initial commit of ebook 39270HEADmain

3 files changed, 50442 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/old/39270-8.txt b/old/39270-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8ac1448
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/39270-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,22688 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy,
+Gentleman, by Laurence Sterne
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
+
+
+Title: The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman
+
+Author: Laurence Sterne
+
+Commentator: George Saintsbury
+
+Release Date: March 26, 2012 [EBook #39270]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TRISTRAM SHANDY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Louise Hope, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note:
+
+This text is intended for users whose text readers cannot use the "real"
+(Unicode/UTF-8) version of the file. The "oe" ligature has been unpacked
+into separate letters. Greek is shown in transliteration between +marks+.
+
+Text marked #like this# was printed in blackletter ("Gothic") type.
+Nested _lines_ represent emphatic Roman text within Italic body text.
+The notation [-->] represents a pointing finger, and [***] is the
+asterism (group of three asterisks).
+
+The editor's Introduction says:
+
+  No attempt has been made to correct any oddities of spelling
+  that are not clearly mere misprints.
+
+The same principle was used in the e-text. Unless otherwise noted,
+spelling, punctuation and capitalization are as in the original.
+Typographical errors are listed at the end of the text. Footnotes
+are numbered by Book, and are shown at the end of each chapter. All
+footnotes to the word "volume" have the same text.
+
+Except for footnotes and similar obvious additions, all brackets are in
+the original.]
+
+
+
+
+  Everyman's Library
+  Edited By Ernest Rhys
+
+
+  FICTION
+
+
+  TRISTRAM SHANDY
+
+  With An Introduction By
+
+  GEORGE SAINTSBURY
+
+
+
+
+  This is No. 617 of _EVERYMAN'S LIBRARY_. The Publishers will be
+  pleased to send freely to all applicants a list of the published
+  and projected volumes, arranged under the following sections:
+
+   Travel * Science * Fiction
+     Theology & Philosophy
+      History * Classical
+        For Young People
+        Essays * Oratory
+         Poetry & Drama
+           Biography
+           Reference
+            Romance
+
+          [Decoration]
+
+  In four styles of binding: Cloth, Flat Back, Coloured Top;
+  Leather, Round Corners, Gilt Top; Library Binding in Cloth,
+  & Quarter Pigskin
+
+    London: J. M. DENT & SONS, Ltd.
+    New York: E. P. DUTTON & CO.
+
+
+
+
+  [Decorative Text:
+
+    A TALE
+    WHICH
+    HOLDETH
+    CHILDREN
+    FROM PLAY
+    & OLD MEN
+    FROM THE
+    CHIMNEY
+    CORNER
+
+    Sir Philip Sidney]
+
+
+
+
+  [Decorative Text:
+
+    THE LIFE &
+    OPINIONS of
+    TRISTRAM
+    SHANDY *
+    GENTLEMAN
+    By LAURENCE
+    * STERNE
+
+    London & Toronto
+    JˇMˇDent & Sons
+    Ltd. * New York
+    EˇPˇDutton & Co]
+
+
+
+
+  First Issue of this Edition  1912
+  Reprinted                    1915, 1917
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+It can hardly be said that Sterne was an unfortunate person during his
+lifetime, though he seems to have thought himself so. His childhood was
+indeed a little necessitous, and he died early, and in debt, after some
+years of very bad health. But from the time when he went to Cambridge,
+things went on the whole very fairly well with him in respect of
+fortune; his ill-health does not seem to have caused him much disquiet;
+his last ten years gave him fame, flirting, wandering, and other
+pleasures and diversions to his heart's content; and his debts only
+troubled those he left behind him. He delighted in his daughter; he was
+able to get rid of his wife, when he was more than usually _fatigatus et
+aegrotus_ of her, with singular ease. During the unknown, or almost
+unknown, middle of his life he had friends of the kind most congenial to
+him; and both in his time of preparation and his time of production in
+literature, he was able to indulge his genius in a way by no means
+common with men of letters. If his wish to die in a certain manner and
+circumstance was only bravado--and borrowed bravado--still it was
+granted; and it is quite certain that to him an old age of real illness
+would have been unmitigated torture. Even if we admit the ghastly
+stories of the fate of his remains, there was very little reason why any
+one should not have anticipated Mr. Swinburne's words on the morrow of
+Sterne's death and said, "Oh! brother, the gods were good to you,"
+though even then he might have said it with a sort of mental reservation
+on the question whether Sterne had been very good to the gods.
+
+Nemesis, for the purpose of adjusting things, played him the
+exceptionally savage trick of using the intervention of his idolised
+daughter. Little or nothing seems to be known of "Lydia Sterne de
+Medalle," as she was pleased to sign herself; "Mrs. Medalle," as her
+bluff British contemporaries call her. But that she must have been
+either a very silly, a very stupid, or an excessively callous person,
+appears certain. It would seem, indeed, to require a combination of the
+flightiness and lack of taste which her father too often displayed, with
+the stolidity which (from rather unfair inference through Mrs. Shandy)
+is sometimes supposed to have characterised her mother, to prompt or
+permit a daughter to publish such a collection of letters as those which
+were first given to the world in 1775. Charity, not unsupported by
+probability, has trusted that Madame de Medalle could not read Latin,
+but she certainly could read English; and only an utterly corrupted
+heart, or an incurably dense or feather-brained head, could hide from
+her the fact that not a few of the English letters she published were
+damaging to her father's character. Her alleged excuse--that her mother,
+who was then dead, had desired her, if any letters should be published
+under her father's name, to publish these, and that the "Yorick and
+Eliza" correspondence had appeared--is utterly insufficient. For Mrs.
+Sterne, of whose conduct we know nothing unfavourable, and one or two
+things decidedly to her credit, could only have meant "such of these as
+will put your father in a favourable light," else she would have
+published them herself. Yet though Lydia could, while taking no
+editorial trouble whatever, go out of her way to make a silly missish
+apology for publishing a passage in which her charms and merits are
+celebrated, she seems never to have given a thought to what she was
+doing in other ways. Nor were Sterne's misfortunes in this way over with
+the publication of these things; for the subsequently discovered
+Fourmentelle correspondence sunk him, with precise judges, a little
+deeper. No doubt _Tristram Shandy_, the _Sentimental Journey_, and the
+curious stories or traditions about their author, were not exactly
+calculated to give Sterne a very high reputation with grave authorities.
+But it is these unlucky letters which put him almost hopelessly out of
+court. Even the slight relenting of fortune which gave him at last, in
+Mr. Percy Fitzgerald, a biographer very good-natured, very
+indefatigable, and with a natural genius for detecting undiscovered
+facts and documents, only made matters worse in some ways. And the
+consequence is, that it has become a commonplace and almost a necessity
+to make up for praising Sterne's genius by damning his character.
+Johnson, while declining to deny him ability, seems to have been too
+much disgusted to talk freely about him; Scott's natural kindliness,
+warm admiration for my Uncle Toby, and total freedom from squeamish
+prudery, seem yet to have left him ill at ease and tongue-tied in
+discussing Sterne; Thackeray, as is well known, exceeded all measure in
+denouncing him; and his chief recent critical biographer, Mr. Traill,
+who is probably as free from cant, Britannic or other, as any man who
+ever wrote in English, speaks his mind in the most unsparing fashion.
+
+For my own part, I do not hesitate to say that I do not think letters of
+this kind ought to be published at all; and though it may seem
+paradoxical or foolish, I am by no means sure that, if they are
+published, they ought to be admitted as evidence. That which is not
+written for the public, is no business of the public's; and I never read
+letters of this kind, published for the first time, without feeling like
+an eavesdropper.[I.1] Unluckily, the evidence furnished by the letters
+fits in only too well with that furnished by the published works, by his
+favourite cronies and companions, and by his general reputation, so that
+"what the prisoner says" must, no doubt, "be used against him."
+
+    [Footnote I.1: It is perhaps barely necessary to observe that
+    the parallel does not extend to a further parallel between
+    republication and tale-bearing. Once published, the thing is
+    public.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It may be doubted whether it was accident or his usual deliberate
+fantasticality that made Sterne, in the well-known summary of his life
+which (very late in it) he drew up for his daughter, devote almost the
+whole space to his childhood. Perhaps it may be accounted for,
+reasonably enough, by supposing that of his later years he thought his
+daughter knew quite as much as he wished her to know, while of the
+middle period he had little or nothing to tell. In fact, of the two
+earlier divisions we still know very little but what he has chosen to
+tell us in one of the most characteristic and not the least charming
+excursions of his pen. Laurence Sterne was, with two sisters, the only
+"permanent child" (to borrow a pleasant phrase of Mr. Traill's) out of a
+very plentiful but most impermanent family, borne in the most
+inconvenient circumstances possible by Agnes Nuttle or Herbert or
+Sterne, a widow, and daughter or stepdaughter of a sutler of our army in
+Flanders, to Roger, second son of Simon Sterne of Elvington, in
+Yorkshire, who was the third son of Dr. Richard Sterne, Archbishop of
+York. The Sternes were of a gentle if not very distinguished family,
+which, after being seated in Suffolk, migrated to Nottinghamshire. After
+the promotion of the archbishop (who had been a stout cavalier, as
+Master of Jesus at Cambridge, in the bad times), they obtained, as was
+fitting, divers establishments by marriage or benefice in Yorkshire
+itself. Very little endowment of any kind, however, fell to the lot of
+Roger Sterne, who was an ensign in what ranked later as the 34th
+regiment. Laurence, his eldest son, was born at Clonmel, in Ireland,
+where his mother's relations lived, and just after his father's regiment
+had been disbanded. It was shortly re-established, however, and became
+the most "marching" of all marching corps; for though its headquarters
+were generally in Ireland, it was constantly being ordered elsewhere,
+and Roger Sterne saw active service both at Vigo and Gibraltar. In this
+latter station he fought a duel of an extremely Shandean character
+"about a goose." He was run through the body and pinned to the wall;
+whereupon, it is said, he requested his antagonist to be so kind as to
+wipe the plaster off the sword before pulling it out of his body. In
+despite of this thoughtfulness, however, and of an immediate recovery,
+the wound so weakened him that, being ordered to Jamaica, he took fever
+and died there in March 1731. As Lawrence had been born on November 24,
+1713, he was nearly eighteen; and the family had meanwhile been
+increased by four other children who all died, and a youngest daughter,
+Catherine, who, like the eldest, Mary, lived. Till he was about nine or
+ten the boy followed the exceedingly fluctuating fortunes of his family,
+which he diversified further on by falling through, not a millrace, but
+a going mill. Then he was sent to school at Halifax, in Yorkshire, and
+soon after practically adopted by his cousin Sterne of Elvington, who,
+when the time came, sent him to Jesus College at Cambridge, the family
+connection with which had begun with his great-grandfather. He was
+admitted there on July 6, 1733, being then nearly twenty, and took his
+degree of B.A. in 1736, and that of M.A. in 1740. The only tradition of
+his school career is his own story that, having written his name on the
+school ceiling, he was whipped by the usher, but complimented as a "boy
+of genius" by the master, who said the name should never be effaced.
+This anecdote, as might be expected, has not escaped the _aqua fortis_
+of criticism.
+
+We know practically nothing of Sterne's Cambridge career except the
+dates above mentioned, the fact of his being elected first to a
+sizarship and then as founder's kin to a scholarship endowed by
+Archbishop Sterne, and the incident told by himself that he there
+contracted his lifelong friendship with a distant relative and fellow
+Jesus man, John Hall, or John Hall Stevenson, of whom more presently.
+But Sterne had further reason to acknowledge that his family stood
+together. He had no sooner taken his degree, than he was taken up by a
+brother of his father's, Jaques Sterne, a great pluralist in the diocese
+of York, a very busy and masterful person, and a strong Whig and
+Hanoverian. Under his care, Sterne took deacon's orders in March 1736 at
+the hands of the Bishop of Lincoln; and as soon as, two years later, he
+had been ordained priest, he was appointed to the living of
+Sutton-on-the-Forest, eight miles from York. The uncle and nephew some
+years later quarrelled bitterly--according to the latter's account,
+because he would not write "dirty paragraphs in the newspapers," being
+"no party man." That Sterne would have been particularly squeamish about
+what he wrote may be doubted; but it is certain that he shows no
+partisan spirit anywhere, and very little interest in politics as such.
+However, for some years his uncle was certainly his active patron, and
+obtained for him two prebends and some other special preferments in
+connection with the diocese and chapter of York, so that he became, as
+_Tristram_ shows, intimately acquainted with cathedral society there.
+
+It has been a steady rule in the Anglican Church (if not, as in the
+Greek, a _sine quâ non_) that when a man has been provided with a
+living, he should, if he has not done so before, provide himself with a
+wife; and Sterne was a very unlikely man to break good custom in this
+respect. Very soon at least after his ordination he fell in love with
+Elizabeth Lumley, a young lady of a good Yorkshire family, and of some
+little fortune, which, however, for a time she thought "not enough" to
+share with him, but which, as she told him during a fit of illness, she
+left to him in her will. On the strength of two quite unauthenticated
+and, I believe, not now traceable portraits seen by this or that person
+in printshops or elsewhere, she is said to have been plain. Certain
+expressions in Sterne's letters seem to imply that she had a rather
+exasperatingly steady and not too intelligent will of her own; and some
+twenty or five and twenty years after the marriage, M. Tollot,
+a gossiping Frenchman, with French ideas on the duty of husbands and
+wives going separate ways, said that she wished to have a finger in
+every pie, and pestered "the good and agreeable Tristram" with her
+presence. But Sterne, despite his reckless confessions of conjugal
+indifference, and worse, says nothing serious or even ill-natured of
+her; and one or two traits and sayings of hers, especially her refusal
+to listen to a meddlesome person who wished to tell her tales about
+"Eliza," seem to argue sense and dignity. That in the latter years she
+cared little to be with a husband who had long been "tired and sick" of
+her is not to her discredit. Their daughter, with the almost invariable
+ill-luck or ill-judgment which seems to have attended her, printed
+certain letters of this courtship time, though she gave nothing for many
+years afterwards. The use made of these Strephon or Damon blandishments,
+in contrast with the expressions used by the writer of his wife, and of
+other women, long afterwards, is perhaps a little unfair; but it must be
+admitted that though far too characteristic and amusing to be omitted,
+they are anything but brilliant specimens of their kind. In particular,
+Thackeray's bitter fun on the ineffably lackadaisical passage, "My L.
+has seen a polyanthus blow in December," is pretty fully justified.
+
+If, however, the marriage, which, difficulties being removed, took place
+on Easter Monday, March 30, 1741, did not bring lasting happiness to
+Sterne, it probably brought him some at the time, and it certainly
+brought him an accession of fortune; for in addition to what little
+money Miss Lumley had, a friend of hers bestowed the additional living
+of Stillington on her husband. These various sources of income must have
+made a tolerable revenue, which, after the publication of _Tristram_,
+was further supplemented by yet another benefice given him by Lord
+Falconbridge at Coxwold, a living of no great value, but a pleasant
+place of residence. Add to this the profits of his books in the last
+eight years of his life, which were for that day considerable, and it
+will be seen that, as has been said above, Sterne might have been much
+worse off in this world's goods than he was. He seems, like other
+people, to have made some rather costly experiments in farming; and his
+way of life latterly, what with his own journeys and sojourns in London,
+and the long separate residence of his wife and daughter in France, was
+expensive. But he complains little of poverty; and though he died in
+debt, much of that debt was due to no fault of his, but to the burning
+of the parsonage of Sutton.
+
+It is all the more remarkable in one way, though the absence of any
+pressure of want may explain it in another, that Sterne's great literary
+gifts should have remained so long without finding any kind of literary
+expression, unless it was in the newspaper way, in respect to which he
+first obliged and afterwards disobliged his uncle. There is, I believe,
+no dispute about the fact that he distances, and that by many years,
+every other man of letters of anything like his rank--except Cowper,
+whose affliction puts him out of comparison--in the lateness of his
+fruiting time. All but a quarter of a century had passed since he took
+his degree when _Tristram Shandy_ appeared; and, putting sermons aside,
+the very earliest thing of his known, _The History of a Good Watch
+Coat_, only antedated _Tristram_ by two years or rather less. He was no
+doubt "making himself all this time;" but the making must have been an
+uncommonly slow process. Nor did he, like a good many writers, occupy
+the time in preparing what he was afterwards to publish, unless in the
+case of a few of his sermons. It is positively known that _Tristram_ was
+written merely as it was published, and the _Journey_ likewise. Nor is
+even the first by any means a long book. It is as nearly as possible the
+same length as Fielding's _Amelia_ when printed straight on; and even
+then more allowance has to be made, not merely for its free and
+audacious plagiarisms, but for its constantly broken paragraphs, stars,
+dashes, and other trickeries. If it were possible to squeeze it up, as
+one squeezes a sponge, into the solid texture of an ordinary book,
+I doubt whether it would be very much longer than _Joseph Andrews_.
+
+It will probably be admitted, however, that the idiosyncrasy of the
+writings of Sterne's last and incomplete decade, even if it be in part
+only an idiosyncrasy of mannerism, is almost great enough to justify the
+nearly three decades of _Lehrjahre_ (starting from his entrance at
+Cambridge) which preceded it. It is true that of the actual occupations
+of these years we know extremely little--indeed, what we know as
+distinguished from what is guesswork and inference is mostly summed up
+by Sterne's own current and curvetting pen thus: "I remained near twenty
+years at Sutton, doing duty at both places [_i.e._, Sutton and
+Stillington]. I had then very good health. Books, painting, fiddling,
+and shooting were my amusements;" to which he adds only that he and the
+squire of Sutton were not very good friends, but that at Stillington the
+Croft family were extremely kind and amiable. From other sources,
+including, it is true, his own letters--though the dates and allusions
+of these are so uncertain that they are very doubtful guides--we find
+that his chief crony during this period, as during his life, was the
+already-mentioned John Hall, who had taken to the name of Stevenson, and
+was master of Skelton Castle, a very old and curious house on the border
+of the Cleveland moors, not far from the town of Guisborough. The master
+of "Crazy" Castle--he liked to give his house this name, which he
+afterwards used in entitling his book of _Crazy Tales_--his ways and his
+library, have usually been charged with debauching Sterne's innocent
+mind, which I should imagine lent itself to that process in a most
+docile and _morigerant_ fashion; but whether this was the case or not,
+it is clear that Stevenson bore no very good reputation. It is not
+certain, but was asserted, that he had been a monk of Medmenham. He
+gathered about him at Skelton a society which, though no such
+imputations were made on it as on that of Wilkes and Dashwood, was of a
+pretty loose kind; he was a humourist, both in the old and the modern
+sense; and his _Crazy Tales_ were, if not very mad, rather sad and bad
+exercises of the imagination.
+
+Amid all this dream- and guess-work, almost the only solid facts in
+Sterne's life are the births of two daughters, one in 1745, and the
+other two years later. Both were christened Lydia; the first died soon
+after she was born, the second lived to be the darling of both her
+parents, the object of the most respectable emotions of Sterne's life,
+the wife of an unknown Frenchman, M. de Medalle, and, as has been said,
+the probably unwitting destroyer of her father's last chance of
+reputation.
+
+Our exuberant nescience in matters Sternian extends up to the very
+publication of _Tristram_, as far as the determining causes of its
+production are concerned. It is true that in passages of the letters
+Sterne seems to say that his experiment with the pen was prompted by a
+desire to make good some losses in farming, and elsewhere that he was
+tired of employing his brains for other people's advantage, as he had
+done for some years for an ungrateful person, that is to say, his uncle.
+This last passage was written just before _Tristram_ came out; but at no
+time was Sterne a very trustworthy reporter of his own motives, and it
+would seem that the quarrel with his uncle must have been a good deal
+earlier. At any rate, the year 1759 seems to have been spent in writing
+the first two volumes of the book, and _The Life and Opinions of
+Tristram Shandy, Gent._, published by John Hinxham, Stonegate, York, but
+obtainable also from divers London booksellers, appeared on the 1st of
+January 1760. I wish Sterne had thought of keeping it till the 1st of
+April, which he would probably then have done.
+
+The comparatively short last scenes of his life were as busy and varied
+as his long middle course had been outwardly monotonous. Although his
+book was nominally published at York, he had gone up to London to
+superintend arrangements for its sale there, perhaps not without a hope
+of triumph. If so, Fortune chose not to play him her usual tricks. In
+York, the extreme personality of the book excited interest of a twofold
+and dubious kind; but, to play on some words of Dryden's, "London liked
+grossly" and swallowed _Tristram Shandy_ whole with singular avidity.
+Its author came to town just in time to enjoy the results of this, and
+was one of the chief lions of the season of 1760, a position which he
+enjoyed with a childish frankness that is not the least pleasant thing
+in his history. One, probably of the least important, though by accident
+one of the best known of his innumerable flirtations, with a Miss
+Fourmentelle, was apparently quenched by this distraction when it was on
+the point of going such lengths that the lady had actually come up alone
+to London to meet Sterne there. He was introduced to persons as
+different as Garrick and Warburton, from the latter of whom he received,
+in rather mysterious circumstances, a present of money. He haunted
+Ministers and Knights of the Garter; he was overwhelmed with invitations
+and callers; and, as has been said, he received one very solid present
+in the shape of the living of Coxwold. _Tristram_ went into a second
+edition rapidly; its author was enabled to announce a collection of
+"_Sermons_ by Mr. Yorick" in April; and he went to his new living in the
+early summer, determined to set to work vigorously on more of the work
+that had been so fortunate. By the end of the year he was ready with two
+more volumes, again came up to town, and again, when vols. iii. and iv.
+had appeared, at the end of January 1761, was besieged by admirers. For
+these two he received Ł380 from Dodsley, who had fought shy of the book
+earlier. They were quite as successful as the first pair; and again
+Sterne stayed all the spring and earlier summer in London, returning to
+Yorkshire to make more _Shandy_ in the autumn. He was still quicker over
+the third batch, and it was published in December 1761, when he was
+again in town, but he now meditated a longer flight. His health had been
+really declining, and he obtained leave from the archbishop for a year
+certain, and perhaps two, that he might go to the south of France. He
+was warmly received in Paris, where his work had obtained a popularity
+which it has never wholly lost, and the framework of fact (including the
+passport difficulties) for the _Sentimental Journey_, as well as for the
+seventh volume of _Tristram_, was laid during the spring. His plans were
+now changed, it being determined that his wife and daughter (who had
+inherited his constitution) should join him. They did so after some
+difficulties, and the consumptive novelist, having spent all the winter
+in one of the worst climates in Europe, that of the French capital,
+started with his family in the torrid heats of July for Toulouse, where
+at last they were established about the middle of August.
+
+Toulouse became Sterne's abode for nearly a year, his headquarters for a
+somewhat longer period, and the home of his wife and daughter, with
+migrations to Bagnčres, Montpellier, and a great many other places in
+France, for about five years. He himself--he had been ill at Toulouse,
+and worse at Montpellier--reached England again (after a short stay in
+Paris) during the early summer of 1764. Nor was it till January 1765
+that the seventh and eighth volumes of _Tristram_ appeared. As usual
+Sterne went to town to receive the congratulations of the public, which
+seem to have been fairly hearty; for though the instalment immediately
+preceding had not been an entire success, the longer interval had now
+had its effect not merely on the art and materials of the caterer, but
+on the appetite of his guests. He followed this up with two more volumes
+of Sermons, of a much more characteristic kind than his earlier venture
+in this way, and published partly by subscription. These, however, were
+not actually issued till 1766. Meanwhile, in October 1765, Sterne had
+set out for his second attempt in travel on the Continent, which was to
+supply the remaining material for the _Sentimental Journey_, and to be
+prolonged as far as Naples. Little is known of his winter stay at that
+city and in Rome. On his way homeward he met his wife and daughter in
+Franche-Comté, but at Mrs. Sterne's request left them there, and went on
+alone to Coxwold.
+
+He reached England in extremely bad health, and never left it again; but
+he had still nearly two years of fairly well filled life to run. The
+ninth, or last volume of _Tristram_ occupied him during the autumn of
+1766, and was produced with the invariable accompaniment of its author's
+appearance in London during January 1767. This visit, which lasted till
+May, saw the flirtation with "Eliza" Draper, the young wife of an Indian
+official, who was at home for her health, an affair which exalted Sterne
+in the eyes of eighteenth-century sensibility, especially in France,
+about as much as it has depressed him in the eyes not merely of the
+propriety, not merely of the common sense, but of the romance of later
+times. He was very ill when he got back to Coxwold, but recovered, and
+in October was joined by his wife and daughter. Even then, however, the
+community was a very temporary and divided one, for he took a house for
+them at York, and they were not to stay in England beyond the spring. He
+himself finished what we have of the _Sentimental Journey_, and went to
+London with it, where it was published rather later than usual, on the
+27th February 1768. Three weeks later its author, at his lodgings at 41
+New Bond Street, in the presence only of a hired nurse and a footman,
+who had been sent by some of his friends to inquire after him, took a
+journey other than sentimental, and so far unreported. Some odd but not
+very well authenticated stories gathered round his death, which occurred
+on Friday the 18th March. It was said, and it is probable enough, that
+his gold sleeve-links were stolen by his landlady. After his funeral,
+scantily attended, at the burying-ground of St. George's, Hanover
+Square, opposite Hyde Park (which used to be known by the squalid brown
+of its unrestored, and afterwards made more hideous by the bedizened red
+of its restored chapel), his body is said to have been snatched by
+resurrection men. And the myth is rounded off by the addition that the
+remains, having been sold to the professor of anatomy at Cambridge, were
+dissected there in public, one of the spectators, a friend of Sterne's,
+recognising the face too late, and fainting.
+
+His affairs, which had never been managed in a very business-like
+manner, were in considerable disorder. Some years before, the
+carelessness of his curate had caused or allowed the parsonage at Sutton
+to be burnt to the ground; and Sterne, besides losing valuable effects
+of his own, was of course liable for the rebuilding. He managed to put
+this off till his death, after which his widow and administratrix was
+sued for dilapidations. These, as she was in very poor circumstances,
+had to be compounded for sixty pounds only, but they probably ranked for
+a much larger sum in the Ł1100 at which Sterne's indebtedness was
+reckoned. His widow had a little money of her own: Ł800 was collected
+for her and her daughter at York races; there must have been profits
+from the copyrights; and a fresh collection of _Sermons_ was issued by
+subscription. But though very little is known about the pair, they are
+said to have been ill off. They applied first to Wilkes and then to
+Stevenson to write a life of Sterne to prefix to his Works, but neither
+complied. Mr. Fitzgerald, who seldom deserves the curse laid on those
+who use harsh judgment, is very severe on both for this. Yet surely
+each, considering his own reputation, must have felt that he was the
+last person to set Sterne right with the stricter part of society, and
+that to write a "Crazy" or "Shandean" life of him would be a cruel
+crime. It is not known exactly when Lydia married, or when either she or
+her mother died. Mrs. Sterne must have been dead by 1775, the date of
+the publication of the letters; Lydia is said to have perished in the
+French Revolution.
+
+Beginning authorship very late in life, having schooled himself to an
+intensely artificial method, both in style and in construction, and not
+allowed by Fate more than a few years in which to write at all, Sterne,
+as is natural, displays a great uniformity throughout his work. Indeed,
+it might be said that he has written but one book, _Tristram Shandy_.
+The _Sentimental Journey_ (as to the relative merits of which, compared
+with the earlier and larger work, there is a _polemos aspondos_ between
+the Big-endians and the Little-endians of Sternism) is after all only an
+expansion of the seventh book of Tristram, with _fioriture_, variations,
+and new divertisements. The sermon which occurs so early is an actual
+sermon of "Yorick's," and a sufficient specimen of his more serious
+concionatory vein; many, if not most of his letters might have been
+twined into _Tristram_ without being in the least degree more out of
+place than most of its actual contents. And so there is more propriety
+than depends upon the mere fact that _Tristram Shandy_ is the earliest
+and the largest part of its author's work, in making no extremely
+scholastic distinction between the specially Shandean and the generally
+Sternian characteristics; for, indeed, all Sterne is in it more or less
+eminently.
+
+No less a critic than M. Scherer has given his sanction to the idea that
+in Sterne we have a special, if not even _the_ special, type of the
+humourist; and probably few people who have given no particular thought
+or attention to the matter, would refuse to agree with him. I am myself
+inclined rather to a demur, or, at any rate, to a distinction, though
+few better things have been written about humour itself than a passage
+in M. Scherer's essay on our author. Sterne has no doubt in a very
+eminent degree the sense of contrast, which all the best critics admit
+to be the root of humour--the note of the humourist. But he has it
+partially, occasionally, and, I should even go as far as to say, not
+_greatly_. The _great_ English humourists, I take it, are Shakespeare,
+Swift, Fielding, Thackeray, and Carlyle. All these--even Fielding, whose
+eighteenth-century manner, the contemporary and counterpart of Sterne's,
+cannot hide the truth--apply the humourist contrast, the humourist sense
+of the irony of existence, to the great things, the _prima et
+novissima_. They see, and feel, and show the simultaneous sense of Death
+and Life, of Love and Loss, of the Finite and the Infinite. Sterne stops
+a long way short of this; _les grands sujets lui sont défendus_ in
+another sense than La Bruyčre's. It is scarcely too much to say that his
+ostentatious preference for the _bagatelle_ was a real, and not in the
+least affected fact. Nowhere, not in the true pathos of the famous
+deathbed letter to Mrs. James, not in the, as it seems to me, by no
+means wholly true pathos of the Le Fever episode, does he pierce to "the
+accepted hells beneath." He has an unmatched command of the lesser and
+lower varieties of the humorous contrast--over the odd, the petty, the
+queer, above all, over what the French untranslatably call the
+_saugrenu_. His forte is the foible; his _cheval de bataille_, the
+hobby-horse. If you want to soar into the heights, or plunge into the
+depths of humour, Sterne is not for you. But if you want what his own
+generation called a frisk on middle, _very_ middle-earth, a hunt in
+curiosity-shops (especially of the technically "curious" description),
+a peep into all manner of _coulisses_ and behind-scenes of human nature,
+a ride on a sort of intellectual switchback, a view of moral, mental,
+religious, sentimental dancing of all the kinds that have delighted man,
+from the rope to the skirt, then have with Sterne in any direction he
+pleases. He may sometimes a very little disgust you, but you will seldom
+have just cause to complain that he disappoints and deceives.
+
+The _Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gent._ (which, as it has been
+excellently observed, is in reality based on the life of the gent's
+uncle, and the opinions of the gent's father), is the largest and in
+every way the chief field for these diversions. The apparatus, and, so
+far as there can be said to have been one, the object with which Sterne
+marked it out and filled it up, are clear, and even the former must have
+been clear enough to anybody of some reading and some intelligence long
+before the excellent Dr. Ferriar, in the spirit of a reverent
+iconoclast, set himself to work to point out Sterne's exact indebtedness
+to Rabelais, Burton, Beroalde (if Beroalde wrote the _Moyen de
+Parvenir_), Bruscambille, and the rest. Of this particular part of the
+matter I do not think it necessary to say much. The charge of plagiarism
+is usually an excessively idle one; for when a man of genius steals, he
+always makes the thefts his own; and when a man steals without genius,
+the thefts are mere fairy gold which turns to leaves and pebbles under
+his hand. No doubt Sterne "lifted" in _Tristram_, and still more in the
+_Sermons_, with rather more freedom and audacity than most men of
+genius; but when we remember that he took Burton's denunciation of the
+practice and reproduced it (all but in Burton's very words) as his own,
+it must be clear to any one who is not very dull indeed that he was
+playing an audacious practical joke. Where he is best, he does not steal
+at all, and that is the only point of real importance.
+
+It is somewhat more, I think, the business of the critic (who is here
+more especially bound not to look only at the stop-watch) to note the
+far more striking way in which Sterne borrowed, not actual passages and
+words, but manner and style. Here, perhaps, we shall find him accountant
+for a greater debt; and here also we may think that though his genius is
+indisputable, he gives more reason to those who should deny him the
+highest kind of genius. Beyond doubt not merely his reading, but his
+temper and his characteristics of all kinds, inclined him to the style
+to which the French fifteenth and sixteenth centuries gave the name of
+_fatrasie_, or pillar-to-post divagation, with more or less of a covert
+satiric aim. But if we compare the dealing of Swift with Cyrano de
+Bergerac, the dealing of Fielding with the romance and novel as it
+existed before his time, nay, the dealing of Shakespeare with the
+Marlowe drama, we shall note a marked difference in Sterne's procedure.
+Nobody, even in his own day, who knew Rabelais at all could fail to
+detect the almost servile following of manner in great things and in
+small which _Tristram_ displays. No one--a much smaller designation--who
+knows the strange, unedifying, but very far from commonplace book of
+which, as I have hinted, I never can quite believe that Beroalde de
+Verville was the author, can fail to detect an even closer, though a
+somewhat less obvious and, so to speak, less verifiable following here.
+
+In another region--the purgatory of all Sterne's commentators--we can
+trace this corrupt following as distinctly at least, though it has,
+I think, been less often definitely attributed. Sterne's too celebrated
+indecency, is, with one exception, _sui generis_. No doubt much nonsense
+has been and is talked about "indecency" in general literature. When it
+is indulged, as it has been, for instance, in French of late, it becomes
+a nuisance of the most loathsome kind. It is always perhaps better left
+alone. But if it be a sin to laugh now and then frankly at what were
+once called "gentlemen's stories," then not merely many a gallant,
+noble, and not unwise gentleman, but I fear not a few ladies, both fair
+and fine, are damned, with Shakespeare and Scott and Southey, with
+Margaret of Navarre and Marie de Sévigné, to keep them in countenance.
+Yet to merit indulgence, this questionable quality, in addition to being
+treated as genius treats, must have certain sub-qualities, or freedoms
+from quality, of its own. It must not be brutal and inhuman, since the
+quality of humanity is the main thing that saves it. It must not be
+underhand and sniggering. It must be frank and jovial, or frank and
+passionate. Perhaps, in some cases, it may be saved, as Swift's is to a
+great extent, by the overmastering pessimism of despair, which enforces
+its contempt of man and man's fate by bringing forward these evidences
+of his weakness. But Sterne can plead none of these exemptions. He has
+neither the frank laughter of Aristophanes and Rabelais, nor the frank
+passion of Catullus and Donne. He was incapable of feeling any _sćva
+indignatio_ whatever. The attraction of the thing for him was, I fear,
+merely the attraction of the improper, because it is improper; because
+it shocks people, or makes them blush, or gives them an unholy little
+quiver of sordid shamefaced delectation. His famous apology of the child
+playing on the floor and showing in innocence what is not usually shown,
+was desperately unlucky. For his displays are those of educated and
+economic un-innocency. And he took this manner, I am nearly sure, wholly
+and directly from Voltaire, who enjoys the unenviable copyright and
+patent of it.
+
+The third characteristic which Sterne took from others, which dyed his
+work deeply, and which injured more than it helped it, was his famous,
+his unrivalled, Sensibility or Sentimentalism. A great deal has been
+written about this admired eighteenth-century device, and there is no
+space here for discussing it. Suffice it to say, that although Sterne
+certainly did not invent it--it had been inculcated by two whole
+generations of French novelists before him, and had been familiar in
+England for half a century--he has the glory, such as it is, of carrying
+it to the farthest possible. The dead donkey and the live donkey, the
+latter (as I humbly but proudly join myself to Mr. Thackeray and Mr.
+Traill in thinking) far the finer animal; Le Fever and La Fleur; Maria
+and Eliza; Uncle Toby's fly, and poor Mrs. Sterne's antenuptial
+polyanthus; the stoics that Mr. Sterne (with a generous sense that he
+was in no danger of that lash) wished to be whipped, and the critics
+from whom he would have fled from Dan to Beersheba to be delivered;
+--all the celebrated persons and passages of his works, all the
+decorations and fireworks thereof, are directed mainly to the exhibition
+of _Sensibility_, once so charming, now, alas! hooted and contemned of
+the people!
+
+And now it will be possible to have done with his foibles, all the rest
+in Sterne being for praise, with hardly any mixture of blame. We have
+seen what he borrowed from others, mostly to his hurt; let us now see
+what he contributed of his own, almost wholly to his credit and
+advantage. He had, in the first place, what most writers when they begin
+almost invariably and almost inevitably lack, a long and carefully
+amassed store, not merely of reading, but of observation of mankind.
+Although his nearly fifty years of life had been in the ordinary sense
+uneventful, they had given him opportunities which he had amply taken.
+A "son of the regiment," he had evidently studied with the greatest and
+most loving care the ways of an army which still included a large
+proportion of Marlborough's veterans; and it has been constantly and
+reasonably held that his chief study had been his father, whom he
+evidently adored in a way. Roger Sterne is the admitted model of my
+Uncle Toby; and I at least have no doubt that he was the original of Mr.
+Shandy also, for some of the qualities which appear in his son's
+character of him are Walter's, not Toby's. It would have required,
+perhaps, even greater genius than Sterne possessed, and an environment
+less saturated with the delusive theory of the "ruling passion," to have
+given us the mixed and blended temperament instead of separating it into
+two gentlemen at once, and making Walter Shandy all wayward intellect,
+and Tobias all gentle goodness. But if it had been done--as Shakespeare
+perhaps alone could have done it--we should have had a greater and more
+human figure than either. Mr. Shandy would then never have come near, as
+he does sometimes, to being a bore; and my Uncle Toby (if I may say so
+without taking the wings of the morning to flee from the wrath of the
+extreme Tobyolaters) would have been saved from the occasional
+appearance of being something like a fool.
+
+Still, these two are delightful even in their present dichotomy; and
+Sterne was amply provided by his genius, working on his experience, with
+company for them. His fancy portrait of himself as "Yorick" (his
+unfeigned Shakespearianism is one of his best traits) is a little vague
+and fantastic; and that of Eugenius, which is supposed to represent John
+Hall Stevenson, is almost as slight as it is flattering. But Dr. Slop,
+who is known to have been drawn (with somewhat unmerciful fidelity in
+externals, but not at all unkindly when we look deeper) from Dr. Burton,
+a well-known Jacobite practitioner who had suffered from the Hanoverian
+zeal of Yorick's uncle Jaques in the '45, is a masterpiece. The York
+dignitaries are veritable etchings in outline, more instinct with life
+and individuality than a thousand elaborately painted pictures; all the
+servants, Obadiah, Susannah, Bridget, and the rest, are the equals of
+Fielding's, or of Thackeray's domestics; and though Tristram himself is
+the shadow of a shade, I confess that I seem to see a vivid portrait in
+the three or four strokes which alone give us "my dear, dear Jenny." Mr.
+Fitzgerald, succumbing to a not unnatural temptation, considering the
+close juxtaposition in time, approximates this to the "dear, dear Kitty"
+of the letters to Miss Catherine de Fourmentelle. But this, taking all
+things together, would be a rather serious _scandalum damigellarum_; and
+I do not think it necessary to identify, though the traits seem to me to
+suit not ill with the few genuine ones in the letters about Mrs. Sterne
+herself. That the "dear, dear" should be ironical more or less is quite
+Shandean. All these, if not drawn directly from individuals (the lower
+exercise), are first generalised and then precipitated into
+individuality from a large observation (which is the infinitely higher
+and better). I fear I must except Widow Wadman, save in the sentry-box
+scene, from this encomium. But then Widow Wadman is not really a real
+person. She is partly an instrument to put my Uncle Toby through some
+new motions, and partly a cue to enable Sterne to indulge in his worst
+foible. As for Trim, _quis vituperavit_ Trim? The lover of the "popish
+clergywoman" is simply perfect, with a not much less good heart and a
+much better head than his master's, and in his own degree hardly less of
+a gentleman.
+
+The manner in which these delightful persons (I observe with shame that
+I had omitted the modest worth of Mrs. Shandy, nearly the most
+delightful of them all) are introduced to the reader, may have suffered
+a little from that corrupt following of which enough has been said.
+I can only say, that I would compound for a good deal more corruption of
+the same kind, allied with a good deal less genius. It can scarcely be
+doubted that there was a real pre-established harmony between Sterne's
+gifts and the _fatrasie_ manner; certainly this manner, if it sometimes
+exhibited his weaknesses, gave rare opportunities to his strength. And
+the same may be said of his style. He might certainly have given us less
+of the typographical tricks with which he chose to bedizen and bedaub
+it, and sometimes in his ultra-Rabelaisian moods --I do not mean of
+_gauloiserie_ but of sheer fooling--we feel the falsetto rather
+disastrously. It is constantly forgotten by unfavourable critics of
+Rabelais that his extravagances were to a great extent, at any rate,
+quite natural outbursts of animal spirits. The Middle Ages, though it
+has become the fashion with those who know nothing about them to
+represent them as ages of gloom, were probably the merriest time of this
+world's history; and the Reformation and the Renaissance, with their
+pedantry and their puritanism, and worst of all their physical science,
+had not quite killed the merriment when Rabelais wrote. But though
+animal spirits still survived in Sterne's day, it cannot be said that in
+England, any more than elsewhere, there was much genuine merriment of
+the honest, childish, medićval kind, and thus his manner perpetually
+jars. Still the style, independently of the tricks, was excellently
+suited for the work. It is a moot point how far the extremely loose and
+ungirt character of this style, which sometimes, and indeed often,
+reaches sheer slovenliness and solecism, was intentional. I think myself
+that it was nearly as deliberate as the asterisks, and the black and
+marble pages. We know from the _Sermons_ that Sterne could write
+carefully enough when he chose, and we know from the MS. of the
+_Journey_ that he corrected sedulously. Nor is it likely that he had the
+excuse of hurry. The shortest time that he ever took over one of his
+two-volume batches was more than six months; and looking at the
+practice, not of miracles of industry and facility like Scott, but of
+rather dilatory writers like Thackeray, one would think that the
+quantity (which is not more than a couple of hundred pages of one of
+these present volumes) might be written in little more than six weeks.
+At any rate, the style, conversational, unpretentious, too easy to be
+jerky, and yet too broken to be sustained, suits subject and scheme as
+few others could.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+But there is perhaps little need to say more about a book which, though
+some say that few read it through nowadays, is thoroughly well known in
+outline and in its salient passages, and which will pretty certainly lay
+hold of all fit readers as soon as they take to it. Of its writer a very
+little more may perhaps be said, all the more so because those who, not
+understanding critical admiration, think that biographers and editors
+ought not only to be just and a little kind, but extravagantly partial
+to their subjects, may conceive that I have been a little unjust, or, at
+any rate, a little unkind to Sterne. If so, they have not read his own
+extremely ingenious, and in general, if not in particular, very sound
+attack on the adage _de mortuis_. But if not _nil nisi_, there is yet
+very much _bonum_ to be said of Sterne. He was not merely endowed with a
+singular and essential genius; he was not merely the representative and
+mouthpiece, in a way hardly surpassed by any one, of a certain way of
+thought and feeling more or less peculiar to his time. These were his
+merits, his very great merits as a writer. But he had others, and great,
+if not very great ones, as a man. Though never rich, he seems to have
+been free from the fault of parsimony; and albeit he died in debt, not
+deeply tainted with that of extravagance in money matters. For most of
+his later expenditure was on others, and he might justly calculate on
+his pen paying, and more than paying, his shot. Little love as there was
+lost between him and his wife, he always took the greatest care to
+provide for her wants in the rather costly severance of their
+establishments, and never even in his most indiscreet moments hints a
+grumble at her expenditure, a vice of which some people of much higher
+general reputation have been known to be guilty. Though he was certainly
+pleased at the attentions of "the great," I do not know that there is
+any just cause for accusing him of truckling to, or fawning on them
+beyond the custom and courtesy of the time. For all his reckless humour,
+there was no ill-nature in him. His worst enemies have admitted that his
+affection for his daughter was very pretty and quite unaffected; and his
+letters to and of Mrs. James show that he could think of a woman nobly
+and wholesomely as a friend, for all his ignoble and unwholesome ways of
+thought in regard to the sex. If it had not been for the cruel
+indiscretion of his Lydia (which, however, has something of the old
+virtue of conveying the balm as well as the sting), he would probably
+have been much better thought of than he is. And considering the
+delightful books here once more presented, I think we may consent to
+forgive the faults which, after all, were mainly his own business, for
+the merits by which we so largely benefit and for which he reaped no
+over-bounteous guerdon.
+
+  GEORGE SAINTSBURY.
+
+
+  WORKS. --The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Vols. I. and II.,
+  1759; III. and IV., 1761; V. and VI., 1762; VII. and VIII., 1765;
+  IX., 1767; first collected edition, 1767; numerous later editions,
+  chiefly of recent date. Sermons of Mr. Yorick, Vols. I. and II.,
+  1760; III. and IV., 1766; V., VI., and VII., 1769. A Sentimental
+  Journey, 1768; many later editions; Letters from Yorick to Eliza,
+  1775; Sterne's Letters to his Friends on Various Occasions, 1775;
+  Letters of Laurence Sterne to his most intimate friends, 1775;
+  Original Letters never before published, 1788; Letters of Yorick and
+  Eliza, 1807; Seven Letters written by Sterne and his Friends,
+  hitherto unpublished, 1844; Unpublished Letters of Laurence Sterne,
+  edited by J. Murray, 1856.
+
+  Collected editions of the works of Laurence Sterne appeared in 1779,
+  1780; edited by G. Saintsbury, 1894; by Wilbur L. Cross, 1906.
+
+
+  LIFE. --An account of the life and writings of the author is prefixed
+  to the edition of his Works, 1779; a life of the author written by
+  himself in edition of works, 1780; by Sir W. Scott in edition of
+  Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, 1867; by H. D. Traill, 1878;
+  by P. H. Fitzgerald, 1896; Laurence Sterne in Germany, by H. W.
+  Thayer, 1905; Life and Times, by Wilbur L. Cross, 1909; A Study, by
+  Walter S. Sichel, 1910; Life and Letters, by Lewis Melville, 1911.
+
+
+[***] The text which has been here adopted is that of the ten-volume
+edition, first printed in 1781, and reprinted several times before the
+end of the century, which is as near as anything to the "standard"
+Sterne. It seems, however, to have had no competent editing; and the
+renumbering of the chapters to suit the _four_ volumes, in which
+_Tristram_ was printed, completely upsets the original and important
+division into _nine_ volumes, or books, which has here, as in some other
+editions, been restored. Another piece of thoughtlessness was that of
+sticking the Dedication, which originally came between the eighth and
+ninth volumes, or books, at the beginning of the _fourth_ volume as
+reprinted, thereby making nonsense or puzzle of Sterne's joke about _ŕ
+priori_. It should be observed that the Dedication to Pitt, which here
+leads off, was not prefixed till the _second_ edition of the original,
+and that sometimes in the last-century editions it appears displaced at
+a later spot. No attempt has been made to correct any oddities of
+spelling that are not clearly mere misprints.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+                                                        PAGE
+
+BOOK I.                                                    3
+
+BOOK II.                                                  59
+
+BOOK III.                                                113
+
+BOOK IV.                                                 176
+
+BOOK V.                                                  251
+
+BOOK VI.                                                 300
+
+BOOK VII.                                                349
+
+BOOK VIII.                                               395
+
+BOOK IX.                                                 441
+
+
+
+
+  THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
+
+  OF
+
+  TRISTRAM SHANDY
+
+  GENTLEMAN
+
+
+  +Tarassei tous Anthrôpous ou ta Pragmata,
+  Alla ta peri tôn Pragmatôn Dogmata.+
+
+
+
+
+  TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE
+
+  _MR. PITT_
+
+
+SIR, --Never poor Wight of a Dedicator had less hopes from his
+Dedication, than I have from this of mine; for it is written in a bye
+corner of the kingdom, and in a retir'd thatch'd house, where I live in
+a constant endeavour to fence against the infirmities of ill health, and
+other evils of life, by mirth; being firmly persuaded that every time a
+man smiles, ----but much more so, when he laughs, it adds something to
+this Fragment of Life.
+
+I humbly beg, Sir, that you will honour this book, by taking it----(not
+under your Protection, ----it must protect itself, but)----into the
+country with you; where, if I am ever told, it has made you smile; or
+can conceive it has beguiled you of one moment's pain ----I shall think
+myself as happy as a minister of state; ------perhaps much happier than
+any one (one only excepted) that I have read or heard of.
+
+  I am, GREAT SIR,
+  (and what is more to your Honour)
+  I am, GOOD SIR,
+  Your Well-wisher, and
+  most humble Fellow-subject,
+
+  THE AUTHOR.
+
+
+
+
+THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF
+
+TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT.
+
+
+
+
+BOOK I
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+I wish either my father or my mother, or indeed both of them, as they
+were in duty both equally bound to it, had minded what they were about
+when they begot me; had they duly consider'd how much depended upon what
+they were then doing; --that not only the production of a rational Being
+was concerned in it, but that possibly the happy formation and
+temperature of his body, perhaps his genius and the very cast of his
+mind; --and, for aught they knew to the contrary, even the fortunes of
+his whole house might take their turn from the humours and dispositions
+which were then uppermost; ----Had they duly weighed and considered all
+this, and proceeded accordingly, ----I am verily persuaded I should have
+made a quite different figure in the world from that in which the reader
+is likely to see me. --Believe me, good folks, this is not so
+inconsiderable a thing as many of you may think it; --you have all,
+I dare say, heard of the animal spirits, as how they are transfused from
+father to son, &c., &c. --and a great deal to that purpose: --Well, you
+may take my word, that nine parts in ten of a man's sense or his
+nonsense, his successes and miscarriages in this world depend upon their
+motions and activity, and the different tracts and trains you put them
+into, so that when they are once set a-going, whether right or wrong,
+'tis not a halfpenny matter, --away they go cluttering like hey-go mad;
+and by treading the same steps over and over again, they presently make
+a road of it, as plain and as smooth as a garden-walk, which, when they
+are once used to, the Devil himself sometimes shall not be able to drive
+them off it.
+
+_Pray, my Dear_, quoth my mother, _have you not forgot to wind up the
+clock? ------Good G--!_ cried my father, making an exclamation, but
+taking care to moderate his voice at the same time, ----_Did ever woman,
+since the creation of the world, interrupt a man with such a silly
+question?_ Pray, what was your father saying? ------Nothing.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+------Then, positively, there is nothing in the question that I can see,
+either good or bad. ----Then, let me tell you, Sir, it was a very
+unseasonable question at least, --because it scattered and dispersed the
+animal spirits, whose business it was to have escorted and gone hand in
+hand with the _HOMUNCULUS_, and conducted him safe to the place destined
+for his reception.
+
+The HOMUNCULUS, Sir, in however low and ludicrous a light he may appear,
+in this age of levity, to the eye of folly or prejudice; --to the eye of
+reason in scientifick research, he stands confess'd--a BEING guarded and
+circumscribed with rights. ----The minutest philosophers, who, by the
+bye, have the most enlarged understandings (their souls being inversely
+as their enquiries), shew us incontestably, that the HOMUNCULUS is
+created by the same hand, --engender'd in the same course of nature,
+--endow'd with the same locomotive powers and faculties with us: --That
+he consists as we do, of skin, hair, fat, flesh, veins, arteries,
+ligaments, nerves, cartilages, bones, marrow, brains, glands, genitals,
+humours, and articulations; --is a Being of as much activity, --and, in
+all senses of the word, as much and as truly our fellow-creature as my
+Lord Chancellor of _England_. --He may be benefited, --he may be
+injured, --he may obtain redress; --in a word, he has all the claims and
+rights of humanity, which _Tully_, _Puffendorf_, or the best ethick
+writers allow to arise out of that state and relation.
+
+Now, dear Sir, what if any accident had befallen him in his way alone!
+--or that, through terror of it, natural to so young a traveller, my
+little Gentleman had got to his journey's end miserably spent; --his
+muscular strength and virility worn down to a thread; --his own animal
+spirits ruffled beyond description, --and that in this sad disordered
+state of nerves, he had lain down a prey to sudden starts, or a series
+of melancholy dreams and fancies, for nine long, long months together.
+--I tremble to think what a foundation had been laid for a thousand
+weaknesses both of body and mind, which no skill of the physician or the
+philosopher could ever afterwards have set thoroughly to rights.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+To my uncle Mr. _Toby Shandy_ do I stand indebted for the preceding
+anecdote, to whom my father, who was an excellent natural philosopher,
+and much given to close reasoning upon the smallest matters, had oft,
+and heavily complained of the injury; but once more particularly, as my
+uncle _Toby_ well remember'd, upon his observing a most unaccountable
+obliquity (as he call'd it) in my manner of setting up my top, and
+justifying the principles upon which I had done it, --the old gentleman
+shook his head, and in a tone more expressive by half of sorrow than
+reproach, --he said his heart all along foreboded, and he saw it
+verified in this, and from a thousand other observations he had made
+upon me, That I should neither think nor act like any other man's child:
+--_But alas!_ continued he, shaking his head a second time, and wiping
+away a tear which was trickling down his cheeks, _My Tristram's
+misfortunes began nine months before ever he came into the world_.
+
+--My mother, who was sitting by, look'd up, --but she knew no more than
+her backside what my father meant, --but my uncle, Mr. _Toby Shandy_,
+who had been often informed of the affair, --understood him very well.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+I know there are readers in the world, as well as many other good people
+in it, who are no readers at all, who find themselves ill at ease,
+unless they are let into the whole secret from first to last, of
+everything which concerns you.
+
+It is in pure compliance with this humour of theirs, and from a
+backwardness in my nature to disappoint any one soul living, that I have
+been so very particular already. As my life and opinions are likely to
+make some noise in the world, and, if I conjecture right, will take in
+all ranks, professions, and denominations of men whatever, --be no less
+read than the _Pilgrim's Progress_ itself--and in the end, prove the
+very thing which _Montaigne_ dreaded his Essays should turn out, that
+is, a book for a parlour-window; --I find it necessary to consult every
+one a little in his turn; and therefore must beg pardon for going on a
+little farther in the same way: For which cause, right glad I am, that I
+have begun the history of myself in the way I have done; and that I am
+able to go on, tracing everything in it, as _Horace_ says, _ab Ovo_.
+
+_Horace_, I know, does not recommend this fashion altogether: But that
+gentleman is speaking only of an epic poem or a tragedy; --(I forget
+which), --besides, if it was not so, I should beg Mr. _Horace's_ pardon;
+--for in writing what I have set about, I shall confine myself neither
+to his rules, nor to any man's rules that ever lived.
+
+To such, however, as do not choose to go so far back into these things,
+I can give no better advice, than that they skip over the remaining part
+of this chapter; for I declare before-hand, 'tis wrote only for the
+curious and inquisitive.
+
+------------Shut the door. -------------------------------------- I was
+begot in the night, betwixt the first _Sunday_ and the first _Monday_ in
+the month of _March_, in the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred
+and eighteen. I am positive I was. --But how I came to be so very
+particular in my account of a thing which happened before I was born, is
+owing to another small anecdote known only in our own family, but now
+made publick for the better clearing up this point.
+
+My father, you must know, who was originally a _Turkey_ merchant, but
+had left off business for some years, in order to retire to, and die
+upon, his paternal estate in the county of ------, was, I believe, one
+of the most regular men in everything he did, whether 'twas matter of
+business, or matter of amusement, that ever lived. As a small specimen
+of this extreme exactness of his, to which he was in truth a slave, --he
+had made it a rule for many years of his life, --on the first
+_Sunday-night_ of every month throughout the whole year, --as certain as
+ever the _Sunday-night_ came, ----to wind up a large house-clock, which
+we had standing on the back-stairs head, with his own hands: --And being
+somewhere between fifty and sixty years of age at the time I have been
+speaking of, --he had likewise gradually brought some other little
+family concernments to the same period, in order, as he would often say
+to my uncle _Toby_, to get them all out of the way at one time, and be
+no more plagued and pestered with them the rest of the month.
+
+It was attended but with one misfortune, which, in a great measure, fell
+upon myself, and the effects of which I fear I shall carry with me to my
+grave; namely, that from an unhappy association of ideas, which have no
+connection in nature, it so fell out at length, that my poor mother
+could never hear the said clock wound up, ----but the thoughts of some
+other things unavoidably popped into her head--and _vice versâ_:
+----Which strange combination of ideas, the sagacious _Locke_, who
+certainly understood the nature of these things better than most men,
+affirms to have produced more wry actions than all other sources of
+prejudice whatsoever.
+
+But this by the bye.
+
+Now it appears by a memorandum in my father's pocket-book, which now
+lies upon the table, "That on _Lady-day_, which was on the 25th of the
+same month in which I date my geniture, ----my father set out upon his
+journey to _London_, with my eldest brother _Bobby_, to fix him at
+_Westminster_ school;" and, as it appears from the same authority, "That
+he did not get down to his wife and family till the _second week_ in
+_May_ following," --it brings the thing almost to a certainty. However,
+what follows in the beginning of the next chapter, puts it beyond all
+possibility of doubt.
+
+------But pray, Sir, What was your father doing all _December_,
+_January_, and _February?_ ----Why, Madam, --he was all that time
+afflicted with a Sciatica.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+On the fifth day of _November_, 1718, which to the ćra fixed on, was as
+near nine calendar months as any husband could in reason have expected,
+--was I _Tristram Shandy_, Gentleman, brought forth into this scurvy and
+disasterous world of ours. ----I wish I had been born in the Moon, or in
+any of the planets (except _Jupiter_ or _Saturn_, because I never could
+bear cold weather) for it could not well have fared worse with me in any
+of them (though I will not answer for _Venus_) than it has in this vile,
+dirty planet of ours, --which, o' my conscience, with reverence be it
+spoken, I take to be made up of the shreds and clippings of the rest;
+----not but the planet is well enough, provided a man could be born in
+it to a great title or to a great estate; or could any how contrive to
+be called up to publick charges, and employments of dignity or power;
+----but that is not my case; ----and therefore every man will speak of
+the fair as his own market has gone in it; ------for which cause I
+affirm it over again to be one of the vilest worlds that ever was made;
+--for I can truly say, that from the first hour I drew my breath in it,
+to this, that I can now scarce draw it at all, for an asthma I got in
+scating against the wind in _Flanders_; --I have been the continual
+sport of what the world calls Fortune; and though I will not wrong her
+by saying, She has ever made me feel the weight of any great or signal
+evil; ----yet with all the good temper in the world, I affirm it of her,
+that in every stage of my life, and at every turn and corner where she
+could get fairly at me, the ungracious duchess has pelted me with a set
+of as pitiful misadventures and cross accidents as ever small HERO
+sustained.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+In the beginning of the last chapter, I informed you exactly _when_ I
+was born; but I did not inform you _how. No_, that particular was
+reserved entirely for a chapter by itself; --besides, Sir, as you and I
+are in a manner perfect strangers to each other, it would not have been
+proper to have let you into too many circumstances relating to myself
+all at once. --You must have a little patience. I have undertaken, you
+see, to write not only my life, but my opinions also; hoping and
+expecting that your knowledge of my character, and of what kind of a
+mortal I am, by the one, would give you a better relish for the other:
+As you proceed farther with me, the slight acquaintance, which is now
+beginning betwixt us, will grow into familiarity; and that, unless one
+of us is in fault, will terminate in friendship. --_O diem
+prćclarum!_--then nothing which has touched me will be thought trifling
+in its nature, or tedious in its telling. Therefore, my dear friend and
+companion, if you should think me somewhat sparing of my narrative on my
+first setting out--bear with me, --and let me go on, and tell my story
+my own way: --Or, if I should seem now and then to trifle upon the road,
+--or should sometimes put on a fool's cap with a bell to it, for a
+moment or two as we pass along, --don't fly off, --but rather
+courteously give me credit for a little more wisdom than appears upon my
+outside; --and as we jog on, either laugh with me, or at me, or in
+short, do anything, --only keep your temper.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+In the same village where my father and my mother dwelt, dwelt also a
+thin, upright, motherly, notable, good old body of a midwife, who with
+the help of a little plain good sense, and some years full employment in
+her business, in which she had all along trusted little to her own
+efforts, and a great deal to those of dame Nature, --had acquired, in
+her way, no small degree of reputation in the world: ----by which word
+_world_, need I in this place inform your worship, that I would be
+understood to mean no more of it, than a small circle described upon the
+circle of the great world, of four _English_ miles diameter, or
+thereabouts, of which the cottage where the good old woman lived, is
+supposed to be the centre? --She had been left, it seems, a widow in
+great distress, with three or four small children, in her forty-seventh
+year; and as she was at that time a person of decent carriage, --grave
+deportment, --a woman moreover of few words, and withal an object of
+compassion, whose distress, and silence under it, called out the louder
+for a friendly lift: the wife of the parson of the parish was touched
+with pity; and having often lamented an inconvenience, to which her
+husband's flock had for many years been exposed, inasmuch as there was
+no such thing as a midwife, of any kind or degree, to be got at, let the
+case have been never so urgent, within less than six or seven long miles
+riding; which seven said long miles in dark nights and dismal roads, the
+country thereabouts being nothing but a deep clay, was almost equal to
+fourteen; and that in effect was sometimes next to having no midwife at
+all; it came into her head, that it would be doing as seasonable a
+kindness to the whole parish, as to the poor creature herself, to get
+her a little instructed in some of the plain principles of the business,
+in order to set her up in it. As no woman thereabouts was better
+qualified to execute the plan she had formed than herself, the
+gentlewoman very charitably undertook it; and having great influence
+over the female part of the parish, she found no difficulty in effecting
+it to the utmost of her wishes. In truth, the parson join'd his interest
+with his wife's in the whole affair; and in order to do things as they
+should be, and give the poor soul as good a title by law to practise, as
+his wife had given by institution, --he chearfully paid the fees for the
+ordinary's licence himself, amounting in the whole, to the sum of
+eighteen shillings and four pence; so that betwixt them both, the good
+woman was fully invested in the real and corporal possession of her
+office, together with all its _rights, members, and appurtenances
+whatsoever_.
+
+These last words, you must know, were not according to the old form in
+which such licences, faculties, and powers usually ran, which in like
+cases had heretofore been granted to the sisterhood. But it was
+according to a neat _Formula_ of _Didius_ his own devising, who having a
+particular turn for taking to pieces, and new framing over again, all
+kind of instruments in that way, not only hit upon this dainty
+amendment, but coaxed many of the old licensed matrons in the
+neighbourhood, to open their faculties afresh, in order to have this
+wham-wham of his inserted.
+
+I own I never could envy _Didius_ in these kinds of fancies of his:
+--But every man to his own taste. --Did not Dr. _Kunastrokius_, that
+great man, at his leisure hours, take the greatest delight imaginable in
+combing of asses tails, and plucking the dead hairs out with his teeth,
+though he had tweezers always in his pocket? Nay, if you come to that,
+Sir, have not the wisest of men in all ages, not excepting _Solomon_
+himself, --have they not had their HOBBY-HORSES; --their running horses,
+--their coins and their cockle-shells, their drums and their trumpets,
+their fiddles, their pallets, --their maggots and their butterflies?
+--and so long as a man rides his HOBBY-HORSE peaceably and quietly along
+the King's highway, and neither compels you or me to get up behind him,
+--pray, Sir, what have either you or I to do with it?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+--_De gustibus non est disputandum_; --that is, there is no disputing
+against HOBBY-HORSES; and for my part, I seldom do; nor could I with any
+sort of grace, had I been an enemy to them at the bottom; for happening,
+at certain intervals and changes of the moon, to be both fidler and
+painter, according as the fly stings: --Be it known to you, that I keep
+a couple of pads myself, upon which, in their turns, (nor do I care who
+knows it) I frequently ride out and take the air; --though sometimes, to
+my shame be it spoken, I take somewhat longer journies than what a wise
+man would think altogether right. --But the truth is, --I am not a wise
+man; --and besides am a mortal of so little consequence in the world, it
+is not much matter what I do: so I seldom fret or fume at all about it:
+Nor does it much disturb my rest, when I see such great Lords and tall
+Personages as hereafter follow; --such, for instance, as my Lord A, B,
+C, D, E, F, G, H, I, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, and so on, all of a row,
+mounted upon their several horses; --some with large stirrups, getting
+on in a more grave and sober pace; ----others on the contrary, tucked up
+to their very chins, with whips across their mouths, scouring and
+scampering it away like so many little party-coloured devils astride a
+mortgage, --and as if some of them were resolved to break their necks.
+----So much the better--say I to myself; --for in case the worst should
+happen, the world will make a shift to do excellently well without them;
+and for the rest, ----why ----God speed them----e'en let them ride on
+without opposition from me; for were their lordships unhorsed this very
+night--'tis ten to one but that many of them would be worse mounted by
+one half before to-morrow morning.
+
+Not one of these instances therefore can be said to break in upon my
+rest. ----But there is an instance, which I own puts me off my guard,
+and that is, when I see one born for great actions, and what is still
+more for his honour, whose nature ever inclines him to good ones; --when
+I behold such a one, my Lord, like yourself, whose principles and
+conduct are as generous and noble as his blood, and whom, for that
+reason, a corrupt world cannot spare one moment; --when I see such a
+one, my Lord, mounted, though it is but for a minute beyond the time
+which my love to my country has prescribed to him, and my zeal for his
+glory wishes, --then, my Lord, I cease to be a philosopher, and in the
+first transport of an honest impatience, I wish the HOBBY-HORSE, with
+all his fraternity, at the Devil.
+
+"MY LORD,
+
+"I maintain this to be a dedication, notwithstanding its singularity in
+the three great essentials of matter, form, and place: I beg, therefore,
+you will accept it as such, and that you will permit me to lay it, with
+the most respectful humility, at your Lordship's feet, --when you are
+upon them, --which you can be when you please; --and that is, my Lord,
+whenever there is occasion for it, and I will add, to the best purposes
+too. I have the honour to be,
+
+  "_My Lord,
+  Your Lordship's most obedient,
+  and most devoted,
+  and most humble servant_,
+
+  TRISTRAM SHANDY."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+I solemnly declare to all mankind, that the above dedication was made
+for no one Prince, Prelate, Pope, or Potentate, --Duke, Marquis, Earl,
+Viscount, or Baron, of this, or any other Realm in Christendom; ----nor
+has it yet been hawked about, or offered publicly or privately, directly
+or indirectly, to any one person or personage, great or small; but is
+honestly a true Virgin-Dedication untried on, upon any soul living.
+
+I labour this point so particularly, merely to remove any offence or
+objection which might arise against it from the manner in which I
+propose to make the most of it; --which is the putting it up fairly to
+public sale; which I now do.
+
+----Every author has a way of his own in bringing his points to bear;
+--for my own part, as I hate chaffering and higgling for a few guineas
+in a dark entry; --I resolved within myself, from the very beginning, to
+deal squarely and openly with your Great Folks in this affair, and try
+whether I should not come off the better by it.
+
+If therefore there is any one Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, or Baron,
+in these his Majesty's dominions, who stands in need of a tight, genteel
+dedication, and whom the above will suit, (for by the bye, unless it
+suits in some degree, I will not part with it)----it is much at his
+service for fifty guineas; ----which I am positive is twenty guineas
+less than it ought to be afforded for, by any man of genius.
+
+My Lord, if you examine it over again, it is far from being a gross
+piece of daubing, as some dedications are. The design, your Lordship
+sees, is good, --the colouring transparent, --the drawing not amiss;
+--or to speak more like a man of science, --and measure my piece in the
+painter's scale, divided into 20, --I believe, my Lord, the outlines
+will turn out as 12, --the composition as 9, --the colouring as 6, --the
+expression 13 and a half, --and the design, --if I may be allowed, my
+Lord, to understand my own _design_, and supposing absolute perfection
+in designing, to be as 20, --I think it cannot well fall short of 19.
+Besides all this, --there is keeping in it, and the dark strokes in the
+HOBBY-HORSE, (which is a secondary figure, and a kind of back-ground to
+the whole) give great force to the principal lights in your own figure,
+and make it come off wonderfully; ----and besides, there is an air of
+originality in the _tout ensemble_.
+
+Be pleased, my good Lord, to order the sum to be paid into the hands of
+Mr. _Dodsley_, for the benefit of the author; and in the next edition
+care shall be taken that this chapter be expunged, and your Lordship's
+titles, distinctions, arms, and good actions, be placed at the front of
+the preceding chapter: All which, from the words, _De gustibus non est
+disputandum_, and whatever else in this book relates to HOBBY-HORSES,
+but no more, shall stand dedicated to your Lordship. --The rest I
+dedicate to the MOON, who, by the bye, of all the PATRONS or MATRONS I
+can think of, has most power to set my book a-going, and make the world
+run mad after it.
+
+
+_Bright Goddess_,
+
+If thou art not too busy with CANDID and Miss CUNEGUND'S affairs, --take
+_Tristram Shandy's_ under thy protection also.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+Whatever degree of small merit the act of benignity in favour of the
+midwife might justly claim, or in whom that claim truly rested, --at
+first sight seems not very material to this history; ----certain however
+it was, that the gentlewoman, the parson's wife, did run away at that
+time with the whole of it: And yet, for my life, I cannot help thinking
+but that the parson himself, though he had not the good fortune to hit
+upon the design first, --yet, as he heartily concurred in it the moment
+it was laid before him, and as heartily parted with his money to carry
+it into execution, had a claim to some share of it, --if not to a full
+half of whatever honour was due to it.
+
+The world at that time was pleased to determine the matter otherwise.
+
+Lay down the book, and I will allow you half a day to give a probable
+guess at the grounds of this procedure.
+
+Be it known then, that, for about five years before the date of the
+midwife's licence, of which you have had so circumstantial an account,
+--the parson we have to do with had made himself a country-talk by a
+breach of all decorum, which he had committed against himself, his
+station, and his office; --and that was in never appearing better, or
+otherwise mounted, than upon a lean, sorry, jack-ass of a horse, value
+about one pound fifteen shillings; who, to shorten all description of
+him, was full brother to _Rosinante_, as far as similitude congenial
+could make him; for he answered his description to a hair-breadth in
+every thing, --except that I do not remember 'tis any where said, that
+_Rosinante_ was broken-winded; and that, moreover, _Rosinante_, as is
+the happiness of most _Spanish_ horses, fat or lean, --was undoubtedly a
+horse at all points.
+
+I know very well that the HERO'S horse was a horse of chaste deportment,
+which may have given grounds for the contrary opinion: But it is as
+certain at the same time, that _Rosinante's_ continency (as may be
+demonstrated from the adventure of the _Yanguesian_ carriers) proceeded
+from no bodily defect or cause whatsoever, but from the temperance and
+orderly current of his blood. --And let me tell you, Madam, there is a
+great deal of very good chastity in the world, in behalf of which you
+could not say more for your life.
+
+Let that be as it may, as my purpose is to do extra justice to every
+creature brought upon the stage of this dramatic work, --I could not
+stifle this distinction in favour of Don _Quixote's_ horse; ----in all
+other points, the parson's horse, I say, was just such another, --for he
+was as lean, and as lank, and as sorry a jade, as HUMILITY herself could
+have bestrided.
+
+In the estimation of here and there a man of weak judgment, it was
+greatly in the parson's power to have helped the figure of this horse of
+his, --for he was master of a very handsome demi-peak'd saddle, quilted
+on the seat with green plush, garnished with a double row of
+silver-headed studs, and a noble pair of shining brass stirrups, with a
+housing altogether suitable, of grey superfine cloth, with an edging of
+black lace, terminating in a deep, black, silk fringe, _poudré d'or_,
+--all which he had purchased in the pride and prime of his life,
+together with a grand embossed bridle, ornamented at all points as it
+should be. ----But not caring to banter his beast, he had hung all these
+up behind his study door: --and, in lieu of them, had seriously befitted
+him with just such a bridle and such a saddle, as the figure and value
+of such a steed might well and truly deserve.
+
+In the several sallies about his parish, and in the neighbouring visits
+to the gentry who lived around him, --you will easily comprehend, that
+the parson, so appointed, would both hear and see enough to keep his
+philosophy from rusting. To speak the truth, he never could enter a
+village, but he caught the attention of both old and young. ----Labour
+stood still as he pass'd----the bucket hung suspended in the middle of
+the well, ----the spinning-wheel forgot its round, ----even
+chuck-farthing and shuffle-cap themselves stood gaping till he had got
+out of sight; and as his movement was not of the quickest, he had
+generally time enough upon his hands to make his observations, --to hear
+the groans of the serious, --and the laughter of the light-hearted;
+--all which he bore with excellent tranquillity. --His character was,
+--he loved a jest in his heart--and as he saw himself in the true point
+of ridicule, he would say he could not be angry with others for seeing
+him in a light, in which he so strongly saw himself: So that to his
+friends, who knew his foible was not the love of money, and who
+therefore made the less scruple in bantering the extravagance of his
+humour, --instead of giving the true cause, --he chose rather to join in
+the laugh against himself; and as he never carried one single ounce of
+flesh upon his own bones, being altogether as spare a figure as his
+beast, --he would sometimes insist upon it, that the horse was as good
+as the rider deserved; --that they were, centaur-like, --both of a
+piece. At other times, and in other moods, when his spirits were above
+the temptation of false wit, --he would say, he found himself going off
+fast in a consumption; and, with great gravity, would pretend, he could
+not bear the sight of a fat horse, without a dejection of heart, and a
+sensible alteration in his pulse; and that he had made choice of the
+lean one he rode upon, not only to keep himself in countenance, but in
+spirits.
+
+At different times he would give fifty humorous and apposite reasons for
+riding a meek-spirited jade of a broken-winded horse, preferably to one
+of mettle; --for on such a one he could sit mechanically, and meditate
+as delightfully _de vanitate mundi et fugâ sćculi_, as with the
+advantage of a death's-head before him; --that, in all other
+exercitations, he could spend his time, as he rode slowly along, --to as
+much account as in his study; --that he could draw up an argument in his
+sermon, --or a hole in his breeches, as steadily on the one as in the
+other; --that brisk trotting and slow argumentation, like wit and
+judgment, were two incompatible movements. --But that upon his steed--he
+could unite and reconcile every thing, --he could compose his sermon--he
+could compose his cough, ----and, in case nature gave a call that way,
+he could likewise compose himself to sleep. --In short, the parson upon
+such encounters would assign any cause but the true cause, --and he
+with-held the true one, only out of a nicety of temper, because he
+thought it did honour to him.
+
+But the truth of the story was as follows: In the first years of this
+gentleman's life, and about the time when the superb saddle and bridle
+were purchased by him, it had been his manner, or vanity, or call it
+what you will, --to run into the opposite extreme. --In the language of
+the county where he dwelt, he was said to have loved a good horse, and
+generally had one of the best in the whole parish standing in his stable
+always ready for saddling; and as the nearest midwife, as I told you,
+did not live nearer to the village than seven miles, and in a vile
+country, --it so fell out that the poor gentleman was scarce a whole
+week together without some piteous application for his beast; and as he
+was not an unkind-hearted man, and every case was more pressing and more
+distressful than the last, --as much as he loved his beast, he had never
+a heart to refuse him; the upshot of which was generally this, that his
+horse was either clapp'd, or spavin'd, or greaz'd; --or he was
+twitter-bon'd, or broken-winded, or something, in short, or other had
+befallen him, which would let him carry no flesh; --so that he had every
+nine or ten months a bad horse to get rid of, --and a good horse to
+purchase in his stead.
+
+What the loss on such a balance might amount to, _communibus annis_, I
+would leave to a special jury of sufferers in the same traffick, to
+determine; --but let it be what it would, the honest gentleman bore it
+for many years without a murmur, till at length, by repeated ill
+accidents of the kind, he found it necessary to take the thing under
+consideration; and upon weighing the whole, and summing it up in his
+mind, he found it not only disproportioned to his other expences, but
+withal so heavy an article in itself, as to disable him from any other
+act of generosity in his parish: Besides this, he considered that with
+half the sum thus galloped away, he could do ten times as much good;
+--and what still weighed more with him than all other considerations put
+together, was this, that it confined all his charity into one particular
+channel, and where, as he fancied, it was the least wanted, namely, to
+the child-bearing and child-getting part of his parish; reserving
+nothing for the impotent, --nothing for the aged, --nothing for the many
+comfortless scenes he was hourly called forth to visit, where poverty,
+and sickness, and affliction dwelt together.
+
+For these reasons he resolved to discontinue the expence; and there
+appeared but two possible ways to extricate him clearly out of it; --and
+these were, either to make it an irrevocable law never more to lend his
+steed upon any application whatever, --or else be content to ride the
+last poor devil, such as they had made him, with all his aches and
+infirmities, to the very end of the chapter.
+
+As he dreaded his own constancy in the first--he very chearfully betook
+himself to the second; and though he could very well have explained it,
+as I said, to his honour, --yet, for that very reason, he had a spirit
+above it; choosing rather to bear the contempt of his enemies, and the
+laughter of his friends, than undergo the pain of telling a story, which
+might seem a panegyrick upon himself.
+
+I have the highest idea of the spiritual and refined sentiments of this
+reverend gentleman, from this single stroke in his character, which I
+think comes up to any of the honest refinements of the peerless knight
+of _La Mancha_, whom, by the bye, with all his follies, I love more, and
+would actually have gone farther to have paid a visit to, than the
+greatest hero of antiquity.
+
+But this is not the moral of my story: The thing I had in view was to
+shew the temper of the world in the whole of this affair. --For you must
+know, that so long as this explanation would have done the parson
+credit, --the devil a soul could find it out, --I suppose his enemies
+would not, and that his friends could not. ----But no sooner did he
+bestir himself in behalf of the midwife, and pay the expences of the
+ordinary's licence to set her up, --but the whole secret came out; every
+horse he had lost, and two horses more than ever he had lost, with all
+the circumstances of their destruction, were known and distinctly
+remembered. --The story ran like wild-fire-- "The parson had a returning
+fit of pride which had just seized him; and he was going to be well
+mounted once again in his life; and if it was so, 'twas plain as the sun
+at noon-day, he would pocket the expence of the licence, ten times told,
+the very first year: --So that every body was left to judge what were
+his views in this act of charity."
+
+What were his views in this, and in every other action of his life, --or
+rather what were the opinions which floated in the brains of other
+people concerning it, was a thought which too much floated in his own,
+and too often broke in upon his rest, when he should have been sound
+asleep.
+
+About ten years ago this gentleman had the good fortune to be made
+entirely easy upon that score, --it being just so long since he left his
+parish, --and the whole world at the same time behind him, --and stands
+accountable to a Judge of whom he will have no cause to complain.
+
+But there is a fatality attends the actions of some men: Order them as
+they will, they pass thro' a certain medium, which so twists and
+refracts them from their true directions----that, with all the titles to
+praise which a rectitude of heart can give, the doers of them are
+nevertheless forced to live and die without it.
+
+Of the truth of which, this gentleman was a painful example. ----But to
+know by what means this came to pass, --and to make that knowledge of
+use to you, I insist upon it that you read the two following chapters,
+which contain such a sketch of his life and conversation, as will carry
+its moral along with it. --When this is done, if nothing stops us in our
+way, we will go on with the midwife.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+Yorick was this parson's name, and, what is very remarkable in it
+(as appears from a most ancient account of the family, wrote upon strong
+vellum, and now in perfect preservation) it had been exactly so spelt
+for near, ----I was within an ace of saying nine hundred years; ----but
+I would not shake my credit in telling an improbable truth, however
+indisputable in itself; ----and therefore I shall content myself with
+only saying ----It had been exactly so spelt, without the least variation
+or transposition of a single letter, for I do not know how long; which
+is more than I would venture to say of one half of the best surnames in
+the kingdom; which, in a course of years, have generally undergone as
+many chops and changes as their owners. --Has this been owing to the
+pride, or to the shame of the respective proprietors? --In honest truth,
+I think sometimes to the one, and sometimes to the other, just as the
+temptation has wrought. But a villainous affair it is, and will one day
+so blend and confound us altogether, that no one shall be able to stand
+up and swear, "That his own great grandfather was the man who did either
+this or that."
+
+This evil had been sufficiently fenced against by the prudent care of
+the _Yorick's_ family, and their religious preservation of these records
+I quote, which do farther inform us, That the family was originally of
+_Danish_ extraction, and had been transplanted into _England_ as early
+as in the reign of _Horwendillus_, king of _Denmark_, in whose court, it
+seems, an ancestor of this Mr. _Yorick's_, and from whom he was lineally
+descended, held a considerable post to the day of his death. Of what
+nature this considerable post was, this record saith not; --It only
+adds, That, for near two centuries, it had been totally abolished, as
+altogether unnecessary, not only in that court, but in every other court
+of the Christian world.
+
+It has often come into my head, that this post could be no other than
+that of the king's chief Jester; --and that _Hamlet's Yorick_, in our
+_Shakespeare_, many of whose plays, you know, are founded upon
+authenticated facts, was certainly the very man.
+
+I have not the time to look into _Saxo-Grammaticus's Danish_ history, to
+know the certainty of this; --but if you have leisure, and can easily
+get at the book, you may do it full as well yourself.
+
+I had just time, in my travels through _Denmark_ with Mr. _Noddy's_
+eldest son, whom, in the year 1741, I accompanied as governor, riding
+along with him at a prodigious rate thro' most parts of _Europe_, and of
+which original journey performed by us two, a most delectable narrative
+will be given in the progress of this work; I had just time, I say, and
+that was all, to prove the truth of an observation made by a long
+sojourner in that country; ----namely, "That nature was neither very
+lavish, nor was she very stingy in her gifts of genius and capacity to
+its inhabitants; --but, like a discreet parent, was moderately kind to
+them all; observing such an equal tenor in the distribution of her
+favours, as to bring them, in those points, pretty near to a level with
+each other; so that you will meet with few instances in that kingdom of
+refined parts; but a great deal of good plain household understanding
+amongst all ranks of people, of which everybody has a share;" which is,
+I think, very right.
+
+With us, you see, the case is quite different: --we are all ups and
+downs in this matter; --you are a great genius; --or 'tis fifty to one,
+Sir, you are a great dunce and a blockhead; --not that there is a total
+want of intermediate steps, --no, --we are not so irregular as that
+comes to; --but the two extremes are more common, and in a greater
+degree in this unsettled island, where nature, in her gifts and
+dispositions of this kind, is most whimsical and capricious; fortune
+herself not being more so in the bequest of her goods and chattels than
+she.
+
+This is all that ever staggered my faith in regard to _Yorick's_
+extraction, who, by what I can remember of him, and by all the accounts
+I could ever get of him, seemed not to have had one single drop of
+_Danish_ blood in his whole crasis; in nine hundred years, it might
+possibly have all run out: ----I will not philosophize one moment with
+you about it; for happen how it would, the fact was this: --That instead
+of that cold phlegm and exact regularity of sense and humours, you would
+have looked for, in one so extracted; --he was, on the contrary, as
+mercurial and sublimated a composition, --as heteroclite a creature in
+all his declensions; --with as much life and whim, and _gaité de coeur_
+about him, as the kindliest climate could have engendered and put
+together. With all this sail, poor _Yorick_ carried not one ounce of
+ballast; he was utterly unpractised in the world; and, at the age of
+twenty-six, knew just about as well how to steer his course in it, as a
+romping, unsuspicious girl of thirteen: So that upon his first setting
+out, the brisk gale of his spirits, as you will imagine, ran him foul
+ten times in a day of somebody's tackling; and as the grave and more
+slow-paced were oftenest in his way, ----you may likewise imagine, 'twas
+with such he had generally the ill luck to get the most entangled. For
+aught I know there might be some mixture of unlucky wit at the bottom of
+such _Fracas_: ----For, to speak the truth, _Yorick_ had an invincible
+dislike and opposition in his nature to gravity; --not to gravity as
+such; --for where gravity was wanted, he would be the most grave or
+serious of mortal men for days and weeks together; --but he was an enemy
+to the affectation of it, and declared open war against it, only as it
+appeared a cloak for ignorance, or for folly: and then, whenever it fell
+in his way, however sheltered and protected, he seldom gave it much
+quarter.
+
+Sometimes, in his wild way of talking, he would say that Gravity was an
+errant scoundrel, and he would add, --of the most dangerous kind too,
+--because a sly one; and that he verily believed, more honest,
+well-meaning people were bubbled out of their goods and money by it in
+one twelve-month, than by pocket-picking and shop-lifting in seven. In
+the naked temper which a merry heart discovered, he would say, there was
+no danger, --but to itself: --whereas the very essence of gravity was
+design, and consequently deceit; --'twas a taught trick to gain credit
+of the world for more sense and knowledge than a man was worth; and
+that, with all its pretensions, --it was no better, but often worse,
+than what a _French_ wit had long ago defined it, --_viz._ _A mysterious
+carriage of the body to cover the defects of the mind_; --which
+definition of gravity, _Yorick_, with great imprudence, would say,
+deserved to be wrote in letters of gold.
+
+But, in plain truth, he was a man unhackneyed and unpractised in the
+world, and was altogether as indiscreet and foolish on every other
+subject of discourse where policy is wont to impress restraint. _Yorick_
+had no impression but one, and that was what arose from the nature of
+the deed spoken of; which impression he would usually translate into
+plain _English_ without any periphrasis; --and too oft without much
+distinction of either person, time, or place; --so that when mention was
+made of a pitiful or an ungenerous proceeding----he never gave himself a
+moment's time to reflect who was the hero of the piece, ----what his
+station, ----or how far he had power to hurt him hereafter; ----but if
+it was a dirty action, --without more ado, --The man was a dirty fellow,
+--and so on. --And as his comments had usually the ill fate to be
+terminated either in a _bon mot_, or to be enlivened throughout with
+some drollery or humour of expression, it gave wings to _Yorick's_
+indiscretion. In a word, tho' he never sought, yet, at the same time, as
+he seldom shunned occasions of saying what came uppermost, and without
+much ceremony; ----he had but too many temptations in life, of
+scattering his wit and his humour, --his gibes and his jests about him.
+----They were not lost for want of gathering.
+
+What were the consequences, and what was _Yorick's_ catastrophe
+thereupon, you will read in the next chapter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+The _Mortgager_ and _Mortgagée_ differ the one from the other, not more
+in length of purse, than the _Jester_ and _Jestée_ do, in that of
+memory. But in this the comparison between them runs, as the scholiasts
+call it, upon all-four; which, by the bye, is upon one or two legs more
+than some of the best of _Homer's_ can pretend to; --namely, That the
+one raises a sum, and the other a laugh at your expence, and thinks no
+more about it. Interest, however, still runs on in both cases; --the
+periodical or accidental payments of it, just serving to keep the memory
+of the affair alive; till, at length, in some evil hour, --pop comes the
+creditor upon each, and by demanding principal upon the spot, together
+with full interest to the very day, makes them both feel the full extent
+of their obligations.
+
+As the reader (for I hate your _ifs_) has a thorough knowledge of human
+nature, I need not say more to satisfy him, that my HERO could not go on
+at this rate without some slight experience of these incidental
+mementos. To speak the truth, he had wantonly involved himself in a
+multitude of small book-debts of this stamp, which, notwithstanding
+_Eugenius's_ frequent advice, he too much disregarded; thinking, that as
+not one of them was contracted thro' any malignancy; --but, on the
+contrary, from an honesty of mind, and a mere jocundity of humour, they
+would all of them be cross'd out in course.
+
+_Eugenius_ would never admit this; and would often tell him, that one
+day or other he would certainly be reckoned with; and he would often
+add, in an accent of sorrowful apprehension, --to the uttermost mite. To
+which _Yorick_, with his usual carelessness of heart, would as often
+answer with a pshaw! --and if the subject was started in the
+fields--with a hop, skip, and a jump at the end of it; but if close pent
+up in the social chimney-corner, where the culprit was barricado'd in,
+with a table and a couple of armchairs, and could not so readily fly off
+in a tangent, --_Eugenius_ would then go on with his lecture upon
+discretion in words to this purpose, though somewhat better put
+together.
+
+Trust me, dear _Yorick_, this unwary pleasantry of thine will sooner or
+later bring thee into scrapes and difficulties, which no after-wit can
+extricate thee out of. ----In these sallies, too oft, I see, it happens,
+that a person laughed at, considers himself in the light of a person
+injured, with all the rights of such a situation belonging to him; and
+when thou viewest him in that light too, and reckons up his friends, his
+family, his kindred and allies, ----and musters up with them the many
+recruits which will list under him from a sense of common danger;
+----'tis no extravagant arithmetick to say, that for every ten jokes,
+--thou hast got an hundred enemies; and till thou hast gone on, and
+raised a swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by
+them, thou wilt never be convinced it is so.
+
+I cannot suspect it in the man whom I esteem, that there is the least
+spur from spleen or malevolence of intent in these sallies ----I believe
+and know them to be truly honest and sportive: --But consider, my dear
+lad, that fools cannot distinguish this, --and that knaves will not: and
+thou knowest not what it is, either to provoke the one, or to make merry
+with the other: ----whenever they associate for mutual defence, depend
+upon it, they will carry on the war in such a manner against thee, my
+dear friend, as to make thee heartily sick of it, and of thy life too.
+
+Revenge from some baneful corner shall level a tale of dishonour at
+thee, which no innocence of heart or integrity of conduct shall set
+right. ----The fortunes of thy house shall totter, --thy character,
+which led the way to them, shall bleed on every side of it, --thy faith
+questioned, --thy works belied, --thy wit forgotten, --thy learning
+trampled on. To wind up the last scene of thy tragedy, CRUELTY and
+COWARDICE, twin ruffians, hired and set on by MALICE in the dark, shall
+strike together at all thy infirmities and mistakes: ----The best of us,
+my dear lad, lie open there, ----and trust me, ----trust me, _Yorick,
+when to gratify a private appetite, it is once resolved upon, that an
+innocent and an helpless creature shall be sacrificed, 'tis an easy
+matter to pick up sticks enough from any thicket where it has strayed,
+to make a fire to offer it up with_.
+
+_Yorick_ scarce ever heard this sad vaticination of his destiny read
+over to him, but with a fear stealing from his eye, and a promissory
+look attending it, that he was resolved, for the time to come, to ride
+his tit with more sobriety. --But, alas, too late! --a grand
+confederacy, with ***** and ***** at the head of it, was formed before
+the first prediction of it. --The whole plan of the attack, just as
+_Eugenius_ had foreboded, was put in execution all at once, --with so
+little mercy on the side of the allies, --and so little suspicion in
+_Yorick_, of what was carrying on against him, --that when he thought,
+good easy man! full surely preferment was o' ripening, --they had smote
+his root, and then he fell, as many a worthy man had fallen before him.
+
+_Yorick_, however, fought it out with all imaginable gallantry for some
+time; till, overpowered by numbers, and worn out at length by the
+calamities of the war, --but more so, by the ungenerous manner in which
+it was carried on, --he threw down the sword; and though he kept up his
+spirits in appearance to the last, he died, nevertheless, as was
+generally thought, quite broken-hearted.
+
+What inclined _Eugenius_ to the same opinion was as follows:
+
+A few hours before _Yorick_ breathed his last, _Eugenius_ stept in with
+an intent to take his last sight and last farewell of him. Upon his
+drawing _Yorick's_ curtain, and asking how he felt himself, _Yorick_
+looking up in his face took hold of his hand, --and after thanking him
+for the many tokens of his friendship to him, for which, he said, if it
+was their fate to meet hereafter, --he would thank him again and again,
+--he told him, he was within a few hours of giving his enemies the slip
+for ever. --I hope not, answered _Eugenius_, with tears trickling down
+his cheeks, and with the tenderest tone that ever man spoke. --I hope
+not, _Yorick_, said he. ----_Yorick_ replied, with a look up, and a
+gentle squeeze of _Eugenius's_ hand, and that was all, --but it cut
+_Eugenius_ to his heart, --Come--come, _Yorick_, quoth _Eugenius_,
+wiping his eyes, and summoning up the man within him, --my dear lad, be
+comforted, --let not all thy spirits and fortitude forsake thee at this
+crisis when thou most wants them; ----who knows what resources are in
+store, and what the power of God may yet do for thee? ----_Yorick_ laid
+his hand upon his heart, and gently shook his head; --For my part,
+continued _Eugenius_, crying bitterly as he uttered the words, --I
+declare I know not, _Yorick_, how to part with thee, and would gladly
+flatter my hopes, added _Eugenius_, chearing up his voice, that there is
+still enough left of thee to make a bishop, and that I may live to see
+it. ----I beseech thee, _Eugenius_, quoth _Yorick_, taking off his
+night-cap as well as he could with his left hand, ----his right being
+still grasped close in that of _Eugenius_, ----I beseech thee to take a
+view of my head. --I see nothing that ails it, replied _Eugenius_. Then,
+alas! my friend, said _Yorick_, let me tell you, that 'tis so bruised
+and mis-shapened with the blows which ***** and *****, and some others
+have so unhandsomely given me, in the dark, that I might say with
+_Sancho Pança_, that should I recover, and "Mitres thereupon be suffered
+to rain down from heaven as thick as hail, not one of them would fit
+it." ----_Yorick's_ last breath was hanging upon his trembling lips
+ready to depart as he uttered this: ----yet still it was uttered with
+something of a _Cervantick_ tone; ----and as he spoke it, _Eugenius_
+could perceive a stream of lambent fire lighted up for a moment in his
+eyes; ----faint picture of those flashes of his spirit, which
+(as _Shakespeare_ said of his ancestor) were wont to set the table in a
+roar!
+
+_Eugenius_ was convinced from this, that the heart of his friend was
+broke: he squeezed his hand, ----and then walked softly out of the room,
+weeping as he walked. _Yorick_ followed _Eugenius_ with his eyes to the
+door, --he then closed them, --and never opened them more.
+
+  [Illustration (full-page black tombstone)]
+
+He lies buried in the corner of his churchyard, in the parish of ------,
+under a plain marble slab, which his friend _Eugenius_, by leave of his
+executors, laid upon his grave, with no more than these three words of
+inscription, serving both for his epitaph and elegy.
+   ____________________
+  |                    |
+  | Alas, poor YORICK! |
+  |____________________|
+
+Ten times a day has _Yorick's_ ghost the consolation to hear his
+monumental inscription read over with such a variety of plaintive tones,
+as denote a general pity and esteem for him; ----a foot-way crossing the
+churchyard close by the side of his grave, --not a passenger goes by
+without stopping to cast a look upon it, --and sighing as he walks on,
+
+  Alas, poor YORICK!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+It is so long since the reader of this rhapsodical work has been parted
+from the midwife, that it is high time to mention her again to him,
+merely to put him in mind that there is such a body still in the world,
+and whom, upon the best judgment I can form upon my own plan at present,
+--I am going to introduce to him for good and all: But as fresh matter
+may be started, and much unexpected business fall out betwixt the reader
+and myself, which may require immediate dispatch; ----'twas right to
+take care that the poor woman should not be lost in the meantime;
+--because when she is wanted, we can no way do without her.
+
+I think I told you that this good woman was a person of no small note
+and consequence throughout our whole village and township; --that her
+fame had spread itself to the very out-edge and circumference of that
+circle of importance, of which kind every soul living, whether he has a
+shirt to his back or no, ----has one surrounding him; --which said
+circle, by the way, whenever 'tis said that such a one is of great
+weight and importance in the _world_, ----I desire may be enlarged or
+contracted in your worship's fancy, in a compound ratio of the station,
+profession, knowledge, abilities, height and depth (measuring both ways)
+of the personage brought before you.
+
+In the present case, if I remember, I fixed it about four or five miles,
+which not only comprehended the whole parish, but extended itself to two
+or three of the adjacent hamlets in the skirts of the next parish; which
+made a considerable thing of it. I must add, That she was, moreover,
+very well looked on at one large grange-house, and some other odd houses
+and farms within two or three miles, as I said, from the smoke of her
+own chimney: ----But I must here, once for all, inform you, that all
+this will be more exactly delineated and explain'd in a map, now in the
+hands of the engraver, which, with many other pieces and developements
+of this work, will be added to the end of the twentieth volume, --not to
+swell the work, --I detest the thought of such a thing; --but by way of
+commentary, scholium, illustration, and key to such passages, incidents,
+or innuendos as shall be thought to be either of private interpretation,
+or of dark or doubtful meaning, after my life and my opinions shall have
+been read over (now don't forget the meaning of the word) by all the
+_world_; ----which, betwixt you and me, and in spite of all the
+gentlemen-reviewers in _Great Britain_, and of all that their worships
+shall undertake to write or say to the contrary, --I am determined shall
+be the case. --I need not tell your worship, that all this is spoke in
+confidence.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+Upon looking into my mother's marriage-settlement, in order to satisfy
+myself and reader in a point necessary to be cleared up, before we could
+proceed any farther in this history; --I had the good fortune to pop
+upon the very thing I wanted before I had read a day and a half straight
+forwards, --it might have taken me up a month; --which shews plainly,
+that when a man sits down to write a history, --tho' it be but the
+history of _Jack Hickathrift_ or _Tom Thumb_, he knows no more than his
+heels what lets and confounded hindrances he is to meet with in his way,
+--or what a dance he may be led, by one excursion or another, before all
+is over. Could a historiographer drive on his history, as a muleteer
+drives on his mule, --straight forward; ----for instance, from _Rome_
+all the way to _Loretto_, without ever once turning his head aside
+either to the right hand or to the left, ----he might venture to
+foretell you to an hour when he should get to his journey's end; ----but
+the thing is, morally speaking, impossible: For, if he is a man of the
+least spirit, he will have fifty deviations from a straight line to make
+with this or that party as he goes along, which he can no ways avoid. He
+will have views and prospects to himself perpetually soliciting his eye,
+which he can no more help standing still to look at than he can fly; he
+will moreover have various
+
+Accounts to reconcile:
+
+Anecdotes to pick up:
+
+Inscriptions to make out:
+
+Stories to weave in:
+
+Traditions to sift:
+
+Personages to call upon:
+
+Panegyricks to paste up at this door;
+
+Pasquinades at that: ----All which both the man and his mule are quite
+exempt from. To sum up all; there are archives at every stage to be
+look'd into, and rolls, records, documents, and endless genealogies,
+which justice ever and anon calls him back to stay the reading of:
+----In short, there is no end of it; ----for my own part, I declare I
+had been at it these six weeks, making all the speed I possibly could,
+--and am not yet born: --I have just been able, and that's all, to tell
+you _when_ it happen'd, but not _how_; --so that you see the thing is
+yet far from being accomplished.
+
+These unforeseen stoppages, which I own I had no conception of when I
+first set out; --but which, I am convinced now, will rather increase
+than diminish as I advance, --have struck out a hint which I am resolved
+to follow; ----and that is, --not to be in a hurry; but to go on
+leisurely, writing and publishing two volumes of my life every year;
+----which, if I am suffered to go on quietly, and can make a tolerable
+bargain with my bookseller, I shall continue to do as long as I live.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+The article in my mother's marriage-settlement, which I told the reader
+I was at the pains to search for, and which, now that I have found it,
+I think proper to lay before him, --is so much more fully express'd in
+the deed itself, than ever I can pretend to do it, that it would be
+barbarity to take it out of the lawyer's hand: --It is as follows.
+
+"#And this Indenture further witnesseth#, That the said _Walter Shandy_,
+merchant, in consideration of the said intended marriage to be had, and,
+by God's blessing, to be well and truly solemnised and consummated
+between the said _Walter Shandy_ and _Elizabeth Mollineux_ aforesaid,
+and divers other good and valuable causes and considerations him
+thereunto specially moving, --doth grant, covenant, condescend, consent,
+conclude, bargain, and fully agree to and with _John Dixon_, and _James
+Turner_, Esqrs. the above-named Trustees, _&c. &c._--#to Wit#, --That in
+case it should hereafter so fall out, chance, happen, or otherwise come
+to pass, --That the said _Walter Shandy_, merchant, shall have left off
+business before the time or times, that the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_
+shall, according to the course of nature, or otherwise, have left off
+bearing and bringing forth children; --and that, in consequence of the
+said _Walter Shandy_ having so left off business, he shall in despight,
+and against the free-will, consent, and good-liking of the said
+_Elizabeth Mollineux_, --make a departure from the city of _London_, in
+order to retire to, and dwell upon, his estate at _Shandy Hall_, in the
+county of ----, or at any other country-seat, castle, hall,
+mansion-house, messuage or grainge-house, now purchased, or hereafter to
+be purchased, or upon any part or parcel thereof: --That then, and as
+often as the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_ shall happen to be enceint with
+child or children severally and lawfully begot, or to be begotten, upon
+the body of the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, during her said coverture,
+--he the said _Walter Shandy_ shall, at his own proper cost and charges,
+and out of his own proper monies, upon good and reasonable notice, which
+is hereby agreed to be within six weeks of her the said _Elizabeth
+Mollineux's_ full reckoning, or time of supposed and computed delivery,
+--pay, or cause to be paid, the sum of one hundred and twenty pounds of
+good and lawful money, to _John Dixon_, and _James Turner_, Esqrs. or
+assigns, --upon TRUST and confidence, and for and unto the use and uses,
+intent, end, and purpose following: --#That is to say#, --That the said
+sum of one hundred and twenty pounds shall be paid into the hands of the
+said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, or to be otherwise applied by them the said
+Trustees, for the well and truly hiring of one coach, with able and
+sufficient horses, to carry and convey the body of the said _Elizabeth
+Mollineux_, and the child or children which she shall be then and there
+enceint and pregnant with, --unto the city of _London_; and for the
+further paying and defraying of all other incidental costs, charges, and
+expences whatsoever, --in and about, and for, and relating to, her said
+intended delivery and lying-in, in the said city or suburbs thereof. And
+that the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_ shall and may, from time to time,
+and at all such time and times as are here covenanted and agreed upon,
+--peaceably and quietly hire the said coach and horses, and have free
+ingress, egress, and regress throughout her journey, in and from the
+said coach, according to the tenor, true intent, and meaning of these
+presents, without any let, suit, trouble, disturbance, molestation,
+discharge, hindrance, forfeiture, eviction, vexation, interruption, or
+incumbrance whatsoever. --And that it shall moreover be lawful to and
+for the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, from time to time, and as oft or
+often as she shall well and truly be advanced in her said pregnancy, to
+the time heretofore stipulated and agreed upon, --to live and reside in
+such place or places, and in such family or families, and with such
+relations, friends, and other persons within the said city of _London_,
+as she at her own will and pleasure, notwithstanding her present
+coverture, and as if she was a _femme sole_ and unmarried, --shall think
+fit. --#And this Indenture further Witnesseth#, That for the more
+effectually carrying of the said covenant into execution, the said
+_Walter Shandy_, merchant, doth hereby grant, bargain, sell, release,
+and confirm unto the said _John Dixon_, and _James Turner_, Esqrs. their
+heirs, executors, and assigns, in their actual possession now being, by
+virtue of an indenture of bargain and sale for a year to them the said
+_John Dickson_, and _James Turner_, Esqrs. by him the said _Walter
+Shandy_, merchant, thereof made; which said bargain and sale for a year,
+bears date the day next before the date of these presents, and by force
+and virtue of the statute for transferring of uses into possession,
+--#All# that the manor and lordship of _Shandy_, in the county of ----,
+with all the rights, members, and appurtenances thereof; and all and
+every the messuages, houses, buildings, barns, stables, orchards,
+gardens, backsides, tofts, crofts, garths, cottages, lands, meadows,
+feedings, pastures, marshes, commons, woods, underwoods, drains,
+fisheries, waters, and water-courses; --together with all rents,
+reversions, services, annuities, fee-farms, knights fees, views of
+frankpledge, escheats, reliefs, mines, quarries, goods and chattels of
+felons and fugitives, felons of themselves, and put in exigent,
+deodands, free warrens, and all other royalties and seigniories, rights
+and jurisdictions, privileges and hereditaments whatsoever. ----#And
+also# the advowson, donation, presentation, and free disposition of the
+rectory or parsonage of _Shandy_ aforesaid, and all and every the
+tenths, tythes, glebe-lands." ----In three words, ----"My mother was to
+lay in, (if she chose it) in _London_."
+
+But in order to put a stop to the practice of any unfair play on the
+part of my mother, which a marriage-article of this nature too
+manifestly opened a door to, and which indeed had never been thought of
+at all, but for my uncle _Toby Shandy_; --a clause was added in security
+of my father, which was this: --"That in case my mother hereafter
+should, at any time, put my father to the trouble and expence of a
+_London_ journey, upon false cries and tokens; ----that for every such
+instance, she should forfeit all the right and title which the covenant
+gave her to the next turn; ----but to no more, --and so on, _toties
+quoties_, in as effectual a manner, as if such a covenant betwixt them
+had not been made." --This, by the way, was no more than what was
+reasonable; --and yet, as reasonable as it was, I have ever thought it
+hard that the whole weight of the article should have fallen entirely,
+as it did, upon myself.
+
+But I was begot and born to misfortunes: --for my poor mother, whether
+it was wind or water--or a compound of both, --or neither; --or whether
+it was simply the mere swell of imagination and fancy in her; --or how
+far a strong wish and desire to have it so, might mislead her judgment:
+--in short, whether she was deceived or deceiving in this matter, it no
+way becomes me to decide. The fact was this, That in the latter end of
+_September_ 1717, which was the year before I was born, my mother having
+carried my father up to town much against the grain, --he peremptorily
+insisted upon the clause; --so that I was doom'd, by marriage-articles,
+to have my nose squeez'd as flat to my face, as if the destinies had
+actually spun me without one.
+
+How this event came about, --and what a train of vexatious
+disappointments, in one stage or other of my life, have pursued me from
+the mere loss, or rather compression, of this one single member, --shall
+be laid before the reader all in due time.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+My father, as anybody may naturally imagine, came down with my mother
+into the country, in but a pettish kind of a humour. The first twenty or
+five-and-twenty miles he did nothing in the world but fret and teaze
+himself, and indeed my mother too, about the cursed expence, which he
+said might every shilling of it have been saved; --then what vexed him
+more than everything else was, the provoking time of the year, --which,
+as I told you, was towards the end of _September_, when his wall-fruit
+and green gages especially, in which he was very curious, were just
+ready for pulling: ----"Had he been whistled up to _London_, upon a _Tom
+Fool's_ errand, in any other month of the whole year, he should not have
+said three words about it."
+
+For the next two whole stages, no subject would go down, but the heavy
+blow he had sustain'd from the loss of a son, whom it seems he had fully
+reckon'd upon in his mind, and register'd down in his pocket-book, as a
+second staff for his old age, in case _Bobby_ should fail him. The
+disappointment of this, he said, was ten times more to a wise man, than
+all the money which the journey, etc., had cost him, put together, --rot
+the hundred and twenty pounds, ----he did not mind it a rush.
+
+From _Stilton_, all the way to _Grantham_, nothing in the whole affair
+provoked him so much as the condolences of his friends, and the foolish
+figure they should both make at church, the first _Sunday_; ----of
+which, in the satirical vehemence of his wit, now sharpen'd a little by
+vexation, he would give so many humorous and provoking descriptions,
+--and place his rib and self in so many tormenting lights and attitudes
+in the face of the whole congregation; --that my mother declared, these
+two stages were so truly tragi-comical, that she did nothing but laugh
+and cry in a breath, from one end to the other of them all the way.
+
+From _Grantham_, till they had cross'd the _Trent_, my father was out of
+all kind of patience at the vile trick and imposition which he fancied
+my mother had put upon him in this affair-- "Certainly," he would say to
+himself, over and over again, "the woman could not be deceived
+herself----if she could, ----what weakness!" --tormenting word! --which
+led his imagination a thorny dance, and, before all was over, play'd the
+duce and all with him; ----for sure as ever the word _weakness_ was
+uttered, and struck full upon his brain--so sure it set him upon running
+divisions upon how many kinds of weaknesses there were; ----that there
+was such a thing as weakness of the body, ----as well as weakness of the
+mind, --and then he would do nothing but syllogize within himself for a
+stage or two together, How far the cause of all these vexations might,
+or might not, have arisen out of himself.
+
+In short, he had so many little subjects of disquietude springing out of
+this one affair, all fretting successively in his mind as they rose up
+in it, that my mother, whatever was her journey up, had but an uneasy
+journey of it down. ----In a word, as she complained to my uncle _Toby_,
+he would have tired out the patience of any flesh alive.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+Though my father travelled homewards, as I told you, in none of the best
+of moods, --pshawing and pishing all the way down, --yet he had the
+complaisance to keep the worst part of the story still to himself;
+--which was the resolution he had taken of doing himself the justice,
+which my uncle _Toby's_ clause in the marriage-settlement empowered him;
+nor was it till the very night in which I was begot, which was thirteen
+months after, that she had the least intimation of his design: when my
+father, happening, as you remember, to be a little chagrin'd and out of
+temper, ----took occasion as they lay chatting gravely in bed
+afterwards, talking over what was to come, ----to let her know that she
+must accommodate herself as well as she could to the bargain made
+between them in their marriage-deeds; which was to lye-in of her next
+child in the country, to balance the last year's journey.
+
+My father was a gentleman of many virtues, --but he had a strong spice
+of that in his temper, which might, or might not, add to the number.
+--'Tis known by the name of perseverance in a good cause, --and of
+obstinacy in a bad one: Of this my mother had so much knowledge, that
+she knew 'twas to no purpose to make any remonstrance, --so she e'en
+resolved to sit down quietly, and make the most of it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+As the point was that night agreed, or rather determined, that my mother
+should lye-in of me in the country, she took her measures accordingly;
+for which purpose, when she was three days, or thereabouts, gone with
+child, she began to cast her eyes upon the midwife, whom you have so
+often heard me mention; and before the week was well got round, as the
+famous Dr. _Manningham_ was not to be had, she had come to a final
+determination in her mind, ----notwithstanding there was a scientific
+operator within so near a call as eight miles of us, and who, moreover,
+had expressly wrote a five shillings book upon the subject of midwifery,
+in which he had exposed, not only the blunders of the sisterhood itself,
+----but had likewise superadded many curious improvements for the
+quicker extraction of the foetus in cross births, and some other cases of
+danger, which belay us in getting into the world; notwithstanding all
+this, my mother, I say, was absolutely determined to trust her life, and
+mine with it, into no soul's hand but this old woman's only. --Now this
+I like; --when we cannot get at the very thing we wish----never to take
+up with the next best in degree to it: --no; that's pitiful beyond
+description; --it is no more than a week from this very day, in which I
+am now writing this book for the edification of the world; --which is
+_March_ 9, 1759, ----that my dear, dear _Jenny_, observing I looked a
+little grave, as she stood cheapening a silk of five-and-twenty
+shillings a yard, --told the mercer, she was sorry she had given him so
+much trouble; --and immediately went and bought herself a yard-wide
+stuff of tenpence a yard. --'Tis the duplication of one and the same
+greatness of soul; only what lessened the honour of it, somewhat, in my
+mother's case, was, that she could not heroine it into so violent and
+hazardous an extreme, as one in her situation might have wished, because
+the old widwife had really some little claim to be depended upon, --as
+much, at least, as success could give her; having, in the course of her
+practice of near twenty years in the parish, brought every mother's son
+of them into the world without any one slip or accident which could
+fairly be laid to her account.
+
+These facts, tho' they had their weight, yet did not altogether satisfy
+some few scruples and uneasinesses which hung upon my father's spirits
+in relation to this choice. --To say nothing of the natural workings of
+humanity and justice--or of the yearnings of parental and connubial
+love, all which prompted him to leave as little to hazard as possible in
+a case of this kind; ----he felt himself concerned in a particular
+manner, that all should go right in the present case; --from the
+accumulated sorrow he lay open to, should any evil betide his wife and
+child in lying-in at _Shandy-Hall_. ----He knew the world judged by
+events, and would add to his afflictions in such a misfortune, by
+loading him with the whole blame of it. ----"Alas, o'day; --had Mrs.
+_Shandy_, poor gentlewoman! had but her wish in going up to town just to
+lye-in and come down again; --which, they say, she begged and prayed for
+upon her bare knees, ----and which, in my opinion, considering the
+fortune which Mr. _Shandy_ got with her, --was no such mighty matter to
+have complied with, the lady and her babe might both of them have been
+alive at this hour."
+
+This exclamation, my father knew, was unanswerable; --and yet, it was
+not merely to shelter himself, --nor was it altogether for the care of
+his offspring and wife that he seemed so extremely anxious about this
+point; --my father had extensive views of things, ----and stood
+moreover, as he thought, deeply concerned in it for the publick good,
+from the dread he entertained of the bad uses an ill-fated instance
+might be put to.
+
+He was very sensible that all political writers upon the subject had
+unanimously agreed and lamented, from the beginning of Queen
+_Elizabeth's_ reign down to his own time, that the current of men and
+money towards the metropolis, upon one frivolous errand or another,
+--set in so strong, --as to become dangerous to our civil rights,
+--though, by the bye, ----a _current_ was not the image he took most
+delight in, --a _distemper_ was here his favourite metaphor, and he
+would run it down into a perfect allegory, by maintaining it was
+identically the same in the body national as in the body natural where
+the blood and spirits were driven up into the head faster than they
+could find their ways down; ----a stoppage of circulation must ensue,
+which was death in both cases.
+
+There was little danger, he would say, of losing our liberties by
+_French_ politicks or _French_ invasions; ----nor was he so much in pain
+of a consumption from the mass of corrupted matter and ulcerated humours
+in our constitution, which he hoped was not so bad as it was imagined;
+--but he verily feared, that in some violent push, we should go off, all
+at once, in a state-apoplexy; --and then he would say, _The Lord have
+mercy upon us all_.
+
+My father was never able to give the history of this distemper,
+--without the remedy along with it.
+
+"Was I an absolute prince," he would say, pulling up his breeches with
+both his hands, as he rose from his arm-chair, "I would appoint able
+judges, at every avenue of my metropolis, who should take cognizance of
+every fool's business who came there; --and if, upon a fair and candid
+hearing, it appeared not of weight sufficient to leave his own home, and
+come up, bag and baggage, with his wife and children, farmer's sons,
+&c., &c., at his backside, they should be all sent back, from constable
+to constable, like vagrants as they were, to the place of their legal
+settlements. By this means I shall take care, that my metropolis
+totter'd not thro' its own weight; --that the head be no longer too big
+for the body; --that the extremes, now wasted and pinn'd in, be restored
+to their due share of nourishment, and regain with it their natural
+strength and beauty: --I would effectually provide, That the meadows and
+corn-fields of my dominions, should laugh and sing; --that good chear
+and hospitality flourish once more; --and that such weight and influence
+be put thereby into the hands of the Squirality of my kingdom, as should
+counterpoise what I perceive my Nobility are now taking from them.
+
+"Why are there so few palaces and gentlemen's seats," he would ask, with
+some emotion, as he walked across the room, "throughout so many
+delicious provinces in _France?_ Whence is it that the few remaining
+_Chateaus_ amongst them are so dismantled, --so unfurnished, and in so
+ruinous and desolate a condition? ----Because, Sir," (he would say) "in
+that kingdom no man has any country-interest to support; --the little
+interest of any kind which any man has anywhere in it, is concentrated
+in the court, and the looks of the Grand Monarch: by the sunshine of
+whose countenance, or the clouds which pass across it, every _French_
+man lives or dies."
+
+Another political reason which prompted my father so strongly to guard
+against the least evil accident in my mother's lying-in in the country,
+----was, That any such instance would infallibly throw a balance of
+power, too great already, into the weaker vessels of the gentry, in his
+own, or higher stations; ----which, with the many other usurped rights
+which that part of the constitution was hourly establishing, --would, in
+the end, prove fatal to the monarchical system of domestick government
+established in the first creation of things by God.
+
+In this point he was entirely of Sir _Robert Filmer's_ opinion, That the
+plans and institutions of the greatest monarchies in the eastern parts
+of the world were, originally, all stolen from that admirable pattern
+and prototype of this household and paternal power; --which, for a
+century, he said, and more, had gradually been degenerating away into a
+mix'd government; ----the form of which, however desirable in great
+combinations of the species, ----was very troublesome in small ones,
+--and seldom produced anything, that he saw, but sorrow and confusion.
+
+For all these reasons, private and publick, put together, --my father
+was for having the man-midwife by all means, --my mother by no means. My
+father begg'd and intreated she would for once recede from her
+prerogative in this matter, and suffer him to choose for her; --my
+mother, on the contrary, insisted upon her privilege in this matter, to
+choose for herself, --and have no mortal's help but the old woman's.
+--What could my father do? He was almost at his wit's end; ----talked it
+over with her in all moods; --placed his arguments in all lights;
+--argued the matter with her like a christian, --like a heathen, --like
+a husband, --like a father, --like a patriot, --like a man: --My mother
+answered everything only like a woman; which was a little hard upon her;
+--for as she could not assume and fight it out behind such a variety of
+characters, --'twas no fair match: --'twas seven to one. --What could my
+mother do? ----She had the advantage (otherwise she had been certainly
+overpowered) of a small reinforcement of chagrin personal at the bottom,
+which bore her up, and enabled her to dispute the affair with my father
+with so equal an advantage, ----that both sides sung _Te Deum_. In a
+word, my mother was to have the old woman, --and the operator was to
+have licence to drink a bottle of wine with my father and my uncle _Toby
+Shandy_ in the back parlour, --for which he was to be paid five guineas.
+
+I must beg leave, before I finish this chapter, to enter a caveat in the
+breast of my fair reader; --and it is this, ----Not to take it
+absolutely for granted, from an unguarded word or two which I have
+dropp'd in it, ----"That I am a married man." --I own, the tender
+appellation of my dear, dear _Jenny_, --with some other strokes of
+conjugal knowledge, interspersed here and there, might, naturally
+enough, have misled the most candid judge in the world into such a
+determination against me. --All I plead for, in this case, Madam, is
+strict justice, and that you do so much of it, to me as well as to
+yourself, --as not to prejudge, or receive such an impression of me,
+till you have better evidence, than, I am positive, at present can be
+produced against me. --Not that I can be so vain or unreasonable, Madam,
+as to desire you should therefore think, that my dear, dear _Jenny_ is
+my kept mistress; --no, --that would be flattering my character in the
+other extreme, and giving it an air of freedom, which, perhaps, it has
+no kind of right to. All I contend for, is the utter impossibility, for
+some volumes, that you, or the most penetrating spirit upon earth,
+should know how this matter really stands. --It is not impossible, but
+that my dear, dear _Jenny!_ tender as the appellation is, may be my
+child. ----Consider, --I was born in the year eighteen. --Nor is there
+anything unnatural or extravagant in the supposition, that my dear
+_Jenny_ may be my friend. --Friend! --My friend. --Surely, Madam,
+a friendship between the two sexes may subsist, and be supported
+without ------Fy! Mr. _Shandy_: --Without anything, Madam, but that
+tender and delicious sentiment, which ever mixes in friendship, where
+there is a difference of sex. Let me intreat you to study the pure and
+sentimental parts of the best _French_ Romances; --it will really,
+Madam, astonish you to see with what a variety of chaste expressions
+this delicious sentiment, which I have the honour to speak of, is
+dress'd out.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+I would sooner undertake to explain the hardest problem in geometry,
+than pretend to account for it, that a gentleman of my father's great
+good sense, ----knowing, as the reader must have observed him, and
+curious too in philosophy, --wise also in political reasoning, --and in
+polemical (as he will find) no way ignorant, --could be capable of
+entertaining a notion in his head, so out of the common track, --that I
+fear the reader, when I come to mention it to him, if he is the least of
+a cholerick temper, will immediately throw the book by; if mercurial, he
+will laugh most heartily at it; --and if he is of a grave and saturnine
+cast, he will, at first sight, absolutely condemn as fanciful and
+extravagant; and that was in respect to the choice and imposition of
+christian names, on which he thought a great deal more depended than
+what superficial minds were capable of conceiving.
+
+His opinion, in this matter, was, That there was a strange kind of
+magick bias, which good or bad names, as he called them, irresistibly
+impressed upon our characters and conduct.
+
+The hero of _Cervantes_ argued not the point with more seriousness,
+----nor had he more faith, ----or more to say on the powers of
+necromancy in dishonouring his deeds, --or on DULCINEA'S name, in
+shedding lustre upon them, than my father had on those of TRISMEGISTUS
+or ARCHIMEDES, on the one hand--or of NYKY and SIMKIN on the other. How
+many CĆSARS and POMPEYS, he would say, by mere inspiration of the names,
+have been rendered worthy of them? And how many, he would add, are
+there, who might have done exceeding well in the world, had not their
+characters and spirits been totally depressed and NICOMEDUS'D into
+nothing?
+
+I see plainly, Sir, by your looks (or as the case happened), my father
+would say--that you do not heartily subscribe to this opinion of mine,
+--which, to those, he would add, who have not carefully sifted it to the
+bottom, --I own has an air more of fancy than of solid reasoning in it;
+----and yet, my dear Sir, if I may presume to know your character, I am
+morally assured, I should hazard little in stating a case to you, --not
+as a party in the dispute, --but as a judge, and trusting my appeal upon
+it to your own good sense and candid disquisition in this matter;
+----you are a person free from as many narrow prejudices of education as
+most men; --and, if I may presume to penetrate farther into you, --of a
+liberality of genius above bearing down an opinion, merely because it
+wants friends. Your son, --your dear son, --from whose sweet and open
+temper you have so much to expect. --Your BILLY, Sir! --would you, for
+the world, have called him JUDAS? --Would you, my dear Sir, he would
+say, laying his hand upon your breast, with the genteelest address,
+--and in that soft and irresistible _piano_ of voice, which the nature
+of the _argumentum ad hominem_ absolutely requires, --Would you, Sir, if
+a _Jew_ of a godfather had proposed the name for your child, and offered
+you his purse along with it, would you have consented to such a
+desecration of him? ----O my God! he would say, looking up, if I know
+your temper right, Sir, --you are incapable of it; ----you would have
+trampled upon the offer; --you would have thrown the temptation at the
+tempter's head with abhorrence.
+
+Your greatness of mind in this action, which I admire, with that
+generous contempt of money, which you shew me in the whole transaction,
+is really noble; --and what renders it more so, is the principle of it;
+--the workings of a parent's love upon the truth and conviction of this
+very hypothesis, namely, That was your son called JUDAS, --the sordid
+and treacherous idea, so inseparable from the name, would have
+accompanied him through life like his shadow, and, in the end, made a
+miser and a rascal of him, in spite, Sir, of your example.
+
+I never knew a man able to answer this argument. ----But, indeed, to
+speak of my father as he was; --he was certainly irresistible; --both in
+his orations and disputations; --he was born an orator;
+--+Theodidaktos.+ --Persuasion hung upon his lips, and the elements of
+Logick and Rhetorick were so blended up in him, --and, withal, he had so
+shrewd a guess at the weaknesses and passions of his respondent,
+----that NATURE might have stood up and said, --"This man is eloquent."
+--In short, whether he was on the weak or the strong side of the
+question, 'twas hazardous in either case to attack him. --And yet, 'tis
+strange, he had never read _Cicero_, nor _Quintilian de Oratore_, nor
+_Isocrates_, nor _Aristotle_, nor _Longinus_ amongst the antients; --nor
+_Vossius_, nor _Skioppius_, nor _Ramus_, nor _Farnaby_ amongst the
+moderns; --and what is more astonishing, he had never in his whole life
+the least light or spark of subtilty struck into his mind, by one single
+lecture upon _Crackenthorp_ or _Burgersdicius_, or any Dutch logician or
+commentator; --he knew not so much as in what the difference of an
+argument _ad ignorantiam_, and an argument _ad hominem_ consisted; so
+that I well remember, when he went up along with me to enter my name at
+_Jesus College_ in ****, --it was a matter of just wonder with my worthy
+tutor, and two or three fellows of that learned society, --that a man
+who knew not so much as the names of his tools, should be able to work
+after that fashion with them.
+
+To work with them in the best manner he could, was what my father was,
+however, perpetually forced upon; ----for he had a thousand little
+sceptical notions of the comick kind to defend----most of which notions,
+I verily believe, at first entered upon the footing of mere whims, and
+of a _vive la Bagatelle_; and as such he would make merry with them for
+half an hour or so, and having sharpened his wit upon them, dismiss them
+till another day.
+
+I mention this, not only as matter of hypothesis or conjecture upon the
+progress and establishment of my father's many odd opinions, --but as a
+warning to the learned reader against the indiscreet reception of such
+guests, who, after a free and undisturbed entrance, for some years, into
+our brains, --at length claim a kind of settlement there, ----working
+sometimes like yeast; --but more generally after the manner of the
+gentle passion, beginning in jest, --but ending in downright earnest.
+
+Whether this was the case of the singularity of my father's notions--or
+that his judgment, at length, became the dupe of his wit; --or how far,
+in many of his notions, he might, though odd, be absolutely right;
+----the reader, as he comes at them, shall decide. All that I maintain
+here, is, that in this one, of the influence of christian names, however
+it gained footing, he was serious; --he was all uniformity; --he was
+systematical, and, like all systematick reasoners, he would move both
+heaven and earth, and twist and torture everything in nature, to support
+his hypothesis. In a word, I repeat it over again; --he was serious;
+--and, in consequence of it, he would lose all kind of patience whenever
+he saw people, especially of condition, who should have known better,
+----as careless and as indifferent about the name they imposed upon
+their child, --or more so, than in the choice of _Ponto_ or _Cupid_ for
+their puppy-dog.
+
+This, he would say, look'd ill; --and had, moreover, this particular
+aggravation in it, viz., That when once a vile name was wrongfully or
+injudiciously given, 'twas not like the case of a man's character,
+which, when wrong'd, might hereafter be cleared; ----and, possibly, some
+time or other, if not in the man's life, at least after his death, --be,
+somehow or other, set to rights with the world: But the injury of this,
+he would say, could never be undone; --nay, he doubted even whether an
+act of parliament could reach it: ----He knew as well as you, that the
+legislature assumed a power over surnames; --but for very strong
+reasons, which he could give, it had never yet adventured, he would say,
+to go a step farther.
+
+It was observable, that tho' my father, in consequence of this opinion,
+had, as I have told you, the strongest likings and dislikings towards
+certain names; --that there were still numbers of names which hung so
+equally in the balance before him, that they were absolutely indifferent
+to him. _Jack_, _Dick_, and _Tom_ were of this class: These my father
+called neutral names; --affirming of them, without a satire, That there
+had been as many knaves and fools, at least, as wise and good men, since
+the world began, who had indifferently borne them; --so that, like equal
+forces acting against each other in contrary directions, he thought they
+mutually destroyed each other's effects; for which reason, he would
+often declare, He would not give a cherry-stone to choose amongst them.
+_Bob_, which was my brother's name, was another of these neutral kinds
+of christian names, which operated very little either way; and as my
+father happen'd to be at _Epsom_, when it was given him, --he would
+oft-times thank Heaven it was no worse. _Andrew_ was something like a
+negative quantity in Algebra with him; --'twas worse, he said, than
+nothing. --_William_ stood pretty high: ----_Numps_ again was low with
+him: --and _Nick_, he said, was the DEVIL.
+
+But, of all the names in the universe, he had the most unconquerable
+aversion for TRISTRAM; --he had the lowest and most contemptible opinion
+of it of anything in the world, --thinking it could possibly produce
+nothing in _rerum naturâ_, but what was extremely mean and pitiful: So
+that in the midst of a dispute on the subject, in which, by the bye, he
+was frequently involved, ----he would sometimes break off in a sudden
+and spirited EPIPHONEMA, or rather EROTESIS, raised a third, and
+sometimes a full fifth above the key of the discourse, ----and demand it
+categorically of his antagonist, Whether he would take upon him to say,
+he had ever remembered, ----whether he had ever read, --or even whether
+he had ever heard tell of a man, called _Tristram_, performing anything
+great or worth recording? --No, --he would say, --TRISTRAM! --The thing
+is impossible.
+
+What could be wanting in my father but to have wrote a book to publish
+this notion of his to the world? Little boots it to the subtle
+speculatist to stand single in his opinions, --unless he gives them
+proper vent: --It was the identical thing which my father did: --for in
+the year sixteen, which was two years before I was born, he was at the
+pains of writing an express DISSERTATION simply upon the word
+_Tristram_, --shewing the world, with great candour and modesty, the
+grounds of his great abhorrence to the name.
+
+When this story is compared with the title-page, --Will not the gentle
+reader pity my father from his soul? --to see an orderly and
+well-disposed gentleman, who tho' singular, --yet inoffensive in his
+notions, --so played upon in them by cross purposes; ----to look down
+upon the stage, and see him baffled and overthrown in all his little
+systems and wishes; to behold a train of events perpetually falling out
+against him, and in so critical and cruel a way, as if they had
+purposedly been plann'd and pointed against him, merely to insult his
+speculations. ----In a word, to behold such a one, in his old age,
+ill-fitted for troubles, ten times in a day suffering sorrow; --ten
+times in a day calling the child of his prayers TRISTRAM! --Melancholy
+dissyllable of sound! which, to his ears, was unison to _Nincompoop_,
+and every name vituperative under heaven. ----By his ashes! I swear it,
+--if ever malignant spirit took pleasure, or busied itself in traversing
+the purposes of mortal man, --it must have been here; --and if it was
+not necessary I should be born before I was christened, I would this
+moment give the reader an account of it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+------How could you, Madam, be so inattentive in reading the last
+chapter? I told you in it, _That my mother was not a papist_.
+----Papist! You told me no such thing, Sir. --Madam, I beg leave to
+repeat it over again, that I told you as plain, at least, as words, by
+direct inference, could tell you such a thing. --Then, Sir, I must have
+miss'd a page. --No, Madam, --you have not miss'd a word. ----Then I was
+asleep, Sir. --My pride, Madam, cannot allow you that refuge. ----Then,
+I declare, I know nothing at all about the matter. --That, Madam, is the
+very fault I lay to your charge; and as a punishment for it, I do insist
+upon it, that you immediately turn back, that is, as soon as you get to
+the next full stop, and read the whole chapter over again. I have
+imposed this penance upon the lady, neither out of wantonness nor
+cruelty; but from the best of motives; and therefore shall make her no
+apology for it when she returns back: --'Tis to rebuke a vicious taste,
+which has crept into thousands besides herself, --of reading straight
+forwards, more in quest of the adventures, than of the deep erudition
+and knowledge which a book of this cast, if read over as it should be,
+would infallibly impart with them ----The mind should be accustomed to
+make wise reflections, and draw curious conclusions as it goes along;
+the habitude of which made _Pliny_ the younger affirm, "That he never
+read a book so bad, but he drew some profit from it." The stories of
+_Greece_ and _Rome_, run over without this turn and application, --do
+less service, I affirm it, than the history of _Parismus_ and
+_Parismenus_, or of the Seven Champions of _England_, read with it.
+
+------But here comes my fair lady. Have you read over again the chapter,
+Madam, as I desired you? --You have: And did you not observe the
+passage, upon the second reading, which admits the inference? ----Not a
+word like it! Then, Madam, be pleased to ponder well the last line but
+one of the chapter, where I take upon me to say, "It was _necessary_ I
+should be born before I was christen'd." Had my mother, Madam, been a
+Papist, that consequence did not follow.[1.1]
+
+It is a terrible misfortune for this same book of mine, but more so to
+the Republick of letters; --so that my own is quite swallowed up in the
+consideration of it, --that this selfsame vile pruriency for fresh
+adventures in all things, has got so strongly into our habit and humour,
+--and so wholly intent are we upon satisfying the impatience of our
+concupiscence that way, --that nothing but the gross and more carnal
+parts of a composition will go down: --The subtle hints and sly
+communications of science fly off, like spirits upwards, ----the heavy
+moral escapes downwards; and both the one and the other are as much lost
+to the world, as if they were still left in the bottom of the ink-horn.
+
+I wish the male-reader has not pass'd by many a one, as quaint and
+curious as this one, in which the female-reader has been detected.
+I wish it may have its effects; --and that all good people, both male
+and female, from her example, may be taught to think as well as read.
+
+MEMOIRE presenté ŕ Messieurs les Docteurs de SORBONNE[1.2]
+
+_Un Chirurgien Accoucheur, represente ŕ Messieurs les Docteurs de
+SORBONNE, qu'il y a des cas, quoique trčs rares, oů une mere ne sçauroit
+accoucher, & męme oů l'enfant est tellement renfermé dans le sein de sa
+mere, qu'il ne fait parôitre aucune partie de son corps, ce qui seroit
+un cas, suivant les Rituels, de lui conférer, du moins sous condition,
+le baptęme. Le Chirurgien, qui consulte, prétend, par le moyen d'une
+_petite canulle_, de pouvoir baptiser immediatement l'enfant, sans
+faire aucun tort ŕ la mere. ----Il demand si ce moyen, qu'il vient de
+proposer, est permis & légitime, & s'il peut s'en servir dans les cas
+qu'il vient d'exposer._
+
+    [Footnote 1.1: The _Romish_ Rituals direct the baptizing of the
+    child, in cases of danger, _before_ it is born; --but upon this
+    proviso, That some part or other of the child's body be seen by
+    the baptizer: ----But the Doctors of the _Sorbonne_, by a
+    deliberation held amongst them, _April_ 10, 1733, --have enlarged
+    the powers of the midwives, by determining, That though no part
+    of the child's body should appear, ----that baptism shall,
+    nevertheless, be administered to it by injection, --_par le moyen
+    d'une petite canulle_, --Anglicč _a squirt_. ----'Tis very strange
+    that St. _Thomas Aquinas_, who had so good a mechanical head,
+    both for tying and untying the knots of school-divinity, --should,
+    after so much pains bestowed upon this, --give up the point at
+    last, as a second _La chose impossible_, --"Infantes in maternis
+    uteris existentes (quoth St. _Thomas!_) baptizari possunt _nullo
+    modo_." --O _Thomas!_ _Thomas!_
+
+    If the reader has the curiosity to see the question upon baptism
+    _by injection_, as presented to the Doctors of the _Sorbonne_,
+    with their consultation thereupon, it is as follows.]
+
+    [Footnote 1.2: Vide Deventer, Paris edit., 4to, 1734, p. 366.]
+
+
+REPONSE
+
+_Le Conseil estime, que la question proposée souffre de grandes
+difficultés. Les Théologiens posent d'un côté pour principe, que le
+baptęme, qui est une naissance spirituelle, suppose une premiere
+naissance; il faut ętre né dans le monde, pour renaître en _Jesus
+Christ_, comme ils l'enseignent. _S. Thomas, 3 part, qućst. 88, artic.
+II_, suit cette doctrine comme une verité constante; l'on ne peut, dit
+ce S. Docteur, baptiser les enfans qui sont renfermés dans le sein de
+leurs meres, & _S. Thomas_ est fondé sur ce, que les enfans ne sont
+point nés, & ne peuvent ętre comptés parmi les autres hommes; d'oů il
+conclud, qu'ils ne peuvent ętre l'objet d'une action extérieure, pour
+reçevoir par leur ministére, les sacremens nécessaires au salut:_ Pueri
+in maternis uteris existentes nondum prodierunt in lucem ut cum aliis
+hominibus vitam ducant; unde non possunt subjici actioni humanć, ut per
+eorum ministerium sacramenta recipiant ad salutem. _Les rituels
+ordonnent dans la pratique ce que les théologiens ont établi sur les
+męmes matiéres, & ils deffendent tous d'une maniére uniforme, de
+baptiser les enfans qui sont renfermés dans le sein de leurs meres,
+s'ils ne font paroître quelque partie de leurs corps. Le concours des
+théologiens, & des rituels, qui sont les régles des diocéses, paroit
+former une autorité qui termine la question presente; cependant le
+conseil de conscience considerant d'un côté, que le raisonnement des
+théologiens est uniquement fondé sur une raison de convenance, & que la
+deffense des rituels suppose que l'on ne peut baptiser immediatement les
+enfans ainsi renfermés dans le sein de leurs meres, ce qui est contre la
+supposition presente; & d'un autre côté, considerant que les męmes
+théologiens enseignent, que l'on peut risquer les sacremens que _Jesus
+Christ_ a établis comme des moyens faciles, mais nécessaires pour
+sanctifier les hommes; & d'ailleurs estimant, que les enfans renfermés
+dans le sein de leurs meres, pourroient ętre capables de salut,
+parcequ'ils sont capables de damnation; --pour ces considerations, & en
+egard ŕ l'exposé, suivant lequel on assure avoir trouvé un moyen certain
+de baptiser ces enfans ainsi renfermés, sans faire aucun tort ŕ la mere,
+le Conseil estime que l'on pourroit se servir du moyen proposé, dans la
+confiance qu'il a, que Dieu n'a point laissé ces sortes d'enfans sans
+aucuns secours, & supposant, comme il est exposé, que le moyen dont il
+s'agit est propre ŕ leur procurer le baptęme; cependant comme il
+s'agiroit, en autorisant la pratique proposée, de changer une regie
+universellement établie, le Conseil croit que celui qui consulte doit
+s'addresser ŕ son evęque, & ŕ qui il appartient de juger de l'utilité, &
+du danger du moyen proposé, & comme, sous le bon plaisir de l'evęque, le
+Conseil estime qu'il faudroit recourir au Pape, qui a le droit
+d'expliquer les régles de l'eglise, & d'y déroger dans le cas, ou la loi
+ne sçauroit obliger, quelque sage & quelque utile que paroisse la
+maniére de baptiser dont il s'agit, le Conseil ne pourroit l'approuver
+sans le concours de ces deux autorités. On conseile au moins ŕ celui qui
+consulte, de s'addresser ŕ son evęque, & de lui faire part de la
+presente décision, afin que, si le prelat entre dans les raisons sur
+lesquelles les docteurs soussignés s'appuyent, il puisse ętre autorisé
+dans le cas de nécessité, ou il risqueroit trop d'attendre que la
+permission fűt demandée & accordée d'employer le moyen qu'il propose si
+avantageux au salut de l'enfant. Au reste, le Conseil, en estimant que
+l'on pourroit s'en servir, croit cependant, que si les enfans dont il
+s'agit, venoient au monde, contre l'esperance de ceux qui se seroient
+servis du męme moyen, il seroit nécessaire de les baptiser sous
+condition; & en cela le Conseil se conforme ŕ tous les rituels, qui en
+autorisant le baptęme d'un enfant qui fait paroître quelque partie de
+son corps, enjoignent néantmoins, & ordonnent de le baptiser sous
+condition, s'il vient heureusement au monde._
+
+Deliberé en _Sorbonne_, le 10 _Avril_, 1733.
+
+  A. LE MOYNE.
+  L. DE ROMIGNY.
+  DE MARCILLY.
+
+Mr. _Tristram Shandy's_ compliments to Messrs. _Le Moyne_, _De Romigny_,
+and _De Marcilly_; hopes they all rested well the night after so
+tiresome a consultation. --He begs to know, whether after the ceremony
+of marriage, and before that of consummation, the baptizing all the
+HOMUNCULI at once, slapdash, by _injection_, would not be a shorter and
+safer cut still; on condition, as above, That if the HOMUNCULI do well,
+and come safe into the world after this, that each and every of them
+shall be baptized again (_sous condition_) ----And provided, in the
+second place, That the thing can be done, which _Mr. Shandy_ apprehends
+it may, _par le moyen d'une petite canulle_, and _sans faire aucun tort
+au pere_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+----I wonder what's all that noise, and running backwards and forwards
+for, above stairs, quoth my father, addressing himself, after an hour
+and a half's silence, to my uncle _Toby_, ----who, you must know, was
+sitting on the opposite side of the fire, smoking his social pipe all
+the time, in mute contemplation of a new pair of black plush-breeches
+which he had got on: --What can they be doing, brother? --quoth my
+father, --we can scarce hear ourselves talk.
+
+I think, replied my uncle _Toby_, taking his pipe from his mouth, and
+striking the head of it two or three times upon the nail of his left
+thumb, as he began his sentence, ----I think, says he: ----But to enter
+rightly into my uncle _Toby's_ sentiments upon this matter, you must be
+made to enter first a little into his character, the outlines of which I
+shall just give you, and then the dialogue between him and my father
+will go on as well again.
+
+Pray what was that man's name, --for I write in such a hurry, I have no
+time to recollect or look for it, ----who first made the observation,
+"That there was great inconstancy in our air and climate?" Whoever he
+was, 'twas a just and good observation in him. --But the corollary drawn
+from it, namely, "That it is this which has furnished us with such a
+variety of odd and whimsical characters;" --that was not his; --it was
+found out by another man, at least a century and a half after him: Then
+again, --that this copious store-house of original materials, is the
+true and natural cause that our Comedies are so much better than those
+of _France_, or any others that either have, or can be wrote upon the
+Continent: ----that discovery was not fully made till about the middle
+of King _William's_ reign, --when the great _Dryden_, in writing one of
+his long prefaces, (if I mistake not) most fortunately hit upon it.
+Indeed toward the latter end of Queen _Anne_, the great _Addison_ began
+to patronize the notion, and more fully explained it to the world in one
+or two of his Spectators; --but the discovery was not his. --Then,
+fourthly and lastly, that this strange irregularity in our climate,
+producing so strange an irregularity in our characters, ----doth
+thereby, in some sort, make us amends, by giving us somewhat to make us
+merry with when the weather will not suffer us to go out of doors,
+--that observation is my own; --and was struck out by me this very rainy
+day, _March_ 26, 1759, and betwixt the hours of nine and ten in the
+morning.
+
+Thus--thus, my fellow-labourers and associates in this great harvest
+of our learning, now ripening before our eyes; thus it is, by slow
+steps of casual increase, that our knowledge physical, metaphysical,
+physiological, polemical, nautical, mathematical, ćnigmatical,
+technical, biographical, romantical, chemical, and obstetrical, with
+fifty other branches of it, (most of 'em ending as these do, in _ical_)
+have for these two last centuries and more, gradually been creeping
+upwards towards that +Akmę+ of their perfections, from which, if we may
+form a conjecture from the advances of these last seven years, we cannot
+possibly be far off.
+
+When that happens, it is to be hoped, it will put an end to all kind of
+writings whatsoever; --the want of all kind of writing will put an end
+to all kind of reading; --and that in time, _As war begets poverty;
+poverty peace_, ----must, in course, put an end to all kind of
+knowledge, --and then----we shall have all to begin over again; or, in
+other words, be exactly where we started.
+
+------Happy! thrice happy times! I only wish that the ćra of my
+begetting, as well as the mode and manner of it, had been a little
+alter'd, ----or that it could have been put off, with any convenience to
+my father or mother, for some twenty or five-and-twenty years longer,
+when a man in the literary world might have stood some chance.----
+
+But I forget my uncle _Toby_, whom all this while we have left knocking
+the ashes out of his tobacco-pipe.
+
+His humour was of that particular species, which does honour to our
+atmosphere; and I should have made no scruple of ranking him amongst one
+of the first-rate productions of it, had not there appeared too many
+strong lines in it of a family-likeness, which shewed that he derived
+the singularity of his temper more from blood, than either wind or
+water, or any modifications or combinations of them whatever: And I
+have, therefore, oft-times wondered, that my father, tho' I believe he
+had his reasons for it, upon his observing some tokens of eccentricity,
+in my course, when I was a boy, --should never once endeavour to account
+for them in this way: for all the SHANDY FAMILY were of an original
+character throughout: ----I mean the males, --the females had no
+character at all, --except, indeed, my great aunt DINAH, who, about
+sixty years ago, was married and got with child by the coachman, for
+which my father, according to his hypothesis of christian names, would
+often say, She might thank her godfathers and godmothers.
+
+It will seem very strange, ----and I would as soon think of dropping a
+riddle in the reader's way, which is not my interest to do, as set him
+upon guessing how it could come to pass, that an event of this kind, so
+many years after it had happened, should be reserved for the
+interruption of the peace and unity, which otherwise so cordially
+subsisted, between my father and my uncle _Toby_. One would have
+thought, that the whole force of the misfortune should have spent and
+wasted itself in the family at first, --as is generally the case. --But
+nothing ever wrought with our family after the ordinary way. Possibly at
+the very time this happened, it might have something else to afflict it;
+and as afflictions are sent down for our good, and that as this had
+never done the SHANDY FAMILY any good at all, it might lie waiting till
+apt times and circumstances should give it an opportunity to discharge
+its office. ----Observe, I determine nothing upon this. ----My way is
+ever to point out to the curious, different tracts of investigation, to
+come at the first springs of the events I tell; --not with a pedantic
+_Fescue_, --or in the decisive manner of _Tacitus_, who outwits himself
+and his reader; --but with the officious humility of a heart devoted to
+the assistance merely of the inquisitive; --to them I write, ----and by
+them I shall be read, ----if any such reading as this could be supposed
+to hold out so long, --to the very end of the world.
+
+Why this cause of sorrow, therefore, was thus reserved for my father and
+uncle, is undetermined by me. But how and in what direction it exerted
+itself so as to become the cause of dissatisfaction between them, after
+it began to operate, is what I am able to explain with great exactness,
+and is as follows:
+
+My uncle TOBY SHANDY, Madam, was a gentleman, who, with the virtues
+which usually constitute the character of a man of honour and rectitude,
+----possessed one in a very eminent degree, which is seldom or never put
+into the catalogue; and that was a most extreme and unparallel'd modesty
+of nature; ----though I correct the word nature, for this reason, that I
+may not prejudge a point which must shortly come to a hearing, and that
+is, Whether this modesty of his was natural or acquir'd. ----Whichever
+way my uncle _Toby_ came by it, 'twas nevertheless modesty in the truest
+sense of it; and that is, Madam, not in regard to words, for he was so
+unhappy as to have very little choice in them, --but to things; ----and
+this kind of modesty so possessed him, and it arose to such a height in
+him, as almost to equal, if such a thing could be, even the modesty of a
+woman: That female nicety, Madam, and inward cleanliness of mind and
+fancy, in your sex, which makes you so much the awe of ours.
+
+You will imagine, Madam, that my uncle _Toby_ had contracted all this
+from this very source; --that he had spent a great part of his time in
+converse with your sex; and that from a thorough knowledge of you, and
+the force of imitation which such fair examples render irresistible, he
+had acquired this amiable turn of mind.
+
+I wish I could say so, --for unless it was with his sister-in-law, my
+father's wife and my mother----my uncle _Toby_ scarce exchanged three
+words with the sex in as many years; --no, he got it, Madam, by a blow.
+----A blow! --Yes, Madam, it was owing to a blow from a stone, broke off
+by a ball from the parapet of a horn-work at the siege of _Namur_, which
+struck full upon my uncle _Toby's_ groin. --Which way could that effect
+it? The story of that, Madam, is long and interesting; --but it would be
+running my history all upon heaps to give it you here. ----'Tis for an
+episode hereafter; and every circumstance relating to it, in its proper
+place, shall be faithfully laid before you: --'Till then, it is not in
+my power to give farther light into this matter, or say more than what I
+have said already, ----That my uncle _Toby_ was a gentleman of
+unparallel'd modesty, which happening to be somewhat subtilized and
+rarified by the constant heat of a little family pride, ----they both so
+wrought together within him, that he could never bear to hear the affair
+of my aunt DINAH touch'd upon, but with the greatest emotion. ----The
+least hint of it was enough to make the blood fly into his face; --but
+when my father enlarged upon the story in mixed companies, which the
+illustration of his hypothesis frequently obliged him to do, --the
+unfortunate blight of one of the fairest branches of the family, would
+set my uncle _Toby's_ honour and modesty o'bleeding; and he would often
+take my father aside, in the greatest concern imaginable, to expostulate
+and tell him, he would give him anything in the world, only to let the
+story rest.
+
+My father, I believe, had the truest love and tenderness for my uncle
+_Toby_, that ever one brother bore towards another, and would have done
+any thing in nature, which one brother in reason could have desir'd of
+another, to have made my uncle _Toby's_ heart easy in this, or any other
+point. But this lay out of his power.
+
+----My father, as I told you, was a philosopher in grain, --speculative,
+--systematical; --and my aunt _Dinah's_ affair was a matter of as much
+consequence to him, as the retrogradation of the planets to
+_Copernicus_: --The backslidings of _Venus_ in her orbit fortified the
+_Copernican_ system, called so after his name; and the backslidings of
+my aunt _Dinah_ in her orbit, did the same service in establishing my
+father's system, which, I trust, will for ever hereafter be called the
+_Shandean System_, after this.
+
+In any other family dishonour, my father, I believe, had as nice a sense
+of shame as any man whatever; ----and neither he, nor, I dare say,
+_Copernicus_, would have divulged the affair in either case, or have
+taken the least notice of it to the world, but for the obligations they
+owed, as they thought, to truth. --_Amicus Plato_, my father would say,
+construing the words to my uncle _Toby_, as he went along, _Amicus
+Plato_; that is, DINAH was my aunt; --_sed magis amica veritas_----but
+TRUTH is my sister.
+
+This contrariety of humours betwixt my father and my uncle, was the
+source of many a fraternal squabble. The one could not bear to hear the
+tale of family disgrace recorded, ----and the other would scarce ever
+let a day pass to an end without some hint at it.
+
+For God's sake, my uncle _Toby_ would cry, ----and for my sake, and for
+all our sakes, my dear brother _Shandy_, --do let this story of our
+aunt's and her ashes sleep in peace; ----how can you, ----how can you
+have so little feeling and compassion for the character of our family?
+----What is the character of a family to an hypothesis? my father would
+reply. ----Nay, if you come to that--what is the life of a family?
+----The life of a family! --my uncle _Toby_ would say, throwing himself
+back in his arm chair, and lifting up his hands, his eyes, and one leg.
+----Yes, the life, ----my father would say, maintaining his point. How
+many thousands of 'em are there every year that come cast away, (in all
+civilized countries at least)----and considered as nothing but common
+air, in competition of an hypothesis. In my plain sense of things, my
+uncle _Toby_ would answer, ----every such instance is downright MURDER,
+let who will commit it. ----There lies your mistake, my father would
+reply; ----for, in _Foro Scientić_ there is no such thing as MURDER,
+----'tis only DEATH, brother.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ would never offer to answer this by any other kind of
+argument, than that of whistling half a dozen bars of _Lillabullero_.
+----You must know it was the usual channel thro' which his passions got
+vent, when any thing shocked or surprized him: ----but especially when
+any thing, which he deem'd very absurd, was offered.
+
+As not one of our logical writers, nor any of the commentators upon
+them, that I remember, have thought proper to give a name to this
+particular species of argument, --I here take the liberty to do it
+myself, for two reasons. First, That, in order to prevent all confusion
+in disputes, it may stand as much distinguished for ever, from every
+other species of argument------as the _Argumentum ad Verecundiam_, _ex
+Absurdo, ex Fortiori_, or any other argument whatsoever: ----And,
+secondly, That it may be said by my children's children, when my head is
+laid to rest, ----that their learn'd grandfather's head had been busied
+to as much purpose once, as other people's; --That he had invented a
+name, --and generously thrown it into the TREASURY of the _Ars Logica_,
+for one of the most unanswerable arguments in the whole science. And, if
+the end of disputation is more to silence than convince, --they may add,
+if they please, to one of the best arguments too.
+
+I do therefore, by these presents, strictly order and command, That it
+be known and distinguished by the name and title of the _Argumentum
+Fistulatorium_, and no other; --and that it rank hereafter with the
+_Argumentum Baculinum_ and the _Argumentum ad Crumenam_, and for ever
+hereafter be treated of in the same chapter.
+
+As for the _Argumentum Tripodium_, which is never used but by the woman
+against the man; --and the _Argumentum ad Rem_, which, contrarywise, is
+made use of by the man only against the woman; --As these two are enough
+in conscience for one lecture; ----and, moreover, as the one is the best
+answer to the other, --let them likewise be kept apart, and be treated
+of in a place by themselves.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+The learned Bishop _Hall_, I mean the famous Dr. _Joseph Hall_, who was
+Bishop of _Exeter_ in King _James_ the First's reign, tells us in one of
+his _Decads_, at the end of his divine art of meditation, imprinted at
+_London_, in the year 1610, by _John Beal_, dwelling in
+_Aldersgate-street_, "That it is an abominable thing for a man to
+commend himself;" ----and I really think it is so.
+
+And yet, on the other hand, when a thing is executed in a masterly kind
+of a fashion, which thing is not likely to be found out; --I think it is
+full as abominable, that a man should lose the honour of it, and go out
+of the world with the conceit of it rotting in his head.
+
+This is precisely my situation.
+
+For in this long digression which I was accidentally led into, as in all
+my digressions (one only excepted) there is a masterstroke of digressive
+skill, the merit of which has all along, I fear, been overlooked by my
+reader, --not for want of penetration in him, --but because 'tis an
+excellence seldom looked for, or expected indeed, in a digression; --and
+it is this: That tho' my digressions are all fair, as you observe, --and
+that I fly off from what I am about, as far, and as often too, as any
+writer in _Great Britain_; yet I constantly take care to order affairs
+so that my main business does not stand still in my absence.
+
+I was just going, for example, to have given you the great outlines of
+my uncle _Toby's_ most whimsical character; --when my aunt _Dinah_ and
+the coachman came across us, and led us a vagary some millions of miles
+into the very heart of the planetary system: Notwithstanding all this,
+you perceive that the drawing of my uncle _Toby's_ character went on
+gently all the time; --not the great contours of it, --that was
+impossible, --but some familiar strokes and faint designations of it,
+were here and there touch'd on, as we went along, so that you are much
+better acquainted with my uncle _Toby_ now than you was before.
+
+By this contrivance the machinery of my work is of a species by itself;
+two contrary motions are introduced into it, and reconciled, which were
+thought to be at variance with each other. In a word, my work is
+digressive, and it is progressive too, --and at the same time.
+
+This, Sir, is a very different story from that of the earth's moving
+round her axis, in her diurnal rotation, with her progress in her
+elliptick orbit which brings about the year, and constitutes that
+variety and vicissitude of seasons we enjoy; --though I own it suggested
+the thought, --as I believe the greatest of our boasted improvements and
+discoveries have come from such trifling hints.
+
+Digressions, incontestably, are the sunshine; ----they are the life, the
+soul of reading! --take them out of this book, for instance, --you might
+as well take the book along with them; --one cold eternal winter would
+reign in every page of it; restore them to the writer; --he steps forth
+like a bridegroom, --bids All-hail; brings in variety, and forbids the
+appetite to fail.
+
+All the dexterity is in the good cookery and management of them, so as
+to be not only for the advantage of the reader, but also of the author,
+whose distress, in this matter, is truly pitiable: For, if he begins a
+digression, --from that moment, I observe, his whole work stands stock
+still; --and if he goes on with his main work, --then there is an end of
+his digression.
+
+----This is vile work. --For which reason, from the beginning of this,
+you see, I have constructed the main work and the adventitious parts of
+it with such intersections, and have so complicated and involved the
+digressive and progressive movements, one wheel within another, that the
+whole machine, in general, has been kept a-going; --and, what's more, it
+shall be kept a-going these forty years, if it pleases the fountain of
+health to bless me so long with life and good spirits.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+I have a strong propensity in me to begin this chapter very
+nonsensically, and I will not baulk my fancy. --Accordingly I set off
+thus:
+
+If the fixture of _Momus's_ glass in the human breast, according to the
+proposed emendation of that arch-critick, had taken place, ----first,
+This foolish consequence would certainly have followed, --That the very
+wisest and very gravest of us all, in one coin or other, must have paid
+window-money every day of our lives.
+
+And, secondly, That had the said glass been there set up, nothing more
+would have been wanting, in order to have taken a man's character, but
+to have taken a chair and gone softly, as you would to a dioptrical
+beehive, and look'd in, --view'd the soul stark naked; --observed all
+her motions, --her machinations; --traced all her maggots from their
+first engendering to their crawling forth; --watched her loose in her
+frisks, her gambols, her capricios; and after some notice of her more
+solemn deportment, consequent upon such frisks, etc. ----then taken your
+pen and ink and set down nothing but what you had seen, and could have
+sworn to: --But this is an advantage not to be had by the biographer in
+this planet; --in the planet _Mercury_ (belike) it may be so, if not
+better still for him; ----for there the intense heat of the country,
+which is proved by computators, from its vicinity to the sun, to be more
+than equal to that of red-hot iron, --must, I think, long ago have
+vitrified the bodies of the inhabitants, (as the efficient cause) to
+suit them for the climate (which is the final cause); so that betwixt
+them both, all the tenements of their souls, from top to bottom, may be
+nothing else, for aught the soundest philosophy can shew to the
+contrary, but one fine transparent body of clear glass (bating the
+umbilical knot)--so that, till the inhabitants grow old and tolerably
+wrinkled, whereby the rays of light, in passing through them, become so
+monstrously refracted, ----or return reflected from their surfaces in
+such transverse lines to the eye, that a man cannot be seen through;
+--his soul might as well, unless for mere ceremony, or the trifling
+advantage which the umbilical point gave her, --might, upon all other
+accounts, I say, as well play the fool out o'doors as in her own house.
+
+But this, as I said above, is not the case of the inhabitants of this
+earth; --our minds shine not through the body, but are wrapt up here in
+a dark covering of uncrystalized flesh and blood; so that, if we would
+come to the specific characters of them, we must go some other way to
+work.
+
+Many, in good truth, are the ways, which human wit has been forced to
+take, to do this thing with exactness.
+
+Some, for instance, draw all their characters with wind-instruments.
+--_Virgil_ takes notice of that way in the affair of _Dido_ and _Ćneas_;
+--but it is as fallacious as the breath of fame; --and, moreover,
+bespeaks a narrow genius. I am not ignorant that the _Italians_ pretend
+to a mathematical exactness in their designations of one particular sort
+of character among them, from the _forte_ or _piano_ of a certain
+wind-instrument they use, --which they say is infallible. --I dare not
+mention the name of the instrument in this place; --'tis sufficient we
+have it amongst us, --but never think of making a drawing by it; --this
+is ćnigmatical, and intended to be so, at least _ad populum_: --And
+therefore, I beg, Madam, when you come here, that you read on as fast as
+you can, and never stop to make any inquiry about it.
+
+There are others again, who will draw a man's character from no other
+helps in the world, but merely from his evacuations; --but this often
+gives a very incorrect outline, --unless, indeed, you take a sketch of
+his repletions too; and by correcting one drawing from the other,
+compound one good figure out of them both.
+
+I should have no objection to this method, but that I think it must
+smell too strong of the lamp, --and be render'd still more operose, by
+forcing you to have an eye to the rest of his _Non-naturals_. ----Why
+the most natural actions of a man's life should be called his
+Non-naturals, --is another question.
+
+There are others, fourthly, who disdain every one of these expedients;
+--not from any fertility of their own, but from the various ways of
+doing it, which they have borrowed from the honourable devices which the
+Pentagraphic Brethren[1.3] of the brush have shewn in taking copies.
+--These, you must know, are your great historians.
+
+One of these you will see drawing a full-length character _against the
+light_; --that's illiberal, --dishonest, --and hard upon the character
+of the man who sits.
+
+Others, to mend the matter, will make a drawing of you in the _Camera_;
+--that is most unfair of all, --because, _there_ you are sure to be
+represented in some of your most ridiculous attitudes.
+
+To avoid all and every one of these errors in giving you my uncle
+_Toby's_ character, I am determined to draw it by no mechanical help
+whatever; ----nor shall my pencil be guided by any one wind-instrument
+which ever was blown upon, either on this, or on the other side of the
+_Alps_; --nor will I consider either his repletions or his discharges,
+--or touch upon his Non-naturals--but, in a word, I will draw my uncle
+_Toby's_ character from his HOBBY-HORSE.
+
+    [Footnote 1.3: Pentagraph, an instrument to copy Prints and
+    Pictures mechanically, and in any proportion.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+
+If I was not morally sure that the reader must be out of all patience
+for my uncle _Toby's_ character, ----I would here previously have
+convinced him that there is no instrument so fit to draw such a thing
+with, as that which I have pitch'd upon.
+
+A man and his HOBBY-HORSE, tho' I cannot say that they act and re-act
+exactly after the same manner in which the soul and body do upon each
+other: Yet doubtless there is a communication between them of some kind;
+and my opinion rather is, that there is something in it more of the
+manner of electrified bodies, --and that, by means of the heated parts
+of the rider, which come immediately into contact with the back of the
+HOBBY-HORSE, --by long journeys and much friction, it so happens, that
+the body of the rider is at length fill'd as full of HOBBY-HORSICAL
+matter as it can hold; ----so that if you are able to give but a clear
+description of the nature of the one, you may form a pretty exact notion
+of the genius and character of the other.
+
+Now the HOBBY-HORSE which my uncle _Toby_ always rode upon, was in my
+opinion a HOBBY-HORSE well worth giving a description of, if it was only
+upon the score of his great singularity; --for you might have travelled
+from _York_ to _Dover_, --from _Dover_ to _Penzance_ in _Cornwall_, and
+from _Penzance_ to _York_ back again, and not have seen such another
+upon the road; or if you had seen such a one, whatever haste you had
+been in, you must infallibly have stopp'd to have taken a view of him.
+Indeed, the gait and figure of him was so strange, and so utterly unlike
+was he, from his head to his tail, to any one of the whole species, that
+it was now and then made a matter of dispute, ----whether he was really
+a HOBBY-HORSE or no: but as the Philosopher would use no other argument
+to the Sceptic, who disputed with him against the reality of motion,
+save that of rising up upon his legs, and walking across the room; --so
+would my uncle _Toby_ use no other argument to prove his HOBBY-HORSE was
+a HOBBY-HORSE indeed, but by getting upon his back and riding him about;
+--leaving the world, after that, to determine the point as it thought
+fit.
+
+In good truth, my uncle _Toby_ mounted him with so much pleasure, and he
+carried my uncle _Toby_ so well, ----that he troubled his head very
+little with what the world either said or thought about it.
+
+It is now high time, however, that I give you a description of him:
+--But to go on regularly, I only beg you will give me leave to acquaint
+you first, how my uncle _Toby_ came by him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+
+The wound in my uncle _Toby's_ groin, which he received at the siege of
+_Namur_, rendering him unfit for the service, it was thought expedient
+he should return to _England_, in order, if possible, to be set to
+rights.
+
+He was four years totally confined, --part of it to his bed, and all of
+it to his room: and in the course of his cure, which was all that time
+in hand, suffer'd unspeakable miseries, --owing to a succession of
+exfoliations from the _os pubis_, and the outward edge of that part of
+the _coxendix_ called the _os illium_, ----both which bones were
+dismally crush'd, as much by the irregularity of the stone, which I told
+you was broke off the parapet, --as by its size, --(tho' it was pretty
+large) which inclined the surgeon all along to think, that the great
+injury which it had done my uncle _Toby's_ groin, was more owing to the
+gravity of the stone itself, than to the projectile force of it, --which
+he would often tell him was a great happiness.
+
+My father at that time was just beginning business in _London_, and had
+taken a house; --and as the truest friendship and cordiality subsisted
+between the two brothers, --and that my father thought my uncle _Toby_
+could no where be so well nursed and taken care of as in his own house,
+----he assign'd him the very best apartment in it. --And what was a much
+more sincere mark of his affection still, he would never suffer a friend
+or an acquaintance to step into the house on any occasion, but he would
+take him by the hand, and lead him up stairs to see his brother _Toby_,
+and chat an hour by his bedside.
+
+The history of a soldier's wound beguiles the pain of it; --my uncle's
+visitors at least thought so, and in their daily calls upon him, from
+the courtesy arising out of that belief, they would frequently turn the
+discourse to that subject, --and from that subject the discourse would
+generally roll on to the siege itself.
+
+These conversations were infinitely kind; and my uncle _Toby_ received
+great relief from them, and would have received much more, but that they
+brought him into some unforeseen perplexities, which, for three months
+together, retarded his cure greatly; and if he had not hit upon an
+expedient to extricate himself out of them, I verily believe they would
+have laid him in his grave.
+
+What these perplexities of my uncle _Toby_ were, ----'tis impossible for
+you to guess; --if you could, --I should blush; not as a relation, --not
+as a man, --nor even as a woman, --but I should blush as an author;
+inasmuch as I set no small store by myself upon this very account, that
+my reader has never yet been able to guess at anything. And in this,
+Sir, I am of so nice and singular a humour, that if I thought you was
+able to form the least judgment or probable conjecture to yourself, of
+what was to come in the next page, --I would tear it out of my book.
+
+
+
+
+BOOK II
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+I have begun a new book, on purpose that I might have room enough to
+explain the nature of the perplexities in which my uncle _Toby_ was
+involved, from the many discourses and interrogations about the siege of
+_Namur_, where he received his wound.
+
+I must remind the reader, in case he has read the history of King
+_William's_ wars, --but if he has not, --I then inform him, that one of
+the most memorable attacks in that siege, was that which was made by the
+_English_ and _Dutch_ upon the point of the advanced counterscarp,
+between the gate of _St. Nicolas_, which inclosed the great sluice or
+water-stop, where the _English_ were terribly exposed to the shot of the
+counter-guard and demi-bastion of _St. Roch_. The issue of which hot
+dispute, in three words, was this; That the _Dutch_ lodged themselves
+upon the counter-guard, --and that the _English_ made themselves masters
+of the covered-way before _St. Nicolas_-gate, notwithstanding the
+gallantry of the _French_ officers, who exposed themselves upon the
+glacis sword in hand.
+
+As this was the principal attack of which my uncle _Toby_ was an
+eye-witness at _Namur_, ----the army of the besiegers being cut off, by
+the confluence of the _Maes_ and _Sambre_, from seeing much of each
+other's operations, ----my uncle _Toby_ was generally more eloquent and
+particular in his account of it; and the many perplexities he was in,
+arose out of the almost insurmountable difficulties he found in telling
+his story intelligibly, and giving such clear ideas of the differences
+and distinctions between the scarp and counter-scarp, --the glacis and
+covered-way, --the half-moon and ravelin, --as to make his company fully
+comprehend where and what he was about.
+
+Writers themselves are too apt to confound these terms; so that you will
+the less wonder, if in his endeavours to explain them, and in opposition
+to many misconceptions, that my uncle _Toby_ did oft-times puzzle his
+visitors, and sometimes himself too.
+
+To speak the truth, unless the company my father led upstairs were
+tolerably clear-headed, or my uncle _Toby_ was in one of his explanatory
+moods, 'twas a difficult thing, do what he could, to keep the discourse
+free from obscurity.
+
+What rendered the account of this affair the more intricate to my uncle
+_Toby_, was this, --that in the attack of the counterscarp, before the
+gate of _St. Nicolas_, extending itself from the bank of the _Maes_,
+quite up to the great water-stop, --the ground was cut and cross cut
+with such a multitude of dykes, drains, rivulets, and sluices, on all
+sides, --and he would get so sadly bewildered, and set fast amongst
+them, that frequently he could neither get backwards or forwards to save
+his life; and was oft-times obliged to give up the attack upon that very
+account only.
+
+These perplexing rebuffs gave my uncle _Toby Shandy_ more perturbations
+than you would imagine: and as my father's kindness to him was
+continually dragging up fresh friends and fresh enquirers, ----he had
+but a very uneasy task of it.
+
+No doubt my uncle _Toby_ had great command of himself, could guard
+appearances, I believe, as well as most men; --yet any one may imagine,
+that when he could not retreat out of the ravelin without getting into
+the half-moon, or get out of the covered-way without falling down the
+counterscarp, nor cross the dyke without danger of slipping into the
+ditch, but that he must have fretted and fumed inwardly: --He did so;
+and the little and hourly vexations, which may seem trifling and of no
+account to the man who has not read _Hippocrates_, yet, whoever has read
+_Hippocrates_, or Dr. _James Mackenzie_, and has considered well the
+effects which the passions and affections of the mind have upon the
+digestion--(Why not of a wound as well as of a dinner?)--may easily
+conceive what sharp paroxysms and exacerbations of his wound my uncle
+_Toby_ must have undergone upon that score only.
+
+--My uncle _Toby_ could not philosophize upon it; --'twas enough he felt
+it was so, --and having sustained the pain and sorrows of it for three
+months together, he was resolved some way or other to extricate himself.
+
+He was one morning lying upon his back in his bed, the anguish and
+nature of the wound upon his groin suffering him to lie in no other
+position, when a thought came into his head, that if he could purchase
+such a thing, and have it pasted down upon a board, as a large map of
+the fortification of the town and citadel of _Namur_, with its environs,
+it might be a means of giving him ease. --I take notice of his desire to
+have the environs along with the town and citadel, for this reason,
+--because my uncle _Toby's_ wound was got in one of the traverses, about
+thirty toises from the returning angle of the trench, opposite to the
+salient angle of the demi-bastion of _St. Roch_: ----so that he was
+pretty confident he could stick a pin upon the identical spot of ground
+where he was standing on when the stone struck him.
+
+All this succeeded to his wishes, and not only freed him from a world of
+sad explanations, but, in the end, it proved the happy means, as you
+will read, of procuring my uncle _Toby_ his HOBBY-HORSE.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+There is nothing so foolish, when you are at the expence of making an
+entertainment of this kind, as to order things so badly, as to let your
+criticks and gentry of refined taste run it down: Nor is there anything
+so likely to make them do it, as that of leaving them out of the party,
+or, what is full as offensive, of bestowing your attention upon the rest
+of your guests in so particular a way, as if there was no such thing as
+a critick (by occupation) at table.
+
+----I guard against both; for, in the first place, I have left half a
+dozen places purposely open for them; --and in the next place, I pay
+them all court. --Gentlemen, I kiss your hands, I protest no company
+could give me half the pleasure, --by my soul I am glad to see
+you ------I beg only you will make no strangers of yourselves, but sit
+down without any ceremony, and fall on heartily.
+
+I said I had left six places, and I was upon the point of carrying my
+complaisance so far, as to have left a seventh open for them, --and in
+this very spot I stand on; but being told by a Critick (tho' not by
+occupation, --but by nature) that I had acquitted myself well enough,
+I shall fill it up directly, hoping, in the meantime, that I shall be
+able to make a great deal of more room next year.
+
+------How, in the name of wonder! could your uncle _Toby_, who, it
+seems, was a military man, and whom you have represented as no fool,
+----be at the same time such a confused, pudding-headed, muddle-headed,
+fellow, as --Go look.
+
+So, Sir Critick, I could have replied; but I scorn it. --'Tis language
+unurbane, --and only befitting the man who cannot give clear and
+satisfactory accounts of things, or dive deep enough into the first
+causes of human ignorance and confusion. It is moreover the reply
+valiant--and therefore I reject it: for tho' it might have suited my
+uncle _Toby's_ character as a soldier excellently well, and had he not
+accustomed himself, in such attacks, to whistle the _Lillabullero_, as
+he wanted no courage, 'tis the very answer he would have given; yet it
+would by no means have done for me. You see as plain as can be, that I
+write as a man of erudition; --that even my similies, my allusions, my
+illustrations, my metaphors, are erudite, --and that I must sustain my
+character properly, and contrast it properly too, --else what would
+become of me? Why, Sir, I should be undone; --at this very moment that I
+am going here to fill up one place against a critick, --I should have
+made an opening for a couple.
+
+----Therefore I answer thus:
+
+Pray, Sir, in all the reading which you have ever read, did you ever
+read such a book as _Locke's_ Essay upon the Human Understanding?
+----Don't answer me rashly--because many, I know, quote the book, who
+have not read it--and many have read it who understand it not: --If
+either of these is your case, as I write to instruct, I will tell you in
+three words what the book is. --It is a history. --A history! of who?
+what? where? when? Don't hurry yourself ----It is a history-book, Sir
+(which may possibly recommend it to the world) of what passes in a man's
+own mind; and if you will say so much of the book, and no more, believe
+me, you will cut no contemptible figure in a metaphysick circle.
+
+But this by the way.
+
+Now if you will venture to go along with me, and look down into the
+bottom of this matter, it will be found that the cause of obscurity and
+confusion, in the mind of a man, is threefold.
+
+Dull organs, dear Sir, in the first place. Secondly, slight and
+transient impressions made by the objects, when the said organs are not
+dull. And thirdly, a memory like unto a sieve, not able to retain what
+it has received. --Call down _Dolly_ your chambermaid, and I will give
+you my cap and bell along with it, if I make not this matter so plain
+that _Dolly_ herself should understand it as well as _Malbranch_.
+----When _Dolly_ has indited her epistle to _Robin_, and has thrust her
+arm into the bottom of her pocket hanging by her right side; --take that
+opportunity to recollect that the organs and faculties of perception
+can, by nothing in this world, be so aptly typified and explained as by
+that one thing which _Dolly's_ hand is in search of. --Your organs are
+not so dull that I should inform you--'tis an inch, Sir, of red
+seal-wax.
+
+When this is melted, and dropped upon the letter, if _Dolly_ fumbles too
+long for her thimble, till the wax is over hardened, it will not receive
+the mark of her thimble from the usual impulse which was wont to imprint
+it. Very well. If _Dolly's_ wax, for want of better, is bees-wax, or of
+a temper too soft, --tho' it may receive, --it will not hold the
+impression, how hard soever _Dolly_ thrusts against it; and last of all,
+supposing the wax good, and eke the thimble, but applied thereto in
+careless haste, as her Mistress rings the bell; ----in any one of these
+three cases the print left by the thimble will be as unlike the
+prototype as a brass-jack.
+
+Now you must understand that not one of these was the true cause of the
+confusion in my uncle _Toby's_ discourse; and it is for that very reason
+I enlarge upon them so long, after the manner of great physiologists--to
+shew the world, what it did _not_ arise from.
+
+What it did arise from, I have hinted above, and a fertile source of
+obscurity it is, --and ever will be, --and that is the unsteady uses of
+words, which have perplexed the clearest and most exalted
+understandings.
+
+It is ten to one (at _Arthur's_) whether you have ever read the literary
+histories of past ages; --if you have, what terrible battles, 'yclept
+logomachies, have they occasioned and perpetuated with so much gall and
+ink-shed, --that a good-natured man cannot read the accounts of them
+without tears in his eyes.
+
+Gentle critick! when thou hast weighed all this, and considered within
+thyself how much of thy own knowledge, discourse, and conversation has
+been pestered and disordered at one time or other, by this, and this
+only: --What a pudder and racket in COUNCILS about +ousia+ and
++hupostasis+; and in the SCHOOLS of the learned about power and about
+spirit; --about essences, and about quintessences; ----about substances,
+and about space. ----What confusion in greater THEATRES from words of
+little meaning, and as indeterminate a sense! when thou considerest
+this, thou wilt not wonder at my uncle _Toby's_ perplexities, --thou
+wilt drop a tear-of pity upon his scarp and his counterscarp; --his
+glacis and his covered way; --his ravelin and his half-moon: 'Twas not
+by ideas, --by Heaven; his life was put in jeopardy by words.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+When my uncle _Toby_ got his map of _Namur_ to his mind, he began
+immediately to apply himself, and with the utmost diligence, to the
+study of it; for nothing being of more importance to him than his
+recovery, and his recovery depending, as you have read, upon the
+passions and affections of his mind, it behoved him to take the nicest
+care to make himself so far master of his subject, as to be able to talk
+upon it without emotion.
+
+In a fortnight's close and painful application, which, by the bye, did
+my uncle _Toby's_ wound, upon his groin, no good, --he was enabled, by
+the help of some marginal documents at the feet of the elephant,
+together with _Gobesius's_ military architecture and pyroballogy,
+translated from the _Flemish_, to form his discourse with passable
+perspicuity; and before he was two full months gone, --he was right
+eloquent upon it, and could make not only the attack of the advanced
+counterscarp with great order; ----but having, by that time, gone much
+deeper into the art, than what his first motive made necessary, my uncle
+_Toby_ was able to cross the _Maes_ and _Sambre_; make diversions as far
+as _Vauban's_ line, the abbey of _Salsines_, etc., and give his visitors
+as distinct a history of each of their attacks, as of that of the gate
+of _St. Nicolas_, where he had the honour to receive his wound.
+
+But desire of knowledge, like the thirst of riches, increases ever with
+the acquisition of it. The more my uncle _Toby_ pored over his map, the
+more he took a liking to it! --by the same process and electrical
+assimilation, as I told you, through which I ween the souls of
+connoisseurs themselves, by long friction and incumbition, have the
+happiness, at length, to get all be-virtu'd--be-pictured,
+--be-butterflied, and befiddled.
+
+The more my uncle _Toby_ drank of this sweet fountain of science, the
+greater was the heat and impatience of his thirst, so that before the
+first year of his confinement had well gone round, there was scarce a
+fortified town in _Italy_ or _Flanders_, of which, by one means or
+other, he had not procured a plan, reading over as he got them, and
+carefully collating therewith the histories of their sieges, their
+demolitions, their improvements, and new works, all which he would read
+with that intense application and delight, that he would forget himself,
+his wound, his confinement, his dinner.
+
+In the second year my uncle _Toby_ purchased _Ramelli_ and _Cataneo_,
+translated from the _Italian_; --likewise _Stevinus_, _Moralis_, the
+Chevalier _de Ville_, _Lorini_, _Cochorn_, _Sheeter_, the Count _de
+Pagan_, the Marshal _Vauban_, Mons. _Blondel_, with almost as many more
+books of military architecture, as Don _Quixote_ was found to have of
+chivalry, when the curate and barber invaded his library.
+
+Towards the beginning of the third year, which was in _August_,
+ninety-nine, my uncle _Toby_ found it necessary to understand a little
+of projectiles: --and having judged it best to draw his knowledge from
+the fountain-head, he began with _N. Tartaglia_, who it seems was the
+first man who detected the imposition of a cannon-ball's doing all that
+mischief under the notion of a right line --This _N. Tartaglia_ proved
+to my uncle _Toby_ to be an impossible thing.
+
+----Endless is the search of Truth.
+
+No sooner was my uncle _Toby_ satisfied which road the cannon-ball did
+not go, but he was insensibly led on, and resolved in his mind to
+enquire and find out which road the ball did go: For which purpose he
+was obliged to set off afresh with old _Maltus_, and studied him
+devoutly. --He proceeded next to _Galileo_ and _Torricellius_, wherein,
+by certain Geometrical rules, infallibly laid down, he found the precise
+part to be a PARABOLA--or else an HYPERBOLA, --and that the parameter,
+or _latus rectum_, of the conic section of the said path, was to the
+quantity and amplitude in a direct _ratio_, as the whole line to the
+sine of double the angle of incidence, formed by the breech upon an
+horizontal plane; --and that the semiparameter, ----stop! my dear uncle
+_Toby_----stop! --go not one foot farther into this thorny and
+bewildered track, --intricate are the steps! intricate are the mazes of
+this labyrinth! intricate are the troubles which the pursuit of this
+bewitching phantom KNOWLEDGE will bring upon thee. --O my uncle;
+--fly--fly, fly from it as from a serpent. ----Is it fit----good-natured
+man! thou should'st sit up, with the wound upon thy groin, whole nights
+baking thy blood with hectic watchings? ----Alas! 'twill exasperate thy
+symptoms, --check thy perspirations--evaporate thy spirits--waste thy
+animal strength, --dry up thy radical moisture, bring thee into a
+costive habit of body, ----impair thy health, ----and hasten all the
+infirmities of thy old age. ----O my uncle! my uncle _Toby_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+I would not give a groat for that man's knowledge in pencraft, who does
+not understand this, ----That the best plain narrative in the world,
+tacked very close to the last spirited apostrophe to my uncle
+_Toby_----would have felt both cold and vapid upon the reader's palate;
+--therefore I forthwith put an end to the chapter, though I was in the
+middle of my story.
+
+------Writers of my stamp have one principle in common with painters.
+Where an exact copying makes our pictures less striking, we choose the
+less evil; deeming it even more pardonable to trespass against truth,
+than beauty. This is to be understood _cum grano salis_; but be it as it
+will, --as the parallel is made more for the sake of letting the
+apostrophe cool, than any thing else, --'tis not very material whether
+upon any other score the reader approves of it or not.
+
+In the latter end of the third year, my uncle _Toby_ perceiving that the
+parameter and semiparameter of the conic section angered his wound, he
+left off the study of projectiles in a kind of a huff, and betook
+himself to the practical part of fortification only; the pleasure of
+which, like a spring held back, returned upon him with redoubled force.
+
+It was in this year that my uncle began to break in upon the daily
+regularity of a clean shirt, ----to dismiss his barber unshaven, ----and
+to allow his surgeon scarce time sufficient to dress his wound,
+concerning himself so little about it, as not to ask him once in seven
+times dressing, how it went on: when, lo! --all of a sudden, for the
+change was quick as lightning, he began to sigh heavily for his
+recovery, ----complained to my father, grew impatient with the surgeon:
+----and one morning, as he heard his foot coming up stairs, he shut up
+his books, and thrust aside his instruments, in order to expostulate
+with him upon the protraction of the cure, which, he told him, might
+surely have been accomplished at least by that time: --He dwelt long
+upon the miseries he had undergone, and the sorrows of his four years
+melancholy imprisonment; --adding, that had it not been for the kind
+looks and fraternal chearings of the best of brothers, --he had long
+since sunk under his misfortunes. ----My father was by: My uncle
+_Toby's_ eloquence brought tears into his eyes; ----'twas unexpected:
+----My uncle _Toby_, by nature was not eloquent; --it had the greater
+effect: ----The surgeon was confounded; ----not that there wanted
+grounds for such, or greater marks of impatience, --but 'twas unexpected
+too; in the four years he had attended him, he had never seen anything
+like it in my uncle _Toby's_ carriage; he had never once dropped one
+fretful or discontented word; ----he had been all patience, --all
+submission.
+
+--We lose the right of complaining sometimes by forbearing it; --but we
+often treble the force: --The surgeon was astonished; but much more so,
+when he heard my uncle _Toby_ go on, and peremptorily insist upon his
+healing up the wound directly, --or sending for Monsieur _Ronjat_, the
+king's serjeant-surgeon, to do it for him.
+
+The desire of life and health is implanted in man's nature; ----the love
+of liberty and enlargement is a sister-passion to it: These my uncle
+_Toby_ had in common with his species; ----and either of them had been
+sufficient to account for his earnest desire to get well and out of
+doors; ----but I have told you before, that nothing wrought with our
+family after the common way; ----and from the time and manner in which
+this eager desire shewed itself in the present case, the penetrating
+reader will suspect there was some other cause or crotchet for it in my
+uncle _Toby's_ head: ----There was so, and 'tis the subject of the next
+chapter to set forth what that cause and crotchet was. I own, when
+that's done, 'twill be time to return back to the parlour fire-side,
+where we left my uncle _Toby_ in the middle of his sentence.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+When a man gives himself up to the government of a ruling passion, --or,
+in other words, when his HOBBY-HORSE grows headstrong, ----farewel cool
+reason and fair discretion!
+
+My uncle _Toby's_ wound was near well, and as soon as the surgeon
+recovered his surprize, and could get leave to say as much----he told
+him, 'twas just beginning to incarnate; and that if no fresh exfoliation
+happened, which there was no sign of, --it would be dried up in five or
+six weeks. The sound of as many Olympiads, twelve hours before, would
+have conveyed an idea of shorter duration to my uncle _Toby's_ mind.
+----The succession of his ideas was now rapid, --he broiled with
+impatience to put his design in execution; ----and so, without
+consulting farther with any soul living, --which, by the bye, I think is
+right, when you are predetermined to take no one soul's advice, ----he
+privately ordered _Trim_, his man, to pack up a bundle of lint and
+dressings, and hire a chariot-and-four to be at the door exactly by
+twelve o'clock that day, when he knew my father would be upon 'Change.
+----So leaving a banknote upon the table for the surgeon's care of him,
+and a letter of tender thanks for his brother's--he packed up his maps,
+his books of fortification, his instruments, &c., and by the help of a
+crutch on one side, and _Trim_ on the other, ----my uncle _Toby_
+embarked for _Shandy-Hall_.
+
+The reason, or rather the rise of this sudden demigration was as
+follows:
+
+The table in my uncle _Toby's_ room, and at which, the night before this
+change happened, he was sitting with his maps, &c., about him--being
+somewhat of the smallest, for that infinity of great and small
+instruments of knowledge which usually lay crowded upon it--he had the
+accident, in reaching over for his tobacco-box, to throw down his
+compasses, and in stooping to take the compasses up, with his sleeve he
+threw down his case of instruments and snuffers; --and as the dice took
+a run against him, in his endeavouring to catch the snuffers in falling,
+----he thrust Monsieur _Blondel_ off the table, and Count _de Pagan_
+o'top of him.
+
+'Twas to no purpose for a man, lame as my uncle _Toby_ was, to think of
+redressing these evils by himself, --he rung his bell for his man
+_Trim_; ------_Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, prithee see what confusion
+I have here been making --I must have some better contrivance, _Trim_.
+----Can'st not thou take my rule, and measure the length and breadth of
+this table, and then go and bespeak me one as big again? ----Yes, an'
+please your Honour, replied _Trim_, making a bow; but I hope your Honour
+will be soon well enough to get down to your country-seat, where, --as
+your Honour takes so much pleasure in fortification, we could manage
+this matter to a T.
+
+I must here inform you, that this servant of my uncle _Toby's_, who went
+by the name of _Trim_, had been a corporal in my uncle's own company,
+--his real name was _James Butler_, --but having got the nick-name of
+_Trim_ in the regiment, my uncle _Toby_, unless when he happened to be
+very angry with him, would never call him by any other name.
+
+The poor fellow had been disabled for the service, by a wound on his
+left knee by a musket-bullet, at the battle of _Landen_, which was two
+years before the affair of _Namur_; --and as the fellow was well-beloved
+in the regiment, and a handy fellow into the bargain, my uncle _Toby_
+took him for his servant; and of an excellent use was he, attending my
+uncle _Toby_ in the camp and in his quarters as a valet, groom, barber,
+cook, sempster, and nurse; and indeed, from first to last, waited upon
+him and served him with great fidelity and affection.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ loved the man in return, and what attached him more to
+him still, was the similitude of their knowledge. ----For Corporal
+_Trim_ (for so, for the future, I shall call him), by four years
+occasional attention to his Master's discourse upon fortified towns, and
+the advantage of prying and peeping continually into his Master's plans,
+&c., exclusive and besides what he gained HOBBY-HORSICALLY, as a
+body-servant, _Non Hobby Horsical per se_; ----had become no mean
+proficient in the science; and was thought, by the cook and
+chamber-maid, to know as much of the nature of strongholds as my uncle
+_Toby_ himself.
+
+I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal _Trim's_
+character, ----and it is the only dark line in it. --The fellow loved to
+advise, --or rather to hear himself talk; his carriage, however, was so
+perfectly respectful, 'twas easy to keep him silent when you had him so;
+but set his tongue a-going, --you had no hold of him--he was voluble;
+--the eternal interlardings of _your Honour_, with the respectfulness of
+Corporal _Trim's_ manner, interceding so strong in behalf of his
+elocution, --that though you might have been incommoded, ----you could
+not well be angry. My uncle _Toby_ was seldom either the one or the
+other with him, --or, at least, this fault, in _Trim_, broke no squares
+with them. My uncle _Toby_, as I said, loved the man; ----and besides,
+as he ever looked upon a faithful servant, --but as an humble friend,
+--he could not bear to stop his mouth. ----Such was Corporal _Trim_.
+
+If I durst presume, continued _Trim_, to give your Honour my advice, and
+speak my opinion in this matter. --Thou art welcome, _Trim_, quoth my
+uncle _Toby_--speak, ----speak what thou thinkest upon the subject, man,
+without fear. Why then, replied _Trim_ (not hanging his ears and
+scratching his head like a country-lout, but) stroking his hair back
+from his forehead, and standing erect as before his division, --I think,
+quoth _Trim_, advancing his left, which was his lame leg, a little
+forwards, --and pointing with his right hand open towards a map of
+_Dunkirk_, which was pinned against the hangings, ----I think, quoth
+Corporal _Trim_, with humble submission to your Honour's better
+judgment, ----that these ravelins, bastions, curtins, and horn-works,
+make but a poor, contemptible, fiddle-faddle piece of work of it here
+upon paper, compared to what your Honour and I could make of it were we
+in the country by ourselves, and had but a rood, or a rood and a half of
+ground to do what we pleased with: As summer is coming on, continued
+_Trim_, your Honour might sit out of doors, and give me the
+nography--(Call it ichnography, quoth my uncle)----of the town or
+citadel, your Honour was pleased to sit down before, --and I will be
+shot by your Honour upon the glacis of it, if I did not fortify it to
+your Honour's mind ----I dare say thou would'st, _Trim_, quoth my uncle.
+--For if your Honour, continued the Corporal, could but mark me the
+polygon, with its exact lines and angles --That I could do very well,
+quoth my uncle. --I would begin with the fossé, and if your Honour could
+tell me the proper depth and breadth --I can to a hair's breadth, _Trim_,
+replied my uncle. --I would throw out the earth upon this hand towards
+the town for the scarp, --and on that hand towards the campaign for the
+counterscarp. --Very right, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_: ----And when
+I had sloped them to your mind, ----an' please your Honour, I would face
+the glacis, as the finest fortifications are done in _Flanders_, with
+sods, ----and as your Honour knows they should be, --and I would make
+the walls and parapets with sods too. --The best engineers call them
+gazons, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_. ----Whether they are gazons or
+sods, is not much matter, replied _Trim_; your Honour knows they are ten
+times beyond a facing either of brick or stone. ----I know they are,
+_Trim_, in some respects, ----quoth my uncle _Toby_, nodding his head;
+--for a cannon-ball enters into the gazon right onwards, without
+bringing any rubbish down with it, which might fill the fossé (as was
+the case at _St. Nicolas's_ gate), and facilitate the passage over it.
+
+Your Honour understands these matters, replied Corporal _Trim_, better
+than any officer in his Majesty's service; ----but would your Honour
+please to let the bespeaking of the table alone, and let us but go into
+the country, I would work under your Honour's directions like a horse,
+and make fortifications for you something like a tansy, with all their
+batteries, saps, ditches, and palisadoes, that it should be worth all
+the world's riding twenty miles to go and see it.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ blushed as red as scarlet as _Trim_ went on; --but it
+was not a blush of guilt, --of modesty, --or of anger, --it was a blush
+of joy; --he was fired with Corporal _Trim's_ project and description.
+----_Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_, thou hast said enough. --We might
+begin the campaign, continued _Trim_, on the very day that his Majesty
+and the Allies take the field, and demolish them town by town as fast
+as--_Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, say no more. Your Honour, continued
+_Trim_, might sit in your arm-chair (pointing to it) this fine weather,
+giving me your orders, and I would ----Say no more, _Trim_, quoth my
+uncle _Toby_ ----Besides, your Honour would get not only pleasure and
+good pastime, --but good air, and good exercise, and good health, --and
+your Honour's wound would be well in a month. Thou hast said enough,
+_Trim_, --quoth my uncle _Toby_ (putting his hand into his
+breeches-pocket) ----I like thy project mightily. --And if your Honour
+pleases, I'll this moment go and buy a pioneer's spade to take down with
+us, and I'll bespeak a shovel and a pick-axe, and a couple of ----Say no
+more, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, leaping up upon one leg, quite
+overcome with rapture, --and thrusting a guinea into _Trim's_ hand,
+--_Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, say no more; --but go down, _Trim_, this
+moment, my lad, and bring up my supper this instant.
+
+_Trim_ ran down and brought up his master's supper, ----to no purpose:
+--_Trim's_ plan of operation ran so in my uncle _Toby's_ head, he could
+not taste it. --_Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, get me to bed. --'Twas
+all one. --Corporal _Trim's_ description had fired his imagination, --my
+uncle _Toby_ could not shut his eyes. --The more he considered it, the
+more bewitching the scene appeared to him; --so that, two full hours
+before day-light, he had come to a final determination, and had
+concerted the whole plan of his and Corporal _Trim's_ decampment.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ had a little neat country-house of his own, in the
+village where my father's estate lay at _Shandy_, which had been left
+him by an old uncle, with a small estate of about one hundred pounds
+a-year. Behind this house, and contiguous to it, was a kitchen-garden of
+about half an acre; and at the bottom of the garden, and cut off from it
+by a tall yew hedge, was a bowling-green, containing just about as much
+ground as Corporal _Trim_ wished for; --so that as _Trim_ uttered the
+words, "A rood and a half of ground to do what they would with," --this
+identical bowling-green instantly presented itself, and became curiously
+painted all at once, upon the retina of my uncle _Toby's_ fancy; --which
+was the physical cause of making him change colour, or at least of
+heightening his blush, to that immoderate degree I spoke of.
+
+Never did lover post down to a beloved mistress with more heat and
+expectation, than my uncle _Toby_ did, to enjoy this self-same thing in
+private; --I say in private; --for it was sheltered from the house, as I
+told you, by a tall yew hedge, and was covered on the other three sides,
+from mortal sight, by rough holly and thick-set flowering shrubs: --so
+that the idea of not being seen, did not a little contribute to the idea
+of pleasure pre-conceived in my uncle _Toby's_ mind. --Vain thought!
+however thick it was planted about, ----or private soever it might seem,
+--to think, dear uncle _Toby_, of enjoying a thing which took up a whole
+rood and a half of ground, ----and not have it known!
+
+How my uncle _Toby_ and Corporal _Trim_ managed this matter, ----with
+the history of their campaigns, which were no way barren of events,
+----may make no uninteresting under-plot in the epitasis and working-up
+of this drama. --At present the scene must drop, --and change for the
+parlour fire-side.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+----What can they be doing, brother? said my father. --I think, replied
+my uncle _Toby_, --taking, as I told you, his pipe from his mouth, and
+striking the ashes out of it as he began his sentence; ----I think,
+replied he, --it would not be amiss, brother, if we rung the bell.
+
+Pray, what's all that racket over our heads, _Obadiah?_ ----quoth my
+father; ----my brother and I can scarce hear ourselves speak.
+
+Sir, answered _Obadiah_, making a bow towards his left shoulder, --my
+Mistress is taken very badly. --And where's _Susannah_ running down the
+garden there, as if they were going to ravish her? ----Sir, she is
+running the shortest cut into the town, replied _Obadiah_, to fetch the
+old midwife. --Then saddle a horse, quoth my father, and do you go
+directly for Dr. _Slop_, the man-midwife, with all our services, ----and
+let him know your mistress is fallen into labour----and that I desire he
+will return with you with all speed.
+
+It is very strange, says my father, addressing himself to my uncle
+_Toby_, as _Obadiah_ shut the door, ----as there is so expert an
+operator as Dr. _Slop_ so near, --that my wife should persist to the
+very last in this obstinate humour of hers, in trusting the life of my
+child, who has had one misfortune already, to the ignorance of an old
+woman; ----and not only the life of my child, brother, ----but her own
+life, and with it the lives of all the children I might, peradventure,
+have begot out of her hereafter.
+
+Mayhap, brother, replied my uncle _Toby_, my sister does it to save the
+expense: --A pudding's end, --replied my father, ----the Doctor must be
+paid the same for inaction as action, ----if not better, --to keep him
+in temper.
+
+----Then it can be out of nothing in the whole world, quoth my uncle
+_Toby_, in the simplicity of his heart, --but MODESTY. --My sister,
+I dare say, added he, does not care to let a man come so near her ****.
+I will not say whether my uncle _Toby_ had completed the sentence or
+not; ----'tis for his advantage to suppose he had, ----as, I think, he
+could have added no ONE WORD which would have improved it.
+
+If, on the contrary, my uncle _Toby_ had not fully arrived at the
+period's end, --then the world stands indebted to the sudden snapping of
+my father's tobacco-pipe for one of the neatest examples of that
+ornamental figure in oratory, which Rhetoricians stile the
+_Aposiopesis_. ----Just Heaven! how does the _Poco piu_ and the _Poco
+meno_ of the _Italian_ artists; --the insensible MORE OR LESS, determine
+the precise line of beauty in the sentence, as well as in the statute!
+How do the slight touches of the chisel, the pencil, the pen, the
+fiddle-stick, _et cćtera_, --give the true swell, which gives the true
+pleasure! --O my countrymen; --be nice; --be cautious of your language;
+--and never, O! never let it be forgotten upon what small particles your
+eloquence and your fame depend.
+
+----"My sister, mayhap," quoth my uncle _Toby_, "does not choose to let
+a man come so near her ****." Make this dash, --'tis an Aposiopesis.
+--Take the dash away, and write _Backside_, ----'tis Bawdy. --Scratch
+Backside out, and put _Cover'd way_ in, 'tis a Metaphor; --and, I dare
+say, as fortification ran so much in my uncle _Toby's_ head, that if he
+had been left to have added one word to the sentence, ----that word was
+it.
+
+But whether that was the case or not the case; --or whether the snapping
+of my father's tobacco-pipe, so critically, happened through accident or
+anger, will be seen in due time.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+Tho' my father was a good natural philosopher, --yet he was something of
+a moral philosopher too; for which reason, when his tobacco-pipe snapp'd
+short in the middle, --he had nothing to do, as such, but to have taken
+hold of the two pieces, and thrown them gently upon the back of the
+fire. ----He did no such thing; ----he threw them with all the violence
+in the world; --and, to give the action still more emphasis, --he
+started upon both his legs to do it.
+
+This looked something like heat; --and the manner of his reply to what
+my uncle _Toby_ was saying, proved it was so.
+
+--"Not choose," quoth my father, (repeating my uncle _Toby's_ words) "to
+let a man come so near her!" ----By Heaven, brother _Toby!_ you would
+try the patience of _Job_; --and I think I have the plagues of one
+already without it. ----Why? ----Where? ----Wherein? ----Wherefore?
+----Upon what account? replied my uncle _Toby_, in the utmost
+astonishment. --To think, said my father, of a man living to your age,
+brother, and knowing so little about women! ----I know nothing at all
+about them, --replied my uncle _Toby_: And I think, continued he, that
+the shock I received the year after the demolition of _Dunkirk_, in my
+affair with widow _Wadman_; --which shock you know I should not have
+received, but from my total ignorance of the sex, --has given me just
+cause to say, That I neither know nor do pretend to know anything about
+'em or their concerns either. --Methinks, brother, replied my father,
+you might, at least, know so much as the right end of a woman from the
+wrong.
+
+It is said in _Aristotle's_ _Master Piece_, "That when a man doth think
+of anything which is past, ----he looketh down upon the ground; ----but
+that when he thinketh of something that is to come, he looketh up
+towards the heavens."
+
+My uncle _Toby_, I suppose, thought of neither, for he look'd
+horizontally. --Right end! quoth my uncle _Toby_, muttering the two
+words low to himself, and fixing his two eyes insensibly as he muttered
+them, upon a small crevice, formed by a bad joint in the
+chimney-piece ----Right end of a woman! ----I declare, quoth my uncle,
+I know no more which it is than the man in the moon; ----and if I was to
+think, continued my uncle _Toby_ (keeping his eye still fixed upon the
+bad joint) this month together, I am sure I should not be able to find
+it out.
+
+Then, brother _Toby_, replied my father, I will tell you.
+
+Everything in this world, continued my father (filling a fresh
+pipe)--every thing in this world, my dear brother _Toby_, has two
+handles. ----Not always, quoth my uncle _Toby_. ----At least, replied my
+father, everyone has two hands, ----which comes to the same thing.
+----Now, if a man was to sit down coolly, and consider within himself
+the make, the shape, the construction, come-at-ability, and convenience
+of all the parts which constitute the whole of that animal, called
+Woman, and compare them analogically ----I never understood rightly the
+meaning of that word, --quoth my uncle _Toby_.--
+
+ANALOGY, replied my father, is the certain relation and agreement which
+different ----Here a devil of a rap at the door snapped my father's
+definition (like his tobacco-pipe) in two, --and, at the same time,
+crushed the head of as notable and curious a dissertation as ever was
+engendered in the womb of speculation; --it was some months before my
+father could get an opportunity to be safely delivered of it: --And, at
+this hour, it is a thing full as problematical as the subject of the
+dissertation itself, --(considering the confusion and distresses of our
+domestick misadventures, which are now coming thick one upon the back of
+another) whether I shall be able to find a place for it in the third
+volume or not.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+It is about an hour and a half's tolerable good reading since my uncle
+_Toby_ rung the bell, when _Obadiah_ was ordered to saddle a horse, and
+go for Dr. _Slop_, the man-midwife; --so that no one can say, with
+reason, that I have not allowed _Obadiah_ time enough, poetically
+speaking, and considering the emergency too, both to go and come;
+----though, morally and truly speaking, the man perhaps has scarce had
+time to get on his boots.
+
+If the hypercritick will go upon this; and is resolved after all to take
+a pendulum, and measure the true distance betwixt the ringing of the
+bell, and the rap at the door; --and, after finding it to be no more
+than two minutes, thirteen seconds, and three fifths, --should take upon
+him to insult over me for such a breach in the unity, or rather
+probability of time; --I would remind him, that the idea of duration,
+and of its simple modes, is got merely from the train and succession of
+our ideas, ----and is the true scholastic pendulum, ----and by which, as
+a scholar, I will be tried in this matter, --abjuring and detesting the
+jurisdiction of all other pendulums whatever.
+
+I would therefore desire him to consider that it is but poor eight miles
+from _Shandy-Hall_ to Dr. _Slop_, the man-midwife's house; --and that
+whilst _Obadiah_ has been going those said miles and back, I have
+brought my uncle _Toby_ from _Namur_, quite across all _Flanders_, into
+_England_: --That I have had him ill upon my hands near four years;
+--and have since travelled him and Corporal _Trim_ in a
+chariot-and-four, a journey of near two hundred miles down into
+_Yorkshire_, ----all which put together, must have prepared the reader's
+imagination for the entrance of Dr. _Slop_ upon the stage, --as much, at
+least (I hope) as a dance, a song, or a concerto between the acts.
+
+If my hypercritick is intractable, alledging, that two minutes and
+thirteen seconds are no more than two minutes and thirteen seconds,
+--when I have said all I can about them; and that this plea, though it
+might save me dramatically, will damn me biographically, rendering my
+book from this very moment, a professed ROMANCE, which, before, was a
+book apocryphal: ----If I am thus pressed --I then put an end to the
+whole objection and controversy about it all at once, ----by acquainting
+him, that _Obadiah_ had not got above threescore yards from the
+stable-yard before he met with Dr. _Slop_; --and indeed he gave a
+dirty proof that he had met with him, and was within an ace of giving a
+tragical one too.
+
+Imagine to yourself; --but this had better begin a new chapter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+Imagine to yourself a little squat, uncourtly figure of a Doctor _Slop_,
+of about four feet and a half perpendicular height, with a breadth of
+back, and a sesquipedality of belly, which might have done honour to a
+serjeant in the horse-guards.
+
+Such were the out-lines of Dr. _Slop's_ figure, which, --if you have
+read _Hogarth's_ analysis of beauty, and if you have not, I wish you
+would; ----you must know, may as certainly be caricatured, and conveyed
+to the mind by three strokes as three hundred.
+
+Imagine such a one, ----for such, I say, were the outlines of Dr.
+_Slop's_ figure, coming slowly along, foot by foot, waddling thro' the
+dirt upon the vertebrć of a little diminutive pony, of a pretty
+colour----but of strength, ----alack! ----scarce able to have made an
+amble of it, under such a fardel, had the roads been in an ambling
+condition. ----They were not. ----Imagine to yourself, _Obadiah_ mounted
+upon a strong monster of a coach-horse, pricked into a full gallop, and
+making all practicable speed the adverse way.
+
+Pray, Sir, let me interest you a moment in this description.
+
+Had Dr. _Slop_ beheld _Obadiah_ a mile off, posting in a narrow lane
+directly towards him, at that monstrous rate, --splashing and plunging
+like a devil thro' thick and thin, as he approached, would not such a
+phćnomenon, with such a vortex of mud and water moving along with it,
+round its axis, --have been a subject of juster apprehension to Dr.
+_Slop_ in his situation, than the _worst_ of _Whiston's_ comets? --To
+say nothing of the NUCLEUS; that is, of _Obadiah_ and the coach-horse.
+--In my idea, the vortex alone of 'em was enough to have involved and
+carried, if not the doctor, at least the doctor's pony, quite away with
+it. What then do you think must the terror and hydrophobia of Dr. _Slop_
+have been, when you read (which you are just going to do) that he was
+advancing thus warily along towards _Shandy-Hall_, and had approached to
+within sixty yards of it, and within five yards of a sudden turn, made
+by an acute angle of the garden-wall, --and in the dirtiest part of a
+dirty lane, --when _Obadiah_ and his coach-horse turned the corner,
+rapid, furious, --pop, --full upon him! --Nothing, I think, in nature,
+can be supposed more terrible than such a rencounter, --so imprompt! so
+ill prepared to stand the shock of it as Dr. _Slop_ was.
+
+What could Dr. _Slop_ do? ----he crossed himself + --Pugh! --but the
+doctor, Sir, was a Papist. --No matter; he had better have kept hold of
+the pummel --He had so; --nay, as it happened, he had better have done
+nothing at all; for in crossing himself he let go his whip, ----and in
+attempting to save his whip betwixt his knee and his saddle's skirt, as
+it slipped, he lost his stirrup, ----in losing which he lost his seat;
+----and in the multitude of all these losses (which, by the bye, shews
+what little advantage there is in crossing) the unfortunate doctor lost
+his presence of mind. So that without waiting for _Obadiah's_ onset, he
+left his pony to its destiny, tumbling off it diagonally, something in
+the stile and manner of a pack of wool, and without any other
+consequence from the fall, save that of being left (as it would have
+been) with the broadest part of him sunk about twelve inches deep in the
+mire.
+
+_Obadiah_ pull'd off his cap twice to Dr. _Slop_; --once as he was
+falling, --and then again when he saw him seated. ----Ill-timed
+complaisance; --had not the fellow better have stopped his horse, and
+got off and help'd him? --Sir, he did all that his situation would
+allow; --but the MOMENTUM of the coach-horse was so great, that
+_Obadiah_ could not do it all at once; he rode in a circle three times
+round Dr. _Slop_, before he could fully accomplish it any how; --and at
+the last, when he did stop his beast, 'twas done with such an explosion
+of mud, that _Obadiah_ had better have been a league off. In short,
+never was a Dr. _Slop_ so beluted, and so transubstantiated, since that
+affair came into fashion.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+When Dr. _Slop_ entered the back parlour, where my father and my uncle
+_Toby_ were discoursing upon the nature of women, ----it was hard to
+determine whether Dr. _Slop's_ figure, or Dr. _Slop's_ presence,
+occasioned more surprize to them; for as the accident happened so near
+the house, as not to make it worth while for _Obadiah_ to remount him,
+----Obadiah had led him in as he was, _unwiped_, _unappointed_,
+_unannealed_, with all his stains and blotches on him. --He stood like
+_Hamlet's_ ghost, motionless and speechless, for a full minute and a
+half at the parlour-door (_Obadiah_ still holding his hand) with all the
+majesty of mud. His hinder parts, upon which he had received his fall,
+totally besmeared, ----and in every other part of him, blotched over in
+such a manner with _Obadiah's_ explosion, that you would have sworn
+(without mental reservation) that every grain of it had taken effect.
+
+Here was a fair opportunity for my uncle _Toby_ to have triumphed over
+my father in his turn; --for no mortal, who had beheld Dr. _Slop_ in
+that pickle, could have dissented from so much at least, of my uncle
+_Toby's_ opinion, "That mayhap his sister might not care to let such a
+Dr. _Slop_ come so near her ****." But it was the _Argumentum ad
+hominem_; and if my uncle _Toby_ was not very expert at it, you may
+think, he might not care to use it. ----No; the reason was, --'twas not
+his nature to insult.
+
+Dr. _Slop's_ presence at that time, was no less problematical than the
+mode of it; tho' it is certain, one moment's reflexion in my father
+might have solved it; for he had apprized Dr. _Slop_ but the week
+before, that my mother was at her full reckoning; and as the doctor had
+heard nothing since, 'twas natural and very political too in him, to
+have taken a ride to _Shandy-Hall_, as he did, merely to see how matters
+went on.
+
+But my father's mind took unfortunately a wrong turn in the
+investigation; running, like the hypercritick's, altogether upon the
+ringing of the bell and the rap upon the door, --measuring their
+distance, and keeping his mind so intent upon the operation as to have
+power to think of nothing else, ----common-place infirmity of the
+greatest mathematicians! working with might and main at the
+demonstration, and so wasting all their strength upon it, that they have
+none left in them to draw the corollary, to do good with.
+
+The ringing of the bell, and the rap upon the door, struck likewise
+strong upon the sensorium of my uncle _Toby_, --but it excited a very
+different train of thoughts; --the two irreconcileable pulsations
+instantly brought _Stevinus_, the great engineer, along with them, into
+my uncle _Toby's_ mind. What business _Stevinus_ had in this affair,
+--is the greatest problem of all: ----It shall be solved, --but not in
+the next chapter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+Writing, when properly managed (as you may be sure I think mine is) is
+but a different name for conversation. As no one, who knows what he is
+about in good company, would venture to talk all; ----so no author, who
+understands the just boundaries of decorum and good-breeding, would
+presume to think all: The truest respect which you can pay to the
+reader's understanding, is to halve this matter amicably, and leave him
+something to imagine, in his turn, as well as yourself.
+
+For my own part, I am eternally paying him compliments of this kind, and
+do all that lies in my power to keep his imagination as busy as my own.
+
+'Tis his turn now; --I have given an ample description of Dr. _Slop's_
+sad overthrow, and of his sad appearance in the back-parlour; --his
+imagination must now go on with it for a while.
+
+Let the reader imagine then, that Dr. _Slop_ has told his tale--and in
+what words, and with what aggravations, his fancy chooses; --Let him
+suppose, that _Obadiah_ has told his tale also, and with such rueful
+looks of affected concern, as he thinks best will contrast the two
+figures as they stand by each other. ----Let him imagine, that my father
+has stepped upstairs to see my mother. --And, to conclude this work of
+imagination--let him imagine the doctor washed, --rubbed down, and
+condoled, --felicitated, --got into a pair of _Obadiah's_ pumps,
+stepping forwards towards the door, upon the very point of entering upon
+action.
+
+Truce! --truce, good Dr. _Slop_: --stay thy obstetrick hand; ----return
+it safe into thy bosom to keep it warm; ----little dost thou know what
+obstacles, ------little dost thou think what hidden causes, retard its
+operation! ----Hast thou, Dr. _Slop_, --hast thou been intrusted with
+the secret articles of the solemn treaty which has brought thee into
+this place? --Art thou aware that at this instant, a daughter of
+_Lucina_ is put obstetrically over thy head? Alas! --'tis too true.
+--Besides, great son of _Pilumnus!_ what canst thou do? --Thou hast come
+forth unarm'd; --thou hast left thy _tire-tęte_, --thy new-invented
+_forceps_, --thy _crotchet_, --thy _squirt_, and all thy instruments of
+salvation and deliverance, behind thee, --By Heaven! at this moment they
+are hanging up in a green bays bag, betwixt thy two pistols, at the
+bed's head! --Ring; --call; --send _Obadiah_ back upon the coach-horse
+to bring them with all speed.
+
+----Make great haste, _Obadiah_, quoth my father, and I'll give thee a
+crown! --and quoth my uncle _Toby_, I'll give him another.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+Your sudden and unexpected arrival, quoth my uncle _Toby_, addressing
+himself to Dr. _Slop_ (all three of them sitting down to the fire
+together, as my uncle _Toby_ began to speak)--instantly brought the
+great _Stevinus_ into my head, who, you must know, is a favourite author
+with me. --Then, added my father, making use of the argument _Ad
+Crumenam_, --I will lay twenty guineas to a single crown-piece (which
+will serve to give away to _Obadiah_ when he gets back) that this same
+_Stevinus_ was some engineer or other, --or has wrote something or
+other, either directly or indirectly, upon the science of fortification.
+
+He has so, --replied my uncle _Toby_. --I knew it, said my father,
+though, for the soul of me, I cannot see what kind of connection there
+can be betwixt Dr. _Slop's_ sudden coming, and a discourse upon
+fortification; --yet I fear'd it. --Talk of what we will, brother,
+----or let the occasion be never so foreign or unfit for the subject,
+--you are sure to bring it in. I would not, brother _Toby_, continued my
+father, ------I declare I would not have my head so full of curtins and
+hornworks. --That I dare say you would not, quoth Dr. _Slop_,
+interrupting him, and laughing most immoderately at his pun.
+
+_Dennis_ the critic could not detest and abhor a pun, or the insinuation
+of a pun, more cordially than my father; --he would grow testy upon it
+at any time; --but to be broke in upon by one, in a serious discourse,
+was as bad, he would say, as a fillip upon the nose; ----he saw no
+difference.
+
+Sir, quoth my uncle _Toby_, addressing himself to Dr. _Slop_, --the
+curtins my brother _Shandy_ mentions here, have nothing to do with
+bedsteads; --tho', I know _Du Cange_ says, "That bed-curtains, in all
+probability, have taken their name from them;" --nor have the hornworks
+he speaks of, anything in the world to do with the horn-works of
+cuckoldom: --But the _Curtin_, Sir, is the word we use in fortification,
+for that part of the wall or rampart which lies between the two bastions
+and joins them --Besiegers seldom offer to carry on their attacks
+directly against the curtin, for this reason, because they are so well
+_flanked_. ('Tis the case of other curtains, quoth Dr. _Slop_,
+laughing.) However, continued my uncle _Toby_, to make them sure, we
+generally choose to place ravelins before them, taking care only to
+extend them beyond the fossé or ditch: ----The common men, who know very
+little of fortification, confound the ravelin and the half-moon
+together, --tho' they are very different things; --not in their figure
+or construction, for we make them exactly alike, in all points; --for
+they always consist of two faces, making a salient angle, with the
+gorges, not straight, but in form of a crescent: ----Where then lies the
+difference? (quoth my father, a little testily). --In their situations,
+answered my uncle _Toby_: --For when a ravelin, brother, stands before
+the curtin, it is a ravelin; and when a ravelin stands before a bastion,
+then the ravelin is not a ravelin; --it is a half-moon; --a half-moon
+likewise is a half-moon, and no more, so long as it stands before its
+bastion; ----but was it to change place, and get before the curtin,
+--'twould be no longer a half-moon; a half-moon, in that case, is not a
+half-moon; --'tis no more than a ravelin. ----I think, quoth my father,
+that the noble science of defence has its weak sides----as well as
+others.
+
+--As for the horn-work (high! ho! sigh'd my father) which, continued my
+uncle _Toby_, my brother was speaking of, they are a very considerable
+part of an outwork; ----they are called by the _French_ engineers,
+_Ouvrage ŕ corne_, and we generally make them to cover such places as we
+suspect to be weaker than the rest; --'tis formed by two epaulments or
+demi-bastions--they are very pretty, --and if you will take a walk, I'll
+engage to shew you one well worth your trouble. --I own, continued my
+uncle _Toby_, when we crown them, --they are much stronger, but then
+they are very expensive, and take up a great deal of ground, so that, in
+my opinion, they are most of use to cover or defend the head of a camp;
+otherwise the double tenaille --By the mother who bore us! ----brother
+_Toby_, quoth my father, not able to hold out any longer, ----you would
+provoke a saint; ----here have you got us, I know not how, not only
+souse into the middle of the old subject again: --But so full is your
+head of these confounded works, that though my wife is this moment in
+the pains of labour, and you hear her cry out, yet nothing will serve
+you but to carry off the man-midwife. ----_Accoucheur_, --if you please,
+quoth Dr. _Slop_. ----With all my heart, replied my father, I don't care
+what they call you, --but I wish the whole science of fortification,
+with all its inventors, at the devil; --it has been the death of
+thousands, --and it will be mine in the end, --I would not, I would not,
+brother _Toby_, have my brains so full of saps, mines, blinds, gabions,
+pallisadoes, ravelins, half-moons, and such trumpery, to be proprietor
+of _Namur_, and of all the towns in _Flanders_ with it.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ was a man patient of injuries; --not from want of
+courage, --I have told you in a former chapter, "that he was a man of
+courage:" --And will add here, that where just occasions presented, or
+called it forth, --I know no man under whose arm I would have sooner
+taken shelter; ----nor did this arise from any insensibility or
+obtuseness of his intellectual parts; --for he felt this insult of my
+father's as feelingly as a man could do; --but he was of a peaceful,
+placid nature, --no jarring element in it, --all was mixed up so kindly
+within him; my uncle _Toby_ had scarce a heart to retaliate upon a fly.
+
+--Go--says he, one day at dinner, to an over-grown one which had buzzed
+about his nose, and tormented him cruelly all dinner-time, --and which
+after infinite attempts, he had caught at last, as it flew by him;
+--I'll not hurt thee, says my uncle _Toby_, rising from his chair, and
+going across the room, with the fly in his hand, ----I'll not hurt a
+hair of thy head: --Go, says he, lifting up the sash, and opening his
+hand as he spoke, to let it escape; --go, poor devil, get thee gone, why
+should I hurt thee? ----This world surely is wide enough to hold both
+thee and me.
+
+I was but ten years old when this happened: but whether it was, that the
+action itself was more in unison to my nerves at that age of pity, which
+instantly set my whole frame into one vibration of most pleasurable
+sensation; --or how far the manner and expression of it might go towards
+it; --or in what degree, or by what secret magick, --a tone of voice and
+harmony of movement, attuned by mercy, might find a passage to my heart,
+I know not; --this I know, that the lesson of universal good-will then
+taught and imprinted by my uncle _Toby_, has never since been worn out
+of my mind: And tho' I would not depreciate what the study of the
+_Literć humaniores_, at the university, have done for me in that
+respect, or discredit the other helps of an expensive education bestowed
+upon me, both at home and abroad since; --yet I often think that I owe
+one half of my philanthropy to that one accidental impression.
+
+[-->] This is to serve for parents and governors instead of a whole
+volume upon the subject.
+
+I could not give the reader this stroke in my uncle _Toby's_ picture, by
+the instrument with which I drew the other parts of it, --that taking in
+no more than the mere HOBBY-HORSICAL likeness: ----this is a part of his
+moral character. My father, in this patient endurance of wrongs, which I
+mention, was very different, as the reader must long ago have noted; he
+had a much more acute and quick sensibility of nature, attended with a
+little soreness of temper; tho' this never transported him to anything
+which looked like malignancy: --yet in the little rubs and vexations of
+life, 'twas apt to shew itself in a drollish and witty kind of
+peevishness: ----He was, however, frank and generous in his nature;
+----at all times open to conviction; and in the little ebullitions of
+this subacid humour towards others, but particularly towards my uncle
+_Toby_, whom he truly loved: ----he would feel more pain, ten times told
+(except in the affair of my aunt _Dinah_, or where an hypothesis was
+concerned) than what he ever gave.
+
+The characters of the two brothers, in this view of them, reflected
+light upon each other, and appeared with great advantage in this affair
+which arose about _Stevinus_.
+
+I need not tell the reader, if he keeps a HOBBY-HORSE, ----that a man's
+HOBBY-HORSE is as tender a part as he has about him; and that these
+unprovoked strokes at my uncle _Toby's_ could not be unfelt by him.
+----No: ------as I said above, my uncle _Toby_ did feel them, and very
+sensibly too.
+
+Pray, Sir, what said he? --How did he behave? --O, Sir! --it was great:
+For as soon as my father had done insulting his HOBBY-HORSE, ------he
+turned his head without the least emotion, from Dr. _Slop_, to whom he
+was addressing his discourse, and looking up into my father's face, with
+a countenance spread over with so much good-nature; ----so placid;
+----so fraternal; ----so inexpressibly tender towards him: --it
+penetrated my father to his heart: He rose up hastily from his chair,
+and seizing hold of both my uncle _Toby's_ hands as he spoke: --Brother
+_Toby_, said he, --I beg thy pardon; ----forgive, I pray thee, this rash
+humour which my mother gave me. ----My dear, dear brother, answered my
+uncle _Toby_, rising up by my father's help, say no more about it; --you
+are heartily welcome, had it been ten times as much, brother. But 'tis
+ungenerous, replied my father, to hurt any man; ----a brother worse;
+----but to hurt a brother of such gentle manners, --so unprovoking,
+--and so unresenting; ----'tis base: ----By Heaven, 'tis cowardly. --You
+are heartily welcome, brother, quoth my uncle _Toby_, ------had it been
+fifty times as much. ----Besides, what have I to do, my dear _Toby_,
+cried my father, either with your amusements or your pleasures, unless
+it was in my power (which it is not) to increase their measure?
+
+----Brother _Shandy_, answered my uncle _Toby_, looking wistfully in his
+face, ----you are much mistaken in this point: --for you do increase my
+pleasure very much, in begetting children for the _Shandy_ family at
+your time of life. --But, by that, Sir, quoth Dr. _Slop_, Mr. _Shandy_
+increases his own. --Not a jot, quoth my father.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+My brother does it, quoth my uncle _Toby_, out of _principle_. ----In a
+family way, I suppose, quoth Dr. _Slop_. ----Pshaw! --said my father,
+--'tis not worth talking of.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+At the end of the last chapter, my father and my uncle _Toby_ were left
+both standing, like _Brutus_ and _Cassius_, at the close of the scene,
+making up their accounts.
+
+As my father spoke the three last words, ----he sat down; --my uncle
+_Toby_ exactly followed his example, only, that before he took his
+chair, he rung the bell, to order Corporal _Trim_, who was in waiting,
+to step home for _Stevinus_: --my uncle _Toby's_ house being no farther
+off than the opposite side of the way.
+
+Some men would have dropped the subject of _Stevinus_; ----but my uncle
+_Toby_ had no resentment in his heart, and he went on with the subject,
+to shew my father that he had none.
+
+Your sudden appearance, Dr. _Slop_, quoth my uncle, resuming the
+discourse, instantly brought _Stevinus_ into my head. (My father, you
+may be sure, did not offer to lay any more wagers upon _Stevinus's_
+head.) ----Because, continued my uncle _Toby_, the celebrated sailing
+chariot, which belonged to Prince _Maurice_, and was of such wonderful
+contrivance and velocity, as to carry half a dozen people thirty
+_German_ miles, in I don't know how few minutes, ----was invented by
+_Stevinus_, that great mathematician and engineer.
+
+You might have spared your servant the trouble, quoth Dr. _Slop_ (as the
+fellow is lame) of going for _Stevinus's_ account of it, because in my
+return from _Leyden_ thro' the _Hague_, I walked as far as _Schevling_,
+which is two long miles, on purpose to take a view of it.
+
+That's nothing, replied my uncle _Toby_, to what the learned
+_Peireskius_ did, who walked a matter of five hundred miles, reckoning
+from _Paris_ to _Schevling_, and from _Schevling_ to _Paris_ back again,
+in order to see it, --and nothing else.
+
+Some men cannot bear to be out-gone.
+
+The more fool _Peireskius_, replied Dr. _Slop_. But mark, 'twas out of
+no contempt of _Peireskius_ at all; ----but that _Peireskius's_
+indefatigable labour in trudging so far on foot, out of love for the
+sciences, reduced the exploit of Dr. _Slop_, in that affair, to nothing:
+--the more fool _Peireskius_, said he again. --Why so? --replied my
+father, taking his brother's part, not only to make reparation as fast
+as he could for the insult he had given him, which sat still upon my
+father's mind; ----but partly, that my father began really to interest
+himself in the discourse. ----Why so? ----said he. Why is _Peireskius_,
+or any man else, to be abused for an appetite for that, or any other
+morsel of sound knowledge: For notwithstanding I know nothing of the
+chariot in question, continued he, the inventor of it must have had a
+very mechanical head; and tho' I cannot guess upon what principles of
+philosophy he has atchieved it; --yet certainly his machine has been
+constructed upon solid ones, be they what they will, or it could not
+have answered at the rate my brother mentions.
+
+It answered, replied my uncle _Toby_, as well, if not better; for, as
+_Peireskius_ elegantly expresses it, speaking of the velocity of its
+motion, _Tam citus erat, quam erat ventus_; which, unless I have forgot
+my Latin, is, _that it was as swift as the wind itself_.
+
+But pray, Dr. _Slop_, quoth my father, interrupting my uncle (tho' not
+without begging pardon for it at the same time) upon what principles was
+this self-same chariot set a-going? --Upon very pretty principles to be
+sure, replied Dr. _Slop_: --And I have often wondered, continued he,
+evading the question, why none of our gentry, who live upon large plains
+like this of ours, --(especially they whose wives are not past
+child-bearing) attempt nothing of this kind; for it would not only be
+infinitely expeditious upon sudden calls, to which the sex is subject,
+--if the wind only served, --but would be excellent good husbandry to
+make use of the winds, which cost nothing, and which eat nothing, rather
+than horses, which (the devil take 'em) both cost and eat a great deal.
+
+For that very reason, replied my father, "Because they cost nothing, and
+because they eat nothing," --the scheme is bad; --it is the consumption
+of our products, as well as the manufactures of them, which gives bread
+to the hungry, circulates trade, --brings in money, and supports the
+value of our lands: --and tho', I own, if I was a Prince, I would
+generously recompense the scientifick head which brought forth such
+contrivances; --yet I would as peremptorily suppress the use of them.
+
+My father here had got into his element, ----and was going on as
+prosperously with his dissertation upon trade, as my uncle _Toby_ had
+before, upon his of fortification; --but to the loss of much sound
+knowledge, the destinies in the morning had decreed that no dissertation
+of any kind should be spun by my father that day, ----for as he opened
+his mouth to begin the next sentence.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+In popped Corporal _Trim_ with _Stevinus_: --But 'twas too late, --all
+the discourse had been exhausted without him, and was running into a new
+channel. --You may take the book home again, _Trim_, said my uncle
+_Toby_, nodding to him.
+
+But prithee, Corporal, quoth my father, drolling, --look first into it,
+and see if thou canst spy aught of a sailing chariot in it.
+
+Corporal _Trim_, by being in the service, had learned to obey, --and not
+to remonstrate; --so taking the book to a side-table, and running over
+the leaves; An' please your Honour, said _Trim_, I can see no such
+thing; --however, continued the Corporal, drolling a little in his turn,
+I'll make sure work of it, an' please your Honour; --so taking hold of
+the two covers of the book, one in each hand, and letting the leaves
+fall down, as he bent the covers back, he gave the book a good sound
+shake.
+
+There is something falling out, however, said _Trim_, an' please your
+Honour; --but it is not a chariot, or anything like one: --Prithee,
+Corporal, said my father, smiling, what is it then? --I think, answered
+_Trim_, stooping to take it up, ----'tis more like a sermon, ------for
+it begins with a text of scripture, and the chapter and verse; --and
+then goes on, not as a chariot, but like a sermon directly.
+
+The company smiled.
+
+I cannot conceive how it is possible, quoth my uncle _Toby_, for such a
+thing as a sermon to have got into my _Stevinus_.
+
+I think 'tis a sermon, replied _Trim_; --but if it please your Honours,
+as it is a fair hand, I will read you a page; --for _Trim_, you must
+know, loved to hear himself read almost as well as talk.
+
+I have ever a strong propensity, said my father, to look into things
+which cross my way, by such strange fatalities as these; --and as we
+have nothing better to do, at least till _Obadiah_ gets back, I shall be
+obliged to you, brother, if Dr. _Slop_ has no objection to it, to order
+the Corporal to give us a page or two of it, --if he is as able to do
+it, as he seems willing. An' please your Honour, quoth _Trim_, I
+officiated two whole campaigns, in _Flanders_, as clerk to the chaplain
+of the regiment. ----He can read it, quoth my uncle _Toby_, as well as I
+can. ----_Trim_, I assure you, was the best scholar in my company, and
+should have had the next halberd, but for the poor fellow's misfortune.
+Corporal _Trim_ laid his hand upon his heart, and made an humble bow to
+his master; --then laying down his hat upon the floor, and taking up the
+sermon in his left hand, in order to have his right at liberty, ----he
+advanced, nothing doubting, into the middle of the room, where he could
+best see, and be best seen by his audience.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+--If you have any objection, --said my father, addressing himself to Dr.
+_Slop_. Not in the least, replied Dr. _Slop_; --for it does not appear
+on which side of the question it is wrote; ----it may be a composition
+of a divine of our church, as well as yours, --so that we run equal
+risques. ----'Tis wrote upon neither side, quoth _Trim_, for 'tis only
+upon _Conscience_, an' please your Honours.
+
+_Trim's_ reason put his audience into good-humour, --all but Dr. _Slop_,
+who turning his head about towards _Trim_, looked a little angry.
+
+Begin, _Trim_, --and read distinctly, quoth my father. --I will, an'
+please your Honour, replied the Corporal, making a bow, and bespeaking
+attention with a slight movement of his right hand.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+----But before the Corporal begins, I must first give you a description
+of his attitude; ----otherwise he will naturally stand represented, by
+your imagination, in an uneasy posture, --stiff, --perpendicular,
+--dividing the weight of his body equally upon both legs; ----his eye
+fixed, as if on duty; --his look determined, --clenching the sermon in
+his left hand, like his firelock. ----In a word, you would be apt to
+paint _Trim_, as if he was standing in his platoon ready for action.
+--His attitude was as unlike all this as you can conceive.
+
+He stood before them with his body swayed, and bent forwards just so
+far, as to make an angle of 85 degrees and a half upon the plain of the
+horizon; --which sound orators, to whom I address this, know very well
+to be the true persuasive angle of incidence; --in any other angle you
+may talk and preach; --'tis certain; --and it is done every day; --but
+with what effect, --I leave the world to judge!
+
+The necessity of this precise angle, of 85 degrees and a half to a
+mathematical exactness, ----does it not shew us, by the way, how the
+arts and sciences mutually befriend each other?
+
+How the duce Corporal _Trim_, who knew not so much as an acute angle
+from an obtuse one, came to hit it so exactly; ----or whether it was
+chance or nature, or good sense or imitation, &c., shall be commented
+upon in that part of the cyclopćdia of arts and sciences, where the
+instrumental parts of the eloquence of the senate, the pulpit, and the
+bar, the coffee-house, the bed-chamber, and fire-side, fall under
+consideration.
+
+He stood, ----for I repeat it, to take the picture of him in at one
+view, with his body swayed, and somewhat bent forwards, --his right leg
+from under him, sustaining seven-eighths of his whole weight, ------the
+foot of his left leg, the defect of which was no disadvantage to his
+attitude, advanced a little, --not laterally, nor forwards, but in a
+line betwixt them; --his knee bent, but that not violently, --but so as
+to fall within the limits of the line of beauty; --and I add, of the
+line of science too; --for consider, it had one eighth part of his body
+to bear up; --so that in this case the position of the leg is
+determined, --because the foot could be no farther advanced, or the knee
+more bent, than what would allow him, mechanically to receive an eighth
+part of his whole weight under it, and to carry it too.
+
+[-->] This I recommend to painters: --need I add, --to orators! --I
+think not; for unless they practise it, ------they must fall upon their
+noses.
+
+So much for Corporal _Trim's_ body and legs. ----He held the sermon
+loosely, not carelessly, in his left hand, raised something above his
+stomach, and detached a little from his breast; ----his right arm
+falling negligently by his side, as nature and the laws of gravity
+ordered it, ----but with the palm of it open and turned towards his
+audience, ready to aid the sentiment in case it stood in need.
+
+Corporal _Trim's_ eyes and the muscles of his face were in full harmony
+with the other parts of him; --he looked frank, --unconstrained,
+--something assured, --but not bordering upon assurance.
+
+Let not the critic ask how Corporal _Trim_ could come by all this.
+----I've told him it should be explained; --but so he stood before my
+father, my uncle _Toby_, and Dr. _Slop_, --so swayed his body, so
+contrasted his limbs, and with such an oratorical sweep throughout the
+whole figure, ----a statuary might have modelled from it; ----nay,
+I doubt whether the oldest Fellow of a College, --or the _Hebrew_
+Professor himself, could have much mended it.
+
+_Trim_ made a bow, and read as follows:
+
+
+The SERMON
+
+HEBREWS xiii. 18
+
+  ----_For we _trust_ we have a good Conscience_
+
+"Trust! ----Trust we have a good conscience!"
+
+[Certainly, _Trim_, quoth my father, interrupting him, you give that
+sentence a very improper accent; for you curl up your nose, man, and
+read it with such a sneering tone, as if the Parson was going to abuse
+the Apostle.
+
+He is, an' please your Honour, replied _Trim_. Pugh! said my father,
+smiling.
+
+Sir, quoth Dr. _Slop_, _Trim_ is certainly in the right; for the writer
+(who I perceive is a Protestant) by the snappish manner in which he
+takes up the apostle, is certainly going to abuse him; --if this
+treatment of him has not done it already. But from whence, replied my
+father, have you concluded so soon, Dr. _Slop_, that the writer is of
+our church? --for aught I can see yet, --he may be of any church.
+----Because, answered Dr. _Slop_, if he was of ours, --he durst no more
+take such a licence, --than a bear by his beard: --If, in our communion,
+Sir, a man was to insult an apostle, ----a saint, ----or even the paring
+of a saint's nail, --he would have his eyes scratched out. --What, by
+the saint? quoth my uncle _Toby_. No, replied Dr. _Slop_, he would have
+an old house over his head. Pray is the Inquisition an ancient building,
+answered my uncle _Toby_, or is it a modern one? --I know nothing of
+architecture, replied Dr. _Slop_. --An' please your Honours, quoth
+_Trim_, the Inquisition is the vilest ----Prithee spare thy description,
+_Trim_, I hate the very name of it, said my father. --No matter for
+that, answered Dr. _Slop_, --it has its uses; for tho' I'm no great
+advocate for it, yet, in such a case as this, he would soon be taught
+better manners; and I can tell him, if he went on at that rate, would be
+flung into the Inquisition for his pains. God help him then, quoth my
+uncle _Toby_. Amen, added _Trim_; for Heaven above knows, I have a poor
+brother who has been fourteen years a captive in it. --I never heard one
+word of it before, said my uncle _Toby_, hastily: --How came he there,
+_Trim?_ ----O, Sir! the story will make your heart bleed, --as it has
+made mine a thousand times; --but it is too long to be told now; --your
+Honour shall hear it from first to last some day when I am working
+beside you in our fortifications; --but the short of the story is this;
+--That my brother _Tom_ went over a servant to _Lisbon_, --and then
+married a Jew's widow, who kept a small shop, and sold sausages, which
+somehow or other, was the cause of his being taken in the middle of the
+night out of his bed, where he was lying with his wife and two small
+children, and carried directly to the Inquisition, where, God help him,
+continued _Trim_, fetching a sigh from the bottom of his heart, --the
+poor honest lad lies confined at this hour; he was as honest a soul,
+added _Trim_, (pulling out his handkerchief) as ever blood warmed.----
+
+--The tears trickled down _Trim's_ cheeks faster than he could well wipe
+them away. --And dead silence in the room ensued for some minutes.
+--Certain proof of pity!
+
+Come, _Trim_, quoth my father, after he saw the poor fellow's grief had
+got a little vent, --read on, --and put this melancholy story out of thy
+head: --I grieve that I interrupted thee; but prithee begin the sermon
+again; --for if the first sentence in it is matter of abuse, as thou
+sayest, I have a great desire to know what kind of provocation the
+apostle has given.
+
+Corporal _Trim_ wiped his face, and returned his handkerchief into his
+pocket, and, making a bow as he did it, --he began again.]
+
+
+The SERMON
+
+HEBREWS xiii. 18
+
+  _----For we _trust_ we have a good Conscience. --_
+
+"Trust! trust we have a good conscience! Surely if there is any thing in
+this life which a man may depend upon, and to the knowledge of which he
+is capable of arriving upon the most indisputable evidence, it must be
+this very thing, --whether he has a good conscience or no."
+
+[I am positive I am right, quoth Dr. _Slop_.]
+
+"If a man thinks at all, he cannot well be a stranger to the true state
+of this account; ----he must be privy to his own thoughts and desires;
+--he must remember his past pursuits, and know certainly the true
+springs and motives, which, in general, have governed the actions of his
+life."
+
+[I defy him, without an assistant, quoth Dr. _Slop_.]
+
+"In other matters we may be deceived by false appearances; and, as the
+wise man complains, _hardly do we guess aright at the things that are
+upon the earth, and with labour do we find the things that are before
+us_. But here the mind has all the evidence and facts within herself;
+----is conscious of the web she has wove; ----knows its texture and
+fineness, and the exact share which every passion has had in working
+upon the several designs which virtue or vice has planned before her."
+
+[The language is good, and I declare _Trim_ reads very well, quoth my
+father.]
+
+"Now, --as conscience is nothing else but the knowledge which the mind
+has within herself of this; and the judgment, either of approbation or
+censure, which it unavoidably makes upon the successive actions of our
+lives; 'tis plain you will say, from the very terms of the proposition,
+--whenever this inward testimony goes against a man, and he stands
+self-accused, that he must necessarily be a guilty man. --And, on the
+contrary, when the report is favourable on his side, and his heart
+condemns him not: --that it is not a matter of _trust_, as the apostle
+intimates, but a matter of _certainty_ and fact, that the conscience is
+good, and that the man must be good also."
+
+[Then the apostle is altogether in the wrong, I suppose, quoth Dr.
+_Slop_, and the Protestant divine is in the right. Sir, have patience,
+replied my father, for I think it will presently appear that St. _Paul_
+and the Protestant divine are both of an opinion. --As nearly so, quoth
+Dr. _Slop_, as east is to west; --but this, continued he, lifting both
+hands, comes from the liberty of the press.
+
+It is no more, at the worst, replied my uncle _Toby_, than the liberty
+of the pulpit; for it does not appear that the sermon is printed, or
+ever likely to be.
+
+Go on, _Trim_, quoth my father.]
+
+"At first sight this may seem to be a true state of the case: and I make
+no doubt but the knowledge of right and wrong is so truly impressed upon
+the mind of man, --that did no such thing ever happen, as that the
+conscience of a man, by long habits of sin, might (as the scripture
+assures it may) insensibly become hard; --and, like some tender parts of
+his body, by much stress and continual hard usage, lose by degrees that
+nice sense and perception with which God and nature endowed it: --Did
+this never happen; --or was it certain that self-love could never hang
+the least bias upon the judgment; --or that the little interests below
+could rise up and perplex the faculties of our upper regions, and
+encompass them about with clouds and thick darkness: ----Could no such
+thing as favour and affection enter this sacred Court: --Did WIT disdain
+to take a bribe in it; --or was ashamed to shew its face as an advocate
+for an unwarrantable enjoyment: Or, lastly, were we assured that
+INTEREST stood always unconcerned whilst the cause was hearing--and that
+Passion never got into the judgment-seat, and pronounced sentence in the
+stead of Reason, which is supposed always to preside and determine upon
+the case: --Was this truly so, as the objection must suppose; --no doubt
+then the religious and moral state of a man would be exactly what he
+himself esteemed it: --and the guilt or innocence of every man's life
+could be known, in general, by no better measure, than the degrees of
+his own approbation and censure.
+
+"I own, in one case, whenever a man's conscience does accuse him (as it
+seldom errs on that side) that he is guilty; and unless in melancholy
+and hypocondriac cases, we may safely pronounce upon it, that there is
+always sufficient grounds for the accusation.
+
+"But the converse of the proposition will not hold true; --namely, that
+whenever there is guilt, the conscience must accuse; and if it does not,
+that a man is therefore innocent. ----This is not fact ------So that the
+common consolation which some good christian or other is hourly
+administering to himself, --that he thanks God his mind does not misgive
+him; and that, consequently, he has a good conscience, because he hath a
+quiet one, --is fallacious; --and as current as the inference is, and as
+infallible as the rule appears at first sight, yet when you look nearer
+to it, and try the truth of this rule upon plain facts, ----you see it
+liable to so much error from a false application; ----the principle upon
+which it goes so often perverted; ----the whole force of it lost, and
+sometimes so vilely cast away, that it is painful to produce the common
+examples from human life, which confirm the account.
+
+"A man shall be vicious and utterly debauched in his principles;
+--exceptionable in his conduct to the world; shall live shameless, in
+the open commission of a sin which no reason or pretence can justify,
+----a sin by which, contrary to all the workings of humanity, he shall
+ruin for ever the deluded partner of his guilt; --rob her of her best
+dowry; and not only cover her own head with dishonour; --but involve a
+whole virtuous family in shame and sorrow for her sake. Surely, you will
+think conscience must lead such a man a troublesome life; he can have no
+rest night or day from its reproaches.
+
+"Alas! CONSCIENCE had something else to do all this time, than break in
+upon him; as _Elijah_ reproached the god _Baal_, ----this domestic god
+_was either talking, or pursuing, or was in a journey, or peradventure
+he slept and could not be awoke_.
+
+"Perhaps HE was gone out in company with HONOUR to fight a duel: to pay
+off some debt at play; ----or dirty annuity, the bargain of his lust;
+Perhaps CONSCIENCE all this time was engaged at home, talking aloud
+against petty larceny, and executing vengeance upon some such puny
+crimes as his fortune and rank of life secured him against all
+temptation of committing; so that he lives as merrily" ----[If he was of
+our church, tho', quoth Dr. _Slop_, he could not]-- "sleeps as soundly
+in his bed; --and at last meets death as unconcernedly; --perhaps much
+more so, than a much better man."
+
+[All this is impossible with us, quoth Dr. _Slop_, turning to my father,
+--the case could not happen in our church. --It happens in ours,
+however, replied my father, but too often. ----I own, quoth Dr. _Slop_,
+(struck a little with my father's frank acknowledgment)--that a man in
+the _Romish_ church may live as badly; --but then he cannot easily die
+so. ----'Tis little matter, replied my father, with an air of
+indifference, --how a rascal dies. --I mean, answered Dr. _Slop_, he
+would be denied the benefits of the last sacraments. --Pray how many
+have you in all, said my uncle _Toby_, ----for I always forget?
+----Seven, answered Dr. _Slop_. ----Humph! --said my uncle _Toby_; tho'
+not accented as a note of acquiescence, --but as an interjection of that
+particular species of surprize, when a man in looking into a drawer,
+finds more of a thing than he expected. ----Humph! replied my uncle
+_Toby_. Dr. _Slop_, who had an ear, understood my uncle _Toby_ as well
+as if he had wrote a whole volume against the seven sacraments.
+----Humph! replied Dr. _Slop_ (stating my uncle _Toby's_ argument over
+again to him) ----Why, Sir, are there not seven cardinal virtues?
+----Seven mortal sins? ----Seven golden candlesticks? ----Seven heavens?
+--'Tis more than I know, replied my uncle _Toby_. ------Are there not
+seven wonders of the world? ----Seven days of the creation? ----Seven
+planets? ----Seven plagues? ----That there are, quoth my father with a
+most affected gravity. But prithee, continued he, go on with the rest of
+thy characters, _Trim_.]
+
+"Another is sordid, unmerciful," (here _Trim_ waved his right hand)
+"a strait-hearted, selfish wretch, incapable either of private
+friendship or public spirit. Take notice how he passes by the widow and
+orphan in their distress, and sees all the miseries incident to human
+life without a sigh or a prayer." [An' please your honours, cried
+_Trim_, I think this a viler man than the other.]
+
+"Shall not conscience rise up and sting him on such occasions? ----No;
+thank God there is no occasion, _I pay every man his own; --I have no
+fornication to answer to my conscience; --no faithless vows or promises
+to make up; --I have debauched no man's wife or child; thank God, I am
+not as other men, adulterers, unjust, or even as this libertine, who
+stands before me._
+
+"A third is crafty and designing in his nature. View his whole life;
+--'tis nothing but a cunning contexture of dark arts and unequitable
+subterfuges, basely to defeat the true intent of all laws,
+----plain-dealing and the safe enjoyment of our several properties.
+----You will see such a one working out a frame of little designs upon
+the ignorance and perplexities of the poor and needy man; --shall raise
+a fortune upon the inexperience of a youth, or the unsuspecting temper
+of his friend, who would have trusted him with his life.
+
+"When old age comes on, and repentance calls him to look back upon this
+black account, and state it over again with his conscience --CONSCIENCE
+looks into the STATUTES AT LARGE; --finds no express law broken by what
+he has done; --perceives no penalty or forfeiture of goods and chattels
+incurred; --sees no scourge waving over his head, or prison opening his
+gates upon him: --What is there to affright his conscience? --Conscience
+has got safely entrenched behind the Letter of the Law; sits there
+invulnerable, fortified with #Cases# and #Reports# so strongly on all
+sides; --that it is not preaching can dispossess it of its hold."
+
+[Here Corporal _Trim_ and my uncle _Toby_ exchanged looks with each
+other. --Aye, aye, _Trim!_ quoth my uncle _Toby_, shaking his head,
+------these are but sorry fortifications, _Trim_. ------O! very poor
+work, answered _Trim_, to what your Honour and I make of it. ----The
+character of this last man, said Dr. _Slop_, interrupting _Trim_, is
+more detestable than all the rest; and seems to have been taken from
+some pettifogging Lawyer amongst you: --Amongst us, a man's conscience
+could not possibly continue so long _blinded_, ----three times in a
+year, at least, he must go to confession. Will that restore it to sight?
+quoth my uncle _Toby_. ----Go on, _Trim_, quoth my father, or _Obadiah_
+will have got back before thou hast got to the end of thy sermon.
+----'Tis a very short one, replied _Trim_. ----I wish it was longer,
+quoth my uncle _Toby_, for I like it hugely. --_Trim_ went on.]
+
+"A fourth man shall want even this refuge; --shall break through all
+their ceremony of slow chicane; ----scorns the doubtful workings of
+secret plots and cautious trains to bring about his purpose: ----See the
+bare-faced villain, how he cheats, lies, perjures, robs, murders!
+--Horrid! --But indeed much better was not to be expected, in the
+present case--the poor man was in the dark! ------his priest had got the
+keeping of his conscience; ----and all he would let him know of it, was,
+That he must believe in the Pope; --go to Mass; --cross himself; --tell
+his beads; --be a good Catholic, and that this, in all conscience, was
+enough to carry him to heaven. What; --if he perjures! --Why; --he had a
+mental reservation in it. --But if he is so wicked and abandoned a
+wretch as you represent him; --if he robs, --if he stabs, will not
+conscience, on every such act, receive a wound itself? --Aye, --but the
+man has carried it to confession; ----the wound digests there, and will
+do well enough, and in a short time be quite healed up by absolution.
+O Popery! what hast thou to answer for? ----when, not content with the
+too many natural and fatal ways, thro' which the heart of man is every
+day thus treacherous to itself above all things; --thou hast wilfully
+set open the wide gate of deceit before the face of this unwary
+traveller, too apt, God knows, to go astray of himself; and confidently
+speak peace to himself, when there is no peace.
+
+"Of this the common instances which I have drawn out of life, are too
+notorious to require much evidence. If any man doubts the reality of
+them, or thinks it impossible for a man to be such a bubble to himself,
+--I must refer him a moment to his own reflections, and will then
+venture to trust my appeal with his own heart.
+
+"Let him consider in how different a degree of detestation, numbers of
+wicked actions stand _there_, tho' equally bad and vicious in their own
+natures; --he will soon find, that such of them as strong inclination
+and custom have prompted him to commit, are generally dressed out and
+painted with all the false beauties which a soft and a flattering hand
+can give them; --and that the others, to which he feels no propensity,
+appear, at once, naked and deformed, surrounded with all the true
+circumstances of folly and dishonour.
+
+"When _David_ surprized _Saul_ sleeping in the cave, and cut off the
+skirt of his robe--we read his heart smote him for what he had done:
+----But in the matter of _Uriah_, where a faithful and gallant servant,
+whom he ought to have loved and honoured, fell to make way for his lust,
+--where conscience had so much greater reason to take the alarm, his
+heart smote him not. A whole year had almost passed from the first
+commission of that crime, to the time _Nathan_ was sent to reprove him;
+and we read not once of the least sorrow or compunction of heart which
+he testified, during all that time, for what he had done.
+
+"Thus conscience, this once able monitor, ----placed on high as a judge
+within us, and intended by our Maker as a just and equitable one too,
+--by an unhappy train of causes and impediments, takes often such
+imperfect cognizance of what passes, ----does its office so negligently,
+----sometimes so corruptly--that it is not to be trusted alone; and
+therefore we find there is a necessity, an absolute necessity, of
+joining another principle with it, to aid, if not govern, its
+determinations.
+
+"So that if you would form a just judgment of what is of infinite
+importance to you not to be misled in, --namely, in what degree of real
+merit you stand either as an honest man, an useful citizen, a faithful
+subject to your king, or a good servant to your God, ----call in
+religion and morality. --Look, What is written in the law of God?
+----How readest thou? --Consult calm reason and the unchangeable
+obligations of justice and truth; ----what say they?
+
+"Let CONSCIENCE determine the matter upon these reports; ----and then if
+thy heart condemns thee not, which is the case the apostle supposes,
+----the rule will be infallible;" --[Here Dr. _Slop_ fell asleep]--
+"_thou wilt have confidence towards God_; ----that is, have just grounds
+to believe the judgment thou hast past upon thyself, is the judgment of
+God; and nothing else but an anticipation of that righteous sentence
+which will be pronounced upon thee hereafter by that Being, to whom thou
+art finally to give an account of thy actions.
+
+"_Blessed is the man_, indeed, then, as the author of the book of
+_Ecclesiasticus_ expresses it, _who is not pricked with the multitude of
+his sins: Blessed is the man whose heart hath not condemned him; whether
+he be rich, or whether he be poor, if he have a good heart_ (a heart
+thus guided and informed) _he shall at all times rejoice in a chearful
+countenance; his mind shall tell him more than seven watch-men that sit
+above upon a tower on high_." --[A tower has no strength, quoth my uncle
+_Toby_, unless 'tis flank'd.]-- "In the darkest doubts it shall conduct
+him safer than a thousand casuists, and give the state he lives in,
+a better security for his behaviour than all the causes and restrictions
+put together which law-makers are forced to multiply: --_Forced_, I say,
+as things stand; human laws not being a matter of original choice, but
+of pure necessity, brought in to fence against the mischievous effects
+of those consciences which are no law unto themselves; well intending,
+by the many provisions made, --that in all such corrupt and misguided
+cases, where principles and the checks of conscience will not make us
+upright, --to supply their force, and, by the terrors of gaols and
+halters, oblige us to it."
+
+[I see plainly, said my father, that this sermon has been composed to be
+preached at the Temple, ----or at some Assize. --I like the reasoning,
+--and am sorry that Dr. _Slop_ has fallen asleep before the time of his
+conviction: --for it is now clear, that the Parson, as I thought at
+first, never insulted St. _Paul_ in the least; --nor has there been,
+brother, the least difference between them. ----A great matter, if they
+had differed, replied my uncle _Toby_, --the best friends in the world
+may differ sometimes. ----True, --brother _Toby_, quoth my father,
+shaking hands with him, --we'll fill our pipes, brother, and then _Trim_
+shall go on.
+
+Well, ----what dost thou think of it? said my father speaking to
+Corporal _Trim_, as he reached his tobacco-box.
+
+I think, answered the Corporal, that the seven watch-men upon the tower,
+who, I suppose, are all centinels there, --are more, an' please your
+Honour, than were necessary; --and, to go on at that rate, would harrass
+a regiment all to pieces, which a commanding officer, who loves his men,
+will never do, if he can help it, because two centinels, added the
+Corporal, are as good as twenty. --I have been a commanding officer
+myself in the _Corps de Garde_ a hundred times, continued _Trim_, rising
+an inch higher in his figure, as he spoke, --and all the time I had the
+honour to serve his Majesty King _William_, in relieving the most
+considerable posts, I never left more than two in my life. ----Very
+right, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, --but you do not consider,
+_Trim_, that the towers, in _Solomon's_ days, were not such things as
+our bastions, flanked and defended by other works; --this, _Trim_, was
+an invention since _Solomon's_ death; nor had they horn-works, or
+ravelins before the curtin, in his time; ----or such a fossé as we make
+with a cuvette in the middle of it, and with covered ways and
+counterscarps pallisadoed along it, to guard against a _Coup de main_:
+--So that the seven men upon the tower were a party, I dare say, from
+the _Corps de Garde_, set there, not only to look out, but to defend it.
+--They could be no more, an' please your Honour, than a Corporal's
+Guard. --My father smiled inwardly, but not outwardly; --the subject
+being rather too serious, considering what had happened, to make a jest
+of. --So putting his pipe into his mouth, which he had just lighted,
+--he contented himself with ordering _Trim_ to read on. He read on as
+follows:]
+
+"To have the fear of God before our eyes, and, in our mutual dealings
+with each other, to govern our actions by the eternal measures of right
+and wrong: ----The first of these will comprehend the duties of
+religion; --the second, those of morality, which are so inseparably
+connected together, that you cannot divide these two _tables_, even in
+imagination (tho' the attempt is often made in practice) without
+breaking and mutually destroying them both.
+
+"I said the attempt is often made; and so it is; ----there being nothing
+more common than to see a man who has no sense at all of religion, and
+indeed has so much honesty as to pretend to none, who would take it as
+the bitterest affront, should you but hint at a suspicion of his moral
+character, ----or imagine he was not conscientiously just and scrupulous
+to the uttermost mite.
+
+"When there is some appearance that it is so, --tho' one is unwilling
+even to suspect the appearance of so amiable a virtue as moral honesty,
+yet were we to look into the grounds of it, in the present case, I am
+persuaded we should find little reason to envy such a one the honour of
+his motive.
+
+"Let him declaim as pompously as he chooses upon the subject, it will be
+found to rest upon no better foundation than either his interest, his
+pride, his ease, or some such little and changeable passion as will give
+us but small dependence upon his actions in matters of great distress.
+
+"I will illustrate this by an example.
+
+"I know the banker I deal with, or the physician I usually call in"
+--[There is no need, cried Dr. _Slop_ (waking), to call in any physician
+in this case]---- "to be neither of them men of much religion: I hear
+them make a jest of it every day, and treat all its sanctions with so
+much scorn, as to put the matter past doubt. Well; --notwithstanding
+this, I put my fortune into the hands of the one: --and what is dearer
+still to me, I trust my life to the honest skill of the other.
+
+"Now let me examine what is my reason for this great confidence. Why, in
+the first place, I believe there is no probability that either of them
+will employ the power I put into their hands to my disadvantage; --I
+consider that honesty serves the purposes of this life: --I know their
+success in the world depends upon the fairness of their characters. --In
+a word, I'm persuaded that they cannot hurt me without hurting
+themselves more.
+
+"But put it otherwise, namely, that interest lay, for once, on the other
+side; that a case should happen, wherein the one, without stain to his
+reputation, could secrete my fortune, and leave me naked in the world;
+--or that the other could send me out of it, and enjoy an estate by my
+death, without dishonour to himself or his art: --In this case, what
+hold have I of either of them? --Religion, the strongest of all motives,
+is out of the question; --Interest, the next most powerful motive in the
+world, is strongly against me: ------What have I left to cast into the
+opposite scale to balance this temptation? ------Alas! I have nothing,
+----nothing but what is lighter than a bubble ------I must lie at the
+mercy of HONOUR, or some such capricious principle --Strait security for
+two of the most valuable blessings! --my property and myself.
+
+"As, therefore, we can have no dependence upon morality without
+religion; --so, on the other hand, there is nothing better to be
+expected from religion without morality; nevertheless, 'tis no prodigy
+to see a man whose real moral character stands very low, who yet
+entertains the highest notion of himself in the light of a religious
+man.
+
+"He shall not only be covetous, revengeful, implacable, --but even
+wanting in points of common honesty; yet inasmuch as he talks aloud
+against the infidelity of the age, ----is zealous for some points of
+religion, ----goes twice a day to church, --attends the sacraments,
+--and amuses himself with a few instrumental parts of religion, --shall
+cheat his conscience into a judgment, that, for this, he is a religious
+man, and has discharged truly his duty to God: And you will find such a
+man, through force of this delusion, generally looks down with spiritual
+pride upon every other man who has less affectation of piety, --though,
+perhaps, ten times more real honesty than himself.
+
+"_This likewise is a sore evil under the sun_; and I believe, there is
+no one mistaken principle, which, for its time, has wrought more serious
+mischiefs. ------For a general proof of this, --examine the history of
+the _Romish_ church;" --[Well, what can you make of that? cried Dr.
+_Slop_]-- "see what scenes of cruelty, murder, rapine, bloodshed,"
+----[They may thank their own obstinacy, cried Dr. _Slop_]---- "have all
+been sanctified by a religion not strictly governed by morality.
+
+"In how many kingdoms of the world" --[Here _Trim_ kept waving his right
+hand from the sermon to the extent of his arm, returning it backwards
+and forwards to the conclusion of the paragraph.]
+
+"In how many kingdoms of the world has the crusading sword of this
+misguided saint-errant, spared neither age nor merit, or sex, or
+condition? --and, as he fought under the banners of a religion which set
+him loose from justice and humanity, he shewed none; mercilessly
+trampled upon both, --heard neither the cries of the unfortunate, nor
+pitied their distresses."
+
+[I have been in many a battle, an' please your Honour, quoth _Trim_,
+sighing, but never in so melancholy a one as this, --I would not have
+drawn a tricker in it against these poor souls, ----to have been made a
+general officer. ----Why? what do you understand of the affair? said Dr.
+_Slop_, looking towards _Trim_, with something more of contempt than the
+Corporal's honest heart deserved. ----What do you know, friend, about
+this battle you talk of? --I know, replied _Trim_, that I never refused
+quarter in my life to any man who cried out for it; ----but to a woman
+or a child, continued _Trim_, before I would level my musket at them,
+I would lose my life a thousand times. ----Here's a crown for thee,
+_Trim_, to drink with _Obadiah_ to-night, quoth my uncle _Toby_, and
+I'll give _Obadiah_ another too. --God bless your Honour, replied
+_Trim_, ----I had rather these poor women and children had it. ----Thou
+art an honest fellow, quoth my uncle _Toby_. ----My father nodded his
+head, as much as to say, --and so he is.----
+
+But prithee, _Trim_, said my father, make an end, --for I see thou hast
+but a leaf or two left.
+
+Corporal _Trim_ read on.]
+
+"If the testimony of past centuries in this matter is not sufficient,
+--consider at this instant, how the votaries of that religion are every
+day thinking to do service and honour to God, by actions which are a
+dishonour and scandal to themselves.
+
+"To be convinced of this, go with me for a moment into the prisons of
+the Inquisition." --[God help my poor brother _Tom_.]-- "Behold
+_Religion_, with _Mercy_ and _Justice_ chained down under her feet,
+----there sitting ghastly upon a black tribunal, propped up with racks
+and instruments of torment. Hark! --hark! what a piteous groan!" --[Here
+_Trim's_ face turned as pale as ashes.]---- "See the melancholy wretch
+who uttered it" --[Here the tears began to trickle down.]---- "just
+brought forth to undergo the anguish of a mock trial, and endure the
+utmost pains that a studied system of cruelty has been able to invent."
+--[D--n them all, quoth _Trim_, his colour returning into his face as
+red as blood.]-- "Behold this helpless victim delivered up to his
+tormentors, --his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement." ----[Oh!
+'tis my brother, cried poor _Trim_ in a most passionate exclamation,
+dropping the sermon upon the ground, and clapping his hands together --I
+fear 'tis poor _Tom_. My father's and my uncle _Toby's_ heart yearned
+with sympathy for the poor fellow's distress; even _Slop_ himself
+acknowledged pity for him. ----Why, _Trim_, said my father, this is not
+a history, ----'tis a sermon thou art reading; prithee begin the
+sentence again.]---- "Behold this helpless victim delivered up to his
+tormentors, --his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement, you will
+see every nerve and muscle as it suffers.
+
+"Observe the last movement of that horrid engine!" --[I would rather
+face a cannon, quoth _Trim_, stamping.]-- "See what convulsions it has
+thrown him into! ----Consider the nature of the posture in which he now
+lies stretched, --what exquisite tortures he endures by it!" --[I hope
+'tis not in _Portugal_.]-- "'Tis all nature can bear! Good God! see how
+it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips!" [I would not
+read another line of it, quoth _Trim_, for all this _world_; --I fear,
+an' please your Honours, all this is in _Portugal_, where my poor
+brother _Tom_ is. I tell thee, _Trim_, again, quoth my father, 'tis not
+an historical account, --'tis a description. --'Tis only a description,
+honest man, quoth _Slop_, there's not a word of truth in it. ----That's
+another story, replied my father. --However, as _Trim_ reads it with so
+much concern, --'tis cruelty to force him to go on with it. --Give me
+hold of the sermon, _Trim_, --I'll finish it for thee, and thou may'st
+go. I must stay and hear it, too, replied _Trim_, if your Honour will
+allow me; --tho' I would not read it myself for a Colonel's pay.
+------Poor _Trim!_ quoth my uncle _Toby_. My father went on.]--
+
+"----Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched,
+--what exquisite torture he endures by it! --'Tis all nature can bear!
+Good God! See how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling
+lips, --willing to take its leave, ----but not suffered to depart!
+--Behold the unhappy wretch led back to his cell!" ----[Then, thank God,
+however, quoth _Trim_, they have not killed him.]-- "See him dragged out
+of it again to meet the flames, and the insults in his last agonies,
+which this principle, --this principle, that there can be religion
+without mercy, has prepared for him." ----[Then, thank God, ----he is
+dead, quoth _Trim_, --he is out of his pain, --and they have done their
+worst at him. --O Sirs! --Hold your peace, _Trim_, said my father, going
+on with the sermon, lest _Trim_ should incense Dr. _Slop_, --we shall
+never have done at this rate.]
+
+"The surest way to try the merit of any disputed notion is, to trace
+down the consequences such a notion has produced, and compare them with
+the spirit of Christianity; ----'tis the short and decisive rule which
+our Saviour hath left us, for these and such like cases, and it is worth
+a thousand arguments----_By their fruits ye shall know them._
+
+"I will add no farther to the length of this sermon, than by two or
+three short and independent rules deducible from it.
+
+"_First_, Whenever a man talks loudly against religion, always suspect
+that it is not his reason, but his passions, which have got the better
+of his CREED. A bad life and a good belief are disagreeable and
+troublesome neighbours, and where they separate, depend upon it, 'tis
+for no other cause but quietness' sake.
+
+"_Secondly_, When a man, thus represented, tells you in any particular
+instance, ----That such a thing goes against his conscience, ----always
+believe he means exactly the same thing, as when he tells you such a
+thing goes _against_ his stomach; --a present want of appetite being
+generally the true cause of both.
+
+"In a word, --trust that man in nothing, who has not a CONSCIENCE in
+everything.
+
+"And, in your own case, remember this plain distinction, a mistake in
+which has ruined thousands, --that your conscience is not a law: --No,
+God and reason made the law, and have placed conscience within you to
+determine; ----not, like an _Asiatic_ Cadi, according to the ebbs and
+flows of his own passions, --but like a _British_ judge in this land of
+liberty and good sense, who makes no new law, but faithfully declares
+that law which he knows already written."
+
+_FINIS_
+
+
+Thou hast read the sermon extremely well, _Trim_, quoth my father. --If
+he had spared his comments, replied Dr. _Slop_, ----he would have read
+it much better. I should have read it ten times better, Sir, answered
+_Trim_, but that my heart was so full. --That was the very reason,
+_Trim_, replied my father, which has made thee read the sermon as well
+as thou hast done; and if the clergy of our church, continued my father,
+addressing himself to Dr. _Slop_, would take part in what they deliver
+as deeply as this poor fellow has done, --as their compositions are
+fine; --[I deny it, quoth Dr. _Slop_]-- I maintain it, --that the
+eloquence of our pulpits, with such subjects to enflame it, would be a
+model for the whole world: ----But alas! continued my father, and I own
+it, Sir, with sorrow, that, like _French_ politicians in this respect,
+what they gain in the cabinet they lose in the field. ----'Twere a pity,
+quoth my uncle, that this should be lost. I like the sermon well,
+replied my father, ----'tis dramatick, --and there is something in that
+way of writing, when skilfully managed, which catches the attention.
+----We preach much in that way with us, said Dr. _Slop_. --I know that
+very well, said my father, ----but in a tone and manner which disgusted
+Dr. _Slop_, full as much as his assent, simply, could have pleased him.
+----But in this, added Dr. _Slop_, a little piqued, --our sermons have
+greatly the advantage, that we never introduce any character into them
+below a patriarch or a patriarch's wife, or a martyr or a saint. --There
+are some very bad characters in this, however, said my father, and I do
+not think the sermon a jot the worse for 'em. ----But pray, quoth my
+uncle _Toby_, --who's can this be? --How could it get into my
+_Stevinus?_ A man must be as great a conjurer as _Stevinus_, said my
+father, to resolve the second question: --The first, I think, is not so
+difficult; --for unless my judgment greatly deceives me, ----I know the
+author, for 'tis wrote, certainly, by the parson of the parish.
+
+The similitude of the stile and manner of it, with those my father
+constantly had heard preached in his parish-church, was the ground of
+his conjecture, --proving it as strongly, as an argument _ŕ priori_
+could prove such a thing to a philosophic mind, That it was _Yorick's_
+and no one's else: --It was proved to be so, _ŕ posteriori_, the day
+after, when _Yorick_ sent a servant to my uncle _Toby's_ house to
+enquire after it.
+
+It seems that _Yorick_, who was inquisitive after all kinds of
+knowledge, had borrowed _Stevinus_ of my uncle _Toby_, and had
+carelessly popped his sermon, as soon as he had made it, into the middle
+of _Stevinus_; and by an act of forgetfulness, to which he was ever
+subject, he had sent _Stevinus_ home, and his sermon to keep him
+company.
+
+Ill-fated sermon! Thou wast lost, after this recovery of thee, a second
+time, dropped thro' an unsuspected fissure in thy master's pocket, down
+into a treacherous and a tattered lining, --trod deep into the dirt by
+the left hind-foot of his Rosinante inhumanly stepping upon thee as thou
+falledst; --buried ten days in the mire, ----raised up out of it by a
+beggar, --sold for a halfpenny to a parish-clerk, ----transferred to his
+parson, ----lost for ever to thy own, the remainder of his days, ----nor
+restored to his restless MANES till this very moment, that I tell the
+world the story.
+
+Can the reader believe, that this sermon of _Yorick's_ was preached at
+an assize, in the cathedral of _York_, before a thousand witnesses,
+ready to give oath of it, by a certain prebendary of that church, and
+actually printed by him when he had done, ----and within so short a
+space as two years and three months after _Yorick's_ death? --_Yorick_
+indeed, was never better served in his life; ------but it was a little
+hard to maltreat him after, and plunder him after he was laid in his
+grave.
+
+However, as the gentleman who did it was in perfect charity with
+_Yorick_, --and, in conscious justice, printed but a few copies to give
+away; --and that I am told he could moreover have made as good a one
+himself, had he thought fit, --I declare I would not have published this
+anecdote to the world; ----nor do I publish it with an intent to hurt
+his character and advancement in the church; ----I leave that to others;
+--but I find myself impelled by two reasons, which I cannot withstand.
+
+The first is, That in doing justice, I may give rest to _Yorick's_
+ghost; ----which--as the country-people, and some others, believe,
+----_still walks_.
+
+The second reason is, That, by laying open this story to the world,
+I gain an opportunity of informing it, --That in case the character of
+parson _Yorick_, and this sample of his sermons, is liked, ----there are
+now in the possession of the _Shandy_ family, as many as will make a
+handsome volume, at the world's service, ----and much good may they do
+it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+Obadiah gained the two crowns without dispute; for he came in jingling,
+with all the instruments in the green bays bag we spoke of, slung across
+his body, just as Corporal _Trim_ went out of the room.
+
+It is now proper, I think, quoth Dr. _Slop_ (clearing up his looks), as
+we are in a condition to be of some service to Mrs. _Shandy_, to send
+upstairs to know how she goes on.
+
+I have ordered, answered my father, the old midwife to come down to us
+upon the least difficulty; --for you must know, Dr. _Slop_, continued my
+father, with a perplexed kind of a smile upon his countenance, that by
+express treaty, solemnly ratified between me and my wife, you are no
+more than an auxiliary in this affair, --and not so much as that,
+--unless the lean old mother of a midwife above stairs cannot do without
+you. --Women have their particular fancies, and in points of this
+nature, continued my father, where they bear the whole burden, and
+suffer so much acute pain for the advantage of our families, and the
+good of the species, --they claim a right of deciding, _en Souveraines_,
+in whose hands, and in what fashion, they choose to undergo it.
+
+They are in the right of it, ----quoth my uncle _Toby_. But, Sir,
+replied Dr. _Slop_, not taking notice of my uncle _Toby's_ opinion, but
+turning to my father, --they had better govern in other points; ----and
+a father of a family, who wishes its perpetuity, in my opinion, had
+better exchange this prerogative with them, and give up some other
+rights in lieu of it. ----I know not, quoth my father, answering a
+little too testily, to be quite dispassionate in what he said, --I know
+not, quoth he, what we have left to give up, in lieu of who shall bring
+our children into the world, unless that, --of who shall beget them.
+------One would almost give up anything, replied Dr. _Slop_. --I beg
+your pardon, ----answered my uncle _Toby_. --Sir, replied Dr. _Slop_, it
+would astonish you to know what improvements we have made of late years
+in all branches of obstetrical knowledge, but particularly in that one
+single point of the safe and expeditious extraction of the _foetus_,
+----which has received such lights, that, for my part (holding up his
+hands) I declare I wonder how the world has ----I wish, quoth my uncle
+_Toby_, you had seen what prodigious armies we had in _Flanders_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+I have dropped the curtain over this scene for a minute, ----to remind
+you of one thing, ----and to inform you of another.
+
+What I have to inform you, comes, I own, a little out of its due course;
+----for it should have been told a hundred and fifty pages ago, but that
+I foresaw then 'twould come in pat hereafter, and be of more advantage
+here than elsewhere. --Writers had need look before them, to keep up the
+spirit and connection of what they have in hand.
+
+When these two things are done, --the curtain shall be drawn up again,
+and my uncle _Toby_, my father, and Dr. _Slop_, shall go on with their
+discourse, without any more interruption.
+
+First, then, the matter which I have to remind you of, is this; ----that
+from the specimens of singularity in my father's notions in the point of
+christian-names, and that other previous point thereto, --you was led,
+I think, into an opinion (and I am sure I said as much), that my father
+was a gentleman altogether as odd and whimsical in fifty other opinions.
+In truth, there was not a stage in the life of man, from the very first
+act of his begetting, ----down to the lean and slippered pantaloon in
+his second childishness, but he had some favourite notion to himself,
+springing out of it, as sceptical, and as far out of the highway of
+thinking, as these two which have been explained.
+
+--Mr. _Shandy_, my father, Sir, would see nothing in the light in which
+others placed it; --he placed things in his own light; --he would weigh
+nothing in common scales; --no, he was too refined a researcher to lie
+open to so gross an imposition. --To come at the exact weight of things
+in the scientific steel-yard, the fulcrum, he would say, should be
+almost invisible, to avoid all friction from popular tenets; --without
+this the minutić of philosophy, which would always turn the balance,
+will have no weight at all. Knowledge, like matter, he would affirm, was
+divisible _in infinitum_; ----that the grains and scruples were as much
+a part of it, as the gravitation of the whole world. --In a word, he
+would say, error was error, --no matter where it fell, ----whether in a
+fraction, --or a pound, --'twas alike fatal to truth, and she was kept
+down at the bottom of her well, as inevitably by a mistake in the dust
+of a butterfly's wings, ----as in the disk of the sun, the moon, and all
+the stars of heaven put together.
+
+He would often lament that it was for want of considering this properly,
+and of applying it skilfully to civil matters, as well as to speculative
+truths, that so many things in this world were out of joint; ----that
+the political arch was giving way; ----and that the very foundations of
+our excellent constitution, in church and state, were so sapped as
+estimators had reported.
+
+You cry out, he would say, we are a ruined, undone people. Why? he would
+ask, making use of the sorites or syllogism of _Zeno_ and _Chrysippus_,
+without knowing it belonged to them. --Why? why are we a ruined people?
+--Because we are corrupted. --Whence is it, dear Sir, that we are
+corrupted? ----Because we are needy; ----our poverty, and not our wills,
+consent. ----And wherefore, he would add, are we needy? --From the
+neglect, he would answer, of our pence and our halfpence: --Our bank
+notes, Sir, our guineas, --nay, our shillings take care of themselves.
+
+'Tis the same, he would say, throughout the whole circle of the
+sciences; --the great, the established points of them, are not to be
+broke in upon. --The laws of nature will defend themselves; --but
+error----(he would add, looking earnestly at my mother)----error, Sir,
+creeps in thro' the minute holes and small crevices which human nature
+leaves unguarded.
+
+This turn of thinking in my father, is what I had to remind you of:
+--The point you are to be informed of, and which I have reserved for
+this place, is as follows.
+
+Amongst the many and excellent reasons, with which my father had urged
+my mother to accept of Dr. _Slop's_ assistance preferably to that of the
+old woman, ----there was one of a very singular nature; which, when he
+had done arguing the manner with her as a Christian, and came to argue
+it over again with her as a philosopher, he had put his whole strength
+to, depending indeed upon it as his sheet-anchor. ----It failed him;
+tho' from no defect in the argument itself; but that, do what he could,
+he was not able for his soul to make her comprehend the drift of it.
+----Cursed luck! ----said he to himself, one afternoon, as he walked out
+of the room, after he had been stating it for an hour and a half to her,
+to no manner of purpose; --cursed luck! said he, biting his lip as he
+shut the door, ----for a man to be master of one of the finest chains of
+reasoning in nature, --and have a wife at the same time with such a
+headpiece, that he cannot hang up a single inference within side of it,
+to save his soul from destruction.
+
+This argument, though it was entirely lost upon my mother, ----had more
+weight with him, than all his other arguments joined together: --I will
+therefore endeavour to do it justice, --and set it forth with all the
+perspicuity I am master of.
+
+My father set out upon the strength of these two following axioms:
+
+_First_, That an ounce of a man's own wit, was worth a ton of other
+people's; and,
+
+_Secondly_ (Which by the bye, was the ground-work of the first axiom,
+----tho' it comes last), That every man's wit must come from every man's
+own soul, ----and no other body's.
+
+Now, as it was plain to my father, that all souls were by nature equal,
+----and that the great difference between the most acute and the most
+obtuse understanding----was from no original sharpness or bluntness of
+one thinking substance above or below another, ----but arose merely from
+the lucky or unlucky organisation of the body, in that part where the
+soul principally took up her residence, ----he had made it the subject
+of his enquiry to find out the identical place.
+
+Now, from the best accounts he had been able to get of this matter, he
+was satisfied it could not be where _Des Cartes_ had fixed it, upon the
+top of the _pineal_ gland of the brain; which, as he philosophized,
+formed a cushion for her about the size of a marrow pea; tho', to speak
+the truth, as so many nerves did terminate all in that one place,
+--'twas no bad conjecture; ----and my father had certainly fallen with
+that great philosopher plumb into the centre of the mistake, had it not
+been for my uncle _Toby_, who rescued him out of it, by a story he told
+him of a _Walloon_ officer at the battle of _Landen_, who had one part
+of his brain shot away by a musket-ball, --and another part of it taken
+out after by a _French_ surgeon; and after all, recovered, and did his
+duty very well without it.
+
+If death, said my father, reasoning with himself, is nothing but the
+separation of the soul from the body; and if it is true that people can
+walk about and do their business without brains, --then certes the soul
+does not inhabit there. Q. E. D.
+
+As for that certain, very thin, subtle and very fragrant juice which
+_Coglionissimo Borri_, the great _Milanese_ physician affirms, in a
+letter to _Bartholine_, to have discovered in the cellulć of the
+occipital parts of the cerebellum, and which he likewise affirms to be
+the principal seat of the reasonable soul (for, you must know, in these
+latter and more enlightened ages, there are two souls in every man
+living, --the one, according to the great _Metheglingius_, being called
+the _Animus_, the other, the _Anima_;)--as for the opinion, I say, of
+_Borri_, --my father could never subscribe to it by any means; the very
+idea of so noble, so refined, so immaterial, and so exalted a being as
+the _Anima_, or even the _Animus_, taking up her residence, and sitting
+dabbling, like a tadpole all day long, both summer and winter, in a
+puddle, ----or in a liquid of any kind, how thick or thin soever, he
+would say, shocked his imagination; he would scarce give the doctrine a
+hearing.
+
+What, therefore, seemed the least liable to objections of any, was that
+the chief sensorium, or head-quarters of the soul, and to which place
+all intelligences were referred, and from whence all her mandates were
+issued, --was in, or near, the cerebellum, --or rather somewhere about
+the _medulla oblongata_, wherein it was generally agreed by _Dutch_
+anatomists, that all the minute nerves from all the organs of the seven
+senses concentered, like streets and winding alleys, into a square.
+
+So far there was nothing singular in my father's opinion, --he had the
+best of philosophers, of all ages and climates, to go along with him.
+----But here he took a road of his own, setting up another _Shandean_
+hypothesis upon these corner-stones they had laid for him; ----and which
+said hypothesis equally stood its ground; whether the subtilty and
+fineness of the soul depended upon the temperature and clearness of the
+said liquor, or of the finer network and texture in the cerebellum
+itself; which opinion he favoured.
+
+He maintained, that next to the due care to be taken in the act of
+propagation of each individual, which required all the thought in the
+world, as it laid the foundation of this incomprehensible contexture, in
+which wit, memory, fancy, eloquence, and what is usually meant by the
+name of good natural parts, do consist; --that next to this and his
+christian-name, which were the two original and most efficacious causes
+of all; ----that the third cause, or rather what logicians call the
+_Causa sine quâ non_, and without which all that was done was of no
+manner of significance, ----was the preservation of this delicate and
+fine-spun web, from the havock which was generally made in it by the
+violent compression and crush which the head was made to undergo, by the
+nonsensical method of bringing us into the world by that foremost.
+
+----This requires explanation.
+
+My father, who dipped into all kinds of books, upon looking into
+_Lithopćdus Senonesis de Partu difficili_,[2.1] published by _Adrianus
+Smelvgot_, had found out, that the lax and pliable state of a child's
+head in parturition, the bones of the cranium having no sutures at that
+time, was such, ----that by force of the woman's efforts, which, in
+strong labour-pains, was equal, upon an average, to the weight of 470
+pounds averdupois acting perpendicularly upon it; --it so happened, that
+in 49 instances out of 50, the said head was compressed and moulded into
+the shape of an oblong conical piece of dough, such as a pastry-cook
+generally rolls up in order to make a pye of. --Good God! cried my
+father, what havock and destruction must this make in the infinitely
+fine and tender texture of the cerebellum! --Or if there is such a juice
+as _Borri_ pretends, --is it not enough to make the clearest liquid in
+the world both feculent and mothery?
+
+But how great was his apprehension, when he farther understood, that
+this force acting upon the very vertex of the head, not only injured the
+brain itself, or cerebrum, --but that it necessarily squeezed and
+propelled the cerebrum towards the cerebellum, which was the immediate
+seat of the understanding! ----Angels and ministers of grace defend us!
+cried my father, ----can any soul withstand this shock? --No wonder the
+intellectual web is so rent and tattered as we see it; and that so many
+of our best heads are no better than a puzzled skein of silk, ----all
+perplexity, ----all confusion within-side.
+
+But when my father read on, and was let into the secret, that when a
+child was turned topsy-turvy, which was easy for an operator to do, and
+was extracted by the feet; --that instead of the cerebrum being
+propelled towards the cerebellum, the cerebellum, on the contrary, was
+propelled simply towards the cerebrum, where it could do no manner of
+hurt: ----By heavens! cried he, the world is in conspiracy to drive out
+what little wit God has given us, ----and the professors of the
+obstetric art are lifted into the same conspiracy. --What is it to me
+which end of my son comes foremost into the world, provided all goes
+right after, and his cerebellum escapes uncrushed?
+
+It is the nature of an hypothesis, when once a man has conceived it,
+that it assimilates every thing to itself, as proper nourishment; and,
+from the first moment of your begetting it, it generally grows the
+stronger by every thing you see, hear, read, or understand. This is of
+great use.
+
+When my father was gone with this about a month, there was scarce a
+phćnomenon of stupidity or of genius, which he could not readily solve
+by it; --it accounted for the eldest son being the greatest blockhead in
+the family. ----Poor devil, he would say, --he made way for the capacity
+of his younger brothers. ----It unriddled the observations of drivellers
+and monstrous heads, ----shewing _ŕ priori_, it could not be otherwise,
+----unless **** I don't know what. It wonderfully explained and
+accounted for the acumen of the _Asiatic_ genius, and that sprightlier
+turn, and a more penetrating intuition of minds, in warmer climates; not
+from the loose and common-place solution of a clearer sky, and a more
+perpetual sunshine, &c. --which for aught he knew, might as well rarefy
+and dilute the faculties of the soul into nothing, by one extreme, --as
+they are condensed in colder climates by the other; ----but he traced
+the affair up to its spring-head; --shewed that, in warmer climates,
+nature had laid a lighter tax upon the fairest parts of the creation;
+--their pleasures more; --the necessity of their pains less, insomuch
+that the pressure and resistance upon the vertex was so slight, that the
+whole organisation of the cerebellum was preserved; ----nay, he did not
+believe, in natural births, that so much as a single thread of the
+net-work was broke or displaced, ----so that the soul might just act as
+she liked.
+
+When my father had got so far, ------what a blaze of light did the
+accounts of the _Cćsarian_ section, and of the towering geniuses who had
+come safe into the world by it, cast upon this hypothesis? Here you see,
+he would say, there was no injury done to the sensorium; --no pressure
+of the head against the pelvis; ----no propulsion of the cerebrum
+towards the cerebellum, either by the _os pubis_ on this side, or the
+_os coxygis_ on that; ------and pray, what were the happy consequences?
+Why, Sir, your _Julius Cćsar_, who gave the operation a name; --and your
+_Hermes Trismegistus_, who was born so before ever the operation had a
+name; ----your _Scipio Africanus_; your _Manlius Torquatus_; our
+_Edward_ the Sixth, --who, had he lived, would have done the same honour
+to the hypothesis: ----These, and many more who figured high in the
+annals of fame, --all came _side-way_, Sir, into the world.
+
+The incision of the _abdomen_ and _uterus_ ran for six weeks together in
+my father's head; ----he had read, and was satisfied, that wounds in the
+_epigastrium_, and those in the _matrix_, were not mortal; --so that the
+belly of the mother might be opened extremely well to give a passage to
+the child. --He mentioned the thing one afternoon to my mother,
+------merely as a matter of fact; but seeing her turn as pale as ashes
+at the very mention of it, as much as the operation flattered his hopes,
+--he thought it as well to say no more of it, ----contenting himself
+with admiring, --what he thought was to no purpose to propose.
+
+This was my father Mr. _Shandy's_ hypothesis; concerning which I have
+only to add, that my brother _Bobby_ did as great honour to it (whatever
+he did to the family) as any one of the great heroes we spoke of: For
+happening not only to be christened, as I told you, but to be born too,
+when my father was at _Epsom_, ----being moreover my mother's _first_
+child, --coming into the world with his head _foremost_, --and turning
+out afterwards a lad of wonderful slow parts, ----my father spelt all
+these together into his opinion: and as he had failed at one end, --he
+was determined to try the other.
+
+This was not to be expected from one of the sisterhood, who are not
+easily to be put out of their way, ----and was therefore one of my
+father's great reasons in favour of a man of science, whom he could
+better deal with.
+
+Of all men in the world, Dr. _Slop_ was the fittest for my father's
+purpose; ----for though this new-invented forceps was the armour he had
+proved, and what he maintained to be the safest instrument of
+deliverance, yet, it seems, he had scattered a word or two in his book,
+in favour of the very thing which ran in my father's fancy; ----tho' not
+with a view to the soul's good in extracting by the feet, as was my
+father's system, --but for reasons merely obstetrical.
+
+This will account for the coalition betwixt my father and Dr. _Slop_, in
+the ensuing discourse, which went a little hard against my uncle _Toby_.
+----In what manner a plain man, with nothing but common sense, could
+bear up against two such allies in science, --is hard to conceive. --You
+may conjecture upon it, if you please, ----and whilst your imagination
+is in motion, you may encourage it to go on, and discover by what causes
+and effects in nature it could come to pass, that my uncle _Toby_ got
+his modesty by the wound he received upon his groin. --You may raise a
+system to account for the loss of my nose by marriage-articles, --and
+shew the world how it could happen, that I should have the misfortune to
+be called TRISTAM, in opposition to my father's hypothesis, and the wish
+of the whole family, Godfathers and Godmothers not excepted. --These,
+with fifty other points left yet unravelled, you may endeavour to solve
+if you have time; ----but I tell you beforehand it will be in vain, for
+not the sage _Alquife_, the magician in Don _Belianis_ of _Greece_, nor
+the no less famous _Urganda_, the sorceress his wife, (were they alive),
+could pretend to come within a league of the truth.
+
+The reader will be content to wait for a full explanation of these
+matters till the next year, ----when a series of things will be laid
+open which he little expects.
+
+    [Footnote 2.1: The author is here twice mistaken; for
+    _Lithopćdus_ should be wrote thus, _Lithopćdii Senonensis Icon_.
+    The second mistake is, that this _Lithopćdus_ is not an author,
+    but a drawing of a petrified child. The account of this,
+    published by _Athosius_ 1580, may be seen at the end of
+    _Cordćus's_ works in _Spachius_. Mr. _Tristram Shandy_ has been
+    led into this error, either from seeing _Lithopćdus's_ name of
+    late in a catalogue of learned writers in Dr. ----, or by
+    mistaking _Lithopćdus_ for _Trinecavellius_, ----from the too
+    great similitude of the names.]
+
+
+
+
+BOOK III
+
+
+  Multitudinis imperitć non formido judicia; meis tamen, rogo,
+      parcant opusculis------in quibus fuit propositi semper,
+      a jocis ad seria, a seriis vicissim ad jocos transire.
+
+            --JOAN. SARESBERIENSIS, _Episcopus Lugdun._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+----"_I WISH, Dr. Slop_," quoth my uncle _Toby_, (repeating his wish for
+Dr. _Slop_ a second time, and with a degree of more zeal and earnestness
+in his manner of wishing, than he had wished at first[3.1])---- "_I
+wish, Dr. Slop_," quoth my uncle _Toby_, "_you had seen what prodigious
+armies we had in_ Flanders."
+
+My uncle _Toby's_ wish did Dr. _Slop_ a disservice which his heart never
+intended any man, --Sir, it confounded him----and thereby putting his
+ideas first into confusion, and then to flight, he could not rally them
+again for the soul of him.
+
+In all disputes, ----male or female, ----whether for honour, for profit,
+or for love, --it makes no difference in the case; --nothing is more
+dangerous, Madam, than a wish coming sideways in this unexpected manner
+upon a man: the safest way in general to take off the force of the wish,
+is for the party wish'd at, instantly to get upon his legs--and wish the
+_wisher_ something in return, of pretty near the same value, ----so
+balancing the account upon the spot, you stand as you were--nay
+sometimes gain the advantage of the attack by it.
+
+This will be fully illustrated to the world in my chapter of wishes.--
+
+Dr. _Slop_ did not understand the nature of this defence; --he was
+puzzled with it, and it put an entire stop to the dispute for four
+minutes and a half; --five had been fatal to it: --my father saw the
+danger--the dispute was one of the most interesting disputes in the
+world, "Whether the child of his prayers and endeavours should be born
+without a head or with one:" --he waited to the last moment, to allow
+Dr. _Slop_, in whose behalf the wish was made, his right of returning
+it; but perceiving, I say, that he was confounded, and continued looking
+with that perplexed vacuity of eye which puzzled souls generally stare
+with--first in my uncle _Toby's_ face--then in his--then up--then
+down--then east--east and by east, and so on, ----coasting it along by
+the plinth of the wainscot till he had got to the opposite point of the
+compass, ----and that he had actually begun to count the brass nails
+upon the arm of his chair, --my father thought there was no time to be
+lost with my uncle _Toby_, so took up the discourse as follows.
+
+    [Footnote 3.1: Vide page 105.]  [[end of ch. II.XVIII]]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+"--What prodigious armies you had in _Flanders!_"----
+
+Brother _Toby_, replied my father, taking his wig from off his head with
+his right hand, and with his _left_ pulling out a striped _India_
+handkerchief from his right coat pocket, in order to rub his head, as he
+argued the point with my uncle _Toby_.----
+
+----Now, in this I think my father was much to blame; and I will give
+you my reasons for it.
+
+Matters of no more seeming consequence in themselves than, "_Whether my
+father should have taken off his wig with his right hand or with his
+left_," ----have divided the greatest kingdoms, and made the crowns of
+the monarchs who governed them, to totter upon their heads. ----But need
+I tell you, Sir, that the circumstances with which every thing in this
+world is begirt, give every thing in this world its size and shape!
+--and by tightening it, or relaxing it, this way or that, make the thing
+to be, what it is--great--little--good--bad--indifferent or not
+indifferent, just as the case happens?
+
+As my father's _India_ handkerchief was in his right coat pocket, he
+should by no means have suffered his right hand to have got engaged: on
+the contrary, instead of taking off his wig with it, as he did, he ought
+to have committed that entirely to the left; and then, when the natural
+exigency my father was under of rubbing his head, called out for his
+handkerchief, he would have had nothing in the world to have done, but
+to have put his right hand into his right coat pocket and taken it out;
+----which he might have done without any violence, or the least
+ungraceful twist in any one tendon or muscle of his whole body
+
+In this case, (unless, indeed, my father had been resolved to make a
+fool of himself by holding the wig stiff in his left hand----or by
+making some nonsensical angle or other at his elbow-joint, or
+arm-pit)--his whole attitude had been easy--natural--unforced:
+_Reynolds_ himself, as great and gracefully as he paints, might have
+painted him as he sat.
+
+Now as my father managed this matter, --consider what a devil of a
+figure my father made of himself.
+
+In the latter end of Queen _Anne's_ reign, and in the beginning of the
+reign of King _George_ the first-- "_Coat pockets were cut very low down
+in the skirt_." --I need say no more--the father of mischief, had he
+been hammering at it a month, could not have contrived a worse fashion
+for one in my father's situation.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+It was not an easy matter in any king's reign (unless you were as lean a
+subject as myself) to have forced your hand diagonally, quite across
+your whole body, so as to gain the bottom of your opposite coat pocket.
+----In the year one thousand seven hundred and eighteen, when this
+happened, it was extremely difficult; so that when my uncle _Toby_
+discovered the transverse zig-zaggery of my father's approaches towards
+it, it instantly brought into his mind those he had done duty in, before
+the gate of _St. Nicolas_; ----the idea of which drew off his attention
+so entirely from the subject in debate, that he had got his right hand
+to the bell to ring up _Trim_ to go and fetch his map of _Namur_, and
+his compasses and sector along with it, to measure the returning angles
+of the traverses of that attack, --but particularly of that one, where
+he received his wound upon his groin.
+
+My father knit his brows, and as he knit them, all the blood in his body
+seemed to rush up into his face----my uncle _Toby_ dismounted
+immediately.
+
+----I did not apprehend your uncle _Toby_ was o' horseback.------
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+A man's body and his mind, with the utmost reverence to both I speak it,
+are exactly like a jerkin, and a jerkin's lining; --rumple the one,
+--you rumple the other. There is one certain exception however in this
+case, and that is, when you are so fortunate a fellow, as to have had
+your jerkin made of gum-taffeta, and the body-lining to it of a
+sarcenet, or thin persian.
+
+_Zeno_, _Cleanthes_, _Diogenes Babylonius_, _Dionysius_, _Heracleotes_,
+_Antipater_, _Panćtius_, and _Posidonius_ amongst the _Greeks_;
+----_Cato_ and _Varro_ and _Seneca_ amongst the _Romans_;
+----_Pantćonus_ and _Clemens Alexandrinus_ and _Montaigne_ amongst the
+Christians; and a score and a half of good, honest, unthinking
+_Shandean_ people as ever lived, whose names I can't recollect, --all
+pretended that their jerkins were made after this fashion, --you might
+have rumpled and crumpled, and doubled and creased, and fretted and
+fridged the outside of them all to pieces; ----in short, you might have
+played the very devil with them, and at the same time, not one of the
+insides of them would have been one button the worse, for all you had
+done to them.
+
+I believe in my conscience that mine is made up somewhat after this
+sort: ----for never poor jerkin has been tickled off at such a rate as
+it has been these last nine months together, ----and yet I declare, the
+lining to it, ------as far as I am a judge of the matter, ----is not a
+three-penny piece the worse; --pell-mell, helter-skelter, ding-dong, cut
+and thrust, back stroke and fore stroke, side way and long way, have
+they been trimming it for me: --had there been the least gumminess in my
+lining, --by heaven! it had all of it long ago been frayed and fretted
+to a thread.
+
+------You Messrs. the Monthly reviewers! ------how could you cut and
+slash my jerkin as you did? ----how did you know but you would cut my
+lining too?
+
+Heartily and from my soul, to the protection of that Being who will
+injure none of us, do I recommend you and your affairs, --so God bless
+you; --only next month, if any one of you should gnash his teeth, and
+storm and rage at me, as some of you did last MAY (in which I remember
+the weather was very hot)--don't be exasperated, if I pass it by again
+with good temper, --being determined as long as I live or write (which
+in my case means the same thing) never to give the honest gentleman a
+worse word or a worse wish than my uncle _Toby_ gave the fly which
+buzz'd about his nose all _dinner-time_, ------"Go, --go, poor devil,"
+quoth he, --"get thee gone, --why should I hurt thee? This world is
+surely wide enough to hold both thee and me."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+Any man, Madam, reasoning upwards, and observing the prodigious
+suffusion of blood in my father's countenance, --by means of which
+(as all the blood in his body seemed to rush into his face, as I told
+you) he must have reddened, pictorically and scientifically speaking,
+six whole tints and a half, if not a full octave above his natural
+colour: --any man, Madam, but my uncle _Toby_, who had observed this,
+together with the violent knitting of my father's brows, and the
+extravagant contortion of his body during the whole affair, --would have
+concluded my father in a rage; and taking that for granted, --had he
+been a lover of such kind of concord as arises from two such instruments
+being put in exact tune, --he would instantly have skrew'd up his, to
+the same pitch; --and then the devil and all had broke loose--the whole
+piece, Madam, must have been played off like the sixth of Avison
+Scarlatti--_con furia_, --like mad. --Grant me patience! ----What has
+_con furia_, ----_con strepito_, ----or any other hurly burly whatever
+to do with harmony?
+
+Any man, I say, Madam, but my uncle _Toby_, the benignity of whose heart
+interpreted every motion of the body in the kindest sense the motion
+would admit of, would have concluded my father angry, and blamed him
+too. My uncle _Toby_ blamed nothing but the taylor who cut the
+pocket-hole; ----so sitting still till my father had got his
+handkerchief out of it, and looking all the time up in his face with
+inexpressible good-will----my father, at length, went on as follows.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+"What prodigious armies you had in _Flanders!_" ----Brother _Toby_, quoth
+my father, I do believe thee to be as honest a man, and with as good and
+as upright a heart as ever God created; --nor is it thy fault, if all
+the children which have been, may, can, shall, will, or ought to be
+begotten, come with their heads foremost into the world: ----but believe
+me, dear _Toby_, the accidents which unavoidably waylay them, not only
+in the article of our begetting 'em----though these, in my opinion, are
+well worth considering, ----but the dangers and difficulties our
+children are beset with, after they are got forth into the world, are
+enow--little need is there to expose them to unnecessary ones in their
+passage to it. ----Are these dangers, quoth my uncle _Toby_, laying his
+hand upon my father's knee, and looking up seriously in his face for an
+answer, ----are these dangers greater now o' days, brother, than in
+times past? Brother _Toby_, answered my father, if a child was but
+fairly begot, and born alive, and healthy, and the mother did well after
+it, --our forefathers never looked farther. ----My uncle _Toby_
+instantly withdrew his hand from off my father's knee, reclined his body
+gently back in his chair, raised his head till he could just see the
+cornice of the room, and then directing the buccinatory muscles along
+his cheeks, and the orbicular muscles around his lips to do their
+duty--he whistled _Lillabullero_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+Whilst my uncle _Toby_ was whistling _Lillabullero_ to my father, --Dr.
+_Slop_ was stamping, and cursing and damning at _Obadiah_ at a most
+dreadful rate, ------it would have done your heart good, and cured you,
+Sir, for ever of the vile sin of swearing, to have heard him; I am
+determined therefore to relate the whole affair to you.
+
+When Dr. _Slop's_ maid delivered the green bays bag with her master's
+instruments in it, to _Obadiah_, she very sensibly exhorted him to put
+his head and one arm through the strings, and ride with it slung across
+his body: so undoing the bow-knot, to lengthen the strings for him,
+without any more ado, she helped him on with it. However, as this, in
+some measure, unguarded the mouth of the bag, lest anything should bolt
+out in galloping back, at the speed _Obadiah_ threatened, they consulted
+to take it off again: and in the great care and caution of their hearts,
+they had taken the two strings and tied them close (pursing up the mouth
+of the bag first) with half a dozen hard knots, each of which _Obadiah_,
+to make all safe, had twitched and drawn together with all the strength
+of his body.
+
+This answered all that _Obadiah_ and the maid intended; but was no
+remedy against some evils which neither he or she foresaw. The
+instruments, it seems, as tight as the bag was tied above, had so much
+room to play in it, towards the bottom (the shape of the bag being
+conical) that _Obadiah_ could not make a trot of it, but with such a
+terrible jingle, what with the _tire tęte_, _forceps_, and _squirt_, as
+would have been enough, had _Hymen_ been taking a jaunt that way, to
+have frightened him out of the country; but when _Obadiah_ accelerated
+his motion, and from a plain trot assayed to prick his coach-horse into
+a full gallop----by Heaven! Sir, the jingle was incredible.
+
+As _Obadiah_ had a wife and three children----the turpitude of
+fornication, and the many other political ill consequences of this
+jingling, never once entered his brain, ----he had however his
+objection, which came home to himself, and weighed with him, as it has
+oft-times done with the greatest patriots. ----"_The poor fellow, Sir,
+was not able to hear himself whistle._"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+As _Obadiah_ loved wind-music preferably to all the instrumental music
+he carried with him, --he very considerately set his imagination to
+work, to contrive and to invent by what means he should put himself in a
+condition of enjoying it.
+
+In all distresses (except musical) where small cords are wanted, nothing
+is so apt to enter a man's head as his hat-band: ----the philosophy of
+this is so near the surface ----I scorn to enter into it.
+
+As _Obadiah's_ was a mix'd case----mark, Sirs, ----I say, a mixed case;
+for it was obstetrical, ----_scrip_tical, squirtical, papistical----and
+as far as the coach-horse was concerned in it, ----caballistical----and
+only partly musical; --_Obadiah_ made no scruple of availing himself of
+the first expedient which offered; so taking hold of the bag and
+instruments, and griping them hard together with one hand, and with the
+finger and thumb of the other putting the end of the hat-band betwixt
+his teeth, and then slipping his hand down to the middle of it, --he
+tied and cross-tied them all fast together from one end to the other
+(as you would cord a trunk) with such a multiplicity of roundabouts and
+intricate cross turns, with a hard knot at every intersection or point
+where the strings met, --that Dr. _Slop_ must have had three-fifths of
+_Job's_ patience at least to have unloosed them. --I think in my
+conscience, that had NATURE been in one of her nimble moods, and in
+humour for such a contest----and she and Dr. _Slop_ both fairly started
+together----there is no man living who had seen the bag with all that
+_Obadiah_ had done to it, ----and known likewise the great speed the
+Goddess can make when she thinks proper, who would have had the least
+doubt remaining in his mind--which of the two would have carried off the
+prize. My mother, Madam, had been delivered sooner than the green bag
+infallibly----at least by twenty _knots_. ----Sport of small accidents,
+_Tristram Shandy!_ that thou art, and ever will be! had that trial been
+for thee, and it was fifty to one but it had, ----thy affairs had not
+been so depress'd--(at least by the depression of thy nose) as they have
+been; nor had the fortunes of thy house and the occasions of making
+them, which have so often presented themselves in the course of thy
+life, to thee, been so often, so vexatiously, so tamely, so
+irrecoverably abandoned--as thou hast been forced to leave them; ----but
+'tis over, ----all but the account of 'em, which cannot be given to the
+curious till I am got out into the world.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+Great wits jump: for the moment Dr. _Slop_ cast his eyes upon his bag
+(which he had not done till the dispute with my uncle _Toby_ about
+midwifery put him in mind of it)--the very same thought occurred. --'Tis
+God's mercy, quoth he (to himself) that Mrs. _Shandy_ has had so bad a
+time of it, ----else she might have been brought to bed seven times
+told, before one half of these knots could have got untied. ----But here
+you must distinguish--the thought floated only in Dr. _Slop's_ mind,
+without sail or ballast to it, as a simple proposition; millions of
+which, as your worship knows, are every day swimming quietly in the
+middle of the thin juice of a man's understanding, without being carried
+backwards or forwards, till some little gusts of passion or interest
+drive them to one side.
+
+A sudden trampling in the room above, near my mother's bed, did the
+proposition the very service I am speaking of. By all that's
+unfortunate, quoth Dr. _Slop_, unless I make haste, the thing will
+actually befall me as it is.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+In the case of _knots_, --by which, in the first place, I would not be
+understood to mean slip-knots--because in the course of my life and
+opinions--my opinions concerning them will come in more properly when I
+mention the catastrophe of my great uncle Mr. _Hammond Shandy_, --a
+little man, --but of high fancy: --he rushed into the duke of
+_Monmouth's_ affair: ----nor, secondly, in this place, do I mean that
+particular species of knots called bow-knots; --there is so little
+address, or skill, or patience required in the unloosing them, that they
+are below my giving any opinion at all about them. --But by the knots I
+am speaking of, may it please your reverences to believe, that I mean
+good, honest, devilish tight, hard knots, made _bona fide_, as _Obadiah_
+made his; ----in which there is no quibbling provision made by the
+duplication and return of the two ends of the strings thro' the annulus
+or noose made by the second _implication_ of them--to get them slipp'd
+and undone by. --I hope you apprehend me.
+
+In the case of these _knots_ then, and of the several obstructions,
+which, may it please your reverences, such knots cast in our way in
+getting through life----every hasty man can whip out his penknife and
+cut through them. ----'Tis wrong. Believe me, Sirs, the most virtuous
+way, and which both reason and conscience dictate----is to take our
+teeth or our fingers to them. ----Dr. _Slop_ had lost his teeth--his
+favourite instrument, by extracting in a wrong direction, or by some
+misapplication of it, unfortunately slipping, he had formerly, in a hard
+labour, knock'd out three of the best of them with the handle of it:
+------he tried his fingers--alas; the nails of his fingers and thumbs
+were cut close. ----The duce take it! I can make nothing of it either
+way, cried Dr. _Slop_. ----The trampling overhead near my mother's
+bedside increased. --Pox take the fellow! I shall never get the knots
+untied as long as I live. ----My mother gave a groan. ----Lend me your
+penknife ----I must e'en cut the knots at last----pugh! ----psha!
+--Lord! I have cut my thumb quite across to the very bone----curse the
+fellow--if there was not another man-midwife within fifty miles ----I am
+undone for this bout --I wish the scoundrel hang'd --I wish he was
+shot ----I wish all the devils in hell had him for a blockhead!------
+
+My father had a great respect for _Obadiah_, and could not bear to hear
+him disposed of in such a manner--he had moreover some little respect
+for himself--and could as ill bear with the indignity offered to himself
+in it.
+
+Had Dr. _Slop_ cut any part about him, but his thumb----my father had
+pass'd it by--his prudence had triumphed: as it was, he was determined
+to have his revenge.
+
+Small curses, Dr. _Slop_, upon great occasions, quoth my father
+(condoling with him first upon the accident), are but so much waste of
+our strength and soul's health to no manner of purpose. --I own it,
+replied Dr. _Slop_. --They are like sparrow-shot, quoth my uncle _Toby_
+(suspending his whistling), fired against a bastion. ----They serve,
+continued my father, to stir the humours----but carry off none of their
+acrimony: --for my own part, I seldom swear or curse at all --I hold it
+bad----but if I fall into it by surprize, I generally retain so much
+presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle _Toby_) as to make it answer my
+purpose----that is, I swear on till I find myself easy. A wise and a
+just man however would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to
+these humours, not only to the degree of them stirring within
+himself--but to the size and ill intent of the offence upon which they
+are to fall. --"_Injuries come only from the heart_," --quoth my uncle
+_Toby_. For this reason, continued my father, with the most _Cervantick_
+gravity, I have the greatest veneration in the world for that gentleman,
+who, in distrust of his own discretion in this point, sat down and
+composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of swearing suitable to all
+cases, from the lowest to the highest provocation which could possibly
+happen to him----which forms being well considered by him, and such
+moreover as he could stand to, he kept them ever by him on the
+chimney-piece, within his reach, ready for use. --I never apprehended,
+replied Dr. _Slop_, that such a thing was ever thought of----much less
+executed. I beg your pardon, answered my father; I was reading, though
+not using, one of them to my brother _Toby_ this morning, whilst he
+pour'd out the tea--'tis here upon the shelf over my head; --but if I
+remember right, 'tis too violent for a cut of the thumb. --Not at all,
+quoth Dr. _Slop_--the devil take the fellow. ----Then, answered my
+father, 'Tis much at your service, Dr. _Slop_--on condition you will
+read it aloud; ----so rising up and reaching down a form of
+excommunication of the church of _Rome_, a copy of which, my father (who
+was curious in his collections) had procured out of the leger-book of
+the church of _Rochester_, writ by ERNULPHUS the bishop----with a most
+affected seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled
+ERNULPHUS himself--he put it into Dr. _Slop's_ hands. ----Dr. _Slop_
+wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry
+face, though without any suspicion, read aloud, as follows------my uncle
+_Toby_ whistling _Lillabullero_ as loud as he could all the time.
+
+
+  Textus de Ecclesiâ Roffensi, per Ernulfum Episcopum.
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note:
+
+The following section was printed on facing pages, Latin and English.
+For this e-text it has been broken into alternating paragraphs. The
+letters inserted between Latin lines are alternative endings determined
+by the number and gender of the person(s) being excommunicated.]
+
+
+  CAP. XI
+
+  EXCOMMUNICATIO[3.2]
+
+
+  Ex auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus
+  Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, sanctćque et intemeratć Virginis Dei
+  genetricis Marić,--
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+"By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and
+of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin _Mary_, mother and
+patroness of our Saviour." I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr.
+_Slop_, dropping the paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to
+my father----as you have read it over, Sir, so lately, to read it
+aloud----and as Captain _Shandy_ seems to have no great inclination to
+hear it ------I may as well read it to myself. That's contrary to treaty,
+replied my father: ------besides, there is something so whimsical,
+especially in the latter part of it, I should grieve to lose the
+pleasure of a second reading. Dr. _Slop_ did not altogether like it,
+------but my uncle _Toby_ offering at that instant to give over
+whistling, and read it himself to them; ------Dr. _Slop_ thought he
+might as well read it under the cover of my uncle _Toby's_
+whistling------as suffer my uncle _Toby_ to read it alone; ----so
+raising up the paper to his face, and holding it quite parallel to it,
+in order to hide his chagrin------he read it aloud as follows--------my
+uncle _Toby_ whistling _Lillabullero_, though not quite so loud as
+before.
+
+  ------Atque omnium coelestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum,
+  thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin
+  ac seraphin, & sanctorum patriarchum, prophetarum, & omnium
+  apostolorum & evangelistarum, & sanctorum innocentum, qui
+  in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare
+  novum, et sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum, et
+  sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum
+                                         _vel_ os
+  Dei, ----Excommunicamus, et anathematizamus hunc
+      s _vel_ os             s
+  furem, vel hunc malefactorem, N. N. et a liminibus sanctć Dei
+                                                   _vel_ i         n
+  ecclesić sequestramus, et ćternis suppliciis excruciandus, mancipetur,
+  cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui dixerunt Domino
+  Deo, Recede ŕ nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus: et
+                                                 _vel_ eorum
+  sicut aquâ ignis extinguitur, sic extinguatur lucerna ejus in
+                                n                             n
+  secula seculorum nisi resipuerit, et ad satisfactionem venerit.
+  Amen.
+
+"By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and
+of the undefiled Virgin _Mary_, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and
+of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions,
+powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs,
+prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy
+innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing
+the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy
+virgins, and of all the saints, together with the holy and elect of God,
+----May he" (_Obadiah_) "be damn'd" (for tying these knots)---- "We
+excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the holy
+church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented,
+disposed, and delivered over with _Dathan_ and _Abiram_, and with those
+who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways.
+And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out
+for evermore, unless it shall repent him" (_Obadiah_, of the knots which
+he has tied) "and make satisfaction" (for them) "Amen."
+
+               os
+  Maledicat illum Deus Pater qui hominem creavit. Maledicat
+     os                                                    os
+  illum Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est. Maledicat illum
+                                                             os
+  Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo effusus est. Maledicat illum
+  sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostrâ salute hostem triumphans
+  ascendit.
+
+"May the Father who created man, curse him. ----May the Son who suffered
+for us, curse him. ----May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in
+baptism, curse him (_Obadiah_) ----May the holy cross which Christ,
+for our salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.
+
+               os
+  Maledicat illum sancta Dei genetrix et perpetua Virgo Maria.
+               os
+  Maledicat illum sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sacrarum.
+                os
+  Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et
+  potestates, omnisque militia coelestis.
+
+"May the holy and eternal Virgin _Mary_, mother of God, curse him.
+------May St. _Michael_, the advocate of holy souls, curse him. ----May
+all the angels and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the
+heavenly armies, curse him." [Our armies swore terribly in _Flanders_,
+cried my uncle _Toby_, ------but nothing to this. ------For my own part
+I could not have a heart to curse my dog so.]
+
+               os
+  Maledicat illum patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis
+                        os
+  numerus. Maledicat illum sanctus Johannes Prćcusor et
+  Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque
+  sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi apostoli, simul et cćteri
+  discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelistć, qui sua prćdicatione
+                                              os
+  mundum universum converterunt. Maledicat illum cuneus
+  martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo bonis operibus
+  placitus inventus est.
+
+"May St. John, the Prćcursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter
+and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ's apostles, together
+curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who
+by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and
+wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are
+found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him" (_Obadiah_).
+
+                os
+  Maledicant illum sacrarum virginum chori, quć mundi vana
+  causa honoris Christi respuenda contempserunt. Maledicant
+     os
+  illum omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem seculi
+  Deo dilecti inveniuntur.
+
+                os
+  Maledicant illum coeli et terra, et omnia sancta in eis manentia.
+
+"May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ
+have despised the things of the world, damn him ----May all the saints,
+who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be
+beloved of God, damn him ------May the heavens and earth, and all the
+holy things remaining therein, damn him" (_Obadiah_) "or her"
+(or whoever else had a hand in tying these knots).
+
+          i   n                n
+  Maledictus sit ubicunque fuerit, sive in domo, sive in agro,
+  sive in viâ, sive in semitâ, sive in silvâ, sive in aquâ, sive in
+  ecclesiâ.
+
+          i   n
+  Maledictus sit vivendo, moriendo, ----------------------------
+            ------            ------            ------
+            ------            ------            ------
+            ------            ------            ------
+  manducando, bibendo, esuriendo, sitiendo, jejunando, dormitando,
+  dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando, stando, sedendo,
+  jacendo, operando, quiescendo, mingendo, cacando, flebotomando.
+
+"May he (_Obadiah_) be damn'd wherever he be----whether in the house or
+the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or
+in the wood, or in the water, or in the church. ----May he be cursed in
+living, in dying." [Here my uncle _Toby_, taking the advantage of a
+_minim_ in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note
+to the end of the sentence. ----Dr. _Slop_, with his division of curses
+moving under him, like a running bass all the way.] "May he be cursed in
+eating, and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in
+sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying,
+in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-letting!"
+
+          i   n
+  Maledictus sit in totis viribus corporis,
+
+"May he" (_Obadiah_) "be cursed in all the faculties of his body!
+
+          i   n
+  Maledictus sit intus et exterius.
+
+          i   n                       i   n                      i
+  Maledictus sit in capillis; maledictus sit in cerebro. Maledictus
+   n
+  sit in vertice, in temporibus, in fronte, in auriculis, in
+  superciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis, in naribus, in
+  dentibus, mordacibus, sive molaribus, in labiis, in guttere, in
+  humeris, in harnis, in brachiis, in manubus, in digitis, in pectore,
+  in corde, et in omnibus interioribus stomacho tenus, in renibus,
+  in inguinibus, in femore, in genitalibus, in coxis, in genubus,
+  in cruribus, in pedibus, et in inguibus.
+
+"May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly! ------May he be cursed in the
+hair of his head! ----May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertex"
+(that is a sad curse, quoth my father), "in his temples, in his
+forehead, in his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his
+jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips,
+in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his
+hands, in his fingers!
+
+"May he be damn'd in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and
+purtenance, down to the very stomach!
+
+"May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin" (God in heaven forbid!
+quoth my uncle _Toby_), "in his thighs, in his genitals" (my father
+shook his head), "and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and feet,
+and toe-nails!
+
+  Maledictus sit in totis compagibus membrorum, a vertice
+  capitis, usque ad plantam pedis--non sit in eo sanitas.
+
+"May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of his members,
+from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no
+soundness in him!
+
+  Maledicat illum Christus Filius Dei vivi toto suć majestatis
+  imperio.----
+
+"May the Son of the living God, with all the glory of his Majesty"
+----[Here my uncle _Toby_, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous,
+long, loud Whew--w--w--------something betwixt the interjectional
+whistle of _Hay-day!_ and the word itself.------
+
+----By the golden beard of _Jupiter_--and of _Juno_ (if her majesty wore
+one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by
+the bye was no small number, since what with the beards of your
+celestial gods, and gods aerial and aquatick--to say nothing of the
+beards of town-gods and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your
+wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is
+in case they wore them)------all which beards, as _Varro_ tells me, upon
+his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than thirty
+thousand effective beards upon the Pagan establishment; ----every beard
+of which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn
+by--by all these beards together then ----I vow and protest, that of the
+two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better
+of them, as freely as ever _Cid Hamet_ offered his----to have stood by,
+and heard my uncle _Toby's_ accompanyment.]
+
+  ----et insurgat adversus illum coelum cum omnibus virtutibus
+  quć in eo moventur ad _damnandum_ eum, nisi penituerit et ad
+  satisfactionem venerit. Amen. Fiat, fiat. Amen.
+
+----"curse him!" continued Dr. _Slop_, --"and may heaven, with all the
+powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn him"
+(_Obadiah_) "unless he repent and make satisfaction! Amen. So be it,
+--so be it. Amen."
+
+I declare, quoth my uncle _Toby_, my heart would not let me curse the
+devil himself with so much bitterness. --He is the father of curses,
+replied Dr. _Slop_. ----So am not I, replied my uncle. ----But he is
+cursed, and damn'd already, to all eternity, replied Dr. _Slop_.
+
+I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle _Toby_.
+
+Dr. _Slop_ drew up his mouth, and was just beginning to return my uncle
+_Toby_ the compliment of his Whu--u--u--or interjectional
+whistle----when the door hastily opening in the next chapter but
+one----put an end to the affair.
+
+    [Footnote 3.2: As the genuineness of the consultation of the
+    _Sorbonne_ upon the question of baptism, was doubted by some,
+    and denied by others----'twas thought proper to print the
+    original of this excommunication; for the copy of which Mr.
+    _Shandy_ returns thanks to the chapter clerk of the dean and
+    chapter of _Rochester_.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+Now don't let us give ourselves a parcel of airs, and pretend that the
+oaths we make free with in this land of liberty of ours are our own; and
+because we have the spirit to swear them, ----imagine that we have had
+the wit to invent them too.
+
+I'll undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the world, except
+to a connoisseur: ----though I declare I object only to a connoisseur in
+swearing, ----as I would do to a connoisseur in painting, &c., &c., the
+whole set of 'em are so hung round and _befetish'd_ with the bobs and
+trinkets of criticism, ----or to drop my metaphor, which by the bye is a
+pity, ----for I have fetch'd it as far as from the coast of _Guiney_;
+--their heads, Sir, are stuck so full of rules and compasses, and have
+that eternal propensity to apply them upon all occasions, that a work of
+genius had better go to the devil at once, than stand to be prick'd and
+tortured to death by 'em.
+
+--And how did _Garrick_ speak the soliloquy last night? --Oh, against
+all rule, my lord, --most ungrammatically! betwixt the substantive and
+the adjective, which should agree together in _number_, _case_, and
+_gender_, he made a breach thus, --stopping, as if the point wanted
+settling; --and betwixt the nominative case, which your lordship knows
+should govern the verb, he suspended his voice in the epilogue a dozen
+times three seconds and three-fifths by a stop-watch, my lord, each
+time, --Admirable grammarian! ----But in suspending his voice----was the
+sense suspended likewise? Did no expression of attitude or countenance
+fill up the chasm? ----Was the eye silent? Did you narrowly look?
+------I look'd only at the stop-watch, my lord. --Excellent observer!
+
+And what of this new book the whole world makes such a rout about?
+----Oh! 'tis out of all plumb, my lord, ----quite an irregular thing!
+--not one of the angles at the four corners was a right angle. --I had
+my rule and compasses, &c., my lord, in my pocket. --Excellent critick!
+
+----And for the epick poem your lordship bid me look at----upon taking
+the length, breadth, height, and depth of it, and trying them at home
+upon an exact scale of _Bossu's_----'tis out, my lord, in every one of
+its dimensions. --Admirable connoisseur!
+
+----And did you step in, to take a look at the grand picture in your way
+back? --'Tis a melancholy daub! my lord; not one principle of the
+_pyramid_ in any one group! ----and what a price! ----for there is
+nothing of the colouring of _Titian_--the expression of _Rubens_--the
+grace of _Raphael_--the purity of _Dominichino_--the _corregiescity_ of
+_Corregio_--the learning of _Poussin_--the airs of _Guido_--the taste of
+the _Carrachis_--or the grand contour of _Angela_. --Grant me patience,
+just Heaven! --Of all the cants which are canted in this canting
+world--though the cant of hypocrites may be the worst----the cant of
+criticism is the most tormenting!
+
+I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not a horse worth riding on,
+to kiss the hand of that man whose generous heart will give up the reins
+of his imagination into his author's hands----be pleased he knows not
+why, and cares not wherefore.
+
+Great _Apollo!_ if thou art in a giving humour--give me --I ask no more,
+but one stroke of native humour, with a single spark of thy own fire
+along with it----and send _Mercury_, with the _rules and compasses_, if
+he can be spared, with my compliments to--no matter.
+
+Now to any one else I will undertake to prove, that all the oaths and
+imprecations which we have been puffing off upon the world for these two
+hundred and fifty years last past as originals----except St. _Paul's
+thumb_----_God's flesh and God's fish_, which were oaths monarchical,
+and, considering who made them, not much amiss; and as kings' oaths,
+'tis not much matter whether they were fish or flesh; --else I say,
+there is not an oath, or at least a curse amongst them, which has not
+been copied over and over again out of _Ernulphus_ a thousand times:
+but, like all other copies, how infinitely short of the force and spirit
+of the original! --It is thought to be no bad oath----and by itself
+passes very well-- "_G--d damn you._" --Set it beside _Ernulphus's_----
+"God Almighty the Father damn you --God the Son damn you --God the Holy
+Ghost damn you"--you see 'tis nothing. --There is an orientality in his,
+we cannot rise up to: besides, he is more copious in his
+invention--possess'd more of the excellencies of a swearer----had such a
+thorough knowledge of the human frame, its membranes, nerves, ligaments,
+knittings of the joints, and articulations, ----that when _Ernulphus_
+cursed--no part escaped him. --'Tis true there is something of a
+_hardness_ in his manner----and, as in _Michael Angelo_, a want of
+_grace_----but then there is such a greatness of _gusto!_
+
+My father, who generally look'd upon everything in a light very
+different from all mankind, would, after all, never allow this to be an
+original. ----He considered rather, _Ernulphus's_ anathema, as an
+institute of swearing, in which, as he suspected, upon the decline of
+_swearing_ in some milder pontificate, _Ernulphus_, by order of the
+succeeding pope, had with great learning and diligence collected
+together all the laws of it; --for the same reason that _Justinian_, in
+the decline of the empire, had ordered his chancellor _Tribonian_ to
+collect the _Roman_ or civil laws all together into one code or
+digest----lest, through the rust of time----and the fatality of all
+things committed to oral tradition--they should be lost to the world for
+ever.
+
+For this reason my father would oft-times affirm, there was not an oath,
+from the great and tremendous oath of _William_ the Conqueror (_By the
+splendour of God_) down to the lowest oath of a scavenger (_Damn your
+eyes_) which was not to be found in _Ernulphus_. --In short, he would
+add --I defy a man to swear _out_ of it.
+
+The hypothesis is, like most of my father's, singular and ingenious too;
+----nor have I any objection to it, but that it overturns my own.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+----Bless my soul! --my poor mistress is ready to faint----and her pains
+are gone--and the drops are done--and the bottle of julap is
+broke----and the nurse has cut her arm--(and I, my thumb, cried Dr.
+_Slop_,) and the child is where it was, continued _Susannah_, --and the
+midwife has fallen backwards upon the edge of the fender, and bruised
+her hip as black as your hat. --I'll look at it, quoth Dr. _Slop_.
+--There is no need of that, replied _Susannah_, --you had better look at
+my mistress--but the midwife would gladly first give you an account how
+things are, so desires you would go up stairs and speak to her this
+moment.
+
+Human nature is the same in all professions.
+
+The midwife had just before been put over Dr. _Slop's_ head --He had not
+digested it, --No, replied Dr. _Slop_, 'twould be full as proper, if the
+midwife came down to me. --I like subordination, quoth my uncle _Toby_,
+--and but for it, after the reduction of _Lisle_, I know not what might
+have become of the garrison of _Ghent_, in the mutiny for bread, in the
+year Ten. --Nor, replied Dr. _Slop_, (parodying my uncle _Toby's_
+hobby-horsical reflection; though full as hobby-horsical
+himself)------do I know, Captain _Shandy_, what might have become of the
+garrison above stairs, in the mutiny and confusion I find all things are
+in at present, but for the subordination of fingers and thumbs to
+******------the application of which, Sir, under this accident of mine,
+comes in so _ŕ propos_, that without it, the cut upon my thumb might
+have been felt by the _Shandy_ family, as long as the _Shandy_ family
+had a name.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+Let us go back to the ******----in the last chapter.
+
+It is a singular stroke of eloquence (at least it was so, when eloquence
+flourished at _Athens_ and _Rome_, and would be so now, did orators wear
+mantles) not to mention the name of a thing, when you had the thing
+about you _in petto_, ready to produce, pop, in the place you want it.
+A scar, an axe, a sword, a pink'd doublet, a rusty helmet, a pound and a
+half of pot-ashes in an urn, or a three-halfpenny pickle pot--but above
+all, a tender infant royally accoutred. --Tho' if it was too young, and
+the oration as long as _Tully's_ second _Philippick_--it must certainly
+have beshit the orator's mantle. --And then again, if too old, --it must
+have been unwieldy and incommodious to his action--so as to make him
+lose by his child almost as much as he could gain by it. --Otherwise,
+when a state orator has hit the precise age to a minute----hid his
+BAMBINO in his mantle so cunningly that no mortal could smell it----and
+produced it so critically, that no soul could say, it came in by head
+and shoulders --Oh Sirs! it has done wonders --It has open'd the sluices,
+and turn'd the brains, and shook the principles, and unhinged the
+politicks of half a nation.
+
+These feats however are not to be done, except in those states and
+times, I say, where orators wore mantles----and pretty large ones too,
+my brethren, with some twenty or five-and-twenty yards of good purple,
+superfine, marketable cloth in them--with large flowing folds and
+doubles, and in a great style of design. --All which plainly shews, may
+it please your worships, that the decay of eloquence, and the little
+good service it does at present, both within and without doors, is owing
+to nothing else in the world, but short coats, and the disuse of
+_trunk-hose_. ----We can conceal nothing under ours, Madam, worth
+shewing.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+Dr. _Slop_ was within an ace of being an exception to all this
+argumentation: for happening to have his green bays bag upon his knees,
+when he began to parody my uncle _Toby_--'twas as good as the best
+mantle in the world to him: for which purpose, when he foresaw the
+sentence would end in his new-invented _forceps_, he thrust his hand
+into the bag in order to have them ready to clap in, when your
+reverences took so much notice of the ***, which had he managed----my
+uncle _Toby_ had certainly been overthrown: the sentence and the
+argument in that case jumping closely in one point, so like the two
+lines which form the salient angle of a ravelin, ----Dr. _Slop_ would
+never have given them up; --and my uncle _Toby_ would as soon have
+thought of flying, as taking them by force: but Dr. _Slop_ fumbled so
+vilely in pulling them out, it took off the whole effect, and what was a
+ten times worse evil (for they seldom come alone in this life) in
+pulling out his _forceps_, his _forceps_ unfortunately drew out the
+_squirt_ along with it.
+
+When a proposition can be taken in two senses--'tis a law in
+disputation, That the respondent may reply to which of the two he
+pleases, or finds most convenient for him. ----This threw the advantage
+of the argument quite on my uncle _Toby's_ side. ----"Good God!" cried
+my uncle _Toby_, "_are children brought into the world with a squirt?_"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+--Upon my honour, Sir, you have tore every bit of skin quite off the
+back of both my hands with your forceps, cried my uncle _Toby_--and you
+have crush'd all my knuckles into the bargain with them to a jelly. 'Tis
+your own fault, said Dr. _Slop_----you should have clinch'd your two
+fists together into the form of a child's head as I told you, and sat
+firm. I did so, answered my uncle _Toby_. ----Then the points of my
+forceps have not been sufficiently arm'd, or the rivet wants closing--or
+else the cut in my thumb has made me a little aukward--or possibly--'Tis
+well, quoth my father, interrupting the detail of possibilities--that
+the experiment was not first made upon my child's head-piece. ------It
+would not have been a cherry-stone the worse, answered Dr. _Slop_. --I
+maintain it, said my uncle _Toby_, it would have broke the cerebellum
+(unless indeed the skull had been as hard as a granado) and turn'd it
+all into a perfect posset. ------Pshaw! replied Dr. _Slop_, a child's
+head is naturally as soft as the pap of an apple; --the sutures give
+way--and besides, I could have extracted by the feet after. --Not you,
+said she. ----I rather wish you would begin that way, quoth my father.
+
+Pray do, added my uncle _Toby_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+----And pray, good woman, after all, will you take upon you to say, it
+may not be the child's hip, as well as the child's head? ------'Tis most
+certainly the head, replied the midwife. Because, continued Dr. _Slop_
+(turning to my father) as positive as these old ladies generally
+are--'tis a point very difficult to know--and yet of the greatest
+consequence to be known; ----because, Sir, if the hip is mistaken for
+the head--there is a possibility (if it is a boy) that the forceps
+* * * * * *
+
+----What the possibility was, Dr. _Slop_ whispered very low to my
+father, and then to my uncle _Toby_. ----There is no such danger,
+continued he, with the head. --No, in truth, quoth my father--but when
+your possibility has taken place at the hip--you may as well take off
+the head too.
+
+----It is morally impossible the reader should understand this----'tis
+enough Dr. _Slop_ understood it; ----so taking the green bays bag in his
+hand, with the help of _Obadiah's_ pumps, he tripp'd pretty nimbly, for
+a man of his size, across the room to the door------and from the door
+was shewn the way, by the good old midwife, to my mother's apartments.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+It is two hours, and ten minutes--and no more--cried my father, looking
+at his watch, since Dr. _Slop_ and _Obadiah_ arrived--and I know not how
+it happens, brother _Toby_--but to my imagination it seems almost an
+age.
+
+----Here--pray, Sir, take hold of my cap--nay, take the bell along with
+it, and my pantoufles too.
+
+Now, Sir, they are all at your service; and I freely make you a present
+of 'em, on condition you give me all your attention to this chapter.
+
+Though my father said, "_he knew not how it happen'd_," --yet he knew
+very well how it happen'd; ----and at the instant he spoke it, was
+pre-determined in his mind to give my uncle _Toby_ a clear account of
+the matter by a metaphysical dissertation upon the subject of _duration
+and its simple modes_, in order to shew my uncle _Toby_ by what
+mechanism and mensurations in the brain it came to pass, that the rapid
+succession of their ideas, and the eternal scampering of the discourse
+from one thing to another, since Dr. _Slop_ had come into the room, had
+lengthened out so short a period to so inconceivable an extent. ----"I
+know not how it happens--cried my father, --but it seems an age."
+
+----'Tis owing entirely, quoth my uncle _Toby_, to the succession of our
+ideas.
+
+My father, who had an itch, in common with all philosophers, of
+reasoning upon everything which happened, and accounting for it
+too--proposed infinite pleasure to himself in this, of the succession of
+ideas, and had not the least apprehension of having it snatch'd out of
+his hands by my uncle _Toby_, who (honest man!) generally took
+everything as it happened; ----and who, of all things in the world,
+troubled his brain the least with abstruse thinking; --the ideas of time
+and space--or how we came by those ideas--or of what stuff they were
+made----or whether they were born with us--or we picked them up
+afterwards as we went along--or whether we did it in frocks----or not
+till we had got into breeches--with a thousand other inquiries and
+disputes about INFINITY, PRESCIENCE, LIBERTY, NECESSITY, and so forth,
+upon whose desperate and unconquerable theories so many fine heads have
+been turned and cracked----never did my uncle _Toby's_ the least injury
+at all; my father knew it--and was no less surprized than he was
+disappointed, with my uncle's fortuitous solution.
+
+Do you understand the theory of that affair? replied my father.
+
+Not I, quoth my uncle.
+
+--But you have some ideas, said my father, of what you talk about?--
+
+No more than my horse, replied my uncle _Toby_.
+
+Gracious heaven! cried my father, looking upwards, and clasping his two
+hands together----there is a worth in thy honest ignorance, brother
+_Toby_----'twere almost a pity to exchange it for a knowledge. --But
+I'll tell thee.----
+
+To understand what _time_ is aright, without which we never can
+comprehend _infinity_, insomuch as one is a portion of the other----we
+ought seriously to sit down and consider what idea it is we have of
+_duration_, so as to give a satisfactory account how we came by it.
+----What is that to anybody? quoth my uncle _Toby_. [3.3]_For if you
+will turn your eyes inwards upon your mind_, continued my father, _and
+observe attentively, you will perceive, brother, that whilst you and I
+are talking together, and thinking, and smoking our pipes, or whilst we
+receive successively ideas in our minds, we know that we do exist, and
+so we estimate the existence, or the continuation of the existence of
+ourselves, or anything else, commensurate to the succession of any ideas
+in our minds, the duration of ourselves, or any such other thing
+co-existing with our thinking----and so according to that
+preconceived_ ------You puzzle me to death, cried my uncle _Toby_.
+
+------'Tis owing to this, replied my father, that in our computations of
+_time_, we are so used to minutes, hours, weeks, and months----and of
+clocks (I wish there was not a clock in the kingdom) to measure out
+their several portions to us, and to those who belong to us----that
+'twill be well, if in time to come, the _succession of our ideas_ be of
+any use or service to us at all.
+
+Now, whether we observe it or no, continued my father, in every sound
+man's head, there is a regular succession of ideas of one sort or other,
+which follow each other in train just like ------A train of artillery?
+said my uncle _Toby_ ----A train of a fiddle-stick! --quoth my
+father--which follow and succeed one another in our minds at certain
+distances, just like the images in the inside of a lanthorn turned round
+by the heat of a candle. --I declare, quoth my uncle _Toby_, mine are
+more like a smoak-jack. ------Then, brother _Toby_, I have nothing more
+to say to you upon that subject, said my father.
+
+    [Footnote 3.3: Vide Locke.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+----What a conjecture was here lost! ----My father in one of his best
+explanatory moods--in eager pursuit of a metaphysical point into the
+very regions, where clouds and thick darkness would soon have
+encompassed it about; --my uncle _Toby_ in one of the finest
+dispositions for it in the world; --his head like a smoak-jack; ----the
+funnel unswept, and the ideas whirling round and round about in it, all
+obfuscated and darkened over with fuliginous matter! --By the tomb-stone
+of _Lucian_----if it is in being----if not, why then by his ashes! by
+the ashes of my dear _Rabelais_, and dearer _Cervantes!_------my father
+and my uncle _Toby's_ discourse upon TIME and ETERNITY----was a
+discourse devoutly to be wished for! and the petulancy of my father's
+humour, in putting a stop to it as he did, was a robbery of the
+_Ontologic Treasury_ of such a jewel, as no coalition of great occasions
+and great men are ever likely to restore to it again.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+Tho' my father persisted in not going on with the discourse--yet he
+could not get my uncle _Toby's_ smoak-jack out of his head--piqued as he
+was at first with it; --there was something in the comparison at the
+bottom, which hit his fancy; for which purpose, resting his elbow upon
+the table, and reclining the right side of his head upon the palm of his
+hand----but looking first stedfastly in the fire----he began to commune
+with himself, and philosophize about it: but his spirits being wore out
+with the fatigues of investigating new tracts, and the constant exertion
+of his faculties upon that variety of subjects which had taken their
+turn in the discourse------the idea of the smoak-jack soon turned all
+his ideas upside down--so that he fell asleep almost before he knew what
+he was about.
+
+As for my uncle _Toby_, his smoak-jack had not made a dozen revolutions,
+before he fell asleep also. ----Peace be with them both! ----Dr. _Slop_
+is engaged with the midwife and my mother above stairs. ----_Trim_ is
+busy in turning an old pair of jackboots into a couple of mortars, to be
+employed in the siege of _Messina_ next summer--and is this instant
+boring the touch-holes with the point of a hot poker. ----All my heroes
+are off my hands; --'tis the first time I have had a moment to
+spare--and I'll make use of it, and write my preface.
+
+
+
+
+THE AUTHOR'S PREFACE
+
+
+No, I'll not say a word about it----here it is; --in publishing it --I
+have appealed to the world----and to the world I leave it; --it must
+speak for itself.
+
+All I know of the matter is--when I sat down, my intent was to write a
+good book; and as far as the tenuity of my understanding would hold
+out--a wise, aye, and a discreet--taking care only, as I went along, to
+put into it all the wit and the judgment (be it more or less) which the
+great Author and Bestower of them had thought fit originally to give
+me------so that, as your worships see--'tis just as God pleases.
+
+Now, _Agelastes_ (speaking dispraisingly) sayeth, That there may be some
+wit in it, for aught he knows----but no judgment at all. And
+_Triptolemus_ and _Phutatorius_ agreeing thereto, ask, How is it
+possible there should? for that wit and judgment in this world never go
+together; inasmuch as they are two operations differing from each other
+as wide as east from west ------So, says _Locke_----so are farting and
+hickuping, say I. But in answer to this, _Didius_ the great church
+lawyer, in his code _de fartendi et illustrandi fallaciis_, doth
+maintain and make fully appear, That an illustration is no
+argument----nor do I maintain the wiping of a looking-glass clean to be
+a syllogism; ----but you all, may it please your worships, see the
+better for it------so that the main good these things do is only to
+clarify the understanding, previous to the application of the argument
+itself, in order to free it from any little motes, or specks of opacular
+matter, which, if left swimming therein, might hinder a conception and
+spoil all.
+
+Now, my dear anti-Shandeans, and thrice able criticks, and
+fellow-labourers (for to you I write this Preface)------and to you,
+most subtle statesmen and discreet doctors (do--pull off your beards)
+renowned for gravity and wisdom; ----_Monopolus_, my politician--
+_Didius_, my counsel; _Kysarcius_, my friend; --_Phutatorius_, my guide;
+----_Gastripheres_, the preserver of my life; _Somnolentius_, the balm
+and repose of it----not forgetting all others, as well sleeping as
+waking, ecclesiastical as civil, whom for brevity, but out of no
+resentment to you, I lump all together. ------Believe me, right worthy,
+
+My most zealous wish and fervent prayer in your behalf, and in my own
+too, in case the thing is not done already for us----is, that the great
+gifts and endowments both of wit and judgment, with everything which
+usually goes along with them------such as memory, fancy, genius,
+eloquence, quick parts, and what not, may this precious moment, without
+stint or measure, let or hindrance, be poured down warm as each of us
+could bear it--scum and sediment and all (for I would not have a drop
+lost) into the several receptacles, cells, cellules, domiciles,
+dormitories, refectories, and spare places of our brains------in such
+sort, that they might continue to be injected and tunn'd into, according
+to the true intent and meaning of my wish, until every vessel of them,
+both great and small, be so replenish'd, saturated, and filled up
+therewith, that no more, would it save a man's life, could possibly be
+got either in or out.
+
+Bless us! --what noble work we should make! ----how should I tickle it
+off! ----and what spirits should I find myself in, to be writing away
+for such readers! ----and you--just heaven! ----with what raptures would
+you sit and read--but oh! --'tis too much ----I am sick ----I faint away
+deliciously at the thoughts of it--'tis more than nature can bear! --lay
+hold of me ----I am giddy --I am stone blind --I'm dying --I am gone.
+--Help! Help! Help! --But hold --I grow something better again, for I am
+beginning to foresee, when this is over, that as we shall all of us
+continue to be great wits--we should never agree amongst ourselves, one
+day to an end: ----there would be so much satire and sarcasm----scoffing
+and flouting, with raillying and reparteeing of it--thrusting and
+parrying in one corner or another----there would be nothing but mischief
+among us ----Chaste stars! what biting and scratching, and what a racket
+and a clatter we should make, what with breaking of heads, rapping of
+knuckles, and hitting of sore places--there would be no such thing as
+living for us.
+
+But then again, as we should all of us be men of great judgment, we
+should make up matters as fast as ever they went wrong; and though we
+should abominate each other ten times worse than so many devils or
+devilesses, we should nevertheless, my dear creatures, be all courtesy
+and kindness, milk and honey--'twould be a second land of promise--a
+paradise upon earth, if there was such a thing to be had--so that upon
+the whole we should have done well enough.
+
+All I fret and fume at, and what most distresses my invention at
+present, is how to bring the point itself to bear; for as your worships
+well know, that of these heavenly emanations of _wit_ and _judgment_,
+which I have so bountifully wished both for your worships and
+myself--there is but a certain _quantum_ stored up for us all, for the
+use and behoof of the whole race of mankind; and such small _modicums_
+of 'em are only sent forth into this wide world, circulating here and
+there in one bye corner or another--and in such narrow streams, and at
+such prodigious intervals from each other, that one would wonder how it
+holds out, or could be sufficient for the wants and emergencies of so
+many great estates, and populous empires.
+
+Indeed there is one thing to be considered, that in _Nova Zembla_,
+_North Lapland_, and in all those cold and dreary tracts of the globe,
+which lie more directly under the arctick and antarctick circles, where
+the whole province of a man's concernments lies for near nine months
+together within the narrow compass of his cave--where the spirits are
+compressed almost to nothing--and where the passions of a man, with
+everything which belongs to them, are as frigid as the zone
+itself--there the least quantity of _judgment_ imaginable does the
+business--and of _wit_----there is a total and an absolute saving--for
+as not one spark is wanted--so not one spark is given. Angels and
+ministers of grace defend us! what a dismal thing would it have been to
+have governed a kingdom, to have fought a battle, or made a treaty, or
+run a match, or wrote a book, or got a child, or held a provincial
+chapter there, with so _plentiful a lack_ of wit and judgment about us!
+For mercy's sake, let us think no more about it, but travel on as fast
+as we can southwards into _Norway_--crossing over _Swedeland_, if you
+please, through the small triangular province of _Angermania_ to the
+lake of _Bothnia_; coasting along it through east and west _Bothnia_,
+down to _Carelia_, and so on, through all those states and provinces
+which border upon the far side of the _Gulf of Finland_, and the
+north-east of the _Baltick_, up to _Petersbourg_, and just stepping into
+_Ingria_; --then stretching over directly from thence through the north
+parts of the _Russian_ empire--leaving _Siberia_ a little upon the left
+hand, till we got into the very heart of _Russian_ and _Asiatick
+Tartary_.
+
+Now throughout this long tour which I have led you, you observe the good
+people are better off by far, than in the polar countries which we have
+just left: --for if you hold your hand over your eyes, and look very
+attentively, you may perceive some small glimmerings (as it were) of
+wit, with a comfortable provision of good plain _household_ judgment,
+which, taking the quality and quantity of it together, they make a very
+good shift with------and had they more of either the one or the other,
+it would destroy the proper balance betwixt them, and I am satisfied
+moreover they would want occasions to put them to use.
+
+Now, Sir, if I conduct you home again into this warmer and more
+luxuriant island, where you perceive the spring-tide of our blood and
+humours runs high------where we have more ambition, and pride, and envy,
+and lechery, and other whoreson passions upon our hands to govern and
+subject to reason------the _height_ of our wit, and the _depth_ of our
+judgment, you see, are exactly proportioned to the _length_ and
+_breadth_ of our necessities------and accordingly we have them sent down
+amongst us in such a flowing kind of descent and creditable plenty, that
+no one thinks he has any cause to complain.
+
+It must however be confessed on this head, that, as our air blows hot
+and cold--wet and dry, ten times in a day, we have them in no regular
+and settled way; --so that sometimes for near half a century together,
+there shall be very little wit or judgment either to be seen or heard of
+amongst us: ----the small channels of them shall seem quite dried
+up----then all of a sudden the sluices shall break out, and take a fit
+of running again like fury----you would think they would never stop:
+----and then it is, that in writing, and fighting, and twenty other
+gallant things, we drive all the world before us.
+
+It is by these observations, and a wary reasoning by analogy in that
+kind of argumentative process, which _Suidas_ calls _dialectick
+induction_------that I draw and set up this position as most true and
+veritable;
+
+That of these two luminaries so much of their irradiations are suffered
+from time to time to shine down upon us, as he, whose infinite wisdom
+which dispenses everything in exact weight and measure, knows will just
+serve to light us on our way in this night of our obscurity; so that
+your reverences and worships now find out, nor is it a moment longer in
+my power to conceal it from you, That the fervent wish in your behalf
+with which I set out, was no more than the first insinuating _How d'ye_
+of a caressing prefacer, stifling his reader, as a lover sometimes does
+a coy mistress, into silence. For alas! could this effusion of light
+have been as easily procured, as the exordium wished it --I tremble to
+think how many thousands for it, of benighted travellers (in the learned
+sciences at least) must have groped and blundered on in the dark, all
+the nights of their lives----running their heads against posts, and
+knocking out their brains without ever getting to their journies end;
+----some falling with their noses perpendicularly into sinks----others
+horizontally with their tails into kennels. Here one half of a learned
+profession tilting full but against the other half of it, and then
+tumbling and rolling one over the other in the dirt like hogs. --Here
+the brethren of another profession, who should have run in opposition to
+each other, flying on the contrary like a flock of wild geese, all in a
+row the same way. --What confusion! --what mistakes! ----fiddlers and
+painters judging by their eyes and ears--admirable! --trusting to the
+passions excited--in an air sung, or a story painted to the
+heart----instead of measuring them by a quadrant.
+
+In the fore-ground of this picture, a _statesman_ turning the political
+wheel, like a brute, the wrong way round----_against_ the stream of
+corruption--by Heaven! ----instead of _with_ it.
+
+In this corner, a son of the divine _Esculapius_, writing a book against
+predestination; perhaps worse--feeling his patient's pulse, instead of
+his apothecary's----a brother of the Faculty in the back-ground upon his
+knees in tears--drawing the curtains of a mangled victim to beg his
+forgiveness; --offering a fee--instead of taking one.
+
+In that spacious HALL, a coalition of the gown, from all the bars of it,
+driving a damn'd, dirty, vexatious cause before them, with all their
+might and main, the wrong way! ----kicking it _out_ of the great doors,
+instead of _in_----and with such fury in their looks, and such a degree
+of inveteracy in their manner of kicking it, as if the laws had been
+originally made for the peace and preservation of mankind: ----perhaps a
+more enormous mistake committed by them still------a litigated point
+fairly hung up; ------for instance, Whether _John o'Nokes_ his nose
+could stand in _Tom o'Stiles_ his face, without a trespass, or
+not--rashly determined by them in five-and-twenty minutes, which, with
+the cautious pros and cons required in so intricate a proceeding, might
+have taken up as many months----and if carried on upon a military plan,
+as your honours know an ACTION should be, with all the stratagems
+practicable therein, ------such as feints, ----forced marches,
+----surprizes----ambuscades----mask-batteries, and a thousand other
+strokes of generalship, which consist in catching at all advantages on
+both sides------might reasonably have lasted them as many years, finding
+food and raiment all that term for a centumvirate of the profession.
+
+As for the Clergy ------No----if I say a word against them, I'll be shot.
+----I have no desire; --and besides, if I had --I durst not for my soul
+touch upon the subject----with such weak nerves and spirits, and in the
+condition I am in at present, 'twould be as much as my life was worth,
+to deject and contrist myself with so bad and melancholy an account--and
+therefore 'tis safer to draw a curtain across, and hasten from it, as
+fast as I can, to the main and principal point I have undertaken to
+clear up----and that is, How it comes to pass, that your men of least
+_wit_ are reported to be men of most judgment. ----But mark --I say,
+_reported to be_--for it is no more, my dear Sirs, than a report, and
+which, like twenty others taken up every day upon trust, I maintain to
+be a vile and a malicious report into the bargain.
+
+This by the help of the observation already premised, and I hope already
+weighed and perpended by your reverences and worships, I shall forthwith
+make appear.
+
+I hate set dissertations----and above all things in the world, 'tis one
+of the silliest things in one of them, to darken your hypothesis by
+placing a number of tall, opake words, one before another, in a right
+line, betwixt your own and your reader's conception--when in all
+likelihood, if you had looked about, you might have seen something
+standing, or hanging up, which would have cleared the point at once--
+"for what hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the laudable desire of knowledge
+bring to any man, if even from a sot, a pot, a fool, a stool,
+a winter-mittain, a truckle for a pully, the lid of a goldsmith's
+crucible, an oil bottle, an old slipper, or a cane chair?" --I am this
+moment sitting upon one. Will you give me leave to illustrate this
+affair of wit and judgment, by the two knobs on the top of the back of
+it? --they are fastened on, you see, with two pegs stuck slightly into
+two gimlet-holes, and will place what I have to say in so clear a light,
+as to let you see through the drift and meaning of my whole preface, as
+plainly as if every point and particle of it was made up of sun-beams.
+
+I enter now directly upon the point.
+
+--Here stands _wit_--and there stands _judgment_, close beside it, just
+like the two knobs I'm speaking of, upon the back of this self-same
+chair on which I am sitting.
+
+--You see, they are the highest and most ornamental parts of its
+_frame_--as wit and judgment are of _ours_--and like them too,
+indubitably both made and fitted to go together, in order, as we say in
+all such cases of duplicated embellishments--------_to answer one
+another_.
+
+Now for the sake of an experiment, and for the clearer illustrating this
+matter--let us for a moment take off one of these two curious ornaments
+(I care not which) from the point or pinnacle of the chair it now stands
+on--nay, don't laugh at it, --but did you ever see, in the whole course
+of your lives, such a ridiculous business as this has made of it? --Why,
+'tis as miserable a sight as a sow with one ear; and there is just as
+much sense and symmetry in the one as in the other: ----do----pray, get
+off your seats only to take a view of it. ----Now would any man who
+valued his character a straw, have turned a piece of work out of his
+hand in such a condition? --nay, lay your hands upon your hearts, and
+answer this plain question, Whether this one single knob, which now
+stands here like a blockhead by itself, can serve any purpose upon
+earth, but to put one in mind of the want of the other? --and let me
+farther ask, in case the chair was your own, if you would not in your
+consciences think, rather than be as it is, that it would be ten times
+better without any knob at all?
+
+Now these two knobs------or top ornaments of the mind of man, which
+crown the whole entablature----being, as I said, wit and judgment, which
+of all others, as I have proved it, are the most needful----the most
+priz'd--the most calamitous to be without, and consequently the hardest
+to come at--for all these reasons put together, there is not a mortal
+among us, so destitute of a love of good fame or feeding----or so
+ignorant of what will do him good therein--who does not wish and
+stedfastly resolve in his own mind, to be, or to be thought at least,
+master of the one or the other, and indeed of both of them, if the thing
+seems any way feasible, or likely to be brought to pass.
+
+Now your graver gentry having little or no kind of chance in aiming at
+the one--unless they laid hold of the other, ----pray what do you think
+would become of them? ----Why, Sirs, in spite of all their _gravities_,
+they must e'en have been contented to have gone with their insides
+naked----this was not to be borne, but by an effort of philosophy not to
+be supposed in the case we are upon----so that no one could well have
+been angry with them, had they been satisfied with what little they
+could have snatched up and secreted under their cloaks and great
+perriwigs, had they not raised a _hue_ and _cry_ at the same time
+against the lawful owners.
+
+I need not tell your worships, that this was done with so much cunning
+and artifice----that the great _Locke_, who was seldom outwitted by
+false sounds------was nevertheless bubbled here. The cry, it seems, was
+so deep and solemn a one, and what with the help of great wigs, grave
+faces, and other implements of deceit, was rendered so general a one
+against the _poor wits_ in this matter, that the philosopher himself was
+deceived by it--it was his glory to free the world from the lumber of a
+thousand vulgar errors; ----but this was not of the number; so that
+instead of sitting down coolly, as such a philosopher should have done,
+to have examined the matter of fact before he philosophised upon
+it----on the contrary he took the fact for granted, and so joined in
+with the cry, and halloo'd it as boisterously as the rest.
+
+This has been made the _Magna Charta_ of stupidity ever since----but
+your reverences plainly see, it has been obtained in such a manner, that
+the title to it is not worth a groat: ----which by the bye is one of the
+many and vile impositions which gravity and grave folks have to answer
+for hereafter.
+
+As for great wigs, upon which I may be thought to have spoken my mind
+too freely ------I beg leave to qualify whatever has been unguardedly
+said to their dispraise or prejudice, by one general declaration ----That
+I have no abhorrence whatever, nor do I detest and abjure either great
+wigs or long beards, any farther than when I see they are bespoke and
+let grow on purpose to carry on this self-same imposture--for any
+purpose----peace be with them! --[-->] mark only ----I write not for
+them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+Every day for at least ten years together did my father resolve to have
+it mended--'tis not mended yet; --no family but ours would have borne
+with it an hour----and what is most astonishing, there was not a subject
+in the world upon which my father was so eloquent, as upon that of
+door-hinges. ----And yet at the same time, he was certainly one of the
+greatest bubbles to them, I think, that history can produce: his
+rhetorick and conduct were at perpetual handy-cuffs. --Never did the
+parlour-door open--but his philosophy or his principles fell a victim to
+it; ----three drops of oil with a feather, and a smart stroke of a
+hammer, had saved his honour for ever.
+
+----Inconsistent soul that man is! ----languishing under wounds, which
+he has the power to heal! --his whole life a contradiction to his
+knowledge! --his reason, that precious gift of God to him--(instead of
+pouring in oil) serving but to sharpen his sensibilities--to multiply
+his pains, and render him more melancholy and uneasy under them --Poor
+unhappy creature, that he should do so! ----Are not the necessary causes
+of misery in this life enow, but he must add voluntary ones to his stock
+of sorrow; --struggle against evils which cannot be avoided, and submit
+to others, which a tenth part of the trouble they create him would
+remove from his heart for ever?
+
+By all that is good and virtuous, if there are three drops of oil to be
+got, and a hammer to be found within ten miles of _Shandy Hall_------the
+parlour door hinge shall be mended this reign.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+When Corporal _Trim_ had brought his two mortars to bear, he was
+delighted with his handy-work above measure; and knowing what a pleasure
+it would be to his master to see them, he was not able to resist the
+desire he had of carrying them directly into his parlour.
+
+Now next to the moral lesson I had in view in mentioning the affair of
+_hinges_, I had a speculative consideration arising out of it, and it is
+this.
+
+Had the parlour door opened and turn'd upon its hinges, as a door should
+do--
+
+Or for example, as cleverly as our government has been turning upon its
+hinges----(that is, in case things have all along gone well with your
+worship, --otherwise I give up my simile)--in this case, I say, there
+had been no danger either to master or man, in Corporal _Trim's_ peeping
+in: the moment he had beheld my father and my uncle _Toby_ fast
+asleep--the respectfulness of his carriage was such, he would have
+retired as silent as death, and left them both in their arm-chairs,
+dreaming as happy as he had found them: but the thing was, morally
+speaking, so very impracticable, that for the many years in which this
+hinge was suffered to be out of order, and amongst the hourly grievances
+my father submitted to upon its account--this was one; that he never
+folded his arms to take his nap after dinner, but the thoughts of being
+unavoidably awakened by the first person who should open the door, was
+always uppermost in his imagination, and so incessantly stepp'd in
+betwixt him and the first balmy presage of his repose, as to rob him, as
+he often declared, of the whole sweets of it.
+
+"_When things move upon bad hinges_, an' please your lordships, _how can
+it be otherwise?_"
+
+Pray what's the matter? Who is there? cried my father, waking, the
+moment the door began to creak. ----I wish the smith would give a peep
+at that confounded hinge. ----'Tis nothing, an' please your honour, said
+_Trim_, but two mortars I am bringing in. --They shan't make a clatter
+with them here, cried my father hastily. --If Dr. _Slop_ has any drugs
+to pound, let him do it in the kitchen. --May it please your honour,
+cried _Trim_, they are two mortar-pieces for a siege next summer, which
+I have been making out of a pair of jack-boots, which _Obadiah_ told me
+your honour had left off wearing. --By Heaven! cried my father,
+springing out of his chair, as he swore ----I have not one appointment
+belonging to me, which I set so much store by as I do by these
+jack-boots----they were our great grandfather's, brother _Toby_--they
+were _hereditary_. Then I fear, quoth my uncle _Toby_, _Trim_ has cut
+off the entail. --I have only cut off the tops, an' please your honour,
+cried _Trim_ ----I hate _perpetuities_ as much as any man alive, cried my
+father----but these jack-boots, continued he (smiling, though very angry
+at the same time) have been in the family, brother, ever since the civil
+wars; ----Sir _Roger Shandy_ wore them at the battle of _Marston-Moor_.
+--I declare I would not have taken ten pounds for them. ----I'll pay you
+the money, brother _Shandy_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, looking at the two
+mortars with infinite pleasure, and putting his hand into his breeches
+pocket as he viewed them ----I'll pay you the ten pounds this moment
+with all my heart and soul.----
+
+Brother _Toby_, replied my father, altering his tone, you care not what
+money you dissipate and throw away, provided, continued he, 'tis but
+upon a SIEGE. ----Have I not one hundred and twenty pounds a year,
+besides my half pay? cried my uncle _Toby_. --What is that--replied my
+father hastily--to ten pounds for a pair of jack-boots? --twelve guineas
+for your _pontoons?_ --half as much for your _Dutch_ draw-bridge? --to
+say nothing of the train of little brass artillery you bespoke last
+week, with twenty other preparations for the siege of _Messina_: believe
+me, dear brother _Toby_, continued my father, taking him kindly by the
+hand--these military operations of yours are above your strength; --you
+mean well, brother----but they carry you into greater expences than you
+were first aware of; --and take my word, dear _Toby_, they will in the
+end quite ruin your fortune, and make a beggar of you. --What signifies
+it if they do, brother, replied my uncle _Toby_, so long as we know 'tis
+for the good of the nation?----
+
+My father could not help smiling for his soul--his anger at the worst
+was never more than a spark; --and the zeal and simplicity of
+_Trim_--and the generous (though hobby-horsical) gallantry of my uncle
+_Toby_, brought him into perfect good humour with them in an instant.
+
+Generous souls! --God prosper you both, and your mortar-pieces too!
+quoth my father to himself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+All is quiet and hush, cried my father, at least above stairs --I hear
+not one foot stirring. --Prithee, _Trim_, who's in the kitchen? There is
+no one soul in the kitchen, answered _Trim_, making a low bow as he
+spoke, except Dr. _Slop_. --Confusion! cried my father (getting up upon
+his legs a second time)--not one single thing was gone right this day!
+had I faith in astrology, brother (which, by the bye, my father had),
+I would have sworn some retrograde planet was hanging over this
+unfortunate house of mine, and turning every individual thing in it out
+of its place. ----Why, I thought Dr. _Slop_ had been above stairs with
+my wife, and so said you. ----What can the fellow be puzzling about in
+the kitchen! --He is busy, an' please your honour, replied _Trim_, in
+making a bridge. ----'Tis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle _Toby_:
+------pray, give my humble service to Dr. _Slop_, _Trim_, and tell him I
+thank him heartily.
+
+You must know, my uncle _Toby_ mistook the bridge--as widely as my
+father mistook the mortars; ----but to understand how my uncle _Toby_
+could mistake the bridge --I fear I must give you an exact account of
+the road which led to it; --or to drop my metaphor (for there is nothing
+more dishonest in an historian than the use of one)----in order to
+conceive the probability of this error in my uncle _Toby_ aright, I must
+give you some account of an adventure of _Trim's_, though much against
+my will, I say much against my will, only because the story, in one
+sense, is certainly out of its place here; for by right it should come
+in, either amongst the anecdotes of my uncle _Toby's_ amours with widow
+_Wadman_, in which corporal _Trim_ was no mean actor--or else in the
+middle of his and my uncle _Toby's_ campaigns on the bowling-green--for
+it will do very well in either place; --but then if I reserve it for
+either of those parts of my story ----I ruin the story I'm upon; ----and
+if I tell it here --I anticipate matters, and ruin it there.
+
+--What would your worships have me to do in this case?
+
+--Tell it, Mr. _Shandy_, by all means. --You are a fool, _Tristram_, if
+you do.
+
+O ye powers! (for powers ye are, and great ones too)--which enable
+mortal man to tell a story worth the hearing------that kindly shew him,
+where he is to begin it--and where he is to end it----what he is to put
+into it----and what he is to leave out--how much of it he is to cast
+into a shade--and whereabouts he is to throw his light! --Ye, who
+preside over this vast empire of biographical freebooters, and see how
+many scrapes and plunges your subjects hourly fall into; ----will you do
+one thing?
+
+I beg and beseech you (in case you will do nothing better for us) that
+wherever in any part of your dominions it so falls out, that three
+several roads meet in one point, as they have done just here----that at
+least you set up a guide-post in the centre of them, in mere charity, to
+direct an uncertain devil which of the three he is to take.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+
+Tho' the shock my uncle _Toby_ received the year after the demolition of
+_Dunkirk_, in his affair with widow _Wadman_, had fixed him in a
+resolution never more to think of the sex--or of aught which belonged to
+it; --yet corporal _Trim_ had made no such bargain with himself. Indeed
+in my uncle _Toby's_ case there was a strange and unaccountable
+concurrence of circumstances, which insensibly drew him in, to lay siege
+to that fair and strong citadel. ----In _Trim's_ case there was a
+concurrence of nothing in the world, but of him and _Bridget_ in the
+kitchen; --though in truth, the love and veneration he bore his master
+was such, and so fond was he of imitating him in all he did, that had my
+uncle _Toby_ employed his time and genius in tagging of points ----I am
+persuaded the honest corporal would have laid down his arms, and
+followed his example with pleasure. When therefore my uncle _Toby_ sat
+down before the mistress--corporal _Trim_ incontinently took ground
+before the maid.
+
+Now, my dear friend _Garrick_, whom I have so much cause to esteem and
+honour--(why, or wherefore, 'tis no matter)--can it escape your
+penetration --I defy it--that so many playwrights, and opificers of
+chit-chat have ever since been working upon _Trim's_ and my uncle
+_Toby's_ pattern. ----I care not what _Aristotle_, or _Pacuvius_, or
+_Bossu_, or _Ricaboni_ say--(though I never read one of them)----there
+is not a greater difference between a single-horse chair and madam
+_Pompadour's_ _vis-ŕ-vis_; than betwixt a single amour, and an amour
+thus nobly doubled, and going upon all four, prancing throughout a grand
+drama ----Sir, a simple, single, silly affair of that kind--is quite
+lost in five acts; --but that is neither here nor there.
+
+After a series of attacks and repulses in a course of nine months on my
+uncle _Toby's_ quarter, a most minute account of every particular of
+which shall be given in its proper place, my uncle _Toby_, honest man!
+found it necessary to draw off his forces and raise the siege somewhat
+indignantly.
+
+Corporal _Trim_, as I said, had made no such bargain either with
+himself----or with any one else----the fidelity however of his heart not
+suffering him to go into a house which his master had forsaken with
+disgust----he contented himself with turning his part of the siege into
+a blockade; --that is, he kept others off; --for though he never after
+went to the house, yet he never met _Bridget_ in the village, but he
+would either nod or wink, or smile, or look kindly at her--or
+(as circumstances directed) he would shake her by the hand--or ask her
+lovingly how she did--or would give her a ribbon--and now-and-then,
+though never but when it could be done with decorum, would give
+_Bridget_ a--
+
+Precisely in this situation, did these things stand for five years; that
+is, from the demolition of _Dunkirk_ in the year 13, to the latter end
+of my uncle _Toby's_ campaign in the year 18, which was about six or
+seven weeks before the time I'm speaking of. ----When _Trim_, as his
+custom was, after he had put my uncle _Toby_ to bed, going down one
+moonshiny night to see that everything was right at his
+fortifications----in the lane separated from the bowling-green with
+flowering shrubs and holly--he espied his _Bridget_.
+
+As the corporal thought there was nothing in the world so well worth
+shewing as the glorious works which he and my uncle _Toby_ had made,
+_Trim_ courteously and gallantly took her by the hand, and led her in:
+this was not done so privately, but that the foul-mouth'd trumpet of
+Fame carried it from ear to ear, till at length it reach'd my father's,
+with this untoward circumstance along with it, that my uncle _Toby's_
+curious drawbridge, constructed and painted after the _Dutch_ fashion,
+and which went quite across the ditch--was broke down, and somehow or
+other crushed all to pieces that very night.
+
+My father, as you have observed, had no great esteem for my uncle
+_Toby's_ hobby-horse, he thought it the most ridiculous horse that ever
+gentleman mounted; and indeed unless my uncle _Toby_ vexed him about it,
+could never think of it once, without smiling at it----so that it could
+never get lame or happen any mischance, but it tickled my father's
+imagination beyond measure; but this being an accident much more to his
+humour than any one which had yet befall'n it, it proved an
+inexhaustible fund of entertainment to him. ----Well----but dear _Toby!_
+my father would say, do tell me seriously how this affair of the bridge
+happened. ----How can you tease me so much about it? my uncle _Toby_
+would reply --I have told it you twenty times, word for word as _Trim_
+told it me. --Prithee, how was it then, corporal? my father would cry,
+turning to _Trim_. --It was a mere misfortune, an' please your honour;
+----I was shewing Mrs. _Bridget_ our fortifications, and in going too
+near the edge of the fosse, I unfortunately slipp'd in ----Very well,
+_Trim!_ my father would cry----(smiling mysteriously, and giving a
+nod--but without interrupting him)----and being link'd fast, an' please
+your honour, arm in arm with Mrs. _Bridget_, I dragg'd her after me, by
+means of which she fell backwards soss against the bridge----and
+_Trim's_ foot (my uncle _Toby_ would cry, taking the story out of his
+mouth) getting into the cuvette, he tumbled full against the bridge too.
+--It was a thousand to one, my uncle _Toby_ would add, that the poor
+fellow did not break his leg. ------Ay truly, my father would say----
+a limb is soon broke, brother _Toby_, in such encounters. ----And so,
+an' please your honour, the bridge, which your honour knows was a very
+slight one, was broke down betwixt us, and splintered all to pieces.
+
+At other times, but especially when my uncle _Toby_ was so unfortunate
+as to say a syllable about cannons, bombs, or petards--my father would
+exhaust all the stores of his eloquence (which indeed were very great)
+in a panegyric upon the BATTERING-RAMS of the ancients--the VINEA which
+_Alexander_ made use of at the siege of _Troy_. --He would tell my uncle
+_Toby_ of the CATAPULTĆ of the _Syrians_, which threw such monstrous
+stones so many hundred feet, and shook the strongest bulwarks from their
+very foundation: --he would go on and describe the wonderful mechanism
+of the BALLISTA which _Marcellinus_ makes so much rout about! --the
+terrible effects of the PYROBOLI, which cast fire; ----the danger of the
+TEREBRA and SCORPIO, which cast javelins. ----But what are these, would
+he say, to the destructive machinery of corporal _Trim?_ ----Believe me,
+brother _Toby_, no bridge, or bastion, or sally-port, that ever was
+constructed in this world, can hold out against such artillery.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ would never attempt any defence against the force of
+this ridicule, but that of redoubling the vehemence of smoaking his
+pipe; in doing which, he raised so dense a vapour one night after
+supper, that it set my father, who was a little phthisical, into a
+suffocating fit of violent coughing: my uncle _Toby_ leap'd up without
+feeling the pain upon his groin--and, with infinite pity, stood beside
+his brother's chair, tapping his back with one hand, and holding his
+head with the other, and from time to time wiping his eyes with a clean
+cambrick handkerchief, which he pulled out of his pocket. ----The
+affectionate and endearing manner in which my uncle _Toby_ did these
+little offices--cut my father thro' his reins, for the pain he had just
+been giving him. ----May my brains be knock'd out with a battering-ram
+or a catapulta, I care not which, quoth my father to himself--if ever I
+insult this worthy soul more!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+
+The draw-bridge being held irreparable, _Trim_ was ordered directly to
+set about another------but not upon the same model: for cardinal
+_Alberoni's_ intrigues at that time being discovered, and my uncle
+_Toby_ rightly foreseeing that a flame would inevitably break out
+betwixt _Spain_ and the Empire, and that the operations of the ensuing
+campaign must in all likelihood be either in _Naples_ or _Sicily_----he
+determined upon an _Italian_ bridge--(my uncle _Toby_, by the bye, was
+not far out of his conjectures)----but my father, who was infinitely the
+better politician, and took the lead as far of my uncle _Toby_ in the
+cabinet, as my uncle _Toby_ took it of him in the field------convinced
+him, that if the king of _Spain_ and the Emperor went together by the
+ears, _England_ and _France_ and _Holland_ must, by force of their
+pre-engagements, all enter the lists too; ----and if so, he would say,
+the combatants, brother _Toby_, as sure as we are alive, will fall to it
+again, pell-mell, upon the old prizefighting stage of _Flanders_; --then
+what will you do with your _Italian_ bridge?
+
+--We will go on with it then upon the old model, cried my uncle _Toby_.
+
+When Corporal _Trim_ had about half finished it in that style----my
+uncle _Toby_ found out a capital defect in it, which he had never
+thoroughly considered before. It turned, it seems, upon hinges at both
+ends of it, opening in the middle, one half of which turning to one side
+of the fosse, and the other to the other; the advantage of which was
+this, that by dividing the weight of the bridge into two equal portions,
+it impowered my uncle _Toby_ to raise it up or let it down with the end
+of his crutch, and with one hand, which, as his garrison was weak, was
+as much as he could well spare--but the disadvantages of such a
+construction were insurmountable; ----for by this means, he would say,
+I leave one half of my bridge in my enemy's possession----and pray of
+what use is the other?
+
+The natural remedy for this was, no doubt, to have his bridge fast only
+at one end with hinges, so that the whole might be lifted up together,
+and stand bolt upright------but that was rejected for the reason given
+above.
+
+For a whole week after he was determined in his mind to have one of that
+particular construction which is made to draw back horizontally, to
+hinder a passage; and to thrust forwards again to gain a passage--of
+which sorts your worship might have seen three famous ones at _Spires_
+before its destruction--and one now at _Brisac_, if I mistake not; --but
+my father advising my uncle _Toby_, with great earnestness, to have
+nothing more to do with thrusting bridges--and my uncle foreseeing
+moreover that it would but perpetuate the memory of the Corporal's
+misfortune--he changed his mind for that of the marquis _d'Hôpital's_
+invention, which the younger _Bernouilli_ has so well and learnedly
+described, as your worships may see------_Act. Erud. Lips._ an. 1695--to
+these a lead weight is an eternal balance, and keeps watch as well as a
+couple of centinels, inasmuch as the construction of them was a curve
+line approximating to a cycloid------if not a cycloid itself.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ understood the nature of a parabola as well as any man
+in _England_--but was not quite such a master of the cycloid; ----he
+talked however about it every day----the bridge went not forwards.
+----We'll ask somebody about it, cried my uncle _Toby_ to _Trim_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+
+When _Trim_ came in and told my father, that Dr. _Slop_ was in the
+kitchen, and busy in making a bridge--my uncle _Toby_----the affair of
+the jack-boots having just then raised a train of military ideas in his
+brain----took it instantly for granted that Dr. _Slop_ was making a
+model of the marquis _d'Hôpital's_ bridge. ----'Tis very obliging in
+him, quoth my uncle _Toby_; --pray give my humble service to Dr. _Slop_,
+_Trim_, and tell him I thank him heartily.
+
+Had my uncle _Toby's_ head been a _Savoyard's_ box, and my father
+peeping in all the time at one end of it----it could not have given him
+a more distinct conception of the operations of my uncle _Toby's_
+imagination, than what he had; so, notwithstanding the catapulta and
+battering-ram, and his bitter imprecation about them, he was just
+beginning to triumph----
+
+When _Trim's_ answer, in an instant, tore the laurel from his brows, and
+twisted it to pieces.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+
+----This unfortunate draw-bridge of yours, quoth my father ----God bless
+your honour, cried _Trim_, 'tis a bridge for master's nose. ----In
+bringing him into the world with his vile instruments, he has crushed
+his nose, _Susannah_ says, as flat as a pancake to his face, and he is
+making a false bridge with a piece of cotton and a thin piece of
+whalebone out of _Susannah's_ stays, to raise it up.
+
+----Lead me, brother _Toby_, cried my father, to my room this instant.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+
+From the first moment I sat down to write my life for the amusement of
+the world, and my opinions for its instruction, has a cloud insensibly
+been gathering over my father. ----A tide of little evils and distresses
+has been setting in against him. --Not one thing, as he observed
+himself, has gone right: and now is the storm thicken'd and going to
+break, and pour down full upon his head.
+
+I enter upon this part of my story in the most pensive and melancholy
+frame of mind that ever sympathetic breast was touched with. ----My
+nerves relax as I tell it. ----Every line I write, I feel an abatement
+of the quickness of my pulse, and of that careless alacrity with it,
+which every day of my life prompts me to say and write a thousand things
+I should not. ----And this moment that I last dipp'd my pen into my ink,
+I could not help taking notice what a cautious air of sad composure and
+solemnity there appear'd in my manner of doing it. ----Lord! how
+different from the rash jerks and hair-brain'd squirts thou art wont,
+_Tristram_, to transact it with in other humours--dropping thy
+pen----spurting thy ink about thy table and thy books--as if thy pen and
+thy ink, thy books and furniture cost thee nothing!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+
+----I won't go about to argue the point with you--'tis so----and I am
+persuaded of it, madam, as much as can be, "That both man and woman bear
+pain or sorrow (and, for aught I know, pleasure too) best in a
+horizontal position."
+
+The moment my father got up into his chamber, he threw himself prostrate
+across the bed in the wildest disorder imaginable, but at the same time
+in the most lamentable attitude of a man borne down with sorrows, that
+ever the eye of pity dropp'd a tear for. ----The palm of his right hand,
+as he fell upon the bed, receiving his forehead, and covering the
+greatest part of both his eyes, gently sunk down with his head (his
+elbow giving way backwards) till his nose touch'd the quilt; ----his
+left arm hung insensible over the side of the bed, his knuckles
+reclining upon the handle of the chamber-pot, which peep'd out beyond
+the valance--his right leg (his left being drawn up towards his body)
+hung half over the side of the bed, the edge of it pressing upon his
+shin-bone --He felt it not. A fix'd, inflexible sorrow took possession of
+every line of his face. --He sigh'd once----heaved his breast often--but
+uttered not a word.
+
+An old set-stitch'd chair, valanced and fringed around with
+party-coloured worsted bobs, stood at the bed's head, opposite to the
+side where my father's head reclined. --My uncle _Toby_ sat him down in
+it.
+
+Before an affliction is digested--consolation ever comes too soon; --and
+after it is digested--it comes too late: so that you see, madam, there
+is but a mark between these two, as fine almost as a hair, for a
+comforter to take aim at: my uncle _Toby_ was always either on this
+side, or on that of it, and would often say, he believed in his heart he
+could as soon hit the longitude; for this reason, when he sat down in
+the chair, he drew the curtain a little forwards, and having a tear at
+every one's service----he pull'd out a cambrick handkerchief----gave a
+low sigh----but held his peace.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+
+----"_All is not gain that is got into the purse._" --So that
+notwithstanding my father had the happiness of reading the oddest books
+in the universe, and had moreover, in himself, the oddest way of
+thinking that ever man in it was bless'd with, yet it had this drawback
+upon him after all------that it laid him open to some of the oddest and
+most whimsical distresses; of which this particular one, which he sunk
+under at present, is as strong an example as can be given.
+
+No doubt, the breaking down of the bridge of a child's nose, by the edge
+of a pair of forceps--however scientifically applied--would vex any man
+in the world, who was at so much pains in begetting a child, as my
+father was--yet it will not account for the extravagance of his
+affliction, nor will it justify the unchristian manner he abandoned and
+surrendered him self up to.
+
+To explain this, I must leave him upon the bed for half an hour--and my
+uncle _Toby_ in his old fringed chair sitting beside him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+
+----I think it a very unreasonable demand--cried my great-grandfather,
+twisting up the paper, and throwing it upon the table. ----By this
+account, madam, you have but two thousand pounds fortune, and not a
+shilling more--and you insist upon having three hundred pounds a year
+jointure for it.------
+
+--"Because," replied my great-grandmother, "you have little or no nose,
+Sir."--
+
+Now before I venture to make use of the word _Nose_ a second time--to
+avoid all confusion in what will be said upon it, in this interesting
+part of my story, it may not be amiss to explain my own meaning, and
+define, with all possible exactness and precision, what I would
+willingly be understood to mean by the term: being of opinion, that 'tis
+owing to the negligence and perverseness of writers in despising this
+precaution, and to nothing else----that all the polemical writings in
+divinity are not as clear and demonstrative as those upon _a Will o' the
+Wisp_, or any other sound part of philosophy, and natural pursuit; in
+order to which, what have you to do, before you set out, unless you
+intend to go puzzling on to the day of judgment----but to give the world
+a good definition, and stand to it, of the main word you have most
+occasion for----changing it, Sir, as you would a guinea, into small
+coin? --which done--let the father of confusion puzzle you, if he can;
+or put a different idea either into your head, or your reader's head, if
+he knows how.
+
+In books of strict morality and close reasoning, such as this I am
+engaged in--the neglect is inexcusable; and Heaven is witness, how the
+world has revenged itself upon me for leaving so many openings to
+equivocal strictures--and for depending so much as I have done, all
+along, upon the cleanliness of my readers' imaginations.
+
+----Here are two senses, cried _Eugenius_, as we walk'd along, pointing
+with the forefinger of his right hand to the word _Crevice_, in the one
+hundred and seventy-eighth page of the first volume of this book of
+books; ------here are two senses--quoth he --And here are two roads,
+replied I, turning short upon him----a dirty and a clean one----which
+shall we take? --The clean, by all means, replied _Eugenius_.
+_Eugenius_, said I, stepping before him, and laying my hand upon his
+breast----to define--is to distrust. ----Thus I triumph'd over
+_Eugenius_; but I triumph'd over him as I always do, like a fool.
+----'Tis my comfort, however, I am not an obstinate one: therefore
+
+I define a nose as follows--intreating only beforehand, and beseeching
+my readers, both male and female, of what age, complexion, and condition
+soever, for the love of God and their own souls, to guard against the
+temptations and suggestions of the devil, and suffer him by no art or
+wile to put any other ideas into their minds, than what I put into my
+definition --For by the word _Nose_, throughout all this long chapter of
+noses, and in every other part of my work, where the word _Nose_
+occurs --I declare, by that word I mean a nose, and nothing more, or
+less.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+
+----"Because," quoth my great-grandmother, repeating the words again--
+"you have little or no nose, Sir."------
+
+S'death! cried my great-grandfather, clapping his hand upon his nose,
+--'tis not so small as that comes to; ----'tis a full inch longer than
+my father's. --Now, my great-grandfather's nose was for all the world
+like unto the noses of all the men, women, and children, whom
+_Pantagruel_ found dwelling upon the island of ENNASIN. ------By the
+way, if you would know the strange way of getting a-kin amongst so
+flat-nosed a people----you must read the book; ----find it out yourself,
+you never can.----
+
+--'Twas shaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs.
+
+--'Tis a full inch, continued my grandfather, pressing up the ridge of
+his nose with his finger and thumb; and repeating his assertion----'tis
+a full inch longer, madam, than my father's ----You must mean your
+uncle's, replied my great-grandmother.
+
+------My great-grandfather was convinced. --He untwisted the paper, and
+signed the article.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+
+
+----What an unconscionable jointure, my dear, do we pay out of this
+small estate of ours, quoth my grandmother to my grandfather.
+
+My father, replied my grandfather, had no more nose, my dear, saving the
+mark, than there is upon the back of my hand.
+
+--Now, you must know, that my great-grandmother outlived my grandfather
+twelve years; so that my father had the jointure to pay, a hundred and
+fifty pounds half-yearly--(on _Michaelmas_ and _Lady-day_), --during all
+that time.
+
+No man discharged pecuniary obligations with a better grace than my
+father. ------And as far as a hundred pounds went, he would fling it
+upon the table, guinea by guinea, with that spirited jerk of an honest
+welcome, which generous souls, and generous souls only, are able to
+fling down money: but as soon as ever he enter'd upon the odd fifty--he
+generally gave a loud _Hem!_ rubb'd the side of his nose leisurely with
+the flat part of his fore finger----inserted his hand cautiously betwixt
+his head and the cawl of his wig--look'd at both sides of every guinea
+as he parted with it----and seldom could get to the end of the fifty
+pounds, without pulling out his handkerchief, and wiping his temples.
+
+Defend me, gracious Heaven! from those persecuting spirits who make no
+allowances for these workings within us. --Never --O never may I lay
+down in their tents, who cannot relax the engine, and feel pity for the
+force of education, and the prevalence of opinions long derived from
+ancestors!
+
+For three generations at least this _tenet_ in favour of long noses had
+gradually been taking root in our family. ------TRADITION was all along
+on its side, and INTEREST was every half-year stepping in to strengthen
+it; so that the whimsicality of my father's brain was far from having
+the whole honour of this, as it had of almost all his other strange
+notions. --For in a great measure he might be said to have suck'd this
+in with his mother's milk. He did his part however. ----If education
+planted the mistake (in case it was one) my father watered it, and
+ripened it to perfection.
+
+He would often declare, in speaking his thoughts upon the subject, that
+he did not conceive how the greatest family in _England_ could stand it
+out against an uninterrupted succession of six or seven short noses.
+--And for the contrary reason, he would generally add, That it must be
+one of the greatest problems in civil life, where the same number of
+long and jolly noses, following one another in a direct line, did not
+raise and hoist it up into the best vacancies in the kingdom. ------He
+would often boast that the _Shandy_ family rank'd very high in King
+_Harry_ the VIIIth's time, but owed its rise to no state engine--he
+would say--but to that only; ----but that, like other families, he would
+add----it had felt the turn of the wheel, and had never recovered the
+blow of my great-grandfather's nose. ----It was an ace of clubs indeed,
+he would cry, shaking his head--and as vile a one for an unfortunate
+family as ever turn'd up trumps.
+
+------Fair and softly, gentle reader! ------where is thy fancy carrying
+thee? ----If there is truth in man, by my great-grandfather's nose,
+I mean the external organ of smelling, or that part of man which stands
+prominent in his face----and which painters say, in good jolly noses and
+well-proportioned faces, should comprehend a full third----that is,
+measured downwards from the setting on of the hair.----
+
+----What a life of it has an author, at this pass!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+
+
+It is a singular blessing, that nature has form'd the mind of man with
+the same happy backwardness and renitency against conviction, which is
+observed in old dogs-- "of not learning new tricks."
+
+What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher that ever
+existed be whisk'd into at once, did he read such books, and observe
+such facts, and think such thoughts, as would eternally be making him
+change sides!
+
+Now, my father, as I told you last year, detested all this --He pick'd up
+an opinion, Sir, as a man in a state of nature picks up an apple. --It
+becomes his own--and if he is a man of spirit, he would lose his life
+rather than give it up.
+
+I am aware that _Didius_, the great civilian, will contest this point;
+and cry out against me, Whence comes this man's right to this apple? _ex
+confesso_, he will say--things were in a state of nature --The apple, as
+much _Frank's_ apple as _John's_. Pray, Mr. _Shandy_, what patent has he
+to shew for it? and how did it begin to be his? was it, when he set his
+heart upon it? or when he gathered it? or when he chew'd it? or when he
+roasted it? or when he peel'd, or when he brought it home? or when he
+digested? --or when he----? ----For 'tis plain, Sir, if the first
+picking up of the apple, made it not his--that no subsequent act could.
+
+Brother _Didius_, _Tribonius_ will answer--(now _Tribonius_ the civilian
+and church lawyer's beard being three inches and a half and three
+eighths longer than _Didius_ his beard --I'm glad he takes up the cudgels
+for me, so I give myself no farther trouble about the answer). --Brother
+_Didius_, _Tribonius_ will say, it is a decreed case, as you may find it
+in the fragments of _Gregorius_ and _Hermogines's_ codes, and in all the
+codes from _Justinian's_ down to the codes of _Louis_ and _Des
+Eaux_ --That the sweat of a man's brows, and the exsudations of a man's
+brains, are as much a man's own property as the breeches upon his
+backside; --which said exsudations, &c., being dropp'd upon the said
+apple by the labour of finding it, and picking it up; and being moreover
+indissolubly wasted, and as indissolubly annex'd, by the picker up, to
+the thing pick'd up, carried home, roasted, peel'd, eaten, digested, and
+so on; ----'tis evident that the gatherer of the apple, in so doing, has
+mix'd up something which was his own, with the apple which was not his
+own, by which means he has acquired a property; --or, in other words,
+the apple is _John's_ apple.
+
+By the same learned chain of reasoning my father stood up for all his
+opinions; he had spared no pains in picking them up, and the more they
+lay out of the common way, the better still was his title. ----No mortal
+claimed them; they had cost him moreover as much labour in cooking and
+digesting as in the case above, so that they might well and truly be
+said to be of his own goods and chattles. --Accordingly he held fast by
+'em, both by teeth and claws--would fly to whatever he could lay his
+hands on--and, in a word, would intrench and fortify them round with as
+many circumvallations and breast-works, as my uncle _Toby_ would a
+citadel.
+
+There was one plaguy rub in the way of this----the scarcity of materials
+to make anything of a defence with, in case of a smart attack; inasmuch
+as few men of great genius had exercised their parts in writing books
+upon the subject of great noses: by the trotting of my lean horse, the
+thing is incredible! and I am quite lost in my understanding, when I am
+considering what a treasure of precious time and talents together has
+been wasted upon worse subjects--and how many millions of books in all
+languages, and in all possible types and bindings, have been fabricated
+upon points not half so much tending to the unity and peace-making of
+the world. What was to be had, however, he set the greater store by; and
+though my father would oft-times sport with my uncle _Toby's_
+library--which, by the bye, was ridiculous enough--yet at the very same
+time he did it, he collected every book and treatise which had been
+systematically wrote upon noses, with as much care as my honest uncle
+_Toby_ had done those upon military architecture. ----'Tis true, a much
+less table would have held them--but that was not thy transgression, my
+dear uncle.--
+
+Here----but why here----rather than in any other part of my story ----I
+am not able to tell: ------but here it is------my heart stops me to pay
+to thee, my dear uncle _Toby_, once for all, the tribute I owe thy
+goodness. ----Here let me thrust my chair aside, and kneel down upon the
+ground, whilst I am pouring forth the warmest sentiment of love for
+thee, and veneration for the excellency of thy character, that ever
+virtue and nature kindled in a nephew's bosom. ----Peace and comfort
+rest for evermore upon thy head! --Thou enviedst no man's
+comforts----insultedst no man's opinions ----Thou blackenedst no man's
+character--devouredst no man's bread: gently, with faithful _Trim_
+behind thee, didst thou amble round the little circle of thy pleasures,
+jostling no creature in thy way: --for each one's sorrow thou hadst a
+tear, --for each man's need, thou hadst a shilling.
+
+Whilst I am worth one, to pay a weeder--thy path from thy door to thy
+bowling-green shall never be grown up. ----Whilst there is a rood and a
+half of land in the _Shandy_ family, thy fortifications, my dear uncle
+_Toby_, shall never be demolish'd.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+
+
+My father's collection was not great, but to make amends, it was
+curious; and consequently he was some time in making it; he had the
+great good fortune however, to set off well, in getting _Bruscambille's_
+prologue upon long noses, almost for nothing--for he gave no more for
+_Bruscambille_ than three half-crowns; owing indeed to the strong fancy
+which the stall-man saw my father had for the book the moment he laid
+his hands upon it. ----There are not three _Bruscambilles_ in
+_Christendom_--said the stall-man, except what are chain'd up in the
+libraries of the curious. My father flung down the money as quick as
+lightning----took _Bruscambille_ into his bosom----hied home from
+_Piccadilly_ to _Coleman_-street with it, as he would have hied home
+with a treasure, without taking his hand once off from _Bruscambille_
+all the way.
+
+To those who do not yet know of which gender _Bruscambille_
+is------inasmuch as a prologue upon long noses might easily be done by
+either------'twill be no objection against the simile--to say, That when
+my father got home, he solaced himself with _Bruscambille_ after the
+manner in which, 'tis ten to one, your worship solaced yourself with
+your first mistress------that is, from morning even unto night: which,
+by the bye, how delightful soever it may prove to the inamorato--is of
+little or no entertainment at all to by-standers. ----Take notice, I go
+no farther with the simile--my father's eye was greater than his
+appetite--his zeal greater than his knowledge--he cool'd--his affections
+became divided----he got hold of _Prignitz_--purchased _Scroderus_,
+_Andrea Parćus_, _Bouchet's_ Evening Conferences, and above all, the
+great and learned _Hafen Slawkenbergius_; of which, as I shall have much
+to say by and by --I will say nothing now.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI
+
+
+Of all the tracts my father was at the pains to procure and study in
+support of his hypothesis, there was not any one wherein he felt a more
+cruel disappointment at first, than in the celebrated dialogue between
+_Pamphagus_ and _Cocles_, written by the chaste pen of the great and
+venerable _Erasmus_, upon the various uses and seasonable applications
+of long noses. ------Now don't let Satan, my dear girl, in this chapter,
+take advantage of any one spot of rising ground to get astride of your
+imagination, if you can any ways help it; or if he is so nimble as to
+slip on--let me beg of you, like an unback'd filly, _to frisk it, to
+squirt it, to jump it, to rear it, to bound it--and to kick it, with
+long kicks and short kicks_, till, like _Tickletoby's_ mare, you break
+a strap or a crupper and throw his worship into the dirt. --You need
+not kill him.--
+
+--And pray who was _Tickletoby's_ mare? --'tis just as discreditable and
+unscholarlike a question, Sir, as to have asked what year (_ab. urb.
+con._) the second Punic war broke out. --Who was _Tickletoby's_ mare?
+----Read, read, read, read, my unlearned reader! read--or by the
+knowledge of the great saint _Paraleipomenon_ --I tell you before-hand,
+you had better throw down the book at once; for without _much reading_,
+by which your reverence knows I mean _much knowledge_, you will no more
+be able to penetrate the moral of the next marbled page (motly emblem of
+my work!) than the world with all its sagacity has been able to unravel
+the many opinions, transactions, and truths which still lie mystically
+hid under the dark veil of the black one.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII
+
+
+"_Nihil me poenitet hujus nasi_," quoth _Pamphagus_; ----that is-- "My
+nose has been the making of me." ----------"_Nec est cur poeniteat_,"
+replies _Cocles_; that is, "How the duce should such a nose fail?"
+
+The doctrine, you see, was laid down by _Erasmus_, as my father wished
+it, with the utmost plainness; but my father's disappointment was, in
+finding nothing more from so able a pen, but the bare fact itself;
+without any of that speculative subtilty or ambidexterity of
+argumentation upon it, which Heaven had bestow'd upon man on purpose to
+investigate truth, and fight for her on all sides. ----My father pish'd
+and pugh'd at first most terribly------'tis worth something to have a
+good name. As the dialogue was of _Erasmus_, my father soon came to
+himself, and read it over and over again with great application,
+studying every word and every syllable of it thro' and thro' in its most
+strict and literal interpretation--he could still make nothing of it,
+that way. Mayhap there is more meant, than is said in it, quoth my
+father. ----Learned men, brother _Toby_, don't write dialogues upon long
+noses for nothing. ------I'll study the mystick and the allegorick
+sense----here is some room to turn a man's self in, brother.
+
+My father read on. ------Now I find it needful to inform your reverences
+and worships, that besides the many nautical uses of long noses
+enumerated by _Erasmus_, the dialogist affirmeth that a long nose is not
+without its domestic conveniencies also; for that in a case of
+distress--and for want of a pair of bellows, it will do excellently
+well, _ad ixcitandum focum_ (to stir up the fire).
+
+Nature had been prodigal in her gifts to my father beyond measure, and
+had sown the seeds of verbal criticism as deep within him, as she had
+done the seeds of all other knowledge------so that he had got out his
+penknife, and was trying experiments upon the sentence, to see if he
+could not scratch some better sense into it. ----I've got within a
+single letter, brother _Toby_, cried my father, of _Erasmus_ his mystic
+meaning. --You are near enough, brother, replied my uncle, in all
+conscience. ------Pshaw! cried my father, scratching on ----I might as
+well be seven miles off. --I've done it--said my father, snapping his
+fingers --See, my dear brother _Toby_, how I have mended the sense.
+----But you have marr'd a word, replied my uncle _Toby_. ----My father
+put on his spectacles----bit his lip------and tore out the leaf in a
+passion.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII
+
+
+_O Slawkenbergius!_ thou faithful analyzer of my _Disgrazias_--thou sad
+foreteller of so many of the whips and short turns which in one stage or
+other of my life have come slap upon me from the shortness of my nose,
+and no other cause, that I am conscious of. --Tell me, _Slawkenbergius!_
+what secret impulse was it? what intonation of voice? whence came it?
+how did it sound in thy ears? ----art thou sure thou heard'st it?
+----which first cried out to thee------go------go, _Slawkenbergius!_
+dedicate the labours of thy life----neglect thy pastimes------call forth
+all the powers and faculties of thy nature----macerate thyself in the
+service of mankind, and write a grand FOLIO for them, upon the subject
+of their noses.
+
+How the communication was conveyed into _Slawkenbergius's_
+sensorium----so that _Slawkenbergius_ should know whose finger touch'd
+the key--and whose hand it was that blew the bellows----as _Hafen
+Slawkenbergius_ has been dead and laid in his grave above fourscore and
+ten years------we can only raise conjectures.
+
+_Slawkenbergius_ was play'd upon, for aught I know, like one of
+_Whitefield's_ disciples----that is, with such a distinct intelligence,
+Sir, of which of the two _masters_ it was that had been practising upon
+his _instrument_------as to make all reasoning upon it needless.
+
+------For in the account which _Hafen Slawkenbergius_ gives the world of
+his motives and occasions for writing, and spending so many years of his
+life upon this one work--towards the end of his prolegomena, which by
+the bye should have come first----but the bookbinder has most
+injudiciously placed it betwixt the analytical contents of the book, and
+the book itself--he informs his reader, that ever since he had arrived
+at the age of discernment, and was able to sit down coolly, and consider
+within himself the true state and condition of man, and distinguish the
+main end and design of his being; ----or--to shorten my translation, for
+_Slawkenbergius's_ book is in _Latin_, and not a little prolix in this
+passage--ever since I understood, quoth _Slawkenbergius_, any
+thing----or rather _what was what_----and could perceive that the point
+of long noses had been too loosely handled by all who had gone before;
+----have I, _Slawkenbergius_, felt a strong impulse, with a mighty and
+unresistible call within me, to gird up myself to this undertaking.
+
+And to do justice to _Slawkenbergius_, he has entered the list with a
+stronger lance, and taken a much larger career in it than any one man
+who had ever entered it before him----and indeed, in many respects,
+deserves to be _en-nich'd_ as a prototype for all writers, of voluminous
+works at least, to model their books by----for he has taken in, Sir, the
+whole subject--examined every part of it _dialectically_------then
+brought it into full day; dilucidating it with all the light which
+either the collision of his own natural parts could strike--or the
+profoundest knowledge of the sciences had impowered him to cast upon
+it--collating, collecting, and compiling------begging, borrowing, and
+stealing, as he went along, all that had been wrote or wrangled
+thereupon in the schools and porticos of the learned: so that
+_Slawkenbergius_ his book may properly be considered, not only as a
+model--but as a thorough-stitched DIGEST and regular institute of
+_noses_, comprehending in it all that is or can be needful to be known
+about them.
+
+For this cause it is that I forbear to speak of so many (otherwise)
+valuable books and treatises of my father's collecting, wrote either,
+plump upon noses----or collaterally touching them; ------such for
+instance as _Prignitz_, now lying upon the table before me, who with
+infinite learning, and from the most candid and scholar-like examination
+of above four thousand different skulls, in upwards of twenty
+charnel-houses in _Silesia_, which he had rummaged------has informed us,
+that the mensuration and configuration of the osseous or bony parts of
+human noses, in any _given_ tract of country, except _Crim Tartary_,
+where they are all crush'd down by the thumb, so that no judgment can be
+formed upon them--are much nearer alike, than the world imagines; --the
+difference amongst them being, he says, a mere trifle, not worth taking
+notice of; ----but that the size and jollity of every individual nose,
+and by which one nose ranks above another, and bears a higher price, is
+owing to the cartilaginous and muscular parts of it, into whose ducts
+and sinuses the blood and animal spirits being impell'd and driven by
+the warmth and force of the imagination, which is but a step from it
+(bating the case of idiots, whom _Prignitz_, who had lived many years in
+_Turky_, supposes under the more immediate tutelage of Heaven)--it so
+happens, and ever must, says _Prignitz_, that the excellency of the nose
+is in a direct arithmetical proportion to the excellency of the wearer's
+fancy.
+
+It is for the same reason, that is, because 'tis all comprehended in
+_Slawkenbergius_, that I say nothing likewise of _Scroderus_ (_Andrea_)
+who, all the world knows, set himself to oppugn _Prignitz_ with great
+violence--proving it in his own way, first _logically_, and then by a
+series of stubborn facts, "That so far was _Prignitz_ from the truth, in
+affirming that the fancy begat the nose, that on the contrary--the nose
+begat the fancy."
+
+--The learned suspected _Scroderus_ of an indecent sophism in this--and
+_Prignitz_ cried out aloud in the dispute, that _Scroderus_ had shifted
+the idea upon him----but _Scroderus_ went on, maintaining his thesis.
+
+My father was just balancing within himself, which of the two sides he
+should take in this affair; when _Ambrose Parćus_ decided it in a
+moment, and by overthrowing the systems, both of _Prignitz_ and
+_Scroderus_, drove my father out of both sides of the controversy at
+once.
+
+Be witness------
+
+I don't acquaint the learned reader--in saying it, I mention it only to
+shew the learned, I know the fact myself------
+
+That this _Ambrose Parćus_ was chief surgeon and nose-mender to
+_Francis_ the ninth of _France_, and in high credit with him and the two
+preceding, or succeeding kings (I know not which)--and that, except in
+the slip he made in his story of _Taliacotius's_ noses, and his manner
+of setting them on--he was esteemed by the whole college of physicians
+at that time, as more knowing in matters of noses, than any one who had
+ever taken them in hand.
+
+Now _Ambrose Parćus_ convinced my father, that the true and efficient
+cause of what had engaged so much the attention of the world, and upon
+which _Prignitz_ and _Scroderus_ had wasted so much learning and fine
+parts----was neither this nor that----but that the length and goodness
+of the nose was owing simply to the softness and flaccidity in the
+nurse's breast------as the flatness and shortness of _puisne_ noses was
+to the firmness and elastic repulsion of the same organ of nutrition in
+the hale and lively--which, tho' happy for the woman, was the undoing of
+the child, inasmuch as his nose was so snubb'd, so rebuff'd, so rebated,
+and so refrigerated thereby, as never to arrive _ad mensuram suam
+legitimam_; ----but that in case of the flaccidity and softness of the
+nurse or mother's breast--by sinking into it, quoth _Parćus_, as into so
+much butter, the nose was comforted, nourish'd, plump'd up, refresh'd,
+refocillated, and set a growing for ever.
+
+I have but two things to observe of _Parćus_; first, That he proves and
+explains all this with the utmost chastity and decorum of expression:
+--for which may his soul for ever rest in peace!
+
+And, secondly, that besides the systems of _Prignitz_ and _Scroderus_,
+which _Ambrose Parćus_ his hypothesis effectually overthrew--it
+overthrew at the same time the system of peace and harmony of our
+family; and for three days together, not only embroiled matters between
+my father and my mother, but turn'd likewise the whole house and
+everything in it, except my uncle _Toby_, quite upside down.
+
+Such a ridiculous tale of a dispute between a man and his wife, never
+surely in any age or country got vent through the key-hole of a
+street-door.
+
+My mother, you must know------but I have fifty things more necessary to
+let you know first ----I have a hundred difficulties which I have
+promised to clear up, and a thousand distresses and domestick
+misadventures crowding in upon me thick and threefold, one upon the neck
+of another. A cow broke in (to-morrow morning) to my uncle _Toby's_
+fortifications, and eat up two rations and a half of dried grass,
+tearing up the sods with it, which faced his horn-work and covered way.
+----_Trim_ insists upon being tried by a court-martial--the cow to be
+shot--_Slop_ to be _crucifix'd_--myself to be _tristram'd_ and at my
+very baptism made a martyr of; ----poor unhappy devils that we all are!
+----I want swaddling------but there is no time to be lost in
+exclamations ------I have left my father lying across his bed, and my
+uncle _Toby_ in his old fringed chair, sitting beside him, and promised
+I would go back to them in half an hour; and five-and-thirty minutes are
+laps'd already. ------Of all the perplexities a mortal author was ever
+seen in----this certainly is the greatest, for I have _Hafen
+Slawkenbergius's_ folio, Sir, to finish----a dialogue between my father
+and my uncle _Toby_, upon the solution of _Prignitz_, _Scroderus_,
+_Ambrose Parćus_, _Ponocrates_, and _Grangousier_ to relate--a tale out
+of _Slawkenbergius_ to translate, and all this in five minutes less than
+no time at all; ------such a head! --would to Heaven my enemies only saw
+the inside of it!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX
+
+
+There was not any one scene more entertaining in our family--and to do
+it justice in this point; ----and I here put off my cap and lay it upon
+the table close beside my ink-horn, on purpose to make my declaration to
+the world concerning this one article the more solemn----that I believe
+in my soul (unless my love and partiality to my understanding blinds me)
+the hand of the supreme Maker and first Designer of all things never
+made or put a family together (in that period at least of it which I
+have sat down to write the story of)----where the characters of it were
+cast or contrasted with so dramatick a felicity as ours was, for this
+end; or in which the capacities of affording such exquisite scenes, and
+the powers of shifting them perpetually from morning to night, were
+lodged and intrusted with so unlimited a confidence, as in the SHANDY
+FAMILY.
+
+Not any one of these was more diverting, I say, in this whimsical
+theatre of ours----than what frequently arose out of this self-same
+chapter of long noses------especially when my father's imagination was
+heated with the enquiry, and nothing would serve him but to heat my
+uncle _Toby's_ too.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ would give my father all possible fair play in this
+attempt; and with infinite patience would sit smoaking his pipe for
+whole hours together, whilst my father was practising upon his head, and
+trying every accessible avenue to drive _Prignitz_ and _Scroderus's_
+solutions into it.
+
+Whether they were above my uncle _Toby's_ reason------or contrary to
+it------or that his brain was like _damp_ timber, and no spark could
+possibly take hold----or that it was so full of saps, mines, blinds,
+curtins, and such military disqualifications to his seeing clearly into
+_Prignitz_ and _Scroderus's_ doctrines ----I say not--let
+schoolmen--scullions, anatomists, and engineers, fight for it among
+themselves----
+
+'Twas some misfortune, I make no doubt, in this affair, that my father
+had every word of it to translate for the benefit of my uncle _Toby_,
+and render out of _Slawkenbergius's_ _Latin_, of which, as he was no
+great master, his translation was not always of the purest----and
+generally least so where 'twas most wanted. --This naturally open'd a
+door to a second misfortune; ----that in the warmer paroxysms of his
+zeal to open my uncle _Toby's_ eyes------my father's ideas ran on as
+much faster than the translation, as the translation outmoved my uncle
+_Toby's_------ neither the one or the other added much to the
+perspicuity of my father's lecture.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL
+
+
+The gift of ratiocination and making syllogisms ----I mean in man--for in
+superior classes of being, such as angels and spirits----'tis all done,
+may it please your worships, as they tell me, by INTUITION; --and beings
+inferior, as your worships all know----syllogize by their noses: though
+there is an island swimming in the sea (though not altogether at its
+ease) whose inhabitants, if my intelligence deceives me not, are so
+wonderfully gifted, as to syllogize after the same fashion, and
+oft-times to make very well out too: ------but that's neither here nor
+there------
+
+The gift of doing it as it should be, amongst us, or--the great and
+principal act of ratiocination in man, as logicians tell us, is the
+finding out the agreement or disagreement of two ideas one with another,
+by the intervention of a third (called the _medius terminus_); just as a
+man, as _Locke_ well observes, by a yard, finds two men's
+nine-pin-alleys to be of the same length, which could not be brought
+together, to measure their equality, by _juxta-position_.
+
+Had the same great reasoner looked on, as my father illustrated his
+systems of noses, and observed my uncle _Toby's_ deportment--what great
+attention he gave to every word--and as oft as he took his pipe from his
+mouth, with what wonderful seriousness he contemplated the length of
+it----surveying it transversely as he held it betwixt his finger and his
+thumb------then fore-right------then this way, and then that, in all its
+possible directions and foreshortenings------he would have concluded my
+uncle _Toby_ had got hold of the _medius terminus_, and was syllogizing
+and measuring with it the truth of each hypothesis of long noses, in
+order, as my father laid them before him. This, by the bye, was more
+than my father wanted----his aim in all the pains he was at in these
+philosophick lectures--was to enable my uncle _Toby_ not to
+_discuss_----but _comprehend_----to _hold_ the grains and scruples of
+learning----not to _weigh_ them. ----My uncle _Toby_, as you will read
+in the next chapter, did neither the one or the other.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLI
+
+
+'Tis a pity, cried my father one winter's night, after a three hours'
+painful translation of _Slawkenbergius_----'tis a pity, cried my father,
+putting my mother's thread-paper into the book for a mark, as he
+spoke----that truth, brother _Toby_, should shut herself up in such
+impregnable fastnesses, and be so obstinate as not to surrender herself
+sometimes up upon the closest siege.----
+
+Now it happened then, as indeed it had often done before, that my uncle
+_Toby's_ fancy, during the time of my father's explanation of _Prignitz_
+to him------having nothing to stay it there, had taken a short flight to
+the bowling-green! ------his body might as well have taken a turn there
+too--so that with all the semblance of a deep school-man intent upon the
+_medius terminus_------my uncle _Toby_ was in fact as ignorant of the
+whole lecture, and all its pros and cons, as if my father had been
+translating _Hafen Slawkenbergius_ from the _Latin_ tongue into the
+_Cherokee_. But the word _siege_, like a talismanic power, in my
+father's metaphor, wafting back my uncle _Toby's_ fancy, quick as a note
+could follow the touch--he open'd his ears----and my father observing
+that he took his pipe out of his mouth, and shuffled his chair nearer
+the table, as with a desire to profit--my father with great pleasure
+began his sentence again----changing only the plan, and dropping the
+metaphor of the siege of it, to keep clear of some dangers my father
+apprehended from it.
+
+'Tis a pity, said my father, that truth can only be on one side, brother
+_Toby_------considering what ingenuity these learned men have all shewn
+in their solutions of noses. ----Can noses be dissolved? replied my
+uncle _Toby_.
+
+------My father thrust back his chair------rose up--put on his
+hat------took four long strides to the door------jerked it
+open----thrust his head half way out----shut the door again----took no
+notice of the bad hinge----returned to the table--pluck'd my mother's
+thread-paper out of _Slawkenbergius's_ book------went hastily to his
+bureau--walked slowly back--twisted my mother's thread-paper about his
+thumb--unbutton'd his waistcoat--threw my mother's thread-paper into the
+fire----bit her sattin pin-cushion in two, fill'd his mouth with
+bran--confounded it; --but mark! --the oath of confusion was levell'd at
+my uncle _Toby's_ brain--which was e'en confused enough already----the
+curse came charged only with the bran--the bran, may it please your
+honours, was no more than powder to the ball.
+
+'Twas well my father's passions lasted not long; for so long as they did
+last, they led him a busy life on't; and it is one of the most
+unaccountable problems that ever I met with in my observations of human
+nature, that nothing should prove my father's mettle so much, or make
+his passions go off so like gunpowder, as the unexpected strokes his
+science met with from the quaint simplicity of my uncle _Toby's_
+questions. ----Had ten dozen of hornets stung him behind in so many
+different places all at one time--he could not have exerted more
+mechanical functions in fewer seconds------or started half so much, as
+with one single _qućre_ of three words unseasonably popping in full upon
+him in his hobby-horsical career.
+
+'Twas all one to my uncle _Toby_------he smoaked his pipe on with
+unvaried composure----his heart never intended offence to his
+brother--and as his head could seldom find out where the sting of it
+lay----he always gave my father the credit of cooling by himself. ----He
+was five minutes and thirty-five seconds about it in the present case.
+
+By all that's good! said my father, swearing, as he came to himself, and
+taking the oath out of _Ernulphus's_ digest of curses----(though to do
+my father justice it was a fault (as he told Dr. _Slop_ in the affair of
+_Ernulphus_) which he as seldom committed as any man upon earth) ------By
+all that's good and great! brother _Toby_, said my father, if it was not
+for the aids of philosophy, which befriend one so much as they do--you
+would put a man beside all temper. ----Why, by the _solutions_ of noses,
+of which I was telling you, I meant, as you might have known, had you
+favoured me with one grain of attention, the various accounts which
+learned men of different kinds of knowledge have given the world of the
+causes of short and long noses. ----There is no cause but one, replied
+my uncle _Toby_----why one man's nose is longer than another's, but
+because that God pleases to have it so. ----That is _Grangousier's_
+solution, said my father. --'Tis he, continued my uncle _Toby_, looking
+up, and not regarding my father's interruption, who makes us all, and
+frames and puts us together in such forms and proportions, and for such
+ends, as is agreeable to his infinite wisdom. ----'Tis a pious account,
+cried my father, but not philosophical----there is more religion in it
+than sound science. 'Twas no inconsistent part of my uncle _Toby's_
+character----that he feared God, and reverenced religion. ----So the
+moment my father finished his remark----my uncle _Toby_ fell a whistling
+_Lillabullero_ with more zeal (though more out of tune) than usual.--
+
+What is become of my wife's thread-paper?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLII
+
+
+No matter--as an appendage to seamstressy, the thread-paper might be of
+some consequence to my mother--of none to my father, as a mark in
+_Slawkenbergius_. _Slawkenbergius_ in every page of him was a rich
+treasure of inexhaustible knowledge to my father--he could not open him
+amiss; and he would often say in closing the book, that if all the arts
+and sciences in the world, with the books which treated of them, were
+lost--should the wisdom and policies of governments, he would say,
+through disuse, ever happen to be forgot, and all that statesmen had
+wrote or caused to be written, upon the strong or the weak sides of
+courts and kingdoms, should they be forgot also--and _Slawkenbergius_
+only left----there would be enough in him in all conscience, he would
+say, to set the world a-going again. A treasure therefore was he indeed!
+an institute of all that was necessary to be known of noses, and
+everything else--at _matin_, noon, and vespers was _Hafen
+Slawkenbergius_ his recreation and delight: 'twas for ever in his
+hands----you would have sworn, Sir, it had been a canon's
+prayer-book--so worn, so glazed, so contrited and attrited was it with
+fingers and with thumbs in all its parts, from one end even unto the
+other.
+
+I am not such a bigot to _Slawkenbergius_ as my father; ----there is a
+fund in him, no doubt: but in my opinion, the best, I don't say the most
+profitable, but the most amusing part of _Hafen Slawkenbergius_, is his
+tales------and, considering he was a _German_, many of them told not
+without fancy: ------these take up his second book, containing nearly
+one half of his folio, and are comprehended in ten decads, each decad
+containing ten tales ------Philosophy is not built upon tales; and
+therefore 'twas certainly wrong in _Slawkenbergius_ to send them into
+the world by that name! ----there are a few of them in his eighth,
+ninth, and tenth decads, which I own seem rather playful and sportive,
+than speculative--but in general they are to be looked upon by the
+learned as a detail of so many independent facts, all of them turning
+round somehow or other upon the main hinges of his subject, and
+collected by him with great fidelity, and added to his work as so many
+illustrations upon the doctrines of noses.
+
+As we have leisure enough upon our hands----if you give me leave, madam,
+I'll tell you the ninth tale of his tenth decad.
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note:
+
+Like the Excommunication, the following section was printed on facing
+pages. For this e-text it is given in consecutive paragraphs, with the
+Latin text inset.]
+
+
+BOOK IV
+
+
+  SLAWKENBERGII FABELLA[4.1]
+
+SLAWKENBERGIUS'S TALE
+
+
+  _Vespera quâdam frigidulâ, posteriori in parte mensis _Augusti_,
+  peregrinus, mulo fusco colore insidens, manticâ a tergo, paucis
+  indusiis, binis calceis, braccisque sericis coccineis repleta,
+  _Argentoratum_ ingressus est._
+
+It was one cool refreshing evening, at the close of a very sultry day,
+in the latter end of the month of _August_, when a stranger, mounted
+upon a dark mule, with a small cloak-bag behind him, containing a few
+shirts, a pair of shoes, and a crimson-sattin pair of breeches, entered
+the town of _Strasburg_.
+
+  _Militi eum percontanti, quum portas intraret dixit, se apud
+  Nasorum promontorium fuisse, Francofurtum proficisci, et
+  Argentoratum, transitu ad fines Sarmatić mensis intervallo,
+  reversurum._
+
+He told the centinel, who questioned him as he entered the gates, that
+he had been at the Promontory of NOSES--was going on to
+_Frankfort_----and should be back again at _Strasburg_ that day month,
+in his way to the borders of _Crim Tartary_.
+
+  _Miles peregrini in faciem suspexit ----Dî boni, nova forma nasi!_
+
+The centinel looked up into the stranger's face----he never saw such a
+Nose in his life!
+
+  _At multum mihi profuit, inquit peregrinus, carpum amento extrahens,
+  e quo pependit acinaces: Loculo manum inseruit; et magnâ cum
+  urbanitate, pilei parte anteriore tactâ manu sinistrâ, ut extendit
+  dextram, militi florinum dedit et processit._
+
+--I have made a very good venture of it, quoth the stranger--so slipping
+his wrist out of the loop of a black ribbon, to which a short scymetar
+was hung, he put his hand into his pocket, and with great courtesy
+touching the fore part of his cap with his left hand, as he extended his
+right----he put a florin into the centinel's hand, and passed on.
+
+  _Dolet mihi, ait miles, tympanistam nanum et valgum alloquens, virum
+  adeo urbanum vaginam perdidisse: itinerari haud poterit nudâ
+  acinaci; neque vaginam toto _Argentorato_, habilem
+  inveniet. ------Nullam unquam habui, respondit peregrinus
+  respiciens------seque comiter inclinans--hoc more gesto, nudam
+  acinacem elevans, mulo lentň progrediente, ut nasum tueri possim._
+
+It grieves me, said the centinel, speaking to a little dwarfish
+bandy-legg'd drummer, that so courteous a soul should have lost his
+scabbard------he cannot travel without one to his scymetar, and will not
+be able to get a scabbard to fit it in all _Strasburg_. ----I never had
+one, replied the stranger, looking back to the centinel, and putting his
+hand up to his cap as he spoke ----I carry it, continued he,
+thus----holding up his naked scymetar, his mule moving on slowly all the
+time--on purpose to defend my nose.
+
+  _Non immerito, benigne peregrine, respondit miles._
+
+It is well worth it, gentle stranger, replied the centinel.
+
+  _Nihili ćstimo, ait ille tympanista, e pergamenâ factitius est._
+
+----'Tis not worth a single stiver, said the bandy-legg'd
+drummer----'tis a nose of parchment.
+
+  _Prout christianus sum, inquit miles, nasus ille, ni sexties major
+  sit, meo esset conformis._
+
+As I am a true catholic--except that it is six times as big--'tis a
+nose, said the centinel, like my own.
+
+  _Crepitare audivi ait tympanista._
+
+--I heard it crackle, said the drummer.
+
+  _Mehercule! sanguinem emisit, respondit miles._
+
+By dunder, said the centinel, I saw it bleed.
+
+  _Miseret me, inquit tympanista, qui non ambo tetigimus!_
+
+What a pity, cried the bandy-legg'd drummer, we did not both touch it!
+
+  _Eodem temporis puncto, quo hćc res argumentata fuit inter militem
+  et tympanistam, disceptabatur ibidem tubicine et uxore suâ qui tunc
+  accesserunt, et peregrino prćtereunte, restiterunt._
+
+At the very time that this dispute was maintaining by the centinel and
+the drummer--was the same point debating betwixt a trumpeter and a
+trumpeter's wife, who were just then coming up, and had stopped to see
+the stranger pass by.
+
+  _Quantus nasus! ćque longus est, ait tubicina, ac tuba._
+
+_Benedicity!_ ------What a nose! 'tis as long, said the trumpeter's wife,
+as a trumpet.
+
+  _Et ex eodem metallo, ait tubicen, velut sternutamento audias._
+
+And of the same metal, said the trumpeter, as you hear by its sneezing.
+
+  _Tantum abest, respondit illa, quod fistulam dulcedine vincit._
+
+'Tis as soft as a flute, said she.
+
+  _Ćneus est, ait tubicen._
+
+--'Tis brass, said the trumpeter.
+
+  _Nequaquam, respondit uxor._
+
+--'Tis a pudding's end, said his wife.
+
+  _Rursum affirmo, ait tubicen, quod ćneus est._
+
+I tell thee again, said the trumpeter, 'tis a brazen nose.
+
+  _Rem penitus explorabo; prius, enim digito tangam, ait uxor, quam
+  dormivero._
+
+I'll know the bottom of it, said the trumpeter's wife, for I will touch
+it with my finger before I sleep.
+
+  _Mulus peregrini gradu lento progressus est, ut unumquodque verbum
+  controversić, non tantum inter militem et tympanistam, verum etiam
+  inter tubicinem et uxorem ejus, audiret._
+
+The stranger's mule moved on at so slow a rate, that he heard every word
+of the dispute, not only betwixt the centinel and the drummer, but
+betwixt the trumpeter and trumpeter's wife.
+
+  _Nequaquam, ait ille, in muli collum frćna demittens, et manibus
+  ambabus in pectus positis, (mulo lentč progrediente) nequaquam, ait
+  ille respiciens, non necesse est ut res isthćc dilucidata foret.
+  Minime gentium! meus nasus nunquam tangetur, dum spiritus hos reget
+  artus --Ad quid agendum? ait uxor burgomagistri._
+
+No! said he, dropping his reins upon his mule's neck, and laying both
+his hands upon his breast, the one over the other, in a saint-like
+position (his mule going on easily all the time) No! said he, looking
+up --I am not such a debtor to the world----slandered and disappointed as
+I have been--as to give it that conviction----no! said he, my nose shall
+never be touched whilst Heaven gives me strength ----To do what? said a
+burgomaster's wife.
+
+  _Peregrinus illi non respondit. Votum faciebat tunc temporis sancto
+  Nicolao; quo facto, in sinum dextrum inserens, e quâ negligenter
+  pependit acinaces, lento gradu processit per plateam Argentorati
+  latam quć ad diversorium templo ex adversum ducit._
+
+The stranger took no notice of the burgomaster's wife------he was making
+a vow to _Saint Nicolas_; which done, having uncrossed his arms with the
+same solemnity with which he crossed them, he took up the reins of his
+bridle with his left hand, and putting his right hand into his bosom,
+with his scymetar hanging loosely to the wrist of it, he rode on, as
+slowly as one foot of the mule could follow another, thro' the principal
+streets of _Strasburg_, till chance brought him to the great inn in the
+market-place over against the church.
+
+  _Peregrinus mulo descendens stabulo includi, et manticam inferri
+  jussit: quâ apertâ et coccineis sericis femoralibus extractis cum
+  argenteo laciniato +Perizômata+, his sese induit, statimque, acinaci
+  in manu, ad forum deambulavit._
+
+The moment the stranger alighted, he ordered his mule to be led into the
+stable, and his cloak-bag to be brought in; then opening, and taking out
+of it his crimson-sattin breeches, with a silver-fringed--(appendage to
+them, which I dare not translate)--he put his breeches, with his fringed
+codpiece on, and forthwith, with his short scymetar in his hand, walked
+out on to the grand parade.
+
+  _Quod ubi peregrinus esset ingressus, uxorem tubicinis obviam euntem
+  aspicit; illico cursum flectit, metuens ne nasus suus exploraretur,
+  atque ad diversorium regressus est--exuit se vestibus; braccas
+  coccineas sericas manticć imposuit mulumque educi jussit._
+
+The stranger had just taken three turns upon the parade, when he
+perceived the trumpeter's wife at the opposite side of it--so turning
+short, in pain lest his nose should be attempted, he instantly went back
+to his inn--undressed himself, packed up his crimson-sattin breeches,
+&c., in his cloak-bag, and called for his mule.
+
+  _Francofurtum proficiscor, ait ille, et Argentoratum quatuor abhinc
+  hebdomadis revertar._
+
+I am going forwards, said the stranger, for _Frankfort_----and shall be
+back at _Strasburg_ this day month.
+
+  _Bene curasti hoc jumentum? (ait) muli faciem manu demulcens--me,
+  manticamque mean, plus sexcentis mille passibus portavit._
+
+I hope, continued the stranger, stroking down the face of his mule with
+his left hand as he was going to mount it, that you have been kind to
+this faithful slave of mine--it has carried me and my cloak-bag,
+continued he, tapping the mule's back, above six hundred leagues.
+
+  _Longa via est! respondet hospes, nisi plurimum esset
+  negoti. --Enimvero, ait peregrinus, a Nasorum promontorio redii, et
+  nasum speciosissimum, egregiosissimumque quem unquam quisquam
+  sortitus est, acquisivi._
+
+----'Tis a long journey, Sir, replied the master of the inn----unless a
+man has great business. ----Tut! tut! said the stranger, I have been at
+the Promontory of Noses; and have got me one of the goodliest, thank
+Heaven, that ever fell to a single man's lot.
+
+  _Dum peregrinus hanc miram rationem de seipso reddit, hospes et uxor
+  ejus, oculis intentis, peregrini nasum contemplantur ----Per sanctos
+  sanctasque omnes, ait hospitis uxor, nasis duodecim maximis in toto
+  Argentorato major est! --estne, ait illa mariti in aurem insusurrans,
+  nonne est nasus prćgrandis?_
+
+Whilst the stranger was giving this odd account of himself, the master
+of the inn and his wife kept both their eyes fixed full upon the
+stranger's nose ----By saint _Radagunda_, said the inn-keeper's wife to
+herself, there is more of it than in any dozen of the largest noses put
+together in all _Strasburg!_ is it not, said she, whispering her husband
+in his ear, is it not a noble nose?
+
+  _Dolus inest, anime mî, ait hospes--nasus est falsus._
+
+'Tis an imposture, my dear, said the master of the inn----'tis a false
+nose.
+
+  _Verus est, respondit uxor----_
+
+'Tis a true nose, said his wife.
+
+  _Ex abiete factus est, ait ille, terebinthinum olet------_
+
+'Tis made of fir-tree, said he, I smell the turpentine.------
+
+  _Carbunculus inest, ait uxor._
+
+There's a pimple on it, said she.
+
+  _Mortuus est nasus, respondit hospes._
+
+'Tis a dead nose, replied the inn-keeper.
+
+  _Vivus est ait illa, --et si ipsa vivam tangam._
+
+'Tis a live nose, and if I am alive myself, said the inn-keeper's wife,
+I will touch it.
+
+  _Votum feci sancto Nicolao, ait peregrinus, nasum meum intactum fore
+  usque ad --Quodnam tempus? illico respondit illa._
+
+I have made a vow to saint _Nicolas_ this day, said the stranger, that
+my nose shall not be touched till --Here the stranger, suspending his
+voice, looked up. ------Till when? said she hastily.
+
+  _Minimo tangetur, inquit ille (manibus in pectus compositis) usque
+  ad illam horam ------Quam horam? ait illa ------Nullam, respondit
+  peregrinus, donec pervenio ad --Quem locum, --obsecro? ait
+  illa ----Peregrinus nil respondens mulo conscenso discessit._
+
+It never shall be touched, said he, clasping his hands and bringing them
+close to his breast, till that hour --What hour? cried the inn-keeper's
+wife. --Never! --never! said the stranger, never till I am got --For
+Heaven's sake, into what place? said she ------The stranger rode away
+without saying a word.
+
+The stranger had not got half a league on his way towards _Frankfort_
+before all the city of _Strasburg_ was in an uproar about his nose. The
+_Compline_ bells were just ringing to call the _Strasburgers_ to their
+devotions, and shut up the duties of the day in prayer: --no soul in all
+_Strasburg_ heard 'em--the city was like a swarm of bees------men,
+women, and children (the _Compline_ bells tinkling all the time) flying
+here and there--in at one door, out at another----this way and that
+way--long ways and cross ways--up one street, down another street----in
+at this alley, out of that------did you see it? did you see it? did you
+see it? O! did you see it? ------who saw it? who did see it? for mercy's
+sake, who saw it?
+
+Alack o'day! I was at vespers! --I was washing, I was starching, I was
+scouring, I was quilting ----God help me! I never saw it ----I never
+touch'd it! ----would I had been a centinel, a bandy-legg'd drummer,
+a trumpeter, a trumpeter's wife, was the general cry and lamentation in
+every street and corner of _Strasburg_.
+
+Whilst all this confusion and disorder triumphed throughout the great
+city of _Strasburg_, was the courteous stranger going on as gently upon
+his mule in his way to _Frankfort_, as if he had no concern at all in
+the affair------talking all the way he rode in broken sentences,
+sometimes to his mule--sometimes to himself--sometimes to his Julia.
+
+O Julia, my lovely Julia! --nay, I cannot stop to let thee bite that
+thistle----that ever the suspected tongue of a rival should have robbed
+me of enjoyment when I was upon the point of tasting it.----
+
+----Pugh! --'tis nothing but a thistle--never mind it----thou shalt have
+a better supper at night.
+
+----Banish'd from my country----my friends----from thee.----
+
+Poor devil, thou'rt sadly tired with thy journey! ----come--get on a
+little faster--there's nothing in my cloak-bag but two shirts----a
+crimson-sattin pair of breeches, and a fringed ----Dear Julia.
+
+----But why to _Frankfort_--is it that there is a hand unfelt, which
+secretly is conducting me through these meanders and unsuspected tracts?
+
+----Stumbling! by saint _Nicolas!_ every step--why, at this rate we
+shall be all night in getting in------
+
+----To happiness----or am I to be the sport of fortune and slander--
+destined to be driven forth unconvicted----unheard----untouch'd----if
+so, why did I not stay at _Strasburg_, where justice--but I had sworn!
+Come, thou shalt drink--to _St. Nicolas_ --O Julia! ------What dost thou
+prick up thy ears at? ----'tis nothing but a man, &c.
+
+The stranger rode on communing in this manner with his mule and
+Julia--till he arrived at his inn, where, as soon as he arrived, he
+alighted------saw his mule, as he had promised it, taken good care
+of----took off his cloak-bag, with his crimson-sattin breeches, &c., in
+it--called for an omelet to his supper, went to his bed about twelve
+o'clock, and in five minutes fell fast asleep.
+
+It was about the same hour when the tumult in _Strasburg_ being abated
+for that night, --the _Strasburgers_ had all got quietly into their
+beds--but not like the stranger, for the rest either of their minds or
+bodies; queen _Mab_, like an elf as she was, had taken the stranger's
+nose, and without reduction of its bulk, had that night been at the
+pains of slitting and dividing it into as many noses of different cuts
+and fashions, as there were heads in _Strasburg_ to hold them. The
+abbess of _Quedlingberg_, who with the four great dignitaries of her
+chapter, the prioress, the deaness, the sub-chantress, and senior
+canoness, had that week come to _Strasburg_ to consult the university
+upon a case of conscience relating to their placket-holes------was ill
+all the night.
+
+The courteous stranger's nose had got perched upon the top of the pineal
+gland of her brain, and made such rousing work in the fancies of the
+four great dignitaries of her chapter, they could not get a wink of
+sleep the whole night thro' for it----there was no keeping a limb still
+amongst them----in short, they got up like so many ghosts.
+
+The penitentiaries of the third order of saint _Francis_----the nuns
+of mount _Calvary_----the _Prćmonstratenses_----the _Clunienses_[4.2]
+----the _Carthusians_, and all the severer orders of nuns who lay that
+night in blankets or hair-cloth, were still in a worse condition than
+the abbess of _Quedlingberg_--by tumbling and tossing, and tossing and
+tumbling from one side of their beds to the other the whole night
+long----the several sisterhoods had scratch'd and maul'd themselves all
+to death----they got out of their beds almost flay'd alive--everybody
+thought saint _Antony_ had visited them for probation with his fire----
+they had never once, in short, shut their eyes the whole night long from
+vespers to matins.
+
+The nuns of saint _Ursula_ acted the wisest--they never attempted to go
+to bed at all.
+
+The dean of _Strasburg_, the prebendaries, the capitulars and
+domiciliars (capitularly assembled in the morning to consider the case
+of butter'd buns) all wished they had followed the nuns of saint
+_Ursula's_ example.------
+
+In the hurry and confusion everything had been in the night before, the
+bakers had all forgot to lay their leaven--there were no butter'd buns
+to be had for breakfast in all _Strasburg_--the whole close of the
+cathedral was in one eternal commotion----such a cause of restlessness
+and disquietude, and such a zealous inquiry into the cause of that
+restlessness, had never happened in _Strasburg_, since _Martin Luther_,
+with his doctrines, had turned the city upside down.
+
+If the stranger's nose took this liberty of thrusting himself thus into
+the dishes[4.3] of religious orders, &c., what a carnival did his nose
+make of it, in those of the laity! --'tis more than my pen, worn to the
+stump as it is, has power to describe; tho' I acknowledge, (_cries
+_Slawkenbergius_, with more gaiety of thought than I could have expected
+from him_) that there is many a good simile now subsisting in the world
+which might give my countrymen some idea of it; but at the close of such
+a folio as this, wrote for their sakes, and in which I have spent the
+greatest part of my life----tho' I own to them the simile is in being,
+yet would it not be unreasonable in them to expect I should have either
+time or inclination to search for it? Let it suffice to say, that the
+riot and disorder it occasioned in the _Strasburgers'_ fantasies was so
+general--such an overpowering mastership had it got of all the faculties
+of the _Strasburgers'_ minds--so many strange things, with equal
+confidence on all sides, and with equal eloquence in all places, were
+spoken and sworn to concerning it, that turned the whole stream of all
+discourse and wonder towards it--every soul, good and bad--rich and
+poor--learned and unlearned----doctor and student----mistress and
+maid----gentle and simple----nun's flesh and woman's flesh, in
+_Strasburg_ spent their time in hearing tidings about it--every eye in
+_Strasburg_ languished to see it----every finger----every thumb in
+_Strasburg_ burned to touch it.
+
+Now what might add, if anything may be thought necessary to add, to so
+vehement a desire--was this, that the centinel, the bandy-legg'd
+drummer, the trumpeter, the trumpeter's wife, the burgomaster's widow,
+the master of the inn, and the master of the inn's wife, how widely
+soever they all differed every one from another in their testimonies and
+description of the stranger's nose--they all agreed together in two
+points--namely, that he was gone to _Frankfort_, and would not return to
+_Strasburg_ till that day month; and secondly, whether his nose was true
+or false, that the stranger himself was one of the most perfect paragons
+of beauty--the finest-made man--the most genteel! --the most generous of
+his purse--the most courteous in his carriage that had ever entered the
+gates of _Strasburg_--that as he rode, with scymetar slung loosely to
+his wrist, thro' the streets--and walked with his crimson-sattin
+breeches across the parade--'twas with so sweet an air of careless
+modesty, and so manly withal----as would have put the heart in jeopardy
+(had his nose not stood in his way) of every virgin who had cast her
+eyes upon him.
+
+I call not upon that heart which is a stranger to the throbs and
+yearnings of curiosity, so excited, to justify the abbess of
+_Quedlingberg_, the prioress, the deaness, and sub-chantress, for
+sending at noon-day for the trumpeter's wife: she went through the
+streets of _Strasburg_ with her husband's trumpet in her hand, ----the
+best apparatus the straitness of the time would allow her, for the
+illustration of her theory--she staid no longer than three days.
+
+The centinel and bandy-legg'd drummer! ----nothing on this side of old
+_Athens_ could equal them! they read their lectures under the city-gates
+to comers and goers, with all the pomp of a _Chrysippus_ and a _Crantor_
+in their porticos.
+
+The master of the inn, with his ostler on his left-hand, read his also
+in the same stile--under the portico or gateway of his stable-yard--his
+wife, hers more privately in a back room: all flocked to their lectures;
+not promiscuously--but to this or that, as is ever the way, as faith and
+credulity marshal'd them----in a word, each _Strasburger_ came crouding
+for intelligence----and every _Strasburger_ had the intelligence he
+wanted.
+
+'Tis worth remarking, for the benefit of all demonstrators in natural
+philosophy, &c., that as soon as the trumpeter's wife had finished the
+abbess of _Quedlingberg's_ private lecture, and had begun to read in
+public, which she did upon a stool in the middle of the great parade,
+----she incommoded the other demonstrators mainly, by gaining
+incontinently the most fashionable part of the city of _Strasburg_ for
+her auditory ----But when a demonstrator in philosophy (cries
+_Slawkenbergius_) has a _trumpet_ for an apparatus, pray what rival in
+science can pretend to be heard besides him?
+
+Whilst the unlearned, thro' these conduits of intelligence, were all
+busied in getting down to the bottom of the well, where TRUTH keeps her
+little court------were the learned in their way as busy in pumping her
+up thro' the conduits of dialect induction----they concerned themselves
+not with facts------they reasoned------
+
+Not one profession had thrown more light upon this subject than the
+Faculty--had not all their disputes about it run into the affair of
+_Wens_ and oedematous swellings, they could not keep clear of them for
+their bloods and souls------the stranger's nose had nothing to do either
+with wens or oedematous swellings.
+
+It was demonstrated however very satisfactorily, that such a ponderous
+mass of heterogeneous matter could not be congested and conglomerated to
+the nose, whilst the infant was _in Utero_, without destroying the
+statical balance of the foetus, and throwing it plump upon its head nine
+months before the time.------
+
+----The opponents granted the theory----they denied the consequences.
+
+And if a suitable provision of veins, arteries, &c., said they, was not
+laid in, for the due nourishment of such a nose, in the very first
+stamina and rudiments of its formation, before it came into the world
+(bating the case of Wens) it could not regularly grow and be sustained
+afterwards.
+
+This was all answered by a dissertation upon nutriment, and the effect
+which nutriment had in extending the vessels, and in the increase and
+prolongation of the muscular parts of the greatest growth and expansion
+imaginable --In the triumph of which theory, they went so far as to
+affirm, that there was no cause in nature, why a nose might not grow to
+the size of the man himself.
+
+The respondents satisfied the world this event could never happen to
+them so long as a man had but one stomach and one pair of lungs ----For
+the stomach, said they, being the only organ destined for the reception
+of food, and turning it into chyle--and the lungs the only engine of
+sanguification--it could possibly work off no more, than what the
+appetite brought it: or admitting the possibility of a man's overloading
+his stomach, nature had set bounds however to his lungs--the engine was
+of a determined size and strength, and could elaborate but a certain
+quantity in a given time------that is, it could produce just as much
+blood as was sufficient for one single man, and no more; so that, if
+there was as much nose as man----they proved a mortification must
+necessarily ensue; and forasmuch as there could not be a support for
+both, that the nose must either fall off from the man, or the man
+inevitably fall off from his nose.
+
+Nature accommodates herself to these emergencies, cried the
+opponents--else what do you say to the case of a whole stomach--a whole
+pair of lungs, and but _half_ a man, when both his legs have been
+unfortunately shot off?
+
+He dies of a plethora, said they--or must spit blood, and in a fortnight
+or three weeks go off in a consumption.------
+
+----It happens otherwise--replied the opponents.----
+
+It ought not, said they.
+
+The more curious and intimate inquirers after nature and her doings,
+though they went hand in hand a good way together, yet they all divided
+about the nose at last, almost as much as the Faculty itself.
+
+They amicably laid it down, that there was a just and geometrical
+arrangement and proportion of the several parts of the human frame to
+its several destinations, offices, and functions which could not be
+transgressed but within certain limits--that nature, though she
+sported----she sported within a certain circle; --and they could not
+agree about the diameter of it.
+
+The logicians stuck much closer to the point before them than any of the
+classes of the literati; ------they began and ended with the word Nose;
+and had it not been for a _petitio principii_, which one of the ablest
+of them ran his head against in the beginning of the combat, the whole
+controversy had been settled at once.
+
+A nose, argued the logician, cannot bleed without blood--and not only
+blood--but blood circulating in it to supply the phćnomenon with a
+succession of drops--(a stream being but a quicker succession of drops,
+that is included, said he). ----Now death, continued the logician, being
+nothing but the stagnation of the blood----
+
+I deny the definition ----Death is the separation of the soul from the
+body, said his antagonist ----Then we don't agree about our weapons,
+said the logician --Then there is an end of the dispute, replied the
+antagonist.
+
+The civilians were still more concise: what they offered being more in
+the nature of a decree----than a dispute.
+
+Such a monstrous nose, said they, had it been a true nose, could not
+possibly have been suffered in civil society----and if false--to impose
+upon society with such false signs and tokens, was a still greater
+violation of its rights, and must have had still less mercy shewn it.
+
+The only objection to this was, that if it proved anything, it proved
+the stranger's nose was neither true nor false.
+
+This left room for the controversy to go on. It was maintained by the
+advocates of the ecclesiastic court, that there was nothing to inhibit a
+decree, since the stranger _ex mero motu_ had confessed he had been at
+the Promontory of Noses, and had got one of the goodliest, &c. &c.
+------To this it was answered, it was impossible there should be such a
+place as the Promontory of Noses, and the learned be ignorant where it
+lay. The commissary of the bishop of _Strasburg_ undertook the
+advocates, explained this matter in a treatise upon proverbial phrases,
+shewing them, that the Promontory of Noses was a mere allegorick
+expression, importing no more than that nature had given him a long
+nose: in proof of which, with great learning, he cited the underwritten
+authorities,[4.4] which had decided the point incontestably, had it not
+appeared that a dispute about some franchises of dean and chapter-lands
+had been determined by it nineteen years before.
+
+It happened ----I must not say unluckily for Truth, because they were
+giving her a lift another way in so doing; that the two universities of
+_Strasburg_----the _Lutheran_, founded in the year 1538 by _Jacobus
+Surmis_, counsellor of the senate, ----and the _Popish_, founded by
+_Leopold_, arch-duke of _Austria_, were, during all this time, employing
+the whole depth of their knowledge (except just what the affair of the
+abbess of _Quedlingberg's_ placket-holes required)----in determining the
+point of _Martin Luther's_ damnation.
+
+The _Popish_ doctors had undertaken to demonstrate _ŕ priori_, that from
+the necessary influence of the planets on the twenty-second day of
+_October_ 1483------when the moon was in the twelfth house, _Jupiter_,
+_Mars_, and _Venus_ in the third, the _Sun_, _Saturn_, and _Mercury_,
+all got together in the fourth--that he must in course, and unavoidably,
+be a damn'd man--and that his doctrines, by a direct corollary, must be
+damn'd doctrines too.
+
+By inspection into his horoscope, where five planets were in coition all
+at once with Scorpio[4.5] (in reading this my father would always shake
+his head) in the ninth house, which the _Arabians_ allotted to
+religion--it appeared that _Martin Luther_ did not care one stiver about
+the matter------and that from the horoscope directed to the conjunction
+of _Mars_--they made it plain likewise he must die cursing and
+blaspheming----with the blast of which his soul (being steep'd in guilt)
+sailed before the wind, in the lake of hell-fire.
+
+The little objection of the _Lutheran_ doctors to this, was, that it
+must certainly be the soul of another man, born _Oct._ 22, 83, which was
+forced to sail down before the wind in that manner--inasmuch as it
+appeared from the register of _Islaben_ in the county of _Mansfelt_,
+that _Luther_ was not born in the year 1483, but in 84; and not on the
+22d day of _October_, but on the 10th of _November_, the eve of
+_Martinmas_ day, from whence he had the name of _Martin_.
+
+[----I must break off my translation for a moment; for if I did not,
+I know I should no more be able to shut my eyes in bed, than the abbess
+of _Quedlingberg_ ----It is to tell the reader, that my father never
+read this passage of _Slawkenbergius_ to my uncle _Toby_, but with
+triumph------not over my uncle _Toby_, for he never opposed him in
+it----but over the whole world.
+
+--Now you see, brother _Toby_, he would say, looking up, "that christian
+names are not such indifferent things;" ------had _Luther_ here been
+called by any other name but Martin, he would have been damn'd to all
+eternity ------Not that I look upon _Martin_, he would add, as a good
+name----far from it----'tis something better than a neutral, and but a
+little----yet little as it is, you see it was of some service to him.
+
+My father knew the weakness of this prop to his hypothesis, as well as
+the best logician could shew him----yet so strange is the weakness of
+man at the same time, as it fell in his way, he could not for his life
+but make use of it; and it was certainly for this reason, that though
+there are many stories in _Hafen Slawkenbergius's_ Decads full as
+entertaining as this I am translating, yet there is not one amongst them
+which my father read over with half the delight------it flattered two of
+his strangest hypotheses together----his NAMES and his NOSES. ----I will
+be bold to say, he might have read all the books in the _Alexandrian_
+Library, had not fate taken other care of them, and not have met with a
+book or passage in one, which hit two such nails as these upon the head
+at one stroke.]
+
+The two universities of _Strasburg_ were hard tugging at this affair of
+_Luther's_ navigation. The Protestant doctors had demonstrated, that he
+had not sailed right before the wind, as the Popish doctors had
+pretended; and as every one knew there was no sailing full in the teeth
+of it--they were going to settle, in case he had sailed, how many points
+he was off; whether _Martin_ had doubled the cape, or had fallen upon a
+lee-shore; and no doubt, as it was an enquiry of much edification, at
+least to those who understood this sort of NAVIGATION, they had gone on
+with it in spite of the size of the stranger's nose, had not the size of
+the stranger's nose drawn off the attention of the world from what they
+were about----it was their business to follow.
+
+The abbess of _Quedlingberg_ and her four dignitaries was no stop; for
+the enormity of the stranger's nose running full as much in their
+fancies as their case of conscience----the affair of their placket-holes
+kept cold--in a word, the printers were ordered to distribute their
+types----all controversies dropp'd.
+
+'Twas a square cap with a silver tassel upon the crown of it--to a
+nut-shell--to have guessed on which side of the nose the two
+universities would split.
+
+'Tis above reason, cried the doctors on one side.
+
+'Tis below reason, cried the others.
+
+'Tis faith, cried one.
+
+'Tis a fiddle-stick, said the other.
+
+'Tis possible, cried the one.
+
+'Tis impossible, said the other.
+
+God's power is infinite, cried the Nosarians, he can do anything.
+
+He can do nothing, replied the Antinosarians, which implies
+contradictions.
+
+He can make matter think, said the Nosarians.
+
+As certainly as you can make a velvet cap out of a sow's ear, replied
+the Antinosarians.
+
+He cannot make two and two five, replied the Popish doctors. ----'Tis
+false, said their other opponents.----
+
+Infinite power is infinite power, said the doctors who maintained the
+_reality_ of the nose. --It extends only to all possible things, replied
+the _Lutherans_.
+
+By God in heaven, cried the Popish doctors, he can make a nose, if he
+thinks fit, as big as the steeple of _Strasburg_.
+
+Now the steeple of _Strasburg_ being the biggest and the tallest
+church-steeple to be seen in the whole world, the Antinosarians denied
+that a nose of 575 geometrical feet in length could be worn, at least by
+a middle-siz'd man ----The Popish doctors swore it could --The _Lutheran_
+doctors said No; --it could not.
+
+This at once started a new dispute, which they pursued a great way, upon
+the extent and limitation of the moral and natural attributes of
+God --That controversy led them naturally into _Thomas Aquinas_, and
+_Thomas Aquinas_ to the devil.
+
+The stranger's nose was no more heard of in the dispute--it just served
+as a frigate to launch them into the gulph of school-divinity----and
+then they all sailed before the wind.
+
+Heat is in proportion to the want of true knowledge.
+
+The controversy about the attributes, &c., instead of cooling, on the
+contrary had inflamed the _Strasburgers'_ imaginations to a most
+inordinate degree ----The less they understood of the matter, the greater
+was their wonder about it--they were left in all the distresses of
+desire unsatisfied----saw their doctors, the _Parchmentarians_, the
+_Brassarians_, the _Turpentarians_, on one side--the Popish doctors on
+the other, like _Pantagruel_ and his companions in quest of the oracle
+of the bottle, all embarked out of sight.
+
+----The poor _Strasburgers_ left upon the beach!
+
+----What was to be done? --No delay--the uproar increased----every one
+in disorder----the city gates set open.----
+
+Unfortunate _Strasburgers!_ was there in the storehouse of
+nature------was there in the lumber-rooms of learning------was there in
+the great arsenal of chance, one single engine left undrawn forth to
+torture your curiosities, and stretch your desires, which was not
+pointed by the hand of Fate to play upon your hearts? ----I dip not my
+pen into my ink to excuse the surrender of yourselves--'tis to write
+your panegyrick. Shew me a city so macerated with expectation----who
+neither eat, or drank, or slept, or prayed, or hearkened to the calls
+either of religion or nature for seven-and-twenty days together, who
+could have held out one day longer.
+
+On the twenty-eighth the courteous stranger had promised to return to
+_Strasburg_.
+
+Seven thousand coaches (_Slawkenbergius_ must certainly have made some
+mistake in his numerical characters) 7000 coaches----15,000 single-horse
+chairs--20,000 waggons, crowded as full as they could all hold with
+senators, counsellors, syndicks--beguines, widows, wives, virgins,
+canons, concubines, all in their coaches --The abbess of _Quedlingberg_,
+with the prioress, the deaness and sub-chantress, leading the procession
+in one coach, and the dean of _Strasburg_, with the four great
+dignitaries of his chapter, on her left-hand--the rest following
+higglety-pigglety as they could; some on horseback----some on
+foot----some led----some driven----some down the _Rhine_----some this
+way----some that----all set out at sun-rise to meet the courteous
+stranger on the road.
+
+Haste we now towards the catastrophe of my tale ------I say _Catastrophe_
+(cries _Slawkenbergius_) inasmuch as a tale, with parts rightly
+disposed, not only rejoiceth (_gaudet_) in the _Catastrophe_ and
+_Peripetia_ of a DRAMA, but rejoiceth moreover in all the essential and
+integrant parts of it----it has its _Protasis_, _Epitasis_,
+_Catastasis_, its _Catastrophe_ or _Peripetia_ growing one out of the
+other in it, in the order _Aristotle_ first planted them----without
+which a tale had better never be told at all, says _Slawkenbergius_, but
+be kept to a man's self.
+
+In all my ten tales, in all my ten decads, have I _Slawkenbergius_ tied
+down every tale of them as tightly to this rule, as I have done this of
+the stranger and his nose.
+
+----From his first parley with the sentinel, to his leaving the city of
+_Strasburg_, after pulling off his crimson-sattin pair of breeches, is
+the _Protasis_ or first entrance----where the characters of the _Personć
+Dramatis_ are just touched in, and the subject slightly begun.
+
+The _Epitasis_, wherein the action is more fully entered upon and
+heightened, till it arrives at its state or height called the
+_Catastasis_, and which usually takes up the 2d and 3d act, is included
+within that busy period of my tale, betwixt the first night's uproar
+about the nose, to the conclusion of the trumpeter's wife's lectures
+upon it in the middle of the grand parade: and from the first embarking
+of the learned in the dispute--to the doctors finally sailing away, and
+leaving the _Strasburgers_ upon the beach in distress, is the
+_Catastasis_ or the ripening of the incidents and passions for their
+bursting forth in the fifth act.
+
+This commences with the setting out of the _Strasburgers_ in the
+_Frankfort_ road, and terminates in unwinding the labyrinth and bringing
+the hero out of a state of agitation (as _Aristotle_ calls it) to a
+state of rest and quietness.
+
+This, says _Hafen Slawkenbergius_, constitutes the _Catastrophe_ or
+_Peripetia_ of my tale--and that is the part of it I am going to relate.
+
+We left the stranger behind the curtain asleep----he enters now upon the
+stage.
+
+--What dost thou prick up thy ears at? --'tis nothing but a man upon a
+horse----was the last word the stranger uttered to his mule. It was not
+proper then to tell the reader, that the mule took his master's word for
+it; and without any more _ifs_ or _ands_, let the traveller and his
+horse pass by.
+
+The traveller was hastening with all diligence to get to _Strasburg_
+that night. What a fool am I, said the traveller to himself, when he had
+rode about a league farther, to think of getting into _Strasburg_ this
+night. --_Strasburg!_----the great _Strasburg!_----_Strasburg_, the
+capital of all _Alsatia!_ _Strasburg_, an imperial city! _Strasburg_, a
+sovereign state! _Strasburg_, garrisoned with five thousand of the best
+troops in all the world! --Alas! if I was at the gates of _Strasburg_
+this moment, I could not gain admittance into it for a ducat--nay a
+ducat and half--'tis too much----better go back to the last inn I have
+passed----than lie I know not where----or give I know not what. The
+traveller, as he made these reflections in his mind, turned his horse's
+head about, and three minutes after the stranger had been conducted into
+his chamber, he arrived at the same inn.
+
+------We have bacon in the house, said the host, and bread------and till
+eleven o'clock this night had three eggs in it----but a stranger, who
+arrived an hour ago, has had them dressed into an omelet, and we have
+nothing.------
+
+Alas! said the traveller, harassed as I am, I want nothing but a bed.
+------I have one as soft as is in _Alsatia_, said the host.
+
+----The stranger, continued he, should have slept in it, for 'tis my
+best bed, but upon the score of his nose. --------He has got a
+defluxion, said the traveller. ----Not that I know, cried the host.
+----But 'tis a camp-bed, and _Jacinta_, said he, looking towards the
+maid, imagined there was not room in it to turn his nose in. ------Why
+so? cried the traveller, starting back. --It is so long a nose, replied
+the host. ----The traveller fixed his eyes upon _Jacinta_, then upon the
+ground--kneeled upon his right knee--had just got his hand laid upon his
+breast ------Trifle not with my anxiety, said he, rising up again.
+----'Tis no trifle, said _Jacinta_, 'tis the most glorious nose! ----The
+traveller fell upon his knee again--laid his hand upon his breast--then,
+said he, looking up to heaven, thou hast conducted me to the end of my
+pilgrimage. --'Tis _Diego_.
+
+The traveller was the brother of the _Julia_, so often invoked that
+night by the stranger as he rode from _Strasburg_ upon his mule; and was
+come, on her part, in quest of him. He had accompanied his sister from
+_Valadolid_ across the _Pyrenean_ mountains through _France_, and had
+many an entangled skein to wind off in pursuit of him through the many
+meanders and abrupt turnings of a lover's thorny tracks.
+
+----_Julia_ had sunk under it------and had not been able to go a step
+farther than to _Lyons_, where, with the many disquietudes of a tender
+heart, which all talk of----but few feel--she sicken'd, but had just
+strength to write a letter to _Diego_; and having conjured her brother
+never to see her face till he had found him out, and put the letter into
+his hands, _Julia_ took to her bed.
+
+_Fernandez_ (for that was her brother's name)----tho' the camp-bed was
+as soft as any one in _Alsace_, yet he could not shut his eyes in it.
+----As soon as it was day he rose, and hearing _Diego_ was risen too, he
+entered his chamber, and discharged his sister's commission.
+
+The letter was as follows:
+
+
+"Seig. DIEGO,
+
+"Whether my suspicions of your nose were justly excited or not------'tis
+not now to inquire--it is enough I have not had firmness to put them to
+farther tryal.
+
+"How could I know so little of myself, when I sent my _Duenna_ to forbid
+your coming more under my lattice? or how could I know so little of you,
+_Diego_, as to imagine you would not have staid one day in _Valadolid_
+to have given ease to my doubts? --Was I to be abandoned, _Diego_,
+because I was deceived? or was it kind to take me at my word, whether my
+suspicions were just or no, and leave me, as you did, a prey to much
+uncertainty and sorrow?
+
+"In what manner _Julia_ has resented this----my brother, when he puts
+this letter into your hands, will tell you; He will tell you in how few
+moments she repented of the rash message she had sent you----in what
+frantic haste she flew to her lattice, and how many days and nights
+together she leaned immoveably upon her elbow, looking through it
+towards the way which _Diego_ was wont to come.
+
+"He will tell you, when she heard of your departure--how her spirits
+deserted her----how her heart sicken'd----how piteously she
+mourned----how low she hung her head. O _Diego!_ how many weary steps
+has my brother's pity led me by the hand languishing to trace out yours;
+how far has desire carried me beyond strength----and how oft have I
+fainted by the way, and sunk into his arms, with only power to cry
+out --O my _Diego!_
+
+"If the gentleness of your carriage has not belied your heart, you will
+fly to me, almost as fast as you fled from me--haste as you will----you
+will arrive but to see me expire. ------'Tis a bitter draught, _Diego_,
+but oh! 'tis embitter'd still more by dying _un_--------"
+
+
+She could proceed no farther.
+
+_Slawkenbergius_ supposes the word intended was _unconvinced_, but her
+strength would not enable her to finish her letter.
+
+The heart of the courteous _Diego_ overflowed as he read the
+letter------he ordered his mule forthwith and _Fernandez's_ horse to be
+saddled; and as no vent in prose is equal to that of poetry in such
+conflicts----chance, which as often directs us to remedies as to
+_diseases_, having thrown a piece of charcoal into the window----_Diego_
+availed himself of it, and whilst the hostler was getting ready his
+mule, he eased his mind against the wall as follows.
+
+  ODE
+
+  _Harsh and untuneful are the notes of love,
+    Unless my _Julia_ strikes the key,
+  Her hand alone can touch the part,
+    Whose dulcet move-
+      ment charms the heart,
+  And governs all the man with sympathetick sway._
+
+  2d
+
+O Julia!
+
+The lines were very natural----for they were nothing at all to the
+purpose, says _Slawkenbergius_, and 'tis a pity there were no more of
+them; but whether it was that Seig. _Diego_ was slow in composing
+verses--or the hostler quick in saddling mules----is not averred;
+certain it was, that _Diego's_ mule and _Fernandez's_ horse were ready
+at the door of the inn, before _Diego_ was ready for his second stanza;
+so without staying to finish his ode, they both mounted, sallied forth,
+passed the _Rhine_, traversed _Alsace_, shaped their course towards
+_Lyons_, and before the _Strasburgers_ and the abbess of _Quedlingberg_
+had set out on their cavalcade, had _Fernandez_, _Diego_, and his
+_Julia_, crossed the _Pyrenean_ mountains, and got safe to _Valadolid_.
+
+'Tis needless to inform the geographical reader, that when _Diego_ was
+in _Spain_, it was not possible to meet the courteous stranger in the
+_Frankfort_ road; it is enough to say, that of all restless desires,
+curiosity being the strongest----the _Strasburgers_ felt the full force
+of it; and that for three days and nights they were tossed to and fro in
+the _Frankfort_ road, with the tempestuous fury of this passion, before
+they could submit to return home. ----When alas! an event was prepared
+for them, of all other, the most grievous that could befal a free
+people.
+
+As this revolution of the _Strasburgers'_ affairs is often spoken of,
+and little understood, I will, in ten words, says _Slawkenbergius_, give
+the world an explanation of it, and with it put an end to my tale.
+
+Every body knows of the grand system of Universal Monarchy, wrote by
+order of Mons. _Colbert_, and put in manuscript into the hands of
+_Lewis_ the fourteenth, in the year 1664.
+
+'Tis as well known, that one branch out of many of that system, was the
+getting possession of _Strasburg_, to favour an entrance at all times
+into _Suabia_, in order to disturb the quiet of _Germany_----and that in
+consequence of this plan, _Strasburg_ unhappily fell at length into
+their hands.
+
+It is the lot of a few to trace out the true springs of this and such
+like revolutions --The vulgar look too high for them --Statesmen look
+too low ----Truth (for once) lies in the middle.
+
+What a fatal thing is the popular pride of a free city! cries one
+historian --The _Strasburgers_ deemed it a diminution of their freedom
+to receive an imperial garrison----so fell a prey to a _French_ one.
+
+The fate, says another, of the _Strasburgers_, may be a warning to all
+free people to save their money. ------They anticipated their
+revenues----brought themselves under taxes, exhausted their strength,
+and in the end became so weak a people, they had not strength to keep
+their gates shut, and so the _French_ pushed them open.
+
+Alas! alas! cries _Slawkenbergius_, 'twas not the _French_, ----'twas
+CURIOSITY pushed them open ------The _French_ indeed, who are ever upon
+the catch, when they saw the _Strasburgers_, men, women, and children,
+all marched out to follow the stranger's nose----each man followed his
+own, and marched in.
+
+Trade and manufactures have decayed and gradually grown down ever
+since--but not from any cause which commercial heads have assigned; for
+it is owing to this only, that Noses have ever so run in their heads,
+that the _Strasburgers_ could not follow their business.
+
+Alas! alas! cries _Slawkenbergius_, making an exclamation--it is not the
+first----and I fear will not be the last fortress that has been either
+won----or lost by NOSES.
+
+  The End Of
+
+  _Slawkenbergius's_ TALE
+
+
+    [Footnote 4.1: As _Hafen Slawkenbergius de Nasis_ is extremely
+    scarce, it may not be unacceptable to the learned reader to see
+    the specimen of a few pages of his original; I will make no
+    reflection upon it, but that his story-telling Latin is much
+    more concise than his philosophic--and, I think, has more of
+    Latinity in it.]
+
+    [Footnote 4.2: _Hafen Slawkenbergius_ means the Benedictine nuns
+    of _Cluny_, founded in the year 940, by _Odo_, abbé de _Cluny_.]
+
+    [Footnote 4.3: Mr. _Shandy's_ compliments to orators----is very
+    sensible that _Slawkenbergius_ has here changed his
+    metaphor------which he is very guilty of: ----that as a
+    translator, Mr. _Shandy_ has all along done what he could to
+    make him stick to it--but that here 'twas impossible.]
+
+    [Footnote 4.4: Nonnulli ex nostratibus eadem loquendi formulâ
+    utun. Quinimo & Logistć & Canonistć ----Vid. Parce Barne Jas in
+    d. L. Provincial. Constitut. de conjec. vid. Vol. Lib. 4. Titul.
+    1. n. 7. quâ etiam in re conspir. Om de Promontorio Nas.
+    Tichmak. ff. d. tit. 3. fol. 189. passim. Vid. Glos. de
+    contrahend. empt, &c. necnon J. Scrudr, in cap. § refut. per
+    totum. Cum his cons. Rever. J. Tubal, Sentent. & Prov. cap. 9.
+    ff. 11, 12. obiter. V. & Librum, cui Tit. de Terris & Phras.
+    Belg. ad finem, cum comment, N. Bardy Belg. Vid. Scrip.
+    Argentotarens. de Antiq. Ecc. in Episc. Archiv. fid coll. per
+    Von Jacobum Koinshoven Folio Argent. 1583. prćcip. ad finem.
+    Quibus add. Rebuff in L. obvenire de Signif. Nom. ff. fol. & de
+    jure Gent. & Civil. de protib. aliena feud. per federa, test.
+    Joha. Luxius in prolegom, quem velim videas, de Analy. Cap. 1,
+    2, 3. Vid. Idea.]
+
+    [Footnote 4.5: Hćc mira, satisque horrenda. Planetarum coitio
+    sub Scorpio Asterismo in nona coeli statione, quam Arabes
+    religioni deputabant efficit _Martinum Lutherum_ sacrilegum
+    hereticum, Christianć religionis hostem acerrimum atque
+    prophanum, ex horoscopi directione ad Martis coitum,
+    religiosissimus obiit, ejus Anima scelestissima ad infernos
+    navigavit--ab Alecto, Tisiphone & Megara flagellis igneis
+    cruciata perenniter.
+
+    ----Lucas Gaurieus in Tractatu astrologico de prćteritis
+    multorum hominum accidentibus per genituras examinatis.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+With all this learning upon Noses running perpetually in my father's
+fancy----with so many family prejudices--and ten decads of such tales
+running on for ever along with them----how was it possible with such
+exquisite----was it a true nose? ----That a man with such exquisite
+feelings as my father had, could bear the shock at all below
+stairs----or indeed above stairs, in any other posture, but the very
+posture I have described?
+
+----Throw yourself down upon the bed, a dozen times----taking care only
+to place a looking-glass first in a chair on one side of it, before you
+do it --But was the stranger's nose a true nose, or was it a false one?
+
+To tell that before-hand, madam, would be to do injury to one of the
+best tales in the Christian-world; and that is the tenth of the tenth
+decad, which immediately follows this.
+
+This tale, cried _Slawkenbergius_, somewhat exultingly, has been
+reserved by me for the concluding tale of my whole work; knowing right
+well, that when I shall have told it, and my reader shall have read it
+thro'--'twould be even high time for both of us to shut up the book;
+inasmuch, continues _Slawkenbergius_, as I know of no tale which could
+possibly ever go down after it.
+
+  'Tis a tale indeed!
+
+This sets out with the first interview in the inn at _Lyons_, when
+_Fernandez_ left the courteous stranger and his sister _Julia_ alone in
+her chamber, and is over-written
+
+  _THE INTRICACIES_
+  of
+  _Diego_ and _Julia_
+
+Heavens! thou art a strange creature, _Slawkenbergius!_ what a whimsical
+view of the involutions of the heart of woman hast thou opened! how this
+can ever be translated, and yet if this specimen of _Slawkenbergius's_
+tales, and the exquisitiveness of his moral, should please the
+world--translated shall a couple of volumes be. ------Else, how this can
+ever be translated into good _English_, I have no sort of conception.
+--There seems in some passages to want a sixth sense to do it rightly.
+----What can he mean by the lambent pupilability of slow, low, dry chat,
+five notes below the natural tone----which you know, madam, is little
+more than a whisper? The moment I pronounced the words, I could perceive
+an attempt towards a vibration in the strings, about the region of the
+heart. ------The brain made no acknowledgment. ----There's often no good
+understanding betwixt 'em --I felt as if I understood it. ----I had no
+ideas. ----The movement could not be without cause. --I'm lost. I can
+make nothing of it--unless, may it please your worships, the voice, in
+that case being little more than a whisper, unavoidably forces the eyes
+to approach not only within six inches of each other--but to look into
+the pupils--is not that dangerous? ----But it can't be avoided--for to
+look up to the ceiling, in that case the two chins unavoidably
+meet----and to look down into each other's lap, the foreheads come to
+immediate contact, which at once puts an end to the conference ----I mean
+to the sentimental part of it. ----What is left, madam, is not worth
+stooping for.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+My father lay stretched across the bed as still as if the hand of death
+had pushed him down, for a full hour and a half before he began to play
+upon the floor with the toe of that foot which hung over the bed-side;
+my uncle _Toby's_ heart was a pound lighter for it. ------In a few
+moments, his left-hand, the knuckles of which had all the time reclined
+upon the handle of the chamber-pot, came to its feeling--he thrust it a
+little more within the valance--drew up his hand, when he had done, into
+his bosom--gave a hem! My good uncle _Toby_, with infinite pleasure,
+answered it; and full gladly would have ingrafted a sentence of
+consolation upon the opening it afforded: but having no talents, as I
+said, that way, and fearing moreover that he might set out with
+something which might make a bad matter worse, he contented himself with
+resting his chin placidly upon the cross of his crutch.
+
+Now whether the compression shortened my uncle _Toby's_ face into a more
+pleasurable oval--or that the philanthropy of his heart, in seeing his
+brother beginning to emerge out of the sea of his afflictions, had
+braced up his muscles----so that the compression upon his chin only
+doubled the benignity which was there before, is not hard to decide.
+----My father, in turning his eyes, was struck with such a gleam of
+sunshine in his face, as melted down the sullenness of his grief in a
+moment.
+
+He broke silence as follows.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+Did ever man, brother _Toby_, cried my father, raising himself upon his
+elbow, and turning himself round to the opposite side of the bed, where
+my uncle _Toby_ was sitting in his old fringed chair, with his chin
+resting upon his crutch----did ever a poor unfortunate man, brother
+_Toby_, cried my father, receive so many lashes? ----The most I ever saw
+given, quoth my uncle _Toby_ (ringing the bell at the bed's head for
+_Trim_) was to a grenadier, I think in _Mackay's_ regiment.
+
+------Had my uncle _Toby_ shot a bullet through my father's heart, he
+could not have fallen down with his nose upon the quilt more suddenly.
+
+Bless me! said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+Was it _Mackay's_ regiment, quoth my uncle _Toby_, where the poor
+grenadier was so unmercifully whipp'd at _Bruges_ about the ducats? --O
+Christ! he was innocent! cried _Trim_, with a deep sigh. --And he was
+whipp'd, may it please your honour, almost to death's door. --They had
+better have shot him outright, as he begg'd, and he had gone directly to
+heaven, for he was as innocent as your honour. ------I thank thee,
+_Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_. ----I never think of his, continued
+_Trim_, and my poor brother _Tom's_ misfortunes, for we were all three
+school-fellows, but I cry like a coward. ----Tears are no proof of
+cowardice, _Trim_. --I drop them oft-times myself, cried my uncle
+_Toby_. ----I know your honour does, replied _Trim_, and so am not
+ashamed of it myself. --But to think, may it please your honour,
+continued _Trim_, a tear stealing into the corner of his eye as he
+spoke--to think of two virtuous lads with hearts as warm in their
+bodies, and as honest as God could make them--the children of honest
+people, going forth with gallant spirits to seek their fortunes in the
+world--and fall into such evils! --poor _Tom!_ to be tortured upon a
+rack for nothing--but marrying a Jew's widow who sold sausages--honest
+_Dick Johnson's_ soul to be scourged out of his body, for the ducats
+another man put into his knapsack! --O! --these are misfortunes, cried
+_Trim_, --pulling out his handkerchief--these are misfortunes, may it
+please your honour, worth lying down and crying over.
+
+--My father could not help blushing.
+
+'Twould be a pity, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, thou shouldst ever
+feel sorrow of thy own--thou feelest it so tenderly for others.
+--Alack-o-day, replied the corporal, brightening up his face------your
+honour knows I have neither wife or child ----I can have no sorrows in
+this world. ----My father could not help smiling. --As few as any man,
+_Trim_, replied my uncle _Toby_; nor can I see how a fellow of thy light
+heart can suffer, but from the distress of poverty in thy old age--when
+thou art passed all services, _Trim_--and hast outlived thy friends.
+----An' please your honour, never fear, replied _Trim_, chearily.
+----But I would have thee never fear, _Trim_, replied my uncle _Toby_,
+and therefore, continued my uncle _Toby_, throwing down his crutch, and
+getting up upon his legs as he uttered the word _therefore_--in
+recompence, _Trim_, of thy long fidelity to me, and that goodness of thy
+heart I have had such proofs of--whilst thy master is worth a
+shilling----thou shalt never ask elsewhere, _Trim_, for a penny. _Trim_
+attempted to thank my uncle _Toby_--but had not power----tears trickled
+down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them off --He laid his hands
+upon his breast----made a bow to the ground, and shut the door.
+
+----I have left _Trim_ my bowling-green, cried my uncle _Toby_. ----My
+father smiled. ------I have left him moreover a pension, continued my
+uncle _Toby_. ----My father looked grave.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+Is this a fit time, said my father to himself, to talk of PENSIONS and
+GRENADIERS?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+When my uncle _Toby_ first mentioned the grenadier, my father, I said,
+fell down with his nose flat to the quilt, and as suddenly as if my
+uncle _Toby_ had shot him; but it was not added that every other limb
+and member of my father instantly relapsed with his nose into the same
+precise attitude in which he lay first described; so that when corporal
+_Trim_ left the room, and my father found himself disposed to rise off
+the bed--he had all the little preparatory movements to run over again,
+before he could do it. Attitudes are nothing, madam----'tis the
+transition from one attitude to another----like the preparation and
+resolution of the discord into harmony, which is all in all.
+
+For which reason my father played the same jig over again with his toe
+upon the floor----pushed the chamber-pot still a little farther within
+the valance--gave a hem--raised himself up upon his elbow--and was just
+beginning to address himself to my uncle _Toby_--when recollecting the
+unsuccessfulness of his first effort in that attitude----he got upon his
+legs, and in making the third turn across the room, he stopped short
+before my uncle _Toby_: and laying the three first fingers of his
+right-hand in the palm of his left, and stooping a little, he addressed
+himself to my uncle _Toby_ as follows:
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+When I reflect, brother _Toby_, upon MAN; and take a view of that dark
+side of him which represents his life as open to so many causes of
+trouble--when I consider, brother _Toby_, how oft we eat the bread of
+affliction, and that we are born to it, as to the portion of our
+inheritance ------I was born to nothing, quoth my uncle _Toby_,
+interrupting my father--but my commission. Zooks! said my father, did
+not my uncle leave you a hundred and twenty pounds a year? ------What
+could I have done without it? replied my uncle _Toby_ ------That's
+another concern, said my father testily --But I say, _Toby_, when one
+runs over the catalogue of all the cross-reckonings and sorrowful
+_Items_ with which the heart of man is overcharged, 'tis wonderful by
+what hidden resources the mind is enabled to stand out, and bear itself
+up, as it does, against the impositions laid upon our nature. ------'Tis
+by the assistance of Almighty God, cried my uncle _Toby_, looking up,
+and pressing the palms of his hands close together----'tis not from our
+own strength, brother _Shandy_----a centinel in a wooden centry-box
+might as well pretend to stand it out against a detachment of fifty men.
+----We are upheld by the grace and the assistance of the best of Beings.
+
+----That is cutting the knot, said my father, instead of untying it.
+----But give me leave to lead you, brother _Toby_, a little deeper into
+the mystery.
+
+With all my heart, replied my uncle _Toby_.
+
+My father instantly exchanged the attitude he was in, for that in which
+_Socrates_ is so finely painted by _Raffael_ in his school of _Athens_;
+which your connoisseurship knows is so exquisitely imagined, that even
+the particular manner of the reasoning of _Socrates_ is expressed by
+it--for he holds the forefinger of his left hand between the forefinger
+and the thumb of his right, and seems as if he was saying to the
+libertine he is reclaiming------ "_You grant me_ this----and this: and
+this, and this, I don't ask of you--they follow of themselves in
+course."
+
+So stood my father, holding fast his forefinger betwixt his finger and
+his thumb, and reasoning with my uncle _Toby_ as he sat in his old
+fringed chair, valanced around with party-coloured worsted bobs ----O
+_Garrick!_--what a rich scene of this would thy exquisite powers make!
+and how gladly would I write such another to avail myself of thy
+immortality, and secure my own behind it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+Though man is of all others the most curious vehicle, said my father,
+yet at the same time 'tis of so slight a frame, and so totteringly put
+together, that the sudden jerks and hard jostlings it unavoidably meets
+with in this rugged journey, would overset and tear it to pieces a dozen
+times a day----was it not, brother _Toby_, that there is a secret spring
+within us. --Which spring, said my uncle _Toby_, I take to be Religion.
+--Will that set my child's nose on? cried my father, letting go his
+finger, and striking one hand against the other. ----It makes everything
+straight for us, answered my uncle _Toby_. ----Figuratively speaking,
+dear _Toby_, it may, for aught I know, said my father; but the spring I
+am speaking of, is that great and elastic power within us of
+counterbalancing evil, which, like a secret spring in a well-ordered
+machine, though it can't prevent the shock----at least it imposes upon
+our sense of it.
+
+Now, my dear brother, said my father, replacing his forefinger, as he
+was coming closer to the point----had my child arrived safe into the
+world, unmartyr'd in that precious part of him--fanciful and extravagant
+as I may appear to the world in my opinion of christian names, and of
+that magic bias which good or bad names irresistibly impress upon our
+characters and conducts --Heaven is witness! that in the warmest
+transports of my wishes for the prosperity of my child, I never once
+wished to crown his head with more glory and honour than what GEORGE or
+EDWARD would have spread around it.
+
+But alas! continued my father, as the greatest evil has befallen
+him ----I must counteract and undo it with the greatest good.
+
+He shall be christened _Trismegistus_, brother.
+
+I wish it may answer----replied my uncle _Toby_, rising up.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+What a chapter of chances, said my father, turning himself about upon
+the first landing, as he and my uncle _Toby_ were going downstairs--what
+a long chapter of chances do the events of this world lay open to us!
+Take pen and ink in hand, brother _Toby_, and calculate it fairly ----I
+know no more of calculation than this balluster, said my uncle _Toby_
+(striking short of it with his crutch, and hitting my father a desperate
+blow souse upon his shin-bone)----'Twas a hundred to one--cried my uncle
+_Toby_ --I thought, quoth my father (rubbing his shin), you had known
+nothing of calculations, brother _Toby_. 'Tis a mere chance, said my
+uncle _Toby_. ------Then it adds one to the chapter----replied my
+father.
+
+The double success of my father's repartees tickled off the pain of his
+shin at once--it was well it so fell out--(chance! again)--or the world
+to this day had never known the subject of my father's calculation----to
+guess it--there was no chance ----What a lucky chapter of chances has
+this turned out! for it has saved me the trouble of writing one express,
+and in truth I have enough already upon my hands without it. --Have not
+I promised the world a chapter of knots? two chapters upon the right and
+the wrong end of a woman? a chapter upon whiskers? a chapter upon
+wishes? ----a chapter of noses? --No, I have done that--a chapter upon
+my uncle _Toby's_ modesty? to say nothing of a chapter upon chapters,
+which I will finish before I sleep--by my great-grandfather's whiskers,
+I shall never get half of 'em through this year.
+
+Take pen and ink in hand, and calculate it fairly, brother _Toby_, said
+my father, and it will turn out a million to one, that of all the parts
+of the body, the edge of the forceps should have the ill luck just to
+fall upon and break down that one part, which should break down the
+fortunes of our house with it.
+
+It might have been worse, replied my uncle _Toby_. ----I don't
+comprehend, said my father. ------Suppose the hip had presented, replied
+my uncle _Toby_, as Dr. _Slop_ foreboded.
+
+My father reflected half a minute--looked down----touched the middle of
+his forehead slightly with his finger------
+
+--True, said he.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+Is it not a shame to make two chapters of what passed in going down one
+pair of stairs? for we are got no farther yet than to the first landing,
+and there are fifteen more steps down to the bottom; and for aught I
+know, as my father and my uncle _Toby_ are in a talking humour, there
+may be as many chapters as steps: ----let that be as it will, Sir, I can
+no more help it than my destiny: --A sudden impulse comes across
+me----drop the curtain, _Shandy_ ----I drop it --Strike a line here
+across the paper, _Tristram_ --I strike it--and hey for a new chapter.
+
+The deuce of any other rule have I to govern myself by in this
+affair--and if I had one--as I do all things out of all rule --I would
+twist it and tear it to pieces, and throw it into the fire when I had
+done --Am I warm? I am, and the cause demands it----a pretty story! is a
+man to follow rules------or rules to follow him?
+
+Now this, you must know, being my chapter upon chapters, which I
+promised to write before I went to sleep, I thought it meet to ease my
+conscience entirely before I laid down, by telling the world all I knew
+about the matter at once: Is not this ten times better than to set out
+dogmatically with a sententious parade of wisdom, and telling the world
+a story of a roasted horse----that chapters relieve the mind--that they
+assist--or impose upon the imagination--and that in a work of this
+dramatic cast they are as necessary as the shifting of scenes----with
+fifty other cold conceits, enough to extinguish the fire which roasted
+him? --O! but to understand this, which is a puff at the fire of
+_Diana's_ temple--you must read _Longinus_--read away--if you are not a
+jot the wiser by reading him the first time over--never fear--read him
+again--_Avicenna_ and _Licetus_ read _Aristotle's_ metaphysicks forty
+times through apiece, and never understood a single word. --But mark the
+consequence--_Avicenna_ turned out a desperate writer at all kinds of
+writing--for he wrote books _de omni scribili_; and for _Licetus_
+(_Fortunio_) though all the world knows he was born a foetus,[4.6] of no
+more than five inches and a half in length, yet he grew to that
+astonishing height in literature, as to write a book with a
+title as long as himself------the learned know I mean his
+_Gonopsychanthropologia_, upon the origin of the human soul.
+
+So much for my chapter upon chapters, which I hold to be the best
+chapter in my whole work; and take my word, whoever reads it, is full as
+well employed, as in picking straws.
+
+    [Footnote 4.6: _Ce Foetus_ n'étoit pas plus grand que la paume de
+    la main; mais son pere l'ayant éxaminé en qualité de Médecin, &
+    ayant trouvé que c'etoit quâlque chose de plus qu'un Embryon, le
+    fit transporter tout vivant ŕ Rapallo, ou il le fit voir ŕ
+    Jerôme Bardi & ŕ d'autres Médecins du lieu. On trouva qu'il ne
+    lui manquoit rien d'essentiel ŕ la vie; & son pere pour faire
+    voir un essai de son experience, entreprit d'achever l'ouvrage
+    de la Nature, & de travailler ŕ la formation de l'Enfant avec le
+    męme artifice que celui dont on se sert pour faire écclorre les
+    Poulets en Egypte. Il instruisit une Nourisse de tout ce qu'elle
+    avoit ŕ faire, & ayant fait mettre son fils dans un pour
+    proprement accommodé, il reussit ŕ l'élever & ŕ lui faire
+    prendre ses accroissemens necessaires, par l'uniformité d'une
+    chaleur étrangere mesurée éxactement sur les dégrés d'un
+    Thermométre, ou d'un autre instrument équivalent. (Vide Mich.
+    Giustinian, ne gli Scritt. Liguri ŕ Cart. 223. 488.)
+
+    On auroit toujours été trčs satisfait de l'industrie d'un pere
+    si experimenté dans l'Art de la Generation, quand il n'auroit pű
+    prolonger la vie ŕ son fils que pour quelques mois, ou pour peu
+    d'années.
+
+    Mais quand on se represente que l'Enfant a vecu prčs de
+    quatre-vingts ans, & qu'il a composé quatre-vingts Ouvrages
+    differents tous fruits d'une longue lecture--il faut convenir
+    que tout ce qui est incroyable n'est pas toujours faux, & que la
+    _Vraisemblance n'est pas toujours du côté de la Verité_.
+
+    Il n'avoit que dix neuf ans lorsqu'il composa
+    Gonopsychanthropologia de Origine Animć humanć.
+
+    (Les Enfans celebres, revűs & corrigés par M. de la Monnoye de
+    l'Academie Françoise.)]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+We shall bring all things to rights, said my father, setting his foot
+upon the first step from the landing. --This _Trismegistus_, continued
+my father, drawing his leg back and turning to my uncle _Toby_----was
+the greatest (_Toby_) of all earthly beings--he was the greatest
+king----the greatest law-giver----the greatest philosopher----and the
+greatest priest----and engineer--said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+------In course, said my father.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+--And how does your mistress? cried my father, taking the same step over
+again from the landing, and calling to _Susannah_, whom he saw passing
+by the foot of the stairs with a huge pincushion in her hand--how does
+your mistress? As well, said _Susannah_, tripping by, but without
+looking up, as can be expected. --What a fool am I! said my father,
+drawing his leg back again--let things be as they will, brother _Toby_,
+'tis ever the precise answer ----And how is the child, pray? ----No
+answer. And where is Dr. _Slop?_ added my father, raising his voice
+aloud, and looking over the ballusters--_Susannah_ was out of hearing.
+
+Of all the riddles of a married life, said my father, crossing the
+landing in order to set his back against the wall, whilst he propounded
+it to my uncle _Toby_----of all the puzzling riddles, said he, in a
+marriage state, ----of which you may trust me, brother _Toby_, there are
+more asses loads than all _Job's_ stock of asses could have
+carried----there is not one that has more intricacies in it than
+this--that from the very moment the mistress of the house is brought to
+bed, every female in it, from my lady's gentlewoman down to the
+cinder-wench, becomes an inch taller for it; and give themselves more
+airs upon that single inch, than all their other inches put together.
+
+I think rather, replied my uncle _Toby_, that 'tis we who sink an inch
+lower. --If I meet but a woman with child --I do it. --'Tis a heavy tax
+upon that half of our fellow-creatures, brother _Shandy_, said my uncle
+_Toby_--'Tis a piteous burden upon 'em, continued he, shaking his
+head --Yes, yes, 'tis a painful thing--said my father, shaking his head
+too----but certainly since shaking of heads came into fashion, never did
+two heads shake together, in concert, from two such different springs.
+
+  God bless  } 'em all------said my uncle _Toby_ and my
+  Deuce take } father, each to himself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+Holla! ----you, chairman! ----here's sixpence----do step into that
+bookseller's shop, and call me a _day-tall_ critick. I am very willing
+to give any one of 'em a crown to help me with his tackling, to get my
+father and my uncle _Toby_ off the stairs, and to put them to bed.
+
+--'Tis even high time; for except a short nap, which they both got
+whilst _Trim_ was boring the jack-boots--and which, by the bye, did my
+father no sort of good, upon the score of the bad hinge--they have not
+else shut their eyes, since nine hours before the time that Dr. _Slop_
+was led into the back parlour in that dirty pickle by _Obadiah_.
+
+Was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this--and to take
+up --Truce.
+
+I will not finish that sentence till I have made an observation upon the
+strange state of affairs between the reader and myself, just as things
+stand at present--an observation never applicable before to any one
+biographical writer since the creation of the world, but to myself--and
+I believe, will never hold good to any other, until its final
+destruction--and therefore, for the very novelty of it alone, it must be
+worth your worships attending to.
+
+I am this month one whole year older than I was this time twelve-month;
+and having got, as you perceive, almost into the middle of my fourth
+volume[4.7]--and no farther than to my first day's life--'tis
+demonstrative that I have three hundred and sixty-four days more life to
+write just now, than when I first set out; so that instead of advancing,
+as a common writer, in my work with what I have been doing at it--on the
+contrary, I am just thrown so many volumes back--was every day of my
+life to be as busy a day as this --And why not? ----and the transactions
+and opinions of it to take up as much description --And for what reason
+should they be cut short? as at this rate I should just live 364 times
+faster than I should write --It must follow, an' please your worships,
+that the more I write, the more I shall have to write--and consequently,
+the more your worships read, the more your worships will have to read.
+
+Will this be good for your worships' eyes?
+
+It will do well for mine; and, was it not that my OPINIONS will be the
+death of me, I perceive I shall lead a fine life of it out of this
+self-same life of mine; or, in other words, shall lead a couple of fine
+lives together.
+
+As for the proposal of twelve volumes a year, or a volume a month, it no
+way alters my prospect--write as I will, and rush as I may into the
+middle of things, as _Horace_ advises --I shall never overtake myself
+whipp'd and driven to the last pinch; at the worst I shall have one day
+the start of my pen--and one day is enough for two volumes----and two
+volumes will be enough for one year.--
+
+Heaven prosper the manufacturers of paper under this propitious reign,
+which is now opened to us----as I trust its providence will prosper
+everything else in it that is taken in hand.----
+
+As for the propagation of Geese --I give myself no concern --Nature is
+all bountiful --I shall never want tools to work with.
+
+--So then, friend! you have got my father and my uncle _Toby_ off the
+stairs, and seen them to bed? ------And how did you manage it? ----You
+dropp'd a curtain at the stair-foot --I thought you had no other way for
+it ------Here's a crown for your trouble.
+
+    [Footnote 4.7: According to the original Editions.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+--Then reach me my breeches off the chair, said my father to _Susannah_.
+----There is not a moment's time to dress you, Sir, cried
+_Susannah_--the child is as black in the face as my ----As your what?
+said my father, for like all orators, he was a dear searcher into
+comparisons. --Bless me, Sir, said _Susannah_, the child's in a fit.
+--And where's Mr. _Yorick?_ --Never where he should be, said _Susannah_,
+but his curate's in the dressing-room, with the child upon his arm,
+waiting for the name--and my mistress bid me run as fast as I could to
+know, as captain _Shandy_ is the godfather, whether it should not be
+called after him.
+
+Were one sure, said my father to himself, scratching his eyebrow, that
+the child was expiring, one might as well compliment my brother _Toby_
+as not--and it would be a pity, in such a case, to throw away so great a
+name as _Trismegistus_ upon him----but he may recover.
+
+No, no, ----said my father to _Susannah_, I'll get up ------There is no
+time, cried _Susannah_, the child's as black as my shoe. _Trismegistus_,
+said my father ------But stay--thou art a leaky vessel, _Susannah_, added
+my father; canst thou carry _Trismegistus_ in thy head, the length of
+the gallery without scattering? ------Can I? cried _Susannah_, shutting
+the door in a huff. ----If she can, I'll be shot, said my father,
+bouncing out of bed in the dark, and groping for his breeches.
+
+_Susannah_ ran with all speed along the gallery.
+
+My father made all possible speed to find his breeches.
+
+_Susannah_ got the start, and kept it--'Tis _Tris_--something, cried
+_Susannah_ --There is no christian-name in the world, said the curate,
+beginning with _Tris_--but _Tristram_. Then 'tis _Tristram-gistus_,
+quoth _Susannah_.
+
+----There is no _gistus_ to it, noodle! --'tis my own name, replied the
+curate, dipping his hand, as he spoke, into the bason--_Tristram!_ said
+he, &c. &c. &c. &c., so _Tristram_ was I called, and _Tristram_ shall I
+be to the day of my death.
+
+My father followed _Susannah_, with his night-gown across his arm, with
+nothing more than his breeches on, fastened through haste with but a
+single button, and that button through haste thrust only half into the
+button-hole.
+
+----She has not forgot the name? cried my father, half opening the door.
+----No, no, said the curate, with a tone of intelligence. ----And the
+child is better, cried _Susannah_. ----And how does your mistress? As
+well, said _Susannah_, as can be expected. --Pish! said my father, the
+button of his breeches slipping out of the button-hole --So that whether
+the interjection was levelled at _Susannah_, or the button-hole--whether
+Pish was an interjection of contempt or an interjection of modesty, is a
+doubt, and must be a doubt till I shall have time to write the three
+following favourite chapters, that is, my chapter of _chamber-maids_, my
+chapter of _pishes_, and my chapter of _button-holes_.
+
+All the light I am able to give the reader at present is this, that the
+moment my father cried Pish! he whisk'd himself about--and with his
+breeches held up by one hand, and his night-gown thrown across the arm
+of the other, he turned along the gallery to bed, something slower than
+he came.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+I wish I could write a chapter upon sleep.
+
+A fitter occasion could never have presented itself, than what this
+moment offers, when all the curtains of the family are drawn--the
+candles put out--and no creature's eyes are open but a single one, for
+the other has been shut these twenty years, of my mother's nurse.
+
+It is a fine subject!
+
+And yet, as fine as it is, I would undertake to write a dozen chapters
+upon button-holes, both quicker and with more fame, than a single
+chapter upon this.
+
+Button-holes! there is something lively in the very idea of
+'em----and trust me, when I get amongst 'em ----You gentry with great
+beards----look as grave as you will ------I'll make merry work with my
+button-holes --I shall have 'em all to myself--'tis a maiden subject
+--I shall run foul of no man's wisdom or fine sayings in it.
+
+But for sleep ----I know I shall make nothing of it before I begin
+--I am no dab at your fine sayings in the first place--and in the next,
+I cannot for my soul set a grave face upon a bad matter, and tell the
+world--'tis the refuge of the unfortunate--the enfranchisement of
+the prisoner--the downy lap of the hopeless, the weary, and the
+broken-hearted; nor could I set out with a lye in my mouth, by
+affirming, that of all the soft and delicious functions of our nature,
+by which the great Author of it, in his bounty, has been pleased to
+recompense the sufferings wherewith his justice and his good pleasure
+has wearied us----that this is the chiefest (I know pleasures worth ten
+of it); or what a happiness it is to man, when the anxieties and
+passions of the day are over, and he lies down upon his back, that his
+soul shall be so seated within him, that whichever way she turns her
+eyes, the heavens shall look calm and sweet above her--no desire--or
+fear--or doubt that troubles the air, nor any difficulty past, present,
+or to come, that the imagination may not pass over without offence, in
+that sweet secession.
+
+"God's blessing," said _Sancho Pança_, "be upon the man who first
+invented this self-same thing called sleep--it covers a man all over
+like a cloak." Now there is more to me in this, and it speaks warmer to
+my heart and affections, than all the dissertations squeez'd out of the
+heads of the learned together upon the subject.
+
+--Not that I altogether disapprove of what _Montaigne_ advances upon
+it--'tis admirable in its way--(I quote by memory).
+
+The world enjoys other pleasures, says he, as they do that of sleep,
+without tasting or feeling it as it slips and passes by. --We should
+study and ruminate upon it, in order to render proper thanks to him who
+grants it to us. --For this end I cause myself to be disturbed in my
+sleep, that I may the better and more sensibly relish it. ----And yet I
+see few, says he again, who live with less sleep, when need requires; my
+body is capable of a firm, but not of a violent and sudden agitation --I
+evade of late all violent exercises ----I am never weary with
+walking----but from my youth, I never liked to ride upon pavements.
+I love to lie hard and alone, and even without my wife ----This last word
+may stagger the faith of the world----but remember, "La Vraisemblance
+(as _Bayle_ says in the affair of _Liceti_) n'est pas toujours du Côté
+de la Verité." And so much for sleep.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+If my wife will but venture him--brother _Toby_, _Trismegistus_ shall be
+dress'd and brought down to us, whilst you and I are getting our
+breakfasts together.------
+
+----Go, tell _Susannah_, _Obadiah_, to step here.
+
+She is run upstairs, answered _Obadiah_, this very instant, sobbing and
+crying, and wringing her hands as if her heart would break.
+
+We shall have a rare month of it, said my father, turning his head from
+_Obadiah_, and looking wistfully in my uncle _Toby's_ face for some
+time--we shall have a devilish month of it, brother _Toby_, said my
+father, setting his arms a-kimbo, and shaking his head; fire, water,
+women, wind--brother _Toby!_--'Tis some misfortune, quoth my uncle
+_Toby_. ----That it is, cried my father--to have so many jarring
+elements breaking loose, and riding triumph in every corner of a
+gentleman's house --Little boots it to the peace of a family, brother
+_Toby_, that you and I possess ourselves, and sit here silent and
+unmoved----whilst such a storm is whistling over our heads.------
+
+And what's the matter, _Susannah?_ They have called the child
+_Tristram_----and my mistress is just got out of an hysterick fit about
+it ----No----'tis not my fault, said _Susannah_ --I told him it was
+_Tristram-gistus_.
+
+----Make tea for yourself, brother _Toby_, said my father, taking down
+his hat----but how different from the sallies and agitations of voice
+and members which a common reader would imagine!
+
+--For he spake in the sweetest modulation--and took down his hat with
+the genteelest movement of limbs, that ever affliction harmonized and
+attuned together.
+
+----Go to the bowling-green for corporal _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_,
+speaking to _Obadiah_, as soon as my father left the room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+When the misfortune of my NOSE fell so heavily upon my father's head;
+--the reader remembers that he walked instantly up stairs, and cast
+himself down upon his bed; and from hence, unless he has a great insight
+into human nature, he will be apt to expect a rotation of the same
+ascending and descending movements from him, upon his misfortune of my
+NAME; ----no.
+
+The different weight, dear Sir----nay even the different package of two
+vexations of the same weight----makes a very wide difference in our
+manner of bearing and getting through with them. ----It is not half an
+hour ago, when (in the great hurry and precipitation of a poor devil's
+writing for daily bread) I threw a fair sheet, which I had just
+finished, and carefully wrote out, slap into the fire, instead of the
+foul one.
+
+Instantly I snatch'd off my wig, and threw it perpendicularly, with all
+imaginable violence, up to the top of the room--indeed I caught it as it
+fell----but there was an end of the matter; nor do I think anything else
+in _Nature_ would have given such immediate ease: She, dear Goddess, by
+an instantaneous impulse, in all _provoking cases_, determines us to a
+sally of this or that member--or else she thrusts us into this or that
+place or posture of body, we know not why ----But mark, madam, we live
+amongst riddles and mysteries----the most obvious things, which come in
+our way, have dark sides, which the quickest sight cannot penetrate
+into; and even the clearest and most exalted understandings amongst us
+find ourselves puzzled and at a loss in almost every cranny of nature's
+works: so that this, like a thousand other things, falls out for us in a
+way, which tho' we cannot reason upon it--yet we find the good of it,
+may it please your reverences and your worships----and that's enough for
+us.
+
+Now, my father could not lie down with this affliction for his
+life----nor could he carry it up stairs like the other--he walked
+composedly out with it to the fish-pond.
+
+Had my father leaned his head upon his hand, and reasoned an hour which
+way to have gone------reason, with all her force, could not have
+directed him to anything like it: there is something, Sir, in
+fish-ponds----but what it is, I leave to system-builders and
+fish-pond-diggers betwixt 'em to find out--but there is something, under
+the first disorderly transport of the humours, so unaccountably
+becalming in an orderly and a sober walk towards one of them, that I
+have often wondered that neither _Pythagoras_, nor _Plato_, nor _Solon_,
+nor _Lycurgus_, nor _Mahomet_, nor any one of your noted lawgivers, ever
+gave order about them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+Your honour, said _Trim_, shutting the parlour-door before he began to
+speak, has heard, I imagine, of this unlucky accident ----O yes, _Trim_,
+said my uncle _Toby_, and it gives me great concern. --I am heartily
+concerned too, but I hope your honour, replied _Trim_, will do me the
+justice to believe, that it was not in the least owing to me. ----To
+thee--_Trim?_ --cried my uncle _Toby_, looking kindly in his
+face------'twas _Susannah's_ and the curate's folly betwixt them.
+------What business could they have together, an' please your honour, in
+the garden? ----In the gallery thou meanest, replied my uncle _Toby_.
+
+_Trim_ found he was upon a wrong scent, and stopped short with a low
+bow ----Two misfortunes, quoth the corporal to himself, are twice as many
+at least as are needful to be talked over at one time; ----the mischief
+the cow has done in breaking into the fortifications, may be told his
+honour hereafter. ----_Trim's_ casuistry and address, under the cover of
+his low bow, prevented all suspicion in my uncle _Toby_, so he went on
+with what he had to say to _Trim_ as follows:
+
+------For my own part, _Trim_, though I can see little or no difference
+betwixt my nephew's being called _Tristram_ or _Trismegistus_--yet as
+the thing sits so near my brother's heart, _Trim_ ------I would freely
+have given a hundred pounds rather than it should have happened. ----A
+hundred pounds, an' please your honour! replied _Trim_, ----I would not
+give a cherry-stone to boot. ----Nor would I, _Trim_, upon my own
+account, quoth my uncle _Toby_, --------but my brother, whom there is no
+arguing with in this case--maintains that a great deal more depends,
+_Trim_, upon christian-names, than what ignorant people imagine----for
+he says there never was a great or heroic action performed since the
+world began by one called _Tristram_--nay, he will have it, _Trim_, that
+a man can neither be learned, or wise, or brave. ----'Tis all fancy, an'
+please your honour --I fought just as well, replied the corporal, when
+the regiment called me _Trim_, as when they called me _James Butler_.
+----And for my own part, said my uncle _Toby_, though I should blush to
+boast of myself, _Trim_----yet had my name been _Alexander_, I could
+have done no more at _Namur_ than my duty. --Bless your honour! cried
+_Trim_, advancing three steps as he spoke, does a man think of his
+christian-name when he goes upon the attack? ------Or when he stands in
+the trench, _Trim?_ cried my uncle _Toby_, looking firm. ----Or when he
+enters a breach? said _Trim_, pushing in between two chairs. ----Or
+forces the lines? cried my uncle, rising up, and pushing his crutch like
+a pike. ----Or facing a platoon? cried _Trim_, presenting his stick like
+a fire-lock. ----Or when he marches up the glacis? cried my uncle
+_Toby_, looking warm and setting his foot upon his stool.------
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+My father was returned from his walk to the fish-pond----and opened the
+parlour-door in the very height of the attack, just as my uncle _Toby_
+was marching up the glacis----_Trim_ recovered his arms----never was my
+uncle _Toby_ caught in riding at such a desperate rate in his life!
+Alas! my uncle _Toby!_ had not a weightier matter called forth all the
+ready eloquence of my father--how hadst thou then and thy poor
+HOBBY-HORSE too been insulted!
+
+My father hung up his hat with the same air he took it down; and after
+giving a slight look at the disorder of the room, he took hold of one of
+the chairs which had formed the corporal's breach, and placing it
+over-against my uncle _Toby_, he sat down in it, and as soon as the
+tea-things were taken away, and the door shut, he broke out in a
+lamentation as follows.
+
+
+MY FATHER'S LAMENTATION
+
+It is in vain longer, said my father, addressing himself as much to
+_Ernulphus's_ curse, which was laid upon the corner of the
+chimney-piece----as to my uncle _Toby_ who sat under it----it is in vain
+longer, said my father, in the most querulous monotony imaginable, to
+struggle as I have done against this most uncomfortable of human
+persuasions ----I see it plainly, that either for my own sins, brother
+_Toby_, or the sins and follies of the _Shandy_ family, Heaven has
+thought fit to draw forth the heaviest of its artillery against me; and
+that the prosperity of my child is the point upon which the whole force
+of it is directed to play. ------Such a thing would batter the whole
+universe about our ears, brother _Shandy_, said my uncle _Toby_--if it
+was so --Unhappy _Tristram_: child of wrath! child of decrepitude!
+interruption! mistake! and discontent! What one misfortune or disaster
+in the book of embryotic evils, that could unmechanize thy frame, or
+entangle thy filaments! which has not fallen upon thy head, or ever thou
+camest into the world----what evils in thy passage into it! ------what
+evils since! ----produced into being, in the decline of thy father's
+days----when the powers of his imagination and of his body were waxing
+feeble----when radical heat and radical moisture, the elements which
+should have temper'd thine, were drying up; and nothing left to found
+thy stamina in, but negations--'tis pitiful------brother _Toby_, at the
+best, and called out for all the little helps that care and attention on
+both sides could give it. But how were we defeated! You know the event,
+brother _Toby_----'tis too melancholy a one to be repeated now----when
+the few animal spirits I was worth in the world, and with which memory,
+fancy, and quick parts should have been convey'd------were all
+dispersed, confused, confounded, scattered, and sent to the
+devil.
+------
+
+Here then was the time to have put a stop to this persecution against
+him; ------and tried an experiment at least------whether calmness and
+serenity of mind in your sister, with a due attention, brother _Toby_,
+to her evacuations and repletions------and the rest of her non-naturals,
+might not, in a course of nine months gestation, have set all things to
+rights. ------My child was bereft of these! ------What a teazing life
+did she lead herself, and consequently her foetus too, with that
+nonsensical anxiety of hers about lying-in in town? I thought my sister
+submitted with the greatest patience, replied my uncle _Toby_ --------I
+never heard her utter one fretful word about it. ------She fumed
+inwardly, cried my father; and that, let me tell you, brother, was ten
+times worse for the child--and then! what battles did she fight with me,
+and what perpetual storms about the midwife. ------There she gave vent,
+said my uncle _Toby_. ------Vent! cried my father, looking up.
+
+But what was all this, my dear _Toby_, to the injuries done us by my
+child's coming head foremost into the world, when all I wished, in this
+general wreck of his frame, was to have saved this little casket
+unbroke, unrifled.------
+
+With all my precautions, how was my system turned topside-turvy in the
+womb with my child! his head exposed to the hand of violence, and a
+pressure of 470 pounds avoirdupois weight acting so perpendicularly upon
+its apex--that at this hour 'tis ninety _per Cent._ insurance, that the
+fine net-work of the intellectual web be not rent and torn to a thousand
+tatters.
+
+----Still we could have done. ----Fool, coxcomb, puppy----give him but a
+NOSE ----Cripple, Dwarf, Driveller, Goosecap------(shape him as you will)
+the door of fortune stands open--_O Licetus!_ _Licetus!_ had I been
+blest with a foetus five inches long and a half, like thee --Fate might
+have done her worst.
+
+Still, brother _Toby_, there was one cast of the dye left for our child
+after all--_O Tristram!_ _Tristram! Tristram!_
+
+We will send for Mr. _Yorick_, said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+----You may send for whom you will, replied my father.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+What a rate have I gone on at, curvetting and frisking it away, two up
+and two down for four volumes[4.8] together, without looking once
+behind, or even on one side of me, to see whom I trod upon! --I'll tread
+upon no one----quoth I to myself when I mounted ------I'll take a good
+rattling gallop; but I'll not hurt the poorest jackass upon the road.
+----So off I set----up one lane------down another, through this
+turnpike----over that, as if the arch-jockey of jockeys had got behind
+me.
+
+Now ride at this rate with what good intention and resolution you
+may----'tis a million to one you'll do some one a mischief, if not
+yourself ------He's flung--he's off--he's lost his hat--he's
+down------he'll break his neck----see! ----if he has not galloped full
+among the scaffolding of the undertaking criticks! ----he'll knock his
+brains out against some of their posts--he's bounced out! --look--he's
+now riding like a mad-cap full tilt through a whole crowd of painters,
+fiddlers, poets, biographers, physicians, lawyers, logicians, players,
+schoolmen, churchmen, statesmen, soldiers, casuists, connoisseurs,
+prelates, popes, and engineers. --Don't fear, said I --I'll not hurt the
+poorest jack-ass upon the king's highway. --But your horse throws dirt;
+see you've splash'd a bishop. ----I hope in God, 'twas only _Ernulphus_,
+said I. ------But you have squirted full in the faces of Mess. _Le
+Moyne_, _De Romigny_, and _De Marcilly_, doctors of the _Sorbonne_.
+------That was last year, replied I. --But you have trod this moment
+upon a king. ----Kings have bad times on't, said I, to be trod upon by
+such people as me.
+
+You have done it, replied my accuser.
+
+I deny it, quoth I, and so have got off, and here am I standing with my
+bridle in one hand, and with my cap in the other, to tell my story.
+------And what is it? You shall hear in the next chapter.
+
+    [Footnote 4.8: According to the original Editions.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+As _Francis_ the first of _France_ was one winterly night warming
+himself over the embers of a wood fire, and talking with his first
+minister of sundry things for the good of the state[4.9] --It would not
+be amiss, said the king, stirring up the embers with his cane, if this
+good understanding betwixt ourselves and _Switzerland_ was a little
+strengthened. --There is no end, Sire, replied the minister, in giving
+money to these people--they would swallow up the treasury of _France_.
+--Poo! poo! answered the king--there are more ways, Mons. _le Premier_,
+of bribing states, besides that of giving money --I'll pay _Switzerland_
+the honour of standing godfather for my next child. ----Your majesty,
+said the minister, in so doing, would have all the grammarians in
+_Europe_ upon your back; ----_Switzerland_, as a republick, being a
+female, can in no construction be godfather. --She may be godmother,
+replied _Francis_ hastily--so announce my intentions by a courier
+to-morrow morning.
+
+I am astonished, said _Francis_ the First, (that day fortnight) speaking
+to his minister as he entered the closet, that we have had no answer
+from _Switzerland_. ----Sire, I wait upon you this moment, said Mons.
+_le Premier_, to lay before you my dispatches upon that business. --They
+take it kindly, said the king. --They do, Sire, replied the minister,
+and have the highest sense of the honour your majesty has done
+them----but the republick, as godmother, claims her right, in this case,
+of naming the child.
+
+In all reason, quoth the king----she will christen him _Francis_, or
+_Henry_, or _Lewis_, or some name that she knows will be agreeable to
+us. Your majesty is deceived, replied the minister ----I have this hour
+received a dispatch from our resident, with the determination of the
+republick on that point also. ----And what name has the republick fixed
+upon for the Dauphin? ----_Shadrach_, _Meshech_, _Abed-nego_, replied
+the minister. --By Saint _Peter's_ girdle, I will have nothing to do
+with the _Swiss_, cried _Francis_ the First, pulling up his breeches and
+walking hastily across the floor.
+
+Your majesty, replied the minister calmly, cannot bring yourself off.
+
+We'll pay them in money------said the king.
+
+Sire, there are not sixty thousand crowns in the treasury, answered the
+minister. ----I'll pawn the best jewel in my crown, quoth _Francis_ the
+First.
+
+Your honour stands pawn'd already in this matter, answered Monsieur _le
+Premier_.
+
+Then, Mons. _le Premier_, said the king, by------we'll go to war with
+'em.
+
+    [Footnote 4.9: Vide Menagiana, Vol. I.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+Albeit, gentle reader, I have lusted earnestly, and endeavoured
+carefully (according to the measure of such a slender skill as God has
+vouchsafed me, and as convenient leisure from other occasions of needful
+profit and healthful pastime have permitted) that these little books
+which I here put into thy hands, might stand instead of many bigger
+books--yet have I carried myself towards thee in such fanciful guise of
+careless disport, that right sore am I ashamed now to intreat thy lenity
+seriously------in beseeching thee to believe it of me, that in the story
+of my father and his christian-names --I have no thoughts of treading
+upon _Francis_ the First----nor in the affair of the nose--upon
+_Francis_ the Ninth--nor in the character of my uncle _Toby_----of
+characterizing the militiating spirits of my country--the wound upon his
+groin, is a wound to every comparison of that kind--nor by _Trim_--that
+I meant the duke of _Ormond_----or that my book is wrote against
+predestination, or free-will, or taxes --If 'tis wrote against any thing,
+----'tis wrote, an' please your worships, against the spleen! in order,
+by a more frequent and a more convulsive elevation and depression of the
+diaphragm, and the succussations of the intercostal and abdominal
+muscles in laughter, to drive the _gall_ and other _bitter juices_ from
+the gallbladder, liver, and sweet-bread of his majesty's subjects, with
+all the inimicitious passions which belong to them, down into their
+duodenums.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+--But can the thing be undone, _Yorick?_ said my father--for in my
+opinion, continued he, it cannot. I am a vile canonist, replied
+_Yorick_--but of all evils, holding suspense to be the most tormenting,
+we shall at least know the worst of this matter. I hate these great
+dinners----said my father --The size of the dinner is not the point,
+answered _Yorick_----we want, Mr. _Shandy_, to dive into the bottom of
+this doubt, whether the name can be changed or not--and as the beards of
+so many commissaries, officials, advocates, proctors, registers, and of
+the most eminent of our school-divines, and others, are all to meet in
+the middle of one table, and _Didius_ has so pressingly invited you--who
+in your distress would miss such an occasion? All that is requisite,
+continued _Yorick_, is to apprize _Didius_, and let him manage a
+conversation after dinner so as to introduce the subject. --Then my
+brother _Toby_, cried my father, clapping his two hands together, shall
+go with us.
+
+
+----Let my old tye-wig, quoth my uncle _Toby_, and my laced regimentals,
+be hung to the fire all night, _Trim_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+
+--No doubt, Sir, --there is a whole chapter wanting here--and a chasm of
+ten pages made in the book by it--but the bookbinder is neither a fool,
+or a knave, or a puppy--nor is the book a jot more imperfect (at least
+upon that score)----but, on the contrary, the book is more perfect and
+complete by wanting the chapter, than having it, as I shall demonstrate
+to your reverences in this manner. --I question first, by the bye,
+whether the same experiment might not be made as successfully upon
+sundry other chapters------but there is no end, an' please your
+reverences, in trying experiments upon chapters------we have had enough
+of it ----So there's an end of that matter.
+
+
+But before I begin my demonstration, let me only tell you, that the
+chapter which I have torn out, and which otherwise you would all have
+been reading just now, instead of this----was the description of my
+father's, my uncle _Toby's_, _Trim's_, and _Obadiah's_ setting out and
+journeying to the visitation at ****.
+
+We'll go in the coach, said my father --Prithee, have the arms been
+altered, _Obadiah?_ --It would have made my story much better to have
+begun with telling you, that at the time my mother's arms were added to
+the _Shandy's_, when the coach was re-painted upon my father's marriage,
+it had so fallen out, that the coach-painter, whether by performing all
+his works with the left-hand, like _Turpilius_ the _Roman_, or _Hans
+Holbein_ of _Basil_----or whether 'twas more from the blunder of his
+head than hand----or whether, lastly, it was from the sinister turn
+which every thing relating to our family was apt to take----it so fell
+out, however, to our reproach, that instead of the _bend-dexter_, which
+since _Harry_ the Eighth's reign was honestly our due------a
+_bend-sinister_, by some of these fatalities, had been drawn quite
+across the field of the _Shandy_ arms. 'Tis scarce credible that the
+mind of so wise a man as my father was, could be so much incommoded with
+so small a matter. The word coach--let it be whose it would--or
+coach-man, or coach-horse, or coach-hire, could never be named in the
+family, but he constantly complained of carrying this vile mark of
+illegitimacy upon the door of his own; he never once was able to step
+into the coach, or out of it, without turning round to take a view of
+the arms, and making a vow at the same time, that it was the last time
+he would ever set his foot in it again, till the _bend-sinister_ was
+taken out--but like the affair of the hinge, it was one of the many
+things which the _Destinies_ had set down in their books ever to be
+grumbled at (and in wiser families than ours)----but never to be mended.
+
+--Has the _bend-sinister_ been brush'd out, I say? said my father.
+----There has been nothing brush'd out, Sir, answered _Obadiah_, but the
+lining. We'll go o'horseback, said my father, turning to _Yorick_.
+----Of all things in the world, except politicks, the clergy know the
+least of heraldry, said _Yorick_. --No matter for that, cried my
+father ----I should be sorry to appear with a blot in my escutcheon
+before them. --Never mind the _bend-sinister_, said my uncle _Toby_,
+putting on his tye-wig. ----No, indeed, said my father--you may go with
+my aunt _Dinah_ to a visitation with a _bend-sinister_, if you think
+fit --My poor uncle _Toby_ blush'd. My father was vexed at himself.
+------No----my dear brother _Toby_, said my father, changing his
+tone----but the damp of the coach-lining about my loins, may give me the
+sciatica again, as it did _December_, _January_, and _February_ last
+_winter_--so if you please you shall ride my wife's pad----and as you
+are to preach, _Yorick_, you had better make the best of your way
+before----and leave me to take care of my brother _Toby_, and to follow
+at our own rates.
+
+Now the chapter I was obliged to tear out, was the description of this
+cavalcade, in which Corporal _Trim_ and _Obadiah_, upon two coach-horses
+a-breast, led the way as slow as a patrole----whilst my uncle _Toby_, in
+his laced regimentals and tye-wig, kept his rank with my father, in deep
+roads and dissertations alternately upon the advantage of learning and
+arms, as each could get the start.
+
+--But the painting of this journey, upon reviewing it, appears to be so
+much above the stile and manner of anything else I have been able to
+paint in this book, that it could not have remained in it, without
+depreciating every other scene; and destroying at the same time that
+necessary equipoise and balance, (whether of good or bad) betwixt
+chapter and chapter, from whence the just proportions and harmony of the
+whole work results. For my own part, I am but just set up in the
+business, so know little about it--but, in my opinion, to write a book
+is for all the world like humming a song--but in tune with yourself,
+madam, 'tis no matter how high or how low you take it.
+
+--This is the reason, may it please your reverences, that some of the
+lowest and flattest compositions pass off very well----(as _Yorick_ told
+my uncle _Toby_ one night) by siege. ----My uncle _Toby_ looked brisk at
+the sound of the word _siege_, but could make neither head or tail of
+it.
+
+I'm to preach at court next Sunday, said _Homenas_----run over my
+notes----so I humm'd over doctor _Homenas's_ notes--the modulation's
+very well----'twill do, _Homenas_, if it holds on at this rate----so on
+I humm'd----and a tolerable tune I thought it was; and to this hour, may
+it please your reverences, had never found out how low, how flat, how
+spiritless and jejune it was, but that all of a sudden, up started an
+air in the middle of it, so fine, so rich, so heavenly, --it carried my
+soul up with it into the other world; now had I (as _Montaigne_
+complained in a parallel accident)--had I found the declivity easy, or
+the ascent accessible------certes I had been outwitted. ------Your
+notes, _Homenas_, I should have said, are good notes; ----but it was so
+perpendicular a precipice------so wholly cut off from the rest of the
+work, that by the first note I humm'd I found myself flying into the
+other world, and from thence discovered the vale from whence I came, so
+deep, so low, and dismal, that I shall never have the heart to descend
+into it again.
+
+[-->] A dwarf who brings a standard along with him to measure his own
+size--take my word, is a dwarf in more articles than one. --And so much
+for tearing out of chapters.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+
+----See if he is not cutting it into slips, and giving them about him to
+light their pipes! ----'Tis abominable, answered _Didius_; it should not
+go unnoticed, said doctor _Kysarcius_------ [-->] he was of the
+_Kysarcii_ of the Low Countries.
+
+Methinks, said _Didius_, half rising from his chair, in order to remove
+a bottle and a tall decanter, which stood in a direct line betwixt him
+and _Yorick_----you might have spared this sarcastic stroke, and have
+hit upon a more proper place, Mr. _Yorick_--or at least upon a more
+proper occasion to have shewn your contempt of what we have been about:
+If the sermon is of no better worth than to light pipes with----'twas
+certainly, Sir, not good enough to be preached before so learned a body;
+and if 'twas good enough to be preached before so learned a
+body----'twas certainly, Sir, too good to light their pipes with
+afterwards.
+
+----I have got him fast hung up, quoth _Didius_ to himself, upon one of
+the two horns of my dilemma----let him get off as he can.
+
+I have undergone such unspeakable torments, in bringing forth this
+sermon, quoth _Yorick_, upon this occasion------that I declare,
+_Didius_, I would suffer martyrdom--and if it was possible my horse with
+me, a thousand times over, before I would sit down and make such
+another: I was delivered of it at the wrong end of me----it came from my
+head instead of my heart------and it is for the pain it gave me, both in
+the writing and preaching of it, that I revenge myself of it, in this
+manner --To preach, to shew the extent of our reading, or the subtleties
+of our wit--to parade in the eyes of the vulgar with the beggarly
+accounts of a little learning, tinsel'd over with a few words which
+glitter, but convey little light and less warmth----is a dishonest use
+of the poor single half hour in a week which is put into our hands--'Tis
+not preaching the gospel--but ourselves ----For my own part, continued
+_Yorick_, I had rather direct five words point-blank to the heart.--
+
+As _Yorick_ pronounced the word _point-blank_, my uncle _Toby_ rose up
+to say something upon projectiles----when a single word and no more
+uttered from the opposite side of the table drew every one's ears
+towards it--a word of all others in the dictionary the last in that
+place to be expected--a word I am ashamed to write--yet must be
+written----must be read--illegal--uncanonical--guess ten thousand
+guesses, multiplied into themselves--rack--torture your invention for
+ever, you're where you was --------In short, I'll tell it in the next
+chapter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+
+Zounds! -------------------------------------------------------------
+--------------------------------------------------------------------
+------------Z------ds! cried _Phutatorius_, partly to himself----and yet
+high enough to be heard--and what seemed odd, 'twas uttered in a
+construction of look, and in a tone of voice, somewhat between that of a
+man in amazement and one in bodily pain.
+
+One or two who had very nice ears, and could distinguish the expression
+and mixture of the two tones as plainly as a _third_ or a _fifth_, or
+any other chord in musick--were the most puzzled and perplexed with
+it--the concord was good in itself--but then 'twas quite out of the key,
+and no way applicable to the subject started; ----so that with all their
+knowledge, they could not tell what in the world to make of it.
+
+Others who knew nothing of musical expression, and merely lent their
+ears to the plain import of the _word_, imagined that _Phutatorius_, who
+was somewhat of a cholerick spirit, was just going to snatch the cudgels
+out of _Didius's_ hands, in order to bemaul _Yorick_ to some
+purpose--and that the desperate monosyllable Z------ds was the exordium
+to an oration, which, as they judged from the sample, presaged but a
+rough kind of handling of him; so that my uncle _Toby's_ good-nature
+felt a pang for what _Yorick_ was about to undergo. But seeing
+_Phutatorius_ stop short, without any attempt or desire to go on--a
+third party began to suppose, that it was no more than an involuntary
+respiration, casually forming itself into the shape of a twelve-penny
+oath--without the sin or substance of one.
+
+Others, and especially one or two who sat next him, looked upon it on
+the contrary as a real and substantial oath, propensly formed against
+_Yorick_, to whom he was known to bear no good liking--which said oath,
+as my father philosophized upon it, actually lay fretting and fuming at
+that very time in the upper regions of _Phutatorius's_ purtenance; and
+so was naturally, and according to the due course of things, first
+squeezed out by the sudden influx of blood which was driven into the
+right ventricle of _Phutatorius's_ heart, by the stroke of surprize
+which so strange a theory of preaching had excited.
+
+How finely we argue upon mistaken facts!
+
+There was not a soul busied in all these various reasonings upon the
+monosyllable which _Phutatorius_ uttered----who did not take this for
+granted, proceeding upon it as from an axiom, namely, that
+_Phutatorius's_ mind was intent upon the subject of debate which was
+arising between _Didius_ and _Yorick_; and indeed as he looked first
+towards the one and then towards the other, with the air of a man
+listening to what was going forwards--who would not have thought the
+same? But the truth was, that _Phutatorius_ knew not one word or one
+syllable of what was passing--but his whole thoughts and attention were
+taken up with a transaction which was going forwards at that very
+instant within the precincts of his own _Galligaskins_, and in a part of
+them, where of all others he stood most interested to watch accidents:
+So that notwithstanding he looked with all the attention in the world,
+and had gradually skrewed up every nerve and muscle in his face, to the
+utmost pitch the instrument would bear, in order, as it was thought, to
+give a sharp reply to _Yorick_, who sat over-against him----yet, I say,
+was _Yorick_ never once in any one domicile of _Phutatorius's_
+brain----but the true cause of his exclamation lay at least a yard
+below.
+
+This I will endeavour to explain to you with all imaginable decency.
+
+You must be informed then, that _Gastripheres_, who had taken a turn
+into the kitchen a little before dinner, to see how things went
+on--observing a wicker-basket of fine chesnuts standing upon the
+dresser, had ordered that a hundred or two of them might be roasted and
+sent in, as soon as dinner was over---- _Gastripheres_ inforcing his
+orders about them, that _Didius_, but _Phutatorius_ especially, were
+particularly fond of 'em.
+
+About two minutes before the time that my uncle _Toby_ interrupted
+_Yorick's_ harangue--_Gastripheres's_ chesnuts were brought in--and as
+_Phutatorius's_ fondness for 'em was uppermost in the waiter's head, he
+laid them directly before _Phutatorius_, wrapt up hot in a clean damask
+napkin.
+
+Now whether it was physically impossible, with half a dozen hands all
+thrust into the napkin at a time--but that some one chesnut, of more
+life and rotundity than the rest, must be put in motion--it so fell out,
+however, that one was actually sent rolling off the table; and as
+_Phutatorius_ sat straddling under----it fell perpendicularly into that
+particular aperture of _Phutatorius's_ breeches, for which, to the shame
+and indelicacy of our language be it spoke, there is no chaste word
+throughout all _Johnson's_ dictionary----let it suffice to say----it was
+that particular aperture which, in all good societies, the laws of
+decorum do strictly require, like the temple of _Janus_ (in peace at
+least) to be universally shut up.
+
+The neglect of this punctilio in _Phutatorius_ (which by the bye should
+be a warning to all mankind) had opened a door to this accident.----
+
+Accident I call it, in compliance to a received mode of
+speaking------but in no opposition to the opinion either of _Acrites_ or
+_Mythogeras_ in this matter; I know they were both prepossessed and
+fully persuaded of it--and are so to this hour, That there was nothing
+of accident in the whole event----but that the chesnut's taking that
+particular course and in a manner of its own accord--and then falling
+with all its heat directly into that one particular place, and no
+other----was a real judgment upon _Phutatorius_, for that filthy and
+obscene treatise _de Concubinis retinendis_, which _Phutatorius_ had
+published about twenty years ago----and was that identical week going to
+give the world a second edition of.
+
+It is not my business to dip my pen in this controversy----much
+undoubtedly may be wrote on both sides of the question--all that
+concerns me as an historian, is to represent the matter of fact, and
+render it credible to the reader, that the hiatus in _Phutatorius's_
+breeches was sufficiently wide to receive the chesnut; ----and that the
+chesnut, somehow or other, did fall perpendicularly and piping hot into
+it, without _Phutatorius's_ perceiving it, or any one else at that time.
+
+The genial warmth which the chesnut imparted, was not undelectable for
+the first twenty or five-and-twenty seconds----and did no more than
+gently solicit _Phutatorius's_ attention towards the part: ------But the
+heat gradually increasing, and in a few seconds more getting beyond the
+point of all sober pleasure, and then advancing with all speed into the
+regions of pain, the soul of _Phutatorius_, together with all his ideas,
+his thoughts, his attention, his imagination, judgment, resolution,
+deliberation, ratiocination, memory, fancy, with ten battalions of
+animal spirits, all tumultuously crowded down, through different defiles
+and circuits, to the place of danger, leaving all his upper regions, as
+you may imagine, as empty as my purse.
+
+With the best intelligence which all these messengers could bring him
+back, _Phutatorius_ was not able to dive into the secret of what was
+going forwards below, nor could he make any kind of conjecture, what the
+devil was the matter with it: However, as he knew not what the true
+cause might turn out, he deemed it most prudent, in the situation he was
+in at present, to bear it, if possible, like a Stoick; which, with the
+help of some wry faces and compursions of the mouth, he had certainly
+accomplished, had his imagination continued neuter; ----but the sallies
+of the imagination are ungovernable in things of this kind--a thought
+instantly darted into his mind, that tho' the anguish had the sensation
+of glowing heat--it might, notwithstanding that, be a bite as well as a
+burn; and if so, that possibly a _Newt_ or an _Asker_, or some such
+detested reptile, had crept up, and was fastening his teeth----the
+horrid idea of which, with a fresh glow of pain arising that instant
+from the chesnut, seized _Phutatorius_ with a sudden panick, and in the
+first terrifying disorder of the passion, it threw him, as it has done
+the best generals upon earth, quite off his guard: ----the effect of
+which was this, that he leapt incontinently up, uttering as he rose that
+interjection of surprise so much descanted upon, with the aposiopestic
+break after it, marked thus, Z------ds--which, though not strictly
+canonical, was still as little as any man could have said upon the
+occasion; ------and which, by the bye, whether canonical or not,
+_Phutatorius_ could no more help than he could the cause of it.
+
+Though this has taken up some time in the narrative, it took up little
+more time in the transaction, than just to allow for _Phutatorius_ to
+draw forth the chesnut, and throw it down with violence upon the
+floor--and for _Yorick_ to rise from his chair, and pick the chesnut up.
+
+It is curious to observe the triumph of slight incidents over the mind:
+----What incredible weight they have in forming and governing our
+opinions, both of men and things----that trifles, light as air, shall
+waft a belief into the soul, and plant it so immoveably within
+it----that _Euclid's_ demonstrations, could they be brought to batter it
+in breach, should not all have power to overthrow it.
+
+_Yorick_, I said, picked up the chesnut which _Phutatorius's_ wrath had
+flung down----the action was trifling ----I am ashamed to account for
+it--he did it, for no reason, but that he thought the chesnut not a jot
+worse for the adventure--and that he held a good chesnut worth stooping
+for. ------But this incident, trifling as it was, wrought differently in
+_Phutatorius's_ head: He considered this act of _Yorick's_ in getting
+off his chair and picking up the chesnut, as a plain acknowledgment in
+him, that the chesnut was originally his--and in course, that it must
+have been the owner of the chesnut, and no one else, who could have
+played him such a prank with it: What greatly confirmed him in this
+opinion, was this, that the table being parallelogramical and very
+narrow, it afforded a fair opportunity for _Yorick_, who sat directly
+over against _Phutatorius_, of slipping the chesnut in----and
+consequently that he did it. The look of something more than suspicion,
+which _Phutatorius_ cast full upon _Yorick_ as these thoughts arose, too
+evidently spoke his opinion----and as _Phutatorius_ was naturally
+supposed to know more of the matter than any person besides, his opinion
+at once became the general one; ----and for a reason very different from
+any which have been yet given----in a little time it was put out of all
+manner of dispute.
+
+When great or unexpected events fall out upon the stage of this
+sublunary world----the mind of man, which is an inquisitive kind of
+substance, naturally takes a flight behind the scenes to see what is the
+cause and first spring of them. --The search was not long in this
+instance.
+
+It was well known that _Yorick_ had never a good opinion of the treatise
+which _Phutatorius_ had wrote _de Concubinis retinendis_, as a thing
+which he feared had done hurt in the world----and 'twas easily found
+out, that there was a mystical meaning in _Yorick's_ prank--and that his
+chucking the chesnut hot into _Phutatorius's_ ***----*****, was a
+sarcastical fling at his book--the doctrines of which, they said, had
+enflamed many an honest man in the same place.
+
+This conceit awaken'd _Somnolentus_----made _Agelastes_ smile----and if
+you can recollect the precise look and air of a man's face intent in
+finding out a riddle------it threw _Gastripheres's_ into that form--and
+in short was thought by many to be a master-stroke of arch-wit.
+
+This, as the reader has seen from one end to the other, was as
+groundless as the dreams of philosophy: _Yorick_, no doubt, as
+_Shakespeare_ said of his ancestor------ "_was a man of jest_," but it
+was temper'd with something which withheld him from that, and many other
+ungracious pranks, of which he as undeservedly bore the blame; --but it
+was his misfortune all his life long to bear the imputation of saying
+and doing a thousand things, of which (unless my esteem blinds me) his
+nature was incapable. All I blame him for----or rather, all I blame and
+alternately like him for, was that singularity of his temper, which
+would never suffer him to take pains to set a story right with the
+world, however in his power. In every ill usage of that sort, he acted
+precisely as in the affair of his lean horse----he could have explained
+it to his honour, but his spirit was above it; and besides, he ever
+looked upon the inventor, the propagator and believer of an illiberal
+report alike so injurious to him--he could not stoop to tell his story
+to them--and so trusted to time and truth to do it for him.
+
+This heroic cast produced him inconveniences in many respects--in the
+present it was followed by the fixed resentment of _Phutatorius_, who,
+as _Yorick_ had just made an end of his chesnut, rose up from his chair
+a second time, to let him know it--which indeed he did with a smile;
+saying only--that he would endeavour not to forget the obligation.
+
+But you must mark and carefully separate and distinguish these two
+things in your mind.
+
+----The smile was for the company.
+
+----The threat was for _Yorick_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+
+--Can you tell me, quoth _Phutatorius_, speaking to _Gastripheres_ who
+sat next to him----for one would not apply to a surgeon in so foolish an
+affair----can you tell me, _Gastripheres_, what is best to take out the
+fire? ----Ask _Eugenius_, said _Gastripheres_. ----That greatly depends,
+said _Eugenius_, pretending ignorance of the adventure, upon the nature
+of the part ----If it is a tender part, and a part which can conveniently
+be wrapt up ------It is both the one and the other, replied
+_Phutatorius_, laying his hand as he spoke, with an emphatical nod of
+his head, upon the part in question, and lifting up his right leg at the
+same time to ease and ventilate it. ------If that is the case, said
+_Eugenius_, I would advise you, _Phutatorius_, not to tamper with it by
+any means; but if you will send to the next printer, and trust your cure
+to such a simple thing as a soft sheet of paper just come off the
+press--you need do nothing more than twist it round. --The damp paper,
+quoth _Yorick_ (who sat next to his friend _Eugenius_) though I know it
+has a refreshing coolness in it--yet I presume is no more than the
+vehicle--and that the oil and lamp-black with which the paper is so
+strongly impregnated, does the business. --Right, said _Eugenius_, and
+is, of any outward application I would venture to recommend, the most
+anodyne and safe.
+
+Was it my case, said _Gastripheres_, as the main thing is the oil and
+lamp-black, I should spread them thick upon a rag, and clap it on
+directly. ------That would make a very devil of it, replied _Yorick_.
+----And besides, added _Eugenius_, it would not answer the intention,
+which is the extreme neatness and elegance of the prescription, which
+the Faculty hold to be half in half; ----for consider, if the type is a
+very small one (which it should be) the sanative particles, which come
+into contact in this form, have the advantage of being spread so
+infinitely thin, and with such a mathematical equality (fresh paragraphs
+and large capitals excepted) as no art or management of the spatula can
+come up to. ------It falls out very luckily, replied _Phutatorius_, that
+the second edition of my treatise _de Concubinis retinendis_ is at this
+instant in the press. ------You may take any leaf of it, said
+_Eugenius_------no matter which. ----Provided, quoth _Yorick_, there is
+no bawdry in it.------
+
+They are just now, replied _Phutatorius_, printing off the ninth
+chapter----which is the last chapter but one in the book. ----Pray what
+is the title of that chapter? said _Yorick_; making a respectful bow to
+_Phutatorius_ as he spoke. ------I think, answered _Phutatorius_, 'tis
+that _de re concubinariâ_.
+
+For Heaven's sake keep out of that chapter, quoth _Yorick_.
+
+----By all means--added _Eugenius_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+
+--Now, quoth _Didius_, rising up, and laying his right hand with his
+fingers spread upon his breast----had such a blunder about a
+christian-name happened before the Reformation ------[It happened the
+day before yesterday, quoth my uncle _Toby_ to himself] and when baptism
+was administer'd in _Latin_ --['Twas all in _English_, said my
+uncle]------ many things might have coincided with it, and upon the
+authority of sundry decreed cases, to have pronounced the baptism null,
+with a power of giving the child a new name --Had a priest, for instance,
+which was no uncommon thing, through ignorance of the _Latin_ tongue,
+baptized a child of Tom-o'Stiles, _in nomine patrić & filia & spiritum
+sanctos_--the baptism was held null. ----I beg your pardon, replied
+_Kysarcius_----in that case, as the mistake was only the _terminations_,
+the baptism was valid----and to have rendered it null, the blunder of
+the priest should have fallen upon the first syllable of each
+noun------and not, as in your case, upon the last.
+
+My father delighted in subtleties of this kind, and listen'd with
+infinite attention.
+
+_Gastripheres_, for example, continued _Kysarcius_, baptizes a child of
+_John Stradling's_ in _Gomine_ gatris, &c., &c., instead of _in Nomine_
+patris, &c. ----Is this a baptism? No--say the ablest canonists; in as
+much as the radix of each word is hereby torn up, and the sense and
+meaning of them removed and changed quite to another object; for
+_Gomine_ does not signify a name, nor _gatris_ a father. --What do they
+signify? said my uncle _Toby_. --Nothing at all------quoth _Yorick_.
+----Ergo, such a baptism is null, said _Kysarcius_.----
+
+In course, answered _Yorick_, in a tone two parts jest and one part
+earnest.----
+
+But in the case cited, continued _Kysarcius_, where _patrić_ is put for
+_patris_, _filia_ for _filii_, and so on----as it is a fault only in the
+declension, and the roots of the words continue untouch'd, the
+inflections of their branches either this way or that, does not in any
+sort hinder the baptism, inasmuch as the same sense continues in the
+words as before. ----But then, said _Didius_, the intention of the
+priest's pronouncing them grammatically must have been proved to have
+gone along with it. ------------Right, answered _Kysarcius_; and of
+this, brother _Didius_, we have an instance in a decree of the decretals
+of Pope _Leo_ the IIId. ----But my brother's child, cried my uncle
+_Toby_, has nothing to do with the Pope------'tis the plain child of a
+Protestant gentleman, christen'd _Tristram_ against the wills and wishes
+both of his father and mother, and all who are a-kin to it.----
+
+If the wills and wishes, said _Kysarcius_, interrupting my uncle _Toby_,
+of those only who stand related to Mr. _Shandy's_ child, were to have
+weight in this matter, Mrs. _Shandy_, of all people, has the least to do
+in it. ----My uncle _Toby_ lay'd down his pipe, and my father drew his
+chair still closer to the table, to hear the conclusion of so strange an
+introduction.
+
+----It has not only been a question, Captain _Shandy_, amongst the[4.10]
+best lawyers and civilians in this land, continued _Kysarcius_,
+"_Whether the mother be of kin to her child_," --but, after much
+dispassionate enquiry and jactitation of the arguments on all sides--it
+has been abjudged for the negative--namely, "_That the mother is not of
+kin to her child_."[4.11] My father instantly clapp'd his hand upon my
+uncle _Toby's_ mouth, under colour of whispering in his ear; --the truth
+was, he was alarmed for _Lillabullero_--and having a great desire to
+hear more of so curious an argument--he begg'd my uncle _Toby_, for
+Heaven's sake, not to disappoint him in it. --My uncle _Toby_ gave a
+nod--resumed his pipe, and contenting himself with whistling
+_Lillabullero_ inwardly----_Kysarcius_, _Didius_, and _Triptolemus_ went
+on with the discourse as follows.
+
+This determination, continued _Kysarcius_, how contrary soever it may
+seem to run to the stream of vulgar ideas, yet had reason strongly on
+its side; and has been put out of all manner of dispute from the famous
+case, known commonly by the name of the Duke of _Suffolk's_ case.
+------It is cited in _Brook_, said _Triptolemus_ ------And taken notice
+of by Lord _Coke_, added _Didius_. --And you may find it in _Swinburn_
+on Testaments, said _Kysarcius_.
+
+The case, Mr. _Shandy_, was this.
+
+In the reign of _Edward_ the Sixth, _Charles_ duke of _Suffolk_ having
+issue a son by one venter, and a daughter by another venter, made his
+last will, wherein he devised goods to his son, and died; after whose
+death the son died also----but without will, without wife, and without
+child--his mother and his sister by the father's side (for she was born
+of the former venter) then living. The mother took the administration of
+her son's goods, according to the statute of the 21st of _Harry_ the
+Eighth, whereby it is enacted, That in case any person die intestate the
+administration of his goods shall be committed to the next of kin.
+
+The administration being thus (surreptitiously) granted to the mother,
+the sister by the father's side commenced a suit before the
+Ecclesiastical Judge, alledging, 1st, That she herself was next of kin;
+and 2dly, That the mother was not of kin at all to the party deceased;
+and therefore prayed the court, that the administration granted to the
+mother might be revoked, and be committed unto her, as next of kin to
+the deceased, by force of the said statute.
+
+Hereupon, as it was a great cause, and much depending upon its
+issue--and many causes of great property likely to be decided in times
+to come, by the precedent to be then made----the most learned, as well
+in the laws of this realm, as in the civil law, were consulted together,
+whether the mother was of kin to her son, or no. --Whereunto not only
+the temporal lawyers----but the church lawyers--the juris-consulti--the
+juris-prudentes--the civilians--the advocates--the commissaries--the
+judges of the consistory and prerogative courts of _Canterbury_ and
+_York_, with the master of the faculties, were all unanimously of
+opinion, That the mother was not of[4.12] kin to her child.----
+
+And what said the duchess of _Suffolk_ to it? said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+The unexpectedness of my uncle _Toby's_ question, confounded _Kysarcius_
+more than the ablest advocate ----He stopp'd a full minute, looking in
+my uncle _Toby's_ face without replying----and in that single minute
+_Triptolemus_ put by him, and took the lead as follows.
+
+'Tis a ground and principle in the law, said _Triptolemus_, that things
+do not ascend, but descend in it; and I make no doubt 'tis for this
+cause, that however true it is, that the child may be of the blood and
+seed of its parents----that the parents, nevertheless, are not of the
+blood and seed of it; inasmuch as the parents are not begot by the
+child, but the child by the parents --For so they write, _Liberi sunt de
+sanguine patris & matris, sed pater & mater non sunt de sanguine
+liberorum_.
+
+----But this, _Triptolemus_, cried _Didius_, proves too much--for from
+this authority cited it would follow, not only what indeed is granted on
+all sides, that the mother is not of kin to her child--but the father
+likewise. ----It is held, said _Triptolemus_, the better opinion;
+because the father, the mother, and the child, though they be three
+persons, yet are they but (_una caro_[4.13]) one flesh; and consequently
+no degree of kindred----or any method of acquiring one _in nature_.
+----There you push the argument again too far, cried _Didius_----for
+there is no prohibition _in nature_, though there is in the Levitical
+law----but that a man may beget a child upon his grandmother----in which
+case, supposing the issue a daughter, she would stand in relation both
+of ----But who ever thought, cried _Kysarcius_, of lying with his
+grandmother? ------The young gentleman, replied _Yorick_, whom _Selden_
+speaks of----who not only thought of it, but justified his intention to
+his father by the argument drawn from the law of retaliation. --"You
+lay, Sir, with my mother," said the lad-- "why may not I lie with
+yours?" ----'Tis the _Argumentum commune_, added _Yorick_. ----'Tis as
+good, replied _Eugenius_, taking down his hat, as they deserve.
+
+The company broke up.
+
+    [Footnote 4.10: Vide Swinburn on Testaments, Part 7, §8.]
+
+    [Footnote 4.11: Vide Brook, Abridg. Tit. Administr. N. 47.]
+
+    [Footnote 4.12: Mater non numeratur inter consanguineos, Bald.
+    in ult. C. de Verb. signific.]
+
+    [Footnote 4.13: Vide Brook, Abridg. tit. Administr. N. 47.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+
+--And pray, said my uncle _Toby_, leaning upon _Yorick_, as he and my
+father were helping him leisurely down the stairs----don't be terrified,
+madam, this stair-case conversation is not so long as the last ----And
+pray, _Yorick_, said my uncle _Toby_, which way is this said affair of
+_Tristram_ at length settled by these learned men? Very satisfactorily,
+replied _Yorick_; no mortal, Sir, has any concern with it----for Mrs.
+_Shandy_ the mother is nothing at all a-kin to him----and as the
+mother's is the surest side ----Mr. _Shandy_, in course, is still less
+than nothing ------In short, he is not as much a-kin to him, Sir, as I
+am.----
+
+----That may well be, said my father, shaking his head.
+
+----Let the learned say what they will, there must certainly, quoth my
+uncle _Toby_, have been some sort of consanguinity betwixt the duchess
+of _Suffolk_ and her son.
+
+The vulgar are of the same opinion, quoth _Yorick_, to this hour.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+
+Though my father was hugely tickled with the subtleties of these learned
+discourses------'twas still but like the anointing of a broken
+bone ------The moment he got home, the weight of his afflictions returned
+upon him but so much the heavier, as is ever the case when the staff we
+lean on slips from under us. --He became pensive--walked frequently
+forth to the fish-pond--let down one loop of his hat----sigh'd
+often----forbore to snap--and, as the hasty sparks of temper, which
+occasion snapping, so much assist perspiration and digestion, as
+_Hippocrates_ tells us--he had certainly fallen ill with the extinction
+of them, had not his thoughts been critically drawn off, and his health
+rescued by a fresh train of disquietudes left him, with a legacy of a
+thousand pounds, by my aunt _Dinah_.
+
+My father had scarce read the letter, when taking the thing by the right
+end, he instantly began to plague and puzzle his head how to lay it out
+mostly to the honour of his family. --A hundred-and-fifty odd projects
+took possession of his brains by turns--he would do this, and that, and
+t'other --He would go to _Rome_----he would go to law----he would buy
+stock----he would buy _John Hobson's_ farm--he would new fore-front his
+house, and add a new wing to make it even ----There was a fine water-mill
+on this side, and he would build a wind-mill on the other side of the
+river in full view to answer it --But above all things in the world, he
+would inclose the great _Ox-moor_, and send out my brother _Bobby_
+immediately upon his travels.
+
+But as the sum was _finite_, and consequently could not do
+everything----and in truth very few of these to any purpose--of all the
+projects which offered themselves upon this occasion, the two last
+seemed to make the deepest impression; and he would infallibly have
+determined upon both at once, but for the small inconvenience hinted at
+above, which absolutely put him under a necessity of deciding in favour
+either of the one or the other.
+
+This was not altogether so easy to be done; for though 'tis certain my
+father had long before set his heart upon this necessary part of my
+brother's education, and like a prudent man had actually determined to
+carry it into execution, with the first money that returned from the
+second creation of actions in the _Missisippi_-scheme, in which he was
+an adventurer----yet the _Ox-moor_, which was a fine, large, whinny,
+undrained, unimproved common, belonging to the _Shandy_-estate, had
+almost as old a claim upon him: he had long and affectionately set his
+heart upon turning it likewise to some account.
+
+But having never hitherto been pressed with such a conjuncture of
+things, as made it necessary to settle either the priority or justice of
+their claims----like a wise man he had refrained entering into any nice
+or critical examination about them: so that upon the dismission of every
+other project at this crisis------the two old projects, the OX-MOOR and
+my BROTHER, divided him again; and so equal a match were they for each
+other, as to become the occasion of no small contest in the old
+gentleman's mind--which of the two should be set o'going first.
+
+----People may laugh as they will--but the case was this.
+
+It had ever been the custom of the family, and by length of time was
+almost become a matter of common right, that the eldest son of it should
+have free ingress, egress, and regress into foreign parts before
+marriage--not only for the sake of bettering his own private parts, by
+the benefit of exercise and change of so much air--but simply for the
+mere delectation of his fancy, by the feather put into his cap, of
+having been abroad--_tantum valet_, my father would say, _quantum
+sonat_.
+
+Now as this was a reasonable, and in course a most christian
+indulgence----to deprive him of it, without why or wherefore----and
+thereby make an example of him, as the first _Shandy_ unwhirl'd about
+_Europe_ in a post-chaise, and only because he was a heavy lad----would
+be using him ten times worse than a Turk.
+
+On the other hand, the case of the _Ox-moor_ was full as hard.
+
+Exclusive of the original purchase-money, which was eight hundred
+pounds----it had cost the family eight hundred pounds more in a law-suit
+about fifteen years before--besides the Lord knows what trouble and
+vexation.
+
+It had been moreover in possession of the _Shandy_-family ever since the
+middle of the last century; and though it lay full in view before the
+house, bounded on one extremity by the water-mill, and on the other by
+the projected wind-mill, spoken of above--and for all these reasons
+seemed to have the fairest title of any part of the estate to the care
+and protection of the family--yet by an unaccountable fatality, common
+to men, as well as the ground they tread on----it had all along most
+shamefully been overlook'd; and to speak the truth of it, had suffered
+so much by it, that it would have made any man's heart have bled
+(_Obadiah_ said) who understood the value of the land, to have rode over
+it, and only seen the condition it was in.
+
+However, as neither the purchasing this tract of ground----nor indeed
+the placing of it where it lay, were either of them, properly speaking,
+of my father's doing----he had never thought himself any way concerned
+in the affair------till the fifteen years before, when the breaking out
+of that cursed law-suit mentioned above (and which had arose about its
+boundaries)------which being altogether my father's own act and deed, it
+naturally awakened every other argument in its favour, and upon summing
+them all up together, he saw, not merely in interest, but in honour, he
+was bound to do something for it----and that now or never was the time.
+
+I think there must certainly have been a mixture of ill-luck in it, that
+the reasons on both sides should happen to be so equally balanced by
+each other; for though my father weigh'd them in all humours and
+conditions------spent many an anxious hour in the most profound and
+abstracted meditation upon what was best to be done--reading books of
+farming one day------books of travels another----laying aside all
+passion whatever--viewing the arguments on both sides in all their
+lights and circumstances--communing every day with my uncle
+_Toby_--arguing with _Yorick_, and talking over the whole affair of the
+_Ox-moor_ with _Obadiah_------yet nothing in all that time appeared so
+strongly in behalf of the one, which was not either strictly applicable
+to the other, or at least so far counterbalanced by some consideration
+of equal weight, as to keep the scales even.
+
+For to be sure, with proper helps, and in the hands of some people, tho'
+the _Ox-moor_ would undoubtedly have made a different appearance in the
+world from what it did, or ever could do in the condition it lay----yet
+every tittle of this was true, with regard to my brother _Bobby_----let
+_Obadiah_ say what he would.------
+
+In point of interest----the contest, I own, at first sight, did not
+appear so undecisive betwixt them; for whenever my father took pen and
+ink in hand, and set about calculating the simple expence of paring and
+burning, and fencing in the _Ox-moor_ &c. &c. --with the certain profit
+it would bring him in return----the latter turned out so prodigiously in
+his way of working the account, that you would have sworn the _Ox-moor_
+would have carried all before it. For it was plain he should reap a
+hundred lasts of rape, at twenty pounds a last, the very first
+year----besides an excellent crop of wheat the year following----and the
+year after that, to speak within bounds, a hundred----but in all
+likelihood, a hundred and fifty------if not two hundred quarters of
+pease and beans----besides potatoes without end. ----But then, to think
+he was all this while breeding up my brother, like a hog to eat
+them----knocked all on the head again, and generally left the old
+gentleman in such a state of suspence----that, as he often declared to
+my uncle _Toby_----he knew no more than his heels what to do.
+
+No body, but he who has felt it, can conceive what a plaguing thing it
+is to have a man's mind torn asunder by two projects of equal strength,
+both obstinately pulling in a contrary direction at the same time: for
+to say nothing of the havock, which by a certain consequence is
+unavoidably made by it all over the finer system of the nerves, which
+you know convey the animal spirits and more subtle juices from the heart
+to the head, and so on----it is not to be told in what a degree such a
+wayward kind of friction works upon the more gross and solid parts,
+wasting the fat and impairing the strength of a man every time as it
+goes backwards and forwards.
+
+My father had certainly sunk under this evil, as certainly as he had
+done under that of my CHRISTIAN NAME----had he not been rescued out of
+it, as he was out of that, by a fresh evil------the misfortune of my
+brother _Bobby's_ death.
+
+What is the life of man! Is it not to shift from side to side?
+------from sorrow to sorrow? ------to button up one cause of
+vexation------and unbutton another?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+
+From this moment I am to be considered as heir-apparent to the _Shandy_
+family----and it is from this point properly, that the story of my LIFE
+and my OPINIONS sets out. With all my hurry and precipitation, I have
+but been clearing the ground to raise the building----and such a
+building do I foresee it will turn out, as never was planned, and as
+never was executed since _Adam_. In less than five minutes I shall have
+thrown my pen into the fire, and the little drop of thick ink which is
+left remaining at the bottom of my ink-horn, after it --I have but half
+a score things to do in the time ----I have a thing to name----a thing
+to lament----a thing to hope----a thing to promise, and a thing to
+threaten --I have a thing to suppose--a thing to declare----a thing to
+conceal----a thing to choose, and a thing to pray for ------This chapter,
+therefore, I _name_ the chapter of THINGS------and my next chapter to
+it, that is, the first chapter of my next volume, if I live, shall be my
+chapter upon WHISKERS, in order to keep up some sort of connection in my
+works.
+
+The thing I lament is, that things have crowded in so thick upon me,
+that I have not been able to get into that part of my work, towards
+which I have all the way looked forwards, with so much earnest desire;
+and that is the Campaigns, but especially the amours of my uncle _Toby_,
+the events of which are of so singular a nature, and so Cervantick a
+cast, that if I can so manage it, as to convey but the same impressions
+to every other brain, which the occurrences themselves excite in my
+own --I will answer for it the book shall make its way in the world,
+much better than its master has done before it. ----Oh _Tristram!_
+_Tristram!_ can this but be once brought about----the credit, which will
+attend thee as an author, shall counterbalance the many evils which have
+befallen thee as a man----thou wilt feast upon the one----when thou hast
+lost all sense and remembrance of the other!----
+
+No wonder I itch so much as I do, to get at these amours --They are the
+choicest morsel of my whole story! and when I do get at 'em----assure
+yourselves, good folks--(nor do I value whose squeamish stomach takes
+offence at it) I shall not be at all nice in the choice of my words!
+----and that's the thing I have to _declare_. ------I shall never get
+all through in five minutes, that I fear----and the thing I _hope_ is,
+that your worships and reverences are not offended--if you are, depend
+upon't I'll give you something, my good gentry, next year to be offended
+at----that's my dear _Jenny's_ way--but who my _Jenny_ is--and which is
+the right and which the wrong end of a woman, is the thing to be
+_concealed_--it shall be told you in the next chapter but one to my
+chapter of Button-holes----and not one chapter before.
+
+And now that you have just got to the end of these[4.14] four
+volumes----the thing I have to _ask_ is, how you feel your heads? my own
+akes dismally! ------as for your healths, I know, they are much better.
+--True _Shandeism_, think what you will against it, opens the heart and
+lungs, and like all those affections which partake of its nature, it
+forces the blood and other vital fluids of the body to run freely
+through its channels, makes the wheel of life run long and chearfully
+round.
+
+Was I left, like _Sancho Panca_, to choose my kingdom, it should not be
+maritime--or a kingdom of blacks to make a penny of; --no, it should be
+a kingdom of hearty laughing subjects: And as the bilious and more
+saturnine passions, by creating disorders in the blood and humours, have
+as bad an influence, I see, upon the body politick as body
+natural----and as nothing but a habit of virtue can fully govern those
+passions, and subject them to reason ------I should add to my
+prayer--that God would give my subjects grace to be as WISE as they were
+MERRY; and then should I be the happiest monarch, and they the happiest
+people under heaven.
+
+And so, with this moral for the present, may it please your worships and
+your reverences, I take my leave of you till this time twelve-month,
+when, (unless this vile cough kills me in the meantime) I'll have
+another pluck at your beards, and lay open a story to the world you
+little dream of.
+
+    [Footnote 4.14: According to the original Editions.]
+
+
+
+
+  THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
+  OF
+  TRISTRAM SHANDY
+  GENTLEMAN
+
+
+    Dixero si quid fortč jocosius, hoc mihi juris
+    Cum venia dabis. ---- HOR.
+
+  --Si quis calumnietur levius esse quam decet theologum, aut
+  mordacius quam deceat Christianum--non Ego, sed Democritus dixit. --
+  ERASMUS.
+
+  Si quis Clericus, aut Monachus, verba joculatoria, risum moventia,
+  sciebat, anathema esto. -- SECOND COUNCIL OF CARTHAGE.
+
+
+
+
+  TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE
+
+  JOHN,
+
+  LORD VISCOUNT SPENCER
+
+
+  MY LORD,
+
+I humbly beg leave to offer you these two Volumes;[D.1] they are the
+best my talents, with such bad health as I have, could produce: --had
+Providence granted me a larger stock of either, they had been a much
+more proper present to your Lordship.
+
+I beg your Lordship will forgive me, if, at the same time I dedicate
+this work to you, I join Lady SPENCER, in the liberty I take of
+inscribing the story of _Le Fever_ to her name; for which I have no
+other motive, which my heart has informed me of, but that the story is a
+humane one.
+
+
+  I am,
+
+  MY LORD,
+
+  Your Lordship's most devoted
+  and most humble Servant,
+
+  LAUR. STERNE.
+
+    [Footnote D.1: Volumes V. and VI. in the first Edition.]
+
+
+
+
+BOOK V
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+If it had not been for those two mettlesome tits, and that madcap of a
+postillion who drove them from Stilton to Stamford, the thought had
+never entered my head. He flew like lightning----there was a slope of
+three miles and a half----we scarce touched the ground----the motion was
+most rapid----most impetuous------'twas communicated to my brain--my
+heart partook of it---- "By the great God of day," said I, looking
+towards the sun, and thrusting my arm out of the fore-window of the
+chaise, as I made my vow, "I will lock up my study-door the moment I get
+home, and throw the key of it ninety feet below the surface of the
+earth, into the draw-well at the back of my house."
+
+The London waggon confirmed me in my resolution; it hung tottering upon
+the hill, scarce progressive, drag'd--drag'd up by eight _heavy
+beasts_-- "by main strength! ----quoth I, nodding----but your betters
+draw the same way----and something of everybody's! ----O rare!"
+
+Tell me, ye learned, shall we for ever be adding so much to the
+_bulk_--so little to the _stock?_
+
+Shall we for ever make new books, as apothecaries make new mixtures, by
+pouring only out of one vessel into another?
+
+Are we for ever to be twisting, and untwisting the same rope? for ever
+in the same track--for ever at the same pace?
+
+Shall we be destined to the days of eternity, on holy-days, as well as
+working-days, to be shewing the _relicks of learning_, as monks do the
+relicks of their saints--without working one--one single miracle with
+them?
+
+Who made Man, with powers which dart him from earth to heaven in
+a moment--that great, that most excellent, and most noble creature of
+the world--the _miracle_ of nature, as _Zoroaster_ in his book +peri
+phuseôs+ called him--the SHEKINAH of the divine presence, as
+Chrysostom----the _image_ of God, as Moses----the _ray_ of divinity, as
+Plato--the _marvel_ of _marvels_, as Aristotle--to go sneaking on at
+this pitiful--pimping--pettifogging rate?
+
+I scorn to be as abusive as Horace upon the occasion------but if there
+is no catachresis in the wish, and no sin in it, I wish from my soul,
+that every imitator in _Great Britain_, _France_, and _Ireland_, had the
+farcy for his pains; and that there was a good farcical house, large
+enough to hold--aye--and sublimate them, _shag rag and bob-tail_, male
+and female, all together: and this leads me to the affair of
+_Whiskers_----but, by what chain of ideas --I leave as a legacy in
+_mort-main_ to Prudes and Tartufs, to enjoy and make the most of.
+
+
+UPON WHISKERS
+
+I'm sorry I made it----'twas as inconsiderate a promise as ever entered
+a man's head ----A chapter upon whiskers! alas! the world will not bear
+it--'tis a delicate world----but I knew not of what mettle it was
+made--nor had I ever seen the underwritten fragment; otherwise, as
+surely as noses are noses, and whiskers are whiskers still (let the
+world say what it will to the contrary); so surely would I have steered
+clear of this dangerous chapter.
+
+
+THE FRAGMENT
+
+  *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *      *
+  *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *      * ------You are
+half asleep, my good lady, said the old gentleman, taking hold of the
+old lady's hand, and giving it a gentle squeeze, as he pronounced the
+word _Whiskers_----shall we change the subject? By no means, replied the
+old lady --I like your account of those matters; so throwing a thin gauze
+handkerchief over her head, and leaning it back upon the chair with her
+face turned towards him, and advancing her two feet as she reclined
+herself ----I desire, continued she, you will go on.
+
+The old gentleman went on as follows: ------Whiskers! cried the queen of
+_Navarre_, dropping her knotting ball, as _La Fosseuse_ uttered the
+word ----Whiskers, madam, said _La Fosseuse_, pinning the ball to the
+queen's apron, and making a courtesy as she repeated it.
+
+_La Fosseuse's_ voice was naturally soft and low, yet 'twas an
+articulate voice: and every letter of the word _Whiskers_ fell
+distinctly upon the queen of _Navarre's_ ear --Whiskers! cried the
+queen, laying a greater stress upon the word, and as if she had still
+distrusted her ears ----Whiskers! replied _La Fosseuse_, repeating the
+word a third time ----There is not a cavalier, madam, of his age in
+_Navarre_, continued the maid of honour, pressing the page's interest
+upon the queen, that has so gallant a pair ----Of what? cried _Margaret_,
+smiling --Of whiskers, said _La Fosseuse_, with infinite modesty.
+
+The word _Whiskers_ still stood its ground, and continued to be made use
+of in most of the best companies throughout the little kingdom of
+_Navarre_, notwithstanding the indiscreet use which _La Fosseuse_ had
+made of it: the truth was, _La Fosseuse_ had pronounced the word, not
+only before the queen, but upon sundry other occasions at court, with an
+accent which always implied something of a mystery --And as the court of
+_Margaret_, as all the world knows, was at that time a mixture of
+gallantry and devotion----and whiskers being as applicable to the one,
+as the other, the word naturally stood its ground----it gain'd full as
+much as it lost; that is, the clergy were for it----the laity were
+against it----and for the women, ----_they_ were divided.
+
+The excellency of the figure and mien of the young Sieur _De Croix_, was
+at that time beginning to draw the attention of the maids of honour
+towards the terrace before the palace gate, where the guard was mounted.
+The lady _De Baussiere_ fell deeply in love with him, ----_La
+Battarelle_ did the same--it was the finest weather for it, that ever
+was remembered in _Navarre_----_La Guyol_, _La Maronette_, _La
+Sabatiere_, fell in love with the Sieur _De Croix_ also----_La Rebours_
+and _La Fosseuse_ knew better----_De Croix_ had failed in an attempt to
+recommend himself to _La Rebours_; and _La Rebours_ and _La Fosseuse_
+were inseparable.
+
+The queen of _Navarre_ was sitting with her ladies in the painted
+bow-window, facing the gate of the second court, as _De Croix_ passed
+through it --He is handsome, said the Lady _Baussiere_. ----He has a
+good mien, said _La Battarelle_ ----He is finely shaped, said _La Guyol_
+--I never saw an officer of the horse-guards in my life, said _La
+Maronette_, with two such legs ----Or who stood so well upon them, said
+_La Sabatiere_ ------But he has no whiskers, cried _La Fosseuse_ ----Not
+a pile, said _La Rebours_.
+
+The queen went directly to her oratory, musing all the way, as she
+walked through the gallery, upon the subject; turning it this way and
+that way in her fancy--_Ave Maria!_------what can _La Fosseuse_ mean?
+said she, kneeling down upon the cushion.
+
+_La Guyol_, _La Battarelle_, _La Maronette_, _La Sabatiere_, retired
+instantly to their chambers ------Whiskers! said all four of them to
+themselves, as they bolted their doors on the inside.
+
+The Lady _Carnavallette_ was counting her beads with both hands,
+unsuspected, under her farthingal----from St. _Antony_ down to St.
+_Ursula_ inclusive, not a saint passed through her fingers without
+whiskers; St. _Francis_, St. _Dominick_, St. _Bennet_, St. _Basil_, St.
+_Bridget_, had all whiskers.
+
+The Lady _Baussiere_ had got into a wilderness of conceits, with
+moralizing too intricately upon _La Fosseuse's_ text ----She mounted her
+palfrey, her page followed her----the host passed by--the Lady
+_Baussiere_ rode on.
+
+One denier, cried the order of mercy--one single denier, in behalf of a
+thousand patient captives, whose eyes look towards heaven and you for
+their redemption.
+
+----The Lady _Baussiere_ rode on.
+
+Pity the unhappy, said a devout, venerable, hoary-headed man, meekly
+holding up a box, begirt with iron, in his withered hands ----I beg for
+the unfortunate--good my Lady, 'tis for a prison--for an hospital--'tis
+for an old man--a poor man undone by shipwreck, by suretyship, by
+fire ----I call God and all his angels to witness----'tis to clothe the
+naked----to feed the hungry----'tis to comfort the sick and the
+broken-hearted.
+
+The Lady _Baussiere_ rode on.
+
+A decayed kinsman bowed himself to the ground.
+
+----The Lady _Baussiere_ rode on.
+
+He ran begging bare-headed on one side of her palfrey, conjuring her by
+the former bonds of friendship, alliance, consanguinity, etc.
+----Cousin, aunt, sister, mother, ----for virtue's sake, for your own,
+for mine, for Christ's sake, remember me----pity me.
+
+----The Lady _Baussiere_ rode on.
+
+Take hold of my whiskers, said the Lady _Baussiere_ ----The page took
+hold of her palfrey. She dismounted at the end of the terrace.
+
+There are some trains of certain ideas which leave prints of themselves
+about our eyes and eye-brows; and there is a consciousness of it,
+somewhere about the heart, which serves but to make these etchings the
+stronger--we see, spell, and put them together without a dictionary.
+
+Ha, ha! he, hee! cried _La Guyol_ and _La Sabatiere_, looking close at
+each other's prints ----Ho, ho! cried _La Battarelle_ and _Maronette_,
+doing the same: --Whist! cried one--st, st, --said a second--hush, quoth
+a third--poo, poo, replied a fourth--gramercy! cried the Lady
+_Carnavallette_; ----'twas she who bewhisker'd St. _Bridget_.
+
+_La Fosseuse_ drew her bodkin from the knot of her hair, and having
+traced the outline of a small whisker, with the blunt end of it, upon
+one side of her upper lip, put it into _La Rebours'_ hand--_La Rebours_
+shook her head.
+
+The Lady _Baussiere_ coughed thrice into the inside of her muff--_La
+Guyol_ smiled --Fy, said the Lady _Baussiere_. The queen of _Navarre_
+touched her eye with the tip of her fore-finger--as much as to say,
+I understand you all.
+
+'Twas plain to the whole court the word was ruined: _La Fosseuse_ had
+given it a wound, and it was not the better for passing through all
+these defiles ----It made a faint stand, however, for a few months, by
+the expiration of which, the Sieur _De Croix_, finding it high time to
+leave _Navarre_ for want of whiskers----the word in course became
+indecent, and (after a few efforts) absolutely unfit for use.
+
+The best word, in the best language of the best world, must have
+suffered under such combinations. ------The curate of _d'Estella_ wrote
+a book against them, setting forth the dangers of accessory ideas, and
+warning the _Navarois_ against them.
+
+Does not all the world know, said the curate _d'Estella_ at the
+conclusion of his work, that Noses ran the same fate some centuries ago
+in most parts of _Europe_, which Whiskers have now done in the kingdom
+of _Navarre?_ --The evil indeed spread no farther then--but have not
+beds and bolsters, and nightcaps and chamber-pots stood upon the brink
+of destruction ever since? Are not trouse, and placket-holes, and
+pump-handles--and spigots and faucets, in danger still from the same
+association? ----Chastity, by nature, the gentlest of all
+affections--give it but its head----'tis like a ramping and a roaring
+lion.
+
+The drift of the curate _d'Estella's_ argument was not understood.
+--They ran the scent the wrong way. --The world bridled his ass at the
+tail. --And when the _extremes_ of DELICACY, and the _beginnings_ of
+CONCUPISCENCE, hold their next provincial chapter together, they may
+decree that bawdy also.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+When my father received the letter which brought him the melancholy
+account of my brother _Bobby's_ death, he was busy calculating the
+expence of his riding post from _Calais_ to _Paris_, and so on to
+_Lyons_.
+
+'Twas a most inauspicious journey; my father having had every foot of it
+to travel over again, and his calculation to begin afresh, when he had
+almost got to the end of it, by _Obadiah's_ opening the door to acquaint
+him the family was out of yeast--and to ask whether he might not take
+the great coach-horse early in the morning and ride in search of some.
+--With all my heart, _Obadiah_, said my father (pursuing his
+journey)--take the coach-horse, and welcome. ----But he wants a shoe,
+poor creature! said _Obadiah_. ----Poor creature! said my uncle _Toby_,
+vibrating the note back again, like a string in unison. Then ride the
+_Scotch_ horse, quoth my father hastily. --He cannot bear a saddle upon
+his back, quoth _Obadiah_, for the whole world. ----The devil's in that
+horse; then take PATRIOT, cried my father, and shut the door.
+----PATRIOT is sold, said _Obadiah_. Here's for you! cried my father,
+making a pause, and looking in my uncle _Toby's_ face, as if the thing
+had not been a matter of fact. --Your worship ordered me to sell him
+last _April_, said _Obadiah_. --Then go on foot for your pains, cried my
+father ----I had much rather walk than ride, said _Obadiah_, shutting
+the door.
+
+What plagues, cried my father, going on with his calculation. ----But
+the waters are out, said _Obadiah_, --opening the door again.
+
+Till that moment, my father, who had a map of _Sanson's_, and a book of
+the post-roads before him, had kept his hand upon the head of his
+compasses, with one foot of them fixed upon _Nevers_, the last stage he
+had paid for--purposing to go on from that point with his journey and
+calculation, as soon as _Obadiah_ quitted the room: but this second
+attack of _Obadiah's_, in opening the door and laying the whole country
+under water, was too much. ----He let go his compasses--or rather with a
+mixed motion between accident and anger, he threw them upon the table;
+and then there was nothing for him to do, but to return back to _Calais_
+(like many others) as wise as he had set out.
+
+When the letter was brought into the parlour, which contained the news
+of my brother's death, my father had got forwards again upon his journey
+to within a stride of the compasses of the very same stage of _Nevers_.
+----By your leave, Mons. _Sanson_, cried my father, striking the point
+of his compasses through _Nevers_ into the table--and nodding to my
+uncle _Toby_ to see what was in the letter--twice of one night, is too
+much for an _English_ gentleman and his son, Mons. _Sanson_, to be
+turned back from so lousy a town as _Nevers_ --What think'st thou,
+_Toby?_ added my father in a sprightly tone. ----Unless it be a garrison
+town, said my uncle _Toby_----for then ----I shall be a fool, said my
+father, smiling to himself, as long as I live. --So giving a second
+nod--and keeping his compasses still upon _Nevers_ with one hand, and
+holding his book of the post-roads in the other--half calculating and
+half listening, he leaned forwards upon the table with both elbows, as
+my uncle _Toby_ hummed over the letter.
+
+          ----      ----      ----      ----      ----      ----
+  ----     ----      ----      ----      ----      ----     ----
+  ----      ----      ----      ----      ----      ----    ----
+---- ---- ---- --he's gone! said my uncle _Toby_. ----Where ----Who?
+cried my father. ----My nephew, said my uncle _Toby_. ----What--without
+leave--without money--without governor? cried my father in amazement.
+No: ----he is dead, my dear brother, quoth my uncle _Toby_. --Without
+being ill? cried my father again. --I dare say not, said my uncle
+_Toby_, in a low voice, and fetching a deep sigh from the bottom of his
+heart, he has been ill enough, poor lad! I'll answer for him----for he
+is dead.
+
+When _Agrippina_ was told of her son's death, _Tacitus_ informs us,
+that, not being able to moderate the violence of her passions, she
+abruptly broke off her work. --My father stuck his compasses into
+_Nevers_, but so much the faster. --What contrarieties! his, indeed, was
+matter of calculation! --_Agrippina's_ must have been quite a different
+affair; who else could pretend to reason from history?
+
+How my father went on, in my opinion, deserves a chapter to itself.--
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+---- ----And a chapter it shall have, and a devil of a one too--so look
+to yourselves.
+
+'Tis either _Plato_, or _Plutarch_, or _Seneca_, or _Xenophon_, or
+_Epictetus_, or _Theophrastus_, or _Lucian_--or some one perhaps of
+later date--either _Cardan_, or _Budćus_, or _Petrarch_, or _Stella_--or
+possibly it may be some divine or father of the church, St. _Austin_, or
+St. _Cyprian_, or _Barnard_, who affirms that it is an irresistible and
+natural passion to weep for the loss of our friends or children--and
+_Seneca_ (I'm positive) tells us somewhere, that such griefs evacuate
+themselves best by that particular channel --And accordingly we find,
+that _David_ wept for his son _Absalom_--_Adrian_ for his
+_Antinous_--_Niobe_ for her children, and that _Apollodorus_ and _Crito_
+both shed tears for _Socrates_ before his death.
+
+My father managed his affliction otherwise; and indeed differently from
+most men either ancient or modern; for he neither wept it away, as the
+_Hebrews_ and the _Romans_--or slept it off, as the _Laplanders_--or
+hanged it, as the _English_, or drowned it, as the _Germans_--nor did he
+curse it, or damn it, or excommunicate it, or rhyme it, or lillabullero
+it.----
+
+----He got rid of it, however.
+
+Will your worships give me leave to squeeze in a story between these two
+pages?
+
+When _Tully_ was bereft of his dear daughter _Tullia_, at first he laid
+it to his heart, --he listened to the voice of nature, and modulated his
+own unto it. --O my _Tullia!_ my daughter! my child! --still, still,
+still, --'twas O my _Tullia!_--my _Tullia!_ Methinks I see my _Tullia_,
+I hear my _Tullia_, I talk with my _Tullia_. --But as soon as he began
+to look into the stores of philosophy, and consider how many excellent
+things might be said upon the occasion--nobody upon earth can conceive,
+says the great orator, how happy, how joyful it made me.
+
+My father was as proud of his eloquence as MARCUS TULLIUS CICERO could
+be for his life, and, for aught I am convinced of to the contrary at
+present, with as much reason: it was indeed his strength--and his
+weakness too. ----His strength--for he was by nature eloquent; and his
+weakness--for he was hourly a dupe to it; and, provided an occasion in
+life would but permit him to shew his talents, or say either a wise
+thing, a witty, or a shrewd one--(bating the case of a systematic
+misfortune)--he had all he wanted. --A blessing which tied up my
+father's tongue, and a misfortune which let it loose with a good grace,
+were pretty equal: sometimes, indeed, the misfortune was the better of
+the two; for instance, where the pleasure of the harangue was as _ten_,
+and the pain of the misfortune but as _five_--my father gained half in
+half, and consequently was as well again off, as if it had never
+befallen him.
+
+This clue will unravel what otherwise would seem very inconsistent in my
+father's domestic character; and it is this, that, in the provocations
+arising from the neglects and blunders of servants, or other mishaps
+unavoidable in a family, his anger or rather the duration of it,
+eternally ran counter to all conjecture.
+
+My father had a favourite little mare, which he had consigned over to a
+most beautiful Arabian horse, in order to have a pad out of her for his
+own riding: he was sanguine in all his projects; so talked about his pad
+every day with as absolute a security, as if it had been reared, broke,
+--and bridled and saddled at his door ready for mounting. By some
+neglect or other in _Obadiah_, it so fell out, that my father's
+expectations were answered with nothing better than a mule, and as ugly
+a beast of the kind as ever was produced.
+
+My mother and my uncle _Toby_ expected my father would be the death of
+_Obadiah_--and that there never would be an end of the disaster. ----See
+here! you rascal, cried my father, pointing to the mule, what you have
+done! ----It was not me, said _Obadiah_. ----How do I know that? replied
+my father.
+
+Triumph swam in my father's eyes, at the repartee--the _Attic_ salt
+brought water into them--and so _Obadiah_ heard no more about it.
+
+Now let us go back to my brother's death.
+
+Philosophy has a fine saying for everything. --For _Death_ it has an
+entire set; the misery was, they all at once rushed into my father's
+head, that 'twas difficult to string them together, so as to make
+anything of a consistent show out of them. --He took them as they came.
+
+"'Tis an inevitable chance--the first statute in _Magna Charta_--it is
+an everlasting act of parliament, my dear brother, ----_All must die._
+
+"If my son could not have died, it had been matter of wonder, --not that
+he is dead.
+
+"Monarchs and princes dance in the same ring with us.
+
+"--_To die_, is the great debt and tribute due unto nature: tombs and
+monuments, which should perpetuate our memories, pay it themselves; and
+the proudest pyramid of them all, which wealth and science have erected,
+has lost its apex, and stands obtruncated in the traveller's horizon."
+(My father found he got great ease, and went on)-- "Kingdoms and
+provinces, and towns and cities, have they not their periods? and when
+those principles and powers, which at first cemented and put them
+together, have performed their several evolutions, they fall back."
+--Brother _Shandy_, said my uncle _Toby_, laying down his pipe at the
+word _evolutions_ --Revolutions, I meant, quoth my father, --by heaven!
+I meant revolutions, brother _Toby_--evolutions is nonsense. ----'Tis
+not nonsense, --said my uncle _Toby_. ----But is it not nonsense to
+break the thread of such a discourse upon such an occasion? cried my
+father--do not--dear _Toby_, continued he, taking him by the hand, do
+not--do not, I beseech thee, interrupt me at this crisis. ----My uncle
+_Toby_ put his pipe into his mouth.
+
+"Where is _Troy_ and _Mycenć_, and _Thebes_ and _Delos_, and
+_Persepolis_ and _Agrigentum?_" --continued my father, taking up his
+book of post-cards, which he had laid down. --"What is become, brother
+_Toby_, of _Nineveh_ and _Babylon_, of _Cizicum_ and _Mitylenć?_ The
+fairest towns that ever the sun rose upon, are now no more; the names
+only are left, and those (for many of them are wrong spelt) are falling
+themselves by piece-meals to decay, and in length of time will be
+forgotten, and involved with everything in a perpetual night: the world
+itself, brother _Toby_, must--must come to an end.
+
+"Returning out of _Asia_, when I sailed from _Ćgina_ towards _Megara_,"
+(_when can this have been? thought my uncle Toby_) "I began to view the
+country round about. _Ćgina_ was behind me, _Megara_ was before,
+_Pyrćus_ on the right hand, _Corinth_ on the left. --What flourishing
+towns now prostrate upon the earth! Alas! alas! said I to myself, that
+man should disturb his soul for the loss of a child, when so much as
+this lies awfully buried in his presence ----Remember, said I to myself
+again--remember thou art a man."--
+
+Now my uncle _Toby_ knew not that this last paragraph was an extract of
+_Servius Sulpicius's_ consolatory letter to _Tully_. --He had as little
+skill, honest man, in the fragments, as he had in the whole pieces of
+antiquity. --And as my father, whilst he was concerned in the _Turkey_
+trade, had been three or four different times in the _Levant_, in one of
+which he had staid a whole year and an half at _Zant_, my uncle _Toby_
+naturally concluded, that, in some one of these periods, he had taken a
+trip across the _Archipelago_ into _Asia_; and that all this sailing
+affair with _Ćgina_ behind, and _Megara_ before, and _Pyrćus_ on the
+right hand, &c., &c., was nothing more than the true course of my
+father's voyage and reflections. --'Twas certainly in his _manner_, and
+many an undertaking critic would have built two stories higher upon
+worse foundations. --And pray, brother, quoth my uncle _Toby_, laying
+the end of his pipe upon my father's hand in a kindly way of
+interruption--but waiting till he finished the account--what year of our
+Lord was this? --'Twas no year of our Lord, replied my father. --That's
+impossible, cried my uncle _Toby_. --Simpleton! said my father, --'twas
+forty years before Christ was born.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ had but two things for it; either to suppose his brother
+to be the wandering _Jew_, or that his misfortunes had disordered his
+brain. --"May the Lord God of heaven and earth protect him and restore
+him," said my uncle _Toby_, praying silently for my father, and with
+tears in his eyes.
+
+--My father placed the tears to a proper account, and went on with his
+harangue with great spirit.
+
+"There is not such great odds, brother _Toby_, betwixt good and evil, as
+the world imagines"----(this way of setting off, by the bye, was not
+likely to cure my uncle _Toby's_ suspicions.)---- "Labour, sorrow,
+grief, sickness, want, and woe, are the sauces of life." --Much good may
+it do them--said my uncle _Toby_ to himself.------
+
+"My son is dead! --so much the better; --'tis a shame in such a tempest
+to have but one anchor."
+
+"But he is gone for ever from us! --be it so. He is got from under the
+hands of his barber before he was bald--he is but risen from a feast
+before he was surfeited--from a banquet before he had got drunken."
+
+"The _Thracians_ wept when a child was born"--(and we were very near it,
+quoth my uncle _Toby_)-- "and feasted and made merry when a man went out
+of the world; and with reason. ----Death opens the gate of fame, and
+shuts the gate of envy after it, --it unlooses the chain of the captive,
+and puts the bondsman's task into another man's hands."
+
+"Shew me the man, who knows what life is, who dreads it, and I'll shew
+thee a prisoner who dreads his liberty."
+
+Is it not better, my dear brother _Toby_, (for mark--our appetites are
+but diseases)--is it not better not to hunger at all, than to eat? --not
+to thirst, than to take physic to cure it?
+
+Is it not better to be freed from cares and agues, from love and
+melancholy, and the other hot and cold fits of life, than, like a galled
+traveller, who comes weary to his inn, to be bound to begin his journey
+afresh?
+
+There is no terrour, brother _Toby_, in its looks, but what it borrows
+from groans and convulsions--and the blowing of noses and the wiping
+away of tears with the bottoms of curtains, in a dying man's room.
+--Strip it of these, what is it? --'Tis better in battle than in bed,
+said my uncle _Toby_. --Take away its herses, its mutes, and its
+mourning, --its plumes, scutcheons, and other mechanic aids --What is
+it? ----_Better in battle!_ continued my father, smiling, for he had
+absolutely forgot my brother _Bobby_--'tis terrible no way--for
+consider, brother _Toby_, --when we _are_--death is _not_; --and when
+death _is_--we are _not_. My uncle _Toby_ laid down his pipe to consider
+the proposition; my father's eloquence was too rapid to stay for any
+man--away it went, --and hurried my uncle _Toby's_ ideas along with
+it.----
+
+For this reason, continued my father, 'tis worthy to recollect how
+little alteration, in great men, the approaches of death have made.
+--_Vespasian_ died in a jest upon his close-stool--_Galba_ with a
+sentence--_Septimus Severus_ in a dispatch--_Tiberius_ in dissimulation,
+and _Cćsar Augustus_ in a compliment. --I hope 'twas a sincere
+one--quoth my uncle _Toby_.
+
+--'Twas to his wife, --said my father.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+----And lastly--for all the choice anecdotes which history can produce
+of this matter, continued my father, --this, like the gilded dome which
+covers in the fabric--crowns all.--
+
+'Tis of _Cornelius Gattus_, the prćtor--which, I dare say, brother
+_Toby_, you have read, --I dare say I have not, replied my uncle. ----He
+died, said my father, as *************** --And if it was with his wife,
+said my uncle _Toby_--there could be no hurt in it --That's more than I
+know--replied my father.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+My mother was going very gingerly in the dark along the passage which
+led to the parlour, as my uncle _Toby_ pronounced the word _wife_.
+--'Tis a shrill penetrating sound of itself, and _Obadiah_ had helped it
+by leaving the door a little a-jar, so that my mother heard enough of it
+to imagine herself the subject of the conversation; so laying the edge
+of her finger across her two lips--holding in her breath, and bending
+her head a little downwards, with a twist of her neck--(not towards the
+door, but from it, by which means her ear was brought to the chink)--she
+listened with all her powers: ----the listening slave, with the Goddess
+of Silence at his back, could not have given a finer thought for an
+intaglio.
+
+In this attitude I am determined to let her stand for five minutes: till
+I bring up the affairs of the kitchen (as _Rapin_ does those of the
+church) to the same period.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+Though in one sense, our family was certainly a simple machine, as it
+consisted of a few wheels; yet there was thus much to be said for it,
+that these wheels were set in motion by so many different springs, and
+acted one upon the other from such a variety of strange principles and
+impulses----that though it was a simple machine, it had all the honour
+and advantages of a complex one, ----and a number of as odd movements
+within it, as ever were beheld in the inside of a _Dutch_ silk-mill.
+
+Amongst these there was one, I am going to speak of, in which, perhaps,
+it was not altogether so singular, as in many others; and it was this,
+that whatever motion, debate, harangue, dialogue, project, or
+dissertation, was going forwards in the parlour, there was generally
+another at the same time, and upon the same subject, running parallel
+along with it in the kitchen.
+
+Now to bring this about, whenever an extraordinary message, or letter,
+was delivered in the parlour--or a discourse suspended till a servant
+went out--or the lines of discontent were observed to hang upon the
+brows of my father or mother--or, in short, when anything was supposed
+to be upon the tapis worth knowing or listening to, 'twas the rule to
+leave the door, not absolutely shut, but somewhat a-jar--as it stands
+just now, --which, under covert of the bad hinge (and that possibly
+might be one of the many reasons why it was never mended), it was not
+difficult to manage; by which means, in all these cases, a passage was
+generally left, not indeed as wide as the _Dardanelles_, but wide
+enough, for all that, to carry on as much of this wind-ward trade, as
+was sufficient to save my father the trouble of governing his house;
+--my mother at this moment stands profiting by it. --_Obadiah_ did the
+same thing, as soon as he had left the letter upon the table which
+brought the news of my brother's death, so that before my father had
+well got over his surprise, and entered upon this harangue, --had _Trim_
+got upon his legs, to speak his sentiments upon the subject.
+
+A curious observer of nature, had he been worth the inventory of all
+Job's stock--though by the by, _your curious observers are seldom worth
+a groat_--would have given the half of it, to have heard Corporal _Trim_
+and my father, two orators so contrasted by nature and education,
+haranguing over the same bier.
+
+My father--a man of deep reading--prompt memory--with _Cato_, and
+_Seneca_, and _Epictetus_, at his fingers ends.--
+
+The corporal--with nothing--to remember--of no deeper reading than his
+muster-roll--or greater names at his fingers end, than the contents of
+it.
+
+The one proceeding from period to period, by metaphor and allusion, and
+striking the fancy as he went along (as men of wit and fancy do) with
+the entertainment and pleasantry of his pictures and images.
+
+The other, without wit or antithesis, or point, or turn, this way or
+that; but leaving the images on one side, and the picture on the other,
+going straight forwards as nature could lead him, to the heart.
+O _Trim!_ would to heaven thou had'st a better historian! --would thy
+historian had a better pair of breeches! ----O ye critics! will nothing
+melt you?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+------My young master in _London_ is dead! said _Obadiah_.--
+
+------A green sattin night-gown of my mother's which had been twice
+scoured, was the first idea which _Obadiah's_ exclamation brought into
+_Susannah's_ head. --Well might _Locke_ write a chapter upon the
+imperfection of words. --Then, quoth _Susannah_, we must all go into
+mourning. --But note a second time: the word _mourning_, notwithstanding
+_Susannah_ made use of it herself--failed also of doing its office; it
+excited not one single idea, tinged either with grey or black, --all was
+green. ----The green sattin night-gown hung there still.
+
+--O! 'twill be the death of my poor mistress, cried _Susannah_. --My
+mother's whole wardrobe followed. --What a procession! her red damask,
+--her orange tawney, --her white and yellow lutestrings, --her brown
+taffata, --her bone-laced caps, her bed-gowns, and comfortable
+under-petticoats. --Not a rag was left behind. --"_No, --she will never
+look up again_," said _Susannah_.
+
+We had a fat, foolish scullion--my father, I think, kept her for her
+simplicity; --she had been all autumn struggling with a dropsy. --He is
+dead, said _Obadiah_, --he is certainly dead! --So am not I, said the
+foolish scullion.
+
+----Here is sad news, _Trim_, cried _Susannah_, wiping her eyes as
+_Trim_ stepp'd into the kitchen, --master _Bobby_ is dead and
+_buried_--the funeral was an interpolation of _Susannah's_--we shall
+have all to go into mourning, said _Susannah_.
+
+I hope not, said _Trim_. --You hope not! cried _Susannah_ earnestly.
+--The mourning ran not in _Trim's_ head, whatever it did in
+_Susannah's_. --I hope--said _Trim_, explaining himself, I hope in God
+the news is not true. --I heard the letter read with my own ears,
+answered _Obadiah_; and we shall have a terrible piece of work of it in
+stubbing the Ox-moor. --Oh! he's dead, said _Susannah_. --As sure, said
+the scullion, as I'm alive.
+
+I lament for him from my heart and my soul, said _Trim_, fetching a
+sigh. --Poor creature! --poor boy! --poor gentleman.
+
+--He was alive last _Whitsontide!_ said the coachman. --_Whitsontide!_
+alas! cried _Trim_, extending his right arm, and falling instantly into
+the same attitude in which he read the sermon, --what is _Whitsontide_,
+_Jonathan_ (for that was the coachman's name), or _Shrovetide_, or any
+tide or time past, to this? Are we not here now, continued the corporal
+(striking the end of his stick perpendicularly upon the floor, so as to
+give an idea of health and stability)--and are we not--(dropping his hat
+upon the ground) gone! in a moment! --'Twas infinitely striking!
+_Susannah_ burst into a flood of tears. --We are not stocks and stones.
+--_Jonathan_, _Obadiah_, the cook-maid, all melted. --The foolish fat
+scullion herself, who was scouring a fish-kettle upon her knees, was
+rous'd with it. --The whole kitchen crowded about the corporal.
+
+Now, as I perceive plainly, that the preservation of our constitution in
+church and state, --and possibly the preservation of the whole world--or
+what is the same thing, the distribution and balance of its property and
+power, may in time to come depend greatly upon the right understanding
+of this stroke of the corporal's eloquence --I do demand your
+attention--your worships and reverences, for any ten pages together,
+take them where you will in any other part of the work, shall sleep for
+it at your ease.
+
+I said, "we were not stocks and stones"--'tis very well. I should have
+added, nor are we angels, I wish we were, --but men clothed with bodies,
+and governed by our imaginations; --and what a junketing piece of work
+of it there is, betwixt these and our seven senses, especially some of
+them, for my own part, I own it, I am ashamed to confess. Let it suffice
+to affirm, that of all the senses, the eye (for I absolutely deny the
+touch, though most of your _Barbati_, I know, are for it) has the
+quickest commerce with the soul, --gives a smarter stroke, and leaves
+something more inexpressible upon the fancy, than words can either
+convey--or sometimes, get rid of.
+
+--I've gone a little about--no matter, 'tis for health--let us only
+carry it back in our mind to the mortality of _Trim's_ hat. --"Are we
+not here now, --and gone in a moment?" --There was nothing in the
+sentence--'twas one of your self-evident truths we have the advantage of
+hearing every day; and if _Trim_ had not trusted more to his hat than
+his head--he had made nothing at all of it.
+
+------"Are we not here now;" continued the corporal, "and are we
+not"--(dropping his hat plump upon the ground--and pausing, before he
+pronounced the word)-- "gone! in a moment?" The descent of the hat was
+as if a heavy lump of clay had been kneeded into the crown of it.
+----Nothing could have expressed the sentiment of mortality, of which it
+was the type and fore-runner, like it, --his hand seemed to vanish from
+under it, --it fell dead, --the corporal's eye fixed upon it, as upon a
+corpse, --and _Susannah_ burst into a flood of tears.
+
+Now --Ten thousand, and ten thousand times ten thousand (for matter and
+motion are infinite) are the ways by which a hat may be dropped upon the
+ground, without any effect. ----Had he flung it, or thrown it, or cast
+it, or skimmed it, or squirted it, or let it slip or fall in any
+possible direction under heaven, --or in the best direction that could
+be given to it, --had he dropped it like a goose--like a puppy--like an
+ass--or in doing it, or even after he had done, had he looked like a
+fool--like a ninny--like a nincompoop--it had fail'd, and the effect
+upon the heart had been lost.
+
+Ye who govern this mighty world and its mighty concerns with the
+_engines_ of eloquence, --who heat it, and cool it, and melt it, and
+mollify it, ----and then harden it again to _your purpose_----
+
+Ye who wind and turn the passions with this great windlass, and, having
+done it, lead the owners of them, whither ye think meet--
+
+Ye, lastly, who drive----and why not, Ye also who are driven, like
+turkeys to market with a stick and a red clout--meditate--meditate,
+I beseech you, upon _Trim's_ hat.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+Stay ----I have a small account to settle with the reader before _Trim_
+can go on with his harangue. --It shall be done in two minutes.
+
+Amongst many other book-debts, all of which I shall discharge in due
+time, --I own myself a debtor to the world for two items, --a chapter
+upon _chamber-maids and button-holes_, which, in the former part of my
+work, I promised and fully intended to pay off this year: but some of
+your worships and reverences telling me, that the two subjects,
+especially so connected together, might endanger the morals of the
+world, --I pray the chapter upon chamber-maids and button-holes may be
+forgiven me, --and that they will accept of the last chapter in lieu of
+it; which is nothing, an't please your reverences, but a chapter of
+_chamber-maids, green gowns, and old hats_.
+
+_Trim_ took his off the ground, --put it upon his head, --and then went
+on with his oration upon death, in manner and form following.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+------To us, _Jonathan_, who know not what want or care is--who live
+here in the service of two of the best of masters--(bating in my own
+case his majesty King _William_ the Third, whom I had the honour to
+serve both in _Ireland_ and _Flanders_) --I own it, that from
+_Whitsontide_ to within three weeks of _Christmas_, --'tis not
+long--'tis like nothing; --but to those, _Jonathan_, who know what death
+is, and what havock and destruction he can make, before a man can well
+wheel about--'tis like a whole age. --O _Jonathan!_ 'twould make a
+good-natured man's heart bleed, to consider, continued the corporal
+(standing perpendicularly), how low many a brave and upright fellow has
+been laid since that time! --And trust me, _Susy_, added the corporal,
+turning to _Susannah_, whose eyes were swimming in water, --before that
+time comes round again, --many a bright eye will be dim. --_Susannah_
+placed it to the right side of the page--she wept--but she court'sied
+too. --Are we not, continued _Trim_, looking still at _Susannah_ --are
+we not like a flower of the field--a tear of pride stole in betwixt
+every two tears of humiliation--else no tongue could have described
+_Susannah's_ affliction--is not all flesh grass? --'Tis clay, --'tis
+dirt. --They all looked directly at the scullion, --the scullion had
+just been scouring a fish-kettle. --It was not fair.----
+
+--What is the finest face that ever man looked at! --I could hear _Trim_
+talk so for ever, cried _Susannah_, --what is it! (_Susannah_ laid her
+hand upon _Trim's_ shoulder)--but corruption? ----_Susannah_ took it
+off.
+
+Now I love you for this--and 'tis this delicious mixture within you
+which makes you dear creatures what you are--and he who hates you for
+it------all I can say of the matter is --That he has either a pumpkin
+for his head--or a pippin for his heart, --and whenever he is dissected
+'twill be found so.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+Whether _Susannah_, by taking her hand too suddenly from off the
+corporal's shoulder (by the whisking about of her passions)----broke a
+little the chain of his reflexions----
+
+Or whether the corporal began to be suspicious, he had got into the
+doctor's quarters, and was talking more like the chaplain than
+himself------
+
+Or whether - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Or
+whether----for in all such cases a man of invention and parts may with
+pleasure fill a couple of pages with suppositions----which of all these
+was the cause, let the curious physiologist, or the curious anybody
+determine----'tis certain, at least, the corporal went on thus with his
+harangue.
+
+For my own part, I declare it, that out of doors, I value not death at
+all: --not this ... added the corporal, snapping his fingers, --but with
+an air which no one but the corporal could have given to the sentiment.
+--In battle, I value death not this . . . and let him not take me
+cowardly, like poor _Joe Gibbins_, in scouring his gun --What is he?
+A pull of a trigger--a push of a bayonet an inch this way or that--makes
+the difference. --Look along the line--to the right--see! _Jack's_ down!
+well, --'tis worth a regiment of horse to him. --No--'tis _Dick_. Then
+_Jack's_ no worse. --Never mind which, --we pass on, --in hot pursuit
+the wound itself which brings him is not felt, --the best way is to
+stand up to him, --the man who flies, is in ten times more danger than
+the man who marches up into his jaws. --I've look'd him, added the
+corporal, an hundred times in the face, --and know what he is. --He's
+nothing, _Obadiah_, at all in the field. --But he's very frightful in a
+house, quoth _Obadiah_. ----I never mind it myself, said _Jonathan_,
+upon a coach-box. --It must, in my opinion, be most natural in bed,
+replied _Susannah_. --And could I escape him by creeping into the worst
+calf's skin that ever was made into a knapsack, I would do it
+there--said _Trim_--but that is nature.
+
+----Nature is nature, said _Jonathan_. --And that is the reason, cried
+_Susannah_, I so much pity my mistress. --She will never get the better
+of it. --Now I pity the captain the most of any one in the family,
+answered _Trim_. ----Madam will get ease of heart in weeping, --and the
+Squire in talking about it, --but my poor master will keep it all in
+silence to himself, --I shall hear him sigh in his bed for a whole month
+together, as he did for lieutenant _Le Fever_. --An' please your honour,
+do not sigh so piteously, I would say to him as I laid besides him.
+I cannot help it, _Trim_, my master would say, ----'tis so melancholy an
+accident --I cannot get it off my heart. --Your honour fears not death
+yourself. --I hope, _Trim_, I fear nothing, he would say, but the doing
+a wrong thing. ----Well, he would add, whatever betides, I will take
+care of _Le Fever's_ boy. --And with that, like a quieting draught, his
+honour would fall asleep.
+
+I like to hear _Trim's_ stories about the captain, said _Susannah_. --He
+is a kindly-hearted gentleman, said _Obadiah_, as ever lived. --Aye, and
+as brave a one too, said the corporal, as ever stept before a platoon.
+--There never was a better officer in the king's army, --or a better man
+in God's world; for he would march up to the mouth of a cannon, though
+he saw the lighted match at the very touch-hole, --and yet, for all
+that, he has a heart as soft as a child for other people. ----He would
+not hurt a chicken. ----I would sooner, quoth _Jonathan_, drive such a
+gentleman for seven pounds a year--than some for eight. --Thank thee,
+_Jonathan!_ for thy twenty shillings, --as much, _Jonathan_, said the
+corporal, shaking him by the hand, as if thou hadst put the money into
+my own pocket. ----I would serve him to the day of my death out of love.
+He is a friend and a brother to me, --and could I be sure my poor
+brother _Tom_ was dead, --continued the corporal, taking out his
+handkerchief, --was I worth ten thousand pounds, I would leave every
+shilling of it to the captain. ----_Trim_ could not refrain from tears
+at this testamentary proof he gave of his affection to his master.
+----The whole kitchen was affected. --Do tell us the story of the poor
+lieutenant, said _Susannah_. ----With all my heart, answered the
+corporal.
+
+_Susannah_, the cook, _Jonathan_, _Obadiah_, and corporal _Trim_, formed
+a circle about the fire; and as soon as the scullion had shut the
+kitchen door, --the corporal begun.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+I am a _Turk_ if I had not as much forgot my mother, as if Nature had
+plaistered me up, and set me down naked upon the banks of the river
+_Nile_, without one. ----Your most obedient servant, Madam --I've cost
+you a great deal of trouble, --I wish it may answer; --but you have left
+a crack in my back, --and here's a great piece fallen off here before,
+--and what must I do with this foot? ----I shall never reach _England_
+with it.
+
+For my own part, I never wonder at any thing; --and so often has my
+judgment deceived me in my life, that I always suspect it, right or
+wrong, --at least I am seldom hot upon cold subjects. For all this,
+I reverence truth as much as any body; and when it has slipped us, if a
+man will but take me by the hand, and go quietly and search for it, as
+for a thing we have both lost, and can neither of us do well without,
+--I'll go to the world's end with him: ----But I hate disputes, --and
+therefore (bating religious points, or such as touch society) I would
+almost subscribe to any thing which does not choak me in the first
+passage, rather than be drawn into one. ----But I cannot bear
+suffocation, ----and bad smells worst of all. ----For which reasons,
+I resolved from the beginning, That if ever the army of martyrs was to
+be augmented, --or a new one raised, --I would have no hand in it, one
+way or t'other.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+----But to return to my mother.
+
+
+My uncle _Toby's_ opinion, Madam, "that there could be no harm in
+_Cornelius Gallus_, the _Roman_ prćtor's lying with his wife;" ----or
+rather the last word of that opinion, --(for it was all my mother heard
+of it) caught hold of her by the weak part of the whole sex: ----You
+shall not mistake me, --I mean her curiosity, --she instantly concluded
+herself the subject of the conversation, and with that prepossession
+upon her fancy, you will readily conceive every word my father said, was
+accommodated either to herself, or her family concerns.
+
+----Pray, Madam, in what street does the lady live, who would not have
+done the same?
+
+From the strange mode of _Cornelius's_ death, my father had made a
+transition to that of _Socrates_, and was giving my uncle _Toby_ an
+abstract of his pleading before his judges; ----'twas irresistible:
+----not the oration of _Socrates_, --but my father's temptation to it.
+----He had wrote the Life of _Socrates_[5.1] himself the year before he
+left off trade, which, I fear, was the means of hastening him out of it;
+----so that no one was able to set out with so full a sail, and in so
+swelling a tide of heroic loftiness upon the occasion, as my father was.
+Not a period in _Socrates's_ oration, which closed with a shorter word
+than _transmigration_, or _annihilation_, --or a worse thought in the
+middle of it than _to be--or not to be_, --the entering upon a new and
+untried state of things, --or, upon a long, a profound and peaceful
+sleep, without dreams, without disturbance? ----_That we and our
+children were born to die, --but neither of us born to be slaves_.
+----No--there I mistake; that was part of _Eleazer's_ oration, as
+recorded by _Josephus_ (_de Bell. Judaic._)----_Eleazer_ owns he had it
+from the philosophers of _India_; in all likelihood _Alexander_ the
+Great, in his irruption into _India_, after he had over-run _Persia_,
+amongst the many things he stole, --stole that sentiment also; by which
+means it was carried, if not all the way by himself (for we all know he
+died at _Babylon_), at least by some of his maroders, into _Greece_,
+--from _Greece_ it got to _Rome_, --from _Rome_ to _France_, --and from
+_France_ to _England_: ----So things come round.----
+
+By land carriage, I can conceive no other way.----
+
+By water the sentiment might easily have come down the _Ganges_ into the
+_Sinus Gangeticus_, or _Bay of Bengal_, and so into the _Indian Sea_;
+and following the course of trade (the way from _India_ by the _Cape of
+Good Hope_ being then unknown), might be carried with other drugs and
+spices up the _Red Sea_ to _Joddah_, the port of _Mekka_, or else to
+_Tor_ or _Sues_, towns at the bottom of the gulf; and from thence by
+karrawans to _Coptos_, but three days' journey distant, so down the
+_Nile_ directly to _Alexandria_, where the SENTIMENT would be landed at
+the very foot of the great stair-case of the _Alexandrian_ library,
+----and from that store-house it would be fetched. ------Bless me! what
+a trade was driven by the learned in those days!
+
+    [Footnote 5.1: This book my father would never consent to
+    publish; 'tis in manuscript, with some other tracts of his, in
+    the family, all, or most of which will be printed in due time.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+----Now my father had a way, a little like that of _Job's_ (in case
+there ever was such a man----if not, there's an end of the matter.----
+
+Though, by the bye, because your learned men find some difficulty in
+fixing the precise ćra in which so great a man lived; --whether, for
+instance, before or after the patriarchs, &c. ----to vote, therefore,
+that he never lived _at all_, is a little cruel, --'tis not doing as
+they would be done by, --happen that as it may) ----My father, I say,
+had a way, when things went extremely wrong with him, especially upon
+the first sally of his impatience, --of wondering why he was begot,
+--wishing himself dead; --sometimes worse: ----And when the provocation
+ran high, and grief touched his lips with more than ordinary
+powers --Sir, you scarce could have distinguished him from _Socrates_
+himself. ----Every word would breathe the sentiments of a soul
+disdaining life, and careless about all its issues; for which reason,
+though my mother was a woman of no deep reading, yet the abstract of
+_Socrates's_ oration, which my father was giving my uncle _Toby_, was
+not altogether new to her. --She listened to it with composed
+intelligence, and would have done so to the end of the chapter, had not
+my father plunged (which he had no occasion to have done) into that part
+of the pleading where the great philosopher reckons up his connections,
+his alliances, and children; but renounces a security to be so won by
+working upon the passions of his judges. --"I have friends --I have
+relations, --I have three desolate children," --says _Socrates_.--
+
+----Then, cried my mother, opening the door, ----you have one more, Mr.
+_Shandy_, than I know of.
+
+By heaven! I have one less, --said my father, getting up and walking out
+of the room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+----They are _Socrates's_ children, said my uncle _Toby_. He has been
+dead a hundred years ago, replied my mother.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ was no chronologer--so not caring to advance one step
+but upon safe ground, he laid down his pipe deliberately upon the table,
+and rising up, and taking my mother most kindly by the hand, without
+saying another word, either good or bad, to her, he led her out after my
+father, that he might finish the ecclaircissement himself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+Had this volume been a farce, which, unless every one's life and
+opinions are to be looked upon as a farce as well as mine, I see no
+reason to suppose--the last chapter, Sir, had finished the first act of
+it, and then this chapter must have set off thus.
+
+Ptr..r..r..ing--twing--twang--prut--trut----'tis a cursed bad fiddle.
+--Do you know whether my fiddle's in tune or no? --trut..prut.. --They
+should be _fifths_. ----'Tis wickedly strung--tr...a.e.i.o.u.-twang.
+--The bridge is a mile too high, and the sound post absolutely down,
+--else--trut . . prut--hark! 'tis not so bad a tone. --Diddle diddle,
+diddle diddle, diddle diddle, dum. There is nothing in playing before
+good judges, --but there's a man there--no--not him with the bundle
+under his arm--the grave man in black. --'Sdeath! not the gentleman with
+the sword on. --Sir, I had rather play a _Caprichio_ to _Calliope_
+herself, than draw my bow across my fiddle before that very man; and yet
+I'll stake my _Cremona_ to a _Jew's_ trump, which is the greatest
+musical odds that ever were laid, that I will this moment stop three
+hundred and fifty leagues out of tune upon my fiddle, without punishing
+one single nerve that belongs to him --Twaddle diddle, tweddle diddle,
+--twiddle diddle, ----twoddle diddle, --twuddle diddle, ----prut
+trut--krish--krash--krush. --I've undone you, Sir, --but you see he's no
+worse, --and was _Apollo_ to take his fiddle after me, he can make him
+no better.
+
+Diddle diddle, diddle diddle, diddle diddle--hum--dum--drum.
+
+--Your worships and your reverences love music--and God has made you all
+with good ears--and some of you play delightfully yourselves--trut-prut,
+--prut-trut.
+
+O! there is--whom I could sit and hear whole days, --whose talents lie
+in making what he fiddles to be felt, --who inspires me with his joys
+and hopes, and puts the most hidden springs of my heart into motion.
+--If you would borrow five guineas of me, Sir, --which is generally ten
+guineas more than I have to spare--or you Messrs. Apothecary and Taylor,
+want your bills paying, --that's your time.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+The first thing which entered my father's head, after affairs were a
+little settled in the family, and _Susannah_ had got possession of my
+mother's green sattin night-gown, --was to sit down coolly, after the
+example of _Xenophon_, and write a TRISTRA-pćdia, or system of education
+for me; collecting first for that purpose his own scattered thoughts,
+counsels, and notions; and binding them together, so as to form an
+INSTITUTE for the government of my childhood and adolescence. I was my
+father's last stake--he had lost my brother _Bobby_ entirely, --he had
+lost, by his own computation, full three-fourths of me--that is, he had
+been unfortunate in his three first great casts for me--my geniture,
+nose, and name, --there was but this one left; and accordingly my father
+gave himself up to it with as much devotion as ever my uncle _Toby_ had
+done to his doctrine of projectils. --The difference between them was,
+that my uncle _Toby_ drew his whole knowledge of projectils from
+_Nicholas Tartaglia_ --My father spun his, every thread of it, out of
+his own brain, --or reeled and cross-twisted what all other spinners and
+spinsters had spun before him, that 'twas pretty near the same torture
+to him.
+
+In about three years, or something more, my father had got advanced
+almost into the middle of his work. --Like all other writers, he met
+with disappointments. --He imagined he should be able to bring whatever
+he had to say, into so small a compass, that when it was finished and
+bound, it might be rolled up in my mother's hussive. --Matter grows
+under our hands. --Let no man say, --"Come --I'll write a duodecimo."
+
+My father gave himself up to it, however, with the most painful
+diligence, proceeding step by step in every line, with the same kind of
+caution and circumspection (though I cannot say upon quite so religious
+a principle) as was used by _John de la Casse_, the lord archbishop of
+_Benevento_, in compassing his _Galatea_; in which his Grace of
+_Benevento_ spent near forty years of his life; and when the thing came
+out, it was not of above half the size or the thickness of a _Rider's_
+Almanack. --How the holy man managed the affair, unless he spent the
+greatest part of his time in combing his whiskers, or playing at
+_primero_ with his chaplain, --would pose any mortal not let into the
+true secret; --and therefore 'tis worth explaining to the world, was it
+only for the encouragement of those few in it, who write not so much to
+be fed--as to be famous.
+
+I own had _John de la Casse_, the archbishop of _Benevento_, for whose
+memory (notwithstanding his _Galatea_) I retain the highest veneration,
+--had he been, Sir, a slender clerk--of dull wit--slow parts--costive
+head, and so forth, --he and his _Galatea_ might have jogged on together
+to the age of _Methuselah_ for me, --the phćnomenon had not been worth a
+parenthesis.--
+
+But the reverse of this was the truth: _John de la Casse_ was a genius
+of fine parts and fertile fancy; and yet with all these advantages of
+nature, which should have pricked him forwards with his _Galatea_, he
+lay under an impuissance at the same time of advancing above a line and
+a half in the compass of a whole summer's day: this disability in his
+Grace arose from an opinion he was afflicted with, --which opinion was
+this, --_viz._ that whenever a Christian was writing a book (not for his
+private amusement, but) where his intent and purpose was, _bonâ fide_,
+to print and publish it to the world, his first thoughts were always the
+temptations of the evil one. --This was the state of ordinary writers:
+but when a personage of venerable character and high station, either in
+church or state, once turned author, --he maintained, that from the very
+moment he took pen in hand--all the devils in hell broke out of their
+holes to cajole him. --'Twas Term-time with them, --every thought, first
+and last, was captious; --how specious and good soever, --'twas all one;
+--in whatever form or colour it presented itself to the imagination,
+--'twas still a stroke of one or other of 'em levell'd at him, and was
+to be fenced off. --So that the life of a writer, whatever he might
+fancy to the contrary, was not so much a state of _composition_, as a
+state of _warfare_; and his probation in it, precisely that of any other
+man militant upon earth, --both depending alike, not half so much upon
+the degrees of his WIT--as his RESISTANCE.
+
+My father was hugely pleased with this theory of _John de la Casse_,
+archbishop of _Benevento_; and (had it not cramped him a little in his
+creed) I believe would have given ten of the best acres in the _Shandy_
+estate, to have been the broacher of it. --How far my father actually
+believed in the devil, will be seen, when I come to speak of my father's
+religious notions, in the progress of this work: 'tis enough to say
+here, as he could not have the honour of it, in the literal sense of the
+doctrine--he took up with the allegory of it; and would often say,
+especially when his pen was a little retrograde, there was as much good
+meaning, truth, and knowledge, couched under the veil of _John de la
+Casse's_ parabolical representation, --as was to be found in any one
+poetic fiction or mystic record of antiquity. --Prejudice of education,
+he would say, _is the devil_, --and the multitudes of them which we suck
+in with our mother's milk--_are the devil and all_. ----We are haunted
+with them, brother _Toby_, in all our lucubrations and researches; and
+was a man fool enough to submit tamely to what they obtruded upon him,
+--what would his book be? Nothing, --he would add, throwing his pen away
+with a vengeance, --nothing but a farrago of the clack of nurses, and of
+the nonsense of the old women (of both sexes) throughout the kingdom.
+
+This is the best account I am determined to give of the slow progress my
+father made in his _Tristra-pćdia_; at which (as I said) he was three
+years, and something more, indefatigably at work, and, at last, had
+scarce completed, by his own reckoning, one half of his undertaking: the
+misfortune was, that I was all that time totally neglected and abandoned
+to my mother: and what was almost as bad, by the very delay, the first
+part of the work, upon which my father had spent the most of his pains,
+was rendered entirely useless, ----every day a page or two became of no
+consequence.----
+
+----Certainly it was ordained as a scourge upon the pride of human
+wisdom, That the wisest of us all should thus outwit ourselves, and
+eternally forego our purposes, in the intemperate act of pursuing them.
+
+In short, my father was so long in all his acts of resistance, --or in
+other words, --he advanced so very slow with his work, and I began to
+live and get forwards at such a rate, that if an event had not happened,
+----which, when we get to it, if it can be told with decency, shall not
+be concealed a moment from the reader ----I verily believe, I had put by
+my father, and left him drawing a sun-dial, for no better purpose than
+to be buried underground.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+----'Twas nothing, --I did not lose two drops of blood by it----
+----'twas not worth calling in a surgeon, had he lived next door to
+us----thousands suffer by choice, what I did by accident. ----Doctor
+_Slop_ made ten times more of it, than there was occasion: ----some men
+rise, by the art of hanging great weights upon small wires, --and I am
+this day (_August_ the 10th, 1761) paying part of the price of this
+man's reputation. ----O 'twould provoke a stone, to see how things are
+carried on in this world! ----The chamber-maid had left no ******* ***
+under the bed: ----Cannot you contrive, master, quoth _Susannah_,
+lifting up the sash with one hand, as she spoke, and helping me up into
+the window-seat with the other, --cannot you manage, my dear, for a
+single time, to **** *** ** *** ******?
+
+I was five years old. ----_Susannah_ did not consider that nothing was
+well hung in our family, ----so slap came the sash down like lightning
+upon us; --Nothing is left, --cried _Susannah_, --nothing is left--for
+me, but to run my country.----
+
+My uncle _Toby's_ house was a much kinder sanctuary; and so _Susannah_
+fled to it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+When _Susannah_ told the corporal the misadventure of the sash, with all
+the circumstances which attended the _murder_ of me, --(as she
+called it)-- the blood forsook his cheeks, --all accessaries in murder
+being principals, --_Trim's_ conscience told him he was as much to blame
+as _Susannah_, --and if the doctrine had been true, my uncle _Toby_ had
+as much of the bloodshed to answer for to heaven, as either of 'em; --so
+that neither reason or instinct, separate or together, could possibly
+have guided _Susannah's_ steps to so proper an asylum. It is in vain to
+leave this to the Reader's imagination: --to form any kind of hypothesis
+that will render these propositions feasible, he must cudgel his brains
+sore, --and to do it without, --he must have such brains as no reader
+ever had before him. ----Why should I put them either to trial or to
+torture? 'Tis my own affair: I'll explain it myself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+'Tis a pity, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, resting with his hand upon
+the corporal's shoulder, as they both stood surveying their works,
+--that we have not a couple of field-pieces to mount in the gorge of
+that new redoubt; ----'twould secure the lines all along there, and make
+the attack on that side quite complete: ----get me a couple cast,
+_Trim_.
+
+Your honour shall have them, replied _Trim_, before to-morrow morning.
+
+It was the joy of _Trim's_ heart, --nor was his fertile head ever at a
+loss for expedients in doing it, to supply my uncle _Toby_ in his
+campaigns, with whatever his fancy called for; had it been his last
+crown, he would have sate down and hammered it into a paderero, to have
+prevented a single wish in his Master. The corporal had already, --what
+with cutting off the ends of my uncle _Toby's_ spouts--hacking and
+chiseling up the sides of his leaden gutters, --melting down his pewter
+shaving-bason, --and going at last, like _Lewis_ the Fourteenth, on to
+the top of the church, for spare ends, &c. ----he had that very campaign
+brought no less than eight new battering cannons, besides three
+demi-culverins, into the field; my uncle _Toby's_ demand for two more
+pieces for the redoubt, had set the corporal at work again; and no
+better resource offering, he had taken the two leaden weights from the
+nursery window: and as the sash pullies, when the lead was gone, were of
+no kind of use, he had taken them away also, to make a couple of wheels
+for one of their carriages.
+
+He had dismantled every sash-window in my uncle _Toby's_ house long
+before, in the very same way, --though not always in the same order; for
+sometimes the pullies have been wanted, and not the lead, --so then he
+began with the pullies, --and the pullies being picked out, then the
+lead became useless, --and so the lead went to pot too.
+
+----A great MORAL might be picked handsomely out of this, but I have not
+time--'tis enough to say, wherever the demolition began, 'twas equally
+fatal to the sash window.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+The corporal had not taken his measures so badly in this stroke of
+artilleryship, but that he might have kept the matter entirely to
+himself, and left _Susannah_ to have sustained the whole weight of the
+attack, as she could; --true courage is not content with coming off so.
+----The corporal, whether as general or comptroller of the train,
+--'twas no matter, ----had done that, without which, as he imagined, the
+misfortune could never have happened, --_at least in_ Susannah's
+_hands_; ----How would your honours have behaved? ----He determined at
+once, not to take shelter behind _Susannah_, --but to give it; and with
+this resolution upon his mind, he marched upright into the parlour, to
+lay the whole _manoeuvre_ before my uncle _Toby_.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ had just then been giving _Yorick_ an account of the
+battle of _Steenkirk_, and of the strange conduct of count _Solmes_ in
+ordering the foot to halt, and the horse to march where it could not
+act; which was directly contrary to the king's commands, and proved the
+loss of the day.
+
+There are incidents in some families so pat to the purpose of what is
+going to follow, --they are scarce exceeded by the invention of a
+dramatic writer; --I mean of ancient days.------
+
+_Trim_, by the help of his forefinger, laid flat upon the table, and the
+edge of his hand striking across it at right angles, made a shift to
+tell his story so, that priests and virgins might have listened to it;
+--and the story being told, --the dialogue went on as follows.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+----I would be picquetted to death, cried the corporal, as he concluded
+_Susannah's_ story, before I would suffer the woman to come to any harm,
+--'twas my fault, an' please your honour, --not hers.
+
+Corporal _Trim_, replied my uncle _Toby_, putting on his hat which lay
+upon the table, ----if anything can be said to be a fault, when the
+service absolutely requires it should be done, --'tis I certainly who
+deserve the blame, ----you obeyed your orders.
+
+Had count _Solmes_, _Trim_, done the same at the battle of _Steenkirk_,
+said _Yorick_, drolling a little upon the corporal, who had been run
+over by a dragoon in the retreat, ----he had saved thee; ----Saved!
+cried _Trim_, interrupting _Yorick_, and finishing the sentence for him
+after his own fashion, ----he had saved five battalions, an' please your
+reverence, every soul of them: ----there was _Cutts's_--continued the
+corporal, clapping the forefinger of his right hand upon the thumb of
+his left, and counting round his hand, ----there was _Cutts's_,
+----_Mackay's_, ----_Angus's_, ----_Graham's_, ----and _Leven's_, all
+cut to pieces; ----and so had the _English_ life-guards too, had it not
+been for some regiments upon the right, who marched up boldly to their
+relief, and received the enemy's fire in their faces, before any one of
+their own platoons discharged a musket, ----they'll go to heaven for it,
+--added _Trim_. --_Trim_ is right, said my uncle _Toby_, nodding to
+_Yorick_, ----he's perfectly right. What signified his marching the
+horse, continued the corporal, where the ground was so straight, that
+the _French_ had such a nation of hedges, and copses, and ditches, and
+fell'd trees laid this way and that to cover them; (as they always
+have). ----Count _Solmes_ should have sent us, ----we would have fired
+muzzle to muzzle with them for their lives. ----There was nothing to be
+done for the horse: ----he had his foot shot off however for his pains,
+continued the corporal, the very next campaign at _Landen_. --Poor
+_Trim_ got his wound there, quoth my uncle _Toby_. ----'Twas owing, an'
+please your honour, entirely to count _Solmes_, ----had he drubb'd them
+soundly at _Steenkirk_, they would not have fought us at _Landen_.
+----Possibly not, ----_Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_; ----though if they
+have the advantage of a wood, or you give them a moment's time to
+intrench themselves, they are a nation which will pop and pop for ever
+at you. ----There is no way but to march coolly up to them, ----receive
+their fire, and fall in upon them, pell-mell ----Ding dong, added _Trim_.
+----Horse and foot, said my uncle _Toby_. ----Helter skelter, said
+_Trim_. ----Right and left, cried my uncle _Toby_. ----Blood an' ounds,
+shouted the corporal; ----the battle raged, ----_Yorick_ drew his chair
+a little to one side for safety, and after a moment's pause, my uncle
+_Toby_ sinking his voice a note, --resumed the discourse as follows.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+King _William_, said my uncle _Toby_, addressing himself to _Yorick_,
+was so terribly provoked at count _Solmes_ for disobeying his orders,
+that he would not suffer him to come into his presence for many months
+after. ----I fear, answered _Yorick_, the squire will be as much
+provoked at the corporal, as the King at the count. ----But 'twould be
+singularly hard in this case, continued he, if corporal _Trim_, who has
+behaved so diametrically opposite to count _Solmes_, should have the
+fate to be rewarded with the same disgrace: ----too oft in this world,
+do things take that train. ----I would spring a mine, cried my uncle
+_Toby_, rising up, ----and blow up my fortifications, and my house with
+them, and we would perish under their ruins, ere I would stand by and
+see it. ----_Trim_ directed a slight, ----but a grateful bow towards his
+master, ----and so the chapter ends.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+----Then, _Yorick_, replied my uncle _Toby_, you and I will lead the way
+abreast, ----and do you, corporal, follow a few paces behind us. ----And
+_Susannah_, an' please your honour, said _Trim_, shall be put in the
+rear. ----'Twas an excellent disposition, --and in this order, without
+either drums beating, or colours flying, they marched slowly from my
+uncle _Toby's_ house to _Shandy-hall_.
+
+----I wish, said _Trim_, as they entered the door, --instead of the sash
+weights, I had cut off the church spout, as I once thought to have done.
+--You have cut off spouts enow, replied _Yorick_.----
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+
+As many pictures as have been given of my father, how like him soever in
+different airs and attitudes, --not one, or all of them, can ever help
+the reader to any kind of preconception of how my father would think,
+speak, or act, upon any untried occasion or occurrence of life. --There
+was that infinitude of oddities in him, and of chances along with it, by
+which handle he would take a thing, --it baffled, Sir, all calculations.
+----The truth was, his road lay so very far on one side, from that
+wherein most men travelled, --that every object before him presented a
+face and section of itself to his eye, altogether different from the
+plan and elevation of it seen by the rest of mankind. --In other words,
+'twas a different object, and in course was differently considered:
+
+This is the true reason, that my dear _Jenny_ and I, as well as all the
+world besides us, have such eternal squabbles about nothing. --She looks
+at her outside, --I, at her in--. How is it possible we should agree
+about her value?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+
+'Tis a point settled, --and I mention it for the comfort of
+_Confucius_,[5.2] who is apt to get entangled in telling a plain
+story--that provided he keeps along the line of his story, --he may go
+backwards and forwards as he will, --'tis still held to be no
+digression.
+
+This being premised, I take the benefit of the _act of going backwards_
+myself.
+
+    [Footnote 5.2: Mr. _Shandy_ is supposed to mean ******** ***
+    Esq.; member for ******, ----and not the _Chinese_ Legislator.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+
+Fifty thousand pannier loads of devils--(not of the Archbishop of
+_Benevento's_, --I mean of _Rabelais's_ devils) with their tails chopped
+off by their rumps, could not have made so diabolical a scream of it, as
+I did--when the accident befel me: it summoned up my mother instantly
+into the nursery, --so that _Susannah_ had but just time to make her
+escape down the back stairs, as my mother came up the fore.
+
+Now, though I was old enough to have told the story myself, --and young
+enough, I hope, to have done it without malignity; yet _Susannah_, in
+passing by the kitchen, for fear of accidents, had left it in shorthand
+with the cook--the cook had told it with a commentary to _Jonathan_, and
+_Jonathan_ to _Obadiah_; so that by the time my father had rung the bell
+half a dozen times, to know what was the matter above, --was _Obadiah_
+enabled to give him a particular account of it, just as it had happened.
+--I thought as much, said my father, tucking up his night-gown; --and so
+walked up stairs.
+
+One would imagine from this----(though for my own part I somewhat
+question it)--that my father, before that time, had actually wrote that
+remarkable character in the _Tristra-pćdia_, which to me is the most
+original and entertaining one in the whole book; --and that is the
+_chapter upon sash-windows_, with a bitter _Philippick_ at the end of
+it, upon the forgetfulness of chamber-maids. --I have but two reasons
+for thinking otherwise.
+
+First, Had the matter been taken into consideration, before the event
+happened, my father certainly would have nailed up the sash window for
+good an' all; --which, considering with what difficulty he composed
+books, --he might have done with ten times less trouble, than he could
+have wrote the chapter: this argument I foresee holds good against his
+writing a chapter, even after the event; but 'tis obviated under the
+second reason, which I have the honour to offer to the world in support
+of my opinion, that my father did not write the chapter upon
+sash-windows and chamber-pots, at the time supposed, --and it is this.
+
+----That, in order to render the _Tristra-pćdia_ complete, --I wrote the
+chapter myself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+
+My father put on his spectacles--looked, --took them off, --put them
+into the case--all in less than a statutable minute; and without opening
+his lips, turned about and walked precipitately down stairs: my mother
+imagined he had stepped down for lint and basilicon; but seeing him
+return with a couple of folios under his arm, and _Obadiah_ following
+him with a large reading-desk, she took it for granted 'twas an herbal,
+and so drew him a chair to the bedside, that he might consult upon the
+case at his ease.
+
+----If it be but right done, --said my father, turning to the
+_Section--de sede vel subjecto circumcisionis_, ----for he had brought
+up _Spenser de Legibus Hebrćorum Ritualibus_--and _Maimonides_, in order
+to confront and examine us altogether.--
+
+----If it be but right done, quoth he: --only tell us, cried my mother,
+interrupting him, what herbs? ----For that, replied my father, you must
+send for Dr. _Slop_.
+
+My mother went down, and my father went on, reading the section as
+follows,
+
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       * ------Very well, --said my father,
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *  --nay, if it has that convenience----and so without
+stopping a moment to settle it first in his mind, whether the _Jews_ had
+it from the _Egyptians_, or the _Egyptians_ from the _Jews_, --he rose
+up, and rubbing his forehead two or three times across with the palm of
+his hand, in the manner we rub out the footsteps of care, when evil has
+trod lighter upon us than we foreboded, --he shut the book, and walked
+down stairs. --Nay, said he, mentioning the name of a different great
+nation upon every step as he set his foot upon it--if the EGYPTIANS,
+--the SYRIANS, --the PHOENICIANS, --the ARABIANS, --the CAPPADOCIANS,
+----if the COLCHI, and TROGLODYTES did it----if SOLON and PYTHAGORAS
+submitted, --what is TRISTRAM? ----Who am I, that I should fret or fume
+one moment about the matter?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+
+Dear _Yorick_, said my father, smiling (for _Yorick_ had broke his rank
+with my uncle _Toby_ in coming through the narrow entry, and so had
+stept first into the parlour)--this _Tristram_ of ours, I find, comes
+very hardly by all his religious rites. --Never was the son of _Jew_,
+_Christian_, _Turk_, or _Infidel_ initiated into them in so oblique and
+slovenly a manner. --But he is no worse, I trust, said _Yorick_. --There
+has been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do in some
+part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was formed.
+--That, you are a better judge of than I, replied _Yorick_.
+--Astrologers, quoth my father, know better than us both: --the trine
+and sextil aspects have jumped awry, --or the opposite of their
+ascendants have not hit it, as they should, --or the lords of the
+genitures (as they call them) have been at _bo-peep_, --or something has
+been wrong above, or below with us.
+
+'Tis possible, answered _Yorick_. --But is the child, cried my uncle
+_Toby_, the worse? --The _Troglodytes_ say not, replied my father. And
+your theologists, _Yorick_, tell us --Theologically? said _Yorick_, --or
+speaking after the manner of apothecaries?[5.3]--statesmen?[5.4]--or
+washer-women?[5.5]
+
+----I'm not sure, replied my father, --but they tell us, brother _Toby_,
+he's the better for it. ----Provided, said _Yorick_, you travel him into
+_Egypt_. ----Of that, answered my father, he will have the advantage,
+when he sees the _Pyramids_.----
+
+Now every word of this, quoth my uncle _Toby_, is _Arabick_ to me. ----I
+wish, said _Yorick_, 'twas so, to half the world.
+
+----ILUS,[5.6] continued my father, circumcised his whole army one
+morning. --Not without a court martial? cried my uncle _Toby_.
+----Though the learned, continued he, taking no notice of my uncle
+_Toby's_ remark, but turning to _Yorick_, --are greatly divided still
+who _Ilus_ was; --some say _Saturn_; --some the Supreme Being; --others,
+no more than a brigadier general under _Pharaoh-neco_. ----Let him be
+who he will, said my uncle _Toby_, I know not by what article of war he
+could justify it.
+
+The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty different
+reasons for it: --others, indeed, who have drawn their pens on the
+opposite side of the question, have shewn the world the futility of the
+greatest part of them. --But then again, our best polemic divines --I
+wish there was not a polemic divine, said _Yorick_, in the kingdom;
+--one ounce of practical divinity--is worth a painted ship-load of all
+their reverences have imported these fifty years. --Pray, Mr. _Yorick_,
+quoth my uncle _Toby_, --do tell me what a polemic divine is? ----The
+best description, captain _Shandy_, I have ever read, is of a couple of
+'em, replied _Yorick_, in the account of the battle fought single hands
+betwixt _Gymnast_ and captain _Tripet_; which I have in my pocket. ----I
+beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle _Toby_ earnestly. --You shall, said
+_Yorick_. --And as the corporal is waiting for me at the door, --and I
+know the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than
+his supper, --I beg, brother, you'll give him leave to come in. --With
+all my soul, said my father. ----_Trim_ came in, erect and happy as an
+emperor; and having shut the door, _Yorick_ took a book from his
+right-hand coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows.
+
+    [Footnote 5.3: +Chalepęs nosou, kai dusiatou apallagęn, hęn
+    anthraka kalousin.+ --PHILO.]
+
+    [Footnote 5.4: +Ta temnomena tôn ethnôn polugonôtata, kai
+    poluanthrôpotata einai.+]
+
+    [Footnote 5.5: +Kathariotętos heineken.+ --BOCHART.]
+
+    [Footnote 5.6: +Ho Ilos, ta aidoia peritemnetai, tauto poięsai
+    kai tous ham' autô summachous katanankasas.+ --SANCHUNIATHO.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+
+----"which words being heard by all the soldiers which were there,
+divers of them being inwardly terrified, did shrink back and make room
+for the assailant: all this did _Gymnast_ very well remark and consider;
+and therefore, making as if he would have alighted from off his horse,
+as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly (with his
+short sword by his thigh) shifting his feet in the stirrup, and
+performing the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the inclining of his
+body downwards, he forthwith launched himself aloft into the air, and
+placed both his feet together upon the saddle, standing upright, with
+his back turned towards his horse's head, --Now (said he) my case goes
+forward. Then suddenly in the same posture wherein he was, he fetched a
+gambol upon one foot, and turning to the left-hand, failed not to carry
+his body perfectly round, just into his former position, without missing
+one jot. ----Ha! said _Tripet_, I will not do that at this time, --and
+not without cause. Well, said _Gymnast_, I have failed, --I will undo
+this leap; then with a marvellous strength and agility, turning towards
+the right-hand, he fetched another frisking gambol as before; which
+done, he set his right-hand thumb upon the bow of the saddle, raised
+himself up, and sprung into the air, poising and upholding his whole
+weight upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and
+whirled himself about three times: at the fourth, reversing his body,
+and overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without _touching
+anything_, he brought himself betwixt the horse's two ears, and then
+giving himself a jerking swing, he seated himself upon the crupper----"
+
+(This can't be fighting, said my uncle _Toby_. ----The corporal shook
+his head at it. ----Have patience, said _Yorick_.)
+
+"Then (_Tripet_) pass'd his right leg over his saddle, and placed
+himself _en croup_. --But, said he, 'twere better for me to get into the
+saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before
+him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only supporters of his
+body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, and strait
+found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a tolerable seat; then
+springing into the air with a summerset, he turned him about like a
+wind-mill, and made above a hundred frisks, turns, and demi-pommadas."
+--Good God! cried _Trim_, losing all patience, --one home thrust of a
+bayonet is worth it all. ----I think so too, replied _Yorick_.----
+
+I am of a contrary opinion, quoth my father.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+
+----No, --I think I have advanced nothing, replied my father, making
+answer to a question which _Yorick_ had taken the liberty to put to him,
+--I have advanced nothing in the _Tristra-pćdia_, but what is as clear
+as any one proposition in _Euclid_. --Reach me, _Trim_, that book from
+off the scrutoir: ----it has oft-times been in my mind, continued my
+father, to have read it over both to you, _Yorick_, and to my brother
+_Toby_, and I think it a little unfriendly in myself, in not having done
+it long ago: ----shall we have a short chapter or two now, --and a
+chapter or two hereafter, as occasions serve; and so on, till we get
+through the whole? My uncle _Toby_ and _Yorick_ made the obeisance which
+was proper; and the corporal, though he was not included in the
+compliment, laid his hand upon his breast, and made his bow at the same
+time. ----The company smiled. _Trim_, quoth my father, has paid the full
+price for staying out the _entertainment_. ----He did not seem to relish
+the play, replied _Yorick_. ----'Twas a Tom-fool-battle, an' please your
+reverence, of captain _Tripet's_ and that other officer, making so many
+summersets, as they advanced; ----the _French_ come on capering now and
+then in that way, --but not quite so much.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ never felt the consciousness of his existence with more
+complacency than what the corporal's, and his own reflections, made him
+do at that moment; ----he lighted his pipe, ----_Yorick_ drew his chair
+closer to the table, --_Trim_ snuff'd the candle, --my father stirr'd up
+the fire, --took up the book, --cough'd twice, and begun.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+
+The first thirty pages, said my father, turning over the leaves, --are a
+little dry; and as they are not closely connected with the subject,
+----for the present we'll pass them by: 'tis a prefatory introduction,
+continued my father, or an introductory preface (for I am not determined
+which name to give it) upon political or civil government; the
+foundation of which being laid in the first conjunction betwixt male and
+female, for procreation of the species ----I was insensibly led into it.
+----'Twas natural, said _Yorick_.
+
+The original of society, continued my father, I'm satisfied is, what
+_Politian_ tells us, _i.e._, merely conjugal; and nothing more than the
+getting together of one man and one woman; --to which, (according to
+_Hesiod_) the philosopher adds a servant: ----but supposing in the first
+beginning there were no men servants born----he lays the foundation of
+it, in a man, --a woman--and a bull. ----I believe 'tis an ox, quoth
+_Yorick_, quoting the passage (+oikon men prôtista, gunaika te, boun t'
+arotęra+). ----A bull must have given more trouble than his head was
+worth. ----But there is a better reason still, said my father (dipping
+his pen into his ink); for the ox being the most patient of animals, and
+the most useful withal in tilling the ground for their nourishment,
+--was the properest instrument, and emblem too, for the new joined
+couple, that the creation could have associated with them. --And there
+is a stronger reason, added my uncle _Toby_, than them all for the ox.
+--My father had not power to take his pen out of his ink-horn, till he
+had heard my uncle _Toby's_ reason. --For when the ground was tilled,
+said my uncle _Toby_, and made worth inclosing, then they began to
+secure it by walls and ditches, which was the origin of fortification.
+----True, true, dear _Toby_, cried my father, striking out the bull, and
+putting the ox in his place.
+
+My father gave _Trim_ a nod, to snuff the candle, and resumed his
+discourse.
+
+----I enter upon this speculation, said my father carelessly, and half
+shutting the book, as he went on, merely to shew the foundation of the
+natural relation between a father and his child; the right and
+jurisdiction over whom he acquires these several ways--
+
+1st, by marriage.
+
+2d, by adoption.
+
+3d, by legitimation.
+
+And 4th, by procreation; all which I consider in their order.
+
+I lay a slight stress upon one of them, replied _Yorick_----the act,
+especially where it ends there, in my opinion lays as little obligation
+upon the child, as it conveys power to the father. --You are wrong,
+--said my father argutely, and for this plain reason      *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       --I own, added my
+father, that the offspring, upon this account, is not so under the power
+and jurisdiction of the mother. --But the reason, replied _Yorick_,
+equally holds good for her. ----She is under authority herself, said my
+father: --and besides, continued my father, nodding his head, and laying
+his finger upon the side of his nose, as he assigned his reason, --_she
+is not the principal agent, _Yorick_._ --In what, quoth my uncle _Toby?_
+stopping his pipe. --Though by all means, added my father (not attending
+to my uncle _Toby_) "_The son ought to pay her respect_," as you may
+read, _Yorick_, at large in the first book of the Institutes of
+_Justinian_, at the eleventh title and the tenth section, --I can read
+it as well, replied _Yorick_, in the Catechism.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+
+Trim can repeat every word of it by heart, quoth my uncle _Toby_.
+--Pugh! said my father, not caring to be interrupted with _Trim's_
+saying his Catechism. He can, upon my honour, replied my uncle _Toby_.
+--Ask him, Mr. _Yorick_, any question you please.----
+
+--The fifth Commandment, _Trim_--said _Yorick_, speaking mildly, and
+with a gentle nod, as to a modest Catechumen. The corporal stood silent.
+--You don't ask him right, said my uncle _Toby_, raising his voice, and
+giving it rapidly like the word of command: ----The fifth--------cried
+my uncle _Toby_. --I must begin with the first, an' please your honour,
+said the corporal.----
+
+--_Yorick_ could not forbear smiling. --Your reverence does not
+consider, said the corporal, shouldering his stick like a musket, and
+marching into the middle of the room, to illustrate his position, --that
+'tis exactly the same thing, as doing one's exercise in the field.--
+
+"_Join your right-hand to your firelock_," cried the corporal, giving
+the word of command, and performing the motion.--
+
+"_Poise your firelock_," cried the corporal, doing the duty still both
+of adjutant and private man.
+
+"_Rest your firelock_;" --one motion, an' please your reverence, you see
+leads into another. --If his honour will begin but with the _first_--
+
+THE FIRST--cried my uncle _Toby_, setting his hand upon his side--
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SECOND--cried my uncle _Toby_, waving his tobacco-pipe, as he would
+have done his sword at the head of a regiment. --The corporal went
+through his _manual_ with exactness! and having _honoured his father and
+mother_, made a low bow, and fell back to the side of the room.
+
+Everything in this world, said my father, is big with jest, --and has
+wit in it, and instruction too, --if we can but find it out.
+
+--Here is the _scaffold work_ of INSTRUCTION, its true point of folly,
+without the BUILDING behind it.
+
+--Here is the glass for pedagogues, preceptors, tutors, governors,
+gerund-grinders, and bear-leaders, to view themselves in, in their true
+dimensions.--
+
+Oh! there is a husk and shell, _Yorick_, which grows up with learning,
+which their unskilfulness knows not how to fling away!
+
+--SCIENCES MAY BE LEARNED BY ROTE, BUT WISDOM NOT.
+
+_Yorick_ thought my father inspired. --I will enter into obligations
+this moment, said my father, to lay out all my aunt _Dinah's_ legacy in
+charitable uses (of which, by the bye, my father had no high opinion),
+if the corporal has any one determinate idea annexed to any one word he
+has repeated. --Prythee, _Trim_, quoth my father, turning round to him,
+--What dost thou mean, by "_honouring thy father and mother?_"
+
+Allowing them, an' please your honour, three half-pence a day out of my
+pay, when they grow old. --And didst thou do that, _Trim?_ said
+_Yorick_. --He did indeed, replied my uncle _Toby_. --Then, _Trim_, said
+_Yorick_, springing out of his chair, and taking the corporal by the
+hand, thou art the best commentator upon that part of the _Decalogue_;
+and I honour thee more for it, corporal _Trim_, than if thou hadst had a
+hand in the _Talmud_ itself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+
+
+O blessed health! cried my father, making an exclamation, as he turned
+over the leaves to the next chapter, thou art above all gold and
+treasure; 'tis thou who enlargest the soul, --and openest all its powers
+to receive instruction and to relish virtue. --He that has thee, has
+little more to wish for; --and he that is so wretched as to want thee,
+--wants everything with thee.
+
+I have concentrated all that can be said upon this important head, said
+my father, into a very little room, therefore we'll read the chapter
+quite through.
+
+My father read as follows:
+
+"The whole secret of health depending upon the due contention for
+mastery betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture" --You have
+proved that matter of fact, I suppose, above, said _Yorick_.
+Sufficiently, replied my father.
+
+In saying this, my father shut the book, --not as if he resolved to read
+no more of it, for he kept his forefinger in the chapter: ----nor
+pettishly, --for he shut the book slowly; his thumb resting, when he had
+done it, upon the upper-side of the cover, as his three fingers
+supported the lower side of it, without the least compressive
+violence.----
+
+I have demonstrated the truth of that point, quoth my father, nodding to
+_Yorick_, most sufficiently in the preceding chapter.
+
+Now could the man in the moon be told, that a man in the earth had wrote
+a chapter, sufficiently demonstrating, That the secret of all health
+depended upon the due contention for mastery betwixt the _radical heat_
+and the _radical moisture_, --and that he had managed the point so well,
+that there was not one single word wet or dry upon radical heat or
+radical moisture, throughout the whole chapter, --or a single syllable
+in it, _pro_ or _con_, directly or indirectly, upon the contention
+betwixt these two powers in any part of the animal oeconomy----
+
+"O thou eternal Maker of all beings!" --he would cry, striking his
+breast with his right hand (in case he had one)-- "Thou whose power and
+goodness can enlarge the faculties of thy creatures to this infinite
+degree of excellence and perfection, --What have we MOONITES done?"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+
+
+With two strokes, the one at _Hippocrates_, the other at Lord _Verulam_,
+did my father achieve it.
+
+The stroke at the prince of physicians, with which he began, was no more
+than a short insult upon his sorrowful complaint of the _Ars longa_,
+--and _Vita brevis_. ----Life short, cried my father, --and the art of
+healing tedious! And who are we to thank for both the one and the other,
+but the ignorance of quacks themselves, --and the stage-loads of
+chymical nostrums, and peripatetic lumber, with which, in all ages, they
+have first flatter'd the world, and at last deceived it?
+
+----O my lord _Verulam!_ cried my father, turning from _Hippocrates_,
+and making his second stroke at him, as the principal of
+nostrum-mongers, and the fittest to be made an example of to the rest,
+----What shall I say to thee, my great lord _Verulam?_ What shall I say
+to thy internal spirit, --thy opium, --thy salt-petre, ----thy greasy
+unctions, --thy daily purges, --thy nightly clysters, and succedaneums?
+
+----My father was never at a loss what to say to any man, upon any
+subject; and had the least occasion for the exordium of any man
+breathing: how he dealt with his lordship's opinion, ----you shall see;
+----but when --I know not; ----we must first see what his lordship's
+opinion was.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+
+
+"The two great causes, which conspire with each other to shorten life,
+says lord _Verulam_, are first----
+
+"The internal spirit, which, like a gentle flame, wastes the body down
+to death: --And secondly, the external air, that parches the body up to
+ashes: --which two enemies attacking us on both sides of our bodies
+together, at length destroy our organs, and render them unfit to carry
+on the functions of life."
+
+This being the state of the case, the road to Longevity was plain;
+nothing more being required, says his lordship, but to repair the waste
+committed by the internal spirit, by making the substance of it more
+thick and dense, by a regular course of opiates on one side, and by
+refrigerating the heat of it on the other, by three grains and a half of
+salt-petre every morning before you got up.----
+
+Still this frame of ours was left exposed to the inimical assaults of
+the air without; --but this was fenced off again by a course of greasy
+unctions, which so fully saturated the pores of the skin, that no
+spicula could enter; ----nor could any one get out. ----This put a stop
+to all perspiration, sensible and insensible, which being the cause of
+so many scurvy distempers--a course of clysters was requisite to carry
+off redundant humours, --and render the system complete.
+
+What my father had to say to my lord of _Verulam's_ opiates, his
+salt-petre, and greasy unctions and clysters, you shall read, --but not
+to-day--or to-morrow: time presses upon me, --my reader is impatient --I
+must get forwards. ----You shall read the chapter at your leisure
+(if you chuse it), as soon as ever the _Tristra-pćdia_ is
+published.----
+
+Sufficeth it at present, to say, my father levelled the hypothesis with
+the ground, and in doing that, the learned know, he built up and
+established his own.----
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI
+
+
+The whole secret of health, said my father, beginning the sentence
+again, depending evidently upon the due contention betwixt the radical
+heat and radical moisture within us; --the least imaginable skill had
+been sufficient to have maintained it, had not the schoolmen confounded
+the talk, merely (as _Van Helmont_, the famous chymist, has proved) by
+all along mistaking the radical moisture for the tallow and fat of
+animal bodies.
+
+Now the radical moisture is not the tallow or fat of animals, but an
+oily and balsamous substance; for the fat and tallow, as also the phlegm
+or watery parts, are cold; whereas the oily and balsamous parts are of a
+lively heat and spirit, which accounts for the observation of
+_Aristotle_, "_Quod omne animal post coitum est _triste_._"
+
+Now it is certain, that the radical heat lives in the radical moisture,
+but whether _vice versâ_, is a doubt: however, when the one decays, the
+other decays also; and then is produced, either an unnatural heat, which
+causes an unnatural dryness----or an unnatural moisture, which causes
+dropsies. ----So that if a child, as he grows up, can but be taught to
+avoid running into fire or water, as either of 'em threaten his
+destruction, ----'twill be all that is needful to be done upon that
+head.----
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII
+
+
+The description of the siege of _Jericho_ itself, could not have engaged
+the attention of my uncle _Toby_ more powerfully than the last chapter;
+--his eyes were fixed upon my father throughout it; --he never mentioned
+radical heat and radical moisture, but my uncle _Toby_ took his pipe out
+of his mouth, and shook his head; and as soon as the chapter was
+finished, he beckoned to the corporal to come close to his chair,
+to ask him the following question, --_aside_. ----  *       *
+    *       *       *       *       *       *       *  It was at
+the siege of _Limerick_, an' please your honour, replied the corporal,
+making a bow.
+
+The poor fellow and I, quoth my uncle _Toby_, addressing himself to my
+father, were scarce able to crawl out of our tents, at the time the
+siege of _Limerick_ was raised, upon the very account you mention.
+----Now what can have got into that precious noddle of thine, my dear
+brother _Toby?_ cried my father, mentally. ----By Heaven! continued he,
+communing still with himself, it would puzzle an _Oedipus_ to bring it in
+point.----
+
+I believe, an' please your honour, quoth the corporal, that if it had
+not been for the quantity of brandy we set fire to every night, and the
+claret and cinnamon with which I plyed your honour off; --And the
+geneva, _Trim_, added my uncle _Toby_, which did us more good than
+all ----I verily believe, continued the corporal, we had both, an' please
+your honour, left our lives in the trenches, and been buried in them
+too. ----The noblest grave, corporal! cried my uncle _Toby_, his eyes
+sparkling as he spoke, that a soldier could wish to lie down in. ----But
+a pitiful death for him! an' please your honour, replied the corporal.
+
+All this was as much _Arabick_ to my father, as the rites of the
+_Colchi_ and _Troglodites_ had been before to my uncle _Toby_; my father
+could not determine whether he was to frown or to smile.----
+
+My uncle _Toby_, turning to _Yorick_, resumed the case at _Limerick_,
+more intelligibly than he had begun it, --and so settled the point for
+my father at once.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII
+
+
+It was undoubtedly, said my uncle _Toby_, a great happiness for myself
+and the corporal, that we had all along a burning fever, attended with a
+most raging thirst, during the whole five-and-twenty days the flux was
+upon us in the camp; otherwise what my brother calls the radical
+moisture, must, as I conceive it, inevitably have got the better. ----My
+father drew in his lungs top-full of air, and looking up, blew it forth
+again, as slowly as he possibly could.----
+
+------It was Heaven's mercy to us, continued my uncle _Toby_, which put
+it into the corporal's head to maintain that due contention betwixt the
+radical heat and the radical moisture, by reinforcing the fever, as he
+did all along, with hot wine and spices; whereby the corporal kept up
+(as it were) a continual firing, so that the radical heat stood its
+ground from the beginning to the end, and was a fair match for the
+moisture, terrible as it was. ----Upon my honour, added my uncle _Toby_,
+you might have heard the contention within our bodies, brother _Shandy_,
+twenty toises. --If there was no firing, said _Yorick_.
+
+Well--said my father, with a full aspiration, and pausing a while after
+the word --Was I a judge, and the laws of the country which made me one
+permitted it, I would condemn some of the worst malefactors, provided
+they had had their clergy-------- ----_Yorick_, foreseeing the sentence
+was likely to end with no sort of mercy, laid his hand upon my father's
+breast, and begged he would respite it for a few minutes, till he asked
+the corporal a question. ----Prithee, _Trim_, said _Yorick_, without
+staying for my father's leave, --tell us honestly--what is thy opinion
+concerning this self-same radical heat and radical moisture?
+
+With humble submission to his honour's better judgment, quoth the
+corporal, making a bow to my uncle _Toby_ --Speak thy opinion freely,
+corporal, said my uncle _Toby_. --The poor fellow is my servant, --not
+my slave, --added my uncle _Toby_, turning to my father.----
+
+The corporal put his hat under his left arm, and with his stick hanging
+upon the wrist of it, by a black thong split into a tassel about the
+knot, he marched up to the ground where he had performed his catechism;
+then touching his under-jaw with the thumb and fingers of his right-hand
+before he opened his mouth, ----he delivered his notion thus.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX
+
+
+Just as the corporal was humming, to begin--in waddled Dr. _Slop_.
+--'Tis not two-pence matter--the corporal shall go on in the next
+chapter, let who will come in.----
+
+Well, my good doctor, cried my father sportively, for the transitions of
+his passions were unaccountably sudden, --and what has this whelp of
+mine to say to the matter?
+
+Had my father been asking after the amputation of the tail of a
+puppy-dog--he could not have done it in a more careless air: the system
+which Dr. _Slop_ had laid down, to treat the accident by, no way allowed
+of such a mode of enquiry. --He sat down.
+
+Pray, Sir, quoth my uncle _Toby_, in a manner which could not go
+unanswered, --in what condition is the boy? --'Twill end in a
+_phimosis_, replied Dr. _Slop_.
+
+I am no wiser than I was, quoth my uncle _Toby_--returning his pipe into
+his mouth. ----Then let the corporal go on, said my father, with his
+medical lecture. --The corporal made a bow to his old friend, Dr.
+_Slop_, and then delivered his opinion concerning radical heat and
+radical moisture, in the following words.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL
+
+
+The city of _Limerick_, the siege of which was begun under his majesty
+king _William_ himself, the year after I went into the army--lies, an'
+please your honours, in the middle of a devilish wet, swampy country.
+--'Tis quite surrounded, said my uncle _Toby_, with the _Shannon_, and
+is, by its situation, one of the strongest fortified places in
+_Ireland_.----
+
+I think this is a new fashion, quoth Dr. _Slop_, of beginning a medical
+lecture. --'Tis all true, answered _Trim_. --Then I wish the faculty
+would follow the cut of it, said _Yorick_. --'Tis all cut through, an'
+please your reverence, said the corporal, with drains and bogs; and
+besides, there was such a quantity of rain fell during the siege, the
+whole country was like a puddle, --'twas that, and nothing else, which
+brought on the flux, and which had like to have killed both his honour
+and myself; now there was no such thing, after the first ten days,
+continued the corporal, for a soldier to lie dry in his tent, without
+cutting a ditch round it, to draw off the water; --nor was that enough,
+for those who could afford it, as his honour could, without setting fire
+every night to a pewter dish full of brandy, which took off the damp of
+the air, and made the inside of the tent as warm as a stove.------
+
+And what conclusion dost thou draw, corporal _Trim_, cried my father,
+from all these premises?
+
+I infer, an' please your worship, replied _Trim_, that the radical
+moisture is nothing in the world but ditch-water--and that the radical
+heat, of those who can go to the expence of it, is burnt brandy, --the
+radical heat and moisture of a private man, an' please your honour, is
+nothing but ditch-water--and a dram of geneva----and give us but enough
+of it, with a pipe of tobacco, to give us spirits, and drive away the
+vapours--we know not what it is to fear death.
+
+I am at a loss, Captain _Shandy_, quoth Dr. _Slop_, to determine in
+which branch of learning your servant shines most, whether in physiology
+or divinity. --_Slop_ had not forgot _Trim's_ comment upon the
+sermon.--
+
+It is but an hour ago, replied _Yorick_, since the corporal was examined
+in the latter, and pass'd muster with great honour.----
+
+The radical heat and moisture, quoth Dr. _Slop_, turning to my father,
+you must know, is the basis and foundation of our being--as the root of
+a tree is the source and principle of its vegetation. --It is inherent
+in the seeds of all animals, and may be preserved sundry ways, but
+principally in my opinion by _consubstantials_, _impriments_, and
+_occludents_. ----Now this poor fellow, continued Dr. _Slop_, pointing
+to the corporal, has had the misfortune to have heard some superficial
+empiric discourse upon this nice point. ----That he has, --said my
+father. ----Very likely, said my uncle. --I'm sure of it--quoth
+_Yorick_.----
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLI
+
+
+Doctor _Slop_ being called out to look at a cataplasm he had ordered, it
+gave my father an opportunity of going on with another chapter in the
+_Tristra-pćdia_. ----Come! cheer up, my lads; I'll shew you
+land------for when we have tugged through that chapter, the book shall
+not be opened again this twelve-month. --Huzza!--
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLII
+
+
+----Five years with a bib under his chin;
+
+Four years in travelling from Christ-cross-row to _Malachi_;
+
+A year and a half in learning to write his own name;
+
+Seven long years and more +tuptô+-ing it, at Greek and Latin;
+
+Four years at his _probations_ and his _negations_--the fine statue
+still lying in the middle of the marble block, --and nothing done, but
+his tools sharpened to hew it out! --'Tis a piteous delay! --Was not the
+great _Julius Scaliger_ within an ace of never getting his tools
+sharpened at all? ------Forty-four years old was he before he could
+manage his Greek; --and _Peter Damianus_, lord bishop of _Ostia_, as all
+the world knows, could not so much as read, when he was of man's estate.
+--And _Baldus_ himself, as eminent as he turned out after, entered upon
+the law so late in life, that everybody imagined he intended to be an
+advocate in the other world: no wonder, when _Eudamidas_, the son of
+_Archidamas_, heard _Xenocrates_ at seventy-five disputing about
+_wisdom_, that he asked gravely, --_If the old man be yet disputing and
+enquiring concerning wisdom, --what time will he have to make use of
+it?_
+
+_Yorick_ listened to my father with great attention; there was a
+seasoning of wisdom unaccountably mixed up with his strangest whims, and
+he had sometimes such illuminations in the darkest of his eclipses, as
+almost atoned for them: --be wary, Sir, when you imitate him.
+
+I am convinced, _Yorick_, continued my father, half reading and half
+discoursing, that there is a North-west passage to the intellectual
+world; and that the soul of man has shorter ways of going to work, in
+furnishing itself with knowledge and instruction, than we generally take
+with it. ----But, alack! all fields have not a river or a spring running
+besides them; --every child, _Yorick_, has not a parent to point it out.
+
+----The whole entirely depends, added my father, in a low voice, upon
+the _auxiliary verbs_, Mr. _Yorick_.
+
+Had _Yorick_ trod upon _Virgil's_ snake, he could not have looked more
+surprised. --I am surprised too, cried my father, observing it, --and I
+reckon it as one of the greatest calamities which ever befel the
+republic of letters, That those who have been entrusted with the
+education of our children, and whose business it was to open their
+minds, and stock them early with ideas, in order to set the imagination
+loose upon them, have made so little use of the auxiliary verbs in doing
+it, as they have done ----So that, except _Raymond Lullius_, and the
+elder _Pelegrini_, the last of which arrived to such perfection in the
+use of 'em, with his topics, that, in a few lessons, he could teach a
+young gentleman to discourse with plausibility upon any subject, _pro_
+and _con_, and to say and write all that could be spoken or written
+concerning it, without blotting a word, to the admiration of all who
+beheld him. --I should be glad, said _Yorick_, interrupting my father,
+to be made to comprehend this matter. You shall, said my father.
+
+The highest stretch of improvement a single word is capable of, is a
+high metaphor, ----for which, in my opinion, the idea is generally the
+worse, and not the better; ----but be that as it may, --when the mind
+has done that with it--there is an end, --the mind and the idea are at
+rest, --until a second idea enters; ----and so on.
+
+Now the use of the _Auxiliaries_ is, at once to set the soul a-going by
+herself upon the materials as they are brought her; and by the
+versability of this great engine, round which they are twisted, to open
+new tracts of enquiry, and make every idea engender millions.
+
+You excite my curiosity greatly, said _Yorick_.
+
+For my own part, quoth my uncle _Toby_, I have given it up. ----The
+_Danes_, an' please your honour, quoth the corporal, who were on the
+left at the siege of _Limerick_, were all auxiliaries. ----And very good
+ones, said my uncle _Toby_. --But the auxiliaries, _Trim_, my brother is
+talking about, --I conceive to be different things.----
+
+----You do? said my father, rising up.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII
+
+
+My father took a single turn across the room, then sat down, and
+finished the chapter.
+
+The verbs auxiliary we are concerned in here, continued my father, are,
+_am_; _was_; _have_; _had_; _do_; _did_; _make_; _made_; _suffer_;
+_shall_; _should_; _will_; _would_; _can_; _could_; _owe_; _ought_;
+_used_; or _is wont_. --And these varied with tenses, _present_, _past_,
+_future_, and conjugated with the verb _see_, --or with these questions
+added to them; --_Is it?_ _Was it?_ _Will it be?_ _Would it be?_ _May it
+be?_ _Might it be?_ And these again put negatively, _Is it not?_ _Was it
+not?_ _Ought it not?_ --Or affirmatively, --_It is_; _It was_; _It ought
+to be_. Or chronologically, --_Has it been always?_ _Lately?_ _How long
+ago?_ --Or hypothetically, --_If it was?_ _If it was not?_ What would
+follow? ----If the _French_ should beat the _English?_ If the _Sun_ go
+out of the _Zodiac?_
+
+Now, by the right use and application of these, continued my father, in
+which a child's memory should be exercised, there is no one idea can
+enter his brain, how barren soever, but a magazine of conceptions and
+conclusions may be drawn forth from it. ----Didst thou ever see a white
+bear? cried my father, turning his head round to _Trim_, who stood at
+the back of his chair: --No, an' please your honour, replied the
+corporal. ----But thou couldst discourse about one, _Trim_, said my
+father, in case of need? --How is it possible, brother, quoth my uncle
+_Toby_, if the corporal never saw one? ----'Tis the fact I want, replied
+my father, --and the possibility of it is as follows.
+
+A WHITE BEAR! Very well. Have I ever seen one? Might I ever have seen
+one? Am I ever to see one? Ought I ever to have seen one? Or can I ever
+see one?
+
+Would I had seen a white bear! (for how can I imagine it?)
+
+If I should see a white bear, what would I say? If I should never see a
+white bear, what then?
+
+If I never have, can, must, or shall see a white bear alive; have I ever
+seen the skin of one? Did I ever see one painted? --described? Have I
+never dreamed of one?
+
+Did my father, mother, uncle, aunt, brothers or sisters, ever see a
+white bear? What would they give? How would they behave? How would the
+white bear have behaved? Is he wild? Tame? Terrible? Rough? Smooth?
+
+--Is the white bear worth seeing?--
+
+--Is there no sin in it?--
+
+Is it better than a BLACK ONE?
+
+
+
+
+BOOK VI
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+----We'll not stop two moments, my dear Sir, --only, as we have got
+through these five volumes,[6.1] (do, Sir, sit down upon a set----they
+are better than nothing) let us just look back upon the country we have
+pass'd through.----
+
+----What a wilderness has it been! and what a mercy that we have not
+both of us been lost, or devoured by wild beasts in it!
+
+Did you think the world itself, Sir, had contained such a number of Jack
+Asses? ----How they view'd and review'd us as we passed over the rivulet
+at the bottom of that little valley! ----and when we climbed over that
+hill, and were just getting out of sight--good God! what a braying did
+they all set up together!
+
+----Prithee, shepherd! who keeps all those Jack Asses? * * *
+
+----Heaven be their comforter ----What! are they never curried? ----Are
+they never taken in in winter? ----Bray bray--bray. Bray on, --the world
+is deeply your debtor; ----louder still--that's nothing: --in good
+sooth, you are ill-used: ----Was I a Jack Asse, I solemnly declare,
+I would bray in G-fol-re-ut from morning, even unto night.
+
+    [Footnote 6.1: In the first edition, the sixth volume began with
+    this chapter.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+When my father had danced his white bear backwards and forwards through
+half a dozen pages, he closed the book for good an' all, --and in a kind
+of triumph redelivered it into _Trim's_ hand, with a nod to lay it upon
+the 'scrutoire, where he found it. ----_Tristram_, said he, shall be
+made to conjugate every word in the dictionary, backwards and forwards
+the same way; ----every word, _Yorick_, by this means, you see, is
+converted into a thesis or an hypothesis; --every thesis and hypothesis
+have an offspring of propositions; --and each proposition has its own
+consequences and conclusions; every one of which leads the mind on
+again, into fresh tracks of enquiries and doubtings. ----The force of
+this engine, added my father, is incredible in opening a child's head.
+----'Tis enough, brother _Shandy_, cried my uncle _Toby_, to burst it
+into a thousand splinters.----
+
+I presume, said _Yorick_, smiling, --it must be owing to this, ----(for
+let logicians say what they will, it is not to be accounted for
+sufficiently from the bare use of the ten predicaments) ----That the
+famous _Vincent Quirino_, amongst the many other astonishing feats of
+his childhood, of which the Cardinal _Bembo_ has given the world so
+exact a story, --should be able to paste up in the public schools at
+_Rome_, so early as in the eighth year of his age, no less than four
+thousand five hundred and fifty different theses, upon the most abstruse
+points of the most abstruse theology; --and to defend and maintain them
+in such sort, as to cramp and dumbfound his opponents. ----What is that,
+cried my father, to what is told us of _Alphonsus Tostatus_, who, almost
+in his nurse's arms, learned all the sciences and liberal arts without
+being taught any one of them? ----What shall we say of the great
+_Piereskius?_ --That's the very man, cried my uncle _Toby_, I once told
+you of, brother _Shandy_, who walked a matter of five hundred miles,
+reckoning from _Paris_ to _Shevling_, and from _Shevling_ back again,
+merely to see _Stevinus's_ flying chariot. ----He was a very great man!
+added my uncle _Toby_ (meaning _Stevinus_) --He was so, brother _Toby_,
+said my father (meaning _Piereskius_)----and had multiplied his ideas so
+fast, and increased his knowledge to such a prodigious stock, that, if
+we may give credit to an anecdote concerning him, which we cannot
+withhold here, without shaking the authority of all anecdotes
+whatever--at seven years of age, his father committed entirely to his
+care the education of his younger brother, a boy of five years old,
+--with the sole management of all his concerns. --Was the father as wise
+as the son? quoth my uncle _Toby_: --I should think not, said _Yorick_:
+--But what are these, continued my father--(breaking out in a kind of
+enthusiasm)--what are these, to those prodigies of childhood in
+_Grotius_, _Scioppius_, _Heinsius_, _Politian_, _Pascal_, _Joseph
+Scaliger_, _Ferdinand de Cordouč_, and others--some of which left off
+their _substantial forms_ at nine years old, or sooner, and went on
+reasoning without them; --others went through their classics at seven;
+--wrote tragedies at eight; --_Ferdinand de Cordouč_ was so wise at
+nine, --'twas thought the Devil was in him; --and at _Venice_ gave such
+proofs of his knowledge and goodness, that the monks imagined he was
+_Antichrist_, or nothing. ----Others were masters of fourteen languages
+at ten, --finished the course of their rhetoric, poetry, logic, and
+ethics, at eleven, --put forth their commentaries upon _Servius_ and
+_Martianus Capella_ at twelve, --and at thirteen received their degrees
+in philosophy, laws, and divinity: ----But you forget the great
+_Lipsius_, quoth _Yorick_, who composed a work[6.2] the day he was born:
+----They should have wiped it up, said my uncle _Toby_, and said no more
+about it.
+
+    [Footnote 6.2: Nous aurions quelque interęt, says _Baillet_, de
+    montrer qu'il n'a rien de ridicule s'il étoit veritable, au
+    moins dans le sens énigmatique que _Nicius Erythrćus_ a tâché de
+    lui donner. Cet auteur dit que pour comprendre comme _Lipse_, il
+    a pű composer un ouvrage le premier jour de sa vie, il faut
+    s'imaginer, que ce premier jour n'est pas celui de sa naissance
+    charnelle, mais celui au quel il a commencé d'user de la raison;
+    il veut que ç'ait été ŕ l'âge de _neuf_ ans; et il nous veut
+    persuader que ce fut en cet âge, que _Lipse_ fit un poëme. ----Le
+    tour est ingénieux, &c. &c.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+When the cataplasm was ready, a scruple of _decorum_ had unseasonably
+rose up in _Susannah's_ conscience about holding the candle, whilst
+_Slop_ tied it on; _Slop_ had not treated _Susannah's_ distemper with
+anodynes, --and so a quarrel had ensued betwixt them.
+
+----Oh! oh! ----said _Slop_, casting a glance of undue freedom in
+_Susannah's_ face, as she declined the office; ----then, I think I know
+you, madam ----You know me, Sir! cried _Susannah_ fastidiously, and with
+a toss of her head, levelled evidently, not at his profession, but at
+the doctor himself, ----you know me! cried _Susannah_ again. ----Doctor
+_Slop_ clapped his finger and his thumb instantly upon his nostrils;
+----_Susannah's_ spleen was ready to burst at it; ----'Tis false, said
+_Susannah_. --Come, come, Mrs. Modesty, said _Slop_, not a little elated
+with the success of his last thrust, ----If you won't hold the candle,
+and look--you may hold it and shut your eyes: --That's one of your
+popish shifts, cried _Susannah_: --'Tis better, said _Slop_, with a nod,
+than no shift at all, young woman; ----I defy you, Sir, cried
+_Susannah_, pulling her shift sleeve below her elbow.
+
+It was almost impossible for two persons to assist each other in a
+surgical case with a more splenetic cordiality.
+
+_Slop_ snatched up the cataplasm, ----_Susannah_ snatched up the candle;
+----a little this way, said _Slop_; _Susannah_ looking one way, and
+rowing another, instantly set fire to _Slop's_ wig, which being somewhat
+bushy and unctuous withal, was burnt out before it was well kindled.
+------You impudent whore! cried _Slop_, --(for what is passion, but a
+wild beast?)--you impudent whore, cried _Slop_, getting upright, with
+the cataplasm in his hand; ----I never was the destruction of anybody's
+nose, said _Susannah_, --which is more than you can say: ----Is it?
+cried _Slop_, throwing the cataplasm in her face; ----Yes, it is, cried
+_Susannah_, returning the compliment with what was left in the pan.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+Doctor _Slop_ and _Susannah_ filed cross-bills against each other in the
+parlour; which done, as the cataplasm had failed, they retired into the
+kitchen to prepare a fomentation for me; --and whilst that was doing, my
+father determined the point as you will read.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+You see 'tis high time, said my father, addressing himself equally to my
+uncle _Toby_ and _Yorick_, to take this young creature out of these
+women's hands, and put him into those of a private governor. _Marcus
+Antoninus_ provided fourteen governors all at once to superintend his
+son _Commodus's_ education, --and in six weeks he cashiered five of
+them; --I know very well, continued my father, that _Commodus's_ mother
+was in love with a gladiator at the time of her conception, which
+accounts for a great many of _Commodus's_ cruelties when he became
+emperor; --but still I am of opinion, that those five whom _Antoninus_
+dismissed, did _Commodus's_ temper, in that short time, more hurt than
+the other nine were able to rectify all their lives long.
+
+Now as I consider the person who is to be about my son, as the mirror in
+which he is to view himself from morning to night, and by which he is to
+adjust his looks, his carriage, and perhaps the inmost sentiments of his
+heart; --I would have one, _Yorick_, if possible, polished at all
+points, fit for my child to look into. ----This is very good sense,
+quoth my uncle _Toby_ to himself.
+
+----There is, continued my father, a certain mien and motion of the body
+and all its parts, both in acting and speaking, which argues a man _well
+within_; and I am not at all surprised that _Gregory_ of _Nazianzum_,
+upon observing the hasty and untoward gestures of _Julian_, should
+foretel he would one day become an apostate; ----or that St. _Ambrose_
+should turn his _Amanuensis_ out of doors, because of an indecent motion
+of his head, which went backwards and forwards like a flail; ----or that
+_Democritus_ should conceive _Protagoras_ to be a scholar, from seeing
+him bind up a faggot, and thrusting, as he did it, the small twigs
+inwards. ----There are a thousand unnoticed openings, continued my
+father, which let a penetrating eye at once into a man's soul; and I
+maintain it, added he, that a man of sense does not lay down his hat in
+coming into a room, --or take it up in going out of it, but something
+escapes, which discovers him.
+
+It is for these reasons, continued my father, that the governor I make
+choice of shall neither[6.3] lisp, or squint, or wink, or talk loud, or
+look fierce, or foolish; ----or bite his lips, or grind his teeth, or
+speak through his nose, or pick it, or blow it with his fingers.----
+
+He shall neither walk fast, --or slow, or fold his arms, --for that is
+laziness; --or hang them down, --for that is folly; or hide them in his
+pocket, for that is nonsense.----
+
+He shall neither strike, or pinch, or tickle, --or bite, or cut his
+nails, or hawk, or spit, or snift, or drum with his feet or fingers in
+company; ----nor (according to _Erasmus_) shall he speak to any one in
+making water, --nor shall he point to carrion or excrement. ----Now this
+is all nonsense again, quoth my uncle _Toby_ to himself.----
+
+I will have him, continued my father, chearful, faceté, jovial; at the
+same time, prudent, attentive to business, vigilant, acute, argute,
+inventive, quick in resolving doubts and speculative questions; ----he
+shall be wise, and judicious, and learned: ----And why not humble, and
+moderate, and gentle-tempered, and good? said _Yorick_: ----And why not,
+cried my uncle _Toby_, free, and generous, and bountiful, and brave?
+----He shall, my dear _Toby_, replied my father, getting up and shaking
+him by the hand. --Then, brother _Shandy_, answered my uncle _Toby_,
+raising himself off the chair, and laying down his pipe to take hold of
+my father's other hand, --I humbly beg I may recommend poor _Le Fever's_
+son to you; ----a tear of joy of the first water sparkled in my uncle
+_Toby's_ eye, and another, the fellow to it, in the corporal's, as the
+proposition was made; ----you will see why when you read _Le Fever's_
+story: ----fool that I was! nor can I recollect (nor perhaps you)
+without turning back to the place, what it was that hindered me from
+letting the corporal tell it in his own words; --but the occasion is
+lost, --I must tell it now in my own.
+
+    [Footnote 6.3: Vid. _Pellegrina_.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+THE STORY OF LE FEVER
+
+
+It was some time in the summer of that year in which _Dendermond_ was
+taken by the allies, --which was about seven years before my father came
+into the country, --and about as many, after the time, that my uncle
+_Toby_ and _Trim_ had privately decamped from my father's house in town,
+in order to lay some of the finest sieges to some of the finest
+fortified cities in _Europe_----when my uncle _Toby_ was one evening
+getting his supper, with _Trim_ sitting behind him at a small sideboard,
+--I say, sitting--for in consideration of the corporal's lame knee
+(which sometimes gave him exquisite pain)--when my uncle _Toby_ dined or
+supped alone, he would never suffer the corporal to stand; and the poor
+fellow's veneration for his master was such, that, with a proper
+artillery, my uncle _Toby_ could have taken _Dendermond_ itself, with
+less trouble than he was able to gain this point over him; for many a
+time when my uncle _Toby_ supposed the corporal's leg was at rest, he
+would look back, and detect him standing behind him with the most
+dutiful respect: this bred more little squabbles betwixt them, than all
+other causes for five-and-twenty years together --But this is neither
+here nor there--why do I mention it? ----Ask my pen, --it governs me,
+--I govern not it.
+
+He was one evening sitting thus at his supper, when the landlord of a
+little inn in the village came into the parlour, with an empty phial in
+his hand, to beg a glass or two of sack; 'Tis for a poor gentleman, --I
+think, of the army, said the landlord, who has been taken ill at my
+house four days ago, and has never held up his head since, or had a
+desire to taste anything, till just now, that he has a fancy for a glass
+of sack and a thin toast, ----_I think_, says he, taking his hand from
+his forehead, _it would comfort me_.
+
+----If I could neither beg, borrow, or buy such a thing--added the
+landlord, --I would almost steal it for the poor gentleman, he is so
+ill. ----I hope in God he will still mend, continued he, --we are all of
+us concerned for him.
+
+Thou art a good-natured soul, I will answer for thee, cried my uncle
+_Toby_; and thou shalt drink the poor gentleman's health in a glass of
+sack thyself, --and take a couple of bottles with my service, and tell
+him he is heartily welcome to them, and to a dozen more if they will do
+him good.
+
+Though I am persuaded, said my uncle _Toby_, as the landlord shut the
+door, he is a very compassionate fellow--_Trim_, --yet I cannot help
+entertaining a high opinion of his guest too; there must be something
+more than common in him, that in so short a time should win so much upon
+the affections of his host; ----And of his whole family, added the
+corporal, for they are all concerned for him. ----Step after him, said
+my uncle _Toby_, --do, _Trim_, --and ask if he knows his name.
+
+----I have quite forgot it truly, said the landlord, coming back into
+the parlour with the corporal, --but I can ask his son again: ----Has he
+a son with him then? said my uncle _Toby_. --A boy, replied the
+landlord, of about eleven or twelve years of age; --but the poor
+creature has tasted almost as little as his father; he does nothing but
+mourn and lament for him night and day: ----He has not stirred from the
+bed-side these two days.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ laid down his knife and fork, and thrust his plate from
+before him, as the landlord gave him the account; and _Trim_, without
+being ordered, took away, without saying one word, and in a few minutes
+after brought him his pipe and tobacco.
+
+----Stay in the room a little, said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+_Trim!_----said my uncle _Toby_, after he lighted his pipe, and smoak'd
+about a dozen whiffs. ----_Trim_ came in front of his master, and made
+his bow; --my uncle _Toby_ smoak'd on, and said no more. ----Corporal!
+said my uncle _Toby_----the corporal made his bow. ----My uncle _Toby_
+proceeded no farther, but finished his pipe.
+
+_Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_, I have a project in my head, as it is a
+bad night, of wrapping myself up warm in my roquelaure, and paying a
+visit to this poor gentleman. ----Your honour's roquelaure, replied the
+corporal, has not once been had on, since the night before your honour
+received your wound, when we mounted guard in the trenches before the
+gate of St. _Nicolas_; ----and besides, it is so cold and rainy a night,
+that what with the roquelaure, and what with the weather, 'twill be
+enough to give your honour your death, and bring on your honour's
+torment in your groin. I fear so, replied my uncle _Toby_; but I am not
+at rest in my mind, _Trim_, since the account the landlord has given me.
+----I wish I had not known so much of this affair, --added my uncle
+_Toby_, --or that I had known more of it: ----How shall we manage it?
+Leave it, an't please your honour, to me, quoth the corporal; ----I'll
+take my hat and stick and go to the house and reconnoitre, and act
+accordingly; and I will bring your honour a full account in an hour.
+----Thou shalt go, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, and here's a shilling
+for thee to drink with his servant. ----I shall get it all out of him,
+said the corporal, shutting the door.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ filled his second pipe; and had it not been, that he now
+and then wandered from the point, with considering whether it was not
+full as well to have the curtain of the tenaille a straight line, as a
+crooked one, --he might be said to have thought of nothing else but poor
+_Le Fever_ and his boy the whole time he smoaked it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED
+
+
+It was not till my uncle _Toby_ had knocked the ashes out of his third
+pipe, that corporal _Trim_ returned from the inn, and gave him the
+following account.
+
+I despaired, at first, said the corporal, of being able to bring back
+your honour any kind of intelligence concerning the poor sick
+lieutenant --Is he in the army, then? said my uncle _Toby_ ----He is,
+said the corporal ----And in what regiment? said my uncle _Toby_
+----I'll tell your honour, replied the corporal, everything straight
+forwards, as I learnt it. --Then, _Trim_, I'll fill another pipe, said
+my uncle _Toby_, and not interrupt thee till thou hast done; so sit down
+at thy ease, _Trim_, in the window-seat, and begin thy story again. The
+corporal made his old bow, which generally spoke as plain as a bow could
+speak it--_Your honour is good_: ----And having done that, he sat down,
+as he was ordered, --and began the story to my uncle _Toby_ over again
+in pretty near the same words.
+
+I despaired at first, said the corporal, of being able to bring back any
+intelligence to your honour, about the lieutenant and his son; for when
+I asked where his servant was, from whom I made myself sure of knowing
+everything which was proper to be asked, --That's a right distinction,
+_Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_ --I was answered, an' please your honour,
+that he had no servant with him; ----that he had come to the inn with
+hired horses, which, upon finding himself unable to proceed (to join,
+I suppose, the regiment), he had dismissed the morning after he came.
+--If I get better, my dear, said he, as he gave his purse to his son to
+pay the man, --we can hire horses from hence. ----But alas! the poor
+gentleman will never get from hence, said the landlady to me, --for I
+heard the death-watch all night long; ----and when he dies, the youth,
+his son, will certainly die with him, for he is broken-hearted already.
+
+I was hearing this account, continued the corporal, when the youth came
+into the kitchen, to order the thin toast the landlord spoke of; ----but
+I will do it for my father myself, said the youth. ----Pray let me save
+you the trouble, young gentleman, said I, taking up a fork for the
+purpose, and offering him my chair to sit down upon by the fire, whilst
+I did it. ----I believe, Sir, said he, very modestly, I can please him
+best myself. ----I am sure, said I, his honour will not like the toast
+the worse for being toasted by an old soldier. ----The youth took hold
+of my hand, and instantly burst into tears. ----Poor youth! said my
+uncle _Toby_, --he has been bred up from an infant in the army, and the
+name of a soldier, _Trim_, sounded in his ears like the name of a
+friend; --I wish I had him here.
+
+----I never, in the longest march, said the corporal, had so great a
+mind to my dinner, as I had to cry with him for company: --What could be
+the matter with me, an' please your honour? Nothing in the world,
+_Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, blowing his nose, --but that thou art a
+good-natured fellow.
+
+When I gave him the toast, continued the corporal, I thought it was
+proper to tell him I was captain _Shandy's_ servant, and that your
+honour (though a stranger) was extremely concerned for his father; --and
+that if there was any thing in your house or cellar----(And thou
+might'st have added my purse too, said my uncle _Toby_)----he was
+heartily welcome to it: ----He made a very low bow (which was meant to
+your honour), but no answer--for his heart was full--so he went up
+stairs with the toast; --I warrant you, my dear, said I, as I opened the
+kitchen-door, your father will be well again. ----Mr. _Yorick's_ curate
+was smoaking a pipe by the kitchen fire, --but said not a word good or
+bad to comfort the youth. ----I thought it wrong; added the
+corporal ----I think so too, said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+When the lieutenant had taken his glass of sack and toast, he felt
+himself a little revived, and sent down into the kitchen, to let me
+know, that in about ten minutes he should be glad if I would step up
+stairs. ----I believe, said the landlord, he is going to say his
+prayers, ----for there was a book laid upon the chair by his bed-side,
+and as I shut the door, I saw his son take up a cushion.----
+
+I thought, said the curate, that you gentlemen of the army, Mr. _Trim_,
+never said your prayers at all. ----I heard the poor gentleman say his
+prayers last night, said the landlady, very devoutly, and with my own
+ears, or I could not have believed it. ----Are you sure of it? replied
+the curate. ----A soldier, an' please your reverence, said I, prays as
+often (of his own accord) as a parson; ----and when he is fighting for
+his king, and for his own life, and for his honour too, he has the most
+reason to pray to God of any one in the whole world----'Twas well said
+of thee, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_. ----But when a soldier, said I,
+an' please your reverence, has been standing for twelve hours together
+in the trenches, up to his knees in cold water, --or engaged, said I,
+for months together in long and dangerous marches; --harassed, perhaps,
+in his rear to-day; --harassing others to-morrow; --detached here;
+--countermanded there; --resting this night out upon his arms; --beat up
+in his shirt the next; --benumbed in his joints; --perhaps without straw
+in his tent to kneel on; --must say his prayers _how_ and _when_ he can.
+--I believe, said I, --for I was piqued, quoth the corporal, for the
+reputation of the army, --I believe, an' please your reverence, said I,
+that when a soldier gets time to pray, --he prays as heartily as a
+parson, --though not with all his fuss and hypocrisy. ----Thou shouldst
+not have said that, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, --for God only knows
+who is a hypocrite, and who is not: ----At the great and general review
+of us all, corporal, at the day of judgment (and not till then)--it will
+be seen who has done their duties in this world, --and who has not; and
+we shall be advanced, _Trim_, accordingly. ----I hope we shall, said
+_Trim_. ----It is in the Scripture, said my uncle _Toby_; and I will
+shew it thee to-morrow: --In the mean time we may depend upon it,
+_Trim_, for our comfort, said my uncle _Toby_, that God Almighty is so
+good and just a governor of the world, that if we have but done our
+duties in it, --it will never be enquired into, whether we have done
+them in a red coat or a black one: ----I hope not, said the
+corporal ----But go on, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, with thy story.
+
+When I went up, continued the corporal, into the lieutenant's room,
+which I did not do till the expiration of the ten minutes, --he was
+lying in his bed with his head raised upon his hand, with his elbow upon
+the pillow, and a clean white cambrick handkerchief beside it: ----The
+youth was just stooping down to take up the cushion, upon which I
+supposed he had been kneeling, --the book was laid upon the bed, --and,
+as he rose, in taking up the cushion with one hand, he reached out his
+other to take it away at the same time. ----Let it remain there, my
+dear, said the lieutenant.
+
+He did not offer to speak to me, till I had walked up close to his
+bed-side: --If you are captain _Shandy's_ servant, said he, you must
+present my thanks to your master, with my little boy's thanks along with
+them, for his courtesy to me; --if he was of _Leven's_--said the
+lieutenant. --I told him your honour was --Then, said he, I served three
+campaigns with him in _Flanders_, and remember him, --but 'tis most
+likely, as I had not the honour of any acquaintance with him, that he
+knows nothing of me. ----You will tell him, however, that the person his
+good-nature has laid under obligations to him, is one _Le Fever_, a
+lieutenant in _Angus's_----but he knows me not, --said he, a second
+time, musing; ----possibly he may my story--added he--pray tell the
+captain, I was the ensign at _Breda_, whose wife was most unfortunately
+killed with a musket-shot, as she lay in my arms in my tent. ----I
+remember the story, an't please your honour, said I, very well. ----Do
+you so? said he, wiping his eyes with his handkerchief, --then well may
+I. --In saying this, he drew a little ring out of his bosom, which
+seemed tied with a black ribband about his neck, and kiss'd it
+twice ----Here, _Billy_, said he, ----the boy flew across the room to the
+bed-side, --and falling down upon his knee, took the ring in his hand,
+and kissed it too, --then kissed his father, and sat down upon the bed
+and wept.
+
+I wish, said my uncle _Toby_, with a deep sigh, --I wish, _Trim_, I was
+asleep.
+
+Your honour, replied the corporal, is too much concerned; --shall I pour
+your honour out a glass of sack to your pipe? ----Do, _Trim_, said my
+uncle _Toby_.
+
+I remember, said my uncle _Toby_, sighing again, the story of the ensign
+and his wife, with a circumstance his modesty omitted; --and
+particularly well that he, as well as she, upon some account or other
+(I forget what) was universally pitied by the whole regiment; --but
+finish the story thou art upon: --'Tis finished already, said the
+corporal, --for I could stay no longer, --so wished his honour a good
+night; young _Le Fever_ rose from off the bed, and saw me to the bottom
+of the stairs; and as we went down together, told me, they had come from
+_Ireland_, and were on their route to join the regiment in _Flanders_.
+----But alas! said the corporal, --the lieutenant's last day's march is
+over. --Then what is to become of his poor boy? cried my uncle _Toby_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED
+
+
+It was to my uncle _Toby's_ eternal honour, ----though I tell it only
+for the sake of those, who, when coop'd in betwixt a natural and a
+positive law, know not, for their souls, which way in the world to turn
+themselves ----That notwithstanding my uncle _Toby_ was warmly engaged
+at that time in carrying on the siege of _Dendermond_, parallel with the
+allies, who pressed theirs on so vigorously, that they scarce allowed
+him time to get his dinner----that nevertheless he gave up _Dendermond_,
+though he had already made a lodgment upon the counterscarp; --and bent
+his whole thoughts towards the private distresses at the inn; and except
+that he ordered the garden gate to be bolted up, by which he might be
+said to have turned the siege of _Dendermond_ into a blockade, --he left
+_Dendermond_ to itself--to be relieved or not by the _French_ king, as
+the _French_ king thought good; and only considered how he himself
+should relieve the poor lieutenant and his son.
+
+----That kind BEING, who is a friend to the friendless, shall recompence
+thee for this.
+
+Thou hast left this matter short, said my uncle _Toby_ to the corporal,
+as he was putting him to bed, ----and I will tell thee in what, _Trim_.
+----In the first place, when thou madest an offer of my services to _Le
+Fever_, ----as sickness and travelling are both expensive, and thou
+knowest he was but a poor lieutenant, with a son to subsist as well as
+himself out of his pay, --that thou didst not make an offer to him of my
+purse; because, had he stood in need, thou knowest, _Trim_, he had been
+as welcome to it as myself. ----Your honour knows, said the corporal,
+I had no orders; ----True, quoth my uncle _Toby_, --thou didst very
+right, _Trim_, as a soldier, --but certainly very wrong as a man.
+
+In the second place, for which, indeed, thou hast the same excuse,
+continued my uncle _Toby_, ----when thou offeredst him whatever was in
+my house, ----thou shouldst have offered him my house too: ----A sick
+brother officer should have the best quarters, _Trim_, and if we had him
+with us, --we could tend and look to him: ----Thou art an excellent
+nurse thyself, _Trim_, --and what with thy care of him, and the old
+woman's, and his boy's, and mine together, we might recruit him again at
+once, and set him upon his legs.------
+
+----In a fortnight or three weeks, added my uncle _Toby_, smiling,
+----he might march. ----He will never march; an' please your honour, in
+this world, said the corporal: ----He will march; said my uncle _Toby_,
+rising up, from the side of the bed, with one shoe off: ----An' please
+your honour, said the corporal, he will never march but to his grave:
+----He shall march, cried my uncle _Toby_, marching the foot which had a
+shoe on, though without advancing an inch, --he shall march to his
+regiment. ----He cannot stand it, said the corporal; ----He shall be
+supported, said my uncle _Toby_; ----He'll drop at last, said the
+corporal, and what will become of his boy? ----He shall not drop, said
+my uncle _Toby_, firmly. ----A-well-o'-day, --do what we can for him,
+said _Trim_, maintaining his point, --the poor soul will die: ----He
+shall not die, by G--, cried my uncle _Toby_.
+
+--The ACCUSING SPIRIT, which flew up to heaven's chancery with the oath,
+blush'd as he gave it in; --and the RECORDING ANGEL, as he wrote it
+down, dropp'd a tear upon the word, and blotted it out for ever.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+----My uncle _Toby_ went to his bureau, --put his purse into his
+breeches pocket, and having ordered the corporal to go early in the
+morning for a physician, --he went to bed, and fell asleep.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED
+
+
+The sun looked bright the morning after, to every eye in the village but
+_Le Fever's_ and his afflicted son's; the hand of death press'd heavy
+upon his eye-lids, ----and hardly could the wheel at the cistern turn
+round its circle, --when my uncle _Toby_, who had rose up an hour before
+his wonted time, entered the lieutenant's room, and without preface or
+apology, sat himself down upon the chair by the bed-side, and,
+independently of all modes and customs, opened the curtain in the manner
+an old friend and brother officer would have done it, and asked him how
+he did, --how he had rested in the night, --what was his complaint,
+--where was his pain, --and what he could do to help him: ----and
+without giving him time to answer any one of the enquiries, went on, and
+told him of the little plan which he had been concerting with the
+corporal the night before for him.----
+
+----You shall go home directly, _Le Fever_, said my uncle _Toby_, to my
+house, --and we'll send for a doctor to see what's the matter, --and
+we'll have an apothecary, --and the corporal shall be your nurse;
+----and I'll be your servant, _Le Fever_.
+
+There was a frankness in my uncle _Toby_, --not the _effect_ of
+familiarity, --but the _cause_ of it, --which let you at once into his
+soul, and shewed you the goodness of his nature; to this, there was
+something in his looks, and voice, and manner, superadded, which
+eternally beckoned to the unfortunate to come and take shelter under
+him; so that before my uncle _Toby_ had half finished the kind offers he
+was making to the father, had the son insensibly pressed up close to his
+knees, and had taken hold of the breast of his coat, and was pulling it
+towards him. ----The blood and spirits of _Le Fever_, which were waxing
+cold and slow within him, and were retreating to their last citadel, the
+heart--rallied back, --the film forsook his eyes for a moment, --he
+looked up wishfully in my uncle _Toby's_ face, --then cast a look upon
+his boy, ----and that _ligament_, fine as it was, --was never
+broken.------
+
+Nature instantly ebb'd again, --the film returned to its place, ----the
+pulse fluttered----stopp'd----went on----throbb'd----stopp'd
+again----moved----stopp'd----shall I go on? ----No.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+I am so impatient to return to my own story, that what remains of young
+_Le Fever's_, that is, from this turn of his fortune, to the time my
+uncle _Toby_ recommended him for my preceptor, shall be told in a very
+few words in the next chapter. --All that is necessary to be added to
+this chapter is as follows.--
+
+That my uncle _Toby_, with young _Le Fever_ in his hand, attended the
+poor lieutenant, as chief mourners, to his grave.
+
+That the governor of _Dendermond_ paid his obsequies all military
+honours, --and that _Yorick_, not to be behind-hand--paid him all
+ecclesiastic--for he buried him in his chancel: --And it appears
+likewise, he preached a funeral sermon over him ----I say it _appears_,
+--for it was _Yorick's_ custom, which I suppose a general one with those
+of his profession, on the first leaf of every sermon which he composed,
+to chronicle down the time, the place, and the occasion of its being
+preached: to this, he was ever wont to add some short comment or
+stricture upon the sermon itself, seldom, indeed, much to its credit:
+--For instance, _This sermon upon the Jewish dispensation --I don't like
+it at all; --Though I own there is a world of WATER-LANDISH knowledge in
+it, --but 'tis all tritical, and most tritically put together.
+------This is but a flimsy kind of a composition; what was in my head
+when I made it?_
+
+----N. B. _The excellency of this text is, that it will suit any sermon,
+--and of this sermon, ----that it will suit any text. ------_
+
+_ ----For this sermon I shall be hanged, --for I have stolen the greatest
+part of it. Doctor _Paidagunes_ found me out. [-->] Set a thief to catch
+a thief. ------_
+
+On the back of half a dozen I find written, _So, so_, and no more----and
+upon a couple _Moderato_; by which, as far as one may gather from
+_Altieri's_ _Italian_ dictionary, --but mostly from the authority of a
+piece of green whipcord, which seemed to have been the unravelling of
+_Yorick's_ whip-lash, with which he has left us the two sermons marked
+_Moderato_, and the half dozen of _So, so_, tied fast together in one
+bundle by themselves, --one may safely suppose he meant pretty near the
+same thing.
+
+There is but one difficulty in the way of this conjecture, which is
+this, that the _moderato's_ are five times better than the _so, so's_;
+--show ten times more knowledge of the human heart; --have seventy times
+more wit and spirit in them; --(and, to rise properly in my
+climax)--discovered a thousand times more genius; --and to crown all,
+are infinitely more entertaining than those tied up with them: --for
+which reason, whene'er _Yorick's_ _dramatic_ sermons are offered to the
+world, though I shall admit but one out of the whole number of the _so,
+so's_, I shall, nevertheless, adventure to print the two _moderato's_
+without any sort of scruple.
+
+What _Yorick_ could mean by the words _lentamente_, --_tenutč_,
+--_grave_, --and sometimes _adagio_, --as applied to _theological_
+compositions, and with which he has characterised some of these sermons,
+I dare not venture to guess. ----I am more puzzled still upon finding
+_a l'octava alta!_ upon one; ----_Con strepito_ upon the back of
+another; ----_Siciliana_ upon a third; ----_Alla capella_ upon a fourth;
+----_Con l'arco_ upon this; ----_Senza l'arco_ upon that. ----All I know
+is, that they are musical terms, and have a meaning; ----and as he was a
+musical man, I will make no doubt, but that by some quaint application
+of such metaphors to the compositions in hand, they impressed very
+distinct ideas of their several characters upon his fancy, --whatever
+they may do upon that of others.
+
+Amongst these, there is that particular sermon which has unaccountably
+led me into this digression ----The funeral sermon upon poor _Le Fever_,
+wrote out very fairly, as if from a hasty copy. --I take notice of it
+the more, because it seems to have been his favourite composition ----It
+is upon mortality; and is tied lengthways and cross-ways with a yarn
+thrum, and then rolled up and twisted round with a half-sheet of dirty
+blue paper, which seems to have been once the cast cover of a general
+review, which to this day smells horribly of horse drugs. ----Whether
+these marks of humiliation were designed, --I something doubt;
+----because at the end of the sermon (and not at the beginning
+of it)--very different from his way of treating the rest, he had
+wrote----
+
+  Bravo!
+
+----Though not very offensively, ----for it is at two inches, at least,
+and a half's distance from, and below the concluding line of the sermon,
+at the very extremity of the page, and in that right hand corner of it,
+which, you know, is generally covered with your thumb; and, to do it
+justice, it is wrote besides with a crow's quill so faintly in a small
+_Italian_ hand, as scarce to solicit the eye towards the place, whether
+your thumb is there or not, --so that from the _manner of it_, it stands
+half excused; and being wrote moreover with very pale ink, diluted
+almost to nothing, --'tis more like a _ritratto_ of the shadow of
+vanity, than of VANITY herself--of the two; resembling rather a faint
+thought of transient applause, secretly stirring up in the heart of the
+composer; than a gross mark of it, coarsely obtruded upon the world.
+
+With all these extenuations, I am aware, that in publishing this, I do
+no service to _Yorick's_ character as a modest man; --but all men have
+their failings! and what lessens this still farther, and almost wipes it
+away, is this; that the word was struck through sometime afterwards
+(as appears from a different tint of the ink) with a line quite across
+it in this manner, [BRAVO]----as if he had retracted, or was ashamed of
+the opinion he had once entertained of it.
+
+These short characters of his sermons were always written, excepting in
+this one instance, upon the first leaf of his sermon, which served as a
+cover to it; and usually upon the inside of it, which was turned towards
+the text; --but at the end of his discourse, where, perhaps, he had five
+or six pages, and sometimes, perhaps, a whole score to turn himself in,
+--he took a large circuit, and, indeed, a much more mettlesome one; --as
+if he had snatched the occasion of unlacing himself with a few more
+frolicksome strokes at vice, than the straitness of the pulpit allowed.
+--These, though hussar-like, they skirmish lightly and out of all order,
+are still auxiliaries on the side of virtue; --tell me then, Mynheer
+Vander Blonederdondergewdenstronke, why they should not be printed
+together?
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+When my uncle _Toby_ had turned everything into money, and settled all
+accounts betwixt the agent of the regiment and _Le Fever_, and betwixt
+_Le Fever_ and all mankind, ----there remained nothing more in my uncle
+_Toby's_ hands, than an old regimental coat and a sword; so that my
+uncle _Toby_ found little or no opposition from the world in taking
+administration. The coat my uncle _Toby_ gave the corporal; ----Wear it,
+_Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, as long as it will hold together, for the
+sake of the poor lieutenant ----And this, ----said my uncle _Toby_,
+taking up the sword in his hand, and drawing it out of the scabbard as
+he spoke----and this, _Le Fever_, I'll save for thee, --'tis all the
+fortune, continued my uncle _Toby_, hanging it up upon a crook, and
+pointing to it, --'tis all the fortune, my dear _Le Fever_, which God
+has left thee; but if he has given thee a heart to fight thy way with it
+in the world, --and thou doest it like a man of honour, --'tis enough
+for us.
+
+As soon as my uncle _Toby_ had laid a foundation, and taught him to
+inscribe a regular polygon in a circle, he sent him to a public school,
+where, excepting _Whitsontide_ and _Christmas_, at which times the
+corporal was punctually dispatched for him, --he remained to the spring
+of the year, seventeen; when the stories of the emperor's sending his
+army into _Hungary_ against the _Turks_, kindling a spark of fire in his
+bosom, he left his _Greek_ and _Latin_ without leave, and throwing
+himself upon his knees before my uncle _Toby_, begged his father's
+sword, and my uncle _Toby's_ leave along with it, to go and try his
+fortune under _Eugene_. --Twice did my uncle _Toby_ forget his wound and
+cry out, _Le Fever!_ I will go with thee, and thou shalt fight beside
+me ----And twice he laid his hand upon his groin, and hung down his head
+in sorrow and disconsolation.----
+
+My uncle _Toby_ took down the sword from the crook, where it had hung
+untouched ever since the lieutenant's death, and delivered it to the
+corporal to brighten up; ----and having detained _Le Fever_ a single
+fortnight to equip him, and contract for his passage to _Leghorn_, --he
+put the sword into his hand. ----If thou art brave, _Le Fever_, said my
+uncle _Toby_, this will not fail thee, ----but Fortune, said he (musing
+a little), ----Fortune may ----And if she does, --added my uncle _Toby_,
+embracing him, come back again to me, _Le Fever_, and we will shape thee
+another course.
+
+The greatest injury could not have oppressed the heart of _Le Fever_
+more than my uncle _Toby's_ paternal kindness; ----he parted from my
+uncle _Toby_, as the best of sons from the best of fathers----both
+dropped tears----and as my uncle _Toby_ gave him his last kiss, he
+slipped sixty guineas, tied up in an old purse of his father's, in which
+was his mother's ring, into his hand,---- and bid God bless him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+Le Fever got up to the Imperial army just time enough to try what metal
+his sword was made of, at the defeat of the _Turks_ before _Belgrade_;
+but a series of unmerited mischances had pursued him from that moment,
+and trod close upon his heels for four years together after; he had
+withstood these buffetings to the last, till sickness overtook him at
+_Marseilles_, from whence he wrote my uncle _Toby_ word, he had lost his
+time, his services, his health, and, in short, everything but his sword;
+----and was waiting for the first ship to return back to him.
+
+As this letter came to hand about six weeks before _Susannah's_
+accident, _Le Fever_ was hourly expected; and was uppermost in my uncle
+_Toby's_ mind all the time my father was giving him and _Yorick_ a
+description of what kind of a person he would chuse for a preceptor to
+me: but as my uncle _Toby_ thought my father at first somewhat fanciful
+in the accomplishments he required, he forebore mentioning _Le Fever's_
+name, ----till the character, by _Yorick's_ interposition, ending
+unexpectedly, in one, who should be gentle-tempered, and generous, and
+good, it impressed the image of _Le Fever_, and his interest, upon my
+uncle _Toby_ so forcibly, he rose instantly off his chair; and laying
+down his pipe, in order to take hold of both my father's hands ----I beg,
+brother _Shandy_, said my uncle _Toby_, I may recommend poor _Le
+Fever's_ son to you ----I beseech you do, added _Yorick_ ----He has a
+good heart, said my uncle _Toby_ ----And a brave one too, an' please
+your honour, said the corporal.
+
+----The best hearts, _Trim_, are ever the bravest, replied my uncle
+_Toby_. ----And the greatest cowards, an' please your honour, in our
+regiment, were the greatest rascals in it. ----There was serjeant
+_Kumber_, and ensign------
+
+----We'll talk of them, said my father, another time.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+What a jovial and a merry world would this be, may it please your
+worships, but for that inextricable labyrinth of debts, cares, woes,
+want, grief, discontent, melancholy, large jointures, impositions, and
+lies!
+
+Doctor _Slop_, like a son of a w----, as my father called him for it,
+--to exalt himself, --debased me to death, --and made ten thousand times
+more of _Susannah's_ accident, than there was any grounds for; so that
+in a week's time, or less, it was in everybody's mouth, _That poor
+Master Shandy_  *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *  entirely. --And FAME, who loves to double everything, --in
+three days more, had sworn, positively she saw it, --and all the world,
+as usual, gave credit to her evidence---- "That the nursery window had
+not only  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *     ;----but that     *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       * 's also."
+
+Could the world have been sued like a BODY-CORPORATE, --my father had
+brought an action upon the case, and trounced it sufficiently; but to
+fall foul of individuals about it----as every soul who had mentioned the
+affair, did it with the greatest pity imaginable; ----'twas like flying
+in the very face of his best friends: ----And yet to acquiesce under the
+report, in silence--was to acknowledge it openly, --at least in the
+opinion of one half of the world; and to make a bustle again, in
+contradicting it, --was to confirm it as strongly in the opinion of the
+other half.------
+
+----Was ever poor devil of a country gentleman so hampered? said my
+father.
+
+I would shew him publickly, said my uncle _Toby_, at the market cross.
+
+----'Twill have no effect, said my father.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+----I'll put him, however, into breeches, said my father, --let the
+world say what it will.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+There are a thousand resolutions, Sir, both in church and state, as well
+as in matters, Madam, of a more private concern; --which though they
+have carried all the appearance in the world of being taken, and entered
+upon in a hasty, hare-brained, and unadvised manner, were,
+notwithstanding this (and could you or I have got into the cabinet, or
+stood behind the curtain, we should have found it was so), weighed,
+poized, and perpended----argued upon--canvassed through----entered into,
+and examined on all sides with so much coolness, that the GODDESS of
+COOLNESS herself (I do not take upon me to prove her existence) could
+neither have wished it, or done it better.
+
+Of the number of these was my father's resolution of putting me into
+breeches; which, though determined at once, --in a kind of huff, and a
+defiance of all mankind, had, nevertheless, been _pro'd_ and _conn'd_,
+and judicially talked over betwixt him and my mother about a month
+before, in two several _beds of justice_, which my father had held for
+that purpose. I shall explain the nature of these beds of justice in my
+next chapter; and in the chapter following that, you shall step with me,
+Madam, behind the curtain, only to hear in what kind of manner my father
+and my mother debated between themselves, this affair of the breeches,
+--from which you may form an idea, how they debated all lesser matters.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+The ancient _Goths_ of _Germany_, who (the learned _Cluverius_ is
+positive) were first seated in the country between the _Vistula_ and the
+_Oder_, and who afterwards incorporated the _Herculi_, the _Bugians_,
+and some other _Vandallick_ clans to 'em--had all of them a wise custom
+of debating everything of importance to their state, twice; that is,
+--once drunk, and once sober: ----Drunk, --that their councils might not
+want vigour; ----and sober--that they might not want discretion.
+
+Now my father being entirely a water-drinker, --was a long time
+gravelled almost to death, in turning this as much to his advantage, as
+he did every other thing which the ancients did or said; and it was not
+till the seventh year of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless
+experiments and devices, that he hit upon an expedient which answered
+the purpose; ----and that was, when any difficult and momentous point
+was to be settled in the family, which required great sobriety, and
+great spirit too, in its determination, ----he fixed and set apart the
+first _Sunday_ night in the month, and the _Saturday_ night which
+immediately preceded it, to argue it over, in bed, with my mother: By
+which contrivance, if you consider, Sir, with yourself,   *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *
+
+These my father, humorously enough, called his _beds of justice_;
+----for from the two different counsels taken in these two different
+humours, a middle one was generally found out which touched the point of
+wisdom as well, as if he had got drunk and sober a hundred times.
+
+It must not be made a secret of to the world, that this answers full as
+well in literary discussions, as either in military or conjugal; but it
+is not every author that can try the experiment as the _Goths_ and
+_Vandals_ did it----or, if he can, may it be always for his body's
+health; and to do it, as my father did it, --am I sure it would be
+always for his soul's.
+
+My way is this:----
+
+In all nice and ticklish discussions--(of which, heaven knows, there are
+but too many in my book), --where I find I cannot take a step without
+the danger of having either their worships or their reverences upon my
+back ----I write one-half _full_, --and t'other _fasting_; ----or write
+it all full, --and correct it fasting: ----or write it fasting, --and
+correct it full, for they all come to the same thing: ----So that with a
+less variation from my father's plan, than my father's from the
+_Gothick_ ----I feel myself upon a par with him in his first bed of
+justice, --and no way inferior to him in his second. ----These different
+and almost irreconcileable effects, flow uniformly from the wise and
+wonderful mechanism of nature, --of which, --be her's the honour.
+----All that we can do, is to turn and work the machine to the
+improvement and better manufactory of the arts and sciences.----
+
+Now, when I write full, --I write as if I was never to write fasting
+again as long as I live; ----that is, I write free from the cares as
+well as the terrors of the world. ----I count not the number of my
+scars, --nor does my fancy go forth into dark entries and bye-corners to
+antedate my stabs. ----In a word, my pen takes its course; and I write
+on as much from the fulness of my heart, as my stomach.----
+
+But when, an' please your honours, I indite fasting, 'tis a different
+history. ----I pay the world all possible attention and respect, --and
+have as great a share (whilst it lasts) of that under-strapping virtue
+of discretion as the best of you. ----So that betwixt both, I write a
+careless kind of a civil, nonsensical, good-humoured _Shandean_ book,
+which will do all your hearts good------
+
+----And all your heads too, --provided you understand it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+We should begin, said my father, turning himself half round in bed, and
+shifting his pillow a little towards my mother's, as he opened the
+debate ----We should begin to think, Mrs. _Shandy_, of putting this boy
+into breeches.----
+
+We should so, --said my mother. ----We defer it, my dear, quoth my
+father, shamefully.------
+
+I think we do, Mr. _Shandy_, --said my mother.
+
+----Not but the child looks extremely well, said my father, in his vests
+and tunicks.------
+
+------He does look very well in them, --replied my mother.------
+
+----And for that reason it would be almost a sin, added my father, to
+take him out of 'em.----
+
+----It would so, --said my mother: ----But indeed he is growing a very
+tall lad, --rejoined my father.
+
+----He is very tall for his age, indeed, --said my mother.----
+
+----I can not (making two syllables of it) imagine, quoth my father, who
+the deuce he takes after.----
+
+I cannot conceive, for my life, --said my mother.----
+
+Humph! ----said my father.
+
+(The dialogue ceased for a moment.)
+
+----I am very short myself, --continued my father gravely.
+
+You are very short, Mr. _Shandy_, --said my mother.
+
+Humph! quoth my father to himself, a second time: in muttering which, he
+plucked his pillow a little further from my mother's--and turning about
+again, there was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half.
+
+----When he gets these breeches made, cried my father in a higher tone,
+he'll look like a beast in 'em.
+
+He will be very awkward in them at first, replied my mother.----
+
+----And 'twill be lucky, if that's the worst on't, added my father.
+
+It will be very lucky, answered my mother.
+
+I suppose, replied my father, --making some pause first, --he'll be
+exactly like other people's children.----
+
+Exactly, said my mother.------
+
+----Though I shall be sorry for that, added my father: and so the debate
+stopp'd again.
+
+----They should be of leather, said my father, turning him about
+again.--
+
+They will last him, said my mother, the longest.
+
+But he can have no linings to 'em, replied my father.------
+
+He cannot, said my mother.
+
+'Twere better to have them of fustian, quoth my father.
+
+Nothing can be better, quoth my mother.------
+
+--Except dimity, --replied my father: ----'Tis best of all, --replied my
+mother.
+
+----One must not give him his death, however, --interrupted my father.
+
+By no means, said my mother: ----and so the dialogue stood still again.
+
+I am resolved, however, quoth my father, breaking silence the fourth
+time, he shall have no pockets in them.--
+
+----There is no occasion for any, said my mother.------
+
+I mean in his coat and waistcoat, --cried my father.
+
+----I mean so too, --replied my mother.
+
+----Though if he gets a gig or top ----Poor souls! it is a crown and a
+sceptre to them, --they should have where to secure it.------
+
+Order it as you please, Mr. _Shandy_, replied my mother.------
+
+----But don't you think it right? added my father, pressing the point
+home to her.
+
+Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases you, Mr. _Shandy_.------
+
+----There's for you! cried my father, losing temper ----Pleases me!
+----You never will distinguish, Mrs. _Shandy_, nor shall I ever teach
+you to do it, betwixt a point of pleasure and a point of convenience.
+----This was on the _Sunday_ night: ----and further this chapter sayeth
+not.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+After my father had debated the affair of the breeches with my mother,
+--he consulted _Albertus Rubenius_ upon it; and _Albertus Rubenius_ used
+my father ten times worse in the consultation (if possible) than even my
+father had used my mother: For as _Rubenius_ had wrote a quarto
+_express_, _De re Vestiaria Veterum_, --it was _Rubenius's_ business to
+have given my father some lights. --On the contrary, my father might as
+well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal virtues out of a long
+beard, --as of extracting a single word out of _Rubenius_ upon the
+subject.
+
+Upon every other article of ancient dress, _Rubenius_ was very
+communicative to my father; --gave him a full and satisfactory account
+of
+
+  The Toga, or loose gown.
+  The Chlamys.
+  The Ephod.
+  The Tunica, or Jacket.
+  The Synthesis.
+  The Pćnula.
+  The Lacema, with its Cucullus.
+  The Paludamentum.
+  The Prćtexta.
+  The Sagum, or soldier's jerkin.
+  The Trabea: of which, according to _Suetonius_, there were three
+kinds.--
+
+----But what are all these to the breeches? said my father.
+
+_Rubenius_ threw him down upon the counter all kinds of shoes which had
+been in fashion with the _Romans_.------
+
+There was,
+
+              The open shoe.
+              The close shoe.
+              The slip shoe.
+              The wooden shoe.
+              The soc.
+              The buskin.
+          And The military shoe with hobnails in it, which _Juvenal_
+              takes notice of.
+  There were, The clogs.
+              The pattins.
+              The pantoufles.
+              The brogues.
+              The sandals, with latchets to them.
+  There was,  The felt shoe.
+              The linen shoe.
+              The laced shoe.
+              The braided shoe.
+              The calceus incisus.
+          And The calceus rostratus.
+
+_Rubenius_ shewed my father how well they all fitted, --in what manner
+they laced on, --with what points, straps, thongs, latchets, ribbands,
+jaggs, and ends.------
+
+----But I want to be informed about the breeches, said my father.
+
+_Albertus Rubenius_ informed my father that the _Romans_ manufactured
+stuffs of various fabrics, ----some plain, --some striped, --others
+diapered throughout the whole contexture of the wool, with silk and
+gold ----That linen did not begin to be in common use till towards the
+declension of the empire, when the _Egyptians_ coming to settle amongst
+them, brought it into vogue.
+
+----That persons of quality and fortune distinguished themselves by the
+fineness and whiteness of their clothes; which colour (next to purple,
+which was appropriated to the great offices) they most affected, and
+wore on their birthdays and public rejoicings. ----That it appeared from
+the best historians of those times, that they frequently sent their
+clothes to the fuller, to be clean'd and whitened: ----but that the
+inferior people, to avoid that expence, generally wore brown clothes,
+and of a something coarser texture, --till towards the beginning of
+_Augustus's_ reign, when the slave dressed like his master, and almost
+every distinction of habiliment was lost, but the _Latus Clavus_.
+
+And what was the _Latus Clavus?_ said my father.
+
+_Rubenius_ told him, that the point was still litigating amongst the
+learned: ----That _Egnatius_, _Sigonius_, _Bossius Ticinensis_,
+_Bayfius_, _Budćus_, _Salmasius_, _Lipsius_, _Lazius_, _Isaac Casaubon_,
+and _Joseph Scaliger_, all differed from each other, --and he from them:
+That some took it to be the button, --some the coat itself, --others
+only the colour of it: --That the great _Bayfius_, in his Wardrobe of
+the Ancients, chap. 12--honestly said, he knew not what it was,
+--whether a tibula, --a stud, --a button, --a loop, --a buckle, --or
+clasps and keepers.------
+
+----My father lost the horse, but not the saddle ----They are _hooks and
+eyes_, said my father----and with hooks and eyes he ordered my breeches
+to be made.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+We are now going to enter upon a new scene of events.------
+
+----Leave we then the breeches in the taylor's hands, with my father
+standing over him with his cane, reading him as he sat at work a lecture
+upon the _latus clavus_, and pointing to the precise part of the
+waistband, where he was determined to have it sewed on.----
+
+Leave we my mother--(truest of all the _Pococurantes_ of her
+sex!)--careless about it, as about everything else in the world which
+concerned her; --that is, --indifferent whether it was done this way or
+that, --provided it was but done at all.----
+
+Leave we _Slop_ likewise to the full profits of all my dishonours.------
+
+Leave we poor _Le Fever_ to recover, and get home from _Marseilles_ as
+he can. ----And last of all, --because the hardest of all----
+
+Let us leave, if possible, _myself_: ----But 'tis impossible, --I must
+go along with you to the end of the work.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+If the reader has not a clear conception of the rood and the half of
+ground which lay at the bottom of my uncle _Toby's_ kitchen-garden, and
+which was the scene of so many of his delicious hours, --the fault is
+not in me, --but in his imagination; --for I am sure I gave him so
+minute a description, I was almost ashamed of it.
+
+When FATE was looking forwards one afternoon, into the great
+transactions of future times, --and recollected for what purposes this
+little plot, by a decree fast bound down in iron, had been destined,
+---she gave a nod to NATURE, --'twas enough --Nature threw half a spade
+full of her kindliest compost upon it, with just so _much_ clay in it,
+as to retain the forms of angles and indentings, --and so _little_ of it
+too, as not to cling to the spade, and render works of so much glory,
+nasty in foul weather.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ came down, as the reader has been informed, with plans
+along with him, of almost every fortified town in _Italy_ and
+_Flanders_; so let the Duke of _Marlborough_, or the allies, have set
+down before what town they pleased, my uncle _Toby_ was prepared for
+them.
+
+His way, which was the simplest one in the world, was this; as soon as
+ever a town was invested--(but sooner when the design was known) to take
+the plan of it (let it be what town it would), and enlarge it upon a
+scale to the exact size of his bowling-green; upon the surface of which,
+by means of a large role of packthread, and a number of small piquets
+driven into the ground, at the several angles and redans, he transferred
+the lines from his paper; then taking the profile of the place, with its
+works, to determine the depths and slopes of the ditches, --the talus of
+the glacis, and the precise height of the several banquets, parapets,
+&c. --he set the corporal to work----and sweetly went it on: ----The
+nature of the soil, --the nature of the work itself, --and above all,
+the good-nature of my uncle _Toby_ sitting by from morning to night, and
+chatting kindly with the corporal upon past-done deeds, --left LABOUR
+little else but the ceremony of the name.
+
+When the place was finished in this manner, and put into a proper
+posture of defence, --it was invested, --and my uncle _Toby_ and the
+corporal began to run their first parallel. ----I beg I may not be
+interrupted in my story, by being told, _That the first parallel should
+be at least three hundred toises distant from the main body of the
+place, --and that I have not left a single inch for it_; ------for my
+uncle _Toby_ took the liberty of incroaching upon his kitchen-garden,
+for the sake of enlarging his works on the bowling-green, and for that
+reason generally ran his first and second parallels betwixt two rows of
+his cabbages and his cauliflowers; the conveniences and inconveniences
+of which will be considered at large in the history of my uncle _Toby's_
+and the corporal's campaigns, of which, this I'm now writing is but a
+sketch, and will be finished, if I conjecture right, in three pages (but
+there is no guessing) ----The campaigns themselves will take up as many
+books; and therefore I apprehend it would be hanging too great a weight
+of one kind of matter in so flimsy a performance as this, to rhapsodize
+them, as I once intended, into the body of the work----surely they had
+better be printed apart, ----we'll consider the affair----so take the
+following sketch of them in the meantime.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+When the town, with its works, was finished, my uncle _Toby_ and the
+corporal began to run their first parallel----not at random, or any
+how----but from the same points and distances the allies had begun to
+run theirs; and regulating their approaches and attacks, by the accounts
+my uncle _Toby_ received from the daily papers, --they went on, during
+the whole siege, step by step with the allies.
+
+When the duke of _Marlborough_ made a lodgment, ----my uncle _Toby_ made
+a lodgment too, ----And when the face of a bastion was battered down, or
+a defence ruined, --the corporal took his mattock and did as much, --and
+so on; ----gaining ground, and making themselves masters of the works
+one after another, till the town fell into their hands.
+
+To one who took pleasure in the happy state of others, --there could not
+have been a greater sight in the world, than, on a post-morning, in
+which a practicable breach had been made by the duke of _Marlborough_,
+in the main body of the place, --to have stood behind the horn-beam
+hedge, and observed the spirit with which my uncle _Toby_, with _Trim_
+behind him, sallied forth; ----the one with the _Gazette_ in his hand,
+--the other with a spade on his shoulder to execute the contents.
+----What an honest triumph in my uncle _Toby's_ looks as he marched up
+to the ramparts! What intense pleasure swimming in his eye as he stood
+over the corporal, reading the paragraph ten times over to him, as he
+was at work, lest, peradventure, he should make the breach an inch too
+wide, --or leave it an inch too narrow. ----But when the _chamade_ was
+beat, and the corporal helped my uncle up it, and followed with the
+colours in his hand, to fix them upon the ramparts --Heaven! Earth! Sea!
+----but what avails apostrophes? ----with all your elements, wet or dry,
+ye never compounded so intoxicating a draught.
+
+In this track of happiness for many years, without one interruption to
+it, except now and then when the wind continued to blow due west for a
+week or ten days together, which detained the _Flanders_ mail, and kept
+them so long in torture, --but still 'twas the torture of the
+happy ----In this track, I say, did my uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_ move for
+many years, every year of which, and sometimes every month, from the
+invention of either the one or the other of them, adding some new
+conceit or quirk of improvement to their operations, which always opened
+fresh springs of delight in carrying them on.
+
+The first year's campaign was carried on from beginning to end, in the
+plain and simple method I've related.
+
+In the second year, in which my uncle _Toby_ took _Liege_ and
+_Ruremond_, he thought he might afford the expence of four handsome
+draw-bridges, of two of which I have given an exact description in the
+former part of my work.
+
+At the latter end of the same year he added a couple of gates with
+portcullises: ----These last were converted afterwards into orgues, as
+the better thing; and during the winter of the same year, my uncle
+_Toby_, instead of a new suit of clothes, which he always had at
+_Christmas_, treated himself with a handsome sentry-box, to stand at the
+corner of the bowling-green, betwixt which point and the foot of the
+glacis, there was left a little kind of an esplanade for him and the
+corporal to confer and hold councils of war upon.
+
+----The sentry-box was in case of rain.
+
+All these were painted white three times over the ensuing spring, which
+enabled my uncle _Toby_ to take the field with great splendour.
+
+My father would often say to _Yorick_, that if any mortal in the whole
+universe had done such a thing, except his brother _Toby_, it would have
+been looked upon by the world as one of the most refined satires upon
+the parade and prancing manner in which _Lewis_ XIV. from the beginning
+of the war, but particularly that very year, had taken the field ----But
+'tis not my brother _Toby's_ nature, kind soul! my father would add, to
+insult any one.
+
+----But let us go on.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+I must observe, that although in the first year's campaign, the word
+_town_ is often mentioned, --yet there was no town at that time within
+the polygon; that addition was not made till the summer following the
+spring in which the bridges and sentry-box were painted, which was the
+third year of my uncle _Toby's_ campaigns, --when upon his taking
+_Amberg_, _Bonn_, and _Rhinberg_, and _Huy_ and _Limbourg_, one after
+another, a thought came into the corporal's head, that to talk of taking
+so many towns, _without one TOWN to shew for it_, --was a very
+nonsensical way of going to work, and so proposed to my uncle _Toby_,
+that they should have a little model of a town built for them, --to be
+run up together of slit deals, and then painted, and clapped within the
+interior polygon to serve for all.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ felt the good of the project instantly, and instantly
+agreed to it, but with the addition of two singular improvements, of
+which he was almost as proud as if he had been the original inventor of
+the project itself.
+
+The one was, to have the town built exactly in the style of those of
+which it was most likely to be the representative: ----with grated
+windows, and the gable ends of the houses, facing the streets, &c. &c.
+--as those in _Ghent_ and _Bruges_, and the rest of the towns in
+_Brabant_ and _Flanders_.
+
+The other was, not to have the houses run up together, as the corporal
+proposed, but to have every house independent, to hook on, or off, so as
+to form into the plan of whatever town they pleased. This was put
+directly into hand, and many and many a look of mutual congratulation
+was exchanged between my uncle _Toby_ and the corporal, as the carpenter
+did the work.
+
+----It answered prodigiously the next summer----the town was a perfect
+_Proteus_ ----It was _Landen_, and _Trerebach_, and _Santvliet_, and
+_Drusen_, and _Hagenau_, --and then it was _Ostend_ and _Menin_, and
+_Aeth_ and _Dendermond_.
+
+----Surely never did any TOWN act so many parts, since _Sodom_ and
+_Gomorah_, as my uncle _Toby's_ town did.
+
+In the fourth year, my uncle _Toby_ thinking a town looked foolishly
+without a church, added a very fine one with a steeple. ----_Trim_ was
+for having bells in it; ----my uncle _Toby_ said, the metal had better
+be cast into cannon.
+
+This led the way the next campaign for half a dozen brass field-pieces,
+to be planted three and three on each side of my uncle _Toby's_
+sentry-box; and in a short time, these led the way for a train of
+somewhat larger, --and so on--(as must always be the case in
+hobby-horsical affairs) from pieces of half an inch bore, till it came
+at last to my father's jack boots.
+
+The next year, which was that in which _Lisle_ was besieged, and at the
+close of which both _Ghent_ and _Bruges_ fell into our hands, --my uncle
+_Toby_ was sadly put to it for _proper_ ammunition; ----I say proper
+ammunition----because his great artillery would not bear powder; and
+'twas well for the _Shandy_ family they would not ----For so full were
+the papers, from the beginning to the end of the siege, of the incessant
+firings kept up by the besiegers, ----and so heated was my uncle
+_Toby's_ imagination with the accounts of them, that he had infallibly
+shot away all his estate.
+
+SOMETHING therefore was wanting as a _succedaneum_, especially in one or
+two of the more violent paroxysms of the siege, to keep up something
+like a continual firing in the imagination, ----and this _something_,
+the corporal, whose principal strength lay in invention, supplied by an
+entire new system of battering of his own, --without which, this had
+been objected to by military critics, to the end of the world, as one of
+the great _desiderata_ of my uncle _Toby's_ apparatus.
+
+This will not be explained the worse, for setting off, as I generally
+do, at a little distance from the subject.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+
+With two or three other trinkets, small in themselves, but of great
+regard, which poor _Tom_, the corporal's unfortunate brother, had sent
+him over, with the account of his marriage with the _Jew's_
+widow----there was
+
+A _Montero_-cap and two _Turkish_ tobacco-pipes.
+
+The _Montero_-cap I shall describe by and bye. ----The _Turkish_
+tobacco-pipes had nothing particular in them, they were fitted up and
+ornamented as usual, with flexible tubes of _Morocco_ leather and gold
+wire, and mounted at their ends, the one of them with ivory, --the other
+with black ebony, tipp'd with silver.
+
+My father, who saw all things in lights different from the rest of the
+world, would say to the corporal, that he ought to look upon these two
+presents more as tokens of his brother's nicety, than his affection.
+----_Tom_ did not care, _Trim_, he would say, to put on the cap, or to
+smoke in the tobacco-pipe of a _Jew_. ----God bless your honour, the
+corporal would say, (giving a strong reason to the contrary)--how can
+that be?
+
+The Montero-cap was scarlet, of a superfine _Spanish_ cloth, dyed in
+grain, and mounted all round with fur, except about four inches in the
+front, which was faced with a light blue, slightly embroidered, --and
+seemed to have been the property of a _Portuguese_ quartermaster, not of
+foot, but of horse, as the word denotes.
+
+The corporal was not a little proud of it, as well for its own sake, as
+the sake of the giver, so seldom or never put it on but upon GALA-days;
+and yet never was a Montero-cap put to so many uses; for in all
+controverted points, whether military or culinary, provided the corporal
+was sure he was in the right, --it was either his _oath_, --his _wager_,
+--or his _gift_.
+
+----'Twas his gift in the present case.
+
+I'll be bound, said the corporal, speaking to himself, to _give_ away my
+Montero-cap to the first beggar who comes to the door, if I do not
+manage this matter to his honour's satisfaction.
+
+The completion was no further off than the very next morning; which was
+that of the storm of the counterscarp betwixt the _Lower Deule_, to the
+right, and the gate _St. Andrew_, --and on the left, between St.
+_Magdalen's_ and the river.
+
+As this was the most memorable attack in the whole war, --the most
+gallant and obstinate on both sides, --and I must add the most bloody
+too, for it cost the allies themselves that morning above eleven hundred
+men, --my uncle _Toby_ prepared himself for it with a more than ordinary
+solemnity.
+
+The eve which preceded, as my uncle _Toby_ went to bed, he ordered his
+ramallie wig, which had laid inside out for many years in the corner of
+an old compaigning trunk, which stood by his bedside, to be taken out
+and laid upon the lid of it, ready for the morning; --and the very first
+thing he did in his shirt, when he had stepped out of bed, my uncle
+_Toby_, after he had turned the rough side outwards, --put it on:
+----This done, he proceeded next to his breeches, and having buttoned
+the waistband, he forthwith buckled on his sword-belt, and had got his
+sword half way in, --when he considered he should want shaving, and that
+it would be very inconvenient doing it with his sword on, --so took it
+off: ----In assaying to put on his regimental coat and waistcoat, my
+uncle _Toby_ found the same objection in his wig, --so that went off
+too: --So that what with one thing and what with another, as always
+falls out when a man is in the most haste, --'twas ten o'clock, which
+was half an hour later than his usual time, before my uncle _Toby_
+sallied out.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+
+My uncle _Toby_ had scarce turned the corner of his yew hedge, which
+separated his kitchen-garden from his bowling-green, when he perceived
+the corporal had begun the attack without him.------
+
+Let me stop and give you a picture of the corporal's apparatus; and of
+the corporal himself in the height of his attack, just as it struck my
+uncle _Toby_, as he turned towards the sentry-box, where the corporal
+was at work, ----for in nature there is not such another, ----nor can
+any combination of all that is grotesque and whimsical in her works
+produce its equal.
+
+The corporal------
+
+----Tread lightly on his ashes, ye men of genius, ----for he was your
+kinsman:
+
+Weed his grave clean, ye men of goodness, --for he was your brother.
+--Oh corporal! had I thee, but now, --now, that I am able to give thee a
+dinner and protection, --how would I cherish thee! thou should'st wear
+thy Montero-cap every hour of the day, and every day of the week, --and
+when it was worn out, I would purchase thee a couple like it: ----But
+alas! alas! alas! now that I can do this in spite of their
+reverences--the occasion is lost--for thou art gone; --thy genius fled
+up to the stars from whence it came; --and that warm heart of thine,
+with all its generous and open vessels, compressed into a _clod of the
+valley!_
+
+----But what----what is this, to that future and dreaded page, where I
+look towards the velvet pall, decorated with the military ensigns of thy
+master--the first--the foremost of created beings; ----where, I shall
+see thee, faithful servant! laying his sword and scabbard with a
+trembling hand across his coffin, and then returning pale as ashes to
+the door, to take his mourning horse by the bridle, to follow his
+hearse, as he directed thee; ----where--all my father's systems shall be
+baffled by his sorrows; and, in spite of his philosophy, I shall behold
+him, as he inspects the lackered plate, twice taking his spectacles from
+off his nose, to wipe away the dew which nature has shed upon
+them ----When I see him cast in the rosemary with an air of
+disconsolation, which cries through my ears, ----O _Toby!_ in what
+corner of the world shall I seek thy fellow?
+
+----Gracious powers! which erst have opened the lips of the dumb in his
+distress, and made the tongue of the stammerer speak plain----when I
+shall arrive at this dreaded page, deal not with me, then, with a
+stinted hand.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+
+The corporal, who the night before had resolved in his mind to supply
+the grand _desideratum_, of keeping up something like an incessant
+firing upon the enemy during the heat of the attack, --had no further
+idea in his fancy at that time, than a contrivance of smoking tobacco
+against the town, out of one of my uncle _Toby's_ six field-pieces,
+which were planted on each side of his sentry-box; the means of
+effecting which occurring to his fancy at the time same, though he had
+pledged his cap, he thought it in no danger from the miscarriage of his
+projects.
+
+Upon turning it this way, and that, a little in his mind, he soon began
+to find out, that by means of his two _Turkish_ tobacco-pipes, with the
+supplement of three smaller tubes of wash-leather at each of their lower
+ends, to be tagg'd by the same number of tin-pipes fitted to the
+touch-holes, and sealed with clay next the cannon, and then tied
+hermetically with waxed silk at their several insertions into the
+_Morocco_ tube, --he should be able to fire the six field-pieces all
+together, and with the same ease as to fire one.------
+
+----Let no man say from what taggs and jaggs hints may not be cut out
+for the advancement of human knowledge. Let no man, who has read my
+father's first and second _beds of justice_, ever rise up and say again,
+from collision of what kinds of bodies light may or may not be struck
+out, to carry the arts and sciences up to perfection. ----Heaven! thou
+knowest how I love them; ----thou knowest the secrets of my heart, and
+that I would this moment give my shirt ----Thou art a fool, _Shandy_,
+says _Eugenius_, for thou hast but a dozen in the world, --and 'twill
+break thy set.----
+
+No matter for that, _Eugenius_; I would give the shirt off my back to be
+burned into tinder, were it only to satisfy one feverish enquirer, how
+many sparks at one good stroke, a good flint and steel could strike into
+the tail of it. ----Think ye not that in striking these _in_, --he
+might, peradventure, strike something _out?_ as sure as a gun.----
+
+----But this project, by the bye.
+
+The corporal sat up the best part of the night, in bringing _his_ to
+perfection; and having made a sufficient proof of his cannon, with
+charging them to the top with tobacco, --he went with contentment to
+bed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+
+The corporal had slipped out about ten minutes before my uncle _Toby_,
+in order to fix his apparatus, and just give the enemy a shot or two
+before my uncle _Toby_ came.
+
+He had drawn the six field-pieces for this end, all close up together in
+front of my uncle _Toby's_ sentry-box, leaving only an interval of about
+a yard and a half betwixt the three, on the right and left, for the
+convenience of charging, &c. --and the sake possibly of two batteries,
+which he might think double the honour of one.
+
+In the rear and facing this opening, with his back to the door of the
+sentry-box, for fear of being flanked, had the corporal wisely taken his
+post: ----He held the ivory pipe, appertaining to the battery on the
+right, betwixt the finger and thumb of his right hand, --and the ebony
+pipe tipp'd with silver, which appertained to the battery on the left,
+betwixt the finger and thumb of the other----and with his right knee
+fixed firm upon the ground, as if in the front rank of his platoon, was
+the corporal with his Montero-cap upon his head, furiously playing off
+his two cross batteries at the same time against the counter-guard,
+which faced the counter-scarp, where the attack was to be made that
+morning. His first intention, as I said, was no more than giving the
+enemy a single puff or two; --but the pleasure of the _puffs_, as well
+as the _puffing_, had insensibly got hold of the corporal, and drawn him
+on from puff to puff, into the very height of the attack, by the time my
+uncle _Toby_ joined him.
+
+'Twas well for my father, that my uncle _Toby_ had not his will to make
+that day.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+
+My uncle _Toby_ took the ivory pipe out of the corporal's hand, --looked
+at it for half a minute, and returned it.
+
+In less than two minutes, my uncle _Toby_ took the pipe from the
+corporal again, and raised it half way to his mouth----then hastily gave
+it back a second time.
+
+The corporal redoubled the attack, ----my uncle _Toby_ smiled, ----then
+looked grave, ----then smiled for a moment, ----then looked serious for
+a long time; ----Give me hold of the ivory pipe, _Trim_, said my uncle
+_Toby_----my uncle _Toby_ put it to his lips, ----drew it back directly,
+--gave a peep over the horn-beam hedge; ----never did my uncle _Toby's_
+mouth water so much for a pipe in his life. ----My uncle _Toby_ retired
+into the sentry-box with the pipe in his hand.------
+
+----Dear uncle _Toby!_ don't go into the sentry-box with the pipe,
+--there's no trusting a man's self with such a thing in such a corner.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+
+I beg the reader will assist me here, to wheel off my uncle _Toby's_
+ordnance behind the scenes, ----to remove his sentry-box, and clear the
+theatre, _if possible_, of horn-works and half moons, and get the rest
+of his military apparatus out of the way; ----that done, my dear friend
+_Garrick_, we'll snuff the candles bright, --sweep the stage with a new
+broom, --draw up the curtain, and exhibit my uncle _Toby_ dressed in a
+new character, throughout which the world can have no idea how he will
+act: and yet, if pity be a-kin to love, --and bravery no alien to it,
+you have seen enough of my uncle _Toby_ in these, to trace these family
+likenesses betwixt the two passions (in case there is one) to your
+heart's content.
+
+Vain science! thou assistest us in no case of this kind--and thou
+puzzlest us in every one.
+
+There was, Madam, in my uncle _Toby_, a singleness of heart which misled
+him so far out of the little serpentine tracks in which things of this
+nature usually go on; you can--you can have no conception of it: with
+this, there was a plainness and simplicity of thinking, with such an
+unmistrusting ignorance of the plies and foldings of the heart of woman;
+----and so naked and defenceless did he stand before you (when a siege
+was out of his head), that you might have stood behind any one of your
+serpentine walks, and shot my uncle _Toby_ ten times in a day, through
+his liver, if nine times in a day, Madam, had not served your purpose.
+
+With all this, Madam, --and what confounded everything as much on the
+other hand, my uncle _Toby_ had that unparalleled modesty of nature I
+once told you of, and which, by the bye, stood eternal sentry upon his
+feelings, that you might as soon ----But where am I going? these
+reflections crowd in upon me ten pages at least too soon, and take up
+that time, which I ought to bestow upon facts.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+
+Of the few legitimate sons of _Adam_ whose breasts never felt what the
+sting of love was, --(maintaining first, all mysogynists to be
+bastards)--the greatest heroes of ancient and modern story have carried
+off amongst them nine parts in ten of the honour; and I wish for their
+sakes I had the key of my study, out of my draw-well, only for five
+minutes, to tell you their names--recollect them I cannot--so be content
+to accept of these, for the present, in their stead.------
+
+There was the great king _Aldrovandus_, and _Bosphorus_, and
+_Cappadocius_, and _Dardanus_, and _Pontus_, and _Asius_, ----to say
+nothing of the iron-hearted _Charles_ the XIIth, whom the Countess of
+K***** herself could make nothing of. ----There was _Babylonicus_, and
+_Mediterraneus_, and _Polixenes_, and _Persicus_, and _Prusicus_, not
+one of whom (except _Cappadocius_ and _Pontus_, who were both a little
+suspected) ever once bowed down his breast to the goddess ----The truth
+is, they had all of them something else to do--and so had my uncle
+_Toby_--till Fate--till Fate I say, envying his name the glory of being
+handed down to posterity with _Aldrovandus's_ and the rest, --she basely
+patched up the peace of _Utrecht_.
+
+----Believe me, Sirs, 'twas the worst deed she did that year.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+
+Amongst the many ill consequences of the treaty of _Utrecht_, it was
+within a point of giving my uncle _Toby_ a surfeit of sieges; and though
+he recovered his appetite afterwards, yet _Calais_ itself left not a
+deeper scar in _Mary's_ heart, than _Utrecht_ upon my uncle _Toby's_. To
+the end of his life he never could hear _Utrecht_ mentioned upon any
+account whatever, --or so much as read an article of news extracted out
+of the _Utrecht Gazette_, without fetching a sigh, as if his heart would
+break in twain.
+
+My father, who was a great MOTIVE-MONGER, and consequently a very
+dangerous person for a man to sit by, either laughing or crying, --for
+he generally knew your motive for doing both, much better than you knew
+it yourself--would always console my uncle _Toby_ upon these occasions,
+in a way, which shewed plainly, he imagined my uncle _Toby_ grieved for
+nothing in the whole affair, so much as the loss of his _hobby-horse_.
+----Never mind, brother _Toby_, he would say, --by God's blessing we
+shall have another war break out again some of these days; and when it
+does, --the belligerent powers, if they would hang themselves, cannot
+keep us out of play. ----I defy 'em, my dear _Toby_, he would add, to
+take countries without taking towns, ----or towns without sieges.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ never took this back-stroke of my father's at his
+hobby-horse kindly. ----He thought the stroke ungenerous; and the more
+so, because in striking the horse he hit the rider too, and in the most
+dishonourable part a blow could fall; so that upon these occasions, he
+always laid down his pipe upon the table with more fire to defend
+himself than common.
+
+I told the reader, this time two years, that my uncle _Toby_ was not
+eloquent; and in the very same page gave an instance to the contrary:
+----I repeat the observation, and a fact which contradicts it again.
+--He was not eloquent, --it was not easy to my uncle _Toby_ to make long
+harangues, --and he hated florid ones; but there were occasions where
+the stream overflowed the man, and ran so counter to its usual course,
+that in some parts my uncle _Toby_, for a time, was at least equal to
+_Tertullus_----but in others, in my own opinion, infinitely above him.
+
+My father was so highly pleased with one of these apologetical orations
+of my uncle _Toby's_, which he had delivered one evening before him and
+_Yorick_, that he wrote it down before he went to bed.
+
+I have had the good fortune to meet with it amongst my father's papers,
+with here and there an insertion of his own, betwixt two crooks, thus
+[    ], and is endorsed,
+
+MY BROTHER TOBY'S JUSTIFICATION OF HIS OWN PRINCIPLES AND CONDUCT IN
+WISHING TO CONTINUE THE WAR
+
+
+I may safely say, I have read over this apologetical oration of my uncle
+_Toby's_ a hundred times, and think it so fine a model of defence, --and
+shows so sweet a temperament of gallantry and good principles in him,
+that I give it the world, word for word (interlineations and all), as I
+find it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+MY UNCLE TOBY'S APOLOGETICAL ORATION
+
+
+I am not insensible, brother _Shandy_, that when a man whose profession
+is arms, wishes, as I have done, for war, --it has an ill aspect to the
+world; ----and that, how just and right soever his motives and
+intentions may be, --he stands in an uneasy posture in vindicating
+himself from private views in doing it.
+
+For this cause, if a soldier is a prudent man, which he may be without
+being a jot the less brave, he will be sure not to utter his wish in the
+hearing of an enemy; for say what he will, an enemy will not believe
+him. ----He will be cautious of doing it even to a friend, --lest he may
+suffer in his esteem: ----But if his heart is overcharged, and a secret
+sigh for arms must have its vent, he will reserve it for the ear of a
+brother, who knows his character to the bottom, and what his true
+notions, dispositions, and principles of honour are: What, I _hope_, I
+have been in all these, brother _Shandy_, would be unbecoming in me to
+say: ----much worse, I know, have I been than I ought, --and something
+worse, perhaps, than I think: But such as I am, you, my dear brother
+_Shandy_, who have sucked the same breasts with me, --and with whom I
+have been brought up from my cradle, --and from whose knowledge, from
+the first hours of our boyish pastimes, down to this, I have concealed
+no one action of my life, and scarce a thought in it ----Such as I am,
+brother, you must by this time know me, with all my vices, and with all
+my weaknesses too, whether of my age, my temper, my passions, or my
+understanding.
+
+Tell me then, my dear brother _Shandy_, upon which of them it is, that
+when I condemned the peace of _Utrecht_, and grieved the war was not
+carried on with vigour a little longer, you should think your brother
+did it upon unworthy views; or that in wishing for war, he should be bad
+enough to wish more of his fellow-creatures slain, --more slaves made,
+and more families driven from their peaceful habitations, merely for his
+own pleasure: ----Tell me, brother _Shandy_, upon what one deed of mine
+do you ground it? [_The devil a deed do I know of, dear _Toby_, but one
+for a hundred pounds, which I lent thee to carry on these cursed
+sieges._]
+
+If, when I was a school-boy, I could not hear a drum beat, but my heart
+beat with it--was it my fault? Did I plant the propensity there? ----Did
+I sound the alarm within, or Nature?
+
+When _Guy_, Earl of _Warwick_, and _Parismus_ and _Parismenus_, and
+_Valentine_ and _Orson_, and the _Seven Champions of England_, were
+handed around the school, --were they not all purchased with my own
+pocket-money? Was that selfish, brother _Shandy?_ When we read over the
+siege of _Troy_, which lasted ten years and eight months, ----though
+with such a train of artillery as we had at _Namur_, the town might have
+been carried in a week--was I not as much concerned for the destruction
+of the _Greeks_ and _Trojans_ as any boy of the whole school? Had I not
+three strokes of a ferula given me, two on my right hand, and one on my
+left, for calling _Helena_ a bitch for it? Did any one of you shed more
+tears for _Hector?_ And when king _Priam_ came to the camp to beg his
+body, and returned weeping back to _Troy_ without it, --you know,
+brother, I could not eat my dinner.------
+
+----Did that bespeak me cruel? Or because, brother _Shandy_, my blood
+flew out into the camp, and my heart panted for war, --was it a proof it
+could not ache for the distresses of war too?
+
+O brother! 'tis one thing for a soldier to gather laurels, --and 'tis
+another to scatter cypress. ----[_Who told thee, my dear _Toby_, that
+cypress was used by the antients on mournful occasions?_]
+
+----'Tis one thing, brother _Shandy_, for a soldier to hazard his own
+life--to leap first down into the trench, where he is sure to be cut in
+pieces: ----'Tis one thing, from public spirit and a thirst of glory, to
+enter the breach the first man, --To stand in the foremost rank, and
+march bravely on with drums and trumpets, and colours flying about his
+ears: ----'Tis one thing, I say, brother _Shandy_, to do this, --and
+'tis another thing to reflect on the miseries of war; --to view the
+desolations of whole countries, and consider the intolerable fatigues
+and hardships which the soldier himself, the instrument who works them,
+is forced (for sixpence a day, if he can get it) to undergo.
+
+Need I be told, dear _Yorick_, as I was by you, in _Le Fever's_ funeral
+sermon, _That so soft and gentle a creature, born to love, to mercy, and
+kindness, as man is, was not shaped for this?_ ----But why did you not
+add, _Yorick_, --if not by NATURE--that he is so by NECESSITY? ----For
+what is war? what is it, _Yorick_, when fought as ours has been, upon
+principles of _liberty_, and upon principles of _honour_----what is it,
+but the getting together of quiet and harmless people, with their swords
+in their hands, to keep the ambitious and the turbulent within bounds?
+And heaven is my witness, brother _Shandy_, that the pleasure I have
+taken in these things, --and that infinite delight, in particular, which
+has attended my sieges in my bowling-green, has arose within me, and I
+hope in the corporal too, from the consciousness we both had, that in
+carrying them on, we were answering the great ends of our creation.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+
+
+I told the Christian reader ----I say _Christian_----hoping he is
+one----and if he is not, I am sorry for it----and only beg he will
+consider the matter with himself, and not lay the blame entirely upon
+this book----
+
+I told him, Sir----for in good truth, when a man is telling a story in
+the strange way I do mine, he is obliged continually to be going
+backwards and forwards to keep all tight together in the reader's
+fancy----which, for my own part, if I did not take heed to do more than
+at first, there is so much unfixed and equivocal matter starting up,
+with so many breaks and gaps in it, --and so little service do the stars
+afford, which, nevertheless, I hang up in some of the darkest passages,
+knowing that the world is apt to lose its way, with all the lights the
+sun itself at noon-day can give it----and now you see, I am lost
+myself!------
+
+----But 'tis my father's fault; and whenever my brains come to be
+dissected, you will perceive, without spectacles, that he has left a
+large uneven thread, as you sometimes see in an unsaleable piece of
+cambrick, running along the whole length of the web, and so untowardly,
+you cannot so much as cut out a * *, (here I hang up a couple of lights
+again)----or a fillet, or a thumb-stall, but it is seen or felt.------
+
+_Quanto id diligentius in liberis procreandis cavendum_, sayeth
+_Cardan_. All which being considered, and that you see 'tis morally
+impracticable for me to wind this round to where I set out------
+
+I begin the chapter over again.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+
+
+I told the Christian reader in the beginning of the chapter which
+preceded my uncle _Toby's_ apologetical oration, --though in a different
+trope from what I should make use of now, That the peace of _Utrecht_
+was within an ace of creating the same shyness betwixt my uncle _Toby_
+and his hobby-horse, as it did betwixt the queen and the rest of the
+confederating powers.
+
+There is an indignant way in which a man sometimes dismounts his horse,
+which as good as says to him, "I'll go afoot, Sir, all the days of my
+life, before I would ride a single mile upon your back again." Now my
+uncle _Toby_ could not be said to dismount his horse in this manner; for
+in strictness of language, he could not be said to dismount his horse at
+all----his horse rather flung him----and somewhat _viciously_, which
+made my uncle _Toby_ take it ten times more unkindly. Let this matter be
+settled by state-jockies as they like. ----It created, I say, a sort of
+shyness betwixt my uncle _Toby_ and his hobby-horse. ----He had no
+occasion for him from the month of _March_ to _November_, which was the
+summer after the articles were signed, except it was now and then to
+take a short ride out, just to see that the fortifications and harbour
+of _Dunkirk_ were demolished, according to stipulation.
+
+The _French_ were so backwards all that summer in setting about that
+affair, and Monsieur _Tugghe_, the Deputy from the magistrates of
+_Dunkirk_, presented so many affecting petitions to the queen,
+--beseeching her majesty to cause only her thunder-bolts to fall upon
+the martial works, which might have incurred her displeasure, --but to
+spare--to spare the mole, for the mole's sake; which, in its naked
+situation, could be no more than an object of pity----and the queen (who
+was but a woman) being of a pitiful disposition, --and her ministers
+also, they not wishing in their hearts to have the town dismantled, for
+these private reasons,    *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       * ----
+
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       * ; so that the whole went heavily on with my uncle
+_Toby_; insomuch, that it was not within three full months, after he and
+the corporal had constructed the town, and put it in a condition to be
+destroyed, that the several commandants, commissaries, deputies,
+negociators, and intendants, would permit him to set about it. ----Fatal
+interval of inactivity!
+
+The corporal was for beginning the demolition, by making a breach in the
+ramparts, or main fortifications of the town ----No, --that will never
+do, corporal, said my uncle _Toby_, for in going that way to work with
+the town, the _English_ garrison will not be safe in it an hour; because
+if the _French_ are treacherous ----They are as treacherous as devils,
+an' please your honour, said the corporal ----It gives me concern always
+when I hear it, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, --for they don't want
+personal bravery; and if a breach is made in the ramparts, they may
+enter it, and make themselves masters of the place when they please:
+----Let them enter it, said the corporal, lifting up his pioneer's spade
+in both his hands, as if he was going to lay about him with it, --let
+them enter, an' please your honour, if they dare. ----In cases like
+this, corporal, said my uncle _Toby_, slipping his right hand down to
+the middle of his cane, and holding it afterwards truncheon-wise with
+his forefinger extended, ----'tis no part of the consideration of a
+commandant, what the enemy dare, --or what they dare not do; he must act
+with prudence. We will begin with the outworks both towards the sea and
+the land, and particularly with fort _Louis_, the most distant of them
+all, and demolish it first, --and the rest, one by one, both on our
+right and left, as we retreat towards the town; ----then we'll demolish
+the mole, --next fill up the harbour, --then retire into the citadel,
+and blow it up into the air: and having done that, corporal, we'll
+embark for _England_. ----We are there, quoth the corporal, recollecting
+himself ----Very true, said my uncle _Toby_--looking at the church.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+
+
+A delusive, delicious consultation or two of this kind, betwixt my uncle
+_Toby_ and _Trim_, upon the demolition of _Dunkirk_, --for a moment
+rallied back the ideas of those pleasures, which were slipping from
+under him: ----still--still all went on heavily----the magic left the
+mind the weaker --STILLNESS, with SILENCE at her back, entered the
+solitary parlour, and drew their gauzy mantle over my uncle _Toby's_
+head; ----and LISTLESSNESS, with her lax fibre and undirected eye, sat
+quietly down beside him in his arm-chair. ----No longer _Amberg_ and
+_Rhinberg_, and _Limbourg_, and _Huy_, and _Bonn_, in one year, --and
+the prospect of _Landen_, and _Trerebach_, and _Drusen_, and
+_Dendermond_, the next, --hurried on the blood: --No longer did saps,
+and mines, and blinds, and gabions, and palisadoes, keep out this fair
+enemy of man's repose: ----No more could my uncle _Toby_, after passing
+the _French_ lines, as he eat his egg at supper, from thence break into
+the heart of _France_, --cross over the _Oyes_, and with all _Picardie_
+open behind him, march up to the gates of _Paris_, and fall asleep with
+nothing but ideas of glory: ----No more was he to dream he had fixed the
+royal standard upon the tower of the _Bastile_, and awake with it
+streaming in his head.
+
+----Softer visions, --gentler vibrations stole sweetly in upon his
+slumbers; --the trumpet of war fell out of his hands, --he took up the
+lute, sweet instrument! of all others the most delicate! the most
+difficult! ----how wilt thou touch it, my dear uncle _Toby?_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI
+
+
+Now, because I have once or twice said, in my inconsiderate way of
+talking, That I was confident the following memoirs of my uncle _Toby's_
+courtship of widow _Wadman_, whenever I got time to write them, would
+turn out one of the most complete systems, both of the elementary and
+practical part of love and love-making, that ever was addressed to the
+world----are you to imagine from thence, that I shall set out with a
+description of _what love is?_ whether part God and part Devil, as
+_Plotinus_ will have it----
+
+----Or by a more critical equation, and supposing the whole of love to
+be as ten----to determine with _Ficinus_, "_How many parts of it--the
+one, --and how many the other_;" --or whether it is _all of it one great
+Devil_, from head to tail, as _Plato_ has taken upon him to pronounce;
+concerning which conceit of his, I shall not offer my opinion: --but my
+opinion of _Plato_ is this; that he appears, from this instance, to have
+been a man of much the same temper and way of reasoning with doctor
+_Baynyard_, who being a great enemy to blisters, as imagining that half
+a dozen of 'em at once, would draw a man as surely to his grave, as a
+herse and six--rashly concluded, that the Devil himself was nothing in
+the world, but one great bouncing _Canthari[di]s_.------
+
+I have nothing to say to people who allow themselves this monstrous
+liberty in arguing, but what _Nazianzen_ cried out (_that is,
+polemically_) to _Philagrius_----
+
+"+Euge!+" _O rare! 'tis fine reasoning, Sir, indeed!_-- "+hoti
+philosopheis en Pathesi+"--_and most nobly do you aim at truth, when you
+philosophize about it in your moods and passions._
+
+Nor is it to be imagined, for the same reason, I should stop to inquire,
+whether love is a disease, ----or embroil myself with _Rhasis_ and
+_Dioscorides_, whether the seat of it is in the brain or liver;
+--because this would lead me on, to an examination of the two very
+opposite manners, in which patients have been treated----the one, of
+_Aćtius_, who always begun with a cooling clyster of hempseed and
+bruised cucumbers; --and followed on with thin potations of
+water-lillies and purslane--to which he added a pinch of snuff of the
+herb _Hanea_; --and where _Aćtius_ durst venture it, --his topaz-ring.
+
+----The other, that of _Gordonius_, who (in his cap. 15. _de Amore_)
+directs they should be thrashed, "_ad putorem usque_," ----till they
+stink again.
+
+These are disquisitions, which my father, who had laid in a great stock
+of knowledge of this kind, will be very busy with in the progress of my
+uncle _Toby's_ affairs: I must anticipate thus much, That from his
+theories of love, (with which, by the way, he contrived to crucify my
+uncle _Toby's_ mind, almost as much as his amours themselves)--he took a
+single step into practice; --and by means of a camphorated cerecloth,
+which he found means to impose upon the taylor for buckram, whilst he
+was making my uncle _Toby_ a new pair of breeches, he produced
+_Gordonius's_ effect upon my uncle _Toby_ without the disgrace.
+
+What changes this produced, will be read in its proper place: all that
+is needful to be added to the anecdote, is this ----That whatever effect
+it had upon my uncle _Toby_, ----it had a vile effect upon the house;
+----and if my uncle _Toby_ had not smoaked it down as he did, it might
+have had a vile effect upon my father too.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII
+
+
+----'Twill come out of itself by and bye. ----All I contend for is, that
+I am not obliged to set out with a definition of what love is; and so
+long as I can go on with my story intelligibly, with the help of the
+word itself, without any other idea to it, than what I have in common
+with the rest of the world, why should I differ from it a moment before
+the time? ----When I can get on no further, ----and find myself
+entangled on all sides of this mystic labyrinth, --my Opinion will then
+come in, in course, --and lead me out.
+
+At present, I hope I shall be sufficiently understood, in telling the
+reader, my uncle _Toby_ _fell in love_:
+
+--Not that the phrase is at all to my liking: for to say a man is
+_fallen_ in love, --or that he is _deeply_ in love, --or up to the ears
+in love, --and sometimes even _over head and ears in it_, --carries an
+idiomatical kind of implication, that love is a thing _below_ a man:
+--this is recurring again to _Plato's_ opinion, which, with all his
+divinityship, --I hold to be damnable and heretical: --and so much for
+that.
+
+Let love therefore be what it will, --my uncle _Toby_ fell into it.
+
+----And possibly, gentle reader, with such a temptation--so wouldst
+thou: For never did thy eyes behold, or thy concupiscence covet anything
+in this world, more concupiscible than widow _Wadman_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII
+
+
+To conceive this right, --call for pen and ink--here's paper ready to
+your hand. ----Sit down, Sir, paint her to your own mind----as like your
+mistress as you can----as unlike your wife as your conscience will let
+you--'tis all one to me----please but your own fancy in it.
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+------Was ever any thing in Nature so sweet! --so exquisite!
+
+----Then, dear Sir, how could my uncle _Toby_ resist it?
+
+Thrice happy book! thou wilt have one page, at least, within thy covers,
+which MALICE will not blacken, and which IGNORANCE cannot misrepresent.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX
+
+
+As _Susannah_ was informed by an express from Mrs. _Bridget_, of my
+uncle _Toby's_ falling in love with her mistress fifteen days before it
+happened, --the contents of which express, _Susannah_ communicated to my
+mother the next day, --it has just given me an opportunity of entering
+upon my uncle _Toby's_ amours a fortnight before their existence.
+
+I have an article of news to tell you, Mr. _Shandy_, quoth my mother,
+which will surprise you greatly.----
+
+Now my father was then holding one of his second beds of justice, and
+was musing within himself about the hardships of matrimony, as my mother
+broke silence.------
+
+"----My brother _Toby_, quoth she, is going to be married to Mrs.
+_Wadman_."
+
+----Then he will never, quoth my father, be able to lie _diagonally_ in
+his bed again as long as he lives.
+
+It was a consuming vexation to my father, that my mother never asked the
+meaning of a thing she did not understand.
+
+----That she is not a woman of science, my father would say--is her
+misfortune--but she might ask a question.--
+
+My mother never did. ----In short, she went out of the world at last
+without knowing whether it turned _round_, or stood _still_. ----My
+father had officiously told her above a thousand times which way it was,
+--but she always forgot.
+
+For these reasons, a discourse seldom went on much further betwixt them,
+than a proposition, --a reply, and a rejoinder; at the end of which, it
+generally took breath for a few minutes (as in the affair of the
+breeches), and then went on again.
+
+If he marries, 'twill be the worse for us, --quoth my mother.
+
+Not a cherry-stone, said my father, --he may as well batter away his
+means upon that, as any thing else.
+
+----To be sure, said my mother: so here ended the proposition, --the
+reply, --and the rejoinder, I told you of.
+
+It will be some amusement to him, too, ----said my father.
+
+A very great one, answered my mother, if he should have children.----
+
+----Lord have mercy upon me, --said my father to himself----
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL
+
+
+I am now beginning to get fairly into my work; and by the help of a
+vegetable diet, with a few of the cold seeds, I make no doubt but I
+shall be able to go on with my uncle _Toby's_ story, and my own, in a
+tolerable strait line. Now,
+
+[Illustration:
+
+  _Inv. T. S._                _Scul. T. S._]
+
+These were the four lines I moved in through my first, second, third,
+and fourth volumes.[6.4] --In the fifth volume I have been very good,
+----the precise line I have described in it being this:
+
+[Illustration]
+
+By which it appears, that except at the curve, marked A, where I took a
+trip to _Navarre_, --and the indented curve _B_, which is the short
+airing when I was there with the Lady _Baussiere_ and her page, --I have
+not taken the least frisk of a digression, till _John de la Casse's_
+devils led me the round you see marked D. --for as for _c c c c c_ they
+are nothing but parentheses, and the common _ins_ and _outs_ incident to
+the lives of the greatest ministers of state; and when compared with
+what men have done, --or with my own transgressions at the letters
+A B D--they vanish into nothing.
+
+In this last volume I have done better still--for from the end of _Le
+Fever's_ episode, to the beginning of my uncle _Toby's_ campaigns, --I
+have scarce stepped a yard out of my way.
+
+If I mend at this rate, it is not impossible----by the good leave of his
+grace of _Benevento's_ devils----but I may arrive hereafter at the
+excellency of going on even thus:
+
+  [Illustration (full-width line)]
+
+which is a line drawn as straight as I could draw it, by a
+writing-master's ruler (borrowed for that purpose), turning neither to
+the right hand or to the left.
+
+This _right line_, --the path-way for Christians to walk in! say
+divines----
+
+----The emblem of moral rectitude! says _Cicero_----
+
+----The _best line!_ say cabbage planters----is the shortest line, says
+_Archimedes_, which can be drawn from one given point to another.----
+
+I wish your ladyships would lay this matter to heart, in your next
+birth-day suits!
+
+----What a journey!
+
+Pray can you tell me, --that is, without anger, before I write my
+chapter upon straight lines----by what mistake----who told them so----or
+how it has come to pass, that your men of wit and genius have all along
+confounded this line, with the line of GRAVITATION?
+
+    [Footnote 6.4: Alluding to the first edition.]
+
+
+
+
+BOOK VII
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+No ----I think, I said, I would write two volumes every year, provided
+the vile cough which then tormented me, and which to this hour I dread
+worse than the devil, would but give me leave--and in another
+place--(but where, I can't recollect now) speaking of my book as a
+_machine_, and laying my pen and ruler down cross-wise upon the table,
+in order to gain the greater credit to it --I swore it should be kept a
+going at that rate these forty years, if it pleased but the fountain of
+life to bless me so long with health and good spirits.
+
+Now as for my spirits, little have I to lay to their charge--nay so very
+little (unless the mounting me upon a long stick and playing the fool
+with me nineteen hours out of the twenty-four, be accusations) that on
+the contrary, I have much--much to thank 'em for: cheerily have ye made
+me tread the path of life with all the burthens of it (except its cares)
+upon my back; in no one moment of my existence, that I remember, have ye
+once deserted me, or tinged the objects which came in my way, either
+with sable, or with a sickly green; in dangers ye gilded my horizon with
+hope, and when DEATH himself knocked at my door--ye bad him come again;
+and in so gay a tone of careless indifference did ye do it, that he
+doubted of his commission----
+
+"--There must certainly be some mistake in this matter," quoth he.
+
+Now there is nothing in this world I abominate worse, than to be
+interrupted in a story----and I was that moment telling _Eugenius_ a
+most tawdry one in my way, of a nun who fancied herself a shell-fish,
+and of a monk damn'd for eating a muscle, and was shewing him the
+grounds and justice of the procedure----
+
+"--Did ever so grave a personage get into so vile a scrape?" quoth
+Death. Thou hast had a narrow escape, _Tristram_, said _Eugenius_,
+taking hold of my hand as I finished my story----
+
+But there is no _living_, _Eugenius_, replied I, at this rate; for as
+this _son of a whore_ has found out my lodgings----
+
+--You call him rightly, said _Eugenius_, --for by sin, we are told, he
+enter'd the world ----I care not which way he enter'd, quoth I, provided
+he be not in such a hurry to take me out with him--for I have forty
+volumes to write, and forty thousand things to say and do which no body
+in the world will say and do for me, except thyself; and as thou seest
+he has got me by the throat (for _Eugenius_ could scarce hear me speak
+across the table), and that I am no match for him in the open field, had
+I not better, whilst these few scatter'd spirits remain, and these two
+spider legs of mine (holding one of them up to him) are able to support
+me--had I not better, _Eugenius_, fly for my life? 'Tis my advice, my
+dear _Tristram_, said _Eugenius_ --Then by heaven! I will lead him a
+dance he little thinks of----for I will gallop, quoth I, without looking
+once behind me, to the banks of the _Garonne_; and if I hear him
+clattering at my heels ----I'll scamper away to mount _Vesuvius_----from
+thence to _Joppa_, and from _Joppa_ to the world's end; where, if he
+follows me, I pray God he may break his neck----
+
+--He runs more risk _there_, said _Eugenius_, than thou.
+
+_Eugenius's_ wit and affection brought blood into the cheek from whence
+it had been some months banish'd----'twas a vile moment to bid adieu in;
+he led me to my chaise----_Allons!_ said I; the postboy gave a crack
+with his whip----off I went like a cannon, and in half a dozen bounds
+got into _Dover_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+Now hang it! quoth I, as I look'd towards the _French_ coast--a man
+should know something of his own country too, before he goes
+abroad----and I never gave a peep into _Rochester_ church, or took
+notice of the dock of _Chatham_, or visited St. _Thomas_ at
+_Canterbury_, though they all three laid in my way----
+
+--But mine, indeed, is a particular case----
+
+So without arguing the matter further with _Thomas o' Becket_, or any
+one else --I skip'd into the boat, and in five minutes we got under
+sail, and scudded away like the wind.
+
+Pray, captain, quoth I, as I was going down into the cabin, is a man
+never overtaken by _Death_ in this passage?
+
+Why, there is not time for a man to be sick in it, replied he ----What a
+cursed lyar! for I am sick as a horse, quoth I, already----what a brain!
+----upside down! ----hey-day! the cells are broke loose one into
+another, and the blood, and the lymph, and the nervous juices, with the
+fix'd and volatile salts, are all jumbled into one mass----good G--!
+everything turns round in it like a thousand whirlpools ----I'd give a
+shilling to know if I shan't write the clearer for it----
+
+Sick! sick! sick! sick!----
+
+--When shall we get to land? captain--they have hearts like stones ----O
+I am deadly sick! ----reach me that thing, boy----'tis the most
+discomfiting sickness ----I wish I was at the bottom --Madam! how is it
+with you? Undone! undone! un ----O! undone! sir ----What the first time?
+----No, 'tis the second, third, sixth, tenth time, sir, ----hey-day!
+--what a trampling over head! --hollo! cabin boy! what's the matter?--
+
+The wind chopp'd about! s'Death! --then I shall meet him full in the
+face.
+
+What luck! --'tis chopp'd about again, master ----O the devil chop it----
+
+Captain, quoth she, for heaven's sake, let us get ashore.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+It is a great inconvenience to a man in a haste, that there are three
+distinct roads between _Calais_ and _Paris_, in behalf of which there is
+so much to be said by the several deputies from the towns which lie
+along them, that half a day is easily lost in settling which you'll
+take.
+
+First, the road by _Lisle_ and _Arras_, which is the most about----but
+most interesting and instructing.
+
+The second, that by _Amiens_, which you may go, if you would see
+_Chantilly_----
+
+And that by _Beauvais_, which you may go, if you will.
+
+For this reason a great many chuse to go by _Beauvais_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+"Now before I quit _Calais_," a travel-writer would say, "it would not
+be amiss to give some account of it." --Now I think it very much
+amiss--that a man cannot go quietly through a town and let it alone,
+when it does not meddle with him, but that he must be turning about and
+drawing his pen at every kennel he crosses over, merely o' my conscience
+for the sake of drawing it; because, if we may judge from what has been
+wrote of these things, by all who have _wrote and gallop'd_--or who have
+_gallop'd and wrote_, which is a different way still; or who, for more
+expedition than the rest, have _wrote galloping_, which is the way I do
+at present----from the great _Addison_, who did it with his satchel of
+school books hanging at his a--, and galling his beast's crupper at
+every stroke--there is not a gallopper of us all who might not have gone
+on ambling quietly in his own ground (in case he had any), and have
+wrote all he had to write, dryshod, as well as not.
+
+For my own part, as heaven is my judge, and to which I shall ever make
+my last appeal --I know no more of _Calais_ (except the little my barber
+told me of it as he was whetting his razor), than I do this moment of
+_Grand Cairo_; for it was dusky in the evening when I landed, and dark
+as pitch in the morning when I set out, and yet by merely knowing what
+is what, and by drawing this from that in one part of the town, and by
+spelling and putting this and that together in another --I would lay any
+travelling odds, that I this moment write a chapter upon _Calais_ as
+long as my arm; and with so distinct and satisfactory a detail of every
+item, which is worth a stranger's curiosity in the town--that you would
+take me for the town-clerk of _Calais_ itself--and where, sir, would be
+the wonder? was not _Democritus_, who laughed ten times more than
+I--town-clerk of _Abdera?_ and was not (I forget his name) who had more
+discretion than us both, town-clerk of _Ephesus?_ ----it should be
+penn'd moreover, sir, with so much knowledge and good sense, and truth,
+and precision----
+
+--Nay--if you don't believe me, you may read the chapter for your pains.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+_Calais_, _Calatium_, _Calusium_, _Calesium_.
+
+This town, if we may trust its archives, the authority of which I see no
+reason to call in question in this place--was _once_ no more than a
+small village belonging to one of the first Counts de _Guignes_; and as
+it boasts at present of no less than fourteen thousand inhabitants,
+exclusive of four hundred and twenty distinct families in the _basse
+ville_, or suburbs----it must have grown up by little and little,
+I suppose, to its present size.
+
+Though there are four convents, there is but one parochial church in the
+whole town; I had not an opportunity of taking its exact dimensions, but
+it is pretty easy to make a tolerable conjecture of 'em--for as there
+are fourteen thousand inhabitants in the town, if the church holds them
+all it must be considerably large--and if it will not--'tis a very great
+pity they have not another--it is built in form of a cross, and
+dedicated to the Virgin _Mary_; the steeple, which has a spire to it, is
+placed in the middle of the church, and stands upon four pillars elegant
+and light enough, but sufficiently strong at the same time--it is
+decorated with eleven altars, most of which are rather fine than
+beautiful. The great altar is a masterpiece in its kind; 'tis of white
+marble, and, as I was told, near sixty feet high--had it been much
+higher, it had been as high as mount _Calvary_ itself--therefore,
+I suppose it must be high enough in all conscience.
+
+There was nothing struck me more than the great _Square_; tho' I cannot
+say 'tis either well paved or well built; but 'tis in the heart of the
+town, and most of the streets, especially those in that quarter, all
+terminate in it; could there have been a fountain in all _Calais_, which
+it seems there cannot, as such an object would have been a great
+ornament, it is not to be doubted, but that the inhabitants would have
+had it in the very centre of this square, --not that it is properly a
+square, --because 'tis forty feet longer from east to west, than from
+north to south; so that the _French_ in general have more reason on
+their side in calling them _Places_ than _Squares_, which, strictly
+speaking, to be sure, they are not.
+
+The town-house seems to be but a sorry building, and not to be kept in
+the best repair; otherwise it had been a second great ornament to this
+place; it answers however its destination, and serves very well for the
+reception of the magistrates, who assemble in it from time to time; so
+that 'tis presumable, justice is regularly distributed.
+
+I have heard much of it, but there is nothing at all curious in the
+_Courgain_; 'tis a distinct quarter of the town, inhabited solely by
+sailors and fishermen; it consists of a number of small streets, neatly
+built and mostly of brick; 'tis extremely populous, but as that may be
+accounted for, from the principles of their diet, --there is nothing
+curious in that neither. ----A traveller may see it to satisfy
+himself--he must not omit however taking notice of _La Tour de Guet_,
+upon any account; 'tis so called from its particular destination,
+because in war it serves to discover and give notice of the enemies
+which approach the place, either by sea or land; ----but 'tis monstrous
+high, and catches the eye so continually, you cannot avoid taking notice
+of it if you would.
+
+It was a singular disappointment to me, that I could not have permission
+to take an exact survey of the fortifications, which are the strongest
+in the world, and which, from first to last, that is, from the time they
+were set about by _Philip_ of _France_, Count of _Boulogne_, to the
+present war, wherein many reparations were made, have cost (as I learned
+afterwards from an engineer in _Gascony_)--above a hundred millions of
+livres. It is very remarkable, that at the _Tęte de Gravelenes_, and
+where the town is naturally the weakest, they have expended the most
+money; so that the out-works stretch a great way into the campaign, and
+consequently occupy a large tract of ground --However, after all that is
+_said_ and _done_, it must be acknowledged that _Calais_ was never upon
+any account so considerable from itself, as from its situation, and that
+easy entrance which it gave our ancestors, upon all occasions, into
+_France_: it was not without its inconveniences also; being no less
+troublesome to the _English_ in those times, than _Dunkirk_ has been to
+us, in ours; so that it was deservedly looked upon as the key to both
+kingdoms, which no doubt is the reason that there have arisen so many
+contentions who should keep it: of these, the siege of _Calais_, or
+rather the blockade (for it was shut up both by land and sea), was the
+most memorable, as it withstood the efforts of _Edward_ the Third a
+whole year, and was not terminated at last but by famine and extreme
+misery; the gallantry of _Eustace de St. Pierre_, who first offered
+himself a victim for his fellow-citizens, has rank'd his name with
+heroes. As it will not take up above fifty pages, it would be injustice
+to the reader, not to give him a minute account of that romantic
+transaction, as well as of the siege itself, in _Rapin's_ own words:
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+----But courage! gentle reader! ----I scorn it----'tis enough to have
+thee in my power----but to make use of the advantage which the fortune
+of the pen has now gained over thee, would be too much ----No----! by
+that all-powerful fire which warms the visionary brain, and lights the
+spirits through unwordly tracts! ere I would force a helpless creature
+upon this hard service, and make thee pay, poor soul! for fifty pages,
+which I have no right to sell thee, ----naked as I am, I would browse
+upon the mountains, and smile that the north wind brought me neither my
+tent or my supper.
+
+--So put on, my brave boy! and make the best of thy way to _Boulogne_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+----Boulogne! ----hah! ----so we are all got together----debtors and
+sinners before heaven; a jolly set of us--but I can't stay and quaff it
+off with you --I'm pursued myself like a hundred devils, and shall be
+overtaken, before I can well change horses: ----for heaven's sake, make
+haste----'Tis for high-treason, quoth a very little man, whispering as
+low as he could to a very tall man, that stood next him ----Or else for
+murder; quoth the tall man ----Well thrown, _Size-ace!_ quoth I. No;
+quoth a third, the gentleman has been committing----.
+
+_Ah! ma chere fille!_ said I, as she tripp'd by from her matins--you
+look as rosy as the morning (for the sun was rising, and it made the
+compliment the more gracious) --No; it can't be that, quoth a
+fourth----(she made a curt'sy to me --I kiss'd my hand) 'tis debt,
+continued he: 'Tis certainly for debt; quoth a fifth; I would not pay
+that gentleman's debts, quoth _Ace_, for a thousand pounds; nor would I,
+quoth _Size_, for six times the sum --Well thrown, _Size-ace_, again!
+quoth I; --but I have no debt but the debt of NATURE, and I want but
+patience of her, and I will pay her every farthing I owe her ----How can
+you be so hard-hearted, MADAM, to arrest a poor traveller going along
+without molestation to any one upon his lawful occasions? do stop that
+death-looking, long-striding scoundrel of a scare-sinner, who is posting
+after me----he never would have followed me but for you----if it be but
+for a stage or two, just to give me start of him, I beseech you,
+madam----do, dear lady----
+
+----Now, in troth, 'tis a great pity, quoth mine _Irish_ host, that all
+this good courtship should be lost; for the young gentlewoman has been
+after going out of hearing of it all along.----
+
+----Simpleton! quoth I.
+
+----So you have nothing _else_ in _Boulogne_ worth seeing?
+
+--By Jasus! there is the finest SEMINARY for the HUMANITIES----
+
+--There cannot be a finer; quoth I.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+When the precipitancy of a man's wishes hurries on his ideas ninety
+times faster than the vehicle he rides in--woe be to truth! and woe be
+to the vehicle and its tackling (let 'em be made of what stuff you will)
+upon which he breathes forth the disappointment of his soul!
+
+As I never give general characters either of men or things in choler,
+"_the most haste the worst speed_," was all the reflection I made upon
+the affair, the first time it happen'd; --the second, third, fourth, and
+fifth time, I confined it respectively to those times, and accordingly
+blamed only the second, third, fourth, and fifth post-boy for it,
+without carrying my reflections further; but the event continuing to
+befal me from the fifth, to the sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth
+time, and without one exception, I then could not avoid making a
+national reflection of it, which I do in these words;
+
+_That something is always wrong in a French post-chaise, upon first
+setting out._
+
+Or the proposition may stand thus:
+
+_A French postilion has always to alight before he has got three hundred
+yards out of town._
+
+What's wrong now? ----Diable! ----a rope's broke! ----a knot has slipt!
+----a staple's drawn! ----a bolt's to whittle! ----a tag, a rag, a jag,
+a strap, a buckle, or a buckle's tongue, want altering.
+
+Now true as all this is, I never think myself impowered to excommunicate
+thereupon either the post-chaise, or its driver----nor do I take it into
+my head to swear by the living G--, I would rather go a-foot ten
+thousand times----or that I will be damn'd, if ever I get into
+another----but I take the matter coolly before me, and consider, that
+some tag, or rag, or jag, or bolt, or buckle, or buckle's tongue, will
+ever be a wanting, or want altering, travel where I will--so I never
+chaff, but take the good and the bad as they fall in my road, and get
+on: ----Do so, my lad! said I; he had lost five minutes already, in
+alighting in order to get at a luncheon of black bread, which he had
+cramm'd into the chaise-pocket, and was remounted, and going leisurely
+on, to relish it the better ----Get on, my lad, said I, briskly--but in
+the most persuasive tone imaginable, for I jingled a four-and-twenty
+sous piece against the glass, taking care to hold the flat side towards
+him, as he look'd back: the dog grinn'd intelligence from his right ear
+to his left, and behind his sooty muzzle discovered such a pearly row of
+teeth, that _Sovereignty_ would have pawn'd her jewels for them.----
+
+  Just heaven! {What masticators! --
+               {What bread!--
+
+and so as he finished the last mouthful of it, we entered the town of
+_Montreuil_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+There is not a town in all _France_, which, in my opinion, looks better
+in the map, than MONTREUIL; ----I own, it does not look so well in the
+book of post-roads; but when you come to see it--to be sure it looks
+most pitifully.
+
+There is one thing, however, in it at present very handsome; and that
+is, the inn-keeper's daughter: She has been eighteen months at _Amiens_,
+and six at _Paris_, in going through her classes; so knits, and sews,
+and dances, and does the little coquetries very well.----
+
+--A slut! in running them over within these five minutes that I have
+stood looking at her, she has let fall at least a dozen loops in a white
+thread stocking----yes, yes --I see, you cunning gipsy! --'tis long and
+taper--you need not pin it to your knee--and that 'tis your own--and
+fits you exactly.----
+
+----That Nature should have told this creature a word about a _statue's
+thumb!_
+
+--But as this sample is worth all their thumbs----besides, I have her
+thumbs and fingers in at the bargain, if they can be any guide to me,
+--and as _Janatone_ withal (for that is her name) stands so well for a
+drawing----may I never draw more, or rather may I draw like a
+draught-horse, by main strength all the days of my life, --if I do not
+draw her in all her proportions, and with as determined a pencil, as if
+I had her in the wettest drapery.----
+
+--But your worships chuse rather that I give you the length, breadth,
+and perpendicular height of the great parish-church, or drawing of the
+façade of the abbey of Saint _Austerberte_ which has been transported
+from _Artois_ hither--everything is just I suppose as the masons and
+carpenters left them, --and if the belief in _Christ_ continues so long,
+will be so these fifty years to come--so your worships and reverences
+may all measure them at your leisures----but he who measures thee,
+_Janatone_, must do it now--thou carriest the principles of change
+within thy frame; and considering the chances of a transitory life,
+I would not answer for thee a moment; ere twice twelve months are passed
+and gone, thou mayest grow out like a pumpkin, and lose thy shapes----or
+thou mayest go off like a flower, and lose thy beauty--nay, thou mayest
+go off like a hussy--and lose thyself. --I would not answer for my aunt
+_Dinah_, was she alive----'faith, scarce for her picture----were it but
+painted by _Reynolds_--
+
+But if I go on with my drawing, after naming that son of _Apollo_, I'll
+be shot----
+
+So you must e'en be content with the original; which, if the evening is
+fine in passing thro' _Montreuil_, you will see at your chaise-door, as
+you change horses: but unless you have as bad a reason for haste as I
+have--you had better stop: ----She has a little of the _devote_: but
+that, sir, is a terce to a nine in your favour------
+
+--L--help me! I could not count a single point: so had been piqued and
+repiqued, and capotted to the devil.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+All which being considered, and that Death moreover might be much nearer
+me than I imagined ----I wish I was at _Abbeville_, quoth I, were it
+only to see how they card and spin----so off we set.
+
+  [7.1]_de Montreuil ŕ Nampont - poste et demi_
+  _de Nampont_ ŕ Bernay   - - -  poste
+  de Bernay ŕ Nouvion     - - -  poste
+  de Nouvion ŕ ABBEVILLE    - -  poste
+
+----but the carders and spinners were all gone to bed.
+
+    [Footnote 7.1: Vid. Book of French post roads, page 36, edition
+    of 1762.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+What a vast advantage is travelling! only it heats one; but there is a
+remedy for that, which you may pick out of the next chapter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+Was I in a condition to stipulate with Death, as I am this moment with
+my apothecary, how and where I will take his clyster ----I should
+certainly declare against submitting to it before my friends; and
+therefore I never seriously think upon the mode and manner of this great
+catastrophe, which generally takes up and torments my thoughts as much
+as the catastrophe itself; but I constantly draw the curtain across it
+with this wish, that the Disposer of all things may so order it, that it
+happen not to me in my own house----but rather in some decent inn----at
+home, I know it, ----the concern of my friends, and the last services of
+wiping my brows, and smoothing my pillow, which the quivering hand of
+pale affection shall pay me, will so crucify my soul; that I shall die
+of a distemper which my physician is not aware of: but in an inn, the
+few cold offices I wanted, would be purchased with a few guineas, and
+paid me with an undisturbed, but punctual attention----but mark. This
+inn should not be the inn at _Abbeville_----if there was not another inn
+in the universe, I would strike that inn out of the capitulation: so
+
+Let the horses be in the chaise exactly by four in the morning ----Yes,
+by four, Sir, ----or by _Genevieve!_ I'll raise a clatter in the house
+shall wake the dead.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+"_Make them like unto a wheel_," is a bitter sarcasm, as all the learned
+know, against the _grand tour_, and that restless spirit for making it,
+which _David_ prophetically foresaw would haunt the children of men in
+the latter days; and therefore, as thinketh the great bishop _Hall_,
+'tis one of the severest imprecations which _David_ ever utter'd against
+the enemies of the Lord--and, as if he had said, "I wish them no worse
+luck than always to be rolling about" --So much motion, continues he
+(for he was very corpulent)--is so much unquietness; and so much of
+rest, by the same analogy, is so much of heaven.
+
+Now, I (being very thin) think differently; and that so much of motion,
+is so much of life, and so much of joy----and that to stand still, or
+get on but slowly, is death and the devil----
+
+Hollo! Ho! ----the whole world's asleep! ----bring out the
+horses----grease the wheels--tie on the mail----and drive a nail into
+that moulding ----I'll not lose a moment----
+
+Now the wheel we are talking of, and _whereinto_ (but not _whereunto_,
+for that would make an Ixion's wheel of it) he curseth his enemies,
+according to the bishop's habit of body, should certainly be a
+post-chaise wheel, whether they were set up in _Palestine_ at that time
+or not----and my wheel, for the contrary reasons, must as certainly be a
+cart-wheel groaning round its revolution once in an age; and of which
+sort, were I to turn commentator, I should make no scruple to affirm,
+they had great store in that hilly country.
+
+I love the Pythagoreans (much more than ever I dare tell my dear
+_Jenny_) for their "+chôrismon apo tou Sômatos, eis to kalôs
+philosophein+"---- [their] "_getting out of the body, in order to think
+well_." No man thinks right, whilst he is in it; blinded as he must be,
+with his congenial humours, and drawn differently aside, as the bishop
+and myself have been, with too lax or too tense a fibre ----REASON is,
+half of it, SENSE; and the measure of heaven itself is but the measure
+of our present appetites and concoctions----
+
+----But which of the two, in the present case, do you think to be mostly
+in the wrong?
+
+You, certainly: quoth she, to disturb a whole family so early.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+----But she did not know I was under a vow not to shave my beard till I
+got to _Paris_; ----yet I hate to make mysteries of nothing; ----'tis
+the cold cautiousness of one of those little souls from which _Lessius_
+(_lib._ 13, _de moribus divinis, cap._ 24) hath made his estimate,
+wherein he setteth forth, That one _Dutch_ mile, cubically multiplied,
+will allow room enough, and to spare, for eight hundred thousand
+millions, which he supposes to be as great a number of souls (counting
+from the fall of _Adam_) as can possibly be damn'd to the end of the
+world.
+
+From what he has made this second estimate----unless from the parental
+goodness of God --I don't know --I am much more at a loss what could be
+in _Franciscus Ribbera's_ head, who pretends that no less a space than
+one of two hundred _Italian_ miles multiplied into itself, will be
+sufficient to hold the like number----he certainly must have gone upon
+some of the old _Roman_ souls, of which he had read, without reflecting
+how much, by a gradual and most tabid decline, in the course of eighteen
+hundred years, they must unavoidably have shrunk so as to have come,
+when he wrote, almost to nothing.
+
+In _Lessius's_ time, who seems the cooler man, they were as little as
+can be imagined----
+
+----We find them less _now_----
+
+And next winter we shall find them less again; so that if we go on from
+little to less, and from less to nothing, I hesitate not one moment to
+affirm, that in half a century, at this rate, we shall have no souls at
+all; which being the period beyond which I doubt likewise of the
+existence of the Christian faith, 'twill be one advantage that both of
+'em will be exactly worn out together.
+
+Blessed _Jupiter!_ and blessed every other heathen god and goddess! for
+now ye will all come into play again, and with _Priapus_ at your
+tails----what jovial times! ----but where am I? and into what a
+delicious riot of things am I rushing? I ----I who must be cut short in
+the midst of my days, and taste no more of 'em than what I borrow from
+my imagination----peace to thee, generous fool! and let me go on.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+------"So hating, I say, to make mysteries of _nothing_" ----I intrusted
+it with the post-boy, as soon as ever I got off the stones; he gave a
+crack with his whip to balance the compliment; and with the thill-horse
+trotting, and a sort of an up and a down of the other, we danced it
+along to _Ailly au clochers_, famed in days of yore for the finest
+chimes in the world; but we danced through it without music--the chimes
+being greatly out of order--(as in truth they were through all
+_France_).
+
+And so making all possible speed, from
+
+  _Ailly au clochers_, I got to _Hixcourt_,
+  from _Hixcourt_, I got to _Pequignay_, and
+  from _Pequignay_, I got to AMIENS,
+
+concerning which town I have nothing to inform you, but what I have
+informed you once before----and that was--that _Janatone_ went there to
+school.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+In the whole catalogue of those whiffling vexations which come puffing
+across a man's canvass, there is not one of a more teasing and
+tormenting nature, than this particular one which I am going to
+describe----and for which (unless you travel with an avance-courier,
+which numbers do in order to prevent it)----there is no help: and it is
+this.
+
+That be you in never so kindly a propensity to sleep----tho' you are
+passing perhaps through the finest country--upon the best roads, and in
+the easiest carriage for doing it in the world----nay, was you sure you
+could sleep fifty miles straight forwards, without once opening your
+eyes--nay, what is more, was you as demonstratively satisfied as you can
+be of any truth in _Euclid_, that you should upon all accounts be full
+as well asleep as awake----nay, perhaps better ----Yet the incessant
+returns of paying for the horses at every stage, ----with the necessity
+thereupon of putting your hand into your pocket, and counting out from
+thence three livres fifteen sous (sous by sous), puts an end to so much
+of the project, that you cannot execute above six miles of it
+(or supposing it is a post and a half, that is but nine)----were it to
+save your soul from destruction.
+
+--I'll be even with 'em, quoth I, for I'll put the precise sum into a
+piece of paper, and hold it ready in my hand all the way: "Now I shall
+have nothing to do," said I (composing myself to rest), "but to drop
+this gently into the post-boy's hat, and not say a word." ----Then there
+wants two sous more to drink----or there is a twelve sous piece of
+_Louis_ XIV. which will not pass--or a livre and some odd liards to be
+brought over from the last stage, which Monsieur had forgot; which
+altercations (as a man cannot dispute very well asleep) rouse him: still
+is sweet sleep retrievable; and still might the flesh weigh down the
+spirit, and recover itself of these blows--but then, by heaven! you have
+paid but for a single post--whereas 'tis a post and a half; and this
+obliges you to pull out your book of post-roads, the print of which is
+so very small, it forces you to open your eyes, whether you will or no:
+Then Monsieur _le Curé_ offers you a pinch of snuff----or a poor soldier
+shews you his leg----or a shaveling his box----or the priestess of the
+cistern will water your wheels----they do not want it----but she swears
+by her _priesthood_ (throwing it back) that they do: ----then you have
+all these points to argue, or consider over in your mind; in doing of
+which, the rational powers get so thoroughly awakened----you may get 'em
+to sleep again as you can.
+
+It was entirely owing to one of these misfortunes, or I had pass'd clean
+by the stables of _Chantilly_----
+
+----But the postilion first affirming, and then persisting in it to my
+face, that there was no mark upon the two sous piece, I open'd my eyes
+to be convinced--and seeing the mark upon it as plain as my nose --I
+leap'd out of the chaise in a passion, and so saw everything at
+_Chantilly_ in spite. ----I tried it but for three posts and a half, but
+believe 'tis the best principle in the world to travel speedily upon;
+for as few objects look very inviting in that mood--you have little or
+nothing to stop you; by which means it was that I passed through St.
+_Dennis_, without turning my head so much as on one side towards the
+Abby----
+
+----Richness of their treasury! stuff and nonsense! ----bating their
+jewels, which are all false, I would not give three sous for any one
+thing in it, but _Jaidas's lantern_----nor for that either, only as it
+grows dark, it might be of use.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+Crack, crack----crack, crack----crack, crack----so this is _Paris!_
+quoth I (continuing in the same mood)--and this is _Paris!_----humph!
+----_Paris!_ cried I, repeating the name the third time----
+
+The first, the finest, the most brilliant----
+
+The streets however are nasty.
+
+But it looks, I suppose, better than it smells----crack, crack----crack,
+crack----what a fuss thou makest! --as if it concerned the good people
+to be informed, that a man with pale face and clad in black, had the
+honour to be driven into _Paris_ at nine o'clock at night, by a
+postilion in a tawny yellow jerkin, turned up with red calamanco--crack,
+crack----crack, crack----crack, crack, ----I wish thy whip----
+
+----But 'tis the spirit of thy nation; so crack--crack on.
+
+Ha! ----and no one gives the wall! ----but in the SCHOOL of URBANITY
+herself, if the walls are besh-t--how can you do otherwise?
+
+And prithee when do they light the lamps? What? --never in the summer
+months! ----Ho! 'tis the time of sallads. ----O rare! sallad and
+soup--soup and sallad--sallad and soup, _encore_----
+
+----'Tis _too much_ for sinners.
+
+Now I cannot bear the barbarity of it; how can that unconscionable
+coachman talk so much bawdy to that lean horse? don't you see, friend,
+the streets are so villainously narrow, that there is not room in all
+_Paris_ to turn a wheelbarrow? In the grandest city of the whole world,
+it would not have been amiss, if they had been left a thought wider;
+nay, were it only so much in every single street, as that a man might
+know (was it only for satisfaction) on which side of it he was walking.
+
+One--two--three--four--five--six--seven--eight--nine--ten. --Ten cook's
+shops! and twice the number of barbers! and all within three minutes
+driving! one would think that all the cooks in the world, on some great
+merry-meeting with the barbers, by joint consent had said --Come, let us
+all go live at _Paris_: the _French_ love good eating----they are all
+_gourmands_----we shall rank high; if their god is their belly----their
+cooks must be gentlemen: and forasmuch as _the periwig maketh the man_,
+and the periwig-maker maketh the periwig--_ergo_, would the barbers say,
+we shall rank higher still--we shall be above you all--we shall be
+_Capitouls_[7.2] at least--_pardi!_ we shall all wear swords----
+
+--And so, one would swear (that is, by candle light, --but there is no
+depending upon it) they continue to do, to this day.
+
+    [Footnote 7.2: Chief Magistrate in Toulouse, &c. &c. &c.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+The _French_ are certainly misunderstood: ----but whether the fault is
+theirs, in not sufficiently explaining themselves; or speaking with that
+exact limitation and precision which one would expect on a point of such
+importance, and which, moreover, is so likely to be contested by
+us----or whether the fault may not be altogether on our side, in not
+understanding their language always so critically as to know "what they
+would be at" ----I shall not decide; but 'tis evident to me, when they
+affirm, "_That they who have seen _Paris_, have seen everything_," they
+must mean to speak of those who have seen it by day-light.
+
+As for candle-light --I give it up ----I have said before, there was no
+depending upon it--and I repeat it again; but not because the lights and
+shades are too sharp--or the tints confounded--or that there is neither
+beauty or keeping, &c. . . . for that's not truth--but it is an
+uncertain light in this respect, That in all the five hundred grand
+Hôtels, which they number up to you in _Paris_--and the five hundred
+good things, at a modest computation (for 'tis only allowing one good
+thing to a Hôtel), which by candle-light are best to be _seen_, _felt_,
+_heard_, and _understood_ (which, by the bye, is a quotation from
+_Lilly_)----the devil a one of us out of fifty, can get our heads fairly
+thrust in amongst them.
+
+This is no part of the _French_ computation: 'tis simply this,
+
+That by the last survey taken in the year one thousand seven hundred and
+sixteen, since which time there have been considerable argumentations,
+_Paris_ doth contain nine hundred streets; (viz.)
+
+  In the quarter called the _City_--there are fifty-three streets.
+  In St. _James_ of the Shambles, fifty-five streets.
+  In St. _Oportune_, thirty-four streets.
+  In the quarter of the _Louvre_, twenty-five streets.
+  In the _Palace Royal_, or St. _Honorius_, forty-nine streets.
+  In _Mont. Martyr_, forty-one streets.
+  In St. _Eustace_, twenty-nine streets.
+  In the _Halles_, twenty-seven streets.
+  In St. _Dennis_, fifty-five streets.
+  In St. _Martin_, fifty-four streets.
+  In St. _Paul_, or the _Mortellerie_, twenty-seven streets.
+  The _Greve_, thirty-eight streets.
+  In St. _Avoy_, or the _Verrerie_, nineteen streets.
+  In the _Marais_, or the _Temple_, fifty-two streets.
+  In St. _Antony's_, sixty-eight streets.
+  In the _Place Maubert_, eighty-one streets.
+  In St. _Bennet_, sixty streets.
+  In St. _Andrews de Arcs_, fifty-one streets.
+  In the quarter of the _Luxembourg_, sixty-two streets.
+
+And in that of St. Germain, fifty-five streets, into any of which you
+may walk; and that when you have seen them with all that belongs to
+them, fairly by day-light--their gates, their bridges, their squares,
+their statues - - - and have crusaded it moreover, through all their
+parish-churches, by no means omitting St. _Roche_ and _Sulpice_ - - -
+and to crown all, have taken a walk to the four palaces, which you may
+see, either with or without the statues and pictures, just as you
+chuse--
+
+----Then you will have seen----
+
+----but, 'tis what no one needeth to tell you, for you will read of it
+yourself upon the portico of the _Louvre_, in these words,
+
+  [7.3]EARTH NO SUCH FOLKS! --NO FOLKS E'ER SUCH A TOWN
+  AS PARIS IS! --SING, DERRY, DERRY, DOWN.
+
+The _French_ have a _gay_ way of treating everything that is Great; and
+that is all can be said upon it.
+
+    [Footnote 7.3:
+      Non orbis gentem, non urbem gens habet ullam
+      --------ulla parem.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+In mentioning the word _gay_ (as in the close of the last chapter) it
+puts one (_i.e._ an author) in mind of the word _spleen_----especially
+if he has anything to say upon it: not that by any analysis--or that
+from any table of interest or genealogy, there appears much more ground
+of alliance betwixt them, than betwixt light and darkness, or any two of
+the most unfriendly opposites in nature----only 'tis an undercraft of
+authors to keep up a good understanding amongst words, as politicians do
+amongst men--not knowing how near they may be under a necessity of
+placing them to each other----which point being now gain'd, and that I
+may place mine exactly to my mind, I write it down here--
+
+
+SPLEEN
+
+This, upon leaving _Chantilly_, I declared to be the best principle in
+the world to travel speedily upon; but I gave it only as matter of
+opinion. I still continue in the same sentiments--only I had not then
+experience enough of its working to add this, that though you do get on
+at a tearing rate, yet you get on but uneasily to yourself at the same
+time; for which reason I here quit it entirely, and for ever, and 'tis
+heartily at any one's service--it has spoiled me the digestion of a good
+supper, and brought on a bilious diarrhoea, which has brought me back
+again to my first principle on which I set out----and with which I shall
+now scamper it away to the banks of the _Garonne_--
+
+----No; ----I cannot stop a moment to give you the character of the
+people--their genius----their manners--their customs--their
+laws----their religion--their government--their manufactures--their
+commerce--their finances, with all the resources and hidden springs
+which sustain them: qualified as I may be, by spending three days and
+two nights amongst them, and during all that time making these things
+the entire subject of my enquiries and reflections----
+
+Still--still I must away----the roads are paved--the posts are
+short--the days are long--'tis no more than noon --I shall be at
+_Fontainbleau_ before the king----
+
+--Was he going there? not that I know----
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+Now I hate to hear a person, especially if he be a traveller, complain
+that we do not get on so fast in _France_ as we do in _England_; whereas
+we get on much faster, _consideratis considerandis_; thereby always
+meaning, that if you weigh their vehicles with the mountains of baggage
+which you lay both before and behind upon them--and then consider their
+puny horses, with the very little they give them--'tis a wonder they get
+on at all: their suffering is most unchristian, and 'tis evident
+thereupon to me, that a _French_ post-horse would not know what in the
+world to do, was it not for the two words ****** and ****** in which
+there is as much sustenance, as if you gave him a peck of corn: now as
+these words cost nothing, I long from my soul to tell the reader what
+they are; but here is the question--they must be told him plainly, and
+with the most distinct articulation, or it will answer no end--and yet
+to do it in that plain way--though their reverences may laugh at it in
+the bed-chamber--fell well I wot, they will abuse it in the parlour: for
+which cause, I have been volving and revolving in my fancy some time,
+but to no purpose, by what clean device or facette contrivance I might
+so modulate them, that whilst I satisfy _that ear_ which the reader
+chuses to _lend_ me --I might not dissatisfy the other which he keeps to
+himself.
+
+----My ink burns my finger to try----and when I have----'twill have a
+worse consequence----it will burn (I fear) my paper.
+
+----No; ----I dare not----
+
+But if you wish to know how the _abbess_ of _Andoüillets_ and a novice
+of her convent got over the difficulty (only first wishing myself all
+imaginable success) --I'll tell you without the least scruple.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+The abbess of _Andoüillets_, which, if you look into the large set of
+provincial maps now publishing at _Paris_, you will find situated
+amongst the hills which divide _Burgundy_ from _Savoy_, being in danger
+of an _Anchylosis_ or stiff joint (the _sinovia_ of her knee becoming
+hard by long matins), and having tried every remedy----first, prayers
+and thanksgiving; then invocations to all the saints in heaven
+promiscuously----then particularly to every saint who had ever had a
+stiff leg, before her----then touching it with all the reliques of the
+convent, principally with the thigh-bone of the man of _Lystra_, who had
+been impotent from his youth----then wrapping it up in her veil when she
+went to bed--then cross-wise her rosary--then bringing in to her aid the
+secular arm, and anointing it with oils and hot fat of animals----then
+treating it with emollient and resolving fomentations----then with
+poultices of marsh-mallows, mallows, bonus Henricus, white lillies and
+fenugreek--then taking the woods, I mean the smoak of 'em, holding her
+scapulary across her lap----then decoctions of wild chicory,
+water-cresses, chervil, sweet cecily and cochlearia----and nothing all
+this while answering, was prevailed on at last to try the hot baths of
+_Bourbon_----so having first obtain'd leave of the visitor-general to
+take care of her existence--she ordered all to be got ready for her
+journey: a novice of the convent of about seventeen, who had been
+troubled with a whitloe in her middle finger, by sticking it constantly
+into the abbess's cast poultices, &c. --had gained such an interest,
+that overlooking a sciatical old nun, who might have been set up for
+ever by the hot-baths of _Bourbon_, _Margarita_, the little novice, was
+elected as the companion of the journey.
+
+An old calesh, belonging to the abbesse, lined with green frize, was
+ordered to be drawn out into the sun--the gardener of the convent being
+chosen muleteer--led out the two old mules, to clip the hair from the
+rump-ends of their tails, whilst a couple of lay-sisters were busied,
+the one in darning the lining, and the other in sewing on the shreads of
+yellow binding, which the teeth of time had unravelled----the
+under-gardener dress'd the muleteer's hat in hot wine-lees----and a
+taylor sat musically at it, in a shed over-against the convent, in
+assorting four dozen of bells for the harness, whistling to each bell,
+as he tied it on with a thong.----
+
+----The carpenter and the smith of _Andoüillets_ held a council of
+wheels; and by seven, the morning after, all look'd spruce, and was
+ready at the gate of the convent for the hot-baths of _Bourbon_--two
+rows of the unfortunate stood ready there an hour before.
+
+The abbess of _Andoüillets_, supported by _Margarita_ the novice,
+advanced slowly to the calesh, both clad in white, with their black
+rosaries hanging at their breasts----
+
+----There was a simple solemnity in the contrast: they entered the
+calesh; and nuns in the same uniform, sweet emblem of innocence, each
+occupied a window, and as the abbess and _Margarita_ look'd up--each
+(the sciatical poor nun excepted)--each stream'd out the end of her veil
+in the air--then kiss'd the lilly hand which let it go: the good abbess
+and _Margarita_ laid their hands saint-wise upon their breasts--look'd
+up to heaven--then to them--and look'd "God bless you, dear sisters."
+
+I declare I am interested in this story, and wish I had been there.
+
+The gardener, whom I shall now call the muleteer, was a little, hearty,
+broad-set, good-natured, chattering, toping kind of a fellow, who
+troubled his head very little with the _hows_ and _whens_ of life; so
+had mortgaged a month of his conventical wages in a borrachio, or
+leathern cask of wine, which he had disposed behind the calesh, with a
+large russet-coloured riding-coat over it, to guard it from the sun; and
+as the weather was hot, and he not a niggard of his labours, walking ten
+times more than he rode--he found more occasions than those of nature,
+to fall back to the rear of his carriage; till by frequent coming and
+going, it had so happen'd, that all his wine had leak'd out at the
+_legal_ vent of the borrachio, before one half of the journey was
+finish'd.
+
+Man is a creature born to habitudes. The day had been sultry--the
+evening was delicious--the wine was generous--the _Burgundian_ hill on
+which it grew was steep--a little tempting bush over the door of a cool
+cottage at the foot of it, hung vibrating in full harmony with the
+passions--a gentle air rustled distinctly through the leaves--
+"Come--come, thirsty muleteer--come in."
+
+--The muleteer was a son of _Adam_; I need not say a word more. He gave
+the mules, each of 'em, a sound lash, and looking in the abbess's and
+_Margarita's_ faces (as he did it)--as much as to say "here I am"--he
+gave a second good crack--as much as to say to his mules, "get on"----so
+slinking behind, he enter'd the little inn at the foot of the hill.
+
+The muleteer, as I told you, was a little, joyous, chirping fellow, who
+thought not of to-morrow, nor of what had gone before, or what was to
+follow it, provided he got but his scantling of Burgundy, and a little
+chit-chat along with it; so entering into a long conversation, as how he
+was chief gardener to the convent of _Andoüillets_, &c. &c., and out of
+friendship for the abbess and Mademoiselle _Margarita_, who was only in
+her noviciate, he had come along with them from the confines of _Savoy_,
+&c. &c. --and as how she had got a white swelling by her devotions--and
+what a nation of herbs he had procured to mollify her humours, &c. &c.,
+and that if the waters of _Bourbon_ did not mend that leg--she might as
+well be lame of both--&c. &c. &c. --He so contrived his story, as
+absolutely to forget the heroine of it--and with her the little novice,
+and what was a more ticklish point to be forgot than both--the two
+mules; who being creatures that take advantage of the world, inasmuch as
+their parents took it of them--and they not being in a condition to
+return the obligation _downwards_ (as men and women and beasts
+are)--they do it side-ways, and long-ways, and back-ways--and up hill,
+and down hill, and which way they can. ------Philosophers, with all
+their ethicks, have never considered this rightly--how should the poor
+muleteer, then in his cups, consider it at all? he did not in the
+least--'tis time we do; let us leave him then in the vortex of his
+element, the happiest and most thoughtless of mortal men----and for a
+moment let us look after the mules, the abbess, and _Margarita_.
+
+By virtue of the muleteer's two last strokes the mules had gone quietly
+on, following their own consciences up the hill, till they had conquer'd
+about one half of it; when the elder of them, a shrewd crafty old devil,
+at the turn of an angle, giving a side glance, and no muleteer behind
+them----
+
+By my fig! said she, swearing, I'll go no further ----And if I do,
+replied the other, they shall make a drum of my hide.----
+
+And so with one consent they stopp'd thus----
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+----Get on with you, said the abbess.
+
+----Wh - - - - ysh----ysh----cried _Margarita_.
+
+Sh - - - a----suh - u----shu - - u--sh - - aw----shaw'd the abbess.
+
+----Whu--v--w----whew--w--w--whuv'd _Margarita_ pursing up her sweet
+lips betwixt a hoot and a whistle.
+
+Thump--thump--thump--obstreperated the abbess of _Andoüillets_ with the
+end of her gold-headed cane against the bottom of the calesh----
+
+The old mule let a f--
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+We are ruin'd and undone, my child, said the abbess to _Margarita_,
+----we shall be here all night----we shall be plunder'd----we shall be
+ravish'd----
+
+----We shall be ravish'd, said _Margarita_, as sure as a gun.
+
+_Sancta Maria!_ cried the abbess (forgetting the _O!_)--why was I
+govern'd by this wicked stiff joint? why did I leave the convent of
+_Andoüillets?_ and why didst thou not suffer thy servant to go
+unpolluted to her tomb?
+
+O my finger! my finger! cried the novice, catching fire at the word
+_servant_--why was I not content to put it here, or there, any where
+rather than be in this strait?
+
+Strait! said the abbess.
+
+Strait----said the novice; for terror had struck their understandings----
+the one knew not what she said----the other what she answer'd.
+
+O my virginity! virginity! cried the abbess.
+
+----inity! ----inity! said the novice, sobbing.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+
+My dear mother, quoth the novice, coming a little to herself, ----there
+are two certain words, which I have been told will force any horse, or
+ass, or mule, to go up a hill whether he will or no; be he never so
+obstinate or ill-will'd, the moment he hears them utter'd, he obeys.
+They are words magic! cried the abbess in the utmost horror --No; replied
+_Margarita_ calmly--but they are words sinful --What are they? quoth the
+abbess, interrupting her: They are sinful in the first degree, answered
+_Margarita_, --they are mortal--and if we are ravish'd and die
+unabsolved of them, we shall both----but you may pronounce them to me,
+quoth the abbess of _Andoüillets_ ----They cannot, my dear mother, said
+the novice, be pronounced at all; they will make all the blood in one's
+body fly up into one's face --But you may whisper them in my ear, quoth
+the abbess.
+
+Heaven! hadst thou no guardian angel to delegate to the inn at the
+bottom of the hill? was there no generous and friendly spirit
+unemployed----no agent in nature, by some monitory shivering, creeping
+along the artery which led to his heart, to rouse the muleteer from his
+banquet? ----no sweet minstrelsy to bring back the fair idea of the
+abbess and _Margarita_, with their black rosaries!
+
+Rouse! rouse! ----but 'tis too late--the horrid words are pronounced
+this moment----
+
+----and how to tell them --Ye, who can speak of everything existing,
+with unpolluted lips, instruct me----guide me----
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+
+All sins whatever, quoth the abbess, turning casuist in the distress
+they were under, are held by the confessor of our convent to be either
+mortal or venial: there is no further division. Now a venial sin being
+the slightest and least of all sins--being halved--by taking either only
+the half of it, and leaving the rest--or, by taking it all, and amicably
+halving it betwixt yourself and another person--in course becomes
+diluted into no sin at all.
+
+Now I see no sin in saying, _bou_, _bou_, _bou_, _bou_, _bou_, a hundred
+times together; nor is there any turpitude in pronouncing the syllable
+_ger_, _ger_, _ger_, _ger_, _ger_, were it from our matins to our
+vespers: Therefore, my dear daughter, continued the abbess of
+_Andoüillets_ --I will say _bou_, and thou shalt say _ger_; and then
+alternately, as there is no more sin in _fou_ than in _bou_ --Thou shalt
+say _fou_--and I will come in (like fa, sol, la, re, mi, ut, at our
+complines) with _ter_. And accordingly the abbess, giving the pitch
+note, set off thus:
+
+  Abbess,       } Bou - - bou - -  bou - -
+  _Margarita_,  } ----ger, - - ger, - - ger.
+  _Margarita_,  } Fou - - fou - -  fou - -
+  Abbess,       } ----ter, - - ter, - - ter.
+
+The two mules acknowledged the notes by a mutual lash of their tails;
+but it went no further----'Twill answer by an' by, said the novice.
+
+  Abbess        } Bou- bou- bou- bou- bou- bou-
+  _Margarita_,  } --ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, ger.
+
+Quicker still, cried _Margarita_.
+
+Fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou.
+
+Quicker still, cried _Margarita_.
+
+Bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou,
+
+Quicker still --God preserve me; said the abbess --They do not understand
+us, cried _Margarita_ --But the Devil does, said the abbess of
+_Andoüillets_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+
+What a tract of country have I run! --how many degrees nearer to the
+warm sun am I advanced, and how many fair and goodly cities have I seen,
+during the time you have been reading, and reflecting, Madam, upon this
+story! There's FONTAINBLEAU, and SENS, and JOIGNY, and AUXERRE, and
+DIJON the capital of _Burgundy_, and CHALLON, and _Mâcon_ the capital of
+the _Mâconese_, and a score more upon the road to LYONS----and now I
+have run them over ----I might as well talk to you of so many market
+towns in the moon, as tell you one word about them: it will be this
+chapter at the least, if not both this and the next entirely lost, do
+what I will----
+
+----Why, 'tis a strange story! _Tristram._
+
+                                ----Alas! Madam, had it been upon some
+melancholy lecture of the cross--the peace of meekness, or the
+contentment of resignation ----I had not been incommoded: or had I
+thought of writing it upon the purer abstractions of the soul, and that
+food of wisdom and holiness and contemplation, upon which the spirit of
+man (when separated from the body) is to subsist for ever ----You would
+have come with a better appetite from it----
+
+----I wish I never had wrote it: but as I never blot anything out----let
+us use some honest means to get it out of our heads directly.
+
+----Pray reach me my fool's cap ----I fear you sit upon it, Madam----
+'tis under the cushion ----I'll put it on----
+
+Bless me! you have had it upon your head this half hour. ----There then
+let it stay, with a
+
+  Fa-ra diddle di
+  and a fa-ri diddle d
+  and a high-dum--dye-dum
+      fiddle - - - dumb - c.
+
+And now, Madam, we may venture, I hope, a little to go on.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+
+----All you need say of _Fontainbleau_ (in case you are ask'd) is, that
+it stands about forty miles (south _something_) from _Paris_, in the
+middle of a large forest ----That there is something great in it ----That
+the king goes there once every two or three years, with his whole court,
+for the pleasure of the chase--and that, during that carnival of
+sporting, any _English_ gentleman of fashion (you need not forget
+yourself) may be accommodated with a nag or two, to partake of the
+sport, taking care only not to out-gallop the king----
+
+Though there are two reasons why you need not talk loud of this to every
+one.
+
+First, Because 'twill make the said nags the harder to be got; and
+
+Secondly, 'Tis not a word of it true. ----_Allons!_
+
+As for SENS----you may dispatch--in a word------ "_'Tis an
+archiepiscopal see_."
+
+----For JOIGNY--the less, I think, one says of it the better.
+
+But for AUXERRE --I could go on for ever: for in my _grand tour_ through
+_Europe_, in which, after all, my father (not caring to trust me with
+any one) attended me himself, with my uncle _Toby_, and _Trim_, and
+_Obadiah_, and indeed most of the family, except my mother, who being
+taken up with a project of knitting my father a pair of large worsted
+breeches--(the thing is common sense)--and she not caring to be put out
+of her way, she staid at home, at SHANDY HALL, to keep things right
+during the expedition; in which, I say, my father stopping us two days
+at _Auxerre_, and his researches being ever of such a nature, that they
+would have found fruit even in a desert----he has left me enough to say
+upon AUXERRE: in short, wherever my father went----but 'twas more
+remarkably so, in this journey through _France_ and _Italy_, than in any
+other stages of his life----his road seemed to lie so much on one side
+of that, wherein all other travellers have gone before him--he saw kings
+and courts and silks of all colours, in such strange lights----and his
+remarks and reasonings upon the characters, the manners, and customs, of
+the countries we pass'd over, were so opposite to those of all other
+mortal men, particularly those of my uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_--(to say
+nothing of myself)--and to crown all--the occurrences and scrapes which
+we were perpetually meeting and getting into, in consequence of his
+systems and opiniatry--they were of so odd, so mix'd and tragi-comical a
+contexture --That the whole put together, it appears of so different a
+shade and tint from any tour of _Europe_, which was ever executed--that
+I will venture to pronounce--the fault must be mine and mine only--if it
+be not read by all travellers and travel-readers, till travelling is no
+more, --or which comes to the same point--till the world, finally, takes
+it into its head to stand still.----
+
+----But this rich bale is not to be open'd now; except a small thread or
+two of it, merely to unravel the mystery of my father's stay at AUXERRE.
+
+----As I have mentioned it--'tis too slight to be kept suspended; and
+when 'tis wove in, there is an end of it.
+
+We'll go, brother _Toby_, said my father, whilst dinner is coddling--to
+the abby of Saint _Germain_, if it be only to see these bodies, of which
+Monsieur _Sequier_ has given such a recommendation. ----I'll go see any
+body, quoth my uncle _Toby_; for he was all compliance through every
+step of the journey ----Defend me! said my father--they are all
+mummies ----Then one need not shave; quoth my uncle _Toby_ ----Shave!
+no--cried my father--'twill be more like relations to go with our beards
+on --So out we sallied, the corporal lending his master his arm, and
+bringing up the rear, to the abby of Saint _Germain_.
+
+Everything is very fine, and very rich, and very superb, and very
+magnificent, said my father, addressing himself to the sacristan, who
+was a younger brother of the order of _Benedictines_--but our curiosity
+has led us to see the bodies, of which Monsieur _Sequier_ has given the
+world so exact a description. --The sacristan made a bow, and lighting a
+torch first, which he had always in the vestry ready for the purpose; he
+led us into the tomb of St. _Heribald_ ----This, said the sacristan,
+laying his hand upon the tomb, was a renowned prince of the house of
+_Bavaria_, who under the successive reigns of _Charlemagne_, _Louis le
+Debonnair_, and _Charles the Bald_, bore a great sway in the government,
+and had a principal hand in bringing everything into order and
+discipline----
+
+Then he has been as great, said my uncle, in the field, as in the
+cabinet ----I dare say he has been a gallant soldier ----He was a
+monk--said the sacristan.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_ sought comfort in each other's faces--but
+found it not: my father clapped both his hands upon his cod-piece, which
+was a way he had when anything hugely tickled him: for though he hated a
+monk and the very smell of a monk worse than all the devils in
+hell----yet the shot hitting my uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_ so much harder
+than him, 'twas a relative triumph; and put him into the gayest humour
+in the world.
+
+----And pray what do you call this gentleman? quoth my father, rather
+sportingly: This tomb, said the young _Benedictine_, looking downwards,
+contains the bones of Saint MAXIMA, who came from _Ravenna_ on purpose
+to touch the body----
+
+----Of Saint MAXIMUS, said my father, popping in with his saint before
+him, --they were two of the greatest saints in the whole martyrology,
+added my father ----Excuse me, said the sacristan--------'twas to touch
+the bones of Saint _Germain_, the builder of the abby ----And what did
+she get by it? said my uncle _Toby_ ----What does any woman get by it?
+said my father ----MARTYRDOME; replied the young _Benedictine_, making a
+bow down to the ground, and uttering the word with so humble but
+decisive a cadence, it disarmed my father for a moment. 'Tis supposed,
+continued the _Benedictine_, that St. _Maxima_ has lain in this tomb
+four hundred years, and two hundred before her canonization----'Tis but
+a slow rise, brother _Toby_, quoth my father, in this self-same army of
+martyrs. ----A desperate slow one, an' please your honour, said _Trim_,
+unless one could purchase ----I should rather sell out entirely, quoth
+my uncle _Toby_ ----I am pretty much of your opinion, brother _Toby_,
+said my father.
+
+----Poor St. _Maxima!_ said my uncle _Toby_ low to himself, as we turn'd
+from her tomb: She was one of the fairest and most beautiful ladies
+either of _Italy_ or _France_, continued the sacristan ----But who the
+duce has got lain down here, besides her? quoth my father, pointing with
+his cane to a large tomb as we walked on ----It is Saint _Optat_, Sir,
+answered the sacristan ----And properly is Saint _Optat_ plac'd! said my
+father: And what is Saint _Optat's_ story? continued he. Saint _Optat_,
+replied the sacristan, was a bishop----
+
+----I thought so, by heaven! cried my father, interrupting him ----Saint
+_Optat!_----how should Saint _Optat_ fail? so snatching out his
+pocket-book, and the young _Benedictine_ holding him the torch as he
+wrote, he set it down as a new prop to his system of Christian names,
+and I will be bold to say, so disinterested was he in the search of
+truth, that had he found a treasure in Saint _Optat's_ tomb, it would
+not have made him half so rich: 'Twas as successful a short visit as
+ever was paid to the dead; and so highly was his fancy pleas'd with all
+that had passed in it, --that he determined at once to stay another day
+in _Auxerre_.
+
+--I'll see the rest of these good gentry to-morrow, said my father, as
+we cross'd over the square --And while you are paying that visit, brother
+_Shandy_, quoth my uncle _Toby_--the corporal and I will mount the
+ramparts.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+
+----Now this is the most puzzled skein of all----for in this last
+chapter, as far at least as it has help'd me through _Auxerre_, I have
+been getting forwards in two different journies together, and with the
+same dash of the pen--for I have got entirely out of _Auxerre_ in this
+journey which I am writing now, and I am got half way out of _Auxerre_
+in that which I shall write hereafter ----There is but a certain degree
+of perfection in everything; and by pushing at something beyond that,
+I have brought myself into such a situation, as no traveller ever stood
+before me; for I am this moment walking across the market-place of
+_Auxerre_ with my father and my uncle _Toby_, in our way back to
+dinner----and I am this moment also entering _Lyons_ with my post-chaise
+broke into a thousand pieces--and I am moreover this moment in a
+handsome pavillion built by _Pringello_,[7.4] upon the banks of the
+_Garonne_, which Mons. _Sligniac_ has lent me, and where I now sit
+rhapsodising all these affairs.
+
+----Let me collect myself, and pursue my journey.
+
+    [Footnote 7.4: The same Don _Pringello_, the celebrated
+    _Spanish_ architect, of whom my cousin _Antony_ has made such
+    honourable mention in a scholium to the Tale inscribed to his
+    name. --Vid. p. 129, small edit.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+
+I am glad of it, said I, settling the account with myself, as I walk'd
+into _Lyons_----my chaise being all laid higgledy-piggledy with my
+baggage in a cart, which was moving slowly before me ----I am heartily
+glad, said I, that 'tis all broke to pieces; for now I can go directly
+by water to _Avignon_, which will carry me on a hundred and twenty miles
+of my journey, and not cost me seven livres----and from thence,
+continued I, bringing forwards the account, I can hire a couple of
+mules--or asses, if I like (for nobody knows me) and cross the plains of
+_Languedoc_ for almost nothing ----I shall gain four hundred livres by
+the misfortune clear into my purse: and pleasure! worth--worth double
+the money by it. With what velocity, continued I, clapping my two hands
+together, shall I fly down the rapid _Rhone_, with the VIVARES on my
+right hand, and DAUPHINY on my left, scarce seeing the ancient cities of
+VIENNE, _Valence_, and _Vivieres_. What a flame will it rekindle in the
+lamp, to snatch a blushing grape from the _Hermitage_ and _Côte roti_,
+as I shoot by the foot of them! and what a fresh spring in the blood! to
+behold upon the banks advancing and retiring, the castles of romance,
+whence courteous knights have whilome rescued the distress'd----and see
+vertiginous, the rocks, the mountains, the cataracts, and all the hurry
+which Nature is in with all her great works about her.
+
+As I went on thus, methought my chaise, the wreck of which look'd
+stately enough at the first, insensibly grew less and less in its size;
+the freshness of the painting was no more--the gilding lost its
+lustre--and the whole affair appeared so poor in my eyes--so sorry! --so
+contemptible! and, in a word, so much worse than the abbess of
+_Andoüillets'_ itself--that I was just opening my mouth to give it to
+the devil--when a pert vamping chaise-undertaker, stepping nimbly across
+the street, demanded if Monsieur would have his chaise refitted ----No,
+no, said I, shaking my head sideways --Would Monsieur chuse to sell it?
+rejoined the undertaker. --With all my soul, said I--the iron work is
+worth forty livres--and the glasses worth forty more--and the leather
+you may take to live on.
+
+What a mine of wealth, quoth I, as he counted me the money, has this
+post-chaise brought me in? And this is my usual method of book-keeping,
+at least with the disasters of life--making a penny of every one of 'em
+as they happen to me----
+
+----Do, my dear _Jenny_, tell the world for me, how I behaved under one,
+the most oppressive of its kind, which could befal me as a man, proud as
+he ought to be of his manhood----
+
+'Tis enough, saidst thou, coming close up to me, as I stood with my
+garters in my hand, reflecting upon what had _not_ pass'd----'Tis
+enough, _Tristram_, and I am satisfied, saidst thou, whispering these
+words in my ear, **** ** **** *** ******; --**** ** **----any other man
+would have sunk down to the center----
+
+----Everything is good for something, quoth I.
+
+----I'll go into _Wales_ for six weeks, and drink goat's whey--and I'll
+gain seven years longer life for the accident. For which reason I think
+myself inexcusable, for blaming fortune so often as I have done, for
+pelting me all my life long, like an ungracious duchess, as I call'd
+her, with so many small evils: surely, if I have any cause to be angry
+with her, 'tis that she has not sent me great ones--a score of good
+cursed, bouncing losses, would have been as good as a pension to me.
+
+----One of a hundred a year, or so, is all I wish --I would not be at
+the plague of paying land-tax for a larger.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+
+To those who call vexations, VEXATIONS, as knowing what they are, there
+could not be a greater, than to be the best part of a day at _Lyons_,
+the most opulent and flourishing city in _France_, enriched with the
+most fragments of antiquity--and not be able to see it. To be withheld
+upon _any_ account, must be a vexation; but to be withheld _by_ a
+vexation----must certainly be, what philosophy justly calls
+
+  VEXATION
+    upon
+  VEXATION.
+
+I had got my two dishes of milk coffee (which by the bye is excellently
+good for a consumption, but you must boil the milk and coffee
+together--otherwise 'tis only coffee and milk)--and as it was no more
+than eight in the morning, and the boat did not go off till noon, I had
+time to see enough of _Lyons_ to tire the patience of all the friends I
+had in the world with it. I will take a walk to the cathedral, said I,
+looking at my list, and see the wonderful mechanism of this great clock
+of _Lippius_ of _Basil_, in the first place----
+
+Now, of all things in the world, I understand the least of
+mechanism ----I have neither genius, or taste, or fancy--and have a brain
+so entirely unapt for everything of that kind, that I solemnly declare I
+was never yet able to comprehend the principles of motion of a squirrel
+cage, or a common knife-grinder's wheel--tho' I have many an hour of my
+life look'd up with great devotion at the one--and stood by with as much
+patience as any christian ever could do, at the other----
+
+I'll go see the surprising movements of this great clock, said I, the
+very first thing I do: and then I will pay a visit to the great library
+of the Jesuits, and procure, if possible, a sight of the thirty volumes
+of the general history of _China_, wrote (not in the _Tartarean_, but)
+in the _Chinese_ language, and in the _Chinese_ character too.
+
+Now I almost know as little of the _Chinese_ language, as I do of the
+mechanism of _Lippius's_ clock-work; so, why these should have jostled
+themselves into the two first articles of my list ----I leave to the
+curious as a problem of Nature. I own it looks like one of her
+ladyship's obliquities; and they who court her, are interested in
+finding out her humour as much as I.
+
+When these curiosities are seen, quoth I, half addressing myself to my
+_valet de place_, who stood behind me----'twill be no hurt if we go to
+the church of St. _Irenćus_, and see the pillar to which _Christ_ was
+tied----and after that, the house where _Pontius Pilate_ lived----'Twas
+at the next town, said the _valet de place_--at _Vienne_; I am glad of
+it, said I, rising briskly from my chair, and walking across the room
+with strides twice as long as my usual pace---- "for so much the sooner
+shall I be at the _Tomb of the two lovers_."
+
+What was the cause of this movement, and why I took such long strides in
+uttering this ----I might leave to the curious too; but as no principle
+of clock-work is concerned in it----'twill be as well for the reader if
+I explain it myself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+
+O there is a sweet ćra in the life of man, when (the brain being tender
+and fibrillous, and more like pap than anything else)----a story read of
+two fond lovers, separated from each other by cruel parents, and by
+still more cruel destiny----
+
+  _Amandus_ ----He
+  _Amanda_ ----She----
+
+each ignorant of the other's course,
+
+  He----east
+  She----west
+
+_Amandus_ taken captive by the _Turks_, and carried to the emperor of
+_Morocco's_ court, where the princess of _Morocco_ falling in love with
+him, keeps him twenty years in prison for the love of his _Amanda_.----
+
+She--(_Amanda_) all the time wandering barefoot, and with dishevell'd
+hair, o'er rocks and mountains, enquiring for _Amandus!_----_Amandus!
+Amandus!_--making every hill and valley to echo back his name----
+
+  _Amandus! Amandus!_
+
+at every town and city, sitting down forlorn at the gate ----Has
+_Amandus!_--has my _Amandus_ enter'd? ----till, ----going round, and
+round, and round the world----chance unexpected bringing them at the
+same moment of the night, though by different ways, to the gate of
+_Lyons_, their native city, and each in well-known accents calling out
+aloud,
+
+  Is _Amandus_    }
+  Is my _Amanda_  } still alive?
+
+they fly into each other's arms, and both drop down dead for joy.
+
+There is a soft ćra in every gentle mortal's life, where such a story
+affords more _pabulum_ to the brain, than all the _Frusts_, and
+_Crusts_, and _Rusts_ of antiquity, which travellers can cook up for it.
+
+----'Twas all that stuck on the right side of the cullender in my own,
+of what _Spon_ and others, in their accounts of _Lyons_, had _strained_
+into it; and finding, moreover, in some Itinerary, but in what God
+knows ----That sacred to the fidelity of _Amandus_ and _Amanda_, a tomb
+was built without the gates, where, to this hour, lovers called upon
+them to attest their truths ----I never could get into a scrape of that
+kind in my life, but this _tomb of the lovers_ would, somehow or other,
+come in at the close----nay such a kind of empire had it establish'd
+over me, that I could seldom think or speak of _Lyons_--and sometimes
+not so much as see even a _Lyons-waistcoat_, but this remnant of
+antiquity would present itself to my fancy; and I have often said in my
+wild way of running on----tho' I fear with some irreverence---- "I
+thought this shrine (neglected as it was) as valuable as that of
+_Mecca_, and so little short, except in wealth, of the _Santa Casa_
+itself, that some time or other, I would go a pilgrimage (though I had
+no other business at _Lyons_) on purpose to pay it a visit."
+
+In my list, therefore, of _Videnda_ at _Lyons_, this, tho' _last_, --was
+not, you see, _least_; so taking a dozen or two of longer strides than
+usual across my room, just whilst it passed my brain, I walked down
+calmly into the _Basse Cour_, in order to sally forth; and having called
+for my bill--as it was uncertain whether I should return to my inn,
+I had paid it----had moreover given the maid ten sous, and was just
+receiving the dernier compliments of Monsieur _Le Blanc_, for a pleasant
+voyage down the _Rhône_----when I was stopped at the gate----
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+
+----'Twas by a poor ass, who had just turned in with a couple of large
+panniers upon his back, to collect eleemosynary turnip-tops and
+cabbage-leaves; and stood dubious, with his two fore-feet on the inside
+of the threshold, and with his two hinder feet towards the street, as
+not knowing very well whether he was to go in or no.
+
+Now, 'tis an animal (be in what hurry I may) I cannot bear to
+strike----there is a patient endurance of sufferings, wrote so
+unaffectedly in his looks and carriage, which pleads so mightily for
+him, that it always disarms me; and to that degree, that I do not like
+to speak unkindly to him: on the contrary, meet him where I
+will--whether in town or country--in cart or under panniers--whether in
+liberty or bondage ----I have ever something civil to say to him on my
+part; and as one word begets another (if he has as little to do
+as I) ----I generally fall into conversation with him; and surely never
+is my imagination so busy as in framing his responses from the etchings
+of his countenance--and where those carry me not deep enough----in
+flying from my own heart into his, and seeing what is natural for an ass
+to think--as well as a man, upon the occasion. In truth, it is the only
+creature of all the classes of beings below me, with whom I can do this:
+for parrots, jackdaws, &c. ----I never exchange a word with them----nor
+with the apes, &c., for pretty near the same reason; they act by rote,
+as the others speak by it, and equally make me silent: nay my dog and my
+cat, though I value them both----(and for my dog he would speak if he
+could)--yet somehow or other, they neither of them possess the talents
+for conversation ----I can make nothing of a discourse with them, beyond
+the _proposition_, the _reply_, and _rejoinder_, which terminated my
+father's and my mother's conversations, in his beds of justice----and
+those utter'd----there's an end of the dialogue----
+
+--But with an ass, I can commune for ever.
+
+Come, _Honesty!_ said I, ----seeing it was impracticable to pass betwixt
+him and the gate----art thou for coming in, or going out?
+
+The ass twisted his head round to look up the street----
+
+Well--replied I--we'll wait a minute for thy driver:
+
+----He turned his head thoughtful about, and looked wistfully the
+opposite way----
+
+I understand thee perfectly, answered I ----If thou takest a wrong step
+in this affair, he will cudgel thee to death ----Well! a minute is but a
+minute, and if it saves a fellow-creature a drubbing, it shall not be
+set down as ill spent.
+
+He was eating the stem of an artichoke as this discourse went on, and in
+the little peevish contentions of nature betwixt hunger and
+unsavouriness, had dropt it out of his mouth half a dozen times, and
+pick'd it up again ----God help thee, _Jack!_ said I, thou hast a bitter
+breakfast on't--and many a bitter day's labour, --and many a bitter
+blow, I fear, for its wages----'tis all--all bitterness to thee,
+whatever life is to others. ----And now thy mouth, if one knew the truth
+of it, is as bitter, I dare say, as soot--(for he had cast aside the
+stem) and thou hast not a friend perhaps in all this world, that will
+give thee a macaroon. ----In saying this, I pull'd out a paper of 'em,
+which I had just purchased, and gave him one--and at this moment that I
+am telling it, my heart smites me, that there was more of pleasantry in
+the conceit, of seeing _how_ an ass would eat a macaroon----than of
+benevolence in giving him one, which presided in the act.
+
+When the ass had eaten his macaroon, I press'd him to come in--the poor
+beast was heavy loaded----his legs seem'd to tremble under him----he
+hung rather backwards, and as I pull'd at his halter, it broke short in
+my hand----he look'd up pensive in my face-- "Don't thrash me with
+it--but if you will, you may" ----If I do, said I, I'll be d----d.
+
+The word was but one-half of it pronounced, like the abbess of
+_Andoüillets'_--(so there was no sin in it)--when a person coming in,
+let fall a thundering bastinado upon the poor devil's crupper, which put
+an end to the ceremony.
+
+  _Out upon it!_
+
+cried I----but the interjection was equivocal----and, I think, wrong
+placed too--for the end of an osier which had started out from the
+contexture of the ass's pannier, had caught hold of my breeches pocket,
+as he rush'd by me, and rent it in the most disastrous direction you can
+imagine----so that the
+
+_Out upon it!_ in my opinion, should have come in here----but this I
+leave to be settled by
+
+  THE
+  REVIEWERS
+  OF
+  MY BREECHES,
+
+which I have brought over along with me for that purpose.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+
+
+When all was set to rights, I came down stairs again into the _basse
+cour_ with my _valet de place_, in order to sally out towards the tomb
+of the two lovers, &c. --and was a second time stopp'd at the
+gate----not by the ass--but by the person who struck him; and who, by
+that time, had taken possession (as is not uncommon after a defeat) of
+the very spot of ground where the ass stood.
+
+It was a commissary sent to me from the post-office, with a rescript in
+his hand for the payment of some six livres odd sous.
+
+Upon what account? said I. ----'Tis upon the part of the king, replied
+the commissary, heaving up both his shoulders----
+
+----My good friend, quoth I----as sure as I am I--and you are you----
+
+----And who are you? said he. ------Don't puzzle me; said I.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+
+
+----But it is an indubitable verity, continued I, addressing myself to
+the commissary, changing only the form of my asseveration----that I owe
+the king of _France_ nothing but my good-will; for he is a very honest
+man, and I wish him all health and pastime in the world----
+
+_Pardonnez moi_--replied the commissary, you are indebted to him six
+livres four sous, for the next post from hence to St. _Fons_, in your
+route to _Avignon_--which being a post royal, you pay double for the
+horses and postillion--otherwise 'twould have amounted to no more than
+three livres two sous----
+
+----But I don't go by land; said I.
+
+----You may if you please; replied the commissary----
+
+Your most obedient servant----said I, making him a low bow----
+
+The commissary, with all the sincerity of grave good breeding--made me
+one, as low again. ----I never was more disconcerted with a bow in my
+life.
+
+----The devil take the serious character of these people! quoth
+I--(aside) they understand no more of IRONY than this----
+
+The comparison was standing close by with his panniers--but something
+seal'd up my lips --I could not pronounce the name--
+
+Sir, said I, collecting myself--it is not my intention to take post----
+
+--But you may--said he, persisting in his first reply--you may take post
+if you chuse----
+
+--And I may take salt to my pickled herring, said I, if I chuse----
+
+--But I do not chuse--
+
+--But you must pay for it, whether you do or no.
+
+Aye! for the salt; said I (I know)----
+
+--And for the post too; added he. Defend me! cried I----
+
+I travel by water --I am going down the _Rhône_ this very afternoon--my
+baggage is in the boat--and I have actually paid nine livres for my
+passage----
+
+_C'est tout egal_--'tis all one; said he.
+
+_Bon Dieu!_ what, pay for the way I go! and for the way I do _not_ go!
+
+----_C'est tout egal_; replied the commissary----
+
+----The devil it is! said I--but I will go to ten thousand Bastiles
+first----
+
+_O England! England!_ thou land of liberty, and climate of good sense,
+thou tenderest of mothers--and gentlest of nurses, cried I, kneeling
+upon one knee, as I was beginning my apostrophe.
+
+When the director of Madam _Le Blanc's_ conscience coming in at that
+instant, and seeing a person in black, with a face as pale as ashes, at
+his devotions--looking still paler by the contrast and distress of his
+drapery--ask'd, if I stood in want of the aids of the church----
+
+I go by WATER--said I--and here's another will be for making me pay for
+going by OIL.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+
+
+As I perceived the commissary of the post-office would have his six
+livres four sous, I had nothing else for it, but to say some smart thing
+upon the occasion, worth the money:
+
+And so I set off thus:----
+
+----And pray, Mr. Commissary, by what law of courtesy is a defenceless
+stranger to be used just the reverse from what you use a _Frenchman_ in
+this matter?
+
+By no means; said he.
+
+Excuse me; said I--for you have begun, Sir, with first tearing off my
+breeches--and now you want my pocket----
+
+Whereas--had you first taken my pocket, as you do with your own
+people--and then left me bare a--'d after --I had been a beast to have
+complain'd----
+
+As it is----
+
+----'Tis contrary to the _law of nature_.
+
+----'Tis contrary to _reason_.
+
+----'Tis contrary to the GOSPEL.
+
+But not to this----said he--putting a printed paper into my hand,
+
+  PAR LE ROY.
+
+  ------'Tis a pithy prolegomenon, quoth I--and so read on
+  ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----
+  ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----
+  ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----
+  ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----
+  ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- --------
+
+----By all which it appears, quoth I, having read it over, a little too
+rapidly, that if a man sets out in a post-chaise from _Paris_--he must
+go on travelling in one, all the days of his life--or pay for it.
+--Excuse me, said the commissary, the spirit of the ordinance is
+this --That if you set out with an intention of running post from _Paris_
+to _Avignon_, &c., you shall not change that intention or mode of
+travelling, without first satisfying the fermiers for two posts further
+than the place you repent at--and 'tis founded, continued he, upon this,
+that the REVENUES are not to fall short through your _fickleness_----
+
+----O by heavens! cried I--if fickleness is taxable in _France_--we have
+nothing to do but to make the best peace with you we can----
+
+AND SO THE PEACE WAS MADE;
+
+----And if it is a bad one--as _Tristram Shandy_ laid the corner-stone
+of it--nobody but _Tristram Shandy_ ought to be hanged.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI
+
+
+Though I was sensible I had said as many clever things to the commissary
+as came to six livres four sous, yet I was determined to note down the
+imposition amongst my remarks before I retired from the place; so
+putting my hand into my coat-pocket for my remarks--(which, by the bye,
+may be a caution to travellers to take a little more care of _their_
+remarks for the future) "my remarks were _stolen_" ----Never did sorry
+traveller make such a pother and racket about his remarks as I did about
+mine, upon the occasion.
+
+Heaven! earth! sea! fire! cried I, calling in everything to my aid but
+what I should ------My remarks are stolen! --what shall I do? ----Mr.
+Commissary! pray did I drop any remarks, as I stood besides you?------
+
+You dropp'd a good many very singular ones; replied he ----Pugh! said I,
+those were but a few, not worth above six livres two sous--but these are
+a large parcel ----He shook his head ----Monsieur _Le Blanc!_ Madam _Le
+Blanc!_ did you see any papers of mine? --you maid of the house! run up
+stairs--_François!_ run up after her----
+
+--I must have my remarks----they were the best remarks, cried I, that
+ever were made--the wisest--the wittiest --What shall I do? --which way
+shall I turn myself?
+
+_Sancho Pança_, when he lost his ass's FURNITURE, did not exclaim more
+bitterly.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII
+
+
+When the first transport was over, and the registers of the brain were
+beginning to get a little out of the confusion into which this jumble of
+cross accidents had cast them--it then presently occurr'd to me, that I
+had left my remarks in the pocket of the chaise--and that in selling my
+chaise, I had sold my remarks along with it, to the chaise-vamper.
+                    I leave this void space that the reader may swear
+into it any oath that he is most accustomed to ----For my own part, if
+ever I swore a _whole_ oath into a vacancy in my life, I think it was
+into that----*********, said I--and so my remarks through _France_,
+which were as full of wit, as an egg is full of meat, and as well worth
+four hundred guineas, as the said egg is worth a penny--have I been
+selling here to a chaise-vamper--for four _Louis d'Ors_--and giving him
+a post-chaise (by heaven) worth six into the bargain; had it been to
+_Dodsley_, or _Becket_, or any creditable bookseller, who was either
+leaving off business, and wanted a post-chaise--or who was beginning
+it--and wanted my remarks, and two or three guineas along with them
+--I could have borne it----but to a chaise-vamper! --shew me to him this
+moment, _François_, --said I --The valet de place put on his hat, and
+led the way--and I pull'd off mine, as I pass'd the commissary, and
+followed him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII
+
+
+When we arrived at the Chaise-vamper's House, Both the House and the
+shop were shut up; it was the eighth of _September_, the nativity of the
+blessed Virgin _Mary_, mother of God--
+
+----Tantarra-ra-tan-tivi----the whole world was gone out a
+May-poling--frisking here--capering there----nobody cared a button for
+me or my remarks; so I sat me down upon a bench by the door,
+philosophating upon my condition: by a better fate than usually attends
+me, I had not waited half an hour, when the mistress came in to take the
+papilliotes from off her hair, before she went to the May-poles----
+
+The _French_ women, by the bye, love May-poles, _ŕ la folie_--that is,
+as much as their matins----give 'em but a May-pole, whether in _May_,
+_June_, _July_, or _September_--they never count the times----down it
+goes----'tis meat, drink, washing, and lodging to 'em----and had we but
+the policy, an' please your worships (as wood is a little scarce in
+_France_), to send them but plenty of May-poles----
+
+The women would set them up; and when they had done, they would dance
+round them (and the men for company) till they were all blind.
+
+The wife of the chaise-vamper stepp'd in, I told you, to take the
+papilliotes from off her hair----the toilet stands still for no
+man----so she jerk'd off her cap, to begin with them as she open'd the
+door, in doing which, one of them fell upon the ground ----I instantly
+saw it was my own writing----
+
+O Seigneur! cried I--you have got all my remarks upon your head, Madam!
+----_J'en suis bien mortifiée_, said she----'tis well, thinks I, they
+have stuck there--for could they have gone deeper, they would have made
+such confusion in a _French_ woman's noddle --She had better have gone
+with it unfrizled, to the day of eternity.
+
+_Tenez_--said she--so without any idea of the nature of my suffering,
+she took them from her curls, and put them gravely one by one into my
+hat----one was twisted this way----another twisted that----ey! by my
+faith; and when they are published, quoth I,----
+
+They will be worse twisted still.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX
+
+
+And now for _Lippius's_ clock! said I, with the air of a man, who had
+got thro' all his difficulties----nothing can prevent us seeing that,
+and the _Chinese_ history, &c., except the time, said _François_----for
+'tis almost eleven --Then we must speed the faster, said I, striding it
+away to the cathedral.
+
+I cannot say, in my heart, that it gave me any concern in being told by
+one of the minor canons, as I was entering the west door, --That
+_Lippius's_ great clock was all out of joints, and had not gone for some
+years ----It will give me the more time, thought I, to peruse the
+_Chinese_ history; and besides I shall be able to give the world a
+better account of the clock in its decay, than I could have done in its
+flourishing condition----
+
+----And so away I posted to the college of the Jesuits.
+
+Now it is with the project of getting a peep at the history of _China_
+in _Chinese_ characters--as with many others I could mention, which
+strike the fancy only at a distance; for as I came nearer and nearer to
+the point--my blood cool'd--the freak gradually went off, till at length
+I would not have given a cherrystone to have it gratified ------The truth
+was, my time was short, and my heart was at the Tomb of the Lovers ----I
+wish to God, said I, as I got the rapper in my hand, that the key of the
+library may be but lost; it fell out as well------
+
+_For all the JESUITS had got the cholic_--and to that degree, as never
+was known in the memory of the oldest practitioner.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL
+
+
+As I knew the geography of the Tomb of the Lovers, as well as if I had
+lived twenty years in _Lyons_, namely, that it was upon the turning of
+my right hand, just without the gate, leading to the _Fauxbourg de
+Vaise_ ----I dispatched _François_ to the boat, that I might pay the
+homage I so long ow'd it, without a witness of my weakness --I walk'd
+with all imaginable joy towards the place----when I saw the gate which
+intercepted the tomb, my heart glowed within me----
+
+--Tender and faithful spirits! cried I, addressing myself to _Amandus_
+and _Amanda_--long--long have I tarried to drop this tear upon your
+tomb ------I come ------I come------
+
+When I came--there was no tomb to drop it upon.
+
+What would I have given for my uncle _Toby_, to have whistled
+Lillabullero!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLI
+
+
+No matter how, or in what mood--but I flew from the tomb of the
+lovers--or rather I did not fly _from_ it--(for there was no such thing
+existing) and just got time enough to the boat to save my passage; --and
+ere I had sailed a hundred yards, the _Rhône_ and the _Saôn_ met
+together, and carried me down merrily betwixt them.
+
+But I have described this voyage down the _Rhône_, before I made it----
+
+----So now I am at _Avignon_, and as there is nothing to see but the old
+house, in which the duke of _Ormond_ resided, and nothing to stop me but
+a short remark upon the place, in three minutes you will see me crossing
+the bridge upon a mule, with _François_ upon a horse with my portmanteau
+behind him, and the owner of both, striding the way before us, with a
+long gun upon his shoulder, and a sword under his arm, lest peradventure
+we should run away with his cattle. Had you seen my breeches in entering
+_Avignon_, ----Though you'd have seen them better, I think, as I
+mounted--you would not have thought the precaution amiss, or found in
+your heart to have taken it in dudgeon; for my own part, I took it most
+kindly; and determined to make him a present of them, when we got to the
+end of our journey, for the trouble they had put him to, of arming
+himself at all points against them.
+
+Before I go further, let me get rid of my remark upon _Avignon_, which
+is this: That I think it wrong, merely because a man's hat has been
+blown off his head by chance the first night he comes to _Avignon_,
+----that he should therefore say, "_Avignon_ is more subject to high
+winds than any town in all _France_:" for which reason I laid no stress
+upon the accident till I had enquired of the master of the inn about it,
+who telling me seriously it was so----and hearing, moreover, the
+windiness of _Avignon_ spoke of in the country about as a proverb ----I
+set it down, merely to ask the learned what can be the cause----the
+consequence I saw--for they are all Dukes, Marquisses, and Counts,
+there----the duce a Baron, in all _Avignon_----so that there is scarce
+any talking to them on a windy day.
+
+Prithee, friend, said I, take hold of my mule for a moment----for I
+wanted to pull off one of my jack-boots, which hurt my heel--the man was
+standing quite idle at the door of the inn, and as I had taken it into
+my head, he was someway concerned about the house or stable, I put the
+bridle into his hand--so begun with the boot: --when I had finished the
+affair, I turned about to take the mule from the man, and thank him----
+
+------But _Monsieur le Marquis_ had walked in----
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLII
+
+
+I had now the whole south of _France_, from the banks of the _Rhône_ to
+those of the _Garonne_, to traverse upon my mule at my own leisure--_at
+my own leisure_----for I had left Death, the Lord knows----and He
+only--how far behind me---- "I have followed many a man thro' _France_,
+quoth he--but never at this mettlesome rate." ----Still he followed,
+----and still I fled him----but I fled him chearfully----still he
+pursued----but, like one who pursued his prey without hope----as he
+lagg'd, every step he lost, soften'd his looks----why should I fly him
+at this rate?
+
+So notwithstanding all the commissary of the post-office had said,
+I changed the _mode_ of my travelling once more; and, after so
+precipitate and rattling a course as I had run, I flattered my fancy
+with thinking of my mule, and that I should traverse the rich plains of
+_Languedoc_ upon his back, as slowly as foot could fall.
+
+There is nothing more pleasing to a traveller----or more terrible to
+travel-writers, than a large rich plain; especially if it is without
+great rivers or bridges; and presents nothing to the eye, but one
+unvaried picture of plenty: for after they have once told you, that 'tis
+delicious! or delightful! (as the case happens)--that the soil was
+grateful, and that nature pours out all her abundance, &c. . . . they
+have then a large plain upon their hands, which they know not what to do
+with--and which is of little or no use to them but to carry them to some
+town; and that town, perhaps of little more, but a new place to start
+from to the next plain----and so on.
+
+--This is most terrible work; judge if I don't manage my plains better.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII
+
+
+I had not gone above two leagues and a half, before the man with his gun
+began to look at his priming.
+
+I had three several times loiter'd _terribly_ behind; half a mile at
+least every time; once, in deep conference with a drum-maker, who was
+making drums for the fairs of _Baucaira_ and _Tarascone_ --I did not
+understand the principles----
+
+The second time, I cannot so properly say, I stopp'd----for meeting a
+couple of _Franciscans_ straitened more for time than myself, and not
+being able to get to the bottom of what I was about ----I had turn'd back
+with them----
+
+The third, was an affair of trade with a gossip, for a hand-basket of
+_Provence_ figs for four sous; this would have been transacted at once;
+but for a case of conscience at the close of it; for when the figs were
+paid for, it turn'd out, that there were two dozen of eggs cover'd over
+with vine-leaves at the bottom of the basket--as I had no intention of
+buying eggs --I made no sort of claim of them--as for the space they had
+occupied--what signified it? I had figs enow for my money----
+
+--But it was my intention to have the basket--it was the gossip's
+intention to keep it, without which, she could do nothing with her
+eggs----and unless I had the basket, I could do as little with my figs,
+which were too ripe already, and most of 'em burst at the side: this
+brought on a short contention, which terminated in sundry proposals,
+what we should both do----
+
+----How we disposed of our eggs and figs, I defy you, or the Devil
+himself, had he not been there (which I am persuaded he was), to form
+the least probable conjecture: You will read the whole of it------not
+this year, for I am hastening to the story of my uncle _Toby's_
+amours--but you will read it in the collection of those which have arose
+out of the journey across this plain--and which, therefore, I call my
+
+  PLAIN STORIES.
+
+How far my pen has been fatigued, like those of other travellers, in
+this journey of it, over so barren a track--the world must judge--but
+the traces of it, which are now all set o' vibrating together this
+moment, tell me 'tis the most fruitful and busy period of my life; for
+as I had made no convention with my man with the gun, as to time--by
+stopping and talking to every soul I met, who was not in a full
+trot--joining all parties before me--waiting for every soul
+behind--hailing all those who were coming through cross-roads--arresting
+all kinds of beggars, pilgrims, fiddlers, friars----not passing by a
+woman in a mulberry-tree without commending her legs, and tempting her
+into conversation with a pinch of snuff ------In short, by seizing every
+handle, of what size or shape soever, which chance held out to me in
+this journey --I turned my _plain_ into a _city_ --I was always in
+company, and with great variety too; and as my mule loved society as
+much as myself, and had some proposals always on his part to offer to
+every beast he met --I am confident we could have passed through
+_Pall-Mall_, or St. _James's_-Street for a month together, with fewer
+adventures--and seen less of human nature.
+
+O! there is that sprightly frankness, which at once unpins every plait
+of a _Languedocian's_ dress--that whatever is beneath it, it looks so
+like the simplicity which poets sing of in better days --I will delude
+my fancy, and believe it is so.
+
+'Twas in the road betwixt _Nismes_ and _Lunel_, where there is the best
+_Muscatto_ wine in all _France_, and which by the bye belongs to the
+honest canons of MONTPELLIER--and foul befal the man who has drank it at
+their table, who grudges them a drop of it.
+
+----The sun was set--they had done their work; the nymphs had tied up
+their hair afresh--and the swains were preparing for a carousal----my
+mule made a dead point----'Tis the fife and tabourin, said I ----I'm
+frighten'd to death, quoth he ----They are running at the ring of
+pleasure, said I, giving him a prick ----By saint _Boogar_, and all the
+saints at the backside of the door of purgatory, said he--(making the
+same resolution with the abbesse of _Andoüillets_) I'll not go a step
+further------'Tis very well, sir, said I ----I never will argue a point
+with one of your family, as long as I live; so leaping off his back, and
+kicking off one boot into this ditch, and t'other into that --I'll take
+a dance, said I--so stay you here.
+
+A sun-burnt daughter of Labour rose up from the groupe to meet me, as I
+advanced towards them; her hair, which was a dark chesnut approaching
+rather to a black, was tied up in a knot, all but a single tress.
+
+We want a cavalier, said she, holding out both her hands, as if to offer
+them --And a cavalier ye shall have; said I, taking hold of both of them.
+
+Hadst thou, _Nannette_, been array'd like a dutchesse!
+
+----But that cursed slit in thy petticoat!
+
+_Nannette_ cared not for it.
+
+We could not have done without you, said she, letting go one hand, with
+self-taught politeness, leading me up with the other.
+
+A lame youth, whom _Apollo_ had recompensed with a pipe, and to which he
+had added a tabourin of his own accord, ran sweetly over the prelude, as
+he sat upon the bank ----Tie me up this tress instantly, said _Nannette_,
+putting a piece of string into my hand --It taught me to forget I was a
+stranger ----The whole knot fell down ----We had been seven years
+acquainted.
+
+The youth struck the note upon the tabourin--his pipe followed, and off
+we bounded---- "the duce take that slit!"
+
+The sister of the youth, who had stolen her voice from heaven, sung
+alternately with her brother----'twas a _Gascoigne_ roundelay.
+
+  VIVA LA JOIA!
+  FIDON LA TRISTESSA!
+
+The nymphs join'd in unison, and their swains an octave below them----
+
+I would have given a crown to have it sew'd up--_Nannette_ would not
+have given a SOUS--_Viva la joia!_ was in her lips--_Viva la joia!_ was
+in her eyes. A transient spark of amity shot across the space betwixt
+us ----She look'd amiable! ----Why could I not live, and end my days
+thus? Just Disposer of our joys and sorrows, cried I, why could not a
+man sit down in the lap of content here----and dance, and sing, and say
+his prayers, and go to heaven with this nut-brown maid? Capriciously did
+she bend her head on one side, and dance up insidious ----Then 'tis time
+to dance off, quoth I; so changing only partners and tunes, I danced it
+away from _Lunel_ to _Montpellier_----from thence to _Pesçnas_,
+_Beziers_ ----I danced it along through _Narbonne_, _Carcasson_, and
+_Castle Naudairy_, till at last I danced myself into _Perdrillo's_
+pavillion, where pulling out a paper of black lines, that I might go on
+straight forwards, without digression or parenthesis, in my uncle
+_Toby's_ amours----
+
+I begun thus----
+
+
+
+
+BOOK VIII
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+----But softly----for in these sportive plains, and under this genial
+sun, where at this instant all flesh is running out piping, fiddling,
+and dancing to the vintage, and every step that's taken, the judgment is
+surprised by the imagination, I defy, notwithstanding all that has been
+said upon _straight lines_[8.1] in sundry pages of my book --I defy the
+best cabbage planter that ever existed, whether he plants backwards or
+forwards, it makes little difference in the account (except that he will
+have more to answer for in the one case than in the other) --I defy him
+to go on coolly, critically, and canonically, planting his cabbages one
+by one, in straight lines, and stoical distances, especially if slits in
+petticoats are unsew'd up--without ever and anon straddling out, or
+sidling into some bastardly digression ----In _Freeze-land_, _Fog-land_,
+and some other lands I wot of--it may be done----
+
+But in this clear climate of fantasy and perspiration, where every idea,
+sensible and insensible, gets vent--in this land, my dear _Eugenius_--in
+this fertile land of chivalry and romance, where I now sit, unskrewing
+my ink-horn to write my uncle _Toby's_ amours, and with all the meanders
+of JULIA'S track in quest of her DIEGO, in full view of my study
+window--if thou comest not and takest me by the hand----
+
+What a work it is likely to turn out!
+
+Let us begin it.
+
+    [Footnote 8.1: Vid. pp. 347-348.]  [[Book VI, Chapter XL]]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+It is with LOVE as with CUCKOLDOM----
+
+But now I am talking of beginning a book, and have long had a thing upon
+my mind to be imparted to the reader, which, if not imparted now, can
+never be imparted to him as long as I live (whereas the COMPARISON may
+be imparted to him any hour in the day) ----I'll just mention it, and
+begin in good earnest.
+
+The thing is this.
+
+That of all the several ways of beginning a book which are now in
+practice throughout the known world, I am confident my own way of doing
+it is the best ----I'm sure it is the most religious----for I begin with
+writing the first sentence----and trusting to Almighty God for the
+second.
+
+'Twould cure an author for ever of the fuss and folly of opening his
+street-door, and calling in his neighbours and friends, and kinsfolk,
+with the devil and all his imps, with their hammers and engines, &c.,
+only to observe how one sentence of mine follows another, and how the
+plan follows the whole.
+
+I wish you saw me half starting out of my chair, with what confidence,
+as I grasp the elbow of it, I look up----catching the idea, even
+sometimes before it half way reaches me----
+
+I believe in my conscience I intercept many a thought which heaven
+intended for another man.
+
+_Pope_ and his Portrait[8.2] are fools to me----no martyr is ever so
+full of faith or fire ----I wish I could say of good works too----but I
+have no
+
+  Zeal or Anger----or
+  Anger or Zeal----
+
+And till gods and men agree together to call it by the same name----the
+errantest TARTUFFE, in science--in politics--or in religion, shall never
+kindle a spark within me, or have a worse word, or a more unkind
+greeting, than what he will read in the next chapter.
+
+    [Footnote 8.2: Vid. _Pope's_ Portrait.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+----Bonjour! ----good morrow! ----so you have got your cloak on betimes!
+----but 'tis a cold morning, and you judge the matter rightly----'tis
+better to be well mounted, than go o' foot----and obstructions in the
+glands are dangerous ----And how goes it with thy concubine--thy wife,
+--and thy little ones o' both sides? and when did you hear from the old
+gentleman and lady--your sister, aunt, uncle, and cousins ----I hope they
+have got better of their colds, coughs, claps, toothaches, fevers,
+stranguries, sciaticas, swellings, and sore eyes.
+
+----What a devil of an apothecary! to take so much blood--give such a
+vile purge--puke--poultice--plaister--night-draught--clyster--blister?
+----And why so many grains of calomel? santa Maria! and such a dose of
+opium! periclitating, pardi! the whole family of ye, from head to
+tail ----By my great-aunt _Dinah's_ old black velvet mask! I think there
+was no occasion for it.
+
+Now this being a little bald about the chin, by frequently putting off
+and on, _before_ she was got with child by the coachman--not one of our
+family would wear it after. To cover the MASK afresh, was more than the
+mask was worth----and to wear a mask which was bald, or which could be
+half seen through, was as bad as having no mask at all----
+
+This is the reason, may it please your reverences, that in all our
+numerous family, for these four generations, we count no more than one
+archbishop, a _Welch_ judge, some three or four aldermen, and a single
+mountebank----
+
+In the sixteenth century, we boast of no less than a dozen alchymists.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+"It is with Love as with Cuckoldom"----the suffering party is at least
+the _third_, but generally the last in the house who knows anything
+about the matter: this comes, as all the world knows, from having half a
+dozen words for one thing; and so long, as what in this vessel of the
+human frame, is _Love_--may be _Hatred_, in that----_Sentiment_ half a
+yard higher----and _Nonsense_----------no, Madam, --not there ----I mean
+at the part I am now pointing to with my forefinger----how can we help
+ourselves?
+
+Of all mortal, and immortal men too, if you please, who ever
+soliloquized upon this mystic subject, my uncle _Toby_ was the worst
+fitted, to have push'd his researches, thro' such a contention of
+feelings; and he had infallibly let them all run on, as we do worse
+matters, to see what they would turn out----had not _Bridget's_
+pre-notification of them to _Susannah_, and _Susannah's_ repeated
+manifestoes thereupon to all the world, made it necessary for my uncle
+_Toby_ to look into the affair.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+Why weavers, gardeners, and gladiators--or a man with a pined leg
+(proceeding from some ailment in the _foot_)--should ever have had some
+tender nymph breaking her heart in secret for them, are points well and
+duly settled and accounted for by ancient and modern physiologists.
+
+A water-drinker, provided he is a profess'd one, and does it without
+fraud or covin, is precisely in the same predicament: not that, at first
+sight, there is any consequence, or show of logic in it, "That a rill of
+cold water dribbling through my inward parts, should light up a torch in
+my _Jenny's_--"
+
+----The proposition does not strike one; on the contrary, it seems to
+run opposite to the natural workings of causes and effects----
+
+But it shews the weakness and imbecility of human reason.
+
+----"And in perfect good health with it?"
+
+--The most perfect, --Madam, that friendship herself could wish me----
+
+"And drink nothing! --nothing but water?"
+
+--Impetuous fluid! the moment thou pressest against the flood-gates of
+the brain----see how they give way!----
+
+In swims CURIOSITY, beckoning to her damsels to follow--they dive into
+the centre of the current----
+
+FANCY sits musing upon the bank, and with her eyes following the stream,
+turns straws and bulrushes into masts and bowsprits ----And DESIRE, with
+vest held up to the knee in one hand, snatches at them, as they swim by
+her with the other----
+
+O ye water-drinkers! is it then by this delusive fountain, that ye
+have so often governed and turn'd this world about like a mill-wheel--
+grinding the faces of the impotent--bepowdering their ribs--bepeppering
+their noses, and changing sometimes even the very frame and face of
+nature----
+
+If I was you, quoth _Yorick_, I would drink more water, _Eugenius_
+--And, if I was you, _Yorick_, replied _Eugenius_, so would I.
+
+Which shews they had both read _Longinus_----
+
+For my own part, I am resolved never to read any book but my own, as
+long as I live.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+I wish my uncle _Toby_ had been a water-drinker; for then the thing had
+been accounted for, That the first moment Widow _Wadman_ saw him, she
+felt something stirring within her in his favour --Something!
+--something.
+
+--Something perhaps more than friendship--less than love--something--no
+matter what--no matter where --I would not give a single hair off my
+mule's tail, and be obliged to pluck it off myself (indeed the villain
+has not many to spare, and is not a little vicious into the bargain), to
+be let by your worships into the secret----
+
+But the truth is, my uncle _Toby_ was not a water-drinker; he drank it
+neither pure nor mix'd, or any how, or any where, except fortuitously
+upon some advanced posts, where better liquor was not to be had----or
+during the time he was under cure; when the surgeon telling him it would
+extend the fibres, and bring them sooner into contact----my uncle _Toby_
+drank it for quietness sake.
+
+Now as all the world knows, that no effect in nature can be produced
+without a cause, and as it is as well known, that my uncle _Toby_ was
+neither a weaver--a gardener, or a gladiator----unless as a captain, you
+will needs have him one--but then he was only a captain of foot--and
+besides, the whole is an equivocation ----There is nothing left for us to
+suppose, but that my uncle _Toby's_ leg----but that will avail us little
+in the present hypothesis, unless it had proceeded from some ailment _in
+the foot_--whereas his leg was not emaciated from any disorder in his
+foot--for my uncle _Toby's_ leg was not emaciated at all. It was a
+little stiff and awkward, from a total disuse of it, for the three years
+he lay confined at my father's house in town; but it was plump and
+muscular, and in all other respects as good and promising a leg as the
+other.
+
+I declare, I do not recollect any one opinion or passage of my life,
+where my understanding was more at a loss to make ends meet, and torture
+the chapter I had been writing, to the service of the chapter following
+it, than in the present case: one would think I took a pleasure in
+running into difficulties of this kind, merely to make fresh experiments
+of getting out of 'em ----Inconsiderate soul that thou art! What! are not
+the unavoidable distresses with which, as an author and a man, thou art
+hemm'd in on every side of thee----are they, _Tristram_, not sufficient,
+but thou must entangle thyself still more?
+
+Is it not enough that thou art in debt, and that thou hast ten
+cart-loads of thy fifth and sixth volumes[8.3] still--still unsold, and
+art almost at thy wit's ends, how to get them off thy hands?
+
+To this hour art thou not tormented with the vile asthma that thou
+gattest in skating against the wind in _Flanders?_ and is it but two
+months ago, that in a fit of laughter, on seeing a cardinal make water
+like a quirister (with both hands) thou brakest a vessel in thy lungs,
+whereby, in two hours, thou lost as many quarts of blood; and hadst thou
+lost as much more, did not the faculty tell thee------it would have
+amounted to a gallon?------
+
+    [Footnote 8.3: Alluding to the first edition.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+----But for heaven's sake, let us not talk of quarts or gallons----let
+us take the story straight before us; it is so nice and intricate a one,
+it will scarce bear the transposition of a single tittle; and, somehow
+or other, you have got me thrust almost into the middle of it--
+
+--I beg we may take more care.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+My uncle _Toby_ and the corporal had posted down with so much heat and
+precipitation, to take possession of the spot of ground we have so often
+spoke of, in order to open their campaign as early as the rest of the
+allies; that they had forgot one of the most necessary articles of the
+whole affair; it was neither a pioneer's spade, a pickax, or a shovel--
+
+--It was a bed to lie on: so that as _Shandy-Hall_ was at that time
+unfurnished; and the little inn where poor _Le Fever_ died, not yet
+built; my uncle _Toby_ was constrained to accept of a bed at Mrs.
+_Wadman's_, for a night or two, till corporal _Trim_ (who to the
+character of an excellent valet, groom, cook, sempster, surgeon, and
+engineer, superadded that of an excellent upholsterer too), with the
+help of a carpenter and a couple of taylors, constructed one in my uncle
+_Toby's_ house.
+
+A daughter of _Eve_, for such was widow _Wadman_, and 'tis all the
+character I intend to give of her--
+
+--"_That she was a perfect woman_--" had better be fifty leagues off--or
+in her warm bed--or playing with a case-knife--or anything you
+please--than make a man the object of her attention, when the house and
+all the furniture is her own.
+
+There is nothing in it out of doors and in broad day-light, where a
+woman has a power, physically speaking, of viewing a man in more lights
+than one--but here, for her soul, she can see him in no light without
+mixing something of her own goods and chattels along with him----till by
+reiterated acts of such combination, he gets foisted into her
+inventory----
+
+--And then good night.
+
+But this is not matter of SYSTEM; for I have delivered that above----nor
+is it matter of BREVIARY----for I make no man's creed but my own----nor
+matter of FACT----at least that I know of; but 'tis matter copulative
+and introductory to what follows.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+I do not speak it with regard to the coarseness or cleanness of them--or
+the strength of their gussets----but pray do not night-shifts differ
+from day-shifts as much in this particular, as in anything else in the
+world; That they so far exceed the others in length, that when you are
+laid down in them, they fall almost as much below the feet, as the
+day-shifts fall short of them?
+
+Widow _Wadman's_ night-shifts (as was the mode I suppose in King
+_William's_ and Queen _Anne's_ reigns) were cut however after this
+fashion; and if the fashion is changed (for in _Italy_ they are come to
+nothing)----so much the worse for the public; they were two _Flemish_
+ells and a half in length; so that allowing a moderate woman two ells,
+she had half an ell to spare, to do what she would with.
+
+Now from one little indulgence gained after another, in the many bleak
+and decemberly nights of a seven years widowhood, things had insensibly
+come to this pass, and for the two last years had got establish'd into
+one of the ordinances of the bed-chamber --That as soon as Mrs. _Wadman_
+was put to bed, and had got her legs stretched down to the bottom of it,
+of which she always gave _Bridget_ notice--_Bridget_, with all suitable
+decorum, having first open'd the bed-cloaths at the feet, took hold of
+the half-ell of cloth we are speaking of, and having gently, and with
+both her hands, drawn it downwards to its furthest extension, and then
+contracted it again side-long by four or five even plaits, she took a
+large corking pin out of her sleeve, and with the point directed towards
+her, pinn'd the plaits all fast together a little above the hem; which
+done, she tuck'd all in tight at the feet, and wish'd her mistress a
+good night.
+
+This was constant, and without any other variation than this; that on
+shivering and tempestuous nights, when _Bridget_ untuck'd the feet of
+the bed, &c., to do this----she consulted no thermometer but that of her
+own passions; and so performed it standing--kneeling--or squatting,
+according to the different degrees of faith, hope, and charity, she was
+in, and bore towards her mistress that night. In every other respect,
+the _etiquette_ was sacred, and might have vied with the most mechanical
+one of the most inflexible bed-chamber in _Christendom_.
+
+The first night, as soon as the corporal had conducted my uncle _Toby_
+upstairs, which was about ten ----Mrs. _Wadman_ threw herself into her
+arm-chair, and crossing her left knee with her right, which formed a
+resting-place for her elbow, she reclin'd her cheek upon the palm of her
+hand, and leaning forwards ruminated till midnight upon both sides of
+the question.
+
+The second night she went to her bureau, and having ordered _Bridget_ to
+bring her up a couple of fresh candles and leave them upon the table,
+she took out her marriage-settlement, and read it over with great
+devotion: and the third night (which was the last of my uncle _Toby's_
+stay) when _Bridget_ had pull'd down the night-shift, and was assaying
+to stick in the corking pin----
+
+----With a kick of both heels at once, but at the same time the most
+natural kick that could be kick'd in her situation----for supposing *  *
+ *  *  *  *  *  *  * to be the sun in its meridian, it was a north-east
+kick----she kick'd the pin out of her fingers----the _etiquette_ which
+hung upon it, down----down it fell to the ground, and was shiver'd into
+a thousand atoms.
+
+From all which it was plain that widow _Wadman_ was in love with my
+uncle _Toby_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+My uncle _Toby's_ head at that time was full of other matters, so that
+it was not till the demolition of _Dunkirk_, when all the other
+civilities of _Europe_ were settled, that he found leisure to return
+this.
+
+This made an armistice (that is, speaking with regard to my uncle
+_Toby_--but with respect to Mrs. _Wadman_, a vacancy)--of almost eleven
+years. But in all cases of this nature, as it is the second blow, happen
+at what distance of time it will, which makes the fray ----I chuse for
+that reason to call these the amours of my uncle _Toby_ with Mrs.
+_Wadman_, rather than the amours of Mrs. _Wadman_ with my uncle _Toby_.
+
+This is not a distinction without a difference.
+
+It is not like the affair of _an old hat cock'd_----and _a cock'd old
+hat_, about which your reverences have so often been at odds with one
+another----but there is a difference here in the nature of things----
+
+And let me tell you, gentry, a wide one too.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+Now as widow _Wadman_ did love my uncle _Toby_----and my uncle _Toby_
+did not love widow _Wadman_, there was nothing for widow _Wadman_ to do,
+but to go on and love my uncle _Toby_----or let it alone.
+
+Widow _Wadman_ would do neither the one or the other.
+
+----Gracious heaven! ----but I forget I am a little of her temper
+myself; for whenever it so falls out, which it sometimes does about the
+equinoxes, that an earthly goddess is so much this, and that, and
+t'other, that I cannot eat my breakfast for her----and that she careth
+not three halfpence whether I eat my breakfast or no----
+
+----Curse on her! and so I send her to _Tartary_, and from _Tartary_ to
+_Terra del Fuogo_, and so on to the devil: in short, there is not an
+infernal nitch where I do not take her divinityship and stick it.
+
+But as the heart is tender, and the passions in these tides ebb and flow
+ten times in a minute, I instantly bring her back again; and as I do all
+things in extremes, I place her in the very centre of the milky-way----
+
+Brightest of stars! thou wilt shed thy influence upon some one------
+
+----The duce take her and her influence too----for at that word I lose
+all patience----much good may it do him! ----By all that is hirsute and
+gashly! I cry, taking off my furr'd cap, and twisting it round my
+finger ----I would not give sixpence for a dozen such!
+
+----But 'tis an excellent cap too (putting it upon my head, and pressing
+it close to my ears)--and warm--and soft; especially if you stroke it
+the right way--but alas! that will never be my luck----(so here my
+philosophy is shipwreck'd again).
+
+----No; I shall never have a finger in the pye (so here I break my
+metaphor)----
+
+Crust and Crumb
+
+Inside and out
+
+Top and bottom ----I detest it, I hate it, I repudiate it ----I'm sick
+at the sight of it----
+
+'Tis all pepper,
+         garlick,
+         staragen,
+         salt, and
+         devil's dung----by the great arch-cook of cooks, who does
+nothing, I think, from morning to night, but sit down by the fire-side
+and invent inflammatory dishes for us, I would not touch it for the
+world----
+
+----_O Tristram! Tristram!_ cried _Jenny_.
+
+_O Jenny! Jenny!_ replied I, and so went on with the twelfth chapter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+----"Not touch it for the world," did I say----
+
+Lord, how I have heated my imagination with this metaphor!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+Which shows, let your reverences and worships say what you will of it
+(for as for _thinking_----all who do think--think pretty much alike both
+upon it and other matters) ----Love is certainly, at least alphabetically
+speaking, one of the most
+
+  A gitating
+  B ewitching
+  C onfounded
+  D evilish affairs of life--the most
+  E xtravagant
+  F utilitous
+  G alligaskinish
+  H andy-dandyish
+  I racundulous (there is no K to it) and
+  L yrical of all human passions: at the same time, the most
+  M isgiving
+  N innyhammering
+  O bstipating
+  P ragmatical
+  S tridulous
+  R idiculous--though by the bye the R should have gone first --But in
+short 'tis of such a nature, as my father once told my uncle _Toby_ upon
+the close of a long dissertation upon the subject---- "You can scarce,"
+said he, "combine two ideas together upon it, brother _Toby_, without an
+hypallage" ----What's that? cried my uncle _Toby_.
+
+The cart before the horse, replied my father----
+
+----And what is he to do there? cried my uncle _Toby_----
+
+Nothing, quoth my father, but to get in----or let it alone.
+
+Now widow _Wadman_, as I told you before, would do neither the one or
+the other.
+
+She stood however ready harnessed and caparisoned at all points, to
+watch accidents.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+The Fates, who certainly all foreknew of these amours of widow _Wadman_
+and my uncle _Toby_, had, from the first creation of matter and motion
+(and with more courtesy than they usually do things of this kind),
+established such a chain of causes and effects hanging so fast to one
+another, that it was scarce possible for my uncle _Toby_ to have dwelt
+in any other house in the world, or to have occupied any other garden in
+_Christendom_, but the very house and garden which join'd and laid
+parallel to Mrs. _Wadman's_; this, with the advantage of a thickset
+arbour in Mrs. _Wadman's_ garden, but planted in the hedge-row of my
+uncle _Toby's_, put all the occasions into her hands which
+Love-militancy wanted; she could observe my uncle _Toby's_ motions, and
+was mistress likewise of his councils of war; and as his unsuspecting
+heart had given leave to the corporal, through the mediation of
+_Bridget_, to make her a wicker-gate of communication to enlarge her
+walks, it enabled her to carry on her approaches to the very door of the
+sentry-box; and sometimes out of gratitude, to make an attack, and
+endeavour to blow my uncle _Toby_ up in the very sentry-box itself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+It is a great pity----but 'tis certain from every day's observation of
+man, that he may be set on fire like a candle, at either end--provided
+there is a sufficient wick standing out; if there is not--there's an end
+of the affair; and if there is--by lighting it at the bottom, as the
+flame in that case has the misfortune generally to put out
+itself--there's an end of the affair again.
+
+For my part, could I always have the ordering of it which way I would be
+burnt myself--for I cannot bear the thoughts of being burnt like a
+beast --I would oblige a housewife constantly to light me at the top; for
+then I should burn down decently to the socket; that is, from my head to
+my heart, from my heart to my liver, from my liver to my bowels, and so
+on by the meseraick veins and arteries, through all the turns and
+lateral insertions of the intestines and their tunicles to the blind
+gut----
+
+----I beseech you, doctor _Slop_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, interrupting
+him as he mentioned the _blind gut_, in a discourse with my father the
+night my mother was brought to bed of me ----I beseech you, quoth my
+uncle _Toby_, to tell me which is the blind gut; for, old as I am, I vow
+I do not know to this day where it lies.
+
+The _blind gut_, answered doctor _Slop_, lies betwixt the _Ilion_ and
+_Colon_----
+
+In a man? said my father.
+
+----'Tis precisely the same, cried doctor _Slop_, in a woman.----
+
+That's more than I know; quoth my father.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+----And so to make sure of both systems, Mrs. _Wadman_ predetermined to
+light my uncle _Toby_ neither at this end or that; but, like a
+prodigal's candle, to light him, if possible, at both ends at once.
+
+Now, through all the lumber rooms of military furniture, including both
+of horse and foot, from the great arsenal of _Venice_ to the _Tower_ of
+_London_ (exclusive), if Mrs. _Wadman_ had been rummaging for seven
+years together, and with _Bridget_ to help her, she could not have found
+any one _blind_ or _mantelet_ so fit for her purpose, as that which the
+expediency of my uncle _Toby's_ affairs had fix'd up ready to her hands.
+
+I believe I have not told you----but I don't know----possibly I
+have----be it as it will, 'tis one of the number of those many things,
+which a man had better do over again, than dispute about it --That
+whatever town or fortress the corporal was at work upon, during the
+course of their campaign, my uncle _Toby_ always took care, on the
+inside of his sentry-box, which was towards his left hand, to have a
+plan of the place, fasten'd up with two or three pins at the top, but
+loose at the bottom, for the conveniency of holding it up to the eye,
+&c. . . . as occasions required; so that when an attack was resolved
+upon, Mrs. _Wadman_ had nothing more to do, when she had got advanced to
+the door of the sentry-box, but to extend her right hand; and edging in
+her left foot at the same movement, to take hold of the map or plan, or
+upright, or whatever it was, and with out-stretched neck meeting it half
+way, --to advance it towards her; on which my uncle _Toby's_ passions
+were sure to catch fire----for he would instantly take hold of the other
+corner of the map in his left hand, and with the end of his pipe in the
+other, begin an explanation.
+
+When the attack was advanced to this point; ----the world will naturally
+enter into the reasons of Mrs. _Wadman's_ next stroke of
+generalship----which was, to take my uncle _Toby's_ tobacco-pipe out of
+his hand as soon as she possibly could; which, under one pretence or
+other, but generally that of pointing more distinctly at some redoubt or
+breastwork in the map, she would effect before my uncle _Toby_ (poor
+soul!) had well march'd above half a dozen toises with it.
+
+--It obliged my uncle _Toby_ to make use of his forefinger.
+
+The difference it made in the attack was this; That in going upon it, as
+in the first case, with the end of her forefinger against the end of my
+uncle _Toby's_ tobacco-pipe, she might have travelled with it, along the
+lines, from _Dan_ to _Beersheba_, had my uncle _Toby's_ lines reach'd so
+far, without any effect: For as there was no arterial or vital heat in
+the end of the tobacco-pipe, it could excite no sentiment----it could
+neither give fire by pulsation----or receive it by sympathy----'twas
+nothing but smoke.
+
+Whereas, in following my uncle _Toby's_ forefinger with hers, close
+thro' all the little turns and indentings of his works--pressing
+sometimes against the side of it----then treading upon its nail----then
+tripping it up----then touching it here----then there, and so on----it
+set something at least in motion.
+
+This, tho' slight skirmishing, and at a distance from the main body, yet
+drew on the rest; for here, the map usually falling with the back of it,
+close to the side of the sentry-box, my uncle _Toby_, in the simplicity
+of his soul, would lay his hand flat upon it, in order to go on with his
+explanation; and Mrs. _Wadman_, by a manoeuvre as quick as thought, would
+as certainly place her's close beside it; this at once opened a
+communication, large enough for any sentiment to pass or repass, which a
+person skill'd in the elementary and practical part of love-making, has
+occasion for----
+
+By bringing up her forefinger parallel (as before) to my uncle
+_Toby's_----it unavoidably brought the thumb into action----and the
+forefinger and thumb being once engaged, as naturally brought in the
+whole hand. Thine, dear uncle _Toby!_ was never now in its right
+place ----Mrs. _Wadman_ had it ever to take up, or, with the gentlest
+pushings, protrusions, and equivocal compressions, that a hand to be
+removed is capable of receiving----to get it press'd a hair breadth of
+one side out of her way.
+
+Whilst this was doing, how could she forget to make him sensible, that
+it was her leg (and no one's else) at the bottom of the sentry-box,
+which slightly press'd against the calf of his ----So that my uncle
+_Toby_ being thus attacked and sore push'd on both his wings----was it a
+wonder, if now and then, it put his centre into disorder?----
+
+----The duce take it! said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+These attacks of Mrs. _Wadman_, you will readily conceive to be of
+different kinds; varying from each other, like the attacks which history
+is full of, and from the same reasons. A general looker-on would scarce
+allow them to be attacks at all----or if he did, would confound them all
+together----but I write not to them: it will be time enough to be a
+little more exact in my descriptions of them, as I come up to them,
+which will not be for some chapters; having nothing more to add in this,
+but that in a bundle of original papers and drawings which my father
+took care to roll up by themselves, there is a plan of _Bouchain_ in
+perfect preservation (and shall be kept so, whilst I have power to
+preserve anything), upon the lower corner of which, on the right hand
+side, there is still remaining the marks of a snuffy finger and thumb,
+which there is all the reason in the world to imagine, were Mrs.
+_Wadman's_; for the opposite side of the margin, which I suppose to have
+been my uncle _Toby's_, is absolutely clean: This seems an authenticated
+record of one of these attacks; for there are vestigia of the two
+punctures partly grown up, but still visible on the opposite corner of
+the map, which are unquestionably the very holes, through which it has
+been pricked up in the sentry-box----
+
+By all that is priestly! I value this precious relick, with its
+_stigmata_ and _pricks_, more than all the relicks of the _Romish_
+church----always excepting, when I am writing upon these matters, the
+pricks which entered the flesh of St. _Radagunda_ in the desert, which
+in your road from FESSE to CLUNY, the nuns of that name will shew you
+for love.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+I think, an' please your honour, quoth _Trim_, the fortifications are
+quite destroyed----and the bason is upon a level with the mole ----I
+think so too; replied my uncle _Toby_ with a sigh half suppress'd----but
+step into the parlour, _Trim_, for the stipulation----it lies upon the
+table.
+
+It has lain there these six weeks, replied the corporal, till this very
+morning that the old woman kindled the fire with it--
+
+----Then, said my uncle _Toby_, there is no further occasion for our
+services. The more, an' please your honour, the pity, said the corporal;
+in uttering which he cast his spade into the wheel-barrow, which was
+beside him, with an air the most expressive of disconsolation that can
+be imagined, and was heavily turning about to look for his pickax, his
+pioneer's shovel, his picquets, and other little military stores, in
+order to carry them off the field----when a heigh-ho! from the
+sentry-box, which being made of thin slit deal, reverberated the sound
+more sorrowfully to his ear, forbad him.
+
+----No; said the corporal to himself, I'll do it before his honour rises
+to-morrow morning; so taking his spade out of the wheel-barrow again,
+with a little earth in it, as if to level something at the foot of the
+glacis----but with a real intent to approach nearer to his master, in
+order to divert him----he loosen'd a sod or two----pared their edges
+with his spade, and having given them a gentle blow or two with the back
+of it, he sat himself down close by my uncle _Toby's_ feet, and began as
+follows.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+It was a thousand pities----though I believe, an' please your honour,
+I am going to say but a foolish kind of a thing for a soldier----
+
+A soldier, cried my uncle _Toby_, interrupting the corporal, is no more
+exempt from saying a foolish thing, _Trim_, than a man of letters ----But
+not so often, an' please your honour, replied the corporal ----My uncle
+_Toby_ gave a nod.
+
+It was a thousand pities then, said the corporal, casting his eye upon
+_Dunkirk_, and the mole, as _Servius Sulpicius_, in returning out of
+_Asia_ (when he sailed from _Ćgina_ towards _Megara_), did upon
+_Corinth_ and _Pyreus_----
+
+--"It was a thousand pities, an' please your honour, to destroy these
+works----and a thousand pities to have let them stood."----
+
+----Thou art right, _Trim_, in both cases; said my uncle _Toby_.
+----This, continued the corporal, is the reason, that from the beginning
+of their demolition to the end ----I have never once whistled, or sung,
+or laugh'd, or cry'd, or talk'd of past done deeds, or told your honour
+one story good or bad----
+
+----Thou hast many excellencies, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, and I
+hold it not the least of them, as thou happenest to be a story-teller,
+that of the number thou hast told me, either to amuse me in my painful
+hours, or divert me in my grave ones--thou hast seldom told me a bad
+one----
+
+----Because, an' please your honour, except one of a _King of Bohemia
+and his seven castles_, --they are all true; for they are about
+myself----
+
+I do not like the subject the worse, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, on
+that score: But prithee what is this story? thou hast excited my
+curiosity.
+
+I'll tell it your honour, quoth the corporal, directly --Provided, said
+my uncle _Toby_, looking earnestly towards _Dunkirk_ and the mole
+again----provided it is not a merry one; to such, _Trim_, a man should
+ever bring one half of the entertainment along with him; and the
+disposition I am in at present would wrong both thee, _Trim_, and thy
+story ----It is not a merry one by any means, replied the corporal --Nor
+would I have it altogether a grave one, added my uncle _Toby_ ----It is
+neither the one nor the other, replied the corporal, but will suit your
+honour exactly ----Then I'll thank thee for it with all my heart, cried
+my uncle _Toby_; so prithee begin it, _Trim_.
+
+The corporal made his reverence; and though it is not so easy a matter
+as the world imagines, to pull off a lank _Montero_-cap with grace----or
+a whit less difficult, in my conceptions, when a man is sitting squat
+upon the ground, to make a bow so teeming with respect as the corporal
+was wont; yet by suffering the palm of his right hand, which was towards
+his master, to slip backwards upon the grass, a little beyond his body,
+in order to allow it the greater sweep----and by an unforced
+compression, at the same time, of his cap with the thumb and the two
+forefingers of his left, by which the diameter of the cap became
+reduced, so that it might be said, rather to be insensibly
+squeez'd--than pull'd off with a flatus----the corporal acquitted
+himself of both in a better manner than the posture of his affairs
+promised; and having hemmed twice, to find in what key his story would
+best go, and best suit his master's humour, --he exchanged a single look
+of kindness with him, and set off thus.
+
+
+THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES
+
+There was a certain king of Bo - - he------
+
+As the corporal was entering the confines of _Bohemia_, my uncle _Toby_
+obliged him to halt for a single moment; he had set out bare-headed,
+having, since he pull'd off his _Montero_-cap in the latter end of the
+last chapter, left it lying beside him on the ground.
+
+----The eye of Goodness espieth all things----so that before the
+corporal had well got through the first five words of his story, had my
+uncle _Toby_ twice touch'd his _Montero_-cap with the end of his cane,
+interrogatively----as much as to say, Why don't you put it on, _Trim?_
+_Trim_ took it up with the most respectful slowness, and casting a
+glance of humiliation as he did it, upon the embroidery of the
+fore-part, which being dismally tarnish'd and fray'd moreover in some of
+the principal leaves and boldest parts of the pattern, he lay'd it down
+again between his two feet, in order to moralise upon the subject.
+
+----'Tis every word of it but too true, cried my uncle _Toby_, that thou
+art about to observe----
+
+"_Nothing in this world, Trim, is made to last for ever._"
+
+----But when tokens, dear _Tom_, of thy love and remembrance wear out,
+said _Trim_, what shall we say?
+
+There is no occasion, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, to say anything
+else; and was a man to puzzle his brains till Doom's day, I believe,
+_Trim_, it would be impossible.
+
+The corporal, perceiving my uncle _Toby_ was in the right, and that it
+would be in vain for the wit of man to think of extracting a purer moral
+from his cap, without further attempting it, he put it on; and passing
+his hand across his forehead to rub out a pensive wrinkle, which the
+text and the doctrine between them had engender'd, he return'd, with the
+same look and tone of voice, to his story of the king of _Bohemia_ and
+his seven castles.
+
+
+THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
+
+There was a certain king of _Bohemia_, but in whose reign, except his
+own, I am not able to inform your honour----
+
+I do not desire it of thee, _Trim_, by any means, cried my uncle _Toby_.
+
+----It was a little before the time, an' please your honour, when giants
+were beginning to leave off breeding: --but in what year of our Lord
+that was----
+
+I would not give a halfpenny to know, said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+----Only, an' please your honour, it makes a story look the better in
+the face----
+
+----'Tis thy own, _Trim_, so ornament it after thy own fashion; and take
+any date, continued my uncle _Toby_, looking pleasantly upon him--take
+any date in the whole world thou chusest, and put it to--thou art
+heartily welcome----
+
+The corporal bowed; for of every century, and of every year of that
+century, from the first creation of the world down to _Noah's_ flood;
+and from _Noah's_ flood to the birth of _Abraham_; through all the
+pilgrimages of the patriarchs, to the departure of the _Israelites_ out
+of _Egypt_----and throughout all the Dynasties, Olympiads, Urbeconditas,
+and other memorable epochas of the different nations of the world, down
+to the coming of Christ, and from thence to the very moment in which the
+corporal was telling his story----had my uncle _Toby_ subjected this
+vast empire of time and all its abysses at his feet; but as MODESTY
+scarce touches with a finger what LIBERALITY offers her with both hands
+open--the corporal contented himself with the very _worst year_ of the
+whole bunch; which, to prevent your honours of the Majority and
+Minority from tearing the very flesh off your bones in contestation,
+'Whether that year is not always the last cast-year of the last
+cast-almanack' ----I tell you plainly it was; but from a different
+reason than you wot of----
+
+----It was the year next him----which being, the year of our Lord
+seventeen hundred and twelve, when the Duke of _Ormond_ was playing the
+devil in _Flanders_----the corporal took it, and set out with it afresh
+on his expedition to _Bohemia_.
+
+
+THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
+
+In the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and twelve, there
+was, an' please your honour----
+
+----To tell thee truly, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, any other date
+would have pleased me much better, not only on account of the sad stain
+upon our history that year, in marching off our troops, and refusing to
+cover the siege of _Quesnoi_, though _Fagel_ was carrying on the works
+with such incredible vigour--but likewise on the score, _Trim_, of thy
+own story; because if there are--and which, from what thou hast dropt,
+I partly suspect to be the fact--if there are giants in it----
+
+There is but one, an' please your honour----
+
+----'Tis as bad as twenty, replied my uncle _Toby_----thou should'st
+have carried him back some seven or eight hundred years out of harm's
+way, both of critics and other people: and therefore I would advise
+thee, if ever thou tellest it again----
+
+----If I live, an' please your honour, but once to get through it,
+I will never tell it again, quoth _Trim_, either to man, woman, or
+child ----Poo--poo! said my uncle _Toby_--but with accents of such sweet
+encouragement did he utter it, that the corporal went on with his story
+with more alacrity than ever.
+
+
+THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
+
+There was, an' please your honour, said the corporal, raising his voice
+and rubbing the palms of his two hands cheerily together as he begun,
+a certain king of _Bohemia_----
+
+----Leave out the date entirely, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, leaning
+forwards, and laying his hand gently upon the corporal's shoulder to
+temper the interruption--leave it out entirely, _Trim_; a story passes
+very well without these niceties, unless one is pretty sure of
+'em ----Sure of 'em! said the corporal, shaking his head----
+
+Right; answered my uncle _Toby_, it is not easy, _Trim_, for one, bred
+up as thou and I have been to arms, who seldom looks further forward
+than to the end of his musket, or backwards beyond his knapsack, to know
+much about this matter ----God bless your honour! said the corporal, won
+by the _manner_ of my uncle _Toby's_ reasoning, as much as by the
+reasoning itself, he has something else to do; if not on action, or a
+march, or upon duty in his garrison--he has his firelock, an' please
+your honour, to furbish--his accoutrements to take care of--his
+regimentals to mend--himself to shave and keep clean, so as to appear
+always like what he is upon the parade; what business, added the
+corporal triumphantly, has a soldier, an' please your honour, to know
+anything at all of _geography?_
+
+----Thou would'st have said _chronology_, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_;
+for as for geography, 'tis of absolute use to him; he must be acquainted
+intimately with every country and its boundaries where his profession
+carries him; he should know every town and city, and village and hamlet,
+with the canals, the roads, and hollow ways which lead up to them; there
+is not a river or a rivulet he passes, _Trim_, but he should be able at
+first sight to tell thee what is its name--in what mountains it takes
+its rise--what is its course--how far it is navigable--where
+fordable--where not; he should know the fertility of every valley, as
+well as the hind who ploughs it; and be able to describe, or, if it is
+required, to give thee an exact map of all the plains and defiles, the
+forts, the acclivities, the woods and morasses, thro' and by which his
+army is to march; he should know their produce, their plants, their
+minerals, their waters, their animals, their seasons, their climates,
+their heats and cold, their inhabitants, their customs, their language,
+their policy, and even their religion.
+
+Is it else to be conceived, corporal, continued my uncle _Toby_, rising
+up in his sentry-box, as he began to warm in this part of his
+discourse--how _Marlborough_ could have marched his army from the banks
+of the _Maes_ to _Belburg_; from _Belburg_ to _Kerpenord_--(here the
+corporal could sit no longer) from _Kerpenord_, _Trim_, to _Kalsaken_;
+from _Kalsaken_ to _Newdorf_; from _Newdorf_ to _Landenbourg_; from
+_Landenbourg_ to _Mildenheim_; from _Mildenheim_ to _Elchingen_; from
+_Elchingen_ to _Gingen_; from _Gingen_ to _Balmerchoffen_; from
+_Balmerchoffen_ to _Skellenburg_, where he broke in upon the enemy's
+works; forced his passage over the _Danube_; cross'd the _Lech_--push'd
+on his troops into the heart of the empire, marching at the head of them
+through _Fribourg_, _Hokenwert_, and _Schonevelt_, to the plains of
+_Blenheim_ and _Hochstet?_ ----Great as he was, corporal, he could not
+have advanced a step, or made one single day's march without the aids of
+_Geography_. ----As for _Chronology_, I own, _Trim_, continued my uncle
+_Toby_, sitting down again coolly in his sentry-box, that of all others,
+it seems a science which the soldier might best spare, was it not for
+the lights which that science must one day give him, in determining the
+invention of powder; the furious execution of which, renversing
+everything like thunder before it, has become a new ćra to us of
+military improvements, changing so totally the nature of attacks and
+defences both by sea and land, and awakening so much art and skill in
+doing it, that the world cannot be too exact in ascertaining the precise
+time of its discovery, or too inquisitive in knowing what great man was
+the discoverer, and what occasions gave birth to it.
+
+I am far from controverting, continued my uncle _Toby_, what historians
+agree in, that in the year of our Lord 1380, under the reign of
+_Wencelaus_, son of _Charles_ the Fourth----a certain priest, whose name
+was _Schwartz_, show'd the use of powder to the _Venetians_, in their
+wars against the _Genoese_; but 'tis certain he was not the first;
+because if we are to believe Don _Pedro_, the bishop of _Leon_ --How came
+priests and bishops, an' please your honour, to trouble their heads so
+much about gunpowder? God knows, said my uncle _Toby_----his providence
+brings good out of everything--and he avers, in his chronicle of King
+_Alphonsus_, who reduced _Toledo_, That in the year 1343, which was full
+thirty-seven years before that time, the secret of powder was well
+known, and employed with success, both by Moors and Christians, not only
+in their sea-combats, at that period, but in many of their most
+memorable sieges in _Spain_ and _Barbary_ --And all the world knows, that
+Friar _Bacon_ had wrote expressly about it, and had generously given the
+world a receipt to make it by, above a hundred and fifty years before
+even _Schwartz_ was born --And that the _Chinese_, added my uncle _Toby_,
+embarrass us, and all accounts of it, still more, by boasting of the
+invention some hundreds of years even before him----
+
+--They are a pack of liars, I believe, cried _Trim_----
+
+----They are somehow or other deceived, said my uncle _Toby_, in this
+matter, as is plain to me from the present miserable state of military
+architecture amongst them; which consists of nothing more than a fossé
+with a brick wall without flanks--and for what they gave us as a bastion
+at each angle of it, 'tis so barbarously constructed, that it looks for
+all the world ------------Like one of my seven castles, an' please your
+honour, quoth _Trim_.
+
+My uncle _Toby_, tho' in the utmost distress for a comparison, most
+courteously refused _Trim's_ offer--till _Trim_ telling him, he had half
+a dozen more in _Bohemia_, which he knew not how to get off his
+hands----my uncle _Toby_ was so touch'd with the pleasantry of heart of
+the corporal----that he discontinued his dissertation upon
+gunpowder----and begged the corporal forthwith to go on with his story
+of the King of _Bohemia_ and his seven castles.
+
+
+THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
+
+This _unfortunate_ King of _Bohemia_, said _Trim_, ----Was he
+unfortunate, then? cried my uncle _Toby_, for he had been so wrapt up in
+his dissertation upon gunpowder, and other military affairs, that tho'
+he had desired the corporal to go on, yet the many interruptions he had
+given, dwelt not so strong upon his fancy as to account for the
+epithet ----Was he _unfortunate_, then, _Trim?_ said my uncle _Toby_,
+pathetically ----The corporal, wishing first the _word_ and all its
+synonimas at the devil, forthwith began to run back in his mind, the
+principal events in the King of _Bohemia's_ story; from every one of
+which, it appearing that he was the most fortunate man that ever existed
+in the world----it put the corporal to a stand: for not caring to
+retract his epithet----and less to explain it----and least of all, to
+twist his tale (like men of lore) to serve a system----he looked up in
+my uncle _Toby's_ face for assistance----but seeing it was the very
+thing my uncle _Toby_ sat in expectation of himself----after a hum and a
+haw, he went on------
+
+The King of _Bohemia_, an' please your honour, replied the corporal, was
+_unfortunate_, as thus ----That taking great pleasure and delight in
+navigation and all sort of sea affairs----and there _happening_
+throughout the whole kingdom of _Bohemia_, to be no seaport town
+whatever----
+
+How the duce should there--_Trim?_ cried my uncle _Toby_; for _Bohemia_
+being totally inland, it could have happen'd no otherwise ----It might,
+said _Trim_, if it had pleased God----
+
+My uncle _Toby_ never spoke of the being and natural attributes of God,
+but with diffidence and hesitation----
+
+----I believe not, replied my uncle _Toby_, after some pause----for
+being inland, as I said, and having _Silesia_ and _Moravia_ to the east;
+_Lusatia_ and _Upper Saxony_ to the north; _Franconia_ to the west;
+_Bavaria_ to the south; _Bohemia_ could not have been propell'd to the
+sea without ceasing to be _Bohemia_----nor could the sea, on the other
+hand, have come up to _Bohemia_, without overflowing a great part of
+_Germany_, and destroying millions of unfortunate inhabitants who could
+make no defence against it ----Scandalous! cried _Trim_ --Which would
+bespeak, added my uncle _Toby_, mildly, such a want of compassion in him
+who is the father of it----that, I think, _Trim_----the thing could have
+happen'd no way.
+
+The corporal made the bow of unfeigned conviction; and went on.
+
+Now the King of _Bohemia_ with his queen and courtiers _happening_ one
+fine summer's evening to walk out ----Aye! there the word _happening_ is
+right, _Trim_, cried my uncle _Toby_; for the King of _Bohemia_ and his
+queen might have walk'd out or let it alone: ----'twas a matter of
+contingency, which might happen, or not, just as chance ordered it.
+
+King _William_ was of an opinion, an' please your honour, quoth _Trim_,
+that everything was predestined for us in this world; insomuch, that he
+would often say to his soldiers, that "every ball had its billet." He
+was a great man, said my uncle _Toby_ ----And I believe, continued
+_Trim_, to this day, that the shot which disabled me at the battle of
+_Landen_, was pointed at my knee for no other purpose, but to take me
+out of his service, and place me in your honour's, where I should be
+taken so much better care of in my old age ----It shall never, _Trim_,
+be construed otherwise, said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+The heart, both of the master and the man, were alike subject to sudden
+overflowings; ----a short silence ensued.
+
+Besides, said the corporal, resuming the discourse--but in a gayer
+accent----if it had not been for that single shot, I had never, an'
+please your honour, been in love------
+
+So, thou wast once in love, _Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_, smiling----
+
+Souse! replied the corporal--over head and ears! an' please your honour.
+Prithee when? where? --and how came it to pass? ----I never heard one
+word of it before; quoth my uncle _Toby_: ----I dare say, answered
+_Trim_, that every drummer and serjeant's son in the regiment knew of
+it ----It's high time I should----said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+Your honour remembers with concern, said the corporal, the total rout
+and confusion of our camp and army at the affair of _Landen_; every one
+was left to shift for himself; and if it had not been for the regiments
+of _Wyndham_, _Lumley_, and _Galway_, which covered the retreat over the
+bridge of _Neerspeeken_, the king himself could scarce have gained
+it----he was press'd hard, as your honour knows, on every side of
+him----
+
+Gallant mortal! cried my uncle _Toby_, caught up with enthusiasm--this
+moment, now that all is lost, I see him galloping across me, corporal,
+to the left, to bring up the remains of the English horse along with him
+to support the right, and tear the laurel from _Luxembourg's_ brows, if
+yet 'tis possible ----I see him with the knot of his scarfe just shot
+off, infusing fresh spirits into poor _Galway's_ regiment--riding along
+the line--then wheeling about, and charging _Conti_ at the head of
+it ----Brave! brave, by heaven! cried my uncle _Toby_--he deserves a
+crown ----As richly, as a thief a halter; shouted _Trim_.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ knew the corporal's loyalty; --otherwise the comparison
+was not at all to his mind----it did not altogether strike the
+corporal's fancy when he had made it----but it could not be
+recall'd----so he had nothing to do, but proceed.
+
+As the number of wounded was prodigious, and no one had time to think of
+anything but his own safety --Though _Talmash_, said my uncle _Toby_,
+brought off the foot with great prudence ----But I was left upon the
+field, said the corporal. Thou wast so; poor fellow! replied my uncle
+_Toby_ ----So that it was noon the next day, continued the corporal,
+before I was exchanged, and put into a cart with thirteen or fourteen
+more, in order to be convey'd to our hospital.
+
+There is no part of the body, an' please your honour, where a wound
+occasions more intolerable anguish than upon the knee----
+
+Except the groin; said my uncle _Toby_. An' please your honour, replied
+the corporal, the knee, in my opinion, must certainly be the most acute,
+there being so many tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems all about it.
+
+It is for that reason, quoth my uncle _Toby_, that the groin is
+infinitely more sensible----there being not only as many tendons and
+what-d'ye-call-'ems (for I know their names as little as thou
+dost)----about it----but moreover * * *----
+
+Mrs. _Wadman_, who had been all the time in her arbour--instantly
+stopp'd her breath--unpinn'd her mob at the chin, and stood up upon one
+leg----
+
+The dispute was maintained with amicable and equal force betwixt my
+uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_ for some time; till _Trim_ at length
+recollecting that he had often cried at his master's sufferings, but
+never shed a tear at his own--was for giving up the point, which my
+uncle _Toby_ would not allow----'Tis a proof of nothing, _Trim_, said
+he, but the generosity of thy temper----
+
+So that whether the pain of a wound in the groin (cćteris paribus) is
+greater than the pain of a wound in the knee----or
+
+Whether the pain of a wound in the knee is not greater than the pain of
+a wound in the groin----are points which to this day remain unsettled.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+The anguish of my knee, continued the corporal, was excessive in itself;
+and the uneasiness of the cart, with the roughness of the roads, which
+were terribly cut up--making bad still worse--every step was death to
+me: so that with the loss of blood, and the want of care-taking of me,
+and a fever I felt coming on besides----(Poor soul! said my uncle
+_Toby_)----all together, an' please your honour, was more than I could
+sustain.
+
+I was telling my sufferings to a young woman at a peasant's house, where
+our cart, which was the last of the line, had halted; they had help'd me
+in, and the young woman had taken a cordial out of her pocket and
+dropp'd it upon some sugar, and seeing it had cheer'd me, she had given
+it me a second and a third time ----So I was telling her, an' please your
+honour, the anguish I was in, and was saying it was so intolerable to
+me, that I had much rather lie down upon the bed, turning my face
+towards one which was in the corner of the room--and die, than go
+on----when, upon her attempting to lead me to it, I fainted away in her
+arms. She was a good soul! as your honour, said the corporal, wiping his
+eyes, will hear.
+
+I thought _love_ had been a joyous thing, quoth my uncle _Toby_.
+
+'Tis the most serious thing, an' please your honour (sometimes), that is
+in the world.
+
+By the persuasion of the young woman, continued the corporal, the cart
+with the wounded men set off without me: she had assured them I should
+expire immediately if I was put into the cart. So when I came to
+myself ----I found myself in a still quiet cottage, with no one but the
+young woman, and the peasant and his wife. I was laid across the bed in
+the corner of the room, with my wounded leg upon a chair, and the young
+woman beside me, holding the corner of her handkerchief dipp'd in
+vinegar to my nose with one hand, and rubbing my temples with the other.
+
+I took her at first for the daughter of the peasant (for it was no
+inn)--so had offer'd her a little purse with eighteen florins, which my
+poor brother _Tom_ (here _Trim_ wip'd his eyes) had sent me as a token,
+by a recruit, just before he set out for _Lisbon_.----
+
+----I never told your honour that piteous story yet----here _Trim_ wiped
+his eyes a third time.
+
+The young woman call'd the old man and his wife into the room, to show
+them the money, in order to gain me credit for a bed and what little
+necessaries I should want, till I should be in a condition to be got to
+the hospital ----Come then! said she, tying up the little purse --I'll
+be your banker--but as that office alone will not keep me employ'd, I'll
+be your nurse too.
+
+I thought by her manner of speaking this, as well as by her dress, which
+I then began to consider more attentively----that the young woman could
+not be the daughter of the peasant.
+
+She was in black down to her toes, with her hair conceal'd under a
+cambric border, laid close to her forehead: she was one of those kind of
+nuns, an' please your honour, of which, your honour knows, there are a
+good many in _Flanders_, which they let go loose ----By thy description,
+_Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, I dare say she was a young _Beguine_, of
+which there are none to be found anywhere but in the _Spanish
+Netherlands_--except at _Amsterdam_----they differ from nuns in this,
+that they can quit their cloister if they choose to marry; they visit
+and take care of the sick by profession ----I had rather, for my own
+part, they did it out of good-nature.
+
+----She often told me, quoth _Trim_, she did it for the love of
+Christ --I did not like it. ----I believe, _Trim_, we are both wrong,
+said my uncle _Toby_--we'll ask Mr. _Yorick_ about it to-night at my
+brother _Shandy's_----so put me in mind; added my uncle _Toby_.
+
+The young _Beguine_, continued the corporal, had scarce given herself
+time to tell me "she would be my nurse," when she hastily turned about
+to begin the office of one, and prepare something for me----and in a
+short time--though I thought it a long one--she came back with flannels,
+&c. &c., and having fomented my knee soundly for a couple of hours, &c.,
+and made me a thin bason of gruel for my supper--she wish'd me rest, and
+promised to be with me early in the morning. ----She wished me, an'
+please your honour, what was not to be had. My fever ran very high that
+night--her figure made sad disturbance within me --I was every moment
+cutting the world in two--to give her half of it--and every moment was I
+crying, That I had nothing but a knapsack and eighteen florins to share
+with her ----The whole night long was the fair _Beguine_, like an angel,
+close by my bedside, holding back the curtain and offering me
+cordials--and I was only awakened from my dream by her coming there at
+the hour promised, and giving them in reality. In truth, she was scarce
+ever from me; and so accustomed was I to receive life from her hands,
+that my heart sickened, and I lost colour when she left the room: and
+yet, continued the corporal (making one of the strangest reflections
+upon it in the world)----
+
+----"_It was not love_"----for during the three weeks she was almost
+constantly with me, fomenting my knee with her hand, night and day --I
+can honestly say, an' please your honour--that  *    *    *    *   *
+   *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *  once.
+
+That was very odd, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_.
+
+I think so too--said Mrs. _Wadman_.
+
+It never did, said the corporal.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+----But 'tis no marvel, continued the corporal--seeing my uncle _Toby_
+musing upon it--for Love, an' please your honour, is exactly like war,
+in this; that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete o'
+_Saturday_ night, --may nevertheless be shot through his heart on
+_Sunday_ morning----_It happened so here_, an' please your honour, with
+this difference only--that it was on _Sunday_ in the afternoon, when I
+fell in love all at once with a sisserara ----It burst upon me, an'
+please your honour, like a bomb----scarce giving me time to say, "God
+bless me."
+
+I thought, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, a man never fell in love so
+very suddenly.
+
+Yes, an' please your honour, if he is in the way of it----replied
+_Trim_.
+
+I prithee, quoth my uncle _Toby_, inform me how this matter happened.
+
+----With all pleasure, said the corporal, making a bow.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+I had escaped, continued the corporal, all that time from falling in
+love, and had gone on to the end of the chapter, had it not been
+predestined otherwise----there is no resisting our fate.
+
+It was on a _Sunday_, in the afternoon, as I told your honour.
+
+The old man and his wife had walked out----
+
+Everything was still and hush as midnight about the house----
+
+There was not so much as a duck or a duckling about the yard----
+
+----When the fair _Beguine_ came in to see me.
+
+My wound was then in a fair way of doing well----the inflammation had
+been gone off for some time, but it was succeeded with an itching both
+above and below my knee, so insufferable, that I had not shut my eyes
+the whole night for it.
+
+Let me see it, said she, kneeling down upon the ground parallel to my
+knee, and laying her hand upon the part below it----it only wants
+rubbing a little, said the _Beguine_; so covering it with the
+bed-clothes, she began with the forefinger of her right hand to rub
+under my knee, guiding her forefinger backwards and forwards by the edge
+of the _flannel_ which kept on the dressing.
+
+In five or six minutes I felt slightly the end of her second finger--and
+presently it was laid flat with the other, and she continued rubbing in
+that way round and round for a good while; it then came into my head,
+that I should fall in love --I blush'd when I saw how white a hand she
+had --I shall never, an' please your honour, behold another hand so
+white whilst I live----
+
+----Not in that place; said my uncle _Toby_----
+
+Though it was the most serious despair in nature to the corporal--he
+could not forbear smiling.
+
+The young _Beguine_, continued the corporal, perceiving it was of great
+service to me--from rubbing for some time, with two fingers--proceeded
+to rub at length, with three--till by little and little she brought down
+the fourth, and then rubb'd with her whole hand: I will never say
+another word, an' please your honour, upon hands again--but it was
+softer than sattin--
+
+----Prithee, _Trim_, commend it as much as thou wilt, said my uncle
+_Toby_; I shall hear thy story with the more delight ----The corporal
+thank'd his master most unfeignedly; but having nothing to say upon the
+_Beguine's_ hand but the same over again----he proceeded to the effects
+of it.
+
+The fair _Beguine_, said the corporal, continued rubbing with her whole
+hand under my knee--till I fear'd her zeal would weary her---- "I would
+do a thousand times more," said she, "for the love of Christ" ----In
+saying which, she pass'd her hand across the flannel, to the part above
+my knee, which I had equally complain'd of, and rubb'd it also.
+
+I perceived, then, I was beginning to be in love----
+
+As she continued rub-rub-rubbing --I felt it spread from under her hand,
+an' please your honour, to every part of my frame.----
+
+The more she rubb'd, and the longer strokes she took----the more the
+fire kindled in my veins----till at length, by two or three strokes
+longer than the rest----my passion rose to the highest pitch ----I seiz'd
+her hand----
+
+----And then thou clapped'st it to thy lips, _Trim_, said my uncle
+_Toby_----and madest a speech.
+
+Whether the corporal's amour terminated precisely in the way my uncle
+_Toby_ described it, is not material; it is enough that it contained in
+it the essence of all the love romances which ever have been wrote since
+the beginning of the world.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+As soon as the corporal had finished the story of his amour--or rather
+my uncle _Toby_ for him --Mrs. _Wadman_ silently sallied forth from her
+arbour, replaced the pin in her mob, pass'd the wicker-gate, and
+advanced slowly towards my uncle _Toby's_ sentry-box: the disposition
+which _Trim_ had made in my uncle _Toby's_ mind, was too favourable a
+crisis to be let slipp'd----
+
+----The attack was determin'd upon: it was facilitated still more by my
+uncle _Toby's_ having ordered the corporal to wheel off the pioneer's
+shovel, the spade, the pick-axe, the picquets, and other military stores
+which lay scatter'd upon the ground where _Dunkirk_ stood--the corporal
+had march'd--the field was clear.
+
+Now, consider, sir, what nonsense it is, either in fighting, or writing,
+or anything else (whether in rhyme to it, or not) which a man has
+occasion to do--to act by plan: for if ever Plan, independent of all
+circumstances, deserved registering in letters of gold (I mean in the
+archives of _Gotham_)--it was certainly the PLAN of Mrs. _Wadman's_
+attack of my uncle _Toby_ in his sentry-box, BY PLAN ----Now the plan
+hanging up in it at this juncture, being the Plan of _Dunkirk_--and the
+tale of _Dunkirk_ a tale of relaxation, it opposed every impression she
+could make: and besides, could she have gone upon it--the manoeuvre of
+fingers and hands in the attack of the sentry-box, was so outdone by
+that of the fair _Beguine's_, in _Trim's_ story--that just then, that
+particular attack, however successful before--became the most heartless
+attack that could be made----
+
+O! let woman alone for this. Mrs. _Wadman_ had scarce open'd the
+wicket-gate, when her genius sported with the change of circumstances.
+
+----She formed a new attack in a moment.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+
+----I am half distracted, captain _Shandy_, said Mrs. _Wadman_, holding
+up her cambrick handkerchief to her left eye, as she approach'd the door
+of my uncle _Toby's_ sentry-box----a mote----or sand----or
+something ----I know not what, has got into this eye of mine----do look
+into it--it is not in the white--
+
+In saying which, Mrs. _Wadman_ edged herself close in beside my uncle
+_Toby_, and squeezing herself down upon the corner of his bench, she
+gave him an opportunity of doing it without rising up ----Do look into
+it--said she.
+
+Honest soul! thou didst look into it with as much innocency of heart, as
+ever child look'd into a raree-shew-box; and 'twere as much a sin to
+have hurt thee.
+
+----If a man will be peeping of his own accord into things of that
+nature ----I've nothing to say to it----
+
+My uncle _Toby_ never did: and I will answer for him, that he would have
+sat quietly upon a sofa from _June_ to _January_ (which, you know, takes
+in both the hot and cold months), with an eye as fine as the
+_Thracian_[8.4] _Rodope's_ beside him, without being able to tell,
+whether it was a black or blue one.
+
+The difficulty was to get my uncle _Toby_ to look at one at all.
+
+'Tis surmounted. And
+
+I see him yonder with his pipe pendulous in his hand, and the ashes
+falling out of it--looking--and looking--then rubbing his eyes--and
+looking again, with twice the good-nature that ever _Gallileo_ look'd
+for a spot in the sun.
+
+----In vain! for by all the powers which animate the organ ----Widow
+_Wadman's_ left eye shines this moment as lucid as her right----there is
+neither mote, or sand, or dust, or chaff, or speck, or particle of opake
+matter floating in it --There is nothing, my dear paternal uncle! but
+one lambent delicious fire, furtively shooting out from every part of
+it, in all directions, into thine----
+
+----If thou lookest, uncle _Toby_, in search of this mote one moment
+longer----thou art undone.
+
+    [Footnote 8.4: _Rodope Thracia_ tam inevitabili fascino
+    instructa, tam exactč oculus intuens attraxit, ut si in illam
+    quis incidisset, fieri non posset, quin caperetur. ----I know
+    not who.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+
+An eye is for all the world exactly like a cannon, in this respect; That
+it is not so much the eye or the cannon, in themselves, as it is the
+carriage of the eye----and the carriage of the cannon, by which both the
+one and the other are enabled to do so much execution. I don't think the
+comparison a bad one; However, as 'tis made and placed at the head of
+the chapter, as much for use as ornament, all I desire in return is,
+that whenever I speak of Mrs. _Wadman's_ eyes (except once in the next
+period), that you keep it in your fancy.
+
+I protest, Madam, said my uncle _Toby_, I can see nothing whatever in
+your eye.
+
+It is not in the white; said Mrs. _Wadman_: my uncle _Toby_ look'd with
+might and main into the pupil----
+
+Now of all the eyes which ever were created----from your own, Madam, up
+to those of _Venus_ herself, which certainly were as venereal a pair of
+eyes as ever stood in a head----there never was an eye of them all, so
+fitted to rob my uncle _Toby_ of his repose, as the very eye, at which
+he was looking----it was not, Madam, a rolling eye----a romping or a
+wanton one--nor was it an eye sparkling--petulant or imperious--of high
+claims and terrifying exactions, which would have curdled at once that
+milk of human nature, of which my uncle _Toby_ was made up----but 'twas
+an eye full of gentle salutations----and soft responses----speaking----
+not like the trumpet stop of some ill-made organ, in which many an eye
+I talk to, holds coarse converse----but whispering soft----like the
+last low accent of an expiring saint---- "How can you live comfortless,
+captain _Shandy_, and alone, without a bosom to lean your head on----or
+trust your cares to?"
+
+It was an eye----
+
+But I shall be in love with it myself, if I say another word about it.
+
+----It did my uncle _Toby's_ business.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+
+There is nothing shews the character of my father and my uncle _Toby_,
+in a more entertaining light, than their different manner of deportment,
+under the same accident----for I call not love a misfortune, from a
+persuasion, that a man's heart is ever the better for it ----Great God!
+what must my uncle _Toby's_ have been, when 'twas all benignity without
+it.
+
+My father, as appears from many of his papers, was very subject to this
+passion, before he married----but from a little subacid kind of drollish
+impatience in his nature, whenever it befell him, he would never submit
+to it like a christian; but would pish, and huff, and bounce, and kick,
+and play the Devil, and write the bitterest Philippicks against the eye
+that ever man wrote----there is one in verse upon somebody's eye or
+other, that for two or three nights together, had put him by his rest;
+which in his first transport of resentment against it, he begins thus:
+
+  "A Devil 'tis----and mischief such doth work
+  As never yet did _Pagan_, _Jew_, or _Turk_."[8.5]
+
+In short, during the whole paroxism, my father was all abuse and foul
+language, approaching rather towards malediction----only he did not do
+it with as much method as _Ernulphus_----he was too impetuous; nor with
+_Ernulphus's_ policy----for tho' my father, with the most intolerant
+spirit, would curse both this and that, and every thing under heaven,
+which was either aiding or abetting to his love----yet never concluded
+his chapter of curses upon it, without cursing himself in at the
+bargain, as one of the most egregious fools and coxcombs, he would say,
+that ever was let loose in the world.
+
+My uncle _Toby_, on the contrary, took it like a lamb----sat still and
+let the poison work in his veins without resistance----in the sharpest
+exacerbations of his wound (like that on his groin) he never dropt one
+fretful or discontented word----he blamed neither heaven nor earth----or
+thought or spoke an injurious thing of any body, or any part of it; he
+sat solitary and pensive with his pipe----looking at his lame
+leg----then whiffing out a sentimental heigh ho! which mixing with the
+smoke, incommoded no one mortal.
+
+He took it like a lamb ----I say.
+
+In truth he had mistook it at first; for having taken a ride with my
+father, that very morning, to save if possible a beautiful wood, which
+the dean and chapter were hewing down to give to the poor;[8.6] which
+said wood being in full view of my uncle _Toby's_ house, and of singular
+service to him in his description of the battle of _Wynnendale_--by
+trotting on too hastily to save it----upon an uneasy saddle----worse
+horse, &c. &c. . . it had so happened, that the serous part of the blood
+had got betwixt the two skins, in the nethermost part of my uncle
+_Toby_----the first shootings of which (as my uncle _Toby_ had no
+experience of love) he had taken for a part of the passion--till the
+blister breaking in the one case--and the other remaining--my uncle
+_Toby_ was presently convinced, that his wound was not a skin-deep
+wound----but that it had gone to his heart.
+
+    [Footnote 8.5: This will be printed with my father's Life of
+    _Socrates_, &c. &c.]
+
+    [Footnote 8.6: Mr. _Shandy_ must mean the poor _in spirit_;
+    inasmuch as they divided the money amongst themselves.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+
+The world is ashamed of being virtuous ----My uncle _Toby_ knew little
+of the world; and therefore when he felt he was in love with widow
+_Wadman_, he had no conception that the thing was any more to be made a
+mystery of, than if Mrs. _Wadman_ had given him a cut with a gap'd knife
+across his finger: Had it been otherwise----yet as he ever look'd upon
+_Trim_ as a humble friend; and saw fresh reasons every day of his life,
+to treat him as such----it would have made no variation in the manner in
+which he informed him of the affair.
+
+"I am in love, corporal!" quoth my uncle _Toby_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+
+In love! ----said the corporal--your honour was very well the day before
+yesterday, when I was telling your honour the story of the King of
+_Bohemia_--_Bohemia!_ said my uncle _Toby_ - - - - musing a long time
+- - - What became of that story, _Trim?_
+
+--We lost it, an' please your honour, somehow betwixt us--but your
+honour was as free from love then, as I am----'twas just whilst thou
+went'st off with the wheel-barrow----with Mrs. _Wadman_, quoth my uncle
+_Toby_ ----She has left a ball here--added my uncle _Toby_--pointing to
+his breast----
+
+----She can no more, an' please your honour, stand a siege, than she can
+fly--cried the corporal----
+
+----But as we are neighbours, _Trim_, --the best way I think is to let
+her know it civilly first--quoth my uncle _Toby_.
+
+Now if I might presume, said the corporal, to differ from your
+honour----
+
+--Why else do I talk to thee, _Trim?_ said my uncle _Toby_, mildly----
+
+--Then I would begin, an' please your honour, with making a good
+thundering attack upon her, in return--and telling her civilly
+afterwards--for if she knows anything of your honour's being in love,
+before hand ----L--d help her! --she knows no more at present of it,
+_Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_--than the child unborn------
+
+Precious souls!------
+
+Mrs. _Wadman_ had told it, with all its circumstances, to Mrs. _Bridget_
+twenty-four hours before; and was at that very moment sitting in council
+with her, touching some slight misgivings with regard to the issue of
+the affairs, which the Devil, who never lies dead in a ditch, had put
+into her head--before he would allow half time, to get quietly through
+her _Te Deum_.
+
+I am terribly afraid, said widow _Wadman_, in case I should marry him,
+_Bridget_--that the poor captain will not enjoy his health, with the
+monstrous wound upon his groin----
+
+It may not, Madam, be so very large, replied _Bridget_, as you
+think----and I believe, besides, added she--that 'tis dried up----
+
+----I could like to know--merely for his sake, said Mrs. _Wadman_----
+
+--We'll know the long and the broad of it, in ten days--answered Mrs.
+_Bridget_, for whilst the captain is paying his addresses to you --I'm
+confident Mr. _Trim_ will be for making love to me--and I'll let him as
+much as he will--added _Bridget_--to get it all out of him----
+
+The measures were taken at once----and my uncle _Toby_ and the corporal
+went on with theirs.
+
+Now, quoth the corporal, setting his left hand a-kimbo, and giving such
+a flourish with his right, as just promised success--and no more----if
+your honour will give me leave to lay down the plan of this attack----
+
+----Thou wilt please me by it, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_,
+exceedingly--and as I foresee thou must act in it as my _aid de camp_,
+here's a crown, corporal, to begin with, to steep thy commission.
+
+Then, an' please your honour, said the corporal (making a bow first for
+his commission)--we will begin with getting your honour's laced cloaths
+out of the great campaign-trunk, to be well air'd, and have the blue and
+gold taken up at the sleeves--and I'll put your white ramallie-wig fresh
+into pipes--and send for a taylor, to have your honour's thin scarlet
+breeches turn'd----
+
+--I had better take the red plush ones, quoth my uncle _Toby_ ----They
+will be too clumsy--said the corporal.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+
+----Thou wilt get a brush and a little chalk to my sword----'Twill be
+only in your honour's way, replied _Trim_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+
+----But your honour's two razors shall be new set--and I will get my
+_Montero_-cap furbish'd up, and put on poor lieutenant _Le Fever's_
+regimental coat, which your honour gave me to wear for his sake--and as
+soon as your honour is clean shaved--and has got your clean shirt on,
+with your blue and gold, or your fine scarlet----sometimes one and
+sometimes t'other--and everything is ready for the attack--we'll march
+up boldly, as if 'twas to the face of a bastion; and whilst your honour
+engages Mrs. _Wadman_ in the parlour, to the right ----I'll attack Mrs.
+_Bridget_ in the kitchen, to the left; and having seiz'd the pass, I'll
+answer for it, said the corporal, snapping his fingers over his
+head--that the day is our own.
+
+I wish I may but manage it right; said my uncle _Toby_--but I declare,
+corporal, I had rather march up to the very edge of a trench----
+
+--A woman is quite a different thing--said the corporal.
+
+--I suppose so, quoth my uncle _Toby_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+
+If anything in this world, which my father said, could have provoked my
+uncle _Toby_, during the time he was in love, it was the perverse use my
+father was always making of an expression of _Hilarion_ the hermit; who,
+in speaking of his abstinence, his watchings, flagellations, and other
+instrumental parts of his religion--would say--tho' with more
+facetiousness than became an hermit-- "That they were the means he used,
+to make his _ass_ (meaning his body) leave off kicking."
+
+It pleased my father well; it was not only a laconick way of
+expressing----but of libelling, at the same time, the desires and
+appetites of the lower part of us; so that for many years of my father's
+life, 'twas his constant mode of expression--he never used the word
+_passions_ once--but _ass_ always instead of them ----So that he might
+be said truly, to have been upon the bones, or the back of his own ass,
+or else of some other man's, during all that time.
+
+I must here observe to you the difference betwixt
+
+  My father's ass
+  and my hobby-horse--in order to keep characters as separate as may be,
+in our fancies as we go along.
+
+For my hobby-horse, if you recollect a little, is no way a vicious
+beast; he has scarce one hair or lineament of the ass about him----'Tis
+the sporting little filly-folly which carries you out for the present
+hour--a maggot, a butterfly, a picture, a fiddlestick--an uncle _Toby's_
+siege--or an _anything_, which a man makes a shift to get a-stride on,
+to canter it away from the cares and solicitudes of life--'Tis as useful
+a beast as is in the whole creation--nor do I really see how the world
+would do without it----
+
+----But for my father's ass------oh! mount him--mount him--mount
+him--(that's three times, is it not?)--mount him not: --'tis a beast
+concupiscent--and foul befal the man, who does not hinder him from
+kicking.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+
+Well! dear brother _Toby_, said my father, upon his first seeing him
+after he fell in love--and how goes it with your ASSE?
+
+Now my uncle _Toby_ thinking more of the _part_ where he had had the
+blister, than of _Hilarion's_ metaphor--and our preconceptions having
+(you know) as great a power over the sounds of words as the shapes of
+things, he had imagined, that my father, who was not very ceremonious in
+his choice of words, had enquired after the part by its proper name; so
+notwithstanding my mother, doctor _Slop_, and Mr. _Yorick_, were sitting
+in the parlour, he thought it rather civil to conform to the term my
+father had made use of than not. When a man is hemm'd in by two
+indecorums, and must commit one of 'em --I always observe--let him chuse
+which he will, the world will blame him--so I should not be astonished
+if it blames my uncle _Toby_.
+
+My A--e, quoth my uncle _Toby_, is much better--brother _Shandy_ --My
+father had formed great expectations from his Asse in this onset; and
+would have brought him on again; but doctor _Slop_ setting up an
+intemperate laugh--and my mother crying out L-- bless us! --it drove my
+father's Asse off the field--and the laugh then becoming general--there
+was no bringing him back to the charge, for some time----
+
+And so the discourse went on without him.
+
+Everybody, said my mother, says you are in love, brother _Toby_, --and
+we hope it is true.
+
+I am as much in love, sister, I believe, replied my uncle _Toby_, as any
+man usually is ----Humph! said my father----and when did you know it?
+quoth my mother----
+
+----When the blister broke; replied my uncle _Toby_.
+
+My uncle _Toby's_ reply put my father into good temper--so he charg'd o'
+foot.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+
+
+As the ancients agree, brother _Toby_, said my father, that there are
+two different and distinct kinds of _love_, according to the different
+parts which are affected by it--the Brain or Liver ----I think when a
+man is in love, it behoves him a little to consider which of the two he
+is fallen into.
+
+What signifies it, brother _Shandy_, replied my uncle _Toby_, which of
+the two it is, provided it will but make a man marry, and love his wife,
+and get a few children?
+
+----A few children! cried my father, rising out of his chair, and
+looking full in my mother's face, as he forced his way betwixt her's and
+doctor _Slop's_--a few children! cried my father, repeating my uncle
+_Toby's_ words as he walk'd to and fro----
+
+----Not, my dear brother _Toby_, cried my father, recovering himself all
+at once, and coming close up to the back of my uncle _Toby's_ chair--not
+that I should be sorry hadst thou a score--on the contrary, I should
+rejoice--and be as kind, _Toby_, to every one of them as a father--
+
+My uncle _Toby_ stole his hand unperceived behind his chair, to give my
+father's a squeeze----
+
+----Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping hold of my uncle _Toby's_
+hand--so much dost thou possess, my dear _Toby_, of the milk of human
+nature, and so little of its asperities--'tis piteous the world is not
+peopled by creatures which resemble thee; and was I an _Asiatic_
+monarch, added my father, heating himself with his new project --I would
+oblige thee, provided it would not impair thy strength--or dry up thy
+radical moisture too fast--or weaken thy memory or fancy, brother
+_Toby_, which these gymnics inordinately taken are apt to do--else, dear
+_Toby_, I would procure thee the most beautiful women in my empire, and
+I would oblige thee, _nolens, volens_, to beget for me one subject every
+_month_----
+
+As my father pronounced the last word of the sentence--my mother took a
+pinch of snuff.
+
+Now I would not, quoth my uncle _Toby_, get a child, _nolens, volens_,
+that is, whether I would or no, to please the greatest prince upon
+earth----
+
+----And 'twould be cruel in me, brother _Toby_, to compel thee; said my
+father--but 'tis a case put to show thee, that it is not thy begetting a
+child--in case thou should'st be able--but the system of Love and
+Marriage thou goest upon, which I would set thee right in----
+
+There is at least, said _Yorick_, a great deal of reason and plain sense
+in captain _Shandy's_ opinion of love; and 'tis amongst the ill-spent
+hours of my life, which I have to answer for, that I have read so many
+flourishing poets and rhetoricians in my time, from whom I never could
+extract so much----
+
+I wish, _Yorick_, said my father, you had read _Plato_; for there you
+would have learnt that there are two LOVES --I know there were two
+RELIGIONS, replied _Yorick_, amongst the ancients----one--for the
+vulgar, and another for the learned; --but I think ONE LOVE might have
+served both of them very well--
+
+It could not; replied my father--and for the same reasons: for of these
+Loves, according to _Ficinus's_ comment upon _Velasius_, the one is
+rational----
+
+----the other is _natural_----
+
+the first ancient----without mother----where _Venus_ had nothing to do:
+the second, begotten of _Jupiter_ and _Dione_--
+
+----Pray, brother, quoth my uncle _Toby_, what has a man who believes in
+God to do with this? My father could not stop to answer, for fear of
+breaking the thread of his discourse----
+
+This latter, continued he, partakes wholly of the nature of _Venus_.
+
+The first, which is the golden chain let down from heaven, excites to
+love heroic, which comprehends in it, and excites to the desire of
+philosophy and truth----the second, excites to _desire_, simply----
+
+----I think the procreation of children as beneficial to the world, said
+_Yorick_, as the finding out of the longitude----
+
+----To be sure, said my mother, _love_ keeps peace in the world----
+
+----In the _house_--my dear, I own--
+
+----It replenishes the earth; said my mother----
+
+But it keeps heaven empty--my dear; replied my father.
+
+----'Tis Virginity, cried _Slop_, triumphantly, which fills paradise.
+
+Well push'd, nun! quoth my father.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+
+
+My father had such a skirmishing, cutting kind of a slashing way with
+him, in his disputations, thrusting and ripping, and giving every one a
+stroke to remember him by in his turn--that if there were twenty people
+in company--in less than half an hour he was sure to have every one of
+'em against him.
+
+What did not a little contribute to leave him thus without an ally, was,
+that if there was any one post more untenable than the rest, he would be
+sure to throw himself into it; and to do him justice, when he was once
+there, he would defend it so gallantly, that 'twould have been a
+concern, either to a brave man or a good-natured one, to have seen him
+driven out.
+
+_Yorick_, for this reason, though he would often attack him--yet could
+never bear to do it with all his force.
+
+Doctor _Slop's_ VIRGINITY, in the close of the last chapter, had got him
+for once on the right side of the rampart; and he was beginning to blow
+up all the convents in _Christendom_ about _Slop's_ ears, when corporal
+_Trim_ came into the parlour to inform my uncle _Toby_, that his thin
+scarlet breeches, in which the attack was to be made upon Mrs. _Wadman_,
+would not do; for that the taylor, in ripping them up, in order to turn
+them, had found they had been turn'd before ----Then turn them again,
+brother, said my father, rapidly, for there will be many a turning of
+'em yet before all's done in the affair ----They are as rotten as dirt,
+said the corporal ----Then by all means, said my father, bespeak a new
+pair, brother----for though I know, continued my father, turning himself
+to the company, that widow _Wadman_ has been deeply in love with my
+brother _Toby_ for many years, and has used every art and circumvention
+of woman to outwit him into the same passion, yet now that she has
+caught him----her fever will be pass'd its height----
+
+----She has gain'd her point.
+
+In this case, continued my father, which _Plato_, I am persuaded, never
+thought of ----Love, you see, is not so much a SENTIMENT as a SITUATION,
+into which a man enters, as my brother _Toby_ would do, into a
+_corps_----no matter whether he loves the service or no----being once in
+it--he acts as if he did; and takes every step to shew himself a man of
+prowesse.
+
+The hypothesis, like the rest of my father's, was plausible enough, and
+my uncle _Toby_ had but a single word to object to it--in which _Trim_
+stood ready to second him----but my father had not drawn his
+conclusion----
+
+For this reason, continued my father (stating the case over
+again)--notwithstanding all the world knows, that Mrs. _Wadman_
+_affects_ my brother _Toby_--and my brother _Toby_ contrariwise
+_affects_ Mrs. _Wadman_, and no obstacle in nature to forbid the music
+striking up this very night, yet will I answer for it, that this
+self-same tune will not be play'd this twelvemonth.
+
+We have taken our measures badly, quoth my uncle _Toby_, looking up
+interrogatively in _Trim's_ face.
+
+I would lay my _Montero_-cap, said _Trim_ ----Now _Trim's_ _Montero_-cap,
+as I once told you, was his constant wager; and having furbish'd it up
+that very night, in order to go upon the attack--it made the odds look
+more considerable ----I would lay, an' please your honour, my
+_Montero_-cap to a shilling--was it proper, continued _Trim_ (making a
+bow), to offer a wager before your honours----
+
+----There is nothing improper in it, said my father--'tis a mode of
+expression; for in saying thou would'st lay thy _Montero_-cap to a
+shilling--all thou meanest is this--that thou believest--
+
+----Now, What do'st thou believe?
+
+That widow _Wadman_, an' please your worship, cannot hold it out ten
+days----
+
+And whence, cried _Slop_, jeeringly, hast thou all this knowledge of
+woman, friend?
+
+By falling in love with a popish clergywoman; said _Trim_.
+
+'Twas a _Beguine_, said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+Doctor _Slop_ was too much in wrath to listen to the distinction; and my
+father taking that very crisis to fall in helter-skelter upon the whole
+order of Nuns and _Beguines_, a set of silly, fusty, baggages----_Slop_
+could not stand it----and my uncle _Toby_ having some measures to take
+about his breeches--and _Yorick_ about his fourth general division--in
+order for their several attacks next day--the company broke up: and my
+father being left alone, and having half an hour upon his hands betwixt
+that and bed-time; he called for pen, ink, and paper, and wrote my uncle
+_Toby_ the following letter of instructions:
+
+  MY DEAR BROTHER _Toby_,
+
+What I am going to say to thee is upon the nature of women, and of
+love-making to them; and perhaps it is as well for thee--tho' not so
+well for me--that thou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon
+that head, and that I am able to write it to thee.
+
+Had it been the good pleasure of him who disposes of our lots--and thou
+no sufferer by the knowledge, I had been well content that thou
+should'st have dipp'd the pen this moment into the ink, instead of
+myself; but that not being the case ------------Mrs. _Shandy_ being now
+close beside me, preparing for bed ----I have thrown together without
+order, and just as they have come into my mind, such hints and documents
+as I deem may be of use to thee; intending, in this, to give thee a
+token of my love; not doubting, my dear _Toby_, of the manner in which
+it will be accepted.
+
+In the first place, with regard to all which concerns religion in the
+affair----though I perceive from a glow in my cheek, that I blush as I
+begin to speak to thee upon the subject, as well knowing,
+notwithstanding thy unaffected secrecy, how few of its offices thou
+neglectest--yet I would remind thee of one (during the continuance of
+thy courtship) in a particular manner, which I would not have omitted;
+and that is, never to go forth upon the enterprize, whether it be in the
+morning or the afternoon, without first recommending thyself to the
+protection of Almighty God, that he may defend thee from the evil one.
+
+Shave the whole top of thy crown clean once at least every four or five
+days, but oftener if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before her,
+thro' absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has been
+cut away by Time----how much by _Trim_.
+
+--'Twere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy.
+
+Always carry it in thy mind, and act upon it as a sure maxim, _Toby_----
+
+"_That women are timid:_" And 'tis well they are----else there would be
+no dealing with them.
+
+Let not thy breeches be too tight, or hang too loose about thy thighs,
+like the trunk-hose of our ancestors.
+
+----A just medium prevents all conclusions.
+
+Whatever thou hast to say, be it more or less, forget not to utter it in
+a low soft tone of voice. Silence, and whatever approaches it, weaves
+dreams of midnight secrecy into the brain: For this cause, if thou canst
+help it, never throw down the tongs and poker.
+
+Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse with
+her, and do whatever lies in thy power at the same time, to keep from
+her all books and writings which tend thereto: there are some devotional
+tracts, which if thou canst entice her to read over--it will be well:
+but suffer her not to look into _Rabelais_, or _Scarron_, or _Don
+Quixote_----
+
+----They are all books which excite laughter; and thou knowest, dear
+_Toby_, that there is no passion so serious as lust.
+
+Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, before thou enterest her parlour.
+
+And if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sopha with her, and she
+gives thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hers--beware of taking
+it----thou canst not lay thy hand on hers, but she will feel the temper
+of thine. Leave that and as many other things as thou canst, quite
+undetermined; by so doing, thou wilt have her curiosity on thy side; and
+if she is not conquered by that, and thy ASSE continues still kicking,
+which there is great reason to suppose ----Thou must begin, with first
+losing a few ounces of blood below the ears, according to the practice
+of the ancient _Scythians_, who cured the most intemperate fits of the
+appetite by that means.
+
+_Avicenna_, after this, is for having the part anointed with the syrup
+of hellebore, using proper evacuations and purges----and I believe
+rightly. But thou must eat little or no goat's flesh, nor red
+deer----nor even foal's flesh by any means; and carefully
+abstain----that is, as much as thou canst, from peacocks, cranes, coots,
+didappers, and water-hens----
+
+As for thy drink --I need not tell thee, it must be the infusion of
+VERVAIN and the herb HANEA, of which _Ćlian_ relates such effects--but
+if thy stomach palls with it--discontinue it from time to time, taking
+cucumbers, melons, purslane, water-lillies, woodbine, and lettice, in
+the stead of them.
+
+There is nothing further for thee, which occurs to me at present----
+
+----Unless the breaking out of a fresh war ----So wishing everything,
+dear _Toby_, for the best,
+
+I rest thy affectionate brother,
+
+  WALTER SHANDY.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+
+
+Whilst my father was writing his letter of instructions, my uncle _Toby_
+and the corporal were busy in preparing everything for the attack. As
+the turning of the thin scarlet breeches was laid aside (at least for
+the present), there was nothing which should put it off beyond the next
+morning; so accordingly it was resolved upon, for eleven o'clock.
+
+Come, my dear, said my father to my mother--'twill be but like a brother
+and sister, if you and I take a walk down to my brother _Toby's_----to
+countenance him in this attack of his.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ and the corporal had been accoutred both some time, when
+my father and mother enter'd, and the clock striking eleven, were that
+moment in motion to sally forth--but the account of this is worth more
+than to be wove into the fag end of the eighth[8.7] volume of such a
+work as this. ----My father had no time but to put the letter of
+instructions into my uncle _Toby's_ coat-pocket----and join with my
+mother in wishing his attack prosperous.
+
+I could like, said my mother, to look through the key-hole out of
+curiosity ----Call it by its right name, my dear, quoth my father--
+
+_And look through the key-hole_ as long as you will.
+
+    [Footnote 8.7: Alluding to the first edition.]
+
+
+
+
+THE LIFE AND OPINIONS
+
+OF
+
+TRISTRAM SHANDY
+
+GENTLEMAN
+
+
+  Non enim excursus hic ejus, sed opus ipsum est.
+
+    PLIN. Lib. v. Epist. 6.
+
+Si quid urbaniusculč lusum a nobis, per Musas et Charitas et omnium
+poëtarum Numina, Oro te, ne me malč capias.
+
+
+
+
+  A DEDICATION
+
+  TO A GREAT MAN
+
+  Having, _a priori_, intended to dedicate _The Amours of my Uncle
+  Toby_ to Mr. *** ----I see more reasons, _a posteriori_, for doing it
+  to Lord *******.
+
+  I should lament from my soul, if this exposed me to the jealousy of
+  their Reverences; because _a posteriori_, in Court-latin, signifies
+  the kissing hands for preferment--or anything else--in order to get
+  it.
+
+  My opinion of Lord ******* is neither better nor worse, than it was
+  of Mr. ***. Honours, like impressions upon coin, may give an ideal
+  and local value to a bit of base metal; but Gold and Silver will
+  pass all the world over without any other recommendation than their
+  own weight.
+
+  The same good-will that made me think of offering up half an hour's
+  amusement to Mr. *** when out of place--operates more forcibly at
+  present, as half an hour's amusement will be more serviceable and
+  refreshing after labour and sorrow, than after a philosophical
+  repast.
+
+  Nothing is so perfectly _amusement_ as a total change of ideas; no
+  ideas are so totally different as those of Ministers, and innocent
+  Lovers: for which reason, when I come to talk of Statesmen and
+  Patriots, and set such marks upon them as will prevent confusion and
+  mistakes concerning them for the future --I propose to dedicate that
+  Volume to some gentle Shepherd,
+
+    Whose thoughts proud Science never taught to stray,
+    Far as the Statesman's walk or Patriot-way;
+    Yet _simple Nature_ to his hopes had given
+    Out of a cloud-capp'd head a humbler heaven;
+    Some _untam'd_ World in depths of wood embraced--
+    Some happier Island in the watry-waste--
+    And where admitted to that equal sky,
+    His _faithful Dog_ should bear him company.
+
+  In a word, by thus introducing an entire new set of objects to his
+  Imagination, I shall unavoidably give a _Diversion_ to his
+  passionate and love-sick Contemplations. In the meantime,
+
+    I am
+
+      THE AUTHOR.
+
+
+
+
+BOOK IX
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+
+I call all the powers of time and chance, which severally check us in
+our careers in this world, to bear me witness, that I could never yet
+get fairly to my uncle _Toby's_ amours, till this very moment, that my
+mother's _curiosity_, as she stated the affair, ----or a different
+impulse in her, as my father would have it----wished her to take a peep
+at them through the key-hole.
+
+"Call it, my dear, by its right name, quoth my father, and look through
+the key-hole as long as you will."
+
+Nothing but the fermentation of that little subacid humour, which I have
+often spoken of, in my father's habit, could have vented such an
+insinuation----he was however frank and generous in his nature, and at
+all times open to conviction; so that he had scarce got to the last word
+of this ungracious retort, when his conscience smote him.
+
+My mother was then conjugally swinging with her left arm twisted under
+his right, in such wise, that the inside of her hand rested upon the
+back of his--she raised her fingers, and let them fall--it could scarce
+be call'd a tap; or if it was a tap---- 'twould have puzzled a casuist
+to say, whether 'twas a tap of remonstrance, or a tap of confession:
+my father, who was all sensibilities from head to foot, class'd it
+right --Conscience redoubled her blow--he turn'd his face suddenly the
+other way, and my mother supposing his body was about to turn with it in
+order to move homewards, by a cross movement of her right leg, keeping
+her left as its centre, brought herself so far in front, that as he
+turned his head, he met her eye ------Confusion again! he saw a thousand
+reasons to wipe out the reproach, and as many to reproach himself----a
+thin, blue, chill, pellucid chrystal with all its humours so at rest,
+the least mote or speck of desire might have been seen, at the bottom of
+it, had it existed----it did not----and how I happen to be so lewd
+myself, particularly a little before the vernal and autumnal
+equinoxes ----Heaven above knows ----My mother----madam----was so at no
+time, either by nature, by institution, or example.
+
+A temperate current of blood ran orderly through her veins in all months
+of the year, and in all critical moments both of the day and night
+alike; nor did she superinduce the least heat into her humours from the
+manual effervescencies of devotional tracts, which having little or no
+meaning in them, nature is oft-times obliged to find one ----And as for
+my father's example! 'twas so far from being either aiding or abetting
+thereunto, that 'twas the whole business of his life to keep all fancies
+of that kind out of her head ----Nature had done her part, to have spared
+him this trouble; and what was not a little inconsistent, my father knew
+it ----And here am I sitting, this 12th day of _August_ 1766, in a purple
+jerkin and yellow pair of slippers, without either wig or cap on, a most
+tragicomical completion of his prediction, "That I should neither think,
+nor act like any other man's child, upon that very account."
+
+The mistake in my father, was in attacking my mother's motive, instead
+of the act itself; for certainly key-holes were made for other purposes;
+and considering the act, as an act which interfered with a true
+proposition, and denied a key-hole to be what it was------it became a
+violation of nature; and was so far, you see, criminal.
+
+It is for this reason, an' please your Reverences, That key-holes are
+the occasions of more sin and wickedness, than all other holes in this
+world put together.
+
+------which leads me to my uncle _Toby's_ amours.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+
+Though the corporal had been as good as his word in putting my uncle
+_Toby's_ great ramallie-wig into pipes, yet the time was too short to
+produce any great effects from it: it had lain many years squeezed up in
+the corner of his old campaign trunk; and as bad forms are not so easy
+to be got the better of, and the use of candle-ends not so well
+understood, it was not so pliable a business as one would have wished.
+The corporal with cheary eye and both arms extended, had fallen back
+perpendicular from it a score times, to inspire it, if possible, with a
+better air----had SPLEEN given a look at it, 'twould have cost her
+ladyship a smile----it curl'd everywhere but where the corporal would
+have it; and where a buckle or two, in his opinion, would have done it
+honour, he could as soon have raised the dead.
+
+Such it was----or rather such would it have seem'd upon any other brow;
+but the sweet look of goodness which sat upon my uncle _Toby's_,
+assimilated everything around it so sovereignly to itself, and Nature
+had moreover wrote GENTLEMAN with so fair a hand in every line of his
+countenance, that even his tarnish'd gold-laced hat and huge cockade of
+flimsy taffeta became him; and though not worth a button in themselves,
+yet the moment my uncle _Toby_ put them on, they became serious objects,
+and altogether seem'd to have been picked up by the hand of Science to
+set him off to advantage.
+
+Nothing in this world could have co-operated more powerfully towards
+this, than my uncle _Toby's_ blue and gold----_had not Quantity in some
+measure been necessary to Grace_: in a period of fifteen or sixteen
+years since they had been made, by a total inactivity in my uncle
+_Toby's_ life, for he seldom went further than the bowling-green--his
+blue and gold had become so miserably too strait for him, that it was
+with the utmost difficulty the corporal was able to get him into them;
+the taking them up at the sleeves, was of no advantage. ----They were
+laced however down the back, and at the seams of the sides, &c., in the
+mode of King _William's_ reign; and to shorten all description, they
+shone so bright against the sun that morning, and had so metallick and
+doughty an air with them, that had my uncle _Toby_ thought of attacking
+in armour, nothing could have so well imposed upon his imagination.
+
+As for the thin scarlet breeches, they had been unripp'd by the taylor
+between the legs, and left at _sixes and sevens_----
+
+----Yes, Madam, ----but let us govern our fancies. It is enough they
+were held impracticable the night before, and as there was no
+alternative in my uncle _Toby's_ wardrobe, he sallied forth in the red
+plush.
+
+The corporal had array'd himself in poor _Le Fever's_ regimental coat;
+and with his hair tuck'd up under his _Montero_-cap, which he had
+furbish'd up for the occasion, march'd three paces distant from his
+master: a whiff of military pride had puff'd out his shirt at the wrist;
+and upon that in a black leather thong clipp'd into a tassel beyond the
+knot, hung the corporal's stick ----My uncle _Toby_ carried his cane
+like a pike.
+
+----It looks well at least; quoth my father to himself.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+
+My uncle _Toby_ turn'd his head more than once behind him, to see how he
+was supported by the corporal; and the corporal as oft as he did it,
+gave a slight flourish with his stick--but not vapouringly; and with the
+sweetest accent of most respectful encouragement, bid his honour "never
+fear."
+
+Now my uncle _Toby_ did fear; and grievously too; he knew not (as my
+father had reproach'd him) so much as the right end of a Woman from the
+wrong, and therefore was never altogether at his ease near any one of
+them----unless in sorrow or distress; then infinite was his pity; nor
+would the most courteous knight of romance have gone further, at least
+upon one leg, to have wiped away a tear from a woman's eye; and yet
+excepting once that he was beguiled into it by Mrs. _Wadman_, he had
+never looked stedfastly into one; and would often tell my father in the
+simplicity of his heart, that it was almost (if not about) as bad as
+talking bawdy.----
+
+----And suppose it is? my father would say.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+
+She cannot, quoth my uncle _Toby_, halting, when they had march'd up to
+within twenty paces of Mrs. _Wadman's_ door--she cannot, corporal, take
+it amiss.----
+
+----She will take it, an' please your honour, said the corporal, just as
+the _Jew's_ widow at _Lisbon_ took it of my brother _Tom_.----
+
+----And how was that? quoth my uncle _Toby_, facing quite about to the
+corporal.
+
+Your honour, replied the corporal, knows of _Tom's_ misfortunes; but
+this affair has nothing to do with them any further than this, That if
+_Tom_ had not married the widow----or had it pleased God after their
+marriage, that they had but put pork into their sausages, the honest
+soul had never been taken out of his warm bed, and dragg'd to the
+inquisition----'Tis a cursed place--added the corporal, shaking his
+head, --when once a poor creature is in, he is in, an' please your
+honour, for ever.
+
+'Tis very true; said my uncle _Toby_, looking gravely at Mrs. _Wadman's_
+house, as he spoke.
+
+Nothing, continued the corporal, can be so sad as confinement for
+life--or so sweet, an' please your honour, as liberty.
+
+Nothing, _Trim_----said my uncle _Toby_, musing----
+
+Whilst a man is free, --cried the corporal, giving a flourish with his
+stick thus----
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A thousand of my father's most subtle syllogisms could not have said
+more for celibacy.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ look'd earnestly towards his cottage and his
+bowling-green.
+
+The corporal had unwarily conjured up the Spirit of calculation with his
+wand; and he had nothing to do, but to conjure him down again with his
+story, and in this form of Exorcism, most un-ecclesiastically did the
+corporal do it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+
+As _Tom's_ place, an' please your honour, was easy--and the weather
+warm--it put him upon thinking seriously of settling himself in the
+world; and as it fell out about that time, that a _Jew_ who kept a
+sausage shop in the same street, had the ill luck to die of a strangury,
+and leave his widow in possession of a rousing trade----_Tom_ thought
+(as everybody in _Lisbon_ was doing the best he could devise for
+himself) there could be no harm in offering her his service to carry it
+on: so without any introduction to the widow, except that of buying a
+pound of sausages at her shop--_Tom_ set out--counting the matter thus
+within himself, as he walk'd along; that let the worst come of it that
+could, he should at least get a pound of sausages for their worth--but,
+if things went well, he should be set up; inasmuch as he should get not
+only a pound of sausages--but a wife and--a sausage shop, an' please
+your honour, into the bargain.
+
+Every servant in the family, from high to low, wish'd _Tom_ success; and
+I can fancy, an' please your honour, I see him this moment with his
+white dimity waistcoat and breeches, and hat a little o' one side,
+passing jollily along the street, swinging his stick, with a smile and a
+chearful word for everybody he met: ----But alas! _Tom!_ thou smilest no
+more, cried the corporal, looking on one side of him upon the ground, as
+if he apostrophised him in his dungeon.
+
+Poor fellow! said my uncle _Toby_, feelingly.
+
+He was an honest, light-hearted lad, an' please your honour, as ever
+blood warm'd----
+
+----Then he resembled thee, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, rapidly.
+
+The corporal blush'd down to his fingers ends--a tear of sentimental
+bashfulness--another of gratitude to my uncle _Toby_--and a tear of
+sorrow for his brother's misfortunes, started into his eye, and ran
+sweetly down his cheek together; my uncle _Toby's_ kindled as one lamp
+does at another; and taking hold of the breast of _Trim's_ coat (which
+had been that of _Le Fever's_) as if to ease his lame leg, but in
+reality to gratify a finer feeling----he stood silent for a minute and a
+half; at the end of which he took his hand away, and the corporal making
+a bow, went on with his story of his brother and the _Jew's_ widow.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+
+When _Tom_, an' please your honour, got to the shop, there was nobody in
+it, but a poor negro girl, with a bunch of white feathers slightly tied
+to the end of a long cane, flapping away flies--not killing them.
+----'Tis a pretty picture! said my uncle _Toby_--she had suffered
+persecution, _Trim_, and had learnt mercy----
+
+----She was good, an' please your honour, from nature, as well as from
+hardships; and there are circumstances in the story of that poor
+friendless slut, that would melt a heart of stone, said _Trim_; and some
+dismal winter's evening, when your honour is in the humour, they shall
+be told you with the rest of _Tom's_ story, for it makes a part of
+it----
+
+Then do not forget, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+A negro has a soul? an' please your honour, said the corporal
+(doubtingly).
+
+I am not much versed, corporal, quoth my uncle _Toby_, in things of that
+kind; but I suppose, God would not leave him without one, any more than
+thee or me----
+
+----It would be putting one sadly over the head of another, quoth the
+corporal.
+
+It would so; said my uncle _Toby_. Why then, an' please your honour, is
+a black wench to be used worse than a white one?
+
+I can give no reason, said my uncle _Toby_------
+
+----Only, cried the corporal, shaking his head, because she has no one
+to stand up for her----
+
+----'Tis that very thing, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, ----which
+recommends her to protection----and her brethren with her; 'tis the
+fortune of war which has put the whip into our hands _now_----where it
+may be hereafter, heaven knows! ----but be it where it will, the brave,
+_Trim!_ will not use it unkindly.
+
+----God forbid, said the corporal.
+
+Amen, responded my uncle _Toby_, laying his hand upon his heart.
+
+The corporal returned to his story, and went on----but with an
+embarrassment in doing it, which here and there a reader in this world
+will not be able to comprehend; for by the many sudden transitions all
+along, from one kind and cordial passion to another, in getting thus far
+on his way, he had lost the sportable key of his voice, which gave sense
+and spirit to his tale: he attempted twice to resume it, but could not
+please himself; so giving a stout hem! to rally back the retreating
+spirits, and aiding nature at the same time with his left arm a-kimbo on
+one side, and with his right a little extended, supporting her on the
+other--the corporal got as near the note as he could; and in that
+attitude, continued his story.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+
+As _Tom_, an' please your honour, had no business at that time with the
+_Moorish_ girl, he passed on into the room beyond, to talk to the
+_Jew's_ widow about love----and this pound of sausages; and being, as I
+have told your honour, an open cheary-hearted lad, with his character
+wrote in his looks and carriage, he took a chair, and without much
+apology, but with great civility at the same time, placed it close to
+her at the table, and sat down.
+
+There is nothing so awkward, as courting a woman, an' please your
+honour, whilst she is making sausages ----So _Tom_ began a discourse
+upon them; first, gravely, ----"as how they were made----with what meats,
+herbs, and spices" --Then a little gayly, --as, "With what skins----and
+if they never burst ----Whether the largest were not the best?" ----and
+so on--taking care only as he went along, to season what he had to say
+upon sausages, rather under than over; ----that he might have room to
+act in----
+
+It was owing to the neglect of that very precaution, said my uncle
+_Toby_, laying his hand upon _Trim's_ shoulder, that Count _De la Motte_
+lost the battle of _Wynendale_: he pressed too speedily into the wood;
+which if he had not done, _Lisle_ had not fallen into our hands, nor
+_Ghent_ and _Bruges_, which both followed her example; it was so late in
+the year, continued my uncle _Toby_, and so terrible a season came on,
+that if things had not fallen out as they did, our troops must have
+perish'd in the open field.----
+
+----Why, therefore, may not battles, an' please your honour, as well as
+marriages, be made in heaven? --My uncle _Toby_ mused----
+
+Religion inclined him to say one thing, and his high idea of military
+skill tempted him to say another; so not being able to frame a reply
+exactly to his mind----my uncle _Toby_ said nothing at all; and the
+corporal finished his story.
+
+As _Tom_ perceived, an' please your honour, that he gained ground, and
+that all he had said upon the subject of sausages was kindly taken, he
+went on to help her a little in making them. ----First, by taking hold
+of the ring of the sausage whilst she stroked the forced meat down with
+her hand----then by cutting the strings into proper lengths, and holding
+them in his hand, whilst she took them out one by one----then, by
+putting them across her mouth, that she might take them out as she
+wanted them----and so on from little to more, till at last he adventured
+to tie the sausage himself, whilst she held the snout.----
+
+----Now a widow, an' please your honour, always chuses a second husband
+as unlike the first as she can: so the affair was more than half settled
+in her mind before _Tom_ mentioned it.
+
+She made a feint however of defending herself, by snatching up a
+sausage: ----_Tom_ instantly laid hold of another------
+
+But seeing _Tom's_ had more gristle in it------
+
+She signed the capitulation----and _Tom_ sealed it; and there was an end
+of the matter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+
+All womankind, continued _Trim_, (commenting upon his story) from the
+highest to the lowest, an' please your honour, love jokes; the
+difficulty is to know how they chuse to have them cut; and there is no
+knowing that, but by trying, as we do with our artillery in the field,
+by raising or letting down their breeches, till we hit the mark.----
+
+----I like the comparison, said my uncle _Toby_, better than the thing
+itself----
+
+----Because your honour, quoth the corporal, loves glory, more than
+pleasure.
+
+I hope, _Trim_, answered my uncle _Toby_, I love mankind more than
+either; and as the knowledge of arms tends so apparently to the good and
+quiet of the world----and particularly that branch of it which we have
+practised together in our bowling-green, has no object but to shorten
+the strides of AMBITION, and intrench the lives and fortunes of the
+_few_, from the plunderings of the _many_----whenever that drum beats in
+our ears, I trust, corporal, we shall neither of us want so much
+humanity and fellow-feeling, as to face about and march.
+
+In pronouncing this, my uncle _Toby_ faced about, and march'd firmly as
+at the head of his company----and the faithful corporal, shouldering his
+stick, and striking his hand upon his coat-skirt as he took his first
+step----march'd close behind him down the avenue.
+
+----Now what can their two noddles be about? cried my father to my
+mother----by all that's strange, they are besieging Mrs. _Wadman_ in
+form, and are marching round her house to mark out the lines of
+circumvallation.
+
+I dare say, quoth my mother ------------But stop, dear Sir----for what
+my mother dared to say upon the occasion----and what my father did say
+upon it----with her replies and his rejoinders, shall be read, perused,
+paraphrased, commented, and descanted upon--or to say it all in a word,
+shall be thumb'd over by Posterity in a chapter apart ----I say, by
+Posterity--and care not, if I repeat the word again--for what has this
+book done more than the Legation of _Moses_, or the Tale of a Tub, that
+it may not swim down the gutter of Time along with them?
+
+I will not argue the matter: Time wastes too fast: every letter I trace
+tells me with what rapidity Life follows my pen; the days and hours of
+it, more precious, my dear _Jenny!_ than the rubies about thy neck, are
+flying over our heads like light clouds of a windy day, never to return
+more----everything presses on----whilst thou art twisting that lock,
+----see! it grows grey; and every time I kiss thy hand to bid adieu, and
+every absence which follows it, are preludes to that eternal separation
+which we are shortly to make.----
+
+----Heaven have mercy upon us both!
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+
+Now, for what the world thinks of that ejaculation ----I would not give
+a groat.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+
+My mother had gone with her left arm twisted in my father's right, till
+they had got to the fatal angle of the old garden wall, where Doctor
+_Slop_ was overthrown by _Obadiah_ on the coach-horse: as this was
+directly opposite to the front of Mrs. _Wadman's_ house, when my father
+came to it, he gave a look across; and seeing my uncle _Toby_ and the
+corporal within ten paces of the door, he turn'd about---- "Let us just
+stop a moment, quoth my father, and see with what ceremonies my brother
+_Toby_ and his man _Trim_ make their first entry----it will not detain
+us, added my father, a single minute:" ----No matter, if it be ten
+minutes, quoth my mother.
+
+----It will not detain us half one; said my father.
+
+The corporal was just then setting in with the story of his brother
+_Tom_ and the _Jew's_ widow: the story went on--and on----it had
+episodes in it----it came back, and went on----and on again; there was
+no end of it----the reader found it very long----
+
+----G-- help my father! he pish'd fifty times at every new attitude, and
+gave the corporal's stick, with all its flourishings and dangling, to as
+many devils as chose to accept of them.
+
+When issues of events like these my father is waiting for, are hanging
+in the scales of fate, the mind has the advantage of changing the
+principle of expectation three times, without which it would not have
+power to see it out.
+
+Curiosity governs the _first moment_; and the second moment is all
+oeconomy to justify the expence of the first----and for the third,
+fourth, fifth, and sixth moments, and so on to the day of judgment--'tis
+a point of HONOUR.
+
+I need not be told, that the ethic writers have assigned this all to
+Patience; but that VIRTUE, methinks, has extent of dominion sufficient
+of her own, and enough to do in it, without invading the few dismantled
+castles which HONOUR has left him upon the earth.
+
+My father stood it out as well as he could with these three auxiliaries
+to the end of _Trim's_ story; and from thence to the end of my uncle
+_Toby's_ panegyrick upon arms, in the chapter following it; when seeing,
+that instead of marching up to Mrs. _Wadman's_ door, they both faced
+about and march'd down the avenue diametrically opposite to his
+expectation--he broke out at once with that little subacid soreness of
+humour which, in certain situations, distinguished his character from
+that of all other men.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+
+----"Now what can their two noddles be about?" cried my father - - &c.
+- - - -
+
+I dare say, said my mother, they are making fortifications----
+
+------Not on Mrs. _Wadman's_ premises! cried my father, stepping
+back----
+
+I suppose not: quoth my mother.
+
+I wish, said my father, raising his voice, the whole science of
+fortification at the devil, with all its trumpery of saps, mines,
+blinds, gabions, fausse-brays and cuvetts------
+
+----They are foolish things----said my mother.
+
+Now she had a way, which, by the bye, I would this moment give away my
+purple jerkin, and my yellow slippers into the bargain, if some of your
+reverences would imitate--and that was, never to refuse her assent and
+consent to any proposition my father laid before her, merely because she
+did not understand it, or had no ideas of the principal word or term of
+art, upon which the tenet or proposition rolled. She contented herself
+with doing all that her godfathers and godmothers promised for her--but
+no more; and so would go on using a hard word twenty years together--and
+replying to it too, if it was a verb, in all its moods and tenses,
+without giving herself any trouble to enquire about it.
+
+This was an eternal source of misery to my father, and broke the neck,
+at the first setting out, of more good dialogues between them, than
+could have done the most petulant contradiction----the few which
+survived were the better for the _cuvetts_----
+
+--"They are foolish things;" said my mother.
+
+----Particularly the _cuvetts_; replied my father.
+
+'Tis enough--he tasted the sweet of triumph--and went on.
+
+--Not that they are, properly speaking, Mrs. _Wadman's_ premises, said
+my father, partly correcting himself--because she is but tenant for
+life----
+
+----That makes a great difference--said my mother----
+
+--In a fool's head, replied my father----
+
+Unless she should happen to have a child--said my mother--
+
+----But she must persuade my brother _Toby_ first to get her one--
+
+----To be sure, Mr. _Shandy_, quoth my mother.
+
+----Though if it comes to persuasion--said my father --Lord have mercy
+upon them.
+
+Amen: said my mother, _piano_.
+
+Amen: cried my father, _fortissimč_.
+
+Amen: said my mother again----but with such a sighing cadence of
+personal pity at the end of it, as discomfited every fibre about my
+father--he instantly took out his almanack; but before he could untie
+it, _Yorick's_ congregation coming out of church, became a full answer
+to one half of his business with it--and my mother telling him it was a
+sacrament day--left him as little in doubt, as to the other part --He
+put his almanack into his pocket.
+
+The first Lord of the Treasury thinking of _ways and means_, could not
+have returned home with a more embarrassed look.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+
+Upon looking back from the end of the last chapter, and surveying the
+texture of what has been wrote, it is necessary, that upon this page and
+the three following, a good quantity of heterogeneous matter be inserted
+to keep up that just balance betwixt wisdom and folly, without which a
+book would not hold together a single year: nor is it a poor creeping
+digression (which but for the name of, a man might continue as well
+going on in the king's highway) which will do the business----no; if it
+is to be a digression, it must be a good frisky one, and upon a frisky
+subject too, where neither the horse or his rider are to be caught, but
+by rebound.
+
+The only difficulty, is raising powers suitable to the nature of the
+service: FANCY is capricious --WIT must not be searched for--and
+PLEASANTRY (good-natured slut as she is) will not come in at a call, was
+an empire to be laid at her feet.
+
+----The best way for a man is to say his prayers----
+
+Only if it puts him in mind of his infirmities and defects as well
+ghostly as bodily--for that purpose, he will find himself rather worse
+after he has said them than before--for other purposes, better.
+
+For my own part, there is not a way either moral or mechanical under
+heaven that I could think of, which I have not taken with myself in this
+case: sometimes by addressing myself directly to the soul herself, and
+arguing the point over and over again with her upon the extent of her
+own faculties----
+
+----I never could make them an inch the wider----
+
+Then by changing my system, and trying what could be made of it upon the
+body, by temperance, soberness, and chastity: These are good, quoth I,
+in themselves--they are good, absolutely; --they are good, relatively;
+--they are good for health--they are good for happiness in this
+world--they are good for happiness in the next----
+
+In short, they were good for everything but the thing wanted; and there
+they were good for nothing, but to leave the soul just as heaven made
+it: as for the theological virtues of faith and hope, they give it
+courage; but then that snivelling virtue of Meekness (as my father would
+always call it) takes it quite away again, so you are exactly where you
+started.
+
+Now in all common and ordinary cases, there is nothing which I have
+found to answer so well as this----
+
+----Certainly, if there is any dependence upon Logic, and that I am not
+blinded by self-love, there must be something of true genius about me,
+merely upon this symptom of it, that I do not know what envy is: for
+never do I hit upon any invention or device which tendeth to the
+furtherance of good writing, but I instantly make it public; willing
+that all mankind should write as well as myself.
+
+----Which they certainly will, when they think as little.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+
+Now in ordinary cases, that is, when I am only stupid, and the thoughts
+rise heavily and pass gummous through my pen----
+
+Or that I am got, I know not how, into a cold unmetaphorical vein of
+infamous writing, and cannot take a plumb-lift out of it _for my soul_;
+so must be obliged to go on writing like a _Dutch_ commentator to the
+end of the chapter, unless something be done----
+
+----I never stand conferring with pen and ink one moment; for if a pinch
+of snuff, or a stride or two across the room will not do the business
+for me --I take a razor at once; and having tried the edge of it upon
+the palm of my hand, without further ceremony, except that of first
+lathering my beard, I shave it off; taking care only if I do leave a
+hair, that it be not a grey one: this done, I change my shirt--put on a
+better coat--send for my last wig--put my topaz ring upon my finger; and
+in a word, dress myself from one end to the other of me, after my best
+fashion.
+
+Now the devil in hell must be in it, if this does not do: for consider,
+Sir, as every man chuses to be present at the shaving of his own beard
+(though there is no rule without an exception), and unavoidably sits
+over-against himself the whole time it is doing, in case he has a hand
+in it--the Situation, like all others, has notions of her own to put
+into the brain.----
+
+----I maintain it, the conceits of a rough-bearded man, are seven years
+more terse and juvenile for one single operation; and if they did not
+run a risk of being quite shaved away, might be carried up by continual
+shavings, to the highest pitch of sublimity --How _Homer_ could write
+with so long a beard, I don't know----and as it makes against my
+hypothesis, I as little care ----But let us return to the Toilet.
+
+_Ludovicus Sorbonensis_ makes this entirely an affair of the body
+(+exôterikę praxis+) as he calls it----but he is deceived: the soul and
+body are joint-sharers in everything they get: A man cannot dress, but
+his ideas get cloath'd at the same time; and if he dresses like a
+gentleman, every one of them stands presented to his imagination,
+genteelized along with him--so that he has nothing to do, but take his
+pen, and write like himself.
+
+For this cause, when your honours and reverences would know whether I
+writ clean and fit to be read, you will be able to judge full as well by
+looking into my Laundress's bill, as my book: there was one single month
+in which I can make it appear, that I dirtied one and thirty shirts with
+clean writing; and after all, was more abus'd, cursed, criticis'd, and
+confounded, and had more mystic heads shaken at me, for what I had wrote
+in that one month, than in all the other months of that year put
+together.
+
+----But their honours and reverences had not seen my bills.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+
+As I never had any intention of beginning the Digression I am making all
+this preparation for, till I come to the 15th chapter ----I have this
+chapter to put to whatever use I think proper ----I have twenty this
+moment ready for it ----I could write my chapter of Button-holes in
+it----
+
+Or my chapter of _Pishes_, which should follow them----
+
+Or my chapter of _Knots_, in case their reverences have done with
+them----they might lead me into mischief: the safest way is to follow
+the track of the learned, and raise objections against what I have been
+writing, tho' I declare beforehand, I know no more than my heels how to
+answer them.
+
+And first, it may be said, there is a pelting kind of _thersitical_
+satire, as black as the very ink 'tis wrote with----(and by the bye,
+whoever says so, is indebted to the muster-master general of the
+_Grecian_ army, for suffering the name of so ugly and foul-mouth'd a man
+as _Thersites_ to continue upon his roll----for it has furnish'd him
+with an epithet)----in these productions he will urge, all the personal
+washings and scrubbings upon earth do a sinking genius no sort of
+good----but just the contrary, inasmuch as the dirtier the fellow is,
+the better generally he succeeds in it.
+
+To this, I have no other answer----at least ready----but that the
+Archbishop of _Benevento_ wrote his _nasty_ Romance of the _Galatea_, as
+all the world knows, in a purple coat, waistcoat, and purple pair of
+breeches; and that the penance set him of writing a commentary upon the
+book of the _Revelations_, as severe as it was look'd upon by one part
+of the world, was far from being deem'd so by the other, upon the single
+account of that _Investment_.
+
+Another objection, to all this remedy, is its want of universality;
+forasmuch as the shaving part of it, upon which so much stress is laid,
+by an unalterable law of nature excludes one half of the species
+entirely from its use: all I can say is, that female writers, whether of
+_England_, or of _France_, must e'en go without it------
+
+As for the _Spanish_ ladies ----I am in no sort of distress----
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+
+The fifteenth chapter is come at last; and brings nothing with it but a
+sad signature of "How our pleasures slip from under us in this world!"
+
+For in talking of my digression ----I declare before heaven I have made
+it! What a strange creature is mortal man! said she.
+
+'Tis very true, said I----but 'twere better to get all these things out
+of our heads, and return to my uncle _Toby_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+
+When my uncle _Toby_ and the corporal had marched down to the bottom of
+the avenue, they recollected their business lay the other way; so they
+faced about and marched up straight to Mrs. _Wadman's_ door.
+
+I warrant your honour; said the corporal, touching his _Montero_-cap
+with his hand, as he passed him in order to give a knock at the
+door ----My uncle _Toby_, contrary to his invariable way of treating his
+faithful servant, said nothing good or bad: the truth was, he had not
+altogether marshal'd his ideas; he wish'd for another conference, and as
+the corporal was mounting up the three steps before the door--he hem'd
+twice--a portion of my uncle _Toby's_ most modest spirits fled, at each
+expulsion, towards the corporal; he stood with the rapper of the door
+suspended for a full minute in his hand, he scarce knew why. _Bridget_
+stood perdue within, with her finger and her thumb upon the latch,
+benumb'd with expectation; and Mrs. _Wadman_, with an eye ready to be
+deflowered again, sat breathless behind the window-curtain of her
+bed-chamber, watching their approach.
+
+_Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_----but as he articulated the word, the
+minute expired, and _Trim_ let fall the rapper.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ perceiving that all hopes of a conference were knock'd
+on the head by it------whistled Lillabullero.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+
+As Mrs. _Bridget's_ finger and thumb were upon the latch, the corporal
+did not knock as oft as perchance your honour's taylor ----I might have
+taken my example something nearer home; for I owe mine, some five and
+twenty pounds at least, and wonder at the man's patience----
+
+----But this is nothing at all to the world: only 'tis a cursed thing to
+be in debt, and there seems to be a fatality in the exchequers of some
+poor princes, particularly those of our house, which no Economy can bind
+down in irons: for my own part, I'm persuaded there is not any one
+prince, prelate, pope, or potentate, great or small upon earth, more
+desirous in his heart of keeping straight with the world than I am----
+or who takes more likely means for it. I never give above half a
+guinea----or walk with boots----or cheapen tooth-picks----or lay out a
+shilling upon a band-box the year round; and for the six months I'm in
+the country, I'm upon so small a scale, that with all the good temper in
+the world, I outdo _Rousseau_, a bar length------for I keep neither man
+or boy, or horse, or cow, or dog, or cat, or anything that can eat or
+drink, except a thin poor piece of a Vestal (to keep my fire in), and
+who has generally as bad an appetite as myself----but if you think this
+makes a philosopher of me ----I would not my good people! give a rush
+for your judgments.
+
+True philosophy----but there is no treating the subject whilst my uncle
+is whistling Lillabullero.
+
+----Let us go into the house.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+  *
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+
+  ------  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *
+
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+  *       *       *       *.------
+
+----You shall see the very place, Madam; said my uncle _Toby_.
+
+Mrs. _Wadman_ blush'd----look'd towards the door----turn'd
+pale----blush'd slightly again----recover'd her natural
+colour----blush'd worse than ever; which, for the sake of the unlearned
+reader, I translate thus----
+
+  "_L--d! I cannot look at it----
+  What would the world say if I look'd at it?
+  I should drop down, if I look'd at it--
+  I wish I could look at it----
+  There can be no sin in looking at it.
+  ----I will look at it._"
+
+Whilst all this was running through Mrs. _Wadman's_ imagination, my
+uncle _Toby_ had risen from the sopha, and got to the other side of the
+parlour door, to give _Trim_ an order about it in the passage----
+
+  *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  *       * ----I believe it is in the garret, said my uncle _Toby_
+----I saw it there, an' please your honour, this morning, answered
+_Trim_ ----Then prithee, step directly for it, _Trim_, said my uncle
+_Toby_, and bring it into the parlour.
+
+The corporal did not approve of the orders, but most chearfully obeyed
+them. The first was not an act of his will--the second was; so he put on
+his _Montero_-cap, and went as fast as his lame knee would let him. My
+uncle _Toby_ returned into the parlour, and sat himself down again upon
+the sopha.
+
+----You shall lay your finger upon the place--said my uncle _Toby_.
+----I will not touch it, however, quoth Mrs. _Wadman_ to herself.
+
+This requires a second translation: --it shews what little knowledge is
+got by mere words--we must go up to the first springs.
+
+Now in order to clear up the mist which hangs upon these three pages,
+I must endeavour to be as clear as possible myself.
+
+Rub your hands thrice across your foreheads--blow your noses--cleanse
+your emunctories--sneeze, my good people! ----God bless you----
+
+Now give me all the help you can.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+
+As there are fifty different ends (counting all ends in----as well civil
+as religious) for which a woman takes a husband, she first sets about
+and carefully weighs, then separates and distinguishes in her mind,
+which of all that number of ends is hers: then by discourse, enquiry,
+argumentation, and inference, she investigates and finds out whether she
+has got hold of the right one----and if she has----then, by pulling it
+gently this way and that way, she further forms a judgment, whether it
+will not break in the drawing.
+
+The imagery under which _Slawkenbergius_ impresses this upon the
+reader's fancy, in the beginning of his third Decad, is so ludicrous,
+that the honour I bear the sex, will not suffer me to quote
+it----otherwise it is not destitute of humour.
+
+"She first, saith _Slawkenbergius_, stops the asse, and holding his
+halter in her left hand (lest he should get away) she thrusts her right
+hand into the very bottom of his pannier to search for it --For what?
+--you'll not know the sooner, quoth _Slawkenbergius_, for interrupting
+me----
+
+"I have nothing, good Lady, but empty bottles;" says the asse.
+
+"I'm loaded with tripes;" says the second.
+
+----And thou art little better, quoth she to the third; for nothing is
+there in thy panniers but trunk-hose and pantofles--and so to the fourth
+and fifth, going on one by one through the whole string, till coming to
+the asse which carries it, she turns the pannier upside down, looks at
+it--considers it--samples it--measures it--stretches it--wets it--dries
+it--then takes her teeth both to the warp and weft of it.
+
+----Of what? for the love of Christ!
+
+I am determined, answered _Slawkenbergius_, that all the powers upon
+earth shall never wring that secret from my breast.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+
+We live in a world beset on all sides with mysteries and riddles--and so
+'tis no matter----else it seems strange, that Nature, who makes
+everything so well to answer its destination, and seldom or never errs,
+unless for pastime, in giving such forms and aptitudes to whatever
+passes through her hands, that whether she designs for the plough, the
+caravan, the cart--or whatever other creature she models, be it but an
+asse's foal, you are sure to have the thing you wanted; and yet at the
+same time should so eternally bungle it as she does, in making so simple
+a thing as a married man.
+
+Whether it is in the choice of the clay----or that it is frequently
+spoiled in the baking; by an excess of which a husband may turn out too
+crusty (you know) on one hand----or not enough so, through defect of
+heat, on the other----or whether this great Artificer is not so
+attentive to the little Platonic exigences _of that part_ of the
+species, for whose use she is fabricating _this_----or that her Ladyship
+sometimes scarce knows what sort of a husband will do ----I know not: we
+will discourse about it after supper.
+
+It is enough, that neither the observation itself, or the reasoning upon
+it, are at all to the purpose----but rather against it; since with
+regard to my uncle _Toby's_ fitness for the marriage state, nothing was
+ever better: she had formed him of the best and kindliest clay----had
+temper'd it with her own milk, and breathed into it the sweetest
+spirit----she had made him all gentle, generous, and humane----she had
+filled his heart with trust and confidence, and disposed every passage
+which led to it, for the communication of the tenderest offices----she
+had moreover considered the other causes for which matrimony was
+ordained----
+
+And accordingly      *      *      *      *      *      *
+  *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *
+  *      *      *      *.
+
+The DONATION was not defeated by my uncle _Toby's_ wound.
+
+Now this last article was somewhat apocryphal; and the Devil, who is the
+great disturber of our faiths in this world, had raised scruples in Mrs.
+_Wadman's_ brain about it; and like a true devil as he was, had done his
+own work at the same time, by turning my uncle _Toby's_ Virtue thereupon
+into nothing but _empty bottles_, _tripes_, _trunk-hose_, and
+_pantofles_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+
+Mrs. _Bridget_ had pawn'd all the little stock of honour a poor
+chambermaid was worth in the world, that she would get to the bottom of
+the affair in ten days; and it was built upon one of the most
+concessible _postulata_ in nature: namely, that whilst my uncle _Toby_
+was making love to her mistress, the corporal could find nothing better
+to do, than make love to her---- "_And I'll let him as much as he will_,
+said _Bridget_, _to get it out of him_."
+
+Friendship has two garments; an outer and an under one. _Bridget_ was
+serving her mistress's interests in the one--and doing the thing which
+most pleased herself in the other; so had as many stakes depending upon
+my uncle _Toby's_ wound, as the Devil himself ----Mrs. _Wadman_ had but
+one--and as it possibly might be her last (without discouraging Mrs.
+_Bridget_, or discrediting her talents) was determined to play her cards
+herself.
+
+She wanted not encouragement: a child might have look'd into his
+hand----there was such a plainness and simplicity in his playing out
+what trumps he had----with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the
+_ten-ace_----and so naked and defenceless did he sit upon the same sopha
+with widow _Wadman_, that a generous heart would have wept to have won
+the game of him.
+
+Let us drop the metaphor.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+
+----And the story too--if you please: for though I have all along been
+hastening towards this part of it, with so much earnest desire, as well
+knowing it to be the choicest morsel of what I had to offer to the
+world, yet now that I am got to it, any one is welcome to take my pen,
+and go on with the story for me that will --I see the difficulties of
+the descriptions I'm going to give--and feel my want of powers.
+
+It is one comfort at least to me, that I lost some fourscore ounces of
+blood this week in a most uncritical fever which attacked me at the
+beginning of this chapter; so that I have still some hopes remaining, it
+may be more in the serous or globular parts of the blood, than in the
+subtile _aura_ of the brain----be it which it will--an Invocation can do
+no hurt----and I leave the affair entirely to the _invoked_, to inspire
+or to inject me according as he sees good.
+
+
+THE INVOCATION
+
+Gentle Spirit of sweetest humour, who erst did sit upon the easy pen of
+my beloved CERVANTES; Thou who glided'st daily through his lattice, and
+turned'st the twilight of his prison into noonday brightness by thy
+presence----tinged'st his little urn of water with heaven-sent nectar,
+and all the time he wrote of _Sancho_ and his master, didst cast thy
+mystic mantle o'er his wither'd stump,[9.1] and wide extended it to all
+the evils of his life------
+
+----Turn in hither, I beseech thee! ----behold these breeches! ----they
+are all I have in the world----that piteous rent was given them at
+_Lyons_------
+
+My shirts! see what a deadly schism has happen'd amongst 'em--for the
+laps are in _Lombardy_, and the rest of 'em here --I never had but six,
+and a cunning gypsey of a laundress at _Milan_ cut me off the
+_fore_-laps of five --To do her justice, she did it with some
+consideration--for I was returning out of _Italy_.
+
+And yet, notwithstanding all this, and a pistol tinderbox which was
+moreover filch'd from me at _Sienna_, and twice that I pay'd five Pauls
+for two hard eggs, once at _Raddicoffini_, and a second time at
+_Capua_ --I do not think a journey through _France_ and _Italy_, provided
+a man keeps his temper all the way, so bad a thing as some people would
+make you believe: there must be _ups_ and _downs_, or how the duce
+should we get into vallies where Nature spreads so many tables of
+entertainment. --'Tis nonsense to imagine they will lend you their
+voitures to be shaken to pieces for nothing; and unless you pay twelve
+sous for greasing your wheels, how should the poor peasant get butter to
+his bread? --We really expect too much--and for the livre or two above
+par for your suppers and bed--at the most they are but one shilling and
+ninepence halfpenny----who would embroil their philosophy for it? for
+heaven's and for your own sake, pay it----pay it with both hands open,
+rather than leave _Disappointment_ sitting drooping upon the eye of your
+fair Hostess and her Damsels in the gateway, at your departure----and
+besides, my dear Sir, you get a sisterly kiss of each of 'em worth a
+pound----at least I did----
+
+----For my uncle _Toby's_ amours running all the way in my head, they
+had the same effect upon me as if they had been my own ----I was in the
+most perfect state of bounty and good-will; and felt the kindliest
+harmony vibrating within me, with every oscillation of the chaise alike;
+so that whether the roads were rough or smooth, it made no difference;
+everything I saw or had to do with, touch'd upon some secret spring
+either of sentiment or rapture.
+
+----They were the sweetest notes I ever heard; and I instantly let down
+the fore-glass to hear them more distinctly----'Tis _Maria_; said the
+postillion, observing I was listening ----Poor _Maria_, continued he
+(leaning his body on one side to let me see her, for he was in a line
+betwixt us), is sitting upon a bank playing her vespers upon her pipe,
+with her little goat beside her.
+
+The young fellow utter'd this with an accent and a look so perfectly in
+tune to a feeling heart, that I instantly made a vow, I would give him a
+four-and-twenty sous piece, when I got to _Moulins_----
+
+------And who is _poor Maria?_ said I.
+
+The love and piety of all the villages around us; said the
+postillion----it is but three years ago, that the sun did not shine upon
+so fair, so quick-witted and amiable a maid; and better fate did _Maria_
+deserve, than to have her Banns forbid, by the intrigues of the curate
+of the parish who published them----
+
+He was going on, when _Maria_, who had made a short pause, put the pipe
+to her mouth, and began the air again----they were the same notes;
+----yet were ten times sweeter: It is the evening service to the Virgin,
+said the young man----but who has taught her to play it--or how she came
+by her pipe, no one knows; we think that heaven has assisted her in
+both; for ever since she has been unsettled in her mind, it seems her
+only consolation----she has never once had the pipe out of her hand, but
+plays that _service_ upon it almost night and day.
+
+The postillion delivered this with so much discretion and natural
+eloquence, that I could not help decyphering something in his face above
+his condition, and should have sifted out his history, had not poor
+_Maria_ taken such full possession of me.
+
+We had got up by this time almost to the bank where _Maria_ was sitting:
+she was in a thin white jacket, with her hair, all but two tresses,
+drawn up into a silk-net, with a few olive leaves twisted a little
+fantastically on one side----she was beautiful; and if ever I felt the
+full force of an honest heart-ache, it was the moment I saw her----
+
+----God help her! poor damsel! above a hundred masses, said the
+postillion, have been said in the several parish churches and convents
+around, for her, ----but without effect; we have still hopes, as she is
+sensible for short intervals, that the Virgin at last will restore her
+to herself; but her parents, who know her best, are hopeless upon that
+score, and think her senses are lost for ever.
+
+As the postillion spoke this, MARIA made a cadence so melancholy, so
+tender and querulous, that I sprung out of the chaise to help her, and
+found myself sitting betwixt her and her goat before I relapsed from my
+enthusiasm.
+
+MARIA look'd wistfully for some time at me, and then at her goat----and
+then at me----and then at her goat again, and so on, alternately----
+
+----Well, _Maria_, said I softly ----What resemblance do you find?
+
+I do entreat the candid reader to believe me, that it was from the
+humblest conviction of what a _Beast_ man is, ----that I asked the
+question; and that I would not have let fallen an unseasonable
+pleasantry in the venerable presence of Misery, to be entitled to all
+the wit that ever _Rabelais_ scatter'd----and yet I own my heart smote
+me, and that I so smarted at the very idea of it, that I swore I would
+set up for Wisdom, and utter grave sentences the rest of my days----and
+never----never attempt again to commit mirth with man, woman, or child,
+the longest day I had to live.
+
+As for writing nonsense to them ----I believe, there was a reserve--but
+that I leave to the world.
+
+Adieu, _Maria!_--adieu, poor hapless damsel! ----some time, but not
+_now_, I may hear thy sorrows from thy own lips----but I was deceived;
+for that moment she took her pipe and told me such a tale of woe with
+it, that I rose up, and with broken and irregular steps walk'd softly to
+my chaise.
+
+------What an excellent inn at _Moulins!_
+
+    [Footnote 9.1: He lost his hand at the battle of _Lepanto_.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+
+When we have got to the end of this chapter (but not before) we must all
+turn back to the two blank chapters, on the account of which my honour
+has lain bleeding this half hour ----I stop it, by pulling off one of my
+yellow slippers and throwing it with all my violence to the opposite
+side of my room, with a declaration at the heel of it----
+
+----That whatever resemblance it may bear to half the chapters which are
+written in the world, or for aught I know may be now writing in it--that
+it was as casual as the foam of _Zeuxis_ his horse; besides, I look upon
+a chapter which has _only nothing in it_, with respect; and considering
+what worse things there are in the world ----That it is no way a proper
+subject for satire------
+
+----Why then was it left so? And here without staying for my reply,
+shall I be called as many blockheads, numsculs, doddypoles, dunderheads,
+ninny-hammers, goosecaps, joltheads, nincompoops, and sh- -t-a-beds----
+and other unsavoury appellations, as ever the cake-bakers of _Lernč_
+cast in the teeth of King _Garangantan's_ shepherds ----And I'll let
+them do it, as _Bridget_ said, as much as they please; for how was it
+possible they should foresee the necessity I was under of writing the
+25th chapter of my book, before the 18th, &c.?
+
+------So I don't take it amiss ----All I wish is, that it may be a lesson
+to the world, "_to let people tell their stories their own way_."
+
+
+
+
+THE EIGHTEENTH CHAPTER
+
+
+As Mrs. _Bridget_ opened the door before the corporal had well given the
+rap, the interval betwixt that and my uncle _Toby's_ introduction into
+the parlour, was so short, that Mrs. _Wadman_ had but just time to get
+from behind the curtain----lay a Bible upon the table, and advance a
+step or two towards the door to receive him.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ saluted Mrs. _Wadman_, after the manner in which women
+were saluted by men in the year of our Lord God one thousand seven
+hundred and thirteen----then facing about, he march'd up abreast with
+her to the sopha, and in three plain words----though not before he was
+sat down----nor after he was sat down----but as he was sitting down,
+told her, "_he was in love_"----so that my uncle _Toby_ strained himself
+more in the declaration than he needed.
+
+Mrs. _Wadman_ naturally looked down, upon a slit she had been darning up
+in her apron, in expectation every moment, that my uncle _Toby_ would go
+on; but having no talents for amplification, and Love moreover of all
+others being a subject of which he was the least a master ----When he
+had told Mrs. _Wadman_ once that he loved her, he let it alone, and left
+the matter to work after its own way.
+
+My father was always in raptures with this system of my uncle _Toby's_,
+as he falsely called it, and would often say, that could his brother
+_Toby_ to his process have added but a pipe of tobacco----he had
+wherewithal to have found his way, if there was faith in a _Spanish_
+proverb, towards the hearts of half the women upon the globe.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ never understood what my father meant; nor will I
+presume to extract more from it, than a condemnation of an error which
+the bulk of the world lie under----but the _French_ every one of 'em to
+a man, who believe in it, almost, as much as the REAL PRESENCE, "_That
+talking of love, is making it_."
+
+------I would as soon set about making a black-pudding by the same
+receipt.
+
+Let us go on: Mrs. _Wadman_ sat in expectation my uncle _Toby_ would do
+so, to almost the first pulsation of that minute, wherein silence on one
+side or the other, generally becomes indecent: so edging herself a
+little more towards him, and raising up her eyes, sub-blushing, as she
+did it----she took up the gauntlet----or the discourse (if you like it
+better) and communed with my uncle _Toby_, thus:
+
+The cares and disquietudes of the marriage state, quoth Mrs. _Wadman_,
+are very great. I suppose so--said my uncle _Toby_: and therefore when a
+person, continued Mrs. _Wadman_, is so much at his ease as you are--so
+happy, captain _Shandy_, in yourself, your friends and your
+amusements --I wonder, what reasons can incline you to the state------
+
+----They are written, quoth my uncle _Toby_, in the Common-Prayer Book.
+
+Thus far my uncle _Toby_ went on warily, and kept within his depth,
+leaving Mrs. _Wadman_ to sail upon the gulph as she pleased.
+
+----As for children--said Mrs. _Wadman_--though a principal end perhaps
+of the institution, and the natural wish, I suppose, of every
+parent--yet do not we all find, they are certain sorrows, and very
+uncertain comforts? and what is there, dear sir, to pay one for the
+heart-aches--what compensation for the many tender and disquieting
+apprehensions of a suffering and defenceless mother who brings them into
+life? I declare, said my uncle _Toby_, smit with pity, I know of none;
+unless it be the pleasure which it has pleased God----
+
+A fiddlestick! quoth she.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THE NINETEENTH
+
+
+Now there are such an infinitude of notes, tunes, cants, chants, airs,
+looks, and accents with which the word _fiddlestick_ may be pronounced
+in all such causes as this, every one of 'em impressing a sense and
+meaning as different from the other, as _dirt_ from _cleanliness_ --That
+Casuists (for it is an affair of conscience on that score) reckon up no
+less than fourteen thousand in which you may do either right or wrong.
+
+Mrs. _Wadman_ hit upon the _fiddlestick_, which summoned up all my uncle
+_Toby's_ modest blood into his cheeks--so feeling within himself that he
+had somehow or other got beyond his depth, he stopt short; and without
+entering further either into the pains or pleasures of matrimony, he
+laid his hand upon his heart, and made an offer to take them as they
+were, and share them along with her.
+
+When my uncle _Toby_ had said this, he did not care to say it again; so
+casting his eye upon the Bible which Mrs. _Wadman_ had laid upon the
+table, he took it up; and popping, dear soul! upon a passage in it, of
+all others the most interesting to him--which was the siege of
+_Jericho_--he set himself to read it over--leaving his proposal of
+marriage, as he had done his declaration of love, to work with her after
+its own way. Now it wrought neither as an astringent or a loosener; nor
+like opium, or bark, or mercury, or buckthorn, or any one drug which
+nature had bestowed upon the world--in short, it work'd not at all in
+her; and the cause of that was, that there was something working there
+before ----Babbler that I am! I have anticipated what it was a dozen
+times; but there is fire still in the subject----allons.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+
+It is natural for a perfect stranger who is going from _London_ to
+_Edinburgh_, to enquire before he sets out, how many miles to _York_;
+which is about the half way----nor does anybody wonder, if he goes on
+and asks about the corporation, &c.--
+
+It was just as natural for Mrs. _Wadman_, whose first husband was all
+his time afflicted with a Sciatica, to wish to know how far from the hip
+to the groin; and how far she was likely to suffer more or less in her
+feelings, in the one case than in the other.
+
+She had accordingly read _Drake's_ anatomy from one end to the other.
+She had peeped into _Wharton_ upon the brain, and borrowed[9.2] _Graaf_
+upon the bones and muscles; but could make nothing of it.
+
+She had reason'd likewise from her own powers----laid down
+theorems----drawn consequences, and come to no conclusion.
+
+To clear up all, she had twice asked Doctor _Slop_, "if poor captain
+_Shandy_ was ever likely to recover of his wound----?"
+
+----He is recovered, Doctor _Slop_ would say----
+
+What! quite?
+
+Quite: madam----
+
+But what do you mean by a recovery? Mrs. _Wadman_ would say.
+
+Doctor _Slop_ was the worst man alive at definitions; and so Mrs.
+_Wadman_ could get no knowledge: in short, there was no way to extract
+it, but from my uncle _Toby_ himself.
+
+There is an accent of humanity in an enquiry of this kind which lulls
+SUSPICION to rest----and I am half persuaded the serpent got pretty near
+it, in his discourse with Eve; for the propensity in the sex to be
+deceived could not be so great, that she should have boldness to hold
+chat with the devil, without it ----But there is an accent of
+humanity----how shall I describe it? --'tis an accent which covers the
+part with a garment, and gives the enquirer a right to be as particular
+with it, as your body-surgeon.
+
+"----Was it without remission?--
+
+"----Was it more tolerable in bed?
+
+"----Could he lie on both sides alike with it?
+
+"--Was he able to mount a horse?
+
+"--Was motion bad for it?" _et cćtera_, were so tenderly spoke to, and
+so directed towards my uncle _Toby's_ heart, that every item of them
+sunk ten times deeper into it than the evils themselves----but when Mrs.
+_Wadman_ went round about by _Namur_ to get at my uncle _Toby's_ groin;
+and engaged him to attack the point of the advanced counterscarp, and
+_pęle męle_ with the _Dutch_ to take the counterguard of St. _Roch_
+sword in hand--and then with tender notes playing upon his ear, led him
+all bleeding by the hand out of the trench, wiping her eye, as he was
+carried to his tent ----Heaven! Earth! Sea! --all was lifted up--the
+springs of nature rose above their levels--an angel of mercy sat besides
+him on the sopha--his heart glow'd with fire--and had he been worth a
+thousand, he had lost every heart of them to Mrs. _Wadman_.
+
+--And whereabouts, dear Sir, quoth Mrs. _Wadman_, a little
+categorically, did you receive this sad blow? ----In asking this
+question, Mrs. _Wadman_ gave a slight glance towards the waistband of my
+uncle _Toby's_ red plush breeches, expecting naturally, as the shortest
+reply to it, that my uncle _Toby_ would lay his forefinger upon the
+place ----It fell out otherwise----for my uncle _Toby_ having got his
+wound before the gate of St. _Nicolas_, in one of the traverses of the
+trench opposite to the salient angle of the demibastion of St. _Roch_;
+he could at any time stick a pin upon the identical spot of ground where
+he was standing when the stone struck him: this struck instantly upon my
+uncle _Toby's_ sensorium----and with it, struck his large map of the
+town and citadel of _Namur_ and its environs, which he had purchased and
+pasted down upon a board, by the corporal's aid, during his long
+illness----it had lain with other military lumber in the garret ever
+since, and accordingly the corporal was detached into the garret to
+fetch it.
+
+My uncle _Toby_ measured off thirty toises, with Mrs. _Wadman's_
+scissars, from the returning angle before the gate of St. _Nicolas_; and
+with such a virgin modesty laid her finger upon the place, that the
+goddess of Decency, if then in being--if not, 'twas her shade--shook her
+head, and with a finger wavering across her eyes--forbid her to explain
+the mistake.
+
+Unhappy Mrs. _Wadman!_
+
+----For nothing can make this chapter go off with spirit but an
+apostrophe to thee----but my heart tells me, that in such a crisis an
+apostrophe is but an insult in disguise, and ere I would offer one to a
+woman in distress--let the chapter go to the devil; provided any damn'd
+critic _in keeping_ will be but at the trouble to take it with him.
+
+    [Footnote 9.2: This must be a mistake in Mr. _Shandy_; for
+    _Graaf_ wrote upon the pancreatick juice, and the parts of
+    generation.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+
+
+My uncle _Toby's_ Map is carried down into the kitchen.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+
+
+----And here is the _Maes_--and this is the _Sambre_; said the corporal,
+pointing with his right hand extended a little towards the map and his
+left upon Mrs. _Bridget's_ shoulder----but not the shoulder next
+him--and this, said he, is the town of _Namur_--and this the
+citadel--and there lay the _French_--and here lay his honour and
+myself----and in this cursed trench, Mrs. _Bridget_, quoth the corporal,
+taking her by the hand, did he receive the wound which crush'd him so
+miserably _here_. ----In pronouncing which, he slightly press'd the back
+of her hand towards the part he felt for----and let it fall.
+
+We thought, Mr. _Trim_, it had been more in the middle, ----said Mrs.
+_Bridget_----
+
+That would have undone us for ever--said the corporal.
+
+----And left my poor mistress undone too, said _Bridget_.
+
+The corporal made no reply to the repartee, but by giving Mrs. _Bridget_
+a kiss.
+
+Come--come--said _Bridget_--holding the palm of her left hand parallel
+to the plane of the horizon, and sliding the fingers of the other over
+it, in a way which could not have been done, had there been the least
+wart or protuberance----'Tis every syllable of it false, cried the
+corporal, before she had half finished the sentence----
+
+--I know it to be fact, said _Bridget_, from credible witnesses.
+
+------Upon my honour, said the corporal, laying his hand upon his heart
+and blushing, as he spoke, with honest resentment--'tis a story, Mrs.
+_Bridget_, as false as hell ----Not, said _Bridget_, interrupting him,
+that either I or my mistress care a halfpenny about it, whether 'tis so
+or no------only that when one is married, one would chuse to have such a
+thing by one at least----
+
+It was somewhat unfortunate for Mrs. _Bridget_, that she had begun the
+attack with her manual exercise; for the corporal instantly       *
+*      *      *      *      *      *
+  *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *
+  *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *
+  *      *      *      *.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+
+
+It was like the momentary contest in the moist eye-lids of an _April_
+morning, "Whether _Bridget_ should laugh or cry."
+
+She snatched up a rolling-pin----'twas ten to one, she had laugh'd----
+
+She laid it down----she cried; and had one single tear of 'em but tasted
+of bitterness, full sorrowful would the corporal's heart have been that
+he had used the argument; but the corporal understood the sex, a _quart
+major to a terce_ at least, better than my uncle _Toby_, and accordingly
+he assailed Mrs. _Bridget_ after this manner.
+
+I know, Mrs. _Bridget_, said the corporal, giving her a most respectful
+kiss, that thou art good and modest by nature, and art withal so
+generous a girl in thyself, that, if I know thee rightly, thou would'st
+not wound an insect, much less the honour of so gallant and worthy a
+soul as my master, wast thou sure to be made a countess of----but thou
+hast been set on, and deluded, dear _Bridget_, as is often a woman's
+case, "to please others more than themselves----"
+
+_Bridget's_ eyes poured down at the sensations the corporal excited.
+
+----Tell me----tell me, then, my dear _Bridget_, continued the corporal,
+taking hold of her hand, which hung down dead by her side, ----and,
+giving a second kiss----whose suspicion has misled thee?
+
+_Bridget_ sobb'd a sob or two----then open'd her eyes----the corporal
+wiped 'em with the bottom of her apron----she then open'd her heart and
+told him all.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+
+
+My uncle _Toby_ and the corporal had gone on separately with their
+operations the greatest part of the campaign, and as effectually cut off
+from all communication of what either the one or the other had been
+doing, as if they had been separated from each other by the _Maes_ or
+the _Sambre_.
+
+My uncle _Toby_, on his side, had presented himself every afternoon in
+his red and silver, and blue and gold alternately, and sustained an
+infinity of attacks in them, without knowing them to be attacks--and so
+had nothing to communicate----
+
+The corporal, on his side, in taking _Bridget_, by it had gain'd
+considerable advantages----and consequently had much to
+communicate----but what were the advantages----as well as what was the
+manner by which he had seiz'd them, required so nice an historian, that
+the corporal durst not venture upon it; and as sensible as he was of
+glory, would rather have been contented to have gone bareheaded and
+without laurels for ever, than torture his master's modesty for a single
+moment----
+
+----Best of honest and gallant servants! ----But I have apostrophiz'd
+thee, _Trim!_ once before----and could I apotheosize thee also (that is
+to say) with good company ----I would do it _without ceremony_ in the
+very next page.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+
+
+Now my uncle _Toby_ had one evening laid down his pipe upon the table,
+and was counting over to himself upon his finger ends (beginning at his
+thumb) all Mrs. _Wadman's_ perfections one by one; and happening two or
+three times together, either by omitting some, or counting others twice
+over, to puzzle himself sadly before he could get beyond his middle
+finger ----Prithee, _Trim!_ said he, taking up his pipe again, ----bring
+me a pen and ink: _Trim_ brought paper also.
+
+Take a full sheet----_Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_, making a sign with
+his pipe at the same time to take a chair and sit down close by him at
+the table. The corporal obeyed----placed the paper directly before
+him----took a pen, and dipp'd it in the ink.
+
+--She has a thousand virtues, _Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_----
+
+Am I to set them down, an' please your honour? quoth the corporal.
+
+----But they must be taken in their ranks, replied my uncle _Toby_; for
+of them all, _Trim_, that which wins me most, and which is a security
+for all the rest, is the compassionate turn and singular humanity of her
+character --I protest, added my uncle _Toby_, looking up, as he protested
+it, towards the top of the ceiling ----That was I her brother, _Trim_, a
+thousand fold, she could not make more constant or more tender enquiries
+after my sufferings----though now no more.
+
+The corporal made no reply to my uncle _Toby's_ protestation, but by a
+short cough--he dipp'd the pen a second time into the inkhorn; and my
+uncle _Toby_, pointing with the end of his pipe as close to the top of
+the sheet at the left hand corner of it, as he could get it----the
+corporal wrote down the word HUMANITY - - - - thus.
+
+Prithee, corporal, said my uncle _Toby_, as soon as _Trim_ had done
+it------how often does Mrs. _Bridget_ enquire after the wound on the cap
+of thy knee, which thou received'st at the battle of _Landen?_
+
+She never, an' please your honour, enquires after it at all.
+
+That, corporal, said my uncle _Toby_, with all the triumph the goodness
+of his nature would permit ----That shews the difference in the character
+of the mistress and maid----had the fortune of war allotted the same
+mischance to me, Mrs. _Wadman_ would have enquired into every
+circumstance relating to it a hundred times ----She would have enquired,
+an' please your honour, ten times as often about your honour's
+groin ----The pain, _Trim_, is equally excruciating, ----and Compassion
+has as much to do with the one as the other----
+
+----God bless your honour! cried the corporal----what has a woman's
+compassion to do with a wound upon the cap of a man's knee? had your
+honour's been shot into ten thousand splinters at the affair of
+_Landen_, Mrs. _Wadman_ would have troubled her head as little about it
+as _Bridget_; because, added the corporal, lowering his voice, and
+speaking very distinctly, as he assigned his reason----
+
+"The knee is such a distance from the main body----whereas the groin,
+your honour knows, is upon the very _curtain_ of the _place_."
+
+My uncle _Toby_ gave a long whistle----but in a note which could scarce
+be heard across the table.
+
+The corporal had advanced too far to retire----in three words he told
+the rest----
+
+My uncle _Toby_ laid down his pipe as gently upon the fender, as if it
+had been spun from the unravellings of a spider's web----
+
+------Let us go to my brother _Shandy's_, said he.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+
+
+There will be just time, whilst my uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_ are walking
+to my father's, to inform you that Mrs. _Wadman_ had, some moons before
+this, made a confident of my mother; and that Mrs. _Bridget_, who had
+the burden of her own, as well as her mistress's secret to carry, had
+got happily delivered of both to _Susannah_ behind the garden-wall.
+
+As for my mother, she saw nothing at all in it, to make the least bustle
+about----but _Susannah_ was sufficient by herself for all the ends and
+purposes you could possibly have, in exporting a family secret; for she
+instantly imparted it by signs to _Jonathan_----and _Jonathan_ by tokens
+to the cook as she was basting a loin of mutton; the cook sold it with
+some kitchen-fat to the postillion for a groat, who truck'd it with the
+dairy maid for something of about the same value----and though whisper'd
+in the hay-loft, FAME caught the notes with her brazen trumpet, and
+sounded them upon the house-top --In a word, not an old woman in the
+village or five miles round, who did not understand the difficulties of
+my uncle _Toby's_ siege, and what were the secret articles which had
+delayed the surrender.----
+
+My father, whose way was to force every event in nature into an
+hypothesis, by which means never man crucified TRUTH at the rate he
+did----had but just heard of the report as my uncle _Toby_ set out; and
+catching fire suddenly at the trespass done his brother by it, was
+demonstrating to _Yorick_, notwithstanding my mother was sitting
+by----not only, "That the devil was in women, and that the whole of the
+affair was lust;" but that every evil and disorder in the world, of what
+kind or nature soever, from the first fall of _Adam_, down to my uncle
+_Toby's_ (inclusive), was owing one way or other to the same unruly
+appetite.
+
+_Yorick_ was just bringing my father's hypothesis to some temper, when
+my uncle _Toby_ entering the room with marks of infinite benevolence and
+forgiveness in his looks, my father's eloquence rekindled against the
+passion----and as he was not very nice in the choice of his words when
+he was wroth----as soon as my uncle _Toby_ was seated by the fire, and
+had filled his pipe, my father broke out in this manner.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+
+
+----That provision should be made for continuing the race of so great,
+so exalted and godlike a Being as man --I am far from denying--but
+philosophy speaks freely of everything; and therefore I still think and
+do maintain it to be a pity, that it should be done by means of a
+passion which bends down the faculties, and turns all the wisdom,
+contemplations, and operations of the soul backwards----a passion, my
+dear, continued my father, addressing himself to my mother, which
+couples and equals wise men with fools, and makes us come out of our
+caverns and hiding-places more like satyrs and four-footed beasts than
+men.
+
+I know it will be said, continued my father (availing himself of the
+_Prolepsis_), that in itself, and simply taken----like hunger, or
+thirst, or sleep----'tis an affair neither good or bad--or shameful or
+otherwise. ----Why then did the delicacy of _Diogenes_ and _Plato_ so
+recalcitrate against it? and wherefore, when we go about to make and
+plant a man, do we put out the candle? and for what reason is it, that
+all the parts thereof--the congredients--the preparations--the
+instruments, and whatever serves thereto, are so held as to be conveyed
+to a cleanly mind by no language, translation, or periphrasis whatever?
+
+----The act of killing and destroying a man, continued my father,
+raising his voice--and turning to my uncle _Toby_--you see, is
+glorious--and the weapons by which we do it are honourable ----We
+march with them upon our shoulders ----We strut with them by our
+sides ----We gild them ----We carve them ----We in-lay them ----We
+enrich them ----Nay, if it be but a _scoundrel_ cannon, we cast an
+ornament upon the breach of it.--
+
+----My uncle _Toby_ laid down his pipe to intercede for a better
+epithet----and _Yorick_ was rising up to batter the whole hypothesis to
+pieces----
+
+----When _Obadiah_ broke into the middle of the room with a complaint,
+which cried out for an immediate hearing.
+
+The case was this:
+
+My father, whether by ancient custom of the manor, or as impropriator of
+the great tythes, was obliged to keep a Bull for the service of the
+Parish, and _Obadiah_ had led his cow upon a _pop-visit_ to him one day
+or other the preceding summer ----I say, one day or other--because as
+chance would have it, it was the day on which he was married to my
+father's housemaid----so one was a reckoning to the other. Therefore
+when _Obadiah's_ wife was brought to bed--_Obadiah_ thanked God----
+
+----Now, said _Obadiah_, I shall have a calf: so _Obadiah_ went daily to
+visit his cow.
+
+She'll calve on _Monday_--on _Tuesday_--on _Wednesday_ at the
+farthest----
+
+The cow did not calve----no--she'll not calve till next week----the cow
+put it off terribly----till at the end of the sixth week _Obadiah's_
+suspicions (like a good man's) fell upon the Bull.
+
+Now the parish being very large, my father's Bull, to speak the truth of
+him, was no way equal to the department; he had, however, got himself,
+somehow or other, thrust into employment--and as he went through the
+business with a grave face, my father had a high opinion of him.
+
+----Most of the townsmen, an' please your worship, quoth _Obadiah_,
+believe that 'tis all the Bull's fault----
+
+----But may not a cow be barren? replied my father, turning to Doctor
+_Slop_.
+
+It never happens: said Dr. _Slop_, but the man's wife may have come
+before her time naturally enough ----Prithee has the child hair upon his
+head? --added Dr. _Slop_------
+
+----It is as hairy as I am; said _Obadiah_. ----_Obadiah_ had not been
+shaved for three weeks ----Wheu - - u - - - - u - - - - - - - - cried my
+father; beginning the sentence with an exclamatory whistle----and so,
+brother _Toby_, this poor Bull of mine, who is as good a Bull as ever
+p--ss'd, and might have done for _Europa_ herself in purer times----had
+he but two legs less, might have been driven into Doctors Commons and
+lost his character----which to a Town Bull, brother _Toby_, is the very
+same thing as his life------
+
+L--d! said my mother, what is all this story about?----
+
+A COCK and a BULL, said _Yorick_ ----And one of the best of its kind,
+I ever heard.
+
+
+  [Decorative Text:
+
+    The
+    Temple Press
+    LETCHWORTH
+    ENGLAND]
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+           *       *       *       *
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Errors and Inconsistencies
+
+Inconsistent capitalization of "Christian" or "christian" is unchanged.
+
+Intentional anomalies:
+
+  BOOK IV: CHAPTER XXV:
+  --No doubt, Sir, --there is a whole chapter wanting here ...
+    [the text skips 10 pages (from 146 to 156 in this edition, with
+    a corresponding skip in signature numbers) and one chapter]
+  in this manner, [BRAVO]
+    [printed with a line through the word, as described]
+  please but your own fancy in it. // ------Was ever any thing
+    [these lines are separated by a blank page]
+  I leave this void space  [printed with 1/3 line left blank]
+  BOOK IX: CHAPTER XVIII, CHAPTER XVIII
+    [each chapter heading is at the top of a blank page]
+
+Typographical Errors corrected by transcriber:
+
+  this amiable turn of mind  [or mind]
+  with what good intention and resolution you may  [you way]
+  and a tolerable tune I thought it was  [I though]
+  a dwarf in more articles than one.  [drawf]
+  EARTH NO SUCH FOLKS!  [N O SUCH]
+  the sun in its meridian  [meridan]
+  for doing it to Lord *******.  [too]
+  towards the top of the ceiling  [cieling; _the word occurs elsewhere
+    with "ei"_]
+
+Unchanged Forms:
+
+  [Editor's Introduction]
+  All but a quarter of a century had passed
+    ["all but" appears to mean "almost", i.e. from 1736 to 1759]
+
+  [Primary Text]
+  If thou art not too busy with CANDID  [error for Candide?]
+  [Illustration (full-page black tombstone)]
+    [some editions have two consecutive black pages, positioned
+    immediately after the first "Alas, poor Yorick!"]
+  Footnote 1.3: Pentagraph, an instrument to copy ...
+    [expected form is Pantagraph]
+  between the scarp and counter-scarp
+    [anomalous hyphen may be intentional]
+  fee-farms, knights fees  [may be error for "knights' fees"]
+  470 pounds averdupois  [expected spelling is "avoirdupois"]
+  griping them hard together with one hand  [expected "gripping"]
+  May he be cursed in his reins  [not an error: _renibus_ = kidneys]
+  _ad ixcitandum focum_ (to stir up the fire)
+    [error for "excitandum"]
+  _Trim_ took his off the ground  [missing "hat" may be intentional]
+  and many and many a look of mutual congratulation
+    [probably not an error]
+  in the corner of an old compaigning trunk  [expected "campaigning"]
+  the one, of _Aćtius_,  [error for Ćetius]
+  from _Tartary_ to _Terra del Fuogo_,  [spelling unchanged]
+
+Hyphens and Spaces:
+
+Inconsistent hyphenization or spacing has not been regularized. Words
+found only at line break were handled on a "best guess" basis.
+
+  anywhere and any where  [both forms occur]
+  beforehand and before-hand  [both forms occur at mid-line]
+  hornworks and horn-works
+    [both forms occur at mid-line; line-end occurrences have hyphen]
+  christian (Christian) name and christian-name
+    [both forms occur more than once]
+  be-virtu'd  [the only occurrence of this word is at line-break]
+  shall not be opened again this twelve-/month
+    [all other occurrences of this word are at mid-line: the three
+    preceding have a hyphen; the one following does not]
+
+Punctuation and Typography:
+
+  [Editor's Introduction]
+  for about five years.  [years,]
+
+  [Primary Text]
+  for a stage or two together,  [the comma is intentional]
+  (quoth St. _Thomas!_)  [. missing]
+  'yclept logomachies  [apostrophe in original]
+  rise up against him,  [invisible , at line-end]
+  Because, continued Dr. _Slop_  [, missing]
+  for Mrs. _Shandy_ the mother is
+    ["Shandy" printed in Roman (non-italic) type]
+  'Tis my comfort, however, I am not an obstinate one: therefore
+    [missing paragraph-final punctuation is intentional]
+  _Gordonius_, who (in his cap. 15. _de Amore_)
+    [closing parenthesis missing at line-end]
+  resumed the case at _Limerick_
+    ["Limerick" printed in Roman (non-italic) type]
+  the child looks extremely well, said my father,
+    [final , invisible at line-end]
+  if the _French_ are treacherous
+    ["French" printed in Roman (non-italic) type]
+  --or up to the ears in love  [expected italics missing]
+  I shall never, an' please your honour,  [first , missing at line-end]
+  which _Plato_, I am persuaded, never  [second , missing at line-end]
+  I'll see the rest of these good gentry to-morrow,  [missing comma]
+  the abbess of _Andoüillets'_ itself--  [apostrophe in original]
+  and sing, and say his prayers, and go to heaven  [prayers.]
+  greater than the pain of a wound in the knee----or
+    [the lack of paragraph-final punctuation is intentional]
+
+Greek:
+
+Errors in diacritical marks are not noted here.
+
+  Footnote 5.3: +Chalepęs nosou, kai dusiatou apallagęn+  [+apallagę+]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Life and Opinions of Tristram
+Shandy, Gentleman, by Laurence Sterne
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TRISTRAM SHANDY ***
+
+***** This file should be named 39270-8.txt or 39270-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/2/7/39270/
+
+Produced by Louise Hope, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/old/39270-8.zip b/old/39270-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..932acef
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/39270-8.zip
diff --git a/old/39270-simple.htm b/old/39270-simple.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..921dac1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/39270-simple.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,27754 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+<html xmlns = "http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv = "Content-Type" content = "text/html; charset=UTF-8"
+/>
+
+<title>Tristram Shandy</title>
+
+<style type = "text/css">
+
+body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+
+hr {width: 80%; margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em;
+text-align: center;}
+hr.solid {width: 100%; color: black; background-color: black;
+border-bottom: 1px solid black;}
+
+img {margin: 0; padding: 0; text-decoration: none; border: none;}
+
+em {font-style: normal;}
+
+div.maintext a {text-decoration: none;}
+a.tag {text-decoration: none; vertical-align: .3em; font-size: small;
+padding-left: .25em; line-height: .1em;}
+
+h1, h2, h3, h4, h5, h6 {text-align: center; font-style: normal;
+font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.5; margin-top: .5em;
+margin-bottom: .5em;}
+
+h1 {font-size: 200%;}
+h2 {font-size: 175%;}
+h3 {font-size: 150%; margin-top: 3em; margin-bottom: 1em;
+letter-spacing: .1em;}
+  div.prelim h3 {margin-top: .5em; margin-bottom: .5em;
+letter-spacing: normal;}
+h4 {font-size: 133%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 1em;}
+  div.prelim h4 {font-size: 120%; margin-top: .5em;
+margin-bottom: .5em;}
+  div.endnote h4 {margin-top: 1em;}
+h5 {font-size: 100%; margin-top: 1.5em;}
+  h5.ital {font-style: italic; font-size: 105%;}
+  h5.final {margin-top: .5em; margin-bottom: 1em;}
+  div.verse h5 {margin-right: 33%;}
+h6 {font-size: 85%;}
+
+div.page, div.titlepage, div.prelim
+{padding-top: 4em; padding-bottom: 4em;}
+div.titlepage {letter-spacing: .133em;}
+div.heading {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 15%;}
+
+div.right {margin-left: 50%; text-align: center;}
+div.inset, div.hanging {padding-left: 2em; padding-right: 2em;}
+div.endnote div.hanging p {margin-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;}
+
+div.box {padding: .5em .5em .75em; border: 2px solid black;
+margin: 1em auto; width: 10em;}
+div.prelim div.box {margin: 0 auto; padding-bottom: .5em; width: 17em;
+font-size: 108%;}
+
+div.box + div.box {border-top: none;}
+div.prelim div.box p {margin-top: 0;}
+
+p {margin-top: .5em; margin-bottom: 0; line-height: 1.2;}
+
+p.space {margin-top: 1.25em;}
+p.inset {margin-top: 1.25em; text-indent: 1em;}
+
+p.super {margin-left: 33%;}
+
+p.deephang {margin-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em; clear: both;}
+p.indent {text-indent: 2em;}
+
+p.right {text-align: right; margin-right: 2em;}
+p.justify {text-align: justify;}
+p.center {text-indent: 0; text-align: center;}
+
+p.illustration {text-align: center; margin: 1em auto;}
+
+p.footnote, div.footnote {margin: 2em; font-size: 95%;}
+
+div.verse {margin: .5em 4em;}
+div.verse p {margin-top: 0; margin-left: 4em; text-indent: -4em;}
+div.verse p.indent {margin-left: 5em;}
+div.verse p.indent2 {margin-left: 6em;}
+
+
+/* tables */
+
+table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; margin-top: 1em;
+margin-bottom: 1em; border-collapse: collapse; font-size: inherit;
+font-family: inherit;}
+
+td {vertical-align: top; text-align: left; padding: .1em;}
+
+td.number {text-align: right;}
+
+table.toc {width: 80%;}
+table.toc td {height: 2em;}
+table.toc td.smallcaps {background-repeat: repeat-x;
+background-position: left 35%;
+background-image: url("images/backdots.gif");}
+table.toc td.number {width: 2em;}
+
+tr.book td {padding-top: .75em;}
+table.detail td.number {width: 6em; vertical-align: bottom;}
+
+table.parallel td {width: 49%; padding: 0 .5em;}
+
+table.inline {margin-left: 0; margin-top: .5em; margin-bottom: 0;
+line-height: 1.2;}
+table.inline.super {margin-left: 33%;}
+
+table.inline td {padding: 0;}
+table.inline td.bracket {background-repeat: no-repeat;
+vertical-align: middle;
+background-image: url("images/bracket.gif");
+background-position: left; padding-left: 1em;}
+table.inline td.bracket.rgt {background-image:
+url("images/bracket_rt.gif");
+background-position: right; padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 0;}
+
+div.endnote table p {margin-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em;
+margin-top: 0;}
+
+
+/* text formatting */
+
+.smallroman {text-transform: lowercase;}
+.smallcaps, .smallroman, span.firstword
+{font-variant: small-caps; font-style: normal;}
+
+span.opaque {color: inherit; background-color: #FFF;}
+span.invisible {visibility: hidden;}
+span.locked {white-space: nowrap;}
+
+p.ital, div.ital {font-style: italic;}
+
+.small {font-size: 92%;}
+.smaller {font-size: 83%;}
+p.smaller {line-height: 1.4;}
+.smallest {font-size: 75%;}
+span.tiny {font-size: 50%;}
+
+.extended {letter-spacing: 0.2em; margin-right: -.2em;}
+
+span.blackletter {font-family: sans-serif; font-weight: bold;}
+/* for blackletter */
+
+/* decorative spacing */
+
+span.space25 {word-spacing: 2.5em;}
+span.space35 {word-spacing: 3.5em;}
+
+/* greek translit */
+
+.greek {font-style: normal;}
+
+/* correction popup */
+
+ins.correction {text-decoration: none; border-bottom: thin dotted red;}
+
+/* page number */
+
+span.pagenum {position: absolute; right: 2%; font-size: smaller;
+font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; text-align: right;
+text-indent: 0;}
+span.pagenum.left {left: 2%; text-align: left; text-indent: 0;}
+
+/* Transcriber's Note */
+
+.mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000;
+font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 90%;}
+
+div.mynote {margin: 1em 5%; padding: .5em 1em 1em;}
+p.mynote {margin: 1em 5%; padding: 1em;}
+div.footnote p.mynote {padding: .5em;}
+p.sample {margin: .5em 2em 0; font-family: serif; width: 26.5em;
+text-align: justify;}
+
+div.endnote {padding: .5em 1em 1em; margin: 1em; border: 3px ridge #A9F;
+font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 90%;}
+
+</style>
+
+</head>
+
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy,
+Gentleman, by Laurence Sterne
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
+
+
+Title: The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman
+
+Author: Laurence Sterne
+
+Commentator: George Saintsbury
+
+Release Date: March 26, 2012 [EBook #39270]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TRISTRAM SHANDY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Louise Hope, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class = "maintext">
+
+<div class = "mynote">
+
+<p><b>There are <a name = "start" id = "start">two HTML versions</a> of
+this e-book.</b> The present version is intended mainly for e-book
+readers that use HTML, and simpler mobile devices. It may also be more
+appropriate for some very old browsers.</p>
+
+<p>This e-text uses UTF-8 (Unicode) file encoding. If the apostrophes
+and quotation marks in this paragraph appear as garbage, you may have an
+incompatible browser or unavailable fonts. First, make sure that your
+browser’s “character set” or “file encoding” is set to Unicode (UTF-8).
+You may also need to change the default font.</p>
+
+<p>The text is from the 1912 Everyman edition of <i>Tristram Shandy</i>.
+It reproduces the appearance of that edition, which may not be identical
+in design to editions printed in Sterne’s lifetime. Where this edition
+has an illustration of a tombstone, some editions have two consecutive
+black pages, placed immediately after “Alas, poor Yorick!” For the
+e-text, some line breaks were added to the Latin <i>Excommunicatio</i>
+to accommodate the alternative endings printed between lines.</p>
+
+<p>In the printed book, lines are shorter than in most browsers:</p>
+
+<p class = "sample">
+<span class = "firstword">I wish</span> either my father or my mother,
+or indeed both of them,<!-- <br /> -->
+as they were in duty both equally bound to it, had minded<!-- <br /> -->
+what they were about when they begot me; had they duly<!-- <br /> -->
+consider’d how much depended upon what they were then<!-- <br /> -->
+doing;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>The “<a href = "#bookIII_excomm">Excommunication</a>” and “<a href =
+"#bookIV_slawkenberg">Slawkenbergius</a>” sections were printed with
+Latin and English on facing pages. They are shown here in parallel
+columns. Text shown in <span class = "blackletter">bold sans-serif
+type</span> was printed in blackletter (“Gothic”). Footnotes have been
+renumbered continuously within each Book, and are grouped at the end of
+the Book. The printed text does not distinguish between the author’s
+original footnotes and modern editorial notes.</p>
+
+<p>The editor’s Introduction says:</p>
+
+<div class = "inset">
+<p>No attempt has been made to correct any oddities of spelling that are
+not clearly mere misprints.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>The same principle was used in the e-text. Unless otherwise noted,
+spelling, punctuation and capitalization are as in the original.
+Changes&mdash;and a few unchanged words&mdash;are marked with
+<ins class = "correction" title = "like this">mouse-hover popups</ins>.
+Similarly, all Greek words and phrases have mouse-hover
+transliterations: <span class = "greek" title = "logos">λόγος</span>.
+All brackets are in the original.</p>
+
+<p class = "center">
+<a href = "#intro">Editor’s Introduction</a><br />
+<a href = "#contents">Contents</a><br />
+<a href = "#page1">Tristram Shandy</a><br />
+<a href = "#endnote">Detailed Contents</a><br />
+<a href = "#hyphens">Note on Hyphens</a><br /><br />
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/files/39270/39270-h/complex.htm"><b><big>Click 
+on this line to load the more complex HTML version</big></b></a></p>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class = "prelim">
+
+<div class = "titlepage">
+
+<h3><span class = "extended">EVERYMAN’S LIBRARY</span><br />
+EDITED BY ERNEST RHYS</h3>
+
+<p>&nbsp;<br />&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h3><span class = "extended">FICTION</span></h3>
+
+<p>&nbsp;<br />&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h1>TRISTRAM SHANDY</h1>
+
+<h2><span class = "smallest">WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY</span><br />
+GEORGE SAINTSBURY</h2>
+</div>
+
+<div class = "box">
+<p class = "justify">
+<span class = "smallroman">THIS IS NO.</span> <b>617</b> <span class =
+"smallroman">OF</span> <i>EVERYMAN’S
+LIBRARY</i>. <span class = "smallroman">THE PUBLISHERS WILL BE PLEASED
+TO SEND FREELY TO ALL APPLICANTS A LIST OF THE PUBLISHED AND PROJECTED
+VOLUMES, ARRANGED UNDER THE&nbsp;FOLLOWING SECTIONS:</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class = "box">
+<p class = "center smaller">
+TRAVEL
+<img src = "images/leaf02.png" width = "14" height = "13" alt = "*" />
+SCIENCE
+<img src = "images/leaf02.png" width = "14" height = "13" alt = "*" />
+FICTION<br />
+THEOLOGY &amp; PHILOSOPHY<br />
+HISTORY
+<img src = "images/leaf02.png" width = "14" height = "13" alt = "*" />
+CLASSICAL<br />
+FOR YOUNG PEOPLE<br />
+ESSAYS
+<img src = "images/leaf02.png" width = "14" height = "13" alt = "*" />
+ORATORY<br />
+POETRY &amp; DRAMA<br />
+BIOGRAPHY<br />
+REFERENCE<br />
+ROMANCE<br />
+<img src = "images/dec002.png" width = "78" height = "43"
+alt = "decoration" /></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class = "box">
+<p class = "justify smaller">
+IN FOUR STYLES OF BINDING: CLOTH, FLAT BACK, COLOURED TOP; LEATHER,
+ROUND CORNERS, GILT TOP; LIBRARY BINDING IN CLOTH, &amp; QUARTER
+PIGSKIN</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class = "box">
+<p class = "smallcaps">London: J. M. DENT &amp; SONS, Ltd.</p>
+<p class = "smallcaps">New York: E. P. DUTTON &amp; CO.</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class = "titlepage">
+
+<p class = "illustration">
+<img src = "images/intro04.png" width = "397" height = "624"
+alt = "A TALE WHICH HOLDETH CHILDREN FROM PLAY &amp; OLD MEN FROM THE CHIMNEY CORNER / SIR PHILIP SIDNEY"
+title = "A TALE WHICH HOLDETH CHILDREN FROM PLAY &amp; OLD MEN FROM THE CHIMNEY CORNER / SIR PHILIP SIDNEY" /></p>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class = "titlepage">
+
+<p class = "illustration">
+<img src = "images/intro05.png" width = "397" height = "626"
+alt = "THE LIFE &amp; OPINIONS of TRISTRAM SHANDY * GENTLEMAN By LAURENCE * STERNE // LONDON &amp; TORONTO / J¡M¡DENT &amp; SONS / LTD. * NEW YORK / E¡P¡DUTTON &amp; CO"
+title = "THE LIFE &amp; OPINIONS of TRISTRAM SHANDY * GENTLEMAN By LAURENCE * STERNE // LONDON &amp; TORONTO / J¡M¡DENT &amp; SONS / LTD. * NEW YORK / E¡P¡DUTTON &amp; CO" /></p>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class = "titlepage">
+
+<p class = "center smallcaps">First Issue of this Edition &emsp; .
+&emsp; 1912&nbsp; &emsp; &emsp;</p>
+
+<p class = "center smallcaps">Reprinted &emsp; . &emsp; . &emsp; .
+&emsp; . &emsp; . &emsp; 1915, 1917</p>
+
+</div>
+</div>
+<!-- end div prelim -->
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_vii" id = "intro_vii">vii</a></span>
+
+<h3><a name = "intro" id = "intro">INTRODUCTION</a></h3>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> can hardly be said that Sterne
+was an unfortunate person during his lifetime, though he seems to have
+thought himself so. His childhood was indeed a little necessitous, and
+he died early, and in debt, after some years of very bad health. But
+from the time when he went to Cambridge, things went on the whole very
+fairly well with him in respect of fortune; his ill-health does not seem
+to have caused him much disquiet; his last ten years gave him fame,
+flirting, wandering, and other pleasures and diversions to his heart’s
+content; and his debts only troubled those he left behind him. He
+delighted in his daughter; he was able to get rid of his wife, when he
+was more than usually <i>fatigatus et aegrotus</i> of her, with singular
+ease. During the unknown, or almost unknown, middle of his life he had
+friends of the kind most congenial to him; and both in his time of
+preparation and his time of production in literature, he was able to
+indulge his genius in a way by no means common with men of letters. If
+his wish to die in a certain manner and circumstance was only
+bravado&mdash;and borrowed bravado&mdash;still it was granted; and it is
+quite certain that to him an old age of real illness would have been
+unmitigated torture. Even if we admit the ghastly stories of the fate of
+his remains, there was very little reason why any one should not have
+anticipated Mr. Swinburne’s words on the morrow of Sterne’s death and
+said, “Oh! brother, the gods were good to you,” though even then he
+might have said it with a sort of mental reservation on the question
+whether Sterne had been very good to the gods.</p>
+
+<p>Nemesis, for the purpose of adjusting things, played him the
+exceptionally savage trick of using the intervention of his idolised
+daughter. Little or nothing seems to be known of “Lydia Sterne de
+Medalle,” as she was pleased to sign herself; “Mrs. Medalle,” as her
+bluff British contemporaries call her. But that she must have been
+either a very silly, a&nbsp;very stupid, or an excessively callous
+person, appears certain. It would seem, indeed, to require a combination
+of the flightiness and lack of taste which her father too often
+displayed, with the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_viii" id = "intro_viii">viii</a></span>
+stolidity which (from rather unfair inference through Mrs. Shandy) is
+sometimes supposed to have characterised her mother, to prompt or permit
+a daughter to publish such a collection of letters as those which were
+first given to the world in 1775. Charity, not unsupported by
+probability, has trusted that Madame de Medalle could not read Latin,
+but she certainly could read English; and only an utterly corrupted
+heart, or an incurably dense or feather-brained head, could hide from
+her the fact that not a few of the English letters she published were
+damaging to her father’s character. Her alleged excuse&mdash;that her
+mother, who was then dead, had desired her, if any letters should be
+published under her father’s name, to publish these, and that the
+“Yorick and Eliza” correspondence had appeared&mdash;is utterly
+insufficient. For Mrs. Sterne, of whose conduct we know nothing
+unfavourable, and one or two things decidedly to her credit, could only
+have meant “such of these as will put your father in a favourable
+light,” else she would have published them herself. Yet though Lydia
+could, while taking no editorial trouble whatever, go out of her way to
+make a silly missish apology for publishing a passage in which her
+charms and merits are celebrated, she seems never to have given a
+thought to what she was doing in other ways. Nor were Sterne’s
+misfortunes in this way over with the publication of these things; for
+the subsequently discovered Fourmentelle correspondence sunk him, with
+precise judges, a&nbsp;little deeper. No doubt <i>Tristram Shandy</i>,
+the <i>Sentimental Journey</i>, and the curious stories or traditions
+about their author, were not exactly calculated to give Sterne a very
+high reputation with grave authorities. But it is these unlucky letters
+which put him almost hopelessly out of court. Even the slight relenting
+of fortune which gave him at last, in Mr. Percy Fitzgerald,
+a&nbsp;biographer very good-natured, very indefatigable, and with a
+natural genius for detecting undiscovered facts and documents, only made
+matters worse in some ways. And the consequence is, that it has become a
+commonplace and almost a necessity to make up for praising Sterne’s
+genius by damning his character. Johnson, while declining to deny him
+ability, seems to have been too much disgusted to talk freely about him;
+Scott’s natural kindliness, warm admiration for my Uncle Toby, and total
+freedom from squeamish prudery, seem yet to have left him ill at ease
+and tongue-tied in discussing Sterne; Thackeray, as is well known,
+exceeded all measure in denouncing him; and his chief recent
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_ix" id = "intro_ix">ix</a></span>
+critical biographer, Mr. Traill, who is probably as free from cant,
+Britannic or other, as any man who ever wrote in English, speaks his
+mind in the most unsparing fashion.</p>
+
+<p>For my own part, I do not hesitate to say that I do not think letters
+of this kind ought to be published at all; and though it may seem
+paradoxical or foolish, I&nbsp;am by no means sure that, if they are
+published, they ought to be admitted as evidence. That which is not
+written for the public, is no business of the public’s; and I never read
+letters of this kind, published for the first time, without feeling like
+an eavesdropper.<a class = "tag" name = "tag_I_1" id = "tag_I_1" href =
+"#note_I_1">1</a> Unluckily, the evidence furnished by the letters fits
+in only too well with that furnished by the published works, by his
+favourite cronies and companions, and by his general reputation, so that
+“what the prisoner says” must, no doubt, “be used against him.”</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+It may be doubted whether it was accident or his usual deliberate
+fantasticality that made Sterne, in the well-known summary of his life
+which (very late in&nbsp;it) he drew up for his daughter, devote almost
+the whole space to his childhood. Perhaps it may be accounted for,
+reasonably enough, by supposing that of his later years he thought his
+daughter knew quite as much as he wished her to know, while of the
+middle period he had little or nothing to tell. In fact, of the two
+earlier divisions we still know very little but what he has chosen to
+tell us in one of the most characteristic and not the least charming
+excursions of his pen. Laurence Sterne was, with two sisters, the only
+“permanent child” (to&nbsp;borrow a pleasant phrase of Mr. Traill’s) out
+of a very plentiful but most impermanent family, borne in the most
+inconvenient circumstances possible by Agnes Nuttle or Herbert or
+Sterne, a&nbsp;widow, and daughter or stepdaughter of a sutler of our
+army in Flanders, to Roger, second son of Simon Sterne of Elvington, in
+Yorkshire, who was the third son of Dr. Richard Sterne, Archbishop of
+York. The Sternes were of a gentle if not very distinguished family,
+which, after being seated in Suffolk, migrated to Nottinghamshire. After
+the promotion of the archbishop (who had been a stout cavalier, as
+Master of Jesus at Cambridge, in the bad times), they obtained, as was
+fitting, divers establishments by marriage or benefice in
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_x" id = "intro_x">x</a></span>
+Yorkshire itself. Very little endowment of any kind, however, fell to
+the lot of Roger Sterne, who was an ensign in what ranked later as the
+34th regiment. Laurence, his eldest son, was born at Clonmel, in
+Ireland, where his mother’s relations lived, and just after his father’s
+regiment had been disbanded. It was shortly re-established, however, and
+became the most “marching” of all marching corps; for though its
+headquarters were generally in Ireland, it was constantly being ordered
+elsewhere, and Roger Sterne saw active service both at Vigo and
+Gibraltar. In this latter station he fought a duel of an extremely
+Shandean character “about a goose.” He was run through the body and
+pinned to the wall; whereupon, it is said, he requested his antagonist
+to be so kind as to wipe the plaster off the sword before pulling it out
+of his body. In despite of this thoughtfulness, however, and of an
+immediate recovery, the wound so weakened him that, being ordered to
+Jamaica, he took fever and died there in March 1731. As Lawrence had
+been born on November 24, 1713, he was nearly eighteen; and the family
+had meanwhile been increased by four other children who all died, and a
+youngest daughter, Catherine, who, like the eldest, Mary, lived. Till he
+was about nine or ten the boy followed the exceedingly fluctuating
+fortunes of his family, which he diversified further on by falling
+through, not a millrace, but a going mill. Then he was sent to school at
+Halifax, in Yorkshire, and soon after practically adopted by his cousin
+Sterne of Elvington, who, when the time came, sent him to Jesus College
+at Cambridge, the family connection with which had begun with his
+great-grandfather. He was admitted there on July 6, 1733, being then
+nearly twenty, and took his degree of B.A. in 1736, and that of M.A. in
+1740. The only tradition of his school career is his own story that,
+having written his name on the school ceiling, he was whipped by the
+usher, but complimented as a “boy of genius” by the master, who said the
+name should never be effaced. This anecdote, as might be expected, has
+not escaped the <i>aqua fortis</i> of criticism.</p>
+
+<p>We know practically nothing of Sterne’s Cambridge career except the
+dates above mentioned, the fact of his being elected first to a
+sizarship and then as founder’s kin to a scholarship endowed by
+Archbishop Sterne, and the incident told by himself that he there
+contracted his lifelong friendship with a distant relative and fellow
+Jesus man, John Hall, or John
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xi" id = "intro_xi">xi</a></span>
+Hall Stevenson, of whom more presently. But Sterne had further reason to
+acknowledge that his family stood together. He had no sooner taken his
+degree, than he was taken up by a brother of his father’s, Jaques
+Sterne, a&nbsp;great pluralist in the diocese of York, a&nbsp;very busy
+and masterful person, and a strong Whig and Hanoverian. Under his care,
+Sterne took deacon’s orders in March 1736 at the hands of the Bishop of
+Lincoln; and as soon as, two years later, he had been ordained priest,
+he was appointed to the living of Sutton-on-the-Forest, eight miles from
+York. The uncle and nephew some years later quarrelled
+bitterly&mdash;according to the latter’s account, because he would not
+write “dirty paragraphs in the newspapers,” being “no party man.” That
+Sterne would have been particularly squeamish about what he wrote may be
+doubted; but it is certain that he shows no partisan spirit anywhere,
+and very little interest in politics as such. However, for some years
+his uncle was certainly his active patron, and obtained for him two
+prebends and some other special preferments in connection with the
+diocese and chapter of York, so that he became, as <i>Tristram</i>
+shows, intimately acquainted with cathedral society there.</p>
+
+<p>It has been a steady rule in the Anglican Church (if not, as in the
+Greek, a&nbsp;<i>sine quâ non</i>) that when a man has been provided
+with a living, he should, if he has not done so before, provide himself
+with a wife; and Sterne was a very unlikely man to break good custom in
+this respect. Very soon at least after his ordination he fell in love
+with Elizabeth Lumley, a&nbsp;young lady of a good Yorkshire family, and
+of some little fortune, which, however, for a time she thought “not
+enough” to share with him, but which, as she told him during a fit of
+illness, she left to him in her will. On the strength of two quite
+unauthenticated and, I&nbsp;believe, not now traceable portraits seen by
+this or that person in printshops or elsewhere, she is said to have been
+plain. Certain expressions in Sterne’s letters seem to imply that she
+had a rather exasperatingly steady and not too intelligent will of her
+own; and some twenty or five and twenty years after the marriage,
+M.&nbsp;Tollot, a&nbsp;gossiping Frenchman, with French ideas on the
+duty of husbands and wives going separate ways, said that she wished to
+have a finger in every pie, and pestered “the good and agreeable
+Tristram” with her presence. But Sterne, despite his reckless
+confessions of conjugal indifference, and worse, says nothing serious or
+even ill-natured of her; and one or two
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xii" id = "intro_xii">xii</a></span>
+traits and sayings of hers, especially her refusal to listen to a
+meddlesome person who wished to tell her tales about “Eliza,” seem to
+argue sense and dignity. That in the latter years she cared little to be
+with a husband who had long been “tired and sick” of her is not to her
+discredit. Their daughter, with the almost invariable ill-luck or
+ill-judgment which seems to have attended her, printed certain letters
+of this courtship time, though she gave nothing for many years
+afterwards. The use made of these Strephon or Damon blandishments, in
+contrast with the expressions used by the writer of his wife, and of
+other women, long afterwards, is perhaps a little unfair; but it must be
+admitted that though far too characteristic and amusing to be omitted,
+they are anything but brilliant specimens of their kind. In particular,
+Thackeray’s bitter fun on the ineffably lackadaisical passage, “My L.
+has seen a polyanthus blow in December,” is pretty fully justified.</p>
+
+<p>If, however, the marriage, which, difficulties being removed, took
+place on Easter Monday, March 30, 1741, did not bring lasting happiness
+to Sterne, it probably brought him some at the time, and it certainly
+brought him an accession of fortune; for in addition to what little
+money Miss Lumley had, a&nbsp;friend of hers bestowed the additional
+living of Stillington on her husband. These various sources of income
+must have made a tolerable revenue, which, after the publication of
+<i>Tristram</i>, was further supplemented by yet another benefice given
+him by Lord Falconbridge at Coxwold, a&nbsp;living of no great value,
+but a pleasant place of residence. Add to this the profits of his books
+in the last eight years of his life, which were for that day
+considerable, and it will be seen that, as has been said above, Sterne
+might have been much worse off in this world’s goods than he was. He
+seems, like other people, to have made some rather costly experiments in
+farming; and his way of life latterly, what with his own journeys and
+sojourns in London, and the long separate residence of his wife and
+daughter in France, was expensive. But he complains little of poverty;
+and though he died in debt, much of that debt was due to no fault of
+his, but to the burning of the parsonage of Sutton.</p>
+
+<p>It is all the more remarkable in one way, though the absence of any
+pressure of want may explain it in another, that Sterne’s great literary
+gifts should have remained so long without finding any kind of literary
+expression, unless it was in the newspaper way, in respect to which he
+first obliged and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xiii" id = "intro_xiii">xiii</a></span>
+afterwards disobliged his uncle. There is, I&nbsp;believe, no dispute
+about the fact that he distances, and that by many years, every other
+man of letters of anything like his rank&mdash;except Cowper, whose
+affliction puts him out of comparison&mdash;in the lateness of his
+fruiting time. <ins class = "correction"
+title = "‘almost’, i.e. 1736-1759">All but</ins> a quarter of a century had passed since he took
+his degree when <i>Tristram Shandy</i> appeared; and, putting sermons
+aside, the very earliest thing of his known, <i>The History of a Good
+Watch Coat</i>, only antedated <i>Tristram</i> by two years or rather
+less. He was no doubt “making himself all this time;” but the making
+must have been an uncommonly slow process. Nor did he, like a good many
+writers, occupy the time in preparing what he was afterwards to publish,
+unless in the case of a few of his sermons. It is positively known that
+<i>Tristram</i> was written merely as it was published, and the
+<i>Journey</i> likewise. Nor is even the first by any means a long book.
+It is as nearly as possible the same length as Fielding’s <i>Amelia</i>
+when printed straight on; and even then more allowance has to be made,
+not merely for its free and audacious plagiarisms, but for its
+constantly broken paragraphs, stars, dashes, and other trickeries. If it
+were possible to squeeze it up, as one squeezes a sponge, into the solid
+texture of an ordinary book, I&nbsp;doubt whether it would be very much
+longer than <i>Joseph Andrews</i>.</p>
+
+<p>It will probably be admitted, however, that the idiosyncrasy of the
+writings of Sterne’s last and incomplete decade, even if it be in part
+only an idiosyncrasy of mannerism, is almost great enough to justify the
+nearly three decades of <i>Lehrjahre</i> (starting from his entrance at
+Cambridge) which preceded it. It is true that of the actual occupations
+of these years we know extremely little&mdash;indeed, what we know as
+distinguished from what is guesswork and inference is mostly summed up
+by Sterne’s own current and curvetting pen thus: “I&nbsp;remained near
+twenty years at Sutton, doing duty at both places [<i>i.e.</i>, Sutton
+and Stillington]. I&nbsp;had then very good health. Books, painting,
+fiddling, and shooting were my amusements;” to which he adds only that
+he and the squire of Sutton were not very good friends, but that at
+Stillington the Croft family were extremely kind and amiable. From other
+sources, including, it is true, his own letters&mdash;though the dates
+and allusions of these are so uncertain that they are very doubtful
+guides&mdash;we find that his chief crony during this period, as during
+his life, was the already-mentioned John Hall, who had
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xiv" id = "intro_xiv">xiv</a></span>
+taken to the name of Stevenson, and was master of Skelton Castle,
+a&nbsp;very old and curious house on the border of the Cleveland moors,
+not far from the town of Guisborough. The master of “Crazy”
+Castle&mdash;he liked to give his house this name, which he afterwards
+used in entitling his book of <i>Crazy Tales</i>&mdash;his ways and his
+library, have usually been charged with debauching Sterne’s innocent
+mind, which I should imagine lent itself to that process in a most
+docile and <i>morigerant</i> fashion; but whether this was the case or
+not, it is clear that Stevenson bore no very good reputation. It is not
+certain, but was asserted, that he had been a monk of Medmenham. He
+gathered about him at Skelton a society which, though no such
+imputations were made on it as on that of Wilkes and Dashwood, was of a
+pretty loose kind; he was a humourist, both in the old and the modern
+sense; and his <i>Crazy Tales</i> were, if not very mad, rather sad and
+bad exercises of the imagination.</p>
+
+<p>Amid all this dream- and guess-work, almost the only solid facts in
+Sterne’s life are the births of two daughters, one in 1745, and the
+other two years later. Both were christened Lydia; the first died soon
+after she was born, the second lived to be the darling of both her
+parents, the object of the most respectable emotions of Sterne’s life,
+the wife of an unknown Frenchman, M.&nbsp;de Medalle, and, as has been
+said, the probably unwitting destroyer of her father’s last chance of
+reputation.</p>
+
+<p>Our exuberant nescience in matters Sternian extends up to the very
+publication of <i>Tristram</i>, as far as the determining causes of its
+production are concerned. It is true that in passages of the letters
+Sterne seems to say that his experiment with the pen was prompted by a
+desire to make good some losses in farming, and elsewhere that he was
+tired of employing his brains for other people’s advantage, as he had
+done for some years for an ungrateful person, that is to say, his uncle.
+This last passage was written just before <i>Tristram</i> came out; but
+at no time was Sterne a very trustworthy reporter of his own motives,
+and it would seem that the quarrel with his uncle must have been a good
+deal earlier. At any rate, the year 1759 seems to have been spent in
+writing the first two volumes of the book, and <i>The Life and Opinions
+of Tristram Shandy, Gent.</i>, published by John Hinxham, Stonegate,
+York, but obtainable also from divers London booksellers, appeared on
+the 1st of January 1760. I&nbsp;wish Sterne had thought of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xv" id = "intro_xv">xv</a></span>
+keeping it till the 1st of April, which he would probably then have
+done.</p>
+
+<p>The comparatively short last scenes of his life were as busy and
+varied as his long middle course had been outwardly monotonous. Although
+his book was nominally published at York, he had gone up to London to
+superintend arrangements for its sale there, perhaps not without a hope
+of triumph. If so, Fortune chose not to play him her usual tricks. In
+York, the extreme personality of the book excited interest of a twofold
+and dubious kind; but, to play on some words of Dryden’s, “London liked
+grossly” and swallowed <i>Tristram Shandy</i> whole with singular
+avidity. Its author came to town just in time to enjoy the results of
+this, and was one of the chief lions of the season of 1760,
+a&nbsp;position which he enjoyed with a childish frankness that is not
+the least pleasant thing in his history. One, probably of the least
+important, though by accident one of the best known of his innumerable
+flirtations, with a Miss Fourmentelle, was apparently quenched by this
+distraction when it was on the point of going such lengths that the lady
+had actually come up alone to London to meet Sterne there. He was
+introduced to persons as different as Garrick and Warburton, from the
+latter of whom he received, in rather mysterious circumstances,
+a&nbsp;present of money. He haunted Ministers and Knights of the Garter;
+he was overwhelmed with invitations and callers; and, as has been said,
+he received one very solid present in the shape of the living of
+Coxwold. <i>Tristram</i> went into a second edition rapidly; its author
+was enabled to announce a collection of “<i>Sermons</i> by Mr. Yorick”
+in April; and he went to his new living in the early summer, determined
+to set to work vigorously on more of the work that had been so
+fortunate. By the end of the year he was ready with two more volumes,
+again came up to town, and again, when vols. iii. and iv. had appeared,
+at the end of January 1761, was besieged by admirers. For these two he
+received ÂŁ380 from Dodsley, who had fought shy of the book earlier. They
+were quite as successful as the first pair; and again Sterne stayed all
+the spring and earlier summer in London, returning to Yorkshire to make
+more <i>Shandy</i> in the autumn. He was still quicker over the third
+batch, and it was published in December 1761, when he was again in town,
+but he now meditated a longer flight. His health had been really
+declining, and he obtained leave from the archbishop for a year certain,
+and perhaps two, that he might go to the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xvi" id = "intro_xvi">xvi</a></span>
+south of France. He was warmly received in Paris, where his work had
+obtained a popularity which it has never wholly lost, and the framework
+of fact (including the passport difficulties) for the <i>Sentimental
+Journey</i>, as well as for the seventh volume of <i>Tristram</i>, was
+laid during the spring. His plans were now changed, it being determined
+that his wife and daughter (who had inherited his constitution) should
+join him. They did so after some difficulties, and the consumptive
+novelist, having spent all the winter in one of the worst climates in
+Europe, that of the French capital, started with his family in the
+torrid heats of July for Toulouse, where at last they were established
+about the middle of August.</p>
+
+<p>Toulouse became Sterne’s abode for nearly a year, his headquarters
+for a somewhat longer period, and the home of his wife and daughter,
+with migrations to Bagnères, Montpellier, and a great many other places
+in France, for about five <ins class = "correction"
+title = "text has ,">years.</ins> He himself&mdash;he had been ill at Toulouse, and worse
+at Montpellier&mdash;reached England again (after a short stay in Paris)
+during the early summer of 1764. Nor was it till January 1765 that the
+seventh and eighth volumes of <i>Tristram</i> appeared. As usual Sterne
+went to town to receive the congratulations of the public, which seem to
+have been fairly hearty; for though the instalment immediately preceding
+had not been an entire success, the longer interval had now had its
+effect not merely on the art and materials of the caterer, but on the
+appetite of his guests. He followed this up with two more volumes of
+Sermons, of a much more characteristic kind than his earlier venture in
+this way, and published partly by subscription. These, however, were not
+actually issued till 1766. Meanwhile, in October 1765, Sterne had set
+out for his second attempt in travel on the Continent, which was to
+supply the remaining material for the <i>Sentimental Journey</i>, and to
+be prolonged as far as Naples. Little is known of his winter stay at
+that city and in Rome. On his way homeward he met his wife and daughter
+in Franche-Comté, but at Mrs. Sterne’s request left them there, and went
+on alone to Coxwold.</p>
+
+<p>He reached England in extremely bad health, and never left it again;
+but he had still nearly two years of fairly well filled life to run. The
+ninth, or last volume of <i>Tristram</i> occupied him during the autumn
+of 1766, and was produced with the invariable accompaniment of its
+author’s appearance in London during January 1767. This visit, which
+lasted till May, saw the flirtation with “Eliza” Draper, the young wife
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xvii" id = "intro_xvii">xvii</a></span>
+of an Indian official, who was at home for her health, an affair which
+exalted Sterne in the eyes of eighteenth-century sensibility, especially
+in France, about as much as it has depressed him in the eyes not merely
+of the propriety, not merely of the common sense, but of the romance of
+later times. He was very ill when he got back to Coxwold, but recovered,
+and in October was joined by his wife and daughter. Even then, however,
+the community was a very temporary and divided one, for he took a house
+for them at York, and they were not to stay in England beyond the
+spring. He himself finished what we have of the <i>Sentimental
+Journey</i>, and went to London with it, where it was published rather
+later than usual, on the 27th February 1768. Three weeks later its
+author, at his lodgings at 41 New Bond Street, in the presence only of a
+hired nurse and a footman, who had been sent by some of his friends to
+inquire after him, took a journey other than sentimental, and so far
+unreported. Some odd but not very well authenticated stories gathered
+round his death, which occurred on Friday the 18th March. It was said,
+and it is probable enough, that his gold sleeve-links were stolen by his
+landlady. After his funeral, scantily attended, at the burying-ground of
+St. George’s, Hanover Square, opposite Hyde Park (which used to be known
+by the squalid brown of its unrestored, and afterwards made more hideous
+by the bedizened red of its restored chapel), his body is said to have
+been snatched by resurrection men. And the myth is rounded off by the
+addition that the remains, having been sold to the professor of anatomy
+at Cambridge, were dissected there in public, one of the spectators,
+a&nbsp;friend of Sterne’s, recognising the face too late, and
+fainting.</p>
+
+<p>His affairs, which had never been managed in a very business-like
+manner, were in considerable disorder. Some years before, the
+carelessness of his curate had caused or allowed the parsonage at Sutton
+to be burnt to the ground; and Sterne, besides losing valuable effects
+of his own, was of course liable for the rebuilding. He managed to put
+this off till his death, after which his widow and administratrix was
+sued for dilapidations. These, as she was in very poor circumstances,
+had to be compounded for sixty pounds only, but they probably ranked for
+a much larger sum in the £1100 at which Sterne’s indebtedness was
+reckoned. His widow had a little money of her own: ÂŁ800 was collected
+for her and her daughter at York races; there must have been profits
+from
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xviii" id = "intro_xviii">xviii</a></span>
+the copyrights; and a fresh collection of <i>Sermons</i> was issued by
+subscription. But though very little is known about the pair, they are
+said to have been ill off. They applied first to Wilkes and then to
+Stevenson to write a life of Sterne to prefix to his Works, but neither
+complied. Mr. Fitzgerald, who seldom deserves the curse laid on those
+who use harsh judgment, is very severe on both for this. Yet surely
+each, considering his own reputation, must have felt that he was the
+last person to set Sterne right with the stricter part of society, and
+that to write a “Crazy” or “Shandean” life of him would be a cruel
+crime. It is not known exactly when Lydia married, or when either she or
+her mother died. Mrs. Sterne must have been dead by 1775, the date of
+the publication of the letters; Lydia is said to have perished in the
+French Revolution.</p>
+
+<p>Beginning authorship very late in life, having schooled himself to an
+intensely artificial method, both in style and in construction, and not
+allowed by Fate more than a few years in which to write at all, Sterne,
+as is natural, displays a great uniformity throughout his work. Indeed,
+it might be said that he has written but one book, <i>Tristram
+Shandy</i>. The <i>Sentimental Journey</i> (as&nbsp;to the relative
+merits of which, compared with the earlier and larger work, there is a
+<i>polemos aspondos</i> between the Big-endians and the Little-endians
+of Sternism) is after all only an expansion of the seventh book of
+Tristram, with <i>fioriture</i>, variations, and new divertisements. The
+sermon which occurs so early is an actual sermon of “Yorick’s,” and a
+sufficient specimen of his more serious concionatory vein; many, if not
+most of his letters might have been twined into <i>Tristram</i> without
+being in the least degree more out of place than most of its actual
+contents. And so there is more propriety than depends upon the mere fact
+that <i>Tristram Shandy</i> is the earliest and the largest part of its
+author’s work, in making no extremely scholastic distinction between the
+specially Shandean and the generally Sternian characteristics; for,
+indeed, all Sterne is in it more or less eminently.</p>
+
+<p>No less a critic than M. Scherer has given his sanction to the idea
+that in Sterne we have a special, if not even <i>the</i> special, type
+of the humourist; and probably few people who have given no particular
+thought or attention to the matter, would refuse to agree with him.
+I&nbsp;am myself inclined rather to a demur, or, at any rate, to a
+distinction, though few better
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xix" id = "intro_xix">xix</a></span>
+things have been written about humour itself than a passage in
+M.&nbsp;Scherer’s essay on our author. Sterne has no doubt in a very
+eminent degree the sense of contrast, which all the best critics admit
+to be the root of humour&mdash;the note of the humourist. But he has it
+partially, occasionally, and, I&nbsp;should even go as far as to say,
+not <i>greatly</i>. The <i>great</i> English humourists, I&nbsp;take it,
+are Shakespeare, Swift, Fielding, Thackeray, and Carlyle. All
+these&mdash;even Fielding, whose eighteenth-century manner, the
+contemporary and counterpart of Sterne’s, cannot hide the
+truth&mdash;apply the humourist contrast, the humourist sense of the
+irony of existence, to the great things, the <i>prima et novissima</i>.
+They see, and feel, and show the simultaneous sense of Death and Life,
+of Love and Loss, of the Finite and the Infinite. Sterne stops a long
+way short of this; <i>les grands sujets lui sont dĂŠfendus</i> in another
+sense than La Bruyère’s. It is scarcely too much to say that his
+ostentatious preference for the <i>bagatelle</i> was a real, and not in
+the least affected fact. Nowhere, not in the true pathos of the famous
+deathbed letter to Mrs. James, not in the, as it seems to me, by no
+means wholly true pathos of the Le Fever episode, does he pierce to “the
+accepted hells beneath.” He has an unmatched command of the lesser and
+lower varieties of the humorous contrast&mdash;over the odd, the petty,
+the queer, above all, over what the French untranslatably call the
+<i>saugrenu</i>. His forte is the foible; his <i>cheval de bataille</i>,
+the hobby-horse. If you want to soar into the heights, or plunge into
+the depths of humour, Sterne is not for you. But if you want what his
+own generation called a frisk on middle, <i>very</i> middle-earth,
+a&nbsp;hunt in curiosity-shops (especially of the technically “curious”
+description), a&nbsp;peep into all manner of <i>coulisses</i> and
+behind-scenes of human nature, a&nbsp;ride on a sort of intellectual
+switchback, a&nbsp;view of moral, mental, religious, sentimental dancing
+of all the kinds that have delighted man, from the rope to the skirt,
+then have with Sterne in any direction he pleases. He may sometimes a
+very little disgust you, but you will seldom have just cause to complain
+that he disappoints and deceives.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gent.</i> (which, as it
+has been excellently observed, is in reality based on the life of the
+gent’s uncle, and the opinions of the gent’s father), is the largest and
+in every way the chief field for these diversions. The apparatus, and,
+so far as there can be said to have been one, the object with which
+Sterne marked it out
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xx" id = "intro_xx">xx</a></span>
+and filled it up, are clear, and even the former must have been clear
+enough to anybody of some reading and some intelligence long before the
+excellent Dr. Ferriar, in the spirit of a reverent iconoclast, set
+himself to work to point out Sterne’s exact indebtedness to Rabelais,
+Burton, Beroalde (if&nbsp;Beroalde wrote the <i>Moyen de Parvenir</i>),
+Bruscambille, and the rest. Of this particular part of the matter I do
+not think it necessary to say much. The charge of plagiarism is usually
+an excessively idle one; for when a man of genius steals, he always
+makes the thefts his own; and when a man steals without genius, the
+thefts are mere fairy gold which turns to leaves and pebbles under his
+hand. No doubt Sterne “lifted” in <i>Tristram</i>, and still more in the
+<i>Sermons</i>, with rather more freedom and audacity than most men of
+genius; but when we remember that he took Burton’s denunciation of the
+practice and reproduced it (all but in Burton’s very words) as his own,
+it must be clear to any one who is not very dull indeed that he was
+playing an audacious practical joke. Where he is best, he does not steal
+at all, and that is the only point of real importance.</p>
+
+<p>It is somewhat more, I think, the business of the critic (who is here
+more especially bound not to look only at the stop-watch) to note the
+far more striking way in which Sterne borrowed, not actual passages and
+words, but manner and style. Here, perhaps, we shall find him accountant
+for a greater debt; and here also we may think that though his genius is
+indisputable, he gives more reason to those who should deny him the
+highest kind of genius. Beyond doubt not merely his reading, but his
+temper and his characteristics of all kinds, inclined him to the style
+to which the French fifteenth and sixteenth centuries gave the name of
+<i>fatrasie</i>, or pillar-to-post divagation, with more or less of a
+covert satiric aim. But if we compare the dealing of Swift with Cyrano
+de Bergerac, the dealing of Fielding with the romance and novel as it
+existed before his time, nay, the dealing of Shakespeare with the
+Marlowe drama, we shall note a marked difference in Sterne’s procedure.
+Nobody, even in his own day, who knew Rabelais at all could fail to
+detect the almost servile following of manner in great things and in
+small which <i>Tristram</i> displays. No one&mdash;a&nbsp;much smaller
+designation&mdash;who knows the strange, unedifying, but very far from
+commonplace book of which, as I have hinted, I&nbsp;never can quite
+believe that Beroalde de Verville was the author, can fail to detect an
+even closer,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xxi" id = "intro_xxi">xxi</a></span>
+though a somewhat less obvious and, so to speak, less verifiable
+following here.</p>
+
+<p>In another region&mdash;the purgatory of all Sterne’s
+commentators&mdash;we can trace this corrupt following as distinctly at
+least, though it has, I&nbsp;think, been less often definitely
+attributed. Sterne’s too celebrated indecency, is, with one exception,
+<i>sui generis</i>. No doubt much nonsense has been and is talked about
+“indecency” in general literature. When it is indulged, as it has been,
+for instance, in French of late, it becomes a nuisance of the most
+loathsome kind. It is always perhaps better left alone. But if it be a
+sin to laugh now and then frankly at what were once called “gentlemen’s
+stories,” then not merely many a gallant, noble, and not unwise
+gentleman, but I fear not a few ladies, both fair and fine, are damned,
+with Shakespeare and Scott and Southey, with Margaret of Navarre and
+Marie de SĂŠvignĂŠ, to keep them in countenance. Yet to merit indulgence,
+this questionable quality, in addition to being treated as genius
+treats, must have certain sub-qualities, or freedoms from quality, of
+its own. It must not be brutal and inhuman, since the quality of
+humanity is the main thing that saves it. It must not be underhand and
+sniggering. It must be frank and jovial, or frank and passionate.
+Perhaps, in some cases, it may be saved, as Swift’s is to a great
+extent, by the overmastering pessimism of despair, which enforces its
+contempt of man and man’s fate by bringing forward these evidences of
+his weakness. But Sterne can plead none of these exemptions. He has
+neither the frank laughter of Aristophanes and Rabelais, nor the frank
+passion of Catullus and Donne. He was incapable of feeling any <i>sĂŚva
+indignatio</i> whatever. The attraction of the thing for him was,
+I&nbsp;fear, merely the attraction of the improper, because it is
+improper; because it shocks people, or makes them blush, or gives them
+an unholy little quiver of sordid shamefaced delectation. His famous
+apology of the child playing on the floor and showing in innocence what
+is not usually shown, was desperately unlucky. For his displays are
+those of educated and economic un-innocency. And he took this manner,
+I&nbsp;am nearly sure, wholly and directly from Voltaire, who enjoys the
+unenviable copyright and patent of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>The third characteristic which Sterne took from others, which dyed
+his work deeply, and which injured more than it helped it, was his
+famous, his unrivalled, Sensibility or Sentimentalism.
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xxii" id = "intro_xxii">xxii</a></span>
+A great deal has been written about this admired eighteenth-century
+device, and there is no space here for discussing it. Suffice it to say,
+that although Sterne certainly did not invent it&mdash;it had been
+inculcated by two whole generations of French novelists before him, and
+had been familiar in England for half a century&mdash;he has the glory,
+such as it is, of carrying it to the farthest possible. The dead donkey
+and the live donkey, the latter (as&nbsp;I humbly but proudly join
+myself to Mr. Thackeray and Mr. Traill in thinking) far the finer
+animal; Le Fever and La Fleur; Maria and Eliza; Uncle Toby’s fly, and
+poor Mrs. Sterne’s antenuptial polyanthus; the stoics that Mr. Sterne
+(with a generous sense that he was in no danger of that lash) wished to
+be whipped, and the critics from whom he would have fled from Dan to
+Beersheba to be delivered;&mdash;all the celebrated persons and passages
+of his works, all the decorations and fireworks thereof, are directed
+mainly to the exhibition of <i>Sensibility</i>, once so charming, now,
+alas! hooted and contemned of the people!</p>
+
+<p>And now it will be possible to have done with his foibles, all the
+rest in Sterne being for praise, with hardly any mixture of blame. We
+have seen what he borrowed from others, mostly to his hurt; let us now
+see what he contributed of his own, almost wholly to his credit and
+advantage. He had, in the first place, what most writers when they begin
+almost invariably and almost inevitably lack, a&nbsp;long and carefully
+amassed store, not merely of reading, but of observation of mankind.
+Although his nearly fifty years of life had been in the ordinary sense
+uneventful, they had given him opportunities which he had amply taken.
+A&nbsp;“son of the regiment,” he had evidently studied with the greatest
+and most loving care the ways of an army which still included a large
+proportion of Marlborough’s veterans; and it has been constantly and
+reasonably held that his chief study had been his father, whom he
+evidently adored in a way. Roger Sterne is the admitted model of my
+Uncle Toby; and I at least have no doubt that he was the original of Mr.
+Shandy also, for some of the qualities which appear in his son’s
+character of him are Walter’s, not Toby’s. It would have required,
+perhaps, even greater genius than Sterne possessed, and an environment
+less saturated with the delusive theory of the “ruling passion,” to have
+given us the mixed and blended temperament instead of separating it into
+two gentlemen at once, and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xxiii" id = "intro_xxiii">xxiii</a></span>
+making Walter Shandy all wayward intellect, and Tobias all gentle
+goodness. But if it had been done&mdash;as Shakespeare perhaps alone
+could have done it&mdash;we should have had a greater and more human
+figure than either. Mr. Shandy would then never have come near, as he
+does sometimes, to being a bore; and my Uncle Toby (if&nbsp;I may say so
+without taking the wings of the morning to flee from the wrath of the
+extreme Tobyolaters) would have been saved from the occasional
+appearance of being something like a fool.</p>
+
+<p>Still, these two are delightful even in their present dichotomy; and
+Sterne was amply provided by his genius, working on his experience, with
+company for them. His fancy portrait of himself as “Yorick” (his
+unfeigned Shakespearianism is one of his best traits) is a little vague
+and fantastic; and that of Eugenius, which is supposed to represent John
+Hall Stevenson, is almost as slight as it is flattering. But Dr. Slop,
+who is known to have been drawn (with somewhat unmerciful fidelity in
+externals, but not at all unkindly when we look deeper) from Dr. Burton,
+a&nbsp;well-known Jacobite practitioner who had suffered from the
+Hanoverian zeal of Yorick’s uncle Jaques in the ’45, is a masterpiece.
+The York dignitaries are veritable etchings in outline, more instinct
+with life and individuality than a thousand elaborately painted
+pictures; all the servants, Obadiah, Susannah, Bridget, and the rest,
+are the equals of Fielding’s, or of Thackeray’s domestics; and though
+Tristram himself is the shadow of a shade, I&nbsp;confess that I seem to
+see a vivid portrait in the three or four strokes which alone give us
+“my dear, dear Jenny.” Mr. Fitzgerald, succumbing to a not unnatural
+temptation, considering the close juxtaposition in time, approximates
+this to the “dear, dear Kitty” of the letters to Miss Catherine de
+Fourmentelle. But this, taking all things together, would be a rather
+serious <i>scandalum damigellarum</i>; and I do not think it necessary
+to identify, though the traits seem to me to suit not ill with the few
+genuine ones in the letters about Mrs. Sterne herself. That the “dear,
+dear” should be ironical more or less is quite Shandean. All these, if
+not drawn directly from individuals (the lower exercise), are first
+generalised and then precipitated into individuality from a large
+observation (which is the infinitely higher and better). I&nbsp;fear I
+must except Widow Wadman, save in the sentry-box scene, from this
+encomium. But then Widow Wadman is not really a real person. She is
+partly an instrument to put my Uncle Toby through some
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xxiv" id = "intro_xxiv">xxiv</a></span>
+new motions, and partly a cue to enable Sterne to indulge in his worst
+foible. As for Trim, <i>quis vituperavit</i> Trim? The lover of the
+“popish clergywoman” is simply perfect, with a not much less good heart
+and a much better head than his master’s, and in his own degree hardly
+less of a gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>The manner in which these delightful persons (I observe with shame
+that I had omitted the modest worth of Mrs. Shandy, nearly the most
+delightful of them all) are introduced to the reader, may have suffered
+a little from that corrupt following of which enough has been said.
+I&nbsp;can only say, that I would compound for a good deal more
+corruption of the same kind, allied with a good deal less genius. It can
+scarcely be doubted that there was a real pre-established harmony
+between Sterne’s gifts and the <i>fatrasie</i> manner; certainly this
+manner, if it sometimes exhibited his weaknesses, gave rare
+opportunities to his strength. And the same may be said of his style. He
+might certainly have given us less of the typographical tricks with
+which he chose to bedizen and bedaub it, and sometimes in his
+ultra-Rabelaisian moods&mdash;I&nbsp;do not mean of <i>gauloiserie</i>
+but of sheer fooling&mdash;we feel the falsetto rather disastrously. It
+is constantly forgotten by unfavourable critics of Rabelais that his
+extravagances were to a great extent, at any rate, quite natural
+outbursts of animal spirits. The Middle Ages, though it has become the
+fashion with those who know nothing about them to represent them as ages
+of gloom, were probably the merriest time of this world’s history; and
+the Reformation and the Renaissance, with their pedantry and their
+puritanism, and worst of all their physical science, had not quite
+killed the merriment when Rabelais wrote. But though animal spirits
+still survived in Sterne’s day, it cannot be said that in England, any
+more than elsewhere, there was much genuine merriment of the honest,
+childish, mediĂŚval kind, and thus his manner perpetually jars. Still the
+style, independently of the tricks, was excellently suited for the work.
+It is a moot point how far the extremely loose and ungirt character of
+this style, which sometimes, and indeed often, reaches sheer
+slovenliness and solecism, was intentional. I&nbsp;think myself that it
+was nearly as deliberate as the asterisks, and the black and marble
+pages. We know from the <i>Sermons</i> that Sterne could write carefully
+enough when he chose, and we know from the MS. of the <i>Journey</i>
+that he corrected sedulously. Nor is it likely that he had the excuse of
+hurry. The shortest time that he ever took over one
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xxv" id = "intro_xxv">xxv</a></span>
+of his two-volume batches was more than six months; and looking at the
+practice, not of miracles of industry and facility like Scott, but of
+rather dilatory writers like Thackeray, one would think that the
+quantity (which is not more than a couple of hundred pages of one of
+these present volumes) might be written in little more than six weeks.
+At any rate, the style, conversational, unpretentious, too easy to be
+jerky, and yet too broken to be sustained, suits subject and scheme as
+few others could.</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+But there is perhaps little need to say more about a book which, though
+some say that few read it through nowadays, is thoroughly well known in
+outline and in its salient passages, and which will pretty certainly lay
+hold of all fit readers as soon as they take to it. Of its writer a very
+little more may perhaps be said, all the more so because those who, not
+understanding critical admiration, think that biographers and editors
+ought not only to be just and a little kind, but extravagantly partial
+to their subjects, may conceive that I have been a little unjust, or, at
+any rate, a&nbsp;little unkind to Sterne. If so, they have not read his
+own extremely ingenious, and in general, if not in particular, very
+sound attack on the adage <i>de mortuis</i>. But if not <i>nil nisi</i>,
+there is yet very much <i>bonum</i> to be said of Sterne. He was not
+merely endowed with a singular and essential genius; he was not merely
+the representative and mouthpiece, in a way hardly surpassed by any one,
+of a certain way of thought and feeling more or less peculiar to his
+time. These were his merits, his very great merits as a writer. But he
+had others, and great, if not very great ones, as a man. Though never
+rich, he seems to have been free from the fault of parsimony; and albeit
+he died in debt, not deeply tainted with that of extravagance in money
+matters. For most of his later expenditure was on others, and he might
+justly calculate on his pen paying, and more than paying, his shot.
+Little love as there was lost between him and his wife, he always took
+the greatest care to provide for her wants in the rather costly
+severance of their establishments, and never even in his most indiscreet
+moments hints a grumble at her expenditure, a&nbsp;vice of which some
+people of much higher general reputation have been known to be guilty.
+Though he was certainly pleased at the attentions of “the great,”
+I&nbsp;do not know that there is any just cause for accusing him of
+truckling to, or fawning on them beyond the custom and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xxvi" id = "intro_xxvi">xxvi</a></span>
+courtesy of the time. For all his reckless humour, there was no
+ill-nature in him. His worst enemies have admitted that his affection
+for his daughter was very pretty and quite unaffected; and his letters
+to and of Mrs. James show that he could think of a woman nobly and
+wholesomely as a friend, for all his ignoble and unwholesome ways of
+thought in regard to the sex. If it had not been for the cruel
+indiscretion of his Lydia (which, however, has something of the old
+virtue of conveying the balm as well as the sting), he would probably
+have been much better thought of than he is. And considering the
+delightful books here once more presented, I&nbsp;think we may consent
+to forgive the faults which, after all, were mainly his own business,
+for the merits by which we so largely benefit and for which he reaped no
+over-bounteous guerdon.</p>
+
+<p class = "right">
+GEORGE SAINTSBURY.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "biblio" id = "biblio">&nbsp;</a></p>
+
+<p class = "small space">
+<span class = "smallcaps">Works.</span>&mdash;The Life and Opinions of
+Tristram Shandy, Vols. I. and II., 1759; III. and IV., 1761; V. and VI.,
+1762; VII. and VIII., 1765; IX., 1767; first collected edition, 1767;
+numerous later editions, chiefly of recent date. Sermons of Mr. Yorick,
+Vols. I. and II., 1760; III. and IV., 1766; V., VI., and VII., 1769.
+A&nbsp;Sentimental Journey, 1768; many later editions; Letters from
+Yorick to Eliza, 1775; Sterne’s Letters to his Friends on Various
+Occasions, 1775; Letters of Laurence Sterne to his most intimate
+friends, 1775; Original Letters never before published, 1788; Letters of
+Yorick and Eliza, 1807; Seven Letters written by Sterne and his Friends,
+hitherto unpublished, 1844; Unpublished Letters of Laurence Sterne,
+edited by J.&nbsp;Murray, 1856.</p>
+
+<p><span class = "small">
+Collected editions of the works of Laurence Sterne appeared in 1779,
+1780; edited by G.&nbsp;Saintsbury, 1894; by Wilbur L. Cross,
+1906.</span></p>
+
+<p class = "small space">
+<span class = "smallcaps">Life.</span>&mdash;An account of the life and
+writings of the author is prefixed to the edition of his Works, 1779;
+a&nbsp;life of the author written by himself in edition of works, 1780;
+by Sir W. Scott in edition of Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy,
+1867; by H.&nbsp;D. Traill, 1878; by P.&nbsp;H. Fitzgerald, 1896;
+Laurence Sterne in Germany, by H.&nbsp;W. Thayer, 1905; Life and Times,
+by Wilbur L. Cross, 1909; A&nbsp;Study, by Walter S. Sichel, 1910; Life
+and Letters, by Lewis Melville, 1911.</p>
+
+<p class = "footnote">
+<a name = "note_I_1" id = "note_I_1" href = "#tag_I_1">1.</a>
+It is perhaps barely necessary to observe that the parallel does not
+extend to a further parallel between republication and tale-bearing.
+Once published, the thing is public.</p>
+
+
+<div class = "page">
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xxvii" id = "intro_xxvii">xxvii</a></span>
+
+<div class = "heading">
+<p class = "ital">
+⁂ <a name = "text" id = "text">The text</a> which has been here adopted
+is that of the ten-volume edition, first printed in <em>1781</em>, and
+reprinted several times before the end of the century, which is as near
+as anything to the “standard” Sterne. It seems, however, to have had no
+competent editing; and the renumbering of the chapters to suit the
+<em>four</em> volumes, in which <em>Tristram</em> was printed,
+completely upsets the original and important division into <em>nine</em>
+volumes, or books, which has here, as in some other editions, been
+restored. Another piece of thoughtlessness was that of sticking the
+Dedication, which originally came between the eighth and ninth volumes,
+or books, at the beginning of the <em>fourth</em> volume as reprinted,
+thereby making nonsense or puzzle of Sterne’s joke about <em>à
+priori</em>. It should be observed that the Dedication to Pitt, which
+here leads off, was not prefixed till the <em>second</em> edition of the
+original, and that sometimes in the last-century editions it appears
+displaced at a later spot. No attempt has been made to correct any
+oddities of spelling that are not clearly mere misprints.</p>
+
+</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "intro_xxviii" id = "intro_xxviii">xxviii</a></span>
+
+<h3 class = "extended">
+<a name = "contents" id = "contents">CONTENTS</a></h3>
+
+<table class = "toc" summary = "table of contents">
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td class = "smallest">
+PAGE</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class = "smallcaps"><span class = "opaque">Book I.&nbsp;</span></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page3">3</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class = "smallcaps"><span class = "opaque">Book
+II.&nbsp;</span></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page59">59</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class = "smallcaps"><span class = "opaque">Book
+III.&nbsp;</span></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page113">113</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class = "smallcaps"><span class = "opaque">Book
+IV.&nbsp;</span></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page176">176</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class = "smallcaps"><span class = "opaque">Book V.&nbsp;</span></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page251">251</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class = "smallcaps"><span class = "opaque">Book
+VI.&nbsp;</span></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page300">300</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class = "smallcaps"><span class = "opaque">Book
+VII.&nbsp;</span></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page349">349</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class = "smallcaps"><span class = "opaque">Book
+VIII.&nbsp;</span></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page395">395</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class = "smallcaps"><span class = "opaque">Book
+IX.&nbsp;</span></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page441">441</a></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+<div class = "page">
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page1" id = "page1">1</a></span>
+
+<h2><a name = "titlepage" id = "titlepage">
+<span class = "small">THE LIFE AND OPINIONS</span></a><br />
+<span class = "tiny">OF</span><br />
+<span class = "extended">TRISTRAM SHANDY</span><br />
+<span class = "smaller">GENTLEMAN</span></h2>
+
+<div class = "heading">
+<p class = "center">
+<span class = "greek"
+title = "Tarassei tous Anthrôpous ou ta Pragmata,">Ταράσσει τοὺς Ἀνθρώπους οὐ τὰ Πράγματα,</span><br />
+<span class = "greek" title = "Alla ta peri tôn Pragmatôn Dogmata.">ៈΝΝὰ
+τὰ περὶ τῶν Πραγμάτων Δόγματα.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class = "page">
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page2" id = "page2">2</a></span>
+
+<h3><a name = "dedic_pitt" id = "dedic_pitt">
+<span class = "smaller">TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE</span></a><br />
+<span class = "extended">MR. PITT</span></h3>
+
+<p><span class = "smallcaps">Sir</span>,&mdash;Never poor Wight of a
+Dedicator had less hopes from his Dedication, than I have from this of
+mine; for it is written in a bye corner of the kingdom, and in a retir’d
+thatch’d house, where I live in a constant endeavour to fence against
+the infirmities of ill health, and other evils of life, by mirth; being
+firmly persuaded that every time a man smiles,&mdash;&mdash;but much
+more so, when he laughs, it adds something to this Fragment of Life.</p>
+
+<p>I humbly beg, Sir, that you will honour this book, by taking
+it&mdash;&mdash;(not under your Protection,&mdash;&mdash;it must protect
+itself, but)&mdash;&mdash;into the country with you; where, if I am ever
+told, it has made you smile; or can conceive it has beguiled you of one
+moment’s pain&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;shall think myself as happy as a
+minister of state;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;perhaps much happier than any one
+(one only excepted) that I have read or heard&nbsp;of.</p>
+
+<div class = "right">
+<p class = "center">
+I am, <span class = "smallroman">GREAT SIR</span>,<br />
+(and what is more to your Honour)<br />
+I am, <span class = "smallroman">GOOD SIR</span>,<br />
+Your Well-wisher, and<br />
+most humble Fellow-subject,</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class = "right">
+THE AUTHOR.</p>
+
+</div>
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page3" id = "page3">3</a></span>
+
+<h2><span class = "small">THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF</span><br />
+TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT.</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><a name = "bookI" id = "bookI">BOOK I</a></h3>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapI" id = "bookI_chapI">
+CHAPTER I</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I wish</span> either my father or my
+mother, or indeed both of them, as they were in duty both equally bound
+to it, had minded what they were about when they begot me; had they duly
+consider’d how much depended upon what they were then doing;&mdash;that
+not only the production of a rational Being was concerned in it, but
+that possibly the happy formation and temperature of his body, perhaps
+his genius and the very cast of his mind;&mdash;and, for aught they knew
+to the contrary, even the fortunes of his whole house might take their
+turn from the humours and dispositions which were then
+uppermost;&mdash;&mdash;Had they duly weighed and considered all this,
+and proceeded accordingly,&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am verily persuaded I
+should have made a quite different figure in the world from that in
+which the reader is likely to see me.&mdash;Believe me, good folks, this
+is not so inconsiderable a thing as many of you may think it;&mdash;you
+have all, I&nbsp;dare say, heard of the animal spirits, as how they are
+transfused from father to son, &amp;c., &amp;c.&mdash;and a great deal
+to that purpose:&mdash;Well, you may take my word, that nine parts in
+ten of a man’s sense or his nonsense, his successes and miscarriages in
+this world depend upon their motions and activity, and the different
+tracts and trains you put them into, so that when they are once set
+a-going, whether right or wrong, ’tis not a halfpenny matter,&mdash;away
+they go cluttering like hey-go mad; and by treading the same steps over
+and over again, they presently make a road of it, as plain and as smooth
+as a garden-walk, which, when they are once used to, the Devil himself
+sometimes shall not be able to drive them off&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pray, my Dear</i>, quoth my mother, <i>have you not forgot to wind
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page4" id = "page4">4</a></span>
+up the clock?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Good G&mdash;!</i> cried my father,
+making an exclamation, but taking care to moderate his voice at the same
+time,&mdash;&mdash;<i>Did ever woman, since the creation of the world,
+interrupt a man with such a silly question?</i> Pray, what was your
+father saying?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Nothing.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapII" id = "bookI_chapII">
+CHAPTER II</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Then, positively, there is nothing in the
+question that I can see, either good or bad.&mdash;&mdash;Then, let me
+tell you, Sir, it was a very unseasonable question at
+least,&mdash;because it scattered and dispersed the animal spirits,
+whose business it was to have escorted and gone hand in hand with the
+<i>HOMUNCULUS</i>, and conducted him safe to the place destined for his
+reception.</p>
+
+<p>The <span class = "smallcaps">Homunculus</span>, Sir, in however low
+and ludicrous a light he may appear, in this age of levity, to the eye
+of folly or prejudice;&mdash;to the eye of reason in scientifick
+research, he stands confess’d&mdash;a&nbsp;<span class =
+"smallcaps">Being</span> guarded and circumscribed with
+rights.&mdash;&mdash;The minutest philosophers, who, by the bye, have
+the most enlarged understandings (their souls being inversely as their
+enquiries), shew us incontestably, that the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Homunculus</span> is created by the same
+hand,&mdash;engender’d in the same course of nature,&mdash;endow’d with
+the same locomotive powers and faculties with us:&mdash;That he consists
+as we do, of skin, hair, fat, flesh, veins, arteries, ligaments, nerves,
+cartilages, bones, marrow, brains, glands, genitals, humours, and
+articulations;&mdash;is a Being of as much activity,&mdash;and, in all
+senses of the word, as much and as truly our fellow-creature as my Lord
+Chancellor of <i>England</i>.&mdash;He may be benefited,&mdash;he may be
+injured,&mdash;he may obtain redress;&mdash;in a word, he has all the
+claims and rights of humanity, which <i>Tully</i>, <i>Puffendorf</i>, or
+the best ethick writers allow to arise out of that state and
+relation.</p>
+
+<p>Now, dear Sir, what if any accident had befallen him in his way
+alone!&mdash;or that, through terror of it, natural to so young a
+traveller, my little Gentleman had got to his journey’s end miserably
+spent;&mdash;his muscular strength and virility worn down to a
+thread;&mdash;his own animal spirits ruffled beyond
+description,&mdash;and that in this sad disordered state of nerves, he
+had lain down a prey to sudden starts, or a series of melancholy dreams
+and fancies, for nine long, long months together.&mdash;I
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page5" id = "page5">5</a></span>
+tremble to think what a foundation had been laid for a thousand
+weaknesses both of body and mind, which no skill of the physician or the
+philosopher could ever afterwards have set thoroughly to rights.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapIII" id = "bookI_chapIII">
+CHAPTER III</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">To</span> my uncle Mr. <i>Toby Shandy</i>
+do I stand indebted for the preceding anecdote, to whom my father, who
+was an excellent natural philosopher, and much given to close reasoning
+upon the smallest matters, had oft, and heavily complained of the
+injury; but once more particularly, as my uncle <i>Toby</i> well
+remember’d, upon his observing a most unaccountable obliquity
+(as&nbsp;he call’d&nbsp;it) in my manner of setting up my top, and
+justifying the principles upon which I had done it,&mdash;the old
+gentleman shook his head, and in a tone more expressive by half of
+sorrow than reproach,&mdash;he said his heart all along foreboded, and
+he saw it verified in this, and from a thousand other observations he
+had made upon me, That I should neither think nor act like any other
+man’s child:&mdash;<i>But alas!</i> continued he, shaking his head a
+second time, and wiping away a tear which was trickling down his cheeks,
+<i>My Tristram’s misfortunes began nine months before ever he came into
+the world</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;My mother, who was sitting by, look’d up,&mdash;but she knew
+no more than her backside what my father meant,&mdash;but my uncle, Mr.
+<i>Toby Shandy</i>, who had been often informed of the
+affair,&mdash;understood him very well.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapIV" id = "bookI_chapIV">
+CHAPTER IV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I know</span> there are readers in the
+world, as well as many other good people in it, who are no readers at
+all, who find themselves ill at ease, unless they are let into the whole
+secret from first to last, of everything which concerns you.</p>
+
+<p>It is in pure compliance with this humour of theirs, and from a
+backwardness in my nature to disappoint any one soul living, that I have
+been so very particular already. As my life and opinions are likely to
+make some noise in the world, and, if I
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page6" id = "page6">6</a></span>
+conjecture right, will take in all ranks, professions, and denominations
+of men whatever,&mdash;be no less read than the <i>Pilgrim’s
+Progress</i> itself&mdash;and in the end, prove the very thing which
+<i>Montaigne</i> dreaded his Essays should turn out, that is,
+a&nbsp;book for a parlour-window;&mdash;I&nbsp;find it necessary to
+consult every one a little in his turn; and therefore must beg pardon
+for going on a little farther in the same way: For which cause, right
+glad I am, that I have begun the history of myself in the way I have
+done; and that I am able to go on, tracing everything in it, as
+<i>Horace</i> says, <i>ab Ovo</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Horace</i>, I know, does not recommend this fashion altogether:
+But that gentleman is speaking only of an epic poem or a
+tragedy;&mdash;(I&nbsp;forget which),&mdash;besides, if it was not so,
+I&nbsp;should beg Mr. <i>Horace’s</i> pardon;&mdash;for in writing what
+I have set about, I&nbsp;shall confine myself neither to his rules, nor
+to any man’s rules that ever lived.</p>
+
+<p>To such, however, as do not choose to go so far back into these
+things, I&nbsp;can give no better advice, than that they skip over the
+remaining part of this chapter; for I declare before-hand, ’tis wrote
+only for the curious and inquisitive.</p>
+
+<p><img src = "images/onedash.gif" width = "70" height = "12"
+alt = "----" />
+Shut the door.
+<img src = "images/onedash.gif" width = "200" height = "12"
+alt = "----" />
+I was begot in the night, betwixt the first <i>Sunday</i> and the first
+<i>Monday</i> in the month of <i>March</i>, in the year of our Lord one
+thousand seven hundred and eighteen. I&nbsp;am positive I was.&mdash;But
+how I came to be so very particular in my account of a thing which
+happened before I was born, is owing to another small anecdote known
+only in our own family, but now made publick for the better clearing up
+this point.</p>
+
+<p>My father, you must know, who was originally a <i>Turkey</i>
+merchant, but had left off business for some years, in order to retire
+to, and die upon, his paternal estate in the county of
+&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;, was, I&nbsp;believe, one of the most regular men
+in everything he did, whether ’twas matter of business, or matter of
+amusement, that ever lived. As a small specimen of this extreme
+exactness of his, to which he was in truth a slave,&mdash;he had made it
+a rule for many years of his life,&mdash;on the first
+<i>Sunday-night</i> of every month throughout the whole year,&mdash;as
+certain as ever the <i>Sunday-night</i> came,&mdash;&mdash;to wind up a
+large house-clock, which we had standing on the back-stairs head, with
+his own hands:&mdash;And being somewhere between fifty and sixty years
+of age at the time I have been speaking of,&mdash;he had likewise
+gradually brought some other little family concernments to the same
+period, in order, as he would often say to my uncle <i>Toby</i>, to get
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page7" id = "page7">7</a></span>
+them all out of the way at one time, and be no more plagued and pestered
+with them the rest of the month.</p>
+
+<p>It was attended but with one misfortune, which, in a great measure,
+fell upon myself, and the effects of which I fear I shall carry with me
+to my grave; namely, that from an unhappy association of ideas, which
+have no connection in nature, it so fell out at length, that my poor
+mother could never hear the said clock wound up,&mdash;&mdash;but the
+thoughts of some other things unavoidably popped into her head&mdash;and
+<i>vice versâ</i>:&mdash;&mdash;Which strange combination of ideas, the
+sagacious <i>Locke</i>, who certainly understood the nature of these
+things better than most men, affirms to have produced more wry actions
+than all other sources of prejudice whatsoever.</p>
+
+<p>But this by the bye.</p>
+
+<p>Now it appears by a memorandum in my father’s pocket-book, which now
+lies upon the table, “That on <i>Lady-day</i>, which was on the 25th of
+the same month in which I date my geniture,&mdash;&mdash;my father set
+out upon his journey to <i>London</i>, with my eldest brother
+<i>Bobby</i>, to fix him at <i>Westminster</i> school;” and, as it
+appears from the same authority, “That he did not get down to his wife
+and family till the <i>second week</i> in <i>May</i>
+following,”&mdash;it brings the thing almost to a certainty. However,
+what follows in the beginning of the next chapter, puts it beyond all
+possibility of doubt.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;But pray, Sir, What was your father doing all
+<i>December</i>, <i>January</i>, and <i>February?</i>&mdash;&mdash;Why,
+Madam,&mdash;he was all that time afflicted with a Sciatica.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapV" id = "bookI_chapV">
+CHAPTER V</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">On</span> the fifth day of <i>November</i>,
+1718, which to the ĂŚra fixed on, was as near nine calendar months as any
+husband could in reason have expected,&mdash;was I <i>Tristram
+Shandy</i>, Gentleman, brought forth into this scurvy and disasterous
+world of ours.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish I had been born in the Moon, or
+in any of the planets (except <i>Jupiter</i> or <i>Saturn</i>, because I
+never could bear cold weather) for it could not well have fared worse
+with me in any of them (though I will not answer for <i>Venus</i>) than
+it has in this vile, dirty planet of ours,&mdash;which, o’ my
+conscience, with reverence be it spoken, I&nbsp;take to be made up of
+the shreds and clippings of the rest;&mdash;&mdash;not but the planet is
+well enough,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page8" id = "page8">8</a></span>
+provided a man could be born in it to a great title or to a great
+estate; or could any how contrive to be called up to publick charges,
+and employments of dignity or power;&mdash;&mdash;but that is not my
+case;&mdash;&mdash;and therefore every man will speak of the fair as his
+own market has gone in it;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;for which cause I affirm
+it over again to be one of the vilest worlds that ever was
+made;&mdash;for I can truly say, that from the first hour I drew my
+breath in it, to this, that I can now scarce draw it at all, for an
+asthma I got in scating against the wind in
+<i>Flanders</i>;&mdash;I&nbsp;have been the continual sport of what the
+world calls Fortune; and though I will not wrong her by saying, She has
+ever made me feel the weight of any great or signal
+evil;&mdash;&mdash;yet with all the good temper in the world,
+I&nbsp;affirm it of her, that in every stage of my life, and at every
+turn and corner where she could get fairly at me, the ungracious duchess
+has pelted me with a set of as pitiful misadventures and cross accidents
+as ever small <span class = "smallcaps">Hero</span> sustained.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapVI" id = "bookI_chapVI">
+CHAPTER VI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">In</span> the beginning of the last
+chapter, I&nbsp;informed you exactly <i>when</i> I was born; but I did
+not inform you <i>how. No</i>, that particular was reserved entirely for
+a chapter by itself;&mdash;besides, Sir, as you and I are in a manner
+perfect strangers to each other, it would not have been proper to have
+let you into too many circumstances relating to myself all at
+once.&mdash;You must have a little patience. I&nbsp;have undertaken, you
+see, to write not only my life, but my opinions also; hoping and
+expecting that your knowledge of my character, and of what kind of a
+mortal I am, by the one, would give you a better relish for the other:
+As you proceed farther with me, the slight acquaintance, which is now
+beginning betwixt us, will grow into familiarity; and that, unless one
+of us is in fault, will terminate in friendship.&mdash;<i>O diem
+prĂŚclarum!</i>&mdash;then nothing which has touched me will be thought
+trifling in its nature, or tedious in its telling. Therefore, my dear
+friend and companion, if you should think me somewhat sparing of my
+narrative on my first setting out&mdash;bear with me,&mdash;and let me
+go on, and tell my story my own way:&mdash;Or, if I should seem now and
+then to trifle upon the road,&mdash;or should sometimes put on a fool’s
+cap with a bell to it, for a moment or two as we pass along,&mdash;don’t
+fly off,&mdash;but rather courteously
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page9" id = "page9">9</a></span>
+give me credit for a little more wisdom than appears upon my
+outside;&mdash;and as we jog on, either laugh with me, or at me, or in
+short, do anything,&mdash;only keep your temper.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapVII" id = "bookI_chapVII">
+CHAPTER VII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">In</span> the same village where my father
+and my mother dwelt, dwelt also a thin, upright, motherly, notable, good
+old body of a midwife, who with the help of a little plain good sense,
+and some years full employment in her business, in which she had all
+along trusted little to her own efforts, and a great deal to those of
+dame Nature,&mdash;had acquired, in her way, no small degree of
+reputation in the world:&mdash;&mdash;by which word <i>world</i>, need I
+in this place inform your worship, that I would be understood to mean no
+more of it, than a small circle described upon the circle of the great
+world, of four <i>English</i> miles diameter, or thereabouts, of which
+the cottage where the good old woman lived, is supposed to be the
+centre?&mdash;She had been left, it seems, a&nbsp;widow in great
+distress, with three or four small children, in her forty-seventh year;
+and as she was at that time a person of decent carriage,&mdash;grave
+deportment,&mdash;a&nbsp;woman moreover of few words, and withal an
+object of compassion, whose distress, and silence under it, called out
+the louder for a friendly lift: the wife of the parson of the parish was
+touched with pity; and having often lamented an inconvenience, to which
+her husband’s flock had for many years been exposed, inasmuch as there
+was no such thing as a midwife, of any kind or degree, to be got at, let
+the case have been never so urgent, within less than six or seven long
+miles riding; which seven said long miles in dark nights and dismal
+roads, the country thereabouts being nothing but a deep clay, was almost
+equal to fourteen; and that in effect was sometimes next to having no
+midwife at all; it came into her head, that it would be doing as
+seasonable a kindness to the whole parish, as to the poor creature
+herself, to get her a little instructed in some of the plain principles
+of the business, in order to set her up in it. As no woman thereabouts
+was better qualified to execute the plan she had formed than herself,
+the gentlewoman very charitably undertook it; and having great influence
+over the female part of the parish, she found no difficulty in effecting
+it to the utmost of her wishes. In truth, the parson join’d his interest
+with his wife’s in the whole affair; and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page10" id = "page10">10</a></span>
+in order to do things as they should be, and give the poor soul as good
+a title by law to practise, as his wife had given by
+institution,&mdash;he chearfully paid the fees for the ordinary’s
+licence himself, amounting in the whole, to the sum of eighteen
+shillings and four pence; so that betwixt them both, the good woman was
+fully invested in the real and corporal possession of her office,
+together with all its <i>rights, members, and appurtenances
+whatsoever</i>.</p>
+
+<p>These last words, you must know, were not according to the old form
+in which such licences, faculties, and powers usually ran, which in like
+cases had heretofore been granted to the sisterhood. But it was
+according to a neat <i>Formula</i> of <i>Didius</i> his own devising,
+who having a particular turn for taking to pieces, and new framing over
+again, all kind of instruments in that way, not only hit upon this
+dainty amendment, but coaxed many of the old licensed matrons in the
+neighbourhood, to open their faculties afresh, in order to have this
+wham-wham of his inserted.</p>
+
+<p>I own I never could envy <i>Didius</i> in these kinds of fancies of
+his:&mdash;But every man to his own taste.&mdash;Did not Dr.
+<i>Kunastrokius</i>, that great man, at his leisure hours, take the
+greatest delight imaginable in combing of asses tails, and plucking the
+dead hairs out with his teeth, though he had tweezers always in his
+pocket? Nay, if you come to that, Sir, have not the wisest of men in all
+ages, not excepting <i>Solomon</i> himself,&mdash;have they not had
+their <span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horses</span>;&mdash;their running
+horses,&mdash;their coins and their cockle-shells, their drums and their
+trumpets, their fiddles, their pallets,&mdash;their maggots and their
+butterflies?&mdash;and so long as a man rides his <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span> peaceably and quietly along the King’s
+highway, and neither compels you or me to get up behind him,&mdash;pray,
+Sir, what have either you or I to do with&nbsp;it?</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapVIII" id = "bookI_chapVIII">
+CHAPTER VIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;<i>De gustibus non est disputandum</i>;&mdash;that is, there
+is no disputing against <span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horses</span>;
+and for my part, I&nbsp;seldom do; nor could I with any sort of grace,
+had I been an enemy to them at the bottom; for happening, at certain
+intervals and changes of the moon, to be both fidler and painter,
+according as the fly stings:&mdash;Be it known to you, that I keep a
+couple of pads myself, upon which, in their turns, (nor do I care who
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page11" id = "page11">11</a></span>
+knows&nbsp;it) I&nbsp;frequently ride out and take the air;&mdash;though
+sometimes, to my shame be it spoken, I&nbsp;take somewhat longer
+journies than what a wise man would think altogether right.&mdash;But
+the truth is,&mdash;I&nbsp;am not a wise man;&mdash;and besides am a
+mortal of so little consequence in the world, it is not much matter what
+I do: so I seldom fret or fume at all about it: Nor does it much disturb
+my rest, when I see such great Lords and tall Personages as hereafter
+follow;&mdash;such, for instance, as my Lord A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I,
+K, L, M, N, O, P,&nbsp;Q, and so on, all of a row, mounted upon their
+several horses;&mdash;some with large stirrups, getting on in a more
+grave and sober pace;&mdash;&mdash;others on the contrary, tucked up to
+their very chins, with whips across their mouths, scouring and
+scampering it away like so many little party-coloured devils astride a
+mortgage,&mdash;and as if some of them were resolved to break their
+necks.&mdash;&mdash;So much the better&mdash;say I to myself;&mdash;for
+in case the worst should happen, the world will make a shift to do
+excellently well without them; and for the
+rest,&mdash;&mdash;why&mdash;&mdash;God speed them&mdash;&mdash;e’en let
+them ride on without opposition from me; for were their lordships
+unhorsed this very night&mdash;’tis ten to one but that many of them
+would be worse mounted by one half before to-morrow morning.</p>
+
+<p>Not one of these instances therefore can be said to break in upon my
+rest.&mdash;&mdash;But there is an instance, which I own puts me off my
+guard, and that is, when I see one born for great actions, and what is
+still more for his honour, whose nature ever inclines him to good
+ones;&mdash;when I behold such a one, my Lord, like yourself, whose
+principles and conduct are as generous and noble as his blood, and whom,
+for that reason, a&nbsp;corrupt world cannot spare one
+moment;&mdash;when I see such a one, my Lord, mounted, though it is but
+for a minute beyond the time which my love to my country has prescribed
+to him, and my zeal for his glory wishes,&mdash;then, my Lord,
+I&nbsp;cease to be a philosopher, and in the first transport of an
+honest impatience, I&nbsp;wish the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span>, with all his fraternity, at the
+Devil.</p>
+
+<p class = "inset">
+“<span class = "smallcaps">My Lord</span>,</p>
+
+<p>“I maintain this to be a dedication, notwithstanding its singularity
+in the three great essentials of matter, form, and place: I&nbsp;beg,
+therefore, you will accept it as such, and that you will permit me to
+lay it, with the most respectful humility, at your Lordship’s
+feet,&mdash;when you are upon them,&mdash;which
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page12" id = "page12">12</a></span>
+you can be when you please;&mdash;and that is, my Lord, whenever there
+is occasion for it, and I will add, to the best purposes too.
+I&nbsp;have the honour to&nbsp;be,</p>
+
+<div class = "right">
+
+<p class = "center">
+“<i>My Lord,<br />
+Your Lordship’s most obedient,<br />
+and most devoted,<br />
+and most humble servant</i>,</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p class = "right smallcaps">
+Tristram Shandy.”</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapIX" id = "bookI_chapIX">
+CHAPTER IX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I solemnly</span> declare to all mankind,
+that the above dedication was made for no one Prince, Prelate, Pope, or
+Potentate,&mdash;Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, or Baron, of this, or
+any other Realm in Christendom;&mdash;&mdash;nor has it yet been hawked
+about, or offered publicly or privately, directly or indirectly, to any
+one person or personage, great or small; but is honestly a true
+Virgin-Dedication untried on, upon any soul living.</p>
+
+<p>I labour this point so particularly, merely to remove any offence or
+objection which might arise against it from the manner in which I
+propose to make the most of it;&mdash;which is the putting it up fairly
+to public sale; which I now&nbsp;do.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Every author has a way of his own in bringing his
+points to bear;&mdash;for my own part, as I hate chaffering and higgling
+for a few guineas in a dark entry;&mdash;I&nbsp;resolved within myself,
+from the very beginning, to deal squarely and openly with your Great
+Folks in this affair, and try whether I should not come off the better
+by&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>If therefore there is any one Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, or
+Baron, in these his Majesty’s dominions, who stands in need of a tight,
+genteel dedication, and whom the above will suit, (for by the bye,
+unless it suits in some degree, I&nbsp;will not part
+with&nbsp;it)&mdash;&mdash;it is much at his service for fifty
+guineas;&mdash;&mdash;which I am positive is twenty guineas less than it
+ought to be afforded for, by any man of genius.</p>
+
+<p>My Lord, if you examine it over again, it is far from being a gross
+piece of daubing, as some dedications are. The design, your Lordship
+sees, is good,&mdash;the colouring transparent,&mdash;the drawing not
+amiss;&mdash;or to speak more like a man of science,&mdash;and measure
+my piece in the painter’s scale, divided into 20,&mdash;I&nbsp;believe,
+my Lord, the outlines will turn out as 12,&mdash;the composition
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page13" id = "page13">13</a></span>
+as 9,&mdash;the colouring as 6,&mdash;the expression 13 and a
+half,&mdash;and the design,&mdash;if I may be allowed, my Lord, to
+understand my own <i>design</i>, and supposing absolute perfection in
+designing, to be as 20,&mdash;I&nbsp;think it cannot well fall short of
+19. Besides all this,&mdash;there is keeping in it, and the dark strokes
+in the <span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span>, (which is a
+secondary figure, and a kind of back-ground to the whole) give great
+force to the principal lights in your own figure, and make it come off
+wonderfully;&mdash;&mdash;and besides, there is an air of originality in
+the <i>tout ensemble</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Be pleased, my good Lord, to order the sum to be paid into the hands
+of Mr. <i>Dodsley</i>, for the benefit of the author; and in the next
+edition care shall be taken that this chapter be expunged, and your
+Lordship’s titles, distinctions, arms, and good actions, be placed at
+the front of the preceding chapter: All which, from the words, <i>De
+gustibus non est disputandum</i>, and whatever else in this book relates
+to <span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horses</span>, but no more, shall
+stand dedicated to your Lordship.&mdash;The rest I dedicate to the <span
+class = "smallcaps">Moon</span>, who, by the bye, of all the <span class
+= "smallcaps">Patrons</span> or <span class = "smallcaps">Matrons</span>
+I can think of, has most power to set my book a-going, and make the
+world run mad after&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p class = "inset">
+<i>Bright Goddess</i>,</p>
+
+<p>If thou art not too busy with <ins class = "correction"
+title = "text unchanged: expected spelling ‘Candide’"><span class =
+"smallcaps">Candid</span></ins> and Miss <span class =
+"smallcaps">Cunegund’s</span> affairs,&mdash;take <i>Tristram
+Shandy’s</i> under thy protection also.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapX" id = "bookI_chapX">
+CHAPTER X</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Whatever</span> degree of small merit the
+act of benignity in favour of the midwife might justly claim, or in whom
+that claim truly rested,&mdash;at first sight seems not very material to
+this history;&mdash;&mdash;certain however it was, that the gentlewoman,
+the parson’s wife, did run away at that time with the whole of it: And
+yet, for my life, I&nbsp;cannot help thinking but that the parson
+himself, though he had not the good fortune to hit upon the design
+first,&mdash;yet, as he heartily concurred in it the moment it was laid
+before him, and as heartily parted with his money to carry it into
+execution, had a claim to some share of it,&mdash;if not to a full half
+of whatever honour was due to&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>The world at that time was pleased to determine the matter
+otherwise.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page14" id = "page14">14</a></span>
+<p>Lay down the book, and I will allow you half a day to give a probable
+guess at the grounds of this procedure.</p>
+
+<p>Be it known then, that, for about five years before the date of the
+midwife’s licence, of which you have had so circumstantial an
+account,&mdash;the parson we have to do with had made himself a
+country-talk by a breach of all decorum, which he had committed against
+himself, his station, and his office;&mdash;and that was in never
+appearing better, or otherwise mounted, than upon a lean, sorry,
+jack-ass of a horse, value about one pound fifteen shillings; who, to
+shorten all description of him, was full brother to <i>Rosinante</i>, as
+far as similitude congenial could make him; for he answered his
+description to a hair-breadth in every thing,&mdash;except that I do not
+remember ’tis any where said, that <i>Rosinante</i> was broken-winded;
+and that, moreover, <i>Rosinante</i>, as is the happiness of most
+<i>Spanish</i> horses, fat or lean,&mdash;was undoubtedly a horse at all
+points.</p>
+
+<p>I know very well that the <span class = "smallcaps">Hero’s</span>
+horse was a horse of chaste deportment, which may have given grounds for
+the contrary opinion: But it is as certain at the same time, that
+<i>Rosinante’s</i> continency (as&nbsp;may be demonstrated from the
+adventure of the <i>Yanguesian</i> carriers) proceeded from no bodily
+defect or cause whatsoever, but from the temperance and orderly current
+of his blood.&mdash;And let me tell you, Madam, there is a great deal of
+very good chastity in the world, in behalf of which you could not say
+more for your life.</p>
+
+<p>Let that be as it may, as my purpose is to do extra justice to every
+creature brought upon the stage of this dramatic
+work,&mdash;I&nbsp;could not stifle this distinction in favour of Don
+<i>Quixote’s</i> horse;&mdash;&mdash;in all other points, the parson’s
+horse, I&nbsp;say, was just such another,&mdash;for he was as lean, and
+as lank, and as sorry a jade, as <span class =
+"smallcaps">Humility</span> herself could have bestrided.</p>
+
+<p>In the estimation of here and there a man of weak judgment, it was
+greatly in the parson’s power to have helped the figure of this horse of
+his,&mdash;for he was master of a very handsome demi-peak’d saddle,
+quilted on the seat with green plush, garnished with a double row of
+silver-headed studs, and a noble pair of shining brass stirrups, with a
+housing altogether suitable, of grey superfine cloth, with an edging of
+black lace, terminating in a deep, black, silk fringe, <i>poudrĂŠ
+d’or</i>,&mdash;all which he had purchased in the pride and prime of his
+life, together with a grand embossed bridle, ornamented at all points as
+it should be.&mdash;&mdash;But not caring to banter his beast, he had
+hung all these up behind his study door:&mdash;and, in lieu of them, had
+seriously
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page15" id = "page15">15</a></span>
+befitted him with just such a bridle and such a saddle, as the figure
+and value of such a steed might well and truly deserve.</p>
+
+<p>In the several sallies about his parish, and in the neighbouring
+visits to the gentry who lived around him,&mdash;you will easily
+comprehend, that the parson, so appointed, would both hear and see
+enough to keep his philosophy from rusting. To speak the truth, he never
+could enter a village, but he caught the attention of both old and
+young.&mdash;&mdash;Labour stood still as he pass’d&mdash;&mdash;the
+bucket hung suspended in the middle of the well,&mdash;&mdash;the
+spinning-wheel forgot its round,&mdash;&mdash;even chuck-farthing and
+shuffle-cap themselves stood gaping till he had got out of sight; and as
+his movement was not of the quickest, he had generally time enough upon
+his hands to make his observations,&mdash;to hear the groans of the
+serious,&mdash;and the laughter of the light-hearted;&mdash;all which he
+bore with excellent tranquillity.&mdash;His character was,&mdash;he
+loved a jest in his heart&mdash;and as he saw himself in the true point
+of ridicule, he would say he could not be angry with others for seeing
+him in a light, in which he so strongly saw himself: So that to his
+friends, who knew his foible was not the love of money, and who
+therefore made the less scruple in bantering the extravagance of his
+humour,&mdash;instead of giving the true cause,&mdash;he chose rather to
+join in the laugh against himself; and as he never carried one single
+ounce of flesh upon his own bones, being altogether as spare a figure as
+his beast,&mdash;he would sometimes insist upon it, that the horse was
+as good as the rider deserved;&mdash;that they were,
+centaur-like,&mdash;both of a piece. At other times, and in other moods,
+when his spirits were above the temptation of false wit,&mdash;he would
+say, he found himself going off fast in a consumption; and, with great
+gravity, would pretend, he could not bear the sight of a fat horse,
+without a dejection of heart, and a sensible alteration in his pulse;
+and that he had made choice of the lean one he rode upon, not only to
+keep himself in countenance, but in spirits.</p>
+
+<p>At different times he would give fifty humorous and apposite reasons
+for riding a meek-spirited jade of a broken-winded horse, preferably to
+one of mettle;&mdash;for on such a one he could sit mechanically, and
+meditate as delightfully <i>de vanitate mundi et fugâ sÌculi</i>, as
+with the advantage of a death’s-head before him;&mdash;that, in all
+other exercitations, he could spend his time, as he rode slowly
+along,&mdash;to as much account as in his study;&mdash;that he could
+draw up an argument in his sermon,&mdash;or a hole in his breeches, as
+steadily on the one as in the other;&mdash;that brisk
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page16" id = "page16">16</a></span>
+trotting and slow argumentation, like wit and judgment, were two
+incompatible movements.&mdash;But that upon his steed&mdash;he could
+unite and reconcile every thing,&mdash;he could compose his
+sermon&mdash;he could compose his cough,&mdash;&mdash;and, in case
+nature gave a call that way, he could likewise compose himself to
+sleep.&mdash;In short, the parson upon such encounters would assign any
+cause but the true cause,&mdash;and he with-held the true one, only out
+of a nicety of temper, because he thought it did honour to him.</p>
+
+<p>But the truth of the story was as follows: In the first years of this
+gentleman’s life, and about the time when the superb saddle and bridle
+were purchased by him, it had been his manner, or vanity, or call it
+what you will,&mdash;to run into the opposite extreme.&mdash;In the
+language of the county where he dwelt, he was said to have loved a good
+horse, and generally had one of the best in the whole parish standing in
+his stable always ready for saddling; and as the nearest midwife, as I
+told you, did not live nearer to the village than seven miles, and in a
+vile country,&mdash;it so fell out that the poor gentleman was scarce a
+whole week together without some piteous application for his beast; and
+as he was not an unkind-hearted man, and every case was more pressing
+and more distressful than the last,&mdash;as much as he loved his beast,
+he had never a heart to refuse him; the upshot of which was generally
+this, that his horse was either clapp’d, or spavin’d, or
+greaz’d;&mdash;or he was twitter-bon’d, or broken-winded, or something,
+in short, or other had befallen him, which would let him carry no
+flesh;&mdash;so that he had every nine or ten months a bad horse to get
+rid of,&mdash;and a good horse to purchase in his stead.</p>
+
+<p>What the loss on such a balance might amount to, <i>communibus
+annis</i>, I&nbsp;would leave to a special jury of sufferers in the same
+traffick, to determine;&mdash;but let it be what it would, the honest
+gentleman bore it for many years without a murmur, till at length, by
+repeated ill accidents of the kind, he found it necessary to take the
+thing under consideration; and upon weighing the whole, and summing it
+up in his mind, he found it not only disproportioned to his other
+expences, but withal so heavy an article in itself, as to disable him
+from any other act of generosity in his parish: Besides this, he
+considered that with half the sum thus galloped away, he could do ten
+times as much good;&mdash;and what still weighed more with him than all
+other considerations put together, was this, that it confined all his
+charity into one particular channel, and where, as he fancied, it was
+the least
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page17" id = "page17">17</a></span>
+wanted, namely, to the child-bearing and child-getting part of his
+parish; reserving nothing for the impotent,&mdash;nothing for the
+aged,&mdash;nothing for the many comfortless scenes he was hourly called
+forth to visit, where poverty, and sickness, and affliction dwelt
+together.</p>
+
+<p>For these reasons he resolved to discontinue the expence; and there
+appeared but two possible ways to extricate him clearly out of
+it;&mdash;and these were, either to make it an irrevocable law never
+more to lend his steed upon any application whatever,&mdash;or else be
+content to ride the last poor devil, such as they had made him, with all
+his aches and infirmities, to the very end of the chapter.</p>
+
+<p>As he dreaded his own constancy in the first&mdash;he very chearfully
+betook himself to the second; and though he could very well have
+explained it, as I said, to his honour,&mdash;yet, for that very reason,
+he had a spirit above it; choosing rather to bear the contempt of his
+enemies, and the laughter of his friends, than undergo the pain of
+telling a story, which might seem a panegyrick upon himself.</p>
+
+<p>I have the highest idea of the spiritual and refined sentiments of
+this reverend gentleman, from this single stroke in his character, which
+I think comes up to any of the honest refinements of the peerless knight
+of <i>La Mancha</i>, whom, by the bye, with all his follies, I&nbsp;love
+more, and would actually have gone farther to have paid a visit to, than
+the greatest hero of antiquity.</p>
+
+<p>But this is not the moral of my story: The thing I had in view was to
+shew the temper of the world in the whole of this affair.&mdash;For you
+must know, that so long as this explanation would have done the parson
+credit,&mdash;the devil a soul could find it out,&mdash;I&nbsp;suppose
+his enemies would not, and that his friends could not.&mdash;&mdash;But
+no sooner did he bestir himself in behalf of the midwife, and pay the
+expences of the ordinary’s licence to set her up,&mdash;but the whole
+secret came out; every horse he had lost, and two horses more than ever
+he had lost, with all the circumstances of their destruction, were known
+and distinctly remembered.&mdash;The story ran like wild-fire&mdash;“The
+parson had a returning fit of pride which had just seized him; and he
+was going to be well mounted once again in his life; and if it was so,
+’twas plain as the sun at noon-day, he would pocket the expence of the
+licence, ten times told, the very first year:&mdash;So that every body
+was left to judge what were his views in this act of charity.”</p>
+
+<p>What were his views in this, and in every other action of his
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page18" id = "page18">18</a></span>
+life,&mdash;or rather what were the opinions which floated in the brains
+of other people concerning it, was a thought which too much floated in
+his own, and too often broke in upon his rest, when he should have been
+sound asleep.</p>
+
+<p>About ten years ago this gentleman had the good fortune to be made
+entirely easy upon that score,&mdash;it being just so long since he left
+his parish,&mdash;and the whole world at the same time behind
+him,&mdash;and stands accountable to a Judge of whom he will have no
+cause to complain.</p>
+
+<p>But there is a fatality attends the actions of some men: Order them
+as they will, they pass thro’ a&nbsp;certain medium, which so twists and
+refracts them from their true directions&mdash;&mdash;that, with all the
+titles to praise which a rectitude of heart can give, the doers of them
+are nevertheless forced to live and die without&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Of the truth of which, this gentleman was a painful
+example.&mdash;&mdash;But to know by what means this came to
+pass,&mdash;and to make that knowledge of use to you, I&nbsp;insist upon
+it that you read the two following chapters, which contain such a sketch
+of his life and conversation, as will carry its moral along with
+it.&mdash;When this is done, if nothing stops us in our way, we will go
+on with the midwife.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXI" id = "bookI_chapXI">
+CHAPTER XI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Yorick</span> was this parson’s name, and,
+what is very remarkable in it (as&nbsp;appears from a most ancient
+account of the family, wrote upon strong vellum, and now in perfect
+preservation) it had been exactly so spelt for
+near,&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;was within an ace of saying nine hundred
+years;&mdash;&mdash;but I would not shake my credit in telling an
+improbable truth, however indisputable in itself;&mdash;&mdash;and
+therefore I shall content myself with only saying&mdash;&mdash;It had
+been exactly so spelt, without the least variation or transposition of a
+single letter, for I do not know how long; which is more than I would
+venture to say of one half of the best surnames in the kingdom; which,
+in a course of years, have generally undergone as many chops and changes
+as their owners.&mdash;Has this been owing to the pride, or to the shame
+of the respective proprietors?&mdash;In honest truth, I&nbsp;think
+sometimes to the one, and sometimes to the other, just as the temptation
+has wrought. But a villainous affair it is, and will one day so blend
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page19" id = "page19">19</a></span>
+and confound us altogether, that no one shall be able to stand up and
+swear, “That his own great grandfather was the man who did either this
+or that.”</p>
+
+<p>This evil had been sufficiently fenced against by the prudent care of
+the <i>Yorick’s</i> family, and their religious preservation of these
+records I quote, which do farther inform us, That the family was
+originally of <i>Danish</i> extraction, and had been transplanted into
+<i>England</i> as early as in the reign of <i>Horwendillus</i>, king of
+<i>Denmark</i>, in whose court, it seems, an ancestor of this Mr.
+<i>Yorick’s</i>, and from whom he was lineally descended, held a
+considerable post to the day of his death. Of what nature this
+considerable post was, this record saith not;&mdash;It only adds, That,
+for near two centuries, it had been totally abolished, as altogether
+unnecessary, not only in that court, but in every other court of the
+Christian world.</p>
+
+<p>It has often come into my head, that this post could be no other than
+that of the king’s chief Jester;&mdash;and that <i>Hamlet’s Yorick</i>,
+in our <i>Shakespeare</i>, many of whose plays, you know, are founded
+upon authenticated facts, was certainly the very man.</p>
+
+<p>I have not the time to look into <i>Saxo-Grammaticus’s Danish</i>
+history, to know the certainty of this;&mdash;but if you have leisure,
+and can easily get at the book, you may do it full as well yourself.</p>
+
+<p>I had just time, in my travels through <i>Denmark</i> with Mr.
+<i>Noddy’s</i> eldest son, whom, in the year 1741, I&nbsp;accompanied as
+governor, riding along with him at a prodigious rate thro’ most parts of
+<i>Europe</i>, and of which original journey performed by us two,
+a&nbsp;most delectable narrative will be given in the progress of this
+work; I&nbsp;had just time, I&nbsp;say, and that was all, to prove the
+truth of an observation made by a long sojourner in that
+country;&mdash;&mdash;namely, “That nature was neither very lavish, nor
+was she very stingy in her gifts of genius and capacity to its
+inhabitants;&mdash;but, like a discreet parent, was moderately kind to
+them all; observing such an equal tenor in the distribution of her
+favours, as to bring them, in those points, pretty near to a level with
+each other; so that you will meet with few instances in that kingdom of
+refined parts; but a great deal of good plain household understanding
+amongst all ranks of people, of which everybody has a share;” which is,
+I&nbsp;think, very right.</p>
+
+<p>With us, you see, the case is quite different:&mdash;we are all ups
+and downs in this matter;&mdash;you are a great genius;&mdash;or ’tis
+fifty to one, Sir, you are a great dunce and a blockhead;&mdash;not that
+there is a total want of intermediate steps,&mdash;no,&mdash;we are not
+so irregular as that comes to;&mdash;but the two extremes are
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page20" id = "page20">20</a></span>
+more common, and in a greater degree in this unsettled island, where
+nature, in her gifts and dispositions of this kind, is most whimsical
+and capricious; fortune herself not being more so in the bequest of her
+goods and chattels than she.</p>
+
+<p>This is all that ever staggered my faith in regard to <i>Yorick’s</i>
+extraction, who, by what I can remember of him, and by all the accounts
+I could ever get of him, seemed not to have had one single drop of
+<i>Danish</i> blood in his whole crasis; in nine hundred years, it might
+possibly have all run out:&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;will not philosophize one
+moment with you about it; for happen how it would, the fact was
+this:&mdash;That instead of that cold phlegm and exact regularity of
+sense and humours, you would have looked for, in one so
+extracted;&mdash;he was, on the contrary, as mercurial and sublimated a
+composition,&mdash;as heteroclite a creature in all his
+declensions;&mdash;with as much life and whim, and <i>gaité de cœur</i>
+about him, as the kindliest climate could have engendered and put
+together. With all this sail, poor <i>Yorick</i> carried not one ounce
+of ballast; he was utterly unpractised in the world; and, at the age of
+twenty-six, knew just about as well how to steer his course in it, as a
+romping, unsuspicious girl of thirteen: So that upon his first setting
+out, the brisk gale of his spirits, as you will imagine, ran him foul
+ten times in a day of somebody’s tackling; and as the grave and more
+slow-paced were oftenest in his way,&mdash;&mdash;you may likewise
+imagine, ’twas with such he had generally the ill luck to get the most
+entangled. For aught I know there might be some mixture of unlucky wit
+at the bottom of such <i>Fracas</i>:&mdash;&mdash;For, to speak the
+truth, <i>Yorick</i> had an invincible dislike and opposition in his
+nature to gravity;&mdash;not to gravity as such;&mdash;for where gravity
+was wanted, he would be the most grave or serious of mortal men for days
+and weeks together;&mdash;but he was an enemy to the affectation of it,
+and declared open war against it, only as it appeared a cloak for
+ignorance, or for folly: and then, whenever it fell in his way, however
+sheltered and protected, he seldom gave it much quarter.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes, in his wild way of talking, he would say that Gravity was
+an errant scoundrel, and he would add,&mdash;of the most dangerous kind
+too,&mdash;because a sly one; and that he verily believed, more honest,
+well-meaning people were bubbled out of their goods and money by it in
+one twelve-month, than by pocket-picking and shop-lifting in seven. In
+the naked temper which a merry heart discovered, he would say, there was
+no danger,&mdash;but to itself:&mdash;whereas the very essence of
+gravity was
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page21" id = "page21">21</a></span>
+design, and consequently deceit;&mdash;’twas a taught trick to gain
+credit of the world for more sense and knowledge than a man was worth;
+and that, with all its pretensions,&mdash;it was no better, but often
+worse, than what a <i>French</i> wit had long ago defined
+it,&mdash;<i>viz.</i> <i>A mysterious carriage of the body to cover the
+defects of the mind</i>;&mdash;which definition of gravity,
+<i>Yorick</i>, with great imprudence, would say, deserved to be wrote in
+letters of gold.</p>
+
+<p>But, in plain truth, he was a man unhackneyed and unpractised in the
+world, and was altogether as indiscreet and foolish on every other
+subject of discourse where policy is wont to impress restraint.
+<i>Yorick</i> had no impression but one, and that was what arose from
+the nature of the deed spoken of; which impression he would usually
+translate into plain <i>English</i> without any periphrasis;&mdash;and
+too oft without much distinction of either person, time, or
+place;&mdash;so that when mention was made of a pitiful or an ungenerous
+proceeding&mdash;&mdash;he never gave himself a moment’s time to reflect
+who was the hero of the piece,&mdash;&mdash;what his
+station,&mdash;&mdash;or how far he had power to hurt him
+hereafter;&mdash;&mdash;but if it was a dirty action,&mdash;without more
+ado,&mdash;The man was a dirty fellow,&mdash;and so on.&mdash;And as his
+comments had usually the ill fate to be terminated either in a <i>bon
+mot</i>, or to be enlivened throughout with some drollery or humour of
+expression, it gave wings to <i>Yorick’s</i> indiscretion. In a word,
+tho’ he never sought, yet, at the same time, as he seldom shunned
+occasions of saying what came uppermost, and without much
+ceremony;&mdash;&mdash;he had but too many temptations in life, of
+scattering his wit and his humour,&mdash;his gibes and his jests about
+him.&mdash;&mdash;They were not lost for want of gathering.</p>
+
+<p>What were the consequences, and what was <i>Yorick’s</i> catastrophe
+thereupon, you will read in the next chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXII" id = "bookI_chapXII">
+CHAPTER XII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> <i>Mortgager</i> and
+<i>MortgagĂŠe</i> differ the one from the other, not more in length of
+purse, than the <i>Jester</i> and <i>JestĂŠe</i> do, in that of memory.
+But in this the comparison between them runs, as the scholiasts call it,
+upon all-four; which, by the bye, is upon one or two legs more than some
+of the best of <i>Homer’s</i> can pretend to;&mdash;namely, That the one
+raises a sum, and the other a laugh at your expence, and thinks no more
+about it. Interest, however, still runs on in both cases;&mdash;the
+periodical or accidental
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page22" id = "page22">22</a></span>
+payments of it, just serving to keep the memory of the affair alive;
+till, at length, in some evil hour,&mdash;pop comes the creditor upon
+each, and by demanding principal upon the spot, together with full
+interest to the very day, makes them both feel the full extent of their
+obligations.</p>
+
+<p>As the reader (for I hate your <i>ifs</i>) has a thorough knowledge
+of human nature, I&nbsp;need not say more to satisfy him, that my <span
+class = "smallcaps">Hero</span> could not go on at this rate without
+some slight experience of these incidental mementos. To speak the truth,
+he had wantonly involved himself in a multitude of small book-debts of
+this stamp, which, notwithstanding <i>Eugenius’s</i> frequent advice, he
+too much disregarded; thinking, that as not one of them was contracted
+thro’ any malignancy;&mdash;but, on the contrary, from an honesty of
+mind, and a mere jocundity of humour, they would all of them be cross’d
+out in course.</p>
+
+<p><i>Eugenius</i> would never admit this; and would often tell him,
+that one day or other he would certainly be reckoned with; and he would
+often add, in an accent of sorrowful apprehension,&mdash;to the
+uttermost mite. To which <i>Yorick</i>, with his usual carelessness of
+heart, would as often answer with a pshaw!&mdash;and if the subject was
+started in the fields&mdash;with a hop, skip, and a jump at the end of
+it; but if close pent up in the social chimney-corner, where the culprit
+was barricado’d in, with a table and a couple of armchairs, and could
+not so readily fly off in a tangent,&mdash;<i>Eugenius</i> would then go
+on with his lecture upon discretion in words to this purpose, though
+somewhat better put together.</p>
+
+<p>Trust me, dear <i>Yorick</i>, this unwary pleasantry of thine will
+sooner or later bring thee into scrapes and difficulties, which no
+after-wit can extricate thee out of.&mdash;&mdash;In these sallies, too
+oft, I&nbsp;see, it happens, that a person laughed at, considers himself
+in the light of a person injured, with all the rights of such a
+situation belonging to him; and when thou viewest him in that light too,
+and reckons up his friends, his family, his kindred and
+allies,&mdash;&mdash;and musters up with them the many recruits which
+will list under him from a sense of common danger;&mdash;&mdash;’tis no
+extravagant arithmetick to say, that for every ten jokes,&mdash;thou
+hast got an hundred enemies; and till thou hast gone on, and raised a
+swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by them,
+thou wilt never be convinced it is&nbsp;so.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot suspect it in the man whom I esteem, that there is the least
+spur from spleen or malevolence of intent in these
+sallies&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;believe and know them to be truly honest and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page23" id = "page23">23</a></span>
+sportive:&mdash;But consider, my dear lad, that fools cannot distinguish
+this,&mdash;and that knaves will not: and thou knowest not what it is,
+either to provoke the one, or to make merry with the
+other:&mdash;&mdash;whenever they associate for mutual defence, depend
+upon it, they will carry on the war in such a manner against thee, my
+dear friend, as to make thee heartily sick of it, and of thy life
+too.</p>
+
+<p>Revenge from some baneful corner shall level a tale of dishonour at
+thee, which no innocence of heart or integrity of conduct shall set
+right.&mdash;&mdash;The fortunes of thy house shall totter,&mdash;thy
+character, which led the way to them, shall bleed on every side of
+it,&mdash;thy faith questioned,&mdash;thy works belied,&mdash;thy wit
+forgotten,&mdash;thy learning trampled on. To wind up the last scene of
+thy tragedy, <span class = "smallcaps">Cruelty</span> and <span class =
+"smallcaps">Cowardice</span>, twin ruffians, hired and set on by <span
+class = "smallcaps">Malice</span> in the dark, shall strike together at
+all thy infirmities and mistakes:&mdash;&mdash;The best of us, my dear
+lad, lie open there,&mdash;&mdash;and trust me,&mdash;&mdash;trust me,
+<i>Yorick, when to gratify a private appetite, it is once resolved upon,
+that an innocent and an helpless creature shall be sacrificed, ’tis an
+easy matter to pick up sticks enough from any thicket where it has
+strayed, to make a fire to offer it up with</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Yorick</i> scarce ever heard this sad vaticination of his destiny
+read over to him, but with a fear stealing from his eye, and a
+promissory look attending it, that he was resolved, for the time to
+come, to ride his tit with more sobriety.&mdash;But, alas, too
+late!&mdash;a&nbsp;grand confederacy, with ***** and ***** at the head
+of it, was formed before the first prediction of it.&mdash;The whole
+plan of the attack, just as <i>Eugenius</i> had foreboded, was put in
+execution all at once,&mdash;with so little mercy on the side of the
+allies,&mdash;and so little suspicion in <i>Yorick</i>, of what was
+carrying on against him,&mdash;that when he thought, good easy man! full
+surely preferment was o’ ripening,&mdash;they had smote his root, and
+then he fell, as many a worthy man had fallen before him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Yorick</i>, however, fought it out with all imaginable gallantry
+for some time; till, overpowered by numbers, and worn out at length by
+the calamities of the war,&mdash;but more so, by the ungenerous manner
+in which it was carried on,&mdash;he threw down the sword; and though he
+kept up his spirits in appearance to the last, he died, nevertheless, as
+was generally thought, quite broken-hearted.</p>
+
+<p>What inclined <i>Eugenius</i> to the same opinion was as follows:</p>
+
+<p>A few hours before <i>Yorick</i> breathed his last, <i>Eugenius</i>
+stept in with an intent to take his last sight and last farewell of him.
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page24" id = "page24">24</a></span>
+Upon his drawing <i>Yorick’s</i> curtain, and asking how he felt
+himself, <i>Yorick</i> looking up in his face took hold of his
+hand,&mdash;and after thanking him for the many tokens of his friendship
+to him, for which, he said, if it was their fate to meet
+hereafter,&mdash;he would thank him again and again,&mdash;he told him,
+he was within a few hours of giving his enemies the slip for
+ever.&mdash;I&nbsp;hope not, answered <i>Eugenius</i>, with tears
+trickling down his cheeks, and with the tenderest tone that ever man
+spoke.&mdash;I&nbsp;hope not, <i>Yorick</i>, said
+he.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Yorick</i> replied, with a look up, and a gentle
+squeeze of <i>Eugenius’s</i> hand, and that was all,&mdash;but it cut
+<i>Eugenius</i> to his heart,&mdash;Come&mdash;come, <i>Yorick</i>,
+quoth <i>Eugenius</i>, wiping his eyes, and summoning up the man within
+him,&mdash;my dear lad, be comforted,&mdash;let not all thy spirits and
+fortitude forsake thee at this crisis when thou most wants
+them;&mdash;&mdash;who knows what resources are in store, and what the
+power of God may yet do for thee?&mdash;&mdash;<i>Yorick</i> laid his
+hand upon his heart, and gently shook his head;&mdash;For my part,
+continued <i>Eugenius</i>, crying bitterly as he uttered the
+words,&mdash;I&nbsp;declare I know not, <i>Yorick</i>, how to part with
+thee, and would gladly flatter my hopes, added <i>Eugenius</i>, chearing
+up his voice, that there is still enough left of thee to make a bishop,
+and that I may live to see it.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;beseech thee,
+<i>Eugenius</i>, quoth <i>Yorick</i>, taking off his night-cap as well
+as he could with his left hand,&mdash;&mdash;his right being still
+grasped close in that of <i>Eugenius</i>,&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;beseech
+thee to take a view of my head.&mdash;I&nbsp;see nothing that ails it,
+replied <i>Eugenius</i>. Then, alas! my friend, said <i>Yorick</i>, let
+me tell you, that ’tis so bruised and mis-shapened with the blows which
+***** and *****, and some others have so unhandsomely given me, in the
+dark, that I might say with <i>Sancho Pança</i>, that should I recover,
+and “Mitres thereupon be suffered to rain down from heaven as thick as
+hail, not one of them would fit it.”&mdash;&mdash;<i>Yorick’s</i> last
+breath was hanging upon his trembling lips ready to depart as he uttered
+this:&mdash;&mdash;yet still it was uttered with something of a
+<i>Cervantick</i> tone;&mdash;&mdash;and as he spoke it, <i>Eugenius</i>
+could perceive a stream of lambent fire lighted up for a moment in his
+eyes;&mdash;&mdash;faint picture of those flashes of his spirit, which
+(as&nbsp;<i>Shakespeare</i> said of his ancestor) were wont to set the
+table in a roar!</p>
+
+<p><i>Eugenius</i> was convinced from this, that the heart of his friend
+was broke: he squeezed his hand,&mdash;&mdash;and then walked softly out
+of the room, weeping as he walked. <i>Yorick</i> followed
+<i>Eugenius</i> with his eyes to the door,&mdash;he then closed
+them,&mdash;and never opened them more.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page25" id = "page25">25</a></span>
+
+<p class = "illustration">
+<img src = "images/tombstone.png" width = "300" height = "500" alt =
+"black tombstone" />
+</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page26" id = "page26">26</a></span>
+<p>He lies buried in the corner of his churchyard, in the parish of
+&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;, under a plain marble slab, which his friend
+<i>Eugenius</i>, by leave of his executors, laid upon his grave, with no
+more than these three words of inscription, serving both for his epitaph
+and elegy.</p>
+
+<div class = "box">
+<p class = "center">
+Alas, poor YORICK!</p></div>
+
+<p>Ten times a day has <i>Yorick’s</i> ghost the consolation to hear his
+monumental inscription read over with such a variety of plaintive tones,
+as denote a general pity and esteem for
+him;&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;foot-way crossing the churchyard close by the
+side of his grave,&mdash;not a passenger goes by without stopping to
+cast a look upon it,&mdash;and sighing as he walks&nbsp;on,</p>
+
+<p class = "center">
+Alas, poor YORICK!</p>
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page27" id = "page27">27</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXIII" id = "bookI_chapXIII">
+CHAPTER XIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> is so long since the reader of
+this rhapsodical work has been parted from the midwife, that it is high
+time to mention her again to him, merely to put him in mind that there
+is such a body still in the world, and whom, upon the best judgment I
+can form upon my own plan at present,&mdash;I&nbsp;am going to introduce
+to him for good and all: But as fresh matter may be started, and much
+unexpected business fall out betwixt the reader and myself, which may
+require immediate dispatch;&mdash;&mdash;’twas right to take care that
+the poor woman should not be lost in the meantime;&mdash;because when
+she is wanted, we can no way do without her.</p>
+
+<p>I think I told you that this good woman was a person of no small note
+and consequence throughout our whole village and township;&mdash;that
+her fame had spread itself to the very out-edge and circumference of
+that circle of importance, of which kind every soul living, whether he
+has a shirt to his back or no,&mdash;&mdash;has one surrounding
+him;&mdash;which said circle, by the way, whenever ’tis said that such a
+one is of great weight and importance in the
+<i>world</i>,&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;desire may be enlarged or contracted
+in your worship’s fancy, in a compound ratio of the station, profession,
+knowledge, abilities, height and depth (measuring both ways) of the
+personage brought before you.</p>
+
+<p>In the present case, if I remember, I fixed it about four or five
+miles, which not only comprehended the whole parish, but extended itself
+to two or three of the adjacent hamlets in the skirts of the next
+parish; which made a considerable thing of it. I&nbsp;must add, That she
+was, moreover, very well looked on at one large grange-house, and some
+other odd houses and farms within two or three miles, as I said, from
+the smoke of her own chimney:&mdash;&mdash;But I must here, once for
+all, inform you, that all this will be more exactly delineated and
+explain’d in a map, now in the hands of the engraver, which, with many
+other pieces and developements of this work, will be added to the end of
+the twentieth volume,&mdash;not to swell the work,&mdash;I&nbsp;detest
+the thought of such a thing;&mdash;but by way of commentary, scholium,
+illustration, and key to such passages, incidents, or innuendos as shall
+be thought to be either of private interpretation, or of dark or
+doubtful meaning, after my life and my opinions shall have been read
+over (now don’t forget the meaning of the word) by all the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page28" id = "page28">28</a></span>
+<i>world</i>;&mdash;&mdash;which, betwixt you and me, and in spite of
+all the gentlemen-reviewers in <i>Great Britain</i>, and of all that
+their worships shall undertake to write or say to the
+contrary,&mdash;I&nbsp;am determined shall be the
+case.&mdash;I&nbsp;need not tell your worship, that all this is spoke in
+confidence.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXIV" id = "bookI_chapXIV">
+CHAPTER XIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Upon</span> looking into my mother’s
+marriage-settlement, in order to satisfy myself and reader in a point
+necessary to be cleared up, before we could proceed any farther in this
+history;&mdash;I&nbsp;had the good fortune to pop upon the very thing I
+wanted before I had read a day and a half straight forwards,&mdash;it
+might have taken me up a month;&mdash;which shews plainly, that when a
+man sits down to write a history,&mdash;tho’ it be but the history of
+<i>Jack Hickathrift</i> or <i>Tom Thumb</i>, he knows no more than his
+heels what lets and confounded hindrances he is to meet with in his
+way,&mdash;or what a dance he may be led, by one excursion or another,
+before all is over. Could a historiographer drive on his history, as a
+muleteer drives on his mule,&mdash;straight forward;&mdash;&mdash;for
+instance, from <i>Rome</i> all the way to <i>Loretto</i>, without ever
+once turning his head aside either to the right hand or to the
+left,&mdash;&mdash;he might venture to foretell you to an hour when he
+should get to his journey’s end;&mdash;&mdash;but the thing is, morally
+speaking, impossible: For, if he is a man of the least spirit, he will
+have fifty deviations from a straight line to make with this or that
+party as he goes along, which he can no ways avoid. He will have views
+and prospects to himself perpetually soliciting his eye, which he can no
+more help standing still to look at than he can fly; he will moreover
+have various</p>
+
+<p>Accounts to reconcile:</p>
+
+<p>Anecdotes to pick up:</p>
+
+<p>Inscriptions to make out:</p>
+
+<p>Stories to weave in:</p>
+
+<p>Traditions to sift:</p>
+
+<p>Personages to call upon:</p>
+
+<p>Panegyricks to paste up at this door;</p>
+
+<p>Pasquinades at that:&mdash;&mdash;All which both the man and his mule
+are quite exempt from. To sum up all; there are archives at every stage
+to be look’d into, and rolls, records, documents, and endless
+genealogies, which justice ever and anon calls him back to stay the
+reading of:&mdash;&mdash;In short, there is no end of
+it;&mdash;&mdash;for
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page29" id = "page29">29</a></span>
+my own part, I&nbsp;declare I had been at it these six weeks, making all
+the speed I possibly could,&mdash;and am not yet born:&mdash;I&nbsp;have
+just been able, and that’s all, to tell you <i>when</i> it happen’d, but
+not <i>how</i>;&mdash;so that you see the thing is yet far from being
+accomplished.</p>
+
+<p>These unforeseen stoppages, which I own I had no conception of when I
+first set out;&mdash;but which, I&nbsp;am convinced now, will rather
+increase than diminish as I advance,&mdash;have struck out a hint which
+I am resolved to follow;&mdash;&mdash;and that is,&mdash;not to be in a
+hurry; but to go on leisurely, writing and publishing two volumes of my
+life every year;&mdash;&mdash;which, if I am suffered to go on quietly,
+and can make a tolerable bargain with my bookseller, I&nbsp;shall
+continue to do as long as I live.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXV" id = "bookI_chapXV">
+CHAPTER XV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> article in my mother’s
+marriage-settlement, which I told the reader I was at the pains to
+search for, and which, now that I have found it, I&nbsp;think proper to
+lay before him,&mdash;is so much more fully express’d in the deed
+itself, than ever I can pretend to do it, that it would be barbarity to
+take it out of the lawyer’s hand:&mdash;It is as follows.</p>
+
+<p>“<span class = "blackletter">And this Indenture further
+witnesseth</span>, That the said <i>Walter Shandy</i>, merchant, in
+consideration of the said intended marriage to be had, and, by God’s
+blessing, to be well and truly solemnised and consummated between the
+said <i>Walter Shandy</i> and <i>Elizabeth Mollineux</i> aforesaid, and
+divers other good and valuable causes and considerations him thereunto
+specially moving,&mdash;doth grant, covenant, condescend, consent,
+conclude, bargain, and fully agree to and with <i>John Dixon</i>, and
+<i>James Turner</i>, Esqrs. the above-named Trustees, <i>&amp;c.
+&amp;c.</i>&mdash;<span class = "blackletter">to Wit</span>,&mdash;That
+in case it should hereafter so fall out, chance, happen, or otherwise
+come to pass,&mdash;That the said <i>Walter Shandy</i>, merchant, shall
+have left off business before the time or times, that the said
+<i>Elizabeth Mollineux</i> shall, according to the course of nature, or
+otherwise, have left off bearing and bringing forth children;&mdash;and
+that, in consequence of the said <i>Walter Shandy</i> having so left off
+business, he shall in despight, and against the free-will, consent, and
+good-liking of the said <i>Elizabeth Mollineux</i>,&mdash;make a
+departure from the city of <i>London</i>, in order to retire to, and
+dwell upon, his estate at <i>Shandy Hall</i>, in the county of
+&mdash;&mdash;, or at any other country-seat, castle, hall,
+mansion-house, messuage or
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page30" id = "page30">30</a></span>
+grainge-house, now purchased, or hereafter to be purchased, or upon any
+part or parcel thereof:&mdash;That then, and as often as the said
+<i>Elizabeth Mollineux</i> shall happen to be enceint with child or
+children severally and lawfully begot, or to be begotten, upon the body
+of the said <i>Elizabeth Mollineux</i>, during her said
+coverture,&mdash;he the said <i>Walter Shandy</i> shall, at his own
+proper cost and charges, and out of his own proper monies, upon good and
+reasonable notice, which is hereby agreed to be within six weeks of her
+the said <i>Elizabeth Mollineux’s</i> full reckoning, or time of
+supposed and computed delivery,&mdash;pay, or cause to be paid, the sum
+of one hundred and twenty pounds of good and lawful money, to <i>John
+Dixon</i>, and <i>James Turner</i>, Esqrs. or assigns,&mdash;upon <span
+class = "smallroman">TRUST</span> and confidence, and for and unto the
+use and uses, intent, end, and purpose following:&mdash;<span class =
+"blackletter">That is to say</span>,&mdash;That the said sum of one
+hundred and twenty pounds shall be paid into the hands of the said
+<i>Elizabeth Mollineux</i>, or to be otherwise applied by them the said
+Trustees, for the well and truly hiring of one coach, with able and
+sufficient horses, to carry and convey the body of the said <i>Elizabeth
+Mollineux</i>, and the child or children which she shall be then and
+there enceint and pregnant with,&mdash;unto the city of <i>London</i>;
+and for the further paying and defraying of all other incidental costs,
+charges, and expences whatsoever,&mdash;in and about, and for, and
+relating to, her said intended delivery and lying-in, in the said city
+or suburbs thereof. And that the said <i>Elizabeth Mollineux</i> shall
+and may, from time to time, and at all such time and times as are here
+covenanted and agreed upon,&mdash;peaceably and quietly hire the said
+coach and horses, and have free ingress, egress, and regress throughout
+her journey, in and from the said coach, according to the tenor, true
+intent, and meaning of these presents, without any let, suit, trouble,
+disturbance, molestation, discharge, hindrance, forfeiture, eviction,
+vexation, interruption, or incumbrance whatsoever.&mdash;And that it
+shall moreover be lawful to and for the said <i>Elizabeth Mollineux</i>,
+from time to time, and as oft or often as she shall well and truly be
+advanced in her said pregnancy, to the time heretofore stipulated and
+agreed upon,&mdash;to live and reside in such place or places, and in
+such family or families, and with such relations, friends, and other
+persons within the said city of <i>London</i>, as she at her own will
+and pleasure, notwithstanding her present coverture, and as if she was a
+<i>femme sole</i> and unmarried,&mdash;shall think fit.&mdash;<span
+class = "blackletter">And this Indenture further Witnesseth</span>, That
+for the more effectually carrying of the said covenant into execution,
+the said <i>Walter Shandy</i>,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page31" id = "page31">31</a></span>
+merchant, doth hereby grant, bargain, sell, release, and confirm unto
+the said <i>John Dixon</i>, and <i>James Turner</i>, Esqrs. their heirs,
+executors, and assigns, in their actual possession now being, by virtue
+of an indenture of bargain and sale for a year to them the said <i>John
+Dickson</i>, and <i>James Turner</i>, Esqrs. by him the said <i>Walter
+Shandy</i>, merchant, thereof made; which said bargain and sale for a
+year, bears date the day next before the date of these presents, and by
+force and virtue of the statute for transferring of uses into
+possession,&mdash;<span class = "blackletter">All</span> that the manor
+and lordship of <i>Shandy</i>, in the county of &mdash;&mdash;, with all
+the rights, members, and appurtenances thereof; and all and every the
+messuages, houses, buildings, barns, stables, orchards, gardens,
+backsides, tofts, crofts, garths, cottages, lands, meadows, feedings,
+pastures, marshes, commons, woods, underwoods, drains, fisheries,
+waters, and water-courses;&mdash;together with all rents, reversions,
+services, annuities, fee-farms, <ins class = "correction"
+title = "printed as shown: may be missing apostrophe (knights’ fees)">knights</ins> fees, views of frankpledge, escheats, reliefs,
+mines, quarries, goods and chattels of felons and fugitives, felons of
+themselves, and put in exigent, deodands, free warrens, and all other
+royalties and seigniories, rights and jurisdictions, privileges and
+hereditaments whatsoever.&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "blackletter">And
+also</span> the advowson, donation, presentation, and free disposition
+of the rectory or parsonage of <i>Shandy</i> aforesaid, and all and
+every the tenths, tythes, glebe-lands.”&mdash;&mdash;In three
+words,&mdash;&mdash;“My mother was to lay in, (if&nbsp;she
+chose&nbsp;it) in <i>London</i>.”</p>
+
+<p>But in order to put a stop to the practice of any unfair play on the
+part of my mother, which a marriage-article of this nature too
+manifestly opened a door to, and which indeed had never been thought of
+at all, but for my uncle <i>Toby Shandy</i>;&mdash;a&nbsp;clause was
+added in security of my father, which was this:&mdash;“That in case my
+mother hereafter should, at any time, put my father to the trouble and
+expence of a <i>London</i> journey, upon false cries and
+tokens;&mdash;&mdash;that for every such instance, she should forfeit
+all the right and title which the covenant gave her to the next
+turn;&mdash;&mdash;but to no more,&mdash;and so on, <i>toties
+quoties</i>, in as effectual a manner, as if such a covenant betwixt
+them had not been made.”&mdash;This, by the way, was no more than what
+was reasonable;&mdash;and yet, as reasonable as it was, I&nbsp;have ever
+thought it hard that the whole weight of the article should have fallen
+entirely, as it did, upon myself.</p>
+
+<p>But I was begot and born to misfortunes:&mdash;for my poor mother,
+whether it was wind or water&mdash;or a compound of both,&mdash;or
+neither;&mdash;or whether it was simply the mere swell of imagination
+and fancy in her;&mdash;or how far a strong wish and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page32" id = "page32">32</a></span>
+desire to have it so, might mislead her judgment:&mdash;in short,
+whether she was deceived or deceiving in this matter, it no way becomes
+me to decide. The fact was this, That in the latter end of
+<i>September</i> 1717, which was the year before I was born, my mother
+having carried my father up to town much against the grain,&mdash;he
+peremptorily insisted upon the clause;&mdash;so that I was doom’d, by
+marriage-articles, to have my nose squeez’d as flat to my face, as if
+the destinies had actually spun me without one.</p>
+
+<p>How this event came about,&mdash;and what a train of vexatious
+disappointments, in one stage or other of my life, have pursued me from
+the mere loss, or rather compression, of this one single
+member,&mdash;shall be laid before the reader all in due time.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXVI" id = "bookI_chapXVI">
+CHAPTER XVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> father, as anybody may naturally
+imagine, came down with my mother into the country, in but a pettish
+kind of a humour. The first twenty or five-and-twenty miles he did
+nothing in the world but fret and teaze himself, and indeed my mother
+too, about the cursed expence, which he said might every shilling of it
+have been saved;&mdash;then what vexed him more than everything else
+was, the provoking time of the year,&mdash;which, as I told you, was
+towards the end of <i>September</i>, when his wall-fruit and green gages
+especially, in which he was very curious, were just ready for
+pulling:&mdash;&mdash;“Had he been whistled up to <i>London</i>, upon a
+<i>Tom Fool’s</i> errand, in any other month of the whole year, he
+should not have said three words about&nbsp;it.”</p>
+
+<p>For the next two whole stages, no subject would go down, but the
+heavy blow he had sustain’d from the loss of a son, whom it seems he had
+fully reckon’d upon in his mind, and register’d down in his pocket-book,
+as a second staff for his old age, in case <i>Bobby</i> should fail him.
+The disappointment of this, he said, was ten times more to a wise man,
+than all the money which the journey, etc., had cost him, put
+together,&mdash;rot the hundred and twenty pounds,&mdash;&mdash;he did
+not mind it a rush.</p>
+
+<p>From <i>Stilton</i>, all the way to <i>Grantham</i>, nothing in the
+whole affair provoked him so much as the condolences of his friends, and
+the foolish figure they should both make at church, the first
+<i>Sunday</i>;&mdash;&mdash;of which, in the satirical vehemence of his
+wit, now sharpen’d a little by vexation, he would give so many humorous
+and provoking descriptions,&mdash;and place his rib and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page33" id = "page33">33</a></span>
+self in so many tormenting lights and attitudes in the face of the whole
+congregation;&mdash;that my mother declared, these two stages were so
+truly tragi-comical, that she did nothing but laugh and cry in a breath,
+from one end to the other of them all the way.</p>
+
+<p>From <i>Grantham</i>, till they had cross’d the <i>Trent</i>, my
+father was out of all kind of patience at the vile trick and imposition
+which he fancied my mother had put upon him in this
+affair&mdash;“Certainly,” he would say to himself, over and over again,
+“the woman could not be deceived herself&mdash;&mdash;if she
+could,&mdash;&mdash;what weakness!”&mdash;tormenting word!&mdash;which
+led his imagination a thorny dance, and, before all was over, play’d the
+duce and all with him;&mdash;&mdash;for sure as ever the word
+<i>weakness</i> was uttered, and struck full upon his brain&mdash;so
+sure it set him upon running divisions upon how many kinds of weaknesses
+there were;&mdash;&mdash;that there was such a thing as weakness of the
+body,&mdash;&mdash;as well as weakness of the mind,&mdash;and then he
+would do nothing but syllogize within himself for a stage or two
+together, How far the cause of all these vexations might, or might not,
+have arisen out of himself.</p>
+
+<p>In short, he had so many little subjects of disquietude springing out
+of this one affair, all fretting successively in his mind as they rose
+up in it, that my mother, whatever was her journey up, had but an uneasy
+journey of it down.&mdash;&mdash;In a word, as she complained to my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, he would have tired out the patience of any flesh
+alive.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXVII" id = "bookI_chapXVII">
+CHAPTER XVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Though</span> my father travelled
+homewards, as I told you, in none of the best of moods,&mdash;pshawing
+and pishing all the way down,&mdash;yet he had the complaisance to keep
+the worst part of the story still to himself;&mdash;which was the
+resolution he had taken of doing himself the justice, which my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> clause in the marriage-settlement empowered him; nor was
+it till the very night in which I was begot, which was thirteen months
+after, that she had the least intimation of his design: when my father,
+happening, as you remember, to be a little chagrin’d and out of
+temper,&mdash;&mdash;took occasion as they lay chatting gravely in bed
+afterwards, talking over what was to come,&mdash;&mdash;to let her know
+that she must accommodate herself as well as she could to the bargain
+made between them in their marriage-deeds;
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page34" id = "page34">34</a></span>
+which was to lye-in of her next child in the country, to balance the
+last year’s journey.</p>
+
+<p>My father was a gentleman of many virtues,&mdash;but he had a strong
+spice of that in his temper, which might, or might not, add to the
+number.&mdash;’Tis known by the name of perseverance in a good
+cause,&mdash;and of obstinacy in a bad one: Of this my mother had so
+much knowledge, that she knew ’twas to no purpose to make any
+remonstrance,&mdash;so she e’en resolved to sit down quietly, and make
+the most of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXVIII" id = "bookI_chapXVIII">
+CHAPTER XVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> the point was that night agreed,
+or rather determined, that my mother should lye-in of me in the country,
+she took her measures accordingly; for which purpose, when she was three
+days, or thereabouts, gone with child, she began to cast her eyes upon
+the midwife, whom you have so often heard me mention; and before the
+week was well got round, as the famous Dr. <i>Manningham</i> was not to
+be had, she had come to a final determination in her
+mind,&mdash;&mdash;notwithstanding there was a scientific operator
+within so near a call as eight miles of us, and who, moreover, had
+expressly wrote a five shillings book upon the subject of midwifery, in
+which he had exposed, not only the blunders of the sisterhood
+itself,&mdash;&mdash;but had likewise superadded many curious
+improvements for the quicker extraction of the fœtus in cross births,
+and some other cases of danger, which belay us in getting into the
+world; notwithstanding all this, my mother, I&nbsp;say, was absolutely
+determined to trust her life, and mine with it, into no soul’s hand but
+this old woman’s only.&mdash;Now this I like;&mdash;when we cannot get
+at the very thing we wish&mdash;&mdash;never to take up with the next
+best in degree to it:&mdash;no; that’s pitiful beyond
+description;&mdash;it is no more than a week from this very day, in
+which I am now writing this book for the edification of the
+world;&mdash;which is <i>March</i> 9, 1759,&mdash;&mdash;that my dear,
+dear <i>Jenny</i>, observing I looked a little grave, as she stood
+cheapening a silk of five-and-twenty shillings a yard,&mdash;told the
+mercer, she was sorry she had given him so much trouble;&mdash;and
+immediately went and bought herself a yard-wide stuff of tenpence a
+yard.&mdash;’Tis the duplication of one and the same greatness of soul;
+only what lessened the honour of it, somewhat, in my mother’s case, was,
+that she could not heroine it into so violent and hazardous an extreme,
+as one in her
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page35" id = "page35">35</a></span>
+situation might have wished, because the old widwife had really some
+little claim to be depended upon,&mdash;as much, at least, as success
+could give her; having, in the course of her practice of near twenty
+years in the parish, brought every mother’s son of them into the world
+without any one slip or accident which could fairly be laid to her
+account.</p>
+
+<p>These facts, tho’ they had their weight, yet did not altogether
+satisfy some few scruples and uneasinesses which hung upon my father’s
+spirits in relation to this choice.&mdash;To say nothing of the natural
+workings of humanity and justice&mdash;or of the yearnings of parental
+and connubial love, all which prompted him to leave as little to hazard
+as possible in a case of this kind;&mdash;&mdash;he felt himself
+concerned in a particular manner, that all should go right in the
+present case;&mdash;from the accumulated sorrow he lay open to, should
+any evil betide his wife and child in lying-in at
+<i>Shandy-Hall</i>.&mdash;&mdash;He knew the world judged by events, and
+would add to his afflictions in such a misfortune, by loading him with
+the whole blame of it.&mdash;&mdash;“Alas, o’day;&mdash;had Mrs.
+<i>Shandy</i>, poor gentlewoman! had but her wish in going up to town
+just to lye-in and come down again;&mdash;which, they say, she begged
+and prayed for upon her bare knees,&mdash;&mdash;and which, in my
+opinion, considering the fortune which Mr. <i>Shandy</i> got with
+her,&mdash;was no such mighty matter to have complied with, the lady and
+her babe might both of them have been alive at this hour.”</p>
+
+<p>This exclamation, my father knew, was unanswerable;&mdash;and yet, it
+was not merely to shelter himself,&mdash;nor was it altogether for the
+care of his offspring and wife that he seemed so extremely anxious about
+this point;&mdash;my father had extensive views of
+things,&mdash;&mdash;and stood moreover, as he thought, deeply concerned
+in it for the publick good, from the dread he entertained of the bad
+uses an ill-fated instance might be put&nbsp;to.</p>
+
+<p>He was very sensible that all political writers upon the subject had
+unanimously agreed and lamented, from the beginning of Queen
+<i>Elizabeth’s</i> reign down to his own time, that the current of men
+and money towards the metropolis, upon one frivolous errand or
+another,&mdash;set in so strong,&mdash;as to become dangerous to our
+civil rights,&mdash;though, by the
+bye,&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;<i>current</i> was not the image he took most
+delight in,&mdash;a&nbsp;<i>distemper</i> was here his favourite
+metaphor, and he would run it down into a perfect allegory, by
+maintaining it was identically the same in the body national as in the
+body natural where the blood and spirits were driven up into the head
+faster than they could find their ways
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page36" id = "page36">36</a></span>
+down;&mdash;&mdash;a stoppage of circulation must ensue, which was death
+in both cases.</p>
+
+<p>There was little danger, he would say, of losing our liberties by
+<i>French</i> politicks or <i>French</i> invasions;&mdash;&mdash;nor was
+he so much in pain of a consumption from the mass of corrupted matter
+and ulcerated humours in our constitution, which he hoped was not so bad
+as it was imagined;&mdash;but he verily feared, that in some violent
+push, we should go off, all at once, in a state-apoplexy;&mdash;and then
+he would say, <i>The Lord have mercy upon us all</i>.</p>
+
+<p>My father was never able to give the history of this
+distemper,&mdash;without the remedy along with&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>“Was I an absolute prince,” he would say, pulling up his breeches
+with both his hands, as he rose from his arm-chair, “I&nbsp;would
+appoint able judges, at every avenue of my metropolis, who should take
+cognizance of every fool’s business who came there;&mdash;and if, upon a
+fair and candid hearing, it appeared not of weight sufficient to leave
+his own home, and come up, bag and baggage, with his wife and children,
+farmer’s sons, &amp;c., &amp;c., at his backside, they should be all
+sent back, from constable to constable, like vagrants as they were, to
+the place of their legal settlements. By this means I shall take care,
+that my metropolis totter’d not thro’ its own weight;&mdash;that the
+head be no longer too big for the body;&mdash;that the extremes, now
+wasted and pinn’d in, be restored to their due share of nourishment, and
+regain with it their natural strength and beauty:&mdash;I&nbsp;would
+effectually provide, That the meadows and corn-fields of my dominions,
+should laugh and sing;&mdash;that good chear and hospitality flourish
+once more;&mdash;and that such weight and influence be put thereby into
+the hands of the Squirality of my kingdom, as should counterpoise what I
+perceive my Nobility are now taking from them.</p>
+
+<p>“Why are there so few palaces and gentlemen’s seats,” he would ask,
+with some emotion, as he walked across the room, “throughout so many
+delicious provinces in <i>France?</i> Whence is it that the few
+remaining <i>Chateaus</i> amongst them are so dismantled,&mdash;so
+unfurnished, and in so ruinous and desolate a
+condition?&mdash;&mdash;Because, Sir,” (he&nbsp;would say) “in that
+kingdom no man has any country-interest to support;&mdash;the little
+interest of any kind which any man has anywhere in it, is concentrated
+in the court, and the looks of the Grand Monarch: by the sunshine of
+whose countenance, or the clouds which pass across it, every
+<i>French</i> man lives or dies.”</p>
+
+<p>Another political reason which prompted my father so strongly
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page37" id = "page37">37</a></span>
+to guard against the least evil accident in my mother’s lying-in in the
+country,&mdash;&mdash;was, That any such instance would infallibly throw
+a balance of power, too great already, into the weaker vessels of the
+gentry, in his own, or higher stations;&mdash;&mdash;which, with the
+many other usurped rights which that part of the constitution was hourly
+establishing,&mdash;would, in the end, prove fatal to the monarchical
+system of domestick government established in the first creation of
+things by God.</p>
+
+<p>In this point he was entirely of Sir <i>Robert Filmer’s</i> opinion,
+That the plans and institutions of the greatest monarchies in the
+eastern parts of the world were, originally, all stolen from that
+admirable pattern and prototype of this household and paternal
+power;&mdash;which, for a century, he said, and more, had gradually been
+degenerating away into a mix’d government;&mdash;&mdash;the form of
+which, however desirable in great combinations of the
+species,&mdash;&mdash;was very troublesome in small ones,&mdash;and
+seldom produced anything, that he saw, but sorrow and confusion.</p>
+
+<p>For all these reasons, private and publick, put together,&mdash;my
+father was for having the man-midwife by all means,&mdash;my mother by
+no means. My father begg’d and intreated she would for once recede from
+her prerogative in this matter, and suffer him to choose for
+her;&mdash;my mother, on the contrary, insisted upon her privilege in
+this matter, to choose for herself,&mdash;and have no mortal’s help but
+the old woman’s.&mdash;What could my father do? He was almost at his
+wit’s end;&mdash;&mdash;talked it over with her in all
+moods;&mdash;placed his arguments in all lights;&mdash;argued the matter
+with her like a christian,&mdash;like a heathen,&mdash;like a
+husband,&mdash;like a father,&mdash;like a patriot,&mdash;like a
+man:&mdash;My mother answered everything only like a woman; which was a
+little hard upon her;&mdash;for as she could not assume and fight it out
+behind such a variety of characters,&mdash;’twas no fair
+match:&mdash;’twas seven to one.&mdash;What could my mother
+do?&mdash;&mdash;She had the advantage (otherwise she had been certainly
+overpowered) of a small reinforcement of chagrin personal at the bottom,
+which bore her up, and enabled her to dispute the affair with my father
+with so equal an advantage,&mdash;&mdash;that both sides sung <i>Te
+Deum</i>. In a word, my mother was to have the old woman,&mdash;and the
+operator was to have licence to drink a bottle of wine with my father
+and my uncle <i>Toby Shandy</i> in the back parlour,&mdash;for which he
+was to be paid five guineas.</p>
+
+<p>I must beg leave, before I finish this chapter, to enter a caveat in
+the breast of my fair reader;&mdash;and it is this,&mdash;&mdash;Not to
+take it absolutely for granted, from an unguarded word or two which
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page38" id = "page38">38</a></span>
+I have dropp’d in it,&mdash;&mdash;“That I am a married man.”&mdash;I
+own, the tender appellation of my dear, dear <i>Jenny</i>,&mdash;with
+some other strokes of conjugal knowledge, interspersed here and there,
+might, naturally enough, have misled the most candid judge in the world
+into such a determination against me.&mdash;All I plead for, in this
+case, Madam, is strict justice, and that you do so much of it, to me as
+well as to yourself,&mdash;as not to prejudge, or receive such an
+impression of me, till you have better evidence, than, I&nbsp;am
+positive, at present can be produced against me.&mdash;Not that I can be
+so vain or unreasonable, Madam, as to desire you should therefore think,
+that my dear, dear <i>Jenny</i> is my kept
+mistress;&mdash;no,&mdash;that would be flattering my character in the
+other extreme, and giving it an air of freedom, which, perhaps, it has
+no kind of right to. All I contend for, is the utter impossibility, for
+some volumes, that you, or the most penetrating spirit upon earth,
+should know how this matter really stands.&mdash;It is not impossible,
+but that my dear, dear <i>Jenny!</i> tender as the appellation is, may
+be my child.&mdash;&mdash;Consider,&mdash;I&nbsp;was born in the year
+eighteen.&mdash;Nor is there anything unnatural or extravagant in the
+supposition, that my dear <i>Jenny</i> may be my
+friend.&mdash;Friend!&mdash;My friend.&mdash;Surely, Madam,
+a&nbsp;friendship between the two sexes may subsist, and be supported
+without&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Fy! Mr. <i>Shandy</i>:&mdash;Without
+anything, Madam, but that tender and delicious sentiment, which ever
+mixes in friendship, where there is a difference of sex. Let me intreat
+you to study the pure and sentimental parts of the best <i>French</i>
+Romances;&mdash;it will really, Madam, astonish you to see with what a
+variety of chaste expressions this delicious sentiment, which I have the
+honour to speak of, is dress’d out.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXIX" id = "bookI_chapXIX">
+CHAPTER XIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I would</span> sooner undertake to explain
+the hardest problem in geometry, than pretend to account for it, that a
+gentleman of my father’s great good sense,&mdash;&mdash;knowing, as the
+reader must have observed him, and curious too in philosophy,&mdash;wise
+also in political reasoning,&mdash;and in polemical (as&nbsp;he will
+find) no way ignorant,&mdash;could be capable of entertaining a notion
+in his head, so out of the common track,&mdash;that I fear the reader,
+when I come to mention it to him, if he is the least of a cholerick
+temper, will immediately throw the book by; if mercurial, he will laugh
+most heartily at it;&mdash;and if he is of a grave and saturnine cast,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page39" id = "page39">39</a></span>
+he will, at first sight, absolutely condemn as fanciful and extravagant;
+and that was in respect to the choice and imposition of christian names,
+on which he thought a great deal more depended than what superficial
+minds were capable of conceiving.</p>
+
+<p>His opinion, in this matter, was, That there was a strange kind of
+magick bias, which good or bad names, as he called them, irresistibly
+impressed upon our characters and conduct.</p>
+
+<p>The hero of <i>Cervantes</i> argued not the point with more
+seriousness,&mdash;&mdash;nor had he more faith,&mdash;&mdash;or more to
+say on the powers of necromancy in dishonouring his deeds,&mdash;or on
+<span class = "smallcaps">Dulcinea’s</span> name, in shedding lustre
+upon them, than my father had on those of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Trismegistus</span> or <span class =
+"smallcaps">Archimedes</span>, on the one hand&mdash;or of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Nyky</span> and <span class = "smallcaps">Simkin</span> on
+the other. How many <span class = "smallcaps">CĂŚsars</span> and <span
+class = "smallcaps">Pompeys</span>, he would say, by mere inspiration of
+the names, have been rendered worthy of them? And how many, he would
+add, are there, who might have done exceeding well in the world, had not
+their characters and spirits been totally depressed and <span class =
+"smallcaps">Nicomedus’d</span> into nothing?</p>
+
+<p>I see plainly, Sir, by your looks (or as the case happened), my
+father would say&mdash;that you do not heartily subscribe to this
+opinion of mine,&mdash;which, to those, he would add, who have not
+carefully sifted it to the bottom,&mdash;I&nbsp;own has an air more of
+fancy than of solid reasoning in it;&mdash;&mdash;and yet, my dear Sir,
+if I may presume to know your character, I&nbsp;am morally assured,
+I&nbsp;should hazard little in stating a case to you,&mdash;not as a
+party in the dispute,&mdash;but as a judge, and trusting my appeal upon
+it to your own good sense and candid disquisition in this
+matter;&mdash;&mdash;you are a person free from as many narrow
+prejudices of education as most men;&mdash;and, if I may presume to
+penetrate farther into you,&mdash;of a liberality of genius above
+bearing down an opinion, merely because it wants friends. Your
+son,&mdash;your dear son,&mdash;from whose sweet and open temper you
+have so much to expect.&mdash;Your <span class =
+"smallcaps">Billy</span>, Sir!&mdash;would you, for the world, have
+called him <span class = "smallcaps">Judas</span>?&mdash;Would you, my
+dear Sir, he would say, laying his hand upon your breast, with the
+genteelest address,&mdash;and in that soft and irresistible <i>piano</i>
+of voice, which the nature of the <i>argumentum ad hominem</i>
+absolutely requires,&mdash;Would you, Sir, if a <i>Jew</i> of a
+godfather had proposed the name for your child, and offered you his
+purse along with it, would you have consented to such a desecration of
+him?&mdash;&mdash;O my God! he would say, looking up, if I know your
+temper right, Sir,&mdash;you are incapable of it;&mdash;&mdash;you would
+have trampled
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page40" id = "page40">40</a></span>
+upon the offer;&mdash;you would have thrown the temptation at the
+tempter’s head with abhorrence.</p>
+
+<p>Your greatness of mind in this action, which I admire, with that
+generous contempt of money, which you shew me in the whole transaction,
+is really noble;&mdash;and what renders it more so, is the principle of
+it;&mdash;the workings of a parent’s love upon the truth and conviction
+of this very hypothesis, namely, That was your son called <span class =
+"smallcaps">Judas</span>,&mdash;the sordid and treacherous idea, so
+inseparable from the name, would have accompanied him through life like
+his shadow, and, in the end, made a miser and a rascal of him, in spite,
+Sir, of your example.</p>
+
+<p>I never knew a man able to answer this argument.&mdash;&mdash;But,
+indeed, to speak of my father as he was;&mdash;he was certainly
+irresistible;&mdash;both in his orations and disputations;&mdash;he was
+born an orator;&mdash;<span class = "greek" title =
+"Theodidaktos">Θεοδίδακτος</span>.&mdash;Persuasion hung upon his lips,
+and the elements of Logick and Rhetorick were so blended up in
+him,&mdash;and, withal, he had so shrewd a guess at the weaknesses and
+passions of his respondent,&mdash;&mdash;that <span class =
+"smallcaps">Nature</span> might have stood up and said,&mdash;“This man
+is eloquent.”&mdash;In short, whether he was on the weak or the strong
+side of the question, ’twas hazardous in either case to attack
+him.&mdash;And yet, ’tis strange, he had never read <i>Cicero</i>, nor
+<i>Quintilian de Oratore</i>, nor <i>Isocrates</i>, nor
+<i>Aristotle</i>, nor <i>Longinus</i> amongst the antients;&mdash;nor
+<i>Vossius</i>, nor <i>Skioppius</i>, nor <i>Ramus</i>, nor
+<i>Farnaby</i> amongst the moderns;&mdash;and what is more astonishing,
+he had never in his whole life the least light or spark of subtilty
+struck into his mind, by one single lecture upon <i>Crackenthorp</i> or
+<i>Burgersdicius</i>, or any Dutch logician or commentator;&mdash;he
+knew not so much as in what the difference of an argument <i>ad
+ignorantiam</i>, and an argument <i>ad hominem</i> consisted; so that I
+well remember, when he went up along with me to enter my name at
+<i>Jesus College</i> in ****,&mdash;it was a matter of just wonder with
+my worthy tutor, and two or three fellows of that learned
+society,&mdash;that a man who knew not so much as the names of his
+tools, should be able to work after that fashion with them.</p>
+
+<p>To work with them in the best manner he could, was what my father
+was, however, perpetually forced upon;&mdash;&mdash;for he had a
+thousand little sceptical notions of the comick kind to
+defend&mdash;&mdash;most of which notions, I&nbsp;verily believe, at
+first entered upon the footing of mere whims, and of a <i>vive la
+Bagatelle</i>; and as such he would make merry with them for half an
+hour or so, and having sharpened his wit upon them, dismiss them till
+another day.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page41" id = "page41">41</a></span>
+<p>I mention this, not only as matter of hypothesis or conjecture upon
+the progress and establishment of my father’s many odd
+opinions,&mdash;but as a warning to the learned reader against the
+indiscreet reception of such guests, who, after a free and undisturbed
+entrance, for some years, into our brains,&mdash;at length claim a kind
+of settlement there,&mdash;&mdash;working sometimes like
+yeast;&mdash;but more generally after the manner of the gentle passion,
+beginning in jest,&mdash;but ending in downright earnest.</p>
+
+<p>Whether this was the case of the singularity of my father’s
+notions&mdash;or that his judgment, at length, became the dupe of his
+wit;&mdash;or how far, in many of his notions, he might, though odd, be
+absolutely right;&mdash;&mdash;the reader, as he comes at them, shall
+decide. All that I maintain here, is, that in this one, of the influence
+of christian names, however it gained footing, he was serious;&mdash;he
+was all uniformity;&mdash;he was systematical, and, like all systematick
+reasoners, he would move both heaven and earth, and twist and torture
+everything in nature, to support his hypothesis. In a word,
+I&nbsp;repeat it over again;&mdash;he was serious;&mdash;and, in
+consequence of it, he would lose all kind of patience whenever he saw
+people, especially of condition, who should have known
+better,&mdash;&mdash;as careless and as indifferent about the name they
+imposed upon their child,&mdash;or more so, than in the choice of
+<i>Ponto</i> or <i>Cupid</i> for their puppy-dog.</p>
+
+<p>This, he would say, look’d ill;&mdash;and had, moreover, this
+particular aggravation in it, viz., That when once a vile name was
+wrongfully or injudiciously given, ’twas not like the case of a man’s
+character, which, when wrong’d, might hereafter be
+cleared;&mdash;&mdash;and, possibly, some time or other, if not in the
+man’s life, at least after his death,&mdash;be, somehow or other, set to
+rights with the world: But the injury of this, he would say, could never
+be undone;&mdash;nay, he doubted even whether an act of parliament could
+reach it:&mdash;&mdash;He knew as well as you, that the legislature
+assumed a power over surnames;&mdash;but for very strong reasons, which
+he could give, it had never yet adventured, he would say, to go a step
+farther.</p>
+
+<p>It was observable, that tho’ my father, in consequence of this
+opinion, had, as I have told you, the strongest likings and dislikings
+towards certain names;&mdash;that there were still numbers of names
+which hung so equally in the balance before him, that they were
+absolutely indifferent to him. <i>Jack</i>, <i>Dick</i>, and <i>Tom</i>
+were of this class: These my father called neutral
+names;&mdash;affirming of them, without a satire, That there had been as
+many knaves and fools, at least, as wise and good men, since the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page42" id = "page42">42</a></span>
+world began, who had indifferently borne them;&mdash;so that, like equal
+forces acting against each other in contrary directions, he thought they
+mutually destroyed each other’s effects; for which reason, he would
+often declare, He would not give a cherry-stone to choose amongst them.
+<i>Bob</i>, which was my brother’s name, was another of these neutral
+kinds of christian names, which operated very little either way; and as
+my father happen’d to be at <i>Epsom</i>, when it was given
+him,&mdash;he would oft-times thank Heaven it was no worse.
+<i>Andrew</i> was something like a negative quantity in Algebra with
+him;&mdash;’twas worse, he said, than nothing.&mdash;<i>William</i>
+stood pretty high:&mdash;&mdash;<i>Numps</i> again was low with
+him:&mdash;and <i>Nick</i>, he said, was the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Devil</span>.</p>
+
+<p>But, of all the names in the universe, he had the most unconquerable
+aversion for <span class = "smallcaps">Tristram</span>;&mdash;he had the
+lowest and most contemptible opinion of it of anything in the
+world,&mdash;thinking it could possibly produce nothing in <i>rerum
+naturâ</i>, but what was extremely mean and pitiful: So that in the
+midst of a dispute on the subject, in which, by the bye, he was
+frequently involved,&mdash;&mdash;he would sometimes break off in a
+sudden and spirited <span class = "smallcaps">Epiphonema</span>, or
+rather <span class = "smallcaps">Erotesis</span>, raised a third, and
+sometimes a full fifth above the key of the discourse,&mdash;&mdash;and
+demand it categorically of his antagonist, Whether he would take upon
+him to say, he had ever remembered,&mdash;&mdash;whether he had ever
+read,&mdash;or even whether he had ever heard tell of a man, called
+<i>Tristram</i>, performing anything great or worth
+recording?&mdash;No,&mdash;he would say,&mdash;<span class =
+"smallcaps">Tristram!</span>&mdash;The thing is impossible.</p>
+
+<p>What could be wanting in my father but to have wrote a book to
+publish this notion of his to the world? Little boots it to the subtle
+speculatist to stand single in his opinions,&mdash;unless he gives them
+proper vent:&mdash;It was the identical thing which my father
+did:&mdash;for in the year sixteen, which was two years before I was
+born, he was at the pains of writing an express <span class =
+"smallcaps">Dissertation</span> simply upon the word
+<i>Tristram</i>,&mdash;shewing the world, with great candour and
+modesty, the grounds of his great abhorrence to the name.</p>
+
+<p>When this story is compared with the title-page,&mdash;Will not the
+gentle reader pity my father from his soul?&mdash;to see an orderly and
+well-disposed gentleman, who tho’ singular,&mdash;yet inoffensive in his
+notions,&mdash;so played upon in them by cross purposes;&mdash;&mdash;to
+look down upon the stage, and see him baffled and overthrown in all his
+little systems and wishes; to behold a train of events
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page43" id = "page43">43</a></span>
+perpetually falling out against him, and in so critical and cruel a way,
+as if they had purposedly been plann’d and pointed against him, merely
+to insult his speculations.&mdash;&mdash;In a word, to behold such a
+one, in his old age, ill-fitted for troubles, ten times in a day
+suffering sorrow;&mdash;ten times in a day calling the child of his
+prayers <span class = "smallcaps">Tristram!</span>&mdash;Melancholy
+dissyllable of sound! which, to his ears, was unison to
+<i>Nincompoop</i>, and every name vituperative under
+heaven.&mdash;&mdash;By his ashes! I&nbsp;swear it,&mdash;if ever
+malignant spirit took pleasure, or busied itself in traversing the
+purposes of mortal man,&mdash;it must have been here;&mdash;and if it
+was not necessary I should be born before I was christened, I&nbsp;would
+this moment give the reader an account of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXX" id = "bookI_chapXX">
+CHAPTER XX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">How</span> could you,
+Madam, be so inattentive in reading the last chapter? I&nbsp;told you in
+it, <i>That my mother was not a papist</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Papist! You
+told me no such thing, Sir.&mdash;Madam, I&nbsp;beg leave to repeat it
+over again, that I told you as plain, at least, as words, by direct
+inference, could tell you such a thing.&mdash;Then, Sir, I&nbsp;must
+have miss’d a page.&mdash;No, Madam,&mdash;you have not miss’d a
+word.&mdash;&mdash;Then I was asleep, Sir.&mdash;My pride, Madam, cannot
+allow you that refuge.&mdash;&mdash;Then, I&nbsp;declare, I&nbsp;know
+nothing at all about the matter.&mdash;That, Madam, is the very fault I
+lay to your charge; and as a punishment for it, I&nbsp;do insist upon
+it, that you immediately turn back, that is, as soon as you get to the
+next full stop, and read the whole chapter over again. I&nbsp;have
+imposed this penance upon the lady, neither out of wantonness nor
+cruelty; but from the best of motives; and therefore shall make her no
+apology for it when she returns back:&mdash;’Tis to rebuke a vicious
+taste, which has crept into thousands besides herself,&mdash;of reading
+straight forwards, more in quest of the adventures, than of the deep
+erudition and knowledge which a book of this cast, if read over as it
+should be, would infallibly impart with them&mdash;&mdash;The mind
+should be accustomed to make wise reflections, and draw curious
+conclusions as it goes along; the habitude of which made <i>Pliny</i>
+the younger affirm, “That he never read a book so bad, but he drew some
+profit from it.” The stories of <i>Greece</i> and <i>Rome</i>, run over
+without this turn and application,&mdash;do less service, I&nbsp;affirm
+it, than the history of <i>Parismus</i> and <i>Parismenus</i>, or of the
+Seven Champions of <i>England</i>, read with&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page44" id = "page44">44</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;But here comes my fair lady. Have you read over
+again the chapter, Madam, as I desired you?&mdash;You have: And did you
+not observe the passage, upon the second reading, which admits the
+inference?&mdash;&mdash;Not a word like it! Then, Madam, be pleased to
+ponder well the last line but one of the chapter, where I take upon me
+to say, “It was <i>necessary</i> I should be born before I was
+christen’d.” Had my mother, Madam, been a Papist, that consequence did
+not follow.<a class = "tag" name = "tag_1_1" id = "tag_1_1" href =
+"#note_1_1">1</a></p>
+
+<p>It is a terrible misfortune for this same book of mine, but more so
+to the Republick of letters;&mdash;so that my own is quite swallowed up
+in the consideration of it,&mdash;that this selfsame vile pruriency for
+fresh adventures in all things, has got so strongly into our habit and
+humour,&mdash;and so wholly intent are we upon satisfying the impatience
+of our concupiscence that way,&mdash;that nothing but the gross and more
+carnal parts of a composition will go down:&mdash;The subtle hints and
+sly communications of science fly off, like spirits
+upwards,&mdash;&mdash;the heavy moral escapes downwards; and both the
+one and the other are as much lost to the world, as if they were still
+left in the bottom of the ink-horn.</p>
+
+<p>I wish the male-reader has not pass’d by many a one, as quaint and
+curious as this one, in which the female-reader has been detected.
+I&nbsp;wish it may have its effects;&mdash;and that all good people,
+both male and female, from her example, may be taught to think as well
+as read.</p>
+
+<h5><a name = "bookI_baptism" id = "bookI_baptism"><span class =
+"smallcaps">Memoire</span></a> presentĂŠ Ă  Messieurs les Docteurs de
+<span class = "smallcaps">Sorbonne</span><a class = "tag" name =
+"tag_1_2" id = "tag_1_2" href = "#note_1_2">2</a></h5>
+
+<p class = "ital">
+Un Chirurgien Accoucheur, represente Ă  Messieurs les Docteurs de <span
+class = "smallcaps">Sorbonne</span>, qu’il y a des cas, quoique très
+rares, où une mere ne sçauroit accoucher, &amp; même où l’enfant est
+tellement renfermĂŠ
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page45" id = "page45">45</a></span>
+dans le sein de sa mere, qu’il ne fait parôitre aucune partie de son
+corps, ce qui seroit un cas, suivant les Rituels, de lui confĂŠrer, du
+moins sous condition, le baptĂŞme. Le Chirurgien, qui consulte, prĂŠtend,
+par le moyen d’une <em>petite canulle</em>, de pouvoir baptiser
+immediatement l’enfant, sans faire aucun tort à la mere.&mdash;&mdash;Il
+demand si ce moyen, qu’il vient de proposer, est permis &amp; légitime,
+&amp; s’il peut s’en servir dans les cas qu’il vient d’exposer.</p>
+
+
+<h5><a name = "bookI_reply" id = "bookI_reply">REPONSE</a></h5>
+
+<p class = "ital">
+Le Conseil estime, que la question proposĂŠe souffre de grandes
+difficultés. Les Théologiens posent d’un côté pour principe, que le
+baptĂŞme, qui est une naissance spirituelle, suppose une premiere
+naissance; il faut ĂŞtre nĂŠ dans le monde, pour renaĂŽtre en <em>Jesus
+Christ</em>, comme ils l’enseignent. <em>S.&nbsp;Thomas, 3&nbsp;part,
+quĂŚst. 88, artic. II</em>, suit cette doctrine comme une veritĂŠ
+constante; l’on ne peut, dit ce S.&nbsp;Docteur, baptiser les enfans qui
+sont renfermĂŠs dans le sein de leurs meres, &amp;
+<em>S.&nbsp;Thomas</em> est fondĂŠ sur ce, que les enfans ne sont point
+nés, &amp; ne peuvent être comptés parmi les autres hommes; d’où il
+conclud, qu’ils ne peuvent être l’objet d’une action extérieure, pour
+reçevoir par leur ministÊre, les sacremens nÊcessaires au salut:
+<em>Pueri in maternis uteris existentes nondum prodierunt in lucem ut
+cum aliis hominibus vitam ducant; unde non possunt subjici actioni
+humanĂŚ, ut per eorum ministerium sacramenta recipiant ad salutem.</em>
+Les rituels ordonnent dans la pratique ce que les thĂŠologiens ont ĂŠtabli
+sur les mêmes matiéres, &amp; ils deffendent tous d’une maniére
+uniforme, de baptiser les enfans qui sont renfermĂŠs dans le sein de
+leurs meres, s’ils ne font paroître quelque partie de leurs corps. Le
+concours des thĂŠologiens, &amp; des rituels, qui sont les rĂŠgles des
+diocĂŠses, paroit former une autoritĂŠ qui termine la question presente;
+cependant le conseil de conscience considerant d’un côté, que le
+raisonnement des thĂŠologiens est uniquement fondĂŠ sur une raison de
+convenance, &amp; que la deffense des rituels suppose que l’on ne peut
+baptiser immediatement les enfans ainsi renfermĂŠs dans le sein de leurs
+meres, ce qui est contre la supposition presente; &amp; d’un autre côté,
+considerant que les mêmes théologiens enseignent, que l’on peut risquer
+les sacremens que <em>Jesus Christ</em> a ĂŠtablis comme des moyens
+faciles, mais nécessaires pour sanctifier les hommes; &amp; d’ailleurs
+estimant, que les enfans renfermĂŠs dans le sein de leurs meres,
+pourroient être capables de salut, parcequ’ils sont capables de
+damnation;&mdash;pour ces considerations, &amp; en egard à l’exposé,
+suivant lequel on
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page46" id = "page46">46</a></span>
+assure avoir trouvĂŠ un moyen certain de baptiser ces enfans ainsi
+renfermés, sans faire aucun tort à la mere, le Conseil estime que l’on
+pourroit se servir du moyen proposé, dans la confiance qu’il a, que Dieu
+n’a point laissé ces sortes d’enfans sans aucuns secours, &amp;
+supposant, comme il est exposé, que le moyen dont il s’agit est propre à
+leur procurer le baptême; cependant comme il s’agiroit, en autorisant la
+pratique proposĂŠe, de changer une regie universellement ĂŠtablie, le
+Conseil croit que celui qui consulte doit s’addresser à son evêque,
+&amp; à qui il appartient de juger de l’utilité, &amp; du danger du
+moyen proposé, &amp; comme, sous le bon plaisir de l’evêque, le Conseil
+estime qu’il faudroit recourir au Pape, qui a le droit d’expliquer les
+régles de l’eglise, &amp; d’y déroger dans le cas, ou la loi ne sçauroit
+obliger, quelque sage &amp; quelque utile que paroisse la maniĂŠre de
+baptiser dont il s’agit, le Conseil ne pourroit l’approuver sans le
+concours de ces deux autoritĂŠs. On conseile au moins Ă  celui qui
+consulte, de s’addresser à son evêque, &amp; de lui faire part de la
+presente dĂŠcision, afin que, si le prelat entre dans les raisons sur
+lesquelles les docteurs soussignés s’appuyent, il puisse être autorisé
+dans le cas de nécessité, ou il risqueroit trop d’attendre que la
+permission fût demandée &amp; accordée d’employer le moyen qu’il propose
+si avantageux au salut de l’enfant. Au reste, le Conseil, en estimant
+que l’on pourroit s’en servir, croit cependant, que si les enfans dont
+il s’agit, venoient au monde, contre l’esperance de ceux qui se seroient
+servis du mĂŞme moyen, il seroit nĂŠcessaire de les baptiser sous
+condition; &amp; en cela le Conseil se conforme Ă  tous les rituels, qui
+en autorisant le baptême d’un enfant qui fait paroître quelque partie de
+son corps, enjoignent nĂŠantmoins, &amp; ordonnent de le baptiser sous
+condition, s’il vient heureusement au monde.</p>
+
+<p>DeliberĂŠ en <i>Sorbonne</i>, le 10 <i>Avril</i>, 1733.</p>
+
+<p class = "right smallcaps">
+A. Le Moyne.<br />
+L. De Romigny.<br />
+De Marcilly.</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+Mr. <i>Tristram Shandy’s</i> compliments to Messrs. <i>Le Moyne</i>,
+<i>De Romigny</i>, and <i>De Marcilly</i>; hopes they all rested well
+the night after so tiresome a consultation.&mdash;He begs to know,
+whether after the ceremony of marriage, and before that of consummation,
+the baptizing all the <span class = "smallcaps">Homunculi</span> at
+once, slapdash, by <i>injection</i>, would not be a shorter and safer
+cut still; on condition, as above, That if the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Homunculi</span> do well, and come safe into the world after
+this, that each and every of them shall be baptized again (<i>sous
+condition</i>)&mdash;&mdash;And provided, in the second
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page47" id = "page47">47</a></span>
+place, That the thing can be done, which <i>Mr. Shandy</i> apprehends it
+may, <i>par le moyen d’une</i> petite canulle, and <i>sans faire aucun
+tort au pere</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXXI" id = "bookI_chapXXI">
+CHAPTER XXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I wonder what’s all that noise, and running backwards
+and forwards for, above stairs, quoth my father, addressing himself,
+after an hour and a half’s silence, to my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;&mdash;who, you must know, was sitting on the
+opposite side of the fire, smoking his social pipe all the time, in mute
+contemplation of a new pair of black plush-breeches which he had got
+on:&mdash;What can they be doing, brother?&mdash;quoth my
+father,&mdash;we can scarce hear ourselves talk.</p>
+
+<p>I think, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>, taking his pipe from his
+mouth, and striking the head of it two or three times upon the nail of
+his left thumb, as he began his sentence,&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;think,
+says he:&mdash;&mdash;But to enter rightly into my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+sentiments upon this matter, you must be made to enter first a little
+into his character, the outlines of which I shall just give you, and
+then the dialogue between him and my father will go on as well
+again.</p>
+
+<p>Pray what was that man’s name,&mdash;for I write in such a hurry,
+I&nbsp;have no time to recollect or look for it,&mdash;&mdash;who first
+made the observation, “That there was great inconstancy in our air and
+climate?” Whoever he was, ’twas a just and good observation in
+him.&mdash;But the corollary drawn from it, namely, “That it is this
+which has furnished us with such a variety of odd and whimsical
+characters;”&mdash;that was not his;&mdash;it was found out by another
+man, at least a century and a half after him: Then again,&mdash;that
+this copious store-house of original materials, is the true and natural
+cause that our Comedies are so much better than those of <i>France</i>,
+or any others that either have, or can be wrote upon the
+Continent:&mdash;&mdash;that discovery was not fully made till about the
+middle of King <i>William’s</i> reign,&mdash;when the great
+<i>Dryden</i>, in writing one of his long prefaces, (if&nbsp;I mistake
+not) most fortunately hit upon it. Indeed toward the latter end of Queen
+<i>Anne</i>, the great <i>Addison</i> began to patronize the notion, and
+more fully explained it to the world in one or two of his
+Spectators;&mdash;but the discovery was not his.&mdash;Then, fourthly
+and lastly, that this strange irregularity in our climate, producing so
+strange an irregularity in our characters,&mdash;&mdash;doth thereby, in
+some sort, make us amends, by giving us somewhat to make
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page48" id = "page48">48</a></span>
+us merry with when the weather will not suffer us to go out of
+doors,&mdash;that observation is my own;&mdash;and was struck out by me
+this very rainy day, <i>March</i> 26, 1759, and betwixt the hours of
+nine and ten in the morning.</p>
+
+<p>Thus&mdash;thus, my fellow-labourers and associates in this great
+harvest of our learning, now ripening before our eyes; thus it is, by
+slow steps of casual increase, that our knowledge physical,
+metaphysical, physiological, polemical, nautical, mathematical,
+ĂŚnigmatical, technical, biographical, romantical, chemical, and
+obstetrical, with fifty other branches of it, (most of ’em ending as
+these do, in <i>ical</i>) have for these two last centuries and more,
+gradually been creeping upwards towards that <span class = "greek" title
+= "Akmê">ៈκΟὴ</span> of their perfections, from which, if we may form a
+conjecture from the advances of these last seven years, we cannot
+possibly be far off.</p>
+
+<p>When that happens, it is to be hoped, it will put an end to all kind
+of writings whatsoever;&mdash;the want of all kind of writing will put
+an end to all kind of reading;&mdash;and that in time, <i>As war begets
+poverty; poverty peace</i>,&mdash;&mdash;must, in course, put an end to
+all kind of knowledge,&mdash;and then&mdash;&mdash;we shall have all to
+begin over again; or, in other words, be exactly where we started.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Happy! thrice happy times! I only wish that the
+ĂŚra of my begetting, as well as the mode and manner of it, had been a
+little alter’d,&mdash;&mdash;or that it could have been put off, with
+any convenience to my father or mother, for some twenty or
+five-and-twenty years longer, when a man in the literary world might
+have stood some <span class = "locked">chance.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>But I forget my uncle <i>Toby</i>, whom all this while we have left
+knocking the ashes out of his tobacco-pipe.</p>
+
+<p>His humour was of that particular species, which does honour to our
+atmosphere; and I should have made no scruple of ranking him amongst one
+of the first-rate productions of it, had not there appeared too many
+strong lines in it of a family-likeness, which shewed that he derived
+the singularity of his temper more from blood, than either wind or
+water, or any modifications or combinations of them whatever: And I
+have, therefore, oft-times wondered, that my father, tho’ I&nbsp;believe
+he had his reasons for it, upon his observing some tokens of
+eccentricity, in my course, when I was a boy,&mdash;should never once
+endeavour to account for them in this way: for all the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Shandy Family</span> were of an original character
+throughout:&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;mean the males,&mdash;the females had no
+character at all,&mdash;except, indeed, my great aunt <span class =
+"smallcaps">Dinah</span>, who, about sixty years ago, was married and
+got with child by the coachman, for which my father, according to
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page49" id = "page49">49</a></span>
+his hypothesis of christian names, would often say, She might thank her
+godfathers and godmothers.</p>
+
+<p>It will seem very strange,&mdash;&mdash;and I would as soon think of
+dropping a riddle in the reader’s way, which is not my interest to do,
+as set him upon guessing how it could come to pass, that an event of
+this kind, so many years after it had happened, should be reserved for
+the interruption of the peace and unity, which otherwise so cordially
+subsisted, between my father and my uncle <i>Toby</i>. One would have
+thought, that the whole force of the misfortune should have spent and
+wasted itself in the family at first,&mdash;as is generally the
+case.&mdash;But nothing ever wrought with our family after the ordinary
+way. Possibly at the very time this happened, it might have something
+else to afflict it; and as afflictions are sent down for our good, and
+that as this had never done the <span class = "smallcaps">Shandy
+Family</span> any good at all, it might lie waiting till apt times and
+circumstances should give it an opportunity to discharge its
+office.&mdash;&mdash;Observe, I&nbsp;determine nothing upon
+this.&mdash;&mdash;My way is ever to point out to the curious, different
+tracts of investigation, to come at the first springs of the events I
+tell;&mdash;not with a pedantic <i>Fescue</i>,&mdash;or in the decisive
+manner of <i>Tacitus</i>, who outwits himself and his reader;&mdash;but
+with the officious humility of a heart devoted to the assistance merely
+of the inquisitive;&mdash;to them I write,&mdash;&mdash;and by them I
+shall be read,&mdash;&mdash;if any such reading as this could be
+supposed to hold out so long,&mdash;to the very end of the world.</p>
+
+<p>Why this cause of sorrow, therefore, was thus reserved for my father
+and uncle, is undetermined by me. But how and in what direction it
+exerted itself so as to become the cause of dissatisfaction between
+them, after it began to operate, is what I am able to explain with great
+exactness, and is as follows:</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <span class = "smallcaps">Toby Shandy</span>, Madam, was a
+gentleman, who, with the virtues which usually constitute the character
+of a man of honour and rectitude,&mdash;&mdash;possessed one in a very
+eminent degree, which is seldom or never put into the catalogue; and
+that was a most extreme and unparallel’d modesty of
+nature;&mdash;&mdash;though I correct the word nature, for this reason,
+that I may not prejudge a point which must shortly come to a hearing,
+and that is, Whether this modesty of his was natural or
+acquir’d.&mdash;&mdash;Whichever way my uncle <i>Toby</i> came by it,
+’twas nevertheless modesty in the truest sense of it; and that is,
+Madam, not in regard to words, for he was so unhappy as to have very
+little choice in them,&mdash;but to things;&mdash;&mdash;and this kind
+of modesty so possessed him, and it arose to such a height in him, as
+almost
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page50" id = "page50">50</a></span>
+to equal, if such a thing could be, even the modesty of a woman: That
+female nicety, Madam, and inward cleanliness of mind and fancy, in your
+sex, which makes you so much the awe of ours.</p>
+
+<p>You will imagine, Madam, that my uncle <i>Toby</i> had contracted all
+this from this very source;&mdash;that he had spent a great part of his
+time in converse with your sex; and that from a thorough knowledge of
+you, and the force of imitation which such fair examples render
+irresistible, he had acquired this amiable turn <ins class =
+"correction" title = "text has ‘or’">of</ins> mind.</p>
+
+<p>I wish I could say so,&mdash;for unless it was with his
+sister-in-law, my father’s wife and my mother&mdash;&mdash;my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> scarce exchanged three words with the sex in as many
+years;&mdash;no, he got it, Madam, by a
+blow.&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;blow!&mdash;Yes, Madam, it was owing to a blow
+from a stone, broke off by a ball from the parapet of a horn-work at the
+siege of <i>Namur</i>, which struck full upon my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+groin.&mdash;Which way could that effect it? The story of that, Madam,
+is long and interesting;&mdash;but it would be running my history all
+upon heaps to give it you here.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis for an episode
+hereafter; and every circumstance relating to it, in its proper place,
+shall be faithfully laid before you:&mdash;’Till then, it is not in my
+power to give farther light into this matter, or say more than what I
+have said already,&mdash;&mdash;That my uncle <i>Toby</i> was a
+gentleman of unparallel’d modesty, which happening to be somewhat
+subtilized and rarified by the constant heat of a little family
+pride,&mdash;&mdash;they both so wrought together within him, that he
+could never bear to hear the affair of my aunt <span class =
+"smallcaps">Dinah</span> touch’d upon, but with the greatest
+emotion.&mdash;&mdash;The least hint of it was enough to make the blood
+fly into his face;&mdash;but when my father enlarged upon the story in
+mixed companies, which the illustration of his hypothesis frequently
+obliged him to do,&mdash;the unfortunate blight of one of the fairest
+branches of the family, would set my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> honour and
+modesty o’bleeding; and he would often take my father aside, in the
+greatest concern imaginable, to expostulate and tell him, he would give
+him anything in the world, only to let the story rest.</p>
+
+<p>My father, I believe, had the truest love and tenderness for my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, that ever one brother bore towards another, and would have
+done any thing in nature, which one brother in reason could have desir’d
+of another, to have made my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> heart easy in this, or
+any other point. But this lay out of his power.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;My father, as I told you, was a philosopher in
+grain,&mdash;speculative,&mdash;systematical;&mdash;and my aunt
+<i>Dinah’s</i> affair was a
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page51" id = "page51">51</a></span>
+matter of as much consequence to him, as the retrogradation of the
+planets to <i>Copernicus</i>:&mdash;The backslidings of <i>Venus</i> in
+her orbit fortified the <i>Copernican</i> system, called so after his
+name; and the backslidings of my aunt <i>Dinah</i> in her orbit, did the
+same service in establishing my father’s system, which, I&nbsp;trust,
+will for ever hereafter be called the <i>Shandean System</i>, after
+this.</p>
+
+<p>In any other family dishonour, my father, I believe, had as nice a
+sense of shame as any man whatever;&mdash;&mdash;and neither he, nor,
+I&nbsp;dare say, <i>Copernicus</i>, would have divulged the affair in
+either case, or have taken the least notice of it to the world, but for
+the obligations they owed, as they thought, to truth.&mdash;<i>Amicus
+Plato</i>, my father would say, construing the words to my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, as he went along, <i>Amicus Plato</i>; that is, <span class
+= "smallcaps">Dinah</span> was my aunt;&mdash;<i>sed magis amica
+veritas</i>&mdash;&mdash;but <span class = "smallcaps">Truth</span> is
+my sister.</p>
+
+<p>This contrariety of humours betwixt my father and my uncle, was the
+source of many a fraternal squabble. The one could not bear to hear the
+tale of family disgrace recorded,&mdash;&mdash;and the other would
+scarce ever let a day pass to an end without some hint at&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>For God’s sake, my uncle <i>Toby</i> would cry,&mdash;&mdash;and for
+my sake, and for all our sakes, my dear brother <i>Shandy</i>,&mdash;do
+let this story of our aunt’s and her ashes sleep in
+peace;&mdash;&mdash;how can you,&mdash;&mdash;how can you have so little
+feeling and compassion for the character of our
+family?&mdash;&mdash;What is the character of a family to an hypothesis?
+my father would reply.&mdash;&mdash;Nay, if you come to that&mdash;what
+is the life of a family?&mdash;&mdash;The life of a family!&mdash;my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> would say, throwing himself back in his arm chair, and
+lifting up his hands, his eyes, and one leg.&mdash;&mdash;Yes, the
+life,&mdash;&mdash;my father would say, maintaining his point. How many
+thousands of ’em are there every year that come cast away, (in&nbsp;all
+civilized countries at least)&mdash;&mdash;and considered as nothing but
+common air, in competition of an hypothesis. In my plain sense of
+things, my uncle <i>Toby</i> would answer,&mdash;&mdash;every such
+instance is downright <span class = "smallcaps">Murder</span>, let who
+will commit it.&mdash;&mdash;There lies your mistake, my father would
+reply;&mdash;&mdash;for, in <i>Foro ScientiĂŚ</i> there is no such thing
+as <span class = "smallcaps">Murder</span>,&mdash;&mdash;’tis only <span
+class = "smallcaps">Death</span>, brother.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> would never offer to answer this by any other
+kind of argument, than that of whistling half a dozen bars of
+<i>Lillabullero</i>.&mdash;&mdash;You must know it was the usual channel
+thro’ which his passions got vent, when any thing shocked or surprized
+him:&mdash;&mdash;but especially when any thing, which he deem’d very
+absurd, was offered.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page52" id = "page52">52</a></span>
+<p>As not one of our logical writers, nor any of the commentators upon
+them, that I remember, have thought proper to give a name to this
+particular species of argument,&mdash;I&nbsp;here take the liberty to do
+it myself, for two reasons. First, That, in order to prevent all
+confusion in disputes, it may stand as much distinguished for ever, from
+every other species of argument&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;as the <i>Argumentum
+ad Verecundiam</i>, <i>ex Absurdo, ex Fortiori</i>, or any other
+argument whatsoever:&mdash;&mdash;And, secondly, That it may be said by
+my children’s children, when my head is laid to rest,&mdash;&mdash;that
+their learn’d grandfather’s head had been busied to as much purpose
+once, as other people’s;&mdash;That he had invented a name,&mdash;and
+generously thrown it into the <span class = "smallcaps">Treasury</span>
+of the <i>Ars Logica</i>, for one of the most unanswerable arguments in
+the whole science. And, if the end of disputation is more to silence
+than convince,&mdash;they may add, if they please, to one of the best
+arguments too.</p>
+
+<p>I do therefore, by these presents, strictly order and command, That
+it be known and distinguished by the name and title of the <i>Argumentum
+Fistulatorium</i>, and no other;&mdash;and that it rank hereafter with
+the <i>Argumentum Baculinum</i> and the <i>Argumentum ad Crumenam</i>,
+and for ever hereafter be treated of in the same chapter.</p>
+
+<p>As for the <i>Argumentum Tripodium</i>, which is never used but by
+the woman against the man;&mdash;and the <i>Argumentum ad Rem</i>,
+which, contrarywise, is made use of by the man only against the
+woman;&mdash;As these two are enough in conscience for one
+lecture;&mdash;&mdash;and, moreover, as the one is the best answer to
+the other,&mdash;let them likewise be kept apart, and be treated of in a
+place by themselves.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXXII" id = "bookI_chapXXII">
+CHAPTER XXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> learned Bishop <i>Hall</i>, I
+mean the famous Dr. <i>Joseph Hall</i>, who was Bishop of <i>Exeter</i>
+in King <i>James</i> the First’s reign, tells us in one of his
+<i>Decads</i>, at the end of his divine art of meditation, imprinted at
+<i>London</i>, in the year 1610, by <i>John Beal</i>, dwelling in
+<i>Aldersgate-street</i>, “That it is an abominable thing for a man to
+commend himself;”&mdash;&mdash;and I really think it is&nbsp;so.</p>
+
+<p>And yet, on the other hand, when a thing is executed in a masterly
+kind of a fashion, which thing is not likely to be found
+out;&mdash;I&nbsp;think it is full as abominable, that a man should lose
+the honour of it, and go out of the world with the conceit of it rotting
+in his head.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page53" id = "page53">53</a></span>
+<p>This is precisely my situation.</p>
+
+<p>For in this long digression which I was accidentally led into, as in
+all my digressions (one only excepted) there is a masterstroke of
+digressive skill, the merit of which has all along, I&nbsp;fear, been
+overlooked by my reader,&mdash;not for want of penetration in
+him,&mdash;but because ’tis an excellence seldom looked for, or expected
+indeed, in a digression;&mdash;and it is this: That tho’ my digressions
+are all fair, as you observe,&mdash;and that I fly off from what I am
+about, as far, and as often too, as any writer in <i>Great Britain</i>;
+yet I constantly take care to order affairs so that my main business
+does not stand still in my absence.</p>
+
+<p>I was just going, for example, to have given you the great outlines
+of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> most whimsical character;&mdash;when my aunt
+<i>Dinah</i> and the coachman came across us, and led us a vagary some
+millions of miles into the very heart of the planetary system:
+Notwithstanding all this, you perceive that the drawing of my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> character went on gently all the time;&mdash;not the great
+contours of it,&mdash;that was impossible,&mdash;but some familiar
+strokes and faint designations of it, were here and there touch’d on, as
+we went along, so that you are much better acquainted with my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> now than you was before.</p>
+
+<p>By this contrivance the machinery of my work is of a species by
+itself; two contrary motions are introduced into it, and reconciled,
+which were thought to be at variance with each other. In a word, my work
+is digressive, and it is progressive too,&mdash;and at the same
+time.</p>
+
+<p>This, Sir, is a very different story from that of the earth’s moving
+round her axis, in her diurnal rotation, with her progress in her
+elliptick orbit which brings about the year, and constitutes that
+variety and vicissitude of seasons we enjoy;&mdash;though I own it
+suggested the thought,&mdash;as I believe the greatest of our boasted
+improvements and discoveries have come from such trifling hints.</p>
+
+<p>Digressions, incontestably, are the sunshine;&mdash;&mdash;they are
+the life, the soul of reading!&mdash;take them out of this book, for
+instance,&mdash;you might as well take the book along with
+them;&mdash;one cold eternal winter would reign in every page of it;
+restore them to the writer;&mdash;he steps forth like a
+bridegroom,&mdash;bids All-hail; brings in variety, and forbids the
+appetite to fail.</p>
+
+<p>All the dexterity is in the good cookery and management of them, so
+as to be not only for the advantage of the reader, but also of the
+author, whose distress, in this matter, is truly pitiable: For, if he
+begins a digression,&mdash;from that moment, I&nbsp;observe,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page54" id = "page54">54</a></span>
+his whole work stands stock still;&mdash;and if he goes on with his main
+work,&mdash;then there is an end of his digression.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;This is vile work.&mdash;For which reason, from the
+beginning of this, you see, I&nbsp;have constructed the main work and
+the adventitious parts of it with such intersections, and have so
+complicated and involved the digressive and progressive movements, one
+wheel within another, that the whole machine, in general, has been kept
+a-going;&mdash;and, what’s more, it shall be kept a-going these forty
+years, if it pleases the fountain of health to bless me so long with
+life and good spirits.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXXIII" id = "bookI_chapXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I have</span> a strong propensity in me to
+begin this chapter very nonsensically, and I will not baulk my
+fancy.&mdash;Accordingly I set off thus:</p>
+
+<p>If the fixture of <i>Momus’s</i> glass in the human breast, according
+to the proposed emendation of that arch-critick, had taken
+place,&mdash;&mdash;first, This foolish consequence would certainly have
+followed,&mdash;That the very wisest and very gravest of us all, in one
+coin or other, must have paid window-money every day of our lives.</p>
+
+<p>And, secondly, That had the said glass been there set up, nothing
+more would have been wanting, in order to have taken a man’s character,
+but to have taken a chair and gone softly, as you would to a dioptrical
+beehive, and look’d in,&mdash;view’d the soul stark
+naked;&mdash;observed all her motions,&mdash;her
+machinations;&mdash;traced all her maggots from their first engendering
+to their crawling forth;&mdash;watched her loose in her frisks, her
+gambols, her capricios; and after some notice of her more solemn
+deportment, consequent upon such frisks, etc.&mdash;&mdash;then taken
+your pen and ink and set down nothing but what you had seen, and could
+have sworn to:&mdash;But this is an advantage not to be had by the
+biographer in this planet;&mdash;in the planet <i>Mercury</i> (belike)
+it may be so, if not better still for him;&mdash;&mdash;for there the
+intense heat of the country, which is proved by computators, from its
+vicinity to the sun, to be more than equal to that of red-hot
+iron,&mdash;must, I&nbsp;think, long ago have vitrified the bodies of
+the inhabitants, (as&nbsp;the efficient cause) to suit them for the
+climate (which is the final cause); so that betwixt them both, all the
+tenements of their souls, from top to bottom, may be nothing else, for
+aught the soundest philosophy can shew to the contrary, but one fine
+transparent body of clear glass (bating the umbilical
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page55" id = "page55">55</a></span>
+knot)&mdash;so that, till the inhabitants grow old and tolerably
+wrinkled, whereby the rays of light, in passing through them, become so
+monstrously refracted,&mdash;&mdash;or return reflected from their
+surfaces in such transverse lines to the eye, that a man cannot be seen
+through;&mdash;his soul might as well, unless for mere ceremony, or the
+trifling advantage which the umbilical point gave her,&mdash;might, upon
+all other accounts, I&nbsp;say, as well play the fool out o’doors as in
+her own house.</p>
+
+<p>But this, as I said above, is not the case of the inhabitants of this
+earth;&mdash;our minds shine not through the body, but are wrapt up here
+in a dark covering of uncrystalized flesh and blood; so that, if we
+would come to the specific characters of them, we must go some other way
+to work.</p>
+
+<p>Many, in good truth, are the ways, which human wit has been forced to
+take, to do this thing with exactness.</p>
+
+<p>Some, for instance, draw all their characters with
+wind-instruments.&mdash;<i>Virgil</i> takes notice of that way in the
+affair of <i>Dido</i> and <i>Æneas</i>;&mdash;but it is as fallacious as
+the breath of fame;&mdash;and, moreover, bespeaks a narrow genius.
+I&nbsp;am not ignorant that the <i>Italians</i> pretend to a
+mathematical exactness in their designations of one particular sort of
+character among them, from the <i>forte</i> or <i>piano</i> of a certain
+wind-instrument they use,&mdash;which they say is
+infallible.&mdash;I&nbsp;dare not mention the name of the instrument in
+this place;&mdash;’tis sufficient we have it amongst us,&mdash;but never
+think of making a drawing by it;&mdash;this is ĂŚnigmatical, and intended
+to be so, at least <i>ad populum</i>:&mdash;And therefore, I&nbsp;beg,
+Madam, when you come here, that you read on as fast as you can, and
+never stop to make any inquiry about&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>There are others again, who will draw a man’s character from no other
+helps in the world, but merely from his evacuations;&mdash;but this
+often gives a very incorrect outline,&mdash;unless, indeed, you take a
+sketch of his repletions too; and by correcting one drawing from the
+other, compound one good figure out of them both.</p>
+
+<p>I should have no objection to this method, but that I think it must
+smell too strong of the lamp,&mdash;and be render’d still more operose,
+by forcing you to have an eye to the rest of his
+<i>Non-naturals</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Why the most natural actions of a
+man’s life should be called his Non-naturals,&mdash;is another
+question.</p>
+
+<p>There are others, fourthly, who disdain every one of these
+expedients;&mdash;not from any fertility of their own, but from the
+various ways of doing it, which they have borrowed from the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page56" id = "page56">56</a></span>
+honourable devices which the Pentagraphic Brethren<a class = "tag" name
+= "tag_1_3" id = "tag_1_3" href = "#note_1_3">3</a> of the brush have
+shewn in taking copies.&mdash;These, you must know, are your great
+historians.</p>
+
+<p>One of these you will see drawing a full-length character <i>against
+the light</i>;&mdash;that’s illiberal,&mdash;dishonest,&mdash;and hard
+upon the character of the man who sits.</p>
+
+<p>Others, to mend the matter, will make a drawing of you in the
+<i>Camera</i>;&mdash;that is most unfair of all,&mdash;because,
+<i>there</i> you are sure to be represented in some of your most
+ridiculous attitudes.</p>
+
+<p>To avoid all and every one of these errors in giving you my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> character, I&nbsp;am determined to draw it by no
+mechanical help whatever;&mdash;&mdash;nor shall my pencil be guided by
+any one wind-instrument which ever was blown upon, either on this, or on
+the other side of the <i>Alps</i>;&mdash;nor will I consider either his
+repletions or his discharges,&mdash;or touch upon his
+Non-naturals&mdash;but, in a word, I&nbsp;will draw my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> character from his <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXXIV" id = "bookI_chapXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">If</span> I was not morally sure that the
+reader must be out of all patience for my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+character,&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;would here previously have convinced him
+that there is no instrument so fit to draw such a thing with, as that
+which I have pitch’d upon.</p>
+
+<p>A man and his <span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span>, tho’ I
+cannot say that they act and re-act exactly after the same manner in
+which the soul and body do upon each other: Yet doubtless there is a
+communication between them of some kind; and my opinion rather is, that
+there is something in it more of the manner of electrified
+bodies,&mdash;and that, by means of the heated parts of the rider, which
+come immediately into contact with the back of the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span>,&mdash;by long journeys and much
+friction, it so happens, that the body of the rider is at length fill’d
+as full of <span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horsical</span> matter as it
+can hold;&mdash;&mdash;so that if you are able to give but a clear
+description of the nature of the one, you may form a pretty exact notion
+of the genius and character of the other.</p>
+
+<p>Now the <span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span> which my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> always rode upon, was in my opinion a <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span> well worth giving a description of, if it
+was only upon the score of his great singularity;&mdash;for
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page57" id = "page57">57</a></span>
+you might have travelled from <i>York</i> to <i>Dover</i>,&mdash;from
+<i>Dover</i> to <i>Penzance</i> in <i>Cornwall</i>, and from
+<i>Penzance</i> to <i>York</i> back again, and not have seen such
+another upon the road; or if you had seen such a one, whatever haste you
+had been in, you must infallibly have stopp’d to have taken a view of
+him. Indeed, the gait and figure of him was so strange, and so utterly
+unlike was he, from his head to his tail, to any one of the whole
+species, that it was now and then made a matter of
+dispute,&mdash;&mdash;whether he was really a <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span> or no: but as the Philosopher would use
+no other argument to the Sceptic, who disputed with him against the
+reality of motion, save that of rising up upon his legs, and walking
+across the room;&mdash;so would my uncle <i>Toby</i> use no other
+argument to prove his <span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span> was a
+<span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span> indeed, but by getting upon
+his back and riding him about;&mdash;leaving the world, after that, to
+determine the point as it thought fit.</p>
+
+<p>In good truth, my uncle <i>Toby</i> mounted him with so much
+pleasure, and he carried my uncle <i>Toby</i> so well,&mdash;&mdash;that
+he troubled his head very little with what the world either said or
+thought about&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>It is now high time, however, that I give you a description of
+him:&mdash;But to go on regularly, I&nbsp;only beg you will give me
+leave to acquaint you first, how my uncle <i>Toby</i> came by him.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookI_chapXXV" id = "bookI_chapXXV">
+CHAPTER XXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> wound in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+groin, which he received at the siege of <i>Namur</i>, rendering him
+unfit for the service, it was thought expedient he should return to
+<i>England</i>, in order, if possible, to be set to rights.</p>
+
+<p>He was four years totally confined,&mdash;part of it to his bed, and
+all of it to his room: and in the course of his cure, which was all that
+time in hand, suffer’d unspeakable miseries,&mdash;owing to a succession
+of exfoliations from the <i>os pubis</i>, and the outward edge of that
+part of the <i>coxendix</i> called the <i>os
+illium</i>,&mdash;&mdash;both which bones were dismally crush’d, as much
+by the irregularity of the stone, which I told you was broke off the
+parapet,&mdash;as by its size,&mdash;(tho’ it was pretty large) which
+inclined the surgeon all along to think, that the great injury which it
+had done my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> groin, was more owing to the gravity of
+the stone itself, than to the projectile force of it,&mdash;which he
+would often tell him was a great happiness.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page58" id = "page58">58</a></span>
+<p>My father at that time was just beginning business in <i>London</i>,
+and had taken a house;&mdash;and as the truest friendship and cordiality
+subsisted between the two brothers,&mdash;and that my father thought my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> could no where be so well nursed and taken care of as
+in his own house,&mdash;&mdash;he assign’d him the very best apartment
+in it.&mdash;And what was a much more sincere mark of his affection
+still, he would never suffer a friend or an acquaintance to step into
+the house on any occasion, but he would take him by the hand, and lead
+him up stairs to see his brother <i>Toby</i>, and chat an hour by his
+bedside.</p>
+
+<p>The history of a soldier’s wound beguiles the pain of it;&mdash;my
+uncle’s visitors at least thought so, and in their daily calls upon him,
+from the courtesy arising out of that belief, they would frequently turn
+the discourse to that subject,&mdash;and from that subject the discourse
+would generally roll on to the siege itself.</p>
+
+<p>These conversations were infinitely kind; and my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+received great relief from them, and would have received much more, but
+that they brought him into some unforeseen perplexities, which, for
+three months together, retarded his cure greatly; and if he had not hit
+upon an expedient to extricate himself out of them, I&nbsp;verily
+believe they would have laid him in his grave.</p>
+
+<p>What these perplexities of my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+were,&mdash;&mdash;’tis impossible for you to guess;&mdash;if you
+could,&mdash;I&nbsp;should blush; not as a relation,&mdash;not as a
+man,&mdash;nor even as a woman,&mdash;but I should blush as an author;
+inasmuch as I set no small store by myself upon this very account, that
+my reader has never yet been able to guess at anything. And in this,
+Sir, I&nbsp;am of so nice and singular a humour, that if I thought you
+was able to form the least judgment or probable conjecture to yourself,
+of what was to come in the next page,&mdash;I&nbsp;would tear it out of
+my book.</p>
+
+<div class = "footnote">
+<p><a name = "note_1_1" id = "note_1_1" href = "#tag_1_1">1.</a>
+The <i>Romish</i> Rituals direct the baptizing of the child, in cases of
+danger, <i>before</i> it is born;&mdash;but upon this proviso, That some
+part or other of the child’s body be seen by the
+baptizer:&mdash;&mdash;But the Doctors of the <i>Sorbonne</i>, by a
+deliberation held amongst them, <i>April</i> 10, 1733,&mdash;have
+enlarged the powers of the midwives, by determining, That though no part
+of the child’s body should appear,&mdash;&mdash;that baptism shall,
+nevertheless, be administered to it by injection,&mdash;<i>par le moyen
+d’une petite canulle</i>,&mdash;Anglicè <i>a
+squirt</i>.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis very strange that St. <i>Thomas
+Aquinas</i>, who had so good a mechanical head, both for tying and
+untying the knots of school-divinity,&mdash;should, after so much pains
+bestowed upon this,&mdash;give up the point at last, as a second <i>La
+chose impossible</i>,&mdash;“Infantes in maternis uteris existentes
+(quoth <ins class = "correction" title = ". missing">St.</ins>
+<i>Thomas!</i>) baptizari possunt <i>nullo modo</i>.”&mdash;O <i>Thomas!
+Thomas!</i></p>
+
+<p>If the reader has the curiosity to see the question upon baptism
+<i>by injection</i>, as presented to the Doctors of the <i>Sorbonne</i>,
+with their consultation thereupon, it is as follows.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_1_2" id = "note_1_2" href = "#tag_1_2">2.</a>
+Vide Deventer, Paris edit., 4to, 1734, p. 366.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_1_3" id = "note_1_3" href = "#tag_1_3">3.</a>
+<ins class = "correction"
+title = "text unchanged: expected form is ‘pantagraph’">Pentagraph</ins>, an instrument to copy Prints and
+Pictures mechanically, and in any proportion.</p>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page59" id = "page59">59</a></span>
+
+<h3><a name = "bookII" id = "bookII">BOOK II</a></h3>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapI" id = "bookII_chapI">
+CHAPTER I</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I have</span> begun a new book, on purpose
+that I might have room enough to explain the nature of the perplexities
+in which my uncle <i>Toby</i> was involved, from the many discourses and
+interrogations about the siege of <i>Namur</i>, where he received his
+wound.</p>
+
+<p>I must remind the reader, in case he has read the history of King
+<i>William’s</i> wars,&mdash;but if he has not,&mdash;I&nbsp;then inform
+him, that one of the most memorable attacks in that siege, was that
+which was made by the <i>English</i> and <i>Dutch</i> upon the point of
+the advanced counterscarp, between the gate of <i>St. Nicolas</i>, which
+inclosed the great sluice or water-stop, where the <i>English</i> were
+terribly exposed to the shot of the counter-guard and demi-bastion of
+<i>St. Roch</i>. The issue of which hot dispute, in three words, was
+this; That the <i>Dutch</i> lodged themselves upon the
+counter-guard,&mdash;and that the <i>English</i> made themselves masters
+of the covered-way before <i>St. Nicolas</i>-gate, notwithstanding the
+gallantry of the <i>French</i> officers, who exposed themselves upon the
+glacis sword in hand.</p>
+
+<p>As this was the principal attack of which my uncle <i>Toby</i> was an
+eye-witness at <i>Namur</i>,&mdash;&mdash;the army of the besiegers
+being cut off, by the confluence of the <i>Maes</i> and <i>Sambre</i>,
+from seeing much of each other’s operations,&mdash;&mdash;my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> was generally more eloquent and particular in his account of
+it; and the many perplexities he was in, arose out of the almost
+insurmountable difficulties he found in telling his story intelligibly,
+and giving such clear ideas of the differences and distinctions between
+the scarp and <ins class = "correction"
+title = "anomalous hyphen may be intentional">counter-scarp</ins>,&mdash;the glacis and
+covered-way,&mdash;the half-moon and ravelin,&mdash;as to make his
+company fully comprehend where and what he was about.</p>
+
+<p>Writers themselves are too apt to confound these terms; so that you
+will the less wonder, if in his endeavours to explain them, and in
+opposition to many misconceptions, that my uncle <i>Toby</i> did
+oft-times puzzle his visitors, and sometimes himself too.</p>
+
+<p>To speak the truth, unless the company my father led upstairs were
+tolerably clear-headed, or my uncle <i>Toby</i> was in one
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page60" id = "page60">60</a></span>
+of his explanatory moods, ’twas a difficult thing, do what he could, to
+keep the discourse free from obscurity.</p>
+
+<p>What rendered the account of this affair the more intricate to my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, was this,&mdash;that in the attack of the
+counterscarp, before the gate of <i>St. Nicolas</i>, extending itself
+from the bank of the <i>Maes</i>, quite up to the great
+water-stop,&mdash;the ground was cut and cross cut with such a multitude
+of dykes, drains, rivulets, and sluices, on all sides,&mdash;and he
+would get so sadly bewildered, and set fast amongst them, that
+frequently he could neither get backwards or forwards to save his life;
+and was oft-times obliged to give up the attack upon that very account
+only.</p>
+
+<p>These perplexing rebuffs gave my uncle <i>Toby Shandy</i> more
+perturbations than you would imagine: and as my father’s kindness to him
+was continually dragging up fresh friends and fresh
+enquirers,&mdash;&mdash;he had but a very uneasy task of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>No doubt my uncle <i>Toby</i> had great command of himself, could
+guard appearances, I&nbsp;believe, as well as most men;&mdash;yet any
+one may imagine, that when he could not retreat out of the ravelin
+without getting into the half-moon, or get out of the covered-way
+without falling down the counterscarp, nor cross the dyke without danger
+of slipping into the ditch, but that he must have fretted and fumed
+inwardly:&mdash;He did so; and the little and hourly vexations, which
+may seem trifling and of no account to the man who has not read
+<i>Hippocrates</i>, yet, whoever has read <i>Hippocrates</i>, or Dr.
+<i>James Mackenzie</i>, and has considered well the effects which the
+passions and affections of the mind have upon the digestion&mdash;(Why
+not of a wound as well as of a dinner?)&mdash;may easily conceive what
+sharp paroxysms and exacerbations of his wound my uncle <i>Toby</i> must
+have undergone upon that score only.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i> could not philosophize upon
+it;&mdash;’twas enough he felt it was so,&mdash;and having sustained the
+pain and sorrows of it for three months together, he was resolved some
+way or other to extricate himself.</p>
+
+<p>He was one morning lying upon his back in his bed, the anguish and
+nature of the wound upon his groin suffering him to lie in no other
+position, when a thought came into his head, that if he could purchase
+such a thing, and have it pasted down upon a board, as a large map of
+the fortification of the town and citadel of <i>Namur</i>, with its
+environs, it might be a means of giving him ease.&mdash;I&nbsp;take
+notice of his desire to have the environs along with the town and
+citadel, for this reason,&mdash;because my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> wound was
+got in one of the traverses, about thirty toises from
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page61" id = "page61">61</a></span>
+the returning angle of the trench, opposite to the salient angle of the
+demi-bastion of <i>St. Roch</i>:&mdash;&mdash;so that he was pretty
+confident he could stick a pin upon the identical spot of ground where
+he was standing on when the stone struck him.</p>
+
+<p>All this succeeded to his wishes, and not only freed him from a world
+of sad explanations, but, in the end, it proved the happy means, as you
+will read, of procuring my uncle <i>Toby</i> his <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapII" id = "bookII_chapII">
+CHAPTER II</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">There</span> is nothing so foolish, when
+you are at the expence of making an entertainment of this kind, as to
+order things so badly, as to let your criticks and gentry of refined
+taste run it down: Nor is there anything so likely to make them do it,
+as that of leaving them out of the party, or, what is full as offensive,
+of bestowing your attention upon the rest of your guests in so
+particular a way, as if there was no such thing as a critick
+(by&nbsp;occupation) at table.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I guard against both; for, in the first place, I have
+left half a dozen places purposely open for them;&mdash;and in the next
+place, I&nbsp;pay them all court.&mdash;Gentlemen, I&nbsp;kiss your
+hands, I&nbsp;protest no company could give me half the
+pleasure,&mdash;by my soul I am glad to see
+you&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;beg only you will make no strangers of
+yourselves, but sit down without any ceremony, and fall on heartily.</p>
+
+<p>I said I had left six places, and I was upon the point of carrying my
+complaisance so far, as to have left a seventh open for them,&mdash;and
+in this very spot I stand on; but being told by a Critick (tho’ not by
+occupation,&mdash;but by nature) that I had acquitted myself well
+enough, I&nbsp;shall fill it up directly, hoping, in the meantime, that
+I shall be able to make a great deal of more room next year.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;How, in the name of wonder! could your uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, who, it seems, was a military man, and whom you have
+represented as no fool,&mdash;&mdash;be at the same time such a
+confused, pudding-headed, muddle-headed, fellow, as&mdash;Go look.</p>
+
+<p>So, Sir Critick, I could have replied; but I scorn it.&mdash;’Tis
+language unurbane,&mdash;and only befitting the man who cannot give
+clear and satisfactory accounts of things, or dive deep enough into the
+first causes of human ignorance and confusion. It is moreover the reply
+valiant&mdash;and therefore I reject it: for tho’ it might have suited
+my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> character as a soldier excellently
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page62" id = "page62">62</a></span>
+well, and had he not accustomed himself, in such attacks, to whistle the
+<i>Lillabullero</i>, as he wanted no courage, ’tis the very answer he
+would have given; yet it would by no means have done for me. You see as
+plain as can be, that I write as a man of erudition;&mdash;that even my
+similies, my allusions, my illustrations, my metaphors, are
+erudite,&mdash;and that I must sustain my character properly, and
+contrast it properly too,&mdash;else what would become of me? Why, Sir,
+I&nbsp;should be undone;&mdash;at this very moment that I am going here
+to fill up one place against a critick,&mdash;I&nbsp;should have made an
+opening for a couple.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Therefore I answer thus:</p>
+
+<p>Pray, Sir, in all the reading which you have ever read, did you ever
+read such a book as <i>Locke’s</i> Essay upon the Human
+Understanding?&mdash;&mdash;Don’t answer me rashly&mdash;because many,
+I&nbsp;know, quote the book, who have not read it&mdash;and many have
+read it who understand it not:&mdash;If either of these is your case, as
+I write to instruct, I&nbsp;will tell you in three words what the book
+is.&mdash;It is a history.&mdash;A&nbsp;history! of who? what? where?
+when? Don’t hurry yourself&mdash;&mdash;It is a history-book, Sir (which
+may possibly recommend it to the world) of what passes in a man’s own
+mind; and if you will say so much of the book, and no more, believe me,
+you will cut no contemptible figure in a metaphysick circle.</p>
+
+<p>But this by the way.</p>
+
+<p>Now if you will venture to go along with me, and look down into the
+bottom of this matter, it will be found that the cause of obscurity and
+confusion, in the mind of a man, is threefold.</p>
+
+<p>Dull organs, dear Sir, in the first place. Secondly, slight and
+transient impressions made by the objects, when the said organs are not
+dull. And thirdly, a&nbsp;memory like unto a sieve, not able to retain
+what it has received.&mdash;Call down <i>Dolly</i> your chambermaid, and
+I will give you my cap and bell along with it, if I make not this matter
+so plain that <i>Dolly</i> herself should understand it as well as
+<i>Malbranch</i>.&mdash;&mdash;When <i>Dolly</i> has indited her epistle
+to <i>Robin</i>, and has thrust her arm into the bottom of her pocket
+hanging by her right side;&mdash;take that opportunity to recollect that
+the organs and faculties of perception can, by nothing in this world, be
+so aptly typified and explained as by that one thing which
+<i>Dolly’s</i> hand is in search of.&mdash;Your organs are not so dull
+that I should inform you&mdash;’tis an inch, Sir, of red seal-wax.</p>
+
+<p>When this is melted, and dropped upon the letter, if <i>Dolly</i>
+fumbles too long for her thimble, till the wax is over hardened, it will
+not receive the mark of her thimble from the usual impulse
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page63" id = "page63">63</a></span>
+which was wont to imprint it. Very well. If <i>Dolly’s</i> wax, for want
+of better, is bees-wax, or of a temper too soft,&mdash;tho’ it may
+receive,&mdash;it will not hold the impression, how hard soever
+<i>Dolly</i> thrusts against it; and last of all, supposing the wax
+good, and eke the thimble, but applied thereto in careless haste, as her
+Mistress rings the bell;&mdash;&mdash;in any one of these three cases
+the print left by the thimble will be as unlike the prototype as a
+brass-jack.</p>
+
+<p>Now you must understand that not one of these was the true cause of
+the confusion in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> discourse; and it is for that
+very reason I enlarge upon them so long, after the manner of great
+physiologists&mdash;to shew the world, what it did <i>not</i> arise
+from.</p>
+
+<p>What it did arise from, I have hinted above, and a fertile source of
+obscurity it is,&mdash;and ever will be,&mdash;and that is the unsteady
+uses of words, which have perplexed the clearest and most exalted
+understandings.</p>
+
+<p>It is ten to one (at <i>Arthur’s</i>) whether you have ever read the
+literary histories of past ages;&mdash;if you have, what terrible
+battles, <ins class = "correction"
+title = "apostrophe in original">’yclept</ins> logomachies, have they occasioned and
+perpetuated with so much gall and ink-shed,&mdash;that a good-natured
+man cannot read the accounts of them without tears in his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>Gentle critick! when thou hast weighed all this, and considered
+within thyself how much of thy own knowledge, discourse, and
+conversation has been pestered and disordered at one time or other, by
+this, and this only:&mdash;What a pudder and racket in <span class =
+"smallcaps">Councils</span> about <ins class = "correction greek" title
+= "ousia [printed οὝσὡι]">οὐσὡι</ins> and <span class = "greek" title =
+"hupostasis">ὑπόστασις</span>; and in the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Schools</span> of the learned about power and about
+spirit;&mdash;about essences, and about
+quintessences;&mdash;&mdash;about substances, and about
+space.&mdash;&mdash;What confusion in greater <span class =
+"smallcaps">Theatres</span> from words of little meaning, and as
+indeterminate a sense! when thou considerest this, thou wilt not wonder
+at my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> perplexities,&mdash;thou wilt drop a tear of
+pity upon his scarp and his counterscarp;&mdash;his glacis and his
+covered way;&mdash;his ravelin and his half-moon: ’Twas not by
+ideas,&mdash;by Heaven; his life was put in jeopardy by words.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapIII" id = "bookII_chapIII">
+CHAPTER III</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> my uncle <i>Toby</i> got his
+map of <i>Namur</i> to his mind, he began immediately to apply himself,
+and with the utmost diligence, to the study of it; for nothing being of
+more
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page64" id = "page64">64</a></span>
+importance to him than his recovery, and his recovery depending, as you
+have read, upon the passions and affections of his mind, it behoved him
+to take the nicest care to make himself so far master of his subject, as
+to be able to talk upon it without emotion.</p>
+
+<p>In a fortnight’s close and painful application, which, by the bye,
+did my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> wound, upon his groin, no good,&mdash;he was
+enabled, by the help of some marginal documents at the feet of the
+elephant, together with <i>Gobesius’s</i> military architecture and
+pyroballogy, translated from the <i>Flemish</i>, to form his discourse
+with passable perspicuity; and before he was two full months
+gone,&mdash;he was right eloquent upon it, and could make not only the
+attack of the advanced counterscarp with great order;&mdash;&mdash;but
+having, by that time, gone much deeper into the art, than what his first
+motive made necessary, my uncle <i>Toby</i> was able to cross the
+<i>Maes</i> and <i>Sambre</i>; make diversions as far as <i>Vauban’s</i>
+line, the abbey of <i>Salsines</i>, etc., and give his visitors as
+distinct a history of each of their attacks, as of that of the gate of
+<i>St. Nicolas</i>, where he had the honour to receive his wound.</p>
+
+<p>But desire of knowledge, like the thirst of riches, increases ever
+with the acquisition of it. The more my uncle <i>Toby</i> pored over his
+map, the more he took a liking to it!&mdash;by the same process and
+electrical assimilation, as I told you, through which I ween the souls
+of connoisseurs themselves, by long friction and incumbition, have the
+happiness, at length, to get all
+be-virtu’d&mdash;be-pictured,&mdash;be-butterflied, and befiddled.</p>
+
+<p>The more my uncle <i>Toby</i> drank of this sweet fountain of
+science, the greater was the heat and impatience of his thirst, so that
+before the first year of his confinement had well gone round, there was
+scarce a fortified town in <i>Italy</i> or <i>Flanders</i>, of which, by
+one means or other, he had not procured a plan, reading over as he got
+them, and carefully collating therewith the histories of their sieges,
+their demolitions, their improvements, and new works, all which he would
+read with that intense application and delight, that he would forget
+himself, his wound, his confinement, his dinner.</p>
+
+<p>In the second year my uncle <i>Toby</i> purchased <i>Ramelli</i> and
+<i>Cataneo</i>, translated from the <i>Italian</i>;&mdash;likewise
+<i>Stevinus</i>, <i>Moralis</i>, the Chevalier <i>de Ville</i>,
+<i>Lorini</i>, <i>Cochorn</i>, <i>Sheeter</i>, the Count <i>de
+Pagan</i>, the Marshal <i>Vauban</i>, Mons. <i>Blondel</i>, with almost
+as many more books of military architecture, as Don <i>Quixote</i> was
+found to have of chivalry, when the curate and barber invaded his
+library.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page65" id = "page65">65</a></span>
+<p>Towards the beginning of the third year, which was in <i>August</i>,
+ninety-nine, my uncle <i>Toby</i> found it necessary to understand a
+little of projectiles:&mdash;and having judged it best to draw his
+knowledge from the fountain-head, he began with <i>N. Tartaglia</i>, who
+it seems was the first man who detected the imposition of a
+cannon-ball’s doing all that mischief under the notion of a right
+line&mdash;This <i>N.&nbsp;Tartaglia</i> proved to my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+to be an impossible thing.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Endless is the search of Truth.</p>
+
+<p>No sooner was my uncle <i>Toby</i> satisfied which road the
+cannon-ball did not go, but he was insensibly led on, and resolved in
+his mind to enquire and find out which road the ball did go: For which
+purpose he was obliged to set off afresh with old <i>Maltus</i>, and
+studied him devoutly.&mdash;He proceeded next to <i>Galileo</i> and
+<i>Torricellius</i>, wherein, by certain Geometrical rules, infallibly
+laid down, he found the precise part to be a <span class =
+"smallcaps">Parabola</span>&mdash;or else an <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hyperbola</span>,&mdash;and that the parameter, or <i>latus
+rectum</i>, of the conic section of the said path, was to the quantity
+and amplitude in a direct <i>ratio</i>, as the whole line to the sine of
+double the angle of incidence, formed by the breech upon an horizontal
+plane;&mdash;and that the semiparameter,&mdash;&mdash;stop! my dear
+uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;stop!&mdash;go not one foot farther into
+this thorny and bewildered track,&mdash;intricate are the steps!
+intricate are the mazes of this labyrinth! intricate are the troubles
+which the pursuit of this bewitching phantom <span class =
+"smallcaps">Knowledge</span> will bring upon thee.&mdash;O my
+uncle;&mdash;fly&mdash;fly, fly from it as from a
+serpent.&mdash;&mdash;Is it fit&mdash;&mdash;good-natured man! thou
+should’st sit up, with the wound upon thy groin, whole nights baking thy
+blood with hectic watchings?&mdash;&mdash;Alas! ’twill exasperate thy
+symptoms,&mdash;check thy perspirations&mdash;evaporate thy
+spirits&mdash;waste thy animal strength,&mdash;dry up thy radical
+moisture, bring thee into a costive habit of body,&mdash;&mdash;impair
+thy health,&mdash;&mdash;and hasten all the infirmities of thy old
+age.&mdash;&mdash;O my uncle! my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapIV" id = "bookII_chapIV">
+CHAPTER IV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I would</span> not give a groat for that
+man’s knowledge in pencraft, who does not understand
+this,&mdash;&mdash;That the best plain narrative in the world, tacked
+very close to the last spirited apostrophe to my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;would have felt both cold and vapid upon the
+reader’s palate;&mdash;therefore I forthwith put an end to the chapter,
+though I was in the middle of my story.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page66" id = "page66">66</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Writers of my stamp have one principle in common
+with painters. Where an exact copying makes our pictures less striking,
+we choose the less evil; deeming it even more pardonable to trespass
+against truth, than beauty. This is to be understood <i>cum grano
+salis</i>; but be it as it will,&mdash;as the parallel is made more for
+the sake of letting the apostrophe cool, than any thing else,&mdash;’tis
+not very material whether upon any other score the reader approves of it
+or not.</p>
+
+<p>In the latter end of the third year, my uncle <i>Toby</i> perceiving
+that the parameter and semiparameter of the conic section angered his
+wound, he left off the study of projectiles in a kind of a huff, and
+betook himself to the practical part of fortification only; the pleasure
+of which, like a spring held back, returned upon him with redoubled
+force.</p>
+
+<p>It was in this year that my uncle began to break in upon the daily
+regularity of a clean shirt,&mdash;&mdash;to dismiss his barber
+unshaven,&mdash;&mdash;and to allow his surgeon scarce time sufficient
+to dress his wound, concerning himself so little about it, as not to ask
+him once in seven times dressing, how it went on: when, lo!&mdash;all of
+a sudden, for the change was quick as lightning, he began to sigh
+heavily for his recovery,&mdash;&mdash;complained to my father, grew
+impatient with the surgeon:&mdash;&mdash;and one morning, as he heard
+his foot coming up stairs, he shut up his books, and thrust aside his
+instruments, in order to expostulate with him upon the protraction of
+the cure, which, he told him, might surely have been accomplished at
+least by that time:&mdash;He dwelt long upon the miseries he had
+undergone, and the sorrows of his four years melancholy
+imprisonment;&mdash;adding, that had it not been for the kind looks and
+fraternal chearings of the best of brothers,&mdash;he had long since
+sunk under his misfortunes.&mdash;&mdash;My father was by: My uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> eloquence brought tears into his eyes;&mdash;&mdash;’twas
+unexpected:&mdash;&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i>, by nature was not
+eloquent;&mdash;it had the greater effect:&mdash;&mdash;The surgeon was
+confounded;&mdash;&mdash;not that there wanted grounds for such, or
+greater marks of impatience,&mdash;but ’twas unexpected too; in the four
+years he had attended him, he had never seen anything like it in my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> carriage; he had never once dropped one fretful or
+discontented word;&mdash;&mdash;he had been all patience,&mdash;all
+submission.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;We lose the right of complaining sometimes by forbearing
+it;&mdash;but we often treble the force:&mdash;The surgeon was
+astonished; but much more so, when he heard my uncle <i>Toby</i> go on,
+and peremptorily insist upon his healing up the wound directly,&mdash;or
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page67" id = "page67">67</a></span>
+sending for Monsieur <i>Ronjat</i>, the king’s serjeant-surgeon, to do
+it for him.</p>
+
+<p>The desire of life and health is implanted in man’s
+nature;&mdash;&mdash;the love of liberty and enlargement is a
+sister-passion to it: These my uncle <i>Toby</i> had in common with his
+species;&mdash;&mdash;and either of them had been sufficient to account
+for his earnest desire to get well and out of doors;&mdash;&mdash;but I
+have told you before, that nothing wrought with our family after the
+common way;&mdash;&mdash;and from the time and manner in which this
+eager desire shewed itself in the present case, the penetrating reader
+will suspect there was some other cause or crotchet for it in my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> head:&mdash;&mdash;There was so, and ’tis the subject of
+the next chapter to set forth what that cause and crotchet was.
+I&nbsp;own, when that’s done, ’twill be time to return back to the
+parlour fire-side, where we left my uncle <i>Toby</i> in the middle of
+his sentence.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapV" id = "bookII_chapV">
+CHAPTER V</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> a man gives himself up to the
+government of a ruling passion,&mdash;or, in other words, when his <span
+class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span> grows
+headstrong,&mdash;&mdash;farewel cool reason and fair discretion!</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby’s</i> wound was near well, and as soon as the
+surgeon recovered his surprize, and could get leave to say as
+much&mdash;&mdash;he told him, ’twas just beginning to incarnate; and
+that if no fresh exfoliation happened, which there was no sign
+of,&mdash;it would be dried up in five or six weeks. The sound of as
+many Olympiads, twelve hours before, would have conveyed an idea of
+shorter duration to my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> mind.&mdash;&mdash;The
+succession of his ideas was now rapid,&mdash;he broiled with impatience
+to put his design in execution;&mdash;&mdash;and so, without consulting
+farther with any soul living,&mdash;which, by the bye, I&nbsp;think is
+right, when you are predetermined to take no one soul’s
+advice,&mdash;&mdash;he privately ordered <i>Trim</i>, his man, to pack
+up a bundle of lint and dressings, and hire a chariot-and-four to be at
+the door exactly by twelve o’clock that day, when he knew my father
+would be upon ’Change.&mdash;&mdash;So leaving a banknote upon the table
+for the surgeon’s care of him, and a letter of tender thanks for his
+brother’s&mdash;he packed up his maps, his books of fortification, his
+instruments, &amp;c., and by the help of a crutch on one side, and
+<i>Trim</i> on the other,&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> embarked for
+<i>Shandy-Hall</i>.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page68" id = "page68">68</a></span>
+<p>The reason, or rather the rise of this sudden demigration was as
+follows:</p>
+
+<p>The table in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> room, and at which, the night
+before this change happened, he was sitting with his maps, &amp;c.,
+about him&mdash;being somewhat of the smallest, for that infinity of
+great and small instruments of knowledge which usually lay crowded upon
+it&mdash;he had the accident, in reaching over for his tobacco-box, to
+throw down his compasses, and in stooping to take the compasses up, with
+his sleeve he threw down his case of instruments and snuffers;&mdash;and
+as the dice took a run against him, in his endeavouring to catch the
+snuffers in falling,&mdash;&mdash;he thrust Monsieur <i>Blondel</i> off
+the table, and Count <i>de Pagan</i> o’top of him.</p>
+
+<p>’Twas to no purpose for a man, lame as my uncle <i>Toby</i> was, to
+think of redressing these evils by himself,&mdash;he rung his bell for
+his man <i>Trim</i>;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, prithee see what confusion I have here been
+making&mdash;I&nbsp;must have some better contrivance,
+<i>Trim</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Can’st not thou take my rule, and measure the
+length and breadth of this table, and then go and bespeak me one as big
+again?&mdash;&mdash;Yes, an’ please your Honour, replied <i>Trim</i>,
+making a bow; but I hope your Honour will be soon well enough to get
+down to your country-seat, where,&mdash;as your Honour takes so much
+pleasure in fortification, we could manage this matter to a&nbsp;T.</p>
+
+<p>I must here inform you, that this servant of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>,
+who went by the name of <i>Trim</i>, had been a corporal in my uncle’s
+own company,&mdash;his real name was <i>James Butler</i>,&mdash;but
+having got the nick-name of <i>Trim</i> in the regiment, my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, unless when he happened to be very angry with him, would
+never call him by any other name.</p>
+
+<p>The poor fellow had been disabled for the service, by a wound on his
+left knee by a musket-bullet, at the battle of <i>Landen</i>, which was
+two years before the affair of <i>Namur</i>;&mdash;and as the fellow was
+well-beloved in the regiment, and a handy fellow into the bargain, my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> took him for his servant; and of an excellent use was
+he, attending my uncle <i>Toby</i> in the camp and in his quarters as a
+valet, groom, barber, cook, sempster, and nurse; and indeed, from first
+to last, waited upon him and served him with great fidelity and
+affection.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> loved the man in return, and what attached him
+more to him still, was the similitude of their
+knowledge.&mdash;&mdash;For Corporal <i>Trim</i> (for so, for the
+future, I&nbsp;shall call him), by four years occasional attention to
+his Master’s discourse upon
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page69" id = "page69">69</a></span>
+fortified towns, and the advantage of prying and peeping continually
+into his Master’s plans, &amp;c., exclusive and besides what he gained
+<span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horsically</span>, as a body-servant,
+<i>Non Hobby Horsical per se</i>;&mdash;&mdash;had become no mean
+proficient in the science; and was thought, by the cook and
+chamber-maid, to know as much of the nature of strongholds as my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> himself.</p>
+
+<p>I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal <i>Trim’s</i>
+character,&mdash;&mdash;and it is the only dark line in it.&mdash;The
+fellow loved to advise,&mdash;or rather to hear himself talk; his
+carriage, however, was so perfectly respectful, ’twas easy to keep him
+silent when you had him so; but set his tongue a-going,&mdash;you had no
+hold of him&mdash;he was voluble;&mdash;the eternal interlardings of
+<i>your Honour</i>, with the respectfulness of Corporal <i>Trim’s</i>
+manner, interceding so strong in behalf of his elocution,&mdash;that
+though you might have been incommoded,&mdash;&mdash;you could not well
+be angry. My uncle <i>Toby</i> was seldom either the one or the other
+with him,&mdash;or, at least, this fault, in <i>Trim</i>, broke no
+squares with them. My uncle <i>Toby</i>, as I said, loved the
+man;&mdash;&mdash;and besides, as he ever looked upon a faithful
+servant,&mdash;but as an humble friend,&mdash;he could not bear to stop
+his mouth.&mdash;&mdash;Such was Corporal <i>Trim</i>.</p>
+
+<p>If I durst presume, continued <i>Trim</i>, to give your Honour my
+advice, and speak my opinion in this matter.&mdash;Thou art welcome,
+<i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;speak,&mdash;&mdash;speak
+what thou thinkest upon the subject, man, without fear. Why then,
+replied <i>Trim</i> (not hanging his ears and scratching his head like a
+country-lout, but) stroking his hair back from his forehead, and
+standing erect as before his division,&mdash;I&nbsp;think, quoth
+<i>Trim</i>, advancing his left, which was his lame leg, a&nbsp;little
+forwards,&mdash;and pointing with his right hand open towards a map of
+<i>Dunkirk</i>, which was pinned against the
+hangings,&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;think, quoth Corporal <i>Trim</i>, with
+humble submission to your Honour’s better judgment,&mdash;&mdash;that
+these ravelins, bastions, curtins, and horn-works, make but a poor,
+contemptible, fiddle-faddle piece of work of it here upon paper,
+compared to what your Honour and I could make of it were we in the
+country by ourselves, and had but a rood, or a rood and a half of ground
+to do what we pleased with: As summer is coming on, continued
+<i>Trim</i>, your Honour might sit out of doors, and give me the
+nography&mdash;(Call it ichnography, quoth my uncle)&mdash;&mdash;of the
+town or citadel, your Honour was pleased to sit down before,&mdash;and I
+will be shot by your Honour upon the glacis of it, if I did not fortify
+it to your Honour’s mind&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;dare say thou would’st,
+<i>Trim</i>,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page70" id = "page70">70</a></span>
+quoth my uncle.&mdash;For if your Honour, continued the Corporal, could
+but mark me the polygon, with its exact lines and angles&mdash;That I
+could do very well, quoth my uncle.&mdash;I&nbsp;would begin with the
+fossĂŠ, and if your Honour could tell me the proper depth and
+breadth&mdash;I&nbsp;can to a hair’s breadth, <i>Trim</i>, replied my
+uncle.&mdash;I&nbsp;would throw out the earth upon this hand towards the
+town for the scarp,&mdash;and on that hand towards the campaign for the
+counterscarp.&mdash;Very right, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>:&mdash;&mdash;And when I had sloped them to your
+mind,&mdash;&mdash;an’ please your Honour, I&nbsp;would face the glacis,
+as the finest fortifications are done in <i>Flanders</i>, with
+sods,&mdash;&mdash;and as your Honour knows they should be,&mdash;and I
+would make the walls and parapets with sods too.&mdash;The best
+engineers call them gazons, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Whether they are gazons or sods, is not much
+matter, replied <i>Trim</i>; your Honour knows they are ten times beyond
+a facing either of brick or stone.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;know they are,
+<i>Trim</i>, in some respects,&mdash;&mdash;quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+nodding his head;&mdash;for a cannon-ball enters into the gazon right
+onwards, without bringing any rubbish down with it, which might fill the
+fossé (as&nbsp;was the case at <i>St. Nicolas’s</i> gate), and
+facilitate the passage over&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Your Honour understands these matters, replied Corporal <i>Trim</i>,
+better than any officer in his Majesty’s service;&mdash;&mdash;but would
+your Honour please to let the bespeaking of the table alone, and let us
+but go into the country, I&nbsp;would work under your Honour’s
+directions like a horse, and make fortifications for you something like
+a tansy, with all their batteries, saps, ditches, and palisadoes, that
+it should be worth all the world’s riding twenty miles to go and
+see&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> blushed as red as scarlet as <i>Trim</i> went
+on;&mdash;but it was not a blush of guilt,&mdash;of modesty,&mdash;or of
+anger,&mdash;it was a blush of joy;&mdash;he was fired with Corporal
+<i>Trim’s</i> project and description.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim!</i> said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, thou hast said enough.&mdash;We might begin the
+campaign, continued <i>Trim</i>, on the very day that his Majesty and
+the Allies take the field, and demolish them town by town as fast
+as&mdash;<i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, say no more. Your
+Honour, continued <i>Trim</i>, might sit in your arm-chair (pointing
+to&nbsp;it) this fine weather, giving me your orders, and I
+would&mdash;&mdash;Say no more, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;Besides, your Honour would get not only
+pleasure and good pastime,&mdash;but good air, and good exercise, and
+good health,&mdash;and your Honour’s wound would be well in a month.
+Thou hast said enough, <i>Trim</i>,&mdash;quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+(putting his
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page71" id = "page71">71</a></span>
+hand into his breeches-pocket)&mdash;&mdash;I like thy project
+mightily.&mdash;And if your Honour pleases, I’ll this moment go and buy
+a pioneer’s spade to take down with us, and I’ll bespeak a shovel and a
+pick-axe, and a couple of&mdash;&mdash;Say no more, <i>Trim</i>, quoth
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>, leaping up upon one leg, quite overcome with
+rapture,&mdash;and thrusting a guinea into <i>Trim’s</i>
+hand,&mdash;<i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, say no
+more;&mdash;but go down, <i>Trim</i>, this moment, my lad, and bring up
+my supper this instant.</p>
+
+<p><i>Trim</i> ran down and brought up his master’s
+supper,&mdash;&mdash;to no purpose:&mdash;<i>Trim’s</i> plan of
+operation ran so in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> head, he could not taste
+it.&mdash;<i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, get me to
+bed.&mdash;’Twas all one.&mdash;Corporal <i>Trim’s</i> description had
+fired his imagination,&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> could not shut his
+eyes.&mdash;The more he considered it, the more bewitching the scene
+appeared to him;&mdash;so that, two full hours before day-light, he had
+come to a final determination, and had concerted the whole plan of his
+and Corporal <i>Trim’s</i> decampment.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> had a little neat country-house of his own, in
+the village where my father’s estate lay at <i>Shandy</i>, which had
+been left him by an old uncle, with a small estate of about one hundred
+pounds a-year. Behind this house, and contiguous to it, was a
+kitchen-garden of about half an acre; and at the bottom of the garden,
+and cut off from it by a tall yew hedge, was a bowling-green, containing
+just about as much ground as Corporal <i>Trim</i> wished for;&mdash;so
+that as <i>Trim</i> uttered the words, “A&nbsp;rood and a half of ground
+to do what they would with,”&mdash;this identical bowling-green
+instantly presented itself, and became curiously painted all at once,
+upon the retina of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> fancy;&mdash;which was the
+physical cause of making him change colour, or at least of heightening
+his blush, to that immoderate degree I spoke&nbsp;of.</p>
+
+<p>Never did lover post down to a beloved mistress with more heat and
+expectation, than my uncle <i>Toby</i> did, to enjoy this self-same
+thing in private;&mdash;I&nbsp;say in private;&mdash;for it was
+sheltered from the house, as I told you, by a tall yew hedge, and was
+covered on the other three sides, from mortal sight, by rough holly and
+thick-set flowering shrubs:&mdash;so that the idea of not being seen,
+did not a little contribute to the idea of pleasure pre-conceived in my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> mind.&mdash;Vain thought! however thick it was
+planted about,&mdash;&mdash;or private soever it might seem,&mdash;to
+think, dear uncle <i>Toby</i>, of enjoying a thing which took up a whole
+rood and a half of ground,&mdash;&mdash;and not have it known!</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page72" id = "page72">72</a></span>
+<p>How my uncle <i>Toby</i> and Corporal <i>Trim</i> managed this
+matter,&mdash;&mdash;with the history of their campaigns, which were no
+way barren of events,&mdash;&mdash;may make no uninteresting under-plot
+in the epitasis and working-up of this drama.&mdash;At present the scene
+must drop,&mdash;and change for the parlour fire-side.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapVI" id = "bookII_chapVI">
+CHAPTER VI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;What can they be doing, brother? said my
+father.&mdash;I think, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;taking, as I
+told you, his pipe from his mouth, and striking the ashes out of it as
+he began his sentence;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;think, replied he,&mdash;it
+would not be amiss, brother, if we rung the bell.</p>
+
+<p>Pray, what’s all that racket over our heads,
+<i>Obadiah?</i>&mdash;&mdash;quoth my father;&mdash;&mdash;my brother
+and I can scarce hear ourselves speak.</p>
+
+<p>Sir, answered <i>Obadiah</i>, making a bow towards his left
+shoulder,&mdash;my Mistress is taken very badly.&mdash;And where’s
+<i>Susannah</i> running down the garden there, as if they were going to
+ravish her?&mdash;&mdash;Sir, she is running the shortest cut into the
+town, replied <i>Obadiah</i>, to fetch the old midwife.&mdash;Then
+saddle a horse, quoth my father, and do you go directly for Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>, the man-midwife, with all our services,&mdash;&mdash;and
+let him know your mistress is fallen into labour&mdash;&mdash;and that I
+desire he will return with you with all speed.</p>
+
+<p>It is very strange, says my father, addressing himself to my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, as <i>Obadiah</i> shut the door,&mdash;&mdash;as there is
+so expert an operator as Dr. <i>Slop</i> so near,&mdash;that my wife
+should persist to the very last in this obstinate humour of hers, in
+trusting the life of my child, who has had one misfortune already, to
+the ignorance of an old woman;&mdash;&mdash;and not only the life of my
+child, brother,&mdash;&mdash;but her own life, and with it the lives of
+all the children I might, peradventure, have begot out of her
+hereafter.</p>
+
+<p>Mayhap, brother, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>, my sister does it to
+save the expense:&mdash;A&nbsp;pudding’s end,&mdash;replied my
+father,&mdash;&mdash;the Doctor must be paid the same for inaction as
+action,&mdash;&mdash;if not better,&mdash;to keep him in temper.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Then it can be out of nothing in the whole world, quoth
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>, in the simplicity of his heart,&mdash;but <span
+class = "smallcaps">Modesty</span>.&mdash;My sister, I&nbsp;dare say,
+added he, does not care to let a man come so near her ****. I&nbsp;will
+not say whether my uncle <i>Toby</i> had
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page73" id = "page73">73</a></span>
+completed the sentence or not;&mdash;&mdash;’tis for his advantage to
+suppose he had,&mdash;&mdash;as, I&nbsp;think, he could have added no
+<span class = "smallcaps">One Word</span> which would have
+improved&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>If, on the contrary, my uncle <i>Toby</i> had not fully arrived at
+the period’s end,&mdash;then the world stands indebted to the sudden
+snapping of my father’s tobacco-pipe for one of the neatest examples of
+that ornamental figure in oratory, which Rhetoricians stile the
+<i>Aposiopesis</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Just Heaven! how does the <i>Poco
+piu</i> and the <i>Poco meno</i> of the <i>Italian</i>
+artists;&mdash;the insensible <span class = "smallroman">MORE OR
+LESS</span>, determine the precise line of beauty in the sentence, as
+well as in the statute! How do the slight touches of the chisel, the
+pencil, the pen, the fiddle-stick, <i>et cĂŚtera</i>,&mdash;give the true
+swell, which gives the true pleasure!&mdash;O my countrymen;&mdash;be
+nice;&mdash;be cautious of your language;&mdash;and never, O! never let
+it be forgotten upon what small particles your eloquence and your fame
+depend.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;“My sister, mayhap,” quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, “does
+not choose to let a man come so near her ****.” Make this
+dash,&mdash;’tis an Aposiopesis.&mdash;Take the dash away, and write
+<i>Backside</i>,&mdash;&mdash;’tis Bawdy.&mdash;Scratch Backside out,
+and put <i>Cover’d way</i> in, ’tis a Metaphor;&mdash;and, I&nbsp;dare
+say, as fortification ran so much in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> head, that
+if he had been left to have added one word to the
+sentence,&mdash;&mdash;that word was&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>But whether that was the case or not the case;&mdash;or whether the
+snapping of my father’s tobacco-pipe, so critically, happened through
+accident or anger, will be seen in due time.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapVII" id = "bookII_chapVII">
+CHAPTER VII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Tho</span>’ my father was a good natural
+philosopher,&mdash;yet he was something of a moral philosopher too; for
+which reason, when his tobacco-pipe snapp’d short in the
+middle,&mdash;he had nothing to do, as such, but to have taken hold of
+the two pieces, and thrown them gently upon the back of the
+fire.&mdash;&mdash;He did no such thing;&mdash;&mdash;he threw them with
+all the violence in the world;&mdash;and, to give the action still more
+emphasis,&mdash;he started upon both his legs to do&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>This looked something like heat;&mdash;and the manner of his reply to
+what my uncle <i>Toby</i> was saying, proved it was&nbsp;so.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;“Not choose,” quoth my father, (repeating my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> words) “to let a man come so near her!”&mdash;&mdash;By
+Heaven, brother <i>Toby!</i> you would try the patience of
+<i>Job</i>;&mdash;and I think
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page74" id = "page74">74</a></span>
+I have the plagues of one already without
+it.&mdash;&mdash;Why?&mdash;&mdash;Where?&mdash;&mdash;Wherein?&mdash;&mdash;Wherefore?&mdash;&mdash;Upon
+what account? replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>, in the utmost
+astonishment.&mdash;To think, said my father, of a man living to your
+age, brother, and knowing so little about
+women!&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;know nothing at all about them,&mdash;replied
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>: And I think, continued he, that the shock I
+received the year after the demolition of <i>Dunkirk</i>, in my affair
+with widow <i>Wadman</i>;&mdash;which shock you know I should not have
+received, but from my total ignorance of the sex,&mdash;has given me
+just cause to say, That I neither know nor do pretend to know anything
+about ’em or their concerns either.&mdash;Methinks, brother, replied my
+father, you might, at least, know so much as the right end of a woman
+from the wrong.</p>
+
+<p>It is said in <i>Aristotle’s Master Piece</i>, “That when a man doth
+think of anything which is past,&mdash;&mdash;he looketh down upon the
+ground;&mdash;&mdash;but that when he thinketh of something that is to
+come, he looketh up towards the heavens.”</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i>, I suppose, thought of neither, for he look’d
+horizontally.&mdash;Right end! quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, muttering the
+two words low to himself, and fixing his two eyes insensibly as he
+muttered them, upon a small crevice, formed by a bad joint in the
+chimney-piece&mdash;&mdash;Right end of a
+woman!&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;declare, quoth my uncle, I&nbsp;know no more
+which it is than the man in the moon;&mdash;&mdash;and if I was to
+think, continued my uncle <i>Toby</i> (keeping his eye still fixed upon
+the bad joint) this month together, I&nbsp;am sure I should not be able
+to find it out.</p>
+
+<p>Then, brother <i>Toby</i>, replied my father, I will tell you.</p>
+
+<p>Everything in this world, continued my father (filling a fresh
+pipe)&mdash;every thing in this world, my dear brother <i>Toby</i>, has
+two handles.&mdash;&mdash;Not always, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;At least, replied my father, everyone has two
+hands,&mdash;&mdash;which comes to the same thing.&mdash;&mdash;Now, if
+a man was to sit down coolly, and consider within himself the make, the
+shape, the construction, come-at-ability, and convenience of all the
+parts which constitute the whole of that animal, called Woman, and
+compare them analogically&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never understood rightly
+the meaning of that word,&mdash;quoth my uncle <span class =
+"locked"><i>Toby</i>.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p><span class = "smallcaps">Analogy</span>, replied my father, is the
+certain relation and agreement which different&mdash;&mdash;Here a devil
+of a rap at the door snapped my father’s definition (like his
+tobacco-pipe) in two,&mdash;and, at the same time, crushed the head of
+as notable and curious a dissertation as ever was engendered in the womb
+of speculation;&mdash;it was some months before my father could get an
+opportunity
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page75" id = "page75">75</a></span>
+to be safely delivered of it:&mdash;And, at this hour, it is a thing
+full as problematical as the subject of the dissertation
+itself,&mdash;(considering the confusion and distresses of our domestick
+misadventures, which are now coming thick one upon the back of another)
+whether I shall be able to find a place for it in the third volume or
+not.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapVIII" id = "bookII_chapVIII">
+CHAPTER VIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>It is about an hour and a half’s tolerable good reading since my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> rung the bell, when <i>Obadiah</i> was ordered to
+saddle a horse, and go for Dr. <i>Slop</i>, the man-midwife;&mdash;so
+that no one can say, with reason, that I have not allowed <i>Obadiah</i>
+time enough, poetically speaking, and considering the emergency too,
+both to go and come;&mdash;&mdash;though, morally and truly speaking,
+the man perhaps has scarce had time to get on his boots.</p>
+
+<p>If the hypercritick will go upon this; and is resolved after all to
+take a pendulum, and measure the true distance betwixt the ringing of
+the bell, and the rap at the door;&mdash;and, after finding it to be no
+more than two minutes, thirteen seconds, and three fifths,&mdash;should
+take upon him to insult over me for such a breach in the unity, or
+rather probability of time;&mdash;I&nbsp;would remind him, that the idea
+of duration, and of its simple modes, is got merely from the train and
+succession of our ideas,&mdash;&mdash;and is the true scholastic
+pendulum,&mdash;&mdash;and by which, as a scholar, I&nbsp;will be tried
+in this matter,&mdash;abjuring and detesting the jurisdiction of all
+other pendulums whatever.</p>
+
+<p>I would therefore desire him to consider that it is but poor eight
+miles from <i>Shandy-Hall</i> to Dr. <i>Slop</i>, the man-midwife’s
+house;&mdash;and that whilst <i>Obadiah</i> has been going those said
+miles and back, I&nbsp;have brought my uncle <i>Toby</i> from
+<i>Namur</i>, quite across all <i>Flanders</i>, into
+<i>England</i>:&mdash;That I have had him ill upon my hands near four
+years;&mdash;and have since travelled him and Corporal <i>Trim</i> in a
+chariot-and-four, a&nbsp;journey of near two hundred miles down into
+<i>Yorkshire</i>,&mdash;&mdash;all which put together, must have
+prepared the reader’s imagination for the entrance of Dr. <i>Slop</i>
+upon the stage,&mdash;as much, at least (I&nbsp;hope) as a dance,
+a&nbsp;song, or a concerto between the acts.</p>
+
+<p>If my hypercritick is intractable, alledging, that two minutes and
+thirteen seconds are no more than two minutes and thirteen
+seconds,&mdash;when I have said all I can about them; and that this
+plea, though it might save me dramatically, will damn me biographically,
+rendering my book from this very moment, a&nbsp;<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page76" id = "page76">76</a></span>
+professed <span class = "smallcaps">Romance</span>, which, before, was a
+book apocryphal:&mdash;&mdash;If I am thus pressed&mdash;I&nbsp;then put
+an end to the whole objection and controversy about it all at
+once,&mdash;&mdash;by acquainting him, that <i>Obadiah</i> had not got
+above threescore yards from the stable-yard before he met with Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>;&mdash;and indeed he gave a dirty proof that he had met with
+him, and was within an ace of giving a tragical one too.</p>
+
+<p>Imagine to yourself;&mdash;but this had better begin a new
+chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapIX" id = "bookII_chapIX">
+CHAPTER IX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Imagine</span> to yourself a little squat,
+uncourtly figure of a Doctor <i>Slop</i>, of about four feet and a half
+perpendicular height, with a breadth of back, and a sesquipedality of
+belly, which might have done honour to a serjeant in the
+horse-guards.</p>
+
+<p>Such were the out-lines of Dr. <i>Slop’s</i> figure, which,&mdash;if
+you have read <i>Hogarth’s</i> analysis of beauty, and if you have not,
+I&nbsp;wish you would;&mdash;&mdash;you must know, may as certainly be
+caricatured, and conveyed to the mind by three strokes as three
+hundred.</p>
+
+<p>Imagine such a one,&mdash;&mdash;for such, I say, were the outlines
+of Dr. <i>Slop’s</i> figure, coming slowly along, foot by foot, waddling
+thro’ the dirt upon the vertebræ of a little diminutive pony, of a
+pretty colour&mdash;&mdash;but of
+strength,&mdash;&mdash;alack!&mdash;&mdash;scarce able to have made an
+amble of it, under such a fardel, had the roads been in an ambling
+condition.&mdash;&mdash;They were not.&mdash;&mdash;Imagine to yourself,
+<i>Obadiah</i> mounted upon a strong monster of a coach-horse, pricked
+into a full gallop, and making all practicable speed the adverse
+way.</p>
+
+<p>Pray, Sir, let me interest you a moment in this description.</p>
+
+<p>Had Dr. <i>Slop</i> beheld <i>Obadiah</i> a mile off, posting in a
+narrow lane directly towards him, at that monstrous
+rate,&mdash;splashing and plunging like a devil thro’ thick and thin, as
+he approached, would not such a phĂŚnomenon, with such a vortex of mud
+and water moving along with it, round its axis,&mdash;have been a
+subject of juster apprehension to Dr. <i>Slop</i> in his situation, than
+the <i>worst</i> of <i>Whiston’s</i> comets?&mdash;To say nothing of the
+<span class = "smallcaps">Nucleus</span>; that is, of <i>Obadiah</i> and
+the coach-horse.&mdash;In my idea, the vortex alone of ’em was enough to
+have involved and carried, if not the doctor, at least the doctor’s
+pony, quite away with it. What then do you think must the terror and
+hydrophobia of Dr. <i>Slop</i>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page77" id = "page77">77</a></span>
+have been, when you read (which you are just going to&nbsp;do) that he
+was advancing thus warily along towards <i>Shandy-Hall</i>, and had
+approached to within sixty yards of it, and within five yards of a
+sudden turn, made by an acute angle of the garden-wall,&mdash;and in the
+dirtiest part of a dirty lane,&mdash;when <i>Obadiah</i> and his
+coach-horse turned the corner, rapid, furious,&mdash;pop,&mdash;full
+upon him!&mdash;Nothing, I&nbsp;think, in nature, can be supposed more
+terrible than such a rencounter,&mdash;so imprompt! so ill prepared to
+stand the shock of it as Dr. <i>Slop</i> was.</p>
+
+<p>What could Dr. <i>Slop</i> do?&mdash;&mdash;he crossed himself +
+&mdash;Pugh!&mdash;but the doctor, Sir, was a Papist.&mdash;No matter;
+he had better have kept hold of the pummel&mdash;He had so;&mdash;nay,
+as it happened, he had better have done nothing at all; for in crossing
+himself he let go his whip,&mdash;&mdash;and in attempting to save his
+whip betwixt his knee and his saddle’s skirt, as it slipped, he lost his
+stirrup,&mdash;&mdash;in losing which he lost his seat;&mdash;&mdash;and
+in the multitude of all these losses (which, by the bye, shews what
+little advantage there is in crossing) the unfortunate doctor lost his
+presence of mind. So that without waiting for <i>Obadiah’s</i> onset, he
+left his pony to its destiny, tumbling off it diagonally, something in
+the stile and manner of a pack of wool, and without any other
+consequence from the fall, save that of being left (as&nbsp;it would
+have been) with the broadest part of him sunk about twelve inches deep
+in the mire.</p>
+
+<p><i>Obadiah</i> pull’d off his cap twice to Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>;&mdash;once as he was falling,&mdash;and then again when he
+saw him seated.&mdash;&mdash;Ill-timed complaisance;&mdash;had not the
+fellow better have stopped his horse, and got off and help’d
+him?&mdash;Sir, he did all that his situation would allow;&mdash;but the
+<span class = "smallcaps">Momentum</span> of the coach-horse was so
+great, that <i>Obadiah</i> could not do it all at once; he rode in a
+circle three times round Dr. <i>Slop</i>, before he could fully
+accomplish it any how;&mdash;and at the last, when he did stop his
+beast, ’twas done with such an explosion of mud, that <i>Obadiah</i> had
+better have been a league off. In short, never was a Dr. <i>Slop</i> so
+beluted, and so transubstantiated, since that affair came into
+fashion.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapX" id = "bookII_chapX">
+CHAPTER X</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> Dr. <i>Slop</i> entered the
+back parlour, where my father and my uncle <i>Toby</i> were discoursing
+upon the nature of women,&mdash;&mdash;it was hard to determine whether
+Dr. <i>Slop’s</i> figure, or Dr. <i>Slop’s</i>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page78" id = "page78">78</a></span>
+presence, occasioned more surprize to them; for as the accident happened
+so near the house, as not to make it worth while for <i>Obadiah</i> to
+remount him,&mdash;&mdash;Obadiah had led him in as he was,
+<i>unwiped</i>, <i>unappointed</i>, <i>unannealed</i>, with all his
+stains and blotches on him.&mdash;He stood like <i>Hamlet’s</i> ghost,
+motionless and speechless, for a full minute and a half at the
+parlour-door (<i>Obadiah</i> still holding his hand) with all the
+majesty of mud. His hinder parts, upon which he had received his fall,
+totally besmeared,&mdash;&mdash;and in every other part of him, blotched
+over in such a manner with <i>Obadiah’s</i> explosion, that you would
+have sworn (without mental reservation) that every grain of it had taken
+effect.</p>
+
+<p>Here was a fair opportunity for my uncle <i>Toby</i> to have
+triumphed over my father in his turn;&mdash;for no mortal, who had
+beheld Dr. <i>Slop</i> in that pickle, could have dissented from so much
+at least, of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> opinion, “That mayhap his sister
+might not care to let such a Dr. <i>Slop</i> come so near her ****.” But
+it was the <i>Argumentum ad hominem</i>; and if my uncle <i>Toby</i> was
+not very expert at it, you may think, he might not care to use
+it.&mdash;&mdash;No; the reason was,&mdash;’twas not his nature to
+insult.</p>
+
+<p>Dr. <i>Slop’s</i> presence at that time, was no less problematical
+than the mode of it; tho’ it is certain, one moment’s reflexion in my
+father might have solved it; for he had apprized Dr. <i>Slop</i> but the
+week before, that my mother was at her full reckoning; and as the doctor
+had heard nothing since, ’twas natural and very political too in him, to
+have taken a ride to <i>Shandy-Hall</i>, as he did, merely to see how
+matters went&nbsp;on.</p>
+
+<p>But my father’s mind took unfortunately a wrong turn in the
+investigation; running, like the hypercritick’s, altogether upon the
+ringing of the bell and the rap upon the door,&mdash;measuring their
+distance, and keeping his mind so intent upon the operation as to have
+power to think of nothing else,&mdash;&mdash;common-place infirmity of
+the greatest mathematicians! working with might and main at the
+demonstration, and so wasting all their strength upon it, that they have
+none left in them to draw the corollary, to do good with.</p>
+
+<p>The ringing of the bell, and the rap upon the door, struck likewise
+strong upon the sensorium of my uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;but it excited
+a very different train of thoughts;&mdash;the two irreconcileable
+pulsations instantly brought <i>Stevinus</i>, the great engineer, along
+with them, into my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> mind. What business
+<i>Stevinus</i> had in this affair,&mdash;is the greatest problem of
+all:&mdash;&mdash;It shall be solved,&mdash;but not in the next
+chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page79" id = "page79">79</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapXI" id = "bookII_chapXI">
+CHAPTER XI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Writing</span>, when properly managed (as
+you may be sure I think mine is) is but a different name for
+conversation. As no one, who knows what he is about in good company,
+would venture to talk all;&mdash;&mdash;so no author, who understands
+the just boundaries of decorum and good-breeding, would presume to think
+all: The truest respect which you can pay to the reader’s understanding,
+is to halve this matter amicably, and leave him something to imagine, in
+his turn, as well as yourself.</p>
+
+<p>For my own part, I am eternally paying him compliments of this kind,
+and do all that lies in my power to keep his imagination as busy as my
+own.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis his turn now;&mdash;I have given an ample description of Dr.
+<i>Slop’s</i> sad overthrow, and of his sad appearance in the
+back-parlour;&mdash;his imagination must now go on with it for a
+while.</p>
+
+<p>Let the reader imagine then, that Dr. <i>Slop</i> has told his
+tale&mdash;and in what words, and with what aggravations, his fancy
+chooses;&mdash;Let him suppose, that <i>Obadiah</i> has told his tale
+also, and with such rueful looks of affected concern, as he thinks best
+will contrast the two figures as they stand by each
+other.&mdash;&mdash;Let him imagine, that my father has stepped upstairs
+to see my mother.&mdash;And, to conclude this work of
+imagination&mdash;let him imagine the doctor washed,&mdash;rubbed down,
+and condoled,&mdash;felicitated,&mdash;got into a pair of
+<i>Obadiah’s</i> pumps, stepping forwards towards the door, upon the
+very point of entering upon action.</p>
+
+<p>Truce!&mdash;truce, good Dr. <i>Slop</i>:&mdash;stay thy obstetrick
+hand;&mdash;&mdash;return it safe into thy bosom to keep it
+warm;&mdash;&mdash;little dost thou know what
+obstacles,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;little dost thou think what hidden
+causes, retard its operation!&mdash;&mdash;Hast thou, Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>,&mdash;hast thou been intrusted with the secret articles of
+the solemn treaty which has brought thee into this place?&mdash;Art thou
+aware that at this instant, a&nbsp;daughter of <i>Lucina</i> is put
+obstetrically over thy head? Alas!&mdash;’tis too true.&mdash;Besides,
+great son of <i>Pilumnus!</i> what canst thou do?&mdash;Thou hast come
+forth unarm’d;&mdash;thou hast left thy <i>tire-tête</i>,&mdash;thy
+new-invented <i>forceps</i>,&mdash;thy <i>crotchet</i>,&mdash;thy
+<i>squirt</i>, and all thy instruments of salvation and deliverance,
+behind thee,&mdash;By Heaven! at this moment they are hanging up in a
+green bays bag, betwixt thy two pistols,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page80" id = "page80">80</a></span>
+at the bed’s head!&mdash;Ring;&mdash;call;&mdash;send <i>Obadiah</i>
+back upon the coach-horse to bring them with all speed.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Make great haste, <i>Obadiah</i>, quoth my father, and
+I’ll give thee a crown!&mdash;and quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, I’ll give
+him another.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapXII" id = "bookII_chapXII">
+CHAPTER XII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Your</span> sudden and unexpected arrival,
+quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, addressing himself to Dr. <i>Slop</i> (all
+three of them sitting down to the fire together, as my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+began to speak)&mdash;instantly brought the great <i>Stevinus</i> into
+my head, who, you must know, is a favourite author with me.&mdash;Then,
+added my father, making use of the argument <i>Ad
+Crumenam</i>,&mdash;I&nbsp;will lay twenty guineas to a single
+crown-piece (which will serve to give away to <i>Obadiah</i> when he
+gets back) that this same <i>Stevinus</i> was some engineer or
+other,&mdash;or has wrote something or other, either directly or
+indirectly, upon the science of fortification.</p>
+
+<p>He has so,&mdash;replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;I knew it, said
+my father, though, for the soul of me, I&nbsp;cannot see what kind of
+connection there can be betwixt Dr. <i>Slop’s</i> sudden coming, and a
+discourse upon fortification;&mdash;yet I fear’d it.&mdash;Talk of what
+we will, brother,&mdash;&mdash;or let the occasion be never so foreign
+or unfit for the subject,&mdash;you are sure to bring it in.
+I&nbsp;would not, brother <i>Toby</i>, continued my
+father,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;declare I would not have my head so
+full of curtins and hornworks.&mdash;That I dare say you would not,
+quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, interrupting him, and laughing most immoderately
+at his pun.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dennis</i> the critic could not detest and abhor a pun, or the
+insinuation of a pun, more cordially than my father;&mdash;he would grow
+testy upon it at any time;&mdash;but to be broke in upon by one, in a
+serious discourse, was as bad, he would say, as a fillip upon the
+nose;&mdash;&mdash;he saw no difference.</p>
+
+<p>Sir, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, addressing himself to Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>,&mdash;the curtins my brother <i>Shandy</i> mentions here,
+have nothing to do with bedsteads;&mdash;tho’, I&nbsp;know <i>Du
+Cange</i> says, “That bed-curtains, in all probability, have taken their
+name from them;”&mdash;nor have the hornworks he speaks of, anything in
+the world to do with the horn-works of cuckoldom:&mdash;But the
+<i>Curtin</i>, Sir, is the word we use in fortification, for that part
+of the wall or rampart which lies between the two bastions and joins
+them&mdash;Besiegers seldom offer to carry on their attacks directly
+against the curtin, for this reason, because they are so well
+<i>flanked</i>.
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page81" id = "page81">81</a></span>
+(’Tis the case of other curtains, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, laughing.)
+However, continued my uncle <i>Toby</i>, to make them sure, we generally
+choose to place ravelins before them, taking care only to extend them
+beyond the fossĂŠ or ditch:&mdash;&mdash;The common men, who know very
+little of fortification, confound the ravelin and the half-moon
+together,&mdash;tho’ they are very different things;&mdash;not in their
+figure or construction, for we make them exactly alike, in all
+points;&mdash;for they always consist of two faces, making a salient
+angle, with the gorges, not straight, but in form of a
+crescent:&mdash;&mdash;Where then lies the difference? (quoth my father,
+a&nbsp;little testily).&mdash;In their situations, answered my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>:&mdash;For when a ravelin, brother, stands before the
+curtin, it is a ravelin; and when a ravelin stands before a bastion,
+then the ravelin is not a ravelin;&mdash;it is a
+half-moon;&mdash;a&nbsp;half-moon likewise is a half-moon, and no more,
+so long as it stands before its bastion;&mdash;&mdash;but was it to
+change place, and get before the curtin,&mdash;’twould be no longer a
+half-moon; a&nbsp;half-moon, in that case, is not a
+half-moon;&mdash;’tis no more than a ravelin.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;think,
+quoth my father, that the noble science of defence has its weak
+sides&mdash;&mdash;as well as others.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;As for the horn-work (high! ho! sigh’d my father) which,
+continued my uncle <i>Toby</i>, my brother was speaking of, they are a
+very considerable part of an outwork;&mdash;&mdash;they are called by
+the <i>French</i> engineers, <i>Ouvrage Ă  corne</i>, and we generally
+make them to cover such places as we suspect to be weaker than the
+rest;&mdash;’tis formed by two epaulments or demi-bastions&mdash;they
+are very pretty,&mdash;and if you will take a walk, I’ll engage to shew
+you one well worth your trouble.&mdash;I&nbsp;own, continued my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, when we crown them,&mdash;they are much stronger, but then
+they are very expensive, and take up a great deal of ground, so that, in
+my opinion, they are most of use to cover or defend the head of a camp;
+otherwise the double tenaille&mdash;By the mother who bore
+us!&mdash;&mdash;brother <i>Toby</i>, quoth my father, not able to hold
+out any longer,&mdash;&mdash;you would provoke a
+saint;&mdash;&mdash;here have you got us, I&nbsp;know not how, not only
+souse into the middle of the old subject again:&mdash;But so full is
+your head of these confounded works, that though my wife is this moment
+in the pains of labour, and you hear her cry out, yet nothing will serve
+you but to carry off the
+man-midwife.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Accoucheur</i>,&mdash;if you please, quoth
+Dr. <i>Slop</i>.&mdash;&mdash;With all my heart, replied my father,
+I&nbsp;don’t care what they call you,&mdash;but I wish the whole science
+of fortification, with all its inventors, at the devil;&mdash;it has
+been the death of thousands,&mdash;and it will be mine in
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page82" id = "page82">82</a></span>
+the end,&mdash;I would not, I&nbsp;would not, brother <i>Toby</i>, have
+my brains so full of saps, mines, blinds, gabions, pallisadoes,
+ravelins, half-moons, and such trumpery, to be proprietor of
+<i>Namur</i>, and of all the towns in <i>Flanders</i> with&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> was a man patient of injuries;&mdash;not from
+want of courage,&mdash;I&nbsp;have told you in a former chapter, “that
+he was a man of courage:”&mdash;And will add here, that where just
+occasions presented, or called it forth,&mdash;I&nbsp;know no man under
+whose arm I would have sooner taken shelter;&mdash;&mdash;nor did this
+arise from any insensibility or obtuseness of his intellectual
+parts;&mdash;for he felt this insult of my father’s as feelingly as a
+man could do;&mdash;but he was of a peaceful, placid nature,&mdash;no
+jarring element in it,&mdash;all was mixed up so kindly within him; my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> had scarce a heart to retaliate upon a fly.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Go&mdash;says he, one day at dinner, to an over-grown one
+which had buzzed about his nose, and tormented him cruelly all
+dinner-time,&mdash;and which after infinite attempts, he had caught at
+last, as it flew by him;&mdash;I’ll not hurt thee, says my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, rising from his chair, and going across the room, with the
+fly in his hand,&mdash;&mdash;I’ll not hurt a hair of thy
+head:&mdash;Go, says he, lifting up the sash, and opening his hand as he
+spoke, to let it escape;&mdash;go, poor devil, get thee gone, why should
+I hurt thee?&mdash;&mdash;This world surely is wide enough to hold both
+thee and&nbsp;me.</p>
+
+<p>I was but ten years old when this happened: but whether it was, that
+the action itself was more in unison to my nerves at that age of pity,
+which instantly set my whole frame into one vibration of most
+pleasurable sensation;&mdash;or how far the manner and expression of it
+might go towards it;&mdash;or in what degree, or by what secret
+magick,&mdash;a&nbsp;tone of voice and harmony of movement, attuned by
+mercy, might find a passage to my heart, I&nbsp;know not;&mdash;this I
+know, that the lesson of universal good-will then taught and imprinted
+by my uncle <i>Toby</i>, has never since been worn out of my mind: And
+tho’ I&nbsp;would not depreciate what the study of the <i>Literæ
+humaniores</i>, at the university, have done for me in that respect, or
+discredit the other helps of an expensive education bestowed upon me,
+both at home and abroad since;&mdash;yet I often think that I owe one
+half of my philanthropy to that one accidental impression.</p>
+
+<p><img src = "images/finger.gif" width = "30" height = "13" alt =
+"--&gt;" /> This is to serve for parents and governors instead of a
+whole volume upon the subject.</p>
+
+<p>I could not give the reader this stroke in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+picture, by the instrument with which I drew the other parts of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page83" id = "page83">83</a></span>
+it,&mdash;that taking in no more than the mere <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hobby-Horsical</span> likeness:&mdash;&mdash;this is a part
+of his moral character. My father, in this patient endurance of wrongs,
+which I mention, was very different, as the reader must long ago have
+noted; he had a much more acute and quick sensibility of nature,
+attended with a little soreness of temper; tho’ this never transported
+him to anything which looked like malignancy:&mdash;yet in the little
+rubs and vexations of life, ’twas apt to shew itself in a drollish and
+witty kind of peevishness:&mdash;&mdash;He was, however, frank and
+generous in his nature;&mdash;&mdash;at all times open to conviction;
+and in the little ebullitions of this subacid humour towards others, but
+particularly towards my uncle <i>Toby</i>, whom he truly
+loved:&mdash;&mdash;he would feel more pain, ten times told (except in
+the affair of my aunt <i>Dinah</i>, or where an hypothesis was
+concerned) than what he ever gave.</p>
+
+<p>The characters of the two brothers, in this view of them, reflected
+light upon each other, and appeared with great advantage in this affair
+which arose about <i>Stevinus</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I need not tell the reader, if he keeps a <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span>,&mdash;&mdash;that a man’s <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span> is as tender a part as he has about him;
+and that these unprovoked strokes at my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> could not be
+unfelt by him.&mdash;&mdash;No:&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;as I said above, my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> did feel them, and very sensibly too.</p>
+
+<p>Pray, Sir, what said he?&mdash;How did he behave?&mdash;O,
+Sir!&mdash;it was great: For as soon as my father had done insulting his
+<span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span>,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;he
+turned his head without the least emotion, from Dr. <i>Slop</i>, to whom
+he was addressing his discourse, and looking up into my father’s face,
+with a countenance spread over with so much good-nature;&mdash;&mdash;so
+placid;&mdash;&mdash;so fraternal;&mdash;&mdash;so inexpressibly tender
+towards him:&mdash;it penetrated my father to his heart: He rose up
+hastily from his chair, and seizing hold of both my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+hands as he spoke:&mdash;Brother <i>Toby</i>, said he,&mdash;I&nbsp;beg
+thy pardon;&mdash;&mdash;forgive, I&nbsp;pray thee, this rash humour
+which my mother gave me.&mdash;&mdash;My dear, dear brother, answered my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, rising up by my father’s help, say no more about
+it;&mdash;you are heartily welcome, had it been ten times as much,
+brother. But ’tis ungenerous, replied my father, to hurt any
+man;&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;brother worse;&mdash;&mdash;but to hurt a
+brother of such gentle manners,&mdash;so unprovoking,&mdash;and so
+unresenting;&mdash;&mdash;’tis base:&mdash;&mdash;By Heaven, ’tis
+cowardly.&mdash;You are heartily welcome, brother, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;had it been fifty times as
+much.&mdash;&mdash;Besides, what have I to do, my dear <i>Toby</i>,
+cried my father, either with your amusements or your pleasures,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page84" id = "page84">84</a></span>
+unless it was in my power (which it is not) to increase their
+measure?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Brother <i>Shandy</i>, answered my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+looking wistfully in his face,&mdash;&mdash;you are much mistaken in
+this point:&mdash;for you do increase my pleasure very much, in
+begetting children for the <i>Shandy</i> family at your time of
+life.&mdash;But, by that, Sir, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, Mr. <i>Shandy</i>
+increases his own.&mdash;Not a jot, quoth my father.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapXIII" id = "bookII_chapXIII">
+CHAPTER XIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> brother does it, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, out of <i>principle</i>.&mdash;&mdash;In a family way,
+I&nbsp;suppose, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Pshaw!&mdash;said my
+father,&mdash;’tis not worth talking&nbsp;of.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapXIV" id = "bookII_chapXIV">
+CHAPTER XIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">At</span> the end of the last chapter, my
+father and my uncle <i>Toby</i> were left both standing, like
+<i>Brutus</i> and <i>Cassius</i>, at the close of the scene, making up
+their accounts.</p>
+
+<p>As my father spoke the three last words,&mdash;&mdash;he sat
+down;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> exactly followed his example, only,
+that before he took his chair, he rung the bell, to order Corporal
+<i>Trim</i>, who was in waiting, to step home for
+<i>Stevinus</i>:&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> house being no farther off
+than the opposite side of the way.</p>
+
+<p>Some men would have dropped the subject of
+<i>Stevinus</i>;&mdash;&mdash;but my uncle <i>Toby</i> had no resentment
+in his heart, and he went on with the subject, to shew my father that he
+had none.</p>
+
+<p>Your sudden appearance, Dr. <i>Slop</i>, quoth my uncle, resuming the
+discourse, instantly brought <i>Stevinus</i> into my head.
+(My&nbsp;father, you may be sure, did not offer to lay any more wagers
+upon <i>Stevinus’s</i> head.)&mdash;&mdash;Because, continued my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, the celebrated sailing chariot, which belonged to Prince
+<i>Maurice</i>, and was of such wonderful contrivance and velocity, as
+to carry half a dozen people thirty <i>German</i> miles, in I don’t know
+how few minutes,&mdash;&mdash;was invented by <i>Stevinus</i>, that
+great mathematician and engineer.</p>
+
+<p>You might have spared your servant the trouble, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>
+(as&nbsp;the fellow is lame) of going for <i>Stevinus’s</i> account of
+it, because in my return from <i>Leyden</i> thro’ the <i>Hague</i>,
+I&nbsp;walked as far as <i>Schevling</i>, which is two long miles, on
+purpose to take a view of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page85" id = "page85">85</a></span>
+<p>That’s nothing, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>, to what the learned
+<i>Peireskius</i> did, who walked a matter of five hundred miles,
+reckoning from <i>Paris</i> to <i>Schevling</i>, and from
+<i>Schevling</i> to <i>Paris</i> back again, in order to see
+it,&mdash;and nothing else.</p>
+
+<p>Some men cannot bear to be out-gone.</p>
+
+<p>The more fool <i>Peireskius</i>, replied Dr. <i>Slop</i>. But mark,
+’twas out of no contempt of <i>Peireskius</i> at all;&mdash;&mdash;but
+that <i>Peireskius’s</i> indefatigable labour in trudging so far on
+foot, out of love for the sciences, reduced the exploit of Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>, in that affair, to nothing:&mdash;the more fool
+<i>Peireskius</i>, said he again.&mdash;Why so?&mdash;replied my father,
+taking his brother’s part, not only to make reparation as fast as he
+could for the insult he had given him, which sat still upon my father’s
+mind;&mdash;&mdash;but partly, that my father began really to interest
+himself in the discourse.&mdash;&mdash;Why so?&mdash;&mdash;said he. Why
+is <i>Peireskius</i>, or any man else, to be abused for an appetite for
+that, or any other morsel of sound knowledge: For notwithstanding I know
+nothing of the chariot in question, continued he, the inventor of it
+must have had a very mechanical head; and tho’ I&nbsp;cannot guess upon
+what principles of philosophy he has atchieved it;&mdash;yet certainly
+his machine has been constructed upon solid ones, be they what they
+will, or it could not have answered at the rate my brother mentions.</p>
+
+<p>It answered, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>, as well, if not better;
+for, as <i>Peireskius</i> elegantly expresses it, speaking of the
+velocity of its motion, <i>Tam citus erat, quam erat ventus</i>; which,
+unless I have forgot my Latin, is, <i>that it was as swift as the wind
+itself</i>.</p>
+
+<p>But pray, Dr. <i>Slop</i>, quoth my father, interrupting my uncle
+(tho’ not without begging pardon for it at the same time) upon what
+principles was this self-same chariot set a-going?&mdash;Upon very
+pretty principles to be sure, replied Dr. <i>Slop</i>:&mdash;And I have
+often wondered, continued he, evading the question, why none of our
+gentry, who live upon large plains like this of ours,&mdash;(especially
+they whose wives are not past child-bearing) attempt nothing of this
+kind; for it would not only be infinitely expeditious upon sudden calls,
+to which the sex is subject,&mdash;if the wind only served,&mdash;but
+would be excellent good husbandry to make use of the winds, which cost
+nothing, and which eat nothing, rather than horses, which (the devil
+take ’em) both cost and eat a great deal.</p>
+
+<p>For that very reason, replied my father, “Because they cost nothing,
+and because they eat nothing,”&mdash;the scheme is bad;&mdash;it is the
+consumption of our products, as well as the manufactures
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page86" id = "page86">86</a></span>
+of them, which gives bread to the hungry, circulates trade,&mdash;brings
+in money, and supports the value of our lands:&mdash;and tho’,
+I&nbsp;own, if I was a Prince, I&nbsp;would generously recompense the
+scientifick head which brought forth such contrivances;&mdash;yet I
+would as peremptorily suppress the use of them.</p>
+
+<p>My father here had got into his element,&mdash;&mdash;and was going
+on as prosperously with his dissertation upon trade, as my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> had before, upon his of fortification;&mdash;but to the loss
+of much sound knowledge, the destinies in the morning had decreed that
+no dissertation of any kind should be spun by my father that
+day,&mdash;&mdash;for as he opened his mouth to begin the next
+sentence.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapXV" id = "bookII_chapXV">
+CHAPTER XV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">In</span> popped Corporal <i>Trim</i> with
+<i>Stevinus</i>:&mdash;But ’twas too late,&mdash;all the discourse had
+been exhausted without him, and was running into a new
+channel.&mdash;You may take the book home again, <i>Trim</i>, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, nodding to him.</p>
+
+<p>But prithee, Corporal, quoth my father, drolling,&mdash;look first
+into it, and see if thou canst spy aught of a sailing chariot
+in&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Corporal <i>Trim</i>, by being in the service, had learned to
+obey,&mdash;and not to remonstrate;&mdash;so taking the book to a
+side-table, and running over the leaves; An’ please your Honour, said
+<i>Trim</i>, I&nbsp;can see no such thing;&mdash;however, continued the
+Corporal, drolling a little in his turn, I’ll make sure work of it, an’
+please your Honour;&mdash;so taking hold of the two covers of the book,
+one in each hand, and letting the leaves fall down, as he bent the
+covers back, he gave the book a good sound shake.</p>
+
+<p>There is something falling out, however, said <i>Trim</i>, an’ please
+your Honour;&mdash;but it is not a chariot, or anything like
+one:&mdash;Prithee, Corporal, said my father, smiling, what is it
+then?&mdash;I&nbsp;think, answered <i>Trim</i>, stooping to take it
+up,&mdash;&mdash;’tis more like a sermon,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;for it
+begins with a text of scripture, and the chapter and verse;&mdash;and
+then goes on, not as a chariot, but like a sermon directly.</p>
+
+<p>The company smiled.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot conceive how it is possible, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, for
+such a thing as a sermon to have got into my <i>Stevinus</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I think ’tis a sermon, replied <i>Trim</i>;&mdash;but if it please
+your Honours, as it is a fair hand, I&nbsp;will read you a
+page;&mdash;for <i>Trim</i>, you must know, loved to hear himself read
+almost as well as talk.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page87" id = "page87">87</a></span>
+<p>I have ever a strong propensity, said my father, to look into things
+which cross my way, by such strange fatalities as these;&mdash;and as we
+have nothing better to do, at least till <i>Obadiah</i> gets back,
+I&nbsp;shall be obliged to you, brother, if Dr. <i>Slop</i> has no
+objection to it, to order the Corporal to give us a page or two of
+it,&mdash;if he is as able to do it, as he seems willing. An’ please
+your Honour, quoth <i>Trim</i>, I&nbsp;officiated two whole campaigns,
+in <i>Flanders</i>, as clerk to the chaplain of the
+regiment.&mdash;&mdash;He can read it, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, as
+well as I can.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim</i>, I&nbsp;assure you, was the best
+scholar in my company, and should have had the next halberd, but for the
+poor fellow’s misfortune. Corporal <i>Trim</i> laid his hand upon his
+heart, and made an humble bow to his master;&mdash;then laying down his
+hat upon the floor, and taking up the sermon in his left hand, in order
+to have his right at liberty,&mdash;&mdash;he advanced, nothing
+doubting, into the middle of the room, where he could best see, and be
+best seen by his audience.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapXVI" id = "bookII_chapXVI">
+CHAPTER XVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;If you have any objection,&mdash;said my father, addressing
+himself to Dr. <i>Slop</i>. Not in the least, replied Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>;&mdash;for it does not appear on which side of the question
+it is wrote;&mdash;&mdash;it may be a composition of a divine of our
+church, as well as yours,&mdash;so that we run equal
+risques.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis wrote upon neither side, quoth <i>Trim</i>,
+for ’tis only upon <i>Conscience</i>, an’ please your Honours.</p>
+
+<p><i>Trim’s</i> reason put his audience into good-humour,&mdash;all but
+Dr. <i>Slop</i>, who turning his head about towards <i>Trim</i>, looked
+a little angry.</p>
+
+<p>Begin, <i>Trim</i>,&mdash;and read distinctly, quoth my
+father.&mdash;I will, an’ please your Honour, replied the Corporal,
+making a bow, and bespeaking attention with a slight movement of his
+right hand.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapXVII" id = "bookII_chapXVII">
+CHAPTER XVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But before the Corporal begins, I must first give you a
+description of his attitude;&mdash;&mdash;otherwise he will naturally
+stand represented, by your imagination, in an uneasy
+posture,&mdash;stiff,&mdash;perpendicular,&mdash;dividing the weight of
+his body equally upon both legs;&mdash;&mdash;his eye fixed, as if on
+duty;&mdash;his look determined,&mdash;clenching the sermon in his left
+hand, like his firelock.&mdash;&mdash;In
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page88" id = "page88">88</a></span>
+a word, you would be apt to paint <i>Trim</i>, as if he was standing in
+his platoon ready for action.&mdash;His attitude was as unlike all this
+as you can conceive.</p>
+
+<p>He stood before them with his body swayed, and bent forwards just so
+far, as to make an angle of 85 degrees and a half upon the plain of the
+horizon;&mdash;which sound orators, to whom I address this, know very
+well to be the true persuasive angle of incidence;&mdash;in any other
+angle you may talk and preach;&mdash;’tis certain;&mdash;and it is done
+every day;&mdash;but with what effect,&mdash;I&nbsp;leave the world to
+judge!</p>
+
+<p>The necessity of this precise angle, of 85 degrees and a half to a
+mathematical exactness,&mdash;&mdash;does it not shew us, by the way,
+how the arts and sciences mutually befriend each other?</p>
+
+<p>How the duce Corporal <i>Trim</i>, who knew not so much as an acute
+angle from an obtuse one, came to hit it so exactly;&mdash;&mdash;or
+whether it was chance or nature, or good sense or imitation, &amp;c.,
+shall be commented upon in that part of the cyclopĂŚdia of arts and
+sciences, where the instrumental parts of the eloquence of the senate,
+the pulpit, and the bar, the coffee-house, the bed-chamber, and
+fire-side, fall under consideration.</p>
+
+<p>He stood,&mdash;&mdash;for I repeat it, to take the picture of him in
+at one view, with his body swayed, and somewhat bent forwards,&mdash;his
+right leg from under him, sustaining seven-eighths of his whole
+weight,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;the foot of his left leg, the defect of
+which was no disadvantage to his attitude, advanced a little,&mdash;not
+laterally, nor forwards, but in a line betwixt them;&mdash;his knee
+bent, but that not violently,&mdash;but so as to fall within the limits
+of the line of beauty;&mdash;and I add, of the line of science
+too;&mdash;for consider, it had one eighth part of his body to bear
+up;&mdash;so that in this case the position of the leg is
+determined,&mdash;because the foot could be no farther advanced, or the
+knee more bent, than what would allow him, mechanically to receive an
+eighth part of his whole weight under it, and to carry it too.</p>
+
+<p><img src = "images/finger.gif" width = "30" height = "13" alt =
+"--&gt;" /> This I recommend to painters:&mdash;need I add,&mdash;to
+orators!&mdash;I&nbsp;think not; for unless they practise
+it,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;they must fall upon their noses.</p>
+
+<p>So much for Corporal <i>Trim’s</i> body and legs.&mdash;&mdash;He
+held the sermon loosely, not carelessly, in his left hand, raised
+something above his stomach, and detached a little from his
+breast;&mdash;&mdash;his right arm falling negligently by his side, as
+nature and the laws of gravity ordered it,&mdash;&mdash;but with the
+palm of it open and turned towards his audience, ready to aid the
+sentiment in case it stood in need.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page89" id = "page89">89</a></span>
+<p>Corporal <i>Trim’s</i> eyes and the muscles of his face were in full
+harmony with the other parts of him;&mdash;he looked
+frank,&mdash;unconstrained,&mdash;something assured,&mdash;but not
+bordering upon assurance.</p>
+
+<p>Let not the critic ask how Corporal <i>Trim</i> could come by all
+this.&mdash;&mdash;I’ve told him it should be explained;&mdash;but so he
+stood before my father, my uncle <i>Toby</i>, and Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>,&mdash;so swayed his body, so contrasted his limbs, and with
+such an oratorical sweep throughout the whole
+figure,&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;statuary might have modelled from
+it;&mdash;&mdash;nay, I&nbsp;doubt whether the oldest Fellow of a
+College,&mdash;or the <i>Hebrew</i> Professor himself, could have much
+mended&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Trim</i> made a bow, and read as follows:</p>
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_sermon" id = "bookII_sermon">
+<span class = "smallcaps">The SERMON</span></a><br />
+<span class = "smallcaps">Hebrews</span> xiii. 18</h4>
+
+<h5 class = "ital">
+&mdash;&mdash;For we <em>trust</em> we have a good Conscience</h5>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">“Trust!</span>&mdash;&mdash;Trust we have a
+good conscience!”</p>
+
+<p>[Certainly, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my father, interrupting him, you give
+that sentence a very improper accent; for you curl up your nose, man,
+and read it with such a sneering tone, as if the Parson was going to
+abuse the Apostle.</p>
+
+<p>He is, an’ please your Honour, replied <i>Trim</i>. Pugh! said my
+father, smiling.</p>
+
+<p>Sir, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, <i>Trim</i> is certainly in the right;
+for the writer (who I perceive is a Protestant) by the snappish manner
+in which he takes up the apostle, is certainly going to abuse
+him;&mdash;if this treatment of him has not done it already. But from
+whence, replied my father, have you concluded so soon, Dr. <i>Slop</i>,
+that the writer is of our church?&mdash;for aught I can see
+yet,&mdash;he may be of any church.&mdash;&mdash;Because, answered Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>, if he was of ours,&mdash;he durst no more take such a
+licence,&mdash;than a bear by his beard:&mdash;If, in our communion,
+Sir, a&nbsp;man was to insult an
+apostle,&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;saint,&mdash;&mdash;or even the paring of a
+saint’s nail,&mdash;he would have his eyes scratched out.&mdash;What, by
+the saint? quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>. No, replied Dr. <i>Slop</i>, he
+would have an old house over his head. Pray is the Inquisition an
+ancient building, answered my uncle <i>Toby</i>, or is it a modern
+one?&mdash;I&nbsp;know nothing of architecture, replied Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>.&mdash;An’ please your Honours, quoth <i>Trim</i>, the
+Inquisition is the vilest&mdash;&mdash;Prithee spare thy description,
+<i>Trim</i>, I&nbsp;hate the very name of it, said my
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page90" id = "page90">90</a></span>
+father.&mdash;No matter for that, answered Dr. <i>Slop</i>,&mdash;it has
+its uses; for tho’ I’m no great advocate for it, yet, in such a case as
+this, he would soon be taught better manners; and I can tell him, if he
+went on at that rate, would be flung into the Inquisition for his pains.
+God help him then, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>. Amen, added <i>Trim</i>;
+for Heaven above knows, I&nbsp;have a poor brother who has been fourteen
+years a captive in it.&mdash;I&nbsp;never heard one word of it before,
+said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, hastily:&mdash;How came he there,
+<i>Trim?</i>&mdash;&mdash;O, Sir! the story will make your heart
+bleed,&mdash;as it has made mine a thousand times;&mdash;but it is too
+long to be told now;&mdash;your Honour shall hear it from first to last
+some day when I am working beside you in our fortifications;&mdash;but
+the short of the story is this;&mdash;That my brother <i>Tom</i> went
+over a servant to <i>Lisbon</i>,&mdash;and then married a Jew’s widow,
+who kept a small shop, and sold sausages, which somehow or other, was
+the cause of his being taken in the middle of the night out of his bed,
+where he was lying with his wife and two small children, and carried
+directly to the Inquisition, where, God help him, continued <i>Trim</i>,
+fetching a sigh from the bottom of his heart,&mdash;the poor honest lad
+lies confined at this hour; he was as honest a soul, added <i>Trim</i>,
+(pulling out his handkerchief) as ever blood <span class =
+"locked">warmed.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;The tears trickled down <i>Trim’s</i> cheeks faster than he
+could well wipe them away.&mdash;And dead silence in the room ensued for
+some minutes.&mdash;Certain proof of pity!</p>
+
+<p>Come, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my father, after he saw the poor fellow’s
+grief had got a little vent,&mdash;read on,&mdash;and put this
+melancholy story out of thy head:&mdash;I&nbsp;grieve that I interrupted
+thee; but prithee begin the sermon again;&mdash;for if the first
+sentence in it is matter of abuse, as thou sayest, I&nbsp;have a great
+desire to know what kind of provocation the apostle has given.</p>
+
+<p>Corporal <i>Trim</i> wiped his face, and returned his handkerchief
+into his pocket, and, making a bow as he did it,&mdash;he began
+again.]</p>
+
+
+<h4><span class = "smallcaps">The SERMON<br />
+Hebrews</span> xiii. 18</h4>
+
+<h5 class = "ital">
+&mdash;&mdash;For we <em>trust</em> we have a good Conscience</h5>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">“Trust!</span> trust we have a good
+conscience! Surely if there is any thing in this life which a man may
+depend upon, and to the knowledge of which he is capable of arriving
+upon the most
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page91" id = "page91">91</a></span>
+indisputable evidence, it must be this very thing,&mdash;whether he has
+a good conscience or&nbsp;no.”</p>
+
+<p>[I am positive I am right, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>.]</p>
+
+<p>“If a man thinks at all, he cannot well be a stranger to the true
+state of this account;&mdash;&mdash;he must be privy to his own thoughts
+and desires;&mdash;he must remember his past pursuits, and know
+certainly the true springs and motives, which, in general, have governed
+the actions of his life.”</p>
+
+<p>[I defy him, without an assistant, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>.]</p>
+
+<p>“In other matters we may be deceived by false appearances; and, as
+the wise man complains, <i>hardly do we guess aright at the things that
+are upon the earth, and with labour do we find the things that are
+before us</i>. But here the mind has all the evidence and facts within
+herself;&mdash;&mdash;is conscious of the web she has
+wove;&mdash;&mdash;knows its texture and fineness, and the exact share
+which every passion has had in working upon the several designs which
+virtue or vice has planned before her.”</p>
+
+<p>[The language is good, and I declare <i>Trim</i> reads very well,
+quoth my father.]</p>
+
+<p>“Now,&mdash;as conscience is nothing else but the knowledge which the
+mind has within herself of this; and the judgment, either of approbation
+or censure, which it unavoidably makes upon the successive actions of
+our lives; ’tis plain you will say, from the very terms of the
+proposition,&mdash;whenever this inward testimony goes against a man,
+and he stands self-accused, that he must necessarily be a guilty
+man.&mdash;And, on the contrary, when the report is favourable on his
+side, and his heart condemns him not:&mdash;that it is not a matter of
+<i>trust</i>, as the apostle intimates, but a matter of <i>certainty</i>
+and fact, that the conscience is good, and that the man must be good
+also.”</p>
+
+<p>[Then the apostle is altogether in the wrong, I suppose, quoth Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>, and the Protestant divine is in the right. Sir, have
+patience, replied my father, for I think it will presently appear that
+St. <i>Paul</i> and the Protestant divine are both of an
+opinion.&mdash;As nearly so, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, as east is to
+west;&mdash;but this, continued he, lifting both hands, comes from the
+liberty of the press.</p>
+
+<p>It is no more, at the worst, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>, than the
+liberty of the pulpit; for it does not appear that the sermon is
+printed, or ever likely to&nbsp;be.</p>
+
+<p>Go on, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my father.]</p>
+
+<p>“At first sight this may seem to be a true state of the case: and I
+make no doubt but the knowledge of right and wrong is so truly impressed
+upon the mind of man,&mdash;that did no such thing
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page92" id = "page92">92</a></span>
+ever happen, as that the conscience of a man, by long habits of sin,
+might (as&nbsp;the scripture assures it may) insensibly become
+hard;&mdash;and, like some tender parts of his body, by much stress and
+continual hard usage, lose by degrees that nice sense and perception
+with which God and nature endowed it:&mdash;Did this never
+happen;&mdash;or was it certain that self-love could never hang the
+least bias upon the judgment;&mdash;or that the little interests below
+could rise up and perplex the faculties of our upper regions, and
+encompass them about with clouds and thick darkness:&mdash;&mdash;Could
+no such thing as favour and affection enter this sacred Court:&mdash;Did
+<span class = "smallcaps">Wit</span> disdain to take a bribe in
+it;&mdash;or was ashamed to shew its face as an advocate for an
+unwarrantable enjoyment: Or, lastly, were we assured that <span class =
+"smallcaps">Interest</span> stood always unconcerned whilst the cause
+was hearing&mdash;and that Passion never got into the judgment-seat, and
+pronounced sentence in the stead of Reason, which is supposed always to
+preside and determine upon the case:&mdash;Was this truly so, as the
+objection must suppose;&mdash;no doubt then the religious and moral
+state of a man would be exactly what he himself esteemed it:&mdash;and
+the guilt or innocence of every man’s life could be known, in general,
+by no better measure, than the degrees of his own approbation and
+censure.</p>
+
+<p>“I own, in one case, whenever a man’s conscience does accuse him
+(as&nbsp;it seldom errs on that side) that he is guilty; and unless in
+melancholy and hypocondriac cases, we may safely pronounce upon it, that
+there is always sufficient grounds for the accusation.</p>
+
+<p>“But the converse of the proposition will not hold
+true;&mdash;namely, that whenever there is guilt, the conscience must
+accuse; and if it does not, that a man is therefore
+innocent.&mdash;&mdash;This is not fact&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;So that the
+common consolation which some good christian or other is hourly
+administering to himself,&mdash;that he thanks God his mind does not
+misgive him; and that, consequently, he has a good conscience, because
+he hath a quiet one,&mdash;is fallacious;&mdash;and as current as the
+inference is, and as infallible as the rule appears at first sight, yet
+when you look nearer to it, and try the truth of this rule upon plain
+facts,&mdash;&mdash;you see it liable to so much error from a false
+application;&mdash;&mdash;the principle upon which it goes so often
+perverted;&mdash;&mdash;the whole force of it lost, and sometimes so
+vilely cast away, that it is painful to produce the common examples from
+human life, which confirm the account.</p>
+
+<p>“A man shall be vicious and utterly debauched in his
+principles;&mdash;exceptionable in his conduct to the world; shall
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page93" id = "page93">93</a></span>
+live shameless, in the open commission of a sin which no reason or
+pretence can justify,&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;sin by which, contrary to all
+the workings of humanity, he shall ruin for ever the deluded partner of
+his guilt;&mdash;rob her of her best dowry; and not only cover her own
+head with dishonour;&mdash;but involve a whole virtuous family in shame
+and sorrow for her sake. Surely, you will think conscience must lead
+such a man a troublesome life; he can have no rest night or day from its
+reproaches.</p>
+
+<p>“Alas! <span class = "smallcaps">Conscience</span> had something else
+to do all this time, than break in upon him; as <i>Elijah</i> reproached
+the god <i>Baal</i>,&mdash;&mdash;this domestic god <i>was either
+talking, or pursuing, or was in a journey, or peradventure he slept and
+could not be awoke</i>.</p>
+
+<p>“Perhaps <span class = "smallcaps">He</span> was gone out in company
+with <span class = "smallcaps">Honour</span> to fight a duel: to pay off
+some debt at play;&mdash;&mdash;or dirty annuity, the bargain of his
+lust; Perhaps <span class = "smallcaps">Conscience</span> all this time
+was engaged at home, talking aloud against petty larceny, and executing
+vengeance upon some such puny crimes as his fortune and rank of life
+secured him against all temptation of committing; so that he lives as
+merrily”&mdash;&mdash;[If he was of our church, tho’, quoth Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>, he could not]&mdash;“sleeps as soundly in his
+bed;&mdash;and at last meets death as unconcernedly;&mdash;perhaps much
+more so, than a much better man.”</p>
+
+<p>[All this is impossible with us, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, turning to my
+father,&mdash;the case could not happen in our church.&mdash;It happens
+in ours, however, replied my father, but too
+often.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;own, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, (struck a little
+with my father’s frank acknowledgment)&mdash;that a man in the
+<i>Romish</i> church may live as badly;&mdash;but then he cannot easily
+die so.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis little matter, replied my father, with an air
+of indifference,&mdash;how a rascal dies.&mdash;I&nbsp;mean, answered
+Dr. <i>Slop</i>, he would be denied the benefits of the last
+sacraments.&mdash;Pray how many have you in all, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;&mdash;for I always forget?&mdash;&mdash;Seven,
+answered Dr. <i>Slop</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Humph!&mdash;said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>; tho’ not accented as a note of acquiescence,&mdash;but as
+an interjection of that particular species of surprize, when a man in
+looking into a drawer, finds more of a thing than he
+expected.&mdash;&mdash;Humph! replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>. Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>, who had an ear, understood my uncle <i>Toby</i> as well as
+if he had wrote a whole volume against the seven
+sacraments.&mdash;&mdash;Humph! replied Dr. <i>Slop</i> (stating my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> argument over again to him)&mdash;&mdash;Why, Sir,
+are there not seven cardinal virtues?&mdash;&mdash;Seven mortal
+sins?&mdash;&mdash;Seven golden candlesticks?&mdash;&mdash;Seven
+heavens?&mdash;’Tis more than I know, replied my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Are there not seven wonders of the
+world?&mdash;&mdash;Seven
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page94" id = "page94">94</a></span>
+days of the creation?&mdash;&mdash;Seven planets?&mdash;&mdash;Seven
+plagues?&mdash;&mdash;That there are, quoth my father with a most
+affected gravity. But prithee, continued he, go on with the rest of thy
+characters, <i>Trim</i>.]</p>
+
+<p>“Another is sordid, unmerciful,” (here <i>Trim</i> waved his right
+hand) “a&nbsp;strait-hearted, selfish wretch, incapable either of
+private friendship or public spirit. Take notice how he passes by the
+widow and orphan in their distress, and sees all the miseries incident
+to human life without a sigh or a prayer.” [An’ please your honours,
+cried <i>Trim</i>, I&nbsp;think this a viler man than the other.]</p>
+
+<p>“Shall not conscience rise up and sting him on such
+occasions?&mdash;&mdash;No; thank God there is no occasion,
+<i>I&nbsp;pay every man his own;&mdash;I&nbsp;have no fornication to
+answer to my conscience;&mdash;no faithless vows or promises to make
+up;&mdash;I&nbsp;have debauched no man’s wife or child; thank God,
+I&nbsp;am not as other men, adulterers, unjust, or even as this
+libertine, who stands before me.</i></p>
+
+<p>“A third is crafty and designing in his nature. View his whole
+life;&mdash;’tis nothing but a cunning contexture of dark arts and
+unequitable subterfuges, basely to defeat the true intent of all
+laws,&mdash;&mdash;plain-dealing and the safe enjoyment of our several
+properties.&mdash;&mdash;You will see such a one working out a frame of
+little designs upon the ignorance and perplexities of the poor and needy
+man;&mdash;shall raise a fortune upon the inexperience of a youth, or
+the unsuspecting temper of his friend, who would have trusted him with
+his life.</p>
+
+<p>“When old age comes on, and repentance calls him to look back upon
+this black account, and state it over again with his
+conscience&mdash;<span class = "smallcaps">Conscience</span> looks into
+the <span class = "smallcaps">Statutes at Large</span>;&mdash;finds no
+express law broken by what he has done;&mdash;perceives no penalty or
+forfeiture of goods and chattels incurred;&mdash;sees no scourge waving
+over his head, or prison opening his gates upon him:&mdash;What is there
+to affright his conscience?&mdash;Conscience has got safely entrenched
+behind the Letter of the Law; sits there invulnerable, fortified with
+<span class = "blackletter">Cases</span> and <span class =
+"blackletter">Reports</span> so strongly on all sides;&mdash;that it is
+not preaching can dispossess it of its hold.”</p>
+
+<p>[Here Corporal <i>Trim</i> and my uncle <i>Toby</i> exchanged looks
+with each other.&mdash;Aye, aye, <i>Trim!</i> quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, shaking his head,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;these are but sorry
+fortifications, <i>Trim</i>.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;O! very poor work,
+answered <i>Trim</i>, to what your Honour and I make of
+it.&mdash;&mdash;The character of this last man, said Dr. <i>Slop</i>,
+interrupting <i>Trim</i>, is more detestable than all the rest; and
+seems to have been taken from some pettifogging Lawyer
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page95" id = "page95">95</a></span>
+amongst you:&mdash;Amongst us, a&nbsp;man’s conscience could not
+possibly continue so long <i>blinded</i>,&mdash;&mdash;three times in a
+year, at least, he must go to confession. Will that restore it to sight?
+quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Go on, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my
+father, or <i>Obadiah</i> will have got back before thou hast got to the
+end of thy sermon.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis a very short one, replied
+<i>Trim</i>.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish it was longer, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, for I like it hugely.&mdash;<i>Trim</i> went&nbsp;on.]</p>
+
+<p>“A fourth man shall want even this refuge;&mdash;shall break through
+all their ceremony of slow chicane;&mdash;&mdash;scorns the doubtful
+workings of secret plots and cautious trains to bring about his
+purpose:&mdash;&mdash;See the bare-faced villain, how he cheats, lies,
+perjures, robs, murders!&mdash;Horrid!&mdash;But indeed much better was
+not to be expected, in the present case&mdash;the poor man was in the
+dark!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;his priest had got the keeping of his
+conscience;&mdash;&mdash;and all he would let him know of it, was, That
+he must believe in the Pope;&mdash;go to Mass;&mdash;cross
+himself;&mdash;tell his beads;&mdash;be a good Catholic, and that this,
+in all conscience, was enough to carry him to heaven. What;&mdash;if he
+perjures!&mdash;Why;&mdash;he had a mental reservation in it.&mdash;But
+if he is so wicked and abandoned a wretch as you represent him;&mdash;if
+he robs,&mdash;if he stabs, will not conscience, on every such act,
+receive a wound itself?&mdash;Aye,&mdash;but the man has carried it to
+confession;&mdash;&mdash;the wound digests there, and will do well
+enough, and in a short time be quite healed up by absolution.
+O&nbsp;Popery! what hast thou to answer for?&mdash;&mdash;when, not
+content with the too many natural and fatal ways, thro’ which the heart
+of man is every day thus treacherous to itself above all
+things;&mdash;thou hast wilfully set open the wide gate of deceit before
+the face of this unwary traveller, too apt, God knows, to go astray of
+himself; and confidently speak peace to himself, when there is no
+peace.</p>
+
+<p>“Of this the common instances which I have drawn out of life, are too
+notorious to require much evidence. If any man doubts the reality of
+them, or thinks it impossible for a man to be such a bubble to
+himself,&mdash;I&nbsp;must refer him a moment to his own reflections,
+and will then venture to trust my appeal with his own heart.</p>
+
+<p>“Let him consider in how different a degree of detestation, numbers
+of wicked actions stand <i>there</i>, tho’ equally bad and vicious in
+their own natures;&mdash;he will soon find, that such of them as strong
+inclination and custom have prompted him to commit, are generally
+dressed out and painted with all the false beauties which a soft and a
+flattering hand can give them;&mdash;and that the others, to which he
+feels no propensity,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page96" id = "page96">96</a></span>
+appear, at once, naked and deformed, surrounded with all the true
+circumstances of folly and dishonour.</p>
+
+<p>“When <i>David</i> surprized <i>Saul</i> sleeping in the cave, and
+cut off the skirt of his robe&mdash;we read his heart smote him for what
+he had done:&mdash;&mdash;But in the matter of <i>Uriah</i>, where a
+faithful and gallant servant, whom he ought to have loved and honoured,
+fell to make way for his lust,&mdash;where conscience had so much
+greater reason to take the alarm, his heart smote him not. A&nbsp;whole
+year had almost passed from the first commission of that crime, to the
+time <i>Nathan</i> was sent to reprove him; and we read not once of the
+least sorrow or compunction of heart which he testified, during all that
+time, for what he had done.</p>
+
+<p>“Thus conscience, this once able monitor,&mdash;&mdash;placed on high
+as a judge within us, and intended by our Maker as a just and equitable
+one too,&mdash;by an unhappy train of causes and impediments, takes
+often such imperfect cognizance of what passes,&mdash;&mdash;does its
+office so negligently,&mdash;&mdash;sometimes so corruptly&mdash;that it
+is not to be trusted alone; and therefore we find there is a necessity,
+an absolute necessity, of joining another principle with it, to aid, if
+not govern, its determinations.</p>
+
+<p>“So that if you would form a just judgment of what is of infinite
+importance to you not to be misled in,&mdash;namely, in what degree of
+real merit you stand either as an honest man, an useful citizen,
+a&nbsp;faithful subject to your king, or a good servant to your
+God,&mdash;&mdash;call in religion and morality.&mdash;Look, What is
+written in the law of God?&mdash;&mdash;How readest thou?&mdash;Consult
+calm reason and the unchangeable obligations of justice and
+truth;&mdash;&mdash;what say they?</p>
+
+<p>“Let <span class = "smallcaps">Conscience</span> determine the matter
+upon these reports;&mdash;&mdash;and then if thy heart condemns thee
+not, which is the case the apostle supposes,&mdash;&mdash;the rule will
+be infallible;”&mdash;[Here Dr. <i>Slop</i> fell asleep]&mdash;“<i>thou
+wilt have confidence towards God</i>;&mdash;&mdash;that is, have just
+grounds to believe the judgment thou hast past upon thyself, is the
+judgment of God; and nothing else but an anticipation of that righteous
+sentence which will be pronounced upon thee hereafter by that Being, to
+whom thou art finally to give an account of thy actions.</p>
+
+<p>“<i>Blessed is the man</i>, indeed, then, as the author of the book
+of <i>Ecclesiasticus</i> expresses it, <i>who is not pricked with the
+multitude of his sins: Blessed is the man whose heart hath not condemned
+him; whether he be rich, or whether he be poor, if he have a good
+heart</i> (a&nbsp;heart thus guided and informed) <i>he shall at all
+times rejoice in a chearful countenance; his mind shall tell him more
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page97" id = "page97">97</a></span>
+than seven watch-men that sit above upon a tower on high</i>.”&mdash;[A
+tower has no strength, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, unless ’tis
+flank’d.]&mdash;“In the darkest doubts it shall conduct him safer than a
+thousand casuists, and give the state he lives in, a&nbsp;better
+security for his behaviour than all the causes and restrictions put
+together which law-makers are forced to multiply:&mdash;<i>Forced</i>,
+I&nbsp;say, as things stand; human laws not being a matter of original
+choice, but of pure necessity, brought in to fence against the
+mischievous effects of those consciences which are no law unto
+themselves; well intending, by the many provisions made,&mdash;that in
+all such corrupt and misguided cases, where principles and the checks of
+conscience will not make us upright,&mdash;to supply their force, and,
+by the terrors of gaols and halters, oblige us to&nbsp;it.”</p>
+
+<p>[I see plainly, said my father, that this sermon has been composed to
+be preached at the Temple,&mdash;&mdash;or at some
+Assize.&mdash;I&nbsp;like the reasoning,&mdash;and am sorry that Dr.
+<i>Slop</i> has fallen asleep before the time of his
+conviction:&mdash;for it is now clear, that the Parson, as I thought at
+first, never insulted St. <i>Paul</i> in the least;&mdash;nor has there
+been, brother, the least difference between
+them.&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;great matter, if they had differed, replied my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;the best friends in the world may differ
+sometimes.&mdash;&mdash;True,&mdash;brother <i>Toby</i>, quoth my
+father, shaking hands with him,&mdash;we’ll fill our pipes, brother, and
+then <i>Trim</i> shall go&nbsp;on.</p>
+
+<p>Well,&mdash;&mdash;what dost thou think of it? said my father
+speaking to Corporal <i>Trim</i>, as he reached his tobacco-box.</p>
+
+<p>I think, answered the Corporal, that the seven watch-men upon the
+tower, who, I&nbsp;suppose, are all centinels there,&mdash;are more, an’
+please your Honour, than were necessary;&mdash;and, to go on at that
+rate, would harrass a regiment all to pieces, which a commanding
+officer, who loves his men, will never do, if he can help it, because
+two centinels, added the Corporal, are as good as
+twenty.&mdash;I&nbsp;have been a commanding officer myself in the
+<i>Corps de Garde</i> a hundred times, continued <i>Trim</i>, rising an
+inch higher in his figure, as he spoke,&mdash;and all the time I had the
+honour to serve his Majesty King <i>William</i>, in relieving the most
+considerable posts, I&nbsp;never left more than two in my
+life.&mdash;&mdash;Very right, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;but you do not consider, <i>Trim</i>, that the
+towers, in <i>Solomon’s</i> days, were not such things as our bastions,
+flanked and defended by other works;&mdash;this, <i>Trim</i>, was an
+invention since <i>Solomon’s</i> death; nor had they horn-works, or
+ravelins before the curtin, in his time;&mdash;&mdash;or such a fossĂŠ as
+we make with a cuvette in the middle of it, and with covered ways and
+counterscarps pallisadoed along it, to guard
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page98" id = "page98">98</a></span>
+against a <i>Coup de main</i>:&mdash;So that the seven men upon the
+tower were a party, I&nbsp;dare say, from the <i>Corps de Garde</i>, set
+there, not only to look out, but to defend it.&mdash;They could be no
+more, an’ please your Honour, than a Corporal’s Guard.&mdash;My father
+smiled inwardly, but not outwardly;&mdash;the subject being rather too
+serious, considering what had happened, to make a jest of.&mdash;So
+putting his pipe into his mouth, which he had just lighted,&mdash;he
+contented himself with ordering <i>Trim</i> to read on. He read on as
+follows:]</p>
+
+<p>“To have the fear of God before our eyes, and, in our mutual dealings
+with each other, to govern our actions by the eternal measures of right
+and wrong:&mdash;&mdash;The first of these will comprehend the duties of
+religion;&mdash;the second, those of morality, which are so inseparably
+connected together, that you cannot divide these two <i>tables</i>, even
+in imagination (tho’ the attempt is often made in practice) without
+breaking and mutually destroying them both.</p>
+
+<p>“I said the attempt is often made; and so it is;&mdash;&mdash;there
+being nothing more common than to see a man who has no sense at all of
+religion, and indeed has so much honesty as to pretend to none, who
+would take it as the bitterest affront, should you but hint at a
+suspicion of his moral character,&mdash;&mdash;or imagine he was not
+conscientiously just and scrupulous to the uttermost mite.</p>
+
+<p>“When there is some appearance that it is so,&mdash;tho’ one is
+unwilling even to suspect the appearance of so amiable a virtue as moral
+honesty, yet were we to look into the grounds of it, in the present
+case, I&nbsp;am persuaded we should find little reason to envy such a
+one the honour of his motive.</p>
+
+<p>“Let him declaim as pompously as he chooses upon the subject, it will
+be found to rest upon no better foundation than either his interest, his
+pride, his ease, or some such little and changeable passion as will give
+us but small dependence upon his actions in matters of great
+distress.</p>
+
+<p>“I will illustrate this by an example.</p>
+
+<p>“I know the banker I deal with, or the physician I usually call
+in”&mdash;[There is no need, cried Dr. <i>Slop</i> (waking), to call in
+any physician in this case]&mdash;&mdash;“to be neither of them men of
+much religion: I&nbsp;hear them make a jest of it every day, and treat
+all its sanctions with so much scorn, as to put the matter past doubt.
+Well;&mdash;notwithstanding this, I&nbsp;put my fortune into the hands
+of the one:&mdash;and what is dearer still to me, I&nbsp;trust my life
+to the honest skill of the other.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page99" id = "page99">99</a></span>
+<p>“Now let me examine what is my reason for this great confidence. Why,
+in the first place, I&nbsp;believe there is no probability that either
+of them will employ the power I put into their hands to my
+disadvantage;&mdash;I&nbsp;consider that honesty serves the purposes of
+this life:&mdash;I&nbsp;know their success in the world depends upon the
+fairness of their characters.&mdash;In a word, I’m persuaded that they
+cannot hurt me without hurting themselves more.</p>
+
+<p>“But put it otherwise, namely, that interest lay, for once, on the
+other side; that a case should happen, wherein the one, without stain to
+his reputation, could secrete my fortune, and leave me naked in the
+world;&mdash;or that the other could send me out of it, and enjoy an
+estate by my death, without dishonour to himself or his art:&mdash;In
+this case, what hold have I of either of them?&mdash;Religion, the
+strongest of all motives, is out of the question;&mdash;Interest, the
+next most powerful motive in the world, is strongly against
+me:&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;What have I left to cast into the opposite scale
+to balance this temptation?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Alas! I&nbsp;have
+nothing,&mdash;&mdash;nothing but what is lighter than a
+bubble&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;must lie at the mercy of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Honour</span>, or some such capricious
+principle&mdash;Strait security for two of the most valuable
+blessings!&mdash;my property and myself.</p>
+
+<p>“As, therefore, we can have no dependence upon morality without
+religion;&mdash;so, on the other hand, there is nothing better to be
+expected from religion without morality; nevertheless, ’tis no prodigy
+to see a man whose real moral character stands very low, who yet
+entertains the highest notion of himself in the light of a religious
+man.</p>
+
+<p>“He shall not only be covetous, revengeful, implacable,&mdash;but
+even wanting in points of common honesty; yet inasmuch as he talks aloud
+against the infidelity of the age,&mdash;&mdash;is zealous for some
+points of religion,&mdash;&mdash;goes twice a day to
+church,&mdash;attends the sacraments,&mdash;and amuses himself with a
+few instrumental parts of religion,&mdash;shall cheat his conscience
+into a judgment, that, for this, he is a religious man, and has
+discharged truly his duty to God: And you will find such a man, through
+force of this delusion, generally looks down with spiritual pride upon
+every other man who has less affectation of piety,&mdash;though,
+perhaps, ten times more real honesty than himself.</p>
+
+<p>“<i>This likewise is a sore evil under the sun</i>; and I believe,
+there is no one mistaken principle, which, for its time, has wrought
+more serious mischiefs.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;For a general proof of
+this,&mdash;examine the history of the <i>Romish</i>
+church;”&mdash;[Well, what can you make of that? cried Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>]&mdash;“see what scenes
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page100" id = "page100">100</a></span>
+of cruelty, murder, rapine, bloodshed,”&mdash;&mdash;[They may thank
+their own obstinacy, cried Dr. <i>Slop</i>]&mdash;&mdash;“have all been
+sanctified by a religion not strictly governed by morality.</p>
+
+<p>“In how many kingdoms of the world”&mdash;[Here <i>Trim</i> kept
+waving his right hand from the sermon to the extent of his arm,
+returning it backwards and forwards to the conclusion of the
+paragraph.]</p>
+
+<p>“In how many kingdoms of the world has the crusading sword of this
+misguided saint-errant, spared neither age nor merit, or sex, or
+condition?&mdash;and, as he fought under the banners of a religion which
+set him loose from justice and humanity, he shewed none; mercilessly
+trampled upon both,&mdash;heard neither the cries of the unfortunate,
+nor pitied their distresses.”</p>
+
+<p>[I have been in many a battle, an’ please your Honour, quoth
+<i>Trim</i>, sighing, but never in so melancholy a one as
+this,&mdash;I&nbsp;would not have drawn a tricker in it against these
+poor souls,&mdash;&mdash;to have been made a general
+officer.&mdash;&mdash;Why? what do you understand of the affair? said
+Dr. <i>Slop</i>, looking towards <i>Trim</i>, with something more of
+contempt than the Corporal’s honest heart deserved.&mdash;&mdash;What do
+you know, friend, about this battle you talk of?&mdash;I&nbsp;know,
+replied <i>Trim</i>, that I never refused quarter in my life to any man
+who cried out for it;&mdash;&mdash;but to a woman or a child, continued
+<i>Trim</i>, before I would level my musket at them, I&nbsp;would lose
+my life a thousand times.&mdash;&mdash;Here’s a crown for thee,
+<i>Trim</i>, to drink with <i>Obadiah</i> to-night, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, and I’ll give <i>Obadiah</i> another too.&mdash;God bless
+your Honour, replied <i>Trim</i>,&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;had rather these
+poor women and children had it.&mdash;&mdash;Thou art an honest fellow,
+quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;My father nodded his head, as
+much as to say,&mdash;and so he <span class =
+"locked">is.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>But prithee, <i>Trim</i>, said my father, make an end,&mdash;for I
+see thou hast but a leaf or two left.</p>
+
+<p>Corporal <i>Trim</i> read on.]</p>
+
+<p>“If the testimony of past centuries in this matter is not
+sufficient,&mdash;consider at this instant, how the votaries of that
+religion are every day thinking to do service and honour to God, by
+actions which are a dishonour and scandal to themselves.</p>
+
+<p>“To be convinced of this, go with me for a moment into the prisons of
+the Inquisition.”&mdash;[God help my poor brother
+<i>Tom</i>.]&mdash;“Behold <i>Religion</i>, with <i>Mercy</i> and
+<i>Justice</i> chained down under her feet,&mdash;&mdash;there sitting
+ghastly upon a black tribunal, propped
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page101" id = "page101">101</a></span>
+up with racks and instruments of torment. Hark!&mdash;hark! what a
+piteous groan!”&mdash;[Here <i>Trim’s</i> face turned as pale as
+ashes.]&mdash;&mdash;“See the melancholy wretch who uttered
+it”&mdash;[Here the tears began to trickle down.]&mdash;&mdash;“just
+brought forth to undergo the anguish of a mock trial, and endure the
+utmost pains that a studied system of cruelty has been able to
+invent.”&mdash;[D&mdash;n them all, quoth <i>Trim</i>, his colour
+returning into his face as red as blood.]&mdash;“Behold this helpless
+victim delivered up to his tormentors,&mdash;his body so wasted with
+sorrow and confinement.”&mdash;&mdash;[Oh! ’tis my brother, cried poor
+<i>Trim</i> in a most passionate exclamation, dropping the sermon upon
+the ground, and clapping his hands together&mdash;I&nbsp;fear ’tis poor
+<i>Tom</i>. My father’s and my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> heart yearned with
+sympathy for the poor fellow’s distress; even <i>Slop</i> himself
+acknowledged pity for him.&mdash;&mdash;Why, <i>Trim</i>, said my
+father, this is not a history,&mdash;&mdash;’tis a sermon thou art
+reading; prithee begin the sentence again.]&mdash;&mdash;“Behold this
+helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,&mdash;his body so wasted
+with sorrow and confinement, you will see every nerve and muscle as it
+suffers.</p>
+
+<p>“Observe the last movement of that horrid engine!”&mdash;[I would
+rather face a cannon, quoth <i>Trim</i>, stamping.]&mdash;“See what
+convulsions it has thrown him into!&mdash;&mdash;Consider the nature of
+the posture in which he now lies stretched,&mdash;what exquisite
+tortures he endures by it!”&mdash;[I hope ’tis not in
+<i>Portugal</i>.]&mdash;“’Tis all nature can bear! Good God! see how it
+keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips!” [I&nbsp;would not
+read another line of it, quoth <i>Trim</i>, for all this
+<i>world</i>;&mdash;I&nbsp;fear, an’ please your Honours, all this is in
+<i>Portugal</i>, where my poor brother <i>Tom</i> is. I&nbsp;tell thee,
+<i>Trim</i>, again, quoth my father, ’tis not an historical
+account,&mdash;’tis a description.&mdash;’Tis only a description, honest
+man, quoth <i>Slop</i>, there’s not a word of truth in
+it.&mdash;&mdash;That’s another story, replied my father.&mdash;However,
+as <i>Trim</i> reads it with so much concern,&mdash;’tis cruelty to
+force him to go on with it.&mdash;Give me hold of the sermon,
+<i>Trim</i>,&mdash;I’ll finish it for thee, and thou may’st go.
+I&nbsp;must stay and hear it, too, replied <i>Trim</i>, if your Honour
+will allow me;&mdash;tho’ I&nbsp;would not read it myself for a
+Colonel’s pay.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Poor <i>Trim!</i> quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>. My father went <span class =
+"locked">on.]&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“&mdash;&mdash;Consider the nature of the posture in which he now
+lies stretched,&mdash;what exquisite torture he endures by
+it!&mdash;’Tis all nature can bear! Good God! See how it keeps his weary
+soul hanging upon his trembling lips,&mdash;willing to take its
+leave,&mdash;&mdash;but not suffered to depart!&mdash;Behold the unhappy
+wretch
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page102" id = "page102">102</a></span>
+led back to his cell!”&mdash;&mdash;[Then, thank God, however, quoth
+<i>Trim</i>, they have not killed him.]&mdash;“See him dragged out of it
+again to meet the flames, and the insults in his last agonies, which
+this principle,&mdash;this principle, that there can be religion without
+mercy, has prepared for him.”&mdash;&mdash;[Then, thank
+God,&mdash;&mdash;he is dead, quoth <i>Trim</i>,&mdash;he is out of his
+pain,&mdash;and they have done their worst at him.&mdash;O
+Sirs!&mdash;Hold your peace, <i>Trim</i>, said my father, going on with
+the sermon, lest <i>Trim</i> should incense Dr. <i>Slop</i>,&mdash;we
+shall never have done at this rate.]</p>
+
+<p>“The surest way to try the merit of any disputed notion is, to trace
+down the consequences such a notion has produced, and compare them with
+the spirit of Christianity;&mdash;&mdash;’tis the short and decisive
+rule which our Saviour hath left us, for these and such like cases, and
+it is worth a thousand arguments&mdash;&mdash;<i>By their fruits ye
+shall know them.</i></p>
+
+<p>“I will add no farther to the length of this sermon, than by two or
+three short and independent rules deducible from&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>“<i>First</i>, Whenever a man talks loudly against religion, always
+suspect that it is not his reason, but his passions, which have got the
+better of his <span class = "smallcaps">Creed</span>. A&nbsp;bad life
+and a good belief are disagreeable and troublesome neighbours, and where
+they separate, depend upon it, ’tis for no other cause but quietness’
+sake.</p>
+
+<p>“<i>Secondly</i>, When a man, thus represented, tells you in any
+particular instance,&mdash;&mdash;That such a thing goes against his
+conscience,&mdash;&mdash;always believe he means exactly the same thing,
+as when he tells you such a thing goes <i>against</i> his
+stomach;&mdash;a&nbsp;present want of appetite being generally the true
+cause of both.</p>
+
+<p>“In a word,&mdash;trust that man in nothing, who has not a <span
+class = "smallcaps">Conscience</span> in everything.</p>
+
+<p>“And, in your own case, remember this plain distinction, a mistake in
+which has ruined thousands,&mdash;that your conscience is not a
+law:&mdash;No, God and reason made the law, and have placed conscience
+within you to determine;&mdash;&mdash;not, like an <i>Asiatic</i> Cadi,
+according to the ebbs and flows of his own passions,&mdash;but like a
+<i>British</i> judge in this land of liberty and good sense, who makes
+no new law, but faithfully declares that law which he knows already
+written.”</p>
+
+<h5 class = "final ital">FINIS</h5>
+
+
+<p>Thou hast read the sermon extremely well, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my
+father.&mdash;If he had spared his comments, replied Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>,&mdash;&mdash;he
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page103" id = "page103">103</a></span>
+would have read it much better. I&nbsp;should have read it ten times
+better, Sir, answered <i>Trim</i>, but that my heart was so
+full.&mdash;That was the very reason, <i>Trim</i>, replied my father,
+which has made thee read the sermon as well as thou hast done; and if
+the clergy of our church, continued my father, addressing himself to Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>, would take part in what they deliver as deeply as this poor
+fellow has done,&mdash;as their compositions are fine;&mdash;[I deny it,
+quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>]&mdash;I&nbsp;maintain it,&mdash;that the
+eloquence of our pulpits, with such subjects to enflame it, would be a
+model for the whole world:&mdash;&mdash;But alas! continued my father,
+and I own it, Sir, with sorrow, that, like <i>French</i> politicians in
+this respect, what they gain in the cabinet they lose in the
+field.&mdash;&mdash;’Twere a pity, quoth my uncle, that this should be
+lost. I&nbsp;like the sermon well, replied my father,&mdash;&mdash;’tis
+dramatick,&mdash;and there is something in that way of writing, when
+skilfully managed, which catches the attention.&mdash;&mdash;We preach
+much in that way with us, said Dr. <i>Slop</i>.&mdash;I&nbsp;know that
+very well, said my father,&mdash;&mdash;but in a tone and manner which
+disgusted Dr. <i>Slop</i>, full as much as his assent, simply, could
+have pleased him.&mdash;&mdash;But in this, added Dr. <i>Slop</i>,
+a&nbsp;little piqued,&mdash;our sermons have greatly the advantage, that
+we never introduce any character into them below a patriarch or a
+patriarch’s wife, or a martyr or a saint.&mdash;There are some very bad
+characters in this, however, said my father, and I do not think the
+sermon a jot the worse for ’em.&mdash;&mdash;But pray, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;who’s can this be?&mdash;How could it get into my
+<i>Stevinus?</i> A&nbsp;man must be as great a conjurer as
+<i>Stevinus</i>, said my father, to resolve the second
+question:&mdash;The first, I&nbsp;think, is not so difficult;&mdash;for
+unless my judgment greatly deceives me,&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;know the
+author, for ’tis wrote, certainly, by the parson of the parish.</p>
+
+<p>The similitude of the stile and manner of it, with those my father
+constantly had heard preached in his parish-church, was the ground of
+his conjecture,&mdash;proving it as strongly, as an argument <i>Ă 
+priori</i> could prove such a thing to a philosophic mind, That it was
+<i>Yorick’s</i> and no one’s else:&mdash;It was proved to be so,
+<i>Ă &nbsp;posteriori</i>, the day after, when <i>Yorick</i> sent a
+servant to my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> house to enquire after&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>It seems that <i>Yorick</i>, who was inquisitive after all kinds of
+knowledge, had borrowed <i>Stevinus</i> of my uncle <i>Toby</i>, and had
+carelessly popped his sermon, as soon as he had made it, into the middle
+of <i>Stevinus</i>; and by an act of forgetfulness, to which he was ever
+subject, he had sent <i>Stevinus</i> home, and his sermon to keep him
+company.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page104" id = "page104">104</a></span>
+<p>Ill-fated sermon! Thou wast lost, after this recovery of thee,
+a&nbsp;second time, dropped thro’ an unsuspected fissure in thy master’s
+pocket, down into a treacherous and a tattered lining,&mdash;trod deep
+into the dirt by the left hind-foot of his Rosinante inhumanly stepping
+upon thee as thou falledst;&mdash;buried ten days in the
+mire,&mdash;&mdash;raised up out of it by a beggar,&mdash;sold for a
+halfpenny to a parish-clerk,&mdash;&mdash;transferred to his
+parson,&mdash;&mdash;lost for ever to thy own, the remainder of his
+days,&mdash;&mdash;nor restored to his restless <span class =
+"smallcaps">Manes</span> till this very moment, that I tell the world
+the story.</p>
+
+<p>Can the reader believe, that this sermon of <i>Yorick’s</i> was
+preached at an assize, in the cathedral of <i>York</i>, before a
+thousand witnesses, ready to give oath of it, by a certain prebendary of
+that church, and actually printed by him when he had
+done,&mdash;&mdash;and within so short a space as two years and three
+months after <i>Yorick’s</i> death?&mdash;<i>Yorick</i> indeed, was
+never better served in his life;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but it was a little
+hard to maltreat him after, and plunder him after he was laid in his
+grave.</p>
+
+<p>However, as the gentleman who did it was in perfect charity with
+<i>Yorick</i>,&mdash;and, in conscious justice, printed but a few copies
+to give away;&mdash;and that I am told he could moreover have made as
+good a one himself, had he thought fit,&mdash;I&nbsp;declare I would not
+have published this anecdote to the world;&mdash;&mdash;nor do I publish
+it with an intent to hurt his character and advancement in the
+church;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;leave that to others;&mdash;but I find
+myself impelled by two reasons, which I cannot withstand.</p>
+
+<p>The first is, That in doing justice, I may give rest to
+<i>Yorick’s</i> ghost;&mdash;&mdash;which&mdash;as the country-people,
+and some others, believe,&mdash;&mdash;<i>still walks</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The second reason is, That, by laying open this story to the world,
+I&nbsp;gain an opportunity of informing it,&mdash;That in case the
+character of parson <i>Yorick</i>, and this sample of his sermons, is
+liked,&mdash;&mdash;there are now in the possession of the <i>Shandy</i>
+family, as many as will make a handsome volume, at the world’s
+service,&mdash;&mdash;and much good may they do&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapXVIII" id = "bookII_chapXVIII">
+CHAPTER XVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Obadiah</span> gained the two crowns
+without dispute; for he came in jingling, with all the instruments in
+the green bays bag we spoke of, slung across his body, just as Corporal
+<i>Trim</i> went out of the room.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page105" id = "page105">105</a></span>
+<p>It is now proper, I think, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i> (clearing up his
+looks), as we are in a condition to be of some service to Mrs.
+<i>Shandy</i>, to send upstairs to know how she goes&nbsp;on.</p>
+
+<p>I have ordered, answered my father, the old midwife to come down to
+us upon the least difficulty;&mdash;for you must know, Dr. <i>Slop</i>,
+continued my father, with a perplexed kind of a smile upon his
+countenance, that by express treaty, solemnly ratified between me and my
+wife, you are no more than an auxiliary in this affair,&mdash;and not so
+much as that,&mdash;unless the lean old mother of a midwife above stairs
+cannot do without you.&mdash;Women have their particular fancies, and in
+points of this nature, continued my father, where they bear the whole
+burden, and suffer so much acute pain for the advantage of our families,
+and the good of the species,&mdash;they claim a right of deciding, <i>en
+Souveraines</i>, in whose hands, and in what fashion, they choose to
+undergo&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>They are in the right of it,&mdash;&mdash;quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>.
+But, Sir, replied Dr. <i>Slop</i>, not taking notice of my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> opinion, but turning to my father,&mdash;they had better
+govern in other points;&mdash;&mdash;and a father of a family, who
+wishes its perpetuity, in my opinion, had better exchange this
+prerogative with them, and give up some other rights in lieu of
+it.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;know not, quoth my father, answering a little
+too testily, to be quite dispassionate in what he
+said,&mdash;I&nbsp;know not, quoth he, what we have left to give up, in
+lieu of who shall bring our children into the world, unless
+that,&mdash;of who shall beget them.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;One would
+almost give up anything, replied Dr. <i>Slop</i>.&mdash;I&nbsp;beg your
+pardon,&mdash;&mdash;answered my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;Sir, replied
+Dr. <i>Slop</i>, it would astonish you to know what improvements we have
+made of late years in all branches of obstetrical knowledge, but
+particularly in that one single point of the safe and expeditious
+extraction of the <i>fœtus</i>,&mdash;&mdash;which has received such
+lights, that, for my part (holding up his hands) I&nbsp;declare I wonder
+how the world has&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+you had seen what prodigious armies we had in <i>Flanders</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookII_chapXIX" id = "bookII_chapXIX">
+CHAPTER XIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I have</span> dropped the curtain over this
+scene for a minute,&mdash;&mdash;to remind you of one
+thing,&mdash;&mdash;and to inform you of another.</p>
+
+<p>What I have to inform you, comes, I own, a little out of its due
+course;&mdash;&mdash;for it should have been told a hundred and fifty
+pages ago, but that I foresaw then ’twould come in pat hereafter,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page106" id = "page106">106</a></span>
+and be of more advantage here than elsewhere.&mdash;Writers had need
+look before them, to keep up the spirit and connection of what they have
+in hand.</p>
+
+<p>When these two things are done,&mdash;the curtain shall be drawn up
+again, and my uncle <i>Toby</i>, my father, and Dr. <i>Slop</i>, shall
+go on with their discourse, without any more interruption.</p>
+
+<p>First, then, the matter which I have to remind you of, is
+this;&mdash;&mdash;that from the specimens of singularity in my father’s
+notions in the point of christian-names, and that other previous point
+thereto,&mdash;you was led, I&nbsp;think, into an opinion (and I am sure
+I said as much), that my father was a gentleman altogether as odd and
+whimsical in fifty other opinions. In truth, there was not a stage in
+the life of man, from the very first act of his
+begetting,&mdash;&mdash;down to the lean and slippered pantaloon in his
+second childishness, but he had some favourite notion to himself,
+springing out of it, as sceptical, and as far out of the highway of
+thinking, as these two which have been explained.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Mr. <i>Shandy</i>, my father, Sir, would see nothing in the
+light in which others placed it;&mdash;he placed things in his own
+light;&mdash;he would weigh nothing in common scales;&mdash;no, he was
+too refined a researcher to lie open to so gross an imposition.&mdash;To
+come at the exact weight of things in the scientific steel-yard, the
+fulcrum, he would say, should be almost invisible, to avoid all friction
+from popular tenets;&mdash;without this the minutiĂŚ of philosophy, which
+would always turn the balance, will have no weight at all. Knowledge,
+like matter, he would affirm, was divisible <i>in
+infinitum</i>;&mdash;&mdash;that the grains and scruples were as much a
+part of it, as the gravitation of the whole world.&mdash;In a word, he
+would say, error was error,&mdash;no matter where it
+fell,&mdash;&mdash;whether in a fraction,&mdash;or a pound,&mdash;’twas
+alike fatal to truth, and she was kept down at the bottom of her well,
+as inevitably by a mistake in the dust of a butterfly’s
+wings,&mdash;&mdash;as in the disk of the sun, the moon, and all the
+stars of heaven put together.</p>
+
+<p>He would often lament that it was for want of considering this
+properly, and of applying it skilfully to civil matters, as well as to
+speculative truths, that so many things in this world were out of
+joint;&mdash;&mdash;that the political arch was giving
+way;&mdash;&mdash;and that the very foundations of our excellent
+constitution, in church and state, were so sapped as estimators had
+reported.</p>
+
+<p>You cry out, he would say, we are a ruined, undone people. Why? he
+would ask, making use of the sorites or syllogism of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page107" id = "page107">107</a></span>
+<i>Zeno</i> and <i>Chrysippus</i>, without knowing it belonged to
+them.&mdash;Why? why are we a ruined people?&mdash;Because we are
+corrupted.&mdash;Whence is it, dear Sir, that we are
+corrupted?&mdash;&mdash;Because we are needy;&mdash;&mdash;our poverty,
+and not our wills, consent.&mdash;&mdash;And wherefore, he would add,
+are we needy?&mdash;From the neglect, he would answer, of our pence and
+our halfpence:&mdash;Our bank notes, Sir, our guineas,&mdash;nay, our
+shillings take care of themselves.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis the same, he would say, throughout the whole circle of the
+sciences;&mdash;the great, the established points of them, are not to be
+broke in upon.&mdash;The laws of nature will defend
+themselves;&mdash;but error&mdash;&mdash;(he&nbsp;would add, looking
+earnestly at my mother)&mdash;&mdash;error, Sir, creeps in thro’ the
+minute holes and small crevices which human nature leaves unguarded.</p>
+
+<p>This turn of thinking in my father, is what I had to remind you
+of:&mdash;The point you are to be informed of, and which I have reserved
+for this place, is as follows.</p>
+
+<p>Amongst the many and excellent reasons, with which my father had
+urged my mother to accept of Dr. <i>Slop’s</i> assistance preferably to
+that of the old woman,&mdash;&mdash;there was one of a very singular
+nature; which, when he had done arguing the manner with her as a
+Christian, and came to argue it over again with her as a philosopher, he
+had put his whole strength to, depending indeed upon it as his
+sheet-anchor.&mdash;&mdash;It failed him; tho’ from no defect in the
+argument itself; but that, do what he could, he was not able for his
+soul to make her comprehend the drift of it.&mdash;&mdash;Cursed
+luck!&mdash;&mdash;said he to himself, one afternoon, as he walked out
+of the room, after he had been stating it for an hour and a half to her,
+to no manner of purpose;&mdash;cursed luck! said he, biting his lip as
+he shut the door,&mdash;&mdash;for a man to be master of one of the
+finest chains of reasoning in nature,&mdash;and have a wife at the same
+time with such a headpiece, that he cannot hang up a single inference
+within side of it, to save his soul from destruction.</p>
+
+<p>This argument, though it was entirely lost upon my
+mother,&mdash;&mdash;had more weight with him, than all his other
+arguments joined together:&mdash;I&nbsp;will therefore endeavour to do
+it justice,&mdash;and set it forth with all the perspicuity I am
+master&nbsp;of.</p>
+
+<p>My father set out upon the strength of these two following
+axioms:</p>
+
+<p><i>First</i>, That an ounce of a man’s own wit, was worth a ton of
+other people’s; and,</p>
+
+<p><i>Secondly</i> (Which by the bye, was the ground-work of the first
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page108" id = "page108">108</a></span>
+axiom,&mdash;&mdash;tho’ it comes last), That every man’s wit must come
+from every man’s own soul,&mdash;&mdash;and no other body’s.</p>
+
+<p>Now, as it was plain to my father, that all souls were by nature
+equal,&mdash;&mdash;and that the great difference between the most acute
+and the most obtuse understanding&mdash;&mdash;was from no original
+sharpness or bluntness of one thinking substance above or below
+another,&mdash;&mdash;but arose merely from the lucky or unlucky
+organisation of the body, in that part where the soul principally took
+up her residence,&mdash;&mdash;he had made it the subject of his enquiry
+to find out the identical place.</p>
+
+<p>Now, from the best accounts he had been able to get of this matter,
+he was satisfied it could not be where <i>Des Cartes</i> had fixed it,
+upon the top of the <i>pineal</i> gland of the brain; which, as he
+philosophized, formed a cushion for her about the size of a marrow pea;
+tho’, to speak the truth, as so many nerves did terminate all in that
+one place,&mdash;’twas no bad conjecture;&mdash;&mdash;and my father had
+certainly fallen with that great philosopher plumb into the centre of
+the mistake, had it not been for my uncle <i>Toby</i>, who rescued him
+out of it, by a story he told him of a <i>Walloon</i> officer at the
+battle of <i>Landen</i>, who had one part of his brain shot away by a
+musket-ball,&mdash;and another part of it taken out after by a
+<i>French</i> surgeon; and after all, recovered, and did his duty very
+well without&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>If death, said my father, reasoning with himself, is nothing but the
+separation of the soul from the body; and if it is true that people can
+walk about and do their business without brains,&mdash;then certes the
+soul does not inhabit there. Q.&nbsp;E.&nbsp;D.</p>
+
+<p>As for that certain, very thin, subtle and very fragrant juice which
+<i>Coglionissimo Borri</i>, the great <i>Milanese</i> physician affirms,
+in a letter to <i>Bartholine</i>, to have discovered in the cellulĂŚ of
+the occipital parts of the cerebellum, and which he likewise affirms to
+be the principal seat of the reasonable soul (for, you must know, in
+these latter and more enlightened ages, there are two souls in every man
+living,&mdash;the one, according to the great <i>Metheglingius</i>,
+being called the <i>Animus</i>, the other, the <i>Anima</i>;)&mdash;as
+for the opinion, I&nbsp;say, of <i>Borri</i>,&mdash;my father could
+never subscribe to it by any means; the very idea of so noble, so
+refined, so immaterial, and so exalted a being as the <i>Anima</i>, or
+even the <i>Animus</i>, taking up her residence, and sitting dabbling,
+like a tadpole all day long, both summer and winter, in a
+puddle,&mdash;&mdash;or in a liquid of any kind, how thick or thin
+soever, he would say, shocked his imagination; he would scarce give the
+doctrine a hearing.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page109" id = "page109">109</a></span>
+<p>What, therefore, seemed the least liable to objections of any, was
+that the chief sensorium, or head-quarters of the soul, and to which
+place all intelligences were referred, and from whence all her mandates
+were issued,&mdash;was in, or near, the cerebellum,&mdash;or rather
+somewhere about the <i>medulla oblongata</i>, wherein it was generally
+agreed by <i>Dutch</i> anatomists, that all the minute nerves from all
+the organs of the seven senses concentered, like streets and winding
+alleys, into a square.</p>
+
+<p>So far there was nothing singular in my father’s opinion,&mdash;he
+had the best of philosophers, of all ages and climates, to go along with
+him.&mdash;&mdash;But here he took a road of his own, setting up another
+<i>Shandean</i> hypothesis upon these corner-stones they had laid for
+him;&mdash;&mdash;and which said hypothesis equally stood its ground;
+whether the subtilty and fineness of the soul depended upon the
+temperature and clearness of the said liquor, or of the finer network
+and texture in the cerebellum itself; which opinion he favoured.</p>
+
+<p>He maintained, that next to the due care to be taken in the act of
+propagation of each individual, which required all the thought in the
+world, as it laid the foundation of this incomprehensible contexture, in
+which wit, memory, fancy, eloquence, and what is usually meant by the
+name of good natural parts, do consist;&mdash;that next to this and his
+christian-name, which were the two original and most efficacious causes
+of all;&mdash;&mdash;that the third cause, or rather what logicians call
+the <i>Causa sine quâ non</i>, and without which all that was done was
+of no manner of significance,&mdash;&mdash;was the preservation of this
+delicate and fine-spun web, from the havock which was generally made in
+it by the violent compression and crush which the head was made to
+undergo, by the nonsensical method of bringing us into the world by that
+foremost.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;This requires explanation.</p>
+
+<p>My father, who dipped into all kinds of books, upon looking into
+<i>LithopĂŚdus Senonesis de Partu difficili</i>,<a class = "tag" name =
+"tag_2_1" id = "tag_2_1" href = "#note_2_1">1</a> published by
+<i>Adrianus Smelvgot</i>, had found out, that the lax and pliable state
+of a child’s head in parturition, the bones of the cranium having no
+sutures at that time, was such,&mdash;&mdash;that by force of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page110" id = "page110">110</a></span>
+the woman’s efforts, which, in strong labour-pains, was equal, upon an
+average, to the weight of 470 pounds <ins class = "correction" title =
+"text unchanged: expected form ‘avoirdupois’">averdupois</ins> acting
+perpendicularly upon it;&mdash;it so happened, that in 49 instances out
+of 50, the said head was compressed and moulded into the shape of an
+oblong conical piece of dough, such as a pastry-cook generally rolls up
+in order to make a pye of.&mdash;Good God! cried my father, what havock
+and destruction must this make in the infinitely fine and tender texture
+of the cerebellum!&mdash;Or if there is such a juice as <i>Borri</i>
+pretends,&mdash;is it not enough to make the clearest liquid in the
+world both feculent and mothery?</p>
+
+<p>But how great was his apprehension, when he farther understood, that
+this force acting upon the very vertex of the head, not only injured the
+brain itself, or cerebrum,&mdash;but that it necessarily squeezed and
+propelled the cerebrum towards the cerebellum, which was the immediate
+seat of the understanding!&mdash;&mdash;Angels and ministers of grace
+defend us! cried my father,&mdash;&mdash;can any soul withstand this
+shock?&mdash;No wonder the intellectual web is so rent and tattered as
+we see it; and that so many of our best heads are no better than a
+puzzled skein of silk,&mdash;&mdash;all perplexity,&mdash;&mdash;all
+confusion within-side.</p>
+
+<p>But when my father read on, and was let into the secret, that when a
+child was turned topsy-turvy, which was easy for an operator to do, and
+was extracted by the feet;&mdash;that instead of the cerebrum being
+propelled towards the cerebellum, the cerebellum, on the contrary, was
+propelled simply towards the cerebrum, where it could do no manner of
+hurt:&mdash;&mdash;By heavens! cried he, the world is in conspiracy to
+drive out what little wit God has given us,&mdash;&mdash;and the
+professors of the obstetric art are lifted into the same
+conspiracy.&mdash;What is it to me which end of my son comes foremost
+into the world, provided all goes right after, and his cerebellum
+escapes uncrushed?</p>
+
+<p>It is the nature of an hypothesis, when once a man has conceived it,
+that it assimilates every thing to itself, as proper nourishment; and,
+from the first moment of your begetting it, it generally grows the
+stronger by every thing you see, hear, read, or understand. This is of
+great use.</p>
+
+<p>When my father was gone with this about a month, there was scarce a
+phĂŚnomenon of stupidity or of genius, which he could not readily solve
+by it;&mdash;it accounted for the eldest son being the greatest
+blockhead in the family.&mdash;&mdash;Poor devil, he would say,&mdash;he
+made way for the capacity of his younger brothers.&mdash;&mdash;It
+unriddled the observations of drivellers and monstrous
+heads,&mdash;&mdash;shewing <i>Ă &nbsp;priori</i>, it could not be
+otherwise,&mdash;&mdash;unless
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page111" id = "page111">111</a></span>
+**** I don’t know what. It wonderfully explained and accounted for the
+acumen of the <i>Asiatic</i> genius, and that sprightlier turn, and a
+more penetrating intuition of minds, in warmer climates; not from the
+loose and common-place solution of a clearer sky, and a more perpetual
+sunshine, &amp;c.&mdash;which for aught he knew, might as well rarefy
+and dilute the faculties of the soul into nothing, by one
+extreme,&mdash;as they are condensed in colder climates by the
+other;&mdash;&mdash;but he traced the affair up to its
+spring-head;&mdash;shewed that, in warmer climates, nature had laid a
+lighter tax upon the fairest parts of the creation;&mdash;their
+pleasures more;&mdash;the necessity of their pains less, insomuch that
+the pressure and resistance upon the vertex was so slight, that the
+whole organisation of the cerebellum was preserved;&mdash;&mdash;nay, he
+did not believe, in natural births, that so much as a single thread of
+the net-work was broke or displaced,&mdash;&mdash;so that the soul might
+just act as she liked.</p>
+
+<p>When my father had got so far,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;what a blaze of
+light did the accounts of the <i>CĂŚsarian</i> section, and of the
+towering geniuses who had come safe into the world by it, cast upon this
+hypothesis? Here you see, he would say, there was no injury done to the
+sensorium;&mdash;no pressure of the head against the
+pelvis;&mdash;&mdash;no propulsion of the cerebrum towards the
+cerebellum, either by the <i>os pubis</i> on this side, or the <i>os
+coxygis</i> on that;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and pray, what were the happy
+consequences? Why, Sir, your <i>Julius CĂŚsar</i>, who gave the operation
+a name;&mdash;and your <i>Hermes Trismegistus</i>, who was born so
+before ever the operation had a name;&mdash;&mdash;your <i>Scipio
+Africanus</i>; your <i>Manlius Torquatus</i>; our <i>Edward</i> the
+Sixth,&mdash;who, had he lived, would have done the same honour to the
+hypothesis:&mdash;&mdash;These, and many more who figured high in the
+annals of fame,&mdash;all came <i>side-way</i>, Sir, into the world.</p>
+
+<p>The incision of the <i>abdomen</i> and <i>uterus</i> ran for six
+weeks together in my father’s head;&mdash;&mdash;he had read, and was
+satisfied, that wounds in the <i>epigastrium</i>, and those in the
+<i>matrix</i>, were not mortal;&mdash;so that the belly of the mother
+might be opened extremely well to give a passage to the child.&mdash;He
+mentioned the thing one afternoon to my
+mother,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;merely as a matter of fact; but seeing her
+turn as pale as ashes at the very mention of it, as much as the
+operation flattered his hopes,&mdash;he thought it as well to say no
+more of it,&mdash;&mdash;contenting himself with admiring,&mdash;what he
+thought was to no purpose to propose.</p>
+
+<p>This was my father Mr. <i>Shandy’s</i> hypothesis; concerning which I
+have only to add, that my brother <i>Bobby</i> did as great
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page112" id = "page112">112</a></span>
+honour to it (whatever he did to the family) as any one of the great
+heroes we spoke of: For happening not only to be christened, as I told
+you, but to be born too, when my father was at
+<i>Epsom</i>,&mdash;&mdash;being moreover my mother’s <i>first</i>
+child,&mdash;coming into the world with his head
+<i>foremost</i>,&mdash;and turning out afterwards a lad of wonderful
+slow parts,&mdash;&mdash;my father spelt all these together into his
+opinion: and as he had failed at one end,&mdash;he was determined to try
+the other.</p>
+
+<p>This was not to be expected from one of the sisterhood, who are not
+easily to be put out of their way,&mdash;&mdash;and was therefore one of
+my father’s great reasons in favour of a man of science, whom he could
+better deal with.</p>
+
+<p>Of all men in the world, Dr. <i>Slop</i> was the fittest for my
+father’s purpose;&mdash;&mdash;for though this new-invented forceps was
+the armour he had proved, and what he maintained to be the safest
+instrument of deliverance, yet, it seems, he had scattered a word or two
+in his book, in favour of the very thing which ran in my father’s
+fancy;&mdash;&mdash;tho’ not with a view to the soul’s good in
+extracting by the feet, as was my father’s system,&mdash;but for reasons
+merely obstetrical.</p>
+
+<p>This will account for the coalition betwixt my father and Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>, in the ensuing discourse, which went a little hard against
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;In what manner a plain man, with
+nothing but common sense, could bear up against two such allies in
+science,&mdash;is hard to conceive.&mdash;You may conjecture upon it, if
+you please,&mdash;&mdash;and whilst your imagination is in motion, you
+may encourage it to go on, and discover by what causes and effects in
+nature it could come to pass, that my uncle <i>Toby</i> got his modesty
+by the wound he received upon his groin.&mdash;You may raise a system to
+account for the loss of my nose by marriage-articles,&mdash;and shew the
+world how it could happen, that I should have the misfortune to be
+called <span class = "smallcaps">Tristam</span>, in opposition to my
+father’s hypothesis, and the wish of the whole family, Godfathers and
+Godmothers not excepted.&mdash;These, with fifty other points left yet
+unravelled, you may endeavour to solve if you have
+time;&mdash;&mdash;but I tell you beforehand it will be in vain, for not
+the sage <i>Alquife</i>, the magician in Don <i>Belianis</i> of
+<i>Greece</i>, nor the no less famous <i>Urganda</i>, the sorceress his
+wife, (were they alive), could pretend to come within a league of the
+truth.</p>
+
+<p>The reader will be content to wait for a full explanation of these
+matters till the next year,&mdash;&mdash;when a series of things will be
+laid open which he little expects.</p>
+
+
+<p class = "footnote">
+<a name = "note_2_1" id = "note_2_1" href = "#tag_2_1">1.</a>
+The author is here twice mistaken; for <i>LithopĂŚdus</i> should be wrote
+thus, <i>LithopĂŚdii Senonensis Icon</i>. The second mistake is, that
+this <i>LithopĂŚdus</i> is not an author, but a drawing of a petrified
+child. The account of this, published by <i>Athosius</i> 1580, may be
+seen at the end of <i>Cordæus’s</i> works in <i>Spachius</i>. Mr.
+<i>Tristram Shandy</i> has been led into this error, either from seeing
+<i>Lithopædus’s</i> name of late in a catalogue of learned writers in
+Dr. &mdash;&mdash;, or by mistaking <i>LithopĂŚdus</i> for
+<i>Trinecavellius</i>,&mdash;&mdash;from the too great similitude of the
+names.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page113" id = "page113">113</a></span>
+<h3><a name = "bookIII" id = "bookIII">BOOK III</a></h3>
+
+<p class = "deephang small">
+Multitudinis imperitĂŚ non formido judicia; meis tamen, rogo, parcant
+opusculis&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;in quibus fuit propositi semper,
+a&nbsp;jocis ad seria, a&nbsp;seriis vicissim ad jocos transire.
+</p>
+
+<p class = "right small">
+&mdash;<span class = "smallcaps">Joan. Saresberiensis</span>,
+<i>Episcopus Lugdun.</i></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapI" id = "bookIII_chapI">
+CHAPTER I</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;“<i>I WISH, Dr. Slop</i>,” quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+(repeating his wish for Dr. <i>Slop</i> a second time, and with a degree
+of more zeal and earnestness in his manner of wishing, than he had
+wished at first<a class = "tag" name = "tag_3_1" id = "tag_3_1" href =
+"#note_3_1">1</a>)&mdash;&mdash;“<i>I wish, Dr. Slop</i>,” quoth my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, “<i>you had seen what prodigious armies we had in</i>
+Flanders.”</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby’s</i> wish did Dr. <i>Slop</i> a disservice which
+his heart never intended any man,&mdash;Sir, it confounded
+him&mdash;&mdash;and thereby putting his ideas first into confusion, and
+then to flight, he could not rally them again for the soul of him.</p>
+
+<p>In all disputes,&mdash;&mdash;male or female,&mdash;&mdash;whether
+for honour, for profit, or for love,&mdash;it makes no difference in the
+case;&mdash;nothing is more dangerous, Madam, than a wish coming
+sideways in this unexpected manner upon a man: the safest way in general
+to take off the force of the wish, is for the party wish’d at, instantly
+to get upon his legs&mdash;and wish the <i>wisher</i> something in
+return, of pretty near the same value,&mdash;&mdash;so balancing the
+account upon the spot, you stand as you were&mdash;nay sometimes gain
+the advantage of the attack by&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>This will be fully illustrated to the world in my chapter of
+wishes.&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Dr. <i>Slop</i> did not understand the nature of this
+defence;&mdash;he was puzzled with it, and it put an entire stop to the
+dispute for four minutes and a half;&mdash;five had been fatal to
+it:&mdash;my father saw the danger&mdash;the dispute was one of the most
+interesting disputes in the world, “Whether the child of his prayers and
+endeavours should be born without a head or with one:”&mdash;he waited
+to the last moment, to allow Dr. <i>Slop</i>, in whose behalf the wish
+was made, his right of returning it; but perceiving, I&nbsp;say, that he
+was confounded, and continued looking with that
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page114" id = "page114">114</a></span>
+perplexed vacuity of eye which puzzled souls generally stare
+with&mdash;first in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> face&mdash;then in
+his&mdash;then up&mdash;then down&mdash;then east&mdash;east and by
+east, and so on,&mdash;&mdash;coasting it along by the plinth of the
+wainscot till he had got to the opposite point of the
+compass,&mdash;&mdash;and that he had actually begun to count the brass
+nails upon the arm of his chair,&mdash;my father thought there was no
+time to be lost with my uncle <i>Toby</i>, so took up the discourse as
+follows.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapII" id = "bookIII_chapII">
+CHAPTER II</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>“&mdash;<span class = "firstword">What</span> prodigious armies you
+had in <i>Flanders!</i>”&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Brother <i>Toby</i>, replied my father, taking his wig from off his
+head with his right hand, and with his <i>left</i> pulling out a striped
+<i>India</i> handkerchief from his right coat pocket, in order to rub
+his head, as he argued the point with my uncle <span class =
+"locked"><i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Now, in this I think my father was much to blame; and I
+will give you my reasons for&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Matters of no more seeming consequence in themselves than,
+“<i>Whether my father should have taken off his wig with his right hand
+or with his left</i>,”&mdash;&mdash;have divided the greatest kingdoms,
+and made the crowns of the monarchs who governed them, to totter upon
+their heads.&mdash;&mdash;But need I tell you, Sir, that the
+circumstances with which every thing in this world is begirt, give every
+thing in this world its size and shape!&mdash;and by tightening it, or
+relaxing it, this way or that, make the thing to be, what it
+is&mdash;great&mdash;little&mdash;good&mdash;bad&mdash;indifferent or
+not indifferent, just as the case happens?</p>
+
+<p>As my father’s <i>India</i> handkerchief was in his right coat
+pocket, he should by no means have suffered his right hand to have got
+engaged: on the contrary, instead of taking off his wig with it, as he
+did, he ought to have committed that entirely to the left; and then,
+when the natural exigency my father was under of rubbing his head,
+called out for his handkerchief, he would have had nothing in the world
+to have done, but to have put his right hand into his right coat pocket
+and taken it out;&mdash;&mdash;which he might have done without any
+violence, or the least ungraceful twist in any one tendon or muscle of
+his whole body</p>
+
+<p>In this case, (unless, indeed, my father had been resolved to make a
+fool of himself by holding the wig stiff in his left
+hand&mdash;&mdash;or by making some nonsensical angle or other at his
+elbow-joint, or arm-pit)&mdash;his whole attitude had been
+easy&mdash;natural&mdash;unforced:
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page115" id = "page115">115</a></span>
+<i>Reynolds</i> himself, as great and gracefully as he paints, might
+have painted him as he sat.</p>
+
+<p>Now as my father managed this matter,&mdash;consider what a devil of
+a figure my father made of himself.</p>
+
+<p>In the latter end of Queen <i>Anne’s</i> reign, and in the beginning
+of the reign of King <i>George</i> the first&mdash;“<i>Coat pockets were
+cut very low down in the skirt</i>.”&mdash;I&nbsp;need say no
+more&mdash;the father of mischief, had he been hammering at it a month,
+could not have contrived a worse fashion for one in my father’s
+situation.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapIII" id = "bookIII_chapIII">
+CHAPTER III</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> was not an easy matter in any
+king’s reign (unless you were as lean a subject as myself) to have
+forced your hand diagonally, quite across your whole body, so as to gain
+the bottom of your opposite coat pocket.&mdash;&mdash;In the year one
+thousand seven hundred and eighteen, when this happened, it was
+extremely difficult; so that when my uncle <i>Toby</i> discovered the
+transverse zig-zaggery of my father’s approaches towards it, it
+instantly brought into his mind those he had done duty in, before the
+gate of <i>St. Nicolas</i>;&mdash;&mdash;the idea of which drew off his
+attention so entirely from the subject in debate, that he had got his
+right hand to the bell to ring up <i>Trim</i> to go and fetch his map of
+<i>Namur</i>, and his compasses and sector along with it, to measure the
+returning angles of the traverses of that attack,&mdash;but particularly
+of that one, where he received his wound upon his groin.</p>
+
+<p>My father knit his brows, and as he knit them, all the blood in his
+body seemed to rush up into his face&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+dismounted immediately.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I did not apprehend your uncle <i>Toby</i> was o’
+horseback.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapIV" id = "bookIII_chapIV">
+CHAPTER IV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">A man</span>’s body and his mind, with the
+utmost reverence to both I speak it, are exactly like a jerkin, and a
+jerkin’s lining;&mdash;rumple the one,&mdash;you rumple the other. There
+is one certain exception however in this case, and that is, when you are
+so fortunate a fellow, as to have had your jerkin made of gum-taffeta,
+and the body-lining to it of a sarcenet, or thin persian.</p>
+
+<p><i>Zeno</i>, <i>Cleanthes</i>, <i>Diogenes Babylonius</i>,
+<i>Dionysius</i>, <i>Heracleotes</i>, <i>Antipater</i>, <i>PanĂŚtius</i>,
+and <i>Posidonius</i> amongst the
+<i>Greeks</i>;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Cato</i> and <i>Varro</i> and
+<i>Seneca</i> amongst the <i>Romans</i>;&mdash;&mdash;<i>PantĂŚonus</i>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page116" id = "page116">116</a></span>
+and <i>Clemens Alexandrinus</i> and <i>Montaigne</i> amongst the
+Christians; and a score and a half of good, honest, unthinking
+<i>Shandean</i> people as ever lived, whose names I can’t
+recollect,&mdash;all pretended that their jerkins were made after this
+fashion,&mdash;you might have rumpled and crumpled, and doubled and
+creased, and fretted and fridged the outside of them all to
+pieces;&mdash;&mdash;in short, you might have played the very devil with
+them, and at the same time, not one of the insides of them would have
+been one button the worse, for all you had done to them.</p>
+
+<p>I believe in my conscience that mine is made up somewhat after this
+sort:&mdash;&mdash;for never poor jerkin has been tickled off at such a
+rate as it has been these last nine months together,&mdash;&mdash;and
+yet I declare, the lining to it,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;as far as I am a
+judge of the matter,&mdash;&mdash;is not a three-penny piece the
+worse;&mdash;pell-mell, helter-skelter, ding-dong, cut and thrust, back
+stroke and fore stroke, side way and long way, have they been trimming
+it for me:&mdash;had there been the least gumminess in my
+lining,&mdash;by heaven! it had all of it long ago been frayed and
+fretted to a thread.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;You Messrs. the Monthly
+reviewers!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;how could you cut and slash my jerkin as
+you did?&mdash;&mdash;how did you know but you would cut my lining
+too?</p>
+
+<p>Heartily and from my soul, to the protection of that Being who will
+injure none of us, do I recommend you and your affairs,&mdash;so God
+bless you;&mdash;only next month, if any one of you should gnash his
+teeth, and storm and rage at me, as some of you did last <span class =
+"smallcaps">May</span> (in&nbsp;which I remember the weather was very
+hot)&mdash;don’t be exasperated, if I pass it by again with good
+temper,&mdash;being determined as long as I live or write (which in my
+case means the same thing) never to give the honest gentleman a worse
+word or a worse wish than my uncle <i>Toby</i> gave the fly which buzz’d
+about his nose all
+<i>dinner-time</i>,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;“Go,&mdash;go, poor devil,”
+quoth he,&mdash;“get thee gone,&mdash;why should I hurt thee? This world
+is surely wide enough to hold both thee and&nbsp;me.”</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapV" id = "bookIII_chapV">
+CHAPTER V</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Any</span> man, Madam, reasoning upwards,
+and observing the prodigious suffusion of blood in my father’s
+countenance,&mdash;by means of which (as&nbsp;all the blood in his body
+seemed to rush into his face, as I told you) he must have reddened,
+pictorically and scientifically speaking, six whole tints and a half, if
+not a full octave
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page117" id = "page117">117</a></span>
+above his natural colour:&mdash;any man, Madam, but my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, who had observed this, together with the violent knitting
+of my father’s brows, and the extravagant contortion of his body during
+the whole affair,&mdash;would have concluded my father in a rage; and
+taking that for granted,&mdash;had he been a lover of such kind of
+concord as arises from two such instruments being put in exact
+tune,&mdash;he would instantly have skrew’d up his, to the same
+pitch;&mdash;and then the devil and all had broke loose&mdash;the whole
+piece, Madam, must have been played off like the sixth of Avison
+Scarlatti&mdash;<i>con furia</i>,&mdash;like mad.&mdash;Grant me
+patience!&mdash;&mdash;What has <i>con furia</i>,&mdash;&mdash;<i>con
+strepito</i>,&mdash;&mdash;or any other hurly burly whatever to do with
+harmony?</p>
+
+<p>Any man, I say, Madam, but my uncle <i>Toby</i>, the benignity of
+whose heart interpreted every motion of the body in the kindest sense
+the motion would admit of, would have concluded my father angry, and
+blamed him too. My uncle <i>Toby</i> blamed nothing but the taylor who
+cut the pocket-hole;&mdash;&mdash;so sitting still till my father had
+got his handkerchief out of it, and looking all the time up in his face
+with inexpressible good-will&mdash;&mdash;my father, at length, went on
+as follows.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapVI" id = "bookIII_chapVI">
+CHAPTER VI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>“<span class = "firstword">What</span> prodigious armies you had in
+<i>Flanders!</i>”&mdash;&mdash;Brother <i>Toby</i>, quoth my father,
+I&nbsp;do believe thee to be as honest a man, and with as good and as
+upright a heart as ever God created;&mdash;nor is it thy fault, if all
+the children which have been, may, can, shall, will, or ought to be
+begotten, come with their heads foremost into the
+world:&mdash;&mdash;but believe me, dear <i>Toby</i>, the accidents
+which unavoidably waylay them, not only in the article of our begetting
+’em&mdash;&mdash;though these, in my opinion, are well worth
+considering,&mdash;&mdash;but the dangers and difficulties our children
+are beset with, after they are got forth into the world, are
+enow&mdash;little need is there to expose them to unnecessary ones in
+their passage to it.&mdash;&mdash;Are these dangers, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, laying his hand upon my father’s knee, and looking up
+seriously in his face for an answer,&mdash;&mdash;are these dangers
+greater now o’ days, brother, than in times past? Brother <i>Toby</i>,
+answered my father, if a child was but fairly begot, and born alive, and
+healthy, and the mother did well after it,&mdash;our forefathers never
+looked farther.&mdash;&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i> instantly withdrew his
+hand from off my father’s knee, reclined his body gently back in his
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page118" id = "page118">118</a></span>
+chair, raised his head till he could just see the cornice of the room,
+and then directing the buccinatory muscles along his cheeks, and the
+orbicular muscles around his lips to do their duty&mdash;he whistled
+<i>Lillabullero</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapVII" id = "bookIII_chapVII">
+CHAPTER VII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Whilst</span> my uncle <i>Toby</i> was
+whistling <i>Lillabullero</i> to my father,&mdash;Dr. <i>Slop</i> was
+stamping, and cursing and damning at <i>Obadiah</i> at a most dreadful
+rate,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;it would have done your heart good, and cured
+you, Sir, for ever of the vile sin of swearing, to have heard him;
+I&nbsp;am determined therefore to relate the whole affair to you.</p>
+
+<p>When Dr. <i>Slop’s</i> maid delivered the green bays bag with her
+master’s instruments in it, to <i>Obadiah</i>, she very sensibly
+exhorted him to put his head and one arm through the strings, and ride
+with it slung across his body: so undoing the bow-knot, to lengthen the
+strings for him, without any more ado, she helped him on with it.
+However, as this, in some measure, unguarded the mouth of the bag, lest
+anything should bolt out in galloping back, at the speed <i>Obadiah</i>
+threatened, they consulted to take it off again: and in the great care
+and caution of their hearts, they had taken the two strings and tied
+them close (pursing up the mouth of the bag first) with half a dozen
+hard knots, each of which <i>Obadiah</i>, to make all safe, had twitched
+and drawn together with all the strength of his body.</p>
+
+<p>This answered all that <i>Obadiah</i> and the maid intended; but was
+no remedy against some evils which neither he or she foresaw. The
+instruments, it seems, as tight as the bag was tied above, had so much
+room to play in it, towards the bottom (the shape of the bag being
+conical) that <i>Obadiah</i> could not make a trot of it, but with such
+a terrible jingle, what with the <i>tire tĂŞte</i>, <i>forceps</i>, and
+<i>squirt</i>, as would have been enough, had <i>Hymen</i> been taking a
+jaunt that way, to have frightened him out of the country; but when
+<i>Obadiah</i> accelerated his motion, and from a plain trot assayed to
+prick his coach-horse into a full gallop&mdash;&mdash;by Heaven! Sir,
+the jingle was incredible.</p>
+
+<p>As <i>Obadiah</i> had a wife and three children&mdash;&mdash;the
+turpitude of fornication, and the many other political ill consequences
+of this jingling, never once entered his brain,&mdash;&mdash;he had
+however his objection, which came home to himself, and weighed with him,
+as it has oft-times done with the greatest
+patriots.&mdash;&mdash;“<i>The poor fellow, Sir, was not able to hear
+himself whistle.</i>”</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page119" id = "page119">119</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapVIII" id = "bookIII_chapVIII">
+CHAPTER VIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> <i>Obadiah</i> loved wind-music
+preferably to all the instrumental music he carried with him,&mdash;he
+very considerately set his imagination to work, to contrive and to
+invent by what means he should put himself in a condition of
+enjoying&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>In all distresses (except musical) where small cords are wanted,
+nothing is so apt to enter a man’s head as his
+hat-band:&mdash;&mdash;the philosophy of this is so near the
+surface&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;scorn to enter into&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>As <i>Obadiah’s</i> was a mix’d case&mdash;&mdash;mark,
+Sirs,&mdash;&mdash;I say, a&nbsp;mixed case; for it was
+obstetrical,&mdash;&mdash;<i>scrip</i>tical, squirtical,
+papistical&mdash;&mdash;and as far as the coach-horse was concerned in
+it,&mdash;&mdash;caballistical&mdash;&mdash;and only partly
+musical;&mdash;<i>Obadiah</i> made no scruple of availing himself of the
+first expedient which offered; so taking hold of the bag and
+instruments, and <ins class = "correction"
+title = "text unchanged: expected form ‘gripping’">griping</ins> them hard together with one
+hand, and with the finger and thumb of the other putting the end of the
+hat-band betwixt his teeth, and then slipping his hand down to the
+middle of it,&mdash;he tied and cross-tied them all fast together from
+one end to the other (as&nbsp;you would cord a trunk) with such a
+multiplicity of roundabouts and intricate cross turns, with a hard knot
+at every intersection or point where the strings met,&mdash;that Dr.
+<i>Slop</i> must have had three-fifths of <i>Job’s</i> patience at least
+to have unloosed them.&mdash;I&nbsp;think in my conscience, that had
+<span class = "smallcaps">Nature</span> been in one of her nimble moods,
+and in humour for such a contest&mdash;&mdash;and she and Dr.
+<i>Slop</i> both fairly started together&mdash;&mdash;there is no man
+living who had seen the bag with all that <i>Obadiah</i> had done to
+it,&mdash;&mdash;and known likewise the great speed the Goddess can make
+when she thinks proper, who would have had the least doubt remaining in
+his mind&mdash;which of the two would have carried off the prize. My
+mother, Madam, had been delivered sooner than the green bag
+infallibly&mdash;&mdash;at least by twenty
+<i>knots</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Sport of small accidents, <i>Tristram
+Shandy!</i> that thou art, and ever will be! had that trial been for
+thee, and it was fifty to one but it had,&mdash;&mdash;thy affairs had
+not been so depress’d&mdash;(at&nbsp;least by the depression of thy
+nose) as they have been; nor had the fortunes of thy house and the
+occasions of making them, which have so often presented themselves in
+the course of thy life, to thee, been so often, so vexatiously, so
+tamely, so irrecoverably abandoned&mdash;as thou hast been forced to
+leave them;&mdash;&mdash;but ’tis over,&mdash;&mdash;all but the account
+of ’em, which cannot be given to the curious till I am got out into the
+world.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page120" id = "page120">120</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapIX" id = "bookIII_chapIX">
+CHAPTER IX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Great</span> wits jump: for the moment Dr.
+<i>Slop</i> cast his eyes upon his bag (which he had not done till the
+dispute with my uncle <i>Toby</i> about midwifery put him in mind
+of&nbsp;it)&mdash;the very same thought occurred.&mdash;’Tis God’s
+mercy, quoth he (to&nbsp;himself) that Mrs. <i>Shandy</i> has had so bad
+a time of it,&mdash;&mdash;else she might have been brought to bed seven
+times told, before one half of these knots could have got
+untied.&mdash;&mdash;But here you must distinguish&mdash;the thought
+floated only in Dr. <i>Slop’s</i> mind, without sail or ballast to it,
+as a simple proposition; millions of which, as your worship knows, are
+every day swimming quietly in the middle of the thin juice of a man’s
+understanding, without being carried backwards or forwards, till some
+little gusts of passion or interest drive them to one side.</p>
+
+<p>A sudden trampling in the room above, near my mother’s bed, did the
+proposition the very service I am speaking of. By all that’s
+unfortunate, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, unless I make haste, the thing will
+actually befall me as it&nbsp;is.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapX" id = "bookIII_chapX">
+CHAPTER X</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">In</span> the case of
+<i>knots</i>,&mdash;by which, in the first place, I&nbsp;would not be
+understood to mean slip-knots&mdash;because in the course of my life and
+opinions&mdash;my opinions concerning them will come in more properly
+when I mention the catastrophe of my great uncle Mr. <i>Hammond
+Shandy</i>,&mdash;a&nbsp;little man,&mdash;but of high fancy:&mdash;he
+rushed into the duke of <i>Monmouth’s</i> affair:&mdash;&mdash;nor,
+secondly, in this place, do I mean that particular species of knots
+called bow-knots;&mdash;there is so little address, or skill, or
+patience required in the unloosing them, that they are below my giving
+any opinion at all about them.&mdash;But by the knots I am speaking of,
+may it please your reverences to believe, that I mean good, honest,
+devilish tight, hard knots, made <i>bona fide</i>, as <i>Obadiah</i>
+made his;&mdash;&mdash;in which there is no quibbling provision made by
+the duplication and return of the two ends of the strings thro’ the
+annulus or noose made by the second <i>implication</i> of them&mdash;to
+get them slipp’d and undone by.&mdash;I&nbsp;hope you
+apprehend&nbsp;me.</p>
+
+<p>In the case of these <i>knots</i> then, and of the several
+obstructions, which, may it please your reverences, such knots cast in
+our way in getting through life&mdash;&mdash;every hasty man can whip
+out his
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page121" id = "page121">121</a></span>
+penknife and cut through them.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis wrong. Believe me,
+Sirs, the most virtuous way, and which both reason and conscience
+dictate&mdash;&mdash;is to take our teeth or our fingers to
+them.&mdash;&mdash;Dr. <i>Slop</i> had lost his teeth&mdash;his
+favourite instrument, by extracting in a wrong direction, or by some
+misapplication of it, unfortunately slipping, he had formerly, in a hard
+labour, knock’d out three of the best of them with the handle of
+it:&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;he tried his fingers&mdash;alas; the nails of
+his fingers and thumbs were cut close.&mdash;&mdash;The duce take it!
+I&nbsp;can make nothing of it either way, cried Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>.&mdash;&mdash;The trampling overhead near my mother’s
+bedside increased.&mdash;Pox take the fellow! I&nbsp;shall never get the
+knots untied as long as I live.&mdash;&mdash;My mother gave a
+groan.&mdash;&mdash;Lend me your penknife&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;must e’en
+cut the knots at last&mdash;&mdash;pugh!&mdash;&mdash;psha!&mdash;Lord!
+I&nbsp;have cut my thumb quite across to the very
+bone&mdash;&mdash;curse the fellow&mdash;if there was not another
+man-midwife within fifty miles&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am undone for this
+bout&mdash;I&nbsp;wish the scoundrel hang’d&mdash;I&nbsp;wish he was
+shot&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish all the devils in hell had him for a <span
+class = "locked">blockhead!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My father had a great respect for <i>Obadiah</i>, and could not bear
+to hear him disposed of in such a manner&mdash;he had moreover some
+little respect for himself&mdash;and could as ill bear with the
+indignity offered to himself in&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Had Dr. <i>Slop</i> cut any part about him, but his
+thumb&mdash;&mdash;my father had pass’d it by&mdash;his prudence had
+triumphed: as it was, he was determined to have his revenge.</p>
+
+<p>Small curses, Dr. <i>Slop</i>, upon great occasions, quoth my father
+(condoling with him first upon the accident), are but so much waste of
+our strength and soul’s health to no manner of purpose.&mdash;I&nbsp;own
+it, replied Dr. <i>Slop</i>.&mdash;They are like sparrow-shot, quoth my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> (suspending his whistling), fired against a
+bastion.&mdash;&mdash;They serve, continued my father, to stir the
+humours&mdash;&mdash;but carry off none of their acrimony:&mdash;for my
+own part, I&nbsp;seldom swear or curse at all&mdash;I&nbsp;hold it
+bad&mdash;&mdash;but if I fall into it by surprize, I&nbsp;generally
+retain so much presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>) as
+to make it answer my purpose&mdash;&mdash;that is, I&nbsp;swear on till
+I find myself easy. A&nbsp;wise and a just man however would always
+endeavour to proportion the vent given to these humours, not only to the
+degree of them stirring within himself&mdash;but to the size and ill
+intent of the offence upon which they are to fall.&mdash;“<i>Injuries
+come only from the heart</i>,”&mdash;quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>. For
+this reason, continued my father, with the most <i>Cervantick</i>
+gravity, I&nbsp;have the greatest veneration in the world for that
+gentleman, who, in distrust of his own discretion
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page122" id = "page122">122</a></span>
+in this point, sat down and composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms
+of swearing suitable to all cases, from the lowest to the highest
+provocation which could possibly happen to him&mdash;&mdash;which forms
+being well considered by him, and such moreover as he could stand to, he
+kept them ever by him on the chimney-piece, within his reach, ready for
+use.&mdash;I&nbsp;never apprehended, replied Dr. <i>Slop</i>, that such
+a thing was ever thought of&mdash;&mdash;much less executed. I&nbsp;beg
+your pardon, answered my father; I&nbsp;was reading, though not using,
+one of them to my brother <i>Toby</i> this morning, whilst he pour’d out
+the tea&mdash;’tis here upon the shelf over my head;&mdash;but if I
+remember right, ’tis too violent for a cut of the thumb.&mdash;Not at
+all, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>&mdash;the devil take the
+fellow.&mdash;&mdash;Then, answered my father, ’Tis much at your
+service, Dr. <i>Slop</i>&mdash;on condition you will read it
+aloud;&mdash;&mdash;so rising up and reaching down a form of
+excommunication of the church of <i>Rome</i>, a&nbsp;copy of which, my
+father (who was curious in his collections) had procured out of the
+leger-book of the church of <i>Rochester</i>, writ by <span class =
+"smallcaps">Ernulphus</span> the bishop&mdash;&mdash;with a most
+affected seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled <span
+class = "smallcaps">Ernulphus</span> himself&mdash;he put it into Dr.
+<i>Slop’s</i> hands.&mdash;&mdash;Dr. <i>Slop</i> wrapt his thumb up in
+the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though without any
+suspicion, read aloud, as follows&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> whistling <i>Lillabullero</i> as loud as he could all the
+time.</p>
+
+
+<h5><a name = "bookIII_excomm" id = "bookIII_excomm">
+Textus de Ecclesiâ Roffensi, per Ernulfum Episcopum.</a></h5>
+
+<table class = "parallel" summary = "parallel text">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<h4>CAP. XI<br />
+EXCOMMUNICATIO<a class = "tag" name = "tag_3_2" id = "tag_3_2" href =
+"#note_3_2">2</a></h4>
+</td>
+<td>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page123" id = "page123">123</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXI" id = "bookIII_chapXI">
+CHAPTER XI</a></h4>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><span class = "firstword">Ex</span> auctoritate Dei omnipotentis,
+Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, sanctĂŚque et
+intemeratĂŚ Virginis Dei genetricis <span class =
+"locked">MariĂŚ,&mdash;</span></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>“<span class = "firstword">By</span> the authority of God Almighty,
+the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the
+undefiled Virgin <i>Mary</i>, mother and patroness of our Saviour.”</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, dropping the
+paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to my
+father&mdash;&mdash;as you have read it over, Sir, so lately, to read it
+aloud&mdash;&mdash;and as Captain <i>Shandy</i> seems to have no great
+inclination to hear it&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;may as well read it to
+myself. That’s contrary to treaty, replied my
+father:&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;besides, there is something so whimsical,
+especially in the latter part of it, I&nbsp;should grieve to lose the
+pleasure of a second reading. Dr. <i>Slop</i> did not altogether like
+it,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but my uncle <i>Toby</i> offering at that
+instant to give over whistling, and read it himself to
+them;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Dr. <i>Slop</i> thought he might as well read
+it under the cover of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+whistling&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;as suffer my uncle <i>Toby</i> to read it
+alone;&mdash;&mdash;so raising up the paper to his face, and holding it
+quite parallel to it, in order to hide his
+chagrin&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;he read it aloud as
+follows&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> whistling
+<i>Lillabullero</i>, though not quite so loud as before.</p>
+
+<table class = "parallel" summary = "parallel text">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<span class = "pagenum left">
+<a name = "page124" id = "page124">124</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Atque omnium cœlestium virtutum, angelorum,
+archangelorum, thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin ac
+seraphin, &amp; sanctorum patriarchum, prophetarum, &amp; omnium
+apostolorum &amp; evangelistarum, &amp; sanctorum innocentum, qui in
+conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare novum, et
+sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum, et sanctarum virginum,
+atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum Dei,</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page125" id = "page125">125</a></span>
+<p>“By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,
+and of the undefiled Virgin <i>Mary</i>, mother and patroness of our
+Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones,
+dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy
+patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of
+the holy innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy
+to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the
+holy virgins, and of all the saints, together with the holy and elect of
+God,&mdash;&mdash;May he” (<i>Obadiah</i>) “be damn’d” (for tying these
+knots)</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Excommunicamus, et anathematizamus<br />
+<i>vel</i> os&nbsp;<span class = "invisible"> fure</span>s<span class =
+"invisible">, vel </span><i>vel</i> os&nbsp;<span class = "invisible">
+malefactore</span>s<br />
+hunc furem, vel hunc malefactorem, N. N. et a liminibus sanctĂŚ Dei
+ecclesiĂŚ sequestramus, et ĂŚternis suppliciis<br />
+
+<span class = "invisible">excrucia</span><i>vel</i> i <span class =
+"invisible">, mancipe</span>n<br />
+excruciandus, mancipetur, cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui dixerunt
+Domino Deo, Recede Ă  nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus: et sicut
+aquâ ignis extinguitur, sic extinguatur<br />
+&emsp; <i>vel</i> eorum<br />
+lucerna ejus in secula seculorum nisi<br />
+<span class = "invisible">resipuer</span>n, <span class = "invisible">et
+ad satisfactionem vener</span>n<br />
+resipuerit, et ad satisfactionem venerit. Amen.</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;“We excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the
+thresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he
+may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with <i>Dathan</i> and
+<i>Abiram</i>, and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us,
+we desire none of thy ways. And as fire is quenched with water, so let
+the light of him be put out for evermore, unless it shall repent him”
+(<i>Obadiah</i>, of the knots which he has tied) “and make satisfaction”
+(for them) “Amen.”</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><span class = "invisible">Maledicat ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicat illum Deus Pater qui hominem creavit.<br />
+<span class = "invisible">Maledicat ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicat illum Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est.<br />
+<span class = "invisible">Maledicat ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicat illum Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo effusus est.<br />
+<span class = "invisible">Maledicat ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicat illum sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostrâ salute hostem
+triumphans ascendit.</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>“May the Father who created man, curse him.&mdash;&mdash;May the Son
+who suffered for us, curse him.&mdash;&mdash;May the Holy Ghost, who was
+given to us in baptism, curse him (<i>Obadiah</i>)&mdash;&mdash;May the
+holy cross which Christ, for our salvation triumphing over his enemies,
+ascended, curse him.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><span class = "invisible">Maledicat ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicat illum sancta Dei genetrix et perpetua Virgo Maria.<br />
+<span class = "invisible">Maledicat ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicat illum sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sacrarum.<br />
+<span class = "invisible">Maledicant ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et potestates,
+omnisque militia cœlestis.</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>“May the holy and eternal Virgin <i>Mary</i>, mother of God, curse
+him.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;May St. <i>Michael</i>, the advocate of holy
+souls, curse him.&mdash;&mdash;May all the angels and archangels,
+principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies, curse him.” [Our
+armies swore terribly in <i>Flanders</i>, cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but nothing to
+this.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;For my own part I could not have a heart to
+curse my dog&nbsp;so.]</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><span class = "invisible">Maledicat ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicat illum patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis numerus.<br
+/>
+<span class = "invisible">Maledicat ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicat illum sanctus Johannes PrĂŚcusor et Baptista Christi, et
+sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque sanctus Andreas, omnesque
+Christi apostoli, simul et cĂŚteri</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum left">
+<a name = "page126" id = "page126">126</a></span>
+
+<p>discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelistĂŚ, qui sua prĂŚdicatione mundum
+universum converterunt.<br />
+<span class = "invisible">Maledicat ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicat illum cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo bonis
+operibus placitus inventus est.</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>“May St. John, the Præcursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter
+and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ’s apostles, together
+curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who
+by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and
+wonderful company of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page127" id = "page127">127</a></span>
+martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are found pleasing to God
+Almighty, curse him” (<i>Obadiah</i>).</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><span class = "invisible">Maledicant ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicant illum sacrarum virginum chori, quĂŚ mundi vana causa
+honoris Christi respuenda contempserunt.<br />
+<span class = "invisible">Maledicant ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicant illum omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem seculi
+Deo dilecti inveniuntur.</p>
+
+<p><span class = "invisible">Maledicant ill</span>os<br />
+Maledicant illum cœli et terra, et omnia sancta in eis manentia.</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>“May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ
+have despised the things of the world, damn him&mdash;&mdash;May all the
+saints, who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are
+found to be beloved of God, damn him&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;May the heavens
+and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, damn him”
+(<i>Obadiah</i>) “or her” (or&nbsp;whoever else had a hand in tying
+these knots).</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><span class = "invisible">Maledict </span>i&emsp;n <span class =
+"invisible">ubicunque fuer</span>n<br />
+Maledictus sit ubicunque fuerit, sive in domo, sive in agro, sive in
+viâ, sive in semitâ, sive in silvâ, sive in aquâ, sive in ecclesiâ.</p>
+
+<p><span class = "invisible">Maledict </span>i&emsp;n<br />
+Maledictus sit vivendo, moriendo,
+<img src = "images/onedash.gif" width = "200" height = "12"
+alt = "--" /><br />
+<span class = "space25">&nbsp; &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;<br />
+&nbsp; &mdash;&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;<br />
+&nbsp; &mdash;&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span><br />
+manducando, bibendo, esuriendo, sitiendo, jejunando, dormitando,
+dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando, stando, sedendo, jacendo, operando,
+quiescendo, mingendo, cacando, flebotomando.</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>“May he (<i>Obadiah</i>) be damn’d wherever he
+be&mdash;&mdash;whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the
+field, or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the water,
+or in the church.&mdash;&mdash;May he be cursed in living, in dying.”
+[Here my uncle <i>Toby</i>, taking the advantage of a <i>minim</i> in
+the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the end
+of the sentence.&mdash;&mdash;Dr. <i>Slop</i>, with his division of
+curses moving under him, like a running bass all the way.] “May he be
+cursed in eating, and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in
+fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in
+sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and
+in blood-letting!”</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><span class = "invisible">Maledict </span>i&emsp;n<br />
+Maledictus sit in totis viribus corporis,</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>“May he” (<i>Obadiah</i>) “be cursed in all the faculties of his
+body!</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><span class = "invisible">Maledict </span>i&emsp;n<br />
+Maledictus sit intus et exterius.</p>
+
+<p><span class = "invisible">Maledict </span>i&emsp;n<br />
+Maledictus sit in capillis;</p>
+
+<p><span class = "invisible">Maledict </span>i&emsp;n<br />
+maledictus sit in cerebro.<br />
+<span class = "invisible">Maledict </span>i&emsp;n<br />
+Maledictus sit in vertice, in temporibus, in fronte, in auriculis, in
+superciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis, in naribus, in dentibus,
+mordacibus, sive molaribus, in labiis, in guttere, in humeris, in
+harnis, in brachiis, in manubus, in digitis, in pectore, in corde, et in
+omnibus interioribus stomacho tenus, in renibus, in inguinibus, in
+femore, in genitalibus, in coxis, in genubus, in cruribus, in pedibus,
+et in inguibus.</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>“May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;May he
+be cursed in the hair of his head!&mdash;&mdash;May he be cursed in his
+brains, and in his vertex” (that is a sad curse, quoth my father), “in
+his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eye-brows, in his
+cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and
+grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists,
+in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers!</p>
+
+<p>“May he be damn’d in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and
+purtenance, down to the very stomach!</p>
+
+<p>“May he be cursed in his <ins class = "correction"
+title = "not an error: _renibus_ = kidneys)">reins</ins>, and in his groin” (God in
+heaven forbid! quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>), “in his thighs, in his
+genitals” (my&nbsp;father shook his head), “and in his hips, and in his
+knees, his legs, and feet, and toe-nails!</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<span class = "pagenum left">
+<a name = "page128" id = "page128">128</a></span>
+<p>Maledictus sit in totis compagibus membrorum, a vertice capitis,
+usque ad plantam pedis&mdash;non sit in eo sanitas.</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page129" id = "page129">129</a></span>
+<p>“May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of his members,
+from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no
+soundness in him!</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p>Maledicat illum Christus Filius Dei vivi toto suĂŚ majestatis <span
+class = "locked">imperio.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>“May the Son of the living God, with all the glory of his
+Majesty”&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>[Here my uncle <i>Toby</i>, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous,
+long, loud Whew&mdash;w&mdash;w&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;something
+betwixt the interjectional whistle of <i>Hay-day!</i> and the word <span
+class = "locked">itself.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;By the golden beard of <i>Jupiter</i>&mdash;and of
+<i>Juno</i> (if&nbsp;her majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest
+of your heathen worships, which by the bye was no small number, since
+what with the beards of your celestial gods, and gods aerial and
+aquatick&mdash;to say nothing of the beards of town-gods and
+country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the
+infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore
+them)&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;all which beards, as <i>Varro</i> tells me,
+upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than
+thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan
+establishment;&mdash;&mdash;every beard of which claimed the rights and
+privileges of being stroken and sworn by&mdash;by all these beards
+together then&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;vow and protest, that of the two bad
+cassocks I am worth in the world, I&nbsp;would have given the better of
+them, as freely as ever <i>Cid Hamet</i> offered his&mdash;&mdash;to
+have stood by, and heard my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> accompanyment.]</p>
+
+<table class = "parallel" summary = "parallel text">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;et insurgat adversus illum cœlum cum omnibus virtutibus
+quĂŚ in eo moventur ad <i>damnandum</i> eum, nisi penituerit et ad
+satisfactionem venerit. Amen. Fiat, fiat. Amen.</p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;“curse him!” continued Dr. <i>Slop</i>,&mdash;“and may
+heaven, with all the powers which move therein, rise up against <ins
+class = "correction" title = "invisible , at line-end">him,</ins> curse
+and damn him” (<i>Obadiah</i>) “unless he repent and make satisfaction!
+Amen. So be it,&mdash;so be it. Amen.”</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>I declare, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, my heart would not let me
+curse the devil himself with so much bitterness.&mdash;He is the father
+of curses, replied Dr. <i>Slop</i>.&mdash;&mdash;So am not I, replied my
+uncle.&mdash;&mdash;But he is cursed, and damn’d already, to all
+eternity, replied Dr. <i>Slop</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Dr. <i>Slop</i> drew up his mouth, and was just beginning to return
+my uncle <i>Toby</i> the compliment of his Whu&mdash;u&mdash;u&mdash;or
+interjectional whistle&mdash;&mdash;when the door hastily opening in the
+next chapter but one&mdash;&mdash;put an end to the affair.</p>
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page130" id = "page130">130</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXII" id = "bookIII_chapXII">
+CHAPTER XII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Now</span> don’t let us give ourselves a
+parcel of airs, and pretend that the oaths we make free with in this
+land of liberty of ours are our own; and because we have the spirit to
+swear them,&mdash;&mdash;imagine that we have had the wit to invent them
+too.</p>
+
+<p>I’ll undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the world,
+except to a connoisseur:&mdash;&mdash;though I declare I object only to
+a connoisseur in swearing,&mdash;&mdash;as I would do to a connoisseur
+in painting, &amp;c., &amp;c., the whole set of ’em are so hung round
+and <i>befetish’d</i> with the bobs and trinkets of
+criticism,&mdash;&mdash;or to drop my metaphor, which by the bye is a
+pity,&mdash;&mdash;for I have fetch’d it as far as from the coast of
+<i>Guiney</i>;&mdash;their heads, Sir, are stuck so full of rules and
+compasses, and have that eternal propensity to apply them upon all
+occasions, that a work of genius had better go to the devil at once,
+than stand to be prick’d and tortured to death by ’em.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;And how did <i>Garrick</i> speak the soliloquy last
+night?&mdash;Oh, against all rule, my lord,&mdash;most ungrammatically!
+betwixt the substantive and the adjective, which should agree together
+in <i>number</i>, <i>case</i>, and <i>gender</i>, he made a breach
+thus,&mdash;stopping, as if the point wanted settling;&mdash;and betwixt
+the nominative case, which your lordship knows should govern the verb,
+he suspended his voice in the epilogue a dozen times three seconds and
+three-fifths by a stop-watch, my lord, each time,&mdash;Admirable
+grammarian!&mdash;&mdash;But in suspending his voice&mdash;&mdash;was
+the sense suspended likewise? Did no expression of attitude or
+countenance fill up the chasm?&mdash;&mdash;Was the eye silent? Did you
+narrowly look?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;look’d only at the stop-watch,
+my lord.&mdash;Excellent observer!</p>
+
+<p>And what of this new book the whole world makes such a rout
+about?&mdash;&mdash;Oh! ’tis out of all plumb, my
+lord,&mdash;&mdash;quite an irregular thing!&mdash;not one of the angles
+at the four corners was a right angle.&mdash;I&nbsp;had my rule and
+compasses, &amp;c., my lord, in my pocket.&mdash;Excellent critick!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And for the epick poem your lordship bid me look
+at&mdash;&mdash;upon taking the length, breadth, height, and depth of
+it, and trying them at home upon an exact scale of
+<i>Bossu’s</i>&mdash;&mdash;’tis out, my lord, in every one of its
+dimensions.&mdash;Admirable connoisseur!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And did you step in, to take a look at the grand
+picture in your way back?&mdash;’Tis a melancholy daub! my lord; not one
+principle of the <i>pyramid</i> in any one group!&mdash;&mdash;and what
+a price!&mdash;&mdash;for
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page131" id = "page131">131</a></span>
+there is nothing of the colouring of <i>Titian</i>&mdash;the expression
+of <i>Rubens</i>&mdash;the grace of <i>Raphael</i>&mdash;the purity of
+<i>Dominichino</i>&mdash;the <i>corregiescity</i> of
+<i>Corregio</i>&mdash;the learning of <i>Poussin</i>&mdash;the airs of
+<i>Guido</i>&mdash;the taste of the <i>Carrachis</i>&mdash;or the grand
+contour of <i>Angela</i>.&mdash;Grant me patience, just Heaven!&mdash;Of
+all the cants which are canted in this canting world&mdash;though the
+cant of hypocrites may be the worst&mdash;&mdash;the cant of criticism
+is the most tormenting!</p>
+
+<p>I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not a horse worth riding
+on, to kiss the hand of that man whose generous heart will give up the
+reins of his imagination into his author’s hands&mdash;&mdash;be pleased
+he knows not why, and cares not wherefore.</p>
+
+<p>Great <i>Apollo!</i> if thou art in a giving humour&mdash;give
+me&mdash;I ask no more, but one stroke of native humour, with a single
+spark of thy own fire along with it&mdash;&mdash;and send
+<i>Mercury</i>, with the <i>rules and compasses</i>, if he can be
+spared, with my compliments to&mdash;no matter.</p>
+
+<p>Now to any one else I will undertake to prove, that all the oaths and
+imprecations which we have been puffing off upon the world for these two
+hundred and fifty years last past as originals&mdash;&mdash;except St.
+<i>Paul’s thumb</i>&mdash;&mdash;<i>God’s flesh and God’s fish</i>,
+which were oaths monarchical, and, considering who made them, not much
+amiss; and as kings’ oaths, ’tis not much matter whether they were fish
+or flesh;&mdash;else I say, there is not an oath, or at least a curse
+amongst them, which has not been copied over and over again out of
+<i>Ernulphus</i> a thousand times: but, like all other copies, how
+infinitely short of the force and spirit of the original!&mdash;It is
+thought to be no bad oath&mdash;&mdash;and by itself passes very
+well&mdash;“<i>G&mdash;d damn you.</i>”&mdash;Set it beside
+<i>Ernulphus’s</i>&mdash;&mdash;“God Almighty the Father damn
+you&mdash;God the Son damn you&mdash;God the Holy Ghost damn
+you”&mdash;you see ’tis nothing.&mdash;There is an orientality in his,
+we cannot rise up to: besides, he is more copious in his
+invention&mdash;possess’d more of the excellencies of a
+swearer&mdash;&mdash;had such a thorough knowledge of the human frame,
+its membranes, nerves, ligaments, knittings of the joints, and
+articulations,&mdash;&mdash;that when <i>Ernulphus</i> cursed&mdash;no
+part escaped him.&mdash;’Tis true there is something of a
+<i>hardness</i> in his manner&mdash;&mdash;and, as in <i>Michael
+Angelo</i>, a&nbsp;want of <i>grace</i>&mdash;&mdash;but then there is
+such a greatness of <i>gusto!</i></p>
+
+<p>My father, who generally look’d upon everything in a light very
+different from all mankind, would, after all, never allow this to be an
+original.&mdash;&mdash;He considered rather, <i>Ernulphus’s</i>
+anathema, as an institute of swearing, in which, as he suspected, upon
+the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page132" id = "page132">132</a></span>
+decline of <i>swearing</i> in some milder pontificate, <i>Ernulphus</i>,
+by order of the succeeding pope, had with great learning and diligence
+collected together all the laws of it;&mdash;for the same reason that
+<i>Justinian</i>, in the decline of the empire, had ordered his
+chancellor <i>Tribonian</i> to collect the <i>Roman</i> or civil laws
+all together into one code or digest&mdash;&mdash;lest, through the rust
+of time&mdash;&mdash;and the fatality of all things committed to oral
+tradition&mdash;they should be lost to the world for ever.</p>
+
+<p>For this reason my father would oft-times affirm, there was not an
+oath, from the great and tremendous oath of <i>William</i> the Conqueror
+(<i>By&nbsp;the splendour of God</i>) down to the lowest oath of a
+scavenger (<i>Damn your eyes</i>) which was not to be found in
+<i>Ernulphus</i>.&mdash;In short, he would add&mdash;I&nbsp;defy a man
+to swear <i>out</i> of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>The hypothesis is, like most of my father’s, singular and ingenious
+too;&mdash;&mdash;nor have I any objection to it, but that it overturns
+my own.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXIII" id = "bookIII_chapXIII">
+CHAPTER XIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">Bless</span> my
+soul!&mdash;my poor mistress is ready to faint&mdash;&mdash;and her
+pains are gone&mdash;and the drops are done&mdash;and the bottle of
+julap is broke&mdash;&mdash;and the nurse has cut her arm&mdash;(and I,
+my thumb, cried Dr. <i>Slop</i>,) and the child is where it was,
+continued <i>Susannah</i>,&mdash;and the midwife has fallen backwards
+upon the edge of the fender, and bruised her hip as black as your
+hat.&mdash;I’ll look at it, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>.&mdash;There is no
+need of that, replied <i>Susannah</i>,&mdash;you had better look at my
+mistress&mdash;but the midwife would gladly first give you an account
+how things are, so desires you would go up stairs and speak to her this
+moment.</p>
+
+<p>Human nature is the same in all professions.</p>
+
+<p>The midwife had just before been put over Dr. <i>Slop’s</i>
+head&mdash;He had not digested it,&mdash;No, replied Dr. <i>Slop</i>,
+’twould be full as proper, if the midwife came down to
+me.&mdash;I&nbsp;like subordination, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;and but for it, after the reduction of <i>Lisle</i>,
+I&nbsp;know not what might have become of the garrison of <i>Ghent</i>,
+in the mutiny for bread, in the year Ten.&mdash;Nor, replied Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>, (parodying my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> hobby-horsical
+reflection; though full as hobby-horsical
+himself)&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;do I know, Captain <i>Shandy</i>, what
+might have become of the garrison above stairs, in the mutiny and
+confusion I find all things are in at present, but for the subordination
+of fingers and thumbs to ******&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page133" id = "page133">133</a></span>
+application of which, Sir, under this accident of mine, comes in so <i>Ă 
+propos</i>, that without it, the cut upon my thumb might have been felt
+by the <i>Shandy</i> family, as long as the <i>Shandy</i> family had a
+name.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXIV" id = "bookIII_chapXIV">
+CHAPTER XIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Let</span> us go back to the
+******&mdash;&mdash;in the last chapter.</p>
+
+<p>It is a singular stroke of eloquence (at least it was so, when
+eloquence flourished at <i>Athens</i> and <i>Rome</i>, and would be so
+now, did orators wear mantles) not to mention the name of a thing, when
+you had the thing about you <i>in petto</i>, ready to produce, pop, in
+the place you want it. A&nbsp;scar, an axe, a&nbsp;sword, a&nbsp;pink’d
+doublet, a&nbsp;rusty helmet, a&nbsp;pound and a half of pot-ashes in an
+urn, or a three-halfpenny pickle pot&mdash;but above all, a&nbsp;tender
+infant royally accoutred.&mdash;Tho’ if it was too young, and the
+oration as long as <i>Tully’s</i> second <i>Philippick</i>&mdash;it must
+certainly have beshit the orator’s mantle.&mdash;And then again, if too
+old,&mdash;it must have been unwieldy and incommodious to his
+action&mdash;so as to make him lose by his child almost as much as he
+could gain by it.&mdash;Otherwise, when a state orator has hit the
+precise age to a minute&mdash;&mdash;hid his BAMBINO in his mantle so
+cunningly that no mortal could smell it&mdash;&mdash;and produced it so
+critically, that no soul could say, it came in by head and
+shoulders&mdash;Oh Sirs! it has done wonders&mdash;It has open’d the
+sluices, and turn’d the brains, and shook the principles, and unhinged
+the politicks of half a nation.</p>
+
+<p>These feats however are not to be done, except in those states and
+times, I&nbsp;say, where orators wore mantles&mdash;&mdash;and pretty
+large ones too, my brethren, with some twenty or five-and-twenty yards
+of good purple, superfine, marketable cloth in them&mdash;with large
+flowing folds and doubles, and in a great style of design.&mdash;All
+which plainly shews, may it please your worships, that the decay of
+eloquence, and the little good service it does at present, both within
+and without doors, is owing to nothing else in the world, but short
+coats, and the disuse of <i>trunk-hose</i>.&mdash;&mdash;We can conceal
+nothing under ours, Madam, worth shewing.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXV" id = "bookIII_chapXV">
+CHAPTER XV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Dr</span>. <i>Slop</i> was within an ace of
+being an exception to all this argumentation: for happening to have his
+green bays bag upon
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page134" id = "page134">134</a></span>
+his knees, when he began to parody my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;’twas as
+good as the best mantle in the world to him: for which purpose, when he
+foresaw the sentence would end in his new-invented <i>forceps</i>, he
+thrust his hand into the bag in order to have them ready to clap in,
+when your reverences took so much notice of the ***, which had he
+managed&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> had certainly been overthrown:
+the sentence and the argument in that case jumping closely in one point,
+so like the two lines which form the salient angle of a
+ravelin,&mdash;&mdash;Dr. <i>Slop</i> would never have given them
+up;&mdash;and my uncle <i>Toby</i> would as soon have thought of flying,
+as taking them by force: but Dr. <i>Slop</i> fumbled so vilely in
+pulling them out, it took off the whole effect, and what was a ten times
+worse evil (for they seldom come alone in this life) in pulling out his
+<i>forceps</i>, his <i>forceps</i> unfortunately drew out the
+<i>squirt</i> along with&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>When a proposition can be taken in two senses&mdash;’tis a law in
+disputation, That the respondent may reply to which of the two he
+pleases, or finds most convenient for him.&mdash;&mdash;This threw the
+advantage of the argument quite on my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+side.&mdash;&mdash;“Good God!” cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>, “<i>are
+children brought into the world with a squirt?</i>”</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXVI" id = "bookIII_chapXVI">
+CHAPTER XVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;<span class = "firstword">Upon</span> my honour, Sir, you have
+tore every bit of skin quite off the back of both my hands with your
+forceps, cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;and you have crush’d all my
+knuckles into the bargain with them to a jelly. ’Tis your own fault,
+said Dr. <i>Slop</i>&mdash;&mdash;you should have clinch’d your two
+fists together into the form of a child’s head as I told you, and sat
+firm. I&nbsp;did so, answered my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Then
+the points of my forceps have not been sufficiently arm’d, or the rivet
+wants closing&mdash;or else the cut in my thumb has made me a little
+aukward&mdash;or possibly&mdash;’Tis well, quoth my father, interrupting
+the detail of possibilities&mdash;that the experiment was not first made
+upon my child’s head-piece.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;It would not have been a
+cherry-stone the worse, answered Dr. <i>Slop</i>.&mdash;I&nbsp;maintain
+it, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, it would have broke the cerebellum
+(unless indeed the skull had been as hard as a granado) and turn’d it
+all into a perfect posset.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Pshaw! replied Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>, a&nbsp;child’s head is naturally as soft as the pap of an
+apple;&mdash;the sutures give way&mdash;and besides, I&nbsp;could have
+extracted by the feet after.&mdash;Not you, said
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page135" id = "page135">135</a></span>
+she.&mdash;&mdash;I rather wish you would begin that way, quoth my
+father.</p>
+
+<p>Pray do, added my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXVII" id = "bookIII_chapXVII">
+CHAPTER XVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">And</span> pray, good woman,
+after all, will you take upon you to say, it may not be the child’s hip,
+as well as the child’s head?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’Tis most certainly the
+head, replied the midwife. <ins class = "correction"
+title = ", missing">Because,</ins> continued Dr. <i>Slop</i> (turning to my father)
+as positive as these old ladies generally are&mdash;’tis a point very
+difficult to know&mdash;and yet of the greatest consequence to be
+known;&mdash;&mdash;because, Sir, if the hip is mistaken for the
+head&mdash;there is a possibility (if&nbsp;it is a boy) that the forceps
+*&nbsp;*&nbsp;*&nbsp;*&nbsp;*&nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;What the possibility was, Dr. <i>Slop</i> whispered
+very low to my father, and then to my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;There is no such danger, continued he, with
+the head.&mdash;No, in truth, quoth my father&mdash;but when your
+possibility has taken place at the hip&mdash;you may as well take off
+the head too.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It is morally impossible the reader should understand
+this&mdash;&mdash;’tis enough Dr. <i>Slop</i> understood
+it;&mdash;&mdash;so taking the green bays bag in his hand, with the help
+of <i>Obadiah’s</i> pumps, he tripp’d pretty nimbly, for a man of his
+size, across the room to the door&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and from the door
+was shewn the way, by the good old midwife, to my mother’s
+apartments.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXVIII" id = "bookIII_chapXVIII">
+CHAPTER XVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> is two hours, and ten
+minutes&mdash;and no more&mdash;cried my father, looking at his watch,
+since Dr. <i>Slop</i> and <i>Obadiah</i> arrived&mdash;and I know not
+how it happens, brother <i>Toby</i>&mdash;but to my imagination it seems
+almost an age.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Here&mdash;pray, Sir, take hold of my cap&mdash;nay,
+take the bell along with it, and my pantoufles too.</p>
+
+<p>Now, Sir, they are all at your service; and I freely make you a
+present of ’em, on condition you give me all your attention to this
+chapter.</p>
+
+<p>Though my father said, “<i>he knew not how it
+happen’d</i>,”&mdash;yet he knew very well how it
+happen’d;&mdash;&mdash;and at the instant he spoke it, was
+pre-determined in his mind to give my uncle <i>Toby</i> a clear account
+of the matter by a metaphysical dissertation upon the subject of
+<i>duration and its simple modes</i>, in order to
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page136" id = "page136">136</a></span>
+shew my uncle <i>Toby</i> by what mechanism and mensurations in the
+brain it came to pass, that the rapid succession of their ideas, and the
+eternal scampering of the discourse from one thing to another, since Dr.
+<i>Slop</i> had come into the room, had lengthened out so short a period
+to so inconceivable an extent.&mdash;&mdash;“I&nbsp;know not how it
+happens&mdash;cried my father,&mdash;but it seems an age.”</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis owing entirely, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, to the
+succession of our ideas.</p>
+
+<p>My father, who had an itch, in common with all philosophers, of
+reasoning upon everything which happened, and accounting for it
+too&mdash;proposed infinite pleasure to himself in this, of the
+succession of ideas, and had not the least apprehension of having it
+snatch’d out of his hands by my uncle <i>Toby</i>, who (honest man!)
+generally took everything as it happened;&mdash;&mdash;and who, of all
+things in the world, troubled his brain the least with abstruse
+thinking;&mdash;the ideas of time and space&mdash;or how we came by
+those ideas&mdash;or of what stuff they were made&mdash;&mdash;or
+whether they were born with us&mdash;or we picked them up afterwards as
+we went along&mdash;or whether we did it in frocks&mdash;&mdash;or not
+till we had got into breeches&mdash;with a thousand other inquiries and
+disputes about <span class = "smallroman">INFINITY</span>, <span class =
+"smallroman">PRESCIENCE</span>, <span class =
+"smallroman">LIBERTY</span>, <span class =
+"smallroman">NECESSITY</span>, and so forth, upon whose desperate and
+unconquerable theories so many fine heads have been turned and
+cracked&mdash;&mdash;never did my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> the least injury
+at all; my father knew it&mdash;and was no less surprized than he was
+disappointed, with my uncle’s fortuitous solution.</p>
+
+<p>Do you understand the theory of that affair? replied my father.</p>
+
+<p>Not I, quoth my uncle.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;But you have some ideas, said my father, of what you talk
+about?&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>No more than my horse, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Gracious heaven! cried my father, looking upwards, and clasping his
+two hands together&mdash;&mdash;there is a worth in thy honest
+ignorance, brother <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;’twere almost a pity to
+exchange it for a knowledge.&mdash;But I’ll tell <span class =
+"locked">thee.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>To understand what <i>time</i> is aright, without which we never can
+comprehend <i>infinity</i>, insomuch as one is a portion of the
+other&mdash;&mdash;we ought seriously to sit down and consider what idea
+it is we have of <i>duration</i>, so as to give a satisfactory account
+how we came by it.&mdash;&mdash;What is that to anybody? quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>. <a class = "tag" name = "tag_3_3" id = "tag_3_3" href =
+"#note_3_3">3</a><i>For if you will turn your eyes inwards upon your
+mind</i>, continued my father, <i>and observe attentively, you will
+perceive,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page137" id = "page137">137</a></span>
+brother, that whilst you and I are talking together, and thinking, and
+smoking our pipes, or whilst we receive successively ideas in our minds,
+we know that we do exist, and so we estimate the existence, or the
+continuation of the existence of ourselves, or anything else,
+commensurate to the succession of any ideas in our minds, the duration
+of ourselves, or any such other thing co-existing with our
+thinking&mdash;&mdash;and so according to that
+preconceived</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;You puzzle me to death, cried my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’Tis owing to this, replied my father, that in
+our computations of <i>time</i>, we are so used to minutes, hours,
+weeks, and months&mdash;&mdash;and of clocks (I&nbsp;wish there was not
+a clock in the kingdom) to measure out their several portions to us, and
+to those who belong to us&mdash;&mdash;that ’twill be well, if in time
+to come, the <i>succession of our ideas</i> be of any use or service to
+us at all.</p>
+
+<p>Now, whether we observe it or no, continued my father, in every sound
+man’s head, there is a regular succession of ideas of one sort or other,
+which follow each other in train just
+like&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;train of artillery? said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;train of a fiddle-stick!&mdash;quoth my
+father&mdash;which follow and succeed one another in our minds at
+certain distances, just like the images in the inside of a lanthorn
+turned round by the heat of a candle.&mdash;I&nbsp;declare, quoth my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, mine are more like a
+smoak-jack.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Then, brother <i>Toby</i>, I&nbsp;have
+nothing more to say to you upon that subject, said my father.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXIX" id = "bookIII_chapXIX">
+CHAPTER XIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">What</span> a conjecture was
+here lost!&mdash;&mdash;My father in one of his best explanatory
+moods&mdash;in eager pursuit of a metaphysical point into the very
+regions, where clouds and thick darkness would soon have encompassed it
+about;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> in one of the finest dispositions for
+it in the world;&mdash;his head like a smoak-jack;&mdash;&mdash;the
+funnel unswept, and the ideas whirling round and round about in it, all
+obfuscated and darkened over with fuliginous matter!&mdash;By the
+tomb-stone of <i>Lucian</i>&mdash;&mdash;if it is in
+being&mdash;&mdash;if not, why then by his ashes! by the ashes of my
+dear <i>Rabelais</i>, and dearer
+<i>Cervantes!</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;my father and my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> discourse upon <span class = "smallroman">TIME</span> and
+<span class = "smallroman">ETERNITY</span>&mdash;&mdash;was a discourse
+devoutly to be wished for! and the petulancy of my father’s humour, in
+putting a stop to it as he did, was a robbery of the <i>Ontologic
+Treasury</i> of such a jewel, as no coalition of great occasions and
+great men are ever likely to restore to it again.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page138" id = "page138">138</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXX" id = "bookIII_chapXX">
+CHAPTER XX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Tho</span>’ my father persisted in not
+going on with the discourse&mdash;yet he could not get my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> smoak-jack out of his head&mdash;piqued as he was at first
+with it;&mdash;there was something in the comparison at the bottom,
+which hit his fancy; for which purpose, resting his elbow upon the
+table, and reclining the right side of his head upon the palm of his
+hand&mdash;&mdash;but looking first stedfastly in the
+fire&mdash;&mdash;he began to commune with himself, and philosophize
+about it: but his spirits being wore out with the fatigues of
+investigating new tracts, and the constant exertion of his faculties
+upon that variety of subjects which had taken their turn in the
+discourse&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;the idea of the smoak-jack soon turned all
+his ideas upside down&mdash;so that he fell asleep almost before he knew
+what he was about.</p>
+
+<p>As for my uncle <i>Toby</i>, his smoak-jack had not made a dozen
+revolutions, before he fell asleep also.&mdash;&mdash;Peace be with them
+both!&mdash;&mdash;Dr. <i>Slop</i> is engaged with the midwife and my
+mother above stairs.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim</i> is busy in turning an old
+pair of jackboots into a couple of mortars, to be employed in the siege
+of <i>Messina</i> next summer&mdash;and is this instant boring the
+touch-holes with the point of a hot poker.&mdash;&mdash;All my heroes
+are off my hands;&mdash;’tis the first time I have had a moment to
+spare&mdash;and I’ll make use of it, and write my preface.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_preface" id = "bookIII_preface">
+THE AUTHOR’S PREFACE</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">No</span>, I’ll not say a word about
+it&mdash;&mdash;here it is;&mdash;in publishing it&mdash;I&nbsp;have
+appealed to the world&mdash;&mdash;and to the world I leave it;&mdash;it
+must speak for itself.</p>
+
+<p>All I know of the matter is&mdash;when I sat down, my intent was to
+write a good book; and as far as the tenuity of my understanding would
+hold out&mdash;a&nbsp;wise, aye, and a discreet&mdash;taking care only,
+as I went along, to put into it all the wit and the judgment (be&nbsp;it
+more or less) which the great Author and Bestower of them had thought
+fit originally to give me&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;so that, as your worships
+see&mdash;’tis just as God pleases.</p>
+
+<p>Now, <i>Agelastes</i> (speaking dispraisingly) sayeth, That there may
+be some wit in it, for aught he knows&mdash;&mdash;but no judgment at
+all. And <i>Triptolemus</i> and <i>Phutatorius</i> agreeing thereto,
+ask, How is it possible there should? for that wit and judgment in
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page139" id = "page139">139</a></span>
+this world never go together; inasmuch as they are two operations
+differing from each other as wide as east from
+west&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;So, says <i>Locke</i>&mdash;&mdash;so are
+farting and hickuping, say&nbsp;I. But in answer to this, <i>Didius</i>
+the great church lawyer, in his code <i>de fartendi et illustrandi
+fallaciis</i>, doth maintain and make fully appear, That an illustration
+is no argument&mdash;&mdash;nor do I maintain the wiping of a
+looking-glass clean to be a syllogism;&mdash;&mdash;but you all, may it
+please your worships, see the better for it&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;so that
+the main good these things do is only to clarify the understanding,
+previous to the application of the argument itself, in order to free it
+from any little motes, or specks of opacular matter, which, if left
+swimming therein, might hinder a conception and spoil all.</p>
+
+<p>Now, my dear anti-Shandeans, and thrice able criticks, and
+fellow-labourers (for to you I write this
+Preface)&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and to you, most subtle statesmen and
+discreet doctors (do&mdash;pull off your beards) renowned for gravity
+and wisdom;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Monopolus</i>, my
+politician&mdash;<i>Didius</i>, my counsel; <i>Kysarcius</i>, my
+friend;&mdash;<i>Phutatorius</i>, my
+guide;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Gastripheres</i>, the preserver of my life;
+<i>Somnolentius</i>, the balm and repose of it&mdash;&mdash;not
+forgetting all others, as well sleeping as waking, ecclesiastical as
+civil, whom for brevity, but out of no resentment to you, I&nbsp;lump
+all together.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Believe me, right worthy,</p>
+
+<p>My most zealous wish and fervent prayer in your behalf, and in my own
+too, in case the thing is not done already for us&mdash;&mdash;is, that
+the great gifts and endowments both of wit and judgment, with everything
+which usually goes along with them&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;such as memory,
+fancy, genius, eloquence, quick parts, and what not, may this precious
+moment, without stint or measure, let or hindrance, be poured down warm
+as each of us could bear it&mdash;scum and sediment and all (for I would
+not have a drop lost) into the several receptacles, cells, cellules,
+domiciles, dormitories, refectories, and spare places of our
+brains&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;in such sort, that they might continue to be
+injected and tunn’d into, according to the true intent and meaning of my
+wish, until every vessel of them, both great and small, be so
+replenish’d, saturated, and filled up therewith, that no more, would it
+save a man’s life, could possibly be got either in or out.</p>
+
+<p>Bless us!&mdash;what noble work we should make!&mdash;&mdash;how
+should I tickle it off!&mdash;&mdash;and what spirits should I find
+myself in, to be writing away for such readers!&mdash;&mdash;and
+you&mdash;just heaven!&mdash;&mdash;with what raptures would you sit and
+read&mdash;but oh!&mdash;’tis too much&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am
+sick&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;faint away deliciously at the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page140" id = "page140">140</a></span>
+thoughts of it&mdash;’tis more than nature can bear!&mdash;lay hold of
+me&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am giddy&mdash;I&nbsp;am stone blind&mdash;I’m
+dying&mdash;I&nbsp;am gone.&mdash;Help! Help! Help!&mdash;But
+hold&mdash;I&nbsp;grow something better again, for I am beginning to
+foresee, when this is over, that as we shall all of us continue to be
+great wits&mdash;we should never agree amongst ourselves, one day to an
+end:&mdash;&mdash;there would be so much satire and
+sarcasm&mdash;&mdash;scoffing and flouting, with raillying and
+reparteeing of it&mdash;thrusting and parrying in one corner or
+another&mdash;&mdash;there would be nothing but mischief among
+us&mdash;&mdash;Chaste stars! what biting and scratching, and what a
+racket and a clatter we should make, what with breaking of heads,
+rapping of knuckles, and hitting of sore places&mdash;there would be no
+such thing as living for&nbsp;us.</p>
+
+<p>But then again, as we should all of us be men of great judgment, we
+should make up matters as fast as ever they went wrong; and though we
+should abominate each other ten times worse than so many devils or
+devilesses, we should nevertheless, my dear creatures, be all courtesy
+and kindness, milk and honey&mdash;’twould be a second land of
+promise&mdash;a&nbsp;paradise upon earth, if there was such a thing to
+be had&mdash;so that upon the whole we should have done well enough.</p>
+
+<p>All I fret and fume at, and what most distresses my invention at
+present, is how to bring the point itself to bear; for as your worships
+well know, that of these heavenly emanations of <i>wit</i> and
+<i>judgment</i>, which I have so bountifully wished both for your
+worships and myself&mdash;there is but a certain <i>quantum</i> stored
+up for us all, for the use and behoof of the whole race of mankind; and
+such small <i>modicums</i> of ’em are only sent forth into this wide
+world, circulating here and there in one bye corner or another&mdash;and
+in such narrow streams, and at such prodigious intervals from each
+other, that one would wonder how it holds out, or could be sufficient
+for the wants and emergencies of so many great estates, and populous
+empires.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed there is one thing to be considered, that in <i>Nova
+Zembla</i>, <i>North Lapland</i>, and in all those cold and dreary
+tracts of the globe, which lie more directly under the arctick and
+antarctick circles, where the whole province of a man’s concernments
+lies for near nine months together within the narrow compass of his
+cave&mdash;where the spirits are compressed almost to nothing&mdash;and
+where the passions of a man, with everything which belongs to them, are
+as frigid as the zone itself&mdash;there the least quantity of
+<i>judgment</i> imaginable does the business&mdash;and of
+<i>wit</i>&mdash;&mdash;there is a total and an absolute
+saving&mdash;for as
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page141" id = "page141">141</a></span>
+not one spark is wanted&mdash;so not one spark is given. Angels and
+ministers of grace defend us! what a dismal thing would it have been to
+have governed a kingdom, to have fought a battle, or made a treaty, or
+run a match, or wrote a book, or got a child, or held a provincial
+chapter there, with so <i>plentiful a lack</i> of wit and judgment about
+us! For mercy’s sake, let us think no more about it, but travel on as
+fast as we can southwards into <i>Norway</i>&mdash;crossing over
+<i>Swedeland</i>, if you please, through the small triangular province
+of <i>Angermania</i> to the lake of <i>Bothnia</i>; coasting along it
+through east and west <i>Bothnia</i>, down to <i>Carelia</i>, and so on,
+through all those states and provinces which border upon the far side of
+the <i>Gulf of Finland</i>, and the north-east of the <i>Baltick</i>, up
+to <i>Petersbourg</i>, and just stepping into <i>Ingria</i>;&mdash;then
+stretching over directly from thence through the north parts of the
+<i>Russian</i> empire&mdash;leaving <i>Siberia</i> a little upon the
+left hand, till we got into the very heart of <i>Russian</i> and
+<i>Asiatick Tartary</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Now throughout this long tour which I have led you, you observe the
+good people are better off by far, than in the polar countries which we
+have just left:&mdash;for if you hold your hand over your eyes, and look
+very attentively, you may perceive some small glimmerings (as&nbsp;it
+were) of wit, with a comfortable provision of good plain
+<i>household</i> judgment, which, taking the quality and quantity of it
+together, they make a very good shift with&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and had
+they more of either the one or the other, it would destroy the proper
+balance betwixt them, and I am satisfied moreover they would want
+occasions to put them to use.</p>
+
+<p>Now, Sir, if I conduct you home again into this warmer and more
+luxuriant island, where you perceive the spring-tide of our blood and
+humours runs high&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;where we have more ambition, and
+pride, and envy, and lechery, and other whoreson passions upon our hands
+to govern and subject to reason&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;the <i>height</i> of
+our wit, and the <i>depth</i> of our judgment, you see, are exactly
+proportioned to the <i>length</i> and <i>breadth</i> of our
+necessities&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and accordingly we have them sent down
+amongst us in such a flowing kind of descent and creditable plenty, that
+no one thinks he has any cause to complain.</p>
+
+<p>It must however be confessed on this head, that, as our air blows hot
+and cold&mdash;wet and dry, ten times in a day, we have them in no
+regular and settled way;&mdash;so that sometimes for near half a century
+together, there shall be very little wit or judgment either to be seen
+or heard of amongst us:&mdash;&mdash;the small channels
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page142" id = "page142">142</a></span>
+of them shall seem quite dried up&mdash;&mdash;then all of a sudden the
+sluices shall break out, and take a fit of running again like
+fury&mdash;&mdash;you would think they would never
+stop:&mdash;&mdash;and then it is, that in writing, and fighting, and
+twenty other gallant things, we drive all the world before&nbsp;us.</p>
+
+<p>It is by these observations, and a wary reasoning by analogy in that
+kind of argumentative process, which <i>Suidas</i> calls <i>dialectick
+induction</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;that I draw and set up this position
+as most true and veritable;</p>
+
+<p>That of these two luminaries so much of their irradiations are
+suffered from time to time to shine down upon us, as he, whose infinite
+wisdom which dispenses everything in exact weight and measure, knows
+will just serve to light us on our way in this night of our obscurity;
+so that your reverences and worships now find out, nor is it a moment
+longer in my power to conceal it from you, That the fervent wish in your
+behalf with which I set out, was no more than the first insinuating
+<i>How d’ye</i> of a caressing prefacer, stifling his reader, as a lover
+sometimes does a coy mistress, into silence. For alas! could this
+effusion of light have been as easily procured, as the exordium wished
+it&mdash;I&nbsp;tremble to think how many thousands for it, of benighted
+travellers (in&nbsp;the learned sciences at least) must have groped and
+blundered on in the dark, all the nights of their
+lives&mdash;&mdash;running their heads against posts, and knocking out
+their brains without ever getting to their journies
+end;&mdash;&mdash;some falling with their noses perpendicularly into
+sinks&mdash;&mdash;others horizontally with their tails into kennels.
+Here one half of a learned profession tilting full but against the other
+half of it, and then tumbling and rolling one over the other in the dirt
+like hogs.&mdash;Here the brethren of another profession, who should
+have run in opposition to each other, flying on the contrary like a
+flock of wild geese, all in a row the same way.&mdash;What
+confusion!&mdash;what mistakes!&mdash;&mdash;fiddlers and painters
+judging by their eyes and ears&mdash;admirable!&mdash;trusting to the
+passions excited&mdash;in an air sung, or a story painted to the
+heart&mdash;&mdash;instead of measuring them by a quadrant.</p>
+
+<p>In the fore-ground of this picture, a <i>statesman</i> turning the
+political wheel, like a brute, the wrong way
+round&mdash;&mdash;<i>against</i> the stream of corruption&mdash;by
+Heaven!&mdash;&mdash;instead of <i>with</i>&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>In this corner, a son of the divine <i>Esculapius</i>, writing a book
+against predestination; perhaps worse&mdash;feeling his patient’s pulse,
+instead of his apothecary’s&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;brother of the Faculty
+in the back-ground upon his knees in tears&mdash;drawing the curtains
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page143" id = "page143">143</a></span>
+of a mangled victim to beg his forgiveness;&mdash;offering a
+fee&mdash;instead of taking one.</p>
+
+<p>In that spacious <span class = "smallroman">HALL</span>, a coalition
+of the gown, from all the bars of it, driving a damn’d, dirty, vexatious
+cause before them, with all their might and main, the wrong
+way!&mdash;&mdash;kicking it <i>out</i> of the great doors, instead of
+<i>in</i>&mdash;&mdash;and with such fury in their looks, and such a
+degree of inveteracy in their manner of kicking it, as if the laws had
+been originally made for the peace and preservation of
+mankind:&mdash;&mdash;perhaps a more enormous mistake committed by them
+still&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;litigated point fairly hung
+up;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;for instance, Whether <i>John o’Nokes</i> his
+nose could stand in <i>Tom o’Stiles</i> his face, without a trespass, or
+not&mdash;rashly determined by them in five-and-twenty minutes, which,
+with the cautious pros and cons required in so intricate a proceeding,
+might have taken up as many months&mdash;&mdash;and if carried on upon a
+military plan, as your honours know an <span class =
+"smallroman">ACTION</span> should be, with all the stratagems
+practicable therein,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;such as
+feints,&mdash;&mdash;forced
+marches,&mdash;&mdash;surprizes&mdash;&mdash;ambuscades&mdash;&mdash;mask-batteries,
+and a thousand other strokes of generalship, which consist in catching
+at all advantages on both sides&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;might reasonably
+have lasted them as many years, finding food and raiment all that term
+for a centumvirate of the profession.</p>
+
+<p>As for the Clergy&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;No&mdash;&mdash;if I say a word
+against them, I’ll be shot.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have no
+desire;&mdash;and besides, if I had&mdash;I&nbsp;durst not for my soul
+touch upon the subject&mdash;&mdash;with such weak nerves and spirits,
+and in the condition I am in at present, ’twould be as much as my life
+was worth, to deject and contrist myself with so bad and melancholy an
+account&mdash;and therefore ’tis safer to draw a curtain across, and
+hasten from it, as fast as I can, to the main and principal point I have
+undertaken to clear up&mdash;&mdash;and that is, How it comes to pass,
+that your men of least <i>wit</i> are reported to be men of most
+judgment.&mdash;&mdash;But mark&mdash;I&nbsp;say, <i>reported to
+be</i>&mdash;for it is no more, my dear Sirs, than a report, and which,
+like twenty others taken up every day upon trust, I&nbsp;maintain to be
+a vile and a malicious report into the bargain.</p>
+
+<p>This by the help of the observation already premised, and I hope
+already weighed and perpended by your reverences and worships,
+I&nbsp;shall forthwith make appear.</p>
+
+<p>I hate set dissertations&mdash;&mdash;and above all things in the
+world, ’tis one of the silliest things in one of them, to darken your
+hypothesis by placing a number of tall, opake words, one before another,
+in a right line, betwixt your own and your reader’s
+conception&mdash;when in all likelihood, if you had looked about, you
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page144" id = "page144">144</a></span>
+might have seen something standing, or hanging up, which would have
+cleared the point at once&mdash;“for what hindrance, hurt, or harm doth
+the laudable desire of knowledge bring to any man, if even from a sot,
+a&nbsp;pot, a&nbsp;fool, a&nbsp;stool, a&nbsp;winter-mittain,
+a&nbsp;truckle for a pully, the lid of a goldsmith’s crucible, an oil
+bottle, an old slipper, or a cane chair?”&mdash;I&nbsp;am this moment
+sitting upon one. Will you give me leave to illustrate this affair of
+wit and judgment, by the two knobs on the top of the back of
+it?&mdash;they are fastened on, you see, with two pegs stuck slightly
+into two gimlet-holes, and will place what I have to say in so clear a
+light, as to let you see through the drift and meaning of my whole
+preface, as plainly as if every point and particle of it was made up of
+sun-beams.</p>
+
+<p>I enter now directly upon the point.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Here stands <i>wit</i>&mdash;and there stands <i>judgment</i>,
+close beside it, just like the two knobs I’m speaking of, upon the back
+of this self-same chair on which I am sitting.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;You see, they are the highest and most ornamental parts of its
+<i>frame</i>&mdash;as wit and judgment are of <i>ours</i>&mdash;and like
+them too, indubitably both made and fitted to go together, in order, as
+we say in all such cases of duplicated
+embellishments&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;<i>to answer one
+another</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Now for the sake of an experiment, and for the clearer illustrating
+this matter&mdash;let us for a moment take off one of these two curious
+ornaments (I&nbsp;care not which) from the point or pinnacle of the
+chair it now stands on&mdash;nay, don’t laugh at it,&mdash;but did you
+ever see, in the whole course of your lives, such a ridiculous business
+as this has made of it?&mdash;Why, ’tis as miserable a sight as a sow
+with one ear; and there is just as much sense and symmetry in the one as
+in the other:&mdash;&mdash;do&mdash;&mdash;pray, get off your seats only
+to take a view of it.&mdash;&mdash;Now would any man who valued his
+character a straw, have turned a piece of work out of his hand in such a
+condition?&mdash;nay, lay your hands upon your hearts, and answer this
+plain question, Whether this one single knob, which now stands here like
+a blockhead by itself, can serve any purpose upon earth, but to put one
+in mind of the want of the other?&mdash;and let me farther ask, in case
+the chair was your own, if you would not in your consciences think,
+rather than be as it is, that it would be ten times better without any
+knob at all?</p>
+
+<p>Now these two knobs&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;or top ornaments of the mind
+of man, which crown the whole entablature&mdash;&mdash;being, as I said,
+wit and judgment, which of all others, as I have proved it, are
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page145" id = "page145">145</a></span>
+the most needful&mdash;&mdash;the most priz’d&mdash;the most calamitous
+to be without, and consequently the hardest to come at&mdash;for all
+these reasons put together, there is not a mortal among us, so destitute
+of a love of good fame or feeding&mdash;&mdash;or so ignorant of what
+will do him good therein&mdash;who does not wish and stedfastly resolve
+in his own mind, to be, or to be thought at least, master of the one or
+the other, and indeed of both of them, if the thing seems any way
+feasible, or likely to be brought to pass.</p>
+
+<p>Now your graver gentry having little or no kind of chance in aiming
+at the one&mdash;unless they laid hold of the other,&mdash;&mdash;pray
+what do you think would become of them?&mdash;&mdash;Why, Sirs, in spite
+of all their <i>gravities</i>, they must e’en have been contented to
+have gone with their insides naked&mdash;&mdash;this was not to be
+borne, but by an effort of philosophy not to be supposed in the case we
+are upon&mdash;&mdash;so that no one could well have been angry with
+them, had they been satisfied with what little they could have snatched
+up and secreted under their cloaks and great perriwigs, had they not
+raised a <i>hue</i> and <i>cry</i> at the same time against the lawful
+owners.</p>
+
+<p>I need not tell your worships, that this was done with so much
+cunning and artifice&mdash;&mdash;that the great <i>Locke</i>, who was
+seldom outwitted by false sounds&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;was nevertheless
+bubbled here. The cry, it seems, was so deep and solemn a one, and what
+with the help of great wigs, grave faces, and other implements of
+deceit, was rendered so general a one against the <i>poor wits</i> in
+this matter, that the philosopher himself was deceived by it&mdash;it
+was his glory to free the world from the lumber of a thousand vulgar
+errors;&mdash;&mdash;but this was not of the number; so that instead of
+sitting down coolly, as such a philosopher should have done, to have
+examined the matter of fact before he philosophised upon
+it&mdash;&mdash;on the contrary he took the fact for granted, and so
+joined in with the cry, and halloo’d it as boisterously as the rest.</p>
+
+<p>This has been made the <i>Magna Charta</i> of stupidity ever
+since&mdash;&mdash;but your reverences plainly see, it has been obtained
+in such a manner, that the title to it is not worth a
+groat:&mdash;&mdash;which by the bye is one of the many and vile
+impositions which gravity and grave folks have to answer for
+hereafter.</p>
+
+<p>As for great wigs, upon which I may be thought to have spoken my mind
+too freely&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;beg leave to qualify whatever has
+been unguardedly said to their dispraise or prejudice, by one general
+declaration&mdash;&mdash;That I have no abhorrence whatever, nor do I
+detest and abjure either great wigs or long beards,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page146" id = "page146">146</a></span>
+any farther than when I see they are bespoke and let grow on purpose to
+carry on this self-same imposture&mdash;for any
+purpose&mdash;&mdash;peace be with them!&mdash;<img src =
+"images/finger.gif" width = "30" height = "13" alt = "--&gt;" /> mark
+only&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;write not for them.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXI" id = "bookIII_chapXXI">
+CHAPTER XXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Every</span> day for at least ten years
+together did my father resolve to have it mended&mdash;’tis not mended
+yet;&mdash;no family but ours would have borne with it an
+hour&mdash;&mdash;and what is most astonishing, there was not a subject
+in the world upon which my father was so eloquent, as upon that of
+door-hinges.&mdash;&mdash;And yet at the same time, he was certainly one
+of the greatest bubbles to them, I&nbsp;think, that history can produce:
+his rhetorick and conduct were at perpetual handy-cuffs.&mdash;Never did
+the parlour-door open&mdash;but his philosophy or his principles fell a
+victim to it;&mdash;&mdash;three drops of oil with a feather, and a
+smart stroke of a hammer, had saved his honour for ever.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Inconsistent soul that man is!&mdash;&mdash;languishing
+under wounds, which he has the power to heal!&mdash;his whole life a
+contradiction to his knowledge!&mdash;his reason, that precious gift of
+God to him&mdash;(instead of pouring in oil) serving but to sharpen his
+sensibilities&mdash;to multiply his pains, and render him more
+melancholy and uneasy under them&mdash;Poor unhappy creature, that he
+should do so!&mdash;&mdash;Are not the necessary causes of misery in
+this life enow, but he must add voluntary ones to his stock of
+sorrow;&mdash;struggle against evils which cannot be avoided, and submit
+to others, which a tenth part of the trouble they create him would
+remove from his heart for ever?</p>
+
+<p>By all that is good and virtuous, if there are three drops of oil to
+be got, and a hammer to be found within ten miles of <i>Shandy
+Hall</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;the parlour door hinge shall be mended this
+reign.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXII" id = "bookIII_chapXXII">
+CHAPTER XXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> Corporal <i>Trim</i> had
+brought his two mortars to bear, he was delighted with his handy-work
+above measure; and knowing what a pleasure it would be to his master to
+see them, he was not able to resist the desire he had of carrying them
+directly into his parlour.</p>
+
+<p>Now next to the moral lesson I had in view in mentioning
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page147" id = "page147">147</a></span>
+the affair of <i>hinges</i>, I had a speculative consideration arising
+out of it, and it is this.</p>
+
+<p>Had the parlour door opened and turn’d upon its hinges, as a door
+should <span class = "locked">do&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Or for example, as cleverly as our government has been turning upon
+its hinges&mdash;&mdash;(that is, in case things have all along gone
+well with your worship,&mdash;otherwise I give up my simile)&mdash;in
+this case, I&nbsp;say, there had been no danger either to master or man,
+in Corporal <i>Trim’s</i> peeping in: the moment he had beheld my father
+and my uncle <i>Toby</i> fast asleep&mdash;the respectfulness of his
+carriage was such, he would have retired as silent as death, and left
+them both in their arm-chairs, dreaming as happy as he had found them:
+but the thing was, morally speaking, so very impracticable, that for the
+many years in which this hinge was suffered to be out of order, and
+amongst the hourly grievances my father submitted to upon its
+account&mdash;this was one; that he never folded his arms to take his
+nap after dinner, but the thoughts of being unavoidably awakened by the
+first person who should open the door, was always uppermost in his
+imagination, and so incessantly stepp’d in betwixt him and the first
+balmy presage of his repose, as to rob him, as he often declared, of the
+whole sweets of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>“<i>When things move upon bad hinges</i>, an’ please your lordships,
+<i>how can it be otherwise?</i>”</p>
+
+<p>Pray what’s the matter? Who is there? cried my father, waking, the
+moment the door began to creak.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish the smith would
+give a peep at that confounded hinge.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis nothing, an’
+please your honour, said <i>Trim</i>, but two mortars I am bringing
+in.&mdash;They shan’t make a clatter with them here, cried my father
+hastily.&mdash;If Dr. <i>Slop</i> has any drugs to pound, let him do it
+in the kitchen.&mdash;May it please your honour, cried <i>Trim</i>, they
+are two mortar-pieces for a siege next summer, which I have been making
+out of a pair of jack-boots, which <i>Obadiah</i> told me your honour
+had left off wearing.&mdash;By Heaven! cried my father, springing out of
+his chair, as he swore&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have not one appointment
+belonging to me, which I set so much store by as I do by these
+jack-boots&mdash;&mdash;they were our great grandfather’s, brother
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;they were <i>hereditary</i>. Then I fear, quoth my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, <i>Trim</i> has cut off the entail.&mdash;I&nbsp;have
+only cut off the tops, an’ please your honour, cried
+<i>Trim</i>&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;hate <i>perpetuities</i> as much as any
+man alive, cried my father&mdash;&mdash;but these jack-boots, continued
+he (smiling, though very angry at the same time) have been in the
+family, brother, ever since the civil wars;&mdash;&mdash;Sir
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page148" id = "page148">148</a></span>
+<i>Roger Shandy</i> wore them at the battle of
+<i>Marston-Moor</i>.&mdash;I declare I would not have taken ten pounds
+for them.&mdash;&mdash;I’ll pay you the money, brother <i>Shandy</i>,
+quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, looking at the two mortars with infinite
+pleasure, and putting his hand into his breeches pocket as he viewed
+them&mdash;&mdash;I’ll pay you the ten pounds this moment with all my
+heart and <span class = "locked">soul.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Brother <i>Toby</i>, replied my father, altering his tone, you care
+not what money you dissipate and throw away, provided, continued he,
+’tis but upon a <span class =
+"smallroman">SIEGE</span>.&mdash;&mdash;Have I not one hundred and
+twenty pounds a year, besides my half pay? cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;What is that&mdash;replied my father hastily&mdash;to
+ten pounds for a pair of jack-boots?&mdash;twelve guineas for your
+<i>pontoons?</i>&mdash;half as much for your <i>Dutch</i>
+draw-bridge?&mdash;to say nothing of the train of little brass artillery
+you bespoke last week, with twenty other preparations for the siege of
+<i>Messina</i>: believe me, dear brother <i>Toby</i>, continued my
+father, taking him kindly by the hand&mdash;these military operations of
+yours are above your strength;&mdash;you mean well,
+brother&mdash;&mdash;but they carry you into greater expences than you
+were first aware of;&mdash;and take my word, dear <i>Toby</i>, they will
+in the end quite ruin your fortune, and make a beggar of you.&mdash;What
+signifies it if they do, brother, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>, so long
+as we know ’tis for the good of the <span class =
+"locked">nation?&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My father could not help smiling for his soul&mdash;his anger at the
+worst was never more than a spark;&mdash;and the zeal and simplicity of
+<i>Trim</i>&mdash;and the generous (though hobby-horsical) gallantry of
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>, brought him into perfect good humour with them in
+an instant.</p>
+
+<p>Generous souls!&mdash;God prosper you both, and your mortar-pieces
+too! quoth my father to himself.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXIII" id = "bookIII_chapXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">All</span> is quiet and hush, cried my
+father, at least above stairs&mdash;I&nbsp;hear not one foot
+stirring.&mdash;Prithee, <i>Trim</i>, who’s in the kitchen? There is no
+one soul in the kitchen, answered <i>Trim</i>, making a low bow as he
+spoke, except Dr. <i>Slop</i>.&mdash;Confusion! cried my father (getting
+up upon his legs a second time)&mdash;not one single thing was gone
+right this day! had I faith in astrology, brother (which, by the bye, my
+father had), I&nbsp;would have sworn some retrograde planet was hanging
+over this unfortunate house of mine, and turning every individual thing
+in it out of its place.&mdash;&mdash;Why,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page149" id = "page149">149</a></span>
+I thought Dr. <i>Slop</i> had been above stairs with my wife, and so
+said you.&mdash;&mdash;What can the fellow be puzzling about in the
+kitchen!&mdash;He is busy, an’ please your honour, replied <i>Trim</i>,
+in making a bridge.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis very obliging in him, quoth my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>:&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;pray, give my humble service to
+Dr. <i>Slop</i>, <i>Trim</i>, and tell him I thank him heartily.</p>
+
+<p>You must know, my uncle <i>Toby</i> mistook the bridge&mdash;as
+widely as my father mistook the mortars;&mdash;&mdash;but to understand
+how my uncle <i>Toby</i> could mistake the bridge&mdash;I&nbsp;fear I
+must give you an exact account of the road which led to it;&mdash;or to
+drop my metaphor (for there is nothing more dishonest in an historian
+than the use of one)&mdash;&mdash;in order to conceive the probability
+of this error in my uncle <i>Toby</i> aright, I&nbsp;must give you some
+account of an adventure of <i>Trim’s</i>, though much against my will,
+I&nbsp;say much against my will, only because the story, in one sense,
+is certainly out of its place here; for by right it should come in,
+either amongst the anecdotes of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> amours with widow
+<i>Wadman</i>, in which corporal <i>Trim</i> was no mean actor&mdash;or
+else in the middle of his and my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> campaigns on the
+bowling-green&mdash;for it will do very well in either place;&mdash;but
+then if I reserve it for either of those parts of my
+story&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;ruin the story I’m upon;&mdash;&mdash;and if I
+tell it here&mdash;I&nbsp;anticipate matters, and ruin it there.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;What would your worships have me to do in this case?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Tell it, Mr. <i>Shandy</i>, by all means.&mdash;You are a
+fool, <i>Tristram</i>, if you&nbsp;do.</p>
+
+<p>O ye powers! (for powers ye are, and great ones too)&mdash;which
+enable mortal man to tell a story worth the
+hearing&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;that kindly shew him, where he is to begin
+it&mdash;and where he is to end it&mdash;&mdash;what he is to put into
+it&mdash;&mdash;and what he is to leave out&mdash;how much of it he is
+to cast into a shade&mdash;and whereabouts he is to throw his
+light!&mdash;Ye, who preside over this vast empire of biographical
+freebooters, and see how many scrapes and plunges your subjects hourly
+fall into;&mdash;&mdash;will you do one thing?</p>
+
+<p>I beg and beseech you (in case you will do nothing better
+for&nbsp;us) that wherever in any part of your dominions it so falls
+out, that three several roads meet in one point, as they have done just
+here&mdash;&mdash;that at least you set up a guide-post in the centre of
+them, in mere charity, to direct an uncertain devil which of the three
+he is to take.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page150" id = "page150">150</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXIV" id = "bookIII_chapXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Tho</span>’ the shock my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+received the year after the demolition of <i>Dunkirk</i>, in his affair
+with widow <i>Wadman</i>, had fixed him in a resolution never more to
+think of the sex&mdash;or of aught which belonged to it;&mdash;yet
+corporal <i>Trim</i> had made no such bargain with himself. Indeed in my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> case there was a strange and unaccountable
+concurrence of circumstances, which insensibly drew him in, to lay siege
+to that fair and strong citadel.&mdash;&mdash;In <i>Trim’s</i> case
+there was a concurrence of nothing in the world, but of him and
+<i>Bridget</i> in the kitchen;&mdash;though in truth, the love and
+veneration he bore his master was such, and so fond was he of imitating
+him in all he did, that had my uncle <i>Toby</i> employed his time and
+genius in tagging of points&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am persuaded the honest
+corporal would have laid down his arms, and followed his example with
+pleasure. When therefore my uncle <i>Toby</i> sat down before the
+mistress&mdash;corporal <i>Trim</i> incontinently took ground before the
+maid.</p>
+
+<p>Now, my dear friend <i>Garrick</i>, whom I have so much cause to
+esteem and honour&mdash;(why, or wherefore, ’tis no matter)&mdash;can it
+escape your penetration&mdash;I&nbsp;defy it&mdash;that so many
+playwrights, and opificers of chit-chat have ever since been working
+upon <i>Trim’s</i> and my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+pattern.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;care not what <i>Aristotle</i>, or
+<i>Pacuvius</i>, or <i>Bossu</i>, or <i>Ricaboni</i> say&mdash;(though I
+never read one of them)&mdash;&mdash;there is not a greater difference
+between a single-horse chair and madam <i>Pompadour’s vis-à-vis</i>;
+than betwixt a single amour, and an amour thus nobly doubled, and going
+upon all four, prancing throughout a grand drama&mdash;&mdash;Sir,
+a&nbsp;simple, single, silly affair of that kind&mdash;is quite lost in
+five acts;&mdash;but that is neither here nor there.</p>
+
+<p>After a series of attacks and repulses in a course of nine months on
+my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> quarter, a&nbsp;most minute account of every
+particular of which shall be given in its proper place, my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, honest man! found it necessary to draw off his forces and
+raise the siege somewhat indignantly.</p>
+
+<p>Corporal <i>Trim</i>, as I said, had made no such bargain either with
+himself&mdash;&mdash;or with any one else&mdash;&mdash;the fidelity
+however of his heart not suffering him to go into a house which his
+master had forsaken with disgust&mdash;&mdash;he contented himself with
+turning his part of the siege into a blockade;&mdash;that is, he kept
+others off;&mdash;for though he never after went to the house, yet he
+never
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page151" id = "page151">151</a></span>
+met <i>Bridget</i> in the village, but he would either nod or wink, or
+smile, or look kindly at her&mdash;or (as&nbsp;circumstances directed)
+he would shake her by the hand&mdash;or ask her lovingly how she
+did&mdash;or would give her a ribbon&mdash;and now-and-then, though
+never but when it could be done with decorum, would give <span class =
+"locked"><i>Bridget</i>&nbsp;a&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Precisely in this situation, did these things stand for five years;
+that is, from the demolition of <i>Dunkirk</i> in the year 13, to the
+latter end of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> campaign in the year 18, which was
+about six or seven weeks before the time I’m speaking
+of.&mdash;&mdash;When <i>Trim</i>, as his custom was, after he had put
+my uncle <i>Toby</i> to bed, going down one moonshiny night to see that
+everything was right at his fortifications&mdash;&mdash;in the lane
+separated from the bowling-green with flowering shrubs and
+holly&mdash;he espied his <i>Bridget</i>.</p>
+
+<p>As the corporal thought there was nothing in the world so well worth
+shewing as the glorious works which he and my uncle <i>Toby</i> had
+made, <i>Trim</i> courteously and gallantly took her by the hand, and
+led her in: this was not done so privately, but that the foul-mouth’d
+trumpet of Fame carried it from ear to ear, till at length it reach’d my
+father’s, with this untoward circumstance along with it, that my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> curious drawbridge, constructed and painted after the
+<i>Dutch</i> fashion, and which went quite across the ditch&mdash;was
+broke down, and somehow or other crushed all to pieces that very
+night.</p>
+
+<p>My father, as you have observed, had no great esteem for my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> hobby-horse, he thought it the most ridiculous horse that
+ever gentleman mounted; and indeed unless my uncle <i>Toby</i> vexed him
+about it, could never think of it once, without smiling at
+it&mdash;&mdash;so that it could never get lame or happen any mischance,
+but it tickled my father’s imagination beyond measure; but this being an
+accident much more to his humour than any one which had yet befall’n it,
+it proved an inexhaustible fund of entertainment to
+him.&mdash;&mdash;Well&mdash;&mdash;but dear <i>Toby!</i> my father
+would say, do tell me seriously how this affair of the bridge
+happened.&mdash;&mdash;How can you tease me so much about it? my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> would reply&mdash;I&nbsp;have told it you twenty times, word
+for word as <i>Trim</i> told it me.&mdash;Prithee, how was it then,
+corporal? my father would cry, turning to <i>Trim</i>.&mdash;It was a
+mere misfortune, an’ please your honour;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;was shewing
+Mrs. <i>Bridget</i> our fortifications, and in going too near the edge
+of the fosse, I&nbsp;unfortunately slipp’d in&mdash;&mdash;Very well,
+<i>Trim!</i> my father would cry&mdash;&mdash;(smiling mysteriously, and
+giving a nod&mdash;but without interrupting him)&mdash;&mdash;and being
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page152" id = "page152">152</a></span>
+link’d fast, an’ please your honour, arm in arm with Mrs.
+<i>Bridget</i>, I&nbsp;dragg’d her after me, by means of which she fell
+backwards soss against the bridge&mdash;&mdash;and <i>Trim’s</i> foot
+(my&nbsp;uncle <i>Toby</i> would cry, taking the story out of his mouth)
+getting into the cuvette, he tumbled full against the bridge
+too.&mdash;It was a thousand to one, my uncle <i>Toby</i> would add,
+that the poor fellow did not break his leg.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Ay
+truly, my father would say&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;limb is soon broke,
+brother <i>Toby</i>, in such encounters.&mdash;&mdash;And so, an’ please
+your honour, the bridge, which your honour knows was a very slight one,
+was broke down betwixt us, and splintered all to pieces.</p>
+
+<p>At other times, but especially when my uncle <i>Toby</i> was so
+unfortunate as to say a syllable about cannons, bombs, or
+petards&mdash;my father would exhaust all the stores of his eloquence
+(which indeed were very great) in a panegyric upon the <span class =
+"smallroman">BATTERING-RAMS</span> of the ancients&mdash;the <span class
+= "smallroman">VINEA</span> which <i>Alexander</i> made use of at the
+siege of <i>Troy</i>.&mdash;He would tell my uncle <i>Toby</i> of the
+<span class = "smallroman">CATAPULTÆ</span> of the <i>Syrians</i>, which
+threw such monstrous stones so many hundred feet, and shook the
+strongest bulwarks from their very foundation:&mdash;he would go on and
+describe the wonderful mechanism of the <span class =
+"smallroman">BALLISTA</span> which <i>Marcellinus</i> makes so much rout
+about!&mdash;the terrible effects of the <span class =
+"smallroman">PYROBOLI</span>, which cast fire;&mdash;&mdash;the danger
+of the <span class = "smallroman">TEREBRA</span> and <span class =
+"smallroman">SCORPIO</span>, which cast javelins.&mdash;&mdash;But what
+are these, would he say, to the destructive machinery of corporal
+<i>Trim?</i>&mdash;&mdash;Believe me, brother <i>Toby</i>, no bridge, or
+bastion, or sally-port, that ever was constructed in this world, can
+hold out against such artillery.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> would never attempt any defence against the
+force of this ridicule, but that of redoubling the vehemence of smoaking
+his pipe; in doing which, he raised so dense a vapour one night after
+supper, that it set my father, who was a little phthisical, into a
+suffocating fit of violent coughing: my uncle <i>Toby</i> leap’d up
+without feeling the pain upon his groin&mdash;and, with infinite pity,
+stood beside his brother’s chair, tapping his back with one hand, and
+holding his head with the other, and from time to time wiping his eyes
+with a clean cambrick handkerchief, which he pulled out of his
+pocket.&mdash;&mdash;The affectionate and endearing manner in which my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> did these little offices&mdash;cut my father thro’ his
+reins, for the pain he had just been giving him.&mdash;&mdash;May my
+brains be knock’d out with a battering-ram or a catapulta, I&nbsp;care
+not which, quoth my father to himself&mdash;if ever I insult this worthy
+soul more!</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page153" id = "page153">153</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXV" id = "bookIII_chapXXV">
+CHAPTER XXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> draw-bridge being held
+irreparable, <i>Trim</i> was ordered directly to set about
+another&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but not upon the same model: for cardinal
+<i>Alberoni’s</i> intrigues at that time being discovered, and my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> rightly foreseeing that a flame would inevitably break out
+betwixt <i>Spain</i> and the Empire, and that the operations of the
+ensuing campaign must in all likelihood be either in <i>Naples</i> or
+<i>Sicily</i>&mdash;&mdash;he determined upon an <i>Italian</i>
+bridge&mdash;(my&nbsp;uncle <i>Toby</i>, by the bye, was not far out of
+his conjectures)&mdash;&mdash;but my father, who was infinitely the
+better politician, and took the lead as far of my uncle <i>Toby</i> in
+the cabinet, as my uncle <i>Toby</i> took it of him in the
+field&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;convinced him, that if the king of
+<i>Spain</i> and the Emperor went together by the ears, <i>England</i>
+and <i>France</i> and <i>Holland</i> must, by force of their
+pre-engagements, all enter the lists too;&mdash;&mdash;and if so, he
+would say, the combatants, brother <i>Toby</i>, as sure as we are alive,
+will fall to it again, pell-mell, upon the old prizefighting stage of
+<i>Flanders</i>;&mdash;then what will you do with your <i>Italian</i>
+bridge?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;We will go on with it then upon the old model, cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>When Corporal <i>Trim</i> had about half finished it in that
+style&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> found out a capital defect in
+it, which he had never thoroughly considered before. It turned, it
+seems, upon hinges at both ends of it, opening in the middle, one half
+of which turning to one side of the fosse, and the other to the other;
+the advantage of which was this, that by dividing the weight of the
+bridge into two equal portions, it impowered my uncle <i>Toby</i> to
+raise it up or let it down with the end of his crutch, and with one
+hand, which, as his garrison was weak, was as much as he could well
+spare&mdash;but the disadvantages of such a construction were
+insurmountable;&mdash;&mdash;for by this means, he would say,
+I&nbsp;leave one half of my bridge in my enemy’s
+possession&mdash;&mdash;and pray of what use is the other?</p>
+
+<p>The natural remedy for this was, no doubt, to have his bridge fast
+only at one end with hinges, so that the whole might be lifted up
+together, and stand bolt upright&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but that was
+rejected for the reason given above.</p>
+
+<p>For a whole week after he was determined in his mind to have one of
+that particular construction which is made to draw back horizontally, to
+hinder a passage; and to thrust forwards again
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page154" id = "page154">154</a></span>
+to gain a passage&mdash;of which sorts your worship might have seen
+three famous ones at <i>Spires</i> before its destruction&mdash;and one
+now at <i>Brisac</i>, if I mistake not;&mdash;but my father advising my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, with great earnestness, to have nothing more to do
+with thrusting bridges&mdash;and my uncle foreseeing moreover that it
+would but perpetuate the memory of the Corporal’s misfortune&mdash;he
+changed his mind for that of the marquis <i>d’Hôpital’s</i> invention,
+which the younger <i>Bernouilli</i> has so well and learnedly described,
+as your worships may see&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Act. Erud. Lips.</i> an.
+1695&mdash;to these a lead weight is an eternal balance, and keeps watch
+as well as a couple of centinels, inasmuch as the construction of them
+was a curve line approximating to a cycloid&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;if not a
+cycloid itself.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> understood the nature of a parabola as well as
+any man in <i>England</i>&mdash;but was not quite such a master of the
+cycloid;&mdash;&mdash;he talked however about it every
+day&mdash;&mdash;the bridge went not forwards.&mdash;&mdash;We’ll ask
+somebody about it, cried my uncle <i>Toby</i> to <i>Trim</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXVI" id = "bookIII_chapXXVI">
+CHAPTER XXVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> <i>Trim</i> came in and told my
+father, that Dr. <i>Slop</i> was in the kitchen, and busy in making a
+bridge&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;the affair of the
+jack-boots having just then raised a train of military ideas in his
+brain&mdash;&mdash;took it instantly for granted that Dr. <i>Slop</i>
+was making a model of the marquis <i>d’Hôpital’s</i>
+bridge.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>;&mdash;pray give my humble service to Dr. <i>Slop</i>,
+<i>Trim</i>, and tell him I thank him heartily.</p>
+
+<p>Had my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> head been a <i>Savoyard’s</i> box, and my
+father peeping in all the time at one end of it&mdash;&mdash;it could
+not have given him a more distinct conception of the operations of my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> imagination, than what he had; so, notwithstanding
+the catapulta and battering-ram, and his bitter imprecation about them,
+he was just beginning to <span class =
+"locked">triumph&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>When <i>Trim’s</i> answer, in an instant, tore the laurel from his
+brows, and twisted it to pieces.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXVII" id = "bookIII_chapXXVII">
+CHAPTER XXVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">This</span> unfortunate
+draw-bridge of yours, quoth my father&mdash;&mdash;God bless your
+honour, cried <i>Trim</i>, ’tis a bridge for master’s
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page155" id = "page155">155</a></span>
+nose.&mdash;&mdash;In bringing him into the world with his vile
+instruments, he has crushed his nose, <i>Susannah</i> says, as flat as a
+pancake to his face, and he is making a false bridge with a piece of
+cotton and a thin piece of whalebone out of <i>Susannah’s</i> stays, to
+raise it&nbsp;up.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Lead me, brother <i>Toby</i>, cried my father, to my
+room this instant.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXVIII" id = "bookIII_chapXXVIII">
+CHAPTER XXVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">From</span> the first moment I sat down to
+write my life for the amusement of the world, and my opinions for its
+instruction, has a cloud insensibly been gathering over my
+father.&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;tide of little evils and distresses has been
+setting in against him.&mdash;Not one thing, as he observed himself, has
+gone right: and now is the storm thicken’d and going to break, and pour
+down full upon his head.</p>
+
+<p>I enter upon this part of my story in the most pensive and melancholy
+frame of mind that ever sympathetic breast was touched
+with.&mdash;&mdash;My nerves relax as I tell it.&mdash;&mdash;Every line
+I write, I&nbsp;feel an abatement of the quickness of my pulse, and of
+that careless alacrity with it, which every day of my life prompts me to
+say and write a thousand things I should not.&mdash;&mdash;And this
+moment that I last dipp’d my pen into my ink, I&nbsp;could not help
+taking notice what a cautious air of sad composure and solemnity there
+appear’d in my manner of doing it.&mdash;&mdash;Lord! how different from
+the rash jerks and hair-brain’d squirts thou art wont, <i>Tristram</i>,
+to transact it with in other humours&mdash;dropping thy
+pen&mdash;&mdash;spurting thy ink about thy table and thy books&mdash;as
+if thy pen and thy ink, thy books and furniture cost thee nothing!</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXIX" id = "bookIII_chapXXIX">
+CHAPTER XXIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">I won</span>’t go about to
+argue the point with you&mdash;’tis so&mdash;&mdash;and I am persuaded
+of it, madam, as much as can be, “That both man and woman bear pain or
+sorrow (and, for aught I know, pleasure too) best in a horizontal
+position.”</p>
+
+<p>The moment my father got up into his chamber, he threw himself
+prostrate across the bed in the wildest disorder imaginable, but at the
+same time in the most lamentable attitude of a man borne down with
+sorrows, that ever the eye of pity dropp’d a
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page156" id = "page156">156</a></span>
+tear for.&mdash;&mdash;The palm of his right hand, as he fell upon the
+bed, receiving his forehead, and covering the greatest part of both his
+eyes, gently sunk down with his head (his elbow giving way backwards)
+till his nose touch’d the quilt;&mdash;&mdash;his left arm hung
+insensible over the side of the bed, his knuckles reclining upon the
+handle of the chamber-pot, which peep’d out beyond the valance&mdash;his
+right leg (his left being drawn up towards his body) hung half over the
+side of the bed, the edge of it pressing upon his shin-bone&mdash;He
+felt it not. A&nbsp;fix’d, inflexible sorrow took possession of every
+line of his face.&mdash;He sigh’d once&mdash;&mdash;heaved his breast
+often&mdash;but uttered not a word.</p>
+
+<p>An old set-stitch’d chair, valanced and fringed around with
+party-coloured worsted bobs, stood at the bed’s head, opposite to the
+side where my father’s head reclined.&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i> sat him
+down in&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Before an affliction is digested&mdash;consolation ever comes too
+soon;&mdash;and after it is digested&mdash;it comes too late: so that
+you see, madam, there is but a mark between these two, as fine almost as
+a hair, for a comforter to take aim at: my uncle <i>Toby</i> was always
+either on this side, or on that of it, and would often say, he believed
+in his heart he could as soon hit the longitude; for this reason, when
+he sat down in the chair, he drew the curtain a little forwards, and
+having a tear at every one’s service&mdash;&mdash;he pull’d out a
+cambrick handkerchief&mdash;&mdash;gave a low sigh&mdash;&mdash;but held
+his peace.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXX" id = "bookIII_chapXXX">
+CHAPTER XXX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;“<i>All is not gain that is got into the
+purse.</i>”&mdash;So that notwithstanding my father had the happiness of
+reading the oddest books in the universe, and had moreover, in himself,
+the oddest way of thinking that ever man in it was bless’d with, yet it
+had this drawback upon him after all&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;that it laid
+him open to some of the oddest and most whimsical distresses; of which
+this particular one, which he sunk under at present, is as strong an
+example as can be given.</p>
+
+<p>No doubt, the breaking down of the bridge of a child’s nose, by the
+edge of a pair of forceps&mdash;however scientifically
+applied&mdash;would vex any man in the world, who was at so much pains
+in begetting a child, as my father was&mdash;yet it will not account for
+the extravagance of his affliction, nor will it justify the unchristian
+manner he abandoned and surrendered him self up&nbsp;to.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page157" id = "page157">157</a></span>
+<p>To explain this, I must leave him upon the bed for half an
+hour&mdash;and my uncle <i>Toby</i> in his old fringed chair sitting
+beside him.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXXI" id = "bookIII_chapXXXI">
+CHAPTER XXXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">I think</span> it a very
+unreasonable demand&mdash;cried my great-grandfather, twisting up the
+paper, and throwing it upon the table.&mdash;&mdash;By this account,
+madam, you have but two thousand pounds fortune, and not a shilling
+more&mdash;and you insist upon having three hundred pounds a year
+jointure for <span class = "locked">it.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;“Because,” replied my great-grandmother, “you have little or
+no nose, <span class = "locked">Sir.”&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Now before I venture to make use of the word <i>Nose</i> a second
+time&mdash;to avoid all confusion in what will be said upon it, in this
+interesting part of my story, it may not be amiss to explain my own
+meaning, and define, with all possible exactness and precision, what I
+would willingly be understood to mean by the term: being of opinion,
+that ’tis owing to the negligence and perverseness of writers in
+despising this precaution, and to nothing else&mdash;&mdash;that all the
+polemical writings in divinity are not as clear and demonstrative as
+those upon <i>a Will o’ the Wisp</i>, or any other sound part of
+philosophy, and natural pursuit; in order to which, what have you to do,
+before you set out, unless you intend to go puzzling on to the day of
+judgment&mdash;&mdash;but to give the world a good definition, and stand
+to it, of the main word you have most occasion for&mdash;&mdash;changing
+it, Sir, as you would a guinea, into small coin?&mdash;which
+done&mdash;let the father of confusion puzzle you, if he can; or put a
+different idea either into your head, or your reader’s head, if he knows
+how.</p>
+
+<p>In books of strict morality and close reasoning, such as this I am
+engaged in&mdash;the neglect is inexcusable; and Heaven is witness, how
+the world has revenged itself upon me for leaving so many openings to
+equivocal strictures&mdash;and for depending so much as I have done, all
+along, upon the cleanliness of my readers’ imaginations.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Here are two senses, cried <i>Eugenius</i>, as we
+walk’d along, pointing with the forefinger of his right hand to the word
+<i>Crevice</i>, in the one hundred and seventy-eighth page of the first
+volume of this book of books;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;here are two
+senses&mdash;quoth he&mdash;And here are two roads, replied I, turning
+short upon him&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;dirty and a clean
+one&mdash;&mdash;which shall we take?&mdash;The clean, by all means,
+replied <i>Eugenius</i>. <i>Eugenius</i>, said&nbsp;I,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page158" id = "page158">158</a></span>
+stepping before him, and laying my hand upon his breast&mdash;&mdash;to
+define&mdash;is to distrust.&mdash;&mdash;Thus I triumph’d over
+<i>Eugenius</i>; but I triumph’d over him as I always do, like a
+fool.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis my comfort, however, I&nbsp;am not an obstinate
+one: therefore</p>
+
+<p>I define a nose as follows&mdash;intreating only beforehand, and
+beseeching my readers, both male and female, of what age, complexion,
+and condition soever, for the love of God and their own souls, to guard
+against the temptations and suggestions of the devil, and suffer him by
+no art or wile to put any other ideas into their minds, than what I put
+into my definition&mdash;For by the word <i>Nose</i>, throughout all
+this long chapter of noses, and in every other part of my work, where
+the word <i>Nose</i> occurs&mdash;I&nbsp;declare, by that word I mean a
+nose, and nothing more, or less.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXXII" id = "bookIII_chapXXXII">
+CHAPTER XXXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;“<span class = "firstword">Because</span>,” quoth my
+great-grandmother, repeating the words again&mdash;“you have little or
+no nose, <span class = "locked">Sir.”&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>S’death! cried my great-grandfather, clapping his hand upon his
+nose,&mdash;’tis not so small as that comes to;&mdash;&mdash;’tis a full
+inch longer than my father’s.&mdash;Now, my great-grandfather’s nose was
+for all the world like unto the noses of all the men, women, and
+children, whom <i>Pantagruel</i> found dwelling upon the island of <span
+class = "smallcaps">Ennasin</span>.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;By the way, if
+you would know the strange way of getting a-kin amongst so flat-nosed a
+people&mdash;&mdash;you must read the book;&mdash;&mdash;find it out
+yourself, you never <span class = "locked">can.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;’Twas shaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;’Tis a full inch, continued my grandfather, pressing up the
+ridge of his nose with his finger and thumb; and repeating his
+assertion&mdash;&mdash;’tis a full inch longer, madam, than my
+father’s&mdash;&mdash;You must mean your uncle’s, replied my
+great-grandmother.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;My great-grandfather was convinced.&mdash;He
+untwisted the paper, and signed the article.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXXIII" id = "bookIII_chapXXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">What</span> an unconscionable
+jointure, my dear, do we pay out of this small estate of ours, quoth my
+grandmother to my grandfather.</p>
+
+<p>My father, replied my grandfather, had no more nose, my dear, saving
+the mark, than there is upon the back of my hand.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page159" id = "page159">159</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;Now, you must know, that my great-grandmother outlived my
+grandfather twelve years; so that my father had the jointure to pay,
+a&nbsp;hundred and fifty pounds
+half-yearly&mdash;(on&nbsp;<i>Michaelmas</i> and
+<i>Lady-day</i>),&mdash;during all that time.</p>
+
+<p>No man discharged pecuniary obligations with a better grace than my
+father.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;And as far as a hundred pounds went, he
+would fling it upon the table, guinea by guinea, with that spirited jerk
+of an honest welcome, which generous souls, and generous souls only, are
+able to fling down money: but as soon as ever he enter’d upon the odd
+fifty&mdash;he generally gave a loud <i>Hem!</i> rubb’d the side of his
+nose leisurely with the flat part of his fore
+finger&mdash;&mdash;inserted his hand cautiously betwixt his head and
+the cawl of his wig&mdash;look’d at both sides of every guinea as he
+parted with it&mdash;&mdash;and seldom could get to the end of the fifty
+pounds, without pulling out his handkerchief, and wiping his
+temples.</p>
+
+<p>Defend me, gracious Heaven! from those persecuting spirits who make
+no allowances for these workings within us.&mdash;Never&mdash;O never
+may I lay down in their tents, who cannot relax the engine, and feel
+pity for the force of education, and the prevalence of opinions long
+derived from ancestors!</p>
+
+<p>For three generations at least this <i>tenet</i> in favour of long
+noses had gradually been taking root in our
+family.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "smallcaps">Tradition</span>
+was all along on its side, and <span class = "smallcaps">Interest</span>
+was every half-year stepping in to strengthen it; so that the
+whimsicality of my father’s brain was far from having the whole honour
+of this, as it had of almost all his other strange notions.&mdash;For in
+a great measure he might be said to have suck’d this in with his
+mother’s milk. He did his part however.&mdash;&mdash;If education
+planted the mistake (in&nbsp;case it was one) my father watered it, and
+ripened it to perfection.</p>
+
+<p>He would often declare, in speaking his thoughts upon the subject,
+that he did not conceive how the greatest family in <i>England</i> could
+stand it out against an uninterrupted succession of six or seven short
+noses.&mdash;And for the contrary reason, he would generally add, That
+it must be one of the greatest problems in civil life, where the same
+number of long and jolly noses, following one another in a direct line,
+did not raise and hoist it up into the best vacancies in the
+kingdom.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;He would often boast that the <i>Shandy</i>
+family rank’d very high in King <i>Harry</i> the VIIIth’s time, but owed
+its rise to no state engine&mdash;he would say&mdash;but to that
+only;&mdash;&mdash;but that, like other families, he would
+add&mdash;&mdash;it had felt the turn of the wheel, and had never
+recovered
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page160" id = "page160">160</a></span>
+the blow of my great-grandfather’s nose.&mdash;&mdash;It was an ace of
+clubs indeed, he would cry, shaking his head&mdash;and as vile a one for
+an unfortunate family as ever turn’d up trumps.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Fair and softly, gentle
+reader!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;where is thy fancy carrying
+thee?&mdash;&mdash;If there is truth in man, by my great-grandfather’s
+nose, I&nbsp;mean the external organ of smelling, or that part of man
+which stands prominent in his face&mdash;&mdash;and which painters say,
+in good jolly noses and well-proportioned faces, should comprehend a
+full third&mdash;&mdash;that is, measured downwards from the setting on
+of the <span class = "locked">hair.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;What a life of it has an author, at this pass!</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXXIV" id = "bookIII_chapXXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> is a singular blessing, that
+nature has form’d the mind of man with the same happy backwardness and
+renitency against conviction, which is observed in old dogs&mdash;“of
+not learning new tricks.”</p>
+
+<p>What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher that
+ever existed be whisk’d into at once, did he read such books, and
+observe such facts, and think such thoughts, as would eternally be
+making him change sides!</p>
+
+<p>Now, my father, as I told you last year, detested all this&mdash;He
+pick’d up an opinion, Sir, as a man in a state of nature picks up an
+apple.&mdash;It becomes his own&mdash;and if he is a man of spirit, he
+would lose his life rather than give it&nbsp;up.</p>
+
+<p>I am aware that <i>Didius</i>, the great civilian, will contest this
+point; and cry out against me, Whence comes this man’s right to this
+apple? <i>ex confesso</i>, he will say&mdash;things were in a state of
+nature&mdash;The apple, as much <i>Frank’s</i> apple as <i>John’s</i>.
+Pray, Mr. <i>Shandy</i>, what patent has he to shew for it? and how did
+it begin to be his? was it, when he set his heart upon it? or when he
+gathered it? or when he chew’d it? or when he roasted it? or when he
+peel’d, or when he brought it home? or when he digested?&mdash;or when
+he&mdash;&mdash;?&mdash;&mdash;For ’tis plain, Sir, if the first picking
+up of the apple, made it not his&mdash;that no subsequent act could.</p>
+
+<p>Brother <i>Didius</i>, <i>Tribonius</i> will answer&mdash;(now
+<i>Tribonius</i> the civilian and church lawyer’s beard being three
+inches and a half and three eighths longer than <i>Didius</i> his
+beard&mdash;I’m glad he takes up the cudgels for me, so I give myself no
+farther trouble about the answer).&mdash;Brother <i>Didius</i>,
+<i>Tribonius</i> will say, it is a
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page161" id = "page161">161</a></span>
+decreed case, as you may find it in the fragments of <i>Gregorius</i>
+and <i>Hermogines’s</i> codes, and in all the codes from
+<i>Justinian’s</i> down to the codes of <i>Louis</i> and <i>Des
+Eaux</i>&mdash;That the sweat of a man’s brows, and the exsudations of a
+man’s brains, are as much a man’s own property as the breeches upon his
+backside;&mdash;which said exsudations, &amp;c., being dropp’d upon the
+said apple by the labour of finding it, and picking it up; and being
+moreover indissolubly wasted, and as indissolubly annex’d, by the picker
+up, to the thing pick’d up, carried home, roasted, peel’d, eaten,
+digested, and so on;&mdash;&mdash;’tis evident that the gatherer of the
+apple, in so doing, has mix’d up something which was his own, with the
+apple which was not his own, by which means he has acquired a
+property;&mdash;or, in other words, the apple is <i>John’s</i>
+apple.</p>
+
+<p>By the same learned chain of reasoning my father stood up for all his
+opinions; he had spared no pains in picking them up, and the more they
+lay out of the common way, the better still was his
+title.&mdash;&mdash;No mortal claimed them; they had cost him moreover
+as much labour in cooking and digesting as in the case above, so that
+they might well and truly be said to be of his own goods and
+chattles.&mdash;Accordingly he held fast by ’em, both by teeth and
+claws&mdash;would fly to whatever he could lay his hands on&mdash;and,
+in a word, would intrench and fortify them round with as many
+circumvallations and breast-works, as my uncle <i>Toby</i> would a
+citadel.</p>
+
+<p>There was one plaguy rub in the way of this&mdash;&mdash;the scarcity
+of materials to make anything of a defence with, in case of a smart
+attack; inasmuch as few men of great genius had exercised their parts in
+writing books upon the subject of great noses: by the trotting of my
+lean horse, the thing is incredible! and I am quite lost in my
+understanding, when I am considering what a treasure of precious time
+and talents together has been wasted upon worse subjects&mdash;and how
+many millions of books in all languages, and in all possible types and
+bindings, have been fabricated upon points not half so much tending to
+the unity and peace-making of the world. What was to be had, however, he
+set the greater store by; and though my father would oft-times sport
+with my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> library&mdash;which, by the bye, was
+ridiculous enough&mdash;yet at the very same time he did it, he
+collected every book and treatise which had been systematically wrote
+upon noses, with as much care as my honest uncle <i>Toby</i> had done
+those upon military architecture.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis true, a&nbsp;much
+less table would
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page162" id = "page162">162</a></span>
+have held them&mdash;but that was not thy transgression, my dear <span
+class = "locked">uncle.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Here&mdash;&mdash;but why here&mdash;&mdash;rather than in any other
+part of my story&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am not able to
+tell:&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but here it is&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;my heart
+stops me to pay to thee, my dear uncle <i>Toby</i>, once for all, the
+tribute I owe thy goodness.&mdash;&mdash;Here let me thrust my chair
+aside, and kneel down upon the ground, whilst I am pouring forth the
+warmest sentiment of love for thee, and veneration for the excellency of
+thy character, that ever virtue and nature kindled in a nephew’s
+bosom.&mdash;&mdash;Peace and comfort rest for evermore upon thy
+head!&mdash;Thou enviedst no man’s comforts&mdash;&mdash;insultedst no
+man’s opinions&mdash;&mdash;Thou blackenedst no man’s
+character&mdash;devouredst no man’s bread: gently, with faithful
+<i>Trim</i> behind thee, didst thou amble round the little circle of thy
+pleasures, jostling no creature in thy way:&mdash;for each one’s sorrow
+thou hadst a tear,&mdash;for each man’s need, thou hadst a shilling.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst I am worth one, to pay a weeder&mdash;thy path from thy door
+to thy bowling-green shall never be grown up.&mdash;&mdash;Whilst there
+is a rood and a half of land in the <i>Shandy</i> family, thy
+fortifications, my dear uncle <i>Toby</i>, shall never be
+demolish’d.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXXV" id = "bookIII_chapXXXV">
+CHAPTER XXXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> father’s collection was not
+great, but to make amends, it was curious; and consequently he was some
+time in making it; he had the great good fortune however, to set off
+well, in getting <i>Bruscambille’s</i> prologue upon long noses, almost
+for nothing&mdash;for he gave no more for <i>Bruscambille</i> than three
+half-crowns; owing indeed to the strong fancy which the stall-man saw my
+father had for the book the moment he laid his hands upon
+it.&mdash;&mdash;There are not three <i>Bruscambilles</i> in
+<i>Christendom</i>&mdash;said the stall-man, except what are chain’d up
+in the libraries of the curious. My father flung down the money as quick
+as lightning&mdash;&mdash;took <i>Bruscambille</i> into his
+bosom&mdash;&mdash;hied home from <i>Piccadilly</i> to
+<i>Coleman</i>-street with it, as he would have hied home with a
+treasure, without taking his hand once off from <i>Bruscambille</i> all
+the way.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page163" id = "page163">163</a></span>
+<p>To those who do not yet know of which gender <i>Bruscambille</i>
+is&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;inasmuch as a prologue upon long noses might
+easily be done by either&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’twill be no objection
+against the simile&mdash;to say, That when my father got home, he
+solaced himself with <i>Bruscambille</i> after the manner in which, ’tis
+ten to one, your worship solaced yourself with your first
+mistress&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;that is, from morning even unto night:
+which, by the bye, how delightful soever it may prove to the
+inamorato&mdash;is of little or no entertainment at all to
+by-standers.&mdash;&mdash;Take notice, I&nbsp;go no farther with the
+simile&mdash;my father’s eye was greater than his appetite&mdash;his
+zeal greater than his knowledge&mdash;he cool’d&mdash;his affections
+became divided&mdash;&mdash;he got hold of
+<i>Prignitz</i>&mdash;purchased <i>Scroderus</i>, <i>Andrea ParĂŚus</i>,
+<i>Bouchet’s</i> Evening Conferences, and above all, the great and
+learned <i>Hafen Slawkenbergius</i>; of which, as I shall have much to
+say by and by&mdash;I&nbsp;will say nothing now.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXXVI" id = "bookIII_chapXXXVI">
+CHAPTER XXXVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Of</span> all the tracts my father was at
+the pains to procure and study in support of his hypothesis, there was
+not any one wherein he felt a more cruel disappointment at first, than
+in the celebrated dialogue between <i>Pamphagus</i> and <i>Cocles</i>,
+written by the chaste pen of the great and venerable <i>Erasmus</i>,
+upon the various uses and seasonable applications of long
+noses.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Now don’t let Satan, my dear girl, in this
+chapter, take advantage of any one spot of rising ground to get astride
+of your imagination, if you can any ways help it; or if he is so nimble
+as to slip on&mdash;let me beg of you, like an unback’d filly, <i>to
+frisk it, to squirt it, to jump it, to rear it, to bound it&mdash;and to
+kick it, with long kicks and short kicks</i>, till, like
+<i>Tickletoby’s</i> mare, you break a strap or a crupper and throw his
+worship into the dirt.&mdash;You need not kill <span class =
+"locked">him.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;And pray who was <i>Tickletoby’s</i> mare?&mdash;’tis just as
+discreditable and unscholarlike a question, Sir, as to have asked what
+year (<i>ab.&nbsp;urb. con.</i>) the second Punic war broke
+out.&mdash;Who was <i>Tickletoby’s</i> mare?&mdash;&mdash;Read, read,
+read, read, my unlearned reader! read&mdash;or by the knowledge of the
+great saint <i>Paraleipomenon</i>&mdash;I&nbsp;tell you before-hand, you
+had better throw
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page164" id = "page164">164</a></span>
+down the book at once; for without <i>much reading</i>, by which your
+reverence knows I mean <i>much knowledge</i>, you will no more be able
+to penetrate the moral of the next marbled page (motly emblem of my
+work!) than the world with all its sagacity has been able to unravel the
+many opinions, transactions, and truths which still lie mystically hid
+under the dark veil of the black one.</p>
+
+<div class = "page">
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page165" id = "page165">165</a></span>
+
+<p class = "illustration">
+<img src = "images/pg165.jpg" width = "333" height = "549"
+alt = "marbled page" /></p>
+
+</div>
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page166" id = "page166">166</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXXVII" id = "bookIII_chapXXXVII">
+CHAPTER XXXVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>“<i>Nihil me pœnitet hujus nasi</i>,” quoth
+<i>Pamphagus</i>;&mdash;&mdash;that is&mdash;“My nose has been the
+making of me.”&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;“<i>Nec est cur
+pœniteat</i>,” replies <i>Cocles</i>; that is, “How the duce should such
+a nose fail?”</p>
+
+<p>The doctrine, you see, was laid down by <i>Erasmus</i>, as my father
+wished it, with the utmost plainness; but my father’s disappointment
+was, in finding nothing more from so able a pen, but the bare fact
+itself; without any of that speculative subtilty or ambidexterity of
+argumentation upon it, which Heaven had bestow’d upon man on purpose to
+investigate truth, and fight for her on all sides.&mdash;&mdash;My
+father pish’d and pugh’d at first most terribly&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’tis
+worth something to have a good name. As the dialogue was of
+<i>Erasmus</i>, my father soon came to himself, and read it over and
+over again with great application, studying every word and every
+syllable of it thro’ and thro’ in its most strict and literal
+interpretation&mdash;he could still make nothing of it, that way. Mayhap
+there is more meant, than is said in it, quoth my
+father.&mdash;&mdash;Learned men, brother <i>Toby</i>, don’t write
+dialogues upon long noses for nothing.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I’ll study
+the mystick and the allegorick sense&mdash;&mdash;here is some room to
+turn a man’s self in, brother.</p>
+
+<p>My father read on.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Now I find it needful to
+inform your reverences and worships, that besides the many nautical uses
+of long noses enumerated by <i>Erasmus</i>, the dialogist affirmeth that
+a long nose is not without its domestic conveniencies also; for that in
+a case of distress&mdash;and for want of a pair of bellows, it will do
+excellently well, <i>ad <ins class = "correction"
+title = "text unchanged: expected form is ‘excitandum’">ixcitandum</ins> focum</i>
+(to&nbsp;stir up the fire).</p>
+
+<p>Nature had been prodigal in her gifts to my father beyond measure,
+and had sown the seeds of verbal criticism as deep within him, as she
+had done the seeds of all other knowledge&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;so that he
+had got out his penknife, and was trying experiments upon the sentence,
+to see if he could not scratch some better sense into
+it.&mdash;&mdash;I’ve got within a single letter, brother <i>Toby</i>,
+cried my father, of <i>Erasmus</i> his mystic meaning.&mdash;You are
+near enough, brother, replied my uncle, in all
+conscience.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Pshaw! cried my father, scratching
+on&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;might as well be seven miles off.&mdash;I’ve done
+it&mdash;said my father, snapping his fingers&mdash;See, my dear brother
+<i>Toby</i>, how I have mended the sense.&mdash;&mdash;But you have
+marr’d a word, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;My father put
+on his spectacles&mdash;&mdash;bit his lip&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and tore
+out the leaf in a passion.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page167" id = "page167">167</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXXVIII" id = "bookIII_chapXXXVIII">
+CHAPTER XXXVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><i>O Slawkenbergius!</i> thou faithful analyzer of my
+<i>Disgrazias</i>&mdash;thou sad foreteller of so many of the whips and
+short turns which in one stage or other of my life have come slap upon
+me from the shortness of my nose, and no other cause, that I am
+conscious of.&mdash;Tell me, <i>Slawkenbergius!</i> what secret impulse
+was it? what intonation of voice? whence came it? how did it sound in
+thy ears?&mdash;&mdash;art thou sure thou heard’st
+it?&mdash;&mdash;which first cried out to
+thee&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;go&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;go,
+<i>Slawkenbergius!</i> dedicate the labours of thy
+life&mdash;&mdash;neglect thy pastimes&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;call forth
+all the powers and faculties of thy nature&mdash;&mdash;macerate thyself
+in the service of mankind, and write a grand <span class =
+"smallroman">FOLIO</span> for them, upon the subject of their noses.</p>
+
+<p>How the communication was conveyed into <i>Slawkenbergius’s</i>
+sensorium&mdash;&mdash;so that <i>Slawkenbergius</i> should know whose
+finger touch’d the key&mdash;and whose hand it was that blew the
+bellows&mdash;&mdash;as <i>Hafen Slawkenbergius</i> has been dead and
+laid in his grave above fourscore and ten years&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;we
+can only raise conjectures.</p>
+
+<p><i>Slawkenbergius</i> was play’d upon, for aught I know, like one of
+<i>Whitefield’s</i> disciples&mdash;&mdash;that is, with such a distinct
+intelligence, Sir, of which of the two <i>masters</i> it was that had
+been practising upon his <i>instrument</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;as to
+make all reasoning upon it needless.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;For in the account which <i>Hafen
+Slawkenbergius</i> gives the world of his motives and occasions for
+writing, and spending so many years of his life upon this one
+work&mdash;towards the end of his prolegomena, which by the bye should
+have come first&mdash;&mdash;but the bookbinder has most injudiciously
+placed it betwixt the analytical contents of the book, and the book
+itself&mdash;he informs his reader, that ever since he had arrived at
+the age of discernment, and was able to sit down coolly, and consider
+within himself the true state and condition of man, and distinguish the
+main end and design of his being;&mdash;&mdash;or&mdash;to shorten my
+translation, for <i>Slawkenbergius’s</i> book is in <i>Latin</i>, and
+not a little prolix in this passage&mdash;ever since I understood, quoth
+<i>Slawkenbergius</i>, any thing&mdash;&mdash;or rather <i>what was
+what</i>&mdash;&mdash;and could perceive that the point of long noses
+had been too loosely handled by all who had gone
+before;&mdash;&mdash;have&nbsp;I, <i>Slawkenbergius</i>, felt a strong
+impulse, with a mighty and unresistible call within me, to gird up
+myself to this undertaking.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page168" id = "page168">168</a></span>
+<p>And to do justice to <i>Slawkenbergius</i>, he has entered the list
+with a stronger lance, and taken a much larger career in it than any one
+man who had ever entered it before him&mdash;&mdash;and indeed, in many
+respects, deserves to be <i>en-nich’d</i> as a prototype for all
+writers, of voluminous works at least, to model their books
+by&mdash;&mdash;for he has taken in, Sir, the whole
+subject&mdash;examined every part of it
+<i>dialectically</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;then brought it into full day;
+dilucidating it with all the light which either the collision of his own
+natural parts could strike&mdash;or the profoundest knowledge of the
+sciences had impowered him to cast upon it&mdash;collating, collecting,
+and compiling&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;begging, borrowing, and stealing, as
+he went along, all that had been wrote or wrangled thereupon in the
+schools and porticos of the learned: so that <i>Slawkenbergius</i> his
+book may properly be considered, not only as a model&mdash;but as a
+thorough-stitched <span class = "smallroman">DIGEST</span> and regular
+institute of <i>noses</i>, comprehending in it all that is or can be
+needful to be known about them.</p>
+
+<p>For this cause it is that I forbear to speak of so many (otherwise)
+valuable books and treatises of my father’s collecting, wrote either,
+plump upon noses&mdash;&mdash;or collaterally touching
+them;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;such for instance as <i>Prignitz</i>, now
+lying upon the table before me, who with infinite learning, and from the
+most candid and scholar-like examination of above four thousand
+different skulls, in upwards of twenty charnel-houses in <i>Silesia</i>,
+which he had rummaged&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;has informed us, that the
+mensuration and configuration of the osseous or bony parts of human
+noses, in any <i>given</i> tract of country, except <i>Crim Tartary</i>,
+where they are all crush’d down by the thumb, so that no judgment can be
+formed upon them&mdash;are much nearer alike, than the world
+imagines;&mdash;the difference amongst them being, he says, a&nbsp;mere
+trifle, not worth taking notice of;&mdash;&mdash;but that the size and
+jollity of every individual nose, and by which one nose ranks above
+another, and bears a higher price, is owing to the cartilaginous and
+muscular parts of it, into whose ducts and sinuses the blood and animal
+spirits being impell’d and driven by the warmth and force of the
+imagination, which is but a step from it (bating the case of idiots,
+whom <i>Prignitz</i>, who had lived many years in <i>Turky</i>, supposes
+under the more immediate tutelage of Heaven)&mdash;it so happens, and
+ever must, says <i>Prignitz</i>, that the excellency of the nose is in a
+direct arithmetical proportion to the excellency of the wearer’s
+fancy.</p>
+
+<p>It is for the same reason, that is, because ’tis all comprehended in
+<i>Slawkenbergius</i>, that I say nothing likewise of <i>Scroderus</i>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page169" id = "page169">169</a></span>
+(<i>Andrea</i>) who, all the world knows, set himself to oppugn
+<i>Prignitz</i> with great violence&mdash;proving it in his own way,
+first <i>logically</i>, and then by a series of stubborn facts, “That so
+far was <i>Prignitz</i> from the truth, in affirming that the fancy
+begat the nose, that on the contrary&mdash;the nose begat the
+fancy.”</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;The learned suspected <i>Scroderus</i> of an indecent sophism
+in this&mdash;and <i>Prignitz</i> cried out aloud in the dispute, that
+<i>Scroderus</i> had shifted the idea upon him&mdash;&mdash;but
+<i>Scroderus</i> went on, maintaining his thesis.</p>
+
+<p>My father was just balancing within himself, which of the two sides
+he should take in this affair; when <i>Ambrose ParĂŚus</i> decided it in
+a moment, and by overthrowing the systems, both of <i>Prignitz</i> and
+<i>Scroderus</i>, drove my father out of both sides of the controversy
+at once.</p>
+
+<p>Be witness&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>I don’t acquaint the learned reader&mdash;in saying it, I mention it
+only to shew the learned, I&nbsp;know the fact <span class =
+"locked">myself&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>That this <i>Ambrose ParĂŚus</i> was chief surgeon and nose-mender to
+<i>Francis</i> the ninth of <i>France</i>, and in high credit with him
+and the two preceding, or succeeding kings (I&nbsp;know not
+which)&mdash;and that, except in the slip he made in his story of
+<i>Taliacotius’s</i> noses, and his manner of setting them on&mdash;he
+was esteemed by the whole college of physicians at that time, as more
+knowing in matters of noses, than any one who had ever taken them in
+hand.</p>
+
+<p>Now <i>Ambrose ParĂŚus</i> convinced my father, that the true and
+efficient cause of what had engaged so much the attention of the world,
+and upon which <i>Prignitz</i> and <i>Scroderus</i> had wasted so much
+learning and fine parts&mdash;&mdash;was neither this nor
+that&mdash;&mdash;but that the length and goodness of the nose was owing
+simply to the softness and flaccidity in the nurse’s
+breast&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;as the flatness and shortness of
+<i>puisne</i> noses was to the firmness and elastic repulsion of the
+same organ of nutrition in the hale and lively&mdash;which, tho’ happy
+for the woman, was the undoing of the child, inasmuch as his nose was so
+snubb’d, so rebuff’d, so rebated, and so refrigerated thereby, as never
+to arrive <i>ad mensuram suam legitimam</i>;&mdash;&mdash;but that in
+case of the flaccidity and softness of the nurse or mother’s
+breast&mdash;by sinking into it, quoth <i>ParĂŚus</i>, as into so much
+butter, the nose was comforted, nourish’d, plump’d up, refresh’d,
+refocillated, and set a growing for ever.</p>
+
+<p>I have but two things to observe of <i>ParĂŚus</i>; first, That he
+proves and explains all this with the utmost chastity and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page170" id = "page170">170</a></span>
+decorum of expression:&mdash;for which may his soul for ever rest in
+peace!</p>
+
+<p>And, secondly, that besides the systems of <i>Prignitz</i> and
+<i>Scroderus</i>, which <i>Ambrose ParĂŚus</i> his hypothesis effectually
+overthrew&mdash;it overthrew at the same time the system of peace and
+harmony of our family; and for three days together, not only embroiled
+matters between my father and my mother, but turn’d likewise the whole
+house and everything in it, except my uncle <i>Toby</i>, quite upside
+down.</p>
+
+<p>Such a ridiculous tale of a dispute between a man and his wife, never
+surely in any age or country got vent through the key-hole of a
+street-door.</p>
+
+<p>My mother, you must know&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but I have fifty things
+more necessary to let you know first&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have a hundred
+difficulties which I have promised to clear up, and a thousand
+distresses and domestick misadventures crowding in upon me thick and
+threefold, one upon the neck of another. A&nbsp;cow broke in (to-morrow
+morning) to my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> fortifications, and eat up two
+rations and a half of dried grass, tearing up the sods with it, which
+faced his horn-work and covered way.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim</i> insists
+upon being tried by a court-martial&mdash;the cow to be
+shot&mdash;<i>Slop</i> to be <i>crucifix’d</i>&mdash;myself to be
+<i>tristram’d</i> and at my very baptism made a martyr
+of;&mdash;&mdash;poor unhappy devils that we all
+are!&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;want swaddling&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but there is
+no time to be lost in exclamations&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have left
+my father lying across his bed, and my uncle <i>Toby</i> in his old
+fringed chair, sitting beside him, and promised I would go back to them
+in half an hour; and five-and-thirty minutes are laps’d
+already.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Of all the perplexities a mortal author was
+ever seen in&mdash;&mdash;this certainly is the greatest, for I have
+<i>Hafen Slawkenbergius’s</i> folio, Sir, to
+finish&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;dialogue between my father and my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, upon the solution of <i>Prignitz</i>, <i>Scroderus</i>,
+<i>Ambrose ParĂŚus</i>, <i>Ponocrates</i>, and <i>Grangousier</i> to
+relate&mdash;a&nbsp;tale out of <i>Slawkenbergius</i> to translate, and
+all this in five minutes less than no time at
+all;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;such a head!&mdash;would to Heaven my enemies
+only saw the inside of&nbsp;it!</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXXXIX" id = "bookIII_chapXXXIX">
+CHAPTER XXXIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">There</span> was not any one scene more
+entertaining in our family&mdash;and to do it justice in this
+point;&mdash;&mdash;and I here put off my cap and lay it upon the table
+close beside my ink-horn, on
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page171" id = "page171">171</a></span>
+purpose to make my declaration to the world concerning this one article
+the more solemn&mdash;&mdash;that I believe in my soul (unless my love
+and partiality to my understanding blinds&nbsp;me) the hand of the
+supreme Maker and first Designer of all things never made or put a
+family together (in&nbsp;that period at least of it which I have sat
+down to write the story&nbsp;of)&mdash;&mdash;where the characters of it
+were cast or contrasted with so dramatick a felicity as ours was, for
+this end; or in which the capacities of affording such exquisite scenes,
+and the powers of shifting them perpetually from morning to night, were
+lodged and intrusted with so unlimited a confidence, as in the <span
+class = "smallcaps">Shandy Family</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Not any one of these was more diverting, I say, in this whimsical
+theatre of ours&mdash;&mdash;than what frequently arose out of this
+self-same chapter of long noses&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;especially when my
+father’s imagination was heated with the enquiry, and nothing would
+serve him but to heat my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> too.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> would give my father all possible fair play in
+this attempt; and with infinite patience would sit smoaking his pipe for
+whole hours together, whilst my father was practising upon his head, and
+trying every accessible avenue to drive <i>Prignitz</i> and
+<i>Scroderus’s</i> solutions into&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Whether they were above my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+reason&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;or contrary to it&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;or that
+his brain was like <i>damp</i> timber, and no spark could possibly take
+hold&mdash;&mdash;or that it was so full of saps, mines, blinds,
+curtins, and such military disqualifications to his seeing clearly into
+<i>Prignitz</i> and <i>Scroderus’s</i> doctrines&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;say
+not&mdash;let schoolmen&mdash;scullions, anatomists, and engineers,
+fight for it among <span class =
+"locked">themselves&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>’Twas some misfortune, I make no doubt, in this affair, that my
+father had every word of it to translate for the benefit of my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, and render out of <i>Slawkenbergius’s Latin</i>, of which,
+as he was no great master, his translation was not always of the
+purest&mdash;&mdash;and generally least so where ’twas most
+wanted.&mdash;This naturally open’d a door to a second
+misfortune;&mdash;&mdash;that in the warmer paroxysms of his zeal to
+open my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> eyes&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;my father’s ideas
+ran on as much faster than the translation, as the translation outmoved
+my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;neither the one or the other
+added much to the perspicuity of my father’s lecture.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page172" id = "page172">172</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXL" id = "bookIII_chapXL">
+CHAPTER XL</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> gift of ratiocination and making
+syllogisms&mdash;&mdash;I mean in man&mdash;for in superior classes of
+being, such as angels and spirits&mdash;&mdash;’tis all done, may it
+please your worships, as they tell me, by <span class =
+"smallcaps">Intuition</span>;&mdash;and beings inferior, as your
+worships all know&mdash;&mdash;syllogize by their noses: though there is
+an island swimming in the sea (though not altogether at its ease) whose
+inhabitants, if my intelligence deceives me not, are so wonderfully
+gifted, as to syllogize after the same fashion, and oft-times to make
+very well out too:&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but that’s neither here nor <span
+class = "locked">there&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The gift of doing it as it should be, amongst us, or&mdash;the great
+and principal act of ratiocination in man, as logicians tell us, is the
+finding out the agreement or disagreement of two ideas one with another,
+by the intervention of a third (called the <i>medius terminus</i>); just
+as a man, as <i>Locke</i> well observes, by a yard, finds two men’s
+nine-pin-alleys to be of the same length, which could not be brought
+together, to measure their equality, by <i>juxta-position</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Had the same great reasoner looked on, as my father illustrated his
+systems of noses, and observed my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+deportment&mdash;what great attention he gave to every word&mdash;and as
+oft as he took his pipe from his mouth, with what wonderful seriousness
+he contemplated the length of it&mdash;&mdash;surveying it transversely
+as he held it betwixt his finger and his thumb&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;then
+fore-right&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;then this way, and then that, in all its
+possible directions and foreshortenings&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;he would
+have concluded my uncle <i>Toby</i> had got hold of the <i>medius
+terminus</i>, and was syllogizing and measuring with it the truth of
+each hypothesis of long noses, in order, as my father laid them before
+him. This, by the bye, was more than my father wanted&mdash;&mdash;his
+aim in all the pains he was at in these philosophick lectures&mdash;was
+to enable my uncle <i>Toby</i> not to <i>discuss</i>&mdash;&mdash;but
+<i>comprehend</i>&mdash;&mdash;to <i>hold</i> the grains and scruples of
+learning&mdash;&mdash;not to <i>weigh</i> them.&mdash;&mdash;My uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, as you will read in the next chapter, did neither the one
+or the other.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXLI" id = "bookIII_chapXLI">
+CHAPTER XLI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">’Tis</span> a pity, cried my father one
+winter’s night, after a three hours’ painful translation of
+<i>Slawkenbergius</i>&mdash;&mdash;’tis a pity, cried
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page173" id = "page173">173</a></span>
+my father, putting my mother’s thread-paper into the book for a mark, as
+he spoke&mdash;&mdash;that truth, brother <i>Toby</i>, should shut
+herself up in such impregnable fastnesses, and be so obstinate as not to
+surrender herself sometimes up upon the closest <span class =
+"locked">siege.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Now it happened then, as indeed it had often done before, that my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> fancy, during the time of my father’s explanation of
+<i>Prignitz</i> to him&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;having nothing to stay it
+there, had taken a short flight to the
+bowling-green!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;his body might as well have taken a
+turn there too&mdash;so that with all the semblance of a deep school-man
+intent upon the <i>medius terminus</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> was in fact as ignorant of the whole lecture, and all its
+pros and cons, as if my father had been translating <i>Hafen
+Slawkenbergius</i> from the <i>Latin</i> tongue into the
+<i>Cherokee</i>. But the word <i>siege</i>, like a talismanic power, in
+my father’s metaphor, wafting back my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> fancy, quick
+as a note could follow the touch&mdash;he open’d his
+ears&mdash;&mdash;and my father observing that he took his pipe out of
+his mouth, and shuffled his chair nearer the table, as with a desire to
+profit&mdash;my father with great pleasure began his sentence
+again&mdash;&mdash;changing only the plan, and dropping the metaphor of
+the siege of it, to keep clear of some dangers my father apprehended
+from&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis a pity, said my father, that truth can only be on one side,
+brother <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;considering what ingenuity these
+learned men have all shewn in their solutions of noses.&mdash;&mdash;Can
+noses be dissolved? replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;My father thrust back his
+chair&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;rose up&mdash;put on his
+hat&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;took four long strides to the
+door&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;jerked it open&mdash;&mdash;thrust his head
+half way out&mdash;&mdash;shut the door again&mdash;&mdash;took no
+notice of the bad hinge&mdash;&mdash;returned to the table&mdash;pluck’d
+my mother’s thread-paper out of <i>Slawkenbergius’s</i>
+book&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;went hastily to his bureau&mdash;walked slowly
+back&mdash;twisted my mother’s thread-paper about his
+thumb&mdash;unbutton’d his waistcoat&mdash;threw my mother’s
+thread-paper into the fire&mdash;&mdash;bit her sattin pin-cushion in
+two, fill’d his mouth with bran&mdash;confounded it;&mdash;but
+mark!&mdash;the oath of confusion was levell’d at my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+brain&mdash;which was e’en confused enough already&mdash;&mdash;the
+curse came charged only with the bran&mdash;the bran, may it please your
+honours, was no more than powder to the ball.</p>
+
+<p>’Twas well my father’s passions lasted not long; for so long as they
+did last, they led him a busy life on’t; and it is one of the most
+unaccountable problems that ever I met with in my observations of human
+nature, that nothing should prove my father’s
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page174" id = "page174">174</a></span>
+mettle so much, or make his passions go off so like gunpowder, as the
+unexpected strokes his science met with from the quaint simplicity of my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> questions.&mdash;&mdash;Had ten dozen of hornets
+stung him behind in so many different places all at one time&mdash;he
+could not have exerted more mechanical functions in fewer
+seconds&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;or started half so much, as with one single
+<i>quĂŚre</i> of three words unseasonably popping in full upon him in his
+hobby-horsical career.</p>
+
+<p>’Twas all one to my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;he smoaked
+his pipe on with unvaried composure&mdash;&mdash;his heart never
+intended offence to his brother&mdash;and as his head could seldom find
+out where the sting of it lay&mdash;&mdash;he always gave my father the
+credit of cooling by himself.&mdash;&mdash;He was five minutes and
+thirty-five seconds about it in the present case.</p>
+
+<p>By all that’s good! said my father, swearing, as he came to himself,
+and taking the oath out of <i>Ernulphus’s</i> digest of
+curses&mdash;&mdash;(though to do my father justice it was a fault
+(as&nbsp;he told Dr. <i>Slop</i> in the affair of <i>Ernulphus</i>)
+which he as seldom committed as any man upon
+earth)&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;By all that’s good and great! brother
+<i>Toby</i>, said my father, if it was not for the aids of philosophy,
+which befriend one so much as they do&mdash;you would put a man beside
+all temper.&mdash;&mdash;Why, by the <i>solutions</i> of noses, of which
+I was telling you, I&nbsp;meant, as you might have known, had you
+favoured me with one grain of attention, the various accounts which
+learned men of different kinds of knowledge have given the world of the
+causes of short and long noses.&mdash;&mdash;There is no cause but one,
+replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;why one man’s nose is longer
+than another’s, but because that God pleases to have it
+so.&mdash;&mdash;That is <i>Grangousier’s</i> solution, said my
+father.&mdash;’Tis he, continued my uncle <i>Toby</i>, looking up, and
+not regarding my father’s interruption, who makes us all, and frames and
+puts us together in such forms and proportions, and for such ends, as is
+agreeable to his infinite wisdom.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis a pious account,
+cried my father, but not philosophical&mdash;&mdash;there is more
+religion in it than sound science. ’Twas no inconsistent part of my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> character&mdash;&mdash;that he feared God, and
+reverenced religion.&mdash;&mdash;So the moment my father finished his
+remark&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> fell a whistling
+<i>Lillabullero</i> with more zeal (though more out of tune) than <span
+class = "locked">usual.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>What is become of my wife’s thread-paper?</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page175" id = "page175">175</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIII_chapXLII" id = "bookIII_chapXLII">
+CHAPTER XLII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">No</span> matter&mdash;as an appendage to
+seamstressy, the thread-paper might be of some consequence to my
+mother&mdash;of none to my father, as a mark in <i>Slawkenbergius</i>.
+<i>Slawkenbergius</i> in every page of him was a rich treasure of
+inexhaustible knowledge to my father&mdash;he could not open him amiss;
+and he would often say in closing the book, that if all the arts and
+sciences in the world, with the books which treated of them, were
+lost&mdash;should the wisdom and policies of governments, he would say,
+through disuse, ever happen to be forgot, and all that statesmen had
+wrote or caused to be written, upon the strong or the weak sides of
+courts and kingdoms, should they be forgot also&mdash;and
+<i>Slawkenbergius</i> only left&mdash;&mdash;there would be enough in
+him in all conscience, he would say, to set the world a-going again.
+A&nbsp;treasure therefore was he indeed! an institute of all that was
+necessary to be known of noses, and everything else&mdash;at
+<i>matin</i>, noon, and vespers was <i>Hafen Slawkenbergius</i> his
+recreation and delight: ’twas for ever in his hands&mdash;&mdash;you
+would have sworn, Sir, it had been a canon’s prayer-book&mdash;so worn,
+so glazed, so contrited and attrited was it with fingers and with thumbs
+in all its parts, from one end even unto the other.</p>
+
+<p>I am not such a bigot to <i>Slawkenbergius</i> as my
+father;&mdash;&mdash;there is a fund in him, no doubt: but in my
+opinion, the best, I&nbsp;don’t say the most profitable, but the most
+amusing part of <i>Hafen Slawkenbergius</i>, is his
+tales&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and, considering he was a <i>German</i>, many
+of them told not without fancy:&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;these take up his
+second book, containing nearly one half of his folio, and are
+comprehended in ten decads, each decad containing ten
+tales&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Philosophy is not built upon tales; and
+therefore ’twas certainly wrong in <i>Slawkenbergius</i> to send them
+into the world by that name!&mdash;&mdash;there are a few of them in his
+eighth, ninth, and tenth decads, which I own seem rather playful and
+sportive, than speculative&mdash;but in general they are to be looked
+upon by the learned as a detail of so many independent facts, all of
+them turning round somehow or other upon the main hinges of his subject,
+and collected by him with great fidelity, and added to his work as so
+many illustrations upon the doctrines of noses.</p>
+
+<p>As we have leisure enough upon our hands&mdash;&mdash;if you give me
+leave, madam, I’ll tell you the ninth tale of his tenth decad.</p>
+
+<div class = "footnote">
+
+<p><a name = "note_3_1" id = "note_3_1" href = "#tag_3_1">1.</a>
+Vide <a href = "#page105">page 105</a>.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_3_2" id = "note_3_2" href = "#tag_3_2">2.</a>
+As the genuineness of the consultation of the <i>Sorbonne</i> upon the
+question of baptism, was doubted by some, and denied by
+others&mdash;&mdash;’twas thought proper to print the original of this
+excommunication; for the copy of which Mr. <i>Shandy</i> returns thanks
+to the chapter clerk of the dean and chapter of <i>Rochester</i>.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_3_3" id = "note_3_3" href = "#tag_3_3">3.</a>
+Vide Locke.</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<table class = "parallel" summary = "parallel text">
+<tr>
+<td>
+<span class = "pagenum left">
+<a name = "page176" id = "page176">176</a></span>
+<h3><a name = "bookIV" id = "bookIV">BOOK IV</a></h3>
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_slawkenberg" id = "bookIV_slawkenberg">
+SLAWKENBERGII FABELLA</a><a class = "tag" name = "tag_4_1" id =
+"tag_4_1" href = "#note_4_1">1</a></h4>
+</td>
+<td>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page177" id = "page177">177</a></span>
+
+<h3>BOOK IV</h3>
+
+<h4>SLAWKENBERGIUS’S TALE</h4>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Vespera quâdam frigidulâ, posteriori in parte mensis
+<em>Augusti</em>, peregrinus, mulo fusco colore insidens, manticâ a
+tergo, paucis indusiis, binis calceis, braccisque sericis coccineis
+repleta, <em>Argentoratum</em> ingressus est.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>It was one cool refreshing evening, at the close of a very sultry
+day, in the latter end of the month of <i>August</i>, when a stranger,
+mounted upon a dark mule, with a small cloak-bag behind him, containing
+a few shirts, a&nbsp;pair of shoes, and a crimson-sattin pair of
+breeches, entered the town of <i>Strasburg</i>.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Militi eum percontanti, quum portas intraret dixit, se apud
+Nasorum promontorium fuisse, Francofurtum proficisci, et Argentoratum,
+transitu ad fines SarmatiĂŚ mensis intervallo, reversurum.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>He told the centinel, who questioned him as he entered the gates,
+that he had been at the Promontory of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Noses</span>&mdash;was going on to
+<i>Frankfort</i>&mdash;&mdash;and should be back again at
+<i>Strasburg</i> that day month, in his way to the borders of <i>Crim
+Tartary</i>.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Miles peregrini in faciem suspexit&mdash;&mdash;DĂŽ boni, nova
+forma nasi!</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>The centinel looked up into the stranger’s face&mdash;&mdash;he never
+saw such a Nose in his life!</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>At multum mihi profuit, inquit peregrinus, carpum amento
+extrahens, e&nbsp;quo pependit acinaces: Loculo manum inseruit; et magnâ
+cum urbanitate, pilei parte anteriore tactâ manu sinistrâ, ut extendit
+dextram, militi florinum dedit et processit.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&mdash;I have made a very good venture of it, quoth the
+stranger&mdash;so slipping his wrist out of the loop of a black ribbon,
+to which a short scymetar was hung, he put his hand into his pocket, and
+with great courtesy touching the fore part of his cap with his left
+hand, as he extended his right&mdash;&mdash;he put a florin into the
+centinel’s hand, and passed&nbsp;on.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Dolet mihi, ait miles, tympanistam nanum et valgum alloquens,
+virum adeo urbanum vaginam perdidisse: itinerari haud poterit nudâ
+acinaci; neque vaginam toto <em>Argentorato</em>, habilem
+inveniet.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Nullam unquam habui, respondit peregrinus
+respiciens&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;seque comiter inclinans&mdash;hoc more
+gesto, nudam acinacem elevans, mulo lentò progrediente, ut nasum tueri
+possim.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>It grieves me, said the centinel, speaking to a little dwarfish
+bandy-legg’d drummer, that so courteous a soul should have lost his
+scabbard&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;he cannot travel without one to his
+scymetar, and will not be able to get a scabbard to fit it in all
+<i>Strasburg</i>.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never had one, replied the
+stranger, looking back to the centinel, and putting his hand up to his
+cap as he spoke&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;carry it, continued he,
+thus&mdash;&mdash;holding up his naked scymetar, his mule moving on
+slowly all the time&mdash;on purpose to defend my nose.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Non immerito, benigne peregrine, respondit miles.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>It is well worth it, gentle stranger, replied the centinel.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Nihili Ìstimo, ait ille tympanista, e pergamenâ factitius
+est.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis not worth a single stiver, said the bandy-legg’d
+drummer&mdash;&mdash;’tis a nose of parchment.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Prout christianus sum, inquit miles, nasus ille, ni sexties major
+sit, meo esset conformis.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>As I am a true catholic&mdash;except that it is six times as
+big&mdash;’tis a nose, said the centinel, like my own.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Crepitare audivi ait tympanista.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&mdash;I heard it crackle, said the drummer.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<span class = "pagenum left">
+<a name = "page178" id = "page178">178</a></span>
+<p><i>Mehercule! sanguinem emisit, respondit miles.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page179" id = "page179">179</a></span>
+<p>By dunder, said the centinel, I saw it bleed.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Miseret me, inquit tympanista, qui non ambo tetigimus!</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>What a pity, cried the bandy-legg’d drummer, we did not both touch
+it!</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Eodem temporis puncto, quo hĂŚc res argumentata fuit inter militem
+et tympanistam, disceptabatur ibidem tubicine et uxore suâ qui tunc
+accesserunt, et peregrino prĂŚtereunte, restiterunt.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>At the very time that this dispute was maintaining by the centinel
+and the drummer&mdash;was the same point debating betwixt a trumpeter
+and a trumpeter’s wife, who were just then coming up, and had stopped to
+see the stranger pass&nbsp;by.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Quantus nasus! ĂŚque longus est, ait tubicina, ac tuba.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p><i>Benedicity!</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;What a nose! ’tis as long,
+said the trumpeter’s wife, as a trumpet.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Et ex eodem metallo, ait tubicen, velut sternutamento
+audias.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>And of the same metal, said the trumpeter, as you hear by its
+sneezing.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Tantum abest, respondit illa, quod fistulam dulcedine
+vincit.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>’Tis as soft as a flute, said she.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Æneus est, ait tubicen.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&mdash;’Tis brass, said the trumpeter.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Nequaquam, respondit uxor.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&mdash;’Tis a pudding’s end, said his wife.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Rursum affirmo, ait tubicen, quod ĂŚneus est.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>I tell thee again, said the trumpeter, ’tis a brazen nose.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Rem penitus explorabo; prius, enim digito tangam, ait uxor, quam
+dormivero.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>I’ll know the bottom of it, said the trumpeter’s wife, for I will
+touch it with my finger before I sleep.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Mulus peregrini gradu lento progressus est, ut unumquodque verbum
+controversiĂŚ, non tantum inter militem et tympanistam, verum etiam inter
+tubicinem et uxorem ejus, audiret.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>The stranger’s mule moved on at so slow a rate, that he heard every
+word of the dispute, not only betwixt the centinel and the drummer, but
+betwixt the trumpeter and trumpeter’s wife.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Nequaquam, ait ille, in muli collum frĂŚna demittens, et manibus
+ambabus in pectus positis, (mulo lentè progrediente) nequaquam, ait ille
+respiciens, non necesse est ut res isthĂŚc dilucidata foret. Minime
+gentium! meus nasus nunquam tangetur, dum spiritus hos reget
+artus&mdash;Ad quid agendum? ait uxor burgomagistri.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>No! said he, dropping his reins upon his mule’s neck, and laying both
+his hands upon his breast, the one over the other, in a saint-like
+position (his mule going on easily all the time) No! said he, looking
+up&mdash;I&nbsp;am not such a debtor to the world&mdash;&mdash;slandered
+and disappointed as I have been&mdash;as to give it that
+conviction&mdash;&mdash;no! said he, my nose shall never be touched
+whilst Heaven gives me strength&mdash;&mdash;To do what? said a
+burgomaster’s wife.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Peregrinus illi non respondit. Votum faciebat tunc temporis sancto
+Nicolao; quo facto, in sinum dextrum inserens, e&nbsp;quâ negligenter
+pependit acinaces, lento gradu processit per plateam Argentorati latam
+quĂŚ ad diversorium templo ex adversum ducit.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>The stranger took no notice of the burgomaster’s
+wife&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;he was making a vow to <i>Saint Nicolas</i>;
+which done, having uncrossed his arms with the same solemnity with which
+he crossed them, he took up the reins of his bridle with his left hand,
+and putting his right hand into his bosom, with his scymetar hanging
+loosely to the wrist of it, he rode on, as slowly as one foot of the
+mule could follow another, thro’ the principal streets of
+<i>Strasburg</i>, till chance brought him to the great inn in the
+market-place over against the church.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Peregrinus mulo descendens stabulo includi, et manticam inferri
+jussit: quâ apertâ et coccineis sericis femoralibus extractis cum
+argenteo laciniato <ins class = "correction greek"
+title = "Perizômata [printed Περιζώμαυτὲ Perizômaute]">Περιζώματα</ins>, his sese induit,
+statimque, acinaci in manu, ad forum deambulavit.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>The moment the stranger alighted, he ordered his mule to be led into
+the stable, and his cloak-bag to be brought in; then opening, and taking
+out of it his crimson-sattin breeches, with a
+silver-fringed&mdash;(appendage to them, which I dare not
+translate)&mdash;he put his breeches, with his fringed codpiece on, and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page181" id = "page181">181</a></span>
+forthwith, with his short scymetar in his hand, walked out on to the
+grand parade.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<span class = "pagenum left">
+<a name = "page180" id = "page180">180</a></span>
+<p><i>Quod ubi peregrinus esset ingressus, uxorem tubicinis obviam
+euntem aspicit; illico cursum flectit, metuens ne nasus suus
+exploraretur, atque ad diversorium regressus est&mdash;exuit se
+vestibus; braccas coccineas sericas manticĂŚ imposuit mulumque educi
+jussit.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>The stranger had just taken three turns upon the parade, when he
+perceived the trumpeter’s wife at the opposite side of it&mdash;so
+turning short, in pain lest his nose should be attempted, he instantly
+went back to his inn&mdash;undressed himself, packed up his
+crimson-sattin breeches, &amp;c., in his cloak-bag, and called for his
+mule.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Francofurtum proficiscor, ait ille, et Argentoratum quatuor abhinc
+hebdomadis revertar.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>I am going forwards, said the stranger, for
+<i>Frankfort</i>&mdash;&mdash;and shall be back at <i>Strasburg</i> this
+day month.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Bene curasti hoc jumentum? (ait) muli faciem manu
+demulcens&mdash;me, manticamque mean, plus sexcentis mille passibus
+portavit.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>I hope, continued the stranger, stroking down the face of his mule
+with his left hand as he was going to mount it, that you have been kind
+to this faithful slave of mine&mdash;it has carried me and my cloak-bag,
+continued he, tapping the mule’s back, above six hundred leagues.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Longa via est! respondet hospes, nisi plurimum esset
+negoti.&mdash;Enimvero, ait peregrinus, a&nbsp;Nasorum promontorio
+redii, et nasum speciosissimum, egregiosissimumque quem unquam quisquam
+sortitus est, acquisivi.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis a long journey, Sir, replied the master of the
+inn&mdash;&mdash;unless a man has great business.&mdash;&mdash;Tut! tut!
+said the stranger, I&nbsp;have been at the Promontory of Noses; and have
+got me one of the goodliest, thank Heaven, that ever fell to a single
+man’s lot.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Dum peregrinus hanc miram rationem de seipso reddit, hospes et
+uxor ejus, oculis intentis, peregrini nasum
+contemplantur&mdash;&mdash;Per sanctos sanctasque omnes, ait hospitis
+uxor, nasis duodecim maximis in toto Argentorato major est!&mdash;estne,
+ait illa mariti in aurem insusurrans, nonne est nasus
+prĂŚgrandis?</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>Whilst the stranger was giving this odd account of himself, the
+master of the inn and his wife kept both their eyes fixed full upon the
+stranger’s nose&mdash;&mdash;By saint <i>Radagunda</i>, said the
+inn-keeper’s wife to herself, there is more of it than in any dozen of
+the largest noses put together in all <i>Strasburg!</i> is it not, said
+she, whispering her husband in his ear, is it not a noble nose?</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Dolus inest, anime mĂŽ, ait hospes&mdash;nasus est falsus.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>’Tis an imposture, my dear, said the master of the
+inn&mdash;&mdash;’tis a false nose.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Verus est, respondit uxor&mdash;&mdash;</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>’Tis a true nose, said his wife.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Ex abiete factus est, ait ille, terebinthinum
+olet&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>’Tis made of fir-tree, said he, I smell the <span class =
+"locked">turpentine.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Carbunculus inest, ait uxor.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>There’s a pimple on it, said she.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Mortuus est nasus, respondit hospes.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>’Tis a dead nose, replied the inn-keeper.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Vivus est ait illa,&mdash;et si ipsa vivam tangam.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>’Tis a live nose, and if I am alive myself, said the inn-keeper’s
+wife, I&nbsp;will touch&nbsp;it.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Votum feci sancto Nicolao, ait peregrinus, nasum meum intactum
+fore usque ad&mdash;Quodnam tempus? illico respondit illa.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>I have made a vow to saint <i>Nicolas</i> this day, said the
+stranger, that my nose shall not be touched till&mdash;Here the
+stranger, suspending his voice, looked up.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Till
+when? said she hastily.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p><i>Minimo tangetur, inquit ille (manibus in pectus compositis) usque
+ad illam horam&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Quam horam? ait
+illa&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Nullam, respondit peregrinus, donec pervenio
+ad&mdash;Quem locum,&mdash;obsecro? ait illa&mdash;&mdash;Peregrinus nil
+respondens mulo conscenso discessit.</i></p>
+</td>
+<td>
+<p>It never shall be touched, said he, clasping his hands and bringing
+them close to his breast, till that hour&mdash;What hour? cried the
+inn-keeper’s wife.&mdash;Never!&mdash;never! said the stranger, never
+till I am got&mdash;For Heaven’s sake, into what place? said
+she&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;The stranger rode away without saying a
+word.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page182" id = "page182">182</a></span>
+<p>The stranger had not got half a league on his way towards
+<i>Frankfort</i> before all the city of <i>Strasburg</i> was in an
+uproar about his nose. The <i>Compline</i> bells were just ringing to
+call the <i>Strasburgers</i> to their devotions, and shut up the duties
+of the day in prayer:&mdash;no soul in all <i>Strasburg</i> heard
+’em&mdash;the city was like a swarm of bees&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;men,
+women, and children (the <i>Compline</i> bells tinkling all the time)
+flying here and there&mdash;in at one door, out at
+another&mdash;&mdash;this way and that way&mdash;long ways and cross
+ways&mdash;up one street, down another street&mdash;&mdash;in at this
+alley, out of that&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;did you see it? did you see it?
+did you see it? O! did you see it?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;who saw it? who
+did see it? for mercy’s sake, who saw&nbsp;it?</p>
+
+<p>Alack o’day! I was at vespers!&mdash;I was washing, I was starching,
+I&nbsp;was scouring, I&nbsp;was quilting&mdash;&mdash;God help me!
+I&nbsp;never saw it&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never touch’d
+it!&mdash;&mdash;would I had been a centinel, a&nbsp;bandy-legg’d
+drummer, a&nbsp;trumpeter, a&nbsp;trumpeter’s wife, was the general cry
+and lamentation in every street and corner of <i>Strasburg</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst all this confusion and disorder triumphed throughout the great
+city of <i>Strasburg</i>, was the courteous stranger going on as gently
+upon his mule in his way to <i>Frankfort</i>, as if he had no concern at
+all in the affair&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;talking all the way he rode in
+broken sentences, sometimes to his mule&mdash;sometimes to
+himself&mdash;sometimes to his Julia.</p>
+
+<p>O Julia, my lovely Julia!&mdash;nay, I cannot stop to let thee bite
+that thistle&mdash;&mdash;that ever the suspected tongue of a rival
+should have robbed me of enjoyment when I was upon the point of tasting
+<span class = "locked">it.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Pugh!&mdash;’tis nothing but a thistle&mdash;never mind
+it&mdash;&mdash;thou shalt have a better supper at night.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Banish’d from my country&mdash;&mdash;my
+friends&mdash;&mdash;from thee.&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Poor devil, thou’rt sadly tired with thy
+journey!&mdash;&mdash;come&mdash;get on a little faster&mdash;there’s
+nothing in my cloak-bag but two
+shirts&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;crimson-sattin pair of breeches, and a
+fringed&mdash;&mdash;Dear Julia.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But why to <i>Frankfort</i>&mdash;is it that there is a
+hand unfelt, which secretly is conducting me through these meanders and
+unsuspected tracts?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Stumbling! by saint <i>Nicolas!</i> every
+step&mdash;why, at this rate we shall be all night in getting <span
+class = "locked">in&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;To happiness&mdash;&mdash;or am I to be the sport of
+fortune and slander&mdash;destined to be driven forth
+unconvicted&mdash;&mdash;unheard&mdash;&mdash;untouch’d&mdash;&mdash;if
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page183" id = "page183">183</a></span>
+so, why did I not stay at <i>Strasburg</i>, where justice&mdash;but I
+had sworn! Come, thou shalt drink&mdash;to <i>St.
+Nicolas</i>&mdash;O&nbsp;Julia!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;What dost thou prick
+up thy ears at?&mdash;&mdash;’tis nothing but a man, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>The stranger rode on communing in this manner with his mule and
+Julia&mdash;till he arrived at his inn, where, as soon as he arrived, he
+alighted&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;saw his mule, as he had promised it, taken
+good care of&mdash;&mdash;took off his cloak-bag, with his
+crimson-sattin breeches, &amp;c., in it&mdash;called for an omelet to
+his supper, went to his bed about twelve o’clock, and in five minutes
+fell fast asleep.</p>
+
+<p>It was about the same hour when the tumult in <i>Strasburg</i> being
+abated for that night,&mdash;the <i>Strasburgers</i> had all got quietly
+into their beds&mdash;but not like the stranger, for the rest either of
+their minds or bodies; queen <i>Mab</i>, like an elf as she was, had
+taken the stranger’s nose, and without reduction of its bulk, had that
+night been at the pains of slitting and dividing it into as many noses
+of different cuts and fashions, as there were heads in <i>Strasburg</i>
+to hold them. The abbess of <i>Quedlingberg</i>, who with the four great
+dignitaries of her chapter, the prioress, the deaness, the
+sub-chantress, and senior canoness, had that week come to
+<i>Strasburg</i> to consult the university upon a case of conscience
+relating to their placket-holes&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;was ill all the
+night.</p>
+
+<p>The courteous stranger’s nose had got perched upon the top of the
+pineal gland of her brain, and made such rousing work in the fancies of
+the four great dignitaries of her chapter, they could not get a wink of
+sleep the whole night thro’ for it&mdash;&mdash;there was no keeping a
+limb still amongst them&mdash;&mdash;in short, they got up like so many
+ghosts.</p>
+
+<p>The penitentiaries of the third order of saint
+<i>Francis</i>&mdash;&mdash;the nuns of mount
+<i>Calvary</i>&mdash;&mdash;the <i>PrĂŚmonstratenses</i>&mdash;&mdash;the
+<i>Clunienses</i><a class = "tag" name = "tag_4_2" id = "tag_4_2" href =
+"#note_4_2">2</a>&mdash;&mdash;the <i>Carthusians</i>, and all the
+severer orders of nuns who lay that night in blankets or hair-cloth,
+were still in a worse condition than the abbess of
+<i>Quedlingberg</i>&mdash;by tumbling and tossing, and tossing and
+tumbling from one side of their beds to the other the whole night
+long&mdash;&mdash;the several sisterhoods had scratch’d and maul’d
+themselves all to death&mdash;&mdash;they got out of their beds almost
+flay’d alive&mdash;everybody thought saint <i>Antony</i> had visited
+them for probation with his fire&mdash;&mdash;they had never once, in
+short, shut their eyes the whole night long from vespers to matins.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page184" id = "page184">184</a></span>
+<p>The nuns of saint <i>Ursula</i> acted the wisest&mdash;they never
+attempted to go to bed at all.</p>
+
+<p>The dean of <i>Strasburg</i>, the prebendaries, the capitulars and
+domiciliars (capitularly assembled in the morning to consider the case
+of butter’d buns) all wished they had followed the nuns of saint
+<i>Ursula’s</i> <span class =
+"locked">example.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>In the hurry and confusion everything had been in the night before,
+the bakers had all forgot to lay their leaven&mdash;there were no
+butter’d buns to be had for breakfast in all <i>Strasburg</i>&mdash;the
+whole close of the cathedral was in one eternal
+commotion&mdash;&mdash;such a cause of restlessness and disquietude, and
+such a zealous inquiry into the cause of that restlessness, had never
+happened in <i>Strasburg</i>, since <i>Martin Luther</i>, with his
+doctrines, had turned the city upside down.</p>
+
+<p>If the stranger’s nose took this liberty of thrusting himself thus
+into the dishes<a class = "tag" name = "tag_4_3" id = "tag_4_3" href =
+"#note_4_3">3</a> of religious orders, &amp;c., what a carnival did his
+nose make of it, in those of the laity!&mdash;’tis more than my pen,
+worn to the stump as it is, has power to describe; tho’
+I&nbsp;acknowledge, (<i>cries <em>Slawkenbergius</em>, with more gaiety
+of thought than I could have expected from him</i>) that there is many a
+good simile now subsisting in the world which might give my countrymen
+some idea of it; but at the close of such a folio as this, wrote for
+their sakes, and in which I have spent the greatest part of my
+life&mdash;&mdash;tho’ I&nbsp;own to them the simile is in being, yet
+would it not be unreasonable in them to expect I should have either time
+or inclination to search for it? Let it suffice to say, that the riot
+and disorder it occasioned in the <i>Strasburgers’</i> fantasies was so
+general&mdash;such an overpowering mastership had it got of all the
+faculties of the <i>Strasburgers’</i> minds&mdash;so many strange
+things, with equal confidence on all sides, and with equal eloquence in
+all places, were spoken and sworn to concerning it, that turned the
+whole stream of all discourse and wonder towards it&mdash;every soul,
+good and bad&mdash;rich and poor&mdash;learned and
+unlearned&mdash;&mdash;doctor and student&mdash;&mdash;mistress and
+maid&mdash;&mdash;gentle and simple&mdash;&mdash;nun’s flesh and woman’s
+flesh, in <i>Strasburg</i> spent their time in hearing tidings about
+it&mdash;every eye in <i>Strasburg</i> languished to see
+it&mdash;&mdash;every finger&mdash;&mdash;every thumb in
+<i>Strasburg</i> burned to touch&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Now what might add, if anything may be thought necessary to add, to
+so vehement a desire&mdash;was this, that the centinel, the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page185" id = "page185">185</a></span>
+bandy-legg’d drummer, the trumpeter, the trumpeter’s wife, the
+burgomaster’s widow, the master of the inn, and the master of the inn’s
+wife, how widely soever they all differed every one from another in
+their testimonies and description of the stranger’s nose&mdash;they all
+agreed together in two points&mdash;namely, that he was gone to
+<i>Frankfort</i>, and would not return to <i>Strasburg</i> till that day
+month; and secondly, whether his nose was true or false, that the
+stranger himself was one of the most perfect paragons of
+beauty&mdash;the finest-made man&mdash;the most genteel!&mdash;the most
+generous of his purse&mdash;the most courteous in his carriage that had
+ever entered the gates of <i>Strasburg</i>&mdash;that as he rode, with
+scymetar slung loosely to his wrist, thro’ the streets&mdash;and walked
+with his crimson-sattin breeches across the parade&mdash;’twas with so
+sweet an air of careless modesty, and so manly withal&mdash;&mdash;as
+would have put the heart in jeopardy (had his nose not stood in his way)
+of every virgin who had cast her eyes upon him.</p>
+
+<p>I call not upon that heart which is a stranger to the throbs and
+yearnings of curiosity, so excited, to justify the abbess of
+<i>Quedlingberg</i>, the prioress, the deaness, and sub-chantress, for
+sending at noon-day for the trumpeter’s wife: she went through the
+streets of <i>Strasburg</i> with her husband’s trumpet in her
+hand,&mdash;&mdash;the best apparatus the straitness of the time would
+allow her, for the illustration of her theory&mdash;she staid no longer
+than three days.</p>
+
+<p>The centinel and bandy-legg’d drummer!&mdash;&mdash;nothing on this
+side of old <i>Athens</i> could equal them! they read their lectures
+under the city-gates to comers and goers, with all the pomp of a
+<i>Chrysippus</i> and a <i>Crantor</i> in their porticos.</p>
+
+<p>The master of the inn, with his ostler on his left-hand, read his
+also in the same stile&mdash;under the portico or gateway of his
+stable-yard&mdash;his wife, hers more privately in a back room: all
+flocked to their lectures; not promiscuously&mdash;but to this or that,
+as is ever the way, as faith and credulity marshal’d
+them&mdash;&mdash;in a word, each <i>Strasburger</i> came crouding for
+intelligence&mdash;&mdash;and every <i>Strasburger</i> had the
+intelligence he wanted.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis worth remarking, for the benefit of all demonstrators in natural
+philosophy, &amp;c., that as soon as the trumpeter’s wife had finished
+the abbess of <i>Quedlingberg’s</i> private lecture, and had begun to
+read in public, which she did upon a stool in the middle of the great
+parade,&mdash;&mdash;she incommoded the other demonstrators mainly, by
+gaining incontinently the most fashionable part of the city of
+<i>Strasburg</i> for her auditory&mdash;&mdash;But when a demonstrator
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page186" id = "page186">186</a></span>
+in philosophy (cries <i>Slawkenbergius</i>) has a <i>trumpet</i> for an
+apparatus, pray what rival in science can pretend to be heard besides
+him?</p>
+
+<p>Whilst the unlearned, thro’ these conduits of intelligence, were all
+busied in getting down to the bottom of the well, where <span class =
+"smallcaps">Truth</span> keeps her little court&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;were
+the learned in their way as busy in pumping her up thro’ the conduits of
+dialect induction&mdash;&mdash;they concerned themselves not with
+facts&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;they <span class =
+"locked">reasoned&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Not one profession had thrown more light upon this subject than the
+Faculty&mdash;had not all their disputes about it run into the affair of
+<i>Wens</i> and œdematous swellings, they could not keep clear of them
+for their bloods and souls&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;the stranger’s nose had
+nothing to do either with wens or œdematous swellings.</p>
+
+<p>It was demonstrated however very satisfactorily, that such a
+ponderous mass of heterogeneous matter could not be congested and
+conglomerated to the nose, whilst the infant was <i>in Utero</i>,
+without destroying the statical balance of the fœtus, and throwing it
+plump upon its head nine months before the <span class =
+"locked">time.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The opponents granted the theory&mdash;&mdash;they
+denied the consequences.</p>
+
+<p>And if a suitable provision of veins, arteries, &amp;c., said they,
+was not laid in, for the due nourishment of such a nose, in the very
+first stamina and rudiments of its formation, before it came into the
+world (bating the case of Wens) it could not regularly grow and be
+sustained afterwards.</p>
+
+<p>This was all answered by a dissertation upon nutriment, and the
+effect which nutriment had in extending the vessels, and in the increase
+and prolongation of the muscular parts of the greatest growth and
+expansion imaginable&mdash;In the triumph of which theory, they went so
+far as to affirm, that there was no cause in nature, why a nose might
+not grow to the size of the man himself.</p>
+
+<p>The respondents satisfied the world this event could never happen to
+them so long as a man had but one stomach and one pair of
+lungs&mdash;&mdash;For the stomach, said they, being the only organ
+destined for the reception of food, and turning it into chyle&mdash;and
+the lungs the only engine of sanguification&mdash;it could possibly work
+off no more, than what the appetite brought it: or admitting the
+possibility of a man’s overloading his stomach, nature had set bounds
+however to his lungs&mdash;the engine was of a determined size and
+strength, and could elaborate but a certain
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page187" id = "page187">187</a></span>
+quantity in a given time&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;that is, it could produce
+just as much blood as was sufficient for one single man, and no more; so
+that, if there was as much nose as man&mdash;&mdash;they proved a
+mortification must necessarily ensue; and forasmuch as there could not
+be a support for both, that the nose must either fall off from the man,
+or the man inevitably fall off from his nose.</p>
+
+<p>Nature accommodates herself to these emergencies, cried the
+opponents&mdash;else what do you say to the case of a whole
+stomach&mdash;a&nbsp;whole pair of lungs, and but <i>half</i> a man,
+when both his legs have been unfortunately shot off?</p>
+
+<p>He dies of a plethora, said they&mdash;or must spit blood, and in a
+fortnight or three weeks go off in a <span class =
+"locked">consumption.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It happens otherwise&mdash;replied the
+opponents.&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>It ought not, said they.</p>
+
+<p>The more curious and intimate inquirers after nature and her doings,
+though they went hand in hand a good way together, yet they all divided
+about the nose at last, almost as much as the Faculty itself.</p>
+
+<p>They amicably laid it down, that there was a just and geometrical
+arrangement and proportion of the several parts of the human frame to
+its several destinations, offices, and functions which could not be
+transgressed but within certain limits&mdash;that nature, though she
+sported&mdash;&mdash;she sported within a certain circle;&mdash;and they
+could not agree about the diameter of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>The logicians stuck much closer to the point before them than any of
+the classes of the literati;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;they began and ended
+with the word Nose; and had it not been for a <i>petitio principii</i>,
+which one of the ablest of them ran his head against in the beginning of
+the combat, the whole controversy had been settled at once.</p>
+
+<p>A nose, argued the logician, cannot bleed without blood&mdash;and not
+only blood&mdash;but blood circulating in it to supply the phĂŚnomenon
+with a succession of drops&mdash;(a&nbsp;stream being but a quicker
+succession of drops, that is included, said&nbsp;he).&mdash;&mdash;Now
+death, continued the logician, being nothing but the stagnation of the
+<span class = "locked">blood&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I deny the definition&mdash;&mdash;Death is the separation of the
+soul from the body, said his antagonist&mdash;&mdash;Then we don’t agree
+about our weapons, said the logician&mdash;Then there is an end of the
+dispute, replied the antagonist.</p>
+
+<p>The civilians were still more concise: what they offered being more
+in the nature of a decree&mdash;&mdash;than a dispute.</p>
+
+<p>Such a monstrous nose, said they, had it been a true nose,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page188" id = "page188">188</a></span>
+could not possibly have been suffered in civil society&mdash;&mdash;and
+if false&mdash;to impose upon society with such false signs and tokens,
+was a still greater violation of its rights, and must have had still
+less mercy shewn&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>The only objection to this was, that if it proved anything, it proved
+the stranger’s nose was neither true nor false.</p>
+
+<p>This left room for the controversy to go on. It was maintained by the
+advocates of the ecclesiastic court, that there was nothing to inhibit a
+decree, since the stranger <i>ex mero motu</i> had confessed he had been
+at the Promontory of Noses, and had got one of the goodliest, &amp;c.
+&amp;c.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;To this it was answered, it was impossible
+there should be such a place as the Promontory of Noses, and the learned
+be ignorant where it lay. The commissary of the bishop of
+<i>Strasburg</i> undertook the advocates, explained this matter in a
+treatise upon proverbial phrases, shewing them, that the Promontory of
+Noses was a mere allegorick expression, importing no more than that
+nature had given him a long nose: in proof of which, with great
+learning, he cited the underwritten authorities,<a class = "tag" name =
+"tag_4_4" id = "tag_4_4" href = "#note_4_4">4</a> which had decided the
+point incontestably, had it not appeared that a dispute about some
+franchises of dean and chapter-lands had been determined by it nineteen
+years before.</p>
+
+<p>It happened&mdash;&mdash;I must not say unluckily for Truth, because
+they were giving her a lift another way in so doing; that the two
+universities of <i>Strasburg</i>&mdash;&mdash;the <i>Lutheran</i>,
+founded in the year 1538 by <i>Jacobus Surmis</i>, counsellor of the
+senate,&mdash;&mdash;and the <i>Popish</i>, founded by <i>Leopold</i>,
+arch-duke of <i>Austria</i>, were, during all this time, employing the
+whole depth of their knowledge (except just what the affair of the
+abbess of <i>Quedlingberg’s</i> placket-holes required)&mdash;&mdash;in
+determining the point of <i>Martin Luther’s</i> damnation.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Popish</i> doctors had undertaken to demonstrate <i>Ă 
+priori</i>, that from the necessary influence of the planets on the
+twenty-second day of <i>October</i> 1483&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;when the
+moon was in the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page189" id = "page189">189</a></span>
+twelfth house, <i>Jupiter</i>, <i>Mars</i>, and <i>Venus</i> in the
+third, the <i>Sun</i>, <i>Saturn</i>, and <i>Mercury</i>, all got
+together in the fourth&mdash;that he must in course, and unavoidably, be
+a damn’d man&mdash;and that his doctrines, by a direct corollary, must
+be damn’d doctrines too.</p>
+
+<p>By inspection into his horoscope, where five planets were in coition
+all at once with Scorpio<a class = "tag" name = "tag_4_5" id = "tag_4_5"
+href = "#note_4_5">5</a> (in&nbsp;reading this my father would always
+shake his head) in the ninth house, which the <i>Arabians</i> allotted
+to religion&mdash;it appeared that <i>Martin Luther</i> did not care one
+stiver about the matter&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and that from the horoscope
+directed to the conjunction of <i>Mars</i>&mdash;they made it plain
+likewise he must die cursing and blaspheming&mdash;&mdash;with the blast
+of which his soul (being steep’d in guilt) sailed before the wind, in
+the lake of hell-fire.</p>
+
+<p>The little objection of the <i>Lutheran</i> doctors to this, was,
+that it must certainly be the soul of another man, born <i>Oct.</i> 22,
+83, which was forced to sail down before the wind in that
+manner&mdash;inasmuch as it appeared from the register of <i>Islaben</i>
+in the county of <i>Mansfelt</i>, that <i>Luther</i> was not born in the
+year 1483, but in 84; and not on the 22d day of <i>October</i>, but on
+the 10th of <i>November</i>, the eve of <i>Martinmas</i> day, from
+whence he had the name of <i>Martin</i>.</p>
+
+<p>[&mdash;&mdash;I must break off my translation for a moment; for if I
+did not, I&nbsp;know I should no more be able to shut my eyes in bed,
+than the abbess of <i>Quedlingberg</i>&mdash;&mdash;It is to tell the
+reader, that my father never read this passage of <i>Slawkenbergius</i>
+to my uncle <i>Toby</i>, but with triumph&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;not over
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>, for he never opposed him in it&mdash;&mdash;but
+over the whole world.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Now you see, brother <i>Toby</i>, he would say, looking up,
+“that christian names are not such indifferent
+things;”&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;had <i>Luther</i> here been called by any
+other name but Martin, he would have been damn’d to all
+eternity&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Not that I look upon <i>Martin</i>, he
+would add, as a good name&mdash;&mdash;far from it&mdash;&mdash;’tis
+something better than a neutral, and but a little&mdash;&mdash;yet
+little as it is, you see it was of some service to him.</p>
+
+<p>My father knew the weakness of this prop to his hypothesis, as well
+as the best logician could shew him&mdash;&mdash;yet so strange is the
+weakness of man at the same time, as it fell in his way, he
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page190" id = "page190">190</a></span>
+could not for his life but make use of it; and it was certainly for this
+reason, that though there are many stories in <i>Hafen
+Slawkenbergius’s</i> Decads full as entertaining as this I am
+translating, yet there is not one amongst them which my father read over
+with half the delight&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;it flattered two of his
+strangest hypotheses together&mdash;&mdash;his <span class =
+"smallcaps">Names</span> and his <span class =
+"smallcaps">Noses</span>.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;will be bold to say, he
+might have read all the books in the <i>Alexandrian</i> Library, had not
+fate taken other care of them, and not have met with a book or passage
+in one, which hit two such nails as these upon the head at one
+stroke.]</p>
+
+<p>The two universities of <i>Strasburg</i> were hard tugging at this
+affair of <i>Luther’s</i> navigation. The Protestant doctors had
+demonstrated, that he had not sailed right before the wind, as the
+Popish doctors had pretended; and as every one knew there was no sailing
+full in the teeth of it&mdash;they were going to settle, in case he had
+sailed, how many points he was off; whether <i>Martin</i> had doubled
+the cape, or had fallen upon a lee-shore; and no doubt, as it was an
+enquiry of much edification, at least to those who understood this sort
+of <span class = "smallroman">NAVIGATION</span>, they had gone on with
+it in spite of the size of the stranger’s nose, had not the size of the
+stranger’s nose drawn off the attention of the world from what they were
+about&mdash;&mdash;it was their business to follow.</p>
+
+<p>The abbess of <i>Quedlingberg</i> and her four dignitaries was no
+stop; for the enormity of the stranger’s nose running full as much in
+their fancies as their case of conscience&mdash;&mdash;the affair of
+their placket-holes kept cold&mdash;in a word, the printers were ordered
+to distribute their types&mdash;&mdash;all controversies dropp’d.</p>
+
+<p>’Twas a square cap with a silver tassel upon the crown of it&mdash;to
+a nut-shell&mdash;to have guessed on which side of the nose the two
+universities would split.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis above reason, cried the doctors on one side.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis below reason, cried the others.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis faith, cried one.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis a fiddle-stick, said the other.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis possible, cried the one.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis impossible, said the other.</p>
+
+<p>God’s power is infinite, cried the Nosarians, he can do anything.</p>
+
+<p>He can do nothing, replied the Antinosarians, which implies
+contradictions.</p>
+
+<p>He can make matter think, said the Nosarians.</p>
+
+<p>As certainly as you can make a velvet cap out of a sow’s ear, replied
+the Antinosarians.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page191" id = "page191">191</a></span>
+<p>He cannot make two and two five, replied the Popish
+doctors.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis false, said their other <span class =
+"locked">opponents.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Infinite power is infinite power, said the doctors who maintained the
+<i>reality</i> of the nose.&mdash;It extends only to all possible
+things, replied the <i>Lutherans</i>.</p>
+
+<p>By God in heaven, cried the Popish doctors, he can make a nose, if he
+thinks fit, as big as the steeple of <i>Strasburg</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Now the steeple of <i>Strasburg</i> being the biggest and the tallest
+church-steeple to be seen in the whole world, the Antinosarians denied
+that a nose of 575 geometrical feet in length could be worn, at least by
+a middle-siz’d man&mdash;&mdash;The Popish doctors swore it
+could&mdash;The <i>Lutheran</i> doctors said No;&mdash;it could not.</p>
+
+<p>This at once started a new dispute, which they pursued a great way,
+upon the extent and limitation of the moral and natural attributes of
+God&mdash;That controversy led them naturally into <i>Thomas
+Aquinas</i>, and <i>Thomas Aquinas</i> to the devil.</p>
+
+<p>The stranger’s nose was no more heard of in the dispute&mdash;it just
+served as a frigate to launch them into the gulph of
+school-divinity&mdash;&mdash;and then they all sailed before the
+wind.</p>
+
+<p>Heat is in proportion to the want of true knowledge.</p>
+
+<p>The controversy about the attributes, &amp;c., instead of cooling, on
+the contrary had inflamed the <i>Strasburgers’</i> imaginations to a
+most inordinate degree&mdash;&mdash;The less they understood of the
+matter, the greater was their wonder about it&mdash;they were left in
+all the distresses of desire unsatisfied&mdash;&mdash;saw their doctors,
+the <i>Parchmentarians</i>, the <i>Brassarians</i>, the
+<i>Turpentarians</i>, on one side&mdash;the Popish doctors on the other,
+like <i>Pantagruel</i> and his companions in quest of the oracle of the
+bottle, all embarked out of sight.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The poor <i>Strasburgers</i> left upon the beach!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;What was to be done?&mdash;No delay&mdash;the uproar
+increased&mdash;&mdash;every one in disorder&mdash;&mdash;the city gates
+set <span class = "locked">open.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Unfortunate <i>Strasburgers!</i> was there in the storehouse of
+nature&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;was there in the lumber-rooms of
+learning&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;was there in the great arsenal of chance,
+one single engine left undrawn forth to torture your curiosities, and
+stretch your desires, which was not pointed by the hand of Fate to play
+upon your hearts?&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;dip not my pen into my ink to
+excuse the surrender of yourselves&mdash;’tis to write your panegyrick.
+Shew me a city so macerated with expectation&mdash;&mdash;who neither
+eat, or drank, or slept, or prayed, or hearkened to the calls either of
+religion or nature for seven-and-twenty days together, who could have
+held out one day longer.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page192" id = "page192">192</a></span>
+<p>On the twenty-eighth the courteous stranger had promised to return to
+<i>Strasburg</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Seven thousand coaches (<i>Slawkenbergius</i> must certainly have
+made some mistake in his numerical characters) 7000
+coaches&mdash;&mdash;15,000 single-horse chairs&mdash;20,000 waggons,
+crowded as full as they could all hold with senators, counsellors,
+syndicks&mdash;beguines, widows, wives, virgins, canons, concubines, all
+in their coaches&mdash;The abbess of <i>Quedlingberg</i>, with the
+prioress, the deaness and sub-chantress, leading the procession in one
+coach, and the dean of <i>Strasburg</i>, with the four great dignitaries
+of his chapter, on her left-hand&mdash;the rest following
+higglety-pigglety as they could; some on horseback&mdash;&mdash;some on
+foot&mdash;&mdash;some led&mdash;&mdash;some driven&mdash;&mdash;some
+down the <i>Rhine</i>&mdash;&mdash;some this way&mdash;&mdash;some
+that&mdash;&mdash;all set out at sun-rise to meet the courteous stranger
+on the road.</p>
+
+<p>Haste we now towards the catastrophe of my tale&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I
+say <i>Catastrophe</i> (cries <i>Slawkenbergius</i>) inasmuch as a tale,
+with parts rightly disposed, not only rejoiceth (<i>gaudet</i>) in the
+<i>Catastrophe</i> and <i>Peripetia</i> of a <span class =
+"smallcaps">Drama</span>, but rejoiceth moreover in all the essential
+and integrant parts of it&mdash;&mdash;it has its <i>Protasis</i>,
+<i>Epitasis</i>, <i>Catastasis</i>, its <i>Catastrophe</i> or
+<i>Peripetia</i> growing one out of the other in it, in the order
+<i>Aristotle</i> first planted them&mdash;&mdash;without which a tale
+had better never be told at all, says <i>Slawkenbergius</i>, but be kept
+to a man’s self.</p>
+
+<p>In all my ten tales, in all my ten decads, have I
+<i>Slawkenbergius</i> tied down every tale of them as tightly to this
+rule, as I have done this of the stranger and his nose.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;From his first parley with the sentinel, to his leaving
+the city of <i>Strasburg</i>, after pulling off his crimson-sattin pair
+of breeches, is the <i>Protasis</i> or first entrance&mdash;&mdash;where
+the characters of the <i>PersonĂŚ Dramatis</i> are just touched in, and
+the subject slightly begun.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Epitasis</i>, wherein the action is more fully entered upon
+and heightened, till it arrives at its state or height called the
+<i>Catastasis</i>, and which usually takes up the 2d and 3d act, is
+included within that busy period of my tale, betwixt the first night’s
+uproar about the nose, to the conclusion of the trumpeter’s wife’s
+lectures upon it in the middle of the grand parade: and from the first
+embarking of the learned in the dispute&mdash;to the doctors finally
+sailing away, and leaving the <i>Strasburgers</i> upon the beach in
+distress, is the <i>Catastasis</i> or the ripening of the incidents and
+passions for their bursting forth in the fifth act.</p>
+
+<p>This commences with the setting out of the <i>Strasburgers</i> in
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page193" id = "page193">193</a></span>
+the <i>Frankfort</i> road, and terminates in unwinding the labyrinth and
+bringing the hero out of a state of agitation (as&nbsp;<i>Aristotle</i>
+calls&nbsp;it) to a state of rest and quietness.</p>
+
+<p>This, says <i>Hafen Slawkenbergius</i>, constitutes the
+<i>Catastrophe</i> or <i>Peripetia</i> of my tale&mdash;and that is the
+part of it I am going to relate.</p>
+
+<p>We left the stranger behind the curtain asleep&mdash;&mdash;he enters
+now upon the stage.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;What dost thou prick up thy ears at?&mdash;’tis nothing but a
+man upon a horse&mdash;&mdash;was the last word the stranger uttered to
+his mule. It was not proper then to tell the reader, that the mule took
+his master’s word for it; and without any more <i>ifs</i> or
+<i>ands</i>, let the traveller and his horse pass&nbsp;by.</p>
+
+<p>The traveller was hastening with all diligence to get to
+<i>Strasburg</i> that night. What a fool am I, said the traveller to
+himself, when he had rode about a league farther, to think of getting
+into <i>Strasburg</i> this
+night.&mdash;<i>Strasburg!</i>&mdash;&mdash;the great
+<i>Strasburg!</i>&mdash;&mdash;<i>Strasburg</i>, the capital of all
+<i>Alsatia!</i> <i>Strasburg</i>, an imperial city! <i>Strasburg</i>,
+a&nbsp;sovereign state! <i>Strasburg</i>, garrisoned with five thousand
+of the best troops in all the world!&mdash;Alas! if I was at the gates
+of <i>Strasburg</i> this moment, I&nbsp;could not gain admittance into
+it for a ducat&mdash;nay a ducat and half&mdash;’tis too
+much&mdash;&mdash;better go back to the last inn I have
+passed&mdash;&mdash;than lie I know not where&mdash;&mdash;or give I
+know not what. The traveller, as he made these reflections in his mind,
+turned his horse’s head about, and three minutes after the stranger had
+been conducted into his chamber, he arrived at the same inn.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;We have bacon in the house, said the host, and
+bread&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and till eleven o’clock this night had three
+eggs in it&mdash;&mdash;but a stranger, who arrived an hour ago, has had
+them dressed into an omelet, and we have <span class =
+"locked">nothing.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Alas! said the traveller, harassed as I am, I want nothing but a
+bed.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have one as soft as is in
+<i>Alsatia</i>, said the host.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The stranger, continued he, should have slept in it,
+for ’tis my best bed, but upon the score of his
+nose.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;He has got a defluxion, said the
+traveller.&mdash;&mdash;Not that I know, cried the
+host.&mdash;&mdash;But ’tis a camp-bed, and <i>Jacinta</i>, said he,
+looking towards the maid, imagined there was not room in it to turn his
+nose in.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Why so? cried the traveller, starting
+back.&mdash;It is so long a nose, replied the host.&mdash;&mdash;The
+traveller fixed his eyes upon <i>Jacinta</i>, then upon the
+ground&mdash;kneeled upon his right knee&mdash;had just got his hand
+laid upon his breast
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page194" id = "page194">194</a></span>
+&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Trifle not with my anxiety, said he, rising up
+again.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis no trifle, said <i>Jacinta</i>, ’tis the most
+glorious nose!&mdash;&mdash;The traveller fell upon his knee
+again&mdash;laid his hand upon his breast&mdash;then, said he, looking
+up to heaven, thou hast conducted me to the end of my
+pilgrimage.&mdash;’Tis <i>Diego</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The traveller was the brother of the <i>Julia</i>, so often invoked
+that night by the stranger as he rode from <i>Strasburg</i> upon his
+mule; and was come, on her part, in quest of him. He had accompanied his
+sister from <i>Valadolid</i> across the <i>Pyrenean</i> mountains
+through <i>France</i>, and had many an entangled skein to wind off in
+pursuit of him through the many meanders and abrupt turnings of a
+lover’s thorny tracks.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<i>Julia</i> had sunk under it&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and
+had not been able to go a step farther than to <i>Lyons</i>, where, with
+the many disquietudes of a tender heart, which all talk
+of&mdash;&mdash;but few feel&mdash;she sicken’d, but had just strength
+to write a letter to <i>Diego</i>; and having conjured her brother never
+to see her face till he had found him out, and put the letter into his
+hands, <i>Julia</i> took to her bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fernandez</i> (for that was her brother’s name)&mdash;&mdash;tho’
+the camp-bed was as soft as any one in <i>Alsace</i>, yet he could not
+shut his eyes in it.&mdash;&mdash;As soon as it was day he rose, and
+hearing <i>Diego</i> was risen too, he entered his chamber, and
+discharged his sister’s commission.</p>
+
+<p>The letter was as follows:</p>
+
+
+<p class = "inset">
+“Seig. <span class = "smallcaps">Diego</span>,</p>
+
+<p>“Whether my suspicions of your nose were justly excited or
+not&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’tis not now to inquire&mdash;it is enough I
+have not had firmness to put them to farther tryal.</p>
+
+<p>“How could I know so little of myself, when I sent my <i>Duenna</i>
+to forbid your coming more under my lattice? or how could I know so
+little of you, <i>Diego</i>, as to imagine you would not have staid one
+day in <i>Valadolid</i> to have given ease to my doubts?&mdash;Was I to
+be abandoned, <i>Diego</i>, because I was deceived? or was it kind to
+take me at my word, whether my suspicions were just or no, and leave me,
+as you did, a&nbsp;prey to much uncertainty and sorrow?</p>
+
+<p>“In what manner <i>Julia</i> has resented this&mdash;&mdash;my
+brother, when he puts this letter into your hands, will tell you; He
+will tell you in how few moments she repented of the rash message she
+had sent you&mdash;&mdash;in what frantic haste she flew to her lattice,
+and how many days and nights together she leaned
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page195" id = "page195">195</a></span>
+immoveably upon her elbow, looking through it towards the way which
+<i>Diego</i> was wont to come.</p>
+
+<p>“He will tell you, when she heard of your departure&mdash;how her
+spirits deserted her&mdash;&mdash;how her heart
+sicken’d&mdash;&mdash;how piteously she mourned&mdash;&mdash;how low she
+hung her head. O&nbsp;<i>Diego!</i> how many weary steps has my
+brother’s pity led me by the hand languishing to trace out yours; how
+far has desire carried me beyond strength&mdash;&mdash;and how oft have
+I fainted by the way, and sunk into his arms, with only power to cry
+out&mdash;O my <i>Diego!</i></p>
+
+<p>“If the gentleness of your carriage has not belied your heart, you
+will fly to me, almost as fast as you fled from me&mdash;haste as you
+will&mdash;&mdash;you will arrive but to see me
+expire.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’Tis a bitter draught, <i>Diego</i>, but oh!
+’tis embitter’d still more by dying
+<i>un</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;”</p>
+
+
+<p class = "space">
+She could proceed no farther.</p>
+
+<p><i>Slawkenbergius</i> supposes the word intended was
+<i>unconvinced</i>, but her strength would not enable her to finish her
+letter.</p>
+
+<p>The heart of the courteous <i>Diego</i> overflowed as he read the
+letter&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;he ordered his mule forthwith and
+<i>Fernandez’s</i> horse to be saddled; and as no vent in prose is equal
+to that of poetry in such conflicts&mdash;&mdash;chance, which as often
+directs us to remedies as to <i>diseases</i>, having thrown a piece of
+charcoal into the window&mdash;&mdash;<i>Diego</i> availed himself of
+it, and whilst the hostler was getting ready his mule, he eased his mind
+against the wall as follows.</p>
+
+<div class = "verse ital">
+<h5>ODE</h5>
+
+<p>Harsh and untuneful are the notes of love,</p>
+<p class = "indent">Unless my <em>Julia</em> strikes the key,</p>
+<p>Her hand alone can touch the part,</p>
+<p class = "indent">Whose dulcet move-</p>
+<p class = "indent2">ment charms the heart,</p>
+<p>And governs all the man with sympathetick sway.</p>
+
+<h5 class = "final">2d</h5>
+</div>
+
+<p>O Julia!</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+The lines were very natural&mdash;&mdash;for they were nothing at all to
+the purpose, says <i>Slawkenbergius</i>, and ’tis a pity there were no
+more of them; but whether it was that Seig. <i>Diego</i> was slow in
+composing verses&mdash;or the hostler quick in saddling
+mules&mdash;&mdash;is
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page196" id = "page196">196</a></span>
+not averred; certain it was, that <i>Diego’s</i> mule and
+<i>Fernandez’s</i> horse were ready at the door of the inn, before
+<i>Diego</i> was ready for his second stanza; so without staying to
+finish his ode, they both mounted, sallied forth, passed the
+<i>Rhine</i>, traversed <i>Alsace</i>, shaped their course towards
+<i>Lyons</i>, and before the <i>Strasburgers</i> and the abbess of
+<i>Quedlingberg</i> had set out on their cavalcade, had
+<i>Fernandez</i>, <i>Diego</i>, and his <i>Julia</i>, crossed the
+<i>Pyrenean</i> mountains, and got safe to <i>Valadolid</i>.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis needless to inform the geographical reader, that when
+<i>Diego</i> was in <i>Spain</i>, it was not possible to meet the
+courteous stranger in the <i>Frankfort</i> road; it is enough to say,
+that of all restless desires, curiosity being the
+strongest&mdash;&mdash;the <i>Strasburgers</i> felt the full force of
+it; and that for three days and nights they were tossed to and fro in
+the <i>Frankfort</i> road, with the tempestuous fury of this passion,
+before they could submit to return home.&mdash;&mdash;When alas! an
+event was prepared for them, of all other, the most grievous that could
+befal a free people.</p>
+
+<p>As this revolution of the <i>Strasburgers’</i> affairs is often
+spoken of, and little understood, I&nbsp;will, in ten words, says
+<i>Slawkenbergius</i>, give the world an explanation of it, and with it
+put an end to my tale.</p>
+
+<p>Every body knows of the grand system of Universal Monarchy, wrote by
+order of Mons. <i>Colbert</i>, and put in manuscript into the hands of
+<i>Lewis</i> the fourteenth, in the year 1664.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis as well known, that one branch out of many of that system, was
+the getting possession of <i>Strasburg</i>, to favour an entrance at all
+times into <i>Suabia</i>, in order to disturb the quiet of
+<i>Germany</i>&mdash;&mdash;and that in consequence of this plan,
+<i>Strasburg</i> unhappily fell at length into their hands.</p>
+
+<p>It is the lot of a few to trace out the true springs of this and such
+like revolutions&mdash;The vulgar look too high for them&mdash;Statesmen
+look too low&mdash;&mdash;Truth (for once) lies in the middle.</p>
+
+<p>What a fatal thing is the popular pride of a free city! cries one
+historian&mdash;The <i>Strasburgers</i> deemed it a diminution of their
+freedom to receive an imperial garrison&mdash;&mdash;so fell a prey to a
+<i>French</i> one.</p>
+
+<p>The fate, says another, of the <i>Strasburgers</i>, may be a warning
+to all free people to save their money.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;They
+anticipated their revenues&mdash;&mdash;brought themselves under taxes,
+exhausted their strength, and in the end became so weak a people, they
+had not strength to keep their gates shut, and so the <i>French</i>
+pushed them open.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page197" id = "page197">197</a></span>
+<p>Alas! alas! cries <i>Slawkenbergius</i>, ’twas not the
+<i>French</i>,&mdash;&mdash;’twas <span class =
+"smallroman">CURIOSITY</span> pushed them open&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;The
+<i>French</i> indeed, who are ever upon the catch, when they saw the
+<i>Strasburgers</i>, men, women, and children, all marched out to follow
+the stranger’s nose&mdash;&mdash;each man followed his own, and
+marched&nbsp;in.</p>
+
+<p>Trade and manufactures have decayed and gradually grown down ever
+since&mdash;but not from any cause which commercial heads have assigned;
+for it is owing to this only, that Noses have ever so run in their
+heads, that the <i>Strasburgers</i> could not follow their business.</p>
+
+<p>Alas! alas! cries <i>Slawkenbergius</i>, making an
+exclamation&mdash;it is not the first&mdash;&mdash;and I fear will not
+be the last fortress that has been either won&mdash;&mdash;or lost by
+<span class = "smallcaps">Noses</span>.</p>
+
+<h5 class = "final">
+<span class = "smallroman">THE END OF</span><br />
+<i>Slawkenbergius’s</i> <span class = "smallcaps">Tale</span></h5>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapI" id = "bookIV_chapI">
+CHAPTER I</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">With</span> all this learning upon Noses
+running perpetually in my father’s fancy&mdash;&mdash;with so many
+family prejudices&mdash;and ten decads of such tales running on for ever
+along with them&mdash;&mdash;how was it possible with such
+exquisite&mdash;&mdash;was it a true nose?&mdash;&mdash;That a man with
+such exquisite feelings as my father had, could bear the shock at all
+below stairs&mdash;&mdash;or indeed above stairs, in any other posture,
+but the very posture I have described?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Throw yourself down upon the bed, a dozen
+times&mdash;&mdash;taking care only to place a looking-glass first in a
+chair on one side of it, before you do it&mdash;But was the stranger’s
+nose a true nose, or was it a false one?</p>
+
+<p>To tell that before-hand, madam, would be to do injury to one of the
+best tales in the Christian-world; and that is the tenth of the tenth
+decad, which immediately follows this.</p>
+
+<p>This tale, cried <i>Slawkenbergius</i>, somewhat exultingly, has been
+reserved by me for the concluding tale of my whole work; knowing right
+well, that when I shall have told it, and my reader shall have read it
+thro’&mdash;’twould be even high time for both of us to shut up the
+book; inasmuch, continues <i>Slawkenbergius</i>, as I know of no tale
+which could possibly ever go down after&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p class = "indent">
+’Tis a tale indeed!</p>
+
+<p>This sets out with the first interview in the inn at <i>Lyons</i>,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page198" id = "page198">198</a></span>
+when <i>Fernandez</i> left the courteous stranger and his sister
+<i>Julia</i> alone in her chamber, and is over-written</p>
+
+<h5><span class = "smallcaps extended">The Intricacies</span><br />
+<span class = "smallcaps">of</span><br />
+<i>Diego</i> and <i>Julia</i></h5>
+
+<p>Heavens! thou art a strange creature, <i>Slawkenbergius!</i> what a
+whimsical view of the involutions of the heart of woman hast thou
+opened! how this can ever be translated, and yet if this specimen of
+<i>Slawkenbergius’s</i> tales, and the exquisitiveness of his moral,
+should please the world&mdash;translated shall a couple of volumes
+be.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Else, how this can ever be translated into good
+<i>English</i>, I&nbsp;have no sort of conception.&mdash;There seems in
+some passages to want a sixth sense to do it rightly.&mdash;&mdash;What
+can he mean by the lambent pupilability of slow, low, dry chat, five
+notes below the natural tone&mdash;&mdash;which you know, madam, is
+little more than a whisper? The moment I pronounced the words,
+I&nbsp;could perceive an attempt towards a vibration in the strings,
+about the region of the heart.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;The brain made no
+acknowledgment.&mdash;&mdash;There’s often no good understanding betwixt
+’em&mdash;I&nbsp;felt as if I understood it.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;had no
+ideas.&mdash;&mdash;The movement could not be without cause.&mdash;I’m
+lost. I&nbsp;can make nothing of it&mdash;unless, may it please your
+worships, the voice, in that case being little more than a whisper,
+unavoidably forces the eyes to approach not only within six inches of
+each other&mdash;but to look into the pupils&mdash;is not that
+dangerous?&mdash;&mdash;But it can’t be avoided&mdash;for to look up to
+the ceiling, in that case the two chins unavoidably
+meet&mdash;&mdash;and to look down into each other’s lap, the foreheads
+come to immediate contact, which at once puts an end to the
+conference&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;mean to the sentimental part of
+it.&mdash;&mdash;What is left, madam, is not worth stooping for.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapII" id = "bookIV_chapII">
+CHAPTER II</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> father lay stretched across the
+bed as still as if the hand of death had pushed him down, for a full
+hour and a half before he began to play upon the floor with the toe of
+that foot which hung over the bed-side; my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> heart was
+a pound lighter for it.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;In a few moments, his
+left-hand, the knuckles of which had all the time reclined upon the
+handle of the chamber-pot,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page199" id = "page199">199</a></span>
+came to its feeling&mdash;he thrust it a little more within the
+valance&mdash;drew up his hand, when he had done, into his
+bosom&mdash;gave a hem! My good uncle <i>Toby</i>, with infinite
+pleasure, answered it; and full gladly would have ingrafted a sentence
+of consolation upon the opening it afforded: but having no talents, as I
+said, that way, and fearing moreover that he might set out with
+something which might make a bad matter worse, he contented himself with
+resting his chin placidly upon the cross of his crutch.</p>
+
+<p>Now whether the compression shortened my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> face
+into a more pleasurable oval&mdash;or that the philanthropy of his
+heart, in seeing his brother beginning to emerge out of the sea of his
+afflictions, had braced up his muscles&mdash;&mdash;so that the
+compression upon his chin only doubled the benignity which was there
+before, is not hard to decide.&mdash;&mdash;My father, in turning his
+eyes, was struck with such a gleam of sunshine in his face, as melted
+down the sullenness of his grief in a moment.</p>
+
+<p>He broke silence as follows.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapIII" id = "bookIV_chapIII">
+CHAPTER III</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Did</span> ever man, brother <i>Toby</i>,
+cried my father, raising himself upon his elbow, and turning himself
+round to the opposite side of the bed, where my uncle <i>Toby</i> was
+sitting in his old fringed chair, with his chin resting upon his
+crutch&mdash;&mdash;did ever a poor unfortunate man, brother
+<i>Toby</i>, cried my father, receive so many lashes?&mdash;&mdash;The
+most I ever saw given, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i> (ringing the bell at
+the bed’s head for <i>Trim</i>) was to a grenadier, I&nbsp;think in
+<i>Mackay’s</i> regiment.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Had my uncle <i>Toby</i> shot a bullet through
+my father’s heart, he could not have fallen down with his nose upon the
+quilt more suddenly.</p>
+
+<p>Bless me! said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapIV" id = "bookIV_chapIV">
+CHAPTER IV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Was</span> it <i>Mackay’s</i> regiment,
+quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, where the poor grenadier was so unmercifully
+whipp’d at <i>Bruges</i> about the ducats?&mdash;O Christ! he was
+innocent! cried <i>Trim</i>, with a deep sigh.&mdash;And he was whipp’d,
+may it please your honour, almost to death’s door.&mdash;They had better
+have shot him outright,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page200" id = "page200">200</a></span>
+as he begg’d, and he had gone directly to heaven, for he was as innocent
+as your honour.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;thank thee, <i>Trim</i>,
+quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never think of his,
+continued <i>Trim</i>, and my poor brother <i>Tom’s</i> misfortunes, for
+we were all three school-fellows, but I cry like a
+coward.&mdash;&mdash;Tears are no proof of cowardice,
+<i>Trim</i>.&mdash;I&nbsp;drop them oft-times myself, cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;know your honour does, replied
+<i>Trim</i>, and so am not ashamed of it myself.&mdash;But to think, may
+it please your honour, continued <i>Trim</i>, a&nbsp;tear stealing into
+the corner of his eye as he spoke&mdash;to think of two virtuous lads
+with hearts as warm in their bodies, and as honest as God could make
+them&mdash;the children of honest people, going forth with gallant
+spirits to seek their fortunes in the world&mdash;and fall into such
+evils!&mdash;poor <i>Tom!</i> to be tortured upon a rack for
+nothing&mdash;but marrying a Jew’s widow who sold sausages&mdash;honest
+<i>Dick Johnson’s</i> soul to be scourged out of his body, for the
+ducats another man put into his knapsack!&mdash;O!&mdash;these are
+misfortunes, cried <i>Trim</i>,&mdash;pulling out his
+handkerchief&mdash;these are misfortunes, may it please your honour,
+worth lying down and crying over.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;My father could not help blushing.</p>
+
+<p>’Twould be a pity, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, thou
+shouldst ever feel sorrow of thy own&mdash;thou feelest it so tenderly
+for others.&mdash;Alack-o-day, replied the corporal, brightening up his
+face&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;your honour knows I have neither wife or
+child&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;can have no sorrows in this
+world.&mdash;&mdash;My father could not help smiling.&mdash;As few as
+any man, <i>Trim</i>, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>; nor can I see how a
+fellow of thy light heart can suffer, but from the distress of poverty
+in thy old age&mdash;when thou art passed all services,
+<i>Trim</i>&mdash;and hast outlived thy friends.&mdash;&mdash;An’ please
+your honour, never fear, replied <i>Trim</i>, chearily.&mdash;&mdash;But
+I would have thee never fear, <i>Trim</i>, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+and therefore, continued my uncle <i>Toby</i>, throwing down his crutch,
+and getting up upon his legs as he uttered the word
+<i>therefore</i>&mdash;in recompence, <i>Trim</i>, of thy long fidelity
+to me, and that goodness of thy heart I have had such proofs
+of&mdash;whilst thy master is worth a shilling&mdash;&mdash;thou shalt
+never ask elsewhere, <i>Trim</i>, for a penny. <i>Trim</i> attempted to
+thank my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;but had not power&mdash;&mdash;tears
+trickled down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them off&mdash;He
+laid his hands upon his breast&mdash;&mdash;made a bow to the ground,
+and shut the door.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I have left <i>Trim</i> my bowling-green, cried my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;My father
+smiled.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have left him moreover a pension,
+continued my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;My father looked grave.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page201" id = "page201">201</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapV" id = "bookIV_chapV">
+CHAPTER V</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Is</span> this a fit time, said my father
+to himself, to talk of <span class = "smallroman">PENSIONS</span> and
+<span class = "smallroman">GRENADIERS</span>?</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapVI" id = "bookIV_chapVI">
+CHAPTER VI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> my uncle <i>Toby</i> first
+mentioned the grenadier, my father, I&nbsp;said, fell down with his nose
+flat to the quilt, and as suddenly as if my uncle <i>Toby</i> had shot
+him; but it was not added that every other limb and member of my father
+instantly relapsed with his nose into the same precise attitude in which
+he lay first described; so that when corporal <i>Trim</i> left the room,
+and my father found himself disposed to rise off the bed&mdash;he had
+all the little preparatory movements to run over again, before he could
+do it. Attitudes are nothing, madam&mdash;&mdash;’tis the transition
+from one attitude to another&mdash;&mdash;like the preparation and
+resolution of the discord into harmony, which is all in all.</p>
+
+<p>For which reason my father played the same jig over again with his
+toe upon the floor&mdash;&mdash;pushed the chamber-pot still a little
+farther within the valance&mdash;gave a hem&mdash;raised himself up upon
+his elbow&mdash;and was just beginning to address himself to my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;when recollecting the unsuccessfulness of his first
+effort in that attitude&mdash;&mdash;he got upon his legs, and in making
+the third turn across the room, he stopped short before my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>: and laying the three first fingers of his right-hand in the
+palm of his left, and stooping a little, he addressed himself to my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> as follows:</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapVII" id = "bookIV_chapVII">
+CHAPTER VII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> I reflect, brother <i>Toby</i>,
+upon <span class = "smallroman">MAN</span>; and take a view of that dark
+side of him which represents his life as open to so many causes of
+trouble&mdash;when I consider, brother <i>Toby</i>, how oft we eat the
+bread of affliction, and that we are born to it, as to the portion of
+our inheritance&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;was born to nothing, quoth my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, interrupting my father&mdash;but my commission.
+Zooks! said my father, did not my uncle leave you a hundred and twenty
+pounds a year?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;What could I have done without
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page202" id = "page202">202</a></span>
+it? replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;That’s another
+concern, said my father testily&mdash;But I say, <i>Toby</i>, when one
+runs over the catalogue of all the cross-reckonings and sorrowful
+<i>Items</i> with which the heart of man is overcharged, ’tis wonderful
+by what hidden resources the mind is enabled to stand out, and bear
+itself up, as it does, against the impositions laid upon our
+nature.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’Tis by the assistance of Almighty God,
+cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>, looking up, and pressing the palms of his
+hands close together&mdash;&mdash;’tis not from our own strength,
+brother <i>Shandy</i>&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;centinel in a wooden
+centry-box might as well pretend to stand it out against a detachment of
+fifty men.&mdash;&mdash;We are upheld by the grace and the assistance of
+the best of Beings.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;That is cutting the knot, said my father, instead of
+untying it.&mdash;&mdash;But give me leave to lead you, brother
+<i>Toby</i>, a&nbsp;little deeper into the mystery.</p>
+
+<p>With all my heart, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>My father instantly exchanged the attitude he was in, for that in
+which <i>Socrates</i> is so finely painted by <i>Raffael</i> in his
+school of <i>Athens</i>; which your connoisseurship knows is so
+exquisitely imagined, that even the particular manner of the reasoning
+of <i>Socrates</i> is expressed by it&mdash;for he holds the forefinger
+of his left hand between the forefinger and the thumb of his right, and
+seems as if he was saying to the libertine he is
+reclaiming&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;“<i>You grant me</i>
+this&mdash;&mdash;and this: and this, and this, I&nbsp;don’t ask of
+you&mdash;they follow of themselves in course.”</p>
+
+<p>So stood my father, holding fast his forefinger betwixt his finger
+and his thumb, and reasoning with my uncle <i>Toby</i> as he sat in his
+old fringed chair, valanced around with party-coloured worsted
+bobs&mdash;&mdash;O <i>Garrick!</i>&mdash;what a rich scene of this
+would thy exquisite powers make! and how gladly would I write such
+another to avail myself of thy immortality, and secure my own
+behind&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapVIII" id = "bookIV_chapVIII">
+CHAPTER VIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Though</span> man is of all others the most
+curious vehicle, said my father, yet at the same time ’tis of so slight
+a frame, and so totteringly put together, that the sudden jerks and hard
+jostlings it unavoidably meets with in this rugged journey, would
+overset and tear it to pieces a dozen times a day&mdash;&mdash;was it
+not, brother <i>Toby</i>, that there is a secret spring within
+us.&mdash;Which spring, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, I&nbsp;take to be
+Religion.&mdash;Will that set my
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page203" id = "page203">203</a></span>
+child’s nose on? cried my father, letting go his finger, and striking
+one hand against the other.&mdash;&mdash;It makes everything straight
+for us, answered my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Figuratively
+speaking, dear <i>Toby</i>, it may, for aught I know, said my father;
+but the spring I am speaking of, is that great and elastic power within
+us of counterbalancing evil, which, like a secret spring in a
+well-ordered machine, though it can’t prevent the shock&mdash;&mdash;at
+least it imposes upon our sense of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Now, my dear brother, said my father, replacing his forefinger, as he
+was coming closer to the point&mdash;&mdash;had my child arrived safe
+into the world, unmartyr’d in that precious part of him&mdash;fanciful
+and extravagant as I may appear to the world in my opinion of christian
+names, and of that magic bias which good or bad names irresistibly
+impress upon our characters and conducts&mdash;Heaven is witness! that
+in the warmest transports of my wishes for the prosperity of my child,
+I&nbsp;never once wished to crown his head with more glory and honour
+than what <span class = "smallcaps">George</span> or <span class =
+"smallcaps">Edward</span> would have spread around&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>But alas! continued my father, as the greatest evil has befallen
+him&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;must counteract and undo it with the greatest
+good.</p>
+
+<p>He shall be christened <i>Trismegistus</i>, brother.</p>
+
+<p>I wish it may answer&mdash;&mdash;replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+rising&nbsp;up.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapIX" id = "bookIV_chapIX">
+CHAPTER IX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">What</span> a chapter of chances, said my
+father, turning himself about upon the first landing, as he and my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> were going downstairs&mdash;what a long chapter of chances
+do the events of this world lay open to us! Take pen and ink in hand,
+brother <i>Toby</i>, and calculate it fairly&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;know no
+more of calculation than this balluster, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+(striking short of it with his crutch, and hitting my father a desperate
+blow souse upon his shin-bone)&mdash;&mdash;’Twas a hundred to
+one&mdash;cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;I&nbsp;thought, quoth my
+father (rubbing his shin), you had known nothing of calculations,
+brother <i>Toby</i>. ’Tis a mere chance, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Then it adds one to the
+chapter&mdash;&mdash;replied my father.</p>
+
+<p>The double success of my father’s repartees tickled off the pain of
+his shin at once&mdash;it was well it so fell out&mdash;(chance!
+again)&mdash;or the world to this day had never known the subject of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page204" id = "page204">204</a></span>
+my father’s calculation&mdash;&mdash;to guess it&mdash;there was no
+chance&mdash;&mdash;What a lucky chapter of chances has this turned out!
+for it has saved me the trouble of writing one express, and in truth I
+have enough already upon my hands without it.&mdash;Have not I promised
+the world a chapter of knots? two chapters upon the right and the wrong
+end of a woman? a&nbsp;chapter upon whiskers? a&nbsp;chapter upon
+wishes?&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;chapter of noses?&mdash;No, I&nbsp;have done
+that&mdash;a&nbsp;chapter upon my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> modesty? to say
+nothing of a chapter upon chapters, which I will finish before I
+sleep&mdash;by my great-grandfather’s whiskers, I&nbsp;shall never get
+half of ’em through this year.</p>
+
+<p>Take pen and ink in hand, and calculate it fairly, brother
+<i>Toby</i>, said my father, and it will turn out a million to one, that
+of all the parts of the body, the edge of the forceps should have the
+ill luck just to fall upon and break down that one part, which should
+break down the fortunes of our house with&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>It might have been worse, replied my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;I don’t comprehend, said my
+father.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Suppose the hip had presented, replied my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, as Dr. <i>Slop</i> foreboded.</p>
+
+<p>My father reflected half a minute&mdash;looked
+down&mdash;&mdash;touched the middle of his forehead slightly with his
+<span class = "locked">finger&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;True, said he.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapX" id = "bookIV_chapX">
+CHAPTER X</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Is</span> it not a shame to make two
+chapters of what passed in going down one pair of stairs? for we are got
+no farther yet than to the first landing, and there are fifteen more
+steps down to the bottom; and for aught I know, as my father and my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> are in a talking humour, there may be as many chapters
+as steps:&mdash;&mdash;let that be as it will, Sir, I&nbsp;can no more
+help it than my destiny:&mdash;A&nbsp;sudden impulse comes across
+me&mdash;&mdash;drop the curtain, <i>Shandy</i>&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;drop
+it&mdash;Strike a line here across the paper,
+<i>Tristram</i>&mdash;I&nbsp;strike it&mdash;and hey for a new
+chapter.</p>
+
+<p>The deuce of any other rule have I to govern myself by in this
+affair&mdash;and if I had one&mdash;as I do all things out of all
+rule&mdash;I&nbsp;would twist it and tear it to pieces, and throw it
+into the fire when I had done&mdash;Am I warm? I&nbsp;am, and the cause
+demands it&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;pretty story! is a man to follow
+rules&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;or rules to follow him?</p>
+
+<p>Now this, you must know, being my chapter upon chapters, which I
+promised to write before I went to sleep, I&nbsp;thought it
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page205" id = "page205">205</a></span>
+meet to ease my conscience entirely before I laid down, by telling the
+world all I knew about the matter at once: Is not this ten times better
+than to set out dogmatically with a sententious parade of wisdom, and
+telling the world a story of a roasted horse&mdash;&mdash;that chapters
+relieve the mind&mdash;that they assist&mdash;or impose upon the
+imagination&mdash;and that in a work of this dramatic cast they are as
+necessary as the shifting of scenes&mdash;&mdash;with fifty other cold
+conceits, enough to extinguish the fire which roasted him?&mdash;O! but
+to understand this, which is a puff at the fire of <i>Diana’s</i>
+temple&mdash;you must read <i>Longinus</i>&mdash;read away&mdash;if you
+are not a jot the wiser by reading him the first time over&mdash;never
+fear&mdash;read him again&mdash;<i>Avicenna</i> and <i>Licetus</i> read
+<i>Aristotle’s</i> metaphysicks forty times through apiece, and never
+understood a single word.&mdash;But mark the
+consequence&mdash;<i>Avicenna</i> turned out a desperate writer at all
+kinds of writing&mdash;for he wrote books <i>de omni scribili</i>; and
+for <i>Licetus</i> (<i>Fortunio</i>) though all the world knows he was
+born a fœtus,<a class = "tag" name = "tag_4_6" id = "tag_4_6" href =
+"#note_4_6">6</a> of no more than five inches and a half in length, yet
+he grew to that astonishing height in literature, as to write a book
+with a title as long as himself&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;the learned know I
+mean his <i>Gonopsychanthropologia</i>, upon the origin of the human
+soul.</p>
+
+<p>So much for my chapter upon chapters, which I hold to be the best
+chapter in my whole work; and take my word, whoever reads it, is full as
+well employed, as in picking straws.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page206" id = "page206">206</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXI" id = "bookIV_chapXI">
+CHAPTER XI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">We</span> shall bring all things to rights,
+said my father, setting his foot upon the first step from the
+landing.&mdash;This <i>Trismegistus</i>, continued my father, drawing
+his leg back and turning to my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;was the
+greatest (<i>Toby</i>) of all earthly beings&mdash;he was the greatest
+king&mdash;&mdash;the greatest law-giver&mdash;&mdash;the greatest
+philosopher&mdash;&mdash;and the greatest priest&mdash;&mdash;and
+engineer&mdash;said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;In course, said my father.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXII" id = "bookIV_chapXII">
+CHAPTER XII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;<span class = "firstword">And</span> how does your mistress?
+cried my father, taking the same step over again from the landing, and
+calling to <i>Susannah</i>, whom he saw passing by the foot of the
+stairs with a huge pincushion in her hand&mdash;how does your mistress?
+As well, said <i>Susannah</i>, tripping by, but without looking up, as
+can be expected.&mdash;What a fool am I! said my father, drawing his leg
+back again&mdash;let things be as they will, brother <i>Toby</i>, ’tis
+ever the precise answer&mdash;&mdash;And how is the child,
+pray?&mdash;&mdash;No answer. And where is Dr. <i>Slop?</i> added my
+father, raising his voice aloud, and looking over the
+ballusters&mdash;<i>Susannah</i> was out of hearing.</p>
+
+<p>Of all the riddles of a married life, said my father, crossing the
+landing in order to set his back against the wall, whilst he propounded
+it to my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;of all the puzzling riddles,
+said he, in a marriage state,&mdash;&mdash;of which you may trust me,
+brother <i>Toby</i>, there are more asses loads than all <i>Job’s</i>
+stock of asses could have carried&mdash;&mdash;there is not one that has
+more intricacies in it than this&mdash;that from the very moment the
+mistress of the house is brought to bed, every female in it, from my
+lady’s gentlewoman down to the cinder-wench, becomes an inch taller for
+it; and give themselves more airs upon that single inch, than all their
+other inches put together.</p>
+
+<p>I think rather, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>, that ’tis we who sink
+an inch lower.&mdash;If I meet but a woman with child&mdash;I&nbsp;do
+it.&mdash;’Tis a heavy tax upon that half of our fellow-creatures,
+brother <i>Shandy</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;’Tis a piteous
+burden upon ’em, continued he, shaking his head&mdash;Yes, yes, ’tis a
+painful thing&mdash;said
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page207" id = "page207">207</a></span>
+my father, shaking his head too&mdash;&mdash;but certainly since shaking
+of heads came into fashion, never did two heads shake together, in
+concert, from two such different springs.</p>
+
+<table class = "inline" summary = "aligned text">
+<tr>
+<td>
+God bless<br />
+Deuce take</td>
+<td class = "bracket">
+’em all&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;said my uncle <i>Toby</i> and my father,
+each to himself.
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXIII" id = "bookIV_chapXIII">
+CHAPTER XIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Holla</span>!&mdash;&mdash;you,
+chairman!&mdash;&mdash;here’s sixpence&mdash;&mdash;do step into that
+bookseller’s shop, and call me a <i>day-tall</i> critick. I&nbsp;am very
+willing to give any one of ’em a crown to help me with his tackling, to
+get my father and my uncle <i>Toby</i> off the stairs, and to put them
+to bed.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;’Tis even high time; for except a short nap, which they both
+got whilst <i>Trim</i> was boring the jack-boots&mdash;and which, by the
+bye, did my father no sort of good, upon the score of the bad
+hinge&mdash;they have not else shut their eyes, since nine hours before
+the time that Dr. <i>Slop</i> was led into the back parlour in that
+dirty pickle by <i>Obadiah</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this&mdash;and to
+take up&mdash;Truce.</p>
+
+<p>I will not finish that sentence till I have made an observation upon
+the strange state of affairs between the reader and myself, just as
+things stand at present&mdash;an observation never applicable before to
+any one biographical writer since the creation of the world, but to
+myself&mdash;and I believe, will never hold good to any other, until its
+final destruction&mdash;and therefore, for the very novelty of it alone,
+it must be worth your worships attending&nbsp;to.</p>
+
+<p>I am this month one whole year older than I was this time
+twelve-month; and having got, as you perceive, almost into the middle of
+my fourth volume<a class = "tag" name = "tag_4_7" id = "tag_4_7" href =
+"#note_4_7">7</a>&mdash;and no farther than to my first day’s
+life&mdash;’tis demonstrative that I have three hundred and sixty-four
+days more life to write just now, than when I first set out; so that
+instead of advancing, as a common writer, in my work with what I have
+been doing at it&mdash;on the contrary, I&nbsp;am just thrown so many
+volumes back&mdash;was every day of my life to be as busy a day as
+this&mdash;And why not?&mdash;&mdash;and the transactions and opinions
+of it to take up as much description&mdash;And for what reason should
+they be cut short? as at this rate I should just live 364 times faster
+than I should write&mdash;It must
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page208" id = "page208">208</a></span>
+follow, an’ please your worships, that the more I write, the more I
+shall have to write&mdash;and consequently, the more your worships read,
+the more your worships will have to read.</p>
+
+<p>Will this be good for your worships’ eyes?</p>
+
+<p>It will do well for mine; and, was it not that my <span class =
+"smallcaps">Opinions</span> will be the death of me, I&nbsp;perceive I
+shall lead a fine life of it out of this self-same life of mine; or, in
+other words, shall lead a couple of fine lives together.</p>
+
+<p>As for the proposal of twelve volumes a year, or a volume a month, it
+no way alters my prospect&mdash;write as I will, and rush as I may into
+the middle of things, as <i>Horace</i> advises&mdash;I&nbsp;shall never
+overtake myself whipp’d and driven to the last pinch; at the worst I
+shall have one day the start of my pen&mdash;and one day is enough for
+two volumes&mdash;&mdash;and two volumes will be enough for one <span
+class = "locked">year.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Heaven prosper the manufacturers of paper under this propitious
+reign, which is now opened to us&mdash;&mdash;as I trust its providence
+will prosper everything else in it that is taken in <span class =
+"locked">hand.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>As for the propagation of Geese&mdash;I give myself no
+concern&mdash;Nature is all bountiful&mdash;I&nbsp;shall never want
+tools to work with.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;So then, friend! you have got my father and my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> off the stairs, and seen them to
+bed?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;And how did you manage it?&mdash;&mdash;You
+dropp’d a curtain at the stair-foot&mdash;I&nbsp;thought you had no
+other way for it&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Here’s a crown for your
+trouble.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXIV" id = "bookIV_chapXIV">
+CHAPTER XIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;<span class = "firstword">Then</span> reach me my breeches off
+the chair, said my father to <i>Susannah</i>.&mdash;&mdash;There is not
+a moment’s time to dress you, Sir, cried <i>Susannah</i>&mdash;the child
+is as black in the face as my&mdash;&mdash;As your what? said my father,
+for like all orators, he was a dear searcher into
+comparisons.&mdash;Bless me, Sir, said <i>Susannah</i>, the child’s in a
+fit.&mdash;And where’s Mr. <i>Yorick?</i>&mdash;Never where he should
+be, said <i>Susannah</i>, but his curate’s in the dressing-room, with
+the child upon his arm, waiting for the name&mdash;and my mistress bid
+me run as fast as I could to know, as captain <i>Shandy</i> is the
+godfather, whether it should not be called after him.</p>
+
+<p>Were one sure, said my father to himself, scratching his eyebrow,
+that the child was expiring, one might as well compliment
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page209" id = "page209">209</a></span>
+my brother <i>Toby</i> as not&mdash;and it would be a pity, in such a
+case, to throw away so great a name as <i>Trismegistus</i> upon
+him&mdash;&mdash;but he may recover.</p>
+
+<p>No, no,&mdash;&mdash;said my father to <i>Susannah</i>, I’ll get
+up&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;There is no time, cried <i>Susannah</i>, the
+child’s as black as my shoe. <i>Trismegistus</i>, said my
+father&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;But stay&mdash;thou art a leaky vessel,
+<i>Susannah</i>, added my father; canst thou carry <i>Trismegistus</i>
+in thy head, the length of the gallery without
+scattering?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Can I? cried <i>Susannah</i>, shutting
+the door in a huff.&mdash;&mdash;If she can, I’ll be shot, said my
+father, bouncing out of bed in the dark, and groping for his
+breeches.</p>
+
+<p><i>Susannah</i> ran with all speed along the gallery.</p>
+
+<p>My father made all possible speed to find his breeches.</p>
+
+<p><i>Susannah</i> got the start, and kept it&mdash;’Tis
+<i>Tris</i>&mdash;something, cried <i>Susannah</i>&mdash;There is no
+christian-name in the world, said the curate, beginning with
+<i>Tris</i>&mdash;but <i>Tristram</i>. Then ’tis <i>Tristram-gistus</i>,
+quoth <i>Susannah</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;There is no <i>gistus</i> to it, noodle!&mdash;’tis my
+own name, replied the curate, dipping his hand, as he spoke, into the
+bason&mdash;<i>Tristram!</i> said he, &amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.,
+so <i>Tristram</i> was I called, and <i>Tristram</i> shall I be to the
+day of my death.</p>
+
+<p>My father followed <i>Susannah</i>, with his night-gown across his
+arm, with nothing more than his breeches on, fastened through haste with
+but a single button, and that button through haste thrust only half into
+the button-hole.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;She has not forgot the name? cried my father, half
+opening the door.&mdash;&mdash;No, no, said the curate, with a tone of
+intelligence.&mdash;&mdash;And the child is better, cried
+<i>Susannah</i>.&mdash;&mdash;And how does your mistress? As well, said
+<i>Susannah</i>, as can be expected.&mdash;Pish! said my father, the
+button of his breeches slipping out of the button-hole&mdash;So that
+whether the interjection was levelled at <i>Susannah</i>, or the
+button-hole&mdash;whether Pish was an interjection of contempt or an
+interjection of modesty, is a doubt, and must be a doubt till I shall
+have time to write the three following favourite chapters, that is, my
+chapter of <i>chamber-maids</i>, my chapter of <i>pishes</i>, and my
+chapter of <i>button-holes</i>.</p>
+
+<p>All the light I am able to give the reader at present is this, that
+the moment my father cried Pish! he whisk’d himself about&mdash;and with
+his breeches held up by one hand, and his night-gown thrown across the
+arm of the other, he turned along the gallery to bed, something slower
+than he came.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page210" id = "page210">210</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXV" id = "bookIV_chapXV">
+CHAPTER XV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I wish</span> I could write a chapter upon
+sleep.</p>
+
+<p>A fitter occasion could never have presented itself, than what this
+moment offers, when all the curtains of the family are drawn&mdash;the
+candles put out&mdash;and no creature’s eyes are open but a single one,
+for the other has been shut these twenty years, of my mother’s
+nurse.</p>
+
+<p>It is a fine subject!</p>
+
+<p>And yet, as fine as it is, I would undertake to write a dozen
+chapters upon button-holes, both quicker and with more fame, than a
+single chapter upon this.</p>
+
+<p>Button-holes! there is something lively in the very idea of
+’em&mdash;&mdash;and trust me, when I get amongst ’em&mdash;&mdash;You
+gentry with great beards&mdash;&mdash;look as grave as you
+will&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I’ll make merry work with my
+button-holes&mdash;I&nbsp;shall have ’em all to myself&mdash;’tis a
+maiden subject&mdash;I&nbsp;shall run foul of no man’s wisdom or fine
+sayings in&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>But for sleep&mdash;&mdash;I know I shall make nothing of it before I
+begin&mdash;I&nbsp;am no dab at your fine sayings in the first
+place&mdash;and in the next, I&nbsp;cannot for my soul set a grave face
+upon a bad matter, and tell the world&mdash;’tis the refuge of the
+unfortunate&mdash;the enfranchisement of the prisoner&mdash;the downy
+lap of the hopeless, the weary, and the broken-hearted; nor could I set
+out with a lye in my mouth, by affirming, that of all the soft and
+delicious functions of our nature, by which the great Author of it, in
+his bounty, has been pleased to recompense the sufferings wherewith his
+justice and his good pleasure has wearied us&mdash;&mdash;that this is
+the chiefest (I&nbsp;know pleasures worth ten of&nbsp;it); or what a
+happiness it is to man, when the anxieties and passions of the day are
+over, and he lies down upon his back, that his soul shall be so seated
+within him, that whichever way she turns her eyes, the heavens shall
+look calm and sweet above her&mdash;no desire&mdash;or fear&mdash;or
+doubt that troubles the air, nor any difficulty past, present, or to
+come, that the imagination may not pass over without offence, in that
+sweet secession.</p>
+
+<p>“God’s blessing,” said <i>Sancho Pança</i>, “be upon the man who
+first invented this self-same thing called sleep&mdash;it covers a man
+all over like a cloak.” Now there is more to me in this, and it speaks
+warmer to my heart and affections, than all the dissertations squeez’d
+out of the heads of the learned together upon the subject.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page211" id = "page211">211</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;Not that I altogether disapprove of what <i>Montaigne</i>
+advances upon it&mdash;’tis admirable in its way&mdash;(I&nbsp;quote by
+memory).</p>
+
+<p>The world enjoys other pleasures, says he, as they do that of sleep,
+without tasting or feeling it as it slips and passes by.&mdash;We should
+study and ruminate upon it, in order to render proper thanks to him who
+grants it to us.&mdash;For this end I cause myself to be disturbed in my
+sleep, that I may the better and more sensibly relish
+it.&mdash;&mdash;And yet I see few, says he again, who live with less
+sleep, when need requires; my body is capable of a firm, but not of a
+violent and sudden agitation&mdash;I&nbsp;evade of late all violent
+exercises&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am never weary with
+walking&mdash;&mdash;but from my youth, I&nbsp;never liked to ride upon
+pavements. I&nbsp;love to lie hard and alone, and even without my
+wife&mdash;&mdash;This last word may stagger the faith of the
+world&mdash;&mdash;but remember, “La Vraisemblance (as&nbsp;<i>Bayle</i>
+says in the affair of <i>Liceti</i>) n’est pas toujours du Côté de la
+Verité.” And so much for sleep.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXVI" id = "bookIV_chapXVI">
+CHAPTER XVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">If</span> my wife will but venture
+him&mdash;brother <i>Toby</i>, <i>Trismegistus</i> shall be dress’d and
+brought down to us, whilst you and I are getting our breakfasts <span
+class = "locked">together.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Go, tell <i>Susannah</i>, <i>Obadiah</i>, to step
+here.</p>
+
+<p>She is run upstairs, answered <i>Obadiah</i>, this very instant,
+sobbing and crying, and wringing her hands as if her heart would
+break.</p>
+
+<p>We shall have a rare month of it, said my father, turning his head
+from <i>Obadiah</i>, and looking wistfully in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+face for some time&mdash;we shall have a devilish month of it, brother
+<i>Toby</i>, said my father, setting his arms a-kimbo, and shaking his
+head; fire, water, women, wind&mdash;brother <i>Toby!</i>&mdash;’Tis
+some misfortune, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;That it is,
+cried my father&mdash;to have so many jarring elements breaking loose,
+and riding triumph in every corner of a gentleman’s house&mdash;Little
+boots it to the peace of a family, brother <i>Toby</i>, that you and I
+possess ourselves, and sit here silent and unmoved&mdash;&mdash;whilst
+such a storm is whistling over our <span class =
+"locked">heads.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>And what’s the matter, <i>Susannah?</i> They have called the child
+<i>Tristram</i>&mdash;&mdash;and my mistress is just got out of an
+hysterick fit about it&mdash;&mdash;No&mdash;&mdash;’tis not my fault,
+said <i>Susannah</i>&mdash;I&nbsp;told him it was
+<i>Tristram-gistus</i>.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page212" id = "page212">212</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Make tea for yourself, brother <i>Toby</i>, said my
+father, taking down his hat&mdash;&mdash;but how different from the
+sallies and agitations of voice and members which a common reader would
+imagine!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;For he spake in the sweetest modulation&mdash;and took down
+his hat with the genteelest movement of limbs, that ever affliction
+harmonized and attuned together.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Go to the bowling-green for corporal <i>Trim</i>, said
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>, speaking to <i>Obadiah</i>, as soon as my father
+left the room.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXVII" id = "bookIV_chapXVII">
+CHAPTER XVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> the misfortune of my <span
+class = "smallcaps">Nose</span> fell so heavily upon my father’s
+head;&mdash;the reader remembers that he walked instantly up stairs, and
+cast himself down upon his bed; and from hence, unless he has a great
+insight into human nature, he will be apt to expect a rotation of the
+same ascending and descending movements from him, upon his misfortune of
+my <span class = "smallcaps">Name</span>;&mdash;&mdash;no.</p>
+
+<p>The different weight, dear Sir&mdash;&mdash;nay even the different
+package of two vexations of the same weight&mdash;&mdash;makes a very
+wide difference in our manner of bearing and getting through with
+them.&mdash;&mdash;It is not half an hour ago, when (in&nbsp;the great
+hurry and precipitation of a poor devil’s writing for daily bread)
+I&nbsp;threw a fair sheet, which I had just finished, and carefully
+wrote out, slap into the fire, instead of the foul one.</p>
+
+<p>Instantly I snatch’d off my wig, and threw it perpendicularly, with
+all imaginable violence, up to the top of the room&mdash;indeed I caught
+it as it fell&mdash;&mdash;but there was an end of the matter; nor do I
+think anything else in <i>Nature</i> would have given such immediate
+ease: She, dear Goddess, by an instantaneous impulse, in all
+<i>provoking cases</i>, determines us to a sally of this or that
+member&mdash;or else she thrusts us into this or that place or posture
+of body, we know not why&mdash;&mdash;But mark, madam, we live amongst
+riddles and mysteries&mdash;&mdash;the most obvious things, which come
+in our way, have dark sides, which the quickest sight cannot penetrate
+into; and even the clearest and most exalted understandings amongst us
+find ourselves puzzled and at a loss in almost every cranny of nature’s
+works: so that this, like a thousand other things, falls out for us in a
+way, which tho’ we cannot reason upon it&mdash;yet we find the good of
+it, may it please your reverences and your worships&mdash;&mdash;and
+that’s enough for&nbsp;us.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page213" id = "page213">213</a></span>
+<p>Now, my father could not lie down with this affliction for his
+life&mdash;&mdash;nor could he carry it up stairs like the
+other&mdash;he walked composedly out with it to the fish-pond.</p>
+
+<p>Had my father leaned his head upon his hand, and reasoned an hour
+which way to have gone&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;reason, with all her force,
+could not have directed him to anything like it: there is something,
+Sir, in fish-ponds&mdash;&mdash;but what it is, I&nbsp;leave to
+system-builders and fish-pond-diggers betwixt ’em to find out&mdash;but
+there is something, under the first disorderly transport of the humours,
+so unaccountably becalming in an orderly and a sober walk towards one of
+them, that I have often wondered that neither <i>Pythagoras</i>, nor
+<i>Plato</i>, nor <i>Solon</i>, nor <i>Lycurgus</i>, nor <i>Mahomet</i>,
+nor any one of your noted lawgivers, ever gave order about them.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXVIII" id = "bookIV_chapXVIII">
+CHAPTER XVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Your</span> honour, said <i>Trim</i>,
+shutting the parlour-door before he began to speak, has heard,
+I&nbsp;imagine, of this unlucky accident&mdash;&mdash;O yes,
+<i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, and it gives me great
+concern.&mdash;I&nbsp;am heartily concerned too, but I hope your honour,
+replied <i>Trim</i>, will do me the justice to believe, that it was not
+in the least owing to me.&mdash;&mdash;To
+thee&mdash;<i>Trim?</i>&mdash;cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>, looking kindly
+in his face&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’twas <i>Susannah’s</i> and the curate’s
+folly betwixt them.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;What business could they have
+together, an’ please your honour, in the garden?&mdash;&mdash;In the
+gallery thou meanest, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Trim</i> found he was upon a wrong scent, and stopped short with a
+low bow&mdash;&mdash;Two misfortunes, quoth the corporal to himself, are
+twice as many at least as are needful to be talked over at one
+time;&mdash;&mdash;the mischief the cow has done in breaking into the
+fortifications, may be told his honour
+hereafter.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim’s</i> casuistry and address, under the
+cover of his low bow, prevented all suspicion in my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+so he went on with what he had to say to <i>Trim</i> as follows:</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;For my own part, <i>Trim</i>, though I can see
+little or no difference betwixt my nephew’s being called <i>Tristram</i>
+or <i>Trismegistus</i>&mdash;yet as the thing sits so near my brother’s
+heart, <i>Trim</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;would freely have given a
+hundred pounds rather than it should have
+happened.&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;hundred pounds, an’ please your honour!
+replied <i>Trim</i>,&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;would not give a cherry-stone
+to boot.&mdash;&mdash;Nor would&nbsp;I, <i>Trim</i>, upon my own
+account, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but my
+brother, whom there is no arguing
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page214" id = "page214">214</a></span>
+with in this case&mdash;maintains that a great deal more depends,
+<i>Trim</i>, upon christian-names, than what ignorant people
+imagine&mdash;&mdash;for he says there never was a great or heroic
+action performed since the world began by one called
+<i>Tristram</i>&mdash;nay, he will have it, <i>Trim</i>, that a man can
+neither be learned, or wise, or brave.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis all fancy, an’
+please your honour&mdash;I&nbsp;fought just as well, replied the
+corporal, when the regiment called me <i>Trim</i>, as when they called
+me <i>James Butler</i>.&mdash;&mdash;And for my own part, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, though I should blush to boast of myself,
+<i>Trim</i>&mdash;&mdash;yet had my name been <i>Alexander</i>,
+I&nbsp;could have done no more at <i>Namur</i> than my duty.&mdash;Bless
+your honour! cried <i>Trim</i>, advancing three steps as he spoke, does
+a man think of his christian-name when he goes upon the
+attack?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Or when he stands in the trench,
+<i>Trim?</i> cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>, looking firm.&mdash;&mdash;Or
+when he enters a breach? said <i>Trim</i>, pushing in between two
+chairs.&mdash;&mdash;Or forces the lines? cried my uncle, rising up, and
+pushing his crutch like a pike.&mdash;&mdash;Or facing a platoon? cried
+<i>Trim</i>, presenting his stick like a fire-lock.&mdash;&mdash;Or when
+he marches up the glacis? cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>, looking warm and
+setting his foot upon his <span class =
+"locked">stool.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXIX" id = "bookIV_chapXIX">
+CHAPTER XIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> father was returned from his walk
+to the fish-pond&mdash;&mdash;and opened the parlour-door in the very
+height of the attack, just as my uncle <i>Toby</i> was marching up the
+glacis&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim</i> recovered his arms&mdash;&mdash;never
+was my uncle <i>Toby</i> caught in riding at such a desperate rate in
+his life! Alas! my uncle <i>Toby!</i> had not a weightier matter called
+forth all the ready eloquence of my father&mdash;how hadst thou then and
+thy poor <span class = "smallcaps">Hobby-Horse</span> too been
+insulted!</p>
+
+<p>My father hung up his hat with the same air he took it down; and
+after giving a slight look at the disorder of the room, he took hold of
+one of the chairs which had formed the corporal’s breach, and placing it
+over-against my uncle <i>Toby</i>, he sat down in it, and as soon as the
+tea-things were taken away, and the door shut, he broke out in a
+lamentation as follows.</p>
+
+
+<h5 class = "smallcaps"><a name = "bookIV_lament" id = "bookIV_lament">
+My Father’s Lamentation</a></h5>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> is in vain longer, said my
+father, addressing himself as much to <i>Ernulphus’s</i> curse, which
+was laid upon the corner of the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page215" id = "page215">215</a></span>
+chimney-piece&mdash;&mdash;as to my uncle <i>Toby</i> who sat under
+it&mdash;&mdash;it is in vain longer, said my father, in the most
+querulous monotony imaginable, to struggle as I have done against this
+most uncomfortable of human persuasions&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;see it
+plainly, that either for my own sins, brother <i>Toby</i>, or the sins
+and follies of the <i>Shandy</i> family, Heaven has thought fit to draw
+forth the heaviest of its artillery against me; and that the prosperity
+of my child is the point upon which the whole force of it is directed to
+play.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Such a thing would batter the whole universe
+about our ears, brother <i>Shandy</i>, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;if it was so&mdash;Unhappy <i>Tristram</i>: child of
+wrath! child of decrepitude! interruption! mistake! and discontent! What
+one misfortune or disaster in the book of embryotic evils, that could
+unmechanize thy frame, or entangle thy filaments! which has not fallen
+upon thy head, or ever thou camest into the world&mdash;&mdash;what
+evils in thy passage into it!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;what evils
+since!&mdash;&mdash;produced into being, in the decline of thy father’s
+days&mdash;&mdash;when the powers of his imagination and of his body
+were waxing feeble&mdash;&mdash;when radical heat and radical moisture,
+the elements which should have temper’d thine, were drying up; and
+nothing left to found thy stamina in, but negations&mdash;’tis
+pitiful&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;brother <i>Toby</i>, at the best, and called
+out for all the little helps that care and attention on both sides could
+give it. But how were we defeated! You know the event, brother
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;’tis too melancholy a one to be repeated
+now&mdash;&mdash;when the few animal spirits I was worth in the world,
+and with which memory, fancy, and quick parts should have been
+convey’d&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;were all dispersed, confused, confounded,
+scattered, and sent to the <span class =
+"locked">devil.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Here then was the time to have put a stop to this persecution against
+him;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and tried an experiment at
+least&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;whether calmness and serenity of mind in your
+sister, with a due attention, brother <i>Toby</i>, to her evacuations
+and repletions&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and the rest of her non-naturals,
+might not, in a course of nine months gestation, have set all things to
+rights.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;My child was bereft of
+these!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;What a teazing life did she lead herself, and
+consequently her fœtus too, with that nonsensical anxiety of hers about
+lying-in in town? I&nbsp;thought my sister submitted with the greatest
+patience, replied my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never heard her utter one
+fretful word about it.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;She fumed inwardly, cried my
+father; and that, let me tell you, brother, was ten times worse for the
+child&mdash;and then! what battles did she fight with me, and what
+perpetual storms
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page216" id = "page216">216</a></span>
+about the midwife.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;There she gave vent, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Vent! cried my father,
+looking&nbsp;up.</p>
+
+<p>But what was all this, my dear <i>Toby</i>, to the injuries done us
+by my child’s coming head foremost into the world, when all I wished, in
+this general wreck of his frame, was to have saved this little casket
+unbroke, <span class =
+"locked">unrifled.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>With all my precautions, how was my system turned topside-turvy in
+the womb with my child! his head exposed to the hand of violence, and a
+pressure of 470 pounds avoirdupois weight acting so perpendicularly upon
+its apex&mdash;that at this hour ’tis ninety <i>per Cent.</i> insurance,
+that the fine net-work of the intellectual web be not rent and torn to a
+thousand tatters.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Still we could have done.&mdash;&mdash;Fool, coxcomb,
+puppy&mdash;&mdash;give him but a <span class =
+"smallcaps">Nose</span>&mdash;&mdash;Cripple, Dwarf, Driveller,
+Goosecap&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;(shape him as you will) the door of fortune
+stands open&mdash;<i>O Licetus! Licetus!</i> had I been blest with a
+fœtus five inches long and a half, like thee&mdash;Fate might have done
+her worst.</p>
+
+<p>Still, brother <i>Toby</i>, there was one cast of the dye left for
+our child after all&mdash;<i>O Tristram! Tristram! Tristram!</i></p>
+
+<p>We will send for Mr. <i>Yorick</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;You may send for whom you will, replied my father.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXX" id = "bookIV_chapXX">
+CHAPTER XX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">What</span> a rate have I gone on at,
+curvetting and frisking it away, two up and two down for four volumes<a
+class = "tag" name = "tag_4_8" id = "tag_4_8" href = "#note_4_8">8</a>
+together, without looking once behind, or even on one side of me, to see
+whom I trod upon!&mdash;I’ll tread upon no one&mdash;&mdash;quoth I to
+myself when I mounted&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I’ll take a good rattling
+gallop; but I’ll not hurt the poorest jackass upon the
+road.&mdash;&mdash;So off I set&mdash;&mdash;up one
+lane&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;down another, through this
+turnpike&mdash;&mdash;over that, as if the arch-jockey of jockeys had
+got behind&nbsp;me.</p>
+
+<p>Now ride at this rate with what good intention and resolution you
+<ins class = "correction"
+title = "text reads ‘way’">may</ins>&mdash;&mdash;’tis a million to one you’ll do some one a
+mischief, if not yourself&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;He’s flung&mdash;he’s
+off&mdash;he’s lost his hat&mdash;he’s down&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;he’ll
+break his neck&mdash;&mdash;see!&mdash;&mdash;if he has not galloped
+full among the scaffolding of the undertaking
+criticks!&mdash;&mdash;he’ll knock his brains out against some of their
+posts&mdash;he’s bounced out!&mdash;look&mdash;he’s now riding like a
+mad-cap full tilt through a whole crowd of painters, fiddlers, poets,
+biographers, physicians, lawyers, logicians, players, schoolmen,
+churchmen,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page217" id = "page217">217</a></span>
+statesmen, soldiers, casuists, connoisseurs, prelates, popes, and
+engineers.&mdash;Don’t fear, said I&mdash;I’ll not hurt the poorest
+jack-ass upon the king’s highway.&mdash;But your horse throws dirt; see
+you’ve splash’d a bishop.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;hope in God, ’twas only
+<i>Ernulphus</i>, said I.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;But you have squirted full
+in the faces of Mess. <i>Le Moyne</i>, <i>De Romigny</i>, and <i>De
+Marcilly</i>, doctors of the <i>Sorbonne</i>.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;That
+was last year, replied I.&mdash;But you have trod this moment upon a
+king.&mdash;&mdash;Kings have bad times on’t, said I, to be trod upon by
+such people as&nbsp;me.</p>
+
+<p>You have done it, replied my accuser.</p>
+
+<p>I deny it, quoth I, and so have got off, and here am I standing with
+my bridle in one hand, and with my cap in the other, to tell my
+story.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;And what is it? You shall hear in the next
+chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXXI" id = "bookIV_chapXXI">
+CHAPTER XXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> <i>Francis</i> the first of
+<i>France</i> was one winterly night warming himself over the embers of
+a wood fire, and talking with his first minister of sundry things for
+the good of the state<a class = "tag" name = "tag_4_9" id = "tag_4_9"
+href = "#note_4_9">9</a>&mdash;It would not be amiss, said the king,
+stirring up the embers with his cane, if this good understanding betwixt
+ourselves and <i>Switzerland</i> was a little strengthened.&mdash;There
+is no end, Sire, replied the minister, in giving money to these
+people&mdash;they would swallow up the treasury of
+<i>France</i>.&mdash;Poo! poo! answered the king&mdash;there are more
+ways, Mons. <i>le Premier</i>, of bribing states, besides that of giving
+money&mdash;I’ll pay <i>Switzerland</i> the honour of standing godfather
+for my next child.&mdash;&mdash;Your majesty, said the minister, in so
+doing, would have all the grammarians in <i>Europe</i> upon your
+back;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Switzerland</i>, as a republick, being a female,
+can in no construction be godfather.&mdash;She may be godmother, replied
+<i>Francis</i> hastily&mdash;so announce my intentions by a courier
+to-morrow morning.</p>
+
+<p>I am astonished, said <i>Francis</i> the First, (that day fortnight)
+speaking to his minister as he entered the closet, that we have had no
+answer from <i>Switzerland</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Sire, I&nbsp;wait upon you
+this moment, said Mons. <i>le Premier</i>, to lay before you my
+dispatches upon that business.&mdash;They take it kindly, said the
+king.&mdash;They do, Sire, replied the minister, and have the highest
+sense of the honour your majesty has done them&mdash;&mdash;but the
+republick, as godmother, claims her right, in this case, of naming the
+child.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page218" id = "page218">218</a></span>
+<p>In all reason, quoth the king&mdash;&mdash;she will christen him
+<i>Francis</i>, or <i>Henry</i>, or <i>Lewis</i>, or some name that she
+knows will be agreeable to us. Your majesty is deceived, replied the
+minister&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have this hour received a dispatch from our
+resident, with the determination of the republick on that point
+also.&mdash;&mdash;And what name has the republick fixed upon for the
+Dauphin?&mdash;&mdash;<i>Shadrach</i>, <i>Meshech</i>, <i>Abed-nego</i>,
+replied the minister.&mdash;By Saint <i>Peter’s</i> girdle, I&nbsp;will
+have nothing to do with the <i>Swiss</i>, cried <i>Francis</i> the
+First, pulling up his breeches and walking hastily across the floor.</p>
+
+<p>Your majesty, replied the minister calmly, cannot bring yourself
+off.</p>
+
+<p>We’ll pay them in money&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;said the king.</p>
+
+<p>Sire, there are not sixty thousand crowns in the treasury, answered
+the minister.&mdash;&mdash;I’ll pawn the best jewel in my crown, quoth
+<i>Francis</i> the First.</p>
+
+<p>Your honour stands pawn’d already in this matter, answered Monsieur
+<i>le Premier</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Then, Mons. <i>le Premier</i>, said the king,
+by&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;we’ll go to war with ’em.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXXII" id = "bookIV_chapXXII">
+CHAPTER XXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Albeit</span>, gentle reader, I have lusted
+earnestly, and endeavoured carefully (according to the measure of such a
+slender skill as God has vouchsafed me, and as convenient leisure from
+other occasions of needful profit and healthful pastime have permitted)
+that these little books which I here put into thy hands, might stand
+instead of many bigger books&mdash;yet have I carried myself towards
+thee in such fanciful guise of careless disport, that right sore am I
+ashamed now to intreat thy lenity seriously&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;in
+beseeching thee to believe it of me, that in the story of my father and
+his christian-names&mdash;I&nbsp;have no thoughts of treading upon
+<i>Francis</i> the First&mdash;&mdash;nor in the affair of the
+nose&mdash;upon <i>Francis</i> the Ninth&mdash;nor in the character of
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;of characterizing the militiating
+spirits of my country&mdash;the wound upon his groin, is a wound to
+every comparison of that kind&mdash;nor by <i>Trim</i>&mdash;that I
+meant the duke of <i>Ormond</i>&mdash;&mdash;or that my book is wrote
+against predestination, or free-will, or taxes&mdash;If ’tis wrote
+against any thing,&mdash;&mdash;’tis wrote, an’ please your worships,
+against the spleen! in order, by a more frequent and a more convulsive
+elevation and depression of the diaphragm, and the succussations of the
+intercostal and abdominal muscles
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page219" id = "page219">219</a></span>
+in laughter, to drive the <i>gall</i> and other <i>bitter juices</i>
+from the gallbladder, liver, and sweet-bread of his majesty’s subjects,
+with all the inimicitious passions which belong to them, down into their
+duodenums.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXXIII" id = "bookIV_chapXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;<span class = "firstword">But</span> can the thing be undone,
+<i>Yorick?</i> said my father&mdash;for in my opinion, continued he, it
+cannot. I&nbsp;am a vile canonist, replied <i>Yorick</i>&mdash;but of
+all evils, holding suspense to be the most tormenting, we shall at least
+know the worst of this matter. I&nbsp;hate these great
+dinners&mdash;&mdash;said my father&mdash;The size of the dinner is not
+the point, answered <i>Yorick</i>&mdash;&mdash;we want, Mr.
+<i>Shandy</i>, to dive into the bottom of this doubt, whether the name
+can be changed or not&mdash;and as the beards of so many commissaries,
+officials, advocates, proctors, registers, and of the most eminent of
+our school-divines, and others, are all to meet in the middle of one
+table, and <i>Didius</i> has so pressingly invited you&mdash;who in your
+distress would miss such an occasion? All that is requisite, continued
+<i>Yorick</i>, is to apprize <i>Didius</i>, and let him manage a
+conversation after dinner so as to introduce the subject.&mdash;Then my
+brother <i>Toby</i>, cried my father, clapping his two hands together,
+shall go with&nbsp;us.</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+&mdash;&mdash;Let my old tye-wig, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, and my
+laced regimentals, be hung to the fire all night, <i>Trim</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page230" id = "page230">230</a></span>
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXXV" id = "bookIV_chapXXV">
+CHAPTER XXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;<span class = "firstword">No</span> doubt, Sir,&mdash;there is
+a whole chapter wanting here&mdash;and a chasm of ten pages made in the
+book by it&mdash;but the bookbinder is neither a fool, or a knave, or a
+puppy&mdash;nor is the book a jot more imperfect (at&nbsp;least upon
+that score)&mdash;&mdash;but, on the contrary, the book is more perfect
+and complete by wanting the chapter, than having it, as I shall
+demonstrate to your reverences in this manner.&mdash;I&nbsp;question
+first, by the bye, whether the same experiment might not be made as
+successfully upon sundry other chapters&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but there is
+no end, an’ please your reverences, in trying experiments upon
+chapters&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;we have had enough of it&mdash;&mdash;So
+there’s an end of that matter.</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+But before I begin my demonstration, let me only tell you, that the
+chapter which I have torn out, and which otherwise you would all have
+been reading just now, instead of this&mdash;&mdash;was the description
+of my father’s, my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>, <i>Trim’s</i>, and
+<i>Obadiah’s</i> setting out and journeying to the visitation at
+****.</p>
+
+<p>We’ll go in the coach, said my father&mdash;Prithee, have the arms
+been altered, <i>Obadiah?</i>&mdash;It would have made my story much
+better to have begun with telling you, that at the time my mother’s arms
+were added to the <i>Shandy’s</i>, when the coach was re-painted upon my
+father’s marriage, it had so fallen out, that the coach-painter, whether
+by performing all his works with the left-hand, like <i>Turpilius</i>
+the <i>Roman</i>, or <i>Hans Holbein</i> of <i>Basil</i>&mdash;&mdash;or
+whether ’twas more from the blunder of his head than
+hand&mdash;&mdash;or whether, lastly, it was from the sinister turn
+which every thing relating to our family was apt to take&mdash;&mdash;it
+so fell out, however, to our reproach, that instead of the
+<i>bend-dexter</i>, which since <i>Harry</i> the Eighth’s reign was
+honestly our due&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;<i>bend-sinister</i>, by
+some of these fatalities, had been drawn quite across the field of the
+<i>Shandy</i> arms. ’Tis scarce credible that the mind of so wise a man
+as my father was, could be so much incommoded with so small a matter.
+The word coach&mdash;let it be whose it would&mdash;or coach-man, or
+coach-horse, or coach-hire, could never be named in the family, but he
+constantly complained of carrying this vile mark of illegitimacy upon
+the door of his own; he never once was able to step into the coach, or
+out of it, without turning round to take a view of the arms, and making
+a vow at the same time, that it was the last time he would ever set his
+foot in it again, till the <i>bend-sinister</i>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page231" id = "page231">231</a></span>
+was taken out&mdash;but like the affair of the hinge, it was one of the
+many things which the <i>Destinies</i> had set down in their books ever
+to be grumbled at (and in wiser families than ours)&mdash;&mdash;but
+never to be mended.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Has the <i>bend-sinister</i> been brush’d out, I say? said my
+father.&mdash;&mdash;There has been nothing brush’d out, Sir, answered
+<i>Obadiah</i>, but the lining. We’ll go o’horseback, said my father,
+turning to <i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Of all things in the world,
+except politicks, the clergy know the least of heraldry, said
+<i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;No matter for that, cried my
+father&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;should be sorry to appear with a blot in my
+escutcheon before them.&mdash;Never mind the <i>bend-sinister</i>, said
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>, putting on his tye-wig.&mdash;&mdash;No, indeed,
+said my father&mdash;you may go with my aunt <i>Dinah</i> to a
+visitation with a <i>bend-sinister</i>, if you think fit&mdash;My poor
+uncle <i>Toby</i> blush’d. My father was vexed at
+himself.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;No&mdash;&mdash;my dear brother
+<i>Toby</i>, said my father, changing his tone&mdash;&mdash;but the damp
+of the coach-lining about my loins, may give me the sciatica again, as
+it did <i>December</i>, <i>January</i>, and <i>February</i> last
+<i>winter</i>&mdash;so if you please you shall ride my wife’s
+pad&mdash;&mdash;and as you are to preach, <i>Yorick</i>, you had better
+make the best of your way before&mdash;&mdash;and leave me to take care
+of my brother <i>Toby</i>, and to follow at our own rates.</p>
+
+<p>Now the chapter I was obliged to tear out, was the description of
+this cavalcade, in which Corporal <i>Trim</i> and <i>Obadiah</i>, upon
+two coach-horses a-breast, led the way as slow as a
+patrole&mdash;&mdash;whilst my uncle <i>Toby</i>, in his laced
+regimentals and tye-wig, kept his rank with my father, in deep roads and
+dissertations alternately upon the advantage of learning and arms, as
+each could get the start.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;But the painting of this journey, upon reviewing it, appears
+to be so much above the stile and manner of anything else I have been
+able to paint in this book, that it could not have remained in it,
+without depreciating every other scene; and destroying at the same time
+that necessary equipoise and balance, (whether of good or bad) betwixt
+chapter and chapter, from whence the just proportions and harmony of the
+whole work results. For my own part, I&nbsp;am but just set up in the
+business, so know little about it&mdash;but, in my opinion, to write a
+book is for all the world like humming a song&mdash;but in tune with
+yourself, madam, ’tis no matter how high or how low you
+take&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;This is the reason, may it please your reverences, that some
+of the lowest and flattest compositions pass off very
+well&mdash;&mdash;(as&nbsp;<i>Yorick</i> told my uncle <i>Toby</i> one
+night) by siege.&mdash;&mdash;My uncle
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page232" id = "page232">232</a></span>
+<i>Toby</i> looked brisk at the sound of the word <i>siege</i>, but
+could make neither head or tail of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>I’m to preach at court next Sunday, said
+<i>Homenas</i>&mdash;&mdash;run over my notes&mdash;&mdash;so I humm’d
+over doctor <i>Homenas’s</i> notes&mdash;the modulation’s very
+well&mdash;&mdash;’twill do, <i>Homenas</i>, if it holds on at this
+rate&mdash;&mdash;so on I humm’d&mdash;&mdash;and a tolerable tune I
+<ins class = "correction" title = "text reads ‘though’">thought</ins> it
+was; and to this hour, may it please your reverences, had never found
+out how low, how flat, how spiritless and jejune it was, but that all of
+a sudden, up started an air in the middle of it, so fine, so rich, so
+heavenly,&mdash;it carried my soul up with it into the other world; now
+had I (as&nbsp;<i>Montaigne</i> complained in a parallel
+accident)&mdash;had I found the declivity easy, or the ascent
+accessible&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;certes I had been
+outwitted.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Your notes, <i>Homenas</i>, I&nbsp;should
+have said, are good notes;&mdash;&mdash;but it was so perpendicular a
+precipice&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;so wholly cut off from the rest of the
+work, that by the first note I humm’d I found myself flying into the
+other world, and from thence discovered the vale from whence I came, so
+deep, so low, and dismal, that I shall never have the heart to descend
+into it again.</p>
+
+<p><img src = "images/finger.gif" width = "30" height = "13" alt =
+"--&gt;" /> A dwarf who brings a standard along with him to measure his
+own size&mdash;take my word, is a <ins class = "correction" title =
+"text reads ‘drawf’">dwarf</ins> in more articles than one.&mdash;And so
+much for tearing out of chapters.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXXVI" id = "bookIV_chapXXVI">
+CHAPTER XXVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">See</span> if he is not
+cutting it into slips, and giving them about him to light their
+pipes!&mdash;&mdash;’Tis abominable, answered <i>Didius</i>; it should
+not go unnoticed, said doctor <i>Kysarcius</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; <img
+src = "images/finger.gif" width = "30" height = "13" alt = "--&gt;"
+/>&nbsp;he was of the <i>Kysarcii</i> of the Low Countries.</p>
+
+<p>Methinks, said <i>Didius</i>, half rising from his chair, in order to
+remove a bottle and a tall decanter, which stood in a direct line
+betwixt him and <i>Yorick</i>&mdash;&mdash;you might have spared this
+sarcastic stroke, and have hit upon a more proper place, Mr.
+<i>Yorick</i>&mdash;or at least upon a more proper occasion to have
+shewn your contempt of what we have been about: If the sermon is of no
+better worth than to light pipes with&mdash;&mdash;’twas certainly, Sir,
+not good enough to be preached before so learned a body; and if ’twas
+good enough to be preached before so learned a body&mdash;&mdash;’twas
+certainly, Sir, too good to light their pipes with afterwards.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I have got him fast hung up, quoth <i>Didius</i> to
+himself, upon one of the two horns of my dilemma&mdash;&mdash;let him
+get off as he can.</p>
+
+<p>I have undergone such unspeakable torments, in bringing forth this
+sermon, quoth <i>Yorick</i>, upon this occasion&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;that
+I
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page233" id = "page233">233</a></span>
+declare, <i>Didius</i>, I would suffer martyrdom&mdash;and if it was
+possible my horse with me, a&nbsp;thousand times over, before I would
+sit down and make such another: I&nbsp;was delivered of it at the wrong
+end of me&mdash;&mdash;it came from my head instead of my
+heart&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and it is for the pain it gave me, both in the
+writing and preaching of it, that I revenge myself of it, in this
+manner&mdash;To preach, to shew the extent of our reading, or the
+subtleties of our wit&mdash;to parade in the eyes of the vulgar with the
+beggarly accounts of a little learning, tinsel’d over with a few words
+which glitter, but convey little light and less warmth&mdash;&mdash;is a
+dishonest use of the poor single half hour in a week which is put into
+our hands&mdash;’Tis not preaching the gospel&mdash;but
+ourselves&mdash;&mdash;For my own part, continued <i>Yorick</i>,
+I&nbsp;had rather direct five words point-blank to the <span class =
+"locked">heart.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>As <i>Yorick</i> pronounced the word <i>point-blank</i>, my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> rose up to say something upon projectiles&mdash;&mdash;when
+a single word and no more uttered from the opposite side of the table
+drew every one’s ears towards it&mdash;a&nbsp;word of all others in the
+dictionary the last in that place to be expected&mdash;a&nbsp;word I am
+ashamed to write&mdash;yet must be written&mdash;&mdash;must be
+read&mdash;illegal&mdash;uncanonical&mdash;guess ten thousand guesses,
+multiplied into themselves&mdash;rack&mdash;torture your invention for
+ever, you’re where you was&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;In short, I’ll
+tell it in the next chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXXVII" id = "bookIV_chapXXVII">
+CHAPTER XXVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Zounds!</span>
+<img src = "images/onedash.gif" width = "450" height = "12"
+alt = "----" />
+<br />
+<img src = "images/onedash.gif" width = "500" height = "12" alt = "----"
+/><br />
+&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Z&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;ds!
+cried <i>Phutatorius</i>, partly to himself&mdash;&mdash;and yet high
+enough to be heard&mdash;and what seemed odd, ’twas uttered in a
+construction of look, and in a tone of voice, somewhat between that of a
+man in amazement and one in bodily pain.</p>
+
+<p>One or two who had very nice ears, and could distinguish the
+expression and mixture of the two tones as plainly as a <i>third</i> or
+a <i>fifth</i>, or any other chord in musick&mdash;were the most puzzled
+and perplexed with it&mdash;the concord was good in itself&mdash;but
+then ’twas quite out of the key, and no way applicable to the subject
+started;&mdash;&mdash;so that with all their knowledge, they could not
+tell what in the world to make of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Others who knew nothing of musical expression, and merely lent their
+ears to the plain import of the <i>word</i>, imagined that
+<i>Phutatorius</i>, who was somewhat of a cholerick spirit, was just
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page234" id = "page234">234</a></span>
+going to snatch the cudgels out of <i>Didius’s</i> hands, in order to
+bemaul <i>Yorick</i> to some purpose&mdash;and that the desperate
+monosyllable Z&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;ds was the exordium to an oration,
+which, as they judged from the sample, presaged but a rough kind of
+handling of him; so that my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> good-nature felt a pang
+for what <i>Yorick</i> was about to undergo. But seeing
+<i>Phutatorius</i> stop short, without any attempt or desire to go
+on&mdash;a&nbsp;third party began to suppose, that it was no more than
+an involuntary respiration, casually forming itself into the shape of a
+twelve-penny oath&mdash;without the sin or substance of one.</p>
+
+<p>Others, and especially one or two who sat next him, looked upon it on
+the contrary as a real and substantial oath, propensly formed against
+<i>Yorick</i>, to whom he was known to bear no good liking&mdash;which
+said oath, as my father philosophized upon it, actually lay fretting and
+fuming at that very time in the upper regions of <i>Phutatorius’s</i>
+purtenance; and so was naturally, and according to the due course of
+things, first squeezed out by the sudden influx of blood which was
+driven into the right ventricle of <i>Phutatorius’s</i> heart, by the
+stroke of surprize which so strange a theory of preaching had
+excited.</p>
+
+<p>How finely we argue upon mistaken facts!</p>
+
+<p>There was not a soul busied in all these various reasonings upon the
+monosyllable which <i>Phutatorius</i> uttered&mdash;&mdash;who did not
+take this for granted, proceeding upon it as from an axiom, namely, that
+<i>Phutatorius’s</i> mind was intent upon the subject of debate which
+was arising between <i>Didius</i> and <i>Yorick</i>; and indeed as he
+looked first towards the one and then towards the other, with the air of
+a man listening to what was going forwards&mdash;who would not have
+thought the same? But the truth was, that <i>Phutatorius</i> knew not
+one word or one syllable of what was passing&mdash;but his whole
+thoughts and attention were taken up with a transaction which was going
+forwards at that very instant within the precincts of his own
+<i>Galligaskins</i>, and in a part of them, where of all others he stood
+most interested to watch accidents: So that notwithstanding he looked
+with all the attention in the world, and had gradually skrewed up every
+nerve and muscle in his face, to the utmost pitch the instrument would
+bear, in order, as it was thought, to give a sharp reply to
+<i>Yorick</i>, who sat over-against him&mdash;&mdash;yet, I&nbsp;say,
+was <i>Yorick</i> never once in any one domicile of <i>Phutatorius’s</i>
+brain&mdash;&mdash;but the true cause of his exclamation lay at least a
+yard below.</p>
+
+<p>This I will endeavour to explain to you with all imaginable
+decency.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page235" id = "page235">235</a></span>
+<p>You must be informed then, that <i>Gastripheres</i>, who had taken a
+turn into the kitchen a little before dinner, to see how things went
+on&mdash;observing a wicker-basket of fine chesnuts standing upon the
+dresser, had ordered that a hundred or two of them might be roasted and
+sent in, as soon as dinner was over&mdash;&mdash;<i>Gastripheres</i>
+inforcing his orders about them, that <i>Didius</i>, but
+<i>Phutatorius</i> especially, were particularly fond of ’em.</p>
+
+<p>About two minutes before the time that my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+interrupted <i>Yorick’s</i> harangue&mdash;<i>Gastripheres’s</i>
+chesnuts were brought in&mdash;and as <i>Phutatorius’s</i> fondness for
+’em was uppermost in the waiter’s head, he laid them directly before
+<i>Phutatorius</i>, wrapt up hot in a clean damask napkin.</p>
+
+<p>Now whether it was physically impossible, with half a dozen hands all
+thrust into the napkin at a time&mdash;but that some one chesnut, of
+more life and rotundity than the rest, must be put in motion&mdash;it so
+fell out, however, that one was actually sent rolling off the table; and
+as <i>Phutatorius</i> sat straddling under&mdash;&mdash;it fell
+perpendicularly into that particular aperture of <i>Phutatorius’s</i>
+breeches, for which, to the shame and indelicacy of our language be it
+spoke, there is no chaste word throughout all <i>Johnson’s</i>
+dictionary&mdash;&mdash;let it suffice to say&mdash;&mdash;it was that
+particular aperture which, in all good societies, the laws of decorum do
+strictly require, like the temple of <i>Janus</i> (in&nbsp;peace at
+least) to be universally shut&nbsp;up.</p>
+
+<p>The neglect of this punctilio in <i>Phutatorius</i> (which by the bye
+should be a warning to all mankind) had opened a door to this <span
+class = "locked">accident.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Accident I call it, in compliance to a received mode of
+speaking&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but in no opposition to the opinion either
+of <i>Acrites</i> or <i>Mythogeras</i> in this matter; I&nbsp;know they
+were both prepossessed and fully persuaded of it&mdash;and are so to
+this hour, That there was nothing of accident in the whole
+event&mdash;&mdash;but that the chesnut’s taking that particular course
+and in a manner of its own accord&mdash;and then falling with all its
+heat directly into that one particular place, and no
+other&mdash;&mdash;was a real judgment upon <i>Phutatorius</i>, for that
+filthy and obscene treatise <i>de Concubinis retinendis</i>, which
+<i>Phutatorius</i> had published about twenty years ago&mdash;&mdash;and
+was that identical week going to give the world a second
+edition&nbsp;of.</p>
+
+<p>It is not my business to dip my pen in this
+controversy&mdash;&mdash;much undoubtedly may be wrote on both sides of
+the question&mdash;all that concerns me as an historian, is to represent
+the matter of fact, and render it credible to the reader, that the
+hiatus in
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page236" id = "page236">236</a></span>
+<i>Phutatorius’s</i> breeches was sufficiently wide to receive the
+chesnut;&mdash;&mdash;and that the chesnut, somehow or other, did fall
+perpendicularly and piping hot into it, without <i>Phutatorius’s</i>
+perceiving it, or any one else at that time.</p>
+
+<p>The genial warmth which the chesnut imparted, was not undelectable
+for the first twenty or five-and-twenty seconds&mdash;&mdash;and did no
+more than gently solicit <i>Phutatorius’s</i> attention towards the
+part:&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;But the heat gradually increasing, and in a
+few seconds more getting beyond the point of all sober pleasure, and
+then advancing with all speed into the regions of pain, the soul of
+<i>Phutatorius</i>, together with all his ideas, his thoughts, his
+attention, his imagination, judgment, resolution, deliberation,
+ratiocination, memory, fancy, with ten battalions of animal spirits, all
+tumultuously crowded down, through different defiles and circuits, to
+the place of danger, leaving all his upper regions, as you may imagine,
+as empty as my purse.</p>
+
+<p>With the best intelligence which all these messengers could bring him
+back, <i>Phutatorius</i> was not able to dive into the secret of what
+was going forwards below, nor could he make any kind of conjecture, what
+the devil was the matter with it: However, as he knew not what the true
+cause might turn out, he deemed it most prudent, in the situation he was
+in at present, to bear it, if possible, like a Stoick; which, with the
+help of some wry faces and compursions of the mouth, he had certainly
+accomplished, had his imagination continued neuter;&mdash;&mdash;but the
+sallies of the imagination are ungovernable in things of this
+kind&mdash;a&nbsp;thought instantly darted into his mind, that tho’ the
+anguish had the sensation of glowing heat&mdash;it might,
+notwithstanding that, be a bite as well as a burn; and if so, that
+possibly a <i>Newt</i> or an <i>Asker</i>, or some such detested
+reptile, had crept up, and was fastening his teeth&mdash;&mdash;the
+horrid idea of which, with a fresh glow of pain arising that instant
+from the chesnut, seized <i>Phutatorius</i> with a sudden panick, and in
+the first terrifying disorder of the passion, it threw him, as it has
+done the best generals upon earth, quite off his guard:&mdash;&mdash;the
+effect of which was this, that he leapt incontinently up, uttering as he
+rose that interjection of surprise so much descanted upon, with the
+aposiopestic break after it, marked thus,
+Z&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;ds&mdash;which, though not strictly canonical, was
+still as little as any man could have said upon the
+occasion;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and which, by the bye, whether canonical
+or not, <i>Phutatorius</i> could no more help than he could the cause
+of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Though this has taken up some time in the narrative, it took
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page237" id = "page237">237</a></span>
+up little more time in the transaction, than just to allow for
+<i>Phutatorius</i> to draw forth the chesnut, and throw it down with
+violence upon the floor&mdash;and for <i>Yorick</i> to rise from his
+chair, and pick the chesnut&nbsp;up.</p>
+
+<p>It is curious to observe the triumph of slight incidents over the
+mind:&mdash;&mdash;What incredible weight they have in forming and
+governing our opinions, both of men and things&mdash;&mdash;that
+trifles, light as air, shall waft a belief into the soul, and plant it
+so immoveably within it&mdash;&mdash;that <i>Euclid’s</i>
+demonstrations, could they be brought to batter it in breach, should not
+all have power to overthrow&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Yorick</i>, I said, picked up the chesnut which
+<i>Phutatorius’s</i> wrath had flung down&mdash;&mdash;the action was
+trifling&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am ashamed to account for it&mdash;he did
+it, for no reason, but that he thought the chesnut not a jot worse for
+the adventure&mdash;and that he held a good chesnut worth stooping
+for.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;But this incident, trifling as it was, wrought
+differently in <i>Phutatorius’s</i> head: He considered this act of
+<i>Yorick’s</i> in getting off his chair and picking up the chesnut, as
+a plain acknowledgment in him, that the chesnut was originally
+his&mdash;and in course, that it must have been the owner of the
+chesnut, and no one else, who could have played him such a prank with
+it: What greatly confirmed him in this opinion, was this, that the table
+being parallelogramical and very narrow, it afforded a fair opportunity
+for <i>Yorick</i>, who sat directly over against <i>Phutatorius</i>, of
+slipping the chesnut in&mdash;&mdash;and consequently that he did it.
+The look of something more than suspicion, which <i>Phutatorius</i> cast
+full upon <i>Yorick</i> as these thoughts arose, too evidently spoke his
+opinion&mdash;&mdash;and as <i>Phutatorius</i> was naturally supposed to
+know more of the matter than any person besides, his opinion at once
+became the general one;&mdash;&mdash;and for a reason very different
+from any which have been yet given&mdash;&mdash;in a little time it was
+put out of all manner of dispute.</p>
+
+<p>When great or unexpected events fall out upon the stage of this
+sublunary world&mdash;&mdash;the mind of man, which is an inquisitive
+kind of substance, naturally takes a flight behind the scenes to see
+what is the cause and first spring of them.&mdash;The search was not
+long in this instance.</p>
+
+<p>It was well known that <i>Yorick</i> had never a good opinion of the
+treatise which <i>Phutatorius</i> had wrote <i>de Concubinis
+retinendis</i>, as a thing which he feared had done hurt in the
+world&mdash;&mdash;and ’twas easily found out, that there was a mystical
+meaning in <i>Yorick’s</i> prank&mdash;and that his chucking the chesnut
+hot into
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page238" id = "page238">238</a></span>
+<i>Phutatorius’s</i> ***&mdash;&mdash;*****, was a sarcastical fling at
+his book&mdash;the doctrines of which, they said, had enflamed many an
+honest man in the same place.</p>
+
+<p>This conceit awaken’d <i>Somnolentus</i>&mdash;&mdash;made
+<i>Agelastes</i> smile&mdash;&mdash;and if you can recollect the precise
+look and air of a man’s face intent in finding out a
+riddle&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;it threw <i>Gastripheres’s</i> into that
+form&mdash;and in short was thought by many to be a master-stroke of
+arch-wit.</p>
+
+<p>This, as the reader has seen from one end to the other, was as
+groundless as the dreams of philosophy: <i>Yorick</i>, no doubt, as
+<i>Shakespeare</i> said of his ancestor&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;“<i>was a
+man of jest</i>,” but it was temper’d with something which withheld him
+from that, and many other ungracious pranks, of which he as undeservedly
+bore the blame;&mdash;but it was his misfortune all his life long to
+bear the imputation of saying and doing a thousand things, of which
+(unless my esteem blinds&nbsp;me) his nature was incapable. All I blame
+him for&mdash;&mdash;or rather, all I blame and alternately like him
+for, was that singularity of his temper, which would never suffer him to
+take pains to set a story right with the world, however in his power. In
+every ill usage of that sort, he acted precisely as in the affair of his
+lean horse&mdash;&mdash;he could have explained it to his honour, but
+his spirit was above it; and besides, he ever looked upon the inventor,
+the propagator and believer of an illiberal report alike so injurious to
+him&mdash;he could not stoop to tell his story to them&mdash;and so
+trusted to time and truth to do it for him.</p>
+
+<p>This heroic cast produced him inconveniences in many
+respects&mdash;in the present it was followed by the fixed resentment of
+<i>Phutatorius</i>, who, as <i>Yorick</i> had just made an end of his
+chesnut, rose up from his chair a second time, to let him know
+it&mdash;which indeed he did with a smile; saying only&mdash;that he
+would endeavour not to forget the obligation.</p>
+
+<p>But you must mark and carefully separate and distinguish these two
+things in your mind.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The smile was for the company.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The threat was for <i>Yorick</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXXVIII" id = "bookIV_chapXXVIII">
+CHAPTER XXVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;<span class = "firstword">Can</span> you tell me, quoth
+<i>Phutatorius</i>, speaking to <i>Gastripheres</i> who sat next to
+him&mdash;&mdash;for one would not apply to a surgeon in so foolish an
+affair&mdash;&mdash;can you tell me, <i>Gastripheres</i>, what is
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page239" id = "page239">239</a></span>
+best to take out the fire?&mdash;&mdash;Ask <i>Eugenius</i>, said
+<i>Gastripheres</i>.&mdash;&mdash;That greatly depends, said
+<i>Eugenius</i>, pretending ignorance of the adventure, upon the nature
+of the part&mdash;&mdash;If it is a tender part, and a part which can
+conveniently be wrapt up&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;It is both the one and the
+other, replied <i>Phutatorius</i>, laying his hand as he spoke, with an
+emphatical nod of his head, upon the part in question, and lifting up
+his right leg at the same time to ease and ventilate
+it.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;If that is the case, said <i>Eugenius</i>,
+I&nbsp;would advise you, <i>Phutatorius</i>, not to tamper with it by
+any means; but if you will send to the next printer, and trust your cure
+to such a simple thing as a soft sheet of paper just come off the
+press&mdash;you need do nothing more than twist it round.&mdash;The damp
+paper, quoth <i>Yorick</i> (who sat next to his friend <i>Eugenius</i>)
+though I know it has a refreshing coolness in it&mdash;yet I presume is
+no more than the vehicle&mdash;and that the oil and lamp-black with
+which the paper is so strongly impregnated, does the
+business.&mdash;Right, said <i>Eugenius</i>, and is, of any outward
+application I would venture to recommend, the most anodyne and safe.</p>
+
+<p>Was it my case, said <i>Gastripheres</i>, as the main thing is the
+oil and lamp-black, I&nbsp;should spread them thick upon a rag, and clap
+it on directly.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;That would make a very devil of it,
+replied <i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;&mdash;And besides, added <i>Eugenius</i>,
+it would not answer the intention, which is the extreme neatness and
+elegance of the prescription, which the Faculty hold to be half in
+half;&mdash;&mdash;for consider, if the type is a very small one (which
+it should&nbsp;be) the sanative particles, which come into contact in
+this form, have the advantage of being spread so infinitely thin, and
+with such a mathematical equality (fresh paragraphs and large capitals
+excepted) as no art or management of the spatula can come up
+to.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;It falls out very luckily, replied
+<i>Phutatorius</i>, that the second edition of my treatise <i>de
+Concubinis retinendis</i> is at this instant in the
+press.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;You may take any leaf of it, said
+<i>Eugenius</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;no matter
+which.&mdash;&mdash;Provided, quoth <i>Yorick</i>, there is no bawdry in
+<span class = "locked">it.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>They are just now, replied <i>Phutatorius</i>, printing off the ninth
+chapter&mdash;&mdash;which is the last chapter but one in the
+book.&mdash;&mdash;Pray what is the title of that chapter? said
+<i>Yorick</i>; making a respectful bow to <i>Phutatorius</i> as he
+spoke.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;think, answered <i>Phutatorius</i>,
+’tis that <i>de re concubinariâ</i>.</p>
+
+<p>For Heaven’s sake keep out of that chapter, quoth <i>Yorick</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;By all means&mdash;added <i>Eugenius</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page240" id = "page240">240</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXXIX" id = "bookIV_chapXXIX">
+CHAPTER XXIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;<span class = "firstword">Now</span>, quoth <i>Didius</i>,
+rising up, and laying his right hand with his fingers spread upon his
+breast&mdash;&mdash;had such a blunder about a christian-name happened
+before the Reformation&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;[It happened the day before
+yesterday, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i> to himself] and when baptism was
+administer’d in <i>Latin</i>&mdash;[’Twas all in <i>English</i>, said my
+uncle]&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;many things might have coincided with it, and
+upon the authority of sundry decreed cases, to have pronounced the
+baptism null, with a power of giving the child a new name&mdash;Had a
+priest, for instance, which was no uncommon thing, through ignorance of
+the <i>Latin</i> tongue, baptized a child of Tom-o’Stiles, <i>in nomine
+patriĂŚ &amp; filia &amp; spiritum sanctos</i>&mdash;the baptism was held
+null.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;beg your pardon, replied
+<i>Kysarcius</i>&mdash;&mdash;in that case, as the mistake was only the
+<i>terminations</i>, the baptism was valid&mdash;&mdash;and to have
+rendered it null, the blunder of the priest should have fallen upon the
+first syllable of each noun&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and not, as in your
+case, upon the last.</p>
+
+<p>My father delighted in subtleties of this kind, and listen’d with
+infinite attention.</p>
+
+<p><i>Gastripheres</i>, for example, continued <i>Kysarcius</i>,
+baptizes a child of <i>John Stradling’s</i> in <i>Gomine</i> gatris,
+&amp;c., &amp;c., instead of <i>in Nomine</i> patris,
+&amp;c.&mdash;&mdash;Is this a baptism? No&mdash;say the ablest
+canonists; in as much as the radix of each word is hereby torn up, and
+the sense and meaning of them removed and changed quite to another
+object; for <i>Gomine</i> does not signify a name, nor <i>gatris</i> a
+father.&mdash;What do they signify? said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;Nothing at all&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;quoth
+<i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Ergo, such a baptism is null, said <span
+class = "locked"><i>Kysarcius</i>.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>In course, answered <i>Yorick</i>, in a tone two parts jest and one
+part <span class = "locked">earnest.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>But in the case cited, continued <i>Kysarcius</i>, where
+<i>patriĂŚ</i> is put for <i>patris</i>, <i>filia</i> for <i>filii</i>,
+and so on&mdash;&mdash;as it is a fault only in the declension, and the
+roots of the words continue untouch’d, the inflections of their branches
+either this way or that, does not in any sort hinder the baptism,
+inasmuch as the same sense continues in the words as
+before.&mdash;&mdash;But then, said <i>Didius</i>, the intention of the
+priest’s pronouncing them grammatically must have been proved to have
+gone along with it.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Right,
+answered <i>Kysarcius</i>; and of this, brother <i>Didius</i>, we have
+an instance in a decree of the decretals of Pope <i>Leo</i> the
+IIId.&mdash;&mdash;But my brother’s child, cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+has nothing to do
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page241" id = "page241">241</a></span>
+with the Pope&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’tis the plain child of a Protestant
+gentleman, christen’d <i>Tristram</i> against the wills and wishes both
+of his father and mother, and all who are a-kin to <span class =
+"locked">it.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>If the wills and wishes, said <i>Kysarcius</i>, interrupting my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, of those only who stand related to Mr. <i>Shandy’s</i>
+child, were to have weight in this matter, Mrs. <i>Shandy</i>, of all
+people, has the least to do in it.&mdash;&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i>
+lay’d down his pipe, and my father drew his chair still closer to the
+table, to hear the conclusion of so strange an introduction.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It has not only been a question, Captain <i>Shandy</i>,
+amongst the<a class = "tag" name = "tag_4_10" id = "tag_4_10" href =
+"#note_4_10">10</a> best lawyers and civilians in this land, continued
+<i>Kysarcius</i>, “<i>Whether the mother be of kin to her
+child</i>,”&mdash;but, after much dispassionate enquiry and jactitation
+of the arguments on all sides&mdash;it has been abjudged for the
+negative&mdash;namely, “<i>That the mother is not of kin to her
+child</i>.”<a class = "tag" name = "tag_4_11" id = "tag_4_11" href =
+"#note_4_11">11</a> My father instantly clapp’d his hand upon my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> mouth, under colour of whispering in his ear;&mdash;the
+truth was, he was alarmed for <i>Lillabullero</i>&mdash;and having a
+great desire to hear more of so curious an argument&mdash;he begg’d my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, for Heaven’s sake, not to disappoint him in
+it.&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i> gave a nod&mdash;resumed his pipe, and
+contenting himself with whistling <i>Lillabullero</i>
+inwardly&mdash;&mdash;<i>Kysarcius</i>, <i>Didius</i>, and
+<i>Triptolemus</i> went on with the discourse as follows.</p>
+
+<p>This determination, continued <i>Kysarcius</i>, how contrary soever
+it may seem to run to the stream of vulgar ideas, yet had reason
+strongly on its side; and has been put out of all manner of dispute from
+the famous case, known commonly by the name of the Duke of
+<i>Suffolk’s</i> case.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;It is cited in <i>Brook</i>,
+said <i>Triptolemus</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;And taken notice of by Lord
+<i>Coke</i>, added <i>Didius</i>.&mdash;And you may find it in
+<i>Swinburn</i> on Testaments, said <i>Kysarcius</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The case, Mr. <i>Shandy</i>, was this.</p>
+
+<p>In the reign of <i>Edward</i> the Sixth, <i>Charles</i> duke of
+<i>Suffolk</i> having issue a son by one venter, and a daughter by
+another venter, made his last will, wherein he devised goods to his son,
+and died; after whose death the son died also&mdash;&mdash;but without
+will, without wife, and without child&mdash;his mother and his sister by
+the father’s side (for she was born of the former venter) then living.
+The mother took the administration of her son’s goods, according to the
+statute of the 21st of <i>Harry</i> the Eighth, whereby it is enacted,
+That in case any person die intestate the administration of his goods
+shall be committed to the next of kin.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page242" id = "page242">242</a></span>
+<p>The administration being thus (surreptitiously) granted to the
+mother, the sister by the father’s side commenced a suit before the
+Ecclesiastical Judge, alledging, 1st, That she herself was next of kin;
+and 2dly, That the mother was not of kin at all to the party deceased;
+and therefore prayed the court, that the administration granted to the
+mother might be revoked, and be committed unto her, as next of kin to
+the deceased, by force of the said statute.</p>
+
+<p>Hereupon, as it was a great cause, and much depending upon its
+issue&mdash;and many causes of great property likely to be decided in
+times to come, by the precedent to be then made&mdash;&mdash;the most
+learned, as well in the laws of this realm, as in the civil law, were
+consulted together, whether the mother was of kin to her son, or
+no.&mdash;Whereunto not only the temporal lawyers&mdash;&mdash;but the
+church lawyers&mdash;the juris-consulti&mdash;the
+juris-prudentes&mdash;the civilians&mdash;the advocates&mdash;the
+commissaries&mdash;the judges of the consistory and prerogative courts
+of <i>Canterbury</i> and <i>York</i>, with the master of the faculties,
+were all unanimously of opinion, That the mother was not of<a class =
+"tag" name = "tag_4_12" id = "tag_4_12" href = "#note_4_12">12</a> kin
+to her <span class = "locked">child.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>And what said the duchess of <i>Suffolk</i> to it? said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The unexpectedness of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> question, confounded
+<i>Kysarcius</i> more than the ablest advocate&mdash;&mdash;He stopp’d a
+full minute, looking in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> face without
+replying&mdash;&mdash;and in that single minute <i>Triptolemus</i> put
+by him, and took the lead as follows.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis a ground and principle in the law, said <i>Triptolemus</i>, that
+things do not ascend, but descend in it; and I make no doubt ’tis for
+this cause, that however true it is, that the child may be of the blood
+and seed of its parents&mdash;&mdash;that the parents, nevertheless, are
+not of the blood and seed of it; inasmuch as the parents are not begot
+by the child, but the child by the parents&mdash;For so they write,
+<i>Liberi sunt de sanguine patris &amp; matris, sed pater &amp; mater
+non sunt de sanguine liberorum</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But this, <i>Triptolemus</i>, cried <i>Didius</i>,
+proves too much&mdash;for from this authority cited it would follow, not
+only what indeed is granted on all sides, that the mother is not of kin
+to her child&mdash;but the father likewise.&mdash;&mdash;It is held,
+said <i>Triptolemus</i>, the better opinion; because the father, the
+mother, and the child, though they be three persons, yet are they but
+(<i>una caro</i><a class = "tag" name = "tag_4_13" id = "tag_4_13" href
+= "#note_4_13">13</a>) one flesh; and consequently no degree of
+kindred&mdash;&mdash;or any
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page243" id = "page243">243</a></span>
+method of acquiring one <i>in nature</i>.&mdash;&mdash;There you push
+the argument again too far, cried <i>Didius</i>&mdash;&mdash;for there
+is no prohibition <i>in nature</i>, though there is in the Levitical
+law&mdash;&mdash;but that a man may beget a child upon his
+grandmother&mdash;&mdash;in which case, supposing the issue a daughter,
+she would stand in relation both of&mdash;&mdash;But who ever thought,
+cried <i>Kysarcius</i>, of lying with his
+grandmother?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;The young gentleman, replied
+<i>Yorick</i>, whom <i>Selden</i> speaks of&mdash;&mdash;who not only
+thought of it, but justified his intention to his father by the argument
+drawn from the law of retaliation.&mdash;“You lay, Sir, with my mother,”
+said the lad&mdash;“why may not I lie with yours?”&mdash;&mdash;’Tis the
+<i>Argumentum commune</i>, added <i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis as
+good, replied <i>Eugenius</i>, taking down his hat, as they deserve.</p>
+
+<p>The company broke up.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXXX" id = "bookIV_chapXXX">
+CHAPTER XXX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;<span class = "firstword">And</span> pray, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, leaning upon <i>Yorick</i>, as he and my father were
+helping him leisurely down the stairs&mdash;&mdash;don’t be terrified,
+madam, this stair-case conversation is not so long as the
+last&mdash;&mdash;And pray, <i>Yorick</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+which way is this said affair of <i>Tristram</i> at length settled by
+these learned men? Very satisfactorily, replied <i>Yorick</i>; no
+mortal, Sir, has any concern with it&mdash;&mdash;for Mrs. <ins class =
+"correction"
+title = "printed in Roman (non-italic) type"><i>Shandy</i></ins> the mother is nothing at all a-kin to
+him&mdash;&mdash;and as the mother’s is the surest side&mdash;&mdash;Mr.
+<i>Shandy</i>, in course, is still less than
+nothing&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;In short, he is not as much a-kin to him,
+Sir, as I <span class = "locked">am.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;That may well be, said my father, shaking his head.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Let the learned say what they will, there must
+certainly, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, have been some sort of
+consanguinity betwixt the duchess of <i>Suffolk</i> and her son.</p>
+
+<p>The vulgar are of the same opinion, quoth <i>Yorick</i>, to this
+hour.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXXXI" id = "bookIV_chapXXXI">
+CHAPTER XXXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Though</span> my father was hugely tickled
+with the subtleties of these learned
+discourses&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’twas still but like the anointing of a
+broken bone&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;The moment he got home, the weight of
+his afflictions returned upon him but so much the heavier, as is ever
+the case when the staff we lean on slips from under us.&mdash;He became
+pensive&mdash;walked frequently forth to the fish-pond&mdash;let down
+one loop of his hat&mdash;&mdash;sigh’d often&mdash;&mdash;forbore to
+snap&mdash;and, as the hasty sparks of temper, which occasion snapping,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page244" id = "page244">244</a></span>
+so much assist perspiration and digestion, as <i>Hippocrates</i> tells
+us&mdash;he had certainly fallen ill with the extinction of them, had
+not his thoughts been critically drawn off, and his health rescued by a
+fresh train of disquietudes left him, with a legacy of a thousand
+pounds, by my aunt <i>Dinah</i>.</p>
+
+<p>My father had scarce read the letter, when taking the thing by the
+right end, he instantly began to plague and puzzle his head how to lay
+it out mostly to the honour of his
+family.&mdash;A&nbsp;hundred-and-fifty odd projects took possession of
+his brains by turns&mdash;he would do this, and that, and
+t’other&mdash;He would go to <i>Rome</i>&mdash;&mdash;he would go to
+law&mdash;&mdash;he would buy stock&mdash;&mdash;he would buy <i>John
+Hobson’s</i> farm&mdash;he would new fore-front his house, and add a new
+wing to make it even&mdash;&mdash;There was a fine water-mill on this
+side, and he would build a wind-mill on the other side of the river in
+full view to answer it&mdash;But above all things in the world, he would
+inclose the great <i>Ox-moor</i>, and send out my brother <i>Bobby</i>
+immediately upon his travels.</p>
+
+<p>But as the sum was <i>finite</i>, and consequently could not do
+everything&mdash;&mdash;and in truth very few of these to any
+purpose&mdash;of all the projects which offered themselves upon this
+occasion, the two last seemed to make the deepest impression; and he
+would infallibly have determined upon both at once, but for the small
+inconvenience hinted at above, which absolutely put him under a
+necessity of deciding in favour either of the one or the other.</p>
+
+<p>This was not altogether so easy to be done; for though ’tis certain
+my father had long before set his heart upon this necessary part of my
+brother’s education, and like a prudent man had actually determined to
+carry it into execution, with the first money that returned from the
+second creation of actions in the <i>Missisippi</i>-scheme, in which he
+was an adventurer&mdash;&mdash;yet the <i>Ox-moor</i>, which was a fine,
+large, whinny, undrained, unimproved common, belonging to the
+<i>Shandy</i>-estate, had almost as old a claim upon him: he had long
+and affectionately set his heart upon turning it likewise to some
+account.</p>
+
+<p>But having never hitherto been pressed with such a conjuncture of
+things, as made it necessary to settle either the priority or justice of
+their claims&mdash;&mdash;like a wise man he had refrained entering into
+any nice or critical examination about them: so that upon the dismission
+of every other project at this crisis&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;the two old
+projects, the <span class = "smallcaps">Ox-moor</span> and my <span
+class = "smallcaps">Brother</span>, divided him again; and so equal a
+match were they for each other, as to become the occasion of no small
+contest in the old gentleman’s mind&mdash;which of the two should be set
+o’going first.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page245" id = "page245">245</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;People may laugh as they will&mdash;but the case was
+this.</p>
+
+<p>It had ever been the custom of the family, and by length of time was
+almost become a matter of common right, that the eldest son of it should
+have free ingress, egress, and regress into foreign parts before
+marriage&mdash;not only for the sake of bettering his own private parts,
+by the benefit of exercise and change of so much air&mdash;but simply
+for the mere delectation of his fancy, by the feather put into his cap,
+of having been abroad&mdash;<i>tantum valet</i>, my father would say,
+<i>quantum sonat</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Now as this was a reasonable, and in course a most christian
+indulgence&mdash;&mdash;to deprive him of it, without why or
+wherefore&mdash;&mdash;and thereby make an example of him, as the first
+<i>Shandy</i> unwhirl’d about <i>Europe</i> in a post-chaise, and only
+because he was a heavy lad&mdash;&mdash;would be using him ten times
+worse than a Turk.</p>
+
+<p>On the other hand, the case of the <i>Ox-moor</i> was full as
+hard.</p>
+
+<p>Exclusive of the original purchase-money, which was eight hundred
+pounds&mdash;&mdash;it had cost the family eight hundred pounds more in
+a law-suit about fifteen years before&mdash;besides the Lord knows what
+trouble and vexation.</p>
+
+<p>It had been moreover in possession of the <i>Shandy</i>-family ever
+since the middle of the last century; and though it lay full in view
+before the house, bounded on one extremity by the water-mill, and on the
+other by the projected wind-mill, spoken of above&mdash;and for all
+these reasons seemed to have the fairest title of any part of the estate
+to the care and protection of the family&mdash;yet by an unaccountable
+fatality, common to men, as well as the ground they tread
+on&mdash;&mdash;it had all along most shamefully been overlook’d; and to
+speak the truth of it, had suffered so much by it, that it would have
+made any man’s heart have bled (<i>Obadiah</i> said) who understood the
+value of the land, to have rode over it, and only seen the condition it
+was&nbsp;in.</p>
+
+<p>However, as neither the purchasing this tract of
+ground&mdash;&mdash;nor indeed the placing of it where it lay, were
+either of them, properly speaking, of my father’s doing&mdash;&mdash;he
+had never thought himself any way concerned in the
+affair&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;till the fifteen years before, when the
+breaking out of that cursed law-suit mentioned above (and which had
+arose about its boundaries)&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;which being altogether
+my father’s own act and deed, it naturally awakened every other argument
+in its favour, and upon summing them all up together, he saw, not merely
+in interest, but in honour, he was bound to do something for
+it&mdash;&mdash;and that now or never was the time.</p>
+
+<p>I think there must certainly have been a mixture of ill-luck
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page246" id = "page246">246</a></span>
+in it, that the reasons on both sides should happen to be so equally
+balanced by each other; for though my father weigh’d them in all humours
+and conditions&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;spent many an anxious hour in the
+most profound and abstracted meditation upon what was best to be
+done&mdash;reading books of farming one day&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;books of
+travels another&mdash;&mdash;laying aside all passion
+whatever&mdash;viewing the arguments on both sides in all their lights
+and circumstances&mdash;communing every day with my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;arguing with <i>Yorick</i>, and talking over the whole
+affair of the <i>Ox-moor</i> with <i>Obadiah</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;yet
+nothing in all that time appeared so strongly in behalf of the one,
+which was not either strictly applicable to the other, or at least so
+far counterbalanced by some consideration of equal weight, as to keep
+the scales even.</p>
+
+<p>For to be sure, with proper helps, and in the hands of some people,
+tho’ the <i>Ox-moor</i> would undoubtedly have made a different
+appearance in the world from what it did, or ever could do in the
+condition it lay&mdash;&mdash;yet every tittle of this was true, with
+regard to my brother <i>Bobby</i>&mdash;&mdash;let <i>Obadiah</i> say
+what he <span class = "locked">would.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>In point of interest&mdash;&mdash;the contest, I own, at first sight,
+did not appear so undecisive betwixt them; for whenever my father took
+pen and ink in hand, and set about calculating the simple expence of
+paring and burning, and fencing in the <i>Ox-moor</i> &amp;c.
+&amp;c.&mdash;with the certain profit it would bring him in
+return&mdash;&mdash;the latter turned out so prodigiously in his way of
+working the account, that you would have sworn the <i>Ox-moor</i> would
+have carried all before it. For it was plain he should reap a hundred
+lasts of rape, at twenty pounds a last, the very first
+year&mdash;&mdash;besides an excellent crop of wheat the year
+following&mdash;&mdash;and the year after that, to speak within bounds,
+a&nbsp;hundred&mdash;&mdash;but in all likelihood, a&nbsp;hundred and
+fifty&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;if not two hundred quarters of pease and
+beans&mdash;&mdash;besides potatoes without end.&mdash;&mdash;But then,
+to think he was all this while breeding up my brother, like a hog to eat
+them&mdash;&mdash;knocked all on the head again, and generally left the
+old gentleman in such a state of suspence&mdash;&mdash;that, as he often
+declared to my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;he knew no more than his
+heels what to&nbsp;do.</p>
+
+<p>No body, but he who has felt it, can conceive what a plaguing thing
+it is to have a man’s mind torn asunder by two projects of equal
+strength, both obstinately pulling in a contrary direction at the same
+time: for to say nothing of the havock, which by a certain consequence
+is unavoidably made by it all over the finer system of the nerves, which
+you know convey the animal
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page247" id = "page247">247</a></span>
+spirits and more subtle juices from the heart to the head, and so
+on&mdash;&mdash;it is not to be told in what a degree such a wayward
+kind of friction works upon the more gross and solid parts, wasting the
+fat and impairing the strength of a man every time as it goes backwards
+and forwards.</p>
+
+<p>My father had certainly sunk under this evil, as certainly as he had
+done under that of my <span class = "smallroman">CHRISTIAN
+NAME</span>&mdash;&mdash;had he not been rescued out of it, as he was
+out of that, by a fresh evil&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;the misfortune of my
+brother <i>Bobby’s</i> death.</p>
+
+<p>What is the life of man! Is it not to shift from side to
+side?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;from sorrow to sorrow?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;to
+button up one cause of vexation&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and unbutton
+another?</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIV_chapXXXII" id = "bookIV_chapXXXII">
+CHAPTER XXXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">From</span> this moment I am to be
+considered as heir-apparent to the <i>Shandy</i> family&mdash;&mdash;and
+it is from this point properly, that the story of my <span class =
+"smallcaps">Life</span> and my <span class = "smallcaps">Opinions</span>
+sets out. With all my hurry and precipitation, I&nbsp;have but been
+clearing the ground to raise the building&mdash;&mdash;and such a
+building do I foresee it will turn out, as never was planned, and as
+never was executed since <i>Adam</i>. In less than five minutes I shall
+have thrown my pen into the fire, and the little drop of thick ink which
+is left remaining at the bottom of my ink-horn, after
+it&mdash;I&nbsp;have but half a score things to do in the
+time&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have a thing to name&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;thing
+to lament&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;thing to hope&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;thing to
+promise, and a thing to threaten&mdash;I&nbsp;have a thing to
+suppose&mdash;a&nbsp;thing to declare&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;thing to
+conceal&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;thing to choose, and a thing to pray
+for&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;This chapter, therefore, I&nbsp;<i>name</i> the
+chapter of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Things</span>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;and my next chapter to it,
+that is, the first chapter of my next volume, if I live, shall be my
+chapter upon <span class = "smallroman">WHISKERS</span>, in order to
+keep up some sort of connection in my works.</p>
+
+<p>The thing I lament is, that things have crowded in so thick upon me,
+that I have not been able to get into that part of my work, towards
+which I have all the way looked forwards, with so much earnest desire;
+and that is the Campaigns, but especially the amours of my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, the events of which are of so singular a nature, and so
+Cervantick a cast, that if I can so manage it, as to convey but the same
+impressions to every other brain, which the occurrences themselves
+excite in my own&mdash;I&nbsp;will answer for it the book shall make its
+way in the world, much better than its master has done before
+it.&mdash;&mdash;Oh <i>Tristram! Tristram!</i> can this but be once
+brought about&mdash;&mdash;the credit,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page248" id = "page248">248</a></span>
+which will attend thee as an author, shall counterbalance the many evils
+which have befallen thee as a man&mdash;&mdash;thou wilt feast upon the
+one&mdash;&mdash;when thou hast lost all sense and remembrance of the
+<span class = "locked">other!&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>No wonder I itch so much as I do, to get at these amours&mdash;They
+are the choicest morsel of my whole story! and when I do get at
+’em&mdash;&mdash;assure yourselves, good folks&mdash;(nor do I value
+whose squeamish stomach takes offence at&nbsp;it) I&nbsp;shall not be at
+all nice in the choice of my words!&mdash;&mdash;and that’s the thing I
+have to <i>declare</i>.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;shall never get all
+through in five minutes, that I fear&mdash;&mdash;and the thing I
+<i>hope</i> is, that your worships and reverences are not
+offended&mdash;if you are, depend upon’t I’ll give you something, my
+good gentry, next year to be offended at&mdash;&mdash;that’s my dear
+<i>Jenny’s</i> way&mdash;but who my <i>Jenny</i> is&mdash;and which is
+the right and which the wrong end of a woman, is the thing to be
+<i>concealed</i>&mdash;it shall be told you in the next chapter but one
+to my chapter of Button-holes&mdash;&mdash;and not one chapter
+before.</p>
+
+<p>And now that you have just got to the end of these<a class = "tag"
+name = "tag_4_14" id = "tag_4_14" href = "#note_4_14">14</a> four
+volumes&mdash;&mdash;the thing I have to <i>ask</i> is, how you feel
+your heads? my own akes dismally!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;as for your
+healths, I&nbsp;know, they are much better.&mdash;True <i>Shandeism</i>,
+think what you will against it, opens the heart and lungs, and like all
+those affections which partake of its nature, it forces the blood and
+other vital fluids of the body to run freely through its channels, makes
+the wheel of life run long and chearfully round.</p>
+
+<p>Was I left, like <i>Sancho Panca</i>, to choose my kingdom, it should
+not be maritime&mdash;or a kingdom of blacks to make a penny
+of;&mdash;no, it should be a kingdom of hearty laughing subjects: And as
+the bilious and more saturnine passions, by creating disorders in the
+blood and humours, have as bad an influence, I&nbsp;see, upon the body
+politick as body natural&mdash;&mdash;and as nothing but a habit of
+virtue can fully govern those passions, and subject them to
+reason&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;should add to my prayer&mdash;that God
+would give my subjects grace to be as <span class =
+"smallroman">WISE</span> as they were <span class =
+"smallroman">MERRY</span>; and then should I be the happiest monarch,
+and they the happiest people under heaven.</p>
+
+<p>And so, with this moral for the present, may it please your worships
+and your reverences, I&nbsp;take my leave of you till this time
+twelve-month, when, (unless this vile cough kills me in the meantime)
+I’ll have another pluck at your beards, and lay open a story to the
+world you little dream&nbsp;of.</p>
+
+<div class = "footnote">
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_1" id = "note_4_1" href = "#tag_4_1">1.</a>
+As <i>Hafen Slawkenbergius de Nasis</i> is extremely scarce, it may not
+be unacceptable to the learned reader to see the specimen of a few pages
+of his original; I&nbsp;will make no reflection upon it, but that his
+story-telling Latin is much more concise than his philosophic&mdash;and,
+I&nbsp;think, has more of Latinity in&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_2" id = "note_4_2" href = "#tag_4_2">2.</a>
+<i>Hafen Slawkenbergius</i> means the Benedictine nuns of <i>Cluny</i>,
+founded in the year 940, by <i>Odo</i>, abbĂŠ de <i>Cluny</i>.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_3" id = "note_4_3" href = "#tag_4_3">3.</a>
+Mr. <i>Shandy’s</i> compliments to orators&mdash;&mdash;is very sensible
+that <i>Slawkenbergius</i> has here changed his
+metaphor&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;which he is very guilty
+of:&mdash;&mdash;that as a translator, Mr. <i>Shandy</i> has all along
+done what he could to make him stick to it&mdash;but that here ’twas
+impossible.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_4" id = "note_4_4" href = "#tag_4_4">4.</a>
+Nonnulli ex nostratibus eadem loquendi formulâ utun. Quinimo &amp;
+LogistĂŚ &amp; CanonistĂŚ&mdash;&mdash;Vid. Parce Barne Jas in d.&nbsp;L.
+Provincial. Constitut. de conjec. vid. Vol. Lib. 4. Titul. 1. n. 7. quâ
+etiam in re conspir. Om de Promontorio Nas. Tichmak. ff. d. tit. 3. fol.
+189. passim. Vid. Glos. de contrahend. empt, &amp;c. necnon J. Scrudr,
+in cap. § refut. per totum. Cum his cons. Rever. J. Tubal, Sentent.
+&amp; Prov. cap. 9. ff. 11, 12. obiter. V. &amp; Librum, cui Tit. de
+Terris &amp; Phras. Belg. ad finem, cum comment, N. Bardy Belg. Vid.
+Scrip. Argentotarens. de Antiq. Ecc. in Episc. Archiv. fid coll. per Von
+Jacobum Koinshoven Folio Argent. 1583. prĂŚcip. ad finem. Quibus add.
+Rebuff in L. obvenire de Signif. Nom. ff. fol. &amp; de jure Gent. &amp;
+Civil. de protib. aliena feud. per federa, test. Joha. Luxius in
+prolegom, quem velim videas, de Analy. Cap. 1, 2, 3. Vid. Idea.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_5" id = "note_4_5" href = "#tag_4_5">5.</a>
+HĂŚc mira, satisque horrenda. Planetarum coitio sub Scorpio Asterismo in
+nona cœli statione, quam Arabes religioni deputabant efficit <i>Martinum
+Lutherum</i> sacrilegum hereticum, ChristianĂŚ religionis hostem
+acerrimum atque prophanum, ex horoscopi directione ad Martis coitum,
+religiosissimus obiit, ejus Anima scelestissima ad infernos
+navigavit&mdash;ab Alecto, Tisiphone &amp; Megara flagellis igneis
+cruciata perenniter.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Lucas Gaurieus in Tractatu astrologico de prĂŚteritis
+multorum hominum accidentibus per genituras examinatis.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_6" id = "note_4_6" href = "#tag_4_6">6.</a>
+<i>Ce Fœtus</i> n’étoit pas plus grand que la paume de la main; mais son
+pere l’ayant éxaminé en qualité de Médecin, &amp; ayant trouvé que
+c’etoit quâlque chose de plus qu’un Embryon, le fit transporter tout
+vivant à Rapallo, ou il le fit voir à Jerôme Bardi &amp; à d’autres
+Médecins du lieu. On trouva qu’il ne lui manquoit rien d’essentiel à la
+vie; &amp; son pere pour faire voir un essai de son experience,
+entreprit d’achever l’ouvrage de la Nature, &amp; de travailler à la
+formation de l’Enfant avec le même artifice que celui dont on se sert
+pour faire ĂŠcclorre les Poulets en Egypte. Il instruisit une Nourisse de
+tout ce qu’elle avoit à faire, &amp; ayant fait mettre son fils dans un
+pour proprement accommodé, il reussit à l’élever &amp; à lui faire
+prendre ses accroissemens necessaires, par l’uniformité d’une chaleur
+étrangere mesurée éxactement sur les dégrés d’un Thermométre, ou d’un
+autre instrument ĂŠquivalent. (Vide Mich. Giustinian, ne gli Scritt.
+Liguri Ă  Cart. 223. 488.)</p>
+
+<p>On auroit toujours été très satisfait de l’industrie d’un pere si
+experimenté dans l’Art de la Generation, quand il n’auroit pû prolonger
+la vie à son fils que pour quelques mois, ou pour peu d’années.</p>
+
+<p>Mais quand on se represente que l’Enfant a vecu près de quatre-vingts
+ans, &amp; qu’il a composé quatre-vingts Ouvrages differents tous fruits
+d’une longue lecture&mdash;il faut convenir que tout ce qui est
+incroyable n’est pas toujours faux, &amp; que la <i>Vraisemblance n’est
+pas toujours du cĂ´tĂŠ de la VeritĂŠ</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Il n’avoit que dix neuf ans lorsqu’il composa Gonopsychanthropologia
+de Origine AnimĂŚ humanĂŚ.</p>
+
+<p>(Les Enfans celebres, revĂťs &amp; corrigĂŠs par M. de la Monnoye de
+l’Academie Françoise.)</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_7" id = "note_4_7" href = "#tag_4_7">7.</a>
+According to the original Editions.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_8" id = "note_4_8" href = "#tag_4_8">8.</a>
+According to the original Editions.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_9" id = "note_4_9" href = "#tag_4_9">9.</a>
+Vide Menagiana, Vol. I.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_10" id = "note_4_10" href = "#tag_4_10">10.</a>
+Vide Swinburn on Testaments, Part 7, §8.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_11" id = "note_4_11" href = "#tag_4_11">11.</a>
+Vide Brook, Abridg. Tit. Administr. N. 47.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_12" id = "note_4_12" href = "#tag_4_12">12.</a>
+Mater non numeratur inter consanguineos, Bald. in ult. C. de Verb.
+signific.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_13" id = "note_4_13" href = "#tag_4_13">13.</a>
+Vide Brook, Abridg. tit. Administr. N. 47.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_4_14" id = "note_4_14" href = "#tag_4_14">14.</a>
+According to the original Editions.</p>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<div class = "page">
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page249" id = "page249">249</a></span>
+
+<h2><a name = "bookV_title" id = "bookV_title">
+<span class = "small">THE LIFE AND OPINIONS</span></a><br />
+<span class = "tiny">OF</span><br />
+<span class = "extended">TRISTRAM SHANDY</span><br />
+<span class = "smaller">GENTLEMAN</span></h2>
+
+<div class = "heading">
+
+<div class = "verse small">
+<p>Dixero si quid fortè jocosius, hoc mihi juris</p>
+<p>Cum venia dabis.&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p class = "right smallcaps">Hor.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class = "deephang small">
+&mdash;Si quis calumnietur levius esse quam decet theologum, aut
+mordacius quam deceat Christianum&mdash;non Ego, sed Democritus
+dixit.&mdash;</p>
+<p class = "right small smallcaps">Erasmus.</p>
+
+<p class = "deephang small">
+Si quis Clericus, aut Monachus, verba joculatoria, risum moventia,
+sciebat, anathema esto.&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class = "right small smallcaps">Second Council of Carthage.</p>
+
+</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page250" id = "page250">250</a></span>
+<h3><a name = "bookV_dedic" id = "bookV_dedic">
+<span class = "small">TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE</span></a><br />
+<span class = "extended">JOHN,</span><br />
+<span class = "small extended">LORD VISCOUNT SPENCER</span></h3>
+
+
+<p class = "inset smallcaps">My Lord,</p>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I humbly</span> beg leave to offer you
+these two Volumes;<a class = "tag" name = "tag_D_1" id = "tag_D_1" href
+= "#note_D_1">1</a> they are the best my talents, with such bad health
+as I have, could produce:&mdash;had Providence granted me a larger stock
+of either, they had been a much more proper present to your
+Lordship.</p>
+
+<p>I beg your Lordship will forgive me, if, at the same time I dedicate
+this work to you, I&nbsp;join Lady <span class =
+"smallcaps">Spencer</span>, in the liberty I take of inscribing the
+story of <i>Le Fever</i> to her name; for which I have no other motive,
+which my heart has informed me of, but that the story is a humane
+one.</p>
+
+<p class = "center">
+I am,</p>
+
+<div class = "right">
+<p class = "center">
+<span class = "smallcaps">My Lord,</span><br />
+Your Lordship’s most devoted<br />
+and most humble Servant,</p>
+<p class = "right">
+LAUR. STERNE.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class = "footnote">
+<a name = "note_D_1" id = "note_D_1" href = "#tag_D_1">1.</a>
+Volumes V. and VI. in the first Edition.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page251" id = "page251">251</a></span>
+<h3><a name = "bookV" id = "bookV">BOOK V</a></h3>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapI" id = "bookV_chapI">
+CHAPTER I</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">If</span> it had not been for those two
+mettlesome tits, and that madcap of a postillion who drove them from
+Stilton to Stamford, the thought had never entered my head. He flew like
+lightning&mdash;&mdash;there was a slope of three miles and a
+half&mdash;&mdash;we scarce touched the ground&mdash;&mdash;the motion
+was most rapid&mdash;&mdash;most impetuous&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’twas
+communicated to my brain&mdash;my heart partook of it&mdash;&mdash;“By
+the great God of day,” said I, looking towards the sun, and thrusting my
+arm out of the fore-window of the chaise, as I made my vow, “I&nbsp;will
+lock up my study-door the moment I get home, and throw the key of it
+ninety feet below the surface of the earth, into the draw-well at the
+back of my house.”</p>
+
+<p>The London waggon confirmed me in my resolution; it hung tottering
+upon the hill, scarce progressive, drag’d&mdash;drag’d up by eight
+<i>heavy beasts</i>&mdash;“by main strength!&mdash;&mdash;quoth I,
+nodding&mdash;&mdash;but your betters draw the same way&mdash;&mdash;and
+something of everybody’s!&mdash;&mdash;O rare!”</p>
+
+<p>Tell me, ye learned, shall we for ever be adding so much to the
+<i>bulk</i>&mdash;so little to the <i>stock?</i></p>
+
+<p>Shall we for ever make new books, as apothecaries make new mixtures,
+by pouring only out of one vessel into another?</p>
+
+<p>Are we for ever to be twisting, and untwisting the same rope? for
+ever in the same track&mdash;for ever at the same pace?</p>
+
+<p>Shall we be destined to the days of eternity, on holy-days, as well
+as working-days, to be shewing the <i>relicks of learning</i>, as monks
+do the relicks of their saints&mdash;without working one&mdash;one
+single miracle with them?</p>
+
+<p>Who made Man, with powers which dart him from earth to heaven in a
+moment&mdash;that great, that most excellent, and most noble creature of
+the world&mdash;the <i>miracle</i> of nature, as Zoroaster in his book
+<span class = "greek"
+title = "peri phuseôs [missing accent as printed]">περι φύσεως</span> called him&mdash;the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Shekinah</span> of the divine presence, as
+Chrysostom&mdash;&mdash;the <i>image</i> of God, as
+Moses&mdash;&mdash;the <i>ray</i> of divinity, as Plato&mdash;the
+<i>marvel</i> of <i>marvels</i>, as Aristotle&mdash;to go sneaking on at
+this pitiful&mdash;pimping&mdash;pettifogging rate?</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page252" id = "page252">252</a></span>
+<p>I scorn to be as abusive as Horace upon the
+occasion&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;but if there is no catachresis in the wish,
+and no sin in it, I&nbsp;wish from my soul, that every imitator in
+<i>Great Britain</i>, <i>France</i>, and <i>Ireland</i>, had the farcy
+for his pains; and that there was a good farcical house, large enough to
+hold&mdash;aye&mdash;and sublimate them, <i>shag rag and bob-tail</i>,
+male and female, all together: and this leads me to the affair of
+<i>Whiskers</i>&mdash;&mdash;but, by what chain of
+ideas&mdash;I&nbsp;leave as a legacy in <i>mort-main</i> to Prudes and
+Tartufs, to enjoy and make the most&nbsp;of.</p>
+
+
+<h5 class = "smallroman">
+<a name = "bookV_whiskers" id = "bookV_whiskers">UPON WHISKERS</a></h5>
+
+<p>I’m sorry I made it&mdash;&mdash;’twas as inconsiderate a promise as
+ever entered a man’s head&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;chapter upon whiskers!
+alas! the world will not bear it&mdash;’tis a delicate
+world&mdash;&mdash;but I knew not of what mettle it was made&mdash;nor
+had I ever seen the underwritten fragment; otherwise, as surely as noses
+are noses, and whiskers are whiskers still (let the world say what it
+will to the contrary); so surely would I have steered clear of this
+dangerous chapter.</p>
+
+
+<h5 class = "smallroman">THE FRAGMENT</h5>
+
+<p><span class = "space25">* * * * * * * * * * * *<br />
+* * * * * * * * * * * *</span><br />
+&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;You are half asleep, my good lady, said the old
+gentleman, taking hold of the old lady’s hand, and giving it a gentle
+squeeze, as he pronounced the word <i>Whiskers</i>&mdash;&mdash;shall we
+change the subject? By no means, replied the old lady&mdash;I&nbsp;like
+your account of those matters; so throwing a thin gauze handkerchief
+over her head, and leaning it back upon the chair with her face turned
+towards him, and advancing her two feet as she reclined
+herself&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;desire, continued she, you will
+go&nbsp;on.</p>
+
+<p>The old gentleman went on as follows:&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Whiskers!
+cried the queen of <i>Navarre</i>, dropping her knotting ball, as <i>La
+Fosseuse</i> uttered the word&mdash;&mdash;Whiskers, madam, said <i>La
+Fosseuse</i>, pinning the ball to the queen’s apron, and making a
+courtesy as she repeated&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p><i>La Fosseuse’s</i> voice was naturally soft and low, yet ’twas an
+articulate voice: and every letter of the word <i>Whiskers</i> fell
+distinctly upon the queen of <i>Navarre’s</i> ear&mdash;Whiskers! cried
+the queen, laying a greater stress upon the word, and as if she had
+still distrusted her ears&mdash;&mdash;Whiskers! replied <i>La
+Fosseuse</i>, repeating the word a third time&mdash;&mdash;There is not
+a cavalier,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page253" id = "page253">253</a></span>
+madam, of his age in <i>Navarre</i>, continued the maid of honour,
+pressing the page’s interest upon the queen, that has so gallant a
+pair&mdash;&mdash;Of what? cried <i>Margaret</i>, smiling&mdash;Of
+whiskers, said <i>La Fosseuse</i>, with infinite modesty.</p>
+
+<p>The word <i>Whiskers</i> still stood its ground, and continued to be
+made use of in most of the best companies throughout the little kingdom
+of <i>Navarre</i>, notwithstanding the indiscreet use which <i>La
+Fosseuse</i> had made of it: the truth was, <i>La Fosseuse</i> had
+pronounced the word, not only before the queen, but upon sundry other
+occasions at court, with an accent which always implied something of a
+mystery&mdash;And as the court of <i>Margaret</i>, as all the world
+knows, was at that time a mixture of gallantry and
+devotion&mdash;&mdash;and whiskers being as applicable to the one, as
+the other, the word naturally stood its ground&mdash;&mdash;it gain’d
+full as much as it lost; that is, the clergy were for
+it&mdash;&mdash;the laity were against it&mdash;&mdash;and for the
+women,&mdash;&mdash;<i>they</i> were divided.</p>
+
+<p>The excellency of the figure and mien of the young Sieur <i>De
+Croix</i>, was at that time beginning to draw the attention of the maids
+of honour towards the terrace before the palace gate, where the guard
+was mounted. The lady <i>De Baussiere</i> fell deeply in love with
+him,&mdash;&mdash;<i>La Battarelle</i> did the same&mdash;it was the
+finest weather for it, that ever was remembered in
+<i>Navarre</i>&mdash;&mdash;<i>La Guyol</i>, <i>La Maronette</i>, <i>La
+Sabatiere</i>, fell in love with the Sieur <i>De Croix</i>
+also&mdash;&mdash;<i>La Rebours</i> and <i>La Fosseuse</i> knew
+better&mdash;&mdash;<i>De Croix</i> had failed in an attempt to
+recommend himself to <i>La Rebours</i>; and <i>La Rebours</i> and <i>La
+Fosseuse</i> were inseparable.</p>
+
+<p>The queen of <i>Navarre</i> was sitting with her ladies in the
+painted bow-window, facing the gate of the second court, as <i>De
+Croix</i> passed through it&mdash;He is handsome, said the Lady
+<i>Baussiere</i>.&mdash;&mdash;He has a good mien, said <i>La
+Battarelle</i>&mdash;&mdash;He is finely shaped, said <i>La
+Guyol</i>&mdash;I&nbsp;never saw an officer of the horse-guards in my
+life, said <i>La Maronette</i>, with two such legs&mdash;&mdash;Or who
+stood so well upon them, said <i>La
+Sabatiere</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;But he has no whiskers, cried <i>La
+Fosseuse</i>&mdash;&mdash;Not a pile, said <i>La Rebours</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The queen went directly to her oratory, musing all the way, as she
+walked through the gallery, upon the subject; turning it this way and
+that way in her fancy&mdash;<i>Ave Maria!</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;what
+can <i>La Fosseuse</i> mean? said she, kneeling down upon the
+cushion.</p>
+
+<p><i>La Guyol</i>, <i>La Battarelle</i>, <i>La Maronette</i>, <i>La
+Sabatiere</i>, retired instantly to their
+chambers&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Whiskers! said all four of them to
+themselves, as they bolted their doors on the inside.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page254" id = "page254">254</a></span>
+<p>The Lady <i>Carnavallette</i> was counting her beads with both hands,
+unsuspected, under her farthingal&mdash;&mdash;from St. <i>Antony</i>
+down to St. <i>Ursula</i> inclusive, not a saint passed through her
+fingers without whiskers; St. <i>Francis</i>, St. <i>Dominick</i>, St.
+<i>Bennet</i>, St. <i>Basil</i>, St. <i>Bridget</i>, had all
+whiskers.</p>
+
+<p>The Lady <i>Baussiere</i> had got into a wilderness of conceits, with
+moralizing too intricately upon <i>La Fosseuse’s</i>
+text&mdash;&mdash;She mounted her palfrey, her page followed
+her&mdash;&mdash;the host passed by&mdash;the Lady <i>Baussiere</i>
+rode&nbsp;on.</p>
+
+<p>One denier, cried the order of mercy&mdash;one single denier, in
+behalf of a thousand patient captives, whose eyes look towards heaven
+and you for their redemption.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The Lady <i>Baussiere</i> rode on.</p>
+
+<p>Pity the unhappy, said a devout, venerable, hoary-headed man, meekly
+holding up a box, begirt with iron, in his withered
+hands&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;beg for the unfortunate&mdash;good my Lady,
+’tis for a prison&mdash;for an hospital&mdash;’tis for an old
+man&mdash;a&nbsp;poor man undone by shipwreck, by suretyship, by
+fire&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;call God and all his angels to
+witness&mdash;&mdash;’tis to clothe the naked&mdash;&mdash;to feed the
+hungry&mdash;&mdash;’tis to comfort the sick and the broken-hearted.</p>
+
+<p>The Lady <i>Baussiere</i> rode on.</p>
+
+<p>A decayed kinsman bowed himself to the ground.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The Lady <i>Baussiere</i> rode on.</p>
+
+<p>He ran begging bare-headed on one side of her palfrey, conjuring her
+by the former bonds of friendship, alliance, consanguinity,
+etc.&mdash;&mdash;Cousin, aunt, sister, mother,&mdash;&mdash;for
+virtue’s sake, for your own, for mine, for Christ’s sake, remember
+me&mdash;&mdash;pity&nbsp;me.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The Lady <i>Baussiere</i> rode on.</p>
+
+<p>Take hold of my whiskers, said the Lady
+<i>Baussiere</i>&mdash;&mdash;The page took hold of her palfrey. She
+dismounted at the end of the terrace.</p>
+
+<p>There are some trains of certain ideas which leave prints of
+themselves about our eyes and eye-brows; and there is a consciousness of
+it, somewhere about the heart, which serves but to make these etchings
+the stronger&mdash;we see, spell, and put them together without a
+dictionary.</p>
+
+<p>Ha, ha! he, hee! cried <i>La Guyol</i> and <i>La Sabatiere</i>,
+looking close at each other’s prints&mdash;&mdash;Ho, ho! cried <i>La
+Battarelle</i> and <i>Maronette</i>, doing the same:&mdash;Whist! cried
+one&mdash;st, st,&mdash;said a second&mdash;hush, quoth a
+third&mdash;poo, poo, replied a fourth&mdash;gramercy! cried the Lady
+<i>Carnavallette</i>;&mdash;&mdash;’twas she who bewhisker’d St.
+<i>Bridget</i>.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page255" id = "page255">255</a></span>
+<p><i>La Fosseuse</i> drew her bodkin from the knot of her hair, and
+having traced the outline of a small whisker, with the blunt end of it,
+upon one side of her upper lip, put it into <i>La Rebours’</i>
+hand&mdash;<i>La Rebours</i> shook her head.</p>
+
+<p>The Lady <i>Baussiere</i> coughed thrice into the inside of her
+muff&mdash;<i>La Guyol</i> smiled&mdash;Fy, said the Lady
+<i>Baussiere</i>. The queen of <i>Navarre</i> touched her eye with the
+tip of her fore-finger&mdash;as much as to say, I&nbsp;understand you
+all.</p>
+
+<p>’Twas plain to the whole court the word was ruined: <i>La
+Fosseuse</i> had given it a wound, and it was not the better for passing
+through all these defiles&mdash;&mdash;It made a faint stand, however,
+for a few months, by the expiration of which, the Sieur <i>De Croix</i>,
+finding it high time to leave <i>Navarre</i> for want of
+whiskers&mdash;&mdash;the word in course became indecent, and (after a
+few efforts) absolutely unfit for use.</p>
+
+<p>The best word, in the best language of the best world, must have
+suffered under such combinations.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;The curate of
+<i>d’Estella</i> wrote a book against them, setting forth the dangers of
+accessory ideas, and warning the <i>Navarois</i> against them.</p>
+
+<p>Does not all the world know, said the curate <i>d’Estella</i> at the
+conclusion of his work, that Noses ran the same fate some centuries ago
+in most parts of <i>Europe</i>, which Whiskers have now done in the
+kingdom of <i>Navarre?</i>&mdash;The evil indeed spread no farther
+then&mdash;but have not beds and bolsters, and nightcaps and
+chamber-pots stood upon the brink of destruction ever since? Are not
+trouse, and placket-holes, and pump-handles&mdash;and spigots and
+faucets, in danger still from the same
+association?&mdash;&mdash;Chastity, by nature, the gentlest of all
+affections&mdash;give it but its head&mdash;&mdash;’tis like a ramping
+and a roaring lion.</p>
+
+<p>The drift of the curate <i>d’Estella’s</i> argument was not
+understood.&mdash;They ran the scent the wrong way.&mdash;The world
+bridled his ass at the tail.&mdash;And when the <i>extremes</i> of <span
+class = "smallroman">DELICACY</span>, and the <i>beginnings</i> of <span
+class = "smallroman">CONCUPISCENCE</span>, hold their next provincial
+chapter together, they may decree that bawdy also.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapII" id = "bookV_chapII">
+CHAPTER II</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> my father received the letter
+which brought him the melancholy account of my brother <i>Bobby’s</i>
+death, he was busy calculating the expence of his riding post from
+<i>Calais</i> to <i>Paris</i>, and so on to <i>Lyons</i>.</p>
+
+<p>’Twas a most inauspicious journey; my father having had
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page256" id = "page256">256</a></span>
+every foot of it to travel over again, and his calculation to begin
+afresh, when he had almost got to the end of it, by <i>Obadiah’s</i>
+opening the door to acquaint him the family was out of yeast&mdash;and
+to ask whether he might not take the great coach-horse early in the
+morning and ride in search of some.&mdash;With all my heart,
+<i>Obadiah</i>, said my father (pursuing his journey)&mdash;take the
+coach-horse, and welcome.&mdash;&mdash;But he wants a shoe, poor
+creature! said <i>Obadiah</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Poor creature! said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, vibrating the note back again, like a string in unison.
+Then ride the <i>Scotch</i> horse, quoth my father hastily.&mdash;He
+cannot bear a saddle upon his back, quoth <i>Obadiah</i>, for the whole
+world.&mdash;&mdash;The devil’s in that horse; then take <span class =
+"smallcaps">Patriot</span>, cried my father, and shut the
+door.&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "smallcaps">Patriot</span> is sold,
+said <i>Obadiah</i>. Here’s for you! cried my father, making a pause,
+and looking in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> face, as if the thing had not been
+a matter of fact.&mdash;Your worship ordered me to sell him last
+<i>April</i>, said <i>Obadiah</i>.&mdash;Then go on foot for your pains,
+cried my father&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;had much rather walk than ride, said
+<i>Obadiah</i>, shutting the door.</p>
+
+<p>What plagues, cried my father, going on with his
+calculation.&mdash;&mdash;But the waters are out, said
+<i>Obadiah</i>,&mdash;opening the door again.</p>
+
+<p>Till that moment, my father, who had a map of <i>Sanson’s</i>, and a
+book of the post-roads before him, had kept his hand upon the head of
+his compasses, with one foot of them fixed upon <i>Nevers</i>, the last
+stage he had paid for&mdash;purposing to go on from that point with his
+journey and calculation, as soon as <i>Obadiah</i> quitted the room: but
+this second attack of <i>Obadiah’s</i>, in opening the door and laying
+the whole country under water, was too much.&mdash;&mdash;He let go his
+compasses&mdash;or rather with a mixed motion between accident and
+anger, he threw them upon the table; and then there was nothing for him
+to do, but to return back to <i>Calais</i> (like many others) as wise as
+he had set out.</p>
+
+<p>When the letter was brought into the parlour, which contained the
+news of my brother’s death, my father had got forwards again upon his
+journey to within a stride of the compasses of the very same stage of
+<i>Nevers</i>.&mdash;&mdash;By your leave, Mons. <i>Sanson</i>, cried my
+father, striking the point of his compasses through <i>Nevers</i> into
+the table&mdash;and nodding to my uncle <i>Toby</i> to see what was in
+the letter&mdash;twice of one night, is too much for an <i>English</i>
+gentleman and his son, Mons. <i>Sanson</i>, to be turned back from so
+lousy a town as <i>Nevers</i>&mdash;What think’st thou, <i>Toby?</i>
+added my father in a sprightly tone.&mdash;&mdash;Unless it be a
+garrison town, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;for
+then&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;shall be a fool, said
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page257" id = "page257">257</a></span>
+my father, smiling to himself, as long as I live.&mdash;So giving a
+second nod&mdash;and keeping his compasses still upon <i>Nevers</i> with
+one hand, and holding his book of the post-roads in the other&mdash;half
+calculating and half listening, he leaned forwards upon the table with
+both elbows, as my uncle <i>Toby</i> hummed over the letter.</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class = "space25">&nbsp; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash;<br />
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;<br />
+&mdash;&mdash;&ensp; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;</span><br />
+&mdash;&mdash; &nbsp; &mdash;&mdash; &nbsp; &mdash;&mdash; &nbsp;
+&mdash;&mdash; &nbsp; &mdash;he’s gone! said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Where&mdash;&mdash;Who? cried my
+father.&mdash;&mdash;My nephew, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;What&mdash;without leave&mdash;without
+money&mdash;without governor? cried my father in amazement.
+No:&mdash;&mdash;he is dead, my dear brother, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;Without being ill? cried my father
+again.&mdash;I&nbsp;dare say not, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, in a low
+voice, and fetching a deep sigh from the bottom of his heart, he has
+been ill enough, poor lad! I’ll answer for him&mdash;&mdash;for he is
+dead.</p>
+
+<p>When <i>Agrippina</i> was told of her son’s death, <i>Tacitus</i>
+informs us, that, not being able to moderate the violence of her
+passions, she abruptly broke off her work.&mdash;My father stuck his
+compasses into <i>Nevers</i>, but so much the faster.&mdash;What
+contrarieties! his, indeed, was matter of
+calculation!&mdash;<i>Agrippina’s</i> must have been quite a different
+affair; who else could pretend to reason from history?</p>
+
+<p>How my father went on, in my opinion, deserves a chapter to
+itself.&mdash;</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapIII" id = "bookV_chapIII">
+CHAPTER III</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash; &nbsp; &mdash;&mdash;And a chapter it shall have, and
+a devil of a one too&mdash;so look to yourselves.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis either <i>Plato</i>, or <i>Plutarch</i>, or <i>Seneca</i>, or
+<i>Xenophon</i>, or <i>Epictetus</i>, or <i>Theophrastus</i>, or
+<i>Lucian</i>&mdash;or some one perhaps of later date&mdash;either
+<i>Cardan</i>, or <i>BudĂŚus</i>, or <i>Petrarch</i>, or
+<i>Stella</i>&mdash;or possibly it may be some divine or father of the
+church, St. <i>Austin</i>, or St. <i>Cyprian</i>, or <i>Barnard</i>, who
+affirms that it is an irresistible and natural passion to weep for the
+loss of our friends or children&mdash;and <i>Seneca</i> (I’m positive)
+tells us somewhere, that such griefs evacuate themselves best by that
+particular channel&mdash;And accordingly we find, that <i>David</i> wept
+for his son <i>Absalom</i>&mdash;<i>Adrian</i> for his
+<i>Antinous</i>&mdash;<i>Niobe</i> for her children, and that
+<i>Apollodorus</i> and <i>Crito</i> both shed tears for <i>Socrates</i>
+before his death.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page258" id = "page258">258</a></span>
+<p>My father managed his affliction otherwise; and indeed differently
+from most men either ancient or modern; for he neither wept it away, as
+the <i>Hebrews</i> and the <i>Romans</i>&mdash;or slept it off, as the
+<i>Laplanders</i>&mdash;or hanged it, as the <i>English</i>, or drowned
+it, as the <i>Germans</i>&mdash;nor did he curse it, or damn it, or
+excommunicate it, or rhyme it, or lillabullero <span class =
+"locked">it.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;He got rid of it, however.</p>
+
+<p>Will your worships give me leave to squeeze in a story between these
+two pages?</p>
+
+<p>When <i>Tully</i> was bereft of his dear daughter <i>Tullia</i>, at
+first he laid it to his heart,&mdash;he listened to the voice of nature,
+and modulated his own unto it.&mdash;O my <i>Tullia!</i> my daughter! my
+child!&mdash;still, still, still,&mdash;’twas O my
+<i>Tullia!</i>&mdash;my <i>Tullia!</i> Methinks I see my <i>Tullia</i>,
+I&nbsp;hear my <i>Tullia</i>, I&nbsp;talk with my
+<i>Tullia</i>.&mdash;But as soon as he began to look into the stores of
+philosophy, and consider how many excellent things might be said upon
+the occasion&mdash;nobody upon earth can conceive, says the great
+orator, how happy, how joyful it made&nbsp;me.</p>
+
+<p>My father was as proud of his eloquence as <span class =
+"smallcaps">Marcus Tullius Cicero</span> could be for his life, and, for
+aught I am convinced of to the contrary at present, with as much reason:
+it was indeed his strength&mdash;and his weakness too.&mdash;&mdash;His
+strength&mdash;for he was by nature eloquent; and his weakness&mdash;for
+he was hourly a dupe to it; and, provided an occasion in life would but
+permit him to shew his talents, or say either a wise thing,
+a&nbsp;witty, or a shrewd one&mdash;(bating the case of a systematic
+misfortune)&mdash;he had all he wanted.&mdash;A&nbsp;blessing which tied
+up my father’s tongue, and a misfortune which let it loose with a good
+grace, were pretty equal: sometimes, indeed, the misfortune was the
+better of the two; for instance, where the pleasure of the harangue was
+as <i>ten</i>, and the pain of the misfortune but as
+<i>five</i>&mdash;my father gained half in half, and consequently was as
+well again off, as if it had never befallen him.</p>
+
+<p>This clue will unravel what otherwise would seem very inconsistent in
+my father’s domestic character; and it is this, that, in the
+provocations arising from the neglects and blunders of servants, or
+other mishaps unavoidable in a family, his anger or rather the duration
+of it, eternally ran counter to all conjecture.</p>
+
+<p>My father had a favourite little mare, which he had consigned over to
+a most beautiful Arabian horse, in order to have a pad out of her for
+his own riding: he was sanguine in all his projects; so talked about his
+pad every day with as absolute a security, as if it had been reared,
+broke,&mdash;and bridled and saddled at his
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page259" id = "page259">259</a></span>
+door ready for mounting. By some neglect or other in <i>Obadiah</i>, it
+so fell out, that my father’s expectations were answered with nothing
+better than a mule, and as ugly a beast of the kind as ever was
+produced.</p>
+
+<p>My mother and my uncle <i>Toby</i> expected my father would be the
+death of <i>Obadiah</i>&mdash;and that there never would be an end of
+the disaster.&mdash;&mdash;See here! you rascal, cried my father,
+pointing to the mule, what you have done!&mdash;&mdash;It was not me,
+said <i>Obadiah</i>.&mdash;&mdash;How do I know that? replied my
+father.</p>
+
+<p>Triumph swam in my father’s eyes, at the repartee&mdash;the
+<i>Attic</i> salt brought water into them&mdash;and so <i>Obadiah</i>
+heard no more about&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Now let us go back to my brother’s death.</p>
+
+<p>Philosophy has a fine saying for everything.&mdash;For <i>Death</i>
+it has an entire set; the misery was, they all at once rushed into my
+father’s head, that ’twas difficult to string them together, so as to
+make anything of a consistent show out of them.&mdash;He took them as
+they came.</p>
+
+<p>“’Tis an inevitable chance&mdash;the first statute in <i>Magna
+Charta</i>&mdash;it is an everlasting act of parliament, my dear
+brother,&mdash;&mdash;<i>All must die.</i></p>
+
+<p>“If my son could not have died, it had been matter of
+wonder,&mdash;not that he is dead.</p>
+
+<p>“Monarchs and princes dance in the same ring with us.</p>
+
+<p>“&mdash;<i>To die</i>, is the great debt and tribute due unto nature:
+tombs and monuments, which should perpetuate our memories, pay it
+themselves; and the proudest pyramid of them all, which wealth and
+science have erected, has lost its apex, and stands obtruncated in the
+traveller’s horizon.” (My&nbsp;father found he got great ease, and
+went&nbsp;on)&mdash;“Kingdoms and provinces, and towns and cities, have
+they not their periods? and when those principles and powers, which at
+first cemented and put them together, have performed their several
+evolutions, they fall back.”&mdash;Brother <i>Shandy</i>, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, laying down his pipe at the word
+<i>evolutions</i>&mdash;Revolutions, I&nbsp;meant, quoth my
+father,&mdash;by heaven! I&nbsp;meant revolutions, brother
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;evolutions is nonsense.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis not
+nonsense,&mdash;said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;But is it not
+nonsense to break the thread of such a discourse upon such an occasion?
+cried my father&mdash;do not&mdash;dear <i>Toby</i>, continued he,
+taking him by the hand, do not&mdash;do not, I&nbsp;beseech thee,
+interrupt me at this crisis.&mdash;&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i> put his
+pipe into his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>“Where is <i>Troy</i> and <i>Mycenæ</i>, and <i>Thebes</i> and
+<i>Delos</i>, and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page260" id = "page260">260</a></span>
+<i>Persepolis</i> and <i>Agrigentum?</i>”&mdash;continued my father,
+taking up his book of post-cards, which he had laid down.&mdash;“What is
+become, brother <i>Toby</i>, of <i>Nineveh</i> and <i>Babylon</i>, of
+<i>Cizicum</i> and <i>MitylenĂŚ?</i> The fairest towns that ever the sun
+rose upon, are now no more; the names only are left, and those (for many
+of them are wrong spelt) are falling themselves by piece-meals to decay,
+and in length of time will be forgotten, and involved with everything in
+a perpetual night: the world itself, brother <i>Toby</i>,
+must&mdash;must come to an end.</p>
+
+<p>“Returning out of <i>Asia</i>, when I sailed from <i>Ægina</i>
+towards <i>Megara</i>,” (<i>when can this have been? thought my uncle
+Toby</i>) “I&nbsp;began to view the country round about. <i>Ægina</i>
+was behind me, <i>Megara</i> was before, <i>PyrĂŚus</i> on the right
+hand, <i>Corinth</i> on the left.&mdash;What flourishing towns now
+prostrate upon the earth! Alas! alas! said I to myself, that man should
+disturb his soul for the loss of a child, when so much as this lies
+awfully buried in his presence&mdash;&mdash;Remember, said I to myself
+again&mdash;remember thou art a <span class =
+"locked">man.”&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Now my uncle <i>Toby</i> knew not that this last paragraph was an
+extract of <i>Servius Sulpicius’s</i> consolatory letter to
+<i>Tully</i>.&mdash;He had as little skill, honest man, in the
+fragments, as he had in the whole pieces of antiquity.&mdash;And as my
+father, whilst he was concerned in the <i>Turkey</i> trade, had been
+three or four different times in the <i>Levant</i>, in one of which he
+had staid a whole year and an half at <i>Zant</i>, my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+naturally concluded, that, in some one of these periods, he had taken a
+trip across the <i>Archipelago</i> into <i>Asia</i>; and that all this
+sailing affair with <i>Ægina</i> behind, and <i>Megara</i> before, and
+<i>PyrĂŚus</i> on the right hand, &amp;c., &amp;c., was nothing more than
+the true course of my father’s voyage and reflections.&mdash;’Twas
+certainly in his <i>manner</i>, and many an undertaking critic would
+have built two stories higher upon worse foundations.&mdash;And pray,
+brother, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, laying the end of his pipe upon my
+father’s hand in a kindly way of interruption&mdash;but waiting till he
+finished the account&mdash;what year of our Lord was this?&mdash;’Twas
+no year of our Lord, replied my father.&mdash;That’s impossible, cried
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;Simpleton! said my father,&mdash;’twas forty
+years before Christ was born.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> had but two things for it; either to suppose his
+brother to be the wandering <i>Jew</i>, or that his misfortunes had
+disordered his brain.&mdash;“May the Lord God of heaven and earth
+protect him and restore him,” said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, praying
+silently for my father, and with tears in his eyes.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page261" id = "page261">261</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;My father placed the tears to a proper account, and went on
+with his harangue with great spirit.</p>
+
+<p>“There is not such great odds, brother <i>Toby</i>, betwixt good and
+evil, as the world imagines”&mdash;&mdash;(this way of setting off, by
+the bye, was not likely to cure my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+suspicions.)&mdash;&mdash;“Labour, sorrow, grief, sickness, want, and
+woe, are the sauces of life.”&mdash;Much good may it do them&mdash;said
+my uncle <i>Toby</i> to <span class =
+"locked">himself.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“My son is dead!&mdash;so much the better;&mdash;’tis a shame in such
+a tempest to have but one anchor.”</p>
+
+<p>“But he is gone for ever from us!&mdash;be it so. He is got from
+under the hands of his barber before he was bald&mdash;he is but risen
+from a feast before he was surfeited&mdash;from a banquet before he had
+got drunken.”</p>
+
+<p>“The <i>Thracians</i> wept when a child was born”&mdash;(and we were
+very near it, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>)&mdash;“and feasted and made
+merry when a man went out of the world; and with
+reason.&mdash;&mdash;Death opens the gate of fame, and shuts the gate of
+envy after it,&mdash;it unlooses the chain of the captive, and puts the
+bondsman’s task into another man’s hands.”</p>
+
+<p>“Shew me the man, who knows what life is, who dreads it, and I’ll
+shew thee a prisoner who dreads his liberty.”</p>
+
+<p>Is it not better, my dear brother <i>Toby</i>, (for mark&mdash;our
+appetites are but diseases)&mdash;is it not better not to hunger at all,
+than to eat?&mdash;not to thirst, than to take physic to
+cure&nbsp;it?</p>
+
+<p>Is it not better to be freed from cares and agues, from love and
+melancholy, and the other hot and cold fits of life, than, like a galled
+traveller, who comes weary to his inn, to be bound to begin his journey
+afresh?</p>
+
+<p>There is no terrour, brother <i>Toby</i>, in its looks, but what it
+borrows from groans and convulsions&mdash;and the blowing of noses and
+the wiping away of tears with the bottoms of curtains, in a dying man’s
+room.&mdash;Strip it of these, what is it?&mdash;’Tis better in battle
+than in bed, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;Take away its herses, its
+mutes, and its mourning,&mdash;its plumes, scutcheons, and other
+mechanic aids&mdash;What is it?&mdash;&mdash;<i>Better in battle!</i>
+continued my father, smiling, for he had absolutely forgot my brother
+<i>Bobby</i>&mdash;’tis terrible no way&mdash;for consider, brother
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;when we <i>are</i>&mdash;death is
+<i>not</i>;&mdash;and when death <i>is</i>&mdash;we are <i>not</i>. My
+uncle <i>Toby</i> laid down his pipe to consider the proposition; my
+father’s eloquence was too rapid to stay for any man&mdash;away it
+went,&mdash;and hurried my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> ideas along with <span
+class = "locked">it.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>For this reason, continued my father, ’tis worthy to recollect
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page262" id = "page262">262</a></span>
+how little alteration, in great men, the approaches of death have
+made.&mdash;<i>Vespasian</i> died in a jest upon his
+close-stool&mdash;<i>Galba</i> with a sentence&mdash;<i>Septimus
+Severus</i> in a dispatch&mdash;<i>Tiberius</i> in dissimulation, and
+<i>Cæsar Augustus</i> in a compliment.&mdash;I&nbsp;hope ’twas a sincere
+one&mdash;quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;’Twas to his wife,&mdash;said my father.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapIV" id = "bookV_chapIV">
+CHAPTER IV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And lastly&mdash;for all the choice anecdotes which
+history can produce of this matter, continued my father,&mdash;this,
+like the gilded dome which covers in the fabric&mdash;crowns <span class
+= "locked">all.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>’Tis of <i>Cornelius Gallus</i>, the prætor&mdash;which, I dare say,
+brother <i>Toby</i>, you have read,&mdash;I&nbsp;dare say I have not,
+replied my uncle.&mdash;&mdash;He died, said my father, as
+*************** &mdash;And if it was with his wife, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;there could be no hurt in it&mdash;That’s more than I
+know&mdash;replied my father.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapV" id = "bookV_chapV">
+CHAPTER V</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> mother was going very gingerly in
+the dark along the passage which led to the parlour, as my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> pronounced the word <i>wife</i>.&mdash;’Tis a shrill
+penetrating sound of itself, and <i>Obadiah</i> had helped it by leaving
+the door a little a-jar, so that my mother heard enough of it to imagine
+herself the subject of the conversation; so laying the edge of her
+finger across her two lips&mdash;holding in her breath, and bending her
+head a little downwards, with a twist of her neck&mdash;(not towards the
+door, but from it, by which means her ear was brought to the
+chink)&mdash;she listened with all her powers:&mdash;&mdash;the
+listening slave, with the Goddess of Silence at his back, could not have
+given a finer thought for an intaglio.</p>
+
+<p>In this attitude I am determined to let her stand for five minutes:
+till I bring up the affairs of the kitchen (as&nbsp;<i>Rapin</i> does
+those of the church) to the same period.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapVI" id = "bookV_chapVI">
+CHAPTER VI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Though</span> in one sense, our family was
+certainly a simple machine, as it consisted of a few wheels; yet there
+was thus much to be
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page263" id = "page263">263</a></span>
+said for it, that these wheels were set in motion by so many different
+springs, and acted one upon the other from such a variety of strange
+principles and impulses&mdash;&mdash;that though it was a simple
+machine, it had all the honour and advantages of a complex
+one,&mdash;&mdash;and a number of as odd movements within it, as ever
+were beheld in the inside of a <i>Dutch</i> silk-mill.</p>
+
+<p>Amongst these there was one, I am going to speak of, in which,
+perhaps, it was not altogether so singular, as in many others; and it
+was this, that whatever motion, debate, harangue, dialogue, project, or
+dissertation, was going forwards in the parlour, there was generally
+another at the same time, and upon the same subject, running parallel
+along with it in the kitchen.</p>
+
+<p>Now to bring this about, whenever an extraordinary message, or
+letter, was delivered in the parlour&mdash;or a discourse suspended till
+a servant went out&mdash;or the lines of discontent were observed to
+hang upon the brows of my father or mother&mdash;or, in short, when
+anything was supposed to be upon the tapis worth knowing or listening
+to, ’twas the rule to leave the door, not absolutely shut, but somewhat
+a-jar&mdash;as it stands just now,&mdash;which, under covert of the bad
+hinge (and that possibly might be one of the many reasons why it was
+never mended), it was not difficult to manage; by which means, in all
+these cases, a&nbsp;passage was generally left, not indeed as wide as
+the <i>Dardanelles</i>, but wide enough, for all that, to carry on as
+much of this wind-ward trade, as was sufficient to save my father the
+trouble of governing his house;&mdash;my mother at this moment stands
+profiting by it.&mdash;<i>Obadiah</i> did the same thing, as soon as he
+had left the letter upon the table which brought the news of my
+brother’s death, so that before my father had well got over his
+surprise, and entered upon this harangue,&mdash;had <i>Trim</i> got upon
+his legs, to speak his sentiments upon the subject.</p>
+
+<p>A curious observer of nature, had he been worth the inventory of all
+Job’s stock&mdash;though by the by, <i>your curious observers are seldom
+worth a groat</i>&mdash;would have given the half of it, to have heard
+Corporal <i>Trim</i> and my father, two orators so contrasted by nature
+and education, haranguing over the same bier.</p>
+
+<p>My father&mdash;a man of deep reading&mdash;prompt memory&mdash;with
+<i>Cato</i>, and <i>Seneca</i>, and <i>Epictetus</i>, at his fingers
+<span class = "locked">ends.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The corporal&mdash;with nothing&mdash;to remember&mdash;of no deeper
+reading than his muster-roll&mdash;or greater names at his fingers end,
+than the contents of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>The one proceeding from period to period, by metaphor and allusion,
+and striking the fancy as he went along (as&nbsp;men of wit
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page264" id = "page264">264</a></span>
+and fancy&nbsp;do) with the entertainment and pleasantry of his pictures
+and images.</p>
+
+<p>The other, without wit or antithesis, or point, or turn, this way or
+that; but leaving the images on one side, and the picture on the other,
+going straight forwards as nature could lead him, to the heart.
+O&nbsp;<i>Trim!</i> would to heaven thou had’st a better
+historian!&mdash;would thy historian had a better pair of
+breeches!&mdash;&mdash;O ye critics! will nothing melt you?</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapVII" id = "bookV_chapVII">
+CHAPTER VII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;My young master in <i>London</i> is dead! said
+<i>Obadiah</i>.&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;A green sattin night-gown of my mother’s which
+had been twice scoured, was the first idea which <i>Obadiah’s</i>
+exclamation brought into <i>Susannah’s</i> head.&mdash;Well might
+<i>Locke</i> write a chapter upon the imperfection of words.&mdash;Then,
+quoth <i>Susannah</i>, we must all go into mourning.&mdash;But note a
+second time: the word <i>mourning</i>, notwithstanding <i>Susannah</i>
+made use of it herself&mdash;failed also of doing its office; it excited
+not one single idea, tinged either with grey or black,&mdash;all was
+green.&mdash;&mdash;The green sattin night-gown hung there still.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;O! ’twill be the death of my poor mistress, cried
+<i>Susannah</i>.&mdash;My mother’s whole wardrobe followed.&mdash;What a
+procession! her red damask,&mdash;her orange tawney,&mdash;her white and
+yellow lutestrings,&mdash;her brown taffata,&mdash;her bone-laced caps,
+her bed-gowns, and comfortable under-petticoats.&mdash;Not a rag was
+left behind.&mdash;“<i>No,&mdash;she will never look up again</i>,” said
+<i>Susannah</i>.</p>
+
+<p>We had a fat, foolish scullion&mdash;my father, I think, kept her for
+her simplicity;&mdash;she had been all autumn struggling with a
+dropsy.&mdash;He is dead, said <i>Obadiah</i>,&mdash;he is certainly
+dead!&mdash;So am not I, said the foolish scullion.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Here is sad news, <i>Trim</i>, cried <i>Susannah</i>,
+wiping her eyes as <i>Trim</i> stepp’d into the kitchen,&mdash;master
+<i>Bobby</i> is dead and <i>buried</i>&mdash;the funeral was an
+interpolation of <i>Susannah’s</i>&mdash;we shall have all to go into
+mourning, said <i>Susannah</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I hope not, said <i>Trim</i>.&mdash;You hope not! cried
+<i>Susannah</i> earnestly.&mdash;The mourning ran not in <i>Trim’s</i>
+head, whatever it did in <i>Susannah’s</i>.&mdash;I&nbsp;hope&mdash;said
+<i>Trim</i>, explaining himself, I&nbsp;hope in God the news is not
+true.&mdash;I&nbsp;heard the letter read with my own ears, answered
+<i>Obadiah</i>; and we shall have a terrible piece of work of it in
+stubbing the Ox-moor.&mdash;Oh! he’s dead, said
+<i>Susannah</i>.&mdash;As sure, said the scullion, as I’m alive.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page265" id = "page265">265</a></span>
+<p>I lament for him from my heart and my soul, said <i>Trim</i>,
+fetching a sigh.&mdash;Poor creature!&mdash;poor boy!&mdash;poor
+gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;He was alive last <i>Whitsontide!</i> said the
+coachman.&mdash;<i>Whitsontide!</i> alas! cried <i>Trim</i>, extending
+his right arm, and falling instantly into the same attitude in which he
+read the sermon,&mdash;what is <i>Whitsontide</i>, <i>Jonathan</i> (for
+that was the coachman’s name), or <i>Shrovetide</i>, or any tide or time
+past, to this? Are we not here now, continued the corporal (striking the
+end of his stick perpendicularly upon the floor, so as to give an idea
+of health and stability)&mdash;and are we not&mdash;(dropping his hat
+upon the ground) gone! in a moment!&mdash;’Twas infinitely striking!
+<i>Susannah</i> burst into a flood of tears.&mdash;We are not stocks and
+stones.&mdash;<i>Jonathan</i>, <i>Obadiah</i>, the cook-maid, all
+melted.&mdash;The foolish fat scullion herself, who was scouring a
+fish-kettle upon her knees, was rous’d with it.&mdash;The whole kitchen
+crowded about the corporal.</p>
+
+<p>Now, as I perceive plainly, that the preservation of our constitution
+in church and state,&mdash;and possibly the preservation of the whole
+world&mdash;or what is the same thing, the distribution and balance of
+its property and power, may in time to come depend greatly upon the
+right understanding of this stroke of the corporal’s
+eloquence&mdash;I&nbsp;do demand your attention&mdash;your worships and
+reverences, for any ten pages together, take them where you will in any
+other part of the work, shall sleep for it at your ease.</p>
+
+<p>I said, “we were not stocks and stones”&mdash;’tis very well. I
+should have added, nor are we angels, I&nbsp;wish we were,&mdash;but men
+clothed with bodies, and governed by our imaginations;&mdash;and what a
+junketing piece of work of it there is, betwixt these and our seven
+senses, especially some of them, for my own part, I&nbsp;own it,
+I&nbsp;am ashamed to confess. Let it suffice to affirm, that of all the
+senses, the eye (for I absolutely deny the touch, though most of your
+<i>Barbati</i>, I&nbsp;know, are for&nbsp;it) has the quickest commerce
+with the soul,&mdash;gives a smarter stroke, and leaves something more
+inexpressible upon the fancy, than words can either convey&mdash;or
+sometimes, get rid&nbsp;of.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;I’ve gone a little about&mdash;no matter, ’tis for
+health&mdash;let us only carry it back in our mind to the mortality of
+<i>Trim’s</i> hat.&mdash;“Are we not here now,&mdash;and gone in a
+moment?”&mdash;There was nothing in the sentence&mdash;’twas one of your
+self-evident truths we have the advantage of hearing every day; and if
+<i>Trim</i> had not trusted more to his hat than his head&mdash;he had
+made nothing at all of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page266" id = "page266">266</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;“Are we not here now;” continued the corporal,
+“and are we not”&mdash;(dropping his hat plump upon the ground&mdash;and
+pausing, before he pronounced the word)&mdash;“gone! in a moment?” The
+descent of the hat was as if a heavy lump of clay had been kneeded into
+the crown of it.&mdash;&mdash;Nothing could have expressed the sentiment
+of mortality, of which it was the type and fore-runner, like
+it,&mdash;his hand seemed to vanish from under it,&mdash;it fell
+dead,&mdash;the corporal’s eye fixed upon it, as upon a
+corpse,&mdash;and <i>Susannah</i> burst into a flood of tears.</p>
+
+<p>Now&mdash;Ten thousand, and ten thousand times ten thousand (for
+matter and motion are infinite) are the ways by which a hat may be
+dropped upon the ground, without any effect.&mdash;&mdash;Had he flung
+it, or thrown it, or cast it, or skimmed it, or squirted it, or let it
+slip or fall in any possible direction under heaven,&mdash;or in the
+best direction that could be given to it,&mdash;had he dropped it like a
+goose&mdash;like a puppy&mdash;like an ass&mdash;or in doing it, or even
+after he had done, had he looked like a fool&mdash;like a
+ninny&mdash;like a nincompoop&mdash;it had fail’d, and the effect upon
+the heart had been lost.</p>
+
+<p>Ye who govern this mighty world and its mighty concerns with the
+<i>engines</i> of eloquence,&mdash;who heat it, and cool it, and melt
+it, and mollify it,&mdash;&mdash;and then harden it again to <i>your
+purpose</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Ye who wind and turn the passions with this great windlass, and,
+having done it, lead the owners of them, whither ye think <span class =
+"locked">meet&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Ye, lastly, who drive&mdash;&mdash;and why not, Ye also who are
+driven, like turkeys to market with a stick and a red
+clout&mdash;meditate&mdash;meditate, I&nbsp;beseech you, upon
+<i>Trim’s</i> hat.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapVIII" id = "bookV_chapVIII">
+CHAPTER VIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Stay</span>&mdash;&mdash;I have a small
+account to settle with the reader before <i>Trim</i> can go on with his
+harangue.&mdash;It shall be done in two minutes.</p>
+
+<p>Amongst many other book-debts, all of which I shall discharge in due
+time,&mdash;I&nbsp;own myself a debtor to the world for two
+items,&mdash;a&nbsp;chapter upon <i>chamber-maids and button-holes</i>,
+which, in the former part of my work, I&nbsp;promised and fully intended
+to pay off this year: but some of your worships and reverences telling
+me, that the two subjects, especially so connected together, might
+endanger the morals of the world,&mdash;I&nbsp;pray the chapter
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page267" id = "page267">267</a></span>
+upon chamber-maids and button-holes may be forgiven me,&mdash;and that
+they will accept of the last chapter in lieu of it; which is nothing,
+an’t please your reverences, but a chapter of <i>chamber-maids, green
+gowns, and old hats</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Trim</i> took <ins class = "correction"
+title = "missing ‘hat’ may be intentional">his</ins> off the ground,&mdash;put it upon his
+head,&mdash;and then went on with his oration upon death, in manner and
+form following.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapIX" id = "bookV_chapIX">
+CHAPTER IX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;To us, <i>Jonathan</i>, who know not what want
+or care is&mdash;who live here in the service of two of the best of
+masters&mdash;(bating in my own case his majesty King <i>William</i> the
+Third, whom I had the honour to serve both in <i>Ireland</i> and
+<i>Flanders</i>)&mdash;I&nbsp;own it, that from <i>Whitsontide</i> to
+within three weeks of <i>Christmas</i>,&mdash;’tis not long&mdash;’tis
+like nothing;&mdash;but to those, <i>Jonathan</i>, who know what death
+is, and what havock and destruction he can make, before a man can well
+wheel about&mdash;’tis like a whole age.&mdash;O <i>Jonathan!</i>
+’twould make a good-natured man’s heart bleed, to consider, continued
+the corporal (standing perpendicularly), how low many a brave and
+upright fellow has been laid since that time!&mdash;And trust me,
+<i>Susy</i>, added the corporal, turning to <i>Susannah</i>, whose eyes
+were swimming in water,&mdash;before that time comes round
+again,&mdash;many a bright eye will be dim.&mdash;<i>Susannah</i> placed
+it to the right side of the page&mdash;she wept&mdash;but she court’sied
+too.&mdash;Are we not, continued <i>Trim</i>, looking still at
+<i>Susannah</i>&mdash;are we not like a flower of the
+field&mdash;a&nbsp;tear of pride stole in betwixt every two tears of
+humiliation&mdash;else no tongue could have described <i>Susannah’s</i>
+affliction&mdash;is not all flesh grass?&mdash;’Tis clay,&mdash;’tis
+dirt.&mdash;They all looked directly at the scullion,&mdash;the scullion
+had just been scouring a fish-kettle.&mdash;It was not <span class =
+"locked">fair.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;What is the finest face that ever man looked at!&mdash;I could
+hear <i>Trim</i> talk so for ever, cried <i>Susannah</i>,&mdash;what is
+it! (<i>Susannah</i> laid her hand upon <i>Trim’s</i>
+shoulder)&mdash;but corruption?&mdash;&mdash;<i>Susannah</i> took it
+off.</p>
+
+<p>Now I love you for this&mdash;and ’tis this delicious mixture within
+you which makes you dear creatures what you are&mdash;and he who hates
+you for it&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;all I can say of the matter is&mdash;That
+he has either a pumpkin for his head&mdash;or a pippin for his
+heart,&mdash;and whenever he is dissected ’twill be found&nbsp;so.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page268" id = "page268">268</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapX" id = "bookV_chapX">
+CHAPTER X</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Whether</span> <i>Susannah</i>, by taking
+her hand too suddenly from off the corporal’s shoulder (by&nbsp;the
+whisking about of her passions)&mdash;&mdash;broke a little the chain of
+his <span class = "locked">reflexions&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Or whether the corporal began to be suspicious, he had got into the
+doctor’s quarters, and was talking more like the chaplain than <span
+class = "locked">himself&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>
+Or whether - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; -
+&nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp;
+- &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp; - &nbsp;
+-<br />
+Or whether&mdash;&mdash;for in all such cases a man of invention and
+parts may with pleasure fill a couple of pages with
+suppositions&mdash;&mdash;which of all these was the cause, let the
+curious physiologist, or the curious anybody determine&mdash;&mdash;’tis
+certain, at least, the corporal went on thus with his harangue.</p>
+
+<p>For my own part, I declare it, that out of doors, I value not death
+at all:&mdash;not this ... added the corporal, snapping his
+fingers,&mdash;but with an air which no one but the corporal could have
+given to the sentiment.&mdash;In battle, I&nbsp;value death not this
+.&nbsp;.&nbsp;. and let him not take me cowardly, like poor <i>Joe
+Gibbins</i>, in scouring his gun&mdash;What is he? A&nbsp;pull of a
+trigger&mdash;a&nbsp;push of a bayonet an inch this way or
+that&mdash;makes the difference.&mdash;Look along the line&mdash;to the
+right&mdash;see! <i>Jack’s</i> down! well,&mdash;’tis worth a regiment
+of horse to him.&mdash;No&mdash;’tis <i>Dick</i>. Then <i>Jack’s</i> no
+worse.&mdash;Never mind which,&mdash;we pass on,&mdash;in hot pursuit
+the wound itself which brings him is not felt,&mdash;the best way is to
+stand up to him,&mdash;the man who flies, is in ten times more danger
+than the man who marches up into his jaws.&mdash;I’ve look’d him, added
+the corporal, an hundred times in the face,&mdash;and know what he
+is.&mdash;He’s nothing, <i>Obadiah</i>, at all in the field.&mdash;But
+he’s very frightful in a house, quoth
+<i>Obadiah</i>.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never mind it myself, said
+<i>Jonathan</i>, upon a coach-box.&mdash;It must, in my opinion, be most
+natural in bed, replied <i>Susannah</i>.&mdash;And could I escape him by
+creeping into the worst calf’s skin that ever was made into a knapsack,
+I&nbsp;would do it there&mdash;said <i>Trim</i>&mdash;but that is
+nature.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Nature is nature, said <i>Jonathan</i>.&mdash;And that
+is the reason, cried <i>Susannah</i>, I&nbsp;so much pity my
+mistress.&mdash;She will never get the better of it.&mdash;Now I pity
+the captain the most of any one in the family, answered
+<i>Trim</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Madam will get ease of heart in
+weeping,&mdash;and the Squire in talking about it,&mdash;but my poor
+master will keep it all in silence to himself,&mdash;I&nbsp;shall hear
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page269" id = "page269">269</a></span>
+him sigh in his bed for a whole month together, as he did for lieutenant
+<i>Le Fever</i>.&mdash;An’ please your honour, do not sigh so piteously,
+I&nbsp;would say to him as I laid besides him. I&nbsp;cannot help it,
+<i>Trim</i>, my master would say,&mdash;&mdash;’tis so melancholy an
+accident&mdash;I&nbsp;cannot get it off my heart.&mdash;Your honour
+fears not death yourself.&mdash;I&nbsp;hope, <i>Trim</i>, I&nbsp;fear
+nothing, he would say, but the doing a wrong thing.&mdash;&mdash;Well,
+he would add, whatever betides, I&nbsp;will take care of <i>Le
+Fever’s</i> boy.&mdash;And with that, like a quieting draught, his
+honour would fall asleep.</p>
+
+<p>I like to hear <i>Trim’s</i> stories about the captain, said
+<i>Susannah</i>.&mdash;He is a kindly-hearted gentleman, said
+<i>Obadiah</i>, as ever lived.&mdash;Aye, and as brave a one too, said
+the corporal, as ever stept before a platoon.&mdash;There never was a
+better officer in the king’s army,&mdash;or a better man in God’s world;
+for he would march up to the mouth of a cannon, though he saw the
+lighted match at the very touch-hole,&mdash;and yet, for all that, he
+has a heart as soft as a child for other people.&mdash;&mdash;He would
+not hurt a chicken.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;would sooner, quoth
+<i>Jonathan</i>, drive such a gentleman for seven pounds a
+year&mdash;than some for eight.&mdash;Thank thee, <i>Jonathan!</i> for
+thy twenty shillings,&mdash;as much, <i>Jonathan</i>, said the corporal,
+shaking him by the hand, as if thou hadst put the money into my own
+pocket.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;would serve him to the day of my death out
+of love. He is a friend and a brother to me,&mdash;and could I be sure
+my poor brother <i>Tom</i> was dead,&mdash;continued the corporal,
+taking out his handkerchief,&mdash;was I worth ten thousand pounds,
+I&nbsp;would leave every shilling of it to the
+captain.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim</i> could not refrain from tears at this
+testamentary proof he gave of his affection to his
+master.&mdash;&mdash;The whole kitchen was affected.&mdash;Do tell us
+the story of the poor lieutenant, said
+<i>Susannah</i>.&mdash;&mdash;With all my heart, answered the
+corporal.</p>
+
+<p><i>Susannah</i>, the cook, <i>Jonathan</i>, <i>Obadiah</i>, and
+corporal <i>Trim</i>, formed a circle about the fire; and as soon as the
+scullion had shut the kitchen door,&mdash;the corporal begun.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXI" id = "bookV_chapXI">
+CHAPTER XI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I am</span> a <i>Turk</i> if I had not as
+much forgot my mother, as if Nature had plaistered me up, and set me
+down naked upon the banks of the river <i>Nile</i>, without
+one.&mdash;&mdash;Your most obedient servant, Madam&mdash;I’ve cost you
+a great deal of trouble,&mdash;I&nbsp;wish it may answer;&mdash;but you
+have left a crack in my back,&mdash;and here’s a
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page270" id = "page270">270</a></span>
+great piece fallen off here before,&mdash;and what must I do with this
+foot?&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;shall never reach <i>England</i>
+with&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>For my own part, I never wonder at any thing;&mdash;and so often has
+my judgment deceived me in my life, that I always suspect it, right or
+wrong,&mdash;at least I am seldom hot upon cold subjects. For all this,
+I&nbsp;reverence truth as much as any body; and when it has slipped us,
+if a man will but take me by the hand, and go quietly and search for it,
+as for a thing we have both lost, and can neither of us do well
+without,&mdash;I’ll go to the world’s end with him:&mdash;&mdash;But I
+hate disputes,&mdash;and therefore (bating religious points, or such as
+touch society) I&nbsp;would almost subscribe to any thing which does not
+choak me in the first passage, rather than be drawn into
+one.&mdash;&mdash;But I cannot bear suffocation,&mdash;&mdash;and bad
+smells worst of all.&mdash;&mdash;For which reasons, I&nbsp;resolved
+from the beginning, That if ever the army of martyrs was to be
+augmented,&mdash;or a new one raised,&mdash;I&nbsp;would have no hand in
+it, one way or t’other.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXII" id = "bookV_chapXII">
+CHAPTER XII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">But</span> to return to my
+mother.</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+My uncle <i>Toby’s</i> opinion, Madam, “that there could be no harm in
+<i>Cornelius Gallus</i>, the <i>Roman</i> prætor’s lying with his
+wife;”&mdash;&mdash;or rather the last word of that opinion,&mdash;(for
+it was all my mother heard of&nbsp;it) caught hold of her by the weak
+part of the whole sex:&mdash;&mdash;You shall not mistake
+me,&mdash;I&nbsp;mean her curiosity,&mdash;she instantly concluded
+herself the subject of the conversation, and with that prepossession
+upon her fancy, you will readily conceive every word my father said, was
+accommodated either to herself, or her family concerns.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Pray, Madam, in what street does the lady live, who
+would not have done the same?</p>
+
+<p>From the strange mode of <i>Cornelius’s</i> death, my father had made
+a transition to that of <i>Socrates</i>, and was giving my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> an abstract of his pleading before his
+judges;&mdash;&mdash;’twas irresistible:&mdash;&mdash;not the oration of
+<i>Socrates</i>,&mdash;but my father’s temptation to it.&mdash;&mdash;He
+had wrote the Life of <i>Socrates</i><a class = "tag" name = "tag_5_1"
+id = "tag_5_1" href = "#note_5_1">1</a> himself the year before he left
+off trade, which, I&nbsp;fear, was the means of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page271" id = "page271">271</a></span>
+hastening him out of it;&mdash;&mdash;so that no one was able to set out
+with so full a sail, and in so swelling a tide of heroic loftiness upon
+the occasion, as my father was. Not a period in <i>Socrates’s</i>
+oration, which closed with a shorter word than <i>transmigration</i>, or
+<i>annihilation</i>,&mdash;or a worse thought in the middle of it than
+<i>to be&mdash;or not to be</i>,&mdash;the entering upon a new and
+untried state of things,&mdash;or, upon a long, a&nbsp;profound and
+peaceful sleep, without dreams, without
+disturbance?&mdash;&mdash;<i>That we and our children were born to
+die,&mdash;but neither of us born to be
+slaves</i>.&mdash;&mdash;No&mdash;there I mistake; that was part of
+<i>Eleazer’s</i> oration, as recorded by <i>Josephus</i>
+(<i>de&nbsp;Bell. Judaic.</i>)&mdash;&mdash;<i>Eleazer</i> owns he had
+it from the philosophers of <i>India</i>; in all likelihood
+<i>Alexander</i> the Great, in his irruption into <i>India</i>, after he
+had over-run <i>Persia</i>, amongst the many things he
+stole,&mdash;stole that sentiment also; by which means it was carried,
+if not all the way by himself (for we all know he died at
+<i>Babylon</i>), at least by some of his maroders, into
+<i>Greece</i>,&mdash;from <i>Greece</i> it got to
+<i>Rome</i>,&mdash;from <i>Rome</i> to <i>France</i>,&mdash;and from
+<i>France</i> to <i>England</i>:&mdash;&mdash;So things come <span class
+= "locked">round.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>By land carriage, I can conceive no other way.&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>By water the sentiment might easily have come down the <i>Ganges</i>
+into the <i>Sinus Gangeticus</i>, or <i>Bay of Bengal</i>, and so into
+the <i>Indian Sea</i>; and following the course of trade (the way from
+<i>India</i> by the <i>Cape of Good Hope</i> being then unknown), might
+be carried with other drugs and spices up the <i>Red Sea</i> to
+<i>Joddah</i>, the port of <i>Mekka</i>, or else to <i>Tor</i> or
+<i>Sues</i>, towns at the bottom of the gulf; and from thence by
+karrawans to <i>Coptos</i>, but three days’ journey distant, so down the
+<i>Nile</i> directly to <i>Alexandria</i>, where the <span class =
+"smallroman">SENTIMENT</span> would be landed at the very foot of the
+great stair-case of the <i>Alexandrian</i> library,&mdash;&mdash;and
+from that store-house it would be fetched.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Bless me!
+what a trade was driven by the learned in those days!</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXIII" id = "bookV_chapXIII">
+CHAPTER XIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">Now</span> my father had a
+way, a little like that of <i>Job’s</i> (in&nbsp;case there ever was
+such a man&mdash;&mdash;if not, there’s an end of the <span class =
+"locked">matter.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Though, by the bye, because your learned men find some difficulty in
+fixing the precise ĂŚra in which so great a man lived;&mdash;whether, for
+instance, before or after the patriarchs, &amp;c.&mdash;&mdash;to vote,
+therefore, that he never lived <i>at all</i>, is a little
+cruel,&mdash;’tis not doing as they would be done by,&mdash;happen that
+as it
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page272" id = "page272">272</a></span>
+may)&mdash;&mdash;My father, I&nbsp;say, had a way, when things went
+extremely wrong with him, especially upon the first sally of his
+impatience,&mdash;of wondering why he was begot,&mdash;wishing himself
+dead;&mdash;sometimes worse:&mdash;&mdash;And when the provocation ran
+high, and grief touched his lips with more than ordinary
+powers&mdash;Sir, you scarce could have distinguished him from
+<i>Socrates</i> himself.&mdash;&mdash;Every word would breathe the
+sentiments of a soul disdaining life, and careless about all its issues;
+for which reason, though my mother was a woman of no deep reading, yet
+the abstract of <i>Socrates’s</i> oration, which my father was giving my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, was not altogether new to her.&mdash;She listened to
+it with composed intelligence, and would have done so to the end of the
+chapter, had not my father plunged (which he had no occasion to have
+done) into that part of the pleading where the great philosopher reckons
+up his connections, his alliances, and children; but renounces a
+security to be so won by working upon the passions of his
+judges.&mdash;“I&nbsp;have friends&mdash;I&nbsp;have
+relations,&mdash;I&nbsp;have three desolate children,”&mdash;says <span
+class = "locked"><i>Socrates</i>.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Then, cried my mother, opening the
+door,&mdash;&mdash;you have one more, Mr. <i>Shandy</i>, than I
+know&nbsp;of.</p>
+
+<p>By heaven! I have one less,&mdash;said my father, getting up and
+walking out of the room.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXIV" id = "bookV_chapXIV">
+CHAPTER XIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;They are <i>Socrates’s</i> children, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>. He has been dead a hundred years ago, replied my
+mother.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> was no chronologer&mdash;so not caring to
+advance one step but upon safe ground, he laid down his pipe
+deliberately upon the table, and rising up, and taking my mother most
+kindly by the hand, without saying another word, either good or bad, to
+her, he led her out after my father, that he might finish the
+ecclaircissement himself.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXV" id = "bookV_chapXV">
+CHAPTER XV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Had</span> this volume been a farce, which,
+unless every one’s life and opinions are to be looked upon as a farce as
+well as mine, I&nbsp;see no reason to suppose&mdash;the last chapter,
+Sir, had finished the first act of it, and then this chapter must have
+set off thus.</p>
+
+<p>Ptr..r..r..ing&mdash;twing&mdash;twang&mdash;prut&mdash;trut&mdash;&mdash;’tis
+a cursed bad
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page273" id = "page273">273</a></span>
+fiddle.&mdash;Do you know whether my fiddle’s in tune or
+no?&mdash;trut..prut..&mdash;They should be
+<i>fifths</i>.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis wickedly
+strung&mdash;tr...a.e.i.o.u.-twang.&mdash;The bridge is a mile too high,
+and the sound post absolutely down,&mdash;else&mdash;trut .&nbsp;.
+prut&mdash;hark! ’tis not so bad a tone.&mdash;Diddle diddle, diddle
+diddle, diddle diddle, dum. There is nothing in playing before good
+judges,&mdash;but there’s a man there&mdash;no&mdash;not him with the
+bundle under his arm&mdash;the grave man in black.&mdash;’Sdeath! not
+the gentleman with the sword on.&mdash;Sir, I&nbsp;had rather play a
+<i>Caprichio</i> to <i>Calliope</i> herself, than draw my bow across my
+fiddle before that very man; and yet I’ll stake my <i>Cremona</i> to a
+<i>Jew’s</i> trump, which is the greatest musical odds that ever were
+laid, that I will this moment stop three hundred and fifty leagues out
+of tune upon my fiddle, without punishing one single nerve that belongs
+to him&mdash;Twaddle diddle, tweddle diddle,&mdash;twiddle
+diddle,&mdash;&mdash;twoddle diddle,&mdash;twuddle
+diddle,&mdash;&mdash;prut
+trut&mdash;krish&mdash;krash&mdash;krush.&mdash;I’ve undone you,
+Sir,&mdash;but you see he’s no worse,&mdash;and was <i>Apollo</i> to
+take his fiddle after me, he can make him no better.</p>
+
+<p>Diddle diddle, diddle diddle, diddle
+diddle&mdash;hum&mdash;dum&mdash;drum.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Your worships and your reverences love music&mdash;and God has
+made you all with good ears&mdash;and some of you play delightfully
+yourselves&mdash;trut-prut,&mdash;prut-trut.</p>
+
+<p>O! there is&mdash;whom I could sit and hear whole days,&mdash;whose
+talents lie in making what he fiddles to be felt,&mdash;who inspires me
+with his joys and hopes, and puts the most hidden springs of my heart
+into motion.&mdash;If you would borrow five guineas of me,
+Sir,&mdash;which is generally ten guineas more than I have to
+spare&mdash;or you Messrs. Apothecary and Taylor, want your bills
+paying,&mdash;that’s your time.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXVI" id = "bookV_chapXVI">
+CHAPTER XVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> first thing which entered my
+father’s head, after affairs were a little settled in the family, and
+<i>Susannah</i> had got possession of my mother’s green sattin
+night-gown,&mdash;was to sit down coolly, after the example of
+<i>Xenophon</i>, and write a <span class =
+"smallcaps">Tristra</span>-pĂŚdia, or system of education for me;
+collecting first for that purpose his own scattered thoughts, counsels,
+and notions; and binding them together, so as to form an <span class =
+"smallroman">INSTITUTE</span> for the government of my childhood and
+adolescence. I&nbsp;was my father’s
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page274" id = "page274">274</a></span>
+last stake&mdash;he had lost my brother <i>Bobby</i> entirely,&mdash;he
+had lost, by his own computation, full three-fourths of me&mdash;that
+is, he had been unfortunate in his three first great casts for
+me&mdash;my geniture, nose, and name,&mdash;there was but this one left;
+and accordingly my father gave himself up to it with as much devotion as
+ever my uncle <i>Toby</i> had done to his doctrine of
+projectils.&mdash;The difference between them was, that my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> drew his whole knowledge of projectils from <i>Nicholas
+Tartaglia</i>&mdash;My father spun his, every thread of it, out of his
+own brain,&mdash;or reeled and cross-twisted what all other spinners and
+spinsters had spun before him, that ’twas pretty near the same torture
+to him.</p>
+
+<p>In about three years, or something more, my father had got advanced
+almost into the middle of his work.&mdash;Like all other writers, he met
+with disappointments.&mdash;He imagined he should be able to bring
+whatever he had to say, into so small a compass, that when it was
+finished and bound, it might be rolled up in my mother’s
+hussive.&mdash;Matter grows under our hands.&mdash;Let no man
+say,&mdash;“Come&mdash;I’ll write a duodecimo.”</p>
+
+<p>My father gave himself up to it, however, with the most painful
+diligence, proceeding step by step in every line, with the same kind of
+caution and circumspection (though I cannot say upon quite so religious
+a principle) as was used by <i>John de la Casse</i>, the lord archbishop
+of <i>Benevento</i>, in compassing his <i>Galatea</i>; in which his
+Grace of <i>Benevento</i> spent near forty years of his life; and when
+the thing came out, it was not of above half the size or the thickness
+of a <i>Rider’s</i> Almanack.&mdash;How the holy man managed the affair,
+unless he spent the greatest part of his time in combing his whiskers,
+or playing at <i>primero</i> with his chaplain,&mdash;would pose any
+mortal not let into the true secret;&mdash;and therefore ’tis worth
+explaining to the world, was it only for the encouragement of those few
+in it, who write not so much to be fed&mdash;as to be famous.</p>
+
+<p>I own had <i>John de la Casse</i>, the archbishop of
+<i>Benevento</i>, for whose memory (notwithstanding his <i>Galatea</i>)
+I&nbsp;retain the highest veneration,&mdash;had he been, Sir,
+a&nbsp;slender clerk&mdash;of dull wit&mdash;slow parts&mdash;costive
+head, and so forth,&mdash;he and his <i>Galatea</i> might have jogged on
+together to the age of <i>Methuselah</i> for me,&mdash;the phĂŚnomenon
+had not been worth a <span class =
+"locked">parenthesis.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>But the reverse of this was the truth: <i>John de la Casse</i> was a
+genius of fine parts and fertile fancy; and yet with all these
+advantages of nature, which should have pricked him forwards with his
+<i>Galatea</i>, he lay under an impuissance at the same time
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page275" id = "page275">275</a></span>
+of advancing above a line and a half in the compass of a whole summer’s
+day: this disability in his Grace arose from an opinion he was afflicted
+with,&mdash;which opinion was this,&mdash;<i>viz.</i> that whenever a
+Christian was writing a book (not for his private amusement, but) where
+his intent and purpose was, <i>bonâ fide</i>, to print and publish it to
+the world, his first thoughts were always the temptations of the evil
+one.&mdash;This was the state of ordinary writers: but when a personage
+of venerable character and high station, either in church or state, once
+turned author,&mdash;he maintained, that from the very moment he took
+pen in hand&mdash;all the devils in hell broke out of their holes to
+cajole him.&mdash;’Twas Term-time with them,&mdash;every thought, first
+and last, was captious;&mdash;how specious and good soever,&mdash;’twas
+all one;&mdash;in whatever form or colour it presented itself to the
+imagination,&mdash;’twas still a stroke of one or other of ’em levell’d
+at him, and was to be fenced off.&mdash;So that the life of a writer,
+whatever he might fancy to the contrary, was not so much a state of
+<i>composition</i>, as a state of <i>warfare</i>; and his probation in
+it, precisely that of any other man militant upon earth,&mdash;both
+depending alike, not half so much upon the degrees of his <span class =
+"smallroman">WIT</span>&mdash;as his <span class =
+"smallroman">RESISTANCE</span>.</p>
+
+<p>My father was hugely pleased with this theory of <i>John de la
+Casse</i>, archbishop of <i>Benevento</i>; and (had it not cramped him a
+little in his creed) I&nbsp;believe would have given ten of the best
+acres in the <i>Shandy</i> estate, to have been the broacher of
+it.&mdash;How far my father actually believed in the devil, will be
+seen, when I come to speak of my father’s religious notions, in the
+progress of this work: ’tis enough to say here, as he could not have the
+honour of it, in the literal sense of the doctrine&mdash;he took up with
+the allegory of it; and would often say, especially when his pen was a
+little retrograde, there was as much good meaning, truth, and knowledge,
+couched under the veil of <i>John de la Casse’s</i> parabolical
+representation,&mdash;as was to be found in any one poetic fiction or
+mystic record of antiquity.&mdash;Prejudice of education, he would say,
+<i>is the devil</i>,&mdash;and the multitudes of them which we suck in
+with our mother’s milk&mdash;<i>are the devil and
+all</i>.&mdash;&mdash;We are haunted with them, brother <i>Toby</i>, in
+all our lucubrations and researches; and was a man fool enough to submit
+tamely to what they obtruded upon him,&mdash;what would his book be?
+Nothing,&mdash;he would add, throwing his pen away with a
+vengeance,&mdash;nothing but a farrago of the clack of nurses, and of
+the nonsense of the old women (of&nbsp;both sexes) throughout the
+kingdom.</p>
+
+<p>This is the best account I am determined to give of the slow
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page276" id = "page276">276</a></span>
+progress my father made in his <i>Tristra-pĂŚdia</i>; at which (as&nbsp;I
+said) he was three years, and something more, indefatigably at work,
+and, at last, had scarce completed, by his own reckoning, one half of
+his undertaking: the misfortune was, that I was all that time totally
+neglected and abandoned to my mother: and what was almost as bad, by the
+very delay, the first part of the work, upon which my father had spent
+the most of his pains, was rendered entirely useless,&mdash;&mdash;every
+day a page or two became of no <span class =
+"locked">consequence.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Certainly it was ordained as a scourge upon the pride
+of human wisdom, That the wisest of us all should thus outwit ourselves,
+and eternally forego our purposes, in the intemperate act of pursuing
+them.</p>
+
+<p>In short, my father was so long in all his acts of
+resistance,&mdash;or in other words,&mdash;he advanced so very slow with
+his work, and I began to live and get forwards at such a rate, that if
+an event had not happened,&mdash;&mdash;which, when we get to it, if it
+can be told with decency, shall not be concealed a moment from the
+reader&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;verily believe, I&nbsp;had put by my father,
+and left him drawing a sun-dial, for no better purpose than to be buried
+underground.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXVII" id = "bookV_chapXVII">
+CHAPTER XVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">’Twas</span> nothing,&mdash;I
+did not lose two drops of blood by it&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;’twas
+not worth calling in a surgeon, had he lived next door to
+us&mdash;&mdash;thousands suffer by choice, what I did by
+accident.&mdash;&mdash;Doctor <i>Slop</i> made ten times more of it,
+than there was occasion:&mdash;&mdash;some men rise, by the art of
+hanging great weights upon small wires,&mdash;and I am this day
+(<i>August</i> the 10th, 1761) paying part of the price of this man’s
+reputation.&mdash;&mdash;O ’twould provoke a stone, to see how things
+are carried on in this world!&mdash;&mdash;The chamber-maid had left no
+******* *** under the bed:&mdash;&mdash;Cannot you contrive, master,
+quoth <i>Susannah</i>, lifting up the sash with one hand, as she spoke,
+and helping me up into the window-seat with the other,&mdash;cannot you
+manage, my dear, for a single time, to **** *** ** *** ******?</p>
+
+<p>I was five years old.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Susannah</i> did not consider
+that nothing was well hung in our family,&mdash;&mdash;so slap came the
+sash down like lightning upon us;&mdash;Nothing is left,&mdash;cried
+<i>Susannah</i>,&mdash;nothing is left&mdash;for me, but to run my <span
+class = "locked">country.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby’s</i> house was a much kinder sanctuary; and so
+<i>Susannah</i> fled to&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page277" id = "page277">277</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXVIII" id = "bookV_chapXVIII">
+CHAPTER XVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> <i>Susannah</i> told the
+corporal the misadventure of the sash, with all the circumstances which
+attended the <i>murder</i> of me,&mdash;(as&nbsp;she
+called&nbsp;it)&mdash;the blood forsook his cheeks,&mdash;all
+accessaries in murder being principals,&mdash;<i>Trim’s</i> conscience
+told him he was as much to blame as <i>Susannah</i>,&mdash;and if the
+doctrine had been true, my uncle <i>Toby</i> had as much of the
+bloodshed to answer for to heaven, as either of ’em;&mdash;so that
+neither reason or instinct, separate or together, could possibly have
+guided <i>Susannah’s</i> steps to so proper an asylum. It is in vain to
+leave this to the Reader’s imagination:&mdash;to form any kind of
+hypothesis that will render these propositions feasible, he must cudgel
+his brains sore,&mdash;and to do it without,&mdash;he must have such
+brains as no reader ever had before him.&mdash;&mdash;Why should I put
+them either to trial or to torture? ’Tis my own affair: I’ll explain it
+myself.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXIX" id = "bookV_chapXIX">
+CHAPTER XIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">’Tis</span> a pity, <i>Trim</i>, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, resting with his hand upon the corporal’s shoulder,
+as they both stood surveying their works,&mdash;that we have not a
+couple of field-pieces to mount in the gorge of that new
+redoubt;&mdash;&mdash;’twould secure the lines all along there, and make
+the attack on that side quite complete:&mdash;&mdash;get me a couple
+cast, <i>Trim</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Your honour shall have them, replied <i>Trim</i>, before to-morrow
+morning.</p>
+
+<p>It was the joy of <i>Trim’s</i> heart,&mdash;nor was his fertile head
+ever at a loss for expedients in doing it, to supply my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> in his campaigns, with whatever his fancy called for; had it
+been his last crown, he would have sate down and hammered it into a
+paderero, to have prevented a single wish in his Master. The corporal
+had already,&mdash;what with cutting off the ends of my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> spouts&mdash;hacking and chiseling up the sides of his
+leaden gutters,&mdash;melting down his pewter shaving-bason,&mdash;and
+going at last, like <i>Lewis</i> the Fourteenth, on to the top of the
+church, for spare ends, &amp;c.&mdash;&mdash;he had that very campaign
+brought no less than eight new battering cannons, besides three
+demi-culverins, into the field; my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> demand for two
+more pieces for the redoubt, had set the corporal at work again; and no
+better resource offering, he had taken the two leaden
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page278" id = "page278">278</a></span>
+weights from the nursery window: and as the sash pullies, when the lead
+was gone, were of no kind of use, he had taken them away also, to make a
+couple of wheels for one of their carriages.</p>
+
+<p>He had dismantled every sash-window in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> house
+long before, in the very same way,&mdash;though not always in the same
+order; for sometimes the pullies have been wanted, and not the
+lead,&mdash;so then he began with the pullies,&mdash;and the pullies
+being picked out, then the lead became useless,&mdash;and so the lead
+went to pot too.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;A great <span class = "smallroman">MORAL</span> might
+be picked handsomely out of this, but I have not time&mdash;’tis enough
+to say, wherever the demolition began, ’twas equally fatal to the sash
+window.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXX" id = "bookV_chapXX">
+CHAPTER XX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> corporal had not taken his
+measures so badly in this stroke of artilleryship, but that he might
+have kept the matter entirely to himself, and left <i>Susannah</i> to
+have sustained the whole weight of the attack, as she could;&mdash;true
+courage is not content with coming off so.&mdash;&mdash;The corporal,
+whether as general or comptroller of the train,&mdash;’twas no
+matter,&mdash;&mdash;had done that, without which, as he imagined, the
+misfortune could never have happened,&mdash;<i>at least in</i>
+Susannah’s <i>hands</i>;&mdash;&mdash;How would your honours have
+behaved?&mdash;&mdash;He determined at once, not to take shelter behind
+<i>Susannah</i>,&mdash;but to give it; and with this resolution upon his
+mind, he marched upright into the parlour, to lay the whole
+<i>manœuvre</i> before my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> had just then been giving <i>Yorick</i> an
+account of the battle of <i>Steenkirk</i>, and of the strange conduct of
+count <i>Solmes</i> in ordering the foot to halt, and the horse to march
+where it could not act; which was directly contrary to the king’s
+commands, and proved the loss of the day.</p>
+
+<p>There are incidents in some families so pat to the purpose of what is
+going to follow,&mdash;they are scarce exceeded by the invention of a
+dramatic writer;&mdash;I&nbsp;mean of ancient <span class =
+"locked">days.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Trim</i>, by the help of his forefinger, laid flat upon the table,
+and the edge of his hand striking across it at right angles, made a
+shift to tell his story so, that priests and virgins might have listened
+to it;&mdash;and the story being told,&mdash;the dialogue went on as
+follows.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page279" id = "page279">279</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXI" id = "bookV_chapXXI">
+CHAPTER XXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I would be picquetted to death, cried the corporal, as
+he concluded <i>Susannah’s</i> story, before I would suffer the woman to
+come to any harm,&mdash;’twas my fault, an’ please your
+honour,&mdash;not hers.</p>
+
+<p>Corporal <i>Trim</i>, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>, putting on his
+hat which lay upon the table,&mdash;&mdash;if anything can be said to be
+a fault, when the service absolutely requires it should be
+done,&mdash;’tis I certainly who deserve the blame,&mdash;&mdash;you
+obeyed your orders.</p>
+
+<p>Had count <i>Solmes</i>, <i>Trim</i>, done the same at the battle of
+<i>Steenkirk</i>, said <i>Yorick</i>, drolling a little upon the
+corporal, who had been run over by a dragoon in the
+retreat,&mdash;&mdash;he had saved thee;&mdash;&mdash;Saved! cried
+<i>Trim</i>, interrupting <i>Yorick</i>, and finishing the sentence for
+him after his own fashion,&mdash;&mdash;he had saved five battalions,
+an’ please your reverence, every soul of them:&mdash;&mdash;there was
+<i>Cutts’s</i>&mdash;continued the corporal, clapping the forefinger of
+his right hand upon the thumb of his left, and counting round his
+hand,&mdash;&mdash;there was
+<i>Cutts’s</i>,&mdash;&mdash;<i>Mackay’s</i>,&mdash;&mdash;<i>Angus’s</i>,&mdash;&mdash;<i>Graham’s</i>,&mdash;&mdash;and
+<i>Leven’s</i>, all cut to pieces;&mdash;&mdash;and so had the
+<i>English</i> life-guards too, had it not been for some regiments upon
+the right, who marched up boldly to their relief, and received the
+enemy’s fire in their faces, before any one of their own platoons
+discharged a musket,&mdash;&mdash;they’ll go to heaven for
+it,&mdash;added <i>Trim</i>.&mdash;<i>Trim</i> is right, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, nodding to <i>Yorick</i>,&mdash;&mdash;he’s perfectly
+right. What signified his marching the horse, continued the corporal,
+where the ground was so straight, that the <i>French</i> had such a
+nation of hedges, and copses, and ditches, and fell’d trees laid this
+way and that to cover them; (as&nbsp;they always
+have).&mdash;&mdash;Count <i>Solmes</i> should have sent
+us,&mdash;&mdash;we would have fired muzzle to muzzle with them for
+their lives.&mdash;&mdash;There was nothing to be done for the
+horse:&mdash;&mdash;he had his foot shot off however for his pains,
+continued the corporal, the very next campaign at
+<i>Landen</i>.&mdash;Poor <i>Trim</i> got his wound there, quoth my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;’Twas owing, an’ please your honour,
+entirely to count <i>Solmes</i>,&mdash;&mdash;had he drubb’d them
+soundly at <i>Steenkirk</i>, they would not have fought us at
+<i>Landen</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Possibly not,&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim</i>, said
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>;&mdash;&mdash;though if they have the advantage of
+a wood, or you give them a moment’s time to intrench themselves, they
+are a
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page280" id = "page280">280</a></span>
+nation which will pop and pop for ever at you.&mdash;&mdash;There is no
+way but to march coolly up to them,&mdash;&mdash;receive their fire, and
+fall in upon them, pell-mell&mdash;&mdash;Ding dong, added
+<i>Trim</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Horse and foot, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Helter skelter, said
+<i>Trim</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Right and left, cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Blood an’ ounds, shouted the
+corporal;&mdash;&mdash;the battle raged,&mdash;&mdash;<i>Yorick</i> drew
+his chair a little to one side for safety, and after a moment’s pause,
+my uncle <i>Toby</i> sinking his voice a note,&mdash;resumed the
+discourse as follows.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXII" id = "bookV_chapXXII">
+CHAPTER XXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">King</span> <i>William</i>, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, addressing himself to <i>Yorick</i>, was so terribly
+provoked at count <i>Solmes</i> for disobeying his orders, that he would
+not suffer him to come into his presence for many months
+after.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;fear, answered <i>Yorick</i>, the squire will
+be as much provoked at the corporal, as the King at the
+count.&mdash;&mdash;But ’twould be singularly hard in this case,
+continued he, if corporal <i>Trim</i>, who has behaved so diametrically
+opposite to count <i>Solmes</i>, should have the fate to be rewarded
+with the same disgrace:&mdash;&mdash;too oft in this world, do things
+take that train.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;would spring a mine, cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, rising up,&mdash;&mdash;and blow up my fortifications, and
+my house with them, and we would perish under their ruins, ere I would
+stand by and see it.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim</i> directed a
+slight,&mdash;&mdash;but a grateful bow towards his
+master,&mdash;&mdash;and so the chapter ends.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXIII" id = "bookV_chapXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Then, <i>Yorick</i>, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>, you
+and I will lead the way abreast,&mdash;&mdash;and do you, corporal,
+follow a few paces behind us.&mdash;&mdash;And <i>Susannah</i>, an’
+please your honour, said <i>Trim</i>, shall be put in the
+rear.&mdash;&mdash;’Twas an excellent disposition,&mdash;and in this
+order, without either drums beating, or colours flying, they marched
+slowly from my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> house to <i>Shandy-hall</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I wish, said <i>Trim</i>, as they entered the
+door,&mdash;instead of the sash weights, I&nbsp;had cut off the church
+spout, as I once thought to have done.&mdash;You have cut off spouts
+enow, replied <span class =
+"locked"><i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page281" id = "page281">281</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXIV" id = "bookV_chapXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> many pictures as have been given
+of my father, how like him soever in different airs and
+attitudes,&mdash;not one, or all of them, can ever help the reader to
+any kind of preconception of how my father would think, speak, or act,
+upon any untried occasion or occurrence of life.&mdash;There was that
+infinitude of oddities in him, and of chances along with it, by which
+handle he would take a thing,&mdash;it baffled, Sir, all
+calculations.&mdash;&mdash;The truth was, his road lay so very far on
+one side, from that wherein most men travelled,&mdash;that every object
+before him presented a face and section of itself to his eye, altogether
+different from the plan and elevation of it seen by the rest of
+mankind.&mdash;In other words, ’twas a different object, and in course
+was differently considered:</p>
+
+<p>This is the true reason, that my dear <i>Jenny</i> and I, as well as
+all the world besides us, have such eternal squabbles about
+nothing.&mdash;She looks at her outside,&mdash;I, at her in&mdash;. How
+is it possible we should agree about her value?</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXV" id = "bookV_chapXXV">
+CHAPTER XXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">’Tis</span> a point settled,&mdash;and I
+mention it for the comfort of <i>Confucius</i>,<a class = "tag" name =
+"tag_5_2" id = "tag_5_2" href = "#note_5_2">2</a> who is apt to get
+entangled in telling a plain story&mdash;that provided he keeps along
+the line of his story,&mdash;he may go backwards and forwards as he
+will,&mdash;’tis still held to be no digression.</p>
+
+<p>This being premised, I take the benefit of the <i>act of going
+backwards</i> myself.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXVI" id = "bookV_chapXXVI">
+CHAPTER XXVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Fifty</span> thousand pannier loads of
+devils&mdash;(not of the Archbishop of
+<i>Benevento’s</i>,&mdash;I&nbsp;mean of <i>Rabelais’s</i> devils) with
+their tails chopped off by their rumps, could not have made so
+diabolical a scream of it, as I did&mdash;when the accident befel me: it
+summoned up my mother instantly into the nursery,&mdash;so that
+<i>Susannah</i> had but just time to make her escape down the back
+stairs, as my mother came up the fore.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page282" id = "page282">282</a></span>
+<p>Now, though I was old enough to have told the story myself,&mdash;and
+young enough, I&nbsp;hope, to have done it without malignity; yet
+<i>Susannah</i>, in passing by the kitchen, for fear of accidents, had
+left it in shorthand with the cook&mdash;the cook had told it with a
+commentary to <i>Jonathan</i>, and <i>Jonathan</i> to <i>Obadiah</i>; so
+that by the time my father had rung the bell half a dozen times, to know
+what was the matter above,&mdash;was <i>Obadiah</i> enabled to give him
+a particular account of it, just as it had
+happened.&mdash;I&nbsp;thought as much, said my father, tucking up his
+night-gown;&mdash;and so walked up stairs.</p>
+
+<p>One would imagine from this&mdash;&mdash;(though for my own part I
+somewhat question&nbsp;it)&mdash;that my father, before that time, had
+actually wrote that remarkable character in the <i>Tristra-pĂŚdia</i>,
+which to me is the most original and entertaining one in the whole
+book;&mdash;and that is the <i>chapter upon sash-windows</i>, with a
+bitter <i>Philippick</i> at the end of it, upon the forgetfulness of
+chamber-maids.&mdash;I&nbsp;have but two reasons for thinking
+otherwise.</p>
+
+<p>First, Had the matter been taken into consideration, before the event
+happened, my father certainly would have nailed up the sash window for
+good an’ all;&mdash;which, considering with what difficulty he composed
+books,&mdash;he might have done with ten times less trouble, than he
+could have wrote the chapter: this argument I foresee holds good against
+his writing a chapter, even after the event; but ’tis obviated under the
+second reason, which I have the honour to offer to the world in support
+of my opinion, that my father did not write the chapter upon
+sash-windows and chamber-pots, at the time supposed,&mdash;and it is
+this.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;That, in order to render the <i>Tristra-pĂŚdia</i>
+complete,&mdash;I&nbsp;wrote the chapter myself.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXVII" id = "bookV_chapXXVII">
+CHAPTER XXVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> father put on his
+spectacles&mdash;looked,&mdash;took them off,&mdash;put them into the
+case&mdash;all in less than a statutable minute; and without opening his
+lips, turned about and walked precipitately down stairs: my mother
+imagined he had stepped down for lint and basilicon; but seeing him
+return with a couple of folios under his arm, and <i>Obadiah</i>
+following him with a large reading-desk, she took it for granted ’twas
+an herbal, and so drew him a chair to the bedside, that he might consult
+upon the case at his ease.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page283" id = "page283">283</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;If it be but right done,&mdash;said my father, turning
+to the <i>Section&mdash;de sede vel subjecto
+circumcisionis</i>,&mdash;&mdash;for he had brought up <i>Spenser de
+Legibus HebrĂŚorum Ritualibus</i>&mdash;and <i>Maimonides</i>, in order
+to confront and examine us <span class =
+"locked">altogether.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;If it be but right done, quoth he:&mdash;only tell us,
+cried my mother, interrupting him, what herbs?&mdash;&mdash;For that,
+replied my father, you must send for Dr. <i>Slop</i>.</p>
+
+<p>My mother went down, and my father went on, reading the section as
+follows,</p>
+
+<p><span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * *<br />
+* * * * * * * * *<br />
+* * * </span>* &nbsp;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Very well,&mdash;said my
+father,<br />
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * *<br />
+* * * * * * * * *</span><br />
+<span class = "space35">* </span>* &emsp; &mdash;nay, if it has that
+convenience&mdash;&mdash;and so without stopping a moment to settle it
+first in his mind, whether the <i>Jews</i> had it from the
+<i>Egyptians</i>, or the <i>Egyptians</i> from the <i>Jews</i>,&mdash;he
+rose up, and rubbing his forehead two or three times across with the
+palm of his hand, in the manner we rub out the footsteps of care, when
+evil has trod lighter upon us than we foreboded,&mdash;he shut the book,
+and walked down stairs.&mdash;Nay, said he, mentioning the name of a
+different great nation upon every step as he set his foot upon
+it&mdash;if the <span class = "smallcaps">Egyptians</span>,&mdash;the
+<span class = "smallcaps">Syrians</span>,&mdash;the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Phoenicians</span>,&mdash;the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Arabians</span>,&mdash;the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Cappadocians</span>,&mdash;&mdash;if the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Colchi</span>, and <span class =
+"smallcaps">Troglodytes</span> did it&mdash;&mdash;if <span class =
+"smallcaps">Solon</span> and <span class = "smallcaps">Pythagoras</span>
+submitted,&mdash;what is <span class =
+"smallcaps">Tristram</span>?&mdash;&mdash;Who am I, that I should fret
+or fume one moment about the matter?</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXVIII" id = "bookV_chapXXVIII">
+CHAPTER XXVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Dear</span> <i>Yorick</i>, said my father,
+smiling (for <i>Yorick</i> had broke his rank with my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+in coming through the narrow entry, and so had stept first into the
+parlour)&mdash;this <i>Tristram</i> of ours, I&nbsp;find, comes very
+hardly by all his religious rites.&mdash;Never was the son of
+<i>Jew</i>, <i>Christian</i>, <i>Turk</i>, or <i>Infidel</i> initiated
+into them in so oblique and slovenly a manner.&mdash;But he is no worse,
+I&nbsp;trust, said <i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;There has been certainly,
+continued my father, the deuce and all to do in some part or other of
+the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was formed.&mdash;That, you
+are a better judge of than I, replied <i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;Astrologers,
+quoth my father, know better than us both:&mdash;the trine and sextil
+aspects have jumped awry,&mdash;or the opposite of their ascendants
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page284" id = "page284">284</a></span>
+have not hit it, as they should,&mdash;or the lords of the genitures
+(as&nbsp;they call them) have been at <i>bo-peep</i>,&mdash;or something
+has been wrong above, or below with&nbsp;us.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis possible, answered <i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;But is the child, cried
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>, the worse?&mdash;The <i>Troglodytes</i> say not,
+replied my father. And your theologists, <i>Yorick</i>, tell
+us&mdash;Theologically? said <i>Yorick</i>,&mdash;or speaking after the
+manner of apothecaries?<a class = "tag" name = "tag_5_3" id = "tag_5_3"
+href = "#note_5_3">3</a>&mdash;statesmen?<a class = "tag" name =
+"tag_5_4" id = "tag_5_4" href = "#note_5_4">4</a>&mdash;or
+washer-women?<a class = "tag" name = "tag_5_5" id = "tag_5_5" href =
+"#note_5_5">5</a></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I’m not sure, replied my father,&mdash;but they tell
+us, brother <i>Toby</i>, he’s the better for it.&mdash;&mdash;Provided,
+said <i>Yorick</i>, you travel him into <i>Egypt</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Of
+that, answered my father, he will have the advantage, when he sees the
+<span class = "locked"><i>Pyramids</i>.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Now every word of this, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, is <i>Arabick</i>
+to me.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish, said <i>Yorick</i>, ’twas so, to half
+the world.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "smallcaps">Ilus</span>,<a class = "tag"
+name = "tag_5_6" id = "tag_5_6" href = "#note_5_6">6</a> continued my
+father, circumcised his whole army one morning.&mdash;Not without a
+court martial? cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Though the
+learned, continued he, taking no notice of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+remark, but turning to <i>Yorick</i>,&mdash;are greatly divided still
+who <i>Ilus</i> was;&mdash;some say <i>Saturn</i>;&mdash;some the
+Supreme Being;&mdash;others, no more than a brigadier general under
+<i>Pharaoh-neco</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Let him be who he will, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, I&nbsp;know not by what article of war he could
+justify&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty
+different reasons for it:&mdash;others, indeed, who have drawn their
+pens on the opposite side of the question, have shewn the world the
+futility of the greatest part of them.&mdash;But then again, our best
+polemic divines&mdash;I&nbsp;wish there was not a polemic divine, said
+<i>Yorick</i>, in the kingdom;&mdash;one ounce of practical
+divinity&mdash;is worth a painted ship-load of all their reverences have
+imported these fifty years.&mdash;Pray, Mr. <i>Yorick</i>, quoth my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;do tell me what a polemic divine
+is?&mdash;&mdash;The best description, captain <i>Shandy</i>,
+I&nbsp;have ever read, is of a couple of ’em, replied <i>Yorick</i>, in
+the account of the battle fought single hands betwixt <i>Gymnast</i> and
+captain <i>Tripet</i>; which I have in my
+pocket.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> earnestly.&mdash;You shall, said <i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;And as
+the corporal is waiting for me at the door,&mdash;and I know the
+description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his
+supper,&mdash;I&nbsp;beg,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page285" id = "page285">285</a></span>
+brother, you’ll give him leave to come in.&mdash;With all my soul, said
+my father.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim</i> came in, erect and happy as an
+emperor; and having shut the door, <i>Yorick</i> took a book from his
+right-hand coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXIX" id = "bookV_chapXXIX">
+CHAPTER XXIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;“which words being heard by all the soldiers which were
+there, divers of them being inwardly terrified, did shrink back and make
+room for the assailant: all this did <i>Gymnast</i> very well remark and
+consider; and therefore, making as if he would have alighted from off
+his horse, as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most
+nimbly (with his short sword by his thigh) shifting his feet in the
+stirrup, and performing the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the
+inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith launched himself aloft
+into the air, and placed both his feet together upon the saddle,
+standing upright, with his back turned towards his horse’s
+head,&mdash;Now (said&nbsp;he) my case goes forward. Then suddenly in
+the same posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and
+turning to the left-hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round,
+just into his former position, without missing one jot.&mdash;&mdash;Ha!
+said <i>Tripet</i>, I&nbsp;will not do that at this time,&mdash;and not
+without cause. Well, said <i>Gymnast</i>, I&nbsp;have
+failed,&mdash;I&nbsp;will undo this leap; then with a marvellous
+strength and agility, turning towards the right-hand, he fetched another
+frisking gambol as before; which done, he set his right-hand thumb upon
+the bow of the saddle, raised himself up, and sprung into the air,
+poising and upholding his whole weight upon the muscle and nerve of the
+said thumb, and so turned and whirled himself about three times: at the
+fourth, reversing his body, and overturning it upside down, and foreside
+back, without <i>touching anything</i>, he brought himself betwixt the
+horse’s two ears, and then giving himself a jerking swing, he seated
+himself upon the crupper&mdash;&mdash;”</p>
+
+<p>(This can’t be fighting, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;The
+corporal shook his head at it.&mdash;&mdash;Have patience, said
+<i>Yorick</i>.)</p>
+
+<p>“Then (<i>Tripet</i>) pass’d his right leg over his saddle, and
+placed himself <i>en croup</i>.&mdash;But, said he, ’twere better for me
+to get into the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the
+crupper before him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only
+supporters of his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the
+air, and strait found himself betwixt the bow of the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page286" id = "page286">286</a></span>
+saddle in a tolerable seat; then springing into the air with a
+summerset, he turned him about like a wind-mill, and made above a
+hundred frisks, turns, and demi-pommadas.”&mdash;Good God! cried
+<i>Trim</i>, losing all patience,&mdash;one home thrust of a bayonet is
+worth it all.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;think so too, replied <span class =
+"locked"><i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I am of a contrary opinion, quoth my father.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXX" id = "bookV_chapXXX">
+CHAPTER XXX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">No</span>,&mdash;I think I
+have advanced nothing, replied my father, making answer to a question
+which <i>Yorick</i> had taken the liberty to put to
+him,&mdash;I&nbsp;have advanced nothing in the <i>Tristra-pĂŚdia</i>, but
+what is as clear as any one proposition in <i>Euclid</i>.&mdash;Reach
+me, <i>Trim</i>, that book from off the scrutoir:&mdash;&mdash;it has
+oft-times been in my mind, continued my father, to have read it over
+both to you, <i>Yorick</i>, and to my brother <i>Toby</i>, and I think
+it a little unfriendly in myself, in not having done it long
+ago:&mdash;&mdash;shall we have a short chapter or two now,&mdash;and a
+chapter or two hereafter, as occasions serve; and so on, till we get
+through the whole? My uncle <i>Toby</i> and <i>Yorick</i> made the
+obeisance which was proper; and the corporal, though he was not included
+in the compliment, laid his hand upon his breast, and made his bow at
+the same time.&mdash;&mdash;The company smiled. <i>Trim</i>, quoth my
+father, has paid the full price for staying out the
+<i>entertainment</i>.&mdash;&mdash;He did not seem to relish the play,
+replied <i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;&mdash;’Twas a Tom-fool-battle, an’ please
+your reverence, of captain <i>Tripet’s</i> and that other officer,
+making so many summersets, as they advanced;&mdash;&mdash;the
+<i>French</i> come on capering now and then in that way,&mdash;but not
+quite so much.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> never felt the consciousness of his existence
+with more complacency than what the corporal’s, and his own reflections,
+made him do at that moment;&mdash;&mdash;he lighted his
+pipe,&mdash;&mdash;<i>Yorick</i> drew his chair closer to the
+table,&mdash;<i>Trim</i> snuff’d the candle,&mdash;my father stirr’d up
+the fire,&mdash;took up the book,&mdash;cough’d twice, and begun.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXXI" id = "bookV_chapXXXI">
+CHAPTER XXXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> first thirty pages, said my
+father, turning over the leaves,&mdash;are a little dry; and as they are
+not closely connected with the subject,&mdash;&mdash;for the present
+we’ll pass them by: ’tis a prefatory
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page287" id = "page287">287</a></span>
+introduction, continued my father, or an introductory preface (for I am
+not determined which name to give&nbsp;it) upon political or civil
+government; the foundation of which being laid in the first conjunction
+betwixt male and female, for procreation of the
+species&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;was insensibly led into
+it.&mdash;&mdash;’Twas natural, said <i>Yorick</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The original of society, continued my father, I’m satisfied is, what
+<i>Politian</i> tells us, <i>i.e.</i>, merely conjugal; and nothing more
+than the getting together of one man and one woman;&mdash;to which,
+(according to <i>Hesiod</i>) the philosopher adds a
+servant:&mdash;&mdash;but supposing in the first beginning there were no
+men servants born&mdash;&mdash;he lays the foundation of it, in a
+man,&mdash;a&nbsp;woman&mdash;and a bull.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;believe
+’tis an ox, quoth <i>Yorick</i>, quoting the passage (<span class =
+"greek" title = "oikon men prôtista, gunaika te, boun t’ arotêra">οἶκον
+μὲν πρώτιστα, <ins class = "correction"
+title = "printed γυνᾶικα">γυναῖκα</ins> τε, βοῦν τ’ <ins class = "correction" title =
+"printed ἀροτὴρα">ἀροτῆρα</ins></span>).&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;bull must
+have given more trouble than his head was worth.&mdash;&mdash;But there
+is a better reason still, said my father (dipping his pen into his ink);
+for the ox being the most patient of animals, and the most useful withal
+in tilling the ground for their nourishment,&mdash;was the properest
+instrument, and emblem too, for the new joined couple, that the creation
+could have associated with them.&mdash;And there is a stronger reason,
+added my uncle <i>Toby</i>, than them all for the ox.&mdash;My father
+had not power to take his pen out of his ink-horn, till he had heard my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> reason.&mdash;For when the ground was tilled, said
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>, and made worth inclosing, then they began to
+secure it by walls and ditches, which was the origin of
+fortification.&mdash;&mdash;True, true, dear <i>Toby</i>, cried my
+father, striking out the bull, and putting the ox in his place.</p>
+
+<p>My father gave <i>Trim</i> a nod, to snuff the candle, and resumed
+his discourse.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I enter upon this speculation, said my father
+carelessly, and half shutting the book, as he went on, merely to shew
+the foundation of the natural relation between a father and his child;
+the right and jurisdiction over whom he acquires these several <span
+class = "locked">ways&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>1st, by marriage.</p>
+
+<p>2d, by adoption.</p>
+
+<p>3d, by legitimation.</p>
+
+<p>And 4th, by procreation; all which I consider in their order.</p>
+
+<p>I lay a slight stress upon one of them, replied
+<i>Yorick</i>&mdash;&mdash;the act, especially where it ends there, in
+my opinion lays as little obligation upon the child, as it conveys power
+to the father.&mdash;You
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page288" id = "page288">288</a></span>
+are wrong,&mdash;said my father argutely, and for this plain reason
+<span class = "space35"> &nbsp;
+* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *</span>
+&mdash;I&nbsp;own, added my father, that the offspring, upon this
+account, is not so under the power and jurisdiction of the
+mother.&mdash;But the reason, replied <i>Yorick</i>, equally holds good
+for her.&mdash;&mdash;She is under authority herself, said my
+father:&mdash;and besides, continued my father, nodding his head, and
+laying his finger upon the side of his nose, as he assigned his
+reason,&mdash;<i>she is not the principal agent,</i> Yorick.&mdash;In
+what, quoth my uncle <i>Toby?</i> stopping his pipe.&mdash;Though by all
+means, added my father (not attending to my uncle <i>Toby</i>) “<i>The
+son ought to pay her respect</i>,” as you may read, <i>Yorick</i>, at
+large in the first book of the Institutes of <i>Justinian</i>, at the
+eleventh title and the tenth section,&mdash;I&nbsp;can read it as well,
+replied <i>Yorick</i>, in the Catechism.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXXII" id = "bookV_chapXXXII">
+CHAPTER XXXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Trim</span> can repeat every word of it by
+heart, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;Pugh! said my father, not
+caring to be interrupted with <i>Trim’s</i> saying his Catechism. He
+can, upon my honour, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;Ask him, Mr.
+<i>Yorick</i>, any question you <span class =
+"locked">please.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;The fifth Commandment, <i>Trim</i>&mdash;said <i>Yorick</i>,
+speaking mildly, and with a gentle nod, as to a modest Catechumen. The
+corporal stood silent.&mdash;You don’t ask him right, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, raising his voice, and giving it rapidly like the word of
+command:&mdash;&mdash;The fifth&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;cried my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;I&nbsp;must begin with the first, an’ please
+your honour, said the <span class =
+"locked">corporal.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;<i>Yorick</i> could not forbear smiling.&mdash;Your reverence
+does not consider, said the corporal, shouldering his stick like a
+musket, and marching into the middle of the room, to illustrate his
+position,&mdash;that ’tis exactly the same thing, as doing one’s
+exercise in the <span class = "locked">field.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“<i>Join your right-hand to your firelock</i>,” cried the corporal,
+giving the word of command, and performing the <span class =
+"locked">motion.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“<i>Poise your firelock</i>,” cried the corporal, doing the duty
+still both of adjutant and private man.</p>
+
+<p>“<i>Rest your firelock</i>;”&mdash;one motion, an’ please your
+reverence, you see leads into another.&mdash;If his honour will begin
+but with the <span class = "locked"><i>first</i>&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page289" id = "page289">289</a></span>
+
+<p><span class = "smallcaps">The first</span>&mdash;cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, setting his hand upon his side&mdash;
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *</span></p>
+
+<p><span class = "smallcaps">The second</span>&mdash;cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, waving his tobacco-pipe, as he would have done his sword at
+the head of a regiment.&mdash;The corporal went through his
+<i>manual</i> with exactness! and having <i>honoured his father and
+mother</i>, made a low bow, and fell back to the side of the room.</p>
+
+<p>Everything in this world, said my father, is big with jest,&mdash;and
+has wit in it, and instruction too,&mdash;if we can but find it out.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Here is the <i>scaffold work</i> of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Instruction</span>, its true point of folly, without the
+<span class = "smallroman">BUILDING</span> behind&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Here is the glass for pedagogues, preceptors, tutors,
+governors, gerund-grinders, and bear-leaders, to view themselves in, in
+their true <span class = "locked">dimensions.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Oh! there is a husk and shell, <i>Yorick</i>, which grows up with
+learning, which their unskilfulness knows not how to fling away!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;<span class = "smallcaps">Sciences may be learned by rote, but
+Wisdom not.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Yorick</i> thought my father inspired.&mdash;I will enter into
+obligations this moment, said my father, to lay out all my aunt
+<i>Dinah’s</i> legacy in charitable uses (of&nbsp;which, by the bye, my
+father had no high opinion), if the corporal has any one determinate
+idea annexed to any one word he has repeated.&mdash;Prythee,
+<i>Trim</i>, quoth my father, turning round to him,&mdash;What dost thou
+mean, by “<i>honouring thy father and mother?</i>”</p>
+
+<p>Allowing them, an’ please your honour, three half-pence a day out of
+my pay, when they grow old.&mdash;And didst thou do that, <i>Trim?</i>
+said <i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;He did indeed, replied my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;Then, <i>Trim</i>, said <i>Yorick</i>, springing out
+of his chair, and taking the corporal by the hand, thou art the best
+commentator upon that part of the <i>Decalogue</i>; and I honour thee
+more for it, corporal <i>Trim</i>, than if thou hadst had a hand in the
+<i>Talmud</i> itself.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXXIII" id = "bookV_chapXXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">O blessed</span> health! cried my father,
+making an exclamation, as he turned over the leaves to the next chapter,
+thou art above all gold and treasure; ’tis thou who enlargest the
+soul,&mdash;and openest all its powers to receive instruction and to
+relish virtue.&mdash;He that has thee, has little more to wish
+for;&mdash;and he that is so wretched as to want thee,&mdash;wants
+everything with thee.</p>
+
+<p>I have concentrated all that can be said upon this important
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page290" id = "page290">290</a></span>
+head, said my father, into a very little room, therefore we’ll read the
+chapter quite through.</p>
+
+<p>My father read as follows:</p>
+
+<p>“The whole secret of health depending upon the due contention for
+mastery betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture”&mdash;You
+have proved that matter of fact, I&nbsp;suppose, above, said
+<i>Yorick</i>. Sufficiently, replied my father.</p>
+
+<p>In saying this, my father shut the book,&mdash;not as if he resolved
+to read no more of it, for he kept his forefinger in the
+chapter:&mdash;&mdash;nor pettishly,&mdash;for he shut the book slowly;
+his thumb resting, when he had done it, upon the upper-side of the
+cover, as his three fingers supported the lower side of it, without the
+least compressive <span class =
+"locked">violence.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I have demonstrated the truth of that point, quoth my father, nodding
+to <i>Yorick</i>, most sufficiently in the preceding chapter.</p>
+
+<p>Now could the man in the moon be told, that a man in the earth had
+wrote a chapter, sufficiently demonstrating, That the secret of all
+health depended upon the due contention for mastery betwixt the
+<i>radical heat</i> and the <i>radical moisture</i>,&mdash;and that he
+had managed the point so well, that there was not one single word wet or
+dry upon radical heat or radical moisture, throughout the whole
+chapter,&mdash;or a single syllable in it, <i>pro</i> or <i>con</i>,
+directly or indirectly, upon the contention betwixt these two powers in
+any part of the animal <span class =
+"locked">œconomy&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“O thou eternal Maker of all beings!”&mdash;he would cry, striking
+his breast with his right hand (in&nbsp;case he had one)&mdash;“Thou
+whose power and goodness can enlarge the faculties of thy creatures to
+this infinite degree of excellence and perfection,&mdash;What have we
+<span class = "smallcaps">Moonites</span> done?”</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXXIV" id = "bookV_chapXXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">With</span> two strokes, the one at
+<i>Hippocrates</i>, the other at Lord <i>Verulam</i>, did my father
+achieve&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>The stroke at the prince of physicians, with which he began, was no
+more than a short insult upon his sorrowful complaint of the <i>Ars
+longa</i>,&mdash;and <i>Vita brevis</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Life short, cried
+my father,&mdash;and the art of healing tedious! And who are we to thank
+for both the one and the other, but the ignorance of quacks
+themselves,&mdash;and the stage-loads of chymical nostrums, and
+peripatetic lumber, with which, in all ages, they have first flatter’d
+the world, and at last deceived&nbsp;it?</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page291" id = "page291">291</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;O my lord <i>Verulam!</i> cried my father, turning from
+<i>Hippocrates</i>, and making his second stroke at him, as the
+principal of nostrum-mongers, and the fittest to be made an example of
+to the rest,&mdash;&mdash;What shall I say to thee, my great lord
+<i>Verulam?</i> What shall I say to thy internal spirit,&mdash;thy
+opium,&mdash;thy salt-petre,&mdash;&mdash;thy greasy unctions,&mdash;thy
+daily purges,&mdash;thy nightly clysters, and succedaneums?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;My father was never at a loss what to say to any man,
+upon any subject; and had the least occasion for the exordium of any man
+breathing: how he dealt with his lordship’s opinion,&mdash;&mdash;you
+shall see;&mdash;&mdash;but when&mdash;I&nbsp;know not;&mdash;&mdash;we
+must first see what his lordship’s opinion was.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXXV" id = "bookV_chapXXXV">
+CHAPTER XXXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>“<span class = "firstword">The</span> two great causes, which
+conspire with each other to shorten life, says lord <i>Verulam</i>, are
+<span class = "locked">first&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“The internal spirit, which, like a gentle flame, wastes the body
+down to death:&mdash;And secondly, the external air, that parches the
+body up to ashes:&mdash;which two enemies attacking us on both sides of
+our bodies together, at length destroy our organs, and render them unfit
+to carry on the functions of life.”</p>
+
+<p>This being the state of the case, the road to Longevity was plain;
+nothing more being required, says his lordship, but to repair the waste
+committed by the internal spirit, by making the substance of it more
+thick and dense, by a regular course of opiates on one side, and by
+refrigerating the heat of it on the other, by three grains and a half of
+salt-petre every morning before you got <span class =
+"locked">up.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Still this frame of ours was left exposed to the inimical assaults of
+the air without;&mdash;but this was fenced off again by a course of
+greasy unctions, which so fully saturated the pores of the skin, that no
+spicula could enter;&mdash;&mdash;nor could any one get
+out.&mdash;&mdash;This put a stop to all perspiration, sensible and
+insensible, which being the cause of so many scurvy
+distempers&mdash;a&nbsp;course of clysters was requisite to carry off
+redundant humours,&mdash;and render the system complete.</p>
+
+<p>What my father had to say to my lord of <i>Verulam’s</i> opiates, his
+salt-petre, and greasy unctions and clysters, you shall read,&mdash;but
+not to-day&mdash;or to-morrow: time presses upon me,&mdash;my reader is
+impatient&mdash;I&nbsp;must get forwards.&mdash;&mdash;You shall read
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page292" id = "page292">292</a></span>
+the chapter at your leisure (if&nbsp;you chuse&nbsp;it), as soon as ever
+the <i>Tristra-pĂŚdia</i> is <span class =
+"locked">published.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Sufficeth it at present, to say, my father levelled the hypothesis
+with the ground, and in doing that, the learned know, he built up and
+established his <span class = "locked">own.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXXVI" id = "bookV_chapXXXVI">
+CHAPTER XXXVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> whole secret of health, said my
+father, beginning the sentence again, depending evidently upon the due
+contention betwixt the radical heat and radical moisture within
+us;&mdash;the least imaginable skill had been sufficient to have
+maintained it, had not the schoolmen confounded the talk, merely
+(as&nbsp;<i>Van Helmont</i>, the famous chymist, has proved) by all
+along mistaking the radical moisture for the tallow and fat of animal
+bodies.</p>
+
+<p>Now the radical moisture is not the tallow or fat of animals, but an
+oily and balsamous substance; for the fat and tallow, as also the phlegm
+or watery parts, are cold; whereas the oily and balsamous parts are of a
+lively heat and spirit, which accounts for the observation of
+<i>Aristotle</i>, “<i>Quod omne animal post coitum est</i> triste.”</p>
+
+<p>Now it is certain, that the radical heat lives in the radical
+moisture, but whether <i>vice versâ</i>, is a doubt: however, when the
+one decays, the other decays also; and then is produced, either an
+unnatural heat, which causes an unnatural dryness&mdash;&mdash;or an
+unnatural moisture, which causes dropsies.&mdash;&mdash;So that if a
+child, as he grows up, can but be taught to avoid running into fire or
+water, as either of ’em threaten his destruction,&mdash;&mdash;’twill be
+all that is needful to be done upon that <span class =
+"locked">head.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXXVII" id = "bookV_chapXXXVII">
+CHAPTER XXXVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> description of the siege of
+<i>Jericho</i> itself, could not have engaged the attention of my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> more powerfully than the last chapter;&mdash;his eyes were
+fixed upon my father throughout it;&mdash;he never mentioned radical
+heat and radical moisture, but my uncle <i>Toby</i> took his pipe out of
+his mouth, and shook his head; and as soon as the chapter was finished,
+he beckoned to the corporal to come close to his chair, to ask him the
+following question,&mdash;<i>aside</i>.&mdash;&mdash;
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </span>
+It was at the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page293" id = "page293">293</a></span>
+siege of <i>Limerick</i>, an’ please your honour, replied the corporal,
+making a bow.</p>
+
+<p>The poor fellow and I, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, addressing himself
+to my father, were scarce able to crawl out of our tents, at the time
+the siege of <i>Limerick</i> was raised, upon the very account you
+mention.&mdash;&mdash;Now what can have got into that precious noddle of
+thine, my dear brother <i>Toby?</i> cried my father,
+mentally.&mdash;&mdash;By Heaven! continued he, communing still with
+himself, it would puzzle an <i>Œdipus</i> to bring it in <span class =
+"locked">point.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I believe, an’ please your honour, quoth the corporal, that if it had
+not been for the quantity of brandy we set fire to every night, and the
+claret and cinnamon with which I plyed your honour off;&mdash;And the
+geneva, <i>Trim</i>, added my uncle <i>Toby</i>, which did us more good
+than all&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;verily believe, continued the corporal, we
+had both, an’ please your honour, left our lives in the trenches, and
+been buried in them too.&mdash;&mdash;The noblest grave, corporal! cried
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>, his eyes sparkling as he spoke, that a soldier
+could wish to lie down in.&mdash;&mdash;But a pitiful death for him! an’
+please your honour, replied the corporal.</p>
+
+<p>All this was as much <i>Arabick</i> to my father, as the rites of the
+<i>Colchi</i> and <i>Troglodites</i> had been before to my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>; my father could not determine whether he was to frown or to
+<span class = "locked">smile.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i>, turning to <i>Yorick</i>, resumed the case at
+<ins class = "correction"
+title = "printed in Roman (non-italic) type"><i>Limerick</i></ins>, more intelligibly than he had begun
+it,&mdash;and so settled the point for my father at once.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXXVIII" id = "bookV_chapXXXVIII">
+CHAPTER XXXVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> was undoubtedly, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, a great happiness for myself and the corporal, that we had
+all along a burning fever, attended with a most raging thirst, during
+the whole five-and-twenty days the flux was upon us in the camp;
+otherwise what my brother calls the radical moisture, must, as I
+conceive it, inevitably have got the better.&mdash;&mdash;My father drew
+in his lungs top-full of air, and looking up, blew it forth again, as
+slowly as he possibly <span class =
+"locked">could.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;It was Heaven’s mercy to us, continued my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, which put it into the corporal’s head to maintain that due
+contention betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture, by
+reinforcing the fever, as he did all along, with hot wine and spices;
+whereby the corporal kept up (as&nbsp;it were) a&nbsp;continual
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page294" id = "page294">294</a></span>
+firing, so that the radical heat stood its ground from the beginning to
+the end, and was a fair match for the moisture, terrible as it
+was.&mdash;&mdash;Upon my honour, added my uncle <i>Toby</i>, you might
+have heard the contention within our bodies, brother <i>Shandy</i>,
+twenty toises.&mdash;If there was no firing, said <i>Yorick</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Well&mdash;said my father, with a full aspiration, and pausing a
+while after the word&mdash;Was I a judge, and the laws of the country
+which made me one permitted it, I&nbsp;would condemn some of the worst
+malefactors, provided they had had their
+clergy&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;<i>Yorick</i>,
+foreseeing the sentence was likely to end with no sort of mercy, laid
+his hand upon my father’s breast, and begged he would respite it for a
+few minutes, till he asked the corporal a
+question.&mdash;&mdash;Prithee, <i>Trim</i>, said <i>Yorick</i>, without
+staying for my father’s leave,&mdash;tell us honestly&mdash;what is thy
+opinion concerning this self-same radical heat and radical moisture?</p>
+
+<p>With humble submission to his honour’s better judgment, quoth the
+corporal, making a bow to my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;Speak thy opinion
+freely, corporal, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;The poor fellow is my
+servant,&mdash;not my slave,&mdash;added my uncle <i>Toby</i>, turning
+to my <span class = "locked">father.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The corporal put his hat under his left arm, and with his stick
+hanging upon the wrist of it, by a black thong split into a tassel about
+the knot, he marched up to the ground where he had performed his
+catechism; then touching his under-jaw with the thumb and fingers of his
+right-hand before he opened his mouth,&mdash;&mdash;he delivered his
+notion thus.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXXXIX" id = "bookV_chapXXXIX">
+CHAPTER XXXIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Just</span> as the corporal was humming, to
+begin&mdash;in waddled Dr. <i>Slop</i>.&mdash;’Tis not two-pence
+matter&mdash;the corporal shall go on in the next chapter, let who will
+come <span class = "locked">in.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Well, my good doctor, cried my father sportively, for the transitions
+of his passions were unaccountably sudden,&mdash;and what has this whelp
+of mine to say to the matter?</p>
+
+<p>Had my father been asking after the amputation of the tail of a
+puppy-dog&mdash;he could not have done it in a more careless air: the
+system which Dr. <i>Slop</i> had laid down, to treat the accident by, no
+way allowed of such a mode of enquiry.&mdash;He sat down.</p>
+
+<p>Pray, Sir, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, in a manner which could
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page295" id = "page295">295</a></span>
+not go unanswered,&mdash;in what condition is the boy?&mdash;’Twill end
+in a <i>phimosis</i>, replied Dr. <i>Slop</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I am no wiser than I was, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;returning
+his pipe into his mouth.&mdash;&mdash;Then let the corporal go on, said
+my father, with his medical lecture.&mdash;The corporal made a bow to
+his old friend, Dr. <i>Slop</i>, and then delivered his opinion
+concerning radical heat and radical moisture, in the following
+words.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXL" id = "bookV_chapXL">
+CHAPTER XL</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> city of <i>Limerick</i>, the
+siege of which was begun under his majesty king <i>William</i> himself,
+the year after I went into the army&mdash;lies, an’ please your honours,
+in the middle of a devilish wet, swampy country.&mdash;’Tis quite
+surrounded, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, with the <i>Shannon</i>, and is,
+by its situation, one of the strongest fortified places in <span class =
+"locked"><i>Ireland</i>.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I think this is a new fashion, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, of beginning a
+medical lecture.&mdash;’Tis all true, answered <i>Trim</i>.&mdash;Then I
+wish the faculty would follow the cut of it, said
+<i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;’Tis all cut through, an’ please your reverence,
+said the corporal, with drains and bogs; and besides, there was such a
+quantity of rain fell during the siege, the whole country was like a
+puddle,&mdash;’twas that, and nothing else, which brought on the flux,
+and which had like to have killed both his honour and myself; now there
+was no such thing, after the first ten days, continued the corporal, for
+a soldier to lie dry in his tent, without cutting a ditch round it, to
+draw off the water;&mdash;nor was that enough, for those who could
+afford it, as his honour could, without setting fire every night to a
+pewter dish full of brandy, which took off the damp of the air, and made
+the inside of the tent as warm as a <span class =
+"locked">stove.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>And what conclusion dost thou draw, corporal <i>Trim</i>, cried my
+father, from all these premises?</p>
+
+<p>I infer, an’ please your worship, replied <i>Trim</i>, that the
+radical moisture is nothing in the world but ditch-water&mdash;and that
+the radical heat, of those who can go to the expence of it, is burnt
+brandy,&mdash;the radical heat and moisture of a private man, an’ please
+your honour, is nothing but ditch-water&mdash;and a dram of
+geneva&mdash;&mdash;and give us but enough of it, with a pipe of
+tobacco, to give us spirits, and drive away the vapours&mdash;we know
+not what it is to fear death.</p>
+
+<p>I am at a loss, Captain <i>Shandy</i>, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, to
+determine
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page296" id = "page296">296</a></span>
+in which branch of learning your servant shines most, whether in
+physiology or divinity.&mdash;<i>Slop</i> had not forgot <i>Trim’s</i>
+comment upon the <span class = "locked">sermon.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>It is but an hour ago, replied <i>Yorick</i>, since the corporal was
+examined in the latter, and pass’d muster with great <span class =
+"locked">honour.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The radical heat and moisture, quoth Dr. <i>Slop</i>, turning to my
+father, you must know, is the basis and foundation of our being&mdash;as
+the root of a tree is the source and principle of its
+vegetation.&mdash;It is inherent in the seeds of all animals, and may be
+preserved sundry ways, but principally in my opinion by
+<i>consubstantials</i>, <i>impriments</i>, and
+<i>occludents</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Now this poor fellow, continued Dr.
+<i>Slop</i>, pointing to the corporal, has had the misfortune to have
+heard some superficial empiric discourse upon this nice
+point.&mdash;&mdash;That he has,&mdash;said my father.&mdash;&mdash;Very
+likely, said my uncle.&mdash;I’m sure of it&mdash;quoth <span class =
+"locked"><i>Yorick</i>.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXLI" id = "bookV_chapXLI">
+CHAPTER XLI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Doctor</span> <i>Slop</i> being called out
+to look at a cataplasm he had ordered, it gave my father an opportunity
+of going on with another chapter in the
+<i>Tristra-pædia</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Come! cheer up, my lads; I’ll shew
+you land&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;for when we have tugged through that
+chapter, the book shall not be opened again this <span class =
+"locked">twelve-month.&mdash;Huzza!&mdash;</span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXLII" id = "bookV_chapXLII">
+CHAPTER XLII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">Five</span> years with a bib
+under his chin;</p>
+
+<p>Four years in travelling from Christ-cross-row to <i>Malachi</i>;</p>
+
+<p>A year and a half in learning to write his own name;</p>
+
+<p>Seven long years and more <span class = "greek" title =
+"tuptô">τυπτω</span>-ing it, at Greek and Latin;</p>
+
+<p>Four years at his <i>probations</i> and his
+<i>negations</i>&mdash;the fine statue still lying in the middle of the
+marble block,&mdash;and nothing done, but his tools sharpened to hew it
+out!&mdash;’Tis a piteous delay!&mdash;Was not the great <i>Julius
+Scaliger</i> within an ace of never getting his tools sharpened at
+all?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Forty-four years old was he before he could
+manage his Greek;&mdash;and <i>Peter Damianus</i>, lord bishop of
+<i>Ostia</i>, as all the world knows, could not so much as read, when he
+was of man’s estate.&mdash;And <i>Baldus</i> himself, as eminent as he
+turned out after, entered upon the law so late in life, that everybody
+imagined he intended to be an advocate in
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page297" id = "page297">297</a></span>
+the other world: no wonder, when <i>Eudamidas</i>, the son of
+<i>Archidamas</i>, heard <i>Xenocrates</i> at seventy-five disputing
+about <i>wisdom</i>, that he asked gravely,&mdash;<i>If the old man be
+yet disputing and enquiring concerning wisdom,&mdash;what time will he
+have to make use of it?</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Yorick</i> listened to my father with great attention; there was a
+seasoning of wisdom unaccountably mixed up with his strangest whims, and
+he had sometimes such illuminations in the darkest of his eclipses, as
+almost atoned for them:&mdash;be wary, Sir, when you imitate him.</p>
+
+<p>I am convinced, <i>Yorick</i>, continued my father, half reading and
+half discoursing, that there is a North-west passage to the intellectual
+world; and that the soul of man has shorter ways of going to work, in
+furnishing itself with knowledge and instruction, than we generally take
+with it.&mdash;&mdash;But, alack! all fields have not a river or a
+spring running besides them;&mdash;every child, <i>Yorick</i>, has not a
+parent to point it out.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The whole entirely depends, added my father, in a low
+voice, upon the <i>auxiliary verbs</i>, Mr. <i>Yorick</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Had <i>Yorick</i> trod upon <i>Virgil’s</i> snake, he could not have
+looked more surprised.&mdash;I&nbsp;am surprised too, cried my father,
+observing it,&mdash;and I reckon it as one of the greatest calamities
+which ever befel the republic of letters, That those who have been
+entrusted with the education of our children, and whose business it was
+to open their minds, and stock them early with ideas, in order to set
+the imagination loose upon them, have made so little use of the
+auxiliary verbs in doing it, as they have done&mdash;&mdash;So that,
+except <i>Raymond Lullius</i>, and the elder <i>Pelegrini</i>, the last
+of which arrived to such perfection in the use of ’em, with his topics,
+that, in a few lessons, he could teach a young gentleman to discourse
+with plausibility upon any subject, <i>pro</i> and <i>con</i>, and to
+say and write all that could be spoken or written concerning it, without
+blotting a word, to the admiration of all who beheld
+him.&mdash;I&nbsp;should be glad, said <i>Yorick</i>, interrupting my
+father, to be made to comprehend this matter. You shall, said my
+father.</p>
+
+<p>The highest stretch of improvement a single word is capable of, is a
+high metaphor,&mdash;&mdash;for which, in my opinion, the idea is
+generally the worse, and not the better;&mdash;&mdash;but be that as it
+may,&mdash;when the mind has done that with it&mdash;there is an
+end,&mdash;the mind and the idea are at rest,&mdash;until a second idea
+enters;&mdash;&mdash;and so&nbsp;on.</p>
+
+<p>Now the use of the <i>Auxiliaries</i> is, at once to set the soul
+a-going
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page298" id = "page298">298</a></span>
+by herself upon the materials as they are brought her; and by the
+versability of this great engine, round which they are twisted, to open
+new tracts of enquiry, and make every idea engender millions.</p>
+
+<p>You excite my curiosity greatly, said <i>Yorick</i>.</p>
+
+<p>For my own part, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, I have given it
+up.&mdash;&mdash;The <i>Danes</i>, an’ please your honour, quoth the
+corporal, who were on the left at the siege of <i>Limerick</i>, were all
+auxiliaries.&mdash;&mdash;And very good ones, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;But the auxiliaries, <i>Trim</i>, my brother is
+talking about,&mdash;I&nbsp;conceive to be different <span class =
+"locked">things.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;You do? said my father, rising up.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookV_chapXLIII" id = "bookV_chapXLIII">
+CHAPTER XLIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> father took a single turn across
+the room, then sat down, and finished the chapter.</p>
+
+<p>The verbs auxiliary we are concerned in here, continued my father,
+are, <i>am</i>; <i>was</i>; <i>have</i>; <i>had</i>; <i>do</i>;
+<i>did</i>; <i>make</i>; <i>made</i>; <i>suffer</i>; <i>shall</i>;
+<i>should</i>; <i>will</i>; <i>would</i>; <i>can</i>; <i>could</i>;
+<i>owe</i>; <i>ought</i>; <i>used</i>; or <i>is wont</i>.&mdash;And
+these varied with tenses, <i>present</i>, <i>past</i>, <i>future</i>,
+and conjugated with the verb <i>see</i>,&mdash;or with these questions
+added to them;&mdash;<i>Is it? Was it? Will it be? Would it be? May it
+be? Might it be?</i> And these again put negatively, <i>Is it not? Was
+it not? Ought it not?</i>&mdash;Or affirmatively,&mdash;<i>It is</i>;
+<i>It was</i>; <i>It ought to be</i>. Or chronologically,&mdash;<i>Has
+it been always? Lately? How long ago?</i>&mdash;Or
+hypothetically,&mdash;<i>If it was? If it was not?</i> What would
+follow?&mdash;&mdash;If the <i>French</i> should beat the
+<i>English?</i> If the <i>Sun</i> go out of the <i>Zodiac?</i></p>
+
+<p>Now, by the right use and application of these, continued my father,
+in which a child’s memory should be exercised, there is no one idea can
+enter his brain, how barren soever, but a magazine of conceptions and
+conclusions may be drawn forth from it.&mdash;&mdash;Didst thou ever see
+a white bear? cried my father, turning his head round to <i>Trim</i>,
+who stood at the back of his chair:&mdash;No, an’ please your honour,
+replied the corporal.&mdash;&mdash;But thou couldst discourse about one,
+<i>Trim</i>, said my father, in case of need?&mdash;How is it possible,
+brother, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, if the corporal never saw
+one?&mdash;&mdash;’Tis the fact I want, replied my father,&mdash;and the
+possibility of it is as follows.</p>
+
+<p><span class = "smallcaps">A white bear!</span> Very well. Have I ever
+seen one? Might
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page299" id = "page299">299</a></span>
+I ever have seen one? Am I ever to see one? Ought I ever to have seen
+one? Or can I ever see one?</p>
+
+<p>Would I had seen a white bear! (for how can I imagine it?)</p>
+
+<p>If I should see a white bear, what would I say? If I should never see
+a white bear, what then?</p>
+
+<p>If I never have, can, must, or shall see a white bear alive; have I
+ever seen the skin of one? Did I ever see one painted?&mdash;described?
+Have I never dreamed of one?</p>
+
+<p>Did my father, mother, uncle, aunt, brothers or sisters, ever see a
+white bear? What would they give? How would they behave? How would the
+white bear have behaved? Is he wild? Tame? Terrible? Rough? Smooth?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Is the white bear worth seeing?&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Is there no sin in it?&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Is it better than a <span class = "smallroman">BLACK ONE</span>?</p>
+
+<div class = "footnote">
+
+<p><a name = "note_5_1" id = "note_5_1" href = "#tag_5_1">1.</a>
+This book my father would never consent to publish; ’tis in manuscript,
+with some other tracts of his, in the family, all, or most of which will
+be printed in due time.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_5_2" id = "note_5_2" href = "#tag_5_2">2.</a>
+Mr. <i>Shandy</i> is supposed to mean ******** *** Esq.; member for
+******, &mdash;&mdash;and not the <i>Chinese</i> Legislator.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_5_3" id = "note_5_3" href = "#tag_5_3">3.</a>
+<span class = "greek"
+title = "Chalepês nosou, kai dusiatou apallagên, hên anthraka kalousin.">Χαλεπῆς νόσου, καὶ δυσιάτου <ins class =
+"correction" title = "printed ἀπαλλαγὴ [apallagê]">ἀπαλλαγὴν</ins>, ἣν
+ἄνθρακα καλοῦσιν.</span>&mdash;<span class =
+"smallcaps">Philo</span>.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_5_4" id = "note_5_4" href = "#tag_5_4">4.</a>
+<span class = "greek"
+title = "Ta temnomena tôn ethnôn polugonôtata, kai poluanthrôpotata einai.">Τὰ τεμνόμενα τῶν ἐθνῶν τολυγονώτατα, καὶ
+πολυανθρωπότατα εἶναι.</span></p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_5_5" id = "note_5_5" href = "#tag_5_5">5.</a>
+<span class = "greek" title = "Kathariotêtos heineken.">Καθαριότητος
+ξ៾νξκξν.</span>&mdash;<span class = "smallcaps">Bochart</span>.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_5_6" id = "note_5_6" href = "#tag_5_6">6.</a>
+<span class = "greek"
+title = "Ho Ilos, ta aidoia peritemnetai, tauto poiêsai kai tous ham’ autô summachous katanankasas.">Ὁ Ἶλος, τὰ αἰδοῖα
+περιτέμνεται, ταὐτὸ ποιῆσαι καὶ τοὺς ἅμ’ αυτῷ συμμάχους
+καταναγκάσας.</span>&mdash;<span class =
+"smallcaps">Sanchuniatho.</span></p>
+
+<p class = "mynote">
+Note 6 as printed: Ὁ Ιλος, τὰ ἀιδοῖα περιτέμνεται, τἀυτὸ ποῖησαι καὶ
+τοὺς ἅμ’ αυτῷ συμμὰχους καταναγκάσας. The errors in the diacritics do
+not affect the transliteration.</p>
+
+</div>
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page300" id = "page300">300</a></span>
+<h3><a name = "bookVI" id = "bookVI">BOOK VI</a></h3>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapI" id = "bookVI_chapI">
+CHAPTER I</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">We</span>’ll not stop two
+moments, my dear Sir,&mdash;only, as we have got through these five
+volumes,<a class = "tag" name = "tag_6_1" id = "tag_6_1" href =
+"#note_6_1">1</a> (do,&nbsp;Sir, sit down upon a set&mdash;&mdash;they
+are better than nothing) let us just look back upon the country we have
+pass’d <span class = "locked">through.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;What a wilderness has it been! and what a mercy that we
+have not both of us been lost, or devoured by wild beasts
+in&nbsp;it!</p>
+
+<p>Did you think the world itself, Sir, had contained such a number of
+Jack Asses?&mdash;&mdash;How they view’d and review’d us as we passed
+over the rivulet at the bottom of that little valley!&mdash;&mdash;and
+when we climbed over that hill, and were just getting out of
+sight&mdash;good God! what a braying did they all set up together!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Prithee, shepherd! who keeps all those Jack Asses? * *
+*</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Heaven be their comforter&mdash;&mdash;What! are they
+never curried?&mdash;&mdash;Are they never taken in in
+winter?&mdash;&mdash;Bray bray&mdash;bray. Bray on,&mdash;the world is
+deeply your debtor;&mdash;&mdash;louder still&mdash;that’s
+nothing:&mdash;in good sooth, you are ill-used:&mdash;&mdash;Was I a
+Jack Asse, I&nbsp;solemnly declare, I&nbsp;would bray in G-fol-re-ut
+from morning, even unto night.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapII" id = "bookVI_chapII">
+CHAPTER II</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> my father had danced his white
+bear backwards and forwards through half a dozen pages, he closed the
+book for good an’ all,&mdash;and in a kind of triumph redelivered it
+into <i>Trim’s</i> hand, with a nod to lay it upon the ’scrutoire, where
+he found it.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Tristram</i>, said he, shall be made to
+conjugate every word in the dictionary, backwards and forwards the same
+way;&mdash;&mdash;every word, <i>Yorick</i>, by this means, you see, is
+converted into a thesis or an hypothesis;&mdash;every thesis and
+hypothesis have an offspring of propositions;&mdash;and each proposition
+has its own consequences
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page301" id = "page301">301</a></span>
+and conclusions; every one of which leads the mind on again, into fresh
+tracks of enquiries and doubtings.&mdash;&mdash;The force of this
+engine, added my father, is incredible in opening a child’s
+head.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis enough, brother <i>Shandy</i>, cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, to burst it into a thousand <span class =
+"locked">splinters.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I presume, said <i>Yorick</i>, smiling,&mdash;it must be owing to
+this,&mdash;&mdash;(for let logicians say what they will, it is not to
+be accounted for sufficiently from the bare use of the ten
+predicaments)&mdash;&mdash;That the famous <i>Vincent Quirino</i>,
+amongst the many other astonishing feats of his childhood, of which the
+Cardinal <i>Bembo</i> has given the world so exact a story,&mdash;should
+be able to paste up in the public schools at <i>Rome</i>, so early as in
+the eighth year of his age, no less than four thousand five hundred and
+fifty different theses, upon the most abstruse points of the most
+abstruse theology;&mdash;and to defend and maintain them in such sort,
+as to cramp and dumbfound his opponents.&mdash;&mdash;What is that,
+cried my father, to what is told us of <i>Alphonsus Tostatus</i>, who,
+almost in his nurse’s arms, learned all the sciences and liberal arts
+without being taught any one of them?&mdash;&mdash;What shall we say of
+the great <i>Piereskius?</i>&mdash;That’s the very man, cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, I&nbsp;once told you of, brother <i>Shandy</i>, who walked
+a matter of five hundred miles, reckoning from <i>Paris</i> to
+<i>Shevling</i>, and from <i>Shevling</i> back again, merely to see
+<i>Stevinus’s</i> flying chariot.&mdash;&mdash;He was a very great man!
+added my uncle <i>Toby</i> (meaning <i>Stevinus</i>)&mdash;He was so,
+brother <i>Toby</i>, said my father (meaning
+<i>Piereskius</i>)&mdash;&mdash;and had multiplied his ideas so fast,
+and increased his knowledge to such a prodigious stock, that, if we may
+give credit to an anecdote concerning him, which we cannot withhold
+here, without shaking the authority of all anecdotes whatever&mdash;at
+seven years of age, his father committed entirely to his care the
+education of his younger brother, a&nbsp;boy of five years
+old,&mdash;with the sole management of all his concerns.&mdash;Was the
+father as wise as the son? quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>:&mdash;I&nbsp;should think not, said
+<i>Yorick</i>:&mdash;But what are these, continued my
+father&mdash;(breaking out in a kind of enthusiasm)&mdash;what are
+these, to those prodigies of childhood in <i>Grotius</i>,
+<i>Scioppius</i>, <i>Heinsius</i>, <i>Politian</i>, <i>Pascal</i>,
+<i>Joseph Scaliger</i>, <i>Ferdinand de Cordouè</i>, and
+others&mdash;some of which left off their <i>substantial forms</i> at
+nine years old, or sooner, and went on reasoning without
+them;&mdash;others went through their classics at seven;&mdash;wrote
+tragedies at eight;&mdash;<i>Ferdinand de Cordouè</i> was so wise at
+nine,&mdash;’twas thought the Devil was in him;&mdash;and at
+<i>Venice</i> gave such proofs of his knowledge and goodness, that the
+monks imagined he
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page302" id = "page302">302</a></span>
+was <i>Antichrist</i>, or nothing.&mdash;&mdash;Others were masters of
+fourteen languages at ten,&mdash;finished the course of their rhetoric,
+poetry, logic, and ethics, at eleven,&mdash;put forth their commentaries
+upon <i>Servius</i> and <i>Martianus Capella</i> at twelve,&mdash;and at
+thirteen received their degrees in philosophy, laws, and
+divinity:&mdash;&mdash;But you forget the great <i>Lipsius</i>, quoth
+<i>Yorick</i>, who composed a work<a class = "tag" name = "tag_6_2" id =
+"tag_6_2" href = "#note_6_2">2</a> the day he was
+born:&mdash;&mdash;They should have wiped it up, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, and said no more about&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapIII" id = "bookVI_chapIII">
+CHAPTER III</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> the cataplasm was ready, a
+scruple of <i>decorum</i> had unseasonably rose up in <i>Susannah’s</i>
+conscience about holding the candle, whilst <i>Slop</i> tied it on;
+<i>Slop</i> had not treated <i>Susannah’s</i> distemper with
+anodynes,&mdash;and so a quarrel had ensued betwixt them.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Oh! oh!&mdash;&mdash;said <i>Slop</i>, casting a glance
+of undue freedom in <i>Susannah’s</i> face, as she declined the
+office;&mdash;&mdash;then, I&nbsp;think I know you,
+madam&mdash;&mdash;You know me, Sir! cried <i>Susannah</i> fastidiously,
+and with a toss of her head, levelled evidently, not at his profession,
+but at the doctor himself,&mdash;&mdash;you know me! cried
+<i>Susannah</i> again.&mdash;&mdash;Doctor <i>Slop</i> clapped his
+finger and his thumb instantly upon his
+nostrils;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Susannah’s</i> spleen was ready to burst at
+it;&mdash;&mdash;’Tis false, said <i>Susannah</i>.&mdash;Come, come,
+Mrs. Modesty, said <i>Slop</i>, not a little elated with the success of
+his last thrust,&mdash;&mdash;If you won’t hold the candle, and
+look&mdash;you may hold it and shut your eyes:&mdash;That’s one of your
+popish shifts, cried <i>Susannah</i>:&mdash;’Tis better, said
+<i>Slop</i>, with a nod, than no shift at all, young
+woman;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;defy you, Sir, cried <i>Susannah</i>, pulling
+her shift sleeve below her elbow.</p>
+
+<p>It was almost impossible for two persons to assist each other in a
+surgical case with a more splenetic cordiality.</p>
+
+<p><i>Slop</i> snatched up the cataplasm,&mdash;&mdash;<i>Susannah</i>
+snatched up the candle;&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;little this way, said
+<i>Slop</i>; <i>Susannah</i> looking one way, and rowing another,
+instantly set fire to <i>Slop’s</i> wig, which being somewhat bushy and
+unctuous withal, was burnt out
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page303" id = "page303">303</a></span>
+before it was well kindled.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;You impudent whore!
+cried <i>Slop</i>,&mdash;(for what is passion, but a wild
+beast?)&mdash;you impudent whore, cried <i>Slop</i>, getting upright,
+with the cataplasm in his hand;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never was the
+destruction of anybody’s nose, said <i>Susannah</i>,&mdash;which is more
+than you can say:&mdash;&mdash;Is it? cried <i>Slop</i>, throwing the
+cataplasm in her face;&mdash;&mdash;Yes, it is, cried <i>Susannah</i>,
+returning the compliment with what was left in the pan.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapIV" id = "bookVI_chapIV">
+CHAPTER IV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Doctor</span> <i>Slop</i> and
+<i>Susannah</i> filed cross-bills against each other in the parlour;
+which done, as the cataplasm had failed, they retired into the kitchen
+to prepare a fomentation for me;&mdash;and whilst that was doing, my
+father determined the point as you will read.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapV" id = "bookVI_chapV">
+CHAPTER V</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">You</span> see ’tis high time, said my
+father, addressing himself equally to my uncle <i>Toby</i> and
+<i>Yorick</i>, to take this young creature out of these women’s hands,
+and put him into those of a private governor. <i>Marcus Antoninus</i>
+provided fourteen governors all at once to superintend his son
+<i>Commodus’s</i> education,&mdash;and in six weeks he cashiered five of
+them;&mdash;I&nbsp;know very well, continued my father, that
+<i>Commodus’s</i> mother was in love with a gladiator at the time of her
+conception, which accounts for a great many of <i>Commodus’s</i>
+cruelties when he became emperor;&mdash;but still I am of opinion, that
+those five whom <i>Antoninus</i> dismissed, did <i>Commodus’s</i>
+temper, in that short time, more hurt than the other nine were able to
+rectify all their lives long.</p>
+
+<p>Now as I consider the person who is to be about my son, as the mirror
+in which he is to view himself from morning to night, and by which he is
+to adjust his looks, his carriage, and perhaps the inmost sentiments of
+his heart;&mdash;I&nbsp;would have one, <i>Yorick</i>, if possible,
+polished at all points, fit for my child to look into.&mdash;&mdash;This
+is very good sense, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i> to himself.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;There is, continued my father, a certain mien and
+motion of the body and all its parts, both in acting and speaking, which
+argues a man <i>well within</i>; and I am not at all surprised that
+<i>Gregory</i> of <i>Nazianzum</i>, upon observing the hasty and
+untoward gestures of <i>Julian</i>, should foretel he would one day
+become an apostate;&mdash;&mdash;or that St. <i>Ambrose</i> should turn
+his <i>Amanuensis</i>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page304" id = "page304">304</a></span>
+out of doors, because of an indecent motion of his head, which went
+backwards and forwards like a flail;&mdash;&mdash;or that
+<i>Democritus</i> should conceive <i>Protagoras</i> to be a scholar,
+from seeing him bind up a faggot, and thrusting, as he did it, the small
+twigs inwards.&mdash;&mdash;There are a thousand unnoticed openings,
+continued my father, which let a penetrating eye at once into a man’s
+soul; and I maintain it, added he, that a man of sense does not lay down
+his hat in coming into a room,&mdash;or take it up in going out of it,
+but something escapes, which discovers him.</p>
+
+<p>It is for these reasons, continued my father, that the governor I
+make choice of shall neither<a class = "tag" name = "tag_6_3" id =
+"tag_6_3" href = "#note_6_3">3</a> lisp, or squint, or wink, or talk
+loud, or look fierce, or foolish;&mdash;&mdash;or bite his lips, or
+grind his teeth, or speak through his nose, or pick it, or blow it with
+his <span class = "locked">fingers.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>He shall neither walk fast,&mdash;or slow, or fold his
+arms,&mdash;for that is laziness;&mdash;or hang them down,&mdash;for
+that is folly; or hide them in his pocket, for that is <span class =
+"locked">nonsense.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>He shall neither strike, or pinch, or tickle,&mdash;or bite, or cut
+his nails, or hawk, or spit, or snift, or drum with his feet or fingers
+in company;&mdash;&mdash;nor (according to <i>Erasmus</i>) shall he
+speak to any one in making water,&mdash;nor shall he point to carrion or
+excrement.&mdash;&mdash;Now this is all nonsense again, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> to <span class = "locked">himself.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I will have him, continued my father, chearful, facetĂŠ, jovial; at
+the same time, prudent, attentive to business, vigilant, acute, argute,
+inventive, quick in resolving doubts and speculative
+questions;&mdash;&mdash;he shall be wise, and judicious, and
+learned:&mdash;&mdash;And why not humble, and moderate, and
+gentle-tempered, and good? said <i>Yorick</i>:&mdash;&mdash;And why not,
+cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>, free, and generous, and bountiful, and
+brave?&mdash;&mdash;He shall, my dear <i>Toby</i>, replied my father,
+getting up and shaking him by the hand.&mdash;Then, brother
+<i>Shandy</i>, answered my uncle <i>Toby</i>, raising himself off the
+chair, and laying down his pipe to take hold of my father’s other
+hand,&mdash;I&nbsp;humbly beg I may recommend poor <i>Le Fever’s</i> son
+to you;&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;tear of joy of the first water sparkled in
+my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> eye, and another, the fellow to it, in the
+corporal’s, as the proposition was made;&mdash;&mdash;you will see why
+when you read <i>Le Fever’s</i> story:&mdash;&mdash;fool that I was! nor
+can I recollect (nor perhaps you) without turning back to the place,
+what it was that hindered me from letting the corporal tell it in his
+own words;&mdash;but the occasion is lost,&mdash;I&nbsp;must tell it now
+in my own.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page305" id = "page305">305</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapVI" id = "bookVI_chapVI">
+CHAPTER VI</a></h4>
+
+<h5><a name = "bookVI_lefever" id = "bookVI_lefever">
+THE STORY OF LE FEVER</a></h5>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> was some time in the summer of
+that year in which <i>Dendermond</i> was taken by the
+allies,&mdash;which was about seven years before my father came into the
+country,&mdash;and about as many, after the time, that my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> and <i>Trim</i> had privately decamped from my father’s
+house in town, in order to lay some of the finest sieges to some of the
+finest fortified cities in <i>Europe</i>&mdash;&mdash;when my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> was one evening getting his supper, with <i>Trim</i> sitting
+behind him at a small sideboard,&mdash;I&nbsp;say, sitting&mdash;for in
+consideration of the corporal’s lame knee (which sometimes gave him
+exquisite pain)&mdash;when my uncle <i>Toby</i> dined or supped alone,
+he would never suffer the corporal to stand; and the poor fellow’s
+veneration for his master was such, that, with a proper artillery, my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> could have taken <i>Dendermond</i> itself, with less
+trouble than he was able to gain this point over him; for many a time
+when my uncle <i>Toby</i> supposed the corporal’s leg was at rest, he
+would look back, and detect him standing behind him with the most
+dutiful respect: this bred more little squabbles betwixt them, than all
+other causes for five-and-twenty years together&mdash;But this is
+neither here nor there&mdash;why do I mention it?&mdash;&mdash;Ask my
+pen,&mdash;it governs me,&mdash;I&nbsp;govern not&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>He was one evening sitting thus at his supper, when the landlord of a
+little inn in the village came into the parlour, with an empty phial in
+his hand, to beg a glass or two of sack; ’Tis for a poor
+gentleman,&mdash;I&nbsp;think, of the army, said the landlord, who has
+been taken ill at my house four days ago, and has never held up his head
+since, or had a desire to taste anything, till just now, that he has a
+fancy for a glass of sack and a thin toast,&mdash;&mdash;<i>I think</i>,
+says he, taking his hand from his forehead, <i>it would comfort
+me</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;If I could neither beg, borrow, or buy such a
+thing&mdash;added the landlord,&mdash;I&nbsp;would almost steal it for
+the poor gentleman, he is so ill.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;hope in God he
+will still mend, continued he,&mdash;we are all of us concerned for
+him.</p>
+
+<p>Thou art a good-natured soul, I will answer for thee, cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>; and thou shalt drink the poor gentleman’s health in a glass
+of sack thyself,&mdash;and take a couple of bottles with my service, and
+tell him he is heartily welcome to them, and to a dozen more if they
+will do him good.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page306" id = "page306">306</a></span>
+<p>Though I am persuaded, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, as the landlord
+shut the door, he is a very compassionate
+fellow&mdash;<i>Trim</i>,&mdash;yet I cannot help entertaining a high
+opinion of his guest too; there must be something more than common in
+him, that in so short a time should win so much upon the affections of
+his host;&mdash;&mdash;And of his whole family, added the corporal, for
+they are all concerned for him.&mdash;&mdash;Step after him, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;do, <i>Trim</i>,&mdash;and ask if he knows his
+name.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I have quite forgot it truly, said the landlord, coming
+back into the parlour with the corporal,&mdash;but I can ask his son
+again:&mdash;&mdash;Has he a son with him then? said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.&mdash;A&nbsp;boy, replied the landlord, of about eleven or
+twelve years of age;&mdash;but the poor creature has tasted almost as
+little as his father; he does nothing but mourn and lament for him night
+and day:&mdash;&mdash;He has not stirred from the bed-side these two
+days.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> laid down his knife and fork, and thrust his
+plate from before him, as the landlord gave him the account; and
+<i>Trim</i>, without being ordered, took away, without saying one word,
+and in a few minutes after brought him his pipe and tobacco.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Stay in the room a little, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Trim!</i>&mdash;&mdash;said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, after he lighted
+his pipe, and smoak’d about a dozen whiffs.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim</i>
+came in front of his master, and made his bow;&mdash;my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> smoak’d on, and said no more.&mdash;&mdash;Corporal! said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;the corporal made his
+bow.&mdash;&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i> proceeded no farther, but
+finished his pipe.</p>
+
+<p><i>Trim!</i> said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, I have a project in my head,
+as it is a bad night, of wrapping myself up warm in my roquelaure, and
+paying a visit to this poor gentleman.&mdash;&mdash;Your honour’s
+roquelaure, replied the corporal, has not once been had on, since the
+night before your honour received your wound, when we mounted guard in
+the trenches before the gate of St. <i>Nicolas</i>;&mdash;&mdash;and
+besides, it is so cold and rainy a night, that what with the roquelaure,
+and what with the weather, ’twill be enough to give your honour your
+death, and bring on your honour’s torment in your groin. I&nbsp;fear so,
+replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>; but I am not at rest in my mind,
+<i>Trim</i>, since the account the landlord has given
+me.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish I had not known so much of this
+affair,&mdash;added my uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;or that I had known more
+of it:&mdash;&mdash;How shall we manage it? Leave it, an’t please your
+honour, to me, quoth the corporal;&mdash;&mdash;I’ll take my hat and
+stick and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page307" id = "page307">307</a></span>
+go to the house and reconnoitre, and act accordingly; and I will bring
+your honour a full account in an hour.&mdash;&mdash;Thou shalt go,
+<i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, and here’s a shilling for thee
+to drink with his servant.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;shall get it all out of
+him, said the corporal, shutting the door.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> filled his second pipe; and had it not been,
+that he now and then wandered from the point, with considering whether
+it was not full as well to have the curtain of the tenaille a straight
+line, as a crooked one,&mdash;he might be said to have thought of
+nothing else but poor <i>Le Fever</i> and his boy the whole time he
+smoaked&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapVII" id = "bookVI_chapVII">
+CHAPTER VII</a></h4>
+
+<h5>THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED</h5>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> was not till my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+had knocked the ashes out of his third pipe, that corporal <i>Trim</i>
+returned from the inn, and gave him the following account.</p>
+
+<p>I despaired, at first, said the corporal, of being able to bring back
+your honour any kind of intelligence concerning the poor sick
+lieutenant&mdash;Is he in the army, then? said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;He is, said the corporal&mdash;&mdash;And in
+what regiment? said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;I’ll tell your
+honour, replied the corporal, everything straight forwards, as I learnt
+it.&mdash;Then, <i>Trim</i>, I’ll fill another pipe, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, and not interrupt thee till thou hast done; so sit down at
+thy ease, <i>Trim</i>, in the window-seat, and begin thy story again.
+The corporal made his old bow, which generally spoke as plain as a bow
+could speak it&mdash;<i>Your honour is good</i>:&mdash;&mdash;And having
+done that, he sat down, as he was ordered,&mdash;and began the story to
+my uncle <i>Toby</i> over again in pretty near the same words.</p>
+
+<p>I despaired at first, said the corporal, of being able to bring back
+any intelligence to your honour, about the lieutenant and his son; for
+when I asked where his servant was, from whom I made myself sure of
+knowing everything which was proper to be asked,&mdash;That’s a right
+distinction, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;I&nbsp;was
+answered, an’ please your honour, that he had no servant with
+him;&mdash;&mdash;that he had come to the inn with hired horses, which,
+upon finding himself unable to proceed (to&nbsp;join, I&nbsp;suppose,
+the regiment), he had dismissed the morning after he came.&mdash;If I
+get better, my dear, said he, as he gave his purse to his son to pay the
+man,&mdash;we can hire horses from hence.&mdash;&mdash;But
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page308" id = "page308">308</a></span>
+alas! the poor gentleman will never get from hence, said the landlady to
+me,&mdash;for I heard the death-watch all night long;&mdash;&mdash;and
+when he dies, the youth, his son, will certainly die with him, for he is
+broken-hearted already.</p>
+
+<p>I was hearing this account, continued the corporal, when the youth
+came into the kitchen, to order the thin toast the landlord spoke
+of;&mdash;&mdash;but I will do it for my father myself, said the
+youth.&mdash;&mdash;Pray let me save you the trouble, young gentleman,
+said I, taking up a fork for the purpose, and offering him my chair to
+sit down upon by the fire, whilst I did it.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;believe,
+Sir, said he, very modestly, I&nbsp;can please him best
+myself.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am sure, said I, his honour will not like
+the toast the worse for being toasted by an old
+soldier.&mdash;&mdash;The youth took hold of my hand, and instantly
+burst into tears.&mdash;&mdash;Poor youth! said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;he has been bred up from an infant in the army, and
+the name of a soldier, <i>Trim</i>, sounded in his ears like the name of
+a friend;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish I had him here.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I never, in the longest march, said the corporal, had
+so great a mind to my dinner, as I had to cry with him for
+company:&mdash;What could be the matter with me, an’ please your honour?
+Nothing in the world, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, blowing
+his nose,&mdash;but that thou art a good-natured fellow.</p>
+
+<p>When I gave him the toast, continued the corporal, I thought it was
+proper to tell him I was captain <i>Shandy’s</i> servant, and that your
+honour (though a stranger) was extremely concerned for his
+father;&mdash;and that if there was any thing in your house or
+cellar&mdash;&mdash;(And thou might’st have added my purse too, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>)&mdash;&mdash;he was heartily welcome to
+it:&mdash;&mdash;He made a very low bow (which was meant to your
+honour), but no answer&mdash;for his heart was full&mdash;so he went up
+stairs with the toast;&mdash;I&nbsp;warrant you, my dear, said I, as I
+opened the kitchen-door, your father will be well
+again.&mdash;&mdash;Mr. <i>Yorick’s</i> curate was smoaking a pipe by
+the kitchen fire,&mdash;but said not a word good or bad to comfort the
+youth.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;thought it wrong; added the
+corporal&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;think so too, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>When the lieutenant had taken his glass of sack and toast, he felt
+himself a little revived, and sent down into the kitchen, to let me
+know, that in about ten minutes he should be glad if I would step up
+stairs.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;believe, said the landlord, he is going to
+say his prayers,&mdash;&mdash;for there was a book laid upon the chair
+by his bed-side, and as I shut the door, I&nbsp;saw his son take up a
+<span class = "locked">cushion.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I thought, said the curate, that you gentlemen of the army,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page309" id = "page309">309</a></span>
+Mr. <i>Trim</i>, never said your prayers at all.&mdash;&mdash;I heard
+the poor gentleman say his prayers last night, said the landlady, very
+devoutly, and with my own ears, or I could not have believed
+it.&mdash;&mdash;Are you sure of it? replied the
+curate.&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;soldier, an’ please your reverence, said I,
+prays as often (of&nbsp;his own accord) as a parson;&mdash;&mdash;and
+when he is fighting for his king, and for his own life, and for his
+honour too, he has the most reason to pray to God of any one in the
+whole world&mdash;&mdash;’Twas well said of thee, <i>Trim</i>, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;But when a soldier, said I, an’ please
+your reverence, has been standing for twelve hours together in the
+trenches, up to his knees in cold water,&mdash;or engaged, said I, for
+months together in long and dangerous marches;&mdash;harassed, perhaps,
+in his rear to-day;&mdash;harassing others to-morrow;&mdash;detached
+here;&mdash;countermanded there;&mdash;resting this night out upon his
+arms;&mdash;beat up in his shirt the next;&mdash;benumbed in his
+joints;&mdash;perhaps without straw in his tent to kneel on;&mdash;must
+say his prayers <i>how</i> and <i>when</i> he can.&mdash;I&nbsp;believe,
+said I,&mdash;for I was piqued, quoth the corporal, for the reputation
+of the army,&mdash;I&nbsp;believe, an’ please your reverence, said I,
+that when a soldier gets time to pray,&mdash;he prays as heartily as a
+parson,&mdash;though not with all his fuss and
+hypocrisy.&mdash;&mdash;Thou shouldst not have said that, <i>Trim</i>,
+said my uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;for God only knows who is a hypocrite,
+and who is not:&mdash;&mdash;At the great and general review of us all,
+corporal, at the day of judgment (and not till then)&mdash;it will be
+seen who has done their duties in this world,&mdash;and who has not; and
+we shall be advanced, <i>Trim</i>, accordingly.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;hope
+we shall, said <i>Trim</i>.&mdash;&mdash;It is in the Scripture, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>; and I will shew it thee to-morrow:&mdash;In the mean
+time we may depend upon it, <i>Trim</i>, for our comfort, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, that God Almighty is so good and just a governor of the
+world, that if we have but done our duties in it,&mdash;it will never be
+enquired into, whether we have done them in a red coat or a black
+one:&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;hope not, said the corporal&mdash;&mdash;But go
+on, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, with thy story.</p>
+
+<p>When I went up, continued the corporal, into the lieutenant’s room,
+which I did not do till the expiration of the ten minutes,&mdash;he was
+lying in his bed with his head raised upon his hand, with his elbow upon
+the pillow, and a clean white cambrick handkerchief beside
+it:&mdash;&mdash;The youth was just stooping down to take up the
+cushion, upon which I supposed he had been kneeling,&mdash;the book was
+laid upon the bed,&mdash;and, as he rose, in taking up the cushion with
+one hand, he reached out his other to take it away
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page310" id = "page310">310</a></span>
+at the same time.&mdash;&mdash;Let it remain there, my dear, said the
+lieutenant.</p>
+
+<p>He did not offer to speak to me, till I had walked up close to his
+bed-side:&mdash;If you are captain <i>Shandy’s</i> servant, said he, you
+must present my thanks to your master, with my little boy’s thanks along
+with them, for his courtesy to me;&mdash;if he was of
+<i>Leven’s</i>&mdash;said the lieutenant.&mdash;I&nbsp;told him your
+honour was&mdash;Then, said he, I&nbsp;served three campaigns with him
+in <i>Flanders</i>, and remember him,&mdash;but ’tis most likely, as I
+had not the honour of any acquaintance with him, that he knows nothing
+of me.&mdash;&mdash;You will tell him, however, that the person his
+good-nature has laid under obligations to him, is one <i>Le Fever</i>,
+a&nbsp;lieutenant in <i>Angus’s</i>&mdash;&mdash;but he knows me
+not,&mdash;said he, a&nbsp;second time, musing;&mdash;&mdash;possibly he
+may my story&mdash;added he&mdash;pray tell the captain, I&nbsp;was the
+ensign at <i>Breda</i>, whose wife was most unfortunately killed with a
+musket-shot, as she lay in my arms in my
+tent.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;remember the story, an’t please your honour,
+said I, very well.&mdash;&mdash;Do you so? said he, wiping his eyes with
+his handkerchief,&mdash;then well may I.&mdash;In saying this, he drew a
+little ring out of his bosom, which seemed tied with a black ribband
+about his neck, and kiss’d it twice&mdash;&mdash;Here, <i>Billy</i>,
+said he,&mdash;&mdash;the boy flew across the room to the
+bed-side,&mdash;and falling down upon his knee, took the ring in his
+hand, and kissed it too,&mdash;then kissed his father, and sat down upon
+the bed and wept.</p>
+
+<p>I wish, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, with a deep sigh,&mdash;I wish,
+<i>Trim</i>, I&nbsp;was asleep.</p>
+
+<p>Your honour, replied the corporal, is too much concerned;&mdash;shall
+I pour your honour out a glass of sack to your pipe?&mdash;&mdash;Do,
+<i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I remember, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, sighing again, the story of
+the ensign and his wife, with a circumstance his modesty
+omitted;&mdash;and particularly well that he, as well as she, upon some
+account or other (I&nbsp;forget what) was universally pitied by the
+whole regiment;&mdash;but finish the story thou art upon:&mdash;’Tis
+finished already, said the corporal,&mdash;for I could stay no
+longer,&mdash;so wished his honour a good night; young <i>Le Fever</i>
+rose from off the bed, and saw me to the bottom of the stairs; and as we
+went down together, told me, they had come from <i>Ireland</i>, and were
+on their route to join the regiment in <i>Flanders</i>.&mdash;&mdash;But
+alas! said the corporal,&mdash;the lieutenant’s last day’s march is
+over.&mdash;Then what is to become of his poor boy? cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page311" id = "page311">311</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapVIII" id = "bookVI_chapVIII">
+CHAPTER VIII</a></h4>
+
+<h5>THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED</h5>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> was to my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+eternal honour,&mdash;&mdash;though I tell it only for the sake of
+those, who, when coop’d in betwixt a natural and a positive law, know
+not, for their souls, which way in the world to turn
+themselves&mdash;&mdash;That notwithstanding my uncle <i>Toby</i> was
+warmly engaged at that time in carrying on the siege of
+<i>Dendermond</i>, parallel with the allies, who pressed theirs on so
+vigorously, that they scarce allowed him time to get his
+dinner&mdash;&mdash;that nevertheless he gave up <i>Dendermond</i>,
+though he had already made a lodgment upon the counterscarp;&mdash;and
+bent his whole thoughts towards the private distresses at the inn; and
+except that he ordered the garden gate to be bolted up, by which he
+might be said to have turned the siege of <i>Dendermond</i> into a
+blockade,&mdash;he left <i>Dendermond</i> to itself&mdash;to be relieved
+or not by the <i>French</i> king, as the <i>French</i> king thought
+good; and only considered how he himself should relieve the poor
+lieutenant and his son.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;That kind <span class = "smallcaps">Being</span>, who
+is a friend to the friendless, shall recompence thee for this.</p>
+
+<p>Thou hast left this matter short, said my uncle <i>Toby</i> to the
+corporal, as he was putting him to bed,&mdash;&mdash;and I will tell
+thee in what, <i>Trim</i>.&mdash;&mdash;In the first place, when thou
+madest an offer of my services to <i>Le Fever</i>,&mdash;&mdash;as
+sickness and travelling are both expensive, and thou knowest he was but
+a poor lieutenant, with a son to subsist as well as himself out of his
+pay,&mdash;that thou didst not make an offer to him of my purse;
+because, had he stood in need, thou knowest, <i>Trim</i>, he had been as
+welcome to it as myself.&mdash;&mdash;Your honour knows, said the
+corporal, I&nbsp;had no orders;&mdash;&mdash;True, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;thou didst very right, <i>Trim</i>, as a
+soldier,&mdash;but certainly very wrong as a man.</p>
+
+<p>In the second place, for which, indeed, thou hast the same excuse,
+continued my uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;&mdash;when thou offeredst him
+whatever was in my house,&mdash;&mdash;thou shouldst have offered him my
+house too:&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;sick brother officer should have the best
+quarters, <i>Trim</i>, and if we had him with us,&mdash;we could tend
+and look to him:&mdash;&mdash;Thou art an excellent nurse thyself,
+<i>Trim</i>,&mdash;and what with thy care of him, and the old woman’s,
+and his boy’s, and mine together, we might recruit him again at once,
+and set him upon his <span class =
+"locked">legs.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page312" id = "page312">312</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;In a fortnight or three weeks, added my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, smiling,&mdash;&mdash;he might march.&mdash;&mdash;He will
+never march; an’ please your honour, in this world, said the
+corporal:&mdash;&mdash;He will march; said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, rising
+up, from the side of the bed, with one shoe off:&mdash;&mdash;An’ please
+your honour, said the corporal, he will never march but to his
+grave:&mdash;&mdash;He shall march, cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>, marching
+the foot which had a shoe on, though without advancing an inch,&mdash;he
+shall march to his regiment.&mdash;&mdash;He cannot stand it, said the
+corporal;&mdash;&mdash;He shall be supported, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>;&mdash;&mdash;He’ll drop at last, said the corporal, and
+what will become of his boy?&mdash;&mdash;He shall not drop, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, firmly.&mdash;&mdash;A-well-o’-day,&mdash;do what we
+can for him, said <i>Trim</i>, maintaining his point,&mdash;the poor
+soul will die:&mdash;&mdash;He shall not die, by G&mdash;, cried my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;The <span class = "smallroman">ACCUSING SPIRIT</span>, which
+flew up to heaven’s chancery with the oath, blush’d as he gave it
+in;&mdash;and the <span class = "smallroman">RECORDING ANGEL</span>, as
+he wrote it down, dropp’d a tear upon the word, and blotted it out for
+ever.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapIX" id = "bookVI_chapIX">
+CHAPTER IX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">My</span> uncle <i>Toby</i>
+went to his bureau,&mdash;put his purse into his breeches pocket, and
+having ordered the corporal to go early in the morning for a
+physician,&mdash;he went to bed, and fell asleep.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapX" id = "bookVI_chapX">
+CHAPTER X</a></h4>
+
+<h5>THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED</h5>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> sun looked bright the morning
+after, to every eye in the village but <i>Le Fever’s</i> and his
+afflicted son’s; the hand of death press’d heavy upon his
+eye-lids,&mdash;&mdash;and hardly could the wheel at the cistern turn
+round its circle,&mdash;when my uncle <i>Toby</i>, who had rose up an
+hour before his wonted time, entered the lieutenant’s room, and without
+preface or apology, sat himself down upon the chair by the bed-side,
+and, independently of all modes and customs, opened the curtain in the
+manner an old friend and brother officer would have done it, and asked
+him how he did,&mdash;how he had rested in the night,&mdash;what was his
+complaint,&mdash;where was his pain,&mdash;and what he could do to help
+him:&mdash;&mdash;and without giving him time to answer any one of the
+enquiries, went on, and told him of the little plan which he
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page313" id = "page313">313</a></span>
+had been concerting with the corporal the night before for <span class =
+"locked">him.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;You shall go home directly, <i>Le Fever</i>, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, to my house,&mdash;and we’ll send for a doctor to see
+what’s the matter,&mdash;and we’ll have an apothecary,&mdash;and the
+corporal shall be your nurse;&mdash;&mdash;and I’ll be your servant,
+<i>Le Fever</i>.</p>
+
+<p>There was a frankness in my uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;not the
+<i>effect</i> of familiarity,&mdash;but the <i>cause</i> of
+it,&mdash;which let you at once into his soul, and shewed you the
+goodness of his nature; to this, there was something in his looks, and
+voice, and manner, superadded, which eternally beckoned to the
+unfortunate to come and take shelter under him; so that before my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> had half finished the kind offers he was making to the
+father, had the son insensibly pressed up close to his knees, and had
+taken hold of the breast of his coat, and was pulling it towards
+him.&mdash;&mdash;The blood and spirits of <i>Le Fever</i>, which were
+waxing cold and slow within him, and were retreating to their last
+citadel, the heart&mdash;rallied back,&mdash;the film forsook his eyes
+for a moment,&mdash;he looked up wishfully in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+face,&mdash;then cast a look upon his boy,&mdash;&mdash;and that
+<i>ligament</i>, fine as it was,&mdash;was never <span class =
+"locked">broken.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Nature instantly ebb’d again,&mdash;the film returned to its
+place,&mdash;&mdash;the pulse
+fluttered&mdash;&mdash;stopp’d&mdash;&mdash;went
+on&mdash;&mdash;throbb’d&mdash;&mdash;stopp’d
+again&mdash;&mdash;moved&mdash;&mdash;stopp’d&mdash;&mdash;shall I go
+on?&mdash;&mdash;No.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXI" id = "bookVI_chapXI">
+CHAPTER XI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I am</span> so impatient to return to my
+own story, that what remains of young <i>Le Fever’s</i>, that is, from
+this turn of his fortune, to the time my uncle <i>Toby</i> recommended
+him for my preceptor, shall be told in a very few words in the next
+chapter.&mdash;All that is necessary to be added to this chapter is as
+<span class = "locked">follows.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>That my uncle <i>Toby</i>, with young <i>Le Fever</i> in his hand,
+attended the poor lieutenant, as chief mourners, to his grave.</p>
+
+<p>That the governor of <i>Dendermond</i> paid his obsequies all
+military honours,&mdash;and that <i>Yorick</i>, not to be
+behind-hand&mdash;paid him all ecclesiastic&mdash;for he buried him in
+his chancel:&mdash;And it appears likewise, he preached a funeral sermon
+over him&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;say it <i>appears</i>,&mdash;for it was
+<i>Yorick’s</i> custom, which I suppose a general one with those of his
+profession, on the first leaf of every sermon which he composed, to
+chronicle down the time, the place, and the occasion of its being
+preached: to this,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page314" id = "page314">314</a></span>
+he was ever wont to add some short comment or stricture upon the sermon
+itself, seldom, indeed, much to its credit:&mdash;For instance, <i>This
+sermon upon the Jewish dispensation&mdash;I&nbsp;don’t like it at
+all;&mdash;Though I own there is a world of <span class =
+"smallroman">WATER-LANDISH</span> knowledge in it,&mdash;but ’tis all
+tritical, and most tritically put together.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;This is
+but a flimsy kind of a composition; what was in my head when I made
+it?</i></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;N. B. <i>The excellency of this text is, that it will
+suit any sermon,&mdash;and of this sermon,&mdash;&mdash;that it will
+suit any text.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p><i>&mdash;&mdash;For this sermon I shall be hanged,&mdash;for I have
+stolen the greatest part of it. Doctor <em>Paidagunes</em> found me out.
+<img src = "images/finger.gif" width = "30" height = "13" alt = "--&gt;"
+/> Set a thief to catch a thief.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p>On the back of half a dozen I find written, <i>So, so</i>, and no
+more&mdash;&mdash;and upon a couple <i>Moderato</i>; by which, as far as
+one may gather from <i>Altieri’s Italian</i> dictionary,&mdash;but
+mostly from the authority of a piece of green whipcord, which seemed to
+have been the unravelling of <i>Yorick’s</i> whip-lash, with which he
+has left us the two sermons marked <i>Moderato</i>, and the half dozen
+of <i>So, so</i>, tied fast together in one bundle by
+themselves,&mdash;one may safely suppose he meant pretty near the same
+thing.</p>
+
+<p>There is but one difficulty in the way of this conjecture, which is
+this, that the <i>moderato’s</i> are five times better than the <i>so,
+so’s</i>;&mdash;show ten times more knowledge of the human
+heart;&mdash;have seventy times more wit and spirit in them;&mdash;(and,
+to rise properly in my climax)&mdash;discovered a thousand times more
+genius;&mdash;and to crown all, are infinitely more entertaining than
+those tied up with them:&mdash;for which reason, whene’er
+<i>Yorick’s</i> <i>dramatic</i> sermons are offered to the world, though
+I shall admit but one out of the whole number of the <i>so, so’s</i>,
+I&nbsp;shall, nevertheless, adventure to print the two <i>moderato’s</i>
+without any sort of scruple.</p>
+
+<p>What <i>Yorick</i> could mean by the words
+<i>lentamente</i>,&mdash;<i>tenutè</i>,&mdash;<i>grave</i>,&mdash;and
+sometimes <i>adagio</i>,&mdash;as applied to <i>theological</i>
+compositions, and with which he has characterised some of these sermons,
+I&nbsp;dare not venture to guess.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am more puzzled
+still upon finding <i>a&nbsp;l’octava alta!</i> upon
+one;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Con strepito</i> upon the back of
+another;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Siciliana</i> upon a
+third;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Alla capella</i> upon a
+fourth;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Con l’arco</i> upon this;&mdash;&mdash;<i>Senza
+l’arco</i> upon that.&mdash;&mdash;All I know is, that they are musical
+terms, and have a meaning;&mdash;&mdash;and as he was a musical man,
+I&nbsp;will make no doubt, but that by some quaint application of such
+metaphors to the compositions in hand, they impressed very distinct
+ideas
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page315" id = "page315">315</a></span>
+of their several characters upon his fancy,&mdash;whatever they may do
+upon that of others.</p>
+
+<p>Amongst these, there is that particular sermon which has
+unaccountably led me into this digression&mdash;&mdash;The funeral
+sermon upon poor <i>Le Fever</i>, wrote out very fairly, as if from a
+hasty copy.&mdash;I&nbsp;take notice of it the more, because it seems to
+have been his favourite composition&mdash;&mdash;It is upon mortality;
+and is tied lengthways and cross-ways with a yarn thrum, and then rolled
+up and twisted round with a half-sheet of dirty blue paper, which seems
+to have been once the cast cover of a general review, which to this day
+smells horribly of horse drugs.&mdash;&mdash;Whether these marks of
+humiliation were designed,&mdash;I&nbsp;something
+doubt;&mdash;&mdash;because at the end of the sermon (and not at the
+beginning of&nbsp;it)&mdash;very different from his way of treating the
+rest, he had <span class = "locked">wrote&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p class = "center">
+Bravo!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Though not very offensively,&mdash;&mdash;for it is at
+two inches, at least, and a half’s distance from, and below the
+concluding line of the sermon, at the very extremity of the page, and in
+that right hand corner of it, which, you know, is generally covered with
+your thumb; and, to do it justice, it is wrote besides with a crow’s
+quill so faintly in a small <i>Italian</i> hand, as scarce to solicit
+the eye towards the place, whether your thumb is there or not,&mdash;so
+that from the <i>manner of it</i>, it stands half excused; and being
+wrote moreover with very pale ink, diluted almost to nothing,&mdash;’tis
+more like a <i>ritratto</i> of the shadow of vanity, than of <span class
+= "smallcaps">Vanity</span> herself&mdash;of the two; resembling rather
+a faint thought of transient applause, secretly stirring up in the heart
+of the composer; than a gross mark of it, coarsely obtruded upon the
+world.</p>
+
+<p>With all these extenuations, I am aware, that in publishing this,
+I&nbsp;do no service to <i>Yorick’s</i> character as a modest
+man;&mdash;but all men have their failings! and what lessens this still
+farther, and almost wipes it away, is this; that the word was struck
+through sometime afterwards (as&nbsp;appears from a different tint of
+the ink) with a line quite across it in this manner, <s>BRAVO</s>
+&mdash;&mdash;as if he had retracted, or was ashamed of the opinion he
+had once entertained of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>These short characters of his sermons were always written, excepting
+in this one instance, upon the first leaf of his sermon, which served as
+a cover to it; and usually upon the inside of it, which was turned
+towards the text;&mdash;but at the end of his discourse, where, perhaps,
+he had five or six pages, and sometimes,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page316" id = "page316">316</a></span>
+perhaps, a&nbsp;whole score to turn himself in,&mdash;he took a large
+circuit, and, indeed, a&nbsp;much more mettlesome one;&mdash;as if he
+had snatched the occasion of unlacing himself with a few more
+frolicksome strokes at vice, than the straitness of the pulpit
+allowed.&mdash;These, though hussar-like, they skirmish lightly and out
+of all order, are still auxiliaries on the side of virtue;&mdash;tell me
+then, Mynheer Vander Blonederdondergewdenstronke, why they should not be
+printed together?</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXII" id = "bookVI_chapXII">
+CHAPTER XII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> my uncle <i>Toby</i> had turned
+everything into money, and settled all accounts betwixt the agent of the
+regiment and <i>Le Fever</i>, and betwixt <i>Le Fever</i> and all
+mankind,&mdash;&mdash;there remained nothing more in my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> hands, than an old regimental coat and a sword; so that my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> found little or no opposition from the world in taking
+administration. The coat my uncle <i>Toby</i> gave the
+corporal;&mdash;&mdash;Wear it, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+as long as it will hold together, for the sake of the poor
+lieutenant&mdash;&mdash;And this,&mdash;&mdash;said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, taking up the sword in his hand, and drawing it out of the
+scabbard as he spoke&mdash;&mdash;and this, <i>Le Fever</i>, I’ll save
+for thee,&mdash;’tis all the fortune, continued my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+hanging it up upon a crook, and pointing to it,&mdash;’tis all the
+fortune, my dear <i>Le Fever</i>, which God has left thee; but if he has
+given thee a heart to fight thy way with it in the world,&mdash;and thou
+doest it like a man of honour,&mdash;’tis enough for&nbsp;us.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as my uncle <i>Toby</i> had laid a foundation, and taught him
+to inscribe a regular polygon in a circle, he sent him to a public
+school, where, excepting <i>Whitsontide</i> and <i>Christmas</i>, at
+which times the corporal was punctually dispatched for him,&mdash;he
+remained to the spring of the year, seventeen; when the stories of the
+emperor’s sending his army into <i>Hungary</i> against the <i>Turks</i>,
+kindling a spark of fire in his bosom, he left his <i>Greek</i> and
+<i>Latin</i> without leave, and throwing himself upon his knees before
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>, begged his father’s sword, and my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> leave along with it, to go and try his fortune under
+<i>Eugene</i>.&mdash;Twice did my uncle <i>Toby</i> forget his wound and
+cry out, <i>Le Fever!</i> I will go with thee, and thou shalt fight
+beside me&mdash;&mdash;And twice he laid his hand upon his groin, and
+hung down his head in sorrow and <span class =
+"locked">disconsolation.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> took down the sword from the crook, where
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page317" id = "page317">317</a></span>
+it had hung untouched ever since the lieutenant’s death, and delivered
+it to the corporal to brighten up;&mdash;&mdash;and having detained
+<i>Le Fever</i> a single fortnight to equip him, and contract for his
+passage to <i>Leghorn</i>,&mdash;he put the sword into his
+hand.&mdash;&mdash;If thou art brave, <i>Le Fever</i>, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, this will not fail thee,&mdash;&mdash;but Fortune, said he
+(musing a little),&mdash;&mdash;Fortune may&mdash;&mdash;And if she
+does,&mdash;added my uncle <i>Toby</i>, embracing him, come back again
+to me, <i>Le Fever</i>, and we will shape thee another course.</p>
+
+<p>The greatest injury could not have oppressed the heart of <i>Le
+Fever</i> more than my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> paternal
+kindness;&mdash;&mdash;he parted from my uncle <i>Toby</i>, as the best
+of sons from the best of fathers&mdash;&mdash;both dropped
+tears&mdash;&mdash;and as my uncle <i>Toby</i> gave him his last kiss,
+he slipped sixty guineas, tied up in an old purse of his father’s, in
+which was his mother’s ring, into his hand,&mdash;&mdash;and bid God
+bless him.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXIII" id = "bookVI_chapXIII">
+CHAPTER XIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Le Fever</span> got up to the Imperial army
+just time enough to try what metal his sword was made of, at the defeat
+of the <i>Turks</i> before <i>Belgrade</i>; but a series of unmerited
+mischances had pursued him from that moment, and trod close upon his
+heels for four years together after; he had withstood these buffetings
+to the last, till sickness overtook him at <i>Marseilles</i>, from
+whence he wrote my uncle <i>Toby</i> word, he had lost his time, his
+services, his health, and, in short, everything but his
+sword;&mdash;&mdash;and was waiting for the first ship to return back to
+him.</p>
+
+<p>As this letter came to hand about six weeks before <i>Susannah’s</i>
+accident, <i>Le Fever</i> was hourly expected; and was uppermost in my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> mind all the time my father was giving him and
+<i>Yorick</i> a description of what kind of a person he would chuse for
+a preceptor to me: but as my uncle <i>Toby</i> thought my father at
+first somewhat fanciful in the accomplishments he required, he forebore
+mentioning <i>Le Fever’s</i> name,&mdash;&mdash;till the character, by
+<i>Yorick’s</i> interposition, ending unexpectedly, in one, who should
+be gentle-tempered, and generous, and good, it impressed the image of
+<i>Le Fever</i>, and his interest, upon my uncle <i>Toby</i> so
+forcibly, he rose instantly off his chair; and laying down his pipe, in
+order to take hold of both my father’s hands&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;beg,
+brother <i>Shandy</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, I&nbsp;may recommend
+poor <i>Le Fever’s</i> son to you&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;beseech you do,
+added <i>Yorick</i>&mdash;&mdash;He
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page318" id = "page318">318</a></span>
+has a good heart, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;And a brave one
+too, an’ please your honour, said the corporal.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The best hearts, <i>Trim</i>, are ever the bravest,
+replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;And the greatest cowards, an’
+please your honour, in our regiment, were the greatest rascals in
+it.&mdash;&mdash;There was serjeant <i>Kumber</i>, and <span class =
+"locked">ensign&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;We’ll talk of them, said my father, another time.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXIV" id = "bookVI_chapXIV">
+CHAPTER XIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">What</span> a jovial and a merry world
+would this be, may it please your worships, but for that inextricable
+labyrinth of debts, cares, woes, want, grief, discontent, melancholy,
+large jointures, impositions, and lies!</p>
+
+<p>Doctor <i>Slop</i>, like a son of a w&mdash;&mdash;, as my father
+called him for it,&mdash;to exalt himself,&mdash;debased me to
+death,&mdash;and made ten thousand times more of <i>Susannah’s</i>
+accident, than there was any grounds for; so that in a week’s time, or
+less, it was in everybody’s mouth, <i>That poor Master Shandy</i>
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * </span>* &emsp;
+entirely.&mdash;And <span class = "smallcaps">Fame</span>, who loves to
+double everything,&mdash;in three days more, had sworn, positively she
+saw it,&mdash;and all the world, as usual, gave credit to her
+evidence&mdash;&mdash;“That the nursery window had not only
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </span>*
+&emsp; ;&mdash;&mdash;but that
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
+</span>*&nbsp;’s also.”</p>
+
+<p>Could the world have been sued like a <span class =
+"smallroman">BODY-CORPORATE</span>,&mdash;my father had brought an
+action upon the case, and trounced it sufficiently; but to fall foul of
+individuals about it&mdash;&mdash;as every soul who had mentioned the
+affair, did it with the greatest pity imaginable;&mdash;&mdash;’twas
+like flying in the very face of his best friends:&mdash;&mdash;And yet
+to acquiesce under the report, in silence&mdash;was to acknowledge it
+openly,&mdash;at least in the opinion of one half of the world; and to
+make a bustle again, in contradicting it,&mdash;was to confirm it as
+strongly in the opinion of the other <span class =
+"locked">half.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Was ever poor devil of a country gentleman so hampered?
+said my father.</p>
+
+<p>I would shew him publickly, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, at the market
+cross.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Twill have no effect, said my father.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page319" id = "page319">319</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXV" id = "bookVI_chapXV">
+CHAPTER XV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I’ll put him, however, into breeches, said my
+father,&mdash;let the world say what it will.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXVI" id = "bookVI_chapXVI">
+CHAPTER XVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">There</span> are a thousand resolutions,
+Sir, both in church and state, as well as in matters, Madam, of a more
+private concern;&mdash;which though they have carried all the appearance
+in the world of being taken, and entered upon in a hasty, hare-brained,
+and unadvised manner, were, notwithstanding this (and could you or I
+have got into the cabinet, or stood behind the curtain, we should have
+found it was&nbsp;so), weighed, poized, and
+perpended&mdash;&mdash;argued upon&mdash;canvassed
+through&mdash;&mdash;entered into, and examined on all sides with so
+much coolness, that the <span class = "smallroman">GODDESS</span> of
+<span class = "smallroman">COOLNESS</span> herself (I&nbsp;do not take
+upon me to prove her existence) could neither have wished it, or done it
+better.</p>
+
+<p>Of the number of these was my father’s resolution of putting me into
+breeches; which, though determined at once,&mdash;in a kind of huff, and
+a defiance of all mankind, had, nevertheless, been <i>pro’d</i> and
+<i>conn’d</i>, and judicially talked over betwixt him and my mother
+about a month before, in two several <i>beds of justice</i>, which my
+father had held for that purpose. I&nbsp;shall explain the nature of
+these beds of justice in my next chapter; and in the chapter following
+that, you shall step with me, Madam, behind the curtain, only to hear in
+what kind of manner my father and my mother debated between themselves,
+this affair of the breeches,&mdash;from which you may form an idea, how
+they debated all lesser matters.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXVII" id = "bookVI_chapXVII">
+CHAPTER XVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> ancient <i>Goths</i> of
+<i>Germany</i>, who (the learned <i>Cluverius</i> is positive) were
+first seated in the country between the <i>Vistula</i> and the
+<i>Oder</i>, and who afterwards incorporated the <i>Herculi</i>, the
+<i>Bugians</i>, and some other <i>Vandallick</i> clans to ’em&mdash;had
+all of them a wise custom of debating everything of importance to their
+state, twice; that is,&mdash;once drunk, and once
+sober:&mdash;&mdash;Drunk,&mdash;that
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page320" id = "page320">320</a></span>
+their councils might not want vigour;&mdash;&mdash;and sober&mdash;that
+they might not want discretion.</p>
+
+<p>Now my father being entirely a water-drinker,&mdash;was a long time
+gravelled almost to death, in turning this as much to his advantage, as
+he did every other thing which the ancients did or said; and it was not
+till the seventh year of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless
+experiments and devices, that he hit upon an expedient which answered
+the purpose;&mdash;&mdash;and that was, when any difficult and momentous
+point was to be settled in the family, which required great sobriety,
+and great spirit too, in its determination,&mdash;&mdash;he fixed and
+set apart the first <i>Sunday</i> night in the month, and the
+<i>Saturday</i> night which immediately preceded it, to argue it over,
+in bed, with my mother: By which contrivance, if you consider, Sir, with
+yourself,
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </span>
+</p>
+
+<p>These my father, humorously enough, called his <i>beds of
+justice</i>;&mdash;&mdash;for from the two different counsels taken in
+these two different humours, a&nbsp;middle one was generally found out
+which touched the point of wisdom as well, as if he had got drunk and
+sober a hundred times.</p>
+
+<p>It must not be made a secret of to the world, that this answers full
+as well in literary discussions, as either in military or conjugal; but
+it is not every author that can try the experiment as the <i>Goths</i>
+and <i>Vandals</i> did it&mdash;&mdash;or, if he can, may it be always
+for his body’s health; and to do it, as my father did it,&mdash;am I
+sure it would be always for his soul’s.</p>
+
+<p>My way is this:&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>In all nice and ticklish discussions&mdash;(of which, heaven knows,
+there are but too many in my book),&mdash;where I find I cannot take a
+step without the danger of having either their worships or their
+reverences upon my back&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;write one-half
+<i>full</i>,&mdash;and t’other <i>fasting</i>;&mdash;&mdash;or write it
+all full,&mdash;and correct it fasting:&mdash;&mdash;or write it
+fasting,&mdash;and correct it full, for they all come to the same
+thing:&mdash;&mdash;So that with a less variation from my father’s plan,
+than my father’s from the <i>Gothick</i>&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;feel myself
+upon a par with him in his first bed of justice,&mdash;and no way
+inferior to him in his second.&mdash;&mdash;These different and almost
+irreconcileable effects, flow uniformly from the wise and wonderful
+mechanism of nature,&mdash;of which,&mdash;be her’s the
+honour.&mdash;&mdash;All that we can do, is to turn and work the machine
+to the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page321" id = "page321">321</a></span>
+improvement and better manufactory of the arts and <span class =
+"locked">sciences.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Now, when I write full,&mdash;I write as if I was never to write
+fasting again as long as I live;&mdash;&mdash;that is, I&nbsp;write free
+from the cares as well as the terrors of the
+world.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;count not the number of my scars,&mdash;nor
+does my fancy go forth into dark entries and bye-corners to antedate my
+stabs.&mdash;&mdash;In a word, my pen takes its course; and I write on
+as much from the fulness of my heart, as my <span class =
+"locked">stomach.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>But when, an’ please your honours, I indite fasting, ’tis a different
+history.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;pay the world all possible attention and
+respect,&mdash;and have as great a share (whilst it lasts) of that
+under-strapping virtue of discretion as the best of you.&mdash;&mdash;So
+that betwixt both, I&nbsp;write a careless kind of a civil, nonsensical,
+good-humoured <i>Shandean</i> book, which will do all your hearts <span
+class = "locked">good&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And all your heads too,&mdash;provided you understand
+it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXVIII" id = "bookVI_chapXVIII">
+CHAPTER XVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">We</span> should begin, said my father,
+turning himself half round in bed, and shifting his pillow a little
+towards my mother’s, as he opened the debate&mdash;&mdash;We should
+begin to think, Mrs. <i>Shandy</i>, of putting this boy into <span class
+= "locked">breeches.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>We should so,&mdash;said my mother.&mdash;&mdash;We defer it, my
+dear, quoth my father, <span class =
+"locked">shamefully.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I think we do, Mr. <i>Shandy</i>,&mdash;said my mother.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Not but the child looks extremely well, said my
+father<ins class = "correction" title = ", invisible at line-end">,
+</ins>in his vests and <span class =
+"locked">tunicks.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;He does look very well in them,&mdash;replied my
+mother.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And for that reason it would be almost a sin, added my
+father, to take him out of <span class =
+"locked">’em.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It would so,&mdash;said my mother:&mdash;&mdash;But
+indeed he is growing a very tall lad,&mdash;rejoined my father.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;He is very tall for his age, indeed,&mdash;said my
+mother.&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I can not (making two syllables of it) imagine, quoth
+my father, who the deuce he takes <span class =
+"locked">after.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I cannot conceive, for my life,&mdash;said my
+mother.&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Humph!&mdash;&mdash;said my father.</p>
+
+<p>(The dialogue ceased for a moment.)</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I am very short myself,&mdash;continued my father
+gravely.</p>
+
+<p>You are very short, Mr. <i>Shandy</i>,&mdash;said my mother.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page322" id = "page322">322</a></span>
+<p>Humph! quoth my father to himself, a second time: in muttering which,
+he plucked his pillow a little further from my mother’s&mdash;and
+turning about again, there was an end of the debate for three minutes
+and a half.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;When he gets these breeches made, cried my father in a
+higher tone, he’ll look like a beast in ’em.</p>
+
+<p>He will be very awkward in them at first, replied my
+mother.&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And ’twill be lucky, if that’s the worst on’t, added my
+father.</p>
+
+<p>It will be very lucky, answered my mother.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose, replied my father,&mdash;making some pause
+first,&mdash;he’ll be exactly like other people’s <span class =
+"locked">children.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Exactly, said my mother.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Though I shall be sorry for that, added my father: and
+so the debate stopp’d again.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;They should be of leather, said my father, turning him
+about <span class = "locked">again.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>They will last him, said my mother, the longest.</p>
+
+<p>But he can have no linings to ’em, replied my
+father.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>He cannot, said my mother.</p>
+
+<p>’Twere better to have them of fustian, quoth my father.</p>
+
+<p>Nothing can be better, quoth my mother.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Except dimity,&mdash;replied my father:&mdash;&mdash;’Tis best
+of all,&mdash;replied my mother.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;One must not give him his death,
+however,&mdash;interrupted my father.</p>
+
+<p>By no means, said my mother:&mdash;&mdash;and so the dialogue stood
+still again.</p>
+
+<p>I am resolved, however, quoth my father, breaking silence the fourth
+time, he shall have no pockets in <span class =
+"locked">them.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;There is no occasion for any, said my
+mother.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>I mean in his coat and waistcoat,&mdash;cried my father.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I mean so too,&mdash;replied my mother.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Though if he gets a gig or top&mdash;&mdash;Poor souls!
+it is a crown and a sceptre to them,&mdash;they should have where to
+secure <span class = "locked">it.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Order it as you please, Mr. <i>Shandy</i>, replied my
+mother.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But don’t you think it right? added my father, pressing
+the point home to her.</p>
+
+<p>Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases you, Mr.
+<i>Shandy</i>.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;There’s for you! cried my father, losing
+temper&mdash;&mdash;Pleases me!&mdash;&mdash;You never will distinguish,
+Mrs. <i>Shandy</i>, nor shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point
+of pleasure and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page323" id = "page323">323</a></span>
+a point of convenience.&mdash;&mdash;This was on the <i>Sunday</i>
+night:&mdash;&mdash;and further this chapter sayeth not.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXIX" id = "bookVI_chapXIX">
+CHAPTER XIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">After</span> my father had debated the
+affair of the breeches with my mother,&mdash;he consulted <i>Albertus
+Rubenius</i> upon it; and <i>Albertus Rubenius</i> used my father ten
+times worse in the consultation (if&nbsp;possible) than even my father
+had used my mother: For as <i>Rubenius</i> had wrote a quarto
+<i>express</i>, <i>De re Vestiaria Veterum</i>,&mdash;it was
+<i>Rubenius’s</i> business to have given my father some lights.&mdash;On
+the contrary, my father might as well have thought of extracting the
+seven cardinal virtues out of a long beard,&mdash;as of extracting a
+single word out of <i>Rubenius</i> upon the subject.</p>
+
+<p>Upon every other article of ancient dress, <i>Rubenius</i> was very
+communicative to my father;&mdash;gave him a full and satisfactory
+account&nbsp;of</p>
+
+<div class = "inset">
+<p>The Toga, or loose gown.</p>
+<p>The Chlamys.</p>
+<p>The Ephod.</p>
+<p>The Tunica, or Jacket.</p>
+<p>The Synthesis.</p>
+<p>The PĂŚnula.</p>
+<p>The Lacema, with its Cucullus.</p>
+<p>The Paludamentum.</p>
+<p>The PrĂŚtexta.</p>
+<p>The Sagum, or soldier’s jerkin.</p>
+<p>The Trabea: of which, according to <i>Suetonius</i>, there were three
+<span class = "locked">kinds.&mdash;</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But what are all these to the breeches? said my
+father.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rubenius</i> threw him down upon the counter all kinds of shoes
+which had been in fashion with the <span class =
+"locked"><i>Romans</i>.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>There was,</p>
+
+<div class = "inset">
+<div class = "inset">
+<p>The open shoe.</p>
+<p>The close shoe.</p>
+<p>The slip shoe.</p>
+<p>The wooden shoe.</p>
+<p>The soc.</p>
+<p>The buskin.</p>
+</div>
+<p>And The military shoe with hobnails in it, which <i>Juvenal</i> takes
+notice of.</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page324" id = "page324">324</a></span>
+<p>There were, The clogs.</p>
+<div class = "inset">
+<div class = "inset">
+<p>The pattins.</p>
+<p>The pantoufles.</p>
+<p>The brogues.</p>
+<p>The sandals, with latchets to them.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p>There was, The felt shoe.</p>
+<div class = "inset">
+<div class = "inset">
+<p>The linen shoe.</p>
+<p>The laced shoe.</p>
+<p>The braided shoe.</p>
+<p>The calceus incisus.</p>
+</div>
+<p>And The calceus rostratus.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Rubenius</i> shewed my father how well they all fitted,&mdash;in
+what manner they laced on,&mdash;with what points, straps, thongs,
+latchets, ribbands, jaggs, and <span class =
+"locked">ends.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But I want to be informed about the breeches, said my
+father.</p>
+
+<p><i>Albertus Rubenius</i> informed my father that the <i>Romans</i>
+manufactured stuffs of various fabrics,&mdash;&mdash;some
+plain,&mdash;some striped,&mdash;others diapered throughout the whole
+contexture of the wool, with silk and gold&mdash;&mdash;That linen did
+not begin to be in common use till towards the declension of the empire,
+when the <i>Egyptians</i> coming to settle amongst them, brought it into
+vogue.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;That persons of quality and fortune distinguished
+themselves by the fineness and whiteness of their clothes; which colour
+(next to purple, which was appropriated to the great offices) they most
+affected, and wore on their birthdays and public
+rejoicings.&mdash;&mdash;That it appeared from the best historians of
+those times, that they frequently sent their clothes to the fuller, to
+be clean’d and whitened:&mdash;&mdash;but that the inferior people, to
+avoid that expence, generally wore brown clothes, and of a something
+coarser texture,&mdash;till towards the beginning of <i>Augustus’s</i>
+reign, when the slave dressed like his master, and almost every
+distinction of habiliment was lost, but the <i>Latus Clavus</i>.</p>
+
+<p>And what was the <i>Latus Clavus?</i> said my father.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rubenius</i> told him, that the point was still litigating amongst
+the learned:&mdash;&mdash;That <i>Egnatius</i>, <i>Sigonius</i>,
+<i>Bossius Ticinensis</i>, <i>Bayfius</i>, <i>BudĂŚus</i>,
+<i>Salmasius</i>, <i>Lipsius</i>, <i>Lazius</i>, <i>Isaac Casaubon</i>,
+and <i>Joseph Scaliger</i>, all differed from each other,&mdash;and he
+from them: That some took it to be the button,&mdash;some the coat
+itself,&mdash;others only the colour of it:&mdash;That the great
+<i>Bayfius</i>, in his Wardrobe of the Ancients, chap. 12&mdash;honestly
+said, he
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page325" id = "page325">325</a></span>
+knew not what it was,&mdash;whether a tibula,&mdash;a stud,&mdash;a
+button,&mdash;a&nbsp;loop,&mdash;a&nbsp;buckle,&mdash;or clasps and
+<span class = "locked">keepers.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;My father lost the horse, but not the
+saddle&mdash;&mdash;They are <i>hooks and eyes</i>, said my
+father&mdash;&mdash;and with hooks and eyes he ordered my breeches to be
+made.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXX" id = "bookVI_chapXX">
+CHAPTER XX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">We</span> are now going to enter upon a new
+scene of events.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Leave we then the breeches in the taylor’s hands, with
+my father standing over him with his cane, reading him as he sat at work
+a lecture upon the <i>latus clavus</i>, and pointing to the precise part
+of the waistband, where he was determined to have it sewed <span class =
+"locked">on.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Leave we my mother&mdash;(truest of all the <i>Pococurantes</i> of
+her sex!)&mdash;careless about it, as about everything else in the world
+which concerned her;&mdash;that is,&mdash;indifferent whether it was
+done this way or that,&mdash;provided it was but done at <span class =
+"locked">all.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Leave we <i>Slop</i> likewise to the full profits of all my
+dishonours.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Leave we poor <i>Le Fever</i> to recover, and get home from
+<i>Marseilles</i> as he can.&mdash;&mdash;And last of all,&mdash;because
+the hardest of <span class = "locked">all&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Let us leave, if possible, <i>myself</i>:&mdash;&mdash;But ’tis
+impossible,&mdash;I&nbsp;must go along with you to the end of the
+work.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXI" id = "bookVI_chapXXI">
+CHAPTER XXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">If</span> the reader has not a clear
+conception of the rood and the half of ground which lay at the bottom of
+my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> kitchen-garden, and which was the scene of so
+many of his delicious hours,&mdash;the fault is not in me,&mdash;but in
+his imagination;&mdash;for I am sure I gave him so minute a description,
+I&nbsp;was almost ashamed of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>When <span class = "smallcaps">Fate</span> was looking forwards one
+afternoon, into the great transactions of future times,&mdash;and
+recollected for what purposes this little plot, by a decree fast bound
+down in iron, had been destined,&mdash;&mdash;she gave a nod to <span
+class = "smallcaps">Nature</span>,&mdash;’twas enough&mdash;Nature threw
+half a spade full of her kindliest compost upon it, with just so
+<i>much</i> clay in it, as to retain the forms of angles and
+indentings,&mdash;and so <i>little</i> of it too, as not to cling to the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page326" id = "page326">326</a></span>
+spade, and render works of so much glory, nasty in foul weather.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> came down, as the reader has been informed, with
+plans along with him, of almost every fortified town in <i>Italy</i> and
+<i>Flanders</i>; so let the Duke of <i>Marlborough</i>, or the allies,
+have set down before what town they pleased, my uncle <i>Toby</i> was
+prepared for them.</p>
+
+<p>His way, which was the simplest one in the world, was this; as soon
+as ever a town was invested&mdash;(but sooner when the design was known)
+to take the plan of it (let it be what town it would), and enlarge it
+upon a scale to the exact size of his bowling-green; upon the surface of
+which, by means of a large role of packthread, and a number of small
+piquets driven into the ground, at the several angles and redans, he
+transferred the lines from his paper; then taking the profile of the
+place, with its works, to determine the depths and slopes of the
+ditches,&mdash;the talus of the glacis, and the precise height of the
+several banquets, parapets, &amp;c.&mdash;he set the corporal to
+work&mdash;&mdash;and sweetly went it on:&mdash;&mdash;The nature of the
+soil,&mdash;the nature of the work itself,&mdash;and above all, the
+good-nature of my uncle <i>Toby</i> sitting by from morning to night,
+and chatting kindly with the corporal upon past-done deeds,&mdash;left
+<span class = "smallroman">LABOUR</span> little else but the ceremony of
+the name.</p>
+
+<p>When the place was finished in this manner, and put into a proper
+posture of defence,&mdash;it was invested,&mdash;and my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> and the corporal began to run their first
+parallel.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;beg I may not be interrupted in my story,
+by being told, <i>That the first parallel should be at least three
+hundred toises distant from the main body of the place,&mdash;and that I
+have not left a single inch for it</i>;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;for my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> took the liberty of incroaching upon his kitchen-garden, for
+the sake of enlarging his works on the bowling-green, and for that
+reason generally ran his first and second parallels betwixt two rows of
+his cabbages and his cauliflowers; the conveniences and inconveniences
+of which will be considered at large in the history of my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> and the corporal’s campaigns, of which, this I’m now
+writing is but a sketch, and will be finished, if I conjecture right, in
+three pages (but there is no guessing)&mdash;&mdash;The campaigns
+themselves will take up as many books; and therefore I apprehend it
+would be hanging too great a weight of one kind of matter in so flimsy a
+performance as this, to rhapsodize them, as I once intended, into the
+body of the work&mdash;&mdash;surely they had better be printed
+apart,&mdash;&mdash;we’ll consider the affair&mdash;&mdash;so take the
+following sketch of them in the meantime.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page327" id = "page327">327</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXII" id = "bookVI_chapXXII">
+CHAPTER XXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> the town, with its works, was
+finished, my uncle <i>Toby</i> and the corporal began to run their first
+parallel&mdash;&mdash;not at random, or any how&mdash;&mdash;but from
+the same points and distances the allies had begun to run theirs; and
+regulating their approaches and attacks, by the accounts my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> received from the daily papers,&mdash;they went on, during
+the whole siege, step by step with the allies.</p>
+
+<p>When the duke of <i>Marlborough</i> made a lodgment,&mdash;&mdash;my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> made a lodgment too,&mdash;&mdash;And when the face of
+a bastion was battered down, or a defence ruined,&mdash;the corporal
+took his mattock and did as much,&mdash;and so on;&mdash;&mdash;gaining
+ground, and making themselves masters of the works one after another,
+till the town fell into their hands.</p>
+
+<p>To one who took pleasure in the happy state of others,&mdash;there
+could not have been a greater sight in the world, than, on a
+post-morning, in which a practicable breach had been made by the duke of
+<i>Marlborough</i>, in the main body of the place,&mdash;to have stood
+behind the horn-beam hedge, and observed the spirit with which my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, with <i>Trim</i> behind him, sallied
+forth;&mdash;&mdash;the one with the <i>Gazette</i> in his
+hand,&mdash;the other with a spade on his shoulder to execute the
+contents.&mdash;&mdash;What an honest triumph in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+looks as he marched up to the ramparts! What intense pleasure swimming
+in his eye as he stood over the corporal, reading the paragraph ten
+times over to him, as he was at work, lest, peradventure, he should make
+the breach an inch too wide,&mdash;or leave it an inch too
+narrow.&mdash;&mdash;But when the <i>chamade</i> was beat, and the
+corporal helped my uncle up it, and followed with the colours in his
+hand, to fix them upon the ramparts&mdash;Heaven! Earth!
+Sea!&mdash;&mdash;but what avails apostrophes?&mdash;&mdash;with all
+your elements, wet or dry, ye never compounded so intoxicating a
+draught.</p>
+
+<p>In this track of happiness for many years, without one interruption
+to it, except now and then when the wind continued to blow due west for
+a week or ten days together, which detained the <i>Flanders</i> mail,
+and kept them so long in torture,&mdash;but still ’twas the torture of
+the happy&mdash;&mdash;In this track, I&nbsp;say, did my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> and <i>Trim</i> move for many years, every year of which,
+and sometimes every month, from the invention of either the one or the
+other of them, adding some new conceit or quirk of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page328" id = "page328">328</a></span>
+improvement to their operations, which always opened fresh springs of
+delight in carrying them&nbsp;on.</p>
+
+<p>The first year’s campaign was carried on from beginning to end, in
+the plain and simple method I’ve related.</p>
+
+<p>In the second year, in which my uncle <i>Toby</i> took <i>Liege</i>
+and <i>Ruremond</i>, he thought he might afford the expence of four
+handsome draw-bridges, of two of which I have given an exact description
+in the former part of my work.</p>
+
+<p>At the latter end of the same year he added a couple of gates with
+portcullises:&mdash;&mdash;These last were converted afterwards into
+orgues, as the better thing; and during the winter of the same year, my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, instead of a new suit of clothes, which he always had
+at <i>Christmas</i>, treated himself with a handsome sentry-box, to
+stand at the corner of the bowling-green, betwixt which point and the
+foot of the glacis, there was left a little kind of an esplanade for him
+and the corporal to confer and hold councils of war upon.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The sentry-box was in case of rain.</p>
+
+<p>All these were painted white three times over the ensuing spring,
+which enabled my uncle <i>Toby</i> to take the field with great
+splendour.</p>
+
+<p>My father would often say to <i>Yorick</i>, that if any mortal in the
+whole universe had done such a thing, except his brother <i>Toby</i>, it
+would have been looked upon by the world as one of the most refined
+satires upon the parade and prancing manner in which <i>Lewis</i> XIV.
+from the beginning of the war, but particularly that very year, had
+taken the field&mdash;&mdash;But ’tis not my brother <i>Toby’s</i>
+nature, kind soul! my father would add, to insult any one.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But let us go on.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXIII" id = "bookVI_chapXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I must</span> observe, that although in the
+first year’s campaign, the word <i>town</i> is often
+mentioned,&mdash;yet there was no town at that time within the polygon;
+that addition was not made till the summer following the spring in which
+the bridges and sentry-box were painted, which was the third year of my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> campaigns,&mdash;when upon his taking <i>Amberg</i>,
+<i>Bonn</i>, and <i>Rhinberg</i>, and <i>Huy</i> and <i>Limbourg</i>,
+one after another, a&nbsp;thought came into the corporal’s head, that to
+talk of taking so many towns, <i>without one <span class =
+"smallroman">TOWN</span> to shew for it</i>,&mdash;was a very
+nonsensical way of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page329" id = "page329">329</a></span>
+going to work, and so proposed to my uncle <i>Toby</i>, that they should
+have a little model of a town built for them,&mdash;to be run up
+together of slit deals, and then painted, and clapped within the
+interior polygon to serve for all.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> felt the good of the project instantly, and
+instantly agreed to it, but with the addition of two singular
+improvements, of which he was almost as proud as if he had been the
+original inventor of the project itself.</p>
+
+<p>The one was, to have the town built exactly in the style of those of
+which it was most likely to be the representative:&mdash;&mdash;with
+grated windows, and the gable ends of the houses, facing the streets,
+&amp;c. &amp;c.&mdash;as those in <i>Ghent</i> and <i>Bruges</i>, and
+the rest of the towns in <i>Brabant</i> and <i>Flanders</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The other was, not to have the houses run up together, as the
+corporal proposed, but to have every house independent, to hook on, or
+off, so as to form into the plan of whatever town they pleased. This was
+put directly into hand, <ins class = "correction"
+title = "text unchanged: probably not an error">and many and many</ins> a look of
+mutual congratulation was exchanged between my uncle <i>Toby</i> and the
+corporal, as the carpenter did the work.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It answered prodigiously the next
+summer&mdash;&mdash;the town was a perfect
+<i>Proteus</i>&mdash;&mdash;It was <i>Landen</i>, and <i>Trerebach</i>,
+and <i>Santvliet</i>, and <i>Drusen</i>, and <i>Hagenau</i>,&mdash;and
+then it was <i>Ostend</i> and <i>Menin</i>, and <i>Aeth</i> and
+<i>Dendermond</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Surely never did any <span class =
+"smallroman">TOWN</span> act so many parts, since <i>Sodom</i> and
+<i>Gomorah</i>, as my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> town did.</p>
+
+<p>In the fourth year, my uncle <i>Toby</i> thinking a town looked
+foolishly without a church, added a very fine one with a
+steeple.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim</i> was for having bells in
+it;&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> said, the metal had better be cast
+into cannon.</p>
+
+<p>This led the way the next campaign for half a dozen brass
+field-pieces, to be planted three and three on each side of my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> sentry-box; and in a short time, these led the way for a
+train of somewhat larger,&mdash;and so on&mdash;(as&nbsp;must always be
+the case in hobby-horsical affairs) from pieces of half an inch bore,
+till it came at last to my father’s jack boots.</p>
+
+<p>The next year, which was that in which <i>Lisle</i> was besieged, and
+at the close of which both <i>Ghent</i> and <i>Bruges</i> fell into our
+hands,&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> was sadly put to it for <i>proper</i>
+ammunition;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;say proper
+ammunition&mdash;&mdash;because his great artillery would not bear
+powder; and ’twas well for the <i>Shandy</i> family they would
+not&mdash;&mdash;For so full were the papers, from the beginning to the
+end of the siege, of the incessant firings kept up by the
+besiegers,&mdash;&mdash;and so heated was my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+imagination
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page330" id = "page330">330</a></span>
+with the accounts of them, that he had infallibly shot away all his
+estate.</p>
+
+<p><span class = "smallcaps">Something</span> therefore was wanting as a
+<i>succedaneum</i>, especially in one or two of the more violent
+paroxysms of the siege, to keep up something like a continual firing in
+the imagination,&mdash;&mdash;and this <i>something</i>, the corporal,
+whose principal strength lay in invention, supplied by an entire new
+system of battering of his own,&mdash;without which, this had been
+objected to by military critics, to the end of the world, as one of the
+great <i>desiderata</i> of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> apparatus.</p>
+
+<p>This will not be explained the worse, for setting off, as I generally
+do, at a little distance from the subject.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXIV" id = "bookVI_chapXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">With</span> two or three other trinkets,
+small in themselves, but of great regard, which poor <i>Tom</i>, the
+corporal’s unfortunate brother, had sent him over, with the account of
+his marriage with the <i>Jew’s</i> widow&mdash;&mdash;there was</p>
+
+<p>A <i>Montero</i>-cap and two <i>Turkish</i> tobacco-pipes.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Montero</i>-cap I shall describe by and bye.&mdash;&mdash;The
+<i>Turkish</i> tobacco-pipes had nothing particular in them, they were
+fitted up and ornamented as usual, with flexible tubes of <i>Morocco</i>
+leather and gold wire, and mounted at their ends, the one of them with
+ivory,&mdash;the other with black ebony, tipp’d with silver.</p>
+
+<p>My father, who saw all things in lights different from the rest of
+the world, would say to the corporal, that he ought to look upon these
+two presents more as tokens of his brother’s nicety, than his
+affection.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Tom</i> did not care, <i>Trim</i>, he would
+say, to put on the cap, or to smoke in the tobacco-pipe of a
+<i>Jew</i>.&mdash;&mdash;God bless your honour, the corporal would say,
+(giving a strong reason to the contrary)&mdash;how can that&nbsp;be?</p>
+
+<p>The Montero-cap was scarlet, of a superfine <i>Spanish</i> cloth,
+dyed in grain, and mounted all round with fur, except about four inches
+in the front, which was faced with a light blue, slightly
+embroidered,&mdash;and seemed to have been the property of a
+<i>Portuguese</i> quartermaster, not of foot, but of horse, as the word
+denotes.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal was not a little proud of it, as well for its own sake,
+as the sake of the giver, so seldom or never put it on but upon <span
+class = "smallcaps">Gala</span>-days; and yet never was a Montero-cap
+put to so
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page331" id = "page331">331</a></span>
+many uses; for in all controverted points, whether military or culinary,
+provided the corporal was sure he was in the right,&mdash;it was either
+his <i>oath</i>,&mdash;his <i>wager</i>,&mdash;or his <i>gift</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Twas his gift in the present case.</p>
+
+<p>I’ll be bound, said the corporal, speaking to himself, to <i>give</i>
+away my Montero-cap to the first beggar who comes to the door, if I do
+not manage this matter to his honour’s satisfaction.</p>
+
+<p>The completion was no further off than the very next morning; which
+was that of the storm of the counterscarp betwixt the <i>Lower
+Deule</i>, to the right, and the gate <i>St. Andrew</i>,&mdash;and on
+the left, between St. <i>Magdalen’s</i> and the river.</p>
+
+<p>As this was the most memorable attack in the whole war,&mdash;the
+most gallant and obstinate on both sides,&mdash;and I must add the most
+bloody too, for it cost the allies themselves that morning above eleven
+hundred men,&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> prepared himself for it with a
+more than ordinary solemnity.</p>
+
+<p>The eve which preceded, as my uncle <i>Toby</i> went to bed, he
+ordered his ramallie wig, which had laid inside out for many years in
+the corner of an old <ins class = "correction"
+title = "text unchanged: expected form is ‘campaigning’">compaigning</ins> trunk, which stood by
+his bedside, to be taken out and laid upon the lid of it, ready for the
+morning;&mdash;and the very first thing he did in his shirt, when he had
+stepped out of bed, my uncle <i>Toby</i>, after he had turned the rough
+side outwards,&mdash;put it on:&mdash;&mdash;This done, he proceeded
+next to his breeches, and having buttoned the waistband, he forthwith
+buckled on his sword-belt, and had got his sword half way in,&mdash;when
+he considered he should want shaving, and that it would be very
+inconvenient doing it with his sword on,&mdash;so took it
+off:&mdash;&mdash;In assaying to put on his regimental coat and
+waistcoat, my uncle <i>Toby</i> found the same objection in his
+wig,&mdash;so that went off too:&mdash;So that what with one thing and
+what with another, as always falls out when a man is in the most
+haste,&mdash;’twas ten o’clock, which was half an hour later than his
+usual time, before my uncle <i>Toby</i> sallied out.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXV" id = "bookVI_chapXXV">
+CHAPTER XXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> uncle <i>Toby</i> had scarce
+turned the corner of his yew hedge, which separated his kitchen-garden
+from his bowling-green, when he perceived the corporal had begun the
+attack without <span class =
+"locked">him.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Let me stop and give you a picture of the corporal’s apparatus; and
+of the corporal himself in the height of his attack, just as it
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page332" id = "page332">332</a></span>
+struck my uncle <i>Toby</i>, as he turned towards the sentry-box, where
+the corporal was at work,&mdash;&mdash;for in nature there is not such
+another,&mdash;&mdash;nor can any combination of all that is grotesque
+and whimsical in her works produce its equal.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Tread lightly on his ashes, ye men of
+genius,&mdash;&mdash;for he was your kinsman:</p>
+
+<p>Weed his grave clean, ye men of goodness,&mdash;for he was your
+brother.&mdash;Oh corporal! had I thee, but now,&mdash;now, that I am
+able to give thee a dinner and protection,&mdash;how would I cherish
+thee! thou should’st wear thy Montero-cap every hour of the day, and
+every day of the week,&mdash;and when it was worn out, I&nbsp;would
+purchase thee a couple like it:&mdash;&mdash;But alas! alas! alas! now
+that I can do this in spite of their reverences&mdash;the occasion is
+lost&mdash;for thou art gone;&mdash;thy genius fled up to the stars from
+whence it came;&mdash;and that warm heart of thine, with all its
+generous and open vessels, compressed into a <i>clod of the
+valley!</i></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But what&mdash;&mdash;what is this, to that future and
+dreaded page, where I look towards the velvet pall, decorated with the
+military ensigns of thy master&mdash;the first&mdash;the foremost of
+created beings;&mdash;&mdash;where, I&nbsp;shall see thee, faithful
+servant! laying his sword and scabbard with a trembling hand across his
+coffin, and then returning pale as ashes to the door, to take his
+mourning horse by the bridle, to follow his hearse, as he directed
+thee;&mdash;&mdash;where&mdash;all my father’s systems shall be baffled
+by his sorrows; and, in spite of his philosophy, I&nbsp;shall behold
+him, as he inspects the lackered plate, twice taking his spectacles from
+off his nose, to wipe away the dew which nature has shed upon
+them&mdash;&mdash;When I see him cast in the rosemary with an air of
+disconsolation, which cries through my ears,&mdash;&mdash;O <i>Toby!</i>
+in what corner of the world shall I seek thy fellow?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Gracious powers! which erst have opened the lips of the
+dumb in his distress, and made the tongue of the stammerer speak
+plain&mdash;&mdash;when I shall arrive at this dreaded page, deal not
+with me, then, with a stinted hand.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXVI" id = "bookVI_chapXXVI">
+CHAPTER XXVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> corporal, who the night before
+had resolved in his mind to supply the grand <i>desideratum</i>, of
+keeping up something like an incessant firing upon the enemy during the
+heat of the attack,&mdash;had no further idea in his fancy at that time,
+than a contrivance
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page333" id = "page333">333</a></span>
+of smoking tobacco against the town, out of one of my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> six field-pieces, which were planted on each side of his
+sentry-box; the means of effecting which occurring to his fancy at the
+time same, though he had pledged his cap, he thought it in no danger
+from the miscarriage of his projects.</p>
+
+<p>Upon turning it this way, and that, a little in his mind, he soon
+began to find out, that by means of his two <i>Turkish</i>
+tobacco-pipes, with the supplement of three smaller tubes of
+wash-leather at each of their lower ends, to be tagg’d by the same
+number of tin-pipes fitted to the touch-holes, and sealed with clay next
+the cannon, and then tied hermetically with waxed silk at their several
+insertions into the <i>Morocco</i> tube,&mdash;he should be able to fire
+the six field-pieces all together, and with the same ease as to fire
+<span class = "locked">one.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Let no man say from what taggs and jaggs hints may not
+be cut out for the advancement of human knowledge. Let no man, who has
+read my father’s first and second <i>beds of justice</i>, ever rise up
+and say again, from collision of what kinds of bodies light may or may
+not be struck out, to carry the arts and sciences up to
+perfection.&mdash;&mdash;Heaven! thou knowest how I love
+them;&mdash;&mdash;thou knowest the secrets of my heart, and that I
+would this moment give my shirt&mdash;&mdash;Thou art a fool,
+<i>Shandy</i>, says <i>Eugenius</i>, for thou hast but a dozen in the
+world,&mdash;and ’twill break thy <span class =
+"locked">set.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>No matter for that, <i>Eugenius</i>; I would give the shirt off my
+back to be burned into tinder, were it only to satisfy one feverish
+enquirer, how many sparks at one good stroke, a&nbsp;good flint and
+steel could strike into the tail of it.&mdash;&mdash;Think ye not that
+in striking these <i>in</i>,&mdash;he might, peradventure, strike
+something <i>out?</i> as sure as a <span class =
+"locked">gun.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But this project, by the bye.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal sat up the best part of the night, in bringing
+<i>his</i> to perfection; and having made a sufficient proof of his
+cannon, with charging them to the top with tobacco,&mdash;he went with
+contentment to bed.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXVII" id = "bookVI_chapXXVII">
+CHAPTER XXVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> corporal had slipped out about
+ten minutes before my uncle <i>Toby</i>, in order to fix his apparatus,
+and just give the enemy a shot or two before my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+came.</p>
+
+<p>He had drawn the six field-pieces for this end, all close up
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page334" id = "page334">334</a></span>
+together in front of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> sentry-box, leaving only an
+interval of about a yard and a half betwixt the three, on the right and
+left, for the convenience of charging, &amp;c.&mdash;and the sake
+possibly of two batteries, which he might think double the honour of
+one.</p>
+
+<p>In the rear and facing this opening, with his back to the door of the
+sentry-box, for fear of being flanked, had the corporal wisely taken his
+post:&mdash;&mdash;He held the ivory pipe, appertaining to the battery
+on the right, betwixt the finger and thumb of his right hand,&mdash;and
+the ebony pipe tipp’d with silver, which appertained to the battery on
+the left, betwixt the finger and thumb of the other&mdash;&mdash;and
+with his right knee fixed firm upon the ground, as if in the front rank
+of his platoon, was the corporal with his Montero-cap upon his head,
+furiously playing off his two cross batteries at the same time against
+the counter-guard, which faced the counter-scarp, where the attack was
+to be made that morning. His first intention, as I said, was no more
+than giving the enemy a single puff or two;&mdash;but the pleasure of
+the <i>puffs</i>, as well as the <i>puffing</i>, had insensibly got hold
+of the corporal, and drawn him on from puff to puff, into the very
+height of the attack, by the time my uncle <i>Toby</i> joined him.</p>
+
+<p>’Twas well for my father, that my uncle <i>Toby</i> had not his will
+to make that day.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXVIII" id = "bookVI_chapXXVIII">
+CHAPTER XXVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> uncle <i>Toby</i> took the ivory
+pipe out of the corporal’s hand,&mdash;looked at it for half a minute,
+and returned&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>In less than two minutes, my uncle <i>Toby</i> took the pipe from the
+corporal again, and raised it half way to his mouth&mdash;&mdash;then
+hastily gave it back a second time.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal redoubled the attack,&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+smiled,&mdash;&mdash;then looked grave,&mdash;&mdash;then smiled for a
+moment,&mdash;&mdash;then looked serious for a long
+time;&mdash;&mdash;Give me hold of the ivory pipe, <i>Trim</i>, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> put it to his
+lips,&mdash;&mdash;drew it back directly,&mdash;gave a peep over the
+horn-beam hedge;&mdash;&mdash;never did my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> mouth
+water so much for a pipe in his life.&mdash;&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i>
+retired into the sentry-box with the pipe in his <span class =
+"locked">hand.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Dear uncle <i>Toby!</i> don’t go into the sentry-box
+with the pipe,&mdash;there’s no trusting a man’s self with such a thing
+in such a corner.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page335" id = "page335">335</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXIX" id = "bookVI_chapXXIX">
+CHAPTER XXIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I beg</span> the reader will assist me
+here, to wheel off my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> ordnance behind the
+scenes,&mdash;&mdash;to remove his sentry-box, and clear the theatre,
+<i>if possible</i>, of horn-works and half moons, and get the rest of
+his military apparatus out of the way;&mdash;&mdash;that done, my dear
+friend <i>Garrick</i>, we’ll snuff the candles bright,&mdash;sweep the
+stage with a new broom,&mdash;draw up the curtain, and exhibit my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> dressed in a new character, throughout which the world can
+have no idea how he will act: and yet, if pity be a-kin to
+love,&mdash;and bravery no alien to it, you have seen enough of my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> in these, to trace these family likenesses betwixt the two
+passions (in&nbsp;case there is one) to your heart’s content.</p>
+
+<p>Vain science! thou assistest us in no case of this kind&mdash;and
+thou puzzlest us in every one.</p>
+
+<p>There was, Madam, in my uncle <i>Toby</i>, a singleness of heart
+which misled him so far out of the little serpentine tracks in which
+things of this nature usually go on; you can&mdash;you can have no
+conception of it: with this, there was a plainness and simplicity of
+thinking, with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the plies and foldings
+of the heart of woman;&mdash;&mdash;and so naked and defenceless did he
+stand before you (when a siege was out of his head), that you might have
+stood behind any one of your serpentine walks, and shot my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> ten times in a day, through his liver, if nine times in a
+day, Madam, had not served your purpose.</p>
+
+<p>With all this, Madam,&mdash;and what confounded everything as much on
+the other hand, my uncle <i>Toby</i> had that unparalleled modesty of
+nature I once told you of, and which, by the bye, stood eternal sentry
+upon his feelings, that you might as soon&mdash;&mdash;But where am I
+going? these reflections crowd in upon me ten pages at least too soon,
+and take up that time, which I ought to bestow upon facts.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXX" id = "bookVI_chapXXX">
+CHAPTER XXX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Of</span> the few legitimate sons of
+<i>Adam</i> whose breasts never felt what the sting of love
+was,&mdash;(maintaining first, all mysogynists to be bastards)&mdash;the
+greatest heroes of ancient and modern story have carried off amongst
+them nine parts in ten of the honour;
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page336" id = "page336">336</a></span>
+and I wish for their sakes I had the key of my study, out of my
+draw-well, only for five minutes, to tell you their
+names&mdash;recollect them I cannot&mdash;so be content to accept of
+these, for the present, in their <span class =
+"locked">stead.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>There was the great king <i>Aldrovandus</i>, and <i>Bosphorus</i>,
+and <i>Cappadocius</i>, and <i>Dardanus</i>, and <i>Pontus</i>, and
+<i>Asius</i>,&mdash;&mdash;to say nothing of the iron-hearted
+<i>Charles</i> the XIIth, whom the Countess of K***** herself could make
+nothing of.&mdash;&mdash;There was <i>Babylonicus</i>, and
+<i>Mediterraneus</i>, and <i>Polixenes</i>, and <i>Persicus</i>, and
+<i>Prusicus</i>, not one of whom (except <i>Cappadocius</i> and
+<i>Pontus</i>, who were both a little suspected) ever once bowed down
+his breast to the goddess&mdash;&mdash;The truth is, they had all of
+them something else to do&mdash;and so had my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;till Fate&mdash;till Fate I say, envying his name the
+glory of being handed down to posterity with <i>Aldrovandus’s</i> and
+the rest,&mdash;she basely patched up the peace of <i>Utrecht</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Believe me, Sirs, ’twas the worst deed she did that
+year.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXXI" id = "bookVI_chapXXXI">
+CHAPTER XXXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Amongst</span> the many ill consequences of
+the treaty of <i>Utrecht</i>, it was within a point of giving my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> a surfeit of sieges; and though he recovered his appetite
+afterwards, yet <i>Calais</i> itself left not a deeper scar in
+<i>Mary’s</i> heart, than <i>Utrecht</i> upon my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>. To
+the end of his life he never could hear <i>Utrecht</i> mentioned upon
+any account whatever,&mdash;or so much as read an article of news
+extracted out of the <i>Utrecht Gazette</i>, without fetching a sigh, as
+if his heart would break in twain.</p>
+
+<p>My father, who was a great <span class =
+"smallroman">MOTIVE-MONGER</span>, and consequently a very dangerous
+person for a man to sit by, either laughing or crying,&mdash;for he
+generally knew your motive for doing both, much better than you knew it
+yourself&mdash;would always console my uncle <i>Toby</i> upon these
+occasions, in a way, which shewed plainly, he imagined my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> grieved for nothing in the whole affair, so much as the loss
+of his <i>hobby-horse</i>.&mdash;&mdash;Never mind, brother <i>Toby</i>,
+he would say,&mdash;by God’s blessing we shall have another war break
+out again some of these days; and when it does,&mdash;the belligerent
+powers, if they would hang themselves, cannot keep us out of
+play.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;defy ’em, my dear <i>Toby</i>, he would add,
+to take countries without taking towns,&mdash;&mdash;or towns without
+sieges.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> never took this back-stroke of my father’s at
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page337" id = "page337">337</a></span>
+his hobby-horse kindly.&mdash;&mdash;He thought the stroke ungenerous;
+and the more so, because in striking the horse he hit the rider too, and
+in the most dishonourable part a blow could fall; so that upon these
+occasions, he always laid down his pipe upon the table with more fire to
+defend himself than common.</p>
+
+<p>I told the reader, this time two years, that my uncle <i>Toby</i> was
+not eloquent; and in the very same page gave an instance to the
+contrary:&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;repeat the observation, and a fact which
+contradicts it again.&mdash;He was not eloquent,&mdash;it was not easy
+to my uncle <i>Toby</i> to make long harangues,&mdash;and he hated
+florid ones; but there were occasions where the stream overflowed the
+man, and ran so counter to its usual course, that in some parts my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, for a time, was at least equal to
+<i>Tertullus</i>&mdash;&mdash;but in others, in my own opinion,
+infinitely above him.</p>
+
+<p>My father was so highly pleased with one of these apologetical
+orations of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>, which he had delivered one evening
+before him and <i>Yorick</i>, that he wrote it down before he went to
+bed.</p>
+
+<p>I have had the good fortune to meet with it amongst my father’s
+papers, with here and there an insertion of his own, betwixt two crooks,
+thus [&emsp;&emsp;], and is endorsed,</p>
+
+<h5>MY BROTHER TOBY’S JUSTIFICATION OF HIS OWN PRINCIPLES AND CONDUCT IN
+WISHING TO CONTINUE THE WAR</h5>
+
+<p>I may safely say, I have read over this apologetical oration of my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> a hundred times, and think it so fine a model of
+defence,&mdash;and shows so sweet a temperament of gallantry and good
+principles in him, that I give it the world, word for word
+(interlineations and all), as I find&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXXII" id = "bookVI_chapXXXII">
+CHAPTER XXXII</a></h4>
+
+<h5><a name = "bookVI_apology" id = "bookVI_apology">
+MY UNCLE TOBY’S APOLOGETICAL ORATION</a></h5>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I am</span> not insensible, brother
+<i>Shandy</i>, that when a man whose profession is arms, wishes, as I
+have done, for war,&mdash;it has an ill aspect to the
+world;&mdash;&mdash;and that, how just and right soever his motives and
+intentions may be,&mdash;he stands in an uneasy posture in vindicating
+himself from private views in doing&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>For this cause, if a soldier is a prudent man, which he may be
+without being a jot the less brave, he will be sure not to utter his
+wish in the hearing of an enemy; for say what he will, an
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page338" id = "page338">338</a></span>
+enemy will not believe him.&mdash;&mdash;He will be cautious of doing it
+even to a friend,&mdash;lest he may suffer in his
+esteem:&mdash;&mdash;But if his heart is overcharged, and a secret sigh
+for arms must have its vent, he will reserve it for the ear of a
+brother, who knows his character to the bottom, and what his true
+notions, dispositions, and principles of honour are: What,
+I&nbsp;<i>hope</i>, I&nbsp;have been in all these, brother
+<i>Shandy</i>, would be unbecoming in me to say:&mdash;&mdash;much
+worse, I&nbsp;know, have I been than I ought,&mdash;and something worse,
+perhaps, than I think: But such as I am, you, my dear brother
+<i>Shandy</i>, who have sucked the same breasts with me,&mdash;and with
+whom I have been brought up from my cradle,&mdash;and from whose
+knowledge, from the first hours of our boyish pastimes, down to this,
+I&nbsp;have concealed no one action of my life, and scarce a thought in
+it&mdash;&mdash;Such as I am, brother, you must by this time know me,
+with all my vices, and with all my weaknesses too, whether of my age, my
+temper, my passions, or my understanding.</p>
+
+<p>Tell me then, my dear brother <i>Shandy</i>, upon which of them it
+is, that when I condemned the peace of <i>Utrecht</i>, and grieved the
+war was not carried on with vigour a little longer, you should think
+your brother did it upon unworthy views; or that in wishing for war, he
+should be bad enough to wish more of his fellow-creatures
+slain,&mdash;more slaves made, and more families driven from their
+peaceful habitations, merely for his own pleasure:&mdash;&mdash;Tell me,
+brother <i>Shandy</i>, upon what one deed of mine do you ground it?
+[<i>The devil a deed do I know of, dear <em>Toby</em>, but one for a
+hundred pounds, which I lent thee to carry on these cursed
+sieges.</i>]</p>
+
+<p>If, when I was a school-boy, I could not hear a drum beat, but my
+heart beat with it&mdash;was it my fault? Did I plant the propensity
+there?&mdash;&mdash;Did I sound the alarm within, or Nature?</p>
+
+<p>When <i>Guy</i>, Earl of <i>Warwick</i>, and <i>Parismus</i> and
+<i>Parismenus</i>, and <i>Valentine</i> and <i>Orson</i>, and the
+<i>Seven Champions of England</i>, were handed around the
+school,&mdash;were they not all purchased with my own pocket-money? Was
+that selfish, brother <i>Shandy?</i> When we read over the siege of
+<i>Troy</i>, which lasted ten years and eight
+months,&mdash;&mdash;though with such a train of artillery as we had at
+<i>Namur</i>, the town might have been carried in a week&mdash;was I not
+as much concerned for the destruction of the <i>Greeks</i> and
+<i>Trojans</i> as any boy of the whole school? Had I not three strokes
+of a ferula given me, two on my right hand, and one on my left, for
+calling <i>Helena</i> a bitch for it? Did any one of you shed more tears
+for <i>Hector?</i> And when king <i>Priam</i> came to
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page339" id = "page339">339</a></span>
+the camp to beg his body, and returned weeping back to <i>Troy</i>
+without it,&mdash;you know, brother, I&nbsp;could not eat my <span class
+= "locked">dinner.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Did that bespeak me cruel? Or because, brother
+<i>Shandy</i>, my blood flew out into the camp, and my heart panted for
+war,&mdash;was it a proof it could not ache for the distresses of war
+too?</p>
+
+<p>O brother! ’tis one thing for a soldier to gather laurels,&mdash;and
+’tis another to scatter cypress.&mdash;&mdash;[<i>Who told thee, my dear
+<em>Toby</em>, that cypress was used by the antients on mournful
+occasions?</i>]</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis one thing, brother <i>Shandy</i>, for a soldier to
+hazard his own life&mdash;to leap first down into the trench, where he
+is sure to be cut in pieces:&mdash;&mdash;’Tis one thing, from public
+spirit and a thirst of glory, to enter the breach the first
+man,&mdash;To stand in the foremost rank, and march bravely on with
+drums and trumpets, and colours flying about his ears:&mdash;&mdash;’Tis
+one thing, I&nbsp;say, brother <i>Shandy</i>, to do this,&mdash;and ’tis
+another thing to reflect on the miseries of war;&mdash;to view the
+desolations of whole countries, and consider the intolerable fatigues
+and hardships which the soldier himself, the instrument who works them,
+is forced (for sixpence a day, if he can get&nbsp;it) to undergo.</p>
+
+<p>Need I be told, dear <i>Yorick</i>, as I was by you, in <i>Le
+Fever’s</i> funeral sermon, <i>That so soft and gentle a creature, born
+to love, to mercy, and kindness, as man is, was not shaped for
+this?</i>&mdash;&mdash;But why did you not add, <i>Yorick</i>,&mdash;if
+not by <span class = "smallroman">NATURE</span>&mdash;that he is so by
+<span class = "smallroman">NECESSITY</span>?&mdash;&mdash;For what is
+war? what is it, <i>Yorick</i>, when fought as ours has been, upon
+principles of <i>liberty</i>, and upon principles of
+<i>honour</i>&mdash;&mdash;what is it, but the getting together of quiet
+and harmless people, with their swords in their hands, to keep the
+ambitious and the turbulent within bounds? And heaven is my witness,
+brother <i>Shandy</i>, that the pleasure I have taken in these
+things,&mdash;and that infinite delight, in particular, which has
+attended my sieges in my bowling-green, has arose within me, and I hope
+in the corporal too, from the consciousness we both had, that in
+carrying them on, we were answering the great ends of our creation.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXXIII" id = "bookVI_chapXXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I told</span> the Christian
+reader&mdash;&mdash;I say <i>Christian</i>&mdash;&mdash;hoping he is
+one&mdash;&mdash;and if he is not, I&nbsp;am sorry for
+it&mdash;&mdash;and only beg he will consider the matter with himself,
+and not lay the blame entirely upon this <span class =
+"locked">book&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I told him, Sir&mdash;&mdash;for in good truth, when a man is telling
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page340" id = "page340">340</a></span>
+a story in the strange way I do mine, he is obliged continually to be
+going backwards and forwards to keep all tight together in the reader’s
+fancy&mdash;&mdash;which, for my own part, if I did not take heed to do
+more than at first, there is so much unfixed and equivocal matter
+starting up, with so many breaks and gaps in it,&mdash;and so little
+service do the stars afford, which, nevertheless, I&nbsp;hang up in some
+of the darkest passages, knowing that the world is apt to lose its way,
+with all the lights the sun itself at noon-day can give
+it&mdash;&mdash;and now you see, I&nbsp;am lost <span class =
+"locked">myself!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But ’tis my father’s fault; and whenever my brains come
+to be dissected, you will perceive, without spectacles, that he has left
+a large uneven thread, as you sometimes see in an unsaleable piece of
+cambrick, running along the whole length of the web, and so untowardly,
+you cannot so much as cut out a *&nbsp;*, (here I hang up a couple of
+lights again)&mdash;&mdash;or a fillet, or a thumb-stall, but it is seen
+or <span class = "locked">felt.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Quanto id diligentius in liberis procreandis cavendum</i>, sayeth
+<i>Cardan</i>. All which being considered, and that you see ’tis morally
+impracticable for me to wind this round to where I set <span class =
+"locked">out&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I begin the chapter over again.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXXIV" id = "bookVI_chapXXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I told</span> the Christian reader in the
+beginning of the chapter which preceded my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+apologetical oration,&mdash;though in a different trope from what I
+should make use of now, That the peace of <i>Utrecht</i> was within an
+ace of creating the same shyness betwixt my uncle <i>Toby</i> and his
+hobby-horse, as it did betwixt the queen and the rest of the
+confederating powers.</p>
+
+<p>There is an indignant way in which a man sometimes dismounts his
+horse, which as good as says to him, “I’ll go afoot, Sir, all the days
+of my life, before I would ride a single mile upon your back again.” Now
+my uncle <i>Toby</i> could not be said to dismount his horse in this
+manner; for in strictness of language, he could not be said to dismount
+his horse at all&mdash;&mdash;his horse rather flung
+him&mdash;&mdash;and somewhat <i>viciously</i>, which made my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> take it ten times more unkindly. Let this matter be settled
+by state-jockies as they like.&mdash;&mdash;It created, I&nbsp;say,
+a&nbsp;sort of shyness betwixt my uncle <i>Toby</i> and his
+hobby-horse.&mdash;&mdash;He had no occasion for him from the month of
+<i>March</i>
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page341" id = "page341">341</a></span>
+to <i>November</i>, which was the summer after the articles were signed,
+except it was now and then to take a short ride out, just to see that
+the fortifications and harbour of <i>Dunkirk</i> were demolished,
+according to stipulation.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>French</i> were so backwards all that summer in setting about
+that affair, and Monsieur <i>Tugghe</i>, the Deputy from the magistrates
+of <i>Dunkirk</i>, presented so many affecting petitions to the
+queen,&mdash;beseeching her majesty to cause only her thunder-bolts to
+fall upon the martial works, which might have incurred her
+displeasure,&mdash;but to spare&mdash;to spare the mole, for the mole’s
+sake; which, in its naked situation, could be no more than an object of
+pity&mdash;&mdash;and the queen (who was but a woman) being of a pitiful
+disposition,&mdash;and her ministers also, they not wishing in their
+hearts to have the town dismantled, for these private reasons,
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </span>
+&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&emsp;
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </span>
+; so that the whole went heavily on with my uncle <i>Toby</i>; insomuch,
+that it was not within three full months, after he and the corporal had
+constructed the town, and put it in a condition to be destroyed, that
+the several commandants, commissaries, deputies, negociators, and
+intendants, would permit him to set about it.&mdash;&mdash;Fatal
+interval of inactivity!</p>
+
+<p>The corporal was for beginning the demolition, by making a breach in
+the ramparts, or main fortifications of the
+town&mdash;&mdash;No,&mdash;that will never do, corporal, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, for in going that way to work with the town, the
+<i>English</i> garrison will not be safe in it an hour; because if the
+<ins class = "correction"
+title = "printed in Roman (non-italic) type"><i>French</i></ins> are treacherous&mdash;&mdash;They are as
+treacherous as devils, an’ please your honour, said the
+corporal&mdash;&mdash;It gives me concern always when I hear it,
+<i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;for they don’t want
+personal bravery; and if a breach is made in the ramparts, they may
+enter it, and make themselves masters of the place when they
+please:&mdash;&mdash;Let them enter it, said the corporal, lifting up
+his pioneer’s spade in both his hands, as if he was going to lay about
+him with it,&mdash;let them enter, an’ please your honour, if they
+dare.&mdash;&mdash;In cases like this, corporal, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, slipping his right hand down to the middle of his cane, and
+holding it afterwards truncheon-wise with his forefinger
+extended,&mdash;&mdash;’tis no part of the consideration of a
+commandant, what the enemy dare,&mdash;or what they dare not do; he must
+act with prudence. We will begin with the outworks both towards the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page342" id = "page342">342</a></span>
+sea and the land, and particularly with fort <i>Louis</i>, the most
+distant of them all, and demolish it first,&mdash;and the rest, one by
+one, both on our right and left, as we retreat towards the
+town;&mdash;&mdash;then we’ll demolish the mole,&mdash;next fill up the
+harbour,&mdash;then retire into the citadel, and blow it up into the
+air: and having done that, corporal, we’ll embark for
+<i>England</i>.&mdash;&mdash;We are there, quoth the corporal,
+recollecting himself&mdash;&mdash;Very true, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;looking at the church.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXXV" id = "bookVI_chapXXXV">
+CHAPTER XXXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">A delusive</span>, delicious consultation
+or two of this kind, betwixt my uncle <i>Toby</i> and <i>Trim</i>, upon
+the demolition of <i>Dunkirk</i>,&mdash;for a moment rallied back the
+ideas of those pleasures, which were slipping from under
+him:&mdash;&mdash;still&mdash;still all went on heavily&mdash;&mdash;the
+magic left the mind the weaker&mdash;<span class =
+"smallcaps">Stillness</span>, with <span class =
+"smallcaps">Silence</span> at her back, entered the solitary parlour,
+and drew their gauzy mantle over my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+head;&mdash;&mdash;and <span class = "smallcaps">Listlessness</span>,
+with her lax fibre and undirected eye, sat quietly down beside him in
+his arm-chair.&mdash;&mdash;No longer <i>Amberg</i> and <i>Rhinberg</i>,
+and <i>Limbourg</i>, and <i>Huy</i>, and <i>Bonn</i>, in one
+year,&mdash;and the prospect of <i>Landen</i>, and <i>Trerebach</i>, and
+<i>Drusen</i>, and <i>Dendermond</i>, the next,&mdash;hurried on the
+blood:&mdash;No longer did saps, and mines, and blinds, and gabions, and
+palisadoes, keep out this fair enemy of man’s repose:&mdash;&mdash;No
+more could my uncle <i>Toby</i>, after passing the <i>French</i> lines,
+as he eat his egg at supper, from thence break into the heart of
+<i>France</i>,&mdash;cross over the <i>Oyes</i>, and with all
+<i>Picardie</i> open behind him, march up to the gates of <i>Paris</i>,
+and fall asleep with nothing but ideas of glory:&mdash;&mdash;No more
+was he to dream he had fixed the royal standard upon the tower of the
+<i>Bastile</i>, and awake with it streaming in his head.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Softer visions,&mdash;gentler vibrations stole sweetly
+in upon his slumbers;&mdash;the trumpet of war fell out of his
+hands,&mdash;he took up the lute, sweet instrument! of all others the
+most delicate! the most difficult!&mdash;&mdash;how wilt thou touch it,
+my dear uncle <i>Toby?</i></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXXVI" id = "bookVI_chapXXXVI">
+CHAPTER XXXVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Now</span>, because I have once or twice
+said, in my inconsiderate way of talking, That I was confident the
+following memoirs of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> courtship of widow
+<i>Wadman</i>, whenever I got time to write them, would turn out one of
+the most complete systems,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page343" id = "page343">343</a></span>
+both of the elementary and practical part of love and love-making, that
+ever was addressed to the world&mdash;&mdash;are you to imagine from
+thence, that I shall set out with a description of <i>what love is?</i>
+whether part God and part Devil, as <i>Plotinus</i> will have <span
+class = "locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Or by a more critical equation, and supposing the whole
+of love to be as ten&mdash;&mdash;to determine with <i>Ficinus</i>,
+“<i>How many parts of it&mdash;the one,&mdash;and how many the
+other</i>;”&mdash;or whether it is <i>all of it one great Devil</i>,
+from head to tail, as <i>Plato</i> has taken upon him to pronounce;
+concerning which conceit of his, I&nbsp;shall not offer my
+opinion:&mdash;but my opinion of <i>Plato</i> is this; that he appears,
+from this instance, to have been a man of much the same temper and way
+of reasoning with doctor <i>Baynyard</i>, who being a great enemy to
+blisters, as imagining that half a dozen of ’em at once, would draw a
+man as surely to his grave, as a herse and six&mdash;rashly concluded,
+that the Devil himself was nothing in the world, but one great bouncing
+<span class =
+"locked"><i>Canthari[di]s</i>.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I have nothing to say to people who allow themselves this monstrous
+liberty in arguing, but what <i>Nazianzen</i> cried out (<i>that is,
+polemically</i>) to <span class =
+"locked"><i>Philagrius</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“<ins class = "correction greek"
+title = "Euge! [printed ῏Ευγε!]">Εὖγε!</ins>” <i>O rare! ’tis fine reasoning, Sir,
+indeed!</i>&mdash;“<span class = "greek"
+title = "hoti philosopheis en Pathesi">ὅτι <ins class = "correction"
+title = "printed ‘φιλοσοφεἶς’">φιλοσοφεῖς</ins> ἐν Πάθεσι</span>”&mdash;<i>and most nobly
+do you aim at truth, when you philosophize about it in your moods and
+passions.</i></p>
+
+<p>Nor is it to be imagined, for the same reason, I should stop to
+inquire, whether love is a disease,&mdash;&mdash;or embroil myself with
+<i>Rhasis</i> and <i>Dioscorides</i>, whether the seat of it is in the
+brain or liver;&mdash;because this would lead me on, to an examination
+of the two very opposite manners, in which patients have been
+treated&mdash;&mdash;the one, of <ins class = "correction"
+title = "text unchanged: expected form ‘Æetius’"><i>Aætius</i></ins>, who always begun
+with a cooling clyster of hempseed and bruised cucumbers;&mdash;and
+followed on with thin potations of water-lillies and purslane&mdash;to
+which he added a pinch of snuff of the herb <i>Hanea</i>;&mdash;and
+where <i>AĂŚtius</i> durst venture it,&mdash;his topaz-ring.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The other, that of <i>Gordonius</i>, who (in his cap.
+15. <i>de Amore</i><ins class = "correction"
+title = "close parenthesis missing at line-end">) </ins>directs they should be thrashed, “<i>ad
+putorem usque</i>,”&mdash;&mdash;till they stink again.</p>
+
+<p>These are disquisitions, which my father, who had laid in a great
+stock of knowledge of this kind, will be very busy with in the progress
+of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> affairs: I&nbsp;must anticipate thus much,
+That from his theories of love, (with which, by the way, he contrived to
+crucify my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> mind, almost as much as his amours
+themselves)&mdash;he took a single step into practice;&mdash;and by
+means of a camphorated cerecloth, which he found
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page344" id = "page344">344</a></span>
+means to impose upon the taylor for buckram, whilst he was making my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> a new pair of breeches, he produced <i>Gordonius’s</i>
+effect upon my uncle <i>Toby</i> without the disgrace.</p>
+
+<p>What changes this produced, will be read in its proper place: all
+that is needful to be added to the anecdote, is this&mdash;&mdash;That
+whatever effect it had upon my uncle <i>Toby</i>,&mdash;&mdash;it had a
+vile effect upon the house;&mdash;&mdash;and if my uncle <i>Toby</i> had
+not smoaked it down as he did, it might have had a vile effect upon my
+father too.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXXVII" id = "bookVI_chapXXXVII">
+CHAPTER XXXVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">’Twill</span> come out of
+itself by and bye.&mdash;&mdash;All I contend for is, that I am not
+obliged to set out with a definition of what love is; and so long as I
+can go on with my story intelligibly, with the help of the word itself,
+without any other idea to it, than what I have in common with the rest
+of the world, why should I differ from it a moment before the
+time?&mdash;&mdash;When I can get on no further,&mdash;&mdash;and find
+myself entangled on all sides of this mystic labyrinth,&mdash;my Opinion
+will then come in, in course,&mdash;and lead me out.</p>
+
+<p>At present, I hope I shall be sufficiently understood, in telling the
+reader, my uncle <i>Toby fell in love</i>:</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Not that the phrase is at all to my liking: for to say a man
+is <i>fallen</i> in love,&mdash;or that he is <i>deeply</i> in
+love,&mdash;or <ins class = "correction"
+title = "printed in plain (non-italic) type">up to the ears</ins> in love,&mdash;and sometimes
+even <i>over head and ears in it</i>,&mdash;carries an idiomatical kind
+of implication, that love is a thing <i>below</i> a man:&mdash;this is
+recurring again to <i>Plato’s</i> opinion, which, with all his
+divinityship,&mdash;I&nbsp;hold to be damnable and heretical:&mdash;and
+so much for that.</p>
+
+<p>Let love therefore be what it will,&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> fell
+into&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And possibly, gentle reader, with such a
+temptation&mdash;so wouldst thou: For never did thy eyes behold, or thy
+concupiscence covet anything in this world, more concupiscible than
+widow <i>Wadman</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXXVIII" id = "bookVI_chapXXXVIII">
+CHAPTER XXXVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">To</span> conceive this right,&mdash;call
+for pen and ink&mdash;here’s paper ready to your hand.&mdash;&mdash;Sit
+down, Sir, paint her to your own mind&mdash;&mdash;as like your mistress
+as you can&mdash;&mdash;as unlike your wife as your conscience will let
+you&mdash;’tis all one to me&mdash;&mdash;please but your own fancy
+in&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page345" id = "page345">345</a></span>
+
+<img src = "images/onedot.gif" width = "12" height = "500"
+alt = "[blank space]" />
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page346" id = "page346">346</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Was ever any thing in Nature so sweet!&mdash;so
+exquisite!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Then, dear Sir, how could my uncle <i>Toby</i> resist
+it?</p>
+
+<p>Thrice happy book! thou wilt have one page, at least, within thy
+covers, which <span class = "smallcaps">Malice</span> will not blacken,
+and which <span class = "smallcaps">Ignorance</span> cannot
+misrepresent.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXXXIX" id = "bookVI_chapXXXIX">
+CHAPTER XXXIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> <i>Susannah</i> was informed by
+an express from Mrs. <i>Bridget</i>, of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> falling
+in love with her mistress fifteen days before it happened,&mdash;the
+contents of which express, <i>Susannah</i> communicated to my mother the
+next day,&mdash;it has just given me an opportunity of entering upon my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> amours a fortnight before their existence.</p>
+
+<p>I have an article of news to tell you, Mr. <i>Shandy</i>, quoth my
+mother, which will surprise you <span class =
+"locked">greatly.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Now my father was then holding one of his second beds of justice, and
+was musing within himself about the hardships of matrimony, as my mother
+broke <span class = "locked">silence.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“&mdash;&mdash;My brother <i>Toby</i>, quoth she, is going to be
+married to Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>.”</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Then he will never, quoth my father, be able to lie
+<i>diagonally</i> in his bed again as long as he lives.</p>
+
+<p>It was a consuming vexation to my father, that my mother never asked
+the meaning of a thing she did not understand.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;That she is not a woman of science, my father would
+say&mdash;is her misfortune&mdash;but she might ask a <span class =
+"locked">question.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My mother never did.&mdash;&mdash;In short, she went out of the world
+at last without knowing whether it turned <i>round</i>, or stood
+<i>still</i>.&mdash;&mdash;My father had officiously told her above a
+thousand times which way it was,&mdash;but she always forgot.</p>
+
+<p>For these reasons, a discourse seldom went on much further betwixt
+them, than a proposition,&mdash;a&nbsp;reply, and a rejoinder; at the
+end of which, it generally took breath for a few minutes (as&nbsp;in the
+affair of the breeches), and then went on again.</p>
+
+<p>If he marries, ’twill be the worse for us,&mdash;quoth my mother.</p>
+
+<p>Not a cherry-stone, said my father,&mdash;he may as well batter away
+his means upon that, as any thing else.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;To be sure, said my mother: so here ended the
+proposition,&mdash;the reply,&mdash;and the rejoinder, I&nbsp;told
+you&nbsp;of.</p>
+
+<p>It will be some amusement to him, too,&mdash;&mdash;said my
+father.</p>
+
+<p>A very great one, answered my mother, if he should have
+children.&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page347" id = "page347">347</a></span>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Lord have mercy upon me,&mdash;said my father to
+himself&mdash;&mdash;
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
+* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </span>
+</p>
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVI_chapXL" id = "bookVI_chapXL">
+CHAPTER XL</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I am</span> now beginning to get fairly
+into my work; and by the help of a vegetable diet, with a few of the
+cold seeds, I&nbsp;make no doubt but I shall be able to go on with my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> story, and my own, in a tolerable strait line.
+Now,</p>
+
+<p class = "illustration">
+<img src = "images/pg347a.png" width = "466" height = "353"
+alt = "squiggly lines captioned ‘Inv. T. S. / Scul. T. S.’"
+title = "Inv. T. S. / Scul. T. S." /></p>
+
+<p>These were the four lines I moved in through my first, second, third,
+and fourth volumes.<a class = "tag" name = "tag_6_4" id = "tag_6_4" href
+= "#note_6_4">4</a>&mdash;In the fifth volume I have been very
+good,&mdash;&mdash;the precise line I have described in it being
+this:</p>
+
+<p class = "illustration">
+<img src = "images/pg347b.png" width = "471" height = "134"
+alt = "squiggly line marked A, B, CC CCC, D"
+title = "A B CC CCC D" /></p>
+
+<p>By which it appears, that except at the curve, marked A, where
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page348" id = "page348">348</a></span>
+I took a trip to <i>Navarre</i>,&mdash;and the indented curve <i>B</i>,
+which is the short airing when I was there with the Lady
+<i>Baussiere</i> and her page,&mdash;I&nbsp;have not taken the least
+frisk of a digression, till <i>John de la Casse’s</i> devils led me the
+round you see marked D.&mdash;for as for
+<i>c&nbsp;c&nbsp;c&nbsp;c&nbsp;c</i> they are nothing but parentheses,
+and the common <i>ins</i> and <i>outs</i> incident to the lives of the
+greatest ministers of state; and when compared with what men have
+done,&mdash;or with my own transgressions at the letters
+A&nbsp;B&nbsp;D&mdash;they vanish into nothing.</p>
+
+<p>In this last volume I have done better still&mdash;for from the end
+of <i>Le Fever’s</i> episode, to the beginning of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+campaigns,&mdash;I&nbsp;have scarce stepped a yard out of my way.</p>
+
+<p>If I mend at this rate, it is not impossible&mdash;&mdash;by the good
+leave of his grace of <i>Benevento’s</i> devils&mdash;&mdash;but I may
+arrive hereafter at the excellency of going on even thus:</p>
+
+<hr class = "solid" />
+
+<p class = "continue">
+which is a line drawn as straight as I could draw it, by a
+writing-master’s ruler (borrowed for that purpose), turning neither to
+the right hand or to the left.</p>
+
+<p>This <i>right line</i>,&mdash;the path-way for Christians to walk in!
+say <span class = "locked">divines&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The emblem of moral rectitude! says
+<i>Cicero</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The <i>best line!</i> say cabbage
+planters&mdash;&mdash;is the shortest line, says <i>Archimedes</i>,
+which can be drawn from one given point to <span class =
+"locked">another.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I wish your ladyships would lay this matter to heart, in your next
+birth-day suits!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;What a journey!</p>
+
+<p>Pray can you tell me,&mdash;that is, without anger, before I write my
+chapter upon straight lines&mdash;&mdash;by what
+mistake&mdash;&mdash;who told them so&mdash;&mdash;or how it has come to
+pass, that your men of wit and genius have all along confounded this
+line, with the line of <span class =
+"smallroman">GRAVITATION</span>?</p>
+
+<div class = "footnote">
+
+<p><a name = "note_6_1" id = "note_6_1" href = "#tag_6_1">1.</a>
+In the first edition, the sixth volume began with this chapter.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_6_2" id = "note_6_2" href = "#tag_6_2">2.</a>
+Nous aurions quelque interêt, says <i>Baillet</i>, de montrer qu’il n’a
+rien de ridicule s’il étoit veritable, au moins dans le sens énigmatique
+que <i>Nicius ErythrÌus</i> a tâchÊ de lui donner. Cet auteur dit que
+pour comprendre comme <i>Lipse</i>, il a pĂť composer un ouvrage le
+premier jour de sa vie, il faut s’imaginer, que ce premier jour n’est
+pas celui de sa naissance charnelle, mais celui au quel il a commencĂŠ
+d’user de la raison; il veut que ç’ait été à l’âge de <i>neuf</i> ans;
+et il nous veut persuader que ce fut en cet âge, que <i>Lipse</i> fit un
+poĂŤme.&mdash;&mdash;Le tour est ingĂŠnieux, &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_6_3" id = "note_6_3" href = "#tag_6_3">3.</a>
+Vid. <i>Pellegrina</i>.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_6_4" id = "note_6_4" href = "#tag_6_4">4.</a>
+Alluding to the first edition.</p>
+
+</div>
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page349" id = "page349">349</a></span>
+<h3><a name = "bookVII" id = "bookVII">BOOK VII</a></h3>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapI" id = "bookVII_chapI">
+CHAPTER I</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">No</span>&mdash;&mdash;I think, I said, I
+would write two volumes every year, provided the vile cough which then
+tormented me, and which to this hour I dread worse than the devil, would
+but give me leave&mdash;and in another place&mdash;(but where,
+I&nbsp;can’t recollect now) speaking of my book as a <i>machine</i>, and
+laying my pen and ruler down cross-wise upon the table, in order to gain
+the greater credit to it&mdash;I&nbsp;swore it should be kept a going at
+that rate these forty years, if it pleased but the fountain of life to
+bless me so long with health and good spirits.</p>
+
+<p>Now as for my spirits, little have I to lay to their charge&mdash;nay
+so very little (unless the mounting me upon a long stick and playing the
+fool with me nineteen hours out of the twenty-four, be accusations) that
+on the contrary, I&nbsp;have much&mdash;much to thank ’em for: cheerily
+have ye made me tread the path of life with all the burthens of it
+(except its cares) upon my back; in no one moment of my existence, that
+I remember, have ye once deserted me, or tinged the objects which came
+in my way, either with sable, or with a sickly green; in dangers ye
+gilded my horizon with hope, and when <span class =
+"smallcaps">Death</span> himself knocked at my door&mdash;ye bad him
+come again; and in so gay a tone of careless indifference did ye do it,
+that he doubted of his <span class =
+"locked">commission&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“&mdash;There must certainly be some mistake in this matter,” quoth
+he.</p>
+
+<p>Now there is nothing in this world I abominate worse, than to be
+interrupted in a story&mdash;&mdash;and I was that moment telling
+<i>Eugenius</i> a most tawdry one in my way, of a nun who fancied
+herself a shell-fish, and of a monk damn’d for eating a muscle, and was
+shewing him the grounds and justice of the <span class =
+"locked">procedure&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“&mdash;Did ever so grave a personage get into so vile a scrape?”
+quoth Death. Thou hast had a narrow escape, <i>Tristram</i>, said
+<i>Eugenius</i>, taking hold of my hand as I finished my <span class =
+"locked">story&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>But there is no <i>living</i>, <i>Eugenius</i>, replied I, at this
+rate; for as this <i>son of a whore</i> has found out my <span class =
+"locked">lodgings&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;You call him rightly, said <i>Eugenius</i>,&mdash;for by sin,
+we are
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page350" id = "page350">350</a></span>
+told, he enter’d the world&mdash;&mdash;I care not which way he enter’d,
+quoth I, provided he be not in such a hurry to take me out with
+him&mdash;for I have forty volumes to write, and forty thousand things
+to say and do which no body in the world will say and do for me, except
+thyself; and as thou seest he has got me by the throat (for
+<i>Eugenius</i> could scarce hear me speak across the table), and that I
+am no match for him in the open field, had I not better, whilst these
+few scatter’d spirits remain, and these two spider legs of mine (holding
+one of them up to him) are able to support me&mdash;had I not better,
+<i>Eugenius</i>, fly for my life? ’Tis my advice, my dear
+<i>Tristram</i>, said <i>Eugenius</i>&mdash;Then by heaven! I&nbsp;will
+lead him a dance he little thinks of&mdash;&mdash;for I will gallop,
+quoth I, without looking once behind me, to the banks of the
+<i>Garonne</i>; and if I hear him clattering at my
+heels&mdash;&mdash;I’ll scamper away to mount
+<i>Vesuvius</i>&mdash;&mdash;from thence to <i>Joppa</i>, and from
+<i>Joppa</i> to the world’s end; where, if he follows me, I&nbsp;pray
+God he may break his <span class =
+"locked">neck&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;He runs more risk <i>there</i>, said <i>Eugenius</i>, than
+thou.</p>
+
+<p><i>Eugenius’s</i> wit and affection brought blood into the cheek from
+whence it had been some months banish’d&mdash;&mdash;’twas a vile moment
+to bid adieu in; he led me to my chaise&mdash;&mdash;<i>Allons!</i> said
+I; the postboy gave a crack with his whip&mdash;&mdash;off I went like a
+cannon, and in half a dozen bounds got into <i>Dover</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapII" id = "bookVII_chapII">
+CHAPTER II</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Now</span> hang it! quoth I, as I look’d
+towards the <i>French</i> coast&mdash;a&nbsp;man should know something
+of his own country too, before he goes abroad&mdash;&mdash;and I never
+gave a peep into <i>Rochester</i> church, or took notice of the dock of
+<i>Chatham</i>, or visited St. <i>Thomas</i> at <i>Canterbury</i>,
+though they all three laid in my <span class =
+"locked">way&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;But mine, indeed, is a particular case&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>So without arguing the matter further with <i>Thomas o’ Becket</i>,
+or any one else&mdash;I&nbsp;skip’d into the boat, and in five minutes
+we got under sail, and scudded away like the wind.</p>
+
+<p>Pray, captain, quoth I, as I was going down into the cabin, is a man
+never overtaken by <i>Death</i> in this passage?</p>
+
+<p>Why, there is not time for a man to be sick in it, replied
+he&mdash;&mdash;What a cursed lyar! for I am sick as a horse, quoth I,
+already&mdash;&mdash;what a brain!&mdash;&mdash;upside
+down!&mdash;&mdash;hey-day! the cells are broke loose one into another,
+and the blood, and the lymph, and the nervous juices, with the fix’d and
+volatile salts,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page351" id = "page351">351</a></span>
+are all jumbled into one mass&mdash;&mdash;good G&mdash;! everything
+turns round in it like a thousand whirlpools&mdash;&mdash;I’d give a
+shilling to know if I shan’t write the clearer for <span class =
+"locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Sick! sick! sick! sick!&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;When shall we get to land? captain&mdash;they have hearts like
+stones&mdash;&mdash;O I am deadly sick!&mdash;&mdash;reach me that
+thing, boy&mdash;&mdash;’tis the most discomfiting
+sickness&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish I was at the bottom&mdash;Madam! how
+is it with you? Undone! undone! un&mdash;&mdash;O! undone!
+sir&mdash;&mdash;What the first time?&mdash;&mdash;No, ’tis the second,
+third, sixth, tenth time, sir,&mdash;&mdash;hey-day!&mdash;what a
+trampling over head!&mdash;hollo! cabin boy! what’s the <span class =
+"locked">matter?&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The wind chopp’d about! s’Death!&mdash;then I shall meet him full in
+the face.</p>
+
+<p>What luck!&mdash;’tis chopp’d about again, master&mdash;&mdash;O the
+devil chop <span class = "locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Captain, quoth she, for heaven’s sake, let us get ashore.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapIII" id = "bookVII_chapIII">
+CHAPTER III</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> is a great inconvenience to a man
+in a haste, that there are three distinct roads between <i>Calais</i>
+and <i>Paris</i>, in behalf of which there is so much to be said by the
+several deputies from the towns which lie along them, that half a day is
+easily lost in settling which you’ll take.</p>
+
+<p>First, the road by <i>Lisle</i> and <i>Arras</i>, which is the most
+about&mdash;&mdash;but most interesting and instructing.</p>
+
+<p>The second, that by <i>Amiens</i>, which you may go, if you would see
+<span class = "locked"><i>Chantilly</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>And that by <i>Beauvais</i>, which you may go, if you will.</p>
+
+<p>For this reason a great many chuse to go by <i>Beauvais</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapIV" id = "bookVII_chapIV">
+CHAPTER IV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>“<span class = "firstword">Now</span> before I quit <i>Calais</i>,” a
+travel-writer would say, “it would not be amiss to give some account of
+it.”&mdash;Now I think it very much amiss&mdash;that a man cannot go
+quietly through a town and let it alone, when it does not meddle with
+him, but that he must be turning about and drawing his pen at every
+kennel he crosses over, merely o’ my conscience for the sake of drawing
+it; because, if we may judge from what has been wrote of these things,
+by all who have <i>wrote and gallop’d</i>&mdash;or who have
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page352" id = "page352">352</a></span>
+<i>gallop’d and wrote</i>, which is a different way still; or who, for
+more expedition than the rest, have <i>wrote galloping</i>, which is the
+way I do at present&mdash;&mdash;from the great <i>Addison</i>, who did
+it with his satchel of school books hanging at his a&mdash;, and galling
+his beast’s crupper at every stroke&mdash;there is not a gallopper of us
+all who might not have gone on ambling quietly in his own ground
+(in&nbsp;case he had any), and have wrote all he had to write, dryshod,
+as well as not.</p>
+
+<p>For my own part, as heaven is my judge, and to which I shall ever
+make my last appeal&mdash;I&nbsp;know no more of <i>Calais</i> (except
+the little my barber told me of it as he was whetting his razor), than I
+do this moment of <i>Grand Cairo</i>; for it was dusky in the evening
+when I landed, and dark as pitch in the morning when I set out, and yet
+by merely knowing what is what, and by drawing this from that in one
+part of the town, and by spelling and putting this and that together in
+another&mdash;I&nbsp;would lay any travelling odds, that I this moment
+write a chapter upon <i>Calais</i> as long as my arm; and with so
+distinct and satisfactory a detail of every item, which is worth a
+stranger’s curiosity in the town&mdash;that you would take me for the
+town-clerk of <i>Calais</i> itself&mdash;and where, sir, would be the
+wonder? was not <i>Democritus</i>, who laughed ten times more than
+I&mdash;town-clerk of <i>Abdera?</i> and was not (I&nbsp;forget his
+name) who had more discretion than us both, town-clerk of
+<i>Ephesus?</i>&mdash;&mdash;it should be penn’d moreover, sir, with so
+much knowledge and good sense, and truth, and <span class =
+"locked">precision&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Nay&mdash;if you don’t believe me, you may read the chapter
+for your pains.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapV" id = "bookVII_chapV">
+CHAPTER V</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Calais</span>, <i>Calatium</i>,
+<i>Calusium</i>, <i>Calesium</i>.</p>
+
+<p>This town, if we may trust its archives, the authority of which I see
+no reason to call in question in this place&mdash;was <i>once</i> no
+more than a small village belonging to one of the first Counts de
+<i>Guignes</i>; and as it boasts at present of no less than fourteen
+thousand inhabitants, exclusive of four hundred and twenty distinct
+families in the <i>basse ville</i>, or suburbs&mdash;&mdash;it must have
+grown up by little and little, I&nbsp;suppose, to its present size.</p>
+
+<p>Though there are four convents, there is but one parochial church in
+the whole town; I&nbsp;had not an opportunity of taking its exact
+dimensions, but it is pretty easy to make a tolerable conjecture of
+’em&mdash;for as there are fourteen thousand inhabitants
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page353" id = "page353">353</a></span>
+in the town, if the church holds them all it must be considerably
+large&mdash;and if it will not&mdash;’tis a very great pity they have
+not another&mdash;it is built in form of a cross, and dedicated to the
+Virgin <i>Mary</i>; the steeple, which has a spire to it, is placed in
+the middle of the church, and stands upon four pillars elegant and light
+enough, but sufficiently strong at the same time&mdash;it is decorated
+with eleven altars, most of which are rather fine than beautiful. The
+great altar is a masterpiece in its kind; ’tis of white marble, and, as
+I was told, near sixty feet high&mdash;had it been much higher, it had
+been as high as mount <i>Calvary</i> itself&mdash;therefore,
+I&nbsp;suppose it must be high enough in all conscience.</p>
+
+<p>There was nothing struck me more than the great <i>Square</i>; tho’
+I&nbsp;cannot say ’tis either well paved or well built; but ’tis in the
+heart of the town, and most of the streets, especially those in that
+quarter, all terminate in it; could there have been a fountain in all
+<i>Calais</i>, which it seems there cannot, as such an object would have
+been a great ornament, it is not to be doubted, but that the inhabitants
+would have had it in the very centre of this square,&mdash;not that it
+is properly a square,&mdash;because ’tis forty feet longer from east to
+west, than from north to south; so that the <i>French</i> in general
+have more reason on their side in calling them <i>Places</i> than
+<i>Squares</i>, which, strictly speaking, to be sure, they are not.</p>
+
+<p>The town-house seems to be but a sorry building, and not to be kept
+in the best repair; otherwise it had been a second great ornament to
+this place; it answers however its destination, and serves very well for
+the reception of the magistrates, who assemble in it from time to time;
+so that ’tis presumable, justice is regularly distributed.</p>
+
+<p>I have heard much of it, but there is nothing at all curious in the
+<i>Courgain</i>; ’tis a distinct quarter of the town, inhabited solely
+by sailors and fishermen; it consists of a number of small streets,
+neatly built and mostly of brick; ’tis extremely populous, but as that
+may be accounted for, from the principles of their diet,&mdash;there is
+nothing curious in that neither.&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;traveller may see
+it to satisfy himself&mdash;he must not omit however taking notice of
+<i>La Tour de Guet</i>, upon any account; ’tis so called from its
+particular destination, because in war it serves to discover and give
+notice of the enemies which approach the place, either by sea or
+land;&mdash;&mdash;but ’tis monstrous high, and catches the eye so
+continually, you cannot avoid taking notice of it if you would.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page354" id = "page354">354</a></span>
+<p>It was a singular disappointment to me, that I could not have
+permission to take an exact survey of the fortifications, which are the
+strongest in the world, and which, from first to last, that is, from the
+time they were set about by <i>Philip</i> of <i>France</i>, Count of
+<i>Boulogne</i>, to the present war, wherein many reparations were made,
+have cost (as&nbsp;I learned afterwards from an engineer in
+<i>Gascony</i>)&mdash;above a hundred millions of livres. It is very
+remarkable, that at the <i>TĂŞte de Gravelenes</i>, and where the town is
+naturally the weakest, they have expended the most money; so that the
+out-works stretch a great way into the campaign, and consequently occupy
+a large tract of ground&mdash;However, after all that is <i>said</i> and
+<i>done</i>, it must be acknowledged that <i>Calais</i> was never upon
+any account so considerable from itself, as from its situation, and that
+easy entrance which it gave our ancestors, upon all occasions, into
+<i>France</i>: it was not without its inconveniences also; being no less
+troublesome to the <i>English</i> in those times, than <i>Dunkirk</i>
+has been to us, in ours; so that it was deservedly looked upon as the
+key to both kingdoms, which no doubt is the reason that there have
+arisen so many contentions who should keep it: of these, the siege of
+<i>Calais</i>, or rather the blockade (for it was shut up both by land
+and sea), was the most memorable, as it withstood the efforts of
+<i>Edward</i> the Third a whole year, and was not terminated at last but
+by famine and extreme misery; the gallantry of <i>Eustace de St.
+Pierre</i>, who first offered himself a victim for his fellow-citizens,
+has rank’d his name with heroes. As it will not take up above fifty
+pages, it would be injustice to the reader, not to give him a minute
+account of that romantic transaction, as well as of the siege itself, in
+<i>Rapin’s</i> own words:</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapVI" id = "bookVII_chapVI">
+CHAPTER VI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">But</span> courage! gentle
+reader!&mdash;&mdash;I scorn it&mdash;&mdash;’tis enough to have thee in
+my power&mdash;&mdash;but to make use of the advantage which the fortune
+of the pen has now gained over thee, would be too
+much&mdash;&mdash;No&mdash;&mdash;! by that all-powerful fire which
+warms the visionary brain, and lights the spirits through unwordly
+tracts! ere I would force a helpless creature upon this hard service,
+and make thee pay, poor soul! for fifty pages, which I have no right to
+sell thee,&mdash;&mdash;naked as I am, I&nbsp;would browse upon the
+mountains, and smile that the north wind brought me neither my tent or
+my supper.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page355" id = "page355">355</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;So put on, my brave boy! and make the best of thy way to
+<i>Boulogne</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapVII" id = "bookVII_chapVII">
+CHAPTER VII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class =
+"firstword">Boulogne</span>!&mdash;&mdash;hah!&mdash;&mdash;so we are
+all got together&mdash;&mdash;debtors and sinners before heaven;
+a&nbsp;jolly set of us&mdash;but I can’t stay and quaff it off with
+you&mdash;I’m pursued myself like a hundred devils, and shall be
+overtaken, before I can well change horses:&mdash;&mdash;for heaven’s
+sake, make haste&mdash;&mdash;’Tis for high-treason, quoth a very little
+man, whispering as low as he could to a very tall man, that stood next
+him&mdash;&mdash;Or else for murder; quoth the tall
+man&mdash;&mdash;Well thrown, <i>Size-ace!</i> quoth&nbsp;I. No; quoth a
+third, the gentleman has been committing&mdash;&mdash;.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ah! ma chere fille!</i> said I, as she tripp’d by from her
+matins&mdash;you look as rosy as the morning (for the sun was rising,
+and it made the compliment the more gracious)&mdash;No; it can’t be
+that, quoth a fourth&mdash;&mdash;(she made a curt’sy to
+me&mdash;I&nbsp;kiss’d my hand) ’tis debt, continued he: ’Tis certainly
+for debt; quoth a fifth; I&nbsp;would not pay that gentleman’s debts,
+quoth <i>Ace</i>, for a thousand pounds; nor would I, quoth <i>Size</i>,
+for six times the sum&mdash;Well thrown, <i>Size-ace</i>, again! quoth
+I;&mdash;but I have no debt but the debt of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Nature</span>, and I want but patience of her, and I will
+pay her every farthing I owe her&mdash;&mdash;How can you be so
+hard-hearted, <span class = "smallcaps">Madam</span>, to arrest a poor
+traveller going along without molestation to any one upon his lawful
+occasions? do stop that death-looking, long-striding scoundrel of a
+scare-sinner, who is posting after me&mdash;&mdash;he never would have
+followed me but for you&mdash;&mdash;if it be but for a stage or two,
+just to give me start of him, I&nbsp;beseech you, madam&mdash;&mdash;do,
+dear <span class = "locked">lady&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Now, in troth, ’tis a great pity, quoth mine
+<i>Irish</i> host, that all this good courtship should be lost; for the
+young gentlewoman has been after going out of hearing of it all <span
+class = "locked">along.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Simpleton! quoth I.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;So you have nothing <i>else</i> in <i>Boulogne</i>
+worth seeing?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;By Jasus! there is the finest <span class =
+"smallcaps">Seminary</span> for the <span class =
+"smallcaps">Humanities</span>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;There cannot be a finer; quoth I.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page356" id = "page356">356</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapVIII" id = "bookVII_chapVIII">
+CHAPTER VIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> the precipitancy of a man’s
+wishes hurries on his ideas ninety times faster than the vehicle he
+rides in&mdash;woe be to truth! and woe be to the vehicle and its
+tackling (let ’em be made of what stuff you will) upon which he breathes
+forth the disappointment of his soul!</p>
+
+<p>As I never give general characters either of men or things in choler,
+“<i>the most haste the worst speed</i>,” was all the reflection I made
+upon the affair, the first time it happen’d;&mdash;the second, third,
+fourth, and fifth time, I&nbsp;confined it respectively to those times,
+and accordingly blamed only the second, third, fourth, and fifth
+post-boy for it, without carrying my reflections further; but the event
+continuing to befal me from the fifth, to the sixth, seventh, eighth,
+ninth, and tenth time, and without one exception, I&nbsp;then could not
+avoid making a national reflection of it, which I do in these words;</p>
+
+<p><i>That something is always wrong in a French post-chaise, upon first
+setting out.</i></p>
+
+<p>Or the proposition may stand thus:</p>
+
+<p><i>A French postilion has always to alight before he has got three
+hundred yards out of town.</i></p>
+
+<p>What’s wrong now?&mdash;&mdash;Diable!&mdash;&mdash;a rope’s
+broke!&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;knot has slipt!&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;staple’s
+drawn!&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;bolt’s to whittle!&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;tag,
+a&nbsp;rag, a&nbsp;jag, a&nbsp;strap, a&nbsp;buckle, or a buckle’s
+tongue, want altering.</p>
+
+<p>Now true as all this is, I never think myself impowered to
+excommunicate thereupon either the post-chaise, or its
+driver&mdash;&mdash;nor do I take it into my head to swear by the
+living&nbsp;G&mdash;, I&nbsp;would rather go a-foot ten thousand
+times&mdash;&mdash;or that I will be damn’d, if ever I get into
+another&mdash;&mdash;but I take the matter coolly before me, and
+consider, that some tag, or rag, or jag, or bolt, or buckle, or buckle’s
+tongue, will ever be a wanting, or want altering, travel where I
+will&mdash;so I never chaff, but take the good and the bad as they fall
+in my road, and get on:&mdash;&mdash;Do so, my lad! said I; he had lost
+five minutes already, in alighting in order to get at a luncheon of
+black bread, which he had cramm’d into the chaise-pocket, and was
+remounted, and going leisurely on, to relish it the
+better&mdash;&mdash;Get on, my lad, said I, briskly&mdash;but in the
+most persuasive tone imaginable, for I jingled a four-and-twenty sous
+piece against the glass, taking
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page357" id = "page357">357</a></span>
+care to hold the flat side towards him, as he look’d back: the dog
+grinn’d intelligence from his right ear to his left, and behind his
+sooty muzzle discovered such a pearly row of teeth, that
+<i>Sovereignty</i> would have pawn’d her jewels for <span class =
+"locked">them.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<table class = "inline" summary = "aligned text">
+<tr>
+<td class = "bracket rgt">
+Just heaven!</td>
+<td>
+What masticators!&mdash;<br />
+What bread!&mdash;
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>and so as he finished the last mouthful of it, we entered the town of
+<i>Montreuil</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapIX" id = "bookVII_chapIX">
+CHAPTER IX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">There</span> is not a town in all
+<i>France</i>, which, in my opinion, looks better in the map, than <span
+class = "smallcaps">Montreuil</span>;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;own, it does
+not look so well in the book of post-roads; but when you come to see
+it&mdash;to be sure it looks most pitifully.</p>
+
+<p>There is one thing, however, in it at present very handsome; and that
+is, the inn-keeper’s daughter: She has been eighteen months at
+<i>Amiens</i>, and six at <i>Paris</i>, in going through her classes; so
+knits, and sews, and dances, and does the little coquetries very <span
+class = "locked">well.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;A slut! in running them over within these five minutes that I
+have stood looking at her, she has let fall at least a dozen loops in a
+white thread stocking&mdash;&mdash;yes, yes&mdash;I&nbsp;see, you
+cunning gipsy!&mdash;’tis long and taper&mdash;you need not pin it to
+your knee&mdash;and that ’tis your own&mdash;and fits you <span class =
+"locked">exactly.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;That Nature should have told this creature a word about
+a <i>statue’s thumb!</i></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;But as this sample is worth all their
+thumbs&mdash;&mdash;besides, I&nbsp;have her thumbs and fingers in at
+the bargain, if they can be any guide to me,&mdash;and as
+<i>Janatone</i> withal (for that is her name) stands so well for a
+drawing&mdash;&mdash;may I never draw more, or rather may I draw like a
+draught-horse, by main strength all the days of my life,&mdash;if I do
+not draw her in all her proportions, and with as determined a pencil, as
+if I had her in the wettest <span class =
+"locked">drapery.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;But your worships chuse rather that I give you the length,
+breadth, and perpendicular height of the great parish-church, or drawing
+of the façade of the abbey of Saint <i>Austerberte</i> which has been
+transported from <i>Artois</i> hither&mdash;everything is just I suppose
+as the masons and carpenters left them,&mdash;and if the belief in
+<i>Christ</i> continues so long, will be so these fifty years to
+come&mdash;so your worships and reverences may all measure them
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page358" id = "page358">358</a></span>
+at your leisures&mdash;&mdash;but he who measures thee, <i>Janatone</i>,
+must do it now&mdash;thou carriest the principles of change within thy
+frame; and considering the chances of a transitory life, I&nbsp;would
+not answer for thee a moment; ere twice twelve months are passed and
+gone, thou mayest grow out like a pumpkin, and lose thy
+shapes&mdash;&mdash;or thou mayest go off like a flower, and lose thy
+beauty&mdash;nay, thou mayest go off like a hussy&mdash;and lose
+thyself.&mdash;I&nbsp;would not answer for my aunt <i>Dinah</i>, was she
+alive&mdash;&mdash;’faith, scarce for her picture&mdash;&mdash;were it
+but painted by <span class = "locked"><i>Reynolds</i>&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>But if I go on with my drawing, after naming that son of
+<i>Apollo</i>, I’ll be <span class =
+"locked">shot&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>So you must e’en be content with the original; which, if the evening
+is fine in passing thro’ <i>Montreuil</i>, you will see at your
+chaise-door, as you change horses: but unless you have as bad a reason
+for haste as I have&mdash;you had better stop:&mdash;&mdash;She has a
+little of the <i>devote</i>: but that, sir, is a terce to a nine in your
+<span class = "locked">favour&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;L&mdash;help me! I could not count a single point: so had been
+piqued and repiqued, and capotted to the devil.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapX" id = "bookVII_chapX">
+CHAPTER X</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">All</span> which being considered, and that
+Death moreover might be much nearer me than I
+imagined&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish I was at <i>Abbeville</i>, quoth I,
+were it only to see how they card and spin&mdash;&mdash;so off we
+set.</p>
+
+<p><a class = "tag" name = "tag_7_1" id = "tag_7_1" href =
+"#note_7_1">1</a><i>de Montreuil Ă  Nampont - poste et demi</i><br />
+<i>de Nampont</i> Ă  Bernay &nbsp; - - - poste<br />
+de Bernay Ă  Nouvion &nbsp; - - - poste<br />
+de Nouvion Ă  <span class = "smallcaps">Abbeville</span> &nbsp;- -
+poste</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;but the carders and spinners were all gone to bed.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXI" id = "bookVII_chapXI">
+CHAPTER XI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">What</span> a vast advantage is travelling!
+only it heats one; but there is a remedy for that, which you may pick
+out of the next chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page359" id = "page359">359</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXII" id = "bookVII_chapXII">
+CHAPTER XII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Was</span> I in a condition to stipulate
+with Death, as I am this moment with my apothecary, how and where I will
+take his clyster&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;should certainly declare against
+submitting to it before my friends; and therefore I never seriously
+think upon the mode and manner of this great catastrophe, which
+generally takes up and torments my thoughts as much as the catastrophe
+itself; but I constantly draw the curtain across it with this wish, that
+the Disposer of all things may so order it, that it happen not to me in
+my own house&mdash;&mdash;but rather in some decent inn&mdash;&mdash;at
+home, I&nbsp;know it,&mdash;&mdash;the concern of my friends, and the
+last services of wiping my brows, and smoothing my pillow, which the
+quivering hand of pale affection shall pay me, will so crucify my soul;
+that I shall die of a distemper which my physician is not aware of: but
+in an inn, the few cold offices I wanted, would be purchased with a few
+guineas, and paid me with an undisturbed, but punctual
+attention&mdash;&mdash;but mark. This inn should not be the inn at
+<i>Abbeville</i>&mdash;&mdash;if there was not another inn in the
+universe, I&nbsp;would strike that inn out of the
+capitulation:&nbsp;so</p>
+
+<p>Let the horses be in the chaise exactly by four in the
+morning&mdash;&mdash;Yes, by four, Sir,&mdash;&mdash;or by
+<i>Genevieve!</i> I’ll raise a clatter in the house shall wake the
+dead.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXIII" id = "bookVII_chapXIII">
+CHAPTER XIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>“<i><span class = "firstword">Make</span> them like unto a
+wheel</i>,” is a bitter sarcasm, as all the learned know, against the
+<i>grand tour</i>, and that restless spirit for making it, which
+<i>David</i> prophetically foresaw would haunt the children of men in
+the latter days; and therefore, as thinketh the great bishop
+<i>Hall</i>, ’tis one of the severest imprecations which <i>David</i>
+ever utter’d against the enemies of the Lord&mdash;and, as if he had
+said, “I&nbsp;wish them no worse luck than always to be rolling
+about”&mdash;So much motion, continues he (for he was very
+corpulent)&mdash;is so much unquietness; and so much of rest, by the
+same analogy, is so much of heaven.</p>
+
+<p>Now, I (being very thin) think differently; and that so much of
+motion, is so much of life, and so much of joy&mdash;&mdash;and that to
+stand still, or get on but slowly, is death and the <span class =
+"locked">devil&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page360" id = "page360">360</a></span>
+<p>Hollo! Ho!&mdash;&mdash;the whole world’s asleep!&mdash;&mdash;bring
+out the horses&mdash;&mdash;grease the wheels&mdash;tie on the
+mail&mdash;&mdash;and drive a nail into that moulding&mdash;&mdash;I’ll
+not lose a <span class = "locked">moment&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Now the wheel we are talking of, and <i>whereinto</i> (but not
+<i>whereunto</i>, for that would make an Ixion’s wheel of&nbsp;it) he
+curseth his enemies, according to the bishop’s habit of body, should
+certainly be a post-chaise wheel, whether they were set up in
+<i>Palestine</i> at that time or not&mdash;&mdash;and my wheel, for the
+contrary reasons, must as certainly be a cart-wheel groaning round its
+revolution once in an age; and of which sort, were I to turn
+commentator, I&nbsp;should make no scruple to affirm, they had great
+store in that hilly country.</p>
+
+<p>I love the Pythagoreans (much more than ever I dare tell my dear
+<i>Jenny</i>) for their “<span class = "greek"
+title = "chôrismon apo tou Sômatos, eis to kalôs philosophein">χωρισμὸν ἀπὸ τοῦ Σώματος, εἰς τὸ
+καλῶς φιλοσοφεῖν</span>”&mdash;&mdash;[their] “<i>getting out of the
+body, in order to think well</i>.” No man thinks right, whilst he is in
+it; blinded as he must be, with his congenial humours, and drawn
+differently aside, as the bishop and myself have been, with too lax or
+too tense a fibre&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "smallcaps">Reason</span>
+is, half of it, <span class = "smallcaps">Sense</span>; and the measure
+of heaven itself is but the measure of our present appetites and <span
+class = "locked">concoctions&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But which of the two, in the present case, do you think
+to be mostly in the wrong?</p>
+
+<p>You, certainly: quoth she, to disturb a whole family so early.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXIV" id = "bookVII_chapXIV">
+CHAPTER XIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But she did not know I was under a vow not to shave my
+beard till I got to <i>Paris</i>;&mdash;&mdash;yet I hate to make
+mysteries of nothing;&mdash;&mdash;’tis the cold cautiousness of one of
+those little souls from which <i>Lessius</i> (<i>lib.</i> 13, <i>de
+moribus divinis, cap.</i>&nbsp;24) hath made his estimate, wherein he
+setteth forth, That one <i>Dutch</i> mile, cubically multiplied, will
+allow room enough, and to spare, for eight hundred thousand millions,
+which he supposes to be as great a number of souls (counting from the
+fall of <i>Adam</i>) as can possibly be damn’d to the end of the
+world.</p>
+
+<p>From what he has made this second estimate&mdash;&mdash;unless from
+the parental goodness of God&mdash;I&nbsp;don’t know&mdash;I&nbsp;am
+much more at a loss what could be in <i>Franciscus Ribbera’s</i> head,
+who pretends that no less a space than one of two hundred <i>Italian</i>
+miles multiplied into itself, will be sufficient to hold the like
+number&mdash;&mdash;he certainly must have gone upon some of the old
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page361" id = "page361">361</a></span>
+<i>Roman</i> souls, of which he had read, without reflecting how much,
+by a gradual and most tabid decline, in the course of eighteen hundred
+years, they must unavoidably have shrunk so as to have come, when he
+wrote, almost to nothing.</p>
+
+<p>In <i>Lessius’s</i> time, who seems the cooler man, they were as
+little as can be <span class =
+"locked">imagined&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;We find them less <i>now</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>And next winter we shall find them less again; so that if we go on
+from little to less, and from less to nothing, I&nbsp;hesitate not one
+moment to affirm, that in half a century, at this rate, we shall have no
+souls at all; which being the period beyond which I doubt likewise of
+the existence of the Christian faith, ’twill be one advantage that both
+of ’em will be exactly worn out together.</p>
+
+<p>Blessed <i>Jupiter!</i> and blessed every other heathen god and
+goddess! for now ye will all come into play again, and with
+<i>Priapus</i> at your tails&mdash;&mdash;what jovial
+times!&mdash;&mdash;but where am I? and into what a delicious riot of
+things am I rushing? I&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;who must be cut short in the
+midst of my days, and taste no more of ’em than what I borrow from my
+imagination&mdash;&mdash;peace to thee, generous fool! and let me
+go&nbsp;on.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXV" id = "bookVII_chapXV">
+CHAPTER XV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;“<span class = "firstword">So</span> hating, I
+say, to make mysteries of <i>nothing</i>”&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;intrusted
+it with the post-boy, as soon as ever I got off the stones; he gave a
+crack with his whip to balance the compliment; and with the thill-horse
+trotting, and a sort of an up and a down of the other, we danced it
+along to <i>Ailly au clochers</i>, famed in days of yore for the finest
+chimes in the world; but we danced through it without music&mdash;the
+chimes being greatly out of order&mdash;(as&nbsp;in truth they were
+through all <i>France</i>).</p>
+
+<p>And so making all possible speed, from</p>
+
+<p><i>Ailly au clochers</i>, I got to <i>Hixcourt</i>,</p>
+<p>from <i>Hixcourt</i>, I got to <i>Pequignay</i>, and</p>
+<p>from <i>Pequignay</i>, I got to <span class =
+"smallcaps">Amiens</span>,</p>
+
+<p>concerning which town I have nothing to inform you, but what I have
+informed you once before&mdash;&mdash;and that was&mdash;that
+<i>Janatone</i> went there to school.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page362" id = "page362">362</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXVI" id = "bookVII_chapXVI">
+CHAPTER XVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">In</span> the whole catalogue of those
+whiffling vexations which come puffing across a man’s canvass, there is
+not one of a more teasing and tormenting nature, than this particular
+one which I am going to describe&mdash;&mdash;and for which (unless you
+travel with an avance-courier, which numbers do in order to
+prevent&nbsp;it)&mdash;&mdash;there is no help: and it is this.</p>
+
+<p>That be you in never so kindly a propensity to
+sleep&mdash;&mdash;tho’ you are passing perhaps through the finest
+country&mdash;upon the best roads, and in the easiest carriage for doing
+it in the world&mdash;&mdash;nay, was you sure you could sleep fifty
+miles straight forwards, without once opening your eyes&mdash;nay, what
+is more, was you as demonstratively satisfied as you can be of any truth
+in <i>Euclid</i>, that you should upon all accounts be full as well
+asleep as awake&mdash;&mdash;nay, perhaps better&mdash;&mdash;Yet the
+incessant returns of paying for the horses at every
+stage,&mdash;&mdash;with the necessity thereupon of putting your hand
+into your pocket, and counting out from thence three livres fifteen sous
+(sous by sous), puts an end to so much of the project, that you cannot
+execute above six miles of it (or&nbsp;supposing it is a post and a
+half, that is but nine)&mdash;&mdash;were it to save your soul from
+destruction.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;I’ll be even with ’em, quoth I, for I’ll put the precise sum
+into a piece of paper, and hold it ready in my hand all the way: “Now I
+shall have nothing to do,” said I (composing myself to rest), “but to
+drop this gently into the post-boy’s hat, and not say a
+word.”&mdash;&mdash;Then there wants two sous more to
+drink&mdash;&mdash;or there is a twelve sous piece of <i>Louis</i> XIV.
+which will not pass&mdash;or a livre and some odd liards to be brought
+over from the last stage, which Monsieur had forgot; which altercations
+(as&nbsp;a man cannot dispute very well asleep) rouse him: still is
+sweet sleep retrievable; and still might the flesh weigh down the
+spirit, and recover itself of these blows&mdash;but then, by heaven! you
+have paid but for a single post&mdash;whereas ’tis a post and a half;
+and this obliges you to pull out your book of post-roads, the print of
+which is so very small, it forces you to open your eyes, whether you
+will or no: Then Monsieur <i>le CurĂŠ</i> offers you a pinch of
+snuff&mdash;&mdash;or a poor soldier shews you his leg&mdash;&mdash;or a
+shaveling his box&mdash;&mdash;or the priestess of the cistern will
+water your wheels&mdash;&mdash;they do not want it&mdash;&mdash;but she
+swears by her <i>priesthood</i> (throwing it back) that they
+do:&mdash;&mdash;then you have all these points to argue, or consider
+over in your mind; in doing of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page363" id = "page363">363</a></span>
+which, the rational powers get so thoroughly awakened&mdash;&mdash;you
+may get ’em to sleep again as you can.</p>
+
+<p>It was entirely owing to one of these misfortunes, or I had pass’d
+clean by the stables of <span class =
+"locked"><i>Chantilly</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But the postilion first affirming, and then persisting
+in it to my face, that there was no mark upon the two sous piece,
+I&nbsp;open’d my eyes to be convinced&mdash;and seeing the mark upon it
+as plain as my nose&mdash;I&nbsp;leap’d out of the chaise in a passion,
+and so saw everything at <i>Chantilly</i> in
+spite.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;tried it but for three posts and a half, but
+believe ’tis the best principle in the world to travel speedily upon;
+for as few objects look very inviting in that mood&mdash;you have little
+or nothing to stop you; by which means it was that I passed through St.
+<i>Dennis</i>, without turning my head so much as on one side towards
+the <span class = "locked">Abby&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Richness of their treasury! stuff and
+nonsense!&mdash;&mdash;bating their jewels, which are all false,
+I&nbsp;would not give three sous for any one thing in it, but
+<i>Jaidas’s lantern</i>&mdash;&mdash;nor for that either, only as it
+grows dark, it might be of use.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXVII" id = "bookVII_chapXVII">
+CHAPTER XVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Crack</span>, crack&mdash;&mdash;crack,
+crack&mdash;&mdash;crack, crack&mdash;&mdash;so this is <i>Paris!</i>
+quoth I (continuing in the same mood)&mdash;and this is
+<i>Paris!</i>&mdash;&mdash;humph!&mdash;&mdash;<i>Paris!</i> cried I,
+repeating the name the third <span class =
+"locked">time&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The first, the finest, the most brilliant&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>The streets however are nasty.</p>
+
+<p>But it looks, I suppose, better than it smells&mdash;&mdash;crack,
+crack&mdash;&mdash;crack, crack&mdash;&mdash;what a fuss thou
+makest!&mdash;as if it concerned the good people to be informed, that a
+man with pale face and clad in black, had the honour to be driven into
+<i>Paris</i> at nine o’clock at night, by a postilion in a tawny yellow
+jerkin, turned up with red calamanco&mdash;crack,
+crack&mdash;&mdash;crack, crack&mdash;&mdash;crack,
+crack,&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish thy <span class =
+"locked">whip&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But ’tis the spirit of thy nation; so crack&mdash;crack
+on.</p>
+
+<p>Ha!&mdash;&mdash;and no one gives the wall!&mdash;&mdash;but in the
+<span class = "smallcaps">School</span> of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Urbanity</span> herself, if the walls are besh-t&mdash;how
+can you do otherwise?</p>
+
+<p>And prithee when do they light the lamps? What?&mdash;never in the
+summer months!&mdash;&mdash;Ho! ’tis the time of sallads.&mdash;&mdash;O
+rare! sallad and soup&mdash;soup and sallad&mdash;sallad and soup, <span
+class = "locked"><i>encore</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis <i>too much</i> for sinners.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page364" id = "page364">364</a></span>
+<p>Now I cannot bear the barbarity of it; how can that unconscionable
+coachman talk so much bawdy to that lean horse? don’t you see, friend,
+the streets are so villainously narrow, that there is not room in all
+<i>Paris</i> to turn a wheelbarrow? In the grandest city of the whole
+world, it would not have been amiss, if they had been left a thought
+wider; nay, were it only so much in every single street, as that a man
+might know (was it only for satisfaction) on which side of it he was
+walking.</p>
+
+<p>One&mdash;two&mdash;three&mdash;four&mdash;five&mdash;six&mdash;seven&mdash;eight&mdash;nine&mdash;ten.&mdash;Ten
+cook’s shops! and twice the number of barbers! and all within three
+minutes driving! one would think that all the cooks in the world, on
+some great merry-meeting with the barbers, by joint consent had
+said&mdash;Come, let us all go live at <i>Paris</i>: the <i>French</i>
+love good eating&mdash;&mdash;they are all
+<i>gourmands</i>&mdash;&mdash;we shall rank high; if their god is their
+belly&mdash;&mdash;their cooks must be gentlemen: and forasmuch as
+<i>the periwig maketh the man</i>, and the periwig-maker maketh the
+periwig&mdash;<i>ergo</i>, would the barbers say, we shall rank higher
+still&mdash;we shall be above you all&mdash;we shall be
+<i>Capitouls</i><a class = "tag" name = "tag_7_2" id = "tag_7_2" href =
+"#note_7_2">2</a> at least&mdash;<i>pardi!</i> we shall all wear <span
+class = "locked">swords&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;And so, one would swear (that is, by candle light,&mdash;but
+there is no depending upon&nbsp;it) they continue to do, to this
+day.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXVIII" id = "bookVII_chapXVIII">
+CHAPTER XVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> <i>French</i> are certainly
+misunderstood:&mdash;&mdash;but whether the fault is theirs, in not
+sufficiently explaining themselves; or speaking with that exact
+limitation and precision which one would expect on a point of such
+importance, and which, moreover, is so likely to be contested by
+us&mdash;&mdash;or whether the fault may not be altogether on our side,
+in not understanding their language always so critically as to know
+“what they would be at”&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;shall not decide; but ’tis
+evident to me, when they affirm, “<i>That they who have seen
+<em>Paris</em>, have seen everything</i>,” they must mean to speak of
+those who have seen it by day-light.</p>
+
+<p>As for candle-light&mdash;I give it up&mdash;&mdash;I have said
+before, there was no depending upon it&mdash;and I repeat it again; but
+not because the lights and shades are too sharp&mdash;or the tints
+confounded&mdash;or that there is neither beauty or keeping, &amp;c.
+.&nbsp;.&nbsp;. for that’s not truth&mdash;but it is an uncertain light
+in this respect, That in all the five hundred grand HĂ´tels, which they
+number up
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page365" id = "page365">365</a></span>
+to you in <i>Paris</i>&mdash;and the five hundred good things, at a
+modest computation (for ’tis only allowing one good thing to a Hôtel),
+which by candle-light are best to be <i>seen</i>, <i>felt</i>,
+<i>heard</i>, and <i>understood</i> (which, by the bye, is a quotation
+from <i>Lilly</i>)&mdash;&mdash;the devil a one of us out of fifty, can
+get our heads fairly thrust in amongst them.</p>
+
+<p>This is no part of the <i>French</i> computation: ’tis simply
+this,</p>
+
+<p>That by the last survey taken in the year one thousand seven hundred
+and sixteen, since which time there have been considerable
+argumentations, <i>Paris</i> doth contain nine hundred streets;
+(viz.)</p>
+
+<p>In the quarter called the <i>City</i>&mdash;there are fifty-three
+streets.</p>
+
+<p>In St. <i>James</i> of the Shambles, fifty-five streets.</p>
+
+<p>In St. <i>Oportune</i>, thirty-four streets.</p>
+
+<p>In the quarter of the <i>Louvre</i>, twenty-five streets.</p>
+
+<p>In the <i>Palace Royal</i>, or St. <i>Honorius</i>, forty-nine
+streets.</p>
+
+<p>In <i>Mont. Martyr</i>, forty-one streets.</p>
+
+<p>In St. <i>Eustace</i>, twenty-nine streets.</p>
+
+<p>In the <i>Halles</i>, twenty-seven streets.</p>
+
+<p>In St. <i>Dennis</i>, fifty-five streets.</p>
+
+<p>In St. <i>Martin</i>, fifty-four streets.</p>
+
+<p>In St. <i>Paul</i>, or the <i>Mortellerie</i>, twenty-seven
+streets.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Greve</i>, thirty-eight streets.</p>
+
+<p>In St. <i>Avoy</i>, or the <i>Verrerie</i>, nineteen streets.</p>
+
+<p>In the <i>Marais</i>, or the <i>Temple</i>, fifty-two streets.</p>
+
+<p>In St. <i>Antony’s</i>, sixty-eight streets.</p>
+
+<p>In the <i>Place Maubert</i>, eighty-one streets.</p>
+
+<p>In St. <i>Bennet</i>, sixty streets.</p>
+
+<p>In St. <i>Andrews de Arcs</i>, fifty-one streets.</p>
+
+<p>In the quarter of the <i>Luxembourg</i>, sixty-two streets.</p>
+
+<p>And in that of St. Germain, fifty-five streets, into any of which you
+may walk; and that when you have seen them with all that belongs to
+them, fairly by day-light&mdash;their gates, their bridges, their
+squares, their statues - - - and have crusaded it moreover, through all
+their parish-churches, by no means omitting St. <i>Roche</i> and
+<i>Sulpice</i> - - - and to crown all, have taken a walk to the four
+palaces, which you may see, either with or without the statues and
+pictures, just as you <span class = "locked">chuse&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Then you will have seen&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;but, ’tis what no one needeth to tell you, for you will
+read of it yourself upon the portico of the <i>Louvre</i>, in these
+words,</p>
+
+<div class = "verse smallroman">
+<p><a class = "tag" name = "tag_7_3" id = "tag_7_3" href =
+"#note_7_3">3</a>EARTH <ins class = "correction"
+title = "text reads ‘N O’">NO</ins> SUCH FOLKS!&mdash;NO FOLKS E’ER SUCH A TOWN</p>
+<p>AS PARIS IS!&mdash;SING, DERRY, DERRY, DOWN.</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page366" id = "page366">366</a></span>
+<p>The <i>French</i> have a <i>gay</i> way of treating everything that
+is Great; and that is all can be said upon&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXIX" id = "bookVII_chapXIX">
+CHAPTER XIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">In</span> mentioning the word <i>gay</i>
+(as in the close of the last chapter) it puts one (<i>i.e.</i> an
+author) in mind of the word <i>spleen</i>&mdash;&mdash;especially if he
+has anything to say upon it: not that by any analysis&mdash;or that from
+any table of interest or genealogy, there appears much more ground of
+alliance betwixt them, than betwixt light and darkness, or any two of
+the most unfriendly opposites in nature&mdash;&mdash;only ’tis an
+undercraft of authors to keep up a good understanding amongst words, as
+politicians do amongst men&mdash;not knowing how near they may be under
+a necessity of placing them to each other&mdash;&mdash;which point being
+now gain’d, and that I may place mine exactly to my mind, I&nbsp;write
+it down <span class = "locked">here&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<h5>SPLEEN</h5>
+
+<p>This, upon leaving <i>Chantilly</i>, I declared to be the best
+principle in the world to travel speedily upon; but I gave it only as
+matter of opinion. I&nbsp;still continue in the same
+sentiments&mdash;only I had not then experience enough of its working to
+add this, that though you do get on at a tearing rate, yet you get on
+but uneasily to yourself at the same time; for which reason I here quit
+it entirely, and for ever, and ’tis heartily at any one’s
+service&mdash;it has spoiled me the digestion of a good supper, and
+brought on a bilious diarrhœa, which has brought me back again to my
+first principle on which I set out&mdash;&mdash;and with which I shall
+now scamper it away to the banks of the <span class =
+"locked"><i>Garonne</i>&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;No;&mdash;&mdash;I cannot stop a moment to give you the
+character of the people&mdash;their genius&mdash;&mdash;their
+manners&mdash;their customs&mdash;their laws&mdash;&mdash;their
+religion&mdash;their government&mdash;their manufactures&mdash;their
+commerce&mdash;their finances, with all the resources and hidden springs
+which sustain them: qualified as I may be, by spending three days and
+two nights amongst them, and during all that time making these things
+the entire subject of my enquiries and <span class =
+"locked">reflections&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Still&mdash;still I must away&mdash;&mdash;the roads are
+paved&mdash;the posts are short&mdash;the days are long&mdash;’tis no
+more than noon&mdash;I&nbsp;shall be at <i>Fontainbleau</i> before the
+<span class = "locked">king&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Was he going there? not that I know&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page367" id = "page367">367</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXX" id = "bookVII_chapXX">
+CHAPTER XX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Now</span> I hate to hear a person,
+especially if he be a traveller, complain that we do not get on so fast
+in <i>France</i> as we do in <i>England</i>; whereas we get on much
+faster, <i>consideratis considerandis</i>; thereby always meaning, that
+if you weigh their vehicles with the mountains of baggage which you lay
+both before and behind upon them&mdash;and then consider their puny
+horses, with the very little they give them&mdash;’tis a wonder they get
+on at all: their suffering is most unchristian, and ’tis evident
+thereupon to me, that a <i>French</i> post-horse would not know what in
+the world to do, was it not for the two words ******
+and ****** in which there is as much sustenance, as if you gave him a
+peck of corn: now as these words cost nothing, I&nbsp;long from my soul
+to tell the reader what they are; but here is the question&mdash;they
+must be told him plainly, and with the most distinct articulation, or it
+will answer no end&mdash;and yet to do it in that plain way&mdash;though
+their reverences may laugh at it in the bed-chamber&mdash;fell well I
+wot, they will abuse it in the parlour: for which cause, I&nbsp;have
+been volving and revolving in my fancy some time, but to no purpose, by
+what clean device or facette contrivance I might so modulate them, that
+whilst I satisfy <i>that ear</i> which the reader chuses to <i>lend</i>
+me&mdash;I&nbsp;might not dissatisfy the other which he keeps to
+himself.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;My ink burns my finger to try&mdash;&mdash;and when I
+have&mdash;&mdash;’twill have a worse consequence&mdash;&mdash;it will
+burn (I&nbsp;fear) my paper.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;No;&mdash;&mdash;I dare not&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>But if you wish to know how the <i>abbess</i> of <i>AndoĂźillets</i>
+and a novice of her convent got over the difficulty (only first wishing
+myself all imaginable success)&mdash;I’ll tell you without the least
+scruple. <!-- no scruples maybe, but at least 1,000 emdashes --></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXI" id = "bookVII_chapXXI">
+CHAPTER XXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> abbess of <i>AndoĂźillets</i>,
+which, if you look into the large set of provincial maps now publishing
+at <i>Paris</i>, you will find situated amongst the hills which divide
+<i>Burgundy</i> from <i>Savoy</i>, being in danger of an
+<i>Anchylosis</i> or stiff joint (the <i>sinovia</i> of her knee
+becoming hard by long matins), and having tried every
+remedy&mdash;&mdash;first, prayers and thanksgiving; then invocations
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page368" id = "page368">368</a></span>
+to all the saints in heaven promiscuously&mdash;&mdash;then particularly
+to every saint who had ever had a stiff leg, before
+her&mdash;&mdash;then touching it with all the reliques of the convent,
+principally with the thigh-bone of the man of <i>Lystra</i>, who had
+been impotent from his youth&mdash;&mdash;then wrapping it up in her
+veil when she went to bed&mdash;then cross-wise her rosary&mdash;then
+bringing in to her aid the secular arm, and anointing it with oils and
+hot fat of animals&mdash;&mdash;then treating it with emollient and
+resolving fomentations&mdash;&mdash;then with poultices of
+marsh-mallows, mallows, bonus Henricus, white lillies and
+fenugreek&mdash;then taking the woods, I&nbsp;mean the smoak of ’em,
+holding her scapulary across her lap&mdash;&mdash;then decoctions of
+wild chicory, water-cresses, chervil, sweet cecily and
+cochlearia&mdash;&mdash;and nothing all this while answering, was
+prevailed on at last to try the hot baths of
+<i>Bourbon</i>&mdash;&mdash;so having first obtain’d leave of the
+visitor-general to take care of her existence&mdash;she ordered all to
+be got ready for her journey: a&nbsp;novice of the convent of about
+seventeen, who had been troubled with a whitloe in her middle finger, by
+sticking it constantly into the abbess’s cast poultices,
+&amp;c.&mdash;had gained such an interest, that overlooking a sciatical
+old nun, who might have been set up for ever by the hot-baths of
+<i>Bourbon</i>, <i>Margarita</i>, the little novice, was elected as the
+companion of the journey.</p>
+
+<p>An old calesh, belonging to the abbesse, lined with green frize, was
+ordered to be drawn out into the sun&mdash;the gardener of the convent
+being chosen muleteer&mdash;led out the two old mules, to clip the hair
+from the rump-ends of their tails, whilst a couple of lay-sisters were
+busied, the one in darning the lining, and the other in sewing on the
+shreads of yellow binding, which the teeth of time had
+unravelled&mdash;&mdash;the under-gardener dress’d the muleteer’s hat in
+hot wine-lees&mdash;&mdash;and a taylor sat musically at it, in a shed
+over-against the convent, in assorting four dozen of bells for the
+harness, whistling to each bell, as he tied it on with a <span class =
+"locked">thong.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The carpenter and the smith of <i>AndoĂźillets</i> held
+a council of wheels; and by seven, the morning after, all look’d spruce,
+and was ready at the gate of the convent for the hot-baths of
+<i>Bourbon</i>&mdash;two rows of the unfortunate stood ready there an
+hour before.</p>
+
+<p>The abbess of <i>AndoĂźillets</i>, supported by <i>Margarita</i> the
+novice, advanced slowly to the calesh, both clad in white, with their
+black rosaries hanging at their <span class =
+"locked">breasts&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;There was a simple solemnity in the contrast: they
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page369" id = "page369">369</a></span>
+entered the calesh; and nuns in the same uniform, sweet emblem of
+innocence, each occupied a window, and as the abbess and
+<i>Margarita</i> look’d up&mdash;each (the sciatical poor nun
+excepted)&mdash;each stream’d out the end of her veil in the
+air&mdash;then kiss’d the lilly hand which let it go: the good abbess
+and <i>Margarita</i> laid their hands saint-wise upon their
+breasts&mdash;look’d up to heaven&mdash;then to them&mdash;and look’d
+“God bless you, dear sisters.”</p>
+
+<p>I declare I am interested in this story, and wish I had been
+there.</p>
+
+<p>The gardener, whom I shall now call the muleteer, was a little,
+hearty, broad-set, good-natured, chattering, toping kind of a fellow,
+who troubled his head very little with the <i>hows</i> and <i>whens</i>
+of life; so had mortgaged a month of his conventical wages in a
+borrachio, or leathern cask of wine, which he had disposed behind the
+calesh, with a large russet-coloured riding-coat over it, to guard it
+from the sun; and as the weather was hot, and he not a niggard of his
+labours, walking ten times more than he rode&mdash;he found more
+occasions than those of nature, to fall back to the rear of his
+carriage; till by frequent coming and going, it had so happen’d, that
+all his wine had leak’d out at the <i>legal</i> vent of the borrachio,
+before one half of the journey was finish’d.</p>
+
+<p>Man is a creature born to habitudes. The day had been
+sultry&mdash;the evening was delicious&mdash;the wine was
+generous&mdash;the <i>Burgundian</i> hill on which it grew was
+steep&mdash;a&nbsp;little tempting bush over the door of a cool cottage
+at the foot of it, hung vibrating in full harmony with the
+passions&mdash;a&nbsp;gentle air rustled distinctly through the
+leaves&mdash;“Come&mdash;come, thirsty muleteer&mdash;come&nbsp;in.”</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;The muleteer was a son of <i>Adam</i>; I need not say a word
+more. He gave the mules, each of ’em, a&nbsp;sound lash, and looking in
+the abbess’s and <i>Margarita’s</i> faces (as&nbsp;he
+did&nbsp;it)&mdash;as much as to say “here I am”&mdash;he gave a second
+good crack&mdash;as much as to say to his mules, “get
+on”&mdash;&mdash;so slinking behind, he enter’d the little inn at the
+foot of the hill.</p>
+
+<p>The muleteer, as I told you, was a little, joyous, chirping fellow,
+who thought not of to-morrow, nor of what had gone before, or what was
+to follow it, provided he got but his scantling of Burgundy, and a
+little chit-chat along with it; so entering into a long conversation, as
+how he was chief gardener to the convent of <i>AndoĂźillets</i>, &amp;c.
+&amp;c., and out of friendship for the abbess and Mademoiselle
+<i>Margarita</i>, who was only in her
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page370" id = "page370">370</a></span>
+noviciate, he had come along with them from the confines of
+<i>Savoy</i>, &amp;c. &amp;c.&mdash;and as how she had got a white
+swelling by her devotions&mdash;and what a nation of herbs he had
+procured to mollify her humours, &amp;c. &amp;c., and that if the waters
+of <i>Bourbon</i> did not mend that leg&mdash;she might as well be lame
+of both&mdash;&amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.&mdash;He so contrived his story,
+as absolutely to forget the heroine of it&mdash;and with her the little
+novice, and what was a more ticklish point to be forgot than
+both&mdash;the two mules; who being creatures that take advantage of the
+world, inasmuch as their parents took it of them&mdash;and they not
+being in a condition to return the obligation <i>downwards</i>
+(as&nbsp;men and women and beasts are)&mdash;they do it side-ways, and
+long-ways, and back-ways&mdash;and up hill, and down hill, and which way
+they can.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Philosophers, with all their ethicks, have
+never considered this rightly&mdash;how should the poor muleteer, then
+in his cups, consider it at all? he did not in the least&mdash;’tis time
+we do; let us leave him then in the vortex of his element, the happiest
+and most thoughtless of mortal men&mdash;&mdash;and for a moment let us
+look after the mules, the abbess, and <i>Margarita</i>.</p>
+
+<p>By virtue of the muleteer’s two last strokes the mules had gone
+quietly on, following their own consciences up the hill, till they had
+conquer’d about one half of it; when the elder of them, a&nbsp;shrewd
+crafty old devil, at the turn of an angle, giving a side glance, and no
+muleteer behind <span class = "locked">them&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>By my fig! said she, swearing, I’ll go no further&mdash;&mdash;And if
+I do, replied the other, they shall make a drum of my <span class =
+"locked">hide.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>And so with one consent they stopp’d thus&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXII" id = "bookVII_chapXXII">
+CHAPTER XXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Get on with you, said the abbess.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Wh - - - - ysh&mdash;&mdash;ysh&mdash;&mdash;cried
+<i>Margarita</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Sh - - - a&mdash;&mdash;suh - u&mdash;&mdash;shu - - u&mdash;sh - -
+aw&mdash;&mdash;shaw’d the abbess.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Whu&mdash;v&mdash;w&mdash;&mdash;whew&mdash;w&mdash;w&mdash;whuv’d
+<i>Margarita</i> pursing up her sweet lips betwixt a hoot and a
+whistle.</p>
+
+<p>Thump&mdash;thump&mdash;thump&mdash;obstreperated the abbess of
+<i>AndoĂźillets</i> with the end of her gold-headed cane against the
+bottom of the <span class = "locked">calesh&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The old mule let a f&mdash;</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page371" id = "page371">371</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXIII" id = "bookVII_chapXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">We</span> are ruin’d and undone, my child,
+said the abbess to <i>Margarita</i>,&mdash;&mdash;we shall be here all
+night&mdash;&mdash;we shall be plunder’d&mdash;&mdash;we shall be <span
+class = "locked">ravish’d&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;We shall be ravish’d, said <i>Margarita</i>, as sure as
+a gun.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sancta Maria!</i> cried the abbess (forgetting the
+<i>O!</i>)&mdash;why was I govern’d by this wicked stiff joint? why did
+I leave the convent of <i>AndoĂźillets?</i> and why didst thou not suffer
+thy servant to go unpolluted to her tomb?</p>
+
+<p>O my finger! my finger! cried the novice, catching fire at the word
+<i>servant</i>&mdash;why was I not content to put it here, or there, any
+where rather than be in this strait?</p>
+
+<p>Strait! said the abbess.</p>
+
+<p>Strait&mdash;&mdash;said the novice; for terror had struck their
+understandings&mdash;&mdash;the one knew not what she
+said&mdash;&mdash;the other what she answer’d.</p>
+
+<p>O my virginity! virginity! cried the abbess.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;inity!&mdash;&mdash;inity! said the novice,
+sobbing.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXIV" id = "bookVII_chapXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> dear mother, quoth the novice,
+coming a little to herself,&mdash;&mdash;there are two certain words,
+which I have been told will force any horse, or ass, or mule, to go up a
+hill whether he will or no; be he never so obstinate or ill-will’d, the
+moment he hears them utter’d, he obeys. They are words magic! cried the
+abbess in the utmost horror&mdash;No; replied <i>Margarita</i>
+calmly&mdash;but they are words sinful&mdash;What are they? quoth the
+abbess, interrupting her: They are sinful in the first degree, answered
+<i>Margarita</i>,&mdash;they are mortal&mdash;and if we are ravish’d and
+die unabsolved of them, we shall both&mdash;&mdash;but you may pronounce
+them to me, quoth the abbess of <i>AndoĂźillets</i>&mdash;&mdash;They
+cannot, my dear mother, said the novice, be pronounced at all; they will
+make all the blood in one’s body fly up into one’s face&mdash;But you
+may whisper them in my ear, quoth the abbess.</p>
+
+<p>Heaven! hadst thou no guardian angel to delegate to the inn at the
+bottom of the hill? was there no generous and friendly spirit
+unemployed&mdash;&mdash;no agent in nature, by some monitory shivering,
+creeping along the artery which led to his heart, to
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page372" id = "page372">372</a></span>
+rouse the muleteer from his banquet?&mdash;&mdash;no sweet minstrelsy to
+bring back the fair idea of the abbess and <i>Margarita</i>, with their
+black rosaries!</p>
+
+<p>Rouse! rouse!&mdash;&mdash;but ’tis too late&mdash;the horrid words
+are pronounced this <span class =
+"locked">moment&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;and how to tell them&mdash;Ye, who can speak of
+everything existing, with unpolluted lips, instruct
+me&mdash;&mdash;guide <span class = "locked">me&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXV" id = "bookVII_chapXXV">
+CHAPTER XXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">All</span> sins whatever, quoth the abbess,
+turning casuist in the distress they were under, are held by the
+confessor of our convent to be either mortal or venial: there is no
+further division. Now a venial sin being the slightest and least of all
+sins&mdash;being halved&mdash;by taking either only the half of it, and
+leaving the rest&mdash;or, by taking it all, and amicably halving it
+betwixt yourself and another person&mdash;in course becomes diluted into
+no sin at all.</p>
+
+<p>Now I see no sin in saying, <i>bou</i>, <i>bou</i>, <i>bou</i>,
+<i>bou</i>, <i>bou</i>, a&nbsp;hundred times together; nor is there any
+turpitude in pronouncing the syllable <i>ger</i>, <i>ger</i>,
+<i>ger</i>, <i>ger</i>, <i>ger</i>, were it from our matins to our
+vespers: Therefore, my dear daughter, continued the abbess of
+<i>AndoĂźillets</i>&mdash;I&nbsp;will say <i>bou</i>, and thou shalt say
+<i>ger</i>; and then alternately, as there is no more sin in <i>fou</i>
+than in <i>bou</i>&mdash;Thou shalt say <i>fou</i>&mdash;and I will come
+in (like fa, sol, la, re, mi, ut, at our complines) with <i>ter</i>. And
+accordingly the abbess, giving the pitch note, set off thus:</p>
+
+<table class = "inline" summary = "aligned text">
+<tr>
+<td>
+Abbess,<br />
+<i>Margarita</i>,</td>
+<td class = "bracket">
+Bou - - bou - - bou - -<br />
+&mdash;&mdash;ger, - - ger, - - ger.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<i>Margarita</i>,<br />
+Abbess,</td>
+<td class = "bracket">
+Fou - - fou - - fou - -<br />
+&mdash;&mdash;ter, - - ter, - - ter.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>The two mules acknowledged the notes by a mutual lash of their tails;
+but it went no further&mdash;&mdash;’Twill answer by an’ by, said the
+novice.</p>
+
+<table class = "inline" summary = "aligned text">
+<tr>
+<td>
+Abbess,<br />
+<i>Margarita</i>,</td>
+<td class = "bracket">
+Bou- bou- bou- bou- bou- bou-<br />
+&mdash;ger, &nbsp;ger, &nbsp;ger, &nbsp;ger, &nbsp;ger, &nbsp;ger.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>Quicker still, cried <i>Margarita</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou.</p>
+
+<p>Quicker still, cried <i>Margarita</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou,</p>
+
+<p>Quicker still&mdash;God preserve me; said the abbess&mdash;They do
+not understand us, cried <i>Margarita</i>&mdash;But the Devil does, said
+the abbess of <i>AndoĂźillets</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page373" id = "page373">373</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXVI" id = "bookVII_chapXXVI">
+CHAPTER XXVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">What</span> a tract of country have I
+run!&mdash;how many degrees nearer to the warm sun am I advanced, and
+how many fair and goodly cities have I seen, during the time you have
+been reading, and reflecting, Madam, upon this story! There’s <span
+class = "smallcaps">Fontainbleau</span>, and <span class =
+"smallcaps">Sens</span>, and <span class = "smallcaps">Joigny</span>,
+and <span class = "smallcaps">Auxerre</span>, and <span class =
+"smallcaps">Dijon</span> the capital of <i>Burgundy</i>, and <span class
+= "smallcaps">Challon</span>, and <i>Mâcon</i> the capital of the
+<i>Mâconese</i>, and a score more upon the road to <span class =
+"smallcaps">Lyons</span>&mdash;&mdash;and now I have run them
+over&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;might as well talk to you of so many market
+towns in the moon, as tell you one word about them: it will be this
+chapter at the least, if not both this and the next entirely lost, do
+what I <span class = "locked">will&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Why, ’tis a strange story! <i>Tristram.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class = "invisible">&mdash;&mdash;Why, ’tis a strange
+story!</span> &mdash;&mdash;Alas! Madam, had it been upon some
+melancholy lecture of the cross&mdash;the peace of meekness, or the
+contentment of resignation&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;had not been incommoded:
+or had I thought of writing it upon the purer abstractions of the soul,
+and that food of wisdom and holiness and contemplation, upon which the
+spirit of man (when separated from the body) is to subsist for
+ever&mdash;&mdash;You would have come with a better appetite from <span
+class = "locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I wish I never had wrote it: but as I never blot
+anything out&mdash;&mdash;let us use some honest means to get it out of
+our heads directly.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Pray reach me my fool’s cap&mdash;&mdash;I fear you sit
+upon it, Madam&mdash;&mdash;’tis under the cushion&mdash;&mdash;I’ll put
+it <span class = "locked">on&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Bless me! you have had it upon your head this half
+hour.&mdash;&mdash;There then let it stay, with&nbsp;a</p>
+
+<p>Fa-ra diddle di</p>
+<p>and a fa-ri diddle d</p>
+<p>and a high-dum&mdash;dye-dum</p>
+<p class = "indent">
+fiddle - - - dumb - c.</p>
+
+<p>And now, Madam, we may venture, I hope, a little to go on.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXVII" id = "bookVII_chapXXVII">
+CHAPTER XXVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;All you need say of <i>Fontainbleau</i> (in case you
+are ask’d) is, that it stands about forty miles (south <i>something</i>)
+from <i>Paris</i>, in the middle of a large forest&mdash;&mdash;That
+there is something great in it&mdash;&mdash;That the king goes there
+once every two or three years,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page374" id = "page374">374</a></span>
+with his whole court, for the pleasure of the chase&mdash;and that,
+during that carnival of sporting, any <i>English</i> gentleman of
+fashion (you need not forget yourself) may be accommodated with a nag or
+two, to partake of the sport, taking care only not to out-gallop the
+<span class = "locked">king&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Though there are two reasons why you need not talk loud of this to
+every one.</p>
+
+<p>First, Because ’twill make the said nags the harder to be got;
+and</p>
+
+<p>Secondly, ’Tis not a word of it true.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Allons!</i></p>
+
+<p>As for <span class = "smallcaps">Sens</span>&mdash;&mdash;you may
+dispatch&mdash;in a word&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;“<i>’Tis an archiepiscopal
+see</i>.”</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;For <span class = "smallcaps">Joigny</span>&mdash;the
+less, I&nbsp;think, one says of it the better.</p>
+
+<p>But for <span class = "smallcaps">Auxerre</span>&mdash;I could go on
+for ever: for in my <i>grand tour</i> through <i>Europe</i>, in which,
+after all, my father (not caring to trust me with any one) attended me
+himself, with my uncle <i>Toby</i>, and <i>Trim</i>, and <i>Obadiah</i>,
+and indeed most of the family, except my mother, who being taken up with
+a project of knitting my father a pair of large worsted
+breeches&mdash;(the thing is common sense)&mdash;and she not caring to
+be put out of her way, she staid at home, at <span class =
+"smallcaps">Shandy Hall</span>, to keep things right during the
+expedition; in which, I&nbsp;say, my father stopping us two days at
+<i>Auxerre</i>, and his researches being ever of such a nature, that
+they would have found fruit even in a desert&mdash;&mdash;he has left me
+enough to say upon <span class = "smallcaps">Auxerre</span>: in short,
+wherever my father went&mdash;&mdash;but ’twas more remarkably so, in
+this journey through <i>France</i> and <i>Italy</i>, than in any other
+stages of his life&mdash;&mdash;his road seemed to lie so much on one
+side of that, wherein all other travellers have gone before him&mdash;he
+saw kings and courts and silks of all colours, in such strange
+lights&mdash;&mdash;and his remarks and reasonings upon the characters,
+the manners, and customs, of the countries we pass’d over, were so
+opposite to those of all other mortal men, particularly those of my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> and <i>Trim</i>&mdash;(to&nbsp;say nothing of
+myself)&mdash;and to crown all&mdash;the occurrences and scrapes which
+we were perpetually meeting and getting into, in consequence of his
+systems and opiniatry&mdash;they were of so odd, so mix’d and
+tragi-comical a contexture&mdash;That the whole put together, it appears
+of so different a shade and tint from any tour of <i>Europe</i>, which
+was ever executed&mdash;that I will venture to pronounce&mdash;the fault
+must be mine and mine only&mdash;if it be not read by all travellers and
+travel-readers, till travelling is no more,&mdash;or which comes to the
+same point&mdash;till the world, finally, takes it into its head to
+stand <span class = "locked">still.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page375" id = "page375">375</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But this rich bale is not to be open’d now; except a
+small thread or two of it, merely to unravel the mystery of my father’s
+stay at <span class = "smallcaps">Auxerre</span>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;As I have mentioned it&mdash;’tis too slight to be kept
+suspended; and when ’tis wove in, there is an end of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>We’ll go, brother <i>Toby</i>, said my father, whilst dinner is
+coddling&mdash;to the abby of Saint <i>Germain</i>, if it be only to see
+these bodies, of which Monsieur <i>Sequier</i> has given such a
+recommendation.&mdash;&mdash;I’ll go see any body, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>; for he was all compliance through every step of the
+journey&mdash;&mdash;Defend me! said my father&mdash;they are all
+mummies&mdash;&mdash;Then one need not shave; quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;Shave! no&mdash;cried my father&mdash;’twill be
+more like relations to go with our beards on&mdash;So out we sallied,
+the corporal lending his master his arm, and bringing up the rear, to
+the abby of Saint <i>Germain</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Everything is very fine, and very rich, and very superb, and very
+magnificent, said my father, addressing himself to the sacristan, who
+was a younger brother of the order of <i>Benedictines</i>&mdash;but our
+curiosity has led us to see the bodies, of which Monsieur <i>Sequier</i>
+has given the world so exact a description.&mdash;The sacristan made a
+bow, and lighting a torch first, which he had always in the vestry ready
+for the purpose; he led us into the tomb of St.
+<i>Heribald</i>&mdash;&mdash;This, said the sacristan, laying his hand
+upon the tomb, was a renowned prince of the house of <i>Bavaria</i>, who
+under the successive reigns of <i>Charlemagne</i>, <i>Louis le
+Debonnair</i>, and <i>Charles the Bald</i>, bore a great sway in the
+government, and had a principal hand in bringing everything into order
+and <span class = "locked">discipline&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Then he has been as great, said my uncle, in the field, as in the
+cabinet&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;dare say he has been a gallant
+soldier&mdash;&mdash;He was a monk&mdash;said the sacristan.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> and <i>Trim</i> sought comfort in each other’s
+faces&mdash;but found it not: my father clapped both his hands upon his
+cod-piece, which was a way he had when anything hugely tickled him: for
+though he hated a monk and the very smell of a monk worse than all the
+devils in hell&mdash;&mdash;yet the shot hitting my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+and <i>Trim</i> so much harder than him, ’twas a relative triumph; and
+put him into the gayest humour in the world.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And pray what do you call this gentleman? quoth my
+father, rather sportingly: This tomb, said the young <i>Benedictine</i>,
+looking downwards, contains the bones of Saint <span class =
+"smallcaps">Maxima</span>, who came from <i>Ravenna</i> on purpose to
+touch the <span class = "locked">body&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page376" id = "page376">376</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Of Saint <span class = "smallcaps">Maximus</span>, said
+my father, popping in with his saint before him,&mdash;they were two of
+the greatest saints in the whole martyrology, added my
+father&mdash;&mdash;Excuse me, said the
+sacristan&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’twas to touch the bones of Saint
+<i>Germain</i>, the builder of the abby&mdash;&mdash;And what did she
+get by it? said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;What does any woman
+get by it? said my father&mdash;&mdash;<span class =
+"smallcaps">Martyrdome</span>; replied the young <i>Benedictine</i>,
+making a bow down to the ground, and uttering the word with so humble
+but decisive a cadence, it disarmed my father for a moment. ’Tis
+supposed, continued the <i>Benedictine</i>, that St. <i>Maxima</i> has
+lain in this tomb four hundred years, and two hundred before her
+canonization&mdash;&mdash;’Tis but a slow rise, brother <i>Toby</i>,
+quoth my father, in this self-same army of
+martyrs.&mdash;&mdash;A&nbsp;desperate slow one, an’ please your honour,
+said <i>Trim</i>, unless one could purchase&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;should
+rather sell out entirely, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am pretty much of your opinion, brother
+<i>Toby</i>, said my father.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Poor St. <i>Maxima!</i> said my uncle <i>Toby</i> low
+to himself, as we turn’d from her tomb: She was one of the fairest and
+most beautiful ladies either of <i>Italy</i> or <i>France</i>, continued
+the sacristan&mdash;&mdash;But who the duce has got lain down here,
+besides her? quoth my father, pointing with his cane to a large tomb as
+we walked on&mdash;&mdash;It is Saint <i>Optat</i>, Sir, answered the
+sacristan&mdash;&mdash;And properly is Saint <i>Optat</i> plac’d! said
+my father: And what is Saint <i>Optat’s</i> story? continued he. Saint
+<i>Optat</i>, replied the sacristan, was a <span class =
+"locked">bishop&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I thought so, by heaven! cried my father, interrupting
+him&mdash;&mdash;Saint <i>Optat!</i>&mdash;&mdash;how should Saint
+<i>Optat</i> fail? so snatching out his pocket-book, and the young
+<i>Benedictine</i> holding him the torch as he wrote, he set it down as
+a new prop to his system of Christian names, and I will be bold to say,
+so disinterested was he in the search of truth, that had he found a
+treasure in Saint <i>Optat’s</i> tomb, it would not have made him half
+so rich: ’Twas as successful a short visit as ever was paid to the dead;
+and so highly was his fancy pleas’d with all that had passed in
+it,&mdash;that he determined at once to stay another day in
+<i>Auxerre</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;I’ll see the rest of these good gentry <ins class =
+"correction" title = ", missing">to-morrow,</ins> said my father, as we
+cross’d over the square&mdash;And while you are paying that visit,
+brother <i>Shandy</i>, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;the corporal and
+I will mount the ramparts.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page377" id = "page377">377</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXVIII" id = "bookVII_chapXXVIII">
+CHAPTER XXVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">Now</span> this is the most
+puzzled skein of all&mdash;&mdash;for in this last chapter, as far at
+least as it has help’d me through <i>Auxerre</i>, I&nbsp;have been
+getting forwards in two different journies together, and with the same
+dash of the pen&mdash;for I have got entirely out of <i>Auxerre</i> in
+this journey which I am writing now, and I am got half way out of
+<i>Auxerre</i> in that which I shall write hereafter&mdash;&mdash;There
+is but a certain degree of perfection in everything; and by pushing at
+something beyond that, I&nbsp;have brought myself into such a situation,
+as no traveller ever stood before me; for I am this moment walking
+across the market-place of <i>Auxerre</i> with my father and my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, in our way back to dinner&mdash;&mdash;and I am this moment
+also entering <i>Lyons</i> with my post-chaise broke into a thousand
+pieces&mdash;and I am moreover this moment in a handsome pavillion built
+by <i>Pringello</i>,<a class = "tag" name = "tag_7_4" id = "tag_7_4"
+href = "#note_7_4">4</a> upon the banks of the <i>Garonne</i>, which
+Mons. <i>Sligniac</i> has lent me, and where I now sit rhapsodising all
+these affairs.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Let me collect myself, and pursue my journey.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXIX" id = "bookVII_chapXXIX">
+CHAPTER XXIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I am</span> glad of it, said I, settling
+the account with myself, as I walk’d into <i>Lyons</i>&mdash;&mdash;my
+chaise being all laid higgledy-piggledy with my baggage in a cart, which
+was moving slowly before me&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;am heartily glad, said
+I, that ’tis all broke to pieces; for now I can go directly by water to
+<i>Avignon</i>, which will carry me on a hundred and twenty miles of my
+journey, and not cost me seven livres&mdash;&mdash;and from thence,
+continued I, bringing forwards the account, I&nbsp;can hire a couple of
+mules&mdash;or asses, if I like (for nobody knows&nbsp;me) and cross the
+plains of <i>Languedoc</i> for almost nothing&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;shall
+gain four hundred livres by the misfortune clear into my purse: and
+pleasure! worth&mdash;worth double the money by it. With what velocity,
+continued I, clapping my two hands together, shall I fly down the rapid
+<i>Rhone</i>, with the <span class = "smallcaps">Vivares</span> on my
+right hand, and <span class = "smallcaps">Dauphiny</span> on my left,
+scarce seeing the ancient cities of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Vienne</span>, <i>Valence</i>, and <i>Vivieres</i>.
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page378" id = "page378">378</a></span>
+What a flame will it rekindle in the lamp, to snatch a blushing grape
+from the <i>Hermitage</i> and <i>CĂ´te roti</i>, as I shoot by the foot
+of them! and what a fresh spring in the blood! to behold upon the banks
+advancing and retiring, the castles of romance, whence courteous knights
+have whilome rescued the distress’d&mdash;&mdash;and see vertiginous,
+the rocks, the mountains, the cataracts, and all the hurry which Nature
+is in with all her great works about her.</p>
+
+<p>As I went on thus, methought my chaise, the wreck of which look’d
+stately enough at the first, insensibly grew less and less in its size;
+the freshness of the painting was no more&mdash;the gilding lost its
+lustre&mdash;and the whole affair appeared so poor in my eyes&mdash;so
+sorry!&mdash;so contemptible! and, in a word, so much worse than the
+abbess of <ins class = "correction"
+title = "apostrophe in original"><i>Andoüillets’</i></ins> itself&mdash;that I was just opening
+my mouth to give it to the devil&mdash;when a pert vamping
+chaise-undertaker, stepping nimbly across the street, demanded if
+Monsieur would have his chaise refitted&mdash;&mdash;No, no, said I,
+shaking my head sideways&mdash;Would Monsieur chuse to sell it? rejoined
+the undertaker.&mdash;With all my soul, said I&mdash;the iron work is
+worth forty livres&mdash;and the glasses worth forty more&mdash;and the
+leather you may take to live&nbsp;on.</p>
+
+<p>What a mine of wealth, quoth I, as he counted me the money, has this
+post-chaise brought me in? And this is my usual method of book-keeping,
+at least with the disasters of life&mdash;making a penny of every one of
+’em as they happen to <span class = "locked">me&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Do, my dear <i>Jenny</i>, tell the world for me, how I
+behaved under one, the most oppressive of its kind, which could befal me
+as a man, proud as he ought to be of his <span class =
+"locked">manhood&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>’Tis enough, saidst thou, coming close up to me, as I stood with my
+garters in my hand, reflecting upon what had <i>not</i>
+pass’d&mdash;&mdash;’Tis enough, <i>Tristram</i>, and I am satisfied,
+saidst thou, whispering these words in my ear, **** ** **** ***
+******;&mdash;**** ** **&mdash;&mdash;any other man would have sunk down
+to the <span class = "locked">center&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Everything is good for something, quoth I.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I’ll go into <i>Wales</i> for six weeks, and drink
+goat’s whey&mdash;and I’ll gain seven years longer life for the
+accident. For which reason I think myself inexcusable, for blaming
+fortune so often as I have done, for pelting me all my life long, like
+an ungracious duchess, as I call’d her, with so many small evils:
+surely, if I have any cause to be angry with her, ’tis that she has not
+sent me great ones&mdash;a&nbsp;score of good cursed, bouncing losses,
+would have been as good as a pension to&nbsp;me.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page379" id = "page379">379</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;One of a hundred a year, or so, is all I wish&mdash;I
+would not be at the plague of paying land-tax for a larger.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXX" id = "bookVII_chapXXX">
+CHAPTER XXX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">To</span> those who call vexations, <span
+class = "smallroman">VEXATIONS</span>, as knowing what they are, there
+could not be a greater, than to be the best part of a day at
+<i>Lyons</i>, the most opulent and flourishing city in <i>France</i>,
+enriched with the most fragments of antiquity&mdash;and not be able to
+see it. To be withheld upon <i>any</i> account, must be a vexation; but
+to be withheld <i>by</i> a vexation&mdash;&mdash;must certainly be, what
+philosophy justly calls</p>
+
+<h5 class = "final">
+VEXATION<br />
+<span class = "smallroman">UPON</span><br />
+VEXATION.</h5>
+
+<p>I had got my two dishes of milk coffee (which by the bye is
+excellently good for a consumption, but you must boil the milk and
+coffee together&mdash;otherwise ’tis only coffee and milk)&mdash;and as
+it was no more than eight in the morning, and the boat did not go off
+till noon, I&nbsp;had time to see enough of <i>Lyons</i> to tire the
+patience of all the friends I had in the world with it. I&nbsp;will take
+a walk to the cathedral, said I, looking at my list, and see the
+wonderful mechanism of this great clock of <i>Lippius</i> of
+<i>Basil</i>, in the first <span class =
+"locked">place&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Now, of all things in the world, I understand the least of
+mechanism&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have neither genius, or taste, or
+fancy&mdash;and have a brain so entirely unapt for everything of that
+kind, that I solemnly declare I was never yet able to comprehend the
+principles of motion of a squirrel cage, or a common knife-grinder’s
+wheel&mdash;tho’ I&nbsp;have many an hour of my life look’d up with
+great devotion at the one&mdash;and stood by with as much patience as
+any christian ever could do, at the <span class =
+"locked">other&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I’ll go see the surprising movements of this great clock, said I, the
+very first thing I do: and then I will pay a visit to the great library
+of the Jesuits, and procure, if possible, a&nbsp;sight of the thirty
+volumes of the general history of <i>China</i>, wrote (not in the
+<i>Tartarean</i>, but) in the <i>Chinese</i> language, and in the
+<i>Chinese</i> character too.</p>
+
+<p>Now I almost know as little of the <i>Chinese</i> language, as I do
+of the mechanism of <i>Lippius’s</i> clock-work; so, why these should
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page380" id = "page380">380</a></span>
+have jostled themselves into the two first articles of my
+list&mdash;&mdash;I leave to the curious as a problem of Nature.
+I&nbsp;own it looks like one of her ladyship’s obliquities; and they who
+court her, are interested in finding out her humour as much
+as&nbsp;I.</p>
+
+<p>When these curiosities are seen, quoth I, half addressing myself to
+my <i>valet de place</i>, who stood behind me&mdash;&mdash;’twill be no
+hurt if we go to the church of St. <i>IrenĂŚus</i>, and see the pillar to
+which <i>Christ</i> was tied&mdash;&mdash;and after that, the house
+where <i>Pontius Pilate</i> lived&mdash;&mdash;’Twas at the next town,
+said the <i>valet de place</i>&mdash;at <i>Vienne</i>; I&nbsp;am glad of
+it, said I, rising briskly from my chair, and walking across the room
+with strides twice as long as my usual pace&mdash;&mdash;“for so much
+the sooner shall I be at the <i>Tomb of the two lovers</i>.”</p>
+
+<p>What was the cause of this movement, and why I took such long strides
+in uttering this&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;might leave to the curious too; but
+as no principle of clock-work is concerned in it&mdash;&mdash;’twill be
+as well for the reader if I explain it myself.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXXI" id = "bookVII_chapXXXI">
+CHAPTER XXXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">O there</span> is a sweet ĂŚra in the life
+of man, when (the brain being tender and fibrillous, and more like pap
+than anything else)&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;story read of two fond lovers,
+separated from each other by cruel parents, and by still more cruel
+<span class = "locked">destiny&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p class = "super">
+<i>Amandus</i>&mdash;&mdash;He<br />
+<i>Amanda</i>&mdash;&mdash;She&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>each ignorant of the other’s course,</p>
+
+
+<p class = "super">
+He&mdash;&mdash;east<br />
+She&mdash;&mdash;west</p>
+
+<p><i>Amandus</i> taken captive by the <i>Turks</i>, and carried to the
+emperor of <i>Morocco’s</i> court, where the princess of <i>Morocco</i>
+falling in love with him, keeps him twenty years in prison for the love
+of his <span class = "locked"><i>Amanda</i>.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>She&mdash;(<i>Amanda</i>) all the time wandering barefoot, and with
+dishevell’d hair, o’er rocks and mountains, enquiring for
+<i>Amandus!</i>&mdash;&mdash;<i>Amandus! Amandus!</i>&mdash;making every
+hill and valley to echo back his <span class =
+"locked">name&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p class = "super">
+<i>Amandus! Amandus!</i></p>
+
+<p>at every town and city, sitting down forlorn at the
+gate&mdash;&mdash;Has <i>Amandus!</i>&mdash;has my <i>Amandus</i>
+enter’d?&mdash;&mdash;till,&mdash;&mdash;going round, and round, and
+round the world&mdash;&mdash;chance unexpected bringing them at the same
+moment of the night, though by different
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page381" id = "page381">381</a></span>
+ways, to the gate of <i>Lyons</i>, their native city, and each in
+well-known accents calling out aloud,</p>
+
+<table class = "inline super" summary = "aligned text">
+<tr>
+<td>
+Is <i>Amandus</i><br />
+Is my <i>Amanda</i></td>
+<td class = "bracket">
+still alive?
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>they fly into each other’s arms, and both drop down dead for joy.</p>
+
+<p>There is a soft æra in every gentle mortal’s life, where such a story
+affords more <i>pabulum</i> to the brain, than all the <i>Frusts</i>,
+and <i>Crusts</i>, and <i>Rusts</i> of antiquity, which travellers can
+cook up for&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Twas all that stuck on the right side of the cullender
+in my own, of what <i>Spon</i> and others, in their accounts of
+<i>Lyons</i>, had <i>strained</i> into it; and finding, moreover, in
+some Itinerary, but in what God knows&mdash;&mdash;That sacred to the
+fidelity of <i>Amandus</i> and <i>Amanda</i>, a&nbsp;tomb was built
+without the gates, where, to this hour, lovers called upon them to
+attest their truths&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never could get into a scrape of
+that kind in my life, but this <i>tomb of the lovers</i> would, somehow
+or other, come in at the close&mdash;&mdash;nay such a kind of empire
+had it establish’d over me, that I could seldom think or speak of
+<i>Lyons</i>&mdash;and sometimes not so much as see even a
+<i>Lyons-waistcoat</i>, but this remnant of antiquity would present
+itself to my fancy; and I have often said in my wild way of running
+on&mdash;&mdash;tho’ I&nbsp;fear with some
+irreverence&mdash;&mdash;“I&nbsp;thought this shrine (neglected as it
+was) as valuable as that of <i>Mecca</i>, and so little short, except in
+wealth, of the <i>Santa Casa</i> itself, that some time or other,
+I&nbsp;would go a pilgrimage (though I had no other business at
+<i>Lyons</i>) on purpose to pay it a visit.”</p>
+
+<p>In my list, therefore, of <i>Videnda</i> at <i>Lyons</i>, this, tho’
+<i>last</i>,&mdash;was not, you see, <i>least</i>; so taking a dozen or
+two of longer strides than usual across my room, just whilst it passed
+my brain, I&nbsp;walked down calmly into the <i>Basse Cour</i>, in order
+to sally forth; and having called for my bill&mdash;as it was uncertain
+whether I should return to my inn, I&nbsp;had paid it&mdash;&mdash;had
+moreover given the maid ten sous, and was just receiving the dernier
+compliments of Monsieur <i>Le Blanc</i>, for a pleasant voyage down the
+<i>RhĂ´ne</i>&mdash;&mdash;when I was stopped at the <span class =
+"locked">gate&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXXII" id = "bookVII_chapXXXII">
+CHAPTER XXXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">’Twas</span> by a poor ass,
+who had just turned in with a couple of large panniers upon his back, to
+collect eleemosynary turnip-tops and cabbage-leaves; and stood dubious,
+with his two fore-feet
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page382" id = "page382">382</a></span>
+on the inside of the threshold, and with his two hinder feet towards the
+street, as not knowing very well whether he was to go in or&nbsp;no.</p>
+
+<p>Now, ’tis an animal (be in what hurry I may) I cannot bear to
+strike&mdash;&mdash;there is a patient endurance of sufferings, wrote so
+unaffectedly in his looks and carriage, which pleads so mightily for
+him, that it always disarms me; and to that degree, that I do not like
+to speak unkindly to him: on the contrary, meet him where I
+will&mdash;whether in town or country&mdash;in cart or under
+panniers&mdash;whether in liberty or bondage&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have
+ever something civil to say to him on my part; and as one word begets
+another (if&nbsp;he has as little to do
+as&nbsp;I)&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;generally fall into conversation with
+him; and surely never is my imagination so busy as in framing his
+responses from the etchings of his countenance&mdash;and where those
+carry me not deep enough&mdash;&mdash;in flying from my own heart into
+his, and seeing what is natural for an ass to think&mdash;as well as a
+man, upon the occasion. In truth, it is the only creature of all the
+classes of beings below me, with whom I can do this: for parrots,
+jackdaws, &amp;c.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never exchange a word with
+them&mdash;&mdash;nor with the apes, &amp;c., for pretty near the same
+reason; they act by rote, as the others speak by it, and equally make me
+silent: nay my dog and my cat, though I value them
+both&mdash;&mdash;(and for my dog he would speak if he could)&mdash;yet
+somehow or other, they neither of them possess the talents for
+conversation&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;can make nothing of a discourse with
+them, beyond the <i>proposition</i>, the <i>reply</i>, and
+<i>rejoinder</i>, which terminated my father’s and my mother’s
+conversations, in his beds of justice&mdash;&mdash;and those
+utter’d&mdash;&mdash;there’s an end of the <span class =
+"locked">dialogue&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;But with an ass, I can commune for ever.</p>
+
+<p>Come, <i>Honesty!</i> said I,&mdash;&mdash;seeing it was
+impracticable to pass betwixt him and the gate&mdash;&mdash;art thou for
+coming in, or going out?</p>
+
+<p>The ass twisted his head round to look up the
+street&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Well&mdash;replied I&mdash;we’ll wait a minute for thy driver:</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;He turned his head thoughtful about, and looked
+wistfully the opposite <span class =
+"locked">way&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I understand thee perfectly, answered I&mdash;&mdash;If thou takest a
+wrong step in this affair, he will cudgel thee to
+death&mdash;&mdash;Well! a&nbsp;minute is but a minute, and if it saves
+a fellow-creature a drubbing, it shall not be set down as ill spent.</p>
+
+<p>He was eating the stem of an artichoke as this discourse went on, and
+in the little peevish contentions of nature betwixt hunger
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page383" id = "page383">383</a></span>
+and unsavouriness, had dropt it out of his mouth half a dozen times, and
+pick’d it up again&mdash;&mdash;God help thee, <i>Jack!</i> said I, thou
+hast a bitter breakfast on’t&mdash;and many a bitter day’s
+labour,&mdash;and many a bitter blow, I&nbsp;fear, for its
+wages&mdash;&mdash;’tis all&mdash;all bitterness to thee, whatever life
+is to others.&mdash;&mdash;And now thy mouth, if one knew the truth of
+it, is as bitter, I&nbsp;dare say, as soot&mdash;(for he had cast aside
+the stem) and thou hast not a friend perhaps in all this world, that
+will give thee a macaroon.&mdash;&mdash;In saying this, I&nbsp;pull’d
+out a paper of ’em, which I had just purchased, and gave him
+one&mdash;and at this moment that I am telling it, my heart smites me,
+that there was more of pleasantry in the conceit, of seeing <i>how</i>
+an ass would eat a macaroon&mdash;&mdash;than of benevolence in giving
+him one, which presided in the act.</p>
+
+<p>When the ass had eaten his macaroon, I press’d him to come
+in&mdash;the poor beast was heavy loaded&mdash;&mdash;his legs seem’d to
+tremble under him&mdash;&mdash;he hung rather backwards, and as I pull’d
+at his halter, it broke short in my hand&mdash;&mdash;he look’d up
+pensive in my face&mdash;“Don’t thrash me with it&mdash;but if you will,
+you may”&mdash;&mdash;If I do, said&nbsp;I, I’ll be
+d&mdash;&mdash;d.</p>
+
+<p>The word was but one-half of it pronounced, like the abbess of
+<i>Andoüillets’</i>&mdash;(so&nbsp;there was no sin
+in&nbsp;it)&mdash;when a person coming in, let fall a thundering
+bastinado upon the poor devil’s crupper, which put an end to the
+ceremony.</p>
+
+<p class = "indent">
+<i>Out upon it!</i></p>
+
+<p>cried I&mdash;&mdash;but the interjection was
+equivocal&mdash;&mdash;and, I&nbsp;think, wrong placed too&mdash;for the
+end of an osier which had started out from the contexture of the ass’s
+pannier, had caught hold of my breeches pocket, as he rush’d by me, and
+rent it in the most disastrous direction you can imagine&mdash;&mdash;so
+that the</p>
+
+<p><i>Out upon it!</i> in my opinion, should have come in
+here&mdash;&mdash;but this I leave to be settled&nbsp;by</p>
+
+<p class = "center smallroman">
+THE<br />
+REVIEWERS<br />
+OF<br />
+MY BREECHES,</p>
+
+<p>which I have brought over along with me for that purpose.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page384" id = "page384">384</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXXIII" id = "bookVII_chapXXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> all was set to rights, I came
+down stairs again into the <i>basse cour</i> with my <i>valet de
+place</i>, in order to sally out towards the tomb of the two lovers,
+&amp;c.&mdash;and was a second time stopp’d at the gate&mdash;&mdash;not
+by the ass&mdash;but by the person who struck him; and who, by that
+time, had taken possession (as&nbsp;is not uncommon after a defeat) of
+the very spot of ground where the ass stood.</p>
+
+<p>It was a commissary sent to me from the post-office, with a rescript
+in his hand for the payment of some six livres odd sous.</p>
+
+<p>Upon what account? said I.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis upon the part of the
+king, replied the commissary, heaving up both his <span class =
+"locked">shoulders&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;My good friend, quoth I&mdash;&mdash;as sure as I am
+I&mdash;and you are <span class = "locked">you&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And who are you? said he.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Don’t
+puzzle me; said&nbsp;I.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXXIV" id = "bookVII_chapXXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But it is an indubitable verity, continued I,
+addressing myself to the commissary, changing only the form of my
+asseveration&mdash;&mdash;that I owe the king of <i>France</i> nothing
+but my good-will; for he is a very honest man, and I wish him all health
+and pastime in the <span class = "locked">world&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Pardonnez moi</i>&mdash;replied the commissary, you are indebted
+to him six livres four sous, for the next post from hence to St.
+<i>Fons</i>, in your route to <i>Avignon</i>&mdash;which being a post
+royal, you pay double for the horses and postillion&mdash;otherwise
+’twould have amounted to no more than three livres two <span class =
+"locked">sous&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But I don’t go by land; said I.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;You may if you please; replied the
+commissary&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Your most obedient servant&mdash;&mdash;said I, making him a low
+bow&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>The commissary, with all the sincerity of grave good
+breeding&mdash;made me one, as low again.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never was
+more disconcerted with a bow in my life.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The devil take the serious character of these people!
+quoth I&mdash;(aside) they understand no more of <span class =
+"smallroman">IRONY</span> than <span class =
+"locked">this&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The comparison was standing close by with his panniers&mdash;but
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page385" id = "page385">385</a></span>
+something seal’d up my lips&mdash;I could not pronounce the <span class
+= "locked">name&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Sir, said I, collecting myself&mdash;it is not my intention to take
+post&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;But you may&mdash;said he, persisting in his first
+reply&mdash;you may take post if you <span class =
+"locked">chuse&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;And I may take salt to my pickled herring, said I, if I
+chuse&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;But I do not chuse&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;But you must pay for it, whether you do or no.</p>
+
+<p>Aye! for the salt; said I (I know)&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;And for the post too; added he. Defend me! cried
+I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>I travel by water&mdash;I am going down the <i>RhĂ´ne</i> this very
+afternoon&mdash;my baggage is in the boat&mdash;and I have actually paid
+nine livres for my <span class =
+"locked">passage&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p><i>C’est tout egal</i>&mdash;’tis all one; said he.</p>
+
+<p><i>Bon Dieu!</i> what, pay for the way I go! and for the way I do
+<i>not</i>&nbsp;go!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<i>C’est tout egal</i>; replied the
+commissary&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The devil it is! said I&mdash;but I will go to ten
+thousand Bastiles <span class = "locked">first&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p><i>O England! England!</i> thou land of liberty, and climate of good
+sense, thou tenderest of mothers&mdash;and gentlest of nurses, cried I,
+kneeling upon one knee, as I was beginning my apostrophe.</p>
+
+<p>When the director of Madam <i>Le Blanc’s</i> conscience coming in at
+that instant, and seeing a person in black, with a face as pale as
+ashes, at his devotions&mdash;looking still paler by the contrast and
+distress of his drapery&mdash;ask’d, if I stood in want of the aids of
+the <span class = "locked">church&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I go by <span class = "smallroman">WATER</span>&mdash;said
+I&mdash;and here’s another will be for making me pay for going by <span
+class = "smallroman">OIL</span>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXXV" id = "bookVII_chapXXXV">
+CHAPTER XXXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> I perceived the commissary of the
+post-office would have his six livres four sous, I&nbsp;had nothing else
+for it, but to say some smart thing upon the occasion, worth the
+money:</p>
+
+<p>And so I set off thus:&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And pray, Mr. Commissary, by what law of courtesy is a
+defenceless stranger to be used just the reverse from what you use a
+<i>Frenchman</i> in this matter?</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page386" id = "page386">386</a></span>
+<p>By no means; said he.</p>
+
+<p>Excuse me; said I&mdash;for you have begun, Sir, with first tearing
+off my breeches&mdash;and now you want my <span class =
+"locked">pocket&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Whereas&mdash;had you first taken my pocket, as you do with your own
+people&mdash;and then left me bare a&mdash;’d after&mdash;I&nbsp;had
+been a beast to have <span class =
+"locked">complain’d&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>As it is&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis contrary to the <i>law of nature</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis contrary to <i>reason</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis contrary to the <span class =
+"smallroman">GOSPEL</span>.</p>
+
+<p>But not to this&mdash;&mdash;said he&mdash;putting a printed paper
+into my hand,</p>
+
+<h5 class = "smallcaps">Par le Roy.</h5>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’Tis a pithy prolegomenon, quoth
+I&mdash;and so read on
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; <span class =
+"locked">&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;By all which it appears, quoth I, having read it over,
+a little too rapidly, that if a man sets out in a post-chaise from
+<i>Paris</i>&mdash;he must go on travelling in one, all the days of his
+life&mdash;or pay for it.&mdash;Excuse me, said the commissary, the
+spirit of the ordinance is this&mdash;That if you set out with an
+intention of running post from <i>Paris</i> to <i>Avignon</i>, &amp;c.,
+you shall not change that intention or mode of travelling, without first
+satisfying the fermiers for two posts further than the place you repent
+at&mdash;and ’tis founded, continued he, upon this, that the <span class
+= "smallroman">REVENUES</span> are not to fall short through your <span
+class = "locked"><i>fickleness</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;O by heavens! cried I&mdash;if fickleness is taxable in
+<i>France</i>&mdash;we have nothing to do but to make the best peace
+with you we <span class = "locked">can&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p><span class = "smallroman">AND SO THE PEACE WAS MADE</span>;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And if it is a bad one&mdash;as <i>Tristram Shandy</i>
+laid the corner-stone of it&mdash;nobody but <i>Tristram Shandy</i>
+ought to be hanged.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXXVI" id = "bookVII_chapXXXVI">
+CHAPTER XXXVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Though</span> I was sensible I had said as
+many clever things to the commissary as came to six livres four sous,
+yet I was determined to note down the imposition amongst my remarks
+before I retired
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page387" id = "page387">387</a></span>
+from the place; so putting my hand into my coat-pocket for my
+remarks&mdash;(which, by the bye, may be a caution to travellers to take
+a little more care of <i>their</i> remarks for the future) “my remarks
+were <i>stolen</i>”&mdash;&mdash;Never did sorry traveller make such a
+pother and racket about his remarks as I did about mine, upon the
+occasion.</p>
+
+<p>Heaven! earth! sea! fire! cried I, calling in everything to my aid
+but what I should&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;My remarks are stolen!&mdash;what
+shall I do?&mdash;&mdash;Mr. Commissary! pray did I drop any remarks, as
+I stood besides <span class =
+"locked">you?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>You dropp’d a good many very singular ones; replied
+he&mdash;&mdash;Pugh! said I, those were but a few, not worth above six
+livres two sous&mdash;but these are a large parcel&mdash;&mdash;He shook
+his head&mdash;&mdash;Monsieur <i>Le Blanc!</i> Madam <i>Le Blanc!</i>
+did you see any papers of mine?&mdash;you maid of the house! run up
+stairs&mdash;<i>François!</i> run up after <span class =
+"locked">her&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;I must have my remarks&mdash;&mdash;they were the best
+remarks, cried I, that ever were made&mdash;the wisest&mdash;the
+wittiest&mdash;What shall I do?&mdash;which way shall I turn myself?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sancho Pança</i>, when he lost his ass’s <span class =
+"smallroman">FURNITURE</span>, did not exclaim more bitterly.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXXVII" id = "bookVII_chapXXXVII">
+CHAPTER XXXVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> the first transport was over,
+and the registers of the brain were beginning to get a little out of the
+confusion into which this jumble of cross accidents had cast
+them&mdash;it then presently occurr’d to me, that I had left my remarks
+in the pocket of the chaise&mdash;and that in selling my chaise,
+I&nbsp;had sold my remarks along with it, to the chaise-vamper.
+<img src = "images/onedot.gif" width = "200" height = "12"
+alt = "[blank space]" />
+I&nbsp;leave this void space that the reader may swear into it any oath
+that he is most accustomed to&mdash;&mdash;For my own part, if ever I
+swore a <i>whole</i> oath into a vacancy in my life, I&nbsp;think it was
+into that&mdash;&mdash;*********, said I&mdash;and so my remarks through
+<i>France</i>, which were as full of wit, as an egg is full of meat, and
+as well worth four hundred guineas, as the said egg is worth a
+penny&mdash;have I been selling here to a chaise-vamper&mdash;for four
+<i>Louis d’Ors</i>&mdash;and giving him a post-chaise (by&nbsp;heaven)
+worth six into the bargain; had it been to <i>Dodsley</i>, or
+<i>Becket</i>, or any creditable bookseller, who was either leaving off
+business, and wanted a post-chaise&mdash;or who was beginning
+it&mdash;and wanted my remarks, and two or three guineas along with
+them&mdash;I&nbsp;could have borne it&mdash;&mdash;but to a
+chaise-vamper!&mdash;shew me to him this moment,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page388" id = "page388">388</a></span>
+<i>François</i>,&mdash;said I&mdash;The valet de place put on his hat,
+and led the way&mdash;and I pull’d off mine, as I pass’d the commissary,
+and followed him.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXXVIII" id = "bookVII_chapXXXVIII">
+CHAPTER XXXVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> we arrived at the
+Chaise-vamper’s House, Both the House and the shop were shut up; it was
+the eighth of <i>September</i>, the nativity of the blessed Virgin
+<i>Mary</i>, mother of <span class = "locked">God&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Tantarra-ra-tan-tivi&mdash;&mdash;the whole world was
+gone out a May-poling&mdash;frisking here&mdash;capering
+there&mdash;&mdash;nobody cared a button for me or my remarks; so I sat
+me down upon a bench by the door, philosophating upon my condition: by a
+better fate than usually attends me, I&nbsp;had not waited half an hour,
+when the mistress came in to take the papilliotes from off her hair,
+before she went to the <span class =
+"locked">May-poles&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The <i>French</i> women, by the bye, love May-poles, <i>Ă  la
+folie</i>&mdash;that is, as much as their matins&mdash;&mdash;give ’em
+but a May-pole, whether in <i>May</i>, <i>June</i>, <i>July</i>, or
+<i>September</i>&mdash;they never count the times&mdash;&mdash;down it
+goes&mdash;&mdash;’tis meat, drink, washing, and lodging to
+’em&mdash;&mdash;and had we but the policy, an’ please your worships
+(as&nbsp;wood is a little scarce in <i>France</i>), to send them but
+plenty of <span class = "locked">May-poles&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The women would set them up; and when they had done, they would dance
+round them (and the men for company) till they were all blind.</p>
+
+<p>The wife of the chaise-vamper stepp’d in, I told you, to take the
+papilliotes from off her hair&mdash;&mdash;the toilet stands still for
+no man&mdash;&mdash;so she jerk’d off her cap, to begin with them as she
+open’d the door, in doing which, one of them fell upon the
+ground&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;instantly saw it was my own <span class =
+"locked">writing&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>O Seigneur! cried I&mdash;you have got all my remarks upon your head,
+Madam!&mdash;&mdash;<i>J’en suis bien mortifiée</i>, said
+she&mdash;&mdash;’tis well, thinks I, they have stuck there&mdash;for
+could they have gone deeper, they would have made such confusion in a
+<i>French</i> woman’s noddle&mdash;She had better have gone with it
+unfrizled, to the day of eternity.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tenez</i>&mdash;said she&mdash;so without any idea of the nature
+of my suffering, she took them from her curls, and put them gravely one
+by one into my hat&mdash;&mdash;one was twisted this
+way&mdash;&mdash;another twisted that&mdash;&mdash;ey! by my faith; and
+when they are published, <span class =
+"locked">quoth&nbsp;I,&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>They will be worse twisted still.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page389" id = "page389">389</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXXXIX" id = "bookVII_chapXXXIX">
+CHAPTER XXXIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">And</span> now for <i>Lippius’s</i> clock!
+said I, with the air of a man, who had got thro’ all his
+difficulties&mdash;&mdash;nothing can prevent us seeing that, and the
+<i>Chinese</i> history, &amp;c., except the time, said
+<i>François</i>&mdash;&mdash;for ’tis almost eleven&mdash;Then we must
+speed the faster, said I, striding it away to the cathedral.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot say, in my heart, that it gave me any concern in being told
+by one of the minor canons, as I was entering the west door,&mdash;That
+<i>Lippius’s</i> great clock was all out of joints, and had not gone for
+some years&mdash;&mdash;It will give me the more time, thought I, to
+peruse the <i>Chinese</i> history; and besides I shall be able to give
+the world a better account of the clock in its decay, than I could have
+done in its flourishing <span class =
+"locked">condition&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And so away I posted to the college of the Jesuits.</p>
+
+<p>Now it is with the project of getting a peep at the history of
+<i>China</i> in <i>Chinese</i> characters&mdash;as with many others I
+could mention, which strike the fancy only at a distance; for as I came
+nearer and nearer to the point&mdash;my blood cool’d&mdash;the freak
+gradually went off, till at length I would not have given a cherrystone
+to have it gratified&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;The truth was, my time was
+short, and my heart was at the Tomb of the
+Lovers&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish to God, said I, as I got the rapper in
+my hand, that the key of the library may be but lost; it fell out as
+<span class = "locked">well&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p><i>For all the <span class = "smallcaps">Jesuits</span> had got the
+cholic</i>&mdash;and to that degree, as never was known in the memory of
+the oldest practitioner.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXL" id = "bookVII_chapXL">
+CHAPTER XL</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> I knew the geography of the Tomb
+of the Lovers, as well as if I had lived twenty years in <i>Lyons</i>,
+namely, that it was upon the turning of my right hand, just without the
+gate, leading to the <i>Fauxbourg de
+Vaise</i>&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;dispatched <i>François</i> to the boat,
+that I might pay the homage I so long ow’d it, without a witness of my
+weakness&mdash;I&nbsp;walk’d with all imaginable joy towards the
+place&mdash;&mdash;when I saw the gate which intercepted the tomb, my
+heart glowed within <span class = "locked">me&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Tender and faithful spirits! cried I, addressing myself to
+<i>Amandus</i> and <i>Amanda</i>&mdash;long&mdash;long have I tarried to
+drop this tear upon your <span class =
+"locked">tomb&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;come&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;come&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page390" id = "page390">390</a></span>
+<p>When I came&mdash;there was no tomb to drop it upon.</p>
+
+<p>What would I have given for my uncle <i>Toby</i>, to have whistled
+Lillabullero!</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXLI" id = "bookVII_chapXLI">
+CHAPTER XLI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">No</span> matter how, or in what
+mood&mdash;but I flew from the tomb of the lovers&mdash;or rather I did
+not fly <i>from</i> it&mdash;(for there was no such thing existing) and
+just got time enough to the boat to save my passage;&mdash;and ere I had
+sailed a hundred yards, the <i>RhĂ´ne</i> and the <i>SaĂ´n</i> met
+together, and carried me down merrily betwixt them.</p>
+
+<p>But I have described this voyage down the <i>RhĂ´ne</i>, before I made
+<span class = "locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;So now I am at <i>Avignon</i>, and as there is nothing
+to see but the old house, in which the duke of <i>Ormond</i> resided,
+and nothing to stop me but a short remark upon the place, in three
+minutes you will see me crossing the bridge upon a mule, with
+<i>François</i> upon a horse with my portmanteau behind him, and the
+owner of both, striding the way before us, with a long gun upon his
+shoulder, and a sword under his arm, lest peradventure we should run
+away with his cattle. Had you seen my breeches in entering
+<i>Avignon</i>,&mdash;&mdash;Though you’d have seen them better,
+I&nbsp;think, as I mounted&mdash;you would not have thought the
+precaution amiss, or found in your heart to have taken it in dudgeon;
+for my own part, I&nbsp;took it most kindly; and determined to make him
+a present of them, when we got to the end of our journey, for the
+trouble they had put him to, of arming himself at all points against
+them.</p>
+
+<p>Before I go further, let me get rid of my remark upon <i>Avignon</i>,
+which is this: That I think it wrong, merely because a man’s hat has
+been blown off his head by chance the first night he comes to
+<i>Avignon</i>,&mdash;&mdash;that he should therefore say,
+“<i>Avignon</i> is more subject to high winds than any town in all
+<i>France</i>:” for which reason I laid no stress upon the accident till
+I had enquired of the master of the inn about it, who telling me
+seriously it was so&mdash;&mdash;and hearing, moreover, the windiness of
+<i>Avignon</i> spoke of in the country about as a
+proverb&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;set it down, merely to ask the learned what
+can be the cause&mdash;&mdash;the consequence I saw&mdash;for they are
+all Dukes, Marquisses, and Counts, there&mdash;&mdash;the duce a Baron,
+in all <i>Avignon</i>&mdash;&mdash;so that there is scarce any talking
+to them on a windy day.</p>
+
+<p>Prithee, friend, said I, take hold of my mule for a
+moment&mdash;&mdash;for
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page391" id = "page391">391</a></span>
+I wanted to pull off one of my jack-boots, which hurt my heel&mdash;the
+man was standing quite idle at the door of the inn, and as I had taken
+it into my head, he was someway concerned about the house or stable,
+I&nbsp;put the bridle into his hand&mdash;so begun with the
+boot:&mdash;when I had finished the affair, I&nbsp;turned about to take
+the mule from the man, and thank <span class =
+"locked">him&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;But <i>Monsieur le Marquis</i> had walked
+in&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXLII" id = "bookVII_chapXLII">
+CHAPTER XLII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I had</span> now the whole south of
+<i>France</i>, from the banks of the <i>RhĂ´ne</i> to those of the
+<i>Garonne</i>, to traverse upon my mule at my own leisure&mdash;<i>at
+my own leisure</i>&mdash;&mdash;for I had left Death, the Lord
+knows&mdash;&mdash;and He only&mdash;how far behind
+me&mdash;&mdash;“I&nbsp;have followed many a man thro’ <i>France</i>,
+quoth he&mdash;but never at this mettlesome rate.”&mdash;&mdash;Still he
+followed,&mdash;&mdash;and still I fled him&mdash;&mdash;but I fled him
+chearfully&mdash;&mdash;still he pursued&mdash;&mdash;but, like one who
+pursued his prey without hope&mdash;&mdash;as he lagg’d, every step he
+lost, soften’d his looks&mdash;&mdash;why should I fly him at this
+rate?</p>
+
+<p>So notwithstanding all the commissary of the post-office had said,
+I&nbsp;changed the <i>mode</i> of my travelling once more; and, after so
+precipitate and rattling a course as I had run, I&nbsp;flattered my
+fancy with thinking of my mule, and that I should traverse the rich
+plains of <i>Languedoc</i> upon his back, as slowly as foot could
+fall.</p>
+
+<p>There is nothing more pleasing to a traveller&mdash;&mdash;or more
+terrible to travel-writers, than a large rich plain; especially if it is
+without great rivers or bridges; and presents nothing to the eye, but
+one unvaried picture of plenty: for after they have once told you, that
+’tis delicious! or delightful! (as&nbsp;the case happens)&mdash;that the
+soil was grateful, and that nature pours out all her abundance, &amp;c.
+.&nbsp;.&nbsp;. they have then a large plain upon their hands, which
+they know not what to do with&mdash;and which is of little or no use to
+them but to carry them to some town; and that town, perhaps of little
+more, but a new place to start from to the next plain&mdash;&mdash;and
+so&nbsp;on.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;This is most terrible work; judge if I don’t manage my plains
+better.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page392" id = "page392">392</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVII_chapXLIII" id = "bookVII_chapXLIII">
+CHAPTER XLIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I had</span> not gone above two leagues and
+a half, before the man with his gun began to look at his priming.</p>
+
+<p>I had three several times loiter’d <i>terribly</i> behind; half a
+mile at least every time; once, in deep conference with a drum-maker,
+who was making drums for the fairs of <i>Baucaira</i> and
+<i>Tarascone</i>&mdash;I&nbsp;did not understand the <span class =
+"locked">principles&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The second time, I cannot so properly say, I stopp’d&mdash;&mdash;for
+meeting a couple of <i>Franciscans</i> straitened more for time than
+myself, and not being able to get to the bottom of what I was
+about&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;had turn’d back with <span class =
+"locked">them&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The third, was an affair of trade with a gossip, for a hand-basket of
+<i>Provence</i> figs for four sous; this would have been transacted at
+once; but for a case of conscience at the close of it; for when the figs
+were paid for, it turn’d out, that there were two dozen of eggs cover’d
+over with vine-leaves at the bottom of the basket&mdash;as I had no
+intention of buying eggs&mdash;I&nbsp;made no sort of claim of
+them&mdash;as for the space they had occupied&mdash;what signified it?
+I&nbsp;had figs enow for my <span class =
+"locked">money&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;But it was my intention to have the basket&mdash;it was the
+gossip’s intention to keep it, without which, she could do nothing with
+her eggs&mdash;&mdash;and unless I had the basket, I&nbsp;could do as
+little with my figs, which were too ripe already, and most of ’em burst
+at the side: this brought on a short contention, which terminated in
+sundry proposals, what we should both <span class =
+"locked">do&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;How we disposed of our eggs and figs, I defy you, or
+the Devil himself, had he not been there (which I am persuaded he was),
+to form the least probable conjecture: You will read the whole of
+it&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;not this year, for I am hastening to the story of
+my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> amours&mdash;but you will read it in the
+collection of those which have arose out of the journey across this
+plain&mdash;and which, therefore, I&nbsp;call&nbsp;my</p>
+
+<h5 class = "smaller extended">PLAIN STORIES.</h5>
+
+<p>How far my pen has been fatigued, like those of other travellers, in
+this journey of it, over so barren a track&mdash;the world must
+judge&mdash;but the traces of it, which are now all set o’ vibrating
+together this moment, tell me ’tis the most fruitful and busy period of
+my life; for as I had made no convention with
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page393" id = "page393">393</a></span>
+my man with the gun, as to time&mdash;by stopping and talking to every
+soul I met, who was not in a full trot&mdash;joining all parties before
+me&mdash;waiting for every soul behind&mdash;hailing all those who were
+coming through cross-roads&mdash;arresting all kinds of beggars,
+pilgrims, fiddlers, friars&mdash;&mdash;not passing by a woman in a
+mulberry-tree without commending her legs, and tempting her into
+conversation with a pinch of snuff&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;In short, by
+seizing every handle, of what size or shape soever, which chance held
+out to me in this journey&mdash;I&nbsp;turned my <i>plain</i> into a
+<i>city</i>&mdash;I&nbsp;was always in company, and with great variety
+too; and as my mule loved society as much as myself, and had some
+proposals always on his part to offer to every beast he
+met&mdash;I&nbsp;am confident we could have passed through
+<i>Pall-Mall</i>, or St. <i>James’s</i>-Street for a month together,
+with fewer adventures&mdash;and seen less of human nature.</p>
+
+<p>O! there is that sprightly frankness, which at once unpins every
+plait of a <i>Languedocian’s</i> dress&mdash;that whatever is beneath
+it, it looks so like the simplicity which poets sing of in better
+days&mdash;I&nbsp;will delude my fancy, and believe it is&nbsp;so.</p>
+
+<p>’Twas in the road betwixt <i>Nismes</i> and <i>Lunel</i>, where there
+is the best <i>Muscatto</i> wine in all <i>France</i>, and which by the
+bye belongs to the honest canons of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Montpellier</span>&mdash;and foul befal the man who has
+drank it at their table, who grudges them a drop of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The sun was set&mdash;they had done their work; the
+nymphs had tied up their hair afresh&mdash;and the swains were preparing
+for a carousal&mdash;&mdash;my mule made a dead point&mdash;&mdash;’Tis
+the fife and tabourin, said I&mdash;&mdash;I’m frighten’d to death,
+quoth he&mdash;&mdash;They are running at the ring of pleasure, said I,
+giving him a prick&mdash;&mdash;By saint <i>Boogar</i>, and all the
+saints at the backside of the door of purgatory, said he&mdash;(making
+the same resolution with the abbesse of <i>Andoüillets</i>) I’ll not go
+a step further&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;’Tis very well, sir, said
+I&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never will argue a point with one of your family,
+as long as I live; so leaping off his back, and kicking off one boot
+into this ditch, and t’other into that&mdash;I’ll take a dance, said
+I&mdash;so stay you here.</p>
+
+<p>A sun-burnt daughter of Labour rose up from the groupe to meet me, as
+I advanced towards them; her hair, which was a dark chesnut approaching
+rather to a black, was tied up in a knot, all but a single tress.</p>
+
+<p>We want a cavalier, said she, holding out both her hands, as if to
+offer them&mdash;And a cavalier ye shall have; said I, taking hold of
+both of them.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page394" id = "page394">394</a></span>
+<p>Hadst thou, <i>Nannette</i>, been array’d like a dutchesse!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But that cursed slit in thy petticoat!</p>
+
+<p><i>Nannette</i> cared not for it.</p>
+
+<p>We could not have done without you, said she, letting go one hand,
+with self-taught politeness, leading me up with the other.</p>
+
+<p>A lame youth, whom <i>Apollo</i> had recompensed with a pipe, and to
+which he had added a tabourin of his own accord, ran sweetly over the
+prelude, as he sat upon the bank&mdash;&mdash;Tie me up this tress
+instantly, said <i>Nannette</i>, putting a piece of string into my
+hand&mdash;It taught me to forget I was a stranger&mdash;&mdash;The
+whole knot fell down&mdash;&mdash;We had been seven years
+acquainted.</p>
+
+<p>The youth struck the note upon the tabourin&mdash;his pipe followed,
+and off we bounded&mdash;&mdash;“the duce take that slit!”</p>
+
+<p>The sister of the youth, who had stolen her voice from heaven, sung
+alternately with her brother&mdash;&mdash;’twas a <i>Gascoigne</i>
+roundelay.</p>
+
+<p class = "super smallroman">
+VIVA LA JOIA!<br />
+FIDON LA TRISTESSA!</p>
+
+<p>The nymphs join’d in unison, and their swains an octave below
+them&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>I would have given a crown to have it sew’d up&mdash;<i>Nannette</i>
+would not have given a <span class =
+"smallroman">SOUS</span>&mdash;<i>Viva la joia!</i> was in her
+lips&mdash;<i>Viva la joia!</i> was in her eyes. A&nbsp;transient spark
+of amity shot across the space betwixt us&mdash;&mdash;She look’d
+amiable!&mdash;&mdash;Why could I not live, and end my days thus? Just
+Disposer of our joys and sorrows, cried I, why could not a man sit down
+in the lap of content here&mdash;&mdash;and dance, and sing, and say his
+<ins class = "correction" title = "text has .">prayers,</ins> and go to
+heaven with this nut-brown maid? Capriciously did she bend her head on
+one side, and dance up insidious&mdash;&mdash;Then ’tis time to dance
+off, quoth I; so changing only partners and tunes, I&nbsp;danced it away
+from <i>Lunel</i> to <i>Montpellier</i>&mdash;&mdash;from thence to
+<i>Pesçnas</i>, <i>Beziers</i>&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;danced it along
+through <i>Narbonne</i>, <i>Carcasson</i>, and <i>Castle Naudairy</i>,
+till at last I danced myself into <i>Perdrillo’s</i> pavillion, where
+pulling out a paper of black lines, that I might go on straight
+forwards, without digression or parenthesis, in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+<span class = "locked">amours&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I begun thus&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class = "footnote">
+
+<p><a name = "note_7_1" id = "note_7_1" href = "#tag_7_1">1.</a>
+Vid. Book of French post roads, page 36, edition of 1762.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_7_2" id = "note_7_2" href = "#tag_7_2">2.</a>
+Chief Magistrate in Toulouse, &amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_7_3" id = "note_7_3" href = "#tag_7_3">3.</a>
+Non orbis gentem, non urbem gens habet ullam</p>
+<p><img src = "images/onedash.gif" width = "95" height = "12"
+alt = "----" /> ulla parem.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_7_4" id = "note_7_4" href = "#tag_7_4">4.</a>
+The same Don <i>Pringello</i>, the celebrated <i>Spanish</i> architect,
+of whom my cousin <i>Antony</i> has made such honourable mention in a
+scholium to the Tale inscribed to his name.&mdash;Vid. p. 129, small
+edit.</p>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page395" id = "page395">395</a></span>
+<h3><a name = "bookVIII" id = "bookVIII">BOOK VIII</a></h3>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapI" id = "bookVIII_chapI">
+CHAPTER I</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">But</span>
+softly&mdash;&mdash;for in these sportive plains, and under this genial
+sun, where at this instant all flesh is running out piping, fiddling,
+and dancing to the vintage, and every step that’s taken, the judgment is
+surprised by the imagination, I&nbsp;defy, notwithstanding all that has
+been said upon <i>straight lines</i><a class = "tag" name = "tag_8_1" id
+= "tag_8_1" href = "#note_8_1">1</a> in sundry pages of my
+book&mdash;I&nbsp;defy the best cabbage planter that ever existed,
+whether he plants backwards or forwards, it makes little difference in
+the account (except that he will have more to answer for in the one case
+than in the other)&mdash;I&nbsp;defy him to go on coolly, critically,
+and canonically, planting his cabbages one by one, in straight lines,
+and stoical distances, especially if slits in petticoats are unsew’d
+up&mdash;without ever and anon straddling out, or sidling into some
+bastardly digression&mdash;&mdash;In <i>Freeze-land</i>,
+<i>Fog-land</i>, and some other lands I wot of&mdash;it may be <span
+class = "locked">done&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>But in this clear climate of fantasy and perspiration, where every
+idea, sensible and insensible, gets vent&mdash;in this land, my dear
+<i>Eugenius</i>&mdash;in this fertile land of chivalry and romance,
+where I now sit, unskrewing my ink-horn to write my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+amours, and with all the meanders of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Julia’s</span> track in quest of her <span class =
+"smallcaps">Diego</span>, in full view of my study window&mdash;if thou
+comest not and takest me by the <span class =
+"locked">hand&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>What a work it is likely to turn out!</p>
+
+<p>Let us begin it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapII" id = "bookVIII_chapII">
+CHAPTER II</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> is with <span class =
+"smallroman">LOVE</span> as with <span class =
+"smallroman">CUCKOLDOM</span>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>But now I am talking of beginning a book, and have long had a thing
+upon my mind to be imparted to the reader, which, if not imparted now,
+can never be imparted to him as long as I live (whereas the <span class
+= "smallroman">COMPARISON</span> may be imparted to him any hour
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page396" id = "page396">396</a></span>
+in the day)&mdash;&mdash;I’ll just mention it, and begin in good
+earnest.</p>
+
+<p>The thing is this.</p>
+
+<p>That of all the several ways of beginning a book which are now in
+practice throughout the known world, I&nbsp;am confident my own way of
+doing it is the best&mdash;&mdash;I’m sure it is the most
+religious&mdash;&mdash;for I begin with writing the first
+sentence&mdash;&mdash;and trusting to Almighty God for the second.</p>
+
+<p>’Twould cure an author for ever of the fuss and folly of opening his
+street-door, and calling in his neighbours and friends, and kinsfolk,
+with the devil and all his imps, with their hammers and engines,
+&amp;c., only to observe how one sentence of mine follows another, and
+how the plan follows the whole.</p>
+
+<p>I wish you saw me half starting out of my chair, with what
+confidence, as I grasp the elbow of it, I&nbsp;look
+up&mdash;&mdash;catching the idea, even sometimes before it half way
+reaches <span class = "locked">me&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I believe in my conscience I intercept many a thought which heaven
+intended for another man.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pope</i> and his Portrait<a class = "tag" name = "tag_8_2" id =
+"tag_8_2" href = "#note_8_2">2</a> are fools to me&mdash;&mdash;no
+martyr is ever so full of faith or fire&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;wish I could
+say of good works too&mdash;&mdash;but I have&nbsp;no</p>
+
+<p class = "super">
+Zeal or Anger&mdash;&mdash;or<br />
+Anger or Zeal&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>And till gods and men agree together to call it by the same
+name&mdash;&mdash;the errantest <span class =
+"smallcaps">Tartuffe</span>, in science&mdash;in politics&mdash;or in
+religion, shall never kindle a spark within me, or have a worse word, or
+a more unkind greeting, than what he will read in the next chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapIII" id = "bookVIII_chapIII">
+CHAPTER III</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Bonjour!&mdash;&mdash;good morrow!&mdash;&mdash;so you
+have got your cloak on betimes!&mdash;&mdash;but ’tis a cold morning,
+and you judge the matter rightly&mdash;&mdash;’tis better to be well
+mounted, than go o’ foot&mdash;&mdash;and obstructions in the glands are
+dangerous&mdash;&mdash;And how goes it with thy concubine&mdash;thy
+wife,&mdash;and thy little ones o’ both sides? and when did you hear
+from the old gentleman and lady&mdash;your sister, aunt, uncle, and
+cousins&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;hope they have got better of their colds,
+coughs, claps, toothaches, fevers, stranguries, sciaticas, swellings,
+and sore eyes.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;What a devil of an apothecary! to take so much
+blood&mdash;give such a vile
+purge&mdash;puke&mdash;poultice&mdash;plaister&mdash;night-draught&mdash;clyster&mdash;blister?&mdash;&mdash;And
+why so many grains of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page397" id = "page397">397</a></span>
+calomel? santa Maria! and such a dose of opium! periclitating, pardi!
+the whole family of ye, from head to tail&mdash;&mdash;By my great-aunt
+<i>Dinah’s</i> old black velvet mask! I&nbsp;think there was no occasion
+for&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Now this being a little bald about the chin, by frequently putting
+off and on, <i>before</i> she was got with child by the
+coachman&mdash;not one of our family would wear it after. To cover the
+<span class = "smallroman">MASK</span> afresh, was more than the mask
+was worth&mdash;&mdash;and to wear a mask which was bald, or which could
+be half seen through, was as bad as having no mask at <span class =
+"locked">all&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>This is the reason, may it please your reverences, that in all our
+numerous family, for these four generations, we count no more than one
+archbishop, a&nbsp;<i>Welch</i> judge, some three or four aldermen, and
+a single <span class = "locked">mountebank&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>In the sixteenth century, we boast of no less than a dozen
+alchymists.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapIV" id = "bookVIII_chapIV">
+CHAPTER IV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>“<span class = "firstword">It</span> is with Love as with
+Cuckoldom”&mdash;&mdash;the suffering party is at least the
+<i>third</i>, but generally the last in the house who knows anything
+about the matter: this comes, as all the world knows, from having half a
+dozen words for one thing; and so long, as what in this vessel of the
+human frame, is <i>Love</i>&mdash;may be <i>Hatred</i>, in
+that&mdash;&mdash;<i>Sentiment</i> half a yard higher&mdash;&mdash;and
+<i>Nonsense</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;no, Madam,&mdash;not
+there&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;mean at the part I am now pointing to with my
+forefinger&mdash;&mdash;how can we help ourselves?</p>
+
+<p>Of all mortal, and immortal men too, if you please, who ever
+soliloquized upon this mystic subject, my uncle <i>Toby</i> was the
+worst fitted, to have push’d his researches, thro’ such a contention of
+feelings; and he had infallibly let them all run on, as we do worse
+matters, to see what they would turn out&mdash;&mdash;had not
+<i>Bridget’s</i> pre-notification of them to <i>Susannah</i>, and
+<i>Susannah’s</i> repeated manifestoes thereupon to all the world, made
+it necessary for my uncle <i>Toby</i> to look into the affair.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapV" id = "bookVIII_chapV">
+CHAPTER V</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Why</span> weavers, gardeners, and
+gladiators&mdash;or a man with a pined leg (proceeding from some ailment
+in the <i>foot</i>)&mdash;should ever have had some tender nymph
+breaking her heart in secret
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page398" id = "page398">398</a></span>
+for them, are points well and duly settled and accounted for by ancient
+and modern physiologists.</p>
+
+<p>A water-drinker, provided he is a profess’d one, and does it without
+fraud or covin, is precisely in the same predicament: not that, at first
+sight, there is any consequence, or show of logic in it, “That a rill of
+cold water dribbling through my inward parts, should light up a torch in
+my <i>Jenny’s</i>&mdash;”</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The proposition does not strike one; on the contrary,
+it seems to run opposite to the natural workings of causes and <span
+class = "locked">effects&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>But it shews the weakness and imbecility of human reason.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;“And in perfect good health with it?”</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;The most perfect,&mdash;Madam, that friendship herself could
+wish <span class = "locked">me&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“And drink nothing!&mdash;nothing but water?”</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Impetuous fluid! the moment thou pressest against the
+flood-gates of the brain&mdash;&mdash;see how they give <span class =
+"locked">way!&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>In swims <span class = "smallcaps">Curiosity</span>, beckoning to her
+damsels to follow&mdash;they dive into the centre of the <span class =
+"locked">current&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p><span class = "smallcaps">Fancy</span> sits musing upon the bank, and
+with her eyes following the stream, turns straws and bulrushes into
+masts and bowsprits&mdash;&mdash;And <span class =
+"smallcaps">Desire</span>, with vest held up to the knee in one hand,
+snatches at them, as they swim by her with the <span class =
+"locked">other&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>O ye water-drinkers! is it then by this delusive fountain, that ye
+have so often governed and turn’d this world about like a
+mill-wheel&mdash;grinding the faces of the impotent&mdash;bepowdering
+their ribs&mdash;bepeppering their noses, and changing sometimes even
+the very frame and face of <span class =
+"locked">nature&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>If I was you, quoth <i>Yorick</i>, I would drink more water,
+<i>Eugenius</i>&mdash;And, if I was you, <i>Yorick</i>, replied
+<i>Eugenius</i>, so would&nbsp;I.</p>
+
+<p>Which shews they had both read <i>Longinus</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>For my own part, I am resolved never to read any book but my own, as
+long as I live.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapVI" id = "bookVIII_chapVI">
+CHAPTER VI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I wish</span> my uncle <i>Toby</i> had been
+a water-drinker; for then the thing had been accounted for, That the
+first moment Widow <i>Wadman</i> saw him, she felt something stirring
+within her in his favour&mdash;Something!&mdash;something.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Something perhaps more than friendship&mdash;less than
+love&mdash;something&mdash;no
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page399" id = "page399">399</a></span>
+matter what&mdash;no matter where&mdash;I would not give a single hair
+off my mule’s tail, and be obliged to pluck it off myself (indeed the
+villain has not many to spare, and is not a little vicious into the
+bargain), to be let by your worships into the <span class =
+"locked">secret&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>But the truth is, my uncle <i>Toby</i> was not a water-drinker; he
+drank it neither pure nor mix’d, or any how, or any where, except
+fortuitously upon some advanced posts, where better liquor was not to be
+had&mdash;&mdash;or during the time he was under cure; when the surgeon
+telling him it would extend the fibres, and bring them sooner into
+contact&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> drank it for quietness
+sake.</p>
+
+<p>Now as all the world knows, that no effect in nature can be produced
+without a cause, and as it is as well known, that my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+was neither a weaver&mdash;a&nbsp;gardener, or a
+gladiator&mdash;&mdash;unless as a captain, you will needs have him
+one&mdash;but then he was only a captain of foot&mdash;and besides, the
+whole is an equivocation&mdash;&mdash;There is nothing left for us to
+suppose, but that my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> leg&mdash;&mdash;but that will
+avail us little in the present hypothesis, unless it had proceeded from
+some ailment <i>in the foot</i>&mdash;whereas his leg was not emaciated
+from any disorder in his foot&mdash;for my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> leg was
+not emaciated at all. It was a little stiff and awkward, from a total
+disuse of it, for the three years he lay confined at my father’s house
+in town; but it was plump and muscular, and in all other respects as
+good and promising a leg as the other.</p>
+
+<p>I declare, I do not recollect any one opinion or passage of my life,
+where my understanding was more at a loss to make ends meet, and torture
+the chapter I had been writing, to the service of the chapter following
+it, than in the present case: one would think I took a pleasure in
+running into difficulties of this kind, merely to make fresh experiments
+of getting out of ’em&mdash;&mdash;Inconsiderate soul that thou art!
+What! are not the unavoidable distresses with which, as an author and a
+man, thou art hemm’d in on every side of thee&mdash;&mdash;are they,
+<i>Tristram</i>, not sufficient, but thou must entangle thyself still
+more?</p>
+
+<p>Is it not enough that thou art in debt, and that thou hast ten
+cart-loads of thy fifth and sixth volumes<a class = "tag" name =
+"tag_8_3" id = "tag_8_3" href = "#note_8_3">3</a> still&mdash;still
+unsold, and art almost at thy wit’s ends, how to get them off thy
+hands?</p>
+
+<p>To this hour art thou not tormented with the vile asthma that thou
+gattest in skating against the wind in <i>Flanders?</i> and is it but
+two months ago, that in a fit of laughter, on seeing a
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page400" id = "page400">400</a></span>
+cardinal make water like a quirister (with both hands) thou brakest a
+vessel in thy lungs, whereby, in two hours, thou lost as many quarts of
+blood; and hadst thou lost as much more, did not the faculty tell
+thee&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;it would have amounted to a <span class =
+"locked">gallon?&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapVII" id = "bookVIII_chapVII">
+CHAPTER VII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">But</span> for heaven’s sake,
+let us not talk of quarts or gallons&mdash;&mdash;let us take the story
+straight before us; it is so nice and intricate a one, it will scarce
+bear the transposition of a single tittle; and, somehow or other, you
+have got me thrust almost into the middle of <span class =
+"locked">it&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;I beg we may take more care.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapVIII" id = "bookVIII_chapVIII">
+CHAPTER VIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> uncle <i>Toby</i> and the
+corporal had posted down with so much heat and precipitation, to take
+possession of the spot of ground we have so often spoke of, in order to
+open their campaign as early as the rest of the allies; that they had
+forgot one of the most necessary articles of the whole affair; it was
+neither a pioneer’s spade, a&nbsp;pickax, or a <span class =
+"locked">shovel&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;It was a bed to lie on: so that as <i>Shandy-Hall</i> was at
+that time unfurnished; and the little inn where poor <i>Le Fever</i>
+died, not yet built; my uncle <i>Toby</i> was constrained to accept of a
+bed at Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i>, for a night or two, till corporal
+<i>Trim</i> (who to the character of an excellent valet, groom, cook,
+sempster, surgeon, and engineer, superadded that of an excellent
+upholsterer too), with the help of a carpenter and a couple of taylors,
+constructed one in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> house.</p>
+
+<p>A daughter of <i>Eve</i>, for such was widow <i>Wadman</i>, and ’tis
+all the character I intend to give of <span class =
+"locked">her&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;“<i>That she was a perfect woman</i>&mdash;” had better be
+fifty leagues off&mdash;or in her warm bed&mdash;or playing with a
+case-knife&mdash;or anything you please&mdash;than make a man the object
+of her attention, when the house and all the furniture is her own.</p>
+
+<p>There is nothing in it out of doors and in broad day-light, where a
+woman has a power, physically speaking, of viewing a man in more lights
+than one&mdash;but here, for her soul, she can see him in no light
+without mixing something of her own goods and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page401" id = "page401">401</a></span>
+chattels along with him&mdash;&mdash;till by reiterated acts of such
+combination, he gets foisted into her <span class =
+"locked">inventory&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;And then good night.</p>
+
+<p>But this is not matter of <span class = "smallcaps">System</span>;
+for I have delivered that above&mdash;&mdash;nor is it matter of <span
+class = "smallcaps">Breviary</span>&mdash;&mdash;for I make no man’s
+creed but my own&mdash;&mdash;nor matter of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Fact</span>&mdash;&mdash;at least that I know of; but ’tis
+matter copulative and introductory to what follows.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapIX" id = "bookVIII_chapIX">
+CHAPTER IX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I do</span> not speak it with regard to the
+coarseness or cleanness of them&mdash;or the strength of their
+gussets&mdash;&mdash;but pray do not night-shifts differ from day-shifts
+as much in this particular, as in anything else in the world; That they
+so far exceed the others in length, that when you are laid down in them,
+they fall almost as much below the feet, as the day-shifts fall short of
+them?</p>
+
+<p>Widow <i>Wadman’s</i> night-shifts (as was the mode I suppose in King
+<i>William’s</i> and Queen <i>Anne’s</i> reigns) were cut however after
+this fashion; and if the fashion is changed (for in <i>Italy</i> they
+are come to nothing)&mdash;&mdash;so much the worse for the public; they
+were two <i>Flemish</i> ells and a half in length; so that allowing a
+moderate woman two ells, she had half an ell to spare, to do what she
+would with.</p>
+
+<p>Now from one little indulgence gained after another, in the many
+bleak and decemberly nights of a seven years widowhood, things had
+insensibly come to this pass, and for the two last years had got
+establish’d into one of the ordinances of the bed-chamber&mdash;That as
+soon as Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> was put to bed, and had got her legs
+stretched down to the bottom of it, of which she always gave
+<i>Bridget</i> notice&mdash;<i>Bridget</i>, with all suitable decorum,
+having first open’d the bed-cloaths at the feet, took hold of the
+half-ell of cloth we are speaking of, and having gently, and with both
+her hands, drawn it downwards to its furthest extension, and then
+contracted it again side-long by four or five even plaits, she took a
+large corking pin out of her sleeve, and with the point directed towards
+her, pinn’d the plaits all fast together a little above the hem; which
+done, she tuck’d all in tight at the feet, and wish’d her mistress a
+good night.</p>
+
+<p>This was constant, and without any other variation than this; that on
+shivering and tempestuous nights, when <i>Bridget</i> untuck’d the feet
+of the bed, &amp;c., to do this&mdash;&mdash;she consulted no
+thermometer but that of her own passions; and so performed it
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page402" id = "page402">402</a></span>
+standing&mdash;kneeling&mdash;or squatting, according to the different
+degrees of faith, hope, and charity, she was in, and bore towards her
+mistress that night. In every other respect, the <i>etiquette</i> was
+sacred, and might have vied with the most mechanical one of the most
+inflexible bed-chamber in <i>Christendom</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The first night, as soon as the corporal had conducted my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> upstairs, which was about ten&mdash;&mdash;Mrs.
+<i>Wadman</i> threw herself into her arm-chair, and crossing her left
+knee with her right, which formed a resting-place for her elbow, she
+reclin’d her cheek upon the palm of her hand, and leaning forwards
+ruminated till midnight upon both sides of the question.</p>
+
+<p>The second night she went to her bureau, and having ordered
+<i>Bridget</i> to bring her up a couple of fresh candles and leave them
+upon the table, she took out her marriage-settlement, and read it over
+with great devotion: and the third night (which was the last of my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> stay) when <i>Bridget</i> had pull’d down the night-shift,
+and was assaying to stick in the corking <span class =
+"locked">pin&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;With a kick of both heels at once, but at the same time
+the most natural kick that could be kick’d in her
+situation&mdash;&mdash;for supposing &nbsp;* &nbsp; * &nbsp; * &nbsp; *
+&nbsp; * &nbsp; * &nbsp; * &nbsp; * &nbsp; *&nbsp; to be the sun in its
+<ins class = "correction" title = "text reads ‘meridan’">meridian</ins>,
+it was a north-east kick&mdash;&mdash;she kick’d the pin out of her
+fingers&mdash;&mdash;the <i>etiquette</i> which hung upon it,
+down&mdash;&mdash;down it fell to the ground, and was shiver’d into a
+thousand atoms.</p>
+
+<p>From all which it was plain that widow <i>Wadman</i> was in love with
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapX" id = "bookVIII_chapX">
+CHAPTER X</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> uncle <i>Toby’s</i> head at that
+time was full of other matters, so that it was not till the demolition
+of <i>Dunkirk</i>, when all the other civilities of <i>Europe</i> were
+settled, that he found leisure to return this.</p>
+
+<p>This made an armistice (that is, speaking with regard to my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;but with respect to Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>,
+a&nbsp;vacancy)&mdash;of almost eleven years. But in all cases of this
+nature, as it is the second blow, happen at what distance of time it
+will, which makes the fray&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;chuse for that reason to
+call these the amours of my uncle <i>Toby</i> with Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>,
+rather than the amours of Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> with my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>This is not a distinction without a difference.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page403" id = "page403">403</a></span>
+<p>It is not like the affair of <i>an old hat
+cock’d</i>&mdash;&mdash;and <i>a cock’d old hat</i>, about which your
+reverences have so often been at odds with one another&mdash;&mdash;but
+there is a difference here in the nature of <span class =
+"locked">things&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>And let me tell you, gentry, a wide one too.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXI" id = "bookVIII_chapXI">
+CHAPTER XI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Now</span> as widow <i>Wadman</i> did love
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;and my uncle <i>Toby</i> did not love
+widow <i>Wadman</i>, there was nothing for widow <i>Wadman</i> to do,
+but to go on and love my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;or let it
+alone.</p>
+
+<p>Widow <i>Wadman</i> would do neither the one or the other.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Gracious heaven!&mdash;&mdash;but I forget I am a
+little of her temper myself; for whenever it so falls out, which it
+sometimes does about the equinoxes, that an earthly goddess is so much
+this, and that, and t’other, that I cannot eat my breakfast for
+her&mdash;&mdash;and that she careth not three halfpence whether I eat
+my breakfast or <span class = "locked">no&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Curse on her! and so I send her to <i>Tartary</i>, and
+from <i>Tartary</i> to <i>Terra del <ins class = "correction" title =
+"spelling unchanged">Fuogo</ins></i>, and so on to the devil: in short,
+there is not an infernal nitch where I do not take her divinityship and
+stick&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>But as the heart is tender, and the passions in these tides ebb and
+flow ten times in a minute, I&nbsp;instantly bring her back again; and
+as I do all things in extremes, I&nbsp;place her in the very centre of
+the <span class = "locked">milky-way&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Brightest of stars! thou wilt shed thy influence upon some
+one&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The duce take her and her influence
+too&mdash;&mdash;for at that word I lose all patience&mdash;&mdash;much
+good may it do him!&mdash;&mdash;By all that is hirsute and gashly!
+I&nbsp;cry, taking off my furr’d cap, and twisting it round my
+finger&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;would not give sixpence for a dozen such!</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But ’tis an excellent cap too (putting it upon my head,
+and pressing it close to my ears)&mdash;and warm&mdash;and soft;
+especially if you stroke it the right way&mdash;but alas! that will
+never be my luck&mdash;&mdash;(so&nbsp;here my philosophy is shipwreck’d
+again).</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;No; I shall never have a finger in the pye (so here I
+break my metaphor)&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Crust and Crumb</p>
+
+<p>Inside and out</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page404" id = "page404">404</a></span>
+<p>Top and bottom&mdash;&mdash;I detest it, I hate it, I repudiate
+it&mdash;&mdash;I’m sick at the sight of <span class =
+"locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>’Tis all pepper,</p>
+<p><span class = "invisible">’Tis all </span>garlick,</p>
+<p><span class = "invisible">’Tis all </span>staragen,</p>
+<p><span class = "invisible">’Tis all </span>salt, and</p>
+<p><span class = "invisible">’Tis all </span>devil’s
+dung&mdash;&mdash;by the great arch-cook of cooks, who does nothing,
+I&nbsp;think, from morning to night, but sit down by the fire-side and
+invent inflammatory dishes for us, I&nbsp;would not touch it for the
+world&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<i>O Tristram! Tristram!</i> cried <i>Jenny</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>O Jenny! Jenny!</i> replied I, and so went on with the twelfth
+chapter.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXII" id = "bookVIII_chapXII">
+CHAPTER XII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;“Not touch it for the world,” did I
+say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Lord, how I have heated my imagination with this metaphor!</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXIII" id = "bookVIII_chapXIII">
+CHAPTER XIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Which</span> shows, let your reverences and
+worships say what you will of it (for as for
+<i>thinking</i>&mdash;&mdash;all who do think&mdash;think pretty much
+alike both upon it and other matters)&mdash;&mdash;Love is certainly, at
+least alphabetically speaking, one of the most</p>
+
+<table class = "inline" summary = "aligned text">
+<tr>
+<td>A</td><td>gitating</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>B</td><td>ewitching</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>C</td><td>onfounded</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>D</td><td>evilish affairs of life&mdash;the most</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>E</td><td>xtravagant</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>F</td><td>utilitous</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>G</td><td>alligaskinish</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>H</td><td>andy-dandyish</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>I</td><td>racundulous (there is no K to it) and</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>L</td><td>yrical of all human passions: at the same time, the
+most</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>M&nbsp;</td><td>isgiving</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>N</td><td>innyhammering</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>O</td><td>bstipating</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>P</td><td>ragmatical</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>S</td><td>tridulous</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>R&nbsp; idiculous&mdash;though by the bye the R should have gone
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page405" id = "page405">405</a></span>
+first&mdash;But in short ’tis of such a nature, as my father once told
+my uncle <i>Toby</i> upon the close of a long dissertation upon the
+subject&mdash;&mdash;“You can scarce,” said he, “combine two ideas
+together upon it, brother <i>Toby</i>, without an
+hypallage”&mdash;&mdash;What’s that? cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The cart before the horse, replied my father&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And what is he to do there? cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Nothing, quoth my father, but to get in&mdash;&mdash;or let it
+alone.</p>
+
+<p>Now widow <i>Wadman</i>, as I told you before, would do neither the
+one or the other.</p>
+
+<p>She stood however ready harnessed and caparisoned at all points, to
+watch accidents.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXIV" id = "bookVIII_chapXIV">
+CHAPTER XIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> Fates, who certainly all
+foreknew of these amours of widow <i>Wadman</i> and my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, had, from the first creation of matter and motion (and with
+more courtesy than they usually do things of this kind), established
+such a chain of causes and effects hanging so fast to one another, that
+it was scarce possible for my uncle <i>Toby</i> to have dwelt in any
+other house in the world, or to have occupied any other garden in
+<i>Christendom</i>, but the very house and garden which join’d and laid
+parallel to Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i>; this, with the advantage of a thickset
+arbour in Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i> garden, but planted in the hedge-row of
+my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>, put all the occasions into her hands which
+Love-militancy wanted; she could observe my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> motions,
+and was mistress likewise of his councils of war; and as his
+unsuspecting heart had given leave to the corporal, through the
+mediation of <i>Bridget</i>, to make her a wicker-gate of communication
+to enlarge her walks, it enabled her to carry on her approaches to the
+very door of the sentry-box; and sometimes out of gratitude, to make an
+attack, and endeavour to blow my uncle <i>Toby</i> up in the very
+sentry-box itself.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXV" id = "bookVIII_chapXV">
+CHAPTER XV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> is a great pity&mdash;&mdash;but
+’tis certain from every day’s observation of man, that he may be set on
+fire like a candle, at either end&mdash;provided there is a sufficient
+wick standing out; if there is not&mdash;there’s an end of the affair;
+and if there is&mdash;by lighting
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page406" id = "page406">406</a></span>
+it at the bottom, as the flame in that case has the misfortune generally
+to put out itself&mdash;there’s an end of the affair again.</p>
+
+<p>For my part, could I always have the ordering of it which way I would
+be burnt myself&mdash;for I cannot bear the thoughts of being burnt like
+a beast&mdash;I&nbsp;would oblige a housewife constantly to light me at
+the top; for then I should burn down decently to the socket; that is,
+from my head to my heart, from my heart to my liver, from my liver to my
+bowels, and so on by the meseraick veins and arteries, through all the
+turns and lateral insertions of the intestines and their tunicles to the
+blind <span class = "locked">gut&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I beseech you, doctor <i>Slop</i>, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, interrupting him as he mentioned the <i>blind gut</i>, in a
+discourse with my father the night my mother was brought to bed of
+me&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;beseech you, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, to tell
+me which is the blind gut; for, old as I am, I&nbsp;vow I do not know to
+this day where it lies.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>blind gut</i>, answered doctor <i>Slop</i>, lies betwixt the
+<i>Ilion</i> and <i>Colon</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>In a man? said my father.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis precisely the same, cried doctor <i>Slop</i>, in a
+woman.&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>That’s more than I know; quoth my father.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXVI" id = "bookVIII_chapXVI">
+CHAPTER XVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">And</span> so to make sure of
+both systems, Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> predetermined to light my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> neither at this end or that; but, like a prodigal’s candle,
+to light him, if possible, at both ends at once.</p>
+
+<p>Now, through all the lumber rooms of military furniture, including
+both of horse and foot, from the great arsenal of <i>Venice</i> to the
+<i>Tower</i> of <i>London</i> (exclusive), if Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> had
+been rummaging for seven years together, and with <i>Bridget</i> to help
+her, she could not have found any one <i>blind</i> or <i>mantelet</i> so
+fit for her purpose, as that which the expediency of my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> affairs had fix’d up ready to her hands.</p>
+
+<p>I believe I have not told you&mdash;&mdash;but I don’t
+know&mdash;&mdash;possibly I have&mdash;&mdash;be it as it will, ’tis
+one of the number of those many things, which a man had better do over
+again, than dispute about it&mdash;That whatever town or fortress the
+corporal was at work upon, during the course of their campaign, my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> always took care, on the inside of his sentry-box, which was
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page407" id = "page407">407</a></span>
+towards his left hand, to have a plan of the place, fasten’d up with two
+or three pins at the top, but loose at the bottom, for the conveniency
+of holding it up to the eye, &amp;c. .&nbsp;.&nbsp;. as occasions
+required; so that when an attack was resolved upon, Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>
+had nothing more to do, when she had got advanced to the door of the
+sentry-box, but to extend her right hand; and edging in her left foot at
+the same movement, to take hold of the map or plan, or upright, or
+whatever it was, and with out-stretched neck meeting it half
+way,&mdash;to advance it towards her; on which my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+passions were sure to catch fire&mdash;&mdash;for he would instantly
+take hold of the other corner of the map in his left hand, and with the
+end of his pipe in the other, begin an explanation.</p>
+
+<p>When the attack was advanced to this point;&mdash;&mdash;the world
+will naturally enter into the reasons of Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i> next
+stroke of generalship&mdash;&mdash;which was, to take my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> tobacco-pipe out of his hand as soon as she possibly
+could; which, under one pretence or other, but generally that of
+pointing more distinctly at some redoubt or breastwork in the map, she
+would effect before my uncle <i>Toby</i> (poor soul!) had well march’d
+above half a dozen toises with&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;It obliged my uncle <i>Toby</i> to make use of his
+forefinger.</p>
+
+<p>The difference it made in the attack was this; That in going upon it,
+as in the first case, with the end of her forefinger against the end of
+my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> tobacco-pipe, she might have travelled with it,
+along the lines, from <i>Dan</i> to <i>Beersheba</i>, had my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> lines reach’d so far, without any effect: For as there was
+no arterial or vital heat in the end of the tobacco-pipe, it could
+excite no sentiment&mdash;&mdash;it could neither give fire by
+pulsation&mdash;&mdash;or receive it by sympathy&mdash;&mdash;’twas
+nothing but smoke.</p>
+
+<p>Whereas, in following my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> forefinger with hers,
+close thro’ all the little turns and indentings of his
+works&mdash;pressing sometimes against the side of it&mdash;&mdash;then
+treading upon its nail&mdash;&mdash;then tripping it
+up&mdash;&mdash;then touching it here&mdash;&mdash;then there, and so
+on&mdash;&mdash;it set something at least in motion.</p>
+
+<p>This, tho’ slight skirmishing, and at a distance from the main body,
+yet drew on the rest; for here, the map usually falling with the back of
+it, close to the side of the sentry-box, my uncle <i>Toby</i>, in the
+simplicity of his soul, would lay his hand flat upon it, in order to go
+on with his explanation; and Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>, by a manœuvre as quick
+as thought, would as certainly place her’s close beside it; this at once
+opened a communication,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page408" id = "page408">408</a></span>
+large enough for any sentiment to pass or repass, which a person skill’d
+in the elementary and practical part of love-making, has occasion <span
+class = "locked">for&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>By bringing up her forefinger parallel (as before) to my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i>&mdash;&mdash;it unavoidably brought the thumb into
+action&mdash;&mdash;and the forefinger and thumb being once engaged, as
+naturally brought in the whole hand. Thine, dear uncle <i>Toby!</i> was
+never now in its right place&mdash;&mdash;Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> had it ever
+to take up, or, with the gentlest pushings, protrusions, and equivocal
+compressions, that a hand to be removed is capable of
+receiving&mdash;&mdash;to get it press’d a hair breadth of one side out
+of her way.</p>
+
+<p>Whilst this was doing, how could she forget to make him sensible,
+that it was her leg (and no one’s else) at the bottom of the sentry-box,
+which slightly press’d against the calf of his&mdash;&mdash;So that my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> being thus attacked and sore push’d on both his
+wings&mdash;&mdash;was it a wonder, if now and then, it put his centre
+into <span class = "locked">disorder?&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The duce take it! said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXVII" id = "bookVIII_chapXVII">
+CHAPTER XVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">These</span> attacks of Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>,
+you will readily conceive to be of different kinds; varying from each
+other, like the attacks which history is full of, and from the same
+reasons. A&nbsp;general looker-on would scarce allow them to be attacks
+at all&mdash;&mdash;or if he did, would confound them all
+together&mdash;&mdash;but I write not to them: it will be time enough to
+be a little more exact in my descriptions of them, as I come up to them,
+which will not be for some chapters; having nothing more to add in this,
+but that in a bundle of original papers and drawings which my father
+took care to roll up by themselves, there is a plan of <i>Bouchain</i>
+in perfect preservation (and shall be kept so, whilst I have power to
+preserve anything), upon the lower corner of which, on the right hand
+side, there is still remaining the marks of a snuffy finger and thumb,
+which there is all the reason in the world to imagine, were Mrs.
+<i>Wadman’s</i>; for the opposite side of the margin, which I suppose to
+have been my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>, is absolutely clean: This seems an
+authenticated record of one of these attacks; for there are vestigia of
+the two punctures partly grown up, but still visible on the opposite
+corner of the map, which are unquestionably the very holes, through
+which it has been pricked up in the <span class =
+"locked">sentry-box&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page409" id = "page409">409</a></span>
+<p>By all that is priestly! I value this precious relick, with its
+<i>stigmata</i> and <i>pricks</i>, more than all the relicks of the
+<i>Romish</i> church&mdash;&mdash;always excepting, when I am writing
+upon these matters, the pricks which entered the flesh of St.
+<i>Radagunda</i> in the desert, which in your road from <span class =
+"smallcaps">Fesse</span> to <span class = "smallcaps">Cluny</span>, the
+nuns of that name will shew you for love.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXVIII" id = "bookVIII_chapXVIII">
+CHAPTER XVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I think</span>, an’ please your honour,
+quoth <i>Trim</i>, the fortifications are quite
+destroyed&mdash;&mdash;and the bason is upon a level with the
+mole&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;think so too; replied my uncle <i>Toby</i> with
+a sigh half suppress’d&mdash;&mdash;but step into the parlour,
+<i>Trim</i>, for the stipulation&mdash;&mdash;it lies upon the
+table.</p>
+
+<p>It has lain there these six weeks, replied the corporal, till this
+very morning that the old woman kindled the fire with <span class =
+"locked">it&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Then, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, there is no further
+occasion for our services. The more, an’ please your honour, the pity,
+said the corporal; in uttering which he cast his spade into the
+wheel-barrow, which was beside him, with an air the most expressive of
+disconsolation that can be imagined, and was heavily turning about to
+look for his pickax, his pioneer’s shovel, his picquets, and other
+little military stores, in order to carry them off the
+field&mdash;&mdash;when a heigh-ho! from the sentry-box, which being
+made of thin slit deal, reverberated the sound more sorrowfully to his
+ear, forbad him.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;No; said the corporal to himself, I’ll do it before his
+honour rises to-morrow morning; so taking his spade out of the
+wheel-barrow again, with a little earth in it, as if to level something
+at the foot of the glacis&mdash;&mdash;but with a real intent to
+approach nearer to his master, in order to divert him&mdash;&mdash;he
+loosen’d a sod or two&mdash;&mdash;pared their edges with his spade, and
+having given them a gentle blow or two with the back of it, he sat
+himself down close by my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> feet, and began as
+follows.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXIX" id = "bookVIII_chapXIX">
+CHAPTER XIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> was a thousand
+pities&mdash;&mdash;though I believe, an’ please your honour, I&nbsp;am
+going to say but a foolish kind of a thing for a <span class =
+"locked">soldier&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page410" id = "page410">410</a></span>
+<p>A soldier, cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>, interrupting the corporal, is
+no more exempt from saying a foolish thing, <i>Trim</i>, than a man of
+letters&mdash;&mdash;But not so often, an’ please your honour, replied
+the corporal&mdash;&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i> gave a nod.</p>
+
+<p>It was a thousand pities then, said the corporal, casting his eye
+upon <i>Dunkirk</i>, and the mole, as <i>Servius Sulpicius</i>, in
+returning out of <i>Asia</i> (when he sailed from <i>Ægina</i> towards
+<i>Megara</i>), did upon <i>Corinth</i> and <span class =
+"locked"><i>Pyreus</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;“It was a thousand pities, an’ please your honour, to destroy
+these works&mdash;&mdash;and a thousand pities to have let them <span
+class = "locked">stood.”&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Thou art right, <i>Trim</i>, in both cases; said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;This, continued the corporal, is the
+reason, that from the beginning of their demolition to the
+end&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have never once whistled, or sung, or laugh’d,
+or cry’d, or talk’d of past done deeds, or told your honour one story
+good or <span class = "locked">bad&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Thou hast many excellencies, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, and I hold it not the least of them, as thou happenest to
+be a story-teller, that of the number thou hast told me, either to amuse
+me in my painful hours, or divert me in my grave ones&mdash;thou hast
+seldom told me a bad <span class = "locked">one&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Because, an’ please your honour, except one of a
+<i>King of Bohemia and his seven castles</i>,&mdash;they are all true;
+for they are about <span class =
+"locked">myself&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I do not like the subject the worse, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, on that score: But prithee what is this story? thou hast
+excited my curiosity.</p>
+
+<p>I’ll tell it your honour, quoth the corporal,
+directly&mdash;Provided, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, looking earnestly
+towards <i>Dunkirk</i> and the mole again&mdash;&mdash;provided it is
+not a merry one; to such, <i>Trim</i>, a&nbsp;man should ever bring one
+half of the entertainment along with him; and the disposition I am in at
+present would wrong both thee, <i>Trim</i>, and thy
+story&mdash;&mdash;It is not a merry one by any means, replied the
+corporal&mdash;Nor would I have it altogether a grave one, added my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;It is neither the one nor the other,
+replied the corporal, but will suit your honour
+exactly&mdash;&mdash;Then I’ll thank thee for it with all my heart,
+cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>; so prithee begin it, <i>Trim</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal made his reverence; and though it is not so easy a
+matter as the world imagines, to pull off a lank <i>Montero</i>-cap with
+grace&mdash;&mdash;or a whit less difficult, in my conceptions, when a
+man is sitting squat upon the ground, to make a bow so teeming with
+respect as the corporal was wont; yet by suffering the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page411" id = "page411">411</a></span>
+palm of his right hand, which was towards his master, to slip backwards
+upon the grass, a&nbsp;little beyond his body, in order to allow it the
+greater sweep&mdash;&mdash;and by an unforced compression, at the same
+time, of his cap with the thumb and the two forefingers of his left, by
+which the diameter of the cap became reduced, so that it might be said,
+rather to be insensibly squeez’d&mdash;than pull’d off with a
+flatus&mdash;&mdash;the corporal acquitted himself of both in a better
+manner than the posture of his affairs promised; and having hemmed
+twice, to find in what key his story would best go, and best suit his
+master’s humour,&mdash;he exchanged a single look of kindness with him,
+and set off thus.</p>
+
+
+<h5><a name = "bookVIII_bohemia" id = "bookVIII_bohemia">
+THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES</a></h5>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">There</span> was a certain king of Bo - -
+he&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>As the corporal was entering the confines of <i>Bohemia</i>, my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> obliged him to halt for a single moment; he had set out
+bare-headed, having, since he pull’d off his <i>Montero</i>-cap in the
+latter end of the last chapter, left it lying beside him on the
+ground.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The eye of Goodness espieth all things&mdash;&mdash;so
+that before the corporal had well got through the first five words of
+his story, had my uncle <i>Toby</i> twice touch’d his <i>Montero</i>-cap
+with the end of his cane, interrogatively&mdash;&mdash;as much as to
+say, Why don’t you put it on, <i>Trim?</i> <i>Trim</i> took it up with
+the most respectful slowness, and casting a glance of humiliation as he
+did it, upon the embroidery of the fore-part, which being dismally
+tarnish’d and fray’d moreover in some of the principal leaves and
+boldest parts of the pattern, he lay’d it down again between his two
+feet, in order to moralise upon the subject.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis every word of it but too true, cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, that thou art about to <span class =
+"locked">observe&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“<i>Nothing in this world, Trim, is made to last for ever.</i>”</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But when tokens, dear <i>Tom</i>, of thy love and
+remembrance wear out, said <i>Trim</i>, what shall we say?</p>
+
+<p>There is no occasion, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, to say
+anything else; and was a man to puzzle his brains till Doom’s day,
+I&nbsp;believe, <i>Trim</i>, it would be impossible.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal, perceiving my uncle <i>Toby</i> was in the right, and
+that it would be in vain for the wit of man to think of extracting a
+purer moral from his cap, without further attempting it, he put it on;
+and passing his hand across his forehead to rub out
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page412" id = "page412">412</a></span>
+a pensive wrinkle, which the text and the doctrine between them had
+engender’d, he return’d, with the same look and tone of voice, to his
+story of the king of <i>Bohemia</i> and his seven castles.</p>
+
+
+<h5>THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES,
+CONTINUED</h5>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">There</span> was a certain king of
+<i>Bohemia</i>, but in whose reign, except his own, I&nbsp;am not able
+to inform your <span class = "locked">honour&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I do not desire it of thee, <i>Trim</i>, by any means, cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It was a little before the time, an’ please your
+honour, when giants were beginning to leave off breeding:&mdash;but in
+what year of our Lord that <span class =
+"locked">was&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I would not give a halfpenny to know, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Only, an’ please your honour, it makes a story look the
+better in the <span class = "locked">face&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis thy own, <i>Trim</i>, so ornament it after thy own
+fashion; and take any date, continued my uncle <i>Toby</i>, looking
+pleasantly upon him&mdash;take any date in the whole world thou chusest,
+and put it to&mdash;thou art heartily <span class =
+"locked">welcome&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The corporal bowed; for of every century, and of every year of that
+century, from the first creation of the world down to <i>Noah’s</i>
+flood; and from <i>Noah’s</i> flood to the birth of <i>Abraham</i>;
+through all the pilgrimages of the patriarchs, to the departure of the
+<i>Israelites</i> out of <i>Egypt</i>&mdash;&mdash;and throughout all
+the Dynasties, Olympiads, Urbeconditas, and other memorable epochas of
+the different nations of the world, down to the coming of Christ, and
+from thence to the very moment in which the corporal was telling his
+story&mdash;&mdash;had my uncle <i>Toby</i> subjected this vast empire
+of time and all its abysses at his feet; but as <span class =
+"smallroman">MODESTY</span> scarce touches with a finger what <span
+class = "smallroman">LIBERALITY</span> offers her with both hands
+open&mdash;the corporal contented himself with the very <i>worst
+year</i> of the whole bunch; which, to prevent your honours of the
+Majority and Minority from tearing the very flesh off your bones in
+contestation, ‘Whether that year is not always the last cast-year of the
+last cast-almanack’&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;tell you plainly it was; but
+from a different reason than you wot <span class =
+"locked">of&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It was the year next him&mdash;&mdash;which being, the
+year of our Lord seventeen hundred and twelve, when the Duke of
+<i>Ormond</i> was playing the devil in <i>Flanders</i>&mdash;&mdash;the
+corporal took it, and set out with it afresh on his expedition to
+<i>Bohemia</i>.</p>
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page413" id = "page413">413</a></span>
+
+<h5>THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES,
+CONTINUED</h5>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">In</span> the year of our Lord one thousand
+seven hundred and twelve, there was, an’ please your <span class =
+"locked">honour&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;To tell thee truly, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, any other date would have pleased me much better, not only
+on account of the sad stain upon our history that year, in marching off
+our troops, and refusing to cover the siege of <i>Quesnoi</i>, though
+<i>Fagel</i> was carrying on the works with such incredible
+vigour&mdash;but likewise on the score, <i>Trim</i>, of thy own story;
+because if there are&mdash;and which, from what thou hast dropt,
+I&nbsp;partly suspect to be the fact&mdash;if there are giants in <span
+class = "locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>There is but one, an’ please your honour&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis as bad as twenty, replied my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;thou should’st have carried him back some seven
+or eight hundred years out of harm’s way, both of critics and other
+people: and therefore I would advise thee, if ever thou tellest it <span
+class = "locked">again&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;If I live, an’ please your honour, but once to get
+through it, I&nbsp;will never tell it again, quoth <i>Trim</i>, either
+to man, woman, or child&mdash;&mdash;Poo&mdash;poo! said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;but with accents of such sweet encouragement did he
+utter it, that the corporal went on with his story with more alacrity
+than ever.</p>
+
+
+<h5>THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES,
+CONTINUED</h5>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">There</span> was, an’ please your honour,
+said the corporal, raising his voice and rubbing the palms of his two
+hands cheerily together as he begun, a&nbsp;certain king of <span class
+= "locked"><i>Bohemia</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Leave out the date entirely, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, leaning forwards, and laying his hand gently upon the
+corporal’s shoulder to temper the interruption&mdash;leave it out
+entirely, <i>Trim</i>; a&nbsp;story passes very well without these
+niceties, unless one is pretty sure of ’em&mdash;&mdash;Sure of ’em!
+said the corporal, shaking his <span class =
+"locked">head&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Right; answered my uncle <i>Toby</i>, it is not easy, <i>Trim</i>,
+for one, bred up as thou and I have been to arms, who seldom looks
+further forward than to the end of his musket, or backwards beyond his
+knapsack, to know much about this matter&mdash;&mdash;God bless your
+honour! said the corporal, won by the <i>manner</i> of my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> reasoning, as much as by the reasoning itself, he
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page414" id = "page414">414</a></span>
+has something else to do; if not on action, or a march, or upon duty in
+his garrison&mdash;he has his firelock, an’ please your honour, to
+furbish&mdash;his accoutrements to take care of&mdash;his regimentals to
+mend&mdash;himself to shave and keep clean, so as to appear always like
+what he is upon the parade; what business, added the corporal
+triumphantly, has a soldier, an’ please your honour, to know anything at
+all of <i>geography?</i></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Thou would’st have said <i>chronology</i>, <i>Trim</i>,
+said my uncle <i>Toby</i>; for as for geography, ’tis of absolute use to
+him; he must be acquainted intimately with every country and its
+boundaries where his profession carries him; he should know every town
+and city, and village and hamlet, with the canals, the roads, and hollow
+ways which lead up to them; there is not a river or a rivulet he passes,
+<i>Trim</i>, but he should be able at first sight to tell thee what is
+its name&mdash;in what mountains it takes its rise&mdash;what is its
+course&mdash;how far it is navigable&mdash;where fordable&mdash;where
+not; he should know the fertility of every valley, as well as the hind
+who ploughs it; and be able to describe, or, if it is required, to give
+thee an exact map of all the plains and defiles, the forts, the
+acclivities, the woods and morasses, thro’ and by which his army is to
+march; he should know their produce, their plants, their minerals, their
+waters, their animals, their seasons, their climates, their heats and
+cold, their inhabitants, their customs, their language, their policy,
+and even their religion.</p>
+
+<p>Is it else to be conceived, corporal, continued my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+rising up in his sentry-box, as he began to warm in this part of his
+discourse&mdash;how <i>Marlborough</i> could have marched his army from
+the banks of the <i>Maes</i> to <i>Belburg</i>; from <i>Belburg</i> to
+<i>Kerpenord</i>&mdash;(here the corporal could sit no longer) from
+<i>Kerpenord</i>, <i>Trim</i>, to <i>Kalsaken</i>; from <i>Kalsaken</i>
+to <i>Newdorf</i>; from <i>Newdorf</i> to <i>Landenbourg</i>; from
+<i>Landenbourg</i> to <i>Mildenheim</i>; from <i>Mildenheim</i> to
+<i>Elchingen</i>; from <i>Elchingen</i> to <i>Gingen</i>; from
+<i>Gingen</i> to <i>Balmerchoffen</i>; from <i>Balmerchoffen</i> to
+<i>Skellenburg</i>, where he broke in upon the enemy’s works; forced his
+passage over the <i>Danube</i>; cross’d the <i>Lech</i>&mdash;push’d on
+his troops into the heart of the empire, marching at the head of them
+through <i>Fribourg</i>, <i>Hokenwert</i>, and <i>Schonevelt</i>, to the
+plains of <i>Blenheim</i> and <i>Hochstet?</i>&mdash;&mdash;Great as he
+was, corporal, he could not have advanced a step, or made one single
+day’s march without the aids of <i>Geography</i>.&mdash;&mdash;As for
+<i>Chronology</i>, I&nbsp;own, <i>Trim</i>, continued my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, sitting down again coolly in his sentry-box, that of all
+others, it seems a science which the soldier might
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page415" id = "page415">415</a></span>
+best spare, was it not for the lights which that science must one day
+give him, in determining the invention of powder; the furious execution
+of which, renversing everything like thunder before it, has become a new
+ĂŚra to us of military improvements, changing so totally the nature of
+attacks and defences both by sea and land, and awakening so much art and
+skill in doing it, that the world cannot be too exact in ascertaining
+the precise time of its discovery, or too inquisitive in knowing what
+great man was the discoverer, and what occasions gave birth
+to&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>I am far from controverting, continued my uncle <i>Toby</i>, what
+historians agree in, that in the year of our Lord 1380, under the reign
+of <i>Wencelaus</i>, son of <i>Charles</i> the
+Fourth&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;certain priest, whose name was
+<i>Schwartz</i>, show’d the use of powder to the <i>Venetians</i>, in
+their wars against the <i>Genoese</i>; but ’tis certain he was not the
+first; because if we are to believe Don <i>Pedro</i>, the bishop of
+<i>Leon</i>&mdash;How came priests and bishops, an’ please your honour,
+to trouble their heads so much about gunpowder? God knows, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;his providence brings good out of
+everything&mdash;and he avers, in his chronicle of King
+<i>Alphonsus</i>, who reduced <i>Toledo</i>, That in the year 1343,
+which was full thirty-seven years before that time, the secret of powder
+was well known, and employed with success, both by Moors and Christians,
+not only in their sea-combats, at that period, but in many of their most
+memorable sieges in <i>Spain</i> and <i>Barbary</i>&mdash;And all the
+world knows, that Friar <i>Bacon</i> had wrote expressly about it, and
+had generously given the world a receipt to make it by, above a hundred
+and fifty years before even <i>Schwartz</i> was born&mdash;And that the
+<i>Chinese</i>, added my uncle <i>Toby</i>, embarrass us, and all
+accounts of it, still more, by boasting of the invention some hundreds
+of years even before <span class = "locked">him&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;They are a pack of liars, I believe, cried
+<i>Trim</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;They are somehow or other deceived, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, in this matter, as is plain to me from the present
+miserable state of military architecture amongst them; which consists of
+nothing more than a fossĂŠ with a brick wall without flanks&mdash;and for
+what they gave us as a bastion at each angle of it, ’tis so barbarously
+constructed, that it looks for all the
+world&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Like one of my seven
+castles, an’ please your honour, quoth <i>Trim</i>.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i>, tho’ in the utmost distress for a comparison,
+most courteously refused <i>Trim’s</i> offer&mdash;till <i>Trim</i>
+telling him, he had half a dozen more in <i>Bohemia</i>, which he knew
+not how to get off his hands&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> was so
+touch’d with the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page416" id = "page416">416</a></span>
+pleasantry of heart of the corporal&mdash;&mdash;that he discontinued
+his dissertation upon gunpowder&mdash;&mdash;and begged the corporal
+forthwith to go on with his story of the King of <i>Bohemia</i> and his
+seven castles.</p>
+
+
+<h5>THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES,
+CONTINUED</h5>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">This</span> <i>unfortunate</i> King of
+<i>Bohemia</i>, said <i>Trim</i>,&mdash;&mdash;Was he unfortunate, then?
+cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>, for he had been so wrapt up in his
+dissertation upon gunpowder, and other military affairs, that tho’ he
+had desired the corporal to go on, yet the many interruptions he had
+given, dwelt not so strong upon his fancy as to account for the
+epithet&mdash;&mdash;Was he <i>unfortunate</i>, then, <i>Trim?</i> said
+my uncle <i>Toby</i>, pathetically&mdash;&mdash;The corporal, wishing
+first the <i>word</i> and all its synonimas at the devil, forthwith
+began to run back in his mind, the principal events in the King of
+<i>Bohemia’s</i> story; from every one of which, it appearing that he
+was the most fortunate man that ever existed in the
+world&mdash;&mdash;it put the corporal to a stand: for not caring to
+retract his epithet&mdash;&mdash;and less to explain it&mdash;&mdash;and
+least of all, to twist his tale (like men of lore) to serve a
+system&mdash;&mdash;he looked up in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> face for
+assistance&mdash;&mdash;but seeing it was the very thing my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> sat in expectation of himself&mdash;&mdash;after a hum and a
+haw, he went <span class = "locked">on&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The King of <i>Bohemia</i>, an’ please your honour, replied the
+corporal, was <i>unfortunate</i>, as thus&mdash;&mdash;That taking great
+pleasure and delight in navigation and all sort of sea
+affairs&mdash;&mdash;and there <i>happening</i> throughout the whole
+kingdom of <i>Bohemia</i>, to be no seaport town <span class =
+"locked">whatever&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>How the duce should there&mdash;<i>Trim?</i> cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>; for <i>Bohemia</i> being totally inland, it could have
+happen’d no otherwise&mdash;&mdash;It might, said <i>Trim</i>, if it had
+pleased <span class = "locked">God&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> never spoke of the being and natural attributes
+of God, but with diffidence and <span class =
+"locked">hesitation&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I believe not, replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>, after some
+pause&mdash;&mdash;for being inland, as I said, and having
+<i>Silesia</i> and <i>Moravia</i> to the east; <i>Lusatia</i> and
+<i>Upper Saxony</i> to the north; <i>Franconia</i> to the west;
+<i>Bavaria</i> to the south; <i>Bohemia</i> could not have been
+propell’d to the sea without ceasing to be
+<i>Bohemia</i>&mdash;&mdash;nor could the sea, on the other hand, have
+come up to <i>Bohemia</i>, without overflowing a great part of
+<i>Germany</i>, and destroying millions of unfortunate inhabitants who
+could make no defence
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page417" id = "page417">417</a></span>
+against it&mdash;&mdash;Scandalous! cried <i>Trim</i>&mdash;Which would
+bespeak, added my uncle <i>Toby</i>, mildly, such a want of compassion
+in him who is the father of it&mdash;&mdash;that, I&nbsp;think,
+<i>Trim</i>&mdash;&mdash;the thing could have happen’d no way.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal made the bow of unfeigned conviction; and went on.</p>
+
+<p>Now the King of <i>Bohemia</i> with his queen and courtiers
+<i>happening</i> one fine summer’s evening to walk out&mdash;&mdash;Aye!
+there the word <i>happening</i> is right, <i>Trim</i>, cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>; for the King of <i>Bohemia</i> and his queen might have
+walk’d out or let it alone:&mdash;&mdash;’twas a matter of contingency,
+which might happen, or not, just as chance ordered&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>King <i>William</i> was of an opinion, an’ please your honour, quoth
+<i>Trim</i>, that everything was predestined for us in this world;
+insomuch, that he would often say to his soldiers, that “every ball had
+its billet.” He was a great man, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;And I believe, continued <i>Trim</i>, to this
+day, that the shot which disabled me at the battle of <i>Landen</i>, was
+pointed at my knee for no other purpose, but to take me out of his
+service, and place me in your honour’s, where I should be taken so much
+better care of in my old age&mdash;&mdash;It shall never, <i>Trim</i>,
+be construed otherwise, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The heart, both of the master and the man, were alike subject to
+sudden overflowings;&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;short silence ensued.</p>
+
+<p>Besides, said the corporal, resuming the discourse&mdash;but in a
+gayer accent&mdash;&mdash;if it had not been for that single shot,
+I&nbsp;had never, an’ please your honour, been in <span class =
+"locked">love&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>So, thou wast once in love, <i>Trim!</i> said my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+smiling&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Souse! replied the corporal&mdash;over head and ears! an’ please your
+honour. Prithee when? where?&mdash;and how came it to
+pass?&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;never heard one word of it before; quoth my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>:&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;dare say, answered <i>Trim</i>,
+that every drummer and serjeant’s son in the regiment knew of
+it&mdash;&mdash;It’s high time I should&mdash;&mdash;said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Your honour remembers with concern, said the corporal, the total rout
+and confusion of our camp and army at the affair of <i>Landen</i>; every
+one was left to shift for himself; and if it had not been for the
+regiments of <i>Wyndham</i>, <i>Lumley</i>, and <i>Galway</i>, which
+covered the retreat over the bridge of <i>Neerspeeken</i>, the king
+himself could scarce have gained it&mdash;&mdash;he was press’d hard, as
+your honour knows, on every side of <span class =
+"locked">him&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Gallant mortal! cried my uncle <i>Toby</i>, caught up with
+enthusiasm&mdash;this
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page418" id = "page418">418</a></span>
+moment, now that all is lost, I&nbsp;see him galloping across me,
+corporal, to the left, to bring up the remains of the English horse
+along with him to support the right, and tear the laurel from
+<i>Luxembourg’s</i> brows, if yet ’tis possible&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;see
+him with the knot of his scarfe just shot off, infusing fresh spirits
+into poor <i>Galway’s</i> regiment&mdash;riding along the
+line&mdash;then wheeling about, and charging <i>Conti</i> at the head of
+it&mdash;&mdash;Brave! brave, by heaven! cried my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;he deserves a crown&mdash;&mdash;As richly, as a thief
+a halter; shouted <i>Trim</i>.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> knew the corporal’s loyalty;&mdash;otherwise the
+comparison was not at all to his mind&mdash;&mdash;it did not altogether
+strike the corporal’s fancy when he had made it&mdash;&mdash;but it
+could not be recall’d&mdash;&mdash;so he had nothing to do, but
+proceed.</p>
+
+<p>As the number of wounded was prodigious, and no one had time to think
+of anything but his own safety&mdash;Though <i>Talmash</i>, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, brought off the foot with great
+prudence&mdash;&mdash;But I was left upon the field, said the corporal.
+Thou wast so; poor fellow! replied my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;So
+that it was noon the next day, continued the corporal, before I was
+exchanged, and put into a cart with thirteen or fourteen more, in order
+to be convey’d to our hospital.</p>
+
+<p>There is no part of the body, an’ please your honour, where a wound
+occasions more intolerable anguish than upon the <span class =
+"locked">knee&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Except the groin; said my uncle <i>Toby</i>. An’ please your honour,
+replied the corporal, the knee, in my opinion, must certainly be the
+most acute, there being so many tendons and what-d’ye-call-’ems all
+about&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>It is for that reason, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, that the groin is
+infinitely more sensible&mdash;&mdash;there being not only as many
+tendons and what-d’ye-call-’ems (for I know their names as little as
+thou dost)&mdash;&mdash;about it&mdash;&mdash;but moreover <span class =
+"locked">*&nbsp;*&nbsp;*&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>, who had been all the time in her
+arbour&mdash;instantly stopp’d her breath&mdash;unpinn’d her mob at the
+chin, and stood up upon one <span class =
+"locked">leg&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The dispute was maintained with amicable and equal force betwixt my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> and <i>Trim</i> for some time; till <i>Trim</i> at
+length recollecting that he had often cried at his master’s sufferings,
+but never shed a tear at his own&mdash;was for giving up the point,
+which my uncle <i>Toby</i> would not allow&mdash;&mdash;’Tis a proof of
+nothing, <i>Trim</i>, said he, but the generosity of thy <span class =
+"locked">temper&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>So that whether the pain of a wound in the groin (cĂŚteris paribus) is
+greater than the pain of a wound in the knee&mdash;&mdash;or</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page419" id = "page419">419</a></span>
+<p>Whether the pain of a wound in the knee is not greater than the pain
+of a wound in the groin&mdash;&mdash;are points which to this day remain
+unsettled.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXX" id = "bookVIII_chapXX">
+CHAPTER XX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> anguish of my knee, continued
+the corporal, was excessive in itself; and the uneasiness of the cart,
+with the roughness of the roads, which were terribly cut up&mdash;making
+bad still worse&mdash;every step was death to me: so that with the loss
+of blood, and the want of care-taking of me, and a fever I felt coming
+on besides&mdash;&mdash;(Poor soul! said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>)&mdash;&mdash;all together, an’ please your honour, was more
+than I could sustain.</p>
+
+<p>I was telling my sufferings to a young woman at a peasant’s house,
+where our cart, which was the last of the line, had halted; they had
+help’d me in, and the young woman had taken a cordial out of her pocket
+and dropp’d it upon some sugar, and seeing it had cheer’d me, she had
+given it me a second and a third time&mdash;&mdash;So I was telling her,
+an’ please your honour, the anguish I was in, and was saying it was so
+intolerable to me, that I had much rather lie down upon the bed, turning
+my face towards one which was in the corner of the room&mdash;and die,
+than go on&mdash;&mdash;when, upon her attempting to lead me to it,
+I&nbsp;fainted away in her arms. She was a good soul! as your honour,
+said the corporal, wiping his eyes, will hear.</p>
+
+<p>I thought <i>love</i> had been a joyous thing, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis the most serious thing, an’ please your honour (sometimes), that
+is in the world.</p>
+
+<p>By the persuasion of the young woman, continued the corporal, the
+cart with the wounded men set off without me: she had assured them I
+should expire immediately if I was put into the cart. So when I came to
+myself&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;found myself in a still quiet cottage, with
+no one but the young woman, and the peasant and his wife. I&nbsp;was
+laid across the bed in the corner of the room, with my wounded leg upon
+a chair, and the young woman beside me, holding the corner of her
+handkerchief dipp’d in vinegar to my nose with one hand, and rubbing my
+temples with the other.</p>
+
+<p>I took her at first for the daughter of the peasant (for it was no
+inn)&mdash;so had offer’d her a little purse with eighteen florins,
+which my poor brother <i>Tom</i> (here <i>Trim</i> wip’d his eyes) had
+sent me as a token, by a recruit, just before he set out for <span class
+= "locked"><i>Lisbon</i>.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page420" id = "page420">420</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I never told your honour that piteous story
+yet&mdash;&mdash;here <i>Trim</i> wiped his eyes a third time.</p>
+
+<p>The young woman call’d the old man and his wife into the room, to
+show them the money, in order to gain me credit for a bed and what
+little necessaries I should want, till I should be in a condition to be
+got to the hospital&mdash;&mdash;Come then! said she, tying up the
+little purse&mdash;I’ll be your banker&mdash;but as that office alone
+will not keep me employ’d, I’ll be your nurse too.</p>
+
+<p>I thought by her manner of speaking this, as well as by her dress,
+which I then began to consider more attentively&mdash;&mdash;that the
+young woman could not be the daughter of the peasant.</p>
+
+<p>She was in black down to her toes, with her hair conceal’d under a
+cambric border, laid close to her forehead: she was one of those kind of
+nuns, an’ please your honour, of which, your honour knows, there are a
+good many in <i>Flanders</i>, which they let go loose&mdash;&mdash;By
+thy description, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, I&nbsp;dare say
+she was a young <i>Beguine</i>, of which there are none to be found
+anywhere but in the <i>Spanish Netherlands</i>&mdash;except at
+<i>Amsterdam</i>&mdash;&mdash;they differ from nuns in this, that they
+can quit their cloister if they choose to marry; they visit and take
+care of the sick by profession&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;had rather, for my
+own part, they did it out of good-nature.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;She often told me, quoth <i>Trim</i>, she did it for
+the love of Christ&mdash;I&nbsp;did not like
+it.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;believe, <i>Trim</i>, we are both wrong, said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;we’ll ask Mr. <i>Yorick</i> about it to-night at
+my brother <i>Shandy’s</i>&mdash;&mdash;so put me in mind; added my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The young <i>Beguine</i>, continued the corporal, had scarce given
+herself time to tell me “she would be my nurse,” when she hastily turned
+about to begin the office of one, and prepare something for
+me&mdash;&mdash;and in a short time&mdash;though I thought it a long
+one&mdash;she came back with flannels, &amp;c. &amp;c., and having
+fomented my knee soundly for a couple of hours, &amp;c., and made me a
+thin bason of gruel for my supper&mdash;she wish’d me rest, and promised
+to be with me early in the morning.&mdash;&mdash;She wished me, an’
+please your honour, what was not to be had. My fever ran very high that
+night&mdash;her figure made sad disturbance within me&mdash;I&nbsp;was
+every moment cutting the world in two&mdash;to give her half of
+it&mdash;and every moment was I crying, That I had nothing but a
+knapsack and eighteen florins to share with her&mdash;&mdash;The whole
+night long was the fair <i>Beguine</i>, like an angel, close by my
+bedside, holding back the curtain and offering me cordials&mdash;and I
+was only awakened from my dream by her
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page421" id = "page421">421</a></span>
+coming there at the hour promised, and giving them in reality. In truth,
+she was scarce ever from me; and so accustomed was I to receive life
+from her hands, that my heart sickened, and I lost colour when she left
+the room: and yet, continued the corporal (making one of the strangest
+reflections upon it in the <span class =
+"locked">world)&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;“<i>It was not love</i>”&mdash;&mdash;for during the
+three weeks she was almost constantly with me, fomenting my knee with
+her hand, night and day&mdash;I&nbsp;can honestly say, an’ please your
+honour&mdash;that
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </span>*
+&emsp;once.</p>
+
+<p>That was very odd, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I think so too&mdash;said Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>.</p>
+
+<p>It never did, said the corporal.</p>
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXI" id = "bookVIII_chapXXI">
+CHAPTER XXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">But</span> ’tis no marvel,
+continued the corporal&mdash;seeing my uncle <i>Toby</i> musing upon
+it&mdash;for Love, an’ please your honour, is exactly like war, in this;
+that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete o’
+<i>Saturday</i> night,&mdash;may nevertheless be shot through his heart
+on <i>Sunday</i> morning&mdash;&mdash;<i>It happened so here</i>, an’
+please your honour, with this difference only&mdash;that it was on
+<i>Sunday</i> in the afternoon, when I fell in love all at once with a
+sisserara&mdash;&mdash;It burst upon me, an’ please your honour, like a
+bomb&mdash;&mdash;scarce giving me time to say, “God bless&nbsp;me.”</p>
+
+<p>I thought, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, a man never fell
+in love so very suddenly.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, an’ please your honour, if he is in the way of
+it&mdash;&mdash;replied <i>Trim</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I prithee, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, inform me how this matter
+happened.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;With all pleasure, said the corporal, making a bow.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXII" id = "bookVIII_chapXXII">
+CHAPTER XXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I had</span> escaped, continued the
+corporal, all that time from falling in love, and had gone on to the end
+of the chapter, had it not been predestined otherwise&mdash;&mdash;there
+is no resisting our fate.</p>
+
+<p>It was on a <i>Sunday</i>, in the afternoon, as I told your
+honour.</p>
+
+<p>The old man and his wife had walked out&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page422" id = "page422">422</a></span>
+<p>Everything was still and hush as midnight about the
+house&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>There was not so much as a duck or a duckling about the
+yard&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;When the fair <i>Beguine</i> came in to see me.</p>
+
+<p>My wound was then in a fair way of doing well&mdash;&mdash;the
+inflammation had been gone off for some time, but it was succeeded with
+an itching both above and below my knee, so insufferable, that I had not
+shut my eyes the whole night for&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>Let me see it, said she, kneeling down upon the ground parallel to my
+knee, and laying her hand upon the part below it&mdash;&mdash;it only
+wants rubbing a little, said the <i>Beguine</i>; so covering it with the
+bed-clothes, she began with the forefinger of her right hand to rub
+under my knee, guiding her forefinger backwards and forwards by the edge
+of the <i>flannel</i> which kept on the dressing.</p>
+
+<p>In five or six minutes I felt slightly the end of her second
+finger&mdash;and presently it was laid flat with the other, and she
+continued rubbing in that way round and round for a good while; it then
+came into my head, that I should fall in love&mdash;I&nbsp;blush’d when
+I saw how white a hand she had&mdash;I&nbsp;shall never<ins class =
+"correction" title = "comma missing at line-end">,&nbsp;</ins>an’ please
+your honour, behold another hand so white whilst I <span class =
+"locked">live&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Not in that place; said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Though it was the most serious despair in nature to the
+corporal&mdash;he could not forbear smiling.</p>
+
+<p>The young <i>Beguine</i>, continued the corporal, perceiving it was
+of great service to me&mdash;from rubbing for some time, with two
+fingers&mdash;proceeded to rub at length, with three&mdash;till by
+little and little she brought down the fourth, and then rubb’d with her
+whole hand: I&nbsp;will never say another word, an’ please your honour,
+upon hands again&mdash;but it was softer than <span class =
+"locked">sattin&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Prithee, <i>Trim</i>, commend it as much as thou wilt,
+said my uncle <i>Toby</i>; I&nbsp;shall hear thy story with the more
+delight&mdash;&mdash;The corporal thank’d his master most unfeignedly;
+but having nothing to say upon the <i>Beguine’s</i> hand but the same
+over again&mdash;&mdash;he proceeded to the effects of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>The fair <i>Beguine</i>, said the corporal, continued rubbing with
+her whole hand under my knee&mdash;till I fear’d her zeal would weary
+her&mdash;&mdash;“I&nbsp;would do a thousand times more,” said she, “for
+the love of Christ”&mdash;&mdash;In saying which, she pass’d her hand
+across the flannel, to the part above my knee, which I had equally
+complain’d of, and rubb’d it also.</p>
+
+<p>I perceived, then, I was beginning to be in love&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page423" id = "page423">423</a></span>
+<p>As she continued rub-rub-rubbing&mdash;I felt it spread from under
+her hand, an’ please your honour, to every part of my <span class =
+"locked">frame.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The more she rubb’d, and the longer strokes she took&mdash;&mdash;the
+more the fire kindled in my veins&mdash;&mdash;till at length, by two or
+three strokes longer than the rest&mdash;&mdash;my passion rose to the
+highest pitch&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;seiz’d her <span class =
+"locked">hand&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And then thou clapped’st it to thy lips, <i>Trim</i>,
+said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;and madest a speech.</p>
+
+<p>Whether the corporal’s amour terminated precisely in the way my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> described it, is not material; it is enough that it
+contained in it the essence of all the love romances which ever have
+been wrote since the beginning of the world.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXIII" id = "bookVIII_chapXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> soon as the corporal had finished
+the story of his amour&mdash;or rather my uncle <i>Toby</i> for
+him&mdash;Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> silently sallied forth from her arbour,
+replaced the pin in her mob, pass’d the wicker-gate, and advanced slowly
+towards my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> sentry-box: the disposition which
+<i>Trim</i> had made in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> mind, was too favourable
+a crisis to be let <span class =
+"locked">slipp’d&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The attack was determin’d upon: it was facilitated
+still more by my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> having ordered the corporal to
+wheel off the pioneer’s shovel, the spade, the pick-axe, the picquets,
+and other military stores which lay scatter’d upon the ground where
+<i>Dunkirk</i> stood&mdash;the corporal had march’d&mdash;the field was
+clear.</p>
+
+<p>Now, consider, sir, what nonsense it is, either in fighting, or
+writing, or anything else (whether in rhyme to it, or not) which a man
+has occasion to do&mdash;to act by plan: for if ever Plan, independent
+of all circumstances, deserved registering in letters of gold
+(I&nbsp;mean in the archives of <i>Gotham</i>)&mdash;it was certainly
+the <span class = "smallcaps">Plan</span> of Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i> attack
+of my uncle <i>Toby</i> in his sentry-box, <span class = "smallcaps">by
+Plan</span>&mdash;&mdash;Now the plan hanging up in it at this juncture,
+being the Plan of <i>Dunkirk</i>&mdash;and the tale of <i>Dunkirk</i> a
+tale of relaxation, it opposed every impression she could make: and
+besides, could she have gone upon it&mdash;the manœuvre of fingers and
+hands in the attack of the sentry-box, was so outdone by that of the
+fair <i>Beguine’s</i>, in <i>Trim’s</i> story&mdash;that just then, that
+particular attack, however successful before&mdash;became the most
+heartless attack that could be <span class =
+"locked">made&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page424" id = "page424">424</a></span>
+<p>O! let woman alone for this. Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> had scarce open’d the
+wicket-gate, when her genius sported with the change of
+circumstances.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;She formed a new attack in a moment.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXIV" id = "bookVIII_chapXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I am half distracted, captain <i>Shandy</i>, said Mrs.
+<i>Wadman</i>, holding up her cambrick handkerchief to her left eye, as
+she approach’d the door of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+sentry-box&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;mote&mdash;&mdash;or sand&mdash;&mdash;or
+something&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;know not what, has got into this eye of
+mine&mdash;&mdash;do look into it&mdash;it is not in the <span class =
+"locked">white&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>In saying which, Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> edged herself close in beside my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>, and squeezing herself down upon the corner of his
+bench, she gave him an opportunity of doing it without rising
+up&mdash;&mdash;Do look into it&mdash;said she.</p>
+
+<p>Honest soul! thou didst look into it with as much innocency of heart,
+as ever child look’d into a raree-shew-box; and ’twere as much a sin to
+have hurt thee.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;If a man will be peeping of his own accord into things
+of that nature&mdash;&mdash;I’ve nothing to say to <span class =
+"locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> never did: and I will answer for him, that he
+would have sat quietly upon a sofa from <i>June</i> to <i>January</i>
+(which, you know, takes in both the hot and cold months), with an eye as
+fine as the <i>Thracian</i><a class = "tag" name = "tag_8_4" id =
+"tag_8_4" href = "#note_8_4">4</a> <i>Rodope’s</i> beside him, without
+being able to tell, whether it was a black or blue one.</p>
+
+<p>The difficulty was to get my uncle <i>Toby</i> to look at one at
+all.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis surmounted. And</p>
+
+<p>I see him yonder with his pipe pendulous in his hand, and the ashes
+falling out of it&mdash;looking&mdash;and looking&mdash;then rubbing his
+eyes&mdash;and looking again, with twice the good-nature that ever
+<i>Gallileo</i> look’d for a spot in the sun.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;In vain! for by all the powers which animate the
+organ&mdash;&mdash;Widow <i>Wadman’s</i> left eye shines this moment as
+lucid as her right&mdash;&mdash;there is neither mote, or sand, or dust,
+or chaff, or speck, or particle of opake matter floating in
+it&mdash;There is nothing, my dear paternal uncle! but one lambent
+delicious fire, furtively shooting out from every part of it, in all
+directions, into <span class = "locked">thine&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page425" id = "page425">425</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;If thou lookest, uncle <i>Toby</i>, in search of this
+mote one moment longer&mdash;&mdash;thou art undone.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXV" id = "bookVIII_chapXXV">
+CHAPTER XXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">An</span> eye is for all the world exactly
+like a cannon, in this respect; That it is not so much the eye or the
+cannon, in themselves, as it is the carriage of the eye&mdash;&mdash;and
+the carriage of the cannon, by which both the one and the other are
+enabled to do so much execution. I&nbsp;don’t think the comparison a bad
+one; However, as ’tis made and placed at the head of the chapter, as
+much for use as ornament, all I desire in return is, that whenever I
+speak of Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i> eyes (except once in the next period),
+that you keep it in your fancy.</p>
+
+<p>I protest, Madam, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, I can see nothing
+whatever in your eye.</p>
+
+<p>It is not in the white; said Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>: my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+look’d with might and main into the <span class =
+"locked">pupil&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Now of all the eyes which ever were created&mdash;&mdash;from your
+own, Madam, up to those of <i>Venus</i> herself, which certainly were as
+venereal a pair of eyes as ever stood in a head&mdash;&mdash;there never
+was an eye of them all, so fitted to rob my uncle <i>Toby</i> of his
+repose, as the very eye, at which he was looking&mdash;&mdash;it was
+not, Madam, a&nbsp;rolling eye&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;romping or a wanton
+one&mdash;nor was it an eye sparkling&mdash;petulant or
+imperious&mdash;of high claims and terrifying exactions, which would
+have curdled at once that milk of human nature, of which my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> was made up&mdash;&mdash;but ’twas an eye full of gentle
+salutations&mdash;&mdash;and soft
+responses&mdash;&mdash;speaking&mdash;&mdash;not like the trumpet stop
+of some ill-made organ, in which many an eye I talk to, holds coarse
+converse&mdash;&mdash;but whispering soft&mdash;&mdash;like the last low
+accent of an expiring saint&mdash;&mdash;“How can you live comfortless,
+captain <i>Shandy</i>, and alone, without a bosom to lean your head
+on&mdash;&mdash;or trust your cares&nbsp;to?”</p>
+
+<p>It was an eye&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>But I shall be in love with it myself, if I say another word about
+it.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It did my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> business.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page426" id = "page426">426</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXVI" id = "bookVIII_chapXXVI">
+CHAPTER XXVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">There</span> is nothing shews the character
+of my father and my uncle <i>Toby</i>, in a more entertaining light,
+than their different manner of deportment, under the same
+accident&mdash;&mdash;for I call not love a misfortune, from a
+persuasion, that a man’s heart is ever the better for
+it&mdash;&mdash;Great God! what must my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> have been,
+when ’twas all benignity without&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>My father, as appears from many of his papers, was very subject to
+this passion, before he married&mdash;&mdash;but from a little subacid
+kind of drollish impatience in his nature, whenever it befell him, he
+would never submit to it like a christian; but would pish, and huff, and
+bounce, and kick, and play the Devil, and write the bitterest
+Philippicks against the eye that ever man wrote&mdash;&mdash;there is
+one in verse upon somebody’s eye or other, that for two or three nights
+together, had put him by his rest; which in his first transport of
+resentment against it, he begins thus:</p>
+
+<div class = "verse">
+<p>“A Devil ’tis&mdash;&mdash;and mischief such doth work</p>
+<p>As never yet did <i>Pagan</i>, <i>Jew</i>, or <i>Turk</i>.”<a class =
+"tag" name = "tag_8_5" id = "tag_8_5" href = "#note_8_5">5</a></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>In short, during the whole paroxism, my father was all abuse and foul
+language, approaching rather towards malediction&mdash;&mdash;only he
+did not do it with as much method as <i>Ernulphus</i>&mdash;&mdash;he
+was too impetuous; nor with <i>Ernulphus’s</i> policy&mdash;&mdash;for
+tho’ my father, with the most intolerant spirit, would curse both this
+and that, and every thing under heaven, which was either aiding or
+abetting to his love&mdash;&mdash;yet never concluded his chapter of
+curses upon it, without cursing himself in at the bargain, as one of the
+most egregious fools and coxcombs, he would say, that ever was let loose
+in the world.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i>, on the contrary, took it like a
+lamb&mdash;&mdash;sat still and let the poison work in his veins without
+resistance&mdash;&mdash;in the sharpest exacerbations of his wound (like
+that on his groin) he never dropt one fretful or discontented
+word&mdash;&mdash;he blamed neither heaven nor earth&mdash;&mdash;or
+thought or spoke an injurious thing of any body, or any part of it; he
+sat solitary and pensive with his pipe&mdash;&mdash;looking at his lame
+leg&mdash;&mdash;then whiffing out a sentimental heigh ho! which mixing
+with the smoke, incommoded no one mortal.</p>
+
+<p>He took it like a lamb&mdash;&mdash;I say.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page427" id = "page427">427</a></span>
+<p>In truth he had mistook it at first; for having taken a ride with my
+father, that very morning, to save if possible a beautiful wood, which
+the dean and chapter were hewing down to give to the poor;<a class =
+"tag" name = "tag_8_6" id = "tag_8_6" href = "#note_8_6">6</a> which
+said wood being in full view of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> house, and of
+singular service to him in his description of the battle of
+<i>Wynnendale</i>&mdash;by trotting on too hastily to save
+it&mdash;&mdash;upon an uneasy saddle&mdash;&mdash;worse horse, &amp;c.
+&amp;c.&nbsp;.&nbsp;. it had so happened, that the serous part of the
+blood had got betwixt the two skins, in the nethermost part of my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;the first shootings of which (as&nbsp;my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> had no experience of love) he had taken for a part of the
+passion&mdash;till the blister breaking in the one case&mdash;and the
+other remaining&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> was presently convinced, that
+his wound was not a skin-deep wound&mdash;&mdash;but that it had gone to
+his heart.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXVII" id = "bookVIII_chapXXVII">
+CHAPTER XXVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> world is ashamed of being
+virtuous&mdash;&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i> knew little of the world; and
+therefore when he felt he was in love with widow <i>Wadman</i>, he had
+no conception that the thing was any more to be made a mystery of, than
+if Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> had given him a cut with a gap’d knife across his
+finger: Had it been otherwise&mdash;&mdash;yet as he ever look’d upon
+<i>Trim</i> as a humble friend; and saw fresh reasons every day of his
+life, to treat him as such&mdash;&mdash;it would have made no variation
+in the manner in which he informed him of the affair.</p>
+
+<p>“I am in love, corporal!” quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXVIII" id = "bookVIII_chapXXVIII">
+CHAPTER XXVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">In</span> love!&mdash;&mdash;said the
+corporal&mdash;your honour was very well the day before yesterday, when
+I was telling your honour the story of the King of
+<i>Bohemia</i>&mdash;<i>Bohemia!</i> said my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+-&nbsp;-&nbsp;-&nbsp;- musing a long time -&nbsp;-&nbsp;- What became of
+that story, <i>Trim?</i></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;We lost it, an’ please your honour, somehow betwixt
+us&mdash;but your honour was as free from love then, as I
+am&mdash;&mdash;’twas just whilst thou went’st off with the
+wheel-barrow&mdash;&mdash;with Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;She has left a ball here&mdash;added my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;pointing to his <span class =
+"locked">breast&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page428" id = "page428">428</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;She can no more, an’ please your honour, stand a siege,
+than she can fly&mdash;cried the <span class =
+"locked">corporal&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But as we are neighbours, <i>Trim</i>,&mdash;the best
+way I think is to let her know it civilly first&mdash;quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Now if I might presume, said the corporal, to differ from your
+honour&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Why else do I talk to thee, <i>Trim?</i> said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, <span class = "locked">mildly&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Then I would begin, an’ please your honour, with making a good
+thundering attack upon her, in return&mdash;and telling her civilly
+afterwards&mdash;for if she knows anything of your honour’s being in
+love, before hand&mdash;&mdash;L&mdash;d help her!&mdash;she knows no
+more at present of it, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;than
+the child <span class = "locked">unborn&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Precious souls!&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> had told it, with all its circumstances, to Mrs.
+<i>Bridget</i> twenty-four hours before; and was at that very moment
+sitting in council with her, touching some slight misgivings with regard
+to the issue of the affairs, which the Devil, who never lies dead in a
+ditch, had put into her head&mdash;before he would allow half time, to
+get quietly through her <i>Te Deum</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I am terribly afraid, said widow <i>Wadman</i>, in case I should
+marry him, <i>Bridget</i>&mdash;that the poor captain will not enjoy his
+health, with the monstrous wound upon his <span class =
+"locked">groin&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>It may not, Madam, be so very large, replied <i>Bridget</i>, as you
+think&mdash;&mdash;and I believe, besides, added she&mdash;that ’tis
+dried <span class = "locked">up&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I could like to know&mdash;merely for his sake, said
+Mrs. <span class = "locked"><i>Wadman</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;We’ll know the long and the broad of it, in ten
+days&mdash;answered Mrs. <i>Bridget</i>, for whilst the captain is
+paying his addresses to you&mdash;I’m confident Mr. <i>Trim</i> will be
+for making love to me&mdash;and I’ll let him as much as he
+will&mdash;added <i>Bridget</i>&mdash;to get it all out of <span class =
+"locked">him&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The measures were taken at once&mdash;&mdash;and my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+and the corporal went on with theirs.</p>
+
+<p>Now, quoth the corporal, setting his left hand a-kimbo, and giving
+such a flourish with his right, as just promised success&mdash;and no
+more&mdash;&mdash;if your honour will give me leave to lay down the plan
+of this <span class = "locked">attack&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Thou wilt please me by it, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, exceedingly&mdash;and as I foresee thou must act in it as
+my <i>aid de camp</i>, here’s a crown, corporal, to begin with, to steep
+thy commission.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page429" id = "page429">429</a></span>
+<p>Then, an’ please your honour, said the corporal (making a bow first
+for his commission)&mdash;we will begin with getting your honour’s laced
+cloaths out of the great campaign-trunk, to be well air’d, and have the
+blue and gold taken up at the sleeves&mdash;and I’ll put your white
+ramallie-wig fresh into pipes&mdash;and send for a taylor, to have your
+honour’s thin scarlet breeches <span class =
+"locked">turn’d&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;I had better take the red plush ones, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;They will be too clumsy&mdash;said the
+corporal.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXIX" id = "bookVIII_chapXXIX">
+CHAPTER XXIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Thou wilt get a brush and a little chalk to my
+sword&mdash;&mdash;’Twill be only in your honour’s way, replied
+<i>Trim</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXX" id = "bookVIII_chapXXX">
+CHAPTER XXX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">But</span> your honour’s two
+razors shall be new set&mdash;and I will get my <i>Montero</i>-cap
+furbish’d up, and put on poor lieutenant <i>Le Fever’s</i> regimental
+coat, which your honour gave me to wear for his sake&mdash;and as soon
+as your honour is clean shaved&mdash;and has got your clean shirt on,
+with your blue and gold, or your fine scarlet&mdash;&mdash;sometimes one
+and sometimes t’other&mdash;and everything is ready for the
+attack&mdash;we’ll march up boldly, as if ’twas to the face of a
+bastion; and whilst your honour engages Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> in the
+parlour, to the right&mdash;&mdash;I’ll attack Mrs. <i>Bridget</i> in
+the kitchen, to the left; and having seiz’d the pass, I’ll answer for
+it, said the corporal, snapping his fingers over his head&mdash;that the
+day is our own.</p>
+
+<p>I wish I may but manage it right; said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;but
+I declare, corporal, I&nbsp;had rather march up to the very edge of a
+<span class = "locked">trench&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;A woman is quite a different thing&mdash;said the
+corporal.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;I suppose so, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXXI" id = "bookVIII_chapXXXI">
+CHAPTER XXXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">If</span> anything in this world, which my
+father said, could have provoked my uncle <i>Toby</i>, during the time
+he was in love, it was the perverse use my father was always making of
+an expression
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page430" id = "page430">430</a></span>
+of <i>Hilarion</i> the hermit; who, in speaking of his abstinence, his
+watchings, flagellations, and other instrumental parts of his
+religion&mdash;would say&mdash;tho’ with more facetiousness than became
+an hermit&mdash;“That they were the means he used, to make his
+<i>ass</i> (meaning his body) leave off kicking.”</p>
+
+<p>It pleased my father well; it was not only a laconick way of
+expressing&mdash;&mdash;but of libelling, at the same time, the desires
+and appetites of the lower part of us; so that for many years of my
+father’s life, ’twas his constant mode of expression&mdash;he never used
+the word <i>passions</i> once&mdash;but <i>ass</i> always instead of
+them&mdash;&mdash;So that he might be said truly, to have been upon the
+bones, or the back of his own ass, or else of some other man’s, during
+all that time.</p>
+
+<p>I must here observe to you the difference betwixt</p>
+
+<p class = "indent">
+My father’s ass</p>
+
+<p class = "indent">
+and my hobby-horse&mdash;in order to keep characters as separate as may
+be, in our fancies as we go along.</p>
+
+<p>For my hobby-horse, if you recollect a little, is no way a vicious
+beast; he has scarce one hair or lineament of the ass about
+him&mdash;&mdash;’Tis the sporting little filly-folly which carries you
+out for the present hour&mdash;a&nbsp;maggot, a&nbsp;butterfly,
+a&nbsp;picture, a&nbsp;fiddlestick&mdash;an uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+siege&mdash;or an <i>anything</i>, which a man makes a shift to get
+a-stride on, to canter it away from the cares and solicitudes of
+life&mdash;’Tis as useful a beast as is in the whole creation&mdash;nor
+do I really see how the world would do without <span class =
+"locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But for my father’s ass&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;oh! mount
+him&mdash;mount him&mdash;mount him&mdash;(that’s three times, is it
+not?)&mdash;mount him not:&mdash;’tis a beast concupiscent&mdash;and
+foul befal the man, who does not hinder him from kicking.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXXII" id = "bookVIII_chapXXXII">
+CHAPTER XXXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Well</span>! dear brother <i>Toby</i>, said
+my father, upon his first seeing him after he fell in love&mdash;and how
+goes it with your <span class = "smallcaps">Asse</span>?</p>
+
+<p>Now my uncle <i>Toby</i> thinking more of the <i>part</i> where he
+had had the blister, than of <i>Hilarion’s</i> metaphor&mdash;and our
+preconceptions having (you know) as great a power over the sounds of
+words as the shapes of things, he had imagined, that my father, who was
+not very ceremonious in his choice of words, had enquired after the part
+by its proper name; so notwithstanding my mother, doctor <i>Slop</i>,
+and Mr. <i>Yorick</i>, were sitting in the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page431" id = "page431">431</a></span>
+parlour, he thought it rather civil to conform to the term my father had
+made use of than not. When a man is hemm’d in by two indecorums, and
+must commit one of ’em&mdash;I&nbsp;always observe&mdash;let him chuse
+which he will, the world will blame him&mdash;so I should not be
+astonished if it blames my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>My A&mdash;e, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, is much
+better&mdash;brother <i>Shandy</i>&mdash;My father had formed great
+expectations from his Asse in this onset; and would have brought him on
+again; but doctor <i>Slop</i> setting up an intemperate laugh&mdash;and
+my mother crying out L&mdash; bless us!&mdash;it drove my father’s Asse
+off the field&mdash;and the laugh then becoming general&mdash;there was
+no bringing him back to the charge, for some <span class =
+"locked">time&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>And so the discourse went on without him.</p>
+
+<p>Everybody, said my mother, says you are in love, brother
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;and we hope it is true.</p>
+
+<p>I am as much in love, sister, I believe, replied my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, as any man usually is&mdash;&mdash;Humph! said my
+father&mdash;&mdash;and when did you know it? quoth my <span class =
+"locked">mother&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;When the blister broke; replied my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby’s</i> reply put my father into good temper&mdash;so
+he charg’d o’ foot.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXXIII" id = "bookVIII_chapXXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> the ancients agree, brother
+<i>Toby</i>, said my father, that there are two different and distinct
+kinds of <i>love</i>, according to the different parts which are
+affected by it&mdash;the Brain or Liver&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;think when a
+man is in love, it behoves him a little to consider which of the two he
+is fallen into.</p>
+
+<p>What signifies it, brother <i>Shandy</i>, replied my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, which of the two it is, provided it will but make a man
+marry, and love his wife, and get a few children?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;A few children! cried my father, rising out of his
+chair, and looking full in my mother’s face, as he forced his way
+betwixt her’s and doctor <i>Slop’s</i>&mdash;a&nbsp;few children! cried
+my father, repeating my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> words as he walk’d to and
+<span class = "locked">fro&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Not, my dear brother <i>Toby</i>, cried my father,
+recovering himself all at once, and coming close up to the back of my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> chair&mdash;not that I should be sorry hadst thou a
+score&mdash;on the contrary, I&nbsp;should rejoice&mdash;and be as kind,
+<i>Toby</i>, to every one of them as a <span class =
+"locked">father&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> stole his hand unperceived behind his chair, to
+give my father’s a <span class =
+"locked">squeeze&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page432" id = "page432">432</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping hold of my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> hand&mdash;so much dost thou possess, my dear <i>Toby</i>,
+of the milk of human nature, and so little of its asperities&mdash;’tis
+piteous the world is not peopled by creatures which resemble thee; and
+was I an <i>Asiatic</i> monarch, added my father, heating himself with
+his new project&mdash;I&nbsp;would oblige thee, provided it would not
+impair thy strength&mdash;or dry up thy radical moisture too
+fast&mdash;or weaken thy memory or fancy, brother <i>Toby</i>, which
+these gymnics inordinately taken are apt to do&mdash;else, dear
+<i>Toby</i>, I&nbsp;would procure thee the most beautiful women in my
+empire, and I would oblige thee, <i>nolens, volens</i>, to beget for me
+one subject every <span class =
+"locked"><i>month</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>As my father pronounced the last word of the sentence&mdash;my mother
+took a pinch of snuff.</p>
+
+<p>Now I would not, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, get a child, <i>nolens,
+volens</i>, that is, whether I would or no, to please the greatest
+prince upon <span class = "locked">earth&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And ’twould be cruel in me, brother <i>Toby</i>, to
+compel thee; said my father&mdash;but ’tis a case put to show thee, that
+it is not thy begetting a child&mdash;in case thou should’st be
+able&mdash;but the system of Love and Marriage thou goest upon, which I
+would set thee right <span class = "locked">in&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>There is at least, said <i>Yorick</i>, a great deal of reason and
+plain sense in captain <i>Shandy’s</i> opinion of love; and ’tis amongst
+the ill-spent hours of my life, which I have to answer for, that I have
+read so many flourishing poets and rhetoricians in my time, from whom I
+never could extract so <span class =
+"locked">much&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I wish, <i>Yorick</i>, said my father, you had read <i>Plato</i>; for
+there you would have learnt that there are two <span class =
+"smallcaps">Loves</span>&mdash;I&nbsp;know there were two <span class =
+"smallcaps">Religions</span>, replied <i>Yorick</i>, amongst the
+ancients&mdash;&mdash;one&mdash;for the vulgar, and another for the
+learned;&mdash;but I think <span class = "smallcaps">one Love</span>
+might have served both of them very <span class =
+"locked">well&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>It could not; replied my father&mdash;and for the same reasons: for
+of these Loves, according to <i>Ficinus’s</i> comment upon
+<i>Velasius</i>, the one is <span class =
+"locked">rational&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;the other is <i>natural</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>the first ancient&mdash;&mdash;without mother&mdash;&mdash;where
+<i>Venus</i> had nothing to do: the second, begotten of <i>Jupiter</i>
+and <span class = "locked"><i>Dione</i>&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Pray, brother, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, what has a
+man who believes in God to do with this? My father could not stop to
+answer, for fear of breaking the thread of his <span class =
+"locked">discourse&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>This latter, continued he, partakes wholly of the nature of
+<i>Venus</i>.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page433" id = "page433">433</a></span>
+<p>The first, which is the golden chain let down from heaven, excites to
+love heroic, which comprehends in it, and excites to the desire of
+philosophy and truth&mdash;&mdash;the second, excites to <i>desire</i>,
+<span class = "locked">simply&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I think the procreation of children as beneficial to
+the world, said <i>Yorick</i>, as the finding out of the <span class =
+"locked">longitude&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;To be sure, said my mother, <i>love</i> keeps peace in
+the <span class = "locked">world&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;In the <i>house</i>&mdash;my dear, I own&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It replenishes the earth; said my
+mother&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>But it keeps heaven empty&mdash;my dear; replied my father.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis Virginity, cried <i>Slop</i>, triumphantly, which
+fills paradise.</p>
+
+<p>Well push’d, nun! quoth my father.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXXIV" id = "bookVIII_chapXXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> father had such a skirmishing,
+cutting kind of a slashing way with him, in his disputations, thrusting
+and ripping, and giving every one a stroke to remember him by in his
+turn&mdash;that if there were twenty people in company&mdash;in less
+than half an hour he was sure to have every one of ’em against him.</p>
+
+<p>What did not a little contribute to leave him thus without an ally,
+was, that if there was any one post more untenable than the rest, he
+would be sure to throw himself into it; and to do him justice, when he
+was once there, he would defend it so gallantly, that ’twould have been
+a concern, either to a brave man or a good-natured one, to have seen him
+driven out.</p>
+
+<p><i>Yorick</i>, for this reason, though he would often attack
+him&mdash;yet could never bear to do it with all his force.</p>
+
+<p>Doctor <i>Slop’s</i> <span class = "smallcaps">Virginity</span>, in
+the close of the last chapter, had got him for once on the right side of
+the rampart; and he was beginning to blow up all the convents in
+<i>Christendom</i> about <i>Slop’s</i> ears, when corporal <i>Trim</i>
+came into the parlour to inform my uncle <i>Toby</i>, that his thin
+scarlet breeches, in which the attack was to be made upon Mrs.
+<i>Wadman</i>, would not do; for that the taylor, in ripping them up, in
+order to turn them, had found they had been turn’d
+before&mdash;&mdash;Then turn them again, brother, said my father,
+rapidly, for there will be many a turning of ’em yet before all’s done
+in the affair&mdash;&mdash;They are as rotten as dirt, said the
+corporal&mdash;&mdash;Then by all means, said my father, bespeak a new
+pair, brother&mdash;&mdash;for though I know, continued
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page434" id = "page434">434</a></span>
+my father, turning himself to the company, that widow <i>Wadman</i> has
+been deeply in love with my brother <i>Toby</i> for many years, and has
+used every art and circumvention of woman to outwit him into the same
+passion, yet now that she has caught him&mdash;&mdash;her fever will be
+pass’d its <span class = "locked">height&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;She has gain’d her point.</p>
+
+<p>In this case, continued my father, which <i>Plato</i>, I am
+persuaded<ins class = "correction" title = "comma missing at line-end">,
+</ins>never thought of&mdash;&mdash;Love, you see, is not so much a
+<span class = "smallcaps">Sentiment</span> as a <span class =
+"smallcaps">Situation</span>, into which a man enters, as my brother
+<i>Toby</i> would do, into a <i>corps</i>&mdash;&mdash;no matter whether
+he loves the service or no&mdash;&mdash;being once in it&mdash;he acts
+as if he did; and takes every step to shew himself a man of
+prowesse.</p>
+
+<p>The hypothesis, like the rest of my father’s, was plausible enough,
+and my uncle <i>Toby</i> had but a single word to object to it&mdash;in
+which <i>Trim</i> stood ready to second him&mdash;&mdash;but my father
+had not drawn his <span class =
+"locked">conclusion&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>For this reason, continued my father (stating the case over
+again)&mdash;notwithstanding all the world knows, that Mrs.
+<i>Wadman</i> <i>affects</i> my brother <i>Toby</i>&mdash;and my brother
+<i>Toby</i> contrariwise <i>affects</i> Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>, and no
+obstacle in nature to forbid the music striking up this very night, yet
+will I answer for it, that this self-same tune will not be play’d this
+twelvemonth.</p>
+
+<p>We have taken our measures badly, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, looking
+up interrogatively in <i>Trim’s</i> face.</p>
+
+<p>I would lay my <i>Montero</i>-cap, said <i>Trim</i>&mdash;&mdash;Now
+<i>Trim’s</i> <i>Montero</i>-cap, as I once told you, was his constant
+wager; and having furbish’d it up that very night, in order to go upon
+the attack&mdash;it made the odds look more
+considerable&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;would lay, an’ please your honour, my
+<i>Montero</i>-cap to a shilling&mdash;was it proper, continued
+<i>Trim</i> (making a bow), to offer a wager before your <span class =
+"locked">honours&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;There is nothing improper in it, said my
+father&mdash;’tis a mode of expression; for in saying thou would’st lay
+thy <i>Montero</i>-cap to a shilling&mdash;all thou meanest is
+this&mdash;that thou <span class = "locked">believest&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Now, What do’st thou believe?</p>
+
+<p>That widow <i>Wadman</i>, an’ please your worship, cannot hold it out
+ten <span class = "locked">days&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>And whence, cried <i>Slop</i>, jeeringly, hast thou all this
+knowledge of woman, friend?</p>
+
+<p>By falling in love with a popish clergywoman; said <i>Trim</i>.</p>
+
+<p>’Twas a <i>Beguine</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Doctor <i>Slop</i> was too much in wrath to listen to the
+distinction; and my father taking that very crisis to fall in
+helter-skelter
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page435" id = "page435">435</a></span>
+upon the whole order of Nuns and <i>Beguines</i>, a set of silly, fusty,
+baggages&mdash;&mdash;<i>Slop</i> could not stand it&mdash;&mdash;and my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> having some measures to take about his
+breeches&mdash;and <i>Yorick</i> about his fourth general
+division&mdash;in order for their several attacks next day&mdash;the
+company broke up: and my father being left alone, and having half an
+hour upon his hands betwixt that and bed-time; he called for pen, ink,
+and paper, and wrote my uncle <i>Toby</i> the following letter of
+instructions:</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+<span class = "smallcaps">My dear brother</span> <i>Toby</i>,</p>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">What</span> I am going to say to thee is
+upon the nature of women, and of love-making to them; and perhaps it is
+as well for thee&mdash;tho’ not so well for me&mdash;that thou hast
+occasion for a letter of instructions upon that head, and that I am able
+to write it to thee.</p>
+
+<p>Had it been the good pleasure of him who disposes of our
+lots&mdash;and thou no sufferer by the knowledge, I&nbsp;had been well
+content that thou should’st have dipp’d the pen this moment into the
+ink, instead of myself; but that not being the
+case&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Mrs. <i>Shandy</i> being
+now close beside me, preparing for bed&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have thrown
+together without order, and just as they have come into my mind, such
+hints and documents as I deem may be of use to thee; intending, in this,
+to give thee a token of my love; not doubting, my dear <i>Toby</i>, of
+the manner in which it will be accepted.</p>
+
+<p>In the first place, with regard to all which concerns religion in the
+affair&mdash;&mdash;though I perceive from a glow in my cheek, that I
+blush as I begin to speak to thee upon the subject, as well knowing,
+notwithstanding thy unaffected secrecy, how few of its offices thou
+neglectest&mdash;yet I would remind thee of one (during the continuance
+of thy courtship) in a particular manner, which I would not have
+omitted; and that is, never to go forth upon the enterprize, whether it
+be in the morning or the afternoon, without first recommending thyself
+to the protection of Almighty God, that he may defend thee from the evil
+one.</p>
+
+<p>Shave the whole top of thy crown clean once at least every four or
+five days, but oftener if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before
+her, thro’ absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has
+been cut away by Time&mdash;&mdash;how much by <i>Trim</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;’Twere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy.</p>
+
+<p>Always carry it in thy mind, and act upon it as a sure maxim,
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page436" id = "page436">436</a></span>
+<p>“<i>That women are timid:</i>” And ’tis well they
+are&mdash;&mdash;else there would be no dealing with them.</p>
+
+<p>Let not thy breeches be too tight, or hang too loose about thy
+thighs, like the trunk-hose of our ancestors.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;A just medium prevents all conclusions.</p>
+
+<p>Whatever thou hast to say, be it more or less, forget not to utter it
+in a low soft tone of voice. Silence, and whatever approaches it, weaves
+dreams of midnight secrecy into the brain: For this cause, if thou canst
+help it, never throw down the tongs and poker.</p>
+
+<p>Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse with
+her, and do whatever lies in thy power at the same time, to keep from
+her all books and writings which tend thereto: there are some devotional
+tracts, which if thou canst entice her to read over&mdash;it will be
+well: but suffer her not to look into <i>Rabelais</i>, or
+<i>Scarron</i>, or <i>Don Quixote</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;They are all books which excite laughter; and thou
+knowest, dear <i>Toby</i>, that there is no passion so serious as
+lust.</p>
+
+<p>Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, before thou enterest her
+parlour.</p>
+
+<p>And if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sopha with her, and
+she gives thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hers&mdash;beware of taking
+it&mdash;&mdash;thou canst not lay thy hand on hers, but she will feel
+the temper of thine. Leave that and as many other things as thou canst,
+quite undetermined; by so doing, thou wilt have her curiosity on thy
+side; and if she is not conquered by that, and thy <span class =
+"smallcaps">Asse</span> continues still kicking, which there is great
+reason to suppose&mdash;&mdash;Thou must begin, with first losing a few
+ounces of blood below the ears, according to the practice of the ancient
+<i>Scythians</i>, who cured the most intemperate fits of the appetite by
+that means.</p>
+
+<p><i>Avicenna</i>, after this, is for having the part anointed with the
+syrup of hellebore, using proper evacuations and purges&mdash;&mdash;and
+I believe rightly. But thou must eat little or no goat’s flesh, nor red
+deer&mdash;&mdash;nor even foal’s flesh by any means; and carefully
+abstain&mdash;&mdash;that is, as much as thou canst, from peacocks,
+cranes, coots, didappers, and <span class =
+"locked">water-hens&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>As for thy drink&mdash;I need not tell thee, it must be the infusion
+of <span class = "smallcaps">Vervain</span> and the herb <span class =
+"smallcaps">Hanea</span>, of which <i>Ælian</i> relates such
+effects&mdash;but if thy stomach palls with it&mdash;discontinue it from
+time to time, taking cucumbers, melons, purslane, water-lillies,
+woodbine, and lettice, in the stead of them.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page437" id = "page437">437</a></span>
+<p>There is nothing further for thee, which occurs to me at
+present&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Unless the breaking out of a fresh war&mdash;&mdash;So
+wishing everything, dear <i>Toby</i>, for the best,</p>
+
+<p>I rest thy affectionate brother,</p>
+
+<p class = "right smallcaps">
+Walter Shandy</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookVIII_chapXXXV" id = "bookVIII_chapXXXV">
+CHAPTER XXXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Whilst</span> my father was writing his
+letter of instructions, my uncle <i>Toby</i> and the corporal were busy
+in preparing everything for the attack. As the turning of the thin
+scarlet breeches was laid aside (at&nbsp;least for the present), there
+was nothing which should put it off beyond the next morning; so
+accordingly it was resolved upon, for eleven o’clock.</p>
+
+<p>Come, my dear, said my father to my mother&mdash;’twill be but like a
+brother and sister, if you and I take a walk down to my brother
+<i>Toby’s</i>&mdash;&mdash;to countenance him in this attack of his.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> and the corporal had been accoutred both some
+time, when my father and mother enter’d, and the clock striking eleven,
+were that moment in motion to sally forth&mdash;but the account of this
+is worth more than to be wove into the fag end of the eighth<a class =
+"tag" name = "tag_8_7" id = "tag_8_7" href = "#note_8_7">7</a> volume of
+such a work as this.&mdash;&mdash;My father had no time but to put the
+letter of instructions into my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+coat-pocket&mdash;&mdash;and join with my mother in wishing his attack
+prosperous.</p>
+
+<p>I could like, said my mother, to look through the key-hole out of
+curiosity&mdash;&mdash;Call it by its right name, my dear, quoth my
+<span class = "locked">father&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p><i>And look through the key-hole</i> as long as you will.</p>
+
+<div class = "footnote">
+
+<p><a name = "note_8_1" id = "note_8_1" href = "#tag_8_1">1.</a>
+Vid. <a href = "#page347">pp. 347-348</a>.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_8_2" id = "note_8_2" href = "#tag_8_2">2.</a>
+Vid. <i>Pope’s</i> Portrait.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_8_3" id = "note_8_3" href = "#tag_8_3">3.</a>
+Alluding to the first edition.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_8_4" id = "note_8_4" href = "#tag_8_4">4.</a>
+<i>Rodope Thracia</i> tam inevitabili fascino instructa, tam exactè
+oculus intuens attraxit, ut si in illam quis incidisset, fieri non
+posset, quin caperetur.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;know not who.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_8_5" id = "note_8_5" href = "#tag_8_5">5.</a>
+This will be printed with my father’s Life of <i>Socrates</i>, &amp;c.
+&amp;c.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_8_6" id = "note_8_6" href = "#tag_8_6">6.</a>
+Mr. <i>Shandy</i> must mean the poor <i>in spirit</i>; inasmuch as they
+divided the money amongst themselves.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_8_7" id = "note_8_7" href = "#tag_8_7">7.</a>
+Alluding to the first edition.</p>
+
+</div>
+
+
+<div class = "page">
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page438" id = "page438">438</a></span>
+
+</div>
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page439" id = "page439">439</a></span>
+
+<h2><a name = "bookIX_title" id = "bookIX_title">
+<span class = "small">THE LIFE AND OPINIONS</span></a><br />
+<span class = "tiny">OF</span><br />
+<span class = "extended">TRISTRAM SHANDY</span><br />
+<span class = "smaller">GENTLEMAN</span></h2>
+
+<div class = "heading">
+<p>Non enim excursus hic ejus, sed opus ipsum est.</p>
+<p class = "right"><span class = "smallcaps">Plin.</span> Lib. v. Epist.
+6.</p>
+
+<p class = "deephang">
+Si quid urbaniusculè lusum a nobis, per Musas et Charitas et omnium
+poÍtarum Numina, Oro te, ne me malè capias.</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class = "page">
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page440" id = "page440">440</a></span>
+
+<h3><a name = "bookIX_dedic" id = "bookIX_dedic">A DEDICATION</a><br />
+<span class = "small extended">TO A GREAT MAN</span></h3>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Having</span>, <i>a priori</i>, intended to
+dedicate <i>The Amours of my Uncle Toby</i> to Mr.
+***&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;see more reasons, <i>a&nbsp;posteriori</i>, for
+doing it <ins class = "correction" title = "text reads ‘too’">to</ins>
+Lord *******.</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+I should lament from my soul, if this exposed me to the jealousy of
+their Reverences; because <i>a&nbsp;posteriori</i>, in Court-latin,
+signifies the kissing hands for preferment&mdash;or anything
+else&mdash;in order to get&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+My opinion of Lord ******* is neither better nor worse, than it was of
+Mr. ***. Honours, like impressions upon coin, may give an ideal and
+local value to a bit of base metal; but Gold and Silver will pass all
+the world over without any other recommendation than their own
+weight.</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+The same good-will that made me think of offering up half an hour’s
+amusement to Mr. *** when out of place&mdash;operates more forcibly at
+present, as half an hour’s amusement will be more serviceable and
+refreshing after labour and sorrow, than after a philosophical
+repast.</p>
+
+<p class = "space">
+Nothing is so perfectly <i>amusement</i> as a total change of ideas; no
+ideas are so totally different as those of Ministers, and innocent
+Lovers: for which reason, when I come to talk of Statesmen and Patriots,
+and set such marks upon them as will prevent confusion and mistakes
+concerning them for the future&mdash;I&nbsp;propose to dedicate that
+Volume to some gentle Shepherd,</p>
+
+<div class = "verse">
+<p>Whose thoughts proud Science never taught to stray,</p>
+<p>Far as the Statesman’s walk or Patriot-way;</p>
+<p>Yet <i>simple Nature</i> to his hopes had given</p>
+<p>Out of a cloud-capp’d head a humbler heaven;</p>
+<p>Some <i>untam’d</i> World in depths of wood embraced&mdash;</p>
+<p>Some happier Island in the watry-waste&mdash;</p>
+<p>And where admitted to that equal sky,</p>
+<p>His <i>faithful Dog</i> should bear him company.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class = "space">
+In a word, by thus introducing an entire new set of objects to his
+Imagination, I&nbsp;shall unavoidably give a <i>Diversion</i> to his
+passionate and love-sick Contemplations. In the meantime,</p>
+
+<p class = "center">
+I am</p>
+
+<p class = "right">
+THE AUTHOR.</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page441" id = "page441">441</a></span>
+<h3><a name = "bookIX" id = "bookIX">BOOK IX</a></h3>
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapI" id = "bookIX_chapI">
+CHAPTER I</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">I call</span> all the powers of time and
+chance, which severally check us in our careers in this world, to bear
+me witness, that I could never yet get fairly to my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+amours, till this very moment, that my mother’s <i>curiosity</i>, as she
+stated the affair,&mdash;&mdash;or a different impulse in her, as my
+father would have it&mdash;&mdash;wished her to take a peep at them
+through the key-hole.</p>
+
+<p>“Call it, my dear, by its right name, quoth my father, and look
+through the key-hole as long as you will.”</p>
+
+<p>Nothing but the fermentation of that little subacid humour, which I
+have often spoken of, in my father’s habit, could have vented such an
+insinuation&mdash;&mdash;he was however frank and generous in his
+nature, and at all times open to conviction; so that he had scarce got
+to the last word of this ungracious retort, when his conscience smote
+him.</p>
+
+<p>My mother was then conjugally swinging with her left arm twisted
+under his right, in such wise, that the inside of her hand rested upon
+the back of his&mdash;she raised her fingers, and let them fall&mdash;it
+could scarce be call’d a tap; or if it was a tap&mdash;&mdash;’twould
+have puzzled a casuist to say, whether ’twas a tap of remonstrance, or a
+tap of confession: my father, who was all sensibilities from head to
+foot, class’d it right&mdash;Conscience redoubled her blow&mdash;he
+turn’d his face suddenly the other way, and my mother supposing his body
+was about to turn with it in order to move homewards, by a cross
+movement of her right leg, keeping her left as its centre, brought
+herself so far in front, that as he turned his head, he met her
+eye&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Confusion again! he saw a thousand reasons to
+wipe out the reproach, and as many to reproach
+himself&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;thin, blue, chill, pellucid chrystal with
+all its humours so at rest, the least mote or speck of desire might have
+been seen, at the bottom of it, had it existed&mdash;&mdash;it did
+not&mdash;&mdash;and how I happen to be so lewd myself, particularly a
+little before the vernal and autumnal equinoxes&mdash;&mdash;Heaven
+above knows&mdash;&mdash;My mother&mdash;&mdash;madam&mdash;&mdash;was
+so at no time, either by nature, by institution, or example.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page442" id = "page442">442</a></span>
+<p>A temperate current of blood ran orderly through her veins in all
+months of the year, and in all critical moments both of the day and
+night alike; nor did she superinduce the least heat into her humours
+from the manual effervescencies of devotional tracts, which having
+little or no meaning in them, nature is oft-times obliged to find
+one&mdash;&mdash;And as for my father’s example! ’twas so far from being
+either aiding or abetting thereunto, that ’twas the whole business of
+his life to keep all fancies of that kind out of her
+head&mdash;&mdash;Nature had done her part, to have spared him this
+trouble; and what was not a little inconsistent, my father knew
+it&mdash;&mdash;And here am I sitting, this 12th day of <i>August</i>
+1766, in a purple jerkin and yellow pair of slippers, without either wig
+or cap on, a&nbsp;most tragicomical completion of his prediction, “That
+I should neither think, nor act like any other man’s child, upon that
+very account.”</p>
+
+<p>The mistake in my father, was in attacking my mother’s motive,
+instead of the act itself; for certainly key-holes were made for other
+purposes; and considering the act, as an act which interfered with a
+true proposition, and denied a key-hole to be what it
+was&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;it became a violation of nature; and was so far,
+you see, criminal.</p>
+
+<p>It is for this reason, an’ please your Reverences, That key-holes are
+the occasions of more sin and wickedness, than all other holes in this
+world put together.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;which leads me to my uncle <i>Toby’s</i>
+amours.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapII" id = "bookIX_chapII">
+CHAPTER II</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Though</span> the corporal had been as good
+as his word in putting my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> great ramallie-wig into
+pipes, yet the time was too short to produce any great effects from it:
+it had lain many years squeezed up in the corner of his old campaign
+trunk; and as bad forms are not so easy to be got the better of, and the
+use of candle-ends not so well understood, it was not so pliable a
+business as one would have wished. The corporal with cheary eye and both
+arms extended, had fallen back perpendicular from it a score times, to
+inspire it, if possible, with a better air&mdash;&mdash;had <span class
+= "smallroman">SPLEEN</span> given a look at it, ’twould have cost her
+ladyship a smile&mdash;&mdash;it curl’d everywhere but where the
+corporal would have it; and where a buckle or two, in his opinion, would
+have done it honour, he could as soon have raised the dead.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page443" id = "page443">443</a></span>
+<p>Such it was&mdash;&mdash;or rather such would it have seem’d upon any
+other brow; but the sweet look of goodness which sat upon my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i>, assimilated everything around it so sovereignly to
+itself, and Nature had moreover wrote <span class =
+"smallcaps">Gentleman</span> with so fair a hand in every line of his
+countenance, that even his tarnish’d gold-laced hat and huge cockade of
+flimsy taffeta became him; and though not worth a button in themselves,
+yet the moment my uncle <i>Toby</i> put them on, they became serious
+objects, and altogether seem’d to have been picked up by the hand of
+Science to set him off to advantage.</p>
+
+<p>Nothing in this world could have co-operated more powerfully towards
+this, than my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> blue and gold&mdash;&mdash;<i>had not
+Quantity in some measure been necessary to Grace</i>: in a period of
+fifteen or sixteen years since they had been made, by a total inactivity
+in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> life, for he seldom went further than the
+bowling-green&mdash;his blue and gold had become so miserably too strait
+for him, that it was with the utmost difficulty the corporal was able to
+get him into them; the taking them up at the sleeves, was of no
+advantage.&mdash;&mdash;They were laced however down the back, and at
+the seams of the sides, &amp;c., in the mode of King <i>William’s</i>
+reign; and to shorten all description, they shone so bright against the
+sun that morning, and had so metallick and doughty an air with them,
+that had my uncle <i>Toby</i> thought of attacking in armour, nothing
+could have so well imposed upon his imagination.</p>
+
+<p>As for the thin scarlet breeches, they had been unripp’d by the
+taylor between the legs, and left at <i>sixes and
+sevens</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Yes, Madam,&mdash;&mdash;but let us govern our fancies.
+It is enough they were held impracticable the night before, and as there
+was no alternative in my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> wardrobe, he sallied forth
+in the red plush.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal had array’d himself in poor <i>Le Fever’s</i> regimental
+coat; and with his hair tuck’d up under his <i>Montero</i>-cap, which he
+had furbish’d up for the occasion, march’d three paces distant from his
+master: a&nbsp;whiff of military pride had puff’d out his shirt at the
+wrist; and upon that in a black leather thong clipp’d into a tassel
+beyond the knot, hung the corporal’s stick&mdash;&mdash;My uncle
+<i>Toby</i> carried his cane like a pike.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It looks well at least; quoth my father to himself.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page444" id = "page444">444</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapIII" id = "bookIX_chapIII">
+CHAPTER III</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> uncle <i>Toby</i> turn’d his head
+more than once behind him, to see how he was supported by the corporal;
+and the corporal as oft as he did it, gave a slight flourish with his
+stick&mdash;but not vapouringly; and with the sweetest accent of most
+respectful encouragement, bid his honour “never fear.”</p>
+
+<p>Now my uncle <i>Toby</i> did fear; and grievously too; he knew not
+(as&nbsp;my father had reproach’d him) so much as the right end of a
+Woman from the wrong, and therefore was never altogether at his ease
+near any one of them&mdash;&mdash;unless in sorrow or distress; then
+infinite was his pity; nor would the most courteous knight of romance
+have gone further, at least upon one leg, to have wiped away a tear from
+a woman’s eye; and yet excepting once that he was beguiled into it by
+Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>, he had never looked stedfastly into one; and would
+often tell my father in the simplicity of his heart, that it was almost
+(if&nbsp;not about) as bad as talking <span class =
+"locked">bawdy.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And suppose it is? my father would say.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapIV" id = "bookIX_chapIV">
+CHAPTER IV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">She</span> cannot, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, halting, when they had march’d up to within twenty paces of
+Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i> door&mdash;she cannot, corporal, take it <span
+class = "locked">amiss.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;She will take it, an’ please your honour, said the
+corporal, just as the <i>Jew’s</i> widow at <i>Lisbon</i> took it of my
+brother <span class = "locked"><i>Tom</i>.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And how was that? quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, facing
+quite about to the corporal.</p>
+
+<p>Your honour, replied the corporal, knows of <i>Tom’s</i> misfortunes;
+but this affair has nothing to do with them any further than this, That
+if <i>Tom</i> had not married the widow&mdash;&mdash;or had it pleased
+God after their marriage, that they had but put pork into their
+sausages, the honest soul had never been taken out of his warm bed, and
+dragg’d to the inquisition&mdash;&mdash;’Tis a cursed place&mdash;added
+the corporal, shaking his head,&mdash;when once a poor creature is in,
+he is in, an’ please your honour, for ever.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis very true; said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, looking gravely at Mrs.
+<i>Wadman’s</i> house, as he spoke.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page445" id = "page445">445</a></span>
+<p>Nothing, continued the corporal, can be so sad as confinement for
+life&mdash;or so sweet, an’ please your honour, as liberty.</p>
+
+<p>Nothing, <i>Trim</i>&mdash;&mdash;said my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+musing&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Whilst a man is free,&mdash;cried the corporal, giving a flourish
+with his stick <span class = "locked">thus&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p class = "illustration">
+<img src = "images/pg445.png" width = "365" height = "333"
+alt = "flourish" /></p>
+
+<p>A thousand of my father’s most subtle syllogisms could not have said
+more for celibacy.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> look’d earnestly towards his cottage and his
+bowling-green.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal had unwarily conjured up the Spirit of calculation with
+his wand; and he had nothing to do, but to conjure him down again with
+his story, and in this form of Exorcism, most un-ecclesiastically did
+the corporal do&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapV" id = "bookIX_chapV">
+CHAPTER V</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> <i>Tom’s</i> place, an’ please
+your honour, was easy&mdash;and the weather warm&mdash;it put him upon
+thinking seriously of settling himself in the world; and as it fell out
+about that time, that a <i>Jew</i> who kept a sausage shop in the same
+street, had the ill luck to die of a strangury, and leave his widow in
+possession of a rousing trade&mdash;&mdash;<i>Tom</i> thought
+(as&nbsp;everybody in <i>Lisbon</i> was doing the best he could devise
+for himself) there could be no
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page446" id = "page446">446</a></span>
+harm in offering her his service to carry it on: so without any
+introduction to the widow, except that of buying a pound of sausages at
+her shop&mdash;<i>Tom</i> set out&mdash;counting the matter thus within
+himself, as he walk’d along; that let the worst come of it that could,
+he should at least get a pound of sausages for their worth&mdash;but, if
+things went well, he should be set up; inasmuch as he should get not
+only a pound of sausages&mdash;but a wife and&mdash;a&nbsp;sausage shop,
+an’ please your honour, into the bargain.</p>
+
+<p>Every servant in the family, from high to low, wish’d <i>Tom</i>
+success; and I can fancy, an’ please your honour, I&nbsp;see him this
+moment with his white dimity waistcoat and breeches, and hat a little o’
+one side, passing jollily along the street, swinging his stick, with a
+smile and a chearful word for everybody he met:&mdash;&mdash;But alas!
+<i>Tom!</i> thou smilest no more, cried the corporal, looking on one
+side of him upon the ground, as if he apostrophised him in his
+dungeon.</p>
+
+<p>Poor fellow! said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, feelingly.</p>
+
+<p>He was an honest, light-hearted lad, an’ please your honour, as ever
+blood <span class = "locked">warm’d&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Then he resembled thee, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, rapidly.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal blush’d down to his fingers ends&mdash;a tear of
+sentimental bashfulness&mdash;another of gratitude to my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;and a tear of sorrow for his brother’s misfortunes,
+started into his eye, and ran sweetly down his cheek together; my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> kindled as one lamp does at another; and taking hold of
+the breast of <i>Trim’s</i> coat (which had been that of <i>Le
+Fever’s</i>) as if to ease his lame leg, but in reality to gratify a
+finer feeling&mdash;&mdash;he stood silent for a minute and a half; at
+the end of which he took his hand away, and the corporal making a bow,
+went on with his story of his brother and the <i>Jew’s</i> widow.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapVI" id = "bookIX_chapVI">
+CHAPTER VI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> <i>Tom</i>, an’ please your
+honour, got to the shop, there was nobody in it, but a poor negro girl,
+with a bunch of white feathers slightly tied to the end of a long cane,
+flapping away flies&mdash;not killing them.&mdash;&mdash;’Tis a pretty
+picture! said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;she had suffered persecution,
+<i>Trim</i>, and had learnt <span class =
+"locked">mercy&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;She was good, an’ please your honour, from nature, as
+well as from hardships; and there are circumstances in the story of that
+poor friendless slut, that would melt a heart of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page447" id = "page447">447</a></span>
+stone, said <i>Trim</i>; and some dismal winter’s evening, when your
+honour is in the humour, they shall be told you with the rest of
+<i>Tom’s</i> story, for it makes a part of <span class =
+"locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Then do not forget, <i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>A negro has a soul? an’ please your honour, said the corporal
+(doubtingly).</p>
+
+<p>I am not much versed, corporal, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, in things
+of that kind; but I suppose, God would not leave him without one, any
+more than thee or <span class = "locked">me&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It would be putting one sadly over the head of another,
+quoth the corporal.</p>
+
+<p>It would so; said my uncle <i>Toby</i>. Why then, an’ please your
+honour, is a black wench to be used worse than a white one?</p>
+
+<p>I can give no reason, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Only, cried the corporal, shaking his head, because she
+has no one to stand up for <span class =
+"locked">her&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;’Tis that very thing, <i>Trim</i>, quoth my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>,&mdash;&mdash;which recommends her to
+protection&mdash;&mdash;and her brethren with her; ’tis the fortune of
+war which has put the whip into our hands <i>now</i>&mdash;&mdash;where
+it may be hereafter, heaven knows!&mdash;&mdash;but be it where it will,
+the brave, <i>Trim!</i> will not use it unkindly.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;God forbid, said the corporal.</p>
+
+<p>Amen, responded my uncle <i>Toby</i>, laying his hand upon his
+heart.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal returned to his story, and went on&mdash;&mdash;but with
+an embarrassment in doing it, which here and there a reader in this
+world will not be able to comprehend; for by the many sudden transitions
+all along, from one kind and cordial passion to another, in getting thus
+far on his way, he had lost the sportable key of his voice, which gave
+sense and spirit to his tale: he attempted twice to resume it, but could
+not please himself; so giving a stout hem! to rally back the retreating
+spirits, and aiding nature at the same time with his left arm a-kimbo on
+one side, and with his right a little extended, supporting her on the
+other&mdash;the corporal got as near the note as he could; and in that
+attitude, continued his story.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapVII" id = "bookIX_chapVII">
+CHAPTER VII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> <i>Tom</i>, an’ please your
+honour, had no business at that time with the <i>Moorish</i> girl, he
+passed on into the room beyond, to talk to the <i>Jew’s</i> widow about
+love&mdash;&mdash;and this pound of
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page448" id = "page448">448</a></span>
+sausages; and being, as I have told your honour, an open cheary-hearted
+lad, with his character wrote in his looks and carriage, he took a
+chair, and without much apology, but with great civility at the same
+time, placed it close to her at the table, and sat down.</p>
+
+<p>There is nothing so awkward, as courting a woman, an’ please your
+honour, whilst she is making sausages&mdash;&mdash;So <i>Tom</i> began a
+discourse upon them; first, gravely,&mdash;&mdash;“as how they were
+made&mdash;&mdash;with what meats, herbs, and spices”&mdash;Then a
+little gayly,&mdash;as, “With what skins&mdash;&mdash;and if they never
+burst&mdash;&mdash;Whether the largest were not the
+best?”&mdash;&mdash;and so on&mdash;taking care only as he went along,
+to season what he had to say upon sausages, rather under than
+over;&mdash;&mdash;that he might have room to act <span class =
+"locked">in&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>It was owing to the neglect of that very precaution, said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, laying his hand upon <i>Trim’s</i> shoulder, that Count
+<i>De la Motte</i> lost the battle of <i>Wynendale</i>: he pressed too
+speedily into the wood; which if he had not done, <i>Lisle</i> had not
+fallen into our hands, nor <i>Ghent</i> and <i>Bruges</i>, which both
+followed her example; it was so late in the year, continued my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, and so terrible a season came on, that if things had not
+fallen out as they did, our troops must have perish’d in the open <span
+class = "locked">field.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Why, therefore, may not battles, an’ please your
+honour, as well as marriages, be made in heaven?&mdash;My uncle
+<i>Toby</i> <span class = "locked">mused&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Religion inclined him to say one thing, and his high idea of military
+skill tempted him to say another; so not being able to frame a reply
+exactly to his mind&mdash;&mdash;my uncle <i>Toby</i> said nothing at
+all; and the corporal finished his story.</p>
+
+<p>As <i>Tom</i> perceived, an’ please your honour, that he gained
+ground, and that all he had said upon the subject of sausages was kindly
+taken, he went on to help her a little in making
+them.&mdash;&mdash;First, by taking hold of the ring of the sausage
+whilst she stroked the forced meat down with her hand&mdash;&mdash;then
+by cutting the strings into proper lengths, and holding them in his
+hand, whilst she took them out one by one&mdash;&mdash;then, by putting
+them across her mouth, that she might take them out as she wanted
+them&mdash;&mdash;and so on from little to more, till at last he
+adventured to tie the sausage himself, whilst she held the <span class =
+"locked">snout.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Now a widow, an’ please your honour, always chuses a
+second husband as unlike the first as she can: so the affair was more
+than half settled in her mind before <i>Tom</i> mentioned&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page449" id = "page449">449</a></span>
+<p>She made a feint however of defending herself, by snatching up a
+sausage:&mdash;&mdash;<i>Tom</i> instantly laid hold of <span class =
+"locked">another&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>But seeing <i>Tom’s</i> had more gristle in
+it&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>She signed the capitulation&mdash;&mdash;and <i>Tom</i> sealed it;
+and there was an end of the matter.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapVIII" id = "bookIX_chapVIII">
+CHAPTER VIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">All</span> womankind, continued
+<i>Trim</i>, (commenting upon his story) from the highest to the lowest,
+an’ please your honour, love jokes; the difficulty is to know how they
+chuse to have them cut; and there is no knowing that, but by trying, as
+we do with our artillery in the field, by raising or letting down their
+breeches, till we hit the <span class =
+"locked">mark.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I like the comparison, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>,
+better than the thing <span class =
+"locked">itself&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Because your honour, quoth the corporal, loves glory,
+more than pleasure.</p>
+
+<p>I hope, <i>Trim</i>, answered my uncle <i>Toby</i>, I love mankind
+more than either; and as the knowledge of arms tends so apparently to
+the good and quiet of the world&mdash;&mdash;and particularly that
+branch of it which we have practised together in our bowling-green, has
+no object but to shorten the strides of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Ambition</span>, and intrench the lives and fortunes of the
+<i>few</i>, from the plunderings of the
+<i>many</i>&mdash;&mdash;whenever that drum beats in our ears,
+I&nbsp;trust, corporal, we shall neither of us want so much humanity and
+fellow-feeling, as to face about and march.</p>
+
+<p>In pronouncing this, my uncle <i>Toby</i> faced about, and march’d
+firmly as at the head of his company&mdash;&mdash;and the faithful
+corporal, shouldering his stick, and striking his hand upon his
+coat-skirt as he took his first step&mdash;&mdash;march’d close behind
+him down the avenue.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Now what can their two noddles be about? cried my
+father to my mother&mdash;&mdash;by all that’s strange, they are
+besieging Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> in form, and are marching round her house
+to mark out the lines of circumvallation.</p>
+
+<p>I dare say, quoth my
+mother&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;But stop, dear
+Sir&mdash;&mdash;for what my mother dared to say upon the
+occasion&mdash;&mdash;and what my father did say upon
+it&mdash;&mdash;with her replies and his rejoinders, shall be read,
+perused, paraphrased, commented, and descanted upon&mdash;or to say it
+all in a word, shall be thumb’d over by Posterity in a chapter
+apart&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;say, by Posterity&mdash;and
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page450" id = "page450">450</a></span>
+care not, if I repeat the word again&mdash;for what has this book done
+more than the Legation of <i>Moses</i>, or the Tale of a Tub, that it
+may not swim down the gutter of Time along with them?</p>
+
+<p>I will not argue the matter: Time wastes too fast: every letter I
+trace tells me with what rapidity Life follows my pen; the days and
+hours of it, more precious, my dear <i>Jenny!</i> than the rubies about
+thy neck, are flying over our heads like light clouds of a windy day,
+never to return more&mdash;&mdash;everything presses
+on&mdash;&mdash;whilst thou art twisting that lock,&mdash;&mdash;see! it
+grows grey; and every time I kiss thy hand to bid adieu, and every
+absence which follows it, are preludes to that eternal separation which
+we are shortly to <span class = "locked">make.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Heaven have mercy upon us both!</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapIX" id = "bookIX_chapIX">
+CHAPTER IX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Now</span>, for what the world thinks of
+that ejaculation&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;would not give a groat.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapX" id = "bookIX_chapX">
+CHAPTER X</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> mother had gone with her left arm
+twisted in my father’s right, till they had got to the fatal angle of
+the old garden wall, where Doctor <i>Slop</i> was overthrown by
+<i>Obadiah</i> on the coach-horse: as this was directly opposite to the
+front of Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i> house, when my father came to it, he gave
+a look across; and seeing my uncle <i>Toby</i> and the corporal within
+ten paces of the door, he turn’d about&mdash;&mdash;“Let us just stop a
+moment, quoth my father, and see with what ceremonies my brother
+<i>Toby</i> and his man <i>Trim</i> make their first
+entry&mdash;&mdash;it will not detain us, added my father, a&nbsp;single
+minute:”&mdash;&mdash;No matter, if it be ten minutes, quoth my
+mother.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It will not detain us half one; said my father.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal was just then setting in with the story of his brother
+<i>Tom</i> and the <i>Jew’s</i> widow: the story went on&mdash;and
+on&mdash;&mdash;it had episodes in it&mdash;&mdash;it came back, and
+went on&mdash;&mdash;and on again; there was no end of
+it&mdash;&mdash;the reader found it very <span class =
+"locked">long&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;G&mdash; help my father! he pish’d fifty times at every
+new attitude, and gave the corporal’s stick, with all its flourishings
+and dangling, to as many devils as chose to accept of them.</p>
+
+<p>When issues of events like these my father is waiting for, are
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page451" id = "page451">451</a></span>
+hanging in the scales of fate, the mind has the advantage of changing
+the principle of expectation three times, without which it would not
+have power to see it out.</p>
+
+<p>Curiosity governs the <i>first moment</i>; and the second moment is
+all œconomy to justify the expence of the first&mdash;&mdash;and for the
+third, fourth, fifth, and sixth moments, and so on to the day of
+judgment&mdash;’tis a point of <span class =
+"smallcaps">Honour</span>.</p>
+
+<p>I need not be told, that the ethic writers have assigned this all to
+Patience; but that <span class = "smallcaps">Virtue</span>, methinks,
+has extent of dominion sufficient of her own, and enough to do in it,
+without invading the few dismantled castles which <span class =
+"smallcaps">Honour</span> has left him upon the earth.</p>
+
+<p>My father stood it out as well as he could with these three
+auxiliaries to the end of <i>Trim’s</i> story; and from thence to the
+end of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> panegyrick upon arms, in the chapter
+following it; when seeing, that instead of marching up to Mrs.
+<i>Wadman’s</i> door, they both faced about and march’d down the avenue
+diametrically opposite to his expectation&mdash;he broke out at once
+with that little subacid soreness of humour which, in certain
+situations, distinguished his character from that of all other men.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXI" id = "bookIX_chapXI">
+CHAPTER XI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;“<span class = "firstword">Now</span> what can their
+two noddles be about?” cried my father -&nbsp;- &amp;c.
+-&nbsp;-&nbsp;-&nbsp;-</p>
+
+<p>I dare say, said my mother, they are making
+fortifications&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Not on Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i> premises! cried my
+father, stepping <span class = "locked">back&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>I suppose not: quoth my mother.</p>
+
+<p>I wish, said my father, raising his voice, the whole science of
+fortification at the devil, with all its trumpery of saps, mines,
+blinds, gabions, fausse-brays and <span class =
+"locked">cuvetts&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;They are foolish things&mdash;&mdash;said my
+mother.</p>
+
+<p>Now she had a way, which, by the bye, I would this moment give away
+my purple jerkin, and my yellow slippers into the bargain, if some of
+your reverences would imitate&mdash;and that was, never to refuse her
+assent and consent to any proposition my father laid before her, merely
+because she did not understand it, or had no ideas of the principal word
+or term of art, upon which the tenet or proposition rolled. She
+contented herself with doing all that her godfathers and godmothers
+promised for
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page452" id = "page452">452</a></span>
+her&mdash;but no more; and so would go on using a hard word twenty years
+together&mdash;and replying to it too, if it was a verb, in all its
+moods and tenses, without giving herself any trouble to enquire
+about&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>This was an eternal source of misery to my father, and broke the
+neck, at the first setting out, of more good dialogues between them,
+than could have done the most petulant contradiction&mdash;&mdash;the
+few which survived were the better for the <span class =
+"locked"><i>cuvetts</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;“They are foolish things;” said my mother.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Particularly the <i>cuvetts</i>; replied my father.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis enough&mdash;he tasted the sweet of triumph&mdash;and went
+on.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;Not that they are, properly speaking, Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i>
+premises, said my father, partly correcting himself&mdash;because she is
+but tenant for <span class = "locked">life&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;That makes a great difference&mdash;said my
+mother&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;In a fool’s head, replied my father&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Unless she should happen to have a child&mdash;said my
+mother&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But she must persuade my brother <i>Toby</i> first to
+get her <span class = "locked">one&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;To be sure, Mr. <i>Shandy</i>, quoth my mother.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Though if it comes to persuasion&mdash;said my
+father&mdash;Lord have mercy upon them.</p>
+
+<p>Amen: said my mother, <i>piano</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Amen: cried my father, <i>fortissimè</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Amen: said my mother again&mdash;&mdash;but with such a sighing
+cadence of personal pity at the end of it, as discomfited every fibre
+about my father&mdash;he instantly took out his almanack; but before he
+could untie it, <i>Yorick’s</i> congregation coming out of church,
+became a full answer to one half of his business with it&mdash;and my
+mother telling him it was a sacrament day&mdash;left him as little in
+doubt, as to the other part&mdash;He put his almanack into his
+pocket.</p>
+
+<p>The first Lord of the Treasury thinking of <i>ways and means</i>,
+could not have returned home with a more embarrassed look.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXII" id = "bookIX_chapXII">
+CHAPTER XII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Upon</span> looking back from the end of
+the last chapter, and surveying the texture of what has been wrote, it
+is necessary, that upon this page and the three following, a&nbsp;good
+quantity of heterogeneous matter be inserted to keep up that just
+balance betwixt wisdom and folly, without which a book would not hold
+together
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page453" id = "page453">453</a></span>
+a single year: nor is it a poor creeping digression (which but for the
+name of, a&nbsp;man might continue as well going on in the king’s
+highway) which will do the business&mdash;&mdash;no; if it is to be a
+digression, it must be a good frisky one, and upon a frisky subject too,
+where neither the horse or his rider are to be caught, but by
+rebound.</p>
+
+<p>The only difficulty, is raising powers suitable to the nature of the
+service: <span class = "smallcaps">Fancy</span> is
+capricious&mdash;<span class = "smallcaps">Wit</span> must not be
+searched for&mdash;and <span class = "smallcaps">Pleasantry</span>
+(good-natured slut as she&nbsp;is) will not come in at a call, was an
+empire to be laid at her feet.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The best way for a man is to say his
+prayers&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Only if it puts him in mind of his infirmities and defects as well
+ghostly as bodily&mdash;for that purpose, he will find himself rather
+worse after he has said them than before&mdash;for other purposes,
+better.</p>
+
+<p>For my own part, there is not a way either moral or mechanical under
+heaven that I could think of, which I have not taken with myself in this
+case: sometimes by addressing myself directly to the soul herself, and
+arguing the point over and over again with her upon the extent of her
+own <span class = "locked">faculties&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I never could make them an inch the
+wider&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Then by changing my system, and trying what could be made of it upon
+the body, by temperance, soberness, and chastity: These are good, quoth
+I, in themselves&mdash;they are good, absolutely;&mdash;they are good,
+relatively;&mdash;they are good for health&mdash;they are good for
+happiness in this world&mdash;they are good for happiness in the <span
+class = "locked">next&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>In short, they were good for everything but the thing wanted; and
+there they were good for nothing, but to leave the soul just as heaven
+made it: as for the theological virtues of faith and hope, they give it
+courage; but then that snivelling virtue of Meekness (as&nbsp;my father
+would always call&nbsp;it) takes it quite away again, so you are exactly
+where you started.</p>
+
+<p>Now in all common and ordinary cases, there is nothing which I have
+found to answer so well as <span class =
+"locked">this&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Certainly, if there is any dependence upon Logic, and
+that I am not blinded by self-love, there must be something of true
+genius about me, merely upon this symptom of it, that I do not know what
+envy is: for never do I hit upon any invention or device which tendeth
+to the furtherance of good writing, but I instantly make it public;
+willing that all mankind should write as well as myself.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Which they certainly will, when they think as
+little.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page454" id = "page454">454</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXIII" id = "bookIX_chapXIII">
+CHAPTER XIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Now</span> in ordinary cases, that is, when
+I am only stupid, and the thoughts rise heavily and pass gummous through
+my <span class = "locked">pen&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Or that I am got, I know not how, into a cold unmetaphorical vein of
+infamous writing, and cannot take a plumb-lift out of it <i>for my
+soul</i>; so must be obliged to go on writing like a <i>Dutch</i>
+commentator to the end of the chapter, unless something be <span class =
+"locked">done&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I never stand conferring with pen and ink one moment;
+for if a pinch of snuff, or a stride or two across the room will not do
+the business for me&mdash;I&nbsp;take a razor at once; and having tried
+the edge of it upon the palm of my hand, without further ceremony,
+except that of first lathering my beard, I&nbsp;shave it off; taking
+care only if I do leave a hair, that it be not a grey one: this done,
+I&nbsp;change my shirt&mdash;put on a better coat&mdash;send for my last
+wig&mdash;put my topaz ring upon my finger; and in a word, dress myself
+from one end to the other of me, after my best fashion.</p>
+
+<p>Now the devil in hell must be in it, if this does not do: for
+consider, Sir, as every man chuses to be present at the shaving of his
+own beard (though there is no rule without an exception), and
+unavoidably sits over-against himself the whole time it is doing, in
+case he has a hand in it&mdash;the Situation, like all others, has
+notions of her own to put into the <span class =
+"locked">brain.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;I maintain it, the conceits of a rough-bearded man, are
+seven years more terse and juvenile for one single operation; and if
+they did not run a risk of being quite shaved away, might be carried up
+by continual shavings, to the highest pitch of sublimity&mdash;How
+<i>Homer</i> could write with so long a beard, I&nbsp;don’t
+know&mdash;&mdash;and as it makes against my hypothesis, I&nbsp;as
+little care&mdash;&mdash;But let us return to the Toilet.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ludovicus Sorbonensis</i> makes this entirely an affair of the
+body (<span class = "greek" title = "exôterikê praxis">ἐξωτερικὴ
+πρᾶξις</span>) as he calls it&mdash;&mdash;but he is deceived: the soul
+and body are joint-sharers in everything they get: A&nbsp;man cannot
+dress, but his ideas get cloath’d at the same time; and if he dresses
+like a gentleman, every one of them stands presented to his imagination,
+genteelized along with him&mdash;so that he has nothing to do, but take
+his pen, and write like himself.</p>
+
+<p>For this cause, when your honours and reverences would know whether I
+writ clean and fit to be read, you will be able
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page455" id = "page455">455</a></span>
+to judge full as well by looking into my Laundress’s bill, as my book:
+there was one single month in which I can make it appear, that I dirtied
+one and thirty shirts with clean writing; and after all, was more
+abus’d, cursed, criticis’d, and confounded, and had more mystic heads
+shaken at me, for what I had wrote in that one month, than in all the
+other months of that year put together.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But their honours and reverences had not seen my
+bills.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXIV" id = "bookIX_chapXIV">
+CHAPTER XIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> I never had any intention of
+beginning the Digression I am making all this preparation for, till I
+come to the 15th chapter&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have this chapter to put to
+whatever use I think proper&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;have twenty this moment
+ready for it&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;could write my chapter of Button-holes
+in <span class = "locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Or my chapter of <i>Pishes</i>, which should follow
+them&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Or my chapter of <i>Knots</i>, in case their reverences have done
+with them&mdash;&mdash;they might lead me into mischief: the safest way
+is to follow the track of the learned, and raise objections against what
+I have been writing, tho’ I&nbsp;declare beforehand, I&nbsp;know no more
+than my heels how to answer them.</p>
+
+<p>And first, it may be said, there is a pelting kind of
+<i>thersitical</i> satire, as black as the very ink ’tis wrote
+with&mdash;&mdash;(and by the bye, whoever says so, is indebted to the
+muster-master general of the <i>Grecian</i> army, for suffering the name
+of so ugly and foul-mouth’d a man as <i>Thersites</i> to continue upon
+his roll&mdash;&mdash;for it has furnish’d him with an
+epithet)&mdash;&mdash;in these productions he will urge, all the
+personal washings and scrubbings upon earth do a sinking genius no sort
+of good&mdash;&mdash;but just the contrary, inasmuch as the dirtier the
+fellow is, the better generally he succeeds in&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>To this, I have no other answer&mdash;&mdash;at least
+ready&mdash;&mdash;but that the Archbishop of <i>Benevento</i> wrote his
+<i>nasty</i> Romance of the <i>Galatea</i>, as all the world knows, in a
+purple coat, waistcoat, and purple pair of breeches; and that the
+penance set him of writing a commentary upon the book of the
+<i>Revelations</i>, as severe as it was look’d upon by one part of the
+world, was far from being deem’d so by the other, upon the single
+account of that <i>Investment</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Another objection, to all this remedy, is its want of universality;
+forasmuch as the shaving part of it, upon which so much stress is laid,
+by an unalterable law of nature excludes
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page456" id = "page456">456</a></span>
+one half of the species entirely from its use: all I can say is, that
+female writers, whether of <i>England</i>, or of <i>France</i>, must
+e’en go without <span class =
+"locked">it&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>As for the <i>Spanish</i> ladies&mdash;&mdash;I am in no sort of
+distress&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXV" id = "bookIX_chapXV">
+CHAPTER XV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">The</span> fifteenth chapter is come at
+last; and brings nothing with it but a sad signature of “How our
+pleasures slip from under us in this world!”</p>
+
+<p>For in talking of my digression&mdash;&mdash;I declare before heaven
+I have made it! What a strange creature is mortal man! said she.</p>
+
+<p>’Tis very true, said I&mdash;&mdash;but ’twere better to get all
+these things out of our heads, and return to my uncle <i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXVI" id = "bookIX_chapXVI">
+CHAPTER XVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> my uncle <i>Toby</i> and the
+corporal had marched down to the bottom of the avenue, they recollected
+their business lay the other way; so they faced about and marched up
+straight to Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i> door.</p>
+
+<p>I warrant your honour; said the corporal, touching his
+<i>Montero</i>-cap with his hand, as he passed him in order to give a
+knock at the door&mdash;&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i>, contrary to his
+invariable way of treating his faithful servant, said nothing good or
+bad: the truth was, he had not altogether marshal’d his ideas; he wish’d
+for another conference, and as the corporal was mounting up the three
+steps before the door&mdash;he hem’d twice&mdash;a&nbsp;portion of my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> most modest spirits fled, at each expulsion, towards
+the corporal; he stood with the rapper of the door suspended for a full
+minute in his hand, he scarce knew why. <i>Bridget</i> stood perdue
+within, with her finger and her thumb upon the latch, benumb’d with
+expectation; and Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>, with an eye ready to be deflowered
+again, sat breathless behind the window-curtain of her bed-chamber,
+watching their approach.</p>
+
+<p><i>Trim!</i> said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;but as he
+articulated the word, the minute expired, and <i>Trim</i> let fall the
+rapper.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> perceiving that all hopes of a conference were
+knock’d on the head by it&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;whistled Lillabullero.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page457" id = "page457">457</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXVII" id = "bookIX_chapXVII">
+CHAPTER XVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> Mrs. <i>Bridget’s</i> finger and
+thumb were upon the latch, the corporal did not knock as oft as
+perchance your honour’s taylor&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;might have taken my
+example something nearer home; for I owe mine, some five and twenty
+pounds at least, and wonder at the man’s <span class =
+"locked">patience&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But this is nothing at all to the world: only ’tis a
+cursed thing to be in debt, and there seems to be a fatality in the
+exchequers of some poor princes, particularly those of our house, which
+no Economy can bind down in irons: for my own part, I’m persuaded there
+is not any one prince, prelate, pope, or potentate, great or small upon
+earth, more desirous in his heart of keeping straight with the world
+than I am&mdash;&mdash;or who takes more likely means for it.
+I&nbsp;never give above half a guinea&mdash;&mdash;or walk with
+boots&mdash;&mdash;or cheapen tooth-picks&mdash;&mdash;or lay out a
+shilling upon a band-box the year round; and for the six months I’m in
+the country, I’m upon so small a scale, that with all the good temper in
+the world, I&nbsp;outdo <i>Rousseau</i>, a&nbsp;bar
+length&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;for I keep neither man or boy, or horse, or
+cow, or dog, or cat, or anything that can eat or drink, except a thin
+poor piece of a Vestal (to&nbsp;keep my fire&nbsp;in), and who has
+generally as bad an appetite as myself&mdash;&mdash;but if you think
+this makes a philosopher of me&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;would not my good
+people! give a rush for your judgments.</p>
+
+<p>True philosophy&mdash;&mdash;but there is no treating the subject
+whilst my uncle is whistling Lillabullero.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Let us go into the house.</p>
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page458" id = "page458">458</a></span>
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXVIII" id = "bookIX_chapXVIII">
+CHAPTER XVIII</a></h4>
+
+<p><img src = "images/onedot.gif" width = "12" height = "450" alt =
+"[blank space]" /></p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page459" id = "page459">459</a></span>
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXIX" id = "bookIX_chapXIX">
+CHAPTER XIX</a></h4>
+<p><img src = "images/onedot.gif" width = "12" height = "450" alt =
+"[blank space]" /></p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page460" id = "page460">460</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXX" id = "bookIX_chapXX">
+CHAPTER XX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *</span></p>
+
+<p>* &emsp; &emsp; <span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
+* * * *</span>
+.&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;You shall see the very place, Madam; said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> blush’d&mdash;&mdash;look’d towards the
+door&mdash;&mdash;turn’d pale&mdash;&mdash;blush’d slightly
+again&mdash;&mdash;recover’d her natural colour&mdash;&mdash;blush’d
+worse than ever; which, for the sake of the unlearned reader,
+I&nbsp;translate <span class = "locked">thus&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<div class = "ital">
+<p>“L&mdash;d! I cannot look at it&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p>&nbsp; What would the world say if I look’d at it?</p>
+<p>&nbsp; I should drop down, if I look’d at it&mdash;</p>
+<p>&nbsp; I wish I could look at it&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p>&nbsp; There can be no sin in looking at it.</p>
+<p>&nbsp; &mdash;&mdash;I will look at it.”</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Whilst all this was running through Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i> imagination,
+my uncle <i>Toby</i> had risen from the sopha, and got to the other side
+of the parlour door, to give <i>Trim</i> an order about it in the <span
+class = "locked">passage&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>*&emsp; &emsp; &emsp; <span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * *
+* * * * * * *</span></p>
+
+<p><span class = "space35">* </span>*&mdash;&mdash;I believe it is in
+the garret, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;saw it there,
+an’ please your honour, this morning, answered
+<i>Trim</i>&mdash;&mdash;Then prithee, step directly for it,
+<i>Trim</i>, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, and bring it into the
+parlour.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal did not approve of the orders, but most chearfully
+obeyed them. The first was not an act of his will&mdash;the second was;
+so he put on his <i>Montero</i>-cap, and went as fast as his lame knee
+would let him. My uncle <i>Toby</i> returned into the parlour, and sat
+himself down again upon the sopha.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;You shall lay your finger upon the place&mdash;said my
+uncle <i>Toby</i>.&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;will not touch it, however, quoth
+Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> to herself.</p>
+
+<p>This requires a second translation:&mdash;it shews what little
+knowledge is got by mere words&mdash;we must go up to the first
+springs.</p>
+
+<p>Now in order to clear up the mist which hangs upon
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page461" id = "page461">461</a></span>
+these three pages, I&nbsp;must endeavour to be as clear as possible
+myself.</p>
+
+<p>Rub your hands thrice across your foreheads&mdash;blow your
+noses&mdash;cleanse your emunctories&mdash;sneeze, my good
+people!&mdash;&mdash;God bless <span class =
+"locked">you&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>Now give me all the help you can.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXI" id = "bookIX_chapXXI">
+CHAPTER XXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> there are fifty different ends
+(counting all ends in&mdash;&mdash;as well civil as religious) for which
+a woman takes a husband, she first sets about and carefully weighs, then
+separates and distinguishes in her mind, which of all that number of
+ends is hers: then by discourse, enquiry, argumentation, and inference,
+she investigates and finds out whether she has got hold of the right
+one&mdash;&mdash;and if she has&mdash;&mdash;then, by pulling it gently
+this way and that way, she further forms a judgment, whether it will not
+break in the drawing.</p>
+
+<p>The imagery under which <i>Slawkenbergius</i> impresses this upon the
+reader’s fancy, in the beginning of his third Decad, is so ludicrous,
+that the honour I bear the sex, will not suffer me to quote
+it&mdash;&mdash;otherwise it is not destitute of humour.</p>
+
+<p>“She first, saith <i>Slawkenbergius</i>, stops the asse, and holding
+his halter in her left hand (lest he should get away) she thrusts her
+right hand into the very bottom of his pannier to search for
+it&mdash;For what?&mdash;you’ll not know the sooner, quoth
+<i>Slawkenbergius</i>, for interrupting <span class =
+"locked">me&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“I have nothing, good Lady, but empty bottles;” says the asse.</p>
+
+<p>“I’m loaded with tripes;” says the second.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And thou art little better, quoth she to the third; for
+nothing is there in thy panniers but trunk-hose and pantofles&mdash;and
+so to the fourth and fifth, going on one by one through the whole
+string, till coming to the asse which carries it, she turns the pannier
+upside down, looks at it&mdash;considers it&mdash;samples
+it&mdash;measures it&mdash;stretches it&mdash;wets it&mdash;dries
+it&mdash;then takes her teeth both to the warp and weft of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Of what? for the love of Christ!</p>
+
+<p>I am determined, answered <i>Slawkenbergius</i>, that all the powers
+upon earth shall never wring that secret from my breast.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page462" id = "page462">462</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXII" id = "bookIX_chapXXII">
+CHAPTER XXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">We</span> live in a world beset on all
+sides with mysteries and riddles&mdash;and so ’tis no
+matter&mdash;&mdash;else it seems strange, that Nature, who makes
+everything so well to answer its destination, and seldom or never errs,
+unless for pastime, in giving such forms and aptitudes to whatever
+passes through her hands, that whether she designs for the plough, the
+caravan, the cart&mdash;or whatever other creature she models, be it but
+an asse’s foal, you are sure to have the thing you wanted; and yet at
+the same time should so eternally bungle it as she does, in making so
+simple a thing as a married man.</p>
+
+<p>Whether it is in the choice of the clay&mdash;&mdash;or that it is
+frequently spoiled in the baking; by an excess of which a husband may
+turn out too crusty (you know) on one hand&mdash;&mdash;or not enough
+so, through defect of heat, on the other&mdash;&mdash;or whether this
+great Artificer is not so attentive to the little Platonic exigences
+<i>of that part</i> of the species, for whose use she is fabricating
+<i>this</i>&mdash;&mdash;or that her Ladyship sometimes scarce knows
+what sort of a husband will do&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;know not: we will
+discourse about it after supper.</p>
+
+<p>It is enough, that neither the observation itself, or the reasoning
+upon it, are at all to the purpose&mdash;&mdash;but rather against it;
+since with regard to my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> fitness for the marriage
+state, nothing was ever better: she had formed him of the best and
+kindliest clay&mdash;&mdash;had temper’d it with her own milk, and
+breathed into it the sweetest spirit&mdash;&mdash;she had made him all
+gentle, generous, and humane&mdash;&mdash;she had filled his heart with
+trust and confidence, and disposed every passage which led to it, for
+the communication of the tenderest offices&mdash;&mdash;she had moreover
+considered the other causes for which matrimony was <span class =
+"locked">ordained&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>And accordingly
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *</span>
+.</p>
+
+<p>The <span class = "smallroman">DONATION</span> was not defeated by my
+uncle <i>Toby’s</i> wound.</p>
+
+<p>Now this last article was somewhat apocryphal; and the Devil, who is
+the great disturber of our faiths in this world, had raised scruples in
+Mrs. <i>Wadman’s</i> brain about it; and like a true devil as he was,
+had done his own work at the same time, by turning my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> Virtue thereupon into nothing but <i>empty bottles</i>,
+<i>tripes</i>, <i>trunk-hose</i>, and <i>pantofles</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page463" id = "page463">463</a></span>
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXIII" id = "bookIX_chapXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Mrs</span>. <i>Bridget</i> had pawn’d all
+the little stock of honour a poor chambermaid was worth in the world,
+that she would get to the bottom of the affair in ten days; and it was
+built upon one of the most concessible <i>postulata</i> in nature:
+namely, that whilst my uncle <i>Toby</i> was making love to her
+mistress, the corporal could find nothing better to do, than make love
+to her&mdash;&mdash;“<i>And I’ll let him as much as he will</i>, said
+<i>Bridget</i>, <i>to get it out of him</i>.”</p>
+
+<p>Friendship has two garments; an outer and an under one.
+<i>Bridget</i> was serving her mistress’s interests in the one&mdash;and
+doing the thing which most pleased herself in the other; so had as many
+stakes depending upon my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> wound, as the Devil
+himself&mdash;&mdash;Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> had but one&mdash;and as it
+possibly might be her last (without discouraging Mrs. <i>Bridget</i>, or
+discrediting her talents) was determined to play her cards herself.</p>
+
+<p>She wanted not encouragement: a child might have look’d into his
+hand&mdash;&mdash;there was such a plainness and simplicity in his
+playing out what trumps he had&mdash;&mdash;with such an unmistrusting
+ignorance of the <i>ten-ace</i>&mdash;&mdash;and so naked and
+defenceless did he sit upon the same sopha with widow <i>Wadman</i>,
+that a generous heart would have wept to have won the game of him.</p>
+
+<p>Let us drop the metaphor.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXIV" id = "bookIX_chapXXIV">
+CHAPTER XXIV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">And</span> the story
+too&mdash;if you please: for though I have all along been hastening
+towards this part of it, with so much earnest desire, as well knowing it
+to be the choicest morsel of what I had to offer to the world, yet now
+that I am got to it, any one is welcome to take my pen, and go on with
+the story for me that will&mdash;I&nbsp;see the difficulties of the
+descriptions I’m going to give&mdash;and feel my want of powers.</p>
+
+<p>It is one comfort at least to me, that I lost some fourscore ounces
+of blood this week in a most uncritical fever which attacked me at the
+beginning of this chapter; so that I have still some hopes remaining, it
+may be more in the serous or globular parts of the blood, than in the
+subtile <i>aura</i> of the brain&mdash;&mdash;be it which it
+will&mdash;an Invocation can do no hurt&mdash;&mdash;and I leave the
+affair entirely to the <i>invoked</i>, to inspire or to inject me
+according as he sees good.</p>
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page464" id = "page464">464</a></span>
+
+<h5><a name = "bookIX_invoc" id = "bookIX_invoc">THE INVOCATION</a></h5>
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Gentle</span> Spirit of sweetest humour,
+who erst did sit upon the easy pen of my beloved <span class =
+"smallcaps">Cervantes</span>; Thou who glided’st daily through his
+lattice, and turned’st the twilight of his prison into noonday
+brightness by thy presence&mdash;&mdash;tinged’st his little urn of
+water with heaven-sent nectar, and all the time he wrote of
+<i>Sancho</i> and his master, didst cast thy mystic mantle o’er his
+wither’d stump,<a class = "tag" name = "tag_9_1" id = "tag_9_1" href =
+"#note_9_1">1</a> and wide extended it to all the evils of his <span
+class = "locked">life&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Turn in hither, I beseech thee!&mdash;&mdash;behold
+these breeches!&mdash;&mdash;they are all I have in the
+world&mdash;&mdash;that piteous rent was given them at <span class =
+"locked"><i>Lyons</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My shirts! see what a deadly schism has happen’d amongst
+’em&mdash;for the laps are in <i>Lombardy</i>, and the rest of ’em
+here&mdash;I&nbsp;never had but six, and a cunning gypsey of a laundress
+at <i>Milan</i> cut me off the <i>fore</i>-laps of five&mdash;To do her
+justice, she did it with some consideration&mdash;for I was returning
+out of <i>Italy</i>.</p>
+
+<p>And yet, notwithstanding all this, and a pistol tinderbox which was
+moreover filch’d from me at <i>Sienna</i>, and twice that I pay’d five
+Pauls for two hard eggs, once at <i>Raddicoffini</i>, and a second time
+at <i>Capua</i>&mdash;I&nbsp;do not think a journey through
+<i>France</i> and <i>Italy</i>, provided a man keeps his temper all the
+way, so bad a thing as some people would make you believe: there must be
+<i>ups</i> and <i>downs</i>, or how the duce should we get into vallies
+where Nature spreads so many tables of entertainment.&mdash;’Tis
+nonsense to imagine they will lend you their voitures to be shaken to
+pieces for nothing; and unless you pay twelve sous for greasing your
+wheels, how should the poor peasant get butter to his bread?&mdash;We
+really expect too much&mdash;and for the livre or two above par for your
+suppers and bed&mdash;at the most they are but one shilling and
+ninepence halfpenny&mdash;&mdash;who would embroil their philosophy for
+it? for heaven’s and for your own sake, pay it&mdash;&mdash;pay it with
+both hands open, rather than leave <i>Disappointment</i> sitting
+drooping upon the eye of your fair Hostess and her Damsels in the
+gateway, at your departure&mdash;&mdash;and besides, my dear Sir, you
+get a sisterly kiss of each of ’em worth a pound&mdash;&mdash;at least I
+<span class = "locked">did&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;For my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> amours running all the way
+in my head, they had the same effect upon me as if they had been my
+own&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;was in the most perfect state of bounty and
+good-will;
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page465" id = "page465">465</a></span>
+and felt the kindliest harmony vibrating within me, with every
+oscillation of the chaise alike; so that whether the roads were rough or
+smooth, it made no difference; everything I saw or had to do with,
+touch’d upon some secret spring either of sentiment or rapture.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;They were the sweetest notes I ever heard; and I
+instantly let down the fore-glass to hear them more
+distinctly&mdash;&mdash;’Tis <i>Maria</i>; said the postillion,
+observing I was listening&mdash;&mdash;Poor <i>Maria</i>, continued he
+(leaning his body on one side to let me see her, for he was in a line
+betwixt&nbsp;us), is sitting upon a bank playing her vespers upon her
+pipe, with her little goat beside her.</p>
+
+<p>The young fellow utter’d this with an accent and a look so perfectly
+in tune to a feeling heart, that I instantly made a vow, I&nbsp;would
+give him a four-and-twenty sous piece, when I got to <span class =
+"locked"><i>Moulins</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;And who is <i>poor Maria?</i> said I.</p>
+
+<p>The love and piety of all the villages around us; said the
+postillion&mdash;&mdash;it is but three years ago, that the sun did not
+shine upon so fair, so quick-witted and amiable a maid; and better fate
+did <i>Maria</i> deserve, than to have her Banns forbid, by the
+intrigues of the curate of the parish who published <span class =
+"locked">them&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>He was going on, when <i>Maria</i>, who had made a short pause, put
+the pipe to her mouth, and began the air again&mdash;&mdash;they were
+the same notes;&mdash;&mdash;yet were ten times sweeter: It is the
+evening service to the Virgin, said the young man&mdash;&mdash;but who
+has taught her to play it&mdash;or how she came by her pipe, no one
+knows; we think that heaven has assisted her in both; for ever since she
+has been unsettled in her mind, it seems her only
+consolation&mdash;&mdash;she has never once had the pipe out of her
+hand, but plays that <i>service</i> upon it almost night and day.</p>
+
+<p>The postillion delivered this with so much discretion and natural
+eloquence, that I could not help decyphering something in his face above
+his condition, and should have sifted out his history, had not poor
+<i>Maria</i> taken such full possession of&nbsp;me.</p>
+
+<p>We had got up by this time almost to the bank where <i>Maria</i> was
+sitting: she was in a thin white jacket, with her hair, all but two
+tresses, drawn up into a silk-net, with a few olive leaves twisted a
+little fantastically on one side&mdash;&mdash;she was beautiful; and if
+ever I felt the full force of an honest heart-ache, it was the moment I
+saw <span class = "locked">her&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;God help her! poor damsel! above a hundred masses,
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page466" id = "page466">466</a></span>
+said the postillion, have been said in the several parish churches and
+convents around, for her,&mdash;&mdash;but without effect; we have still
+hopes, as she is sensible for short intervals, that the Virgin at last
+will restore her to herself; but her parents, who know her best, are
+hopeless upon that score, and think her senses are lost for ever.</p>
+
+<p>As the postillion spoke this, <span class = "smallcaps">Maria</span>
+made a cadence so melancholy, so tender and querulous, that I sprung out
+of the chaise to help her, and found myself sitting betwixt her and her
+goat before I relapsed from my enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p><span class = "smallcaps">Maria</span> look’d wistfully for some time
+at me, and then at her goat&mdash;&mdash;and then at me&mdash;&mdash;and
+then at her goat again, and so on, <span class =
+"locked">alternately&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Well, <i>Maria</i>, said I softly&mdash;&mdash;What
+resemblance do you find?</p>
+
+<p>I do entreat the candid reader to believe me, that it was from the
+humblest conviction of what a <i>Beast</i> man is,&mdash;&mdash;that I
+asked the question; and that I would not have let fallen an unseasonable
+pleasantry in the venerable presence of Misery, to be entitled to all
+the wit that ever <i>Rabelais</i> scatter’d&mdash;&mdash;and yet I own
+my heart smote me, and that I so smarted at the very idea of it, that I
+swore I would set up for Wisdom, and utter grave sentences the rest of
+my days&mdash;&mdash;and never&mdash;&mdash;never attempt again to
+commit mirth with man, woman, or child, the longest day I had to
+live.</p>
+
+<p>As for writing nonsense to them&mdash;&mdash;I believe, there was a
+reserve&mdash;but that I leave to the world.</p>
+
+<p>Adieu, <i>Maria!</i>&mdash;adieu, poor hapless
+damsel!&mdash;&mdash;some time, but not <i>now</i>, I&nbsp;may hear thy
+sorrows from thy own lips&mdash;&mdash;but I was deceived; for that
+moment she took her pipe and told me such a tale of woe with it, that I
+rose up, and with broken and irregular steps walk’d softly to my
+chaise.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;What an excellent inn at <i>Moulins!</i></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXV" id = "bookIX_chapXXV">
+CHAPTER XXV</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">When</span> we have got to the end of this
+chapter (but not before) we must all turn back to the two blank
+chapters, on the account of which my honour has lain bleeding this half
+hour&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;stop it, by pulling off one of my yellow
+slippers and throwing it with all my violence to the opposite side of my
+room, with a declaration at the heel of <span class =
+"locked">it&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page467" id = "page467">467</a></span>
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;That whatever resemblance it may bear to half the
+chapters which are written in the world, or for aught I know may be now
+writing in it&mdash;that it was as casual as the foam of <i>Zeuxis</i>
+his horse; besides, I&nbsp;look upon a chapter which has <i>only nothing
+in it</i>, with respect; and considering what worse things there are in
+the world&mdash;&mdash;That it is no way a proper subject for <span
+class = "locked">satire&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Why then was it left so? And here without staying for
+my reply, shall I be called as many blockheads, numsculs, doddypoles,
+dunderheads, ninny-hammers, goosecaps, joltheads, nincompoops, and
+sh-&nbsp;-t-a-beds&mdash;&mdash;and other unsavoury appellations, as
+ever the cake-bakers of <i>Lernè</i> cast in the teeth of King
+<i>Garangantan’s</i> shepherds&mdash;&mdash;And I’ll let them do it, as
+<i>Bridget</i> said, as much as they please; for how was it possible
+they should foresee the necessity I was under of writing the 25th
+chapter of my book, before the 18th, &amp;c.?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;So I don’t take it amiss&mdash;&mdash;All I wish
+is, that it may be a lesson to the world, “<i>to let people tell their
+stories their own way</i>.”</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXVIIIb" id = "bookIX_chapXVIIIb">
+THE EIGHTEENTH CHAPTER</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">As</span> Mrs. <i>Bridget</i> opened the
+door before the corporal had well given the rap, the interval betwixt
+that and my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> introduction into the parlour, was so
+short, that Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> had but just time to get from behind the
+curtain&mdash;&mdash;lay a Bible upon the table, and advance a step or
+two towards the door to receive him.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> saluted Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>, after the manner in
+which women were saluted by men in the year of our Lord God one thousand
+seven hundred and thirteen&mdash;&mdash;then facing about, he march’d up
+abreast with her to the sopha, and in three plain
+words&mdash;&mdash;though not before he was sat down&mdash;&mdash;nor
+after he was sat down&mdash;&mdash;but as he was sitting down, told her,
+“<i>he was in love</i>”&mdash;&mdash;so that my uncle <i>Toby</i>
+strained himself more in the declaration than he needed.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> naturally looked down, upon a slit she had been
+darning up in her apron, in expectation every moment, that my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> would go on; but having no talents for amplification, and
+Love moreover of all others being a subject of which he was the least a
+master&mdash;&mdash;When he had told Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> once that he
+loved her, he let it alone, and left the matter to work after its own
+way.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page468" id = "page468">468</a></span>
+<p>My father was always in raptures with this system of my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i>, as he falsely called it, and would often say, that could
+his brother <i>Toby</i> to his process have added but a pipe of
+tobacco&mdash;&mdash;he had wherewithal to have found his way, if there
+was faith in a <i>Spanish</i> proverb, towards the hearts of half the
+women upon the globe.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> never understood what my father meant; nor will
+I presume to extract more from it, than a condemnation of an error which
+the bulk of the world lie under&mdash;&mdash;but the <i>French</i> every
+one of ’em to a man, who believe in it, almost, as much as the <span
+class = "smallroman">REAL PRESENCE</span>, “<i>That talking of love, is
+making it</i>.”</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;I would as soon set about making a black-pudding
+by the same receipt.</p>
+
+<p>Let us go on: Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> sat in expectation my uncle
+<i>Toby</i> would do so, to almost the first pulsation of that minute,
+wherein silence on one side or the other, generally becomes indecent: so
+edging herself a little more towards him, and raising up her eyes,
+sub-blushing, as she did it&mdash;&mdash;she took up the
+gauntlet&mdash;&mdash;or the discourse (if&nbsp;you like it better) and
+communed with my uncle <i>Toby</i>, thus:</p>
+
+<p>The cares and disquietudes of the marriage state, quoth Mrs.
+<i>Wadman</i>, are very great. I&nbsp;suppose so&mdash;said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>: and therefore when a person, continued Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>,
+is so much at his ease as you are&mdash;so happy, captain <i>Shandy</i>,
+in yourself, your friends and your amusements&mdash;I&nbsp;wonder, what
+reasons can incline you to the <span class =
+"locked">state&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;They are written, quoth my uncle <i>Toby</i>, in the
+Common-Prayer Book.</p>
+
+<p>Thus far my uncle <i>Toby</i> went on warily, and kept within his
+depth, leaving Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> to sail upon the gulph as she
+pleased.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;As for children&mdash;said Mrs.
+<i>Wadman</i>&mdash;though a principal end perhaps of the institution,
+and the natural wish, I&nbsp;suppose, of every parent&mdash;yet do not
+we all find, they are certain sorrows, and very uncertain comforts? and
+what is there, dear sir, to pay one for the heart-aches&mdash;what
+compensation for the many tender and disquieting apprehensions of a
+suffering and defenceless mother who brings them into life?
+I&nbsp;declare, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, smit with pity, I&nbsp;know
+of none; unless it be the pleasure which it has pleased <span class =
+"locked">God&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>A fiddlestick! quoth she.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page469" id = "page469">469</a></span>
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXIXb" id = "bookIX_chapXIXb">
+CHAPTER THE NINETEENTH</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Now</span> there are such an infinitude of
+notes, tunes, cants, chants, airs, looks, and accents with which the
+word <i>fiddlestick</i> may be pronounced in all such causes as this,
+every one of ’em impressing a sense and meaning as different from the
+other, as <i>dirt</i> from <i>cleanliness</i>&mdash;That Casuists (for
+it is an affair of conscience on that score) reckon up no less than
+fourteen thousand in which you may do either right or wrong.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> hit upon the <i>fiddlestick</i>, which summoned up
+all my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> modest blood into his cheeks&mdash;so feeling
+within himself that he had somehow or other got beyond his depth, he
+stopt short; and without entering further either into the pains or
+pleasures of matrimony, he laid his hand upon his heart, and made an
+offer to take them as they were, and share them along with her.</p>
+
+<p>When my uncle <i>Toby</i> had said this, he did not care to say it
+again; so casting his eye upon the Bible which Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> had
+laid upon the table, he took it up; and popping, dear soul! upon a
+passage in it, of all others the most interesting to him&mdash;which was
+the siege of <i>Jericho</i>&mdash;he set himself to read it
+over&mdash;leaving his proposal of marriage, as he had done his
+declaration of love, to work with her after its own way. Now it wrought
+neither as an astringent or a loosener; nor like opium, or bark, or
+mercury, or buckthorn, or any one drug which nature had bestowed upon
+the world&mdash;in short, it work’d not at all in her; and the cause of
+that was, that there was something working there
+before&mdash;&mdash;Babbler that I am! I&nbsp;have anticipated what it
+was a dozen times; but there is fire still in the
+subject&mdash;&mdash;allons.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXVI" id = "bookIX_chapXXVI">
+CHAPTER XXVI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> is natural for a perfect stranger
+who is going from <i>London</i> to <i>Edinburgh</i>, to enquire before
+he sets out, how many miles to <i>York</i>; which is about the half
+way&mdash;&mdash;nor does anybody wonder, if he goes on and asks about
+the corporation, <span class = "locked">&amp;c.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>It was just as natural for Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>, whose first husband
+was all his time afflicted with a Sciatica, to wish to know how far from
+the hip to the groin; and how far she was likely to suffer more or less
+in her feelings, in the one case than in the other.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page470" id = "page470">470</a></span>
+<p>She had accordingly read <i>Drake’s</i> anatomy from one end to the
+other. She had peeped into <i>Wharton</i> upon the brain, and borrowed<a
+class = "tag" name = "tag_9_2" id = "tag_9_2" href = "#note_9_2">2</a>
+<i>Graaf</i> upon the bones and muscles; but could make nothing
+of&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>She had reason’d likewise from her own powers&mdash;&mdash;laid down
+theorems&mdash;&mdash;drawn consequences, and come to no conclusion.</p>
+
+<p>To clear up all, she had twice asked Doctor <i>Slop</i>, “if poor
+captain <i>Shandy</i> was ever likely to recover of his
+wound&mdash;&mdash;?”</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;He is recovered, Doctor <i>Slop</i> would
+say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>What! quite?</p>
+
+<p>Quite: madam&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>But what do you mean by a recovery? Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> would say.</p>
+
+<p>Doctor <i>Slop</i> was the worst man alive at definitions; and so
+Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> could get no knowledge: in short, there was no way to
+extract it, but from my uncle <i>Toby</i> himself.</p>
+
+<p>There is an accent of humanity in an enquiry of this kind which lulls
+<span class = "smallcaps">Suspicion</span> to rest&mdash;&mdash;and I am
+half persuaded the serpent got pretty near it, in his discourse with
+Eve; for the propensity in the sex to be deceived could not be so great,
+that she should have boldness to hold chat with the devil, without
+it&mdash;&mdash;But there is an accent of humanity&mdash;&mdash;how
+shall I describe it?&mdash;’tis an accent which covers the part with a
+garment, and gives the enquirer a right to be as particular with it, as
+your body-surgeon.</p>
+
+<p>“&mdash;&mdash;Was it without remission?&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>“&mdash;&mdash;Was it more tolerable in bed?</p>
+
+<p>“&mdash;&mdash;Could he lie on both sides alike with it?</p>
+
+<p>“&mdash;Was he able to mount a horse?</p>
+
+<p>“&mdash;Was motion bad for it?” <i>et cætera</i>, were so tenderly
+spoke to, and so directed towards my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> heart, that
+every item of them sunk ten times deeper into it than the evils
+themselves&mdash;&mdash;but when Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> went round about by
+<i>Namur</i> to get at my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> groin; and engaged him to
+attack the point of the advanced counterscarp, and <i>pĂŞle mĂŞle</i> with
+the <i>Dutch</i> to take the counterguard of St. <i>Roch</i> sword in
+hand&mdash;and then with tender notes playing upon his ear, led him all
+bleeding by the hand out of the trench, wiping her eye, as he was
+carried to his tent&mdash;&mdash;Heaven! Earth! Sea!&mdash;all was
+lifted up&mdash;the springs of nature rose above their levels&mdash;an
+angel of mercy sat besides him on the sopha&mdash;his heart glow’d with
+fire&mdash;and had he been
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page471" id = "page471">471</a></span>
+worth a thousand, he had lost every heart of them to Mrs.
+<i>Wadman</i>.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;And whereabouts, dear Sir, quoth Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>, a little
+categorically, did you receive this sad blow?&mdash;&mdash;In asking
+this question, Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> gave a slight glance towards the
+waistband of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> red plush breeches, expecting
+naturally, as the shortest reply to it, that my uncle <i>Toby</i> would
+lay his forefinger upon the place&mdash;&mdash;It fell out
+otherwise&mdash;&mdash;for my uncle <i>Toby</i> having got his wound
+before the gate of St. <i>Nicolas</i>, in one of the traverses of the
+trench opposite to the salient angle of the demibastion of St.
+<i>Roch</i>; he could at any time stick a pin upon the identical spot of
+ground where he was standing when the stone struck him: this struck
+instantly upon my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> sensorium&mdash;&mdash;and with
+it, struck his large map of the town and citadel of <i>Namur</i> and its
+environs, which he had purchased and pasted down upon a board, by the
+corporal’s aid, during his long illness&mdash;&mdash;it had lain with
+other military lumber in the garret ever since, and accordingly the
+corporal was detached into the garret to fetch&nbsp;it.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> measured off thirty toises, with Mrs.
+<i>Wadman’s</i> scissars, from the returning angle before the gate of
+St. <i>Nicolas</i>; and with such a virgin modesty laid her finger upon
+the place, that the goddess of Decency, if then in being&mdash;if not,
+’twas her shade&mdash;shook her head, and with a finger wavering across
+her eyes&mdash;forbid her to explain the mistake.</p>
+
+<p>Unhappy Mrs. <i>Wadman!</i></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;For nothing can make this chapter go off with spirit
+but an apostrophe to thee&mdash;&mdash;but my heart tells me, that in
+such a crisis an apostrophe is but an insult in disguise, and ere I
+would offer one to a woman in distress&mdash;let the chapter go to the
+devil; provided any damn’d critic <i>in keeping</i> will be but at the
+trouble to take it with him.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXVII" id = "bookIX_chapXXVII">
+CHAPTER XXVII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> uncle <i>Toby’s</i> Map is
+carried down into the kitchen.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXVIII" id = "bookIX_chapXXVIII">
+CHAPTER XXVIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">And</span> here is the
+<i>Maes</i>&mdash;and this is the <i>Sambre</i>; said the corporal,
+pointing with his right hand extended a little towards
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page472" id = "page472">472</a></span>
+the map and his left upon Mrs. <i>Bridget’s</i>
+shoulder&mdash;&mdash;but not the shoulder next him&mdash;and this, said
+he, is the town of <i>Namur</i>&mdash;and this the citadel&mdash;and
+there lay the <i>French</i>&mdash;and here lay his honour and
+myself&mdash;&mdash;and in this cursed trench, Mrs. <i>Bridget</i>,
+quoth the corporal, taking her by the hand, did he receive the wound
+which crush’d him so miserably <i>here</i>.&mdash;&mdash;In pronouncing
+which, he slightly press’d the back of her hand towards the part he felt
+for&mdash;&mdash;and let it fall.</p>
+
+<p>We thought, Mr. <i>Trim</i>, it had been more in the
+middle,&mdash;&mdash;said Mrs. <span class =
+"locked"><i>Bridget</i>&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>That would have undone us for ever&mdash;said the corporal.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;And left my poor mistress undone too, said
+<i>Bridget</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal made no reply to the repartee, but by giving Mrs.
+<i>Bridget</i> a kiss.</p>
+
+<p>Come&mdash;come&mdash;said <i>Bridget</i>&mdash;holding the palm of
+her left hand parallel to the plane of the horizon, and sliding the
+fingers of the other over it, in a way which could not have been done,
+had there been the least wart or protuberance&mdash;&mdash;’Tis every
+syllable of it false, cried the corporal, before she had half finished
+the <span class = "locked">sentence&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;I know it to be fact, said <i>Bridget</i>, from credible
+witnesses.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Upon my honour, said the corporal, laying his
+hand upon his heart and blushing, as he spoke, with honest
+resentment&mdash;’tis a story, Mrs. <i>Bridget</i>, as false as
+hell&mdash;&mdash;Not, said <i>Bridget</i>, interrupting him, that
+either I or my mistress care a halfpenny about it, whether ’tis so or
+no&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;only that when one is married, one would chuse to
+have such a thing by one at <span class =
+"locked">least&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>It was somewhat unfortunate for Mrs. <i>Bridget</i>, that she had
+begun the attack with her manual exercise; for the corporal instantly
+<span class = "space35">* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *</span>
+.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXIX" id = "bookIX_chapXXIX">
+CHAPTER XXIX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">It</span> was like the momentary contest in
+the moist eye-lids of an <i>April</i> morning, “Whether <i>Bridget</i>
+should laugh or cry.”</p>
+
+<p>She snatched up a rolling-pin&mdash;&mdash;’twas ten to one, she had
+laugh’d&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>She laid it down&mdash;&mdash;she cried; and had one single tear of
+’em but tasted of bitterness, full sorrowful would the corporal’s
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page473" id = "page473">473</a></span>
+heart have been that he had used the argument; but the corporal
+understood the sex, a&nbsp;<i>quart major to a terce</i> at least,
+better than my uncle <i>Toby</i>, and accordingly he assailed Mrs.
+<i>Bridget</i> after this manner.</p>
+
+<p>I know, Mrs. <i>Bridget</i>, said the corporal, giving her a most
+respectful kiss, that thou art good and modest by nature, and art withal
+so generous a girl in thyself, that, if I know thee rightly, thou
+would’st not wound an insect, much less the honour of so gallant and
+worthy a soul as my master, wast thou sure to be made a countess
+of&mdash;&mdash;but thou hast been set on, and deluded, dear
+<i>Bridget</i>, as is often a woman’s case, “to please others more than
+themselves&mdash;&mdash;”</p>
+
+<p><i>Bridget’s</i> eyes poured down at the sensations the corporal
+excited.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Tell me&mdash;&mdash;tell me, then, my dear
+<i>Bridget</i>, continued the corporal, taking hold of her hand, which
+hung down dead by her side,&mdash;&mdash;and, giving a second
+kiss&mdash;&mdash;whose suspicion has misled thee?</p>
+
+<p><i>Bridget</i> sobb’d a sob or two&mdash;&mdash;then open’d her
+eyes&mdash;&mdash;the corporal wiped ’em with the bottom of her
+apron&mdash;&mdash;she then open’d her heart and told him all.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXX" id = "bookIX_chapXXX">
+CHAPTER XXX</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">My</span> uncle <i>Toby</i> and the
+corporal had gone on separately with their operations the greatest part
+of the campaign, and as effectually cut off from all communication of
+what either the one or the other had been doing, as if they had been
+separated from each other by the <i>Maes</i> or the <i>Sambre</i>.</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i>, on his side, had presented himself every
+afternoon in his red and silver, and blue and gold alternately, and
+sustained an infinity of attacks in them, without knowing them to be
+attacks&mdash;and so had nothing to <span class =
+"locked">communicate&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The corporal, on his side, in taking <i>Bridget</i>, by it had gain’d
+considerable advantages&mdash;&mdash;and consequently had much to
+communicate&mdash;&mdash;but what were the advantages&mdash;&mdash;as
+well as what was the manner by which he had seiz’d them, required so
+nice an historian, that the corporal durst not venture upon it; and as
+sensible as he was of glory, would rather have been contented to have
+gone bareheaded and without laurels for ever, than torture his master’s
+modesty for a single <span class =
+"locked">moment&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Best of honest and gallant servants!&mdash;&mdash;But I
+have
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page474" id = "page474">474</a></span>
+apostrophiz’d thee, <i>Trim!</i> once before&mdash;&mdash;and could I
+apotheosize thee also (that is to say) with good
+company&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;would do it <i>without ceremony</i> in the
+very next page.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXXI" id = "bookIX_chapXXXI">
+CHAPTER XXXI</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">Now</span> my uncle <i>Toby</i> had one
+evening laid down his pipe upon the table, and was counting over to
+himself upon his finger ends (beginning at his thumb) all Mrs.
+<i>Wadman’s</i> perfections one by one; and happening two or three times
+together, either by omitting some, or counting others twice over, to
+puzzle himself sadly before he could get beyond his middle
+finger&mdash;&mdash;Prithee, <i>Trim!</i> said he, taking up his pipe
+again,&mdash;&mdash;bring me a pen and ink: <i>Trim</i> brought paper
+also.</p>
+
+<p>Take a full sheet&mdash;&mdash;<i>Trim!</i> said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, making a sign with his pipe at the same time to take a
+chair and sit down close by him at the table. The corporal
+obeyed&mdash;&mdash;placed the paper directly before
+him&mdash;&mdash;took a pen, and dipp’d it in the ink.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;She has a thousand virtues, <i>Trim!</i> said my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Am I to set them down, an’ please your honour? quoth the
+corporal.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But they must be taken in their ranks, replied my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>; for of them all, <i>Trim</i>, that which wins me most, and
+which is a security for all the rest, is the compassionate turn and
+singular humanity of her character&mdash;I&nbsp;protest, added my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>, looking up, as he protested it, towards the top of the <ins
+class = "correction"
+title = "text reads ‘cieling’ [word occurs elsewhere]">ceiling</ins>&mdash;&mdash;That was I her brother,
+<i>Trim</i>, a&nbsp;thousand fold, she could not make more constant or
+more tender enquiries after my sufferings&mdash;&mdash;though now no
+more.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal made no reply to my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> protestation,
+but by a short cough&mdash;he dipp’d the pen a second time into the
+inkhorn; and my uncle <i>Toby</i>, pointing with the end of his pipe as
+close to the top of the sheet at the left hand corner of it, as he could
+get it&mdash;&mdash;the corporal wrote down the word HUMANITY
+-&nbsp;-&nbsp;-&nbsp;- thus.</p>
+
+<p>Prithee, corporal, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, as soon as <i>Trim</i>
+had done it&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;how often does Mrs. <i>Bridget</i>
+enquire after the wound on the cap of thy knee, which thou received’st
+at the battle of <i>Landen?</i></p>
+
+<p>She never, an’ please your honour, enquires after it at all.</p>
+
+<p>That, corporal, said my uncle <i>Toby</i>, with all the triumph the
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page475" id = "page475">475</a></span>
+goodness of his nature would permit&mdash;&mdash;That shews the
+difference in the character of the mistress and maid&mdash;&mdash;had
+the fortune of war allotted the same mischance to me, Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>
+would have enquired into every circumstance relating to it a hundred
+times&mdash;&mdash;She would have enquired, an’ please your honour, ten
+times as often about your honour’s groin&mdash;&mdash;The pain,
+<i>Trim</i>, is equally excruciating,&mdash;&mdash;and Compassion has as
+much to do with the one as the <span class =
+"locked">other&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;God bless your honour! cried the
+corporal&mdash;&mdash;what has a woman’s compassion to do with a wound
+upon the cap of a man’s knee? had your honour’s been shot into ten
+thousand splinters at the affair of <i>Landen</i>, Mrs. <i>Wadman</i>
+would have troubled her head as little about it as <i>Bridget</i>;
+because, added the corporal, lowering his voice, and speaking very
+distinctly, as he assigned his <span class =
+"locked">reason&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>“The knee is such a distance from the main body&mdash;&mdash;whereas
+the groin, your honour knows, is upon the very <i>curtain</i> of the
+<i>place</i>.”</p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> gave a long whistle&mdash;&mdash;but in a note
+which could scarce be heard across the table.</p>
+
+<p>The corporal had advanced too far to retire&mdash;&mdash;in three
+words he told the <span class = "locked">rest&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My uncle <i>Toby</i> laid down his pipe as gently upon the fender, as
+if it had been spun from the unravellings of a spider’s <span class =
+"locked">web&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;Let us go to my brother <i>Shandy’s</i>, said
+he.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXXII" id = "bookIX_chapXXXII">
+CHAPTER XXXII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p><span class = "firstword">There</span> will be just time, whilst my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> and <i>Trim</i> are walking to my father’s, to inform
+you that Mrs. <i>Wadman</i> had, some moons before this, made a
+confident of my mother; and that Mrs. <i>Bridget</i>, who had the burden
+of her own, as well as her mistress’s secret to carry, had got happily
+delivered of both to <i>Susannah</i> behind the garden-wall.</p>
+
+<p>As for my mother, she saw nothing at all in it, to make the least
+bustle about&mdash;&mdash;but <i>Susannah</i> was sufficient by herself
+for all the ends and purposes you could possibly have, in exporting a
+family secret; for she instantly imparted it by signs to
+<i>Jonathan</i>&mdash;&mdash;and <i>Jonathan</i> by tokens to the cook
+as she was basting a loin of mutton; the cook sold it with some
+kitchen-fat to the postillion for a groat, who truck’d it with the dairy
+maid for something of about the same value&mdash;&mdash;and though
+whisper’d
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page476" id = "page476">476</a></span>
+in the hay-loft, <span class = "smallcaps">Fame</span> caught the notes
+with her brazen trumpet, and sounded them upon the house-top&mdash;In a
+word, not an old woman in the village or five miles round, who did not
+understand the difficulties of my uncle <i>Toby’s</i> siege, and what
+were the secret articles which had delayed the <span class =
+"locked">surrender.&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>My father, whose way was to force every event in nature into an
+hypothesis, by which means never man crucified <span class =
+"smallcaps">Truth</span> at the rate he did&mdash;&mdash;had but just
+heard of the report as my uncle <i>Toby</i> set out; and catching fire
+suddenly at the trespass done his brother by it, was demonstrating to
+<i>Yorick</i>, notwithstanding my mother was sitting by&mdash;&mdash;not
+only, “That the devil was in women, and that the whole of the affair was
+lust;” but that every evil and disorder in the world, of what kind or
+nature soever, from the first fall of <i>Adam</i>, down to my uncle
+<i>Toby’s</i> (inclusive), was owing one way or other to the same unruly
+appetite.</p>
+
+<p><i>Yorick</i> was just bringing my father’s hypothesis to some
+temper, when my uncle <i>Toby</i> entering the room with marks of
+infinite benevolence and forgiveness in his looks, my father’s eloquence
+rekindled against the passion&mdash;&mdash;and as he was not very nice
+in the choice of his words when he was wroth&mdash;&mdash;as soon as my
+uncle <i>Toby</i> was seated by the fire, and had filled his pipe, my
+father broke out in this manner.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<h4><a name = "bookIX_chapXXXIII" id = "bookIX_chapXXXIII">
+CHAPTER XXXIII</a></h4>
+
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;<span class = "firstword">That</span> provision should
+be made for continuing the race of so great, so exalted and godlike a
+Being as man&mdash;I&nbsp;am far from denying&mdash;but philosophy
+speaks freely of everything; and therefore I still think and do maintain
+it to be a pity, that it should be done by means of a passion which
+bends down the faculties, and turns all the wisdom, contemplations, and
+operations of the soul backwards&mdash;&mdash;a&nbsp;passion, my dear,
+continued my father, addressing himself to my mother, which couples and
+equals wise men with fools, and makes us come out of our caverns and
+hiding-places more like satyrs and four-footed beasts than men.</p>
+
+<p>I know it will be said, continued my father (availing himself of the
+<i>Prolepsis</i>), that in itself, and simply taken&mdash;&mdash;like
+hunger, or thirst, or sleep&mdash;&mdash;’tis an affair neither good or
+bad&mdash;or shameful or otherwise.&mdash;&mdash;Why then did the
+delicacy of <i>Diogenes</i> and <i>Plato</i> so recalcitrate against it?
+and wherefore, when we go
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page477" id = "page477">477</a></span>
+about to make and plant a man, do we put out the candle? and for what
+reason is it, that all the parts thereof&mdash;the
+congredients&mdash;the preparations&mdash;the instruments, and whatever
+serves thereto, are so held as to be conveyed to a cleanly mind by no
+language, translation, or periphrasis whatever?</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;The act of killing and destroying a man, continued my
+father, raising his voice&mdash;and turning to my uncle
+<i>Toby</i>&mdash;you see, is glorious&mdash;and the weapons by which we
+do it are honourable&mdash;&mdash;We march with them upon our
+shoulders&mdash;&mdash;We strut with them by our sides&mdash;&mdash;We
+gild them&mdash;&mdash;We carve them&mdash;&mdash;We in-lay
+them&mdash;&mdash;We enrich them&mdash;&mdash;Nay, if it be but a
+<i>scoundrel</i> cannon, we cast an ornament upon the breach of <span
+class = "locked">it.&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;My uncle <i>Toby</i> laid down his pipe to intercede
+for a better epithet&mdash;&mdash;and <i>Yorick</i> was rising up to
+batter the whole hypothesis to <span class =
+"locked">pieces&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;When <i>Obadiah</i> broke into the middle of the room
+with a complaint, which cried out for an immediate hearing.</p>
+
+<p>The case was this:</p>
+
+<p>My father, whether by ancient custom of the manor, or as impropriator
+of the great tythes, was obliged to keep a Bull for the service of the
+Parish, and <i>Obadiah</i> had led his cow upon a <i>pop-visit</i> to
+him one day or other the preceding summer&mdash;&mdash;I&nbsp;say, one
+day or other&mdash;because as chance would have it, it was the day on
+which he was married to my father’s housemaid&mdash;&mdash;so one was a
+reckoning to the other. Therefore when <i>Obadiah’s</i> wife was brought
+to bed&mdash;<i>Obadiah</i> thanked <span class =
+"locked">God&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Now, said <i>Obadiah</i>, I shall have a calf: so
+<i>Obadiah</i> went daily to visit his cow.</p>
+
+<p>She’ll calve on <i>Monday</i>&mdash;on <i>Tuesday</i>&mdash;on
+<i>Wednesday</i> at the <span class =
+"locked">farthest&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>The cow did not calve&mdash;&mdash;no&mdash;she’ll not calve till
+next week&mdash;&mdash;the cow put it off terribly&mdash;&mdash;till at
+the end of the sixth week <i>Obadiah’s</i> suspicions (like a good
+man’s) fell upon the Bull.</p>
+
+<p>Now the parish being very large, my father’s Bull, to speak the truth
+of him, was no way equal to the department; he had, however, got
+himself, somehow or other, thrust into employment&mdash;and as he went
+through the business with a grave face, my father had a high opinion of
+him.</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;Most of the townsmen, an’ please your worship, quoth
+<i>Obadiah</i>, believe that ’tis all the Bull’s <span class =
+"locked">fault&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;But may not a cow be barren? replied my father, turning
+to Doctor <i>Slop</i>.</p>
+
+<span class = "pagenum">
+<a name = "page478" id = "page478">478</a></span>
+<p>It never happens: said Dr. <i>Slop</i>, but the man’s wife may have
+come before her time naturally enough&mdash;&mdash;Prithee has the child
+hair upon his head?&mdash;added Dr. <span class =
+"locked"><i>Slop</i>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash;It is as hairy as I am; said
+<i>Obadiah</i>.&mdash;&mdash;<i>Obadiah</i> had not been shaved for
+three weeks&mdash;&mdash;Wheu -&nbsp;- u -&nbsp;-&nbsp;-&nbsp;- u
+-&nbsp;-&nbsp;-&nbsp;-&nbsp;-&nbsp;-&nbsp;-&nbsp;- cried my father;
+beginning the sentence with an exclamatory whistle&mdash;&mdash;and so,
+brother <i>Toby</i>, this poor Bull of mine, who is as good a Bull as
+ever p&mdash;ss’d, and might have done for <i>Europa</i> herself in
+purer times&mdash;&mdash;had he but two legs less, might have been
+driven into Doctors Commons and lost his character&mdash;&mdash;which to
+a Town Bull, brother <i>Toby</i>, is the very same thing as his <span
+class = "locked">life&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</span></p>
+
+<p>L&mdash;d! said my mother, what is all this story
+about?&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>A <span class = "smallroman">COCK</span> and a <span class =
+"smallroman">BULL</span>, said <i>Yorick</i>&mdash;&mdash;And one of the
+best of its kind, I&nbsp;ever heard.</p>
+
+<div class = "footnote">
+
+<p><a name = "note_9_1" id = "note_9_1" href = "#tag_9_1">1.</a>
+He lost his hand at the battle of <i>Lepanto</i>.</p>
+
+<p><a name = "note_9_2" id = "note_9_2" href = "#tag_9_2">2.</a>
+This must be a mistake in Mr. <i>Shandy</i>; for <i>Graaf</i> wrote upon
+the pancreatick juice, and the parts of generation.</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class = "page">
+
+<p class = "illustration">
+<img src = "images/pg478.png" width = "94" height = "112"
+alt = "The Temple Press LETCHWORTH ENGLAND"
+title = "The Temple Press LETCHWORTH ENGLAND" /></p>
+
+</div>
+
+
+<div class = "endnote">
+
+<h4><a name = "endnote" id = "endnote">Detailed Contents</a><br />
+<span class = "smaller">(added by transcriber)</span></h4>
+
+<table class = "detail" summary = "detailed contents">
+<tr class = "small">
+<td>Book</td>
+<td></td>
+<td class = "number">Page</td>
+</tr>
+<tr class = "book">
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#intro">Introduction</a> (1912)</td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#intro_vii">vii</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#biblio">Bibliography</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#intro_xxvi">xxvi</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#text">Note on Text</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#intro_xxvii">xxvii</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr class = "book">
+<td>I</td>
+<td><a href = "#titlepage">Title Page</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page1">1</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#dedic_pitt">Dedication</a> “to Mr. Pitt”</td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page2">2</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookI">main text begins</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page3">3</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookI_baptism">baptism before birth</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page44">44</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr class = "book">
+<td>II</td>
+<td><a href = "#bookII">Book II</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page59">59</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookII_sermon">The Sermon</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page89">89</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr class = "book">
+<td>III</td>
+<td><a href = "#bookIII">Book III</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page113">113</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><p><a href = "#bookIII_excomm">Excommunicatio</a><br />
+(Latin and English on facing pages)</p></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page122">122</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><p><a href = "#bookIII_preface">The Author’s Preface</a><br />
+(between chaps. XX and XXI)</p></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page138">138</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr class = "book">
+<td>IV</td>
+<td><a href = "#bookIV">Book IV</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page176">176</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><p><a href = "#bookIV_slawkenberg">Slawkenbergii Fabella</a><br />
+(Latin and English on facing pages)</p></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page176">176</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookIV_lament">My Father’s Lamentation</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page214">214</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr class = "book">
+<td>V</td>
+<td><a href = "#bookV_title">Book V Title Page</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page249">249</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookV_dedic">Dedication</a> to Viscount Spencer</td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page250">250</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookV">main text begins</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page251">251</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookV_whiskers">Upon Whiskers</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page252">252</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr class = "book">
+<td>VI</td>
+<td><a href = "#bookVI">Book VI</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page300">300</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookVI_lefever">The Story of Le Fever</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page305">305</a>-<a href =
+"#page312">312</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookVI_apology">My Uncle Toby’s Apologetical
+Oration</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page337">337</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr class = "book">
+<td>VII</td>
+<td><a href = "#bookVII">Book VII</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page349">349</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr class = "book">
+<td>VIII</td>
+<td><a href = "#bookVIII">Book VIII</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page395">395</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookVIII_bohemia">The Story of the King of Bohemia and
+His Seven Castles</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page411">411</a>-<a href =
+"#page416">416</a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr class = "book">
+<td>IX</td>
+<td><a href = "#bookIX_title">Book IX Title Page</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page439">439</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookIX_dedic">Dedication</a> “to a Great Man”</td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page440">440</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookIX">main text begins</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page441">441</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookIX_chapXVIII">Chapter XVIII</a> (header)</td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page458">458</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookIX_chapXIX">Chapter XIX</a> (header)</td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page459">459</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookIX_invoc">The Invocation</a></td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page464">464</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookIX_chapXVIIIb">The Eighteenth Chapter</a>
+(content)</td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page467">467</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td><a href = "#bookIX_chapXIXb">The Nineteenth Chapter</a>
+(content)</td>
+<td class = "number"><a href = "#page469">469</a></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<h4><a name = "hyphens" id = "hyphens">Hyphens and Spaces</a></h4>
+
+<p>Inconsistent hyphenization or spacing has not been regularized. Words
+found only at line break were handled on a “best guess” basis.</p>
+
+<div class = "hanging">
+<p>anywhere and any where:<br />
+both forms occur</p>
+
+<p>beforehand and before-hand:<br />
+both forms occur at mid-line</p>
+
+<p>hornworks and horn-works<br />
+both forms occur at mid-line; line-end occurrences have hyphen</p>
+
+<p>christian (Christian) name and christian-name:<br />
+both forms occur more than once; the inconsistent capitalization of
+“Christian” or “christian” is unchanged.</p>
+
+<p>be-virtu’d:<br />
+the only occurrence of this word is at line-break</p>
+
+<p>shall not be opened again this twelve-/month:<br />
+all other occurrences of this word are at mid-line: the three preceding
+have a hyphen; the one following does not</p>
+</div>
+
+</div>
+
+</div>
+<!-- end div maintext -->
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Life and Opinions of Tristram
+Shandy, Gentleman, by Laurence Sterne
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TRISTRAM SHANDY ***
+
+***** This file should be named 39270-h.htm or 39270-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/2/7/39270/
+
+Produced by Louise Hope, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+http://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+http://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     http://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>