see harm in it, are those in whose mind evil +thoughts must have arisen. _Honi soit qui mal y pense._ Those who rail +against dancing are perhaps not aware that they do but follow in the +steps of the Romish Church. In many parts of the Continent, bishops who +have never danced in their lives, and perhaps never seen a dance, have +laid a ban of excommunication on waltzing. A story was told to me in +Normandy of the worthy Bishop of Bayeux, one of this number. A priest +of his diocese petitioned him to put down round dances. ‘I know nothing +about them,’ replied the prelate, ‘I have never seen a waltz.’ Upon this +the younger ecclesiastic attempted to explain what it was and wherein +the danger lay, but the bishop could not see it. ‘Will Monseigneur +permit me to show him?’ asked the priest. ‘Certainly. My chaplain here +appears to understand the subject; let me see you two waltz.’ How the +reverend gentlemen came to know so much about it does not appear, but +they certainly danced a polka, a gallop, and a _trois-temps_ waltz. ‘All +these seem harmless enough.’ ‘Oh! but Monseigneur has not seen the +worst;’ and thereupon the two gentlemen proceeded to flounder through a +_valse à deux-temps_. They must have murdered it terribly, for they were +not half round the room when his Lordship cried out, ‘Enough, enough, +that is atrocious, and deserves excommunication.’ Accordingly this waltz +was forbid, while the other dances were allowed. I was at a public ball +at Caen soon after this occurrence, and was amused to find the +_trois-temps_ danced with a peculiar shuffle, by way of compromise +between conscience and pleasure. + +“There are people in this country whose logic is as good as that of the +Bishop of Bayeux, but I confess my inability to understand it. If there +is impropriety in round dances, there is the same in all. But to the +waltz, which poets have praised and preachers denounced. The French, +with all their love of danger, waltz atrociously, the English but little +better; the Germans and Russians alone understand it. I could rave +through three pages about the innocent enjoyment of a good waltz, its +grace and beauty, but I will be practical instead, and give you a few +hints on the subject. + +“The position is the most important point. The lady and gentleman before +starting should stand exactly opposite to one another, quite upright, +and not, as is so common, painfully close to one another. If the man’s +hand be placed where it should be, at the centre of the lady’s waist, +and not all round it, he will have as firm a hold and not be obliged to +stoop, or bend to his right. The lady’s head should then be turned a +little towards her left shoulder, and her partner’s somewhat less +towards his right, in order to preserve the proper balance. Nothing can +be more atrocious than to see a lady lay her head on her partner’s +shoulder; but, on the other hand, she will not dance well, if she turns +it in the opposite direction. The lady again should throw her head and +shoulders a little back, and the man lean a very little forward. + +“The position having been gained, the step is the next question. In +Germany the rapidity of the waltz is very great, but it is rendered +elegant by slackening the pace every now and then, and thus giving a +_crescendo_ and _decrescendo_ time to the movement. The Russian men +undertake to perform in waltzing the same feat as the Austrians in +riding, and will dance round the room with a glass of champagne in the +left hand without spilling a drop. This evenness in waltzing is +certainly very graceful, but can only be attained by a long sliding +step, which is little practised where the rooms are small, and people, +not understanding the real pleasure of dancing well, insist on dancing +all at the same time. In Germany they are so alive to the necessity of +ample space, that in large balls a rope is drawn across the room; its +two ends are held by the masters of the ceremonies _pro-tem._, and as +one couple stops and retires, another is allowed to pass under the rope +and take its place. But then in Germany they dance for the dancing’s +sake. However this may be, an even motion is very desirable, and all the +abominations which militate against it, such as hop-waltzes, the +Schottische, and ridiculous _Varsovienne_, are justly put down in good +society. The pace, again, should not be sufficiently rapid to endanger +other couples. It is the gentleman’s duty to _steer_, and in crowded +rooms nothing is more trying. He must keep his eyes open and turn them +in every direction, if he would not risk a collision, and the chance of +a fall, or what is as bad, the infliction of a wound on his partner’s +arm. I have seen a lady’s arm cut open in such a collision by the +bracelet of that of another lady; and the sight is by no means a +pleasant one in a ball room, to say nothing of a new dress covered in a +moment with blood. + +“The consequences of violent dancing may be really serious. Not only do +delicate girls bring on, thereby, a violent palpitation of the heart, +and their partners appear in a most disagreeable condition of solution, +but dangerous falls ensue from it. I have known instances of a lady’s +head being laid open, and a gentleman’s foot being broken in such a +fall, resulting, poor fellow! in lameness for life. + +“It is, perhaps, useless to recommend flat-foot waltzing in this +country, where ladies allow themselves to be almost hugged by their +partners, and where men think it necessary to lift a lady almost off the +ground, but I am persuaded that if it were introduced, the outcry +against the impropriety of waltzing would soon cease. Nothing can be +more delicate than the way in which a German holds his partner. It is +impossible to dance on the flat foot unless the lady and gentleman are +quite free of one another. His hand, therefore, goes no further round +her waist than to the hooks and eyes of her dress, hers, no higher than +to his elbow. Thus danced, the waltz is smooth, graceful, and delicate, +and we could never in Germany complain of our daughter’s languishing on +a young man’s shoulder. On the other hand, nothing is more graceless and +absurd than to see a man waltzing on the tips of his toes, lifting his +partner off the ground, or twirling round and round with her like the +figures on a street organ. The test of waltzing in time is to be able to +stamp the time with the left foot. A good flat-foot waltzer can dance on +one foot as well as on two, but I would not advise him to try it in +public, lest, like Mr. Rarey’s horse on three legs, he should come to +the ground in a luckless moment. The legs should be very little bent in +dancing, the body still less so. I do not know whether it be worse to +see a man _sit down_ in a waltz, or to find him with his head poked +forward over your young wife’s shoulder, hot, red, wild, and in far too +close proximity to the partner of your bosom, whom he makes literally +the partner of his own. + +“The ‘Lancers’ are a revival, after many long years, and, perhaps, we +may soon have a drawing-room adaptation of the Morris-dance. + +“The only advice, therefore, which it is necessary to give to those who +wish to dance the polka may be summed up in one word, ‘don’t.’ Not so +with the galop. The remarks as to the position in waltzing apply to all +round dances, and there is, therefore, little to add with regard to the +galop, except that it is a great mistake to suppose it to be a rapid +dance. It should be danced as slowly as possible. It will then be more +graceful and less fatiguing. It is danced quite slowly in Germany and on +the flat foot. The polka-mazurka is still much danced, and is certainly +very graceful. The remarks on the quadrille apply equally to the +lancers, which are great favorites, and threaten to take the place of +the former. The schottische, hop-waltz, redowa, varsovienne, cellarius, +and so forth, have had their day, and are no longer danced in good +society. + +“The calm ease which marks the man of good taste, makes even the +swiftest dances graceful and agreeable. Vehemence may be excused at an +election, but not in a ball room. I once asked a beautiful and very +clever young lady how she, who seemed to pass her life with books, +managed to dance so well. ‘I enjoy it,’ she replied; ‘and when I dance I +give my _whole mind_ to it.’ And she was quite right. Whatever is worth +doing at all, is worth doing well; and if it is not beneath your dignity +to dance, it is not unworthy of your mind to give itself, for the time, +wholly up to it. You will never enjoy dancing till you do it well; and, +if you do not enjoy it, it is folly to dance. But, in reality, dancing, +if it be a mere trifle, is one to which great minds have not been +ashamed to stoop. Locke, for instance, has written on its utility, and +speaks of it as manly, which was certainly not Michal’s opinion, when +she looked out of the window and saw her lord and master dancing and +playing. Plato recommended it, and Socrates learned the Athenian polka +of the day when quite an old gentleman, and liked it very much. Some one +has even gone the length of calling it ‘the logic of the body;’ and +Addison defends himself for making it the subject of a disquisition.” + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +DRESS. + + +Between the sloven and the coxcomb there is generally a competition +which shall be the more contemptible: the one in the total neglect of +every thing which might make his appearance in public supportable, and +the other in the cultivation of every superfluous ornament. The former +offends by his negligence and dirt, and the latter by his finery and +perfumery. Each entertains a supreme contempt for the other, and while +both are right in their opinion, both are wrong in their practice. It is +not in either extreme that the man of real elegance and refinement will +be shown, but in the happy medium which allows taste and judgment to +preside over the wardrobe and toilet-table, while it prevents too great +an attention to either, and never allows personal appearance to become +the leading object of life. + +The French have a proverb, “It is not the cowl which makes the monk,” +and it might be said with equal truth, “It is not the dress which makes +the gentleman,” yet, as the monk is known abroad by his cowl, so the +true gentleman will let the refinement of his mind and education be seen +in his dress. + +The first rule for the guidance of a man, in matters of dress, should +be, “Let the dress suit the occasion.” It is as absurd for a man to go +into the street in the morning with his dress-coat, white kid gloves, +and dancing-boots, as it would be for a lady to promenade the +fashionable streets, in full evening dress, or for the same man to +present himself in the ball-room with heavy walking-boots, a great coat, +and riding-cap. + +It is true that there is little opportunity for a gentleman to exercise +his taste for coloring, in the black and white dress which fashion so +imperatively declares to be the proper dress for a _dress_ occasion. He +may indulge in light clothes in the street during the warm months of the +year, but for the ball or evening party, black and white are the only +colors (or no colors) admissible, and in the midst of the gay dresses of +the ladies, the unfortunate man in his sombre dress appears like a demon +who has found his way into Paradise among the angels. _N’importe!_ Men +should be useful to the women, and how can they be better employed than +acting as a foil for their loveliness of face and dress! + +Notwithstanding the dress, however, a man may make himself agreeable, +even in the earthly Paradise, a ball-room. He can rise above the +mourning of his coat, to the joyousness of the occasion, and make +himself valued for himself, not his dress. He can make himself admired +for his wit, not his toilette; his elegance and refinement, not the +price of his clothes. + +There is another good rule for the dressing-room: While you are engaged +in dressing give your whole attention to it. See that every detail is +perfect, and that each article is neatly arranged. From the curl of +your hair to the tip of your boot, let all be perfect in its make and +arrangement, but, as soon as you have left your mirror, forget your +dress. Nothing betokens the coxcomb more decidedly than to see a man +always fussing about his dress, pulling down his wristbands, playing +with his moustache, pulling up his shirt collar, or arranging the bow of +his cravat. Once dressed, do not attempt to alter any part of your +costume until you are again in the dressing-room. + +In a gentleman’s dress any attempt to be conspicuous is in excessively +bad taste. If you are wealthy, let the luxury of your dress consist in +the fine quality of each article, and in the spotless purity of gloves +and linen, but never wear much jewelry or any article conspicuous on +account of its money value. Simplicity should always preside over the +gentleman’s wardrobe. + +Follow fashion as far as is necessary to avoid eccentricity or oddity in +your costume, but avoid the extreme of the prevailing _mode_. If coats +are worn long, yours need not sweep the ground, if they are loose, yours +may still have some fitness for your figure; if pantaloons are cut large +over the boot, yours need not cover the whole foot, if they are tight, +you may still take room to walk. Above all, let your figure and style of +face have some weight in deciding how far you are to follow fashion. For +a very tall man to wear a high, narrow-brimmed hat, long-tailed coat, +and tight pantaloons, with a pointed beard and hair brushed up from the +forehead, is not more absurd than for a short, fat man, to promenade the +street in a low, broad-brimmed hat, loose coat and pants, and the +latter made of large plaid material, and yet burlesques quite as broad +may be met with every day. + +An English writer, ridiculing the whims of Fashion, says:-- + +“To be in the fashion, an Englishman must wear six pairs of gloves in a +day: + +“In the morning, he must drive his hunting wagon in reindeer gloves. + +“In hunting, he must wear gloves of chamois skin. + +“To enter London in his tilbury, beaver skin gloves. + +“Later in the day, to promenade in Hyde Park, colored kid gloves, dark. + +“When he dines out, colored kid gloves, light. + +“For the ball-room, white kid gloves.” + +Thus his yearly bill for gloves alone will amount to a most extravagant +sum. + +In order to merit the appellation of a well-dressed man, you must pay +attention, not only to the more prominent articles of your wardrobe, +coat, pants, and vest, but to the more minute details. A shirtfront +which fits badly, a pair of wristbands too wide or too narrow, a badly +brushed hat, a shabby pair of gloves, or an ill-fitting boot, will spoil +the most elaborate costume. Purity of skin, teeth, nails; well brushed +hair; linen fresh and snowy white, will make clothes of the coarsest +material, if well made, look more elegant, than the finest material of +cloth, if these details are neglected. + +Frequent bathing, careful attention to the teeth, nails, ears, and hair, +are indispensable to a finished toilette. + +Use but very little perfume, much of it is in bad taste. + +Let your hair, beard, and moustache, be always perfectly smooth, well +arranged, and scrupulously clean. + +It is better to clean the teeth with a piece of sponge, or very soft +brush, than with a stiff brush, and there is no dentifrice so good as +White Castile Soap. + +Wear always gloves and boots, which fit well and are fresh and whole. +Soiled or torn gloves and boots ruin a costume otherwise faultless. + +Extreme propriety should be observed in dress. Be careful to dress +according to your means. Too great saving is meanness, too great expense +is extravagance. + +A young man may follow the fashion farther than a middle-aged or elderly +man, but let him avoid going to the extreme of the mode, if he would not +be taken for an empty headed fop. + +It is best to employ a good tailor, as a suit of coarse broadcloth which +fits you perfectly, and is stylish in cut, will make a more elegant +dress than the finest material badly made. + +Avoid eccentricity; it marks, not the man of genius, but the fool. + +A well brushed hat, and glossy boots must be always worn in the street. + +White gloves are the only ones to be worn with full dress. + +A snuff box, watch, studs, sleeve-buttons, watch-chain, and one ring are +all the jewelry a well-dressed man can wear. + +An English author, in a recent work, gives the following rules for a +gentleman’s dress: + +“The best bath for general purposes, and one which can do little harm, +and almost always some good, is a sponge bath. It should consist of a +large, flat metal basin, some four feet in diameter, filled with cold +water. Such a vessel may be bought for about fifteen shillings. A large, +coarse sponge--the coarser the better--will cost another five or seven +shillings, and a few Turkish towels complete the ‘properties.’ The water +should be plentiful and fresh, that is, brought up a little while before +the bath is to be used; not placed over night in the bed-room. Let us +wash and be merry, for we know not how soon the supply of that precious +article which here costs nothing may be cut off. In many continental +towns they buy their water, and on a protracted sea voyage the ration is +often reduced to half a pint a day _for all purposes_, so that a pint +per diem is considered luxurious. Sea-water, we may here observe, does +not cleanse, and a sensible man who bathes in the sea will take a bath +of pure water immediately after it. This practice is shamefully +neglected, and I am inclined to think that in many cases a sea-bath will +do more harm than good without it, but, if followed by a fresh bath, +cannot but be advantageous. + +“Taking the sponge bath as the best for ordinary purposes, we must point +out some rules in its use. The sponge being nearly a foot in length, and +six inches broad, must be allowed to fill completely with water, and the +part of the body which should be first attacked is the stomach. It is +there that the most heat has collected during the night, and the +application of cold water quickens the circulation at once, and sends +the blood which has been employed in digestion round the whole body. The +head should next be soused, unless the person be of full habit, when the +head should be attacked before the feet touch the cold water at all. +Some persons use a small hand shower bath, which is less powerful than +the common shower bath, and does almost as much good. The use of soap in +the morning bath is an open question. I confess a preference for a rough +towel, or a hair glove. Brummell patronized the latter, and applied it +for nearly a quarter of an hour every morning. + +“The ancients followed up the bath by anointing the body, and athletic +exercises. The former is a mistake; the latter, an excellent practice, +shamefully neglected in the present day. It would conduce much to health +and strength if every morning toilet comprised the vigorous use of the +dumb-bells, or, still better, the exercise of the arms without them. The +best plan of all is, to choose some object in your bed-room on which to +vent your hatred, and box at it violently for some ten minutes, till the +perspiration covers you. The sponge must then be again applied to the +whole body. It is very desirable to remain without clothing as long as +possible, and I should therefore recommend that every part of the toilet +which can conveniently be performed without dressing, should be so. + +“The next duty, then, must be to clean the TEETH. Dentists are modern +inquisitors, but their torture-rooms are meant only for the foolish. +Everybody is born with good teeth, and everybody might keep them good by +a proper diet, and the avoidance of sweets and smoking. Of the two the +former are, perhaps, the more dangerous. Nothing ruins the teeth so soon +as sugar in one’s tea, and highly sweetened tarts and puddings, and as +it is _le premier pas qui coûte_, these should be particularly avoided +in childhood. When the teeth attain their full growth and strength it +takes much more to destroy either their enamel or their substance. + +“It is upon the teeth that the effects of excess are first seen, and it +is upon the teeth that the odor of the breath depends. If I may not say +that it is a Christian duty to keep your teeth clean, I may, at least, +remind you that you cannot be thoroughly agreeable without doing so. Let +words be what they may, if they come with an impure odor, they cannot +please. The butterfly loves the scent of the rose more than its honey. + +“The teeth should be well rubbed inside as well as outside, and the back +teeth even more than the front. The mouth should then be rinsed, if not +seven times, according to the Hindu legislator, at least several times, +with fresh, cold water. This same process should be repeated several +times a day, since eating, smoking, and so forth, naturally render the +teeth and mouth dirty more or less, and nothing can be so offensive, +particularly to ladies, whose sense of smell seems to be keener than +that of the other sex, and who can detect at your first approach whether +you have been drinking or smoking. But, if only for your own comfort, +you should brush your teeth both morning and evening, which is quite +requisite for the preservation of their soundness and color; while, if +you are to mingle with others, they should be brushed, or, at least, +the mouth well rinsed after every meal, still more after smoking, or +drinking wine, beer, or spirits. No amount of general attractiveness can +compensate for an offensive odor in the breath; and none of the senses +is so fine a gentleman, none so unforgiving, if offended, as that of +smell. + +“Strict attention must be paid to the condition of the nails, and that +both as regards cleaning and cutting. The former is best done with a +liberal supply of soap on a small nail-brush, which should be used +before every meal, if you would not injure your neighbor’s appetite. +While the hand is still moist, the point of a small pen-knife or pair of +stumpy nail-scissors should be passed under the nails so as to remove +every vestige of dirt; the skin should be pushed down with a towel, that +the white half-moon may be seen, and the finer skin removed with the +knife or scissors. Occasionally the edges of the nails should be filed, +and the hard skin which forms round the corners of them cut away. The +important point in cutting the nails is to preserve the beauty of their +shape. That beauty, even in details, is worth preserving, I have already +remarked, and we may study it as much in paring our nails, as in the +grace of our attitudes, or any other point. The shape, then, of the nail +should approach, as nearly as possible, to the oblong. The length of the +nail is an open question. Let it be often cut, but always long, in my +opinion. Above all, let it be well cut, and _never_ bitten. + +“Perhaps you tell me these are childish details. Details, yes, but not +childish. The attention to details is the true sign of a great mind, and +he who can in necessity consider the smallest, is the same man who can +compass the largest subjects. Is not life made up of details? Must not +the artist who has conceived a picture, descend from the dream of his +mind to mix colors on a palette? Must not the great commander who is +bowling down nations and setting up monarchies care for the health and +comfort, the bread and beef of each individual soldier? I have often +seen a great poet, whom I knew personally, counting on his fingers the +feet of his verses, and fretting with anything but poetic language, +because he could not get his sense into as many syllables. What if his +nails were dirty? Let genius talk of abstract beauty, and philosophers +dogmatize on order. If they do not keep their nails clean, I shall call +them both charlatans. The man who really loves beauty will cultivate it +in everything around him. The man who upholds order is not conscientious +if he cannot observe it in his nails. The great mind can afford to +descend to details; it is only the weak mind that fears to be narrowed +by them. When Napoleon was at Munich he declined the grand four-poster +of the Witelsbach family, and slept, as usual, in his little camp-bed. +The power to be little is a proof of greatness. + +“For the hands, ears, and neck we want something more than the bath, +and, as these parts are exposed and really lodge fugitive pollutions, we +cannot use too much soap, or give too much trouble to their complete +purification. Nothing is lovelier than a woman’s small, white, +shell-like ear; few things reconcile us better to earth than the cold +hand and warm heart of a friend; but, to complete the charm, the hand +should be both clean and soft. Warm water, a liberal use of the +nail-brush, and no stint of soap, produce this amenity far more +effectually than honey, cold cream, and almond paste. Of wearing gloves +I shall speak elsewhere, but for weak people who are troubled with +chilblains, they are indispensable all the year round. I will add a good +prescription for the cure of chilblains, which are both a disfigurement, +and one of the _petites misères_ of human life. + +“‘Roll the fingers in linen bandages, sew them up well, and dip them +twice or thrice a day in a mixture, consisting of half a fluid ounce of +tincture of capsicum, and a fluid ounce of tincture of opium.’ + +“The person who invented razors libelled Nature, and added a fresh +misery to the days of man. + +“Whatever _Punch_ may say, the moustache and beard movement is one in +the right direction, proving that men are beginning to appreciate beauty +and to acknowledge that Nature is the best valet. But it is very amusing +to hear men excusing their vanity on the plea of health, and find them +indulging in the hideous ‘Newgate frill’ as a kind of compromise between +the beard and the razor. There was a time when it was thought a +presumption and vanity to wear one’s own hair instead of the frightful +elaborations of the wig-makers, and the false curls which Sir Godfrey +Kneller did his best to make graceful on canvas. Who knows that at some +future age some _Punch_ of the twenty-first century may not ridicule the +wearing of one’s own teeth instead of the dentist’s? At any rate Nature +knows best, and no man need be ashamed of showing his manhood in the +hair of his face. Of razors and shaving, therefore, I shall only speak +from necessity, because, until everybody is sensible on this point, they +will still be used. + +“Napoleon shaved himself. ‘A born king,’ said he, ‘has another to shave +him. A made king can use his own razor.’ But the war he made on his chin +was very different to that he made on foreign potentates. He took a very +long time to effect it, talking between whiles to his hangers-on. The +great man, however, was right, and every sensible man will shave +himself, if only as an exercise of character, for a man should learn to +live, in every detail without assistance. Moreover, in most cases, we +shave ourselves better than barbers can do. If we shave at all, we +should do it thoroughly, and every morning. Nothing, except a frown and +a hay-fever, makes the face look so unlovely as a chin covered with +short stubble. The chief requirements are hot water, a large, soft brush +of badger hair, a good razor, soft soap that will not dry rapidly, and a +steady hand. Cheap razors are a fallacy. They soon lose their edge, and +no amount of stropping will restore it. A good razor needs no strop. If +you can afford it, you should have a case of seven razors, one for each +day of the week, so that no one shall be too much used. There are now +much used packets of papers of a certain kind on which to wipe the +razor, and which keep its edge keen, and are a substitute for the strop. + +“Beards, moustaches, and whiskers, have always been most important +additions to the face. In the present day literary men are much given to +their growth, and in that respect show at once their taste and their +vanity. Let no man be ashamed of his beard, if it be well kept and not +fantastically cut. The moustache should be kept within limits. The +Hungarians wear it so long that they can tie the ends round their heads. +The style of the beard should be adopted to suit the face. A broad face +should wear a large, full one; a long face is improved by a +sharp-pointed one. Taylor, the water poet, wrote verses on the various +styles, and they are almost numberless. The chief point is to keep the +beard well-combed and in neat trim. + +“As to whiskers, it is not every man who can achieve a pair of full +length. There is certainly a great vanity about them, but it may be +generally said that foppishness should be avoided in this as in most +other points. Above all, the whiskers should never be curled, nor pulled +out to an absurd length. Still worse is it to cut them close with the +scissors. The moustache should be neat and not too large, and such +fopperies as cutting the points thereof, or twisting them up to the +fineness of needles--though patronized by the Emperor of the French--are +decidedly a proof of vanity. If a man wear the hair on his face which +nature has given him, in the manner that nature distributes it, keeps it +clean, and prevents its overgrowth, he cannot do wrong. All +extravagances are vulgar, because they are evidence of a pretence to +being better than you are; but a single extravagance unsupported is +perhaps worse than a number together, which have at least the merit of +consistency. If you copy puppies in the half-yard of whisker, you should +have their dress and their manner too, if you would not appear doubly +absurd. + +“The same remarks apply to the arrangement of the hair in men, which +should be as simple and as natural as possible, but at the same time a +little may be granted to beauty and the requirements of the face. For my +part I can see nothing unmanly in wearing long hair, though undoubtedly +it is inconvenient and a temptation to vanity, while its arrangement +would demand an amount of time and attention which is unworthy of a man. +But every nation and every age has had a different custom in this +respect, and to this day even in Europe the hair is sometimes worn long. +The German student is particularly partial to hyacinthine locks curling +over a black velvet coat; and the peasant of Brittany looks very +handsome, if not always clean, with his love-locks hanging straight down +under a broad cavalier hat. Religion has generally taken up the matter +severely. The old fathers preached and railed against wigs, the +Calvinists raised an insurrection in Bordeaux on the same account, and +English Roundheads consigned to an unmentionable place every man who +allowed his hair to grow according to nature. The Romans condemned +tresses as unmanly, and in France in the middle ages the privilege to +wear them was confined to royalty. Our modern custom was a revival of +the French revolution, so that in this respect we are now republican as +well as puritanical. + +“If we conform to fashion we should at least make the best of it, and +since the main advantage of short hair is its neatness, we should take +care to keep ours neat. This should be done first by frequent visits to +the barber, for if the hair is to be short at all it should be very +short, and nothing looks more untidy than long, stiff, uncurled masses +sticking out over the ears. If it curls naturally so much the better, +but if not it will be easier to keep in order. The next point is to wash +the head every morning, which, when once habitual, is a great +preservative against cold. A pair of large brushes, hard or soft, as +your case requires, should be used, not to hammer the head with, but to +pass up under the hair so as to reach the roots. As to pomatum, +Macassar, and other inventions of the hair-dresser, I have only to say +that, if used at all, it should be in moderation, and never sufficiently +to make their scent perceptible in company. Of course the arrangement +will be a matter of individual taste, but as the middle of the hair is +the natural place for a parting, it is rather a silly prejudice to think +a man vain who parts his hair in the centre. He is less blamable than +one who is too lazy to part it at all, and has always the appearance of +having just got up. + +“Of wigs and false hair, the subject of satires and sermons since the +days of the Roman Emperors, I shall say nothing here except that they +are a practical falsehood which may sometimes be necessary, but is +rarely successful. For my part I prefer the snows of life’s winter to +the best made peruke, and even a bald head to an inferior wig. + +“When gentlemen wore armor, and disdained the use of their legs, an +esquire was a necessity; and we can understand that, in the days of the +Beaux, the word “gentleman” meant a man and his valet. I am glad to say +that in the present day it only takes one man to make a gentleman, or, +at most, a man and a ninth--that is, including the tailor. It is an +excellent thing for the character to be neat and orderly, and, if a man +neglects to be so in his room, he is open to the same temptation sooner +or later in his person. A dressing-case is, therefore, a desideratum. A +closet to hang up cloth clothes, which should never be folded, and a +small dressing-room next to the bed-room, are not so easily attainable. +But the man who throws his clothes about the room, a boot in one corner, +a cravat in another, and his brushes anywhere, is not a man of good +habits. The spirit of order should extend to everything about him. + +“This brings me to speak of certain necessities of dress; the first of +which I shall take is appropriateness. The age of the individual is an +important consideration in this respect; and a man of sixty is as absurd +in the style of nineteen as a young man in the high cravat of Brummell’s +day. I know a gallant colonel who is master of the ceremonies in a gay +watering-place, and who, afraid of the prim old-fashioned _tournure_ of +his _confrères_ in similar localities, is to be seen, though his hair is +gray and his age not under five-and-sixty, in a light cut-away, the +‘peg-top’ continuations, and a turned-down collar. It may be what +younger blades will wear when they reach his age, but in the present day +the effect is ridiculous. We may, therefore, give as a general rule, +that after the turning-point of life a man should eschew the changes of +fashion in his own attire, while he avoids complaining of it in the +young. In the latter, on the other hand, the observance of these changes +must depend partly on his taste and partly on his position. If wise, he +will adopt with alacrity any new fashions which improve the grace, the +ease, the healthfulness, and the convenience of his garments. He will +be glad of greater freedom in the cut of his cloth clothes, of boots +with elastic sides instead of troublesome buttons or laces, of the +privilege to turn down his collar, and so forth, while he will avoid as +extravagant, elaborate shirt-fronts, gold bindings on the waistcoat, and +expensive buttons. On the other hand, whatever his age, he will have +some respect to his profession and position in society. He will remember +how much the appearance of the man aids a judgment of his character, and +this test, which has often been cried down, is in reality no bad one; +for a man who does not dress appropriately evinces a want of what is +most necessary to professional men--tact and discretion. + +“Position in society demands appropriateness. Well knowing the worldly +value of a good coat, I would yet never recommend a man of limited means +to aspire to a fashionable appearance. In the first place, he becomes +thereby a walking falsehood; in the second, he cannot, without running +into debt, which is another term for dishonesty, maintain the style he +has adopted. As he cannot afford to change his suits as rapidly as +fashion alters, he must avoid following it in varying details. He will +rush into wide sleeves one month, in the hope of being fashionable, and +before his coat is worn out, the next month will bring in a narrow +sleeve. We cannot, unfortunately, like Samuel Pepys, take a long cloak +now-a-days to the tailor’s, to be cut into a short one, ‘long cloaks +being now quite out,’ as he tells us. Even when there is no poverty in +the case, our position must not be forgotten. The tradesman will win +neither customers nor friends by adorning himself in the mode of the +club-lounger, and the clerk, or commercial traveler, who dresses +fashionably, lays himself open to inquiries as to his antecedents, which +he may not care to have investigated. In general, it may be said that +there is vulgarity in dressing like those of a class above us, since it +must be taken as a proof of pretension. + +“As it is bad taste to flaunt the airs of the town among the +provincials, who know nothing of them, it is worse taste to display the +dress of a city in the quiet haunts of the rustics. The law, that all +attempts at distinction by means of dress is vulgar and pretentious, +would be sufficient argument against wearing city fashions in the +country. + +“While in most cases a rougher and easier mode of dress is both +admissible and desirable in the country, there are many occasions of +country visiting where a town man finds it difficult to decide. It is +almost peculiar to the country to unite the amusements of the daytime +with those of the evening; of the open air with those of the +drawing-room. Thus, in the summer, when the days are long, you will be +asked to a pic-nic or an archery party, which will wind up with dancing +in-doors, and may even assume the character of a ball. If you are aware +of this beforehand, it will always be safe to send your evening dress to +your host’s house, and you will learn from the servants whether others +have done the same, and whether, therefore, you will not be singular in +asking leave to change your costume. But if you are ignorant how the day +is to end, you must be guided partly by the hour of invitation, and +partly by the extent of your intimacy with the family. I have actually +known gentlemen arrive at a large pic-nic at mid-day in complete evening +dress, and pitied them with all my heart, compelled as they were to +suffer, in tight black clothes, under a hot sun for eight hours, and +dance after all in the same dress. On the other hand, if you are asked +to come an hour or two before sunset, after six in summer, in the autumn +after five, you cannot err by appearing in evening dress. It is always +taken as a compliment to do so, and if your acquaintance with your +hostess is slight, it would be almost a familiarity to do otherwise. In +any case you desire to avoid singularity, so that if you can discover +what others who are invited intend to wear, you can always decide on +your own attire. In Europe there is a convenient rule for these matters; +never appear after four in the afternoon in morning dress; but then gray +trousers are there allowed instead of black, and white waistcoats are +still worn in the evening. At any rate, it is possible to effect a +compromise between the two styles of costume, and if you are likely to +be called upon to dance in the evening, it will be well to wear thin +boots, a black frock-coat, and a small black neck-tie, and to put a pair +of clean white gloves in your pocket. You will thus be at least less +conspicuous in the dancing-room than in a light tweed suit. + +“Not so the distinction to be made according to size. As a rule, tall +men require long clothes--some few perhaps even in the nurse’s sense of +those words--and short men short clothes. On the other hand, Falstaff +should beware of Jenny Wren coats and affect ample wrappers, while Peter +Schlemihl, and the whole race of thin men, must eschew looseness as +much in their garments as their morals. + +“Lastly we come to what is appropriate to different occasions, and as +this is an important subject, I shall treat of it separately. For the +present it is sufficient to point out that, while every man should avoid +not only extravagance, but even brilliance of dress on ordinary +occasions, there are some on which he may and ought to pay more +attention to his toilet, and attempt to look gay. Of course, the +evenings are not here meant. For evening dress there is a fixed rule, +from which we can depart only to be foppish or vulgar; but in morning +dress there is greater liberty, and when we undertake to mingle with +those who are assembled avowedly for gayety, we should not make +ourselves remarkable by the dinginess of our dress. Such occasions are +open air entertainments, _fêtes_, flower-shows, archery-meetings, +_matinées_, and _id genus omne_, where much of the pleasure to be +derived depends on the general effect on the enjoyers, and where, if we +cannot pump up a look of mirth, we should, at least, if we go at all, +wear the semblance of it in our dress. I have a worthy little friend, +who, I believe, is as well disposed to his kind as Lord Shaftesbury +himself, but who, for some reason, perhaps a twinge of philosophy about +him, frequents the gay meetings to which he is asked in an old coat and +a wide-awake. Some people take him for a wit, but he soon shows that he +does not aspire to that character; others for a philosopher, but he is +too good-mannered for that; others, poor man! pronounce him a cynic, and +all are agreed that whatever he may be, he looks out of place, and +spoils the general effect. I believe, in my heart, that he is the +mildest of men, but will not take the trouble to dress more than once a +day. At any rate, he has a character for eccentricity, which, I am sure, +is precisely what he would wish to avoid. That character is a most +delightful one for a bachelor, and it is generally Cœlebs who holds it, +for it has been proved by statistics that there are four single to one +married man among the inhabitants of our madhouses; but eccentricity +yields a reputation which requires something to uphold it, and even in +Diogenes of the Tub it was extremely bad taste to force himself into +Plato’s evening party without sandals, and nothing but a dirty tunic on +him. + +“Another requisite in dress is its simplicity, with which I may couple +harmony of color. This simplicity is the only distinction which a man of +taste should aspire to in the matter of dress, but a simplicity in +appearance must proceed from a nicety in reality. One should not be +simply ill-dressed, but simply well-dressed. Lord Castlereagh would +never have been pronounced the most distinguished man in the gay court +of Vienna, because he wore no orders or ribbons among hundreds decorated +with a profusion of those vanities, but because besides this he was +dressed with taste. The charm of Brummell’s dress was its simplicity; +yet it cost him as much thought, time, and care as the portfolio of a +minister. The rules of simplicity, therefore, are the rules of taste. +All extravagance, all splendor, and all profusion must be avoided. The +colors, in the first place, must harmonize both with our complexion and +with one another; perhaps most of all with the color of our hair. All +bright colors should be avoided, such as red, yellow, sky-blue, and +bright green. Perhaps only a successful Australian gold digger would +think of choosing such colors for his coat, waistcoat, or trousers; but +there are hundreds of young men who might select them for their gloves +and neck-ties. The deeper colors are, some how or other, more manly, and +are certainly less striking. The same simplicity should be studied in +the avoidance of ornamentation. A few years ago it was the fashion to +trim the evening waistcoat with a border of gold lace. This is an +example of fashions always to be rebelled against. Then, too, +extravagance in the form of our dress is a sin against taste. I remember +that long ribbons took the place of neck-ties some years ago. At a +commemoration, two friends of mine determined to cut a figure in this +matter, having little else to distinguish them. The one wore two yards +of bright pink; the other the same quantity of bright blue ribbon, round +their necks. I have reason to believe they think now that they both +looked superbly ridiculous. In the same way, if the trousers are worn +wide, we should not wear them as loose as a Turk’s; or, if the sleeves +are to be open, we should not rival the ladies in this matter. And so on +through a hundred details, generally remembering that to exaggerate a +fashion is to assume a character, and therefore vulgar. The wearing of +jewelry comes under this head. Jewels are an ornament to women, but a +blemish to men. They bespeak either effeminacy or a love of display. The +hand of a man is honored in working, for labor is his mission; and the +hand that wears its riches on its fingers, has rarely worked honestly +to win them. The best jewel a man can wear is his honor. Let that be +bright and shining, well set in prudence, and all others must darken +before it. But as we are savages, and must have some silly trickery to +hang about us, a little, but very little concession may be made to our +taste in this respect. I am quite serious when I disadvise you from the +use of nose-rings, gold anklets, and hat-bands studded with jewels; for +when I see an incredulous young man of the nineteenth century, dangling +from his watch-chain a dozen silly ‘charms’ (often the only ones he +possesses), which have no other use than to give a fair coquette a +legitimate subject on which to approach to closer intimacy, and which +are revived from the lowest superstitions of dark ages, and sometimes +darker races, I am quite justified in believing that some South African +chieftain, sufficiently rich to cut a dash, might introduce with success +the most peculiar fashions of his own country. However this may be, +there are already sufficient extravagances prevalent among our young men +to attack. + +“The man of good taste will wear as little jewelry as possible. One +handsome signet-ring on the little finger of the left hand, a scarf-pin +which is neither large, nor showy, nor too intricate in its design, and +a light, rather thin watch-guard with a cross-bar, are all that he ought +to wear. But, if he aspires to more than this, he should observe the +following rules:-- + +“1. Let everything be real and good. False jewelry is not only a +practical lie, but an absolute vulgarity, since its use arises from an +attempt to appear richer or grander than its wearer is. + +“2. Let it be simple. Elaborate studs, waistcoat-buttons, and +wrist-links, are all abominable. The last, particularly, should be as +plain as possible, consisting of plain gold ovals, with, at most, the +crest engraved upon them. Diamonds and brilliants are quite unsuitable +to men, whose jewelry should never be conspicuous. If you happen to +possess a single diamond of great value you may wear it on great +occasions as a ring, but no more than one ring should ever be worn by a +gentleman. + +“3. Let it be distinguished rather by its curiosity than its brilliance. +An antique or bit of old jewelry possesses more interest, particularly +if you are able to tell its history, than the most splendid production +of the goldsmith’s shop. + +“4. Let it harmonize with the colors of your dress. + +“5. Let it have some use. Men should never, like women, wear jewels for +mere ornament, whatever may be the fashion of Hungarian noblemen, and +deposed Indian rajahs with jackets covered with rubies. + +“The precious stones are reserved for ladies, and even our scarf-pins +are more suitable without them. + +“The dress that is both appropriate and simple can never offend, nor +render its wearer conspicuous, though it may distinguish him for his +good taste. But it will not be pleasing unless clean and fresh. We +cannot quarrel with a poor gentleman’s thread-bare coat, if his linen be +pure, and we see that he has never attempted to dress beyond his means +or unsuitably to his station. But the sight of decayed gentility and +dilapidated fashion may call forth our pity, and, at the same time +prompt a moral: ‘You have evidently sunken;’ we say to ourselves; ‘But +whose fault was it? Am I not led to suppose that the extravagance which +you evidently once revelled in has brought you to what I now see you?’ +While freshness is essential to being well-dressed, it will be a +consolation to those who cannot afford a heavy tailor’s bill, to reflect +that a visible newness in one’s clothes is as bad as patches and darns, +and to remember that there have been celebrated dressers who would never +put on a new coat till it had been worn two or three times by their +valets. On the other hand, there is no excuse for untidiness, holes in +the boots, a broken hat, torn gloves, and so on. Indeed, it is better to +wear no gloves at all than a pair full of holes. There is nothing to be +ashamed of in bare hands, if they are clean, and the poor can still +afford to have their shirts and shoes mended, and their hats ironed. It +is certainly better to show signs of neatness than the reverse, and you +need sooner be ashamed of a hole than a darn. + +“Of personal cleanliness I have spoken at such length that little need +be said on that of the clothes. If you are economical with your tailor, +you can be extravagant with your laundress. The beaux of forty years +back put on three shirts a day, but except in hot weather one is +sufficient. Of course, if you change your dress in the evening you must +change your shirt too. There has been a great outcry against colored +flannel shirts in the place of linen, and the man who can wear one for +three days is looked on as little better than St. Simeon Stylites. I +should like to know how often the advocates of linen change their own +under-flannel, and whether the same rule does not apply to what is seen +as to what is concealed. But while the flannel is perhaps healthier as +absorbing the moisture more rapidly, the linen has the advantage of +_looking_ cleaner, and may therefore be preferred. As to economy, if the +flannel costs less to wash, it also wears out sooner; but, be this as it +may, a man’s wardrobe is not complete without half a dozen or so of +these shirts, which he will find most useful, and ten times more +comfortable than linen in long excursions, or when exertion will be +required. Flannel, too, has the advantage of being warm in winter and +cool in summer, for, being a non-conductor, but a retainer of heat, it +protects the body from the sun, and, on the other hand, shields it from +the cold. But the best shirt of all, particularly in winter, is that +which wily monks and hermits pretended to wear for a penance, well +knowing that they could have no garment cooler, more comfortable, or +more healthy. I mean, of course, the rough hair-shirt. Like flannel, it +is a non-conductor of heat; but then, too, it acts the part of a +shampooer, and with its perpetual friction soothes the surface of the +skin, and prevents the circulation from being arrested at any one point +of the body. Though I doubt if any of my readers will take a hint from +the wisdom of the merry anchorites, they will perhaps allow me to +suggest that the next best thing to wear next the skin is flannel, and +that too of the coarsest description. + +“Quantity is better than quality in linen. Nevertheless it should be +fine and well spun. The loose cuff, which we borrowed from the French +some four years ago, is a great improvement on the old tight wrist-band, +and, indeed, it must be borne in mind that anything which binds any +part of the body tightly impedes the circulation, and is therefore +unhealthy as well as ungraceful. + +“The necessity for a large stock of linen depends on a rule far better +than Brummell’s, of three shirts a day, viz:-- + +“Change your linen whenever it is at all dirty. + +“This is the best guide with regard to collars, socks, +pocket-handkerchiefs, and our under garments. No rule can be laid down +for the number we should wear per week, for everything depends on +circumstances. Thus in the country all our linen remains longer clean +than in town; in dirty, wet, or dusty weather, our socks get soon dirty +and must be changed; or, if we have a cold, to say nothing of the +possible but not probable case of tear-shedding on the departure of +friends, we shall want more than one pocket-handkerchief per diem. In +fact, the last article of modern civilization is put to so many uses, is +so much displayed, and liable to be called into action on so many +various engagements, that we should always have a clean one in our +pockets. Who knows when it may not serve us is in good stead? Who can +tell how often the corner of the delicate cambric will have to represent +a tear which, like difficult passages in novels is ‘left to the +imagination.’ Can a man of any feeling call on a disconsolate widow, for +instance, and listen to her woes, without at least pulling out that +expressive appendage? Can any one believe in our sympathy if the article +in question is a dirty one? There are some people who, like the clouds, +only exist to weep; and King Solomon, though not one of them, has given +them great encouragement in speaking of the house of mourning. We are +bound to weep with them, and we are bound to weep elegantly. + +“A man whose dress is neat, clean, simple, and appropriate, will pass +muster anywhere. + +“A well-dressed man does not require so much an extensive as a varied +wardrobe. He wants a different costume for every season and every +occasion; but if what he selects is simple rather than striking, he may +appear in the same clothes as often as he likes, as long as they are +fresh and appropriate to the season and the object. There are four kinds +of coats which he must have: a morning-coat, a frock-coat, a dress-coat, +and an over-coat. An economical man may do well with four of the first, +and one of each of the others per annum. The dress of a gentleman in the +present day should not cost him more than the tenth part of his income +on an average. But as fortunes vary more than position, if his income is +large it will take a much smaller proportion, if small a larger one. If +a man, however, mixes in society, and I write for those who do so, there +are some things which are indispensable to even the proper dressing, and +every occasion will have its proper attire. + +“In his own house then, and in the morning, there is no reason why he +should not wear out his old clothes. Some men take to the delightful +ease of a dressing-gown and slippers; and if bachelors, they do well. If +family men, it will probably depend on whether the lady or the gentleman +wears the pantaloons. The best walking-dress for a non-professional man +is a suit of tweed of the same color, ordinary boots, gloves not too +dark for the coat, a scarf with a pin in winter, or a small tie of one +color in summer, a respectable black hat and a cane. The last item is +perhaps the most important, and though its use varies with fashion, I +confess I am sorry when I see it go out. The best substitute for a +walking-stick is an umbrella, _not_ a parasol unless it be given you by +a lady to carry. The main point of the walking-dress is the harmony of +colors, but this should not be carried to the extent of M. de Maltzan, +who some years ago made a bet to wear nothing but pink at Baden-Baden +for a whole year, and had boots and gloves of the same lively hue. He +won his wager, but also the soubriquet of ‘Le Diable enflammé.’ The +walking-dress should vary according to the place and hour. In the +country or at the sea-side a straw hat or wide-awake may take the place +of the beaver, and the nuisance of gloves be even dispensed with in the +former. But in the city where a man is supposed to make visits as well +as lounge in the street, the frock coat of very dark blue or black, or a +black cloth cut-away, the white waistcoat, and lavender gloves, are +almost indispensable. Very thin boots should be avoided at all times, +and whatever clothes one wears they should be well brushed. The shirt, +whether seen or not, should be quite plain. The shirt collar should +never have a color on it, but it may be stiff or turned down according +as the wearer is Byronically or Brummellically disposed. The scarf, if +simple and of modest colors, is perhaps the best thing we can wear round +the neck; but if a neck-tie is preferred it should not be too long, nor +tied in too stiff and studied a manner. The cane should be extremely +simple, a mere stick in fact, with no gold head, and yet for the town +not rough, thick, or clumsy. The frock-coat should be ample and loose, +and a tall well-built man may throw it back. At any rate, it should +never be buttoned up. Great-coats should be buttoned up, of a dark +color, not quite black, longer than the frock-coat, but never long +enough to reach the ankles. If you have visits to make you should do +away with the great-coat, if the weather allows you to do so. The +frock-coat, or black cut-away, with a white waistcoat in summer, is the +best dress for making calls in. + +“It is simple nonsense to talk of modern civilization, and rejoice that +the cruelties of the dark ages can never be perpetrated in these days +and this country. I maintain that they are perpetrated freely, +generally, daily, with the consent of the wretched victim himself, in +the compulsion to wear evening clothes. Is there anything at once more +comfortless or more hideous? Let us begin with what the delicate call +limb-covers, which we are told were the invention of the Gauls, but I am +inclined to think, of a much worse race, for it is clearly an +anachronism to ascribe the discovery to a Venetian called Piantaleone, +and it can only have been Inquisitors or demons who inflicted this +scourge on the race of man, and his ninth-parts, the tailors, for I take +it that both are equally bothered by the tight pantaloon. Let us pause +awhile over this unsightly garment, and console ourselves with the +reflection that as every country, and almost every year, has a different +fashion in its make of it, we may at last be emancipated from it +altogether, or at least be able to wear it _à la Turque_. + +“But it is not all trousers that I rebel against. If I might wear linen +appendices in summer, and fur continuations in winter, I would not +groan, but it is the evening-dress that inflicts on the man who likes +society the necessity of wearing the same trying cloth all the year +round, so that under Boreas he catches colds, and under the dog-star he +melts. This unmentionable, but most necessary disguise of the ‘human +form divine,’ is one that never varies in this country, and therefore I +must lay down the rule:-- + +“For all evening wear--black cloth trousers. + +“But the tortures of evening dress do not end with our lower limbs. Of +all the iniquities perpetrated under the Reign of Terror, none has +lasted so long as that of the strait-jacket, which was palmed off on the +people as a ‘habit de compagnie.’ If it were necessary to sing a hymn of +praise to Robespierre, Marat, and Co., I would rather take the +guillotine as my subject to extol than the swallow tail. And yet we +endure the stiffness, unsightliness, uncomfortableness, and want of +grace of the latter, with more resignation than that with which +Charlotte Corday put her beautiful neck into the ‘trou d’enfer’ of the +former. Fortunately modern republicanism has triumphed over ancient +etiquette, and the tail-coat of to-day is looser and more easy than it +was twenty years ago. I can only say, let us never strive to make it +bearable, till we have abolished it. Let us abjure such vulgarities as +silk collars, white silk linings, and so forth, which attempt to +beautify this monstrosity, as a hangman might wreathe his gallows with +roses. The plainer the manner in which you wear your misery, the +better. + +“Then, again, the black waistcoat, stiff, tight, and comfortless. Fancy +Falstaff in a ball-dress such as we now wear. No amount of embroidery, +gold-trimmings, or jewel-buttons will render such an infliction grateful +to the mass. The best plan is to wear thorough mourning for your +wretchedness. In France and America, the cooler white waistcoat is +admitted. However, as we have it, let us make the best of it, and not +parade our misery by hideous ornamentation. The only evening waistcoat +for all purposes for a man of taste is one of simple black, with the +simplest possible buttons. + +“These three items never vary for dinner-party, muffin-worry, or ball. +The only distinction allowed is in the neck-tie. For dinner, the opera, +and balls, this must be white, and the smaller the better. It should be +too, of a washable texture, not silk, nor netted, nor hanging down, nor +of any foppish production, but a simple, white tie, without embroidery. +The black tie is admitted for evening parties, and should be equally +simple. The shirt-front, which figures under the tie should be plain, +with unpretending small plaits. The glove must be white, not yellow. +Recently, indeed, a fashion has sprung up of wearing lavender gloves in +the evening. They are economical, and as all economy is an abomination, +must be avoided. Gloves should always be worn at a ball. At a +dinner-party in town they should be worn on entering the room, and drawn +off for dinner. While, on the one hand, we must avoid the awkwardness of +a gallant sea-captain who, wearing no gloves at a dance, excused himself +to his partner by saying, ‘Never mind, miss, I can wash my hands when +I’ve done dancing,’ we have no need, in the present day, to copy the +Roman gentleman mentioned by Athenæus, who wore gloves at dinner that he +might pick his meat from the hot dishes more rapidly than the +bare-handed guests. As to gloves at tea-parties and so forth, we are +generally safer with than without them. If it is quite a small party, we +may leave them in our pocket, and in the country they are scarcely +expected to be worn; but ‘touch not a cat but with a glove;’ you are +always safer with them. + +“I must not quit this subject without assuring myself that my reader +knows more about it now than he did before. In fact I have taken one +thing for granted, viz., that he knows what it is to be dressed, and +what undressed. Of course I do not suppose him to be in the blissful +state of ignorance on the subject once enjoyed by our first parents. I +use the words ‘dressed’ and ‘undressed’ rather in the sense meant by a +military tailor, or a cook with reference to a salad. You need not be +shocked. I am one of those people who wear spectacles for fear of seeing +anything with the naked eye. I am the soul of scrupulosity. But I am +wondering whether everybody arranges his wardrobe as our ungrammatical +nurses used to do ours, under the heads of ‘best, second-best, +third-best,’ and so on, and knows what things ought to be placed under +each. To be ‘undressed’ is to be dressed for work and ordinary +occupations, to wear a coat which you do not fear to spoil, and a +neck-tie which your ink-stand will not object to, but your acquaintance +might. To be ‘dressed,’ on the other hand, since by dress we show our +respect for society at large, or the persons with whom we are to +mingle, is to be clothed in the garments which the said society +pronounces as suitable to particular occasions; so that evening dress in +the morning, morning dress in the evening, and top boots and a red coat +for walking, may all be called ‘undress,’ if not positively ‘bad dress.’ +But there are shades of being ‘dressed;’ and a man is called ‘little +dressed,’ ‘well dressed,’ and ‘much dressed,’ not according to the +quantity but the quality of his coverings. + +“To be ‘little dressed,’ is to wear old things, of a make that is no +longer the fashion, having no pretension to elegance, artistic beauty, +or ornament. It is also to wear lounging clothes on occasions which +demand some amount of precision. To be ‘much dressed’ is to be in the +extreme of the fashion, with bran new clothes, jewelry, and ornaments, +with a touch of extravagance and gaiety in your colors. Thus to wear +patent leather boots and yellow gloves in a quiet morning stroll is to +be much dressed, and certainly does not differ immensely from being +badly dressed. To be ‘well dressed’ is the happy medium between these +two, which is not given to every one to hold, inasmuch as good taste is +rare, and is a _sine quâ non_ thereof. Thus while you avoid ornament and +all fastness, you must cultivate fashion, that is _good_ fashion, in the +make of your clothes. A man must not be made by his tailor, but should +make him, educate him, give him his own good taste. To be well dressed +is to be dressed precisely as the occasion, place, weather, your height, +figure, position, age, and, remember it, your _means_ require. It is to +be clothed without peculiarity, pretension, or eccentricity; without +violent colors, elaborate ornament, or senseless fashions, introduced, +often, by tailors for their own profit. Good dressing is to wear as +little jewelry as possible, to be scrupulously neat, clean, and fresh, +and to carry your clothes as if you did not give them a thought. + +“Then, too, there is a scale of honor among clothes, which must not be +forgotten. Thus, a new coat is more honorable than an old one, a +cut-away or shooting-coat than a dressing-gown, a frock-coat than a +cut-away, a dark blue frock-coat than a black frock-coat, a tail-coat +than a frock-coat. There is no honor at all in a blue tail-coat, +however, except on a gentleman of eighty, accompanied with brass buttons +and a buff waistcoat. There is more honor in an old hunting-coat than in +a new one, in a uniform with a bullet hole in it than one without, in a +fustian jacket and smock-frock than in a frock-coat, because they are +types of labor, which is far more honorable than lounging. Again, light +clothes are generally placed above dark ones, because they cannot be so +long worn, and are, therefore, proofs of expenditure, _alias_ money, +which in this world is a commodity more honored than every other; but, +on the other hand, tasteful dress is always more honorable than that +which has only cost much. Light gloves are more esteemed than dark ones, +and the prince of glove-colors is, undeniably, lavender. + +“‘I should say Jones was a fast man,’ said a friend to me one day, ‘for +he wears a white hat.’ If this idea of my companion’s be right, fastness +may be said to consist mainly in peculiarity. There is certainly only +one step from the sublimity of fastness to the ridiculousness of +snobbery, and it is not always easy to say where the one ends and the +other begins. A dandy, on the other hand, is the clothes on a man, not a +man in clothes, a living lay figure who displays much dress, and is +quite satisfied if you praise it without taking heed of him. A bear is +in the opposite extreme; never dressed enough, and always very roughly; +but he is almost as bad as the other, for he sacrifices everything to +his ease and comfort. The off-hand style of dress only suits an off-hand +character. It was, at one time, the fashion to affect a certain +negligence, which was called poetic, and supposed to be the result of +genius. An ill-tied, if not positively untied cravat was a sure sign of +an unbridled imagination; and a waistcoat was held together by one +button only, as if the swelling soul in the wearer’s bosom had burst all +the rest. If, in addition to this, the hair was unbrushed and curly, you +were certain of passing for a ‘man of soul.’ I should not recommend any +young gentleman to adopt this style, unless, indeed, he can mouth a +great deal, and has a good stock of quotations from the poets. It is of +no use to show me the clouds, unless I can positively see you in them, +and no amount of negligence in your dress and person will convince me +you are a genius, unless you produce an octavo volume of poems published +by yourself. I confess I am glad that the _négligé_ style, so common in +novels of ten years back, has been succeeded by neatness. What we want +is real ease in the clothes, and, for my part, I should rejoice to see +the Knickerbocker style generally adopted. + +“Besides the ordinary occasions treated of before, there are several +special occasions requiring a change of dress. Most of our sports, +together with marriage (which some people include in sports), come under +this head. Now, the less change we make the better in the present day, +particularly in the sports, where, if we are dressed with scrupulous +accuracy, we are liable to be subjected to a comparison between our +clothes and our skill. A man who wears a red coat to hunt in, should be +able to hunt, and not sneak through gates or dodge over gaps. A few +remarks on dresses worn in different sports may be useful. Having laid +down the rule that a strict accuracy of sporting costume is no longer in +good taste, we can dismiss shooting and fishing at once, with the +warning that we must not dress _well_ for either. An old coat with large +pockets, gaiters in one case, and, if necessary, large boots in the +other, thick shoes at any rate, a wide-awake, and a well-filled bag or +basket at the end of the day, make up a most respectable sportsman of +the lesser kind. Then for cricket you want nothing more unusual than +flannel trousers, which should be quite plain, unless your club has +adopted some colored stripe thereon, a colored flannel shirt of no very +violent hue, the same colored cap, shoes with spikes in them, and a +great coat. + +“For hunting, lastly, you have to make more change, if only to insure +your own comfort and safety. Thus cord-breeches and some kind of boots +are indispensable. So are spurs, so a hunting-whip or crop; so too, if +you do not wear a hat, is the strong round cap that is to save your +valuable skull from cracking if you are thrown on your head. Again, I +should pity the man who would attempt to hunt in a frock-coat or a +dress-coat; and a scarf with a pin in it is much more convenient than a +tie. But beyond these you need nothing out of the common way, but a +pocketful of money. The red coat, for instance, is only worn by regular +members of a hunt, and boys who ride over the hounds and like to display +their ‘pinks.’ In any case you are better with an ordinary riding-coat +of dark color, though undoubtedly the red is prettier in the field. If +you _will_ wear the latter, see that it is cut square, for the +swallow-tail is obsolete, and worn only by the fine old boys who +‘hunted, sir, fifty years ago, sir, when I was a boy of fifteen, sir. +Those _were_ hunting days, sir; such runs and such leaps.’ Again, your +‘cords’ should be light in color and fine in quality; your waistcoat, if +with a red coat, quite light too; your scarf of cashmere, of a buff +color, and fastened with a small simple gold pin; your hat should be +old, and your cap of dark green or black velvet, plated inside, and with +a small stiff peak, should be made to look old. Lastly, for a choice of +boots. The Hessians are more easily cleaned, and therefore less +expensive to keep; the ‘tops’ are more natty. Brummell, who cared more +for the hunting-dress than the hunting itself, introduced the fashion of +pipe-claying the tops of the latter, but the old original ‘mahoganies,’ +of which the upper leathers are simply polished, seem to be coming into +fashion again.” + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MANLY EXERCISES. + + +Bodily exercise is one of the most important means provided by nature +for the maintenance of health, and in order to prove the advantages of +exercise, we must show what is to be exercised, why exercise is +necessary, and the various modes in which it may be taken. + +The human body may be regarded as a wonderful machine, the various parts +of which are so wonderfully adapted to each other, that if one be +disturbed all must suffer. The bones and muscles are the parts of the +human frame on which motion depends. There are four hundred muscles in +the body; each one has certain functions to perform, which cannot be +disturbed without danger to the whole. They assist the tendons in +keeping the bones in their places, and put them in motion. Whether we +walk or run, sit or stoop, bend the arm or head, or chew our food, we +may be said to open and shut a number of hinges, or ball and socket +joints. And it is a wise provision of nature, that, to a certain extent, +the more the muscles are exercised, the stronger do they become; hence +it is that laborers and artisans are stronger and more muscular than +those persons whose lives are passed in easy occupations or +professional duties. + +Besides strengthening the limbs, muscular exercise has a most beneficial +influence on respiration and the circulation of the blood. The larger +blood-vessels are generally placed deep among the muscles, consequently +when the latter are put into motion, the blood is driven through the +arteries and veins with much greater rapidity than when there is no +exercise; it is more completely purified, as the action of the +insensible perspiration is promoted, which relieves the blood of many +irritating matters, chiefly carbonic acid and certain salts, taken up in +its passage through the system, and a feeling of lightness and +cheerfulness is diffused over body and mind. + +We have said that a good state of health depends in a great measure on +the proper exercise of _all the muscles_. But on looking at the greater +portion of our industrial population,--artisans and workers in factories +generally--we find them, in numerous instances, standing or sitting in +forced or unnatural positions, using only a few of their muscles, while +the others remain, comparatively speaking, unused or inactive. Sawyers, +filers, tailors, and many others may be easily recognized as they walk +the streets, by the awkward movement and bearing impressed upon them by +long habit. The stooping position especially tells most fatally upon the +health; weavers, shoemakers, and cotton-spinners have generally a sallow +and sickly appearance, very different from that of those whose +occupation does not require them to stoop, or to remain long in a +hurtful posture. Their common affections are indigestion and dull +headache, with giddiness especially during summer. They attribute their +complaints to two causes, one of which is the posture of the body, bent +for twelve or thirteen hours a day, the other the heat of the +working-room. + +Besides the trades above enumerated, there are many others productive of +similar evils by the position into which they compel workmen, or by the +close and confined places in which they are carried on; and others, +again, in their very natures injurious. Plumbers and painters suffer +from the noxious materials which they are constantly using, grinders and +filers from dust, and bakers from extremes of temperature and irregular +hours. Wherever there is physical depression, there is a disposition to +resort to injurious stimulants; and “the time of relief from work is +generally spent, not in invigorating the animal frame, but in +aggravating complaints, and converting functional into organic disease.” + +But there are others who suffer from artificial poisons and defective +exercise as well as artisans and operatives--the numerous class of +shopkeepers; the author above quoted says, “Week after week passes +without affording them one pure inspiration. Often, also, they have not +exercise even in the open air of the town; a furlong’s walk to church on +Sunday being the extent of their rambles. When they have the opportunity +they want the inclination for exercise. The father is anxious about his +trade or his family, the mother is solicitous about her children. Each +has little taste for recreation or amusement.” The various disorders, +generally known under the name of indigestion, disorders dependant on a +want of circulation of blood through the bowels, biliary derangements, +and headache, are well known to be the general attendants on trade, +closely pursued. Indeed, in almost every individual, this absorbing +principle produces one or other of the various maladies to which I have +alluded. + +The great remedy for the evils here pointed out is bodily exercise, of +some kind, every day, and as much as possible in the open air. An +opinion prevails that an occasional walk is sufficient to maintain the +balance of health; but if the intervals of inaction be too long, the +good effect of one walk is lost before another is taken. Regularity and +sufficiency are to be as much regarded in exercise as in eating or +sleeping. Sir James Clark says, that “the exercise which is to benefit +the system generally, must be in the open air, and extend to the whole +muscular system. Without regular exercise out of doors, no young person +can continue long healthy; and it is the duty of parents in fixing their +children at boarding schools to ascertain that sufficient time is +occupied daily in this way. They may be assured that attention to this +circumstance is quite as essential to the moral and physical health of +their children, as any branch of education which they may be taught.” + +Exercise, however, must be regulated by certain rules, the principal of +which is, to avoid carrying it to excess--to proportion it always to the +state of health and habit of the individual. Persons of short breath +predisposed to determination of blood to the head, subject to +palpitation of the heart, or general weakness, are not to believe that a +course of severe exercise will do them good; on the contrary, many +serious results often follow over-fatigue. For the same reason it is +desirable to avoid active exertion immediately after a full meal, as the +foundation of heart diseases is sometimes laid by leaping or running +after eating. The great object should be so to blend exercise and +repose, as to ensure the highest possible amount of bodily vigor. It +must be recollected that exhausted muscles can be restored only by the +most perfect rest. + +In the next place, it is a mistake to consider the labor of the day as +equivalent to exercise. Work, generally speaking, is a mere routine +process, carried on with but little variety of circumstances, in a +confined atmosphere, and in a temperature frequently more exhaustive +than restorative. The workman requires something more than this to keep +him in health; he must have exercise as often as possible in the open +air,--in fields, parks, or pleasure grounds; but if these are not at his +command, the streets of the town are always open to him, and a walk in +these is better than no walk at all. The mere change of scene is +beneficial, and in walking he generally sets in motion a different set +of muscles from those he has used while at work. + +To derive the greatest amount of good from exercise, it must be combined +with amusement, and be made pleasureable and recreative. This important +fact ought never to be lost sight of, since to ignorance of it alone we +owe many of the evils which afflict society. And it would be well if +those who have been accustomed to look on social amusements as +destructive of the morals of the people, would consider how much good +may be done by giving the mind a direction which, while promotive of +health, would fill it with cheerfulness and wean it from debasing +habits. The character of our sports at the present time, partake but +little of the robust and boisterous spirit of our forefathers; but with +the refinement of amusements, the opportunity for enjoying them has been +grievously diminished. Cheering signs of a better state of things are, +however, visible in many quarters, and we trust that the good work will +be carried on until the whole of our population shall be in possession +of the means and leisure for pleasurable recreation. + +While indulging in the recreative sports which are to restore and +invigorate us, we must be mindful of the many points of etiquette and +kindness which will do much, if properly attended to, to promote the +enjoyment of our exercise, and we propose to review the principal +exercises used among us, and to point out in what places the delicate +and gentlemanly attention to our companions will do the most to +establish, for the person who practices them, the reputation of a +polished gentleman. + + +RIDING. + +There are no amusements, probably, which give us so wide a scope for the +rendering of attention to a friend as riding and driving. Accompanied, +as we may be at any time, by timid companions, the power to convince +them, by the management of the horse we ride, and the watch kept at the +same time on theirs, that we are competent to act the part of companion +and guardian, will enable us to impart to them a great degree of +reliance on us, and will, by lessening their fear do much to enhance +the enjoyment of the excursion. + +With ladies, in particular, a horseman cannot be too careful to display +a regard for the fears of their companions, and by a constant watch on +all the horses in the cavalcade, to show at once his ability and +willingness to assist his companions. + +There are few persons, comparatively speaking, even among those who ride +often, who can properly assist a lady in mounting her horse. An +over-anxiety to help a lady as gracefully as possible, generally results +in a nervous trembling effort which is exceedingly disagreeable to the +lady, and, at the same time, dangerous; for were the horse to shy or +start, he could not be so easily quieted by a nervous man as by one who +was perfectly cool. In the mount the lady must gather her skirt into her +left hand, and stand close to the horse, her face toward his head, and +her right hand resting on the pommel. The gentleman, having asked +permission to assist her, stands at the horse’s shoulder, facing the +lady, and stooping low, he places his right hand at a proper elevation +from the ground. The lady then places her left foot on the gentleman’s +palm, and as he raises his hand she springs slightly on her right foot, +and thus reaches the saddle. The gentleman must not jerk his hand +upward, but lift it with a gentle motion. This method of mounting is +preferable to a step or horse-block. Keep a _firm_ hand, for a sinking +foot-hold will diminish the confidence of a lady in her escort, and, in +many cases cause her unnecessary alarm while mounting. To any one who is +likely to be called on to act as cavalier to ladies in horse-back +excursions, we would recommend the following practice: Saddle a horse +with a side saddle, and ask a gentleman friend to put on the skirt of a +lady’s habit, and with him, practice the mounting and dismounting until +you have thoroughly conquered any difficulties you may have experienced +at first. + +After the seat is first taken by the lady, the gentleman should always +stand at the side of the lady’s horse until she is firmly fixed in the +saddle, has a good foot-hold on the stirrup, and has the reins and whip +well in hand. Having ascertained that his companion is firmly and +comfortably fixed in the saddle, the gentleman should mount his horse +and take his riding position on the right or “off” side of the lady’s +horse, so that, in case of the horse’s shying in such a way as to bring +him against the other horse, the lady will suffer no inconvenience. In +riding with two ladies there are two rules in regard to the gentleman’s +position. + +If both ladies are good riders, they should ride side by side, the +ladies to the left; but, if the contrary should be the case, the +gentleman should ride _between_ the ladies in order to be ready in a +moment to assist either in case of one of the horses becoming difficult +to manage. Before allowing a lady to mount, the entire furniture of her +horse should be carefully examined by her escort. The saddle and girths +should be tested to see if they are firm, the stirrup leather examined, +in case of the tongue of the buckle being in danger of slipping out by +not being well buckled at first, and most particularly the bridle, curb, +headstall, and reins should be carefully and thoroughly examined, for on +them depends the entire control of the horse. These examinations should +_never_ be left to the stablehelps, as the continual harnessing of +horses by them often leads to a loose and careless way of attending to +such matters, which, though seemingly trivial, may lead to serious +consequences. + +On the road, the constant care of the gentleman should be to render the +ride agreeable to his companion, by the pointing out of objects of +interest with which she may not be acquainted, the reference to any +peculiar beauty of landscape which may have escaped her notice, and a +general lively tone of conversation, which will, if she be timid, draw +her mind from the fancied dangers of horseback riding, and render her +excursion much more agreeable than if she be left to imagine horrors +whenever her horse may prick up his ears or whisk his tail. And, while +thus conversing, keep an eye always on the lady’s horse, so that in case +he should really get frightened, you may be ready by your instruction +and assistance to aid the lady in quieting his fears. + +In dismounting you should offer your right hand to the lady’s left, and +allow her to use _your_ left as a step to dismount on, gently declining +it as soon as the lady has left her seat on the saddle, and just before +she springs. Many ladies spring from the saddle, but this generally +confuses the gentleman and is dangerous to the lady, for the horse _may_ +move at the instant she springs, which would inevitably throw her +backward and might result in a serious injury. + + +DRIVING. + +In the indulgence of this beautiful pastime there are many points of +care and attention to be observed; they will render to the driver +himself much gratification by the confidence they will inspire in his +companion, by having the knowledge that he or she is being driven by a +careful horseman, and thus knowing that half of what danger may attend +the pleasure, is removed. + +On reaching the door of your companion’s residence, whom we will suppose +to be in this case a lady,--though the same attention may well be +extended to a gentleman,--drive close to the mounting-block or curb, and +by heading your horse toward the middle of the road, and slightly +backing the wagon, separate the fore and hind wheels on the side next +the block as much as possible. This gives room for the lady to ascend +into the wagon without soiling her dress by rubbing against either tire, +and also gives the driver room to lean over and tuck into the wagon any +part of a lady’s dress that may hang out after she is seated. + +In assisting the lady to ascend into the wagon, the best and safest way +is to tie the horse firmly to a hitching-post or tree, and then to give +to your companion the aid of both your hands; but, in case of there +being no post to which you can make the rein fast, the following rule +may be adopted: + +Grasp the reins firmly with one hand, and draw them just tight enough to +let the horse feel that they are held, and with the other hand assist +the lady; under _no_ circumstances, even with the most quiet horse, +should you place a lady in your vehicle without _any_ hold on the horse, +for, although many horses would stand perfectly quiet, the whole race of +them are timid, and any sudden noise or motion may start them, in which +case the life of your companion may be endangered. In the light _no-top_ +or _York_ wagon, which is now used almost entirely for pleasure drives, +the right hand cushion should always be higher by three or four inches +than the left, for it raises the person driving, thus giving him more +control, and renders the lady’s seat more comfortable and more safe. It +is a mistaken idea, in driving, that it shows a perfect horseman, to +drive fast. On the contrary, a _good_ horseman is more careful of his +horse than a poor one, and in starting, the horse is always allowed to +go slowly for time; as he gradually takes up a quicker pace, and becomes +warmed up; the driver may push him even to the top of his speed for some +distance, always, however, allowing him to slacken his pace toward the +end of his drive, and to come to the stopping-place at a moderate gait. + +Endeavor, by your conversation on the road, to make the ride agreeable +to your companion. Never try to _show off_ your driving, but remember, +that there is no one who drives with so much apparent ease and so little +display as the professional jockey, who, as he devotes his life to the +management of the reins, may well be supposed to be the most thoroughly +good “whip.” + +In helping the lady out of the wagon, the same rule must be observed as +in the start; namely, to have your horse well in hand or firmly tied. +Should your companion be a gentleman and a horseman, the courtesy is +always to offer him the reins, though the offer, if made to yourself by +another with whom you are riding, should always be declined; unless, +indeed, the horse should be particularly “hard-mouthed” and your +friend’s arms should be tired, in which case you should relieve him. + +Be especially careful in the use of the whip, that it may not spring +back outside of the vehicle and strike your companion. This rule should +be particularly attended to in driving “tandem” or “four-in-hand,” as a +cut with a heavy tandem-whip is by no means a pleasant accompaniment to +your drive. + + +BOXING. + +In this much-abused accomplishment, there would, from the rough nature +of the sport, seem to be small room for civility; yet, in none of the +many manly sports is there so great a scope for the exercise of +politeness as in this. Should your adversary be your inferior in boxing, +there are many ways to teach him and encourage him in his pursuit of +proficiency, without knocking him about as if your desire was to injure +him as much as possible. And you will find that his gratitude for your +forbearance will prompt him to exercise the same indulgence to others +who are inferior to himself, and thus by the exchange of gentlemanly +civility the science of boxing is divested of one of its most +objectionable points, viz: the danger of the combatants becoming angry +and changing the sport to a brutal fight. + +Always allow your antagonist to choose his gloves from the set, though, +if you recommend _any_ to him, let him take the hardest ones and you the +softest; thus he will receive the easier blows. Allow him the choice of +ground and position, and endeavor in every way to give him the utmost +chance. In this way, even if you should be worsted in the game, your +kindness and courtesy to him will be acknowledged by any one who may be +with you, and by no one more readily than your antagonist himself. These +same rules apply to the art of fencing, the most graceful and beautiful +of exercises. Let your opponent have his choice of the foils and +sword-gloves, give him the best position for light, and in your thrusts +remember that to make a “hit” does not require you to force your foil as +violently as you can against your antagonist’s breast; but, that every +touch will show if your foils be chalked and the one who has the most +“spots” at the end of the encounter is the beaten man. + + +SAILING. + +Within a few years there has been a most decided movement in favor of +aquatic pursuits. Scarcely a town can be found, near the sea or on the +bank of a river but what can either furnish a yacht or a barge. In all +our principal cities the “navies” of yachts and barges number many +boats. The barge clubs particularly are well-fitted with active, healthy +men, who can appreciate the physical benefit of a few hours’ work at the +end of a sixteen-foot sweep, and who prefer health and blistered hands +to a life of fashionable and unhealthy amusement. Under the head of +sailing we will give some hints of etiquette as to sailing and rowing +together. A gentleman will never parade his superiority in these +accomplishments, still less boast of it, but rather, that the others may +not feel their inferiority, he will keep considerably within his powers. +If a guest or a stranger be of the party, the best place must be offered +to him, though he may be a bad oar; but, at the same time, if a guest +knows his inferiority in this respect, he will, for more reasons than +one, prefer an inferior position. So, too, when a certain amount of +exertion is required, as in boating, a well-bred man will offer to take +the greater share, pull the heaviest oar, and will never shirk his work. +In short, the whole rule of good manners on such occasions is not to be +selfish, and the most amiable man will therefore be the best bred. It is +certainly desirable that a gentleman should be able to handle an oar, or +to steer and work a yacht, both that when he has an opportunity he may +acquire health, and that he may be able to take part in the charming +excursions which are made by water. One rule should apply to all these +aquatic excursions, and that is, that the gentleman who invites the +ladies, should there be any, and who is, therefore, at the trouble of +getting up the party, should always be allowed to steer the boat, unless +he decline the post, for he has the advantage of more intimate +acquaintance with the ladies, whom he will have to entertain on the +trip, and the post of honor should be given him as a compliment to his +kindness in undertaking the preliminaries. + + +HUNTING. + +Gentlemen residing in the country, and keeping a stable, are generally +ready to join the hunt club. We are gradually falling into the English +sports and pastimes. Cricket, boxing, and hunting, are being more and +more practiced every year, and our horsemen and pugilists aspire to +conquer those of Britain, when a few years back, to attempt such a thing +would have been considered folly. In this country the organization of +hunt-clubs is made as much to rid the country of the foxes as to enjoy +the sport. We differ much from the Britons in our hunting; we have often +a hilly dangerous country, with high worm and post-and-rail fences +crossing it, deep streams with precipitous sides and stony ground to +ride over. We hunt in cold weather when the ground is frozen hard, and +we take everything as it is, hills, fences, streams, and hedges, risking +our necks innumerable times in a hunt. In England the hunters have a +flat country, fences which do not compare to ours in height, and they +hunt _after_ a frost when the ground is soft. + +Our hunting field at the “meet” does not show the gaudy equipment and +top-boots of England, but the plain dress of the gentleman farmer, +sometimes a blue coat and jockey-cap, but oftener the every-day coat and +felt hat, but the etiquette of our hunting field is more observed than +in England. There any one joins the meet, if it is a large one, but here +no one enters the field unless acquainted with one or more of the +gentlemen on the ground. The rules in the hunt are few and simple. Never +attempt to hunt unless you have a fine seat in the saddle and a good +horse, and never accept the loan of a friend’s horse, still less an +enemy’s, unless you ride very well. A man may forgive you for breaking +his daughter’s heart but never for breaking his hunter’s neck. Another +point is, always to be quiet at a meet, and never join one unless +acquainted with some one in the field. Pluck, skill, and a good horse +are essentials in hunting. Never talk of your achievements, avoid +enthusiastic shouting when you break cover, and do not ride over the +hounds. Keep a firm hand, a quick eye, an easy, calm frame of mind, and +a good, firm seat on the saddle. Watch the country you are going over, +be always ready to help a friend who may “come to grief,” and with the +rules and the quiet demeanor you will soon be a favorite in the field. + + +SKATING. + +Though we may, in the cold winter, sigh for the return of spring +breezes, and look back with regret on the autumn sports, or even the +heat of summer, there is yet a balm for our frozen spirits in the +glorious and exhilarating sports of winter. The sleigh filled with +laughing female beauties and “beauties,” too, of the sterner sex, and +the merry jingle of the bells as we fly along the road or through the +streets, are delights of which Old Winter alone is the giver. But, +pleasant as the sleigh-ride is, the man who looks for health and +exercise at all seasons, turns from the seductive pleasures of the +sleigh to the more simple enjoyment derived from the skates. Flying +along over the glistening ice to the accompaniment of shouts of merry +laughter at some novice’s mishap, and feeling that we have within us the +speed of the race-horse, the icy pleasure is, indeed, a good substitute +for the pleasures of the other seasons. + +So universal has skating become, that instruction in this graceful +accomplishment seems almost unnecessary; but, for the benefit of the +rising generation who may peruse our work, we will give, from a +well-known authority, a few hints as to the manner of using the skates +before we add our own instruction as to the etiquette of the skating +ground. + +“Before going on the ice, the young skater must learn to put on the +skates, and may also learn to walk with them easily in a room, +balancing, alternately, on each foot. A skater’s dress should be as +loose and unincumbered as possible. All fullness of dress is exposed to +the wind. As the exercise of skating produces perspiration, flannel next +the chest, shoulders, and loins, is necessary to avoid the evils of +sudden chills in cold weather. + +“Either very rough or very smooth ice should be avoided. The person who, +for the first time, attempts to skate, must not trust to a stick. He may +take a friend’s hand for support, if he requires one; but that should be +soon relinquished, in order to balance himself. He will, probably, +scramble about for half an hour or so, till he begins to find out where +the edge of his skate is. The beginner must be fearless, but not +violent; nor even in a hurry. He should not let his feet get apart, and +keep his heels still nearer together. He must keep the ankle of the foot +on the ice quite firm; not attempting to gain the edge of the skate by +bending it, because the right mode of getting to either edge is by the +inclination of the whole body in the direction required; and this +inclination should be made fearlessly and decisively. The leg which is +on the ice should be kept perfectly straight; for, though the knee must +be somewhat bent at the time of striking, it must be straightened as +quickly as possible without any jerk. The leg which is off the ice +should also be kept straight, though not stiff, having an easy but +straight play, the toe pointing downwards, and the heel from six to +twelve inches of the other. + +“The learner must not look down at the ice, nor at his feet, to see how +they perform. He may, at first, incline his body a little forward, for +safety, but hold his head up, and see where he goes, his person erect +and his face rather elevated than otherwise. + +“When once off, he must bring both feet up together, and strike again, +as soon as he finds himself steady enough, rarely allowing both feet to +be on the ice together. The position of the arms should be easy and +varied; one being always more raised than the other, this elevation +being alternate, and the change corresponding to that of the legs; that +is, the right arm being raised as the right leg is put down, and _vice +versâ_, so that the arm and leg of the same side may not be raised +together. The face must be always turned in the direction of the line +intended to be described. Hence in backward skating, the head will be +inclined much over the shoulder; in forward skating, but slightly. All +sudden and violent action must be avoided. Stopping may be caused by +slightly bending the knees, drawing the feet together, inclining the +body forward, and pressing on the heels. It may be also caused by +turning short to the right or left, the foot on the side to which we +turn being rather more advanced, and supporting part of the weight.”[A] + +[A] Walker’s Manly Exercises. + +When on the ice, if you should get your skates on before your companion, +always wait for him; for, nothing is more disagreeable than being left +behind on an occasion of this kind. Be ready at all times when skating +to render assistance to any one, either lady or gentleman, who may +require it. A _gentleman_ may be distinguished at all times by the +willingness with which he will give up his sport to render himself +agreeable and kind to any one in difficulty. Should you have one of the +skating-sleds so much used for taking ladies on the ice, and should your +own ladies, if you are accompanied by any, not desire to use it, the +most becoming thing you can do is to place it at the disposal of any +other gentleman who has ladies with him, and who is not provided with +such a conveyance. + +Always keep to the right in meeting a person on the ice, and always +skate perfectly clear of the line in which a lady is advancing, whether +she be on skates or on foot. Attention to the other sex is no where more +appreciated than on the ice, where they are, unless good skaters, +comparatively helpless. Be always prompt to assist in the extrication of +any one who may break through the ice, but let your zeal be tempered by +discretion, and always get a rope or ladder if possible, in preference +to going near the hole; for there is great risk of your breaking through +yourself, and endangering your own life without being able to assist the +person already submerged. But should the rope or ladder not be +convenient, the best method is to lay flat on your breast on the ice, +and push yourself cautiously along until you can touch the person’s +hand, and then let him climb by it out of the hole. + + +SWIMMING. + +So few persons are unable to swim, that it would be useless for us to +furnish any instruction in the actual art of swimming; but a few words +on the subject of assisting others while in the water may not come +amiss. + +It is a desirable accomplishment to be able to swim in a suit of +clothes. This may be practiced by good swimmers, cautiously at first, in +comparatively shallow water, and afterwards in deeper places. Occasions +may frequently occur where it may be necessary to plunge into the water +to save a drowning person, where the lack of time, or the presence of +ladies, would preclude all possibility of removing the clothes. There +are few points of etiquette in swimming, except those of giving all the +assistance in our power to beginners, and to remember the fact of our +being gentlemen, though the sport may be rough when we are off _terra +firma_. We shall therefore devote this section of our exercise +department to giving a few general directions as to supporting drowning +persons, which support is, after all, the most valued attention we can +render to any one. + +If possible, always go to save a life in company with one or two others. +One companion is generally sufficient, but two will do no harm, for, if +the service of the second be not required, he can easily swim back to +shore. On reaching the object of your pursuit, if he be clinging to +anything, caution him, as you approach, to hold it until you tell him to +let go, and then to let his arms fall to his side. Then let one of your +companions place his hand under the armpit of the person to be assisted, +and you doing the like, call to him to let go his support, then tread +water until you get his arms on the shoulders of your companion and +yourself, and then swim gently to shore. Should you be alone, the utmost +you can do is to let him hold his support while you tread water near him +until further assistance can be obtained. If you are alone and he has no +support, let him rest one arm across your shoulder, put one of your arms +behind his back, and the hand under his armpit, and tread water until +help arrives. Never let a man in these circumstances _grasp_ you in any +way, particularly if he be frightened, for you may both be drowned; but, +try to cool and reassure him by the intrepidity of your own movements, +and he will be safely and easily preserved. + + +CRICKET. + +When in the cricket-field, we must allow ourselves to enter into the +full spirit of the game; but we must not allow the excitement of the +play to make us forget what is due to others and to ourselves. A gentle, +easy, and, at the same time, gentlemanly manner, may be assumed. Always +offer to your companions the use of your private bat, if they are not +similarly provided; for the bats belonging to the club often lose the +spring in the handle from constant use, and a firm bat with a good +spring will prove very acceptable. In this way you gratify the player, +and, as a reward for your kindness, he may, from being well provided, +score more for the side than he would with inferior or worn-out tools. + +This game is more purely democratic than any one we know of, and the +most aristocratic of gentlemen takes second rank, for the time, to the +most humble cricketer, if the latter be the more skillful. But a good +player is not always a gentleman, and the difference in cultivation may +always be distinguished. A _gentleman_ will never deride any one for his +bad play, nor give vent to oaths, or strong epithets, if disappointed in +the playing of one of his side. If he has to ask another player for +anything, he does so in a way to establish his claim to gentility. “May +I trouble you for that ball?” or, “Will you please to hand me that bat?” +are much preferable to “Here, you! ball there!” or, “Clumsy, don’t carry +off that bat!” Again, if a gentleman makes a mistake himself, he should +always acknowledge it quietly, and never start a stormy discussion as to +the merits of his batting or fielding. In fine, preserve the same calm +demeanor in the field that you would in the parlor, however deeply you +enter into the excitement of the game. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +TRAVELING. + + +In this country where ladies travel so much alone, a gentleman has many +opportunities of making this unprotected state a pleasant one. There are +many little courtesies which you may offer to a lady when traveling, +even if she is an entire stranger to you, and by an air of respectful +deference, you may place her entirely at her ease with you, even if you +are both young. + +When traveling with a lady, your duties commence when you are presented +to her as an escort. If she is personally a stranger, she will probably +meet you at the wharf or car depot; but if an old acquaintance, you +should offer to call for her at her residence. Take a hack, and call, +leaving ample time for last speeches and farewell tears. If she hands +you her purse to defray her expenses, return it to her if you stop for +any length of time at a place where she may wish to make purchases. If +you make no stop upon your journey, keep the purse until you arrive at +your destination, and then return it. If she does not give you the money +for her expenses when you start, you had best pay them yourself, keeping +an account, and she will repay you at the journey’s end. + +When you start, select for your companion the pleasantest seat, see that +her shawl and bag are within her reach, the window lowered or raised as +she may prefer, and then leave her to attend to the baggage, or, if you +prefer, let her remain in the hack while you get checks for the trunks. +Never keep a lady standing upon the wharf or in the depot, whilst you +arrange the baggage. + +When you arrive at a station, place your lady in a hack while you get +the trunks. + +When arriving at a hotel, escort your companion to the parlor, and leave +her there whilst you engage rooms. As soon as her room is ready, escort +her to the door, and leave her, as she will probably wish to change her +dress or lie down, after the fatigue of traveling. If you remain +chatting in the parlor, although she may be too polite to give any sign +of weariness, you may feel sure she is longing to go to a room where she +can bathe her face and smooth her hair. + +If you remain in the hotel to any meal, ask before you leave her, at +what hour she wishes to dine, sup, or breakfast, and at that hour, knock +at her door, and escort her to the table. + +If you remain in the city at which her journey terminates, you should +call the day after your arrival upon the companion of your journey. If, +previous to that journey, you have never met her, she has the privilege +of continuing the acquaintance or not as she pleases, so if all your +gallantry is repaid by a cut the next time you meet her, you must +submit, and hope for better luck next time. In such a case, you are at +liberty to decline escorting her again should the request be made. + +When traveling alone, your opportunities to display your gallantry will +be still more numerous. To offer to carry a bag for a lady who is +unattended, to raise or lower a window for her, offer to check her +baggage, procure her a hack, give her your arm from car to boat or boat +to car, assist her children over the bad crossings, or in fact extend +any such kindness, will mark you as a gentleman, and win you the thanks +due to your courtesy. Be careful however not to be too attentive, as you +then become officious, and embarrass when you mean to please. + +If you are going to travel in other countries, in Europe, especially, I +would advise you to study the languages, before you attempt to go +abroad. French is the tongue you will find most useful in Europe, as it +is spoken in the courts, and amongst diplomatists; but, in order fully +to enjoy a visit to any country, you must speak the language of that +country. You can then visit in the private houses, see life among the +peasantry, go with confidence from village to town, from city to city, +learning more of the country in one day from familiar intercourse with +the natives, than you would learn in a year from guide books or the +explanations of your courier. The way to really enjoy a journey through +a strange land, is not to roll over the high ways in your carriage, stop +at the hotels, and be led to the points of interest by your guide, but +to shoulder your knapsack, or take up your valise, and make a pedestrian +tour through the hamlets and villages. Take a room at a hotel in the +principal cities if you will, and see all that your guide book commands +you to seek, and then start on your own tour of investigation, and +believe me you will enjoy your independent walks and chats with the +villagers and peasants, infinitely more than your visits dictated by +others. Of course, to enjoy this mode of traveling, you must have some +knowledge of the language, and if you start with only a very slight +acquaintance with it, you will be surprised to find how rapidly you will +acquire the power to converse, when you are thus forced to speak in that +language, or be entirely silent. + +Your pocket, too, will be the gainer by the power to arrange your own +affairs. If you travel with a courier and depend upon him to arrange +your hotel bills and other matters, you will be cheated by every one, +from the boy who blacks your boots, to the magnificent artist, who +undertakes to fill your picture gallery with the works of the “old +masters.” If Murillo, Raphael, and Guido could see the pictures brought +annually to this country as genuine works of their pencils, we are +certain that they would tear their ghostly hair, wring their shadowy +hands, and return to the tomb again in disgust. Ignorant of the language +of the country you are visiting, you will be swindled in the little +villages and the large cities by the inn-keepers and the hack-drivers, +in the country and in the town, morning, noon, and evening, daily, +hourly, and weekly; so, again I say, study the languages if you propose +going abroad. + +In a foreign country nothing stamps the difference between the gentleman +and the clown more strongly than the regard they pay to foreign +customs. While the latter will exclaim against every strange dress or +dish, and even show signs of disgust if the latter does not please him, +the former will endeavor, as far as is in his power, to “do in Rome as +Romans do.” + +Accustom yourself, as soon as possible, to the customs of the nation +which you are visiting, and, as far as you can without any violation of +principle, follow them. You will add much to your own comfort by so +doing, for, as you cannot expect the whole nation to conform to your +habits, the sooner you fall in with theirs the sooner you will feel at +home in the strange land. + +Never ridicule or blame any usage which seems to you ludicrous or wrong. +You may wound those around you, or you may anger them, and it cannot add +to the pleasure of your visit to make yourself unpopular. If in Germany +they serve your meat upon marmalade, or your beef raw, or in Italy give +you peas in their pods, or in France offer you frog’s legs and +horsesteaks, if you cannot eat the strange viands, make no remarks and +repress every look or gesture of disgust. Try to adapt your taste to the +dishes, and if you find that impossible, remove those articles you +cannot eat from your plate, and make your meal upon the others, but do +this silently and quietly, endeavoring not to attract attention. + +The best travelers are those who can eat cats in China, oil in +Greenland, frogs in France, and maccaroni in Italy; who can smoke a +meershaum in Germany, ride an elephant in India, shoot partridges in +England, and wear a turban in Turkey; in short, in every nation adapt +their habits, costume, and taste to the national manners, dress and +dishes. + +Do not, when abroad, speak continually in praise of your own country, or +disparagingly of others. If you find others are interested in gaining +information about America, speak candidly and freely of its customs, +scenery, or products, but not in a way that will imply a contempt of +other countries. To turn up your nose at the Thames because the +Mississippi is longer and wider, or to sneer at _any_ object because you +have seen its superior at home, is rude, ill-bred, and in excessively +bad taste. You will find abroad numerous objects of interest which +America cannot parallel, and while abroad, you will do well to avoid +mention of “our rivers,” “our mountains,” or, “our manufactories.” You +will find ruins in Rome, pictures in Florence, cemeteries in France, and +factories in England, which will take the lead and challenge the world +to compete; and you will exhibit a far better spirit if you candidly +acknowledge that superiority, than if you make absurd and untrue +assertions of “our” power to excel them. + +You will, of course, meet with much to disapprove, much that will excite +your laughter; but control the one and keep silence about the other. If +you find fault, do so gently and quietly; if you praise, do so without +qualification, sincerely and warmly. + +Study well the geography of any country which you may visit, and, as far +as possible, its history also. You cannot feel much interest in +localities or monuments connected with history, if you are unacquainted +with the events which make them worthy of note. + +Converse with any who seem disposed to form an acquaintance. You may +thus pass an hour or two pleasantly, obtain useful information, and you +need not carry on the acquaintance unless you choose to do so. Amongst +the higher circles in Europe you will find many of the customs of each +nation in other nations, but it is among the peasants and the people +that you find the true nationality. + +You may carry with you one rule into every country, which is, that, +however much the inhabitants may object to your dress, language, or +habits, they will cheerfully acknowledge that the American stranger is +perfectly amiable and polite. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH. + + +It is not, in this book, a question, what you must believe, but how you +must act. If your conscience permits you to visit other churches than +your own, your first duty, whilst in them, is not to sneer or scoff at +any of its forms, and to follow the service as closely as you can. + +To remove your hat upon entering the edifice devoted to the worship of a +Higher Power, is a sign of respect never to be omitted. Many men will +omit in foreign churches this custom so expressive and touching, and by +the omission make others believe them irreverent and foolish, even +though they may act from mere thoughtlessness. If, however, you are in a +country where the head is kept covered, and another form of humility +adopted, you need not fear to follow the custom of those around you. You +will be more respected if you pay deference to their religious views, +than if you undertook to prove your superiority by affecting a contempt +for any form of worship. Enter with your thoughts fixed upon high and +holy subjects, and your face will show your devotion, even if you are +ignorant of the forms of that particular church. + +If you are with a lady, in a catholic church, offer her the holy water +with your hand ungloved, for, as it is in the intercourse with princes, +that church requires all the ceremonies to be performed with the bare +hand. + +Pass up the aisle with your companion until you reach the pew you are to +occupy, then step before her, open the door, and hold it open while she +enters the pew. Then follow her, closing the door after you. + +If you are visiting a strange church, request the sexton to give you a +seat. Never enter a pew uninvited. If you are in your own pew in church, +and see strangers looking for a place, open your pew door, invite them +by a motion to enter, and hold the door open for them, re-entering +yourself after they are seated. + +If others around you do not pay what you think a proper attention to the +services, do not, by scornful glances or whispered remarks, notice their +omissions. Strive, by your own devotion, to forget those near you. + +You may offer a book or fan to a stranger near you, if unprovided +themselves, whether they be young or old, lady or gentleman. + +Remain kneeling as long as those around you do so. Do not, if your own +devotion is not satisfied by your attitude, throw scornful glances upon +those who remain seated, or merely bow their heads. Above all never sign +to them, or speak, reminding them of the position most suitable for the +service. Keep your own position, but do not think you have the right to +dictate to others. I have heard young persons addressing, with words of +reproach, old men, and lame ones, whose infirmities forbade them to +kneel or stand in church, but who were, doubtless, as good Christians as +their presumptuous advisers. I know that it often is an effort to +remain silent when those in another pew talk incessantly in a low tone +or whisper, or sing in a loud tone, out of all time or tune, or read the +wrong responses in a voice of thunder; but, while you carefully avoid +such faults yourself, you must pass them over in others, without remark. + +If, when abroad, you visit a church to see the pictures or monuments +within its walls, and not for worship, choose the hours when there is no +service being read. Even if you are alone, or merely with a guide, speak +low, walk slowly, and keep an air of quiet respect in the edifice +devoted to the service of God. + +Let me here protest against an Americanism of which modest ladies justly +complain; it is that of gentlemen standing in groups round the doors of +churches both before and after service. A well-bred man will not indulge +in this practice; and, if detained upon the step by a friend, or, whilst +waiting for another person, he will stand aside and allow plenty of room +for others to pass in, and will never bring the blood into a woman’s +face by a long, curious stare. + +In church, as in every other position in life, the most unselfish man is +the most perfect gentleman; so, if you wish to retain your position as a +well-bred man, you will, in a crowded church, offer your seat to any +lady, or old man, who may be standing. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. + + +1. Always avoid any rude or boisterous action, especially when in the +presence of ladies. It is not necessary to be stiff, indolent, or +sullenly silent, neither is perfect gravity always required, but if you +jest let it be with quiet, gentlemanly wit, never depending upon +clownish gestures for the effect of a story. Nothing marks the gentleman +so soon and so decidedly as quiet, refined ease of manner. + +2. Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring a bell, pick up a +handkerchief or glove she may have dropped, or, in short, perform any +service for herself which you can perform for her, when you are in the +room. By extending such courtesies to your mother, sisters, or other +members of your family, they become habitual, and are thus more +gracefully performed when abroad. + +3. Never perform any little service for another with a formal bow or +manner as if conferring a favor, but with a quiet gentlemanly ease as if +it were, not a ceremonious, unaccustomed performance, but a matter of +course, for you to be courteous. + +4. It is not necessary to tell _all_ that you know; that were mere +folly; but what a man says must be what he believes himself, else he +violates the first rule for a gentleman’s speech--Truth. + +5. Avoid gambling as you would poison. Every bet made, even in the most +finished circles of society, is a species of gambling, and this ruinous +crime comes on by slow degrees. Whilst a man is minding his business, he +is playing the best game, and he is sure to win. You will be tempted to +the vice by those whom the world calls gentlemen, but you will find that +loss makes you angry, and an angry man is never a courteous one; gain +excites you to continue the pursuit of the vice; and, in the end you +will lose money, good name, health, good conscience, light heart, and +honesty; while you gain evil associates, irregular hours and habits, a +suspicious, fretful temper, and a remorseful, tormenting conscience. +Some one _must_ lose in the game; and, if you win it, it is at the risk +of driving a fellow creature to despair. + +6. Cultivate tact! In society it will be an invaluable aid. Talent is +something, but tact is everything. Talent is serious, sober, grave, and +respectable; tact is all that and more too. It is not a sixth sense, but +it is the life of all the five. It is the _open_ eye, the _quick_ ear, +the _judging_ taste, the _keen_ smell, and the _lively_ touch; it is the +interpreter of all riddles--the surmounter of all difficulties--the +remover of all obstacles. It is useful in all places, and at all times; +it is useful in solitude, for it shows a man his way _into_ the world; +it is useful in society, for it shows him his way _through_ the world. +Talent is power--tact is skill; talent is weight--tact is momentum; +talent knows what to do--tact knows how to do it; talent makes a man +respectable--tact will make him respected; talent is wealth--tact is +ready money. For all the practical purposes of society tact carries +against talent ten to one. + +7. Nature has left every man a capacity of being agreeable, though all +cannot _shine_ in company; but there are many men sufficiently qualified +for both, who, by a very few faults, that a little attention would soon +correct, are not so much as tolerable. Watch, avoid such faults. + +8. Habits of self-possession and self-control acquired early in life, +are the best foundation for the formation of gentlemanly manners. If you +unite with this the constant intercourse with ladies and gentlemen of +refinement and education, you will add to the dignity of perfect self +command, the polished ease of polite society. + +9. Avoid a conceited manner. It is exceedingly ill-bred to assume a +manner as if you were superior to those around you, and it is, too, a +proof, not of superiority but of vulgarity. And to avoid this manner, +avoid the foundation of it, and cultivate humility. The praises of +others should be of use to you, in teaching, not what you are, perhaps, +but in pointing out what you ought to be. + +10. Avoid pride, too; it often miscalculates, and more often +misconceives. The proud man places himself at a distance from other men; +seen through that distance, others, perhaps, appear little to him; but +he forgets that this very distance causes him also to appear little to +others. + +11. A gentleman’s title suggests to him humility and affability; to be +easy of access, to pass by neglects and offences, especially from +inferiors; neither to despise any for their bad fortune or misery, nor +to be afraid to own those who are unjustly oppressed; not to domineer +over inferiors, nor to be either disrespectful or cringing to superiors; +not standing upon his family name, or wealth, but making these secondary +to his attainments in civility, industry, gentleness, and discretion. + +12. Chesterfield says, “All ceremonies are, in themselves, very silly +things; but yet a man of the world should know them. They are the +outworks of manners, which would be too often broken in upon if it were +not for that defence which keeps the enemy at a proper distance. It is +for that reason I always treat fools and coxcombs with great ceremony, +true good breeding not being a sufficient barrier against them.” + +13. When you meet a lady at the foot of a flight of stairs, do not wait +for her to ascend, but bow, and go up before her. + +14. In meeting a lady at the head of a flight of stairs, wait for her to +precede you in the descent. + +15. Avoid slang. It does not beautify, but it sullies conversation. +“Just listen, for a moment, to our fast young man, or the ape of a fast +young man, who thinks that to be a man he must speak in the dark +phraseology of slang. If he does anything on his own responsibility, he +does it on his own ‘hook.’ If he sees anything remarkably good, he calls +it a ‘stunner,’ the superlative of which is a ‘regular stunner.’ If a +man is requested to pay a tavern bill, he is asked if he will ‘stand +Sam.’ If he meets a savage-looking dog, he calls him an ‘ugly customer.’ +If he meets an eccentric man, he calls him a ‘rummy old cove.’ A +sensible man is a ‘chap that is up to snuff.’ Our young friend never +scolds, but ‘blows up;’ never pays, but ‘stumps up;’ never finds it too +difficult to pay, but is ‘hard up.’ He has no hat, but shelters his head +beneath a ‘tile.’ He wears no neckcloth, but surrounds his throat with a +‘choker.’ He lives nowhere, but there is some place where he ‘hangs +out.’ He never goes away or withdraws, but he ‘bolts’--he ‘slopes’--he +‘mizzles’--he ‘makes himself scarce’--he ‘walks his chalks’--he ‘makes +tracks’--he ‘cuts stick’--or, what is the same thing, he ‘cuts his +lucky!’ The highest compliment that you can pay him is to tell him that +he is a ‘regular brick.’ He does not profess to be brave, but he prides +himself on being ‘plucky.’ Money is a word which he has forgotten, but +he talks a good deal about ‘tin,’ and the ‘needful,’ ‘the rhino,’ and +‘the ready.’ When a man speaks, he ‘spouts;’ when he holds his peace, he +‘shuts up;’ when he is humiliated, he is ‘taken down a peg or two,’ and +made to ‘sing small.’ Now, besides the vulgarity of such expressions, +there is much in slang that is objectionable in a moral point of view. +For example, the word ‘governor,’ as applied to a father, is to be +reprehended. Does it not betray, on the part of young men, great +ignorance of the paternal and filial relationship, or great contempt for +them? Their father is to such young men merely a governor,--merely a +representative of authority. Innocently enough the expression is used by +thousands of young men who venerate and love their parents; but only +think of it, and I am sure that you will admit that it is a cold, +heartless word when thus applied, and one that ought forthwith to be +abandoned.” + +16. There are few traits of social life more repulsive than tyranny. I +refer not to the wrongs, real or imaginary, that engage our attention in +ancient and modern history; my tyrants are not those who have waded +through blood to thrones, and grievously oppress their brother men. I +speak of the _petty_ tyrants of the fireside and the social circle, who +trample like very despots on the opinions of their fellows. You meet +people of this class everywhere; they stalk by your side in the streets; +they seat themselves in the pleasant circle on the hearth, casting a +gloom on gayety; and they start up dark and scowling in the midst of +scenes of innocent mirth, to chill and frown down every participator. +They “pooh! pooh!” at every opinion advanced; they make the lives of +their mothers, sisters, wives, children, unbearable. Beware then of +tyranny. A gentleman is ever humble, and the tyrant is never courteous. + +17. Cultivate the virtues of the soul, strong principle, incorruptible +integrity, usefulness, refined intellect, and fidelity in seeking for +truth. A man in proportion as he has these virtues will be honored and +welcomed everywhere. + +18. Gentility is neither in birth, wealth, or fashion, but in the mind. +A high sense of honor, a determination never to take a mean advantage of +another, adherence to truth, delicacy and politeness towards those with +whom we hold intercourse, are the essential characteristics of a +gentleman. + +19. Little attentions to your mother, your wife, and your sister, will +beget much love. The man who is a rude husband, son, and brother, cannot +be a gentleman; he may ape the manners of one, but, wanting the +refinement of heart that would make him courteous at home, his +politeness is but a thin cloak to cover a rude, unpolished mind. + +20. At table, always eat slowly, but do not delay those around you by +toying with your food, or neglecting the business before you to chat, +till all the others are ready to leave the table, but must wait until +you repair your negligence, by hastily swallowing your food. + +21. Are you a husband? Custom entitles you to be the “lord and master” +over your household. But don’t assume the _master_ and sink the _lord_. +Remember that noble generosity, forbearance, amiability, and integrity +are the _lordly_ attributes of man. As a husband, therefore, exhibit the +true nobility of man, and seek to govern your household by the display +of high moral excellence. + +A domineering spirit--a fault-finding petulance--impatience of trifling +delays--and the exhibition of unworthy passion at the slightest +provocation can add no laurel to your own “lordly” brow, impart no +sweetness to home, and call forth no respect from those by whom you may +be surrounded. It is one thing to be a _master_, another to be a _man_. +The latter should be the husband’s aspiration; for he who cannot govern +himself, is ill-qualified to rule others. You can hardly imagine how +refreshing it is to occasionally call up the recollection of your +courting days. How tediously the hours rolled away prior to the +appointed time of meeting; how swift they seemed to fly, when met; how +fond was the first greeting; how tender the last embrace; how fervent +were your vows; how vivid your dreams of future happiness, when, +returning to your home, you felt yourself secure in the confessed love +of the object of your warm affections! Is your dream realized?--are you +so happy as you expected?--why not? Consider whether as a husband you +are as fervent and constant as you were when a lover. Remember that the +wife’s claims to your unremitting regard--great before marriage, are now +exalted to a much higher degree. She has left the world for you--the +home of her childhood, the fireside of her parents, their watchful care +and sweet intercourse have all been yielded up for you. Look then most +jealously upon all that may tend to attract you from home, and to weaken +that union upon which your temporal happiness mainly depends; and +believe that in the solemn relationship of HUSBAND is to be found one of +the best guarantees for man’s honor and happiness. + +22. Perhaps the true definition of a gentleman is this: “Whoever is +open, loyal, and true; whoever is of humane and affable demeanor; +whoever is honorable in himself, and in his judgment of others, and +requires no law but his word to make him fulfil an engagement; such a +man is a gentleman, be he in the highest or lowest rank of life, a man +of elegant refinement and intellect, or the most unpolished tiller of +the ground.” + +23. In the street, etiquette does not require a gentleman to take off +his glove to shake hands with a lady, unless her hand is uncovered. In +the house, however, the rule is imperative, he must not offer a lady a +gloved hand. In the street, if his hand be very warm or very cold, or +the glove cannot be readily removed, it is much better to offer the +covered hand than to offend the lady’s touch, or delay the salutation +during an awkward fumble to remove the glove. + +24. Sterne says, “True courtship consists in a number of quiet, +gentlemanly attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, not so vague as to +be misunderstood.” A clown will terrify by his boldness, a proud man +chill by his reserve, but a gentleman will win by the happy mixture of +the two. + +25. Use no profane language, utter no word that will cause the most +virtuous to blush. Profanity is a mark of low breeding; and the tendency +of using indecent and profane language is degrading to your minds. Its +injurious effects may not be felt at the moment, but they will continue +to manifest themselves to you through life. They may never be +obliterated; and, if you allow the fault to become habitual, you will +often find at your tongue’s end some expressions which you would not use +for any money. By being careful on this point you may save yourself much +mortification and sorrow. + +“Good men have been taken sick and become delirious. In these moments +they have used the most vile and indecent language. When informed of it, +after a restoration to health, they had no idea of the pain they had +given to their friends, and stated that they had learned and repeated +the expressions in childhood, and though years had passed since they had +spoken a bad word, the early impressions had been indelibly stamped upon +the mind.” + +Think of this, ye who are tempted to use improper language, and never +let a vile word disgrace you. An oath never falls from the tongue of the +man who commands respect. + +Honesty, frankness, generosity, and virtue are noble traits. Let these +be yours, and do not fear. You will then claim the esteem and love of +all. + +26. Courteous and friendly conduct may, probably will, sometimes meet +with an unworthy and ungrateful return; but the absence of gratitude and +similar courtesy on the part of the receiver cannot destroy the +self-approbation which recompenses the giver. We may scatter the seeds +of courtesy and kindness around us at little expense. Some of them will +inevitably fall on good ground, and grow up into benevolence in the +minds of others, and all of them will bear the fruit of happiness in the +bosom whence they spring. A kindly action always fixes itself on the +heart of the truly thoughtful and polite man. + +27. Learn to restrain anger. A man in a passion ceases to be a +gentleman, and if you do not control your passions, rely upon it, they +will one day control you. The intoxication of anger, like that of the +grape, shows us to others, but hides us from ourselves, and we injure +our own cause in the opinion of the world when we _too_ passionately and +eagerly defend it. Neither will all men be disposed to view our quarrels +in the same light that we do; and a man’s blindness to his own defects +will ever increase in proportion as he is angry with others, or pleased +with himself. An old English writer says:-- + +“As a preventative of anger, banish all tale-bearers and slanderers from +your conversation, for it is these blow the devil’s bellows to rouse up +the flames of rage and fury, by first abusing your ears, and then your +credulity, and after that steal away your patience, and all this, +perhaps, for a lie. To prevent anger, be not too inquisitive into the +affairs of others, or what people say of yourself, or into the mistakes +of your friends, for this is going out to gather sticks to kindle a fire +to burn your own house.” + +28. Keep good company or none. You will lose your own self-respect, and +habits of courtesy sooner and more effectually by intercourse with low +company, than in any other manner; while, in good company, these virtues +will be cultivated and become habitual. + +29. Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than to make an engagement, +be it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your memory is not +sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you make stored +within it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there. +Especially, keep any appointment made with a lady, for, depend upon it, +the fair sex forgive any other fault in good breeding, sooner than a +broken engagement. + +30. Avoid personality; nothing is more ungentlemanly. The tone of good +company is marked by its entire absence. Among well-informed persons +there are plenty of topics to discuss, without giving pain to any one +present. + +31. Make it a rule to be always punctual in keeping an appointment, and, +when it is convenient, be a little beforehand. Such a habit ensures that +composure and ease which is the very essence of gentlemanly deportment; +want of it keeps you always in a fever and bustle and no man who is +hurried and feverish appears so well as he whose punctuality keeps him +cool and composed. + +32. It is right to cultivate a laudable ambition, but do not exaggerate +your capacity. The world will not give you credit for half what you +esteem yourself. Some men think it so much gained to pass for more than +they are worth; but in most cases the deception will be discovered, +sooner or later, and the rebound will be greater than the gain. We may, +therefore, set it down as a truth, that it is a damage to a man to have +credit for greater powers than he possesses. + +33. Be ready to apologize when you have committed a fault which gives +offence. Better, far better, to retain a friend by a frank, courteous +apology for offence given, than to make an enemy by obstinately denying +or persisting in the fault. + +34. An apology made to yourself must be accepted. No matter how great +the offence, a gentleman cannot keep his anger after an apology has been +made, and thus, amongst truly well-bred men, an apology is always +accepted. + +35. Unless you have something of real importance to ask or communicate, +do not stop a gentleman in the street during business hours. You may +detain him from important engagements, and, though he may be too +well-bred to show annoyance, he will not thank you for such detention. + +36. If, when on your way to fulfil an engagement, a friend stops you in +the street, you may, without committing any breach of etiquette, tell +him of your appointment, and release yourself from a long talk, but do +so in a courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity. + +37. If, when meeting two gentlemen, you are obliged to detain one of +them, apologize to the other for so doing, whether he is an acquaintance +or a stranger, and do not keep him waiting a moment longer than is +necessary. + +38. Have you a sister? Then love and cherish her with all that pure and +holy friendship which renders a brother so worthy and noble. Learn to +appreciate her sweet influence as portrayed in the following words: + +“He who has never known a sister’s kind administration, nor felt his +heart warming beneath her endearing smile and love-beaming eye, has been +unfortunate indeed. It is not to be wondered at if the fountains of pure +feeling flow in his bosom but sluggishly, or if the gentle emotions of +his nature be lost in the sterner attributes of mankind. + +“‘That man has grown up among affectionate sisters,’ I once heard a lady +of much observation and experience remark. + +“‘And why do you think so?’ said I. + +“‘Because of the rich development of all the tender feelings of the +heart.’ + +“A sister’s influence is felt even in manhood’s riper years; and the +heart of him who has grown cold in chilly contact with the world will +warm and thrill with pure enjoyment as some accident awakens within him +the soft tones, the glad melodies of his sister’s voice; and he will +turn from purposes which a warped and false philosophy had reasoned into +expediency, and even weep for the gentle influences which moved him in +his earlier years.” + +The man who would treat a sister with harshness, rudeness, or +disrespect, is unworthy of the name of gentleman, for he thus proves +that the courtesies he extends to other ladies, are not the promptings +of the heart, but the mere external signs of etiquette; the husk without +the sweet fruit within. + +39. When walking with a friend in the street, never leave him to speak +to another friend without apologizing for so doing. + +40. If walking with a lady, never leave her alone in the street, under +any circumstances. It is a gross violation of etiquette to do so. + +41. The most truly gentlemanly man is he who is the most unselfish, so I +would say in the words of the Rev. J. A. James: + +“Live for some purpose in the world. Act your part well. Fill up the +measure of duty to others. Conduct yourselves so that you shall be +missed with sorrow when you are gone. Multitudes of our species are +living in such a selfish manner that they are not likely to be +remembered after their disappearance. They leave behind them scarcely +any traces of their existence, but are forgotten almost as though they +had never been. They are while they live, like one pebble lying +unobserved amongst a million on the shore; and when they die, they are +like that same pebble thrown into the sea, which just ruffles the +surface, sinks, and is forgotten, without being missed from the beach. +They are neither regretted by the rich, wanted by the poor, nor +celebrated by the learned. Who has been the better for their life? Who +has been the worse for their death? Whose tears have they dried up? +whose wants supplied? whose miseries have they healed? Who would unbar +the gate of life, to re-admit them to existence? or what face would +greet them back again to our world with a smile? Wretched, unproductive +mode of existence! Selfishness is its own curse; it is a starving vice. +The man who does no good, gets none. He is like the heath in the desert, +neither yielding fruit, nor seeing when good cometh--a stunted, +dwarfish, miserable shrub.” + +42. Separate the syllables of the word gentleman, and you will see that +the first requisite must be gentleness--_gentle_-man. Mackenzie says, +“Few persons are sufficiently aware of the power of gentleness. It is +slow in working, but it is infallible in its results. It makes no noise; +it neither invites attention, nor provokes resistance; but it is God’s +great law, in the moral as in the natural world, for accomplishing great +results. The progressive dawn of day, the flow of the tide, the lapse of +time, the changes of the seasons--these are carried on by slow and +imperceptible degrees, yet their progress and issue none can mistake or +resist. Equally certain and surprising are the triumphs of gentleness. +It assumes nothing, yet it can disarm the stoutest opposition; it +yields, but yielding is the element of its strength; it endures, but in +the warfare victory is not gained by doing, but by suffering.” + +43. Perfect composure of manner requires perfect peace of mind, so you +should, as far as lies in human power, avoid the evils which make an +unquiet mind, and, first of all, avoid that cheating, swindling process +called “running in debt.” Owe no man anything; avoid it as you would +avoid war, pestilence, and famine. Hate it with a perfect hatred. As you +value comfort, quiet, and independence, keep out of debt. As you value a +healthy appetite, placid temper, pleasant dreams, and happy wakings, +keep out of debt. It is the hardest of all task-masters; the most cruel +of all oppressors. It is a mill-stone about the neck. It is an incubus +on the heart. It furrows the forehead with premature wrinkles. It drags +the nobleness and kindness out of the port and bearing of a man; it +takes the soul out of his laugh, and all stateliness and freedom from +his walk. Come not, then, under its crushing dominion. + +44. Speak gently; a kind refusal will often wound less than a rough, +ungracious assent. + +45. “In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch your temper; +in society, watch your tongue.” + +46. The true secret of pleasing all the world, is to have an humble +opinion of yourself. True goodness is invariably accompanied by +gentleness, courtesy, and humility. Those people who are always +“sticking on their dignity,” are continually losing friends, making +enemies, and fostering a spirit of unhappiness in themselves. + +47. Are you a merchant? Remember that the counting-house is no less a +school of manners and temper than a school of morals. Vulgarity, +imperiousness, peevishness, caprice on the part of the heads, will +produce their corresponding effects upon the household. Some merchants +are petty tyrants. Some are too surly to be fit for any charge, unless +it be that of taming a shrew. The coarseness of others, in manner and +language, must either disgust or contaminate all their subordinates. In +one establishment you will encounter an unmanly levity, which precludes +all discipline. In another, a mock dignity, which supplies the juveniles +with a standing theme of ridicule. In a third, a capriciousness of mood +and temper, which reminds one of the prophetic hints of the weather in +the old almanacks--“windy”--“cool”--“very pleasant”--“blustering”--“look +out for storms”--and the like. And, in a fourth, a selfish acerbity, +which exacts the most unreasonable services, and never cheers a clerk +with a word of encouragement.--These are sad infirmities. Men ought not +to have clerks until they know how to treat them. Their own comfort, +too, would be greatly enhanced by a different deportment. + +48. If you are about to enter, or leave, a store or any door, and +unexpectedly meet a lady going the other way, stand aside and raise your +hat whilst she passes. If she is going the same way, and the door is +closed, pass before her, saying, “allow me,” or, “permit me,”--open the +door, and hold it open whilst she passes. + +49. In entering a room where you will meet ladies, take your hat, cane, +and gloves in your left hand, that your right may be free to offer to +them. + +50. Never offer to shake hands with a lady; she will, if she wishes you +to do so, offer her hand to you, and it is an impertinence for you to do +so first. + +51. If you are seated in the most comfortable chair in a public room, +and a lady, an invalid, or an old man enters, rise, and offer your seat, +even if they are strangers to you. Many men will attend to these +civilities when with friends or acquaintances, and neglect them amongst +strangers, but the true gentleman will not wait for an introduction +before performing an act of courtesy. + +52. As both flattery and slander are in the highest degree blameable and +ungentlemanly, I would quote the rule of Bishop Beveridge, which +effectually prevents both. He says, “Never speak of a man’s virtue +before his face, nor of his faults behind his back.” + +53. Never enter a room, in which there are ladies, after smoking, until +you have purified both your mouth, teeth, hair, and clothes. If you wish +to smoke just before entering a saloon, wear an old coat and carefully +brush your hair and teeth before resuming your own. + +54. Never endeavor to attract the attention of a friend by nudging him, +touching his foot or hand secretly, or making him a gesture. If you +cannot speak to him frankly, you had best let him alone; for these +signals are generally made with the intention of ridiculing a third +person, and that is the height of rudeness. + +55. Button-holding is a common but most blameable breach of good +manners. If a man requires to be forcibly detained to listen to you, you +are as rude in thus detaining him, as if you had put a pistol to his +head and threatened to blow his brains out if he stirred. + +56. It is a great piece of rudeness to make a remark in general company, +which is intelligible to one person only. To call out, “George, I met D. +L. yesterday, and he says he will attend to that matter,” is as bad as +if you went to George and whispered in his ear. + +57. In your intercourse with servants, nothing will mark you as a +well-bred man, so much as a gentle, courteous manner. A request will +make your wishes attended to as quickly as a command, and thanks for a +service, oil the springs of the servant’s labor immensely. Rough, harsh +commands may make your orders obeyed well and promptly, but they will be +executed unwillingly, in fear, and, probably, dislike, while courtesy +and kindness will win a willing spirit as well as prompt service. + +58. Avoid eccentric conduct. It does not, as many suppose, mark a man of +genius. Most men of true genius are gentlemanly and reserved in their +intercourse with other men, and there are many fools whose folly is +called eccentricity. + +59. Avoid familiarity. Neither treat others with too great cordiality +nor suffer them to take liberties with you. To check the familiarity of +others, you need not become stiff, sullen, nor cold, but you will find +that excessive politeness on your own part, sometimes with a little +formality, will soon abash the intruder. + +60. Lazy, lounging attitudes in the presence of ladies are very rude. + +61. It is only the most arrant coxcomb who will boast of the favor shown +him by a lady, speak of her by her first name, or allow others to jest +with him upon his friendship or admiration for her. If he really admires +her, and has reason to hope for a future engagement with her, her name +should be as sacred to him as if she were already his wife; if, on the +contrary, he is not on intimate terms with her, then he adds a lie to +his excessively bad breeding, when using her name familiarly. + +62. “He that can please nobody is not so much to be pitied as he that +nobody can please.” + +63. Speak without obscurity or affectation. The first is a mark of +pedantry, the second a sign of folly. A wise man will speak always +clearly and intelligibly. + +64. To betray a confidence is to make yourself despicable. Many things +are said among friends which are not said under a seal of secrecy, but +are understood to be confidential, and a truly honorable man will never +violate this tacit confidence. It is really as sacred as if the most +solemn promises of silence bound your tongue; more so, indeed, to the +true gentleman, as his sense of honor, not his word, binds him. + +65. Chesterfield says, “As learning, honor, and virtue are absolutely +necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness +and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and +agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents, such as honor, +virtue, learning, and parts are above the generality of the world, who +neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others; but +all people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, +affability, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; because they +feel the good effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing.” + +66. “Good sense must, in many cases, determine good breeding; because +the same thing that would be civil at one time and to one person, may be +quite otherwise at another time and to another person.” + +67. Nothing can be more ill-bred than to meet a polite remark addressed +to you, either with inattention or a rude answer. + +68. Spirit is now a very fashionable word, but it is terribly +misapplied. In the present day to act with spirit and speak with spirit +means to act rashly and speak indiscretely. A gentleman shows his spirit +by firm, but gentle words and resolute actions. He is spirited but +neither rash nor timid. + +69. “Use kind words. They do not cost much. It does not take long to +utter them. They never blister the tongue or lips in their passage into +the world, or occasion any other kind of bodily suffering. And we have +never heard of any mental trouble arising from this quarter. + +“Though they do not COST much, yet they ACCOMPLISH much. They help one’s +own good nature and good will. One cannot be in a habit of this kind, +without thereby picking away something of the granite roughness of his +own nature. Soft words will soften his own soul. Philosophers tell us +that the angry words a man uses, in his passion, are fuel to the flame +of his wrath, and make it blaze the more fiercely. Why, then, should not +words of the opposite character produce opposite results, and that most +blessed of all passions of the soul, kindness, be augmented by kind +words? People that are forever speaking kindly, are forever disinclining +themselves to ill-temper. + +“Kind words make other people good natured. Cold words freeze people, +and hot words scorch them, and sarcastic words irritate them, and bitter +words make them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. And kind +words also produce their own image on men’s souls. And a beautiful image +it is. They soothe, and quiet, and comfort the hearer. They shame him +out of his sour, morose, unkind feelings, and he has to become kind +himself. + +“There is such a rush of all other kind of words, in our days, that it +seems desirable to give kind words a chance among them. There are vain +words, and idle words, and hasty words, and spiteful words, and silly +words, and empty words. Now, kind words are better than the whole of +them, and it is a pity that, among the improvements of the present age, +birds of this feather might not have more chance than they have had to +spread their wings. + +“Kind words are in danger of being driven from the field, like +frightened pigeons, in these days of boisterous words, and warlike +words, and passionate words. They have not the brass to stand up, like +so many grenadiers, and fight their own way among the throng. Besides, +they have been out of use so long, that they hardly know whether they +have any right to make their appearance any more in our bustling world; +not knowing but that, perhaps, the world was done with them, and would +not like their company any more. + +“Let us welcome them back. We have not done with them. We have not yet +begun to use them in such abundance as they ought to be used. We cannot +spare them.” + +70. The first step towards pleasing every one is to endeavor to offend +no one. To give pain by a light or jesting remark is as much a breach of +etiquette, as to give pain by a wound made with a steel weapon, is a +breach of humanity. + +71. “A gentleman will never use his tongue to rail and brawl against any +one; to speak evil of others in their absence; to exaggerate any of his +statements; to speak harshly to children or to the poor; to swear, lie, +or use improper language; to hazard random and improbable statements; to +speak rashly or violently upon any subject; to deceive people by +circulating false reports, or to offer up _lip_-service in religion. But +he will use it to convey to mankind useful information; to instruct his +family and others who need it; to warn and reprove the wicked; to +comfort and console the afflicted; to cheer the timid and fearful; to +defend the innocent and oppressed; to plead for the widow and orphan; to +congratulate the success of the virtuous, and to confess, tearfully and +prayerfully, his faults.” + +72. Chesterfield says, “Civility is particularly due to all women; and, +remember, that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not +being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be +reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to +their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior +strength of ours; nay, even a little is allowable with women: and a man +may, without weakness, tell a women she is either handsomer or wiser +than she is.” (Chesterfield would not have said this in the present age +of strong minded, sensible women.) + +73. There is much tact and good breeding to be displayed in the +correction of any little error that may occur in conversation. To say, +shortly,--“You are wrong! I know better!” is rude, and your friends +will much more readily admit an error if you say courteously and gently, +“Pardon me, but I must take the liberty of correcting you,” or, “You +will allow me, I am sure, to tell you that your informant made an +error.” If such an error is of no real importance, it is better to let +it pass unnoticed. + +74. Intimate friends and relations should be careful when they go out +into the world together, or admit others to their own circle, that they +do not make a bad use of the knowledge which they have gained of each +other by their intimacy. Nothing is more common than this; and, did it +not mostly proceed from mere carelessness, it would be superlatively +ungenerous. You seldom need wait for the written life of a man to hear +about his weaknesses, or what are supposed to be such, if you know his +intimate friends, or meet him in company with them. + +75. In making your first visit anywhere, you will be less apt to offend +by being too ceremonious, than by being too familiar. + +76. With your friends remember the old proverb, that, “Familiarity +breeds contempt.” + +77. If you meet, in society, with any one, be it a gentleman or a lady, +whose timidity or bashfulness, shows them unaccustomed to meeting +others, endeavor, by your own gentleness and courtesy, to place them +more at ease, and introduce to them those who will aid you in this +endeavor. + +78. If, when walking with a gentleman friend, you meet a lady to whom +your friend bows, you, too, must touch or raise your hat, though you +are not acquainted with the lady. + +79. “Although it is now very much the custom, in many wealthy families, +for the butler to remove the dishes from the table and carve them on the +sideboard, thus saving trouble to the master or mistress of the house, +and time to the guests, the practice is not so general even amongst what +are called the higher classes of society that general instructions for +carving will be uninteresting to them, to say nothing of the more +numerous class, who, although enabled to place good dishes before their +friends, are not wealthy enough to keep a butler if they were so +inclined. Good carving is, to a certain extent, indicative of good +society, for it proves to company that the host does not give a dinner +party for the first time, but is accustomed to receive friends, and +frequently to dispense the cheer of a hospitable board. The master or +mistress of a house, who does not know how to carve, is not unfrequently +looked upon as an ignorant _parvenu_, as a person who cannot take a hand +at whist, in good society, is regarded as one who has passed his time in +the parlor of a public house, playing at cribbage or all fours. +Independently, however, of the importance of knowing how to carve well, +for the purpose of regaling one’s friends and acquaintances, the +science, and it is a science, is a valuable acquirement for any man, as +it enables him, at a public or private dinner, to render valuable aid. +There are many diners-out who are welcome merely because they know how +to carve. Some men amuse by their conversation; others are favorites +because they can sing a good song; but the man who makes himself useful +and agreeable to all, is he who carves with elegance and speed. We +recommend the novice in this art, to keep a watchful eye upon every +superior carver whom he may meet at dinner. In this way he will soon +become well versed in the art and mystery of cutting up.” + +80. Years may pass over our heads without affording an opportunity for +acts of high beneficence or extensive utility; whereas, not a day +passes, but in common transactions of life, and, especially in the +intercourse of society, courtesy finds place for promoting the happiness +of others, and for strengthening in ourselves the habits of unselfish +politeness. There are situations, not a few, in human life, when an +encouraging reception, a condescending behaviour, and a look of +sympathy, bring greater relief to the heart than the most bountiful +gift. + +81. Cecil says, “You may easily make a sensation--but a sensation is a +vulgar triumph. To keep up the sensation of an excitement, you must be +always standing on your head (morally speaking), and the attitude, like +everything overstrained, would become fatiguing to yourself and tedious +to others. Whereas, to obtain permanent favor, as an agreeable, +well-bred man, requires simply an exercise of the understanding.” + +82. There is no vice more truly ungentlemanly than that of using profane +language. Lamont says: + +“Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe there never was a +man who made a fortune by common swearing. It often appears that men pay +for swearing, but it seldom happens that they are paid for it. It is not +easy to perceive what honor or credit is connected with it. Does any +man receive promotion because he is a notable blusterer? Or is any man +advanced to dignity because he is expert at profane swearing? Never. Low +must be the character which such impertinence will exalt: high must be +the character which such impertinence will not degrade. Inexcusable, +therefore, must be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to +support it. The drunkard has his cups; the satirist, his revenge; the +ambitious man, his preferments; the miser, his gold; but the common +swearer has nothing; he is a fool at large, sells his soul for nought, +and drudges in the service of the devil gratis. Swearing is void of all +plea; it is not the native offspring of the soul, nor interwoven with +the texture of the body, nor, anyhow, allied to our frame. For, as +Tillotson expresses it, ‘Though some men pour out oaths as if they were +natural, yet no man was ever born of a swearing constitution.’ But it is +a custom, a low and a paltry custom, picked up by low and paltry spirits +who have no sense of honor, no regard to decency, but are forced to +substitute some rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good +sense. Hence, the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the +silliness of those who adopt it.” + +83. Dr. Johnson says that to converse well “there must, in the first +place, be knowledge--there must be materials; in the second place, there +must be a command of words; in the third place, there must be +imagination to place things in such views as they are not commonly seen +in; and, in the fourth place, there must be a presence of mind, and a +resolution that is not to be overcome by failure--this last is an +essential requisite; for want of it, many people do not excel in +conversation.” + +84. “Do not constantly endeavor to draw the attention of all upon +yourself when in company. Leave room for your hearers to imagine +something within you beyond what you speak; and, remember, the more you +are praised the more you will be envied.” + +85. Be very careful to treat with attention and respect those who have +lately met with misfortunes, or have suffered from loss of fortune. Such +persons are apt to think themselves slighted, when no such thing is +intended. Their minds, being already sore, feel the least rub very +severely, and who would thus cruelly add affliction to the afflicted? +Not the _gentleman_ certainly. + +86. There is hardly any bodily blemish which a winning behavior will not +conceal or make tolerable; and there is no external grace which +ill-nature or affectation will not deform. + +87. Good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of the satirist; +but if you are the first to laugh at a jest made upon yourself, others +will laugh _with_ you instead of _at_ you. + +88. Whenever you see a person insult his inferiors, you may feel assured +that he is the man who will be servile and cringing to his superiors; +and he who acts the bully to the weak, will play the coward when with +the strong. + +89. Maintain, in every word, a strict regard for perfect truth. Do not +think of one falsity as harmless, another as slight, a third as +unintended. Cast them all aside. They may be light and accidental, but +they are an ugly soot from the smoke of the pit for all that, and it is +better to have your heart swept clean of them, without stopping to +consider whether they are large and black. + +90. The advantage and necessity of cheerfulness and intelligent +intercourse with the world is strongly to be recommended. A man who +keeps aloof from society and lives only for himself, does not fulfil the +wise intentions of Providence, who designed that we should be a mutual +help and comfort to each other in life. + +91. Chesterfield says, “Merit and good breeding will make their way +everywhere. Knowledge will introduce man, and good breeding will endear +him to the best companies; for, politeness and good breeding are +absolutely necessary to adorn any, or all, other good qualities or +talents. Without them, no knowledge, no perfection whatever, is seen in +its best light. The scholar, without good breeding, is a pedant; the +philosopher, a cynic; the soldier, a brute; and every man disagreeable.” + +92. It is very seldom that a man may permit himself to tell stories in +society; they are, generally, tedious, and, to many present, will +probably have all the weariness of a “twice-told tale.” A short, +brilliant anecdote, which is especially applicable to the conversation +going on, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit himself to +inflict. + +93. It is better to take the tone of the society into which you are +thrown, than to endeavor to lead others after you. The way to become +truly popular is to be grave with the grave, jest with the gay, and +converse sensibly with those who seek to display their sense. + +94. Watch each of your actions, when in society, that all the habits +which you contract there may be useful and good ones. Like flakes of +snow that fall unperceived upon the earth, the seemingly unimportant +events of life succeed one another. As the snow gathers together, so are +our habits formed. No single flake that is added to the pile produces a +sensible change--no single action creates, however it may exhibit, a +man’s character; but, as the tempest hurls the avalanche down the +mountain, and overwhelms the inhabitant and his habitation, so passion, +acting upon the elements of mischief, which pernicious habits have +brought together by imperceptible accumulation, may overthrow the +edifice of truth and virtue. + +95. There is no greater fault in good breeding than too great +diffidence. Shyness cramps every motion, clogs every word. The only way +to overcome the fault is to mix constantly in society, and the habitual +intercourse with others will give you the graceful ease of manner which +shyness utterly destroys. + +96. If you are obliged to leave a large company at an early hour, take +French leave. Slip away unperceived, if you can, but, at any rate, +without any formal leave-taking. + +97. Avoid quarrels. If you are convinced, even, that you have the right +side in an argument, yield your opinion gracefully, if this is the only +way to avoid a quarrel, saying, “We cannot agree, I see, but this +inability must not deprive me of a friend, so we will discuss the +subject no further.” Few men will be able to resist your courtesy and +good nature, but many would try to combat an obstinate adherence to +your own side of the question. + +98. Avoid the filthy habit of which foreigners in this country so justly +complain--I mean spitting. + +99. If any one bows to you in the street, return the bow. It may be an +acquaintance whose face you do not immediately recognize, and if it is a +stranger who mistakes you for another, your courteous bow will relieve +him from the embarrassment arising from his mistake. + +100. The following hints on conversation conclude the chapter:-- + +“Conversation may be carried on successfully by persons who have no idea +that it is or may be an art, as clever things are sometimes done without +study. But there can be no certainty of good conversation in ordinary +circumstances, and amongst ordinary minds, unless certain rules be +observed, and certain errors be avoided. + +“The first and greatest rule unquestionably is, that all must be +favorably disposed towards each other, and willing to be pleased. There +must be no sullen or uneasy-looking person--no one who evidently thinks +he has fallen into unsuitable company, and whose sole aim it is to take +care lest his dignity be injured--no one whose feelings are of so morose +or ascetic a kind that he cannot join without observable pain and +hesitation in the playfulness of the scene--no matter-of-fact person, +who takes all things literally, and means all things literally, and +thinks it as great a crime to say something in jest as to do it in +earnest. One of any of these classes of persons is sufficient to mar the +enjoyments of a hundred. The matter-of-factish may do very well with +the matter-of-factish, the morose with the morose, the stilted with the +stilted; and they should accordingly keep amongst themselves +respectively. But, for what is generally recognized as agreeable +conversation, minds exempted from these peculiarities are required. + +“The ordinary rules of politeness are, of course, necessary--no +rudeness, no offence to each other’s self-esteem; on the contrary, much +mutual deference is required, in order to keep all the elements of a +company sweet. Sometimes, however, there is a very turbid kind of +conversation, where there is no want of common good breeding. This, most +frequently, arises from there being too great a disposition to speak, +and too small a disposition to listen. Too many are eager to get their +ideas expressed, or to attract attention; and the consequence is, that +nothing is heard but broken snatches and fragments of discourse, in +which there is neither profit nor entertainment. No man listens to what +another has to say, and then makes a relative or additionally +illustrative remark. One may be heard for a minute, or half a minute, +but it is with manifest impatience; and the moment he is done, or stops +to draw breath, the other plunges in with what _he_ had to say, being +something quite of another strain, and referring to another subject. He +in his turn is interrupted by a third, with the enunciation of some +favorite ideas of his, equally irrelative; and thus conversation becomes +no conversation, but a contention for permission to speak a few hurried +words, which nobody cares to hear, or takes the trouble to answer. +Meanwhile, the modest and weak sit silent and ungratified. The want of +regulation is here very manifest. It would be better to have a president +who should allow everybody a minute in succession to speak without +interruption, than thus to have freedom, and so monstrously to abuse it. +The only remedy, as far as meetings by invitation are concerned, is to +take care that no more eager talkers are introduced than are absolutely +necessary to prevent conversation from flagging. One to every six or +eight persons is the utmost that can be safely allowed. + +“The danger of introducing politics, or any other notoriously +controversial subject, in mixed companies, is so generally acknowledged, +that conversation is in little danger--at least in polite circles--from +that source. But wranglements, nevertheless, are apt to arise. Very +frequently the company falls together by the ears in consequence of the +starting of some topic in which facts are concerned--with which facts no +one chances to be acquainted. + +“Conversation is often much spoilt through slight inattentions or +misapprehensions on the part of a particular member of the company. In +the midst of some interesting narrative or discussion, he suddenly puts +all to a stop, in order that some little perplexity may be explained, +which he could never have fallen into, if he had been paying a fair +degree of attention to what was going on. Or he has some precious +prejudice jarred upon by something said, or supposed to be said, and all +is at a stand, till he has been, through the united exertions of a vexed +company, re-assured and put at his ease. Often the most frivolous +interruption from such causes will disconcert the whole strain of the +conversation, and spoil the enjoyment of a score of people. + +“The eager speakers, already alluded to, are a different class from +those who may be called the determinedly loquacious. A thoroughly +loquacious man has no idea of anything but a constant outpouring of talk +from his own mouth. If he stops for a moment, he thinks he is not doing +his duty to the company; and, anxious that there should be no cause of +complaint against him on that score, he rather repeats a sentence, or +gives the same idea in different words, or hums and haws a little, than +allow the least pause to take place. The notion that any other body can +be desirous of saying a word, never enters his head. He would as soon +suppose that a beggar was anxious to bestow alms upon him, as that any +one could wish to speak, as long as he himself was willing to save them +the trouble. Any attempt to interrupt him is quite hopeless. The only +effect of the sound of another voice is to raise the sound of his own, +so as to drown it. Even to give a slight twist or turn to the flow of +his ideas, is scarce possible. When a decided attempt is made to get in +a few words, he only says, with an air of offended feeling, set off with +a tart courtesy, ‘Allow me, sir,’ or, ‘When you are done, sir;’ as if he +were a man whom nobody would allow, on any occasion, to say all he had +to say. If, however, he has been permitted to talk on and on incessantly +a whole evening, to the complete closing of the mouths of the rest, he +goes away with all the benevolent glow of feeling which arises from a +gratified faculty, remarking to the gentleman who takes his arm, ‘What a +great deal of pleasant conversation we have had!’ and chatters forth +all the way home such sentences as, ‘Excellent fellow, our host,’ +‘charming wife,’ ‘delightful family altogether,’ ‘always make everybody +so happy.’ + +“Another class of spoilers of conversation are the loud talkers or +blusterers. They are not numerous, but one is enough to destroy the +comfort of thirty people for a whole evening. The least opposition to +any of his ideas makes the blusterer rise in his might, and bellow, and +roar, and bellow again, till the whole company is in something like the +condition of Æneas’s fleet after Eolus has done his worst. The society +enjoyed by this kind of man is a series of _first invitations_. + +“While blusterers and determinedly loquacious persons are best left to +themselves, and while endless worryings on unknown things are to be +avoided, it is necessary both that one or two good conversationists +should be at every party, and that the strain of the conversation should +not be allowed to become too tame. In all invited parties, eight of +every ten persons are disposed to hold their peace, or to confine +themselves to monosyllabic answers to commonplace inquiries. It is +necessary, therefore, that there should be _some_ who can speak, and +that fluently, if not entertainingly--only not too many. But all +engrossing of conversation, and all turbulence, and over-eagerness, and +egotism, are to be condemned. A very soft and quiet manner has, at last, +been settled upon, in the more elevated circles, as the best for +conversation. Perhaps they carry it to a pitch of affectation; but, yet, +when we observe the injurious consequences of the opposite style in less +polite companies, it is not easy to avoid the conclusion that the great +folks are, upon the whole, right. In the courtly scene, no one has his +ears offended with loud and discordant tones, no one is condemned to +absolute silence. All display in conversation will not depend on the +accidental and external quality of strength of voice, as it must do +where a loud and contentious style of talking is allowed; the soft-toned +and the weak-lunged will have as good a chance as their more robust +neighbors; and it will be possible for all both to speak and to hear. +There may be another advantage in its being likely to produce less +mental excitement than the more turbulent kind of society. But +_regulation_ is, we are persuaded, the thing most of all wanted in the +conversational meetings of the middle classes. People interrupt each +other too much--are too apt to run away into their own favorite themes, +without caring for the topic of their neighbors--too frequently wrangle +about trifles. The regularity of a debating society would be +intolerable; but some certain degree of method might certainly be +introduced with great advantage. There should, at least, be a vigorous +enforcement of the rule against more than one speaking at a time, even +though none of those waiting for their turn should listen to a word he +says. Without this there may be much talk, and even some merriment, but +no conversation.” + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +PARTIES. + + +Now, there are many different kinds of parties. There are the evening +party, the matinée, the reading, dancing, and singing parties, the +picnic, the boating, and the riding parties; and the duties for each one +are distinct, yet, in many points, similar. Our present subject is:-- + + +THE EVENING PARTY. + +These are of two kinds, large and small. For the first, you will receive +a formal card, containing the compliments of your hostess for a certain +evening, and this calls for full dress, a dress coat, and white or very +light gloves. To the small party you will probably be invited verbally, +or by a more familiar style of note than the compliment card. Here you +may wear gloves if you will, but you need not do so unless perfectly +agreeable to yourself. + +If you are to act as escort to a lady, you must call at the hour she +chooses to name, and the most elegant way is to take a carriage for her. +If you wish to present a bouquet, you may do so with perfect propriety, +even if you have but a slight acquaintance with her. + +When you reach the house of your hostess for the evening, escort your +companion to the dressing-room, and leave her at the door. After you +have deposited your own hat and great-coat in the gentlemen’s +dressing-room, return to the ladies’ door and wait for your companion. +Offer her your right arm, and lead her to the drawing-room, and, at +once, to the hostess, then take her to a seat, and remain with her until +she has other companions, before you seek any of your own friends in the +room. + +There is much more real enjoyment and sociability in a _well-arranged_ +party, than in a ball, though many of the points of etiquette to be +observed in the latter are equally applicable to the former. There is +more time allowed for conversation, and, as there are not so many people +collected, there is also more opportunity for forming acquaintances. At +a _soirée_, _par excellence_, music, dancing, and conversation are all +admissible, and if the hostess has tact and discretion this variety is +very pleasing. As there are many times when there is no pianist or music +engaged for dancing, you will do well, if you are a performer on the +piano-forte, to learn some quadrilles, and round dances, that you may +volunteer your services as _orchestra_. Do not, in this case, wait to be +solicited to play, but offer your services to the hostess, or, if there +is a lady at the piano, ask permission to relieve her. To turn the +leaves for another, and sometimes call figures, are also good natured +and well-bred actions. + +There is one piece of rudeness very common at parties, against which I +would caution you. Young people very often form a group, and indulge in +the most boisterous merriment and loud laughter, for jests known only to +themselves. Do not join such a group. A well-bred man, while he is +cheerful and gay, will avoid any appearance of romping in society. + +If dancing is to be the amusement for the evening, your first dance +should be with the lady whom you accompanied, then, invite your hostess, +and, if there are several ladies in the family you must invite each of +them once, in the course of the evening. If you go alone, invite the +ladies of the house before dancing with any of your other lady friends. + +Never attempt any dance with which you are not perfectly familiar. +Nothing is more awkward and annoying than to have one dancer, by his +ignorance of the figures, confuse all the others in the set, and +certainly no man wants to show off his ignorance of the steps of a round +dance before a room full of company. + +Do not devote yourself too much to one lady. A party is meant to promote +sociability, and a man who persists in a tête-à-tête for the evening, +destroys this intention. Besides you prevent others from enjoying the +pleasure of intercourse with the lady you thus monopolize. + +Avoid any affectation of great intimacy with any lady present; and even +if you really enjoy such intimacy, or she is a relative, do not appear +to have confidential conversation, or, in any other way, affect airs of +secrecy or great familiarity. + +Dance easily and gracefully, keeping perfect time, but not taking too +great pains with your steps. If your whole attention is given to your +feet or carriage, you will probably be mistaken for a dancing master. + +When you conduct your partner to a seat after a dance, you may sit or +stand beside her to converse, unless you see that another gentleman is +waiting to invite her to dance. + +Do not take the vacant seat next a lady unless you are acquainted with +her. + +After dancing, do not offer your hand, but your arm, to conduct your +partner to her seat. + +If music is called for and you are able to play or sing, do so when +first invited, or, if you refuse then, do not afterwards comply. If you +refuse, and then alter your mind you will either be considered a vain +coxcomb, who likes to be urged; or some will conclude that you refused +at first from mere caprice, for, if you had a good reason for declining, +why change your mind? + +Never offer to turn the leaves of music for any one playing, unless you +can read the notes, for you run the risk of confusing them, by turning +too soon or too late. + +If you sing a good second, never sing with a lady unless she herself +invites you. Her friends may wish to hear you sing together, when she +herself may not wish to sing with one to whose voice and time she is +unaccustomed. + +Do not start a conversation whilst any one is either playing or singing, +and if another person commences one, speak in a tone that will not +prevent others from listening to the music. + +If you play yourself, do not wait for silence in the room before you +begin. If you play well, those really fond of music will cease to +converse, and listen to you; and those who do not care for it, will not +stop talking if you wait upon the piano stool until day dawn. + +Relatives should avoid each other at a party, as they can enjoy one +another’s society at home, and it is the constantly changing +intercourse, and complete sociability that make a party pleasant. + +Private concerts and amateur theatricals are very often the occasions +for evening parties, and make a very pleasant variety on the usual +dancing and small talk. An English writer, speaking of them, says: + +“Private concerts and amateur theatricals ought to be very good to be +successful. Professionals alone should be engaged for the former, none +but real amateurs for the latter. Both ought to be, but rarely are, +followed by a supper, since they are generally very fatiguing, if not +positively trying. In any case, refreshments and ices should be handed +between the songs and the acts. Private concerts are often given in the +‘morning,’ that is, from two to six P. M.; in the evening their hours +are from eight to eleven. The rooms should be arranged in the same +manner as for a reception, the guests should be seated, and as music is +the avowed object, a general silence preserved while it lasts. Between +the songs the conversation ebbs back again, and the party takes the +general form of a reception. For private theatricals, however, where +there is no special theatre, and where the curtain is hung, as is most +common, between the folding-doors, the audience-room must be filled with +chairs and benches in rows, and, if possible, the back rows raised +higher than the others. These are often removed when the performance is +over, and the guests then converse, or, sometimes, even dance. During +the acting it is rude to talk, except in a very low tone, and, be it +good or bad, you would never think of hissing.” + +If you are alone, and obliged to retire early from an evening party, do +not take leave of your hostess, but slip away unperceived. + +If you have escorted a lady, her time must be yours, and she will tell +you when she is ready to go. See whether the carriage has arrived before +she goes to the dressing-room, and return to the parlor to tell her. If +the weather was pleasant when you left home, and you walked, ascertain +whether it is still pleasant; if not, procure a carriage for your +companion. When it is at the door, join her in the drawing-room, and +offer your arm to lead her to the hostess for leave-taking, making your +own parting bow at the same time, then take your companion to the door +of the ladies’ dressing-room, get your own hat and wait in the entry +until she comes out. + +When you reach your companion’s house, do not accept her invitation to +enter, but ask permission to call in the morning, or the following +evening, and make that call. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +COURTESY AT HOME. + + +There are many men in this world, who would be horror struck if accused +of the least breach of etiquette towards their friends and acquaintances +abroad, and yet, who will at home utterly disregard the simplest rules +of politeness, if such rules interfere in the least with their own +selfish gratification. They disregard the pure and holy ties which +should make courtesy at home a pleasure as well as a duty. They forget +that home has a sweet poetry of its own, created out of the simplest +materials, yet, haunting, more or less, the secret recesses of every +human heart; it is divided into a thousand separate poems, which should +be full of individual interest, little quiet touches of feeling and +golden recollections, which, in the heart of a truly noble man, are +interwoven with his very being. Common things are, to him, hallowed and +made beautiful by the spell of memory and association, owing all their +glory to the halo of his own pure, fond affection. The eye of a stranger +rests coldly on such revelations; their simple pathos is hard to be +understood; and they smile oftentimes at the quaintness of those +passages which make others weep. With the beautiful instinct of true +affection, home love retains only the good. There were clouds then, +even as now, darkening the horizon of daily life, and breaking tears or +wild storms above our heads; but he remembers nothing save the sunshine, +and fancies somehow that it has never shone so bright since! How little +it took to make him happy in those days, aye, and sad also; but it was a +pleasant sadness, for he wept only over a flower or a book. But let us +turn to our first poem; and in using this term we allude, of course, to +the poetry of idea, rather than that of the measure; beauty of which is +so often lost to us from a vague feeling that it cannot exist without +rhythm. But pause and listen, first of all, gentle reader, to the living +testimony of a poet heart, brimful, and gushing over with home +love:--“There are not, in the unseen world, voices more gentle and more +true, that may be more implicitly relied on, or that are so certain to +give none but the tenderest counsel, as the voices in which the spirits +of the fireside and the hearth address themselves to human kind!” + +The man who shows his contempt for these holy ties and associations by +pulling off his mask of courtesy as soon as his foot passes his own +threshold, is not really a gentleman, but a selfish tyrant, whose true +qualities are not courtesy and politeness, but a hypocritical +affectation of them, assumed to obtain a footing in society. Avoid such +men. Even though you are one of the favored ones abroad who receive +their gentle courtesy, you may rest assured that the heartless egotism +which makes them rude and selfish at home, will make their friendship +but a name, if circumstances ever put it to the test. Above all, avoid +their example. + +In what does the home circle consist? First, there are the parents who +have watched over your infancy and childhood, and whom you are commanded +by the Highest Power to “honor.” Then the brothers and sisters, the wife +who has left her own home and all its tender ties for your sake, and the +children who look to you for example, guidance, and instruction. + +Who else on the broad earth can lay the same claim to your gentleness +and courtesy that they can? If you are rude at home, then is your +politeness abroad a mere cloak to conceal a bad, selfish heart. + +The parents who have anxiously watched over your education, have the +first right to the fruits of it, and all the _gentleman_ should be +exerted to repay them for the care they have taken of you since your +birth. All the rules of politeness, of generosity, of good nature, +patience, and respectful affection should be exerted for your parents. +You owe to them a pure, filial love, void of personal interest, which +should prompt you to study all their tastes, their likes, and aversions, +in order to indulge the one and avoid the other; you owe to them polite +attention, deference to all their wishes, and compliance with their +requests. Every joy will be doubled to them, if you show a frank +pleasure in its course, and no comfort can soothe the grief of a parent +so much as the sympathizing love of a dutiful son. If they are old, +dependent upon you for support, then can you still better prove to them +that the tender care they lavished upon you, when you depended upon +their love for everything, was not lost, but was good seed sown upon +fruitful ground. Nay, if with the infirmities of age come the crosses +of bad temper, or exacting selfishness, your duty still lies as plainly +before you. It is but the promptings of natural affection that will lead +you to love and cherish an indulgent parent; but it is a pure, high +virtue which makes a son love and cherish with an equal affection a +selfish, negligent mother, or a tyrannical, harsh father. No failure in +their duty can excuse you if you fail in yours; and, even if they are +wicked, you are not to be their judge, but, while you detest and avoid +their sin, you must still love the sinner. Nothing but the grossest and +most revolting brutality could make a man reproach his parents with the +feebleness of age or illness, or the incapacity to exert their talents +for support. + +An eminent writer, in speaking of a man’s duties, says: “Do all in your +power to render your parents comfortable and happy; if they are aged and +infirm, be with them as often as you can, carry them tokens of your +love, and show them that you feel a tender interest in their happiness. +Be all to your parents, which you would wish your children to be to +you.” + +Next, in the home circle, come your brothers and sisters, and here you +will find the little courtesies, which, as a gentleman, should be +habitual to you, will ensure the love a man should most highly prize, +the love of his brother and sister. Next to his filial love, this is the +first tie of his life, and should be valued as it deserves. + +If you are the eldest of the family, you may, by your example, influence +your brothers to good or evil, and win or alienate the affections of +your little sisters. There is scarcely a more enthusiastic affection in +the world than that a sister feels for an elder brother. Even though he +may not repay the devotion as it deserves, she will generally cherish +it, and invest him with the most heroic qualities, while her tender +little heart, though it may quiver with the pain of a harsh word or rude +action, will still try to find an excuse for “brother’s” want of +affection. If you show an interest in the pursuits of the little circle +at whose head your age entitles you to stand, you will soon find they +all look up to you, seek your advice, crave your sympathy, and follow +your example. The eldest son holds a most responsible position. Should +death or infirmity deprive him of a father’s counsel, he should be +prepared to stand forth as the head of the family, and take his father’s +place towards his mother and the younger children. + +Every man should feel, that in the character and dignity of his sisters +his own honor is involved. An insult or affront offered to them, becomes +one to him, and he is the person they will look to for protection, and +to prevent its repetition. By his own manner to them he can ensure to +them the respect or contempt of other men whom they meet when in his +society. How can he expect that his friends will treat his sisters with +gentleness, respect, and courtesy, if they see him constantly rude, +disrespectful, and contemptuous towards them? But, if his own manner is +that of affectionate respect, he need not fear for them rudeness from +others, while they are under his protection. An American writer says:-- + +“Nothing in a family strikes the eye of a visitor with more delight than +to see brothers treat their sisters with kindness, civility, attention, +and love. On the contrary, nothing is more offensive or speaks worse +for the honor of a family, than that coarse, rude, unkind manner which +brothers sometimes exhibit.” + +The same author says:-- + +“Beware how you speak of your sisters. Even gold is tarnished by much +handling. If you speak in their praise--of their beauty, learning, +manners, wit, or attentions--you will subject them to taunt and +ridicule; if you say anything against them, you will bring reproach upon +yourself and them too. If you have occasion to speak of them, do it with +modesty and few words. Let others do all the praising and yourself enjoy +it. If you are separated from them, maintain with them a correspondence. +This will do yourself good as well as them. Do not neglect this duty, +nor grow remiss in it. Give your friendly advice and seek theirs in +return. As they mingle intimately with their sex, they can enlighten +your mind respecting many particulars relating to female character, +important for you to know; and, on the other hand, you have the same +opportunity to do them a similar service. However long or widely +separated from them, keep up your fraternal affection and intercourse. +It is ominous of evil when a young man forgets his sister. + +“If you are living at home with them, you may do them a thousand little +services, which will cost you nothing but pleasure, and which will +greatly add to theirs. If they wish to go out in the evening--to a +lecture, concert, a visit, or any other object,--always be happy, if +possible, to wait upon them. Consider their situation, and think how +you would wish them to treat you if the case were reversed.” + +A young man once said to an elderly lady, who expressed her regret at +his having taken some trouble and denied himself a pleasure to gratify +her:-- + +“Madam, I am far away from my mother and sisters now, but when I was at +home, my greatest pleasure was to protect them and gratify all their +wishes; let me now place you in their stead, and you will not have cause +again to feel regret, for you can think ‘he _must love_ to deny himself +for one who represents his mother.’” + +The old lady afterwards spoke of him as a perfect gentleman, and was +contradicted by a younger person who quoted some fault in etiquette +committed by the young man in company. “Ah, that may be,” said her +friend; “but what I call a gentleman, is not the man who performs to the +minutest point all the little ceremonies of society, but the one whose +_heart_ prompts him to be polite at home.” + +If you have left the first home circle, that comprising your parents, +brothers, and sisters, to take up the duties of a husband and father, +you must carry to your new home the same politeness I have advised you +to exert in the home of your childhood. + +Your wife claims your courtesy more now, even, than when you were +courting her. She has given up, for your sake, all the freedom and +pleasures of her maidenhood, and to you she looks for a love that will +replace them all. Can you disappoint that trusting affection? Before +your marriage you thought no stretch of courtesy too great, if the +result was to afford her pleasure; why, then, not strive to _keep_ her +love, by the same gentle courtesy you exerted to _win_ it? + +“A delicate attention to the minute wants and wishes of your wife, will +tend, more than anything else, to the promotion of your domestic +happiness. It requires no sacrifices, occupies but a small degree of +attention, yet is the fertile source of bliss; since it convinces the +object of your regard, that, with the duties of a husband, you have +united the more punctilious behaviour of a lover. These trivial tokens +of regard certainly make much way in the affections of a woman of sense +and discernment, who looks not to the value of the gifts she receives, +but perceives in their frequency a continued evidence of the existence +and ardor of that love on which the superstructure of her happiness has +been erected. The strongest attachment will decline, if you receive it +with diminished warmth.” + +Mrs. Thrale gives the following advice, which is worth the consideration +of every young man: + +“After marriage,” she says, “when your violence of passion subsides, and +a more cool and tranquil affection takes its place, be not hasty to +censure as indifferent, or to lament yourself as unhappy; you have lost +that only which it is impossible to retain; and it were graceless amidst +the pleasures of a prosperous summer, to regret the blossoms of a +transient spring. Neither unwarily condemn your bride’s insipidity, till +you have recollected that no object, however sublime, no sound, however +charming, can continue to transport us with delight, when they no longer +strike us with novelty. The skill to renovate the powers of pleasing is +said, indeed, to be possessed by some women in an eminent degree, but +the artifices of maturity are seldom seen to adorn the innocence of +youth. You have made your choice and ought to approve it. + +“To be happy, we must always have something in view. Turn, therefore, +your attention to her mind, which will daily grow brighter by polishing. +Study some easy science together, and acquire a similarity of tastes, +while you enjoy a community of pleasures. You will, by this means, have +many pursuits in common, and be freed from the necessity of separating +to find amusement; endeavor to cement the present union on every side; +let your wife never be kept ignorant of your income, your expenses, your +friendships, or your aversions; let her know your very faults, but make +them amiable by your virtues; consider all concealment as a breach of +fidelity; let her never have anything to find out in your character, and +remember that from the moment one of the partners turns spy upon the +other, they have commenced a state of hostility. + +“Seek not for happiness in singularity, and dread a refinement of wisdom +as a deviation into folly. Listen not to those sages who advise you +always to scorn the counsel of a woman, and if you comply with her +requests pronounce you to be wife-ridden. Think not any privation, +except of positive evil, an excellence; and do not congratulate yourself +that your wife is not a learned lady, or is wholly ignorant how to make +a pudding. Cooking and learning are both good in their places, and may +both be used with advantage. With regard to expense, I can only observe, +that the money laid out in the purchase of luxuries is seldom or ever +profitably employed. We live in an age when splendid furniture and +glittering equipage are grown too common to catch the notice of the +meanest spectator; and for the greater ones, they can only regard our +wasteful folly with silent contempt or open indignation. + +“This may, perhaps, be a displeasing reflection; but the following +consideration ought to make amends. The age we live in pays, I think, a +peculiar attention to the higher distinctions of wit, knowledge, and +virtue, to which we may more safely, more cheaply, and more honorably +aspire. + +“The person of your lady will not grow more pleasing to you; but, pray, +let her not suspect that it grows less so. There is no reproof, however +pointed, no punishment, however severe, that a woman of spirit will not +prefer to neglect; and if she can endure it without complaint, it only +proves that she means to make herself amends by the attention of others +for the slights of her husband. For this, and for every other reason, it +behoves a married man not to let his politeness fail, though his ardour +may abate; but to retain, at least, that general civility towards his +own lady which he is willing to pay to every other, and not show a wife +of eighteen or twenty years old, that every man in company can treat her +with more complaisance than he who so often vowed to her eternal +fondness. + +“It is not my opinion that a young woman should be indulged in every +wild wish of her gay heart, or giddy head; but contradiction may be +softened by domestic kindness, and quiet pleasures substituted in the +place of noisy ones. Public amusements, indeed, are not so expensive as +is sometimes imagined; but they tend to alienate the minds of married +people from each other. A well-chosen society of friends and +acquaintances, more eminent for virtue and good sense than for gaiety +and splendor, where the conversation of the day may afford comment for +the evening, seems the most rational pleasure that can be afforded. That +your own superiority should always be seen, but never felt, seems an +excellent general rule. + +“If your wife is disposed towards jealousy of you, let me beseech you be +always explicit with her, never mysterious. Be above delighting in her +pain in all things.” + +After your duty to your wife comes that towards the children whom God +lends to you, to fit them to return pure and virtuous to him. This is +your task, responsibility, and trust, to be undertaken prayerfully, +earnestly, and humbly, as the highest and most sacred duty this life +ever can afford you. + +The relationship between parent and child, is one that appears to have +been ordained by Providence, to bring the better feelings of mankind and +many domestic virtues into active exercise. The implicit confidence with +which children, when properly treated, look up to their elders for +guidance is not less beautiful than endearing; and no parents can set +about the work of guiding aright, in real earnest, without deriving as +much good as they impart. The feeling with which this labor of love +would be carried forward is, as the poet writes of mercy, twice +blessed:-- + + “It blesses him that gives and him that takes.” + +And yet, in daily life and experience, how seldom do we find these views +realized! Children, in too many instances, are looked on as anything but +a blessing; they are treated as incumbrances, or worse; and the neglect +in which they are brought up, renders it almost impossible for them, +when they grow older, to know anything properly of moral or social +duties. This result we know, in numerous cases, is not willful, does not +arise from ill intentions on the part of parents, but from want of fixed +plans and principles. There are hundreds of families in this country +whose daily life is nothing better than a daily scramble, where time and +place, from getting up in the morning to going to bed at night, are +regarded as matters of chance. In such homes as these, where the inmates +are willing to do well, but don’t know how, a word in season is often +welcome. “Great principles,” we are told, “are at the bottom of all +things; but to apply them to daily life, many little rules, precautions, +and insights are needed.” + +The work of training is, in some degree, lightened by the fact, that +children are very imitative; what they see others do, they will try to +do themselves, and if they see none but good examples, good conduct on +their part may naturally be looked for. Children are keen observers, and +are very ready at drawing conclusions when they see a want of +correspondence between profession and practice, in those who have the +care of them. At the age of seven, the child’s brain has reached its +full growth; it seldom becomes larger after that period, and it then +contains the germ of all that the man ever accomplishes. Here is an +additional reason for laying down the precept:--be yourselves what you +wish the children to be. When correction is necessary, let it be +administered in such a way as to make the child refrain from doing wrong +from a desire to do right, not for the sole reason that wrong brings +punishment. All experience teaches us that if a good thing is to be +obtained, it must be by persevering diligence; and of all good things, +the pleasure arising from a well-trained family is one of the greatest. +Parents, or educators, have no right to use their children just as whim +or prejudice may dictate. Children are smaller links in the great social +chain, and bind together in lasting ties many portions which otherwise +would be completely disjointed; their joyousness enlivens many a home, +and their innocence is a powerful check and antidote to much that is +evil. The implicit obedience which is required of them, will always be +given when called forth by a spirit of forbearance, self-sacrifice, and +love:-- + + “Ere long comes the reward, + And for the cares and toils we have endured, + Repays us joys and pleasures manifold.” + +If you cherish and honor your own parents, then do you give your +children the most forcible teaching for their duty, _example_. And your +duty to your children requires your example to be good in all things. +How can you expect counsel to virtue to have any effect, if you +constantly contradict it by a bad example? Do not forget, that early +impressions are deep and lasting, and from their infancy let them see +you keep an upright, noble walk in life, then may you hope to see them +follow in your footsteps. + +Justice, as a sentiment, is inborn, and no one distinguishes its +niceties more quickly than a child. Therefore in your rewards and +punishments examine carefully every part of their conduct, and judge +calmly, not hastily, and be sure you are just. An unmerited reward will +make a child question your judgment as much as an unmerited punishment. + +Guard your temper. Never reprove a child in the heat of passion. + +If your sons see that you regard the rules of politeness in your home, +you will find that they treat their mother and sisters with respect and +courtesy, and observe, even in play, the rules of etiquette your example +teaches; but if you are a domestic tyrant, all your elder and stronger +children will strive to act like “father,” by ill-treating or neglecting +the younger and weaker ones. + +Make them, from the moment they begin to talk, use pure and grammatical +language, avoid slang phrases, and, above all, profanity. You will find +this rule, enforced during childhood, will have more effect than a +library full of books or the most unwearied instruction can accomplish, +after bad habits in conversation have once been formed. + +Make them, from early childhood, observe the rules of politeness towards +each other. Let your sons treat your daughters as, when men, you would +have them treat other females, and let your daughters, by gentleness and +love, repay these attentions. You may feel sure that the brothers and +sisters, who are polite one to another, will not err in etiquette when +abroad. + +In the home circle may very properly be included the humble portion, +whose onerous duties are too often repaid by harshness and rudeness; I +mean the servants. A true gentleman, while he never allows familiarity +from his servants, will always remember that they are human beings, who +feel kindness or rudeness as keenly as the more favored ones up stairs. +Chesterfield says:-- + +“There is a certain politeness _due_ to your inferiors, and whoever is +without it, is without good nature. We do not need to compliment our +servants, nor to talk of their doing us the honor, &c., but we ought to +treat them with benevolence and mildness. We are all of the same +species, and no distinction whatever is between us, except that which +arises from fortune. For example, your footman and cook would be your +equals were they as rich as you. Being poor they are obliged to serve +you. Therefore, you must not add to their misfortunes by insulting or +ill-treating them. If your situation is preferable to theirs, be +thankful, without either despising them or being vain of your better +fortune. You must, therefore, treat all your inferiors with affability +and good manners, and not speak to them in a surly tone, nor with harsh +expressions, as if they were of a different species. A good heart never +reminds people of their inferiority, but endeavors to alleviate their +misfortunes, and make them forget them.” + +“Example,” says Mrs. Parkes, “is of the greatest importance to our +servants, particularly those who are young, whose habits are frequently +formed by the first service they enter. With the mild and good, they +become softened and improved, but with the dissipated and violent, are +too often disorderly and vicious. It is, therefore, not among the least +of the duties incumbent on the head of the family, to place in their +view such examples as are worthy their imitation. But these examples, +otherwise praiseworthy, should neither be rendered disagreeable, nor +have their force diminished by any accompaniment of ill humor. Rather by +the happiness and comfort resulting from our conduct towards our +domestics, should they be made sensible of the beauty of virtue. What we +admire, we often strive to imitate, and thus they may be led on to +imitate good principles, and to form regular and virtuous habits.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +TRUE COURTESY. + + +Politeness is the art of pleasing. It is to the deportment what the +finer touches of the pencil are to the picture, or what harmony is to +music. In the formation of character, it is indispensably requisite. “We +are all,” says Locke, “a kind of chameleons, that take a tincture from +the objects which surround us.” True courtesy, indeed, chiefly consists +in accommodating ourselves to the feelings of others, without descending +from our own dignity, or denuding ourselves of our own principles. By +constant intercourse with society, we acquire what is called politeness +almost intuitively, as the shells of the sea are rendered smooth by the +unceasing friction of the waves; though there appears to be a natural +grace about the well-bred, which many feel it difficult to attain. + +Religion itself teaches us to honor all men, and to do unto others as we +would others do unto us. This includes the whole principle of courtesy, +which in this we may remark, assimilates to the principle of justice. It +comprises, indeed, all the moral virtues in one, consisting not merely +in external show, but having its principle in the heart. The politeness +which superficial writers are fond of describing, has been defined as +“the appearance of all the virtues, without possessing one of them;” but +by this is meant the mere outward parade, or that kind of artificial +adornment of demeanor, which owes its existence to an over-refinement of +civility. Anything forced or formal is contrary to the very character of +courtesy, which does not consist in a becoming deportment alone, but is +prompted and guided by a superior mind, impelling the really polite +person to bear with the failings of some, to overlook the weakness of +others, and to endure patiently the caprices of all. Indeed, one of the +essential characteristics of courtesy is good nature, and an inclination +always to look at the bright side of things. + +The principal rules of politeness are, to subdue the temper, to submit +to the weakness of our fellow men, and to render to all their due, +freely and courteously. These, with the judgment to recommend ourselves +to those whom we meet in society, and the discrimination to know when +and to whom to yield, as well as the discretion to treat all with the +deference due to their reputation, station, or merit, comprise, in +general, the character of a polite man, over which the admission of even +one blot or shade will throw a blemish not easily removed. + +Sincerity is another essential characteristic of courtesy; for, without +it, the social system would have no permanent foundation or hope of +continuance. It is the want of this which makes society, what it is said +to be, artificial. + +Good breeding, in a great measure, consists in being easy, but not +indifferent; good humored, but not familiar; passive, but not +unconcerned. It includes, also, a sensibility nice, yet correct; a tact +delicate, yet true. There is a beautiful uniformity in the demeanor of a +polite man; and it is impossible not to be struck with his affable air. +There is a golden mean in the art, which it should be every body’s +object to attain, without descending to obsequiousness on the one hand, +or to familiarity on the other. In politeness, as in everything else, +there is the medium betwixt too much and too little, betwixt constraint +and freedom; for civilities carried to extreme are wearisome, and mere +ceremony is not politeness, but the reverse. + +The truly pious people are the truly courteous. “Religion,” says +Leighton, “is in this mistaken sometimes, in that we think it imprints a +roughness and austerity upon the mind and carriage. It doth, indeed, bar +all vanity and lightness, and all compliance;” but it softens the +manners, tempers the address, and refines the heart. + +Pride is one of the greatest obstacles to true courtesy that can be +mentioned. He who assumes too much on his own merit, shows that he does +not understand the simplest principles of politeness. The feeling of +pride is, of itself, highly culpable. No man, whether he be a monarch on +the throne, or the meanest beggar in his realm, possesses any right to +comport himself with a haughty or discourteous air towards his fellow +men. The poet truly says: + + “What most ennobles human nature, + Was ne’er the portion of the proud.” + +It is easy to bestow a kind word, or assume a gracious smile; these +will recommend us to every one; while a haughty demeanor, or an austere +look, may forfeit forever the favor of those whose good opinion we may +be anxious to secure. The really courteous man has a thorough knowledge +of human nature, and can make allowances for its weaknesses. He is +always consistent with himself. The polite alone know how to make others +polite, as the good alone know how to inspire others with a relish for +virtue. + +Having mentioned pride as being opposed to true politeness, I may class +affectation with it, in that respect. Affectation is a deviation from, +at the same time that it is an imitation of, nature. It is the result of +bad taste, and of mistaken notions of one’s own qualities. The other +vices are limited, and have each a particular object; but affectation +pervades the whole conduct, and detracts from the merit of whatever +virtues and good dispositions a man may possess. Beauty itself loses its +attraction, when disfigured by affectation. Even to copy from the best +patterns is improper, because the imitation can never be so good as the +original. Counterfeit coin is not so valuable as the real, and when +discovered, it cannot pass current. Affectation is a sure sign that +there is something to conceal, rather than anything to be proud of, in +the character and disposition of the persons practicing it. + +In religion, affectation, or, as it is fitly called, hypocrisy, is +reprehensible in the highest degree. However grave be their deportment, +of all affected persons, those who, without any real foundation, make +too great pretensions to piety, are certainly the most culpable. The +mask serves to conceal innumerable faults, and, as has been well +remarked, a false devotion too often usurps the place of the true. We +can less secure ourselves against pretenders in matters of religion, +than we can against any other species of impostors; because the mind +being biased in favor of the subject, consults not reason as to the +individual. The conduct of people, which cannot fail to be considered an +evidence of their principles, ought at all times to be conformable to +their pretensions. When God alone is all we are concerned for, we are +not solicitous about mere human approbation. + +Hazlitt says:--“Few subjects are more nearly allied than these +two--vulgarity and affectation. It may be said of them truly that ‘thin +partitions do their bounds divide.’ There cannot be a surer proof of a +low origin or of an innate meanness of disposition, than to be always +talking and thinking of being genteel. One must feel a strong tendency +to that which one is always trying to avoid; whenever we pretend, on all +occasions, a mighty contempt for anything, it is a pretty clear sign +that we feel ourselves very nearly on a level with it. Of the two +classes of people, I hardly know which is to be regarded with most +distaste, the vulgar aping the genteel, or the genteel constantly +sneering at and endeavoring to distinguish themselves from the vulgar. +These two sets of persons are always thinking of one another; the lower +of the higher with envy, the more fortunate of their less happy +neighbors with contempt. They are habitually placed in opposition to +each other; jostle in their pretensions at every turn; and the same +objects and train of thought (only reversed by the relative situations +of either party) occupy their whole time and attention. The one are +straining every nerve, and outraging common sense, to be thought +genteel; the others have no other object or idea in their heads than not +to be thought vulgar. This is but poor spite; a very pitiful style of +ambition. To be merely not that which one heartily despises, is a very +humble claim to superiority; to despise what one really is, is still +worse. + +“Gentility is only a more select and artificial kind of vulgarity. It +cannot exist but by a sort of borrowed distinction. It plumes itself up +and revels in the homely pretensions of the mass of mankind. It judges +of the worth of everything by name, fashion, opinion; and hence, from +the conscious absence of real qualities or sincere satisfaction in +itself, it builds its supercilious and fantastic conceit on the +wretchedness and wants of others. Violent antipathies are always +suspicious, and betray a secret affinity. The difference between the +‘Great Vulgar and the Small’ is mostly in outward circumstances. The +coxcomb criticises the dress of the clown, as the pedant cavils at the +bad grammar of the illiterate. Those who have the fewest resources in +themselves, naturally seek the food of their self-love elsewhere. The +most ignorant people find most to laugh at in strangers; scandal and +satire prevail most in country-places; and a propensity to ridicule +every the slightest or most palpable deviation from what we happen to +approve, ceases with the progress of common sense. True worth does not +exult in the faults and deficiencies of others; as true refinement turns +away from grossness and deformity instead of being tempted to indulge in +an unmanly triumph over it. Raphael would not faint away at the daubing +of a sign painter, nor Homer hold his head the higher for being in the +company of the poorest scribbler that ever attempted poetry. Real power, +real excellence, does not seek for a foil in inferiority, nor fear +contamination from coming in contact with that which is coarse and +homely. It reposes on itself, and is equally free from spleen and +affectation. But the spirit of both these small vices is in _gentility_ +as the word stands in vulgar minds: of affected delight in its own +would-be qualifications, and of ineffable disdain poured out upon the +involuntary blunders or accidental disadvantages of those whom it +chooses to treat as inferiors. + +“The essence of vulgarity, I imagine, consists in taking manners, +actions, words, opinions on trust from others, without examining one’s +own feelings or weighing the merits of the case. It is coarseness or +shallowness of taste arising from want of individual refinement, +together with the confidence and presumption inspired by example and +numbers. It may be defined to be a prostitution of the mind or body to +ape the more or less obvious defects of others, because by so doing we +shall secure the suffrages of those we associate with. To affect a +gesture, an opinion, a phrase, because it is the rage with a large +number of persons, or to hold it in abhorrence because another set of +persons very little, if at all, better informed, cry it down to +distinguish themselves from the former, is in either case equal +vulgarity and absurdity. A thing is not vulgar merely because it is +common. ’Tis common to breathe, to see, to feel, to live. Nothing is +vulgar that is natural, spontaneous, unavoidable. Grossness is not +vulgarity, ignorance is not vulgarity, awkwardness is not vulgarity; but +all these become vulgar when they are affected, and shown off on the +authority of others, or to fall in with _the fashion_ or the company we +keep. Caliban is coarse enough, but surely he is not vulgar. We might as +well spurn the clod under our feet, and call it vulgar. + +“All slang phrases are vulgar; but there is nothing vulgar in the common +English idiom. Simplicity is not vulgarity; but the looking to +affectation of any sort for distinction is.” + +To sum up, it may be said, that if you wish to possess the good opinion +of your fellow men, the way to secure it is, to be actually what you +pretend to be, or rather to appear always precisely what you are. Never +depart from the native dignity of your character, which you can only +maintain irreproachable by being careful not to imitate the vices, or +adopt the follies of others. The best way in all cases you will find to +be, to adhere to truth, and to abide by the talents and appliances which +have been bestowed upon you by Providence. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +LETTER WRITING. + + +There is no branch of a man’s education, no portion of his intercourse +with other men, and no quality which will stand him in good stead more +frequently than the capability of writing a good letter upon any and +every subject. In business, in his intercourse with society, in, I may +say, almost every circumstance of his life, he will find his pen called +into requisition. Yet, although so important, so almost indispensable an +accomplishment, it is one which is but little cultivated, and a letter, +perfect in every part, is a great rarity. + +In the composition of a good letter there are many points to be +considered, and we take first the simplest and lowest, namely, the +spelling. + +Many spell badly from ignorance, but more from carelessness. The latter, +writing rapidly, make, very often, mistakes that would disgrace a +schoolboy. If you are in doubt about a word, do not from a feeling of +false shame let the spelling stand in its doubtful position hoping that, +if wrong, it will pass unnoticed, but get a dictionary, and see what is +the correct orthography. Besides the actual misplacing of letters in a +word there is another fault of careless, rapid writing, frequently +seen. This is to write two words in one, running them together. I have +more than once seen _with him_ written _withim_, and _for her_ stand +thus, _forer_. Strange, too, as it may seem, it is more frequently the +short, common words that are misspelled than long ones. They flow from +the pen mechanically, while over an unaccustomed word the writer +unconsciously stops to consider the orthography. Chesterfield, in his +advice to his son, says: + +“I come now to another part of your letter, which is the orthography, if +I may call bad spelling _orthography_. You spell induce, _enduce_; and +grandeur, you spell _grandure_; two faults of which few of my housemaids +would have been guilty. I must tell you that orthography, in the true +sense of the word, is so absolutely necessary for a man of letters, or a +gentleman, that one false spelling may fix ridicule upon him for the +rest of his life; and I know a man of quality, who never recovered the +ridicule of having spelled _wholesome_ without the _w_. + +“Reading with care will secure everybody from false spelling; for books +are always well spelled, according to the orthography of the times. Some +words are indeed doubtful, being spelled differently by different +authors of equal authority; but those are few; and in those cases every +man has his option, because he may plead his authority either way; but +where there is but one right way, as in the two words above mentioned, +it is unpardonable and ridiculous for a gentleman to miss it; even a +woman of tolerable education would despise and laugh at a lover, who +sent her an ill-spelled _billet-doux_. I fear, and suspect, that you +have taken it into your head, in most cases, that the matter is all, and +the manner little or nothing. If you have, undeceive yourself, and be +convinced that, in everything, the manner is full as important as the +matter. If you speak the sense of an angel in bad words, and with a +disagreeable utterance, nobody will hear you twice, who can help it. If +you write epistles as well as Cicero, but in a very bad hand, and very +ill-spelled, whoever receives, will laugh at them.” + +After orthography, you should make it a point to write a good hand; +clear, legible, and at the same time easy, graceful, and rapid. This is +not so difficult as some persons imagine, but, like other +accomplishments, it requires practice to make it perfect. You must write +every word so clearly that it _cannot_ be mistaken by the reader, and it +is quite an important requisite to leave sufficient space between the +words to render each one separate and distinct. If your writing is +crowded, it will be difficult to read, even though each letter is +perfectly well formed. An English author, in a letter of advice, says:-- + +“I have often told you that every man who has the use of his eyes and +his hand can write whatever hand he pleases. I do not desire that you +should write the stiff, labored characters of a writing master; a man of +business must write quick and well, and that depends simply upon use. I +would, therefore, advise you to get some very good writing master, and +apply to it for a month only, which will be sufficient; for, upon my +word, the writing of a genteel, plain hand of business is of much more +importance than you think. You say, it may be, that when you write so +very ill, it is because you are in a hurry; to which, I answer, Why are +you ever in a hurry? A man of sense may be in haste, but can never be in +a hurry, because he knows, that whatever he does in a hurry, he must +necessarily do very ill. He may be in haste to dispatch an affair, but +he will take care not to let that haste hinder his doing it well. Little +minds are in a hurry, when the object proves (as it commonly does) too +big for them; they run, they puzzle, confound, and perplex themselves; +they want to do everything at once, and never do it at all. But a man of +sense takes the time necessary for doing the thing he is about, well; +and his haste to dispatch a business, only appears by the continuity of +his application to it; he pursues it with a cool steadiness, and +finishes it before he begins any other.... + +“The few seconds that are saved in the course of the day by writing ill +instead of well, do not amount to an object of time by any means +equivalent to the disgrace or ridicule of a badly written scrawl.” + +By making a good, clear hand habitual to you, the caution given above, +with regard to hurry, will be entirely useless, for you will find that +even the most rapid penmanship will not interfere with the beauty of +your hand-writing, and the most absorbing interest in the subject of +your epistle can be indulged; whereas, if you write well only when you +are giving your entire attention to guiding your pen, then, haste in +writing or interest in your subject will spoil the beauty of your sheet. + +Be very careful that the wording of your letters is in strict accordance +with the rules of grammar. Nothing stamps the difference between a well +educated man and an ignorant one more decidedly than the purely +grammatical language of the one compared with the labored sentences, +misplaced verbs, nouns, adjectives, and adverbs of the other. +Chesterfield caricatures this fault in the following letter, written as +a warning to his son, to guard him against its glaring faults: + +“MY LORD: I _had_, last night, the honor of your Lordship’s letter of +the 24th; and will _set about doing_ the orders contained _therein_; and +_if so be_ that I can get that affair done by the next post, I will not +fail _for to_ give your Lordship an account of it, by _next post_. I +have told the French Minister, _as how that if_ that affair be not soon +concluded, your Lordship would think it _all long of him_; and that he +must have neglected _for to_ have wrote to his court about it. I must +beg leave to put your Lordship in mind, _as how_, that I am now full +three quarters in arrear; and if _so be_ that I do not very soon receive +at least one half year, I shall _cut a very bad figure_; _for this here_ +place is very dear. I shall be _vastly beholden_ to your Lordship for +_that there_ mark of your favor; and so I _rest_ or _remain_, Your, &c.” + +This is, I admit, a broad burlesque of a letter written by a man holding +any important government office, but in the more private correspondence +of a man’s life letters quite as absurd and ungrammatical are written +every day. + +Punctuation is another very important point in a letter, because it not +only is a mark of elegance and education to properly punctuate a letter, +but the omission of this point will inevitably confuse your +correspondent, for if you write to your friend: + +“I met last evening Mr James the artist his son a lawyer Mr Gay a friend +of my mother’s Mr Clarke and Mr Paul:” + +he will not know whether Mr. Gay is a lawyer or your mother’s friend, or +whether it is Mr. James or his son who is an artist; whereas, by the +proper placing of a few punctuation marks you make the sentence clear +and intelligible, thus: + +“I met, last evening, Mr. James, the artist; his son, a lawyer; Mr. Gay, +a friend of my mother’s; Mr. Clarke and Mr. Paul.” + +Without proper regard being paid to punctuation, the very essence of +good composition is lost; it is of the utmost importance, as clearness, +strength, and accuracy depend upon it, in as great a measure as the +power of an army depends upon the skill displayed in marshalling and +arranging the troops. The separation of one portion of a composition +from another; the proper classification and division of the subjects; +the precise meaning of every word and sentence; the relation each part +bears to previous or following parts; the connection of one portion and +separation of others--all depend upon punctuation. Many persons seem to +consider it sufficient to put in a period at the end of a long sentence, +leaving all the little niceties which a comma, semicolon, or colon would +render clear, in a state of the most lamentable obscurity. Others use +all the points, but misplace them in a most ludicrous manner. A sentence +may be made by the omission or addition of a comma to express a meaning +exactly opposite to the one it expressed before the little mark was +written or erased. The best mode of studying punctuation is to read +over what you write, aloud, and put in the points as you would dwell a +longer or shorter time on the words, were you speaking. + +We now come to the use of capital letters, a subject next, in importance +to punctuation, and one too often neglected, even by writers otherwise +careful. + +The first word of every piece of writing, whether it be a book, a poem, +a story, a letter, a bill, a note, or only a line of directions, must +begin with a capital letter. + +Quotations, even though they are not immediately preceded by a period, +must invariably begin with a capital letter. + +Every new sentence, following a period, exclamation mark, or +interrogation point, must begin with a capital letter. + +Every proper name, whether it be of a person, a place, or an object, +must begin with a capital letter. The pronoun I and exclamation O must +be always written in capital letters. + +Capitals must never, except in the case of proper names or the two +letters mentioned in the last paragraph, be written in the middle of a +sentence. + +A capital letter must never be used in the middle of a word, among the +small letters; nor must it be used at the end of a word. + +Nothing adds more to the beauty of a letter, or any written composition, +than handsomely written capital letters, used in their proper places. + +Having specified the most important points in a correct letter, we next +come to that which, more than anything else, shows the mind of the +writer; that which proves his good or bad education; that which gives +him rank as an elegant or inelegant writer--Style. + +It is style which adorns or disfigures a subject; which makes the +humblest matter appear choice and elegant, or which reduces the most +exalted ideas to a level with common, or vulgar ones. + +Lord Chesterfield says, “It is of the greatest importance to write +letters well; as this is a talent which unavoidably occurs every day of +one’s life, as well in business as in pleasure; and inaccuracies in +orthography or in style are never pardoned. Much depends upon the manner +in which they are written; which ought to be easy and natural, not +strained and florid. For instance, when you are about to send a +_billet-doux_, or love letter to a fair friend, you must only think of +what you would say to her if you were both together, and then write it; +that renders the style easy and natural; though some people imagine the +wording of a letter to be a great undertaking, and think they must write +abundantly better than they talk, which is not at all necessary. Style +is the dress of thoughts, and let them be ever so just, if your style is +homely, coarse, and vulgar, they will appear to as much disadvantage and +be as ill received as your person, though ever so well proportioned, +would, if dressed in rags, dirt, and tatters. It is not every +understanding that can judge of matter; but every one can and does +judge, more or less, of style; and were I either to speak or write to +the public, I should prefer moderate matter, adorned with all the +beauties and elegancies of style, to the strongest matter in the world, +ill worded and ill delivered.” + +Write legibly, correctly, and without erasures upon a whole sheet of +paper, never upon half a sheet. Choose paper which is thick, white, and +perfectly plain. The initials stamped at the top of a sheet are the only +ornament allowed a gentleman. + +It is an unpardonable fault to write upon a sheet which has anything +written or drawn upon it, or is soiled; and quite as bad to answer a +note upon half the sheet it is written upon, or write on the other side +of a sheet which has been used before. + +Write your own ideas in your own words, neither borrowing or copying +from another. If you are detected in a plagiarism, you will never +recover your reputation for originality, and you may find yourself in +the position of the hero of the following anecdote: + +Mr. O., a man of but little cultivation, fell in love with Miss N., +whose fine intellect was duly improved by a thorough course of study and +reading, while her wit, vivacity, and beauty made Mr. O. one only +amongst many suitors. Fascinated by her beauty and gracious manner he +determined to settle his fate, and ask her to go forward in the alphabet +and choose the next letter to put to her surname. But how? Five times he +tried to speak, and five times the gay beauty so led the discourse that +he left at the end of each interview, no wiser than when he came. At +length he resolved to write. It was the first time he had held the pen +for any but a business letter. After commencing twice with “Dear sir,” +once with, “I write to inform you that I am well and hope this letter +will find you the same,” and once with, “Your last duly received,” he +threw the pen aside in disgust and despair. A love letter was beyond his +feeble capacities. Suddenly a brilliant idea struck him. He had lately +seen, in turning the leaves of a popular novel, a letter, perhaps a love +letter. He procured the book, found the letter. It was full of fire and +passion, words of love, protestations of never failing constancy, and +contained an offer of marriage. With a hand that trembled with ecstasy, +O. copied and signed the letter, sealed, directed, and sent it. The next +day came the answer--simply: + + “My Friend, + + “Turn to the next page and you will find the reply. + + “A. N.” + +He did so, and found a polite refusal of his suit. + +The secret of letter writing consists in writing as you would speak. +Thus, if you speak well, you will write well; if you speak ill, you will +also write ill. + +Endeavor always to write as correctly and properly as possible. If you +have reason to doubt your own spelling, carefully read and correct every +letter before you fold it. An ill-formed letter is, however, better let +alone. You will not improve it by trying to reform it, and the effort +will be plainly visible. + +Let your style be simple, concise, and clear, entirely void of +pretension, without any phrases written merely for effect, without +useless flowery language, respectful towards superiors, women, and +older persons, and it will be well. + +Abbreviations are only permitted in business letters, and in friendly +correspondence must never be used. + +Figures are never to be used excepting when putting a date or a sum of +money. In a business letter the money is generally specified both in +figures and words, thus; $500 Five hundred dollars. + +You may put the name, date, and address of a letter either at the top of +the page or at the end. I give a specimen of each style to show my +meaning. + + PHILADELPHIA, _June 25th, 1855_. + + MR. JAMES SMITH, + + Dear Sir, + + The goods ordered in your letter of the 19th inst. were sent + this morning by Adam’s Express. We shall be always happy to + hear from you, and will promptly fill any further orders. + + Yours, truly, + JONES, BROWN, & CO. + +or, + + Dear Sir, + + Your favor of the 5th inst. received to day. Will execute your + commissions with pleasure. + + Yours, truly, + J. Jones. + + MR. JAMES SMITH. + PHILA., _June 25th, 1854_. + +If you send your own address put it under your own signature, thus: + + J. JONES, + 17 W---- st., + NEW YORK. + +The etiquette of letter-writing, should, as much as possible, be +influenced by principles of truth. The superscription and the +subscription should alike be in accordance with the tone of the +communication, and the domestic or social relation of those between whom +it passes. Communications upon professional or business matters, where +no acquaintance exists to modify the circumstances, should be written +thus:--“Mr. Gillot will feel obliged by Mr. Slack’s sending by the +bearer,” &c. It is an absurdity for a man who writes a challenge, or an +offensive letter, to another, to subscribe himself, “Your obedient +Servant.” I dislike this form of subscription, also, when employed by +persons of equal rank. It is perfectly becoming when addressed by a +servant to an employer. But in other cases, “Yours truly,” “Yours very +truly,” “Your Friend,” “Your sincere Friend,” “Your Well-wisher,” “Your +grateful Friend,” “Your affectionate Friend,” &c., &c., appears to be +much more truthful, and to be more in keeping with the legitimate +expression of good feeling. It is impossible to lay down a set of rules +that shall govern all cases. But as a principle, it may be urged, that +no person should address another as, “Dear Sir,” or, “Dear Madam,” +without feelings and relations that justify the use of the adjective. +These compliments are mockeries. No one who entertains a desire to +write another as “dear,” need feel afraid of giving offence by +familiarity; for all mankind prize the esteem even of their humblest +fellows too much to be annoyed by it. And in proportion as the integrity +of the forms of correspondence increase, so will these expressions of +good feeling be more appreciated. + +The next point to be considered is the _subject_ of your letter, and +without a good subject the epistle will be apt to be dull. I do not mean +by this that it is necessary to have any extraordinary event to relate, +or startling news to communicate; but in order to write a _good_ letter, +it is necessary to have a _good_ subject, that you may not rival the +Frenchman who wrote to his wife--“I write to you because I have nothing +to do: I stop because I have nothing to say.” Letters written without +aim or object, simply for the sake of writing, are apt to be stupid, +trivial, or foolish. + +You may write to a friend to congratulate him upon some happy event to +himself, or to condole with him in some misfortune, or to ask his +congratulations or condolence for yourself. You may write to enquire for +his health, or to extend an invitation, a letter of thanks, +felicitations, upon business, or a thousand other subjects, which it is +useless for me to enumerate. + +LETTERS OF BUSINESS. The chief object in a letter of business is to +communicate or enquire about some one fact, and the epistle should be +confined entirely to that fact. All compliments, jests, high-flown +language and sentiment, are entirely out of place in a business letter, +and brevity should be one of the most important aims. Do not let your +desire to be brief, however, make your meaning obscure; better to add a +few words, or even lines, to the length of your letter, than to send it +in confused, unintelligible language. Chesterfield’s advice on business +letters is excellent. He says: + +“The first thing necessary in writing letters of business is, extreme +clearness and perspicuity; every paragraph should be so clear and +unambiguous that the dullest fellow in the world may not be able to +mistake it, nor obliged to read it twice in order to understand it. This +necessary clearness implies a correctness, without excluding an elegance +of style. Tropes, figures, antithesis, epigrams, &c., would be as +misplaced and as impertinent in letters of business as they are +sometimes (if judiciously used) proper and pleasing in familiar letters, +upon common and trite subjects. In business, an elegant simplicity, the +result of care, not of labor, is required. Business must be well, not +affectedly dressed; but by no means negligently. Let your first +attention be to clearness, and read every paragraph after you have +written it, in the critical view of discovering whether it is possible +that any one man can mistake the true sense of it; and correct it +accordingly. + +“Our pronouns and relatives often create obscurity and ambiguity; be, +therefore, exceedingly attentive to them, and take care to mark out with +precision their particular relations. For example, Mr. Johnson +acquainted me, that he had seen Mr. Smith, who had promised him to speak +to Mr. Clarke, to return him (Mr. Johnson) those papers, which he (Mr. +Smith) had left some time ago with him (Mr. Clarke); it is better to +repeat a name, though unnecessarily, ten times, than to have the person +mistaken once. + +“_Who_, you know, is singly relative to persons, and cannot be applied +to things; _which_ and _that_ are chiefly relative to things, but not +absolutely exclusive of persons; for one may say the man, _that_ robbed +or killed such-a-one; but it is better to say, the man _who_ robbed or +killed. One never says, the man or woman _which_. _Which_ and _that_, +though chiefly relative to things, cannot be always used indifferently +as to things. For instance, the letter _which_ I received from you, +_which_ you referred to in your last, _which_ came by Lord Albemarle’s +messenger, _which_ I showed to such-a-one; I would change it thus--The +letter that I received from you, _which_ you referred to in your last, +_that_ came by Lord Albemarle’s messenger, and _which_ I showed to +such-a-one. + +“Business does not exclude (as possibly you wish it did) the usual terms +of politeness and good breeding; but, on the contrary, strictly requires +them; such as, _I have the honor to acquaint you_; _Permit me to assure +you_; or, _If I may be allowed to give my opinion, &c._ + +“LETTERS OF BUSINESS will not only admit of, but be the better for +_certain graces_--but then, they must be scattered with a skillful and +sparing hand; they must fit their place exactly. They must adorn without +encumbering, and modestly shine without glaring. But as this is the +utmost degree of perfection in letters of business, I would not advise +you to attempt those embellishments, till you have just laid your +foundation well. + +“Carefully avoid all Greek or Latin quotations; and bring no precedents +from the _virtuous Spartans_, _the polite Athenians_, _and the brave +Romans_. Leave all that to futile pedants. No flourishes, no +declamations. But (I repeat it again) there is an elegant simplicity and +dignity of style absolutely necessary for _good_ letters of business; +attend to that carefully. Let your periods be harmonious, without +seeming to be labored; and let them not be too long, for that always +occasions a degree of obscurity. I should not mention correct +orthography, but that to fail in that particular will bring ridicule +upon you; for no man is allowed to spell ill. The hand-writing, too, +should be good; and I cannot conceive why it is ever otherwise, since +every man may, certainly, write whatever hand he pleases. Neatness in +folding up, sealing, and directing your packets is, by no means, to be +neglected. There is something in the exterior, even of a packet or +letter, that may please or displease; and, consequently, worth some +attention.” + +If you are writing a letter, either upon your own business or upon that +of the person you are addressing, not in answer to him, but opening the +subject between you, follow the rule of clearness and of business +brevity. Come to the point at once, in order that the person addressed +may easily comprehend you. Put nobody to the labor of _guessing_ what +you desire, and be careful that half-instructions do not lead your +correspondent astray. If you have so clear an idea of your operation in +your mind, or if it is so simple a one that it needs no words, except +specific directions, or a plain request, you need not waste time, but, +with the proper forms of courtesy, instruct him of your wishes. In +whatever you write, remember that time is valuable; and that +embarrassing or indefinite letters are a great nuisance to a business +man. I need hardly remark, that punctuality in answering correspondents +is one of the cardinal business virtues. Where it is possible, answer +letters by return of post, as you will thus save your own time, and pay +your correspondent a flattering compliment. And in opening a +correspondence or writing upon your own business, let your communication +be made at the earliest proper date in order that your correspondent, as +well as yourself, may have the benefit of thought and deliberation. + +LETTERS OF INQUIRY should be written in a happy medium, between tedious +length and the brevity which would betoken indifference. As the subject +is generally limited to questions upon one subject, they will not admit +of much verbiage, and if your inquiry relates simply to a matter of +business, it is better to confine your words strictly to that business; +if, however, you are writing to make inquiry as to the health of a +friend, or any other matter in which feeling or affection dictates the +epistle, the cold, formal style of a business letter would become +heartless, and, in many cases, positively insulting. You must here add +some words of compliment, express your friendly interest in the subject, +and your hope that a favorable answer may be returned, and if the +occasion is a painful one, a few lines of regret or condolence may be +added. + +If you are requesting a favor of your correspondent, you should +apologize for the trouble you are giving him, and mention the necessity +which prompts you to write. + +If you are making inquiries of a friend, your letter will then admit of +some words of compliment, and may be written in an easy, familiar style. + +If writing to a stranger, your request for information becomes a +personal favor, and you should write in a manner to show him that you +feel this. Speak of the obligation he will confer, mention the necessity +which compels you to trouble him, and follow his answer by a note of +thanks. + +Always, when sending a letter of inquiry, enclose a stamp for the +answer. If you trouble your correspondent to take his time to write you +information, valuable only to yourself, you have no right to tax him +also for the price of postage. + +ANSWERS TO LETTERS OF INQUIRY should be written as soon as possible +after such letters are received. If the inquiry is of a personal nature, +concerning your health, family affairs, or the denial or corroboration +of some report concerning yourself, you should thank your correspondent +for the interest he expresses, and such a letter should be answered +immediately. If the letter you receive contains questions which you +cannot answer instantly, as, for instance, if you are obliged to see a +third party, or yourself make inquiry upon the subject proposed, it is +best to write a few lines acknowledging the receipt of your friend’s +letter, expressing your pleasure at being able to serve him, and stating +why you cannot immediately give him the desired information, with the +promise to write again as soon as such information is yours to send. + +LETTERS REQUESTING FAVORS are trying to write, and must be dictated by +the circumstances which make them necessary. Be careful not to be +servile in such letters. Take a respectful, but, at the same time, manly +tone; and, while you acknowledge the obligation a favorable answer will +confer, do not adopt the cringing language of a beggar. + +LETTERS CONFERRING FAVORS should never be written in a style to make the +recipient feel a weight of obligation; on the contrary, the style should +be such as will endeavor to convince your correspondent that in his +acceptance of your favor _he_ confers an obligation upon _you_. + +LETTERS REFUSING FAVORS call for your most courteous language, for they +must give some pain, and this may be very much softened by the manner in +which you write. Express your regret at being unable to grant your +friend’s request, a hope that at some future time it may be in your +power to answer another such letter more favorably, and give a good +reason for your refusal. + +LETTERS ACKNOWLEDGING FAVORS, or letters of thanks, should be written in +a cordial, frank, and grateful style. While you earnestly thank your +correspondent for his kindness, you must never hint at any payment of +the obligation. If you have the means of obliging him near you at that +instant, make your offer of the favor the subject of another letter, +lest he attribute your haste to a desire to rid yourself of an +obligation. To hint at a future payment is still more indelicate. When +you can show your gratitude by a suitable return, then let your actions, +not your words, speak for the accuracy of your memory in retaining the +recollection of favors conferred. + +ANONYMOUS LETTERS. The man who would write an anonymous letter, either +to insult the person addressed, or annoy a third person, is a scoundrel, +“whom ’twere gross flattery to name a coward.” None but a man of the +lowest principles, and meanest character, would commit an act to gratify +malice or hatred without danger to himself. A gentleman will treat such +a communication with the contemptuous silence which it deserves. + +LETTERS OF INTELLIGENCE. The first thing to be regarded in a letter of +intelligence is _truth_. They are written on every variety of subjects, +under circumstances of the saddest and the most joyful nature. They are +written often under the pressure of the most crushing grief, at other +times when the hand trembles with ecstacy, and very frequently when a +weight of other cares and engagements makes the time of the writer +invaluable. Yet, whether the subject communicated concerns yourself or +another, remember that every written word is a record for your veracity +or falsehood. If exaggeration, or, still worse, malice, guide your pen, +in imparting painful subjects, or if the desire to avoid causing grief +makes you violate truth to soften trying news, you are signing your name +to a written falsehood, and the letter may, at some future time, rise to +confront you and prove that your intelligence cannot be trusted. +Whatever the character of the news you communicate, let taste and +discretion guide you in the manner of imparting it. If it is of so +sorrowful a character that you know it must cause pain, you may endeavor +to open the subject gradually, and a few lines of sympathy and comfort, +if unheeded at the time, may be appreciated when the mourner re-reads +your letter in calmer moments. Joyful news, though it does not need the +same caution, also admits of expressions of sympathy. + +Never write the gossip around you, unless you are _obliged_ to +communicate some event, and then write only what you know to be true, +or, if you speak of doubtful matters, state them to be such. Avoid mere +scandal and hearsay, and, above all, avoid letting your own malice or +bitterness of feeling color all your statements in their blackest dye. +Be, under such circumstances, truthful, just, and charitable. + +LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION should be written only when they are +positively necessary, and great caution should be used in giving them. +They make you, in a measure, responsible for the conduct of another, and +if you give them frequently, on slight grounds, you will certainly have +cause to repent your carelessness. They are letters of business, and +should be carefully composed; truthful, while they are courteous, and +just, while they are kind. If you sacrifice candor to a mistaken +kindness, you not only make yourself a party to any mischief that may +result, but you are committing a dishonest act towards the person to +whom the letter will be delivered. + +LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION should be short, as they are generally delivered +in person, and ought not to occupy much time in reading, as no one likes +to have to wait while a long letter of introduction is read. While you +speak of the bearer in the warm language of friendship, do not write +praises in such a letter; they are about as much in place as they would +be if you spoke them at a personal introduction. Leave letters of +introduction unsealed, for it is a gross breach of politeness to +prevent the bearer from reading what you have written, by fastening the +envelope. The most common form is:-- + + Dear Sir, + + It gives me much pleasure to introduce to you, the bearer of + this letter, as my friend Mr. J----, who is to remain a few + days in your city on his way to New Orleans. I trust that the + acquaintance of two friends, for whom I have so long + entertained so warm an esteem, will prove as pleasant as my + intercourse with each has always been. Any attention which it + may be in your power to pay to Mr. J----, whilst he is in your + city, will be highly appreciated and gratefully acknowledged by + + Your sincere friend + JAMES C. RAY. + + MR. L. G. EDMONDS. + _June 23d, 18--._ + +If your letter is to introduce any gentleman in his business or +professional capacity, mention what that business is; and if your own +acquaintance with the bearer is slight, you may also use the name of the +persons from whom he brought letters to yourself. Here, you may, with +perfect propriety, say a few words in praise of the bearer’s skill in +his professional labors. If he is an artist, you need not hesitate to +give a favorable opinion of whatever of his pictures you have seen, or, +if a musician, express the delight his skill has afforded you. + +A LETTER REQUESTING AN AUTOGRAPH should always enclose a postage stamp +for the reply. In such a letter some words of compliment, expressive of +the value of the name for which you ask, is in good taste. You may refer +to the deeds or celebrity which have made the name so desirable, and +also express your sense of the greatness of the favor, and the +obligation the granting of it will confer. + +AUTOGRAPH LETTERS should be short; containing merely a few lines, +thanking the person addressed for the compliment paid in requesting the +signature, and expressive of the pleasure it gives you to comply with +the request. If you wish to refuse (though none but a churl would do +so), do not fall into the error of an eccentric American whose high +position in the army tempted a collector of autographs to request his +signature. The general wrote in reply:-- + + “Sir, + + “I’ll be hanged if I send my autograph to anybody. + + “Yours, + + “----.” + +and signed his name in full in the strong, bold letters which always +characterized his hand writing. + +INVITATIONS TO LADIES should be written in the third person, unless you +are very intimate with them, or can claim relationship. All letters +addressed to a lady should be written in a respectful style, and when +they are short and to a comparative stranger, the third person is the +most elegant one to use. Remember, in directing letters to young ladies, +the eldest one in a family is addressed by the surname alone, while the +others have also the proper name; thus, if you wrote to the daughters +of Mr. Smith, the eldest one is Miss Smith, the others, Miss Annie Smith +and Miss Jane Smith. + +Invitations should be sent by your own servant, or clerk. Nothing is +more vulgar than sending invitations through the despatch, and you run +the risk of their being delayed. The first time that you invite a lady +to accompany you to ride, walk, or visit any place of public amusement, +you should also invite her mother, sister, or any other lady in the same +family, unless you have a mother or sister with whom the lady invited is +acquainted, when you should say in your note that your mother or sister +will accompany you. + +LETTERS OF COMPLIMENT being confined to one subject should be short and +simple. If they are of thanks for inquiry made, they should merely echo +the letter they answer, with the acknowledgement of your correspondent’s +courtesy. + +LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION. Letters of congratulation are the most +agreeable of all letters to write; your subject is before you, and you +have the pleasure of sympathizing in the happiness of a friend. They +should be written in a frank, genial style, with warm expressions of +pleasure at your friend’s joy, and admit of any happy quotations or +jest. + +When congratulating your friend on an occasion of happiness to himself, +be very careful that your letter has no word of envy at his good +fortune, no fears for its short duration, no prophecy of a change for +the worse; let all be bright, cheerful, and hopeful. There are few men +whose life calls for letters of congratulation upon many occasions, let +them have bright, unclouded ones when they can claim them. If you have +other friends whose sorrow makes a contrast with the joy of the person +to whom you are writing, nay, even if you yourself are in affliction, do +not mention it in such a letter. + +At the same time avoid the satire of exaggeration in your expressions of +congratulation, and be very careful how you underline a word. If you +write a hope that your friend may be _perfectly happy_, he will not +think that the emphasis proves the strength of your wish, but that you +are fearful that it will not be fulfilled. + +If at the same time that you are writing a letter of congratulation, you +have sorrowful news to communicate, do not put your tidings of grief +into your congratulatory letter; let that contain only cheerful, +pleasant words; even if your painful news must be sent the same day, +send it in a separate epistle. + +LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE are trying both to the writer and to the reader. +If your sympathy is sincere, and you feel the grief of your friend as if +it were your own, you will find it difficult to express in written words +the sorrow that you are anxious to comfort. + +Even the warmest, most sincere expressions, sound cold and commonplace +to the mourner, and one grasp of the hand, one glance of the eye, will +do more to express sympathy than whole sheets of written words. It is +best not to try to say _all_ that you feel. You will fail in the attempt +and may weary your friend. Let your letter, then, be short, (not +heartlessly so) but let its words, though few, be warm and sincere. Any +light, cheerful jesting will be insulting in a letter of condolence. If +you wish to comfort by bringing forward blessings or hopes for the +future, do not do it with gay, or jesting expressions, but in a gentle, +kind manner, drawing your words of comfort, not from trivial, passing +events, but from the highest and purest sources. + +If the subject for condolence be loss of fortune or any similar event, +your letter will admit of the cheering words of every-day life, and +kindly hopes that the wheel of fortune may take a more favorable turn; +but, if death causes your friend’s affliction, there is but little to be +said in the first hours of grief. Your letter of sympathy and comfort +may be read after the first crushing grief is over, and appreciated +then, but words of comfort are but little heeded when the first agony of +a life-long separation is felt in all the force of its first hours. + +LETTERS SENT WITH PRESENTS should be short, mere cards of compliment, +and written in the third person. + +LETTERS ACKNOWLEDGING PRESENTS should also be quite short, written in +the third person, and merely containing a few lines of thanks, with a +word or two of admiration for the beauty, value, or usefulness of the +gift. + +LETTERS OF ADVICE are generally very unpalatable for the reader, and had +better not be written unless solicited, and not then unless your counsel +will really benefit your correspondent. When written, let them be +courteous, but, at the same time, perfectly frank. If you can avert an +evil by writing a letter of advice, even when unsolicited, it is a +friendly office to write, but it is usually a thankless one. + +To write after an act has been performed, and state what your advice +would have been, had your opinion been asked, is extremely foolish, and +if you disapprove of the course that has been taken, your best plan is, +certainly, to say nothing about it. + +In writing your letter of advice, give your judgement as an opinion, not +a law, and say candidly that you will not feel hurt if contrary advice +offered by any other, more competent to judge in the case, is taken. +While your candor may force you to give the most unpalatable counsel, +let your courtesy so express it, that it cannot give offence. + +LETTERS OF EXCUSE are sometimes necessary, and they should be written +promptly, as a late apology for an offence is worse than no apology at +all. They should be written in a frank, manly style, containing an +explanation of the offence, and the facts which led to it, the assurance +of the absence of malice or desire to offend, sorrow for the +circumstances, and a hope that your apology will be accepted. Never wait +until circumstances force an apology from you before writing a letter of +excuse. A frank, prompt acknowledgement of an offence, and a candidly +expressed desire to atone for it, or for indulgence towards it, cannot +fail to conciliate any reasonable person. + +CARDS OF COMPLIMENT must always be written in the third person. + +ANSWERS. The first requisite in answering a letter upon any subject, is +promptness. If you can answer by return of mail, do so; if not, write as +soon as possible. If you receive a letter making inquiries about facts +which you will require time to ascertain, then write a few lines +acknowledging the receipt of the letter of inquiry and promising to send +the information as soon as possible. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +WEDDING ETIQUETTE. + + +From an English work, “The Habits of Good Society,” I quote some +directions for the guidance of the happy man who proposes to enter the +state of matrimony. I have altered a few words to suit the difference of +country, but when weddings are performed in church, the rules given here +are excellent. They will apply equally well to the evening ceremony. + +“At a time when our feelings are or ought to be most susceptible, when +the happiness or misery of a condition in which there is no medium +begins, we are surrounded with forms and etiquettes which rise before +the unwary like spectres, and which even the most rigid ceremonialists +regard with a sort of dread. + +“Were it not, however, for these forms, and for this necessity of being +_en règle_, there might, on the solemnization of marriage, be confusion, +forgetfulness, and, even--speak it not aloud--irritation among the +parties most intimately concerned. Excitement might ruin all. Without a +definite programme, the old maids of the family would be thrusting in +advice. The aged chronicler of past events, or grandmother by the +fireside, would have it all her way; the venerable bachelor in tights, +with his blue coat and metal buttons, might throw every thing into +confusion by his suggestions. It is well that we are independent of all +these interfering advisers; that there is no necessity to appeal to +them. Precedent has arranged it all; we have only to put in or +understand what that stern authority has laid down; how it has been +varied by modern changes; and we must just shape our course boldly. +‘Boldly?’ But there is much to be done before we come to that. First, +there is the offer to be made. Well may a man who contemplates such a +step say to himself, with Dryden: + + ‘These are the realms of everlasting fate;’ + +for, in truth, on marriage one’s well-being not only here but even +hereafter mainly depends. But it is not on this bearing of the subject +that we wish to enter, contenting ourselves with a quotation from the +_Spectator_: + +“‘It requires more virtues to make a good husband or wife, than what go +to the finishing any the most shining character whatsoever.’ + +“In France, an engagement is an affair of negotiation and business; and +the system, in this respect, greatly resembles the practice in England, +on similar occasions, a hundred and fifty or two hundred years ago, or +even later. France is the most unchanging country in the world in her +habits and domestic institutions, and foremost among these is her +‘_Marriage de convenance_,’ or ‘_Marriage de raison_.’ + +“It is thus brought about. So soon as a young girl quits the school or +convent where she has been educated, her friends cast about for a +suitable _parti_. Most parents in France take care, so soon as a +daughter is born, to put aside a sum of money for her ‘_dot_,’ as they +well know that, whatever may be her attractions, _that_ is indispensable +in order to be married. They are ever on the look out for a youth with, +at least, an equal fortune, or more; or, if they are rich, for title, +which is deemed tantamount to fortune; even the power of writing those +two little letters _De_ before your name has some value in the marriage +contract. Having satisfied themselves, they thus address the young +lady:--‘It is now time for you to be married; I know of an eligible +match; you can see the gentleman, either at such a ball, or [if he is +serious] at church. I do not ask you to take him if his appearance is +positively disagreeable to you; if so, we will look out for some one +else.’ + +“As a matter of custom, the young lady answers that the will of her +parents is hers; she consents to take a survey of him to whom her +destiny is to be entrusted; and let us presume that he is accepted, +though it does not follow, and sometimes it takes several months to look +out, as it does for other matters, a house, or a place, or a pair of +horses. However, she consents; a formal introduction takes place; the +_promis_ calls in full dress to see his future wife; they are only just +to speak to each other, and those few unmeaning words are spoken in the +presence of the bride-elect’s mother; for the French think it most +indiscreet to allow the affections of a girl to be interested before +marriage, lest during the arrangements for the contract all should be +broken off. If she has no dislike, it is enough; never for an instant +are the engaged couple left alone, and in very few cases do they go up +to the altar with more than a few weeks’ acquaintance, and usually with +less. The whole matter is then arranged by notaries, who squabble over +the marriage-contract, and get all they can for their clients. + +“The contract is usually signed in France on the day before the +marriage, when all is considered safe; the religious portion of their +bond takes place in the church, and then the two young creatures are +left together to understand each other if they can, and to love each +other if they will; if not they must content themselves with what is +termed, _un ménage de Paris_. + +“In England, formerly, much the same system prevailed. A boy of +fourteen, before going on his travels, was contracted to a girl of +eleven, selected as his future wife by parents or guardians; he came +back after the _grande tour_ to fulfil the engagement. But by law it was +imperative that forty days should at least pass between the contract and +the marriage; during which dreary interval the couple, leashed together +like two young greyhounds, would have time to think of the future. In +France, the perilous period of reflection is not allowed. ‘I really am +so glad we are to take a journey,’ said a young French lady to her +friends; ‘I shall thus get to know something about my husband; he is +quite a stranger to me.’ Some striking instances of the _Marriage de +convenance_ being infringed on, have lately occurred in France. The late +Monsieur de Tocqueville married for love, after a five years’ +engagement. Guizot, probably influenced by his acquaintance with +England, gave his daughters liberty to choose for themselves, and they +married for _love_[B]--‘a very indelicate proceeding,’ remarked a French +comtesse of the old _régime_, when speaking of this arrangement. + +[B] Two brothers, named _De Witte_. + +“Nothing can be more opposed to all this than the American system. They +are so tenacious of the freedom of choice, that even persuasion is +thought criminal. + +“In France negotiations are often commenced on the lady’s side; in +America, never. Even too encouraging a manner, even the ordinary +attentions of civility, are, occasionally, a matter of reproach. We are +jealous of the delicacy of that sacred bond; which we presume to hope is +to spring out of mutual affection. A gentleman who, from whatever +motives, has made up his mind to marry, may set about it in two ways. He +may propose by letter or in words. The customs of society imply the +necessity of a sufficient knowledge of the lady to be addressed. This, +even in this country, is a difficult point to be attained; and, after +all, cannot be calculated by time, since, in large cities, you may know +people a year, and yet be comparative strangers; and, meeting them in +the country, may become intimate in a week. + +“Having made up his mind, the gentleman offers--wisely, if he can, in +speech. Letters are seldom expressive of what really passes in the mind +of man; or, if expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable +to exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme of cavil. Study, +care, which avail in every other species of composition, are death to +the lover’s effusion. A few sentences, spoken in earnest, and broken by +emotion, are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, both to parent and +daughter. Let him, however, speak and be accepted. He is, in that case, +instantly taken into the intimacy of his adopted relatives. Such is the +notion of American honor, that the engaged couple are henceforth allowed +to be frequently alone together, in walking and at home. If there be no +known obstacle to the engagement, the gentleman and lady are mutually +introduced to the respective relatives of each. It is for the +gentleman’s family to call first; for him to make the first present; and +this should be done as soon as possible after the offer has been +accepted. It is a sort of seal put upon the affair. The absence of +presents is thought to imply want of earnestness in the matter. This +present generally consists of some personal ornament, say, a ring, and +should be handsome, but not so handsome as that made for the +wedding-day. During the period that elapses before the marriage, the +betrothed man should conduct himself with peculiar deference to the +lady’s family and friends, even if beneath his own station. It is often +said: ‘I marry such a lady, but I do not mean to marry her whole +family.’ This disrespectful pleasantry has something in it so cold, so +selfish, that even if the lady’s family be disagreeable, there is a +total absence of delicate feeling to her in thus speaking of those +nearest to her. To her parents especially, the conduct of the betrothed +man should be respectful; to her sisters kind without familiarity; to +her brothers, every evidence of good-will should be testified. In making +every provision for the future, in regard to settlements, allowance for +dress, &c., the _extent_ of liberality convenient should be the spirit +of all arrangements. Perfect candor as to his own affairs, respectful +consideration for those of the family he is about to enter, mark a true +gentleman. + +“In France, however gay and even blameable a man may have been before +his betrothal, he conducts himself with the utmost propriety after that +event. A sense of what is due to a lady should repress all habits +unpleasant to her; smoking, if disagreeable; frequenting places of +amusement without her; or paying attention to other women. In this +respect, indeed, the sense of honor should lead a man to be as +scrupulous when his future wife is absent as when she is present, if not +more so. + +“In equally bad taste is exclusiveness. The devotions of two engaged +persons should be reserved for the _tête-à-tête_, and women are +generally in fault when it is otherwise. They like to exhibit their +conquest; they cannot dispense with attentions; they forget that the +demonstration of any peculiar condition of things in society must make +some one uncomfortable; the young lady is uncomfortable because she is +not equally happy; the young man detests what he calls nonsense; the old +think there is a time for all things. All sitting apart, therefore, and +peculiar displays, are in bad taste; I am inclined to think that they +often accompany insincerity, and that the truest affections are those +which are reserved for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private +interviews. At the same time, the airs of indifference and avoidance +should be equally guarded against; since, however strong and mutual +attachment may be, such a line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead +others, and so produce mischief. True feeling, and a lady-like +consideration for others, a point in which the present generation +essentially fails, are the best guides for steering between the extremes +of demonstration on the one hand, and of frigidity on the other. + +“During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a young lady should +endeavor to understand what is going on, receiving it in a right spirit. +If she has fortune, she should, in all points left to her, be generous +and confiding, at the same time prudent. Many a man, she should +remember, may abound in excellent qualities, and yet be improvident. He +may mean to do well, yet have a passion for building; he may be the very +soul of good nature, yet fond of the gaming-table; he may have no wrong +propensities of that sort, and yet have a confused notion of accounts, +and be one of those men who muddle away a great deal of money, no one +knows how; or he may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good +care of the pence, till he tires your very life out about an extra +dollar; or he may be facile or weakly good natured, and have a friend +who preys on him, and for whom he is disposed to become security. +Finally, the beloved Charles, Henry, or Reginald may have none of these +propensities, but may chance to be an honest merchant, or a tradesman, +with all his floating capital in business, and a consequent risk of +being one day rich, the next a pauper. + +“Upon every account, therefore, it is desirable for a young lady to have +a settlement on her; and she should not, from a weak spirit of romance, +oppose her friends who advise it, since it is for her husband’s +advantage as well as her own. By making a settlement there is always a +fund which cannot be touched--a something, however small, as a +provision for a wife and children; and whether she have fortune or not, +this ought to be made. An allowance for dress should also be arranged; +and this should be administered in such a way that a wife should not +have to ask for it at inconvenient hours, and thus irritate her husband. + +“Every preliminary being settled, there remains nothing except to fix +the marriage-day, a point always left to the lady to advance; and next +to settle how the ceremonial is to be performed is the subject of +consideration. + +“It is to be lamented that, previous to so solemn a ceremony, the +thoughts of the lady concerned must necessarily be engaged for some time +upon her _trousseau_. The _trousseau_ consists, in this country, of all +the habiliments necessary for a lady’s use for the first two or three +years of her married life; like every other outfit there are always a +number of articles introduced into it that are next to useless, and are +only calculated for the vain-glory of the ostentatious. + +“The _trousseau_ being completed, and the day fixed, it becomes +necessary to select the bridesmaids and the bridegroom’s man, and to +invite the guests. + +“The bridesmaids are from two to eight in number. It is ridiculous to +have many, as the real intention of the bridesmaid is, that she should +act as a witness of the marriage. It is, however, thought a compliment +to include the bride’s sisters and those of the bridegroom’s relations +and intimate friends, in case sisters do not exist. + +“When a bride is young the bridesmaids should be young; but it is absurd +to see a ‘single woman of a certain age,’ or a widow, surrounded by +blooming girls, making her look plain and foolish. For them the discreet +woman of thirty-five is more suitable as a bridesmaid. Custom decides +that the bridesmaids should be spinsters, but there is no legal +objection to a married woman being a bridesmaid, should it be necessary, +as it might be abroad, or at sea, or where ladies are few in number. +Great care should be taken not to give offence in the choice of +bridesmaids by a preference, which is always in bad taste on momentous +occasions. + +“The guests at the wedding should be selected with similar attention to +what is right and kind, with consideration to those who have a claim on +us, not only to what we ourselves prefer. + +“For a great wedding breakfast, it is customary to send out printed +cards from the parents or guardians from whose house the young lady is +to be married. + +“Early in the day, before eleven, the bride should be dressed, taking +breakfast in her own room. In America they load a bride with lace +flounces on a rich silk, and even sometimes with ornaments. In France it +is always remembered, with better taste, that when a young lady goes up +to the altar, she is ‘_encore jeune fille_;’ her dress, therefore, is +exquisitely simple; a dress of tulle over white silk, a long, wide veil of +white tulle, going down to the very feet, a wreath of maiden-blush-roses +interspersed with orange flowers. This is the usual costume of a French +bride of rank, or in the middle classes equally. + +“The gentleman’s dress should differ little from his full morning +costume. The days are gone by when gentlemen were married--as a +recently deceased friend of mine was--in white satin breeches and +waistcoat. In these days men show less joy in their attire at the fond +consummation of their hopes, and more in their faces. A dark-blue +frock-coat--black being superstitiously considered ominous--a white +waistcoat, and a pair of light trousers, suffice for the ‘happy man.’ +The neck-tie also should be light and simple. Polished boots are not +amiss, though plain ones are better. The gloves must be as white as the +linen. Both are typical--for in these days types are as important as +under the Hebrew law-givers--of the purity of mind and heart which are +supposed to exist in their wearer. Eheu! after all, he cannot be too +well dressed, for the more gay he is the greater the compliment to his +bride. Flowers in the button-hole and a smile on the face show the +bridegroom to be really a ‘happy man.’ + +“As soon as the carriages are at the door, those bridesmaids, who happen +to be in the house, and the other members of the family set off first. +The bride goes last, with her father and mother, or with her mother +alone, and the brother or relative who is to represent her father in +case of death or absence. The bridegroom, his friend, or bridegroom’s +man, and the bridesmaids ought to be waiting in the church. The father +of the bride gives her his arm, and leads her to the altar. Here her +bridesmaids stand near her, as arranged by the clerk, and the bridegroom +takes his appointed place. + +“It is a good thing for the bridegroom’s man to distribute the different +fees to the clergyman or clergymen, the clerk, and pew-opener, before +the arrival of the bride, as it prevents confusion afterwards. + +“The bride stands to the left of the bridegroom, and takes the glove off +her right hand, whilst he takes his glove off his right hand. The bride +gives her glove to the bridesmaid to hold, and sometimes to keep, as a +good omen. + +“The service then begins. During the recital, it is certainly a matter +of feeling how the parties concerned should behave; but if tears can be +restrained, and a quiet modesty in the lady displayed, and her emotions +subdued, it adds much to the gratification of others, and saves a few +pangs to the parents from whom she is to part. + +“It should be remembered that this is but the closing scene of a drama +of some duration--first the offer, then the consent and engagement. In +most cases the marriage has been preceded by acts which have stamped the +whole with certainty, although we do not adopt the contract system of +our forefathers, and although no event in this life can be certain. + +“I have omitted the mention of the bouquet, because it seems to me +always an awkward addition to the bride, and that it should be presented +afterwards on her return to the breakfast. Gardenias, if in season, +white azalia, or even camellias, with very little orange flowers, form +the bridal bouquet. The bridesmaids are dressed, on this occasion, so as +to complete the picture with effect. When there are six or eight, it is +usual for three of them to dress in one color, and three in another. At +some of the most fashionable weddings in London, the bridesmaids wear +veils--these are usually of net or tulle; white tarlatan dresses, over +muslin or beautifully-worked dresses, are much worn, with colors +introduced--pink or blue, and scarves of those colors; and white +bonnets, if bonnets are worn, trimmed with flowers to correspond. These +should be simple, but the flowers as natural as possible, and of the +finest quality. The bouquets of the bridesmaids should be of mixed +flowers. These they may have at church, but the present custom is for +the gentlemen of the house to present them on their return home, +previous to the wedding breakfast. + +“The register is then signed. The bride quits the church first with the +bridegroom, and gets into his carriage, and the father and mother, +bridesmaids, and bridegroom’s man, follow in order in their own. + +“The breakfast is arranged on one or more tables, and is generally +provided by a confectioner when expense is not an object. + +“Presents are usual, first from the bridegroom to the bridesmaids. These +generally consist of jewelry, the device of which should be unique or +quaint, the article more elegant than massive. The female servants of +the family, more especially servants who have lived many years in their +place, also expect presents, such as gowns or shawls; or to a very +valued personal attendant or housekeeper, a watch. But on such points +discretion must suggest, and liberality measure out the _largesse_ of +the gift.” + +When the ceremony is performed at the house of the bride, the bridegroom +should be ready full half an hour before the time appointed, and enter +the parlor at the head of his army of bridesmaids and groomsmen, with +his fair bride on his arm. In America a groomsman is allowed for each +bridesmaid, whilst in England one poor man is all that is allowed for +six, sometimes eight bridesmaids. The brothers or very intimate friends +of the bride and groom are usually selected for groomsmen. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT. + + +When you wish to invite a lady to accompany you to the theatre, opera, a +concert, or any other public place of amusement, send the invitation the +day previous to the one selected for taking her, and write it in the +third person. If it is the first time you have invited her, include her +mother, sister, or some other lady in the invitation. + +If she accepts your invitation, let it be your next care to secure good +seats, for it is but a poor compliment to invite a lady to go to the +opera, and put her in an uncomfortable seat, where she can neither hear, +see, nor be seen. + +Although, when alone, you will act a courteous part in giving your seat +to a strange lady, who is standing, in a crowded concert room, you +should not do so when you are with a lady. By giving up your place +beside her, you may place a lady next her, whom she will find an +unpleasant companion, and you are yourself separated from her, when the +conversation between the acts makes one of the greatest pleasures of an +evening spent in this way. In case of accident, too, he deprives her of +his protection, and gives her the appearance of having come alone. Your +first duty, when you are escorting a lady, is to that lady before all +others. + +When you are with a lady at a place of amusement, you must not leave +your seat until you rise to escort her home. If at the opera, you may +invite her to promenade between the acts, but if she declines, do you +too remain in your seat. + +Let all your conversation be in a low tone, not whispered, nor with any +air of mystery, but in a tone that will not disturb those seated near +you. + +Any lover-like airs or attitudes, although you may have the right to +assume them, are in excessively bad taste in public. + +If the evening you have appointed be a stormy one, you must call for +your companion with a carriage, and this is the more elegant way of +taking her even if the weather does not make it absolutely necessary. + +When you are entering a concert room, or the box of a theatre, walk +before your companion up the aisle, until you reach the seats you have +secured, then turn, offer your hand to her, and place her in the inner +seat, taking the outside one yourself; in going out, if the aisle is too +narrow to walk two abreast, you again precede your companion until you +reach the lobby, where you turn and offer your arm to her. + +Loud talking, laughter, or mistimed applause, are all in very bad taste, +for if you do not wish to pay strict attention to the performance, those +around you probably do, and you pay but a poor compliment to your +companion in thus implying her want of interest in what she came to +see. + +Secure your programme, libretto, or concert bill, before taking your +seat, as, if you leave it, in order to obtain them, you may find some +one else occupying your place when you return, and when the seats are +not secured, he may refuse to rise, thus giving you the alternative of +an altercation, or leaving your companion without any protector. Or, you +may find a lady in your seat, in which case, you have no alternative, +but must accept the penalty of your carelessness, by standing all the +evening. + +In a crowd, do not push forward, unheeding whom you hurt or +inconvenience, but try to protect your companion, as far as possible, +and be content to take your turn. + +If your seats are secured, call for your companion in time to be seated +some three or four minutes before the performance commences, but if you +are visiting a hall where you cannot engage seats, it is best to go +early. + +If you are alone and see ladies present with whom you are acquainted, +you may, with perfect propriety, go and chat with them between the acts, +but when with a lady, never leave her to speak to another lady. + +At an exhibition of pictures or statuary, you may converse, but let it +be in a quiet, gentlemanly tone, and without gesture or loud laughter. +If you stand long before one picture or statue, see that you are not +interfering with others who may wish to see the same work of art. If you +are engaged in conversation, and wish to rest, do not take a position +that will prevent others from seeing any of the paintings, but sit +down, or stand near the centre of the room. + +Never, unless urgently solicited, attach yourself to any party at a +place of amusement, even if some of the members of it are your own +relatives or intimate friends. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +MISCELLANEOUS. + + +When you are walking with a lady who has your arm, be careful to _keep +step_ with her, and do not force her to take long, unladylike steps, or +trot beside you with two steps to one of yours, by keeping your usual +manly stride. + +Never allow a lady, with whom you are walking, to carry a bundle, shawl, +or bag, unless both your hands are already occupied in her service. + +When you attend a wedding or bridal reception, it is the bridegroom whom +you are to _congratulate_, offering to the bride your wishes for her +future happiness, but not _congratulation_. If you are acquainted with +the bridegroom, but not with the bride, speak to him first, and he will +introduce you to his bride, but in any other case, you must speak first +to the bride, then to the bridegroom, then the bridesmaids, if you have +any previous acquaintance with them, then to the parents and family of +the bride, and after all this you are at liberty to seek your other +friends among the guests. If you are personally a stranger to the newly +married couple, but have received a card from being a friend of one of +the families or from any other reason, it is the first groomsman’s +place to introduce you, and you should give him your card, or mention +your name, before he leads you to the bride. + +Always remove a chair or stool that stands in the way of a lady passing, +even though she is an entire stranger to you. + +You may hand a chair to a strange lady, in a hotel, or upon a boat; you +may hand her water, if you see her rise to obtain it, and at a hotel +table you may pass her the dishes near you, with perfect propriety. + +In this country where every other man uses tobacco, it may not be amiss +to say a few words on smoking. + +Dr. Prout says, “Tobacco is confessedly one of the most virulent poisons +in nature. Yet such is the fascinating influence of this noxious weed, +that mankind resort to it in every form they can devise, to ensure its +stupifying and pernicious agency. Tobacco disorders the assimilating +functions in general, but particularly, as I believe, the assimilation +of the saccharine principle. I have never, indeed, been able to trace +the development of oxalic acid to the use of tobacco; but that some +analogous, and equally poisonous principle (probably of an acid nature), +is generated in certain individuals by its abuse, is evident from their +cachectic looks, and from the dark, and often greenish yellow tint of +the blood. The severe and peculiar dyspeptic symptoms sometimes produced +by inveterate snuff-taking are well known; and I have more than once +seen such cases terminate fatally with malignant disease of the stomach +and liver. Great smokers, also, especially those who employ short pipes +and cigars, are said to be liable to cancerous affections of the lips.” + +Yet, in spite of such warnings met with every day, Young America, +Middle-aged America, and Old America will continue to use the poison, +and many even use it in excess. An English writer gives some very good +rules for the times and places where smoking may be allowed, which I +quote for the use of smokers on this side of the water. + +He says: + +“But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which Raleigh taught our +gallants to puff in capacious bowls; which a royal pedant denounced in a +famous ‘Counterblast;’ which his flattering laureate, Ben Jonson, +ridiculed to please his master; which our wives and sisters protest +gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man can indulge +in; of which some fair favorers declare that they love the smell, and +others that they will never marry an indulger (which, by the way, they +generally end in doing); which has won a fame over more space and among +better men than Noah’s grape has ever done; which doctors still dispute +about, and boys still get sick over; but which is the solace of the +weary laborer; the support of the ill-fed; the refresher of over-wrought +brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the exquisite; the +excuse of the idle; the companion of the philosopher; and the tenth muse +of the poet. I will go neither into the medical nor the moral question +about the dreamy, calming cloud. I will content myself so far with +saying what may be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind, +that, in moderation, it is at least harmless; but what is moderate and +what is not, must be determined in each individual case, according to +the habits and constitution of the subject. If it cures asthma, it may +destroy digestion; if it soothes the nerves, it may, in excess, produce +a chronic irritability. + +“But I will regard it in a social point of view; and, first, as a +narcotic, notice its effects on the individual character. I believe, +then, that in moderation it diminishes the violence of the passions, +and, particularly, that of the temper. Interested in the subject, I have +taken care to seek instances of members of the same family having the +same violent tempers by inheritance, of whom the one has been calmed +down by smoking, and the other gone on in his passionate course. I +believe that it induces a habit of calm reflectiveness, which causes us +to take less prejudiced, perhaps less zealous views of life, and to be, +therefore, less irritable in our converse with our fellow creatures. I +am inclined to think that the clergy, the squirearchy, and the peasantry +are the most prejudiced and most violent classes in this country; there +may be other reasons for this, but it is noteworthy that these are the +classes which smoke least. On the other hand, I confess that it induces +a certain lassitude, and a lounging, easy mode of life, which are fatal +both to the precision of manners and the vivacity of conversation. The +mind of a smoker is contemplative rather than active; and if the weed +cures our irritability, it kills our wit. I believe that it is a fallacy +to suppose that it encourages drinking. There is more drinking and less +smoking in England than in any other country of the civilized world. +There was more drinking among the gentry of last century, who never +smoked at all. Smoke and wine do not go well together. Coffee or beer +are its best accompaniments, and the one cannot intoxicate, the other +must be largely imbibed to do so. I have observed among young bachelors +that very little wine is drunk in their chambers, and that beer is +gradually taking its place. The cigar, too, is an excuse for rising from +the dinner-table where there are no ladies to go to. + +“In another point of view, I am inclined to think that smoking has +conduced to make the society of men, when alone, less riotous, less +quarrelsome, and even less vicious than it was. Where young men now blow +a common cloud, they were formerly driven to a fearful consumption of +wine, and this in their heads, they were ready and roused to any +iniquity. But the pipe is the bachelor’s wife. With it he can endure +solitude longer, and is not forced into low society in order to shun it. +With it, too, the idle can pass many an hour, which otherwise he would +have given, not to work, but to extravagant devilries. With it he is no +longer restless and impatient for excitement of any kind. We never hear +now of young blades issuing in bands from their wine to beat the watch +or disturb the slumbering citizens, as we did thirty or forty years ago, +when smoking was still a rarity; they are all puffing harmlessly in +their chambers now. But, on the other hand, I foresee with dread a too +tender allegiance to the pipe, to the destruction of good society, and +the abandonment of the ladies. No wonder they hate it, dear creatures; +the pipe is the worst rival a woman can have, and it is one whose eyes +she cannot scratch out; who improves with age, while she herself +declines; who has an art which no woman possesses, that of never +wearying her devotee; who is silent, yet a companion; costs little, yet +gives much pleasure; who, lastly, never upbraids, and always yields the +same joy. Ah! this is a powerful rival to wife or maid, and no wonder +that at last the woman succumbs, consents, and, rather than lose her +lord or master, even supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands. + +“There are rules to limit this indulgence. One must never smoke, nor +even ask to smoke, in the company of the fair. If they know that in a +few minutes you will be running off to your cigar, the fair will do +well--say it is in a garden, or so--to allow you to bring it out and +smoke it there. One must never smoke, again, in the streets; that is, in +daylight. The deadly crime may be committed, like burglary, after dark, +but not before. One must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by the +ladies; thus, a well-bred man who has a wife or sisters, will not offer +to smoke in the dining-room after dinner. One must never smoke in a +public place, where ladies are or might be, for instance, a flower-show +or promenade. One may smoke in a railway-carriage in spite of by-laws, +if one has first obtained the consent of every one present; but if there +be a lady there, though she give her consent, smoke not. In nine cases +out of ten, she will give it from good nature. One must never smoke in a +close carriage; one may ask and obtain leave to smoke when returning +from a pic-nic or expedition in an open carriage. One must never smoke +in a theatre, on a race-course, nor in church. This last is not, +perhaps, a needless caution. In the Belgian churches you see a placard +announcing, ‘Ici on ne mâche pas du tabac.’ One must never smoke when +anybody shows an objection to it. One must never smoke a pipe in the +streets; one must never smoke at all in the coffee-room of a hotel. One +must never smoke, without consent, in the presence of a clergyman, and +one must never offer a cigar to any ecclesiastic. + +“But if you smoke, or if you are in the company of smokers, and are to +wear your clothes in the presence of ladies afterwards, you must change +them to smoke in. A host who asks you to smoke, will generally offer you +an old coat for the purpose. You must also, after smoking, rinse the +mouth well out, and, if possible, brush the teeth. You should never +smoke in another person’s house without leave, and you should not ask +leave to do so if there are ladies in the house. When you are going to +smoke a cigar you should offer one at the same time to anybody present, +if not a clergyman or a very old man. You should always smoke a cigar +given to you, whether good or bad, and never make any remarks on its +quality. + +“Smoking reminds me of spitting, but as this is at all times a +disgusting habit, I need say nothing more than--never indulge in it. +Besides being coarse and atrocious, it is very bad for the health.” + +Chesterfield warns his son against faults in good breeding in the +following words, and these warnings will be equally applicable to the +student of etiquette in the present day. He says:-- + +“Of the lesser talents, good breeding is the principal and most +necessary one, not only as it is very important in itself, but as it +adds great lustre to the more solid advantages both of the heart and the +mind. I have often touched upon good breeding to you before; so that +this letter shall be upon the next necessary qualification to it, which +is a genteel and easy manner and carriage, wholly free from those odd +tricks, ill-habits, and awkwardnesses, which even many very worthy and +sensible people have in their behaviour. However trifling a genteel +manner may sound, it is of very great consequence towards pleasing in +private life, especially the women, which one time or other, you will +think worth pleasing; and I have known many a man from his awkwardness, +give people such a dislike of him at first, that all his merit could not +get the better of it afterwards. Whereas a genteel manner prepossesses +people in your favor, bends them towards you, and makes them wish to be +like you. Awkwardness can proceed but from two causes; either from not +having kept good company, or from not having attended to it. In good +company do you take care to observe their ways and manners, and to form +your own upon them. Attention is absolutely necessary for this, as, +indeed, it is for everything else; and a man without attention is not +fit to live in the world. When an awkward fellow first comes into a +room, it is highly probable that he goes and places himself in the very +place of the whole room where he should not; there he soon lets his hat +fall down, and, in taking it up again, throws down his cane; in +recovering his cane, his hat falls a second time, so that he is quarter +of an hour before he is in order again. If he drinks tea or coffee, he +certainly scalds his mouth, and lets either the cup or saucer fall, and +spills either the tea or coffee. At dinner his awkwardness distinguishes +itself particularly, as he has more to do; there he holds his knife, +fork, and spoon differently from other people, eats with his knife, to +the great danger of his mouth, picks his teeth with his fork, and puts +his spoon, which has been in his throat twenty times, into the dishes +again. If he is to carve, he can never hit the joint: but, in his vain +efforts to cut through the bone, scatters the sauce in everybody’s face. +He generally daubs himself with soup and grease, though his napkin is +commonly stuck through a button-hole, and tickles his chin. When he +drinks, he infallibly coughs in his glass, and besprinkles the company. +Besides all this, he has strange tricks and gestures; such as snuffing +up his nose, making faces, putting his finger in his nose, or blowing it +and looking afterwards in his handkerchief so as to make the company +sick. His hands are troublesome to him, when he has not something in +them, and he does not know where to put them; but they are in perpetual +motion between his bosom and his breeches; he does not wear his clothes, +and, in short, he does nothing like other people. All this, I own, is +not in any degree criminal; but it is highly disagreeable and ridiculous +in company, and ought most carefully to be avoided, by whoever desires +to please. + +“From this account of what you should not do, you may easily judge what +you should do; and a due attention to the manners of people of fashion, +and who have seen the world, will make it habitual and familiar to you. + +“There is, likewise, an awkwardness of expression and words, most +carefully to be avoided; such as false English, bad pronunciation, old +sayings, and common proverbs; which are so many proofs of having kept +bad and low company. For example, if, instead of saying that tastes are +different, and that every man has his own peculiar one, you should let +off a proverb, and say, That what is one man’s meat is another man’s +poison; or else, Every one as they like, as the good man said when he +kissed his cow; everybody would be persuaded that you had never kept +company with anybody above footmen and housemaids. + +“Attention will do all this, and without attention nothing is to be +done; want of attention, which is really want of thought, is either +folly or madness. You should not only have attention to everything, but +a quickness of attention, so as to observe, at once, all the people in +the room, their motions, their looks, and their words, and yet without +staring at them, and seeming to be an observer. This quick and +unobserved observation is of infinite advantage in life, and is to be +acquired with care; and, on the contrary, what is called absence, which +is thoughtlessness, and want of attention about what is doing, makes a +man so like either a fool or a madman, that, for my part, I see no real +difference. A fool never has thought; a madman has lost it; and an +absent man is, for the time, without it. + +“I would warn you against those disagreeable tricks and awkwardnesses, +which many people contract when they are young, by the negligence of +their parents, and cannot get quit of them when they are old; such as +odd motions, strange postures, and ungenteel carriage. But there is +likewise an awkwardness of the mind, that ought to be, and with care may +be, avoided; as, for instance, to mistake names; to speak of Mr. +What-d’ye-call-him, or Mrs. Thingum, or How-d’ye-call-her, is +excessively awkward and ordinary. To call people by improper titles and +appellations is so too. To begin a story or narration when you are not +perfect in it, and cannot go through with it, but are forced, possibly, +to say, in the middle of it, ‘I have forgotten the rest,’ is very +unpleasant and bungling. One must be extremely exact, clear, and +perspicuous, in everything one says, otherwise, instead of entertaining, +or informing others, one only tires and puzzles them. The voice and +manner of speaking, too, are not to be neglected; some people almost +shut their mouths when they speak, and mutter so, that they are not to +be understood; others speak so fast, and sputter, that they are not to +be understood neither; some always speak as loud as if they were talking +to deaf people; and others so low that one cannot hear them. All these +habits are awkward and disagreeable, and are to be avoided by attention; +they are the distinguishing marks of the ordinary people, who have had +no care taken of their education. You cannot imagine how necessary it is +to mind all these little things; for I have seen many people with great +talents ill-received, for want of having these talents, too; and others +well received, only from their little talents, and who have had no great +ones.” + +Nothing is in worse taste in society than to repeat the witticisms or +remarks of another person as if they were your own. If you are +discovered in the larceny of another’s ideas, you may originate a +thousand brilliant ones afterwards, but you will not gain the credit of +one. If you quote your friend’s remarks, give them as quotations. + +Be cautious in the use of your tongue. Wise men say, that a man may +repent when he has spoken, but he will not repent if he keeps silence. + +If you wish to retain a good position in society, be careful to return +all the visits which are paid to you, promptly, and do not neglect your +calls upon ladies, invalids, and men older than yourself. + +Visiting cards should be small, perfectly plain, with your name, and, if +you will, your address _engraved_ upon it. A handsomely written card is +the most elegant one for a gentleman, after that comes the engraved one; +a printed one is very seldom used, and is not at all elegant. Have no +fanciful devices, ornamented edges, or flourishes upon your visiting +cards, and never put your profession or business upon any but business +cards, unless it is as a prefix or title: as, Dr., Capt., Col., or Gen., +in case you are in the army or navy, put U.S.N., or U.S.A. after your +name, but if you are only in the militia, avoid the vulgarity of using +your title, excepting when you are with your company or on a parade. +Tinted cards may be used, but plain white ones are much more elegant. If +you leave a card at a hotel or boarding house, write the name of the +person for whom it is intended above your own, on the card. + +In directing a letter, put first the name of the person for whom it is +intended, then the name of the city, then that of the state in which he +resides. If you send it to the care of another person, or to a boarding +house, or hotel, you can put that name either after the name of your +correspondent, or in the left hand corner of the letter--thus:-- + + MR. J. S. JONES, + Care of Mr. T. C. Jones, + Boston, + Mass. + +or, + + MR. J. S. JONES, + Boston, + Mass. + Revere House. + +If your friend is in the army or navy, put his title before his station +after his name, thus:-- + + CAPT. L. LEWIS, U.S.A., + +or, + + LIEUTENANT T. ROBERTS, U.S.N. + +If you send your letter by a private hand, put the name of the bearer in +the lower left hand corner of the envelope, but put the name only. +“Politeness of,”--or “Kindness of,” are obsolete, and not used now at +all. Write the direction thus:-- + + J. L. HOLMES, ESQ., + Revere House, + Boston, + Mass. + + C. L. Cutts, Esq. + +This will let your friend, Mr. Holmes, know that Mr. Cutts is in Boston, +which is the object to be gained by putting the name of the bearer on a +letter, sent by a private hand. + +GUARD AGAINST VULGAR LANGUAGE. There is as much connection between the +words and the thoughts as there is between the thoughts and the words; +the latter are not only the expression of the former, but they have a +power to re-act upon the soul and leave the stains of their corruption +there. A young man who allows himself to use one profane or vulgar word, +has not only shown that there is a foul spot on his mind, but by the +utterance of that word he extends that spot and inflames it, till, by +indulgence, it will soon pollute and ruin the whole soul. Be careful of +your words as well as your thoughts. If you can control the tongue, that +no improper words are pronounced by it, you will soon be able to control +the mind and save it from corruption. You extinguish the fire by +smothering it, or by preventing bad thoughts bursting out in language. +Never utter a word anywhere, which you would be ashamed to speak in the +presence of the most religious man. Try this practice a little, and you +will soon have command of yourself. + +Do not be known as an egotist. No man is more dreaded in society, or +accounted a greater “bore” than he whose every other word is “I,” “me,” +or “my.” Show an interest in all that others say of themselves, but +speak but little of your own affairs. + +It is quite as bad to be a mere relater of scandal or the affairs of +your neighbors. A female gossip is detestable, but a male gossip is not +only detestable but utterly despicable. + +A celebrated English lawyer gives the following directions for young men +entering into business. He says:-- + +“SELECT THE KIND OF BUSINESS THAT SUITS YOUR NATURAL INCLINATIONS AND +TEMPERAMENT.--Some men are naturally mechanics; others have a strong +aversion to anything like machinery, and so on; one man has a natural +taste for one occupation in life, and another for another. + +“I never could succeed as a merchant. I have tried it, unsuccessfully, +several times. I never could be content with a fixed salary, for mine is +a purely speculative disposition, while others are just the reverse; and +therefore all should be careful to select those occupations that suit +them best. + +“LET YOUR PLEDGED WORD EVER BE SACRED.--Never promise to do a thing +without performing it with the most rigid promptness. Nothing is more +valuable to a man in business than the name of always doing as he +agrees, and that to the moment. A strict adherence to this rule gives a +man the command of half the spare funds within the range of his +acquaintance, and encircles him with a host of friends, who may be +depended upon in any emergency. + +“WHATEVER YOU DO, DO WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT.--Work at it, if necessary, +early and late, in season and out of season, not leaving a stone +unturned, and never deferring for a single hour that which can just as +well be done _now_. The old proverb is full of truth and +meaning--“Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well.” Many a +man acquires a fortune by doing his business _thoroughly_, while his +neighbor remains poor for life, because he only _half_ does his +business. Ambition, energy, industry, and perseverance, are +indispensable requisites for success in business. + +“SOBRIETY. USE NO DESCRIPTION OF INTOXICATING DRINKS.--As no man can +succeed in business unless he has a _brain_ to enable him to lay his +plans, and _reason_ to guide him in their execution, so, no matter how +bountifully a man may be blessed with intelligence, if his brain is +muddled, and his judgment warped by intoxicating drinks, it is +impossible for him to carry on business successfully. How many good +opportunities have passed never to return, while a man was sipping a +‘social glass’ with a friend! How many a foolish bargain has been made +under the influence of the wine-cup, which temporarily makes his victim +so _rich_! How many important chances have been put off until to-morrow, +and thence for ever, because indulgence has thrown the system into a +state of lassitude, neutralizing the energies so essential to success in +business. The use of intoxicating drinks as a beverage is as much an +infatuation as is the smoking of opium by the Chinese, and the former is +quite as destructive to the success of the business man as the latter. + +“LET HOPE PREDOMINATE, BUT BE NOT TOO VISIONARY.--Many persons are +always kept poor because they are too _visionary_. Every project looks +to them like certain success, and, therefore, they keep changing from +one business to another, always in hot water, and always ‘under the +harrow.’ The plan of ‘counting the chickens before they are hatched,’ is +an error of ancient date, but it does not seem to improve by age. + +“DO NOT SCATTER YOUR POWERS.--Engage in one kind of business only, and +stick to it faithfully until you succeed, or until you conclude to +abandon it. A constant hammering on one nail will generally drive it +home at last, so that it can be clinched. When a man’s undivided +attention is centered on one object, his mind will continually be +suggesting improvements of value, which would escape him if his brain +were occupied by a dozen different subjects at once. Many a fortune has +slipped through men’s fingers by engaging in too many occupations at +once. + +“ENGAGE PROPER EMPLOYEES.--Never employ a man of bad habits when one +whose habits are good can be found to fill his situation. I have +generally been extremely fortunate in having faithful and competent +persons to fill the responsible situations in my business; and a man can +scarcely be too grateful for such a blessing. When you find a man unfit +to fill his station, either from incapacity or peculiarity of character +or disposition, dispense with his services, and do not drag out a +miserable existence in the vain attempt to change his nature. It is +utterly impossible to do so, ‘You cannot make a silk purse,’ &c. He has +been created for some other sphere; let him find and fill it.” + +If you wish to succeed in society, and be known as a man who converses +well, you must cultivate your memory. Do not smile and tell me that this +is a gift, not an acquirement. It is true that some people have +naturally a more retentive memory than others, but those naturally most +deficient may strengthen their powers by cultivation. + +Cultivate, therefore, this glorious faculty, by storing and exercising +it with trains of imagery. Accustom yourselves to look at any natural +object, and then consider how many facts and thoughts may be associated +with it--how much of poetic imagery and refined combinations. Follow out +this idea, and you will find that imagination, which is too often in +youth permitted to build up castles in the air, tenantless as they are +unprofitable, will become, if duly exercised, a source of much +enjoyment. I was led into this train of thought while walking in a +beautiful country, and seeing before me a glorious rainbow, over-arching +the valley which lay in front. And not more quickly than its appearance, +came to my remembrance an admirable passage in the “Art of Poetic +Painting,” wherein the author suggests the great mental advantage of +exercising the mind on all subjects, by considering-- + + “What use can be made of them? + What remarks they will illustrate? + What representations they will serve? + What comparison they will furnish?” + +And while thus thinking, I remembered that the ingenious author has +instanced the rainbow as affording a variety of illustrations, and +capable, in the imagery which it suggests, of numerous combinations. +Thus: + + +THE HUES OF THE RAINBOW + + Tinted the green and flowery banks of the stream; + Tinged the white blossoms of the apple orchards; + Shed a beauteous radiance on the grass; + Veiled the waning moon and the evening star; + Over-arched the mist of the waterfall; + Reminded the looker-on of peace opposed to turbulence. + And illustrated the moral that even the most beautiful things + of earth must pass away. + +Every book you read, every natural object which meets your view, may be +the exercise of memory, be made to furnish food both for reflection and +conversation, enjoyment for your own solitary hours, and the means of +making you popular in society. Believe me, the man who--“saw it, to be +sure, but really forgot what it looked like,” who is met every day in +society, will not be sought after as will the man, who, bringing memory +and fancy happily blended to bear upon what he sees, can make every +object worthy of remark familiar and interesting to those who have not +seen it. + +If you have leisure moments, and what man has not? do not consider them +as spare atoms of time to be wasted, idled away in profitless lounging. +Always have a book within your reach, which you may catch up at your odd +minutes. Resolve to edge in a little reading every day, if it is but a +single sentence. If you can give fifteen minutes a day, it will be felt +at the end of the year. Thoughts take up no room. When they are right +they afford a portable pleasure, which one may travel or labor with +without any trouble or incumbrance. + +In your intercourse with other men, let every word that falls from your +lips, bear the stamp of perfect truth. No reputation can be more +enviable than that of being known as a man who no consideration could +force to soil his soul with a lie. + +“Truth is naturally so acceptable to man, so charming in herself, that +to make falsehood be received, we are compelled to dress it up in the +snow-white robes of Truth; as in passing base coin, it must have the +impress of the good ere it will pass current. Deception, hypocrisy, and +dissimulation, are, when practised, direct compliments to the power of +Truth; and the common custom of passing off Truth’s counterfeit for +herself, is strong testimony in behalf of her intrinsic beauty and +excellence.” + +Next to being a man of talent, a well-read man is the most agreeable in +society, and no investment of money or time is so profitable as that +spent in good, useful books, and reading. A good book is a lasting +companion. Truths, which it has taken years to glean, are therein at +once freely but carefully communicated. We enjoy communion with the +mind, though not with the person of the writer. Thus the humblest man +may surround himself by the wisest and best spirits of past and present +ages. No one can be solitary who possesses a book; he owns a friend that +will instruct him in moments of leisure or of necessity. It is only +necessary to turn open the leaves, and the fountain at once gives forth +its streams. You may seek costly furniture for your homes, fanciful +ornaments for your mantel-pieces, and rich carpets for your floors; but, +after the absolute necessaries for a home, give me books as at once the +cheapest, and certainly the most useful and abiding embellishments. + +A true gentleman will not only refrain from ridiculing the follies, +ignorance, or infirmities of others, but he will not even allow himself +to smile at them. He will treat the rudest clown with the same easy +courtesy which he would extend to the most polished gentleman, and will +never by word, look, or gesture show that he notices the faults, or +vulgarity of another. _Personal deformity_ is a cross sent by God, and +none but a depraved, wicked, and brutal man could ridicule, or even +greet with a passing smile the unfortunate thus stamped. Even a word or +look of pity will wound the sensitive, but frank, gentle courtesy, the +regard paid by a feeling man to the comfort of a cripple, or that easy +grace which, while it shows no sign of seeing the deformity, shows more +deference to the afflicted one than to the more fortunate, are all duly +appreciated and acknowledged, and win for the man who extends them the +respect and love of all with whom he comes in contact. + +Remember that true wit never descends to personalities. When you hear a +man trying to be “funny” at the expense of his friends, or even his +enemies, you may feel sure that his _humor_ is forced, and while it +sinks to ill-nature, cannot rise to the level of true _wit_. + +Never try to make yourself out to be a very important person. If you are +so really, your friends will soon find it out, if not, they will not +give you credit for being so, because you try to force your fancied +importance upon them. A pompous fool, though often seen, is not much +loved nor respected, and you may remember that the frog who tried to +make himself as big as an ox, died in the attempt. + +A severe wit once said, “If you do not wish to be the mark for +slanderous tongues, be the first to enter a room, and the last to leave +it.” + +If you are ever tempted to speak against a woman, think first--“Suppose +she were my sister!” You can never gain anything by bringing your voice +against a woman, even though she may deserve contempt, and your +forbearance may shame others into a similar silence. It is a cowardly +tongue that will take a woman’s name upon it to injure her; though many +men do this, who would fear,--_absolutely be afraid_, to speak against a +man, or that same woman, had she a manly arm to protect her. + +I again quote from the celebrated Lord Chesterfield, who says: + +“It is good-breeding alone that can prepossess people in your favour at +first sight, more time being necessary to discover greater talents. This +good-breeding, you know, does not consist in low bows and formal +ceremony; but in an easy, civil, and respectful behaviour. You will take +care, therefore, to answer with complaisance, when you are spoken to; to +place yourself at the lower end of the table, unless bid to go higher; +to drink first to the lady of the house, and next to the master; not to +eat awkwardly or dirtily; not to sit when others stand; and to do all +this with an air of complaisance, and not with a grave, sour look, as if +you did it all unwillingly. I do not mean a silly, insipid smile, that +fools have when they would be civil; but an air of sensible good-humor. +I hardly know anything so difficult to attain, or so necessary to +possess, as perfect good-breeding; which is equally inconsistent with a +still formality, and impertinent forwardness, and an awkward +bashfulness. A little ceremony is often necessary; a certain degree of +firmness is absolutely so; and an outward modesty is extremely becoming; +the knowledge of the world, and your own observations, must, and alone +can tell you the proper quantities of each. + +“I mentioned the general rules of common civility, which, whoever does +not observe, will pass for a bear, and be as unwelcome as one, in +company; there is hardly any body brutal enough not to answer when they +are spoken to. But it is not enough not to be rude; you should be +extremely civil, and distinguished for your good breeding. The first +principle of this good breeding is never to say anything that you think +can be disagreeable to any body in company; but, on the contrary, you +should endeavor to say what will be agreeable to them; and that in an +easy and natural manner, without seeming to study for compliments. There +is likewise such a thing as a civil look, and a rude look; and you +should look civil, as well as be so; for if, while you are saying a +civil thing, you look gruff and surly, as English bumpkins do, nobody +will be obliged to you for a civility that seemed to come so +unwillingly. If you have occasion to contradict any body, or to set them +right from a mistake, it would be very brutal to say, ‘_That is not so, +I know better_, or _You are out_; but you should say with a civil look, +_I beg your pardon, I believe you mistake_, or, _If I may take the +liberty of contradicting you, I believe it is so and so_; for, though +you may know a thing better than other people, yet it is very shocking +to tell them so directly, without something to soften it; but remember +particularly, that whatever you say or do, with ever so civil an +intention, a great deal consists in the manner and the look, which must +be genteel, easy, and natural, and is easier to be felt than described. + +“Civility is particularly due to all women; and remember, that no +provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every +woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute, if he were +not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is the only +protection they have against the superior strength of ours; nay, even a +little flattery is allowable with women; and a man may, without +meanness, tell a woman that she is either handsomer or wiser than she +is. Observe the French people, and mind how easily and naturally civil +their address is, and how agreeably they insinuate little civilities in +their conversation. They think it so essential, that they call an honest +man and a civil man by the same name, of _honnête homme_; and the Romans +called civility _humanitas_, as thinking it inseparable from humanity. +You cannot begin too early to take that turn, in order to make it +natural and habitual to you.” + +Again, speaking of the inconveniency of bashfulness, he says:-- + +“As for the _mauvaise honte_, I hope you are above it. Your figure is +like other people’s; I suppose you will care that your dress shall be so +too, and to avoid any singularity. What then should you be ashamed of? +and why not go into a mixed company, with as much ease and as little +concern, as you would go into your own room? Vice and ignorance are the +only things I know, which one ought to be ashamed of; keep but clear of +them, and you may go anywhere without fear or concern. I have known some +people, who, from feeling the pain and inconveniences of this _mauvaise +honte_, have rushed into the other extreme, and turned impudent, as +cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of danger; but this too +is carefully to be avoided, there being nothing more generally shocking +than impudence. The medium between these two extremes marks out the +well-bred man; he feels himself firm and easy in all companies; is +modest without being bashful, and steady without being impudent; if he +is a stranger, he observes, with care, the manners and ways of the +people most esteemed at that place, and conforms to them with +complaisance.” + +Flattery is always in bad taste. If you say more in a person’s praise +than is deserved, you not only say what is _false_, but you make others +doubt the wisdom of your judgment. Open, palpable flattery will be +regarded by those to whom it is addressed as an insult. In your +intercourse with ladies, you will find that the delicate compliment of +seeking their society, showing your pleasure in it, and choosing for +subjects of conversation, other themes than the weather, dress, or the +opera, will be more appreciated by women of sense, than the more awkward +compliment of open words or gestures of admiration. + +Never imitate the eccentricities of other men, even though those men +have the highest genius to excuse their oddities. Eccentricity is, at +the best, in bad taste; but an imitation of it--second hand oddity--is +detestable. + +Never feign abstraction in society. If you have matters of importance +which really occupy your mind, and prevent you from paying attention to +the proper etiquette of society, stay at home till your mind is less +preoccupied. Chesterfield says:-- + +“What is commonly called an absent man, is commonly either a very weak, +or a very affected man; but be he which he will, he is, I am sure, a +very disagreeable man in company. He fails in all the common offices of +civility; he seems not to know those people to-day, whom yesterday he +appeared to live in intimacy with. He takes no part in the general +conversation; but, on the contrary, breaks into it from time to time, +with some start of his own, as if he waked from a dream. This (as I said +before) is a sure indication, either of a mind so weak that it is not +able to bear above one object at a time; or so affected, that it would +be supposed to be wholly engrossed by, and directed to, some very great +and important objects. Sir Isaac Newton, Mr. Locke, and (it may be) five +or six more, since the creation of the world, may have had a right to +absence, from that intense thought which the things they were +investigating required. But if a young man, and a man of the world, who +has no such avocations to plead, will claim and exercise that right of +absence in company, his pretended right should, in my mind, be turned +into an involuntary absence, by his perpetual exclusion out of company. +However frivolous a company may be, still, while you are among them, do +not show them, by your inattention, that you think them so; but rather +take their tone, and conform, in some degree, to their weakness, instead +of manifesting your contempt for them. There is nothing that people +bear more impatiently, or forgive less, than contempt; and an injury is +much sooner forgotten than an insult. If, therefore, you would rather +please than offend, rather be well than ill-spoken of, rather be loved +than hated; remember to have that constant attention about you, which +flatters every man’s little vanity; and the want of which, by mortifying +his pride, never fails to excite his resentment, or, at least, his ill +will. For instance: most people (I might say all people) have their +weaknesses; they have their aversions and their likings to such or such +things; so that, if you were to laugh at a man for his aversion to a +cat, or cheese, (which are common antipathies,) or, by inattention and +negligence, to let them come in his way, where you could prevent it, he +would, in the first case, think himself insulted, and, in the second, +slighted, and would remember both. Whereas your care to procure for him +what he likes, and to remove from him what he hates, shows him that he +is, at least, an object of your attention; flatters his vanity, and +makes him, possibly, more your friend than a more important service +would have done. With regard to women, attentions still below these are +necessary, and, by the custom of the world, in some measure due, +according to the laws of good breeding.” + +In giving an entertainment to your friends, while you avoid extravagant +expenditure, it is your duty to place before them the best your purse +will permit you to purchase, and be sure you have plenty. Abundance +without superfluity, and good quality without extravagance, are your +best rules for an entertainment. + +If, by the introduction of a friend, by a mistake, or in any other way, +your enemy, or a man to whom you have the strongest personal dislike, is +under your roof, or at your table, as a guest, hospitality and good +breeding both require you to treat him with the same frank courtesy +which you extend to your other guests; though you need make no violent +protestations of friendship, and are not required to make any advances +towards him after he ceases to be your guest. + +In giving a dinner party, invite only as many guests as you can seat +comfortably at your table. If you have two tables, have them precisely +alike, or, rest assured, you will offend those friends whom you place at +what they judge to be the inferior table. Above all, avoid having little +tables placed in the corners of the room, when there is a large table. +At some houses in Paris it is a fashion to set the dining room entirely +with small tables, which will accommodate comfortably three or four +people, and such parties are very merry, very sociable and pleasant, if +four congenial people are around each table; but it is a very dull +fashion, if you are not sure of the congeniality of each quartette of +guests. + +If you lose your fortune or position in society, it is wiser to retire +from the world of fashion than to wait for that world to bow you out. + +If you are poor, but welcome in society on account of your family or +talents, avoid the error which the young are most apt to fall into, that +of living beyond your means. + +The advice of Polonius to Laertes is as excellent in the present day, as +it was in Shakespeare’s time:-- + + “Give thy thoughts no tongue, + Nor any unproportioned thought his act. + Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. + The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, + Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel: + But do not dull thy palm with entertainments + Of each new hatch’d, unfledg’d comrade. Beware + Of entrance to a quarrel: but, being in, + Bear it that the opposer may beware of thee. + Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice; + Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgment. + Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, + But not express’d in fancy; rich, not gaudy; + For the apparel oft proclaims the man. + + * * * * * + + Neither a borrower nor a lender be: + For loan oft loses both itself and friend; + And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. + This above all,--To thine ownself be true; + And it must follow, as the night the day, + Thou canst not then be false to any man.” + +It is by no means desirable to be always engaged in the serious pursuits +of life. Take time for pleasure, and you will find your work progresses +faster for some recreation. Lord Chesterfield says: + +“I do not regret the time that I passed in pleasures; they were +seasonable; they were the pleasures of youth, and I enjoyed them while +young. If I had not, I should probably have overvalued them now, as we +are very apt to do what we do not know; but knowing them as I do, I know +their real value, and how much they are generally overrated. Nor do I +regret the time that I have passed in business, for the same reason; +those who see only the outside of it, imagine it has hidden charms, +which they pant after; and nothing but acquaintance can undeceive them. +I, who have been behind the scenes, both of pleasure and business, and +have seen all the springs and pullies of those decorations which +astonish and dazzle the audience, retire, not only without regret, but +with contentment and satisfaction. But what I do, and ever shall regret, +is the time which, while young, I lost in mere idleness, and in doing +nothing. This is the common effect of the inconsideracy of youth, +against which I beg you will be most carefully upon your guard. The +value of moments, when cast up, is immense, if well employed; if thrown +away, their loss is irrecoverable. Every moment may be put to some use, +and that with much more pleasure than if unemployed. Do not imagine that +by the employment of time, I mean an uninterrupted application to +serious studies. No; pleasures are, at proper times, both as necessary +and as useful; they fashion and form you for the world; they teach you +characters, and show you the human heart in its unguarded minutes. But +then remember to make that use of them. I have known many people, from +laziness of mind, go through both pleasure and business with equal +inattention; neither enjoying the one nor doing the other; thinking +themselves men of pleasure, because they were mingled with those who +were, and men of business, because they had business to do, though they +did not do it. Whatever you do, do it to the purpose; do it thoroughly, +not superficially. _Approfondissez_: go to the bottom of things. +Anything half done or half known, is, in my mind, neither done nor +known at all. Nay worse, it often misleads. There is hardly any place or +any company where you may not gain knowledge, if you please; almost +every body knows some one thing, and is glad to talk upon that one +thing. Seek and you will find, in this world as well as in the next. See +everything; inquire into everything; and you may excuse your curiosity, +and the questions you ask, which otherwise might be thought impertinent, +by your manner of asking them; for most things depend a great deal upon +the manner. As, for example, I _am afraid that I am very troublesome +with my questions; but nobody can inform me so well as you_; or +something of that kind.” + +The same author, speaking of the evils of pedantry, says:-- + +“Every excellency, and every virtue has its kindred vice or weakness; +and, if carried beyond certain bounds, sinks into one or the other. +Generosity often runs into profusion, economy into avarice, courage into +rashness, caution into timidity, and so on:--insomuch that, I believe, +there is more judgment required for the proper conduct of our virtues, +than for avoiding their opposite vices. Vice, in its true light, is so +deformed, that it shocks us at first sight, and would hardly ever seduce +us, if it did not at first wear the mask of some virtue. But virtue is, +in itself, so beautiful, that it charms us at first sight; engages us +more and more upon further acquaintance; and, as with other beauties, we +think excess impossible, it is here that judgment is necessary, to +moderate and direct the effects of an excellent cause. I shall apply +this reasoning, at present, not to any particular virtue, but to an +excellency, which, for want of judgment, is often the cause of +ridiculous and blameable effects; I mean great learning; which, if not +accompanied with sound judgment, frequently carries us into error, +pride, and pedantry. As, I hope, you will possess that excellency in its +utmost extent, and yet without its too common failings, the hints, which +my experience can suggest, may probably not be useless to you. + +“Some learned men, proud of their knowledge, only speak to decide, and +give judgment without appeal; the consequence of which is, that mankind, +provoked by the insult, and injured by the oppression, revolt; and, in +order to shake off the tyranny, even call the lawful authority in +question. The more you know, the modester you should be; and (by the +bye) that modesty is the surest way of gratifying your vanity. Even +where you are sure, seem rather doubtful; represent, but do not +pronounce; and, if you would convince others, seem open to conviction +yourself. + +“Others, to show their learning, or often from the prejudices of a +school education, where they hear of nothing else, are always talking of +the ancients, as something more than men, and of the moderns, as +something less. They are never without a classic or two in their +pockets; they stick to the old good sense; they read none of the modern +trash; and will show you plainly that no improvement has been made in +any one art or science these last seventeen hundred years. I would, by +no means, have you disown your acquaintance with the ancients; but still +less would I have you brag of an exclusive intimacy with them. Speak of +the moderns without contempt, and of the ancients without idolatry; +judge them all by their merits, but not by their ages; and if you happen +to have an Elzevir classic in your pocket, neither show it nor mention +it. + +“Some great scholars, most absurdly, draw all their maxims, both for +public and private life, from what they call parallel cases in the +ancient authors; without considering that, in the first place, there +never were, since the creation of the world, two cases exactly parallel; +and, in the next place, that there never was a case stated, or even +known, by any historian, with every one of its circumstances; which, +however, ought to be known in order to be reasoned from. Reason upon the +case itself, and the several circumstances that attend it, and act +accordingly; but not from the authority of ancient poets or historians. +Take into your consideration, if you please, cases seemingly analogous; +but take them as helps only, not as guides. + +“There is another species of learned men who, though less dogmatical and +supercilious, are not less impertinent. These are the communicative and +shining pedants, who adorn their conversation, even with women, by happy +quotations of Greek and Latin; and who have contracted such a +familiarity with the Greek and Roman authors, that they call them by +certain names or epithets denoting intimacy. As, _old_ Homer; that _sly +rogue_ Horace; _Maro_, instead of Virgil; and _Naso_, instead of Ovid. +These are often imitated by coxcombs who have no learning at all, but +who have got some names and some scraps of ancient authors by heart, +which they improperly and impertinently retail in all companies, in +hopes of passing for scholars. If, therefore, you would avoid the +accusation of pedantry on one hand, or the suspicion of ignorance on the +other, abstain from learned ostentation. Speak the language of the +company that you are in; speak it purely, and unlarded with any other. +Never seem wiser nor more learned than the people you are with. Wear +your learning, like your watch, in a private pocket; and do not pull it +out and strike it, merely to show that you have one. If you are asked +what o’clock it is, tell it, but do not proclaim it hourly and unasked, +like the watchman. + +“Upon the whole, remember that learning (I mean Greek and Roman +learning) is a most useful and necessary ornament, which it is shameful +not to be master of; but, at the same time, most carefully avoid those +errors and abuses which I have mentioned, and which too often attend it. +Remember, too, that great modern knowledge is still more necessary than +ancient; and that you had better know perfectly the present, than the +old state of the world; though I would have you well acquainted with +both.” + +If you are poor, you must deprive yourself often of the pleasure of +escorting ladies to ride, the opera, or other entertainments, because it +is understood in society that, in these cases, a gentleman pays all the +expenses for both, and in any emergency you may find your bill for +carriage hire, suppers, bouquets, or other unforeseen demands, greater +than you anticipated. + +Shun the card table. Even the friendly games common in society, for +small stakes, are best avoided. They feed the love of gambling, and you +will find that this love, if once acquired, is the hardest curse to get +rid of. + +It is in bad taste, though often done, to turn over the cards on a +table, when you are calling. If your host or hostess finds you so doing, +it may lead them to suppose you value them more for their acquaintances +than themselves. + + + + +---------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Transcriber’s Note: + + +Inconsistencies in accents (e.g. tete a tete vs. tête à tête) and +hyphenation (e.g. ball room vs. ball-room) have not been corrected. +Variant spellings have also been retained. + +Minor typographical errors (e.g. missing punctuation, incorrect or +duplicate letters) have been corrected without note. + +The following changes were also made to the text: + +p. 130: missing ‘at’ added (too lazy to part it at all) + +p. 255: two asterisks changed to ellipsis (before he begins any +other....) + +p. 266: italics added to ‘I’ and removed from ‘or’ ( _I have the honor +to acquaint you_; _Permit me to assure you_; or,) + +p. 292: italics removed from ‘of’ (_largesse_ of) + +p. 332: off to of (get rid of) + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and +Manual of Politeness, by Cecil B. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness + Being a Complete Guide for a Gentleman's Conduct in all + his Relations Towards Society + +Author: Cecil B. Hartley + +Release Date: March 28, 2012 [EBook #39293] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + + + + +Produced by Julia Miller, S.D., and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + THE + + GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, + + AND + + MANUAL OF POLITENESS; + + BEING + + A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR A GENTLEMAN'S CONDUCT IN ALL + HIS RELATIONS TOWARDS SOCIETY. + + CONTAINING + + RULES FOR THE ETIQUETTE TO BE OBSERVED IN THE STREET, AT + TABLE, IN THE BALL ROOM, EVENING PARTY, AND MORNING + CALL; WITH FULL DIRECTIONS FOR POLITE CORRESPONDENCE, + DRESS, CONVERSATION, MANLY EXERCISES, + AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. + + FROM THE BEST FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND AMERICAN AUTHORITIES. + + BY + CECIL B. HARTLEY. + + BOSTON: + G. W. COTTRELL, PUBLISHER, + 36 CORNHILL. + + +Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by + +G. G. EVANS, + +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of +Pennsylvania. + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + + +Man was not intended to live like a bear or a hermit, apart from others +of his own nature, and, philosophy and reason will each agree with me, +that man was born for sociability and finds his true delight in society. +Society is a word capable of many meanings, and used here in each and +all of them. Society, _par excellence_; the world at large; the little +clique to which he is bound by early ties; the companionship of friends +or relatives; even society _tete a tete_ with one dear sympathizing +soul, are pleasant states for a man to be in. + +Taking the word in its most extended view, it is the world; but in the +light we wish to impress in our book it is the smaller world of the +changing, pleasant intercourse of each city or town in which our reader +may chance to abide. + +This society, composed, as it is, of many varying natures and elements, +where each individual must submit to merge his own identity into the +universal whole, which makes the word and state, is divided and +subdivided into various cliques, and has a pastime for every +disposition, grave or gay; and with each division rises up a new set of +forms and ceremonies to be observed if you wish to glide down the +current of polite life, smoothly and pleasantly. + +The young man who makes his first entrance into the world of society, +should know how to choose his friends, and next how to conduct himself +towards them. Experience is, of course, the best guide, but at first +starting this must come second hand, from an older friend, or from +books. + +A judicious friend is the best guide; but how is the young man to know +whom to choose? When at home this friend is easily selected; but in this +country, where each bird leaves the parent nest as soon as his wings +will bear him safely up, there are but few who stay amongst the friends +at home. + +Next then comes the instruction from books. + +True a book will not fully supply the place either of experience or +friendly advice, still it may be made useful, and, carefully written +from the experience of heads grown gray in society, with only well +authenticated rules, it will be a guide not to be despised by the young +aspirant for favor in polite and refined circles. + +You go into society from mixed motives; partly for pleasure, recreation +after the fatigues of your daily duties, and partly that you may become +known. In a republican country where one man's opportunities for rising +are as good as those of another, ambition will lead every rising man +into society. + +You may set it down as a rule, that as you treat the world, so the world +will treat you. Carry into the circles of society a refined, polished +manner, and an amiable desire to please, and it will meet you with +smiling grace, and lead you forward pleasantly along the flowery paths; +go, on the contrary, with a brusque, rude manner, startling all the +silky softness before you with cut and thrust remarks, carrying only +the hard realities of life in your hand, and you will find society armed +to meet you, showing only sharp corners and thorny places for your +blundering footsteps to stumble against. + +You will find in every circle that etiquette holds some sway; her rule +is despotic in some places, in others mild, and easily set aside. Your +first lesson in society will be to study where she reigns supreme, in +her crown and holding her sceptre, and where she only glides in with a +gentle hint or so, and timidly steps out if rebuked; and let your +conduct be governed by the result of your observations. You will soon +become familiar with the signs, and tell on your first entrance into a +room whether kid gloves and exquisite finish of manner will be +appropriate, or whether it is "hail, fellow, well met" with the inmates. +Remember, however, "once a gentleman always a gentleman," and be sure +that you can so carry out the rule, that in your most careless, joyous +moments, when freest from the restraints of etiquette, you can still be +recognizable as a _gentleman_ by every act, word, or look. + +Avoid too great a restraint of manner. Stiffness is not politeness, and, +while you observe every rule, you may appear to heed none. To make your +politeness part of yourself, inseparable from every action, is the +height of gentlemanly elegance and finish of manner. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + + INTRODUCTION 3 + + CHAPTER I. + + CONVERSATION 11 + + CHAPTER II. + + POLITENESS 31 + + CHAPTER III. + + TABLE ETIQUETTE 50 + + CHAPTER IV. + + ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET 66 + + CHAPTER V. + + ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING 75 + + CHAPTER VI. + + ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM 91 + + CHAPTER VII. + + DRESS 116 + + CHAPTER VIII. + + MANLY EXERCISES 154 + + CHAPTER IX. + + TRAVELING 176 + + CHAPTER X. + + ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH 183 + + CHAPTER XI. + + ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT 186 + + CHAPTER XII. + + PARTIES 222 + + CHAPTER XIII. + + COURTESY AT HOME 228 + + CHAPTER XIV. + + TRUE COURTESY 244 + + CHAPTER XV. + + LETTER WRITING 252 + + CHAPTER XVI. + + WEDDING ETIQUETTE 280 + + CHAPTER XVII. + + ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT 294 + + CHAPTER XVIII. + + MISCELLANEOUS 298 + + + + +GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +CONVERSATION. + + +One of the first rules for a guide in polite conversation, is to avoid +political or religious discussions in general society. Such discussions +lead almost invariably to irritating differences of opinion, often to +open quarrels, and a coolness of feeling which might have been avoided +by dropping the distasteful subject as soon as marked differences of +opinion arose. It is but one out of many that can discuss either +political or religious differences, with candor and judgment, and yet so +far control his language and temper as to avoid either giving or taking +offence. + +In their place, in circles which have met for such discussions, in a +_tte tte_ conversation, in a small party of gentlemen where each is +ready courteously to listen to the others, politics may be discussed +with perfect propriety, but in the drawing-room, at the dinner-table, or +in the society of ladies, these topics are best avoided. + +If you are drawn into such a discussion without intending to be so, be +careful that your individual opinion does not lead you into language +and actions unbecoming a gentleman. Listen courteously to those whose +opinions do not agree with yours, and _keep your temper_. A man in a +passion ceases to be a gentleman. + +Even if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, yield gracefully, +decline further discussion, or dextrously turn the conversation, but do +not obstinately defend your own opinion until you become angry, or more +excited than is becoming to a gentleman. + +Many there are who, giving their opinion, not as an _opinion_ but as a +_law_, will defend their position by such phrases, as: "Well, if _I_ +were president, or governor, I would," &c.--and while by the warmth of +their argument they prove that they are utterly unable to govern their +own temper, they will endeavor to persuade you that they are perfectly +competent to take charge of the government of the nation. + +Retain, if you will, a fixed political opinion, yet do not parade it +upon all occasions, and, above all, do not endeavor to _force_ others to +agree with you. Listen calmly to their ideas upon the same subjects, and +if you cannot agree, differ politely, and while your opponent may set +you down as a bad politician, let him be obliged to admit that you are a +_gentleman_. + +Wit and vivacity are two highly important ingredients in the +conversation of a man in polite society, yet a straining for effect, or +forced wit, is in excessively bad taste. There is no one more +insupportable in society than the everlasting talkers who scatter puns, +witticisms, and jokes with so profuse a hand that they become as +tiresome as a comic newspaper, and whose loud laugh at their own wit +drowns other voices which might speak matter more interesting. The +really witty man does not shower forth his wit so indiscriminately; his +charm consists in wielding his powerful weapon delicately and easily, +and making each highly polished witticism come in the right place and +moment to be effectual. While real wit is a most delightful gift, and +its use a most charming accomplishment, it is, like many other bright +weapons, dangerous to use too often. You may wound where you meant only +to amuse, and remarks which you mean only in for general applications, +may be construed into personal affronts, so, if you have the gift, use +it wisely, and not too freely. + +The most important requisite for a good conversational power is +education, and, by this is meant, not merely the matter you may store in +your memory from observation or books, though this is of vast +importance, but it also includes the developing of the mental powers, +and, above all, the comprehension. An English writer says, "A man should +be able, in order to enter into conversation, to catch rapidly the +meaning of anything that is advanced; for instance, though you know +nothing of science, you should not be obliged to stare and be silent, +when a man who does understand it is explaining a new discovery or a new +theory; though you have not read a word of Blackstone, your +comprehensive powers should be sufficiently acute to enable you to take +in the statement that may be made of a recent cause; though you may not +have read some particular book, you should be capable of appreciating +the criticism which you hear of it. Without such power--simple enough, +and easily attained by attention and practice, yet too seldom met with +in general society--a conversation which departs from the most ordinary +topics cannot be maintained without the risk of lapsing into a lecture; +with such power, society becomes instructive as well as amusing, and you +have no remorse at an evening's end at having wasted three or four hours +in profitless banter, or simpering platitudes. This facility of +comprehension often startles us in some women, whose education we know +to have been poor, and whose reading is limited. If they did not rapidly +receive your ideas, they could not, therefore, be fit companions for +intellectual men, and it is, perhaps, their consciousness of a +deficiency which leads them to pay the more attention to what you say. +It is this which makes married women so much more agreeable to men of +thought than young ladies, as a rule, can be, for they are accustomed to +the society of a husband, and the effort to be a companion to his mind +has engrafted the habit of attention and ready reply." + +The same author says: "No less important is the cultivation of taste. If +it is tiresome and deadening to be with people who cannot understand, +and will not even appear to be interested in your better thoughts, it is +almost repulsive to find a man insensible to all beauty, and immovable +by any horror. + +"In the present day an acquaintance with art, even if you have no love +for it, is a _sine qu non_ of good society. Music and painting are +subjects which will be discussed in every direction around you. It is +only in bad society that people go to the opera, concerts, and +art-exhibitions merely because it is the fashion, or to say they have +been there; and if you confessed to such a weakness in really good +society, you would be justly voted a puppy. For this, too, some book +knowledge is indispensable. You should at least know the names of the +more celebrated artists, composers, architects, sculptors, and so forth, +and should be able to approximate their several schools. + +"So too, you should know pretty accurately the pronunciation of +celebrated names, or, if not, take care not to use them. It will never +do to be ignorant of the names and approximate ages of great composers, +especially in large cities, where music is so highly appreciated and so +common a theme. It will be decidedly condemnatory if you talk of the +_new_ opera 'Don Giovanni,' or _Rossini's_ 'Trovatore,' or are ignorant +who composed 'Fidelio,' and in what opera occur such common pieces as +'_Ciascun lo dice_,' or '_Il segreto_.' I do not say that these trifles +are indispensable, and when a man has better knowledge to offer, +especially with genius or 'cleverness' to back it, he will not only be +pardoned for an ignorance of them, but can even take a high tone, and +profess indifference or contempt of them. But, at the same time, such +ignorance stamps an ordinary man, and hinders conversation. On the other +hand the best society will not endure dilettantism, and, whatever the +knowledge a man may possess of any art, he must not display it so as to +make the ignorance of others painful to them. But this applies to every +topic. To have only one or two subjects to converse on, and to discourse +rather than talk on them, is always ill-bred, whether the theme be +literature or horseflesh. The gentleman jockey will probably denounce +the former as a 'bore,' and call us pedants for dwelling on it; but if, +as is too often the case, he can give us nothing more general than the +discussion of the 'points' of a horse that, perhaps, we have never seen, +he is as great a pedant in his way. + +"_Reason_ plays a less conspicuous part in good society because its +frequenters are too reasonable to be mere reasoners. A disputation is +always dangerous to temper, and tedious to those who cannot feel as +eager as the disputants; a discussion, on the other hand, in which every +body has a chance of stating amicably and unobtrusively his or her +opinion, must be of frequent occurrence. But to cultivate the reason, +besides its high moral value, has the advantage of enabling one to reply +as well as attend to the opinions of others. Nothing is more tedious or +disheartening than a perpetual, 'Yes, just so,' and nothing more. +Conversation must never be one-sided. Then, again, the reason enables us +to support a fancy or an opinion, when we are asked _why_ we think so. +To reply, 'I don't know, but still I think so,' is silly and tedious. + +"But there is a part of our education so important and so neglected in +our schools and colleges, that it cannot be too highly impressed on the +young man who proposes to enter society. I mean that which we learn +first of all things, yet often have not learned fully when death eases +us of the necessity--the art of speaking our own language. What can +Greek and Latin, French and German be for us in our every-day life, if +we have not acquired this? We are often encouraged to raise a laugh at +Doctor Syntax and the tyranny of Grammar, but we may be certain that +more misunderstandings, and, therefore, more difficulties arise between +men in the commonest intercourse from a want of grammatical precision +than from any other cause. It was once the fashion to neglect grammar, +as it now is with certain people to write illegibly, and, in the days of +Goethe, a man thought himself a genius if he could spell badly. + +"Precision and accuracy must begin in the very outset; and if we neglect +them in grammar, we shall scarcely acquire them in expressing our +thoughts. But since there is no society without interchange of thought, +and since the best society is that in which the best thoughts are +interchanged in the best and most comprehensible manner, it follows that +a proper mode of expressing ourselves is indispensable in good society. + +"The art of expressing one's thoughts neatly and suitably is one which, +in the neglect of rhetoric as a study, we must practice for ourselves. +The commonest thought well put is more useful in a social point of view, +than the most brilliant idea jumbled out. What is well expressed is +easily seized, and therefore readily responded to; the most poetic fancy +may be lost to the hearer, if the language which conveys it is obscure. +Speech is the gift which distinguishes man from animals, and makes +society possible. He has but a poor appreciation of his high privilege +as a human being, who neglects to cultivate, 'God's great gift of +speech.' + +"As I am not writing for men of genius, but for ordinary beings, I am +right to state that an indispensable part of education is a knowledge of +the literature of the English language. But _how_ to read, is, for +society more important than _what_ we read. The man who takes up nothing +but a newspaper, but reads it to _think_, to deduct conclusions from its +premises, and form a judgment on its opinions, is more fitted for +society than he, who having all the current literature and devoting his +whole time to its perusal, swallows it all without digestion. In fact, +the mind must be treated like the body, and however great its appetite, +it will soon fall into bad health if it gorges, but does not ruminate. +At the same time an acquaintance with the best current literature is +necessary to modern society, and it is not sufficient to have read a +book without being able to pass a judgment upon it. Conversation on +literature is impossible, when your respondent can only say, 'Yes. I +like the book, but I really don't know why.' + +"An acquaintance with old English literature is not perhaps +indispensable, but it gives a man great advantage in all kinds of +society, and in some he is at a constant loss without it. The same may +be said of foreign literature, which in the present day is almost as +much discussed as our own; but, on the other hand, an acquaintance with +home and foreign politics, with current history, and subjects of passing +interest, is absolutely necessary; and a person of sufficient +intelligence to join in good society, cannot dispense with his daily +newspaper, his literary journal, and the principal reviews and +magazines. The cheapness of every kind of literature, the facilities of +our well stored circulating libraries, our public reading rooms, and +numerous excellent lectures on every possible subject, leave no excuse +to poor or rich for an ignorance of any of the topics discussed in +intellectual society. You may forget your Latin, Greek, French, German, +and Mathematics, but if you frequent good company, you will never be +allowed to forget that you are a citizen of the world." + +A man of real intelligence and cultivated mind, is generally modest. He +may feel when in every day society, that in intellectual acquirements he +is above those around him; but he will not seek to make his companions +feel their inferiority, nor try to display this advantage over them. He +will discuss with frank simplicity the topics started by others, and +endeavor to avoid starting such as they will not feel inclined to +discuss. All that he says will be marked by politeness and deference to +the feelings and opinions of others. + +La Bruyere says, "The great charm of conversation consists less in the +display of one's own wit and intelligence, than in the power to draw +forth the resources of others; he who leaves you after a long +conversation, pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the +discourse, will be your warmest admirer. Men do not care to admire you, +they wish you to be pleased with them; they do not seek for instruction +or even amusement from your discourse, but they do wish you to be made +acquainted with their talents and powers of conversation; and the true +man of genius will delicately make all who come in contact with him, +feel the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they have appeared to +advantage." + +Having admitted the above to be an incontestable fact, you will also see +that it is as great an accomplishment to listen with an air of interest +and attention, as it is to speak well. + +To be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a good talker, and it +is in the character of listener that you can most readily detect the man +who is accustomed to good society. Nothing is more embarrassing to any +one who is speaking, than to perceive signs of weariness or inattention +in the person whom he addresses. + +Never interrupt any one who is speaking; it is quite as rude to +officiously supply a name or date about which another hesitates, unless +you are asked to do so. Another gross breach of etiquette, is to +anticipate the point of a story which another person is reciting, or to +take it from his lips to finish it in your own language. Some persons +plead as an excuse for this breach of etiquette, that the reciter was +spoiling a good story by a bad manner, but this does not mend the +matter. It is surely rude to give a man to understand that you do not +consider him capable of finishing an anecdote that he has commenced. + +It is ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a long speech from +another person, and quite as rude to look at a watch, read a letter, +flirt the leaves of a book, or in any other action show that you are +tired of the speaker or his subject. + +In a general conversation, never speak when another person is speaking, +and never try by raising your own voice to drown that of another. Never +assume an air of haughtiness, or speak in a dictatorial manner; let your +conversation be always amiable and frank, free from every affectation. + +Put yourself on the same level as the person to whom you speak, and +under penalty of being considered a pedantic idiot, refraining from +explaining any expression or word that you may use. + +Never, unless you are requested to do so, speak of your own business or +profession in society; to confine your conversation entirely to the +subject or pursuit which is your own speciality is low-bred and vulgar. + +Make the subject for conversation suit the company in which you are +placed. Joyous, light conversation will be at times as much out of +place, as a sermon would be at a dancing party. Let your conversation be +grave or gay as suits the time or place. + +In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw from them. +You will surely make one enemy, perhaps two, by taking either side, in +an argument when the speakers have lost their temper. + +Never gesticulate in every day conversation, unless you wish to be +mistaken for a fifth rate comedian. + +Never ask any one who is conversing with you to repeat his words. +Nothing is ruder than to say, "Pardon me, will you repeat that +sentence--I did not hear you at first," and thus imply that your +attention was wandering when he first spoke. + +Never, during a general conversation, endeavor to concentrate the +attention wholly upon yourself. It is quite as rude to enter into +conversation with one of a group, and endeavor to draw him out of the +circle of general conversation to talk with you alone. + +Never listen to the conversation of two persons who have thus withdrawn +from a group. If they are so near you that you cannot avoid hearing +them, you may, with perfect propriety, change your seat. + +Make your own share in conversation as modest and brief as is consistent +with the subject under consideration, and avoid long speeches and +tedious stories. If, however, another, particularly an old man, tells a +long story, or one that is not new to you, listen respectfully until he +has finished, before you speak again. + +Speak of yourself but little. Your friends will find out your virtues +without forcing you to tell them, and you may feel confident that it is +equally unnecessary to expose your faults yourself. + +If you submit to flattery, you must also submit to the imputation of +folly and self-conceit. + +In speaking of your friends, do not compare them, one with another. +Speak of the merits of each one, but do not try to heighten the virtues +of one by contrasting them with the vices of another. + +No matter how absurd are the anecdotes that may be told in your +presence, you must never give any sign of incredulity. They may be true; +and even if false, good breeding forces you to hear them with polite +attention, and the appearance of belief. To show by word or sign any +token of incredulity, is to give the lie to the narrator, and that is an +unpardonable insult. + +Avoid, in conversation all subjects which can injure the absent. A +gentleman will never calumniate or listen to calumny. + +Need I say that no gentleman will ever soil his mouth with an oath. +Above all, to swear in a drawing-room or before ladies is not only +indelicate and vulgar in the extreme, but evinces a shocking ignorance +of the rules of polite society and good breeding. + +For a long time the world has adopted a certain form of speech which is +used in good society, and which changing often, is yet one of the +distinctive marks of a gentleman. A word or even a phrase which has been +used among the most refined circles, will, sometimes, by a sudden freak +of fashion, from being caricatured in a farce or song, or from some +other cause, go entirely out of use. Nothing but habitual intercourse +with people of refinement and education, and mingling in general +society, will teach a gentleman what words to use and what to avoid. Yet +there are some words which are now entirely out of place in a parlor. + +Avoid a declamatory style; some men, before speaking, will wave their +hands as if commanding silence, and, having succeeded in obtaining the +attention of the company, will speak in a tone, and style, perfectly +suitable for the theatre or lecture room, but entirely out of place in a +parlor. Such men entirely defeat the object of society, for they resent +interruption, and, as their talk flows in a constant stream, no one else +can speak without interrupting the pompous idiot who thus endeavors to +engross the entire attention of the circle around him. + +This character will be met with constantly, and generally joins to the +other disagreeable traits an egotism as tiresome as it is ill-bred. + +The wittiest man becomes tedious and ill-bred when he endeavors to +engross entirely the attention of the company in which he should take a +more modest part. + +Avoid set phrases, and use quotations but rarely. They sometimes make a +very piquant addition to conversation, but when they become a constant +habit, they are exceedingly tedious, and in bad taste. + +Avoid pedantry; it is a mark, not of intelligence, but stupidity. + +Speak your own language correctly; at the same time do not be too great +a stickler for formal correctness of phrases. + +Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. To notice by word +or look such errors in those around you, is excessively ill-bred. + +Vulgar language and slang, though in common, unfortunately too common +use, are unbecoming in any one who pretends to be a gentleman. Many of +the words heard now in the parlor and drawing-room, derive their origin +from sources which a gentleman would hesitate to mention before ladies, +yet he will make daily use of the offensive word or phrase. + +If you are a professional or scientific man, avoid the use of technical +terms. They are in bad taste, because many will not understand them. If, +however, you unconsciously use such a term or phrase, do not then commit +the still greater error of explaining its meaning. No one will thank you +for thus implying their ignorance. + +In conversing with a foreigner who speaks imperfect English, listen with +strict attention, yet do not supply a word, or phrase, if he hesitates. +Above all, do not by a word or gesture show impatience if he makes +pauses or blunders. If you understand his language, say so when you +first speak to him; this is not making a display of your own knowledge, +but is a kindness, as a foreigner will be pleased to hear and speak his +own language when in a strange country. + +Be careful in society never to play the part of buffoon, for you will +soon become known as the "funny" man of the party, and no character is +so perilous to your dignity as a gentleman. You lay yourself open to +both censure and ridicule, and you may feel sure that, for every person +who laughs with you, two are laughing at you, and for one who admires +you, two will watch your antics with secret contempt. + +Avoid boasting. To speak of your money, connections, or the luxuries at +your command is in very bad taste. It is quite as ill-bred to boast of +your intimacy with distinguished people. If their names occur naturally +in the course of conversation, it is very well; but to be constantly +quoting, "my friend, Gov. C----," or "my intimate friend, the +president," is pompous and in bad taste. + +While refusing the part of jester yourself, do not, by stiff manners, or +cold, contemptuous looks, endeavor to check the innocent mirth of +others. It is in excessively bad taste to drag in a grave subject of +conversation when pleasant, bantering talk is going on around you. Join +in pleasantly and forget your graver thoughts for the time, and you will +win more popularity than if you chill the merry circle or turn their +innocent gayety to grave discussions. + +When thrown into the society of literary people, do not question them +about their works. To speak in terms of admiration of any work to the +author is in bad taste; but you may give pleasure, if, by a quotation +from their writings, or a happy reference to them, you prove that you +have read and appreciated them. + +It is extremely rude and pedantic, when engaged in general conversation, +to make quotations in a foreign language. + +To use phrases which admit of a double meaning, is ungentlemanly, and, +if addressed to a lady, they become positively insulting. + +If you find you are becoming angry in a conversation, either turn to +another subject or keep silence. You may utter, in the heat of passion, +words which you would never use in a calmer moment, and which you would +bitterly repent when they were once said. + +"Never talk of ropes to a man whose father was hanged" is a vulgar but +popular proverb. Avoid carefully subjects which may be construed into +personalities, and keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, if +you can, seeing the skeleton in your friend's closet, but if it is +paraded for your special benefit, regard it as a sacred confidence, and +never betray your knowledge to a third party. + +If you have traveled, although you will endeavor to improve your mind in +such travel, do not be constantly speaking of your journeyings. Nothing +is more tiresome than a man who commences every phrase with, "When I was +in Paris," or, "In Italy I saw----." + +When asking questions about persons who are not known to you, in a +drawing-room, avoid using adjectives; or you may enquire of a mother, +"Who is that awkward, ugly girl?" and be answered, "Sir, that is my +daughter." + +Avoid gossip; in a woman it is detestable, but in a man it is utterly +despicable. + +Do not officiously offer assistance or advice in general society. Nobody +will thank you for it. + +Ridicule and practical joking are both marks of a vulgar mind and low +breeding. + +Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible in conversation, +but flattery is broad, coarse, and to sensible people, disgusting. If +you flatter your superiors, they will distrust you, thinking you have +some selfish end; if you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking +you have no other conversation. + +A lady of sense will feel more complimented if you converse with her +upon instructive, high subjects, than if you address to her only the +language of compliment. In the latter case she will conclude that you +consider her incapable of discussing higher subjects, and you cannot +expect her to be pleased at being considered merely a silly, vain +person, who must be flattered into good humor. + +Avoid the evil of giving utterance to inflated expressions and remarks +in common conversation. + +It is a somewhat ungrateful task to tell those who would shrink from the +imputation of a falsehood that they are in the daily habit of uttering +untruths; and yet, if I proceed, no other course than this can be taken +by me. It is of no use to adopt half measures; plain speaking saves a +deal of trouble. + +The examples about to be given by me of exaggerated expressions, are +only a few of the many that are constantly in use. Whether you can +acquit yourselves of the charge of occasionally using them, I cannot +tell; but I dare not affirm for myself that I am altogether guiltless. + +"I was caught in the wet last night, the rain came down in torrents." +Most of us have been out in heavy rains; but a torrent of water pouring +down from the skies would a little surprise us, after all. + +"I am wet to the skin, and have not a dry thread upon me." Where these +expressions are once used correctly, they are used twenty times in +opposition to the truth. + +"I tried to overtake him, but in vain; for he ran like lightning." The +celebrated racehorse Eclipse is said to have run a mile in a minute, but +poor Eclipse is left sadly behind by this expression. + +"He kept me standing out in the cold so long, I thought I should have +waited for ever." There is not a particle of probability that such a +thought could have been for one moment entertained. + +"As I came across the common, the wind was as keen as a razor." This is +certainly a very keen remark, but the worst of it is that its keenness +far exceeds its correctness. + +"I went to the meeting, but had hard work to get in; for the place was +crowded to suffocation." In this case, in justice to the veracity of the +relater, it is necessary to suppose that successful means had been used +for his recovery. + +"It must have been a fine sight; I would have given the world to have +seen it." Fond as most of us are of sight-seeing, this would be buying +pleasure at a dear price indeed; but it is an easy thing to proffer to +part with that which we do not possess. + +"It made me quite low spirited; my heart felt as heavy as lead." We most +of us know what a heavy heart is; but lead is by no means the most +correct metaphor to use in speaking of a heavy heart. + +"I could hardly find my way, for the night was as dark as pitch." I am +afraid we have all in our turn calumniated the sky in this manner; pitch +is many shades darker than the darkest night we have ever known. + +"I have told him of that fault fifty times over." Five times would, in +all probability, be much nearer the fact than fifty. + +"I never closed my eyes all night long." If this be true, you acted +unwisely; for had you closed your eyes, you might, perhaps, have fallen +asleep, and enjoyed the blessing of refreshing slumber; if it be not +true, you acted more unwisely still, by stating that as a fact which is +altogether untrue. + +"He is as tall as a church-spire." I have met with some tall fellows in +my time, though the spire of a church is somewhat taller than the +tallest of them. + +"You may buy a fish at the market as big as a jackass, for five +shillings." I certainly have my doubts about this matter; but if it be +really true, the market people must be jackasses indeed to sell such +large fishes for so little money. + +"He was so fat he could hardly come in at the door." Most likely the +difficulty here alluded to was never felt by any one but the relater; +supposing it to be otherwise, the man must have been very broad or the +door very narrow. + +"You don't say so!--why, it was enough to kill him!" The fact that it +did not kill him is a sufficient reply to this unfounded observation; +but no remark can be too absurd for an unbridled tongue. + +Thus might I run on for an hour, and after all leave much unsaid on the +subject of exaggerated expressions. We are hearing continually the +comparisons, "black as soot, white as snow, hot as fire, cold as ice, +sharp as a needle, dull as a door-nail, light as a feather, heavy as +lead, stiff as a poker, and crooked as a crab-tree," in cases where such +expressions are quite out of order. + +The practice of expressing ourselves in this inflated and thoughtless +way, is more mischievous than we are aware of. It certainly leads us to +sacrifice truth; to misrepresent what we mean faithfully to describe; to +whiten our own characters, and sometimes to blacken the reputation of a +neighbor. There is an uprightness in speech as well as in action, that +we ought to strive hard to attain. The purity of truth is sullied, and +the standard of integrity is lowered, by incorrect observations. Let us +reflect upon this matter freely and faithfully. Let us love truth, +follow truth, and practice truth in our thoughts, our words, and our +deeds. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +POLITENESS. + + +Real politeness is the outward expression of the most generous impulses +of the heart. It enforces unselfishness, benevolence, kindness, and the +golden rule, "Do unto others as you would others should do unto you." +Thus its first principle is love for the neighbor, loving him as +yourself. + +When in society it would often be exceedingly difficult to decide how to +treat those who are personally disagreeable to us, if it were not for +the rules of politeness, and the little formalities and points of +etiquette which these rules enforce. These evidences of polite breeding +do not prove hypocrisy, as you may treat your most bitter enemy with +perfect courtesy, and yet make no protestations of friendship. + +If politeness is but a mask, as many philosophers tell us, it is a mask +which will win love and admiration, and is better worn than cast aside. +If you wear it with the sincere desire to give pleasure to others, and +make all the little meetings of life pass off smoothly and agreeably, it +will soon cease to be a mask, but you will find that the manner which +you at first put on to give pleasure, has become natural to you, and +wherever you have assumed a virtue to please others, you will find the +virtue becoming habitual and finally natural, and part of yourself. + +Do not look upon the rules of etiquette as deceptions. They are just as +often vehicles for the expression of sincere feeling, as they are the +mask to conceal a want of it. + +You will in society meet with men who rail against politeness, and call +it deceit and hypocrisy. Watch these men when they have an object to +gain, or are desirous of making a favorable impression, and see them +tacitly, but unconsciously, admit the power of courtesy, by dropping for +the time, their uncouth ways, to affect the politeness, they oftentimes +do not feel. + +Pass over the defects of others, be prudent, discreet, at the proper +time reserved, yet at other times frank, and treat others with the same +gentle courtesy you would wish extended to yourself. + +True politeness never embarrasses any one, because its first object is +to put all at their ease, while it leaves to all perfect freedom of +action. You must meet rudeness from others by perfect politeness and +polish of manner on your own part, and you will thus shame those who +have been uncivil to you. You will more readily make them blush by your +courtesy, than if you met their rudeness by ill manners on your own +part. + +While a favor may be doubled in value, by a frankly courteous manner of +granting it, a refusal will lose half its bitterness if your manner +shows polite regret at your inability to oblige him who asks the favor +at your hand. + +Politeness may be extended to the lowest and meanest, and you will +never by thus extending it detract from your own dignity. A _gentleman_ +may and will treat his washerwoman with respect and courtesy, and his +boot-black with pleasant affability, yet preserve perfectly his own +position. To really merit the name of a polite, finished gentleman, you +must be polite at all times and under all circumstances. + +There is a difference between politeness and etiquette. Real politeness +is in-born, and may exist in the savage, while etiquette is the outward +expression of politeness reduced to the rules current in good society. + +A man may be polite, really so in heart, yet show in every movement an +ignorance of the rules of etiquette, and offend against the laws of +society. You may find him with his elbows upon the table, or tilting his +chair in a parlor. You may see him commit every hour gross breaches of +etiquette, yet you will never hear him intentionally utter one word to +wound another, you will see that he habitually endeavors to make others +comfortable, choosing for them the easiest seats, or the daintiest +dishes, and putting self entirely aside to contribute to the pleasure of +all around him. Such a man will learn, by contact with refined society, +that his ignorance of the rules which govern it, make him, at times, +disagreeable, and from the same unselfish motive which prompts him to +make a sacrifice of comfort for the sake of others, he will watch and +learn quickly, almost by instinct, where he offends against good +breeding, drop one by one his errors in etiquette, and become truly a +gentleman. + +On the other hand, you will meet constantly, in the best society, men +whose polish of manner is exquisite, who will perform to the minutest +point the niceties of good breeding, who never commit the least act that +is forbidden by the strictest rules of etiquette; yet under all this +mask of chivalry, gallantry, and politeness will carry a cold, selfish +heart; will, with a sweet smile, graceful bow, and elegant language, +wound deeply the feelings of others, and while passing in society for +models of courtesy and elegance of manner, be in feeling as cruel and +barbarous as the veriest savage. + +So I would say to you, Cultivate your heart. Cherish there the Christian +graces, love for the neighbor, unselfishness, charity, and gentleness, +and you will be truly a gentleman; add to these the graceful forms of +etiquette, and you then become a _perfect_ gentleman. + +Etiquette exists in every corner of the known world, from the savages in +the wilds of Africa, who dare not, upon penalty of death, approach their +barbarous rulers without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most +refined circles of Europe, where gentle chivalry and a cultivated mind +suggest its rules. It has existed in all ages, and the stringency of its +laws in some countries has given rise to both ludicrous and tragic +incidents. + +In countries where royalty rules the etiquette, it often happens that +pride will blind those who make the rules, and the results are often +fatal. Believing that the same deference which their rank authorized +them to demand, was also due to them as individuals, the result of such +an idea was an etiquette as vain and useless as it was absurd. + +For an example I will give an anecdote: + +"The kings of Spain, the proudest and vainest of all kings of the +earth, made a rule of etiquette as stupid as it was useless. It was a +fault punishable by death to touch the foot of the queen, and the +individual who thus offended, no matter under what circumstances, was +executed immediately. + +"A young queen of Spain, wife of Charles the Second, was riding on +horseback in the midst of her attendants. Suddenly the horse reared and +threw the queen from the saddle. Her foot remained in the stirrup, and +she was dragged along the ground. An immense crowd stood looking at this +spectacle, but no one dared, for his life, to attempt to rescue the poor +woman. She would have died, had not two young French officers, ignorant +of the stupid law which paralyzed the Spaniards, sprung forward and +saved her. One stopped the horse, and whilst he held the bridle, his +companion disengaged from its painful position the foot of the young +queen, who was, by this time, insensible from fear and the bruises which +she had already received. They were instantly arrested, and while the +queen was carried on a litter to the palace, her young champions were +marched off, accompanied by a strong guard, to prison. The next day, +sick and feeble, the queen was obliged to leave her bed, and on her +knees before the king, plead for the pardon of the two Frenchmen; and +her prayer was only granted upon condition that the audacious foreigners +left Spain immediately." + +There is no country in the world where the absurdities of etiquette are +carried to so great a length as in Spain, because there is no nation +where the nobility are so proud. The following anecdote, which +illustrates this, would seem incredible were it not a historical fact: + +"Philip the Third, king of Spain, was sick, and being able to sit up, +was carefully placed in an arm chair which stood opposite to a large +fire, when the wood was piled up to an enormous height. The heat soon +became intolerable, and the courtiers retired from around the king; but, +as the Duke D'Ussede, the fire stirrer for the king, was not present, +and as no one else had the right to touch the fire, those present dared +not attempt to diminish the heat. The grand chamberlain was also absent, +and he alone was authorized to touch the king's footstool. The poor +king, too ill to rise, in vain implored those around him to move his +chair, no one dared touch it, and when the grand chamberlain arrived, +the king had fainted with the heat, and a few days later he died, +literally roasted to death." + +At almost all times, and in almost all places, good breeding may be +shown; and we think a good service will be done by pointing out a few +plain and simple instances in which it stands opposed to habits and +manners, which, though improper and disagreeable, are not very uncommon. + +In the familiar intercourse of society, a well-bred _man_ will be known +by the delicacy and deference with which he behaves towards females. +That man would deservedly be looked upon as very deficient in proper +respect and feeling, who should take any physical advantage of one of +the weaker sex, or offer any personal slight towards her. Woman looks, +and properly looks, for protection to man. It is the province of the +husband to shield the wife from injury; of the father to protect the +daughter; the brother has the same duty to perform towards the sister; +and, in general, every man should, in this sense, be the champion and +the lover of every woman. Not only should he be ready to protect, but +desirous to please, and willing to sacrifice much of his own personal +ease and comfort, if, by doing so, he can increase those of any female +in whose company he may find himself. Putting these principles into +practice, a well-bred man, in his own house, will be kind and respectful +in his behaviour to every female of the family. He will not use towards +them harsh language, even if called upon to express dissatisfaction with +their conduct. In conversation, he will abstain from every allusion +which would put modesty to the blush. He will, as much as in his power, +lighten their labors by cheerful and voluntary assistance. He will yield +to them every little advantage which may occur in the regular routine of +domestic life:--the most comfortable seat, if there be a difference; the +warmest position by the winter's fireside; the nicest slice from the +family joint, and so on. + +In a public assembly of any kind, a well-bred man will pay regard to the +feelings and wishes of the females by whom he is surrounded. He will not +secure the best seat for himself, and leave the women folk to take care +of themselves. He will not be seated at all, if the meeting be crowded, +and a single female appear unaccommodated. + +Good breeding will keep a person from making loud and startling noises, +from pushing past another in entering or going out of a room; from +ostentatiously using a pocket-handkerchief; from hawking and spitting +in company; from fidgeting any part of the body; from scratching the +head, or picking the teeth with fork or with finger. In short, it will +direct all who study its rules to abstain from every personal act which +may give pain or offence to another's feelings. At the same time, it +will enable them to bear much without taking offence. It will teach them +when to speak and when to be silent, and how to behave with due respect +to all. By attention to the rules of good breeding, and more especially +to its leading principles, "the poorest man will be entitled to the +character of a gentleman, and by inattention to them, the most wealthy +person will be essentially vulgar. Vulgarity signifies coarseness or +indelicacy of manner, and is not necessarily associated with poverty or +lowliness of condition. Thus an operative artizan may be a gentleman, +and worthy of our particular esteem; while an opulent merchant may be +only a vulgar clown, with whom it is impossible to be on terms of +friendly intercourse." + +The following remarks upon the "Character of a Gentleman" by Brooke are +so admirable that I need make no apology for quoting them entire. He +says; "There is no term, in our language, more common than that of +'Gentleman;' and, whenever it is heard, all agree in the general idea of +a man some way elevated above the vulgar. Yet, perhaps, no two living +are precisely agreed respecting the qualities they think requisite for +constituting this character. When we hear the epithets of a 'fine +Gentleman,' 'a pretty Gentleman,' 'much of a Gentleman,' 'Gentlemanlike,' +'something of a Gentleman,' 'nothing of a Gentleman,' and so forth; all +these different appellations must intend a peculiarity annexed to the +ideas of those who express them; though no two of them, as I said, may +agree in the constituent qualities of the character they have formed in +their own mind. There have been ladies who deemed fashionable dress a +very capital ingredient in the composition of--a Gentleman. A certain +easy impudence acquired by low people, by casually being conversant in +high life, has passed a man current through many companies for--a +Gentleman. In taverns and brothels, he who is the most of a bully is the +most of--a Gentleman. And the highwayman, in his manner of taking your +purse, may however be allowed to have--much of the Gentleman. Plato, +among the philosophers, was 'the most of a man of fashion;' and therefore +allowed, at the court of Syracuse, to be--the most of a Gentleman. But +seriously, I apprehend that this character is pretty much upon the +modern. In all ancient or dead languages we have no term, any way +adequate, whereby we may express it. In the habits, manners, and +characters of old Sparta and old Rome, we find an antipathy to all the +elements of modern gentility. Among these rude and unpolished people, +you read of philosophers, of orators, of patriots, heroes, and demigods; +but you never hear of any character so elegant as that of--a pretty +Gentleman. + +"When those nations, however, became refined into what their ancestors +would have called corruption; when luxury introduced, and fashion gave a +sanction to certain sciences, which Cynics would have branded with the +ill mannered appellations of drunkenness, gambling, cheating, lying, +&c.; the practitioners assumed the new title of Gentlemen, till such +Gentlemen became as plenteous as stars in the milky-way, and lost +distinction merely by the confluence of their lustre. Wherefore as the +said qualities were found to be of ready acquisition, and of easy +descent to the populace from their betters, ambition judged it necessary +to add further marks and criterions for severing the general herd from +the nobler species--of Gentlemen. + +"Accordingly, if the commonalty were observed to have a propensity to +religion, their superiors affected a disdain of such vulgar prejudices; +and a freedom that cast off the restraints of morality, and a courage +that spurned at the fear of a God, were accounted the distinguishing +characteristics--of a Gentleman. + +"If the populace, as in China, were industrious and ingenious, the +grandees, by the length of their nails and the cramping of their limbs, +gave evidence that true dignity was above labor and utility, and that to +be born to no end was the prerogative--of a Gentleman. + +"If the common sort, by their conduct, declared a respect for the +institutions of civil society and good government; their betters +despised such pusillanimous conformity, and the magistrates paid +becoming regard to the distinction, and allowed of the superior +liberties and privileges--of a Gentleman. + +"If the lower set show a sense of common honesty and common order; those +who would figure in the world, think it incumbent to demonstrate that +complaisance to inferiors, common manners, common equity, or any thing +common, is quite beneath the attention or sphere--of a Gentleman. + +"Now, as underlings are ever ambitious of imitating and usurping the +manners of their superiors; and as this state of mortality is incident +to perpetual change and revolution, it may happen, that when the +populace, by encroaching on the province of gentility, have arrived to +their _ne plus ultra_ of insolence, irreligion, &c.; the gentry, in +order to be again distinguished, may assume the station that their +inferiors had forsaken, and, however ridiculous the supposition may +appear at present, humanity, equity, utility, complaisance, and piety, +may in time come to be the distinguishing characteristics--of a +Gentleman. + +"It appears that the most general idea which people have formed of a +Gentleman, is that of a person of fortune above the vulgar, and +embellished by manners that are fashionable in high life. In this case, +fortune and fashion are the two constituent ingredients in the +composition of modern Gentlemen; for whatever the fashion may be, +whether moral or immoral, for or against reason, right or wrong, it is +equally the duty of a Gentleman to conform. And yet I apprehend, that +true gentility is altogether independent of fortune or fashion, of time, +customs, or opinions of any kind. The very same qualities that +constituted a gentleman, in the first age of the world, are permanently, +invariably, and indispensably necessary to the constitution of the same +character to the end of time. + +"Hector was the finest gentleman of whom we read in history, and Don +Quixote the finest gentleman we read of in romance; as was instanced +from the tenor of their principles and actions. + +"Some time after the battle of Cressy, Edward the Third of England, and +Edward the Black Prince, the more than heir of his father's renown, +pressed John King of France to indulge them with the pleasure of his +company at London. John was desirous of embracing the invitation, and +accordingly laid the proposal before his parliament at Paris. The +parliament objected, that the invitation had been made with an insidious +design of seizing his person, thereby to make the cheaper and easier +acquisition of the crown, to which Edward at that time pretended. But +John replied, with some warmth, that he was confident his brother +Edward, and more especially his young cousin, were too much of the +GENTLEMAN, to treat him in that manner. He did not say too much of the +king, of the hero, or of the saint, but too much of the GENTLEMAN to be +guilty of any baseness. + +"The sequel verified this opinion. At the battle of Poictiers King John +was made prisoner, and soon after conducted by the Black Prince to +England. The prince entered London in triumph, amid the throng and +acclamations of millions of the people. But then this rather appeared to +be the triumph of the French king than that of his conqueror. John was +seated on a proud steed, royally robed, and attended by a numerous and +gorgeous train of the British nobility; while his conqueror endeavored, +as much as possible, to disappear, and rode by his side in plain attire, +and degradingly seated on a little Irish hobby. + +"As Aristotle and the Critics derived their rules for epic poetry and +the sublime from a poem which Homer had written long before the rules +were formed, or laws established for the purpose: thus, from the +demeanor and innate principles of particular gentlemen, art has borrowed +and instituted the many modes of behaviour, which the world has adopted, +under the title of good manners. + +"One quality of a gentleman is that of charity to the poor; and this is +delicately instanced in the account which Don Quixote gives, to his fast +friend Sancho Pancha, of the valorous but yet more pious knight-errant +Saint Martin. On a day, said the Don, Saint Martin met a poor man half +naked, and taking his cloak from his shoulders, he divided, and gave him +the one half. Now, tell me at what time of the year this happened. Was I +a witness? quoth, Sancho; how the vengeance should I know in what year +or what time of the year it happened? Hadst thou Sancho, rejoined the +knight, anything within thee of the sentiment of Saint Martin, thou must +assuredly have known that this happened in winter; for, had it been +summer, Saint Martin would had given the whole cloak. + +"Another characteristic of the true gentleman, is a delicacy of +behaviour toward that sex whom nature has entitled to the protection, +and consequently entitled to the tenderness, of man. + +"The same gentleman-errant, entering into a wood on a summer's evening, +found himself entangled among nets of green thread that, here and there, +hung from tree to tree; and conceiving it some matter of purposed +conjuration, pushed valorously forward to break through the enchantment. +Hereupon some beautiful shepherdesses interposed with a cry, and +besought him to spare the implements of their innocent recreation. The +knight, surprised and charmed by the vision, replied,--Fair creatures! +my province is to protect, not to injure; to seek all means of service, +but never of offence, more especially to any of your sex and apparent +excellences. Your pretty nets take up but a small piece of favored +ground; but, did they inclose the world, I would seek out new worlds, +whereby I might win a passage, rather than break them. + +"Two very lovely but shamefaced girls had a cause, of some consequence, +depending at Westminster, that indispensably required their personal +appearance. They were relations of Sir Joseph Jeckel, and, on this +tremendous occasion, requested his company and countenance at the court. +Sir Joseph attended accordingly; and the cause being opened, the judge +demanded whether he was to entitle those ladies by the denomination of +spinsters. 'No, my Lord,' said Sir Joseph; 'they are lilies of the +valley, they toil not, neither do they spin, yet you see that no +monarch, in all his glory, was ever arrayed like one of these.' + +"Another very peculiar characteristic of a gentleman is, the giving +place and yielding to all with whom he has to do. Of this we have a +shining and affecting instance in Abraham, perhaps the most accomplished +character that may be found in history, whether sacred or profane. A +contention had arisen between the herdsmen of Abraham and the herdsmen +of his nephew, Lot, respecting the propriety of the pasture of the +lands wherein they dwelled, that could now scarce contain the abundance +of their cattle. And those servants, as is universally the case, had +respectively endeavored to kindle and inflame their masters with their +own passions. When Abraham, in consequence of this, perceived that the +countenance of Lot began to change toward him, he called, and generously +expostulated with him as followeth: 'Let there be no strife, I pray +thee, between me and thee, or between my herdsmen and thy herdsmen; for +we be brethren. If it be thy desire to separate thyself from me, is not +the whole land before thee? If thou wilt take the left hand, then will I +go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to +the left.' + +"Another capital quality of the true gentleman is, that of feeling +himself concerned and interested in others. Never was there so +benevolent, so affecting, so pathetic a piece of oratory exhibited upon +earth, as that of Abraham's pleading with God for averting the judgments +that then impended over Sodom. But the matter is already so generally +celebrated, that I am constrained to refer my reader to the passage at +full; since the smallest abridgment must deduct from its beauties, and +that nothing can be added to the excellences thereof. + +"Honor, again, is said, in Scripture, peculiarly to distinguish the +character of a gentleman; where it is written of Sechem, the son of +Hamor, 'that he was more honorable than all the house of his father.' + +"From hence it may be inferred, that human excellence, or human +amiableness, doth not so much consist in a freedom from frailty as in +our recovery from lapses, our detestation of our own transgressions, +and our desire of atoning, by all possible means, the injuries we have +done, and the offences we have given. Herein, therefore, may consist the +very singular distinction which the great apostle makes between his +estimation of a just and of a good man. 'For a just or righteous man,' +says he, 'one would grudge to die; but for a good man one would even +dare to die.' Here the just man is supposed to adhere strictly to the +rule of right or equity, and to exact from others the same measure that +he is satisfied to mete; but the good man, though occasionally he may +fall short of justice, has, properly speaking, no measure to his +benevolence, his general propensity is to give more than the due. The +just man condemns, and is desirous of punishing the transgressors of the +line prescribed to himself; but the good man, in the sense of his own +falls and failings, gives latitude, indulgence, and pardon to others; he +judges, he condemns no one save himself. The just man is a stream that +deviates not to the right or left from its appointed channel, neither is +swelled by the flood of passion above its banks; but the heart of the +good man, the man of honor, the gentleman, is as a lamp lighted by the +breath of GOD, and none save GOD himself can set limits to the efflux or +irradiations thereof. + +"Again, the gentleman never envies any superior excellence, but grows +himself more excellent, by being the admirer, promoter, and lover +thereof. Saul said to his son Jonathan, 'Thou son of the perverse, +rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse +to thine own confusion? For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the +ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom; wherefore send +and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.' Here every interesting +motive that can possibly be conceived to have an influence on man, +united to urge Jonathan to the destruction of David; he would thereby +have obeyed his king, and pacified a father who was enraged against him. +He would thereby have removed the only luminary that then eclipsed the +brightness of his own achievements. And he saw, as his father said, that +the death of David alone could establish the kingdom in himself and his +posterity. But all those considerations were of no avail to make +Jonathan swerve from honor, to slacken the bands of his faith, or cool +the warmth of his friendship. O Jonathan! the sacrifice which thou then +madest to virtue, was incomparably more illustrious in the sight of God +and his angels than all the subsequent glories to which David attained. +What a crown was thine, 'Jonathan, when thou wast slain in thy high +places!' + +"Saul of Tarsus had been a man of bigotry, blood, and violence; making +havoc, and breathing out threatenings and slaughter, against all who +were not of his own sect and persuasion. But, when the spirit of that +INFANT, who laid himself in the manger of human flesh, came upon him, he +acquired a new heart and a new nature; and he offered himself a willing +subject to all the sufferings and persecutions which he had brought upon +others. + +"Saul from that time, exemplified in his own person, all those qualities +of the gentleman, which he afterwards specifies in his celebrated +description of that charity, which, as he says, alone endureth forever. +When Festus cried with a loud voice, 'Paul, thou art beside thyself, +much learning doth make thee mad;' Paul stretched the hand, and +answered, 'I am not mad, most noble Festus, but speak forth the words of +truth and soberness. For the king knoweth of these things, before whom +also I speak freely; for I am persuaded that none of these things are +hidden from him. King Agrippa, believest thou the prophets? I know that +thou believest.' Then Agrippa said unto Paul, 'Almost thou persuadest me +to be a Christian.' And Paul said, 'I would to God that not only thou, +but also all that hear me this day, were not only almost but altogether +such as I am,--except these bonds.' Here, with what an inimitable +elegance did this man, in his own person, at once sum up the orator, the +saint, and the gentleman! + +"From these instances, my friend, you must have seen that the character, +or rather quality of a GENTLEMAN, does not, in any degree, depend on +fashion or mode, on station or opinion; neither changes with customs, +climate, or ages. But, as the Spirit of God can alone inspire it into +man, so it is, as God is the same, yesterday, to-day, and forever." + +In concluding this chapter I would say: + +"In the common actions and transactions of life, there is a wide +distinction between the well-bred and the ill-bred. If a person of the +latter sort be in a superior condition in life, his conduct towards +those below him, or dependent upon him, is marked by haughtiness, or by +unmannerly condescension. In the company of his equals in station and +circumstances, an ill-bred man is either captious and quarrelsome, or +offensively familiar. He does not consider that: + + 'The man who hails you Tom or Jack, + And proves, by thumps upon your back, + How he esteems your merit, + Is such a friend, that one had need + Be very much a friend indeed, + To pardon or to bear it.' + +"And if a man void of good breeding have to transact business with a +superior in wealth or situation, it is more than likely that he will be +needlessly humble, unintentionally insolent, or, at any rate, miserably +embarrassed. On the contrary, a well-bred person will instinctively +avoid all these errors. 'To inferiors, he will speak kindly and +considerately, so as to relieve them from any feeling of being beneath +him in circumstances. To equals, he will be plain, unaffected, and +courteous. To superiors, he will know how to show becoming respect, +without descending to subserviency or meanness. In short, he will act a +manly, inoffensive, and agreeable part, in all the situations in life in +which he may be placed.'" + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +TABLE ETIQUETTE. + + +It may seem a very simple thing to eat your meals, yet there is no +occasion upon which the gentleman, and the low-bred, vulgar man are more +strongly contrasted, than when at the table. The rules I shall give for +table etiquette when in company will apply equally well for the home +circle, with the exception of some few points, readily discernible, +which may be omitted at your own table. + +A well-bred man, receiving an invitation to dine with a friend should +reply to it immediately, whether he accepts or declines it. + +He should be punctual to the hour named in the invitation, five or ten +minutes earlier if convenient, but not one instant later. He must never, +unless he has previously asked permission to do so, take with him any +friend not named in his invitation. His host and hostess have the +privilege of inviting whom they will, and it is an impertinence to force +them to extend their hospitality, as they must do if you introduce a +friend at their own house. + +Speak, on entering the parlor of your friend, first to the hostess, then +to the host. + +When dinner is announced, the host or hostess will give the signal for +leaving the drawing-room, and you will probably be requested to escort +one of the ladies to the table. Offer to her your left arm, and at the +table wait until she is seated, indeed wait until every lady is seated, +before taking your own place. + +In leaving the parlor you will pass out first, and the lady will follow +you, still holding your arm. At the door of the dining-room, the lady +will drop your arm. Pass in, then wait on one side of the entrance till +she passes you, to her place at the table. + +If there are no ladies, you may go to the table with any gentleman who +stands near you, or with whom you may be conversing when dinner is +announced. If your companion is older than yourself, extend to him the +same courtesy which you would use towards a lady. + +There are a thousand little points to be observed in your conduct at +table which, while they are not absolutely necessary, are yet +distinctive marks of a well-bred man. + +If, when at home, you practice habitually the courtesies of the table, +they will sit upon you easily when abroad; but if you neglect them at +home, you will use them awkwardly when in company, and you will find +yourself recognized as a man who has "company manners," only when +abroad. + +I have seen men who eat soup, or chewed their food, in so noisy a manner +as to be heard from one end of the table to the other; fill their mouths +so full of food, as to threaten suffocation or choking; use their own +knife for the butter, and salt; put their fingers in the sugar bowl; and +commit other faults quite as monstrous, yet seem perfectly unconscious +that they were doing anything to attract attention. + +Try to sit easily and gracefully, but at the same time avoid crowding +those beside you. + +Far from eating with avidity of whatever delicacies which may be upon +the table, and which are often served in small quantities, partake of +them but sparingly, and decline them when offered the second time. + +Many men at their own table have little peculiar notions, which a guest +does well to respect. Some will feel hurt, even offended, if you decline +a dish which they recommend; while others expect you to eat enormously, +as if they feared you did not appreciate their hospitality unless you +tasted of every dish upon the table. Try to pay respect to such whims at +the table of others, but avoid having any such notions when presiding +over your own board. + +Observe a strict sobriety; never drink of more than one kind of wine, +and partake of that sparingly. + +The style of serving dinner is different at different houses; if there +are many servants they will bring you your plate filled, and you must +keep it. If you have the care of a lady, see that she has what she +desires, before you give your own order to the waiter; but if there are +but few domestics, and the dishes are upon the table, you may with +perfect propriety help those near you, from any dish within your reach. + +If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, especially if you +have chosen the food upon it, for others have also a choice, and by +passing it, you may give your neighbor dishes distasteful to him, and +take yourself those which he would much prefer. + +If in the leaves of your salad, or in a plate of fruit you find a worm +or insect, pass your plate to the waiter, without any comment, and he +will bring you another. + +Be careful to avoid the extremes of gluttony or over daintiness at +table. To eat enormously is disgusting; but if you eat too sparingly, +your host may think that you despise his fare. + +Watch that the lady whom you escorted to the table is well helped. Lift +and change her plate for her, pass her bread, salt, and butter, give her +orders to the waiter, and pay her every attention in your power. + +Before taking your place at table, wait until your place is pointed out +to you, unless there are cards bearing the names of the guests upon the +plates; in the latter case, take the place thus marked for you. + +Put your napkin upon your lap, covering your knees. It is out of date, +and now looked upon as a vulgar habit to put your napkin up over your +breast. + +Sit neither too near nor too far from the table. Never hitch up your +coat-sleeves or wristbands as if you were going to wash your hands. Some +men do this habitually, but it is a sign of very bad breeding. + +Never tip your chair, or lounge back in it during dinner. + +All gesticulations are out of place, and in bad taste at the table. +Avoid making them. + +Converse in a low tone to your neighbor, yet not with any air of secresy +if others are engaged in _tte--tte_ conversation; if, however, the +conversation is general, avoid conversing _tte--tte_. Do not raise +your voice too much; if you cannot make those at some distance from you +hear you when speaking in a moderate tone, confine your remarks to those +near you. + +If you wish for a knife, plate, or anything from the side table, never +address those in attendance as "Waiter!" as you would at a hotel or +_restaurant_, but call one of them by name; if you cannot do this, make +him a sign without speaking. + +Unless you are requested to do so, never select any particular part of a +dish; but, if your host asks you what part you prefer, name some part, +as in this case the incivility would consist in making your host choose +as well as carve for you. + +Never blow your soup if it is too hot, but wait until it cools. Never +raise your plate to your lips, but eat with your spoon. + +Never touch either your knife or your fork until after you have finished +eating your soup. Leave your spoon in your soup plate, that the servant +may remove them both. Never take soup twice. + +In changing your plate, or passing it during dinner, remove your knife +and fork, that the plate _alone_ may be taken, but after you have +finished your dinner, cross the knife and fork on the plate, that the +servant may take all away, before bringing you clean ones for dessert. + +Do not bite your bread from the roll or slice, nor cut it with your +knife; break off small pieces and put these in your mouth with your +fingers. + +At dinner do not put butter on your bread. Never dip a piece of bread +into the gravy or preserves upon your plate and then bite it, but if +you wish to eat them together, break the bread into small pieces, and +carry these to your mouth with your fork. + +Use always the salt-spoon, sugar-tongs, and butter knife; to use your +own knife, spoon, or fingers, evinces a shocking want of good-breeding. + +Never criticize any dish before you. + +If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no remarks about +it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain at a table how one article +makes you sick, or why some other dish has become distasteful to you. I +have seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, +because one of the company told a most disgusting anecdote about finding +vermin served in a similar dish. No wit in the narration can excuse so +palpably an error of politeness. + +Never put bones, or the seeds of fruit upon the tablecloth. Put them +upon the edge of your plate. + +Never use your knife for any purpose but to _cut_ your food. It is not +meant to be put in your mouth. Your fork is intended to carry the food +from your plate to your mouth, and no gentleman ever eats with his +knife. + +If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too well-done, do not +eat it; give for an excuse that you prefer some other dish before you; +but never tell your host that his cook has made the dish uneatable. + +Never speak when you have anything in your mouth. Never pile the food on +your plate as if you were starving, but take a little at a time; the +dishes will not run away. + +Never use your own knife and fork to help either yourself or others. +There is always one before the dish at every well-served table, and you +should use that. + +It is a good plan to accustom yourself to using your fork with the left +hand, when eating, as you thus avoid the awkwardness of constantly +passing the fork from your left hand to your right, and back again, when +cutting your food and eating it. + +Never put fruit or bon-bons in your pocket to carry them from the table. + +Do not cut fruit with a steel knife. Use a silver one. + +Never eat so fast as to hurry the others at the table, nor so slowly as +to keep them waiting. + +If you do not take wine, never keep the bottle standing before you, but +pass it on. If you do take it, pass it on as soon as you have filled +your glass. + +If you wish to remove a fish bone or fruit seed from your mouth, cover +your lips with your hand or napkin, that others may not see you remove +it. + +If you wish to use your handkerchief, and have not time to leave the +table, turn your head away, and as quickly as possible put the +handkerchief in your pocket again. + +Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing is more ill-bred than +to grease your glass with your lips. + +If you are invited to drink with a friend, and do not drink wine, bow, +raise your glass of water and drink with him. + +Do not propose to take wine with your host; it is his privilege to +invite you. + +Do not put your glass upside down on the table to signify that you do +not wish to drink any more; it is sufficient to refuse firmly. Do not be +persuaded to touch another drop of wine after your own prudence warns +you that you have taken enough. + +Avoid any air of mystery when speaking to those next you; it is ill-bred +and in excessively bad taste. + +If you wish to speak of any one, or to any one at the table, call them +by name, but never point or make a signal when at table. + +When taking coffee, never pour it into your saucer, but let it cool in +the cup, and drink from that. + +If at a gentleman's party, never ask any one to sing or tell a story; +your host alone has the right thus to call upon his guests. + +If invited yourself to sing, and you feel sufficiently sure that you +will give pleasure, comply immediately with the request. + +If, however, you refuse, remain firm in your refusal, as to yield after +once refusing is a breach of etiquette. + +When the finger-glasses are passed, dip your fingers into them and then +wipe them upon your napkin. + +Never leave the table till the mistress of the house gives the signal. + +On leaving the table put your napkin on the table, but do not fold it. + +Offer your arm to the lady whom you escorted to the table. + +It is excessively rude to leave the house as soon as dinner is over. +Respect to your hostess obliges you to stay in the drawing-room at least +an hour. + +If the ladies withdraw, leaving the gentlemen, after dinner, rise when +they leave the table, and remain standing until they have left the room. + +I give, from a recent English work, some humorously written directions +for table etiquette, and, although they are some of them repetitions of +what I have already given, they will be found to contain many useful +hints: + +"We now come to habits at table, which are very important. However +agreeable a man may be in society, if he offends or disgusts by his +table traits, he will soon be scouted from it, and justly so. There are +some broad rules for behavior at table. Whenever there is a servant to +help you, never help yourself. Never put a knife into your mouth, not +even with cheese, which should be eaten with a fork. Never use a spoon +for anything but liquids. Never touch anything edible with your fingers. + +"Forks were, undoubtedly, a later invention than fingers, but, as we are +not cannibals, I am inclined to think they were a good one. There are +some few things which you may take up with your fingers. Thus an epicure +will eat even macaroni with his fingers; and as sucking asparagus is +more pleasant than chewing it, you may, as an epicure, take it up _au +naturel_. But both these things are generally eaten with a fork. Bread +is, of course, eaten with the fingers, and it would be absurd to carve +it with your knife and fork. It must, on the contrary, always be broken +when not buttered, and you should never put a slice of dry bread to your +mouth to bite a piece off. Most fresh fruit, too, is eaten with the +natural prongs, but when you have peeled an orange or apple, you should +cut it with the aid of the fork, unless you can succeed in breaking it. +Apropos of which, I may hint that no epicure ever yet put a knife to an +apple, and that an orange should be peeled with a spoon. But the art of +peeling an orange so as to hold its own juice, and its own sugar too, is +one that can scarcely be taught in a book. + +"However, let us go to dinner, and I will soon tell you whether you are +a well-bred man or not; and here let me premise that what is good +manners for a small dinner is good manners for a large one, and _vice +vers_. Now, the first thing you do is to sit down. Stop, sir! pray do +not cram yourself into the table in that way; no, nor sit a yard from +it, like that. How graceless, inconvenient, and in the way of +conversation! Why, dear me! you are positively putting your elbows on +the table, and now you have got your hands fumbling about with the +spoons and forks, and now you are nearly knocking my new hock glasses +over. Can't you take your hands down, sir? Didn't you learn that in the +nursery? Didn't your mamma say to you, 'Never put your hands above the +table except to carve or eat?' Oh! but come, no nonsense, sit up, if you +please. I can't have your fine head of hair forming a side dish on my +table; you must not bury your face in the plate, you came to show it, +and it ought to be alive. Well, but there is no occasion to throw your +head back like that, you look like an alderman, sir, _after_ dinner. +Pray, don't lounge in that sleepy way. You are here to eat, drink, and +be merry. You can sleep when you get home. + +"Well, then, I suppose you can see your napkin. Got none, indeed! Very +likely, in _my_ house. You may be sure that I never sit down to a meal +without napkins. I don't want to make my tablecloths unfit for use, and +I don't want to make my trousers unwearable. Well, now, we are all +seated, you can unfold it on your knees; no, no; don't tuck it into your +waistcoat like an alderman; and what! what on earth do you mean by +wiping your forehead with it? Do you take it for a towel? Well, never +mind, I am consoled that you did not go farther, and use it as a +pocket-handkerchief. So talk away to the lady on your right, and wait +till soup is handed to you. By the way, that waiting is the most +important part of table manners, and, as much as possible, you should +avoid asking for anything or helping yourself from the table. Your soup +you eat with a spoon--I don't know what else you _could_ eat it +with--but then it must be one of good size. Yes, that will do, but I beg +you will not make that odious noise in drinking your soup. It is louder +than a dog lapping water, and a cat would be quite genteel to it. Then +you need not scrape up the plate in that way, nor even tilt it to get +the last drop. I shall be happy to send you some more; but I must just +remark, that it is not the custom to take two helpings of soup, and it +is liable to keep other people waiting, which, once for all, is a +selfish and intolerable habit. But don't you hear the servant offering +you sherry? I wish you would attend, for my servants have quite enough +to do, and can't wait all the evening while you finish that very mild +story to Miss Goggles. Come, leave that decanter alone. I had the wine +put on the table to fill up; the servants will hand it directly, or, as +we are a small party, I will tell you to help yourself; but, pray, do +not be so officious. (There, I have sent him some turbot to keep him +quiet. I declare he cannot make up his mind.) You are keeping my servant +again, sir. Will you, or will you not, do turbot? Don't examine it in +that way; it is quite fresh, I assure you; take or decline it. Ah, you +take it, but that is no reason why you should take up a knife too. Fish, +I repeat must never be touched with a knife. Take a fork in the right +and a small piece of bread in the left hand. Good, but--? Oh! that is +atrocious; of course you must not swallow the bones, but you should +rather do so than spit them out in that way. Put up your napkin like +this, and land the said bone on your plate. Don't rub your head in the +sauce, my good man, nor go progging about after the shrimps or oysters +therein. Oh! how horrid! I declare your mouth was wide open and full of +fish. Small pieces, I beseech you; and once for all, whatever you eat, +keep your mouth _shut_, and never attempt to talk with it full. + +"So now you have got a pt. Surely you are not taking two on your +plate. There is plenty of dinner to come, and one is quite enough. Oh! +dear me, you are incorrigible. What! a knife to cut that light, brittle +pastry? No, nor fingers, never. Nor a spoon--almost as bad. Take your +fork, sir, your fork; and, now you have eaten, oblige me by wiping your +mouth and moustache with your napkin, for there is a bit of the pastry +hanging to the latter, and looking very disagreeable. Well, you can +refuse a dish if you like. There is no positive necessity for you to +take venison if you don't want it. But, at any rate, do not be in that +terrific hurry. You are not going off by the next train. Wait for the +sauce and wait for vegetables; but whether you eat them or not, do not +begin before everybody else. Surely you must take my table for that of a +railway refreshment-room, for you have finished before the person I +helped first. Fast eating is bad for the digestion, my good sir, and not +very good manners either. What! are you trying to eat meat with a fork +alone? Oh! it is sweetbread, I beg your pardon, you are quite right. Let +me give you a rule,--Everything that can be cut without a knife, should +be cut with a fork alone. Eat your vegetables, therefore, with a fork. +No, there is no necessity to take a spoon for peas; a fork in the right +hand will do. What! did I really see you put your knife into your mouth? +Then I must give you up. Once for all, and ever, the knife is to cut, +not to help with. Pray, do not munch in that noisy manner; chew your +food well, but softly. _Eat slowly._ Have you not heard that Napoleon +lost the battle of Leipsic by eating too fast? It is a fact though. His +haste caused indigestion, which made him incapable of attending to the +details of the battle. You see you are the last person eating at table. +Sir, I will not allow you to speak to my servants in that way. If they +are so remiss as to oblige you to ask for anything, do it gently, and in +a low tone, and thank a servant just as much as you would his master. +Ten to one he is as good a man; and because he is your inferior in +position, is the very reason you should treat him courteously. Oh! it is +of no use to ask me to take wine; far from pacifying me, it will only +make me more angry, for I tell you the custom is quite gone out, except +in a few country villages, and at a mess-table. Nor need you ask the +lady to do so. However, there is this consolation, if you should ask any +one to take wine with you, he or she _cannot_ refuse, so you have your +own way. Perhaps next you will be asking me to hob and nob, or +_trinquer_ in the French fashion with arms encircled. Ah! you don't +know, perhaps, that when a lady _trinques_ in that way with you, you +have a right to finish off with a kiss. Very likely, indeed! But it is +the custom in familiar circles in France, but then we are not Frenchmen. +_Will_ you attend to your lady, sir? You did not come merely to eat, but +to make yourself agreeable. Don't sit as glum as the Memnon at Thebes; +talk and be pleasant. Now, you have some pudding. No knife--no, _no_. A +spoon if you like, but better still, a fork. Yes, ice requires a spoon; +there is a small one handed you, take that. + +"Say 'no.' This is the fourth time wine has been handed to you, and I am +sure you have had enough. Decline this time if you please. Decline that +dish too. Are you going to eat of everything that is handed? I pity you +if you do. No, you must not ask for more cheese, and you must eat it +with your fork. Break the rusk with your fingers. Good. You are drinking +a glass of old port. Do not quaff it down at a gulp in that way. Never +drink a whole glassful of anything at once. + +"Well, here is the wine and dessert. Take whichever wine you like, but +remember you must keep to that, and not change about. Before you go up +stairs I will allow you a glass of sherry after your claret, but +otherwise drink of one wine only. You don't mean to say you are helping +yourself to wine before the ladies. At least, offer it to the one next +to you, and then pass it on, gently, not with a push like that. Do not +drink so fast; you will hurry me in passing the decanters, if I see that +your glass is empty. You need not eat dessert till the ladies are gone, +but offer them whatever is nearest to you. And now they are gone, draw +your chair near mine, and I will try and talk more pleasantly to you. +You will come out admirably at your next dinner with all my teaching. +What! you are excited, you are talking loud to the colonel. Nonsense. +Come and talk easily to me or to your nearest neighbor. There, don't +drink any more wine, for I see you are getting romantic. You oblige me +to make a move. You have had enough of those walnuts; you are keeping +me, my dear sir. So now to coffee [one cup] and tea, which I beg you +will not pour into your saucer to cool. Well, the dinner has done you +good, and me too. Let us be amiable to the ladies, but not too much so." + +"_Champ, champ; Smack, smack; Smack, smack; Champ, champ;_--It is one +thing to know how to make a pudding, and another to know how to eat it +when made. Unmerciful and monstrous are the noises with which some +persons accompany the eating--no, the devouring of the food for which, +we trust, they are thankful. To sit down with a company of such +masticators is like joining 'a herd of swine feeding.' Soberly, at no +time, probably, are the rules of good breeding less regarded than at +'feeding time,' and at no place is a departure from these rules more +noticeable than at table. Some persons gnaw at a crust as dogs gnaw a +bone, rattle knives and spoons against their teeth as though anxious to +prove which is the harder, and scrape their plates with an energy and +perseverance which would be very commendable if bestowed upon any object +worth the trouble. Others, in defiance of the old nursery rhyme-- + + 'I must not dip, howe'er I wish, + My spoon or finger in the dish;' + +are perpetually helping themselves in this very straightforward and +unsophisticated manner. Another, with a mouth full of food contrives to +make his teeth and tongue perform the double duty of chewing and talking +at the same time. Another, quite in military style, in the intervals of +cramming, makes his knife and fork keep guard over the jealously watched +plate, being held upright on either side in the clenched fist, like the +musket of a raw recruit. And another, as often as leisure serves, +fidgets his plate from left to right, and from right to left, or round +and round, until the painful operation of feeding is over. + +"There is, we know, such a thing as being 'too nice'--'more nice than +wise.' It is quite possible to be fastidious. But there are also such +inconsiderable matters as decency and good order; and it surely is +better to err on the right than on the wrong side of good breeding." + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. + + +A gentleman will be always polite, in the parlor, dining-room, and in +the street. This last clause will especially include courtesy towards +ladies, no matter what may be their age or position. A man who will +annoy or insult a woman in the street, lowers himself to a brute, no +matter whether he offends by look, word, or gesture. There are several +little forms of etiquette, given below, the observance of which will +mark the gentleman in the street. + +When walking with a lady, or with a gentleman who is older than +yourself, give them the upper side of the pavement, that is, the side +nearest the house. + +When walking alone, and you see any one coming towards you on the same +side of the street, give the upper part of the pavement, as you turn +aside, to a man who may carry a heavy bundle, to a priest or clergyman, +to a woman, or to any elderly person. + +In a crowd never rudely push aside those who impede your progress, but +wait patiently until the way is clear. If you are hurried by business of +importance or an engagement, you will find that a few courteous words +will open the way before you more quickly than the most violent pushing +and loud talking. + +If obliged to cross a plank, or narrow path, let any lady or old person +who may also be passing, precede you. In case the way is slippery or in +any way unsafe, you may, with perfect propriety, offer to assist either +a lady or elderly person in crossing it. + +Do not smoke in the street until after dark, and then remove your cigar +from your mouth, if you meet a lady. + +Be careful about your dress. You can never know whom you may meet, so it +is best to never leave the house otherwise than well-dressed. Bright +colors, and much jewelry are both unbecoming to a gentleman in the +street. + +Avoid touching any one with your elbows in passing, and do not swing +your arms as you walk. + +Be careful when walking with or near a lady, not to put your foot upon +her dress. + +In carrying an umbrella, hold it so that you can see the way clear +before you; avoid striking your umbrella against those which pass you; +if you are walking with a lady, let the umbrella cover her perfectly, +but hold it so that you will not touch her bonnet. If you have the care +of two ladies, let them carry the umbrella between them, and walk +outside yourself. Nothing can be more absurd than for a gentleman to +walk between two ladies, holding the umbrella himself; while, in this +way, he is perfectly protected, the ladies receive upon their dresses +and cloaks the little streams of water which run from the points of the +umbrella. + +In case of a sudden fall of rain, you may, with perfect propriety, +offer your umbrella to a lady who is unprovided with one. If she accepts +it, and asks your address to return it, leave it with her; if she +hesitates, and does not wish to deprive you of the use of it, you may +offer to accompany her to her destination, and then, do not open a +conversation; let your manner be respectful, and when you leave her, let +her thank you, assure her of the pleasure it has given you to be of +service, bow, and leave her. + +In meeting a lady friend, wait for her to bow to you, and in returning +her salutation, remove your hat. To a gentleman you may bow, merely +touching your hat, if he is alone or with another gentleman; but if he +has a lady with him, raise your hat in bowing to him. If you stop to +speak to a lady, hold your hat in your hand, until she leaves you, +unless she requests you to replace it. With a gentleman you may replace +it immediately. + +Never join a lady whom you may meet, without first asking her permission +to do so. + +If you stop to converse with any one in the street, stand near the +houses, that you may not interfere with others who are passing. + +You may bow to a lady who is seated at a window, if you are in the +street; but you must not bow from a window to a lady in the street. + +Do not stop to join a crowd who are collected round a street show, or +street merchant, unless you wish to pass for a countryman taking a +holiday in the city. + +If you stop any one to enquire your own way, or if you are called upon +to direct another, remove your hat while asking or answering the +question. + +If you see a lady leaving a carriage unattended, or hesitating at a bad +crossing, you may, with propriety, offer your hand or arm to assist her, +and having seen her safely upon the pavement, bow, and pass on. + +In a car or omnibus, when a lady wishes to get out, stop the car for +her, pass up her fare, and in an omnibus alight and assist her in +getting out, bowing as you leave her. + +Be gentle, courteous, and kind to children. There is no surer token of a +low, vulgar mind, than unkindness to little ones whom you may meet in +the streets. + +A true gentleman never stops to consider what may be the position of any +woman whom it is in his power to aid in the street. He will assist an +Irish washerwoman with her large basket or bundle over a crossing, or +carry over the little charges of a distressed negro nurse, with the same +gentle courtesy which he would extend toward the lady who was stepping +from her private carriage. The true spirit of chivalry makes the +courtesy due to the sex, not to the position of the individual. + +When you are escorting a lady in the street, politeness does not +absolutely require you to carry her bundle or parasol, but if you are +gallant you will do so. You must regulate your walk by hers, and not +force her to keep up with your ordinary pace. + +Watch that you do not lead her into any bad places, and assist her +carefully over each crossing, or wet place on the pavement. + +If you are walking in the country, and pass any streamlet, offer your +hand to assist your companion in crossing. + +If you pass over a fence, and she refuses your assistance in crossing +it, walk forward, and do not look back, until she joins you again. The +best way to assist a lady over a fence, is to stand yourself upon the +upper rail, and while using one hand to keep a steady position, stoop, +offer her the other, and with a firm, steady grasp, hold her hand until +she stands beside you; then let her go down on the other side first, and +follow her when she is safe upon the ground. + +In starting for a walk with a lady, unless she is a stranger in the +place towards whom you act as guide, let her select your destination. + +Where there are several ladies, and you are required to escort one of +them, select the elderly, or those whose personal appearance will +probably make them least likely to be sought by others. You will +probably be repaid by finding them very intelligent, and with a fund of +conversation. If there are more ladies than gentlemen, you may offer an +arm to two, with some jest about the difficulty of choosing, or the +double honor you enjoy. + +Offer your seat in any public conveyance, to a lady who is standing. It +is often quite as great a kindness and mark of courtesy to take a child +in your lap. + +When with a lady you must pay her expenses as well as your own; if she +offers to share the expense, decline unless she insists upon it, in the +latter case yield gracefully. Many ladies, who have no brother or +father, and are dependent upon their gentlemen friends for escort, make +it a rule to be under no pecuniary obligations to them, and you will, +in such a case, offend more by insisting upon your right to take that +expense, than by quietly pocketing your dignity and their cash together. + +I know many gentlemen will cry out at my assertion; but I have observed +this matter, and know many _ladies_ who will sincerely agree with me in +my opinion. + +In a carriage always give the back seat to the lady or ladies +accompanying you. If you have but one lady with you, take the seat +opposite to her, unless she invites you to sit beside her, in which case +accept her offer. + +Never put your arm across the seat, or around her, as many do in riding. +It is an impertinence, and if she is a lady of refinement, she will +resent it as such. + +If you offer a seat in your carriage to a lady, or another gentleman +whom you may meet at a party or picnic, take them home, before you drive +to your own destination, no matter how much you may have to drive out of +your own way. + +Be the last to enter the carriage, the first to leave it. If you have +ladies with you, offer them your hand to assist them in entering and +alighting, and you should take the arm of an old gentleman to assist +him. + +If offered a seat in the carriage of a gentleman friend, stand aside for +him to get in first, but if he waits for you, bow and take your seat +before he does. + +When driving a lady in a two-seated vehicle, you should assist her to +enter the carriage, see that her dress is not in danger of touching the +wheels, and that her shawl, parasol, and fan, are where she can reach +them, before you take your own seat. If she wishes to stop, and you +remain with the horses, you should alight before she does, assist her +in alighting, and again alight to help her to her seat when she returns, +even if you keep your place on the seat whilst she is gone. + +When attending a lady in a horse-back ride, never mount your horse until +she is ready to start. Give her your hand to assist her in mounting, +arrange the folds of her habit, hand her her reins and her whip, and +then take your own seat on your saddle. + +Let her pace be yours. Start when she does, and let her decide how fast +or slowly she will ride. Never let the head of your horse pass the +shoulders of hers, and be watchful and ready to render her any +assistance she may require. + +Never, by rapid riding, force her to ride faster than she may desire. + +Never touch her bridle, reins, or whip, except she particularly requests +your assistance, or an accident, or threatened danger, makes it +necessary. + +If there is dust or wind, ride so as to protect her from it as far as +possible. + +If the road is muddy be careful that you do not ride so as to bespatter +her habit. It is best to ride on the side away from that upon which her +habit falls. Some ladies change their side in riding, from time to time, +and you must watch and see upon which side the skirt falls, that, on a +muddy day, you may avoid favoring the habit with the mud your horse's +hoofs throw up. + +If you ride with a gentleman older than yourself, or one who claims your +respect, let him mount before you do. Extend the same courtesy towards +any gentleman whom you have invited to accompany you, as he is, for the +ride, your guest. + +The honorable place is on the right. Give this to a lady, an elderly +man, or your guest. + +A modern writer says:--"If walking with a female relative or friend, a +well-bred man will take the outer side of the pavement, not only because +the wall-side is the most honorable side of a public walk, but also +because it is generally the farthest point from danger in the street. If +walking alone, he will be ready to offer assistance to any female whom +he may see exposed to real peril from any source. Courtesy and manly +courage will both incite him to this line of conduct. In general, this +is a point of honor which almost all men are proud to achieve. It has +frequently happened that even where the savage passions of men have been +excited, and when mobs have been in actual conflict, women have been +gallantly escorted through the sanguinary crowd unharmed, and their +presence has even been a protection to their protectors. This is as it +should be; and such incidents have shown in a striking manner, not only +the excellency of good breeding, but have also brought it out when and +where it was least to be expected. + +"In streets and all public walks, a well-bred person will be easily +distinguished from another who sets at defiance the rules of good +breeding. He will not, whatever be his station, hinder and annoy his +fellow pedestrians, by loitering or standing still in the middle of the +footway. He will, if walking in company, abstain from making impertinent +remarks on those he meets; he will even be careful not to appear +indelicately to notice them. He will not take 'the crown of the +causeway' to himself, but readily fall in with the convenient custom +which necessity has provided, and walk on the right side of the path, +leaving the left side free for those who are walking in the opposite +direction. Any departure from these plain rules of good breeding is +downright rudeness and insult; or, at all events, it betrays great +ignorance or disregard for propriety. And yet, how often are they +departed from! It is, by no means, uncommon, especially in country +places, for groups of working men to obstruct the pathway upon which +they take a fancy to lounge, without any definite object, as far as +appears, but that of making rude remarks upon passers-by. But it is not +only the laboring classes of society who offend against good breeding in +this way; too many others offend in the same, and by stopping to talk in +the middle of the pavement put all who pass to great inconvenience." + +In meeting a lady do not offer to shake hands with her, but accept her +hand when _she_ offers it for you to take. + +"In France, where politeness is found in every class, the people do not +run against each other in the streets, nor brush rudely by each other, +as they sometimes do in our cities. It adds much to the pleasure of +walking, to be free from such annoyance; and this can only be brought +about by the well-taught few setting a good example to the many. By +having your wits about you, you can win your way through a thronged +street without touching even the extreme circumference of a balloon +sleeve; and, if each one strove to avoid all contact, it would be easily +accomplished." + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. + + +A gentleman in society must calculate to give a certain portion of his +time to making calls upon his friends, both ladies and gentlemen. He may +extend his visiting list to as large a number as his inclination and +time will permit him to attend to, but he cannot contract it after +passing certain limits. His position as a man in society obliges him to +call, + +Upon any stranger visiting his city, who brings a letter of introduction +to him; + +Upon any friend from another city, to whose hospitality he has been at +any time indebted; + +Upon any gentleman after receiving from his hands a favor or courtesy; + +Upon his host at any dinner or supper party, (such calls should be made +very soon after the entertainment given); + +Upon any friend whose joy or grief calls for an expression of sympathy, +whether it be congratulation or condolence; + +Upon any friend who has lately returned from a voyage or long journey; + +Upon any lady who has accepted his services as an escort, either for a +journey or the return from a ball or evening party; this call must be +made the day after he has thus escorted the lady; + +Upon his hostess after any party to which he has been invited, whether +he has accepted or declined such invitation; + +Upon any lady who has accepted his escort for an evening, a walk or a +drive; + +Upon any friend whom long or severe illness keeps confined to the house; + +Upon his lady friends on New Year's day, (if it is the custom of the +city in which he resides;) + +Upon any of his friends when they receive bridal calls; + +Upon lady friends in any city you are visiting; if gentlemen friends +reside in the same city, you may either call upon them or send your card +with your address and the length of time you intend staying, written +upon it; if a stranger or friend visiting your city sends such a card, +you must call at the earliest opportunity; + +Upon any one of whom you wish to ask a favor; to make him, under such +circumstances call upon you, is extremely rude; + +Upon any one who has asked a favor of you; you will add very much to the +pleasure you confer, in granting a favor, by calling to express the +gratification it affords you to be able to oblige your friend; you will +soften the pain of a refusal, if, by calling, and expressing your +regret, you show that you feel interested in the request, and consider +it of importance. + +Upon intimate friends, relatives, and ladies, you may call without +waiting for any of the occasions given above. + +Do not fall into the vulgar error of declaiming against the practice of +making calls, declaring it a "bore," tiresome, or stupid. The custom is +a good one. + +An English writer says:-- + +"The visit or call is a much better institution than is generally +supposed. It has its drawbacks. It wastes much time; it necessitates +much small talk. It obliges one to dress on the chance of finding a +friend at home; but for all this it is almost the only means of making +an acquaintance ripen into friendship. In the visit, all the strain, +which general society somehow necessitates, is thrown off. A man +receives you in his rooms cordially, and makes you welcome, not to a +stiff dinner, but an easy chair and conversation. A lady, who in the +ball room or party has been compelled to limit her conversation, can +here speak more freely. The talk can descend from generalities to +personal inquiries, and need I say, that if you wish to know a young +lady truly, you must see her at home, and by day light. + +"The main points to be observed about visits, are the proper occasions +and the proper hours. Now, between actual friends there is little need +of etiquette in these respects. A friendly visit may be made at any +time, on any occasion. True, you are more welcome when the business of +the day is over, in the afternoon rather than in the morning, and you +must, even as a friend, avoid calling at meal times. But, on the other +hand, many people receive visits in the evening, and certainly this is +the best time to make them." + +Any first call which you receive must be returned promptly. If you do +not wish to continue the acquaintance any farther, you need not return a +second call, but politeness imperatively demands a return of the first +one. + +A call may be made upon ladies in the morning or afternoon; but in this +country, where almost every man has some business to occupy his day, the +evening is the best time for paying calls. You will gain ground in easy +intercourse and friendly acquaintance more rapidly in one evening, than +in several morning calls. + +Never make a call upon a lady before eleven o'clock in the morning, or +after nine in the evening. + +Avoid meal times. If you inadvertently call at dinner or tea time, and +your host is thus forced to invite you to the table, it is best to +decline the civility. If, however, you see that you will give pleasure +by staying, accept the invitation, but be careful to avoid calling again +at the same hour. + +No man in the United States, excepting His Excellency, the President, +can expect to receive calls unless he returns them. + +"Visiting," says a French writer, "forms the cord which binds society +together, and it is so firmly tied, that were the knot severed, society +would perish." + +A ceremonious call should never extend over more than fifteen minutes, +and it should not be less than ten minutes. + +If you see the master of the house take letters or a paper from his +pocket, look at the clock, have an absent air, beat time with his +fingers or hands, or in any other way show weariness or _ennui_, you +may safely conclude that it is time for you to leave, though you may not +have been five minutes in the house. If you are host to the most +wearisome visitor in existence, if he stays hours, and converses only on +subjects which do not interest you, in the least; unless he is keeping +you from an important engagement, you must not show the least sign of +weariness. Listen to him politely, endeavor to entertain him, and +preserve a smiling composure, though you may long to show him the door. +In case he is keeping you from business of importance, or an imperative +engagement, you may, without any infringement upon the laws of +politeness, inform him of the fact, and beg him to excuse you; you must, +however, express polite regret at your enforced want of hospitality, and +invite him to call again. + +It is quite an art to make a graceful exit after a call. To know how to +choose the moment when you will be regretted, and to retire leaving your +friends anxious for a repetition of the call, is an accomplishment worth +acquiring. + +When you begin to tire of your visit, you may generally feel sure that +your entertainers are tired of you, and if you do not want to remain +printed upon their memory as "the man who makes such long, tiresome +calls," you will retire. + +If other callers come in before you leave a friend's parlor, do not rise +immediately as if you wished to avoid them, but remain seated a few +moments, and then leave, that your hostess may not have too many +visitors to entertain at one time. + +If you have been enjoying a _tte--tte_ interview with a lady, and +other callers come in, do not hurry away, as if detected in a crime, but +after a few courteous, graceful words, and the interchange of some +pleasant remarks, leave her to entertain her other friends. + +To endeavor when making a call to "sit out" others in the room, is very +rude. + +When your host or hostess urges you to stay longer, after you have risen +to go, be sure that that is the best time for departure. You will do +better to go then, when you will be regretted, than to wait until you +have worn your welcome out. + +When making a visit of condolence, take your tone from your host or +hostess. If they speak of their misfortune, or, in case of death, of the +departed relative, join them. Speak of the talents or virtues of the +deceased, and your sympathy with their loss. If, on the other hand, they +avoid the subject, then it is best for you to avoid it too. They may +feel their inability to sustain a conversation upon the subject of their +recent affliction, and it would then be cruel to force it upon them. If +you see that they are making an effort, perhaps a painful one, to appear +cheerful, try to make them forget for the time their sorrows, and chat +on cheerful subjects. At the same time, avoid jesting, merriment, or +undue levity, as it will be out of place, and appear heartless. + +A visit of congratulation, should, on the contrary, be cheerful, gay, +and joyous. Here, painful subjects would be out of place. Do not mar the +happiness of your friend by the description of the misery of your own +position or that of a third person, but endeavor to show by joyous +sympathy that the pleasure of your friend is also your happiness. To +laugh with those who laugh, weep with those who are afflicted, is not +hypocrisy, but kindly, friendly sympathy. + +Always, when making a friendly call, send up your card, by the servant +who opens the door. + +There are many times when a card may be left, even if the family upon +which you call is at home. Visits of condolence, unless amongst +relatives or very intimate friends, are best made by leaving a card with +enquiries for the health of the family, and offers of service. + +If you see upon entering a friend's parlor, that your call is keeping +him from going out, or, if you find a lady friend dressed for a party or +promenade, make your visit very brief. In the latter case, if the lady +seems unattended, and urges your stay, you may offer your services as an +escort. + +Never visit a literary man, an artist, any man whose profession allows +him to remain at home, at the hours when he is engaged in the pursuit of +his profession. The fact that you know he is at home is nothing; he will +not care to receive visits during the time allotted to his daily work. + +Never take another gentleman to call upon one of your lady friends +without first obtaining her permission to do so. + +The calls made after receiving an invitation to dinner, a party, ball, +or other entertainment should be made within a fortnight after the +civility has been accepted. + +When you have saluted the host and hostess, do not take a seat until +they invite you to do so, or by a motion, and themselves sitting down, +show that they expect you to do the same. + +Keep your hat in your hand when making a call. This will show your host +that you do not intend to remain to dine or sup with him. You may leave +an umbrella or cane in the hall if you wish, but your hat and gloves you +must carry into the parlor. In making an evening call for the first time +keep your hat and gloves in your hand, until the host or hostess +requests you to lay them aside and spend the evening. + +When going to spend the evening with a friend whom you visit often, +leave your hat, gloves, and great coat in the hall. + +If, on entering a parlor of a lady friend, in the evening, you see by +her dress, or any other token, that she was expecting to go to the +opera, concert, or an evening party, make a call of a few minutes only, +and then retire. I have known men who accepted instantly the invitation +given them to remain under these circumstances, and deprive their +friends of an anticipated pleasure, when their call could have been made +at any other time. To thus impose upon the courtesy of your friends is +excessively rude. Nothing will pardon such an acceptance but the +impossibility of repeating your call, owing to a short stay in town, or +any other cause. Even in this case it is better to accompany your +friends upon their expedition in search of pleasure. You can, of course, +easily obtain admittance if they are going to a public entertainment, +and if they invite you to join their party to a friend's house, you may +without impropriety do so, as a lady is privileged to introduce you to +her friends under such circumstances. It requires tact and discretion to +know when to accept and when to decline such an invitation. Be careful +that you do not intrude upon a party already complete in themselves, or +that you do not interfere with the plans of the gentlemen who have +already been accepted as escorts. + +Never make a _third_ upon such occasions. Neither one of a couple who +propose spending the evening abroad together, will thank the intruder +who spoils their tte--tte. + +When you find, on entering a room, that your visit is for any reason +inopportune, do not instantly retire unless you have entered unperceived +and can so leave, in which case leave immediately; if, however, you have +been seen, your instant retreat is cut off. Then endeavor by your own +graceful ease to cover any embarrassment your entrance may have caused, +make but a short call, and, if you can, leave your friends under the +impression that you saw nothing out of the way when you entered. + +Always leave a card when you find the person upon whom you have called +absent from home. + +A card should have nothing written upon it, but your name and address. +To leave a card with your business address, or the nature of your +profession written upon it, shows a shocking ignorance of polite +society. Business cards are never to be used excepting when you make a +business call. + +Never use a card that is ornamented in any way, whether by a fancy +border, painted corners, or embossing. Let it be perfectly plain, +tinted, if you like, in color, but without ornament, and have your name +written or printed in the middle, your address, in smaller characters, +in the lower left hand corner. Many gentlemen omit the Mr. upon their +cards, writing merely their Christian and surname; this is a matter of +taste, you may follow your own inclination. Let your card be written +thus:-- + + HENRY C. PRATT + + No. 217 L. street. + +A physician will put Dr. before or M.D. after the name, and an officer +in the army or navy may add his title; but for militia officers to do so +is absurd. + +If you call upon a lady, who invites you to be seated, place a chair for +her, and wait until she takes it before you sit down yourself. + +Never sit beside a lady upon a sofa, or on a chair very near her own, +unless she invites you to do so. + +If a lady enters the room where you are making a call, rise, and remain +standing until she is seated. Even if she is a perfect stranger, offer +her a chair, if there is none near her. + +You must rise if a lady leaves the room, and remain standing until she +has passed out. + +If you are engaged in any profession which you follow at home, and +receive a caller, you may, during the daytime, invite him into your +library, study, or the room in which you work, and, unless you use your +pen, you may work while he is with you. + +When you receive a visitor, meet him at the door, offer a chair, take +his hat and cane, and, while speaking of the pleasure the call affords +you, show, by your manner, that you are sincere, and desire a long call. + +Do not let your host come with you any farther than the room door if he +has other visitors; but if you are showing out a friend, and leave no +others in the parlor, you should come to the street door. + +A few hints from an English author, will not be amiss in this place. He +says:-- + +"Visits of condolence and congratulation must be made about a week after +the event. If you are intimate with the person on whom you call, you may +ask, in the first case, for admission; if not, it is better only to +leave a card, and make your 'kind inquiries' of the servant, who is +generally primed in what manner to answer them. In visits of +congratulation you should always go in, and be hearty in your +congratulations. Visits of condolence are terrible inflictions to both +receiver and giver, but they may be made less so by avoiding, as much as +consistent with sympathy, any allusion to the past. The receiver does +well to abstain from tears. A lady of my acquaintance, who had lost her +husband, was receiving such a visit in her best crape. She wept +profusely for some time upon the best of broad-hemmed cambric +handkerchiefs, and then turning to her visitor, said: 'I am sure you +will be glad to hear that Mr. B. has left me most comfortably provided +for.' _Hinc ill lacrym._ Perhaps they would have been more sincere if +he had left her without a penny. At the same time, if you have not +sympathy and heart enough to pump up a little condolence, you will do +better to avoid it, but take care that your conversation is not too gay. +Whatever you may feel, you must respect the sorrows of others. + +"On marriage, cards are sent round to such people as you wish to keep +among your acquaintance, and it is then their part to call first on the +young couple, when within distance. + +"Having entered the house, you take up with you to the drawing-room both +hat and cane, but leave an umbrella in the hall. In France it is usual +to leave a great-coat down stairs also, but as calls are made in this +country in morning dress, it is not necessary to do so. + +"It is not usual to introduce people at morning calls in large towns; in +the country it is sometimes done, not always. The law of introductions +is, in fact, to force no one into an acquaintance. You should, +therefore, ascertain beforehand whether it is agreeable to both to be +introduced; but if a lady or a superior expresses a wish to know a +gentleman or an inferior, the latter two have no right to decline the +honor. The introduction is of an inferior [which position a gentleman +always holds to a lady] to the superior. You introduce Mr. Smith to Mrs. +Jones, or Mr. A. to Lord B., not _vice versa_. In introducing two +persons, it is not necessary to lead one of them up by the hand, but it +is sufficient simply to precede them. Having thus brought the person to +be introduced up to the one to whom he is to be presented, it is the +custom, even when the consent has been previously obtained, to say, with +a slight bow, to the superior personage: 'Will you allow me to introduce +Mr. ----?' The person addressed replies by bowing to the one introduced, +who also bows at the same time, while the introducer repeats their +names, and then retires, leaving them to converse. Thus, for instance, +in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. Smith, you will say, 'Mrs. Smith, allow +me to introduce Mr. Jones,' and while they are engaged in bowing you +will murmur, 'Mrs. Smith--Mr. Jones,' and escape. If you have to present +three or four people to said Mrs. Smith, it will suffice to utter their +respective names without repeating that of the lady. + +"A well-bred person always receives visitors at whatever time they may +call, or whoever they may be; but if you are occupied and cannot afford +to be interrupted by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the servant +_beforehand_ to say that you are 'not at home.' This form has often been +denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no lie unless intended to +deceive; and since the words are universally understood to mean that you +are engaged, it can be no harm to give such an order to a servant. But, +on the other hand, if the servant once admits a visitor within the hall, +you should receive him at any inconvenience to yourself." + +He also gives some admirable hints upon visits made to friends in +another city or the country. + +He says:-- + +"A few words on visits to country houses before I quit this subject. +Since a man's house is his castle, no one, not even a near relation, has +a right to invite himself to stay in it. It is not only taking a liberty +to do so, but may prove to be very inconvenient. A general invitation, +too, should never be acted on. It is often given without any intention +of following it up; but, if given, should be turned into a special one +sooner or later. An invitation should specify the persons whom it +includes, and the person invited should never presume to take with him +any one not specified. If a gentleman cannot dispense with his valet, he +should write to ask leave to bring a servant; but the means of your +inviter, and the size of the house, should be taken into consideration, +and it is better taste to dispense with a servant altogether. Children +and horses are still more troublesome, and should never be taken without +special mention made of them. It is equally bad taste to arrive with a +wagonful of luggage, as that is naturally taken as a hint that you +intend to stay a long time. The length of a country visit is indeed a +difficult matter to decide, but in the present day people who receive +much generally specify the length in their invitation--a plan which +saves a great deal of trouble and doubt. But a custom not so commendable +has lately come in of limiting the visits of acquaintance to two or +three days. This may be pardonable where the guest lives at no great +distance, but it is preposterous to expect a person to travel a long +distance for a stay of three nights. If, however, the length be not +specified, and cannot easily be discovered, a week is the limit for a +country visit, except at the house of a near relation or very old +friend. It will, however, save trouble to yourself, if, soon after your +arrival, you state that you are come "for a few days," and, if your host +wishes you to make a longer visit, he will at once press you to do so. + +"The main point in a country visit is to give as little trouble as +possible, to conform to the habits of your entertainers, and never to be +in the way. On this principle you will retire to your own occupations +soon after breakfast, unless some arrangement has been made for passing +the morning otherwise. If you have nothing to do, you may be sure that +your host has something to attend to in the morning. Another point of +good-breeding is to be punctual at meals, for a host and hostess never +sit down without their guest, and dinner may be getting cold. If, +however, a guest should fail in this particular, a well-bred entertainer +will not only take no notice of it, but attempt to set the late comer as +much at his ease as possible. A host should provide amusement for his +guests, and give up his time as much as possible to them; but if he +should be a professional man or student--an author, for instance--the +guest should, at the commencement of the visit, insist that he will not +allow him to interrupt his occupations, and the latter will set his +visitor more at his ease by accepting this arrangement. In fact, the +rule on which a host should act is to make his visitors as much at home +as possible; that on which a visitor should act, is to interfere as +little as possible with the domestic routine of the house. + +"The worst part of a country visit is the necessity of giving gratuities +to the servants, for a poor man may often find his visit cost him far +more than if he had stayed at home. It is a custom which ought to be put +down, because a host who receives much should pay his own servants for +the extra trouble given. Some people have made by-laws against it in +their houses, but, like those about gratuities to railway-porters, they +are seldom regarded. In a great house a man-servant expects gold, but a +poor man should not be ashamed of offering him silver. It must depend on +the length of the visit. The ladies give to the female, the gentlemen to +the male servants. Would that I might see my friends without paying them +for their hospitality in this indirect manner!" + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. + + +Of all the amusements open for young people, none is more delightful and +more popular than dancing. Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, +says: "Dancing is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing; but it is +one of those established follies to which people of sense are sometimes +obliged to conform; and then they should be able to do it well. And, +though I would not have you a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would +have you dance well, as I would have you do everything you do well." In +another letter, he writes: "Do you mind your dancing while your dancing +master is with you? As you will be often under the necessity of dancing +a minuet, I would have you dance it very well. Remember that the +graceful motion of the arms, the giving of your hand, and the putting +off and putting on of your hat genteelly, are the material parts of a +gentleman's dancing. But the greatest advantage of dancing well is, that +it necessarily teaches you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk +genteelly; all of which are of real importance to a man of fashion." + +Although the days are over when gentlemen carried their hats into ball +rooms and danced minuets, there are useful hints in the quotations +given above. Nothing will give ease of manner and a graceful carriage to +a gentleman more surely than the knowledge of dancing. He will, in its +practice, acquire easy motion, a light step, and learn to use both hands +and feet well. What can be more awkward than a man who continually finds +his hands and feet in his way, and, by his fussy movements, betrays his +trouble? A good dancer never feels this embarrassment, consequently he +never appears aware of the existence of his feet, and carries his hands +and arms gracefully. Some people being bashful and afraid of attracting +attention in a ball room or evening party, do not take lessons in +dancing, overlooking the fact that it is those who do _not_ partake of +the amusement on such occasions, not those who do, that attract +attention. To all such gentlemen I would say; Learn to dance. You will +find it one of the very best plans for correcting bashfulness. Unless +you possess the accomplishments that are common in polite society, you +can neither give nor receive all the benefits that can be derived from +social intercourse. + +When you receive an invitation to a ball, answer it immediately. + +If you go alone, go from the dressing-room to the ball room, find your +host and hostess, and speak first to them; if there are several ladies +in the house, take the earliest opportunity of paying your respects to +each of them, and invite one of them to dance with you the first dance. +If she is already engaged, you should endeavor to engage her for a dance +later in the evening, and are then at liberty to seek a partner amongst +the guests. + +When you have engaged a partner for a dance, you should go to her a few +moments before the set for which you have engaged her will be formed, +that you may not be hurried in taking your places upon the floor. +Enquire whether she prefers the head or side place in the set, and take +the position she names. + +In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, "Will you _honor_ me +with your hand for a quadrille?" or, "Shall I have the _honor_ of +dancing this set with you?" are more used now than "Shall I have the +_pleasure_?" or, "Will you give me the _pleasure_ of dancing with you?" + +Offer a lady your arm to lead her to the quadrille, and in the pauses +between the figures endeavor to make the duty of standing still less +tiresome by pleasant conversation. Let the subjects be light, as you +will be constantly interrupted by the figures in the dance. There is no +occasion upon which a pleasant flow of small talk is more _propos_, and +agreeable than in a ball room. + +When the dance is over, offer your arm to your partner, and enquire +whether she prefers to go immediately to her seat, or wishes to +promenade. If she chooses the former, conduct her to her seat, stand +near her a few moments, chatting, then bow, and give other gentlemen an +opportunity of addressing her. If she prefers to promenade, walk with +her until she expresses a wish to sit down. Enquire, before you leave +her, whether you can be of any service, and, if the supper-room is open, +invite her to go in there with you. + +You will pay a delicate compliment and one that will certainly be +appreciated, if, when a lady declines your invitation to dance on the +plea of fatigue or fear of fatigue, you do not seek another partner, +but remain with the lady you have just invited, and thus imply that the +pleasure of talking with, and being near, her, is greater than that of +dancing with another. + +Let your hostess understand that you are at her service for the evening, +that she may have a prospect of giving her wall flowers a partner, and, +however unattractive these may prove, endeavor to make yourself as +agreeable to them as possible. + +Your conduct will differ if you escort a lady to a ball. Then your +principal attentions must be paid to her. You must call for her +punctually at the hour she has appointed, and it is your duty to provide +the carriage. You may carry her a bouquet if you will, this is optional. +A more elegant way of presenting it is to send it in the afternoon with +your card, as, if you wait until evening, she may think you do not mean +to present one, and provide one for herself. + +When you arrive at your destination, leave the carriage, and assist her +in alighting; then escort her to the lady's dressing-room, leave her at +the door, and go to the gentlemen's dressing-room. As soon as you have +arranged your own dress, go again to the door of the lady's room, and +wait until your companion comes out. Give her your left arm and escort +her to the ball room; find the hostess and lead your companion to her. +When they have exchanged greetings, lead your lady to a seat, and then +engage her for the first dance. Tell her that while you will not deprive +others of the pleasure of dancing with her, you are desirous of dancing +with her whenever she is not more pleasantly engaged, and before +seeking a partner for any other set, see whether your lady is engaged or +is ready to dance again with you. You must watch during the evening, +and, while you do not force your attentions upon her, or prevent others +from paying her attention, you must never allow her to be alone, but +join her whenever others are not speaking to her. You must take her in +to supper, and be ready to leave the party, whenever she wishes to do +so. + +If the ball is given in your own house, or at that of a near relative, +it becomes your duty to see that every lady, young or old, handsome or +ugly, is provided with a partner, though the oldest and ugliest may fall +to your own share. + +Never stand up to dance unless you are perfect master of the step, +figure, and time of that dance. If you make a mistake you not only +render yourself ridiculous, but you annoy your partner and the others in +the set. + +If you have come alone to a ball, do not devote yourself entirely to any +one lady. Divide your attentions amongst several, and never dance twice +in succession with the same partner. + +To affect an air of secrecy or mystery when conversing in a ball-room is +a piece of impertinence for which no lady of delicacy will thank you. + +When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank her for the pleasure +she has conferred upon you, and do not remain too long conversing with +her. + +Give your partner your whole attention when dancing with her. To let +your eyes wander round the room, or to make remarks betraying your +interest in others, is not flattering, as she will not be unobservant +of your want of taste. + +Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is an unpardonable +breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance with you, and neglect to +remind her of her promise when the time to redeem it comes. + +A dress coat, dress boots, full suit of black, and white or very light +kid gloves must be worn in a ball room. A white waistcoat and cravat are +sometimes worn, but this is a matter of taste. + +Never wait until the music commences before inviting a lady to dance +with you. + +If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is seated near her to +dance the same set. Do not go immediately to another lady, but chat a +few moments with the one whom you first invited, and then join a group +or gentlemen friends for a few moments, before seeking another partner. + +Never dance without gloves. This is an imperative rule. It is best to +carry two pair, as in the contact with dark dresses, or in handing +refreshments, you may soil the pair you wear on entering the room, and +will thus be under the necessity of offering your hand covered by a +soiled glove, to some fair partner. You can slip unperceived from the +room, change the soiled for a fresh pair, and then avoid that +mortification. + +If your partner has a bouquet, handkerchief, or fan in her hand, do not +offer to carry them for her. If she finds they embarrass her, she will +request you to hold them for her, but etiquette requires you not to +notice them, unless she speaks of them first. + +Do not be the last to leave the ball room. It is more elegant to leave +early, as staying too late gives others the impression that you do not +often have an invitation to a ball, and must "make the most of it." + +Some gentlemen linger at a private ball until all the ladies have left, +and then congregate in the supper-room, where they remain for hours, +totally regardless of the fact that they are keeping the wearied host +and his servants from their rest. Never, as you value your reputation as +a gentleman of refinement, be among the number of these "hangers on." + +The author of a recent work on etiquette, published in England, gives +the following hints for those who go to balls. He says:-- + +"When inviting a lady to dance, if she replies very politely, asking to +be excused, as she does not wish to dance ('with you,' being probably +her mental reservation), a man ought to be satisfied. At all events, he +should never press her to dance after one refusal. The set forms which +Turveydrop would give for the invitation are too much of the deportment +school to be used in practice. If you know a young lady slightly, it is +sufficient to say to her, 'May I have the pleasure of dancing this +waltz, &c., with you?' or if intimately, 'Will you dance, Miss A--?' The +young lady who has refused one gentleman, has no right to accept another +for that dance; and young ladies who do not wish to be annoyed, must +take care not to accept two gentlemen for the same dance. In Germany +such innocent blunders often cause fatal results. Two partners arrive at +the same moment to claim the fair one's hand; she vows she has not made +a mistake; 'was sure she was engaged to Herr A--, and not to Herr B--;' +Herr B-- is equally certain that she was engaged to him. The awkwardness +is, that if he at once gives her up, he appears to be indifferent about +it; while, if he presses his suit, he must quarrel with Herr A--, unless +the damsel is clever enough to satisfy both of them; and particularly if +there is an especial interest in Herr B--, he yields at last, but when +the dance is over, sends a friend to Herr A--. Absurd as all this is, it +is common, and I have often seen one Herr or the other walking about +with a huge gash on his cheek, or his arm in a sling, a few days after a +ball. + +"Friendship, it appears, can be let out on hire. The lady who was so +very amiable to you last night, has a right to ignore your existence +to-day. In fact, a ball room acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until +you have met at more balls than one. In the same way a man cannot, after +being introduced to a young lady to dance with, ask her to do so more +than twice in the same evening. A man may dance four or even five times +with the same partner. On the other hand, a real well-bred man will wish +to be useful, and there are certain people whom it is imperative on him +to ask to dance--the daughters of the house, for instance, and any young +ladies whom he may know intimately; but most of all the well-bred and +amiable man will sacrifice himself to those plain, ill-dressed, dull +looking beings who cling to the wall, unsought and despairing. After +all, he will not regret his good nature. The spirits reviving at the +unexpected invitation, the wall-flower will pour out her best +conversation, will dance her best, and will show him her gratitude in +some way or other. + +"The formal bow at the end of a quadrille has gradually dwindled away. +At the end of every dance you offer your right arm to your partner, (if +by mistake you offer the left, you may turn the blunder into a pretty +compliment, by reminding her that is _le bras du coeur_, nearest the +heart, which if not anatomically true, is, at least, no worse than +talking of a sunset and sunrise), and walk half round the room with her. +You then ask her if she will take any refreshment, and, if she accepts, +you convey your precious allotment of tarlatane to the refreshment room +to be invigorated by an ice or negus, or what you will. It is judicious +not to linger too long in this room, if you are engaged to some one else +for the next dance. You will have the pleasure of hearing the music +begin in the distant ball room, and of reflecting that an expectant fair +is sighing for you like Marianna-- + + "He cometh not," she said. + She said, "I am a-weary a-weary, + I would I were in bed;" + +which is not an unfrequent wish in some ball rooms. A well-bred girl, +too, will remember this, and always offer to return to the ball room, +however interesting the conversation. + +"If you are prudent you will not dance every dance, nor in fact, much +more than half the number on the list; you will then escape that hateful +redness of face at the time, and that wearing fatigue the next day which +are among the worst features of a ball. Again, a gentleman must +remember that a ball is essentially a lady's party, and in their +presence he should be gentle and delicate almost to a fault, never +pushing his way, apologizing if he tread on a dress, still more so if he +tears it, begging pardon for any accidental annoyance he may occasion, +and addressing every body with a smile. But quite unpardonable are those +men whom one sometimes meets, who, standing in a door-way, talk and +laugh as they would in a barrack or college-rooms, always coarsely, +often indelicately. What must the state of their minds be, if the sight +of beauty, modesty, and virtue, does not awe them into silence! A man, +too, who strolls down the room with his head in the air, looking as if +there were not a creature there worth dancing with, is an ill-bred man, +so is he who looks bored; and worse than all is he who takes too much +champagne. + +"If you are dancing with a young lady when the supper-room is opened, +you must ask her if she would like to go to supper, and if she says +'yes,' which, in 999 cases out of 1000, she certainly will do, you must +take her thither. If you are not dancing, the lady of the house will +probably recruit you to take in some chaperon. However little you may +relish this, you must not show your disgust. In fact, no man ought to be +disgusted at being able to do anything for a lady; it should be his +highest privilege, but it is not--in these modern unchivalrous +days--perhaps never was so. Having placed your partner then at the +supper-table, if there is room there, but if not at a side-table, or +even at none, you must be as active as Puck in attending to her wants, +and as women take as long to settle their fancies in edibles as in +love-matters, you had better at once get her something substantial, +chicken, _pt de foie gras_, _mayonnaise_, or what you will. Afterwards +come jelly and trifle in due course. + +"A young lady often goes down half-a-dozen times to the supper-room--it +is to be hoped not for the purpose of eating--but she should not do so +with the same partner more than once. While the lady is supping you must +stand by and talk to her, attending to every want, and the most you may +take yourself is a glass of champagne when you help her. You then lead +her up stairs again, and if you are not wanted there any more, you may +steal down and do a little quiet refreshment on your own account. As +long, however, as there are many ladies still at the table, you have no +right to begin. Nothing marks a man here so much as gorging at supper. +Balls are meant for dancing, not eating, and unfortunately too many +young men forget this in the present day. Lastly, be careful what you +say and how you dance after supper, even more so than before it, for if +you in the slightest way displease a young lady, she may fancy that you +have been too partial to strong fluids, and ladies never forgive that. +It would be hard on the lady of the house if every body leaving a large +ball thought it necessary to wish her good night. In quitting a small +dance, however, a parting bow is expected. It is then that the pretty +daughter of the house gives you that sweet smile of which you dream +afterwards in a gooseberry nightmare of 'tum-tum-tiddy-tum,' and waltzes +_ deux temps_, and masses of tarlatane and bright eyes, flushed cheeks +and dewy glances. See them to-morrow, my dear fellow, it will cure you. + +"I think flirtation comes under the head of morals more than of manners; +still I may be allowed to say that ball room flirtation being more open +is less dangerous than any other. A prudent man will never presume on a +girl's liveliness or banter. No man of taste ever made an offer after +supper, and certainly nine-tenths of those who have done so have +regretted it at breakfast the next morning. + +"At public balls there are generally either three or four stewards on +duty, or a professional master of ceremonies. These gentlemen having +made all the arrangements, order the dances, and have power to change +them if desirable. They also undertake to present young men to ladies, +but it must be understood that such an introduction is only available +for _one_ dance. It is better taste to ask the steward to introduce you +simply to a partner, than to point out any lady in particular. He will +probably then ask you if you have a choice, and if not, you may be +certain he will take you to an established wall-flower. Public balls are +scarcely enjoyable unless you have your own party. + +"As the great charm of a ball is its perfect accord and harmony, all +altercations, loud talking, &c., are doubly ill-mannered in a ball room. +Very little suffices to disturb the peace of the whole company." + +The same author gives some hints upon dancing which are so excellent +that I need make no apology for quoting them. He says:-- + +"'Thank you--aw--I do not dance,' is now a very common reply from a +well-dressed, handsome man, who is leaning against the side of the door, +to the anxious, heated hostess, who feels it incumbent on her to find a +partner for poor Miss Wallflower. I say the reply is not only common, +but even regarded as rather a fine one to make. In short, men of the +present day don't, won't, or can't dance; and you can't make them do it, +except by threatening to give them no supper. I really cannot discover +the reason for this aversion to an innocent amusement, for the apparent +purpose of enjoying which they have spent an hour and a half on their +toilet. There is something, indeed, in the heat of a ball room, there is +a great deal in the ridiculous smallness of the closets into which the +ball-giver crowds two hundred people, with a cruel indifference only +equalled by that of the black-hole of Calcutta, expecting them to enjoy +themselves, when the ladies' dresses are crushed and torn, and the +gentlemen, under the despotism of theirs, are melting away almost as +rapidly as the ices with which an occasional waiter has the +heartlessness to insult them. Then, again, it is a great nuisance to be +introduced to a succession of plain, uninteresting young women, of whose +tastes, modes of life, &c., you have not the slightest conception: who +may look gay, yet have never a thought beyond the curate and the parish, +or appear to be serious, while they understand nothing but the opera and +So-and-so's ball--in fact, to be in perpetual risk of either shocking +their prejudices, or plaguing them with subjects in which they can have +no possible interest; to take your chance whether they can dance at all, +and to know that when you have lighted on a real charmer, perhaps the +beauty of the room, she is only lent to you for that dance, and, when +that is over, and you have salaamed away again, you and she must remain +to one another as if you had never met; to feel, in short, that you must +destroy either your present comfort or future happiness, is certainly +sufficiently trying to keep a man close to the side-posts of the +doorway. But these are reasons which might keep him altogether from a +ball room, and, if he has these and other objections to dancing, he +certainly cannot be justified in coming to a place set apart for that +sole purpose. + +"But I suspect that there are other reasons, and that, in most cases, +the individual can dance and does dance at times, but has now a vulgar +desire to be distinguished from the rest of his sex present, and to +appear indifferent to the pleasures of the evening. If this be his +laudable desire, however he might, at least, be consistent, and continue +to cling to his door-post, like St. Sebastian to his tree, and reply +throughout the evening, 'Thank you, I don't take refreshments;' 'Thank +you, I can't eat supper;' 'Thank you, I don't talk;' 'Thank you, I don't +drink champagne,'--for if a ball room be purgatory, what a demoniacal +conflict does a supper-room present; if young ladies be bad for the +heart, champagne is worse for the head. + +"No, it is the will, not the power to dance which is wanting, and to +refuse to do so, unless for a really good reason, is not the part of a +well-bred man. To mar the pleasure of others is obviously bad manners, +and, though at the door-post, you may not be in the way, you may be +certain that there are some young ladies longing to dance, and +expecting to be asked, and that the hostess is vexed and annoyed by +seeing them fixed, like pictures, to the wall. It is therefore the duty +of every man who has no scruples about dancing, and purposes to appear +at balls, to learn how to dance. + +"In the present day the art is much simplified, and if you can walk +through a quadrille, and perform a polka, waltz, or galop, you may often +dance a whole evening through. Of course, if you can add to these the +Lancers, Schottische, and Polka-Mazurka, you will have more variety, and +can be more generally agreeable. But if your master or mistress [a man +learns better from the former] has stuffed into your head some of the +three hundred dances which he tells you exist, the best thing you can do +is to forget them again. Whether right or wrong, the number of usual +dances is limited, and unusual ones should be very sparingly introduced +into a ball, for as few people know them, their dancing, on the one +hand, becomes a mere display, and, on the other, interrupts the +enjoyment of the majority. + +"The quadrille is pronounced to be essentially a conversational dance, +but, inasmuch as the figures are perpetually calling you away from your +partner, the first necessity for dancing a quadrille is to be supplied +with a fund of small talk, in which you can go from subject to subject +like a bee from flower to flower. The next point is to carry yourself +uprightly. Time was when--as in the days of the _minuet de la cour_--the +carriage constituted the dance. This is still the case with the +quadrille, in which, even if ignorant of the figures, you may acquit +yourself well by a calm, graceful carriage. After all, the most +important figure is the _smile_, and the feet may be left to their fate, +if we know what to do with our hands; of which I may observe that they +should never be pocketed. + +"The smile is essential. A dance is supposed to amuse, and nothing is +more out of place in it than a gloomy scowl, unless it be an +ill-tempered frown. The gaiety of a dance is more essential than the +accuracy of its figures, and if you feel none yourself, you may, at +least, look pleased by that of those around you. A defiant manner is +equally obnoxious. An acquaintance of mine always gives me the +impression, when he advances in _l't_, that he is about to box the +lady who comes to meet him. But the most objectionable of all is the +supercilious manner. Dear me, if you really think you do your partner an +honor in dancing with her, you should, at least, remember that your +condescension is annulled by the manner in which you treat her. + +"A lady--beautiful word!--is a delicate creature, one who should be +reverenced and delicately treated. It is, therefore, unpardonable to +rush about in a quadrille, to catch hold of a lady's hand as if it were +a door-handle, or to drag her furiously across the room, as if you were +Bluebeard and she Fatima, with the mysterious closet opposite to you. +This _brusque_ violent style of dancing is, unfortunately, common, but +immediately stamps a man. Though I would not have you wear a perpetual +simper, you should certainly smile when you take a lady's hand, and the +old custom of bowing in doing so, is one that we may regret; for, does +she not confer an honor on us by the action? To squeeze it, on the +other hand, is a gross familiarity, for which you would deserve to be +kicked out of the room. + +"'Steps,' as the _chasser_ of the quadrille is called, belong to a past +age, and even ladies are now content to walk through a quadrille. It is, +however, necessary to keep time with the music, the great object being +the general harmony. To preserve this, it is also advisable, where the +quadrille, as is now generally the case, is danced by two long lines of +couples down the room, that in _l't_, and other figures, in which a +gentleman and lady advance alone to meet one another, none but gentlemen +should advance from the one side, and, therefore, none but ladies from +the other. + +"Dancing masters find it convenient to introduce new figures, and the +fashion of _La Trnise_ and the _Grande Ronde_ is repeatedly changing. +It is wise to know the last mode, but not to insist on dancing it. A +quadrille cannot go on evenly if any confusion arises from the +ignorance, obstinacy, or inattention of any one of the dancers. It is +therefore useful to know every way in which a figure may be danced, and +to take your cue from the others. It is amusing, however, to find how +even such a trifle as a choice of figures in a quadrille can help to +mark caste, and give a handle for supercilious sneers. Jones, the other +day, was protesting that the Browns were 'vulgar.' 'Why so? they are +well-bred.' 'Yes, so they are.' 'They are well-informed.' 'Certainly.' +'They are polite, speak good English, dress quietly and well, are +graceful and even elegant.' 'I grant you all that.' 'Then what fault can +you find with them?' 'My dear fellow, they are people who gallop round +in the last figure of a quadrille,' he replied, triumphantly. But to a +certain extent Jones is right. Where a choice is given, the man of taste +will always select for a quadrille (as it is a conversational dance) the +quieter mode of performing a figure, and so the Browns, if perfect in +other respects, at least were wanting in taste. There is one alteration +lately introduced from France, which I sincerely trust, will be +universally accepted. The farce of that degrading little performance +called 'setting'--where you dance before your partner somewhat like Man +Friday before Robinson Crusoe, and then as if your feelings were +overcome, seize her hands and whirl her round--has been finally +abolished by a decree of Fashion, and thus more opportunity is given for +conversation, and in a crowded room you have no occasion to crush +yourself and partner between the couples on each side of you. + +"I do not attempt to deny that the quadrille, as now walked, is +ridiculous; the figures, which might be graceful, if performed in a +lively manner, have entirely lost their spirit, and are become a +burlesque of dancing; but, at the same time, it is a most valuable +dance. Old and young, stout and thin, good dancers and bad, lazy and +active, stupid and clever, married and single, can all join in it, and +have not only an excuse and opportunity for _tte--tte_ conversation, +which is decidedly the easiest, but find encouragement in the music, and +in some cases convenient breaks in the necessity of dancing. A person of +few ideas has time to collect them while the partner is performing, and +one of many can bring them out with double effect. Lastly, if you wish +to be polite or friendly to an acquaintance who dances atrociously, you +can select a quadrille for him or her, as the case may be. + +"Very different in object and principle are the so-called round dances, +and there are great limitations as to those who should join in them. +Here the intention is to enjoy a peculiar physical movement under +peculiar conditions, and the conversation during the intervals of rest +is only a secondary object. These dances demand activity and lightness, +and should therefore be, as a rule, confined to the young. An old man +sacrifices all his dignity in a polka, and an old woman is ridiculous in +a waltz. Corpulency, too, is generally a great impediment, though some +stout people prove to be the lightest dancers. + +"The morality of round dances scarcely comes within my province. They +certainly can be made very indelicate; so can any dance, and the French +_cancan_ proves that the quadrille is no safer in this respect than the +waltz. But it is a gross insult to our daughters and sisters to suppose +them capable of any but the most innocent and purest enjoyment in the +dance, while of our young men I will say, that to the pure all things +are pure. Those who see harm in it, are those in whose mind evil +thoughts must have arisen. _Honi soit qui mal y pense._ Those who rail +against dancing are perhaps not aware that they do but follow in the +steps of the Romish Church. In many parts of the Continent, bishops who +have never danced in their lives, and perhaps never seen a dance, have +laid a ban of excommunication on waltzing. A story was told to me in +Normandy of the worthy Bishop of Bayeux, one of this number. A priest +of his diocese petitioned him to put down round dances. 'I know nothing +about them,' replied the prelate, 'I have never seen a waltz.' Upon this +the younger ecclesiastic attempted to explain what it was and wherein +the danger lay, but the bishop could not see it. 'Will Monseigneur +permit me to show him?' asked the priest. 'Certainly. My chaplain here +appears to understand the subject; let me see you two waltz.' How the +reverend gentlemen came to know so much about it does not appear, but +they certainly danced a polka, a gallop, and a _trois-temps_ waltz. 'All +these seem harmless enough.' 'Oh! but Monseigneur has not seen the +worst;' and thereupon the two gentlemen proceeded to flounder through a +_valse deux-temps_. They must have murdered it terribly, for they were +not half round the room when his Lordship cried out, 'Enough, enough, +that is atrocious, and deserves excommunication.' Accordingly this waltz +was forbid, while the other dances were allowed. I was at a public ball +at Caen soon after this occurrence, and was amused to find the +_trois-temps_ danced with a peculiar shuffle, by way of compromise +between conscience and pleasure. + +"There are people in this country whose logic is as good as that of the +Bishop of Bayeux, but I confess my inability to understand it. If there +is impropriety in round dances, there is the same in all. But to the +waltz, which poets have praised and preachers denounced. The French, +with all their love of danger, waltz atrociously, the English but little +better; the Germans and Russians alone understand it. I could rave +through three pages about the innocent enjoyment of a good waltz, its +grace and beauty, but I will be practical instead, and give you a few +hints on the subject. + +"The position is the most important point. The lady and gentleman before +starting should stand exactly opposite to one another, quite upright, +and not, as is so common, painfully close to one another. If the man's +hand be placed where it should be, at the centre of the lady's waist, +and not all round it, he will have as firm a hold and not be obliged to +stoop, or bend to his right. The lady's head should then be turned a +little towards her left shoulder, and her partner's somewhat less +towards his right, in order to preserve the proper balance. Nothing can +be more atrocious than to see a lady lay her head on her partner's +shoulder; but, on the other hand, she will not dance well, if she turns +it in the opposite direction. The lady again should throw her head and +shoulders a little back, and the man lean a very little forward. + +"The position having been gained, the step is the next question. In +Germany the rapidity of the waltz is very great, but it is rendered +elegant by slackening the pace every now and then, and thus giving a +_crescendo_ and _decrescendo_ time to the movement. The Russian men +undertake to perform in waltzing the same feat as the Austrians in +riding, and will dance round the room with a glass of champagne in the +left hand without spilling a drop. This evenness in waltzing is +certainly very graceful, but can only be attained by a long sliding +step, which is little practised where the rooms are small, and people, +not understanding the real pleasure of dancing well, insist on dancing +all at the same time. In Germany they are so alive to the necessity of +ample space, that in large balls a rope is drawn across the room; its +two ends are held by the masters of the ceremonies _pro-tem._, and as +one couple stops and retires, another is allowed to pass under the rope +and take its place. But then in Germany they dance for the dancing's +sake. However this may be, an even motion is very desirable, and all the +abominations which militate against it, such as hop-waltzes, the +Schottische, and ridiculous _Varsovienne_, are justly put down in good +society. The pace, again, should not be sufficiently rapid to endanger +other couples. It is the gentleman's duty to _steer_, and in crowded +rooms nothing is more trying. He must keep his eyes open and turn them +in every direction, if he would not risk a collision, and the chance of +a fall, or what is as bad, the infliction of a wound on his partner's +arm. I have seen a lady's arm cut open in such a collision by the +bracelet of that of another lady; and the sight is by no means a +pleasant one in a ball room, to say nothing of a new dress covered in a +moment with blood. + +"The consequences of violent dancing may be really serious. Not only do +delicate girls bring on, thereby, a violent palpitation of the heart, +and their partners appear in a most disagreeable condition of solution, +but dangerous falls ensue from it. I have known instances of a lady's +head being laid open, and a gentleman's foot being broken in such a +fall, resulting, poor fellow! in lameness for life. + +"It is, perhaps, useless to recommend flat-foot waltzing in this +country, where ladies allow themselves to be almost hugged by their +partners, and where men think it necessary to lift a lady almost off the +ground, but I am persuaded that if it were introduced, the outcry +against the impropriety of waltzing would soon cease. Nothing can be +more delicate than the way in which a German holds his partner. It is +impossible to dance on the flat foot unless the lady and gentleman are +quite free of one another. His hand, therefore, goes no further round +her waist than to the hooks and eyes of her dress, hers, no higher than +to his elbow. Thus danced, the waltz is smooth, graceful, and delicate, +and we could never in Germany complain of our daughter's languishing on +a young man's shoulder. On the other hand, nothing is more graceless and +absurd than to see a man waltzing on the tips of his toes, lifting his +partner off the ground, or twirling round and round with her like the +figures on a street organ. The test of waltzing in time is to be able to +stamp the time with the left foot. A good flat-foot waltzer can dance on +one foot as well as on two, but I would not advise him to try it in +public, lest, like Mr. Rarey's horse on three legs, he should come to +the ground in a luckless moment. The legs should be very little bent in +dancing, the body still less so. I do not know whether it be worse to +see a man _sit down_ in a waltz, or to find him with his head poked +forward over your young wife's shoulder, hot, red, wild, and in far too +close proximity to the partner of your bosom, whom he makes literally +the partner of his own. + +"The 'Lancers' are a revival, after many long years, and, perhaps, we +may soon have a drawing-room adaptation of the Morris-dance. + +"The only advice, therefore, which it is necessary to give to those who +wish to dance the polka may be summed up in one word, 'don't.' Not so +with the galop. The remarks as to the position in waltzing apply to all +round dances, and there is, therefore, little to add with regard to the +galop, except that it is a great mistake to suppose it to be a rapid +dance. It should be danced as slowly as possible. It will then be more +graceful and less fatiguing. It is danced quite slowly in Germany and on +the flat foot. The polka-mazurka is still much danced, and is certainly +very graceful. The remarks on the quadrille apply equally to the +lancers, which are great favorites, and threaten to take the place of +the former. The schottische, hop-waltz, redowa, varsovienne, cellarius, +and so forth, have had their day, and are no longer danced in good +society. + +"The calm ease which marks the man of good taste, makes even the +swiftest dances graceful and agreeable. Vehemence may be excused at an +election, but not in a ball room. I once asked a beautiful and very +clever young lady how she, who seemed to pass her life with books, +managed to dance so well. 'I enjoy it,' she replied; 'and when I dance I +give my _whole mind_ to it.' And she was quite right. Whatever is worth +doing at all, is worth doing well; and if it is not beneath your dignity +to dance, it is not unworthy of your mind to give itself, for the time, +wholly up to it. You will never enjoy dancing till you do it well; and, +if you do not enjoy it, it is folly to dance. But, in reality, dancing, +if it be a mere trifle, is one to which great minds have not been +ashamed to stoop. Locke, for instance, has written on its utility, and +speaks of it as manly, which was certainly not Michal's opinion, when +she looked out of the window and saw her lord and master dancing and +playing. Plato recommended it, and Socrates learned the Athenian polka +of the day when quite an old gentleman, and liked it very much. Some one +has even gone the length of calling it 'the logic of the body;' and +Addison defends himself for making it the subject of a disquisition." + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +DRESS. + + +Between the sloven and the coxcomb there is generally a competition +which shall be the more contemptible: the one in the total neglect of +every thing which might make his appearance in public supportable, and +the other in the cultivation of every superfluous ornament. The former +offends by his negligence and dirt, and the latter by his finery and +perfumery. Each entertains a supreme contempt for the other, and while +both are right in their opinion, both are wrong in their practice. It is +not in either extreme that the man of real elegance and refinement will +be shown, but in the happy medium which allows taste and judgment to +preside over the wardrobe and toilet-table, while it prevents too great +an attention to either, and never allows personal appearance to become +the leading object of life. + +The French have a proverb, "It is not the cowl which makes the monk," +and it might be said with equal truth, "It is not the dress which makes +the gentleman," yet, as the monk is known abroad by his cowl, so the +true gentleman will let the refinement of his mind and education be seen +in his dress. + +The first rule for the guidance of a man, in matters of dress, should +be, "Let the dress suit the occasion." It is as absurd for a man to go +into the street in the morning with his dress-coat, white kid gloves, +and dancing-boots, as it would be for a lady to promenade the +fashionable streets, in full evening dress, or for the same man to +present himself in the ball-room with heavy walking-boots, a great coat, +and riding-cap. + +It is true that there is little opportunity for a gentleman to exercise +his taste for coloring, in the black and white dress which fashion so +imperatively declares to be the proper dress for a _dress_ occasion. He +may indulge in light clothes in the street during the warm months of the +year, but for the ball or evening party, black and white are the only +colors (or no colors) admissible, and in the midst of the gay dresses of +the ladies, the unfortunate man in his sombre dress appears like a demon +who has found his way into Paradise among the angels. _N'importe!_ Men +should be useful to the women, and how can they be better employed than +acting as a foil for their loveliness of face and dress! + +Notwithstanding the dress, however, a man may make himself agreeable, +even in the earthly Paradise, a ball-room. He can rise above the +mourning of his coat, to the joyousness of the occasion, and make +himself valued for himself, not his dress. He can make himself admired +for his wit, not his toilette; his elegance and refinement, not the +price of his clothes. + +There is another good rule for the dressing-room: While you are engaged +in dressing give your whole attention to it. See that every detail is +perfect, and that each article is neatly arranged. From the curl of +your hair to the tip of your boot, let all be perfect in its make and +arrangement, but, as soon as you have left your mirror, forget your +dress. Nothing betokens the coxcomb more decidedly than to see a man +always fussing about his dress, pulling down his wristbands, playing +with his moustache, pulling up his shirt collar, or arranging the bow of +his cravat. Once dressed, do not attempt to alter any part of your +costume until you are again in the dressing-room. + +In a gentleman's dress any attempt to be conspicuous is in excessively +bad taste. If you are wealthy, let the luxury of your dress consist in +the fine quality of each article, and in the spotless purity of gloves +and linen, but never wear much jewelry or any article conspicuous on +account of its money value. Simplicity should always preside over the +gentleman's wardrobe. + +Follow fashion as far as is necessary to avoid eccentricity or oddity in +your costume, but avoid the extreme of the prevailing _mode_. If coats +are worn long, yours need not sweep the ground, if they are loose, yours +may still have some fitness for your figure; if pantaloons are cut large +over the boot, yours need not cover the whole foot, if they are tight, +you may still take room to walk. Above all, let your figure and style of +face have some weight in deciding how far you are to follow fashion. For +a very tall man to wear a high, narrow-brimmed hat, long-tailed coat, +and tight pantaloons, with a pointed beard and hair brushed up from the +forehead, is not more absurd than for a short, fat man, to promenade the +street in a low, broad-brimmed hat, loose coat and pants, and the +latter made of large plaid material, and yet burlesques quite as broad +may be met with every day. + +An English writer, ridiculing the whims of Fashion, says:-- + +"To be in the fashion, an Englishman must wear six pairs of gloves in a +day: + +"In the morning, he must drive his hunting wagon in reindeer gloves. + +"In hunting, he must wear gloves of chamois skin. + +"To enter London in his tilbury, beaver skin gloves. + +"Later in the day, to promenade in Hyde Park, colored kid gloves, dark. + +"When he dines out, colored kid gloves, light. + +"For the ball-room, white kid gloves." + +Thus his yearly bill for gloves alone will amount to a most extravagant +sum. + +In order to merit the appellation of a well-dressed man, you must pay +attention, not only to the more prominent articles of your wardrobe, +coat, pants, and vest, but to the more minute details. A shirtfront +which fits badly, a pair of wristbands too wide or too narrow, a badly +brushed hat, a shabby pair of gloves, or an ill-fitting boot, will spoil +the most elaborate costume. Purity of skin, teeth, nails; well brushed +hair; linen fresh and snowy white, will make clothes of the coarsest +material, if well made, look more elegant, than the finest material of +cloth, if these details are neglected. + +Frequent bathing, careful attention to the teeth, nails, ears, and hair, +are indispensable to a finished toilette. + +Use but very little perfume, much of it is in bad taste. + +Let your hair, beard, and moustache, be always perfectly smooth, well +arranged, and scrupulously clean. + +It is better to clean the teeth with a piece of sponge, or very soft +brush, than with a stiff brush, and there is no dentifrice so good as +White Castile Soap. + +Wear always gloves and boots, which fit well and are fresh and whole. +Soiled or torn gloves and boots ruin a costume otherwise faultless. + +Extreme propriety should be observed in dress. Be careful to dress +according to your means. Too great saving is meanness, too great expense +is extravagance. + +A young man may follow the fashion farther than a middle-aged or elderly +man, but let him avoid going to the extreme of the mode, if he would not +be taken for an empty headed fop. + +It is best to employ a good tailor, as a suit of coarse broadcloth which +fits you perfectly, and is stylish in cut, will make a more elegant +dress than the finest material badly made. + +Avoid eccentricity; it marks, not the man of genius, but the fool. + +A well brushed hat, and glossy boots must be always worn in the street. + +White gloves are the only ones to be worn with full dress. + +A snuff box, watch, studs, sleeve-buttons, watch-chain, and one ring are +all the jewelry a well-dressed man can wear. + +An English author, in a recent work, gives the following rules for a +gentleman's dress: + +"The best bath for general purposes, and one which can do little harm, +and almost always some good, is a sponge bath. It should consist of a +large, flat metal basin, some four feet in diameter, filled with cold +water. Such a vessel may be bought for about fifteen shillings. A large, +coarse sponge--the coarser the better--will cost another five or seven +shillings, and a few Turkish towels complete the 'properties.' The water +should be plentiful and fresh, that is, brought up a little while before +the bath is to be used; not placed over night in the bed-room. Let us +wash and be merry, for we know not how soon the supply of that precious +article which here costs nothing may be cut off. In many continental +towns they buy their water, and on a protracted sea voyage the ration is +often reduced to half a pint a day _for all purposes_, so that a pint +per diem is considered luxurious. Sea-water, we may here observe, does +not cleanse, and a sensible man who bathes in the sea will take a bath +of pure water immediately after it. This practice is shamefully +neglected, and I am inclined to think that in many cases a sea-bath will +do more harm than good without it, but, if followed by a fresh bath, +cannot but be advantageous. + +"Taking the sponge bath as the best for ordinary purposes, we must point +out some rules in its use. The sponge being nearly a foot in length, and +six inches broad, must be allowed to fill completely with water, and the +part of the body which should be first attacked is the stomach. It is +there that the most heat has collected during the night, and the +application of cold water quickens the circulation at once, and sends +the blood which has been employed in digestion round the whole body. The +head should next be soused, unless the person be of full habit, when the +head should be attacked before the feet touch the cold water at all. +Some persons use a small hand shower bath, which is less powerful than +the common shower bath, and does almost as much good. The use of soap in +the morning bath is an open question. I confess a preference for a rough +towel, or a hair glove. Brummell patronized the latter, and applied it +for nearly a quarter of an hour every morning. + +"The ancients followed up the bath by anointing the body, and athletic +exercises. The former is a mistake; the latter, an excellent practice, +shamefully neglected in the present day. It would conduce much to health +and strength if every morning toilet comprised the vigorous use of the +dumb-bells, or, still better, the exercise of the arms without them. The +best plan of all is, to choose some object in your bed-room on which to +vent your hatred, and box at it violently for some ten minutes, till the +perspiration covers you. The sponge must then be again applied to the +whole body. It is very desirable to remain without clothing as long as +possible, and I should therefore recommend that every part of the toilet +which can conveniently be performed without dressing, should be so. + +"The next duty, then, must be to clean the TEETH. Dentists are modern +inquisitors, but their torture-rooms are meant only for the foolish. +Everybody is born with good teeth, and everybody might keep them good by +a proper diet, and the avoidance of sweets and smoking. Of the two the +former are, perhaps, the more dangerous. Nothing ruins the teeth so soon +as sugar in one's tea, and highly sweetened tarts and puddings, and as +it is _le premier pas qui cote_, these should be particularly avoided +in childhood. When the teeth attain their full growth and strength it +takes much more to destroy either their enamel or their substance. + +"It is upon the teeth that the effects of excess are first seen, and it +is upon the teeth that the odor of the breath depends. If I may not say +that it is a Christian duty to keep your teeth clean, I may, at least, +remind you that you cannot be thoroughly agreeable without doing so. Let +words be what they may, if they come with an impure odor, they cannot +please. The butterfly loves the scent of the rose more than its honey. + +"The teeth should be well rubbed inside as well as outside, and the back +teeth even more than the front. The mouth should then be rinsed, if not +seven times, according to the Hindu legislator, at least several times, +with fresh, cold water. This same process should be repeated several +times a day, since eating, smoking, and so forth, naturally render the +teeth and mouth dirty more or less, and nothing can be so offensive, +particularly to ladies, whose sense of smell seems to be keener than +that of the other sex, and who can detect at your first approach whether +you have been drinking or smoking. But, if only for your own comfort, +you should brush your teeth both morning and evening, which is quite +requisite for the preservation of their soundness and color; while, if +you are to mingle with others, they should be brushed, or, at least, +the mouth well rinsed after every meal, still more after smoking, or +drinking wine, beer, or spirits. No amount of general attractiveness can +compensate for an offensive odor in the breath; and none of the senses +is so fine a gentleman, none so unforgiving, if offended, as that of +smell. + +"Strict attention must be paid to the condition of the nails, and that +both as regards cleaning and cutting. The former is best done with a +liberal supply of soap on a small nail-brush, which should be used +before every meal, if you would not injure your neighbor's appetite. +While the hand is still moist, the point of a small pen-knife or pair of +stumpy nail-scissors should be passed under the nails so as to remove +every vestige of dirt; the skin should be pushed down with a towel, that +the white half-moon may be seen, and the finer skin removed with the +knife or scissors. Occasionally the edges of the nails should be filed, +and the hard skin which forms round the corners of them cut away. The +important point in cutting the nails is to preserve the beauty of their +shape. That beauty, even in details, is worth preserving, I have already +remarked, and we may study it as much in paring our nails, as in the +grace of our attitudes, or any other point. The shape, then, of the nail +should approach, as nearly as possible, to the oblong. The length of the +nail is an open question. Let it be often cut, but always long, in my +opinion. Above all, let it be well cut, and _never_ bitten. + +"Perhaps you tell me these are childish details. Details, yes, but not +childish. The attention to details is the true sign of a great mind, and +he who can in necessity consider the smallest, is the same man who can +compass the largest subjects. Is not life made up of details? Must not +the artist who has conceived a picture, descend from the dream of his +mind to mix colors on a palette? Must not the great commander who is +bowling down nations and setting up monarchies care for the health and +comfort, the bread and beef of each individual soldier? I have often +seen a great poet, whom I knew personally, counting on his fingers the +feet of his verses, and fretting with anything but poetic language, +because he could not get his sense into as many syllables. What if his +nails were dirty? Let genius talk of abstract beauty, and philosophers +dogmatize on order. If they do not keep their nails clean, I shall call +them both charlatans. The man who really loves beauty will cultivate it +in everything around him. The man who upholds order is not conscientious +if he cannot observe it in his nails. The great mind can afford to +descend to details; it is only the weak mind that fears to be narrowed +by them. When Napoleon was at Munich he declined the grand four-poster +of the Witelsbach family, and slept, as usual, in his little camp-bed. +The power to be little is a proof of greatness. + +"For the hands, ears, and neck we want something more than the bath, +and, as these parts are exposed and really lodge fugitive pollutions, we +cannot use too much soap, or give too much trouble to their complete +purification. Nothing is lovelier than a woman's small, white, +shell-like ear; few things reconcile us better to earth than the cold +hand and warm heart of a friend; but, to complete the charm, the hand +should be both clean and soft. Warm water, a liberal use of the +nail-brush, and no stint of soap, produce this amenity far more +effectually than honey, cold cream, and almond paste. Of wearing gloves +I shall speak elsewhere, but for weak people who are troubled with +chilblains, they are indispensable all the year round. I will add a good +prescription for the cure of chilblains, which are both a disfigurement, +and one of the _petites misres_ of human life. + +"'Roll the fingers in linen bandages, sew them up well, and dip them +twice or thrice a day in a mixture, consisting of half a fluid ounce of +tincture of capsicum, and a fluid ounce of tincture of opium.' + +"The person who invented razors libelled Nature, and added a fresh +misery to the days of man. + +"Whatever _Punch_ may say, the moustache and beard movement is one in +the right direction, proving that men are beginning to appreciate beauty +and to acknowledge that Nature is the best valet. But it is very amusing +to hear men excusing their vanity on the plea of health, and find them +indulging in the hideous 'Newgate frill' as a kind of compromise between +the beard and the razor. There was a time when it was thought a +presumption and vanity to wear one's own hair instead of the frightful +elaborations of the wig-makers, and the false curls which Sir Godfrey +Kneller did his best to make graceful on canvas. Who knows that at some +future age some _Punch_ of the twenty-first century may not ridicule the +wearing of one's own teeth instead of the dentist's? At any rate Nature +knows best, and no man need be ashamed of showing his manhood in the +hair of his face. Of razors and shaving, therefore, I shall only speak +from necessity, because, until everybody is sensible on this point, they +will still be used. + +"Napoleon shaved himself. 'A born king,' said he, 'has another to shave +him. A made king can use his own razor.' But the war he made on his chin +was very different to that he made on foreign potentates. He took a very +long time to effect it, talking between whiles to his hangers-on. The +great man, however, was right, and every sensible man will shave +himself, if only as an exercise of character, for a man should learn to +live, in every detail without assistance. Moreover, in most cases, we +shave ourselves better than barbers can do. If we shave at all, we +should do it thoroughly, and every morning. Nothing, except a frown and +a hay-fever, makes the face look so unlovely as a chin covered with +short stubble. The chief requirements are hot water, a large, soft brush +of badger hair, a good razor, soft soap that will not dry rapidly, and a +steady hand. Cheap razors are a fallacy. They soon lose their edge, and +no amount of stropping will restore it. A good razor needs no strop. If +you can afford it, you should have a case of seven razors, one for each +day of the week, so that no one shall be too much used. There are now +much used packets of papers of a certain kind on which to wipe the +razor, and which keep its edge keen, and are a substitute for the strop. + +"Beards, moustaches, and whiskers, have always been most important +additions to the face. In the present day literary men are much given to +their growth, and in that respect show at once their taste and their +vanity. Let no man be ashamed of his beard, if it be well kept and not +fantastically cut. The moustache should be kept within limits. The +Hungarians wear it so long that they can tie the ends round their heads. +The style of the beard should be adopted to suit the face. A broad face +should wear a large, full one; a long face is improved by a +sharp-pointed one. Taylor, the water poet, wrote verses on the various +styles, and they are almost numberless. The chief point is to keep the +beard well-combed and in neat trim. + +"As to whiskers, it is not every man who can achieve a pair of full +length. There is certainly a great vanity about them, but it may be +generally said that foppishness should be avoided in this as in most +other points. Above all, the whiskers should never be curled, nor pulled +out to an absurd length. Still worse is it to cut them close with the +scissors. The moustache should be neat and not too large, and such +fopperies as cutting the points thereof, or twisting them up to the +fineness of needles--though patronized by the Emperor of the French--are +decidedly a proof of vanity. If a man wear the hair on his face which +nature has given him, in the manner that nature distributes it, keeps it +clean, and prevents its overgrowth, he cannot do wrong. All +extravagances are vulgar, because they are evidence of a pretence to +being better than you are; but a single extravagance unsupported is +perhaps worse than a number together, which have at least the merit of +consistency. If you copy puppies in the half-yard of whisker, you should +have their dress and their manner too, if you would not appear doubly +absurd. + +"The same remarks apply to the arrangement of the hair in men, which +should be as simple and as natural as possible, but at the same time a +little may be granted to beauty and the requirements of the face. For my +part I can see nothing unmanly in wearing long hair, though undoubtedly +it is inconvenient and a temptation to vanity, while its arrangement +would demand an amount of time and attention which is unworthy of a man. +But every nation and every age has had a different custom in this +respect, and to this day even in Europe the hair is sometimes worn long. +The German student is particularly partial to hyacinthine locks curling +over a black velvet coat; and the peasant of Brittany looks very +handsome, if not always clean, with his love-locks hanging straight down +under a broad cavalier hat. Religion has generally taken up the matter +severely. The old fathers preached and railed against wigs, the +Calvinists raised an insurrection in Bordeaux on the same account, and +English Roundheads consigned to an unmentionable place every man who +allowed his hair to grow according to nature. The Romans condemned +tresses as unmanly, and in France in the middle ages the privilege to +wear them was confined to royalty. Our modern custom was a revival of +the French revolution, so that in this respect we are now republican as +well as puritanical. + +"If we conform to fashion we should at least make the best of it, and +since the main advantage of short hair is its neatness, we should take +care to keep ours neat. This should be done first by frequent visits to +the barber, for if the hair is to be short at all it should be very +short, and nothing looks more untidy than long, stiff, uncurled masses +sticking out over the ears. If it curls naturally so much the better, +but if not it will be easier to keep in order. The next point is to wash +the head every morning, which, when once habitual, is a great +preservative against cold. A pair of large brushes, hard or soft, as +your case requires, should be used, not to hammer the head with, but to +pass up under the hair so as to reach the roots. As to pomatum, +Macassar, and other inventions of the hair-dresser, I have only to say +that, if used at all, it should be in moderation, and never sufficiently +to make their scent perceptible in company. Of course the arrangement +will be a matter of individual taste, but as the middle of the hair is +the natural place for a parting, it is rather a silly prejudice to think +a man vain who parts his hair in the centre. He is less blamable than +one who is too lazy to part it at all, and has always the appearance of +having just got up. + +"Of wigs and false hair, the subject of satires and sermons since the +days of the Roman Emperors, I shall say nothing here except that they +are a practical falsehood which may sometimes be necessary, but is +rarely successful. For my part I prefer the snows of life's winter to +the best made peruke, and even a bald head to an inferior wig. + +"When gentlemen wore armor, and disdained the use of their legs, an +esquire was a necessity; and we can understand that, in the days of the +Beaux, the word "gentleman" meant a man and his valet. I am glad to say +that in the present day it only takes one man to make a gentleman, or, +at most, a man and a ninth--that is, including the tailor. It is an +excellent thing for the character to be neat and orderly, and, if a man +neglects to be so in his room, he is open to the same temptation sooner +or later in his person. A dressing-case is, therefore, a desideratum. A +closet to hang up cloth clothes, which should never be folded, and a +small dressing-room next to the bed-room, are not so easily attainable. +But the man who throws his clothes about the room, a boot in one corner, +a cravat in another, and his brushes anywhere, is not a man of good +habits. The spirit of order should extend to everything about him. + +"This brings me to speak of certain necessities of dress; the first of +which I shall take is appropriateness. The age of the individual is an +important consideration in this respect; and a man of sixty is as absurd +in the style of nineteen as a young man in the high cravat of Brummell's +day. I know a gallant colonel who is master of the ceremonies in a gay +watering-place, and who, afraid of the prim old-fashioned _tournure_ of +his _confrres_ in similar localities, is to be seen, though his hair is +gray and his age not under five-and-sixty, in a light cut-away, the +'peg-top' continuations, and a turned-down collar. It may be what +younger blades will wear when they reach his age, but in the present day +the effect is ridiculous. We may, therefore, give as a general rule, +that after the turning-point of life a man should eschew the changes of +fashion in his own attire, while he avoids complaining of it in the +young. In the latter, on the other hand, the observance of these changes +must depend partly on his taste and partly on his position. If wise, he +will adopt with alacrity any new fashions which improve the grace, the +ease, the healthfulness, and the convenience of his garments. He will +be glad of greater freedom in the cut of his cloth clothes, of boots +with elastic sides instead of troublesome buttons or laces, of the +privilege to turn down his collar, and so forth, while he will avoid as +extravagant, elaborate shirt-fronts, gold bindings on the waistcoat, and +expensive buttons. On the other hand, whatever his age, he will have +some respect to his profession and position in society. He will remember +how much the appearance of the man aids a judgment of his character, and +this test, which has often been cried down, is in reality no bad one; +for a man who does not dress appropriately evinces a want of what is +most necessary to professional men--tact and discretion. + +"Position in society demands appropriateness. Well knowing the worldly +value of a good coat, I would yet never recommend a man of limited means +to aspire to a fashionable appearance. In the first place, he becomes +thereby a walking falsehood; in the second, he cannot, without running +into debt, which is another term for dishonesty, maintain the style he +has adopted. As he cannot afford to change his suits as rapidly as +fashion alters, he must avoid following it in varying details. He will +rush into wide sleeves one month, in the hope of being fashionable, and +before his coat is worn out, the next month will bring in a narrow +sleeve. We cannot, unfortunately, like Samuel Pepys, take a long cloak +now-a-days to the tailor's, to be cut into a short one, 'long cloaks +being now quite out,' as he tells us. Even when there is no poverty in +the case, our position must not be forgotten. The tradesman will win +neither customers nor friends by adorning himself in the mode of the +club-lounger, and the clerk, or commercial traveler, who dresses +fashionably, lays himself open to inquiries as to his antecedents, which +he may not care to have investigated. In general, it may be said that +there is vulgarity in dressing like those of a class above us, since it +must be taken as a proof of pretension. + +"As it is bad taste to flaunt the airs of the town among the +provincials, who know nothing of them, it is worse taste to display the +dress of a city in the quiet haunts of the rustics. The law, that all +attempts at distinction by means of dress is vulgar and pretentious, +would be sufficient argument against wearing city fashions in the +country. + +"While in most cases a rougher and easier mode of dress is both +admissible and desirable in the country, there are many occasions of +country visiting where a town man finds it difficult to decide. It is +almost peculiar to the country to unite the amusements of the daytime +with those of the evening; of the open air with those of the +drawing-room. Thus, in the summer, when the days are long, you will be +asked to a pic-nic or an archery party, which will wind up with dancing +in-doors, and may even assume the character of a ball. If you are aware +of this beforehand, it will always be safe to send your evening dress to +your host's house, and you will learn from the servants whether others +have done the same, and whether, therefore, you will not be singular in +asking leave to change your costume. But if you are ignorant how the day +is to end, you must be guided partly by the hour of invitation, and +partly by the extent of your intimacy with the family. I have actually +known gentlemen arrive at a large pic-nic at mid-day in complete evening +dress, and pitied them with all my heart, compelled as they were to +suffer, in tight black clothes, under a hot sun for eight hours, and +dance after all in the same dress. On the other hand, if you are asked +to come an hour or two before sunset, after six in summer, in the autumn +after five, you cannot err by appearing in evening dress. It is always +taken as a compliment to do so, and if your acquaintance with your +hostess is slight, it would be almost a familiarity to do otherwise. In +any case you desire to avoid singularity, so that if you can discover +what others who are invited intend to wear, you can always decide on +your own attire. In Europe there is a convenient rule for these matters; +never appear after four in the afternoon in morning dress; but then gray +trousers are there allowed instead of black, and white waistcoats are +still worn in the evening. At any rate, it is possible to effect a +compromise between the two styles of costume, and if you are likely to +be called upon to dance in the evening, it will be well to wear thin +boots, a black frock-coat, and a small black neck-tie, and to put a pair +of clean white gloves in your pocket. You will thus be at least less +conspicuous in the dancing-room than in a light tweed suit. + +"Not so the distinction to be made according to size. As a rule, tall +men require long clothes--some few perhaps even in the nurse's sense of +those words--and short men short clothes. On the other hand, Falstaff +should beware of Jenny Wren coats and affect ample wrappers, while Peter +Schlemihl, and the whole race of thin men, must eschew looseness as +much in their garments as their morals. + +"Lastly we come to what is appropriate to different occasions, and as +this is an important subject, I shall treat of it separately. For the +present it is sufficient to point out that, while every man should avoid +not only extravagance, but even brilliance of dress on ordinary +occasions, there are some on which he may and ought to pay more +attention to his toilet, and attempt to look gay. Of course, the +evenings are not here meant. For evening dress there is a fixed rule, +from which we can depart only to be foppish or vulgar; but in morning +dress there is greater liberty, and when we undertake to mingle with +those who are assembled avowedly for gayety, we should not make +ourselves remarkable by the dinginess of our dress. Such occasions are +open air entertainments, _ftes_, flower-shows, archery-meetings, +_matines_, and _id genus omne_, where much of the pleasure to be +derived depends on the general effect on the enjoyers, and where, if we +cannot pump up a look of mirth, we should, at least, if we go at all, +wear the semblance of it in our dress. I have a worthy little friend, +who, I believe, is as well disposed to his kind as Lord Shaftesbury +himself, but who, for some reason, perhaps a twinge of philosophy about +him, frequents the gay meetings to which he is asked in an old coat and +a wide-awake. Some people take him for a wit, but he soon shows that he +does not aspire to that character; others for a philosopher, but he is +too good-mannered for that; others, poor man! pronounce him a cynic, and +all are agreed that whatever he may be, he looks out of place, and +spoils the general effect. I believe, in my heart, that he is the +mildest of men, but will not take the trouble to dress more than once a +day. At any rate, he has a character for eccentricity, which, I am sure, +is precisely what he would wish to avoid. That character is a most +delightful one for a bachelor, and it is generally Coelebs who holds it, +for it has been proved by statistics that there are four single to one +married man among the inhabitants of our madhouses; but eccentricity +yields a reputation which requires something to uphold it, and even in +Diogenes of the Tub it was extremely bad taste to force himself into +Plato's evening party without sandals, and nothing but a dirty tunic on +him. + +"Another requisite in dress is its simplicity, with which I may couple +harmony of color. This simplicity is the only distinction which a man of +taste should aspire to in the matter of dress, but a simplicity in +appearance must proceed from a nicety in reality. One should not be +simply ill-dressed, but simply well-dressed. Lord Castlereagh would +never have been pronounced the most distinguished man in the gay court +of Vienna, because he wore no orders or ribbons among hundreds decorated +with a profusion of those vanities, but because besides this he was +dressed with taste. The charm of Brummell's dress was its simplicity; +yet it cost him as much thought, time, and care as the portfolio of a +minister. The rules of simplicity, therefore, are the rules of taste. +All extravagance, all splendor, and all profusion must be avoided. The +colors, in the first place, must harmonize both with our complexion and +with one another; perhaps most of all with the color of our hair. All +bright colors should be avoided, such as red, yellow, sky-blue, and +bright green. Perhaps only a successful Australian gold digger would +think of choosing such colors for his coat, waistcoat, or trousers; but +there are hundreds of young men who might select them for their gloves +and neck-ties. The deeper colors are, some how or other, more manly, and +are certainly less striking. The same simplicity should be studied in +the avoidance of ornamentation. A few years ago it was the fashion to +trim the evening waistcoat with a border of gold lace. This is an +example of fashions always to be rebelled against. Then, too, +extravagance in the form of our dress is a sin against taste. I remember +that long ribbons took the place of neck-ties some years ago. At a +commemoration, two friends of mine determined to cut a figure in this +matter, having little else to distinguish them. The one wore two yards +of bright pink; the other the same quantity of bright blue ribbon, round +their necks. I have reason to believe they think now that they both +looked superbly ridiculous. In the same way, if the trousers are worn +wide, we should not wear them as loose as a Turk's; or, if the sleeves +are to be open, we should not rival the ladies in this matter. And so on +through a hundred details, generally remembering that to exaggerate a +fashion is to assume a character, and therefore vulgar. The wearing of +jewelry comes under this head. Jewels are an ornament to women, but a +blemish to men. They bespeak either effeminacy or a love of display. The +hand of a man is honored in working, for labor is his mission; and the +hand that wears its riches on its fingers, has rarely worked honestly +to win them. The best jewel a man can wear is his honor. Let that be +bright and shining, well set in prudence, and all others must darken +before it. But as we are savages, and must have some silly trickery to +hang about us, a little, but very little concession may be made to our +taste in this respect. I am quite serious when I disadvise you from the +use of nose-rings, gold anklets, and hat-bands studded with jewels; for +when I see an incredulous young man of the nineteenth century, dangling +from his watch-chain a dozen silly 'charms' (often the only ones he +possesses), which have no other use than to give a fair coquette a +legitimate subject on which to approach to closer intimacy, and which +are revived from the lowest superstitions of dark ages, and sometimes +darker races, I am quite justified in believing that some South African +chieftain, sufficiently rich to cut a dash, might introduce with success +the most peculiar fashions of his own country. However this may be, +there are already sufficient extravagances prevalent among our young men +to attack. + +"The man of good taste will wear as little jewelry as possible. One +handsome signet-ring on the little finger of the left hand, a scarf-pin +which is neither large, nor showy, nor too intricate in its design, and +a light, rather thin watch-guard with a cross-bar, are all that he ought +to wear. But, if he aspires to more than this, he should observe the +following rules:-- + +"1. Let everything be real and good. False jewelry is not only a +practical lie, but an absolute vulgarity, since its use arises from an +attempt to appear richer or grander than its wearer is. + +"2. Let it be simple. Elaborate studs, waistcoat-buttons, and +wrist-links, are all abominable. The last, particularly, should be as +plain as possible, consisting of plain gold ovals, with, at most, the +crest engraved upon them. Diamonds and brilliants are quite unsuitable +to men, whose jewelry should never be conspicuous. If you happen to +possess a single diamond of great value you may wear it on great +occasions as a ring, but no more than one ring should ever be worn by a +gentleman. + +"3. Let it be distinguished rather by its curiosity than its brilliance. +An antique or bit of old jewelry possesses more interest, particularly +if you are able to tell its history, than the most splendid production +of the goldsmith's shop. + +"4. Let it harmonize with the colors of your dress. + +"5. Let it have some use. Men should never, like women, wear jewels for +mere ornament, whatever may be the fashion of Hungarian noblemen, and +deposed Indian rajahs with jackets covered with rubies. + +"The precious stones are reserved for ladies, and even our scarf-pins +are more suitable without them. + +"The dress that is both appropriate and simple can never offend, nor +render its wearer conspicuous, though it may distinguish him for his +good taste. But it will not be pleasing unless clean and fresh. We +cannot quarrel with a poor gentleman's thread-bare coat, if his linen be +pure, and we see that he has never attempted to dress beyond his means +or unsuitably to his station. But the sight of decayed gentility and +dilapidated fashion may call forth our pity, and, at the same time +prompt a moral: 'You have evidently sunken;' we say to ourselves; 'But +whose fault was it? Am I not led to suppose that the extravagance which +you evidently once revelled in has brought you to what I now see you?' +While freshness is essential to being well-dressed, it will be a +consolation to those who cannot afford a heavy tailor's bill, to reflect +that a visible newness in one's clothes is as bad as patches and darns, +and to remember that there have been celebrated dressers who would never +put on a new coat till it had been worn two or three times by their +valets. On the other hand, there is no excuse for untidiness, holes in +the boots, a broken hat, torn gloves, and so on. Indeed, it is better to +wear no gloves at all than a pair full of holes. There is nothing to be +ashamed of in bare hands, if they are clean, and the poor can still +afford to have their shirts and shoes mended, and their hats ironed. It +is certainly better to show signs of neatness than the reverse, and you +need sooner be ashamed of a hole than a darn. + +"Of personal cleanliness I have spoken at such length that little need +be said on that of the clothes. If you are economical with your tailor, +you can be extravagant with your laundress. The beaux of forty years +back put on three shirts a day, but except in hot weather one is +sufficient. Of course, if you change your dress in the evening you must +change your shirt too. There has been a great outcry against colored +flannel shirts in the place of linen, and the man who can wear one for +three days is looked on as little better than St. Simeon Stylites. I +should like to know how often the advocates of linen change their own +under-flannel, and whether the same rule does not apply to what is seen +as to what is concealed. But while the flannel is perhaps healthier as +absorbing the moisture more rapidly, the linen has the advantage of +_looking_ cleaner, and may therefore be preferred. As to economy, if the +flannel costs less to wash, it also wears out sooner; but, be this as it +may, a man's wardrobe is not complete without half a dozen or so of +these shirts, which he will find most useful, and ten times more +comfortable than linen in long excursions, or when exertion will be +required. Flannel, too, has the advantage of being warm in winter and +cool in summer, for, being a non-conductor, but a retainer of heat, it +protects the body from the sun, and, on the other hand, shields it from +the cold. But the best shirt of all, particularly in winter, is that +which wily monks and hermits pretended to wear for a penance, well +knowing that they could have no garment cooler, more comfortable, or +more healthy. I mean, of course, the rough hair-shirt. Like flannel, it +is a non-conductor of heat; but then, too, it acts the part of a +shampooer, and with its perpetual friction soothes the surface of the +skin, and prevents the circulation from being arrested at any one point +of the body. Though I doubt if any of my readers will take a hint from +the wisdom of the merry anchorites, they will perhaps allow me to +suggest that the next best thing to wear next the skin is flannel, and +that too of the coarsest description. + +"Quantity is better than quality in linen. Nevertheless it should be +fine and well spun. The loose cuff, which we borrowed from the French +some four years ago, is a great improvement on the old tight wrist-band, +and, indeed, it must be borne in mind that anything which binds any +part of the body tightly impedes the circulation, and is therefore +unhealthy as well as ungraceful. + +"The necessity for a large stock of linen depends on a rule far better +than Brummell's, of three shirts a day, viz:-- + +"Change your linen whenever it is at all dirty. + +"This is the best guide with regard to collars, socks, +pocket-handkerchiefs, and our under garments. No rule can be laid down +for the number we should wear per week, for everything depends on +circumstances. Thus in the country all our linen remains longer clean +than in town; in dirty, wet, or dusty weather, our socks get soon dirty +and must be changed; or, if we have a cold, to say nothing of the +possible but not probable case of tear-shedding on the departure of +friends, we shall want more than one pocket-handkerchief per diem. In +fact, the last article of modern civilization is put to so many uses, is +so much displayed, and liable to be called into action on so many +various engagements, that we should always have a clean one in our +pockets. Who knows when it may not serve us is in good stead? Who can +tell how often the corner of the delicate cambric will have to represent +a tear which, like difficult passages in novels is 'left to the +imagination.' Can a man of any feeling call on a disconsolate widow, for +instance, and listen to her woes, without at least pulling out that +expressive appendage? Can any one believe in our sympathy if the article +in question is a dirty one? There are some people who, like the clouds, +only exist to weep; and King Solomon, though not one of them, has given +them great encouragement in speaking of the house of mourning. We are +bound to weep with them, and we are bound to weep elegantly. + +"A man whose dress is neat, clean, simple, and appropriate, will pass +muster anywhere. + +"A well-dressed man does not require so much an extensive as a varied +wardrobe. He wants a different costume for every season and every +occasion; but if what he selects is simple rather than striking, he may +appear in the same clothes as often as he likes, as long as they are +fresh and appropriate to the season and the object. There are four kinds +of coats which he must have: a morning-coat, a frock-coat, a dress-coat, +and an over-coat. An economical man may do well with four of the first, +and one of each of the others per annum. The dress of a gentleman in the +present day should not cost him more than the tenth part of his income +on an average. But as fortunes vary more than position, if his income is +large it will take a much smaller proportion, if small a larger one. If +a man, however, mixes in society, and I write for those who do so, there +are some things which are indispensable to even the proper dressing, and +every occasion will have its proper attire. + +"In his own house then, and in the morning, there is no reason why he +should not wear out his old clothes. Some men take to the delightful +ease of a dressing-gown and slippers; and if bachelors, they do well. If +family men, it will probably depend on whether the lady or the gentleman +wears the pantaloons. The best walking-dress for a non-professional man +is a suit of tweed of the same color, ordinary boots, gloves not too +dark for the coat, a scarf with a pin in winter, or a small tie of one +color in summer, a respectable black hat and a cane. The last item is +perhaps the most important, and though its use varies with fashion, I +confess I am sorry when I see it go out. The best substitute for a +walking-stick is an umbrella, _not_ a parasol unless it be given you by +a lady to carry. The main point of the walking-dress is the harmony of +colors, but this should not be carried to the extent of M. de Maltzan, +who some years ago made a bet to wear nothing but pink at Baden-Baden +for a whole year, and had boots and gloves of the same lively hue. He +won his wager, but also the soubriquet of 'Le Diable enflamm.' The +walking-dress should vary according to the place and hour. In the +country or at the sea-side a straw hat or wide-awake may take the place +of the beaver, and the nuisance of gloves be even dispensed with in the +former. But in the city where a man is supposed to make visits as well +as lounge in the street, the frock coat of very dark blue or black, or a +black cloth cut-away, the white waistcoat, and lavender gloves, are +almost indispensable. Very thin boots should be avoided at all times, +and whatever clothes one wears they should be well brushed. The shirt, +whether seen or not, should be quite plain. The shirt collar should +never have a color on it, but it may be stiff or turned down according +as the wearer is Byronically or Brummellically disposed. The scarf, if +simple and of modest colors, is perhaps the best thing we can wear round +the neck; but if a neck-tie is preferred it should not be too long, nor +tied in too stiff and studied a manner. The cane should be extremely +simple, a mere stick in fact, with no gold head, and yet for the town +not rough, thick, or clumsy. The frock-coat should be ample and loose, +and a tall well-built man may throw it back. At any rate, it should +never be buttoned up. Great-coats should be buttoned up, of a dark +color, not quite black, longer than the frock-coat, but never long +enough to reach the ankles. If you have visits to make you should do +away with the great-coat, if the weather allows you to do so. The +frock-coat, or black cut-away, with a white waistcoat in summer, is the +best dress for making calls in. + +"It is simple nonsense to talk of modern civilization, and rejoice that +the cruelties of the dark ages can never be perpetrated in these days +and this country. I maintain that they are perpetrated freely, +generally, daily, with the consent of the wretched victim himself, in +the compulsion to wear evening clothes. Is there anything at once more +comfortless or more hideous? Let us begin with what the delicate call +limb-covers, which we are told were the invention of the Gauls, but I am +inclined to think, of a much worse race, for it is clearly an +anachronism to ascribe the discovery to a Venetian called Piantaleone, +and it can only have been Inquisitors or demons who inflicted this +scourge on the race of man, and his ninth-parts, the tailors, for I take +it that both are equally bothered by the tight pantaloon. Let us pause +awhile over this unsightly garment, and console ourselves with the +reflection that as every country, and almost every year, has a different +fashion in its make of it, we may at last be emancipated from it +altogether, or at least be able to wear it _ la Turque_. + +"But it is not all trousers that I rebel against. If I might wear linen +appendices in summer, and fur continuations in winter, I would not +groan, but it is the evening-dress that inflicts on the man who likes +society the necessity of wearing the same trying cloth all the year +round, so that under Boreas he catches colds, and under the dog-star he +melts. This unmentionable, but most necessary disguise of the 'human +form divine,' is one that never varies in this country, and therefore I +must lay down the rule:-- + +"For all evening wear--black cloth trousers. + +"But the tortures of evening dress do not end with our lower limbs. Of +all the iniquities perpetrated under the Reign of Terror, none has +lasted so long as that of the strait-jacket, which was palmed off on the +people as a 'habit de compagnie.' If it were necessary to sing a hymn of +praise to Robespierre, Marat, and Co., I would rather take the +guillotine as my subject to extol than the swallow tail. And yet we +endure the stiffness, unsightliness, uncomfortableness, and want of +grace of the latter, with more resignation than that with which +Charlotte Corday put her beautiful neck into the 'trou d'enfer' of the +former. Fortunately modern republicanism has triumphed over ancient +etiquette, and the tail-coat of to-day is looser and more easy than it +was twenty years ago. I can only say, let us never strive to make it +bearable, till we have abolished it. Let us abjure such vulgarities as +silk collars, white silk linings, and so forth, which attempt to +beautify this monstrosity, as a hangman might wreathe his gallows with +roses. The plainer the manner in which you wear your misery, the +better. + +"Then, again, the black waistcoat, stiff, tight, and comfortless. Fancy +Falstaff in a ball-dress such as we now wear. No amount of embroidery, +gold-trimmings, or jewel-buttons will render such an infliction grateful +to the mass. The best plan is to wear thorough mourning for your +wretchedness. In France and America, the cooler white waistcoat is +admitted. However, as we have it, let us make the best of it, and not +parade our misery by hideous ornamentation. The only evening waistcoat +for all purposes for a man of taste is one of simple black, with the +simplest possible buttons. + +"These three items never vary for dinner-party, muffin-worry, or ball. +The only distinction allowed is in the neck-tie. For dinner, the opera, +and balls, this must be white, and the smaller the better. It should be +too, of a washable texture, not silk, nor netted, nor hanging down, nor +of any foppish production, but a simple, white tie, without embroidery. +The black tie is admitted for evening parties, and should be equally +simple. The shirt-front, which figures under the tie should be plain, +with unpretending small plaits. The glove must be white, not yellow. +Recently, indeed, a fashion has sprung up of wearing lavender gloves in +the evening. They are economical, and as all economy is an abomination, +must be avoided. Gloves should always be worn at a ball. At a +dinner-party in town they should be worn on entering the room, and drawn +off for dinner. While, on the one hand, we must avoid the awkwardness of +a gallant sea-captain who, wearing no gloves at a dance, excused himself +to his partner by saying, 'Never mind, miss, I can wash my hands when +I've done dancing,' we have no need, in the present day, to copy the +Roman gentleman mentioned by Athenus, who wore gloves at dinner that he +might pick his meat from the hot dishes more rapidly than the +bare-handed guests. As to gloves at tea-parties and so forth, we are +generally safer with than without them. If it is quite a small party, we +may leave them in our pocket, and in the country they are scarcely +expected to be worn; but 'touch not a cat but with a glove;' you are +always safer with them. + +"I must not quit this subject without assuring myself that my reader +knows more about it now than he did before. In fact I have taken one +thing for granted, viz., that he knows what it is to be dressed, and +what undressed. Of course I do not suppose him to be in the blissful +state of ignorance on the subject once enjoyed by our first parents. I +use the words 'dressed' and 'undressed' rather in the sense meant by a +military tailor, or a cook with reference to a salad. You need not be +shocked. I am one of those people who wear spectacles for fear of seeing +anything with the naked eye. I am the soul of scrupulosity. But I am +wondering whether everybody arranges his wardrobe as our ungrammatical +nurses used to do ours, under the heads of 'best, second-best, +third-best,' and so on, and knows what things ought to be placed under +each. To be 'undressed' is to be dressed for work and ordinary +occupations, to wear a coat which you do not fear to spoil, and a +neck-tie which your ink-stand will not object to, but your acquaintance +might. To be 'dressed,' on the other hand, since by dress we show our +respect for society at large, or the persons with whom we are to +mingle, is to be clothed in the garments which the said society +pronounces as suitable to particular occasions; so that evening dress in +the morning, morning dress in the evening, and top boots and a red coat +for walking, may all be called 'undress,' if not positively 'bad dress.' +But there are shades of being 'dressed;' and a man is called 'little +dressed,' 'well dressed,' and 'much dressed,' not according to the +quantity but the quality of his coverings. + +"To be 'little dressed,' is to wear old things, of a make that is no +longer the fashion, having no pretension to elegance, artistic beauty, +or ornament. It is also to wear lounging clothes on occasions which +demand some amount of precision. To be 'much dressed' is to be in the +extreme of the fashion, with bran new clothes, jewelry, and ornaments, +with a touch of extravagance and gaiety in your colors. Thus to wear +patent leather boots and yellow gloves in a quiet morning stroll is to +be much dressed, and certainly does not differ immensely from being +badly dressed. To be 'well dressed' is the happy medium between these +two, which is not given to every one to hold, inasmuch as good taste is +rare, and is a _sine qu non_ thereof. Thus while you avoid ornament and +all fastness, you must cultivate fashion, that is _good_ fashion, in the +make of your clothes. A man must not be made by his tailor, but should +make him, educate him, give him his own good taste. To be well dressed +is to be dressed precisely as the occasion, place, weather, your height, +figure, position, age, and, remember it, your _means_ require. It is to +be clothed without peculiarity, pretension, or eccentricity; without +violent colors, elaborate ornament, or senseless fashions, introduced, +often, by tailors for their own profit. Good dressing is to wear as +little jewelry as possible, to be scrupulously neat, clean, and fresh, +and to carry your clothes as if you did not give them a thought. + +"Then, too, there is a scale of honor among clothes, which must not be +forgotten. Thus, a new coat is more honorable than an old one, a +cut-away or shooting-coat than a dressing-gown, a frock-coat than a +cut-away, a dark blue frock-coat than a black frock-coat, a tail-coat +than a frock-coat. There is no honor at all in a blue tail-coat, +however, except on a gentleman of eighty, accompanied with brass buttons +and a buff waistcoat. There is more honor in an old hunting-coat than in +a new one, in a uniform with a bullet hole in it than one without, in a +fustian jacket and smock-frock than in a frock-coat, because they are +types of labor, which is far more honorable than lounging. Again, light +clothes are generally placed above dark ones, because they cannot be so +long worn, and are, therefore, proofs of expenditure, _alias_ money, +which in this world is a commodity more honored than every other; but, +on the other hand, tasteful dress is always more honorable than that +which has only cost much. Light gloves are more esteemed than dark ones, +and the prince of glove-colors is, undeniably, lavender. + +"'I should say Jones was a fast man,' said a friend to me one day, 'for +he wears a white hat.' If this idea of my companion's be right, fastness +may be said to consist mainly in peculiarity. There is certainly only +one step from the sublimity of fastness to the ridiculousness of +snobbery, and it is not always easy to say where the one ends and the +other begins. A dandy, on the other hand, is the clothes on a man, not a +man in clothes, a living lay figure who displays much dress, and is +quite satisfied if you praise it without taking heed of him. A bear is +in the opposite extreme; never dressed enough, and always very roughly; +but he is almost as bad as the other, for he sacrifices everything to +his ease and comfort. The off-hand style of dress only suits an off-hand +character. It was, at one time, the fashion to affect a certain +negligence, which was called poetic, and supposed to be the result of +genius. An ill-tied, if not positively untied cravat was a sure sign of +an unbridled imagination; and a waistcoat was held together by one +button only, as if the swelling soul in the wearer's bosom had burst all +the rest. If, in addition to this, the hair was unbrushed and curly, you +were certain of passing for a 'man of soul.' I should not recommend any +young gentleman to adopt this style, unless, indeed, he can mouth a +great deal, and has a good stock of quotations from the poets. It is of +no use to show me the clouds, unless I can positively see you in them, +and no amount of negligence in your dress and person will convince me +you are a genius, unless you produce an octavo volume of poems published +by yourself. I confess I am glad that the _nglig_ style, so common in +novels of ten years back, has been succeeded by neatness. What we want +is real ease in the clothes, and, for my part, I should rejoice to see +the Knickerbocker style generally adopted. + +"Besides the ordinary occasions treated of before, there are several +special occasions requiring a change of dress. Most of our sports, +together with marriage (which some people include in sports), come under +this head. Now, the less change we make the better in the present day, +particularly in the sports, where, if we are dressed with scrupulous +accuracy, we are liable to be subjected to a comparison between our +clothes and our skill. A man who wears a red coat to hunt in, should be +able to hunt, and not sneak through gates or dodge over gaps. A few +remarks on dresses worn in different sports may be useful. Having laid +down the rule that a strict accuracy of sporting costume is no longer in +good taste, we can dismiss shooting and fishing at once, with the +warning that we must not dress _well_ for either. An old coat with large +pockets, gaiters in one case, and, if necessary, large boots in the +other, thick shoes at any rate, a wide-awake, and a well-filled bag or +basket at the end of the day, make up a most respectable sportsman of +the lesser kind. Then for cricket you want nothing more unusual than +flannel trousers, which should be quite plain, unless your club has +adopted some colored stripe thereon, a colored flannel shirt of no very +violent hue, the same colored cap, shoes with spikes in them, and a +great coat. + +"For hunting, lastly, you have to make more change, if only to insure +your own comfort and safety. Thus cord-breeches and some kind of boots +are indispensable. So are spurs, so a hunting-whip or crop; so too, if +you do not wear a hat, is the strong round cap that is to save your +valuable skull from cracking if you are thrown on your head. Again, I +should pity the man who would attempt to hunt in a frock-coat or a +dress-coat; and a scarf with a pin in it is much more convenient than a +tie. But beyond these you need nothing out of the common way, but a +pocketful of money. The red coat, for instance, is only worn by regular +members of a hunt, and boys who ride over the hounds and like to display +their 'pinks.' In any case you are better with an ordinary riding-coat +of dark color, though undoubtedly the red is prettier in the field. If +you _will_ wear the latter, see that it is cut square, for the +swallow-tail is obsolete, and worn only by the fine old boys who +'hunted, sir, fifty years ago, sir, when I was a boy of fifteen, sir. +Those _were_ hunting days, sir; such runs and such leaps.' Again, your +'cords' should be light in color and fine in quality; your waistcoat, if +with a red coat, quite light too; your scarf of cashmere, of a buff +color, and fastened with a small simple gold pin; your hat should be +old, and your cap of dark green or black velvet, plated inside, and with +a small stiff peak, should be made to look old. Lastly, for a choice of +boots. The Hessians are more easily cleaned, and therefore less +expensive to keep; the 'tops' are more natty. Brummell, who cared more +for the hunting-dress than the hunting itself, introduced the fashion of +pipe-claying the tops of the latter, but the old original 'mahoganies,' +of which the upper leathers are simply polished, seem to be coming into +fashion again." + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MANLY EXERCISES. + + +Bodily exercise is one of the most important means provided by nature +for the maintenance of health, and in order to prove the advantages of +exercise, we must show what is to be exercised, why exercise is +necessary, and the various modes in which it may be taken. + +The human body may be regarded as a wonderful machine, the various parts +of which are so wonderfully adapted to each other, that if one be +disturbed all must suffer. The bones and muscles are the parts of the +human frame on which motion depends. There are four hundred muscles in +the body; each one has certain functions to perform, which cannot be +disturbed without danger to the whole. They assist the tendons in +keeping the bones in their places, and put them in motion. Whether we +walk or run, sit or stoop, bend the arm or head, or chew our food, we +may be said to open and shut a number of hinges, or ball and socket +joints. And it is a wise provision of nature, that, to a certain extent, +the more the muscles are exercised, the stronger do they become; hence +it is that laborers and artisans are stronger and more muscular than +those persons whose lives are passed in easy occupations or +professional duties. + +Besides strengthening the limbs, muscular exercise has a most beneficial +influence on respiration and the circulation of the blood. The larger +blood-vessels are generally placed deep among the muscles, consequently +when the latter are put into motion, the blood is driven through the +arteries and veins with much greater rapidity than when there is no +exercise; it is more completely purified, as the action of the +insensible perspiration is promoted, which relieves the blood of many +irritating matters, chiefly carbonic acid and certain salts, taken up in +its passage through the system, and a feeling of lightness and +cheerfulness is diffused over body and mind. + +We have said that a good state of health depends in a great measure on +the proper exercise of _all the muscles_. But on looking at the greater +portion of our industrial population,--artisans and workers in factories +generally--we find them, in numerous instances, standing or sitting in +forced or unnatural positions, using only a few of their muscles, while +the others remain, comparatively speaking, unused or inactive. Sawyers, +filers, tailors, and many others may be easily recognized as they walk +the streets, by the awkward movement and bearing impressed upon them by +long habit. The stooping position especially tells most fatally upon the +health; weavers, shoemakers, and cotton-spinners have generally a sallow +and sickly appearance, very different from that of those whose +occupation does not require them to stoop, or to remain long in a +hurtful posture. Their common affections are indigestion and dull +headache, with giddiness especially during summer. They attribute their +complaints to two causes, one of which is the posture of the body, bent +for twelve or thirteen hours a day, the other the heat of the +working-room. + +Besides the trades above enumerated, there are many others productive of +similar evils by the position into which they compel workmen, or by the +close and confined places in which they are carried on; and others, +again, in their very natures injurious. Plumbers and painters suffer +from the noxious materials which they are constantly using, grinders and +filers from dust, and bakers from extremes of temperature and irregular +hours. Wherever there is physical depression, there is a disposition to +resort to injurious stimulants; and "the time of relief from work is +generally spent, not in invigorating the animal frame, but in +aggravating complaints, and converting functional into organic disease." + +But there are others who suffer from artificial poisons and defective +exercise as well as artisans and operatives--the numerous class of +shopkeepers; the author above quoted says, "Week after week passes +without affording them one pure inspiration. Often, also, they have not +exercise even in the open air of the town; a furlong's walk to church on +Sunday being the extent of their rambles. When they have the opportunity +they want the inclination for exercise. The father is anxious about his +trade or his family, the mother is solicitous about her children. Each +has little taste for recreation or amusement." The various disorders, +generally known under the name of indigestion, disorders dependant on a +want of circulation of blood through the bowels, biliary derangements, +and headache, are well known to be the general attendants on trade, +closely pursued. Indeed, in almost every individual, this absorbing +principle produces one or other of the various maladies to which I have +alluded. + +The great remedy for the evils here pointed out is bodily exercise, of +some kind, every day, and as much as possible in the open air. An +opinion prevails that an occasional walk is sufficient to maintain the +balance of health; but if the intervals of inaction be too long, the +good effect of one walk is lost before another is taken. Regularity and +sufficiency are to be as much regarded in exercise as in eating or +sleeping. Sir James Clark says, that "the exercise which is to benefit +the system generally, must be in the open air, and extend to the whole +muscular system. Without regular exercise out of doors, no young person +can continue long healthy; and it is the duty of parents in fixing their +children at boarding schools to ascertain that sufficient time is +occupied daily in this way. They may be assured that attention to this +circumstance is quite as essential to the moral and physical health of +their children, as any branch of education which they may be taught." + +Exercise, however, must be regulated by certain rules, the principal of +which is, to avoid carrying it to excess--to proportion it always to the +state of health and habit of the individual. Persons of short breath +predisposed to determination of blood to the head, subject to +palpitation of the heart, or general weakness, are not to believe that a +course of severe exercise will do them good; on the contrary, many +serious results often follow over-fatigue. For the same reason it is +desirable to avoid active exertion immediately after a full meal, as the +foundation of heart diseases is sometimes laid by leaping or running +after eating. The great object should be so to blend exercise and +repose, as to ensure the highest possible amount of bodily vigor. It +must be recollected that exhausted muscles can be restored only by the +most perfect rest. + +In the next place, it is a mistake to consider the labor of the day as +equivalent to exercise. Work, generally speaking, is a mere routine +process, carried on with but little variety of circumstances, in a +confined atmosphere, and in a temperature frequently more exhaustive +than restorative. The workman requires something more than this to keep +him in health; he must have exercise as often as possible in the open +air,--in fields, parks, or pleasure grounds; but if these are not at his +command, the streets of the town are always open to him, and a walk in +these is better than no walk at all. The mere change of scene is +beneficial, and in walking he generally sets in motion a different set +of muscles from those he has used while at work. + +To derive the greatest amount of good from exercise, it must be combined +with amusement, and be made pleasureable and recreative. This important +fact ought never to be lost sight of, since to ignorance of it alone we +owe many of the evils which afflict society. And it would be well if +those who have been accustomed to look on social amusements as +destructive of the morals of the people, would consider how much good +may be done by giving the mind a direction which, while promotive of +health, would fill it with cheerfulness and wean it from debasing +habits. The character of our sports at the present time, partake but +little of the robust and boisterous spirit of our forefathers; but with +the refinement of amusements, the opportunity for enjoying them has been +grievously diminished. Cheering signs of a better state of things are, +however, visible in many quarters, and we trust that the good work will +be carried on until the whole of our population shall be in possession +of the means and leisure for pleasurable recreation. + +While indulging in the recreative sports which are to restore and +invigorate us, we must be mindful of the many points of etiquette and +kindness which will do much, if properly attended to, to promote the +enjoyment of our exercise, and we propose to review the principal +exercises used among us, and to point out in what places the delicate +and gentlemanly attention to our companions will do the most to +establish, for the person who practices them, the reputation of a +polished gentleman. + + +RIDING. + +There are no amusements, probably, which give us so wide a scope for the +rendering of attention to a friend as riding and driving. Accompanied, +as we may be at any time, by timid companions, the power to convince +them, by the management of the horse we ride, and the watch kept at the +same time on theirs, that we are competent to act the part of companion +and guardian, will enable us to impart to them a great degree of +reliance on us, and will, by lessening their fear do much to enhance +the enjoyment of the excursion. + +With ladies, in particular, a horseman cannot be too careful to display +a regard for the fears of their companions, and by a constant watch on +all the horses in the cavalcade, to show at once his ability and +willingness to assist his companions. + +There are few persons, comparatively speaking, even among those who ride +often, who can properly assist a lady in mounting her horse. An +over-anxiety to help a lady as gracefully as possible, generally results +in a nervous trembling effort which is exceedingly disagreeable to the +lady, and, at the same time, dangerous; for were the horse to shy or +start, he could not be so easily quieted by a nervous man as by one who +was perfectly cool. In the mount the lady must gather her skirt into her +left hand, and stand close to the horse, her face toward his head, and +her right hand resting on the pommel. The gentleman, having asked +permission to assist her, stands at the horse's shoulder, facing the +lady, and stooping low, he places his right hand at a proper elevation +from the ground. The lady then places her left foot on the gentleman's +palm, and as he raises his hand she springs slightly on her right foot, +and thus reaches the saddle. The gentleman must not jerk his hand +upward, but lift it with a gentle motion. This method of mounting is +preferable to a step or horse-block. Keep a _firm_ hand, for a sinking +foot-hold will diminish the confidence of a lady in her escort, and, in +many cases cause her unnecessary alarm while mounting. To any one who is +likely to be called on to act as cavalier to ladies in horse-back +excursions, we would recommend the following practice: Saddle a horse +with a side saddle, and ask a gentleman friend to put on the skirt of a +lady's habit, and with him, practice the mounting and dismounting until +you have thoroughly conquered any difficulties you may have experienced +at first. + +After the seat is first taken by the lady, the gentleman should always +stand at the side of the lady's horse until she is firmly fixed in the +saddle, has a good foot-hold on the stirrup, and has the reins and whip +well in hand. Having ascertained that his companion is firmly and +comfortably fixed in the saddle, the gentleman should mount his horse +and take his riding position on the right or "off" side of the lady's +horse, so that, in case of the horse's shying in such a way as to bring +him against the other horse, the lady will suffer no inconvenience. In +riding with two ladies there are two rules in regard to the gentleman's +position. + +If both ladies are good riders, they should ride side by side, the +ladies to the left; but, if the contrary should be the case, the +gentleman should ride _between_ the ladies in order to be ready in a +moment to assist either in case of one of the horses becoming difficult +to manage. Before allowing a lady to mount, the entire furniture of her +horse should be carefully examined by her escort. The saddle and girths +should be tested to see if they are firm, the stirrup leather examined, +in case of the tongue of the buckle being in danger of slipping out by +not being well buckled at first, and most particularly the bridle, curb, +headstall, and reins should be carefully and thoroughly examined, for on +them depends the entire control of the horse. These examinations should +_never_ be left to the stablehelps, as the continual harnessing of +horses by them often leads to a loose and careless way of attending to +such matters, which, though seemingly trivial, may lead to serious +consequences. + +On the road, the constant care of the gentleman should be to render the +ride agreeable to his companion, by the pointing out of objects of +interest with which she may not be acquainted, the reference to any +peculiar beauty of landscape which may have escaped her notice, and a +general lively tone of conversation, which will, if she be timid, draw +her mind from the fancied dangers of horseback riding, and render her +excursion much more agreeable than if she be left to imagine horrors +whenever her horse may prick up his ears or whisk his tail. And, while +thus conversing, keep an eye always on the lady's horse, so that in case +he should really get frightened, you may be ready by your instruction +and assistance to aid the lady in quieting his fears. + +In dismounting you should offer your right hand to the lady's left, and +allow her to use _your_ left as a step to dismount on, gently declining +it as soon as the lady has left her seat on the saddle, and just before +she springs. Many ladies spring from the saddle, but this generally +confuses the gentleman and is dangerous to the lady, for the horse _may_ +move at the instant she springs, which would inevitably throw her +backward and might result in a serious injury. + + +DRIVING. + +In the indulgence of this beautiful pastime there are many points of +care and attention to be observed; they will render to the driver +himself much gratification by the confidence they will inspire in his +companion, by having the knowledge that he or she is being driven by a +careful horseman, and thus knowing that half of what danger may attend +the pleasure, is removed. + +On reaching the door of your companion's residence, whom we will suppose +to be in this case a lady,--though the same attention may well be +extended to a gentleman,--drive close to the mounting-block or curb, and +by heading your horse toward the middle of the road, and slightly +backing the wagon, separate the fore and hind wheels on the side next +the block as much as possible. This gives room for the lady to ascend +into the wagon without soiling her dress by rubbing against either tire, +and also gives the driver room to lean over and tuck into the wagon any +part of a lady's dress that may hang out after she is seated. + +In assisting the lady to ascend into the wagon, the best and safest way +is to tie the horse firmly to a hitching-post or tree, and then to give +to your companion the aid of both your hands; but, in case of there +being no post to which you can make the rein fast, the following rule +may be adopted: + +Grasp the reins firmly with one hand, and draw them just tight enough to +let the horse feel that they are held, and with the other hand assist +the lady; under _no_ circumstances, even with the most quiet horse, +should you place a lady in your vehicle without _any_ hold on the horse, +for, although many horses would stand perfectly quiet, the whole race of +them are timid, and any sudden noise or motion may start them, in which +case the life of your companion may be endangered. In the light _no-top_ +or _York_ wagon, which is now used almost entirely for pleasure drives, +the right hand cushion should always be higher by three or four inches +than the left, for it raises the person driving, thus giving him more +control, and renders the lady's seat more comfortable and more safe. It +is a mistaken idea, in driving, that it shows a perfect horseman, to +drive fast. On the contrary, a _good_ horseman is more careful of his +horse than a poor one, and in starting, the horse is always allowed to +go slowly for time; as he gradually takes up a quicker pace, and becomes +warmed up; the driver may push him even to the top of his speed for some +distance, always, however, allowing him to slacken his pace toward the +end of his drive, and to come to the stopping-place at a moderate gait. + +Endeavor, by your conversation on the road, to make the ride agreeable +to your companion. Never try to _show off_ your driving, but remember, +that there is no one who drives with so much apparent ease and so little +display as the professional jockey, who, as he devotes his life to the +management of the reins, may well be supposed to be the most thoroughly +good "whip." + +In helping the lady out of the wagon, the same rule must be observed as +in the start; namely, to have your horse well in hand or firmly tied. +Should your companion be a gentleman and a horseman, the courtesy is +always to offer him the reins, though the offer, if made to yourself by +another with whom you are riding, should always be declined; unless, +indeed, the horse should be particularly "hard-mouthed" and your +friend's arms should be tired, in which case you should relieve him. + +Be especially careful in the use of the whip, that it may not spring +back outside of the vehicle and strike your companion. This rule should +be particularly attended to in driving "tandem" or "four-in-hand," as a +cut with a heavy tandem-whip is by no means a pleasant accompaniment to +your drive. + + +BOXING. + +In this much-abused accomplishment, there would, from the rough nature +of the sport, seem to be small room for civility; yet, in none of the +many manly sports is there so great a scope for the exercise of +politeness as in this. Should your adversary be your inferior in boxing, +there are many ways to teach him and encourage him in his pursuit of +proficiency, without knocking him about as if your desire was to injure +him as much as possible. And you will find that his gratitude for your +forbearance will prompt him to exercise the same indulgence to others +who are inferior to himself, and thus by the exchange of gentlemanly +civility the science of boxing is divested of one of its most +objectionable points, viz: the danger of the combatants becoming angry +and changing the sport to a brutal fight. + +Always allow your antagonist to choose his gloves from the set, though, +if you recommend _any_ to him, let him take the hardest ones and you the +softest; thus he will receive the easier blows. Allow him the choice of +ground and position, and endeavor in every way to give him the utmost +chance. In this way, even if you should be worsted in the game, your +kindness and courtesy to him will be acknowledged by any one who may be +with you, and by no one more readily than your antagonist himself. These +same rules apply to the art of fencing, the most graceful and beautiful +of exercises. Let your opponent have his choice of the foils and +sword-gloves, give him the best position for light, and in your thrusts +remember that to make a "hit" does not require you to force your foil as +violently as you can against your antagonist's breast; but, that every +touch will show if your foils be chalked and the one who has the most +"spots" at the end of the encounter is the beaten man. + + +SAILING. + +Within a few years there has been a most decided movement in favor of +aquatic pursuits. Scarcely a town can be found, near the sea or on the +bank of a river but what can either furnish a yacht or a barge. In all +our principal cities the "navies" of yachts and barges number many +boats. The barge clubs particularly are well-fitted with active, healthy +men, who can appreciate the physical benefit of a few hours' work at the +end of a sixteen-foot sweep, and who prefer health and blistered hands +to a life of fashionable and unhealthy amusement. Under the head of +sailing we will give some hints of etiquette as to sailing and rowing +together. A gentleman will never parade his superiority in these +accomplishments, still less boast of it, but rather, that the others may +not feel their inferiority, he will keep considerably within his powers. +If a guest or a stranger be of the party, the best place must be offered +to him, though he may be a bad oar; but, at the same time, if a guest +knows his inferiority in this respect, he will, for more reasons than +one, prefer an inferior position. So, too, when a certain amount of +exertion is required, as in boating, a well-bred man will offer to take +the greater share, pull the heaviest oar, and will never shirk his work. +In short, the whole rule of good manners on such occasions is not to be +selfish, and the most amiable man will therefore be the best bred. It is +certainly desirable that a gentleman should be able to handle an oar, or +to steer and work a yacht, both that when he has an opportunity he may +acquire health, and that he may be able to take part in the charming +excursions which are made by water. One rule should apply to all these +aquatic excursions, and that is, that the gentleman who invites the +ladies, should there be any, and who is, therefore, at the trouble of +getting up the party, should always be allowed to steer the boat, unless +he decline the post, for he has the advantage of more intimate +acquaintance with the ladies, whom he will have to entertain on the +trip, and the post of honor should be given him as a compliment to his +kindness in undertaking the preliminaries. + + +HUNTING. + +Gentlemen residing in the country, and keeping a stable, are generally +ready to join the hunt club. We are gradually falling into the English +sports and pastimes. Cricket, boxing, and hunting, are being more and +more practiced every year, and our horsemen and pugilists aspire to +conquer those of Britain, when a few years back, to attempt such a thing +would have been considered folly. In this country the organization of +hunt-clubs is made as much to rid the country of the foxes as to enjoy +the sport. We differ much from the Britons in our hunting; we have often +a hilly dangerous country, with high worm and post-and-rail fences +crossing it, deep streams with precipitous sides and stony ground to +ride over. We hunt in cold weather when the ground is frozen hard, and +we take everything as it is, hills, fences, streams, and hedges, risking +our necks innumerable times in a hunt. In England the hunters have a +flat country, fences which do not compare to ours in height, and they +hunt _after_ a frost when the ground is soft. + +Our hunting field at the "meet" does not show the gaudy equipment and +top-boots of England, but the plain dress of the gentleman farmer, +sometimes a blue coat and jockey-cap, but oftener the every-day coat and +felt hat, but the etiquette of our hunting field is more observed than +in England. There any one joins the meet, if it is a large one, but here +no one enters the field unless acquainted with one or more of the +gentlemen on the ground. The rules in the hunt are few and simple. Never +attempt to hunt unless you have a fine seat in the saddle and a good +horse, and never accept the loan of a friend's horse, still less an +enemy's, unless you ride very well. A man may forgive you for breaking +his daughter's heart but never for breaking his hunter's neck. Another +point is, always to be quiet at a meet, and never join one unless +acquainted with some one in the field. Pluck, skill, and a good horse +are essentials in hunting. Never talk of your achievements, avoid +enthusiastic shouting when you break cover, and do not ride over the +hounds. Keep a firm hand, a quick eye, an easy, calm frame of mind, and +a good, firm seat on the saddle. Watch the country you are going over, +be always ready to help a friend who may "come to grief," and with the +rules and the quiet demeanor you will soon be a favorite in the field. + + +SKATING. + +Though we may, in the cold winter, sigh for the return of spring +breezes, and look back with regret on the autumn sports, or even the +heat of summer, there is yet a balm for our frozen spirits in the +glorious and exhilarating sports of winter. The sleigh filled with +laughing female beauties and "beauties," too, of the sterner sex, and +the merry jingle of the bells as we fly along the road or through the +streets, are delights of which Old Winter alone is the giver. But, +pleasant as the sleigh-ride is, the man who looks for health and +exercise at all seasons, turns from the seductive pleasures of the +sleigh to the more simple enjoyment derived from the skates. Flying +along over the glistening ice to the accompaniment of shouts of merry +laughter at some novice's mishap, and feeling that we have within us the +speed of the race-horse, the icy pleasure is, indeed, a good substitute +for the pleasures of the other seasons. + +So universal has skating become, that instruction in this graceful +accomplishment seems almost unnecessary; but, for the benefit of the +rising generation who may peruse our work, we will give, from a +well-known authority, a few hints as to the manner of using the skates +before we add our own instruction as to the etiquette of the skating +ground. + +"Before going on the ice, the young skater must learn to put on the +skates, and may also learn to walk with them easily in a room, +balancing, alternately, on each foot. A skater's dress should be as +loose and unincumbered as possible. All fullness of dress is exposed to +the wind. As the exercise of skating produces perspiration, flannel next +the chest, shoulders, and loins, is necessary to avoid the evils of +sudden chills in cold weather. + +"Either very rough or very smooth ice should be avoided. The person who, +for the first time, attempts to skate, must not trust to a stick. He may +take a friend's hand for support, if he requires one; but that should be +soon relinquished, in order to balance himself. He will, probably, +scramble about for half an hour or so, till he begins to find out where +the edge of his skate is. The beginner must be fearless, but not +violent; nor even in a hurry. He should not let his feet get apart, and +keep his heels still nearer together. He must keep the ankle of the foot +on the ice quite firm; not attempting to gain the edge of the skate by +bending it, because the right mode of getting to either edge is by the +inclination of the whole body in the direction required; and this +inclination should be made fearlessly and decisively. The leg which is +on the ice should be kept perfectly straight; for, though the knee must +be somewhat bent at the time of striking, it must be straightened as +quickly as possible without any jerk. The leg which is off the ice +should also be kept straight, though not stiff, having an easy but +straight play, the toe pointing downwards, and the heel from six to +twelve inches of the other. + +"The learner must not look down at the ice, nor at his feet, to see how +they perform. He may, at first, incline his body a little forward, for +safety, but hold his head up, and see where he goes, his person erect +and his face rather elevated than otherwise. + +"When once off, he must bring both feet up together, and strike again, +as soon as he finds himself steady enough, rarely allowing both feet to +be on the ice together. The position of the arms should be easy and +varied; one being always more raised than the other, this elevation +being alternate, and the change corresponding to that of the legs; that +is, the right arm being raised as the right leg is put down, and _vice +vers_, so that the arm and leg of the same side may not be raised +together. The face must be always turned in the direction of the line +intended to be described. Hence in backward skating, the head will be +inclined much over the shoulder; in forward skating, but slightly. All +sudden and violent action must be avoided. Stopping may be caused by +slightly bending the knees, drawing the feet together, inclining the +body forward, and pressing on the heels. It may be also caused by +turning short to the right or left, the foot on the side to which we +turn being rather more advanced, and supporting part of the weight."[A] + +[A] Walker's Manly Exercises. + +When on the ice, if you should get your skates on before your companion, +always wait for him; for, nothing is more disagreeable than being left +behind on an occasion of this kind. Be ready at all times when skating +to render assistance to any one, either lady or gentleman, who may +require it. A _gentleman_ may be distinguished at all times by the +willingness with which he will give up his sport to render himself +agreeable and kind to any one in difficulty. Should you have one of the +skating-sleds so much used for taking ladies on the ice, and should your +own ladies, if you are accompanied by any, not desire to use it, the +most becoming thing you can do is to place it at the disposal of any +other gentleman who has ladies with him, and who is not provided with +such a conveyance. + +Always keep to the right in meeting a person on the ice, and always +skate perfectly clear of the line in which a lady is advancing, whether +she be on skates or on foot. Attention to the other sex is no where more +appreciated than on the ice, where they are, unless good skaters, +comparatively helpless. Be always prompt to assist in the extrication of +any one who may break through the ice, but let your zeal be tempered by +discretion, and always get a rope or ladder if possible, in preference +to going near the hole; for there is great risk of your breaking through +yourself, and endangering your own life without being able to assist the +person already submerged. But should the rope or ladder not be +convenient, the best method is to lay flat on your breast on the ice, +and push yourself cautiously along until you can touch the person's +hand, and then let him climb by it out of the hole. + + +SWIMMING. + +So few persons are unable to swim, that it would be useless for us to +furnish any instruction in the actual art of swimming; but a few words +on the subject of assisting others while in the water may not come +amiss. + +It is a desirable accomplishment to be able to swim in a suit of +clothes. This may be practiced by good swimmers, cautiously at first, in +comparatively shallow water, and afterwards in deeper places. Occasions +may frequently occur where it may be necessary to plunge into the water +to save a drowning person, where the lack of time, or the presence of +ladies, would preclude all possibility of removing the clothes. There +are few points of etiquette in swimming, except those of giving all the +assistance in our power to beginners, and to remember the fact of our +being gentlemen, though the sport may be rough when we are off _terra +firma_. We shall therefore devote this section of our exercise +department to giving a few general directions as to supporting drowning +persons, which support is, after all, the most valued attention we can +render to any one. + +If possible, always go to save a life in company with one or two others. +One companion is generally sufficient, but two will do no harm, for, if +the service of the second be not required, he can easily swim back to +shore. On reaching the object of your pursuit, if he be clinging to +anything, caution him, as you approach, to hold it until you tell him to +let go, and then to let his arms fall to his side. Then let one of your +companions place his hand under the armpit of the person to be assisted, +and you doing the like, call to him to let go his support, then tread +water until you get his arms on the shoulders of your companion and +yourself, and then swim gently to shore. Should you be alone, the utmost +you can do is to let him hold his support while you tread water near him +until further assistance can be obtained. If you are alone and he has no +support, let him rest one arm across your shoulder, put one of your arms +behind his back, and the hand under his armpit, and tread water until +help arrives. Never let a man in these circumstances _grasp_ you in any +way, particularly if he be frightened, for you may both be drowned; but, +try to cool and reassure him by the intrepidity of your own movements, +and he will be safely and easily preserved. + + +CRICKET. + +When in the cricket-field, we must allow ourselves to enter into the +full spirit of the game; but we must not allow the excitement of the +play to make us forget what is due to others and to ourselves. A gentle, +easy, and, at the same time, gentlemanly manner, may be assumed. Always +offer to your companions the use of your private bat, if they are not +similarly provided; for the bats belonging to the club often lose the +spring in the handle from constant use, and a firm bat with a good +spring will prove very acceptable. In this way you gratify the player, +and, as a reward for your kindness, he may, from being well provided, +score more for the side than he would with inferior or worn-out tools. + +This game is more purely democratic than any one we know of, and the +most aristocratic of gentlemen takes second rank, for the time, to the +most humble cricketer, if the latter be the more skillful. But a good +player is not always a gentleman, and the difference in cultivation may +always be distinguished. A _gentleman_ will never deride any one for his +bad play, nor give vent to oaths, or strong epithets, if disappointed in +the playing of one of his side. If he has to ask another player for +anything, he does so in a way to establish his claim to gentility. "May +I trouble you for that ball?" or, "Will you please to hand me that bat?" +are much preferable to "Here, you! ball there!" or, "Clumsy, don't carry +off that bat!" Again, if a gentleman makes a mistake himself, he should +always acknowledge it quietly, and never start a stormy discussion as to +the merits of his batting or fielding. In fine, preserve the same calm +demeanor in the field that you would in the parlor, however deeply you +enter into the excitement of the game. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +TRAVELING. + + +In this country where ladies travel so much alone, a gentleman has many +opportunities of making this unprotected state a pleasant one. There are +many little courtesies which you may offer to a lady when traveling, +even if she is an entire stranger to you, and by an air of respectful +deference, you may place her entirely at her ease with you, even if you +are both young. + +When traveling with a lady, your duties commence when you are presented +to her as an escort. If she is personally a stranger, she will probably +meet you at the wharf or car depot; but if an old acquaintance, you +should offer to call for her at her residence. Take a hack, and call, +leaving ample time for last speeches and farewell tears. If she hands +you her purse to defray her expenses, return it to her if you stop for +any length of time at a place where she may wish to make purchases. If +you make no stop upon your journey, keep the purse until you arrive at +your destination, and then return it. If she does not give you the money +for her expenses when you start, you had best pay them yourself, keeping +an account, and she will repay you at the journey's end. + +When you start, select for your companion the pleasantest seat, see that +her shawl and bag are within her reach, the window lowered or raised as +she may prefer, and then leave her to attend to the baggage, or, if you +prefer, let her remain in the hack while you get checks for the trunks. +Never keep a lady standing upon the wharf or in the depot, whilst you +arrange the baggage. + +When you arrive at a station, place your lady in a hack while you get +the trunks. + +When arriving at a hotel, escort your companion to the parlor, and leave +her there whilst you engage rooms. As soon as her room is ready, escort +her to the door, and leave her, as she will probably wish to change her +dress or lie down, after the fatigue of traveling. If you remain +chatting in the parlor, although she may be too polite to give any sign +of weariness, you may feel sure she is longing to go to a room where she +can bathe her face and smooth her hair. + +If you remain in the hotel to any meal, ask before you leave her, at +what hour she wishes to dine, sup, or breakfast, and at that hour, knock +at her door, and escort her to the table. + +If you remain in the city at which her journey terminates, you should +call the day after your arrival upon the companion of your journey. If, +previous to that journey, you have never met her, she has the privilege +of continuing the acquaintance or not as she pleases, so if all your +gallantry is repaid by a cut the next time you meet her, you must +submit, and hope for better luck next time. In such a case, you are at +liberty to decline escorting her again should the request be made. + +When traveling alone, your opportunities to display your gallantry will +be still more numerous. To offer to carry a bag for a lady who is +unattended, to raise or lower a window for her, offer to check her +baggage, procure her a hack, give her your arm from car to boat or boat +to car, assist her children over the bad crossings, or in fact extend +any such kindness, will mark you as a gentleman, and win you the thanks +due to your courtesy. Be careful however not to be too attentive, as you +then become officious, and embarrass when you mean to please. + +If you are going to travel in other countries, in Europe, especially, I +would advise you to study the languages, before you attempt to go +abroad. French is the tongue you will find most useful in Europe, as it +is spoken in the courts, and amongst diplomatists; but, in order fully +to enjoy a visit to any country, you must speak the language of that +country. You can then visit in the private houses, see life among the +peasantry, go with confidence from village to town, from city to city, +learning more of the country in one day from familiar intercourse with +the natives, than you would learn in a year from guide books or the +explanations of your courier. The way to really enjoy a journey through +a strange land, is not to roll over the high ways in your carriage, stop +at the hotels, and be led to the points of interest by your guide, but +to shoulder your knapsack, or take up your valise, and make a pedestrian +tour through the hamlets and villages. Take a room at a hotel in the +principal cities if you will, and see all that your guide book commands +you to seek, and then start on your own tour of investigation, and +believe me you will enjoy your independent walks and chats with the +villagers and peasants, infinitely more than your visits dictated by +others. Of course, to enjoy this mode of traveling, you must have some +knowledge of the language, and if you start with only a very slight +acquaintance with it, you will be surprised to find how rapidly you will +acquire the power to converse, when you are thus forced to speak in that +language, or be entirely silent. + +Your pocket, too, will be the gainer by the power to arrange your own +affairs. If you travel with a courier and depend upon him to arrange +your hotel bills and other matters, you will be cheated by every one, +from the boy who blacks your boots, to the magnificent artist, who +undertakes to fill your picture gallery with the works of the "old +masters." If Murillo, Raphael, and Guido could see the pictures brought +annually to this country as genuine works of their pencils, we are +certain that they would tear their ghostly hair, wring their shadowy +hands, and return to the tomb again in disgust. Ignorant of the language +of the country you are visiting, you will be swindled in the little +villages and the large cities by the inn-keepers and the hack-drivers, +in the country and in the town, morning, noon, and evening, daily, +hourly, and weekly; so, again I say, study the languages if you propose +going abroad. + +In a foreign country nothing stamps the difference between the gentleman +and the clown more strongly than the regard they pay to foreign +customs. While the latter will exclaim against every strange dress or +dish, and even show signs of disgust if the latter does not please him, +the former will endeavor, as far as is in his power, to "do in Rome as +Romans do." + +Accustom yourself, as soon as possible, to the customs of the nation +which you are visiting, and, as far as you can without any violation of +principle, follow them. You will add much to your own comfort by so +doing, for, as you cannot expect the whole nation to conform to your +habits, the sooner you fall in with theirs the sooner you will feel at +home in the strange land. + +Never ridicule or blame any usage which seems to you ludicrous or wrong. +You may wound those around you, or you may anger them, and it cannot add +to the pleasure of your visit to make yourself unpopular. If in Germany +they serve your meat upon marmalade, or your beef raw, or in Italy give +you peas in their pods, or in France offer you frog's legs and +horsesteaks, if you cannot eat the strange viands, make no remarks and +repress every look or gesture of disgust. Try to adapt your taste to the +dishes, and if you find that impossible, remove those articles you +cannot eat from your plate, and make your meal upon the others, but do +this silently and quietly, endeavoring not to attract attention. + +The best travelers are those who can eat cats in China, oil in +Greenland, frogs in France, and maccaroni in Italy; who can smoke a +meershaum in Germany, ride an elephant in India, shoot partridges in +England, and wear a turban in Turkey; in short, in every nation adapt +their habits, costume, and taste to the national manners, dress and +dishes. + +Do not, when abroad, speak continually in praise of your own country, or +disparagingly of others. If you find others are interested in gaining +information about America, speak candidly and freely of its customs, +scenery, or products, but not in a way that will imply a contempt of +other countries. To turn up your nose at the Thames because the +Mississippi is longer and wider, or to sneer at _any_ object because you +have seen its superior at home, is rude, ill-bred, and in excessively +bad taste. You will find abroad numerous objects of interest which +America cannot parallel, and while abroad, you will do well to avoid +mention of "our rivers," "our mountains," or, "our manufactories." You +will find ruins in Rome, pictures in Florence, cemeteries in France, and +factories in England, which will take the lead and challenge the world +to compete; and you will exhibit a far better spirit if you candidly +acknowledge that superiority, than if you make absurd and untrue +assertions of "our" power to excel them. + +You will, of course, meet with much to disapprove, much that will excite +your laughter; but control the one and keep silence about the other. If +you find fault, do so gently and quietly; if you praise, do so without +qualification, sincerely and warmly. + +Study well the geography of any country which you may visit, and, as far +as possible, its history also. You cannot feel much interest in +localities or monuments connected with history, if you are unacquainted +with the events which make them worthy of note. + +Converse with any who seem disposed to form an acquaintance. You may +thus pass an hour or two pleasantly, obtain useful information, and you +need not carry on the acquaintance unless you choose to do so. Amongst +the higher circles in Europe you will find many of the customs of each +nation in other nations, but it is among the peasants and the people +that you find the true nationality. + +You may carry with you one rule into every country, which is, that, +however much the inhabitants may object to your dress, language, or +habits, they will cheerfully acknowledge that the American stranger is +perfectly amiable and polite. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH. + + +It is not, in this book, a question, what you must believe, but how you +must act. If your conscience permits you to visit other churches than +your own, your first duty, whilst in them, is not to sneer or scoff at +any of its forms, and to follow the service as closely as you can. + +To remove your hat upon entering the edifice devoted to the worship of a +Higher Power, is a sign of respect never to be omitted. Many men will +omit in foreign churches this custom so expressive and touching, and by +the omission make others believe them irreverent and foolish, even +though they may act from mere thoughtlessness. If, however, you are in a +country where the head is kept covered, and another form of humility +adopted, you need not fear to follow the custom of those around you. You +will be more respected if you pay deference to their religious views, +than if you undertook to prove your superiority by affecting a contempt +for any form of worship. Enter with your thoughts fixed upon high and +holy subjects, and your face will show your devotion, even if you are +ignorant of the forms of that particular church. + +If you are with a lady, in a catholic church, offer her the holy water +with your hand ungloved, for, as it is in the intercourse with princes, +that church requires all the ceremonies to be performed with the bare +hand. + +Pass up the aisle with your companion until you reach the pew you are to +occupy, then step before her, open the door, and hold it open while she +enters the pew. Then follow her, closing the door after you. + +If you are visiting a strange church, request the sexton to give you a +seat. Never enter a pew uninvited. If you are in your own pew in church, +and see strangers looking for a place, open your pew door, invite them +by a motion to enter, and hold the door open for them, re-entering +yourself after they are seated. + +If others around you do not pay what you think a proper attention to the +services, do not, by scornful glances or whispered remarks, notice their +omissions. Strive, by your own devotion, to forget those near you. + +You may offer a book or fan to a stranger near you, if unprovided +themselves, whether they be young or old, lady or gentleman. + +Remain kneeling as long as those around you do so. Do not, if your own +devotion is not satisfied by your attitude, throw scornful glances upon +those who remain seated, or merely bow their heads. Above all never sign +to them, or speak, reminding them of the position most suitable for the +service. Keep your own position, but do not think you have the right to +dictate to others. I have heard young persons addressing, with words of +reproach, old men, and lame ones, whose infirmities forbade them to +kneel or stand in church, but who were, doubtless, as good Christians as +their presumptuous advisers. I know that it often is an effort to +remain silent when those in another pew talk incessantly in a low tone +or whisper, or sing in a loud tone, out of all time or tune, or read the +wrong responses in a voice of thunder; but, while you carefully avoid +such faults yourself, you must pass them over in others, without remark. + +If, when abroad, you visit a church to see the pictures or monuments +within its walls, and not for worship, choose the hours when there is no +service being read. Even if you are alone, or merely with a guide, speak +low, walk slowly, and keep an air of quiet respect in the edifice +devoted to the service of God. + +Let me here protest against an Americanism of which modest ladies justly +complain; it is that of gentlemen standing in groups round the doors of +churches both before and after service. A well-bred man will not indulge +in this practice; and, if detained upon the step by a friend, or, whilst +waiting for another person, he will stand aside and allow plenty of room +for others to pass in, and will never bring the blood into a woman's +face by a long, curious stare. + +In church, as in every other position in life, the most unselfish man is +the most perfect gentleman; so, if you wish to retain your position as a +well-bred man, you will, in a crowded church, offer your seat to any +lady, or old man, who may be standing. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. + + +1. Always avoid any rude or boisterous action, especially when in the +presence of ladies. It is not necessary to be stiff, indolent, or +sullenly silent, neither is perfect gravity always required, but if you +jest let it be with quiet, gentlemanly wit, never depending upon +clownish gestures for the effect of a story. Nothing marks the gentleman +so soon and so decidedly as quiet, refined ease of manner. + +2. Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring a bell, pick up a +handkerchief or glove she may have dropped, or, in short, perform any +service for herself which you can perform for her, when you are in the +room. By extending such courtesies to your mother, sisters, or other +members of your family, they become habitual, and are thus more +gracefully performed when abroad. + +3. Never perform any little service for another with a formal bow or +manner as if conferring a favor, but with a quiet gentlemanly ease as if +it were, not a ceremonious, unaccustomed performance, but a matter of +course, for you to be courteous. + +4. It is not necessary to tell _all_ that you know; that were mere +folly; but what a man says must be what he believes himself, else he +violates the first rule for a gentleman's speech--Truth. + +5. Avoid gambling as you would poison. Every bet made, even in the most +finished circles of society, is a species of gambling, and this ruinous +crime comes on by slow degrees. Whilst a man is minding his business, he +is playing the best game, and he is sure to win. You will be tempted to +the vice by those whom the world calls gentlemen, but you will find that +loss makes you angry, and an angry man is never a courteous one; gain +excites you to continue the pursuit of the vice; and, in the end you +will lose money, good name, health, good conscience, light heart, and +honesty; while you gain evil associates, irregular hours and habits, a +suspicious, fretful temper, and a remorseful, tormenting conscience. +Some one _must_ lose in the game; and, if you win it, it is at the risk +of driving a fellow creature to despair. + +6. Cultivate tact! In society it will be an invaluable aid. Talent is +something, but tact is everything. Talent is serious, sober, grave, and +respectable; tact is all that and more too. It is not a sixth sense, but +it is the life of all the five. It is the _open_ eye, the _quick_ ear, +the _judging_ taste, the _keen_ smell, and the _lively_ touch; it is the +interpreter of all riddles--the surmounter of all difficulties--the +remover of all obstacles. It is useful in all places, and at all times; +it is useful in solitude, for it shows a man his way _into_ the world; +it is useful in society, for it shows him his way _through_ the world. +Talent is power--tact is skill; talent is weight--tact is momentum; +talent knows what to do--tact knows how to do it; talent makes a man +respectable--tact will make him respected; talent is wealth--tact is +ready money. For all the practical purposes of society tact carries +against talent ten to one. + +7. Nature has left every man a capacity of being agreeable, though all +cannot _shine_ in company; but there are many men sufficiently qualified +for both, who, by a very few faults, that a little attention would soon +correct, are not so much as tolerable. Watch, avoid such faults. + +8. Habits of self-possession and self-control acquired early in life, +are the best foundation for the formation of gentlemanly manners. If you +unite with this the constant intercourse with ladies and gentlemen of +refinement and education, you will add to the dignity of perfect self +command, the polished ease of polite society. + +9. Avoid a conceited manner. It is exceedingly ill-bred to assume a +manner as if you were superior to those around you, and it is, too, a +proof, not of superiority but of vulgarity. And to avoid this manner, +avoid the foundation of it, and cultivate humility. The praises of +others should be of use to you, in teaching, not what you are, perhaps, +but in pointing out what you ought to be. + +10. Avoid pride, too; it often miscalculates, and more often +misconceives. The proud man places himself at a distance from other men; +seen through that distance, others, perhaps, appear little to him; but +he forgets that this very distance causes him also to appear little to +others. + +11. A gentleman's title suggests to him humility and affability; to be +easy of access, to pass by neglects and offences, especially from +inferiors; neither to despise any for their bad fortune or misery, nor +to be afraid to own those who are unjustly oppressed; not to domineer +over inferiors, nor to be either disrespectful or cringing to superiors; +not standing upon his family name, or wealth, but making these secondary +to his attainments in civility, industry, gentleness, and discretion. + +12. Chesterfield says, "All ceremonies are, in themselves, very silly +things; but yet a man of the world should know them. They are the +outworks of manners, which would be too often broken in upon if it were +not for that defence which keeps the enemy at a proper distance. It is +for that reason I always treat fools and coxcombs with great ceremony, +true good breeding not being a sufficient barrier against them." + +13. When you meet a lady at the foot of a flight of stairs, do not wait +for her to ascend, but bow, and go up before her. + +14. In meeting a lady at the head of a flight of stairs, wait for her to +precede you in the descent. + +15. Avoid slang. It does not beautify, but it sullies conversation. +"Just listen, for a moment, to our fast young man, or the ape of a fast +young man, who thinks that to be a man he must speak in the dark +phraseology of slang. If he does anything on his own responsibility, he +does it on his own 'hook.' If he sees anything remarkably good, he calls +it a 'stunner,' the superlative of which is a 'regular stunner.' If a +man is requested to pay a tavern bill, he is asked if he will 'stand +Sam.' If he meets a savage-looking dog, he calls him an 'ugly customer.' +If he meets an eccentric man, he calls him a 'rummy old cove.' A +sensible man is a 'chap that is up to snuff.' Our young friend never +scolds, but 'blows up;' never pays, but 'stumps up;' never finds it too +difficult to pay, but is 'hard up.' He has no hat, but shelters his head +beneath a 'tile.' He wears no neckcloth, but surrounds his throat with a +'choker.' He lives nowhere, but there is some place where he 'hangs +out.' He never goes away or withdraws, but he 'bolts'--he 'slopes'--he +'mizzles'--he 'makes himself scarce'--he 'walks his chalks'--he 'makes +tracks'--he 'cuts stick'--or, what is the same thing, he 'cuts his +lucky!' The highest compliment that you can pay him is to tell him that +he is a 'regular brick.' He does not profess to be brave, but he prides +himself on being 'plucky.' Money is a word which he has forgotten, but +he talks a good deal about 'tin,' and the 'needful,' 'the rhino,' and +'the ready.' When a man speaks, he 'spouts;' when he holds his peace, he +'shuts up;' when he is humiliated, he is 'taken down a peg or two,' and +made to 'sing small.' Now, besides the vulgarity of such expressions, +there is much in slang that is objectionable in a moral point of view. +For example, the word 'governor,' as applied to a father, is to be +reprehended. Does it not betray, on the part of young men, great +ignorance of the paternal and filial relationship, or great contempt for +them? Their father is to such young men merely a governor,--merely a +representative of authority. Innocently enough the expression is used by +thousands of young men who venerate and love their parents; but only +think of it, and I am sure that you will admit that it is a cold, +heartless word when thus applied, and one that ought forthwith to be +abandoned." + +16. There are few traits of social life more repulsive than tyranny. I +refer not to the wrongs, real or imaginary, that engage our attention in +ancient and modern history; my tyrants are not those who have waded +through blood to thrones, and grievously oppress their brother men. I +speak of the _petty_ tyrants of the fireside and the social circle, who +trample like very despots on the opinions of their fellows. You meet +people of this class everywhere; they stalk by your side in the streets; +they seat themselves in the pleasant circle on the hearth, casting a +gloom on gayety; and they start up dark and scowling in the midst of +scenes of innocent mirth, to chill and frown down every participator. +They "pooh! pooh!" at every opinion advanced; they make the lives of +their mothers, sisters, wives, children, unbearable. Beware then of +tyranny. A gentleman is ever humble, and the tyrant is never courteous. + +17. Cultivate the virtues of the soul, strong principle, incorruptible +integrity, usefulness, refined intellect, and fidelity in seeking for +truth. A man in proportion as he has these virtues will be honored and +welcomed everywhere. + +18. Gentility is neither in birth, wealth, or fashion, but in the mind. +A high sense of honor, a determination never to take a mean advantage of +another, adherence to truth, delicacy and politeness towards those with +whom we hold intercourse, are the essential characteristics of a +gentleman. + +19. Little attentions to your mother, your wife, and your sister, will +beget much love. The man who is a rude husband, son, and brother, cannot +be a gentleman; he may ape the manners of one, but, wanting the +refinement of heart that would make him courteous at home, his +politeness is but a thin cloak to cover a rude, unpolished mind. + +20. At table, always eat slowly, but do not delay those around you by +toying with your food, or neglecting the business before you to chat, +till all the others are ready to leave the table, but must wait until +you repair your negligence, by hastily swallowing your food. + +21. Are you a husband? Custom entitles you to be the "lord and master" +over your household. But don't assume the _master_ and sink the _lord_. +Remember that noble generosity, forbearance, amiability, and integrity +are the _lordly_ attributes of man. As a husband, therefore, exhibit the +true nobility of man, and seek to govern your household by the display +of high moral excellence. + +A domineering spirit--a fault-finding petulance--impatience of trifling +delays--and the exhibition of unworthy passion at the slightest +provocation can add no laurel to your own "lordly" brow, impart no +sweetness to home, and call forth no respect from those by whom you may +be surrounded. It is one thing to be a _master_, another to be a _man_. +The latter should be the husband's aspiration; for he who cannot govern +himself, is ill-qualified to rule others. You can hardly imagine how +refreshing it is to occasionally call up the recollection of your +courting days. How tediously the hours rolled away prior to the +appointed time of meeting; how swift they seemed to fly, when met; how +fond was the first greeting; how tender the last embrace; how fervent +were your vows; how vivid your dreams of future happiness, when, +returning to your home, you felt yourself secure in the confessed love +of the object of your warm affections! Is your dream realized?--are you +so happy as you expected?--why not? Consider whether as a husband you +are as fervent and constant as you were when a lover. Remember that the +wife's claims to your unremitting regard--great before marriage, are now +exalted to a much higher degree. She has left the world for you--the +home of her childhood, the fireside of her parents, their watchful care +and sweet intercourse have all been yielded up for you. Look then most +jealously upon all that may tend to attract you from home, and to weaken +that union upon which your temporal happiness mainly depends; and +believe that in the solemn relationship of HUSBAND is to be found one of +the best guarantees for man's honor and happiness. + +22. Perhaps the true definition of a gentleman is this: "Whoever is +open, loyal, and true; whoever is of humane and affable demeanor; +whoever is honorable in himself, and in his judgment of others, and +requires no law but his word to make him fulfil an engagement; such a +man is a gentleman, be he in the highest or lowest rank of life, a man +of elegant refinement and intellect, or the most unpolished tiller of +the ground." + +23. In the street, etiquette does not require a gentleman to take off +his glove to shake hands with a lady, unless her hand is uncovered. In +the house, however, the rule is imperative, he must not offer a lady a +gloved hand. In the street, if his hand be very warm or very cold, or +the glove cannot be readily removed, it is much better to offer the +covered hand than to offend the lady's touch, or delay the salutation +during an awkward fumble to remove the glove. + +24. Sterne says, "True courtship consists in a number of quiet, +gentlemanly attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, not so vague as to +be misunderstood." A clown will terrify by his boldness, a proud man +chill by his reserve, but a gentleman will win by the happy mixture of +the two. + +25. Use no profane language, utter no word that will cause the most +virtuous to blush. Profanity is a mark of low breeding; and the tendency +of using indecent and profane language is degrading to your minds. Its +injurious effects may not be felt at the moment, but they will continue +to manifest themselves to you through life. They may never be +obliterated; and, if you allow the fault to become habitual, you will +often find at your tongue's end some expressions which you would not use +for any money. By being careful on this point you may save yourself much +mortification and sorrow. + +"Good men have been taken sick and become delirious. In these moments +they have used the most vile and indecent language. When informed of it, +after a restoration to health, they had no idea of the pain they had +given to their friends, and stated that they had learned and repeated +the expressions in childhood, and though years had passed since they had +spoken a bad word, the early impressions had been indelibly stamped upon +the mind." + +Think of this, ye who are tempted to use improper language, and never +let a vile word disgrace you. An oath never falls from the tongue of the +man who commands respect. + +Honesty, frankness, generosity, and virtue are noble traits. Let these +be yours, and do not fear. You will then claim the esteem and love of +all. + +26. Courteous and friendly conduct may, probably will, sometimes meet +with an unworthy and ungrateful return; but the absence of gratitude and +similar courtesy on the part of the receiver cannot destroy the +self-approbation which recompenses the giver. We may scatter the seeds +of courtesy and kindness around us at little expense. Some of them will +inevitably fall on good ground, and grow up into benevolence in the +minds of others, and all of them will bear the fruit of happiness in the +bosom whence they spring. A kindly action always fixes itself on the +heart of the truly thoughtful and polite man. + +27. Learn to restrain anger. A man in a passion ceases to be a +gentleman, and if you do not control your passions, rely upon it, they +will one day control you. The intoxication of anger, like that of the +grape, shows us to others, but hides us from ourselves, and we injure +our own cause in the opinion of the world when we _too_ passionately and +eagerly defend it. Neither will all men be disposed to view our quarrels +in the same light that we do; and a man's blindness to his own defects +will ever increase in proportion as he is angry with others, or pleased +with himself. An old English writer says:-- + +"As a preventative of anger, banish all tale-bearers and slanderers from +your conversation, for it is these blow the devil's bellows to rouse up +the flames of rage and fury, by first abusing your ears, and then your +credulity, and after that steal away your patience, and all this, +perhaps, for a lie. To prevent anger, be not too inquisitive into the +affairs of others, or what people say of yourself, or into the mistakes +of your friends, for this is going out to gather sticks to kindle a fire +to burn your own house." + +28. Keep good company or none. You will lose your own self-respect, and +habits of courtesy sooner and more effectually by intercourse with low +company, than in any other manner; while, in good company, these virtues +will be cultivated and become habitual. + +29. Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than to make an engagement, +be it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your memory is not +sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you make stored +within it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there. +Especially, keep any appointment made with a lady, for, depend upon it, +the fair sex forgive any other fault in good breeding, sooner than a +broken engagement. + +30. Avoid personality; nothing is more ungentlemanly. The tone of good +company is marked by its entire absence. Among well-informed persons +there are plenty of topics to discuss, without giving pain to any one +present. + +31. Make it a rule to be always punctual in keeping an appointment, and, +when it is convenient, be a little beforehand. Such a habit ensures that +composure and ease which is the very essence of gentlemanly deportment; +want of it keeps you always in a fever and bustle and no man who is +hurried and feverish appears so well as he whose punctuality keeps him +cool and composed. + +32. It is right to cultivate a laudable ambition, but do not exaggerate +your capacity. The world will not give you credit for half what you +esteem yourself. Some men think it so much gained to pass for more than +they are worth; but in most cases the deception will be discovered, +sooner or later, and the rebound will be greater than the gain. We may, +therefore, set it down as a truth, that it is a damage to a man to have +credit for greater powers than he possesses. + +33. Be ready to apologize when you have committed a fault which gives +offence. Better, far better, to retain a friend by a frank, courteous +apology for offence given, than to make an enemy by obstinately denying +or persisting in the fault. + +34. An apology made to yourself must be accepted. No matter how great +the offence, a gentleman cannot keep his anger after an apology has been +made, and thus, amongst truly well-bred men, an apology is always +accepted. + +35. Unless you have something of real importance to ask or communicate, +do not stop a gentleman in the street during business hours. You may +detain him from important engagements, and, though he may be too +well-bred to show annoyance, he will not thank you for such detention. + +36. If, when on your way to fulfil an engagement, a friend stops you in +the street, you may, without committing any breach of etiquette, tell +him of your appointment, and release yourself from a long talk, but do +so in a courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity. + +37. If, when meeting two gentlemen, you are obliged to detain one of +them, apologize to the other for so doing, whether he is an acquaintance +or a stranger, and do not keep him waiting a moment longer than is +necessary. + +38. Have you a sister? Then love and cherish her with all that pure and +holy friendship which renders a brother so worthy and noble. Learn to +appreciate her sweet influence as portrayed in the following words: + +"He who has never known a sister's kind administration, nor felt his +heart warming beneath her endearing smile and love-beaming eye, has been +unfortunate indeed. It is not to be wondered at if the fountains of pure +feeling flow in his bosom but sluggishly, or if the gentle emotions of +his nature be lost in the sterner attributes of mankind. + +"'That man has grown up among affectionate sisters,' I once heard a lady +of much observation and experience remark. + +"'And why do you think so?' said I. + +"'Because of the rich development of all the tender feelings of the +heart.' + +"A sister's influence is felt even in manhood's riper years; and the +heart of him who has grown cold in chilly contact with the world will +warm and thrill with pure enjoyment as some accident awakens within him +the soft tones, the glad melodies of his sister's voice; and he will +turn from purposes which a warped and false philosophy had reasoned into +expediency, and even weep for the gentle influences which moved him in +his earlier years." + +The man who would treat a sister with harshness, rudeness, or +disrespect, is unworthy of the name of gentleman, for he thus proves +that the courtesies he extends to other ladies, are not the promptings +of the heart, but the mere external signs of etiquette; the husk without +the sweet fruit within. + +39. When walking with a friend in the street, never leave him to speak +to another friend without apologizing for so doing. + +40. If walking with a lady, never leave her alone in the street, under +any circumstances. It is a gross violation of etiquette to do so. + +41. The most truly gentlemanly man is he who is the most unselfish, so I +would say in the words of the Rev. J. A. James: + +"Live for some purpose in the world. Act your part well. Fill up the +measure of duty to others. Conduct yourselves so that you shall be +missed with sorrow when you are gone. Multitudes of our species are +living in such a selfish manner that they are not likely to be +remembered after their disappearance. They leave behind them scarcely +any traces of their existence, but are forgotten almost as though they +had never been. They are while they live, like one pebble lying +unobserved amongst a million on the shore; and when they die, they are +like that same pebble thrown into the sea, which just ruffles the +surface, sinks, and is forgotten, without being missed from the beach. +They are neither regretted by the rich, wanted by the poor, nor +celebrated by the learned. Who has been the better for their life? Who +has been the worse for their death? Whose tears have they dried up? +whose wants supplied? whose miseries have they healed? Who would unbar +the gate of life, to re-admit them to existence? or what face would +greet them back again to our world with a smile? Wretched, unproductive +mode of existence! Selfishness is its own curse; it is a starving vice. +The man who does no good, gets none. He is like the heath in the desert, +neither yielding fruit, nor seeing when good cometh--a stunted, +dwarfish, miserable shrub." + +42. Separate the syllables of the word gentleman, and you will see that +the first requisite must be gentleness--_gentle_-man. Mackenzie says, +"Few persons are sufficiently aware of the power of gentleness. It is +slow in working, but it is infallible in its results. It makes no noise; +it neither invites attention, nor provokes resistance; but it is God's +great law, in the moral as in the natural world, for accomplishing great +results. The progressive dawn of day, the flow of the tide, the lapse of +time, the changes of the seasons--these are carried on by slow and +imperceptible degrees, yet their progress and issue none can mistake or +resist. Equally certain and surprising are the triumphs of gentleness. +It assumes nothing, yet it can disarm the stoutest opposition; it +yields, but yielding is the element of its strength; it endures, but in +the warfare victory is not gained by doing, but by suffering." + +43. Perfect composure of manner requires perfect peace of mind, so you +should, as far as lies in human power, avoid the evils which make an +unquiet mind, and, first of all, avoid that cheating, swindling process +called "running in debt." Owe no man anything; avoid it as you would +avoid war, pestilence, and famine. Hate it with a perfect hatred. As you +value comfort, quiet, and independence, keep out of debt. As you value a +healthy appetite, placid temper, pleasant dreams, and happy wakings, +keep out of debt. It is the hardest of all task-masters; the most cruel +of all oppressors. It is a mill-stone about the neck. It is an incubus +on the heart. It furrows the forehead with premature wrinkles. It drags +the nobleness and kindness out of the port and bearing of a man; it +takes the soul out of his laugh, and all stateliness and freedom from +his walk. Come not, then, under its crushing dominion. + +44. Speak gently; a kind refusal will often wound less than a rough, +ungracious assent. + +45. "In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch your temper; +in society, watch your tongue." + +46. The true secret of pleasing all the world, is to have an humble +opinion of yourself. True goodness is invariably accompanied by +gentleness, courtesy, and humility. Those people who are always +"sticking on their dignity," are continually losing friends, making +enemies, and fostering a spirit of unhappiness in themselves. + +47. Are you a merchant? Remember that the counting-house is no less a +school of manners and temper than a school of morals. Vulgarity, +imperiousness, peevishness, caprice on the part of the heads, will +produce their corresponding effects upon the household. Some merchants +are petty tyrants. Some are too surly to be fit for any charge, unless +it be that of taming a shrew. The coarseness of others, in manner and +language, must either disgust or contaminate all their subordinates. In +one establishment you will encounter an unmanly levity, which precludes +all discipline. In another, a mock dignity, which supplies the juveniles +with a standing theme of ridicule. In a third, a capriciousness of mood +and temper, which reminds one of the prophetic hints of the weather in +the old almanacks--"windy"--"cool"--"very pleasant"--"blustering"--"look +out for storms"--and the like. And, in a fourth, a selfish acerbity, +which exacts the most unreasonable services, and never cheers a clerk +with a word of encouragement.--These are sad infirmities. Men ought not +to have clerks until they know how to treat them. Their own comfort, +too, would be greatly enhanced by a different deportment. + +48. If you are about to enter, or leave, a store or any door, and +unexpectedly meet a lady going the other way, stand aside and raise your +hat whilst she passes. If she is going the same way, and the door is +closed, pass before her, saying, "allow me," or, "permit me,"--open the +door, and hold it open whilst she passes. + +49. In entering a room where you will meet ladies, take your hat, cane, +and gloves in your left hand, that your right may be free to offer to +them. + +50. Never offer to shake hands with a lady; she will, if she wishes you +to do so, offer her hand to you, and it is an impertinence for you to do +so first. + +51. If you are seated in the most comfortable chair in a public room, +and a lady, an invalid, or an old man enters, rise, and offer your seat, +even if they are strangers to you. Many men will attend to these +civilities when with friends or acquaintances, and neglect them amongst +strangers, but the true gentleman will not wait for an introduction +before performing an act of courtesy. + +52. As both flattery and slander are in the highest degree blameable and +ungentlemanly, I would quote the rule of Bishop Beveridge, which +effectually prevents both. He says, "Never speak of a man's virtue +before his face, nor of his faults behind his back." + +53. Never enter a room, in which there are ladies, after smoking, until +you have purified both your mouth, teeth, hair, and clothes. If you wish +to smoke just before entering a saloon, wear an old coat and carefully +brush your hair and teeth before resuming your own. + +54. Never endeavor to attract the attention of a friend by nudging him, +touching his foot or hand secretly, or making him a gesture. If you +cannot speak to him frankly, you had best let him alone; for these +signals are generally made with the intention of ridiculing a third +person, and that is the height of rudeness. + +55. Button-holding is a common but most blameable breach of good +manners. If a man requires to be forcibly detained to listen to you, you +are as rude in thus detaining him, as if you had put a pistol to his +head and threatened to blow his brains out if he stirred. + +56. It is a great piece of rudeness to make a remark in general company, +which is intelligible to one person only. To call out, "George, I met D. +L. yesterday, and he says he will attend to that matter," is as bad as +if you went to George and whispered in his ear. + +57. In your intercourse with servants, nothing will mark you as a +well-bred man, so much as a gentle, courteous manner. A request will +make your wishes attended to as quickly as a command, and thanks for a +service, oil the springs of the servant's labor immensely. Rough, harsh +commands may make your orders obeyed well and promptly, but they will be +executed unwillingly, in fear, and, probably, dislike, while courtesy +and kindness will win a willing spirit as well as prompt service. + +58. Avoid eccentric conduct. It does not, as many suppose, mark a man of +genius. Most men of true genius are gentlemanly and reserved in their +intercourse with other men, and there are many fools whose folly is +called eccentricity. + +59. Avoid familiarity. Neither treat others with too great cordiality +nor suffer them to take liberties with you. To check the familiarity of +others, you need not become stiff, sullen, nor cold, but you will find +that excessive politeness on your own part, sometimes with a little +formality, will soon abash the intruder. + +60. Lazy, lounging attitudes in the presence of ladies are very rude. + +61. It is only the most arrant coxcomb who will boast of the favor shown +him by a lady, speak of her by her first name, or allow others to jest +with him upon his friendship or admiration for her. If he really admires +her, and has reason to hope for a future engagement with her, her name +should be as sacred to him as if she were already his wife; if, on the +contrary, he is not on intimate terms with her, then he adds a lie to +his excessively bad breeding, when using her name familiarly. + +62. "He that can please nobody is not so much to be pitied as he that +nobody can please." + +63. Speak without obscurity or affectation. The first is a mark of +pedantry, the second a sign of folly. A wise man will speak always +clearly and intelligibly. + +64. To betray a confidence is to make yourself despicable. Many things +are said among friends which are not said under a seal of secrecy, but +are understood to be confidential, and a truly honorable man will never +violate this tacit confidence. It is really as sacred as if the most +solemn promises of silence bound your tongue; more so, indeed, to the +true gentleman, as his sense of honor, not his word, binds him. + +65. Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue are absolutely +necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness +and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and +agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents, such as honor, +virtue, learning, and parts are above the generality of the world, who +neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others; but +all people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, +affability, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; because they +feel the good effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing." + +66. "Good sense must, in many cases, determine good breeding; because +the same thing that would be civil at one time and to one person, may be +quite otherwise at another time and to another person." + +67. Nothing can be more ill-bred than to meet a polite remark addressed +to you, either with inattention or a rude answer. + +68. Spirit is now a very fashionable word, but it is terribly +misapplied. In the present day to act with spirit and speak with spirit +means to act rashly and speak indiscretely. A gentleman shows his spirit +by firm, but gentle words and resolute actions. He is spirited but +neither rash nor timid. + +69. "Use kind words. They do not cost much. It does not take long to +utter them. They never blister the tongue or lips in their passage into +the world, or occasion any other kind of bodily suffering. And we have +never heard of any mental trouble arising from this quarter. + +"Though they do not COST much, yet they ACCOMPLISH much. They help one's +own good nature and good will. One cannot be in a habit of this kind, +without thereby picking away something of the granite roughness of his +own nature. Soft words will soften his own soul. Philosophers tell us +that the angry words a man uses, in his passion, are fuel to the flame +of his wrath, and make it blaze the more fiercely. Why, then, should not +words of the opposite character produce opposite results, and that most +blessed of all passions of the soul, kindness, be augmented by kind +words? People that are forever speaking kindly, are forever disinclining +themselves to ill-temper. + +"Kind words make other people good natured. Cold words freeze people, +and hot words scorch them, and sarcastic words irritate them, and bitter +words make them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. And kind +words also produce their own image on men's souls. And a beautiful image +it is. They soothe, and quiet, and comfort the hearer. They shame him +out of his sour, morose, unkind feelings, and he has to become kind +himself. + +"There is such a rush of all other kind of words, in our days, that it +seems desirable to give kind words a chance among them. There are vain +words, and idle words, and hasty words, and spiteful words, and silly +words, and empty words. Now, kind words are better than the whole of +them, and it is a pity that, among the improvements of the present age, +birds of this feather might not have more chance than they have had to +spread their wings. + +"Kind words are in danger of being driven from the field, like +frightened pigeons, in these days of boisterous words, and warlike +words, and passionate words. They have not the brass to stand up, like +so many grenadiers, and fight their own way among the throng. Besides, +they have been out of use so long, that they hardly know whether they +have any right to make their appearance any more in our bustling world; +not knowing but that, perhaps, the world was done with them, and would +not like their company any more. + +"Let us welcome them back. We have not done with them. We have not yet +begun to use them in such abundance as they ought to be used. We cannot +spare them." + +70. The first step towards pleasing every one is to endeavor to offend +no one. To give pain by a light or jesting remark is as much a breach of +etiquette, as to give pain by a wound made with a steel weapon, is a +breach of humanity. + +71. "A gentleman will never use his tongue to rail and brawl against any +one; to speak evil of others in their absence; to exaggerate any of his +statements; to speak harshly to children or to the poor; to swear, lie, +or use improper language; to hazard random and improbable statements; to +speak rashly or violently upon any subject; to deceive people by +circulating false reports, or to offer up _lip_-service in religion. But +he will use it to convey to mankind useful information; to instruct his +family and others who need it; to warn and reprove the wicked; to +comfort and console the afflicted; to cheer the timid and fearful; to +defend the innocent and oppressed; to plead for the widow and orphan; to +congratulate the success of the virtuous, and to confess, tearfully and +prayerfully, his faults." + +72. Chesterfield says, "Civility is particularly due to all women; and, +remember, that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not +being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be +reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to +their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior +strength of ours; nay, even a little is allowable with women: and a man +may, without weakness, tell a women she is either handsomer or wiser +than she is." (Chesterfield would not have said this in the present age +of strong minded, sensible women.) + +73. There is much tact and good breeding to be displayed in the +correction of any little error that may occur in conversation. To say, +shortly,--"You are wrong! I know better!" is rude, and your friends +will much more readily admit an error if you say courteously and gently, +"Pardon me, but I must take the liberty of correcting you," or, "You +will allow me, I am sure, to tell you that your informant made an +error." If such an error is of no real importance, it is better to let +it pass unnoticed. + +74. Intimate friends and relations should be careful when they go out +into the world together, or admit others to their own circle, that they +do not make a bad use of the knowledge which they have gained of each +other by their intimacy. Nothing is more common than this; and, did it +not mostly proceed from mere carelessness, it would be superlatively +ungenerous. You seldom need wait for the written life of a man to hear +about his weaknesses, or what are supposed to be such, if you know his +intimate friends, or meet him in company with them. + +75. In making your first visit anywhere, you will be less apt to offend +by being too ceremonious, than by being too familiar. + +76. With your friends remember the old proverb, that, "Familiarity +breeds contempt." + +77. If you meet, in society, with any one, be it a gentleman or a lady, +whose timidity or bashfulness, shows them unaccustomed to meeting +others, endeavor, by your own gentleness and courtesy, to place them +more at ease, and introduce to them those who will aid you in this +endeavor. + +78. If, when walking with a gentleman friend, you meet a lady to whom +your friend bows, you, too, must touch or raise your hat, though you +are not acquainted with the lady. + +79. "Although it is now very much the custom, in many wealthy families, +for the butler to remove the dishes from the table and carve them on the +sideboard, thus saving trouble to the master or mistress of the house, +and time to the guests, the practice is not so general even amongst what +are called the higher classes of society that general instructions for +carving will be uninteresting to them, to say nothing of the more +numerous class, who, although enabled to place good dishes before their +friends, are not wealthy enough to keep a butler if they were so +inclined. Good carving is, to a certain extent, indicative of good +society, for it proves to company that the host does not give a dinner +party for the first time, but is accustomed to receive friends, and +frequently to dispense the cheer of a hospitable board. The master or +mistress of a house, who does not know how to carve, is not unfrequently +looked upon as an ignorant _parvenu_, as a person who cannot take a hand +at whist, in good society, is regarded as one who has passed his time in +the parlor of a public house, playing at cribbage or all fours. +Independently, however, of the importance of knowing how to carve well, +for the purpose of regaling one's friends and acquaintances, the +science, and it is a science, is a valuable acquirement for any man, as +it enables him, at a public or private dinner, to render valuable aid. +There are many diners-out who are welcome merely because they know how +to carve. Some men amuse by their conversation; others are favorites +because they can sing a good song; but the man who makes himself useful +and agreeable to all, is he who carves with elegance and speed. We +recommend the novice in this art, to keep a watchful eye upon every +superior carver whom he may meet at dinner. In this way he will soon +become well versed in the art and mystery of cutting up." + +80. Years may pass over our heads without affording an opportunity for +acts of high beneficence or extensive utility; whereas, not a day +passes, but in common transactions of life, and, especially in the +intercourse of society, courtesy finds place for promoting the happiness +of others, and for strengthening in ourselves the habits of unselfish +politeness. There are situations, not a few, in human life, when an +encouraging reception, a condescending behaviour, and a look of +sympathy, bring greater relief to the heart than the most bountiful +gift. + +81. Cecil says, "You may easily make a sensation--but a sensation is a +vulgar triumph. To keep up the sensation of an excitement, you must be +always standing on your head (morally speaking), and the attitude, like +everything overstrained, would become fatiguing to yourself and tedious +to others. Whereas, to obtain permanent favor, as an agreeable, +well-bred man, requires simply an exercise of the understanding." + +82. There is no vice more truly ungentlemanly than that of using profane +language. Lamont says: + +"Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe there never was a +man who made a fortune by common swearing. It often appears that men pay +for swearing, but it seldom happens that they are paid for it. It is not +easy to perceive what honor or credit is connected with it. Does any +man receive promotion because he is a notable blusterer? Or is any man +advanced to dignity because he is expert at profane swearing? Never. Low +must be the character which such impertinence will exalt: high must be +the character which such impertinence will not degrade. Inexcusable, +therefore, must be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to +support it. The drunkard has his cups; the satirist, his revenge; the +ambitious man, his preferments; the miser, his gold; but the common +swearer has nothing; he is a fool at large, sells his soul for nought, +and drudges in the service of the devil gratis. Swearing is void of all +plea; it is not the native offspring of the soul, nor interwoven with +the texture of the body, nor, anyhow, allied to our frame. For, as +Tillotson expresses it, 'Though some men pour out oaths as if they were +natural, yet no man was ever born of a swearing constitution.' But it is +a custom, a low and a paltry custom, picked up by low and paltry spirits +who have no sense of honor, no regard to decency, but are forced to +substitute some rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good +sense. Hence, the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the +silliness of those who adopt it." + +83. Dr. Johnson says that to converse well "there must, in the first +place, be knowledge--there must be materials; in the second place, there +must be a command of words; in the third place, there must be +imagination to place things in such views as they are not commonly seen +in; and, in the fourth place, there must be a presence of mind, and a +resolution that is not to be overcome by failure--this last is an +essential requisite; for want of it, many people do not excel in +conversation." + +84. "Do not constantly endeavor to draw the attention of all upon +yourself when in company. Leave room for your hearers to imagine +something within you beyond what you speak; and, remember, the more you +are praised the more you will be envied." + +85. Be very careful to treat with attention and respect those who have +lately met with misfortunes, or have suffered from loss of fortune. Such +persons are apt to think themselves slighted, when no such thing is +intended. Their minds, being already sore, feel the least rub very +severely, and who would thus cruelly add affliction to the afflicted? +Not the _gentleman_ certainly. + +86. There is hardly any bodily blemish which a winning behavior will not +conceal or make tolerable; and there is no external grace which +ill-nature or affectation will not deform. + +87. Good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of the satirist; +but if you are the first to laugh at a jest made upon yourself, others +will laugh _with_ you instead of _at_ you. + +88. Whenever you see a person insult his inferiors, you may feel assured +that he is the man who will be servile and cringing to his superiors; +and he who acts the bully to the weak, will play the coward when with +the strong. + +89. Maintain, in every word, a strict regard for perfect truth. Do not +think of one falsity as harmless, another as slight, a third as +unintended. Cast them all aside. They may be light and accidental, but +they are an ugly soot from the smoke of the pit for all that, and it is +better to have your heart swept clean of them, without stopping to +consider whether they are large and black. + +90. The advantage and necessity of cheerfulness and intelligent +intercourse with the world is strongly to be recommended. A man who +keeps aloof from society and lives only for himself, does not fulfil the +wise intentions of Providence, who designed that we should be a mutual +help and comfort to each other in life. + +91. Chesterfield says, "Merit and good breeding will make their way +everywhere. Knowledge will introduce man, and good breeding will endear +him to the best companies; for, politeness and good breeding are +absolutely necessary to adorn any, or all, other good qualities or +talents. Without them, no knowledge, no perfection whatever, is seen in +its best light. The scholar, without good breeding, is a pedant; the +philosopher, a cynic; the soldier, a brute; and every man disagreeable." + +92. It is very seldom that a man may permit himself to tell stories in +society; they are, generally, tedious, and, to many present, will +probably have all the weariness of a "twice-told tale." A short, +brilliant anecdote, which is especially applicable to the conversation +going on, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit himself to +inflict. + +93. It is better to take the tone of the society into which you are +thrown, than to endeavor to lead others after you. The way to become +truly popular is to be grave with the grave, jest with the gay, and +converse sensibly with those who seek to display their sense. + +94. Watch each of your actions, when in society, that all the habits +which you contract there may be useful and good ones. Like flakes of +snow that fall unperceived upon the earth, the seemingly unimportant +events of life succeed one another. As the snow gathers together, so are +our habits formed. No single flake that is added to the pile produces a +sensible change--no single action creates, however it may exhibit, a +man's character; but, as the tempest hurls the avalanche down the +mountain, and overwhelms the inhabitant and his habitation, so passion, +acting upon the elements of mischief, which pernicious habits have +brought together by imperceptible accumulation, may overthrow the +edifice of truth and virtue. + +95. There is no greater fault in good breeding than too great +diffidence. Shyness cramps every motion, clogs every word. The only way +to overcome the fault is to mix constantly in society, and the habitual +intercourse with others will give you the graceful ease of manner which +shyness utterly destroys. + +96. If you are obliged to leave a large company at an early hour, take +French leave. Slip away unperceived, if you can, but, at any rate, +without any formal leave-taking. + +97. Avoid quarrels. If you are convinced, even, that you have the right +side in an argument, yield your opinion gracefully, if this is the only +way to avoid a quarrel, saying, "We cannot agree, I see, but this +inability must not deprive me of a friend, so we will discuss the +subject no further." Few men will be able to resist your courtesy and +good nature, but many would try to combat an obstinate adherence to +your own side of the question. + +98. Avoid the filthy habit of which foreigners in this country so justly +complain--I mean spitting. + +99. If any one bows to you in the street, return the bow. It may be an +acquaintance whose face you do not immediately recognize, and if it is a +stranger who mistakes you for another, your courteous bow will relieve +him from the embarrassment arising from his mistake. + +100. The following hints on conversation conclude the chapter:-- + +"Conversation may be carried on successfully by persons who have no idea +that it is or may be an art, as clever things are sometimes done without +study. But there can be no certainty of good conversation in ordinary +circumstances, and amongst ordinary minds, unless certain rules be +observed, and certain errors be avoided. + +"The first and greatest rule unquestionably is, that all must be +favorably disposed towards each other, and willing to be pleased. There +must be no sullen or uneasy-looking person--no one who evidently thinks +he has fallen into unsuitable company, and whose sole aim it is to take +care lest his dignity be injured--no one whose feelings are of so morose +or ascetic a kind that he cannot join without observable pain and +hesitation in the playfulness of the scene--no matter-of-fact person, +who takes all things literally, and means all things literally, and +thinks it as great a crime to say something in jest as to do it in +earnest. One of any of these classes of persons is sufficient to mar the +enjoyments of a hundred. The matter-of-factish may do very well with +the matter-of-factish, the morose with the morose, the stilted with the +stilted; and they should accordingly keep amongst themselves +respectively. But, for what is generally recognized as agreeable +conversation, minds exempted from these peculiarities are required. + +"The ordinary rules of politeness are, of course, necessary--no +rudeness, no offence to each other's self-esteem; on the contrary, much +mutual deference is required, in order to keep all the elements of a +company sweet. Sometimes, however, there is a very turbid kind of +conversation, where there is no want of common good breeding. This, most +frequently, arises from there being too great a disposition to speak, +and too small a disposition to listen. Too many are eager to get their +ideas expressed, or to attract attention; and the consequence is, that +nothing is heard but broken snatches and fragments of discourse, in +which there is neither profit nor entertainment. No man listens to what +another has to say, and then makes a relative or additionally +illustrative remark. One may be heard for a minute, or half a minute, +but it is with manifest impatience; and the moment he is done, or stops +to draw breath, the other plunges in with what _he_ had to say, being +something quite of another strain, and referring to another subject. He +in his turn is interrupted by a third, with the enunciation of some +favorite ideas of his, equally irrelative; and thus conversation becomes +no conversation, but a contention for permission to speak a few hurried +words, which nobody cares to hear, or takes the trouble to answer. +Meanwhile, the modest and weak sit silent and ungratified. The want of +regulation is here very manifest. It would be better to have a president +who should allow everybody a minute in succession to speak without +interruption, than thus to have freedom, and so monstrously to abuse it. +The only remedy, as far as meetings by invitation are concerned, is to +take care that no more eager talkers are introduced than are absolutely +necessary to prevent conversation from flagging. One to every six or +eight persons is the utmost that can be safely allowed. + +"The danger of introducing politics, or any other notoriously +controversial subject, in mixed companies, is so generally acknowledged, +that conversation is in little danger--at least in polite circles--from +that source. But wranglements, nevertheless, are apt to arise. Very +frequently the company falls together by the ears in consequence of the +starting of some topic in which facts are concerned--with which facts no +one chances to be acquainted. + +"Conversation is often much spoilt through slight inattentions or +misapprehensions on the part of a particular member of the company. In +the midst of some interesting narrative or discussion, he suddenly puts +all to a stop, in order that some little perplexity may be explained, +which he could never have fallen into, if he had been paying a fair +degree of attention to what was going on. Or he has some precious +prejudice jarred upon by something said, or supposed to be said, and all +is at a stand, till he has been, through the united exertions of a vexed +company, re-assured and put at his ease. Often the most frivolous +interruption from such causes will disconcert the whole strain of the +conversation, and spoil the enjoyment of a score of people. + +"The eager speakers, already alluded to, are a different class from +those who may be called the determinedly loquacious. A thoroughly +loquacious man has no idea of anything but a constant outpouring of talk +from his own mouth. If he stops for a moment, he thinks he is not doing +his duty to the company; and, anxious that there should be no cause of +complaint against him on that score, he rather repeats a sentence, or +gives the same idea in different words, or hums and haws a little, than +allow the least pause to take place. The notion that any other body can +be desirous of saying a word, never enters his head. He would as soon +suppose that a beggar was anxious to bestow alms upon him, as that any +one could wish to speak, as long as he himself was willing to save them +the trouble. Any attempt to interrupt him is quite hopeless. The only +effect of the sound of another voice is to raise the sound of his own, +so as to drown it. Even to give a slight twist or turn to the flow of +his ideas, is scarce possible. When a decided attempt is made to get in +a few words, he only says, with an air of offended feeling, set off with +a tart courtesy, 'Allow me, sir,' or, 'When you are done, sir;' as if he +were a man whom nobody would allow, on any occasion, to say all he had +to say. If, however, he has been permitted to talk on and on incessantly +a whole evening, to the complete closing of the mouths of the rest, he +goes away with all the benevolent glow of feeling which arises from a +gratified faculty, remarking to the gentleman who takes his arm, 'What a +great deal of pleasant conversation we have had!' and chatters forth +all the way home such sentences as, 'Excellent fellow, our host,' +'charming wife,' 'delightful family altogether,' 'always make everybody +so happy.' + +"Another class of spoilers of conversation are the loud talkers or +blusterers. They are not numerous, but one is enough to destroy the +comfort of thirty people for a whole evening. The least opposition to +any of his ideas makes the blusterer rise in his might, and bellow, and +roar, and bellow again, till the whole company is in something like the +condition of neas's fleet after Eolus has done his worst. The society +enjoyed by this kind of man is a series of _first invitations_. + +"While blusterers and determinedly loquacious persons are best left to +themselves, and while endless worryings on unknown things are to be +avoided, it is necessary both that one or two good conversationists +should be at every party, and that the strain of the conversation should +not be allowed to become too tame. In all invited parties, eight of +every ten persons are disposed to hold their peace, or to confine +themselves to monosyllabic answers to commonplace inquiries. It is +necessary, therefore, that there should be _some_ who can speak, and +that fluently, if not entertainingly--only not too many. But all +engrossing of conversation, and all turbulence, and over-eagerness, and +egotism, are to be condemned. A very soft and quiet manner has, at last, +been settled upon, in the more elevated circles, as the best for +conversation. Perhaps they carry it to a pitch of affectation; but, yet, +when we observe the injurious consequences of the opposite style in less +polite companies, it is not easy to avoid the conclusion that the great +folks are, upon the whole, right. In the courtly scene, no one has his +ears offended with loud and discordant tones, no one is condemned to +absolute silence. All display in conversation will not depend on the +accidental and external quality of strength of voice, as it must do +where a loud and contentious style of talking is allowed; the soft-toned +and the weak-lunged will have as good a chance as their more robust +neighbors; and it will be possible for all both to speak and to hear. +There may be another advantage in its being likely to produce less +mental excitement than the more turbulent kind of society. But +_regulation_ is, we are persuaded, the thing most of all wanted in the +conversational meetings of the middle classes. People interrupt each +other too much--are too apt to run away into their own favorite themes, +without caring for the topic of their neighbors--too frequently wrangle +about trifles. The regularity of a debating society would be +intolerable; but some certain degree of method might certainly be +introduced with great advantage. There should, at least, be a vigorous +enforcement of the rule against more than one speaking at a time, even +though none of those waiting for their turn should listen to a word he +says. Without this there may be much talk, and even some merriment, but +no conversation." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +PARTIES. + + +Now, there are many different kinds of parties. There are the evening +party, the matine, the reading, dancing, and singing parties, the +picnic, the boating, and the riding parties; and the duties for each one +are distinct, yet, in many points, similar. Our present subject is:-- + + +THE EVENING PARTY. + +These are of two kinds, large and small. For the first, you will receive +a formal card, containing the compliments of your hostess for a certain +evening, and this calls for full dress, a dress coat, and white or very +light gloves. To the small party you will probably be invited verbally, +or by a more familiar style of note than the compliment card. Here you +may wear gloves if you will, but you need not do so unless perfectly +agreeable to yourself. + +If you are to act as escort to a lady, you must call at the hour she +chooses to name, and the most elegant way is to take a carriage for her. +If you wish to present a bouquet, you may do so with perfect propriety, +even if you have but a slight acquaintance with her. + +When you reach the house of your hostess for the evening, escort your +companion to the dressing-room, and leave her at the door. After you +have deposited your own hat and great-coat in the gentlemen's +dressing-room, return to the ladies' door and wait for your companion. +Offer her your right arm, and lead her to the drawing-room, and, at +once, to the hostess, then take her to a seat, and remain with her until +she has other companions, before you seek any of your own friends in the +room. + +There is much more real enjoyment and sociability in a _well-arranged_ +party, than in a ball, though many of the points of etiquette to be +observed in the latter are equally applicable to the former. There is +more time allowed for conversation, and, as there are not so many people +collected, there is also more opportunity for forming acquaintances. At +a _soire_, _par excellence_, music, dancing, and conversation are all +admissible, and if the hostess has tact and discretion this variety is +very pleasing. As there are many times when there is no pianist or music +engaged for dancing, you will do well, if you are a performer on the +piano-forte, to learn some quadrilles, and round dances, that you may +volunteer your services as _orchestra_. Do not, in this case, wait to be +solicited to play, but offer your services to the hostess, or, if there +is a lady at the piano, ask permission to relieve her. To turn the +leaves for another, and sometimes call figures, are also good natured +and well-bred actions. + +There is one piece of rudeness very common at parties, against which I +would caution you. Young people very often form a group, and indulge in +the most boisterous merriment and loud laughter, for jests known only to +themselves. Do not join such a group. A well-bred man, while he is +cheerful and gay, will avoid any appearance of romping in society. + +If dancing is to be the amusement for the evening, your first dance +should be with the lady whom you accompanied, then, invite your hostess, +and, if there are several ladies in the family you must invite each of +them once, in the course of the evening. If you go alone, invite the +ladies of the house before dancing with any of your other lady friends. + +Never attempt any dance with which you are not perfectly familiar. +Nothing is more awkward and annoying than to have one dancer, by his +ignorance of the figures, confuse all the others in the set, and +certainly no man wants to show off his ignorance of the steps of a round +dance before a room full of company. + +Do not devote yourself too much to one lady. A party is meant to promote +sociability, and a man who persists in a tte--tte for the evening, +destroys this intention. Besides you prevent others from enjoying the +pleasure of intercourse with the lady you thus monopolize. + +Avoid any affectation of great intimacy with any lady present; and even +if you really enjoy such intimacy, or she is a relative, do not appear +to have confidential conversation, or, in any other way, affect airs of +secrecy or great familiarity. + +Dance easily and gracefully, keeping perfect time, but not taking too +great pains with your steps. If your whole attention is given to your +feet or carriage, you will probably be mistaken for a dancing master. + +When you conduct your partner to a seat after a dance, you may sit or +stand beside her to converse, unless you see that another gentleman is +waiting to invite her to dance. + +Do not take the vacant seat next a lady unless you are acquainted with +her. + +After dancing, do not offer your hand, but your arm, to conduct your +partner to her seat. + +If music is called for and you are able to play or sing, do so when +first invited, or, if you refuse then, do not afterwards comply. If you +refuse, and then alter your mind you will either be considered a vain +coxcomb, who likes to be urged; or some will conclude that you refused +at first from mere caprice, for, if you had a good reason for declining, +why change your mind? + +Never offer to turn the leaves of music for any one playing, unless you +can read the notes, for you run the risk of confusing them, by turning +too soon or too late. + +If you sing a good second, never sing with a lady unless she herself +invites you. Her friends may wish to hear you sing together, when she +herself may not wish to sing with one to whose voice and time she is +unaccustomed. + +Do not start a conversation whilst any one is either playing or singing, +and if another person commences one, speak in a tone that will not +prevent others from listening to the music. + +If you play yourself, do not wait for silence in the room before you +begin. If you play well, those really fond of music will cease to +converse, and listen to you; and those who do not care for it, will not +stop talking if you wait upon the piano stool until day dawn. + +Relatives should avoid each other at a party, as they can enjoy one +another's society at home, and it is the constantly changing +intercourse, and complete sociability that make a party pleasant. + +Private concerts and amateur theatricals are very often the occasions +for evening parties, and make a very pleasant variety on the usual +dancing and small talk. An English writer, speaking of them, says: + +"Private concerts and amateur theatricals ought to be very good to be +successful. Professionals alone should be engaged for the former, none +but real amateurs for the latter. Both ought to be, but rarely are, +followed by a supper, since they are generally very fatiguing, if not +positively trying. In any case, refreshments and ices should be handed +between the songs and the acts. Private concerts are often given in the +'morning,' that is, from two to six P. M.; in the evening their hours +are from eight to eleven. The rooms should be arranged in the same +manner as for a reception, the guests should be seated, and as music is +the avowed object, a general silence preserved while it lasts. Between +the songs the conversation ebbs back again, and the party takes the +general form of a reception. For private theatricals, however, where +there is no special theatre, and where the curtain is hung, as is most +common, between the folding-doors, the audience-room must be filled with +chairs and benches in rows, and, if possible, the back rows raised +higher than the others. These are often removed when the performance is +over, and the guests then converse, or, sometimes, even dance. During +the acting it is rude to talk, except in a very low tone, and, be it +good or bad, you would never think of hissing." + +If you are alone, and obliged to retire early from an evening party, do +not take leave of your hostess, but slip away unperceived. + +If you have escorted a lady, her time must be yours, and she will tell +you when she is ready to go. See whether the carriage has arrived before +she goes to the dressing-room, and return to the parlor to tell her. If +the weather was pleasant when you left home, and you walked, ascertain +whether it is still pleasant; if not, procure a carriage for your +companion. When it is at the door, join her in the drawing-room, and +offer your arm to lead her to the hostess for leave-taking, making your +own parting bow at the same time, then take your companion to the door +of the ladies' dressing-room, get your own hat and wait in the entry +until she comes out. + +When you reach your companion's house, do not accept her invitation to +enter, but ask permission to call in the morning, or the following +evening, and make that call. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +COURTESY AT HOME. + + +There are many men in this world, who would be horror struck if accused +of the least breach of etiquette towards their friends and acquaintances +abroad, and yet, who will at home utterly disregard the simplest rules +of politeness, if such rules interfere in the least with their own +selfish gratification. They disregard the pure and holy ties which +should make courtesy at home a pleasure as well as a duty. They forget +that home has a sweet poetry of its own, created out of the simplest +materials, yet, haunting, more or less, the secret recesses of every +human heart; it is divided into a thousand separate poems, which should +be full of individual interest, little quiet touches of feeling and +golden recollections, which, in the heart of a truly noble man, are +interwoven with his very being. Common things are, to him, hallowed and +made beautiful by the spell of memory and association, owing all their +glory to the halo of his own pure, fond affection. The eye of a stranger +rests coldly on such revelations; their simple pathos is hard to be +understood; and they smile oftentimes at the quaintness of those +passages which make others weep. With the beautiful instinct of true +affection, home love retains only the good. There were clouds then, +even as now, darkening the horizon of daily life, and breaking tears or +wild storms above our heads; but he remembers nothing save the sunshine, +and fancies somehow that it has never shone so bright since! How little +it took to make him happy in those days, aye, and sad also; but it was a +pleasant sadness, for he wept only over a flower or a book. But let us +turn to our first poem; and in using this term we allude, of course, to +the poetry of idea, rather than that of the measure; beauty of which is +so often lost to us from a vague feeling that it cannot exist without +rhythm. But pause and listen, first of all, gentle reader, to the living +testimony of a poet heart, brimful, and gushing over with home +love:--"There are not, in the unseen world, voices more gentle and more +true, that may be more implicitly relied on, or that are so certain to +give none but the tenderest counsel, as the voices in which the spirits +of the fireside and the hearth address themselves to human kind!" + +The man who shows his contempt for these holy ties and associations by +pulling off his mask of courtesy as soon as his foot passes his own +threshold, is not really a gentleman, but a selfish tyrant, whose true +qualities are not courtesy and politeness, but a hypocritical +affectation of them, assumed to obtain a footing in society. Avoid such +men. Even though you are one of the favored ones abroad who receive +their gentle courtesy, you may rest assured that the heartless egotism +which makes them rude and selfish at home, will make their friendship +but a name, if circumstances ever put it to the test. Above all, avoid +their example. + +In what does the home circle consist? First, there are the parents who +have watched over your infancy and childhood, and whom you are commanded +by the Highest Power to "honor." Then the brothers and sisters, the wife +who has left her own home and all its tender ties for your sake, and the +children who look to you for example, guidance, and instruction. + +Who else on the broad earth can lay the same claim to your gentleness +and courtesy that they can? If you are rude at home, then is your +politeness abroad a mere cloak to conceal a bad, selfish heart. + +The parents who have anxiously watched over your education, have the +first right to the fruits of it, and all the _gentleman_ should be +exerted to repay them for the care they have taken of you since your +birth. All the rules of politeness, of generosity, of good nature, +patience, and respectful affection should be exerted for your parents. +You owe to them a pure, filial love, void of personal interest, which +should prompt you to study all their tastes, their likes, and aversions, +in order to indulge the one and avoid the other; you owe to them polite +attention, deference to all their wishes, and compliance with their +requests. Every joy will be doubled to them, if you show a frank +pleasure in its course, and no comfort can soothe the grief of a parent +so much as the sympathizing love of a dutiful son. If they are old, +dependent upon you for support, then can you still better prove to them +that the tender care they lavished upon you, when you depended upon +their love for everything, was not lost, but was good seed sown upon +fruitful ground. Nay, if with the infirmities of age come the crosses +of bad temper, or exacting selfishness, your duty still lies as plainly +before you. It is but the promptings of natural affection that will lead +you to love and cherish an indulgent parent; but it is a pure, high +virtue which makes a son love and cherish with an equal affection a +selfish, negligent mother, or a tyrannical, harsh father. No failure in +their duty can excuse you if you fail in yours; and, even if they are +wicked, you are not to be their judge, but, while you detest and avoid +their sin, you must still love the sinner. Nothing but the grossest and +most revolting brutality could make a man reproach his parents with the +feebleness of age or illness, or the incapacity to exert their talents +for support. + +An eminent writer, in speaking of a man's duties, says: "Do all in your +power to render your parents comfortable and happy; if they are aged and +infirm, be with them as often as you can, carry them tokens of your +love, and show them that you feel a tender interest in their happiness. +Be all to your parents, which you would wish your children to be to +you." + +Next, in the home circle, come your brothers and sisters, and here you +will find the little courtesies, which, as a gentleman, should be +habitual to you, will ensure the love a man should most highly prize, +the love of his brother and sister. Next to his filial love, this is the +first tie of his life, and should be valued as it deserves. + +If you are the eldest of the family, you may, by your example, influence +your brothers to good or evil, and win or alienate the affections of +your little sisters. There is scarcely a more enthusiastic affection in +the world than that a sister feels for an elder brother. Even though he +may not repay the devotion as it deserves, she will generally cherish +it, and invest him with the most heroic qualities, while her tender +little heart, though it may quiver with the pain of a harsh word or rude +action, will still try to find an excuse for "brother's" want of +affection. If you show an interest in the pursuits of the little circle +at whose head your age entitles you to stand, you will soon find they +all look up to you, seek your advice, crave your sympathy, and follow +your example. The eldest son holds a most responsible position. Should +death or infirmity deprive him of a father's counsel, he should be +prepared to stand forth as the head of the family, and take his father's +place towards his mother and the younger children. + +Every man should feel, that in the character and dignity of his sisters +his own honor is involved. An insult or affront offered to them, becomes +one to him, and he is the person they will look to for protection, and +to prevent its repetition. By his own manner to them he can ensure to +them the respect or contempt of other men whom they meet when in his +society. How can he expect that his friends will treat his sisters with +gentleness, respect, and courtesy, if they see him constantly rude, +disrespectful, and contemptuous towards them? But, if his own manner is +that of affectionate respect, he need not fear for them rudeness from +others, while they are under his protection. An American writer says:-- + +"Nothing in a family strikes the eye of a visitor with more delight than +to see brothers treat their sisters with kindness, civility, attention, +and love. On the contrary, nothing is more offensive or speaks worse +for the honor of a family, than that coarse, rude, unkind manner which +brothers sometimes exhibit." + +The same author says:-- + +"Beware how you speak of your sisters. Even gold is tarnished by much +handling. If you speak in their praise--of their beauty, learning, +manners, wit, or attentions--you will subject them to taunt and +ridicule; if you say anything against them, you will bring reproach upon +yourself and them too. If you have occasion to speak of them, do it with +modesty and few words. Let others do all the praising and yourself enjoy +it. If you are separated from them, maintain with them a correspondence. +This will do yourself good as well as them. Do not neglect this duty, +nor grow remiss in it. Give your friendly advice and seek theirs in +return. As they mingle intimately with their sex, they can enlighten +your mind respecting many particulars relating to female character, +important for you to know; and, on the other hand, you have the same +opportunity to do them a similar service. However long or widely +separated from them, keep up your fraternal affection and intercourse. +It is ominous of evil when a young man forgets his sister. + +"If you are living at home with them, you may do them a thousand little +services, which will cost you nothing but pleasure, and which will +greatly add to theirs. If they wish to go out in the evening--to a +lecture, concert, a visit, or any other object,--always be happy, if +possible, to wait upon them. Consider their situation, and think how +you would wish them to treat you if the case were reversed." + +A young man once said to an elderly lady, who expressed her regret at +his having taken some trouble and denied himself a pleasure to gratify +her:-- + +"Madam, I am far away from my mother and sisters now, but when I was at +home, my greatest pleasure was to protect them and gratify all their +wishes; let me now place you in their stead, and you will not have cause +again to feel regret, for you can think 'he _must love_ to deny himself +for one who represents his mother.'" + +The old lady afterwards spoke of him as a perfect gentleman, and was +contradicted by a younger person who quoted some fault in etiquette +committed by the young man in company. "Ah, that may be," said her +friend; "but what I call a gentleman, is not the man who performs to the +minutest point all the little ceremonies of society, but the one whose +_heart_ prompts him to be polite at home." + +If you have left the first home circle, that comprising your parents, +brothers, and sisters, to take up the duties of a husband and father, +you must carry to your new home the same politeness I have advised you +to exert in the home of your childhood. + +Your wife claims your courtesy more now, even, than when you were +courting her. She has given up, for your sake, all the freedom and +pleasures of her maidenhood, and to you she looks for a love that will +replace them all. Can you disappoint that trusting affection? Before +your marriage you thought no stretch of courtesy too great, if the +result was to afford her pleasure; why, then, not strive to _keep_ her +love, by the same gentle courtesy you exerted to _win_ it? + +"A delicate attention to the minute wants and wishes of your wife, will +tend, more than anything else, to the promotion of your domestic +happiness. It requires no sacrifices, occupies but a small degree of +attention, yet is the fertile source of bliss; since it convinces the +object of your regard, that, with the duties of a husband, you have +united the more punctilious behaviour of a lover. These trivial tokens +of regard certainly make much way in the affections of a woman of sense +and discernment, who looks not to the value of the gifts she receives, +but perceives in their frequency a continued evidence of the existence +and ardor of that love on which the superstructure of her happiness has +been erected. The strongest attachment will decline, if you receive it +with diminished warmth." + +Mrs. Thrale gives the following advice, which is worth the consideration +of every young man: + +"After marriage," she says, "when your violence of passion subsides, and +a more cool and tranquil affection takes its place, be not hasty to +censure as indifferent, or to lament yourself as unhappy; you have lost +that only which it is impossible to retain; and it were graceless amidst +the pleasures of a prosperous summer, to regret the blossoms of a +transient spring. Neither unwarily condemn your bride's insipidity, till +you have recollected that no object, however sublime, no sound, however +charming, can continue to transport us with delight, when they no longer +strike us with novelty. The skill to renovate the powers of pleasing is +said, indeed, to be possessed by some women in an eminent degree, but +the artifices of maturity are seldom seen to adorn the innocence of +youth. You have made your choice and ought to approve it. + +"To be happy, we must always have something in view. Turn, therefore, +your attention to her mind, which will daily grow brighter by polishing. +Study some easy science together, and acquire a similarity of tastes, +while you enjoy a community of pleasures. You will, by this means, have +many pursuits in common, and be freed from the necessity of separating +to find amusement; endeavor to cement the present union on every side; +let your wife never be kept ignorant of your income, your expenses, your +friendships, or your aversions; let her know your very faults, but make +them amiable by your virtues; consider all concealment as a breach of +fidelity; let her never have anything to find out in your character, and +remember that from the moment one of the partners turns spy upon the +other, they have commenced a state of hostility. + +"Seek not for happiness in singularity, and dread a refinement of wisdom +as a deviation into folly. Listen not to those sages who advise you +always to scorn the counsel of a woman, and if you comply with her +requests pronounce you to be wife-ridden. Think not any privation, +except of positive evil, an excellence; and do not congratulate yourself +that your wife is not a learned lady, or is wholly ignorant how to make +a pudding. Cooking and learning are both good in their places, and may +both be used with advantage. With regard to expense, I can only observe, +that the money laid out in the purchase of luxuries is seldom or ever +profitably employed. We live in an age when splendid furniture and +glittering equipage are grown too common to catch the notice of the +meanest spectator; and for the greater ones, they can only regard our +wasteful folly with silent contempt or open indignation. + +"This may, perhaps, be a displeasing reflection; but the following +consideration ought to make amends. The age we live in pays, I think, a +peculiar attention to the higher distinctions of wit, knowledge, and +virtue, to which we may more safely, more cheaply, and more honorably +aspire. + +"The person of your lady will not grow more pleasing to you; but, pray, +let her not suspect that it grows less so. There is no reproof, however +pointed, no punishment, however severe, that a woman of spirit will not +prefer to neglect; and if she can endure it without complaint, it only +proves that she means to make herself amends by the attention of others +for the slights of her husband. For this, and for every other reason, it +behoves a married man not to let his politeness fail, though his ardour +may abate; but to retain, at least, that general civility towards his +own lady which he is willing to pay to every other, and not show a wife +of eighteen or twenty years old, that every man in company can treat her +with more complaisance than he who so often vowed to her eternal +fondness. + +"It is not my opinion that a young woman should be indulged in every +wild wish of her gay heart, or giddy head; but contradiction may be +softened by domestic kindness, and quiet pleasures substituted in the +place of noisy ones. Public amusements, indeed, are not so expensive as +is sometimes imagined; but they tend to alienate the minds of married +people from each other. A well-chosen society of friends and +acquaintances, more eminent for virtue and good sense than for gaiety +and splendor, where the conversation of the day may afford comment for +the evening, seems the most rational pleasure that can be afforded. That +your own superiority should always be seen, but never felt, seems an +excellent general rule. + +"If your wife is disposed towards jealousy of you, let me beseech you be +always explicit with her, never mysterious. Be above delighting in her +pain in all things." + +After your duty to your wife comes that towards the children whom God +lends to you, to fit them to return pure and virtuous to him. This is +your task, responsibility, and trust, to be undertaken prayerfully, +earnestly, and humbly, as the highest and most sacred duty this life +ever can afford you. + +The relationship between parent and child, is one that appears to have +been ordained by Providence, to bring the better feelings of mankind and +many domestic virtues into active exercise. The implicit confidence with +which children, when properly treated, look up to their elders for +guidance is not less beautiful than endearing; and no parents can set +about the work of guiding aright, in real earnest, without deriving as +much good as they impart. The feeling with which this labor of love +would be carried forward is, as the poet writes of mercy, twice +blessed:-- + + "It blesses him that gives and him that takes." + +And yet, in daily life and experience, how seldom do we find these views +realized! Children, in too many instances, are looked on as anything but +a blessing; they are treated as incumbrances, or worse; and the neglect +in which they are brought up, renders it almost impossible for them, +when they grow older, to know anything properly of moral or social +duties. This result we know, in numerous cases, is not willful, does not +arise from ill intentions on the part of parents, but from want of fixed +plans and principles. There are hundreds of families in this country +whose daily life is nothing better than a daily scramble, where time and +place, from getting up in the morning to going to bed at night, are +regarded as matters of chance. In such homes as these, where the inmates +are willing to do well, but don't know how, a word in season is often +welcome. "Great principles," we are told, "are at the bottom of all +things; but to apply them to daily life, many little rules, precautions, +and insights are needed." + +The work of training is, in some degree, lightened by the fact, that +children are very imitative; what they see others do, they will try to +do themselves, and if they see none but good examples, good conduct on +their part may naturally be looked for. Children are keen observers, and +are very ready at drawing conclusions when they see a want of +correspondence between profession and practice, in those who have the +care of them. At the age of seven, the child's brain has reached its +full growth; it seldom becomes larger after that period, and it then +contains the germ of all that the man ever accomplishes. Here is an +additional reason for laying down the precept:--be yourselves what you +wish the children to be. When correction is necessary, let it be +administered in such a way as to make the child refrain from doing wrong +from a desire to do right, not for the sole reason that wrong brings +punishment. All experience teaches us that if a good thing is to be +obtained, it must be by persevering diligence; and of all good things, +the pleasure arising from a well-trained family is one of the greatest. +Parents, or educators, have no right to use their children just as whim +or prejudice may dictate. Children are smaller links in the great social +chain, and bind together in lasting ties many portions which otherwise +would be completely disjointed; their joyousness enlivens many a home, +and their innocence is a powerful check and antidote to much that is +evil. The implicit obedience which is required of them, will always be +given when called forth by a spirit of forbearance, self-sacrifice, and +love:-- + + "Ere long comes the reward, + And for the cares and toils we have endured, + Repays us joys and pleasures manifold." + +If you cherish and honor your own parents, then do you give your +children the most forcible teaching for their duty, _example_. And your +duty to your children requires your example to be good in all things. +How can you expect counsel to virtue to have any effect, if you +constantly contradict it by a bad example? Do not forget, that early +impressions are deep and lasting, and from their infancy let them see +you keep an upright, noble walk in life, then may you hope to see them +follow in your footsteps. + +Justice, as a sentiment, is inborn, and no one distinguishes its +niceties more quickly than a child. Therefore in your rewards and +punishments examine carefully every part of their conduct, and judge +calmly, not hastily, and be sure you are just. An unmerited reward will +make a child question your judgment as much as an unmerited punishment. + +Guard your temper. Never reprove a child in the heat of passion. + +If your sons see that you regard the rules of politeness in your home, +you will find that they treat their mother and sisters with respect and +courtesy, and observe, even in play, the rules of etiquette your example +teaches; but if you are a domestic tyrant, all your elder and stronger +children will strive to act like "father," by ill-treating or neglecting +the younger and weaker ones. + +Make them, from the moment they begin to talk, use pure and grammatical +language, avoid slang phrases, and, above all, profanity. You will find +this rule, enforced during childhood, will have more effect than a +library full of books or the most unwearied instruction can accomplish, +after bad habits in conversation have once been formed. + +Make them, from early childhood, observe the rules of politeness towards +each other. Let your sons treat your daughters as, when men, you would +have them treat other females, and let your daughters, by gentleness and +love, repay these attentions. You may feel sure that the brothers and +sisters, who are polite one to another, will not err in etiquette when +abroad. + +In the home circle may very properly be included the humble portion, +whose onerous duties are too often repaid by harshness and rudeness; I +mean the servants. A true gentleman, while he never allows familiarity +from his servants, will always remember that they are human beings, who +feel kindness or rudeness as keenly as the more favored ones up stairs. +Chesterfield says:-- + +"There is a certain politeness _due_ to your inferiors, and whoever is +without it, is without good nature. We do not need to compliment our +servants, nor to talk of their doing us the honor, &c., but we ought to +treat them with benevolence and mildness. We are all of the same +species, and no distinction whatever is between us, except that which +arises from fortune. For example, your footman and cook would be your +equals were they as rich as you. Being poor they are obliged to serve +you. Therefore, you must not add to their misfortunes by insulting or +ill-treating them. If your situation is preferable to theirs, be +thankful, without either despising them or being vain of your better +fortune. You must, therefore, treat all your inferiors with affability +and good manners, and not speak to them in a surly tone, nor with harsh +expressions, as if they were of a different species. A good heart never +reminds people of their inferiority, but endeavors to alleviate their +misfortunes, and make them forget them." + +"Example," says Mrs. Parkes, "is of the greatest importance to our +servants, particularly those who are young, whose habits are frequently +formed by the first service they enter. With the mild and good, they +become softened and improved, but with the dissipated and violent, are +too often disorderly and vicious. It is, therefore, not among the least +of the duties incumbent on the head of the family, to place in their +view such examples as are worthy their imitation. But these examples, +otherwise praiseworthy, should neither be rendered disagreeable, nor +have their force diminished by any accompaniment of ill humor. Rather by +the happiness and comfort resulting from our conduct towards our +domestics, should they be made sensible of the beauty of virtue. What we +admire, we often strive to imitate, and thus they may be led on to +imitate good principles, and to form regular and virtuous habits." + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +TRUE COURTESY. + + +Politeness is the art of pleasing. It is to the deportment what the +finer touches of the pencil are to the picture, or what harmony is to +music. In the formation of character, it is indispensably requisite. "We +are all," says Locke, "a kind of chameleons, that take a tincture from +the objects which surround us." True courtesy, indeed, chiefly consists +in accommodating ourselves to the feelings of others, without descending +from our own dignity, or denuding ourselves of our own principles. By +constant intercourse with society, we acquire what is called politeness +almost intuitively, as the shells of the sea are rendered smooth by the +unceasing friction of the waves; though there appears to be a natural +grace about the well-bred, which many feel it difficult to attain. + +Religion itself teaches us to honor all men, and to do unto others as we +would others do unto us. This includes the whole principle of courtesy, +which in this we may remark, assimilates to the principle of justice. It +comprises, indeed, all the moral virtues in one, consisting not merely +in external show, but having its principle in the heart. The politeness +which superficial writers are fond of describing, has been defined as +"the appearance of all the virtues, without possessing one of them;" but +by this is meant the mere outward parade, or that kind of artificial +adornment of demeanor, which owes its existence to an over-refinement of +civility. Anything forced or formal is contrary to the very character of +courtesy, which does not consist in a becoming deportment alone, but is +prompted and guided by a superior mind, impelling the really polite +person to bear with the failings of some, to overlook the weakness of +others, and to endure patiently the caprices of all. Indeed, one of the +essential characteristics of courtesy is good nature, and an inclination +always to look at the bright side of things. + +The principal rules of politeness are, to subdue the temper, to submit +to the weakness of our fellow men, and to render to all their due, +freely and courteously. These, with the judgment to recommend ourselves +to those whom we meet in society, and the discrimination to know when +and to whom to yield, as well as the discretion to treat all with the +deference due to their reputation, station, or merit, comprise, in +general, the character of a polite man, over which the admission of even +one blot or shade will throw a blemish not easily removed. + +Sincerity is another essential characteristic of courtesy; for, without +it, the social system would have no permanent foundation or hope of +continuance. It is the want of this which makes society, what it is said +to be, artificial. + +Good breeding, in a great measure, consists in being easy, but not +indifferent; good humored, but not familiar; passive, but not +unconcerned. It includes, also, a sensibility nice, yet correct; a tact +delicate, yet true. There is a beautiful uniformity in the demeanor of a +polite man; and it is impossible not to be struck with his affable air. +There is a golden mean in the art, which it should be every body's +object to attain, without descending to obsequiousness on the one hand, +or to familiarity on the other. In politeness, as in everything else, +there is the medium betwixt too much and too little, betwixt constraint +and freedom; for civilities carried to extreme are wearisome, and mere +ceremony is not politeness, but the reverse. + +The truly pious people are the truly courteous. "Religion," says +Leighton, "is in this mistaken sometimes, in that we think it imprints a +roughness and austerity upon the mind and carriage. It doth, indeed, bar +all vanity and lightness, and all compliance;" but it softens the +manners, tempers the address, and refines the heart. + +Pride is one of the greatest obstacles to true courtesy that can be +mentioned. He who assumes too much on his own merit, shows that he does +not understand the simplest principles of politeness. The feeling of +pride is, of itself, highly culpable. No man, whether he be a monarch on +the throne, or the meanest beggar in his realm, possesses any right to +comport himself with a haughty or discourteous air towards his fellow +men. The poet truly says: + + "What most ennobles human nature, + Was ne'er the portion of the proud." + +It is easy to bestow a kind word, or assume a gracious smile; these +will recommend us to every one; while a haughty demeanor, or an austere +look, may forfeit forever the favor of those whose good opinion we may +be anxious to secure. The really courteous man has a thorough knowledge +of human nature, and can make allowances for its weaknesses. He is +always consistent with himself. The polite alone know how to make others +polite, as the good alone know how to inspire others with a relish for +virtue. + +Having mentioned pride as being opposed to true politeness, I may class +affectation with it, in that respect. Affectation is a deviation from, +at the same time that it is an imitation of, nature. It is the result of +bad taste, and of mistaken notions of one's own qualities. The other +vices are limited, and have each a particular object; but affectation +pervades the whole conduct, and detracts from the merit of whatever +virtues and good dispositions a man may possess. Beauty itself loses its +attraction, when disfigured by affectation. Even to copy from the best +patterns is improper, because the imitation can never be so good as the +original. Counterfeit coin is not so valuable as the real, and when +discovered, it cannot pass current. Affectation is a sure sign that +there is something to conceal, rather than anything to be proud of, in +the character and disposition of the persons practicing it. + +In religion, affectation, or, as it is fitly called, hypocrisy, is +reprehensible in the highest degree. However grave be their deportment, +of all affected persons, those who, without any real foundation, make +too great pretensions to piety, are certainly the most culpable. The +mask serves to conceal innumerable faults, and, as has been well +remarked, a false devotion too often usurps the place of the true. We +can less secure ourselves against pretenders in matters of religion, +than we can against any other species of impostors; because the mind +being biased in favor of the subject, consults not reason as to the +individual. The conduct of people, which cannot fail to be considered an +evidence of their principles, ought at all times to be conformable to +their pretensions. When God alone is all we are concerned for, we are +not solicitous about mere human approbation. + +Hazlitt says:--"Few subjects are more nearly allied than these +two--vulgarity and affectation. It may be said of them truly that 'thin +partitions do their bounds divide.' There cannot be a surer proof of a +low origin or of an innate meanness of disposition, than to be always +talking and thinking of being genteel. One must feel a strong tendency +to that which one is always trying to avoid; whenever we pretend, on all +occasions, a mighty contempt for anything, it is a pretty clear sign +that we feel ourselves very nearly on a level with it. Of the two +classes of people, I hardly know which is to be regarded with most +distaste, the vulgar aping the genteel, or the genteel constantly +sneering at and endeavoring to distinguish themselves from the vulgar. +These two sets of persons are always thinking of one another; the lower +of the higher with envy, the more fortunate of their less happy +neighbors with contempt. They are habitually placed in opposition to +each other; jostle in their pretensions at every turn; and the same +objects and train of thought (only reversed by the relative situations +of either party) occupy their whole time and attention. The one are +straining every nerve, and outraging common sense, to be thought +genteel; the others have no other object or idea in their heads than not +to be thought vulgar. This is but poor spite; a very pitiful style of +ambition. To be merely not that which one heartily despises, is a very +humble claim to superiority; to despise what one really is, is still +worse. + +"Gentility is only a more select and artificial kind of vulgarity. It +cannot exist but by a sort of borrowed distinction. It plumes itself up +and revels in the homely pretensions of the mass of mankind. It judges +of the worth of everything by name, fashion, opinion; and hence, from +the conscious absence of real qualities or sincere satisfaction in +itself, it builds its supercilious and fantastic conceit on the +wretchedness and wants of others. Violent antipathies are always +suspicious, and betray a secret affinity. The difference between the +'Great Vulgar and the Small' is mostly in outward circumstances. The +coxcomb criticises the dress of the clown, as the pedant cavils at the +bad grammar of the illiterate. Those who have the fewest resources in +themselves, naturally seek the food of their self-love elsewhere. The +most ignorant people find most to laugh at in strangers; scandal and +satire prevail most in country-places; and a propensity to ridicule +every the slightest or most palpable deviation from what we happen to +approve, ceases with the progress of common sense. True worth does not +exult in the faults and deficiencies of others; as true refinement turns +away from grossness and deformity instead of being tempted to indulge in +an unmanly triumph over it. Raphael would not faint away at the daubing +of a sign painter, nor Homer hold his head the higher for being in the +company of the poorest scribbler that ever attempted poetry. Real power, +real excellence, does not seek for a foil in inferiority, nor fear +contamination from coming in contact with that which is coarse and +homely. It reposes on itself, and is equally free from spleen and +affectation. But the spirit of both these small vices is in _gentility_ +as the word stands in vulgar minds: of affected delight in its own +would-be qualifications, and of ineffable disdain poured out upon the +involuntary blunders or accidental disadvantages of those whom it +chooses to treat as inferiors. + +"The essence of vulgarity, I imagine, consists in taking manners, +actions, words, opinions on trust from others, without examining one's +own feelings or weighing the merits of the case. It is coarseness or +shallowness of taste arising from want of individual refinement, +together with the confidence and presumption inspired by example and +numbers. It may be defined to be a prostitution of the mind or body to +ape the more or less obvious defects of others, because by so doing we +shall secure the suffrages of those we associate with. To affect a +gesture, an opinion, a phrase, because it is the rage with a large +number of persons, or to hold it in abhorrence because another set of +persons very little, if at all, better informed, cry it down to +distinguish themselves from the former, is in either case equal +vulgarity and absurdity. A thing is not vulgar merely because it is +common. 'Tis common to breathe, to see, to feel, to live. Nothing is +vulgar that is natural, spontaneous, unavoidable. Grossness is not +vulgarity, ignorance is not vulgarity, awkwardness is not vulgarity; but +all these become vulgar when they are affected, and shown off on the +authority of others, or to fall in with _the fashion_ or the company we +keep. Caliban is coarse enough, but surely he is not vulgar. We might as +well spurn the clod under our feet, and call it vulgar. + +"All slang phrases are vulgar; but there is nothing vulgar in the common +English idiom. Simplicity is not vulgarity; but the looking to +affectation of any sort for distinction is." + +To sum up, it may be said, that if you wish to possess the good opinion +of your fellow men, the way to secure it is, to be actually what you +pretend to be, or rather to appear always precisely what you are. Never +depart from the native dignity of your character, which you can only +maintain irreproachable by being careful not to imitate the vices, or +adopt the follies of others. The best way in all cases you will find to +be, to adhere to truth, and to abide by the talents and appliances which +have been bestowed upon you by Providence. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +LETTER WRITING. + + +There is no branch of a man's education, no portion of his intercourse +with other men, and no quality which will stand him in good stead more +frequently than the capability of writing a good letter upon any and +every subject. In business, in his intercourse with society, in, I may +say, almost every circumstance of his life, he will find his pen called +into requisition. Yet, although so important, so almost indispensable an +accomplishment, it is one which is but little cultivated, and a letter, +perfect in every part, is a great rarity. + +In the composition of a good letter there are many points to be +considered, and we take first the simplest and lowest, namely, the +spelling. + +Many spell badly from ignorance, but more from carelessness. The latter, +writing rapidly, make, very often, mistakes that would disgrace a +schoolboy. If you are in doubt about a word, do not from a feeling of +false shame let the spelling stand in its doubtful position hoping that, +if wrong, it will pass unnoticed, but get a dictionary, and see what is +the correct orthography. Besides the actual misplacing of letters in a +word there is another fault of careless, rapid writing, frequently +seen. This is to write two words in one, running them together. I have +more than once seen _with him_ written _withim_, and _for her_ stand +thus, _forer_. Strange, too, as it may seem, it is more frequently the +short, common words that are misspelled than long ones. They flow from +the pen mechanically, while over an unaccustomed word the writer +unconsciously stops to consider the orthography. Chesterfield, in his +advice to his son, says: + +"I come now to another part of your letter, which is the orthography, if +I may call bad spelling _orthography_. You spell induce, _enduce_; and +grandeur, you spell _grandure_; two faults of which few of my housemaids +would have been guilty. I must tell you that orthography, in the true +sense of the word, is so absolutely necessary for a man of letters, or a +gentleman, that one false spelling may fix ridicule upon him for the +rest of his life; and I know a man of quality, who never recovered the +ridicule of having spelled _wholesome_ without the _w_. + +"Reading with care will secure everybody from false spelling; for books +are always well spelled, according to the orthography of the times. Some +words are indeed doubtful, being spelled differently by different +authors of equal authority; but those are few; and in those cases every +man has his option, because he may plead his authority either way; but +where there is but one right way, as in the two words above mentioned, +it is unpardonable and ridiculous for a gentleman to miss it; even a +woman of tolerable education would despise and laugh at a lover, who +sent her an ill-spelled _billet-doux_. I fear, and suspect, that you +have taken it into your head, in most cases, that the matter is all, and +the manner little or nothing. If you have, undeceive yourself, and be +convinced that, in everything, the manner is full as important as the +matter. If you speak the sense of an angel in bad words, and with a +disagreeable utterance, nobody will hear you twice, who can help it. If +you write epistles as well as Cicero, but in a very bad hand, and very +ill-spelled, whoever receives, will laugh at them." + +After orthography, you should make it a point to write a good hand; +clear, legible, and at the same time easy, graceful, and rapid. This is +not so difficult as some persons imagine, but, like other +accomplishments, it requires practice to make it perfect. You must write +every word so clearly that it _cannot_ be mistaken by the reader, and it +is quite an important requisite to leave sufficient space between the +words to render each one separate and distinct. If your writing is +crowded, it will be difficult to read, even though each letter is +perfectly well formed. An English author, in a letter of advice, says:-- + +"I have often told you that every man who has the use of his eyes and +his hand can write whatever hand he pleases. I do not desire that you +should write the stiff, labored characters of a writing master; a man of +business must write quick and well, and that depends simply upon use. I +would, therefore, advise you to get some very good writing master, and +apply to it for a month only, which will be sufficient; for, upon my +word, the writing of a genteel, plain hand of business is of much more +importance than you think. You say, it may be, that when you write so +very ill, it is because you are in a hurry; to which, I answer, Why are +you ever in a hurry? A man of sense may be in haste, but can never be in +a hurry, because he knows, that whatever he does in a hurry, he must +necessarily do very ill. He may be in haste to dispatch an affair, but +he will take care not to let that haste hinder his doing it well. Little +minds are in a hurry, when the object proves (as it commonly does) too +big for them; they run, they puzzle, confound, and perplex themselves; +they want to do everything at once, and never do it at all. But a man of +sense takes the time necessary for doing the thing he is about, well; +and his haste to dispatch a business, only appears by the continuity of +his application to it; he pursues it with a cool steadiness, and +finishes it before he begins any other.... + +"The few seconds that are saved in the course of the day by writing ill +instead of well, do not amount to an object of time by any means +equivalent to the disgrace or ridicule of a badly written scrawl." + +By making a good, clear hand habitual to you, the caution given above, +with regard to hurry, will be entirely useless, for you will find that +even the most rapid penmanship will not interfere with the beauty of +your hand-writing, and the most absorbing interest in the subject of +your epistle can be indulged; whereas, if you write well only when you +are giving your entire attention to guiding your pen, then, haste in +writing or interest in your subject will spoil the beauty of your sheet. + +Be very careful that the wording of your letters is in strict accordance +with the rules of grammar. Nothing stamps the difference between a well +educated man and an ignorant one more decidedly than the purely +grammatical language of the one compared with the labored sentences, +misplaced verbs, nouns, adjectives, and adverbs of the other. +Chesterfield caricatures this fault in the following letter, written as +a warning to his son, to guard him against its glaring faults: + +"MY LORD: I _had_, last night, the honor of your Lordship's letter of +the 24th; and will _set about doing_ the orders contained _therein_; and +_if so be_ that I can get that affair done by the next post, I will not +fail _for to_ give your Lordship an account of it, by _next post_. I +have told the French Minister, _as how that if_ that affair be not soon +concluded, your Lordship would think it _all long of him_; and that he +must have neglected _for to_ have wrote to his court about it. I must +beg leave to put your Lordship in mind, _as how_, that I am now full +three quarters in arrear; and if _so be_ that I do not very soon receive +at least one half year, I shall _cut a very bad figure_; _for this here_ +place is very dear. I shall be _vastly beholden_ to your Lordship for +_that there_ mark of your favor; and so I _rest_ or _remain_, Your, &c." + +This is, I admit, a broad burlesque of a letter written by a man holding +any important government office, but in the more private correspondence +of a man's life letters quite as absurd and ungrammatical are written +every day. + +Punctuation is another very important point in a letter, because it not +only is a mark of elegance and education to properly punctuate a letter, +but the omission of this point will inevitably confuse your +correspondent, for if you write to your friend: + +"I met last evening Mr James the artist his son a lawyer Mr Gay a friend +of my mother's Mr Clarke and Mr Paul:" + +he will not know whether Mr. Gay is a lawyer or your mother's friend, or +whether it is Mr. James or his son who is an artist; whereas, by the +proper placing of a few punctuation marks you make the sentence clear +and intelligible, thus: + +"I met, last evening, Mr. James, the artist; his son, a lawyer; Mr. Gay, +a friend of my mother's; Mr. Clarke and Mr. Paul." + +Without proper regard being paid to punctuation, the very essence of +good composition is lost; it is of the utmost importance, as clearness, +strength, and accuracy depend upon it, in as great a measure as the +power of an army depends upon the skill displayed in marshalling and +arranging the troops. The separation of one portion of a composition +from another; the proper classification and division of the subjects; +the precise meaning of every word and sentence; the relation each part +bears to previous or following parts; the connection of one portion and +separation of others--all depend upon punctuation. Many persons seem to +consider it sufficient to put in a period at the end of a long sentence, +leaving all the little niceties which a comma, semicolon, or colon would +render clear, in a state of the most lamentable obscurity. Others use +all the points, but misplace them in a most ludicrous manner. A sentence +may be made by the omission or addition of a comma to express a meaning +exactly opposite to the one it expressed before the little mark was +written or erased. The best mode of studying punctuation is to read +over what you write, aloud, and put in the points as you would dwell a +longer or shorter time on the words, were you speaking. + +We now come to the use of capital letters, a subject next, in importance +to punctuation, and one too often neglected, even by writers otherwise +careful. + +The first word of every piece of writing, whether it be a book, a poem, +a story, a letter, a bill, a note, or only a line of directions, must +begin with a capital letter. + +Quotations, even though they are not immediately preceded by a period, +must invariably begin with a capital letter. + +Every new sentence, following a period, exclamation mark, or +interrogation point, must begin with a capital letter. + +Every proper name, whether it be of a person, a place, or an object, +must begin with a capital letter. The pronoun I and exclamation O must +be always written in capital letters. + +Capitals must never, except in the case of proper names or the two +letters mentioned in the last paragraph, be written in the middle of a +sentence. + +A capital letter must never be used in the middle of a word, among the +small letters; nor must it be used at the end of a word. + +Nothing adds more to the beauty of a letter, or any written composition, +than handsomely written capital letters, used in their proper places. + +Having specified the most important points in a correct letter, we next +come to that which, more than anything else, shows the mind of the +writer; that which proves his good or bad education; that which gives +him rank as an elegant or inelegant writer--Style. + +It is style which adorns or disfigures a subject; which makes the +humblest matter appear choice and elegant, or which reduces the most +exalted ideas to a level with common, or vulgar ones. + +Lord Chesterfield says, "It is of the greatest importance to write +letters well; as this is a talent which unavoidably occurs every day of +one's life, as well in business as in pleasure; and inaccuracies in +orthography or in style are never pardoned. Much depends upon the manner +in which they are written; which ought to be easy and natural, not +strained and florid. For instance, when you are about to send a +_billet-doux_, or love letter to a fair friend, you must only think of +what you would say to her if you were both together, and then write it; +that renders the style easy and natural; though some people imagine the +wording of a letter to be a great undertaking, and think they must write +abundantly better than they talk, which is not at all necessary. Style +is the dress of thoughts, and let them be ever so just, if your style is +homely, coarse, and vulgar, they will appear to as much disadvantage and +be as ill received as your person, though ever so well proportioned, +would, if dressed in rags, dirt, and tatters. It is not every +understanding that can judge of matter; but every one can and does +judge, more or less, of style; and were I either to speak or write to +the public, I should prefer moderate matter, adorned with all the +beauties and elegancies of style, to the strongest matter in the world, +ill worded and ill delivered." + +Write legibly, correctly, and without erasures upon a whole sheet of +paper, never upon half a sheet. Choose paper which is thick, white, and +perfectly plain. The initials stamped at the top of a sheet are the only +ornament allowed a gentleman. + +It is an unpardonable fault to write upon a sheet which has anything +written or drawn upon it, or is soiled; and quite as bad to answer a +note upon half the sheet it is written upon, or write on the other side +of a sheet which has been used before. + +Write your own ideas in your own words, neither borrowing or copying +from another. If you are detected in a plagiarism, you will never +recover your reputation for originality, and you may find yourself in +the position of the hero of the following anecdote: + +Mr. O., a man of but little cultivation, fell in love with Miss N., +whose fine intellect was duly improved by a thorough course of study and +reading, while her wit, vivacity, and beauty made Mr. O. one only +amongst many suitors. Fascinated by her beauty and gracious manner he +determined to settle his fate, and ask her to go forward in the alphabet +and choose the next letter to put to her surname. But how? Five times he +tried to speak, and five times the gay beauty so led the discourse that +he left at the end of each interview, no wiser than when he came. At +length he resolved to write. It was the first time he had held the pen +for any but a business letter. After commencing twice with "Dear sir," +once with, "I write to inform you that I am well and hope this letter +will find you the same," and once with, "Your last duly received," he +threw the pen aside in disgust and despair. A love letter was beyond his +feeble capacities. Suddenly a brilliant idea struck him. He had lately +seen, in turning the leaves of a popular novel, a letter, perhaps a love +letter. He procured the book, found the letter. It was full of fire and +passion, words of love, protestations of never failing constancy, and +contained an offer of marriage. With a hand that trembled with ecstasy, +O. copied and signed the letter, sealed, directed, and sent it. The next +day came the answer--simply: + + "My Friend, + + "Turn to the next page and you will find the reply. + + "A. N." + +He did so, and found a polite refusal of his suit. + +The secret of letter writing consists in writing as you would speak. +Thus, if you speak well, you will write well; if you speak ill, you will +also write ill. + +Endeavor always to write as correctly and properly as possible. If you +have reason to doubt your own spelling, carefully read and correct every +letter before you fold it. An ill-formed letter is, however, better let +alone. You will not improve it by trying to reform it, and the effort +will be plainly visible. + +Let your style be simple, concise, and clear, entirely void of +pretension, without any phrases written merely for effect, without +useless flowery language, respectful towards superiors, women, and +older persons, and it will be well. + +Abbreviations are only permitted in business letters, and in friendly +correspondence must never be used. + +Figures are never to be used excepting when putting a date or a sum of +money. In a business letter the money is generally specified both in +figures and words, thus; $500 Five hundred dollars. + +You may put the name, date, and address of a letter either at the top of +the page or at the end. I give a specimen of each style to show my +meaning. + + PHILADELPHIA, _June 25th, 1855_. + + MR. JAMES SMITH, + + Dear Sir, + + The goods ordered in your letter of the 19th inst. were sent + this morning by Adam's Express. We shall be always happy to + hear from you, and will promptly fill any further orders. + + Yours, truly, + JONES, BROWN, & CO. + +or, + + Dear Sir, + + Your favor of the 5th inst. received to day. Will execute your + commissions with pleasure. + + Yours, truly, + J. Jones. + + MR. JAMES SMITH. + PHILA., _June 25th, 1854_. + +If you send your own address put it under your own signature, thus: + + J. JONES, + 17 W---- st., + NEW YORK. + +The etiquette of letter-writing, should, as much as possible, be +influenced by principles of truth. The superscription and the +subscription should alike be in accordance with the tone of the +communication, and the domestic or social relation of those between whom +it passes. Communications upon professional or business matters, where +no acquaintance exists to modify the circumstances, should be written +thus:--"Mr. Gillot will feel obliged by Mr. Slack's sending by the +bearer," &c. It is an absurdity for a man who writes a challenge, or an +offensive letter, to another, to subscribe himself, "Your obedient +Servant." I dislike this form of subscription, also, when employed by +persons of equal rank. It is perfectly becoming when addressed by a +servant to an employer. But in other cases, "Yours truly," "Yours very +truly," "Your Friend," "Your sincere Friend," "Your Well-wisher," "Your +grateful Friend," "Your affectionate Friend," &c., &c., appears to be +much more truthful, and to be more in keeping with the legitimate +expression of good feeling. It is impossible to lay down a set of rules +that shall govern all cases. But as a principle, it may be urged, that +no person should address another as, "Dear Sir," or, "Dear Madam," +without feelings and relations that justify the use of the adjective. +These compliments are mockeries. No one who entertains a desire to +write another as "dear," need feel afraid of giving offence by +familiarity; for all mankind prize the esteem even of their humblest +fellows too much to be annoyed by it. And in proportion as the integrity +of the forms of correspondence increase, so will these expressions of +good feeling be more appreciated. + +The next point to be considered is the _subject_ of your letter, and +without a good subject the epistle will be apt to be dull. I do not mean +by this that it is necessary to have any extraordinary event to relate, +or startling news to communicate; but in order to write a _good_ letter, +it is necessary to have a _good_ subject, that you may not rival the +Frenchman who wrote to his wife--"I write to you because I have nothing +to do: I stop because I have nothing to say." Letters written without +aim or object, simply for the sake of writing, are apt to be stupid, +trivial, or foolish. + +You may write to a friend to congratulate him upon some happy event to +himself, or to condole with him in some misfortune, or to ask his +congratulations or condolence for yourself. You may write to enquire for +his health, or to extend an invitation, a letter of thanks, +felicitations, upon business, or a thousand other subjects, which it is +useless for me to enumerate. + +LETTERS OF BUSINESS. The chief object in a letter of business is to +communicate or enquire about some one fact, and the epistle should be +confined entirely to that fact. All compliments, jests, high-flown +language and sentiment, are entirely out of place in a business letter, +and brevity should be one of the most important aims. Do not let your +desire to be brief, however, make your meaning obscure; better to add a +few words, or even lines, to the length of your letter, than to send it +in confused, unintelligible language. Chesterfield's advice on business +letters is excellent. He says: + +"The first thing necessary in writing letters of business is, extreme +clearness and perspicuity; every paragraph should be so clear and +unambiguous that the dullest fellow in the world may not be able to +mistake it, nor obliged to read it twice in order to understand it. This +necessary clearness implies a correctness, without excluding an elegance +of style. Tropes, figures, antithesis, epigrams, &c., would be as +misplaced and as impertinent in letters of business as they are +sometimes (if judiciously used) proper and pleasing in familiar letters, +upon common and trite subjects. In business, an elegant simplicity, the +result of care, not of labor, is required. Business must be well, not +affectedly dressed; but by no means negligently. Let your first +attention be to clearness, and read every paragraph after you have +written it, in the critical view of discovering whether it is possible +that any one man can mistake the true sense of it; and correct it +accordingly. + +"Our pronouns and relatives often create obscurity and ambiguity; be, +therefore, exceedingly attentive to them, and take care to mark out with +precision their particular relations. For example, Mr. Johnson +acquainted me, that he had seen Mr. Smith, who had promised him to speak +to Mr. Clarke, to return him (Mr. Johnson) those papers, which he (Mr. +Smith) had left some time ago with him (Mr. Clarke); it is better to +repeat a name, though unnecessarily, ten times, than to have the person +mistaken once. + +"_Who_, you know, is singly relative to persons, and cannot be applied +to things; _which_ and _that_ are chiefly relative to things, but not +absolutely exclusive of persons; for one may say the man, _that_ robbed +or killed such-a-one; but it is better to say, the man _who_ robbed or +killed. One never says, the man or woman _which_. _Which_ and _that_, +though chiefly relative to things, cannot be always used indifferently +as to things. For instance, the letter _which_ I received from you, +_which_ you referred to in your last, _which_ came by Lord Albemarle's +messenger, _which_ I showed to such-a-one; I would change it thus--The +letter that I received from you, _which_ you referred to in your last, +_that_ came by Lord Albemarle's messenger, and _which_ I showed to +such-a-one. + +"Business does not exclude (as possibly you wish it did) the usual terms +of politeness and good breeding; but, on the contrary, strictly requires +them; such as, _I have the honor to acquaint you_; _Permit me to assure +you_; or, _If I may be allowed to give my opinion, &c._ + +"LETTERS OF BUSINESS will not only admit of, but be the better for +_certain graces_--but then, they must be scattered with a skillful and +sparing hand; they must fit their place exactly. They must adorn without +encumbering, and modestly shine without glaring. But as this is the +utmost degree of perfection in letters of business, I would not advise +you to attempt those embellishments, till you have just laid your +foundation well. + +"Carefully avoid all Greek or Latin quotations; and bring no precedents +from the _virtuous Spartans_, _the polite Athenians_, _and the brave +Romans_. Leave all that to futile pedants. No flourishes, no +declamations. But (I repeat it again) there is an elegant simplicity and +dignity of style absolutely necessary for _good_ letters of business; +attend to that carefully. Let your periods be harmonious, without +seeming to be labored; and let them not be too long, for that always +occasions a degree of obscurity. I should not mention correct +orthography, but that to fail in that particular will bring ridicule +upon you; for no man is allowed to spell ill. The hand-writing, too, +should be good; and I cannot conceive why it is ever otherwise, since +every man may, certainly, write whatever hand he pleases. Neatness in +folding up, sealing, and directing your packets is, by no means, to be +neglected. There is something in the exterior, even of a packet or +letter, that may please or displease; and, consequently, worth some +attention." + +If you are writing a letter, either upon your own business or upon that +of the person you are addressing, not in answer to him, but opening the +subject between you, follow the rule of clearness and of business +brevity. Come to the point at once, in order that the person addressed +may easily comprehend you. Put nobody to the labor of _guessing_ what +you desire, and be careful that half-instructions do not lead your +correspondent astray. If you have so clear an idea of your operation in +your mind, or if it is so simple a one that it needs no words, except +specific directions, or a plain request, you need not waste time, but, +with the proper forms of courtesy, instruct him of your wishes. In +whatever you write, remember that time is valuable; and that +embarrassing or indefinite letters are a great nuisance to a business +man. I need hardly remark, that punctuality in answering correspondents +is one of the cardinal business virtues. Where it is possible, answer +letters by return of post, as you will thus save your own time, and pay +your correspondent a flattering compliment. And in opening a +correspondence or writing upon your own business, let your communication +be made at the earliest proper date in order that your correspondent, as +well as yourself, may have the benefit of thought and deliberation. + +LETTERS OF INQUIRY should be written in a happy medium, between tedious +length and the brevity which would betoken indifference. As the subject +is generally limited to questions upon one subject, they will not admit +of much verbiage, and if your inquiry relates simply to a matter of +business, it is better to confine your words strictly to that business; +if, however, you are writing to make inquiry as to the health of a +friend, or any other matter in which feeling or affection dictates the +epistle, the cold, formal style of a business letter would become +heartless, and, in many cases, positively insulting. You must here add +some words of compliment, express your friendly interest in the subject, +and your hope that a favorable answer may be returned, and if the +occasion is a painful one, a few lines of regret or condolence may be +added. + +If you are requesting a favor of your correspondent, you should +apologize for the trouble you are giving him, and mention the necessity +which prompts you to write. + +If you are making inquiries of a friend, your letter will then admit of +some words of compliment, and may be written in an easy, familiar style. + +If writing to a stranger, your request for information becomes a +personal favor, and you should write in a manner to show him that you +feel this. Speak of the obligation he will confer, mention the necessity +which compels you to trouble him, and follow his answer by a note of +thanks. + +Always, when sending a letter of inquiry, enclose a stamp for the +answer. If you trouble your correspondent to take his time to write you +information, valuable only to yourself, you have no right to tax him +also for the price of postage. + +ANSWERS TO LETTERS OF INQUIRY should be written as soon as possible +after such letters are received. If the inquiry is of a personal nature, +concerning your health, family affairs, or the denial or corroboration +of some report concerning yourself, you should thank your correspondent +for the interest he expresses, and such a letter should be answered +immediately. If the letter you receive contains questions which you +cannot answer instantly, as, for instance, if you are obliged to see a +third party, or yourself make inquiry upon the subject proposed, it is +best to write a few lines acknowledging the receipt of your friend's +letter, expressing your pleasure at being able to serve him, and stating +why you cannot immediately give him the desired information, with the +promise to write again as soon as such information is yours to send. + +LETTERS REQUESTING FAVORS are trying to write, and must be dictated by +the circumstances which make them necessary. Be careful not to be +servile in such letters. Take a respectful, but, at the same time, manly +tone; and, while you acknowledge the obligation a favorable answer will +confer, do not adopt the cringing language of a beggar. + +LETTERS CONFERRING FAVORS should never be written in a style to make the +recipient feel a weight of obligation; on the contrary, the style should +be such as will endeavor to convince your correspondent that in his +acceptance of your favor _he_ confers an obligation upon _you_. + +LETTERS REFUSING FAVORS call for your most courteous language, for they +must give some pain, and this may be very much softened by the manner in +which you write. Express your regret at being unable to grant your +friend's request, a hope that at some future time it may be in your +power to answer another such letter more favorably, and give a good +reason for your refusal. + +LETTERS ACKNOWLEDGING FAVORS, or letters of thanks, should be written in +a cordial, frank, and grateful style. While you earnestly thank your +correspondent for his kindness, you must never hint at any payment of +the obligation. If you have the means of obliging him near you at that +instant, make your offer of the favor the subject of another letter, +lest he attribute your haste to a desire to rid yourself of an +obligation. To hint at a future payment is still more indelicate. When +you can show your gratitude by a suitable return, then let your actions, +not your words, speak for the accuracy of your memory in retaining the +recollection of favors conferred. + +ANONYMOUS LETTERS. The man who would write an anonymous letter, either +to insult the person addressed, or annoy a third person, is a scoundrel, +"whom 'twere gross flattery to name a coward." None but a man of the +lowest principles, and meanest character, would commit an act to gratify +malice or hatred without danger to himself. A gentleman will treat such +a communication with the contemptuous silence which it deserves. + +LETTERS OF INTELLIGENCE. The first thing to be regarded in a letter of +intelligence is _truth_. They are written on every variety of subjects, +under circumstances of the saddest and the most joyful nature. They are +written often under the pressure of the most crushing grief, at other +times when the hand trembles with ecstacy, and very frequently when a +weight of other cares and engagements makes the time of the writer +invaluable. Yet, whether the subject communicated concerns yourself or +another, remember that every written word is a record for your veracity +or falsehood. If exaggeration, or, still worse, malice, guide your pen, +in imparting painful subjects, or if the desire to avoid causing grief +makes you violate truth to soften trying news, you are signing your name +to a written falsehood, and the letter may, at some future time, rise to +confront you and prove that your intelligence cannot be trusted. +Whatever the character of the news you communicate, let taste and +discretion guide you in the manner of imparting it. If it is of so +sorrowful a character that you know it must cause pain, you may endeavor +to open the subject gradually, and a few lines of sympathy and comfort, +if unheeded at the time, may be appreciated when the mourner re-reads +your letter in calmer moments. Joyful news, though it does not need the +same caution, also admits of expressions of sympathy. + +Never write the gossip around you, unless you are _obliged_ to +communicate some event, and then write only what you know to be true, +or, if you speak of doubtful matters, state them to be such. Avoid mere +scandal and hearsay, and, above all, avoid letting your own malice or +bitterness of feeling color all your statements in their blackest dye. +Be, under such circumstances, truthful, just, and charitable. + +LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION should be written only when they are +positively necessary, and great caution should be used in giving them. +They make you, in a measure, responsible for the conduct of another, and +if you give them frequently, on slight grounds, you will certainly have +cause to repent your carelessness. They are letters of business, and +should be carefully composed; truthful, while they are courteous, and +just, while they are kind. If you sacrifice candor to a mistaken +kindness, you not only make yourself a party to any mischief that may +result, but you are committing a dishonest act towards the person to +whom the letter will be delivered. + +LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION should be short, as they are generally delivered +in person, and ought not to occupy much time in reading, as no one likes +to have to wait while a long letter of introduction is read. While you +speak of the bearer in the warm language of friendship, do not write +praises in such a letter; they are about as much in place as they would +be if you spoke them at a personal introduction. Leave letters of +introduction unsealed, for it is a gross breach of politeness to +prevent the bearer from reading what you have written, by fastening the +envelope. The most common form is:-- + + Dear Sir, + + It gives me much pleasure to introduce to you, the bearer of + this letter, as my friend Mr. J----, who is to remain a few + days in your city on his way to New Orleans. I trust that the + acquaintance of two friends, for whom I have so long + entertained so warm an esteem, will prove as pleasant as my + intercourse with each has always been. Any attention which it + may be in your power to pay to Mr. J----, whilst he is in your + city, will be highly appreciated and gratefully acknowledged by + + Your sincere friend + JAMES C. RAY. + + MR. L. G. EDMONDS. + _June 23d, 18--._ + +If your letter is to introduce any gentleman in his business or +professional capacity, mention what that business is; and if your own +acquaintance with the bearer is slight, you may also use the name of the +persons from whom he brought letters to yourself. Here, you may, with +perfect propriety, say a few words in praise of the bearer's skill in +his professional labors. If he is an artist, you need not hesitate to +give a favorable opinion of whatever of his pictures you have seen, or, +if a musician, express the delight his skill has afforded you. + +A LETTER REQUESTING AN AUTOGRAPH should always enclose a postage stamp +for the reply. In such a letter some words of compliment, expressive of +the value of the name for which you ask, is in good taste. You may refer +to the deeds or celebrity which have made the name so desirable, and +also express your sense of the greatness of the favor, and the +obligation the granting of it will confer. + +AUTOGRAPH LETTERS should be short; containing merely a few lines, +thanking the person addressed for the compliment paid in requesting the +signature, and expressive of the pleasure it gives you to comply with +the request. If you wish to refuse (though none but a churl would do +so), do not fall into the error of an eccentric American whose high +position in the army tempted a collector of autographs to request his +signature. The general wrote in reply:-- + + "Sir, + + "I'll be hanged if I send my autograph to anybody. + + "Yours, + + "----." + +and signed his name in full in the strong, bold letters which always +characterized his hand writing. + +INVITATIONS TO LADIES should be written in the third person, unless you +are very intimate with them, or can claim relationship. All letters +addressed to a lady should be written in a respectful style, and when +they are short and to a comparative stranger, the third person is the +most elegant one to use. Remember, in directing letters to young ladies, +the eldest one in a family is addressed by the surname alone, while the +others have also the proper name; thus, if you wrote to the daughters +of Mr. Smith, the eldest one is Miss Smith, the others, Miss Annie Smith +and Miss Jane Smith. + +Invitations should be sent by your own servant, or clerk. Nothing is +more vulgar than sending invitations through the despatch, and you run +the risk of their being delayed. The first time that you invite a lady +to accompany you to ride, walk, or visit any place of public amusement, +you should also invite her mother, sister, or any other lady in the same +family, unless you have a mother or sister with whom the lady invited is +acquainted, when you should say in your note that your mother or sister +will accompany you. + +LETTERS OF COMPLIMENT being confined to one subject should be short and +simple. If they are of thanks for inquiry made, they should merely echo +the letter they answer, with the acknowledgement of your correspondent's +courtesy. + +LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION. Letters of congratulation are the most +agreeable of all letters to write; your subject is before you, and you +have the pleasure of sympathizing in the happiness of a friend. They +should be written in a frank, genial style, with warm expressions of +pleasure at your friend's joy, and admit of any happy quotations or +jest. + +When congratulating your friend on an occasion of happiness to himself, +be very careful that your letter has no word of envy at his good +fortune, no fears for its short duration, no prophecy of a change for +the worse; let all be bright, cheerful, and hopeful. There are few men +whose life calls for letters of congratulation upon many occasions, let +them have bright, unclouded ones when they can claim them. If you have +other friends whose sorrow makes a contrast with the joy of the person +to whom you are writing, nay, even if you yourself are in affliction, do +not mention it in such a letter. + +At the same time avoid the satire of exaggeration in your expressions of +congratulation, and be very careful how you underline a word. If you +write a hope that your friend may be _perfectly happy_, he will not +think that the emphasis proves the strength of your wish, but that you +are fearful that it will not be fulfilled. + +If at the same time that you are writing a letter of congratulation, you +have sorrowful news to communicate, do not put your tidings of grief +into your congratulatory letter; let that contain only cheerful, +pleasant words; even if your painful news must be sent the same day, +send it in a separate epistle. + +LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE are trying both to the writer and to the reader. +If your sympathy is sincere, and you feel the grief of your friend as if +it were your own, you will find it difficult to express in written words +the sorrow that you are anxious to comfort. + +Even the warmest, most sincere expressions, sound cold and commonplace +to the mourner, and one grasp of the hand, one glance of the eye, will +do more to express sympathy than whole sheets of written words. It is +best not to try to say _all_ that you feel. You will fail in the attempt +and may weary your friend. Let your letter, then, be short, (not +heartlessly so) but let its words, though few, be warm and sincere. Any +light, cheerful jesting will be insulting in a letter of condolence. If +you wish to comfort by bringing forward blessings or hopes for the +future, do not do it with gay, or jesting expressions, but in a gentle, +kind manner, drawing your words of comfort, not from trivial, passing +events, but from the highest and purest sources. + +If the subject for condolence be loss of fortune or any similar event, +your letter will admit of the cheering words of every-day life, and +kindly hopes that the wheel of fortune may take a more favorable turn; +but, if death causes your friend's affliction, there is but little to be +said in the first hours of grief. Your letter of sympathy and comfort +may be read after the first crushing grief is over, and appreciated +then, but words of comfort are but little heeded when the first agony of +a life-long separation is felt in all the force of its first hours. + +LETTERS SENT WITH PRESENTS should be short, mere cards of compliment, +and written in the third person. + +LETTERS ACKNOWLEDGING PRESENTS should also be quite short, written in +the third person, and merely containing a few lines of thanks, with a +word or two of admiration for the beauty, value, or usefulness of the +gift. + +LETTERS OF ADVICE are generally very unpalatable for the reader, and had +better not be written unless solicited, and not then unless your counsel +will really benefit your correspondent. When written, let them be +courteous, but, at the same time, perfectly frank. If you can avert an +evil by writing a letter of advice, even when unsolicited, it is a +friendly office to write, but it is usually a thankless one. + +To write after an act has been performed, and state what your advice +would have been, had your opinion been asked, is extremely foolish, and +if you disapprove of the course that has been taken, your best plan is, +certainly, to say nothing about it. + +In writing your letter of advice, give your judgement as an opinion, not +a law, and say candidly that you will not feel hurt if contrary advice +offered by any other, more competent to judge in the case, is taken. +While your candor may force you to give the most unpalatable counsel, +let your courtesy so express it, that it cannot give offence. + +LETTERS OF EXCUSE are sometimes necessary, and they should be written +promptly, as a late apology for an offence is worse than no apology at +all. They should be written in a frank, manly style, containing an +explanation of the offence, and the facts which led to it, the assurance +of the absence of malice or desire to offend, sorrow for the +circumstances, and a hope that your apology will be accepted. Never wait +until circumstances force an apology from you before writing a letter of +excuse. A frank, prompt acknowledgement of an offence, and a candidly +expressed desire to atone for it, or for indulgence towards it, cannot +fail to conciliate any reasonable person. + +CARDS OF COMPLIMENT must always be written in the third person. + +ANSWERS. The first requisite in answering a letter upon any subject, is +promptness. If you can answer by return of mail, do so; if not, write as +soon as possible. If you receive a letter making inquiries about facts +which you will require time to ascertain, then write a few lines +acknowledging the receipt of the letter of inquiry and promising to send +the information as soon as possible. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +WEDDING ETIQUETTE. + + +From an English work, "The Habits of Good Society," I quote some +directions for the guidance of the happy man who proposes to enter the +state of matrimony. I have altered a few words to suit the difference of +country, but when weddings are performed in church, the rules given here +are excellent. They will apply equally well to the evening ceremony. + +"At a time when our feelings are or ought to be most susceptible, when +the happiness or misery of a condition in which there is no medium +begins, we are surrounded with forms and etiquettes which rise before +the unwary like spectres, and which even the most rigid ceremonialists +regard with a sort of dread. + +"Were it not, however, for these forms, and for this necessity of being +_en rgle_, there might, on the solemnization of marriage, be confusion, +forgetfulness, and, even--speak it not aloud--irritation among the +parties most intimately concerned. Excitement might ruin all. Without a +definite programme, the old maids of the family would be thrusting in +advice. The aged chronicler of past events, or grandmother by the +fireside, would have it all her way; the venerable bachelor in tights, +with his blue coat and metal buttons, might throw every thing into +confusion by his suggestions. It is well that we are independent of all +these interfering advisers; that there is no necessity to appeal to +them. Precedent has arranged it all; we have only to put in or +understand what that stern authority has laid down; how it has been +varied by modern changes; and we must just shape our course boldly. +'Boldly?' But there is much to be done before we come to that. First, +there is the offer to be made. Well may a man who contemplates such a +step say to himself, with Dryden: + + 'These are the realms of everlasting fate;' + +for, in truth, on marriage one's well-being not only here but even +hereafter mainly depends. But it is not on this bearing of the subject +that we wish to enter, contenting ourselves with a quotation from the +_Spectator_: + +"'It requires more virtues to make a good husband or wife, than what go +to the finishing any the most shining character whatsoever.' + +"In France, an engagement is an affair of negotiation and business; and +the system, in this respect, greatly resembles the practice in England, +on similar occasions, a hundred and fifty or two hundred years ago, or +even later. France is the most unchanging country in the world in her +habits and domestic institutions, and foremost among these is her +'_Marriage de convenance_,' or '_Marriage de raison_.' + +"It is thus brought about. So soon as a young girl quits the school or +convent where she has been educated, her friends cast about for a +suitable _parti_. Most parents in France take care, so soon as a +daughter is born, to put aside a sum of money for her '_dot_,' as they +well know that, whatever may be her attractions, _that_ is indispensable +in order to be married. They are ever on the look out for a youth with, +at least, an equal fortune, or more; or, if they are rich, for title, +which is deemed tantamount to fortune; even the power of writing those +two little letters _De_ before your name has some value in the marriage +contract. Having satisfied themselves, they thus address the young +lady:--'It is now time for you to be married; I know of an eligible +match; you can see the gentleman, either at such a ball, or [if he is +serious] at church. I do not ask you to take him if his appearance is +positively disagreeable to you; if so, we will look out for some one +else.' + +"As a matter of custom, the young lady answers that the will of her +parents is hers; she consents to take a survey of him to whom her +destiny is to be entrusted; and let us presume that he is accepted, +though it does not follow, and sometimes it takes several months to look +out, as it does for other matters, a house, or a place, or a pair of +horses. However, she consents; a formal introduction takes place; the +_promis_ calls in full dress to see his future wife; they are only just +to speak to each other, and those few unmeaning words are spoken in the +presence of the bride-elect's mother; for the French think it most +indiscreet to allow the affections of a girl to be interested before +marriage, lest during the arrangements for the contract all should be +broken off. If she has no dislike, it is enough; never for an instant +are the engaged couple left alone, and in very few cases do they go up +to the altar with more than a few weeks' acquaintance, and usually with +less. The whole matter is then arranged by notaries, who squabble over +the marriage-contract, and get all they can for their clients. + +"The contract is usually signed in France on the day before the +marriage, when all is considered safe; the religious portion of their +bond takes place in the church, and then the two young creatures are +left together to understand each other if they can, and to love each +other if they will; if not they must content themselves with what is +termed, _un mnage de Paris_. + +"In England, formerly, much the same system prevailed. A boy of +fourteen, before going on his travels, was contracted to a girl of +eleven, selected as his future wife by parents or guardians; he came +back after the _grande tour_ to fulfil the engagement. But by law it was +imperative that forty days should at least pass between the contract and +the marriage; during which dreary interval the couple, leashed together +like two young greyhounds, would have time to think of the future. In +France, the perilous period of reflection is not allowed. 'I really am +so glad we are to take a journey,' said a young French lady to her +friends; 'I shall thus get to know something about my husband; he is +quite a stranger to me.' Some striking instances of the _Marriage de +convenance_ being infringed on, have lately occurred in France. The late +Monsieur de Tocqueville married for love, after a five years' +engagement. Guizot, probably influenced by his acquaintance with +England, gave his daughters liberty to choose for themselves, and they +married for _love_[B]--'a very indelicate proceeding,' remarked a French +comtesse of the old _rgime_, when speaking of this arrangement. + +[B] Two brothers, named _De Witte_. + +"Nothing can be more opposed to all this than the American system. They +are so tenacious of the freedom of choice, that even persuasion is +thought criminal. + +"In France negotiations are often commenced on the lady's side; in +America, never. Even too encouraging a manner, even the ordinary +attentions of civility, are, occasionally, a matter of reproach. We are +jealous of the delicacy of that sacred bond; which we presume to hope is +to spring out of mutual affection. A gentleman who, from whatever +motives, has made up his mind to marry, may set about it in two ways. He +may propose by letter or in words. The customs of society imply the +necessity of a sufficient knowledge of the lady to be addressed. This, +even in this country, is a difficult point to be attained; and, after +all, cannot be calculated by time, since, in large cities, you may know +people a year, and yet be comparative strangers; and, meeting them in +the country, may become intimate in a week. + +"Having made up his mind, the gentleman offers--wisely, if he can, in +speech. Letters are seldom expressive of what really passes in the mind +of man; or, if expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable +to exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme of cavil. Study, +care, which avail in every other species of composition, are death to +the lover's effusion. A few sentences, spoken in earnest, and broken by +emotion, are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, both to parent and +daughter. Let him, however, speak and be accepted. He is, in that case, +instantly taken into the intimacy of his adopted relatives. Such is the +notion of American honor, that the engaged couple are henceforth allowed +to be frequently alone together, in walking and at home. If there be no +known obstacle to the engagement, the gentleman and lady are mutually +introduced to the respective relatives of each. It is for the +gentleman's family to call first; for him to make the first present; and +this should be done as soon as possible after the offer has been +accepted. It is a sort of seal put upon the affair. The absence of +presents is thought to imply want of earnestness in the matter. This +present generally consists of some personal ornament, say, a ring, and +should be handsome, but not so handsome as that made for the +wedding-day. During the period that elapses before the marriage, the +betrothed man should conduct himself with peculiar deference to the +lady's family and friends, even if beneath his own station. It is often +said: 'I marry such a lady, but I do not mean to marry her whole +family.' This disrespectful pleasantry has something in it so cold, so +selfish, that even if the lady's family be disagreeable, there is a +total absence of delicate feeling to her in thus speaking of those +nearest to her. To her parents especially, the conduct of the betrothed +man should be respectful; to her sisters kind without familiarity; to +her brothers, every evidence of good-will should be testified. In making +every provision for the future, in regard to settlements, allowance for +dress, &c., the _extent_ of liberality convenient should be the spirit +of all arrangements. Perfect candor as to his own affairs, respectful +consideration for those of the family he is about to enter, mark a true +gentleman. + +"In France, however gay and even blameable a man may have been before +his betrothal, he conducts himself with the utmost propriety after that +event. A sense of what is due to a lady should repress all habits +unpleasant to her; smoking, if disagreeable; frequenting places of +amusement without her; or paying attention to other women. In this +respect, indeed, the sense of honor should lead a man to be as +scrupulous when his future wife is absent as when she is present, if not +more so. + +"In equally bad taste is exclusiveness. The devotions of two engaged +persons should be reserved for the _tte--tte_, and women are +generally in fault when it is otherwise. They like to exhibit their +conquest; they cannot dispense with attentions; they forget that the +demonstration of any peculiar condition of things in society must make +some one uncomfortable; the young lady is uncomfortable because she is +not equally happy; the young man detests what he calls nonsense; the old +think there is a time for all things. All sitting apart, therefore, and +peculiar displays, are in bad taste; I am inclined to think that they +often accompany insincerity, and that the truest affections are those +which are reserved for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private +interviews. At the same time, the airs of indifference and avoidance +should be equally guarded against; since, however strong and mutual +attachment may be, such a line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead +others, and so produce mischief. True feeling, and a lady-like +consideration for others, a point in which the present generation +essentially fails, are the best guides for steering between the extremes +of demonstration on the one hand, and of frigidity on the other. + +"During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a young lady should +endeavor to understand what is going on, receiving it in a right spirit. +If she has fortune, she should, in all points left to her, be generous +and confiding, at the same time prudent. Many a man, she should +remember, may abound in excellent qualities, and yet be improvident. He +may mean to do well, yet have a passion for building; he may be the very +soul of good nature, yet fond of the gaming-table; he may have no wrong +propensities of that sort, and yet have a confused notion of accounts, +and be one of those men who muddle away a great deal of money, no one +knows how; or he may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good +care of the pence, till he tires your very life out about an extra +dollar; or he may be facile or weakly good natured, and have a friend +who preys on him, and for whom he is disposed to become security. +Finally, the beloved Charles, Henry, or Reginald may have none of these +propensities, but may chance to be an honest merchant, or a tradesman, +with all his floating capital in business, and a consequent risk of +being one day rich, the next a pauper. + +"Upon every account, therefore, it is desirable for a young lady to have +a settlement on her; and she should not, from a weak spirit of romance, +oppose her friends who advise it, since it is for her husband's +advantage as well as her own. By making a settlement there is always a +fund which cannot be touched--a something, however small, as a +provision for a wife and children; and whether she have fortune or not, +this ought to be made. An allowance for dress should also be arranged; +and this should be administered in such a way that a wife should not +have to ask for it at inconvenient hours, and thus irritate her husband. + +"Every preliminary being settled, there remains nothing except to fix +the marriage-day, a point always left to the lady to advance; and next +to settle how the ceremonial is to be performed is the subject of +consideration. + +"It is to be lamented that, previous to so solemn a ceremony, the +thoughts of the lady concerned must necessarily be engaged for some time +upon her _trousseau_. The _trousseau_ consists, in this country, of all +the habiliments necessary for a lady's use for the first two or three +years of her married life; like every other outfit there are always a +number of articles introduced into it that are next to useless, and are +only calculated for the vain-glory of the ostentatious. + +"The _trousseau_ being completed, and the day fixed, it becomes +necessary to select the bridesmaids and the bridegroom's man, and to +invite the guests. + +"The bridesmaids are from two to eight in number. It is ridiculous to +have many, as the real intention of the bridesmaid is, that she should +act as a witness of the marriage. It is, however, thought a compliment +to include the bride's sisters and those of the bridegroom's relations +and intimate friends, in case sisters do not exist. + +"When a bride is young the bridesmaids should be young; but it is absurd +to see a 'single woman of a certain age,' or a widow, surrounded by +blooming girls, making her look plain and foolish. For them the discreet +woman of thirty-five is more suitable as a bridesmaid. Custom decides +that the bridesmaids should be spinsters, but there is no legal +objection to a married woman being a bridesmaid, should it be necessary, +as it might be abroad, or at sea, or where ladies are few in number. +Great care should be taken not to give offence in the choice of +bridesmaids by a preference, which is always in bad taste on momentous +occasions. + +"The guests at the wedding should be selected with similar attention to +what is right and kind, with consideration to those who have a claim on +us, not only to what we ourselves prefer. + +"For a great wedding breakfast, it is customary to send out printed +cards from the parents or guardians from whose house the young lady is +to be married. + +"Early in the day, before eleven, the bride should be dressed, taking +breakfast in her own room. In America they load a bride with lace +flounces on a rich silk, and even sometimes with ornaments. In France it +is always remembered, with better taste, that when a young lady goes up +to the altar, she is '_encore jeune fille_;' her dress, therefore, is +exquisitely simple; a dress of tulle over white silk, a long, wide veil of +white tulle, going down to the very feet, a wreath of maiden-blush-roses +interspersed with orange flowers. This is the usual costume of a French +bride of rank, or in the middle classes equally. + +"The gentleman's dress should differ little from his full morning +costume. The days are gone by when gentlemen were married--as a +recently deceased friend of mine was--in white satin breeches and +waistcoat. In these days men show less joy in their attire at the fond +consummation of their hopes, and more in their faces. A dark-blue +frock-coat--black being superstitiously considered ominous--a white +waistcoat, and a pair of light trousers, suffice for the 'happy man.' +The neck-tie also should be light and simple. Polished boots are not +amiss, though plain ones are better. The gloves must be as white as the +linen. Both are typical--for in these days types are as important as +under the Hebrew law-givers--of the purity of mind and heart which are +supposed to exist in their wearer. Eheu! after all, he cannot be too +well dressed, for the more gay he is the greater the compliment to his +bride. Flowers in the button-hole and a smile on the face show the +bridegroom to be really a 'happy man.' + +"As soon as the carriages are at the door, those bridesmaids, who happen +to be in the house, and the other members of the family set off first. +The bride goes last, with her father and mother, or with her mother +alone, and the brother or relative who is to represent her father in +case of death or absence. The bridegroom, his friend, or bridegroom's +man, and the bridesmaids ought to be waiting in the church. The father +of the bride gives her his arm, and leads her to the altar. Here her +bridesmaids stand near her, as arranged by the clerk, and the bridegroom +takes his appointed place. + +"It is a good thing for the bridegroom's man to distribute the different +fees to the clergyman or clergymen, the clerk, and pew-opener, before +the arrival of the bride, as it prevents confusion afterwards. + +"The bride stands to the left of the bridegroom, and takes the glove off +her right hand, whilst he takes his glove off his right hand. The bride +gives her glove to the bridesmaid to hold, and sometimes to keep, as a +good omen. + +"The service then begins. During the recital, it is certainly a matter +of feeling how the parties concerned should behave; but if tears can be +restrained, and a quiet modesty in the lady displayed, and her emotions +subdued, it adds much to the gratification of others, and saves a few +pangs to the parents from whom she is to part. + +"It should be remembered that this is but the closing scene of a drama +of some duration--first the offer, then the consent and engagement. In +most cases the marriage has been preceded by acts which have stamped the +whole with certainty, although we do not adopt the contract system of +our forefathers, and although no event in this life can be certain. + +"I have omitted the mention of the bouquet, because it seems to me +always an awkward addition to the bride, and that it should be presented +afterwards on her return to the breakfast. Gardenias, if in season, +white azalia, or even camellias, with very little orange flowers, form +the bridal bouquet. The bridesmaids are dressed, on this occasion, so as +to complete the picture with effect. When there are six or eight, it is +usual for three of them to dress in one color, and three in another. At +some of the most fashionable weddings in London, the bridesmaids wear +veils--these are usually of net or tulle; white tarlatan dresses, over +muslin or beautifully-worked dresses, are much worn, with colors +introduced--pink or blue, and scarves of those colors; and white +bonnets, if bonnets are worn, trimmed with flowers to correspond. These +should be simple, but the flowers as natural as possible, and of the +finest quality. The bouquets of the bridesmaids should be of mixed +flowers. These they may have at church, but the present custom is for +the gentlemen of the house to present them on their return home, +previous to the wedding breakfast. + +"The register is then signed. The bride quits the church first with the +bridegroom, and gets into his carriage, and the father and mother, +bridesmaids, and bridegroom's man, follow in order in their own. + +"The breakfast is arranged on one or more tables, and is generally +provided by a confectioner when expense is not an object. + +"Presents are usual, first from the bridegroom to the bridesmaids. These +generally consist of jewelry, the device of which should be unique or +quaint, the article more elegant than massive. The female servants of +the family, more especially servants who have lived many years in their +place, also expect presents, such as gowns or shawls; or to a very +valued personal attendant or housekeeper, a watch. But on such points +discretion must suggest, and liberality measure out the _largesse_ of +the gift." + +When the ceremony is performed at the house of the bride, the bridegroom +should be ready full half an hour before the time appointed, and enter +the parlor at the head of his army of bridesmaids and groomsmen, with +his fair bride on his arm. In America a groomsman is allowed for each +bridesmaid, whilst in England one poor man is all that is allowed for +six, sometimes eight bridesmaids. The brothers or very intimate friends +of the bride and groom are usually selected for groomsmen. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT. + + +When you wish to invite a lady to accompany you to the theatre, opera, a +concert, or any other public place of amusement, send the invitation the +day previous to the one selected for taking her, and write it in the +third person. If it is the first time you have invited her, include her +mother, sister, or some other lady in the invitation. + +If she accepts your invitation, let it be your next care to secure good +seats, for it is but a poor compliment to invite a lady to go to the +opera, and put her in an uncomfortable seat, where she can neither hear, +see, nor be seen. + +Although, when alone, you will act a courteous part in giving your seat +to a strange lady, who is standing, in a crowded concert room, you +should not do so when you are with a lady. By giving up your place +beside her, you may place a lady next her, whom she will find an +unpleasant companion, and you are yourself separated from her, when the +conversation between the acts makes one of the greatest pleasures of an +evening spent in this way. In case of accident, too, he deprives her of +his protection, and gives her the appearance of having come alone. Your +first duty, when you are escorting a lady, is to that lady before all +others. + +When you are with a lady at a place of amusement, you must not leave +your seat until you rise to escort her home. If at the opera, you may +invite her to promenade between the acts, but if she declines, do you +too remain in your seat. + +Let all your conversation be in a low tone, not whispered, nor with any +air of mystery, but in a tone that will not disturb those seated near +you. + +Any lover-like airs or attitudes, although you may have the right to +assume them, are in excessively bad taste in public. + +If the evening you have appointed be a stormy one, you must call for +your companion with a carriage, and this is the more elegant way of +taking her even if the weather does not make it absolutely necessary. + +When you are entering a concert room, or the box of a theatre, walk +before your companion up the aisle, until you reach the seats you have +secured, then turn, offer your hand to her, and place her in the inner +seat, taking the outside one yourself; in going out, if the aisle is too +narrow to walk two abreast, you again precede your companion until you +reach the lobby, where you turn and offer your arm to her. + +Loud talking, laughter, or mistimed applause, are all in very bad taste, +for if you do not wish to pay strict attention to the performance, those +around you probably do, and you pay but a poor compliment to your +companion in thus implying her want of interest in what she came to +see. + +Secure your programme, libretto, or concert bill, before taking your +seat, as, if you leave it, in order to obtain them, you may find some +one else occupying your place when you return, and when the seats are +not secured, he may refuse to rise, thus giving you the alternative of +an altercation, or leaving your companion without any protector. Or, you +may find a lady in your seat, in which case, you have no alternative, +but must accept the penalty of your carelessness, by standing all the +evening. + +In a crowd, do not push forward, unheeding whom you hurt or +inconvenience, but try to protect your companion, as far as possible, +and be content to take your turn. + +If your seats are secured, call for your companion in time to be seated +some three or four minutes before the performance commences, but if you +are visiting a hall where you cannot engage seats, it is best to go +early. + +If you are alone and see ladies present with whom you are acquainted, +you may, with perfect propriety, go and chat with them between the acts, +but when with a lady, never leave her to speak to another lady. + +At an exhibition of pictures or statuary, you may converse, but let it +be in a quiet, gentlemanly tone, and without gesture or loud laughter. +If you stand long before one picture or statue, see that you are not +interfering with others who may wish to see the same work of art. If you +are engaged in conversation, and wish to rest, do not take a position +that will prevent others from seeing any of the paintings, but sit +down, or stand near the centre of the room. + +Never, unless urgently solicited, attach yourself to any party at a +place of amusement, even if some of the members of it are your own +relatives or intimate friends. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +MISCELLANEOUS. + + +When you are walking with a lady who has your arm, be careful to _keep +step_ with her, and do not force her to take long, unladylike steps, or +trot beside you with two steps to one of yours, by keeping your usual +manly stride. + +Never allow a lady, with whom you are walking, to carry a bundle, shawl, +or bag, unless both your hands are already occupied in her service. + +When you attend a wedding or bridal reception, it is the bridegroom whom +you are to _congratulate_, offering to the bride your wishes for her +future happiness, but not _congratulation_. If you are acquainted with +the bridegroom, but not with the bride, speak to him first, and he will +introduce you to his bride, but in any other case, you must speak first +to the bride, then to the bridegroom, then the bridesmaids, if you have +any previous acquaintance with them, then to the parents and family of +the bride, and after all this you are at liberty to seek your other +friends among the guests. If you are personally a stranger to the newly +married couple, but have received a card from being a friend of one of +the families or from any other reason, it is the first groomsman's +place to introduce you, and you should give him your card, or mention +your name, before he leads you to the bride. + +Always remove a chair or stool that stands in the way of a lady passing, +even though she is an entire stranger to you. + +You may hand a chair to a strange lady, in a hotel, or upon a boat; you +may hand her water, if you see her rise to obtain it, and at a hotel +table you may pass her the dishes near you, with perfect propriety. + +In this country where every other man uses tobacco, it may not be amiss +to say a few words on smoking. + +Dr. Prout says, "Tobacco is confessedly one of the most virulent poisons +in nature. Yet such is the fascinating influence of this noxious weed, +that mankind resort to it in every form they can devise, to ensure its +stupifying and pernicious agency. Tobacco disorders the assimilating +functions in general, but particularly, as I believe, the assimilation +of the saccharine principle. I have never, indeed, been able to trace +the development of oxalic acid to the use of tobacco; but that some +analogous, and equally poisonous principle (probably of an acid nature), +is generated in certain individuals by its abuse, is evident from their +cachectic looks, and from the dark, and often greenish yellow tint of +the blood. The severe and peculiar dyspeptic symptoms sometimes produced +by inveterate snuff-taking are well known; and I have more than once +seen such cases terminate fatally with malignant disease of the stomach +and liver. Great smokers, also, especially those who employ short pipes +and cigars, are said to be liable to cancerous affections of the lips." + +Yet, in spite of such warnings met with every day, Young America, +Middle-aged America, and Old America will continue to use the poison, +and many even use it in excess. An English writer gives some very good +rules for the times and places where smoking may be allowed, which I +quote for the use of smokers on this side of the water. + +He says: + +"But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which Raleigh taught our +gallants to puff in capacious bowls; which a royal pedant denounced in a +famous 'Counterblast;' which his flattering laureate, Ben Jonson, +ridiculed to please his master; which our wives and sisters protest +gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man can indulge +in; of which some fair favorers declare that they love the smell, and +others that they will never marry an indulger (which, by the way, they +generally end in doing); which has won a fame over more space and among +better men than Noah's grape has ever done; which doctors still dispute +about, and boys still get sick over; but which is the solace of the +weary laborer; the support of the ill-fed; the refresher of over-wrought +brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the exquisite; the +excuse of the idle; the companion of the philosopher; and the tenth muse +of the poet. I will go neither into the medical nor the moral question +about the dreamy, calming cloud. I will content myself so far with +saying what may be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind, +that, in moderation, it is at least harmless; but what is moderate and +what is not, must be determined in each individual case, according to +the habits and constitution of the subject. If it cures asthma, it may +destroy digestion; if it soothes the nerves, it may, in excess, produce +a chronic irritability. + +"But I will regard it in a social point of view; and, first, as a +narcotic, notice its effects on the individual character. I believe, +then, that in moderation it diminishes the violence of the passions, +and, particularly, that of the temper. Interested in the subject, I have +taken care to seek instances of members of the same family having the +same violent tempers by inheritance, of whom the one has been calmed +down by smoking, and the other gone on in his passionate course. I +believe that it induces a habit of calm reflectiveness, which causes us +to take less prejudiced, perhaps less zealous views of life, and to be, +therefore, less irritable in our converse with our fellow creatures. I +am inclined to think that the clergy, the squirearchy, and the peasantry +are the most prejudiced and most violent classes in this country; there +may be other reasons for this, but it is noteworthy that these are the +classes which smoke least. On the other hand, I confess that it induces +a certain lassitude, and a lounging, easy mode of life, which are fatal +both to the precision of manners and the vivacity of conversation. The +mind of a smoker is contemplative rather than active; and if the weed +cures our irritability, it kills our wit. I believe that it is a fallacy +to suppose that it encourages drinking. There is more drinking and less +smoking in England than in any other country of the civilized world. +There was more drinking among the gentry of last century, who never +smoked at all. Smoke and wine do not go well together. Coffee or beer +are its best accompaniments, and the one cannot intoxicate, the other +must be largely imbibed to do so. I have observed among young bachelors +that very little wine is drunk in their chambers, and that beer is +gradually taking its place. The cigar, too, is an excuse for rising from +the dinner-table where there are no ladies to go to. + +"In another point of view, I am inclined to think that smoking has +conduced to make the society of men, when alone, less riotous, less +quarrelsome, and even less vicious than it was. Where young men now blow +a common cloud, they were formerly driven to a fearful consumption of +wine, and this in their heads, they were ready and roused to any +iniquity. But the pipe is the bachelor's wife. With it he can endure +solitude longer, and is not forced into low society in order to shun it. +With it, too, the idle can pass many an hour, which otherwise he would +have given, not to work, but to extravagant devilries. With it he is no +longer restless and impatient for excitement of any kind. We never hear +now of young blades issuing in bands from their wine to beat the watch +or disturb the slumbering citizens, as we did thirty or forty years ago, +when smoking was still a rarity; they are all puffing harmlessly in +their chambers now. But, on the other hand, I foresee with dread a too +tender allegiance to the pipe, to the destruction of good society, and +the abandonment of the ladies. No wonder they hate it, dear creatures; +the pipe is the worst rival a woman can have, and it is one whose eyes +she cannot scratch out; who improves with age, while she herself +declines; who has an art which no woman possesses, that of never +wearying her devotee; who is silent, yet a companion; costs little, yet +gives much pleasure; who, lastly, never upbraids, and always yields the +same joy. Ah! this is a powerful rival to wife or maid, and no wonder +that at last the woman succumbs, consents, and, rather than lose her +lord or master, even supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands. + +"There are rules to limit this indulgence. One must never smoke, nor +even ask to smoke, in the company of the fair. If they know that in a +few minutes you will be running off to your cigar, the fair will do +well--say it is in a garden, or so--to allow you to bring it out and +smoke it there. One must never smoke, again, in the streets; that is, in +daylight. The deadly crime may be committed, like burglary, after dark, +but not before. One must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by the +ladies; thus, a well-bred man who has a wife or sisters, will not offer +to smoke in the dining-room after dinner. One must never smoke in a +public place, where ladies are or might be, for instance, a flower-show +or promenade. One may smoke in a railway-carriage in spite of by-laws, +if one has first obtained the consent of every one present; but if there +be a lady there, though she give her consent, smoke not. In nine cases +out of ten, she will give it from good nature. One must never smoke in a +close carriage; one may ask and obtain leave to smoke when returning +from a pic-nic or expedition in an open carriage. One must never smoke +in a theatre, on a race-course, nor in church. This last is not, +perhaps, a needless caution. In the Belgian churches you see a placard +announcing, 'Ici on ne mche pas du tabac.' One must never smoke when +anybody shows an objection to it. One must never smoke a pipe in the +streets; one must never smoke at all in the coffee-room of a hotel. One +must never smoke, without consent, in the presence of a clergyman, and +one must never offer a cigar to any ecclesiastic. + +"But if you smoke, or if you are in the company of smokers, and are to +wear your clothes in the presence of ladies afterwards, you must change +them to smoke in. A host who asks you to smoke, will generally offer you +an old coat for the purpose. You must also, after smoking, rinse the +mouth well out, and, if possible, brush the teeth. You should never +smoke in another person's house without leave, and you should not ask +leave to do so if there are ladies in the house. When you are going to +smoke a cigar you should offer one at the same time to anybody present, +if not a clergyman or a very old man. You should always smoke a cigar +given to you, whether good or bad, and never make any remarks on its +quality. + +"Smoking reminds me of spitting, but as this is at all times a +disgusting habit, I need say nothing more than--never indulge in it. +Besides being coarse and atrocious, it is very bad for the health." + +Chesterfield warns his son against faults in good breeding in the +following words, and these warnings will be equally applicable to the +student of etiquette in the present day. He says:-- + +"Of the lesser talents, good breeding is the principal and most +necessary one, not only as it is very important in itself, but as it +adds great lustre to the more solid advantages both of the heart and the +mind. I have often touched upon good breeding to you before; so that +this letter shall be upon the next necessary qualification to it, which +is a genteel and easy manner and carriage, wholly free from those odd +tricks, ill-habits, and awkwardnesses, which even many very worthy and +sensible people have in their behaviour. However trifling a genteel +manner may sound, it is of very great consequence towards pleasing in +private life, especially the women, which one time or other, you will +think worth pleasing; and I have known many a man from his awkwardness, +give people such a dislike of him at first, that all his merit could not +get the better of it afterwards. Whereas a genteel manner prepossesses +people in your favor, bends them towards you, and makes them wish to be +like you. Awkwardness can proceed but from two causes; either from not +having kept good company, or from not having attended to it. In good +company do you take care to observe their ways and manners, and to form +your own upon them. Attention is absolutely necessary for this, as, +indeed, it is for everything else; and a man without attention is not +fit to live in the world. When an awkward fellow first comes into a +room, it is highly probable that he goes and places himself in the very +place of the whole room where he should not; there he soon lets his hat +fall down, and, in taking it up again, throws down his cane; in +recovering his cane, his hat falls a second time, so that he is quarter +of an hour before he is in order again. If he drinks tea or coffee, he +certainly scalds his mouth, and lets either the cup or saucer fall, and +spills either the tea or coffee. At dinner his awkwardness distinguishes +itself particularly, as he has more to do; there he holds his knife, +fork, and spoon differently from other people, eats with his knife, to +the great danger of his mouth, picks his teeth with his fork, and puts +his spoon, which has been in his throat twenty times, into the dishes +again. If he is to carve, he can never hit the joint: but, in his vain +efforts to cut through the bone, scatters the sauce in everybody's face. +He generally daubs himself with soup and grease, though his napkin is +commonly stuck through a button-hole, and tickles his chin. When he +drinks, he infallibly coughs in his glass, and besprinkles the company. +Besides all this, he has strange tricks and gestures; such as snuffing +up his nose, making faces, putting his finger in his nose, or blowing it +and looking afterwards in his handkerchief so as to make the company +sick. His hands are troublesome to him, when he has not something in +them, and he does not know where to put them; but they are in perpetual +motion between his bosom and his breeches; he does not wear his clothes, +and, in short, he does nothing like other people. All this, I own, is +not in any degree criminal; but it is highly disagreeable and ridiculous +in company, and ought most carefully to be avoided, by whoever desires +to please. + +"From this account of what you should not do, you may easily judge what +you should do; and a due attention to the manners of people of fashion, +and who have seen the world, will make it habitual and familiar to you. + +"There is, likewise, an awkwardness of expression and words, most +carefully to be avoided; such as false English, bad pronunciation, old +sayings, and common proverbs; which are so many proofs of having kept +bad and low company. For example, if, instead of saying that tastes are +different, and that every man has his own peculiar one, you should let +off a proverb, and say, That what is one man's meat is another man's +poison; or else, Every one as they like, as the good man said when he +kissed his cow; everybody would be persuaded that you had never kept +company with anybody above footmen and housemaids. + +"Attention will do all this, and without attention nothing is to be +done; want of attention, which is really want of thought, is either +folly or madness. You should not only have attention to everything, but +a quickness of attention, so as to observe, at once, all the people in +the room, their motions, their looks, and their words, and yet without +staring at them, and seeming to be an observer. This quick and +unobserved observation is of infinite advantage in life, and is to be +acquired with care; and, on the contrary, what is called absence, which +is thoughtlessness, and want of attention about what is doing, makes a +man so like either a fool or a madman, that, for my part, I see no real +difference. A fool never has thought; a madman has lost it; and an +absent man is, for the time, without it. + +"I would warn you against those disagreeable tricks and awkwardnesses, +which many people contract when they are young, by the negligence of +their parents, and cannot get quit of them when they are old; such as +odd motions, strange postures, and ungenteel carriage. But there is +likewise an awkwardness of the mind, that ought to be, and with care may +be, avoided; as, for instance, to mistake names; to speak of Mr. +What-d'ye-call-him, or Mrs. Thingum, or How-d'ye-call-her, is +excessively awkward and ordinary. To call people by improper titles and +appellations is so too. To begin a story or narration when you are not +perfect in it, and cannot go through with it, but are forced, possibly, +to say, in the middle of it, 'I have forgotten the rest,' is very +unpleasant and bungling. One must be extremely exact, clear, and +perspicuous, in everything one says, otherwise, instead of entertaining, +or informing others, one only tires and puzzles them. The voice and +manner of speaking, too, are not to be neglected; some people almost +shut their mouths when they speak, and mutter so, that they are not to +be understood; others speak so fast, and sputter, that they are not to +be understood neither; some always speak as loud as if they were talking +to deaf people; and others so low that one cannot hear them. All these +habits are awkward and disagreeable, and are to be avoided by attention; +they are the distinguishing marks of the ordinary people, who have had +no care taken of their education. You cannot imagine how necessary it is +to mind all these little things; for I have seen many people with great +talents ill-received, for want of having these talents, too; and others +well received, only from their little talents, and who have had no great +ones." + +Nothing is in worse taste in society than to repeat the witticisms or +remarks of another person as if they were your own. If you are +discovered in the larceny of another's ideas, you may originate a +thousand brilliant ones afterwards, but you will not gain the credit of +one. If you quote your friend's remarks, give them as quotations. + +Be cautious in the use of your tongue. Wise men say, that a man may +repent when he has spoken, but he will not repent if he keeps silence. + +If you wish to retain a good position in society, be careful to return +all the visits which are paid to you, promptly, and do not neglect your +calls upon ladies, invalids, and men older than yourself. + +Visiting cards should be small, perfectly plain, with your name, and, if +you will, your address _engraved_ upon it. A handsomely written card is +the most elegant one for a gentleman, after that comes the engraved one; +a printed one is very seldom used, and is not at all elegant. Have no +fanciful devices, ornamented edges, or flourishes upon your visiting +cards, and never put your profession or business upon any but business +cards, unless it is as a prefix or title: as, Dr., Capt., Col., or Gen., +in case you are in the army or navy, put U.S.N., or U.S.A. after your +name, but if you are only in the militia, avoid the vulgarity of using +your title, excepting when you are with your company or on a parade. +Tinted cards may be used, but plain white ones are much more elegant. If +you leave a card at a hotel or boarding house, write the name of the +person for whom it is intended above your own, on the card. + +In directing a letter, put first the name of the person for whom it is +intended, then the name of the city, then that of the state in which he +resides. If you send it to the care of another person, or to a boarding +house, or hotel, you can put that name either after the name of your +correspondent, or in the left hand corner of the letter--thus:-- + + MR. J. S. JONES, + Care of Mr. T. C. Jones, + Boston, + Mass. + +or, + + MR. J. S. JONES, + Boston, + Mass. + Revere House. + +If your friend is in the army or navy, put his title before his station +after his name, thus:-- + + CAPT. L. LEWIS, U.S.A., + +or, + + LIEUTENANT T. ROBERTS, U.S.N. + +If you send your letter by a private hand, put the name of the bearer in +the lower left hand corner of the envelope, but put the name only. +"Politeness of,"--or "Kindness of," are obsolete, and not used now at +all. Write the direction thus:-- + + J. L. HOLMES, ESQ., + Revere House, + Boston, + Mass. + + C. L. Cutts, Esq. + +This will let your friend, Mr. Holmes, know that Mr. Cutts is in Boston, +which is the object to be gained by putting the name of the bearer on a +letter, sent by a private hand. + +GUARD AGAINST VULGAR LANGUAGE. There is as much connection between the +words and the thoughts as there is between the thoughts and the words; +the latter are not only the expression of the former, but they have a +power to re-act upon the soul and leave the stains of their corruption +there. A young man who allows himself to use one profane or vulgar word, +has not only shown that there is a foul spot on his mind, but by the +utterance of that word he extends that spot and inflames it, till, by +indulgence, it will soon pollute and ruin the whole soul. Be careful of +your words as well as your thoughts. If you can control the tongue, that +no improper words are pronounced by it, you will soon be able to control +the mind and save it from corruption. You extinguish the fire by +smothering it, or by preventing bad thoughts bursting out in language. +Never utter a word anywhere, which you would be ashamed to speak in the +presence of the most religious man. Try this practice a little, and you +will soon have command of yourself. + +Do not be known as an egotist. No man is more dreaded in society, or +accounted a greater "bore" than he whose every other word is "I," "me," +or "my." Show an interest in all that others say of themselves, but +speak but little of your own affairs. + +It is quite as bad to be a mere relater of scandal or the affairs of +your neighbors. A female gossip is detestable, but a male gossip is not +only detestable but utterly despicable. + +A celebrated English lawyer gives the following directions for young men +entering into business. He says:-- + +"SELECT THE KIND OF BUSINESS THAT SUITS YOUR NATURAL INCLINATIONS AND +TEMPERAMENT.--Some men are naturally mechanics; others have a strong +aversion to anything like machinery, and so on; one man has a natural +taste for one occupation in life, and another for another. + +"I never could succeed as a merchant. I have tried it, unsuccessfully, +several times. I never could be content with a fixed salary, for mine is +a purely speculative disposition, while others are just the reverse; and +therefore all should be careful to select those occupations that suit +them best. + +"LET YOUR PLEDGED WORD EVER BE SACRED.--Never promise to do a thing +without performing it with the most rigid promptness. Nothing is more +valuable to a man in business than the name of always doing as he +agrees, and that to the moment. A strict adherence to this rule gives a +man the command of half the spare funds within the range of his +acquaintance, and encircles him with a host of friends, who may be +depended upon in any emergency. + +"WHATEVER YOU DO, DO WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT.--Work at it, if necessary, +early and late, in season and out of season, not leaving a stone +unturned, and never deferring for a single hour that which can just as +well be done _now_. The old proverb is full of truth and +meaning--"Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well." Many a +man acquires a fortune by doing his business _thoroughly_, while his +neighbor remains poor for life, because he only _half_ does his +business. Ambition, energy, industry, and perseverance, are +indispensable requisites for success in business. + +"SOBRIETY. USE NO DESCRIPTION OF INTOXICATING DRINKS.--As no man can +succeed in business unless he has a _brain_ to enable him to lay his +plans, and _reason_ to guide him in their execution, so, no matter how +bountifully a man may be blessed with intelligence, if his brain is +muddled, and his judgment warped by intoxicating drinks, it is +impossible for him to carry on business successfully. How many good +opportunities have passed never to return, while a man was sipping a +'social glass' with a friend! How many a foolish bargain has been made +under the influence of the wine-cup, which temporarily makes his victim +so _rich_! How many important chances have been put off until to-morrow, +and thence for ever, because indulgence has thrown the system into a +state of lassitude, neutralizing the energies so essential to success in +business. The use of intoxicating drinks as a beverage is as much an +infatuation as is the smoking of opium by the Chinese, and the former is +quite as destructive to the success of the business man as the latter. + +"LET HOPE PREDOMINATE, BUT BE NOT TOO VISIONARY.--Many persons are +always kept poor because they are too _visionary_. Every project looks +to them like certain success, and, therefore, they keep changing from +one business to another, always in hot water, and always 'under the +harrow.' The plan of 'counting the chickens before they are hatched,' is +an error of ancient date, but it does not seem to improve by age. + +"DO NOT SCATTER YOUR POWERS.--Engage in one kind of business only, and +stick to it faithfully until you succeed, or until you conclude to +abandon it. A constant hammering on one nail will generally drive it +home at last, so that it can be clinched. When a man's undivided +attention is centered on one object, his mind will continually be +suggesting improvements of value, which would escape him if his brain +were occupied by a dozen different subjects at once. Many a fortune has +slipped through men's fingers by engaging in too many occupations at +once. + +"ENGAGE PROPER EMPLOYEES.--Never employ a man of bad habits when one +whose habits are good can be found to fill his situation. I have +generally been extremely fortunate in having faithful and competent +persons to fill the responsible situations in my business; and a man can +scarcely be too grateful for such a blessing. When you find a man unfit +to fill his station, either from incapacity or peculiarity of character +or disposition, dispense with his services, and do not drag out a +miserable existence in the vain attempt to change his nature. It is +utterly impossible to do so, 'You cannot make a silk purse,' &c. He has +been created for some other sphere; let him find and fill it." + +If you wish to succeed in society, and be known as a man who converses +well, you must cultivate your memory. Do not smile and tell me that this +is a gift, not an acquirement. It is true that some people have +naturally a more retentive memory than others, but those naturally most +deficient may strengthen their powers by cultivation. + +Cultivate, therefore, this glorious faculty, by storing and exercising +it with trains of imagery. Accustom yourselves to look at any natural +object, and then consider how many facts and thoughts may be associated +with it--how much of poetic imagery and refined combinations. Follow out +this idea, and you will find that imagination, which is too often in +youth permitted to build up castles in the air, tenantless as they are +unprofitable, will become, if duly exercised, a source of much +enjoyment. I was led into this train of thought while walking in a +beautiful country, and seeing before me a glorious rainbow, over-arching +the valley which lay in front. And not more quickly than its appearance, +came to my remembrance an admirable passage in the "Art of Poetic +Painting," wherein the author suggests the great mental advantage of +exercising the mind on all subjects, by considering-- + + "What use can be made of them? + What remarks they will illustrate? + What representations they will serve? + What comparison they will furnish?" + +And while thus thinking, I remembered that the ingenious author has +instanced the rainbow as affording a variety of illustrations, and +capable, in the imagery which it suggests, of numerous combinations. +Thus: + + +THE HUES OF THE RAINBOW + + Tinted the green and flowery banks of the stream; + Tinged the white blossoms of the apple orchards; + Shed a beauteous radiance on the grass; + Veiled the waning moon and the evening star; + Over-arched the mist of the waterfall; + Reminded the looker-on of peace opposed to turbulence. + And illustrated the moral that even the most beautiful things + of earth must pass away. + +Every book you read, every natural object which meets your view, may be +the exercise of memory, be made to furnish food both for reflection and +conversation, enjoyment for your own solitary hours, and the means of +making you popular in society. Believe me, the man who--"saw it, to be +sure, but really forgot what it looked like," who is met every day in +society, will not be sought after as will the man, who, bringing memory +and fancy happily blended to bear upon what he sees, can make every +object worthy of remark familiar and interesting to those who have not +seen it. + +If you have leisure moments, and what man has not? do not consider them +as spare atoms of time to be wasted, idled away in profitless lounging. +Always have a book within your reach, which you may catch up at your odd +minutes. Resolve to edge in a little reading every day, if it is but a +single sentence. If you can give fifteen minutes a day, it will be felt +at the end of the year. Thoughts take up no room. When they are right +they afford a portable pleasure, which one may travel or labor with +without any trouble or incumbrance. + +In your intercourse with other men, let every word that falls from your +lips, bear the stamp of perfect truth. No reputation can be more +enviable than that of being known as a man who no consideration could +force to soil his soul with a lie. + +"Truth is naturally so acceptable to man, so charming in herself, that +to make falsehood be received, we are compelled to dress it up in the +snow-white robes of Truth; as in passing base coin, it must have the +impress of the good ere it will pass current. Deception, hypocrisy, and +dissimulation, are, when practised, direct compliments to the power of +Truth; and the common custom of passing off Truth's counterfeit for +herself, is strong testimony in behalf of her intrinsic beauty and +excellence." + +Next to being a man of talent, a well-read man is the most agreeable in +society, and no investment of money or time is so profitable as that +spent in good, useful books, and reading. A good book is a lasting +companion. Truths, which it has taken years to glean, are therein at +once freely but carefully communicated. We enjoy communion with the +mind, though not with the person of the writer. Thus the humblest man +may surround himself by the wisest and best spirits of past and present +ages. No one can be solitary who possesses a book; he owns a friend that +will instruct him in moments of leisure or of necessity. It is only +necessary to turn open the leaves, and the fountain at once gives forth +its streams. You may seek costly furniture for your homes, fanciful +ornaments for your mantel-pieces, and rich carpets for your floors; but, +after the absolute necessaries for a home, give me books as at once the +cheapest, and certainly the most useful and abiding embellishments. + +A true gentleman will not only refrain from ridiculing the follies, +ignorance, or infirmities of others, but he will not even allow himself +to smile at them. He will treat the rudest clown with the same easy +courtesy which he would extend to the most polished gentleman, and will +never by word, look, or gesture show that he notices the faults, or +vulgarity of another. _Personal deformity_ is a cross sent by God, and +none but a depraved, wicked, and brutal man could ridicule, or even +greet with a passing smile the unfortunate thus stamped. Even a word or +look of pity will wound the sensitive, but frank, gentle courtesy, the +regard paid by a feeling man to the comfort of a cripple, or that easy +grace which, while it shows no sign of seeing the deformity, shows more +deference to the afflicted one than to the more fortunate, are all duly +appreciated and acknowledged, and win for the man who extends them the +respect and love of all with whom he comes in contact. + +Remember that true wit never descends to personalities. When you hear a +man trying to be "funny" at the expense of his friends, or even his +enemies, you may feel sure that his _humor_ is forced, and while it +sinks to ill-nature, cannot rise to the level of true _wit_. + +Never try to make yourself out to be a very important person. If you are +so really, your friends will soon find it out, if not, they will not +give you credit for being so, because you try to force your fancied +importance upon them. A pompous fool, though often seen, is not much +loved nor respected, and you may remember that the frog who tried to +make himself as big as an ox, died in the attempt. + +A severe wit once said, "If you do not wish to be the mark for +slanderous tongues, be the first to enter a room, and the last to leave +it." + +If you are ever tempted to speak against a woman, think first--"Suppose +she were my sister!" You can never gain anything by bringing your voice +against a woman, even though she may deserve contempt, and your +forbearance may shame others into a similar silence. It is a cowardly +tongue that will take a woman's name upon it to injure her; though many +men do this, who would fear,--_absolutely be afraid_, to speak against a +man, or that same woman, had she a manly arm to protect her. + +I again quote from the celebrated Lord Chesterfield, who says: + +"It is good-breeding alone that can prepossess people in your favour at +first sight, more time being necessary to discover greater talents. This +good-breeding, you know, does not consist in low bows and formal +ceremony; but in an easy, civil, and respectful behaviour. You will take +care, therefore, to answer with complaisance, when you are spoken to; to +place yourself at the lower end of the table, unless bid to go higher; +to drink first to the lady of the house, and next to the master; not to +eat awkwardly or dirtily; not to sit when others stand; and to do all +this with an air of complaisance, and not with a grave, sour look, as if +you did it all unwillingly. I do not mean a silly, insipid smile, that +fools have when they would be civil; but an air of sensible good-humor. +I hardly know anything so difficult to attain, or so necessary to +possess, as perfect good-breeding; which is equally inconsistent with a +still formality, and impertinent forwardness, and an awkward +bashfulness. A little ceremony is often necessary; a certain degree of +firmness is absolutely so; and an outward modesty is extremely becoming; +the knowledge of the world, and your own observations, must, and alone +can tell you the proper quantities of each. + +"I mentioned the general rules of common civility, which, whoever does +not observe, will pass for a bear, and be as unwelcome as one, in +company; there is hardly any body brutal enough not to answer when they +are spoken to. But it is not enough not to be rude; you should be +extremely civil, and distinguished for your good breeding. The first +principle of this good breeding is never to say anything that you think +can be disagreeable to any body in company; but, on the contrary, you +should endeavor to say what will be agreeable to them; and that in an +easy and natural manner, without seeming to study for compliments. There +is likewise such a thing as a civil look, and a rude look; and you +should look civil, as well as be so; for if, while you are saying a +civil thing, you look gruff and surly, as English bumpkins do, nobody +will be obliged to you for a civility that seemed to come so +unwillingly. If you have occasion to contradict any body, or to set them +right from a mistake, it would be very brutal to say, '_That is not so, +I know better_, or _You are out_; but you should say with a civil look, +_I beg your pardon, I believe you mistake_, or, _If I may take the +liberty of contradicting you, I believe it is so and so_; for, though +you may know a thing better than other people, yet it is very shocking +to tell them so directly, without something to soften it; but remember +particularly, that whatever you say or do, with ever so civil an +intention, a great deal consists in the manner and the look, which must +be genteel, easy, and natural, and is easier to be felt than described. + +"Civility is particularly due to all women; and remember, that no +provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every +woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute, if he were +not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is the only +protection they have against the superior strength of ours; nay, even a +little flattery is allowable with women; and a man may, without +meanness, tell a woman that she is either handsomer or wiser than she +is. Observe the French people, and mind how easily and naturally civil +their address is, and how agreeably they insinuate little civilities in +their conversation. They think it so essential, that they call an honest +man and a civil man by the same name, of _honnte homme_; and the Romans +called civility _humanitas_, as thinking it inseparable from humanity. +You cannot begin too early to take that turn, in order to make it +natural and habitual to you." + +Again, speaking of the inconveniency of bashfulness, he says:-- + +"As for the _mauvaise honte_, I hope you are above it. Your figure is +like other people's; I suppose you will care that your dress shall be so +too, and to avoid any singularity. What then should you be ashamed of? +and why not go into a mixed company, with as much ease and as little +concern, as you would go into your own room? Vice and ignorance are the +only things I know, which one ought to be ashamed of; keep but clear of +them, and you may go anywhere without fear or concern. I have known some +people, who, from feeling the pain and inconveniences of this _mauvaise +honte_, have rushed into the other extreme, and turned impudent, as +cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of danger; but this too +is carefully to be avoided, there being nothing more generally shocking +than impudence. The medium between these two extremes marks out the +well-bred man; he feels himself firm and easy in all companies; is +modest without being bashful, and steady without being impudent; if he +is a stranger, he observes, with care, the manners and ways of the +people most esteemed at that place, and conforms to them with +complaisance." + +Flattery is always in bad taste. If you say more in a person's praise +than is deserved, you not only say what is _false_, but you make others +doubt the wisdom of your judgment. Open, palpable flattery will be +regarded by those to whom it is addressed as an insult. In your +intercourse with ladies, you will find that the delicate compliment of +seeking their society, showing your pleasure in it, and choosing for +subjects of conversation, other themes than the weather, dress, or the +opera, will be more appreciated by women of sense, than the more awkward +compliment of open words or gestures of admiration. + +Never imitate the eccentricities of other men, even though those men +have the highest genius to excuse their oddities. Eccentricity is, at +the best, in bad taste; but an imitation of it--second hand oddity--is +detestable. + +Never feign abstraction in society. If you have matters of importance +which really occupy your mind, and prevent you from paying attention to +the proper etiquette of society, stay at home till your mind is less +preoccupied. Chesterfield says:-- + +"What is commonly called an absent man, is commonly either a very weak, +or a very affected man; but be he which he will, he is, I am sure, a +very disagreeable man in company. He fails in all the common offices of +civility; he seems not to know those people to-day, whom yesterday he +appeared to live in intimacy with. He takes no part in the general +conversation; but, on the contrary, breaks into it from time to time, +with some start of his own, as if he waked from a dream. This (as I said +before) is a sure indication, either of a mind so weak that it is not +able to bear above one object at a time; or so affected, that it would +be supposed to be wholly engrossed by, and directed to, some very great +and important objects. Sir Isaac Newton, Mr. Locke, and (it may be) five +or six more, since the creation of the world, may have had a right to +absence, from that intense thought which the things they were +investigating required. But if a young man, and a man of the world, who +has no such avocations to plead, will claim and exercise that right of +absence in company, his pretended right should, in my mind, be turned +into an involuntary absence, by his perpetual exclusion out of company. +However frivolous a company may be, still, while you are among them, do +not show them, by your inattention, that you think them so; but rather +take their tone, and conform, in some degree, to their weakness, instead +of manifesting your contempt for them. There is nothing that people +bear more impatiently, or forgive less, than contempt; and an injury is +much sooner forgotten than an insult. If, therefore, you would rather +please than offend, rather be well than ill-spoken of, rather be loved +than hated; remember to have that constant attention about you, which +flatters every man's little vanity; and the want of which, by mortifying +his pride, never fails to excite his resentment, or, at least, his ill +will. For instance: most people (I might say all people) have their +weaknesses; they have their aversions and their likings to such or such +things; so that, if you were to laugh at a man for his aversion to a +cat, or cheese, (which are common antipathies,) or, by inattention and +negligence, to let them come in his way, where you could prevent it, he +would, in the first case, think himself insulted, and, in the second, +slighted, and would remember both. Whereas your care to procure for him +what he likes, and to remove from him what he hates, shows him that he +is, at least, an object of your attention; flatters his vanity, and +makes him, possibly, more your friend than a more important service +would have done. With regard to women, attentions still below these are +necessary, and, by the custom of the world, in some measure due, +according to the laws of good breeding." + +In giving an entertainment to your friends, while you avoid extravagant +expenditure, it is your duty to place before them the best your purse +will permit you to purchase, and be sure you have plenty. Abundance +without superfluity, and good quality without extravagance, are your +best rules for an entertainment. + +If, by the introduction of a friend, by a mistake, or in any other way, +your enemy, or a man to whom you have the strongest personal dislike, is +under your roof, or at your table, as a guest, hospitality and good +breeding both require you to treat him with the same frank courtesy +which you extend to your other guests; though you need make no violent +protestations of friendship, and are not required to make any advances +towards him after he ceases to be your guest. + +In giving a dinner party, invite only as many guests as you can seat +comfortably at your table. If you have two tables, have them precisely +alike, or, rest assured, you will offend those friends whom you place at +what they judge to be the inferior table. Above all, avoid having little +tables placed in the corners of the room, when there is a large table. +At some houses in Paris it is a fashion to set the dining room entirely +with small tables, which will accommodate comfortably three or four +people, and such parties are very merry, very sociable and pleasant, if +four congenial people are around each table; but it is a very dull +fashion, if you are not sure of the congeniality of each quartette of +guests. + +If you lose your fortune or position in society, it is wiser to retire +from the world of fashion than to wait for that world to bow you out. + +If you are poor, but welcome in society on account of your family or +talents, avoid the error which the young are most apt to fall into, that +of living beyond your means. + +The advice of Polonius to Laertes is as excellent in the present day, as +it was in Shakespeare's time:-- + + "Give thy thoughts no tongue, + Nor any unproportioned thought his act. + Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. + The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, + Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel: + But do not dull thy palm with entertainments + Of each new hatch'd, unfledg'd comrade. Beware + Of entrance to a quarrel: but, being in, + Bear it that the opposer may beware of thee. + Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice; + Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment. + Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, + But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy; + For the apparel oft proclaims the man. + + * * * * * + + Neither a borrower nor a lender be: + For loan oft loses both itself and friend; + And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. + This above all,--To thine ownself be true; + And it must follow, as the night the day, + Thou canst not then be false to any man." + +It is by no means desirable to be always engaged in the serious pursuits +of life. Take time for pleasure, and you will find your work progresses +faster for some recreation. Lord Chesterfield says: + +"I do not regret the time that I passed in pleasures; they were +seasonable; they were the pleasures of youth, and I enjoyed them while +young. If I had not, I should probably have overvalued them now, as we +are very apt to do what we do not know; but knowing them as I do, I know +their real value, and how much they are generally overrated. Nor do I +regret the time that I have passed in business, for the same reason; +those who see only the outside of it, imagine it has hidden charms, +which they pant after; and nothing but acquaintance can undeceive them. +I, who have been behind the scenes, both of pleasure and business, and +have seen all the springs and pullies of those decorations which +astonish and dazzle the audience, retire, not only without regret, but +with contentment and satisfaction. But what I do, and ever shall regret, +is the time which, while young, I lost in mere idleness, and in doing +nothing. This is the common effect of the inconsideracy of youth, +against which I beg you will be most carefully upon your guard. The +value of moments, when cast up, is immense, if well employed; if thrown +away, their loss is irrecoverable. Every moment may be put to some use, +and that with much more pleasure than if unemployed. Do not imagine that +by the employment of time, I mean an uninterrupted application to +serious studies. No; pleasures are, at proper times, both as necessary +and as useful; they fashion and form you for the world; they teach you +characters, and show you the human heart in its unguarded minutes. But +then remember to make that use of them. I have known many people, from +laziness of mind, go through both pleasure and business with equal +inattention; neither enjoying the one nor doing the other; thinking +themselves men of pleasure, because they were mingled with those who +were, and men of business, because they had business to do, though they +did not do it. Whatever you do, do it to the purpose; do it thoroughly, +not superficially. _Approfondissez_: go to the bottom of things. +Anything half done or half known, is, in my mind, neither done nor +known at all. Nay worse, it often misleads. There is hardly any place or +any company where you may not gain knowledge, if you please; almost +every body knows some one thing, and is glad to talk upon that one +thing. Seek and you will find, in this world as well as in the next. See +everything; inquire into everything; and you may excuse your curiosity, +and the questions you ask, which otherwise might be thought impertinent, +by your manner of asking them; for most things depend a great deal upon +the manner. As, for example, I _am afraid that I am very troublesome +with my questions; but nobody can inform me so well as you_; or +something of that kind." + +The same author, speaking of the evils of pedantry, says:-- + +"Every excellency, and every virtue has its kindred vice or weakness; +and, if carried beyond certain bounds, sinks into one or the other. +Generosity often runs into profusion, economy into avarice, courage into +rashness, caution into timidity, and so on:--insomuch that, I believe, +there is more judgment required for the proper conduct of our virtues, +than for avoiding their opposite vices. Vice, in its true light, is so +deformed, that it shocks us at first sight, and would hardly ever seduce +us, if it did not at first wear the mask of some virtue. But virtue is, +in itself, so beautiful, that it charms us at first sight; engages us +more and more upon further acquaintance; and, as with other beauties, we +think excess impossible, it is here that judgment is necessary, to +moderate and direct the effects of an excellent cause. I shall apply +this reasoning, at present, not to any particular virtue, but to an +excellency, which, for want of judgment, is often the cause of +ridiculous and blameable effects; I mean great learning; which, if not +accompanied with sound judgment, frequently carries us into error, +pride, and pedantry. As, I hope, you will possess that excellency in its +utmost extent, and yet without its too common failings, the hints, which +my experience can suggest, may probably not be useless to you. + +"Some learned men, proud of their knowledge, only speak to decide, and +give judgment without appeal; the consequence of which is, that mankind, +provoked by the insult, and injured by the oppression, revolt; and, in +order to shake off the tyranny, even call the lawful authority in +question. The more you know, the modester you should be; and (by the +bye) that modesty is the surest way of gratifying your vanity. Even +where you are sure, seem rather doubtful; represent, but do not +pronounce; and, if you would convince others, seem open to conviction +yourself. + +"Others, to show their learning, or often from the prejudices of a +school education, where they hear of nothing else, are always talking of +the ancients, as something more than men, and of the moderns, as +something less. They are never without a classic or two in their +pockets; they stick to the old good sense; they read none of the modern +trash; and will show you plainly that no improvement has been made in +any one art or science these last seventeen hundred years. I would, by +no means, have you disown your acquaintance with the ancients; but still +less would I have you brag of an exclusive intimacy with them. Speak of +the moderns without contempt, and of the ancients without idolatry; +judge them all by their merits, but not by their ages; and if you happen +to have an Elzevir classic in your pocket, neither show it nor mention +it. + +"Some great scholars, most absurdly, draw all their maxims, both for +public and private life, from what they call parallel cases in the +ancient authors; without considering that, in the first place, there +never were, since the creation of the world, two cases exactly parallel; +and, in the next place, that there never was a case stated, or even +known, by any historian, with every one of its circumstances; which, +however, ought to be known in order to be reasoned from. Reason upon the +case itself, and the several circumstances that attend it, and act +accordingly; but not from the authority of ancient poets or historians. +Take into your consideration, if you please, cases seemingly analogous; +but take them as helps only, not as guides. + +"There is another species of learned men who, though less dogmatical and +supercilious, are not less impertinent. These are the communicative and +shining pedants, who adorn their conversation, even with women, by happy +quotations of Greek and Latin; and who have contracted such a +familiarity with the Greek and Roman authors, that they call them by +certain names or epithets denoting intimacy. As, _old_ Homer; that _sly +rogue_ Horace; _Maro_, instead of Virgil; and _Naso_, instead of Ovid. +These are often imitated by coxcombs who have no learning at all, but +who have got some names and some scraps of ancient authors by heart, +which they improperly and impertinently retail in all companies, in +hopes of passing for scholars. If, therefore, you would avoid the +accusation of pedantry on one hand, or the suspicion of ignorance on the +other, abstain from learned ostentation. Speak the language of the +company that you are in; speak it purely, and unlarded with any other. +Never seem wiser nor more learned than the people you are with. Wear +your learning, like your watch, in a private pocket; and do not pull it +out and strike it, merely to show that you have one. If you are asked +what o'clock it is, tell it, but do not proclaim it hourly and unasked, +like the watchman. + +"Upon the whole, remember that learning (I mean Greek and Roman +learning) is a most useful and necessary ornament, which it is shameful +not to be master of; but, at the same time, most carefully avoid those +errors and abuses which I have mentioned, and which too often attend it. +Remember, too, that great modern knowledge is still more necessary than +ancient; and that you had better know perfectly the present, than the +old state of the world; though I would have you well acquainted with +both." + +If you are poor, you must deprive yourself often of the pleasure of +escorting ladies to ride, the opera, or other entertainments, because it +is understood in society that, in these cases, a gentleman pays all the +expenses for both, and in any emergency you may find your bill for +carriage hire, suppers, bouquets, or other unforeseen demands, greater +than you anticipated. + +Shun the card table. Even the friendly games common in society, for +small stakes, are best avoided. They feed the love of gambling, and you +will find that this love, if once acquired, is the hardest curse to get +rid of. + +It is in bad taste, though often done, to turn over the cards on a +table, when you are calling. If your host or hostess finds you so doing, +it may lead them to suppose you value them more for their acquaintances +than themselves. + + + + +---------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Transcriber's Note: + + +Inconsistencies in accents (e.g. tete a tete vs. tte tte) and +hyphenation (e.g. ball room vs. ball-room) have not been corrected. +Variant spellings have also been retained. + +Minor typographical errors (e.g. missing punctuation, incorrect or +duplicate letters) have been corrected without note. + +The following changes were also made to the text: + +p. 130: missing 'at' added (too lazy to part it at all) + +p. 255: two asterisks changed to ellipsis (before he begins any +other....) + +p. 266: italics added to 'I' and removed from 'or' ( _I have the honor +to acquaint you_; _Permit me to assure you_; or,) + +p. 292: italics removed from 'of' (_largesse_ of) + +p. 332: off to of (get rid of) + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and +Manual of Politeness, by Cecil B. 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Hartley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness + Being a Complete Guide for a Gentleman's Conduct in all + his Relations Towards Society + +Author: Cecil B. Hartley + +Release Date: March 28, 2012 [EBook #39293] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + + + + +Produced by Julia Miller, S.D., and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div id="titlepg"> +<h1><span class="wee">THE</span><br /> +GENTLEMEN’S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE,<br /> +<span class="wee">AND</span><br /> +MANUAL OF POLITENESS;</h1> + +<p class="center sm">BEING<br /><br /> + +A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR A GENTLEMAN’S CONDUCT IN ALL<br /> +HIS RELATIONS TOWARDS SOCIETY.</p> + +<p class="center sm">CONTAINING<br /><br /> + +RULES FOR THE ETIQUETTE TO BE OBSERVED IN THE STREET, AT<br /> +TABLE, IN THE BALL ROOM, EVENING PARTY, AND MORNING<br /> +CALL; WITH FULL DIRECTIONS FOR POLITE CORRESPONDENCE,<br /> +DRESS, CONVERSATION, MANLY EXERCISES,<br /> +AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS.</p> + +<p class="center">FROM THE BEST FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND AMERICAN AUTHORITIES.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sm">BY</span><br /> +<span class="med">CECIL B. HARTLEY.</span></p> + +<p class="center">BOSTON:<br /> +G. W. COTTRELL, PUBLISHER,<br /> +<span class="smcap">36 Cornhill</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p id="copy"> +<span class="sm">Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by</span><br /> + +G. G. EVANS,<br /> + +<span class="sm">in the Clerk’s Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of +Pennsylvania.</span></p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">{3}</a></span></p> + +<h2>INTRODUCTION.</h2> + +<p class="center sm">[<a href="#CONTENTS">Skip to Table of Contents</a>]</p> + +<p>Man was not intended to live like a bear or a hermit, apart +from others of his own nature, and, philosophy and reason will +each agree with me, that man was born for sociability and finds +his true delight in society. Society is a word capable of many +meanings, and used here in each and all of them. Society, +<i>par excellence</i>; the world at large; the little clique to which he +is bound by early ties; the companionship of friends or relatives; +even society <i>tete a tete</i> with one dear sympathizing soul, are +pleasant states for a man to be in.</p> + +<p>Taking the word in its most extended view, it is the world; +but in the light we wish to impress in our book it is the smaller +world of the changing, pleasant intercourse of each city or town +in which our reader may chance to abide.</p> + +<p>This society, composed, as it is, of many varying natures +and elements, where each individual must submit to merge his +own identity into the universal whole, which makes the word +and state, is divided and subdivided into various cliques, and +has a pastime for every disposition, grave or gay; and with each +division rises up a new set of forms and ceremonies to be observed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">{4}</a></span> +if you wish to glide down the current of polite life, +smoothly and pleasantly.</p> + +<p>The young man who makes his first entrance into the world +of society, should know how to choose his friends, and next +how to conduct himself towards them. Experience is, of +course, the best guide, but at first starting this must come second +hand, from an older friend, or from books.</p> + +<p>A judicious friend is the best guide; but how is the young +man to know whom to choose? When at home this friend is +easily selected; but in this country, where each bird leaves the +parent nest as soon as his wings will bear him safely up, there +are but few who stay amongst the friends at home.</p> + +<p>Next then comes the instruction from books.</p> + +<p>True a book will not fully supply the place either of experience +or friendly advice, still it may be made useful, and, carefully +written from the experience of heads grown gray in +society, with only well authenticated rules, it will be a guide +not to be despised by the young aspirant for favor in polite and +refined circles.</p> + +<p>You go into society from mixed motives; partly for pleasure, +recreation after the fatigues of your daily duties, and partly +that you may become known. In a republican country where +one man’s opportunities for rising are as good as those of another, +ambition will lead every rising man into society.</p> + +<p>You may set it down as a rule, that as you treat the world, +so the world will treat you. Carry into the circles of society +a refined, polished manner, and an amiable desire to please, +and it will meet you with smiling grace, and lead you forward +pleasantly along the flowery paths; go, on the contrary, with a +brusque, rude manner, startling all the silky softness before you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">{5}</a></span> +with cut and thrust remarks, carrying only the hard realities +of life in your hand, and you will find society armed to meet +you, showing only sharp corners and thorny places for your +blundering footsteps to stumble against.</p> + +<p>You will find in every circle that etiquette holds some sway; +her rule is despotic in some places, in others mild, and easily +set aside. Your first lesson in society will be to study where +she reigns supreme, in her crown and holding her sceptre, and +where she only glides in with a gentle hint or so, and timidly +steps out if rebuked; and let your conduct be governed by the +result of your observations. You will soon become familiar +with the signs, and tell on your first entrance into a room +whether kid gloves and exquisite finish of manner will be appropriate, +or whether it is “hail, fellow, well met” with the +inmates. Remember, however, “once a gentleman always a +gentleman,” and be sure that you can so carry out the rule, +that in your most careless, joyous moments, when freest from +the restraints of etiquette, you can still be recognizable as a +<em>gentleman</em> by every act, word, or look.</p> + +<p>Avoid too great a restraint of manner. Stiffness is not politeness, +and, while you observe every rule, you may appear to +heed none. To make your politeness part of yourself, inseparable +from every action, is the height of gentlemanly elegance +and finish of manner.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">{6}</a></span></p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7"><br />{7}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS.</h2> + +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Table of Contents"> + +<tr><td></td><td class="num sm">PAGE</td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Introduction</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_3">3</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_I">CHAPTER I.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Conversation</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_11">11</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_II">CHAPTER II.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Politeness</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_31">31</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_III">CHAPTER III.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Table Etiquette</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_50">50</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_IV">CHAPTER IV.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Etiquette in the Street</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_66">66</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_V">CHAPTER V.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Etiquette for Calling</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_75">75</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">{8}</a></span> +<a href="#CHAPTER_VI">CHAPTER VI.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Etiquette for the Ball room</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_91">91</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_VII">CHAPTER VII.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Dress</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_116">116</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_VIII">CHAPTER VIII.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Manly Exercises</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_154">154</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_IX">CHAPTER IX.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Traveling</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_176">176</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_X">CHAPTER X.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Etiquette in Church</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_183">183</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_XI">CHAPTER XI.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">One Hundred Hints for Gentlemanly Deportment</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_186">186</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_XII">CHAPTER XII.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Parties</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_222">222</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_XIII">CHAPTER XIII.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Courtesy at Home</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_228">228</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_XIV">CHAPTER XIV.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">True Courtesy</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_244">244</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_XV">CHAPTER XV.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Letter Writing</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_252">252</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">{9}</a></span> +<a href="#CHAPTER_XVI">CHAPTER XVI.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Wedding Etiquette</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_280">280</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_XVII">CHAPTER XVII.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Etiquette for Places of Amusement</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_294">294</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="chap" colspan="2"><a href="#CHAPTER_XVIII">CHAPTER XVIII.</a></td></tr> +<tr><td class="smcap">Miscellaneous</td><td class="num"><a href="#Page_298">298</a></td></tr> +</table> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">{10}</a></span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11"><br />{11}</a></span></p> + +<p id="begin">GENTLEMEN’S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE.</p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I" id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I.<br /> +<span class="sub">CONVERSATION.</span></h2> + +<p>One of the first rules for a guide in polite conversation, +is to avoid political or religious discussions in +general society. Such discussions lead almost invariably +to irritating differences of opinion, often to open quarrels, +and a coolness of feeling which might have been +avoided by dropping the distasteful subject as soon as +marked differences of opinion arose. It is but one out +of many that can discuss either political or religious differences, +with candor and judgment, and yet so far +control his language and temper as to avoid either giving +or taking offence.</p> + +<p>In their place, in circles which have met for such discussions, +in a <i>tête à tête</i> conversation, in a small party +of gentlemen where each is ready courteously to listen +to the others, politics may be discussed with perfect propriety, +but in the drawing-room, at the dinner-table, or +in the society of ladies, these topics are best avoided.</p> + +<p>If you are drawn into such a discussion without intending +to be so, be careful that your individual opinion<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">{12}</a></span> +does not lead you into language and actions unbecoming +a gentleman. Listen courteously to those whose opinions +do not agree with yours, and <em>keep your temper</em>. A +man in a passion ceases to be a gentleman.</p> + +<p>Even if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, +yield gracefully, decline further discussion, or dextrously +turn the conversation, but do not obstinately defend +your own opinion until you become angry, or more excited +than is becoming to a gentleman.</p> + +<p>Many there are who, giving their opinion, not as an +<em>opinion</em> but as a <em>law</em>, will defend their position by such +phrases, as: “Well, if <em>I</em> were president, or governor, I +would,” &c.—and while by the warmth of their argument +they prove that they are utterly unable to govern +their own temper, they will endeavor to persuade you +that they are perfectly competent to take charge of the +government of the nation.</p> + +<p>Retain, if you will, a fixed political opinion, yet do +not parade it upon all occasions, and, above all, do not +endeavor to <em>force</em> others to agree with you. Listen +calmly to their ideas upon the same subjects, and if you +cannot agree, differ politely, and while your opponent +may set you down as a bad politician, let him be obliged +to admit that you are a <em>gentleman</em>.</p> + +<p>Wit and vivacity are two highly important ingredients +in the conversation of a man in polite society, yet a +straining for effect, or forced wit, is in excessively bad +taste. There is no one more insupportable in society +than the everlasting talkers who scatter puns, witticisms, +and jokes with so profuse a hand that they become as +tiresome as a comic newspaper, and whose loud laugh at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">{13}</a></span> +their own wit drowns other voices which might speak +matter more interesting. The really witty man does +not shower forth his wit so indiscriminately; his charm +consists in wielding his powerful weapon delicately and +easily, and making each highly polished witticism come +in the right place and moment to be effectual. While +real wit is a most delightful gift, and its use a most +charming accomplishment, it is, like many other bright +weapons, dangerous to use too often. You may wound +where you meant only to amuse, and remarks which you +mean only in for general applications, may be construed +into personal affronts, so, if you have the gift, use it +wisely, and not too freely.</p> + +<p>The most important requisite for a good conversational +power is education, and, by this is meant, not merely the +matter you may store in your memory from observation +or books, though this is of vast importance, but it also +includes the developing of the mental powers, and, above +all, the comprehension. An English writer says, “A +man should be able, in order to enter into conversation, +to catch rapidly the meaning of anything that is advanced; +for instance, though you know nothing of science, +you should not be obliged to stare and be silent, +when a man who does understand it is explaining a new +discovery or a new theory; though you have not read a +word of Blackstone, your comprehensive powers should +be sufficiently acute to enable you to take in the statement +that may be made of a recent cause; though you +may not have read some particular book, you should be +capable of appreciating the criticism which you hear of +it. Without such power—simple enough, and easily attained<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">{14}</a></span> +by attention and practice, yet too seldom met +with in general society—a conversation which departs +from the most ordinary topics cannot be maintained +without the risk of lapsing into a lecture; with such +power, society becomes instructive as well as amusing, +and you have no remorse at an evening’s end at having +wasted three or four hours in profitless banter, or simpering +platitudes. This facility of comprehension often +startles us in some women, whose education we know to +have been poor, and whose reading is limited. If they +did not rapidly receive your ideas, they could not, therefore, +be fit companions for intellectual men, and it is, +perhaps, their consciousness of a deficiency which leads +them to pay the more attention to what you say. It is +this which makes married women so much more agreeable +to men of thought than young ladies, as a rule, can be, +for they are accustomed to the society of a husband, and +the effort to be a companion to his mind has engrafted +the habit of attention and ready reply.”</p> + +<p>The same author says: “No less important is the +cultivation of taste. If it is tiresome and deadening to +be with people who cannot understand, and will not even +appear to be interested in your better thoughts, it is +almost repulsive to find a man insensible to all beauty, +and immovable by any horror.</p> + +<p>“In the present day an acquaintance with art, even +if you have no love for it, is a <i>sine quâ non</i> of good +society. Music and painting are subjects which will be +discussed in every direction around you. It is only in +bad society that people go to the opera, concerts, and +art-exhibitions merely because it is the fashion, or to say<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">{15}</a></span> +they have been there; and if you confessed to such a +weakness in really good society, you would be justly +voted a puppy. For this, too, some book knowledge is +indispensable. You should at least know the names of +the more celebrated artists, composers, architects, sculptors, +and so forth, and should be able to approximate +their several schools.</p> + +<p>“So too, you should know pretty accurately the pronunciation +of celebrated names, or, if not, take care +not to use them. It will never do to be ignorant of the +names and approximate ages of great composers, especially +in large cities, where music is so highly appreciated +and so common a theme. It will be decidedly condemnatory +if you talk of the <em>new</em> opera ‘Don Giovanni,’ +or <em>Rossini’s</em> ‘Trovatore,’ or are ignorant who composed +‘Fidelio,’ and in what opera occur such common pieces +as ‘<i>Ciascun lo dice</i>,’ or ‘<i>Il segreto</i>.’ I do not say that +these trifles are indispensable, and when a man has +better knowledge to offer, especially with genius or +‘cleverness’ to back it, he will not only be pardoned for +an ignorance of them, but can even take a high tone, +and profess indifference or contempt of them. But, at +the same time, such ignorance stamps an ordinary man, +and hinders conversation. On the other hand the best +society will not endure dilettantism, and, whatever the +knowledge a man may possess of any art, he must not +display it so as to make the ignorance of others painful +to them. But this applies to every topic. To have only +one or two subjects to converse on, and to discourse +rather than talk on them, is always ill-bred, whether the +theme be literature or horseflesh. The gentleman jockey<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">{16}</a></span> +will probably denounce the former as a ‘bore,’ and call +us pedants for dwelling on it; but if, as is too often the +case, he can give us nothing more general than the discussion +of the ‘points’ of a horse that, perhaps, we +have never seen, he is as great a pedant in his way.</p> + +<p>“<em>Reason</em> plays a less conspicuous part in good society +because its frequenters are too reasonable to be mere +reasoners. A disputation is always dangerous to temper, +and tedious to those who cannot feel as eager as the disputants; +a discussion, on the other hand, in which +every body has a chance of stating amicably and unobtrusively +his or her opinion, must be of frequent occurrence. +But to cultivate the reason, besides its high +moral value, has the advantage of enabling one to reply +as well as attend to the opinions of others. Nothing is +more tedious or disheartening than a perpetual, ‘Yes, +just so,’ and nothing more. Conversation must never +be one-sided. Then, again, the reason enables us to +support a fancy or an opinion, when we are asked <em>why</em> +we think so. To reply, ‘I don’t know, but still I think +so,’ is silly and tedious.</p> + +<p>“But there is a part of our education so important +and so neglected in our schools and colleges, that it cannot +be too highly impressed on the young man who proposes +to enter society. I mean that which we learn first +of all things, yet often have not learned fully when death +eases us of the necessity—the art of speaking our own +language. What can Greek and Latin, French and +German be for us in our every-day life, if we have not +acquired this? We are often encouraged to raise a +laugh at Doctor Syntax and the tyranny of Grammar,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">{17}</a></span> +but we may be certain that more misunderstandings, +and, therefore, more difficulties arise between men in the +commonest intercourse from a want of grammatical precision +than from any other cause. It was once the +fashion to neglect grammar, as it now is with certain +people to write illegibly, and, in the days of Goethe, a +man thought himself a genius if he could spell badly.</p> + +<p>“Precision and accuracy must begin in the very outset; +and if we neglect them in grammar, we shall +scarcely acquire them in expressing our thoughts. But +since there is no society without interchange of thought, +and since the best society is that in which the best +thoughts are interchanged in the best and most comprehensible +manner, it follows that a proper mode of expressing +ourselves is indispensable in good society.</p> + +<p>“The art of expressing one’s thoughts neatly and +suitably is one which, in the neglect of rhetoric as a +study, we must practice for ourselves. The commonest +thought well put is more useful in a social point of view, +than the most brilliant idea jumbled out. What is well +expressed is easily seized, and therefore readily responded +to; the most poetic fancy may be lost to the hearer, if +the language which conveys it is obscure. Speech is the +gift which distinguishes man from animals, and makes +society possible. He has but a poor appreciation of his +high privilege as a human being, who neglects to cultivate, +‘God’s great gift of speech.’</p> + +<p>“As I am not writing for men of genius, but for +ordinary beings, I am right to state that an indispensable +part of education is a knowledge of the literature +of the English language. But <em>how</em> to read, is, for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">{18}</a></span> +society more important than <em>what</em> we read. The +man who takes up nothing but a newspaper, but reads +it to <em>think</em>, to deduct conclusions from its premises, and +form a judgment on its opinions, is more fitted for society +than he, who having all the current literature and devoting +his whole time to its perusal, swallows it all without +digestion. In fact, the mind must be treated like the +body, and however great its appetite, it will soon fall +into bad health if it gorges, but does not ruminate. At +the same time an acquaintance with the best current +literature is necessary to modern society, and it is not +sufficient to have read a book without being able to pass +a judgment upon it. Conversation on literature is impossible, +when your respondent can only say, ‘Yes. I +like the book, but I really don’t know why.’</p> + +<p>“An acquaintance with old English literature is not +perhaps indispensable, but it gives a man great advantage +in all kinds of society, and in some he is at a constant +loss without it. The same may be said of foreign +literature, which in the present day is almost as much +discussed as our own; but, on the other hand, an acquaintance +with home and foreign politics, with current +history, and subjects of passing interest, is absolutely +necessary; and a person of sufficient intelligence to join +in good society, cannot dispense with his daily newspaper, +his literary journal, and the principal reviews +and magazines. The cheapness of every kind of literature, +the facilities of our well stored circulating libraries, +our public reading rooms, and numerous excellent lectures +on every possible subject, leave no excuse to poor +or rich for an ignorance of any of the topics discussed in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">{19}</a></span> +intellectual society. You may forget your Latin, Greek, +French, German, and Mathematics, but if you frequent +good company, you will never be allowed to forget that +you are a citizen of the world.”</p> + +<p>A man of real intelligence and cultivated mind, is +generally modest. He may feel when in every day +society, that in intellectual acquirements he is above +those around him; but he will not seek to make his companions +feel their inferiority, nor try to display this +advantage over them. He will discuss with frank simplicity +the topics started by others, and endeavor to +avoid starting such as they will not feel inclined to discuss. +All that he says will be marked by politeness +and deference to the feelings and opinions of others.</p> + +<p>La Bruyere says, “The great charm of conversation +consists less in the display of one’s own wit and intelligence, +than in the power to draw forth the resources of +others; he who leaves you after a long conversation, +pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the +discourse, will be your warmest admirer. Men do not +care to admire you, they wish you to be pleased with +them; they do not seek for instruction or even amusement +from your discourse, but they do wish you to be +made acquainted with their talents and powers of conversation; +and the true man of genius will delicately +make all who come in contact with him, feel the exquisite +satisfaction of knowing that they have appeared to +advantage.”</p> + +<p>Having admitted the above to be an incontestable fact, +you will also see that it is as great an accomplishment<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">{20}</a></span> +to listen with an air of interest and attention, as it is to +speak well.</p> + +<p>To be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a +good talker, and it is in the character of listener that +you can most readily detect the man who is accustomed +to good society. Nothing is more embarrassing to any +one who is speaking, than to perceive signs of weariness +or inattention in the person whom he addresses.</p> + +<p>Never interrupt any one who is speaking; it is quite +as rude to officiously supply a name or date about which +another hesitates, unless you are asked to do so. Another +gross breach of etiquette, is to anticipate the point +of a story which another person is reciting, or to take it +from his lips to finish it in your own language. Some +persons plead as an excuse for this breach of etiquette, +that the reciter was spoiling a good story by a bad manner, +but this does not mend the matter. It is surely +rude to give a man to understand that you do not consider +him capable of finishing an anecdote that he has +commenced.</p> + +<p>It is ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a +long speech from another person, and quite as rude to +look at a watch, read a letter, flirt the leaves of a book, +or in any other action show that you are tired of the +speaker or his subject.</p> + +<p>In a general conversation, never speak when another +person is speaking, and never try by raising your own +voice to drown that of another. Never assume an air +of haughtiness, or speak in a dictatorial manner; let +your conversation be always amiable and frank, free +from every affectation.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">{21}</a></span> +Put yourself on the same level as the person to whom +you speak, and under penalty of being considered a +pedantic idiot, refraining from explaining any expression +or word that you may use.</p> + +<p>Never, unless you are requested to do so, speak of +your own business or profession in society; to confine +your conversation entirely to the subject or pursuit which +is your own speciality is low-bred and vulgar.</p> + +<p>Make the subject for conversation suit the company +in which you are placed. Joyous, light conversation +will be at times as much out of place, as a sermon would +be at a dancing party. Let your conversation be grave +or gay as suits the time or place.</p> + +<p>In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw +from them. You will surely make one enemy, +perhaps two, by taking either side, in an argument when +the speakers have lost their temper.</p> + +<p>Never gesticulate in every day conversation, unless +you wish to be mistaken for a fifth rate comedian.</p> + +<p>Never ask any one who is conversing with you to repeat +his words. Nothing is ruder than to say, “Pardon +me, will you repeat that sentence—I did not hear you +at first,” and thus imply that your attention was wandering +when he first spoke.</p> + +<p>Never, during a general conversation, endeavor to +concentrate the attention wholly upon yourself. It is +quite as rude to enter into conversation with one of a +group, and endeavor to draw him out of the circle of +general conversation to talk with you alone.</p> + +<p>Never listen to the conversation of two persons who +have thus withdrawn from a group. If they are so near<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">{22}</a></span> +you that you cannot avoid hearing them, you may, with +perfect propriety, change your seat.</p> + +<p>Make your own share in conversation as modest and +brief as is consistent with the subject under consideration, +and avoid long speeches and tedious stories. If, +however, another, particularly an old man, tells a long +story, or one that is not new to you, listen respectfully +until he has finished, before you speak again.</p> + +<p>Speak of yourself but little. Your friends will find +out your virtues without forcing you to tell them, and +you may feel confident that it is equally unnecessary to +expose your faults yourself.</p> + +<p>If you submit to flattery, you must also submit to the +imputation of folly and self-conceit.</p> + +<p>In speaking of your friends, do not compare them, +one with another. Speak of the merits of each one, but +do not try to heighten the virtues of one by contrasting +them with the vices of another.</p> + +<p>No matter how absurd are the anecdotes that may be +told in your presence, you must never give any sign of +incredulity. They may be true; and even if false, good +breeding forces you to hear them with polite attention, +and the appearance of belief. To show by word or sign +any token of incredulity, is to give the lie to the narrator, +and that is an unpardonable insult.</p> + +<p>Avoid, in conversation all subjects which can injure +the absent. A gentleman will never calumniate or +listen to calumny.</p> + +<p>Need I say that no gentleman will ever soil his mouth +with an oath. Above all, to swear in a drawing-room +or before ladies is not only indelicate and vulgar in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">{23}</a></span> +extreme, but evinces a shocking ignorance of the rules +of polite society and good breeding.</p> + +<p>For a long time the world has adopted a certain form +of speech which is used in good society, and which +changing often, is yet one of the distinctive marks of a +gentleman. A word or even a phrase which has been +used among the most refined circles, will, sometimes, by +a sudden freak of fashion, from being caricatured in a +farce or song, or from some other cause, go entirely out +of use. Nothing but habitual intercourse with people +of refinement and education, and mingling in general +society, will teach a gentleman what words to use and +what to avoid. Yet there are some words which are now +entirely out of place in a parlor.</p> + +<p>Avoid a declamatory style; some men, before speaking, +will wave their hands as if commanding silence, and, +having succeeded in obtaining the attention of the company, +will speak in a tone, and style, perfectly suitable +for the theatre or lecture room, but entirely out of place +in a parlor. Such men entirely defeat the object of +society, for they resent interruption, and, as their talk +flows in a constant stream, no one else can speak without +interrupting the pompous idiot who thus endeavors to +engross the entire attention of the circle around him.</p> + +<p>This character will be met with constantly, and generally +joins to the other disagreeable traits an egotism as +tiresome as it is ill-bred.</p> + +<p>The wittiest man becomes tedious and ill-bred when +he endeavors to engross entirely the attention of the +company in which he should take a more modest part.</p> + +<p>Avoid set phrases, and use quotations but rarely.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">{24}</a></span> +They sometimes make a very piquant addition to conversation, +but when they become a constant habit, they +are exceedingly tedious, and in bad taste.</p> + +<p>Avoid pedantry; it is a mark, not of intelligence, but +stupidity.</p> + +<p>Speak your own language correctly; at the same time +do not be too great a stickler for formal correctness of +phrases.</p> + +<p>Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. +To notice by word or look such errors in those around +you, is excessively ill-bred.</p> + +<p>Vulgar language and slang, though in common, unfortunately +too common use, are unbecoming in any +one who pretends to be a gentleman. Many of the +words heard now in the parlor and drawing-room, derive +their origin from sources which a gentleman would +hesitate to mention before ladies, yet he will make daily +use of the offensive word or phrase.</p> + +<p>If you are a professional or scientific man, avoid the +use of technical terms. They are in bad taste, because +many will not understand them. If, however, you unconsciously +use such a term or phrase, do not then commit +the still greater error of explaining its meaning. +No one will thank you for thus implying their ignorance.</p> + +<p>In conversing with a foreigner who speaks imperfect +English, listen with strict attention, yet do not supply a +word, or phrase, if he hesitates. Above all, do not by a +word or gesture show impatience if he makes pauses or +blunders. If you understand his language, say so when +you first speak to him; this is not making a display of +your own knowledge, but is a kindness, as a foreigner<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">{25}</a></span> +will be pleased to hear and speak his own language when +in a strange country.</p> + +<p>Be careful in society never to play the part of buffoon, +for you will soon become known as the “funny” man of the +party, and no character is so perilous to your dignity as +a gentleman. You lay yourself open to both censure +and ridicule, and you may feel sure that, for every person +who laughs with you, two are laughing at you, and for +one who admires you, two will watch your antics with +secret contempt.</p> + +<p>Avoid boasting. To speak of your money, connections, +or the luxuries at your command is in very bad +taste. It is quite as ill-bred to boast of your intimacy +with distinguished people. If their names occur naturally +in the course of conversation, it is very well; but to +be constantly quoting, “my friend, Gov. C——,” or +“my intimate friend, the president,” is pompous and in +bad taste.</p> + +<p>While refusing the part of jester yourself, do not, by +stiff manners, or cold, contemptuous looks, endeavor to +check the innocent mirth of others. It is in excessively +bad taste to drag in a grave subject of conversation +when pleasant, bantering talk is going on around you. +Join in pleasantly and forget your graver thoughts for +the time, and you will win more popularity than if you +chill the merry circle or turn their innocent gayety to +grave discussions.</p> + +<p>When thrown into the society of literary people, do +not question them about their works. To speak in +terms of admiration of any work to the author is in bad +taste; but you may give pleasure, if, by a quotation from<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">{26}</a></span> +their writings, or a happy reference to them, you prove +that you have read and appreciated them.</p> + +<p>It is extremely rude and pedantic, when engaged in +general conversation, to make quotations in a foreign +language.</p> + +<p>To use phrases which admit of a double meaning, is +ungentlemanly, and, if addressed to a lady, they become +positively insulting.</p> + +<p>If you find you are becoming angry in a conversation, +either turn to another subject or keep silence. You +may utter, in the heat of passion, words which you would +never use in a calmer moment, and which you would bitterly +repent when they were once said.</p> + +<p>“Never talk of ropes to a man whose father was +hanged” is a vulgar but popular proverb. Avoid carefully +subjects which may be construed into personalities, +and keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, +if you can, seeing the skeleton in your friend’s closet, +but if it is paraded for your special benefit, regard it as +a sacred confidence, and never betray your knowledge to +a third party.</p> + +<p>If you have traveled, although you will endeavor to +improve your mind in such travel, do not be constantly +speaking of your journeyings. Nothing is more tiresome +than a man who commences every phrase with, +“When I was in Paris,” or, “In Italy I saw——.”</p> + +<p>When asking questions about persons who are not +known to you, in a drawing-room, avoid using adjectives; +or you may enquire of a mother, “Who is that awkward, +ugly girl?” and be answered, “Sir, that is my daughter.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">{27}</a></span> +Avoid gossip; in a woman it is detestable, but in a man +it is utterly despicable.</p> + +<p>Do not officiously offer assistance or advice in general +society. Nobody will thank you for it.</p> + +<p>Ridicule and practical joking are both marks of a +vulgar mind and low breeding.</p> + +<p>Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible +in conversation, but flattery is broad, coarse, and to +sensible people, disgusting. If you flatter your superiors, +they will distrust you, thinking you have some selfish +end; if you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking +you have no other conversation.</p> + +<p>A lady of sense will feel more complimented if you +converse with her upon instructive, high subjects, than +if you address to her only the language of compliment. +In the latter case she will conclude that you consider +her incapable of discussing higher subjects, and you +cannot expect her to be pleased at being considered +merely a silly, vain person, who must be flattered into +good humor.</p> + +<p>Avoid the evil of giving utterance to inflated expressions +and remarks in common conversation.</p> + +<p>It is a somewhat ungrateful task to tell those who would +shrink from the imputation of a falsehood that they are +in the daily habit of uttering untruths; and yet, if I +proceed, no other course than this can be taken by me. +It is of no use to adopt half measures; plain speaking +saves a deal of trouble.</p> + +<p>The examples about to be given by me of exaggerated +expressions, are only a few of the many that are constantly +in use. Whether you can acquit yourselves of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">{28}</a></span> +the charge of occasionally using them, I cannot tell; +but I dare not affirm for myself that I am altogether +guiltless.</p> + +<p>“I was caught in the wet last night, the rain came +down in torrents.” Most of us have been out in heavy +rains; but a torrent of water pouring down from the +skies would a little surprise us, after all.</p> + +<p>“I am wet to the skin, and have not a dry thread +upon me.” Where these expressions are once used correctly, +they are used twenty times in opposition to the +truth.</p> + +<p>“I tried to overtake him, but in vain; for he ran +like lightning.” The celebrated racehorse Eclipse is +said to have run a mile in a minute, but poor Eclipse is +left sadly behind by this expression.</p> + +<p>“He kept me standing out in the cold so long, I +thought I should have waited for ever.” There is not +a particle of probability that such a thought could have +been for one moment entertained.</p> + +<p>“As I came across the common, the wind was as +keen as a razor.” This is certainly a very keen remark, +but the worst of it is that its keenness far exceeds its +correctness.</p> + +<p>“I went to the meeting, but had hard work to get in; +for the place was crowded to suffocation.” In this case, +in justice to the veracity of the relater, it is necessary to +suppose that successful means had been used for his +recovery.</p> + +<p>“It must have been a fine sight; I would have given +the world to have seen it.” Fond as most of us are of +sight-seeing, this would be buying pleasure at a dear<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">{29}</a></span> +price indeed; but it is an easy thing to proffer to part +with that which we do not possess.</p> + +<p>“It made me quite low spirited; my heart felt as +heavy as lead.” We most of us know what a heavy +heart is; but lead is by no means the most correct metaphor +to use in speaking of a heavy heart.</p> + +<p>“I could hardly find my way, for the night was as +dark as pitch.” I am afraid we have all in our turn +calumniated the sky in this manner; pitch is many +shades darker than the darkest night we have ever +known.</p> + +<p>“I have told him of that fault fifty times over.” Five +times would, in all probability, be much nearer the fact +than fifty.</p> + +<p>“I never closed my eyes all night long.” If this be +true, you acted unwisely; for had you closed your eyes, +you might, perhaps, have fallen asleep, and enjoyed the +blessing of refreshing slumber; if it be not true, you +acted more unwisely still, by stating that as a fact which +is altogether untrue.</p> + +<p>“He is as tall as a church-spire.” I have met with +some tall fellows in my time, though the spire of a +church is somewhat taller than the tallest of them.</p> + +<p>“You may buy a fish at the market as big as a jackass, +for five shillings.” I certainly have my doubts +about this matter; but if it be really true, the market +people must be jackasses indeed to sell such large fishes +for so little money.</p> + +<p>“He was so fat he could hardly come in at the door.” +Most likely the difficulty here alluded to was never felt +by any one but the relater; supposing it to be otherwise,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">{30}</a></span> +the man must have been very broad or the door +very narrow.</p> + +<p>“You don’t say so!—why, it was enough to kill him!” +The fact that it did not kill him is a sufficient reply to +this unfounded observation; but no remark can be too +absurd for an unbridled tongue.</p> + +<p>Thus might I run on for an hour, and after all leave +much unsaid on the subject of exaggerated expressions. +We are hearing continually the comparisons, “black as +soot, white as snow, hot as fire, cold as ice, sharp as a +needle, dull as a door-nail, light as a feather, heavy as +lead, stiff as a poker, and crooked as a crab-tree,” in +cases where such expressions are quite out of order.</p> + +<p>The practice of expressing ourselves in this inflated +and thoughtless way, is more mischievous than we are +aware of. It certainly leads us to sacrifice truth; to +misrepresent what we mean faithfully to describe; to +whiten our own characters, and sometimes to blacken +the reputation of a neighbor. There is an uprightness +in speech as well as in action, that we ought to strive +hard to attain. The purity of truth is sullied, and the +standard of integrity is lowered, by incorrect observations. +Let us reflect upon this matter freely and faithfully. +Let us love truth, follow truth, and practice truth +in our thoughts, our words, and our deeds.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">{31}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II" id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II.<br /> +<span class="sub">POLITENESS.</span></h2> + +<p>Real politeness is the outward expression of the most +generous impulses of the heart. It enforces unselfishness, +benevolence, kindness, and the golden rule, “Do +unto others as you would others should do unto you.” +Thus its first principle is love for the neighbor, loving +him as yourself.</p> + +<p>When in society it would often be exceedingly difficult +to decide how to treat those who are personally disagreeable +to us, if it were not for the rules of politeness, +and the little formalities and points of etiquette which +these rules enforce. These evidences of polite breeding +do not prove hypocrisy, as you may treat your most bitter +enemy with perfect courtesy, and yet make no protestations +of friendship.</p> + +<p>If politeness is but a mask, as many philosophers tell +us, it is a mask which will win love and admiration, and +is better worn than cast aside. If you wear it with the +sincere desire to give pleasure to others, and make all +the little meetings of life pass off smoothly and agreeably, +it will soon cease to be a mask, but you will find +that the manner which you at first put on to give pleasure, +has become natural to you, and wherever you have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">{32}</a></span> +assumed a virtue to please others, you will find the virtue +becoming habitual and finally natural, and part of +yourself.</p> + +<p>Do not look upon the rules of etiquette as deceptions. +They are just as often vehicles for the expression of +sincere feeling, as they are the mask to conceal a want +of it.</p> + +<p>You will in society meet with men who rail against +politeness, and call it deceit and hypocrisy. Watch +these men when they have an object to gain, or are desirous +of making a favorable impression, and see them +tacitly, but unconsciously, admit the power of courtesy, +by dropping for the time, their uncouth ways, to affect +the politeness, they oftentimes do not feel.</p> + +<p>Pass over the defects of others, be prudent, discreet, +at the proper time reserved, yet at other times frank, +and treat others with the same gentle courtesy you +would wish extended to yourself.</p> + +<p>True politeness never embarrasses any one, because +its first object is to put all at their ease, while it leaves +to all perfect freedom of action. You must meet rudeness +from others by perfect politeness and polish of +manner on your own part, and you will thus shame +those who have been uncivil to you. You will more +readily make them blush by your courtesy, than if you +met their rudeness by ill manners on your own part.</p> + +<p>While a favor may be doubled in value, by a frankly +courteous manner of granting it, a refusal will lose half +its bitterness if your manner shows polite regret at your +inability to oblige him who asks the favor at your hand.</p> + +<p>Politeness may be extended to the lowest and meanest,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">{33}</a></span> +and you will never by thus extending it detract +from your own dignity. A <em>gentleman</em> may and will +treat his washerwoman with respect and courtesy, and +his boot-black with pleasant affability, yet preserve perfectly +his own position. To really merit the name of a +polite, finished gentleman, you must be polite at all times +and under all circumstances.</p> + +<p>There is a difference between politeness and etiquette. +Real politeness is in-born, and may exist in the savage, +while etiquette is the outward expression of politeness +reduced to the rules current in good society.</p> + +<p>A man may be polite, really so in heart, yet show in +every movement an ignorance of the rules of etiquette, +and offend against the laws of society. You may find +him with his elbows upon the table, or tilting his chair +in a parlor. You may see him commit every hour gross +breaches of etiquette, yet you will never hear him intentionally +utter one word to wound another, you will see +that he habitually endeavors to make others comfortable, +choosing for them the easiest seats, or the daintiest +dishes, and putting self entirely aside to contribute to +the pleasure of all around him. Such a man will learn, +by contact with refined society, that his ignorance of the +rules which govern it, make him, at times, disagreeable, +and from the same unselfish motive which prompts him +to make a sacrifice of comfort for the sake of others, he +will watch and learn quickly, almost by instinct, where he +offends against good breeding, drop one by one his errors +in etiquette, and become truly a gentleman.</p> + +<p>On the other hand, you will meet constantly, in the +best society, men whose polish of manner is exquisite,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">{34}</a></span> +who will perform to the minutest point the niceties of +good breeding, who never commit the least act that is +forbidden by the strictest rules of etiquette; yet under +all this mask of chivalry, gallantry, and politeness will +carry a cold, selfish heart; will, with a sweet smile, +graceful bow, and elegant language, wound deeply the +feelings of others, and while passing in society for models +of courtesy and elegance of manner, be in feeling as +cruel and barbarous as the veriest savage.</p> + +<p>So I would say to you, Cultivate your heart. Cherish +there the Christian graces, love for the neighbor, unselfishness, +charity, and gentleness, and you will be truly +a gentleman; add to these the graceful forms of etiquette, +and you then become a <em>perfect</em> gentleman.</p> + +<p>Etiquette exists in every corner of the known world, +from the savages in the wilds of Africa, who dare not, +upon penalty of death, approach their barbarous rulers +without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most refined +circles of Europe, where gentle chivalry and a cultivated +mind suggest its rules. It has existed in all ages, and +the stringency of its laws in some countries has given +rise to both ludicrous and tragic incidents.</p> + +<p>In countries where royalty rules the etiquette, it often +happens that pride will blind those who make the rules, +and the results are often fatal. Believing that the same +deference which their rank authorized them to demand, +was also due to them as individuals, the result of such +an idea was an etiquette as vain and useless as it was +absurd.</p> + +<p>For an example I will give an anecdote:</p> + +<p>“The kings of Spain, the proudest and vainest of all<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">{35}</a></span> +kings of the earth, made a rule of etiquette as stupid as +it was useless. It was a fault punishable by death to +touch the foot of the queen, and the individual who thus +offended, no matter under what circumstances, was executed +immediately.</p> + +<p>“A young queen of Spain, wife of Charles the Second, +was riding on horseback in the midst of her attendants. +Suddenly the horse reared and threw the queen from the +saddle. Her foot remained in the stirrup, and she was +dragged along the ground. An immense crowd stood +looking at this spectacle, but no one dared, for his life, +to attempt to rescue the poor woman. She would have +died, had not two young French officers, ignorant of the +stupid law which paralyzed the Spaniards, sprung forward +and saved her. One stopped the horse, and whilst +he held the bridle, his companion disengaged from its +painful position the foot of the young queen, who was, +by this time, insensible from fear and the bruises which +she had already received. They were instantly arrested, +and while the queen was carried on a litter to the palace, +her young champions were marched off, accompanied by +a strong guard, to prison. The next day, sick and feeble, +the queen was obliged to leave her bed, and on her +knees before the king, plead for the pardon of the two +Frenchmen; and her prayer was only granted upon condition +that the audacious foreigners left Spain immediately.”</p> + +<p>There is no country in the world where the absurdities +of etiquette are carried to so great a length as in Spain, +because there is no nation where the nobility are so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">{36}</a></span> +proud. The following anecdote, which illustrates this, +would seem incredible were it not a historical fact:</p> + +<p>“Philip the Third, king of Spain, was sick, and being +able to sit up, was carefully placed in an arm chair which +stood opposite to a large fire, when the wood was piled +up to an enormous height. The heat soon became intolerable, +and the courtiers retired from around the king; +but, as the Duke D’Ussede, the fire stirrer for the king, +was not present, and as no one else had the right to +touch the fire, those present dared not attempt to diminish +the heat. The grand chamberlain was also absent, and +he alone was authorized to touch the king’s footstool. +The poor king, too ill to rise, in vain implored those +around him to move his chair, no one dared touch it, and +when the grand chamberlain arrived, the king had fainted +with the heat, and a few days later he died, literally +roasted to death.”</p> + +<p>At almost all times, and in almost all places, good +breeding may be shown; and we think a good service +will be done by pointing out a few plain and simple instances +in which it stands opposed to habits and manners, +which, though improper and disagreeable, are not very +uncommon.</p> + +<p>In the familiar intercourse of society, a well-bred <em>man</em> +will be known by the delicacy and deference with which +he behaves towards females. That man would deservedly +be looked upon as very deficient in proper respect and +feeling, who should take any physical advantage of one +of the weaker sex, or offer any personal slight towards +her. Woman looks, and properly looks, for protection +to man. It is the province of the husband to shield the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">{37}</a></span> +wife from injury; of the father to protect the daughter; +the brother has the same duty to perform towards the +sister; and, in general, every man should, in this sense, +be the champion and the lover of every woman. Not +only should he be ready to protect, but desirous to please, +and willing to sacrifice much of his own personal ease +and comfort, if, by doing so, he can increase those of +any female in whose company he may find himself. Putting +these principles into practice, a well-bred man, in +his own house, will be kind and respectful in his behaviour +to every female of the family. He will not use +towards them harsh language, even if called upon to express +dissatisfaction with their conduct. In conversation, +he will abstain from every allusion which would put +modesty to the blush. He will, as much as in his power, +lighten their labors by cheerful and voluntary assistance. +He will yield to them every little advantage which may +occur in the regular routine of domestic life:—the most +comfortable seat, if there be a difference; the warmest +position by the winter’s fireside; the nicest slice from the +family joint, and so on.</p> + +<p>In a public assembly of any kind, a well-bred man +will pay regard to the feelings and wishes of the females +by whom he is surrounded. He will not secure the best +seat for himself, and leave the women folk to take care +of themselves. He will not be seated at all, if the meeting +be crowded, and a single female appear unaccommodated.</p> + +<p>Good breeding will keep a person from making loud +and startling noises, from pushing past another in entering +or going out of a room; from ostentatiously using a pocket-handkerchief;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">{38}</a></span> +from hawking and spitting in company; +from fidgeting any part of the body; from scratching +the head, or picking the teeth with fork or with finger. +In short, it will direct all who study its rules to abstain +from every personal act which may give pain or offence +to another’s feelings. At the same time, it will enable +them to bear much without taking offence. It will teach +them when to speak and when to be silent, and how to +behave with due respect to all. By attention to the +rules of good breeding, and more especially to its leading +principles, “the poorest man will be entitled to the character +of a gentleman, and by inattention to them, the +most wealthy person will be essentially vulgar. Vulgarity +signifies coarseness or indelicacy of manner, and +is not necessarily associated with poverty or lowliness of +condition. Thus an operative artizan may be a gentleman, +and worthy of our particular esteem; while an +opulent merchant may be only a vulgar clown, with +whom it is impossible to be on terms of friendly intercourse.”</p> + +<p>The following remarks upon the “Character of a Gentleman” +by Brooke are so admirable that I need make +no apology for quoting them entire. He says; “There +is no term, in our language, more common than that of +‘Gentleman;’ and, whenever it is heard, all agree in +the general idea of a man some way elevated above the +vulgar. Yet, perhaps, no two living are precisely agreed +respecting the qualities they think requisite for constituting +this character. When we hear the epithets of a +‘fine Gentleman,’ ‘a pretty Gentleman,’ ‘much of a +Gentleman,’ ‘Gentlemanlike,’ ‘something of a Gentleman,’<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">{39}</a></span> +‘nothing of a Gentleman,’ and so forth; all these +different appellations must intend a peculiarity annexed +to the ideas of those who express them; though no two +of them, as I said, may agree in the constituent qualities +of the character they have formed in their own mind. +There have been ladies who deemed fashionable dress a +very capital ingredient in the composition of—a Gentleman. +A certain easy impudence acquired by low people, +by casually being conversant in high life, has passed +a man current through many companies for—a Gentleman. +In taverns and brothels, he who is the most of a +bully is the most of—a Gentleman. And the highwayman, +in his manner of taking your purse, may however +be allowed to have—much of the Gentleman. Plato, +among the philosophers, was ‘the most of a man of +fashion;’ and therefore allowed, at the court of Syracuse, +to be—the most of a Gentleman. But seriously, I apprehend +that this character is pretty much upon the +modern. In all ancient or dead languages we have no +term, any way adequate, whereby we may express it. +In the habits, manners, and characters of old Sparta +and old Rome, we find an antipathy to all the elements +of modern gentility. Among these rude and unpolished +people, you read of philosophers, of orators, of patriots, +heroes, and demigods; but you never hear of any character +so elegant as that of—a pretty Gentleman.</p> + +<p>“When those nations, however, became refined into +what their ancestors would have called corruption; when +luxury introduced, and fashion gave a sanction to certain +sciences, which Cynics would have branded with the +ill mannered appellations of drunkenness, gambling,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">{40}</a></span> +cheating, lying, &c.; the practitioners assumed the new +title of Gentlemen, till such Gentlemen became as plenteous +as stars in the milky-way, and lost distinction +merely by the confluence of their lustre. Wherefore as +the said qualities were found to be of ready acquisition, +and of easy descent to the populace from their betters, +ambition judged it necessary to add further marks and +criterions for severing the general herd from the nobler +species—of Gentlemen.</p> + +<p>“Accordingly, if the commonalty were observed to +have a propensity to religion, their superiors affected a +disdain of such vulgar prejudices; and a freedom that +cast off the restraints of morality, and a courage that +spurned at the fear of a God, were accounted the distinguishing +characteristics—of a Gentleman.</p> + +<p>“If the populace, as in China, were industrious and +ingenious, the grandees, by the length of their nails and +the cramping of their limbs, gave evidence that true dignity +was above labor and utility, and that to be born to +no end was the prerogative—of a Gentleman.</p> + +<p>“If the common sort, by their conduct, declared a +respect for the institutions of civil society and good government; +their betters despised such pusillanimous conformity, +and the magistrates paid becoming regard to +the distinction, and allowed of the superior liberties and +privileges—of a Gentleman.</p> + +<p>“If the lower set show a sense of common honesty +and common order; those who would figure in the world, +think it incumbent to demonstrate that complaisance to +inferiors, common manners, common equity, or any thing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">{41}</a></span> +common, is quite beneath the attention or sphere—of a +Gentleman.</p> + +<p>“Now, as underlings are ever ambitious of imitating +and usurping the manners of their superiors; and as this +state of mortality is incident to perpetual change and +revolution, it may happen, that when the populace, by +encroaching on the province of gentility, have arrived to +their <i>ne plus ultra</i> of insolence, irreligion, &c.; the gentry, +in order to be again distinguished, may assume the +station that their inferiors had forsaken, and, however +ridiculous the supposition may appear at present, humanity, +equity, utility, complaisance, and piety, may in +time come to be the distinguishing characteristics—of a +Gentleman.</p> + +<p>“It appears that the most general idea which people +have formed of a Gentleman, is that of a person of fortune +above the vulgar, and embellished by manners that +are fashionable in high life. In this case, fortune and +fashion are the two constituent ingredients in the composition +of modern Gentlemen; for whatever the fashion +may be, whether moral or immoral, for or against reason, +right or wrong, it is equally the duty of a Gentleman to +conform. And yet I apprehend, that true gentility is +altogether independent of fortune or fashion, of time, +customs, or opinions of any kind. The very same qualities +that constituted a gentleman, in the first age of the +world, are permanently, invariably, and indispensably +necessary to the constitution of the same character to +the end of time.</p> + +<p>“Hector was the finest gentleman of whom we read in +history, and Don Quixote the finest gentleman we read<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">{42}</a></span> +of in romance; as was instanced from the tenor of their +principles and actions.</p> + +<p>“Some time after the battle of Cressy, Edward the +Third of England, and Edward the Black Prince, the +more than heir of his father’s renown, pressed John King +of France to indulge them with the pleasure of his company +at London. John was desirous of embracing the +invitation, and accordingly laid the proposal before his +parliament at Paris. The parliament objected, that the +invitation had been made with an insidious design of +seizing his person, thereby to make the cheaper and +easier acquisition of the crown, to which Edward at that +time pretended. But John replied, with some warmth, +that he was confident his brother Edward, and more +especially his young cousin, were too much of the <em class="ucsmcap">GENTLEMAN</em>, +to treat him in that manner. He did not say +too much of the king, of the hero, or of the saint, but +too much of the <em class="ucsmcap">GENTLEMAN</em> to be guilty of any baseness.</p> + +<p>“The sequel verified this opinion. At the battle of +Poictiers King John was made prisoner, and soon after +conducted by the Black Prince to England. The prince +entered London in triumph, amid the throng and acclamations +of millions of the people. But then this rather +appeared to be the triumph of the French king than +that of his conqueror. John was seated on a proud +steed, royally robed, and attended by a numerous and +gorgeous train of the British nobility; while his conqueror +endeavored, as much as possible, to disappear, +and rode by his side in plain attire, and degradingly +seated on a little Irish hobby.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">{43}</a></span> +“As Aristotle and the Critics derived their rules for +epic poetry and the sublime from a poem which Homer +had written long before the rules were formed, or laws +established for the purpose: thus, from the demeanor +and innate principles of particular gentlemen, art has +borrowed and instituted the many modes of behaviour, +which the world has adopted, under the title of good +manners.</p> + +<p>“One quality of a gentleman is that of charity to the +poor; and this is delicately instanced in the account +which Don Quixote gives, to his fast friend Sancho Pancha, +of the valorous but yet more pious knight-errant +Saint Martin. On a day, said the Don, Saint Martin +met a poor man half naked, and taking his cloak from +his shoulders, he divided, and gave him the one half. +Now, tell me at what time of the year this happened. +Was I a witness? quoth, Sancho; how the vengeance +should I know in what year or what time of the year it +happened? Hadst thou Sancho, rejoined the knight, +anything within thee of the sentiment of Saint Martin, +thou must assuredly have known that this happened in +winter; for, had it been summer, Saint Martin would +had given the whole cloak.</p> + +<p>“Another characteristic of the true gentleman, is a +delicacy of behaviour toward that sex whom nature has +entitled to the protection, and consequently entitled to +the tenderness, of man.</p> + +<p>“The same gentleman-errant, entering into a wood +on a summer’s evening, found himself entangled among +nets of green thread that, here and there, hung from +tree to tree; and conceiving it some matter of purposed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">{44}</a></span> +conjuration, pushed valorously forward to break through +the enchantment. Hereupon some beautiful shepherdesses +interposed with a cry, and besought him to spare +the implements of their innocent recreation. The knight, +surprised and charmed by the vision, replied,—Fair +creatures! my province is to protect, not to injure; to +seek all means of service, but never of offence, more especially +to any of your sex and apparent excellences. +Your pretty nets take up but a small piece of favored +ground; but, did they inclose the world, I would seek +out new worlds, whereby I might win a passage, rather +than break them.</p> + +<p>“Two very lovely but shamefaced girls had a cause, +of some consequence, depending at Westminster, that +indispensably required their personal appearance. They +were relations of Sir Joseph Jeckel, and, on this tremendous +occasion, requested his company and countenance +at the court. Sir Joseph attended accordingly; +and the cause being opened, the judge demanded whether +he was to entitle those ladies by the denomination of +spinsters. ‘No, my Lord,’ said Sir Joseph; ‘they are lilies +of the valley, they toil not, neither do they spin, yet +you see that no monarch, in all his glory, was ever arrayed +like one of these.’</p> + +<p>“Another very peculiar characteristic of a gentleman +is, the giving place and yielding to all with whom he has +to do. Of this we have a shining and affecting instance +in Abraham, perhaps the most accomplished character +that may be found in history, whether sacred or profane. +A contention had arisen between the herdsmen of Abraham +and the herdsmen of his nephew, Lot, respecting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">{45}</a></span> +the propriety of the pasture of the lands wherein they +dwelled, that could now scarce contain the abundance of +their cattle. And those servants, as is universally the +case, had respectively endeavored to kindle and inflame +their masters with their own passions. When Abraham, +in consequence of this, perceived that the countenance +of Lot began to change toward him, he called, and generously +expostulated with him as followeth: ‘Let there +be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, or between +my herdsmen and thy herdsmen; for we be +brethren. If it be thy desire to separate thyself from +me, is not the whole land before thee? If thou wilt +take the left hand, then will I go to the right; or if +thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.’</p> + +<p>“Another capital quality of the true gentleman is, +that of feeling himself concerned and interested in +others. Never was there so benevolent, so affecting, so +pathetic a piece of oratory exhibited upon earth, as that +of Abraham’s pleading with God for averting the judgments +that then impended over Sodom. But the matter +is already so generally celebrated, that I am constrained +to refer my reader to the passage at full; since the +smallest abridgment must deduct from its beauties, and +that nothing can be added to the excellences thereof.</p> + +<p>“Honor, again, is said, in Scripture, peculiarly to +distinguish the character of a gentleman; where it is +written of Sechem, the son of Hamor, ‘that he was +more honorable than all the house of his father.’</p> + +<p>“From hence it may be inferred, that human excellence, +or human amiableness, doth not so much consist +in a freedom from frailty as in our recovery from lapses,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">{46}</a></span> +our detestation of our own transgressions, and our desire +of atoning, by all possible means, the injuries we +have done, and the offences we have given. Herein, +therefore, may consist the very singular distinction which +the great apostle makes between his estimation of a just +and of a good man. ‘For a just or righteous man,’ says +he, ‘one would grudge to die; but for a good man one +would even dare to die.’ Here the just man is supposed +to adhere strictly to the rule of right or equity, and to +exact from others the same measure that he is satisfied +to mete; but the good man, though occasionally he may +fall short of justice, has, properly speaking, no measure +to his benevolence, his general propensity is to give more +than the due. The just man condemns, and is desirous +of punishing the transgressors of the line prescribed to +himself; but the good man, in the sense of his own falls +and failings, gives latitude, indulgence, and pardon to +others; he judges, he condemns no one save himself. +The just man is a stream that deviates not to the right +or left from its appointed channel, neither is swelled by +the flood of passion above its banks; but the heart of +the good man, the man of honor, the gentleman, is as a +lamp lighted by the breath of <em class="smcap">God</em>, and none save <em class="smcap">God</em> +himself can set limits to the efflux or irradiations thereof.</p> + +<p>“Again, the gentleman never envies any superior excellence, +but grows himself more excellent, by being the +admirer, promoter, and lover thereof. Saul said to his +son Jonathan, ‘Thou son of the perverse, rebellious +woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of +Jesse to thine own confusion? For as long as the son +of Jesse liveth upon the ground, thou shalt not be established,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">{47}</a></span> +nor thy kingdom; wherefore send and fetch +him unto me, for he shall surely die.’ Here every interesting +motive that can possibly be conceived to have +an influence on man, united to urge Jonathan to the destruction +of David; he would thereby have obeyed his +king, and pacified a father who was enraged against him. +He would thereby have removed the only luminary that +then eclipsed the brightness of his own achievements. +And he saw, as his father said, that the death of David +alone could establish the kingdom in himself and his +posterity. But all those considerations were of no avail +to make Jonathan swerve from honor, to slacken the +bands of his faith, or cool the warmth of his friendship. +O Jonathan! the sacrifice which thou then madest to +virtue, was incomparably more illustrious in the sight of +God and his angels than all the subsequent glories to +which David attained. What a crown was thine, ‘Jonathan, +when thou wast slain in thy high places!’</p> + +<p>“Saul of Tarsus had been a man of bigotry, blood, +and violence; making havoc, and breathing out threatenings +and slaughter, against all who were not of his +own sect and persuasion. But, when the spirit of that +<em class="smcap">Infant</em>, who laid himself in the manger of human flesh, +came upon him, he acquired a new heart and a new nature; +and he offered himself a willing subject to all the +sufferings and persecutions which he had brought upon +others.</p> + +<p>“Saul from that time, exemplified in his own person, +all those qualities of the gentleman, which he afterwards +specifies in his celebrated description of that +charity, which, as he says, alone endureth forever.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">{48}</a></span> +When Festus cried with a loud voice, ‘Paul, thou art +beside thyself, much learning doth make thee mad;’ +Paul stretched the hand, and answered, ‘I am not mad, +most noble Festus, but speak forth the words of truth +and soberness. For the king knoweth of these things, +before whom also I speak freely; for I am persuaded +that none of these things are hidden from him. King +Agrippa, believest thou the prophets? I know that thou +believest.’ Then Agrippa said unto Paul, ‘Almost thou +persuadest me to be a Christian.’ And Paul said, ‘I +would to God that not only thou, but also all that hear +me this day, were not only almost but altogether such as +I am,—except these bonds.’ Here, with what an inimitable +elegance did this man, in his own person, at once +sum up the orator, the saint, and the gentleman!</p> + +<p>“From these instances, my friend, you must have +seen that the character, or rather quality of a <em class="ucsmcap">GENTLEMAN</em>, +does not, in any degree, depend on fashion or +mode, on station or opinion; neither changes with customs, +climate, or ages. But, as the Spirit of God can +alone inspire it into man, so it is, as God is the same, +yesterday, to-day, and forever.”</p> + +<p>In concluding this chapter I would say:</p> + +<p>“In the common actions and transactions of life, +there is a wide distinction between the well-bred and the +ill-bred. If a person of the latter sort be in a superior +condition in life, his conduct towards those below him, +or dependent upon him, is marked by haughtiness, or by +unmannerly condescension. In the company of his +equals in station and circumstances, an ill-bred man is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">{49}</a></span> +either captious and quarrelsome, or offensively familiar. +He does not consider that:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">‘The man who hails you Tom or Jack,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And proves, by thumps upon your back,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">How he esteems your merit,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is such a friend, that one had need<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Be very much a friend indeed,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">To pardon or to bear it.’<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>“And if a man void of good breeding have to transact +business with a superior in wealth or situation, it is more +than likely that he will be needlessly humble, unintentionally +insolent, or, at any rate, miserably embarrassed. +On the contrary, a well-bred person will instinctively +avoid all these errors. ‘To inferiors, he will speak +kindly and considerately, so as to relieve them from any +feeling of being beneath him in circumstances. To +equals, he will be plain, unaffected, and courteous. To +superiors, he will know how to show becoming respect, +without descending to subserviency or meanness. In +short, he will act a manly, inoffensive, and agreeable +part, in all the situations in life in which he may be +placed.’”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">{50}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III" id="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III.<br /> +<span class="sub">TABLE ETIQUETTE.</span></h2> + +<p>It may seem a very simple thing to eat your meals, +yet there is no occasion upon which the gentleman, and +the low-bred, vulgar man are more strongly contrasted, +than when at the table. The rules I shall give for table +etiquette when in company will apply equally well for +the home circle, with the exception of some few points, +readily discernible, which may be omitted at your own +table.</p> + +<p>A well-bred man, receiving an invitation to dine with +a friend should reply to it immediately, whether he accepts +or declines it.</p> + +<p>He should be punctual to the hour named in the invitation, +five or ten minutes earlier if convenient, but not +one instant later. He must never, unless he has previously +asked permission to do so, take with him any friend not +named in his invitation. His host and hostess have the +privilege of inviting whom they will, and it is an impertinence +to force them to extend their hospitality, as they +must do if you introduce a friend at their own house.</p> + +<p>Speak, on entering the parlor of your friend, first to +the hostess, then to the host.</p> + +<p>When dinner is announced, the host or hostess will<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">{51}</a></span> +give the signal for leaving the drawing-room, and you +will probably be requested to escort one of the ladies to +the table. Offer to her your left arm, and at the table +wait until she is seated, indeed wait until every lady is +seated, before taking your own place.</p> + +<p>In leaving the parlor you will pass out first, and the +lady will follow you, still holding your arm. At the +door of the dining-room, the lady will drop your arm. +Pass in, then wait on one side of the entrance till she +passes you, to her place at the table.</p> + +<p>If there are no ladies, you may go to the table with +any gentleman who stands near you, or with whom you +may be conversing when dinner is announced. If your +companion is older than yourself, extend to him the +same courtesy which you would use towards a lady.</p> + +<p>There are a thousand little points to be observed in +your conduct at table which, while they are not absolutely +necessary, are yet distinctive marks of a well-bred +man.</p> + +<p>If, when at home, you practice habitually the courtesies +of the table, they will sit upon you easily when +abroad; but if you neglect them at home, you will use +them awkwardly when in company, and you will find +yourself recognized as a man who has “company manners,” +only when abroad.</p> + +<p>I have seen men who eat soup, or chewed their food, +in so noisy a manner as to be heard from one end of the +table to the other; fill their mouths so full of food, as to +threaten suffocation or choking; use their own knife for +the butter, and salt; put their fingers in the sugar bowl; +and commit other faults quite as monstrous, yet seem<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">{52}</a></span> +perfectly unconscious that they were doing anything to +attract attention.</p> + +<p>Try to sit easily and gracefully, but at the same time +avoid crowding those beside you.</p> + +<p>Far from eating with avidity of whatever delicacies +which may be upon the table, and which are often served +in small quantities, partake of them but sparingly, and +decline them when offered the second time.</p> + +<p>Many men at their own table have little peculiar notions, +which a guest does well to respect. Some will +feel hurt, even offended, if you decline a dish which they +recommend; while others expect you to eat enormously, +as if they feared you did not appreciate their hospitality +unless you tasted of every dish upon the table. Try to +pay respect to such whims at the table of others, but +avoid having any such notions when presiding over your +own board.</p> + +<p>Observe a strict sobriety; never drink of more than +one kind of wine, and partake of that sparingly.</p> + +<p>The style of serving dinner is different at different +houses; if there are many servants they will bring you +your plate filled, and you must keep it. If you have +the care of a lady, see that she has what she desires, +before you give your own order to the waiter; but if +there are but few domestics, and the dishes are upon the +table, you may with perfect propriety help those near +you, from any dish within your reach.</p> + +<p>If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, +especially if you have chosen the food upon it, for others +have also a choice, and by passing it, you may give your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">{53}</a></span> +neighbor dishes distasteful to him, and take yourself +those which he would much prefer.</p> + +<p>If in the leaves of your salad, or in a plate of fruit +you find a worm or insect, pass your plate to the waiter, +without any comment, and he will bring you another.</p> + +<p>Be careful to avoid the extremes of gluttony or over +daintiness at table. To eat enormously is disgusting; +but if you eat too sparingly, your host may think that +you despise his fare.</p> + +<p>Watch that the lady whom you escorted to the table +is well helped. Lift and change her plate for her, pass +her bread, salt, and butter, give her orders to the waiter, +and pay her every attention in your power.</p> + +<p>Before taking your place at table, wait until your +place is pointed out to you, unless there are cards bearing +the names of the guests upon the plates; in the latter +case, take the place thus marked for you.</p> + +<p>Put your napkin upon your lap, covering your knees. +It is out of date, and now looked upon as a vulgar habit +to put your napkin up over your breast.</p> + +<p>Sit neither too near nor too far from the table. Never +hitch up your coat-sleeves or wristbands as if you were +going to wash your hands. Some men do this habitually, +but it is a sign of very bad breeding.</p> + +<p>Never tip your chair, or lounge back in it during +dinner.</p> + +<p>All gesticulations are out of place, and in bad taste at +the table. Avoid making them.</p> + +<p>Converse in a low tone to your neighbor, yet not with +any air of secresy if others are engaged in <i>tête-à-tête</i> +conversation; if, however, the conversation is general,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">{54}</a></span> +avoid conversing <i>tête-à-tête</i>. Do not raise your voice +too much; if you cannot make those at some distance +from you hear you when speaking in a moderate tone, +confine your remarks to those near you.</p> + +<p>If you wish for a knife, plate, or anything from the +side table, never address those in attendance as “Waiter!” +as you would at a hotel or <i>restaurant</i>, but call one of +them by name; if you cannot do this, make him a sign +without speaking.</p> + +<p>Unless you are requested to do so, never select any +particular part of a dish; but, if your host asks you +what part you prefer, name some part, as in this case the +incivility would consist in making your host choose as +well as carve for you.</p> + +<p>Never blow your soup if it is too hot, but wait until +it cools. Never raise your plate to your lips, but eat +with your spoon.</p> + +<p>Never touch either your knife or your fork until after +you have finished eating your soup. Leave your spoon +in your soup plate, that the servant may remove them +both. Never take soup twice.</p> + +<p>In changing your plate, or passing it during dinner, +remove your knife and fork, that the plate <em>alone</em> may be +taken, but after you have finished your dinner, cross the +knife and fork on the plate, that the servant may take +all away, before bringing you clean ones for dessert.</p> + +<p>Do not bite your bread from the roll or slice, nor cut +it with your knife; break off small pieces and put these +in your mouth with your fingers.</p> + +<p>At dinner do not put butter on your bread. Never +dip a piece of bread into the gravy or preserves upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">{55}</a></span> +your plate and then bite it, but if you wish to eat them +together, break the bread into small pieces, and carry +these to your mouth with your fork.</p> + +<p>Use always the salt-spoon, sugar-tongs, and butter +knife; to use your own knife, spoon, or fingers, evinces +a shocking want of good-breeding.</p> + +<p>Never criticize any dish before you.</p> + +<p>If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no +remarks about it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain +at a table how one article makes you sick, or why +some other dish has become distasteful to you. I have +seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, +because one of the company told a most disgusting +anecdote about finding vermin served in a similar dish. +No wit in the narration can excuse so palpably an error +of politeness.</p> + +<p>Never put bones, or the seeds of fruit upon the tablecloth. +Put them upon the edge of your plate.</p> + +<p>Never use your knife for any purpose but to <em>cut</em> your +food. It is not meant to be put in your mouth. Your +fork is intended to carry the food from your plate to +your mouth, and no gentleman ever eats with his knife.</p> + +<p>If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too +well-done, do not eat it; give for an excuse that you +prefer some other dish before you; but never tell your +host that his cook has made the dish uneatable.</p> + +<p>Never speak when you have anything in your mouth. +Never pile the food on your plate as if you were starving, +but take a little at a time; the dishes will not run +away.</p> + +<p>Never use your own knife and fork to help either<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">{56}</a></span> +yourself or others. There is always one before the dish +at every well-served table, and you should use that.</p> + +<p>It is a good plan to accustom yourself to using your +fork with the left hand, when eating, as you thus avoid +the awkwardness of constantly passing the fork from your +left hand to your right, and back again, when cutting +your food and eating it.</p> + +<p>Never put fruit or bon-bons in your pocket to carry +them from the table.</p> + +<p>Do not cut fruit with a steel knife. Use a silver +one.</p> + +<p>Never eat so fast as to hurry the others at the table, +nor so slowly as to keep them waiting.</p> + +<p>If you do not take wine, never keep the bottle standing +before you, but pass it on. If you do take it, pass +it on as soon as you have filled your glass.</p> + +<p>If you wish to remove a fish bone or fruit seed from +your mouth, cover your lips with your hand or napkin, +that others may not see you remove it.</p> + +<p>If you wish to use your handkerchief, and have not +time to leave the table, turn your head away, and as +quickly as possible put the handkerchief in your pocket +again.</p> + +<p>Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing +is more ill-bred than to grease your glass with your +lips.</p> + +<p>If you are invited to drink with a friend, and do not +drink wine, bow, raise your glass of water and drink +with him.</p> + +<p>Do not propose to take wine with your host; it is his +privilege to invite you.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">{57}</a></span> +Do not put your glass upside down on the table to +signify that you do not wish to drink any more; it is +sufficient to refuse firmly. Do not be persuaded to touch +another drop of wine after your own prudence warns +you that you have taken enough.</p> + +<p>Avoid any air of mystery when speaking to those +next you; it is ill-bred and in excessively bad taste.</p> + +<p>If you wish to speak of any one, or to any one at the +table, call them by name, but never point or make a +signal when at table.</p> + +<p>When taking coffee, never pour it into your saucer, +but let it cool in the cup, and drink from that.</p> + +<p>If at a gentleman’s party, never ask any one to sing +or tell a story; your host alone has the right thus to call +upon his guests.</p> + +<p>If invited yourself to sing, and you feel sufficiently +sure that you will give pleasure, comply immediately with +the request.</p> + +<p>If, however, you refuse, remain firm in your refusal, +as to yield after once refusing is a breach of etiquette.</p> + +<p>When the finger-glasses are passed, dip your fingers +into them and then wipe them upon your napkin.</p> + +<p>Never leave the table till the mistress of the house +gives the signal.</p> + +<p>On leaving the table put your napkin on the table, +but do not fold it.</p> + +<p>Offer your arm to the lady whom you escorted to the +table.</p> + +<p>It is excessively rude to leave the house as soon as +dinner is over. Respect to your hostess obliges you to +stay in the drawing-room at least an hour.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">{58}</a></span> +If the ladies withdraw, leaving the gentlemen, after +dinner, rise when they leave the table, and remain +standing until they have left the room.</p> + +<p>I give, from a recent English work, some humorously +written directions for table etiquette, and, although they +are some of them repetitions of what I have already +given, they will be found to contain many useful hints:</p> + +<p>“We now come to habits at table, which are very important. +However agreeable a man may be in society, +if he offends or disgusts by his table traits, he will soon +be scouted from it, and justly so. There are some broad +rules for behavior at table. Whenever there is a servant +to help you, never help yourself. Never put a knife +into your mouth, not even with cheese, which should be +eaten with a fork. Never use a spoon for anything but +liquids. Never touch anything edible with your fingers.</p> + +<p>“Forks were, undoubtedly, a later invention than +fingers, but, as we are not cannibals, I am inclined to +think they were a good one. There are some few things +which you may take up with your fingers. Thus an +epicure will eat even macaroni with his fingers; and as +sucking asparagus is more pleasant than chewing it, you +may, as an epicure, take it up <i>au naturel</i>. But both +these things are generally eaten with a fork. Bread is, +of course, eaten with the fingers, and it would be absurd +to carve it with your knife and fork. It must, on the +contrary, always be broken when not buttered, and you +should never put a slice of dry bread to your mouth to +bite a piece off. Most fresh fruit, too, is eaten with the +natural prongs, but when you have peeled an orange or +apple, you should cut it with the aid of the fork, unless<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">{59}</a></span> +you can succeed in breaking it. Apropos of which, I +may hint that no epicure ever yet put a knife to an +apple, and that an orange should be peeled with a spoon. +But the art of peeling an orange so as to hold its own +juice, and its own sugar too, is one that can scarcely be +taught in a book.</p> + +<p>“However, let us go to dinner, and I will soon tell +you whether you are a well-bred man or not; and here +let me premise that what is good manners for a small +dinner is good manners for a large one, and <i>vice versâ</i>. +Now, the first thing you do is to sit down. Stop, sir! +pray do not cram yourself into the table in that way; +no, nor sit a yard from it, like that. How graceless, inconvenient, +and in the way of conversation! Why, +dear me! you are positively putting your elbows on the +table, and now you have got your hands fumbling about +with the spoons and forks, and now you are nearly +knocking my new hock glasses over. Can’t you take +your hands down, sir? Didn’t you learn that in the +nursery? Didn’t your mamma say to you, ‘Never put +your hands above the table except to carve or eat?’ +Oh! but come, no nonsense, sit up, if you please. I +can’t have your fine head of hair forming a side dish on +my table; you must not bury your face in the plate, you +came to show it, and it ought to be alive. Well, but +there is no occasion to throw your head back like that, +you look like an alderman, sir, <em>after</em> dinner. Pray, +don’t lounge in that sleepy way. You are here to eat, +drink, and be merry. You can sleep when you get +home.</p> + +<p>“Well, then, I suppose you can see your napkin.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">{60}</a></span> +Got none, indeed! Very likely, in <em>my</em> house. You +may be sure that I never sit down to a meal without +napkins. I don’t want to make my tablecloths unfit for +use, and I don’t want to make my trousers unwearable. +Well, now, we are all seated, you can unfold it on your +knees; no, no; don’t tuck it into your waistcoat like an +alderman; and what! what on earth do you mean by +wiping your forehead with it? Do you take it for a +towel? Well, never mind, I am consoled that you did +not go farther, and use it as a pocket-handkerchief. So +talk away to the lady on your right, and wait till soup is +handed to you. By the way, that waiting is the most +important part of table manners, and, as much as possible, +you should avoid asking for anything or helping +yourself from the table. Your soup you eat with a +spoon—I don’t know what else you <em>could</em> eat it with—but +then it must be one of good size. Yes, that will do, +but I beg you will not make that odious noise in drinking +your soup. It is louder than a dog lapping water, and +a cat would be quite genteel to it. Then you need not +scrape up the plate in that way, nor even tilt it to get +the last drop. I shall be happy to send you some more; +but I must just remark, that it is not the custom to take +two helpings of soup, and it is liable to keep other people +waiting, which, once for all, is a selfish and intolerable +habit. But don’t you hear the servant offering you +sherry? I wish you would attend, for my servants have +quite enough to do, and can’t wait all the evening while +you finish that very mild story to Miss Goggles. Come, +leave that decanter alone. I had the wine put on the +table to fill up; the servants will hand it directly, or, as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">{61}</a></span> +we are a small party, I will tell you to help yourself; +but, pray, do not be so officious. (There, I have sent +him some turbot to keep him quiet. I declare he cannot +make up his mind.) You are keeping my servant again, +sir. Will you, or will you not, do turbot? Don’t examine +it in that way; it is quite fresh, I assure you; +take or decline it. Ah, you take it, but that is no +reason why you should take up a knife too. Fish, I repeat +must never be touched with a knife. Take a fork +in the right and a small piece of bread in the left hand. +Good, but—? Oh! that is atrocious; of course you +must not swallow the bones, but you should rather do so +than spit them out in that way. Put up your napkin +like this, and land the said bone on your plate. Don’t +rub your head in the sauce, my good man, nor go progging +about after the shrimps or oysters therein. Oh! +how horrid! I declare your mouth was wide open and +full of fish. Small pieces, I beseech you; and once for +all, whatever you eat, keep your mouth <em>shut</em>, and never +attempt to talk with it full.</p> + +<p>“So now you have got a pâté. Surely you are not +taking two on your plate. There is plenty of dinner to +come, and one is quite enough. Oh! dear me, you are +incorrigible. What! a knife to cut that light, brittle +pastry? No, nor fingers, never. Nor a spoon—almost +as bad. Take your fork, sir, your fork; and, now you +have eaten, oblige me by wiping your mouth and moustache +with your napkin, for there is a bit of the pastry +hanging to the latter, and looking very disagreeable. +Well, you can refuse a dish if you like. There is no +positive necessity for you to take venison if you don’t<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">{62}</a></span> +want it. But, at any rate, do not be in that terrific +hurry. You are not going off by the next train. Wait +for the sauce and wait for vegetables; but whether you +eat them or not, do not begin before everybody else. +Surely you must take my table for that of a railway refreshment-room, +for you have finished before the person +I helped first. Fast eating is bad for the digestion, my +good sir, and not very good manners either. What! are +you trying to eat meat with a fork alone? Oh! it is +sweetbread, I beg your pardon, you are quite right. +Let me give you a rule,—Everything that can be cut +without a knife, should be cut with a fork alone. Eat +your vegetables, therefore, with a fork. No, there is no +necessity to take a spoon for peas; a fork in the right +hand will do. What! did I really see you put your +knife into your mouth? Then I must give you up. +Once for all, and ever, the knife is to cut, not to help +with. Pray, do not munch in that noisy manner; chew +your food well, but softly. <em>Eat slowly.</em> Have you not +heard that Napoleon lost the battle of Leipsic by eating +too fast? It is a fact though. His haste caused indigestion, +which made him incapable of attending to the +details of the battle. You see you are the last person +eating at table. Sir, I will not allow you to speak to +my servants in that way. If they are so remiss as to +oblige you to ask for anything, do it gently, and in a +low tone, and thank a servant just as much as you would +his master. Ten to one he is as good a man; and because +he is your inferior in position, is the very reason +you should treat him courteously. Oh! it is of no use +to ask me to take wine; far from pacifying me, it will<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">{63}</a></span> +only make me more angry, for I tell you the custom is +quite gone out, except in a few country villages, and at +a mess-table. Nor need you ask the lady to do so. +However, there is this consolation, if you should ask any +one to take wine with you, he or she <em>cannot</em> refuse, so +you have your own way. Perhaps next you will be asking +me to hob and nob, or <i>trinquer</i> in the French fashion +with arms encircled. Ah! you don’t know, perhaps, +that when a lady <i>trinques</i> in that way with you, you have +a right to finish off with a kiss. Very likely, indeed! +But it is the custom in familiar circles in France, but +then we are not Frenchmen. <em>Will</em> you attend to your +lady, sir? You did not come merely to eat, but to make +yourself agreeable. Don’t sit as glum as the Memnon at +Thebes; talk and be pleasant. Now, you have some +pudding. No knife—no, <em>no</em>. A spoon if you like, but +better still, a fork. Yes, ice requires a spoon; there is +a small one handed you, take that.</p> + +<p>“Say ‘no.’ This is the fourth time wine has been +handed to you, and I am sure you have had enough. +Decline this time if you please. Decline that dish too. +Are you going to eat of everything that is handed? I +pity you if you do. No, you must not ask for more +cheese, and you must eat it with your fork. Break the +rusk with your fingers. Good. You are drinking a +glass of old port. Do not quaff it down at a gulp in +that way. Never drink a whole glassful of anything at +once.</p> + +<p>“Well, here is the wine and dessert. Take whichever +wine you like, but remember you must keep to that, and +not change about. Before you go up stairs I will allow<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">{64}</a></span> +you a glass of sherry after your claret, but otherwise +drink of one wine only. You don’t mean to say you are +helping yourself to wine before the ladies. At least, +offer it to the one next to you, and then pass it on, +gently, not with a push like that. Do not drink so fast; +you will hurry me in passing the decanters, if I see that +your glass is empty. You need not eat dessert till the +ladies are gone, but offer them whatever is nearest to +you. And now they are gone, draw your chair near +mine, and I will try and talk more pleasantly to you. +You will come out admirably at your next dinner with +all my teaching. What! you are excited, you are talking +loud to the colonel. Nonsense. Come and talk +easily to me or to your nearest neighbor. There, don’t +drink any more wine, for I see you are getting romantic. +You oblige me to make a move. You have had enough +of those walnuts; you are keeping me, my dear sir. So +now to coffee [one cup] and tea, which I beg you will +not pour into your saucer to cool. Well, the dinner has +done you good, and me too. Let us be amiable to the +ladies, but not too much so.”</p> + +<p>“<em>Champ, champ; Smack, smack; Smack, smack; +Champ, champ;</em>—It is one thing to know how to make a +pudding, and another to know how to eat it when made. +Unmerciful and monstrous are the noises with which some +persons accompany the eating—no, the devouring of the +food for which, we trust, they are thankful. To sit +down with a company of such masticators is like joining +‘a herd of swine feeding.’ Soberly, at no time, probably, +are the rules of good breeding less regarded than +at ‘feeding time,’ and at no place is a departure from<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">{65}</a></span> +these rules more noticeable than at table. Some persons +gnaw at a crust as dogs gnaw a bone, rattle knives and +spoons against their teeth as though anxious to prove +which is the harder, and scrape their plates with an energy +and perseverance which would be very commendable +if bestowed upon any object worth the trouble. Others, +in defiance of the old nursery rhyme—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">‘I must not dip, howe’er I wish,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">My spoon or finger in the dish;’<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>are perpetually helping themselves in this very straightforward +and unsophisticated manner. Another, with a +mouth full of food contrives to make his teeth and tongue +perform the double duty of chewing and talking at the +same time. Another, quite in military style, in the intervals +of cramming, makes his knife and fork keep +guard over the jealously watched plate, being held upright +on either side in the clenched fist, like the musket +of a raw recruit. And another, as often as leisure serves, +fidgets his plate from left to right, and from right to left, +or round and round, until the painful operation of feeding +is over.</p> + +<p>“There is, we know, such a thing as being ‘too nice’—‘more +nice than wise.’ It is quite possible to be fastidious. +But there are also such inconsiderable matters +as decency and good order; and it surely is better to +err on the right than on the wrong side of good breeding.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">{66}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV" id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV.<br /> +<span class="sub">ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET.</span></h2> + +<p>A gentleman will be always polite, in the parlor, +dining-room, and in the street. This last clause will +especially include courtesy towards ladies, no matter +what may be their age or position. A man who will +annoy or insult a woman in the street, lowers himself to +a brute, no matter whether he offends by look, word, or +gesture. There are several little forms of etiquette, +given below, the observance of which will mark the gentleman +in the street.</p> + +<p>When walking with a lady, or with a gentleman who +is older than yourself, give them the upper side of the +pavement, that is, the side nearest the house.</p> + +<p>When walking alone, and you see any one coming towards +you on the same side of the street, give the upper +part of the pavement, as you turn aside, to a man who +may carry a heavy bundle, to a priest or clergyman, to +a woman, or to any elderly person.</p> + +<p>In a crowd never rudely push aside those who impede +your progress, but wait patiently until the way is clear. +If you are hurried by business of importance or an engagement, +you will find that a few courteous words will<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">{67}</a></span> +open the way before you more quickly than the most +violent pushing and loud talking.</p> + +<p>If obliged to cross a plank, or narrow path, let any +lady or old person who may also be passing, precede +you. In case the way is slippery or in any way unsafe, +you may, with perfect propriety, offer to assist either a +lady or elderly person in crossing it.</p> + +<p>Do not smoke in the street until after dark, and then +remove your cigar from your mouth, if you meet a lady.</p> + +<p>Be careful about your dress. You can never know +whom you may meet, so it is best to never leave the +house otherwise than well-dressed. Bright colors, and +much jewelry are both unbecoming to a gentleman in +the street.</p> + +<p>Avoid touching any one with your elbows in passing, +and do not swing your arms as you walk.</p> + +<p>Be careful when walking with or near a lady, not to +put your foot upon her dress.</p> + +<p>In carrying an umbrella, hold it so that you can see +the way clear before you; avoid striking your umbrella +against those which pass you; if you are walking with a +lady, let the umbrella cover her perfectly, but hold it so +that you will not touch her bonnet. If you have the +care of two ladies, let them carry the umbrella between +them, and walk outside yourself. Nothing can be more +absurd than for a gentleman to walk between two ladies, +holding the umbrella himself; while, in this way, he is +perfectly protected, the ladies receive upon their dresses +and cloaks the little streams of water which run from +the points of the umbrella.</p> + +<p>In case of a sudden fall of rain, you may, with perfect<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">{68}</a></span> +propriety, offer your umbrella to a lady who is unprovided +with one. If she accepts it, and asks your +address to return it, leave it with her; if she hesitates, +and does not wish to deprive you of the use of it, you +may offer to accompany her to her destination, and then, +do not open a conversation; let your manner be respectful, +and when you leave her, let her thank you, assure +her of the pleasure it has given you to be of service, +bow, and leave her.</p> + +<p>In meeting a lady friend, wait for her to bow to you, +and in returning her salutation, remove your hat. To +a gentleman you may bow, merely touching your hat, +if he is alone or with another gentleman; but if he has +a lady with him, raise your hat in bowing to him. If +you stop to speak to a lady, hold your hat in your hand, +until she leaves you, unless she requests you to replace it. +With a gentleman you may replace it immediately.</p> + +<p>Never join a lady whom you may meet, without first +asking her permission to do so.</p> + +<p>If you stop to converse with any one in the street, +stand near the houses, that you may not interfere with +others who are passing.</p> + +<p>You may bow to a lady who is seated at a window, if +you are in the street; but you must not bow from a +window to a lady in the street.</p> + +<p>Do not stop to join a crowd who are collected round +a street show, or street merchant, unless you wish to +pass for a countryman taking a holiday in the city.</p> + +<p>If you stop any one to enquire your own way, or if +you are called upon to direct another, remove your hat +while asking or answering the question.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">{69}</a></span> +If you see a lady leaving a carriage unattended, +or hesitating at a bad crossing, you may, with propriety, +offer your hand or arm to assist her, and +having seen her safely upon the pavement, bow, and pass +on.</p> + +<p>In a car or omnibus, when a lady wishes to get out, +stop the car for her, pass up her fare, and in an omnibus +alight and assist her in getting out, bowing as you leave +her.</p> + +<p>Be gentle, courteous, and kind to children. There +is no surer token of a low, vulgar mind, than unkindness +to little ones whom you may meet in the streets.</p> + +<p>A true gentleman never stops to consider what may be +the position of any woman whom it is in his power to aid +in the street. He will assist an Irish washerwoman with +her large basket or bundle over a crossing, or carry over +the little charges of a distressed negro nurse, with the +same gentle courtesy which he would extend toward the +lady who was stepping from her private carriage. The +true spirit of chivalry makes the courtesy due to the sex, +not to the position of the individual.</p> + +<p>When you are escorting a lady in the street, politeness +does not absolutely require you to carry her bundle +or parasol, but if you are gallant you will do so. You +must regulate your walk by hers, and not force her to +keep up with your ordinary pace.</p> + +<p>Watch that you do not lead her into any bad places, +and assist her carefully over each crossing, or wet place +on the pavement.</p> + +<p>If you are walking in the country, and pass any<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">{70}</a></span> +streamlet, offer your hand to assist your companion in +crossing.</p> + +<p>If you pass over a fence, and she refuses your assistance +in crossing it, walk forward, and do not look back, +until she joins you again. The best way to assist a lady +over a fence, is to stand yourself upon the upper rail, +and while using one hand to keep a steady position, +stoop, offer her the other, and with a firm, steady grasp, +hold her hand until she stands beside you; then let her +go down on the other side first, and follow her when she +is safe upon the ground.</p> + +<p>In starting for a walk with a lady, unless she is a +stranger in the place towards whom you act as guide, +let her select your destination.</p> + +<p>Where there are several ladies, and you are required +to escort one of them, select the elderly, or those whose +personal appearance will probably make them least likely +to be sought by others. You will probably be repaid by +finding them very intelligent, and with a fund of conversation. +If there are more ladies than gentlemen, you +may offer an arm to two, with some jest about the difficulty +of choosing, or the double honor you enjoy.</p> + +<p>Offer your seat in any public conveyance, to a lady +who is standing. It is often quite as great a kindness +and mark of courtesy to take a child in your lap.</p> + +<p>When with a lady you must pay her expenses as well +as your own; if she offers to share the expense, decline +unless she insists upon it, in the latter case yield gracefully. +Many ladies, who have no brother or father, and +are dependent upon their gentlemen friends for escort, +make it a rule to be under no pecuniary obligations to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">{71}</a></span> +them, and you will, in such a case, offend more by insisting +upon your right to take that expense, than by +quietly pocketing your dignity and their cash together.</p> + +<p>I know many gentlemen will cry out at my assertion; +but I have observed this matter, and know many <em>ladies</em> +who will sincerely agree with me in my opinion.</p> + +<p>In a carriage always give the back seat to the lady +or ladies accompanying you. If you have but one lady +with you, take the seat opposite to her, unless she invites +you to sit beside her, in which case accept her offer.</p> + +<p>Never put your arm across the seat, or around her, +as many do in riding. It is an impertinence, and if she +is a lady of refinement, she will resent it as such.</p> + +<p>If you offer a seat in your carriage to a lady, or another +gentleman whom you may meet at a party or picnic, +take them home, before you drive to your own destination, +no matter how much you may have to drive out of +your own way.</p> + +<p>Be the last to enter the carriage, the first to leave it. +If you have ladies with you, offer them your hand to +assist them in entering and alighting, and you should +take the arm of an old gentleman to assist him.</p> + +<p>If offered a seat in the carriage of a gentleman friend, +stand aside for him to get in first, but if he waits for +you, bow and take your seat before he does.</p> + +<p>When driving a lady in a two-seated vehicle, you +should assist her to enter the carriage, see that her dress +is not in danger of touching the wheels, and that her +shawl, parasol, and fan, are where she can reach them, +before you take your own seat. If she wishes to stop, +and you remain with the horses, you should alight before<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">{72}</a></span> +she does, assist her in alighting, and again alight to +help her to her seat when she returns, even if you keep +your place on the seat whilst she is gone.</p> + +<p>When attending a lady in a horse-back ride, never +mount your horse until she is ready to start. Give her +your hand to assist her in mounting, arrange the folds +of her habit, hand her her reins and her whip, and then +take your own seat on your saddle.</p> + +<p>Let her pace be yours. Start when she does, and let +her decide how fast or slowly she will ride. Never let +the head of your horse pass the shoulders of hers, and be +watchful and ready to render her any assistance she may +require.</p> + +<p>Never, by rapid riding, force her to ride faster than +she may desire.</p> + +<p>Never touch her bridle, reins, or whip, except she particularly +requests your assistance, or an accident, or +threatened danger, makes it necessary.</p> + +<p>If there is dust or wind, ride so as to protect her from +it as far as possible.</p> + +<p>If the road is muddy be careful that you do not ride +so as to bespatter her habit. It is best to ride on the +side away from that upon which her habit falls. Some +ladies change their side in riding, from time to time, and +you must watch and see upon which side the skirt falls, +that, on a muddy day, you may avoid favoring the habit +with the mud your horse’s hoofs throw up.</p> + +<p>If you ride with a gentleman older than yourself, or +one who claims your respect, let him mount before you +do. Extend the same courtesy towards any gentleman<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">{73}</a></span> +whom you have invited to accompany you, as he is, for +the ride, your guest.</p> + +<p>The honorable place is on the right. Give this to a +lady, an elderly man, or your guest.</p> + +<p>A modern writer says:—“If walking with a female +relative or friend, a well-bred man will take the outer +side of the pavement, not only because the wall-side is +the most honorable side of a public walk, but also because +it is generally the farthest point from danger in the +street. If walking alone, he will be ready to offer assistance +to any female whom he may see exposed to real +peril from any source. Courtesy and manly courage +will both incite him to this line of conduct. In general, +this is a point of honor which almost all men are proud +to achieve. It has frequently happened that even where +the savage passions of men have been excited, and when +mobs have been in actual conflict, women have been gallantly +escorted through the sanguinary crowd unharmed, +and their presence has even been a protection to their +protectors. This is as it should be; and such incidents +have shown in a striking manner, not only the excellency +of good breeding, but have also brought it out when and +where it was least to be expected.</p> + +<p>“In streets and all public walks, a well-bred person +will be easily distinguished from another who sets at defiance +the rules of good breeding. He will not, whatever +be his station, hinder and annoy his fellow pedestrians, +by loitering or standing still in the middle of the +footway. He will, if walking in company, abstain from +making impertinent remarks on those he meets; he will +even be careful not to appear indelicately to notice them.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">{74}</a></span> +He will not take ‘the crown of the causeway’ to himself, +but readily fall in with the convenient custom which necessity +has provided, and walk on the right side of the +path, leaving the left side free for those who are walking +in the opposite direction. Any departure from these +plain rules of good breeding is downright rudeness and +insult; or, at all events, it betrays great ignorance or +disregard for propriety. And yet, how often are they +departed from! It is, by no means, uncommon, especially +in country places, for groups of working men to +obstruct the pathway upon which they take a fancy to +lounge, without any definite object, as far as appears, +but that of making rude remarks upon passers-by. But +it is not only the laboring classes of society who offend +against good breeding in this way; too many others offend +in the same, and by stopping to talk in the middle +of the pavement put all who pass to great inconvenience.”</p> + +<p>In meeting a lady do not offer to shake hands with +her, but accept her hand when <em>she</em> offers it for you to +take.</p> + +<p>“In France, where politeness is found in every class, +the people do not run against each other in the streets, +nor brush rudely by each other, as they sometimes do in +our cities. It adds much to the pleasure of walking, to +be free from such annoyance; and this can only be +brought about by the well-taught few setting a good example +to the many. By having your wits about you, +you can win your way through a thronged street without +touching even the extreme circumference of a balloon +sleeve; and, if each one strove to avoid all contact, it +would be easily accomplished.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">{75}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V" id="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V.<br /> +<span class="sub">ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING.</span></h2> + +<p>A gentleman in society must calculate to give a certain +portion of his time to making calls upon his friends, +both ladies and gentlemen. He may extend his visiting +list to as large a number as his inclination and time will +permit him to attend to, but he cannot contract it after +passing certain limits. His position as a man in society +obliges him to call,</p> + +<p>Upon any stranger visiting his city, who brings a letter +of introduction to him;</p> + +<p>Upon any friend from another city, to whose hospitality +he has been at any time indebted;</p> + +<p>Upon any gentleman after receiving from his hands a +favor or courtesy;</p> + +<p>Upon his host at any dinner or supper party, (such +calls should be made very soon after the entertainment +given);</p> + +<p>Upon any friend whose joy or grief calls for an +expression of sympathy, whether it be congratulation or +condolence;</p> + +<p>Upon any friend who has lately returned from a voyage +or long journey;</p> + +<p>Upon any lady who has accepted his services as an<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">{76}</a></span> +escort, either for a journey or the return from a ball or +evening party; this call must be made the day after he +has thus escorted the lady;</p> + +<p>Upon his hostess after any party to which he has +been invited, whether he has accepted or declined such +invitation;</p> + +<p>Upon any lady who has accepted his escort for an +evening, a walk or a drive;</p> + +<p>Upon any friend whom long or severe illness keeps +confined to the house;</p> + +<p>Upon his lady friends on New Year’s day, (if it is the +custom of the city in which he resides;)</p> + +<p>Upon any of his friends when they receive bridal +calls;</p> + +<p>Upon lady friends in any city you are visiting; if +gentlemen friends reside in the same city, you may +either call upon them or send your card with your address +and the length of time you intend staying, written +upon it; if a stranger or friend visiting your city sends +such a card, you must call at the earliest opportunity;</p> + +<p>Upon any one of whom you wish to ask a favor; to +make him, under such circumstances call upon you, is +extremely rude;</p> + +<p>Upon any one who has asked a favor of you; you +will add very much to the pleasure you confer, in granting +a favor, by calling to express the gratification it +affords you to be able to oblige your friend; you will +soften the pain of a refusal, if, by calling, and expressing +your regret, you show that you feel interested in the +request, and consider it of importance.</p> + +<p>Upon intimate friends, relatives, and ladies, you may<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">{77}</a></span> +call without waiting for any of the occasions given +above.</p> + +<p>Do not fall into the vulgar error of declaiming against +the practice of making calls, declaring it a “bore,” tiresome, +or stupid. The custom is a good one.</p> + +<p>An English writer says:—</p> + +<p>“The visit or call is a much better institution than is +generally supposed. It has its drawbacks. It wastes +much time; it necessitates much small talk. It obliges +one to dress on the chance of finding a friend at home; +but for all this it is almost the only means of making an +acquaintance ripen into friendship. In the visit, all the +strain, which general society somehow necessitates, is +thrown off. A man receives you in his rooms cordially, +and makes you welcome, not to a stiff dinner, but an +easy chair and conversation. A lady, who in the ball +room or party has been compelled to limit her conversation, +can here speak more freely. The talk can +descend from generalities to personal inquiries, and need +I say, that if you wish to know a young lady truly, you +must see her at home, and by day light.</p> + +<p>“The main points to be observed about visits, are the +proper occasions and the proper hours. Now, between +actual friends there is little need of etiquette in these +respects. A friendly visit may be made at any time, on +any occasion. True, you are more welcome when the +business of the day is over, in the afternoon rather than +in the morning, and you must, even as a friend, avoid +calling at meal times. But, on the other hand, many +people receive visits in the evening, and certainly this is +the best time to make them.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">{78}</a></span> +Any first call which you receive must be returned +promptly. If you do not wish to continue the acquaintance +any farther, you need not return a second call, +but politeness imperatively demands a return of the first +one.</p> + +<p>A call may be made upon ladies in the morning or +afternoon; but in this country, where almost every man +has some business to occupy his day, the evening is the +best time for paying calls. You will gain ground in +easy intercourse and friendly acquaintance more rapidly +in one evening, than in several morning calls.</p> + +<p>Never make a call upon a lady before eleven o’clock +in the morning, or after nine in the evening.</p> + +<p>Avoid meal times. If you inadvertently call at dinner +or tea time, and your host is thus forced to invite +you to the table, it is best to decline the civility. If, +however, you see that you will give pleasure by staying, +accept the invitation, but be careful to avoid calling +again at the same hour.</p> + +<p>No man in the United States, excepting His Excellency, +the President, can expect to receive calls unless +he returns them.</p> + +<p>“Visiting,” says a French writer, “forms the cord +which binds society together, and it is so firmly tied, +that were the knot severed, society would perish.”</p> + +<p>A ceremonious call should never extend over more +than fifteen minutes, and it should not be less than ten +minutes.</p> + +<p>If you see the master of the house take letters or a +paper from his pocket, look at the clock, have an absent +air, beat time with his fingers or hands, or in any other<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">{79}</a></span> +way show weariness or <i>ennui</i>, you may safely conclude +that it is time for you to leave, though you may not +have been five minutes in the house. If you are host to +the most wearisome visitor in existence, if he stays hours, +and converses only on subjects which do not interest +you, in the least; unless he is keeping you from an +important engagement, you must not show the least +sign of weariness. Listen to him politely, endeavor +to entertain him, and preserve a smiling composure, +though you may long to show him the door. In +case he is keeping you from business of importance, or +an imperative engagement, you may, without any infringement +upon the laws of politeness, inform him of +the fact, and beg him to excuse you; you must, however, +express polite regret at your enforced want of hospitality, +and invite him to call again.</p> + +<p>It is quite an art to make a graceful exit after a call. +To know how to choose the moment when you will be +regretted, and to retire leaving your friends anxious for +a repetition of the call, is an accomplishment worth acquiring.</p> + +<p>When you begin to tire of your visit, you may generally +feel sure that your entertainers are tired of you, and +if you do not want to remain printed upon their memory +as “the man who makes such long, tiresome calls,” you +will retire.</p> + +<p>If other callers come in before you leave a friend’s +parlor, do not rise immediately as if you wished to avoid +them, but remain seated a few moments, and then leave, +that your hostess may not have too many visitors to +entertain at one time.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">{80}</a></span> +If you have been enjoying a <i>tête-à-tête</i> interview with +a lady, and other callers come in, do not hurry away, +as if detected in a crime, but after a few courteous, graceful +words, and the interchange of some pleasant remarks, +leave her to entertain her other friends.</p> + +<p>To endeavor when making a call to “sit out” others +in the room, is very rude.</p> + +<p>When your host or hostess urges you to stay longer, +after you have risen to go, be sure that that is the best +time for departure. You will do better to go then, +when you will be regretted, than to wait until you have +worn your welcome out.</p> + +<p>When making a visit of condolence, take your tone +from your host or hostess. If they speak of their misfortune, +or, in case of death, of the departed relative, +join them. Speak of the talents or virtues of the deceased, +and your sympathy with their loss. If, on the +other hand, they avoid the subject, then it is best for +you to avoid it too. They may feel their inability to +sustain a conversation upon the subject of their recent +affliction, and it would then be cruel to force it upon +them. If you see that they are making an effort, perhaps +a painful one, to appear cheerful, try to make them +forget for the time their sorrows, and chat on cheerful +subjects. At the same time, avoid jesting, merriment, +or undue levity, as it will be out of place, and appear +heartless.</p> + +<p>A visit of congratulation, should, on the contrary, be +cheerful, gay, and joyous. Here, painful subjects would +be out of place. Do not mar the happiness of your friend +by the description of the misery of your own position or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">{81}</a></span> +that of a third person, but endeavor to show by joyous +sympathy that the pleasure of your friend is also your +happiness. To laugh with those who laugh, weep with +those who are afflicted, is not hypocrisy, but kindly, +friendly sympathy.</p> + +<p>Always, when making a friendly call, send up your +card, by the servant who opens the door.</p> + +<p>There are many times when a card may be left, even +if the family upon which you call is at home. Visits of +condolence, unless amongst relatives or very intimate +friends, are best made by leaving a card with enquiries +for the health of the family, and offers of service.</p> + +<p>If you see upon entering a friend’s parlor, that your +call is keeping him from going out, or, if you find a lady +friend dressed for a party or promenade, make your +visit very brief. In the latter case, if the lady seems +unattended, and urges your stay, you may offer your services +as an escort.</p> + +<p>Never visit a literary man, an artist, any man whose +profession allows him to remain at home, at the hours +when he is engaged in the pursuit of his profession. +The fact that you know he is at home is nothing; he +will not care to receive visits during the time allotted to +his daily work.</p> + +<p>Never take another gentleman to call upon one of +your lady friends without first obtaining her permission +to do so.</p> + +<p>The calls made after receiving an invitation to dinner, +a party, ball, or other entertainment should be made +within a fortnight after the civility has been accepted.</p> + +<p>When you have saluted the host and hostess, do not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">{82}</a></span> +take a seat until they invite you to do so, or by a motion, +and themselves sitting down, show that they expect you +to do the same.</p> + +<p>Keep your hat in your hand when making a call. +This will show your host that you do not intend to remain +to dine or sup with him. You may leave an umbrella +or cane in the hall if you wish, but your hat and +gloves you must carry into the parlor. In making an +evening call for the first time keep your hat and gloves +in your hand, until the host or hostess requests you to +lay them aside and spend the evening.</p> + +<p>When going to spend the evening with a friend whom +you visit often, leave your hat, gloves, and great coat in +the hall.</p> + +<p>If, on entering a parlor of a lady friend, in the evening, +you see by her dress, or any other token, that she +was expecting to go to the opera, concert, or an evening +party, make a call of a few minutes only, and then retire. +I have known men who accepted instantly the invitation +given them to remain under these circumstances, +and deprive their friends of an anticipated pleasure, +when their call could have been made at any other time. +To thus impose upon the courtesy of your friends is excessively +rude. Nothing will pardon such an acceptance +but the impossibility of repeating your call, owing to a +short stay in town, or any other cause. Even in this +case it is better to accompany your friends upon their +expedition in search of pleasure. You can, of course, +easily obtain admittance if they are going to a public +entertainment, and if they invite you to join their party +to a friend’s house, you may without impropriety do so,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">{83}</a></span> +as a lady is privileged to introduce you to her friends under +such circumstances. It requires tact and discretion to +know when to accept and when to decline such an invitation. +Be careful that you do not intrude upon a party +already complete in themselves, or that you do not interfere +with the plans of the gentlemen who have already +been accepted as escorts.</p> + +<p>Never make a <em>third</em> upon such occasions. Neither +one of a couple who propose spending the evening abroad +together, will thank the intruder who spoils their tête-à-tête.</p> + +<p>When you find, on entering a room, that your visit is +for any reason inopportune, do not instantly retire unless +you have entered unperceived and can so leave, in which +case leave immediately; if, however, you have been seen, +your instant retreat is cut off. Then endeavor by your +own graceful ease to cover any embarrassment your entrance +may have caused, make but a short call, and, if +you can, leave your friends under the impression that +you saw nothing out of the way when you entered.</p> + +<p>Always leave a card when you find the person upon +whom you have called absent from home.</p> + +<p>A card should have nothing written upon it, but your +name and address. To leave a card with your business +address, or the nature of your profession written upon +it, shows a shocking ignorance of polite society. Business +cards are never to be used excepting when you +make a business call.</p> + +<p>Never use a card that is ornamented in any way, +whether by a fancy border, painted corners, or embossing. +Let it be perfectly plain, tinted, if you like,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">{84}</a></span> +in color, but without ornament, and have your name +written or printed in the middle, your address, in smaller +characters, in the lower left hand corner. Many gentlemen +omit the Mr. upon their cards, writing merely their +Christian and surname; this is a matter of taste, you +may follow your own inclination. Let your card be +written thus:—</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p class="center smcap">Henry C. Pratt</p> + +<p>No. 217 L. street.</p> +</div> + +<p>A physician will put Dr. before or M.D. after the +name, and an officer in the army or navy may add his +title; but for militia officers to do so is absurd.</p> + +<p>If you call upon a lady, who invites you to be seated, +place a chair for her, and wait until she takes it before +you sit down yourself.</p> + +<p>Never sit beside a lady upon a sofa, or on a chair very +near her own, unless she invites you to do so.</p> + +<p>If a lady enters the room where you are making a +call, rise, and remain standing until she is seated. Even +if she is a perfect stranger, offer her a chair, if there is +none near her.</p> + +<p>You must rise if a lady leaves the room, and remain +standing until she has passed out.</p> + +<p>If you are engaged in any profession which you follow +at home, and receive a caller, you may, during the daytime, +invite him into your library, study, or the room in +which you work, and, unless you use your pen, you may +work while he is with you.</p> + +<p>When you receive a visitor, meet him at the door, offer +a chair, take his hat and cane, and, while speaking of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">{85}</a></span> +the pleasure the call affords you, show, by your manner, +that you are sincere, and desire a long call.</p> + +<p>Do not let your host come with you any farther than +the room door if he has other visitors; but if you are +showing out a friend, and leave no others in the parlor, +you should come to the street door.</p> + +<p>A few hints from an English author, will not be amiss +in this place. He says:—</p> + +<p>“Visits of condolence and congratulation must be +made about a week after the event. If you are intimate +with the person on whom you call, you may ask, in the +first case, for admission; if not, it is better only to leave +a card, and make your ‘kind inquiries’ of the servant, +who is generally primed in what manner to answer +them. In visits of congratulation you should always go +in, and be hearty in your congratulations. Visits of +condolence are terrible inflictions to both receiver and +giver, but they may be made less so by avoiding, as +much as consistent with sympathy, any allusion to the +past. The receiver does well to abstain from tears. A +lady of my acquaintance, who had lost her husband, was +receiving such a visit in her best crape. She wept profusely +for some time upon the best of broad-hemmed +cambric handkerchiefs, and then turning to her visitor, +said: ‘I am sure you will be glad to hear that Mr. B. +has left me most comfortably provided for.’ <i>Hinc illæ +lacrymæ.</i> Perhaps they would have been more sincere +if he had left her without a penny. At the same time, +if you have not sympathy and heart enough to pump up +a little condolence, you will do better to avoid it, but +take care that your conversation is not too gay. Whatever<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">{86}</a></span> +you may feel, you must respect the sorrows of +others.</p> + +<p>“On marriage, cards are sent round to such people as +you wish to keep among your acquaintance, and it is then +their part to call first on the young couple, when within +distance.</p> + +<p>“Having entered the house, you take up with you to +the drawing-room both hat and cane, but leave an umbrella +in the hall. In France it is usual to leave a +great-coat down stairs also, but as calls are made in this +country in morning dress, it is not necessary to do so.</p> + +<p>“It is not usual to introduce people at morning calls +in large towns; in the country it is sometimes done, not +always. The law of introductions is, in fact, to force +no one into an acquaintance. You should, therefore, ascertain +beforehand whether it is agreeable to both to be +introduced; but if a lady or a superior expresses a wish +to know a gentleman or an inferior, the latter two have +no right to decline the honor. The introduction is of an +inferior [which position a gentleman always holds to a +lady] to the superior. You introduce Mr. Smith to Mrs. +Jones, or Mr. A. to Lord B., not <i>vice versa</i>. In introducing +two persons, it is not necessary to lead one of +them up by the hand, but it is sufficient simply to precede +them. Having thus brought the person to be introduced +up to the one to whom he is to be presented, it is +the custom, even when the consent has been previously +obtained, to say, with a slight bow, to the superior personage: +‘Will you allow me to introduce Mr. ——?’ +The person addressed replies by bowing to the one introduced, +who also bows at the same time, while the introducer<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">{87}</a></span> +repeats their names, and then retires, leaving them +to converse. Thus, for instance, in presenting Mr. +Jones to Mrs. Smith, you will say, ‘Mrs. Smith, allow +me to introduce Mr. Jones,’ and while they are engaged +in bowing you will murmur, ‘Mrs. Smith—Mr. Jones,’ +and escape. If you have to present three or four people +to said Mrs. Smith, it will suffice to utter their respective +names without repeating that of the lady.</p> + +<p>“A well-bred person always receives visitors at whatever +time they may call, or whoever they may be; but +if you are occupied and cannot afford to be interrupted +by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the servant <em>beforehand</em> +to say that you are ‘not at home.’ This form +has often been denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no +lie unless intended to deceive; and since the words are +universally understood to mean that you are engaged, it +can be no harm to give such an order to a servant. But, +on the other hand, if the servant once admits a visitor +within the hall, you should receive him at any inconvenience +to yourself.”</p> + +<p>He also gives some admirable hints upon visits made +to friends in another city or the country.</p> + +<p>He says:—</p> + +<p>“A few words on visits to country houses before I quit +this subject. Since a man’s house is his castle, no one, +not even a near relation, has a right to invite himself to +stay in it. It is not only taking a liberty to do so, but +may prove to be very inconvenient. A general invitation, +too, should never be acted on. It is often given +without any intention of following it up; but, if given, +should be turned into a special one sooner or later. An<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">{88}</a></span> +invitation should specify the persons whom it includes, +and the person invited should never presume to take +with him any one not specified. If a gentleman cannot +dispense with his valet, he should write to ask leave to +bring a servant; but the means of your inviter, and the +size of the house, should be taken into consideration, and +it is better taste to dispense with a servant altogether. +Children and horses are still more troublesome, and +should never be taken without special mention made of +them. It is equally bad taste to arrive with a wagonful +of luggage, as that is naturally taken as a hint that +you intend to stay a long time. The length of a country +visit is indeed a difficult matter to decide, but in the +present day people who receive much generally specify +the length in their invitation—a plan which saves a great +deal of trouble and doubt. But a custom not so commendable +has lately come in of limiting the visits of acquaintance +to two or three days. This may be pardonable +where the guest lives at no great distance, but it is +preposterous to expect a person to travel a long distance +for a stay of three nights. If, however, the length be +not specified, and cannot easily be discovered, a week is +the limit for a country visit, except at the house of a +near relation or very old friend. It will, however, save +trouble to yourself, if, soon after your arrival, you state +that you are come “for a few days,” and, if your host +wishes you to make a longer visit, he will at once press +you to do so.</p> + +<p>“The main point in a country visit is to give as little +trouble as possible, to conform to the habits of your entertainers, +and never to be in the way. On this principle<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">{89}</a></span> +you will retire to your own occupations soon after +breakfast, unless some arrangement has been made for +passing the morning otherwise. If you have nothing to +do, you may be sure that your host has something to +attend to in the morning. Another point of good-breeding +is to be punctual at meals, for a host and hostess +never sit down without their guest, and dinner may be +getting cold. If, however, a guest should fail in this +particular, a well-bred entertainer will not only take no +notice of it, but attempt to set the late comer as much +at his ease as possible. A host should provide amusement +for his guests, and give up his time as much as +possible to them; but if he should be a professional man +or student—an author, for instance—the guest should, +at the commencement of the visit, insist that he will not +allow him to interrupt his occupations, and the latter +will set his visitor more at his ease by accepting this arrangement. +In fact, the rule on which a host should +act is to make his visitors as much at home as possible; +that on which a visitor should act, is to interfere as little +as possible with the domestic routine of the house.</p> + +<p>“The worst part of a country visit is the necessity of +giving gratuities to the servants, for a poor man may +often find his visit cost him far more than if he had +stayed at home. It is a custom which ought to be put +down, because a host who receives much should pay his +own servants for the extra trouble given. Some people +have made by-laws against it in their houses, but, like +those about gratuities to railway-porters, they are seldom +regarded. In a great house a man-servant expects gold,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">{90}</a></span> +but a poor man should not be ashamed of offering him +silver. It must depend on the length of the visit. The +ladies give to the female, the gentlemen to the male servants. +Would that I might see my friends without paying +them for their hospitality in this indirect manner!”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">{91}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI" id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI.<br /> +<span class="sub">ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM.</span></h2> + +<p>Of all the amusements open for young people, none +is more delightful and more popular than dancing. Lord +Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says: “Dancing +is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing; but it is one +of those established follies to which people of sense are +sometimes obliged to conform; and then they should be +able to do it well. And, though I would not have you +a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would have you +dance well, as I would have you do everything you do +well.” In another letter, he writes: “Do you mind +your dancing while your dancing master is with you? +As you will be often under the necessity of dancing a +minuet, I would have you dance it very well. Remember +that the graceful motion of the arms, the giving of your +hand, and the putting off and putting on of your hat +genteelly, are the material parts of a gentleman’s dancing. +But the greatest advantage of dancing well is, +that it necessarily teaches you to present yourself, to sit, +stand, and walk genteelly; all of which are of real importance +to a man of fashion.”</p> + +<p>Although the days are over when gentlemen carried +their hats into ball rooms and danced minuets, there are<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">{92}</a></span> +useful hints in the quotations given above. Nothing +will give ease of manner and a graceful carriage to a +gentleman more surely than the knowledge of dancing. +He will, in its practice, acquire easy motion, a light step, +and learn to use both hands and feet well. What can +be more awkward than a man who continually finds his +hands and feet in his way, and, by his fussy movements, +betrays his trouble? A good dancer never feels +this embarrassment, consequently he never appears aware +of the existence of his feet, and carries his hands and +arms gracefully. Some people being bashful and afraid +of attracting attention in a ball room or evening party, +do not take lessons in dancing, overlooking the fact that +it is those who do <em>not</em> partake of the amusement on such +occasions, not those who do, that attract attention. To +all such gentlemen I would say; Learn to dance. You +will find it one of the very best plans for correcting +bashfulness. Unless you possess the accomplishments +that are common in polite society, you can neither give +nor receive all the benefits that can be derived from social +intercourse.</p> + +<p>When you receive an invitation to a ball, answer it immediately.</p> + +<p>If you go alone, go from the dressing-room to the +ball room, find your host and hostess, and speak first to +them; if there are several ladies in the house, take the +earliest opportunity of paying your respects to each of +them, and invite one of them to dance with you the first +dance. If she is already engaged, you should endeavor +to engage her for a dance later in the evening, and are +then at liberty to seek a partner amongst the guests.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">{93}</a></span> +When you have engaged a partner for a dance, you +should go to her a few moments before the set for which +you have engaged her will be formed, that you may not +be hurried in taking your places upon the floor. Enquire +whether she prefers the head or side place in the +set, and take the position she names.</p> + +<p>In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, “Will +you <em>honor</em> me with your hand for a quadrille?” or, +“Shall I have the <em>honor</em> of dancing this set with you?” +are more used now than “Shall I have the <em>pleasure</em>?” or, +“Will you give me the <em>pleasure</em> of dancing with you?”</p> + +<p>Offer a lady your arm to lead her to the quadrille, +and in the pauses between the figures endeavor to make +the duty of standing still less tiresome by pleasant conversation. +Let the subjects be light, as you will be constantly +interrupted by the figures in the dance. There +is no occasion upon which a pleasant flow of small talk +is more <i>àpropos</i>, and agreeable than in a ball room.</p> + +<p>When the dance is over, offer your arm to your partner, +and enquire whether she prefers to go immediately +to her seat, or wishes to promenade. If she chooses +the former, conduct her to her seat, stand near her a few +moments, chatting, then bow, and give other gentlemen +an opportunity of addressing her. If she prefers to +promenade, walk with her until she expresses a wish to +sit down. Enquire, before you leave her, whether you +can be of any service, and, if the supper-room is open, +invite her to go in there with you.</p> + +<p>You will pay a delicate compliment and one that will +certainly be appreciated, if, when a lady declines your +invitation to dance on the plea of fatigue or fear of fatigue,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">{94}</a></span> +you do not seek another partner, but remain with +the lady you have just invited, and thus imply that the +pleasure of talking with, and being near, her, is greater +than that of dancing with another.</p> + +<p>Let your hostess understand that you are at her service +for the evening, that she may have a prospect of giving +her wall flowers a partner, and, however unattractive +these may prove, endeavor to make yourself as agreeable +to them as possible.</p> + +<p>Your conduct will differ if you escort a lady to a ball. +Then your principal attentions must be paid to her. +You must call for her punctually at the hour she has appointed, +and it is your duty to provide the carriage. +You may carry her a bouquet if you will, this is optional. +A more elegant way of presenting it is to send it in the +afternoon with your card, as, if you wait until evening, +she may think you do not mean to present one, and provide +one for herself.</p> + +<p>When you arrive at your destination, leave the carriage, +and assist her in alighting; then escort her to the +lady’s dressing-room, leave her at the door, and go to the +gentlemen’s dressing-room. As soon as you have arranged +your own dress, go again to the door of the +lady’s room, and wait until your companion comes out. +Give her your left arm and escort her to the ball room; +find the hostess and lead your companion to her. When +they have exchanged greetings, lead your lady to a seat, +and then engage her for the first dance. Tell her that +while you will not deprive others of the pleasure of +dancing with her, you are desirous of dancing with her +whenever she is not more pleasantly engaged, and before<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">{95}</a></span> +seeking a partner for any other set, see whether your +lady is engaged or is ready to dance again with you. +You must watch during the evening, and, while you do +not force your attentions upon her, or prevent others +from paying her attention, you must never allow her to +be alone, but join her whenever others are not speaking +to her. You must take her in to supper, and be ready +to leave the party, whenever she wishes to do so.</p> + +<p>If the ball is given in your own house, or at that of a +near relative, it becomes your duty to see that every +lady, young or old, handsome or ugly, is provided with a +partner, though the oldest and ugliest may fall to your +own share.</p> + +<p>Never stand up to dance unless you are perfect master +of the step, figure, and time of that dance. If you +make a mistake you not only render yourself ridiculous, +but you annoy your partner and the others in the set.</p> + +<p>If you have come alone to a ball, do not devote yourself +entirely to any one lady. Divide your attentions +amongst several, and never dance twice in succession +with the same partner.</p> + +<p>To affect an air of secrecy or mystery when conversing +in a ball-room is a piece of impertinence for which no +lady of delicacy will thank you.</p> + +<p>When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank +her for the pleasure she has conferred upon you, and do +not remain too long conversing with her.</p> + +<p>Give your partner your whole attention when dancing +with her. To let your eyes wander round the room, or +to make remarks betraying your interest in others, is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">{96}</a></span> +not flattering, as she will not be unobservant of your +want of taste.</p> + +<p>Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is +an unpardonable breach of politeness to ask a lady to +dance with you, and neglect to remind her of her promise +when the time to redeem it comes.</p> + +<p>A dress coat, dress boots, full suit of black, and white +or very light kid gloves must be worn in a ball room. A +white waistcoat and cravat are sometimes worn, but this +is a matter of taste.</p> + +<p>Never wait until the music commences before inviting +a lady to dance with you.</p> + +<p>If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is +seated near her to dance the same set. Do not go immediately +to another lady, but chat a few moments with +the one whom you first invited, and then join a group or +gentlemen friends for a few moments, before seeking another +partner.</p> + +<p>Never dance without gloves. This is an imperative +rule. It is best to carry two pair, as in the contact with +dark dresses, or in handing refreshments, you may soil +the pair you wear on entering the room, and will thus +be under the necessity of offering your hand covered by +a soiled glove, to some fair partner. You can slip unperceived +from the room, change the soiled for a fresh +pair, and then avoid that mortification.</p> + +<p>If your partner has a bouquet, handkerchief, or fan +in her hand, do not offer to carry them for her. If she +finds they embarrass her, she will request you to hold +them for her, but etiquette requires you not to notice +them, unless she speaks of them first.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">{97}</a></span> +Do not be the last to leave the ball room. It is more +elegant to leave early, as staying too late gives others +the impression that you do not often have an invitation +to a ball, and must “make the most of it.”</p> + +<p>Some gentlemen linger at a private ball until all the +ladies have left, and then congregate in the supper-room, +where they remain for hours, totally regardless of the +fact that they are keeping the wearied host and his servants +from their rest. Never, as you value your reputation +as a gentleman of refinement, be among the number +of these “hangers on.”</p> + +<p>The author of a recent work on etiquette, published +in England, gives the following hints for those who go +to balls. He says:—</p> + +<p>“When inviting a lady to dance, if she replies very +politely, asking to be excused, as she does not wish to +dance (‘with you,’ being probably her mental reservation), +a man ought to be satisfied. At all events, he +should never press her to dance after one refusal. The +set forms which Turveydrop would give for the invitation +are too much of the deportment school to be used +in practice. If you know a young lady slightly, it is +sufficient to say to her, ‘May I have the pleasure of +dancing this waltz, &c., with you?’ or if intimately, +‘Will you dance, Miss A—?’ The young lady who has +refused one gentleman, has no right to accept another +for that dance; and young ladies who do not wish to be +annoyed, must take care not to accept two gentlemen +for the same dance. In Germany such innocent blunders +often cause fatal results. Two partners arrive at +the same moment to claim the fair one’s hand; she vows<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">{98}</a></span> +she has not made a mistake; ‘was sure she was engaged +to Herr A—, and not to Herr B—;’ Herr B— is equally +certain that she was engaged to him. The awkwardness +is, that if he at once gives her up, he appears to be indifferent +about it; while, if he presses his suit, he must +quarrel with Herr A—, unless the damsel is clever +enough to satisfy both of them; and particularly if there +is an especial interest in Herr B—, he yields at last, +but when the dance is over, sends a friend to Herr A—. +Absurd as all this is, it is common, and I have often +seen one Herr or the other walking about with a huge +gash on his cheek, or his arm in a sling, a few days after +a ball.</p> + +<p>“Friendship, it appears, can be let out on hire. The +lady who was so very amiable to you last night, has a +right to ignore your existence to-day. In fact, a ball +room acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until you +have met at more balls than one. In the same way a +man cannot, after being introduced to a young lady to +dance with, ask her to do so more than twice in the +same evening. A man may dance four or even five +times with the same partner. On the other hand, a +real well-bred man will wish to be useful, and there are +certain people whom it is imperative on him to ask to +dance—the daughters of the house, for instance, and +any young ladies whom he may know intimately; but +most of all the well-bred and amiable man will sacrifice +himself to those plain, ill-dressed, dull looking beings +who cling to the wall, unsought and despairing. After +all, he will not regret his good nature. The spirits reviving +at the unexpected invitation, the wall-flower will<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">{99}</a></span> +pour out her best conversation, will dance her best, and +will show him her gratitude in some way or other.</p> + +<p>“The formal bow at the end of a quadrille has gradually +dwindled away. At the end of every dance you +offer your right arm to your partner, (if by mistake you +offer the left, you may turn the blunder into a pretty +compliment, by reminding her that is <i>le bras du cœur</i>, +nearest the heart, which if not anatomically true, is, at +least, no worse than talking of a sunset and sunrise), +and walk half round the room with her. You then ask +her if she will take any refreshment, and, if she accepts, +you convey your precious allotment of tarlatane to the +refreshment room to be invigorated by an ice or negus, +or what you will. It is judicious not to linger too long +in this room, if you are engaged to some one else for +the next dance. You will have the pleasure of hearing +the music begin in the distant ball room, and of reflecting +that an expectant fair is sighing for you like Marianna—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">“He cometh not,” she said.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She said, “I am a-weary a-weary,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I would I were in bed;”<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>which is not an unfrequent wish in some ball rooms. A +well-bred girl, too, will remember this, and always offer +to return to the ball room, however interesting the conversation.</p> + +<p>“If you are prudent you will not dance every dance, +nor in fact, much more than half the number on the list; +you will then escape that hateful redness of face at the +time, and that wearing fatigue the next day which are +among the worst features of a ball. Again, a gentleman<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">{100}</a></span> +must remember that a ball is essentially a lady’s party, +and in their presence he should be gentle and delicate +almost to a fault, never pushing his way, apologizing if +he tread on a dress, still more so if he tears it, begging +pardon for any accidental annoyance he may occasion, +and addressing every body with a smile. But quite unpardonable +are those men whom one sometimes meets, +who, standing in a door-way, talk and laugh as they +would in a barrack or college-rooms, always coarsely, +often indelicately. What must the state of their minds +be, if the sight of beauty, modesty, and virtue, does not +awe them into silence! A man, too, who strolls down +the room with his head in the air, looking as if there +were not a creature there worth dancing with, is an ill-bred +man, so is he who looks bored; and worse than all +is he who takes too much champagne.</p> + +<p>“If you are dancing with a young lady when the supper-room +is opened, you must ask her if she would like +to go to supper, and if she says ‘yes,’ which, in 999 +cases out of 1000, she certainly will do, you must take +her thither. If you are not dancing, the lady of the +house will probably recruit you to take in some chaperon. +However little you may relish this, you must not show +your disgust. In fact, no man ought to be disgusted at +being able to do anything for a lady; it should be his +highest privilege, but it is not—in these modern unchivalrous +days—perhaps never was so. Having placed +your partner then at the supper-table, if there is room +there, but if not at a side-table, or even at none, you +must be as active as Puck in attending to her wants, +and as women take as long to settle their fancies in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">{101}</a></span> +edibles as in love-matters, you had better at once get +her something substantial, chicken, <i>pâté de foie gras</i>, +<i>mayonnaise</i>, or what you will. Afterwards come jelly +and trifle in due course.</p> + +<p>“A young lady often goes down half-a-dozen times to +the supper-room—it is to be hoped not for the purpose +of eating—but she should not do so with the same partner +more than once. While the lady is supping you +must stand by and talk to her, attending to every want, +and the most you may take yourself is a glass of champagne +when you help her. You then lead her up stairs +again, and if you are not wanted there any more, you +may steal down and do a little quiet refreshment on +your own account. As long, however, as there are many +ladies still at the table, you have no right to begin. +Nothing marks a man here so much as gorging at supper. +Balls are meant for dancing, not eating, and unfortunately +too many young men forget this in the present +day. Lastly, be careful what you say and how +you dance after supper, even more so than before it, for +if you in the slightest way displease a young lady, she +may fancy that you have been too partial to strong fluids, +and ladies never forgive that. It would be hard on the +lady of the house if every body leaving a large ball thought +it necessary to wish her good night. In quitting a small +dance, however, a parting bow is expected. It is then +that the pretty daughter of the house gives you that +sweet smile of which you dream afterwards in a gooseberry +nightmare of ‘tum-tum-tiddy-tum,’ and waltzes <i>à +deux temps</i>, and masses of tarlatane and bright eyes,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">{102}</a></span> +flushed cheeks and dewy glances. See them to-morrow, +my dear fellow, it will cure you.</p> + +<p>“I think flirtation comes under the head of morals +more than of manners; still I may be allowed to say +that ball room flirtation being more open is less dangerous +than any other. A prudent man will never presume +on a girl’s liveliness or banter. No man of taste ever +made an offer after supper, and certainly nine-tenths of +those who have done so have regretted it at breakfast +the next morning.</p> + +<p>“At public balls there are generally either three or +four stewards on duty, or a professional master of ceremonies. +These gentlemen having made all the arrangements, +order the dances, and have power to change them +if desirable. They also undertake to present young +men to ladies, but it must be understood that such an +introduction is only available for <em>one</em> dance. It is better +taste to ask the steward to introduce you simply to a +partner, than to point out any lady in particular. He +will probably then ask you if you have a choice, and if +not, you may be certain he will take you to an established +wall-flower. Public balls are scarcely enjoyable +unless you have your own party.</p> + +<p>“As the great charm of a ball is its perfect accord and +harmony, all altercations, loud talking, &c., are doubly +ill-mannered in a ball room. Very little suffices to disturb +the peace of the whole company.”</p> + +<p>The same author gives some hints upon dancing which +are so excellent that I need make no apology for quoting +them. He says:—</p> + +<p>“‘Thank you—aw—I do not dance,’ is now a very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">{103}</a></span> +common reply from a well-dressed, handsome man, who +is leaning against the side of the door, to the anxious, +heated hostess, who feels it incumbent on her to find a +partner for poor Miss Wallflower. I say the reply is +not only common, but even regarded as rather a fine one +to make. In short, men of the present day don’t, won’t, +or can’t dance; and you can’t make them do it, except +by threatening to give them no supper. I really cannot +discover the reason for this aversion to an innocent +amusement, for the apparent purpose of enjoying which +they have spent an hour and a half on their toilet. +There is something, indeed, in the heat of a ball room, +there is a great deal in the ridiculous smallness of the +closets into which the ball-giver crowds two hundred +people, with a cruel indifference only equalled by that +of the black-hole of Calcutta, expecting them to enjoy +themselves, when the ladies’ dresses are crushed and +torn, and the gentlemen, under the despotism of theirs, +are melting away almost as rapidly as the ices with which +an occasional waiter has the heartlessness to insult +them. Then, again, it is a great nuisance to be introduced +to a succession of plain, uninteresting young +women, of whose tastes, modes of life, &c., you have not +the slightest conception: who may look gay, yet have +never a thought beyond the curate and the parish, or +appear to be serious, while they understand nothing +but the opera and So-and-so’s ball—in fact, to be in +perpetual risk of either shocking their prejudices, or +plaguing them with subjects in which they can have no +possible interest; to take your chance whether they can +dance at all, and to know that when you have lighted on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">{104}</a></span> +a real charmer, perhaps the beauty of the room, she is +only lent to you for that dance, and, when that is over, +and you have salaamed away again, you and she must remain +to one another as if you had never met; to feel, +in short, that you must destroy either your present comfort +or future happiness, is certainly sufficiently trying +to keep a man close to the side-posts of the doorway. +But these are reasons which might keep him altogether +from a ball room, and, if he has these and other objections +to dancing, he certainly cannot be justified in coming +to a place set apart for that sole purpose.</p> + +<p>“But I suspect that there are other reasons, and that, +in most cases, the individual can dance and does dance +at times, but has now a vulgar desire to be distinguished +from the rest of his sex present, and to appear indifferent +to the pleasures of the evening. If this be his laudable +desire, however he might, at least, be consistent, and +continue to cling to his door-post, like St. Sebastian to +his tree, and reply throughout the evening, ‘Thank you, +I don’t take refreshments;’ ‘Thank you, I can’t eat +supper;’ ‘Thank you, I don’t talk;’ ‘Thank you, I +don’t drink champagne,’—for if a ball room be purgatory, +what a demoniacal conflict does a supper-room present; +if young ladies be bad for the heart, champagne +is worse for the head.</p> + +<p>“No, it is the will, not the power to dance which is +wanting, and to refuse to do so, unless for a really good +reason, is not the part of a well-bred man. To mar the +pleasure of others is obviously bad manners, and, though +at the door-post, you may not be in the way, you may +be certain that there are some young ladies longing to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">{105}</a></span> +dance, and expecting to be asked, and that the hostess +is vexed and annoyed by seeing them fixed, like pictures, +to the wall. It is therefore the duty of every man who +has no scruples about dancing, and purposes to appear +at balls, to learn how to dance.</p> + +<p>“In the present day the art is much simplified, and +if you can walk through a quadrille, and perform a polka, +waltz, or galop, you may often dance a whole evening +through. Of course, if you can add to these the +Lancers, Schottische, and Polka-Mazurka, you will have +more variety, and can be more generally agreeable. +But if your master or mistress [a man learns better from +the former] has stuffed into your head some of the three +hundred dances which he tells you exist, the best thing +you can do is to forget them again. Whether right or +wrong, the number of usual dances is limited, and unusual +ones should be very sparingly introduced into a ball, +for as few people know them, their dancing, on the one +hand, becomes a mere display, and, on the other, interrupts +the enjoyment of the majority.</p> + +<p>“The quadrille is pronounced to be essentially a conversational +dance, but, inasmuch as the figures are perpetually +calling you away from your partner, the first +necessity for dancing a quadrille is to be supplied with a +fund of small talk, in which you can go from subject to +subject like a bee from flower to flower. The next point +is to carry yourself uprightly. Time was when—as in +the days of the <i>minuet de la cour</i>—the carriage constituted +the dance. This is still the case with the quadrille, +in which, even if ignorant of the figures, you may +acquit yourself well by a calm, graceful carriage. After<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">{106}</a></span> +all, the most important figure is the <em>smile</em>, and the feet +may be left to their fate, if we know what to do with +our hands; of which I may observe that they should +never be pocketed.</p> + +<p>“The smile is essential. A dance is supposed to +amuse, and nothing is more out of place in it than a +gloomy scowl, unless it be an ill-tempered frown. The +gaiety of a dance is more essential than the accuracy of +its figures, and if you feel none yourself, you may, at +least, look pleased by that of those around you. A defiant +manner is equally obnoxious. An acquaintance of +mine always gives me the impression, when he advances +in <i>l’été</i>, that he is about to box the lady who comes to +meet him. But the most objectionable of all is the supercilious +manner. Dear me, if you really think you do +your partner an honor in dancing with her, you should, +at least, remember that your condescension is annulled +by the manner in which you treat her.</p> + +<p>“A lady—beautiful word!—is a delicate creature, one +who should be reverenced and delicately treated. It is, +therefore, unpardonable to rush about in a quadrille, to +catch hold of a lady’s hand as if it were a door-handle, +or to drag her furiously across the room, as if you were +Bluebeard and she Fatima, with the mysterious closet +opposite to you. This <i>brusque</i> violent style of dancing +is, unfortunately, common, but immediately stamps a +man. Though I would not have you wear a perpetual +simper, you should certainly smile when you take a +lady’s hand, and the old custom of bowing in doing so, +is one that we may regret; for, does she not confer an +honor on us by the action? To squeeze it, on the other<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">{107}</a></span> +hand, is a gross familiarity, for which you would deserve +to be kicked out of the room.</p> + +<p>“‘Steps,’ as the <i>chasser</i> of the quadrille is called, belong +to a past age, and even ladies are now content to +walk through a quadrille. It is, however, necessary to +keep time with the music, the great object being the +general harmony. To preserve this, it is also advisable, +where the quadrille, as is now generally the case, is +danced by two long lines of couples down the room, that +in <i>l’été</i>, and other figures, in which a gentleman and lady +advance alone to meet one another, none but gentlemen +should advance from the one side, and, therefore, none +but ladies from the other.</p> + +<p>“Dancing masters find it convenient to introduce new +figures, and the fashion of <i>La Trénise</i> and the <i>Grande +Ronde</i> is repeatedly changing. It is wise to know the +last mode, but not to insist on dancing it. A quadrille +cannot go on evenly if any confusion arises from the +ignorance, obstinacy, or inattention of any one of the +dancers. It is therefore useful to know every way in +which a figure may be danced, and to take your cue +from the others. It is amusing, however, to find how +even such a trifle as a choice of figures in a quadrille +can help to mark caste, and give a handle for supercilious +sneers. Jones, the other day, was protesting that +the Browns were ‘vulgar.’ ‘Why so? they are well-bred.’ +‘Yes, so they are.’ ‘They are well-informed.’ +‘Certainly.’ ‘They are polite, speak good English, +dress quietly and well, are graceful and even elegant.’ +‘I grant you all that.’ ‘Then what fault can you find +with them?’ ‘My dear fellow, they are people who gallop<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">{108}</a></span> +round in the last figure of a quadrille,’ he replied, +triumphantly. But to a certain extent Jones is right. +Where a choice is given, the man of taste will always +select for a quadrille (as it is a conversational dance) +the quieter mode of performing a figure, and so the +Browns, if perfect in other respects, at least were wanting +in taste. There is one alteration lately introduced +from France, which I sincerely trust, will be universally +accepted. The farce of that degrading little performance +called ‘setting’—where you dance before your partner +somewhat like Man Friday before Robinson Crusoe, and +then as if your feelings were overcome, seize her hands +and whirl her round—has been finally abolished by a +decree of Fashion, and thus more opportunity is given +for conversation, and in a crowded room you have no +occasion to crush yourself and partner between the couples +on each side of you.</p> + +<p>“I do not attempt to deny that the quadrille, as now +walked, is ridiculous; the figures, which might be graceful, +if performed in a lively manner, have entirely lost +their spirit, and are become a burlesque of dancing; +but, at the same time, it is a most valuable dance. Old +and young, stout and thin, good dancers and bad, lazy +and active, stupid and clever, married and single, can all +join in it, and have not only an excuse and opportunity +for <i>tête-à-tête</i> conversation, which is decidedly the easiest, +but find encouragement in the music, and in some +cases convenient breaks in the necessity of dancing. A +person of few ideas has time to collect them while the +partner is performing, and one of many can bring them +out with double effect. Lastly, if you wish to be polite<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">{109}</a></span> +or friendly to an acquaintance who dances atrociously, +you can select a quadrille for him or her, as the case +may be.</p> + +<p>“Very different in object and principle are the so-called +round dances, and there are great limitations as +to those who should join in them. Here the intention +is to enjoy a peculiar physical movement under peculiar +conditions, and the conversation during the intervals of +rest is only a secondary object. These dances demand +activity and lightness, and should therefore be, as a rule, +confined to the young. An old man sacrifices all his +dignity in a polka, and an old woman is ridiculous in a +waltz. Corpulency, too, is generally a great impediment, +though some stout people prove to be the lightest +dancers.</p> + +<p>“The morality of round dances scarcely comes within +my province. They certainly can be made very indelicate; +so can any dance, and the French <i>cancan</i> proves +that the quadrille is no safer in this respect than the +waltz. But it is a gross insult to our daughters and +sisters to suppose them capable of any but the most innocent +and purest enjoyment in the dance, while of our +young men I will say, that to the pure all things are +pure. Those who see harm in it, are those in whose +mind evil thoughts must have arisen. <i>Honi soit qui mal +y pense.</i> Those who rail against dancing are perhaps not +aware that they do but follow in the steps of the Romish +Church. In many parts of the Continent, bishops who +have never danced in their lives, and perhaps never +seen a dance, have laid a ban of excommunication on +waltzing. A story was told to me in Normandy of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">{110}</a></span> +worthy Bishop of Bayeux, one of this number. A priest +of his diocese petitioned him to put down round dances. +‘I know nothing about them,’ replied the prelate, ‘I +have never seen a waltz.’ Upon this the younger ecclesiastic +attempted to explain what it was and wherein the +danger lay, but the bishop could not see it. ‘Will Monseigneur +permit me to show him?’ asked the priest. +‘Certainly. My chaplain here appears to understand the +subject; let me see you two waltz.’ How the reverend +gentlemen came to know so much about it does not appear, +but they certainly danced a polka, a gallop, and a <i>trois-temps</i> +waltz. ‘All these seem harmless enough.’ ‘Oh! +but Monseigneur has not seen the worst;’ and thereupon +the two gentlemen proceeded to flounder through a <i>valse +à deux-temps</i>. They must have murdered it terribly, for +they were not half round the room when his Lordship +cried out, ‘Enough, enough, that is atrocious, and deserves +excommunication.’ Accordingly this waltz was forbid, +while the other dances were allowed. I was at a public +ball at Caen soon after this occurrence, and was amused +to find the <i>trois-temps</i> danced with a peculiar shuffle, by +way of compromise between conscience and pleasure.</p> + +<p>“There are people in this country whose logic is as +good as that of the Bishop of Bayeux, but I confess my +inability to understand it. If there is impropriety in +round dances, there is the same in all. But to the waltz, +which poets have praised and preachers denounced. The +French, with all their love of danger, waltz atrociously, +the English but little better; the Germans and Russians +alone understand it. I could rave through three pages +about the innocent enjoyment of a good waltz, its grace<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">{111}</a></span> +and beauty, but I will be practical instead, and give you +a few hints on the subject.</p> + +<p>“The position is the most important point. The lady +and gentleman before starting should stand exactly opposite +to one another, quite upright, and not, as is so +common, painfully close to one another. If the man’s +hand be placed where it should be, at the centre of the +lady’s waist, and not all round it, he will have as firm a +hold and not be obliged to stoop, or bend to his right. +The lady’s head should then be turned a little towards +her left shoulder, and her partner’s somewhat less towards +his right, in order to preserve the proper balance. +Nothing can be more atrocious than to see a lady lay +her head on her partner’s shoulder; but, on the other +hand, she will not dance well, if she turns it in the opposite +direction. The lady again should throw her head +and shoulders a little back, and the man lean a very +little forward.</p> + +<p>“The position having been gained, the step is the +next question. In Germany the rapidity of the waltz is +very great, but it is rendered elegant by slackening the +pace every now and then, and thus giving a <i>crescendo</i> +and <i>decrescendo</i> time to the movement. The Russian +men undertake to perform in waltzing the same feat as +the Austrians in riding, and will dance round the room +with a glass of champagne in the left hand without spilling +a drop. This evenness in waltzing is certainly very +graceful, but can only be attained by a long sliding step, +which is little practised where the rooms are small, and +people, not understanding the real pleasure of dancing +well, insist on dancing all at the same time. In Germany<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">{112}</a></span> +they are so alive to the necessity of ample space, +that in large balls a rope is drawn across the room; its +two ends are held by the masters of the ceremonies <i>pro-tem.</i>, +and as one couple stops and retires, another is allowed +to pass under the rope and take its place. But +then in Germany they dance for the dancing’s sake. +However this may be, an even motion is very desirable, +and all the abominations which militate against it, such +as hop-waltzes, the Schottische, and ridiculous <i>Varsovienne</i>, +are justly put down in good society. The pace, +again, should not be sufficiently rapid to endanger other +couples. It is the gentleman’s duty to <em>steer</em>, and in +crowded rooms nothing is more trying. He must keep +his eyes open and turn them in every direction, if he +would not risk a collision, and the chance of a fall, or +what is as bad, the infliction of a wound on his partner’s +arm. I have seen a lady’s arm cut open in such a collision +by the bracelet of that of another lady; and the +sight is by no means a pleasant one in a ball room, to +say nothing of a new dress covered in a moment with +blood.</p> + +<p>“The consequences of violent dancing may be really +serious. Not only do delicate girls bring on, thereby, a +violent palpitation of the heart, and their partners appear +in a most disagreeable condition of solution, but +dangerous falls ensue from it. I have known instances +of a lady’s head being laid open, and a gentleman’s foot +being broken in such a fall, resulting, poor fellow! in +lameness for life.</p> + +<p>“It is, perhaps, useless to recommend flat-foot waltzing +in this country, where ladies allow themselves to be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">{113}</a></span> +almost hugged by their partners, and where men think +it necessary to lift a lady almost off the ground, but I +am persuaded that if it were introduced, the outcry +against the impropriety of waltzing would soon cease. +Nothing can be more delicate than the way in which a +German holds his partner. It is impossible to dance on +the flat foot unless the lady and gentleman are quite free +of one another. His hand, therefore, goes no further +round her waist than to the hooks and eyes of her dress, +hers, no higher than to his elbow. Thus danced, the +waltz is smooth, graceful, and delicate, and we could +never in Germany complain of our daughter’s languishing +on a young man’s shoulder. On the other hand, +nothing is more graceless and absurd than to see a man +waltzing on the tips of his toes, lifting his partner off +the ground, or twirling round and round with her like +the figures on a street organ. The test of waltzing in +time is to be able to stamp the time with the left foot. +A good flat-foot waltzer can dance on one foot as well as +on two, but I would not advise him to try it in public, +lest, like Mr. Rarey’s horse on three legs, he should +come to the ground in a luckless moment. The legs +should be very little bent in dancing, the body still less +so. I do not know whether it be worse to see a man <em>sit +down</em> in a waltz, or to find him with his head poked forward +over your young wife’s shoulder, hot, red, wild, and +in far too close proximity to the partner of your bosom, +whom he makes literally the partner of his own.</p> + +<p>“The ‘Lancers’ are a revival, after many long years, +and, perhaps, we may soon have a drawing-room adaptation +of the Morris-dance.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">{114}</a></span> +“The only advice, therefore, which it is necessary to +give to those who wish to dance the polka may be +summed up in one word, ‘don’t.’ Not so with the galop. +The remarks as to the position in waltzing apply to all +round dances, and there is, therefore, little to add with +regard to the galop, except that it is a great mistake to +suppose it to be a rapid dance. It should be danced as +slowly as possible. It will then be more graceful and +less fatiguing. It is danced quite slowly in Germany +and on the flat foot. The polka-mazurka is still much +danced, and is certainly very graceful. The remarks on +the quadrille apply equally to the lancers, which are great +favorites, and threaten to take the place of the former. +The schottische, hop-waltz, redowa, varsovienne, cellarius, +and so forth, have had their day, and are no longer +danced in good society.</p> + +<p>“The calm ease which marks the man of good taste, +makes even the swiftest dances graceful and agreeable. +Vehemence may be excused at an election, but not in a +ball room. I once asked a beautiful and very clever +young lady how she, who seemed to pass her life with +books, managed to dance so well. ‘I enjoy it,’ she replied; +‘and when I dance I give my <em>whole mind</em> to it.’ +And she was quite right. Whatever is worth doing at +all, is worth doing well; and if it is not beneath your +dignity to dance, it is not unworthy of your mind to +give itself, for the time, wholly up to it. You will never +enjoy dancing till you do it well; and, if you do not +enjoy it, it is folly to dance. But, in reality, dancing, +if it be a mere trifle, is one to which great minds have +not been ashamed to stoop. Locke, for instance, has<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">{115}</a></span> +written on its utility, and speaks of it as manly, which +was certainly not Michal’s opinion, when she looked out +of the window and saw her lord and master dancing and +playing. Plato recommended it, and Socrates learned +the Athenian polka of the day when quite an old gentleman, +and liked it very much. Some one has even gone +the length of calling it ‘the logic of the body;’ and +Addison defends himself for making it the subject of a +disquisition.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">{116}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII" id="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII.<br /> +<span class="sub">DRESS.</span></h2> + +<p>Between the sloven and the coxcomb there is generally +a competition which shall be the more contemptible: +the one in the total neglect of every thing which might +make his appearance in public supportable, and the +other in the cultivation of every superfluous ornament. +The former offends by his negligence and dirt, and the +latter by his finery and perfumery. Each entertains a +supreme contempt for the other, and while both are +right in their opinion, both are wrong in their practice. +It is not in either extreme that the man of real elegance +and refinement will be shown, but in the happy medium +which allows taste and judgment to preside over the +wardrobe and toilet-table, while it prevents too great an +attention to either, and never allows personal appearance +to become the leading object of life.</p> + +<p>The French have a proverb, “It is not the cowl which +makes the monk,” and it might be said with equal truth, +“It is not the dress which makes the gentleman,” yet, +as the monk is known abroad by his cowl, so the true +gentleman will let the refinement of his mind and education +be seen in his dress.</p> + +<p>The first rule for the guidance of a man, in matters<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">{117}</a></span> +of dress, should be, “Let the dress suit the occasion.” +It is as absurd for a man to go into the street in +the morning with his dress-coat, white kid gloves, and +dancing-boots, as it would be for a lady to promenade +the fashionable streets, in full evening dress, or for the +same man to present himself in the ball-room with heavy +walking-boots, a great coat, and riding-cap.</p> + +<p>It is true that there is little opportunity for a gentleman +to exercise his taste for coloring, in the black and +white dress which fashion so imperatively declares to be +the proper dress for a <em>dress</em> occasion. He may indulge +in light clothes in the street during the warm months of +the year, but for the ball or evening party, black and +white are the only colors (or no colors) admissible, and +in the midst of the gay dresses of the ladies, the unfortunate +man in his sombre dress appears like a demon who +has found his way into Paradise among the angels. +<em>N’importe!</em> Men should be useful to the women, and +how can they be better employed than acting as a foil +for their loveliness of face and dress!</p> + +<p>Notwithstanding the dress, however, a man may make +himself agreeable, even in the earthly Paradise, a ball-room. +He can rise above the mourning of his coat, to +the joyousness of the occasion, and make himself valued +for himself, not his dress. He can make himself admired +for his wit, not his toilette; his elegance and refinement, +not the price of his clothes.</p> + +<p>There is another good rule for the dressing-room: +While you are engaged in dressing give your whole +attention to it. See that every detail is perfect, and +that each article is neatly arranged. From the curl of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">{118}</a></span> +your hair to the tip of your boot, let all be perfect in its +make and arrangement, but, as soon as you have left +your mirror, forget your dress. Nothing betokens the +coxcomb more decidedly than to see a man always fussing +about his dress, pulling down his wristbands, playing +with his moustache, pulling up his shirt collar, or arranging +the bow of his cravat. Once dressed, do not attempt +to alter any part of your costume until you are again in +the dressing-room.</p> + +<p>In a gentleman’s dress any attempt to be conspicuous +is in excessively bad taste. If you are wealthy, let the +luxury of your dress consist in the fine quality of each +article, and in the spotless purity of gloves and linen, +but never wear much jewelry or any article conspicuous +on account of its money value. Simplicity should always +preside over the gentleman’s wardrobe.</p> + +<p>Follow fashion as far as is necessary to avoid eccentricity +or oddity in your costume, but avoid the extreme +of the prevailing <i>mode</i>. If coats are worn long, yours +need not sweep the ground, if they are loose, yours may +still have some fitness for your figure; if pantaloons are +cut large over the boot, yours need not cover the whole +foot, if they are tight, you may still take room to walk. +Above all, let your figure and style of face have some +weight in deciding how far you are to follow fashion. +For a very tall man to wear a high, narrow-brimmed +hat, long-tailed coat, and tight pantaloons, with a pointed +beard and hair brushed up from the forehead, is not +more absurd than for a short, fat man, to promenade the +street in a low, broad-brimmed hat, loose coat and pants,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">{119}</a></span> +and the latter made of large plaid material, and yet burlesques +quite as broad may be met with every day.</p> + +<p>An English writer, ridiculing the whims of Fashion, +says:—</p> + +<p>“To be in the fashion, an Englishman must wear six +pairs of gloves in a day:</p> + +<p>“In the morning, he must drive his hunting wagon in +reindeer gloves.</p> + +<p>“In hunting, he must wear gloves of chamois skin.</p> + +<p>“To enter London in his tilbury, beaver skin gloves.</p> + +<p>“Later in the day, to promenade in Hyde Park, colored +kid gloves, dark.</p> + +<p>“When he dines out, colored kid gloves, light.</p> + +<p>“For the ball-room, white kid gloves.”</p> + +<p>Thus his yearly bill for gloves alone will amount to a +most extravagant sum.</p> + +<p>In order to merit the appellation of a well-dressed +man, you must pay attention, not only to the more prominent +articles of your wardrobe, coat, pants, and vest, +but to the more minute details. A shirtfront which fits +badly, a pair of wristbands too wide or too narrow, a +badly brushed hat, a shabby pair of gloves, or an ill-fitting +boot, will spoil the most elaborate costume. Purity +of skin, teeth, nails; well brushed hair; linen fresh and +snowy white, will make clothes of the coarsest material, +if well made, look more elegant, than the finest material +of cloth, if these details are neglected.</p> + +<p>Frequent bathing, careful attention to the teeth, +nails, ears, and hair, are indispensable to a finished +toilette.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">{120}</a></span> +Use but very little perfume, much of it is in bad +taste.</p> + +<p>Let your hair, beard, and moustache, be always perfectly +smooth, well arranged, and scrupulously clean.</p> + +<p>It is better to clean the teeth with a piece of sponge, +or very soft brush, than with a stiff brush, and there is +no dentifrice so good as White Castile Soap.</p> + +<p>Wear always gloves and boots, which fit well and are +fresh and whole. Soiled or torn gloves and boots ruin a +costume otherwise faultless.</p> + +<p>Extreme propriety should be observed in dress. Be +careful to dress according to your means. Too great +saving is meanness, too great expense is extravagance.</p> + +<p>A young man may follow the fashion farther than a +middle-aged or elderly man, but let him avoid going to +the extreme of the mode, if he would not be taken for +an empty headed fop.</p> + +<p>It is best to employ a good tailor, as a suit of coarse +broadcloth which fits you perfectly, and is stylish in cut, +will make a more elegant dress than the finest material +badly made.</p> + +<p>Avoid eccentricity; it marks, not the man of genius, +but the fool.</p> + +<p>A well brushed hat, and glossy boots must be always +worn in the street.</p> + +<p>White gloves are the only ones to be worn with full +dress.</p> + +<p>A snuff box, watch, studs, sleeve-buttons, watch-chain, +and one ring are all the jewelry a well-dressed man can +wear.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">{121}</a></span> +An English author, in a recent work, gives the following +rules for a gentleman’s dress:</p> + +<p>“The best bath for general purposes, and one which +can do little harm, and almost always some good, is a +sponge bath. It should consist of a large, flat metal +basin, some four feet in diameter, filled with cold water. +Such a vessel may be bought for about fifteen shillings. +A large, coarse sponge—the coarser the better—will cost +another five or seven shillings, and a few Turkish towels +complete the ‘properties.’ The water should be plentiful +and fresh, that is, brought up a little while before the +bath is to be used; not placed over night in the bed-room. +Let us wash and be merry, for we know not how +soon the supply of that precious article which here costs +nothing may be cut off. In many continental towns +they buy their water, and on a protracted sea voyage +the ration is often reduced to half a pint a day <em>for all +purposes</em>, so that a pint per diem is considered luxurious. +Sea-water, we may here observe, does not cleanse, and +a sensible man who bathes in the sea will take a bath of +pure water immediately after it. This practice is shamefully +neglected, and I am inclined to think that in many +cases a sea-bath will do more harm than good without +it, but, if followed by a fresh bath, cannot but be advantageous.</p> + +<p>“Taking the sponge bath as the best for ordinary purposes, +we must point out some rules in its use. The +sponge being nearly a foot in length, and six inches +broad, must be allowed to fill completely with water, and +the part of the body which should be first attacked is +the stomach. It is there that the most heat has collected<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">{122}</a></span> +during the night, and the application of cold +water quickens the circulation at once, and sends the +blood which has been employed in digestion round the +whole body. The head should next be soused, unless +the person be of full habit, when the head should be attacked +before the feet touch the cold water at all. Some +persons use a small hand shower bath, which is less powerful +than the common shower bath, and does almost as much +good. The use of soap in the morning bath is an open +question. I confess a preference for a rough towel, or +a hair glove. Brummell patronized the latter, and applied +it for nearly a quarter of an hour every morning.</p> + +<p>“The ancients followed up the bath by anointing the +body, and athletic exercises. The former is a mistake; +the latter, an excellent practice, shamefully neglected in +the present day. It would conduce much to health and +strength if every morning toilet comprised the vigorous +use of the dumb-bells, or, still better, the exercise of the +arms without them. The best plan of all is, to choose +some object in your bed-room on which to vent your +hatred, and box at it violently for some ten minutes, till +the perspiration covers you. The sponge must then be +again applied to the whole body. It is very desirable +to remain without clothing as long as possible, and I +should therefore recommend that every part of the toilet +which can conveniently be performed without dressing, +should be so.</p> + +<p>“The next duty, then, must be to clean the <em class="smcap">Teeth</em>. +Dentists are modern inquisitors, but their torture-rooms +are meant only for the foolish. Everybody is born with +good teeth, and everybody might keep them good by a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">{123}</a></span> +proper diet, and the avoidance of sweets and smoking. +Of the two the former are, perhaps, the more dangerous. +Nothing ruins the teeth so soon as sugar in one’s tea, +and highly sweetened tarts and puddings, and as it is <i>le +premier pas qui coûte</i>, these should be particularly +avoided in childhood. When the teeth attain their full +growth and strength it takes much more to destroy either +their enamel or their substance.</p> + +<p>“It is upon the teeth that the effects of excess are first +seen, and it is upon the teeth that the odor of the breath +depends. If I may not say that it is a Christian duty +to keep your teeth clean, I may, at least, remind you +that you cannot be thoroughly agreeable without doing +so. Let words be what they may, if they come with an +impure odor, they cannot please. The butterfly loves +the scent of the rose more than its honey.</p> + +<p>“The teeth should be well rubbed inside as well as +outside, and the back teeth even more than the front. +The mouth should then be rinsed, if not seven times, according +to the Hindu legislator, at least several times, +with fresh, cold water. This same process should be repeated +several times a day, since eating, smoking, and +so forth, naturally render the teeth and mouth dirty +more or less, and nothing can be so offensive, particularly +to ladies, whose sense of smell seems to be keener than +that of the other sex, and who can detect at your first +approach whether you have been drinking or smoking. +But, if only for your own comfort, you should brush +your teeth both morning and evening, which is quite +requisite for the preservation of their soundness and +color; while, if you are to mingle with others, they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">{124}</a></span> +should be brushed, or, at least, the mouth well rinsed +after every meal, still more after smoking, or drinking +wine, beer, or spirits. No amount of general attractiveness +can compensate for an offensive odor in the +breath; and none of the senses is so fine a gentleman, +none so unforgiving, if offended, as that of smell.</p> + +<p>“Strict attention must be paid to the condition of the +nails, and that both as regards cleaning and cutting. +The former is best done with a liberal supply of soap on +a small nail-brush, which should be used before every +meal, if you would not injure your neighbor’s appetite. +While the hand is still moist, the point of a small pen-knife +or pair of stumpy nail-scissors should be passed +under the nails so as to remove every vestige of dirt; +the skin should be pushed down with a towel, that the +white half-moon may be seen, and the finer skin removed +with the knife or scissors. Occasionally the edges of the +nails should be filed, and the hard skin which forms +round the corners of them cut away. The important +point in cutting the nails is to preserve the beauty of +their shape. That beauty, even in details, is worth preserving, +I have already remarked, and we may study it +as much in paring our nails, as in the grace of our attitudes, +or any other point. The shape, then, of the nail +should approach, as nearly as possible, to the oblong. +The length of the nail is an open question. Let it be +often cut, but always long, in my opinion. Above all, +let it be well cut, and <em>never</em> bitten.</p> + +<p>“Perhaps you tell me these are childish details. Details, +yes, but not childish. The attention to details is +the true sign of a great mind, and he who can in necessity<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">{125}</a></span> +consider the smallest, is the same man who can compass +the largest subjects. Is not life made up of details? +Must not the artist who has conceived a picture, descend +from the dream of his mind to mix colors on a palette? +Must not the great commander who is bowling down nations +and setting up monarchies care for the health and +comfort, the bread and beef of each individual soldier? +I have often seen a great poet, whom I knew personally, +counting on his fingers the feet of his verses, and fretting +with anything but poetic language, because he could +not get his sense into as many syllables. What if his +nails were dirty? Let genius talk of abstract beauty, and +philosophers dogmatize on order. If they do not keep +their nails clean, I shall call them both charlatans. The +man who really loves beauty will cultivate it in everything +around him. The man who upholds order is not +conscientious if he cannot observe it in his nails. The +great mind can afford to descend to details; it is only +the weak mind that fears to be narrowed by them. +When Napoleon was at Munich he declined the grand +four-poster of the Witelsbach family, and slept, as usual, +in his little camp-bed. The power to be little is a proof +of greatness.</p> + +<p>“For the hands, ears, and neck we want something +more than the bath, and, as these parts are exposed and +really lodge fugitive pollutions, we cannot use too much +soap, or give too much trouble to their complete purification. +Nothing is lovelier than a woman’s small, white, +shell-like ear; few things reconcile us better to earth +than the cold hand and warm heart of a friend; but, to +complete the charm, the hand should be both clean and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">{126}</a></span> +soft. Warm water, a liberal use of the nail-brush, and +no stint of soap, produce this amenity far more effectually +than honey, cold cream, and almond paste. Of +wearing gloves I shall speak elsewhere, but for weak +people who are troubled with chilblains, they are indispensable +all the year round. I will add a good prescription +for the cure of chilblains, which are both a +disfigurement, and one of the <i>petites misères</i> of human +life.</p> + +<p>“‘Roll the fingers in linen bandages, sew them up +well, and dip them twice or thrice a day in a mixture, +consisting of half a fluid ounce of tincture of capsicum, +and a fluid ounce of tincture of opium.’</p> + +<p>“The person who invented razors libelled Nature, and +added a fresh misery to the days of man.</p> + +<p>“Whatever <cite>Punch</cite> may say, the moustache and beard +movement is one in the right direction, proving that men +are beginning to appreciate beauty and to acknowledge +that Nature is the best valet. But it is very amusing to +hear men excusing their vanity on the plea of health, +and find them indulging in the hideous ‘Newgate frill’ +as a kind of compromise between the beard and the +razor. There was a time when it was thought a presumption +and vanity to wear one’s own hair instead of +the frightful elaborations of the wig-makers, and the +false curls which Sir Godfrey Kneller did his best to +make graceful on canvas. Who knows that at some future +age some <cite>Punch</cite> of the twenty-first century may +not ridicule the wearing of one’s own teeth instead of +the dentist’s? At any rate Nature knows best, and no +man need be ashamed of showing his manhood in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">{127}</a></span> +hair of his face. Of razors and shaving, therefore, I +shall only speak from necessity, because, until everybody +is sensible on this point, they will still be used.</p> + +<p>“Napoleon shaved himself. ‘A born king,’ said he, +‘has another to shave him. A made king can use his +own razor.’ But the war he made on his chin was very +different to that he made on foreign potentates. He +took a very long time to effect it, talking between whiles +to his hangers-on. The great man, however, was right, +and every sensible man will shave himself, if only as an +exercise of character, for a man should learn to live, in +every detail without assistance. Moreover, in most +cases, we shave ourselves better than barbers can do. +If we shave at all, we should do it thoroughly, and every +morning. Nothing, except a frown and a hay-fever, +makes the face look so unlovely as a chin covered with +short stubble. The chief requirements are hot water, a +large, soft brush of badger hair, a good razor, soft soap +that will not dry rapidly, and a steady hand. Cheap +razors are a fallacy. They soon lose their edge, and no +amount of stropping will restore it. A good razor needs +no strop. If you can afford it, you should have a case +of seven razors, one for each day of the week, so that +no one shall be too much used. There are now much +used packets of papers of a certain kind on which to +wipe the razor, and which keep its edge keen, and are a +substitute for the strop.</p> + +<p>“Beards, moustaches, and whiskers, have always been +most important additions to the face. In the present +day literary men are much given to their growth, and in +that respect show at once their taste and their vanity.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">{128}</a></span> +Let no man be ashamed of his beard, if it be well kept +and not fantastically cut. The moustache should be +kept within limits. The Hungarians wear it so long that +they can tie the ends round their heads. The style of +the beard should be adopted to suit the face. A broad +face should wear a large, full one; a long face is improved +by a sharp-pointed one. Taylor, the water poet, wrote +verses on the various styles, and they are almost numberless. +The chief point is to keep the beard well-combed +and in neat trim.</p> + +<p>“As to whiskers, it is not every man who can achieve +a pair of full length. There is certainly a great vanity +about them, but it may be generally said that foppishness +should be avoided in this as in most other points. Above +all, the whiskers should never be curled, nor pulled out to +an absurd length. Still worse is it to cut them close with +the scissors. The moustache should be neat and not too +large, and such fopperies as cutting the points thereof, +or twisting them up to the fineness of needles—though +patronized by the Emperor of the French—are decidedly +a proof of vanity. If a man wear the hair on his face +which nature has given him, in the manner that nature +distributes it, keeps it clean, and prevents its overgrowth, +he cannot do wrong. All extravagances are vulgar, +because they are evidence of a pretence to being better +than you are; but a single extravagance unsupported is +perhaps worse than a number together, which have at +least the merit of consistency. If you copy puppies in +the half-yard of whisker, you should have their dress +and their manner too, if you would not appear doubly +absurd.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">{129}</a></span> +“The same remarks apply to the arrangement of the +hair in men, which should be as simple and as natural as +possible, but at the same time a little may be granted to +beauty and the requirements of the face. For my part +I can see nothing unmanly in wearing long hair, though +undoubtedly it is inconvenient and a temptation to vanity, +while its arrangement would demand an amount of time +and attention which is unworthy of a man. But every +nation and every age has had a different custom in this +respect, and to this day even in Europe the hair is sometimes +worn long. The German student is particularly +partial to hyacinthine locks curling over a black velvet +coat; and the peasant of Brittany looks very handsome, +if not always clean, with his love-locks hanging straight +down under a broad cavalier hat. Religion has generally +taken up the matter severely. The old fathers +preached and railed against wigs, the Calvinists raised +an insurrection in Bordeaux on the same account, and +English Roundheads consigned to an unmentionable +place every man who allowed his hair to grow according +to nature. The Romans condemned tresses as unmanly, +and in France in the middle ages the privilege to wear +them was confined to royalty. Our modern custom was +a revival of the French revolution, so that in this respect +we are now republican as well as puritanical.</p> + +<p>“If we conform to fashion we should at least make the +best of it, and since the main advantage of short hair is +its neatness, we should take care to keep ours neat. +This should be done first by frequent visits to the barber, +for if the hair is to be short at all it should be very short, +and nothing looks more untidy than long, stiff, uncurled<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">{130}</a></span> +masses sticking out over the ears. If it curls naturally +so much the better, but if not it will be easier to keep in +order. The next point is to wash the head every morning, +which, when once habitual, is a great preservative +against cold. A pair of large brushes, hard or soft, as +your case requires, should be used, not to hammer the +head with, but to pass up under the hair so as to reach +the roots. As to pomatum, Macassar, and other inventions +of the hair-dresser, I have only to say that, if used +at all, it should be in moderation, and never sufficiently +to make their scent perceptible in company. Of course +the arrangement will be a matter of individual taste, but +as the middle of the hair is the natural place for a parting, +it is rather a silly prejudice to think a man vain who +parts his hair in the centre. He is less blamable than +one who is too lazy to part it at all, and has always the +appearance of having just got up.</p> + +<p>“Of wigs and false hair, the subject of satires and +sermons since the days of the Roman Emperors, I shall +say nothing here except that they are a practical falsehood +which may sometimes be necessary, but is rarely +successful. For my part I prefer the snows of life’s +winter to the best made peruke, and even a bald head to +an inferior wig.</p> + +<p>“When gentlemen wore armor, and disdained the use +of their legs, an esquire was a necessity; and we can +understand that, in the days of the Beaux, the word +“gentleman” meant a man and his valet. I am glad to +say that in the present day it only takes one man to +make a gentleman, or, at most, a man and a ninth—that +is, including the tailor. It is an excellent thing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">{131}</a></span> +for the character to be neat and orderly, and, if a man +neglects to be so in his room, he is open to the same +temptation sooner or later in his person. A dressing-case +is, therefore, a desideratum. A closet to hang up cloth +clothes, which should never be folded, and a small dressing-room +next to the bed-room, are not so easily attainable. +But the man who throws his clothes about the +room, a boot in one corner, a cravat in another, and his +brushes anywhere, is not a man of good habits. The +spirit of order should extend to everything about him.</p> + +<p>“This brings me to speak of certain necessities of +dress; the first of which I shall take is appropriateness. +The age of the individual is an important consideration +in this respect; and a man of sixty is as absurd in the +style of nineteen as a young man in the high cravat of +Brummell’s day. I know a gallant colonel who is master +of the ceremonies in a gay watering-place, and who, +afraid of the prim old-fashioned <i>tournure</i> of his <i>confrères</i> +in similar localities, is to be seen, though his hair is gray +and his age not under five-and-sixty, in a light cut-away, +the ‘peg-top’ continuations, and a turned-down collar. +It may be what younger blades will wear when they +reach his age, but in the present day the effect is ridiculous. +We may, therefore, give as a general rule, that +after the turning-point of life a man should eschew the +changes of fashion in his own attire, while he avoids +complaining of it in the young. In the latter, on the +other hand, the observance of these changes must depend +partly on his taste and partly on his position. If +wise, he will adopt with alacrity any new fashions which +improve the grace, the ease, the healthfulness, and the convenience<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">{132}</a></span> +of his garments. He will be glad of greater freedom +in the cut of his cloth clothes, of boots with elastic sides +instead of troublesome buttons or laces, of the privilege +to turn down his collar, and so forth, while he will avoid +as extravagant, elaborate shirt-fronts, gold bindings on +the waistcoat, and expensive buttons. On the other +hand, whatever his age, he will have some respect to his +profession and position in society. He will remember +how much the appearance of the man aids a judgment +of his character, and this test, which has often been cried +down, is in reality no bad one; for a man who does not +dress appropriately evinces a want of what is most necessary +to professional men—tact and discretion.</p> + +<p>“Position in society demands appropriateness. Well +knowing the worldly value of a good coat, I would yet +never recommend a man of limited means to aspire to +a fashionable appearance. In the first place, he becomes +thereby a walking falsehood; in the second, he cannot, +without running into debt, which is another term for dishonesty, +maintain the style he has adopted. As he cannot +afford to change his suits as rapidly as fashion alters, +he must avoid following it in varying details. He will +rush into wide sleeves one month, in the hope of being +fashionable, and before his coat is worn out, the next +month will bring in a narrow sleeve. We cannot, unfortunately, +like Samuel Pepys, take a long cloak now-a-days +to the tailor’s, to be cut into a short one, ‘long +cloaks being now quite out,’ as he tells us. Even when +there is no poverty in the case, our position must not +be forgotten. The tradesman will win neither customers +nor friends by adorning himself in the mode of the club-lounger,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">{133}</a></span> +and the clerk, or commercial traveler, who +dresses fashionably, lays himself open to inquiries as to +his antecedents, which he may not care to have investigated. +In general, it may be said that there is vulgarity +in dressing like those of a class above us, since it must +be taken as a proof of pretension.</p> + +<p>“As it is bad taste to flaunt the airs of the town +among the provincials, who know nothing of them, it is +worse taste to display the dress of a city in the quiet +haunts of the rustics. The law, that all attempts at distinction +by means of dress is vulgar and pretentious, +would be sufficient argument against wearing city fashions +in the country.</p> + +<p>“While in most cases a rougher and easier mode of +dress is both admissible and desirable in the country, +there are many occasions of country visiting where a +town man finds it difficult to decide. It is almost peculiar +to the country to unite the amusements of the daytime +with those of the evening; of the open air with +those of the drawing-room. Thus, in the summer, when +the days are long, you will be asked to a pic-nic or an +archery party, which will wind up with dancing in-doors, +and may even assume the character of a ball. If you +are aware of this beforehand, it will always be safe to +send your evening dress to your host’s house, and you +will learn from the servants whether others have done +the same, and whether, therefore, you will not be singular +in asking leave to change your costume. But if you +are ignorant how the day is to end, you must be guided +partly by the hour of invitation, and partly by the extent +of your intimacy with the family. I have actually<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">{134}</a></span> +known gentlemen arrive at a large pic-nic at mid-day in +complete evening dress, and pitied them with all my +heart, compelled as they were to suffer, in tight black +clothes, under a hot sun for eight hours, and dance after +all in the same dress. On the other hand, if you are +asked to come an hour or two before sunset, after six in +summer, in the autumn after five, you cannot err by +appearing in evening dress. It is always taken as a +compliment to do so, and if your acquaintance with your +hostess is slight, it would be almost a familiarity to do +otherwise. In any case you desire to avoid singularity, +so that if you can discover what others who are invited +intend to wear, you can always decide on your own +attire. In Europe there is a convenient rule for these +matters; never appear after four in the afternoon in +morning dress; but then gray trousers are there allowed +instead of black, and white waistcoats are still worn in +the evening. At any rate, it is possible to effect a compromise +between the two styles of costume, and if you +are likely to be called upon to dance in the evening, it +will be well to wear thin boots, a black frock-coat, and +a small black neck-tie, and to put a pair of clean white +gloves in your pocket. You will thus be at least less +conspicuous in the dancing-room than in a light tweed +suit.</p> + +<p>“Not so the distinction to be made according to size. +As a rule, tall men require long clothes—some few perhaps +even in the nurse’s sense of those words—and short +men short clothes. On the other hand, Falstaff should +beware of Jenny Wren coats and affect ample wrappers, +while Peter Schlemihl, and the whole race of thin men,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">{135}</a></span> +must eschew looseness as much in their garments as their +morals.</p> + +<p>“Lastly we come to what is appropriate to different +occasions, and as this is an important subject, I shall +treat of it separately. For the present it is sufficient to +point out that, while every man should avoid not only +extravagance, but even brilliance of dress on ordinary +occasions, there are some on which he may and ought to +pay more attention to his toilet, and attempt to look gay. +Of course, the evenings are not here meant. For evening +dress there is a fixed rule, from which we can depart +only to be foppish or vulgar; but in morning dress there +is greater liberty, and when we undertake to mingle with +those who are assembled avowedly for gayety, we should +not make ourselves remarkable by the dinginess of our +dress. Such occasions are open air entertainments, +<i>fêtes</i>, flower-shows, archery-meetings, <i>matinées</i>, and <i>id +genus omne</i>, where much of the pleasure to be derived depends +on the general effect on the enjoyers, and where, +if we cannot pump up a look of mirth, we should, at +least, if we go at all, wear the semblance of it in our +dress. I have a worthy little friend, who, I believe, is +as well disposed to his kind as Lord Shaftesbury himself, +but who, for some reason, perhaps a twinge of philosophy +about him, frequents the gay meetings to which he is +asked in an old coat and a wide-awake. Some people +take him for a wit, but he soon shows that he does not +aspire to that character; others for a philosopher, but he +is too good-mannered for that; others, poor man! pronounce +him a cynic, and all are agreed that whatever +he may be, he looks out of place, and spoils the general<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">{136}</a></span> +effect. I believe, in my heart, that he is the mildest of +men, but will not take the trouble to dress more than +once a day. At any rate, he has a character for eccentricity, +which, I am sure, is precisely what he would wish +to avoid. That character is a most delightful one for a +bachelor, and it is generally Cœlebs who holds it, for it +has been proved by statistics that there are four single +to one married man among the inhabitants of our madhouses; +but eccentricity yields a reputation which requires +something to uphold it, and even in Diogenes of +the Tub it was extremely bad taste to force himself into +Plato’s evening party without sandals, and nothing but +a dirty tunic on him.</p> + +<p>“Another requisite in dress is its simplicity, with +which I may couple harmony of color. This simplicity +is the only distinction which a man of taste should aspire +to in the matter of dress, but a simplicity in appearance +must proceed from a nicety in reality. One +should not be simply ill-dressed, but simply well-dressed. +Lord Castlereagh would never have been pronounced the +most distinguished man in the gay court of Vienna, because +he wore no orders or ribbons among hundreds +decorated with a profusion of those vanities, but because +besides this he was dressed with taste. The charm of +Brummell’s dress was its simplicity; yet it cost him as +much thought, time, and care as the portfolio of a minister. +The rules of simplicity, therefore, are the rules +of taste. All extravagance, all splendor, and all profusion +must be avoided. The colors, in the first place, +must harmonize both with our complexion and with one +another; perhaps most of all with the color of our hair.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">{137}</a></span> +All bright colors should be avoided, such as red, yellow, +sky-blue, and bright green. Perhaps only a successful +Australian gold digger would think of choosing such +colors for his coat, waistcoat, or trousers; but there are +hundreds of young men who might select them for their +gloves and neck-ties. The deeper colors are, some how +or other, more manly, and are certainly less striking. +The same simplicity should be studied in the avoidance +of ornamentation. A few years ago it was the fashion +to trim the evening waistcoat with a border of gold lace. +This is an example of fashions always to be rebelled +against. Then, too, extravagance in the form of our +dress is a sin against taste. I remember that long ribbons +took the place of neck-ties some years ago. At a +commemoration, two friends of mine determined to cut a +figure in this matter, having little else to distinguish +them. The one wore two yards of bright pink; the +other the same quantity of bright blue ribbon, round +their necks. I have reason to believe they think now +that they both looked superbly ridiculous. In the same +way, if the trousers are worn wide, we should not wear +them as loose as a Turk’s; or, if the sleeves are to be +open, we should not rival the ladies in this matter. And +so on through a hundred details, generally remembering +that to exaggerate a fashion is to assume a character, +and therefore vulgar. The wearing of jewelry comes +under this head. Jewels are an ornament to women, +but a blemish to men. They bespeak either effeminacy +or a love of display. The hand of a man is honored in +working, for labor is his mission; and the hand that +wears its riches on its fingers, has rarely worked honestly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">{138}</a></span> +to win them. The best jewel a man can wear is his +honor. Let that be bright and shining, well set in prudence, +and all others must darken before it. But as we +are savages, and must have some silly trickery to hang +about us, a little, but very little concession may be made +to our taste in this respect. I am quite serious when I +disadvise you from the use of nose-rings, gold anklets, and +hat-bands studded with jewels; for when I see an incredulous +young man of the nineteenth century, dangling +from his watch-chain a dozen silly ‘charms’ (often the +only ones he possesses), which have no other use than to +give a fair coquette a legitimate subject on which to approach +to closer intimacy, and which are revived from +the lowest superstitions of dark ages, and sometimes +darker races, I am quite justified in believing that some +South African chieftain, sufficiently rich to cut a dash, +might introduce with success the most peculiar fashions +of his own country. However this may be, there are already +sufficient extravagances prevalent among our +young men to attack.</p> + +<p>“The man of good taste will wear as little jewelry as +possible. One handsome signet-ring on the little finger +of the left hand, a scarf-pin which is neither large, nor +showy, nor too intricate in its design, and a light, rather +thin watch-guard with a cross-bar, are all that he ought +to wear. But, if he aspires to more than this, he should +observe the following rules:—</p> + +<p>“1. Let everything be real and good. False jewelry is +not only a practical lie, but an absolute vulgarity, since +its use arises from an attempt to appear richer or grander +than its wearer is.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">{139}</a></span> +“2. Let it be simple. Elaborate studs, waistcoat-buttons, +and wrist-links, are all abominable. The last, particularly, +should be as plain as possible, consisting of plain +gold ovals, with, at most, the crest engraved upon them. +Diamonds and brilliants are quite unsuitable to men, +whose jewelry should never be conspicuous. If you +happen to possess a single diamond of great value you +may wear it on great occasions as a ring, but no more +than one ring should ever be worn by a gentleman.</p> + +<p>“3. Let it be distinguished rather by its curiosity than +its brilliance. An antique or bit of old jewelry possesses +more interest, particularly if you are able to tell +its history, than the most splendid production of the +goldsmith’s shop.</p> + +<p>“4. Let it harmonize with the colors of your dress.</p> + +<p>“5. Let it have some use. Men should never, like +women, wear jewels for mere ornament, whatever may +be the fashion of Hungarian noblemen, and deposed Indian +rajahs with jackets covered with rubies.</p> + +<p>“The precious stones are reserved for ladies, and +even our scarf-pins are more suitable without them.</p> + +<p>“The dress that is both appropriate and simple can +never offend, nor render its wearer conspicuous, though +it may distinguish him for his good taste. But it will +not be pleasing unless clean and fresh. We cannot +quarrel with a poor gentleman’s thread-bare coat, if his +linen be pure, and we see that he has never attempted +to dress beyond his means or unsuitably to his station. +But the sight of decayed gentility and dilapidated fashion +may call forth our pity, and, at the same time prompt a +moral: ‘You have evidently sunken;’ we say to ourselves;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">{140}</a></span> +‘But whose fault was it? Am I not led to suppose +that the extravagance which you evidently once +revelled in has brought you to what I now see you?’ +While freshness is essential to being well-dressed, it will +be a consolation to those who cannot afford a heavy +tailor’s bill, to reflect that a visible newness in one’s +clothes is as bad as patches and darns, and to remember +that there have been celebrated dressers who would never +put on a new coat till it had been worn two or three +times by their valets. On the other hand, there is no +excuse for untidiness, holes in the boots, a broken hat, +torn gloves, and so on. Indeed, it is better to wear no +gloves at all than a pair full of holes. There is nothing +to be ashamed of in bare hands, if they are clean, and +the poor can still afford to have their shirts and shoes +mended, and their hats ironed. It is certainly better to +show signs of neatness than the reverse, and you need +sooner be ashamed of a hole than a darn.</p> + +<p>“Of personal cleanliness I have spoken at such length +that little need be said on that of the clothes. If you +are economical with your tailor, you can be extravagant +with your laundress. The beaux of forty years back +put on three shirts a day, but except in hot weather one +is sufficient. Of course, if you change your dress in the +evening you must change your shirt too. There has +been a great outcry against colored flannel shirts in the +place of linen, and the man who can wear one for three +days is looked on as little better than St. Simeon Stylites. +I should like to know how often the advocates of +linen change their own under-flannel, and whether the +same rule does not apply to what is seen as to what is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">{141}</a></span> +concealed. But while the flannel is perhaps healthier +as absorbing the moisture more rapidly, the linen has +the advantage of <em>looking</em> cleaner, and may therefore be +preferred. As to economy, if the flannel costs less to +wash, it also wears out sooner; but, be this as it may, a +man’s wardrobe is not complete without half a dozen or +so of these shirts, which he will find most useful, and ten +times more comfortable than linen in long excursions, or +when exertion will be required. Flannel, too, has the +advantage of being warm in winter and cool in summer, +for, being a non-conductor, but a retainer of heat, it protects +the body from the sun, and, on the other hand, +shields it from the cold. But the best shirt of all, particularly +in winter, is that which wily monks and hermits +pretended to wear for a penance, well knowing that +they could have no garment cooler, more comfortable, +or more healthy. I mean, of course, the rough hair-shirt. +Like flannel, it is a non-conductor of heat; but +then, too, it acts the part of a shampooer, and with its +perpetual friction soothes the surface of the skin, and +prevents the circulation from being arrested at any one +point of the body. Though I doubt if any of my readers +will take a hint from the wisdom of the merry anchorites, +they will perhaps allow me to suggest that the +next best thing to wear next the skin is flannel, and that +too of the coarsest description.</p> + +<p>“Quantity is better than quality in linen. Nevertheless +it should be fine and well spun. The loose cuff, +which we borrowed from the French some four years +ago, is a great improvement on the old tight wrist-band, +and, indeed, it must be borne in mind that anything<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">{142}</a></span> +which binds any part of the body tightly impedes the +circulation, and is therefore unhealthy as well as ungraceful.</p> + +<p>“The necessity for a large stock of linen depends on +a rule far better than Brummell’s, of three shirts a day, +viz:—</p> + +<p>“Change your linen whenever it is at all dirty.</p> + +<p>“This is the best guide with regard to collars, socks, +pocket-handkerchiefs, and our under garments. No +rule can be laid down for the number we should wear +per week, for everything depends on circumstances. +Thus in the country all our linen remains longer clean +than in town; in dirty, wet, or dusty weather, our socks +get soon dirty and must be changed; or, if we have a +cold, to say nothing of the possible but not probable +case of tear-shedding on the departure of friends, we +shall want more than one pocket-handkerchief per +diem. In fact, the last article of modern civilization is +put to so many uses, is so much displayed, and liable to +be called into action on so many various engagements, +that we should always have a clean one in our pockets. +Who knows when it may not serve us is in good stead? +Who can tell how often the corner of the delicate cambric +will have to represent a tear which, like difficult +passages in novels is ‘left to the imagination.’ Can a +man of any feeling call on a disconsolate widow, for instance, +and listen to her woes, without at least pulling +out that expressive appendage? Can any one believe +in our sympathy if the article in question is a dirty one? +There are some people who, like the clouds, only exist +to weep; and King Solomon, though not one of them,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">{143}</a></span> +has given them great encouragement in speaking of the +house of mourning. We are bound to weep with them, +and we are bound to weep elegantly.</p> + +<p>“A man whose dress is neat, clean, simple, and appropriate, +will pass muster anywhere.</p> + +<p>“A well-dressed man does not require so much an +extensive as a varied wardrobe. He wants a different +costume for every season and every occasion; but if +what he selects is simple rather than striking, he may +appear in the same clothes as often as he likes, as long +as they are fresh and appropriate to the season and the +object. There are four kinds of coats which he must +have: a morning-coat, a frock-coat, a dress-coat, and an +over-coat. An economical man may do well with four +of the first, and one of each of the others per annum. +The dress of a gentleman in the present day should not +cost him more than the tenth part of his income on an +average. But as fortunes vary more than position, if +his income is large it will take a much smaller proportion, +if small a larger one. If a man, however, mixes in +society, and I write for those who do so, there are some +things which are indispensable to even the proper dressing, +and every occasion will have its proper attire.</p> + +<p>“In his own house then, and in the morning, there is +no reason why he should not wear out his old clothes. +Some men take to the delightful ease of a dressing-gown +and slippers; and if bachelors, they do well. If family +men, it will probably depend on whether the lady or the +gentleman wears the pantaloons. The best walking-dress +for a non-professional man is a suit of tweed of the +same color, ordinary boots, gloves not too dark for the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">{144}</a></span> +coat, a scarf with a pin in winter, or a small tie of one +color in summer, a respectable black hat and a cane. The +last item is perhaps the most important, and though its +use varies with fashion, I confess I am sorry when I see +it go out. The best substitute for a walking-stick is an +umbrella, <em>not</em> a parasol unless it be given you by a lady +to carry. The main point of the walking-dress is the +harmony of colors, but this should not be carried to the +extent of M. de Maltzan, who some years ago made a +bet to wear nothing but pink at Baden-Baden for a +whole year, and had boots and gloves of the same lively +hue. He won his wager, but also the soubriquet of ‘Le +Diable enflammé.’ The walking-dress should vary according +to the place and hour. In the country or at +the sea-side a straw hat or wide-awake may take the +place of the beaver, and the nuisance of gloves be even +dispensed with in the former. But in the city where a +man is supposed to make visits as well as lounge in the +street, the frock coat of very dark blue or black, or a +black cloth cut-away, the white waistcoat, and lavender +gloves, are almost indispensable. Very thin boots should +be avoided at all times, and whatever clothes one wears +they should be well brushed. The shirt, whether seen +or not, should be quite plain. The shirt collar should +never have a color on it, but it may be stiff or turned +down according as the wearer is Byronically or Brummellically +disposed. The scarf, if simple and of modest +colors, is perhaps the best thing we can wear round the +neck; but if a neck-tie is preferred it should not be too +long, nor tied in too stiff and studied a manner. The +cane should be extremely simple, a mere stick in fact,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">{145}</a></span> +with no gold head, and yet for the town not rough, thick, +or clumsy. The frock-coat should be ample and loose, +and a tall well-built man may throw it back. At any +rate, it should never be buttoned up. Great-coats should +be buttoned up, of a dark color, not quite black, longer +than the frock-coat, but never long enough to reach the +ankles. If you have visits to make you should do away +with the great-coat, if the weather allows you to do so. +The frock-coat, or black cut-away, with a white waistcoat +in summer, is the best dress for making calls in.</p> + +<p>“It is simple nonsense to talk of modern civilization, +and rejoice that the cruelties of the dark ages can never +be perpetrated in these days and this country. I maintain +that they are perpetrated freely, generally, daily, +with the consent of the wretched victim himself, in the +compulsion to wear evening clothes. Is there anything +at once more comfortless or more hideous? Let us begin +with what the delicate call limb-covers, which we are +told were the invention of the Gauls, but I am inclined +to think, of a much worse race, for it is clearly an anachronism +to ascribe the discovery to a Venetian called +Piantaleone, and it can only have been Inquisitors or +demons who inflicted this scourge on the race of man, +and his ninth-parts, the tailors, for I take it that both +are equally bothered by the tight pantaloon. Let us +pause awhile over this unsightly garment, and console +ourselves with the reflection that as every country, and +almost every year, has a different fashion in its make of +it, we may at last be emancipated from it altogether, or +at least be able to wear it <i>à la Turque</i>.</p> + +<p>“But it is not all trousers that I rebel against. If<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">{146}</a></span> +I might wear linen appendices in summer, and fur continuations +in winter, I would not groan, but it is the +evening-dress that inflicts on the man who likes society +the necessity of wearing the same trying cloth all the +year round, so that under Boreas he catches colds, and +under the dog-star he melts. This unmentionable, but +most necessary disguise of the ‘human form divine,’ is +one that never varies in this country, and therefore I +must lay down the rule:—</p> + +<p>“For all evening wear—black cloth trousers.</p> + +<p>“But the tortures of evening dress do not end with +our lower limbs. Of all the iniquities perpetrated under +the Reign of Terror, none has lasted so long as that of +the strait-jacket, which was palmed off on the people as +a ‘habit de compagnie.’ If it were necessary to sing a +hymn of praise to Robespierre, Marat, and Co., I would +rather take the guillotine as my subject to extol than the +swallow tail. And yet we endure the stiffness, unsightliness, +uncomfortableness, and want of grace of the latter, +with more resignation than that with which Charlotte +Corday put her beautiful neck into the ‘trou d’enfer’ +of the former. Fortunately modern republicanism +has triumphed over ancient etiquette, and the tail-coat +of to-day is looser and more easy than it was twenty +years ago. I can only say, let us never strive to make +it bearable, till we have abolished it. Let us abjure +such vulgarities as silk collars, white silk linings, and so +forth, which attempt to beautify this monstrosity, as a +hangman might wreathe his gallows with roses. The +plainer the manner in which you wear your misery, the +better.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">{147}</a></span> +“Then, again, the black waistcoat, stiff, tight, and +comfortless. Fancy Falstaff in a ball-dress such as we +now wear. No amount of embroidery, gold-trimmings, +or jewel-buttons will render such an infliction grateful +to the mass. The best plan is to wear thorough mourning +for your wretchedness. In France and America, +the cooler white waistcoat is admitted. However, as we +have it, let us make the best of it, and not parade our +misery by hideous ornamentation. The only evening +waistcoat for all purposes for a man of taste is one of +simple black, with the simplest possible buttons.</p> + +<p>“These three items never vary for dinner-party, muffin-worry, +or ball. The only distinction allowed is in the +neck-tie. For dinner, the opera, and balls, this must be +white, and the smaller the better. It should be too, of +a washable texture, not silk, nor netted, nor hanging +down, nor of any foppish production, but a simple, white +tie, without embroidery. The black tie is admitted for +evening parties, and should be equally simple. The +shirt-front, which figures under the tie should be plain, +with unpretending small plaits. The glove must be +white, not yellow. Recently, indeed, a fashion has +sprung up of wearing lavender gloves in the evening. +They are economical, and as all economy is an abomination, +must be avoided. Gloves should always be worn +at a ball. At a dinner-party in town they should be +worn on entering the room, and drawn off for dinner. +While, on the one hand, we must avoid the awkwardness +of a gallant sea-captain who, wearing no gloves at a +dance, excused himself to his partner by saying, ‘Never +mind, miss, I can wash my hands when I’ve done dancing,’<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">{148}</a></span> +we have no need, in the present day, to copy the +Roman gentleman mentioned by Athenæus, who wore +gloves at dinner that he might pick his meat from the +hot dishes more rapidly than the bare-handed guests. +As to gloves at tea-parties and so forth, we are generally +safer with than without them. If it is quite a small +party, we may leave them in our pocket, and in the +country they are scarcely expected to be worn; but +‘touch not a cat but with a glove;’ you are always safer +with them.</p> + +<p>“I must not quit this subject without assuring myself +that my reader knows more about it now than he did before. +In fact I have taken one thing for granted, viz., +that he knows what it is to be dressed, and what undressed. +Of course I do not suppose him to be in the +blissful state of ignorance on the subject once enjoyed +by our first parents. I use the words ‘dressed’ and ‘undressed’ +rather in the sense meant by a military tailor, +or a cook with reference to a salad. You need not be +shocked. I am one of those people who wear spectacles +for fear of seeing anything with the naked eye. I am +the soul of scrupulosity. But I am wondering whether +everybody arranges his wardrobe as our ungrammatical +nurses used to do ours, under the heads of ‘best, second-best, +third-best,’ and so on, and knows what things ought +to be placed under each. To be ‘undressed’ is to be +dressed for work and ordinary occupations, to wear a +coat which you do not fear to spoil, and a neck-tie which +your ink-stand will not object to, but your acquaintance +might. To be ‘dressed,’ on the other hand, since by +dress we show our respect for society at large, or the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">{149}</a></span> +persons with whom we are to mingle, is to be clothed in +the garments which the said society pronounces as suitable +to particular occasions; so that evening dress in the +morning, morning dress in the evening, and top boots +and a red coat for walking, may all be called ‘undress,’ +if not positively ‘bad dress.’ But there are shades of +being ‘dressed;’ and a man is called ‘little dressed,’ +‘well dressed,’ and ‘much dressed,’ not according to the +quantity but the quality of his coverings.</p> + +<p>“To be ‘little dressed,’ is to wear old things, of a +make that is no longer the fashion, having no pretension +to elegance, artistic beauty, or ornament. It is also to +wear lounging clothes on occasions which demand some +amount of precision. To be ‘much dressed’ is to be in +the extreme of the fashion, with bran new clothes, +jewelry, and ornaments, with a touch of extravagance +and gaiety in your colors. Thus to wear patent leather +boots and yellow gloves in a quiet morning stroll is to +be much dressed, and certainly does not differ immensely +from being badly dressed. To be ‘well dressed’ is the +happy medium between these two, which is not given to +every one to hold, inasmuch as good taste is rare, and is +a <i>sine quâ non</i> thereof. Thus while you avoid ornament +and all fastness, you must cultivate fashion, that is <em>good</em> +fashion, in the make of your clothes. A man must not +be made by his tailor, but should make him, educate him, +give him his own good taste. To be well dressed is to +be dressed precisely as the occasion, place, weather, your +height, figure, position, age, and, remember it, your +<em>means</em> require. It is to be clothed without peculiarity, +pretension, or eccentricity; without violent colors, elaborate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">{150}</a></span> +ornament, or senseless fashions, introduced, often, +by tailors for their own profit. Good dressing is to wear +as little jewelry as possible, to be scrupulously neat, +clean, and fresh, and to carry your clothes as if you did +not give them a thought.</p> + +<p>“Then, too, there is a scale of honor among clothes, +which must not be forgotten. Thus, a new coat is more +honorable than an old one, a cut-away or shooting-coat +than a dressing-gown, a frock-coat than a cut-away, a +dark blue frock-coat than a black frock-coat, a tail-coat +than a frock-coat. There is no honor at all in a blue +tail-coat, however, except on a gentleman of eighty, accompanied +with brass buttons and a buff waistcoat. +There is more honor in an old hunting-coat than in a +new one, in a uniform with a bullet hole in it than one +without, in a fustian jacket and smock-frock than in a +frock-coat, because they are types of labor, which is far +more honorable than lounging. Again, light clothes are +generally placed above dark ones, because they cannot +be so long worn, and are, therefore, proofs of expenditure, +<i>alias</i> money, which in this world is a commodity +more honored than every other; but, on the other +hand, tasteful dress is always more honorable than that +which has only cost much. Light gloves are more esteemed +than dark ones, and the prince of glove-colors is, +undeniably, lavender.</p> + +<p>“‘I should say Jones was a fast man,’ said a friend to +me one day, ‘for he wears a white hat.’ If this idea of +my companion’s be right, fastness may be said to consist +mainly in peculiarity. There is certainly only one step +from the sublimity of fastness to the ridiculousness of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">{151}</a></span> +snobbery, and it is not always easy to say where the +one ends and the other begins. A dandy, on the other +hand, is the clothes on a man, not a man in clothes, a +living lay figure who displays much dress, and is quite +satisfied if you praise it without taking heed of him. A +bear is in the opposite extreme; never dressed enough, +and always very roughly; but he is almost as bad as the +other, for he sacrifices everything to his ease and comfort. +The off-hand style of dress only suits an off-hand +character. It was, at one time, the fashion to affect a +certain negligence, which was called poetic, and supposed +to be the result of genius. An ill-tied, if not positively +untied cravat was a sure sign of an unbridled imagination; +and a waistcoat was held together by one button +only, as if the swelling soul in the wearer’s bosom had +burst all the rest. If, in addition to this, the hair was +unbrushed and curly, you were certain of passing for a +‘man of soul.’ I should not recommend any young gentleman +to adopt this style, unless, indeed, he can mouth +a great deal, and has a good stock of quotations from +the poets. It is of no use to show me the clouds, unless +I can positively see you in them, and no amount of negligence +in your dress and person will convince me you +are a genius, unless you produce an octavo volume of +poems published by yourself. I confess I am glad that +the <i>négligé</i> style, so common in novels of ten years back, +has been succeeded by neatness. What we want is real +ease in the clothes, and, for my part, I should rejoice to +see the Knickerbocker style generally adopted.</p> + +<p>“Besides the ordinary occasions treated of before, +there are several special occasions requiring a change<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">{152}</a></span> +of dress. Most of our sports, together with marriage +(which some people include in sports), come under this +head. Now, the less change we make the better in the +present day, particularly in the sports, where, if we are +dressed with scrupulous accuracy, we are liable to be +subjected to a comparison between our clothes and our +skill. A man who wears a red coat to hunt in, should +be able to hunt, and not sneak through gates or dodge +over gaps. A few remarks on dresses worn in different +sports may be useful. Having laid down the rule that a +strict accuracy of sporting costume is no longer in good +taste, we can dismiss shooting and fishing at once, with +the warning that we must not dress <em>well</em> for either. An +old coat with large pockets, gaiters in one case, and, if +necessary, large boots in the other, thick shoes at any +rate, a wide-awake, and a well-filled bag or basket at +the end of the day, make up a most respectable sportsman +of the lesser kind. Then for cricket you want +nothing more unusual than flannel trousers, which should +be quite plain, unless your club has adopted some colored +stripe thereon, a colored flannel shirt of no very violent +hue, the same colored cap, shoes with spikes in them, +and a great coat.</p> + +<p>“For hunting, lastly, you have to make more change, +if only to insure your own comfort and safety. Thus +cord-breeches and some kind of boots are indispensable. +So are spurs, so a hunting-whip or crop; so too, if you +do not wear a hat, is the strong round cap that is to +save your valuable skull from cracking if you are thrown +on your head. Again, I should pity the man who would +attempt to hunt in a frock-coat or a dress-coat; and a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">{153}</a></span> +scarf with a pin in it is much more convenient than a +tie. But beyond these you need nothing out of the common +way, but a pocketful of money. The red coat, for +instance, is only worn by regular members of a hunt, and +boys who ride over the hounds and like to display their +‘pinks.’ In any case you are better with an ordinary +riding-coat of dark color, though undoubtedly the red is +prettier in the field. If you <em>will</em> wear the latter, see +that it is cut square, for the swallow-tail is obsolete, and +worn only by the fine old boys who ‘hunted, sir, fifty +years ago, sir, when I was a boy of fifteen, sir. Those +<em>were</em> hunting days, sir; such runs and such leaps.’ +Again, your ‘cords’ should be light in color and fine in +quality; your waistcoat, if with a red coat, quite light +too; your scarf of cashmere, of a buff color, and fastened +with a small simple gold pin; your hat should be old, +and your cap of dark green or black velvet, plated inside, +and with a small stiff peak, should be made to look +old. Lastly, for a choice of boots. The Hessians are +more easily cleaned, and therefore less expensive to keep; +the ‘tops’ are more natty. Brummell, who cared more +for the hunting-dress than the hunting itself, introduced +the fashion of pipe-claying the tops of the latter, +but the old original ‘mahoganies,’ of which the upper +leathers are simply polished, seem to be coming into +fashion again.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">{154}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII.<br /> +<span class="sub">MANLY EXERCISES.</span></h2> + +<p>Bodily exercise is one of the most important means +provided by nature for the maintenance of health, and +in order to prove the advantages of exercise, we must +show what is to be exercised, why exercise is necessary, +and the various modes in which it may be taken.</p> + +<p>The human body may be regarded as a wonderful +machine, the various parts of which are so wonderfully +adapted to each other, that if one be disturbed all must +suffer. The bones and muscles are the parts of the human +frame on which motion depends. There are four +hundred muscles in the body; each one has certain +functions to perform, which cannot be disturbed without +danger to the whole. They assist the tendons in keeping +the bones in their places, and put them in motion. +Whether we walk or run, sit or stoop, bend the arm or +head, or chew our food, we may be said to open and shut +a number of hinges, or ball and socket joints. And it +is a wise provision of nature, that, to a certain extent, +the more the muscles are exercised, the stronger do they +become; hence it is that laborers and artisans are +stronger and more muscular than those persons whose<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">{155}</a></span> +lives are passed in easy occupations or professional duties.</p> + +<p>Besides strengthening the limbs, muscular exercise +has a most beneficial influence on respiration and the +circulation of the blood. The larger blood-vessels are +generally placed deep among the muscles, consequently +when the latter are put into motion, the blood is driven +through the arteries and veins with much greater rapidity +than when there is no exercise; it is more completely +purified, as the action of the insensible perspiration +is promoted, which relieves the blood of many irritating +matters, chiefly carbonic acid and certain salts, +taken up in its passage through the system, and a feeling +of lightness and cheerfulness is diffused over body +and mind.</p> + +<p>We have said that a good state of health depends in a +great measure on the proper exercise of <em>all the muscles</em>. +But on looking at the greater portion of our industrial +population,—artisans and workers in factories generally—we +find them, in numerous instances, standing or sitting +in forced or unnatural positions, using only a few +of their muscles, while the others remain, comparatively +speaking, unused or inactive. Sawyers, filers, tailors, +and many others may be easily recognized as they walk +the streets, by the awkward movement and bearing impressed +upon them by long habit. The stooping position +especially tells most fatally upon the health; weavers, +shoemakers, and cotton-spinners have generally a sallow +and sickly appearance, very different from that of those +whose occupation does not require them to stoop, or to +remain long in a hurtful posture. Their common affections<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">{156}</a></span> +are indigestion and dull headache, with giddiness +especially during summer. They attribute their complaints +to two causes, one of which is the posture of the +body, bent for twelve or thirteen hours a day, the other +the heat of the working-room.</p> + +<p>Besides the trades above enumerated, there are many +others productive of similar evils by the position into +which they compel workmen, or by the close and confined +places in which they are carried on; and others, +again, in their very natures injurious. Plumbers and +painters suffer from the noxious materials which they are +constantly using, grinders and filers from dust, and +bakers from extremes of temperature and irregular hours. +Wherever there is physical depression, there is a disposition +to resort to injurious stimulants; and “the time of +relief from work is generally spent, not in invigorating +the animal frame, but in aggravating complaints, and +converting functional into organic disease.”</p> + +<p>But there are others who suffer from artificial poisons +and defective exercise as well as artisans and operatives—the +numerous class of shopkeepers; the author above +quoted says, “Week after week passes without affording +them one pure inspiration. Often, also, they have not +exercise even in the open air of the town; a furlong’s +walk to church on Sunday being the extent of their +rambles. When they have the opportunity they want +the inclination for exercise. The father is anxious about +his trade or his family, the mother is solicitous about her +children. Each has little taste for recreation or amusement.” +The various disorders, generally known under +the name of indigestion, disorders dependant on a want<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">{157}</a></span> +of circulation of blood through the bowels, biliary derangements, +and headache, are well known to be the +general attendants on trade, closely pursued. Indeed, +in almost every individual, this absorbing principle produces +one or other of the various maladies to which I +have alluded.</p> + +<p>The great remedy for the evils here pointed out is +bodily exercise, of some kind, every day, and as much +as possible in the open air. An opinion prevails that an +occasional walk is sufficient to maintain the balance of +health; but if the intervals of inaction be too long, the +good effect of one walk is lost before another is taken. +Regularity and sufficiency are to be as much regarded +in exercise as in eating or sleeping. Sir James Clark +says, that “the exercise which is to benefit the system +generally, must be in the open air, and extend to the +whole muscular system. Without regular exercise out +of doors, no young person can continue long healthy; +and it is the duty of parents in fixing their children at +boarding schools to ascertain that sufficient time is occupied +daily in this way. They may be assured that attention +to this circumstance is quite as essential to the +moral and physical health of their children, as any +branch of education which they may be taught.”</p> + +<p>Exercise, however, must be regulated by certain rules, +the principal of which is, to avoid carrying it to excess—to +proportion it always to the state of health and habit +of the individual. Persons of short breath predisposed +to determination of blood to the head, subject to palpitation +of the heart, or general weakness, are not to believe +that a course of severe exercise will do them good;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">{158}</a></span> +on the contrary, many serious results often follow over-fatigue. +For the same reason it is desirable to avoid active +exertion immediately after a full meal, as the foundation +of heart diseases is sometimes laid by leaping or +running after eating. The great object should be so to +blend exercise and repose, as to ensure the highest possible +amount of bodily vigor. It must be recollected +that exhausted muscles can be restored only by the most +perfect rest.</p> + +<p>In the next place, it is a mistake to consider the labor +of the day as equivalent to exercise. Work, generally +speaking, is a mere routine process, carried on with but +little variety of circumstances, in a confined atmosphere, +and in a temperature frequently more exhaustive than +restorative. The workman requires something more +than this to keep him in health; he must have exercise +as often as possible in the open air,—in fields, parks, or +pleasure grounds; but if these are not at his command, +the streets of the town are always open to him, and a +walk in these is better than no walk at all. The mere +change of scene is beneficial, and in walking he generally +sets in motion a different set of muscles from those he +has used while at work.</p> + +<p>To derive the greatest amount of good from exercise, +it must be combined with amusement, and be made +pleasureable and recreative. This important fact ought +never to be lost sight of, since to ignorance of it alone +we owe many of the evils which afflict society. And it +would be well if those who have been accustomed to look +on social amusements as destructive of the morals of the +people, would consider how much good may be done by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">{159}</a></span> +giving the mind a direction which, while promotive of +health, would fill it with cheerfulness and wean it from +debasing habits. The character of our sports at the +present time, partake but little of the robust and boisterous +spirit of our forefathers; but with the refinement +of amusements, the opportunity for enjoying them has +been grievously diminished. Cheering signs of a better +state of things are, however, visible in many quarters, +and we trust that the good work will be carried on until +the whole of our population shall be in possession of the +means and leisure for pleasurable recreation.</p> + +<p>While indulging in the recreative sports which are to +restore and invigorate us, we must be mindful of the +many points of etiquette and kindness which will do +much, if properly attended to, to promote the enjoyment +of our exercise, and we propose to review the principal +exercises used among us, and to point out in what places +the delicate and gentlemanly attention to our companions +will do the most to establish, for the person who practices +them, the reputation of a polished gentleman.</p> + +<h3>RIDING.</h3> + +<p>There are no amusements, probably, which give us so +wide a scope for the rendering of attention to a friend +as riding and driving. Accompanied, as we may be at +any time, by timid companions, the power to convince +them, by the management of the horse we ride, and the +watch kept at the same time on theirs, that we are competent +to act the part of companion and guardian, will +enable us to impart to them a great degree of reliance on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">{160}</a></span> +us, and will, by lessening their fear do much to enhance +the enjoyment of the excursion.</p> + +<p>With ladies, in particular, a horseman cannot be too +careful to display a regard for the fears of their companions, +and by a constant watch on all the horses in the +cavalcade, to show at once his ability and willingness to +assist his companions.</p> + +<p>There are few persons, comparatively speaking, even +among those who ride often, who can properly assist a +lady in mounting her horse. An over-anxiety to help a +lady as gracefully as possible, generally results in a nervous +trembling effort which is exceedingly disagreeable +to the lady, and, at the same time, dangerous; for were +the horse to shy or start, he could not be so easily +quieted by a nervous man as by one who was perfectly +cool. In the mount the lady must gather her skirt into +her left hand, and stand close to the horse, her face toward +his head, and her right hand resting on the pommel. +The gentleman, having asked permission to assist her, +stands at the horse’s shoulder, facing the lady, and stooping +low, he places his right hand at a proper elevation +from the ground. The lady then places her left foot on +the gentleman’s palm, and as he raises his hand she +springs slightly on her right foot, and thus reaches the +saddle. The gentleman must not jerk his hand upward, +but lift it with a gentle motion. This method of mounting +is preferable to a step or horse-block. Keep a <em>firm</em> +hand, for a sinking foot-hold will diminish the confidence +of a lady in her escort, and, in many cases cause her +unnecessary alarm while mounting. To any one who is +likely to be called on to act as cavalier to ladies in horse-back<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">{161}</a></span> +excursions, we would recommend the following +practice: Saddle a horse with a side saddle, and ask a +gentleman friend to put on the skirt of a lady’s habit, +and with him, practice the mounting and dismounting +until you have thoroughly conquered any difficulties you +may have experienced at first.</p> + +<p>After the seat is first taken by the lady, the gentleman +should always stand at the side of the lady’s horse +until she is firmly fixed in the saddle, has a good foot-hold +on the stirrup, and has the reins and whip well in +hand. Having ascertained that his companion is firmly +and comfortably fixed in the saddle, the gentleman +should mount his horse and take his riding position on +the right or “off” side of the lady’s horse, so that, in +case of the horse’s shying in such a way as to bring him +against the other horse, the lady will suffer no inconvenience. +In riding with two ladies there are two rules +in regard to the gentleman’s position.</p> + +<p>If both ladies are good riders, they should ride side +by side, the ladies to the left; but, if the contrary should +be the case, the gentleman should ride <em>between</em> the ladies +in order to be ready in a moment to assist either in case +of one of the horses becoming difficult to manage. Before +allowing a lady to mount, the entire furniture of +her horse should be carefully examined by her escort. +The saddle and girths should be tested to see if they are +firm, the stirrup leather examined, in case of the tongue +of the buckle being in danger of slipping out by not being +well buckled at first, and most particularly the bridle, +curb, headstall, and reins should be carefully and +thoroughly examined, for on them depends the entire<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">{162}</a></span> +control of the horse. These examinations should <em>never</em> +be left to the stablehelps, as the continual harnessing of +horses by them often leads to a loose and careless way +of attending to such matters, which, though seemingly +trivial, may lead to serious consequences.</p> + +<p>On the road, the constant care of the gentleman should +be to render the ride agreeable to his companion, by the +pointing out of objects of interest with which she may +not be acquainted, the reference to any peculiar beauty +of landscape which may have escaped her notice, and a +general lively tone of conversation, which will, if she be +timid, draw her mind from the fancied dangers of horseback +riding, and render her excursion much more agreeable +than if she be left to imagine horrors whenever her +horse may prick up his ears or whisk his tail. And, +while thus conversing, keep an eye always on the lady’s +horse, so that in case he should really get frightened, +you may be ready by your instruction and assistance to +aid the lady in quieting his fears.</p> + +<p>In dismounting you should offer your right hand to +the lady’s left, and allow her to use <em>your</em> left as a step +to dismount on, gently declining it as soon as the lady +has left her seat on the saddle, and just before she +springs. Many ladies spring from the saddle, but this +generally confuses the gentleman and is dangerous to +the lady, for the horse <em>may</em> move at the instant she +springs, which would inevitably throw her backward and +might result in a serious injury.</p> + +<h3>DRIVING.</h3> + +<p>In the indulgence of this beautiful pastime there are<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">{163}</a></span> +many points of care and attention to be observed; they +will render to the driver himself much gratification by +the confidence they will inspire in his companion, by +having the knowledge that he or she is being driven by +a careful horseman, and thus knowing that half of what +danger may attend the pleasure, is removed.</p> + +<p>On reaching the door of your companion’s residence, +whom we will suppose to be in this case a lady,—though +the same attention may well be extended to a gentleman,—drive +close to the mounting-block or curb, and +by heading your horse toward the middle of the road, +and slightly backing the wagon, separate the fore and +hind wheels on the side next the block as much as possible. +This gives room for the lady to ascend into the +wagon without soiling her dress by rubbing against +either tire, and also gives the driver room to lean over +and tuck into the wagon any part of a lady’s dress that +may hang out after she is seated.</p> + +<p>In assisting the lady to ascend into the wagon, the +best and safest way is to tie the horse firmly to a hitching-post +or tree, and then to give to your companion the +aid of both your hands; but, in case of there being no +post to which you can make the rein fast, the following +rule may be adopted:</p> + +<p>Grasp the reins firmly with one hand, and draw them +just tight enough to let the horse feel that they are +held, and with the other hand assist the lady; under <em>no</em> +circumstances, even with the most quiet horse, should +you place a lady in your vehicle without <em>any</em> hold on +the horse, for, although many horses would stand perfectly +quiet, the whole race of them are timid, and any<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">{164}</a></span> +sudden noise or motion may start them, in which case +the life of your companion may be endangered. In the +light <i>no-top</i> or <i>York</i> wagon, which is now used almost +entirely for pleasure drives, the right hand cushion +should always be higher by three or four inches than the +left, for it raises the person driving, thus giving him +more control, and renders the lady’s seat more comfortable +and more safe. It is a mistaken idea, in driving, +that it shows a perfect horseman, to drive fast. On the +contrary, a <em>good</em> horseman is more careful of his horse +than a poor one, and in starting, the horse is always allowed +to go slowly for time; as he gradually takes up a +quicker pace, and becomes warmed up; the driver may +push him even to the top of his speed for some distance, +always, however, allowing him to slacken his pace toward +the end of his drive, and to come to the stopping-place +at a moderate gait.</p> + +<p>Endeavor, by your conversation on the road, to make +the ride agreeable to your companion. Never try to +<em>show off</em> your driving, but remember, that there is no +one who drives with so much apparent ease and so little +display as the professional jockey, who, as he devotes +his life to the management of the reins, may well be supposed +to be the most thoroughly good “whip.”</p> + +<p>In helping the lady out of the wagon, the same rule +must be observed as in the start; namely, to have your +horse well in hand or firmly tied. Should your companion +be a gentleman and a horseman, the courtesy is +always to offer him the reins, though the offer, if made +to yourself by another with whom you are riding, should +always be declined; unless, indeed, the horse should be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">{165}</a></span> +particularly “hard-mouthed” and your friend’s arms +should be tired, in which case you should relieve him.</p> + +<p>Be especially careful in the use of the whip, that it +may not spring back outside of the vehicle and strike +your companion. This rule should be particularly attended +to in driving “tandem” or “four-in-hand,” as a +cut with a heavy tandem-whip is by no means a pleasant +accompaniment to your drive.</p> + +<h3>BOXING.</h3> + +<p>In this much-abused accomplishment, there would, +from the rough nature of the sport, seem to be small +room for civility; yet, in none of the many manly sports +is there so great a scope for the exercise of politeness +as in this. Should your adversary be your inferior in +boxing, there are many ways to teach him and encourage +him in his pursuit of proficiency, without knocking him +about as if your desire was to injure him as much as possible. +And you will find that his gratitude for your +forbearance will prompt him to exercise the same indulgence +to others who are inferior to himself, and thus by +the exchange of gentlemanly civility the science of boxing +is divested of one of its most objectionable points, viz: +the danger of the combatants becoming angry and changing +the sport to a brutal fight.</p> + +<p>Always allow your antagonist to choose his gloves +from the set, though, if you recommend <em>any</em> to him, let +him take the hardest ones and you the softest; thus he +will receive the easier blows. Allow him the choice of +ground and position, and endeavor in every way to give +him the utmost chance. In this way, even if you should<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">{166}</a></span> +be worsted in the game, your kindness and courtesy to +him will be acknowledged by any one who may be with +you, and by no one more readily than your antagonist +himself. These same rules apply to the art of fencing, +the most graceful and beautiful of exercises. Let your +opponent have his choice of the foils and sword-gloves, +give him the best position for light, and in your thrusts +remember that to make a “hit” does not require you to +force your foil as violently as you can against your antagonist’s +breast; but, that every touch will show if your +foils be chalked and the one who has the most “spots” +at the end of the encounter is the beaten man.</p> + +<h3>SAILING.</h3> + +<p>Within a few years there has been a most decided +movement in favor of aquatic pursuits. Scarcely a town +can be found, near the sea or on the bank of a river +but what can either furnish a yacht or a barge. In all +our principal cities the “navies” of yachts and barges +number many boats. The barge clubs particularly are +well-fitted with active, healthy men, who can appreciate +the physical benefit of a few hours’ work at the end of a +sixteen-foot sweep, and who prefer health and blistered +hands to a life of fashionable and unhealthy amusement. +Under the head of sailing we will give some hints of +etiquette as to sailing and rowing together. A gentleman +will never parade his superiority in these accomplishments, +still less boast of it, but rather, that the others may not feel +their inferiority, he will keep considerably within his powers. +If a guest or a stranger be of the party, the best +place must be offered to him, though he may be a bad oar;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">{167}</a></span> +but, at the same time, if a guest knows his inferiority in this +respect, he will, for more reasons than one, prefer an inferior +position. So, too, when a certain amount of exertion +is required, as in boating, a well-bred man will offer to +take the greater share, pull the heaviest oar, and will +never shirk his work. In short, the whole rule of good +manners on such occasions is not to be selfish, and the +most amiable man will therefore be the best bred. It is +certainly desirable that a gentleman should be able to +handle an oar, or to steer and work a yacht, both that +when he has an opportunity he may acquire health, and +that he may be able to take part in the charming excursions +which are made by water. One rule should apply +to all these aquatic excursions, and that is, that the gentleman +who invites the ladies, should there be any, and +who is, therefore, at the trouble of getting up the party, +should always be allowed to steer the boat, unless he +decline the post, for he has the advantage of more intimate +acquaintance with the ladies, whom he will have to +entertain on the trip, and the post of honor should be +given him as a compliment to his kindness in undertaking +the preliminaries.</p> + +<h3>HUNTING.</h3> + +<p>Gentlemen residing in the country, and keeping a +stable, are generally ready to join the hunt club. We are +gradually falling into the English sports and pastimes. +Cricket, boxing, and hunting, are being more and more +practiced every year, and our horsemen and pugilists +aspire to conquer those of Britain, when a few years +back, to attempt such a thing would have been considered<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">{168}</a></span> +folly. In this country the organization of hunt-clubs +is made as much to rid the country of the foxes as +to enjoy the sport. We differ much from the Britons in +our hunting; we have often a hilly dangerous country, +with high worm and post-and-rail fences crossing it, deep +streams with precipitous sides and stony ground to ride +over. We hunt in cold weather when the ground is +frozen hard, and we take everything as it is, hills, fences, +streams, and hedges, risking our necks innumerable +times in a hunt. In England the hunters have a flat +country, fences which do not compare to ours in height, +and they hunt <em>after</em> a frost when the ground is soft.</p> + +<p>Our hunting field at the “meet” does not show the +gaudy equipment and top-boots of England, but the +plain dress of the gentleman farmer, sometimes a blue +coat and jockey-cap, but oftener the every-day coat and +felt hat, but the etiquette of our hunting field is more +observed than in England. There any one joins the +meet, if it is a large one, but here no one enters the field +unless acquainted with one or more of the gentlemen on +the ground. The rules in the hunt are few and simple. +Never attempt to hunt unless you have a fine seat in the +saddle and a good horse, and never accept the loan of a +friend’s horse, still less an enemy’s, unless you ride very +well. A man may forgive you for breaking his daughter’s +heart but never for breaking his hunter’s neck. +Another point is, always to be quiet at a meet, and never +join one unless acquainted with some one in the field. +Pluck, skill, and a good horse are essentials in hunting. +Never talk of your achievements, avoid enthusiastic shouting +when you break cover, and do not ride over the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">{169}</a></span> +hounds. Keep a firm hand, a quick eye, an easy, calm +frame of mind, and a good, firm seat on the saddle. +Watch the country you are going over, be always ready +to help a friend who may “come to grief,” and with the +rules and the quiet demeanor you will soon be a favorite +in the field.</p> + +<h3>SKATING.</h3> + +<p>Though we may, in the cold winter, sigh for the return +of spring breezes, and look back with regret on the autumn +sports, or even the heat of summer, there is yet a +balm for our frozen spirits in the glorious and exhilarating +sports of winter. The sleigh filled with laughing +female beauties and “beauties,” too, of the sterner sex, +and the merry jingle of the bells as we fly along the +road or through the streets, are delights of which Old +Winter alone is the giver. But, pleasant as the sleigh-ride +is, the man who looks for health and exercise at all +seasons, turns from the seductive pleasures of the sleigh +to the more simple enjoyment derived from the skates. +Flying along over the glistening ice to the accompaniment +of shouts of merry laughter at some novice’s mishap, +and feeling that we have within us the speed of the +race-horse, the icy pleasure is, indeed, a good substitute +for the pleasures of the other seasons.</p> + +<p>So universal has skating become, that instruction in +this graceful accomplishment seems almost unnecessary; +but, for the benefit of the rising generation who may +peruse our work, we will give, from a well-known authority, +a few hints as to the manner of using the skates<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">{170}</a></span> +before we add our own instruction as to the etiquette of +the skating ground.</p> + +<p>“Before going on the ice, the young skater must learn +to put on the skates, and may also learn to walk with +them easily in a room, balancing, alternately, on each +foot. A skater’s dress should be as loose and unincumbered +as possible. All fullness of dress is exposed to the +wind. As the exercise of skating produces perspiration, +flannel next the chest, shoulders, and loins, is necessary +to avoid the evils of sudden chills in cold weather.</p> + +<p>“Either very rough or very smooth ice should be +avoided. The person who, for the first time, attempts to +skate, must not trust to a stick. He may take a friend’s +hand for support, if he requires one; but that should be +soon relinquished, in order to balance himself. He will, +probably, scramble about for half an hour or so, till he +begins to find out where the edge of his skate is. The +beginner must be fearless, but not violent; nor even in +a hurry. He should not let his feet get apart, and keep +his heels still nearer together. He must keep the ankle +of the foot on the ice quite firm; not attempting to gain +the edge of the skate by bending it, because the right +mode of getting to either edge is by the inclination of +the whole body in the direction required; and this inclination +should be made fearlessly and decisively. The +leg which is on the ice should be kept perfectly straight; +for, though the knee must be somewhat bent at the time +of striking, it must be straightened as quickly as possible +without any jerk. The leg which is off the ice should +also be kept straight, though not stiff, having an easy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">{171}</a></span> +but straight play, the toe pointing downwards, and the +heel from six to twelve inches of the other.</p> + +<p>“The learner must not look down at the ice, nor at +his feet, to see how they perform. He may, at first, incline +his body a little forward, for safety, but hold his +head up, and see where he goes, his person erect and his +face rather elevated than otherwise.</p> + +<p>“When once off, he must bring both feet up together, +and strike again, as soon as he finds himself steady +enough, rarely allowing both feet to be on the ice together. +The position of the arms should be easy and +varied; one being always more raised than the other, +this elevation being alternate, and the change corresponding +to that of the legs; that is, the right arm being +raised as the right leg is put down, and <i>vice versâ</i>, so +that the arm and leg of the same side may not be raised +together. The face must be always turned in the direction +of the line intended to be described. Hence in +backward skating, the head will be inclined much over +the shoulder; in forward skating, but slightly. All +sudden and violent action must be avoided. Stopping +may be caused by slightly bending the knees, drawing +the feet together, inclining the body forward, and pressing +on the heels. It may be also caused by turning +short to the right or left, the foot on the side to which +we turn being rather more advanced, and supporting +part of the weight.”<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a></p> + +<p>When on the ice, if you should get your skates on before +your companion, always wait for him; for, nothing +is more disagreeable than being left behind on an occasion<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">{172}</a></span> +of this kind. Be ready at all times when skating +to render assistance to any one, either lady or gentleman, +who may require it. A <em>gentleman</em> may be distinguished +at all times by the willingness with which he +will give up his sport to render himself agreeable and +kind to any one in difficulty. Should you have one of +the skating-sleds so much used for taking ladies on the +ice, and should your own ladies, if you are accompanied +by any, not desire to use it, the most becoming thing +you can do is to place it at the disposal of any other +gentleman who has ladies with him, and who is not provided +with such a conveyance.</p> + +<p>Always keep to the right in meeting a person on the +ice, and always skate perfectly clear of the line in which +a lady is advancing, whether she be on skates or on foot. +Attention to the other sex is no where more appreciated +than on the ice, where they are, unless good skaters, +comparatively helpless. Be always prompt to assist in +the extrication of any one who may break through the +ice, but let your zeal be tempered by discretion, and +always get a rope or ladder if possible, in preference to +going near the hole; for there is great risk of your breaking +through yourself, and endangering your own life +without being able to assist the person already submerged. +But should the rope or ladder not be convenient, +the best method is to lay flat on your breast on +the ice, and push yourself cautiously along until you can +touch the person’s hand, and then let him climb by it +out of the hole.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">{173}</a></span></p> + +<h3>SWIMMING.</h3> + +<p>So few persons are unable to swim, that it would be +useless for us to furnish any instruction in the actual +art of swimming; but a few words on the subject of assisting +others while in the water may not come amiss.</p> + +<p>It is a desirable accomplishment to be able to swim in +a suit of clothes. This may be practiced by good swimmers, +cautiously at first, in comparatively shallow water, +and afterwards in deeper places. Occasions may frequently +occur where it may be necessary to plunge into +the water to save a drowning person, where the lack of +time, or the presence of ladies, would preclude all possibility +of removing the clothes. There are few points +of etiquette in swimming, except those of giving all the +assistance in our power to beginners, and to remember +the fact of our being gentlemen, though the sport may +be rough when we are off <i>terra firma</i>. We shall therefore +devote this section of our exercise department to +giving a few general directions as to supporting drowning +persons, which support is, after all, the most valued +attention we can render to any one.</p> + +<p>If possible, always go to save a life in company with +one or two others. One companion is generally sufficient, +but two will do no harm, for, if the service of the +second be not required, he can easily swim back to shore. +On reaching the object of your pursuit, if he be clinging +to anything, caution him, as you approach, to hold it +until you tell him to let go, and then to let his arms fall +to his side. Then let one of your companions place his +hand under the armpit of the person to be assisted, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">{174}</a></span> +you doing the like, call to him to let go his support, then +tread water until you get his arms on the shoulders of +your companion and yourself, and then swim gently to +shore. Should you be alone, the utmost you can do is +to let him hold his support while you tread water near +him until further assistance can be obtained. If you +are alone and he has no support, let him rest one arm +across your shoulder, put one of your arms behind his +back, and the hand under his armpit, and tread water +until help arrives. Never let a man in these circumstances +<em>grasp</em> you in any way, particularly if he be +frightened, for you may both be drowned; but, try to +cool and reassure him by the intrepidity of your own +movements, and he will be safely and easily preserved.</p> + +<h3>CRICKET.</h3> + +<p>When in the cricket-field, we must allow ourselves to +enter into the full spirit of the game; but we must not +allow the excitement of the play to make us forget what +is due to others and to ourselves. A gentle, easy, and, +at the same time, gentlemanly manner, may be assumed. +Always offer to your companions the use of +your private bat, if they are not similarly provided; for +the bats belonging to the club often lose the spring in +the handle from constant use, and a firm bat with a good +spring will prove very acceptable. In this way you +gratify the player, and, as a reward for your kindness, +he may, from being well provided, score more for the +side than he would with inferior or worn-out tools.</p> + +<p>This game is more purely democratic than any one we +know of, and the most aristocratic of gentlemen takes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">{175}</a></span> +second rank, for the time, to the most humble cricketer, +if the latter be the more skillful. But a good player is +not always a gentleman, and the difference in cultivation +may always be distinguished. A <em>gentleman</em> will never +deride any one for his bad play, nor give vent to oaths, +or strong epithets, if disappointed in the playing of one +of his side. If he has to ask another player for anything, +he does so in a way to establish his claim to gentility. +“May I trouble you for that ball?” or, “Will +you please to hand me that bat?” are much preferable to +“Here, you! ball there!” or, “Clumsy, don’t carry off +that bat!” Again, if a gentleman makes a mistake himself, +he should always acknowledge it quietly, and never +start a stormy discussion as to the merits of his batting +or fielding. In fine, preserve the same calm demeanor +in the field that you would in the parlor, however deeply +you enter into the excitement of the game.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">{176}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX.<br /> +<span class="sub">TRAVELING.</span></h2> + +<p>In this country where ladies travel so much alone, a +gentleman has many opportunities of making this unprotected +state a pleasant one. There are many little +courtesies which you may offer to a lady when traveling, +even if she is an entire stranger to you, and by an +air of respectful deference, you may place her entirely +at her ease with you, even if you are both young.</p> + +<p>When traveling with a lady, your duties commence +when you are presented to her as an escort. If she is +personally a stranger, she will probably meet you at the +wharf or car depot; but if an old acquaintance, you +should offer to call for her at her residence. Take a +hack, and call, leaving ample time for last speeches and +farewell tears. If she hands you her purse to defray +her expenses, return it to her if you stop for any length +of time at a place where she may wish to make purchases. +If you make no stop upon your journey, keep +the purse until you arrive at your destination, and then +return it. If she does not give you the money for her +expenses when you start, you had best pay them yourself, +keeping an account, and she will repay you at the +journey’s end.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">{177}</a></span> +When you start, select for your companion the pleasantest +seat, see that her shawl and bag are within her +reach, the window lowered or raised as she may prefer, +and then leave her to attend to the baggage, or, if you +prefer, let her remain in the hack while you get checks +for the trunks. Never keep a lady standing upon the +wharf or in the depot, whilst you arrange the baggage.</p> + +<p>When you arrive at a station, place your lady in a +hack while you get the trunks.</p> + +<p>When arriving at a hotel, escort your companion to +the parlor, and leave her there whilst you engage rooms. +As soon as her room is ready, escort her to the door, +and leave her, as she will probably wish to change her +dress or lie down, after the fatigue of traveling. If you +remain chatting in the parlor, although she may be too +polite to give any sign of weariness, you may feel sure +she is longing to go to a room where she can bathe her +face and smooth her hair.</p> + +<p>If you remain in the hotel to any meal, ask before +you leave her, at what hour she wishes to dine, sup, or +breakfast, and at that hour, knock at her door, and +escort her to the table.</p> + +<p>If you remain in the city at which her journey terminates, +you should call the day after your arrival upon +the companion of your journey. If, previous to that +journey, you have never met her, she has the privilege +of continuing the acquaintance or not as she pleases, so +if all your gallantry is repaid by a cut the next time +you meet her, you must submit, and hope for better +luck next time. In such a case, you are at liberty<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">{178}</a></span> +to decline escorting her again should the request be +made.</p> + +<p>When traveling alone, your opportunities to display +your gallantry will be still more numerous. To offer +to carry a bag for a lady who is unattended, to raise or +lower a window for her, offer to check her baggage, +procure her a hack, give her your arm from car to boat +or boat to car, assist her children over the bad crossings, +or in fact extend any such kindness, will mark you as a +gentleman, and win you the thanks due to your courtesy. +Be careful however not to be too attentive, as you then +become officious, and embarrass when you mean to +please.</p> + +<p>If you are going to travel in other countries, in Europe, +especially, I would advise you to study the languages, +before you attempt to go abroad. French is +the tongue you will find most useful in Europe, as it is +spoken in the courts, and amongst diplomatists; but, in +order fully to enjoy a visit to any country, you must +speak the language of that country. You can then +visit in the private houses, see life among the peasantry, +go with confidence from village to town, from city to +city, learning more of the country in one day from +familiar intercourse with the natives, than you would +learn in a year from guide books or the explanations of +your courier. The way to really enjoy a journey +through a strange land, is not to roll over the high +ways in your carriage, stop at the hotels, and be led +to the points of interest by your guide, but to shoulder +your knapsack, or take up your valise, and make a +pedestrian tour through the hamlets and villages. Take<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">{179}</a></span> +a room at a hotel in the principal cities if you will, +and see all that your guide book commands you to seek, +and then start on your own tour of investigation, and +believe me you will enjoy your independent walks and +chats with the villagers and peasants, infinitely more +than your visits dictated by others. Of course, to enjoy +this mode of traveling, you must have some knowledge +of the language, and if you start with only a very +slight acquaintance with it, you will be surprised to find +how rapidly you will acquire the power to converse, +when you are thus forced to speak in that language, or +be entirely silent.</p> + +<p>Your pocket, too, will be the gainer by the power to +arrange your own affairs. If you travel with a courier +and depend upon him to arrange your hotel bills and +other matters, you will be cheated by every one, from +the boy who blacks your boots, to the magnificent artist, +who undertakes to fill your picture gallery with the works +of the “old masters.” If Murillo, Raphael, and Guido +could see the pictures brought annually to this country +as genuine works of their pencils, we are certain that +they would tear their ghostly hair, wring their shadowy +hands, and return to the tomb again in disgust. Ignorant +of the language of the country you are visiting, you +will be swindled in the little villages and the large cities +by the inn-keepers and the hack-drivers, in the country +and in the town, morning, noon, and evening, daily, +hourly, and weekly; so, again I say, study the languages +if you propose going abroad.</p> + +<p>In a foreign country nothing stamps the difference between +the gentleman and the clown more strongly than<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">{180}</a></span> +the regard they pay to foreign customs. While the +latter will exclaim against every strange dress or dish, +and even show signs of disgust if the latter does not +please him, the former will endeavor, as far as is in his +power, to “do in Rome as Romans do.”</p> + +<p>Accustom yourself, as soon as possible, to the customs +of the nation which you are visiting, and, as far as you +can without any violation of principle, follow them. +You will add much to your own comfort by so doing, for, +as you cannot expect the whole nation to conform to +your habits, the sooner you fall in with theirs the sooner +you will feel at home in the strange land.</p> + +<p>Never ridicule or blame any usage which seems to you +ludicrous or wrong. You may wound those around you, +or you may anger them, and it cannot add to the +pleasure of your visit to make yourself unpopular. If +in Germany they serve your meat upon marmalade, or +your beef raw, or in Italy give you peas in their pods, +or in France offer you frog’s legs and horsesteaks, if you +cannot eat the strange viands, make no remarks and repress +every look or gesture of disgust. Try to adapt +your taste to the dishes, and if you find that impossible, +remove those articles you cannot eat from your plate, +and make your meal upon the others, but do this silently +and quietly, endeavoring not to attract attention.</p> + +<p>The best travelers are those who can eat cats in China, +oil in Greenland, frogs in France, and maccaroni in Italy; +who can smoke a meershaum in Germany, ride an elephant +in India, shoot partridges in England, and wear a turban +in Turkey; in short, in every nation adapt their habits,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">{181}</a></span> +costume, and taste to the national manners, dress and +dishes.</p> + +<p>Do not, when abroad, speak continually in praise of +your own country, or disparagingly of others. If you +find others are interested in gaining information about +America, speak candidly and freely of its customs, +scenery, or products, but not in a way that will imply a +contempt of other countries. To turn up your nose at +the Thames because the Mississippi is longer and wider, +or to sneer at <em>any</em> object because you have seen its superior +at home, is rude, ill-bred, and in excessively bad +taste. You will find abroad numerous objects of interest +which America cannot parallel, and while abroad, you +will do well to avoid mention of “our rivers,” “our +mountains,” or, “our manufactories.” You will find ruins +in Rome, pictures in Florence, cemeteries in France, and +factories in England, which will take the lead and challenge +the world to compete; and you will exhibit a far +better spirit if you candidly acknowledge that superiority, +than if you make absurd and untrue assertions of “our” +power to excel them.</p> + +<p>You will, of course, meet with much to disapprove, +much that will excite your laughter; but control the one +and keep silence about the other. If you find fault, do +so gently and quietly; if you praise, do so without qualification, +sincerely and warmly.</p> + +<p>Study well the geography of any country which you +may visit, and, as far as possible, its history also. You +cannot feel much interest in localities or monuments connected +with history, if you are unacquainted with the +events which make them worthy of note.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">{182}</a></span> +Converse with any who seem disposed to form an acquaintance. +You may thus pass an hour or two pleasantly, +obtain useful information, and you need not carry +on the acquaintance unless you choose to do so. Amongst +the higher circles in Europe you will find many of the +customs of each nation in other nations, but it is among +the peasants and the people that you find the true nationality.</p> + +<p>You may carry with you one rule into every country, +which is, that, however much the inhabitants may object +to your dress, language, or habits, they will cheerfully +acknowledge that the American stranger is perfectly +amiable and polite.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">{183}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X.<br /> +<span class="sub">ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH.</span></h2> + +<p>It is not, in this book, a question, what you must believe, +but how you must act. If your conscience permits +you to visit other churches than your own, your first +duty, whilst in them, is not to sneer or scoff at any of +its forms, and to follow the service as closely as you can.</p> + +<p>To remove your hat upon entering the edifice devoted +to the worship of a Higher Power, is a sign of respect +never to be omitted. Many men will omit in foreign +churches this custom so expressive and touching, and by +the omission make others believe them irreverent and +foolish, even though they may act from mere thoughtlessness. +If, however, you are in a country where the +head is kept covered, and another form of humility +adopted, you need not fear to follow the custom of those +around you. You will be more respected if you pay deference +to their religious views, than if you undertook to +prove your superiority by affecting a contempt for any +form of worship. Enter with your thoughts fixed upon +high and holy subjects, and your face will show your devotion, +even if you are ignorant of the forms of that +particular church.</p> + +<p>If you are with a lady, in a catholic church, offer her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">{184}</a></span> +the holy water with your hand ungloved, for, as it is +in the intercourse with princes, that church requires all +the ceremonies to be performed with the bare hand.</p> + +<p>Pass up the aisle with your companion until you reach +the pew you are to occupy, then step before her, open +the door, and hold it open while she enters the pew. +Then follow her, closing the door after you.</p> + +<p>If you are visiting a strange church, request the +sexton to give you a seat. Never enter a pew uninvited. +If you are in your own pew in church, and see strangers +looking for a place, open your pew door, invite them by +a motion to enter, and hold the door open for them, re-entering +yourself after they are seated.</p> + +<p>If others around you do not pay what you think a +proper attention to the services, do not, by scornful +glances or whispered remarks, notice their omissions. +Strive, by your own devotion, to forget those near you.</p> + +<p>You may offer a book or fan to a stranger near you, +if unprovided themselves, whether they be young or old, +lady or gentleman.</p> + +<p>Remain kneeling as long as those around you do so. +Do not, if your own devotion is not satisfied by your attitude, +throw scornful glances upon those who remain +seated, or merely bow their heads. Above all never sign +to them, or speak, reminding them of the position most +suitable for the service. Keep your own position, but do +not think you have the right to dictate to others. I +have heard young persons addressing, with words of reproach, +old men, and lame ones, whose infirmities forbade +them to kneel or stand in church, but who were, doubtless, +as good Christians as their presumptuous advisers.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">{185}</a></span> +I know that it often is an effort to remain silent when +those in another pew talk incessantly in a low tone or +whisper, or sing in a loud tone, out of all time or tune, +or read the wrong responses in a voice of thunder; but, +while you carefully avoid such faults yourself, you must +pass them over in others, without remark.</p> + +<p>If, when abroad, you visit a church to see the pictures +or monuments within its walls, and not for worship, +choose the hours when there is no service being read. +Even if you are alone, or merely with a guide, speak +low, walk slowly, and keep an air of quiet respect in +the edifice devoted to the service of God.</p> + +<p>Let me here protest against an Americanism of which +modest ladies justly complain; it is that of gentlemen +standing in groups round the doors of churches both before +and after service. A well-bred man will not indulge +in this practice; and, if detained upon the step by a +friend, or, whilst waiting for another person, he will +stand aside and allow plenty of room for others to pass +in, and will never bring the blood into a woman’s face +by a long, curious stare.</p> + +<p>In church, as in every other position in life, the most +unselfish man is the most perfect gentleman; so, if you +wish to retain your position as a well-bred man, you will, +in a crowded church, offer your seat to any lady, or old +man, who may be standing.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">{186}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XI" id="CHAPTER_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI.<br /> +<span class="sub">ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT.</span></h2> + +<p>1. Always avoid any rude or boisterous action, especially +when in the presence of ladies. It is not necessary +to be stiff, indolent, or sullenly silent, neither is +perfect gravity always required, but if you jest let it be +with quiet, gentlemanly wit, never depending upon +clownish gestures for the effect of a story. Nothing +marks the gentleman so soon and so decidedly as quiet, +refined ease of manner.</p> + +<p>2. Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring +a bell, pick up a handkerchief or glove she may have +dropped, or, in short, perform any service for herself +which you can perform for her, when you are in the +room. By extending such courtesies to your mother, +sisters, or other members of your family, they become +habitual, and are thus more gracefully performed when +abroad.</p> + +<p>3. Never perform any little service for another with a +formal bow or manner as if conferring a favor, but with +a quiet gentlemanly ease as if it were, not a ceremonious, +unaccustomed performance, but a matter of course, for +you to be courteous.</p> + +<p>4. It is not necessary to tell <em>all</em> that you know; that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">{187}</a></span> +were mere folly; but what a man says must be what he +believes himself, else he violates the first rule for a gentleman’s +speech—Truth.</p> + +<p>5. Avoid gambling as you would poison. Every bet +made, even in the most finished circles of society, is a +species of gambling, and this ruinous crime comes on by +slow degrees. Whilst a man is minding his business, he +is playing the best game, and he is sure to win. You +will be tempted to the vice by those whom the world +calls gentlemen, but you will find that loss makes you +angry, and an angry man is never a courteous one; gain +excites you to continue the pursuit of the vice; and, in +the end you will lose money, good name, health, good +conscience, light heart, and honesty; while you gain evil +associates, irregular hours and habits, a suspicious, fretful +temper, and a remorseful, tormenting conscience. +Some one <em>must</em> lose in the game; and, if you win it, it +is at the risk of driving a fellow creature to despair.</p> + +<p>6. Cultivate tact! In society it will be an invaluable +aid. Talent is something, but tact is everything. Talent +is serious, sober, grave, and respectable; tact is all that +and more too. It is not a sixth sense, but it is the life +of all the five. It is the <em>open</em> eye, the <em>quick</em> ear, the +<em>judging</em> taste, the <em>keen</em> smell, and the <em>lively</em> touch; it is +the interpreter of all riddles—the surmounter of all difficulties—the +remover of all obstacles. It is useful in all +places, and at all times; it is useful in solitude, for it +shows a man his way <em>into</em> the world; it is useful in society, +for it shows him his way <em>through</em> the world. Talent +is power—tact is skill; talent is weight—tact is momentum; +talent knows what to do—tact knows how to do it;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">{188}</a></span> +talent makes a man respectable—tact will make him respected; +talent is wealth—tact is ready money. For all +the practical purposes of society tact carries against +talent ten to one.</p> + +<p>7. Nature has left every man a capacity of being +agreeable, though all cannot <em>shine</em> in company; but there +are many men sufficiently qualified for both, who, by a +very few faults, that a little attention would soon correct, +are not so much as tolerable. Watch, avoid such faults.</p> + +<p>8. Habits of self-possession and self-control acquired +early in life, are the best foundation for the formation +of gentlemanly manners. If you unite with this the +constant intercourse with ladies and gentlemen of refinement +and education, you will add to the dignity of perfect +self command, the polished ease of polite society.</p> + +<p>9. Avoid a conceited manner. It is exceedingly ill-bred +to assume a manner as if you were superior to those +around you, and it is, too, a proof, not of superiority +but of vulgarity. And to avoid this manner, avoid the +foundation of it, and cultivate humility. The praises +of others should be of use to you, in teaching, not what +you are, perhaps, but in pointing out what you ought to +be.</p> + +<p>10. Avoid pride, too; it often miscalculates, and more +often misconceives. The proud man places himself at a +distance from other men; seen through that distance, +others, perhaps, appear little to him; but he forgets that +this very distance causes him also to appear little to +others.</p> + +<p>11. A gentleman’s title suggests to him humility and +affability; to be easy of access, to pass by neglects and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">{189}</a></span> +offences, especially from inferiors; neither to despise any +for their bad fortune or misery, nor to be afraid to own +those who are unjustly oppressed; not to domineer over +inferiors, nor to be either disrespectful or cringing to +superiors; not standing upon his family name, or wealth, +but making these secondary to his attainments in civility, +industry, gentleness, and discretion.</p> + +<p>12. Chesterfield says, “All ceremonies are, in themselves, +very silly things; but yet a man of the world +should know them. They are the outworks of manners, +which would be too often broken in upon if it were not +for that defence which keeps the enemy at a proper distance. +It is for that reason I always treat fools and +coxcombs with great ceremony, true good breeding not +being a sufficient barrier against them.”</p> + +<p>13. When you meet a lady at the foot of a flight of +stairs, do not wait for her to ascend, but bow, and go up +before her.</p> + +<p>14. In meeting a lady at the head of a flight of stairs, +wait for her to precede you in the descent.</p> + +<p>15. Avoid slang. It does not beautify, but it sullies +conversation. “Just listen, for a moment, to our fast +young man, or the ape of a fast young man, who thinks +that to be a man he must speak in the dark phraseology +of slang. If he does anything on his own responsibility, +he does it on his own ‘hook.’ If he sees anything remarkably +good, he calls it a ‘stunner,’ the superlative +of which is a ‘regular stunner.’ If a man is requested +to pay a tavern bill, he is asked if he will ‘stand Sam.’ +If he meets a savage-looking dog, he calls him an ‘ugly +customer.’ If he meets an eccentric man, he calls him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">{190}</a></span> +a ‘rummy old cove.’ A sensible man is a ‘chap that is +up to snuff.’ Our young friend never scolds, but ‘blows +up;’ never pays, but ‘stumps up;’ never finds it too difficult +to pay, but is ‘hard up.’ He has no hat, but +shelters his head beneath a ‘tile.’ He wears no neckcloth, +but surrounds his throat with a ‘choker.’ He +lives nowhere, but there is some place where he ‘hangs +out.’ He never goes away or withdraws, but he ‘bolts’—he +‘slopes’—he ‘mizzles’—he ‘makes himself scarce’—he +‘walks his chalks’—he ‘makes tracks’—he ‘cuts +stick’—or, what is the same thing, he ‘cuts his lucky!’ +The highest compliment that you can pay him is to tell +him that he is a ‘regular brick.’ He does not profess to +be brave, but he prides himself on being ‘plucky.’ +Money is a word which he has forgotten, but he talks a +good deal about ‘tin,’ and the ‘needful,’ ‘the rhino,’ and +‘the ready.’ When a man speaks, he ‘spouts;’ when he +holds his peace, he ‘shuts up;’ when he is humiliated, he +is ‘taken down a peg or two,’ and made to ‘sing small.’ +Now, besides the vulgarity of such expressions, there is +much in slang that is objectionable in a moral point of +view. For example, the word ‘governor,’ as applied to +a father, is to be reprehended. Does it not betray, on +the part of young men, great ignorance of the paternal +and filial relationship, or great contempt for them? +Their father is to such young men merely a governor,—merely +a representative of authority. Innocently enough +the expression is used by thousands of young men who +venerate and love their parents; but only think of it, +and I am sure that you will admit that it is a cold,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">{191}</a></span> +heartless word when thus applied, and one that ought +forthwith to be abandoned.”</p> + +<p>16. There are few traits of social life more repulsive +than tyranny. I refer not to the wrongs, real or imaginary, +that engage our attention in ancient and modern +history; my tyrants are not those who have waded +through blood to thrones, and grievously oppress their +brother men. I speak of the <em>petty</em> tyrants of the fireside +and the social circle, who trample like very despots +on the opinions of their fellows. You meet people of +this class everywhere; they stalk by your side in the +streets; they seat themselves in the pleasant circle on +the hearth, casting a gloom on gayety; and they start +up dark and scowling in the midst of scenes of innocent +mirth, to chill and frown down every participator. +They “pooh! pooh!” at every opinion advanced; they +make the lives of their mothers, sisters, wives, children, +unbearable. Beware then of tyranny. A gentleman +is ever humble, and the tyrant is never courteous.</p> + +<p>17. Cultivate the virtues of the soul, strong principle, +incorruptible integrity, usefulness, refined intellect, and +fidelity in seeking for truth. A man in proportion as +he has these virtues will be honored and welcomed everywhere.</p> + +<p>18. Gentility is neither in birth, wealth, or fashion, +but in the mind. A high sense of honor, a determination +never to take a mean advantage of another, adherence +to truth, delicacy and politeness towards those +with whom we hold intercourse, are the essential characteristics +of a gentleman.</p> + +<p>19. Little attentions to your mother, your wife, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">{192}</a></span> +your sister, will beget much love. The man who is a +rude husband, son, and brother, cannot be a gentleman; +he may ape the manners of one, but, wanting the refinement +of heart that would make him courteous at home, +his politeness is but a thin cloak to cover a rude, unpolished +mind.</p> + +<p>20. At table, always eat slowly, but do not delay +those around you by toying with your food, or neglecting +the business before you to chat, till all the others +are ready to leave the table, but must wait until you repair +your negligence, by hastily swallowing your food.</p> + +<p>21. Are you a husband? Custom entitles you to be +the “lord and master” over your household. But don’t +assume the <em>master</em> and sink the <em>lord</em>. Remember that +noble generosity, forbearance, amiability, and integrity +are the <em>lordly</em> attributes of man. As a husband, therefore, +exhibit the true nobility of man, and seek to govern +your household by the display of high moral excellence.</p> + +<p>A domineering spirit—a fault-finding petulance—impatience +of trifling delays—and the exhibition of unworthy +passion at the slightest provocation can add no +laurel to your own “lordly” brow, impart no sweetness +to home, and call forth no respect from those by whom +you may be surrounded. It is one thing to be a <em>master</em>, +another to be a <em>man</em>. The latter should be the husband’s +aspiration; for he who cannot govern himself, is +ill-qualified to rule others. You can hardly imagine +how refreshing it is to occasionally call up the recollection +of your courting days. How tediously the hours +rolled away prior to the appointed time of meeting; how +swift they seemed to fly, when met; how fond was the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">{193}</a></span> +first greeting; how tender the last embrace; how fervent +were your vows; how vivid your dreams of future happiness, +when, returning to your home, you felt yourself +secure in the confessed love of the object of your warm +affections! Is your dream realized?—are you so happy +as you expected?—why not? Consider whether as a +husband you are as fervent and constant as you were +when a lover. Remember that the wife’s claims to your +unremitting regard—great before marriage, are now exalted +to a much higher degree. She has left the world +for you—the home of her childhood, the fireside of her +parents, their watchful care and sweet intercourse have +all been yielded up for you. Look then most jealously +upon all that may tend to attract you from home, and +to weaken that union upon which your temporal happiness +mainly depends; and believe that in the solemn relationship +of <em class="ucsmcap">HUSBAND</em> is to be found one of the best +guarantees for man’s honor and happiness.</p> + +<p>22. Perhaps the true definition of a gentleman is this: +“Whoever is open, loyal, and true; whoever is of humane +and affable demeanor; whoever is honorable in +himself, and in his judgment of others, and requires no +law but his word to make him fulfil an engagement; such +a man is a gentleman, be he in the highest or lowest +rank of life, a man of elegant refinement and intellect, +or the most unpolished tiller of the ground.”</p> + +<p>23. In the street, etiquette does not require a gentleman +to take off his glove to shake hands with a lady, +unless her hand is uncovered. In the house, however, +the rule is imperative, he must not offer a lady a gloved +hand. In the street, if his hand be very warm or very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">{194}</a></span> +cold, or the glove cannot be readily removed, it is much +better to offer the covered hand than to offend the lady’s +touch, or delay the salutation during an awkward fumble +to remove the glove.</p> + +<p>24. Sterne says, “True courtship consists in a number +of quiet, gentlemanly attentions, not so pointed as to +alarm, not so vague as to be misunderstood.” A clown +will terrify by his boldness, a proud man chill by his reserve, +but a gentleman will win by the happy mixture +of the two.</p> + +<p>25. Use no profane language, utter no word that will +cause the most virtuous to blush. Profanity is a mark of +low breeding; and the tendency of using indecent and +profane language is degrading to your minds. Its injurious +effects may not be felt at the moment, but they +will continue to manifest themselves to you through life. +They may never be obliterated; and, if you allow +the fault to become habitual, you will often find at your +tongue’s end some expressions which you would not use +for any money. By being careful on this point you may +save yourself much mortification and sorrow.</p> + +<p>“Good men have been taken sick and become delirious. +In these moments they have used the most vile +and indecent language. When informed of it, after a +restoration to health, they had no idea of the pain they +had given to their friends, and stated that they had +learned and repeated the expressions in childhood, and +though years had passed since they had spoken a bad +word, the early impressions had been indelibly stamped +upon the mind.”</p> + +<p>Think of this, ye who are tempted to use improper<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">{195}</a></span> +language, and never let a vile word disgrace you. An +oath never falls from the tongue of the man who commands +respect.</p> + +<p>Honesty, frankness, generosity, and virtue are noble +traits. Let these be yours, and do not fear. You will +then claim the esteem and love of all.</p> + +<p>26. Courteous and friendly conduct may, probably will, +sometimes meet with an unworthy and ungrateful return; +but the absence of gratitude and similar courtesy on the +part of the receiver cannot destroy the self-approbation +which recompenses the giver. We may scatter the seeds +of courtesy and kindness around us at little expense. +Some of them will inevitably fall on good ground, and +grow up into benevolence in the minds of others, and all +of them will bear the fruit of happiness in the bosom +whence they spring. A kindly action always fixes itself +on the heart of the truly thoughtful and polite man.</p> + +<p>27. Learn to restrain anger. A man in a passion +ceases to be a gentleman, and if you do not control your +passions, rely upon it, they will one day control you. +The intoxication of anger, like that of the grape, shows +us to others, but hides us from ourselves, and we injure +our own cause in the opinion of the world when we <em>too</em> +passionately and eagerly defend it. Neither will all +men be disposed to view our quarrels in the same light +that we do; and a man’s blindness to his own defects +will ever increase in proportion as he is angry with +others, or pleased with himself. An old English writer +says:—</p> + +<p>“As a preventative of anger, banish all tale-bearers +and slanderers from your conversation, for it is these<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">{196}</a></span> +blow the devil’s bellows to rouse up the flames of rage +and fury, by first abusing your ears, and then your credulity, +and after that steal away your patience, and all +this, perhaps, for a lie. To prevent anger, be not too +inquisitive into the affairs of others, or what people say +of yourself, or into the mistakes of your friends, for this +is going out to gather sticks to kindle a fire to burn +your own house.”</p> + +<p>28. Keep good company or none. You will lose your +own self-respect, and habits of courtesy sooner and +more effectually by intercourse with low company, than +in any other manner; while, in good company, these +virtues will be cultivated and become habitual.</p> + +<p>29. Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than +to make an engagement, be it of business or pleasure, +and break it. If your memory is not sufficiently retentive +to keep all the engagements you make stored within +it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there. +Especially, keep any appointment made with a lady, +for, depend upon it, the fair sex forgive any other fault +in good breeding, sooner than a broken engagement.</p> + +<p>30. Avoid personality; nothing is more ungentlemanly. +The tone of good company is marked by its +entire absence. Among well-informed persons there are +plenty of topics to discuss, without giving pain to any +one present.</p> + +<p>31. Make it a rule to be always punctual in keeping +an appointment, and, when it is convenient, be a little +beforehand. Such a habit ensures that composure and +ease which is the very essence of gentlemanly deportment; +want of it keeps you always in a fever and bustle<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">{197}</a></span> +and no man who is hurried and feverish appears so well +as he whose punctuality keeps him cool and composed.</p> + +<p>32. It is right to cultivate a laudable ambition, but do +not exaggerate your capacity. The world will not give +you credit for half what you esteem yourself. Some men +think it so much gained to pass for more than they are +worth; but in most cases the deception will be discovered, +sooner or later, and the rebound will be greater than the +gain. We may, therefore, set it down as a truth, that +it is a damage to a man to have credit for greater powers +than he possesses.</p> + +<p>33. Be ready to apologize when you have committed +a fault which gives offence. Better, far better, to retain +a friend by a frank, courteous apology for offence given, +than to make an enemy by obstinately denying or persisting +in the fault.</p> + +<p>34. An apology made to yourself must be accepted. +No matter how great the offence, a gentleman cannot +keep his anger after an apology has been made, and +thus, amongst truly well-bred men, an apology is always +accepted.</p> + +<p>35. Unless you have something of real importance to +ask or communicate, do not stop a gentleman in the +street during business hours. You may detain him +from important engagements, and, though he may be too +well-bred to show annoyance, he will not thank you for +such detention.</p> + +<p>36. If, when on your way to fulfil an engagement, a +friend stops you in the street, you may, without committing +any breach of etiquette, tell him of your appointment,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">{198}</a></span> +and release yourself from a long talk, but do so in +a courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity.</p> + +<p>37. If, when meeting two gentlemen, you are obliged +to detain one of them, apologize to the other for so +doing, whether he is an acquaintance or a stranger, and +do not keep him waiting a moment longer than is necessary.</p> + +<p>38. Have you a sister? Then love and cherish her +with all that pure and holy friendship which renders a +brother so worthy and noble. Learn to appreciate her +sweet influence as portrayed in the following words:</p> + +<p>“He who has never known a sister’s kind administration, +nor felt his heart warming beneath her endearing +smile and love-beaming eye, has been unfortunate indeed. +It is not to be wondered at if the fountains of pure feeling +flow in his bosom but sluggishly, or if the gentle +emotions of his nature be lost in the sterner attributes +of mankind.</p> + +<p>“‘That man has grown up among affectionate sisters,’ +I once heard a lady of much observation and experience +remark.</p> + +<p>“‘And why do you think so?’ said I.</p> + +<p>“‘Because of the rich development of all the tender +feelings of the heart.’</p> + +<p>“A sister’s influence is felt even in manhood’s riper +years; and the heart of him who has grown cold in +chilly contact with the world will warm and thrill with +pure enjoyment as some accident awakens within him +the soft tones, the glad melodies of his sister’s voice; +and he will turn from purposes which a warped and false +philosophy had reasoned into expediency, and even weep<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">{199}</a></span> +for the gentle influences which moved him in his earlier +years.”</p> + +<p>The man who would treat a sister with harshness, +rudeness, or disrespect, is unworthy of the name of gentleman, +for he thus proves that the courtesies he extends +to other ladies, are not the promptings of the heart, but +the mere external signs of etiquette; the husk without +the sweet fruit within.</p> + +<p>39. When walking with a friend in the street, never +leave him to speak to another friend without apologizing +for so doing.</p> + +<p>40. If walking with a lady, never leave her alone in +the street, under any circumstances. It is a gross violation +of etiquette to do so.</p> + +<p>41. The most truly gentlemanly man is he who is the +most unselfish, so I would say in the words of the +Rev. J. A. James:</p> + +<p>“Live for some purpose in the world. Act your part +well. Fill up the measure of duty to others. Conduct +yourselves so that you shall be missed with sorrow when +you are gone. Multitudes of our species are living in +such a selfish manner that they are not likely to be remembered +after their disappearance. They leave behind +them scarcely any traces of their existence, but are forgotten +almost as though they had never been. They are +while they live, like one pebble lying unobserved amongst +a million on the shore; and when they die, they are like +that same pebble thrown into the sea, which just ruffles +the surface, sinks, and is forgotten, without being missed +from the beach. They are neither regretted by the rich, +wanted by the poor, nor celebrated by the learned.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">{200}</a></span> +Who has been the better for their life? Who has been +the worse for their death? Whose tears have they dried +up? whose wants supplied? whose miseries have they +healed? Who would unbar the gate of life, to re-admit +them to existence? or what face would greet them back +again to our world with a smile? Wretched, unproductive +mode of existence! Selfishness is its own curse; +it is a starving vice. The man who does no good, gets +none. He is like the heath in the desert, neither yielding +fruit, nor seeing when good cometh—a stunted, +dwarfish, miserable shrub.”</p> + +<p>42. Separate the syllables of the word gentleman, and +you will see that the first requisite must be gentleness—<em>gentle</em>-man. +Mackenzie says, “Few persons are sufficiently +aware of the power of gentleness. It is slow in +working, but it is infallible in its results. It makes no +noise; it neither invites attention, nor provokes resistance; +but it is God’s great law, in the moral as in the +natural world, for accomplishing great results. The +progressive dawn of day, the flow of the tide, the lapse +of time, the changes of the seasons—these are carried +on by slow and imperceptible degrees, yet their progress +and issue none can mistake or resist. Equally certain +and surprising are the triumphs of gentleness. It assumes +nothing, yet it can disarm the stoutest opposition; +it yields, but yielding is the element of its strength; it +endures, but in the warfare victory is not gained by doing, +but by suffering.”</p> + +<p>43. Perfect composure of manner requires perfect +peace of mind, so you should, as far as lies in human +power, avoid the evils which make an unquiet mind, and,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">{201}</a></span> +first of all, avoid that cheating, swindling process called +“running in debt.” Owe no man anything; avoid it as +you would avoid war, pestilence, and famine. Hate it +with a perfect hatred. As you value comfort, quiet, and +independence, keep out of debt. As you value a healthy +appetite, placid temper, pleasant dreams, and happy +wakings, keep out of debt. It is the hardest of all +task-masters; the most cruel of all oppressors. It is a +mill-stone about the neck. It is an incubus on the +heart. It furrows the forehead with premature wrinkles. +It drags the nobleness and kindness out of the port and +bearing of a man; it takes the soul out of his laugh, and +all stateliness and freedom from his walk. Come not, +then, under its crushing dominion.</p> + +<p>44. Speak gently; a kind refusal will often wound +less than a rough, ungracious assent.</p> + +<p>45. “In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, +watch your temper; in society, watch your tongue.”</p> + +<p>46. The true secret of pleasing all the world, is to +have an humble opinion of yourself. True goodness is +invariably accompanied by gentleness, courtesy, and humility. +Those people who are always “sticking on their +dignity,” are continually losing friends, making enemies, +and fostering a spirit of unhappiness in themselves.</p> + +<p>47. Are you a merchant? Remember that the counting-house +is no less a school of manners and temper than +a school of morals. Vulgarity, imperiousness, peevishness, +caprice on the part of the heads, will produce their +corresponding effects upon the household. Some merchants +are petty tyrants. Some are too surly to be fit +for any charge, unless it be that of taming a shrew.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">{202}</a></span> +The coarseness of others, in manner and language, must +either disgust or contaminate all their subordinates. In +one establishment you will encounter an unmanly levity, +which precludes all discipline. In another, a mock dignity, +which supplies the juveniles with a standing theme +of ridicule. In a third, a capriciousness of mood and +temper, which reminds one of the prophetic hints of the +weather in the old almanacks—“windy”—“cool”—“very +pleasant”—“blustering”—“look out for storms”—and +the like. And, in a fourth, a selfish acerbity, +which exacts the most unreasonable services, and never +cheers a clerk with a word of encouragement.—These +are sad infirmities. Men ought not to have clerks until +they know how to treat them. Their own comfort, too, +would be greatly enhanced by a different deportment.</p> + +<p>48. If you are about to enter, or leave, a store or any +door, and unexpectedly meet a lady going the other way, +stand aside and raise your hat whilst she passes. If she +is going the same way, and the door is closed, pass before +her, saying, “allow me,” or, “permit me,”—open +the door, and hold it open whilst she passes.</p> + +<p>49. In entering a room where you will meet ladies, +take your hat, cane, and gloves in your left hand, that +your right may be free to offer to them.</p> + +<p>50. Never offer to shake hands with a lady; she will, +if she wishes you to do so, offer her hand to you, and it +is an impertinence for you to do so first.</p> + +<p>51. If you are seated in the most comfortable chair +in a public room, and a lady, an invalid, or an old man +enters, rise, and offer your seat, even if they are +strangers to you. Many men will attend to these civilities<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">{203}</a></span> +when with friends or acquaintances, and neglect +them amongst strangers, but the true gentleman will not +wait for an introduction before performing an act of +courtesy.</p> + +<p>52. As both flattery and slander are in the highest +degree blameable and ungentlemanly, I would quote the +rule of Bishop Beveridge, which effectually prevents both. +He says, “Never speak of a man’s virtue before his +face, nor of his faults behind his back.”</p> + +<p>53. Never enter a room, in which there are ladies, +after smoking, until you have purified both your mouth, +teeth, hair, and clothes. If you wish to smoke just before +entering a saloon, wear an old coat and carefully +brush your hair and teeth before resuming your own.</p> + +<p>54. Never endeavor to attract the attention of a +friend by nudging him, touching his foot or hand secretly, +or making him a gesture. If you cannot speak +to him frankly, you had best let him alone; for these +signals are generally made with the intention of ridiculing +a third person, and that is the height of rudeness.</p> + +<p>55. Button-holding is a common but most blameable +breach of good manners. If a man requires to be forcibly +detained to listen to you, you are as rude in thus detaining +him, as if you had put a pistol to his head and +threatened to blow his brains out if he stirred.</p> + +<p>56. It is a great piece of rudeness to make a remark +in general company, which is intelligible to one person +only. To call out, “George, I met D. L. yesterday, +and he says he will attend to that matter,” is as bad as +if you went to George and whispered in his ear.</p> + +<p>57. In your intercourse with servants, nothing will<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">{204}</a></span> +mark you as a well-bred man, so much as a gentle, +courteous manner. A request will make your wishes attended +to as quickly as a command, and thanks for a +service, oil the springs of the servant’s labor immensely. +Rough, harsh commands may make your orders obeyed +well and promptly, but they will be executed unwillingly, +in fear, and, probably, dislike, while courtesy and kindness +will win a willing spirit as well as prompt service.</p> + +<p>58. Avoid eccentric conduct. It does not, as many suppose, +mark a man of genius. Most men of true genius +are gentlemanly and reserved in their intercourse with +other men, and there are many fools whose folly is called +eccentricity.</p> + +<p>59. Avoid familiarity. Neither treat others with too +great cordiality nor suffer them to take liberties with +you. To check the familiarity of others, you need not +become stiff, sullen, nor cold, but you will find that excessive +politeness on your own part, sometimes with a +little formality, will soon abash the intruder.</p> + +<p>60. Lazy, lounging attitudes in the presence of ladies +are very rude.</p> + +<p>61. It is only the most arrant coxcomb who will boast +of the favor shown him by a lady, speak of her by her +first name, or allow others to jest with him upon his +friendship or admiration for her. If he really admires +her, and has reason to hope for a future engagement with +her, her name should be as sacred to him as if she were +already his wife; if, on the contrary, he is not on intimate +terms with her, then he adds a lie to his excessively +bad breeding, when using her name familiarly.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">{205}</a></span> +62. “He that can please nobody is not so much to be +pitied as he that nobody can please.”</p> + +<p>63. Speak without obscurity or affectation. The first +is a mark of pedantry, the second a sign of folly. A +wise man will speak always clearly and intelligibly.</p> + +<p>64. To betray a confidence is to make yourself despicable. +Many things are said among friends which are +not said under a seal of secrecy, but are understood to +be confidential, and a truly honorable man will never +violate this tacit confidence. It is really as sacred as if +the most solemn promises of silence bound your tongue; +more so, indeed, to the true gentleman, as his sense of +honor, not his word, binds him.</p> + +<p>65. Chesterfield says, “As learning, honor, and virtue +are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration +of mankind, politeness and good breeding are +equally necessary to make you welcome and agreeable +in conversation and common life. Great talents, such +as honor, virtue, learning, and parts are above the generality +of the world, who neither possess them themselves +nor judge of them rightly in others; but all people +are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, affability, +and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; +because they feel the good effects of them, as making +society easy and pleasing.”</p> + +<p>66. “Good sense must, in many cases, determine good +breeding; because the same thing that would be civil at +one time and to one person, may be quite otherwise at +another time and to another person.”</p> + +<p>67. Nothing can be more ill-bred than to meet a polite<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">{206}</a></span> +remark addressed to you, either with inattention or a +rude answer.</p> + +<p>68. Spirit is now a very fashionable word, but it is +terribly misapplied. In the present day to act with spirit +and speak with spirit means to act rashly and speak indiscretely. +A gentleman shows his spirit by firm, but +gentle words and resolute actions. He is spirited but +neither rash nor timid.</p> + +<p>69. “Use kind words. They do not cost much. It +does not take long to utter them. They never blister +the tongue or lips in their passage into the world, or occasion +any other kind of bodily suffering. And we have +never heard of any mental trouble arising from this +quarter.</p> + +<p>“Though they do not <em class="ucsmcap">COST</em> much, yet they <em class="ucsmcap">ACCOMPLISH</em> +much. They help one’s own good nature and good will. +One cannot be in a habit of this kind, without thereby +picking away something of the granite roughness of his +own nature. Soft words will soften his own soul. Philosophers +tell us that the angry words a man uses, in his +passion, are fuel to the flame of his wrath, and make it +blaze the more fiercely. Why, then, should not words +of the opposite character produce opposite results, and +that most blessed of all passions of the soul, kindness, +be augmented by kind words? People that are forever +speaking kindly, are forever disinclining themselves to +ill-temper.</p> + +<p>“Kind words make other people good natured. Cold +words freeze people, and hot words scorch them, and +sarcastic words irritate them, and bitter words make +them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">{207}</a></span> +And kind words also produce their own image on men’s +souls. And a beautiful image it is. They soothe, and +quiet, and comfort the hearer. They shame him out of +his sour, morose, unkind feelings, and he has to become +kind himself.</p> + +<p>“There is such a rush of all other kind of words, in +our days, that it seems desirable to give kind words a +chance among them. There are vain words, and idle +words, and hasty words, and spiteful words, and silly +words, and empty words. Now, kind words are better +than the whole of them, and it is a pity that, among the +improvements of the present age, birds of this feather +might not have more chance than they have had to spread +their wings.</p> + +<p>“Kind words are in danger of being driven from the +field, like frightened pigeons, in these days of boisterous +words, and warlike words, and passionate words. They +have not the brass to stand up, like so many grenadiers, +and fight their own way among the throng. Besides, +they have been out of use so long, that they hardly know +whether they have any right to make their appearance +any more in our bustling world; not knowing but that, +perhaps, the world was done with them, and would not +like their company any more.</p> + +<p>“Let us welcome them back. We have not done with +them. We have not yet begun to use them in such +abundance as they ought to be used. We cannot spare +them.”</p> + +<p>70. The first step towards pleasing every one is to +endeavor to offend no one. To give pain by a light or +jesting remark is as much a breach of etiquette, as to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">{208}</a></span> +give pain by a wound made with a steel weapon, is a +breach of humanity.</p> + +<p>71. “A gentleman will never use his tongue to rail +and brawl against any one; to speak evil of others in +their absence; to exaggerate any of his statements; to +speak harshly to children or to the poor; to swear, lie, +or use improper language; to hazard random and improbable +statements; to speak rashly or violently upon +any subject; to deceive people by circulating false reports, +or to offer up <em>lip</em>-service in religion. But he will use it +to convey to mankind useful information; to instruct his +family and others who need it; to warn and reprove the +wicked; to comfort and console the afflicted; to cheer +the timid and fearful; to defend the innocent and oppressed; +to plead for the widow and orphan; to congratulate +the success of the virtuous, and to confess, +tearfully and prayerfully, his faults.”</p> + +<p>72. Chesterfield says, “Civility is particularly due to +all women; and, remember, that no provocation whatsoever +can justify any man in not being civil to every +woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned +a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It +is due to their sex, and is the only protection they have +against the superior strength of ours; nay, even a little +is allowable with women: and a man may, without +weakness, tell a women she is either handsomer or wiser +than she is.” (Chesterfield would not have said this in +the present age of strong minded, sensible women.)</p> + +<p>73. There is much tact and good breeding to be displayed +in the correction of any little error that may +occur in conversation. To say, shortly,—“You are<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">{209}</a></span> +wrong! I know better!” is rude, and your friends will +much more readily admit an error if you say courteously +and gently, “Pardon me, but I must take the liberty of +correcting you,” or, “You will allow me, I am sure, to +tell you that your informant made an error.” If such +an error is of no real importance, it is better to let it +pass unnoticed.</p> + +<p>74. Intimate friends and relations should be careful +when they go out into the world together, or admit +others to their own circle, that they do not make a bad +use of the knowledge which they have gained of each +other by their intimacy. Nothing is more common than +this; and, did it not mostly proceed from mere carelessness, +it would be superlatively ungenerous. You seldom +need wait for the written life of a man to hear about his +weaknesses, or what are supposed to be such, if you know +his intimate friends, or meet him in company with them.</p> + +<p>75. In making your first visit anywhere, you will be +less apt to offend by being too ceremonious, than by +being too familiar.</p> + +<p>76. With your friends remember the old proverb, that, +“Familiarity breeds contempt.”</p> + +<p>77. If you meet, in society, with any one, be it a +gentleman or a lady, whose timidity or bashfulness, +shows them unaccustomed to meeting others, endeavor, +by your own gentleness and courtesy, to place them more +at ease, and introduce to them those who will aid you in +this endeavor.</p> + +<p>78. If, when walking with a gentleman friend, you +meet a lady to whom your friend bows, you, too, must<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">{210}</a></span> +touch or raise your hat, though you are not acquainted +with the lady.</p> + +<p>79. “Although it is now very much the custom, in +many wealthy families, for the butler to remove the +dishes from the table and carve them on the sideboard, +thus saving trouble to the master or mistress of the +house, and time to the guests, the practice is not so general +even amongst what are called the higher classes of +society that general instructions for carving will be uninteresting +to them, to say nothing of the more numerous +class, who, although enabled to place good dishes before +their friends, are not wealthy enough to keep a butler +if they were so inclined. Good carving is, to a certain +extent, indicative of good society, for it proves to company +that the host does not give a dinner party for the +first time, but is accustomed to receive friends, and frequently +to dispense the cheer of a hospitable board. +The master or mistress of a house, who does not know +how to carve, is not unfrequently looked upon as an ignorant +<i>parvenu</i>, as a person who cannot take a hand at +whist, in good society, is regarded as one who has passed +his time in the parlor of a public house, playing at cribbage +or all fours. Independently, however, of the importance +of knowing how to carve well, for the purpose +of regaling one’s friends and acquaintances, the science, +and it is a science, is a valuable acquirement for any +man, as it enables him, at a public or private dinner, to +render valuable aid. There are many diners-out who +are welcome merely because they know how to carve. +Some men amuse by their conversation; others are favorites +because they can sing a good song; but the man<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">{211}</a></span> +who makes himself useful and agreeable to all, is he who +carves with elegance and speed. We recommend the +novice in this art, to keep a watchful eye upon every superior +carver whom he may meet at dinner. In this way +he will soon become well versed in the art and mystery +of cutting up.”</p> + +<p>80. Years may pass over our heads without affording +an opportunity for acts of high beneficence or extensive +utility; whereas, not a day passes, but in common transactions +of life, and, especially in the intercourse of society, +courtesy finds place for promoting the happiness +of others, and for strengthening in ourselves the habits +of unselfish politeness. There are situations, not a few, +in human life, when an encouraging reception, a condescending +behaviour, and a look of sympathy, bring +greater relief to the heart than the most bountiful gift.</p> + +<p>81. Cecil says, “You may easily make a sensation—but +a sensation is a vulgar triumph. To keep up the +sensation of an excitement, you must be always standing +on your head (morally speaking), and the attitude, like +everything overstrained, would become fatiguing to yourself +and tedious to others. Whereas, to obtain permanent +favor, as an agreeable, well-bred man, requires +simply an exercise of the understanding.”</p> + +<p>82. There is no vice more truly ungentlemanly than +that of using profane language. Lamont says:</p> + +<p>“Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe +there never was a man who made a fortune by common +swearing. It often appears that men pay for swearing, +but it seldom happens that they are paid for it. It is +not easy to perceive what honor or credit is connected<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">{212}</a></span> +with it. Does any man receive promotion because he is +a notable blusterer? Or is any man advanced to dignity +because he is expert at profane swearing? Never. Low +must be the character which such impertinence will +exalt: high must be the character which such impertinence +will not degrade. Inexcusable, therefore, must +be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to +support it. The drunkard has his cups; the satirist, his +revenge; the ambitious man, his preferments; the miser, +his gold; but the common swearer has nothing; he is a +fool at large, sells his soul for nought, and drudges in +the service of the devil gratis. Swearing is void of all +plea; it is not the native offspring of the soul, nor interwoven +with the texture of the body, nor, anyhow, allied +to our frame. For, as Tillotson expresses it, ‘Though +some men pour out oaths as if they were natural, yet no +man was ever born of a swearing constitution.’ But it +is a custom, a low and a paltry custom, picked up by low +and paltry spirits who have no sense of honor, no regard +to decency, but are forced to substitute some rhapsody +of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good sense. +Hence, the silliness of the practice can only be equalled +by the silliness of those who adopt it.”</p> + +<p>83. Dr. Johnson says that to converse well “there +must, in the first place, be knowledge—there must be +materials; in the second place, there must be a command +of words; in the third place, there must be imagination +to place things in such views as they are not commonly +seen in; and, in the fourth place, there must be a +presence of mind, and a resolution that is not to be overcome<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">{213}</a></span> +by failure—this last is an essential requisite; for +want of it, many people do not excel in conversation.”</p> + +<p>84. “Do not constantly endeavor to draw the attention +of all upon yourself when in company. Leave room +for your hearers to imagine something within you beyond +what you speak; and, remember, the more you are +praised the more you will be envied.”</p> + +<p>85. Be very careful to treat with attention and respect +those who have lately met with misfortunes, or +have suffered from loss of fortune. Such persons are +apt to think themselves slighted, when no such thing is +intended. Their minds, being already sore, feel the +least rub very severely, and who would thus cruelly add +affliction to the afflicted? Not the <em>gentleman</em> certainly.</p> + +<p>86. There is hardly any bodily blemish which a winning +behavior will not conceal or make tolerable; and +there is no external grace which ill-nature or affectation +will not deform.</p> + +<p>87. Good humor is the only shield to keep off the +darts of the satirist; but if you are the first to laugh at +a jest made upon yourself, others will laugh <em>with</em> you +instead of <em>at</em> you.</p> + +<p>88. Whenever you see a person insult his inferiors, +you may feel assured that he is the man who will be +servile and cringing to his superiors; and he who acts +the bully to the weak, will play the coward when with +the strong.</p> + +<p>89. Maintain, in every word, a strict regard for +perfect truth. Do not think of one falsity as harmless, +another as slight, a third as unintended. Cast them all +aside. They may be light and accidental, but they are<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">{214}</a></span> +an ugly soot from the smoke of the pit for all that, and +it is better to have your heart swept clean of them, +without stopping to consider whether they are large and +black.</p> + +<p>90. The advantage and necessity of cheerfulness and +intelligent intercourse with the world is strongly to be +recommended. A man who keeps aloof from society and +lives only for himself, does not fulfil the wise intentions +of Providence, who designed that we should be a mutual +help and comfort to each other in life.</p> + +<p>91. Chesterfield says, “Merit and good breeding will +make their way everywhere. Knowledge will introduce +man, and good breeding will endear him to the best +companies; for, politeness and good breeding are absolutely +necessary to adorn any, or all, other good qualities +or talents. Without them, no knowledge, no perfection +whatever, is seen in its best light. The scholar, without +good breeding, is a pedant; the philosopher, a cynic; +the soldier, a brute; and every man disagreeable.”</p> + +<p>92. It is very seldom that a man may permit himself +to tell stories in society; they are, generally, +tedious, and, to many present, will probably have all the +weariness of a “twice-told tale.” A short, brilliant anecdote, +which is especially applicable to the conversation +going on, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit +himself to inflict.</p> + +<p>93. It is better to take the tone of the society into +which you are thrown, than to endeavor to lead others +after you. The way to become truly popular is to be +grave with the grave, jest with the gay, and converse +sensibly with those who seek to display their sense.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">{215}</a></span> +94. Watch each of your actions, when in society, that +all the habits which you contract there may be useful +and good ones. Like flakes of snow that fall unperceived +upon the earth, the seemingly unimportant +events of life succeed one another. As the snow gathers +together, so are our habits formed. No single flake that +is added to the pile produces a sensible change—no single +action creates, however it may exhibit, a man’s character; +but, as the tempest hurls the avalanche down the mountain, +and overwhelms the inhabitant and his habitation, +so passion, acting upon the elements of mischief, which +pernicious habits have brought together by imperceptible +accumulation, may overthrow the edifice of truth and +virtue.</p> + +<p>95. There is no greater fault in good breeding than +too great diffidence. Shyness cramps every motion, +clogs every word. The only way to overcome the fault +is to mix constantly in society, and the habitual intercourse +with others will give you the graceful ease of +manner which shyness utterly destroys.</p> + +<p>96. If you are obliged to leave a large company at +an early hour, take French leave. Slip away unperceived, +if you can, but, at any rate, without any formal +leave-taking.</p> + +<p>97. Avoid quarrels. If you are convinced, even, that +you have the right side in an argument, yield your +opinion gracefully, if this is the only way to avoid a +quarrel, saying, “We cannot agree, I see, but this inability +must not deprive me of a friend, so we will discuss +the subject no further.” Few men will be able to resist +your courtesy and good nature, but many would try to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">{216}</a></span> +combat an obstinate adherence to your own side of the +question.</p> + +<p>98. Avoid the filthy habit of which foreigners in this +country so justly complain—I mean spitting.</p> + +<p>99. If any one bows to you in the street, return the +bow. It may be an acquaintance whose face you do +not immediately recognize, and if it is a stranger who +mistakes you for another, your courteous bow will relieve +him from the embarrassment arising from his mistake.</p> + +<p>100. The following hints on conversation conclude the +chapter:—</p> + +<p>“Conversation may be carried on successfully by persons +who have no idea that it is or may be an art, as +clever things are sometimes done without study. But +there can be no certainty of good conversation in ordinary +circumstances, and amongst ordinary minds, +unless certain rules be observed, and certain errors be +avoided.</p> + +<p>“The first and greatest rule unquestionably is, that +all must be favorably disposed towards each other, and +willing to be pleased. There must be no sullen or uneasy-looking +person—no one who evidently thinks he +has fallen into unsuitable company, and whose sole aim +it is to take care lest his dignity be injured—no one +whose feelings are of so morose or ascetic a kind that he +cannot join without observable pain and hesitation in the +playfulness of the scene—no matter-of-fact person, who +takes all things literally, and means all things literally, +and thinks it as great a crime to say something in jest +as to do it in earnest. One of any of these classes +of persons is sufficient to mar the enjoyments of a hundred.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">{217}</a></span> +The matter-of-factish may do very well with the +matter-of-factish, the morose with the morose, the stilted +with the stilted; and they should accordingly keep +amongst themselves respectively. But, for what is generally +recognized as agreeable conversation, minds exempted +from these peculiarities are required.</p> + +<p>“The ordinary rules of politeness are, of course, necessary—no +rudeness, no offence to each other’s self-esteem; +on the contrary, much mutual deference is required, +in order to keep all the elements of a company +sweet. Sometimes, however, there is a very turbid kind +of conversation, where there is no want of common good +breeding. This, most frequently, arises from there being +too great a disposition to speak, and too small a disposition +to listen. Too many are eager to get their ideas +expressed, or to attract attention; and the consequence +is, that nothing is heard but broken snatches and fragments +of discourse, in which there is neither profit nor +entertainment. No man listens to what another has to +say, and then makes a relative or additionally illustrative +remark. One may be heard for a minute, or half a +minute, but it is with manifest impatience; and the moment +he is done, or stops to draw breath, the other +plunges in with what <em>he</em> had to say, being something +quite of another strain, and referring to another subject. +He in his turn is interrupted by a third, with the enunciation +of some favorite ideas of his, equally irrelative; +and thus conversation becomes no conversation, but a +contention for permission to speak a few hurried words, +which nobody cares to hear, or takes the trouble to +answer. Meanwhile, the modest and weak sit silent and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">{218}</a></span> +ungratified. The want of regulation is here very manifest. +It would be better to have a president who should +allow everybody a minute in succession to speak without +interruption, than thus to have freedom, and so monstrously +to abuse it. The only remedy, as far as meetings +by invitation are concerned, is to take care that no +more eager talkers are introduced than are absolutely +necessary to prevent conversation from flagging. One +to every six or eight persons is the utmost that can be +safely allowed.</p> + +<p>“The danger of introducing politics, or any other notoriously +controversial subject, in mixed companies, is so +generally acknowledged, that conversation is in little +danger—at least in polite circles—from that source. +But wranglements, nevertheless, are apt to arise. Very +frequently the company falls together by the ears in +consequence of the starting of some topic in which facts +are concerned—with which facts no one chances to be +acquainted.</p> + +<p>“Conversation is often much spoilt through slight inattentions +or misapprehensions on the part of a particular +member of the company. In the midst of some interesting +narrative or discussion, he suddenly puts all to +a stop, in order that some little perplexity may be explained, +which he could never have fallen into, if he had +been paying a fair degree of attention to what was going +on. Or he has some precious prejudice jarred upon by +something said, or supposed to be said, and all is at a +stand, till he has been, through the united exertions of a +vexed company, re-assured and put at his ease. Often +the most frivolous interruption from such causes will disconcert<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">{219}</a></span> +the whole strain of the conversation, and spoil +the enjoyment of a score of people.</p> + +<p>“The eager speakers, already alluded to, are a different +class from those who may be called the determinedly +loquacious. A thoroughly loquacious man has no idea +of anything but a constant outpouring of talk from his +own mouth. If he stops for a moment, he thinks he +is not doing his duty to the company; and, anxious that +there should be no cause of complaint against him on +that score, he rather repeats a sentence, or gives the +same idea in different words, or hums and haws a little, +than allow the least pause to take place. The notion +that any other body can be desirous of saying a word, +never enters his head. He would as soon suppose that +a beggar was anxious to bestow alms upon him, as that +any one could wish to speak, as long as he himself was +willing to save them the trouble. Any attempt to interrupt +him is quite hopeless. The only effect of the sound +of another voice is to raise the sound of his own, so as +to drown it. Even to give a slight twist or turn to the +flow of his ideas, is scarce possible. When a decided +attempt is made to get in a few words, he only says, with +an air of offended feeling, set off with a tart courtesy, +‘Allow me, sir,’ or, ‘When you are done, sir;’ as if he +were a man whom nobody would allow, on any occasion, +to say all he had to say. If, however, he has been permitted +to talk on and on incessantly a whole evening, +to the complete closing of the mouths of the rest, he +goes away with all the benevolent glow of feeling which +arises from a gratified faculty, remarking to the gentleman +who takes his arm, ‘What a great deal of pleasant<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">{220}</a></span> +conversation we have had!’ and chatters forth all the +way home such sentences as, ‘Excellent fellow, our host,’ +‘charming wife,’ ‘delightful family altogether,’ ‘always +make everybody so happy.’</p> + +<p>“Another class of spoilers of conversation are the loud +talkers or blusterers. They are not numerous, but one +is enough to destroy the comfort of thirty people for a +whole evening. The least opposition to any of his ideas +makes the blusterer rise in his might, and bellow, and +roar, and bellow again, till the whole company is in +something like the condition of Æneas’s fleet after Eolus +has done his worst. The society enjoyed by this kind +of man is a series of <em>first invitations</em>.</p> + +<p>“While blusterers and determinedly loquacious persons +are best left to themselves, and while endless worryings +on unknown things are to be avoided, it is necessary +both that one or two good conversationists should be at +every party, and that the strain of the conversation +should not be allowed to become too tame. In all invited +parties, eight of every ten persons are disposed to +hold their peace, or to confine themselves to monosyllabic +answers to commonplace inquiries. It is necessary, +therefore, that there should be <em>some</em> who can speak, and +that fluently, if not entertainingly—only not too many. +But all engrossing of conversation, and all turbulence, +and over-eagerness, and egotism, are to be condemned. +A very soft and quiet manner has, at last, been settled +upon, in the more elevated circles, as the best for conversation. +Perhaps they carry it to a pitch of affectation; +but, yet, when we observe the injurious consequences +of the opposite style in less polite companies, it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">{221}</a></span> +is not easy to avoid the conclusion that the great folks +are, upon the whole, right. In the courtly scene, no +one has his ears offended with loud and discordant tones, +no one is condemned to absolute silence. All display in +conversation will not depend on the accidental and external +quality of strength of voice, as it must do where +a loud and contentious style of talking is allowed; the +soft-toned and the weak-lunged will have as good a +chance as their more robust neighbors; and it will be +possible for all both to speak and to hear. There may +be another advantage in its being likely to produce less +mental excitement than the more turbulent kind of society. +But <em>regulation</em> is, we are persuaded, the thing +most of all wanted in the conversational meetings of the +middle classes. People interrupt each other too much—are +too apt to run away into their own favorite themes, +without caring for the topic of their neighbors—too frequently +wrangle about trifles. The regularity of a debating +society would be intolerable; but some certain +degree of method might certainly be introduced with +great advantage. There should, at least, be a vigorous +enforcement of the rule against more than one speaking +at a time, even though none of those waiting for their +turn should listen to a word he says. Without this there +may be much talk, and even some merriment, but no conversation.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">{222}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XII" id="CHAPTER_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII.<br /> +<span class="sub">PARTIES.</span></h2> + +<p>Now, there are many different kinds of parties. +There are the evening party, the matinée, the reading, +dancing, and singing parties, the picnic, the boating, +and the riding parties; and the duties for each one are +distinct, yet, in many points, similar. Our present subject +is:—</p> + +<h3>THE EVENING PARTY.</h3> + +<p>These are of two kinds, large and small. For the +first, you will receive a formal card, containing the compliments +of your hostess for a certain evening, and this +calls for full dress, a dress coat, and white or very light +gloves. To the small party you will probably be invited +verbally, or by a more familiar style of note than the +compliment card. Here you may wear gloves if you +will, but you need not do so unless perfectly agreeable to +yourself.</p> + +<p>If you are to act as escort to a lady, you must call at +the hour she chooses to name, and the most elegant way +is to take a carriage for her. If you wish to present a +bouquet, you may do so with perfect propriety, even if +you have but a slight acquaintance with her.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">{223}</a></span> +When you reach the house of your hostess for the +evening, escort your companion to the dressing-room, +and leave her at the door. After you have deposited +your own hat and great-coat in the gentlemen’s dressing-room, +return to the ladies’ door and wait for your companion. +Offer her your right arm, and lead her to the +drawing-room, and, at once, to the hostess, then take her +to a seat, and remain with her until she has other companions, +before you seek any of your own friends in the +room.</p> + +<p>There is much more real enjoyment and sociability in +a <em>well-arranged</em> party, than in a ball, though many of +the points of etiquette to be observed in the latter are +equally applicable to the former. There is more time +allowed for conversation, and, as there are not so many +people collected, there is also more opportunity for +forming acquaintances. At a <i>soirée</i>, <i>par excellence</i>, +music, dancing, and conversation are all admissible, and +if the hostess has tact and discretion this variety is very +pleasing. As there are many times when there is no +pianist or music engaged for dancing, you will do well, +if you are a performer on the piano-forte, to learn some +quadrilles, and round dances, that you may volunteer +your services as <i>orchestra</i>. Do not, in this case, wait to +be solicited to play, but offer your services to the hostess, +or, if there is a lady at the piano, ask permission to relieve +her. To turn the leaves for another, and sometimes +call figures, are also good natured and well-bred +actions.</p> + +<p>There is one piece of rudeness very common at parties, +against which I would caution you. Young people very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">{224}</a></span> +often form a group, and indulge in the most boisterous +merriment and loud laughter, for jests known only to +themselves. Do not join such a group. A well-bred +man, while he is cheerful and gay, will avoid any appearance +of romping in society.</p> + +<p>If dancing is to be the amusement for the evening, +your first dance should be with the lady whom you accompanied, +then, invite your hostess, and, if there are +several ladies in the family you must invite each of them +once, in the course of the evening. If you go alone, +invite the ladies of the house before dancing with any +of your other lady friends.</p> + +<p>Never attempt any dance with which you are not perfectly +familiar. Nothing is more awkward and annoying +than to have one dancer, by his ignorance of the +figures, confuse all the others in the set, and certainly +no man wants to show off his ignorance of the steps of +a round dance before a room full of company.</p> + +<p>Do not devote yourself too much to one lady. A +party is meant to promote sociability, and a man who +persists in a tête-à-tête for the evening, destroys this intention. +Besides you prevent others from enjoying the +pleasure of intercourse with the lady you thus monopolize.</p> + +<p>Avoid any affectation of great intimacy with any lady +present; and even if you really enjoy such intimacy, or +she is a relative, do not appear to have confidential conversation, +or, in any other way, affect airs of secrecy or +great familiarity.</p> + +<p>Dance easily and gracefully, keeping perfect time, +but not taking too great pains with your steps. If your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">{225}</a></span> +whole attention is given to your feet or carriage, you will +probably be mistaken for a dancing master.</p> + +<p>When you conduct your partner to a seat after a +dance, you may sit or stand beside her to converse, unless +you see that another gentleman is waiting to invite +her to dance.</p> + +<p>Do not take the vacant seat next a lady unless you +are acquainted with her.</p> + +<p>After dancing, do not offer your hand, but your arm, +to conduct your partner to her seat.</p> + +<p>If music is called for and you are able to play or sing, +do so when first invited, or, if you refuse then, do not +afterwards comply. If you refuse, and then alter your +mind you will either be considered a vain coxcomb, who +likes to be urged; or some will conclude that you refused +at first from mere caprice, for, if you had a good reason +for declining, why change your mind?</p> + +<p>Never offer to turn the leaves of music for any one +playing, unless you can read the notes, for you run the +risk of confusing them, by turning too soon or too late.</p> + +<p>If you sing a good second, never sing with a lady unless +she herself invites you. Her friends may wish to +hear you sing together, when she herself may not wish +to sing with one to whose voice and time she is unaccustomed.</p> + +<p>Do not start a conversation whilst any one is either +playing or singing, and if another person commences one, +speak in a tone that will not prevent others from listening +to the music.</p> + +<p>If you play yourself, do not wait for silence in the +room before you begin. If you play well, those really<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">{226}</a></span> +fond of music will cease to converse, and listen to you; +and those who do not care for it, will not stop talking +if you wait upon the piano stool until day dawn.</p> + +<p>Relatives should avoid each other at a party, as they +can enjoy one another’s society at home, and it is the +constantly changing intercourse, and complete sociability +that make a party pleasant.</p> + +<p>Private concerts and amateur theatricals are very often +the occasions for evening parties, and make a very pleasant +variety on the usual dancing and small talk. An +English writer, speaking of them, says:</p> + +<p>“Private concerts and amateur theatricals ought to be +very good to be successful. Professionals alone should +be engaged for the former, none but real amateurs for the +latter. Both ought to be, but rarely are, followed by a +supper, since they are generally very fatiguing, if not +positively trying. In any case, refreshments and ices +should be handed between the songs and the acts. Private +concerts are often given in the ‘morning,’ that is, +from two to six <span class="ucsmcap">P. M.</span>; in the evening their hours are +from eight to eleven. The rooms should be arranged in +the same manner as for a reception, the guests should be +seated, and as music is the avowed object, a general +silence preserved while it lasts. Between the songs the +conversation ebbs back again, and the party takes the +general form of a reception. For private theatricals, +however, where there is no special theatre, and where the +curtain is hung, as is most common, between the folding-doors, +the audience-room must be filled with chairs and +benches in rows, and, if possible, the back rows raised +higher than the others. These are often removed when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">{227}</a></span> +the performance is over, and the guests then converse, +or, sometimes, even dance. During the acting it is rude +to talk, except in a very low tone, and, be it good or +bad, you would never think of hissing.”</p> + +<p>If you are alone, and obliged to retire early from an +evening party, do not take leave of your hostess, but slip +away unperceived.</p> + +<p>If you have escorted a lady, her time must be yours, +and she will tell you when she is ready to go. See +whether the carriage has arrived before she goes to the +dressing-room, and return to the parlor to tell her. If +the weather was pleasant when you left home, and you +walked, ascertain whether it is still pleasant; if not, procure +a carriage for your companion. When it is at the +door, join her in the drawing-room, and offer your arm +to lead her to the hostess for leave-taking, making your +own parting bow at the same time, then take your companion +to the door of the ladies’ dressing-room, get your +own hat and wait in the entry until she comes out.</p> + +<p>When you reach your companion’s house, do not accept +her invitation to enter, but ask permission to call in +the morning, or the following evening, and make that +call.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">{228}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIII" id="CHAPTER_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII.<br /> +<span class="sub">COURTESY AT HOME.</span></h2> + +<p>There are many men in this world, who would be +horror struck if accused of the least breach of etiquette +towards their friends and acquaintances abroad, and yet, +who will at home utterly disregard the simplest rules of +politeness, if such rules interfere in the least with their +own selfish gratification. They disregard the pure and +holy ties which should make courtesy at home a pleasure +as well as a duty. They forget that home has a sweet +poetry of its own, created out of the simplest materials, +yet, haunting, more or less, the secret recesses of every +human heart; it is divided into a thousand separate +poems, which should be full of individual interest, little +quiet touches of feeling and golden recollections, which, +in the heart of a truly noble man, are interwoven with +his very being. Common things are, to him, hallowed +and made beautiful by the spell of memory and association, +owing all their glory to the halo of his own pure, +fond affection. The eye of a stranger rests coldly on +such revelations; their simple pathos is hard to be understood; +and they smile oftentimes at the quaintness +of those passages which make others weep. With the +beautiful instinct of true affection, home love retains<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">{229}</a></span> +only the good. There were clouds then, even as now, +darkening the horizon of daily life, and breaking tears +or wild storms above our heads; but he remembers nothing +save the sunshine, and fancies somehow that it has +never shone so bright since! How little it took to make +him happy in those days, aye, and sad also; but it was +a pleasant sadness, for he wept only over a flower or a +book. But let us turn to our first poem; and in using +this term we allude, of course, to the poetry of idea, +rather than that of the measure; beauty of which is so +often lost to us from a vague feeling that it cannot exist +without rhythm. But pause and listen, first of all, +gentle reader, to the living testimony of a poet heart, +brimful, and gushing over with home love:—“There are +not, in the unseen world, voices more gentle and more +true, that may be more implicitly relied on, or that are +so certain to give none but the tenderest counsel, as the +voices in which the spirits of the fireside and the hearth +address themselves to human kind!”</p> + +<p>The man who shows his contempt for these holy ties +and associations by pulling off his mask of courtesy as soon +as his foot passes his own threshold, is not really a gentleman, +but a selfish tyrant, whose true qualities are not +courtesy and politeness, but a hypocritical affectation of +them, assumed to obtain a footing in society. Avoid +such men. Even though you are one of the favored +ones abroad who receive their gentle courtesy, you may +rest assured that the heartless egotism which makes them +rude and selfish at home, will make their friendship but +a name, if circumstances ever put it to the test. Above +all, avoid their example.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">{230}</a></span> +In what does the home circle consist? First, there +are the parents who have watched over your infancy +and childhood, and whom you are commanded by the +Highest Power to “honor.” Then the brothers and sisters, +the wife who has left her own home and all its +tender ties for your sake, and the children who look to +you for example, guidance, and instruction.</p> + +<p>Who else on the broad earth can lay the same claim +to your gentleness and courtesy that they can? If you +are rude at home, then is your politeness abroad a mere +cloak to conceal a bad, selfish heart.</p> + +<p>The parents who have anxiously watched over your +education, have the first right to the fruits of it, and all +the <em>gentleman</em> should be exerted to repay them for the +care they have taken of you since your birth. All the +rules of politeness, of generosity, of good nature, patience, +and respectful affection should be exerted for +your parents. You owe to them a pure, filial love, void +of personal interest, which should prompt you to study +all their tastes, their likes, and aversions, in order to indulge +the one and avoid the other; you owe to them polite +attention, deference to all their wishes, and compliance +with their requests. Every joy will be doubled to +them, if you show a frank pleasure in its course, and no +comfort can soothe the grief of a parent so much as the +sympathizing love of a dutiful son. If they are old, dependent +upon you for support, then can you still better +prove to them that the tender care they lavished upon +you, when you depended upon their love for everything, +was not lost, but was good seed sown upon fruitful +ground. Nay, if with the infirmities of age come the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">{231}</a></span> +crosses of bad temper, or exacting selfishness, your duty +still lies as plainly before you. It is but the promptings +of natural affection that will lead you to love and cherish +an indulgent parent; but it is a pure, high virtue which +makes a son love and cherish with an equal affection a +selfish, negligent mother, or a tyrannical, harsh father. +No failure in their duty can excuse you if you fail in +yours; and, even if they are wicked, you are not to be +their judge, but, while you detest and avoid their sin, +you must still love the sinner. Nothing but the grossest +and most revolting brutality could make a man reproach +his parents with the feebleness of age or illness, or the +incapacity to exert their talents for support.</p> + +<p>An eminent writer, in speaking of a man’s duties, +says: “Do all in your power to render your parents +comfortable and happy; if they are aged and infirm, be +with them as often as you can, carry them tokens of +your love, and show them that you feel a tender interest +in their happiness. Be all to your parents, which you +would wish your children to be to you.”</p> + +<p>Next, in the home circle, come your brothers and sisters, +and here you will find the little courtesies, which, +as a gentleman, should be habitual to you, will ensure +the love a man should most highly prize, the love of his +brother and sister. Next to his filial love, this is the +first tie of his life, and should be valued as it deserves.</p> + +<p>If you are the eldest of the family, you may, by your +example, influence your brothers to good or evil, and win +or alienate the affections of your little sisters. There is +scarcely a more enthusiastic affection in the world than +that a sister feels for an elder brother. Even though he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">{232}</a></span> +may not repay the devotion as it deserves, she will generally +cherish it, and invest him with the most heroic +qualities, while her tender little heart, though it may +quiver with the pain of a harsh word or rude action, will +still try to find an excuse for “brother’s” want of affection. +If you show an interest in the pursuits of the +little circle at whose head your age entitles you to stand, +you will soon find they all look up to you, seek your advice, +crave your sympathy, and follow your example. +The eldest son holds a most responsible position. Should +death or infirmity deprive him of a father’s counsel, he +should be prepared to stand forth as the head of the +family, and take his father’s place towards his mother +and the younger children.</p> + +<p>Every man should feel, that in the character and dignity +of his sisters his own honor is involved. An insult +or affront offered to them, becomes one to him, and he +is the person they will look to for protection, and to +prevent its repetition. By his own manner to them he +can ensure to them the respect or contempt of other +men whom they meet when in his society. How can he +expect that his friends will treat his sisters with gentleness, +respect, and courtesy, if they see him constantly +rude, disrespectful, and contemptuous towards them? +But, if his own manner is that of affectionate respect, +he need not fear for them rudeness from others, while +they are under his protection. An American writer +says:—</p> + +<p>“Nothing in a family strikes the eye of a visitor with +more delight than to see brothers treat their sisters with +kindness, civility, attention, and love. On the contrary,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">{233}</a></span> +nothing is more offensive or speaks worse for the honor +of a family, than that coarse, rude, unkind manner which +brothers sometimes exhibit.”</p> + +<p>The same author says:—</p> + +<p>“Beware how you speak of your sisters. Even gold +is tarnished by much handling. If you speak in their +praise—of their beauty, learning, manners, wit, or attentions—you +will subject them to taunt and ridicule; +if you say anything against them, you will bring reproach +upon yourself and them too. If you have occasion +to speak of them, do it with modesty and few words. +Let others do all the praising and yourself enjoy it. If +you are separated from them, maintain with them a correspondence. +This will do yourself good as well as them. +Do not neglect this duty, nor grow remiss in it. Give +your friendly advice and seek theirs in return. As they +mingle intimately with their sex, they can enlighten your +mind respecting many particulars relating to female +character, important for you to know; and, on the other +hand, you have the same opportunity to do them a +similar service. However long or widely separated from +them, keep up your fraternal affection and intercourse. +It is ominous of evil when a young man forgets his +sister.</p> + +<p>“If you are living at home with them, you may do +them a thousand little services, which will cost you nothing +but pleasure, and which will greatly add to theirs. +If they wish to go out in the evening—to a lecture, concert, +a visit, or any other object,—always be happy, if +possible, to wait upon them. Consider their situation,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">{234}</a></span> +and think how you would wish them to treat you if the +case were reversed.”</p> + +<p>A young man once said to an elderly lady, who expressed +her regret at his having taken some trouble and +denied himself a pleasure to gratify her:—</p> + +<p>“Madam, I am far away from my mother and sisters +now, but when I was at home, my greatest pleasure was +to protect them and gratify all their wishes; let me now +place you in their stead, and you will not have cause +again to feel regret, for you can think ‘he <em>must love</em> to +deny himself for one who represents his mother.’”</p> + +<p>The old lady afterwards spoke of him as a perfect +gentleman, and was contradicted by a younger person +who quoted some fault in etiquette committed by the +young man in company. “Ah, that may be,” said her +friend; “but what I call a gentleman, is not the man +who performs to the minutest point all the little ceremonies +of society, but the one whose <em>heart</em> prompts him to +be polite at home.”</p> + +<p>If you have left the first home circle, that comprising +your parents, brothers, and sisters, to take up the duties +of a husband and father, you must carry to your new +home the same politeness I have advised you to exert in +the home of your childhood.</p> + +<p>Your wife claims your courtesy more now, even, than +when you were courting her. She has given up, for +your sake, all the freedom and pleasures of her maidenhood, +and to you she looks for a love that will replace +them all. Can you disappoint that trusting affection? +Before your marriage you thought no stretch of courtesy +too great, if the result was to afford her pleasure; why,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">{235}</a></span> +then, not strive to <em>keep</em> her love, by the same gentle +courtesy you exerted to <em>win</em> it?</p> + +<p>“A delicate attention to the minute wants and wishes +of your wife, will tend, more than anything else, to the +promotion of your domestic happiness. It requires no +sacrifices, occupies but a small degree of attention, yet +is the fertile source of bliss; since it convinces the object +of your regard, that, with the duties of a husband, +you have united the more punctilious behaviour of a +lover. These trivial tokens of regard certainly make +much way in the affections of a woman of sense and discernment, +who looks not to the value of the gifts she receives, +but perceives in their frequency a continued evidence +of the existence and ardor of that love on which +the superstructure of her happiness has been erected. +The strongest attachment will decline, if you receive it +with diminished warmth.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. Thrale gives the following advice, which is worth +the consideration of every young man:</p> + +<p>“After marriage,” she says, “when your violence of +passion subsides, and a more cool and tranquil affection +takes its place, be not hasty to censure as indifferent, or +to lament yourself as unhappy; you have lost that only +which it is impossible to retain; and it were graceless +amidst the pleasures of a prosperous summer, to regret +the blossoms of a transient spring. Neither unwarily +condemn your bride’s insipidity, till you have recollected +that no object, however sublime, no sound, however +charming, can continue to transport us with delight, +when they no longer strike us with novelty. The skill +to renovate the powers of pleasing is said, indeed, to be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">{236}</a></span> +possessed by some women in an eminent degree, but the +artifices of maturity are seldom seen to adorn the innocence +of youth. You have made your choice and ought +to approve it.</p> + +<p>“To be happy, we must always have something in +view. Turn, therefore, your attention to her mind, +which will daily grow brighter by polishing. Study some +easy science together, and acquire a similarity of tastes, +while you enjoy a community of pleasures. You will, +by this means, have many pursuits in common, and be +freed from the necessity of separating to find amusement; +endeavor to cement the present union on every +side; let your wife never be kept ignorant of your income, +your expenses, your friendships, or your aversions; +let her know your very faults, but make them +amiable by your virtues; consider all concealment as a +breach of fidelity; let her never have anything to find +out in your character, and remember that from the moment +one of the partners turns spy upon the other, they +have commenced a state of hostility.</p> + +<p>“Seek not for happiness in singularity, and dread a +refinement of wisdom as a deviation into folly. Listen +not to those sages who advise you always to scorn the +counsel of a woman, and if you comply with her requests +pronounce you to be wife-ridden. Think not any privation, +except of positive evil, an excellence; and do not +congratulate yourself that your wife is not a learned +lady, or is wholly ignorant how to make a pudding. +Cooking and learning are both good in their places, and +may both be used with advantage. With regard to expense, +I can only observe, that the money laid out in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">{237}</a></span> +purchase of luxuries is seldom or ever profitably employed. +We live in an age when splendid furniture and +glittering equipage are grown too common to catch the +notice of the meanest spectator; and for the greater +ones, they can only regard our wasteful folly with silent +contempt or open indignation.</p> + +<p>“This may, perhaps, be a displeasing reflection; but +the following consideration ought to make amends. The +age we live in pays, I think, a peculiar attention to the +higher distinctions of wit, knowledge, and virtue, to +which we may more safely, more cheaply, and more +honorably aspire.</p> + +<p>“The person of your lady will not grow more pleasing +to you; but, pray, let her not suspect that it grows less +so. There is no reproof, however pointed, no punishment, +however severe, that a woman of spirit will not +prefer to neglect; and if she can endure it without complaint, +it only proves that she means to make herself +amends by the attention of others for the slights of her +husband. For this, and for every other reason, it behoves +a married man not to let his politeness fail, though +his ardour may abate; but to retain, at least, that general +civility towards his own lady which he is willing to pay +to every other, and not show a wife of eighteen or twenty +years old, that every man in company can treat her with +more complaisance than he who so often vowed to her +eternal fondness.</p> + +<p>“It is not my opinion that a young woman should be +indulged in every wild wish of her gay heart, or giddy +head; but contradiction may be softened by domestic +kindness, and quiet pleasures substituted in the place of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">{238}</a></span> +noisy ones. Public amusements, indeed, are not so expensive +as is sometimes imagined; but they tend to alienate +the minds of married people from each other. A well-chosen +society of friends and acquaintances, more eminent +for virtue and good sense than for gaiety and +splendor, where the conversation of the day may afford +comment for the evening, seems the most rational pleasure +that can be afforded. That your own superiority +should always be seen, but never felt, seems an excellent +general rule.</p> + +<p>“If your wife is disposed towards jealousy of you, +let me beseech you be always explicit with her, never mysterious. +Be above delighting in her pain in all things.”</p> + +<p>After your duty to your wife comes that towards the +children whom God lends to you, to fit them to return +pure and virtuous to him. This is your task, responsibility, +and trust, to be undertaken prayerfully, earnestly, +and humbly, as the highest and most sacred duty this +life ever can afford you.</p> + +<p>The relationship between parent and child, is one that +appears to have been ordained by Providence, to bring +the better feelings of mankind and many domestic virtues +into active exercise. The implicit confidence with which +children, when properly treated, look up to their elders +for guidance is not less beautiful than endearing; and no +parents can set about the work of guiding aright, in +real earnest, without deriving as much good as they impart. +The feeling with which this labor of love would +be carried forward is, as the poet writes of mercy, twice +blessed:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">“It blesses him that gives and him that takes.”</span> +</div></div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">{239}</a></span> +And yet, in daily life and experience, how seldom do we +find these views realized! Children, in too many instances, +are looked on as anything but a blessing; they +are treated as incumbrances, or worse; and the neglect +in which they are brought up, renders it almost impossible +for them, when they grow older, to know anything +properly of moral or social duties. This result we know, +in numerous cases, is not willful, does not arise from ill +intentions on the part of parents, but from want of fixed +plans and principles. There are hundreds of families in +this country whose daily life is nothing better than a +daily scramble, where time and place, from getting up +in the morning to going to bed at night, are regarded as +matters of chance. In such homes as these, where the +inmates are willing to do well, but don’t know how, a +word in season is often welcome. “Great principles,” +we are told, “are at the bottom of all things; but to +apply them to daily life, many little rules, precautions, +and insights are needed.”</p> + +<p>The work of training is, in some degree, lightened by +the fact, that children are very imitative; what they see +others do, they will try to do themselves, and if they see +none but good examples, good conduct on their part may +naturally be looked for. Children are keen observers, +and are very ready at drawing conclusions when they +see a want of correspondence between profession and +practice, in those who have the care of them. At the +age of seven, the child’s brain has reached its full +growth; it seldom becomes larger after that period, and +it then contains the germ of all that the man ever accomplishes. +Here is an additional reason for laying<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">{240}</a></span> +down the precept:—be yourselves what you wish the +children to be. When correction is necessary, let it be +administered in such a way as to make the child refrain +from doing wrong from a desire to do right, not for the +sole reason that wrong brings punishment. All experience +teaches us that if a good thing is to be obtained, +it must be by persevering diligence; and of all good +things, the pleasure arising from a well-trained family is +one of the greatest. Parents, or educators, have no +right to use their children just as whim or prejudice may +dictate. Children are smaller links in the great social +chain, and bind together in lasting ties many portions +which otherwise would be completely disjointed; their +joyousness enlivens many a home, and their innocence +is a powerful check and antidote to much that is evil. +The implicit obedience which is required of them, will +always be given when called forth by a spirit of forbearance, +self-sacrifice, and love:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i5">“Ere long comes the reward,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And for the cares and toils we have endured,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Repays us joys and pleasures manifold.”<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>If you cherish and honor your own parents, then do +you give your children the most forcible teaching for +their duty, <em>example</em>. And your duty to your children +requires your example to be good in all things. How +can you expect counsel to virtue to have any effect, if +you constantly contradict it by a bad example? Do not +forget, that early impressions are deep and lasting, +and from their infancy let them see you keep an upright, +noble walk in life, then may you hope to see them follow +in your footsteps.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">{241}</a></span> +Justice, as a sentiment, is inborn, and no one distinguishes +its niceties more quickly than a child. Therefore +in your rewards and punishments examine carefully +every part of their conduct, and judge calmly, not +hastily, and be sure you are just. An unmerited reward +will make a child question your judgment as much as an +unmerited punishment.</p> + +<p>Guard your temper. Never reprove a child in the +heat of passion.</p> + +<p>If your sons see that you regard the rules of politeness +in your home, you will find that they treat their +mother and sisters with respect and courtesy, and observe, +even in play, the rules of etiquette your example teaches; +but if you are a domestic tyrant, all your elder and +stronger children will strive to act like “father,” by ill-treating +or neglecting the younger and weaker ones.</p> + +<p>Make them, from the moment they begin to talk, use +pure and grammatical language, avoid slang phrases, and, +above all, profanity. You will find this rule, enforced +during childhood, will have more effect than a library full +of books or the most unwearied instruction can accomplish, +after bad habits in conversation have once been +formed.</p> + +<p>Make them, from early childhood, observe the rules +of politeness towards each other. Let your sons treat +your daughters as, when men, you would have them treat +other females, and let your daughters, by gentleness and +love, repay these attentions. You may feel sure that +the brothers and sisters, who are polite one to another, +will not err in etiquette when abroad.</p> + +<p>In the home circle may very properly be included the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">{242}</a></span> +humble portion, whose onerous duties are too often repaid +by harshness and rudeness; I mean the servants. +A true gentleman, while he never allows familiarity from +his servants, will always remember that they are human +beings, who feel kindness or rudeness as keenly as the +more favored ones up stairs. Chesterfield says:—</p> + +<p>“There is a certain politeness <em>due</em> to your inferiors, +and whoever is without it, is without good nature. We +do not need to compliment our servants, nor to talk of +their doing us the honor, &c., but we ought to treat them +with benevolence and mildness. We are all of the same +species, and no distinction whatever is between us, except +that which arises from fortune. For example, your +footman and cook would be your equals were they as +rich as you. Being poor they are obliged to serve you. +Therefore, you must not add to their misfortunes by insulting +or ill-treating them. If your situation is preferable +to theirs, be thankful, without either despising them +or being vain of your better fortune. You must, therefore, +treat all your inferiors with affability and good +manners, and not speak to them in a surly tone, nor +with harsh expressions, as if they were of a different +species. A good heart never reminds people of their +inferiority, but endeavors to alleviate their misfortunes, +and make them forget them.”</p> + +<p>“Example,” says Mrs. Parkes, “is of the greatest importance +to our servants, particularly those who are +young, whose habits are frequently formed by the first +service they enter. With the mild and good, they become +softened and improved, but with the dissipated and +violent, are too often disorderly and vicious. It is,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">{243}</a></span> +therefore, not among the least of the duties incumbent +on the head of the family, to place in their view such +examples as are worthy their imitation. But these examples, +otherwise praiseworthy, should neither be rendered +disagreeable, nor have their force diminished by +any accompaniment of ill humor. Rather by the happiness +and comfort resulting from our conduct towards +our domestics, should they be made sensible of the +beauty of virtue. What we admire, we often strive to +imitate, and thus they may be led on to imitate good +principles, and to form regular and virtuous habits.”</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">{244}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIV" id="CHAPTER_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV.<br /> +<span class="sub">TRUE COURTESY.</span></h2> + +<p>Politeness is the art of pleasing. It is to the deportment +what the finer touches of the pencil are to the +picture, or what harmony is to music. In the formation +of character, it is indispensably requisite. “We +are all,” says Locke, “a kind of chameleons, that take +a tincture from the objects which surround us.” True +courtesy, indeed, chiefly consists in accommodating ourselves +to the feelings of others, without descending from +our own dignity, or denuding ourselves of our own principles. +By constant intercourse with society, we acquire +what is called politeness almost intuitively, as the shells +of the sea are rendered smooth by the unceasing friction +of the waves; though there appears to be a natural +grace about the well-bred, which many feel it difficult to +attain.</p> + +<p>Religion itself teaches us to honor all men, and to do +unto others as we would others do unto us. This includes +the whole principle of courtesy, which in this we +may remark, assimilates to the principle of justice. It +comprises, indeed, all the moral virtues in one, consisting +not merely in external show, but having its principle in +the heart. The politeness which superficial writers are<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">{245}</a></span> +fond of describing, has been defined as “the appearance +of all the virtues, without possessing one of them;” +but by this is meant the mere outward parade, or that +kind of artificial adornment of demeanor, which owes its +existence to an over-refinement of civility. Anything +forced or formal is contrary to the very character of +courtesy, which does not consist in a becoming deportment +alone, but is prompted and guided by a superior +mind, impelling the really polite person to bear with the +failings of some, to overlook the weakness of others, and +to endure patiently the caprices of all. Indeed, one of +the essential characteristics of courtesy is good nature, +and an inclination always to look at the bright side of +things.</p> + +<p>The principal rules of politeness are, to subdue the +temper, to submit to the weakness of our fellow men, +and to render to all their due, freely and courteously. +These, with the judgment to recommend ourselves to +those whom we meet in society, and the discrimination +to know when and to whom to yield, as well as the discretion +to treat all with the deference due to their reputation, +station, or merit, comprise, in general, the character +of a polite man, over which the admission of even +one blot or shade will throw a blemish not easily removed.</p> + +<p>Sincerity is another essential characteristic of courtesy; +for, without it, the social system would have no permanent +foundation or hope of continuance. It is the want +of this which makes society, what it is said to be, artificial.</p> + +<p>Good breeding, in a great measure, consists in being<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">{246}</a></span> +easy, but not indifferent; good humored, but not familiar; +passive, but not unconcerned. It includes, also, +a sensibility nice, yet correct; a tact delicate, yet true. +There is a beautiful uniformity in the demeanor of a polite +man; and it is impossible not to be struck with his +affable air. There is a golden mean in the art, which it +should be every body’s object to attain, without descending +to obsequiousness on the one hand, or to familiarity +on the other. In politeness, as in everything else, there +is the medium betwixt too much and too little, betwixt +constraint and freedom; for civilities carried to extreme +are wearisome, and mere ceremony is not politeness, but +the reverse.</p> + +<p>The truly pious people are the truly courteous. “Religion,” +says Leighton, “is in this mistaken sometimes, +in that we think it imprints a roughness and austerity +upon the mind and carriage. It doth, indeed, bar all +vanity and lightness, and all compliance;” but it softens +the manners, tempers the address, and refines the heart.</p> + +<p>Pride is one of the greatest obstacles to true courtesy +that can be mentioned. He who assumes too much on +his own merit, shows that he does not understand the +simplest principles of politeness. The feeling of pride +is, of itself, highly culpable. No man, whether he be +a monarch on the throne, or the meanest beggar in his +realm, possesses any right to comport himself with a +haughty or discourteous air towards his fellow men. +The poet truly says:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">“What most ennobles human nature,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Was ne’er the portion of the proud.”<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>It is easy to bestow a kind word, or assume a gracious<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">{247}</a></span> +smile; these will recommend us to every one; while a +haughty demeanor, or an austere look, may forfeit forever +the favor of those whose good opinion we may be +anxious to secure. The really courteous man has a +thorough knowledge of human nature, and can make allowances +for its weaknesses. He is always consistent +with himself. The polite alone know how to make others +polite, as the good alone know how to inspire others with +a relish for virtue.</p> + +<p>Having mentioned pride as being opposed to true politeness, +I may class affectation with it, in that respect. +Affectation is a deviation from, at the same time that it +is an imitation of, nature. It is the result of bad taste, +and of mistaken notions of one’s own qualities. The +other vices are limited, and have each a particular object; +but affectation pervades the whole conduct, and +detracts from the merit of whatever virtues and good +dispositions a man may possess. Beauty itself loses its +attraction, when disfigured by affectation. Even to copy +from the best patterns is improper, because the imitation +can never be so good as the original. Counterfeit coin +is not so valuable as the real, and when discovered, it +cannot pass current. Affectation is a sure sign that +there is something to conceal, rather than anything to +be proud of, in the character and disposition of the persons +practicing it.</p> + +<p>In religion, affectation, or, as it is fitly called, hypocrisy, +is reprehensible in the highest degree. However +grave be their deportment, of all affected persons, those +who, without any real foundation, make too great pretensions +to piety, are certainly the most culpable. The<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">{248}</a></span> +mask serves to conceal innumerable faults, and, as has +been well remarked, a false devotion too often usurps the +place of the true. We can less secure ourselves against +pretenders in matters of religion, than we can against +any other species of impostors; because the mind being +biased in favor of the subject, consults not reason as to +the individual. The conduct of people, which cannot +fail to be considered an evidence of their principles, +ought at all times to be conformable to their pretensions. +When God alone is all we are concerned for, we are not +solicitous about mere human approbation.</p> + +<p>Hazlitt says:—“Few subjects are more nearly allied +than these two—vulgarity and affectation. It may be +said of them truly that ‘thin partitions do their bounds +divide.’ There cannot be a surer proof of a low origin +or of an innate meanness of disposition, than to be always +talking and thinking of being genteel. One must +feel a strong tendency to that which one is always trying +to avoid; whenever we pretend, on all occasions, a +mighty contempt for anything, it is a pretty clear sign +that we feel ourselves very nearly on a level with it. +Of the two classes of people, I hardly know which is to +be regarded with most distaste, the vulgar aping the +genteel, or the genteel constantly sneering at and endeavoring +to distinguish themselves from the vulgar. +These two sets of persons are always thinking of one +another; the lower of the higher with envy, the more +fortunate of their less happy neighbors with contempt. +They are habitually placed in opposition to each other; +jostle in their pretensions at every turn; and the same +objects and train of thought (only reversed by the relative<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">{249}</a></span> +situations of either party) occupy their whole time +and attention. The one are straining every nerve, and +outraging common sense, to be thought genteel; the +others have no other object or idea in their heads than +not to be thought vulgar. This is but poor spite; a +very pitiful style of ambition. To be merely not that +which one heartily despises, is a very humble claim to +superiority; to despise what one really is, is still worse.</p> + +<p>“Gentility is only a more select and artificial kind of +vulgarity. It cannot exist but by a sort of borrowed +distinction. It plumes itself up and revels in the homely +pretensions of the mass of mankind. It judges of the +worth of everything by name, fashion, opinion; and +hence, from the conscious absence of real qualities or +sincere satisfaction in itself, it builds its supercilious and +fantastic conceit on the wretchedness and wants of +others. Violent antipathies are always suspicious, and +betray a secret affinity. The difference between the +‘Great Vulgar and the Small’ is mostly in outward circumstances. +The coxcomb criticises the dress of the +clown, as the pedant cavils at the bad grammar of the +illiterate. Those who have the fewest resources in +themselves, naturally seek the food of their self-love +elsewhere. The most ignorant people find most to laugh +at in strangers; scandal and satire prevail most in country-places; +and a propensity to ridicule every the slightest +or most palpable deviation from what we happen to +approve, ceases with the progress of common sense. +True worth does not exult in the faults and deficiencies +of others; as true refinement turns away from grossness +and deformity instead of being tempted to indulge in an<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">{250}</a></span> +unmanly triumph over it. Raphael would not faint +away at the daubing of a sign painter, nor Homer hold +his head the higher for being in the company of the +poorest scribbler that ever attempted poetry. Real +power, real excellence, does not seek for a foil in inferiority, +nor fear contamination from coming in contact +with that which is coarse and homely. It reposes on itself, +and is equally free from spleen and affectation. +But the spirit of both these small vices is in <em>gentility</em> as +the word stands in vulgar minds: of affected delight in +its own would-be qualifications, and of ineffable disdain +poured out upon the involuntary blunders or accidental +disadvantages of those whom it chooses to treat as inferiors.</p> + +<p>“The essence of vulgarity, I imagine, consists in +taking manners, actions, words, opinions on trust from +others, without examining one’s own feelings or weighing +the merits of the case. It is coarseness or shallowness +of taste arising from want of individual refinement, together +with the confidence and presumption inspired by +example and numbers. It may be defined to be a prostitution +of the mind or body to ape the more or less obvious +defects of others, because by so doing we shall secure +the suffrages of those we associate with. To affect +a gesture, an opinion, a phrase, because it is the rage +with a large number of persons, or to hold it in abhorrence +because another set of persons very little, if at all, +better informed, cry it down to distinguish themselves +from the former, is in either case equal vulgarity and +absurdity. A thing is not vulgar merely because it is +common. ’Tis common to breathe, to see, to feel, to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">{251}</a></span> +live. Nothing is vulgar that is natural, spontaneous, +unavoidable. Grossness is not vulgarity, ignorance is +not vulgarity, awkwardness is not vulgarity; but all +these become vulgar when they are affected, and shown +off on the authority of others, or to fall in with <em>the +fashion</em> or the company we keep. Caliban is coarse +enough, but surely he is not vulgar. We might as well +spurn the clod under our feet, and call it vulgar.</p> + +<p>“All slang phrases are vulgar; but there is nothing +vulgar in the common English idiom. Simplicity is not +vulgarity; but the looking to affectation of any sort for +distinction is.”</p> + +<p>To sum up, it may be said, that if you wish to possess +the good opinion of your fellow men, the way to secure +it is, to be actually what you pretend to be, or rather to +appear always precisely what you are. Never depart +from the native dignity of your character, which you can +only maintain irreproachable by being careful not to imitate +the vices, or adopt the follies of others. The best +way in all cases you will find to be, to adhere to truth, +and to abide by the talents and appliances which have +been bestowed upon you by Providence.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">{252}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XV" id="CHAPTER_XV"></a>CHAPTER XV.<br /> +<span class="sub">LETTER WRITING.</span></h2> + +<p>There is no branch of a man’s education, no portion +of his intercourse with other men, and no quality which +will stand him in good stead more frequently than the +capability of writing a good letter upon any and every +subject. In business, in his intercourse with society, in, +I may say, almost every circumstance of his life, he will +find his pen called into requisition. Yet, although so +important, so almost indispensable an accomplishment, +it is one which is but little cultivated, and a letter, perfect +in every part, is a great rarity.</p> + +<p>In the composition of a good letter there are many +points to be considered, and we take first the simplest +and lowest, namely, the spelling.</p> + +<p>Many spell badly from ignorance, but more from carelessness. +The latter, writing rapidly, make, very often, +mistakes that would disgrace a schoolboy. If you are +in doubt about a word, do not from a feeling of false +shame let the spelling stand in its doubtful position +hoping that, if wrong, it will pass unnoticed, but get a +dictionary, and see what is the correct orthography. +Besides the actual misplacing of letters in a word there +is another fault of careless, rapid writing, frequently<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">{253}</a></span> +seen. This is to write two words in one, running them +together. I have more than once seen <em>with him</em> written +<em>withim</em>, and <em>for her</em> stand thus, <em>forer</em>. Strange, too, as +it may seem, it is more frequently the short, common +words that are misspelled than long ones. They flow +from the pen mechanically, while over an unaccustomed +word the writer unconsciously stops to consider the orthography. +Chesterfield, in his advice to his son, says:</p> + +<p>“I come now to another part of your letter, which is +the orthography, if I may call bad spelling <em>orthography</em>. +You spell induce, <em>enduce</em>; and grandeur, you spell +<em>grandure</em>; two faults of which few of my housemaids +would have been guilty. I must tell you that orthography, +in the true sense of the word, is so absolutely necessary +for a man of letters, or a gentleman, that one false +spelling may fix ridicule upon him for the rest of his +life; and I know a man of quality, who never recovered +the ridicule of having spelled <em>wholesome</em> without the <em>w</em>.</p> + +<p>“Reading with care will secure everybody from false +spelling; for books are always well spelled, according to +the orthography of the times. Some words are indeed +doubtful, being spelled differently by different authors +of equal authority; but those are few; and in those +cases every man has his option, because he may plead +his authority either way; but where there is but one +right way, as in the two words above mentioned, it is unpardonable +and ridiculous for a gentleman to miss it; +even a woman of tolerable education would despise and +laugh at a lover, who sent her an ill-spelled <i>billet-doux</i>. +I fear, and suspect, that you have taken it into your +head, in most cases, that the matter is all, and the manner<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">{254}</a></span> +little or nothing. If you have, undeceive yourself, +and be convinced that, in everything, the manner is full +as important as the matter. If you speak the sense of +an angel in bad words, and with a disagreeable utterance, +nobody will hear you twice, who can help it. If you +write epistles as well as Cicero, but in a very bad hand, +and very ill-spelled, whoever receives, will laugh at +them.”</p> + +<p>After orthography, you should make it a point to +write a good hand; clear, legible, and at the same time +easy, graceful, and rapid. This is not so difficult as +some persons imagine, but, like other accomplishments, +it requires practice to make it perfect. You must write +every word so clearly that it <em>cannot</em> be mistaken by the +reader, and it is quite an important requisite to leave +sufficient space between the words to render each one +separate and distinct. If your writing is crowded, it +will be difficult to read, even though each letter is perfectly +well formed. An English author, in a letter of +advice, says:—</p> + +<p>“I have often told you that every man who has the +use of his eyes and his hand can write whatever hand he +pleases. I do not desire that you should write the stiff, +labored characters of a writing master; a man of business +must write quick and well, and that depends simply +upon use. I would, therefore, advise you to get some +very good writing master, and apply to it for a month +only, which will be sufficient; for, upon my word, +the writing of a genteel, plain hand of business is of +much more importance than you think. You say, it +may be, that when you write so very ill, it is because<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">{255}</a></span> +you are in a hurry; to which, I answer, Why are you +ever in a hurry? A man of sense may be in haste, but +can never be in a hurry, because he knows, that whatever +he does in a hurry, he must necessarily do very ill. +He may be in haste to dispatch an affair, but he will take +care not to let that haste hinder his doing it well. Little +minds are in a hurry, when the object proves (as it commonly +does) too big for them; they run, they puzzle, confound, +and perplex themselves; they want to do everything +at once, and never do it at all. But a man of +sense takes the time necessary for doing the thing he is +about, well; and his haste to dispatch a business, only +appears by the continuity of his application to it; he +pursues it with a cool steadiness, and finishes it before he +begins any other....</p> + +<p>“The few seconds that are saved in the course of the +day by writing ill instead of well, do not amount to an +object of time by any means equivalent to the disgrace +or ridicule of a badly written scrawl.”</p> + +<p>By making a good, clear hand habitual to you, the +caution given above, with regard to hurry, will be entirely +useless, for you will find that even the most rapid +penmanship will not interfere with the beauty of your +hand-writing, and the most absorbing interest in the subject +of your epistle can be indulged; whereas, if you +write well only when you are giving your entire attention +to guiding your pen, then, haste in writing or interest +in your subject will spoil the beauty of your sheet.</p> + +<p>Be very careful that the wording of your letters is in +strict accordance with the rules of grammar. Nothing +stamps the difference between a well educated man and an<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">{256}</a></span> +ignorant one more decidedly than the purely grammatical +language of the one compared with the labored sentences, +misplaced verbs, nouns, adjectives, and adverbs of the +other. Chesterfield caricatures this fault in the following +letter, written as a warning to his son, to guard him +against its glaring faults:</p> + +<p>“<span class="smcap">My Lord</span>: I <em>had</em>, last night, the honor of your Lordship’s +letter of the 24th; and will <em>set about doing</em> the +orders contained <em>therein</em>; and <em>if so be</em> that I can get +that affair done by the next post, I will not fail <em>for to</em> +give your Lordship an account of it, by <em>next post</em>. I +have told the French Minister, <em>as how that if</em> that affair +be not soon concluded, your Lordship would think it <em>all +long of him</em>; and that he must have neglected <em>for to</em> +have wrote to his court about it. I must beg leave to +put your Lordship in mind, <em>as how</em>, that I am now full +three quarters in arrear; and if <em>so be</em> that I do not very +soon receive at least one half year, I shall <em>cut a very bad +figure</em>; <em>for this here</em> place is very dear. I shall be +<em>vastly beholden</em> to your Lordship for <em>that there</em> mark of +your favor; and so I <em>rest</em> or <em>remain</em>, Your, &c.”</p> + +<p>This is, I admit, a broad burlesque of a letter written +by a man holding any important government office, but in +the more private correspondence of a man’s life letters +quite as absurd and ungrammatical are written every +day.</p> + +<p>Punctuation is another very important point in a +letter, because it not only is a mark of elegance and education +to properly punctuate a letter, but the omission +of this point will inevitably confuse your correspondent, +for if you write to your friend:</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">{257}</a></span> +“I met last evening Mr James the artist his son a +lawyer Mr Gay a friend of my mother’s Mr Clarke and +Mr Paul:”</p> + +<p>he will not know whether Mr. Gay is a lawyer or your +mother’s friend, or whether it is Mr. James or his son +who is an artist; whereas, by the proper placing of a +few punctuation marks you make the sentence clear and +intelligible, thus:</p> + +<p>“I met, last evening, Mr. James, the artist; his son, +a lawyer; Mr. Gay, a friend of my mother’s; Mr. +Clarke and Mr. Paul.”</p> + +<p>Without proper regard being paid to punctuation, the +very essence of good composition is lost; it is of the utmost +importance, as clearness, strength, and accuracy +depend upon it, in as great a measure as the power of an +army depends upon the skill displayed in marshalling +and arranging the troops. The separation of one portion +of a composition from another; the proper classification +and division of the subjects; the precise meaning +of every word and sentence; the relation each part bears +to previous or following parts; the connection of one +portion and separation of others—all depend upon punctuation. +Many persons seem to consider it sufficient to +put in a period at the end of a long sentence, leaving all +the little niceties which a comma, semicolon, or colon +would render clear, in a state of the most lamentable +obscurity. Others use all the points, but misplace them +in a most ludicrous manner. A sentence may be made +by the omission or addition of a comma to express a +meaning exactly opposite to the one it expressed before +the little mark was written or erased. The best mode<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">{258}</a></span> +of studying punctuation is to read over what you write, +aloud, and put in the points as you would dwell a longer +or shorter time on the words, were you speaking.</p> + +<p>We now come to the use of capital letters, a subject +next, in importance to punctuation, and one too often +neglected, even by writers otherwise careful.</p> + +<p>The first word of every piece of writing, whether it +be a book, a poem, a story, a letter, a bill, a note, or +only a line of directions, must begin with a capital +letter.</p> + +<p>Quotations, even though they are not immediately +preceded by a period, must invariably begin with a +capital letter.</p> + +<p>Every new sentence, following a period, exclamation +mark, or interrogation point, must begin with a capital +letter.</p> + +<p>Every proper name, whether it be of a person, a place, +or an object, must begin with a capital letter. The pronoun +I and exclamation O must be always written in +capital letters.</p> + +<p>Capitals must never, except in the case of proper +names or the two letters mentioned in the last paragraph, +be written in the middle of a sentence.</p> + +<p>A capital letter must never be used in the middle of a +word, among the small letters; nor must it be used at +the end of a word.</p> + +<p>Nothing adds more to the beauty of a letter, or any +written composition, than handsomely written capital +letters, used in their proper places.</p> + +<p>Having specified the most important points in a correct +letter, we next come to that which, more than anything<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">{259}</a></span> +else, shows the mind of the writer; that which +proves his good or bad education; that which gives him +rank as an elegant or inelegant writer—Style.</p> + +<p>It is style which adorns or disfigures a subject; which +makes the humblest matter appear choice and elegant, +or which reduces the most exalted ideas to a level with +common, or vulgar ones.</p> + +<p>Lord Chesterfield says, “It is of the greatest importance +to write letters well; as this is a talent which unavoidably +occurs every day of one’s life, as well in business +as in pleasure; and inaccuracies in orthography or +in style are never pardoned. Much depends upon the +manner in which they are written; which ought to be +easy and natural, not strained and florid. For instance, +when you are about to send a <i>billet-doux</i>, or love letter +to a fair friend, you must only think of what you would +say to her if you were both together, and then write it; +that renders the style easy and natural; though some +people imagine the wording of a letter to be a great undertaking, +and think they must write abundantly better +than they talk, which is not at all necessary. Style is +the dress of thoughts, and let them be ever so just, if +your style is homely, coarse, and vulgar, they will appear +to as much disadvantage and be as ill received as your +person, though ever so well proportioned, would, if +dressed in rags, dirt, and tatters. It is not every understanding +that can judge of matter; but every one can +and does judge, more or less, of style; and were I either +to speak or write to the public, I should prefer moderate +matter, adorned with all the beauties and elegancies of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">{260}</a></span> +style, to the strongest matter in the world, ill worded and +ill delivered.”</p> + +<p>Write legibly, correctly, and without erasures upon a +whole sheet of paper, never upon half a sheet. Choose +paper which is thick, white, and perfectly plain. The +initials stamped at the top of a sheet are the only ornament +allowed a gentleman.</p> + +<p>It is an unpardonable fault to write upon a sheet which +has anything written or drawn upon it, or is soiled; and +quite as bad to answer a note upon half the sheet it is +written upon, or write on the other side of a sheet which +has been used before.</p> + +<p>Write your own ideas in your own words, neither borrowing +or copying from another. If you are detected +in a plagiarism, you will never recover your reputation +for originality, and you may find yourself in the position +of the hero of the following anecdote:</p> + +<p>Mr. O., a man of but little cultivation, fell in love +with Miss N., whose fine intellect was duly improved by +a thorough course of study and reading, while her wit, +vivacity, and beauty made Mr. O. one only amongst +many suitors. Fascinated by her beauty and gracious +manner he determined to settle his fate, and ask her to +go forward in the alphabet and choose the next letter to +put to her surname. But how? Five times he tried to +speak, and five times the gay beauty so led the discourse +that he left at the end of each interview, no wiser than +when he came. At length he resolved to write. It was +the first time he had held the pen for any but a business +letter. After commencing twice with “Dear sir,” once +with, “I write to inform you that I am well and hope<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">{261}</a></span> +this letter will find you the same,” and once with, “Your +last duly received,” he threw the pen aside in disgust +and despair. A love letter was beyond his feeble capacities. +Suddenly a brilliant idea struck him. He +had lately seen, in turning the leaves of a popular novel, +a letter, perhaps a love letter. He procured the book, +found the letter. It was full of fire and passion, words +of love, protestations of never failing constancy, and +contained an offer of marriage. With a hand that trembled +with ecstasy, O. copied and signed the letter, sealed, +directed, and sent it. The next day came the answer—simply:</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p>“My Friend,</p> + +<p>“Turn to the next page and you will find +the reply.</p> + +<p class="ralign">“A. N.”</p> +</div> + +<p>He did so, and found a polite refusal of his suit.</p> + +<p>The secret of letter writing consists in writing as you +would speak. Thus, if you speak well, you will write +well; if you speak ill, you will also write ill.</p> + +<p>Endeavor always to write as correctly and properly +as possible. If you have reason to doubt your own +spelling, carefully read and correct every letter before +you fold it. An ill-formed letter is, however, better let +alone. You will not improve it by trying to reform it, +and the effort will be plainly visible.</p> + +<p>Let your style be simple, concise, and clear, entirely +void of pretension, without any phrases written merely +for effect, without useless flowery language, respectful<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">{262}</a></span> +towards superiors, women, and older persons, and it will +be well.</p> + +<p>Abbreviations are only permitted in business letters, +and in friendly correspondence must never be used.</p> + +<p>Figures are never to be used excepting when putting +a date or a sum of money. In a business letter the +money is generally specified both in figures and words, +thus; $500 Five hundred dollars.</p> + +<p>You may put the name, date, and address of a letter +either at the top of the page or at the end. I give a +specimen of each style to show my meaning.</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p class="ralign"><span class="smcap">Philadelphia</span>, <i>June</i> 25<i>th</i>, 1855.</p> + +<p class="smcap">Mr. James Smith,</p> + +<p class="pad-l2">Dear Sir,</p> + +<p>The goods ordered in your letter of the 19th +inst. were sent this morning by Adam’s Express. We +shall be always happy to hear from you, and will +promptly fill any further orders.</p> + +<p class="ralign"><span class="pad-r8">Yours, truly,</span><br /> +<span class="smcap">Jones, Brown, & Co.</span></p> +</div> + +<p class="center">or,</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p>Dear Sir,</p> + +<p>Your favor of the 5th inst. received to day. +Will execute your commissions with pleasure.</p> + +<p class="ralign"><span class="pad-r3">Yours, truly,</span><br /> +J. Jones.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. James Smith.</span><br /> +<span class="pad-l3"><span class="smcap">Phila.</span>, <i>June</i> 25<i>th</i>, 1854.</span></p> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">{263}</a></span> +If you send your own address put it under your own +signature, thus:</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p class="ralign"><span class="pad-r6 smcap">J. Jones,</span><br /> +<span class="pad-r2">17 W—— st.,</span><br /> +<span class="smcap">New York</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p>The etiquette of letter-writing, should, as much as +possible, be influenced by principles of truth. The +superscription and the subscription should alike be +in accordance with the tone of the communication, and +the domestic or social relation of those between whom it +passes. Communications upon professional or business +matters, where no acquaintance exists to modify the circumstances, +should be written thus:—“Mr. Gillot will +feel obliged by Mr. Slack’s sending by the bearer,” &c. +It is an absurdity for a man who writes a challenge, or +an offensive letter, to another, to subscribe himself, +“Your obedient Servant.” I dislike this form of subscription, +also, when employed by persons of equal rank. +It is perfectly becoming when addressed by a servant to +an employer. But in other cases, “Yours truly,” +“Yours very truly,” “Your Friend,” “Your sincere +Friend,” “Your Well-wisher,” “Your grateful Friend,” +“Your affectionate Friend,” &c., &c., appears to be +much more truthful, and to be more in keeping with the +legitimate expression of good feeling. It is impossible +to lay down a set of rules that shall govern all cases. +But as a principle, it may be urged, that no person +should address another as, “Dear Sir,” or, “Dear +Madam,” without feelings and relations that justify the +use of the adjective. These compliments are mockeries.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">{264}</a></span> +No one who entertains a desire to write another as +“dear,” need feel afraid of giving offence by familiarity; +for all mankind prize the esteem even of their humblest +fellows too much to be annoyed by it. And in proportion +as the integrity of the forms of correspondence increase, +so will these expressions of good feeling be more +appreciated.</p> + +<p>The next point to be considered is the <em>subject</em> of your +letter, and without a good subject the epistle will be apt +to be dull. I do not mean by this that it is necessary +to have any extraordinary event to relate, or startling +news to communicate; but in order to write a <em>good</em> letter, +it is necessary to have a <em>good</em> subject, that you may not +rival the Frenchman who wrote to his wife—“I write to +you because I have nothing to do: I stop because I have +nothing to say.” Letters written without aim or object, +simply for the sake of writing, are apt to be stupid, trivial, +or foolish.</p> + +<p>You may write to a friend to congratulate him upon +some happy event to himself, or to condole with him in +some misfortune, or to ask his congratulations or condolence +for yourself. You may write to enquire for his +health, or to extend an invitation, a letter of thanks, +felicitations, upon business, or a thousand other subjects, +which it is useless for me to enumerate.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Business.</span> The chief object in a letter +of business is to communicate or enquire about some +one fact, and the epistle should be confined entirely to +that fact. All compliments, jests, high-flown language +and sentiment, are entirely out of place in a business +letter, and brevity should be one of the most important<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">{265}</a></span> +aims. Do not let your desire to be brief, however, make +your meaning obscure; better to add a few words, or +even lines, to the length of your letter, than to send it +in confused, unintelligible language. Chesterfield’s advice +on business letters is excellent. He says:</p> + +<p>“The first thing necessary in writing letters of business +is, extreme clearness and perspicuity; every paragraph +should be so clear and unambiguous that the +dullest fellow in the world may not be able to mistake it, +nor obliged to read it twice in order to understand it. +This necessary clearness implies a correctness, without +excluding an elegance of style. Tropes, figures, antithesis, +epigrams, &c., would be as misplaced and as impertinent +in letters of business as they are sometimes +(if judiciously used) proper and pleasing in familiar letters, +upon common and trite subjects. In business, an +elegant simplicity, the result of care, not of labor, is required. +Business must be well, not affectedly dressed; +but by no means negligently. Let your first attention +be to clearness, and read every paragraph after you have +written it, in the critical view of discovering whether it +is possible that any one man can mistake the true sense +of it; and correct it accordingly.</p> + +<p>“Our pronouns and relatives often create obscurity and +ambiguity; be, therefore, exceedingly attentive to them, +and take care to mark out with precision their particular +relations. For example, Mr. Johnson acquainted me, +that he had seen Mr. Smith, who had promised him to +speak to Mr. Clarke, to return him (Mr. Johnson) those +papers, which he (Mr. Smith) had left some time ago with +him (Mr. Clarke); it is better to repeat a name, though<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">{266}</a></span> +unnecessarily, ten times, than to have the person mistaken +once.</p> + +<p>“<em>Who</em>, you know, is singly relative to persons, and +cannot be applied to things; <em>which</em> and <em>that</em> are chiefly +relative to things, but not absolutely exclusive of persons; +for one may say the man, <em>that</em> robbed or killed +such-a-one; but it is better to say, the man <em>who</em> robbed +or killed. One never says, the man or woman <em>which</em>. +<em>Which</em> and <em>that</em>, though chiefly relative to things, cannot +be always used indifferently as to things. For instance, +the letter <em>which</em> I received from you, <em>which</em> you referred +to in your last, <em>which</em> came by Lord Albemarle’s messenger, +<em>which</em> I showed to such-a-one; I would change it +thus—The letter that I received from you, <em>which</em> you +referred to in your last, <em>that</em> came by Lord Albemarle’s +messenger, and <em>which</em> I showed to such-a-one.</p> + +<p>“Business does not exclude (as possibly you wish it +did) the usual terms of politeness and good breeding; +but, on the contrary, strictly requires them; such as, <em>I +have the honor to acquaint you</em>; <em>Permit me to assure you</em>; +or, <em>If I may be allowed to give my opinion, &c.</em></p> + +<p>“<span class="smcap">Letters of Business</span> will not only admit of, but be +the better for <em>certain graces</em>—but then, they must be scattered +with a skillful and sparing hand; they must fit +their place exactly. They must adorn without encumbering, +and modestly shine without glaring. But as this +is the utmost degree of perfection in letters of business, +I would not advise you to attempt those embellishments, +till you have just laid your foundation well.</p> + +<p>“Carefully avoid all Greek or Latin quotations; and +bring no precedents from the <em>virtuous Spartans</em>, <em>the polite<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">{267}</a></span> +Athenians</em>, <em>and the brave Romans</em>. Leave all that +to futile pedants. No flourishes, no declamations. But +(I repeat it again) there is an elegant simplicity and dignity +of style absolutely necessary for <em>good</em> letters of business; +attend to that carefully. Let your periods be +harmonious, without seeming to be labored; and let +them not be too long, for that always occasions a degree +of obscurity. I should not mention correct orthography, +but that to fail in that particular will bring ridicule upon +you; for no man is allowed to spell ill. The hand-writing, +too, should be good; and I cannot conceive why +it is ever otherwise, since every man may, certainly, write +whatever hand he pleases. Neatness in folding up, +sealing, and directing your packets is, by no means, to +be neglected. There is something in the exterior, even +of a packet or letter, that may please or displease; and, +consequently, worth some attention.”</p> + +<p>If you are writing a letter, either upon your own business +or upon that of the person you are addressing, +not in answer to him, but opening the subject between +you, follow the rule of clearness and of business brevity. +Come to the point at once, in order that the person addressed +may easily comprehend you. Put nobody to +the labor of <em>guessing</em> what you desire, and be careful +that half-instructions do not lead your correspondent +astray. If you have so clear an idea of your operation +in your mind, or if it is so simple a one that it needs no +words, except specific directions, or a plain request, you +need not waste time, but, with the proper forms of +courtesy, instruct him of your wishes. In whatever you +write, remember that time is valuable; and that embarrassing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">{268}</a></span> +or indefinite letters are a great nuisance to a business +man. I need hardly remark, that punctuality in +answering correspondents is one of the cardinal business +virtues. Where it is possible, answer letters by return +of post, as you will thus save your own time, and pay +your correspondent a flattering compliment. And in +opening a correspondence or writing upon your own +business, let your communication be made at the earliest +proper date in order that your correspondent, as well as +yourself, may have the benefit of thought and deliberation.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Inquiry</span> should be written in a happy +medium, between tedious length and the brevity which +would betoken indifference. As the subject is generally +limited to questions upon one subject, they will not admit +of much verbiage, and if your inquiry relates simply +to a matter of business, it is better to confine your words +strictly to that business; if, however, you are writing to +make inquiry as to the health of a friend, or any other +matter in which feeling or affection dictates the epistle, +the cold, formal style of a business letter would become +heartless, and, in many cases, positively insulting. You +must here add some words of compliment, express your +friendly interest in the subject, and your hope that a favorable +answer may be returned, and if the occasion is +a painful one, a few lines of regret or condolence may +be added.</p> + +<p>If you are requesting a favor of your correspondent, +you should apologize for the trouble you are giving him, +and mention the necessity which prompts you to write.</p> + +<p>If you are making inquiries of a friend, your letter<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">{269}</a></span> +will then admit of some words of compliment, and may +be written in an easy, familiar style.</p> + +<p>If writing to a stranger, your request for information +becomes a personal favor, and you should write in a +manner to show him that you feel this. Speak of the +obligation he will confer, mention the necessity which +compels you to trouble him, and follow his answer by a +note of thanks.</p> + +<p>Always, when sending a letter of inquiry, enclose a +stamp for the answer. If you trouble your correspondent +to take his time to write you information, valuable +only to yourself, you have no right to tax him also +for the price of postage.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Answers to letters of Inquiry</span> should be written +as soon as possible after such letters are received. If +the inquiry is of a personal nature, concerning your +health, family affairs, or the denial or corroboration of +some report concerning yourself, you should thank your +correspondent for the interest he expresses, and such a +letter should be answered immediately. If the letter +you receive contains questions which you cannot answer +instantly, as, for instance, if you are obliged to see +a third party, or yourself make inquiry upon the +subject proposed, it is best to write a few lines acknowledging +the receipt of your friend’s letter, expressing +your pleasure at being able to serve him, and +stating why you cannot immediately give him the desired +information, with the promise to write again as +soon as such information is yours to send.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters requesting Favors</span> are trying to write, +and must be dictated by the circumstances which make<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">{270}</a></span> +them necessary. Be careful not to be servile in such +letters. Take a respectful, but, at the same time, manly +tone; and, while you acknowledge the obligation a favorable +answer will confer, do not adopt the cringing +language of a beggar.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters conferring Favors</span> should never be written +in a style to make the recipient feel a weight of obligation; +on the contrary, the style should be such as +will endeavor to convince your correspondent that in +his acceptance of your favor <em>he</em> confers an obligation +upon <em>you</em>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters refusing Favors</span> call for your most courteous +language, for they must give some pain, and this +may be very much softened by the manner in which you +write. Express your regret at being unable to grant your +friend’s request, a hope that at some future time it may be +in your power to answer another such letter more favorably, +and give a good reason for your refusal.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters acknowledging Favors</span>, or letters of thanks, +should be written in a cordial, frank, and grateful style. +While you earnestly thank your correspondent for his +kindness, you must never hint at any payment of the +obligation. If you have the means of obliging him near +you at that instant, make your offer of the favor the +subject of another letter, lest he attribute your haste to +a desire to rid yourself of an obligation. To hint at a +future payment is still more indelicate. When you can +show your gratitude by a suitable return, then let your +actions, not your words, speak for the accuracy of your +memory in retaining the recollection of favors conferred.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Anonymous letters.</span> The man who would write<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">{271}</a></span> +an anonymous letter, either to insult the person addressed, +or annoy a third person, is a scoundrel, “whom +’twere gross flattery to name a coward.” None but a +man of the lowest principles, and meanest character, +would commit an act to gratify malice or hatred without +danger to himself. A gentleman will treat such a communication +with the contemptuous silence which it deserves.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Intelligence.</span> The first thing to be regarded +in a letter of intelligence is <em>truth</em>. They are +written on every variety of subjects, under circumstances +of the saddest and the most joyful nature. They are +written often under the pressure of the most crushing +grief, at other times when the hand trembles with ecstacy, +and very frequently when a weight of other cares +and engagements makes the time of the writer invaluable. +Yet, whether the subject communicated concerns yourself +or another, remember that every written word is a +record for your veracity or falsehood. If exaggeration, +or, still worse, malice, guide your pen, in imparting +painful subjects, or if the desire to avoid causing grief +makes you violate truth to soften trying news, you are +signing your name to a written falsehood, and the letter +may, at some future time, rise to confront you and prove +that your intelligence cannot be trusted. Whatever the +character of the news you communicate, let taste and +discretion guide you in the manner of imparting it. If +it is of so sorrowful a character that you know it must +cause pain, you may endeavor to open the subject +gradually, and a few lines of sympathy and comfort, if +unheeded at the time, may be appreciated when the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">{272}</a></span> +mourner re-reads your letter in calmer moments. Joyful +news, though it does not need the same caution, also admits +of expressions of sympathy.</p> + +<p>Never write the gossip around you, unless you are +<em>obliged</em> to communicate some event, and then write only +what you know to be true, or, if you speak of doubtful +matters, state them to be such. Avoid mere scandal +and hearsay, and, above all, avoid letting your own +malice or bitterness of feeling color all your statements +in their blackest dye. Be, under such circumstances, +truthful, just, and charitable.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Recommendation</span> should be written only +when they are positively necessary, and great caution +should be used in giving them. They make you, in a +measure, responsible for the conduct of another, and if +you give them frequently, on slight grounds, you will +certainly have cause to repent your carelessness. They +are letters of business, and should be carefully composed; +truthful, while they are courteous, and just, while they +are kind. If you sacrifice candor to a mistaken kindness, +you not only make yourself a party to any mischief +that may result, but you are committing a dishonest act +towards the person to whom the letter will be delivered.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Introduction</span> should be short, as they +are generally delivered in person, and ought not to occupy +much time in reading, as no one likes to have to +wait while a long letter of introduction is read. While +you speak of the bearer in the warm language of friendship, +do not write praises in such a letter; they are +about as much in place as they would be if you spoke +them at a personal introduction. Leave letters of introduction<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">{273}</a></span> +unsealed, for it is a gross breach of politeness +to prevent the bearer from reading what you have written, +by fastening the envelope. The most common +form is:—</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p>Dear Sir,</p> + +<p>It gives me much pleasure to introduce to you, +the bearer of this letter, as my friend Mr. J——, who is +to remain a few days in your city on his way to New +Orleans. I trust that the acquaintance of two friends, +for whom I have so long entertained so warm an esteem, +will prove as pleasant as my intercourse with each has +always been. Any attention which it may be in your +power to pay to Mr. J——, whilst he is in your city, will +be highly appreciated and gratefully acknowledged by</p> + +<p class="ralign"><span class="pad-r3">Your sincere friend</span><br /> +<span class="smcap">James C. Ray.</span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. L. G. Edmonds.</span><br /> +<span class="pad-l3"><i>June</i> 23<i>d</i>, 18—.</span></p> +</div> + +<p>If your letter is to introduce any gentleman in his +business or professional capacity, mention what that business +is; and if your own acquaintance with the bearer +is slight, you may also use the name of the persons from +whom he brought letters to yourself. Here, you may, +with perfect propriety, say a few words in praise of the +bearer’s skill in his professional labors. If he is an +artist, you need not hesitate to give a favorable opinion +of whatever of his pictures you have seen, or, if a musician, +express the delight his skill has afforded you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A letter requesting an Autograph</span> should always +enclose a postage stamp for the reply. In such a letter<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">{274}</a></span> +some words of compliment, expressive of the value of +the name for which you ask, is in good taste. You may +refer to the deeds or celebrity which have made the name +so desirable, and also express your sense of the greatness +of the favor, and the obligation the granting of it +will confer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Autograph Letters</span> should be short; containing +merely a few lines, thanking the person addressed for +the compliment paid in requesting the signature, and expressive +of the pleasure it gives you to comply with the +request. If you wish to refuse (though none but a churl +would do so), do not fall into the error of an eccentric +American whose high position in the army tempted a +collector of autographs to request his signature. The +general wrote in reply:—</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p>“Sir,</p> + +<p>“I’ll be hanged if I send my autograph to anybody.</p> + +<p class="ralign"><span class="pad-r4">“Yours,</span><br /> +“————.”</p> +</div> + +<p>and signed his name in full in the strong, bold letters +which always characterized his hand writing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Invitations to Ladies</span> should be written in the third +person, unless you are very intimate with them, or can +claim relationship. All letters addressed to a lady +should be written in a respectful style, and when they +are short and to a comparative stranger, the third person +is the most elegant one to use. Remember, in directing +letters to young ladies, the eldest one in a family is addressed +by the surname alone, while the others have also +the proper name; thus, if you wrote to the daughters<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">{275}</a></span> +of Mr. Smith, the eldest one is Miss Smith, the others, +Miss Annie Smith and Miss Jane Smith.</p> + +<p>Invitations should be sent by your own servant, or +clerk. Nothing is more vulgar than sending invitations +through the despatch, and you run the risk of their +being delayed. The first time that you invite a lady to +accompany you to ride, walk, or visit any place of +public amusement, you should also invite her mother, +sister, or any other lady in the same family, unless you +have a mother or sister with whom the lady invited is +acquainted, when you should say in your note that your +mother or sister will accompany you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Compliment</span> being confined to one subject +should be short and simple. If they are of thanks +for inquiry made, they should merely echo the letter +they answer, with the acknowledgement of your correspondent’s +courtesy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Congratulation.</span> Letters of congratulation +are the most agreeable of all letters to write; your +subject is before you, and you have the pleasure of sympathizing +in the happiness of a friend. They should be +written in a frank, genial style, with warm expressions +of pleasure at your friend’s joy, and admit of any happy +quotations or jest.</p> + +<p>When congratulating your friend on an occasion of +happiness to himself, be very careful that your letter has +no word of envy at his good fortune, no fears for its +short duration, no prophecy of a change for the worse; +let all be bright, cheerful, and hopeful. There are few +men whose life calls for letters of congratulation upon +many occasions, let them have bright, unclouded ones<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">{276}</a></span> +when they can claim them. If you have other friends +whose sorrow makes a contrast with the joy of the +person to whom you are writing, nay, even if you +yourself are in affliction, do not mention it in such a +letter.</p> + +<p>At the same time avoid the satire of exaggeration in +your expressions of congratulation, and be very careful +how you underline a word. If you write a hope that +your friend may be <em>perfectly happy</em>, he will not think +that the emphasis proves the strength of your wish, but +that you are fearful that it will not be fulfilled.</p> + +<p>If at the same time that you are writing a letter of +congratulation, you have sorrowful news to communicate, +do not put your tidings of grief into your congratulatory +letter; let that contain only cheerful, pleasant words; +even if your painful news must be sent the same day, +send it in a separate epistle.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Condolence</span> are trying both to the writer +and to the reader. If your sympathy is sincere, and +you feel the grief of your friend as if it were your own, +you will find it difficult to express in written words the +sorrow that you are anxious to comfort.</p> + +<p>Even the warmest, most sincere expressions, sound +cold and commonplace to the mourner, and one grasp of +the hand, one glance of the eye, will do more to express +sympathy than whole sheets of written words. It is +best not to try to say <em>all</em> that you feel. You will fail in +the attempt and may weary your friend. Let your +letter, then, be short, (not heartlessly so) but let its +words, though few, be warm and sincere. Any light, +cheerful jesting will be insulting in a letter of condolence.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">{277}</a></span> +If you wish to comfort by bringing forward +blessings or hopes for the future, do not do it with gay, +or jesting expressions, but in a gentle, kind manner, +drawing your words of comfort, not from trivial, passing +events, but from the highest and purest sources.</p> + +<p>If the subject for condolence be loss of fortune or +any similar event, your letter will admit of the cheering +words of every-day life, and kindly hopes that the +wheel of fortune may take a more favorable turn; but, +if death causes your friend’s affliction, there is but little +to be said in the first hours of grief. Your letter of +sympathy and comfort may be read after the first crushing +grief is over, and appreciated then, but words of +comfort are but little heeded when the first agony of a +life-long separation is felt in all the force of its first +hours.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters sent with presents</span> should be short, mere +cards of compliment, and written in the third person.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters acknowledging Presents</span> should also be +quite short, written in the third person, and merely +containing a few lines of thanks, with a word or two +of admiration for the beauty, value, or usefulness of the +gift.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Advice</span> are generally very unpalatable +for the reader, and had better not be written unless solicited, +and not then unless your counsel will really +benefit your correspondent. When written, let them be +courteous, but, at the same time, perfectly frank. If +you can avert an evil by writing a letter of advice, even +when unsolicited, it is a friendly office to write, but it is +usually a thankless one.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">{278}</a></span> +To write after an act has been performed, and state +what your advice would have been, had your opinion +been asked, is extremely foolish, and if you disapprove +of the course that has been taken, your best plan is, +certainly, to say nothing about it.</p> + +<p>In writing your letter of advice, give your judgement +as an opinion, not a law, and say candidly that you will +not feel hurt if contrary advice offered by any other, +more competent to judge in the case, is taken. While +your candor may force you to give the most unpalatable +counsel, let your courtesy so express it, that it cannot +give offence.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Letters of Excuse</span> are sometimes necessary, and +they should be written promptly, as a late apology for +an offence is worse than no apology at all. They should +be written in a frank, manly style, containing an explanation +of the offence, and the facts which led to it, +the assurance of the absence of malice or desire to +offend, sorrow for the circumstances, and a hope that +your apology will be accepted. Never wait until circumstances +force an apology from you before writing a +letter of excuse. A frank, prompt acknowledgement +of an offence, and a candidly expressed desire to atone +for it, or for indulgence towards it, cannot fail to conciliate +any reasonable person.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Cards of Compliment</span> must always be written in the +third person.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Answers.</span> The first requisite in answering a letter +upon any subject, is promptness. If you can answer +by return of mail, do so; if not, write as soon as possible.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">{279}</a></span> +If you receive a letter making inquiries about +facts which you will require time to ascertain, then write +a few lines acknowledging the receipt of the letter of +inquiry and promising to send the information as soon +as possible.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">{280}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVI" id="CHAPTER_XVI"></a>CHAPTER XVI.<br /> +<span class="sub">WEDDING ETIQUETTE.</span></h2> + +<p>From an English work, “The Habits of Good Society,” +I quote some directions for the guidance of the +happy man who proposes to enter the state of matrimony. +I have altered a few words to suit the difference +of country, but when weddings are performed in church, +the rules given here are excellent. They will apply +equally well to the evening ceremony.</p> + +<p>“At a time when our feelings are or ought to be most +susceptible, when the happiness or misery of a condition +in which there is no medium begins, we are surrounded +with forms and etiquettes which rise before the unwary +like spectres, and which even the most rigid ceremonialists +regard with a sort of dread.</p> + +<p>“Were it not, however, for these forms, and for this +necessity of being <i>en règle</i>, there might, on the solemnization +of marriage, be confusion, forgetfulness, and, +even—speak it not aloud—irritation among the parties +most intimately concerned. Excitement might ruin all. +Without a definite programme, the old maids of the +family would be thrusting in advice. The aged chronicler +of past events, or grandmother by the fireside, would +have it all her way; the venerable bachelor in tights,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">{281}</a></span> +with his blue coat and metal buttons, might throw every +thing into confusion by his suggestions. It is well that +we are independent of all these interfering advisers; that +there is no necessity to appeal to them. Precedent has +arranged it all; we have only to put in or understand +what that stern authority has laid down; how it has been +varied by modern changes; and we must just shape our +course boldly. ‘Boldly?’ But there is much to be +done before we come to that. First, there is the offer to +be made. Well may a man who contemplates such a +step say to himself, with Dryden:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">‘These are the realms of everlasting fate;’<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>for, in truth, on marriage one’s well-being not only here +but even hereafter mainly depends. But it is not on this +bearing of the subject that we wish to enter, contenting +ourselves with a quotation from the <cite>Spectator</cite>:</p> + +<p>“‘It requires more virtues to make a good husband or +wife, than what go to the finishing any the most shining +character whatsoever.’</p> + +<p>“In France, an engagement is an affair of negotiation +and business; and the system, in this respect, greatly +resembles the practice in England, on similar occasions, +a hundred and fifty or two hundred years ago, or even +later. France is the most unchanging country in the +world in her habits and domestic institutions, and foremost +among these is her ‘<i>Marriage de convenance</i>,’ or +‘<i>Marriage de raison</i>.’</p> + +<p>“It is thus brought about. So soon as a young girl +quits the school or convent where she has been educated, +her friends cast about for a suitable <i>parti</i>. Most parents<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">{282}</a></span> +in France take care, so soon as a daughter is born, to +put aside a sum of money for her ‘<i>dot</i>,’ as they well +know that, whatever may be her attractions, <em>that</em> is indispensable +in order to be married. They are ever on +the look out for a youth with, at least, an equal fortune, +or more; or, if they are rich, for title, which is deemed +tantamount to fortune; even the power of writing those +two little letters <i>De</i> before your name has some value in +the marriage contract. Having satisfied themselves, +they thus address the young lady:—‘It is now time for +you to be married; I know of an eligible match; you +can see the gentleman, either at such a ball, or [if he is +serious] at church. I do not ask you to take him if his +appearance is positively disagreeable to you; if so, we +will look out for some one else.’</p> + +<p>“As a matter of custom, the young lady answers that +the will of her parents is hers; she consents to take a +survey of him to whom her destiny is to be entrusted; +and let us presume that he is accepted, though it does +not follow, and sometimes it takes several months to look +out, as it does for other matters, a house, or a place, or +a pair of horses. However, she consents; a formal introduction +takes place; the <i>promis</i> calls in full dress to +see his future wife; they are only just to speak to each +other, and those few unmeaning words are spoken in the +presence of the bride-elect’s mother; for the French +think it most indiscreet to allow the affections of a girl +to be interested before marriage, lest during the arrangements +for the contract all should be broken off. If she +has no dislike, it is enough; never for an instant are the +engaged couple left alone, and in very few cases do they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">{283}</a></span> +go up to the altar with more than a few weeks’ acquaintance, +and usually with less. The whole matter is then +arranged by notaries, who squabble over the marriage-contract, +and get all they can for their clients.</p> + +<p>“The contract is usually signed in France on the day +before the marriage, when all is considered safe; the religious +portion of their bond takes place in the church, +and then the two young creatures are left together to +understand each other if they can, and to love each other +if they will; if not they must content themselves with +what is termed, <i>un ménage de Paris</i>.</p> + +<p>“In England, formerly, much the same system prevailed. +A boy of fourteen, before going on his travels, +was contracted to a girl of eleven, selected as his future +wife by parents or guardians; he came back after the +<i>grande tour</i> to fulfil the engagement. But by law it was +imperative that forty days should at least pass between +the contract and the marriage; during which dreary interval +the couple, leashed together like two young greyhounds, +would have time to think of the future. In +France, the perilous period of reflection is not allowed. +‘I really am so glad we are to take a journey,’ said a +young French lady to her friends; ‘I shall thus get to +know something about my husband; he is quite a stranger +to me.’ Some striking instances of the <i>Marriage de +convenance</i> being infringed on, have lately occurred in +France. The late Monsieur de Tocqueville married for +love, after a five years’ engagement. Guizot, probably +influenced by his acquaintance with England, gave his +daughters liberty to choose for themselves, and they<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">{284}</a></span> +married for <em>love</em><a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a>—‘a very indelicate proceeding,’ remarked +a French comtesse of the old <i>régime</i>, when +speaking of this arrangement.</p> + +<p>“Nothing can be more opposed to all this than the +American system. They are so tenacious of the freedom +of choice, that even persuasion is thought criminal.</p> + +<p>“In France negotiations are often commenced on the +lady’s side; in America, never. Even too encouraging +a manner, even the ordinary attentions of civility, are, +occasionally, a matter of reproach. We are jealous of +the delicacy of that sacred bond; which we presume to +hope is to spring out of mutual affection. A gentleman +who, from whatever motives, has made up his mind to +marry, may set about it in two ways. He may propose +by letter or in words. The customs of society imply +the necessity of a sufficient knowledge of the lady to be +addressed. This, even in this country, is a difficult +point to be attained; and, after all, cannot be calculated +by time, since, in large cities, you may know people a +year, and yet be comparative strangers; and, meeting +them in the country, may become intimate in a week.</p> + +<p>“Having made up his mind, the gentleman offers—wisely, +if he can, in speech. Letters are seldom expressive +of what really passes in the mind of man; or, if +expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable to +exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme +of cavil. Study, care, which avail in every other species +of composition, are death to the lover’s effusion. A few +sentences, spoken in earnest, and broken by emotion, +are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, both to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">{285}</a></span> +parent and daughter. Let him, however, speak and be +accepted. He is, in that case, instantly taken into the +intimacy of his adopted relatives. Such is the notion +of American honor, that the engaged couple are henceforth +allowed to be frequently alone together, in walking +and at home. If there be no known obstacle to the engagement, +the gentleman and lady are mutually introduced +to the respective relatives of each. It is for the +gentleman’s family to call first; for him to make the first +present; and this should be done as soon as possible +after the offer has been accepted. It is a sort of seal +put upon the affair. The absence of presents is thought +to imply want of earnestness in the matter. This present +generally consists of some personal ornament, say, +a ring, and should be handsome, but not so handsome as +that made for the wedding-day. During the period that +elapses before the marriage, the betrothed man should +conduct himself with peculiar deference to the lady’s +family and friends, even if beneath his own station. It +is often said: ‘I marry such a lady, but I do not mean +to marry her whole family.’ This disrespectful pleasantry +has something in it so cold, so selfish, that even +if the lady’s family be disagreeable, there is a total absence +of delicate feeling to her in thus speaking of those +nearest to her. To her parents especially, the conduct +of the betrothed man should be respectful; to her sisters +kind without familiarity; to her brothers, every evidence +of good-will should be testified. In making every provision +for the future, in regard to settlements, allowance +for dress, &c., the <em>extent</em> of liberality convenient should +be the spirit of all arrangements. Perfect candor as to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">{286}</a></span> +his own affairs, respectful consideration for those of the +family he is about to enter, mark a true gentleman.</p> + +<p>“In France, however gay and even blameable a man +may have been before his betrothal, he conducts himself +with the utmost propriety after that event. A sense of +what is due to a lady should repress all habits unpleasant +to her; smoking, if disagreeable; frequenting places of +amusement without her; or paying attention to other +women. In this respect, indeed, the sense of honor +should lead a man to be as scrupulous when his future +wife is absent as when she is present, if not more so.</p> + +<p>“In equally bad taste is exclusiveness. The devotions +of two engaged persons should be reserved for the <i>tête-à-tête</i>, +and women are generally in fault when it is otherwise. +They like to exhibit their conquest; they cannot +dispense with attentions; they forget that the demonstration +of any peculiar condition of things in society +must make some one uncomfortable; the young lady is +uncomfortable because she is not equally happy; the +young man detests what he calls nonsense; the old think +there is a time for all things. All sitting apart, therefore, +and peculiar displays, are in bad taste; I am inclined +to think that they often accompany insincerity, +and that the truest affections are those which are reserved +for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private interviews. +At the same time, the airs of indifference and +avoidance should be equally guarded against; since, +however strong and mutual attachment may be, such a +line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead others, and +so produce mischief. True feeling, and a lady-like consideration +for others, a point in which the present generation<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">{287}</a></span> +essentially fails, are the best guides for steering +between the extremes of demonstration on the one hand, +and of frigidity on the other.</p> + +<p>“During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a +young lady should endeavor to understand what is going +on, receiving it in a right spirit. If she has fortune, she +should, in all points left to her, be generous and confiding, +at the same time prudent. Many a man, she should +remember, may abound in excellent qualities, and yet be +improvident. He may mean to do well, yet have a passion +for building; he may be the very soul of good nature, +yet fond of the gaming-table; he may have no +wrong propensities of that sort, and yet have a confused +notion of accounts, and be one of those men who muddle +away a great deal of money, no one knows how; or he +may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good +care of the pence, till he tires your very life out about +an extra dollar; or he may be facile or weakly good +natured, and have a friend who preys on him, and +for whom he is disposed to become security. Finally, +the beloved Charles, Henry, or Reginald may have none +of these propensities, but may chance to be an honest +merchant, or a tradesman, with all his floating capital in +business, and a consequent risk of being one day rich, +the next a pauper.</p> + +<p>“Upon every account, therefore, it is desirable for a +young lady to have a settlement on her; and she should +not, from a weak spirit of romance, oppose her friends +who advise it, since it is for her husband’s advantage as +well as her own. By making a settlement there is always +a fund which cannot be touched—a something, however<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">{288}</a></span> +small, as a provision for a wife and children; and whether +she have fortune or not, this ought to be made. An allowance +for dress should also be arranged; and this +should be administered in such a way that a wife should +not have to ask for it at inconvenient hours, and thus irritate +her husband.</p> + +<p>“Every preliminary being settled, there remains nothing +except to fix the marriage-day, a point always left +to the lady to advance; and next to settle how the ceremonial +is to be performed is the subject of consideration.</p> + +<p>“It is to be lamented that, previous to so solemn a +ceremony, the thoughts of the lady concerned must necessarily +be engaged for some time upon her <i>trousseau</i>. +The <i>trousseau</i> consists, in this country, of all the habiliments +necessary for a lady’s use for the first two or three +years of her married life; like every other outfit there +are always a number of articles introduced into it that +are next to useless, and are only calculated for the vain-glory +of the ostentatious.</p> + +<p>“The <i>trousseau</i> being completed, and the day fixed, it +becomes necessary to select the bridesmaids and the +bridegroom’s man, and to invite the guests.</p> + +<p>“The bridesmaids are from two to eight in number. +It is ridiculous to have many, as the real intention of the +bridesmaid is, that she should act as a witness of the +marriage. It is, however, thought a compliment to include +the bride’s sisters and those of the bridegroom’s +relations and intimate friends, in case sisters do not +exist.</p> + +<p>“When a bride is young the bridesmaids should be +young; but it is absurd to see a ‘single woman of a certain<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">{289}</a></span> +age,’ or a widow, surrounded by blooming girls, +making her look plain and foolish. For them the discreet +woman of thirty-five is more suitable as a bridesmaid. +Custom decides that the bridesmaids should be +spinsters, but there is no legal objection to a married +woman being a bridesmaid, should it be necessary, as it +might be abroad, or at sea, or where ladies are few in +number. Great care should be taken not to give offence +in the choice of bridesmaids by a preference, which is +always in bad taste on momentous occasions.</p> + +<p>“The guests at the wedding should be selected with +similar attention to what is right and kind, with consideration +to those who have a claim on us, not only to what +we ourselves prefer.</p> + +<p>“For a great wedding breakfast, it is customary to +send out printed cards from the parents or guardians +from whose house the young lady is to be married.</p> + +<p>“Early in the day, before eleven, the bride should be +dressed, taking breakfast in her own room. In America +they load a bride with lace flounces on a rich silk, and +even sometimes with ornaments. In France it is always +remembered, with better taste, that when a young lady +goes up to the altar, she is ‘<i>encore jeune fille</i>;’ her +dress, therefore, is exquisitely simple; a dress of tulle +over white silk, a long, wide veil of white tulle, going +down to the very feet, a wreath of maiden-blush-roses +interspersed with orange flowers. This is the usual costume +of a French bride of rank, or in the middle classes +equally.</p> + +<p>“The gentleman’s dress should differ little from his +full morning costume. The days are gone by when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">{290}</a></span> +gentlemen were married—as a recently deceased friend +of mine was—in white satin breeches and waistcoat. In +these days men show less joy in their attire at the fond +consummation of their hopes, and more in their faces. A +dark-blue frock-coat—black being superstitiously considered +ominous—a white waistcoat, and a pair of light +trousers, suffice for the ‘happy man.’ The neck-tie also +should be light and simple. Polished boots are not +amiss, though plain ones are better. The gloves must +be as white as the linen. Both are typical—for in these +days types are as important as under the Hebrew law-givers—of +the purity of mind and heart which are supposed +to exist in their wearer. Eheu! after all, he cannot +be too well dressed, for the more gay he is the +greater the compliment to his bride. Flowers in the +button-hole and a smile on the face show the bridegroom +to be really a ‘happy man.’</p> + +<p>“As soon as the carriages are at the door, those +bridesmaids, who happen to be in the house, and the +other members of the family set off first. The bride +goes last, with her father and mother, or with her mother +alone, and the brother or relative who is to represent her +father in case of death or absence. The bridegroom, +his friend, or bridegroom’s man, and the bridesmaids +ought to be waiting in the church. The father of the +bride gives her his arm, and leads her to the altar. +Here her bridesmaids stand near her, as arranged by the +clerk, and the bridegroom takes his appointed place.</p> + +<p>“It is a good thing for the bridegroom’s man to distribute +the different fees to the clergyman or clergymen,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">{291}</a></span> +the clerk, and pew-opener, before the arrival of the bride, +as it prevents confusion afterwards.</p> + +<p>“The bride stands to the left of the bridegroom, and +takes the glove off her right hand, whilst he takes his +glove off his right hand. The bride gives her glove to +the bridesmaid to hold, and sometimes to keep, as a good +omen.</p> + +<p>“The service then begins. During the recital, it is +certainly a matter of feeling how the parties concerned +should behave; but if tears can be restrained, and a +quiet modesty in the lady displayed, and her emotions +subdued, it adds much to the gratification of others, and +saves a few pangs to the parents from whom she is to +part.</p> + +<p>“It should be remembered that this is but the closing +scene of a drama of some duration—first the offer, then +the consent and engagement. In most cases the marriage +has been preceded by acts which have stamped the +whole with certainty, although we do not adopt the contract +system of our forefathers, and although no event +in this life can be certain.</p> + +<p>“I have omitted the mention of the bouquet, because +it seems to me always an awkward addition to the bride, +and that it should be presented afterwards on her return +to the breakfast. Gardenias, if in season, white azalia, +or even camellias, with very little orange flowers, form +the bridal bouquet. The bridesmaids are dressed, on +this occasion, so as to complete the picture with effect. +When there are six or eight, it is usual for three of them +to dress in one color, and three in another. At some of +the most fashionable weddings in London, the bridesmaids<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">{292}</a></span> +wear veils—these are usually of net or tulle; white +tarlatan dresses, over muslin or beautifully-worked +dresses, are much worn, with colors introduced—pink or +blue, and scarves of those colors; and white bonnets, if +bonnets are worn, trimmed with flowers to correspond. +These should be simple, but the flowers as natural as +possible, and of the finest quality. The bouquets of the +bridesmaids should be of mixed flowers. These they +may have at church, but the present custom is for the +gentlemen of the house to present them on their return +home, previous to the wedding breakfast.</p> + +<p>“The register is then signed. The bride quits the +church first with the bridegroom, and gets into his carriage, +and the father and mother, bridesmaids, and bridegroom’s +man, follow in order in their own.</p> + +<p>“The breakfast is arranged on one or more tables, +and is generally provided by a confectioner when expense +is not an object.</p> + +<p>“Presents are usual, first from the bridegroom to the +bridesmaids. These generally consist of jewelry, the +device of which should be unique or quaint, the article +more elegant than massive. The female servants of the +family, more especially servants who have lived many +years in their place, also expect presents, such as gowns +or shawls; or to a very valued personal attendant or +housekeeper, a watch. But on such points discretion +must suggest, and liberality measure out the <i>largesse</i> of +the gift.”</p> + +<p>When the ceremony is performed at the house of the +bride, the bridegroom should be ready full half an hour +before the time appointed, and enter the parlor at the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">{293}</a></span> +head of his army of bridesmaids and groomsmen, with +his fair bride on his arm. In America a groomsman is +allowed for each bridesmaid, whilst in England one poor +man is all that is allowed for six, sometimes eight bridesmaids. +The brothers or very intimate friends of the +bride and groom are usually selected for groomsmen.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">{294}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVII" id="CHAPTER_XVII"></a>CHAPTER XVII.<br /> +<span class="sub">ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT.</span></h2> + +<p>When you wish to invite a lady to accompany you to +the theatre, opera, a concert, or any other public place +of amusement, send the invitation the day previous to +the one selected for taking her, and write it in the third +person. If it is the first time you have invited her, include +her mother, sister, or some other lady in the invitation.</p> + +<p>If she accepts your invitation, let it be your next care +to secure good seats, for it is but a poor compliment to +invite a lady to go to the opera, and put her in an uncomfortable +seat, where she can neither hear, see, nor be +seen.</p> + +<p>Although, when alone, you will act a courteous part +in giving your seat to a strange lady, who is standing, +in a crowded concert room, you should not do so when +you are with a lady. By giving up your place beside +her, you may place a lady next her, whom she will find +an unpleasant companion, and you are yourself separated +from her, when the conversation between the acts makes +one of the greatest pleasures of an evening spent in this +way. In case of accident, too, he deprives her of his +protection, and gives her the appearance of having come<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">{295}</a></span> +alone. Your first duty, when you are escorting a lady, +is to that lady before all others.</p> + +<p>When you are with a lady at a place of amusement, +you must not leave your seat until you rise to escort her +home. If at the opera, you may invite her to promenade +between the acts, but if she declines, do you too remain +in your seat.</p> + +<p>Let all your conversation be in a low tone, not whispered, +nor with any air of mystery, but in a tone that +will not disturb those seated near you.</p> + +<p>Any lover-like airs or attitudes, although you may have +the right to assume them, are in excessively bad taste in +public.</p> + +<p>If the evening you have appointed be a stormy one, +you must call for your companion with a carriage, and +this is the more elegant way of taking her even if the +weather does not make it absolutely necessary.</p> + +<p>When you are entering a concert room, or the box of +a theatre, walk before your companion up the aisle, until +you reach the seats you have secured, then turn, offer +your hand to her, and place her in the inner seat, taking +the outside one yourself; in going out, if the aisle is too +narrow to walk two abreast, you again precede your +companion until you reach the lobby, where you turn +and offer your arm to her.</p> + +<p>Loud talking, laughter, or mistimed applause, are all +in very bad taste, for if you do not wish to pay strict +attention to the performance, those around you probably +do, and you pay but a poor compliment to your companion +in thus implying her want of interest in what she +came to see.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">{296}</a></span> +Secure your programme, libretto, or concert bill, before +taking your seat, as, if you leave it, in order to obtain +them, you may find some one else occupying your +place when you return, and when the seats are not secured, +he may refuse to rise, thus giving you the alternative +of an altercation, or leaving your companion without +any protector. Or, you may find a lady in your seat, +in which case, you have no alternative, but must accept +the penalty of your carelessness, by standing all the +evening.</p> + +<p>In a crowd, do not push forward, unheeding whom +you hurt or inconvenience, but try to protect your companion, +as far as possible, and be content to take your +turn.</p> + +<p>If your seats are secured, call for your companion in +time to be seated some three or four minutes before the +performance commences, but if you are visiting a +hall where you cannot engage seats, it is best to go +early.</p> + +<p>If you are alone and see ladies present with whom +you are acquainted, you may, with perfect propriety, go +and chat with them between the acts, but when with a +lady, never leave her to speak to another lady.</p> + +<p>At an exhibition of pictures or statuary, you may +converse, but let it be in a quiet, gentlemanly tone, and +without gesture or loud laughter. If you stand long +before one picture or statue, see that you are not interfering +with others who may wish to see the same work +of art. If you are engaged in conversation, and wish +to rest, do not take a position that will prevent others<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">{297}</a></span> +from seeing any of the paintings, but sit down, or stand +near the centre of the room.</p> + +<p>Never, unless urgently solicited, attach yourself to +any party at a place of amusement, even if some of +the members of it are your own relatives or intimate +friends.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">{298}</a></span></p> + +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVIII" id="CHAPTER_XVIII"></a>CHAPTER XVIII.<br /> +<span class="sub">MISCELLANEOUS.</span></h2> + +<p>When you are walking with a lady who has your arm, +be careful to <em>keep step</em> with her, and do not force her to +take long, unladylike steps, or trot beside you with two +steps to one of yours, by keeping your usual manly +stride.</p> + +<p>Never allow a lady, with whom you are walking, to +carry a bundle, shawl, or bag, unless both your hands +are already occupied in her service.</p> + +<p>When you attend a wedding or bridal reception, it is +the bridegroom whom you are to <em>congratulate</em>, offering +to the bride your wishes for her future happiness, but +not <em>congratulation</em>. If you are acquainted with the +bridegroom, but not with the bride, speak to him first, +and he will introduce you to his bride, but in any other +case, you must speak first to the bride, then to the bridegroom, +then the bridesmaids, if you have any previous +acquaintance with them, then to the parents and family +of the bride, and after all this you are at liberty to seek +your other friends among the guests. If you are personally +a stranger to the newly married couple, but have +received a card from being a friend of one of the families<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">{299}</a></span> +or from any other reason, it is the first groomsman’s +place to introduce you, and you should give him your +card, or mention your name, before he leads you to the +bride.</p> + +<p>Always remove a chair or stool that stands in the way +of a lady passing, even though she is an entire stranger +to you.</p> + +<p>You may hand a chair to a strange lady, in a hotel, +or upon a boat; you may hand her water, if you see +her rise to obtain it, and at a hotel table you may pass +her the dishes near you, with perfect propriety.</p> + +<p>In this country where every other man uses tobacco, +it may not be amiss to say a few words on smoking.</p> + +<p>Dr. Prout says, “Tobacco is confessedly one of the +most virulent poisons in nature. Yet such is the fascinating +influence of this noxious weed, that mankind resort +to it in every form they can devise, to ensure its +stupifying and pernicious agency. Tobacco disorders +the assimilating functions in general, but particularly, as +I believe, the assimilation of the saccharine principle. +I have never, indeed, been able to trace the development +of oxalic acid to the use of tobacco; but that some analogous, +and equally poisonous principle (probably of +an acid nature), is generated in certain individuals by +its abuse, is evident from their cachectic looks, and from +the dark, and often greenish yellow tint of the blood. +The severe and peculiar dyspeptic symptoms sometimes +produced by inveterate snuff-taking are well known; and +I have more than once seen such cases terminate fatally +with malignant disease of the stomach and liver. Great +smokers, also, especially those who employ short pipes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">{300}</a></span> +and cigars, are said to be liable to cancerous affections +of the lips.”</p> + +<p>Yet, in spite of such warnings met with every day, +Young America, Middle-aged America, and Old America +will continue to use the poison, and many even use it in +excess. An English writer gives some very good rules +for the times and places where smoking may be allowed, +which I quote for the use of smokers on this side of the +water.</p> + +<p>He says:</p> + +<p>“But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which +Raleigh taught our gallants to puff in capacious bowls; +which a royal pedant denounced in a famous ‘Counterblast;’ +which his flattering laureate, Ben Jonson, ridiculed +to please his master; which our wives and sisters protest +gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man +can indulge in; of which some fair favorers declare that +they love the smell, and others that they will never +marry an indulger (which, by the way, they generally +end in doing); which has won a fame over more space +and among better men than Noah’s grape has ever done; +which doctors still dispute about, and boys still get sick +over; but which is the solace of the weary laborer; the +support of the ill-fed; the refresher of over-wrought +brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the +exquisite; the excuse of the idle; the companion of the +philosopher; and the tenth muse of the poet. I will go +neither into the medical nor the moral question about the +dreamy, calming cloud. I will content myself so far +with saying what may be said for everything that can +bless and curse mankind, that, in moderation, it is at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">{301}</a></span> +least harmless; but what is moderate and what is not, +must be determined in each individual case, according +to the habits and constitution of the subject. If it cures +asthma, it may destroy digestion; if it soothes the nerves, +it may, in excess, produce a chronic irritability.</p> + +<p>“But I will regard it in a social point of view; and, +first, as a narcotic, notice its effects on the individual +character. I believe, then, that in moderation it diminishes +the violence of the passions, and, particularly, that +of the temper. Interested in the subject, I have taken +care to seek instances of members of the same family +having the same violent tempers by inheritance, of whom +the one has been calmed down by smoking, and the +other gone on in his passionate course. I believe that it +induces a habit of calm reflectiveness, which causes us to +take less prejudiced, perhaps less zealous views of life, +and to be, therefore, less irritable in our converse with +our fellow creatures. I am inclined to think that the +clergy, the squirearchy, and the peasantry are the most +prejudiced and most violent classes in this country; there +may be other reasons for this, but it is noteworthy that +these are the classes which smoke least. On the other +hand, I confess that it induces a certain lassitude, and a +lounging, easy mode of life, which are fatal both to the +precision of manners and the vivacity of conversation. +The mind of a smoker is contemplative rather than +active; and if the weed cures our irritability, it kills our +wit. I believe that it is a fallacy to suppose that it encourages +drinking. There is more drinking and less +smoking in England than in any other country of the +civilized world. There was more drinking among the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">{302}</a></span> +gentry of last century, who never smoked at all. Smoke +and wine do not go well together. Coffee or beer are +its best accompaniments, and the one cannot intoxicate, +the other must be largely imbibed to do so. I have observed +among young bachelors that very little wine is +drunk in their chambers, and that beer is gradually +taking its place. The cigar, too, is an excuse for rising +from the dinner-table where there are no ladies to go to.</p> + +<p>“In another point of view, I am inclined to think +that smoking has conduced to make the society of men, +when alone, less riotous, less quarrelsome, and even less +vicious than it was. Where young men now blow a +common cloud, they were formerly driven to a fearful +consumption of wine, and this in their heads, they were +ready and roused to any iniquity. But the pipe is the +bachelor’s wife. With it he can endure solitude longer, +and is not forced into low society in order to shun it. +With it, too, the idle can pass many an hour, which +otherwise he would have given, not to work, but to extravagant +devilries. With it he is no longer restless +and impatient for excitement of any kind. We never +hear now of young blades issuing in bands from their +wine to beat the watch or disturb the slumbering citizens, +as we did thirty or forty years ago, when smoking was +still a rarity; they are all puffing harmlessly in their +chambers now. But, on the other hand, I foresee with +dread a too tender allegiance to the pipe, to the destruction +of good society, and the abandonment of the ladies. +No wonder they hate it, dear creatures; the pipe is the +worst rival a woman can have, and it is one whose eyes +she cannot scratch out; who improves with age, while<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">{303}</a></span> +she herself declines; who has an art which no woman +possesses, that of never wearying her devotee; who is +silent, yet a companion; costs little, yet gives much +pleasure; who, lastly, never upbraids, and always yields +the same joy. Ah! this is a powerful rival to wife or +maid, and no wonder that at last the woman succumbs, +consents, and, rather than lose her lord or master, even +supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands.</p> + +<p>“There are rules to limit this indulgence. One must +never smoke, nor even ask to smoke, in the company of +the fair. If they know that in a few minutes you will +be running off to your cigar, the fair will do well—say +it is in a garden, or so—to allow you to bring it out and +smoke it there. One must never smoke, again, in the +streets; that is, in daylight. The deadly crime may be +committed, like burglary, after dark, but not before. +One must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by +the ladies; thus, a well-bred man who has a wife or sisters, +will not offer to smoke in the dining-room after +dinner. One must never smoke in a public place, where +ladies are or might be, for instance, a flower-show or +promenade. One may smoke in a railway-carriage in +spite of by-laws, if one has first obtained the consent of +every one present; but if there be a lady there, though +she give her consent, smoke not. In nine cases out of +ten, she will give it from good nature. One must never +smoke in a close carriage; one may ask and obtain leave +to smoke when returning from a pic-nic or expedition in +an open carriage. One must never smoke in a theatre, +on a race-course, nor in church. This last is not, perhaps, +a needless caution. In the Belgian churches you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">{304}</a></span> +see a placard announcing, ‘Ici on ne mâche pas du +tabac.’ One must never smoke when anybody shows an +objection to it. One must never smoke a pipe in the +streets; one must never smoke at all in the coffee-room +of a hotel. One must never smoke, without consent, in +the presence of a clergyman, and one must never offer a +cigar to any ecclesiastic.</p> + +<p>“But if you smoke, or if you are in the company of +smokers, and are to wear your clothes in the presence of +ladies afterwards, you must change them to smoke in. +A host who asks you to smoke, will generally offer you +an old coat for the purpose. You must also, after +smoking, rinse the mouth well out, and, if possible, brush +the teeth. You should never smoke in another person’s +house without leave, and you should not ask leave to +do so if there are ladies in the house. When you are +going to smoke a cigar you should offer one at the same +time to anybody present, if not a clergyman or a very +old man. You should always smoke a cigar given to +you, whether good or bad, and never make any remarks +on its quality.</p> + +<p>“Smoking reminds me of spitting, but as this is at all +times a disgusting habit, I need say nothing more than—never +indulge in it. Besides being coarse and atrocious, +it is very bad for the health.”</p> + +<p>Chesterfield warns his son against faults in good +breeding in the following words, and these warnings will +be equally applicable to the student of etiquette in the +present day. He says:—</p> + +<p>“Of the lesser talents, good breeding is the principal +and most necessary one, not only as it is very important<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">{305}</a></span> +in itself, but as it adds great lustre to the more solid advantages +both of the heart and the mind. I have often +touched upon good breeding to you before; so that this +letter shall be upon the next necessary qualification to it, +which is a genteel and easy manner and carriage, wholly +free from those odd tricks, ill-habits, and awkwardnesses, +which even many very worthy and sensible people have +in their behaviour. However trifling a genteel manner +may sound, it is of very great consequence towards +pleasing in private life, especially the women, which one +time or other, you will think worth pleasing; and I have +known many a man from his awkwardness, give people +such a dislike of him at first, that all his merit could not +get the better of it afterwards. Whereas a genteel +manner prepossesses people in your favor, bends them +towards you, and makes them wish to be like you. +Awkwardness can proceed but from two causes; either +from not having kept good company, or from not having +attended to it. In good company do you take care to +observe their ways and manners, and to form your own +upon them. Attention is absolutely necessary for this, +as, indeed, it is for everything else; and a man without +attention is not fit to live in the world. When an awkward +fellow first comes into a room, it is highly probable +that he goes and places himself in the very place of the +whole room where he should not; there he soon lets his +hat fall down, and, in taking it up again, throws down +his cane; in recovering his cane, his hat falls a second +time, so that he is quarter of an hour before he is in +order again. If he drinks tea or coffee, he certainly +scalds his mouth, and lets either the cup or saucer fall,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">{306}</a></span> +and spills either the tea or coffee. At dinner his awkwardness +distinguishes itself particularly, as he has more +to do; there he holds his knife, fork, and spoon differently +from other people, eats with his knife, to the great +danger of his mouth, picks his teeth with his fork, and +puts his spoon, which has been in his throat twenty +times, into the dishes again. If he is to carve, he can +never hit the joint: but, in his vain efforts to cut through +the bone, scatters the sauce in everybody’s face. He +generally daubs himself with soup and grease, though +his napkin is commonly stuck through a button-hole, and +tickles his chin. When he drinks, he infallibly coughs +in his glass, and besprinkles the company. Besides all +this, he has strange tricks and gestures; such as snuffing +up his nose, making faces, putting his finger in his nose, +or blowing it and looking afterwards in his handkerchief +so as to make the company sick. His hands are troublesome +to him, when he has not something in them, and he +does not know where to put them; but they are in perpetual +motion between his bosom and his breeches; he +does not wear his clothes, and, in short, he does nothing +like other people. All this, I own, is not in any degree +criminal; but it is highly disagreeable and ridiculous in +company, and ought most carefully to be avoided, by +whoever desires to please.</p> + +<p>“From this account of what you should not do, you +may easily judge what you should do; and a due attention +to the manners of people of fashion, and who have +seen the world, will make it habitual and familiar to +you.</p> + +<p>“There is, likewise, an awkwardness of expression and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">{307}</a></span> +words, most carefully to be avoided; such as false English, +bad pronunciation, old sayings, and common proverbs; +which are so many proofs of having kept bad +and low company. For example, if, instead of saying +that tastes are different, and that every man has his own +peculiar one, you should let off a proverb, and say, That +what is one man’s meat is another man’s poison; or else, +Every one as they like, as the good man said when he +kissed his cow; everybody would be persuaded that you +had never kept company with anybody above footmen +and housemaids.</p> + +<p>“Attention will do all this, and without attention nothing +is to be done; want of attention, which is really want +of thought, is either folly or madness. You should not +only have attention to everything, but a quickness of +attention, so as to observe, at once, all the people in the +room, their motions, their looks, and their words, and +yet without staring at them, and seeming to be an observer. +This quick and unobserved observation is of infinite +advantage in life, and is to be acquired with care; +and, on the contrary, what is called absence, which is +thoughtlessness, and want of attention about what is +doing, makes a man so like either a fool or a madman, +that, for my part, I see no real difference. A fool never +has thought; a madman has lost it; and an absent man +is, for the time, without it.</p> + +<p>“I would warn you against those disagreeable tricks +and awkwardnesses, which many people contract when +they are young, by the negligence of their parents, and +cannot get quit of them when they are old; such as odd +motions, strange postures, and ungenteel carriage.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">{308}</a></span> +But there is likewise an awkwardness of the mind, that +ought to be, and with care may be, avoided; as, for instance, +to mistake names; to speak of Mr. What-d’ye-call-him, +or Mrs. Thingum, or How-d’ye-call-her, is excessively +awkward and ordinary. To call people by improper +titles and appellations is so too. To begin a +story or narration when you are not perfect in it, and +cannot go through with it, but are forced, possibly, to +say, in the middle of it, ‘I have forgotten the rest,’ is +very unpleasant and bungling. One must be extremely +exact, clear, and perspicuous, in everything one says, +otherwise, instead of entertaining, or informing others, +one only tires and puzzles them. The voice and manner +of speaking, too, are not to be neglected; some people +almost shut their mouths when they speak, and mutter +so, that they are not to be understood; others speak so +fast, and sputter, that they are not to be understood +neither; some always speak as loud as if they were +talking to deaf people; and others so low that one cannot +hear them. All these habits are awkward and disagreeable, +and are to be avoided by attention; they are +the distinguishing marks of the ordinary people, who +have had no care taken of their education. You cannot +imagine how necessary it is to mind all these little +things; for I have seen many people with great talents +ill-received, for want of having these talents, too; and +others well received, only from their little talents, and +who have had no great ones.”</p> + +<p>Nothing is in worse taste in society than to repeat the +witticisms or remarks of another person as if they were +your own. If you are discovered in the larceny of another’s<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">{309}</a></span> +ideas, you may originate a thousand brilliant +ones afterwards, but you will not gain the credit of one. +If you quote your friend’s remarks, give them as quotations.</p> + +<p>Be cautious in the use of your tongue. Wise men +say, that a man may repent when he has spoken, but he +will not repent if he keeps silence.</p> + +<p>If you wish to retain a good position in society, be +careful to return all the visits which are paid to you, +promptly, and do not neglect your calls upon ladies, invalids, +and men older than yourself.</p> + +<p>Visiting cards should be small, perfectly plain, with +your name, and, if you will, your address <em>engraved</em> upon +it. A handsomely written card is the most elegant one +for a gentleman, after that comes the engraved one; a +printed one is very seldom used, and is not at all elegant. +Have no fanciful devices, ornamented edges, or flourishes +upon your visiting cards, and never put your profession +or business upon any but business cards, unless it is as a +prefix or title: as, Dr., Capt., Col., or Gen., in case you +are in the army or navy, put U.S.N., or U.S.A. after +your name, but if you are only in the militia, avoid the +vulgarity of using your title, excepting when you are +with your company or on a parade. Tinted cards may +be used, but plain white ones are much more elegant. +If you leave a card at a hotel or boarding house, write +the name of the person for whom it is intended above +your own, on the card.</p> + +<p>In directing a letter, put first the name of the person +for whom it is intended, then the name of the city, then +that of the state in which he resides. If you send it to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">{310}</a></span> +the care of another person, or to a boarding house, or +hotel, you can put that name either after the name of +your correspondent, or in the left hand corner of the +letter—thus:—</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p class="ralign"><span class="pad-r8 smcap">Mr. J. S. Jones,</span><br /> +<span class="pad-r3">Care of Mr. T. C. Jones,</span><br /> +<span class="pad-r1">Boston,</span><br /> +Mass.</p> +</div> + +<p class="center">or,</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p class="ralign"><span class="pad-r3 smcap">Mr. J. S. Jones,</span><br /> +<span class="pad-r1">Boston,</span><br /> +Mass.</p> + +<p>Revere House.</p> +</div> + +<p>If your friend is in the army or navy, put his title before +his station after his name, thus:—</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p class="ralign smcap">Capt. L. Lewis, U.S.A.,</p> +</div> + +<p class="center">or,</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p class="ralign smcap">Lieutenant T. Roberts, U.S.N.</p> +</div> + +<p>If you send your letter by a private hand, put the +name of the bearer in the lower left hand corner of the +envelope, but put the name only. “Politeness of,”—or +“Kindness of,” are obsolete, and not used now at all. +Write the direction thus:—</p> + +<div class="corr-eg"> +<p class="ralign"><span class="pad-r5 smcap">J. L. Holmes, Esq.,</span><br /> +<span class="pad-r3">Revere House,</span><br /> +<span class="pad-r1">Boston,</span><br /> +Mass.</p> + +<p>C. L. Cutts, Esq.</p> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">{311}</a></span> +This will let your friend, Mr. Holmes, know that Mr. +Cutts is in Boston, which is the object to be gained by +putting the name of the bearer on a letter, sent by a +private hand.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Guard against vulgar language.</span> There is as +much connection between the words and the thoughts as +there is between the thoughts and the words; the latter +are not only the expression of the former, but they have +a power to re-act upon the soul and leave the stains of +their corruption there. A young man who allows himself +to use one profane or vulgar word, has not only +shown that there is a foul spot on his mind, but by the +utterance of that word he extends that spot and inflames +it, till, by indulgence, it will soon pollute and ruin the +whole soul. Be careful of your words as well as your +thoughts. If you can control the tongue, that no improper +words are pronounced by it, you will soon be able +to control the mind and save it from corruption. You +extinguish the fire by smothering it, or by preventing +bad thoughts bursting out in language. Never utter a +word anywhere, which you would be ashamed to speak +in the presence of the most religious man. Try this +practice a little, and you will soon have command of +yourself.</p> + +<p>Do not be known as an egotist. No man is more +dreaded in society, or accounted a greater “bore” than +he whose every other word is “I,” “me,” or “my.” +Show an interest in all that others say of themselves, +but speak but little of your own affairs.</p> + +<p>It is quite as bad to be a mere relater of scandal or +the affairs of your neighbors. A female gossip is detestable,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">{312}</a></span> +but a male gossip is not only detestable but utterly +despicable.</p> + +<p>A celebrated English lawyer gives the following directions +for young men entering into business. He +says:—</p> + +<p>“<span class="smcap">Select the kind of business that suits your +natural inclinations and temperament.</span>—Some men +are naturally mechanics; others have a strong aversion +to anything like machinery, and so on; one man has a +natural taste for one occupation in life, and another for +another.</p> + +<p>“I never could succeed as a merchant. I have tried +it, unsuccessfully, several times. I never could be content +with a fixed salary, for mine is a purely speculative +disposition, while others are just the reverse; and therefore +all should be careful to select those occupations that +suit them best.</p> + +<p>“<span class="smcap">Let your pledged word ever be sacred.</span>—Never +promise to do a thing without performing it with the +most rigid promptness. Nothing is more valuable to a +man in business than the name of always doing as he +agrees, and that to the moment. A strict adherence to +this rule gives a man the command of half the spare +funds within the range of his acquaintance, and encircles +him with a host of friends, who may be depended upon +in any emergency.</p> + +<p>“<span class="smcap">Whatever you do, do with all your might.</span>—Work +at it, if necessary, early and late, in season and +out of season, not leaving a stone unturned, and never +deferring for a single hour that which can just as well +be done <em>now</em>. The old proverb is full of truth and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">{313}</a></span> +meaning—“Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth +doing well.” Many a man acquires a fortune by doing +his business <em>thoroughly</em>, while his neighbor remains poor +for life, because he only <em>half</em> does his business. Ambition, +energy, industry, and perseverance, are indispensable +requisites for success in business.</p> + +<p>“<span class="smcap">Sobriety. Use no description of intoxicating +drinks.</span>—As no man can succeed in business unless he +has a <em>brain</em> to enable him to lay his plans, and <em>reason</em> to +guide him in their execution, so, no matter how bountifully +a man may be blessed with intelligence, if his brain +is muddled, and his judgment warped by intoxicating +drinks, it is impossible for him to carry on business successfully. +How many good opportunities have passed +never to return, while a man was sipping a ‘social glass’ +with a friend! How many a foolish bargain has been +made under the influence of the wine-cup, which temporarily +makes his victim so <em>rich</em>! How many important +chances have been put off until to-morrow, and thence +for ever, because indulgence has thrown the system into +a state of lassitude, neutralizing the energies so essential +to success in business. The use of intoxicating drinks +as a beverage is as much an infatuation as is the smoking +of opium by the Chinese, and the former is quite as +destructive to the success of the business man as the +latter.</p> + +<p>“<span class="smcap">Let hope predominate, but be not too visionary.</span>—Many +persons are always kept poor because they are +too <em>visionary</em>. Every project looks to them like certain +success, and, therefore, they keep changing from one +business to another, always in hot water, and always<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">{314}</a></span> +‘under the harrow.’ The plan of ‘counting the chickens +before they are hatched,’ is an error of ancient date, but +it does not seem to improve by age.</p> + +<p>“<span class="smcap">Do not scatter your powers.</span>—Engage in one +kind of business only, and stick to it faithfully until you +succeed, or until you conclude to abandon it. A constant +hammering on one nail will generally drive it home +at last, so that it can be clinched. When a man’s undivided +attention is centered on one object, his mind will +continually be suggesting improvements of value, which +would escape him if his brain were occupied by a dozen +different subjects at once. Many a fortune has slipped +through men’s fingers by engaging in too many occupations +at once.</p> + +<p>“<span class="smcap">Engage proper employees.</span>—Never employ a man +of bad habits when one whose habits are good can be +found to fill his situation. I have generally been extremely +fortunate in having faithful and competent persons +to fill the responsible situations in my business; and +a man can scarcely be too grateful for such a blessing. +When you find a man unfit to fill his station, either from +incapacity or peculiarity of character or disposition, dispense +with his services, and do not drag out a miserable +existence in the vain attempt to change his nature. It +is utterly impossible to do so, ‘You cannot make a silk +purse,’ &c. He has been created for some other sphere; +let him find and fill it.”</p> + +<p>If you wish to succeed in society, and be known as a +man who converses well, you must cultivate your memory. +Do not smile and tell me that this is a gift, not an acquirement. +It is true that some people have naturally a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">{315}</a></span> +more retentive memory than others, but those naturally +most deficient may strengthen their powers by cultivation.</p> + +<p>Cultivate, therefore, this glorious faculty, by storing +and exercising it with trains of imagery. Accustom +yourselves to look at any natural object, and then consider +how many facts and thoughts may be associated +with it—how much of poetic imagery and refined combinations. +Follow out this idea, and you will find that +imagination, which is too often in youth permitted to +build up castles in the air, tenantless as they are unprofitable, +will become, if duly exercised, a source of much +enjoyment. I was led into this train of thought while +walking in a beautiful country, and seeing before me a +glorious rainbow, over-arching the valley which lay in +front. And not more quickly than its appearance, came +to my remembrance an admirable passage in the “Art +of Poetic Painting,” wherein the author suggests the +great mental advantage of exercising the mind on all +subjects, by considering—</p> + +<ul> +<li>“What use can be made of them?</li> +<li>What remarks they will illustrate?</li> +<li>What representations they will serve?</li> +<li>What comparison they will furnish?”</li> +</ul> + +<p>And while thus thinking, I remembered that the ingenious +author has instanced the rainbow as affording a +variety of illustrations, and capable, in the imagery +which it suggests, of numerous combinations. Thus:</p> + +<p class="center">THE HUES OF THE RAINBOW</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Tinted the green and flowery banks of the stream;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Tinged the white blossoms of the apple orchards;<br /></span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">{316}</a></span> +<span class="i0">Shed a beauteous radiance on the grass;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Veiled the waning moon and the evening star;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Over-arched the mist of the waterfall;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Reminded the looker-on of peace opposed to turbulence.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And illustrated the moral that even the most beautiful things of earth must pass away.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Every book you read, every natural object which meets +your view, may be the exercise of memory, be made to +furnish food both for reflection and conversation, enjoyment +for your own solitary hours, and the means of +making you popular in society. Believe me, the man +who—“saw it, to be sure, but really forgot what it +looked like,” who is met every day in society, will not +be sought after as will the man, who, bringing memory +and fancy happily blended to bear upon what he sees, +can make every object worthy of remark familiar and +interesting to those who have not seen it.</p> + +<p>If you have leisure moments, and what man has not? +do not consider them as spare atoms of time to be wasted, +idled away in profitless lounging. Always have a book +within your reach, which you may catch up at your odd +minutes. Resolve to edge in a little reading every day, +if it is but a single sentence. If you can give fifteen +minutes a day, it will be felt at the end of the year. +Thoughts take up no room. When they are right they +afford a portable pleasure, which one may travel or labor +with without any trouble or incumbrance.</p> + +<p>In your intercourse with other men, let every word +that falls from your lips, bear the stamp of perfect +truth. No reputation can be more enviable than that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">{317}</a></span> +of being known as a man who no consideration could +force to soil his soul with a lie.</p> + +<p>“Truth is naturally so acceptable to man, so charming +in herself, that to make falsehood be received, we are +compelled to dress it up in the snow-white robes of +Truth; as in passing base coin, it must have the impress +of the good ere it will pass current. Deception, hypocrisy, +and dissimulation, are, when practised, direct compliments +to the power of Truth; and the common custom +of passing off Truth’s counterfeit for herself, is strong +testimony in behalf of her intrinsic beauty and excellence.”</p> + +<p>Next to being a man of talent, a well-read man is the +most agreeable in society, and no investment of money +or time is so profitable as that spent in good, useful +books, and reading. A good book is a lasting companion. +Truths, which it has taken years to glean, are therein at +once freely but carefully communicated. We enjoy +communion with the mind, though not with the person +of the writer. Thus the humblest man may surround +himself by the wisest and best spirits of past and present +ages. No one can be solitary who possesses a book; he +owns a friend that will instruct him in moments of leisure +or of necessity. It is only necessary to turn open the +leaves, and the fountain at once gives forth its streams. +You may seek costly furniture for your homes, fanciful +ornaments for your mantel-pieces, and rich carpets for +your floors; but, after the absolute necessaries for a +home, give me books as at once the cheapest, and certainly +the most useful and abiding embellishments.</p> + +<p>A true gentleman will not only refrain from ridiculing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">{318}</a></span> +the follies, ignorance, or infirmities of others, but he will +not even allow himself to smile at them. He will treat +the rudest clown with the same easy courtesy which he +would extend to the most polished gentleman, and will +never by word, look, or gesture show that he notices the +faults, or vulgarity of another. <em>Personal deformity</em> is a +cross sent by God, and none but a depraved, wicked, and +brutal man could ridicule, or even greet with a passing +smile the unfortunate thus stamped. Even a word or +look of pity will wound the sensitive, but frank, gentle +courtesy, the regard paid by a feeling man to the comfort +of a cripple, or that easy grace which, while it shows +no sign of seeing the deformity, shows more deference +to the afflicted one than to the more fortunate, are all +duly appreciated and acknowledged, and win for the +man who extends them the respect and love of all with +whom he comes in contact.</p> + +<p>Remember that true wit never descends to personalities. +When you hear a man trying to be “funny” at +the expense of his friends, or even his enemies, you may +feel sure that his <em>humor</em> is forced, and while it sinks to +ill-nature, cannot rise to the level of true <em>wit</em>.</p> + +<p>Never try to make yourself out to be a very important +person. If you are so really, your friends will soon find +it out, if not, they will not give you credit for being so, +because you try to force your fancied importance upon +them. A pompous fool, though often seen, is not much +loved nor respected, and you may remember that the +frog who tried to make himself as big as an ox, died in +the attempt.</p> + +<p>A severe wit once said, “If you do not wish to be the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">{319}</a></span> +mark for slanderous tongues, be the first to enter a room, +and the last to leave it.”</p> + +<p>If you are ever tempted to speak against a woman, +think first—“Suppose she were my sister!” You can +never gain anything by bringing your voice against a +woman, even though she may deserve contempt, and +your forbearance may shame others into a similar silence. +It is a cowardly tongue that will take a woman’s name +upon it to injure her; though many men do this, who +would fear,—<em>absolutely be afraid</em>, to speak against a +man, or that same woman, had she a manly arm to protect +her.</p> + +<p>I again quote from the celebrated Lord Chesterfield, +who says:</p> + +<p>“It is good-breeding alone that can prepossess people +in your favour at first sight, more time being necessary +to discover greater talents. This good-breeding, you +know, does not consist in low bows and formal ceremony; +but in an easy, civil, and respectful behaviour. You +will take care, therefore, to answer with complaisance, +when you are spoken to; to place yourself at the lower +end of the table, unless bid to go higher; to drink first +to the lady of the house, and next to the master; not to +eat awkwardly or dirtily; not to sit when others stand; +and to do all this with an air of complaisance, and not +with a grave, sour look, as if you did it all unwillingly. +I do not mean a silly, insipid smile, that fools have when +they would be civil; but an air of sensible good-humor. +I hardly know anything so difficult to attain, or so necessary +to possess, as perfect good-breeding; which is +equally inconsistent with a still formality, and impertinent<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">{320}</a></span> +forwardness, and an awkward bashfulness. A little +ceremony is often necessary; a certain degree of firmness +is absolutely so; and an outward modesty is extremely +becoming; the knowledge of the world, and your own +observations, must, and alone can tell you the proper +quantities of each.</p> + +<p>“I mentioned the general rules of common civility, +which, whoever does not observe, will pass for a bear, and +be as unwelcome as one, in company; there is hardly +any body brutal enough not to answer when they are +spoken to. But it is not enough not to be rude; you +should be extremely civil, and distinguished for your +good breeding. The first principle of this good breeding +is never to say anything that you think can be disagreeable +to any body in company; but, on the contrary, you +should endeavor to say what will be agreeable to them; +and that in an easy and natural manner, without seeming +to study for compliments. There is likewise such a +thing as a civil look, and a rude look; and you should +look civil, as well as be so; for if, while you are saying +a civil thing, you look gruff and surly, as English +bumpkins do, nobody will be obliged to you for a civility +that seemed to come so unwillingly. If you have occasion +to contradict any body, or to set them right from a +mistake, it would be very brutal to say, ‘<em>That is not so, I +know better</em>, or <em>You are out</em>; but you should say with a +civil look, <em>I beg your pardon, I believe you mistake</em>, or, +<em>If I may take the liberty of contradicting you, I believe +it is so and so</em>; for, though you may know a thing better +than other people, yet it is very shocking to tell them so +directly, without something to soften it; but remember<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">{321}</a></span> +particularly, that whatever you say or do, with ever so +civil an intention, a great deal consists in the manner +and the look, which must be genteel, easy, and natural, +and is easier to be felt than described.</p> + +<p>“Civility is particularly due to all women; and remember, +that no provocation whatsoever can justify any +man in not being civil to every woman; and the greatest +man would justly be reckoned a brute, if he were not civil +to the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is +the only protection they have against the superior +strength of ours; nay, even a little flattery is allowable +with women; and a man may, without meanness, tell a +woman that she is either handsomer or wiser than she is. +Observe the French people, and mind how easily and +naturally civil their address is, and how agreeably they +insinuate little civilities in their conversation. They +think it so essential, that they call an honest man and a +civil man by the same name, of <i>honnête homme</i>; and the +Romans called civility <i>humanitas</i>, as thinking it inseparable +from humanity. You cannot begin too early to +take that turn, in order to make it natural and habitual +to you.”</p> + +<p>Again, speaking of the inconveniency of bashfulness, +he says:—</p> + +<p>“As for the <i>mauvaise honte</i>, I hope you are above it. +Your figure is like other people’s; I suppose you will +care that your dress shall be so too, and to avoid any +singularity. What then should you be ashamed of? and +why not go into a mixed company, with as much ease +and as little concern, as you would go into your own +room? Vice and ignorance are the only things I know,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">{322}</a></span> +which one ought to be ashamed of; keep but clear of +them, and you may go anywhere without fear or concern. +I have known some people, who, from feeling the pain +and inconveniences of this <i>mauvaise honte</i>, have rushed +into the other extreme, and turned impudent, as +cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of +danger; but this too is carefully to be avoided, there +being nothing more generally shocking than impudence. +The medium between these two extremes marks out the +well-bred man; he feels himself firm and easy in all +companies; is modest without being bashful, and steady +without being impudent; if he is a stranger, he observes, +with care, the manners and ways of the people most esteemed +at that place, and conforms to them with complaisance.”</p> + +<p>Flattery is always in bad taste. If you say more in +a person’s praise than is deserved, you not only say +what is <em>false</em>, but you make others doubt the wisdom of +your judgment. Open, palpable flattery will be regarded +by those to whom it is addressed as an insult. +In your intercourse with ladies, you will find that the +delicate compliment of seeking their society, showing +your pleasure in it, and choosing for subjects of conversation, +other themes than the weather, dress, or the opera, +will be more appreciated by women of sense, than the +more awkward compliment of open words or gestures of +admiration.</p> + +<p>Never imitate the eccentricities of other men, even +though those men have the highest genius to excuse their +oddities. Eccentricity is, at the best, in bad taste; but +an imitation of it—second hand oddity—is detestable.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">{323}</a></span> +Never feign abstraction in society. If you have +matters of importance which really occupy your mind, +and prevent you from paying attention to the proper +etiquette of society, stay at home till your mind is less +preoccupied. Chesterfield says:—</p> + +<p>“What is commonly called an absent man, is commonly +either a very weak, or a very affected man; but +be he which he will, he is, I am sure, a very disagreeable +man in company. He fails in all the common offices of +civility; he seems not to know those people to-day, +whom yesterday he appeared to live in intimacy with. +He takes no part in the general conversation; but, on +the contrary, breaks into it from time to time, with some +start of his own, as if he waked from a dream. This +(as I said before) is a sure indication, either of a mind +so weak that it is not able to bear above one object at a +time; or so affected, that it would be supposed to be +wholly engrossed by, and directed to, some very great +and important objects. Sir Isaac Newton, Mr. Locke, +and (it may be) five or six more, since the creation of +the world, may have had a right to absence, from that +intense thought which the things they were investigating +required. But if a young man, and a man of the world, +who has no such avocations to plead, will claim and exercise +that right of absence in company, his pretended +right should, in my mind, be turned into an involuntary +absence, by his perpetual exclusion out of company. +However frivolous a company may be, still, while you +are among them, do not show them, by your inattention, +that you think them so; but rather take their tone, and +conform, in some degree, to their weakness, instead of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">{324}</a></span> +manifesting your contempt for them. There is nothing +that people bear more impatiently, or forgive less, than +contempt; and an injury is much sooner forgotten than +an insult. If, therefore, you would rather please than +offend, rather be well than ill-spoken of, rather be loved +than hated; remember to have that constant attention +about you, which flatters every man’s little vanity; and +the want of which, by mortifying his pride, never fails +to excite his resentment, or, at least, his ill will. For +instance: most people (I might say all people) have their +weaknesses; they have their aversions and their likings +to such or such things; so that, if you were to laugh at +a man for his aversion to a cat, or cheese, (which are +common antipathies,) or, by inattention and negligence, +to let them come in his way, where you could prevent it, +he would, in the first case, think himself insulted, and, +in the second, slighted, and would remember both. +Whereas your care to procure for him what he likes, and +to remove from him what he hates, shows him that he is, +at least, an object of your attention; flatters his vanity, +and makes him, possibly, more your friend than a more +important service would have done. With regard to +women, attentions still below these are necessary, and, +by the custom of the world, in some measure due, according +to the laws of good breeding.”</p> + +<p>In giving an entertainment to your friends, while you +avoid extravagant expenditure, it is your duty to place +before them the best your purse will permit you to purchase, +and be sure you have plenty. Abundance without +superfluity, and good quality without extravagance, +are your best rules for an entertainment.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">{325}</a></span> +If, by the introduction of a friend, by a mistake, or +in any other way, your enemy, or a man to whom you +have the strongest personal dislike, is under your roof, +or at your table, as a guest, hospitality and good breeding +both require you to treat him with the same frank +courtesy which you extend to your other guests; though +you need make no violent protestations of friendship, +and are not required to make any advances towards him +after he ceases to be your guest.</p> + +<p>In giving a dinner party, invite only as many guests +as you can seat comfortably at your table. If you have +two tables, have them precisely alike, or, rest assured, +you will offend those friends whom you place at what +they judge to be the inferior table. Above all, avoid +having little tables placed in the corners of the room, +when there is a large table. At some houses in Paris it +is a fashion to set the dining room entirely with small +tables, which will accommodate comfortably three or +four people, and such parties are very merry, very sociable +and pleasant, if four congenial people are around +each table; but it is a very dull fashion, if you are not +sure of the congeniality of each quartette of guests.</p> + +<p>If you lose your fortune or position in society, it is +wiser to retire from the world of fashion than to wait +for that world to bow you out.</p> + +<p>If you are poor, but welcome in society on account of +your family or talents, avoid the error which the young +are most apt to fall into, that of living beyond your +means.</p> + +<p>The advice of Polonius to Laertes is as excellent in +the present day, as it was in Shakespeare’s time:—</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">{326}</a></span></p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i6">“Give thy thoughts no tongue,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor any unproportioned thought his act.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But do not dull thy palm with entertainments<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of each new hatch’d, unfledg’d comrade. Beware<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of entrance to a quarrel: but, being in,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Bear it that the opposer may beware of thee.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgment.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But not express’d in fancy; rich, not gaudy;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For the apparel oft proclaims the man.<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0 wide">* * * * *<br /></span> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Neither a borrower nor a lender be:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For loan oft loses both itself and friend;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This above all,—To thine ownself be true;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And it must follow, as the night the day,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Thou canst not then be false to any man.”<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>It is by no means desirable to be always engaged in +the serious pursuits of life. Take time for pleasure, and +you will find your work progresses faster for some recreation. +Lord Chesterfield says:</p> + +<p>“I do not regret the time that I passed in pleasures; +they were seasonable; they were the pleasures of youth, +and I enjoyed them while young. If I had not, I should +probably have overvalued them now, as we are very apt to +do what we do not know; but knowing them as I do, I +know their real value, and how much they are generally +overrated. Nor do I regret the time that I have passed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">{327}</a></span> +in business, for the same reason; those who see only the +outside of it, imagine it has hidden charms, which they +pant after; and nothing but acquaintance can undeceive +them. I, who have been behind the scenes, both of +pleasure and business, and have seen all the springs and +pullies of those decorations which astonish and dazzle +the audience, retire, not only without regret, but with +contentment and satisfaction. But what I do, and ever +shall regret, is the time which, while young, I lost in +mere idleness, and in doing nothing. This is the common +effect of the inconsideracy of youth, against which +I beg you will be most carefully upon your guard. The +value of moments, when cast up, is immense, if well employed; +if thrown away, their loss is irrecoverable. +Every moment may be put to some use, and that with +much more pleasure than if unemployed. Do not imagine +that by the employment of time, I mean an uninterrupted +application to serious studies. No; pleasures +are, at proper times, both as necessary and as useful; +they fashion and form you for the world; they teach you +characters, and show you the human heart in its unguarded +minutes. But then remember to make that use +of them. I have known many people, from laziness of +mind, go through both pleasure and business with equal +inattention; neither enjoying the one nor doing the +other; thinking themselves men of pleasure, because +they were mingled with those who were, and men of business, +because they had business to do, though they +did not do it. Whatever you do, do it to the purpose; +do it thoroughly, not superficially. <i>Approfondissez</i>: +go to the bottom of things. Anything half done or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">{328}</a></span> +half known, is, in my mind, neither done nor known +at all. Nay worse, it often misleads. There is hardly +any place or any company where you may not gain +knowledge, if you please; almost every body knows +some one thing, and is glad to talk upon that one thing. +Seek and you will find, in this world as well as in the +next. See everything; inquire into everything; and +you may excuse your curiosity, and the questions you +ask, which otherwise might be thought impertinent, by +your manner of asking them; for most things depend a +great deal upon the manner. As, for example, I <em>am +afraid that I am very troublesome with my questions; but +nobody can inform me so well as you</em>; or something of +that kind.”</p> + +<p>The same author, speaking of the evils of pedantry, +says:—</p> + +<p>“Every excellency, and every virtue has its kindred +vice or weakness; and, if carried beyond certain bounds, +sinks into one or the other. Generosity often runs into +profusion, economy into avarice, courage into rashness, +caution into timidity, and so on:—insomuch that, I believe, +there is more judgment required for the proper +conduct of our virtues, than for avoiding their opposite +vices. Vice, in its true light, is so deformed, that it +shocks us at first sight, and would hardly ever seduce +us, if it did not at first wear the mask of some virtue. +But virtue is, in itself, so beautiful, that it charms us at +first sight; engages us more and more upon further acquaintance; +and, as with other beauties, we think excess +impossible, it is here that judgment is necessary, to +moderate and direct the effects of an excellent cause. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">{329}</a></span> +shall apply this reasoning, at present, not to any particular +virtue, but to an excellency, which, for want of +judgment, is often the cause of ridiculous and blameable +effects; I mean great learning; which, if not accompanied +with sound judgment, frequently carries us into +error, pride, and pedantry. As, I hope, you will possess +that excellency in its utmost extent, and yet without its +too common failings, the hints, which my experience can +suggest, may probably not be useless to you.</p> + +<p>“Some learned men, proud of their knowledge, only +speak to decide, and give judgment without appeal; the +consequence of which is, that mankind, provoked by the +insult, and injured by the oppression, revolt; and, in +order to shake off the tyranny, even call the lawful authority +in question. The more you know, the modester +you should be; and (by the bye) that modesty is the +surest way of gratifying your vanity. Even where you +are sure, seem rather doubtful; represent, but do not +pronounce; and, if you would convince others, seem +open to conviction yourself.</p> + +<p>“Others, to show their learning, or often from the +prejudices of a school education, where they hear of nothing +else, are always talking of the ancients, as something +more than men, and of the moderns, as something +less. They are never without a classic or two in their +pockets; they stick to the old good sense; they read +none of the modern trash; and will show you plainly +that no improvement has been made in any one art or +science these last seventeen hundred years. I would, +by no means, have you disown your acquaintance with +the ancients; but still less would I have you brag of an<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">{330}</a></span> +exclusive intimacy with them. Speak of the moderns +without contempt, and of the ancients without idolatry; +judge them all by their merits, but not by their ages; +and if you happen to have an Elzevir classic in your +pocket, neither show it nor mention it.</p> + +<p>“Some great scholars, most absurdly, draw all their +maxims, both for public and private life, from what they +call parallel cases in the ancient authors; without considering +that, in the first place, there never were, since +the creation of the world, two cases exactly parallel; +and, in the next place, that there never was a case +stated, or even known, by any historian, with every one +of its circumstances; which, however, ought to be known +in order to be reasoned from. Reason upon the case +itself, and the several circumstances that attend it, and +act accordingly; but not from the authority of ancient +poets or historians. Take into your consideration, if +you please, cases seemingly analogous; but take them +as helps only, not as guides.</p> + +<p>“There is another species of learned men who, though +less dogmatical and supercilious, are not less impertinent. +These are the communicative and shining pedants, who +adorn their conversation, even with women, by happy +quotations of Greek and Latin; and who have contracted +such a familiarity with the Greek and Roman authors, +that they call them by certain names or epithets denoting +intimacy. As, <em>old</em> Homer; that <em>sly rogue</em> Horace; +<em>Maro</em>, instead of Virgil; and <em>Naso</em>, instead of Ovid. +These are often imitated by coxcombs who have no +learning at all, but who have got some names and some +scraps of ancient authors by heart, which they improperly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">{331}</a></span> +and impertinently retail in all companies, in hopes +of passing for scholars. If, therefore, you would avoid +the accusation of pedantry on one hand, or the suspicion +of ignorance on the other, abstain from learned ostentation. +Speak the language of the company that you are +in; speak it purely, and unlarded with any other. +Never seem wiser nor more learned than the people you +are with. Wear your learning, like your watch, in a +private pocket; and do not pull it out and strike it, +merely to show that you have one. If you are asked +what o’clock it is, tell it, but do not proclaim it hourly +and unasked, like the watchman.</p> + +<p>“Upon the whole, remember that learning (I mean +Greek and Roman learning) is a most useful and necessary +ornament, which it is shameful not to be master of; +but, at the same time, most carefully avoid those errors +and abuses which I have mentioned, and which too often +attend it. Remember, too, that great modern knowledge +is still more necessary than ancient; and that you had +better know perfectly the present, than the old state of +the world; though I would have you well acquainted with +both.”</p> + +<p>If you are poor, you must deprive yourself often of +the pleasure of escorting ladies to ride, the opera, or +other entertainments, because it is understood in society +that, in these cases, a gentleman pays all the expenses +for both, and in any emergency you may find your bill +for carriage hire, suppers, bouquets, or other unforeseen +demands, greater than you anticipated.</p> + +<p>Shun the card table. Even the friendly games common +in society, for small stakes, are best avoided. They<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">{332}</a></span> +feed the love of gambling, and you will find that this +love, if once acquired, is the hardest curse to get rid off.</p> + +<p>It is in bad taste, though often done, to turn over the +cards on a table, when you are calling. If your host or +hostess finds you so doing, it may lead them to suppose +you value them more for their acquaintances than themselves.</p> + +<div class="footnotes"> +<h2 class="no-pad smcap">Footnotes:</h2> +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> Walker’s Manly Exercises.</p></div> +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> Two brothers, named <i>De Witte</i>.</p></div> +</div> + +<div id="tn"> +<h2 class="no-pad smcap">Transcriber’s Note:</h2> + +<p>Inconsistencies in accents (e.g. tete a tete vs. tête à tête) and +hyphenation (e.g. ball room vs. ball-room) have not been corrected. +Variant spellings have also been retained.</p> + +<p>Minor typographical errors (e.g. missing punctuation, incorrect or +duplicate letters) have been corrected without note.</p> + +<p>The following changes were also made to the text:</p> + +<p><a href="#Page_130">p. 130</a>: missing ‘at’ added (too lazy to part it at all)</p> + +<p><a href="#Page_255">p. 255</a>: two asterisks changed to ellipsis (before he begins any +other....)</p> + +<p><a href="#Page_266">p. 266</a>: italics added to ‘I’ and removed from ‘or’ ( <em>I have the honor +to acquaint you</em>; <em>Permit me to assure you</em>; or,)</p> + +<p><a href="#Page_292">p. 292</a>: italics removed from ‘of’ (<i>largesse</i> of)</p> + +<p><a href="#Page_332">p. 332</a>: off to of (get rid of)</p> +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and +Manual of Politeness, by Cecil B. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness + Being a Complete Guide for a Gentleman's Conduct in all + his Relations Towards Society + +Author: Cecil B. Hartley + +Release Date: March 28, 2012 [EBook #39293] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + + + + +Produced by Julia Miller, S.D., and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + THE + + GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, + + AND + + MANUAL OF POLITENESS; + + BEING + + A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR A GENTLEMAN'S CONDUCT IN ALL + HIS RELATIONS TOWARDS SOCIETY. + + CONTAINING + + RULES FOR THE ETIQUETTE TO BE OBSERVED IN THE STREET, AT + TABLE, IN THE BALL ROOM, EVENING PARTY, AND MORNING + CALL; WITH FULL DIRECTIONS FOR POLITE CORRESPONDENCE, + DRESS, CONVERSATION, MANLY EXERCISES, + AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. + + FROM THE BEST FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND AMERICAN AUTHORITIES. + + BY + CECIL B. HARTLEY. + + BOSTON: + G. W. COTTRELL, PUBLISHER, + 36 CORNHILL. + + +Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by + +G. G. EVANS, + +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of +Pennsylvania. + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + + +Man was not intended to live like a bear or a hermit, apart from others +of his own nature, and, philosophy and reason will each agree with me, +that man was born for sociability and finds his true delight in society. +Society is a word capable of many meanings, and used here in each and +all of them. Society, _par excellence_; the world at large; the little +clique to which he is bound by early ties; the companionship of friends +or relatives; even society _tete a tete_ with one dear sympathizing +soul, are pleasant states for a man to be in. + +Taking the word in its most extended view, it is the world; but in the +light we wish to impress in our book it is the smaller world of the +changing, pleasant intercourse of each city or town in which our reader +may chance to abide. + +This society, composed, as it is, of many varying natures and elements, +where each individual must submit to merge his own identity into the +universal whole, which makes the word and state, is divided and +subdivided into various cliques, and has a pastime for every +disposition, grave or gay; and with each division rises up a new set of +forms and ceremonies to be observed if you wish to glide down the +current of polite life, smoothly and pleasantly. + +The young man who makes his first entrance into the world of society, +should know how to choose his friends, and next how to conduct himself +towards them. Experience is, of course, the best guide, but at first +starting this must come second hand, from an older friend, or from +books. + +A judicious friend is the best guide; but how is the young man to know +whom to choose? When at home this friend is easily selected; but in this +country, where each bird leaves the parent nest as soon as his wings +will bear him safely up, there are but few who stay amongst the friends +at home. + +Next then comes the instruction from books. + +True a book will not fully supply the place either of experience or +friendly advice, still it may be made useful, and, carefully written +from the experience of heads grown gray in society, with only well +authenticated rules, it will be a guide not to be despised by the young +aspirant for favor in polite and refined circles. + +You go into society from mixed motives; partly for pleasure, recreation +after the fatigues of your daily duties, and partly that you may become +known. In a republican country where one man's opportunities for rising +are as good as those of another, ambition will lead every rising man +into society. + +You may set it down as a rule, that as you treat the world, so the world +will treat you. Carry into the circles of society a refined, polished +manner, and an amiable desire to please, and it will meet you with +smiling grace, and lead you forward pleasantly along the flowery paths; +go, on the contrary, with a brusque, rude manner, startling all the +silky softness before you with cut and thrust remarks, carrying only +the hard realities of life in your hand, and you will find society armed +to meet you, showing only sharp corners and thorny places for your +blundering footsteps to stumble against. + +You will find in every circle that etiquette holds some sway; her rule +is despotic in some places, in others mild, and easily set aside. Your +first lesson in society will be to study where she reigns supreme, in +her crown and holding her sceptre, and where she only glides in with a +gentle hint or so, and timidly steps out if rebuked; and let your +conduct be governed by the result of your observations. You will soon +become familiar with the signs, and tell on your first entrance into a +room whether kid gloves and exquisite finish of manner will be +appropriate, or whether it is "hail, fellow, well met" with the inmates. +Remember, however, "once a gentleman always a gentleman," and be sure +that you can so carry out the rule, that in your most careless, joyous +moments, when freest from the restraints of etiquette, you can still be +recognizable as a _gentleman_ by every act, word, or look. + +Avoid too great a restraint of manner. Stiffness is not politeness, and, +while you observe every rule, you may appear to heed none. To make your +politeness part of yourself, inseparable from every action, is the +height of gentlemanly elegance and finish of manner. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + + INTRODUCTION 3 + + CHAPTER I. + + CONVERSATION 11 + + CHAPTER II. + + POLITENESS 31 + + CHAPTER III. + + TABLE ETIQUETTE 50 + + CHAPTER IV. + + ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET 66 + + CHAPTER V. + + ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING 75 + + CHAPTER VI. + + ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM 91 + + CHAPTER VII. + + DRESS 116 + + CHAPTER VIII. + + MANLY EXERCISES 154 + + CHAPTER IX. + + TRAVELING 176 + + CHAPTER X. + + ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH 183 + + CHAPTER XI. + + ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT 186 + + CHAPTER XII. + + PARTIES 222 + + CHAPTER XIII. + + COURTESY AT HOME 228 + + CHAPTER XIV. + + TRUE COURTESY 244 + + CHAPTER XV. + + LETTER WRITING 252 + + CHAPTER XVI. + + WEDDING ETIQUETTE 280 + + CHAPTER XVII. + + ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT 294 + + CHAPTER XVIII. + + MISCELLANEOUS 298 + + + + +GENTLEMEN'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +CONVERSATION. + + +One of the first rules for a guide in polite conversation, is to avoid +political or religious discussions in general society. Such discussions +lead almost invariably to irritating differences of opinion, often to +open quarrels, and a coolness of feeling which might have been avoided +by dropping the distasteful subject as soon as marked differences of +opinion arose. It is but one out of many that can discuss either +political or religious differences, with candor and judgment, and yet so +far control his language and temper as to avoid either giving or taking +offence. + +In their place, in circles which have met for such discussions, in a +_tete a tete_ conversation, in a small party of gentlemen where each is +ready courteously to listen to the others, politics may be discussed +with perfect propriety, but in the drawing-room, at the dinner-table, or +in the society of ladies, these topics are best avoided. + +If you are drawn into such a discussion without intending to be so, be +careful that your individual opinion does not lead you into language +and actions unbecoming a gentleman. Listen courteously to those whose +opinions do not agree with yours, and _keep your temper_. A man in a +passion ceases to be a gentleman. + +Even if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong, yield gracefully, +decline further discussion, or dextrously turn the conversation, but do +not obstinately defend your own opinion until you become angry, or more +excited than is becoming to a gentleman. + +Many there are who, giving their opinion, not as an _opinion_ but as a +_law_, will defend their position by such phrases, as: "Well, if _I_ +were president, or governor, I would," &c.--and while by the warmth of +their argument they prove that they are utterly unable to govern their +own temper, they will endeavor to persuade you that they are perfectly +competent to take charge of the government of the nation. + +Retain, if you will, a fixed political opinion, yet do not parade it +upon all occasions, and, above all, do not endeavor to _force_ others to +agree with you. Listen calmly to their ideas upon the same subjects, and +if you cannot agree, differ politely, and while your opponent may set +you down as a bad politician, let him be obliged to admit that you are a +_gentleman_. + +Wit and vivacity are two highly important ingredients in the +conversation of a man in polite society, yet a straining for effect, or +forced wit, is in excessively bad taste. There is no one more +insupportable in society than the everlasting talkers who scatter puns, +witticisms, and jokes with so profuse a hand that they become as +tiresome as a comic newspaper, and whose loud laugh at their own wit +drowns other voices which might speak matter more interesting. The +really witty man does not shower forth his wit so indiscriminately; his +charm consists in wielding his powerful weapon delicately and easily, +and making each highly polished witticism come in the right place and +moment to be effectual. While real wit is a most delightful gift, and +its use a most charming accomplishment, it is, like many other bright +weapons, dangerous to use too often. You may wound where you meant only +to amuse, and remarks which you mean only in for general applications, +may be construed into personal affronts, so, if you have the gift, use +it wisely, and not too freely. + +The most important requisite for a good conversational power is +education, and, by this is meant, not merely the matter you may store in +your memory from observation or books, though this is of vast +importance, but it also includes the developing of the mental powers, +and, above all, the comprehension. An English writer says, "A man should +be able, in order to enter into conversation, to catch rapidly the +meaning of anything that is advanced; for instance, though you know +nothing of science, you should not be obliged to stare and be silent, +when a man who does understand it is explaining a new discovery or a new +theory; though you have not read a word of Blackstone, your +comprehensive powers should be sufficiently acute to enable you to take +in the statement that may be made of a recent cause; though you may not +have read some particular book, you should be capable of appreciating +the criticism which you hear of it. Without such power--simple enough, +and easily attained by attention and practice, yet too seldom met with +in general society--a conversation which departs from the most ordinary +topics cannot be maintained without the risk of lapsing into a lecture; +with such power, society becomes instructive as well as amusing, and you +have no remorse at an evening's end at having wasted three or four hours +in profitless banter, or simpering platitudes. This facility of +comprehension often startles us in some women, whose education we know +to have been poor, and whose reading is limited. If they did not rapidly +receive your ideas, they could not, therefore, be fit companions for +intellectual men, and it is, perhaps, their consciousness of a +deficiency which leads them to pay the more attention to what you say. +It is this which makes married women so much more agreeable to men of +thought than young ladies, as a rule, can be, for they are accustomed to +the society of a husband, and the effort to be a companion to his mind +has engrafted the habit of attention and ready reply." + +The same author says: "No less important is the cultivation of taste. If +it is tiresome and deadening to be with people who cannot understand, +and will not even appear to be interested in your better thoughts, it is +almost repulsive to find a man insensible to all beauty, and immovable +by any horror. + +"In the present day an acquaintance with art, even if you have no love +for it, is a _sine qua non_ of good society. Music and painting are +subjects which will be discussed in every direction around you. It is +only in bad society that people go to the opera, concerts, and +art-exhibitions merely because it is the fashion, or to say they have +been there; and if you confessed to such a weakness in really good +society, you would be justly voted a puppy. For this, too, some book +knowledge is indispensable. You should at least know the names of the +more celebrated artists, composers, architects, sculptors, and so forth, +and should be able to approximate their several schools. + +"So too, you should know pretty accurately the pronunciation of +celebrated names, or, if not, take care not to use them. It will never +do to be ignorant of the names and approximate ages of great composers, +especially in large cities, where music is so highly appreciated and so +common a theme. It will be decidedly condemnatory if you talk of the +_new_ opera 'Don Giovanni,' or _Rossini's_ 'Trovatore,' or are ignorant +who composed 'Fidelio,' and in what opera occur such common pieces as +'_Ciascun lo dice_,' or '_Il segreto_.' I do not say that these trifles +are indispensable, and when a man has better knowledge to offer, +especially with genius or 'cleverness' to back it, he will not only be +pardoned for an ignorance of them, but can even take a high tone, and +profess indifference or contempt of them. But, at the same time, such +ignorance stamps an ordinary man, and hinders conversation. On the other +hand the best society will not endure dilettantism, and, whatever the +knowledge a man may possess of any art, he must not display it so as to +make the ignorance of others painful to them. But this applies to every +topic. To have only one or two subjects to converse on, and to discourse +rather than talk on them, is always ill-bred, whether the theme be +literature or horseflesh. The gentleman jockey will probably denounce +the former as a 'bore,' and call us pedants for dwelling on it; but if, +as is too often the case, he can give us nothing more general than the +discussion of the 'points' of a horse that, perhaps, we have never seen, +he is as great a pedant in his way. + +"_Reason_ plays a less conspicuous part in good society because its +frequenters are too reasonable to be mere reasoners. A disputation is +always dangerous to temper, and tedious to those who cannot feel as +eager as the disputants; a discussion, on the other hand, in which every +body has a chance of stating amicably and unobtrusively his or her +opinion, must be of frequent occurrence. But to cultivate the reason, +besides its high moral value, has the advantage of enabling one to reply +as well as attend to the opinions of others. Nothing is more tedious or +disheartening than a perpetual, 'Yes, just so,' and nothing more. +Conversation must never be one-sided. Then, again, the reason enables us +to support a fancy or an opinion, when we are asked _why_ we think so. +To reply, 'I don't know, but still I think so,' is silly and tedious. + +"But there is a part of our education so important and so neglected in +our schools and colleges, that it cannot be too highly impressed on the +young man who proposes to enter society. I mean that which we learn +first of all things, yet often have not learned fully when death eases +us of the necessity--the art of speaking our own language. What can +Greek and Latin, French and German be for us in our every-day life, if +we have not acquired this? We are often encouraged to raise a laugh at +Doctor Syntax and the tyranny of Grammar, but we may be certain that +more misunderstandings, and, therefore, more difficulties arise between +men in the commonest intercourse from a want of grammatical precision +than from any other cause. It was once the fashion to neglect grammar, +as it now is with certain people to write illegibly, and, in the days of +Goethe, a man thought himself a genius if he could spell badly. + +"Precision and accuracy must begin in the very outset; and if we neglect +them in grammar, we shall scarcely acquire them in expressing our +thoughts. But since there is no society without interchange of thought, +and since the best society is that in which the best thoughts are +interchanged in the best and most comprehensible manner, it follows that +a proper mode of expressing ourselves is indispensable in good society. + +"The art of expressing one's thoughts neatly and suitably is one which, +in the neglect of rhetoric as a study, we must practice for ourselves. +The commonest thought well put is more useful in a social point of view, +than the most brilliant idea jumbled out. What is well expressed is +easily seized, and therefore readily responded to; the most poetic fancy +may be lost to the hearer, if the language which conveys it is obscure. +Speech is the gift which distinguishes man from animals, and makes +society possible. He has but a poor appreciation of his high privilege +as a human being, who neglects to cultivate, 'God's great gift of +speech.' + +"As I am not writing for men of genius, but for ordinary beings, I am +right to state that an indispensable part of education is a knowledge of +the literature of the English language. But _how_ to read, is, for +society more important than _what_ we read. The man who takes up nothing +but a newspaper, but reads it to _think_, to deduct conclusions from its +premises, and form a judgment on its opinions, is more fitted for +society than he, who having all the current literature and devoting his +whole time to its perusal, swallows it all without digestion. In fact, +the mind must be treated like the body, and however great its appetite, +it will soon fall into bad health if it gorges, but does not ruminate. +At the same time an acquaintance with the best current literature is +necessary to modern society, and it is not sufficient to have read a +book without being able to pass a judgment upon it. Conversation on +literature is impossible, when your respondent can only say, 'Yes. I +like the book, but I really don't know why.' + +"An acquaintance with old English literature is not perhaps +indispensable, but it gives a man great advantage in all kinds of +society, and in some he is at a constant loss without it. The same may +be said of foreign literature, which in the present day is almost as +much discussed as our own; but, on the other hand, an acquaintance with +home and foreign politics, with current history, and subjects of passing +interest, is absolutely necessary; and a person of sufficient +intelligence to join in good society, cannot dispense with his daily +newspaper, his literary journal, and the principal reviews and +magazines. The cheapness of every kind of literature, the facilities of +our well stored circulating libraries, our public reading rooms, and +numerous excellent lectures on every possible subject, leave no excuse +to poor or rich for an ignorance of any of the topics discussed in +intellectual society. You may forget your Latin, Greek, French, German, +and Mathematics, but if you frequent good company, you will never be +allowed to forget that you are a citizen of the world." + +A man of real intelligence and cultivated mind, is generally modest. He +may feel when in every day society, that in intellectual acquirements he +is above those around him; but he will not seek to make his companions +feel their inferiority, nor try to display this advantage over them. He +will discuss with frank simplicity the topics started by others, and +endeavor to avoid starting such as they will not feel inclined to +discuss. All that he says will be marked by politeness and deference to +the feelings and opinions of others. + +La Bruyere says, "The great charm of conversation consists less in the +display of one's own wit and intelligence, than in the power to draw +forth the resources of others; he who leaves you after a long +conversation, pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the +discourse, will be your warmest admirer. Men do not care to admire you, +they wish you to be pleased with them; they do not seek for instruction +or even amusement from your discourse, but they do wish you to be made +acquainted with their talents and powers of conversation; and the true +man of genius will delicately make all who come in contact with him, +feel the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they have appeared to +advantage." + +Having admitted the above to be an incontestable fact, you will also see +that it is as great an accomplishment to listen with an air of interest +and attention, as it is to speak well. + +To be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a good talker, and it +is in the character of listener that you can most readily detect the man +who is accustomed to good society. Nothing is more embarrassing to any +one who is speaking, than to perceive signs of weariness or inattention +in the person whom he addresses. + +Never interrupt any one who is speaking; it is quite as rude to +officiously supply a name or date about which another hesitates, unless +you are asked to do so. Another gross breach of etiquette, is to +anticipate the point of a story which another person is reciting, or to +take it from his lips to finish it in your own language. Some persons +plead as an excuse for this breach of etiquette, that the reciter was +spoiling a good story by a bad manner, but this does not mend the +matter. It is surely rude to give a man to understand that you do not +consider him capable of finishing an anecdote that he has commenced. + +It is ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a long speech from +another person, and quite as rude to look at a watch, read a letter, +flirt the leaves of a book, or in any other action show that you are +tired of the speaker or his subject. + +In a general conversation, never speak when another person is speaking, +and never try by raising your own voice to drown that of another. Never +assume an air of haughtiness, or speak in a dictatorial manner; let your +conversation be always amiable and frank, free from every affectation. + +Put yourself on the same level as the person to whom you speak, and +under penalty of being considered a pedantic idiot, refraining from +explaining any expression or word that you may use. + +Never, unless you are requested to do so, speak of your own business or +profession in society; to confine your conversation entirely to the +subject or pursuit which is your own speciality is low-bred and vulgar. + +Make the subject for conversation suit the company in which you are +placed. Joyous, light conversation will be at times as much out of +place, as a sermon would be at a dancing party. Let your conversation be +grave or gay as suits the time or place. + +In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw from them. +You will surely make one enemy, perhaps two, by taking either side, in +an argument when the speakers have lost their temper. + +Never gesticulate in every day conversation, unless you wish to be +mistaken for a fifth rate comedian. + +Never ask any one who is conversing with you to repeat his words. +Nothing is ruder than to say, "Pardon me, will you repeat that +sentence--I did not hear you at first," and thus imply that your +attention was wandering when he first spoke. + +Never, during a general conversation, endeavor to concentrate the +attention wholly upon yourself. It is quite as rude to enter into +conversation with one of a group, and endeavor to draw him out of the +circle of general conversation to talk with you alone. + +Never listen to the conversation of two persons who have thus withdrawn +from a group. If they are so near you that you cannot avoid hearing +them, you may, with perfect propriety, change your seat. + +Make your own share in conversation as modest and brief as is consistent +with the subject under consideration, and avoid long speeches and +tedious stories. If, however, another, particularly an old man, tells a +long story, or one that is not new to you, listen respectfully until he +has finished, before you speak again. + +Speak of yourself but little. Your friends will find out your virtues +without forcing you to tell them, and you may feel confident that it is +equally unnecessary to expose your faults yourself. + +If you submit to flattery, you must also submit to the imputation of +folly and self-conceit. + +In speaking of your friends, do not compare them, one with another. +Speak of the merits of each one, but do not try to heighten the virtues +of one by contrasting them with the vices of another. + +No matter how absurd are the anecdotes that may be told in your +presence, you must never give any sign of incredulity. They may be true; +and even if false, good breeding forces you to hear them with polite +attention, and the appearance of belief. To show by word or sign any +token of incredulity, is to give the lie to the narrator, and that is an +unpardonable insult. + +Avoid, in conversation all subjects which can injure the absent. A +gentleman will never calumniate or listen to calumny. + +Need I say that no gentleman will ever soil his mouth with an oath. +Above all, to swear in a drawing-room or before ladies is not only +indelicate and vulgar in the extreme, but evinces a shocking ignorance +of the rules of polite society and good breeding. + +For a long time the world has adopted a certain form of speech which is +used in good society, and which changing often, is yet one of the +distinctive marks of a gentleman. A word or even a phrase which has been +used among the most refined circles, will, sometimes, by a sudden freak +of fashion, from being caricatured in a farce or song, or from some +other cause, go entirely out of use. Nothing but habitual intercourse +with people of refinement and education, and mingling in general +society, will teach a gentleman what words to use and what to avoid. Yet +there are some words which are now entirely out of place in a parlor. + +Avoid a declamatory style; some men, before speaking, will wave their +hands as if commanding silence, and, having succeeded in obtaining the +attention of the company, will speak in a tone, and style, perfectly +suitable for the theatre or lecture room, but entirely out of place in a +parlor. Such men entirely defeat the object of society, for they resent +interruption, and, as their talk flows in a constant stream, no one else +can speak without interrupting the pompous idiot who thus endeavors to +engross the entire attention of the circle around him. + +This character will be met with constantly, and generally joins to the +other disagreeable traits an egotism as tiresome as it is ill-bred. + +The wittiest man becomes tedious and ill-bred when he endeavors to +engross entirely the attention of the company in which he should take a +more modest part. + +Avoid set phrases, and use quotations but rarely. They sometimes make a +very piquant addition to conversation, but when they become a constant +habit, they are exceedingly tedious, and in bad taste. + +Avoid pedantry; it is a mark, not of intelligence, but stupidity. + +Speak your own language correctly; at the same time do not be too great +a stickler for formal correctness of phrases. + +Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. To notice by word +or look such errors in those around you, is excessively ill-bred. + +Vulgar language and slang, though in common, unfortunately too common +use, are unbecoming in any one who pretends to be a gentleman. Many of +the words heard now in the parlor and drawing-room, derive their origin +from sources which a gentleman would hesitate to mention before ladies, +yet he will make daily use of the offensive word or phrase. + +If you are a professional or scientific man, avoid the use of technical +terms. They are in bad taste, because many will not understand them. If, +however, you unconsciously use such a term or phrase, do not then commit +the still greater error of explaining its meaning. No one will thank you +for thus implying their ignorance. + +In conversing with a foreigner who speaks imperfect English, listen with +strict attention, yet do not supply a word, or phrase, if he hesitates. +Above all, do not by a word or gesture show impatience if he makes +pauses or blunders. If you understand his language, say so when you +first speak to him; this is not making a display of your own knowledge, +but is a kindness, as a foreigner will be pleased to hear and speak his +own language when in a strange country. + +Be careful in society never to play the part of buffoon, for you will +soon become known as the "funny" man of the party, and no character is +so perilous to your dignity as a gentleman. You lay yourself open to +both censure and ridicule, and you may feel sure that, for every person +who laughs with you, two are laughing at you, and for one who admires +you, two will watch your antics with secret contempt. + +Avoid boasting. To speak of your money, connections, or the luxuries at +your command is in very bad taste. It is quite as ill-bred to boast of +your intimacy with distinguished people. If their names occur naturally +in the course of conversation, it is very well; but to be constantly +quoting, "my friend, Gov. C----," or "my intimate friend, the +president," is pompous and in bad taste. + +While refusing the part of jester yourself, do not, by stiff manners, or +cold, contemptuous looks, endeavor to check the innocent mirth of +others. It is in excessively bad taste to drag in a grave subject of +conversation when pleasant, bantering talk is going on around you. Join +in pleasantly and forget your graver thoughts for the time, and you will +win more popularity than if you chill the merry circle or turn their +innocent gayety to grave discussions. + +When thrown into the society of literary people, do not question them +about their works. To speak in terms of admiration of any work to the +author is in bad taste; but you may give pleasure, if, by a quotation +from their writings, or a happy reference to them, you prove that you +have read and appreciated them. + +It is extremely rude and pedantic, when engaged in general conversation, +to make quotations in a foreign language. + +To use phrases which admit of a double meaning, is ungentlemanly, and, +if addressed to a lady, they become positively insulting. + +If you find you are becoming angry in a conversation, either turn to +another subject or keep silence. You may utter, in the heat of passion, +words which you would never use in a calmer moment, and which you would +bitterly repent when they were once said. + +"Never talk of ropes to a man whose father was hanged" is a vulgar but +popular proverb. Avoid carefully subjects which may be construed into +personalities, and keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, if +you can, seeing the skeleton in your friend's closet, but if it is +paraded for your special benefit, regard it as a sacred confidence, and +never betray your knowledge to a third party. + +If you have traveled, although you will endeavor to improve your mind in +such travel, do not be constantly speaking of your journeyings. Nothing +is more tiresome than a man who commences every phrase with, "When I was +in Paris," or, "In Italy I saw----." + +When asking questions about persons who are not known to you, in a +drawing-room, avoid using adjectives; or you may enquire of a mother, +"Who is that awkward, ugly girl?" and be answered, "Sir, that is my +daughter." + +Avoid gossip; in a woman it is detestable, but in a man it is utterly +despicable. + +Do not officiously offer assistance or advice in general society. Nobody +will thank you for it. + +Ridicule and practical joking are both marks of a vulgar mind and low +breeding. + +Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible in conversation, +but flattery is broad, coarse, and to sensible people, disgusting. If +you flatter your superiors, they will distrust you, thinking you have +some selfish end; if you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking +you have no other conversation. + +A lady of sense will feel more complimented if you converse with her +upon instructive, high subjects, than if you address to her only the +language of compliment. In the latter case she will conclude that you +consider her incapable of discussing higher subjects, and you cannot +expect her to be pleased at being considered merely a silly, vain +person, who must be flattered into good humor. + +Avoid the evil of giving utterance to inflated expressions and remarks +in common conversation. + +It is a somewhat ungrateful task to tell those who would shrink from the +imputation of a falsehood that they are in the daily habit of uttering +untruths; and yet, if I proceed, no other course than this can be taken +by me. It is of no use to adopt half measures; plain speaking saves a +deal of trouble. + +The examples about to be given by me of exaggerated expressions, are +only a few of the many that are constantly in use. Whether you can +acquit yourselves of the charge of occasionally using them, I cannot +tell; but I dare not affirm for myself that I am altogether guiltless. + +"I was caught in the wet last night, the rain came down in torrents." +Most of us have been out in heavy rains; but a torrent of water pouring +down from the skies would a little surprise us, after all. + +"I am wet to the skin, and have not a dry thread upon me." Where these +expressions are once used correctly, they are used twenty times in +opposition to the truth. + +"I tried to overtake him, but in vain; for he ran like lightning." The +celebrated racehorse Eclipse is said to have run a mile in a minute, but +poor Eclipse is left sadly behind by this expression. + +"He kept me standing out in the cold so long, I thought I should have +waited for ever." There is not a particle of probability that such a +thought could have been for one moment entertained. + +"As I came across the common, the wind was as keen as a razor." This is +certainly a very keen remark, but the worst of it is that its keenness +far exceeds its correctness. + +"I went to the meeting, but had hard work to get in; for the place was +crowded to suffocation." In this case, in justice to the veracity of the +relater, it is necessary to suppose that successful means had been used +for his recovery. + +"It must have been a fine sight; I would have given the world to have +seen it." Fond as most of us are of sight-seeing, this would be buying +pleasure at a dear price indeed; but it is an easy thing to proffer to +part with that which we do not possess. + +"It made me quite low spirited; my heart felt as heavy as lead." We most +of us know what a heavy heart is; but lead is by no means the most +correct metaphor to use in speaking of a heavy heart. + +"I could hardly find my way, for the night was as dark as pitch." I am +afraid we have all in our turn calumniated the sky in this manner; pitch +is many shades darker than the darkest night we have ever known. + +"I have told him of that fault fifty times over." Five times would, in +all probability, be much nearer the fact than fifty. + +"I never closed my eyes all night long." If this be true, you acted +unwisely; for had you closed your eyes, you might, perhaps, have fallen +asleep, and enjoyed the blessing of refreshing slumber; if it be not +true, you acted more unwisely still, by stating that as a fact which is +altogether untrue. + +"He is as tall as a church-spire." I have met with some tall fellows in +my time, though the spire of a church is somewhat taller than the +tallest of them. + +"You may buy a fish at the market as big as a jackass, for five +shillings." I certainly have my doubts about this matter; but if it be +really true, the market people must be jackasses indeed to sell such +large fishes for so little money. + +"He was so fat he could hardly come in at the door." Most likely the +difficulty here alluded to was never felt by any one but the relater; +supposing it to be otherwise, the man must have been very broad or the +door very narrow. + +"You don't say so!--why, it was enough to kill him!" The fact that it +did not kill him is a sufficient reply to this unfounded observation; +but no remark can be too absurd for an unbridled tongue. + +Thus might I run on for an hour, and after all leave much unsaid on the +subject of exaggerated expressions. We are hearing continually the +comparisons, "black as soot, white as snow, hot as fire, cold as ice, +sharp as a needle, dull as a door-nail, light as a feather, heavy as +lead, stiff as a poker, and crooked as a crab-tree," in cases where such +expressions are quite out of order. + +The practice of expressing ourselves in this inflated and thoughtless +way, is more mischievous than we are aware of. It certainly leads us to +sacrifice truth; to misrepresent what we mean faithfully to describe; to +whiten our own characters, and sometimes to blacken the reputation of a +neighbor. There is an uprightness in speech as well as in action, that +we ought to strive hard to attain. The purity of truth is sullied, and +the standard of integrity is lowered, by incorrect observations. Let us +reflect upon this matter freely and faithfully. Let us love truth, +follow truth, and practice truth in our thoughts, our words, and our +deeds. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +POLITENESS. + + +Real politeness is the outward expression of the most generous impulses +of the heart. It enforces unselfishness, benevolence, kindness, and the +golden rule, "Do unto others as you would others should do unto you." +Thus its first principle is love for the neighbor, loving him as +yourself. + +When in society it would often be exceedingly difficult to decide how to +treat those who are personally disagreeable to us, if it were not for +the rules of politeness, and the little formalities and points of +etiquette which these rules enforce. These evidences of polite breeding +do not prove hypocrisy, as you may treat your most bitter enemy with +perfect courtesy, and yet make no protestations of friendship. + +If politeness is but a mask, as many philosophers tell us, it is a mask +which will win love and admiration, and is better worn than cast aside. +If you wear it with the sincere desire to give pleasure to others, and +make all the little meetings of life pass off smoothly and agreeably, it +will soon cease to be a mask, but you will find that the manner which +you at first put on to give pleasure, has become natural to you, and +wherever you have assumed a virtue to please others, you will find the +virtue becoming habitual and finally natural, and part of yourself. + +Do not look upon the rules of etiquette as deceptions. They are just as +often vehicles for the expression of sincere feeling, as they are the +mask to conceal a want of it. + +You will in society meet with men who rail against politeness, and call +it deceit and hypocrisy. Watch these men when they have an object to +gain, or are desirous of making a favorable impression, and see them +tacitly, but unconsciously, admit the power of courtesy, by dropping for +the time, their uncouth ways, to affect the politeness, they oftentimes +do not feel. + +Pass over the defects of others, be prudent, discreet, at the proper +time reserved, yet at other times frank, and treat others with the same +gentle courtesy you would wish extended to yourself. + +True politeness never embarrasses any one, because its first object is +to put all at their ease, while it leaves to all perfect freedom of +action. You must meet rudeness from others by perfect politeness and +polish of manner on your own part, and you will thus shame those who +have been uncivil to you. You will more readily make them blush by your +courtesy, than if you met their rudeness by ill manners on your own +part. + +While a favor may be doubled in value, by a frankly courteous manner of +granting it, a refusal will lose half its bitterness if your manner +shows polite regret at your inability to oblige him who asks the favor +at your hand. + +Politeness may be extended to the lowest and meanest, and you will +never by thus extending it detract from your own dignity. A _gentleman_ +may and will treat his washerwoman with respect and courtesy, and his +boot-black with pleasant affability, yet preserve perfectly his own +position. To really merit the name of a polite, finished gentleman, you +must be polite at all times and under all circumstances. + +There is a difference between politeness and etiquette. Real politeness +is in-born, and may exist in the savage, while etiquette is the outward +expression of politeness reduced to the rules current in good society. + +A man may be polite, really so in heart, yet show in every movement an +ignorance of the rules of etiquette, and offend against the laws of +society. You may find him with his elbows upon the table, or tilting his +chair in a parlor. You may see him commit every hour gross breaches of +etiquette, yet you will never hear him intentionally utter one word to +wound another, you will see that he habitually endeavors to make others +comfortable, choosing for them the easiest seats, or the daintiest +dishes, and putting self entirely aside to contribute to the pleasure of +all around him. Such a man will learn, by contact with refined society, +that his ignorance of the rules which govern it, make him, at times, +disagreeable, and from the same unselfish motive which prompts him to +make a sacrifice of comfort for the sake of others, he will watch and +learn quickly, almost by instinct, where he offends against good +breeding, drop one by one his errors in etiquette, and become truly a +gentleman. + +On the other hand, you will meet constantly, in the best society, men +whose polish of manner is exquisite, who will perform to the minutest +point the niceties of good breeding, who never commit the least act that +is forbidden by the strictest rules of etiquette; yet under all this +mask of chivalry, gallantry, and politeness will carry a cold, selfish +heart; will, with a sweet smile, graceful bow, and elegant language, +wound deeply the feelings of others, and while passing in society for +models of courtesy and elegance of manner, be in feeling as cruel and +barbarous as the veriest savage. + +So I would say to you, Cultivate your heart. Cherish there the Christian +graces, love for the neighbor, unselfishness, charity, and gentleness, +and you will be truly a gentleman; add to these the graceful forms of +etiquette, and you then become a _perfect_ gentleman. + +Etiquette exists in every corner of the known world, from the savages in +the wilds of Africa, who dare not, upon penalty of death, approach their +barbarous rulers without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most +refined circles of Europe, where gentle chivalry and a cultivated mind +suggest its rules. It has existed in all ages, and the stringency of its +laws in some countries has given rise to both ludicrous and tragic +incidents. + +In countries where royalty rules the etiquette, it often happens that +pride will blind those who make the rules, and the results are often +fatal. Believing that the same deference which their rank authorized +them to demand, was also due to them as individuals, the result of such +an idea was an etiquette as vain and useless as it was absurd. + +For an example I will give an anecdote: + +"The kings of Spain, the proudest and vainest of all kings of the +earth, made a rule of etiquette as stupid as it was useless. It was a +fault punishable by death to touch the foot of the queen, and the +individual who thus offended, no matter under what circumstances, was +executed immediately. + +"A young queen of Spain, wife of Charles the Second, was riding on +horseback in the midst of her attendants. Suddenly the horse reared and +threw the queen from the saddle. Her foot remained in the stirrup, and +she was dragged along the ground. An immense crowd stood looking at this +spectacle, but no one dared, for his life, to attempt to rescue the poor +woman. She would have died, had not two young French officers, ignorant +of the stupid law which paralyzed the Spaniards, sprung forward and +saved her. One stopped the horse, and whilst he held the bridle, his +companion disengaged from its painful position the foot of the young +queen, who was, by this time, insensible from fear and the bruises which +she had already received. They were instantly arrested, and while the +queen was carried on a litter to the palace, her young champions were +marched off, accompanied by a strong guard, to prison. The next day, +sick and feeble, the queen was obliged to leave her bed, and on her +knees before the king, plead for the pardon of the two Frenchmen; and +her prayer was only granted upon condition that the audacious foreigners +left Spain immediately." + +There is no country in the world where the absurdities of etiquette are +carried to so great a length as in Spain, because there is no nation +where the nobility are so proud. The following anecdote, which +illustrates this, would seem incredible were it not a historical fact: + +"Philip the Third, king of Spain, was sick, and being able to sit up, +was carefully placed in an arm chair which stood opposite to a large +fire, when the wood was piled up to an enormous height. The heat soon +became intolerable, and the courtiers retired from around the king; but, +as the Duke D'Ussede, the fire stirrer for the king, was not present, +and as no one else had the right to touch the fire, those present dared +not attempt to diminish the heat. The grand chamberlain was also absent, +and he alone was authorized to touch the king's footstool. The poor +king, too ill to rise, in vain implored those around him to move his +chair, no one dared touch it, and when the grand chamberlain arrived, +the king had fainted with the heat, and a few days later he died, +literally roasted to death." + +At almost all times, and in almost all places, good breeding may be +shown; and we think a good service will be done by pointing out a few +plain and simple instances in which it stands opposed to habits and +manners, which, though improper and disagreeable, are not very uncommon. + +In the familiar intercourse of society, a well-bred _man_ will be known +by the delicacy and deference with which he behaves towards females. +That man would deservedly be looked upon as very deficient in proper +respect and feeling, who should take any physical advantage of one of +the weaker sex, or offer any personal slight towards her. Woman looks, +and properly looks, for protection to man. It is the province of the +husband to shield the wife from injury; of the father to protect the +daughter; the brother has the same duty to perform towards the sister; +and, in general, every man should, in this sense, be the champion and +the lover of every woman. Not only should he be ready to protect, but +desirous to please, and willing to sacrifice much of his own personal +ease and comfort, if, by doing so, he can increase those of any female +in whose company he may find himself. Putting these principles into +practice, a well-bred man, in his own house, will be kind and respectful +in his behaviour to every female of the family. He will not use towards +them harsh language, even if called upon to express dissatisfaction with +their conduct. In conversation, he will abstain from every allusion +which would put modesty to the blush. He will, as much as in his power, +lighten their labors by cheerful and voluntary assistance. He will yield +to them every little advantage which may occur in the regular routine of +domestic life:--the most comfortable seat, if there be a difference; the +warmest position by the winter's fireside; the nicest slice from the +family joint, and so on. + +In a public assembly of any kind, a well-bred man will pay regard to the +feelings and wishes of the females by whom he is surrounded. He will not +secure the best seat for himself, and leave the women folk to take care +of themselves. He will not be seated at all, if the meeting be crowded, +and a single female appear unaccommodated. + +Good breeding will keep a person from making loud and startling noises, +from pushing past another in entering or going out of a room; from +ostentatiously using a pocket-handkerchief; from hawking and spitting +in company; from fidgeting any part of the body; from scratching the +head, or picking the teeth with fork or with finger. In short, it will +direct all who study its rules to abstain from every personal act which +may give pain or offence to another's feelings. At the same time, it +will enable them to bear much without taking offence. It will teach them +when to speak and when to be silent, and how to behave with due respect +to all. By attention to the rules of good breeding, and more especially +to its leading principles, "the poorest man will be entitled to the +character of a gentleman, and by inattention to them, the most wealthy +person will be essentially vulgar. Vulgarity signifies coarseness or +indelicacy of manner, and is not necessarily associated with poverty or +lowliness of condition. Thus an operative artizan may be a gentleman, +and worthy of our particular esteem; while an opulent merchant may be +only a vulgar clown, with whom it is impossible to be on terms of +friendly intercourse." + +The following remarks upon the "Character of a Gentleman" by Brooke are +so admirable that I need make no apology for quoting them entire. He +says; "There is no term, in our language, more common than that of +'Gentleman;' and, whenever it is heard, all agree in the general idea of +a man some way elevated above the vulgar. Yet, perhaps, no two living +are precisely agreed respecting the qualities they think requisite for +constituting this character. When we hear the epithets of a 'fine +Gentleman,' 'a pretty Gentleman,' 'much of a Gentleman,' 'Gentlemanlike,' +'something of a Gentleman,' 'nothing of a Gentleman,' and so forth; all +these different appellations must intend a peculiarity annexed to the +ideas of those who express them; though no two of them, as I said, may +agree in the constituent qualities of the character they have formed in +their own mind. There have been ladies who deemed fashionable dress a +very capital ingredient in the composition of--a Gentleman. A certain +easy impudence acquired by low people, by casually being conversant in +high life, has passed a man current through many companies for--a +Gentleman. In taverns and brothels, he who is the most of a bully is the +most of--a Gentleman. And the highwayman, in his manner of taking your +purse, may however be allowed to have--much of the Gentleman. Plato, +among the philosophers, was 'the most of a man of fashion;' and therefore +allowed, at the court of Syracuse, to be--the most of a Gentleman. But +seriously, I apprehend that this character is pretty much upon the +modern. In all ancient or dead languages we have no term, any way +adequate, whereby we may express it. In the habits, manners, and +characters of old Sparta and old Rome, we find an antipathy to all the +elements of modern gentility. Among these rude and unpolished people, +you read of philosophers, of orators, of patriots, heroes, and demigods; +but you never hear of any character so elegant as that of--a pretty +Gentleman. + +"When those nations, however, became refined into what their ancestors +would have called corruption; when luxury introduced, and fashion gave a +sanction to certain sciences, which Cynics would have branded with the +ill mannered appellations of drunkenness, gambling, cheating, lying, +&c.; the practitioners assumed the new title of Gentlemen, till such +Gentlemen became as plenteous as stars in the milky-way, and lost +distinction merely by the confluence of their lustre. Wherefore as the +said qualities were found to be of ready acquisition, and of easy +descent to the populace from their betters, ambition judged it necessary +to add further marks and criterions for severing the general herd from +the nobler species--of Gentlemen. + +"Accordingly, if the commonalty were observed to have a propensity to +religion, their superiors affected a disdain of such vulgar prejudices; +and a freedom that cast off the restraints of morality, and a courage +that spurned at the fear of a God, were accounted the distinguishing +characteristics--of a Gentleman. + +"If the populace, as in China, were industrious and ingenious, the +grandees, by the length of their nails and the cramping of their limbs, +gave evidence that true dignity was above labor and utility, and that to +be born to no end was the prerogative--of a Gentleman. + +"If the common sort, by their conduct, declared a respect for the +institutions of civil society and good government; their betters +despised such pusillanimous conformity, and the magistrates paid +becoming regard to the distinction, and allowed of the superior +liberties and privileges--of a Gentleman. + +"If the lower set show a sense of common honesty and common order; those +who would figure in the world, think it incumbent to demonstrate that +complaisance to inferiors, common manners, common equity, or any thing +common, is quite beneath the attention or sphere--of a Gentleman. + +"Now, as underlings are ever ambitious of imitating and usurping the +manners of their superiors; and as this state of mortality is incident +to perpetual change and revolution, it may happen, that when the +populace, by encroaching on the province of gentility, have arrived to +their _ne plus ultra_ of insolence, irreligion, &c.; the gentry, in +order to be again distinguished, may assume the station that their +inferiors had forsaken, and, however ridiculous the supposition may +appear at present, humanity, equity, utility, complaisance, and piety, +may in time come to be the distinguishing characteristics--of a +Gentleman. + +"It appears that the most general idea which people have formed of a +Gentleman, is that of a person of fortune above the vulgar, and +embellished by manners that are fashionable in high life. In this case, +fortune and fashion are the two constituent ingredients in the +composition of modern Gentlemen; for whatever the fashion may be, +whether moral or immoral, for or against reason, right or wrong, it is +equally the duty of a Gentleman to conform. And yet I apprehend, that +true gentility is altogether independent of fortune or fashion, of time, +customs, or opinions of any kind. The very same qualities that +constituted a gentleman, in the first age of the world, are permanently, +invariably, and indispensably necessary to the constitution of the same +character to the end of time. + +"Hector was the finest gentleman of whom we read in history, and Don +Quixote the finest gentleman we read of in romance; as was instanced +from the tenor of their principles and actions. + +"Some time after the battle of Cressy, Edward the Third of England, and +Edward the Black Prince, the more than heir of his father's renown, +pressed John King of France to indulge them with the pleasure of his +company at London. John was desirous of embracing the invitation, and +accordingly laid the proposal before his parliament at Paris. The +parliament objected, that the invitation had been made with an insidious +design of seizing his person, thereby to make the cheaper and easier +acquisition of the crown, to which Edward at that time pretended. But +John replied, with some warmth, that he was confident his brother +Edward, and more especially his young cousin, were too much of the +GENTLEMAN, to treat him in that manner. He did not say too much of the +king, of the hero, or of the saint, but too much of the GENTLEMAN to be +guilty of any baseness. + +"The sequel verified this opinion. At the battle of Poictiers King John +was made prisoner, and soon after conducted by the Black Prince to +England. The prince entered London in triumph, amid the throng and +acclamations of millions of the people. But then this rather appeared to +be the triumph of the French king than that of his conqueror. John was +seated on a proud steed, royally robed, and attended by a numerous and +gorgeous train of the British nobility; while his conqueror endeavored, +as much as possible, to disappear, and rode by his side in plain attire, +and degradingly seated on a little Irish hobby. + +"As Aristotle and the Critics derived their rules for epic poetry and +the sublime from a poem which Homer had written long before the rules +were formed, or laws established for the purpose: thus, from the +demeanor and innate principles of particular gentlemen, art has borrowed +and instituted the many modes of behaviour, which the world has adopted, +under the title of good manners. + +"One quality of a gentleman is that of charity to the poor; and this is +delicately instanced in the account which Don Quixote gives, to his fast +friend Sancho Pancha, of the valorous but yet more pious knight-errant +Saint Martin. On a day, said the Don, Saint Martin met a poor man half +naked, and taking his cloak from his shoulders, he divided, and gave him +the one half. Now, tell me at what time of the year this happened. Was I +a witness? quoth, Sancho; how the vengeance should I know in what year +or what time of the year it happened? Hadst thou Sancho, rejoined the +knight, anything within thee of the sentiment of Saint Martin, thou must +assuredly have known that this happened in winter; for, had it been +summer, Saint Martin would had given the whole cloak. + +"Another characteristic of the true gentleman, is a delicacy of +behaviour toward that sex whom nature has entitled to the protection, +and consequently entitled to the tenderness, of man. + +"The same gentleman-errant, entering into a wood on a summer's evening, +found himself entangled among nets of green thread that, here and there, +hung from tree to tree; and conceiving it some matter of purposed +conjuration, pushed valorously forward to break through the enchantment. +Hereupon some beautiful shepherdesses interposed with a cry, and +besought him to spare the implements of their innocent recreation. The +knight, surprised and charmed by the vision, replied,--Fair creatures! +my province is to protect, not to injure; to seek all means of service, +but never of offence, more especially to any of your sex and apparent +excellences. Your pretty nets take up but a small piece of favored +ground; but, did they inclose the world, I would seek out new worlds, +whereby I might win a passage, rather than break them. + +"Two very lovely but shamefaced girls had a cause, of some consequence, +depending at Westminster, that indispensably required their personal +appearance. They were relations of Sir Joseph Jeckel, and, on this +tremendous occasion, requested his company and countenance at the court. +Sir Joseph attended accordingly; and the cause being opened, the judge +demanded whether he was to entitle those ladies by the denomination of +spinsters. 'No, my Lord,' said Sir Joseph; 'they are lilies of the +valley, they toil not, neither do they spin, yet you see that no +monarch, in all his glory, was ever arrayed like one of these.' + +"Another very peculiar characteristic of a gentleman is, the giving +place and yielding to all with whom he has to do. Of this we have a +shining and affecting instance in Abraham, perhaps the most accomplished +character that may be found in history, whether sacred or profane. A +contention had arisen between the herdsmen of Abraham and the herdsmen +of his nephew, Lot, respecting the propriety of the pasture of the +lands wherein they dwelled, that could now scarce contain the abundance +of their cattle. And those servants, as is universally the case, had +respectively endeavored to kindle and inflame their masters with their +own passions. When Abraham, in consequence of this, perceived that the +countenance of Lot began to change toward him, he called, and generously +expostulated with him as followeth: 'Let there be no strife, I pray +thee, between me and thee, or between my herdsmen and thy herdsmen; for +we be brethren. If it be thy desire to separate thyself from me, is not +the whole land before thee? If thou wilt take the left hand, then will I +go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to +the left.' + +"Another capital quality of the true gentleman is, that of feeling +himself concerned and interested in others. Never was there so +benevolent, so affecting, so pathetic a piece of oratory exhibited upon +earth, as that of Abraham's pleading with God for averting the judgments +that then impended over Sodom. But the matter is already so generally +celebrated, that I am constrained to refer my reader to the passage at +full; since the smallest abridgment must deduct from its beauties, and +that nothing can be added to the excellences thereof. + +"Honor, again, is said, in Scripture, peculiarly to distinguish the +character of a gentleman; where it is written of Sechem, the son of +Hamor, 'that he was more honorable than all the house of his father.' + +"From hence it may be inferred, that human excellence, or human +amiableness, doth not so much consist in a freedom from frailty as in +our recovery from lapses, our detestation of our own transgressions, +and our desire of atoning, by all possible means, the injuries we have +done, and the offences we have given. Herein, therefore, may consist the +very singular distinction which the great apostle makes between his +estimation of a just and of a good man. 'For a just or righteous man,' +says he, 'one would grudge to die; but for a good man one would even +dare to die.' Here the just man is supposed to adhere strictly to the +rule of right or equity, and to exact from others the same measure that +he is satisfied to mete; but the good man, though occasionally he may +fall short of justice, has, properly speaking, no measure to his +benevolence, his general propensity is to give more than the due. The +just man condemns, and is desirous of punishing the transgressors of the +line prescribed to himself; but the good man, in the sense of his own +falls and failings, gives latitude, indulgence, and pardon to others; he +judges, he condemns no one save himself. The just man is a stream that +deviates not to the right or left from its appointed channel, neither is +swelled by the flood of passion above its banks; but the heart of the +good man, the man of honor, the gentleman, is as a lamp lighted by the +breath of GOD, and none save GOD himself can set limits to the efflux or +irradiations thereof. + +"Again, the gentleman never envies any superior excellence, but grows +himself more excellent, by being the admirer, promoter, and lover +thereof. Saul said to his son Jonathan, 'Thou son of the perverse, +rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse +to thine own confusion? For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the +ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom; wherefore send +and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.' Here every interesting +motive that can possibly be conceived to have an influence on man, +united to urge Jonathan to the destruction of David; he would thereby +have obeyed his king, and pacified a father who was enraged against him. +He would thereby have removed the only luminary that then eclipsed the +brightness of his own achievements. And he saw, as his father said, that +the death of David alone could establish the kingdom in himself and his +posterity. But all those considerations were of no avail to make +Jonathan swerve from honor, to slacken the bands of his faith, or cool +the warmth of his friendship. O Jonathan! the sacrifice which thou then +madest to virtue, was incomparably more illustrious in the sight of God +and his angels than all the subsequent glories to which David attained. +What a crown was thine, 'Jonathan, when thou wast slain in thy high +places!' + +"Saul of Tarsus had been a man of bigotry, blood, and violence; making +havoc, and breathing out threatenings and slaughter, against all who +were not of his own sect and persuasion. But, when the spirit of that +INFANT, who laid himself in the manger of human flesh, came upon him, he +acquired a new heart and a new nature; and he offered himself a willing +subject to all the sufferings and persecutions which he had brought upon +others. + +"Saul from that time, exemplified in his own person, all those qualities +of the gentleman, which he afterwards specifies in his celebrated +description of that charity, which, as he says, alone endureth forever. +When Festus cried with a loud voice, 'Paul, thou art beside thyself, +much learning doth make thee mad;' Paul stretched the hand, and +answered, 'I am not mad, most noble Festus, but speak forth the words of +truth and soberness. For the king knoweth of these things, before whom +also I speak freely; for I am persuaded that none of these things are +hidden from him. King Agrippa, believest thou the prophets? I know that +thou believest.' Then Agrippa said unto Paul, 'Almost thou persuadest me +to be a Christian.' And Paul said, 'I would to God that not only thou, +but also all that hear me this day, were not only almost but altogether +such as I am,--except these bonds.' Here, with what an inimitable +elegance did this man, in his own person, at once sum up the orator, the +saint, and the gentleman! + +"From these instances, my friend, you must have seen that the character, +or rather quality of a GENTLEMAN, does not, in any degree, depend on +fashion or mode, on station or opinion; neither changes with customs, +climate, or ages. But, as the Spirit of God can alone inspire it into +man, so it is, as God is the same, yesterday, to-day, and forever." + +In concluding this chapter I would say: + +"In the common actions and transactions of life, there is a wide +distinction between the well-bred and the ill-bred. If a person of the +latter sort be in a superior condition in life, his conduct towards +those below him, or dependent upon him, is marked by haughtiness, or by +unmannerly condescension. In the company of his equals in station and +circumstances, an ill-bred man is either captious and quarrelsome, or +offensively familiar. He does not consider that: + + 'The man who hails you Tom or Jack, + And proves, by thumps upon your back, + How he esteems your merit, + Is such a friend, that one had need + Be very much a friend indeed, + To pardon or to bear it.' + +"And if a man void of good breeding have to transact business with a +superior in wealth or situation, it is more than likely that he will be +needlessly humble, unintentionally insolent, or, at any rate, miserably +embarrassed. On the contrary, a well-bred person will instinctively +avoid all these errors. 'To inferiors, he will speak kindly and +considerately, so as to relieve them from any feeling of being beneath +him in circumstances. To equals, he will be plain, unaffected, and +courteous. To superiors, he will know how to show becoming respect, +without descending to subserviency or meanness. In short, he will act a +manly, inoffensive, and agreeable part, in all the situations in life in +which he may be placed.'" + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +TABLE ETIQUETTE. + + +It may seem a very simple thing to eat your meals, yet there is no +occasion upon which the gentleman, and the low-bred, vulgar man are more +strongly contrasted, than when at the table. The rules I shall give for +table etiquette when in company will apply equally well for the home +circle, with the exception of some few points, readily discernible, +which may be omitted at your own table. + +A well-bred man, receiving an invitation to dine with a friend should +reply to it immediately, whether he accepts or declines it. + +He should be punctual to the hour named in the invitation, five or ten +minutes earlier if convenient, but not one instant later. He must never, +unless he has previously asked permission to do so, take with him any +friend not named in his invitation. His host and hostess have the +privilege of inviting whom they will, and it is an impertinence to force +them to extend their hospitality, as they must do if you introduce a +friend at their own house. + +Speak, on entering the parlor of your friend, first to the hostess, then +to the host. + +When dinner is announced, the host or hostess will give the signal for +leaving the drawing-room, and you will probably be requested to escort +one of the ladies to the table. Offer to her your left arm, and at the +table wait until she is seated, indeed wait until every lady is seated, +before taking your own place. + +In leaving the parlor you will pass out first, and the lady will follow +you, still holding your arm. At the door of the dining-room, the lady +will drop your arm. Pass in, then wait on one side of the entrance till +she passes you, to her place at the table. + +If there are no ladies, you may go to the table with any gentleman who +stands near you, or with whom you may be conversing when dinner is +announced. If your companion is older than yourself, extend to him the +same courtesy which you would use towards a lady. + +There are a thousand little points to be observed in your conduct at +table which, while they are not absolutely necessary, are yet +distinctive marks of a well-bred man. + +If, when at home, you practice habitually the courtesies of the table, +they will sit upon you easily when abroad; but if you neglect them at +home, you will use them awkwardly when in company, and you will find +yourself recognized as a man who has "company manners," only when +abroad. + +I have seen men who eat soup, or chewed their food, in so noisy a manner +as to be heard from one end of the table to the other; fill their mouths +so full of food, as to threaten suffocation or choking; use their own +knife for the butter, and salt; put their fingers in the sugar bowl; and +commit other faults quite as monstrous, yet seem perfectly unconscious +that they were doing anything to attract attention. + +Try to sit easily and gracefully, but at the same time avoid crowding +those beside you. + +Far from eating with avidity of whatever delicacies which may be upon +the table, and which are often served in small quantities, partake of +them but sparingly, and decline them when offered the second time. + +Many men at their own table have little peculiar notions, which a guest +does well to respect. Some will feel hurt, even offended, if you decline +a dish which they recommend; while others expect you to eat enormously, +as if they feared you did not appreciate their hospitality unless you +tasted of every dish upon the table. Try to pay respect to such whims at +the table of others, but avoid having any such notions when presiding +over your own board. + +Observe a strict sobriety; never drink of more than one kind of wine, +and partake of that sparingly. + +The style of serving dinner is different at different houses; if there +are many servants they will bring you your plate filled, and you must +keep it. If you have the care of a lady, see that she has what she +desires, before you give your own order to the waiter; but if there are +but few domestics, and the dishes are upon the table, you may with +perfect propriety help those near you, from any dish within your reach. + +If your host or hostess passes you a plate, keep it, especially if you +have chosen the food upon it, for others have also a choice, and by +passing it, you may give your neighbor dishes distasteful to him, and +take yourself those which he would much prefer. + +If in the leaves of your salad, or in a plate of fruit you find a worm +or insect, pass your plate to the waiter, without any comment, and he +will bring you another. + +Be careful to avoid the extremes of gluttony or over daintiness at +table. To eat enormously is disgusting; but if you eat too sparingly, +your host may think that you despise his fare. + +Watch that the lady whom you escorted to the table is well helped. Lift +and change her plate for her, pass her bread, salt, and butter, give her +orders to the waiter, and pay her every attention in your power. + +Before taking your place at table, wait until your place is pointed out +to you, unless there are cards bearing the names of the guests upon the +plates; in the latter case, take the place thus marked for you. + +Put your napkin upon your lap, covering your knees. It is out of date, +and now looked upon as a vulgar habit to put your napkin up over your +breast. + +Sit neither too near nor too far from the table. Never hitch up your +coat-sleeves or wristbands as if you were going to wash your hands. Some +men do this habitually, but it is a sign of very bad breeding. + +Never tip your chair, or lounge back in it during dinner. + +All gesticulations are out of place, and in bad taste at the table. +Avoid making them. + +Converse in a low tone to your neighbor, yet not with any air of secresy +if others are engaged in _tete-a-tete_ conversation; if, however, the +conversation is general, avoid conversing _tete-a-tete_. Do not raise +your voice too much; if you cannot make those at some distance from you +hear you when speaking in a moderate tone, confine your remarks to those +near you. + +If you wish for a knife, plate, or anything from the side table, never +address those in attendance as "Waiter!" as you would at a hotel or +_restaurant_, but call one of them by name; if you cannot do this, make +him a sign without speaking. + +Unless you are requested to do so, never select any particular part of a +dish; but, if your host asks you what part you prefer, name some part, +as in this case the incivility would consist in making your host choose +as well as carve for you. + +Never blow your soup if it is too hot, but wait until it cools. Never +raise your plate to your lips, but eat with your spoon. + +Never touch either your knife or your fork until after you have finished +eating your soup. Leave your spoon in your soup plate, that the servant +may remove them both. Never take soup twice. + +In changing your plate, or passing it during dinner, remove your knife +and fork, that the plate _alone_ may be taken, but after you have +finished your dinner, cross the knife and fork on the plate, that the +servant may take all away, before bringing you clean ones for dessert. + +Do not bite your bread from the roll or slice, nor cut it with your +knife; break off small pieces and put these in your mouth with your +fingers. + +At dinner do not put butter on your bread. Never dip a piece of bread +into the gravy or preserves upon your plate and then bite it, but if +you wish to eat them together, break the bread into small pieces, and +carry these to your mouth with your fork. + +Use always the salt-spoon, sugar-tongs, and butter knife; to use your +own knife, spoon, or fingers, evinces a shocking want of good-breeding. + +Never criticize any dish before you. + +If a dish is distasteful to you, decline it, but make no remarks about +it. It is sickening and disgusting to explain at a table how one article +makes you sick, or why some other dish has become distasteful to you. I +have seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched, +because one of the company told a most disgusting anecdote about finding +vermin served in a similar dish. No wit in the narration can excuse so +palpably an error of politeness. + +Never put bones, or the seeds of fruit upon the tablecloth. Put them +upon the edge of your plate. + +Never use your knife for any purpose but to _cut_ your food. It is not +meant to be put in your mouth. Your fork is intended to carry the food +from your plate to your mouth, and no gentleman ever eats with his +knife. + +If the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too well-done, do not +eat it; give for an excuse that you prefer some other dish before you; +but never tell your host that his cook has made the dish uneatable. + +Never speak when you have anything in your mouth. Never pile the food on +your plate as if you were starving, but take a little at a time; the +dishes will not run away. + +Never use your own knife and fork to help either yourself or others. +There is always one before the dish at every well-served table, and you +should use that. + +It is a good plan to accustom yourself to using your fork with the left +hand, when eating, as you thus avoid the awkwardness of constantly +passing the fork from your left hand to your right, and back again, when +cutting your food and eating it. + +Never put fruit or bon-bons in your pocket to carry them from the table. + +Do not cut fruit with a steel knife. Use a silver one. + +Never eat so fast as to hurry the others at the table, nor so slowly as +to keep them waiting. + +If you do not take wine, never keep the bottle standing before you, but +pass it on. If you do take it, pass it on as soon as you have filled +your glass. + +If you wish to remove a fish bone or fruit seed from your mouth, cover +your lips with your hand or napkin, that others may not see you remove +it. + +If you wish to use your handkerchief, and have not time to leave the +table, turn your head away, and as quickly as possible put the +handkerchief in your pocket again. + +Always wipe your mouth before drinking, as nothing is more ill-bred than +to grease your glass with your lips. + +If you are invited to drink with a friend, and do not drink wine, bow, +raise your glass of water and drink with him. + +Do not propose to take wine with your host; it is his privilege to +invite you. + +Do not put your glass upside down on the table to signify that you do +not wish to drink any more; it is sufficient to refuse firmly. Do not be +persuaded to touch another drop of wine after your own prudence warns +you that you have taken enough. + +Avoid any air of mystery when speaking to those next you; it is ill-bred +and in excessively bad taste. + +If you wish to speak of any one, or to any one at the table, call them +by name, but never point or make a signal when at table. + +When taking coffee, never pour it into your saucer, but let it cool in +the cup, and drink from that. + +If at a gentleman's party, never ask any one to sing or tell a story; +your host alone has the right thus to call upon his guests. + +If invited yourself to sing, and you feel sufficiently sure that you +will give pleasure, comply immediately with the request. + +If, however, you refuse, remain firm in your refusal, as to yield after +once refusing is a breach of etiquette. + +When the finger-glasses are passed, dip your fingers into them and then +wipe them upon your napkin. + +Never leave the table till the mistress of the house gives the signal. + +On leaving the table put your napkin on the table, but do not fold it. + +Offer your arm to the lady whom you escorted to the table. + +It is excessively rude to leave the house as soon as dinner is over. +Respect to your hostess obliges you to stay in the drawing-room at least +an hour. + +If the ladies withdraw, leaving the gentlemen, after dinner, rise when +they leave the table, and remain standing until they have left the room. + +I give, from a recent English work, some humorously written directions +for table etiquette, and, although they are some of them repetitions of +what I have already given, they will be found to contain many useful +hints: + +"We now come to habits at table, which are very important. However +agreeable a man may be in society, if he offends or disgusts by his +table traits, he will soon be scouted from it, and justly so. There are +some broad rules for behavior at table. Whenever there is a servant to +help you, never help yourself. Never put a knife into your mouth, not +even with cheese, which should be eaten with a fork. Never use a spoon +for anything but liquids. Never touch anything edible with your fingers. + +"Forks were, undoubtedly, a later invention than fingers, but, as we are +not cannibals, I am inclined to think they were a good one. There are +some few things which you may take up with your fingers. Thus an epicure +will eat even macaroni with his fingers; and as sucking asparagus is +more pleasant than chewing it, you may, as an epicure, take it up _au +naturel_. But both these things are generally eaten with a fork. Bread +is, of course, eaten with the fingers, and it would be absurd to carve +it with your knife and fork. It must, on the contrary, always be broken +when not buttered, and you should never put a slice of dry bread to your +mouth to bite a piece off. Most fresh fruit, too, is eaten with the +natural prongs, but when you have peeled an orange or apple, you should +cut it with the aid of the fork, unless you can succeed in breaking it. +Apropos of which, I may hint that no epicure ever yet put a knife to an +apple, and that an orange should be peeled with a spoon. But the art of +peeling an orange so as to hold its own juice, and its own sugar too, is +one that can scarcely be taught in a book. + +"However, let us go to dinner, and I will soon tell you whether you are +a well-bred man or not; and here let me premise that what is good +manners for a small dinner is good manners for a large one, and _vice +versa_. Now, the first thing you do is to sit down. Stop, sir! pray do +not cram yourself into the table in that way; no, nor sit a yard from +it, like that. How graceless, inconvenient, and in the way of +conversation! Why, dear me! you are positively putting your elbows on +the table, and now you have got your hands fumbling about with the +spoons and forks, and now you are nearly knocking my new hock glasses +over. Can't you take your hands down, sir? Didn't you learn that in the +nursery? Didn't your mamma say to you, 'Never put your hands above the +table except to carve or eat?' Oh! but come, no nonsense, sit up, if you +please. I can't have your fine head of hair forming a side dish on my +table; you must not bury your face in the plate, you came to show it, +and it ought to be alive. Well, but there is no occasion to throw your +head back like that, you look like an alderman, sir, _after_ dinner. +Pray, don't lounge in that sleepy way. You are here to eat, drink, and +be merry. You can sleep when you get home. + +"Well, then, I suppose you can see your napkin. Got none, indeed! Very +likely, in _my_ house. You may be sure that I never sit down to a meal +without napkins. I don't want to make my tablecloths unfit for use, and +I don't want to make my trousers unwearable. Well, now, we are all +seated, you can unfold it on your knees; no, no; don't tuck it into your +waistcoat like an alderman; and what! what on earth do you mean by +wiping your forehead with it? Do you take it for a towel? Well, never +mind, I am consoled that you did not go farther, and use it as a +pocket-handkerchief. So talk away to the lady on your right, and wait +till soup is handed to you. By the way, that waiting is the most +important part of table manners, and, as much as possible, you should +avoid asking for anything or helping yourself from the table. Your soup +you eat with a spoon--I don't know what else you _could_ eat it +with--but then it must be one of good size. Yes, that will do, but I beg +you will not make that odious noise in drinking your soup. It is louder +than a dog lapping water, and a cat would be quite genteel to it. Then +you need not scrape up the plate in that way, nor even tilt it to get +the last drop. I shall be happy to send you some more; but I must just +remark, that it is not the custom to take two helpings of soup, and it +is liable to keep other people waiting, which, once for all, is a +selfish and intolerable habit. But don't you hear the servant offering +you sherry? I wish you would attend, for my servants have quite enough +to do, and can't wait all the evening while you finish that very mild +story to Miss Goggles. Come, leave that decanter alone. I had the wine +put on the table to fill up; the servants will hand it directly, or, as +we are a small party, I will tell you to help yourself; but, pray, do +not be so officious. (There, I have sent him some turbot to keep him +quiet. I declare he cannot make up his mind.) You are keeping my servant +again, sir. Will you, or will you not, do turbot? Don't examine it in +that way; it is quite fresh, I assure you; take or decline it. Ah, you +take it, but that is no reason why you should take up a knife too. Fish, +I repeat must never be touched with a knife. Take a fork in the right +and a small piece of bread in the left hand. Good, but--? Oh! that is +atrocious; of course you must not swallow the bones, but you should +rather do so than spit them out in that way. Put up your napkin like +this, and land the said bone on your plate. Don't rub your head in the +sauce, my good man, nor go progging about after the shrimps or oysters +therein. Oh! how horrid! I declare your mouth was wide open and full of +fish. Small pieces, I beseech you; and once for all, whatever you eat, +keep your mouth _shut_, and never attempt to talk with it full. + +"So now you have got a pate. Surely you are not taking two on your +plate. There is plenty of dinner to come, and one is quite enough. Oh! +dear me, you are incorrigible. What! a knife to cut that light, brittle +pastry? No, nor fingers, never. Nor a spoon--almost as bad. Take your +fork, sir, your fork; and, now you have eaten, oblige me by wiping your +mouth and moustache with your napkin, for there is a bit of the pastry +hanging to the latter, and looking very disagreeable. Well, you can +refuse a dish if you like. There is no positive necessity for you to +take venison if you don't want it. But, at any rate, do not be in that +terrific hurry. You are not going off by the next train. Wait for the +sauce and wait for vegetables; but whether you eat them or not, do not +begin before everybody else. Surely you must take my table for that of a +railway refreshment-room, for you have finished before the person I +helped first. Fast eating is bad for the digestion, my good sir, and not +very good manners either. What! are you trying to eat meat with a fork +alone? Oh! it is sweetbread, I beg your pardon, you are quite right. Let +me give you a rule,--Everything that can be cut without a knife, should +be cut with a fork alone. Eat your vegetables, therefore, with a fork. +No, there is no necessity to take a spoon for peas; a fork in the right +hand will do. What! did I really see you put your knife into your mouth? +Then I must give you up. Once for all, and ever, the knife is to cut, +not to help with. Pray, do not munch in that noisy manner; chew your +food well, but softly. _Eat slowly._ Have you not heard that Napoleon +lost the battle of Leipsic by eating too fast? It is a fact though. His +haste caused indigestion, which made him incapable of attending to the +details of the battle. You see you are the last person eating at table. +Sir, I will not allow you to speak to my servants in that way. If they +are so remiss as to oblige you to ask for anything, do it gently, and in +a low tone, and thank a servant just as much as you would his master. +Ten to one he is as good a man; and because he is your inferior in +position, is the very reason you should treat him courteously. Oh! it is +of no use to ask me to take wine; far from pacifying me, it will only +make me more angry, for I tell you the custom is quite gone out, except +in a few country villages, and at a mess-table. Nor need you ask the +lady to do so. However, there is this consolation, if you should ask any +one to take wine with you, he or she _cannot_ refuse, so you have your +own way. Perhaps next you will be asking me to hob and nob, or +_trinquer_ in the French fashion with arms encircled. Ah! you don't +know, perhaps, that when a lady _trinques_ in that way with you, you +have a right to finish off with a kiss. Very likely, indeed! But it is +the custom in familiar circles in France, but then we are not Frenchmen. +_Will_ you attend to your lady, sir? You did not come merely to eat, but +to make yourself agreeable. Don't sit as glum as the Memnon at Thebes; +talk and be pleasant. Now, you have some pudding. No knife--no, _no_. A +spoon if you like, but better still, a fork. Yes, ice requires a spoon; +there is a small one handed you, take that. + +"Say 'no.' This is the fourth time wine has been handed to you, and I am +sure you have had enough. Decline this time if you please. Decline that +dish too. Are you going to eat of everything that is handed? I pity you +if you do. No, you must not ask for more cheese, and you must eat it +with your fork. Break the rusk with your fingers. Good. You are drinking +a glass of old port. Do not quaff it down at a gulp in that way. Never +drink a whole glassful of anything at once. + +"Well, here is the wine and dessert. Take whichever wine you like, but +remember you must keep to that, and not change about. Before you go up +stairs I will allow you a glass of sherry after your claret, but +otherwise drink of one wine only. You don't mean to say you are helping +yourself to wine before the ladies. At least, offer it to the one next +to you, and then pass it on, gently, not with a push like that. Do not +drink so fast; you will hurry me in passing the decanters, if I see that +your glass is empty. You need not eat dessert till the ladies are gone, +but offer them whatever is nearest to you. And now they are gone, draw +your chair near mine, and I will try and talk more pleasantly to you. +You will come out admirably at your next dinner with all my teaching. +What! you are excited, you are talking loud to the colonel. Nonsense. +Come and talk easily to me or to your nearest neighbor. There, don't +drink any more wine, for I see you are getting romantic. You oblige me +to make a move. You have had enough of those walnuts; you are keeping +me, my dear sir. So now to coffee [one cup] and tea, which I beg you +will not pour into your saucer to cool. Well, the dinner has done you +good, and me too. Let us be amiable to the ladies, but not too much so." + +"_Champ, champ; Smack, smack; Smack, smack; Champ, champ;_--It is one +thing to know how to make a pudding, and another to know how to eat it +when made. Unmerciful and monstrous are the noises with which some +persons accompany the eating--no, the devouring of the food for which, +we trust, they are thankful. To sit down with a company of such +masticators is like joining 'a herd of swine feeding.' Soberly, at no +time, probably, are the rules of good breeding less regarded than at +'feeding time,' and at no place is a departure from these rules more +noticeable than at table. Some persons gnaw at a crust as dogs gnaw a +bone, rattle knives and spoons against their teeth as though anxious to +prove which is the harder, and scrape their plates with an energy and +perseverance which would be very commendable if bestowed upon any object +worth the trouble. Others, in defiance of the old nursery rhyme-- + + 'I must not dip, howe'er I wish, + My spoon or finger in the dish;' + +are perpetually helping themselves in this very straightforward and +unsophisticated manner. Another, with a mouth full of food contrives to +make his teeth and tongue perform the double duty of chewing and talking +at the same time. Another, quite in military style, in the intervals of +cramming, makes his knife and fork keep guard over the jealously watched +plate, being held upright on either side in the clenched fist, like the +musket of a raw recruit. And another, as often as leisure serves, +fidgets his plate from left to right, and from right to left, or round +and round, until the painful operation of feeding is over. + +"There is, we know, such a thing as being 'too nice'--'more nice than +wise.' It is quite possible to be fastidious. But there are also such +inconsiderable matters as decency and good order; and it surely is +better to err on the right than on the wrong side of good breeding." + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +ETIQUETTE IN THE STREET. + + +A gentleman will be always polite, in the parlor, dining-room, and in +the street. This last clause will especially include courtesy towards +ladies, no matter what may be their age or position. A man who will +annoy or insult a woman in the street, lowers himself to a brute, no +matter whether he offends by look, word, or gesture. There are several +little forms of etiquette, given below, the observance of which will +mark the gentleman in the street. + +When walking with a lady, or with a gentleman who is older than +yourself, give them the upper side of the pavement, that is, the side +nearest the house. + +When walking alone, and you see any one coming towards you on the same +side of the street, give the upper part of the pavement, as you turn +aside, to a man who may carry a heavy bundle, to a priest or clergyman, +to a woman, or to any elderly person. + +In a crowd never rudely push aside those who impede your progress, but +wait patiently until the way is clear. If you are hurried by business of +importance or an engagement, you will find that a few courteous words +will open the way before you more quickly than the most violent pushing +and loud talking. + +If obliged to cross a plank, or narrow path, let any lady or old person +who may also be passing, precede you. In case the way is slippery or in +any way unsafe, you may, with perfect propriety, offer to assist either +a lady or elderly person in crossing it. + +Do not smoke in the street until after dark, and then remove your cigar +from your mouth, if you meet a lady. + +Be careful about your dress. You can never know whom you may meet, so it +is best to never leave the house otherwise than well-dressed. Bright +colors, and much jewelry are both unbecoming to a gentleman in the +street. + +Avoid touching any one with your elbows in passing, and do not swing +your arms as you walk. + +Be careful when walking with or near a lady, not to put your foot upon +her dress. + +In carrying an umbrella, hold it so that you can see the way clear +before you; avoid striking your umbrella against those which pass you; +if you are walking with a lady, let the umbrella cover her perfectly, +but hold it so that you will not touch her bonnet. If you have the care +of two ladies, let them carry the umbrella between them, and walk +outside yourself. Nothing can be more absurd than for a gentleman to +walk between two ladies, holding the umbrella himself; while, in this +way, he is perfectly protected, the ladies receive upon their dresses +and cloaks the little streams of water which run from the points of the +umbrella. + +In case of a sudden fall of rain, you may, with perfect propriety, +offer your umbrella to a lady who is unprovided with one. If she accepts +it, and asks your address to return it, leave it with her; if she +hesitates, and does not wish to deprive you of the use of it, you may +offer to accompany her to her destination, and then, do not open a +conversation; let your manner be respectful, and when you leave her, let +her thank you, assure her of the pleasure it has given you to be of +service, bow, and leave her. + +In meeting a lady friend, wait for her to bow to you, and in returning +her salutation, remove your hat. To a gentleman you may bow, merely +touching your hat, if he is alone or with another gentleman; but if he +has a lady with him, raise your hat in bowing to him. If you stop to +speak to a lady, hold your hat in your hand, until she leaves you, +unless she requests you to replace it. With a gentleman you may replace +it immediately. + +Never join a lady whom you may meet, without first asking her permission +to do so. + +If you stop to converse with any one in the street, stand near the +houses, that you may not interfere with others who are passing. + +You may bow to a lady who is seated at a window, if you are in the +street; but you must not bow from a window to a lady in the street. + +Do not stop to join a crowd who are collected round a street show, or +street merchant, unless you wish to pass for a countryman taking a +holiday in the city. + +If you stop any one to enquire your own way, or if you are called upon +to direct another, remove your hat while asking or answering the +question. + +If you see a lady leaving a carriage unattended, or hesitating at a bad +crossing, you may, with propriety, offer your hand or arm to assist her, +and having seen her safely upon the pavement, bow, and pass on. + +In a car or omnibus, when a lady wishes to get out, stop the car for +her, pass up her fare, and in an omnibus alight and assist her in +getting out, bowing as you leave her. + +Be gentle, courteous, and kind to children. There is no surer token of a +low, vulgar mind, than unkindness to little ones whom you may meet in +the streets. + +A true gentleman never stops to consider what may be the position of any +woman whom it is in his power to aid in the street. He will assist an +Irish washerwoman with her large basket or bundle over a crossing, or +carry over the little charges of a distressed negro nurse, with the same +gentle courtesy which he would extend toward the lady who was stepping +from her private carriage. The true spirit of chivalry makes the +courtesy due to the sex, not to the position of the individual. + +When you are escorting a lady in the street, politeness does not +absolutely require you to carry her bundle or parasol, but if you are +gallant you will do so. You must regulate your walk by hers, and not +force her to keep up with your ordinary pace. + +Watch that you do not lead her into any bad places, and assist her +carefully over each crossing, or wet place on the pavement. + +If you are walking in the country, and pass any streamlet, offer your +hand to assist your companion in crossing. + +If you pass over a fence, and she refuses your assistance in crossing +it, walk forward, and do not look back, until she joins you again. The +best way to assist a lady over a fence, is to stand yourself upon the +upper rail, and while using one hand to keep a steady position, stoop, +offer her the other, and with a firm, steady grasp, hold her hand until +she stands beside you; then let her go down on the other side first, and +follow her when she is safe upon the ground. + +In starting for a walk with a lady, unless she is a stranger in the +place towards whom you act as guide, let her select your destination. + +Where there are several ladies, and you are required to escort one of +them, select the elderly, or those whose personal appearance will +probably make them least likely to be sought by others. You will +probably be repaid by finding them very intelligent, and with a fund of +conversation. If there are more ladies than gentlemen, you may offer an +arm to two, with some jest about the difficulty of choosing, or the +double honor you enjoy. + +Offer your seat in any public conveyance, to a lady who is standing. It +is often quite as great a kindness and mark of courtesy to take a child +in your lap. + +When with a lady you must pay her expenses as well as your own; if she +offers to share the expense, decline unless she insists upon it, in the +latter case yield gracefully. Many ladies, who have no brother or +father, and are dependent upon their gentlemen friends for escort, make +it a rule to be under no pecuniary obligations to them, and you will, +in such a case, offend more by insisting upon your right to take that +expense, than by quietly pocketing your dignity and their cash together. + +I know many gentlemen will cry out at my assertion; but I have observed +this matter, and know many _ladies_ who will sincerely agree with me in +my opinion. + +In a carriage always give the back seat to the lady or ladies +accompanying you. If you have but one lady with you, take the seat +opposite to her, unless she invites you to sit beside her, in which case +accept her offer. + +Never put your arm across the seat, or around her, as many do in riding. +It is an impertinence, and if she is a lady of refinement, she will +resent it as such. + +If you offer a seat in your carriage to a lady, or another gentleman +whom you may meet at a party or picnic, take them home, before you drive +to your own destination, no matter how much you may have to drive out of +your own way. + +Be the last to enter the carriage, the first to leave it. If you have +ladies with you, offer them your hand to assist them in entering and +alighting, and you should take the arm of an old gentleman to assist +him. + +If offered a seat in the carriage of a gentleman friend, stand aside for +him to get in first, but if he waits for you, bow and take your seat +before he does. + +When driving a lady in a two-seated vehicle, you should assist her to +enter the carriage, see that her dress is not in danger of touching the +wheels, and that her shawl, parasol, and fan, are where she can reach +them, before you take your own seat. If she wishes to stop, and you +remain with the horses, you should alight before she does, assist her +in alighting, and again alight to help her to her seat when she returns, +even if you keep your place on the seat whilst she is gone. + +When attending a lady in a horse-back ride, never mount your horse until +she is ready to start. Give her your hand to assist her in mounting, +arrange the folds of her habit, hand her her reins and her whip, and +then take your own seat on your saddle. + +Let her pace be yours. Start when she does, and let her decide how fast +or slowly she will ride. Never let the head of your horse pass the +shoulders of hers, and be watchful and ready to render her any +assistance she may require. + +Never, by rapid riding, force her to ride faster than she may desire. + +Never touch her bridle, reins, or whip, except she particularly requests +your assistance, or an accident, or threatened danger, makes it +necessary. + +If there is dust or wind, ride so as to protect her from it as far as +possible. + +If the road is muddy be careful that you do not ride so as to bespatter +her habit. It is best to ride on the side away from that upon which her +habit falls. Some ladies change their side in riding, from time to time, +and you must watch and see upon which side the skirt falls, that, on a +muddy day, you may avoid favoring the habit with the mud your horse's +hoofs throw up. + +If you ride with a gentleman older than yourself, or one who claims your +respect, let him mount before you do. Extend the same courtesy towards +any gentleman whom you have invited to accompany you, as he is, for the +ride, your guest. + +The honorable place is on the right. Give this to a lady, an elderly +man, or your guest. + +A modern writer says:--"If walking with a female relative or friend, a +well-bred man will take the outer side of the pavement, not only because +the wall-side is the most honorable side of a public walk, but also +because it is generally the farthest point from danger in the street. If +walking alone, he will be ready to offer assistance to any female whom +he may see exposed to real peril from any source. Courtesy and manly +courage will both incite him to this line of conduct. In general, this +is a point of honor which almost all men are proud to achieve. It has +frequently happened that even where the savage passions of men have been +excited, and when mobs have been in actual conflict, women have been +gallantly escorted through the sanguinary crowd unharmed, and their +presence has even been a protection to their protectors. This is as it +should be; and such incidents have shown in a striking manner, not only +the excellency of good breeding, but have also brought it out when and +where it was least to be expected. + +"In streets and all public walks, a well-bred person will be easily +distinguished from another who sets at defiance the rules of good +breeding. He will not, whatever be his station, hinder and annoy his +fellow pedestrians, by loitering or standing still in the middle of the +footway. He will, if walking in company, abstain from making impertinent +remarks on those he meets; he will even be careful not to appear +indelicately to notice them. He will not take 'the crown of the +causeway' to himself, but readily fall in with the convenient custom +which necessity has provided, and walk on the right side of the path, +leaving the left side free for those who are walking in the opposite +direction. Any departure from these plain rules of good breeding is +downright rudeness and insult; or, at all events, it betrays great +ignorance or disregard for propriety. And yet, how often are they +departed from! It is, by no means, uncommon, especially in country +places, for groups of working men to obstruct the pathway upon which +they take a fancy to lounge, without any definite object, as far as +appears, but that of making rude remarks upon passers-by. But it is not +only the laboring classes of society who offend against good breeding in +this way; too many others offend in the same, and by stopping to talk in +the middle of the pavement put all who pass to great inconvenience." + +In meeting a lady do not offer to shake hands with her, but accept her +hand when _she_ offers it for you to take. + +"In France, where politeness is found in every class, the people do not +run against each other in the streets, nor brush rudely by each other, +as they sometimes do in our cities. It adds much to the pleasure of +walking, to be free from such annoyance; and this can only be brought +about by the well-taught few setting a good example to the many. By +having your wits about you, you can win your way through a thronged +street without touching even the extreme circumference of a balloon +sleeve; and, if each one strove to avoid all contact, it would be easily +accomplished." + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +ETIQUETTE FOR CALLING. + + +A gentleman in society must calculate to give a certain portion of his +time to making calls upon his friends, both ladies and gentlemen. He may +extend his visiting list to as large a number as his inclination and +time will permit him to attend to, but he cannot contract it after +passing certain limits. His position as a man in society obliges him to +call, + +Upon any stranger visiting his city, who brings a letter of introduction +to him; + +Upon any friend from another city, to whose hospitality he has been at +any time indebted; + +Upon any gentleman after receiving from his hands a favor or courtesy; + +Upon his host at any dinner or supper party, (such calls should be made +very soon after the entertainment given); + +Upon any friend whose joy or grief calls for an expression of sympathy, +whether it be congratulation or condolence; + +Upon any friend who has lately returned from a voyage or long journey; + +Upon any lady who has accepted his services as an escort, either for a +journey or the return from a ball or evening party; this call must be +made the day after he has thus escorted the lady; + +Upon his hostess after any party to which he has been invited, whether +he has accepted or declined such invitation; + +Upon any lady who has accepted his escort for an evening, a walk or a +drive; + +Upon any friend whom long or severe illness keeps confined to the house; + +Upon his lady friends on New Year's day, (if it is the custom of the +city in which he resides;) + +Upon any of his friends when they receive bridal calls; + +Upon lady friends in any city you are visiting; if gentlemen friends +reside in the same city, you may either call upon them or send your card +with your address and the length of time you intend staying, written +upon it; if a stranger or friend visiting your city sends such a card, +you must call at the earliest opportunity; + +Upon any one of whom you wish to ask a favor; to make him, under such +circumstances call upon you, is extremely rude; + +Upon any one who has asked a favor of you; you will add very much to the +pleasure you confer, in granting a favor, by calling to express the +gratification it affords you to be able to oblige your friend; you will +soften the pain of a refusal, if, by calling, and expressing your +regret, you show that you feel interested in the request, and consider +it of importance. + +Upon intimate friends, relatives, and ladies, you may call without +waiting for any of the occasions given above. + +Do not fall into the vulgar error of declaiming against the practice of +making calls, declaring it a "bore," tiresome, or stupid. The custom is +a good one. + +An English writer says:-- + +"The visit or call is a much better institution than is generally +supposed. It has its drawbacks. It wastes much time; it necessitates +much small talk. It obliges one to dress on the chance of finding a +friend at home; but for all this it is almost the only means of making +an acquaintance ripen into friendship. In the visit, all the strain, +which general society somehow necessitates, is thrown off. A man +receives you in his rooms cordially, and makes you welcome, not to a +stiff dinner, but an easy chair and conversation. A lady, who in the +ball room or party has been compelled to limit her conversation, can +here speak more freely. The talk can descend from generalities to +personal inquiries, and need I say, that if you wish to know a young +lady truly, you must see her at home, and by day light. + +"The main points to be observed about visits, are the proper occasions +and the proper hours. Now, between actual friends there is little need +of etiquette in these respects. A friendly visit may be made at any +time, on any occasion. True, you are more welcome when the business of +the day is over, in the afternoon rather than in the morning, and you +must, even as a friend, avoid calling at meal times. But, on the other +hand, many people receive visits in the evening, and certainly this is +the best time to make them." + +Any first call which you receive must be returned promptly. If you do +not wish to continue the acquaintance any farther, you need not return a +second call, but politeness imperatively demands a return of the first +one. + +A call may be made upon ladies in the morning or afternoon; but in this +country, where almost every man has some business to occupy his day, the +evening is the best time for paying calls. You will gain ground in easy +intercourse and friendly acquaintance more rapidly in one evening, than +in several morning calls. + +Never make a call upon a lady before eleven o'clock in the morning, or +after nine in the evening. + +Avoid meal times. If you inadvertently call at dinner or tea time, and +your host is thus forced to invite you to the table, it is best to +decline the civility. If, however, you see that you will give pleasure +by staying, accept the invitation, but be careful to avoid calling again +at the same hour. + +No man in the United States, excepting His Excellency, the President, +can expect to receive calls unless he returns them. + +"Visiting," says a French writer, "forms the cord which binds society +together, and it is so firmly tied, that were the knot severed, society +would perish." + +A ceremonious call should never extend over more than fifteen minutes, +and it should not be less than ten minutes. + +If you see the master of the house take letters or a paper from his +pocket, look at the clock, have an absent air, beat time with his +fingers or hands, or in any other way show weariness or _ennui_, you +may safely conclude that it is time for you to leave, though you may not +have been five minutes in the house. If you are host to the most +wearisome visitor in existence, if he stays hours, and converses only on +subjects which do not interest you, in the least; unless he is keeping +you from an important engagement, you must not show the least sign of +weariness. Listen to him politely, endeavor to entertain him, and +preserve a smiling composure, though you may long to show him the door. +In case he is keeping you from business of importance, or an imperative +engagement, you may, without any infringement upon the laws of +politeness, inform him of the fact, and beg him to excuse you; you must, +however, express polite regret at your enforced want of hospitality, and +invite him to call again. + +It is quite an art to make a graceful exit after a call. To know how to +choose the moment when you will be regretted, and to retire leaving your +friends anxious for a repetition of the call, is an accomplishment worth +acquiring. + +When you begin to tire of your visit, you may generally feel sure that +your entertainers are tired of you, and if you do not want to remain +printed upon their memory as "the man who makes such long, tiresome +calls," you will retire. + +If other callers come in before you leave a friend's parlor, do not rise +immediately as if you wished to avoid them, but remain seated a few +moments, and then leave, that your hostess may not have too many +visitors to entertain at one time. + +If you have been enjoying a _tete-a-tete_ interview with a lady, and +other callers come in, do not hurry away, as if detected in a crime, but +after a few courteous, graceful words, and the interchange of some +pleasant remarks, leave her to entertain her other friends. + +To endeavor when making a call to "sit out" others in the room, is very +rude. + +When your host or hostess urges you to stay longer, after you have risen +to go, be sure that that is the best time for departure. You will do +better to go then, when you will be regretted, than to wait until you +have worn your welcome out. + +When making a visit of condolence, take your tone from your host or +hostess. If they speak of their misfortune, or, in case of death, of the +departed relative, join them. Speak of the talents or virtues of the +deceased, and your sympathy with their loss. If, on the other hand, they +avoid the subject, then it is best for you to avoid it too. They may +feel their inability to sustain a conversation upon the subject of their +recent affliction, and it would then be cruel to force it upon them. If +you see that they are making an effort, perhaps a painful one, to appear +cheerful, try to make them forget for the time their sorrows, and chat +on cheerful subjects. At the same time, avoid jesting, merriment, or +undue levity, as it will be out of place, and appear heartless. + +A visit of congratulation, should, on the contrary, be cheerful, gay, +and joyous. Here, painful subjects would be out of place. Do not mar the +happiness of your friend by the description of the misery of your own +position or that of a third person, but endeavor to show by joyous +sympathy that the pleasure of your friend is also your happiness. To +laugh with those who laugh, weep with those who are afflicted, is not +hypocrisy, but kindly, friendly sympathy. + +Always, when making a friendly call, send up your card, by the servant +who opens the door. + +There are many times when a card may be left, even if the family upon +which you call is at home. Visits of condolence, unless amongst +relatives or very intimate friends, are best made by leaving a card with +enquiries for the health of the family, and offers of service. + +If you see upon entering a friend's parlor, that your call is keeping +him from going out, or, if you find a lady friend dressed for a party or +promenade, make your visit very brief. In the latter case, if the lady +seems unattended, and urges your stay, you may offer your services as an +escort. + +Never visit a literary man, an artist, any man whose profession allows +him to remain at home, at the hours when he is engaged in the pursuit of +his profession. The fact that you know he is at home is nothing; he will +not care to receive visits during the time allotted to his daily work. + +Never take another gentleman to call upon one of your lady friends +without first obtaining her permission to do so. + +The calls made after receiving an invitation to dinner, a party, ball, +or other entertainment should be made within a fortnight after the +civility has been accepted. + +When you have saluted the host and hostess, do not take a seat until +they invite you to do so, or by a motion, and themselves sitting down, +show that they expect you to do the same. + +Keep your hat in your hand when making a call. This will show your host +that you do not intend to remain to dine or sup with him. You may leave +an umbrella or cane in the hall if you wish, but your hat and gloves you +must carry into the parlor. In making an evening call for the first time +keep your hat and gloves in your hand, until the host or hostess +requests you to lay them aside and spend the evening. + +When going to spend the evening with a friend whom you visit often, +leave your hat, gloves, and great coat in the hall. + +If, on entering a parlor of a lady friend, in the evening, you see by +her dress, or any other token, that she was expecting to go to the +opera, concert, or an evening party, make a call of a few minutes only, +and then retire. I have known men who accepted instantly the invitation +given them to remain under these circumstances, and deprive their +friends of an anticipated pleasure, when their call could have been made +at any other time. To thus impose upon the courtesy of your friends is +excessively rude. Nothing will pardon such an acceptance but the +impossibility of repeating your call, owing to a short stay in town, or +any other cause. Even in this case it is better to accompany your +friends upon their expedition in search of pleasure. You can, of course, +easily obtain admittance if they are going to a public entertainment, +and if they invite you to join their party to a friend's house, you may +without impropriety do so, as a lady is privileged to introduce you to +her friends under such circumstances. It requires tact and discretion to +know when to accept and when to decline such an invitation. Be careful +that you do not intrude upon a party already complete in themselves, or +that you do not interfere with the plans of the gentlemen who have +already been accepted as escorts. + +Never make a _third_ upon such occasions. Neither one of a couple who +propose spending the evening abroad together, will thank the intruder +who spoils their tete-a-tete. + +When you find, on entering a room, that your visit is for any reason +inopportune, do not instantly retire unless you have entered unperceived +and can so leave, in which case leave immediately; if, however, you have +been seen, your instant retreat is cut off. Then endeavor by your own +graceful ease to cover any embarrassment your entrance may have caused, +make but a short call, and, if you can, leave your friends under the +impression that you saw nothing out of the way when you entered. + +Always leave a card when you find the person upon whom you have called +absent from home. + +A card should have nothing written upon it, but your name and address. +To leave a card with your business address, or the nature of your +profession written upon it, shows a shocking ignorance of polite +society. Business cards are never to be used excepting when you make a +business call. + +Never use a card that is ornamented in any way, whether by a fancy +border, painted corners, or embossing. Let it be perfectly plain, +tinted, if you like, in color, but without ornament, and have your name +written or printed in the middle, your address, in smaller characters, +in the lower left hand corner. Many gentlemen omit the Mr. upon their +cards, writing merely their Christian and surname; this is a matter of +taste, you may follow your own inclination. Let your card be written +thus:-- + + HENRY C. PRATT + + No. 217 L. street. + +A physician will put Dr. before or M.D. after the name, and an officer +in the army or navy may add his title; but for militia officers to do so +is absurd. + +If you call upon a lady, who invites you to be seated, place a chair for +her, and wait until she takes it before you sit down yourself. + +Never sit beside a lady upon a sofa, or on a chair very near her own, +unless she invites you to do so. + +If a lady enters the room where you are making a call, rise, and remain +standing until she is seated. Even if she is a perfect stranger, offer +her a chair, if there is none near her. + +You must rise if a lady leaves the room, and remain standing until she +has passed out. + +If you are engaged in any profession which you follow at home, and +receive a caller, you may, during the daytime, invite him into your +library, study, or the room in which you work, and, unless you use your +pen, you may work while he is with you. + +When you receive a visitor, meet him at the door, offer a chair, take +his hat and cane, and, while speaking of the pleasure the call affords +you, show, by your manner, that you are sincere, and desire a long call. + +Do not let your host come with you any farther than the room door if he +has other visitors; but if you are showing out a friend, and leave no +others in the parlor, you should come to the street door. + +A few hints from an English author, will not be amiss in this place. He +says:-- + +"Visits of condolence and congratulation must be made about a week after +the event. If you are intimate with the person on whom you call, you may +ask, in the first case, for admission; if not, it is better only to +leave a card, and make your 'kind inquiries' of the servant, who is +generally primed in what manner to answer them. In visits of +congratulation you should always go in, and be hearty in your +congratulations. Visits of condolence are terrible inflictions to both +receiver and giver, but they may be made less so by avoiding, as much as +consistent with sympathy, any allusion to the past. The receiver does +well to abstain from tears. A lady of my acquaintance, who had lost her +husband, was receiving such a visit in her best crape. She wept +profusely for some time upon the best of broad-hemmed cambric +handkerchiefs, and then turning to her visitor, said: 'I am sure you +will be glad to hear that Mr. B. has left me most comfortably provided +for.' _Hinc illae lacrymae._ Perhaps they would have been more sincere if +he had left her without a penny. At the same time, if you have not +sympathy and heart enough to pump up a little condolence, you will do +better to avoid it, but take care that your conversation is not too gay. +Whatever you may feel, you must respect the sorrows of others. + +"On marriage, cards are sent round to such people as you wish to keep +among your acquaintance, and it is then their part to call first on the +young couple, when within distance. + +"Having entered the house, you take up with you to the drawing-room both +hat and cane, but leave an umbrella in the hall. In France it is usual +to leave a great-coat down stairs also, but as calls are made in this +country in morning dress, it is not necessary to do so. + +"It is not usual to introduce people at morning calls in large towns; in +the country it is sometimes done, not always. The law of introductions +is, in fact, to force no one into an acquaintance. You should, +therefore, ascertain beforehand whether it is agreeable to both to be +introduced; but if a lady or a superior expresses a wish to know a +gentleman or an inferior, the latter two have no right to decline the +honor. The introduction is of an inferior [which position a gentleman +always holds to a lady] to the superior. You introduce Mr. Smith to Mrs. +Jones, or Mr. A. to Lord B., not _vice versa_. In introducing two +persons, it is not necessary to lead one of them up by the hand, but it +is sufficient simply to precede them. Having thus brought the person to +be introduced up to the one to whom he is to be presented, it is the +custom, even when the consent has been previously obtained, to say, with +a slight bow, to the superior personage: 'Will you allow me to introduce +Mr. ----?' The person addressed replies by bowing to the one introduced, +who also bows at the same time, while the introducer repeats their +names, and then retires, leaving them to converse. Thus, for instance, +in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. Smith, you will say, 'Mrs. Smith, allow +me to introduce Mr. Jones,' and while they are engaged in bowing you +will murmur, 'Mrs. Smith--Mr. Jones,' and escape. If you have to present +three or four people to said Mrs. Smith, it will suffice to utter their +respective names without repeating that of the lady. + +"A well-bred person always receives visitors at whatever time they may +call, or whoever they may be; but if you are occupied and cannot afford +to be interrupted by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the servant +_beforehand_ to say that you are 'not at home.' This form has often been +denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no lie unless intended to +deceive; and since the words are universally understood to mean that you +are engaged, it can be no harm to give such an order to a servant. But, +on the other hand, if the servant once admits a visitor within the hall, +you should receive him at any inconvenience to yourself." + +He also gives some admirable hints upon visits made to friends in +another city or the country. + +He says:-- + +"A few words on visits to country houses before I quit this subject. +Since a man's house is his castle, no one, not even a near relation, has +a right to invite himself to stay in it. It is not only taking a liberty +to do so, but may prove to be very inconvenient. A general invitation, +too, should never be acted on. It is often given without any intention +of following it up; but, if given, should be turned into a special one +sooner or later. An invitation should specify the persons whom it +includes, and the person invited should never presume to take with him +any one not specified. If a gentleman cannot dispense with his valet, he +should write to ask leave to bring a servant; but the means of your +inviter, and the size of the house, should be taken into consideration, +and it is better taste to dispense with a servant altogether. Children +and horses are still more troublesome, and should never be taken without +special mention made of them. It is equally bad taste to arrive with a +wagonful of luggage, as that is naturally taken as a hint that you +intend to stay a long time. The length of a country visit is indeed a +difficult matter to decide, but in the present day people who receive +much generally specify the length in their invitation--a plan which +saves a great deal of trouble and doubt. But a custom not so commendable +has lately come in of limiting the visits of acquaintance to two or +three days. This may be pardonable where the guest lives at no great +distance, but it is preposterous to expect a person to travel a long +distance for a stay of three nights. If, however, the length be not +specified, and cannot easily be discovered, a week is the limit for a +country visit, except at the house of a near relation or very old +friend. It will, however, save trouble to yourself, if, soon after your +arrival, you state that you are come "for a few days," and, if your host +wishes you to make a longer visit, he will at once press you to do so. + +"The main point in a country visit is to give as little trouble as +possible, to conform to the habits of your entertainers, and never to be +in the way. On this principle you will retire to your own occupations +soon after breakfast, unless some arrangement has been made for passing +the morning otherwise. If you have nothing to do, you may be sure that +your host has something to attend to in the morning. Another point of +good-breeding is to be punctual at meals, for a host and hostess never +sit down without their guest, and dinner may be getting cold. If, +however, a guest should fail in this particular, a well-bred entertainer +will not only take no notice of it, but attempt to set the late comer as +much at his ease as possible. A host should provide amusement for his +guests, and give up his time as much as possible to them; but if he +should be a professional man or student--an author, for instance--the +guest should, at the commencement of the visit, insist that he will not +allow him to interrupt his occupations, and the latter will set his +visitor more at his ease by accepting this arrangement. In fact, the +rule on which a host should act is to make his visitors as much at home +as possible; that on which a visitor should act, is to interfere as +little as possible with the domestic routine of the house. + +"The worst part of a country visit is the necessity of giving gratuities +to the servants, for a poor man may often find his visit cost him far +more than if he had stayed at home. It is a custom which ought to be put +down, because a host who receives much should pay his own servants for +the extra trouble given. Some people have made by-laws against it in +their houses, but, like those about gratuities to railway-porters, they +are seldom regarded. In a great house a man-servant expects gold, but a +poor man should not be ashamed of offering him silver. It must depend on +the length of the visit. The ladies give to the female, the gentlemen to +the male servants. Would that I might see my friends without paying them +for their hospitality in this indirect manner!" + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +ETIQUETTE FOR THE BALL ROOM. + + +Of all the amusements open for young people, none is more delightful and +more popular than dancing. Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, +says: "Dancing is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing; but it is +one of those established follies to which people of sense are sometimes +obliged to conform; and then they should be able to do it well. And, +though I would not have you a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would +have you dance well, as I would have you do everything you do well." In +another letter, he writes: "Do you mind your dancing while your dancing +master is with you? As you will be often under the necessity of dancing +a minuet, I would have you dance it very well. Remember that the +graceful motion of the arms, the giving of your hand, and the putting +off and putting on of your hat genteelly, are the material parts of a +gentleman's dancing. But the greatest advantage of dancing well is, that +it necessarily teaches you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk +genteelly; all of which are of real importance to a man of fashion." + +Although the days are over when gentlemen carried their hats into ball +rooms and danced minuets, there are useful hints in the quotations +given above. Nothing will give ease of manner and a graceful carriage to +a gentleman more surely than the knowledge of dancing. He will, in its +practice, acquire easy motion, a light step, and learn to use both hands +and feet well. What can be more awkward than a man who continually finds +his hands and feet in his way, and, by his fussy movements, betrays his +trouble? A good dancer never feels this embarrassment, consequently he +never appears aware of the existence of his feet, and carries his hands +and arms gracefully. Some people being bashful and afraid of attracting +attention in a ball room or evening party, do not take lessons in +dancing, overlooking the fact that it is those who do _not_ partake of +the amusement on such occasions, not those who do, that attract +attention. To all such gentlemen I would say; Learn to dance. You will +find it one of the very best plans for correcting bashfulness. Unless +you possess the accomplishments that are common in polite society, you +can neither give nor receive all the benefits that can be derived from +social intercourse. + +When you receive an invitation to a ball, answer it immediately. + +If you go alone, go from the dressing-room to the ball room, find your +host and hostess, and speak first to them; if there are several ladies +in the house, take the earliest opportunity of paying your respects to +each of them, and invite one of them to dance with you the first dance. +If she is already engaged, you should endeavor to engage her for a dance +later in the evening, and are then at liberty to seek a partner amongst +the guests. + +When you have engaged a partner for a dance, you should go to her a few +moments before the set for which you have engaged her will be formed, +that you may not be hurried in taking your places upon the floor. +Enquire whether she prefers the head or side place in the set, and take +the position she names. + +In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, "Will you _honor_ me +with your hand for a quadrille?" or, "Shall I have the _honor_ of +dancing this set with you?" are more used now than "Shall I have the +_pleasure_?" or, "Will you give me the _pleasure_ of dancing with you?" + +Offer a lady your arm to lead her to the quadrille, and in the pauses +between the figures endeavor to make the duty of standing still less +tiresome by pleasant conversation. Let the subjects be light, as you +will be constantly interrupted by the figures in the dance. There is no +occasion upon which a pleasant flow of small talk is more _apropos_, and +agreeable than in a ball room. + +When the dance is over, offer your arm to your partner, and enquire +whether she prefers to go immediately to her seat, or wishes to +promenade. If she chooses the former, conduct her to her seat, stand +near her a few moments, chatting, then bow, and give other gentlemen an +opportunity of addressing her. If she prefers to promenade, walk with +her until she expresses a wish to sit down. Enquire, before you leave +her, whether you can be of any service, and, if the supper-room is open, +invite her to go in there with you. + +You will pay a delicate compliment and one that will certainly be +appreciated, if, when a lady declines your invitation to dance on the +plea of fatigue or fear of fatigue, you do not seek another partner, +but remain with the lady you have just invited, and thus imply that the +pleasure of talking with, and being near, her, is greater than that of +dancing with another. + +Let your hostess understand that you are at her service for the evening, +that she may have a prospect of giving her wall flowers a partner, and, +however unattractive these may prove, endeavor to make yourself as +agreeable to them as possible. + +Your conduct will differ if you escort a lady to a ball. Then your +principal attentions must be paid to her. You must call for her +punctually at the hour she has appointed, and it is your duty to provide +the carriage. You may carry her a bouquet if you will, this is optional. +A more elegant way of presenting it is to send it in the afternoon with +your card, as, if you wait until evening, she may think you do not mean +to present one, and provide one for herself. + +When you arrive at your destination, leave the carriage, and assist her +in alighting; then escort her to the lady's dressing-room, leave her at +the door, and go to the gentlemen's dressing-room. As soon as you have +arranged your own dress, go again to the door of the lady's room, and +wait until your companion comes out. Give her your left arm and escort +her to the ball room; find the hostess and lead your companion to her. +When they have exchanged greetings, lead your lady to a seat, and then +engage her for the first dance. Tell her that while you will not deprive +others of the pleasure of dancing with her, you are desirous of dancing +with her whenever she is not more pleasantly engaged, and before +seeking a partner for any other set, see whether your lady is engaged or +is ready to dance again with you. You must watch during the evening, +and, while you do not force your attentions upon her, or prevent others +from paying her attention, you must never allow her to be alone, but +join her whenever others are not speaking to her. You must take her in +to supper, and be ready to leave the party, whenever she wishes to do +so. + +If the ball is given in your own house, or at that of a near relative, +it becomes your duty to see that every lady, young or old, handsome or +ugly, is provided with a partner, though the oldest and ugliest may fall +to your own share. + +Never stand up to dance unless you are perfect master of the step, +figure, and time of that dance. If you make a mistake you not only +render yourself ridiculous, but you annoy your partner and the others in +the set. + +If you have come alone to a ball, do not devote yourself entirely to any +one lady. Divide your attentions amongst several, and never dance twice +in succession with the same partner. + +To affect an air of secrecy or mystery when conversing in a ball-room is +a piece of impertinence for which no lady of delicacy will thank you. + +When you conduct your partner to her seat, thank her for the pleasure +she has conferred upon you, and do not remain too long conversing with +her. + +Give your partner your whole attention when dancing with her. To let +your eyes wander round the room, or to make remarks betraying your +interest in others, is not flattering, as she will not be unobservant +of your want of taste. + +Be very careful not to forget an engagement. It is an unpardonable +breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance with you, and neglect to +remind her of her promise when the time to redeem it comes. + +A dress coat, dress boots, full suit of black, and white or very light +kid gloves must be worn in a ball room. A white waistcoat and cravat are +sometimes worn, but this is a matter of taste. + +Never wait until the music commences before inviting a lady to dance +with you. + +If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is seated near her to +dance the same set. Do not go immediately to another lady, but chat a +few moments with the one whom you first invited, and then join a group +or gentlemen friends for a few moments, before seeking another partner. + +Never dance without gloves. This is an imperative rule. It is best to +carry two pair, as in the contact with dark dresses, or in handing +refreshments, you may soil the pair you wear on entering the room, and +will thus be under the necessity of offering your hand covered by a +soiled glove, to some fair partner. You can slip unperceived from the +room, change the soiled for a fresh pair, and then avoid that +mortification. + +If your partner has a bouquet, handkerchief, or fan in her hand, do not +offer to carry them for her. If she finds they embarrass her, she will +request you to hold them for her, but etiquette requires you not to +notice them, unless she speaks of them first. + +Do not be the last to leave the ball room. It is more elegant to leave +early, as staying too late gives others the impression that you do not +often have an invitation to a ball, and must "make the most of it." + +Some gentlemen linger at a private ball until all the ladies have left, +and then congregate in the supper-room, where they remain for hours, +totally regardless of the fact that they are keeping the wearied host +and his servants from their rest. Never, as you value your reputation as +a gentleman of refinement, be among the number of these "hangers on." + +The author of a recent work on etiquette, published in England, gives +the following hints for those who go to balls. He says:-- + +"When inviting a lady to dance, if she replies very politely, asking to +be excused, as she does not wish to dance ('with you,' being probably +her mental reservation), a man ought to be satisfied. At all events, he +should never press her to dance after one refusal. The set forms which +Turveydrop would give for the invitation are too much of the deportment +school to be used in practice. If you know a young lady slightly, it is +sufficient to say to her, 'May I have the pleasure of dancing this +waltz, &c., with you?' or if intimately, 'Will you dance, Miss A--?' The +young lady who has refused one gentleman, has no right to accept another +for that dance; and young ladies who do not wish to be annoyed, must +take care not to accept two gentlemen for the same dance. In Germany +such innocent blunders often cause fatal results. Two partners arrive at +the same moment to claim the fair one's hand; she vows she has not made +a mistake; 'was sure she was engaged to Herr A--, and not to Herr B--;' +Herr B-- is equally certain that she was engaged to him. The awkwardness +is, that if he at once gives her up, he appears to be indifferent about +it; while, if he presses his suit, he must quarrel with Herr A--, unless +the damsel is clever enough to satisfy both of them; and particularly if +there is an especial interest in Herr B--, he yields at last, but when +the dance is over, sends a friend to Herr A--. Absurd as all this is, it +is common, and I have often seen one Herr or the other walking about +with a huge gash on his cheek, or his arm in a sling, a few days after a +ball. + +"Friendship, it appears, can be let out on hire. The lady who was so +very amiable to you last night, has a right to ignore your existence +to-day. In fact, a ball room acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until +you have met at more balls than one. In the same way a man cannot, after +being introduced to a young lady to dance with, ask her to do so more +than twice in the same evening. A man may dance four or even five times +with the same partner. On the other hand, a real well-bred man will wish +to be useful, and there are certain people whom it is imperative on him +to ask to dance--the daughters of the house, for instance, and any young +ladies whom he may know intimately; but most of all the well-bred and +amiable man will sacrifice himself to those plain, ill-dressed, dull +looking beings who cling to the wall, unsought and despairing. After +all, he will not regret his good nature. The spirits reviving at the +unexpected invitation, the wall-flower will pour out her best +conversation, will dance her best, and will show him her gratitude in +some way or other. + +"The formal bow at the end of a quadrille has gradually dwindled away. +At the end of every dance you offer your right arm to your partner, (if +by mistake you offer the left, you may turn the blunder into a pretty +compliment, by reminding her that is _le bras du coeur_, nearest the +heart, which if not anatomically true, is, at least, no worse than +talking of a sunset and sunrise), and walk half round the room with her. +You then ask her if she will take any refreshment, and, if she accepts, +you convey your precious allotment of tarlatane to the refreshment room +to be invigorated by an ice or negus, or what you will. It is judicious +not to linger too long in this room, if you are engaged to some one else +for the next dance. You will have the pleasure of hearing the music +begin in the distant ball room, and of reflecting that an expectant fair +is sighing for you like Marianna-- + + "He cometh not," she said. + She said, "I am a-weary a-weary, + I would I were in bed;" + +which is not an unfrequent wish in some ball rooms. A well-bred girl, +too, will remember this, and always offer to return to the ball room, +however interesting the conversation. + +"If you are prudent you will not dance every dance, nor in fact, much +more than half the number on the list; you will then escape that hateful +redness of face at the time, and that wearing fatigue the next day which +are among the worst features of a ball. Again, a gentleman must +remember that a ball is essentially a lady's party, and in their +presence he should be gentle and delicate almost to a fault, never +pushing his way, apologizing if he tread on a dress, still more so if he +tears it, begging pardon for any accidental annoyance he may occasion, +and addressing every body with a smile. But quite unpardonable are those +men whom one sometimes meets, who, standing in a door-way, talk and +laugh as they would in a barrack or college-rooms, always coarsely, +often indelicately. What must the state of their minds be, if the sight +of beauty, modesty, and virtue, does not awe them into silence! A man, +too, who strolls down the room with his head in the air, looking as if +there were not a creature there worth dancing with, is an ill-bred man, +so is he who looks bored; and worse than all is he who takes too much +champagne. + +"If you are dancing with a young lady when the supper-room is opened, +you must ask her if she would like to go to supper, and if she says +'yes,' which, in 999 cases out of 1000, she certainly will do, you must +take her thither. If you are not dancing, the lady of the house will +probably recruit you to take in some chaperon. However little you may +relish this, you must not show your disgust. In fact, no man ought to be +disgusted at being able to do anything for a lady; it should be his +highest privilege, but it is not--in these modern unchivalrous +days--perhaps never was so. Having placed your partner then at the +supper-table, if there is room there, but if not at a side-table, or +even at none, you must be as active as Puck in attending to her wants, +and as women take as long to settle their fancies in edibles as in +love-matters, you had better at once get her something substantial, +chicken, _pate de foie gras_, _mayonnaise_, or what you will. Afterwards +come jelly and trifle in due course. + +"A young lady often goes down half-a-dozen times to the supper-room--it +is to be hoped not for the purpose of eating--but she should not do so +with the same partner more than once. While the lady is supping you must +stand by and talk to her, attending to every want, and the most you may +take yourself is a glass of champagne when you help her. You then lead +her up stairs again, and if you are not wanted there any more, you may +steal down and do a little quiet refreshment on your own account. As +long, however, as there are many ladies still at the table, you have no +right to begin. Nothing marks a man here so much as gorging at supper. +Balls are meant for dancing, not eating, and unfortunately too many +young men forget this in the present day. Lastly, be careful what you +say and how you dance after supper, even more so than before it, for if +you in the slightest way displease a young lady, she may fancy that you +have been too partial to strong fluids, and ladies never forgive that. +It would be hard on the lady of the house if every body leaving a large +ball thought it necessary to wish her good night. In quitting a small +dance, however, a parting bow is expected. It is then that the pretty +daughter of the house gives you that sweet smile of which you dream +afterwards in a gooseberry nightmare of 'tum-tum-tiddy-tum,' and waltzes +_a deux temps_, and masses of tarlatane and bright eyes, flushed cheeks +and dewy glances. See them to-morrow, my dear fellow, it will cure you. + +"I think flirtation comes under the head of morals more than of manners; +still I may be allowed to say that ball room flirtation being more open +is less dangerous than any other. A prudent man will never presume on a +girl's liveliness or banter. No man of taste ever made an offer after +supper, and certainly nine-tenths of those who have done so have +regretted it at breakfast the next morning. + +"At public balls there are generally either three or four stewards on +duty, or a professional master of ceremonies. These gentlemen having +made all the arrangements, order the dances, and have power to change +them if desirable. They also undertake to present young men to ladies, +but it must be understood that such an introduction is only available +for _one_ dance. It is better taste to ask the steward to introduce you +simply to a partner, than to point out any lady in particular. He will +probably then ask you if you have a choice, and if not, you may be +certain he will take you to an established wall-flower. Public balls are +scarcely enjoyable unless you have your own party. + +"As the great charm of a ball is its perfect accord and harmony, all +altercations, loud talking, &c., are doubly ill-mannered in a ball room. +Very little suffices to disturb the peace of the whole company." + +The same author gives some hints upon dancing which are so excellent +that I need make no apology for quoting them. He says:-- + +"'Thank you--aw--I do not dance,' is now a very common reply from a +well-dressed, handsome man, who is leaning against the side of the door, +to the anxious, heated hostess, who feels it incumbent on her to find a +partner for poor Miss Wallflower. I say the reply is not only common, +but even regarded as rather a fine one to make. In short, men of the +present day don't, won't, or can't dance; and you can't make them do it, +except by threatening to give them no supper. I really cannot discover +the reason for this aversion to an innocent amusement, for the apparent +purpose of enjoying which they have spent an hour and a half on their +toilet. There is something, indeed, in the heat of a ball room, there is +a great deal in the ridiculous smallness of the closets into which the +ball-giver crowds two hundred people, with a cruel indifference only +equalled by that of the black-hole of Calcutta, expecting them to enjoy +themselves, when the ladies' dresses are crushed and torn, and the +gentlemen, under the despotism of theirs, are melting away almost as +rapidly as the ices with which an occasional waiter has the +heartlessness to insult them. Then, again, it is a great nuisance to be +introduced to a succession of plain, uninteresting young women, of whose +tastes, modes of life, &c., you have not the slightest conception: who +may look gay, yet have never a thought beyond the curate and the parish, +or appear to be serious, while they understand nothing but the opera and +So-and-so's ball--in fact, to be in perpetual risk of either shocking +their prejudices, or plaguing them with subjects in which they can have +no possible interest; to take your chance whether they can dance at all, +and to know that when you have lighted on a real charmer, perhaps the +beauty of the room, she is only lent to you for that dance, and, when +that is over, and you have salaamed away again, you and she must remain +to one another as if you had never met; to feel, in short, that you must +destroy either your present comfort or future happiness, is certainly +sufficiently trying to keep a man close to the side-posts of the +doorway. But these are reasons which might keep him altogether from a +ball room, and, if he has these and other objections to dancing, he +certainly cannot be justified in coming to a place set apart for that +sole purpose. + +"But I suspect that there are other reasons, and that, in most cases, +the individual can dance and does dance at times, but has now a vulgar +desire to be distinguished from the rest of his sex present, and to +appear indifferent to the pleasures of the evening. If this be his +laudable desire, however he might, at least, be consistent, and continue +to cling to his door-post, like St. Sebastian to his tree, and reply +throughout the evening, 'Thank you, I don't take refreshments;' 'Thank +you, I can't eat supper;' 'Thank you, I don't talk;' 'Thank you, I don't +drink champagne,'--for if a ball room be purgatory, what a demoniacal +conflict does a supper-room present; if young ladies be bad for the +heart, champagne is worse for the head. + +"No, it is the will, not the power to dance which is wanting, and to +refuse to do so, unless for a really good reason, is not the part of a +well-bred man. To mar the pleasure of others is obviously bad manners, +and, though at the door-post, you may not be in the way, you may be +certain that there are some young ladies longing to dance, and +expecting to be asked, and that the hostess is vexed and annoyed by +seeing them fixed, like pictures, to the wall. It is therefore the duty +of every man who has no scruples about dancing, and purposes to appear +at balls, to learn how to dance. + +"In the present day the art is much simplified, and if you can walk +through a quadrille, and perform a polka, waltz, or galop, you may often +dance a whole evening through. Of course, if you can add to these the +Lancers, Schottische, and Polka-Mazurka, you will have more variety, and +can be more generally agreeable. But if your master or mistress [a man +learns better from the former] has stuffed into your head some of the +three hundred dances which he tells you exist, the best thing you can do +is to forget them again. Whether right or wrong, the number of usual +dances is limited, and unusual ones should be very sparingly introduced +into a ball, for as few people know them, their dancing, on the one +hand, becomes a mere display, and, on the other, interrupts the +enjoyment of the majority. + +"The quadrille is pronounced to be essentially a conversational dance, +but, inasmuch as the figures are perpetually calling you away from your +partner, the first necessity for dancing a quadrille is to be supplied +with a fund of small talk, in which you can go from subject to subject +like a bee from flower to flower. The next point is to carry yourself +uprightly. Time was when--as in the days of the _minuet de la cour_--the +carriage constituted the dance. This is still the case with the +quadrille, in which, even if ignorant of the figures, you may acquit +yourself well by a calm, graceful carriage. After all, the most +important figure is the _smile_, and the feet may be left to their fate, +if we know what to do with our hands; of which I may observe that they +should never be pocketed. + +"The smile is essential. A dance is supposed to amuse, and nothing is +more out of place in it than a gloomy scowl, unless it be an +ill-tempered frown. The gaiety of a dance is more essential than the +accuracy of its figures, and if you feel none yourself, you may, at +least, look pleased by that of those around you. A defiant manner is +equally obnoxious. An acquaintance of mine always gives me the +impression, when he advances in _l'ete_, that he is about to box the +lady who comes to meet him. But the most objectionable of all is the +supercilious manner. Dear me, if you really think you do your partner an +honor in dancing with her, you should, at least, remember that your +condescension is annulled by the manner in which you treat her. + +"A lady--beautiful word!--is a delicate creature, one who should be +reverenced and delicately treated. It is, therefore, unpardonable to +rush about in a quadrille, to catch hold of a lady's hand as if it were +a door-handle, or to drag her furiously across the room, as if you were +Bluebeard and she Fatima, with the mysterious closet opposite to you. +This _brusque_ violent style of dancing is, unfortunately, common, but +immediately stamps a man. Though I would not have you wear a perpetual +simper, you should certainly smile when you take a lady's hand, and the +old custom of bowing in doing so, is one that we may regret; for, does +she not confer an honor on us by the action? To squeeze it, on the +other hand, is a gross familiarity, for which you would deserve to be +kicked out of the room. + +"'Steps,' as the _chasser_ of the quadrille is called, belong to a past +age, and even ladies are now content to walk through a quadrille. It is, +however, necessary to keep time with the music, the great object being +the general harmony. To preserve this, it is also advisable, where the +quadrille, as is now generally the case, is danced by two long lines of +couples down the room, that in _l'ete_, and other figures, in which a +gentleman and lady advance alone to meet one another, none but gentlemen +should advance from the one side, and, therefore, none but ladies from +the other. + +"Dancing masters find it convenient to introduce new figures, and the +fashion of _La Trenise_ and the _Grande Ronde_ is repeatedly changing. +It is wise to know the last mode, but not to insist on dancing it. A +quadrille cannot go on evenly if any confusion arises from the +ignorance, obstinacy, or inattention of any one of the dancers. It is +therefore useful to know every way in which a figure may be danced, and +to take your cue from the others. It is amusing, however, to find how +even such a trifle as a choice of figures in a quadrille can help to +mark caste, and give a handle for supercilious sneers. Jones, the other +day, was protesting that the Browns were 'vulgar.' 'Why so? they are +well-bred.' 'Yes, so they are.' 'They are well-informed.' 'Certainly.' +'They are polite, speak good English, dress quietly and well, are +graceful and even elegant.' 'I grant you all that.' 'Then what fault can +you find with them?' 'My dear fellow, they are people who gallop round +in the last figure of a quadrille,' he replied, triumphantly. But to a +certain extent Jones is right. Where a choice is given, the man of taste +will always select for a quadrille (as it is a conversational dance) the +quieter mode of performing a figure, and so the Browns, if perfect in +other respects, at least were wanting in taste. There is one alteration +lately introduced from France, which I sincerely trust, will be +universally accepted. The farce of that degrading little performance +called 'setting'--where you dance before your partner somewhat like Man +Friday before Robinson Crusoe, and then as if your feelings were +overcome, seize her hands and whirl her round--has been finally +abolished by a decree of Fashion, and thus more opportunity is given for +conversation, and in a crowded room you have no occasion to crush +yourself and partner between the couples on each side of you. + +"I do not attempt to deny that the quadrille, as now walked, is +ridiculous; the figures, which might be graceful, if performed in a +lively manner, have entirely lost their spirit, and are become a +burlesque of dancing; but, at the same time, it is a most valuable +dance. Old and young, stout and thin, good dancers and bad, lazy and +active, stupid and clever, married and single, can all join in it, and +have not only an excuse and opportunity for _tete-a-tete_ conversation, +which is decidedly the easiest, but find encouragement in the music, and +in some cases convenient breaks in the necessity of dancing. A person of +few ideas has time to collect them while the partner is performing, and +one of many can bring them out with double effect. Lastly, if you wish +to be polite or friendly to an acquaintance who dances atrociously, you +can select a quadrille for him or her, as the case may be. + +"Very different in object and principle are the so-called round dances, +and there are great limitations as to those who should join in them. +Here the intention is to enjoy a peculiar physical movement under +peculiar conditions, and the conversation during the intervals of rest +is only a secondary object. These dances demand activity and lightness, +and should therefore be, as a rule, confined to the young. An old man +sacrifices all his dignity in a polka, and an old woman is ridiculous in +a waltz. Corpulency, too, is generally a great impediment, though some +stout people prove to be the lightest dancers. + +"The morality of round dances scarcely comes within my province. They +certainly can be made very indelicate; so can any dance, and the French +_cancan_ proves that the quadrille is no safer in this respect than the +waltz. But it is a gross insult to our daughters and sisters to suppose +them capable of any but the most innocent and purest enjoyment in the +dance, while of our young men I will say, that to the pure all things +are pure. Those who see harm in it, are those in whose mind evil +thoughts must have arisen. _Honi soit qui mal y pense._ Those who rail +against dancing are perhaps not aware that they do but follow in the +steps of the Romish Church. In many parts of the Continent, bishops who +have never danced in their lives, and perhaps never seen a dance, have +laid a ban of excommunication on waltzing. A story was told to me in +Normandy of the worthy Bishop of Bayeux, one of this number. A priest +of his diocese petitioned him to put down round dances. 'I know nothing +about them,' replied the prelate, 'I have never seen a waltz.' Upon this +the younger ecclesiastic attempted to explain what it was and wherein +the danger lay, but the bishop could not see it. 'Will Monseigneur +permit me to show him?' asked the priest. 'Certainly. My chaplain here +appears to understand the subject; let me see you two waltz.' How the +reverend gentlemen came to know so much about it does not appear, but +they certainly danced a polka, a gallop, and a _trois-temps_ waltz. 'All +these seem harmless enough.' 'Oh! but Monseigneur has not seen the +worst;' and thereupon the two gentlemen proceeded to flounder through a +_valse a deux-temps_. They must have murdered it terribly, for they were +not half round the room when his Lordship cried out, 'Enough, enough, +that is atrocious, and deserves excommunication.' Accordingly this waltz +was forbid, while the other dances were allowed. I was at a public ball +at Caen soon after this occurrence, and was amused to find the +_trois-temps_ danced with a peculiar shuffle, by way of compromise +between conscience and pleasure. + +"There are people in this country whose logic is as good as that of the +Bishop of Bayeux, but I confess my inability to understand it. If there +is impropriety in round dances, there is the same in all. But to the +waltz, which poets have praised and preachers denounced. The French, +with all their love of danger, waltz atrociously, the English but little +better; the Germans and Russians alone understand it. I could rave +through three pages about the innocent enjoyment of a good waltz, its +grace and beauty, but I will be practical instead, and give you a few +hints on the subject. + +"The position is the most important point. The lady and gentleman before +starting should stand exactly opposite to one another, quite upright, +and not, as is so common, painfully close to one another. If the man's +hand be placed where it should be, at the centre of the lady's waist, +and not all round it, he will have as firm a hold and not be obliged to +stoop, or bend to his right. The lady's head should then be turned a +little towards her left shoulder, and her partner's somewhat less +towards his right, in order to preserve the proper balance. Nothing can +be more atrocious than to see a lady lay her head on her partner's +shoulder; but, on the other hand, she will not dance well, if she turns +it in the opposite direction. The lady again should throw her head and +shoulders a little back, and the man lean a very little forward. + +"The position having been gained, the step is the next question. In +Germany the rapidity of the waltz is very great, but it is rendered +elegant by slackening the pace every now and then, and thus giving a +_crescendo_ and _decrescendo_ time to the movement. The Russian men +undertake to perform in waltzing the same feat as the Austrians in +riding, and will dance round the room with a glass of champagne in the +left hand without spilling a drop. This evenness in waltzing is +certainly very graceful, but can only be attained by a long sliding +step, which is little practised where the rooms are small, and people, +not understanding the real pleasure of dancing well, insist on dancing +all at the same time. In Germany they are so alive to the necessity of +ample space, that in large balls a rope is drawn across the room; its +two ends are held by the masters of the ceremonies _pro-tem._, and as +one couple stops and retires, another is allowed to pass under the rope +and take its place. But then in Germany they dance for the dancing's +sake. However this may be, an even motion is very desirable, and all the +abominations which militate against it, such as hop-waltzes, the +Schottische, and ridiculous _Varsovienne_, are justly put down in good +society. The pace, again, should not be sufficiently rapid to endanger +other couples. It is the gentleman's duty to _steer_, and in crowded +rooms nothing is more trying. He must keep his eyes open and turn them +in every direction, if he would not risk a collision, and the chance of +a fall, or what is as bad, the infliction of a wound on his partner's +arm. I have seen a lady's arm cut open in such a collision by the +bracelet of that of another lady; and the sight is by no means a +pleasant one in a ball room, to say nothing of a new dress covered in a +moment with blood. + +"The consequences of violent dancing may be really serious. Not only do +delicate girls bring on, thereby, a violent palpitation of the heart, +and their partners appear in a most disagreeable condition of solution, +but dangerous falls ensue from it. I have known instances of a lady's +head being laid open, and a gentleman's foot being broken in such a +fall, resulting, poor fellow! in lameness for life. + +"It is, perhaps, useless to recommend flat-foot waltzing in this +country, where ladies allow themselves to be almost hugged by their +partners, and where men think it necessary to lift a lady almost off the +ground, but I am persuaded that if it were introduced, the outcry +against the impropriety of waltzing would soon cease. Nothing can be +more delicate than the way in which a German holds his partner. It is +impossible to dance on the flat foot unless the lady and gentleman are +quite free of one another. His hand, therefore, goes no further round +her waist than to the hooks and eyes of her dress, hers, no higher than +to his elbow. Thus danced, the waltz is smooth, graceful, and delicate, +and we could never in Germany complain of our daughter's languishing on +a young man's shoulder. On the other hand, nothing is more graceless and +absurd than to see a man waltzing on the tips of his toes, lifting his +partner off the ground, or twirling round and round with her like the +figures on a street organ. The test of waltzing in time is to be able to +stamp the time with the left foot. A good flat-foot waltzer can dance on +one foot as well as on two, but I would not advise him to try it in +public, lest, like Mr. Rarey's horse on three legs, he should come to +the ground in a luckless moment. The legs should be very little bent in +dancing, the body still less so. I do not know whether it be worse to +see a man _sit down_ in a waltz, or to find him with his head poked +forward over your young wife's shoulder, hot, red, wild, and in far too +close proximity to the partner of your bosom, whom he makes literally +the partner of his own. + +"The 'Lancers' are a revival, after many long years, and, perhaps, we +may soon have a drawing-room adaptation of the Morris-dance. + +"The only advice, therefore, which it is necessary to give to those who +wish to dance the polka may be summed up in one word, 'don't.' Not so +with the galop. The remarks as to the position in waltzing apply to all +round dances, and there is, therefore, little to add with regard to the +galop, except that it is a great mistake to suppose it to be a rapid +dance. It should be danced as slowly as possible. It will then be more +graceful and less fatiguing. It is danced quite slowly in Germany and on +the flat foot. The polka-mazurka is still much danced, and is certainly +very graceful. The remarks on the quadrille apply equally to the +lancers, which are great favorites, and threaten to take the place of +the former. The schottische, hop-waltz, redowa, varsovienne, cellarius, +and so forth, have had their day, and are no longer danced in good +society. + +"The calm ease which marks the man of good taste, makes even the +swiftest dances graceful and agreeable. Vehemence may be excused at an +election, but not in a ball room. I once asked a beautiful and very +clever young lady how she, who seemed to pass her life with books, +managed to dance so well. 'I enjoy it,' she replied; 'and when I dance I +give my _whole mind_ to it.' And she was quite right. Whatever is worth +doing at all, is worth doing well; and if it is not beneath your dignity +to dance, it is not unworthy of your mind to give itself, for the time, +wholly up to it. You will never enjoy dancing till you do it well; and, +if you do not enjoy it, it is folly to dance. But, in reality, dancing, +if it be a mere trifle, is one to which great minds have not been +ashamed to stoop. Locke, for instance, has written on its utility, and +speaks of it as manly, which was certainly not Michal's opinion, when +she looked out of the window and saw her lord and master dancing and +playing. Plato recommended it, and Socrates learned the Athenian polka +of the day when quite an old gentleman, and liked it very much. Some one +has even gone the length of calling it 'the logic of the body;' and +Addison defends himself for making it the subject of a disquisition." + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +DRESS. + + +Between the sloven and the coxcomb there is generally a competition +which shall be the more contemptible: the one in the total neglect of +every thing which might make his appearance in public supportable, and +the other in the cultivation of every superfluous ornament. The former +offends by his negligence and dirt, and the latter by his finery and +perfumery. Each entertains a supreme contempt for the other, and while +both are right in their opinion, both are wrong in their practice. It is +not in either extreme that the man of real elegance and refinement will +be shown, but in the happy medium which allows taste and judgment to +preside over the wardrobe and toilet-table, while it prevents too great +an attention to either, and never allows personal appearance to become +the leading object of life. + +The French have a proverb, "It is not the cowl which makes the monk," +and it might be said with equal truth, "It is not the dress which makes +the gentleman," yet, as the monk is known abroad by his cowl, so the +true gentleman will let the refinement of his mind and education be seen +in his dress. + +The first rule for the guidance of a man, in matters of dress, should +be, "Let the dress suit the occasion." It is as absurd for a man to go +into the street in the morning with his dress-coat, white kid gloves, +and dancing-boots, as it would be for a lady to promenade the +fashionable streets, in full evening dress, or for the same man to +present himself in the ball-room with heavy walking-boots, a great coat, +and riding-cap. + +It is true that there is little opportunity for a gentleman to exercise +his taste for coloring, in the black and white dress which fashion so +imperatively declares to be the proper dress for a _dress_ occasion. He +may indulge in light clothes in the street during the warm months of the +year, but for the ball or evening party, black and white are the only +colors (or no colors) admissible, and in the midst of the gay dresses of +the ladies, the unfortunate man in his sombre dress appears like a demon +who has found his way into Paradise among the angels. _N'importe!_ Men +should be useful to the women, and how can they be better employed than +acting as a foil for their loveliness of face and dress! + +Notwithstanding the dress, however, a man may make himself agreeable, +even in the earthly Paradise, a ball-room. He can rise above the +mourning of his coat, to the joyousness of the occasion, and make +himself valued for himself, not his dress. He can make himself admired +for his wit, not his toilette; his elegance and refinement, not the +price of his clothes. + +There is another good rule for the dressing-room: While you are engaged +in dressing give your whole attention to it. See that every detail is +perfect, and that each article is neatly arranged. From the curl of +your hair to the tip of your boot, let all be perfect in its make and +arrangement, but, as soon as you have left your mirror, forget your +dress. Nothing betokens the coxcomb more decidedly than to see a man +always fussing about his dress, pulling down his wristbands, playing +with his moustache, pulling up his shirt collar, or arranging the bow of +his cravat. Once dressed, do not attempt to alter any part of your +costume until you are again in the dressing-room. + +In a gentleman's dress any attempt to be conspicuous is in excessively +bad taste. If you are wealthy, let the luxury of your dress consist in +the fine quality of each article, and in the spotless purity of gloves +and linen, but never wear much jewelry or any article conspicuous on +account of its money value. Simplicity should always preside over the +gentleman's wardrobe. + +Follow fashion as far as is necessary to avoid eccentricity or oddity in +your costume, but avoid the extreme of the prevailing _mode_. If coats +are worn long, yours need not sweep the ground, if they are loose, yours +may still have some fitness for your figure; if pantaloons are cut large +over the boot, yours need not cover the whole foot, if they are tight, +you may still take room to walk. Above all, let your figure and style of +face have some weight in deciding how far you are to follow fashion. For +a very tall man to wear a high, narrow-brimmed hat, long-tailed coat, +and tight pantaloons, with a pointed beard and hair brushed up from the +forehead, is not more absurd than for a short, fat man, to promenade the +street in a low, broad-brimmed hat, loose coat and pants, and the +latter made of large plaid material, and yet burlesques quite as broad +may be met with every day. + +An English writer, ridiculing the whims of Fashion, says:-- + +"To be in the fashion, an Englishman must wear six pairs of gloves in a +day: + +"In the morning, he must drive his hunting wagon in reindeer gloves. + +"In hunting, he must wear gloves of chamois skin. + +"To enter London in his tilbury, beaver skin gloves. + +"Later in the day, to promenade in Hyde Park, colored kid gloves, dark. + +"When he dines out, colored kid gloves, light. + +"For the ball-room, white kid gloves." + +Thus his yearly bill for gloves alone will amount to a most extravagant +sum. + +In order to merit the appellation of a well-dressed man, you must pay +attention, not only to the more prominent articles of your wardrobe, +coat, pants, and vest, but to the more minute details. A shirtfront +which fits badly, a pair of wristbands too wide or too narrow, a badly +brushed hat, a shabby pair of gloves, or an ill-fitting boot, will spoil +the most elaborate costume. Purity of skin, teeth, nails; well brushed +hair; linen fresh and snowy white, will make clothes of the coarsest +material, if well made, look more elegant, than the finest material of +cloth, if these details are neglected. + +Frequent bathing, careful attention to the teeth, nails, ears, and hair, +are indispensable to a finished toilette. + +Use but very little perfume, much of it is in bad taste. + +Let your hair, beard, and moustache, be always perfectly smooth, well +arranged, and scrupulously clean. + +It is better to clean the teeth with a piece of sponge, or very soft +brush, than with a stiff brush, and there is no dentifrice so good as +White Castile Soap. + +Wear always gloves and boots, which fit well and are fresh and whole. +Soiled or torn gloves and boots ruin a costume otherwise faultless. + +Extreme propriety should be observed in dress. Be careful to dress +according to your means. Too great saving is meanness, too great expense +is extravagance. + +A young man may follow the fashion farther than a middle-aged or elderly +man, but let him avoid going to the extreme of the mode, if he would not +be taken for an empty headed fop. + +It is best to employ a good tailor, as a suit of coarse broadcloth which +fits you perfectly, and is stylish in cut, will make a more elegant +dress than the finest material badly made. + +Avoid eccentricity; it marks, not the man of genius, but the fool. + +A well brushed hat, and glossy boots must be always worn in the street. + +White gloves are the only ones to be worn with full dress. + +A snuff box, watch, studs, sleeve-buttons, watch-chain, and one ring are +all the jewelry a well-dressed man can wear. + +An English author, in a recent work, gives the following rules for a +gentleman's dress: + +"The best bath for general purposes, and one which can do little harm, +and almost always some good, is a sponge bath. It should consist of a +large, flat metal basin, some four feet in diameter, filled with cold +water. Such a vessel may be bought for about fifteen shillings. A large, +coarse sponge--the coarser the better--will cost another five or seven +shillings, and a few Turkish towels complete the 'properties.' The water +should be plentiful and fresh, that is, brought up a little while before +the bath is to be used; not placed over night in the bed-room. Let us +wash and be merry, for we know not how soon the supply of that precious +article which here costs nothing may be cut off. In many continental +towns they buy their water, and on a protracted sea voyage the ration is +often reduced to half a pint a day _for all purposes_, so that a pint +per diem is considered luxurious. Sea-water, we may here observe, does +not cleanse, and a sensible man who bathes in the sea will take a bath +of pure water immediately after it. This practice is shamefully +neglected, and I am inclined to think that in many cases a sea-bath will +do more harm than good without it, but, if followed by a fresh bath, +cannot but be advantageous. + +"Taking the sponge bath as the best for ordinary purposes, we must point +out some rules in its use. The sponge being nearly a foot in length, and +six inches broad, must be allowed to fill completely with water, and the +part of the body which should be first attacked is the stomach. It is +there that the most heat has collected during the night, and the +application of cold water quickens the circulation at once, and sends +the blood which has been employed in digestion round the whole body. The +head should next be soused, unless the person be of full habit, when the +head should be attacked before the feet touch the cold water at all. +Some persons use a small hand shower bath, which is less powerful than +the common shower bath, and does almost as much good. The use of soap in +the morning bath is an open question. I confess a preference for a rough +towel, or a hair glove. Brummell patronized the latter, and applied it +for nearly a quarter of an hour every morning. + +"The ancients followed up the bath by anointing the body, and athletic +exercises. The former is a mistake; the latter, an excellent practice, +shamefully neglected in the present day. It would conduce much to health +and strength if every morning toilet comprised the vigorous use of the +dumb-bells, or, still better, the exercise of the arms without them. The +best plan of all is, to choose some object in your bed-room on which to +vent your hatred, and box at it violently for some ten minutes, till the +perspiration covers you. The sponge must then be again applied to the +whole body. It is very desirable to remain without clothing as long as +possible, and I should therefore recommend that every part of the toilet +which can conveniently be performed without dressing, should be so. + +"The next duty, then, must be to clean the TEETH. Dentists are modern +inquisitors, but their torture-rooms are meant only for the foolish. +Everybody is born with good teeth, and everybody might keep them good by +a proper diet, and the avoidance of sweets and smoking. Of the two the +former are, perhaps, the more dangerous. Nothing ruins the teeth so soon +as sugar in one's tea, and highly sweetened tarts and puddings, and as +it is _le premier pas qui coute_, these should be particularly avoided +in childhood. When the teeth attain their full growth and strength it +takes much more to destroy either their enamel or their substance. + +"It is upon the teeth that the effects of excess are first seen, and it +is upon the teeth that the odor of the breath depends. If I may not say +that it is a Christian duty to keep your teeth clean, I may, at least, +remind you that you cannot be thoroughly agreeable without doing so. Let +words be what they may, if they come with an impure odor, they cannot +please. The butterfly loves the scent of the rose more than its honey. + +"The teeth should be well rubbed inside as well as outside, and the back +teeth even more than the front. The mouth should then be rinsed, if not +seven times, according to the Hindu legislator, at least several times, +with fresh, cold water. This same process should be repeated several +times a day, since eating, smoking, and so forth, naturally render the +teeth and mouth dirty more or less, and nothing can be so offensive, +particularly to ladies, whose sense of smell seems to be keener than +that of the other sex, and who can detect at your first approach whether +you have been drinking or smoking. But, if only for your own comfort, +you should brush your teeth both morning and evening, which is quite +requisite for the preservation of their soundness and color; while, if +you are to mingle with others, they should be brushed, or, at least, +the mouth well rinsed after every meal, still more after smoking, or +drinking wine, beer, or spirits. No amount of general attractiveness can +compensate for an offensive odor in the breath; and none of the senses +is so fine a gentleman, none so unforgiving, if offended, as that of +smell. + +"Strict attention must be paid to the condition of the nails, and that +both as regards cleaning and cutting. The former is best done with a +liberal supply of soap on a small nail-brush, which should be used +before every meal, if you would not injure your neighbor's appetite. +While the hand is still moist, the point of a small pen-knife or pair of +stumpy nail-scissors should be passed under the nails so as to remove +every vestige of dirt; the skin should be pushed down with a towel, that +the white half-moon may be seen, and the finer skin removed with the +knife or scissors. Occasionally the edges of the nails should be filed, +and the hard skin which forms round the corners of them cut away. The +important point in cutting the nails is to preserve the beauty of their +shape. That beauty, even in details, is worth preserving, I have already +remarked, and we may study it as much in paring our nails, as in the +grace of our attitudes, or any other point. The shape, then, of the nail +should approach, as nearly as possible, to the oblong. The length of the +nail is an open question. Let it be often cut, but always long, in my +opinion. Above all, let it be well cut, and _never_ bitten. + +"Perhaps you tell me these are childish details. Details, yes, but not +childish. The attention to details is the true sign of a great mind, and +he who can in necessity consider the smallest, is the same man who can +compass the largest subjects. Is not life made up of details? Must not +the artist who has conceived a picture, descend from the dream of his +mind to mix colors on a palette? Must not the great commander who is +bowling down nations and setting up monarchies care for the health and +comfort, the bread and beef of each individual soldier? I have often +seen a great poet, whom I knew personally, counting on his fingers the +feet of his verses, and fretting with anything but poetic language, +because he could not get his sense into as many syllables. What if his +nails were dirty? Let genius talk of abstract beauty, and philosophers +dogmatize on order. If they do not keep their nails clean, I shall call +them both charlatans. The man who really loves beauty will cultivate it +in everything around him. The man who upholds order is not conscientious +if he cannot observe it in his nails. The great mind can afford to +descend to details; it is only the weak mind that fears to be narrowed +by them. When Napoleon was at Munich he declined the grand four-poster +of the Witelsbach family, and slept, as usual, in his little camp-bed. +The power to be little is a proof of greatness. + +"For the hands, ears, and neck we want something more than the bath, +and, as these parts are exposed and really lodge fugitive pollutions, we +cannot use too much soap, or give too much trouble to their complete +purification. Nothing is lovelier than a woman's small, white, +shell-like ear; few things reconcile us better to earth than the cold +hand and warm heart of a friend; but, to complete the charm, the hand +should be both clean and soft. Warm water, a liberal use of the +nail-brush, and no stint of soap, produce this amenity far more +effectually than honey, cold cream, and almond paste. Of wearing gloves +I shall speak elsewhere, but for weak people who are troubled with +chilblains, they are indispensable all the year round. I will add a good +prescription for the cure of chilblains, which are both a disfigurement, +and one of the _petites miseres_ of human life. + +"'Roll the fingers in linen bandages, sew them up well, and dip them +twice or thrice a day in a mixture, consisting of half a fluid ounce of +tincture of capsicum, and a fluid ounce of tincture of opium.' + +"The person who invented razors libelled Nature, and added a fresh +misery to the days of man. + +"Whatever _Punch_ may say, the moustache and beard movement is one in +the right direction, proving that men are beginning to appreciate beauty +and to acknowledge that Nature is the best valet. But it is very amusing +to hear men excusing their vanity on the plea of health, and find them +indulging in the hideous 'Newgate frill' as a kind of compromise between +the beard and the razor. There was a time when it was thought a +presumption and vanity to wear one's own hair instead of the frightful +elaborations of the wig-makers, and the false curls which Sir Godfrey +Kneller did his best to make graceful on canvas. Who knows that at some +future age some _Punch_ of the twenty-first century may not ridicule the +wearing of one's own teeth instead of the dentist's? At any rate Nature +knows best, and no man need be ashamed of showing his manhood in the +hair of his face. Of razors and shaving, therefore, I shall only speak +from necessity, because, until everybody is sensible on this point, they +will still be used. + +"Napoleon shaved himself. 'A born king,' said he, 'has another to shave +him. A made king can use his own razor.' But the war he made on his chin +was very different to that he made on foreign potentates. He took a very +long time to effect it, talking between whiles to his hangers-on. The +great man, however, was right, and every sensible man will shave +himself, if only as an exercise of character, for a man should learn to +live, in every detail without assistance. Moreover, in most cases, we +shave ourselves better than barbers can do. If we shave at all, we +should do it thoroughly, and every morning. Nothing, except a frown and +a hay-fever, makes the face look so unlovely as a chin covered with +short stubble. The chief requirements are hot water, a large, soft brush +of badger hair, a good razor, soft soap that will not dry rapidly, and a +steady hand. Cheap razors are a fallacy. They soon lose their edge, and +no amount of stropping will restore it. A good razor needs no strop. If +you can afford it, you should have a case of seven razors, one for each +day of the week, so that no one shall be too much used. There are now +much used packets of papers of a certain kind on which to wipe the +razor, and which keep its edge keen, and are a substitute for the strop. + +"Beards, moustaches, and whiskers, have always been most important +additions to the face. In the present day literary men are much given to +their growth, and in that respect show at once their taste and their +vanity. Let no man be ashamed of his beard, if it be well kept and not +fantastically cut. The moustache should be kept within limits. The +Hungarians wear it so long that they can tie the ends round their heads. +The style of the beard should be adopted to suit the face. A broad face +should wear a large, full one; a long face is improved by a +sharp-pointed one. Taylor, the water poet, wrote verses on the various +styles, and they are almost numberless. The chief point is to keep the +beard well-combed and in neat trim. + +"As to whiskers, it is not every man who can achieve a pair of full +length. There is certainly a great vanity about them, but it may be +generally said that foppishness should be avoided in this as in most +other points. Above all, the whiskers should never be curled, nor pulled +out to an absurd length. Still worse is it to cut them close with the +scissors. The moustache should be neat and not too large, and such +fopperies as cutting the points thereof, or twisting them up to the +fineness of needles--though patronized by the Emperor of the French--are +decidedly a proof of vanity. If a man wear the hair on his face which +nature has given him, in the manner that nature distributes it, keeps it +clean, and prevents its overgrowth, he cannot do wrong. All +extravagances are vulgar, because they are evidence of a pretence to +being better than you are; but a single extravagance unsupported is +perhaps worse than a number together, which have at least the merit of +consistency. If you copy puppies in the half-yard of whisker, you should +have their dress and their manner too, if you would not appear doubly +absurd. + +"The same remarks apply to the arrangement of the hair in men, which +should be as simple and as natural as possible, but at the same time a +little may be granted to beauty and the requirements of the face. For my +part I can see nothing unmanly in wearing long hair, though undoubtedly +it is inconvenient and a temptation to vanity, while its arrangement +would demand an amount of time and attention which is unworthy of a man. +But every nation and every age has had a different custom in this +respect, and to this day even in Europe the hair is sometimes worn long. +The German student is particularly partial to hyacinthine locks curling +over a black velvet coat; and the peasant of Brittany looks very +handsome, if not always clean, with his love-locks hanging straight down +under a broad cavalier hat. Religion has generally taken up the matter +severely. The old fathers preached and railed against wigs, the +Calvinists raised an insurrection in Bordeaux on the same account, and +English Roundheads consigned to an unmentionable place every man who +allowed his hair to grow according to nature. The Romans condemned +tresses as unmanly, and in France in the middle ages the privilege to +wear them was confined to royalty. Our modern custom was a revival of +the French revolution, so that in this respect we are now republican as +well as puritanical. + +"If we conform to fashion we should at least make the best of it, and +since the main advantage of short hair is its neatness, we should take +care to keep ours neat. This should be done first by frequent visits to +the barber, for if the hair is to be short at all it should be very +short, and nothing looks more untidy than long, stiff, uncurled masses +sticking out over the ears. If it curls naturally so much the better, +but if not it will be easier to keep in order. The next point is to wash +the head every morning, which, when once habitual, is a great +preservative against cold. A pair of large brushes, hard or soft, as +your case requires, should be used, not to hammer the head with, but to +pass up under the hair so as to reach the roots. As to pomatum, +Macassar, and other inventions of the hair-dresser, I have only to say +that, if used at all, it should be in moderation, and never sufficiently +to make their scent perceptible in company. Of course the arrangement +will be a matter of individual taste, but as the middle of the hair is +the natural place for a parting, it is rather a silly prejudice to think +a man vain who parts his hair in the centre. He is less blamable than +one who is too lazy to part it at all, and has always the appearance of +having just got up. + +"Of wigs and false hair, the subject of satires and sermons since the +days of the Roman Emperors, I shall say nothing here except that they +are a practical falsehood which may sometimes be necessary, but is +rarely successful. For my part I prefer the snows of life's winter to +the best made peruke, and even a bald head to an inferior wig. + +"When gentlemen wore armor, and disdained the use of their legs, an +esquire was a necessity; and we can understand that, in the days of the +Beaux, the word "gentleman" meant a man and his valet. I am glad to say +that in the present day it only takes one man to make a gentleman, or, +at most, a man and a ninth--that is, including the tailor. It is an +excellent thing for the character to be neat and orderly, and, if a man +neglects to be so in his room, he is open to the same temptation sooner +or later in his person. A dressing-case is, therefore, a desideratum. A +closet to hang up cloth clothes, which should never be folded, and a +small dressing-room next to the bed-room, are not so easily attainable. +But the man who throws his clothes about the room, a boot in one corner, +a cravat in another, and his brushes anywhere, is not a man of good +habits. The spirit of order should extend to everything about him. + +"This brings me to speak of certain necessities of dress; the first of +which I shall take is appropriateness. The age of the individual is an +important consideration in this respect; and a man of sixty is as absurd +in the style of nineteen as a young man in the high cravat of Brummell's +day. I know a gallant colonel who is master of the ceremonies in a gay +watering-place, and who, afraid of the prim old-fashioned _tournure_ of +his _confreres_ in similar localities, is to be seen, though his hair is +gray and his age not under five-and-sixty, in a light cut-away, the +'peg-top' continuations, and a turned-down collar. It may be what +younger blades will wear when they reach his age, but in the present day +the effect is ridiculous. We may, therefore, give as a general rule, +that after the turning-point of life a man should eschew the changes of +fashion in his own attire, while he avoids complaining of it in the +young. In the latter, on the other hand, the observance of these changes +must depend partly on his taste and partly on his position. If wise, he +will adopt with alacrity any new fashions which improve the grace, the +ease, the healthfulness, and the convenience of his garments. He will +be glad of greater freedom in the cut of his cloth clothes, of boots +with elastic sides instead of troublesome buttons or laces, of the +privilege to turn down his collar, and so forth, while he will avoid as +extravagant, elaborate shirt-fronts, gold bindings on the waistcoat, and +expensive buttons. On the other hand, whatever his age, he will have +some respect to his profession and position in society. He will remember +how much the appearance of the man aids a judgment of his character, and +this test, which has often been cried down, is in reality no bad one; +for a man who does not dress appropriately evinces a want of what is +most necessary to professional men--tact and discretion. + +"Position in society demands appropriateness. Well knowing the worldly +value of a good coat, I would yet never recommend a man of limited means +to aspire to a fashionable appearance. In the first place, he becomes +thereby a walking falsehood; in the second, he cannot, without running +into debt, which is another term for dishonesty, maintain the style he +has adopted. As he cannot afford to change his suits as rapidly as +fashion alters, he must avoid following it in varying details. He will +rush into wide sleeves one month, in the hope of being fashionable, and +before his coat is worn out, the next month will bring in a narrow +sleeve. We cannot, unfortunately, like Samuel Pepys, take a long cloak +now-a-days to the tailor's, to be cut into a short one, 'long cloaks +being now quite out,' as he tells us. Even when there is no poverty in +the case, our position must not be forgotten. The tradesman will win +neither customers nor friends by adorning himself in the mode of the +club-lounger, and the clerk, or commercial traveler, who dresses +fashionably, lays himself open to inquiries as to his antecedents, which +he may not care to have investigated. In general, it may be said that +there is vulgarity in dressing like those of a class above us, since it +must be taken as a proof of pretension. + +"As it is bad taste to flaunt the airs of the town among the +provincials, who know nothing of them, it is worse taste to display the +dress of a city in the quiet haunts of the rustics. The law, that all +attempts at distinction by means of dress is vulgar and pretentious, +would be sufficient argument against wearing city fashions in the +country. + +"While in most cases a rougher and easier mode of dress is both +admissible and desirable in the country, there are many occasions of +country visiting where a town man finds it difficult to decide. It is +almost peculiar to the country to unite the amusements of the daytime +with those of the evening; of the open air with those of the +drawing-room. Thus, in the summer, when the days are long, you will be +asked to a pic-nic or an archery party, which will wind up with dancing +in-doors, and may even assume the character of a ball. If you are aware +of this beforehand, it will always be safe to send your evening dress to +your host's house, and you will learn from the servants whether others +have done the same, and whether, therefore, you will not be singular in +asking leave to change your costume. But if you are ignorant how the day +is to end, you must be guided partly by the hour of invitation, and +partly by the extent of your intimacy with the family. I have actually +known gentlemen arrive at a large pic-nic at mid-day in complete evening +dress, and pitied them with all my heart, compelled as they were to +suffer, in tight black clothes, under a hot sun for eight hours, and +dance after all in the same dress. On the other hand, if you are asked +to come an hour or two before sunset, after six in summer, in the autumn +after five, you cannot err by appearing in evening dress. It is always +taken as a compliment to do so, and if your acquaintance with your +hostess is slight, it would be almost a familiarity to do otherwise. In +any case you desire to avoid singularity, so that if you can discover +what others who are invited intend to wear, you can always decide on +your own attire. In Europe there is a convenient rule for these matters; +never appear after four in the afternoon in morning dress; but then gray +trousers are there allowed instead of black, and white waistcoats are +still worn in the evening. At any rate, it is possible to effect a +compromise between the two styles of costume, and if you are likely to +be called upon to dance in the evening, it will be well to wear thin +boots, a black frock-coat, and a small black neck-tie, and to put a pair +of clean white gloves in your pocket. You will thus be at least less +conspicuous in the dancing-room than in a light tweed suit. + +"Not so the distinction to be made according to size. As a rule, tall +men require long clothes--some few perhaps even in the nurse's sense of +those words--and short men short clothes. On the other hand, Falstaff +should beware of Jenny Wren coats and affect ample wrappers, while Peter +Schlemihl, and the whole race of thin men, must eschew looseness as +much in their garments as their morals. + +"Lastly we come to what is appropriate to different occasions, and as +this is an important subject, I shall treat of it separately. For the +present it is sufficient to point out that, while every man should avoid +not only extravagance, but even brilliance of dress on ordinary +occasions, there are some on which he may and ought to pay more +attention to his toilet, and attempt to look gay. Of course, the +evenings are not here meant. For evening dress there is a fixed rule, +from which we can depart only to be foppish or vulgar; but in morning +dress there is greater liberty, and when we undertake to mingle with +those who are assembled avowedly for gayety, we should not make +ourselves remarkable by the dinginess of our dress. Such occasions are +open air entertainments, _fetes_, flower-shows, archery-meetings, +_matinees_, and _id genus omne_, where much of the pleasure to be +derived depends on the general effect on the enjoyers, and where, if we +cannot pump up a look of mirth, we should, at least, if we go at all, +wear the semblance of it in our dress. I have a worthy little friend, +who, I believe, is as well disposed to his kind as Lord Shaftesbury +himself, but who, for some reason, perhaps a twinge of philosophy about +him, frequents the gay meetings to which he is asked in an old coat and +a wide-awake. Some people take him for a wit, but he soon shows that he +does not aspire to that character; others for a philosopher, but he is +too good-mannered for that; others, poor man! pronounce him a cynic, and +all are agreed that whatever he may be, he looks out of place, and +spoils the general effect. I believe, in my heart, that he is the +mildest of men, but will not take the trouble to dress more than once a +day. At any rate, he has a character for eccentricity, which, I am sure, +is precisely what he would wish to avoid. That character is a most +delightful one for a bachelor, and it is generally Coelebs who holds it, +for it has been proved by statistics that there are four single to one +married man among the inhabitants of our madhouses; but eccentricity +yields a reputation which requires something to uphold it, and even in +Diogenes of the Tub it was extremely bad taste to force himself into +Plato's evening party without sandals, and nothing but a dirty tunic on +him. + +"Another requisite in dress is its simplicity, with which I may couple +harmony of color. This simplicity is the only distinction which a man of +taste should aspire to in the matter of dress, but a simplicity in +appearance must proceed from a nicety in reality. One should not be +simply ill-dressed, but simply well-dressed. Lord Castlereagh would +never have been pronounced the most distinguished man in the gay court +of Vienna, because he wore no orders or ribbons among hundreds decorated +with a profusion of those vanities, but because besides this he was +dressed with taste. The charm of Brummell's dress was its simplicity; +yet it cost him as much thought, time, and care as the portfolio of a +minister. The rules of simplicity, therefore, are the rules of taste. +All extravagance, all splendor, and all profusion must be avoided. The +colors, in the first place, must harmonize both with our complexion and +with one another; perhaps most of all with the color of our hair. All +bright colors should be avoided, such as red, yellow, sky-blue, and +bright green. Perhaps only a successful Australian gold digger would +think of choosing such colors for his coat, waistcoat, or trousers; but +there are hundreds of young men who might select them for their gloves +and neck-ties. The deeper colors are, some how or other, more manly, and +are certainly less striking. The same simplicity should be studied in +the avoidance of ornamentation. A few years ago it was the fashion to +trim the evening waistcoat with a border of gold lace. This is an +example of fashions always to be rebelled against. Then, too, +extravagance in the form of our dress is a sin against taste. I remember +that long ribbons took the place of neck-ties some years ago. At a +commemoration, two friends of mine determined to cut a figure in this +matter, having little else to distinguish them. The one wore two yards +of bright pink; the other the same quantity of bright blue ribbon, round +their necks. I have reason to believe they think now that they both +looked superbly ridiculous. In the same way, if the trousers are worn +wide, we should not wear them as loose as a Turk's; or, if the sleeves +are to be open, we should not rival the ladies in this matter. And so on +through a hundred details, generally remembering that to exaggerate a +fashion is to assume a character, and therefore vulgar. The wearing of +jewelry comes under this head. Jewels are an ornament to women, but a +blemish to men. They bespeak either effeminacy or a love of display. The +hand of a man is honored in working, for labor is his mission; and the +hand that wears its riches on its fingers, has rarely worked honestly +to win them. The best jewel a man can wear is his honor. Let that be +bright and shining, well set in prudence, and all others must darken +before it. But as we are savages, and must have some silly trickery to +hang about us, a little, but very little concession may be made to our +taste in this respect. I am quite serious when I disadvise you from the +use of nose-rings, gold anklets, and hat-bands studded with jewels; for +when I see an incredulous young man of the nineteenth century, dangling +from his watch-chain a dozen silly 'charms' (often the only ones he +possesses), which have no other use than to give a fair coquette a +legitimate subject on which to approach to closer intimacy, and which +are revived from the lowest superstitions of dark ages, and sometimes +darker races, I am quite justified in believing that some South African +chieftain, sufficiently rich to cut a dash, might introduce with success +the most peculiar fashions of his own country. However this may be, +there are already sufficient extravagances prevalent among our young men +to attack. + +"The man of good taste will wear as little jewelry as possible. One +handsome signet-ring on the little finger of the left hand, a scarf-pin +which is neither large, nor showy, nor too intricate in its design, and +a light, rather thin watch-guard with a cross-bar, are all that he ought +to wear. But, if he aspires to more than this, he should observe the +following rules:-- + +"1. Let everything be real and good. False jewelry is not only a +practical lie, but an absolute vulgarity, since its use arises from an +attempt to appear richer or grander than its wearer is. + +"2. Let it be simple. Elaborate studs, waistcoat-buttons, and +wrist-links, are all abominable. The last, particularly, should be as +plain as possible, consisting of plain gold ovals, with, at most, the +crest engraved upon them. Diamonds and brilliants are quite unsuitable +to men, whose jewelry should never be conspicuous. If you happen to +possess a single diamond of great value you may wear it on great +occasions as a ring, but no more than one ring should ever be worn by a +gentleman. + +"3. Let it be distinguished rather by its curiosity than its brilliance. +An antique or bit of old jewelry possesses more interest, particularly +if you are able to tell its history, than the most splendid production +of the goldsmith's shop. + +"4. Let it harmonize with the colors of your dress. + +"5. Let it have some use. Men should never, like women, wear jewels for +mere ornament, whatever may be the fashion of Hungarian noblemen, and +deposed Indian rajahs with jackets covered with rubies. + +"The precious stones are reserved for ladies, and even our scarf-pins +are more suitable without them. + +"The dress that is both appropriate and simple can never offend, nor +render its wearer conspicuous, though it may distinguish him for his +good taste. But it will not be pleasing unless clean and fresh. We +cannot quarrel with a poor gentleman's thread-bare coat, if his linen be +pure, and we see that he has never attempted to dress beyond his means +or unsuitably to his station. But the sight of decayed gentility and +dilapidated fashion may call forth our pity, and, at the same time +prompt a moral: 'You have evidently sunken;' we say to ourselves; 'But +whose fault was it? Am I not led to suppose that the extravagance which +you evidently once revelled in has brought you to what I now see you?' +While freshness is essential to being well-dressed, it will be a +consolation to those who cannot afford a heavy tailor's bill, to reflect +that a visible newness in one's clothes is as bad as patches and darns, +and to remember that there have been celebrated dressers who would never +put on a new coat till it had been worn two or three times by their +valets. On the other hand, there is no excuse for untidiness, holes in +the boots, a broken hat, torn gloves, and so on. Indeed, it is better to +wear no gloves at all than a pair full of holes. There is nothing to be +ashamed of in bare hands, if they are clean, and the poor can still +afford to have their shirts and shoes mended, and their hats ironed. It +is certainly better to show signs of neatness than the reverse, and you +need sooner be ashamed of a hole than a darn. + +"Of personal cleanliness I have spoken at such length that little need +be said on that of the clothes. If you are economical with your tailor, +you can be extravagant with your laundress. The beaux of forty years +back put on three shirts a day, but except in hot weather one is +sufficient. Of course, if you change your dress in the evening you must +change your shirt too. There has been a great outcry against colored +flannel shirts in the place of linen, and the man who can wear one for +three days is looked on as little better than St. Simeon Stylites. I +should like to know how often the advocates of linen change their own +under-flannel, and whether the same rule does not apply to what is seen +as to what is concealed. But while the flannel is perhaps healthier as +absorbing the moisture more rapidly, the linen has the advantage of +_looking_ cleaner, and may therefore be preferred. As to economy, if the +flannel costs less to wash, it also wears out sooner; but, be this as it +may, a man's wardrobe is not complete without half a dozen or so of +these shirts, which he will find most useful, and ten times more +comfortable than linen in long excursions, or when exertion will be +required. Flannel, too, has the advantage of being warm in winter and +cool in summer, for, being a non-conductor, but a retainer of heat, it +protects the body from the sun, and, on the other hand, shields it from +the cold. But the best shirt of all, particularly in winter, is that +which wily monks and hermits pretended to wear for a penance, well +knowing that they could have no garment cooler, more comfortable, or +more healthy. I mean, of course, the rough hair-shirt. Like flannel, it +is a non-conductor of heat; but then, too, it acts the part of a +shampooer, and with its perpetual friction soothes the surface of the +skin, and prevents the circulation from being arrested at any one point +of the body. Though I doubt if any of my readers will take a hint from +the wisdom of the merry anchorites, they will perhaps allow me to +suggest that the next best thing to wear next the skin is flannel, and +that too of the coarsest description. + +"Quantity is better than quality in linen. Nevertheless it should be +fine and well spun. The loose cuff, which we borrowed from the French +some four years ago, is a great improvement on the old tight wrist-band, +and, indeed, it must be borne in mind that anything which binds any +part of the body tightly impedes the circulation, and is therefore +unhealthy as well as ungraceful. + +"The necessity for a large stock of linen depends on a rule far better +than Brummell's, of three shirts a day, viz:-- + +"Change your linen whenever it is at all dirty. + +"This is the best guide with regard to collars, socks, +pocket-handkerchiefs, and our under garments. No rule can be laid down +for the number we should wear per week, for everything depends on +circumstances. Thus in the country all our linen remains longer clean +than in town; in dirty, wet, or dusty weather, our socks get soon dirty +and must be changed; or, if we have a cold, to say nothing of the +possible but not probable case of tear-shedding on the departure of +friends, we shall want more than one pocket-handkerchief per diem. In +fact, the last article of modern civilization is put to so many uses, is +so much displayed, and liable to be called into action on so many +various engagements, that we should always have a clean one in our +pockets. Who knows when it may not serve us is in good stead? Who can +tell how often the corner of the delicate cambric will have to represent +a tear which, like difficult passages in novels is 'left to the +imagination.' Can a man of any feeling call on a disconsolate widow, for +instance, and listen to her woes, without at least pulling out that +expressive appendage? Can any one believe in our sympathy if the article +in question is a dirty one? There are some people who, like the clouds, +only exist to weep; and King Solomon, though not one of them, has given +them great encouragement in speaking of the house of mourning. We are +bound to weep with them, and we are bound to weep elegantly. + +"A man whose dress is neat, clean, simple, and appropriate, will pass +muster anywhere. + +"A well-dressed man does not require so much an extensive as a varied +wardrobe. He wants a different costume for every season and every +occasion; but if what he selects is simple rather than striking, he may +appear in the same clothes as often as he likes, as long as they are +fresh and appropriate to the season and the object. There are four kinds +of coats which he must have: a morning-coat, a frock-coat, a dress-coat, +and an over-coat. An economical man may do well with four of the first, +and one of each of the others per annum. The dress of a gentleman in the +present day should not cost him more than the tenth part of his income +on an average. But as fortunes vary more than position, if his income is +large it will take a much smaller proportion, if small a larger one. If +a man, however, mixes in society, and I write for those who do so, there +are some things which are indispensable to even the proper dressing, and +every occasion will have its proper attire. + +"In his own house then, and in the morning, there is no reason why he +should not wear out his old clothes. Some men take to the delightful +ease of a dressing-gown and slippers; and if bachelors, they do well. If +family men, it will probably depend on whether the lady or the gentleman +wears the pantaloons. The best walking-dress for a non-professional man +is a suit of tweed of the same color, ordinary boots, gloves not too +dark for the coat, a scarf with a pin in winter, or a small tie of one +color in summer, a respectable black hat and a cane. The last item is +perhaps the most important, and though its use varies with fashion, I +confess I am sorry when I see it go out. The best substitute for a +walking-stick is an umbrella, _not_ a parasol unless it be given you by +a lady to carry. The main point of the walking-dress is the harmony of +colors, but this should not be carried to the extent of M. de Maltzan, +who some years ago made a bet to wear nothing but pink at Baden-Baden +for a whole year, and had boots and gloves of the same lively hue. He +won his wager, but also the soubriquet of 'Le Diable enflamme.' The +walking-dress should vary according to the place and hour. In the +country or at the sea-side a straw hat or wide-awake may take the place +of the beaver, and the nuisance of gloves be even dispensed with in the +former. But in the city where a man is supposed to make visits as well +as lounge in the street, the frock coat of very dark blue or black, or a +black cloth cut-away, the white waistcoat, and lavender gloves, are +almost indispensable. Very thin boots should be avoided at all times, +and whatever clothes one wears they should be well brushed. The shirt, +whether seen or not, should be quite plain. The shirt collar should +never have a color on it, but it may be stiff or turned down according +as the wearer is Byronically or Brummellically disposed. The scarf, if +simple and of modest colors, is perhaps the best thing we can wear round +the neck; but if a neck-tie is preferred it should not be too long, nor +tied in too stiff and studied a manner. The cane should be extremely +simple, a mere stick in fact, with no gold head, and yet for the town +not rough, thick, or clumsy. The frock-coat should be ample and loose, +and a tall well-built man may throw it back. At any rate, it should +never be buttoned up. Great-coats should be buttoned up, of a dark +color, not quite black, longer than the frock-coat, but never long +enough to reach the ankles. If you have visits to make you should do +away with the great-coat, if the weather allows you to do so. The +frock-coat, or black cut-away, with a white waistcoat in summer, is the +best dress for making calls in. + +"It is simple nonsense to talk of modern civilization, and rejoice that +the cruelties of the dark ages can never be perpetrated in these days +and this country. I maintain that they are perpetrated freely, +generally, daily, with the consent of the wretched victim himself, in +the compulsion to wear evening clothes. Is there anything at once more +comfortless or more hideous? Let us begin with what the delicate call +limb-covers, which we are told were the invention of the Gauls, but I am +inclined to think, of a much worse race, for it is clearly an +anachronism to ascribe the discovery to a Venetian called Piantaleone, +and it can only have been Inquisitors or demons who inflicted this +scourge on the race of man, and his ninth-parts, the tailors, for I take +it that both are equally bothered by the tight pantaloon. Let us pause +awhile over this unsightly garment, and console ourselves with the +reflection that as every country, and almost every year, has a different +fashion in its make of it, we may at last be emancipated from it +altogether, or at least be able to wear it _a la Turque_. + +"But it is not all trousers that I rebel against. If I might wear linen +appendices in summer, and fur continuations in winter, I would not +groan, but it is the evening-dress that inflicts on the man who likes +society the necessity of wearing the same trying cloth all the year +round, so that under Boreas he catches colds, and under the dog-star he +melts. This unmentionable, but most necessary disguise of the 'human +form divine,' is one that never varies in this country, and therefore I +must lay down the rule:-- + +"For all evening wear--black cloth trousers. + +"But the tortures of evening dress do not end with our lower limbs. Of +all the iniquities perpetrated under the Reign of Terror, none has +lasted so long as that of the strait-jacket, which was palmed off on the +people as a 'habit de compagnie.' If it were necessary to sing a hymn of +praise to Robespierre, Marat, and Co., I would rather take the +guillotine as my subject to extol than the swallow tail. And yet we +endure the stiffness, unsightliness, uncomfortableness, and want of +grace of the latter, with more resignation than that with which +Charlotte Corday put her beautiful neck into the 'trou d'enfer' of the +former. Fortunately modern republicanism has triumphed over ancient +etiquette, and the tail-coat of to-day is looser and more easy than it +was twenty years ago. I can only say, let us never strive to make it +bearable, till we have abolished it. Let us abjure such vulgarities as +silk collars, white silk linings, and so forth, which attempt to +beautify this monstrosity, as a hangman might wreathe his gallows with +roses. The plainer the manner in which you wear your misery, the +better. + +"Then, again, the black waistcoat, stiff, tight, and comfortless. Fancy +Falstaff in a ball-dress such as we now wear. No amount of embroidery, +gold-trimmings, or jewel-buttons will render such an infliction grateful +to the mass. The best plan is to wear thorough mourning for your +wretchedness. In France and America, the cooler white waistcoat is +admitted. However, as we have it, let us make the best of it, and not +parade our misery by hideous ornamentation. The only evening waistcoat +for all purposes for a man of taste is one of simple black, with the +simplest possible buttons. + +"These three items never vary for dinner-party, muffin-worry, or ball. +The only distinction allowed is in the neck-tie. For dinner, the opera, +and balls, this must be white, and the smaller the better. It should be +too, of a washable texture, not silk, nor netted, nor hanging down, nor +of any foppish production, but a simple, white tie, without embroidery. +The black tie is admitted for evening parties, and should be equally +simple. The shirt-front, which figures under the tie should be plain, +with unpretending small plaits. The glove must be white, not yellow. +Recently, indeed, a fashion has sprung up of wearing lavender gloves in +the evening. They are economical, and as all economy is an abomination, +must be avoided. Gloves should always be worn at a ball. At a +dinner-party in town they should be worn on entering the room, and drawn +off for dinner. While, on the one hand, we must avoid the awkwardness of +a gallant sea-captain who, wearing no gloves at a dance, excused himself +to his partner by saying, 'Never mind, miss, I can wash my hands when +I've done dancing,' we have no need, in the present day, to copy the +Roman gentleman mentioned by Athenaeus, who wore gloves at dinner that he +might pick his meat from the hot dishes more rapidly than the +bare-handed guests. As to gloves at tea-parties and so forth, we are +generally safer with than without them. If it is quite a small party, we +may leave them in our pocket, and in the country they are scarcely +expected to be worn; but 'touch not a cat but with a glove;' you are +always safer with them. + +"I must not quit this subject without assuring myself that my reader +knows more about it now than he did before. In fact I have taken one +thing for granted, viz., that he knows what it is to be dressed, and +what undressed. Of course I do not suppose him to be in the blissful +state of ignorance on the subject once enjoyed by our first parents. I +use the words 'dressed' and 'undressed' rather in the sense meant by a +military tailor, or a cook with reference to a salad. You need not be +shocked. I am one of those people who wear spectacles for fear of seeing +anything with the naked eye. I am the soul of scrupulosity. But I am +wondering whether everybody arranges his wardrobe as our ungrammatical +nurses used to do ours, under the heads of 'best, second-best, +third-best,' and so on, and knows what things ought to be placed under +each. To be 'undressed' is to be dressed for work and ordinary +occupations, to wear a coat which you do not fear to spoil, and a +neck-tie which your ink-stand will not object to, but your acquaintance +might. To be 'dressed,' on the other hand, since by dress we show our +respect for society at large, or the persons with whom we are to +mingle, is to be clothed in the garments which the said society +pronounces as suitable to particular occasions; so that evening dress in +the morning, morning dress in the evening, and top boots and a red coat +for walking, may all be called 'undress,' if not positively 'bad dress.' +But there are shades of being 'dressed;' and a man is called 'little +dressed,' 'well dressed,' and 'much dressed,' not according to the +quantity but the quality of his coverings. + +"To be 'little dressed,' is to wear old things, of a make that is no +longer the fashion, having no pretension to elegance, artistic beauty, +or ornament. It is also to wear lounging clothes on occasions which +demand some amount of precision. To be 'much dressed' is to be in the +extreme of the fashion, with bran new clothes, jewelry, and ornaments, +with a touch of extravagance and gaiety in your colors. Thus to wear +patent leather boots and yellow gloves in a quiet morning stroll is to +be much dressed, and certainly does not differ immensely from being +badly dressed. To be 'well dressed' is the happy medium between these +two, which is not given to every one to hold, inasmuch as good taste is +rare, and is a _sine qua non_ thereof. Thus while you avoid ornament and +all fastness, you must cultivate fashion, that is _good_ fashion, in the +make of your clothes. A man must not be made by his tailor, but should +make him, educate him, give him his own good taste. To be well dressed +is to be dressed precisely as the occasion, place, weather, your height, +figure, position, age, and, remember it, your _means_ require. It is to +be clothed without peculiarity, pretension, or eccentricity; without +violent colors, elaborate ornament, or senseless fashions, introduced, +often, by tailors for their own profit. Good dressing is to wear as +little jewelry as possible, to be scrupulously neat, clean, and fresh, +and to carry your clothes as if you did not give them a thought. + +"Then, too, there is a scale of honor among clothes, which must not be +forgotten. Thus, a new coat is more honorable than an old one, a +cut-away or shooting-coat than a dressing-gown, a frock-coat than a +cut-away, a dark blue frock-coat than a black frock-coat, a tail-coat +than a frock-coat. There is no honor at all in a blue tail-coat, +however, except on a gentleman of eighty, accompanied with brass buttons +and a buff waistcoat. There is more honor in an old hunting-coat than in +a new one, in a uniform with a bullet hole in it than one without, in a +fustian jacket and smock-frock than in a frock-coat, because they are +types of labor, which is far more honorable than lounging. Again, light +clothes are generally placed above dark ones, because they cannot be so +long worn, and are, therefore, proofs of expenditure, _alias_ money, +which in this world is a commodity more honored than every other; but, +on the other hand, tasteful dress is always more honorable than that +which has only cost much. Light gloves are more esteemed than dark ones, +and the prince of glove-colors is, undeniably, lavender. + +"'I should say Jones was a fast man,' said a friend to me one day, 'for +he wears a white hat.' If this idea of my companion's be right, fastness +may be said to consist mainly in peculiarity. There is certainly only +one step from the sublimity of fastness to the ridiculousness of +snobbery, and it is not always easy to say where the one ends and the +other begins. A dandy, on the other hand, is the clothes on a man, not a +man in clothes, a living lay figure who displays much dress, and is +quite satisfied if you praise it without taking heed of him. A bear is +in the opposite extreme; never dressed enough, and always very roughly; +but he is almost as bad as the other, for he sacrifices everything to +his ease and comfort. The off-hand style of dress only suits an off-hand +character. It was, at one time, the fashion to affect a certain +negligence, which was called poetic, and supposed to be the result of +genius. An ill-tied, if not positively untied cravat was a sure sign of +an unbridled imagination; and a waistcoat was held together by one +button only, as if the swelling soul in the wearer's bosom had burst all +the rest. If, in addition to this, the hair was unbrushed and curly, you +were certain of passing for a 'man of soul.' I should not recommend any +young gentleman to adopt this style, unless, indeed, he can mouth a +great deal, and has a good stock of quotations from the poets. It is of +no use to show me the clouds, unless I can positively see you in them, +and no amount of negligence in your dress and person will convince me +you are a genius, unless you produce an octavo volume of poems published +by yourself. I confess I am glad that the _neglige_ style, so common in +novels of ten years back, has been succeeded by neatness. What we want +is real ease in the clothes, and, for my part, I should rejoice to see +the Knickerbocker style generally adopted. + +"Besides the ordinary occasions treated of before, there are several +special occasions requiring a change of dress. Most of our sports, +together with marriage (which some people include in sports), come under +this head. Now, the less change we make the better in the present day, +particularly in the sports, where, if we are dressed with scrupulous +accuracy, we are liable to be subjected to a comparison between our +clothes and our skill. A man who wears a red coat to hunt in, should be +able to hunt, and not sneak through gates or dodge over gaps. A few +remarks on dresses worn in different sports may be useful. Having laid +down the rule that a strict accuracy of sporting costume is no longer in +good taste, we can dismiss shooting and fishing at once, with the +warning that we must not dress _well_ for either. An old coat with large +pockets, gaiters in one case, and, if necessary, large boots in the +other, thick shoes at any rate, a wide-awake, and a well-filled bag or +basket at the end of the day, make up a most respectable sportsman of +the lesser kind. Then for cricket you want nothing more unusual than +flannel trousers, which should be quite plain, unless your club has +adopted some colored stripe thereon, a colored flannel shirt of no very +violent hue, the same colored cap, shoes with spikes in them, and a +great coat. + +"For hunting, lastly, you have to make more change, if only to insure +your own comfort and safety. Thus cord-breeches and some kind of boots +are indispensable. So are spurs, so a hunting-whip or crop; so too, if +you do not wear a hat, is the strong round cap that is to save your +valuable skull from cracking if you are thrown on your head. Again, I +should pity the man who would attempt to hunt in a frock-coat or a +dress-coat; and a scarf with a pin in it is much more convenient than a +tie. But beyond these you need nothing out of the common way, but a +pocketful of money. The red coat, for instance, is only worn by regular +members of a hunt, and boys who ride over the hounds and like to display +their 'pinks.' In any case you are better with an ordinary riding-coat +of dark color, though undoubtedly the red is prettier in the field. If +you _will_ wear the latter, see that it is cut square, for the +swallow-tail is obsolete, and worn only by the fine old boys who +'hunted, sir, fifty years ago, sir, when I was a boy of fifteen, sir. +Those _were_ hunting days, sir; such runs and such leaps.' Again, your +'cords' should be light in color and fine in quality; your waistcoat, if +with a red coat, quite light too; your scarf of cashmere, of a buff +color, and fastened with a small simple gold pin; your hat should be +old, and your cap of dark green or black velvet, plated inside, and with +a small stiff peak, should be made to look old. Lastly, for a choice of +boots. The Hessians are more easily cleaned, and therefore less +expensive to keep; the 'tops' are more natty. Brummell, who cared more +for the hunting-dress than the hunting itself, introduced the fashion of +pipe-claying the tops of the latter, but the old original 'mahoganies,' +of which the upper leathers are simply polished, seem to be coming into +fashion again." + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MANLY EXERCISES. + + +Bodily exercise is one of the most important means provided by nature +for the maintenance of health, and in order to prove the advantages of +exercise, we must show what is to be exercised, why exercise is +necessary, and the various modes in which it may be taken. + +The human body may be regarded as a wonderful machine, the various parts +of which are so wonderfully adapted to each other, that if one be +disturbed all must suffer. The bones and muscles are the parts of the +human frame on which motion depends. There are four hundred muscles in +the body; each one has certain functions to perform, which cannot be +disturbed without danger to the whole. They assist the tendons in +keeping the bones in their places, and put them in motion. Whether we +walk or run, sit or stoop, bend the arm or head, or chew our food, we +may be said to open and shut a number of hinges, or ball and socket +joints. And it is a wise provision of nature, that, to a certain extent, +the more the muscles are exercised, the stronger do they become; hence +it is that laborers and artisans are stronger and more muscular than +those persons whose lives are passed in easy occupations or +professional duties. + +Besides strengthening the limbs, muscular exercise has a most beneficial +influence on respiration and the circulation of the blood. The larger +blood-vessels are generally placed deep among the muscles, consequently +when the latter are put into motion, the blood is driven through the +arteries and veins with much greater rapidity than when there is no +exercise; it is more completely purified, as the action of the +insensible perspiration is promoted, which relieves the blood of many +irritating matters, chiefly carbonic acid and certain salts, taken up in +its passage through the system, and a feeling of lightness and +cheerfulness is diffused over body and mind. + +We have said that a good state of health depends in a great measure on +the proper exercise of _all the muscles_. But on looking at the greater +portion of our industrial population,--artisans and workers in factories +generally--we find them, in numerous instances, standing or sitting in +forced or unnatural positions, using only a few of their muscles, while +the others remain, comparatively speaking, unused or inactive. Sawyers, +filers, tailors, and many others may be easily recognized as they walk +the streets, by the awkward movement and bearing impressed upon them by +long habit. The stooping position especially tells most fatally upon the +health; weavers, shoemakers, and cotton-spinners have generally a sallow +and sickly appearance, very different from that of those whose +occupation does not require them to stoop, or to remain long in a +hurtful posture. Their common affections are indigestion and dull +headache, with giddiness especially during summer. They attribute their +complaints to two causes, one of which is the posture of the body, bent +for twelve or thirteen hours a day, the other the heat of the +working-room. + +Besides the trades above enumerated, there are many others productive of +similar evils by the position into which they compel workmen, or by the +close and confined places in which they are carried on; and others, +again, in their very natures injurious. Plumbers and painters suffer +from the noxious materials which they are constantly using, grinders and +filers from dust, and bakers from extremes of temperature and irregular +hours. Wherever there is physical depression, there is a disposition to +resort to injurious stimulants; and "the time of relief from work is +generally spent, not in invigorating the animal frame, but in +aggravating complaints, and converting functional into organic disease." + +But there are others who suffer from artificial poisons and defective +exercise as well as artisans and operatives--the numerous class of +shopkeepers; the author above quoted says, "Week after week passes +without affording them one pure inspiration. Often, also, they have not +exercise even in the open air of the town; a furlong's walk to church on +Sunday being the extent of their rambles. When they have the opportunity +they want the inclination for exercise. The father is anxious about his +trade or his family, the mother is solicitous about her children. Each +has little taste for recreation or amusement." The various disorders, +generally known under the name of indigestion, disorders dependant on a +want of circulation of blood through the bowels, biliary derangements, +and headache, are well known to be the general attendants on trade, +closely pursued. Indeed, in almost every individual, this absorbing +principle produces one or other of the various maladies to which I have +alluded. + +The great remedy for the evils here pointed out is bodily exercise, of +some kind, every day, and as much as possible in the open air. An +opinion prevails that an occasional walk is sufficient to maintain the +balance of health; but if the intervals of inaction be too long, the +good effect of one walk is lost before another is taken. Regularity and +sufficiency are to be as much regarded in exercise as in eating or +sleeping. Sir James Clark says, that "the exercise which is to benefit +the system generally, must be in the open air, and extend to the whole +muscular system. Without regular exercise out of doors, no young person +can continue long healthy; and it is the duty of parents in fixing their +children at boarding schools to ascertain that sufficient time is +occupied daily in this way. They may be assured that attention to this +circumstance is quite as essential to the moral and physical health of +their children, as any branch of education which they may be taught." + +Exercise, however, must be regulated by certain rules, the principal of +which is, to avoid carrying it to excess--to proportion it always to the +state of health and habit of the individual. Persons of short breath +predisposed to determination of blood to the head, subject to +palpitation of the heart, or general weakness, are not to believe that a +course of severe exercise will do them good; on the contrary, many +serious results often follow over-fatigue. For the same reason it is +desirable to avoid active exertion immediately after a full meal, as the +foundation of heart diseases is sometimes laid by leaping or running +after eating. The great object should be so to blend exercise and +repose, as to ensure the highest possible amount of bodily vigor. It +must be recollected that exhausted muscles can be restored only by the +most perfect rest. + +In the next place, it is a mistake to consider the labor of the day as +equivalent to exercise. Work, generally speaking, is a mere routine +process, carried on with but little variety of circumstances, in a +confined atmosphere, and in a temperature frequently more exhaustive +than restorative. The workman requires something more than this to keep +him in health; he must have exercise as often as possible in the open +air,--in fields, parks, or pleasure grounds; but if these are not at his +command, the streets of the town are always open to him, and a walk in +these is better than no walk at all. The mere change of scene is +beneficial, and in walking he generally sets in motion a different set +of muscles from those he has used while at work. + +To derive the greatest amount of good from exercise, it must be combined +with amusement, and be made pleasureable and recreative. This important +fact ought never to be lost sight of, since to ignorance of it alone we +owe many of the evils which afflict society. And it would be well if +those who have been accustomed to look on social amusements as +destructive of the morals of the people, would consider how much good +may be done by giving the mind a direction which, while promotive of +health, would fill it with cheerfulness and wean it from debasing +habits. The character of our sports at the present time, partake but +little of the robust and boisterous spirit of our forefathers; but with +the refinement of amusements, the opportunity for enjoying them has been +grievously diminished. Cheering signs of a better state of things are, +however, visible in many quarters, and we trust that the good work will +be carried on until the whole of our population shall be in possession +of the means and leisure for pleasurable recreation. + +While indulging in the recreative sports which are to restore and +invigorate us, we must be mindful of the many points of etiquette and +kindness which will do much, if properly attended to, to promote the +enjoyment of our exercise, and we propose to review the principal +exercises used among us, and to point out in what places the delicate +and gentlemanly attention to our companions will do the most to +establish, for the person who practices them, the reputation of a +polished gentleman. + + +RIDING. + +There are no amusements, probably, which give us so wide a scope for the +rendering of attention to a friend as riding and driving. Accompanied, +as we may be at any time, by timid companions, the power to convince +them, by the management of the horse we ride, and the watch kept at the +same time on theirs, that we are competent to act the part of companion +and guardian, will enable us to impart to them a great degree of +reliance on us, and will, by lessening their fear do much to enhance +the enjoyment of the excursion. + +With ladies, in particular, a horseman cannot be too careful to display +a regard for the fears of their companions, and by a constant watch on +all the horses in the cavalcade, to show at once his ability and +willingness to assist his companions. + +There are few persons, comparatively speaking, even among those who ride +often, who can properly assist a lady in mounting her horse. An +over-anxiety to help a lady as gracefully as possible, generally results +in a nervous trembling effort which is exceedingly disagreeable to the +lady, and, at the same time, dangerous; for were the horse to shy or +start, he could not be so easily quieted by a nervous man as by one who +was perfectly cool. In the mount the lady must gather her skirt into her +left hand, and stand close to the horse, her face toward his head, and +her right hand resting on the pommel. The gentleman, having asked +permission to assist her, stands at the horse's shoulder, facing the +lady, and stooping low, he places his right hand at a proper elevation +from the ground. The lady then places her left foot on the gentleman's +palm, and as he raises his hand she springs slightly on her right foot, +and thus reaches the saddle. The gentleman must not jerk his hand +upward, but lift it with a gentle motion. This method of mounting is +preferable to a step or horse-block. Keep a _firm_ hand, for a sinking +foot-hold will diminish the confidence of a lady in her escort, and, in +many cases cause her unnecessary alarm while mounting. To any one who is +likely to be called on to act as cavalier to ladies in horse-back +excursions, we would recommend the following practice: Saddle a horse +with a side saddle, and ask a gentleman friend to put on the skirt of a +lady's habit, and with him, practice the mounting and dismounting until +you have thoroughly conquered any difficulties you may have experienced +at first. + +After the seat is first taken by the lady, the gentleman should always +stand at the side of the lady's horse until she is firmly fixed in the +saddle, has a good foot-hold on the stirrup, and has the reins and whip +well in hand. Having ascertained that his companion is firmly and +comfortably fixed in the saddle, the gentleman should mount his horse +and take his riding position on the right or "off" side of the lady's +horse, so that, in case of the horse's shying in such a way as to bring +him against the other horse, the lady will suffer no inconvenience. In +riding with two ladies there are two rules in regard to the gentleman's +position. + +If both ladies are good riders, they should ride side by side, the +ladies to the left; but, if the contrary should be the case, the +gentleman should ride _between_ the ladies in order to be ready in a +moment to assist either in case of one of the horses becoming difficult +to manage. Before allowing a lady to mount, the entire furniture of her +horse should be carefully examined by her escort. The saddle and girths +should be tested to see if they are firm, the stirrup leather examined, +in case of the tongue of the buckle being in danger of slipping out by +not being well buckled at first, and most particularly the bridle, curb, +headstall, and reins should be carefully and thoroughly examined, for on +them depends the entire control of the horse. These examinations should +_never_ be left to the stablehelps, as the continual harnessing of +horses by them often leads to a loose and careless way of attending to +such matters, which, though seemingly trivial, may lead to serious +consequences. + +On the road, the constant care of the gentleman should be to render the +ride agreeable to his companion, by the pointing out of objects of +interest with which she may not be acquainted, the reference to any +peculiar beauty of landscape which may have escaped her notice, and a +general lively tone of conversation, which will, if she be timid, draw +her mind from the fancied dangers of horseback riding, and render her +excursion much more agreeable than if she be left to imagine horrors +whenever her horse may prick up his ears or whisk his tail. And, while +thus conversing, keep an eye always on the lady's horse, so that in case +he should really get frightened, you may be ready by your instruction +and assistance to aid the lady in quieting his fears. + +In dismounting you should offer your right hand to the lady's left, and +allow her to use _your_ left as a step to dismount on, gently declining +it as soon as the lady has left her seat on the saddle, and just before +she springs. Many ladies spring from the saddle, but this generally +confuses the gentleman and is dangerous to the lady, for the horse _may_ +move at the instant she springs, which would inevitably throw her +backward and might result in a serious injury. + + +DRIVING. + +In the indulgence of this beautiful pastime there are many points of +care and attention to be observed; they will render to the driver +himself much gratification by the confidence they will inspire in his +companion, by having the knowledge that he or she is being driven by a +careful horseman, and thus knowing that half of what danger may attend +the pleasure, is removed. + +On reaching the door of your companion's residence, whom we will suppose +to be in this case a lady,--though the same attention may well be +extended to a gentleman,--drive close to the mounting-block or curb, and +by heading your horse toward the middle of the road, and slightly +backing the wagon, separate the fore and hind wheels on the side next +the block as much as possible. This gives room for the lady to ascend +into the wagon without soiling her dress by rubbing against either tire, +and also gives the driver room to lean over and tuck into the wagon any +part of a lady's dress that may hang out after she is seated. + +In assisting the lady to ascend into the wagon, the best and safest way +is to tie the horse firmly to a hitching-post or tree, and then to give +to your companion the aid of both your hands; but, in case of there +being no post to which you can make the rein fast, the following rule +may be adopted: + +Grasp the reins firmly with one hand, and draw them just tight enough to +let the horse feel that they are held, and with the other hand assist +the lady; under _no_ circumstances, even with the most quiet horse, +should you place a lady in your vehicle without _any_ hold on the horse, +for, although many horses would stand perfectly quiet, the whole race of +them are timid, and any sudden noise or motion may start them, in which +case the life of your companion may be endangered. In the light _no-top_ +or _York_ wagon, which is now used almost entirely for pleasure drives, +the right hand cushion should always be higher by three or four inches +than the left, for it raises the person driving, thus giving him more +control, and renders the lady's seat more comfortable and more safe. It +is a mistaken idea, in driving, that it shows a perfect horseman, to +drive fast. On the contrary, a _good_ horseman is more careful of his +horse than a poor one, and in starting, the horse is always allowed to +go slowly for time; as he gradually takes up a quicker pace, and becomes +warmed up; the driver may push him even to the top of his speed for some +distance, always, however, allowing him to slacken his pace toward the +end of his drive, and to come to the stopping-place at a moderate gait. + +Endeavor, by your conversation on the road, to make the ride agreeable +to your companion. Never try to _show off_ your driving, but remember, +that there is no one who drives with so much apparent ease and so little +display as the professional jockey, who, as he devotes his life to the +management of the reins, may well be supposed to be the most thoroughly +good "whip." + +In helping the lady out of the wagon, the same rule must be observed as +in the start; namely, to have your horse well in hand or firmly tied. +Should your companion be a gentleman and a horseman, the courtesy is +always to offer him the reins, though the offer, if made to yourself by +another with whom you are riding, should always be declined; unless, +indeed, the horse should be particularly "hard-mouthed" and your +friend's arms should be tired, in which case you should relieve him. + +Be especially careful in the use of the whip, that it may not spring +back outside of the vehicle and strike your companion. This rule should +be particularly attended to in driving "tandem" or "four-in-hand," as a +cut with a heavy tandem-whip is by no means a pleasant accompaniment to +your drive. + + +BOXING. + +In this much-abused accomplishment, there would, from the rough nature +of the sport, seem to be small room for civility; yet, in none of the +many manly sports is there so great a scope for the exercise of +politeness as in this. Should your adversary be your inferior in boxing, +there are many ways to teach him and encourage him in his pursuit of +proficiency, without knocking him about as if your desire was to injure +him as much as possible. And you will find that his gratitude for your +forbearance will prompt him to exercise the same indulgence to others +who are inferior to himself, and thus by the exchange of gentlemanly +civility the science of boxing is divested of one of its most +objectionable points, viz: the danger of the combatants becoming angry +and changing the sport to a brutal fight. + +Always allow your antagonist to choose his gloves from the set, though, +if you recommend _any_ to him, let him take the hardest ones and you the +softest; thus he will receive the easier blows. Allow him the choice of +ground and position, and endeavor in every way to give him the utmost +chance. In this way, even if you should be worsted in the game, your +kindness and courtesy to him will be acknowledged by any one who may be +with you, and by no one more readily than your antagonist himself. These +same rules apply to the art of fencing, the most graceful and beautiful +of exercises. Let your opponent have his choice of the foils and +sword-gloves, give him the best position for light, and in your thrusts +remember that to make a "hit" does not require you to force your foil as +violently as you can against your antagonist's breast; but, that every +touch will show if your foils be chalked and the one who has the most +"spots" at the end of the encounter is the beaten man. + + +SAILING. + +Within a few years there has been a most decided movement in favor of +aquatic pursuits. Scarcely a town can be found, near the sea or on the +bank of a river but what can either furnish a yacht or a barge. In all +our principal cities the "navies" of yachts and barges number many +boats. The barge clubs particularly are well-fitted with active, healthy +men, who can appreciate the physical benefit of a few hours' work at the +end of a sixteen-foot sweep, and who prefer health and blistered hands +to a life of fashionable and unhealthy amusement. Under the head of +sailing we will give some hints of etiquette as to sailing and rowing +together. A gentleman will never parade his superiority in these +accomplishments, still less boast of it, but rather, that the others may +not feel their inferiority, he will keep considerably within his powers. +If a guest or a stranger be of the party, the best place must be offered +to him, though he may be a bad oar; but, at the same time, if a guest +knows his inferiority in this respect, he will, for more reasons than +one, prefer an inferior position. So, too, when a certain amount of +exertion is required, as in boating, a well-bred man will offer to take +the greater share, pull the heaviest oar, and will never shirk his work. +In short, the whole rule of good manners on such occasions is not to be +selfish, and the most amiable man will therefore be the best bred. It is +certainly desirable that a gentleman should be able to handle an oar, or +to steer and work a yacht, both that when he has an opportunity he may +acquire health, and that he may be able to take part in the charming +excursions which are made by water. One rule should apply to all these +aquatic excursions, and that is, that the gentleman who invites the +ladies, should there be any, and who is, therefore, at the trouble of +getting up the party, should always be allowed to steer the boat, unless +he decline the post, for he has the advantage of more intimate +acquaintance with the ladies, whom he will have to entertain on the +trip, and the post of honor should be given him as a compliment to his +kindness in undertaking the preliminaries. + + +HUNTING. + +Gentlemen residing in the country, and keeping a stable, are generally +ready to join the hunt club. We are gradually falling into the English +sports and pastimes. Cricket, boxing, and hunting, are being more and +more practiced every year, and our horsemen and pugilists aspire to +conquer those of Britain, when a few years back, to attempt such a thing +would have been considered folly. In this country the organization of +hunt-clubs is made as much to rid the country of the foxes as to enjoy +the sport. We differ much from the Britons in our hunting; we have often +a hilly dangerous country, with high worm and post-and-rail fences +crossing it, deep streams with precipitous sides and stony ground to +ride over. We hunt in cold weather when the ground is frozen hard, and +we take everything as it is, hills, fences, streams, and hedges, risking +our necks innumerable times in a hunt. In England the hunters have a +flat country, fences which do not compare to ours in height, and they +hunt _after_ a frost when the ground is soft. + +Our hunting field at the "meet" does not show the gaudy equipment and +top-boots of England, but the plain dress of the gentleman farmer, +sometimes a blue coat and jockey-cap, but oftener the every-day coat and +felt hat, but the etiquette of our hunting field is more observed than +in England. There any one joins the meet, if it is a large one, but here +no one enters the field unless acquainted with one or more of the +gentlemen on the ground. The rules in the hunt are few and simple. Never +attempt to hunt unless you have a fine seat in the saddle and a good +horse, and never accept the loan of a friend's horse, still less an +enemy's, unless you ride very well. A man may forgive you for breaking +his daughter's heart but never for breaking his hunter's neck. Another +point is, always to be quiet at a meet, and never join one unless +acquainted with some one in the field. Pluck, skill, and a good horse +are essentials in hunting. Never talk of your achievements, avoid +enthusiastic shouting when you break cover, and do not ride over the +hounds. Keep a firm hand, a quick eye, an easy, calm frame of mind, and +a good, firm seat on the saddle. Watch the country you are going over, +be always ready to help a friend who may "come to grief," and with the +rules and the quiet demeanor you will soon be a favorite in the field. + + +SKATING. + +Though we may, in the cold winter, sigh for the return of spring +breezes, and look back with regret on the autumn sports, or even the +heat of summer, there is yet a balm for our frozen spirits in the +glorious and exhilarating sports of winter. The sleigh filled with +laughing female beauties and "beauties," too, of the sterner sex, and +the merry jingle of the bells as we fly along the road or through the +streets, are delights of which Old Winter alone is the giver. But, +pleasant as the sleigh-ride is, the man who looks for health and +exercise at all seasons, turns from the seductive pleasures of the +sleigh to the more simple enjoyment derived from the skates. Flying +along over the glistening ice to the accompaniment of shouts of merry +laughter at some novice's mishap, and feeling that we have within us the +speed of the race-horse, the icy pleasure is, indeed, a good substitute +for the pleasures of the other seasons. + +So universal has skating become, that instruction in this graceful +accomplishment seems almost unnecessary; but, for the benefit of the +rising generation who may peruse our work, we will give, from a +well-known authority, a few hints as to the manner of using the skates +before we add our own instruction as to the etiquette of the skating +ground. + +"Before going on the ice, the young skater must learn to put on the +skates, and may also learn to walk with them easily in a room, +balancing, alternately, on each foot. A skater's dress should be as +loose and unincumbered as possible. All fullness of dress is exposed to +the wind. As the exercise of skating produces perspiration, flannel next +the chest, shoulders, and loins, is necessary to avoid the evils of +sudden chills in cold weather. + +"Either very rough or very smooth ice should be avoided. The person who, +for the first time, attempts to skate, must not trust to a stick. He may +take a friend's hand for support, if he requires one; but that should be +soon relinquished, in order to balance himself. He will, probably, +scramble about for half an hour or so, till he begins to find out where +the edge of his skate is. The beginner must be fearless, but not +violent; nor even in a hurry. He should not let his feet get apart, and +keep his heels still nearer together. He must keep the ankle of the foot +on the ice quite firm; not attempting to gain the edge of the skate by +bending it, because the right mode of getting to either edge is by the +inclination of the whole body in the direction required; and this +inclination should be made fearlessly and decisively. The leg which is +on the ice should be kept perfectly straight; for, though the knee must +be somewhat bent at the time of striking, it must be straightened as +quickly as possible without any jerk. The leg which is off the ice +should also be kept straight, though not stiff, having an easy but +straight play, the toe pointing downwards, and the heel from six to +twelve inches of the other. + +"The learner must not look down at the ice, nor at his feet, to see how +they perform. He may, at first, incline his body a little forward, for +safety, but hold his head up, and see where he goes, his person erect +and his face rather elevated than otherwise. + +"When once off, he must bring both feet up together, and strike again, +as soon as he finds himself steady enough, rarely allowing both feet to +be on the ice together. The position of the arms should be easy and +varied; one being always more raised than the other, this elevation +being alternate, and the change corresponding to that of the legs; that +is, the right arm being raised as the right leg is put down, and _vice +versa_, so that the arm and leg of the same side may not be raised +together. The face must be always turned in the direction of the line +intended to be described. Hence in backward skating, the head will be +inclined much over the shoulder; in forward skating, but slightly. All +sudden and violent action must be avoided. Stopping may be caused by +slightly bending the knees, drawing the feet together, inclining the +body forward, and pressing on the heels. It may be also caused by +turning short to the right or left, the foot on the side to which we +turn being rather more advanced, and supporting part of the weight."[A] + +[A] Walker's Manly Exercises. + +When on the ice, if you should get your skates on before your companion, +always wait for him; for, nothing is more disagreeable than being left +behind on an occasion of this kind. Be ready at all times when skating +to render assistance to any one, either lady or gentleman, who may +require it. A _gentleman_ may be distinguished at all times by the +willingness with which he will give up his sport to render himself +agreeable and kind to any one in difficulty. Should you have one of the +skating-sleds so much used for taking ladies on the ice, and should your +own ladies, if you are accompanied by any, not desire to use it, the +most becoming thing you can do is to place it at the disposal of any +other gentleman who has ladies with him, and who is not provided with +such a conveyance. + +Always keep to the right in meeting a person on the ice, and always +skate perfectly clear of the line in which a lady is advancing, whether +she be on skates or on foot. Attention to the other sex is no where more +appreciated than on the ice, where they are, unless good skaters, +comparatively helpless. Be always prompt to assist in the extrication of +any one who may break through the ice, but let your zeal be tempered by +discretion, and always get a rope or ladder if possible, in preference +to going near the hole; for there is great risk of your breaking through +yourself, and endangering your own life without being able to assist the +person already submerged. But should the rope or ladder not be +convenient, the best method is to lay flat on your breast on the ice, +and push yourself cautiously along until you can touch the person's +hand, and then let him climb by it out of the hole. + + +SWIMMING. + +So few persons are unable to swim, that it would be useless for us to +furnish any instruction in the actual art of swimming; but a few words +on the subject of assisting others while in the water may not come +amiss. + +It is a desirable accomplishment to be able to swim in a suit of +clothes. This may be practiced by good swimmers, cautiously at first, in +comparatively shallow water, and afterwards in deeper places. Occasions +may frequently occur where it may be necessary to plunge into the water +to save a drowning person, where the lack of time, or the presence of +ladies, would preclude all possibility of removing the clothes. There +are few points of etiquette in swimming, except those of giving all the +assistance in our power to beginners, and to remember the fact of our +being gentlemen, though the sport may be rough when we are off _terra +firma_. We shall therefore devote this section of our exercise +department to giving a few general directions as to supporting drowning +persons, which support is, after all, the most valued attention we can +render to any one. + +If possible, always go to save a life in company with one or two others. +One companion is generally sufficient, but two will do no harm, for, if +the service of the second be not required, he can easily swim back to +shore. On reaching the object of your pursuit, if he be clinging to +anything, caution him, as you approach, to hold it until you tell him to +let go, and then to let his arms fall to his side. Then let one of your +companions place his hand under the armpit of the person to be assisted, +and you doing the like, call to him to let go his support, then tread +water until you get his arms on the shoulders of your companion and +yourself, and then swim gently to shore. Should you be alone, the utmost +you can do is to let him hold his support while you tread water near him +until further assistance can be obtained. If you are alone and he has no +support, let him rest one arm across your shoulder, put one of your arms +behind his back, and the hand under his armpit, and tread water until +help arrives. Never let a man in these circumstances _grasp_ you in any +way, particularly if he be frightened, for you may both be drowned; but, +try to cool and reassure him by the intrepidity of your own movements, +and he will be safely and easily preserved. + + +CRICKET. + +When in the cricket-field, we must allow ourselves to enter into the +full spirit of the game; but we must not allow the excitement of the +play to make us forget what is due to others and to ourselves. A gentle, +easy, and, at the same time, gentlemanly manner, may be assumed. Always +offer to your companions the use of your private bat, if they are not +similarly provided; for the bats belonging to the club often lose the +spring in the handle from constant use, and a firm bat with a good +spring will prove very acceptable. In this way you gratify the player, +and, as a reward for your kindness, he may, from being well provided, +score more for the side than he would with inferior or worn-out tools. + +This game is more purely democratic than any one we know of, and the +most aristocratic of gentlemen takes second rank, for the time, to the +most humble cricketer, if the latter be the more skillful. But a good +player is not always a gentleman, and the difference in cultivation may +always be distinguished. A _gentleman_ will never deride any one for his +bad play, nor give vent to oaths, or strong epithets, if disappointed in +the playing of one of his side. If he has to ask another player for +anything, he does so in a way to establish his claim to gentility. "May +I trouble you for that ball?" or, "Will you please to hand me that bat?" +are much preferable to "Here, you! ball there!" or, "Clumsy, don't carry +off that bat!" Again, if a gentleman makes a mistake himself, he should +always acknowledge it quietly, and never start a stormy discussion as to +the merits of his batting or fielding. In fine, preserve the same calm +demeanor in the field that you would in the parlor, however deeply you +enter into the excitement of the game. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +TRAVELING. + + +In this country where ladies travel so much alone, a gentleman has many +opportunities of making this unprotected state a pleasant one. There are +many little courtesies which you may offer to a lady when traveling, +even if she is an entire stranger to you, and by an air of respectful +deference, you may place her entirely at her ease with you, even if you +are both young. + +When traveling with a lady, your duties commence when you are presented +to her as an escort. If she is personally a stranger, she will probably +meet you at the wharf or car depot; but if an old acquaintance, you +should offer to call for her at her residence. Take a hack, and call, +leaving ample time for last speeches and farewell tears. If she hands +you her purse to defray her expenses, return it to her if you stop for +any length of time at a place where she may wish to make purchases. If +you make no stop upon your journey, keep the purse until you arrive at +your destination, and then return it. If she does not give you the money +for her expenses when you start, you had best pay them yourself, keeping +an account, and she will repay you at the journey's end. + +When you start, select for your companion the pleasantest seat, see that +her shawl and bag are within her reach, the window lowered or raised as +she may prefer, and then leave her to attend to the baggage, or, if you +prefer, let her remain in the hack while you get checks for the trunks. +Never keep a lady standing upon the wharf or in the depot, whilst you +arrange the baggage. + +When you arrive at a station, place your lady in a hack while you get +the trunks. + +When arriving at a hotel, escort your companion to the parlor, and leave +her there whilst you engage rooms. As soon as her room is ready, escort +her to the door, and leave her, as she will probably wish to change her +dress or lie down, after the fatigue of traveling. If you remain +chatting in the parlor, although she may be too polite to give any sign +of weariness, you may feel sure she is longing to go to a room where she +can bathe her face and smooth her hair. + +If you remain in the hotel to any meal, ask before you leave her, at +what hour she wishes to dine, sup, or breakfast, and at that hour, knock +at her door, and escort her to the table. + +If you remain in the city at which her journey terminates, you should +call the day after your arrival upon the companion of your journey. If, +previous to that journey, you have never met her, she has the privilege +of continuing the acquaintance or not as she pleases, so if all your +gallantry is repaid by a cut the next time you meet her, you must +submit, and hope for better luck next time. In such a case, you are at +liberty to decline escorting her again should the request be made. + +When traveling alone, your opportunities to display your gallantry will +be still more numerous. To offer to carry a bag for a lady who is +unattended, to raise or lower a window for her, offer to check her +baggage, procure her a hack, give her your arm from car to boat or boat +to car, assist her children over the bad crossings, or in fact extend +any such kindness, will mark you as a gentleman, and win you the thanks +due to your courtesy. Be careful however not to be too attentive, as you +then become officious, and embarrass when you mean to please. + +If you are going to travel in other countries, in Europe, especially, I +would advise you to study the languages, before you attempt to go +abroad. French is the tongue you will find most useful in Europe, as it +is spoken in the courts, and amongst diplomatists; but, in order fully +to enjoy a visit to any country, you must speak the language of that +country. You can then visit in the private houses, see life among the +peasantry, go with confidence from village to town, from city to city, +learning more of the country in one day from familiar intercourse with +the natives, than you would learn in a year from guide books or the +explanations of your courier. The way to really enjoy a journey through +a strange land, is not to roll over the high ways in your carriage, stop +at the hotels, and be led to the points of interest by your guide, but +to shoulder your knapsack, or take up your valise, and make a pedestrian +tour through the hamlets and villages. Take a room at a hotel in the +principal cities if you will, and see all that your guide book commands +you to seek, and then start on your own tour of investigation, and +believe me you will enjoy your independent walks and chats with the +villagers and peasants, infinitely more than your visits dictated by +others. Of course, to enjoy this mode of traveling, you must have some +knowledge of the language, and if you start with only a very slight +acquaintance with it, you will be surprised to find how rapidly you will +acquire the power to converse, when you are thus forced to speak in that +language, or be entirely silent. + +Your pocket, too, will be the gainer by the power to arrange your own +affairs. If you travel with a courier and depend upon him to arrange +your hotel bills and other matters, you will be cheated by every one, +from the boy who blacks your boots, to the magnificent artist, who +undertakes to fill your picture gallery with the works of the "old +masters." If Murillo, Raphael, and Guido could see the pictures brought +annually to this country as genuine works of their pencils, we are +certain that they would tear their ghostly hair, wring their shadowy +hands, and return to the tomb again in disgust. Ignorant of the language +of the country you are visiting, you will be swindled in the little +villages and the large cities by the inn-keepers and the hack-drivers, +in the country and in the town, morning, noon, and evening, daily, +hourly, and weekly; so, again I say, study the languages if you propose +going abroad. + +In a foreign country nothing stamps the difference between the gentleman +and the clown more strongly than the regard they pay to foreign +customs. While the latter will exclaim against every strange dress or +dish, and even show signs of disgust if the latter does not please him, +the former will endeavor, as far as is in his power, to "do in Rome as +Romans do." + +Accustom yourself, as soon as possible, to the customs of the nation +which you are visiting, and, as far as you can without any violation of +principle, follow them. You will add much to your own comfort by so +doing, for, as you cannot expect the whole nation to conform to your +habits, the sooner you fall in with theirs the sooner you will feel at +home in the strange land. + +Never ridicule or blame any usage which seems to you ludicrous or wrong. +You may wound those around you, or you may anger them, and it cannot add +to the pleasure of your visit to make yourself unpopular. If in Germany +they serve your meat upon marmalade, or your beef raw, or in Italy give +you peas in their pods, or in France offer you frog's legs and +horsesteaks, if you cannot eat the strange viands, make no remarks and +repress every look or gesture of disgust. Try to adapt your taste to the +dishes, and if you find that impossible, remove those articles you +cannot eat from your plate, and make your meal upon the others, but do +this silently and quietly, endeavoring not to attract attention. + +The best travelers are those who can eat cats in China, oil in +Greenland, frogs in France, and maccaroni in Italy; who can smoke a +meershaum in Germany, ride an elephant in India, shoot partridges in +England, and wear a turban in Turkey; in short, in every nation adapt +their habits, costume, and taste to the national manners, dress and +dishes. + +Do not, when abroad, speak continually in praise of your own country, or +disparagingly of others. If you find others are interested in gaining +information about America, speak candidly and freely of its customs, +scenery, or products, but not in a way that will imply a contempt of +other countries. To turn up your nose at the Thames because the +Mississippi is longer and wider, or to sneer at _any_ object because you +have seen its superior at home, is rude, ill-bred, and in excessively +bad taste. You will find abroad numerous objects of interest which +America cannot parallel, and while abroad, you will do well to avoid +mention of "our rivers," "our mountains," or, "our manufactories." You +will find ruins in Rome, pictures in Florence, cemeteries in France, and +factories in England, which will take the lead and challenge the world +to compete; and you will exhibit a far better spirit if you candidly +acknowledge that superiority, than if you make absurd and untrue +assertions of "our" power to excel them. + +You will, of course, meet with much to disapprove, much that will excite +your laughter; but control the one and keep silence about the other. If +you find fault, do so gently and quietly; if you praise, do so without +qualification, sincerely and warmly. + +Study well the geography of any country which you may visit, and, as far +as possible, its history also. You cannot feel much interest in +localities or monuments connected with history, if you are unacquainted +with the events which make them worthy of note. + +Converse with any who seem disposed to form an acquaintance. You may +thus pass an hour or two pleasantly, obtain useful information, and you +need not carry on the acquaintance unless you choose to do so. Amongst +the higher circles in Europe you will find many of the customs of each +nation in other nations, but it is among the peasants and the people +that you find the true nationality. + +You may carry with you one rule into every country, which is, that, +however much the inhabitants may object to your dress, language, or +habits, they will cheerfully acknowledge that the American stranger is +perfectly amiable and polite. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH. + + +It is not, in this book, a question, what you must believe, but how you +must act. If your conscience permits you to visit other churches than +your own, your first duty, whilst in them, is not to sneer or scoff at +any of its forms, and to follow the service as closely as you can. + +To remove your hat upon entering the edifice devoted to the worship of a +Higher Power, is a sign of respect never to be omitted. Many men will +omit in foreign churches this custom so expressive and touching, and by +the omission make others believe them irreverent and foolish, even +though they may act from mere thoughtlessness. If, however, you are in a +country where the head is kept covered, and another form of humility +adopted, you need not fear to follow the custom of those around you. You +will be more respected if you pay deference to their religious views, +than if you undertook to prove your superiority by affecting a contempt +for any form of worship. Enter with your thoughts fixed upon high and +holy subjects, and your face will show your devotion, even if you are +ignorant of the forms of that particular church. + +If you are with a lady, in a catholic church, offer her the holy water +with your hand ungloved, for, as it is in the intercourse with princes, +that church requires all the ceremonies to be performed with the bare +hand. + +Pass up the aisle with your companion until you reach the pew you are to +occupy, then step before her, open the door, and hold it open while she +enters the pew. Then follow her, closing the door after you. + +If you are visiting a strange church, request the sexton to give you a +seat. Never enter a pew uninvited. If you are in your own pew in church, +and see strangers looking for a place, open your pew door, invite them +by a motion to enter, and hold the door open for them, re-entering +yourself after they are seated. + +If others around you do not pay what you think a proper attention to the +services, do not, by scornful glances or whispered remarks, notice their +omissions. Strive, by your own devotion, to forget those near you. + +You may offer a book or fan to a stranger near you, if unprovided +themselves, whether they be young or old, lady or gentleman. + +Remain kneeling as long as those around you do so. Do not, if your own +devotion is not satisfied by your attitude, throw scornful glances upon +those who remain seated, or merely bow their heads. Above all never sign +to them, or speak, reminding them of the position most suitable for the +service. Keep your own position, but do not think you have the right to +dictate to others. I have heard young persons addressing, with words of +reproach, old men, and lame ones, whose infirmities forbade them to +kneel or stand in church, but who were, doubtless, as good Christians as +their presumptuous advisers. I know that it often is an effort to +remain silent when those in another pew talk incessantly in a low tone +or whisper, or sing in a loud tone, out of all time or tune, or read the +wrong responses in a voice of thunder; but, while you carefully avoid +such faults yourself, you must pass them over in others, without remark. + +If, when abroad, you visit a church to see the pictures or monuments +within its walls, and not for worship, choose the hours when there is no +service being read. Even if you are alone, or merely with a guide, speak +low, walk slowly, and keep an air of quiet respect in the edifice +devoted to the service of God. + +Let me here protest against an Americanism of which modest ladies justly +complain; it is that of gentlemen standing in groups round the doors of +churches both before and after service. A well-bred man will not indulge +in this practice; and, if detained upon the step by a friend, or, whilst +waiting for another person, he will stand aside and allow plenty of room +for others to pass in, and will never bring the blood into a woman's +face by a long, curious stare. + +In church, as in every other position in life, the most unselfish man is +the most perfect gentleman; so, if you wish to retain your position as a +well-bred man, you will, in a crowded church, offer your seat to any +lady, or old man, who may be standing. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +ONE HUNDRED HINTS FOR GENTLEMANLY DEPORTMENT. + + +1. Always avoid any rude or boisterous action, especially when in the +presence of ladies. It is not necessary to be stiff, indolent, or +sullenly silent, neither is perfect gravity always required, but if you +jest let it be with quiet, gentlemanly wit, never depending upon +clownish gestures for the effect of a story. Nothing marks the gentleman +so soon and so decidedly as quiet, refined ease of manner. + +2. Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring a bell, pick up a +handkerchief or glove she may have dropped, or, in short, perform any +service for herself which you can perform for her, when you are in the +room. By extending such courtesies to your mother, sisters, or other +members of your family, they become habitual, and are thus more +gracefully performed when abroad. + +3. Never perform any little service for another with a formal bow or +manner as if conferring a favor, but with a quiet gentlemanly ease as if +it were, not a ceremonious, unaccustomed performance, but a matter of +course, for you to be courteous. + +4. It is not necessary to tell _all_ that you know; that were mere +folly; but what a man says must be what he believes himself, else he +violates the first rule for a gentleman's speech--Truth. + +5. Avoid gambling as you would poison. Every bet made, even in the most +finished circles of society, is a species of gambling, and this ruinous +crime comes on by slow degrees. Whilst a man is minding his business, he +is playing the best game, and he is sure to win. You will be tempted to +the vice by those whom the world calls gentlemen, but you will find that +loss makes you angry, and an angry man is never a courteous one; gain +excites you to continue the pursuit of the vice; and, in the end you +will lose money, good name, health, good conscience, light heart, and +honesty; while you gain evil associates, irregular hours and habits, a +suspicious, fretful temper, and a remorseful, tormenting conscience. +Some one _must_ lose in the game; and, if you win it, it is at the risk +of driving a fellow creature to despair. + +6. Cultivate tact! In society it will be an invaluable aid. Talent is +something, but tact is everything. Talent is serious, sober, grave, and +respectable; tact is all that and more too. It is not a sixth sense, but +it is the life of all the five. It is the _open_ eye, the _quick_ ear, +the _judging_ taste, the _keen_ smell, and the _lively_ touch; it is the +interpreter of all riddles--the surmounter of all difficulties--the +remover of all obstacles. It is useful in all places, and at all times; +it is useful in solitude, for it shows a man his way _into_ the world; +it is useful in society, for it shows him his way _through_ the world. +Talent is power--tact is skill; talent is weight--tact is momentum; +talent knows what to do--tact knows how to do it; talent makes a man +respectable--tact will make him respected; talent is wealth--tact is +ready money. For all the practical purposes of society tact carries +against talent ten to one. + +7. Nature has left every man a capacity of being agreeable, though all +cannot _shine_ in company; but there are many men sufficiently qualified +for both, who, by a very few faults, that a little attention would soon +correct, are not so much as tolerable. Watch, avoid such faults. + +8. Habits of self-possession and self-control acquired early in life, +are the best foundation for the formation of gentlemanly manners. If you +unite with this the constant intercourse with ladies and gentlemen of +refinement and education, you will add to the dignity of perfect self +command, the polished ease of polite society. + +9. Avoid a conceited manner. It is exceedingly ill-bred to assume a +manner as if you were superior to those around you, and it is, too, a +proof, not of superiority but of vulgarity. And to avoid this manner, +avoid the foundation of it, and cultivate humility. The praises of +others should be of use to you, in teaching, not what you are, perhaps, +but in pointing out what you ought to be. + +10. Avoid pride, too; it often miscalculates, and more often +misconceives. The proud man places himself at a distance from other men; +seen through that distance, others, perhaps, appear little to him; but +he forgets that this very distance causes him also to appear little to +others. + +11. A gentleman's title suggests to him humility and affability; to be +easy of access, to pass by neglects and offences, especially from +inferiors; neither to despise any for their bad fortune or misery, nor +to be afraid to own those who are unjustly oppressed; not to domineer +over inferiors, nor to be either disrespectful or cringing to superiors; +not standing upon his family name, or wealth, but making these secondary +to his attainments in civility, industry, gentleness, and discretion. + +12. Chesterfield says, "All ceremonies are, in themselves, very silly +things; but yet a man of the world should know them. They are the +outworks of manners, which would be too often broken in upon if it were +not for that defence which keeps the enemy at a proper distance. It is +for that reason I always treat fools and coxcombs with great ceremony, +true good breeding not being a sufficient barrier against them." + +13. When you meet a lady at the foot of a flight of stairs, do not wait +for her to ascend, but bow, and go up before her. + +14. In meeting a lady at the head of a flight of stairs, wait for her to +precede you in the descent. + +15. Avoid slang. It does not beautify, but it sullies conversation. +"Just listen, for a moment, to our fast young man, or the ape of a fast +young man, who thinks that to be a man he must speak in the dark +phraseology of slang. If he does anything on his own responsibility, he +does it on his own 'hook.' If he sees anything remarkably good, he calls +it a 'stunner,' the superlative of which is a 'regular stunner.' If a +man is requested to pay a tavern bill, he is asked if he will 'stand +Sam.' If he meets a savage-looking dog, he calls him an 'ugly customer.' +If he meets an eccentric man, he calls him a 'rummy old cove.' A +sensible man is a 'chap that is up to snuff.' Our young friend never +scolds, but 'blows up;' never pays, but 'stumps up;' never finds it too +difficult to pay, but is 'hard up.' He has no hat, but shelters his head +beneath a 'tile.' He wears no neckcloth, but surrounds his throat with a +'choker.' He lives nowhere, but there is some place where he 'hangs +out.' He never goes away or withdraws, but he 'bolts'--he 'slopes'--he +'mizzles'--he 'makes himself scarce'--he 'walks his chalks'--he 'makes +tracks'--he 'cuts stick'--or, what is the same thing, he 'cuts his +lucky!' The highest compliment that you can pay him is to tell him that +he is a 'regular brick.' He does not profess to be brave, but he prides +himself on being 'plucky.' Money is a word which he has forgotten, but +he talks a good deal about 'tin,' and the 'needful,' 'the rhino,' and +'the ready.' When a man speaks, he 'spouts;' when he holds his peace, he +'shuts up;' when he is humiliated, he is 'taken down a peg or two,' and +made to 'sing small.' Now, besides the vulgarity of such expressions, +there is much in slang that is objectionable in a moral point of view. +For example, the word 'governor,' as applied to a father, is to be +reprehended. Does it not betray, on the part of young men, great +ignorance of the paternal and filial relationship, or great contempt for +them? Their father is to such young men merely a governor,--merely a +representative of authority. Innocently enough the expression is used by +thousands of young men who venerate and love their parents; but only +think of it, and I am sure that you will admit that it is a cold, +heartless word when thus applied, and one that ought forthwith to be +abandoned." + +16. There are few traits of social life more repulsive than tyranny. I +refer not to the wrongs, real or imaginary, that engage our attention in +ancient and modern history; my tyrants are not those who have waded +through blood to thrones, and grievously oppress their brother men. I +speak of the _petty_ tyrants of the fireside and the social circle, who +trample like very despots on the opinions of their fellows. You meet +people of this class everywhere; they stalk by your side in the streets; +they seat themselves in the pleasant circle on the hearth, casting a +gloom on gayety; and they start up dark and scowling in the midst of +scenes of innocent mirth, to chill and frown down every participator. +They "pooh! pooh!" at every opinion advanced; they make the lives of +their mothers, sisters, wives, children, unbearable. Beware then of +tyranny. A gentleman is ever humble, and the tyrant is never courteous. + +17. Cultivate the virtues of the soul, strong principle, incorruptible +integrity, usefulness, refined intellect, and fidelity in seeking for +truth. A man in proportion as he has these virtues will be honored and +welcomed everywhere. + +18. Gentility is neither in birth, wealth, or fashion, but in the mind. +A high sense of honor, a determination never to take a mean advantage of +another, adherence to truth, delicacy and politeness towards those with +whom we hold intercourse, are the essential characteristics of a +gentleman. + +19. Little attentions to your mother, your wife, and your sister, will +beget much love. The man who is a rude husband, son, and brother, cannot +be a gentleman; he may ape the manners of one, but, wanting the +refinement of heart that would make him courteous at home, his +politeness is but a thin cloak to cover a rude, unpolished mind. + +20. At table, always eat slowly, but do not delay those around you by +toying with your food, or neglecting the business before you to chat, +till all the others are ready to leave the table, but must wait until +you repair your negligence, by hastily swallowing your food. + +21. Are you a husband? Custom entitles you to be the "lord and master" +over your household. But don't assume the _master_ and sink the _lord_. +Remember that noble generosity, forbearance, amiability, and integrity +are the _lordly_ attributes of man. As a husband, therefore, exhibit the +true nobility of man, and seek to govern your household by the display +of high moral excellence. + +A domineering spirit--a fault-finding petulance--impatience of trifling +delays--and the exhibition of unworthy passion at the slightest +provocation can add no laurel to your own "lordly" brow, impart no +sweetness to home, and call forth no respect from those by whom you may +be surrounded. It is one thing to be a _master_, another to be a _man_. +The latter should be the husband's aspiration; for he who cannot govern +himself, is ill-qualified to rule others. You can hardly imagine how +refreshing it is to occasionally call up the recollection of your +courting days. How tediously the hours rolled away prior to the +appointed time of meeting; how swift they seemed to fly, when met; how +fond was the first greeting; how tender the last embrace; how fervent +were your vows; how vivid your dreams of future happiness, when, +returning to your home, you felt yourself secure in the confessed love +of the object of your warm affections! Is your dream realized?--are you +so happy as you expected?--why not? Consider whether as a husband you +are as fervent and constant as you were when a lover. Remember that the +wife's claims to your unremitting regard--great before marriage, are now +exalted to a much higher degree. She has left the world for you--the +home of her childhood, the fireside of her parents, their watchful care +and sweet intercourse have all been yielded up for you. Look then most +jealously upon all that may tend to attract you from home, and to weaken +that union upon which your temporal happiness mainly depends; and +believe that in the solemn relationship of HUSBAND is to be found one of +the best guarantees for man's honor and happiness. + +22. Perhaps the true definition of a gentleman is this: "Whoever is +open, loyal, and true; whoever is of humane and affable demeanor; +whoever is honorable in himself, and in his judgment of others, and +requires no law but his word to make him fulfil an engagement; such a +man is a gentleman, be he in the highest or lowest rank of life, a man +of elegant refinement and intellect, or the most unpolished tiller of +the ground." + +23. In the street, etiquette does not require a gentleman to take off +his glove to shake hands with a lady, unless her hand is uncovered. In +the house, however, the rule is imperative, he must not offer a lady a +gloved hand. In the street, if his hand be very warm or very cold, or +the glove cannot be readily removed, it is much better to offer the +covered hand than to offend the lady's touch, or delay the salutation +during an awkward fumble to remove the glove. + +24. Sterne says, "True courtship consists in a number of quiet, +gentlemanly attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, not so vague as to +be misunderstood." A clown will terrify by his boldness, a proud man +chill by his reserve, but a gentleman will win by the happy mixture of +the two. + +25. Use no profane language, utter no word that will cause the most +virtuous to blush. Profanity is a mark of low breeding; and the tendency +of using indecent and profane language is degrading to your minds. Its +injurious effects may not be felt at the moment, but they will continue +to manifest themselves to you through life. They may never be +obliterated; and, if you allow the fault to become habitual, you will +often find at your tongue's end some expressions which you would not use +for any money. By being careful on this point you may save yourself much +mortification and sorrow. + +"Good men have been taken sick and become delirious. In these moments +they have used the most vile and indecent language. When informed of it, +after a restoration to health, they had no idea of the pain they had +given to their friends, and stated that they had learned and repeated +the expressions in childhood, and though years had passed since they had +spoken a bad word, the early impressions had been indelibly stamped upon +the mind." + +Think of this, ye who are tempted to use improper language, and never +let a vile word disgrace you. An oath never falls from the tongue of the +man who commands respect. + +Honesty, frankness, generosity, and virtue are noble traits. Let these +be yours, and do not fear. You will then claim the esteem and love of +all. + +26. Courteous and friendly conduct may, probably will, sometimes meet +with an unworthy and ungrateful return; but the absence of gratitude and +similar courtesy on the part of the receiver cannot destroy the +self-approbation which recompenses the giver. We may scatter the seeds +of courtesy and kindness around us at little expense. Some of them will +inevitably fall on good ground, and grow up into benevolence in the +minds of others, and all of them will bear the fruit of happiness in the +bosom whence they spring. A kindly action always fixes itself on the +heart of the truly thoughtful and polite man. + +27. Learn to restrain anger. A man in a passion ceases to be a +gentleman, and if you do not control your passions, rely upon it, they +will one day control you. The intoxication of anger, like that of the +grape, shows us to others, but hides us from ourselves, and we injure +our own cause in the opinion of the world when we _too_ passionately and +eagerly defend it. Neither will all men be disposed to view our quarrels +in the same light that we do; and a man's blindness to his own defects +will ever increase in proportion as he is angry with others, or pleased +with himself. An old English writer says:-- + +"As a preventative of anger, banish all tale-bearers and slanderers from +your conversation, for it is these blow the devil's bellows to rouse up +the flames of rage and fury, by first abusing your ears, and then your +credulity, and after that steal away your patience, and all this, +perhaps, for a lie. To prevent anger, be not too inquisitive into the +affairs of others, or what people say of yourself, or into the mistakes +of your friends, for this is going out to gather sticks to kindle a fire +to burn your own house." + +28. Keep good company or none. You will lose your own self-respect, and +habits of courtesy sooner and more effectually by intercourse with low +company, than in any other manner; while, in good company, these virtues +will be cultivated and become habitual. + +29. Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than to make an engagement, +be it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your memory is not +sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you make stored +within it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there. +Especially, keep any appointment made with a lady, for, depend upon it, +the fair sex forgive any other fault in good breeding, sooner than a +broken engagement. + +30. Avoid personality; nothing is more ungentlemanly. The tone of good +company is marked by its entire absence. Among well-informed persons +there are plenty of topics to discuss, without giving pain to any one +present. + +31. Make it a rule to be always punctual in keeping an appointment, and, +when it is convenient, be a little beforehand. Such a habit ensures that +composure and ease which is the very essence of gentlemanly deportment; +want of it keeps you always in a fever and bustle and no man who is +hurried and feverish appears so well as he whose punctuality keeps him +cool and composed. + +32. It is right to cultivate a laudable ambition, but do not exaggerate +your capacity. The world will not give you credit for half what you +esteem yourself. Some men think it so much gained to pass for more than +they are worth; but in most cases the deception will be discovered, +sooner or later, and the rebound will be greater than the gain. We may, +therefore, set it down as a truth, that it is a damage to a man to have +credit for greater powers than he possesses. + +33. Be ready to apologize when you have committed a fault which gives +offence. Better, far better, to retain a friend by a frank, courteous +apology for offence given, than to make an enemy by obstinately denying +or persisting in the fault. + +34. An apology made to yourself must be accepted. No matter how great +the offence, a gentleman cannot keep his anger after an apology has been +made, and thus, amongst truly well-bred men, an apology is always +accepted. + +35. Unless you have something of real importance to ask or communicate, +do not stop a gentleman in the street during business hours. You may +detain him from important engagements, and, though he may be too +well-bred to show annoyance, he will not thank you for such detention. + +36. If, when on your way to fulfil an engagement, a friend stops you in +the street, you may, without committing any breach of etiquette, tell +him of your appointment, and release yourself from a long talk, but do +so in a courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity. + +37. If, when meeting two gentlemen, you are obliged to detain one of +them, apologize to the other for so doing, whether he is an acquaintance +or a stranger, and do not keep him waiting a moment longer than is +necessary. + +38. Have you a sister? Then love and cherish her with all that pure and +holy friendship which renders a brother so worthy and noble. Learn to +appreciate her sweet influence as portrayed in the following words: + +"He who has never known a sister's kind administration, nor felt his +heart warming beneath her endearing smile and love-beaming eye, has been +unfortunate indeed. It is not to be wondered at if the fountains of pure +feeling flow in his bosom but sluggishly, or if the gentle emotions of +his nature be lost in the sterner attributes of mankind. + +"'That man has grown up among affectionate sisters,' I once heard a lady +of much observation and experience remark. + +"'And why do you think so?' said I. + +"'Because of the rich development of all the tender feelings of the +heart.' + +"A sister's influence is felt even in manhood's riper years; and the +heart of him who has grown cold in chilly contact with the world will +warm and thrill with pure enjoyment as some accident awakens within him +the soft tones, the glad melodies of his sister's voice; and he will +turn from purposes which a warped and false philosophy had reasoned into +expediency, and even weep for the gentle influences which moved him in +his earlier years." + +The man who would treat a sister with harshness, rudeness, or +disrespect, is unworthy of the name of gentleman, for he thus proves +that the courtesies he extends to other ladies, are not the promptings +of the heart, but the mere external signs of etiquette; the husk without +the sweet fruit within. + +39. When walking with a friend in the street, never leave him to speak +to another friend without apologizing for so doing. + +40. If walking with a lady, never leave her alone in the street, under +any circumstances. It is a gross violation of etiquette to do so. + +41. The most truly gentlemanly man is he who is the most unselfish, so I +would say in the words of the Rev. J. A. James: + +"Live for some purpose in the world. Act your part well. Fill up the +measure of duty to others. Conduct yourselves so that you shall be +missed with sorrow when you are gone. Multitudes of our species are +living in such a selfish manner that they are not likely to be +remembered after their disappearance. They leave behind them scarcely +any traces of their existence, but are forgotten almost as though they +had never been. They are while they live, like one pebble lying +unobserved amongst a million on the shore; and when they die, they are +like that same pebble thrown into the sea, which just ruffles the +surface, sinks, and is forgotten, without being missed from the beach. +They are neither regretted by the rich, wanted by the poor, nor +celebrated by the learned. Who has been the better for their life? Who +has been the worse for their death? Whose tears have they dried up? +whose wants supplied? whose miseries have they healed? Who would unbar +the gate of life, to re-admit them to existence? or what face would +greet them back again to our world with a smile? Wretched, unproductive +mode of existence! Selfishness is its own curse; it is a starving vice. +The man who does no good, gets none. He is like the heath in the desert, +neither yielding fruit, nor seeing when good cometh--a stunted, +dwarfish, miserable shrub." + +42. Separate the syllables of the word gentleman, and you will see that +the first requisite must be gentleness--_gentle_-man. Mackenzie says, +"Few persons are sufficiently aware of the power of gentleness. It is +slow in working, but it is infallible in its results. It makes no noise; +it neither invites attention, nor provokes resistance; but it is God's +great law, in the moral as in the natural world, for accomplishing great +results. The progressive dawn of day, the flow of the tide, the lapse of +time, the changes of the seasons--these are carried on by slow and +imperceptible degrees, yet their progress and issue none can mistake or +resist. Equally certain and surprising are the triumphs of gentleness. +It assumes nothing, yet it can disarm the stoutest opposition; it +yields, but yielding is the element of its strength; it endures, but in +the warfare victory is not gained by doing, but by suffering." + +43. Perfect composure of manner requires perfect peace of mind, so you +should, as far as lies in human power, avoid the evils which make an +unquiet mind, and, first of all, avoid that cheating, swindling process +called "running in debt." Owe no man anything; avoid it as you would +avoid war, pestilence, and famine. Hate it with a perfect hatred. As you +value comfort, quiet, and independence, keep out of debt. As you value a +healthy appetite, placid temper, pleasant dreams, and happy wakings, +keep out of debt. It is the hardest of all task-masters; the most cruel +of all oppressors. It is a mill-stone about the neck. It is an incubus +on the heart. It furrows the forehead with premature wrinkles. It drags +the nobleness and kindness out of the port and bearing of a man; it +takes the soul out of his laugh, and all stateliness and freedom from +his walk. Come not, then, under its crushing dominion. + +44. Speak gently; a kind refusal will often wound less than a rough, +ungracious assent. + +45. "In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch your temper; +in society, watch your tongue." + +46. The true secret of pleasing all the world, is to have an humble +opinion of yourself. True goodness is invariably accompanied by +gentleness, courtesy, and humility. Those people who are always +"sticking on their dignity," are continually losing friends, making +enemies, and fostering a spirit of unhappiness in themselves. + +47. Are you a merchant? Remember that the counting-house is no less a +school of manners and temper than a school of morals. Vulgarity, +imperiousness, peevishness, caprice on the part of the heads, will +produce their corresponding effects upon the household. Some merchants +are petty tyrants. Some are too surly to be fit for any charge, unless +it be that of taming a shrew. The coarseness of others, in manner and +language, must either disgust or contaminate all their subordinates. In +one establishment you will encounter an unmanly levity, which precludes +all discipline. In another, a mock dignity, which supplies the juveniles +with a standing theme of ridicule. In a third, a capriciousness of mood +and temper, which reminds one of the prophetic hints of the weather in +the old almanacks--"windy"--"cool"--"very pleasant"--"blustering"--"look +out for storms"--and the like. And, in a fourth, a selfish acerbity, +which exacts the most unreasonable services, and never cheers a clerk +with a word of encouragement.--These are sad infirmities. Men ought not +to have clerks until they know how to treat them. Their own comfort, +too, would be greatly enhanced by a different deportment. + +48. If you are about to enter, or leave, a store or any door, and +unexpectedly meet a lady going the other way, stand aside and raise your +hat whilst she passes. If she is going the same way, and the door is +closed, pass before her, saying, "allow me," or, "permit me,"--open the +door, and hold it open whilst she passes. + +49. In entering a room where you will meet ladies, take your hat, cane, +and gloves in your left hand, that your right may be free to offer to +them. + +50. Never offer to shake hands with a lady; she will, if she wishes you +to do so, offer her hand to you, and it is an impertinence for you to do +so first. + +51. If you are seated in the most comfortable chair in a public room, +and a lady, an invalid, or an old man enters, rise, and offer your seat, +even if they are strangers to you. Many men will attend to these +civilities when with friends or acquaintances, and neglect them amongst +strangers, but the true gentleman will not wait for an introduction +before performing an act of courtesy. + +52. As both flattery and slander are in the highest degree blameable and +ungentlemanly, I would quote the rule of Bishop Beveridge, which +effectually prevents both. He says, "Never speak of a man's virtue +before his face, nor of his faults behind his back." + +53. Never enter a room, in which there are ladies, after smoking, until +you have purified both your mouth, teeth, hair, and clothes. If you wish +to smoke just before entering a saloon, wear an old coat and carefully +brush your hair and teeth before resuming your own. + +54. Never endeavor to attract the attention of a friend by nudging him, +touching his foot or hand secretly, or making him a gesture. If you +cannot speak to him frankly, you had best let him alone; for these +signals are generally made with the intention of ridiculing a third +person, and that is the height of rudeness. + +55. Button-holding is a common but most blameable breach of good +manners. If a man requires to be forcibly detained to listen to you, you +are as rude in thus detaining him, as if you had put a pistol to his +head and threatened to blow his brains out if he stirred. + +56. It is a great piece of rudeness to make a remark in general company, +which is intelligible to one person only. To call out, "George, I met D. +L. yesterday, and he says he will attend to that matter," is as bad as +if you went to George and whispered in his ear. + +57. In your intercourse with servants, nothing will mark you as a +well-bred man, so much as a gentle, courteous manner. A request will +make your wishes attended to as quickly as a command, and thanks for a +service, oil the springs of the servant's labor immensely. Rough, harsh +commands may make your orders obeyed well and promptly, but they will be +executed unwillingly, in fear, and, probably, dislike, while courtesy +and kindness will win a willing spirit as well as prompt service. + +58. Avoid eccentric conduct. It does not, as many suppose, mark a man of +genius. Most men of true genius are gentlemanly and reserved in their +intercourse with other men, and there are many fools whose folly is +called eccentricity. + +59. Avoid familiarity. Neither treat others with too great cordiality +nor suffer them to take liberties with you. To check the familiarity of +others, you need not become stiff, sullen, nor cold, but you will find +that excessive politeness on your own part, sometimes with a little +formality, will soon abash the intruder. + +60. Lazy, lounging attitudes in the presence of ladies are very rude. + +61. It is only the most arrant coxcomb who will boast of the favor shown +him by a lady, speak of her by her first name, or allow others to jest +with him upon his friendship or admiration for her. If he really admires +her, and has reason to hope for a future engagement with her, her name +should be as sacred to him as if she were already his wife; if, on the +contrary, he is not on intimate terms with her, then he adds a lie to +his excessively bad breeding, when using her name familiarly. + +62. "He that can please nobody is not so much to be pitied as he that +nobody can please." + +63. Speak without obscurity or affectation. The first is a mark of +pedantry, the second a sign of folly. A wise man will speak always +clearly and intelligibly. + +64. To betray a confidence is to make yourself despicable. Many things +are said among friends which are not said under a seal of secrecy, but +are understood to be confidential, and a truly honorable man will never +violate this tacit confidence. It is really as sacred as if the most +solemn promises of silence bound your tongue; more so, indeed, to the +true gentleman, as his sense of honor, not his word, binds him. + +65. Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue are absolutely +necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness +and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and +agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents, such as honor, +virtue, learning, and parts are above the generality of the world, who +neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others; but +all people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, +affability, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; because they +feel the good effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing." + +66. "Good sense must, in many cases, determine good breeding; because +the same thing that would be civil at one time and to one person, may be +quite otherwise at another time and to another person." + +67. Nothing can be more ill-bred than to meet a polite remark addressed +to you, either with inattention or a rude answer. + +68. Spirit is now a very fashionable word, but it is terribly +misapplied. In the present day to act with spirit and speak with spirit +means to act rashly and speak indiscretely. A gentleman shows his spirit +by firm, but gentle words and resolute actions. He is spirited but +neither rash nor timid. + +69. "Use kind words. They do not cost much. It does not take long to +utter them. They never blister the tongue or lips in their passage into +the world, or occasion any other kind of bodily suffering. And we have +never heard of any mental trouble arising from this quarter. + +"Though they do not COST much, yet they ACCOMPLISH much. They help one's +own good nature and good will. One cannot be in a habit of this kind, +without thereby picking away something of the granite roughness of his +own nature. Soft words will soften his own soul. Philosophers tell us +that the angry words a man uses, in his passion, are fuel to the flame +of his wrath, and make it blaze the more fiercely. Why, then, should not +words of the opposite character produce opposite results, and that most +blessed of all passions of the soul, kindness, be augmented by kind +words? People that are forever speaking kindly, are forever disinclining +themselves to ill-temper. + +"Kind words make other people good natured. Cold words freeze people, +and hot words scorch them, and sarcastic words irritate them, and bitter +words make them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. And kind +words also produce their own image on men's souls. And a beautiful image +it is. They soothe, and quiet, and comfort the hearer. They shame him +out of his sour, morose, unkind feelings, and he has to become kind +himself. + +"There is such a rush of all other kind of words, in our days, that it +seems desirable to give kind words a chance among them. There are vain +words, and idle words, and hasty words, and spiteful words, and silly +words, and empty words. Now, kind words are better than the whole of +them, and it is a pity that, among the improvements of the present age, +birds of this feather might not have more chance than they have had to +spread their wings. + +"Kind words are in danger of being driven from the field, like +frightened pigeons, in these days of boisterous words, and warlike +words, and passionate words. They have not the brass to stand up, like +so many grenadiers, and fight their own way among the throng. Besides, +they have been out of use so long, that they hardly know whether they +have any right to make their appearance any more in our bustling world; +not knowing but that, perhaps, the world was done with them, and would +not like their company any more. + +"Let us welcome them back. We have not done with them. We have not yet +begun to use them in such abundance as they ought to be used. We cannot +spare them." + +70. The first step towards pleasing every one is to endeavor to offend +no one. To give pain by a light or jesting remark is as much a breach of +etiquette, as to give pain by a wound made with a steel weapon, is a +breach of humanity. + +71. "A gentleman will never use his tongue to rail and brawl against any +one; to speak evil of others in their absence; to exaggerate any of his +statements; to speak harshly to children or to the poor; to swear, lie, +or use improper language; to hazard random and improbable statements; to +speak rashly or violently upon any subject; to deceive people by +circulating false reports, or to offer up _lip_-service in religion. But +he will use it to convey to mankind useful information; to instruct his +family and others who need it; to warn and reprove the wicked; to +comfort and console the afflicted; to cheer the timid and fearful; to +defend the innocent and oppressed; to plead for the widow and orphan; to +congratulate the success of the virtuous, and to confess, tearfully and +prayerfully, his faults." + +72. Chesterfield says, "Civility is particularly due to all women; and, +remember, that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not +being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be +reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to +their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior +strength of ours; nay, even a little is allowable with women: and a man +may, without weakness, tell a women she is either handsomer or wiser +than she is." (Chesterfield would not have said this in the present age +of strong minded, sensible women.) + +73. There is much tact and good breeding to be displayed in the +correction of any little error that may occur in conversation. To say, +shortly,--"You are wrong! I know better!" is rude, and your friends +will much more readily admit an error if you say courteously and gently, +"Pardon me, but I must take the liberty of correcting you," or, "You +will allow me, I am sure, to tell you that your informant made an +error." If such an error is of no real importance, it is better to let +it pass unnoticed. + +74. Intimate friends and relations should be careful when they go out +into the world together, or admit others to their own circle, that they +do not make a bad use of the knowledge which they have gained of each +other by their intimacy. Nothing is more common than this; and, did it +not mostly proceed from mere carelessness, it would be superlatively +ungenerous. You seldom need wait for the written life of a man to hear +about his weaknesses, or what are supposed to be such, if you know his +intimate friends, or meet him in company with them. + +75. In making your first visit anywhere, you will be less apt to offend +by being too ceremonious, than by being too familiar. + +76. With your friends remember the old proverb, that, "Familiarity +breeds contempt." + +77. If you meet, in society, with any one, be it a gentleman or a lady, +whose timidity or bashfulness, shows them unaccustomed to meeting +others, endeavor, by your own gentleness and courtesy, to place them +more at ease, and introduce to them those who will aid you in this +endeavor. + +78. If, when walking with a gentleman friend, you meet a lady to whom +your friend bows, you, too, must touch or raise your hat, though you +are not acquainted with the lady. + +79. "Although it is now very much the custom, in many wealthy families, +for the butler to remove the dishes from the table and carve them on the +sideboard, thus saving trouble to the master or mistress of the house, +and time to the guests, the practice is not so general even amongst what +are called the higher classes of society that general instructions for +carving will be uninteresting to them, to say nothing of the more +numerous class, who, although enabled to place good dishes before their +friends, are not wealthy enough to keep a butler if they were so +inclined. Good carving is, to a certain extent, indicative of good +society, for it proves to company that the host does not give a dinner +party for the first time, but is accustomed to receive friends, and +frequently to dispense the cheer of a hospitable board. The master or +mistress of a house, who does not know how to carve, is not unfrequently +looked upon as an ignorant _parvenu_, as a person who cannot take a hand +at whist, in good society, is regarded as one who has passed his time in +the parlor of a public house, playing at cribbage or all fours. +Independently, however, of the importance of knowing how to carve well, +for the purpose of regaling one's friends and acquaintances, the +science, and it is a science, is a valuable acquirement for any man, as +it enables him, at a public or private dinner, to render valuable aid. +There are many diners-out who are welcome merely because they know how +to carve. Some men amuse by their conversation; others are favorites +because they can sing a good song; but the man who makes himself useful +and agreeable to all, is he who carves with elegance and speed. We +recommend the novice in this art, to keep a watchful eye upon every +superior carver whom he may meet at dinner. In this way he will soon +become well versed in the art and mystery of cutting up." + +80. Years may pass over our heads without affording an opportunity for +acts of high beneficence or extensive utility; whereas, not a day +passes, but in common transactions of life, and, especially in the +intercourse of society, courtesy finds place for promoting the happiness +of others, and for strengthening in ourselves the habits of unselfish +politeness. There are situations, not a few, in human life, when an +encouraging reception, a condescending behaviour, and a look of +sympathy, bring greater relief to the heart than the most bountiful +gift. + +81. Cecil says, "You may easily make a sensation--but a sensation is a +vulgar triumph. To keep up the sensation of an excitement, you must be +always standing on your head (morally speaking), and the attitude, like +everything overstrained, would become fatiguing to yourself and tedious +to others. Whereas, to obtain permanent favor, as an agreeable, +well-bred man, requires simply an exercise of the understanding." + +82. There is no vice more truly ungentlemanly than that of using profane +language. Lamont says: + +"Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe there never was a +man who made a fortune by common swearing. It often appears that men pay +for swearing, but it seldom happens that they are paid for it. It is not +easy to perceive what honor or credit is connected with it. Does any +man receive promotion because he is a notable blusterer? Or is any man +advanced to dignity because he is expert at profane swearing? Never. Low +must be the character which such impertinence will exalt: high must be +the character which such impertinence will not degrade. Inexcusable, +therefore, must be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to +support it. The drunkard has his cups; the satirist, his revenge; the +ambitious man, his preferments; the miser, his gold; but the common +swearer has nothing; he is a fool at large, sells his soul for nought, +and drudges in the service of the devil gratis. Swearing is void of all +plea; it is not the native offspring of the soul, nor interwoven with +the texture of the body, nor, anyhow, allied to our frame. For, as +Tillotson expresses it, 'Though some men pour out oaths as if they were +natural, yet no man was ever born of a swearing constitution.' But it is +a custom, a low and a paltry custom, picked up by low and paltry spirits +who have no sense of honor, no regard to decency, but are forced to +substitute some rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good +sense. Hence, the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the +silliness of those who adopt it." + +83. Dr. Johnson says that to converse well "there must, in the first +place, be knowledge--there must be materials; in the second place, there +must be a command of words; in the third place, there must be +imagination to place things in such views as they are not commonly seen +in; and, in the fourth place, there must be a presence of mind, and a +resolution that is not to be overcome by failure--this last is an +essential requisite; for want of it, many people do not excel in +conversation." + +84. "Do not constantly endeavor to draw the attention of all upon +yourself when in company. Leave room for your hearers to imagine +something within you beyond what you speak; and, remember, the more you +are praised the more you will be envied." + +85. Be very careful to treat with attention and respect those who have +lately met with misfortunes, or have suffered from loss of fortune. Such +persons are apt to think themselves slighted, when no such thing is +intended. Their minds, being already sore, feel the least rub very +severely, and who would thus cruelly add affliction to the afflicted? +Not the _gentleman_ certainly. + +86. There is hardly any bodily blemish which a winning behavior will not +conceal or make tolerable; and there is no external grace which +ill-nature or affectation will not deform. + +87. Good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of the satirist; +but if you are the first to laugh at a jest made upon yourself, others +will laugh _with_ you instead of _at_ you. + +88. Whenever you see a person insult his inferiors, you may feel assured +that he is the man who will be servile and cringing to his superiors; +and he who acts the bully to the weak, will play the coward when with +the strong. + +89. Maintain, in every word, a strict regard for perfect truth. Do not +think of one falsity as harmless, another as slight, a third as +unintended. Cast them all aside. They may be light and accidental, but +they are an ugly soot from the smoke of the pit for all that, and it is +better to have your heart swept clean of them, without stopping to +consider whether they are large and black. + +90. The advantage and necessity of cheerfulness and intelligent +intercourse with the world is strongly to be recommended. A man who +keeps aloof from society and lives only for himself, does not fulfil the +wise intentions of Providence, who designed that we should be a mutual +help and comfort to each other in life. + +91. Chesterfield says, "Merit and good breeding will make their way +everywhere. Knowledge will introduce man, and good breeding will endear +him to the best companies; for, politeness and good breeding are +absolutely necessary to adorn any, or all, other good qualities or +talents. Without them, no knowledge, no perfection whatever, is seen in +its best light. The scholar, without good breeding, is a pedant; the +philosopher, a cynic; the soldier, a brute; and every man disagreeable." + +92. It is very seldom that a man may permit himself to tell stories in +society; they are, generally, tedious, and, to many present, will +probably have all the weariness of a "twice-told tale." A short, +brilliant anecdote, which is especially applicable to the conversation +going on, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit himself to +inflict. + +93. It is better to take the tone of the society into which you are +thrown, than to endeavor to lead others after you. The way to become +truly popular is to be grave with the grave, jest with the gay, and +converse sensibly with those who seek to display their sense. + +94. Watch each of your actions, when in society, that all the habits +which you contract there may be useful and good ones. Like flakes of +snow that fall unperceived upon the earth, the seemingly unimportant +events of life succeed one another. As the snow gathers together, so are +our habits formed. No single flake that is added to the pile produces a +sensible change--no single action creates, however it may exhibit, a +man's character; but, as the tempest hurls the avalanche down the +mountain, and overwhelms the inhabitant and his habitation, so passion, +acting upon the elements of mischief, which pernicious habits have +brought together by imperceptible accumulation, may overthrow the +edifice of truth and virtue. + +95. There is no greater fault in good breeding than too great +diffidence. Shyness cramps every motion, clogs every word. The only way +to overcome the fault is to mix constantly in society, and the habitual +intercourse with others will give you the graceful ease of manner which +shyness utterly destroys. + +96. If you are obliged to leave a large company at an early hour, take +French leave. Slip away unperceived, if you can, but, at any rate, +without any formal leave-taking. + +97. Avoid quarrels. If you are convinced, even, that you have the right +side in an argument, yield your opinion gracefully, if this is the only +way to avoid a quarrel, saying, "We cannot agree, I see, but this +inability must not deprive me of a friend, so we will discuss the +subject no further." Few men will be able to resist your courtesy and +good nature, but many would try to combat an obstinate adherence to +your own side of the question. + +98. Avoid the filthy habit of which foreigners in this country so justly +complain--I mean spitting. + +99. If any one bows to you in the street, return the bow. It may be an +acquaintance whose face you do not immediately recognize, and if it is a +stranger who mistakes you for another, your courteous bow will relieve +him from the embarrassment arising from his mistake. + +100. The following hints on conversation conclude the chapter:-- + +"Conversation may be carried on successfully by persons who have no idea +that it is or may be an art, as clever things are sometimes done without +study. But there can be no certainty of good conversation in ordinary +circumstances, and amongst ordinary minds, unless certain rules be +observed, and certain errors be avoided. + +"The first and greatest rule unquestionably is, that all must be +favorably disposed towards each other, and willing to be pleased. There +must be no sullen or uneasy-looking person--no one who evidently thinks +he has fallen into unsuitable company, and whose sole aim it is to take +care lest his dignity be injured--no one whose feelings are of so morose +or ascetic a kind that he cannot join without observable pain and +hesitation in the playfulness of the scene--no matter-of-fact person, +who takes all things literally, and means all things literally, and +thinks it as great a crime to say something in jest as to do it in +earnest. One of any of these classes of persons is sufficient to mar the +enjoyments of a hundred. The matter-of-factish may do very well with +the matter-of-factish, the morose with the morose, the stilted with the +stilted; and they should accordingly keep amongst themselves +respectively. But, for what is generally recognized as agreeable +conversation, minds exempted from these peculiarities are required. + +"The ordinary rules of politeness are, of course, necessary--no +rudeness, no offence to each other's self-esteem; on the contrary, much +mutual deference is required, in order to keep all the elements of a +company sweet. Sometimes, however, there is a very turbid kind of +conversation, where there is no want of common good breeding. This, most +frequently, arises from there being too great a disposition to speak, +and too small a disposition to listen. Too many are eager to get their +ideas expressed, or to attract attention; and the consequence is, that +nothing is heard but broken snatches and fragments of discourse, in +which there is neither profit nor entertainment. No man listens to what +another has to say, and then makes a relative or additionally +illustrative remark. One may be heard for a minute, or half a minute, +but it is with manifest impatience; and the moment he is done, or stops +to draw breath, the other plunges in with what _he_ had to say, being +something quite of another strain, and referring to another subject. He +in his turn is interrupted by a third, with the enunciation of some +favorite ideas of his, equally irrelative; and thus conversation becomes +no conversation, but a contention for permission to speak a few hurried +words, which nobody cares to hear, or takes the trouble to answer. +Meanwhile, the modest and weak sit silent and ungratified. The want of +regulation is here very manifest. It would be better to have a president +who should allow everybody a minute in succession to speak without +interruption, than thus to have freedom, and so monstrously to abuse it. +The only remedy, as far as meetings by invitation are concerned, is to +take care that no more eager talkers are introduced than are absolutely +necessary to prevent conversation from flagging. One to every six or +eight persons is the utmost that can be safely allowed. + +"The danger of introducing politics, or any other notoriously +controversial subject, in mixed companies, is so generally acknowledged, +that conversation is in little danger--at least in polite circles--from +that source. But wranglements, nevertheless, are apt to arise. Very +frequently the company falls together by the ears in consequence of the +starting of some topic in which facts are concerned--with which facts no +one chances to be acquainted. + +"Conversation is often much spoilt through slight inattentions or +misapprehensions on the part of a particular member of the company. In +the midst of some interesting narrative or discussion, he suddenly puts +all to a stop, in order that some little perplexity may be explained, +which he could never have fallen into, if he had been paying a fair +degree of attention to what was going on. Or he has some precious +prejudice jarred upon by something said, or supposed to be said, and all +is at a stand, till he has been, through the united exertions of a vexed +company, re-assured and put at his ease. Often the most frivolous +interruption from such causes will disconcert the whole strain of the +conversation, and spoil the enjoyment of a score of people. + +"The eager speakers, already alluded to, are a different class from +those who may be called the determinedly loquacious. A thoroughly +loquacious man has no idea of anything but a constant outpouring of talk +from his own mouth. If he stops for a moment, he thinks he is not doing +his duty to the company; and, anxious that there should be no cause of +complaint against him on that score, he rather repeats a sentence, or +gives the same idea in different words, or hums and haws a little, than +allow the least pause to take place. The notion that any other body can +be desirous of saying a word, never enters his head. He would as soon +suppose that a beggar was anxious to bestow alms upon him, as that any +one could wish to speak, as long as he himself was willing to save them +the trouble. Any attempt to interrupt him is quite hopeless. The only +effect of the sound of another voice is to raise the sound of his own, +so as to drown it. Even to give a slight twist or turn to the flow of +his ideas, is scarce possible. When a decided attempt is made to get in +a few words, he only says, with an air of offended feeling, set off with +a tart courtesy, 'Allow me, sir,' or, 'When you are done, sir;' as if he +were a man whom nobody would allow, on any occasion, to say all he had +to say. If, however, he has been permitted to talk on and on incessantly +a whole evening, to the complete closing of the mouths of the rest, he +goes away with all the benevolent glow of feeling which arises from a +gratified faculty, remarking to the gentleman who takes his arm, 'What a +great deal of pleasant conversation we have had!' and chatters forth +all the way home such sentences as, 'Excellent fellow, our host,' +'charming wife,' 'delightful family altogether,' 'always make everybody +so happy.' + +"Another class of spoilers of conversation are the loud talkers or +blusterers. They are not numerous, but one is enough to destroy the +comfort of thirty people for a whole evening. The least opposition to +any of his ideas makes the blusterer rise in his might, and bellow, and +roar, and bellow again, till the whole company is in something like the +condition of AEneas's fleet after Eolus has done his worst. The society +enjoyed by this kind of man is a series of _first invitations_. + +"While blusterers and determinedly loquacious persons are best left to +themselves, and while endless worryings on unknown things are to be +avoided, it is necessary both that one or two good conversationists +should be at every party, and that the strain of the conversation should +not be allowed to become too tame. In all invited parties, eight of +every ten persons are disposed to hold their peace, or to confine +themselves to monosyllabic answers to commonplace inquiries. It is +necessary, therefore, that there should be _some_ who can speak, and +that fluently, if not entertainingly--only not too many. But all +engrossing of conversation, and all turbulence, and over-eagerness, and +egotism, are to be condemned. A very soft and quiet manner has, at last, +been settled upon, in the more elevated circles, as the best for +conversation. Perhaps they carry it to a pitch of affectation; but, yet, +when we observe the injurious consequences of the opposite style in less +polite companies, it is not easy to avoid the conclusion that the great +folks are, upon the whole, right. In the courtly scene, no one has his +ears offended with loud and discordant tones, no one is condemned to +absolute silence. All display in conversation will not depend on the +accidental and external quality of strength of voice, as it must do +where a loud and contentious style of talking is allowed; the soft-toned +and the weak-lunged will have as good a chance as their more robust +neighbors; and it will be possible for all both to speak and to hear. +There may be another advantage in its being likely to produce less +mental excitement than the more turbulent kind of society. But +_regulation_ is, we are persuaded, the thing most of all wanted in the +conversational meetings of the middle classes. People interrupt each +other too much--are too apt to run away into their own favorite themes, +without caring for the topic of their neighbors--too frequently wrangle +about trifles. The regularity of a debating society would be +intolerable; but some certain degree of method might certainly be +introduced with great advantage. There should, at least, be a vigorous +enforcement of the rule against more than one speaking at a time, even +though none of those waiting for their turn should listen to a word he +says. Without this there may be much talk, and even some merriment, but +no conversation." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +PARTIES. + + +Now, there are many different kinds of parties. There are the evening +party, the matinee, the reading, dancing, and singing parties, the +picnic, the boating, and the riding parties; and the duties for each one +are distinct, yet, in many points, similar. Our present subject is:-- + + +THE EVENING PARTY. + +These are of two kinds, large and small. For the first, you will receive +a formal card, containing the compliments of your hostess for a certain +evening, and this calls for full dress, a dress coat, and white or very +light gloves. To the small party you will probably be invited verbally, +or by a more familiar style of note than the compliment card. Here you +may wear gloves if you will, but you need not do so unless perfectly +agreeable to yourself. + +If you are to act as escort to a lady, you must call at the hour she +chooses to name, and the most elegant way is to take a carriage for her. +If you wish to present a bouquet, you may do so with perfect propriety, +even if you have but a slight acquaintance with her. + +When you reach the house of your hostess for the evening, escort your +companion to the dressing-room, and leave her at the door. After you +have deposited your own hat and great-coat in the gentlemen's +dressing-room, return to the ladies' door and wait for your companion. +Offer her your right arm, and lead her to the drawing-room, and, at +once, to the hostess, then take her to a seat, and remain with her until +she has other companions, before you seek any of your own friends in the +room. + +There is much more real enjoyment and sociability in a _well-arranged_ +party, than in a ball, though many of the points of etiquette to be +observed in the latter are equally applicable to the former. There is +more time allowed for conversation, and, as there are not so many people +collected, there is also more opportunity for forming acquaintances. At +a _soiree_, _par excellence_, music, dancing, and conversation are all +admissible, and if the hostess has tact and discretion this variety is +very pleasing. As there are many times when there is no pianist or music +engaged for dancing, you will do well, if you are a performer on the +piano-forte, to learn some quadrilles, and round dances, that you may +volunteer your services as _orchestra_. Do not, in this case, wait to be +solicited to play, but offer your services to the hostess, or, if there +is a lady at the piano, ask permission to relieve her. To turn the +leaves for another, and sometimes call figures, are also good natured +and well-bred actions. + +There is one piece of rudeness very common at parties, against which I +would caution you. Young people very often form a group, and indulge in +the most boisterous merriment and loud laughter, for jests known only to +themselves. Do not join such a group. A well-bred man, while he is +cheerful and gay, will avoid any appearance of romping in society. + +If dancing is to be the amusement for the evening, your first dance +should be with the lady whom you accompanied, then, invite your hostess, +and, if there are several ladies in the family you must invite each of +them once, in the course of the evening. If you go alone, invite the +ladies of the house before dancing with any of your other lady friends. + +Never attempt any dance with which you are not perfectly familiar. +Nothing is more awkward and annoying than to have one dancer, by his +ignorance of the figures, confuse all the others in the set, and +certainly no man wants to show off his ignorance of the steps of a round +dance before a room full of company. + +Do not devote yourself too much to one lady. A party is meant to promote +sociability, and a man who persists in a tete-a-tete for the evening, +destroys this intention. Besides you prevent others from enjoying the +pleasure of intercourse with the lady you thus monopolize. + +Avoid any affectation of great intimacy with any lady present; and even +if you really enjoy such intimacy, or she is a relative, do not appear +to have confidential conversation, or, in any other way, affect airs of +secrecy or great familiarity. + +Dance easily and gracefully, keeping perfect time, but not taking too +great pains with your steps. If your whole attention is given to your +feet or carriage, you will probably be mistaken for a dancing master. + +When you conduct your partner to a seat after a dance, you may sit or +stand beside her to converse, unless you see that another gentleman is +waiting to invite her to dance. + +Do not take the vacant seat next a lady unless you are acquainted with +her. + +After dancing, do not offer your hand, but your arm, to conduct your +partner to her seat. + +If music is called for and you are able to play or sing, do so when +first invited, or, if you refuse then, do not afterwards comply. If you +refuse, and then alter your mind you will either be considered a vain +coxcomb, who likes to be urged; or some will conclude that you refused +at first from mere caprice, for, if you had a good reason for declining, +why change your mind? + +Never offer to turn the leaves of music for any one playing, unless you +can read the notes, for you run the risk of confusing them, by turning +too soon or too late. + +If you sing a good second, never sing with a lady unless she herself +invites you. Her friends may wish to hear you sing together, when she +herself may not wish to sing with one to whose voice and time she is +unaccustomed. + +Do not start a conversation whilst any one is either playing or singing, +and if another person commences one, speak in a tone that will not +prevent others from listening to the music. + +If you play yourself, do not wait for silence in the room before you +begin. If you play well, those really fond of music will cease to +converse, and listen to you; and those who do not care for it, will not +stop talking if you wait upon the piano stool until day dawn. + +Relatives should avoid each other at a party, as they can enjoy one +another's society at home, and it is the constantly changing +intercourse, and complete sociability that make a party pleasant. + +Private concerts and amateur theatricals are very often the occasions +for evening parties, and make a very pleasant variety on the usual +dancing and small talk. An English writer, speaking of them, says: + +"Private concerts and amateur theatricals ought to be very good to be +successful. Professionals alone should be engaged for the former, none +but real amateurs for the latter. Both ought to be, but rarely are, +followed by a supper, since they are generally very fatiguing, if not +positively trying. In any case, refreshments and ices should be handed +between the songs and the acts. Private concerts are often given in the +'morning,' that is, from two to six P. M.; in the evening their hours +are from eight to eleven. The rooms should be arranged in the same +manner as for a reception, the guests should be seated, and as music is +the avowed object, a general silence preserved while it lasts. Between +the songs the conversation ebbs back again, and the party takes the +general form of a reception. For private theatricals, however, where +there is no special theatre, and where the curtain is hung, as is most +common, between the folding-doors, the audience-room must be filled with +chairs and benches in rows, and, if possible, the back rows raised +higher than the others. These are often removed when the performance is +over, and the guests then converse, or, sometimes, even dance. During +the acting it is rude to talk, except in a very low tone, and, be it +good or bad, you would never think of hissing." + +If you are alone, and obliged to retire early from an evening party, do +not take leave of your hostess, but slip away unperceived. + +If you have escorted a lady, her time must be yours, and she will tell +you when she is ready to go. See whether the carriage has arrived before +she goes to the dressing-room, and return to the parlor to tell her. If +the weather was pleasant when you left home, and you walked, ascertain +whether it is still pleasant; if not, procure a carriage for your +companion. When it is at the door, join her in the drawing-room, and +offer your arm to lead her to the hostess for leave-taking, making your +own parting bow at the same time, then take your companion to the door +of the ladies' dressing-room, get your own hat and wait in the entry +until she comes out. + +When you reach your companion's house, do not accept her invitation to +enter, but ask permission to call in the morning, or the following +evening, and make that call. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +COURTESY AT HOME. + + +There are many men in this world, who would be horror struck if accused +of the least breach of etiquette towards their friends and acquaintances +abroad, and yet, who will at home utterly disregard the simplest rules +of politeness, if such rules interfere in the least with their own +selfish gratification. They disregard the pure and holy ties which +should make courtesy at home a pleasure as well as a duty. They forget +that home has a sweet poetry of its own, created out of the simplest +materials, yet, haunting, more or less, the secret recesses of every +human heart; it is divided into a thousand separate poems, which should +be full of individual interest, little quiet touches of feeling and +golden recollections, which, in the heart of a truly noble man, are +interwoven with his very being. Common things are, to him, hallowed and +made beautiful by the spell of memory and association, owing all their +glory to the halo of his own pure, fond affection. The eye of a stranger +rests coldly on such revelations; their simple pathos is hard to be +understood; and they smile oftentimes at the quaintness of those +passages which make others weep. With the beautiful instinct of true +affection, home love retains only the good. There were clouds then, +even as now, darkening the horizon of daily life, and breaking tears or +wild storms above our heads; but he remembers nothing save the sunshine, +and fancies somehow that it has never shone so bright since! How little +it took to make him happy in those days, aye, and sad also; but it was a +pleasant sadness, for he wept only over a flower or a book. But let us +turn to our first poem; and in using this term we allude, of course, to +the poetry of idea, rather than that of the measure; beauty of which is +so often lost to us from a vague feeling that it cannot exist without +rhythm. But pause and listen, first of all, gentle reader, to the living +testimony of a poet heart, brimful, and gushing over with home +love:--"There are not, in the unseen world, voices more gentle and more +true, that may be more implicitly relied on, or that are so certain to +give none but the tenderest counsel, as the voices in which the spirits +of the fireside and the hearth address themselves to human kind!" + +The man who shows his contempt for these holy ties and associations by +pulling off his mask of courtesy as soon as his foot passes his own +threshold, is not really a gentleman, but a selfish tyrant, whose true +qualities are not courtesy and politeness, but a hypocritical +affectation of them, assumed to obtain a footing in society. Avoid such +men. Even though you are one of the favored ones abroad who receive +their gentle courtesy, you may rest assured that the heartless egotism +which makes them rude and selfish at home, will make their friendship +but a name, if circumstances ever put it to the test. Above all, avoid +their example. + +In what does the home circle consist? First, there are the parents who +have watched over your infancy and childhood, and whom you are commanded +by the Highest Power to "honor." Then the brothers and sisters, the wife +who has left her own home and all its tender ties for your sake, and the +children who look to you for example, guidance, and instruction. + +Who else on the broad earth can lay the same claim to your gentleness +and courtesy that they can? If you are rude at home, then is your +politeness abroad a mere cloak to conceal a bad, selfish heart. + +The parents who have anxiously watched over your education, have the +first right to the fruits of it, and all the _gentleman_ should be +exerted to repay them for the care they have taken of you since your +birth. All the rules of politeness, of generosity, of good nature, +patience, and respectful affection should be exerted for your parents. +You owe to them a pure, filial love, void of personal interest, which +should prompt you to study all their tastes, their likes, and aversions, +in order to indulge the one and avoid the other; you owe to them polite +attention, deference to all their wishes, and compliance with their +requests. Every joy will be doubled to them, if you show a frank +pleasure in its course, and no comfort can soothe the grief of a parent +so much as the sympathizing love of a dutiful son. If they are old, +dependent upon you for support, then can you still better prove to them +that the tender care they lavished upon you, when you depended upon +their love for everything, was not lost, but was good seed sown upon +fruitful ground. Nay, if with the infirmities of age come the crosses +of bad temper, or exacting selfishness, your duty still lies as plainly +before you. It is but the promptings of natural affection that will lead +you to love and cherish an indulgent parent; but it is a pure, high +virtue which makes a son love and cherish with an equal affection a +selfish, negligent mother, or a tyrannical, harsh father. No failure in +their duty can excuse you if you fail in yours; and, even if they are +wicked, you are not to be their judge, but, while you detest and avoid +their sin, you must still love the sinner. Nothing but the grossest and +most revolting brutality could make a man reproach his parents with the +feebleness of age or illness, or the incapacity to exert their talents +for support. + +An eminent writer, in speaking of a man's duties, says: "Do all in your +power to render your parents comfortable and happy; if they are aged and +infirm, be with them as often as you can, carry them tokens of your +love, and show them that you feel a tender interest in their happiness. +Be all to your parents, which you would wish your children to be to +you." + +Next, in the home circle, come your brothers and sisters, and here you +will find the little courtesies, which, as a gentleman, should be +habitual to you, will ensure the love a man should most highly prize, +the love of his brother and sister. Next to his filial love, this is the +first tie of his life, and should be valued as it deserves. + +If you are the eldest of the family, you may, by your example, influence +your brothers to good or evil, and win or alienate the affections of +your little sisters. There is scarcely a more enthusiastic affection in +the world than that a sister feels for an elder brother. Even though he +may not repay the devotion as it deserves, she will generally cherish +it, and invest him with the most heroic qualities, while her tender +little heart, though it may quiver with the pain of a harsh word or rude +action, will still try to find an excuse for "brother's" want of +affection. If you show an interest in the pursuits of the little circle +at whose head your age entitles you to stand, you will soon find they +all look up to you, seek your advice, crave your sympathy, and follow +your example. The eldest son holds a most responsible position. Should +death or infirmity deprive him of a father's counsel, he should be +prepared to stand forth as the head of the family, and take his father's +place towards his mother and the younger children. + +Every man should feel, that in the character and dignity of his sisters +his own honor is involved. An insult or affront offered to them, becomes +one to him, and he is the person they will look to for protection, and +to prevent its repetition. By his own manner to them he can ensure to +them the respect or contempt of other men whom they meet when in his +society. How can he expect that his friends will treat his sisters with +gentleness, respect, and courtesy, if they see him constantly rude, +disrespectful, and contemptuous towards them? But, if his own manner is +that of affectionate respect, he need not fear for them rudeness from +others, while they are under his protection. An American writer says:-- + +"Nothing in a family strikes the eye of a visitor with more delight than +to see brothers treat their sisters with kindness, civility, attention, +and love. On the contrary, nothing is more offensive or speaks worse +for the honor of a family, than that coarse, rude, unkind manner which +brothers sometimes exhibit." + +The same author says:-- + +"Beware how you speak of your sisters. Even gold is tarnished by much +handling. If you speak in their praise--of their beauty, learning, +manners, wit, or attentions--you will subject them to taunt and +ridicule; if you say anything against them, you will bring reproach upon +yourself and them too. If you have occasion to speak of them, do it with +modesty and few words. Let others do all the praising and yourself enjoy +it. If you are separated from them, maintain with them a correspondence. +This will do yourself good as well as them. Do not neglect this duty, +nor grow remiss in it. Give your friendly advice and seek theirs in +return. As they mingle intimately with their sex, they can enlighten +your mind respecting many particulars relating to female character, +important for you to know; and, on the other hand, you have the same +opportunity to do them a similar service. However long or widely +separated from them, keep up your fraternal affection and intercourse. +It is ominous of evil when a young man forgets his sister. + +"If you are living at home with them, you may do them a thousand little +services, which will cost you nothing but pleasure, and which will +greatly add to theirs. If they wish to go out in the evening--to a +lecture, concert, a visit, or any other object,--always be happy, if +possible, to wait upon them. Consider their situation, and think how +you would wish them to treat you if the case were reversed." + +A young man once said to an elderly lady, who expressed her regret at +his having taken some trouble and denied himself a pleasure to gratify +her:-- + +"Madam, I am far away from my mother and sisters now, but when I was at +home, my greatest pleasure was to protect them and gratify all their +wishes; let me now place you in their stead, and you will not have cause +again to feel regret, for you can think 'he _must love_ to deny himself +for one who represents his mother.'" + +The old lady afterwards spoke of him as a perfect gentleman, and was +contradicted by a younger person who quoted some fault in etiquette +committed by the young man in company. "Ah, that may be," said her +friend; "but what I call a gentleman, is not the man who performs to the +minutest point all the little ceremonies of society, but the one whose +_heart_ prompts him to be polite at home." + +If you have left the first home circle, that comprising your parents, +brothers, and sisters, to take up the duties of a husband and father, +you must carry to your new home the same politeness I have advised you +to exert in the home of your childhood. + +Your wife claims your courtesy more now, even, than when you were +courting her. She has given up, for your sake, all the freedom and +pleasures of her maidenhood, and to you she looks for a love that will +replace them all. Can you disappoint that trusting affection? Before +your marriage you thought no stretch of courtesy too great, if the +result was to afford her pleasure; why, then, not strive to _keep_ her +love, by the same gentle courtesy you exerted to _win_ it? + +"A delicate attention to the minute wants and wishes of your wife, will +tend, more than anything else, to the promotion of your domestic +happiness. It requires no sacrifices, occupies but a small degree of +attention, yet is the fertile source of bliss; since it convinces the +object of your regard, that, with the duties of a husband, you have +united the more punctilious behaviour of a lover. These trivial tokens +of regard certainly make much way in the affections of a woman of sense +and discernment, who looks not to the value of the gifts she receives, +but perceives in their frequency a continued evidence of the existence +and ardor of that love on which the superstructure of her happiness has +been erected. The strongest attachment will decline, if you receive it +with diminished warmth." + +Mrs. Thrale gives the following advice, which is worth the consideration +of every young man: + +"After marriage," she says, "when your violence of passion subsides, and +a more cool and tranquil affection takes its place, be not hasty to +censure as indifferent, or to lament yourself as unhappy; you have lost +that only which it is impossible to retain; and it were graceless amidst +the pleasures of a prosperous summer, to regret the blossoms of a +transient spring. Neither unwarily condemn your bride's insipidity, till +you have recollected that no object, however sublime, no sound, however +charming, can continue to transport us with delight, when they no longer +strike us with novelty. The skill to renovate the powers of pleasing is +said, indeed, to be possessed by some women in an eminent degree, but +the artifices of maturity are seldom seen to adorn the innocence of +youth. You have made your choice and ought to approve it. + +"To be happy, we must always have something in view. Turn, therefore, +your attention to her mind, which will daily grow brighter by polishing. +Study some easy science together, and acquire a similarity of tastes, +while you enjoy a community of pleasures. You will, by this means, have +many pursuits in common, and be freed from the necessity of separating +to find amusement; endeavor to cement the present union on every side; +let your wife never be kept ignorant of your income, your expenses, your +friendships, or your aversions; let her know your very faults, but make +them amiable by your virtues; consider all concealment as a breach of +fidelity; let her never have anything to find out in your character, and +remember that from the moment one of the partners turns spy upon the +other, they have commenced a state of hostility. + +"Seek not for happiness in singularity, and dread a refinement of wisdom +as a deviation into folly. Listen not to those sages who advise you +always to scorn the counsel of a woman, and if you comply with her +requests pronounce you to be wife-ridden. Think not any privation, +except of positive evil, an excellence; and do not congratulate yourself +that your wife is not a learned lady, or is wholly ignorant how to make +a pudding. Cooking and learning are both good in their places, and may +both be used with advantage. With regard to expense, I can only observe, +that the money laid out in the purchase of luxuries is seldom or ever +profitably employed. We live in an age when splendid furniture and +glittering equipage are grown too common to catch the notice of the +meanest spectator; and for the greater ones, they can only regard our +wasteful folly with silent contempt or open indignation. + +"This may, perhaps, be a displeasing reflection; but the following +consideration ought to make amends. The age we live in pays, I think, a +peculiar attention to the higher distinctions of wit, knowledge, and +virtue, to which we may more safely, more cheaply, and more honorably +aspire. + +"The person of your lady will not grow more pleasing to you; but, pray, +let her not suspect that it grows less so. There is no reproof, however +pointed, no punishment, however severe, that a woman of spirit will not +prefer to neglect; and if she can endure it without complaint, it only +proves that she means to make herself amends by the attention of others +for the slights of her husband. For this, and for every other reason, it +behoves a married man not to let his politeness fail, though his ardour +may abate; but to retain, at least, that general civility towards his +own lady which he is willing to pay to every other, and not show a wife +of eighteen or twenty years old, that every man in company can treat her +with more complaisance than he who so often vowed to her eternal +fondness. + +"It is not my opinion that a young woman should be indulged in every +wild wish of her gay heart, or giddy head; but contradiction may be +softened by domestic kindness, and quiet pleasures substituted in the +place of noisy ones. Public amusements, indeed, are not so expensive as +is sometimes imagined; but they tend to alienate the minds of married +people from each other. A well-chosen society of friends and +acquaintances, more eminent for virtue and good sense than for gaiety +and splendor, where the conversation of the day may afford comment for +the evening, seems the most rational pleasure that can be afforded. That +your own superiority should always be seen, but never felt, seems an +excellent general rule. + +"If your wife is disposed towards jealousy of you, let me beseech you be +always explicit with her, never mysterious. Be above delighting in her +pain in all things." + +After your duty to your wife comes that towards the children whom God +lends to you, to fit them to return pure and virtuous to him. This is +your task, responsibility, and trust, to be undertaken prayerfully, +earnestly, and humbly, as the highest and most sacred duty this life +ever can afford you. + +The relationship between parent and child, is one that appears to have +been ordained by Providence, to bring the better feelings of mankind and +many domestic virtues into active exercise. The implicit confidence with +which children, when properly treated, look up to their elders for +guidance is not less beautiful than endearing; and no parents can set +about the work of guiding aright, in real earnest, without deriving as +much good as they impart. The feeling with which this labor of love +would be carried forward is, as the poet writes of mercy, twice +blessed:-- + + "It blesses him that gives and him that takes." + +And yet, in daily life and experience, how seldom do we find these views +realized! Children, in too many instances, are looked on as anything but +a blessing; they are treated as incumbrances, or worse; and the neglect +in which they are brought up, renders it almost impossible for them, +when they grow older, to know anything properly of moral or social +duties. This result we know, in numerous cases, is not willful, does not +arise from ill intentions on the part of parents, but from want of fixed +plans and principles. There are hundreds of families in this country +whose daily life is nothing better than a daily scramble, where time and +place, from getting up in the morning to going to bed at night, are +regarded as matters of chance. In such homes as these, where the inmates +are willing to do well, but don't know how, a word in season is often +welcome. "Great principles," we are told, "are at the bottom of all +things; but to apply them to daily life, many little rules, precautions, +and insights are needed." + +The work of training is, in some degree, lightened by the fact, that +children are very imitative; what they see others do, they will try to +do themselves, and if they see none but good examples, good conduct on +their part may naturally be looked for. Children are keen observers, and +are very ready at drawing conclusions when they see a want of +correspondence between profession and practice, in those who have the +care of them. At the age of seven, the child's brain has reached its +full growth; it seldom becomes larger after that period, and it then +contains the germ of all that the man ever accomplishes. Here is an +additional reason for laying down the precept:--be yourselves what you +wish the children to be. When correction is necessary, let it be +administered in such a way as to make the child refrain from doing wrong +from a desire to do right, not for the sole reason that wrong brings +punishment. All experience teaches us that if a good thing is to be +obtained, it must be by persevering diligence; and of all good things, +the pleasure arising from a well-trained family is one of the greatest. +Parents, or educators, have no right to use their children just as whim +or prejudice may dictate. Children are smaller links in the great social +chain, and bind together in lasting ties many portions which otherwise +would be completely disjointed; their joyousness enlivens many a home, +and their innocence is a powerful check and antidote to much that is +evil. The implicit obedience which is required of them, will always be +given when called forth by a spirit of forbearance, self-sacrifice, and +love:-- + + "Ere long comes the reward, + And for the cares and toils we have endured, + Repays us joys and pleasures manifold." + +If you cherish and honor your own parents, then do you give your +children the most forcible teaching for their duty, _example_. And your +duty to your children requires your example to be good in all things. +How can you expect counsel to virtue to have any effect, if you +constantly contradict it by a bad example? Do not forget, that early +impressions are deep and lasting, and from their infancy let them see +you keep an upright, noble walk in life, then may you hope to see them +follow in your footsteps. + +Justice, as a sentiment, is inborn, and no one distinguishes its +niceties more quickly than a child. Therefore in your rewards and +punishments examine carefully every part of their conduct, and judge +calmly, not hastily, and be sure you are just. An unmerited reward will +make a child question your judgment as much as an unmerited punishment. + +Guard your temper. Never reprove a child in the heat of passion. + +If your sons see that you regard the rules of politeness in your home, +you will find that they treat their mother and sisters with respect and +courtesy, and observe, even in play, the rules of etiquette your example +teaches; but if you are a domestic tyrant, all your elder and stronger +children will strive to act like "father," by ill-treating or neglecting +the younger and weaker ones. + +Make them, from the moment they begin to talk, use pure and grammatical +language, avoid slang phrases, and, above all, profanity. You will find +this rule, enforced during childhood, will have more effect than a +library full of books or the most unwearied instruction can accomplish, +after bad habits in conversation have once been formed. + +Make them, from early childhood, observe the rules of politeness towards +each other. Let your sons treat your daughters as, when men, you would +have them treat other females, and let your daughters, by gentleness and +love, repay these attentions. You may feel sure that the brothers and +sisters, who are polite one to another, will not err in etiquette when +abroad. + +In the home circle may very properly be included the humble portion, +whose onerous duties are too often repaid by harshness and rudeness; I +mean the servants. A true gentleman, while he never allows familiarity +from his servants, will always remember that they are human beings, who +feel kindness or rudeness as keenly as the more favored ones up stairs. +Chesterfield says:-- + +"There is a certain politeness _due_ to your inferiors, and whoever is +without it, is without good nature. We do not need to compliment our +servants, nor to talk of their doing us the honor, &c., but we ought to +treat them with benevolence and mildness. We are all of the same +species, and no distinction whatever is between us, except that which +arises from fortune. For example, your footman and cook would be your +equals were they as rich as you. Being poor they are obliged to serve +you. Therefore, you must not add to their misfortunes by insulting or +ill-treating them. If your situation is preferable to theirs, be +thankful, without either despising them or being vain of your better +fortune. You must, therefore, treat all your inferiors with affability +and good manners, and not speak to them in a surly tone, nor with harsh +expressions, as if they were of a different species. A good heart never +reminds people of their inferiority, but endeavors to alleviate their +misfortunes, and make them forget them." + +"Example," says Mrs. Parkes, "is of the greatest importance to our +servants, particularly those who are young, whose habits are frequently +formed by the first service they enter. With the mild and good, they +become softened and improved, but with the dissipated and violent, are +too often disorderly and vicious. It is, therefore, not among the least +of the duties incumbent on the head of the family, to place in their +view such examples as are worthy their imitation. But these examples, +otherwise praiseworthy, should neither be rendered disagreeable, nor +have their force diminished by any accompaniment of ill humor. Rather by +the happiness and comfort resulting from our conduct towards our +domestics, should they be made sensible of the beauty of virtue. What we +admire, we often strive to imitate, and thus they may be led on to +imitate good principles, and to form regular and virtuous habits." + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +TRUE COURTESY. + + +Politeness is the art of pleasing. It is to the deportment what the +finer touches of the pencil are to the picture, or what harmony is to +music. In the formation of character, it is indispensably requisite. "We +are all," says Locke, "a kind of chameleons, that take a tincture from +the objects which surround us." True courtesy, indeed, chiefly consists +in accommodating ourselves to the feelings of others, without descending +from our own dignity, or denuding ourselves of our own principles. By +constant intercourse with society, we acquire what is called politeness +almost intuitively, as the shells of the sea are rendered smooth by the +unceasing friction of the waves; though there appears to be a natural +grace about the well-bred, which many feel it difficult to attain. + +Religion itself teaches us to honor all men, and to do unto others as we +would others do unto us. This includes the whole principle of courtesy, +which in this we may remark, assimilates to the principle of justice. It +comprises, indeed, all the moral virtues in one, consisting not merely +in external show, but having its principle in the heart. The politeness +which superficial writers are fond of describing, has been defined as +"the appearance of all the virtues, without possessing one of them;" but +by this is meant the mere outward parade, or that kind of artificial +adornment of demeanor, which owes its existence to an over-refinement of +civility. Anything forced or formal is contrary to the very character of +courtesy, which does not consist in a becoming deportment alone, but is +prompted and guided by a superior mind, impelling the really polite +person to bear with the failings of some, to overlook the weakness of +others, and to endure patiently the caprices of all. Indeed, one of the +essential characteristics of courtesy is good nature, and an inclination +always to look at the bright side of things. + +The principal rules of politeness are, to subdue the temper, to submit +to the weakness of our fellow men, and to render to all their due, +freely and courteously. These, with the judgment to recommend ourselves +to those whom we meet in society, and the discrimination to know when +and to whom to yield, as well as the discretion to treat all with the +deference due to their reputation, station, or merit, comprise, in +general, the character of a polite man, over which the admission of even +one blot or shade will throw a blemish not easily removed. + +Sincerity is another essential characteristic of courtesy; for, without +it, the social system would have no permanent foundation or hope of +continuance. It is the want of this which makes society, what it is said +to be, artificial. + +Good breeding, in a great measure, consists in being easy, but not +indifferent; good humored, but not familiar; passive, but not +unconcerned. It includes, also, a sensibility nice, yet correct; a tact +delicate, yet true. There is a beautiful uniformity in the demeanor of a +polite man; and it is impossible not to be struck with his affable air. +There is a golden mean in the art, which it should be every body's +object to attain, without descending to obsequiousness on the one hand, +or to familiarity on the other. In politeness, as in everything else, +there is the medium betwixt too much and too little, betwixt constraint +and freedom; for civilities carried to extreme are wearisome, and mere +ceremony is not politeness, but the reverse. + +The truly pious people are the truly courteous. "Religion," says +Leighton, "is in this mistaken sometimes, in that we think it imprints a +roughness and austerity upon the mind and carriage. It doth, indeed, bar +all vanity and lightness, and all compliance;" but it softens the +manners, tempers the address, and refines the heart. + +Pride is one of the greatest obstacles to true courtesy that can be +mentioned. He who assumes too much on his own merit, shows that he does +not understand the simplest principles of politeness. The feeling of +pride is, of itself, highly culpable. No man, whether he be a monarch on +the throne, or the meanest beggar in his realm, possesses any right to +comport himself with a haughty or discourteous air towards his fellow +men. The poet truly says: + + "What most ennobles human nature, + Was ne'er the portion of the proud." + +It is easy to bestow a kind word, or assume a gracious smile; these +will recommend us to every one; while a haughty demeanor, or an austere +look, may forfeit forever the favor of those whose good opinion we may +be anxious to secure. The really courteous man has a thorough knowledge +of human nature, and can make allowances for its weaknesses. He is +always consistent with himself. The polite alone know how to make others +polite, as the good alone know how to inspire others with a relish for +virtue. + +Having mentioned pride as being opposed to true politeness, I may class +affectation with it, in that respect. Affectation is a deviation from, +at the same time that it is an imitation of, nature. It is the result of +bad taste, and of mistaken notions of one's own qualities. The other +vices are limited, and have each a particular object; but affectation +pervades the whole conduct, and detracts from the merit of whatever +virtues and good dispositions a man may possess. Beauty itself loses its +attraction, when disfigured by affectation. Even to copy from the best +patterns is improper, because the imitation can never be so good as the +original. Counterfeit coin is not so valuable as the real, and when +discovered, it cannot pass current. Affectation is a sure sign that +there is something to conceal, rather than anything to be proud of, in +the character and disposition of the persons practicing it. + +In religion, affectation, or, as it is fitly called, hypocrisy, is +reprehensible in the highest degree. However grave be their deportment, +of all affected persons, those who, without any real foundation, make +too great pretensions to piety, are certainly the most culpable. The +mask serves to conceal innumerable faults, and, as has been well +remarked, a false devotion too often usurps the place of the true. We +can less secure ourselves against pretenders in matters of religion, +than we can against any other species of impostors; because the mind +being biased in favor of the subject, consults not reason as to the +individual. The conduct of people, which cannot fail to be considered an +evidence of their principles, ought at all times to be conformable to +their pretensions. When God alone is all we are concerned for, we are +not solicitous about mere human approbation. + +Hazlitt says:--"Few subjects are more nearly allied than these +two--vulgarity and affectation. It may be said of them truly that 'thin +partitions do their bounds divide.' There cannot be a surer proof of a +low origin or of an innate meanness of disposition, than to be always +talking and thinking of being genteel. One must feel a strong tendency +to that which one is always trying to avoid; whenever we pretend, on all +occasions, a mighty contempt for anything, it is a pretty clear sign +that we feel ourselves very nearly on a level with it. Of the two +classes of people, I hardly know which is to be regarded with most +distaste, the vulgar aping the genteel, or the genteel constantly +sneering at and endeavoring to distinguish themselves from the vulgar. +These two sets of persons are always thinking of one another; the lower +of the higher with envy, the more fortunate of their less happy +neighbors with contempt. They are habitually placed in opposition to +each other; jostle in their pretensions at every turn; and the same +objects and train of thought (only reversed by the relative situations +of either party) occupy their whole time and attention. The one are +straining every nerve, and outraging common sense, to be thought +genteel; the others have no other object or idea in their heads than not +to be thought vulgar. This is but poor spite; a very pitiful style of +ambition. To be merely not that which one heartily despises, is a very +humble claim to superiority; to despise what one really is, is still +worse. + +"Gentility is only a more select and artificial kind of vulgarity. It +cannot exist but by a sort of borrowed distinction. It plumes itself up +and revels in the homely pretensions of the mass of mankind. It judges +of the worth of everything by name, fashion, opinion; and hence, from +the conscious absence of real qualities or sincere satisfaction in +itself, it builds its supercilious and fantastic conceit on the +wretchedness and wants of others. Violent antipathies are always +suspicious, and betray a secret affinity. The difference between the +'Great Vulgar and the Small' is mostly in outward circumstances. The +coxcomb criticises the dress of the clown, as the pedant cavils at the +bad grammar of the illiterate. Those who have the fewest resources in +themselves, naturally seek the food of their self-love elsewhere. The +most ignorant people find most to laugh at in strangers; scandal and +satire prevail most in country-places; and a propensity to ridicule +every the slightest or most palpable deviation from what we happen to +approve, ceases with the progress of common sense. True worth does not +exult in the faults and deficiencies of others; as true refinement turns +away from grossness and deformity instead of being tempted to indulge in +an unmanly triumph over it. Raphael would not faint away at the daubing +of a sign painter, nor Homer hold his head the higher for being in the +company of the poorest scribbler that ever attempted poetry. Real power, +real excellence, does not seek for a foil in inferiority, nor fear +contamination from coming in contact with that which is coarse and +homely. It reposes on itself, and is equally free from spleen and +affectation. But the spirit of both these small vices is in _gentility_ +as the word stands in vulgar minds: of affected delight in its own +would-be qualifications, and of ineffable disdain poured out upon the +involuntary blunders or accidental disadvantages of those whom it +chooses to treat as inferiors. + +"The essence of vulgarity, I imagine, consists in taking manners, +actions, words, opinions on trust from others, without examining one's +own feelings or weighing the merits of the case. It is coarseness or +shallowness of taste arising from want of individual refinement, +together with the confidence and presumption inspired by example and +numbers. It may be defined to be a prostitution of the mind or body to +ape the more or less obvious defects of others, because by so doing we +shall secure the suffrages of those we associate with. To affect a +gesture, an opinion, a phrase, because it is the rage with a large +number of persons, or to hold it in abhorrence because another set of +persons very little, if at all, better informed, cry it down to +distinguish themselves from the former, is in either case equal +vulgarity and absurdity. A thing is not vulgar merely because it is +common. 'Tis common to breathe, to see, to feel, to live. Nothing is +vulgar that is natural, spontaneous, unavoidable. Grossness is not +vulgarity, ignorance is not vulgarity, awkwardness is not vulgarity; but +all these become vulgar when they are affected, and shown off on the +authority of others, or to fall in with _the fashion_ or the company we +keep. Caliban is coarse enough, but surely he is not vulgar. We might as +well spurn the clod under our feet, and call it vulgar. + +"All slang phrases are vulgar; but there is nothing vulgar in the common +English idiom. Simplicity is not vulgarity; but the looking to +affectation of any sort for distinction is." + +To sum up, it may be said, that if you wish to possess the good opinion +of your fellow men, the way to secure it is, to be actually what you +pretend to be, or rather to appear always precisely what you are. Never +depart from the native dignity of your character, which you can only +maintain irreproachable by being careful not to imitate the vices, or +adopt the follies of others. The best way in all cases you will find to +be, to adhere to truth, and to abide by the talents and appliances which +have been bestowed upon you by Providence. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +LETTER WRITING. + + +There is no branch of a man's education, no portion of his intercourse +with other men, and no quality which will stand him in good stead more +frequently than the capability of writing a good letter upon any and +every subject. In business, in his intercourse with society, in, I may +say, almost every circumstance of his life, he will find his pen called +into requisition. Yet, although so important, so almost indispensable an +accomplishment, it is one which is but little cultivated, and a letter, +perfect in every part, is a great rarity. + +In the composition of a good letter there are many points to be +considered, and we take first the simplest and lowest, namely, the +spelling. + +Many spell badly from ignorance, but more from carelessness. The latter, +writing rapidly, make, very often, mistakes that would disgrace a +schoolboy. If you are in doubt about a word, do not from a feeling of +false shame let the spelling stand in its doubtful position hoping that, +if wrong, it will pass unnoticed, but get a dictionary, and see what is +the correct orthography. Besides the actual misplacing of letters in a +word there is another fault of careless, rapid writing, frequently +seen. This is to write two words in one, running them together. I have +more than once seen _with him_ written _withim_, and _for her_ stand +thus, _forer_. Strange, too, as it may seem, it is more frequently the +short, common words that are misspelled than long ones. They flow from +the pen mechanically, while over an unaccustomed word the writer +unconsciously stops to consider the orthography. Chesterfield, in his +advice to his son, says: + +"I come now to another part of your letter, which is the orthography, if +I may call bad spelling _orthography_. You spell induce, _enduce_; and +grandeur, you spell _grandure_; two faults of which few of my housemaids +would have been guilty. I must tell you that orthography, in the true +sense of the word, is so absolutely necessary for a man of letters, or a +gentleman, that one false spelling may fix ridicule upon him for the +rest of his life; and I know a man of quality, who never recovered the +ridicule of having spelled _wholesome_ without the _w_. + +"Reading with care will secure everybody from false spelling; for books +are always well spelled, according to the orthography of the times. Some +words are indeed doubtful, being spelled differently by different +authors of equal authority; but those are few; and in those cases every +man has his option, because he may plead his authority either way; but +where there is but one right way, as in the two words above mentioned, +it is unpardonable and ridiculous for a gentleman to miss it; even a +woman of tolerable education would despise and laugh at a lover, who +sent her an ill-spelled _billet-doux_. I fear, and suspect, that you +have taken it into your head, in most cases, that the matter is all, and +the manner little or nothing. If you have, undeceive yourself, and be +convinced that, in everything, the manner is full as important as the +matter. If you speak the sense of an angel in bad words, and with a +disagreeable utterance, nobody will hear you twice, who can help it. If +you write epistles as well as Cicero, but in a very bad hand, and very +ill-spelled, whoever receives, will laugh at them." + +After orthography, you should make it a point to write a good hand; +clear, legible, and at the same time easy, graceful, and rapid. This is +not so difficult as some persons imagine, but, like other +accomplishments, it requires practice to make it perfect. You must write +every word so clearly that it _cannot_ be mistaken by the reader, and it +is quite an important requisite to leave sufficient space between the +words to render each one separate and distinct. If your writing is +crowded, it will be difficult to read, even though each letter is +perfectly well formed. An English author, in a letter of advice, says:-- + +"I have often told you that every man who has the use of his eyes and +his hand can write whatever hand he pleases. I do not desire that you +should write the stiff, labored characters of a writing master; a man of +business must write quick and well, and that depends simply upon use. I +would, therefore, advise you to get some very good writing master, and +apply to it for a month only, which will be sufficient; for, upon my +word, the writing of a genteel, plain hand of business is of much more +importance than you think. You say, it may be, that when you write so +very ill, it is because you are in a hurry; to which, I answer, Why are +you ever in a hurry? A man of sense may be in haste, but can never be in +a hurry, because he knows, that whatever he does in a hurry, he must +necessarily do very ill. He may be in haste to dispatch an affair, but +he will take care not to let that haste hinder his doing it well. Little +minds are in a hurry, when the object proves (as it commonly does) too +big for them; they run, they puzzle, confound, and perplex themselves; +they want to do everything at once, and never do it at all. But a man of +sense takes the time necessary for doing the thing he is about, well; +and his haste to dispatch a business, only appears by the continuity of +his application to it; he pursues it with a cool steadiness, and +finishes it before he begins any other.... + +"The few seconds that are saved in the course of the day by writing ill +instead of well, do not amount to an object of time by any means +equivalent to the disgrace or ridicule of a badly written scrawl." + +By making a good, clear hand habitual to you, the caution given above, +with regard to hurry, will be entirely useless, for you will find that +even the most rapid penmanship will not interfere with the beauty of +your hand-writing, and the most absorbing interest in the subject of +your epistle can be indulged; whereas, if you write well only when you +are giving your entire attention to guiding your pen, then, haste in +writing or interest in your subject will spoil the beauty of your sheet. + +Be very careful that the wording of your letters is in strict accordance +with the rules of grammar. Nothing stamps the difference between a well +educated man and an ignorant one more decidedly than the purely +grammatical language of the one compared with the labored sentences, +misplaced verbs, nouns, adjectives, and adverbs of the other. +Chesterfield caricatures this fault in the following letter, written as +a warning to his son, to guard him against its glaring faults: + +"MY LORD: I _had_, last night, the honor of your Lordship's letter of +the 24th; and will _set about doing_ the orders contained _therein_; and +_if so be_ that I can get that affair done by the next post, I will not +fail _for to_ give your Lordship an account of it, by _next post_. I +have told the French Minister, _as how that if_ that affair be not soon +concluded, your Lordship would think it _all long of him_; and that he +must have neglected _for to_ have wrote to his court about it. I must +beg leave to put your Lordship in mind, _as how_, that I am now full +three quarters in arrear; and if _so be_ that I do not very soon receive +at least one half year, I shall _cut a very bad figure_; _for this here_ +place is very dear. I shall be _vastly beholden_ to your Lordship for +_that there_ mark of your favor; and so I _rest_ or _remain_, Your, &c." + +This is, I admit, a broad burlesque of a letter written by a man holding +any important government office, but in the more private correspondence +of a man's life letters quite as absurd and ungrammatical are written +every day. + +Punctuation is another very important point in a letter, because it not +only is a mark of elegance and education to properly punctuate a letter, +but the omission of this point will inevitably confuse your +correspondent, for if you write to your friend: + +"I met last evening Mr James the artist his son a lawyer Mr Gay a friend +of my mother's Mr Clarke and Mr Paul:" + +he will not know whether Mr. Gay is a lawyer or your mother's friend, or +whether it is Mr. James or his son who is an artist; whereas, by the +proper placing of a few punctuation marks you make the sentence clear +and intelligible, thus: + +"I met, last evening, Mr. James, the artist; his son, a lawyer; Mr. Gay, +a friend of my mother's; Mr. Clarke and Mr. Paul." + +Without proper regard being paid to punctuation, the very essence of +good composition is lost; it is of the utmost importance, as clearness, +strength, and accuracy depend upon it, in as great a measure as the +power of an army depends upon the skill displayed in marshalling and +arranging the troops. The separation of one portion of a composition +from another; the proper classification and division of the subjects; +the precise meaning of every word and sentence; the relation each part +bears to previous or following parts; the connection of one portion and +separation of others--all depend upon punctuation. Many persons seem to +consider it sufficient to put in a period at the end of a long sentence, +leaving all the little niceties which a comma, semicolon, or colon would +render clear, in a state of the most lamentable obscurity. Others use +all the points, but misplace them in a most ludicrous manner. A sentence +may be made by the omission or addition of a comma to express a meaning +exactly opposite to the one it expressed before the little mark was +written or erased. The best mode of studying punctuation is to read +over what you write, aloud, and put in the points as you would dwell a +longer or shorter time on the words, were you speaking. + +We now come to the use of capital letters, a subject next, in importance +to punctuation, and one too often neglected, even by writers otherwise +careful. + +The first word of every piece of writing, whether it be a book, a poem, +a story, a letter, a bill, a note, or only a line of directions, must +begin with a capital letter. + +Quotations, even though they are not immediately preceded by a period, +must invariably begin with a capital letter. + +Every new sentence, following a period, exclamation mark, or +interrogation point, must begin with a capital letter. + +Every proper name, whether it be of a person, a place, or an object, +must begin with a capital letter. The pronoun I and exclamation O must +be always written in capital letters. + +Capitals must never, except in the case of proper names or the two +letters mentioned in the last paragraph, be written in the middle of a +sentence. + +A capital letter must never be used in the middle of a word, among the +small letters; nor must it be used at the end of a word. + +Nothing adds more to the beauty of a letter, or any written composition, +than handsomely written capital letters, used in their proper places. + +Having specified the most important points in a correct letter, we next +come to that which, more than anything else, shows the mind of the +writer; that which proves his good or bad education; that which gives +him rank as an elegant or inelegant writer--Style. + +It is style which adorns or disfigures a subject; which makes the +humblest matter appear choice and elegant, or which reduces the most +exalted ideas to a level with common, or vulgar ones. + +Lord Chesterfield says, "It is of the greatest importance to write +letters well; as this is a talent which unavoidably occurs every day of +one's life, as well in business as in pleasure; and inaccuracies in +orthography or in style are never pardoned. Much depends upon the manner +in which they are written; which ought to be easy and natural, not +strained and florid. For instance, when you are about to send a +_billet-doux_, or love letter to a fair friend, you must only think of +what you would say to her if you were both together, and then write it; +that renders the style easy and natural; though some people imagine the +wording of a letter to be a great undertaking, and think they must write +abundantly better than they talk, which is not at all necessary. Style +is the dress of thoughts, and let them be ever so just, if your style is +homely, coarse, and vulgar, they will appear to as much disadvantage and +be as ill received as your person, though ever so well proportioned, +would, if dressed in rags, dirt, and tatters. It is not every +understanding that can judge of matter; but every one can and does +judge, more or less, of style; and were I either to speak or write to +the public, I should prefer moderate matter, adorned with all the +beauties and elegancies of style, to the strongest matter in the world, +ill worded and ill delivered." + +Write legibly, correctly, and without erasures upon a whole sheet of +paper, never upon half a sheet. Choose paper which is thick, white, and +perfectly plain. The initials stamped at the top of a sheet are the only +ornament allowed a gentleman. + +It is an unpardonable fault to write upon a sheet which has anything +written or drawn upon it, or is soiled; and quite as bad to answer a +note upon half the sheet it is written upon, or write on the other side +of a sheet which has been used before. + +Write your own ideas in your own words, neither borrowing or copying +from another. If you are detected in a plagiarism, you will never +recover your reputation for originality, and you may find yourself in +the position of the hero of the following anecdote: + +Mr. O., a man of but little cultivation, fell in love with Miss N., +whose fine intellect was duly improved by a thorough course of study and +reading, while her wit, vivacity, and beauty made Mr. O. one only +amongst many suitors. Fascinated by her beauty and gracious manner he +determined to settle his fate, and ask her to go forward in the alphabet +and choose the next letter to put to her surname. But how? Five times he +tried to speak, and five times the gay beauty so led the discourse that +he left at the end of each interview, no wiser than when he came. At +length he resolved to write. It was the first time he had held the pen +for any but a business letter. After commencing twice with "Dear sir," +once with, "I write to inform you that I am well and hope this letter +will find you the same," and once with, "Your last duly received," he +threw the pen aside in disgust and despair. A love letter was beyond his +feeble capacities. Suddenly a brilliant idea struck him. He had lately +seen, in turning the leaves of a popular novel, a letter, perhaps a love +letter. He procured the book, found the letter. It was full of fire and +passion, words of love, protestations of never failing constancy, and +contained an offer of marriage. With a hand that trembled with ecstasy, +O. copied and signed the letter, sealed, directed, and sent it. The next +day came the answer--simply: + + "My Friend, + + "Turn to the next page and you will find the reply. + + "A. N." + +He did so, and found a polite refusal of his suit. + +The secret of letter writing consists in writing as you would speak. +Thus, if you speak well, you will write well; if you speak ill, you will +also write ill. + +Endeavor always to write as correctly and properly as possible. If you +have reason to doubt your own spelling, carefully read and correct every +letter before you fold it. An ill-formed letter is, however, better let +alone. You will not improve it by trying to reform it, and the effort +will be plainly visible. + +Let your style be simple, concise, and clear, entirely void of +pretension, without any phrases written merely for effect, without +useless flowery language, respectful towards superiors, women, and +older persons, and it will be well. + +Abbreviations are only permitted in business letters, and in friendly +correspondence must never be used. + +Figures are never to be used excepting when putting a date or a sum of +money. In a business letter the money is generally specified both in +figures and words, thus; $500 Five hundred dollars. + +You may put the name, date, and address of a letter either at the top of +the page or at the end. I give a specimen of each style to show my +meaning. + + PHILADELPHIA, _June 25th, 1855_. + + MR. JAMES SMITH, + + Dear Sir, + + The goods ordered in your letter of the 19th inst. were sent + this morning by Adam's Express. We shall be always happy to + hear from you, and will promptly fill any further orders. + + Yours, truly, + JONES, BROWN, & CO. + +or, + + Dear Sir, + + Your favor of the 5th inst. received to day. Will execute your + commissions with pleasure. + + Yours, truly, + J. Jones. + + MR. JAMES SMITH. + PHILA., _June 25th, 1854_. + +If you send your own address put it under your own signature, thus: + + J. JONES, + 17 W---- st., + NEW YORK. + +The etiquette of letter-writing, should, as much as possible, be +influenced by principles of truth. The superscription and the +subscription should alike be in accordance with the tone of the +communication, and the domestic or social relation of those between whom +it passes. Communications upon professional or business matters, where +no acquaintance exists to modify the circumstances, should be written +thus:--"Mr. Gillot will feel obliged by Mr. Slack's sending by the +bearer," &c. It is an absurdity for a man who writes a challenge, or an +offensive letter, to another, to subscribe himself, "Your obedient +Servant." I dislike this form of subscription, also, when employed by +persons of equal rank. It is perfectly becoming when addressed by a +servant to an employer. But in other cases, "Yours truly," "Yours very +truly," "Your Friend," "Your sincere Friend," "Your Well-wisher," "Your +grateful Friend," "Your affectionate Friend," &c., &c., appears to be +much more truthful, and to be more in keeping with the legitimate +expression of good feeling. It is impossible to lay down a set of rules +that shall govern all cases. But as a principle, it may be urged, that +no person should address another as, "Dear Sir," or, "Dear Madam," +without feelings and relations that justify the use of the adjective. +These compliments are mockeries. No one who entertains a desire to +write another as "dear," need feel afraid of giving offence by +familiarity; for all mankind prize the esteem even of their humblest +fellows too much to be annoyed by it. And in proportion as the integrity +of the forms of correspondence increase, so will these expressions of +good feeling be more appreciated. + +The next point to be considered is the _subject_ of your letter, and +without a good subject the epistle will be apt to be dull. I do not mean +by this that it is necessary to have any extraordinary event to relate, +or startling news to communicate; but in order to write a _good_ letter, +it is necessary to have a _good_ subject, that you may not rival the +Frenchman who wrote to his wife--"I write to you because I have nothing +to do: I stop because I have nothing to say." Letters written without +aim or object, simply for the sake of writing, are apt to be stupid, +trivial, or foolish. + +You may write to a friend to congratulate him upon some happy event to +himself, or to condole with him in some misfortune, or to ask his +congratulations or condolence for yourself. You may write to enquire for +his health, or to extend an invitation, a letter of thanks, +felicitations, upon business, or a thousand other subjects, which it is +useless for me to enumerate. + +LETTERS OF BUSINESS. The chief object in a letter of business is to +communicate or enquire about some one fact, and the epistle should be +confined entirely to that fact. All compliments, jests, high-flown +language and sentiment, are entirely out of place in a business letter, +and brevity should be one of the most important aims. Do not let your +desire to be brief, however, make your meaning obscure; better to add a +few words, or even lines, to the length of your letter, than to send it +in confused, unintelligible language. Chesterfield's advice on business +letters is excellent. He says: + +"The first thing necessary in writing letters of business is, extreme +clearness and perspicuity; every paragraph should be so clear and +unambiguous that the dullest fellow in the world may not be able to +mistake it, nor obliged to read it twice in order to understand it. This +necessary clearness implies a correctness, without excluding an elegance +of style. Tropes, figures, antithesis, epigrams, &c., would be as +misplaced and as impertinent in letters of business as they are +sometimes (if judiciously used) proper and pleasing in familiar letters, +upon common and trite subjects. In business, an elegant simplicity, the +result of care, not of labor, is required. Business must be well, not +affectedly dressed; but by no means negligently. Let your first +attention be to clearness, and read every paragraph after you have +written it, in the critical view of discovering whether it is possible +that any one man can mistake the true sense of it; and correct it +accordingly. + +"Our pronouns and relatives often create obscurity and ambiguity; be, +therefore, exceedingly attentive to them, and take care to mark out with +precision their particular relations. For example, Mr. Johnson +acquainted me, that he had seen Mr. Smith, who had promised him to speak +to Mr. Clarke, to return him (Mr. Johnson) those papers, which he (Mr. +Smith) had left some time ago with him (Mr. Clarke); it is better to +repeat a name, though unnecessarily, ten times, than to have the person +mistaken once. + +"_Who_, you know, is singly relative to persons, and cannot be applied +to things; _which_ and _that_ are chiefly relative to things, but not +absolutely exclusive of persons; for one may say the man, _that_ robbed +or killed such-a-one; but it is better to say, the man _who_ robbed or +killed. One never says, the man or woman _which_. _Which_ and _that_, +though chiefly relative to things, cannot be always used indifferently +as to things. For instance, the letter _which_ I received from you, +_which_ you referred to in your last, _which_ came by Lord Albemarle's +messenger, _which_ I showed to such-a-one; I would change it thus--The +letter that I received from you, _which_ you referred to in your last, +_that_ came by Lord Albemarle's messenger, and _which_ I showed to +such-a-one. + +"Business does not exclude (as possibly you wish it did) the usual terms +of politeness and good breeding; but, on the contrary, strictly requires +them; such as, _I have the honor to acquaint you_; _Permit me to assure +you_; or, _If I may be allowed to give my opinion, &c._ + +"LETTERS OF BUSINESS will not only admit of, but be the better for +_certain graces_--but then, they must be scattered with a skillful and +sparing hand; they must fit their place exactly. They must adorn without +encumbering, and modestly shine without glaring. But as this is the +utmost degree of perfection in letters of business, I would not advise +you to attempt those embellishments, till you have just laid your +foundation well. + +"Carefully avoid all Greek or Latin quotations; and bring no precedents +from the _virtuous Spartans_, _the polite Athenians_, _and the brave +Romans_. Leave all that to futile pedants. No flourishes, no +declamations. But (I repeat it again) there is an elegant simplicity and +dignity of style absolutely necessary for _good_ letters of business; +attend to that carefully. Let your periods be harmonious, without +seeming to be labored; and let them not be too long, for that always +occasions a degree of obscurity. I should not mention correct +orthography, but that to fail in that particular will bring ridicule +upon you; for no man is allowed to spell ill. The hand-writing, too, +should be good; and I cannot conceive why it is ever otherwise, since +every man may, certainly, write whatever hand he pleases. Neatness in +folding up, sealing, and directing your packets is, by no means, to be +neglected. There is something in the exterior, even of a packet or +letter, that may please or displease; and, consequently, worth some +attention." + +If you are writing a letter, either upon your own business or upon that +of the person you are addressing, not in answer to him, but opening the +subject between you, follow the rule of clearness and of business +brevity. Come to the point at once, in order that the person addressed +may easily comprehend you. Put nobody to the labor of _guessing_ what +you desire, and be careful that half-instructions do not lead your +correspondent astray. If you have so clear an idea of your operation in +your mind, or if it is so simple a one that it needs no words, except +specific directions, or a plain request, you need not waste time, but, +with the proper forms of courtesy, instruct him of your wishes. In +whatever you write, remember that time is valuable; and that +embarrassing or indefinite letters are a great nuisance to a business +man. I need hardly remark, that punctuality in answering correspondents +is one of the cardinal business virtues. Where it is possible, answer +letters by return of post, as you will thus save your own time, and pay +your correspondent a flattering compliment. And in opening a +correspondence or writing upon your own business, let your communication +be made at the earliest proper date in order that your correspondent, as +well as yourself, may have the benefit of thought and deliberation. + +LETTERS OF INQUIRY should be written in a happy medium, between tedious +length and the brevity which would betoken indifference. As the subject +is generally limited to questions upon one subject, they will not admit +of much verbiage, and if your inquiry relates simply to a matter of +business, it is better to confine your words strictly to that business; +if, however, you are writing to make inquiry as to the health of a +friend, or any other matter in which feeling or affection dictates the +epistle, the cold, formal style of a business letter would become +heartless, and, in many cases, positively insulting. You must here add +some words of compliment, express your friendly interest in the subject, +and your hope that a favorable answer may be returned, and if the +occasion is a painful one, a few lines of regret or condolence may be +added. + +If you are requesting a favor of your correspondent, you should +apologize for the trouble you are giving him, and mention the necessity +which prompts you to write. + +If you are making inquiries of a friend, your letter will then admit of +some words of compliment, and may be written in an easy, familiar style. + +If writing to a stranger, your request for information becomes a +personal favor, and you should write in a manner to show him that you +feel this. Speak of the obligation he will confer, mention the necessity +which compels you to trouble him, and follow his answer by a note of +thanks. + +Always, when sending a letter of inquiry, enclose a stamp for the +answer. If you trouble your correspondent to take his time to write you +information, valuable only to yourself, you have no right to tax him +also for the price of postage. + +ANSWERS TO LETTERS OF INQUIRY should be written as soon as possible +after such letters are received. If the inquiry is of a personal nature, +concerning your health, family affairs, or the denial or corroboration +of some report concerning yourself, you should thank your correspondent +for the interest he expresses, and such a letter should be answered +immediately. If the letter you receive contains questions which you +cannot answer instantly, as, for instance, if you are obliged to see a +third party, or yourself make inquiry upon the subject proposed, it is +best to write a few lines acknowledging the receipt of your friend's +letter, expressing your pleasure at being able to serve him, and stating +why you cannot immediately give him the desired information, with the +promise to write again as soon as such information is yours to send. + +LETTERS REQUESTING FAVORS are trying to write, and must be dictated by +the circumstances which make them necessary. Be careful not to be +servile in such letters. Take a respectful, but, at the same time, manly +tone; and, while you acknowledge the obligation a favorable answer will +confer, do not adopt the cringing language of a beggar. + +LETTERS CONFERRING FAVORS should never be written in a style to make the +recipient feel a weight of obligation; on the contrary, the style should +be such as will endeavor to convince your correspondent that in his +acceptance of your favor _he_ confers an obligation upon _you_. + +LETTERS REFUSING FAVORS call for your most courteous language, for they +must give some pain, and this may be very much softened by the manner in +which you write. Express your regret at being unable to grant your +friend's request, a hope that at some future time it may be in your +power to answer another such letter more favorably, and give a good +reason for your refusal. + +LETTERS ACKNOWLEDGING FAVORS, or letters of thanks, should be written in +a cordial, frank, and grateful style. While you earnestly thank your +correspondent for his kindness, you must never hint at any payment of +the obligation. If you have the means of obliging him near you at that +instant, make your offer of the favor the subject of another letter, +lest he attribute your haste to a desire to rid yourself of an +obligation. To hint at a future payment is still more indelicate. When +you can show your gratitude by a suitable return, then let your actions, +not your words, speak for the accuracy of your memory in retaining the +recollection of favors conferred. + +ANONYMOUS LETTERS. The man who would write an anonymous letter, either +to insult the person addressed, or annoy a third person, is a scoundrel, +"whom 'twere gross flattery to name a coward." None but a man of the +lowest principles, and meanest character, would commit an act to gratify +malice or hatred without danger to himself. A gentleman will treat such +a communication with the contemptuous silence which it deserves. + +LETTERS OF INTELLIGENCE. The first thing to be regarded in a letter of +intelligence is _truth_. They are written on every variety of subjects, +under circumstances of the saddest and the most joyful nature. They are +written often under the pressure of the most crushing grief, at other +times when the hand trembles with ecstacy, and very frequently when a +weight of other cares and engagements makes the time of the writer +invaluable. Yet, whether the subject communicated concerns yourself or +another, remember that every written word is a record for your veracity +or falsehood. If exaggeration, or, still worse, malice, guide your pen, +in imparting painful subjects, or if the desire to avoid causing grief +makes you violate truth to soften trying news, you are signing your name +to a written falsehood, and the letter may, at some future time, rise to +confront you and prove that your intelligence cannot be trusted. +Whatever the character of the news you communicate, let taste and +discretion guide you in the manner of imparting it. If it is of so +sorrowful a character that you know it must cause pain, you may endeavor +to open the subject gradually, and a few lines of sympathy and comfort, +if unheeded at the time, may be appreciated when the mourner re-reads +your letter in calmer moments. Joyful news, though it does not need the +same caution, also admits of expressions of sympathy. + +Never write the gossip around you, unless you are _obliged_ to +communicate some event, and then write only what you know to be true, +or, if you speak of doubtful matters, state them to be such. Avoid mere +scandal and hearsay, and, above all, avoid letting your own malice or +bitterness of feeling color all your statements in their blackest dye. +Be, under such circumstances, truthful, just, and charitable. + +LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION should be written only when they are +positively necessary, and great caution should be used in giving them. +They make you, in a measure, responsible for the conduct of another, and +if you give them frequently, on slight grounds, you will certainly have +cause to repent your carelessness. They are letters of business, and +should be carefully composed; truthful, while they are courteous, and +just, while they are kind. If you sacrifice candor to a mistaken +kindness, you not only make yourself a party to any mischief that may +result, but you are committing a dishonest act towards the person to +whom the letter will be delivered. + +LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION should be short, as they are generally delivered +in person, and ought not to occupy much time in reading, as no one likes +to have to wait while a long letter of introduction is read. While you +speak of the bearer in the warm language of friendship, do not write +praises in such a letter; they are about as much in place as they would +be if you spoke them at a personal introduction. Leave letters of +introduction unsealed, for it is a gross breach of politeness to +prevent the bearer from reading what you have written, by fastening the +envelope. The most common form is:-- + + Dear Sir, + + It gives me much pleasure to introduce to you, the bearer of + this letter, as my friend Mr. J----, who is to remain a few + days in your city on his way to New Orleans. I trust that the + acquaintance of two friends, for whom I have so long + entertained so warm an esteem, will prove as pleasant as my + intercourse with each has always been. Any attention which it + may be in your power to pay to Mr. J----, whilst he is in your + city, will be highly appreciated and gratefully acknowledged by + + Your sincere friend + JAMES C. RAY. + + MR. L. G. EDMONDS. + _June 23d, 18--._ + +If your letter is to introduce any gentleman in his business or +professional capacity, mention what that business is; and if your own +acquaintance with the bearer is slight, you may also use the name of the +persons from whom he brought letters to yourself. Here, you may, with +perfect propriety, say a few words in praise of the bearer's skill in +his professional labors. If he is an artist, you need not hesitate to +give a favorable opinion of whatever of his pictures you have seen, or, +if a musician, express the delight his skill has afforded you. + +A LETTER REQUESTING AN AUTOGRAPH should always enclose a postage stamp +for the reply. In such a letter some words of compliment, expressive of +the value of the name for which you ask, is in good taste. You may refer +to the deeds or celebrity which have made the name so desirable, and +also express your sense of the greatness of the favor, and the +obligation the granting of it will confer. + +AUTOGRAPH LETTERS should be short; containing merely a few lines, +thanking the person addressed for the compliment paid in requesting the +signature, and expressive of the pleasure it gives you to comply with +the request. If you wish to refuse (though none but a churl would do +so), do not fall into the error of an eccentric American whose high +position in the army tempted a collector of autographs to request his +signature. The general wrote in reply:-- + + "Sir, + + "I'll be hanged if I send my autograph to anybody. + + "Yours, + + "----." + +and signed his name in full in the strong, bold letters which always +characterized his hand writing. + +INVITATIONS TO LADIES should be written in the third person, unless you +are very intimate with them, or can claim relationship. All letters +addressed to a lady should be written in a respectful style, and when +they are short and to a comparative stranger, the third person is the +most elegant one to use. Remember, in directing letters to young ladies, +the eldest one in a family is addressed by the surname alone, while the +others have also the proper name; thus, if you wrote to the daughters +of Mr. Smith, the eldest one is Miss Smith, the others, Miss Annie Smith +and Miss Jane Smith. + +Invitations should be sent by your own servant, or clerk. Nothing is +more vulgar than sending invitations through the despatch, and you run +the risk of their being delayed. The first time that you invite a lady +to accompany you to ride, walk, or visit any place of public amusement, +you should also invite her mother, sister, or any other lady in the same +family, unless you have a mother or sister with whom the lady invited is +acquainted, when you should say in your note that your mother or sister +will accompany you. + +LETTERS OF COMPLIMENT being confined to one subject should be short and +simple. If they are of thanks for inquiry made, they should merely echo +the letter they answer, with the acknowledgement of your correspondent's +courtesy. + +LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION. Letters of congratulation are the most +agreeable of all letters to write; your subject is before you, and you +have the pleasure of sympathizing in the happiness of a friend. They +should be written in a frank, genial style, with warm expressions of +pleasure at your friend's joy, and admit of any happy quotations or +jest. + +When congratulating your friend on an occasion of happiness to himself, +be very careful that your letter has no word of envy at his good +fortune, no fears for its short duration, no prophecy of a change for +the worse; let all be bright, cheerful, and hopeful. There are few men +whose life calls for letters of congratulation upon many occasions, let +them have bright, unclouded ones when they can claim them. If you have +other friends whose sorrow makes a contrast with the joy of the person +to whom you are writing, nay, even if you yourself are in affliction, do +not mention it in such a letter. + +At the same time avoid the satire of exaggeration in your expressions of +congratulation, and be very careful how you underline a word. If you +write a hope that your friend may be _perfectly happy_, he will not +think that the emphasis proves the strength of your wish, but that you +are fearful that it will not be fulfilled. + +If at the same time that you are writing a letter of congratulation, you +have sorrowful news to communicate, do not put your tidings of grief +into your congratulatory letter; let that contain only cheerful, +pleasant words; even if your painful news must be sent the same day, +send it in a separate epistle. + +LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE are trying both to the writer and to the reader. +If your sympathy is sincere, and you feel the grief of your friend as if +it were your own, you will find it difficult to express in written words +the sorrow that you are anxious to comfort. + +Even the warmest, most sincere expressions, sound cold and commonplace +to the mourner, and one grasp of the hand, one glance of the eye, will +do more to express sympathy than whole sheets of written words. It is +best not to try to say _all_ that you feel. You will fail in the attempt +and may weary your friend. Let your letter, then, be short, (not +heartlessly so) but let its words, though few, be warm and sincere. Any +light, cheerful jesting will be insulting in a letter of condolence. If +you wish to comfort by bringing forward blessings or hopes for the +future, do not do it with gay, or jesting expressions, but in a gentle, +kind manner, drawing your words of comfort, not from trivial, passing +events, but from the highest and purest sources. + +If the subject for condolence be loss of fortune or any similar event, +your letter will admit of the cheering words of every-day life, and +kindly hopes that the wheel of fortune may take a more favorable turn; +but, if death causes your friend's affliction, there is but little to be +said in the first hours of grief. Your letter of sympathy and comfort +may be read after the first crushing grief is over, and appreciated +then, but words of comfort are but little heeded when the first agony of +a life-long separation is felt in all the force of its first hours. + +LETTERS SENT WITH PRESENTS should be short, mere cards of compliment, +and written in the third person. + +LETTERS ACKNOWLEDGING PRESENTS should also be quite short, written in +the third person, and merely containing a few lines of thanks, with a +word or two of admiration for the beauty, value, or usefulness of the +gift. + +LETTERS OF ADVICE are generally very unpalatable for the reader, and had +better not be written unless solicited, and not then unless your counsel +will really benefit your correspondent. When written, let them be +courteous, but, at the same time, perfectly frank. If you can avert an +evil by writing a letter of advice, even when unsolicited, it is a +friendly office to write, but it is usually a thankless one. + +To write after an act has been performed, and state what your advice +would have been, had your opinion been asked, is extremely foolish, and +if you disapprove of the course that has been taken, your best plan is, +certainly, to say nothing about it. + +In writing your letter of advice, give your judgement as an opinion, not +a law, and say candidly that you will not feel hurt if contrary advice +offered by any other, more competent to judge in the case, is taken. +While your candor may force you to give the most unpalatable counsel, +let your courtesy so express it, that it cannot give offence. + +LETTERS OF EXCUSE are sometimes necessary, and they should be written +promptly, as a late apology for an offence is worse than no apology at +all. They should be written in a frank, manly style, containing an +explanation of the offence, and the facts which led to it, the assurance +of the absence of malice or desire to offend, sorrow for the +circumstances, and a hope that your apology will be accepted. Never wait +until circumstances force an apology from you before writing a letter of +excuse. A frank, prompt acknowledgement of an offence, and a candidly +expressed desire to atone for it, or for indulgence towards it, cannot +fail to conciliate any reasonable person. + +CARDS OF COMPLIMENT must always be written in the third person. + +ANSWERS. The first requisite in answering a letter upon any subject, is +promptness. If you can answer by return of mail, do so; if not, write as +soon as possible. If you receive a letter making inquiries about facts +which you will require time to ascertain, then write a few lines +acknowledging the receipt of the letter of inquiry and promising to send +the information as soon as possible. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +WEDDING ETIQUETTE. + + +From an English work, "The Habits of Good Society," I quote some +directions for the guidance of the happy man who proposes to enter the +state of matrimony. I have altered a few words to suit the difference of +country, but when weddings are performed in church, the rules given here +are excellent. They will apply equally well to the evening ceremony. + +"At a time when our feelings are or ought to be most susceptible, when +the happiness or misery of a condition in which there is no medium +begins, we are surrounded with forms and etiquettes which rise before +the unwary like spectres, and which even the most rigid ceremonialists +regard with a sort of dread. + +"Were it not, however, for these forms, and for this necessity of being +_en regle_, there might, on the solemnization of marriage, be confusion, +forgetfulness, and, even--speak it not aloud--irritation among the +parties most intimately concerned. Excitement might ruin all. Without a +definite programme, the old maids of the family would be thrusting in +advice. The aged chronicler of past events, or grandmother by the +fireside, would have it all her way; the venerable bachelor in tights, +with his blue coat and metal buttons, might throw every thing into +confusion by his suggestions. It is well that we are independent of all +these interfering advisers; that there is no necessity to appeal to +them. Precedent has arranged it all; we have only to put in or +understand what that stern authority has laid down; how it has been +varied by modern changes; and we must just shape our course boldly. +'Boldly?' But there is much to be done before we come to that. First, +there is the offer to be made. Well may a man who contemplates such a +step say to himself, with Dryden: + + 'These are the realms of everlasting fate;' + +for, in truth, on marriage one's well-being not only here but even +hereafter mainly depends. But it is not on this bearing of the subject +that we wish to enter, contenting ourselves with a quotation from the +_Spectator_: + +"'It requires more virtues to make a good husband or wife, than what go +to the finishing any the most shining character whatsoever.' + +"In France, an engagement is an affair of negotiation and business; and +the system, in this respect, greatly resembles the practice in England, +on similar occasions, a hundred and fifty or two hundred years ago, or +even later. France is the most unchanging country in the world in her +habits and domestic institutions, and foremost among these is her +'_Marriage de convenance_,' or '_Marriage de raison_.' + +"It is thus brought about. So soon as a young girl quits the school or +convent where she has been educated, her friends cast about for a +suitable _parti_. Most parents in France take care, so soon as a +daughter is born, to put aside a sum of money for her '_dot_,' as they +well know that, whatever may be her attractions, _that_ is indispensable +in order to be married. They are ever on the look out for a youth with, +at least, an equal fortune, or more; or, if they are rich, for title, +which is deemed tantamount to fortune; even the power of writing those +two little letters _De_ before your name has some value in the marriage +contract. Having satisfied themselves, they thus address the young +lady:--'It is now time for you to be married; I know of an eligible +match; you can see the gentleman, either at such a ball, or [if he is +serious] at church. I do not ask you to take him if his appearance is +positively disagreeable to you; if so, we will look out for some one +else.' + +"As a matter of custom, the young lady answers that the will of her +parents is hers; she consents to take a survey of him to whom her +destiny is to be entrusted; and let us presume that he is accepted, +though it does not follow, and sometimes it takes several months to look +out, as it does for other matters, a house, or a place, or a pair of +horses. However, she consents; a formal introduction takes place; the +_promis_ calls in full dress to see his future wife; they are only just +to speak to each other, and those few unmeaning words are spoken in the +presence of the bride-elect's mother; for the French think it most +indiscreet to allow the affections of a girl to be interested before +marriage, lest during the arrangements for the contract all should be +broken off. If she has no dislike, it is enough; never for an instant +are the engaged couple left alone, and in very few cases do they go up +to the altar with more than a few weeks' acquaintance, and usually with +less. The whole matter is then arranged by notaries, who squabble over +the marriage-contract, and get all they can for their clients. + +"The contract is usually signed in France on the day before the +marriage, when all is considered safe; the religious portion of their +bond takes place in the church, and then the two young creatures are +left together to understand each other if they can, and to love each +other if they will; if not they must content themselves with what is +termed, _un menage de Paris_. + +"In England, formerly, much the same system prevailed. A boy of +fourteen, before going on his travels, was contracted to a girl of +eleven, selected as his future wife by parents or guardians; he came +back after the _grande tour_ to fulfil the engagement. But by law it was +imperative that forty days should at least pass between the contract and +the marriage; during which dreary interval the couple, leashed together +like two young greyhounds, would have time to think of the future. In +France, the perilous period of reflection is not allowed. 'I really am +so glad we are to take a journey,' said a young French lady to her +friends; 'I shall thus get to know something about my husband; he is +quite a stranger to me.' Some striking instances of the _Marriage de +convenance_ being infringed on, have lately occurred in France. The late +Monsieur de Tocqueville married for love, after a five years' +engagement. Guizot, probably influenced by his acquaintance with +England, gave his daughters liberty to choose for themselves, and they +married for _love_[B]--'a very indelicate proceeding,' remarked a French +comtesse of the old _regime_, when speaking of this arrangement. + +[B] Two brothers, named _De Witte_. + +"Nothing can be more opposed to all this than the American system. They +are so tenacious of the freedom of choice, that even persuasion is +thought criminal. + +"In France negotiations are often commenced on the lady's side; in +America, never. Even too encouraging a manner, even the ordinary +attentions of civility, are, occasionally, a matter of reproach. We are +jealous of the delicacy of that sacred bond; which we presume to hope is +to spring out of mutual affection. A gentleman who, from whatever +motives, has made up his mind to marry, may set about it in two ways. He +may propose by letter or in words. The customs of society imply the +necessity of a sufficient knowledge of the lady to be addressed. This, +even in this country, is a difficult point to be attained; and, after +all, cannot be calculated by time, since, in large cities, you may know +people a year, and yet be comparative strangers; and, meeting them in +the country, may become intimate in a week. + +"Having made up his mind, the gentleman offers--wisely, if he can, in +speech. Letters are seldom expressive of what really passes in the mind +of man; or, if expressive, seem foolish, since deep feelings are liable +to exaggeration. Every written word may be the theme of cavil. Study, +care, which avail in every other species of composition, are death to +the lover's effusion. A few sentences, spoken in earnest, and broken by +emotion, are more eloquent than pages of sentiment, both to parent and +daughter. Let him, however, speak and be accepted. He is, in that case, +instantly taken into the intimacy of his adopted relatives. Such is the +notion of American honor, that the engaged couple are henceforth allowed +to be frequently alone together, in walking and at home. If there be no +known obstacle to the engagement, the gentleman and lady are mutually +introduced to the respective relatives of each. It is for the +gentleman's family to call first; for him to make the first present; and +this should be done as soon as possible after the offer has been +accepted. It is a sort of seal put upon the affair. The absence of +presents is thought to imply want of earnestness in the matter. This +present generally consists of some personal ornament, say, a ring, and +should be handsome, but not so handsome as that made for the +wedding-day. During the period that elapses before the marriage, the +betrothed man should conduct himself with peculiar deference to the +lady's family and friends, even if beneath his own station. It is often +said: 'I marry such a lady, but I do not mean to marry her whole +family.' This disrespectful pleasantry has something in it so cold, so +selfish, that even if the lady's family be disagreeable, there is a +total absence of delicate feeling to her in thus speaking of those +nearest to her. To her parents especially, the conduct of the betrothed +man should be respectful; to her sisters kind without familiarity; to +her brothers, every evidence of good-will should be testified. In making +every provision for the future, in regard to settlements, allowance for +dress, &c., the _extent_ of liberality convenient should be the spirit +of all arrangements. Perfect candor as to his own affairs, respectful +consideration for those of the family he is about to enter, mark a true +gentleman. + +"In France, however gay and even blameable a man may have been before +his betrothal, he conducts himself with the utmost propriety after that +event. A sense of what is due to a lady should repress all habits +unpleasant to her; smoking, if disagreeable; frequenting places of +amusement without her; or paying attention to other women. In this +respect, indeed, the sense of honor should lead a man to be as +scrupulous when his future wife is absent as when she is present, if not +more so. + +"In equally bad taste is exclusiveness. The devotions of two engaged +persons should be reserved for the _tete-a-tete_, and women are +generally in fault when it is otherwise. They like to exhibit their +conquest; they cannot dispense with attentions; they forget that the +demonstration of any peculiar condition of things in society must make +some one uncomfortable; the young lady is uncomfortable because she is +not equally happy; the young man detests what he calls nonsense; the old +think there is a time for all things. All sitting apart, therefore, and +peculiar displays, are in bad taste; I am inclined to think that they +often accompany insincerity, and that the truest affections are those +which are reserved for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private +interviews. At the same time, the airs of indifference and avoidance +should be equally guarded against; since, however strong and mutual +attachment may be, such a line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead +others, and so produce mischief. True feeling, and a lady-like +consideration for others, a point in which the present generation +essentially fails, are the best guides for steering between the extremes +of demonstration on the one hand, and of frigidity on the other. + +"During the arrangement of pecuniary matters, a young lady should +endeavor to understand what is going on, receiving it in a right spirit. +If she has fortune, she should, in all points left to her, be generous +and confiding, at the same time prudent. Many a man, she should +remember, may abound in excellent qualities, and yet be improvident. He +may mean to do well, yet have a passion for building; he may be the very +soul of good nature, yet fond of the gaming-table; he may have no wrong +propensities of that sort, and yet have a confused notion of accounts, +and be one of those men who muddle away a great deal of money, no one +knows how; or he may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good +care of the pence, till he tires your very life out about an extra +dollar; or he may be facile or weakly good natured, and have a friend +who preys on him, and for whom he is disposed to become security. +Finally, the beloved Charles, Henry, or Reginald may have none of these +propensities, but may chance to be an honest merchant, or a tradesman, +with all his floating capital in business, and a consequent risk of +being one day rich, the next a pauper. + +"Upon every account, therefore, it is desirable for a young lady to have +a settlement on her; and she should not, from a weak spirit of romance, +oppose her friends who advise it, since it is for her husband's +advantage as well as her own. By making a settlement there is always a +fund which cannot be touched--a something, however small, as a +provision for a wife and children; and whether she have fortune or not, +this ought to be made. An allowance for dress should also be arranged; +and this should be administered in such a way that a wife should not +have to ask for it at inconvenient hours, and thus irritate her husband. + +"Every preliminary being settled, there remains nothing except to fix +the marriage-day, a point always left to the lady to advance; and next +to settle how the ceremonial is to be performed is the subject of +consideration. + +"It is to be lamented that, previous to so solemn a ceremony, the +thoughts of the lady concerned must necessarily be engaged for some time +upon her _trousseau_. The _trousseau_ consists, in this country, of all +the habiliments necessary for a lady's use for the first two or three +years of her married life; like every other outfit there are always a +number of articles introduced into it that are next to useless, and are +only calculated for the vain-glory of the ostentatious. + +"The _trousseau_ being completed, and the day fixed, it becomes +necessary to select the bridesmaids and the bridegroom's man, and to +invite the guests. + +"The bridesmaids are from two to eight in number. It is ridiculous to +have many, as the real intention of the bridesmaid is, that she should +act as a witness of the marriage. It is, however, thought a compliment +to include the bride's sisters and those of the bridegroom's relations +and intimate friends, in case sisters do not exist. + +"When a bride is young the bridesmaids should be young; but it is absurd +to see a 'single woman of a certain age,' or a widow, surrounded by +blooming girls, making her look plain and foolish. For them the discreet +woman of thirty-five is more suitable as a bridesmaid. Custom decides +that the bridesmaids should be spinsters, but there is no legal +objection to a married woman being a bridesmaid, should it be necessary, +as it might be abroad, or at sea, or where ladies are few in number. +Great care should be taken not to give offence in the choice of +bridesmaids by a preference, which is always in bad taste on momentous +occasions. + +"The guests at the wedding should be selected with similar attention to +what is right and kind, with consideration to those who have a claim on +us, not only to what we ourselves prefer. + +"For a great wedding breakfast, it is customary to send out printed +cards from the parents or guardians from whose house the young lady is +to be married. + +"Early in the day, before eleven, the bride should be dressed, taking +breakfast in her own room. In America they load a bride with lace +flounces on a rich silk, and even sometimes with ornaments. In France it +is always remembered, with better taste, that when a young lady goes up +to the altar, she is '_encore jeune fille_;' her dress, therefore, is +exquisitely simple; a dress of tulle over white silk, a long, wide veil of +white tulle, going down to the very feet, a wreath of maiden-blush-roses +interspersed with orange flowers. This is the usual costume of a French +bride of rank, or in the middle classes equally. + +"The gentleman's dress should differ little from his full morning +costume. The days are gone by when gentlemen were married--as a +recently deceased friend of mine was--in white satin breeches and +waistcoat. In these days men show less joy in their attire at the fond +consummation of their hopes, and more in their faces. A dark-blue +frock-coat--black being superstitiously considered ominous--a white +waistcoat, and a pair of light trousers, suffice for the 'happy man.' +The neck-tie also should be light and simple. Polished boots are not +amiss, though plain ones are better. The gloves must be as white as the +linen. Both are typical--for in these days types are as important as +under the Hebrew law-givers--of the purity of mind and heart which are +supposed to exist in their wearer. Eheu! after all, he cannot be too +well dressed, for the more gay he is the greater the compliment to his +bride. Flowers in the button-hole and a smile on the face show the +bridegroom to be really a 'happy man.' + +"As soon as the carriages are at the door, those bridesmaids, who happen +to be in the house, and the other members of the family set off first. +The bride goes last, with her father and mother, or with her mother +alone, and the brother or relative who is to represent her father in +case of death or absence. The bridegroom, his friend, or bridegroom's +man, and the bridesmaids ought to be waiting in the church. The father +of the bride gives her his arm, and leads her to the altar. Here her +bridesmaids stand near her, as arranged by the clerk, and the bridegroom +takes his appointed place. + +"It is a good thing for the bridegroom's man to distribute the different +fees to the clergyman or clergymen, the clerk, and pew-opener, before +the arrival of the bride, as it prevents confusion afterwards. + +"The bride stands to the left of the bridegroom, and takes the glove off +her right hand, whilst he takes his glove off his right hand. The bride +gives her glove to the bridesmaid to hold, and sometimes to keep, as a +good omen. + +"The service then begins. During the recital, it is certainly a matter +of feeling how the parties concerned should behave; but if tears can be +restrained, and a quiet modesty in the lady displayed, and her emotions +subdued, it adds much to the gratification of others, and saves a few +pangs to the parents from whom she is to part. + +"It should be remembered that this is but the closing scene of a drama +of some duration--first the offer, then the consent and engagement. In +most cases the marriage has been preceded by acts which have stamped the +whole with certainty, although we do not adopt the contract system of +our forefathers, and although no event in this life can be certain. + +"I have omitted the mention of the bouquet, because it seems to me +always an awkward addition to the bride, and that it should be presented +afterwards on her return to the breakfast. Gardenias, if in season, +white azalia, or even camellias, with very little orange flowers, form +the bridal bouquet. The bridesmaids are dressed, on this occasion, so as +to complete the picture with effect. When there are six or eight, it is +usual for three of them to dress in one color, and three in another. At +some of the most fashionable weddings in London, the bridesmaids wear +veils--these are usually of net or tulle; white tarlatan dresses, over +muslin or beautifully-worked dresses, are much worn, with colors +introduced--pink or blue, and scarves of those colors; and white +bonnets, if bonnets are worn, trimmed with flowers to correspond. These +should be simple, but the flowers as natural as possible, and of the +finest quality. The bouquets of the bridesmaids should be of mixed +flowers. These they may have at church, but the present custom is for +the gentlemen of the house to present them on their return home, +previous to the wedding breakfast. + +"The register is then signed. The bride quits the church first with the +bridegroom, and gets into his carriage, and the father and mother, +bridesmaids, and bridegroom's man, follow in order in their own. + +"The breakfast is arranged on one or more tables, and is generally +provided by a confectioner when expense is not an object. + +"Presents are usual, first from the bridegroom to the bridesmaids. These +generally consist of jewelry, the device of which should be unique or +quaint, the article more elegant than massive. The female servants of +the family, more especially servants who have lived many years in their +place, also expect presents, such as gowns or shawls; or to a very +valued personal attendant or housekeeper, a watch. But on such points +discretion must suggest, and liberality measure out the _largesse_ of +the gift." + +When the ceremony is performed at the house of the bride, the bridegroom +should be ready full half an hour before the time appointed, and enter +the parlor at the head of his army of bridesmaids and groomsmen, with +his fair bride on his arm. In America a groomsman is allowed for each +bridesmaid, whilst in England one poor man is all that is allowed for +six, sometimes eight bridesmaids. The brothers or very intimate friends +of the bride and groom are usually selected for groomsmen. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +ETIQUETTE FOR PLACES OF AMUSEMENT. + + +When you wish to invite a lady to accompany you to the theatre, opera, a +concert, or any other public place of amusement, send the invitation the +day previous to the one selected for taking her, and write it in the +third person. If it is the first time you have invited her, include her +mother, sister, or some other lady in the invitation. + +If she accepts your invitation, let it be your next care to secure good +seats, for it is but a poor compliment to invite a lady to go to the +opera, and put her in an uncomfortable seat, where she can neither hear, +see, nor be seen. + +Although, when alone, you will act a courteous part in giving your seat +to a strange lady, who is standing, in a crowded concert room, you +should not do so when you are with a lady. By giving up your place +beside her, you may place a lady next her, whom she will find an +unpleasant companion, and you are yourself separated from her, when the +conversation between the acts makes one of the greatest pleasures of an +evening spent in this way. In case of accident, too, he deprives her of +his protection, and gives her the appearance of having come alone. Your +first duty, when you are escorting a lady, is to that lady before all +others. + +When you are with a lady at a place of amusement, you must not leave +your seat until you rise to escort her home. If at the opera, you may +invite her to promenade between the acts, but if she declines, do you +too remain in your seat. + +Let all your conversation be in a low tone, not whispered, nor with any +air of mystery, but in a tone that will not disturb those seated near +you. + +Any lover-like airs or attitudes, although you may have the right to +assume them, are in excessively bad taste in public. + +If the evening you have appointed be a stormy one, you must call for +your companion with a carriage, and this is the more elegant way of +taking her even if the weather does not make it absolutely necessary. + +When you are entering a concert room, or the box of a theatre, walk +before your companion up the aisle, until you reach the seats you have +secured, then turn, offer your hand to her, and place her in the inner +seat, taking the outside one yourself; in going out, if the aisle is too +narrow to walk two abreast, you again precede your companion until you +reach the lobby, where you turn and offer your arm to her. + +Loud talking, laughter, or mistimed applause, are all in very bad taste, +for if you do not wish to pay strict attention to the performance, those +around you probably do, and you pay but a poor compliment to your +companion in thus implying her want of interest in what she came to +see. + +Secure your programme, libretto, or concert bill, before taking your +seat, as, if you leave it, in order to obtain them, you may find some +one else occupying your place when you return, and when the seats are +not secured, he may refuse to rise, thus giving you the alternative of +an altercation, or leaving your companion without any protector. Or, you +may find a lady in your seat, in which case, you have no alternative, +but must accept the penalty of your carelessness, by standing all the +evening. + +In a crowd, do not push forward, unheeding whom you hurt or +inconvenience, but try to protect your companion, as far as possible, +and be content to take your turn. + +If your seats are secured, call for your companion in time to be seated +some three or four minutes before the performance commences, but if you +are visiting a hall where you cannot engage seats, it is best to go +early. + +If you are alone and see ladies present with whom you are acquainted, +you may, with perfect propriety, go and chat with them between the acts, +but when with a lady, never leave her to speak to another lady. + +At an exhibition of pictures or statuary, you may converse, but let it +be in a quiet, gentlemanly tone, and without gesture or loud laughter. +If you stand long before one picture or statue, see that you are not +interfering with others who may wish to see the same work of art. If you +are engaged in conversation, and wish to rest, do not take a position +that will prevent others from seeing any of the paintings, but sit +down, or stand near the centre of the room. + +Never, unless urgently solicited, attach yourself to any party at a +place of amusement, even if some of the members of it are your own +relatives or intimate friends. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +MISCELLANEOUS. + + +When you are walking with a lady who has your arm, be careful to _keep +step_ with her, and do not force her to take long, unladylike steps, or +trot beside you with two steps to one of yours, by keeping your usual +manly stride. + +Never allow a lady, with whom you are walking, to carry a bundle, shawl, +or bag, unless both your hands are already occupied in her service. + +When you attend a wedding or bridal reception, it is the bridegroom whom +you are to _congratulate_, offering to the bride your wishes for her +future happiness, but not _congratulation_. If you are acquainted with +the bridegroom, but not with the bride, speak to him first, and he will +introduce you to his bride, but in any other case, you must speak first +to the bride, then to the bridegroom, then the bridesmaids, if you have +any previous acquaintance with them, then to the parents and family of +the bride, and after all this you are at liberty to seek your other +friends among the guests. If you are personally a stranger to the newly +married couple, but have received a card from being a friend of one of +the families or from any other reason, it is the first groomsman's +place to introduce you, and you should give him your card, or mention +your name, before he leads you to the bride. + +Always remove a chair or stool that stands in the way of a lady passing, +even though she is an entire stranger to you. + +You may hand a chair to a strange lady, in a hotel, or upon a boat; you +may hand her water, if you see her rise to obtain it, and at a hotel +table you may pass her the dishes near you, with perfect propriety. + +In this country where every other man uses tobacco, it may not be amiss +to say a few words on smoking. + +Dr. Prout says, "Tobacco is confessedly one of the most virulent poisons +in nature. Yet such is the fascinating influence of this noxious weed, +that mankind resort to it in every form they can devise, to ensure its +stupifying and pernicious agency. Tobacco disorders the assimilating +functions in general, but particularly, as I believe, the assimilation +of the saccharine principle. I have never, indeed, been able to trace +the development of oxalic acid to the use of tobacco; but that some +analogous, and equally poisonous principle (probably of an acid nature), +is generated in certain individuals by its abuse, is evident from their +cachectic looks, and from the dark, and often greenish yellow tint of +the blood. The severe and peculiar dyspeptic symptoms sometimes produced +by inveterate snuff-taking are well known; and I have more than once +seen such cases terminate fatally with malignant disease of the stomach +and liver. Great smokers, also, especially those who employ short pipes +and cigars, are said to be liable to cancerous affections of the lips." + +Yet, in spite of such warnings met with every day, Young America, +Middle-aged America, and Old America will continue to use the poison, +and many even use it in excess. An English writer gives some very good +rules for the times and places where smoking may be allowed, which I +quote for the use of smokers on this side of the water. + +He says: + +"But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which Raleigh taught our +gallants to puff in capacious bowls; which a royal pedant denounced in a +famous 'Counterblast;' which his flattering laureate, Ben Jonson, +ridiculed to please his master; which our wives and sisters protest +gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man can indulge +in; of which some fair favorers declare that they love the smell, and +others that they will never marry an indulger (which, by the way, they +generally end in doing); which has won a fame over more space and among +better men than Noah's grape has ever done; which doctors still dispute +about, and boys still get sick over; but which is the solace of the +weary laborer; the support of the ill-fed; the refresher of over-wrought +brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the exquisite; the +excuse of the idle; the companion of the philosopher; and the tenth muse +of the poet. I will go neither into the medical nor the moral question +about the dreamy, calming cloud. I will content myself so far with +saying what may be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind, +that, in moderation, it is at least harmless; but what is moderate and +what is not, must be determined in each individual case, according to +the habits and constitution of the subject. If it cures asthma, it may +destroy digestion; if it soothes the nerves, it may, in excess, produce +a chronic irritability. + +"But I will regard it in a social point of view; and, first, as a +narcotic, notice its effects on the individual character. I believe, +then, that in moderation it diminishes the violence of the passions, +and, particularly, that of the temper. Interested in the subject, I have +taken care to seek instances of members of the same family having the +same violent tempers by inheritance, of whom the one has been calmed +down by smoking, and the other gone on in his passionate course. I +believe that it induces a habit of calm reflectiveness, which causes us +to take less prejudiced, perhaps less zealous views of life, and to be, +therefore, less irritable in our converse with our fellow creatures. I +am inclined to think that the clergy, the squirearchy, and the peasantry +are the most prejudiced and most violent classes in this country; there +may be other reasons for this, but it is noteworthy that these are the +classes which smoke least. On the other hand, I confess that it induces +a certain lassitude, and a lounging, easy mode of life, which are fatal +both to the precision of manners and the vivacity of conversation. The +mind of a smoker is contemplative rather than active; and if the weed +cures our irritability, it kills our wit. I believe that it is a fallacy +to suppose that it encourages drinking. There is more drinking and less +smoking in England than in any other country of the civilized world. +There was more drinking among the gentry of last century, who never +smoked at all. Smoke and wine do not go well together. Coffee or beer +are its best accompaniments, and the one cannot intoxicate, the other +must be largely imbibed to do so. I have observed among young bachelors +that very little wine is drunk in their chambers, and that beer is +gradually taking its place. The cigar, too, is an excuse for rising from +the dinner-table where there are no ladies to go to. + +"In another point of view, I am inclined to think that smoking has +conduced to make the society of men, when alone, less riotous, less +quarrelsome, and even less vicious than it was. Where young men now blow +a common cloud, they were formerly driven to a fearful consumption of +wine, and this in their heads, they were ready and roused to any +iniquity. But the pipe is the bachelor's wife. With it he can endure +solitude longer, and is not forced into low society in order to shun it. +With it, too, the idle can pass many an hour, which otherwise he would +have given, not to work, but to extravagant devilries. With it he is no +longer restless and impatient for excitement of any kind. We never hear +now of young blades issuing in bands from their wine to beat the watch +or disturb the slumbering citizens, as we did thirty or forty years ago, +when smoking was still a rarity; they are all puffing harmlessly in +their chambers now. But, on the other hand, I foresee with dread a too +tender allegiance to the pipe, to the destruction of good society, and +the abandonment of the ladies. No wonder they hate it, dear creatures; +the pipe is the worst rival a woman can have, and it is one whose eyes +she cannot scratch out; who improves with age, while she herself +declines; who has an art which no woman possesses, that of never +wearying her devotee; who is silent, yet a companion; costs little, yet +gives much pleasure; who, lastly, never upbraids, and always yields the +same joy. Ah! this is a powerful rival to wife or maid, and no wonder +that at last the woman succumbs, consents, and, rather than lose her +lord or master, even supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands. + +"There are rules to limit this indulgence. One must never smoke, nor +even ask to smoke, in the company of the fair. If they know that in a +few minutes you will be running off to your cigar, the fair will do +well--say it is in a garden, or so--to allow you to bring it out and +smoke it there. One must never smoke, again, in the streets; that is, in +daylight. The deadly crime may be committed, like burglary, after dark, +but not before. One must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by the +ladies; thus, a well-bred man who has a wife or sisters, will not offer +to smoke in the dining-room after dinner. One must never smoke in a +public place, where ladies are or might be, for instance, a flower-show +or promenade. One may smoke in a railway-carriage in spite of by-laws, +if one has first obtained the consent of every one present; but if there +be a lady there, though she give her consent, smoke not. In nine cases +out of ten, she will give it from good nature. One must never smoke in a +close carriage; one may ask and obtain leave to smoke when returning +from a pic-nic or expedition in an open carriage. One must never smoke +in a theatre, on a race-course, nor in church. This last is not, +perhaps, a needless caution. In the Belgian churches you see a placard +announcing, 'Ici on ne mache pas du tabac.' One must never smoke when +anybody shows an objection to it. One must never smoke a pipe in the +streets; one must never smoke at all in the coffee-room of a hotel. One +must never smoke, without consent, in the presence of a clergyman, and +one must never offer a cigar to any ecclesiastic. + +"But if you smoke, or if you are in the company of smokers, and are to +wear your clothes in the presence of ladies afterwards, you must change +them to smoke in. A host who asks you to smoke, will generally offer you +an old coat for the purpose. You must also, after smoking, rinse the +mouth well out, and, if possible, brush the teeth. You should never +smoke in another person's house without leave, and you should not ask +leave to do so if there are ladies in the house. When you are going to +smoke a cigar you should offer one at the same time to anybody present, +if not a clergyman or a very old man. You should always smoke a cigar +given to you, whether good or bad, and never make any remarks on its +quality. + +"Smoking reminds me of spitting, but as this is at all times a +disgusting habit, I need say nothing more than--never indulge in it. +Besides being coarse and atrocious, it is very bad for the health." + +Chesterfield warns his son against faults in good breeding in the +following words, and these warnings will be equally applicable to the +student of etiquette in the present day. He says:-- + +"Of the lesser talents, good breeding is the principal and most +necessary one, not only as it is very important in itself, but as it +adds great lustre to the more solid advantages both of the heart and the +mind. I have often touched upon good breeding to you before; so that +this letter shall be upon the next necessary qualification to it, which +is a genteel and easy manner and carriage, wholly free from those odd +tricks, ill-habits, and awkwardnesses, which even many very worthy and +sensible people have in their behaviour. However trifling a genteel +manner may sound, it is of very great consequence towards pleasing in +private life, especially the women, which one time or other, you will +think worth pleasing; and I have known many a man from his awkwardness, +give people such a dislike of him at first, that all his merit could not +get the better of it afterwards. Whereas a genteel manner prepossesses +people in your favor, bends them towards you, and makes them wish to be +like you. Awkwardness can proceed but from two causes; either from not +having kept good company, or from not having attended to it. In good +company do you take care to observe their ways and manners, and to form +your own upon them. Attention is absolutely necessary for this, as, +indeed, it is for everything else; and a man without attention is not +fit to live in the world. When an awkward fellow first comes into a +room, it is highly probable that he goes and places himself in the very +place of the whole room where he should not; there he soon lets his hat +fall down, and, in taking it up again, throws down his cane; in +recovering his cane, his hat falls a second time, so that he is quarter +of an hour before he is in order again. If he drinks tea or coffee, he +certainly scalds his mouth, and lets either the cup or saucer fall, and +spills either the tea or coffee. At dinner his awkwardness distinguishes +itself particularly, as he has more to do; there he holds his knife, +fork, and spoon differently from other people, eats with his knife, to +the great danger of his mouth, picks his teeth with his fork, and puts +his spoon, which has been in his throat twenty times, into the dishes +again. If he is to carve, he can never hit the joint: but, in his vain +efforts to cut through the bone, scatters the sauce in everybody's face. +He generally daubs himself with soup and grease, though his napkin is +commonly stuck through a button-hole, and tickles his chin. When he +drinks, he infallibly coughs in his glass, and besprinkles the company. +Besides all this, he has strange tricks and gestures; such as snuffing +up his nose, making faces, putting his finger in his nose, or blowing it +and looking afterwards in his handkerchief so as to make the company +sick. His hands are troublesome to him, when he has not something in +them, and he does not know where to put them; but they are in perpetual +motion between his bosom and his breeches; he does not wear his clothes, +and, in short, he does nothing like other people. All this, I own, is +not in any degree criminal; but it is highly disagreeable and ridiculous +in company, and ought most carefully to be avoided, by whoever desires +to please. + +"From this account of what you should not do, you may easily judge what +you should do; and a due attention to the manners of people of fashion, +and who have seen the world, will make it habitual and familiar to you. + +"There is, likewise, an awkwardness of expression and words, most +carefully to be avoided; such as false English, bad pronunciation, old +sayings, and common proverbs; which are so many proofs of having kept +bad and low company. For example, if, instead of saying that tastes are +different, and that every man has his own peculiar one, you should let +off a proverb, and say, That what is one man's meat is another man's +poison; or else, Every one as they like, as the good man said when he +kissed his cow; everybody would be persuaded that you had never kept +company with anybody above footmen and housemaids. + +"Attention will do all this, and without attention nothing is to be +done; want of attention, which is really want of thought, is either +folly or madness. You should not only have attention to everything, but +a quickness of attention, so as to observe, at once, all the people in +the room, their motions, their looks, and their words, and yet without +staring at them, and seeming to be an observer. This quick and +unobserved observation is of infinite advantage in life, and is to be +acquired with care; and, on the contrary, what is called absence, which +is thoughtlessness, and want of attention about what is doing, makes a +man so like either a fool or a madman, that, for my part, I see no real +difference. A fool never has thought; a madman has lost it; and an +absent man is, for the time, without it. + +"I would warn you against those disagreeable tricks and awkwardnesses, +which many people contract when they are young, by the negligence of +their parents, and cannot get quit of them when they are old; such as +odd motions, strange postures, and ungenteel carriage. But there is +likewise an awkwardness of the mind, that ought to be, and with care may +be, avoided; as, for instance, to mistake names; to speak of Mr. +What-d'ye-call-him, or Mrs. Thingum, or How-d'ye-call-her, is +excessively awkward and ordinary. To call people by improper titles and +appellations is so too. To begin a story or narration when you are not +perfect in it, and cannot go through with it, but are forced, possibly, +to say, in the middle of it, 'I have forgotten the rest,' is very +unpleasant and bungling. One must be extremely exact, clear, and +perspicuous, in everything one says, otherwise, instead of entertaining, +or informing others, one only tires and puzzles them. The voice and +manner of speaking, too, are not to be neglected; some people almost +shut their mouths when they speak, and mutter so, that they are not to +be understood; others speak so fast, and sputter, that they are not to +be understood neither; some always speak as loud as if they were talking +to deaf people; and others so low that one cannot hear them. All these +habits are awkward and disagreeable, and are to be avoided by attention; +they are the distinguishing marks of the ordinary people, who have had +no care taken of their education. You cannot imagine how necessary it is +to mind all these little things; for I have seen many people with great +talents ill-received, for want of having these talents, too; and others +well received, only from their little talents, and who have had no great +ones." + +Nothing is in worse taste in society than to repeat the witticisms or +remarks of another person as if they were your own. If you are +discovered in the larceny of another's ideas, you may originate a +thousand brilliant ones afterwards, but you will not gain the credit of +one. If you quote your friend's remarks, give them as quotations. + +Be cautious in the use of your tongue. Wise men say, that a man may +repent when he has spoken, but he will not repent if he keeps silence. + +If you wish to retain a good position in society, be careful to return +all the visits which are paid to you, promptly, and do not neglect your +calls upon ladies, invalids, and men older than yourself. + +Visiting cards should be small, perfectly plain, with your name, and, if +you will, your address _engraved_ upon it. A handsomely written card is +the most elegant one for a gentleman, after that comes the engraved one; +a printed one is very seldom used, and is not at all elegant. Have no +fanciful devices, ornamented edges, or flourishes upon your visiting +cards, and never put your profession or business upon any but business +cards, unless it is as a prefix or title: as, Dr., Capt., Col., or Gen., +in case you are in the army or navy, put U.S.N., or U.S.A. after your +name, but if you are only in the militia, avoid the vulgarity of using +your title, excepting when you are with your company or on a parade. +Tinted cards may be used, but plain white ones are much more elegant. If +you leave a card at a hotel or boarding house, write the name of the +person for whom it is intended above your own, on the card. + +In directing a letter, put first the name of the person for whom it is +intended, then the name of the city, then that of the state in which he +resides. If you send it to the care of another person, or to a boarding +house, or hotel, you can put that name either after the name of your +correspondent, or in the left hand corner of the letter--thus:-- + + MR. J. S. JONES, + Care of Mr. T. C. Jones, + Boston, + Mass. + +or, + + MR. J. S. JONES, + Boston, + Mass. + Revere House. + +If your friend is in the army or navy, put his title before his station +after his name, thus:-- + + CAPT. L. LEWIS, U.S.A., + +or, + + LIEUTENANT T. ROBERTS, U.S.N. + +If you send your letter by a private hand, put the name of the bearer in +the lower left hand corner of the envelope, but put the name only. +"Politeness of,"--or "Kindness of," are obsolete, and not used now at +all. Write the direction thus:-- + + J. L. HOLMES, ESQ., + Revere House, + Boston, + Mass. + + C. L. Cutts, Esq. + +This will let your friend, Mr. Holmes, know that Mr. Cutts is in Boston, +which is the object to be gained by putting the name of the bearer on a +letter, sent by a private hand. + +GUARD AGAINST VULGAR LANGUAGE. There is as much connection between the +words and the thoughts as there is between the thoughts and the words; +the latter are not only the expression of the former, but they have a +power to re-act upon the soul and leave the stains of their corruption +there. A young man who allows himself to use one profane or vulgar word, +has not only shown that there is a foul spot on his mind, but by the +utterance of that word he extends that spot and inflames it, till, by +indulgence, it will soon pollute and ruin the whole soul. Be careful of +your words as well as your thoughts. If you can control the tongue, that +no improper words are pronounced by it, you will soon be able to control +the mind and save it from corruption. You extinguish the fire by +smothering it, or by preventing bad thoughts bursting out in language. +Never utter a word anywhere, which you would be ashamed to speak in the +presence of the most religious man. Try this practice a little, and you +will soon have command of yourself. + +Do not be known as an egotist. No man is more dreaded in society, or +accounted a greater "bore" than he whose every other word is "I," "me," +or "my." Show an interest in all that others say of themselves, but +speak but little of your own affairs. + +It is quite as bad to be a mere relater of scandal or the affairs of +your neighbors. A female gossip is detestable, but a male gossip is not +only detestable but utterly despicable. + +A celebrated English lawyer gives the following directions for young men +entering into business. He says:-- + +"SELECT THE KIND OF BUSINESS THAT SUITS YOUR NATURAL INCLINATIONS AND +TEMPERAMENT.--Some men are naturally mechanics; others have a strong +aversion to anything like machinery, and so on; one man has a natural +taste for one occupation in life, and another for another. + +"I never could succeed as a merchant. I have tried it, unsuccessfully, +several times. I never could be content with a fixed salary, for mine is +a purely speculative disposition, while others are just the reverse; and +therefore all should be careful to select those occupations that suit +them best. + +"LET YOUR PLEDGED WORD EVER BE SACRED.--Never promise to do a thing +without performing it with the most rigid promptness. Nothing is more +valuable to a man in business than the name of always doing as he +agrees, and that to the moment. A strict adherence to this rule gives a +man the command of half the spare funds within the range of his +acquaintance, and encircles him with a host of friends, who may be +depended upon in any emergency. + +"WHATEVER YOU DO, DO WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT.--Work at it, if necessary, +early and late, in season and out of season, not leaving a stone +unturned, and never deferring for a single hour that which can just as +well be done _now_. The old proverb is full of truth and +meaning--"Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well." Many a +man acquires a fortune by doing his business _thoroughly_, while his +neighbor remains poor for life, because he only _half_ does his +business. Ambition, energy, industry, and perseverance, are +indispensable requisites for success in business. + +"SOBRIETY. USE NO DESCRIPTION OF INTOXICATING DRINKS.--As no man can +succeed in business unless he has a _brain_ to enable him to lay his +plans, and _reason_ to guide him in their execution, so, no matter how +bountifully a man may be blessed with intelligence, if his brain is +muddled, and his judgment warped by intoxicating drinks, it is +impossible for him to carry on business successfully. How many good +opportunities have passed never to return, while a man was sipping a +'social glass' with a friend! How many a foolish bargain has been made +under the influence of the wine-cup, which temporarily makes his victim +so _rich_! How many important chances have been put off until to-morrow, +and thence for ever, because indulgence has thrown the system into a +state of lassitude, neutralizing the energies so essential to success in +business. The use of intoxicating drinks as a beverage is as much an +infatuation as is the smoking of opium by the Chinese, and the former is +quite as destructive to the success of the business man as the latter. + +"LET HOPE PREDOMINATE, BUT BE NOT TOO VISIONARY.--Many persons are +always kept poor because they are too _visionary_. Every project looks +to them like certain success, and, therefore, they keep changing from +one business to another, always in hot water, and always 'under the +harrow.' The plan of 'counting the chickens before they are hatched,' is +an error of ancient date, but it does not seem to improve by age. + +"DO NOT SCATTER YOUR POWERS.--Engage in one kind of business only, and +stick to it faithfully until you succeed, or until you conclude to +abandon it. A constant hammering on one nail will generally drive it +home at last, so that it can be clinched. When a man's undivided +attention is centered on one object, his mind will continually be +suggesting improvements of value, which would escape him if his brain +were occupied by a dozen different subjects at once. Many a fortune has +slipped through men's fingers by engaging in too many occupations at +once. + +"ENGAGE PROPER EMPLOYEES.--Never employ a man of bad habits when one +whose habits are good can be found to fill his situation. I have +generally been extremely fortunate in having faithful and competent +persons to fill the responsible situations in my business; and a man can +scarcely be too grateful for such a blessing. When you find a man unfit +to fill his station, either from incapacity or peculiarity of character +or disposition, dispense with his services, and do not drag out a +miserable existence in the vain attempt to change his nature. It is +utterly impossible to do so, 'You cannot make a silk purse,' &c. He has +been created for some other sphere; let him find and fill it." + +If you wish to succeed in society, and be known as a man who converses +well, you must cultivate your memory. Do not smile and tell me that this +is a gift, not an acquirement. It is true that some people have +naturally a more retentive memory than others, but those naturally most +deficient may strengthen their powers by cultivation. + +Cultivate, therefore, this glorious faculty, by storing and exercising +it with trains of imagery. Accustom yourselves to look at any natural +object, and then consider how many facts and thoughts may be associated +with it--how much of poetic imagery and refined combinations. Follow out +this idea, and you will find that imagination, which is too often in +youth permitted to build up castles in the air, tenantless as they are +unprofitable, will become, if duly exercised, a source of much +enjoyment. I was led into this train of thought while walking in a +beautiful country, and seeing before me a glorious rainbow, over-arching +the valley which lay in front. And not more quickly than its appearance, +came to my remembrance an admirable passage in the "Art of Poetic +Painting," wherein the author suggests the great mental advantage of +exercising the mind on all subjects, by considering-- + + "What use can be made of them? + What remarks they will illustrate? + What representations they will serve? + What comparison they will furnish?" + +And while thus thinking, I remembered that the ingenious author has +instanced the rainbow as affording a variety of illustrations, and +capable, in the imagery which it suggests, of numerous combinations. +Thus: + + +THE HUES OF THE RAINBOW + + Tinted the green and flowery banks of the stream; + Tinged the white blossoms of the apple orchards; + Shed a beauteous radiance on the grass; + Veiled the waning moon and the evening star; + Over-arched the mist of the waterfall; + Reminded the looker-on of peace opposed to turbulence. + And illustrated the moral that even the most beautiful things + of earth must pass away. + +Every book you read, every natural object which meets your view, may be +the exercise of memory, be made to furnish food both for reflection and +conversation, enjoyment for your own solitary hours, and the means of +making you popular in society. Believe me, the man who--"saw it, to be +sure, but really forgot what it looked like," who is met every day in +society, will not be sought after as will the man, who, bringing memory +and fancy happily blended to bear upon what he sees, can make every +object worthy of remark familiar and interesting to those who have not +seen it. + +If you have leisure moments, and what man has not? do not consider them +as spare atoms of time to be wasted, idled away in profitless lounging. +Always have a book within your reach, which you may catch up at your odd +minutes. Resolve to edge in a little reading every day, if it is but a +single sentence. If you can give fifteen minutes a day, it will be felt +at the end of the year. Thoughts take up no room. When they are right +they afford a portable pleasure, which one may travel or labor with +without any trouble or incumbrance. + +In your intercourse with other men, let every word that falls from your +lips, bear the stamp of perfect truth. No reputation can be more +enviable than that of being known as a man who no consideration could +force to soil his soul with a lie. + +"Truth is naturally so acceptable to man, so charming in herself, that +to make falsehood be received, we are compelled to dress it up in the +snow-white robes of Truth; as in passing base coin, it must have the +impress of the good ere it will pass current. Deception, hypocrisy, and +dissimulation, are, when practised, direct compliments to the power of +Truth; and the common custom of passing off Truth's counterfeit for +herself, is strong testimony in behalf of her intrinsic beauty and +excellence." + +Next to being a man of talent, a well-read man is the most agreeable in +society, and no investment of money or time is so profitable as that +spent in good, useful books, and reading. A good book is a lasting +companion. Truths, which it has taken years to glean, are therein at +once freely but carefully communicated. We enjoy communion with the +mind, though not with the person of the writer. Thus the humblest man +may surround himself by the wisest and best spirits of past and present +ages. No one can be solitary who possesses a book; he owns a friend that +will instruct him in moments of leisure or of necessity. It is only +necessary to turn open the leaves, and the fountain at once gives forth +its streams. You may seek costly furniture for your homes, fanciful +ornaments for your mantel-pieces, and rich carpets for your floors; but, +after the absolute necessaries for a home, give me books as at once the +cheapest, and certainly the most useful and abiding embellishments. + +A true gentleman will not only refrain from ridiculing the follies, +ignorance, or infirmities of others, but he will not even allow himself +to smile at them. He will treat the rudest clown with the same easy +courtesy which he would extend to the most polished gentleman, and will +never by word, look, or gesture show that he notices the faults, or +vulgarity of another. _Personal deformity_ is a cross sent by God, and +none but a depraved, wicked, and brutal man could ridicule, or even +greet with a passing smile the unfortunate thus stamped. Even a word or +look of pity will wound the sensitive, but frank, gentle courtesy, the +regard paid by a feeling man to the comfort of a cripple, or that easy +grace which, while it shows no sign of seeing the deformity, shows more +deference to the afflicted one than to the more fortunate, are all duly +appreciated and acknowledged, and win for the man who extends them the +respect and love of all with whom he comes in contact. + +Remember that true wit never descends to personalities. When you hear a +man trying to be "funny" at the expense of his friends, or even his +enemies, you may feel sure that his _humor_ is forced, and while it +sinks to ill-nature, cannot rise to the level of true _wit_. + +Never try to make yourself out to be a very important person. If you are +so really, your friends will soon find it out, if not, they will not +give you credit for being so, because you try to force your fancied +importance upon them. A pompous fool, though often seen, is not much +loved nor respected, and you may remember that the frog who tried to +make himself as big as an ox, died in the attempt. + +A severe wit once said, "If you do not wish to be the mark for +slanderous tongues, be the first to enter a room, and the last to leave +it." + +If you are ever tempted to speak against a woman, think first--"Suppose +she were my sister!" You can never gain anything by bringing your voice +against a woman, even though she may deserve contempt, and your +forbearance may shame others into a similar silence. It is a cowardly +tongue that will take a woman's name upon it to injure her; though many +men do this, who would fear,--_absolutely be afraid_, to speak against a +man, or that same woman, had she a manly arm to protect her. + +I again quote from the celebrated Lord Chesterfield, who says: + +"It is good-breeding alone that can prepossess people in your favour at +first sight, more time being necessary to discover greater talents. This +good-breeding, you know, does not consist in low bows and formal +ceremony; but in an easy, civil, and respectful behaviour. You will take +care, therefore, to answer with complaisance, when you are spoken to; to +place yourself at the lower end of the table, unless bid to go higher; +to drink first to the lady of the house, and next to the master; not to +eat awkwardly or dirtily; not to sit when others stand; and to do all +this with an air of complaisance, and not with a grave, sour look, as if +you did it all unwillingly. I do not mean a silly, insipid smile, that +fools have when they would be civil; but an air of sensible good-humor. +I hardly know anything so difficult to attain, or so necessary to +possess, as perfect good-breeding; which is equally inconsistent with a +still formality, and impertinent forwardness, and an awkward +bashfulness. A little ceremony is often necessary; a certain degree of +firmness is absolutely so; and an outward modesty is extremely becoming; +the knowledge of the world, and your own observations, must, and alone +can tell you the proper quantities of each. + +"I mentioned the general rules of common civility, which, whoever does +not observe, will pass for a bear, and be as unwelcome as one, in +company; there is hardly any body brutal enough not to answer when they +are spoken to. But it is not enough not to be rude; you should be +extremely civil, and distinguished for your good breeding. The first +principle of this good breeding is never to say anything that you think +can be disagreeable to any body in company; but, on the contrary, you +should endeavor to say what will be agreeable to them; and that in an +easy and natural manner, without seeming to study for compliments. There +is likewise such a thing as a civil look, and a rude look; and you +should look civil, as well as be so; for if, while you are saying a +civil thing, you look gruff and surly, as English bumpkins do, nobody +will be obliged to you for a civility that seemed to come so +unwillingly. If you have occasion to contradict any body, or to set them +right from a mistake, it would be very brutal to say, '_That is not so, +I know better_, or _You are out_; but you should say with a civil look, +_I beg your pardon, I believe you mistake_, or, _If I may take the +liberty of contradicting you, I believe it is so and so_; for, though +you may know a thing better than other people, yet it is very shocking +to tell them so directly, without something to soften it; but remember +particularly, that whatever you say or do, with ever so civil an +intention, a great deal consists in the manner and the look, which must +be genteel, easy, and natural, and is easier to be felt than described. + +"Civility is particularly due to all women; and remember, that no +provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every +woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute, if he were +not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is the only +protection they have against the superior strength of ours; nay, even a +little flattery is allowable with women; and a man may, without +meanness, tell a woman that she is either handsomer or wiser than she +is. Observe the French people, and mind how easily and naturally civil +their address is, and how agreeably they insinuate little civilities in +their conversation. They think it so essential, that they call an honest +man and a civil man by the same name, of _honnete homme_; and the Romans +called civility _humanitas_, as thinking it inseparable from humanity. +You cannot begin too early to take that turn, in order to make it +natural and habitual to you." + +Again, speaking of the inconveniency of bashfulness, he says:-- + +"As for the _mauvaise honte_, I hope you are above it. Your figure is +like other people's; I suppose you will care that your dress shall be so +too, and to avoid any singularity. What then should you be ashamed of? +and why not go into a mixed company, with as much ease and as little +concern, as you would go into your own room? Vice and ignorance are the +only things I know, which one ought to be ashamed of; keep but clear of +them, and you may go anywhere without fear or concern. I have known some +people, who, from feeling the pain and inconveniences of this _mauvaise +honte_, have rushed into the other extreme, and turned impudent, as +cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of danger; but this too +is carefully to be avoided, there being nothing more generally shocking +than impudence. The medium between these two extremes marks out the +well-bred man; he feels himself firm and easy in all companies; is +modest without being bashful, and steady without being impudent; if he +is a stranger, he observes, with care, the manners and ways of the +people most esteemed at that place, and conforms to them with +complaisance." + +Flattery is always in bad taste. If you say more in a person's praise +than is deserved, you not only say what is _false_, but you make others +doubt the wisdom of your judgment. Open, palpable flattery will be +regarded by those to whom it is addressed as an insult. In your +intercourse with ladies, you will find that the delicate compliment of +seeking their society, showing your pleasure in it, and choosing for +subjects of conversation, other themes than the weather, dress, or the +opera, will be more appreciated by women of sense, than the more awkward +compliment of open words or gestures of admiration. + +Never imitate the eccentricities of other men, even though those men +have the highest genius to excuse their oddities. Eccentricity is, at +the best, in bad taste; but an imitation of it--second hand oddity--is +detestable. + +Never feign abstraction in society. If you have matters of importance +which really occupy your mind, and prevent you from paying attention to +the proper etiquette of society, stay at home till your mind is less +preoccupied. Chesterfield says:-- + +"What is commonly called an absent man, is commonly either a very weak, +or a very affected man; but be he which he will, he is, I am sure, a +very disagreeable man in company. He fails in all the common offices of +civility; he seems not to know those people to-day, whom yesterday he +appeared to live in intimacy with. He takes no part in the general +conversation; but, on the contrary, breaks into it from time to time, +with some start of his own, as if he waked from a dream. This (as I said +before) is a sure indication, either of a mind so weak that it is not +able to bear above one object at a time; or so affected, that it would +be supposed to be wholly engrossed by, and directed to, some very great +and important objects. Sir Isaac Newton, Mr. Locke, and (it may be) five +or six more, since the creation of the world, may have had a right to +absence, from that intense thought which the things they were +investigating required. But if a young man, and a man of the world, who +has no such avocations to plead, will claim and exercise that right of +absence in company, his pretended right should, in my mind, be turned +into an involuntary absence, by his perpetual exclusion out of company. +However frivolous a company may be, still, while you are among them, do +not show them, by your inattention, that you think them so; but rather +take their tone, and conform, in some degree, to their weakness, instead +of manifesting your contempt for them. There is nothing that people +bear more impatiently, or forgive less, than contempt; and an injury is +much sooner forgotten than an insult. If, therefore, you would rather +please than offend, rather be well than ill-spoken of, rather be loved +than hated; remember to have that constant attention about you, which +flatters every man's little vanity; and the want of which, by mortifying +his pride, never fails to excite his resentment, or, at least, his ill +will. For instance: most people (I might say all people) have their +weaknesses; they have their aversions and their likings to such or such +things; so that, if you were to laugh at a man for his aversion to a +cat, or cheese, (which are common antipathies,) or, by inattention and +negligence, to let them come in his way, where you could prevent it, he +would, in the first case, think himself insulted, and, in the second, +slighted, and would remember both. Whereas your care to procure for him +what he likes, and to remove from him what he hates, shows him that he +is, at least, an object of your attention; flatters his vanity, and +makes him, possibly, more your friend than a more important service +would have done. With regard to women, attentions still below these are +necessary, and, by the custom of the world, in some measure due, +according to the laws of good breeding." + +In giving an entertainment to your friends, while you avoid extravagant +expenditure, it is your duty to place before them the best your purse +will permit you to purchase, and be sure you have plenty. Abundance +without superfluity, and good quality without extravagance, are your +best rules for an entertainment. + +If, by the introduction of a friend, by a mistake, or in any other way, +your enemy, or a man to whom you have the strongest personal dislike, is +under your roof, or at your table, as a guest, hospitality and good +breeding both require you to treat him with the same frank courtesy +which you extend to your other guests; though you need make no violent +protestations of friendship, and are not required to make any advances +towards him after he ceases to be your guest. + +In giving a dinner party, invite only as many guests as you can seat +comfortably at your table. If you have two tables, have them precisely +alike, or, rest assured, you will offend those friends whom you place at +what they judge to be the inferior table. Above all, avoid having little +tables placed in the corners of the room, when there is a large table. +At some houses in Paris it is a fashion to set the dining room entirely +with small tables, which will accommodate comfortably three or four +people, and such parties are very merry, very sociable and pleasant, if +four congenial people are around each table; but it is a very dull +fashion, if you are not sure of the congeniality of each quartette of +guests. + +If you lose your fortune or position in society, it is wiser to retire +from the world of fashion than to wait for that world to bow you out. + +If you are poor, but welcome in society on account of your family or +talents, avoid the error which the young are most apt to fall into, that +of living beyond your means. + +The advice of Polonius to Laertes is as excellent in the present day, as +it was in Shakespeare's time:-- + + "Give thy thoughts no tongue, + Nor any unproportioned thought his act. + Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. + The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, + Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel: + But do not dull thy palm with entertainments + Of each new hatch'd, unfledg'd comrade. Beware + Of entrance to a quarrel: but, being in, + Bear it that the opposer may beware of thee. + Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice; + Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment. + Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, + But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy; + For the apparel oft proclaims the man. + + * * * * * + + Neither a borrower nor a lender be: + For loan oft loses both itself and friend; + And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. + This above all,--To thine ownself be true; + And it must follow, as the night the day, + Thou canst not then be false to any man." + +It is by no means desirable to be always engaged in the serious pursuits +of life. Take time for pleasure, and you will find your work progresses +faster for some recreation. Lord Chesterfield says: + +"I do not regret the time that I passed in pleasures; they were +seasonable; they were the pleasures of youth, and I enjoyed them while +young. If I had not, I should probably have overvalued them now, as we +are very apt to do what we do not know; but knowing them as I do, I know +their real value, and how much they are generally overrated. Nor do I +regret the time that I have passed in business, for the same reason; +those who see only the outside of it, imagine it has hidden charms, +which they pant after; and nothing but acquaintance can undeceive them. +I, who have been behind the scenes, both of pleasure and business, and +have seen all the springs and pullies of those decorations which +astonish and dazzle the audience, retire, not only without regret, but +with contentment and satisfaction. But what I do, and ever shall regret, +is the time which, while young, I lost in mere idleness, and in doing +nothing. This is the common effect of the inconsideracy of youth, +against which I beg you will be most carefully upon your guard. The +value of moments, when cast up, is immense, if well employed; if thrown +away, their loss is irrecoverable. Every moment may be put to some use, +and that with much more pleasure than if unemployed. Do not imagine that +by the employment of time, I mean an uninterrupted application to +serious studies. No; pleasures are, at proper times, both as necessary +and as useful; they fashion and form you for the world; they teach you +characters, and show you the human heart in its unguarded minutes. But +then remember to make that use of them. I have known many people, from +laziness of mind, go through both pleasure and business with equal +inattention; neither enjoying the one nor doing the other; thinking +themselves men of pleasure, because they were mingled with those who +were, and men of business, because they had business to do, though they +did not do it. Whatever you do, do it to the purpose; do it thoroughly, +not superficially. _Approfondissez_: go to the bottom of things. +Anything half done or half known, is, in my mind, neither done nor +known at all. Nay worse, it often misleads. There is hardly any place or +any company where you may not gain knowledge, if you please; almost +every body knows some one thing, and is glad to talk upon that one +thing. Seek and you will find, in this world as well as in the next. See +everything; inquire into everything; and you may excuse your curiosity, +and the questions you ask, which otherwise might be thought impertinent, +by your manner of asking them; for most things depend a great deal upon +the manner. As, for example, I _am afraid that I am very troublesome +with my questions; but nobody can inform me so well as you_; or +something of that kind." + +The same author, speaking of the evils of pedantry, says:-- + +"Every excellency, and every virtue has its kindred vice or weakness; +and, if carried beyond certain bounds, sinks into one or the other. +Generosity often runs into profusion, economy into avarice, courage into +rashness, caution into timidity, and so on:--insomuch that, I believe, +there is more judgment required for the proper conduct of our virtues, +than for avoiding their opposite vices. Vice, in its true light, is so +deformed, that it shocks us at first sight, and would hardly ever seduce +us, if it did not at first wear the mask of some virtue. But virtue is, +in itself, so beautiful, that it charms us at first sight; engages us +more and more upon further acquaintance; and, as with other beauties, we +think excess impossible, it is here that judgment is necessary, to +moderate and direct the effects of an excellent cause. I shall apply +this reasoning, at present, not to any particular virtue, but to an +excellency, which, for want of judgment, is often the cause of +ridiculous and blameable effects; I mean great learning; which, if not +accompanied with sound judgment, frequently carries us into error, +pride, and pedantry. As, I hope, you will possess that excellency in its +utmost extent, and yet without its too common failings, the hints, which +my experience can suggest, may probably not be useless to you. + +"Some learned men, proud of their knowledge, only speak to decide, and +give judgment without appeal; the consequence of which is, that mankind, +provoked by the insult, and injured by the oppression, revolt; and, in +order to shake off the tyranny, even call the lawful authority in +question. The more you know, the modester you should be; and (by the +bye) that modesty is the surest way of gratifying your vanity. Even +where you are sure, seem rather doubtful; represent, but do not +pronounce; and, if you would convince others, seem open to conviction +yourself. + +"Others, to show their learning, or often from the prejudices of a +school education, where they hear of nothing else, are always talking of +the ancients, as something more than men, and of the moderns, as +something less. They are never without a classic or two in their +pockets; they stick to the old good sense; they read none of the modern +trash; and will show you plainly that no improvement has been made in +any one art or science these last seventeen hundred years. I would, by +no means, have you disown your acquaintance with the ancients; but still +less would I have you brag of an exclusive intimacy with them. Speak of +the moderns without contempt, and of the ancients without idolatry; +judge them all by their merits, but not by their ages; and if you happen +to have an Elzevir classic in your pocket, neither show it nor mention +it. + +"Some great scholars, most absurdly, draw all their maxims, both for +public and private life, from what they call parallel cases in the +ancient authors; without considering that, in the first place, there +never were, since the creation of the world, two cases exactly parallel; +and, in the next place, that there never was a case stated, or even +known, by any historian, with every one of its circumstances; which, +however, ought to be known in order to be reasoned from. Reason upon the +case itself, and the several circumstances that attend it, and act +accordingly; but not from the authority of ancient poets or historians. +Take into your consideration, if you please, cases seemingly analogous; +but take them as helps only, not as guides. + +"There is another species of learned men who, though less dogmatical and +supercilious, are not less impertinent. These are the communicative and +shining pedants, who adorn their conversation, even with women, by happy +quotations of Greek and Latin; and who have contracted such a +familiarity with the Greek and Roman authors, that they call them by +certain names or epithets denoting intimacy. As, _old_ Homer; that _sly +rogue_ Horace; _Maro_, instead of Virgil; and _Naso_, instead of Ovid. +These are often imitated by coxcombs who have no learning at all, but +who have got some names and some scraps of ancient authors by heart, +which they improperly and impertinently retail in all companies, in +hopes of passing for scholars. If, therefore, you would avoid the +accusation of pedantry on one hand, or the suspicion of ignorance on the +other, abstain from learned ostentation. Speak the language of the +company that you are in; speak it purely, and unlarded with any other. +Never seem wiser nor more learned than the people you are with. Wear +your learning, like your watch, in a private pocket; and do not pull it +out and strike it, merely to show that you have one. If you are asked +what o'clock it is, tell it, but do not proclaim it hourly and unasked, +like the watchman. + +"Upon the whole, remember that learning (I mean Greek and Roman +learning) is a most useful and necessary ornament, which it is shameful +not to be master of; but, at the same time, most carefully avoid those +errors and abuses which I have mentioned, and which too often attend it. +Remember, too, that great modern knowledge is still more necessary than +ancient; and that you had better know perfectly the present, than the +old state of the world; though I would have you well acquainted with +both." + +If you are poor, you must deprive yourself often of the pleasure of +escorting ladies to ride, the opera, or other entertainments, because it +is understood in society that, in these cases, a gentleman pays all the +expenses for both, and in any emergency you may find your bill for +carriage hire, suppers, bouquets, or other unforeseen demands, greater +than you anticipated. + +Shun the card table. Even the friendly games common in society, for +small stakes, are best avoided. They feed the love of gambling, and you +will find that this love, if once acquired, is the hardest curse to get +rid of. + +It is in bad taste, though often done, to turn over the cards on a +table, when you are calling. If your host or hostess finds you so doing, +it may lead them to suppose you value them more for their acquaintances +than themselves. + + + + +---------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Transcriber's Note: + + +Inconsistencies in accents (e.g. tete a tete vs. tete a tete) and +hyphenation (e.g. ball room vs. ball-room) have not been corrected. +Variant spellings have also been retained. + +Minor typographical errors (e.g. missing punctuation, incorrect or +duplicate letters) have been corrected without note. + +The following changes were also made to the text: + +p. 130: missing 'at' added (too lazy to part it at all) + +p. 255: two asterisks changed to ellipsis (before he begins any +other....) + +p. 266: italics added to 'I' and removed from 'or' ( _I have the honor +to acquaint you_; _Permit me to assure you_; or,) + +p. 292: italics removed from 'of' (_largesse_ of) + +p. 332: off to of (get rid of) + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and +Manual of Politeness, by Cecil B. 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