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diff --git a/39245.txt b/39245.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..df3513e --- /dev/null +++ b/39245.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7589 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Quodlibet, by John P. Kennedy + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Quodlibet + +Author: John P. Kennedy + +Release Date: March 24, 2012 [EBook #39245] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK QUODLIBET *** + + + + +Produced by Paul Clark, Dianna Adair and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + Transcriber's Note: + + Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as + possible, including inconsistencies in spelling and hyphenation. + + Some changes of spelling and punctuation have been made. They are + listed at the end of the text. + + Italic text has been marked with _underscores_. + + Text marked ^{thus} was superscripted. + + + + + ANNALS OF QUODLIBET. + + EDITED BY + + THE AUTHOR OF "SWALLOW BARN," ETC. ETC. + + + + + QUODLIBET: + + CONTAINING + + SOME ANNALS THEREOF, + + WITH AN + + AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND GROWTH OF THE BOROUGH, + AND THE SAYINGS AND DOINGS OF SUNDRY OF THE TOWNSPEOPLE; + INTERSPERSED WITH SKETCHES OF THE MOST + REMARKABLE AND DISTINGUISHED CHARACTERS + OF THAT PLACE AND ITS VICINITY. + + BY SOLOMON SECONDTHOUGHTS, + SCHOOLMASTER, + + FROM ORIGINAL MSS. INDITED BY HIM, AND NOW MADE PUBLIC AT THE + REQUEST AND UNDER THE PATRONAGE OF THE GREAT NEW-LIGHT + DEMOCRATIC CENTRAL COMMITTEE OF QUODLIBET. + + Maxima de nihilo nascitur historia.--PROPERTIUS. + + SECOND EDITION. + + PHILADELPHIA: + J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO., + 1860. + + + + + Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by + J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO., + + In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the + Eastern District of Pennsylvania. + + + + +A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR. + + +These annals were first published in 1840. They reappear after an +interval of twenty years. In that interval the old questions which +inflamed the zeal and sharpened the wit of parties have totally +disappeared from the political field: the parties themselves have +fermented into new compounds, and lost all cognizable identity. Old +warriors, who dealt mortal blows on each other's sconce, have sunk to +sleep in the same truckle bed, and have waked up in mutual surprise to +find themselves in each other's arms, with a new flag above them, and +new and unaccustomed voices giving the word of command. + +The youth who have grown up to manhood in the mean time, and have come +to be conspicuous in the conduct of public affairs, compose a distinct +generation, as unconscious of the events, the interests, and sentiments +of twenty years ago as of those of remote antiquity. These not only +reject the traditions and teachings of the past, but repudiate and +ignore the whole scheme of social and political opinion of the men who +have gone before them, disdaining to adopt their maxims of government, +their policy, their forbearance, their toleration, or their affections. +They inaugurate a new era of new principles, new purposes, new powers, +new morals, and, alas! of new hatreds. + +May it not serve a good turn toward arresting this torrent of +innovation, to present to the leisure meditation of those who are +embarking upon its stream, a few memorials of a bygone day, quite as +distinguished as the present for the intensity of its political ardors +and the absurdity of its excesses, but, fortunately, more harmless and +amiable in its temper? Is it not worth while to attempt, by these +playful sketches of the past, to lure the angry combatants into a smile, +and, by showing them the grotesque retribution which history inflicts +upon distempered parties after a few decades of oblivion, to beguile +them into some consideration of the predicament in which they may leave +their own renown? May not all sober-minded lovers of their country +contemplate with some profit the _morale_ of a picture--even as light +and extravagant as this--which represents the engrossments of parties +who fancied that the destinies of a great nation hung upon the plots and +counterplots of their busy ferment,--which engrossments, with all their +concomitant gravities and glorifications, twenty years have shriveled +into the dimensions of a pleasant farce--a little stage imbroglio of +comic conceits and fussy nothings? + +That intrepidity of absurdity which no responsible individual would dare +to countenance in his own conduct, and which is only possible to +organized bodies propelled by the ardor of party enthusiasm, is a fact +in human action worth the study of the philosopher. By some unexplored +tidal law, parties would seem to move through successive ebb and flow +toward a final culmination of mischievous extreme, each refluent wave +returning with heavier mass, until the accumulated weight of madness and +folly overtopples, breaks, and dissolves in noisy foam. As we have a +computed cycle of a money-crisis, the known result of an increasing and +rapid prosperity ill used, so also we have the regularly recurring +political crisis, the result of increasing party-power abused by rash +and insolent presumption upon its strength. + +This century has run out its three periods of twenty years. The first +ended in the total absorption of all differences of opinion, bringing a +stagnant calm upon the waters of ancient strife. The second culminated +in a revolution that shook a great party out of its seat;--a revolution +which these annals were designed to illustrate. The third period has +wheeled through its course, to work another downfall and another +revolution more notable and significant than either that have gone +before. The fourth, let us hope, may find a nation restored to +reason;--a great united Republic, tried and purified by the experience +of dangers incurred and surmounted, and by an awakened patriotism +successfully asserting the predominance of the good sense and virtue of +the people over the factious spirit that ministers to personal ambition, +and the vanity that seeks renown in innovations upon either the +principles in which the Union was formed, or the sentiment by which it +is to be preserved. + +But these reflections are tending toward a graver subject than it would +be becoming to discuss here. So, I leave them for some more appropriate +occasion. If I have any reason to fear the annals of Quodlibet may find +no favor with the emerging generation, I can make sure of another class +of readers to whom I look with a staunch and unfaltering trust;--that +goodly host of ripe and considerate citizens, the survivors of +1840--that salt of the earth, who live on the past, and reckon old +memories to be better than a fresh and damp morning journal. To you, old +friends, bald on the crown, gray and feathery about the temples, with +jovial glance of the eye, showing a heart made kind by trials, and who +love your country with an affection that grows out of the straits in +which you have seen her, and the faith you have that Providence has +helped her through them, and will help her through many more: to you, +seasoned and made jocund by time, and who, both as supporters and +antagonists, have run through the career of passion and delusion, and +outlived the wrath, the cunning, and the falsehood, the grandiloquent +fervor and exaggerated importance of the old political quarrels; to you +I dedicate this new edition of this book and consign it to your +protection, with the affectionate trust of a fellow-soldier, (whether as +comrade or opponent,--as kindly in one character as the other,) in the +whilom war of bloodless campaigns, in which for years we were mutually +engaged. + +The astute reader of these annals, if he but truly analyze their +philosophy, may obtain a revelation more or less intelligible of what is +acting on the stage to-day, and even arrive at some data by which he may +cast a horoscope of the time to come. History is constantly reproducing +itself. Events have different dates, and run in different names; but +motives, human action and passion, are the same, and bring to light the +same categories of thought and opinion. That which has been, is, and +will be again, through an infinite series of repetitions. Thus we read +the present and the future in the past. And in this light I affirm the +annals to be a fair and veritable history of this time. Change a few +secondary particulars, and the reader will find 1840 a type of 1860. + +Would that in these grotesque absurdities of the busy world of twenty +years ago the men who shape and control the political issues of this day +may see some reflected images of themselves, and thus find a motive to +make interest with posterity for a better report twenty years hence! + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + + +FRIENDLY READER:-- + +Of a truth, we are a great people!--and most happy am I, Solomon +Secondthoughts, Schoolmaster of the Borough of Quodlibet, that it hath +fallen to my lot, even in my small way, to make known to you how in our +Borough that greatness hath grown toward its perfect maturity--feeling +persuaded that Quodlibet therein is but an abstract or miniature +portrait of this nation. Happy am I, although sorely oppressed with an +inward perception of my defective craft in this most worthy task, that I +have been thought by our Central Committee a fit expounder of that +history wherein is _enchrysalized_ (if I may be allowed to draw a word, +_parce detortum_, from the Greek mint) the most veritable essence of +that recently discovered Democratic theory, for distinction called the +Quodlibetarian, which is destined to supplant all other principles in +our government, and to render us the most formidable and the most +imposing people upon the terraqueous globe. + +How it came to pass that this duty has been committed to my hands, you +shall learn. + +In the days of the late Judge Flam, now thirty years gone by, and long +before Quodlibet was, that very considerate and astute gentleman honored +me, a poor and youthful scholar, with a promotion to the office of +private tutor in his family, then residing at their ancient seat in this +neighborhood. It was my especial duty, in this station, to prepare +Master Middleton, the eldest born, for college; which in three years of +assiduous labor was achieved, much to my content, and, I need not +scruple to affirm, no less to my honor, seeing how notably my pupil has +since figured in high places among the salt of the nation. Far be it +from me to take an undue share of desert for this consummation; it would +be disingenuous not to say that my pupil's liberal endowments at the +hand of Nature herself rendered my task easy of success. + +By the aid of my early patron the Judge, whose memory will long be +embalmed in the unction of my gratitude, I became, after Master +Middleton was passed from under my care, the head of our district +school, which at first was established in that lowly log building under +the big chestnut upon the Rumblebottom, about fifty rods south of +Christy M'Curdy's mill--which tenement is yet to be seen, although in a +melancholy state of desolation, the roof thereof having been blown away +in the famous hurricane of August, 1836, just two years and ten months +after the Removal of the Deposits. This unfortunate event--I mean the +blowing off of the roof--it was the mercy of Providence to delay for the +term of one year and a fraction of a month after I had removed into the +new academy which my former pupil, and now, in lineal succession to his +lamented parent the Judge, my second patron, the Hon. Middleton Flam, +had procured to be erected for my better accommodation in the Borough of +Quodlibet. Had my removal been delayed, or the hurricane have risen +thirteen months sooner than it did, who shall tell what mourning it +might not have spread through our country side--who shall venture to say +that Quodlibet might not have been to-day without a chronicler? + +This long inhabiting of mine in these parts has afforded me all +desirable opportunities to note the growth of the region, and especially +to mark out the beginnings, the progression, and the sudden magnifying +of our Borough; and being a man--I speak it not vaingloriously--of an +inquiring turn, and strongly gifted, as our people of Quodlibet are +pleased to allow, with the perfection of setting down my thoughts in +writing; and having that essential requisite of the historian, an ardent +and unquenchable love of my subject, it has ever been my custom to put +into my tablets whatsoever I have deemed noteworthy in the events and +opinions of my day, accompanied by such reflections thereon as my +subject might be found to invite. Some of these memorabilia, +with discourses pertinent to the same, have I from time to time, +distrustfully and with the proper timidity of authorship, ventured to +contribute to our newspaper, and thereby has my secret vanity been +regaled by seeing myself in print. By what token I have not yet +ascertained, but these lucubrations of mine were not long ago discovered +to our "Grand Central Committee of Unflinching New-Light Quodlibetarian +Democrats," who have been charged with the arduous duty of maintaining +the integrity of the party in the present alarming crisis, and +of promoting, by all means in their power, the indefeasible, +unquestionable, and perpetual right of succession to the Presidential +Chair, claimed by and asserted for the candidate of the great, +unterrified New Democratic school of patriotic defenders of the spoils. +This Central Committee now hold their sessions weekly in Quodlibet--and +having discovered my hand in the lucubrations to which I have alluded +above, they have been pleased to express a favorable opinion thereon; +and, as a sequence thereto, it has occurred to them to fancy that my +poor labors being duly given to the compiling of such a history as my +tablets might afford of the rise and progress of the New Democratic +principle in Quodlibet, the same would greatly redound to the advantage +of the cause in the present great struggle. Acting upon this suggestion, +the Grand Central Committee have honored me with a request to throw into +such shape as I might deem best these scattered records of opinion and +chronicles of fact, whereof I was supposed to have a rich magazine. + +Readily and cheerfully have I acceded to this request; and with the more +relish, as I shall thus be furnished with an authentic occasion to +present to the world the many valuable thoughts and eloquent utterings +of my late distinguished pupil, and now beneficent patron, the Hon. +Middleton Flam, long a representative of this Borough and the adjacent +district in the Congress of the United States. + +I pretend to no greater merit in this execution of my task than what an +impartial spirit of investigation, a long acquaintance with persons of +every degree connected with this history, an apt judgment in +discriminating between opinions, a most faithful and abundant memory, a +careful store of documentary evidence, an unalterable devotion to the +great principles of Quodlibetarian Democracy, and, for the expounding of +all, a lucid and felicitous style, may allow me to claim as the +chronicler of this Borough. + +The better to assure you, my friendly reader, that, in temper and +condition, I may demand somewhat of the confidence due to the character +of a dispassionate commentator on the times, I would have you understand +that I am now on the shady side of sixty, unmarried, and in possession +of an easy revenue of four hundred dollars per annum, which is voted to +me by our commissioners, for instructing in their rudiments thirty-seven +children of both sexes; that I have a plate at the table of my patron, +the Hon. Middleton Flam, my former pupil, every Sunday at dinner; and +that he, being aware for some time past of my purpose to treasure up his +remarkable sayings, has, with a generous freedom, often repeated to me +many opinions which otherwise would have been irretrievably lost. +Moreover, since I am now brought before the public under circumstances +in which reserve on my part would be no better than affectation, I would +also advertise my indulgent reader of the fact that I belong to the +Quodlibetarian New-Light Club, whereof I some time officiated as +Secretary, and which club generally meets on Saturday night at Ferret's; +that the members of the same, noting my staidness of deportment and the +careful deliberation with which I guard myself in the utterance of any +discourse, do frequent honor to the temperance of my judgment by making +me the arbiter of such casual controversies as arise therein, touching +the true import and application of the principles of our New-Light +Democracy; and--if I run no risk of being charged with offering a +trivial evidence of the reputation I have earned in the club--I would +also mention, that some of our light wags have gone so far--facetiously +and with a commendable good nature, knowing that I would not take it +ill, as more peevish men might, in their jocular pleasantry--as to call +me, in allusion to my natural sedateness, SOBER SECONDTHOUGHTS:--the +rogues! + +And now, amiable and considerate reader, you have "ab imo pectore" my +honest avouch for what I propose to lay before you, and a plain +confession of my weaknesses. I come with a clean breast to the +confessional. We shall have a frugal banquet of it, but the fruits, I +make bold to promise, shall be wholesome and of the best. Now turn we to +it in good earnest. If this little chronicle--for my book shall not be +overgrown and apoplectic, but rather, as you shall find it, "garrulous +and thin"--do not bring you to a profound sense of the value of this +Amaranth of Republicanism, the New-Light Quodlibetarian Democracy, then +say it to my teeth, there is no virtue in SOBER SECONDTHOUGHTS. Go thy +ways--"The wise man's eyes are in his head, but the fool walketh in +darkness." + + S. S., SCHOOLMASTER. + + + + +TABLE OF CONTENTS + + + PAGE + + A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR 5 + + INTRODUCTION 9 + + INTERLOCUTORS, ACTORS, etc. 21 + + + CHAPTER I. + + Antiquities of Quodlibet. Michael Grant's tanyard destroyed by + the canal. Consequences of this event. Two distinguished + individuals take up their residence in the Borough. + Establishment of the Patriotic Copperplate Bank. + Circumstances which led to, and followed that measure. + Michael Grant's objections to it. 25 + + + CHAPTER II. + + Great usefulness of the bank. Surprising growth of Quodlibet. + Some account of the Hon. Middleton Flam. Origin of his + Democracy. His logical argument in favor of the pocketing of + the Bill to repeal the Specie Circular. The Democratic + principle as developed in the Representative System. 41 + + + CHAPTER III. + + Further discourse relating to the Hon. Middleton Flam. + Correction in the orthography of his family seat. His + respect for the people. Very original views entertained by + him on this subject. His liberality in money matters. + Aversion to the law regarding interest. Democratic view of + that question. His encouragement of industry and the + working people. Ingenious and profound illustration of the + Great Democratic Principle 57 + + + CHAPTER IV. + + The Second Era. Population of Quodlibet. Increase unparalleled + in Ancient Cities; equaled only by Milwaukee, etc. Success + of the bank. Attack upon it in Congress. The Hon. Middleton + Flam's triumphant vindication. Sketch of his celebrated + speech before the New Lights. Inimitable irony on the + Divorce of Government and Bank. Merited compliment to the + head of the Secretary of the Treasury. That distinguished + gentleman's opinions. 68 + + + CHAPTER V. + + Excitement produced by The Thorough Blue Whole Team. Meeting of + the New Lights. Jesse Ferret's ambidexterity. Introduction + of Eliphalet Fox to the club. His exposition of principles. + Establishment of the Quodlibet Whole Hog. 79 + + + CHAPTER VI. + + Being a short history of Eliphalet Fox. 87 + + + CHAPTER VII. + + Astounding Event; Suspension of Specie Payments. Proceedings of + the Bank of Quodlibet thereupon. Resolve of the Directors + against Suspension. Conspiracy and threatened Revolution + headed by Flan Sucker. Directors change their mind. Their + consternation and escape. Remarkable bravery and presence of + mind of the Hon. Middleton Flam. His splendid appeal to the + insurgents. General Jackson's oracular views in regard to + the Suspension. 93 + + + CHAPTER VIII. + + Signs of discord in Quodlibet. The Iron-Railing Controversy. + Agamemnon Flag's nomination. Revolt of Theodore Fog. The + celebrated Split. Consequences of Jesse Ferret's pernicious + dogma in reference to publicans. First fruits of the Split + manifested at Mrs. Ferret's tea drinking. Grave reflections + by the author. Moral. 106 + + + CHAPTER IX. + + Great meeting at the Sycamore Spring. Some description of the + arrangements. Nicodemus Handy chosen to preside on this + occasion. Motion to that effect by Mr. Snuffers. This worthy + gentleman's misfortune. His escape. Successful organization + of the meeting. 118 + + + CHAPTER X. + + Scenes at the Sycamore Spring. Nicodemus Handy's speech as + President. Sketch of Andrew Grant's speech. Agamemnon + Flag's. Attempts at interruption. Theodore Fog's celebrated + speech on this occasion. Eloquent exposition of principles. + His triumph. His misfortune. Quipes's disappointment of his + friends. 128 + + + CHAPTER XI. + + The division of the party becomes more distinct. Admirable + address of Eliphalet Fox at this juncture. Result of the + election. Rejoicing of the True Grits. Jesse Ferret's + difficulties. Is taken to task by his dame. Candid avowal + of his embarrassments. Theodore Fog's exposition of True + Grit principles. His good-natured encouragement of Jesse + Ferret. Dabbs's treat. 147 + + + CHAPTER XII. + + Third Era. Divisions in Quodlibet continue. Fomented by the + women. Fog rather disappoints his friends by his course in + the Legislature. Prostration of business in the Borough. + Traced to the merchants. Mr. Flam's opinion of them, and the + consequence thereof. Indignation of the New Lights against + them. Fog's eulogium upon them. Movements of the True Grits. + Fox's skillful management. The Tigertail affair. Mysterious + termination of it. Nim Porter's indiscretion. 169 + + + CHAPTER XIII. + + A political discussion at Abel Brawn's shop. Abel's views of the + Sub-Treasury. Important communication made by Theodore Fog. + The New Lights take ground against the banks. The Hon. + Middleton Flam resigns the Presidency of the Copperplate + Bank. Snuffers aspires to the succession. 181 + + + CHAPTER XIV. + + Letter from a Cabinet officer to Mr. Flam. Directions to the + Democracy. The Cabinet officer's mode of producing an + impression. The President's determination in regard to the + Independent Treasury. Warning to deserters. Candidates for + Mr. Flam's place in the bank. Hardbottle elected. Theodore + Fog's outbreak. He cools down and stands upon principle. + Hardbottle unpopular. 194 + + + + + CHAPTER XV. + + Unhappy event in the life of Nicodemus Handy. Consternation at + Quodlibet. Disasters among the Directors. Explosion of the + bank. Conversation between Theodore Fog and Mr. Grant. Fog's + views of the question of distress. Compliment to Jesse + Ferret. 201 + + + CHAPTER XVI. + + A rapid review of one year. What the author is compelled to + pretermit. The President's "Sober Secondthought" message + received at Quodlibet with great rejoicing. The author + communes with his reader touching New-Light principles. + Illustrations of them. Remarkable dexterity of the + Secretary. Interesting letter from the Hon. Middleton Flam. + Dawning of the Presidential Canvass. The Northern man with + Southern principles, and his mannikin. 214 + + + CHAPTER XVII. + + Fourth Era. The Hon. Middleton Flam re-elected. The New Lights + determine to stigmatize the Whigs as Federalists. Mr. Flam's + instructions in regard to the Presidential Canvass. + Nomination of Harrison and Tyler. Course of the New Lights. + Formation of the Grand Central Committee of Unflinching + New-Light Quodlibetarian Democrats. Its President, + Secretary, and place of meeting. 225 + + + CHAPTER XVIII. + + Proceedings of the Grand Central Committee. Vindication of the + severity practiced against General Harrison. Tactics of the + New Lights. Abolitionism. Selling white men for debt. + Harrison a coward. Considerations which led to the naming of + the opposition British Whigs. Stratagem against Harrison, + and the clamor against him for not answering. Hope of the + New Lights confirmed by the Connecticut, Rhode Island, and + Virginia elections. Baltimore Convention a failure. + Important letter from Mr. Flam. Amos Kendall's purpose to + resign. Excitement of composition prescribed by his + physician. Central Committee sanction the compilation of + these annals. 232 + + + CHAPTER XIX. + + Deserved compliment on Mr. Van Buren's exploit of the Florida + War. The affair of the True Grits and Sergeant Trap. True + Grits suffer a defeat. Flan Sucker's opinion upon the + subject. His account of an action at law between Joe Snare + and Ike Swingletree. 242 + + + CHAPTER XX. + + These Chronicles draw to a close. The New Lights not displeased + with Eliphalet Fox's discomfiture. Passage of the + Independent Treasury Bill, and rejoicing thereon in + Quodlibet. Changes. Interesting letter from the Dibble + family. Mr. Flam returns to Quodlibet. His views of the + Canvass. The President's reliance on the intelligence of the + people. Ignominy and Insult of Federalism. Elections in + Kentucky, Indiana, and North Carolina, Alabama, Missouri, + and Illinois. Presidential election. Consternation of the + Quods. Meeting of the Club. Quarrel of Theodore Fog and Hon. + Middleton Flam. Defection of Fog and sundry True Grits. + Second Split. Great uproar and confusion. 254 + + + + +INTERLOCUTORS, ACTORS, AND OTHERS NOTED IN THIS HISTORY. + + +NEW-LIGHT QUODLIBETARIAN DEMOCRATS. + + THE HON. MIDDLETON FLAM.--Head of the New Lights, Representative of the + district in Congress, President of the Copperplate Bank, intimate + with the Secretary of the Treasury, an orator, a philosopher, and a + man of large estate. + + NICODEMUS HANDY.--Projector of the Copperplate Bank, Cashier of the + same, and some time second in command of the New Lights. + + SIMON SNUFFERS.--Superintendent of the Hay Scales, and President of the + New-Light Club. + + NATHANIEL DOUBLEDAY.--Clerk of the Court and Vice of the Club. + + S. S.--Author and Editor of this History, Principal of the District + School, honorary member of several literary societies, and + Secretary no less to the New-Light Club than to the Grand + Central Committee of Unflinching New-Light Quodlibetarian + Democrats--_quorum magna pars fui_. + + AGAMEMNON FLAG.--Attorney-at-Law, formerly of Bickerbray. At one time + the Regular Nomination Candidate. Disposed to be in love with Miss + Handy. + + JACOB BARNDOLLAR.--Son-in-law of Jesse Ferret--of the firm of + Barndollar & Hardbottle, Forwarding and Commission Merchants. + + ANTHONY HARDBOTTLE.--Counterpart in said Firm. Elected President of the + bank upon the resignation of Mr. Flam. + + ZACHARY YOUNGHUSBAND.--Postmaster of _Quodlibet_, Tin-plate worker, + and member of the Grand Central Committee. + + THEODORE FOG.--Attorney-at-Law. At one time Director of the bank, but + compelled to resign on account of his habits. Independent candidate + against Agamemnon Flag--member of the Legislature--a distinguished + popular orator, and original founder of that branch of the New + Lights known by the name of the True Grits. + + DR. THOMAS G. WINKELMAN.--Druggist, and soda-water pavilion keeper, + physician in ordinary to the True Grits, and a man of great + influence in that sect. Coroner of the county, contractor for the + supply of medicines to the Almshouse, and ready to take any other + office which might be vacant. + + NIMROD PORTER.--Bar-keeper at The Hero, fond of betting, famous for + trotting horses. A True Grit, but well inclined to the Mandarins. + + ELIPHALET FOX.--Formerly editor of "The Gabwrangle Grimalkin," but, + through the influence of Mr. Flam, transferred to "The Quodlibet + Whole Hog,"--an expectant of the Marshal's place, but disappointed. + The Orderly of the True Grits. + + _True Grits Rank and File._ + + DABBS.--His Compositor. + + NEAL HOPPER.--The Miller in Christy M'Curdy's mill. + + SAMUEL PIVOT.--The County Assessor. + + THOMAS CROP.--Constable of the Borough and an aspirant to the + Sheriffalty. + + WILLIAM GOODLACK.--Merchant Tailor and seller of ready-made clothes. + + MAGNUS MOREHEAD.--Shoemaker, and looking to be made clerk to the + Marshal in place of Washington Cutbush. + + SIMPSON TRAVERS.--Keeper of the Refectory at the lower end of the + Canal Basin, and expecting to have the exclusive supply of + Liquors to the Recruiting Station. + + SANDY BUTTERCROP.--Express rider, message carrier, baggage porter, + and of sundry other accidental occupations--promised the place of + Corney Dust, Marshal's porter. + + FLAN SUCKER.--A distinguished loafer, a great admirer of Theodore + Fog, and a regular attendant on public meetings. + + BEN INKY, JEFF DRINKER, MORE M'NULTY.--Friends and followers of Flan + Sucker. + + FEROX TIGERTAIL.--Marshal of the district, resident in Bickerbray, an + old Federalist, but reformed into a New-Light Democrat: choleric, + and difficult to keep in harness. + + WASHINGTON CUTBUSH.--His clerk, suspected of having an opinion of his + own in politics. + + CORNEY DUST.--His porter, charged with being lukewarm, and attending to + nothing but his office. + + VIRGIL PHILPOT.--Editor of The Bickerbray Scrutinizer, and an + out-and-out friend of the Hon. Middleton Flam. + + ABRAM SCHOOLCRAFT.--Nurseryman in Bickerbray, member of the + Legislature. + + CURTIUS SHORT.--Cheap store-keeper in Tumbledown, member of the + Legislature. + + CALE GOODFELLOW.--Sportsman, Farobanker, etc., of Tumbledown, and + entirely devoted to Theodore Fog. + + +WHIGS. + + MICHAEL GRANT.--Formerly a tanner, occupying the land on which + Quodlibet was built. Having amassed an independence, he has retired + to his farm at the foot of the Hogback, where he lives, surrounded + by his four sons. + + ANDREW GRANT.--His youngest son, educated to the engineer service, but + preferring to be at home, married the daughter of Stephen P. + Crabstock, and lives near the Hogback. + + ABEL BRAWN.--A substantial blacksmith, but unfortunately infected with + Whig principles--a matter of great regret to his friends among the + New Lights. + + DAVY POST.--Wheelwright. + + GEOFFRY WHEELER.--Teamster. + + PETER OUNCE.--Keeper of the Boatmen's Hotel, on the Canal. + + STEPHEN P. CRABSTOCK.--Iron-master, and proprietor of the Hogback + Furnace--a man who in spite of his adherence to the dangerous + doctrines of the Whigs, has arisen from poverty to wealth by his + own exertions. + + AUGUSTUS POSTLETHWAITE TOMPKINSON.--Editor of The Thorough Blue Whole + Team--a paper characterized by its mendacity, its ferocity, and + utter disregard of the feelings of the purest New Lights in the + nation. A bitter enemy of the Hon. Middleton Flam, and having the + audacity to speak lightly of the President of the United States. + + JOHN SMITH.--A gentleman generally known throughout the Union, and + several times run for Congress. + + +OF DOUBTFUL POLITICS. + + JESSE FERRET.--Inn-keeper and proprietor of The Hero--a cautious man, + and somewhat afraid of his wife. + + SAM HARDESTY.--Carpenter, so much under the weather as to have had no + time to make up his mind, notwithstanding Mr. Flam's generosity + toward him. + + QUIPES.--House and sign, plain and ornamental painter, glazier, and + artist in the portrait and landscape line. + + NICHOLAS HARDUP.--Cattle dealer, a borrower of money from Mr. Flam, + and, strange to tell, not yet satisfactorily settled in his + opinions. + + ISAIAH CRAPE.--Undertaker and conductor of funerals--Cabinet and + furnishing store-keeper. + + SERGEANT TRAP.--On the recruiting service at Quodlibet. + + HIS DRUMMER.--A short and ferocious martialist. + + CHARLEY MOGGS.--Boss loafer of Bickerbray, and promoted in the army as + Sergeant Trap's fifer. + + +WOMEN. + + MRS. MIDDLETON FLAM.--Lady of our member, and mother of a large family. + + MISS JANET FLAM.--Sister of Mr. Middleton. + + MADEMOISELLE JONQUILLE.--French Governess to the Misses Flam. + + POLLY FERRET.--Commander-in-chief of all the forces of The Hero. + + SUSAN BARNDOLLAR.--Her daughter, wife of Barndollar & Hardbottle, and + remarkable for having her own opinion. + + MRS. YOUNGHUSBAND.--The Postmaster's lady. + + MRS. SNUFFERS.--Lady of the Superintendent of the Hay Scales, a woman + of great consideration in the Borough. + + HESTER HARDBOTTLE.--Maiden sister to Anthony Hardbottle. + + MRS. HANDY.--Lady of the Cashier, and leader of the fashion in + Quodlibet. + + HENRIETTA HANDY.--Her daughter--supposed to have been favorably + impressed by Mr. Agamemnon Flag. + + MRS. TROTTER.--Mrs. Handy's housekeeper. + + * * * * * + + SERVANTS, ETC.--Sam, the waiter; William, the footman; Nace, the + coachman; and Sarah, the maid, in Mr. Handy's service. Black Isaac, + Kent bugle player; Yellow Josh, clarionet--Cicero, Neal Hopper's + factotum. Billy Spike, Abel Brawn's fly-flapper, etc. etc. + + + + +QUODLIBET. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + ANTIQUITIES OF QUODLIBET--MICHAEL GRANT'S TANYARD DESTROYED BY + THE CANAL--CONSEQUENCES OF THIS EVENT--TWO DISTINGUISHED + INDIVIDUALS TAKE UP THEIR RESIDENCE IN THE + BOROUGH--ESTABLISHMENT OF THE PATRIOTIC COPPERPLATE + BANK--CIRCUMSTANCES WHICH LED TO AND FOLLOWED THAT + MEASURE--MICHAEL GRANT'S OBJECTIONS TO IT. + + +It was at the close of the year 1833, or rather, I should say, at the +opening of the following spring, that our Borough of Quodlibet took that +sudden leap to greatness which has, of late, caused it to be so much +talked about. Our folks are accustomed to set this down to the Removal +of the Deposits. Indeed, until that famous event, Quodlibet was, as one +might say in common parlance, a place not worth talking about--it might +hardly be remarked upon the maps. But since that date, verily, like +Jeshurun, it has waxed fat. It has thus come to pass that "The Removal" +is a great epoch in our annals--our Hegira--the A. U. C. of all +Quodlibetarians. + +Michael Grant, a long time ago--that is to say, full twenty years--had +a tanyard on Rumblebottom Creek, occupying the very ground which is now +covered by the canal basin. Even as far back as that day he had laid up, +out of the earnings of his trade, a snug sum of money, which sufficed to +purchase the farm where he now lives at the foot of the Hogback. +Quodlibet, or that which now is Quodlibet, was then as nothing. +Michael's dwelling house and tanyard, Abel Brawn's blacksmith-shop, +Christy M'Curdy's mill, and my school-house, made up the sum-total of +the settlement. It is now ten years, or hard on to it, since the +commissioners came this way and put the cap-sheaf on Michael's worldly +fortune by ruining his tanyard and breaking up his business, whereof the +damage was so taken to heart by the jury that, in their rage against +internal improvements, they brought in a verdict which doubled Mr. +Grant's estate in ready money, besides leaving him two acres of town +lots bordering on the basin, and which, they say, are worth more to-day +than the whole tanyard with its appurtenances ever was worth in its best +time. This verdict wrought a strange appetite in our county, among the +landholders, to be ruined in the same way; and I truly believe it was a +chief cause of the unpopularity of internal improvements in this +neighborhood, that the commissioners were only able to destroy the farms +on the lowlands--which fact, it was said, brought down the price of the +uplands on the whole line of the canal, besides creating a great deal of +ill humor among all who were out of the way of being damaged. + +With the money which this verdict brought him, Mr. Grant improved a +part of his two acres--which he was persuaded to cut up into town +lots--by building the brick tavern, and the store that stands next door +to it. These were the first buildings of any note in Quodlibet, and are +generally supposed to have given rise to the incorporation of the +Borough by the Legislature. Jesse Ferret took a lease of the tavern as +soon as it was finished, and set up the sign of "The Hero"--meaning +thereby General Jackson--which, by-the-by, was the first piece of +historical painting that the celebrated Quipes ever attempted. The store +was rented by Frederick Barndollar for his son Jacob, who was just then +going to marry Ferret's daughter Susan, and open in the Iron and Flour +Forwarding and Commission line, in company with Anthony Hardbottle, his +own brother-in-law. + +This was the state of things in Quodlibet five years before "The +Removal," from which period, up to the date of the Removal, although +Barndollar & Hardbottle did a tolerable business, and Ferret had a fair +run of custom, there were not above a dozen new tenements built in the +Borough. But a bright destiny was yet in reserve for Quodlibet; and as I +propose to unfold some incidents of its history belonging to these later +times, I cannot pretermit the opportunity now afforded me to glance, +though in a perfunctory and hasty fashion, at some striking events which +seemed to presignify and illustrate its marvelously sudden growth. + +I think it was in the very month of the Removal of the Deposits, that +Theodore Fog broke up at Tumbledown, on the other side of the Hogback, +and came over to Quodlibet to practice law. And it was looked upon as a +very notable thing, that, in the course of the following winter, +Nicodemus Handy should have also quitted Tumbledown and brought his +sign, as a lottery agent, to Quodlibet, and set up that business in our +Borough. There was a wonderful intimacy struck up between him and Fog, +and a good many visits were made by Nicodemus during the fall, before he +came over to settle. Our people marveled at this matter, and were not a +little puzzled to make out the meaning of it, knowing that Nicodemus +Handy was a shrewd man, and not likely, without some good reason for it, +to strike up a friendship with a person so little given to business as +Theodore Fog, against whom I desire to say nothing, holding his +abilities in great respect, but meaning only to infer that as Theodore +is considered high-flown in his speech, and rather too fond of living +about Ferret's bar-room, it was thought strange that Nicodemus, who is +plain spoken, and of the Temperance principle, should have taken up with +him. It was not long after Mr. Handy had seated himself in Quodlibet, +and placed his sign at the door of a small weather-boarded office, ten +feet by twelve, and within a stone-throw of Fog's, before the public +were favored with an insight into the cause of this intimacy between +these two friends. This was disclosed in a plan for establishing The +Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet, the particulars whereof were +made known at a meeting held in the dining-room of "The Hero" one +evening in March, when Theodore Fog made a flowery speech on the subject +to ten persons, counting Ferret and Nim Porter the bar-keeper. The +capital of the bank was proposed to be half a million, and the stock one +hundred dollars a share, of which one dollar was to be paid in, and the +remainder to be secured by promissory notes, payable on demand, if +convenient. + +This excellent scheme found many supporters; and, accordingly, when the +time came for action, the whole amount was subscribed by Handy and Fog +and ten of their particular friends, who had an eye to being directors +and officers of the bank--to whom might also be added about thirty +boatmen, who, together with the boys of my academy, lent their names to +Mr. Handy. + +Through the liberality of Fog, the necessary cash was supplied out of +three hundred dollars, the remains of a trust fund in his hands +belonging to a family of orphans in the neighborhood of Tumbledown, who +had not yet had occasion to know from their attorney, the said Theodore +Fog himself, of their success in a cause relating to this fund which had +been gained some months before. As Nicodemus managed the subscriptions, +which indeed he did with wonderful skill, these three hundred dollars +went a great way in making up the payments on considerably more than the +majority of the stock: and this being adjusted, he undertook a visit to +the Legislature, where, through the disinterested exertions of some +staunch Democratic friends, he procured a most unexceptionable charter +for the bank, full of all sorts of provisions, conditions, and clauses +necessary to enable it to accommodate the public with as much paper +money as the said public could possibly desire. + +In consideration of these great services, Nicodemus Handy elected +himself Cashier; and, at the same time, had well-nigh fallen into a +quarrel with Fog, who had set his heart upon being President--which, in +view of the fact that that gentleman's habits were somewhat irregular +after twelve o'clock in the day, Nicodemus would by no means consent to. +This dissension, however, was seemingly healed, by bringing in as +President my worshipful pupil, the Hon. Middleton Flam, now our member +of Congress, and by making Theodore one of the directors, besides giving +him the law business of the bank. It was always thought, notwithstanding +Fog pretended to be satisfied at the time with this arrangement, that it +rankled in his bosom, and bred a jealousy between him and his associates +in the bank, and helped to drive him to drinking faster than he would +naturally have done, if his feelings had not been aggravated by this act +of supposed ingratitude. + +I should not omit to mention that Nicodemus Handy was a man of exact +and scrupulous circumspection, and noted for the deliberation with which +he weighed the consequences of his actions, or, as the common saying is, +"looked before he leapt"--a remarkable proof of which kind of wisdom he +afforded at this time. Having been compelled by circumstances to live +beyond the avails of his lottery business, and thereby to bring himself +under some impracticable liabilities, he made it a point of conscience, +before he could permit himself to be clothed with the dignity of a +cashier, or even to place a share of stock in his own name on the books, +to swear out in open court, and to surrender, for the benefit of +his numerous and patient creditors, his whole stock of worldly +goods--consisting, according to the inventory thereof on record, which I +have seen, of a cylindrical sheet-iron stove, two chairs, a desk and a +sign-board, this latter being, as I remember, of the shape of a screen, +on each leaf of which "NICODEMUS HANDY" was printed, together with the +scheme of a lottery, set forth in large red and blue letters. He barely +retained what the law allowed him, being his mere wearing apparel; to +wit, a bran new suit of black superfine Saxony, one dozen of the best +cambric linen shirts, as many lawn pocket handkerchiefs, white kid +gloves, and such other trivial but gentlemanlike appurtenances as +denoted that extreme neatness of dress in which Mr. Handy has ever taken +a just pride, and which has been so often remarked by his friends as one +of the strong points in his character. These articles, it was said, he +had procured not more with a provident eye to that state of destitution +into which the generous surrender of his property was about to plunge +him, than with a decent regard to the respectability of appearance which +the public, he conceived, had a right to exact from the Cashier of the +Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet. All right-minded persons will +naturally commend this prudence, and applaud Mr. Handy's sense of the +dignity proper to so important and elevated a station--a station which +Theodore Fog, in his speech at "The Hero," so appropriately eulogized as +one "of financial, fiscal, and monetary responsibility." + +There was one circumstance connected with the history of the +establishment of the bank that excited great observation among our +folks: that was the dislike Michael Grant took up against it from its +very beginning. It was an indiscriminate, unmitigable, dogged dislike to +the whole concern, which, by degrees, brought him into a bad opinion of +our Borough, and I verily believe was the cause why, from that time +forward, he kept himself so much at his farm near the Hogback, and grew +to be, as if it were out of mere opposition, so unhappily, and indeed I +may say, so perversely stubborn in those iniquitous Whig sentiments +which he was in the habit of uttering. I have heard him say that he +thought as badly as a man could think, of the grounds for starting the +bank, and still worse of the men who started it,--which, certainly, was +a very rash expression, considering that our congressman, the Hon. +Middleton Flam, was President and one of the first patrons of the +institution, and that such a man as Nicodemus Handy was Cashier; to say +nothing of Theodore Fog, whose habits, we are willing to confess, might, +in the estimation of some men, give some little color to my worthy +friend's vituperation. + +Now, there was no man in Quodlibet whom Handy and Fog so much desired, +or strove so hard, to bring into the bank scheme as Mr. Grant. They made +every sort of effort and used all kinds of arguments to entice him. +Nicodemus Handy on one occasion, I think it was in April, put the matter +to him in such strong points of view, that I have often marveled since +how the good gentleman stood it. He argued, with amazing cogency, that +General Jackson had removed the deposits for the express purpose of +destroying the Bank of the United States, and giving the State banks a +fair field: that the Old Hero was an enthusiastic friend to State +rights, and especially to State banks, which it was the desire of his +heart to see increased and multiplied all over the country; that he was +actually, as it were, making pets out of these banks, and was determined +to feed them up with the public moneys and give them such a credit in +the land as would forever shut out all hope to the friends of a National +Bank to succeed with their purpose: and, finally, that although Clay and +the Whigs were endeavoring to resist the General in his determination to +establish new banks in the States, that resistance was already +considered hopeless. It was with a visible air of triumph that Mr. +Handy, in confirmation of this opinion, read from the Globe of the 21st +of December previous these words:-- + + "The intelligent people of the West know how to maintain their + rights and independence, and to repel oppression. Although foiled + in the beginning, every Western State is about to establish a State + bank institution. They are resolved to avail themselves of their + own State credit, as well as of the National credit, to maintain a + currency independent of foreign control. Mr. Clay's presses in + Kentucky begin now to feel how vain are all their efforts to resist + the determination of the people of the West. Ohio, Indiana, + Illinois, Missouri, and Kentucky are resolved to take care of + themselves, and no longer depend on the kind guardianship of + Biddle, Clay & Co." + +Having laid this fact before Mr. Grant, by way of clinching the +argument Mr. Handy pulled out of his pocket a letter which he had +just received from the Secretary of the Treasury. It contained a +communication of the deepest import to the future fortunes of our +Borough; which communication, as I have been favored by Mr. Handy with a +copy, I feel happy to transcribe here for the edification of my reader. +It is a circular, and came to our cashier printed on gilt-edged +letter-paper, having the title of the bank, the date, and some other +items filled up in writing. + + "TREASURY DEPARTMENT, _April_ 1, 1834. + + "SIR:--The Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet has been + selected by this Department as the depository of the public money + collected in Quodlibet and its vicinity; and the Marshal will hand + you the form of a contract proposed to be executed, with a copy of + his instructions from this Department. In selecting your + institution as one of the fiscal agents of the government, I not + only rely on its solidity and established character, as affording a + sufficient guarantee for the safety of the public money intrusted + to its keeping, but I confide also in its disposition to adopt the + most liberal course which circumstances will admit toward other + moneyed institutions generally, and particularly those in your + vicinity. The deposits of the public money will enable you to + afford increased facilities to commerce, and to extend your + accommodations to individuals; and as the duties which are payable + to the government arise from the business and enterprise of the + merchants engaged in foreign trade, it is but reasonable that they + should be preferred in the additional accommodations which the + public deposits will enable your institution to give, whenever it + can be done without injustice to the claims of other classes of the + community. + + "I am, etc., R. B. TANEY, + "_Secretary of the Treasury_. + + "_To the President of the Patriotic Copperplate Bank of + Quodlibet._" + +"There, sir," said Mr. Handy, after he had read this paper to Mr. +Grant--"read that over again and tell me if there is any Quodlibetarian +that ought not to rejoice in this great event, and lend his endeavors, +with both heart and soul, to promote and sustain an institution so +favored by the government. The Secretary, you perceive, has confidence +in the 'solidity and established character' of our bank--how can you +refuse _your_ confidence after that? Sir, the Secretary is an honor to +the Democracy of Quodlibet:--what does he say? Does he tell us to keep +the public moneys locked up only for the selfish purposes of the +government? Oh no: far from it; 'the deposits' says he, 'will enable you +to afford increased facilities to commerce, and to extend your +accommodations to individuals.' Mark that! there's a President and +Secretary for you! True friends, Mr. Grant--true friends to the people. +How careful are they of our great mercantile and trading classes! Sir, +the government cannot do too much for such people as we are--that's the +true Democratic motto--we _expect_ a great deal--but they outrun our +expectations. No more low prices for grain, Mr. Grant--no more scarcity +of money:--accommodation is the word--better currency is the word--high +prices, good wages and plenty of work is the word now-a-days. We shall +have a city here before you can cleverly turn yourself round. Depend +upon it, sir, we are destined to become a great, glorious, and immortal +people." + +"Sir," said Theodore Fog, interposing at this moment, with a look that +wore a compound expression of thoughtful sternness and poetical +frenzy--"when the historic muse shall hereafter contemplate the humble +origin of Quodlibet----" + +"Fog," interrupted Nicodemus, somewhat petulantly--and I feel sorry to +be obliged to record this inconsiderate language--"Blame the historic +muse!--we are now on business." + +"As a director, sir," replied Fog, with a subdued air, but with a +dignified gravity, "I have a _right_ to speak. I meant to say, sir, in +plain phrase, that Quodlibet must inevitably, from this day forth, under +the proud auspices of democratic principles--obedient to that native +impulse which the profound statesmanship of this people-sustaining and +people-sustained administration has imparted to it, soar aloft to place +herself upon the proud pinnacle of commercial prosperity, wealth, and +power. I have no doubt, Mr. Grant, your tavern lot will increase to +three times its present value. You _ought_ to take stock;--let me tell +you, sir, as a citizen of Quodlibet, you ought. As to the cash, that's a +bagatelle. Handy and I can let you have any number of shares on your own +terms. Flam will do anything we say to let you in. By-the-by, he got us +the deposits. Flam's a man of influence--but whether on the whole he +will make us the best President we could have procured, is perhaps +somewhat apocryphal." + +"You cannot fail to see," said Mr. Handy, "that we must all make our +fortunes, if the government is only true to its word; and who can doubt +it will be true? We start comparatively with nothing, I may say, +speaking of myself--absolutely with nothing. We shall make a large issue +of paper, predicated upon the deposits; we shall accommodate everybody, +as the Secretary desires--of course, not forgetting our friends, and +more particularly ourselves:--we shall pay, in this way, our stock +purchases. You may run up a square of warehouses on the Basin; I will +join you as a partner in the transaction, give you the plan of +operations, furnish architectural models, supply the funds, et cetera, +et cetera. We will sell out the buildings at a hundred per cent. advance +before they are finished; Fog here will be the purchaser. We have then +only to advertise in the papers this extraordinary rise of property +in Quodlibet--procure a map to be made of our new city; get it +lithographed, and immediately sell the lots on the Exchange of New York +at a most unprecedented valuation. My dear sir, I have just bought a +hundred acres of land adjoining the Borough, with an eye to this very +speculation. You shall have an interest of one-half in this operation at +a reasonable valuation--I shall want but a small profit, say two hundred +per cent.--a mere trifle--in consideration of my labors in laying it off +into streets, lanes, and alleys;--and if there is any convenience in it +to you--although I know you are a moneyed man--you have only to make a +proposal for a slice of accommodation--just drop a note now and then +into the discount box. You understand. The Secretary will be delighted, +my dear sir, to hear of our giving an accommodation to you. But there's +one thing, Mr. Grant, I must not forget to remark--the Secretary, in +fact, makes it a sort of _sine qua non_--you must come out a +genuine--declare yourself a Whole Hog--and go for Flam in the +fall elections. The Secretary expects, you know," and as he said +this he laid his finger significantly upon his nose, "that the +accommodation principle--is to be measurably--extended--in proportion to +the--Democracy--of the applicants. You understand?--a word to the +wise--that's all. It couldn't be expected, you perceive, that we, +holding the deposits, should be quite as favorable to the Whigs, who +rather charge us with experimenting on the currency--you know--and who, +in fact, don't scruple to say that our banking system will be a +failure--it couldn't be expected we should be as bountiful to them as to +those who go with us in building up this concatenation--tweedle dum and +tweedle dee, you know, betwixt you and me;--but it's made a point +of--and has its effect on ulterior expectations--you understand. The +long and the short is, without being mealy-mouthed, we must prefer the +old Hero's friends;--but, after all, that's a small matter:--be a +Democrat, and go for Flam!" + +"Flam and the immutable principles of civil liberty!" said Fog, with +great animation. "Middleton Flam, the embodiment and personification of +those deep and profound truths, based upon the eternal distinctions of +the greatest good to the greatest number! Diffusive wealth, combined +capital, increased facilities to commerce, and accommodation to +individuals--there is the _multum in parvo_ of General Jackson's +Democratic creed!--there is the glorious consummation of the war with +the great money power, which, like Juggernaut, was crushing down the +liberties of our Republic!" + +Michael Grant was a patient listener, and a man of few words. He stood +all the time that Fog and Handy were plying him with this discourse, +with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets, looking down, with a grum +cogitation, at his own image in the water of the basin, on the margin of +which the parties had met, and every now and then rocking on his heels +and flapping the soles of his feet sharply on the ground, denoting, by +this movement, to those who knew his habit, that he was growing more and +more positive in his opinion. Once or twice he was observed to raise his +head, and with one eye half shut, seemed as if studying the heavens. At +length he broke out with an answer which, from the vehemence of his +tone, caused Handy and Fog to prick up their ears, and gaze upon each +other with a look of incredulous surprise. + +"Your bank, gentlemen," said he, "is a humbug. Your speculation in lots, +your accommodations and the fortunes you are going to make, are humbugs. +Flam and the immutable principles of civil liberty are humbugs, and the +greatest humbug of all is your Democracy." + +With these very rash and inconsiderate words, Mr. Grant turned on his +heel and walked away, leaving Handy and Fog looking significantly at +each other. From that time Mr. Grant was generally considered an enemy +to our bank, and, as far as I can learn, never had any dealings with it. + +Mr. Handy set up a dry laugh as soon as Mr. Grant was out of sight, and +laughed on for some moments. At last he said, somewhat mysteriously, and +with a great deal of deliberation-- + +"Fog, it's my opinion that the old tanner has cut his eye teeth--what do +you think of him?" + +"He labors," replied Fog, "under a sinistrous and defective obliquity +of comprehension; and from all I can make out of this colloquy, I rather +incline to the opinion that he is not _very_ willing to embark largely +in our stock." And saying this, Fog folded his arms and looked +steadfastly in Mr. Handy's face. + +"Nor, as I should judge," said Handy in a kind of whisper, "is he likely +to join me in my speculation in town lots. Fog, don't forget, you will +indorse my note for the purchase-money of that hundred acres--I shall +discount it to-morrow--I like to pay cash--that was always my +principle." + +"Undoubtedly--consider me a sure card in that line," replied Fog:--"it +is understood, of course, that you reciprocate the favor on my purchase +of the meadow?" + +"Without question--assuredly, Fog--one good turn deserves another." + +"Then, let's go up and take a drink," said Fog, imitating the tone of a +tragedy-player--"we'll call it twelve, although my dial points but half +way from eleven." + +"You know I never drink," quoth Handy. + +"Then come and look on me while I that act perform," said Theodore. + +"Agreed," said Nicodemus. And thereupon these trusty friends went +straight to Nim Porter's bar. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + GREAT USEFULNESS OF THE BANK--SURPRISING GROWTH OF + QUODLIBET--SOME ACCOUNT OF THE HON. MIDDLETON FLAM--ORIGIN + OF HIS DEMOCRACY--HIS LOGICAL ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF THE + POCKETING OF THE BILL TO REPEAL THE SPECIE CIRCULAR--THE + DEMOCRATIC PRINCIPLE AS DEVELOPED IN THE REPRESENTATIVE + SYSTEM. + + +In the course of the first year after The Removal, or as I should say, +in the year One--speaking after our manner in Quodlibet--the bank made +itself very agreeable to everybody. Mr. Flam came home from Congress +after the end of the long session, and found everything prospering +beyond his most sanguine expectations. Nicodemus Handy had put a new +weather-boarded room to the back of his office for the use of the +Directors, and the banking business was transacted in the front +apartment where Nicodemus used to sell lottery tickets. There was one +thing that strangers visiting Quodlibet were accustomed to remark upon +in a jocular vein, regarding the bank--and that was the sign which was +placed, as it were parapet-wise, along the eaves of the roof, and being +of greater longitude than the front of the building, projected +considerably at either end. Quipes has been held responsible for this, +but I know that he could not help it, on account of the length of the +name, which, nevertheless, it is due to him to say he endeavored, very +much to my discontent, to shorten, both by orthographical device and by +abbreviation, having painted it thus-- + + THE PATRIOTI^{C} COPERPLAT^{E} BANK OF QUODLI^{bet}; + +notwithstanding which, it overran the dimensions of the tenement to +which it was attached. I say strangers sometimes facetiously alluded to +this discrepancy, by observing that the bank was like the old Hero +himself, too great for the frame that contained it. And, truly, the bank +did a great business! Mr. Handy, who is acknowledged to be a man of +taste, procured one of the handsomest plates, it is supposed, that +Murray, Draper & Fairman ever executed, and with about six bales of +pinkish silk paper, and a very superior cylinder press, created an +amount of capital which soon put to rest old Mr. Grant's grumbling about +the want of solidity in the bank, and fully justified the Secretary's +declaration of his confidence in its "established character as affording +a sufficient guarantee for the safety of the public money intrusted to +its keeping." + +As a proof how admirably matters were conducted by Mr. Handy, the +Directors soon found no other reason to attend at the Board than now and +then to hold a chat upon politics and smoke a cigar; and the President, +the Hon. Middleton Flam, having his October election on hand, was so +thoroughly convinced of Nicodemus's ability, that I do not believe he +went into the bank more than half a dozen times during the whole season. + +It was in the course of this year, and pretty soon after the bank got +the deposits, that Mr. Handy began his row of four story brick +warehouses on the Basin, which now goes by the name of Nicodemus Row. He +also laid the foundation of his mansion on the hill, fronting upon Handy +Place; and which edifice he subsequently finished, so much to the +adornment of our Borough, with a Grecian portico in front, and an +Italian veranda looking toward the garden. As his improvements advanced +in this and the next year, he successively reared a Temple of Minerva on +the top of the ice-house, a statue of Apollo in the center of the +carriage-circle, a sun-dial on a marble pillar where the garden walks +intersect, and a gilded dragon weather-cock on the cupola of the +stables. The new banking house was commenced early in the summer, and +has been finished of very beautiful granite, being in its front, if I am +rightly informed by Mr. Handy, an exact miniature copy of the Tomb of +Osymandias: it is situated on Flam Street, the first after you leave the +Basin, going northward. All the Directors, except Fog, followed the +footsteps of their illustrious predecessor, Mr. Handy, and went to work +to build themselves villas on the elevated ground back of the Borough, +now known by the name of Copperplate Ridge,--which villas were duly +completed in all manner of Greek, Roman, and Tuscan fashions. These +being likewise imitated, in turn, by many friends of the bank who +migrated hither from all parts and cast their lines in our Borough, +Quodlibet hath thereby, very suddenly, grown to be, in a figurative +sense, a pattern card of the daintiest structures of the four quarters +of the world. Perhaps I may be too fast in making so broad an +assertion--cupio non putari mendacem--I am not quite sure that, as yet, +we have any well ascertained specimen of the Asiatic: but if Nicodemus +Handy's pagoda, which he talked of building on the knoll in the center +of his training course, had not been interrupted by an untoward event, +of which it may become my duty to speak hereafter, I should, in that +case, have made no difficulty in reiterating, with a clear conscience +and without reservation, the remark which distrustfully and with claim +of allowance I have ventured above. + +My valuable patron not being resident actually within the Borough, and +being, as I have said, very busy in the matter of his election during +the greater part of the first year of the bank, had not much opportunity +to devote himself to its concerns. But the Directors, partly aware of +their own knowledge, how valuable was his influence with the Secretary, +and partly persuaded thereof by the Cashier, established, with a +liberality which Mr. Handy remarked at the time was exceedingly +gentlemanlike, his salary as President at three thousand dollars a +year--which sum, Mr. Flam himself has, more than once in my hearing, +averred upon his honor, he did not consider one cent too much. And +indeed, I feel myself bound to express my concurrence in this opinion, +when I reflect upon the weight of his character, the antiquity of his +family, the preponderance of his strong Democratic sentiments, and the +expenses to which, as President, he was exposed in looking after the +interests of the bank--more especially in the journeys to Washington, +whereof I have heard him speak, for the purpose of explaining matters to +the Secretary. + +Connected with this matter of salary, and as having a natural +propinquity to the subject, I may here cursorily, for I design to be +more particular on this point hereafter, claim the privilege to enter a +little into the family matters of my patron. And on this head, I would +observe that the household of Mr. Flam is large. Of a truth, as some +philosopher has remarked, mouths are not fed, nor bodies clad, without +considerable of the wherewithal! There is Mrs. Flam, the venerated +consort of our representative--a lady most honorably conducive to the +multiplication of the strength and glory of this land; there is, +likewise, Mr. Flam's sister Janet--truly an honor to her sex for +instructive discourse and exemplary life; and there is Master Middleton, +Junior, with his four sisters and three brothers, who may be all +ranged into the semblance of a step-ladder. Great is Mr. Flam's +parental tenderness toward this happy progeny--the reduplication and +retriplication, if I may so express it, of himself and their respectable +mamma. Yielding to the solicitude inspired by this tenderness, almost +the first thing which our representative did, after the establishment of +the bank--the means having thereby come the better to his hand--was to +send Master Middleton, Junior, who was very urgent in his entreaties to +that point, to Europe, that the young gentleman, by two or three years +travel, might witness the distresses and oppressions of monarchical +government, and become confirmed in his democratic sentiments. A +refinement of sensibility in Mr. Flam, which I might almost denominate +fastidious, has also operated with him to require the education of his +daughters to be conducted under his own roof. He would never hear, for +one moment, any persuasion to trust them, even at their earliest age, in +the public school--considerately fearful lest they might form intimacies +unbecoming the station to which he destined them in after-life. They +have consequently been placed under the special tuition of a most +estimable lady, Mademoiselle Jonquille, a resident governess, who is +enjoined to speak to them nothing but French. This lady, among other +things, teaches them music, and is aided in the arduous duties allotted +to her by a drawing-master of acknowledged ability in water-colors, and +a very superior professor of dancing, who instructs them in the elegant +accomplishment of waltzing and galloping, which, Mr. Flam says, is +now-a-days held to be indispensable in the first Democratic circles at +Washington, where it has always been his design to introduce the young +ladies into high life. + +It will not be out of place here to mention that the worthy subject of +this desultory memoir, my patron and former pupil, inherited a large +fortune from his father, the late Judge Flam, who was especially honored +by old John Adams, or, as the better phrase is, the elder Adams, with an +appointment to the bench on the night of the third of March, Anno Domini +1801; and I have often heard Mr. Middleton say that his father had, up +to the day of his lamented departure from this world, which melancholy +event happened in the year of our Lord 1825, the greatest respect for +General Jackson; which liking for the Old Hero descended to his son, +along with the family estate, and serves satisfactorily to account for +my former pupil's ardent attachment to Democratic principles, as in the +sequel I shall make appear. + +I do not desire to conceal the fact that Judge Flam, and even Mr. +Middleton himself, for some years after he came to man's estate, were +both reputed to belong to what was generally, at that time, denominated +and known by the appellation of the Old Federal party, and what, in +common parlance, has been sometimes scoffingly termed The Black Cockade; +and that the Judge, who was always noted for being very stiff in his +opinions, maintained his connection nominally with that party until the +day of his death. I mention this not in derogation of Mr. Middleton our +representative, but rather in the way of commendation, because I am by +this fact the more strongly confirmed in my admiration of the greatness +of his character--seeing that his conversion to Democracy is the pure +result of reflection and conviction, which is more laudable, in my +humble thinking, than to be "a born veteran Democrat," as I once heard a +great man boast himself. + +Now this conversion being a notable matter, I can by no means pretermit +a veritable account of it, which happens to be fully within my power to +disclose, I being, as I may say, a witness to the whole course of it. + +Everybody remembers that most signal of all the literary productions of +General Jackson's various and illustrious pen, his letter to Mr. Monroe, +dated the 12th of November, Anno Domini 1816. It came--in the language +of my venerated friend, Judge Flam--like the sound of a trumpet upon the +ears of all of the Old Federalists. "Now is the time," says General +Jackson, in that immortal letter, which I transcribed, as soon as I saw +it in print, into my book of memorable things, and which I now quote +_verbatim et literatim_:-- + + "Now is the time to exterminate that monster called Party Spirit. + By selecting characters most conspicuous for their probity, virtue, + capacity, and firmness, without any regard to party, you will go + far to, if not entirely, eradicate those feelings which, on former + occasions, threw so many obstacles in the way, and perhaps have the + pleasure and honor of uniting a people heretofore politically + divided. The Chief Magistrate of a great and powerful nation should + never indulge in party feelings. His conduct should be liberal and + disinterested, always bearing in mind that he acts for the whole, + and not a part of the community." + +This letter of the last of the Romans was published in the National +Intelligencer, and I happened to be with Judge Flam when it first met +his eye. He was sipping his tea. The venerable Judge read it twice; took +up the cup, and, in a musing, thoughtful mood, burnt his mouth with the +hot liquid so badly that he was obliged to call for cold water.--Just at +that moment, Middleton, his son, came into the parlor: he had been out +shooting partridges. + +"My dear Middleton, read that," said the Judge. + +Middleton sat down and read it; and then looked intently at his father, +waiting to hear what he would say. + +"Middleton, my son," said he in a very deliberate and emphatic manner, +"There's our man. General Jackson has been called a Hero--he's a Sage, a +wise man, a very wise man. _We_ have been kept in the mire too long: +these Jeffersons and Madisons, and Nicholases and Randolphs, and all +that Virginia Junto (I think that was the very word he used) have +trodden us in the dust. They, with all the Democracy at their back, have +lorded it over us for sixteen years. We owe them an old grudge. _But our +time is coming_, (this expression he repeated twice.) Remember, my son, +if ever you get into a majority, stick to it. Bring up your children to +it. You have a long account to settle:--_I shall bequeath to you the +Vengeance of the Federal party_. We must rally at once upon Andrew +Jackson. He will bring _us_ what it is fashionable to call 'the +people.'--We shall bring _him_ the talent, the intelligence, and the +patriotism of the land. In such an alliance how can it be otherwise but +that we shall have all the power?--and then, if we fail to play our +cards with skill, we shall deserve to lose the game. Let Jackson be our +candidate for the next Presidency, and let our gathering word be, in the +sentiment of this memorable letter, 'The Union of the People and the +extermination of the Monster of Party.' Do not slumber, my son, but give +your energies to this great enterprise." + +Mr. Middleton took this advice of his venerable father greatly to heart. +"Up with Jackson, and down with Party!" said he, after a long +rumination; "good, excellent--nothing can be better!" And several times +that night, before he went to bed, he audibly uttered the same words, as +he walked backward and forward across the room. + +From this time Judge Flam wrote many letters to his friends, disclosing +the views he had expressed to Middleton; and by degrees the matter +ripened and ripened, until things were so contrived as to bring +about what Judge Flam used to smile and say, was "a spontaneous, +unpremeditated burst of popular feeling," in the nomination of the +General. And the Judge used to laugh outright, when the papers took +strong ground in the General's favor, as the candidate who was brought +out "without intrigue or party management." The Old Hero and Sage, we +all know, was cheated out of his first election; which circumstance +greatly embittered his early friends, who, from that time--Mr. Middleton +among the rest--took a very decided stand for Reform, Retrenchment, +Economy, and the Rights of the People. + +The Judge did not live to witness this second effort which resulted so +gloriously for the Democratic cause; but his son stuck close to the Old +Hero, and was among his most ardent supporters to the last. When the +General succeeded, his first care was to show his gratitude to that +disinterested band of patriots who so freely surrendered their old +principles and abandoned their old comrades in his behalf. _He_ brought +_them_ into office, just to show that he was determined to carry out the +doctrine of his letter; and _they_ were loudest in their praise of _him_ +for the sake of the _old grudge_, of which Judge Flam spoke to his son, +and to indemnify their long suffering in the cause of the country, in +the course of which they had, for so many years, been strangers to +power. So between these two persuasions, it is not to be wondered at +that they should have become the principal friends and most confidential +advisers of the General. + +Having thus got upon an elevation, from whence they could look +backward upon their past errors, and forward to their future hopes, a +new light dawned upon every man of them; and thereupon they straightway +became sick and sorry for having so long sinned against Democracy, and +grew ashamed of that black cockade which George Washington wore in the +Revolution; made open renunciation of their former pretended attachment +to his principles; canonized Mr. Jefferson as a saint, whom they had +formerly reviled as the chief of sinners; purged out their old Federal +blood; took deep alterative draughts of detergent medicine; and, +finally, like true patriots, came forth regenerated, thorough-bred +whole-hog Democrats, sworn to follow the new Democratic principle +through all its meanderings, traverses, dodgings, and duckings to the +end. Indeed, Mr. Middleton Flam, our honorable representative, has more +than once, in some of his later speeches before the people, contended, +that although his father was attached to George Washington's school of +politics, which, as he remarked, naturally arose out of the prejudices +created by the revolutionary war--in which the old Judge had served as a +soldier--yet, that he, Middleton, never was truly an admirer of that +gentleman's theory of government or system of measures--but, on the +contrary, held them in marked disesteem, and from his earliest youth had +a strong inclination toward that freedom from restraint, which, in man +and boy, is the best test of the new Democratic principle. In proof of +this tendency of his youthful opinions, he mentioned, with most +admirable effect, an exploit, in which, when not more than twelve +years of age, he gallantly stood up at the head of a party of his +school-fellows to bar out the tutor and take a holiday, on the ground of +the indefeasible rights of man, with a view to attend a great political +meeting of the friends of Jefferson, just previous to the second +election of that Apostle of Democracy. + +Be that as it may, our distinguished member of Congress is now, by force +of reflection and conviction, as pure, unadulterated, and, as our people +jocularly denote it, as patent a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat as Theodore +Fog himself, whose attachment to popular principles, habits, and +manners, and whose unalterable adhesion to the new Democratic theory, +are written in every line of his face and in every movement of his +body:--and so, Mr. Flam avers, is every one of his black-cockade friends +who have got an office. "Thus it is,"--if I may be allowed to quote a +beautiful sentiment from one of Fog's speeches--"thus it is, that by +degrees, the errors of old opinions are washed out by the all-pervading +ablution of the Democratic principle following in the footsteps of the +march of intellect; and so true is it, that the body politic, like +quicksilver, regurgitates and repudiates the feculence of Federalism." + +Nicodemus Handy has an attachment for Mr. Flam, which is truly +fraternal. It goes so far as to prevent him from ever contradicting Mr. +Middleton in any fact, or gainsaying him in any opinion--although I did +think at one time, when Nicodemus was thought to be rich, that he was a +little bold in his sentiments on two or three matters wherein our member +differed from him. One I remember in particular; it was when the Old +Hero pocketed the Specie Circular Bill. Mr. Handy thought, for a little +while, that the circular was too hard upon the banks and the trading +people, and he seemed to insinuate that the General was rather cornered +by Congress, when they ordered its repeal by two-thirds of both Houses; +and that, consequently, as a good Democrat, he ought to have submitted +to the will of the people in that matter, and allowed them to have the +law after it was passed. Mr. Flam was diametrically opposed to him, and +proved, I thought conclusively, that, according to the sound +Quodlibetarian Democratic principle, the General was altogether right in +putting the act of Congress aside and not allowing them to overset his +plans by another vote of two-thirds. "For," he inquired with great force +of argument, adopting the Socratic form, "what is Congress? The +representatives of the people, by districts and by States. For whom can +any one man in that body speak? For his own district, or for his own +State--no more. Now, what is the President? Sir," said he, in that +solemn and impressive tone in which he addresses the House at +Washington, "the President himself has answered that question in his +immortal Protest against the Senate--he is '_the direct representative +of the American people_,' and, as he took occasion once to say in his +Message, '_It will be for those in whose behalf we all act, to decide +whether the Executive Department of the Government, in the steps which +it has taken on this subject, has been found in the line of its duty_.' +The President, sir, is the representative of the _whole_ people--not of +a district, not of a State, but of the _whole_ nation. Why should +these representatives of _the parts_ undertake to dictate to the +representative of _the whole_? It is for the people to decide whether, +in putting that bill in his pocket, he was in the line of his duty. Sir, +there is the broad buttress upon which the Democratic principle reposes, +and will repose forever. Jackson has determined, as representative of +the people, that the Specie Circular shall not be repealed, and every +true Democrat will of course say that he is right. I am surprised that +you, Handy, should give any countenance to the factious doctrine set up +by the Whigs, that Congress has a right to array itself against the +clearly expressed will of the people, when uttered through the paramount +representative of the whole nation." + +Mr. Handy was evidently confounded by this unanswerable argument, and, +of course, did not attempt to answer. I confess, for my own part, I +listened with admiration and amazement at the dialectic skill with which +so abstruse a subject was so briefly yet so clearly elucidated, and I +inwardly ejaculated, in the language of the afflicted man of Uz, "How +forcible are right words!" + +My late pupil's reflections were drawn to this question of the Specie +Circular with more intensity of regard, from a very natural train of +circumstances, which had great influence in inducing an elaborate study +of the subject. Mr. Handy has often said that Mr. Flam was the very best +customer our bank had from the beginning. Acting, as he always did, upon +the principle that our first care is due to those who are nearest to us, +or, according to the adage, that charity begins at home, the President +of the bank refused to borrow from any other institution, but determined +exclusively to patronize his own. This principle he carried to the +romantic extent of borrowing four times as much as anybody else; and as +he always contended for it as the most approved theorem in banking, that +the wider and the more remote the circulation of the paper of a bank, +the better for its profit, he employed these funds in the purchase of a +large quantity of the Chickasaw Reserve lands. By these means Mr. Flam +became the proprietor of a vast number of acres in that Southwest +country; and as the Specie Circular was a most laudable contrivance to +stop overtrading and speculating in the public lands, it occurred to our +worthy representative that the less the public lands were sold, the more +his would come into the market at good prices; and so, with a view to +the benefit of Quodlibet, where he expected to invest the profits, he +became a strong advocate of the Circular. This set him to studying the +question of the pocketing of the bill for its repeal, whereof I have +spoken above, and enabled him to convince himself how deeply that matter +was connected with the development of the Democratic principle in the +manner put forth in his argument to Mr. Handy. + +Thus does it come to pass that, step by step, as our government rolls +on, its fundamental features are successively disclosed in the practical +operations of that sublime system which so securely intrenches the good +of the people in the doctrines of genuine Quodlibetarian Democracy, as +now of late, for the first time, fully understood and practiced. + +Ever after that notable discourse, Mr. Handy showed himself, both in +private and at our public meetings, the stern, uncompromising champion +of the Specie Circular and of the broad representative character of the +President. The other questions upon which I have found him to differ +occasionally with Mr. Flam, shared pretty nearly the same fate as this. +The Cashier ultimately fell into entire harmony of sentiment in all +matters with the President; though, as I have insinuated before, in the +flood-tide of Mr. Handy's fortune, when he began to be accounted a man +of wealth, he was, in accordance with a principle of human nature +founded upon the corrupting and debasing influence of riches, much more +difficult to bring into perfect conformity of opinion with Mr. Flam, +than in the ebb. Yet, I would here remark that, almost in the same +degree that Mr. Handy yielded his assent to the doctrines of the Hon. +Middleton Flam, did the rank and file of our sturdy and independent +Democracy yield to Mr. Handy; the whole party being kept in a harmonious +agreement and accord by what Fog terms "the electric diffusion of the +Democratic principle through the whole circle of hand-in-hand, +unflinching, unwavering, uncorruptible, and power-frowning-down yeomanry +of the most virtuous and enlightened nation upon the terrestrial globe." + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + FURTHER DISCOURSE RELATING TO THE HON. MIDDLETON + FLAM--CORRECTION IN THE ORTHOGRAPHY OF HIS FAMILY SEAT--HIS + RESPECT FOR THE PEOPLE--VERY ORIGINAL VIEWS ENTERTAINED + BY HIM ON THIS SUBJECT--HIS LIBERALITY IN MONEY + MATTERS--AVERSION TO THE LAW REGARDING INTEREST--DEMOCRATIC + VIEW OF THAT QUESTION--HIS ENCOURAGEMENT OF INDUSTRY AND + THE WORKING PEOPLE--INGENIOUS AND PROFOUND ILLUSTRATION OF + THE GREAT DEMOCRATIC PRINCIPLE. + + +Holding, as I do, our Democratic leader, the Hon. Middleton Flam, in +the most deservedly profound respect, and knowing him to be, if I may be +allowed the expression, a bright exemplar of Democracy, and containing +in himself, metaphorically speaking, the epitome of all sound opinions, +I am fully authorized by the common usage regarding public characters to +bring him and his affairs conspicuously into the view of the world, not +for censure, neither for praise, although no man is better entitled to +the latter, but for instruction. Such is the destiny of distinguished +men, that their lives are common property for the teaching of their +generation. Duly acknowledging the weight of this maxim, I shall venture +in the present chapter to give my reader a still closer insight into the +private concerns of our representative; for which task I feel myself +somewhat specially qualified, through the bountiful hospitality of that +excellent gentleman, who has not only welcomed me to his board often on +week days, and always on Sundays, but who has even flattered me, more +than once, by the remark that he would not take umbrage at such +impartial development of his life and opinions as he knew I, better than +any other of his friends, (truly herein his kindness has overrated my +worthiness,) had it in my power to make. + +The old family seat of the Flams is about two miles from Quodlibet. It +is upon the Bickerbray road; and, taking in all the grounds belonging to +the domicile, the tract is somewhere about eight hundred acres; by far +the greater portion of which is a flat range of woodland and field, +watered by Grasshopper Run, which falls into the Rumblebottom. The tract +used to be called, in Judge Flam's time, "The Poplar Flats," and the +house, at that day, went by the name of "Quality Hall:" but ever since +Mr. Middleton has had it, which, as may be gathered from what I have +imparted in the last chapter, has been from the time that the old Black +Cockades began to think of turning Democrats; ever since that day the +spelling has been gradually changing, and the house now goes by the +settled name of "Equality Hall," and the tract is always written by our +people "The Popular Flats." Mr. Middleton greatly approves of this +change, for two reasons which he has had occasion to take into his +serious reflections--First; "Because," he says, "in the Quodlibetarian +Democratic system, as now understood, words are things." "Not only +things, sir," said he, in a discourse one day, at his own table, "but +important and valuable things. I have observed," he continued, "in our +country, especially among the unflinching, uncompromising Democrats, +that a name is always half the battle. For instance, sir, we wish to +destroy the bank; we have only to call it a Monster: we desire to put +down an opposition ticket, and keep the offices among ourselves; all +that we have to do is to set up a cry of Aristocracy. If we want to stop +a canal, we clamor against Consolidation: if we wish it to go on, it is +only to change the word--Develop the Resources. When it was thought +worth our while to frighten Calhoun with the notion that we were going +to hang him, we hurraed for the Proclamation; and after that, when we +wanted to gain over his best friends to our side--State-Rights was the +word. Depend upon it, gentlemen, with the true Quodlibetarian Democracy, +names are things: that is the grand secret of the 'New-Light system.'" + +Mr. Flam's second reason for approving the change in the spelling of +Poplar Flats and Quality Hall, did not depend upon such a philosophical +subtlety as the first; it was simply because he had very nigh lost his +first election to Congress from inattention to this material point of +orthography. Quality Hall, some of the Democrats of our region were +unreasonable and headstrong enough to say, was not so Democratic a name +as their candidate ought to have for his place of residence; and if it +had not been that our representative discovered this in time to convince +them that it was an old-fashioned way of spelling Equality Hall, I +believe, in my conscience, he would have made out very badly: but +luckily for this district, and I may say, for the nation, this error in +spelling was corrected in time to set all straight; and Mr. Flam, from +that day, not only put the E before the Q, but, in token of that +incident, and by way of a remembrancer, always spoke of Equality Hall as +built upon Popular Flats, which sounded very well in the ears of the New +Lights, and no doubt went a great way to keep him in Congress ever +after. Therefore I repeat, after my patron and friend, words _are_ +things;--and, democratically speaking, in the sense of a New Light, I +might even say _better_ than things. + +Equality Hall is a building which looks larger than it is, from the +circumstance that it was originally a one-storied, irregular cottage of +brick, but in the Judge's time a second story was put to it; and, almost +immediately after Mr. Middleton came to be the owner, he enlarged the +eastern gable by widening it to nearly forty feet, and building it up +considerably above the roof, and then adding to it a grand Grecian +Temple porch with niches for statues, and with fluted Doric columns of +wood, which thus constituted what Mr. Middleton calls his facade and +principal front to the building. The effect of this piece of +magnificence was to screen the old-cottage from view, and to impress the +beholder with the idea of a grand building peeping out upon the +Bickerbray road between the foliage of two weeping willows, which the +old Judge put there before Mr. Jefferson's election. + +I have heard some fastidious, not to say malevolent critics, find +fault with this new addition to the building, upon the score that it had +too much pretense about it; and that one was always disappointed upon +finding all this grandeur of outside to be but a mere piece of +theatrical show, without having anything to correspond to it within. Mr. +Flam has heard the same objection, but he has always treated it with the +contempt it deserved. "It _was_ intended for show," he observed one day +addressing the people from the hustings, when he had occasion to notice +a remark of one of these caviling gentlemen, who had said something +about having walked behind the portico to find the house--and I +shall never forget how his eye kindled and his form dilated as he +spoke--"Show, sir! Of course, it was put there for show. What else could +it be put for? What is any portico put up for? It faces toward the road, +sir--it was designed to face toward the road. When I built that portico, +I wished the people, sir, to see it; the best I have shall always be +shown to the people. I trust, sir, that my respect for the people shall +never so far abate, as to induce me to neglect _them_. My house, sir, +intrinsically is that of an humble citizen; there are a dozen equal to +it in this county; but that part of it which is intended to gratify the +people is unsurpassed here or anywhere else. I have laid out, sir, a +small fortune on that portico to gratify the people: all that I have +comes from them--all that I ever expect to be, I hope to derive from +them: who has so good a right as they to require me to put my best foot +foremost, when they are the spectators? On the same principle, sir, when +I appear in public, I dress in the most expensive attire, I drive the +best horses, and procure the finest coach. My turnout is altogether +elaborate, studiously particular--simply because I hold the people in +too much esteem, to shab them off with anything of a secondary quality, +while Providence has blessed me with the means of providing them the +best. That, sir, is what I call a keystone principle in the arch of +Democratic government: that is the sentiment, and that alone, which is +to give perpetuity to this----" + +"Fair fabric of freedom," said Theodore Fog, who was among the auditory, +and perceived that Mr. Flam hesitated for a word to convey his idea. + +"Thank you, my friend," courteously replied Mr. Flam, "I am indebted to +you for the word--fair fabric of freedom." + +Coming back from this digression, which I have the rather indulged +because of the eloquence, as well as the just Democratic sentiment it +breathes, I proceed with my sketch of the homestead of our distinguished +leader of the politics of Quodlibet. + +If I were asked what constituted the most striking feature in the +arrangements of this very admirable establishment, I should say it was +the judicious admixture of a laudable economy, with the greatest +possible effect in the way of outward exhibition. For instance, the +grounds were embellished with sundry structures, apparently at great +cost, and producing a most satisfactory impression on the eye, but +which, when examined, would be found to be, for the most part, painted +imitations of a very cheap kind. Thus there was to be seen from the +portico, peering above a thicket on the Grasshopper Run, an old castle +with ivy-crowned battlements, greatly enriching the view; at the end of +the long walk in the garden, a magnificent obelisk rose forty feet above +a bed of asparagus; the entrance to the stable-yard was through the +Gothic archway of an old chapel, exceeding pleasant to behold; and the +ice pond was guarded by a palisade composed of muskets, lances, swords, +shields, and cannon, flanked at each end by a pile of drums and colors. +All these several embellishments a nice observation would determine to +be executed in oil painting, upon wooden screens sawed into the +requisite figures. But even this expense would, perhaps, have been +avoided, had it not been that Quipes, our artist, owed Mr. Flam +twenty-five dollars on account of a debt which Mr. Flam had to pay for +him, to get him out of jail, for the sake of his vote, when we first +elected our public-spirited representative to Congress. Owing to this +circumstance, connected with the fact that Sam Hardesty, the joiner, +became insolvent on his contract for building the big portico, whereby +Mr. Flam was obliged to advance money to him in order to get it +finished, our member conceived that it would be a good plan to work +these debts out of his two friends, by setting them about the +decorations I have described. Besides, he reasoned with himself that it +was always well to give employment to the working people about him, with +a view to encourage industry and afford a practical illustration of the +benignant influence of the great Democratic principle upon society--a +consideration which Mr. Flam on no occasion ever permitted himself to +lose sight of. By this judicious management he accomplished a fourfold +purpose: namely, the beautifying of Popular Flats; the execution of +these rich specimens of art, at less than half their value; the +employment of two very meritorious fragments of the people; and, above +all, a most satisfactory development of the excellence and usefulness of +the great New-Light Democratic principle. + +Mr. Flam never was what you might call a moneyed man. For although his +farms were very productive, and he had a considerable income from stock +in the United States Bank; and although the expenses of his family were +very far short of what the world might, from the show he made, suppose +them to be; yet he was in the habit of parting with his money as fast as +it came to hand. There were a great number of deserving but needy +persons who were often at the Popular Flats, and who did not hesitate to +borrow all the funds Mr. Flam could spare, (if he had a fault it was the +generosity of his lendings,) and in this way to keep him, as he has +often told me himself, very bare. To make sure against loss he had the +prudence never to lend without bond and mortgage, with a power of +attorney to confess judgment; and as he ever avowed what he called his +most irrevocable opinion, that the interest law was exceedingly +oppressive upon the industry of the country, he invariably made his own +bargain on that point--sagaciously remarking, as I once heard him to +Nicholas Hardup, the cattle dealer, who was under execution upon a +judgment, and came to borrow the amount from Mr. Flam, "Money, sir, is a +commodity like wheat or cattle; its value is regulated by the relations +of supply and demand. Society will never prosper till that principle is +universally recognized. _We_ go for it, Mr. Hardup, as cardinal in the +Democratic creed. Labor, to be free, requires that the money contract +also should be free. Why should the poor man pay six per cent. when +money is worth but five? Why should he be prevented paying seven, eight, +or nine, even, if he finds it his interest to give it--or cannot do +without it? No, sir, Equal Rights, Liberty of Conscience, and +Unrestricted Freedom of Contract--there is the buttress of Democratic +government!" + +It often happened, as such things will happen, that Mr. Flam became the +loser by his generosity; and as it was a maxim with him to inculcate the +most rigid punctuality in all engagements, he has never felt himself at +liberty to relax what he regarded this salutary rule; so that, on many +occasions, he has been compelled to submit to the unpleasant and +expensive operation of closing his accounts on the bond and mortgage, by +taking possession of the mortgaged property; and in this way, as he +sometimes feelingly complains to his friends, he has become encumbered +with more land than he knows what to do with. He has, however, gradually +got through a great deal of this trouble by renting out his farms; a +course which he intends to persevere in until his children are able to +take the management of them. + +Mr. Handy has several times endeavored to persuade him to make +his improvements rather more permanent, and to take down these +embellishments I have been describing; rather rashly as I thought, +calling them, to Mr. Flam's face, pasteboard scenery, gingerbread +nonsense, and twopenny gimcracks: and he insinuated that if our worthy +representative would lay out some of his "accommodation" in a more solid +manner upon Popular Flats, it would tell hereafter to his advantage. But +Mr. Flam turns a deaf ear to all Nicodemus's preaching. He says that the +accommodation is better laid out in the Chickasaw Reserve, where he +means to realize a large fortune; and as to what Mr. Handy is pleased to +call _gimcracks_ and _gingerbread_, that, in fact, is the only kind of +decoration in which a man, who respects the simplicity and purity of +Democratic government, ought to indulge his taste. "If," said he, "my +old castle, my obelisk, or my Gothic gateway were built of stone instead +of white pine, a fair inference might be made against me of a lurking +wish to restore the exploded aristocratic system of primogeniture and +entails. It would be said I was building for my son and his eldest born. +Thank God, no such treasonable design can be inferred from this +_gimcrack_ and _gingerbread_, as you wittily term it. When I go, sir, my +estate is to be cut up as our Democratic republican laws ordain; and my +gimcrack and gingerbread can be plowed in as easily as the dockweed. +Strange as it may sound to the ears of some, gimcrack and gingerbread +are the elements of our new Democratic theory. Sir, our government +should glory in it:--it does glory in it. There is no reproach in the +fact that we neither build, legislate, think, nor determine for the next +generation. We attend to _ourselves_--that is genuine New-Light +Democracy. We oppose Vested Rights, we oppose Chartered Privileges, we +oppose Pledges to bind future Legislatures, we oppose Tariffs, Internal +Improvements, Colleges, and Universities, on the broad Democratic ground +that we have nothing to do with Posterity. Posterity will be as free as +we are. Let it take care of itself. I glory, sir, in saying New-Light +Democracy riots in gimcrack and gingerbread." + +This eloquent outburst of sentiment effectually silenced Mr. Handy, +and brought him thoroughly into Mr. Flam's opinion. I rejoice that my +intimacy with this able statesman should have afforded me this +opportunity to show the brilliancy with which his mind sparkles in the +demonstration of political truth, and the wonderful power with which it +converts apparently trivial thoughts into golden illustrations of the +Democratic theory as lately discovered and practiced. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + THE SECOND ERA--POPULATION OF QUODLIBET--INCREASE UNPARALLELED + IN ANCIENT CITIES; EQUALED ONLY BY MILWAUKEE, ETC.--SUCCESS + OF THE BANK--ATTACK UPON IT IN CONGRESS--THE HON. MIDDLETON + FLAM'S TRIUMPHANT VINDICATION--SKETCH OF HIS CELEBRATED + SPEECH BEFORE THE NEW LIGHTS--INIMITABLE IRONY ON THE + DIVORCE OF GOVERNMENT AND BANK--MERITED COMPLIMENT TO THE + HEAD OF THE SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY--THAT DISTINGUISHED + GENTLEMAN'S OPINIONS. + + +It is no part of my design in the compilation of this little history to +preserve the form of a regular, chronological narrative of the course of +events in Quodlibet; for although the material for such a continuous +recital abounds in the memoranda which I have preserved, yet it seems +better to suit the purpose of the respectable committee who have invoked +me to this labor, that I should rather make excerpts from the mass of my +papers, in such wise as to bring before my reader the condition of the +Borough at several epochs, with an occasional reference to such +incidents as may serve to explain the opinions of our people and +illustrate the course of that beautiful system of politics which the +world--I mean that world of which our Borough is the center--has +consented to honor with the epithet of Quodlibetarian; and in which +designation, in my poor judgment, is comprehended the essence of the +true theory by which this nation has advanced to its present +unparalleled state of prosperity and grandeur. + +Following this suggestion, I propose now to lead my reader to that epoch +in the annals of the Borough which dates in the fourth year after the +Removal, or, in the vernacular computation, the year of 1836-7. The +population of Quodlibet had now reached to the astonishing amount of +fifteen hundred and eighty odd souls--the increase being altogether +without an example in the history of civilization, excepting, perhaps, +in that of Milwaukee, Navarino, and some other of those seemingly +incredible and fabulous creations of art which are said to have sprung +up under the beneficent auspices of the Quodlibetarian theory, as the +same has been practiced in this government for some few years past. +Quodlibet, I repeat, had reached in population upwards of fifteen +hundred and eighty inhabitants, as was ascertained by a diligent +enumeration made under the direction of our New-Light Club, with a view +to the election of a constable held this year in the Borough;--and when +we reflect that at the date of the Removal, the whole settlement fell +short of two hundred persons all told, it will be perceived that in +three years our increase has exceeded seven hundred per cent.! Verily, +neither London, Athens, nor Palmyra, Karnac, Luxor, nor even Milwaukee +itself, I doubt, has ever manifested so prolific an augmentation. + +Nicodemus Handy's row of stores on the Basin was the first improvement, +as I have already informed my reader; then Copperplate Ridge was studded +with buildings; at the same time Flam Street was enriched with the bank +and seven brick buildings; then came the Female Lyceum, with the Town +Hall in the second story of the same building, Peter Ounce's Boatmen's +Hotel on the other side of the Basin, the Hay Scales, Zachary +Younghusband's (the tinplate worker) shop, and Dr. Thomas G. Winkleman's +Druggist Store and Soda Water Pavilion. These, as well as I can +recollect, were the principal establishments erected in Quodlibet in the +three years I have referred to. There were a number of private houses +built in this period, and a whole settlement of free negroes made below +the Basin, on the line of the canal. I ought to mention, too, that +Nicodemus Handy this year dug out the foundations, and, I believe, built +the cellar walls, of a second row of stores and of a new hotel designed +on a very large scale, with extensive baths to be attached to it. These +buildings, it pains me to say, in advance, never got higher than the +first story, as I shall be obliged to relate hereafter. + +The bank did a sweeping business all this time; and nothing can be +conceived more beautiful than the theory upon which it was conducted. It +has run out of my memory how many new bales of pink silk paper were +turned off by it, but the amount would scarcely be believed if I were to +set it down; and the accommodation principle was carried out to an +extent that must have been truly gratifying to the Secretary. Still, +even this most exemplary institution did not escape the malevolence of +the Whigs. That ever-complaining party, as the Hon. Middleton Flam +assured us by letter, were making a great ado in Congress about all the +banks, but particularly about ours--alleging, in their usual factious +manner, that the government would lose money by us, as well as by the +others. + +Deeming this charge as one of peculiar atrocity, we at once determined +to take it up in our New-Light Club, and stamp upon it the most +conclusive refutation. We accordingly fixed an evening for the +discussion, during Christmas week, when we knew that our member would be +at home to visit his family; and he was of course invited to attend and +give his views upon this very interesting question. The meeting was in +the Town Hall up stairs above the Female Lyceum. All Quodlibet was +present. I shall be long thankful to Providence for the dignified +station which it fell to my lot to fill on that memorable occasion. By a +most unexpected but most felicitous chance, I was honored that night +with a call to the chair; the worthy Mr. Snuffers, our President, not +being able to attend, in consequence of the interesting condition of +Mrs. Snuffers. As the subject of discussion was one of thrilling +interest, the most intense anxiety prevailed to hear the speech of our +eloquent representative. He came fully prepared, bringing with him a +load of documents. Our Vice, Mr. Doubleday, who is a solid thinking, +shrewd person, of that maturity of judgment which it is impossible to +impose upon, and himself, by-the-by, a first-rate debater, told me, +after we broke up, that Mr. Flam's discourse that evening on the banking +system at large and on the _safety_ of the banks in particular, was one +of the closest pieces of reasoning he had ever listened to in his life. +I regret that I have preserved so imperfect an outline of this speech, +but such as it is I offer it to my reader. + +The orator commenced very appropriately by remarking how impossible it +was, in the nature of things, to satisfy the Whigs on any point. He said +there were three parties in Congress: First, the Whigs--who still +croaked about a National Bank--and his description of their croaking was +to the last degree humorous; it produced peals of laughter. Second, the +thorough-going Quodlibetarian Whole Hogs, who were steadfast and +immovable for the State Banks; and a third party, small in numbers, +"attenuated"--as he remarked with irresistibly comic effect--"and gaunt; +feeble, shrill, and like crickets who might scarcely be seen in +daytime;" and who, when the bill to Regulate the Deposits was up, +presented what, in his opinion, was the most alarming, if it had not +been the most ridiculous scheme, in relation to the public money, that +had ever been hatched in the hotbed of faction. These men, he said +called themselves Conservatives: "And what think you, Mr. President," he +asked, "was _their_ project? It was, sir, to separate the Government +from the Banks." Here Mr. Flam was interrupted by a loud laugh. "A Mr. +Gordon," he said, "was at the head of this little troop. He proposed a +bill, two sessions ago, to place the revenue and public moneys in the +hands of Receivers--the moneys were to be paid to these Receivers in +GOLD and SILVER! and no bank was to be intrusted with a dollar!! And +this," exclaimed Mr. Flam, with a tone of inimitable irony, "was to be +done for the SAFETY of the public Treasure! Your money not safe in the +hands of the banks, but _perfectly secure_ in the keeping of these +honest Receivers, who were to be furnished with vaults and iron chests +to lock it up in!!! O rare Conservatives!--O wise Conservatives!--O +honest Conservatives!" + +We all thought the ceiling of the Town Hall would have toppled down on +our heads from the laughter occasioned by this sally. In this admirable +strain he continued for some minutes. At length, taking himself up, and +falling into a tone of grave expostulation, he pulled out a copy of The +Globe from his pocket, and proceeded-- + +"Admirably, sir, has this paper which I hold in my hand descanted on +this most wicked project. These well-timed remarks, I beg leave to read. +Hear the incomparable Blair. '_Had such a suggestion_,' says he, '_come +from General Jackson, it would have been rung through the Old Dominion +as conclusive proof of all the aspirations which may have been charged +to the Hero of New Orleans. See here, they would say, he wishes to put +the public money directly into the palms of his friends and partisans, +instead of keeping it on deposit in banks, whence it cannot be drawn, +for other than public purposes, without certain detection. In such a +case, we should feel that the people had just cause for alarm, and ought +to give their most watchful attention to such an effort to enlarge +Executive power, and put in its hands the means of corruption_.' Most +admirably again," continued Mr. Flam, "has this same incomparable Blair +said, '_The scheme is disorganizing and revolutionary, subversive of the +fundamental principles of our government, and of its practice from 1780 +down to this day_.' Will you, freemen of Quodlibet, gentlemen of The New +Light," exclaimed Mr. Flam, "if faction should go so far as to put this +odious, disorganizing, and revolutionary yoke upon the country, will +you, freemen of Quodlibet, submit to it?" + +"No!" shouted the ready response of sixty-four voices. + +"Gentlemen, listen to the words of the Old Hero," continued Mr. Flam, +with a gratulatory smile playing on his face, presenting at the same +time a printed document which he carefully unfolded--"listen to that +'old man eloquent' whose mouth is never opened but to breathe the +precepts of wisdom and patriotism:--I read you from his last message. In +remarking upon this absurd project, the President, in this able paper, +holds the following language: '_To retain the Public Revenue in the +Treasury unemployed in any way, is impracticable. It is considered +against the genius of our free institutions to lock up in vaults the +treasure of the nation. Such a treasure would doubtless be employed at +some time, as it has in other countries, when opportunity tempted +ambition._' Now are you willing, men of Quodlibet," again ejaculated our +eloquent representative, as he slapped the document upon the table, "are +you willing, or can you consent to tolerate a proposition which is +against the genius----" + +"No!" thundered forth sixty-four New Lights again, before our orator had +finished the sentence. + +"Order, order, freemen of Quodlibet," I called out, as it was my duty to +do, at this interruption. "Hear our distinguished representative to an +end, before you respond." + +There was a decorous silence. + +"A proposition," continued Mr. Flam, "which is against the genius of our +free institutions, and which would be a lure to tempt ambition to its +most unholy purposes?" + +The club looked at me for a sign, and I, quickly giving a nod of my +head, a loud "No" ran over the whole room, like a _feu de joie_ fired +off at a militia training. + +"Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Flam, "one word as to the _safety_ of these +deposits. Whigs--oh that some of you were present, to mark how a plain +tale shall put you down! I have here the Secretary's own report," he +added, as he selected one from the bundle of documents which lay before +him. "There is no need for many words here--here is Mr. Secretary +himself, than whom a more pellucid, diaphanous, transparent Secretary of +the Treasury--a mind of rock-crystal, a head of sunbeams, a soul, sir, +of pure fountain water, that gurgles and gurgles, perpetually welling +forth its unadulterated intelligence in a purling stream, of which it +may be said, in the beautiful language of the poet of antiquity + + 'Rusticus expectat dum defluat amnis, at ille + Labitur et labetur in omne volubilis aevum'"---- + +Here I gave a nod, by way of signal to the club, to applaud this +splendid outbreak of Ciceronian eloquence; whereat the New Lights +vociferated "Bravo--three times three!" and made the house ring with +their approbation--"I say, sir, I have the Secretary himself here +present." + +Several of the members, not being accustomed to this parliamentary +language, took the orator literally, and rose to welcome the +distinguished person referred to; but a word from me explained matters, +and brought the club again to order. + +"The Secretary, gentlemen New Lights," said Mr. Flam, adroitly availing +himself of the occasion to throw off a coruscation of wit--"the +Secretary lives _in his reports_--profound, statesmanlike, recondite and +deep, his report is in my hand--_it is himself!_ I will read you what he +says upon this matter of the safety of the banks." + +Here Mr. Flam read as follows, from a report dated December 12, 1834:-- + + "It is gratifying to reflect, however, that the credit given by the + government, whether to bank paper or bank agents, has been + accompanied by SMALLER LOSSES in the experience under the system of + State banks in this country, at their worst periods, and under + their severest calamities, than any other kind of credit + the government has ever given in relation to its pecuniary + transactions." "Again," he continued, turning to another page, "it + is a singular fact, in praise of this description of public + debtors--the selected banks--that there is not now due, on deposit, + in the whole of them, which have ever stopped payment, from the + establishment of the constitution to the present moment, a sum much + beyond what is now due to the United States from one mercantile + firm, that stopped payment in 1825 or 1826, and of whom ample + security was required, and supposed to be taken under the + responsibility of an oath. If we include the whole present dues to + the government from discredited banks at all times, and of all + kinds, whether as depositories or not, and embrace even counterfeit + bills, and every other species of unavailable funds in the + treasury, they will not exceed what is due from two such firms. Of + almost one hundred banks, not depositories, which, during all our + wars and commercial embarrassments, have heretofore failed, in any + part of the Union, in debt to the government, on their bills or + otherwise, it will be seen by the above table (to which Mr. Flam + referred as annexed to the report) that the whole of them, except + seventeen, have adjusted everything which they owed, and that the + balance due from them, without interest, is less than $32,000." + +"There, gentlemen New Lights of Quodlibet," said Mr. Flam, when he had +finished reading these extracts, "what can be added beyond this +certificate from the Secretary, of the value of our State banks? Even +the lips of Whiggism are sealed before it; and nothing is left but the +confession that, in all their senseless clamor against our favorite and +long-tried State bank system, the course of its enemies has been but the +ebullition of disappointed ambition and peevish discontent. Are you +willing, I ask, to see this glorious system prostrated to the earth?" + +"No!" was again the general cry. + +"Are you content to see your cherished banks stripped of the confidence +of the government?" + +"No--never, never!" shouted the New Lights to a man. + +"Then, gentlemen Quodlibetarians, radii of the New Lights, you have +justified all my hopes. Your applause rewards all my toils--your support +and confidence enlist all my gratitude. With emotions of heart-felt +satisfaction, I bid you each good night!" + +With these words, this remarkable man gathered up his documents, and, +with a countenance full of smiles, retired from the midst of this circle +of his devoted--yes, I may say, his idolizing friends. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + EXCITEMENT PRODUCED BY THE THOROUGH BLUE WHOLE + TEAM--MEETING OF THE NEW LIGHT--JESSE FERRET'S + AMBIDEXTERITY--INTRODUCTION OF ELIPHALET FOX TO THE + CLUB--HIS EXPOSITION OF PRINCIPLES--ESTABLISHMENT OF THE + QUODLIBET WHOLE HOG. + + +Soon after the time referred to in the last chapter--that is, when we +were favored by Mr. Flam with his views on the banking system--there was +a question of the most profound interest in agitation, both in the +New-Light Club and out of it; that question was the establishment of a +newspaper. The Quodlibetarian Democracy were, I am sorry to inform my +reader, most sorely and wantonly assailed, indeed I may say insulted, by +an hebdomadal sheet which, through the aid, or, more properly speaking, +_the abuse_ of the post-office (for surely it was not the original +design of that institution to afford the means of corrupting the people +by the dissemination of such moral poisons) was distributed among sundry +of our citizens, and even put upon the files of one of our public +houses. I do not scruple to name the house--that of Jesse Ferret--Jesse +being at this time a little amphibious in his politics, or, in Mr. Fog's +expressive language, _rather fishy_. The paper to which I allude was +published at Thorough Blue Court-House, a perfect hotbed of contumacious +opposition, situate about fifty miles due west from Quodlibet. It was +called "THE THOROUGH BLUE WHOLE TEAM," and was edited by Augustus +Postlethwaite Tompkinson, an inchoate lawyer, who had set up for a poet, +and whose sentiments were of the most dangerous Whig complexion. This +paper was constantly filled with extracts of the ravings of Whig members +of Congress against our admirable system of banking, and had gone to +such an extreme of rashness, as to denominate that splendid measure of +the purest and wisest statesman of the age--my reader perceives I mean +Mr. Benton--for the introduction of the gold currency, a humbug! But +this was not all; the unprincipled editor of that reckless journal had +actually so far forgotten all the decencies of civilized society, had +become so callous to the cause of virtue and truth, as to launch his +puny thunderbolts at the fair fame of the Hon. Middleton Flam. He was +ridiculed as a pretender! he was nicknamed a charlatan!! and the +unbridled license of this unsparing defamer did not stop short of +denouncing him as a Federalist!!! All Quodlibet--that is, all who +possessed the soul of Quodlibetarians--raised up their hands at the +political impiety of this libel. A spontaneous burst of feeling +indicated the deep sentiment which called for immediate action on the +subject. For a full week, the New Light was in a state of paroxysm. The +club met every night. Nicodemus Handy was there; Fog was there; Nim +Porter was there; Snuffers and Doubleday, Doctor Winkleman and Zachary +Younghusband, recently appointed postmaster of the Borough, were there. +Every thorough-bred Quod, even down to Flan. Sucker, was there. Jesse +Ferret, I have already said, was fishy. I regret to say it, but it is +true. Jesse, bending to the suppleness of the times, and forgetting a +patriot's duty, which is first and foremost above all things to stick to +his party, pleaded his public calling to excuse his vacillation, and +even went so far as to say that "a publican should have no politics." Oh +shame, where is thy blush! Not so with Nim Porter;--his soul towered +above the bar-room; he would bet all he was worth on the side of his +party. Everybody in Quodlibet knows how free Nim always was with his +bets. + +The decisive meeting of the club took place in the dining-room of +Ferret's tavern. Nicodemus Handy did not often attend the meetings of +the club: we looked to him rather for head work, for he was not the best +of public speakers; but on the night of this assemblage he made it a +point to be present. Mr. Handy is rather a short, fat man; his head is +partially bald, his face is smooth and fair, his dress was always +remarked for being of the best material, put on in the neatest +manner--in short, Mr. Handy is a first-rate gentleman. I am particular +in noting these matters, because THE WHOLE TEAM was in the habit of +bragging that "all the decency" was on his side. Now I would challenge +Thorough Blue Court-House, and the settlement ten miles around it--the +whole region is Whig--to produce one man among them to compare either +with the Hon. Middleton Flam or Nicodemus Handy. And I would take this +occasion further to remark, in refutation of THE WHOLE TEAM'S calumny +touching "all the decency," that the true Quodlibetarian Democrats have +as great a respect for appearance, and as profound a spirit of +assentation and regard toward a man of wealth, as the people of any +country upon earth: if anything, our tip-top Quods carry rather a higher +head than the richest Whigs in these parts, and any dispassionate man +who will examine into the matter will say so. + +Snuffers was in the chair. The members of the club did not sit down: +they were too much agitated to sit down. As soon as I, in my character +of Secretary, read the minutes of the preceding meeting, Mr. Handy rose, +and after some very appropriate remarks delivered in a modest fashion, +(in which he assured the club that he was unaccustomed to public +speaking and moreover oppressed by the intensity of his feelings in +regard to the recent attack on his friend, the Hon. Middleton Flam, and +in a slight degree agitated in the presence of this most respectable +assemblage of Quods,) came at once to the point. "Who," he asked, "was +Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson? His name told you who he was--an +aristocrat, a poet, a sentimentalizer, _a dealer in fiction_! What was +his calling? A pander, a pimp, a professional reviler of great and +good men. What was his paper? That sink of infamy--THE WHOLE +TEAM--twenty-four by eighteen, with a poet's corner, and an outside +stuffed with a few beggarly advertisements. Would gentlemen submit to be +led by the nose by a thing like that, twenty-four by eighteen?" + +"Never," cried out Flanigan Sucker, who stood in the doorway, just +behind Nim Porter--"will we, Nim?" + +"Silence," said Mr. Snuffers. + +"If gentlemen have my feelings of indignation on this subject," +continued Mr. Handy, "they will concur with me in establishing a paper +of our own." + +"Go it, Nicodemus!" shouted Flan. Sucker, very indecorously putting in +his word a second time. + +Thereupon arose some confusion in the club, and Flan., being found upon +examination to be muddled with liquor, was requested to retire; and not +being very prompt to obey this invitation, he was turned out. + +Mr. Handy then proceeded. "Gentlemen," said he, "a paper we must have, +and I feel happy in the opportunity to introduce to your acquaintance a +good friend of our cause, who is here present to-night, and who, under +the auspices of this club, is willing to undertake the responsible duty +of supplying this so much desiderated object. I beg leave to present to +you Mr. Eliphalet Fox, a gentleman long connected with the press in a +neighboring State, and who is prepared to submit to you his scheme." + +Upon this a stranger, who had been seated in a back part of the room, +wrapped up in a green camlet cloak with plaid lining, which I may add +had apparently seen much service, stepped forward, and, disrobing +himself of this outer garment, stood full before the President. He was a +thin, faded little fellow, whose clothes seemed to be somewhat too large +for him. His eye was gray and rather dull, his physiognomy melancholy, +his cheek sunken, his complexion freckled, his coat blue, the buttons +dingy, his hair sandy, and like untwisted rope. The first glance at the +person of this new-comer gave every man of the club the assurance that +here was an editor indeed. A whisper of approbation ran through the +crowd, and from that moment, as Mr. Doubleday afterward said to me, we +felt assured that we had the man we wanted. + +"Mr. President," said he, in a feeble and sickly voice, "my name _is_ +Fox. I am in want of employment. Sir," he added, gritting his teeth and +taking an attitude, "if the rancor of my soul, accumulated by +maltreatment, set on edge by disappointment, indurated by time, entitle +me to claim your confidence, then, sir, my claim stands number one. If a +thorough knowledge, sir, of the characteristic traits of Federalism, +long acquaintance with its designs, persecution, sir, from its votaries, +a deep experience of its black ingratitude; if days of toil spent in its +service, nights of feverish anxiety protracted in ruminating over its +purposes; if promises violated, hopes blasted, labors unrewarded, may be +deemed a stimulus to hatred--then, sir, am I richly endowed with the +qualifications to expose the enemies of Quodlibetarian Democracy. I am a +child, sir, of sorrow: the milk of my nature has been curdled by +neglect. Mine is a history of talents underrated, sensibilities derided, +patriotism spurned, affluence, nay competence, withheld. The world has +turned me aside. I have no resting place on the bosom of my mother. +Society, like a demon, pursues me. Writs in the hands of the sheriff, +judgments on the docket, _fi. fas._ and _ca. sas._ track my footsteps. +No limitation runs in my favor: the _scire facias_, ever ready, revives +the inhuman judgment, and my second shirt--my first is in rags--is +stripped from my body to glut the avarice of my relentless pursuers. +Thank God, I have at last found a friend in that distinguished man who +has been so ruthlessly, so recently assailed, by that fledgling of the +aristocracy, Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson. Yes, sir, in the Hon. +Middleton Flam I have found a friend. He has given me letters to this +benevolent gentleman, Mr. Handy; he has recommended my establishment +here; he promises to co-operate with this respectable club in giving me +a foothold among you. With her Flams and her Handys, Quodlibet is +destined to an enviable influence in this great Republic." (Here he was +interrupted by loud cheers.) "My scheme is, Mr. President, with the aid +of this club, and that of the benefactors I have named, forthwith +to start THE QUODLIBET WHOLE HOG. It shall take a decided and +uncompromising stand against THE THOROUGH BLUE WHOLE TEAM, (here he was +again arrested by cheers;) pledged to contradict every word uttered by +that vile print, (cheers;) to traduce and bring down its editor by the +most systematic disparagement, (cheers;) to disprove all Whig +assertions; unfailingly to take the opposite side on all questions; +industriously to lower the standing of the members of the Whig party, +(immense cheers;) through thick and thin, good report and evil report, +for better and for worse, to defend and sustain the administration of +the new President, who is about to take his seat, that incomparable +Democrat of the genuine Quodlibetarian stamp, Martin Van Buren, (at this +point the cheering continued for some moments, with such violence that +the speaker had to suspend his remarks;) and finally, sir, to commend, +exalt, and illustrate the character and pretensions of our unrivaled +friend Mr. Flam, (immense cheering,) giving utterance to his sentiments, +preponderance to his opinions, authority to his advice on all proper and +suitable occasions, (loud cheering for a long time.) In short, sir, The +Whole Hog shall be what its name imports, a faithful mirror of the +Democracy of Quodlibet. Its publication shall be weekly; its size, +twenty-six by twenty, having the advantage over the Whole Team by full +two inches each way. There, sir, is an outline of my sentiments and +proposed paper." Mr. Fox concluded this address in the midst of a +congratulatory uproar, altogether unprecedented in the club. + +Seizing upon the enthusiasm of the moment, and being rather fearful +that Fog would attempt to make a speech, which that gentleman's +condition would have rendered extremely improper at this hour, Mr. Handy +immediately offered a resolution for the establishment of the Whole Hog, +and its adoption as the organ of the party, on the principles proposed +by Mr. Fox. This was carried by acclamation; and the members without +further discussion adjourned to the bar-room, where Nim Porter offered a +bet--and not finding any one to take him up, continued to offer it +during the evening--of fifty dollars to twenty-five, or one hundred to +fifty, that Eliphalet Fox would run Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson's +Whole Team out of Quodlibet in six months from that day:--that there +would not be but two copies of the Whole Team taken in the Borough, and +that one of them would be Michael Grant's out at the Hogback:--"for," +said Nim, with an oath, which I will not repeat--"I can see it in that +Liphlet Fox's eye; if he isn't a gouger when his bile's fresh, there +aint nothing in Lavender on Physiology, or Fowler on the Shape of +Heads." + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + BEING A SHORT HISTORY OF ELIPHALET FOX. + + +Eliphalet Fox's paper, "The Whole Hog," made its first appearance on the +day of the inauguration of President Van Buren. Bright were the omens +that heralded its birth. The lustrous orb of Jackson had just set in an +ocean of splendor. Happy old man! Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere +causas! In the glowing language of his own immortal valedictory, he left +"this great people prosperous and happy." That star of the second +magnitude, Martin Van Buren, first among the sidera minora, had just +risen. In the nearly equally immortal salutatory of this Sidus Minor, he +spake the words, "we present an aggregate of human prosperity surely not +elsewhere to be found." Fortunate omens, incomparable auspices! Under +these cheering signs "The Whole Hog" appeared upon the stage. + +Never was paper more faithful to the Quodlibetarian theory. Never was +editor more richly endowed to sustain that theory than Eliphalet Fox. My +reader will doubtless expect that I should impart such gleanings of the +editor's life as my diligent researches have enabled me to collect. This +reasonable expectation shall be indulged. + +Eliphalet Fox was one of those men whose career furnishes so remarkable +a commentary upon the beneficent character of our great Democratic +Quodlibetarian principle. His ancestors, two generations back, were +Federal and rich: in the last generation they were Federal and poor--a +transition strikingly natural and eminently illustrative of our free +institutions. Eliphalet was born in the town of Gabwrangle, in the +adjoining State. His education was circumscribed to the circle of +reading, writing, and arithmetic, which Eliphalet himself sometimes +jocosely describes as algebraically denoted by the signs of the three +Rs; to wit, Reading, Righting, and Rithmetic--a joke (mehercule) both +ingenious and new! + +His parents being, as I may say, inops pecuniae, bound Eliphalet to a +trade; but handicraft was abhorrent to his genius. His temper was sour +and peevish; and though seemingly meek, even to a degree of asininity, +in his demeanor, yet it was early discovered that, upon occasion, he +could very deftly and nimbly, as the poet says, "unpack his heart with +words and fall to swearing like a very drab." This art was too valuable +in Eliphalet's time to go long without a patron; and, accordingly, after +he had worked four most reluctant years in a printing-office, to which +his respectable parents, thwarting the current of his genius, had +devoted him, he was discovered and taken by the hand by Mr. Theophilus +Flam, brother of the late Judge, and leader of the Federal party of +Gabwrangle. It was just before the war; and the party being hard set +upon by its enemies, had, like a cat surrounded by curs, thrown itself +upon its back, and essayed to defend itself, most cattishly, with claw +and tooth. And sharply, as we well know, did they fight. Eliphalet, in +this strife, played the part of a claw, showing most admirable spring +nails, though ordinarily hid, and therefore but little suspected in his +velvet paw. His position in this battle was that of conductor of "The +Gabwrangle Grimalkin," a cross-grained, querulous, tart and vinegarish +little folio, which hoisted the banner of Theophilus Flam, and swore in +his words. Eliphalet Fox, in consequence of the trusty position which +was thus confided to him, and still more by reason of a certain rabid +but laudable hatred of all who bore the name of Democrat, in those days, +(and here I would have my reader mark that a Democrat of 1812 was a very +different thing from a Democrat of this our day, especially from a true +Quodlibetarian Democrat,) rose to be a person of great consideration in +Gabwrangle. The party of Theophilus Flam, like our illustrious chief of +the new Democracy, Mr. Van Buren, made sturdy opposition to Madison and +his unrighteous war, and finally enjoyed the satisfaction of a complete +triumph over all their political adversaries in Gabwrangle, by an utter +route of the spurious Democrats who opposed them: a point of good +fortune which did not fall to the lot of our illustrious chief at +Kinderhook; since history records the disastrous fact that he, so far +from conquering, was obliged to give in, and was even unhappily +compelled, by the force of adverse winds, to go over to the majority, +(an event very distressing to his feelings,) when he found that that +majority was so obstinate as to refuse to come on his side: he was, if I +may so say, as it were, a prisoner-of-war, and acted under a vis major. +But at Gabwrangle--thanks to the persevering tongue and pen of Eliphalet +Fox!--it was all the other way; and "The Grimalkin," to the last, +enjoyed a most enviable renown as the bitterest reviler of Mr. Madison +and his doings. + +Habit grows into an instinct, and as times change our habits are the +last to follow the fashion. It is only by referring to this deep-seated +principle of human nature, that I am able to account for the +extraordinary vituperation which Eliphalet Fox, at a later day, poured +upon the head of the Old Hero when he was brought out for President. The +Grimalkin, like all poison-concocting animals, grew more venomous as it +grew older; and were it not that Eliphalet has repented of this folly, +and amply atoned for its commission, I should blush to record the almost +savage ferocity, the altogether unpardonable acerbity, and, above all, +the thoroughly unquodlibetarian freedom with which he assailed the +purest man that in the tide of time--as another pure man has +remarked--ever appeared upon this terraqueous globe. But the truth is, +Eliphalet had fallen into _a habit_ of detraction, and did it without +thinking:--that is the best excuse that can be made for him. The old +Federalists of Gabwrangle, and, foremost among them, his master, +Theophilus Flam, soon corrected this unhappy proclivity, and gave him to +understand that he was on a wrong scent. They peremptorily, to their +great honor, insisted that from that day forth the Grimalkin must be +decent. The consequence of this was fatal to Eliphalet Fox--fatal at +least to his prosperity in Gabwrangle. Thenceforth the Grimalkin sunk +into insignificance. As the poet says, Othello's occupation was gone. +The subscribers grew testy and dropped off, under the influence of this +uncongenial decency exacted from the editor. Eliphalet borrowed money, +his habiliments grew shabby, he took up mean callings for the sake of +pelf, he became a spunge; he grew bilious, atrabilious, patriotic and +indignant. He went for REFORM--reform of the General Government, reform +of the State Constitution, reform of private manners, reform of public +observances. He took up an aversion to all kinds of respectability, +became a deadly enemy to every man who laid up any money--made this +sentiment a political question, talked of a division of property, called +Nature a stepmother, said sundry hard things about the persecution of +genius, and finally, one Sunday night, eloped from Gabwrangle, leaving +his fiscal responsibilities in a state of as much perplexity as that +into which these vile Whigs have brought those of the government. Alas, +for Eliphalet! little did he dream that out of this desolation and +dismay he was to pluck so bright a flower of prosperity as he now wears +in his bosom. All the hounds of the law--as he so eloquently painted it +to the New Light at our celebrated meeting--were set upon his track; but +grace to his better destiny! he eluded them. To twenty writs placed on +Monday morning in the sheriff's hands, that functionary made his +return on Tuesday evening, "Eloped under whip and spur out of the +bailiwick."--Oh, lucky Eliphalet! + +In these straits the badgered patriot went to Washington; was +recognized by our distinguished representative, who, knowing that we +were in want of an editor fit to cope with The Whole Team, gave him a +warm letter of recommendation to Nicodemus Handy, and forthwith was +projected that famous movement, whereof I have already given the +history, and which has so auspiciously resulted in the establishment of +The Quodlibet Whole Hog. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + ASTOUNDING EVENT--SUSPENSION OF SPECIE PAYMENTS--PROCEEDINGS + OF THE BANK OF QUODLIBET THEREUPON--RESOLVE OF THE DIRECTORS + AGAINST SUSPENSION--CONSPIRACY AND THREATENED REVOLUTION + HEADED BY FLAN. SUCKER--DIRECTORS CHANGE THEIR MIND--THEIR + CONSTERNATION AND ESCAPE--REMARKABLE BRAVERY AND PRESENCE + OF MIND OF THE HON. MIDDLETON FLAM--HIS SPLENDID APPEAL TO + THE INSURGENTS--GENERAL JACKSON'S ORACULAR VIEWS IN REGARD + TO THE SUSPENSION. + + +Proh hominum fidem! + +It falls to my lot, at this stage of my history, to be constrained to +record an event the most astounding, the most awful, the most +unexpected, the most treacherous, the most ungrateful, the most +flagitious--yea, the most supereminently flagitious,--that the history +of mankind affords. Notwithstanding that laudatory and political +ejaculation which the Hero and Sage breathed out in the evening of his +brilliant career, like the last notes of the swan, "I leave this great +people prosperous and happy"--notwithstanding that flattering canzonet, +with which he who pledges himself to walk in the Hero and Sage's +footsteps, began his illustrious course, singing as it were the morning +carol of the lark--"we present an aggregate of human prosperity surely +not elsewhere to be found"--the echo of these sweet sounds had not died +away upon the tympana of our ravished ears, before these banks--these +gentle pet banks--these fostered, favored, sugar-plum and candy-fed pet +banks, with all their troop of plethoric and pampered paragon sister +banks, one and all, without one pang of remorse, without one word of +warning, without even, as far as we could see, one tingle of a +suppressed and struggling blush, incontinently suspended specie +payments!! O curas hominum! Quantum est in rebus inane! + +Shall I tell it? Even the Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet was +compelled to follow in this faithless path. Not at once, I confess--not +off-hand, and with such malice prepense as the others--for Nicodemus +Handy had a soul above such black ingratitude--but after a pause, and, +let the truth be told in extenuation, because he could not help it. + +The Hon. Middleton Flam was sent for upon the first tidings of +this extraordinary kicking in the traces by these high-mettled +institutions--tidings which reached Quodlibet, via the canal, about +eleven o'clock one morning in May. The Directors were summoned into +council. What was to be done? was the general question. Anthony +Hardbottle, of the firm of Barndollar & Hardbottle--a grave man and a +thoughtful; a man without flash, who seldom smiles--a lean man, hard +favored and simple in his outgoings and incomings; a man, who has never +sported, as long as I have known him, any other coat than that +snuff-brown with covered buttons, and who does not wear out above one +pair of shoes in a year; a man who could never be persuaded to give so +far into the times as to put on a black cravat, but has always stuck to +the white:--such a man, it may be easily imagined, was not to be carried +away by new-fangled notions:--he was there at the Board, in place of +Theodore Fog, who was compelled two years before to withdraw his name as +a candidate for re-election. This same Anthony Hardbottle, speaking +under the dictates of that cautious wisdom natural to him as a merchant, +answered this question of What was to be done?--by another equally +laconic and pregnant with meaning---- + +"How much cash have we on hand?" + +"One hundred and seven dollars and thirty-seven and a half cents in +silver," replied Nicodemus, "and five half eagles in gold, which were +brought here by our honorable President and placed on deposit, after he +had used them in the last election for the purpose of showing the people +what an admirable currency we were to have, as soon as Mr. Benton should +succeed in making it float up the stream of the Mississippi." + +Again asked Anthony Hardbottle, "What circulation have you abroad?" + +"Six hundred thousand dollars," replied Nicodemus, "and a trifle over." + +"Then," said Anthony, "I think we had better suspend with the rest." + +"Never," said the Hon. Middleton Flam, rising from his seat and thumping +the table violently with his hand. "Never, sir, while I am President of +this bank, and there is a shot in the locker." + +"Bravo--well said, admirably said, spoke as a Quodlibetarian ought to +speak!" shouted Dr. Thomas G. Winkleman, the keeper of the soda-water +Pavilion; "I have fifteen dollars in five-penny bits; they are at the +service of the Board, and while I hold a piece of coin, the Patriotic +Copperplate Bank shall never be subjected to the reproach of being +unable to meet its obligations. Anthony Hardbottle, as a Democrat I am +surprised at you." + +"I can't help it," replied Anthony; "in my opinion, our issues are +larger than our means." + +"How larger, sir?" demanded Mr. Snuffers, the President of the New +Light, with some asperity of tone.--"Haven't we a batch of bran-new +notes, just signed and ready for delivery? Redeem the old ones with new. +Why should we suspend?" + +"Gentlemen, I will put the question to the Board," interposed Mr. Flam, +fearful lest a quarrel might arise, if the debate continued. "Shall this +bank suspend specie payments? Those in favor of this iniquitous +proposition will say AY." + +No one answered. Anthony Hardbottle was intimidated by the President's +stern manner. + +"Those opposed to it will say NO." + +"No!" was the universal acclamation of the Board, with the exception of +Anthony Hardbottle who did not open his lips. + +"Thank you, gentlemen," said Mr. Flam, "for this generous support. I +should have been compelled by the adoption of this proposition, much as +I esteem this Board, much as I value your good opinion, to have returned +the commission with which you have honored me as your President. Our +country first, and then ourselves! The Democracy of Quodlibet never will +suspend!" + +At this moment confused noises were heard in the banking-room, which +adjoined that in which the Directors were convened. Mr. Handy +immediately sprang from his chair and went into this apartment. + +There stood about thirty persons, principally boatmen from the canal. At +their head, some paces advanced into the bank, was Flanigan Sucker. One +sleeve of Flan's coat was torn open from the shoulder to the wrist; his +shirt, of a very indefinite complexion, was open at the breast, +disclosing the shaggy mat of hair that adorned this part of his person; +his corduroy trowsers had but one suspender to keep them up, thus giving +them rather a lop-sided set. His face was fiery-red; and his hat, which +was considerably frayed at the brim, was drawn over one ear, and left +uncovered a large portion of his forehead and crown which were +embellished by wild elf locks of carroty hue. + +"Nicodemus," said Flan. as soon as the Cashier made his appearance, "we +have come to make a run upon the bank:--they say you've bursted your +biler." Then turning to the crowd behind him, he shouted, "Growl, +Tigers!--Yip! yip! Hurra!" + +As Flan. yelled out these words, a strange muttering sound broke forth +from the multitude. + +"What put into your drunken noddle that we have broke?" inquired Mr. +Handy, with great composure, as soon as silence was restored. + +"Nim Porter ses, Nicodemus, that you're a gone horse, and that if you +ain't busted up, you will be before night. So we have determined on a +run." + +Nim Porter, who was standing in the rear of the crowd, where he had +come to see how matters were going on, now stepped forward. Nim is the +fattest man in Quodlibet, and besides, is the most dressy and +good-natured man we have. On this occasion there he stood with a stiff +starched linen roundabout jacket on, as white as the driven snow, with +white drilling pantaloons just from the washerwoman, and the most +strutting ruffle to his shirt that could have been manufactured out of +cambric. In all points he was unlike the crowd of persons who occupied +the room. "I said nothing of the sort--" was Nim's reply--"and I am +willing now to bet ten to one that he can't produce a man here to say I +said so." + +"What's the odds!" cried Flan; "Nicodemus, we are resolved upon a +run--so shell out!" + +"Begin when it suits you," said Mr. Handy. "Let me have your note, and I +will give you either silver or gold as you choose." + +"You don't catch me that way," shouted Flan., with a drunken grimace. +"Notes is not in my line--shell out anyhow. We have determined on a +run--a genuine, dimmycratic sortie." + +"Have you none of our paper?" again inquired Mr. Handy. + +"Not a shaving, Nicodemus," replied Flan. "What's the odds?" + +"But I have," said a big, squinting boatman, as he walked up to our +Cashier, and untied his leather wallet. "There's sixty dollars, and I'll +thank you for the cash. + +"And I have twenty-five more," cried out another. + +"And I twice twenty-five," said a gruff voice from the midst of the +crowd. + +All this time the number of persons outside was increasing, and very +profane swearing was heard about the door. Mr. Handy stepped to the +window to get a view of the assemblage, and seeing that nearly all the +movable part of Quodlibet was gathering in front of the building, he +retired with some trepidation into the Directors' room, and informed Mr. +Flam and the Board of what was going on. They had a pretty good +suspicion of this before Mr. Handy returned, for they had distinctly +heard the uproar. Mr. Handy no sooner communicated the fact to them, +than Mr. Flam, with considerable perturbation in his looks, rose and +declared that Quodlibet was in a state of insurrection; and, as every +one must be aware, that in the midst of a revolution no bank could be +expected to pay specie, he moved, in consideration of this menacing +state of affairs, that the Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet +suspend specie payments forthwith, and continue the same until such time +as the re-establishment of the public peace should authorize a +resumption. This motion was gratefully received by the Board, and +carried without a division. During this interval, the conspirators +having learned, through their leader, Flan. Sucker, that the Hon. +Middleton Flam was in the house, forthwith set up a violent shouting for +that distinguished gentleman to appear at the door. It was some moments +before our representative was willing to obey this summons: the Board of +Directors were thrown into a panic, and with great expedition got out of +the back window into the yard, and made their escape--thus leaving the +indomitable and unflinching President of the bank, a man of lion heart, +alone in the apartment; while the yells and shouts of the multitude were +ringing in his ears with awful reduplication. He was not at a loss to +perform his duty, but, with a dignified and stately movement, stalked +into the banking-room, approached the window that looked upon the +street, threw it open, and gave himself in full view to the multitude. + +There was a dreadful pause; a scowl sat upon every brow; a muttering +silence prevailed. As Tacitus says: "Non tumultus, non quies, sed quale +magni metus, et magnae irae silentium est." Mr. Flam raised his arm, and +spoke in this strain:-- + +"Men of Quodlibet, what madness has seized upon you? Do you assemble in +front of this edifice to make the day hideous with howling? Is it to +insult Nicodemus Handy, a worthy New Light, or is it to affright the +universe by pulling down these walls? Shame on you, men of Quodlibet! If +you have a vengeance to wreak, do not inflict it upon us. Go to the +Whigs, the authors of our misfortune. They have brought these things +upon us. Year after year have we been struggling to give you a +constitutional currency--the real Jackson gold----" + +"Three cheers for Middleton Flam!" cried out twenty voices, and +straightway the cheers ascended on the air; and in the midst was heard a +well-known voice, "Yip! yip!--Go it, Middleton!" + +"Yes, my friends," proceeded the orator, "while we have been laboring +to give you the solid metals; while we have been fighting against this +PAPER-MONEY PARTY, and have devoted all our energies to the endeavor to +prostrate the influence of these RAG BARONS, these MONOPOLISTS, THESE +CHAMPIONS OF VESTED RIGHTS AND CHARTERED PRIVILEGES, the WHIGS--we have +been foiled at every turn by the power of their unholy combinations of +associated wealth. They have filled your land with banks, and have +brought upon us all the curses of _over-trading_ and _over-speculating_, +until the people are literally on their faces at the footstool of the +Money Power. (Tremendous cheering.) Our course has been resolute and +unwaveringly patriotic. We have stood in the breach and met the storm; +but all without avail. Between the rich and the poor lies a mighty gulf. +The rich man _has_, the poor man _wants_. Of that which the rich hath, +does he give to the poor? Answer me, men of Quodlibet." + +"No!" arose, deep-toned, from every throat. + +"Then our course is plain. Poor men, one and all, rally round our +Democratic banner. Let the aristocrats know and feel that you will not +bear this tyranny." + +"We will," shouted Flan. Sucker. "Go it, Middleton!" + +"Gentlemen," continued Mr. Flam, "this bank of ours is purely +DEMOCRATIC. It is an exception to all other banks; it is emphatically +the poor man's friend: nothing can exceed the skill and caution with +which it has been conducted. Would that all other banks were like it! We +have, comparatively, but a small issue of paper afloat; we have a large +supply of specie. You perceive, therefore, that we fear no run. You all +saw with what alacrity our Cashier proffered to redeem whatever amount +our respectable fellow-citizen, that excellent Democrat, Mr. Flanigan +Sucker, might demand. (Cheers, and a cry of 'Yip!') Mr. Sucker was +satisfied, and did not desire to burden himself with specie. Gentlemen, +depend upon _me_. When there is danger, if such a thing could be to this +New-Light Democratic bank, I will be the first to give you warning. +(Cheers, and 'Hurrah for Flam.') Born with an instinctive love of the +people, I should be the vilest of men, if I could ever forget my duty to +them. (Immense cheering, and cries of 'Flam forever!') Take my advice, +retire to your homes, keep an eye on the Whigs and their wicked schemes +to bolster up the State banks, make no run upon this institution--it is +an ill bird that defiles its own nest--and, before you depart, +gentlemen, let me inform you that, having the greatest regard to your +interest, we have determined upon a temporary suspension, as a mere +matter of caution against the intrigues of the Whigs, who, we have every +reason to believe, actuated by their implacable hatred of the New-Light +Democracy, will assail this, your favorite bank, with a malevolence +unexampled in all their past career. (Loud cheers, and cries of 'Stand +by the bank.') But, Quodlibetarians, rally, and present a phalanx more +terrible than the Macedonian to the invader. You can--I am sure you +will--and, therefore, I tell you your bank is safe." + +"We can, we will!" rose from the whole multitude, accompanied with +cheers that might vie with the bursting of the ocean surge. + +"Gentlemen," added Mr. Flam, "I thank you for the manifestation of this +patriotic sentiment. It is no more than I expected of Quodlibet. In +conclusion, I am requested, my good friends, by Mr. Handy, to say that +having just prepared some notes on a _superior_ paper, he will redeem at +the counter any old ones you may chance to hold, in that new emission; +and I can with pride assure you, that this late supply is equal, +perhaps, to anything that has ever been issued in the United States. +With my best wishes, gentlemen, for your permanent prosperity, under the +new and glorious dynasty of that distinguished New-Light Democrat, whom +the unbought suffrages of millions of freemen have called to the supreme +executive chair, (cheers,) and under whose lead we fondly indulge the +hope of speedily sweeping from existence this pestilential brood of Whig +banks, I respectfully take my leave." + +Having concluded this masterly appeal to the reason and good sense of +the people, Mr. Flam withdrew under nine distinct rounds of applause. + +The effect of this powerful speech, which has often since been compared +to that of Cicero against Catiline, was completely to still the public +mind of Quodlibet, and also to remove all apprehensions of the solidity +of our bank. But its happiest feature was the vindication of the bank +against that charge of treachery and ingratitude which so justly lies at +the door of all the other banks of the country. The Patriotic +Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet was, as Mr. Flam observed, _purely +Democratic_--Democratic in its origin, in its principles, in its +organization, in its management, in its officers, its stockholders, and +its customers. Such a bank, of course, could not be unfaithful to the +Democratic administration that fostered it--_infidelity or ingratitude +to party is no inhabitant of a Democratic bosom_. If there be men upon +earth who go all lengths, through thick and thin, for party, it is (I +say it with pride) the genuine New-Light Quodlibetarian Democracy. Our +bank, therefore, stands uncontaminated by that revolting perfidy which, +at the instigation of Biddle and the Barings, brought all the other +banks, in which there are Whig directors or officers, into the most +wicked conspiracy recorded in history. + +It was not long after this astounding event before the opinions uttered +above were fully and most remarkably confirmed by a letter from the +Hermitage; a letter which for its shrewdness of view, its perspicacity, +its lucid style and Hero-and-Sage-like felicity of construction, is +unequaled in the productions of the venerable Chief. I am happy to +insert it here, as a most eloquent exposition of the causes of the +suspension--feeling assured that its distinguished author had no +reference to the Democratic banks, and especially none to ours of +Quodlibet, but intended it entirely for the vile Whigs. + +"_The history of the world_," says this immortal man, writing July +ninth, to the virgin-minded, tremulously-sensitive, and unrewarded +editor of the Globe, "_never has recorded such base treachery and +perfidy as has been committed by the deposit banks against the +government, and purely with a view of gratifying Biddle and the Barings, +and by the suspension of specie payments, degrade, embarrass, and ruin, +if they could, their own country, for the selfish views of making large +profits by throwing out millions of depreciated paper upon the +people--selling their specie at large premiums, and buying up their own +paper at discounts of from 25 to 50 per cent., and now looking forward +to be indulged in these speculations for years to come before they +resume specie payments._" + +Oracular old man! Sage and Seer! Priest and Prophet to lead thine +Israelites beyond Jordan! Happy do I, S. S., Schoolmaster of Quodlibet, +account myself that I have lived in this thy day! + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + SIGNS OF DISCORD IN QUODLIBET--THE IRON-RAILING + CONTROVERSY--AGAMEMNON FLAG'S NOMINATION--REVOLT OF THEODORE + FOG--THE CELEBRATED SPLIT--CONSEQUENCES OF JESSE FERRET'S + PERNICIOUS DOGMA IN REFERENCE TO PUBLICANS--FIRST FRUITS OF THE + SPLIT MANIFESTED AT MRS. FERRET'S TEA DRINKING--GRAVE REFLECTIONS + BY THE AUTHOR--MORAL. + + +The exciting summer of 1837, with the special election of a member of +Congress for the extra session--to which we returned our long-tried +and faithful representative, Mr. Middleton Flam, almost without +opposition--went by. All eyes were turned upon the proceedings of +Congress at that extra sitting; and a great many speculations were +afloat in Quodlibet, where, I am pained to disclose the fact, very +serious contrariety of opinion began to spring up in reference to the +Sub-Treasury. Our State election, for members of the Legislature, was to +come on in October, and a convention, called for the purpose, +had nominated Agamemnon Flag, at the head of the ticket, with +Abram Schoolcraft, the nursery man in Bickerbray, and Curtius +Short, Cheap store-keeper in Tumbledown, as the Regular New-Light +Democratic Quodlibetarian candidates. Unhappily this nomination gave +dissatisfaction to numbers of our friends. Agamemnon Flag, who was the +only stump man on the ticket, (Schoolcraft and Short having expressly +stipulated that they were not to be called on to speak in the canvass,) +was a young member of the bar, comparatively a stranger to many in the +Borough, (having within the last year removed from Bickerbray,) and, +laboring under the infirmity of short-sightedness, wore a delicate pair +of gold spectacles. I have observed that short-sighted persons in +general are not apt to be popular in a Democratic government. + +But there was another matter that operated against Agamemnon. Quodlibet +had been made the county-seat of justice by an act of the last +Legislature, and we were just finishing a court-house which, in +anticipation of this event, we had commenced a year before. A question +arose among the townspeople, whether the court-house square should be +surrounded by a wooden or by an iron railing. This question created +great agitation. Several Whigs of the Borough made themselves active in +the debate, and went for the iron. The New-Light Quods were strong for +wood. Agamemnon Flag, seeing that a great deal of ill blood was getting +up between the parties, made a speech to a town meeting on this subject, +and went in for a compromise--he was for wood on the _two sides_ and +_back_ of the square, and iron _in front_. This proposition he advocated +with great earnestness and ability, and finally carried his point by a +close vote. The wooden party said that the vote was not a fair one, and +that they could not regard it as a legitimate expression of the popular +voice, because it was taken just as a shower of rain was coming up, when +many persons present who had come without umbrellas had given no heed to +the question, and voted as it were in the dark. However, the vote was +not recalled, and the iron railing is now in a course of fabrication +over at the Hogback Forge, which happens unluckily to be owned by +Stephen P. Crabstock, one of the most bull-headed Whigs in this county, +the job being given by the commissioners to him in consequence of there +being no genuine New-Light Democratic iron works in this part of the +county. + +When Agamemnon Flag was brought out at the head of the ticket for the +Legislature, nothing was said about the iron railing, and we had good +reason to suppose that every true Quod would support the nomination; +which in fact was made by the direction of our honorable representative +in Congress, who had a great liking for Flag in consequence of a very +beautifully written memoir of Mr. Flam, which appeared two years ago in +the Bickerbray Scrutinizer, when Flag lived in that town. In point of +principle, Agamemnon was altogether unexceptionable. He was an +out-and-out Flamite of the first water, and an unadulterated +Quodlibetarian in every sentiment. + +Theodore Fog--I regret to be obliged to mention his name in any terms +of disparagement, because he is unquestionably a man of talents and a +true-bred New Light, and certainly we owe Theodore a good deal--had been +very sour for some time past. He had never forgotten the making of +Middleton Flam President of the bank. I have in a former chapter hinted +somewhat of Theodore's unfortunate habits. Dolet mihi,--I grieve to +repeat these things. But the truth must be told. His diurnal aberrations +became at length so conspicuous that, after being twice elected a +Director of the bank, his name was struck off the ticket and Anthony +Hardbottle's substituted in his place. Theodore never had much practice +at the bar, although he considers himself the founder of that fraternity +at Quodlibet, being for a season the only lawyer in the Borough. That +little practice had now pretty nearly left him; in consequence of which +he thought himself badly used, and therefore entitled to a support from +the public. These feelings operating upon his mind, induced him, soon +after the nomination of Agamemnon Flag, to come out in opposition and +declare himself an Independent Candidate. + +The Whigs, taking advantage of this split in the party, brought out Andy +Grant, son of old Michael of the Hogback; a young man of fair character, +but wholly and fatally imbued with those dangerous opinions which have +already brought so many misfortunes upon our country. + +This was the state of things at the commencement of the month of +September; and it will be seen in the sequel that very serious +difficulties grew out of this division. + +A meeting of the voters of the county, which included the three towns of +Quodlibet, Tumbledown, and Bickerbray, was called at the Sycamore +Spring, upon the Rumblebottom, about five miles below Quodlibet. This +meeting was to be held on the eighth. A reference to these events is +necessary to explain the scene which I am about to present to my reader. + +Jesse Ferret, as my reader knows, had brought himself into some scandal +by his indefinite political sentiments, and that most unquodlibetarian +dogma that "a Publican should have no side." Now, Mrs. Ferret and her +daughter, Susan Barndollar, were just antipodes to Jesse. Two truer +women, more firm-set in the New-Light Democracy, more constant in +opinion, whether in the utterance thereof or in its quality, and better +able to hold their own, have I never chanced to meet, than this +respectable mother and daughter. It is common to say women are not +allowed a voice in our government. My faith! these two ladies had a +voice in Quodlibet, allowed or not allowed--let the theory go as it +may:--and Jesse Ferret knows that full well. + +Mrs. Ferret is what we call a fleshy or lusty woman: she weighed two +hundred and twelve, in Neal Hopper's new one-sided patent scale at the +mill. She is amazingly well padded with fat across the shoulders, and +has a craw-shaped bosom that in some degree encroaches upon her neck; +and she is famous for wearing a large frilled and quilled cap with many +blue ribbons, being a little given to finery. Although Susan Barndollar +was grown up and married, Mrs. Ferret had a child in the arms at that +time; and Jesse has even boasted, within the last five years, of running +two cradles at one time. + +It was on the evening of the seventh of September, the night before the +meeting at the Sycamore Spring, when Mrs. Ferret had a tea drinking in +the back parlor, at which I, the only one of the masculine, was present +as a guest. Mrs. Younghusband was of the party, and Mrs. Snuffers, with +her interesting fat female infant nine months old; the same dear child +whose arrangements to appear in this world of cares procured me the +honor of presiding over the New Light, on the memorable occasion of Mr. +Flam's great speech at Christmas, whereof I have spoken in a former +chapter: thanks to Mrs. Snuffers for that considerate favor! This good +lady was there; and these two, with the addition of Miss Hardbottle, +elder sister of Barndollar & Hardbottle, and Mrs. Susan Barndollar, who +lived at home with her mother, made up the company. + +"There is one thing," said Mrs. Ferret, as she rocked herself in a huge +hickory arm-chair, which had been built on purpose for her, "that I _do_ +hold in despise; and that is, one of these here men who haint got no +opinions. Ef you believe me, Mrs. Snuffers, that man Jesse Ferret--this +woman's father, (pointing to Mrs. Barndollar,) God forgive me that I +should say anythink aginst my datur's own lawful flesh and blood!--but +he's actelly afeard to go down to-morrow to the Sycamore Spring to hear +the tongue-lashing which Theodore Fog, which is a man I always +respected--they say he drinks, but there's many a man which don't drink, +hasn't half his brains--Jesse's actelly afeard to go and hear how +Theodore will use up Ag Flag and Andy Grant both at the same time, least +they might be for making him take sides, which he hasn't the +spunk to do. My patience! but it would be nuts to me to hear the +speechification!--and, to think of it--that man hasn't the heart of a +goose to go to the meeting!" + +"Ah, Mrs. Ferret," said Mrs. Snuffers, talking as if she had a cold in +the head, her voice being husky, in fact, from having taken a +large pinch of snuff, "them politicks--them politicks! Poor Mr. +Snuffers!--dear man: I 'spose you know he is President of the New Light; +he's losing his naiteral rest upon account of that split. He put in his +wote in the conwention for Ag, as innocent as a lamb, and here comes up +that obstropolus iron railing, and smashes all the New Lights into outer +darkness, with diwisions and contentions and all sorts of infractions. +Mr. Snuffers says he shouldn't wonder if that unfortnate step should +take the Hay Scales from him and leave me and this here innocent darlin' +babe in a state of destitution. Oh them politicks!" + +"Well, let people stand by their colors, says I," interposed Mrs. +Barndollar, tartly, with a sharp shake of her head; "I go with my ma, +although pa is pa. I think people ought to speak what they please, and +mean what they please; and it's a mean thing not to do so, and that's +gospel truth, or else this is not a free country. Ma is right; and if +Mr. Snuffers is what Mr. Barndollar calls a Whole Hog, he'll not mind +the people a jot, but go with his party; that's the law. And I don't +agree by no means with ma, in going for Theodore against the +nomination." + +"Susan Barndollar, are you in earnest?" inquired her affectionate ma. +"Who put it into your head to underrate and strangle down Theodore Fog, +the oldest friend we have had sence we came to Quodlibet? and who brings +more custom to our bar than the whole New-Light Club put together. +Susan, Susan, I hope Jacob hain't been putting none of these ungrateful +ideers into your breast. Ef this house of ours, commonly called and +known by the name of The Hero, ought to go for any human, mortal, +individual man, that man is Theodore Fog. Ef he is a little exintric in +regard of his drinking, it won't be no new think in the Legislater, ef +the tenth part of what I heerd is true. Ladies--tea," said the dame, as +at this time a negro woman entered with a tray filled with great store +of provender--"help yourself, Mrs. Younghusband--take a plate on your +knee, and fork up one of them warfields--and take care of your gown, +they're a dripping with butter. Mr. Secondthoughts, what under heaven +has become of your perliteness that you can see Mrs. Younghusband a +fishing up that briled dried beef without her fork no more sticking in +it than if it was a live eel in the gravy!" + +"Never mind me, Mrs. Ferret," replied Mrs. Younghusband, "and don't be a +troublin' the schoolmaster on my account. They do say that there's some +persons as hard to catch and pin down as hung beef crisped and floating +in butter, and as you justly remarked, a while ago, one of these persons +is not a hundred miles off from this house:" and here this good woman +laughed heartily at her own joke. + +"Oh Jesse Ferret, in course!" exclaimed the landlady. + +"My pa!" said Mrs. Barndollar, joining in the laugh. + +"As Mr. Ferret hasn't got many friends here," said Miss Hardbottle, +"I'll be one. I think he is quite right, if he has no opinions, not to +express them. Don't you think so, Mr. Secondthoughts?" + +"Madam," said I in a very grave manner, "if I might be allowed to +express myself freely, I would venture to remark, that it is very +important to the ascendency of the New-Light Quodlibetarian Democratic +party, that there should be no strife nor division in our ranks; and +that, feeling the importance of this sentiment, it is one of our +fundamental principles to go with the majority--whenever it can be +ascertained. Now between Agamemnon Flag and Theodore Fog----" + +"Theodore Fog is sich a _good_ creature!" interrupted Mrs. Ferret. + +"Ag is a _dear_ young man," said Mrs. Barndollar. + +"As for that, ladies," said Miss Hardbottle, "if you speak of goodness +or beauty, Andy Grant can beat either, though he is a Whig." + +"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Ferret. + +"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Snuffers. + +"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Younghusband. + +"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Barndollar--all four at once. + +"I do think so," said Miss Hardbottle, sharply, "and what I do think, I +say." + +"You have no right to say it, madam," said Mrs. Barndollar. + +"Free country," said Miss Hardbottle. + +"No such a thing for Whigs," quickly returned Mrs. Barndollar. + +"Ladies! ladies! ladies!" said I, "peace, if you please:" but there was +no peace, for these excellent females soon got into such a state of +confusion in the attack and defense of Andy Grant, that I believe the +tea-party would have broken up in a state of rebellion, if it had not +been for the entrance of Mr. Ferret in the very height of the tumult. +His appearance gave another turn to the conversation, for it all turned +upon him. + +"And so you are not going to the Sycamore Spring to-morrow," cried one. + +"And I 'spose you won't vote for Theodore Fog," said Number Two. + +"Nor for Ag Flag," said Number Three. + +"But you will drop in a sly ticket for Andy Grant, may be, at last, ef +no one should find you out," said Mrs. Ferret, who in this series +counted Number Four. "Oh Jesse Ferret, ef you had a drop of blood in you +that wasn't milk-and-water, you would be ashamed of sich shilly-shally +conduct, that even the women makes you a laughing-stock!" + +"Wife," said Jesse, taking a fierce stand in self-defense, "drop it! If +my blood was milk-and-water, it would be curds-and-whey before this +time. I tell you again, old lady, a Publican's got no right to have +sentiments. The party's double splitted, and no man knows which way to +turn himself. There's that cursed Iron Railing; and there's that +infernal Suspension; and there's the Divorce of the Government from bed +and board with the banks, that everybody's talking about; and there's +Purse and Sword, and Specie Circlar, and Mint Drops, and the Lord knows +what; that a poor, sinful, infallible tavern keeper doesn't know who's +who, and what's what. I'm sure I can't tell whether I'm on my head or my +heels; and if I was to go down yonder to the Sycamore Spring and hear +all the palavering there, I should get so flustrated I wouldn't know +which eend of me went foremost. So, I tell you I'll stay at home and +stick to my motto:--that's as good as if I swore to it. Solomon +Secondthoughts, ain't I right?" + +"Jesse," said I, mildly, "have you any respect for the opinion of our +distinguished representative, my former pupil, Middleton Flam?" + +"Well, I voted for him," replied Jesse. + +"Then," said I, "I admit there is a great perplexity about all these +public measures and men, just at this time; and I am willing to allow +that the New-Light Democracy do not as yet exactly understand their own +minds; and therefore it is quite lawful to pause and look about you +before you take your stand. This thing is certain, that the New-Light +Democracy will undoubtedly go with the government, whatever line it +chalks out for following the footsteps of its illustrious predecessor. +Whether that line shall lead us North or South, East or West, my poor +skill is not able to instruct you. Whether we are _for_ the banks or +_against_ them, is yet undecided, since we are pledged at least in favor +of our own. In a Quodlibetarian sense, I do not scruple to affirm that +we are _against_ the banks and _for_ the divorce; but in a private sense +that opinion will require some reflection. Mr. Flam will be home from +Congress before long, and until then we shall suspend our opinion. We +are, at all hazards, real Flam men. Flam--I drop the mister when I speak +of him as a principle--is our polar star--our cynosure in politics--our +Pisgah, which gives us a view of the Promised Land. As a principle, our +New-Light Democracy is all out-and-out Flam. Flam is our father, our +guide, our Pillar of Cloud. Wait till Middleton Flam comes home." + +Having thrown out these well-weighed and sententious remarks, both for +the women and for Jesse, I was inwardly delighted to see how soothing +was the effect upon my auditory; and as it is a precept inculcated by +some sage observer of mankind, I forget his name, to leave your company +when you have made an agreeable impression upon them, I did not tarry +for further converse, but took up my hat and stick, and bade my worthy +friends "good night." + +Upon my return to my lodgings, I sat down and made the foregoing +narration of what had passed in my presence, and I have incorporated the +same into this history, with no little mortification; feeling myself +compelled thereto by the consideration that the scene I have described, +being, as it were, the first fruits of that unhappy dissension which +grew up among the New Lights, and a significant commentary thereon, it +may serve in the way of warning to all good Quodlibetarian Democrats who +may chance to peruse these pages, against the folly of ever allowing +themselves to have any individual opinions, when the leaders and +marshals of the party shall have taken the trouble off their hands of +thinking and determining for them. And, indeed, the moral may be carried +further. For it is obvious, if Jesse Ferret had acted in the spirit and +the intelligence of a true Quod, he would have ascertained the majority +and gone with it; instead of which, he intrenched himself behind this +fortress of neutrality, comprehended in the absurd dogma that a Publican +ought to have no sides. Undoubtedly, the true precept should be in all +cases of public servants, "Take the upper side." Thereon chiefly hangs +the Quodlibetarian theory. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + GREAT MEETING AT THE SYCAMORE SPRING--SOME DESCRIPTION OF THE + ARRANGEMENTS--NICODEMUS HANDY CHOSEN TO PRESIDE ON THIS + OCCASION--MOTION TO THAT EFFECT BY MR. SNUFFERS--THIS WORTHY + GENTLEMAN'S MISFORTUNE--HIS ESCAPE--SUCCESSFUL ORGANIZATION + OF THE MEETING. + + +The morning of the 8th of September, Anno Domini 1837, was cloudless and +cool. The dust had been laid by a shower of rain a little before +daylight, and the day therefore was auspicious to the wishes of all who +proposed to assemble at the Sycamore Spring. By eight o'clock Ante +Meridiem, Nicodemus Handy's barouche, with two beautiful bays, stood +upon the gravel before Handy House on Copperplate Ridge. Agamemnon Flag, +attired in a new blue coat with figured gilt buttons, white waistcoat, +india-rubber watch-guard, snowy pantaloons of very fine drilling, and +boots of drab prunelle, tipped at the toes with polished French leather, +a watered-silk cravat, and gold spectacles, sat at the breakfast-table +with Mrs. Handy and Henrietta, her daughter--the smallest, the neatest, +and the best-shaped female, it is said by those who pretend to be +judges, in Quodlibet. + +Nicodemus was in a flurry. He had swallowed his breakfast with great +dispatch, and four servants were busily in attendance upon him. Sam, the +waiter, was beating time in the hall with a corn whisk alternately upon +the person of his master and his left hand, after a very favorite and +ingenious fashion of dusting a gentleman's coat, only known to and +practiced by that musical race of colored dandies, of which Sam was a +first-rate specimen. Sarah, a lady of Sam's complexion, Mrs. Handy's +maid, was running up stairs to sprinkle some verbena perfume on Mr. +Handy's cambric handkerchief; William was smoothing the nap of his +glossy-black Brewster with a brush as soft as silk; and Mrs. Trotter, +the housekeeper, was arranging a basket of sandwiches and a bottle of +Rudesheimer to be stowed away in the box of the back seat of the +barouche. The coachman, in a sky-blue frock, and hat with gold band +secured by a huge buckle, was in his seat holding the reins, every +moment speaking to the horses to make them restive, and then whipping +them for not standing still. The whole scene was one eminently +calculated to disprove that stale Whig slander which purports to affirm +that "all the decency" was in their ranks:--nothing could be more +striking than this refutation of it. And as I was myself present--having +called in at that moment to deliver a message from the New-Light Club to +Mr. Handy, apprising him of their intention to move that he should act +as chairman of the meeting to be held at the Sycamore Spring--I +witnessed with lively satisfaction the very decided impression of +pleasure made upon an assemblage of New Lights, who stood looking on +outside of the front gate, by this triumphant vindication of our party +from the malevolent insinuations of the Whig press. + +Agamemnon Flag seemed to be very much at his ease, and to be thinking +but little about the meeting, while he sat uttering some pleasant things +to Miss Handy;--at least I suppose they must have been pleasant to her, +as she and her mother both laughed a good deal at what he said. +By-the-by, there is a report in the Borough, that Ag is making up to +this young lady, which will be a grand thing for him if she favors him, +since she is an only child, and Nicodemus is amazingly rich. + +"God bless me, my dear!" said Mr. Handy, breaking away from Sam's whisk, +and speaking after the manner of a table of contents, (a habit which he +has acquired since he has grown rich,) "past eight o'clock--I'm to be +the chairman of that meeting--ought to be early on the ground--five +miles off--no time for nonsense now--you and Henrietta and Ag--have to +drive like lightning--barbacue, my dear--want to see the arrangements +before the voters arrive--the schoolmaster will take a seat along side +of Nace." + +"Thank you kindly," said I; "I accept your offer with great pleasure." + +"Shan't want William," he added, referring to the servant who generally +rode with the coachman--"upon second thoughts, will put _our_ +Secondthoughts inside--ha! ha!--_must_ have William--_shall_ want him; +you can sit (speaking to me) on the front seat--Ag and I behind--offer +the other seat to Barndollar--want to be civil to _him_, my dear--come, +hurry, hurry, hurry!--William, get on your livery and be prepared to +mount beside Nace." + +As it was very manifest that Mr. Handy was really in a hurry--as very +opulent men are exceedingly apt to be--there was of course a great +bustle to accommodate him, by getting off. Agamemnon immediately rose +from the breakfast-table, and, taking up his superfine Leghorn hat, +which was very chastely adorned with a light yellow ribbon band, the +ends whereof hung a little over the rim, he put it gently on his head, +and then standing before the ladies, asked them with very apparent +complacency, whether they thought he was in good trim to appear before +the Democracy--and having received answer that "he was exactly the +thing," he signified his readiness to depart; whereupon we all bustled +out to the barouche and took our seats. William clambered into his +place, and away we went at full trot, down to The Hero to take up Jacob +Barndollar. + +When we arrived at the tavern door, we found there Nim Porter's +trotting buggy with his stub-tailed gray. Nim himself appeared on the +steps in a big broad-brimmed low-crowned Russia blue hat, set very +knowingly over his right eye, with a long taper whip in his hand; and +before we could take up Mr. Barndollar, this most good natured of +bar-keepers, with an agility not to be expected in so fat a person, +sprang up into his tub-shaped seat, which held him about as compactly as +the shell of an acorn holds the nut, and spreading the skirts of his +green coatee with steel buttons over the periphery of the same, darted +off at a speed of about fifteen miles to the hour, down the Rumblebottom +road. During this time Mrs. Ferret filled the front door, and Mrs. +Barndollar was looking over her shoulder, while they both opened their +batteries upon poor Jesse Ferret, in a contemporaneous objurgation of +his mean-spiritedness, addressed to Mr. Handy in the barouche, but +intended for the master of the hotel, who looked rather sheepishly +through the window of the bar-room. Before he could say anything in his +own defense, and even before the amiable ladies of his family were done +talking, Jacob Barndollar came out, and got into the barouche; and as +Mr. Handy was growing more and more impatient, he ordered Nace to lose +no time, and so off we started. As well as I could judge, from looking +back, until we turned down by Christy M'Curdy's mill, Mrs. Ferret was +still arguing her case in the front door of The Hero. + +All the roads leading to the Sycamore Spring were filled with persons +on horseback, on foot, in gigs, buggies, barouches, and rattle-traps of +every sort. It was obvious we were going to have a great meeting. Before +nine o'clock, Mr. Handy was on the ground. About a hundred persons were +already there. Booths were scattered along under the huge elms and +sycamores which shaded a low flat upon the margin of the Rumblebottom. +The fine, copious, old spring--where there has been many a barbacue in +my time--was pouring out its crystal treasures, as some poet says, with +prodigal bounty, and transferring them, as the Secretary does the +deposits, by large draughts, from the living rock to the running +Rumblebottom--in fact, taking them out of one bank, and distributing +them between others. Not far from this spring, adumbrated by +over-arching boughs--the reader will excuse this poetical orgasm--for +fifteen years and upwards have I been visiting this fountain, sacred to +Pan, (we used to have fish frys here,) and have ever grown poetical at +the sight thereof--it is my infirmity: not far from the spring stood the +tables--boards on trestles, and on the boards trenchers filled with +cubic sections of beef, lamb, mutton, and ham, interspersed with +pyramids of bread--a goodly sight! Upon skids, remote from the tables, +stood a barrel of old Monongahela, and hard by in a cart, tumblers, +pitchers, noggins, and bottles. Far off, at the opposite confine of this +field of action, was a stage erected, with a chair for the President of +the day, and benches of unplaned board for persons of inferior dignity. +Everything was in order; and now that Mr. Handy had arrived he had +nothing to do but wait for the gathering in of the people. + +Presently Mr. Grant, mounted on a large bow-necked bay, arrived, with +his four sons, all men grown, of a rustic, farmer-like complexion; they +were attended by Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson, of The Whole Team, +and some dozen Whigs from Thorough Blue, who had traveled as far as Mr. +Grant's the night before, and now made a very solid and formidable +troop. Andrew Grant, the candidate, a youth of good presence, and +reputable, (bating his politics,) was of this party. Andy had been to +college, and his father first intended to make a doctor of him, but the +lad somehow took a dislike to physic, and turned in to this new business +of engineering on canals and railroads, and was considered, I believe, a +tolerably smart hand in that calling. But as he happened to catch a +bilious fever in the Dismal Swamp, the old lady his mother, who always +had made a pet of him, would not hear of his going back to that line of +livelihood; and so he stayed at home helping to manage at the Hogback +farm, and doing pretty much as _he_ pleased; until, about a year before +he was brought out, he married Stephen P. Crabstock's daughter; and ever +since that event does as his _wife_ pleases--spending his time one part +of the year at the Iron Works, and the other at the old man's. + +By eleven o'clock the company had pretty nearly got to its maximum. A +large party came down in a wagon from Quodlibet with Abel Brawn--among +them Neal Hopper, Sandy Buttercrop, Davy Post the wheelwright, and I +can't tell how many more. Quipes, the painter, borrowed a horse out of +Geoffry Wheeler's team, and was there studying human nature and the +picturesque. Flan Sucker, one-eyed Ben Inky, and Jeff Drinker, with a +squad of regular loafers, came on foot. The Tumbledownians were there in +great force under Cale Goodfellow, to help Theodore Fog; and the +Bickerbrayians with Virgil Philpot, the editor of The Scrutinizer, +mustered a heavy phalanx in favor of Ag Flag. To swell the assemblage to +its largest compass, there were about fifty laborers from the +newly-begun Bickerbray and Meltpenny Railroad, a worthy accession to the +New-Light Democracy, who had about a month before this meeting come into +the State. + +This is a hasty glance over the field of action, and will serve to show +that the country was all alive to the importance of the occasion and +duly estimated the nature of the crisis. Looking over this congregation +I, as one having knowledge therein, may safely affirm, that the genuine +Quods present fully outnumbered the Whigs three to one. Eliphalet Fox, +who has been more accustomed to measure crowds, however, after a minute +inspection of the various groups, judging by that tact which he says +never failed him in discriminating between what he calls a Loco Foco and +a Whig, (he does not pretend to say that he is so expert in pointing out +a New Light, but as to a Loco he asserts he is perfect,) set down the +number at nearer ten to one; and accordingly so reported it in the +account of the meeting which afterwards appeared in The Whole Hog. +Without, however, dwelling upon this topic, let us proceed to the +business of the day. + +At twelve o'clock dinner was announced; and this army of hungry +politicians, with a unanimity of sentiment, an accord of principle, and +a concert of action, which we might in vain seek for in other +occupations of a political nature, combined, like a band of brothers, to +devour the largest possible amount of the stores which lay before them. +With somewhat less agreement they made their advances to the +Monongahela; the more shy of the assemblage being rather kept at bay by +the remarkable perseverance and adhesiveness of Flan Sucker, one-eyed +Ben Inky, and a chosen body of troops under their command, who had +constituted themselves the forlorn hope in this assault. Still, as the +newspapers say when they are disposed to puff a popular play, the barrel +went off very much to the satisfaction, and, indeed, the delight of the +company. + +These matters being dispatched, Nicodemus Handy, who during the repast +had acted inimitably the part of a perfectly ravenous man, but who +having an eye to the sandwiches and Rudesheimer, made his appetite +rather a matter of "seems," rapped upon the table, and called upon every +man to fill up his glass; which order was faithfully obeyed by Flan +Sucker & Company, a firm that was in possession of all the tumblers--the +remainder of the guests allowing the filling to be, as we say in +grammar, "understood,"--and then offered the following toast, which, as +he said, would speak for itself:--"The several candidates who are about +to address the people--success to him who shall best deserve it!" Sucker +& Company drained to the bottom, and then set up a shrill yell, very +much in the style of the Winnebagoes, except that there was a running +note of "Yip!" that was distinctively Suckerian. + +"Now, gentlemen, to the stand!" cried out Mr. Handy. + +But before the crowd obeyed this order, Mr. Snuffers had a motion to +make. It was a matter of some importance, as the subject was considered +in the New-Light Club, that our party should have the President of the +day--and it was therefore determined that the moment dinner was over, +and before the Whigs might be aware of it, Mr. Snuffers, the head of our +club, should rise in some conspicuous place, and move that Nicodemus +Handy be requested to preside over the meeting. Mr. Snuffers is a slow +and nervous man, and was admonished to be on his guard, so as to make +sure of getting ahead of the Whigs who we knew wanted Mr. Grant in the +chair. He was in consequence very fidgety all the time of dinner; and +now, when the moment for action arrived, the good old gentleman elbowed +his way toward the center of the table, and without difficulty succeeded +in clambering upon an inverted and empty flour-barrel, which had once +been filled with bread. "I move, gentlemen," said he, with a tremulous +and agitated voice--"I move, gentlemen, that Mr. Nicodemus Handy----" + +Before the next word escaped from his lips, this worthy and respectable +old gentleman broke in, and in an instant (I am shocked to tell it) was +jammed up tight in the barrel--disappearing as a dip of twenty to the +pound is apt to do when stuck into a black bottle--"be President of this +meeting," said Mr. Doubleday, with a hurried utterance, taking up the +word which was lost with Mr. Snuffers, and which, but for the admirable +presence of mind of our Vice, might have been lost forever. + +"Break the barrel to pieces!" cried out forty voices. + +"Mr. Snuffers is blue in the face--he will die of apoplexy," cried out +others. + +"An ax!--knock the barrel to pieces!" shouted more, in great alarm at +his precarious situation. + +In a few moments our distressed and worthy President of the New Light +was extricated from his unpleasant durance, and finding no harm done, we +proceeded to take the question on the motion. Mr. Handy was thus called +to the chair. Nine Vice-Presidents were appointed, and six Secretaries +to record the proceedings. These matters being arranged, the whole +assemblage moved toward the rostrum at the opposite end of the wood. + +What followed we shall read in the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + SCENES AT THE SYCAMORE SPRING--NICODEMUS HANDY'S SPEECH AS + PRESIDENT--SKETCH OF ANDREW GRANT'S SPEECH--AGAMEMNON + FLAG'S--ATTEMPTS AT INTERRUPTION--THEODORE FOG'S CELEBRATED + SPEECH ON THIS OCCASION--ELOQUENT EXPOSITION OF + PRINCIPLES--HIS TRIUMPH--HIS MISFORTUNE--QUIPES'S + DISAPPOINTMENT OF HIS FRIENDS. + + +When the crowd had gathered around the stand appropriated to the +President, the nine Vice-Presidents, and the six Secretaries, besides +the speakers who were to address the meeting, and when every officer was +in his place, Nicodemus Handy came forward with his pocket-handkerchief +in his hand, wiping from his brow the perspiration, which naturally +breaks out on a man of sensibility and wealth when called to discharge +the honorable and responsible function of presiding over a vast +concourse of freemen. By way of digression, I would take this occasion +to remark upon the extreme appropriateness of the phrase which is now +universally used in describing meetings of the people, and which always +refers to them as _freemen_. Ever since the people have been drilled to +walk in the way appointed for them by the leaders of their respective +parties, and are so liberally told how they must think, speak, and vote; +and when no man is allowed to walk out of that path without being +threatened with condign punishment, it is extremely proper, in order to +avoid odious imputations which malevolent observers might cast upon +them, on all occasions to employ the phrase I have alluded to; since, if +this were neglected, these malevolent observers might take it into their +heads to call the people of our free Republic Tools, Instruments, +Rank-and-File, and other names significant of a state of subserviency, +which in the eyes of strangers might cast discredit on our free +institutions: even the _officers_ of our government might be branded +with the name of _hirelings_ and _servants_, and an opinion might thus +be fostered that, instead of being the freest nation upon earth, we +were a set of slaves governed by a set of hired servants--a most +unwarrantable, unjust, and derogatory conclusion. For this reason, I am +particular in the language above employed, and I think that every +genuine Quod will see the value and the force of my vindication and use +of this phrase. + +Mr. Handy rose to his feet, wiped his brow, and made a graceful +obedience to the assembled body of freemen. + +"Gentlemen," said he, with a most laudable diffidence, in a voice which +not more than fifteen persons, exclusive of the nine Vices and six +Secretaries, could hear; "sensible of the great honor--endeavor to +discharge with fidelity--obvious incapacity--but exceedingly flattered +by the testimony of your confidence;" then wiping his brow, still more +vehemently, with his cambric handkerchief rolled up like a snow-ball, he +continued: "It falls to my lot to introduce to you our distinguished +friends, Agamemnon Flag, Andrew Grant, and Theodore Fog, Esquires, men +of whom any land may be proud--they will speak for themselves. With such +men to choose from, our country cannot fail to rise up to the +very midnight of prosperity, honor, and renown. Thanks for your +attention--rely upon your indulgence--Mr. Grant will lead off." + +"Three cheers for Nicodemus Handy!" cried out several Quods, as soon as +our distinguished townsman took his seat; and, thereupon, about twenty +heads were uncovered, and the twenty throats appurtenant to the same +gave the three rounds called for. + +Andrew Grant now came forward, and made a discourse of about an hour's +length. It was in the usual style of the Whigs, and began with an +attempt to raise an impression that the country, notwithstanding General +Jackson's express declaration to the contrary, given to the nation under +the solemn sanction of a presidential message, and notwithstanding his +successor's certificate to the same effect, was in a state of difficulty +and distress. This young man, not more than twenty-five years of age, +living in comparative obscurity, had the hardihood, in the face of a +large and respectable body of freemen, to contradict the word of two +Presidents of the United States! Then, after coloring this picture of +adversity with all imaginable hues of shade, he did not scruple to +affirm that the whole of these fancied embarrassments were brought on by +the _folly_, as he termed it, of our rulers--charged the great +Democratic majority of the nation with having carried bad measures +through Congress--said the Whigs had warned us of the results of these +measures--and even went to the point of asserting that the suspension of +the banks was the consequence of the acts of the party in power. To make +out this absurd proposition, he read extracts from the speeches of Whig +members, against the removal of the deposits, to show what he called +their prophecies of disaster to the people; then actually affirmed that +the experiment of General Jackson upon the Currency had failed, and that +all the Whig predictions had come true; and after sundry excursions into +the Hard Money and State-Bank systems of the administration, finally +wound up his remarks by a very fatiguing enumeration of the General's +pledges to the people before his election, and his changes of opinion +upon these subjects afterward;--in regard to which he produced and read +certain long-winded documents from the President and Secretaries, to the +great annoyance of our Quods, who, in fact, became so tired of this +impertinent matter, that not more than half a dozen of them remained +within hearing of the speaker, the great bulk of them having gone over +to the spring to refresh themselves in a more agreeable manner. +Eliphalet Fox very aptly remarked, immediately after this long prosing +was brought to an end, that the speech was a _perfect failure_: he had +heard Andy Grant spoken of as a young man of talents, but he turns out +to be a miserable take-in. "Nothing in him, sir!" said Eliphalet, in his +terse way; "nothing in him, sir!" + +The Whigs, as is usual with them, affected to be hugely delighted. +Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson took pencil-notes and announced his +purpose to publish the speech entire. "A great speech that," said he to +Mr. Snuffers--"extraordinary young man!--great speech." + +Mr. Handy now lost no time in presenting Agamemnon Flag, who came +forward with a confident, self-possessed air, smiling through his gold +spectacles, and apparently very much delighted at the opportunity of +presenting himself before his fellow-citizens. + +"I see before me," said he, in a clear, fine-toned voice, and with an +affable manner, "a vast concourse of----" + +"Put on your hat," cried out three or four from the crowd, upon +observing that a sunbeam had straggled through the foliage and lit up +Agamemnon's yellow, curly locks, likening them to golden wire. + +"Thank you, my friends," said the orator, stepping one pace to the right +and thus bringing himself into the shade, "in the presence of the +sovereign people, I always stand uncovered, regardless of the exposure +of my person." + +This happy sally brought forth a long and loud clapping of hands from +the great multitude of Quods, who, the moment Andy Grant had finished +speaking, had crowded back to the stand. + +"Take off your goold specs, Ag; let's see your Dimmycratic phiz out and +out!" said Flan Sucker at the top of his voice, from the outskirts of +the assemblage. + +A loud laugh that shook full one hundred diaphragms, followed this +demand, and Agamemnon good-naturedly took off his glasses. + +"Anything to oblige you, gentlemen," said he; "but as I am very +short-sighted, I deprive myself of the pleasure of a better view of my +worthy fellow-citizens." + +"Put on your specs, Ag," said Nim Porter--"never mind Flan Sucker!" + +"Put on your specs!" cried out the whole of the convention who had +nominated the ticket, backed by a number of their friends." + +"Blast his eyes!" said Cale Goodfellow, turning to his Tumbledownians, +who were all friends of Fog, and of course opposed to the nomination. +"Let's have a representative who can _see_ what he is about--none of +your goold daylights!" + +"Specs or no specs, go it!--Yip!" shouted Flan. Sucker, with a voice +that rang like a trumpet. + +"Or-der!--Or-der!" said Mr. Handy, rising from his seat and coming +forward beside the speaker, and waving his hand to the crowd, greatly +concerned to see these manifestations of dissension in the ranks of the +party. "Gentlemen, it is but fair that every man should be heard, and +the chair takes occasion to say, that it is mortified at these +interruptions. If the gentlemen opposed to the nomination--the chair +alludes to those who have unfortunately allowed themselves to be +influenced by the iron railing, a subject which has nothing upon earth +to do with the pending election--if these gentlemen are not disposed to +give Mr. Agamemnon Flag an opportunity of delivering himself, the chair +would invite such persons to reflect upon the obvious impropriety of +such a course. The chair is persuaded that this disturbance results from +mere want of reflection, and hopes it shall not be required again to +remind gentlemen of the courtesy due to Mr. Flag." + +As Virgil describes in that notable passage, the subduing of the rage +of popular commotion by AEneas, and likens it to the mandate of Neptune +quelling the waves of old ocean, so fell Mr. Handy's timely reproof upon +the Anti-iron Railings, and, in a moment, all was still. Agamemnon then +began again in his original track. + +"I see before me a vast concourse of free citizens--the solid, +substantial, durable, permanent, everlasting pillars of free government. +The honest, upright, pure, hard-handed, horny-fisted, Democratic +yeomanry of the country are here--not the flesh and blood of the +country, for that is the pampered aristocracy--but the bone and sinew +surround me. It rejoices my eyes to behold these honest, sturdy, +independent, intelligent, invincible tillers of the soil--these brawny, +unconquerable, liberty-loving working-men--I say, sir, I delight to look +upon them; my feeble vision, sir----" + +"Put on your specs, Ag!" shouted Ben Inky and Flan Sucker again, at the +same instant;--and the cry was echoed from various quarters. + +Some moments of disorder again prevailed, which required the second +interposition of Mr. Handy, who, in the most spirited manner, proclaimed +his positive determination to resign, unless the order of the meeting +could be preserved. "I will never consent," said he, with a most +laudable energy, "to hold any post, executive or representative, for one +moment after I shall have discovered that I do not possess the +confidence of the people; the chair must feel itself compelled, by every +sentiment which, as a friend of the New-Light Democracy, it holds dear, +to resign the moment it finds that it has fallen into a minority." Then +followed these remarkable words:--"Sustain me, Quodlibetarians, or let +me go!" + +For full five minutes after this, the uproar was tremendous. The Iron +Railings and Anti-iron Railings almost came to blows. The Tumbledownians +and Bickerbrayians took their appropriate sides in the contest, and, for +a space, nothing was heard but shouts of Fog!--Flag!--Fog!--Flag! over +the whole field. When both parties had bawled themselves perfectly +hoarse, and for mere want of wind ceased the clamor, Theodore Fog +mounted the hustings, and made a special request of his friends to keep +the peace and hear Mr. Flag to an end. He put this request upon the +ground of a personal favor to himself, and promised them that, at the +proper time, they should hear his sentiments very fully upon all the +agitating questions of the day. + +This appeal was conclusive, and Mr. Flag once more presented himself. +But the interruptions he had suffered seemed most unhappily to have +thrown him entirely out of gear; and becoming very much embarrassed, he +struggled for some moments to regain his self-possession, as I thought, +without success--although Fox thought otherwise,--and, after less than +half an hour's speaking, sat down, rather crest-fallen and mortified. + +I may unwittingly do Mr. Flag injustice in this remark; for, in truth, +my mind was greatly occupied with the tumult, and I confess I was, +therefore, not a very attentive listener. Fox, on the contrary, was +minutely observant of the speech, and did not scruple to pronounce it a +masterly effort of eloquence, calculated to place Mr. Flag beside the +first statesmen of our country. This was his opinion at the time, and it +was even more warmly and eulogistically expressed subsequently, in The +Whole Hog, where the speech appeared in nine closely-printed columns on +the following Saturday. + +Theodore Fog was always a great favorite at our public meetings, and the +moment now approached when the field was to be surrendered to him. The +New Lights, including the members of the nominating convention and the +friends of the Iron Railing Compromise, backed by Virgil Philpot of The +Scrutinizer, and a large force of Bickerbrayians, were determined that +Agamemnon Flag should not want a very decisive token of applause; and +they accordingly called out for "nine cheers for the regular candidate!" +Responsive to this call, their whole party lustily set about the work; +and, for some minutes after the conclusion of Agamemnon's speech, the +air resounded with huzzas for "Flag and the Constitution!" "New Light +and Regular Nomination!" This was answered by a round for "Fog and +Reform!" "Retrenchment and no Iron Railing!" and Fog, in the midst of +this acclamation, appearing on the speaker's stand, all cries were lost +in the most violent clapping of hands. + +Theodore Fog's figure is about six feet, lean and bony, and with a +stoop which inclines a little to the right, so as to bring his left +shoulder somewhat higher than its opposite. His arms are unusually long, +his head small, his face strongly furrowed with deep lines, his eyes of +a greenish luster, his nose decidedly of the pug species, his mouth +large, his complexion of that sallow, drum-head, parchment hue that +equally defies the war of the elements, and the ravages of alcohol. +Although short of fifty years of age, his hair is iron gray, and spreads +in a thick mat over his whole cranium. At no time of life has he been +careful of dress, but now has declined into an extreme of negligence in +this particular. On the present occasion, he wore a striped gingham +coat, rather short in the sleeves, and cross-barred pantaloons; his +shirt collar was turned down over a narrow, horsehair stock; and a broad +black ribbon guard crossed his breast and terminated in the right pocket +of a black bombazet waistcoat, where it was plainly to be seen from the +external impression, lodged a large watch. He presented himself to the +multitude, holding in his hand a rather shabby straw hat, which he, +nevertheless, flourished with the air and grace of one who had known +better days than his habiliments seemed to denote. + +He stood for some time bowing and waving his hat in return for the +clamorous approbation with which he was greeted; and when, at length, +silence was restored, he began his speech. + +"Countrymen and friends: you of Quodlibet, Bickerbray, Tumbledown and +the adjacent parts, hear me! I am an old, tried and trusty, unflinching +and unterrified Quodlibetarian New-Light Democrat--Flan Sucker, bring us +a tumbler of water--tangle it, Flan: no hypocrisy in me, gentlemen,--I +go for the ardent. You all know I am, and was from the first, opposed to +the iron railing--(here arose a cheer from the Anties)--but I don't +come to talk to you about that. You know, moreover, that I am an +anti-nomination man--I'm out on independent grounds--every man for +himself, as the jackass said to the chickens--(a loud laugh.) I want to +say a word about Agamemnon Flag--commonly called Ag Flag. Who's he? Look +at them gold spectacles, and you will see what he is at once. When the +plastic hand of Dame Nature set about the fabrication of that +masterpiece of human mechanism, a genuine, out-and-out thorough-stiched +New-Light Democrat, she never thought of sticking upon him a +nose to be ridden by two gold rings hung over it like a pair of +saddlebags--(loud laughter.) We have other uses for our gold; we want +it for mint-drops--old Tom Benton's mint-drops--to be run up into +them, to give the honest, poor man something better, when his week's +work is done, than Copperplate Bank rags, signed Nicodemus Handy--(loud +shouts and cheers from Flan Sucker's squad and the Tumbledowns; and +groans and hisses from the Convention men and Bickerbrays.) Friends, I +tell you, our party is split; emphatically split. I have seen this +coming for some time. We have three sets of New Lights among us, and it +is time we should know it. There are THE MANDARINS, our big bugs, and I +could name them to you. You will find them on Copperplate Ridge--('Bah! +bah!' from the New-Light Club--'Go it The! go it, old fellow!' from +the Anties.) You will find them at Popular Flats--('That won't do!' +cried fifty voices; 'three cheers for the Hon. Middleton Flam!'--loud +cheering for Flam: 'Walk into them, Fog!' from the Anties--great +laughter and rubbing of hands among the Whigs.) You will find them in +the Forwarding and Commission Line--(great uproar on all sides.) +After the Mandarins, come THE MIDDLINGS; and after the Middlings, +THE TRUE GRITS--the hearty, whole-souled, no-mistake Quods. I'm a +TRUE GRIT!--(great applause.) We are nature's noblemen--give +me that water, Flan. I call myself one of the Royal Family of +the Sovereign People--(renewed laughter and applause.) I am no +kid-glove-MANDARIN-Democrat: I am no milk-and-water, flesh-and-fowl, +half-hawk-half-buzzard-MIDDLING-Democrat: I am, to all intents and +purposes, toties quoties, in puris naturalibus, a TRUE GRIT, a whole +TRUE GRIT, and nothing but a TRUE GRIT.--(Here Theodore was obliged to +pause a full minute on account of the cheering.) + +"Now this brings me," he continued after drinking off the potation which +Flan Sucker had assiduously placed upon the stand for his use, "to Andy +Grant. Andy Grant has told you a great deal about General Jackson's +pledges, and his changes and whatnot. Well, sirs, he _did_ change--what +of it? Is Democracy like the laws of the Medes and Persians? Is that +great sublime truth which vivifies the patriot's heart, resuscitates his +ambition and sparkles in the human breast, like a stone in the bottom of +a well, for toads to sit on? or is it the divine rainbow spanning the +earth with its arch, and changing with the sun, now in the east, now in +the west? Is it a post set up in a stream for the liquid element of +human policy forever to roll by and leave behind? or is it the mighty +mass of steam power that not only floats upon that element, but flies +onward across the great ocean of mortal things forever changing in its +career? Is not Democracy itself the march of intellect? and does not +marching consist in change of place? I hear you all answer, with one +accord, Ay, ay, ay!--(Taking the word from the orator, there was a loud +affirmative response to these questions.) + +"Well, then, Jackson did change. He was _for_ the single term--he was +_against_ it: I confess the fact. He was _for_ the Protective System--he +was _against_ it: I agree to it. He was _for_ a National Bank--he was +_against_ it: what of that? He was _for_ the distribution of the +surplus, and again he was _against_ it; I know it. He was _for_ Internal +Improvements;--he changed his mind--he was _against_ them. Then +again, sirs, he was _against_ the interference of officers in the +elections;--he was sorry for it, and took the other tack. He was +_against_ the appointment of members of Congress--in theory;--in +practice he was _for_ it. He was _against_ this Sub-Treasury--and +perhaps he is now _for_ it. It is all true, as Andy Grant has told +you:--it is in the documents, I don't deny it. Sirs, it is the glory of +his character that he has been _for_ and _against_ everything;--and as +Mr. Van Buren promises to follow in his footsteps, he, of course, will +be for and against everything--I know him. He would not be a genuine New +Light, if he were not. We are all (and here Fog raised his voice to the +highest key, and struck the board sharply with his hand) FOR and AGAINST +everything! How else can we be with the majority? What is the New-Light +Quodlibetarian Democracy, but a strict conformity to the will of the +majority? Against that and that only we never go!--(tremendous +applause.) As Levi Beardsly said, Perish Commerce, Perish Credit!--and I +say, Perish Currency, Banks, Sub-Treasury, Constitution, Law, Benton, +Amos, Van--I had almost said perish Old Hickory--but _always_ go with +the MAJORITY!" + +After this burst, which may be said to be truly eloquent, Theodore made +a very happy hit in touching upon the natural hostility between the +_rich_ and the _poor_, showing, with great point of remark, how +impossible it was for these two classes to have any Christian feelings +toward each other; and arguing from that the great New-Light Democratic +principle, that in every department of the government any man who holds +property ought to be deprived of all influence, and that it was the poor +man's right to legislate away the rich man's possessions. "Do we not +know," said he, "that in every community the majority are poor? that +there are two men without property for every one man with it? Of course +then, it follows logically, that, as two heads are better than one, the +sole right, as well as the sole power of legislation is in the poor, and +that they may make laws for the government of the rich; but the rich +cannot make laws for the government of the poor. Besides, who would be +the most impartial in such a matter, the man legislating for his _own_ +property, or the man legislating for his _neighbor's_? This requires no +reply." + +Upon the subject of the Sub-Treasury, Fog avowed boldly his +non-commitalism. "I am not sure, at this moment," said he, "how the land +lies. I wait to ascertain the sentiment of the majority, which, without +taking sides, I rather incline to think is against the measure. I judge +from the vote of the New Lights two years ago--although, I confess, that +two years are a long period for a New Light to look back, and that it is +rather over the usual time in which custom requires we should change. _I +shall wait for events._" + +There were other subjects embraced in this speech, upon which my +memoranda are imperfect; but there was one part of it, toward the +conclusion, which was very pathetic. + +The orator turned to those strangers among us who had come over from the +Bickerbray and Meltpenny Railroad. "Gentlemen," said he, "you stand in a +peculiarly interesting relation to the New Lights. You are strangers, +and, as the poet says, + + 'Stranger is a sacred name.' + +Therefore, it is our wish to take you in. You have not been over sixty +days in our State: you are separated, many of you, from your +sweethearts--some of you from your wives--all of you from your +homes:--wife--sweetheart--home! Affecting words! + + 'Where is the man with soul so dead + Who never to himself hath said, + This is my own, my native land?' and so forth." + +Here Theodore took up his red pocket-handkerchief, which was already +well saturated with the sweat of his brow, and feelingly wiped his eyes +for some moments, manifestly overcome by his emotions. At length he +proceeded. + +"Do not despond, gentlemen--do not despair. The New Lights are your +friends, and not only shall you find wife, sweetheart, home--ay, and +children, in Quodlibet, but if you are here next month, we will see if +some of you are not entitled to a vote--that's all.--I have no doubt a +large portion of your respectable body are better voters than you think +you are. And at all events, if you are not, it becomes us as a Christian +people to extend to you that privilege. I go for the repeal of all laws +which tyrannically require a year's residence in the State, before a +stranger is allowed to vote." + +"Hurra for Fog--hurra for Fog!" burst forth in loud chorus from the +new-comers. + +"But," said Theodore in continuation, "as I scorn concealment, I must be +frank with you. The stranger should be grateful to his friends; and I, +therefore, for one, never can consent to extend the invaluable +privilege of suffrage to an unworthy man. He must be a New Light, +an ardent, unblenching Quodlibetarian Democrat, ready to go in +whatever way we who take the trouble to do his thinking for him, +require;--it is but reasonable. We think, study, burn the midnight +lamp, and toil, when he sleeps, and all for the good of the man who +has no time to do these things for himself--what is his duty in +return? Why, to stand by _us_ who make these sacrifices for his +welfare--clearly--undoubtedly--incontestably." + +"Hurra for Fog!" again rose in hoarse reduplications on the air. + +"And now, fellow-countrymen, one and all--men of Quodlibet, men of +Bickerbray--and especially men of Old Tumbledown, long my home, and +never absent from my heart--I have exposed to you frankly, freely, +unhesitatingly my principles and professions.--You see me as I +am--naked, guileless, and robed in the simplicity of my nature.--Flan, +another glass of that stuff, my boy. I do not imitate my friend Andy +Grant--for he _is_ my friend--we can differ in politics and break no +scores!--I do not, like him and the Whigs, entertain you with frothy +declamation, appealing to your passions or your prejudices--I scorn such +stratagems.--No, I address myself solely and severely, sternly, without +a flower, prosaically, without a figure, soberly, without a flight, to +your cool, temperate, and unseduced capacity of logical deduction. Yes, +gentlemen, I, a poor man, do battle against the hosts of the rich. I, +the friend of honest labor, struggle against the huge monopoly of +hoarded wealth, hoarded by grinding the faces of our sterling but +destitute laboring men--alone, I strive against these banded +powers--will you desert me in the strife?" + +"Never!" cried Flan Sucker, Ben Inky, and six more of Fog's principal +men--"Never, never!" + +"Then I am content. Come weal, come woe, here is a heart that will +never--or rather, gentlemen, let me say in the words of the poet--(it +now became quite obvious that Theodore was beginning to be very +seriously affected by the frequent refreshment which Flan Sucker had +administered during his speech,) + + 'Come one, come all, this rock shall fly + From his firm base as soon as I.' + +"In conclusion, all I have to say is this--We are about to part.--When +you go to your homes, and with hearts enraptured by all a father's and a +husband's failings--feelings--you take your seats beside the old family +firesides, and with the partners of your bosoms getting supper, and your +interesting progeny clustering on your knees,--in the midst of all these +blessings pause to ask yourselves, what are they? Your hearts will +answer, they are _our Country_! How then, you will inquire, is that +country to be preserved, as a rich inheritance to these cherubs?--who +by this time have climbed as high as your waistcoat pockets, into which +they have, with the natural instinct of young New Lights, thrust their +little fingers--the response will be ready--Go to the polls in +October--go, determined to sustain the everlasting principles of the +New-Light Quodlibetarian Democracy--go, with a firm resolve to support +no Mandarin, no Middling, but to sustain an unadulterated True +Grit:--go, to vote for Theodore Fog, and your country shall be forever +great, prosperous and happy." + +A wave of the hand and a bow showed that Theodore had uttered his last +words--upon which several rounds of applause, resembling the +simultaneous clapping of wings and crowing of an acre of cocks, more +than anything else I can imagine, shook the firmament, and, as the old +song has it, "made the welkin roar." A party of Tumbledownians, +instigated by Cale Goodfellow--(a wag who follows sporting, and keeps a +bank--I mean a faro bank--at Tumbledown, a most special friend of +Theodore's)--rushed up to the platform, and, seizing the orator in their +arms, bore him off in triumph to the spring, where they fell to +celebrating their victory, in advance of the election, over a fresh +supply of spirits produced by Cale Goodfellow for the occasion. The +result was that Theodore was obliged to be taken home to Quodlibet in a +condition which Mr. Handy, who is President of the Temperance Society, +pronounced to be perfectly shocking. + +Some speaking took place after this by several volunteers: but from the +agitated condition of the assemblage, and the prevalence of uproar, +nothing worthy of notice transpired, and by sundown nearly all who could +get away had retired. + +Quipes had been an attentive observer of the earlier scenes of the day, +and as he had his drawing-book with him, we had reason to expect some +spirited sketches of the crowd; but the poor fellow, being fatigued and +thirsty, and of a singularly weak head, was overtaken by his drought, +and was laid away in the afternoon in Abel Brawn's wagon, in which he +was brought to Quodlibet, Neal Hopper undertaking to ride his horse back +to the Borough. + +The result of this day's proceedings was unfavorable to the regular +nomination, and highly auspicious to Theodore Fog. It was very evident +that The Split was going to do us a great deal of harm, and this gave +much uneasiness to the club. The Whigs seemed to consider it a good +omen, and old Mr. Grant and his party left the field in high spirits. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + THE DIVISION OF THE PARTY BECOMES MORE DISTINCT--ADMIRABLE + ADDRESS OF ELIPHALET FOX AT THIS JUNCTURE--RESULT OF THE + ELECTION--REJOICINGS OF THE TRUE GRITS--JESSE FERRET'S + DIFFICULTIES--IS TAKEN TO TASK BY HIS DAME--CANDID AVOWAL + OF HIS EMBARRASSMENTS--THEODORE FOG'S EXPOSITION OF TRUE + GRIT PRINCIPLES--HIS GOOD-NATURED ENCOURAGEMENT OF JESSE + FERRET--DABBS'S TREAT. + + +The proceedings at the Sycamore Spring furnished melancholy evidence of +the serious character of the split which had taken place in our ranks. +This was a source of anxious and painful reflection to the New Lights. +But the assiduity with which we endeavored to heal this dissension only +made matters worse. The Whole Team, which, although not within the +county, claimed to take a deep interest in this election, on the score +of being within our congressional district, noticed our divisions with +much self-gratulation, and made the best of them, by attacking Agamemnon +Flag as "the creature" (to use its own unscrupulous language) of the +Hon. Middleton Flam; while, at the same time, it opened the flood-gates +of its abuse upon Theodore Fog, as a man of "bad habits, loose manners, +and objectionable morals." The Bickerbray Scrutinizer was devoted to +Flag and the regular ticket, and therefore defended Agamemnon against +The Whole Team, and let fly several arrows against Theodore Fog; thus +unhappily fomenting the differences among our friends. + +The course pursued by Eliphalet Fox, at this difficult juncture, was one +calculated to raise him in the esteem of every true Quod, and to place +him on a pinnacle among editors. He took none of those middle grounds +which scarcely ever fail to bring a politician into contempt with both +parties--but, with a boldness entirely peculiar to himself, and in the +highest degree illustrative of the New-Light theory, stoutly advocated +each of our candidates, as the course of the canvass seemed to encourage +their respective chances of success. Thus, when Theodore Fog first +announced himself as the independent candidate, and when every one +appeared to regard this step as an act of presumption which could not +but result in defeat, Eliphalet put forth the following paragraph:-- + + "_Mister_ Theodore Fog, of this Borough, an old practitioner at + _more than one bar_, having waked up one morning with the idea that + he was born to fill the measure of his country's glory, as well as + he fills that of his own every night, has conceived the sublime + project of running on an independent ticket, in the approaching + election. We would whisper in our friend The.'s ear, that he has + barked up the wrong tree. Independence is not a word to be found in + the New-Light dictionary. The voters of this county can never be + seduced from the support of the regular nomination; especially when + it is headed by such a man as Agamemnon Flag, whose eloquence, + accomplishments, and remarkable Democratic simplicity of manners, + as well as his perfect surrender of himself to the cause of his + Party, give him the highest claim to the consideration of every + right-minded and unadulterated Quod. Verb. sap. sat." + +Now, after the meeting of the Sycamore Spring, a new view of matters +broke upon Eliphalet's vision. He was certainly taken by surprise at the +demonstration which that meeting afforded of Theodore's strength with +the voters; and in the account of that event, which appeared in The +Whole Hog on the succeeding Saturday, one scarcely knows whether most to +commend the sincerity of the writer, or the justness of the tribute paid +to the masterly effort of Mr. Fog. Speaking of that effort, the editor +employs this language:-- + + "In regard to our esteemed fellow-townsman, Theodore Fog, + the public expectation was more than realized. This unstudied + orator, with all the freshness impressed upon his mind by + the mint of nature herself, contemning the aid of tinsel + show, and presenting himself in the homely habiliments of + an unvarnished, and, as our adversaries scoffingly add, + of an unwashed New Light, poured forth a resistless flood + of native oratory, remarkable for that massive vigor of + thought, and that felicity of expression, which are the + rare endowments only of genius, trained _among_ the people, + and whose soul is _with_ the people. He descanted upon the + brilliant career of our never-sufficiently-to-be-flattered + administration, with an effect that thrilled in the pulse, + glowed in the countenance, and broke forth in the + reiterated shouts of every warm-hearted, straight-out, + lead-following, unagainst-the-wishes-or-commands-of-the + luminaries-of-the-party-rebelling New-Light Democrat on the + ground. We are happy to add our decided conviction that the + election of this staunch champion of the _real_ New Lights is + placed beyond a doubt." + +The intrepidity of this paragraph will strike every one who reflects +that the canvass, at the time this appeared, was far from being brought +to a close; and that the result, whatever Eliphalet might have thought +of it, was deemed exceedingly doubtful. Indeed, we had subsequently a +proof given to us, in The Whole Hog itself, that very serious opinions +began to prevail against the possibility of Mr. Fog's carrying the day, +in opposition to Flag. + +The New-Light Club, with some few and unimportant exceptions, had +determined, as they thought themselves in duty bound, to sustain the +regular ticket, and for this purpose, when matters were running +very strong for Fog, and when, indeed, they began to entertain a +well-grounded fear that Andy Grant might slip in by the aid of these +divisions, resolved upon having a night procession in the Borough. This +expedient we have always resorted to with the happiest effects whenever +we have found the hopes of the New Lights beginning to ebb; it serves to +animate our friends, by throwing, as it were, a glare over their minds, +and to render them more docile to the word of command from those who +take upon themselves the labor of judging for the multitude. We now had +recourse to this device with a very flattering, though as it turned out +in the end, a deceptive manifestation of its influence upon the +election. The procession was made; paper lanterns in abundance, bearing +a variety of inscriptions of the most encouraging exhortation to the +friends of Flag and the Ticket, were procured for the occasion. Every +lantern and every banner had written upon it FLAM, in the hope thus to +identify the ticket with our distinguished representative in Congress, +and bring in the aid of his great name to our cause. Mottoes, having +reference to "the Old Hero of the Hermitage," were also profusely used, +and even the Hickory Tree was reared aloft in the procession, covered +with small cup lamps in imitation of its fruit. Every one in Quodlibet +supposed that this stroke of the procession settled the matter. It +undoubtedly converted the Borough and brought it into the utmost harmony +on our side. But the Tumbledownians, among whom Fog's great strength was +found, were not there; and from Bickerbray the delegation was not as +large as it ought to have been. Still, the evidence of popular support +to the ticket was deemed conclusive; so much so, that Eliphalet Fox's +next editorial referred to it as "indicative of the stern resolve of the +New Lights, once and forever, to crush the insubordinate and rebellious +temper with which certain factious and discontented pretenders to the +name of Democrats had endeavored to sow discord in the ranks of the +faithful, by setting up the absurd doctrine of independent opinion--a +doctrine so fatal to the New-Light Democracy wherever it has been +allowed. Agamemnon Flag," the editor proceeded to remark, "was not a man +to be put down by the frothy, ginger-pop eloquence engendered in the hot +atmosphere of cock-tail and julep manufactories. Mr. Fog may now +perceive that his secret perambulations to spread dissension in the +New-Light ranks, and his hypocritical boast of Independence will be +scowled upon by every honest eye and spurned by every honest tongue +which are to be found among the high-minded New-Light yeomanry of +Quodlibet, Bickerbray, Tumbledown, and the adjacent parts." + +The election soon after this took place, when, greatly to the +astonishment of our club, and in fact of the whole party, the result was +announced to be as set forth in this table:-- + + _Quods._ _Whig._ + Theodore Fog, 1191. Andrew Grant, 1039. + Abram Schoolcraft, 1084. + Curtius Short, 1063. + Agamemnon Flag, 758. + +Thus it appeared that Theodore Fog far outran the rest of the ticket, +and that Agamemnon Flag fell considerably below the Whig vote. + +Eliphalet Fox, greatly delighted at the triumph of this election, lost +no time in publishing a handbill announcing the issue. It was headed + + "GLORIOUS VICTORY! QUODLIBET ERECT!" + +and proceeded to descant on the event in this wise:-- + + "We have never for a moment permitted ourselves to doubt that our + estimable fellow-townsman Theodore Fog, one of the purest, most + disinterested and ablest Democrats of the glorious New-Light + Quodlibetarian School, would lead the polls; and, indeed, we took + occasion to insinuate as much after his celebrated speech at the + Sycamore Spring, which it was our good fortune to hear, and which, + as an exposition of sound New-Light principles, gave us such + unmixed delight. We cannot but feel regret that Mr. Flag's friends + should have so inconsiderately consented to place his name on the + ticket, before they had ascertained Mr. Fog's views in regard to + the election. An understanding upon this subject would have saved + them the mortification of presenting a name which, from the first, + we felt a presentiment was destined to incur defeat; and it would + have spared Mr. Flag the pain he must suffer in the present event. + The youth of this gentleman, his want of acquaintance with the + people, arising, doubtless, from the imperfection of his vision, + and his unfortunate espousal of the Iron Railing Compromise, very + obviously stood in the way of his success. A day will, however, + come around when, in our judgment, the people will do justice to + his pretension, which we undertake to say is considerable." + +From these extracts, the reader is already prepared to exclaim with me, +Oh, excellent Eliphalet Fox--mirror of editors--pillar of the New-Light +faith! What exquisite address, what consummate skill hast thou not +evinced in these editorial effusions! Methinks I see Eliphalet, a +tide-waiter on events, watching the ebb and flow of popular opinion; +ever ready, at a moment's warning, to launch his little boat of +editorship on the biggest wave, and upon that wave to ride secure beyond +the breakers, out upon the glassy ocean of politics and then, after +taking an observation of the wind, to trim his sail with such nautical +forecast as shall make him sure to be borne along with the breeze toward +whatever haven it shall please the higher powers to direct him; +sagaciously counting in such haven to find the richest return on his +little stock of ventures. I see his meager, attenuated, diminutive +person, elevated on a footstool six inches above the floor, behind a +high but somewhat rickety desk, in the northwest corner of his +lumber-filled office, where scissor-clipped gazettes are strewed, elbow +deep, over an old walnut table, and where three dingy caricatures of +Harry Clay, Nic Biddle, and John C. Calhoun, are tacked against his +smoky walls; there I see him quiet, but at work, with pen in hand, ever +and anon darting his cat-like eye at the door, upon each new-comer who +comes to tell the news of the canvass. I hear his husky, dry, and +querulous voice, tisicky and quick, asking, how goes it in Bickerbray? +What from Tumbledown? and as he receives his answer _pro_ or _con._, Fog +or Flag, he turns to his half-scribbled sheet to remould his paragraph, +with the dexterity of an old and practiced Quod, in such phrase as shall +assuredly earn him the good-will of the winner. Rare Eliphalet! +Admirable Fox! Incomparable servant of an incomparable master! + +It is with a sad and melancholy sincerity I record the fact, that this +election left behind it much heart-burning in Quodlibet. The New-Light +Democracy were now broken into three parts, the Mandarins, the +Middlings, and the True Grits; and Theodore Fog, in command of the True +Grits, had evidently got the upper hand. The defeat of Agamemnon Flag +was a severe blow to our distinguished representative, the Hon. +Middleton Flam, and no less galling to Nicodemus Handy; for these three +worthy gentlemen were undoubtedly at the head of the Mandarins, and +their overthrow on the present occasion led to unpleasant consequences +which I shall be called upon to notice hereafter. + +The first unhappy fruit of this election was of a domestic nature, and +wrought very seriously against the peace of our friend Jesse Ferret. + +For three days and nights after the publication of the polls, all +Quodlibet was alive with the rejoicings of the True Grits at the success +of Theodore Fog. The bar-room of The Hero was full all day with these +energetic friends of the prosperous candidate; and it is worthy of +remark that their number was vastly greater than was shown by the ballot +box, many more individuals claiming the honor of having voted for him +than the return of the polls would authorize us to believe; all night +long bonfires blazed, drums and fifes disturbed the repose of the +Borough, and processions, not remarkable for their decorum, marched from +house to house with Theodore mounted in a chair, borne on the shoulders +of sturdy True Grits. A hundred torches in the hands of thirty men and +seventy boys, flared on the signs and flickered on the walls of +Quodlibet, and fifty negroes, great and small, ragged and patched, +hatless and hatted, slip-shod and barefoot, leaped, danced, limped, and +hobbled in wide-spread concourse around black Isaac the Kent bugle +player, and yellow Josh the clarionet man, who struck in with the drum +and fife to the tune of Jim Crow, about the center of the column. Flan +Sucker was installed grand marshal of this procession, and was called +KING OF THE TRUE GRITS; while Ben Inky, Sim Travers, Jeff Drinker, and +More M'Nulty, served along the flanks as his lieutenants; the whole +array huzzaing at every corner, and stopping to refresh every time they +came into the neighborhood of Peter Ounce's, Jesse Ferret's, or the +smaller ordinaries which the rapid growth of Quodlibet had supplied in +various quarters to relieve the drought of its inhabitants. + +This state of things, as I have said, continued for three days after +the election. At the end of that period, Jesse Ferret, somewhere about +noon, was in his bar casting up his accounts. He wore a serious, +disturbed countenance--not because his accounts showed a bad face; for +so far from that, the late jubilee had very considerably increased his +capital in trade, but because his rest had been broken--and Jesse never +could bear to lose his sleep. While he was engaged in summing up these +recent gains, his worthy spouse entered the bar and quietly seated +herself in a chair behind him. The expression of her face showed that +her thoughts were occupied with matter of interesting import: a slight +frown sat upon her brow, her lips were partially compressed, and her fat +arms made an attempt to cross each other on her bosom. The chair was too +small for her; and, from her peculiar configuration, one looking at her +in a full front view would not be likely to conjecture she was seated, +but rather that she was a short and dumpy woman, and leaned against some +prop for rest--the line from her chin to her toe being that of the face +of a pyramid. Her posture denoted an assumed patience. So quietly had +she entered the inclosure of the bar, that Jesse was altogether ignorant +of her presence, and therefore continued at his occupation. It was not +long, however, before his attention was awakened to the interesting fact +that his wife was behind him, by the salutation, conveyed in a rather +deep-toned voice, "Jesse Ferret, how long are you agoing to be poking +over them accounts?" + +Jesse turned short round, in some surprise at the sound of these +well-known accents so near him, and, surveying the dame for an instant, +replied-- + +"Bless me, Polly! how came you here? You go about like one of them +church-yard vaporations that melts in thin air and frightens children in +the dead of night. What did you want with me, my love?" + +"I want to know," said Mrs. Ferret, "who's master of this house--you or +me? Ef I'm the master, say so--but ef you're the master, then act as +sich. It ain't no longer to be endured, this shilly-shally, visy-versy +politicks of yourn. Here you are casting up of the accounts this blessed +day, and please Heaven, if there's one cent got into the till in the +three days that have gone by, the last person in the world to thank for +it is yourself, Jesse Ferret. Theodore Fog's _in_--got in by a vote that +one might say's almost magnanimous, and he's got all the thirstiest men +in this Borough under his thumb--and he's been pouring 'em in here in +shoals, which he wouldn't have done, one man of 'em, ef it hadn't a been +for my principles, which goes the whole hog--and you so contrairy, +constantly a giving out your no sides--it's raly abominable! and time +you should change, Jesse Ferret, it is." + +"Why, my dear, don't you see the good of it?" said Mr. Ferret, in a +mild, good-natured tone of expostulation. "The very best thing we can do +is for you to go on as you are doing, and me to go on as I am. Here's +come up a great split in the party; and presently, as sure as you are +born, they'll be having their separate houses and making party questions +out of it: then, my dear, you know Theodore Fog and his people counts +you as a sort of sun-dial to their side, and goes almost by your +pinting. And then the others, you know, can't have nothing to find fault +against me upon account of my sentiments: so, in this way we shall get +the custom of the thorough-stitchers, the half-and-halfs, the +promiscuous, and of every kind of stripe that's going. Can't you see +into it, Mrs. Ferret?" + +"No, I cannot see into it," replied the landlady. "In the first place, +them Mandarins, as The. Fog says, is not worth the looking after in our +line--they drink nothing but Champagne and Madeery, and ef they do +sometimes send down to our bar for ourn, they are sure to turn up their +noses at it, and say it's sour. Didn't Nicodemus Handy tell me to my +face that my Anchor Brand, which you've got on the top shelf, and +which cost you six dollars a basket at auction, was nothing but +turnip-juice?--and did you ever know Middleton Flam to call for as much +as a thimbleful of your liquors, with all his preachings and parleyings +in this house? No, you did not: and it's your duty to cast off your +bucket o' both sides, and go in for The. with the True Grits, as he +calls them; and true enough they are in the drinking line!--that, nobody +who knows them, will deny. I'm tired, Jesse Ferret, and fretted down to +the very bone, at being put upon in this here way, having to keep up the +politicks of this house, which I don't think you haint no right to do, I +don't. I'm been a talking to you about this tell I'm tired, and I wonder +you can be so obstinate, considering I take it so much to heart." + +"Now, Polly," interposed our landlord with an affectionate +remonstrance, intended to soothe Mrs. Ferret's feelings, "many's the +struggle I've had on this here very topic with my own conscience; I may +say I have wrestled for it at the very bottom of my nature. But the case +is this, and I'll explain it to you once for all. I've got a sentiment +at the core of my heart, which is a secret in regard of these here +politicks. I wish to go right--you know I do--but if I only knowed what +sentiments _to_ take up:--there's the mystery. If I knowed _that_, I +should feel easy; but I never could keep any principles, upon account of +the changes. Before a plain, simple man can cleverly tell where he is, +everything has whisked away in the contrairy direction. One year we are +'all tariff,' and the next, 'down with it as an abomination.' Here we go +'for canals and railroads!'--a crack of the whip, and there we are all +t'other side. 'No electioneering of officers!' cries out the captain of +the squad. 'Turn that fellow out, he don't work for the party!' cries +the very same captain in the very next breath. 'Retrenchment and +reform!' says every big fellow there at Washington; and the same words +are bawled all the way down among us, even to Theodore Fog;--'Damn the +expense!' (the Lord forgive me for using such words,) says the very same +fellows in the same breath, 'stick on a million here and a million +there--the more the merrier!' And so we go. Here, t'other day, this here +Sub-Treasury was monarchy and revolution to boot, and treason outright; +and now, what it _is_, every man's afeard to say--some's for, some's +against--some's both, and all's in a state of amalgamation, perplexity, +and caterwauling unaccountable. What between specy circlars, +anti-masons, pocketing of bills, (Lord knows what that means!) vetoes, +distribution, fortifications, abolition, running down Indians, and +running up accounts, politics has got into a jumble that a Philadelphy +lawyer couldn't steer through them. A poor publican has a straining time +of it, Polly. He can't get right if he tries--and if he does blunder +upon it, he can't _stay_ right six months, let him do his best--morally +impossible! That's where it's a matter o' conscience with me; and my +conclusion is, in such a mucilaginous state of affairs, a man who wants +to accommodate the public must be either all sides or no sides; and, +therefore I say, my motto is, a publican should--leastways I speak in +regard to these times--have no sides. And there's the whole matter laid +out to you, Polly, my wife." + +"All sides, any day, before No sides!" replied Mrs. Ferret. "As Susan +Barndollar says, stick to your colors and they'll carry you to sides a +plenty, I'll warrant you. Don't Theodore Fog tell us the Democracy's a +trying of experiments--and, Lord bless us! ef they haint carried you on +sides enough, then you _are_ an unreasonable man. Principle isn't +principle--it's following of your party:--you change when _it_ changes, +whereby you are always right. Now, these here True Grits is two to one +to the Mandarins and Middlings both, and they devour, yes, ten times as +much liquor. Ef you had an eye in your head, you'd come out a True +Grit--it's a naiteral tavern-keeper's politics." + +"'Spose, my dear," said Jesse, waxing warm, "things takes a turn off +hand. 'Spose these True Grits are upset--as I shouldn't wonder they +would be, as soon as Middleton Flam comes home from Congress, and winds +up the people right again--as he has often done before--am I going to +run my head against a post by offending the whole New-Light Club, which +meets at our house, and make enemies by having sentiments of my own? You +don't know me, Polly Ferret." + +"Well, and ef things does take a turn?" replied the wife, "is there +anythink new in that, in this Borough? Haint we had turns before? +Theodore Fog will turn with 'em--that's his principle--that's my +principle, and it ought, by rights, to be yourn. Doesn't the +schoolmaster tell you to stick to the upper side? Doesn't our member, +Middleton Flam, tell you the same thing, and Nicodemus Handy, and +Liphlet Fox? There's your own barkeeper, Nim Porter, that's asleep in +yander winder, who's got more sense than you have; he knows what side +his bread's buttered--and even your own child, Susan Barndollar, though +she stuck out for the nomination, isn't such a ninny as to have no +principles. We're Dimmycrats, and always counts with the majority; and +that's safe whichever way it goes; and, as I said before, no mortal man +can find out a better side than that for a tavern-keeper. But it's the +Whigs your're a courting, Jesse Ferret--the Whigs, neither more nor +less--and it's pitiful in you to be so sneaking." + +"Polly, if you aint got no better language than that to use to me," +exclaimed Ferret, under considerable excitement, "I'd advise you to hold +your tongue." + +"My tongue's my own, Mr. Ferret," replied the landlady, "and I don't +want none of your advice what I'm to do with it. I have used it long +enough to know how to keep it a running, and how to stop it, without +being taught by you." + +"I've got no right to listen to you, if I don't choose," retorted the +landlord. "Women has their milking and churning to look after, and, to +my thinking, they'd best attend to that, instead of skreiking out +politics in public bar-rooms--that's my opinion, Mrs. Ferret." + +"Women, indeed!--for _you_ to talk about women!--You're the +laughing-stock of all the petticoats of our Borough," said the wife, in +a high key of exacerbation. "Mrs. Younghusband, and Mrs. Snuffers, and +Mrs. Doubleday makes you a continual banter, and it hurts my feelings as +the mother of your children, it does." + +"Seize Mrs. Younghusband, and Mrs. Snuffers, and Mrs. Doubleday, all +three!" exclaimed Ferret in a sort of demi-oath. + +"What's that you said, Mr. Ferret?" + +"I said seize 'em! and I don't care the rinsings of that glass if you +tell 'em so,--a set of mandrakes." + +"Oh, Jesse Ferret, Jesse Ferret,--as a man who sets up to be an +example, what are you coming to!" exclaimed the landlady, with uplifted +hands. "Ef your children could hear such profanity. I declare to +patience, you'd try the quarters of the meekest mother in the universe." + +How far this conjugal outflash might have gone in its natural course, it +is impossible for me to say; although Nim Porter, who pretended to be +asleep all the time, and who heard every word of it, and related it with +much pleasantry to me, says he has often witnessed these breezes between +this worthy couple, and always found that they made up as soon as Mrs. +Ferret got out of breath--which, by-the-by, she being short-winded, +generally occurred in about half an hour from the first rising of her +anger; but, on the present occasion, it was happily interrupted by the +entrance of Theodore Fog, Dabbs, the foreman in Eliphalet Fox's +printing-office, Flan Sucker, More M'Nulty, and Sim Travers, who all +marched directly up to the bar. I had entered upon the heels of this +party, and having taken up "The Whole Hog" for my perusal, in one corner +of the room, was myself a witness to the scene that followed. + +Nim Porter, who was seated in an elbow-chair, resting the back of his +head against a window-sill at the opposite end of the bar-room and +counterfeiting sleep, was now roused up to attend to the customers. + +"My dear Mrs. Ferret--paragon of landladies," said Fog, "Pillar--yes, +bolster of our cause--some drink! Dabbs owes a treat, and we have +resolved that the libation shall be made under the eye of our own queen. +Dabbs, say what the mixture shall be; I'm not particular--my throat is a +turnpike traveled by all imaginable potations. A mint julep, Dabbs? +gentlemen! Flan, a julep? Yes? A julep, a julep all round. Agreed to, +nem. con. Mrs. Ferret, five juleps; charge Dabbs--Dabbs's treat." + +Mrs. Ferret's anger against her spouse gradually faded under this +accost; a slight glimpse of sunshine began to break over her visage as +she addressed herself to the task of preparing the required compounds, +and Nim Porter busied himself in picking sprigs of mint from a large +bouquet of that invaluable plant, which flourished in native verdure +over the rim of a two quart tumbler, in which it seemed to grow as in a +flower-pot. + +Ferret had retreated from the bar toward the door which looked upon the +street; and Theodore Fog, who, as the truth must be spoken, was at this +hour very considerably advanced toward his customary zenith of +excitement, thrust his hands under the skirts of his striped gingham +coatee, and strutted with the air of a prime minister in a farce, around +the room. + +"Nim," said he, + + "'Bid thy mistress, when my drink is ready, + She strike upon the bell.' + +Ferret--glorious turn out, Ferret. True Grits all alive. Pound that ice +fine, Nim--no water, recollect. First-rate fellows, Ferret--go the +whole--real Quods--diamonds." + +"Hope you'll mend matters now, Mr. Fog, since you've got in," said +Ferret. "I'm for giving every one a chance; wish you success." + +"Of course you do, Ferret," replied Fog; "and so you would have wished +Ag Flag success if he'd got in." + +"Or Andy Grant, either," said Mrs. Ferret; "my husband's not partikler." + +"You're right, Ferret--you're right!" interrupted Fog, "always go with +the current--that's sound philosophy--that's my rule. Dabbs, isn't that +metaphysics? Flan, don't you call that the true theory of the balance of +power? Gentlemen, I submit it to you all." + +"Real True-Grit doctrine," said Flan; "find out how the cat jumps--then +go ahead." + +"Fundamental, that," said Dabbs; "principles change, measures vary, +names rise and fall, but majority is always majority." + +"Bravo, Dabbs!" ejaculated Theodore Fog; "_Tempora mutantur et nos +mutamur cum illis_--that's our True-Grit motto. The nominative case +always agrees with the verb; the people are the verb, we're the +nominative case. That's logic, Mrs. Ferret. Nim, how have you made out +in these illustrious 'three days?'" + +"Cursed sleepy," answered Nim Porter, who was now brewing the drink by +pouring it from one tumbler to another; "haven't had three hours rest in +the whole three nights. No right to complain though--won four bets--had +two to one against Andy Grant with Tompkinson--and even against Ag with +three of the New-Light Club. I knew d--d well how it was going, ever +since the meeting at the Sycamore Spring. Fog, you touched them fellows +that work on the Bickerbray and Meltpenny Road 'twixt wind and water." + +"Didn't I?" exclaimed Fog; "I opine I did; unequivocally, I fancy I did. +I venture to add, with all possible energy of asseveration, that I did +that thing, Nim. That's what I call walking into the understanding of +the independent, electoral constituent body; and the best of it is, we +got them their votes, you dog!" + +"You didn't lose no votes that I could bring you," said Mrs. Ferret, +"although you didn't get Jesse's. But that wa'n't much loss--for Jesse's +of little account anyhow, and hasn't the influence of a chicken in this +Borough--as no man hasn't, whose afeard of his shadow." + +"Well, we don't want to hear no more about that," interrupted the +landlord. "Mr. Fog knows it wasn't ill will to him--but only my +principle, that publicans had best not take sides." + +"And who has a right to object to that?" exclaimed Fog. "Give us your +hand, Jesse--I'd do the same thing myself, if I were in your place." + +"Well, ef you aint the forgivingest creature, Mr. Fog!" said the +landlady. + +"Mrs. Ferret, your health!--gentlemen, take your respective +glasses--Dabbs, your health--Jesse--Flan--all of you--Success to the +True Grits! Top off, boys." + +They all drank. + +Fog applied the tumbler to his lips; looked straight forward, with what +might be called a fixed stare upon vacancy, his eyes expressing the deep +emotion of sensual pleasure which the icy compound inspired as it slowly +flowed over his palate, and for a full minute employed himself without +pause in draining the contents of his glass--gradually and slowly +arching back his head until the last drop trickled from the bottom. + +"Amazing seductive beverage, Mrs. Ferret!" he said as he smacked his +lips, and set the tumbler down upon the board. "Fascinating potation! If +I were not an example of consummate prudence, and the most circumspect +being not yet gathered within the pale of the Temperance Society, my +virtue would have fallen a victim before this to that enticing cordial, +Mrs. Ferret. But I'm proof--I have been sorely tried, and have come out +of the furnace, as you see me, superior to the temptations of this +wicked world. Dabbs, poney up--we must go to the raffle, which begins in +five minutes at Rhody M'Caw's stable--that pacing roan, Nim--you'll be +there, of course:--in your line. Come, gentlemen--don't wipe your mouths +with your sleeves--let the odor exhale. As some poet somewhere says, +speaking of a mint julep, + + 'Sweet vale of Ovoca, how calm could I rest,-- + If there's a drink upon earth + It is this--it is this.' + +Not the words exactly--but something in that run. Jesse, the Flower of +Quodlibet--Mrs. Ferret, Queen of the Spear Mint--good-by. Nim, you +rascal--after the raffle is over, expect to see me as dry as an oven." + +When Fog had delivered himself of this rhapsody--which, no doubt, has +impressed the reader with the conviction that this noontide glass had +done its work upon the brain of our new representative in the +Legislature--the whole party made their exit; and Jesse Ferret, anxious +to avoid another conference with his dame, professing a wish to witness +the raffle, followed in their footsteps. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + THIRD ERA--DIVISIONS IN QUODLIBET CONTINUE--FOMENTED BY + THE WOMEN--FOG RATHER DISAPPOINTS HIS FRIENDS BY HIS + COURSE IN THE LEGISLATURE--PROSTRATION OF BUSINESS IN THE + BOROUGH--TRACED TO THE MERCHANTS--MR. FLAM'S OPINION OF + THEM, AND THE CONSEQUENCE THEREOF--INDIGNATION OF THE NEW + LIGHTS AGAINST THEM--FOG'S EULOGIUM UPON THEM--MOVEMENTS OF + THE TRUE GRITS--FOX'S SKILLFUL MANAGEMENT--THE TIGERTAIL + AFFAIR--MYSTERIOUS TERMINATION OF IT--NIM PORTER'S INDISCRETION. + + +The design of this little book forbids that I should do more than +cursorily touch upon many incidents in the history of Quodlibet, which, +although abundant of interest to the curious reader, are not so +immediately connected with the main purpose of this work--that purpose +being to unfold the operation of the great principle of the New-Light +Quodlibetarian theory. + +Whenever the time shall arrive, as I would fain persuade myself it +must, in which the public shall feel such concern in the affairs of +Quodlibet as to demand of me a full disclosure of the treasures of my +MSS., I shall greatly delight in spreading before it many particulars +which I have collected, having reference to the private concernments and +domestic transactions of our people and their sundry ways in regard to +many matters which do not fall within the scope of my present +undertaking. For, truly, the history of Quodlibet will be found, when +impartially narrated, to yield a plentiful fruitage of ethical, moral +and social instruction, as well as political--to which latter aspect are +my labors at this time confined. + +In conformity with my plan, and being desirous to hasten forward to a +more modern epoch in these annals, I pass over the intervening space, +and bring my reader almost a year in advance of the events narrated in +the last chapter. + +It was now approaching the fifth year of the Removal:--the long session +of Congress had closed in July, 1838. The Hon. Middleton Flam had once +more returned to his constituents, and temporarily mingled in the walks +of private life. Greatly was his return desiderated at this epoch. We +had got all wrong--we lacked information--we wanted this great man's +advice. + +The split at this time--if I may use a metaphor--was green and wide; +or, in plainer language, our dissensions ran high. If the men might be +said to be at sixes and sevens, the women were twice as bad--they were +at twelves and fourteens. Mrs. Ferret had become inveterate, and headed +a party of Feminine True Grits; Susan Barndollar, who had a temper of +her own, of course became inveterate too, and, as Barndollar & +Hardbottle were accounted a rich firm, she headed, or strove to do so, a +party of Feminine Mandarins. Hester Hardbottle, under a similar impulse, +took command of the Female Middlings. Thus marshaled, the New-Light +women manifested a very high degree of political corruscation, and kept +the Borough in perpetual hot water. Every tea-party was a scalding +concern, and it was lamentable to see what a foothold the serpent of +discord had gained in our little Eden of Quodlibet. + +The men were not so ferocious; in part because they had their business +to look after; but chiefly, because the stronger, when they failed in +argument, could drub the weaker--and that drubbing system is a great +moderator of political opinions. The women, having neither of these +motives to keep quiet, took the bits in their mouths and ran off as fast +as, and whenever, they chose. + +Theodore Fog's conduct in the Legislature, during the past winter, had +in some degree rather weakened the cause of his friends. He had +disappointed them--although they were unwilling publicly to allow as +much--on two points: First, because he had not got them all provided +with offices, as he had, it appeared, secretly promised; but, on the +contrary, came home without having accomplished that desirable object +for a single individual of the party; and, secondly, because he had been +exceedingly irregular in his habits during the whole session, and had +consequently made but four speeches, of three hours each, during the +winter, when it was confidently expected that he would have made at +least thirty-four, and have completely silenced the opposition. The +irregularity of his habits they could forgive; but the matter of the +offices sunk deep in their hearts--they began to suspect his Democracy. + +A change had also taken place in the business affairs of Quodlibet. All +improvements had ceased:--many persons were out of employment; industry +was declining; trade was at a low ebb; the mechanics were grumbling, and +four mercantile houses had failed. Immediately after the suspension +Nicodemus Handy had issued a great amount of small notes. Dr. Thomas G. +Winkelman, actuated by patriotic emotions, also issued a batch +payable in soda-water, soap, or physic. Zachary Younghusband, the +tinplate-worker and postmaster, reflecting on the crisis, and being +determined to contribute his mite toward the regulation of the currency, +followed the example of Dr. Winkelman, and put out a ream, redeemable in +Copperplate Bank notes when presented to the amount of five dollars at +his tinplate shop. Sim Travers, who had a drinking shed at the lower end +of the canal basin, with equal public spirit, uttered his paper in fips, +"Good for a Drink." Many others imitated these precedents, whereby it +fell out that no part of the Union was better supplied with a currency +than Quodlibet. + +Still the Borough languished and pined under a gradual decay of its +prosperity; and it was long before our wise men could ascertain the real +source of this decline. The cause was at last discovered. We are +indebted for its development to the astuteness of our distinguished +representative. There were eight of the principal mercantile houses of +the Borough which had been established by Whigs: in fact, throwing out +Barndollar & Hardbottle, all the merchants of Quodlibet might be said to +be opposed to the administration. It was very apparent, after the Hon. +Middleton Flam drew the attention of the club to this fact, that these +houses had combined to produce an utter prostration of business, solely +for political effect, and that the malevolence of four of the most +thriving among them had gone so far as even to render themselves +bankrupt, and to break up, for no earthly purpose but that of making the +administration unpopular. "This is a specimen of the gratitude," said +Mr. Flam, speaking with great emotion upon the subject, "this is the +gratitude of these commercial vultures--(he always called them +commercial vultures after the Suspension, and when speaking to the +people)--for all the manifold favors and bounties which, for five years +past, the government has been so assiduously heaping upon their heads. +This is their acknowledgment of the extraordinary kindness shown them by +the Secretary of the Treasury when he directed our bank to lend these +vipers the public money! Biddle and the Barings are at the bottom of +this conspiracy; and the merchants of the United States, yes, and the +manufacturers and all the moneyed men, would gladly beggar themselves +and their families rather than allow us to regulate their currency and +make them the happiest people on earth. What unparalleled perfidy!" + +After this, the New Lights of course became indignant against the +merchants, and held them up, as they deserved, to public execration, as +the authors of all our misfortunes. From Quodlibet, this sentiment +became general among the New-Light Democrats everywhere. Mr. Van Buren +caught the idea; the Globe expatiated upon it; the Stump rang with it; +and it soon took its place as one of the cardinal maxims in the +New-Light creed. Such is the supremacy of one commanding intellect! + +Never was there a topic equal to this in the elections. "The +merchants," Theodore Fog very pertinently remarked, "are a first-rate +subject for a stump speech: they are a monstrous _little_ knot of +fellows, anyhow--and, comparatively speaking, of no sort of account, in +the way of voting. Having the handling of a good deal of cash, and +plenty to do in the way of giving and taking of promissory notes, you +can slap upon them the argument of The Money Power with tremendous +effect: you can tickle them with the whip of Aristocracy in perfection; +and you can run 'em down with the text of the money-changers in the +Temple, and all that sort of thing, to a nicety. Besides, there are so +few of them that either _can_ make a speech before the people, or, if +they can, will take the trouble to follow a man about for that purpose, +that you are not likely to be pestered with their replies. Capital +animals for _an opposition_, they take a lathering so quiet! Then, sir, +for every _one_ merchant you lay upon his back, you gain _five_ True +Grits to your side. I've studied that out. Our people, I mean the New +Lights, can be made to hate a merchant like snakes--because if he does +get on well with his business, and makes a little fortune, we can call +him a Rag Baron, a Ruffle Shirt, a Scrub Aristocrat,--and that's equal +to sending him to the deserts of Arabia: and if he fails, as the greater +part of the poor devils do, we can get up a still worse cry against him +for turning the humble and honest laborer out of employment, grinding +the faces of the poor, depriving the widow and the orphan of their +bread, and coining the sweat of the Bone and Sinew's brow to feed +Usurers, Brokers, and Shavers. And, by-the-by, these arguments are quite +good against manufacturers and Whig master-mechanics. But a merchant, +sir, can't hold up his head one moment before them. Every which way, +sir, he's a prime scape-goat. Then, sir, when we want to make an +EXPERIMENT,--why, of course, we go to the merchants. Here's all this +_currency_ business, especially the tail of it, the Sub-Treasury--fine +thing to stir up the people with--sounds well in theory, though a little +mischievous in practice. Well, sir, we test it on the merchants: _we_ +get the popularity, _they_ get the damage. The approved philosophical +mode to try a dangerous experiment, is to attempt it on a cat:--sir, +_The Merchants are our cats_." + +Mr. Flam, seeing the state of our divisions, took a great deal of +trouble to restore harmony into our ranks, and certainly did much to +overawe the True Grits, who, now fancying themselves in the ascendent, +became very dictatorial. Eliphalet Fox, although he took every occasion +to speak in his paper greatly in commendation of Mr. Flam, was, +nevertheless, an active upholder of the True-Grit division. "Our worthy +representative," he said, "was happily stationed above the influence of +these little _family quarrels_; and it was undoubtedly a subject of +congratulation with that distinguished gentleman, that every section of +the great Democratic household of Quodlibet could cordially unite the +testimonials of their confidence in his talents, his patriotism, and his +fidelity to the interests of his constituents." + +This paragraph was considered a master-stroke of New-Light Democracy in +Eliphalet, because its tendency was to keep him and his paper on good +terms with all parties supporting the administration, while it left him +free to pursue the paramount objects which the True Grits steadily kept +in view. + +These objects were the attainment of all the lucrative offices in our +district,--a striking exemplification of which now occurred in the +celebrated Tigertail affair. That affair my duty as a chronicler +requires me to notice. + +A secret meeting of the True Grits had been lately held in the Borough. +The subject in discussion was a weighty one. It was reported to this +conclave that Ferox Tigertail, the marshal of this district, who resided +and kept his office in Bickerbray, had in his employment two individuals +of suspicious principles. The first was Washington Cutbush, a clerk, who +had been overheard to say, at the Sycamore Spring, in a confidential +conversation with his brother-in-law, Lemuel Garret, that he began to +think Tom Benton's gold currency a HUMBUG! The second was Corney Dust, +the porter and firemaker of the office, who, there was reason to +believe, had voted at the last election for Agamemnon Flag. Upon these +facts being vouched to the meeting by Magnus Morehead, the True Grit +shoemaker in the Borough, and Sandy Buttercrop, the express-rider, +message-carrier, baggage-porter, and follower of sundry other visible +means of livelihood, it was resolved that a committee of three, to +consist of Eliphalet Fox, Dr. Winkelman, and Nim Porter, should wait +upon Mr. Tigertail, communicate to him the full extent of the charge, +and require him, in the name of The Exclusive, New-Light, True-Grit +Democrats of Quodlibet, forthwith to dismiss Washington Cutbush from his +office, and substitute Magnus Morehead in his place; and also to +supersede Corney Dust by the appointment of Sandy Buttercrop. + +The committee, in pursuance of these instructions, visited the marshal, +and explained the object of their mission in respectful but firm +language. Tigertail, being a choleric man, and an old Federalist to +boot,--who had been converted to the New-Light faith about eight years +ago, at the date of the renewal of his commission,--heard the committee +with exemplary composure; and then setting his eyes, with a fixed glare, +upon Eliphalet Fox, he waited about ten seconds--at the end of which +brief period of deliberation, he kicked the said Eliphalet clean out of +his office:--and this being done to his entire satisfaction, he rather +testily invited Dr. Winkelman and Nim Porter to follow their chairman. +It is due to these two gentlemen to say, that like good committee men, +they did so,--even anticipating the marshal's invitation to the adoption +of that course of conduct. + +This incident being faithfully reported by the committee to the meeting +of True Grits, convened for the express purpose of learning the result, +it was unanimously resolved,--First, that Tigertail's demeanor was +mysterious, equivocal, and unexpected; secondly, that it was unpolite to +Eliphalet Fox; and, thirdly, that it was against the principles and +usages known to the New-Light Democracy. Another resolution was adopted +to lay the whole matter before the President of the United States, and +to instruct him, as the Representative of the People, to dismiss Marshal +Tigertail, without delay, from his post; and confer it upon the injured +Eliphalet Fox, whose kicking entitled him to the deepest sympathy of the +party, and gave him, according to a well-established maxim of the New +Lights, a right to immediate preferment. + +These resolutions imparted great satisfaction to the meeting, and no +doubt was entertained that the President would act upon the subject with +that promptitude which distinguishes his character. Marshal Tigertail +was looked upon as a doomed man, and no better than a Whig; and indeed +he was already considered as having joined that party. Dr. Thomas G. +Winkelman, Nim Porter, and Dabbs, the compositor, were intrusted with +this embassy of instruction to the President;--Eliphalet Fox being left +out of the deputation from obvious considerations of delicacy--a +sentiment which it must be allowed has ever characterized the +proceedings of the True Grits on all occasions, and which many of the +most observant and sagacious of that sect have asserted has been the +principal cause of the failure of their schemes. + +The new deputation lost no time in setting forth upon the execution of +their duty. They were attended to the stage coach by a large number of +True Grits, who, to use the language of Theodore Fog, "signalized their +departure with indignant pomp." Great expectations were indulged on this +appeal, or rather this mandate to the President. Day after day passed by +without bringing news from the mission:--the Globe was taken from each +mail with increased avidity, in the hope of seeing some official +announcement of the removal of Tigertail. A provoking silence on that +point reigned throughout its columns. Ten days rolled on without a +letter from the committee:--a fortnight wore away, and yet none had +returned. A traveler at last reported that he had seen Nim Porter at the +White Sulphur Springs. It was ascertained that Dr. Winkelman was +in the City of New York purchasing drugs for his shop; and upon +investigation it was discovered that Dabbs had been at his work in the +printing-office, unknown to the Borough, for more than a week. By a +singular coincidence of feeling among the True Grits, all curiosity as +to the fate of the mission suddenly subsided. The subject was treated +with indifference; and in the course of a few days, after both Dr. +Winkelman and Nim Porter had returned home, when the Thorough Blue Whole +Team put forth a paragraph inquiring after the Tigertail Embassy, the +Whole Hog came out with a petulant and snappish reply, affirming that +the report of such a mission was a mere Whig lie, coined with a view to +political effect, and uttered in the Whole Team simply because "that +mendacious and filthy sheet delighted to revel in falsehood, and had +never been known to stumble upon the truth, even by accident." Dr. +Winkelman studiously avoided all reference to his absence from the +Borough, and Nim Porter was equally cautious for about a month; at the +expiration of which period Neal Hopper happened to say, in his presence, +he had good reason to know that Marshal Tigertail was no favorite with +the President, and would be removed from office before the end of the +next Congress;--whereupon Nim, very unguardedly and under a sudden, +uncontrollable impulse, planted himself before the miller and said,-- + +"I'll bet you one hundred dollars to ten upon that." + +"Well, I 'spose you know?" said Neal, struck by Nim's peremptory manner. + +"Conclusively and distinctly," replied Nim with some heat. "If you +think Liphalet Fox is going to be the marshal you're mistaken: I know +Martin Van Buren," he added with some display of self-importance, +"considerably--and I can tell you that he goes the whole figure against +rotation in this individual and identical case. He's a Mandarin from +snout to tail--trained up from the gum, and wouldn't touch a True Grit +with a forty-foot pole. Martin has defined his position emphatically. +There can't be a possibility of mistake upon the subject." + +"Do you mean to say that you heard him say so?" inquired William +Goodlack, the tailor, a strenuous member of the True Grits, looking +angrily at Nim. + +"That's neither here nor there," replied Nim. "But I'll stand to the bet +of one hundred dollars to ten, that Tigertail's not turned out of office +this year: you are welcome to take it yourself, Billy Goodlack, if +you're a mind for a bet." + +"Whoever said Tigertail ought to be turned out?" asked Goodlack, +peevishly, "'cepting Neal Hopper, who picked up such a story out of the +nine thousand lies of the Whole Team?" + +From this little brush with Nim Porter, and from the looks that passed +between the parties engaged in it, there was room for the inference that +the President didn't give much encouragement to the committee who went +to him with instructions to turn out the marshal: and this is nearly +everything that has ever transpired in Quodlibet upon that subject. It +is very certain that, for some time after this date, the True Grits were +not so bold as a party as they had been before. Eliphalet Fox was +undoubtedly much chop-fallen during all the following winter. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + A POLITICAL DISCUSSION AT ABEL BRAWN'S SHOP--ABEL'S VIEWS OF + THE SUB-TREASURY--IMPORTANT COMMUNICATION MADE BY THEODORE + FOG--THE NEW LIGHTS TAKE GROUND AGAINST THE BANKS--THE HON. + MIDDLETON FLAM RESIGNS THE PRESIDENCY OF THE COPPERPLATE + BANK--SNUFFERS ASPIRES TO THE SUCCESSION. + + +Toward the latter end of August, in the year referred to in the last +chapter, about five o'clock in the afternoon, a much larger collection +than usual of work horses were seen around Abel Brawn's shop, waiting to +be shod. The shop stands a few rods below Christy M'Curdy's mill, and +immediately upon the bank of the Rumblebottom. The mill is just outside +of the compactly-built portion of the Borough; and from the door, Neal +Hopper, the miller, could see along the road, on his left hand, into the +principal cross street of Quodlibet, and on his right, directly into +Abel Brawn's smith-shop. This advantage of position was much prized by +Neal, because it enabled him to observe everybody going either from the +town-side or the country-side to the blacksmith's. And as the shop was a +famous ground for political discussion and newsmongering; and as Neal +had an insaturable stomach (insaturabile abdomen) for that sort of +gossip, a glance from the mill door gave him the means of knowing who +was either at or on the way to the shop. Then, if the company suited +him, he was in the habit of confiding the temporary government of the +mill to a mealy-headed negro called Cicero, who could turn out a grist +as well as himself, and so allow himself the chance of a brush at +argument with Abel Brawn's customers. + +On this evening in August, as I said, there were more horses than usual +at the smithy. Six or seven men were lounging about the door or in the +shop, talking very loud, with every now and then a word from Abel, who +was busily employed alternately hammering out shoes on the anvil, and +fitting them to the horses' feet; while squinting Billy Spike, a rather +ungainly lad, an apprentice to the smith, was keeping off the flies with +a horsetail fastened to the end of a stick. I had been taking a walk +that evening with some of my boys to look at the ruins of the old +school-house, and, seeing this little gathering about Abel Brawn's, I +stopped to hear what was going on. Being somewhat fatigued by my +exercitation, I sat down on the bench under the shed, having sent my +boys home by themselves, and remained here a quiet though not an +inattentive spectator of the scene before me. It is by cultivating such +opportunities that I have been enabled to impart that interest to these +pages which, without vanity, I may say my reader cannot fail to discover +in them. Such have ever been my choicest and most profitable moments of +observation--subseciva quaedam tempora, quae ego perire non patiar. + +Neal Hopper was engaged in repairing a bolting-cloth up stairs in the +mill, and, for some time after this assemblage had gathered about the +smith's shop, did not hear or seem to know what was going forward, until +there came a loud, sharp laugh and a whoop which aroused his attention. +As soon as he heard this, he pricked up his ears, listened a moment, and +upon a repetition of the laugh, stepped to the window, looked down +toward the shop and saw who were there, then called Cicero to finish the +repair of the bolting-cloth--and went straight to the blacksmith's. + +"Well, what's the fraction," said Neal, "that you're all a busting out +in such a spell of a laugh about?" + +Hearing Neal's voice, Abel Brawn put down the horse's foot which he was +then shoeing, from his lap, and standing upright, replied,-- + +"There seems to be a sort of a snarl here among these brother Democrats +of yours, concerning of this here Sub-Treasury. Some of them say it's +against the banks, and some of them say it's for the banks. They have +got it that Cambreling should have give out in Congress that it was +going to help the banks and keep them up; and others, on the contrary, +say that Old Tom Benton swears that it won't leave so much as the skin +of a corporated company 'twixt Down East and the Mississippi. And they +say, moreover, that little Martin lays dark about it." + +"What does the Globe give out concerning of it?" inquired Neal. + +"Well, the Globe," replied Sam Pivot, the assessor of our county, who +was out for sheriff, and who was very cautious in all his opinions, "is, +as I take it, a little dubious. Sometimes he makes this Sub-Treasury a +smasher to all banks; and then again he fetches it up as a sort of staff +to prop the good ones and to knock down the cripples. Last fall, just +before the New York election, he rather buttered the banks, seeing that +the Democracy in that quarter hadn't made up their minds to run as +strong against the laboring people as they are willing to do over here +in the South. But in April, when the Virginny elections was up, he was +as savage as a meat-ax;--and I rather expect, from what I see in the +President's message, that it isn't yet fairly understood whether the +Sub-Treasury is to kill or cure the banking system." + +"It's a pig in a poke, to make the best of it," said Abel Brawn; "and is +flung before the people now because Van hasn't got nothing better to +offer us, and not because he values it above an old shoe. To my +thinking, when the people have decided against a law, as they have done +now against this Sub-Treasury, as you call it, twice in Congress, a +President of the United States ought to have that respect for the will +of the people to let it drop. That's what I call Whig Democracy--though +it mayn't be yourn." + +"Never!" exclaimed Tom Crop, the constable of our Borough. "If the +people go agin the Dimocracy, the Dimocracy ought to put them down. We +go for principle; and it's our business to try it over and over again, +until we carry it. Truth is mighty and _will_ prevail, as the old +Gineral says." + +"I have never been able," said Neal Hopper, "rightly to make out what +this Sub-Treasury is, anyhow. If any man knows, let him tell me." + +"What does that signify?" answered Crop. "Some calls it a divorce--but +betwixt who I don't know, and what's more, I don't care. It's for the +poor man we are a fighting, against the rich. The Whigs are for making +the poor poorer, and the rich richer--and I say any man who goes against +the Sub-Treasury, can't have no respect for Dimmicratic principles." + +"I'll tell you what it is," said Abel Brawn; "ever since the old +Federals took hold of General Jackson's skirts, and joined him in +breaking down the banks, they have been plotting to keep their heads +above water--and so they set about making experiments right and left, to +see if they couldn't hit upon something new to please the people. But, +bless you--they don't know no more about the people than they do about +making horseshoes; and that's the reason why they have been such +bunglers in all their works: and the end has been to bring us into such +a pickle as no country ever was in before. They have teetotally ruinated +everything they have laid their hands on--and now they come out and say +'the people expect too much from the Government,' and by way of making +that saying good, they have got up this Sub-Treasury, which is nothing +more nor less than a contrivance to get all the money of the country +into their own strong box, knowing that when they have _the money_, they +have got _the power_, for as long as they please. That's an old Federal +trick, which they understand as well as any men in the world. Now the +people, who see into this scheme, don't like it, and so they vote it +down in Congress. Well, what does these Federals do then? Submit? No--to +be sure not--that's not their principle. They go at it again; set to +drilling of Congress, and by promising this man, and buying off that one +with an office, and setting their papers to telling all sorts of lies, +they get the country so confounded at last that it doesn't know whether +it is on its head or its heels. But the worst of it is, these very +Federals--some of them real old Blue Lights--go about preaching about +rich and poor, and sowing enmity between them; and they work so diligent +upon this heat, that many a simple man at last believes them. It's all a +trick--a mean, sneaking deceit, which I am ashamed to think any honest +poor man in this happy country of ours could be taken in by for one +minute. But we never had this talk until we got Federal measures and +Federal men at the head of the Government. Who are the rich that they +talk about? Why, it is every man who has sense enough to know that they +are imposing on him, whether he be worth a million or worth only five +hundred dollars--unless indeed it be one of their own rich men, and then +they can't praise him too much. Is industry a sin in this land, that +when it has earned a little something for a wet day, the man who has +thriven by it must be held up as an enemy to his country? Does it hurt a +man's patriotism, when he sends his children to school, and works until +he can buy a tract of land to start them well in life--or when he rents +a pew in church, and carries his family there to teach them to fear God +and keep his commandments? Is it to be told _against_ a man, that his +neighbors count him to be frugal and thrifty, and that he is considered +respectable in the world? Yet that is your new fashioned Democracy, +which wants to put every one in the dust who doesn't idle away his time +and squander his substance, and let his family go to rack, whilst he +strolls about the country bawling Democracy. Thank God! the Democracy +I've larnt in my time has taught me to do to others as I would have +others do to me; and which has imbibed into my mind the principle that I +am a freeman, and have a right to think for myself, to speak for myself, +and to act for myself, without having a string put through my nose to +lead me wherever it suits a set of scheming, lying, cunning politicians +to have me for their benefit. Democracy's not what it used to be, or you +would never find the people putting up with this eternal dictation from +the President and his friends to Congress and to the nation, what he +will have, and what he won't have:--that's what I call rank monarchy, +and I will fight against it to my latest breath. + +"You will have a chance to judge for yourselves whether the +President dictates to the people or not, in this very matter of the +Sub-Treasury:--wait till the next session of Congress:--the bill has +just been rejected a second time. You will see that Martin isn't a going +to give it up, but will bring it forward again and again--until at last, +I make no doubt, he will get a Congress shabby enough to do his bidding, +and pass it;--and many of the very men who are against it to-day, will +abandon their own opinions and go for it, for no other reason in the +world but that they will be afraid of their nose-leaders, who will tell +them they are no Democrats unless they support the President. It is +nothing more nor less than _enlisting_ men in the service, and marching +and countermarching them whichever way the _officers_ choose; besides +bringing every man to a drum-head who dares to disobey orders." + +"What's Tom Benton's notion?" inquired Neal Hopper. + +"He goes for the Sub-Treasury out and out," said Pivot. + +"In course, he does, all hollow," interrupted Tom Crop, with rather a +fierce frown and an angry tone, designed to express his indignant +feeling at the sentiments uttered by Abel Brawn, and which sternness of +countenance had been gradually gathering during the whole time occupied +by the Blacksmith's discourse. "There's none of this slang in him. He's +agin all Monypolies, and for the rale Constitutional Currency--and +them's the genuine Dimmicratic principles:--leastways, they've come +about so now, whatever they might 'a been in times past. Old Tom's the +first man what ever found out what the Constitutional Currency raly was, +and sot the Dimmicrats a goin' on the Hard-Money track! And, besides, +don't I know these banks?--they're nuisances in grain, and naturally as +good as strikes a poor man in his vitals. I've seed it myself. Here was +Joe Plumb, the cider-press maker, got a note from Jerry Lantern down +here at the crossroads, for settin' up his cider-press, and he heaved it +in the bank for them to collect it--and what does the bank do, but go +and _purtest_ it! That's the way they treat a poor man like Joe Plumb, +what's obliged to work for his livin':--would they 'a sarved a Big Bug +so? No--don't tell me about the banks! I'm sick a hearin' on 'em." + +This discussion was now interrupted by the approach of Theodore Fog, +Flan Sucker, and Sim Travers. By this addition to the company, the New +Lights gained an overwhelming preponderance of numbers over their +adversaries. Indeed, Abel Brawn, and Davy Post, the wheelwright, were +the only Whigs in the assemblage; and the consequence was that Abel, who +fought them all pretty manfully at first, was obliged to give in so far +as to remain silent--with the exception of a random shot, which now and +then he let off by way of repartee--Abel not being bad at that. Davy +Post was naturally a silent man, and, therefore, did not pretend to be a +speaker on this occasion. + +As soon as Theodore Fog was informed what was the topic in debate, and +especially of the doubts which seemed to be prevalent regarding the +Sub-Treasury, he took a station against the door-post, where the whole +company gathered around him; and, being now in an oratorical mood, he +began to address the auditory in something like a speech:-- + +"Gentlemen," said he, at the same time drawing, with a jerk, his +neckcloth away and flaunting it in his hand, "in a free government we +have no secrets. Freedom of Opinion and its twin-sister Freedom of +Discussion are chartered libertines that float upon the ambient air +consecrated to the Genius of Universal Emancipation----" + +"Hurra for old The!" shouted Sim Travers. + +"Ya--hoop--halloo--go it!" yelled Flan Sucker, with a wild and deafening +scream, which sufficiently manifested the fact that he was most noisily +drunk. + +Several of the company interfered by remonstrating with Flan against +this unnecessary demonstration of fervor, which Flan, on the other hand, +insisted upon as his right. + +"Whenever old The. Fog comes out high flown," said he, "I yells as a +matter of principle. It's encouragin' to youth. Nebuchadnezzar, the King +of the Jews, couldn't beat him at a speech: he's the butt cut of +Democracy." + +"Flan, hold your tongue," said Theodore. "Gentlemen, we have no secrets. +Abel Brawn and Davy Post are welcome to hear all I have to impart. I +know--everybody knows--that we have been in a state of suspense on the +great question of the Sub-Treasury. The INDEPENDENT Treasury, as we are +going to call it since Congress rejected it--we'll try what a new name +will do. I say we have been in suspense. Like honest New Lights we have +waited to see how the cat would jump. Some men imagined that Martin +would bow to the judgment of the people and give it up. They did not +know the stern, uncompromising, footstep-following principles that dwell +at the bottom of his heart. He will _never_ give it up--the people +_must_ take it: he has got nothing else for them. Hasn't he tried +everything else? And isn't this the _last_ thing he could think of? Why, +then, of course, the people _must_ gulp it down, or the party is broke. +Where is the slave that would desert his party? Who's here so base would +be a turncoat? The Whigs call the President the _servant_ of the +people--we call him the Ruler, the Great Chieftain,--and when a man +deserts him he is a TURNCOAT--that is sound New-Light doctrine. + +"Sirs, it has been developed in the recent demonstrations of +contemporary history----" + +"Yip!" + +"Silence, Flan Sucker, and don't make a fool of yourself. It has been +discovered that bank influence has defeated the Sub-Treasury bill. Every +member who voted against it has received a large bribe from the banks. +The Globe man has lately discovered this astounding corruption: the +President is aware of it; and for this reason, in addition to that which +I have already mentioned, he is determined to run it as the INDEPENDENT +Treasury again. Every New Light is expected to toe the mark." + +"Three cheers for that!" cried Pivot. + +"We have heretofore _partially_ denounced the banks," continued Fog; "we +are now to open upon them like hounds--worry them like rats. From this +day forth, the Quods will take a new turn;--they will dismiss all pity +from their bosoms, and cry aloud for strangling the banks--not even +excepting our own. Patriotism demands the sacrifice. Down with paper +money! will be the word. Turn the tables on the Whigs, and call the +whole bank system the spawn of aristocracy--remember that. At the same +time, gentlemen, be not afraid. No harm will be done to any bank you +have a liking for--the essence of the thing is in the noise. We shall +have perhaps to kill the banks in the District of Columbia--but that's +nothing;--it will be an offering to consistency. All experiments require +an exhausted receiver--and the District is ours;--a snug little piece of +machinery to play upon. So keep it in mind--Treasury Notes and no Paper +Money!--down with Credit, and up with the Independent Treasury!" + +"Ain't that first-rate?" said Sim Travers. "The., who sot that agoin'?" + +"Who?" replied Fog. "Why, some of the highest men in this nation--the +Lights of the age. Middleton Flam has just received letters from +Washington, laying open the whole plan of operations. He has accordingly +determined to put himself in position for ultimate action, by resigning +the presidency of the bank. Middleton Flam, gentlemen, I am free to say +it, although we have differed on some questions, is a great man and an +honor to the New Lights. He has already sent his resignation to +Nicodemus Handy. The Board meet to-morrow to act upon it. You may +imagine, gentlemen, who is looked to as his successor. But I here +announce to _you_, the conglomerate essence of my constituency at large, +that on no consideration can I be persuaded to accept the vacant place. +No, gentlemen, the whole tenor of my life renders that impossible. I +have defined my position years ago; and every man must see, that +president of that, or any other bank, I can never be. Simon Snuffers is +the man. If he can make it agreeable to the Democratic principle upon +which he holds the Hay Scales--and that it is for you to say--I have no +doubt he will accept. Simon has no ulterior objects;--and men without +ulterior objects may do as they please. But I trust that this +responsible post will never be pressed upon me. Upon that point I cannot +indulge the wishes of my friends." + +The importance of this speech was duly appreciated by those to whom it +was addressed; and as every man was anxious to know what everybody else +thought about these matters, there was an immediate adjournment to the +Borough. The consequence was, that Abel Brawn's shop was left in a few +moments without a customer; and in the course of the next half hour the +news communicated by Theodore Fog was in every man's mouth. The movement +at Washington was held to be decisive. The Independent Treasury, from +that moment, became a leading test of the allegiance of the Democrats of +Quodlibet. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + LETTER FROM A CABINET OFFICER TO MR. FLAM--DIRECTIONS TO THE + DEMOCRACY--THE CABINET OFFICER'S MODE OF PRODUCING AN + IMPRESSION--THE PRESIDENT'S DETERMINATION IN REGARD TO THE + INDEPENDENT TREASURY--WARNING TO DESERTERS--CANDIDATES FOR + MR. FLAM'S PLACE IN THE BANK--HARDBOTTLE ELECTED--THEODORE + FOG'S OUTBREAK--HE COOLS DOWN AND STANDS UPON + PRINCIPLE--HARDBOTTLE UNPOPULAR. + + +The fact was as Theodore Fog had stated it. Mr. Flam had received a +letter from a member of the Cabinet, apprising him that it was deemed +absolutely necessary to the preservation of the New-Light Democratic +Party to become extremely pointed in their assault against the State +Banks, and that the misdeeds of those institutions should be exaggerated +as much as possible, and then charged upon the Whigs. + +"This attack," said the letter, "must be made with more than usual +clamor, and followed up with unremitting industry, that, by force of the +first word and incessant repetition, we may get the people to believe +that we have had nothing to do with the creation of these corporations; +but have, in fact, been inveterately hostile to them from the first, and +that our opponents have been their sole patrons and friends. Our recent +outcry on this subject has succeeded so well with the people, that we +are determined now to make the denunciation of the banks our chief +topic, by way of preparation for the Independent Treasury which we are +resolved the people shall swallow. We cannot too strongly impress upon +our friends the propriety of charging upon the Whigs that we have +repeatedly warned them against increasing the number of banks in the +States. By this device we shall put upon their shoulders all those +mischiefs of _over-banking_ and _over-trading_, which _they_ used to +talk about. We must impute to them all the evils of the paper +system--except the Treasury notes, which it would be well for us to +praise, as an admirable Democratic scheme to give the country a METALLIC +currency. It has also been deemed important," continued the writer, +"that we should prove that the government has lost more money by the +State banks than by any other agents it has ever employed. This idea was +hinted to the Secretary of the Treasury, who has, in consequence, very +recently been at work upon the subject, and has produced a report +altogether conclusive against the banks. He will continue these labors +with a view to the instruction of Congress and all our other inquiring +friends; being, in no respect, daunted by that unlucky report made by +him in 1834, which, singularly enough, proves the opposite side of the +case; for, as he remarks, the specific gravity of his State papers is so +great as to sink them too deep for the perception of the present +generation,--and that consequently his report of 1834 must be pretty +well forgotten by this time, which, indeed, I think quite likely;--it +was so long-winded, dozy, and prosy, (a note in the margin marked this +as 'confidential,') that I should not wonder if more than ten men in +Congress ever read it, and of those, perhaps not a single one retains +any distinct impression of its meaning." The letter exhorted Mr. Flam to +make these views known to the drill sergeants and corporals of the party +in Quodlibet, and to stimulate them to active exertions in the part +assigned to them. "Pound it into public mind," said the writer, "that +the Whigs are the authors of the present evils; continual pounding will +inevitably, at last, do the business. Many a time have I riveted, by +diligent hammering, a politic and necessary fabrication upon the +credulity of the people--so fast that no art of my adversary could tear +it away to make room for the truth: therefore, I say to you and our +Democratic friends--hammer without ceasing." + +A letter also from the Secretary, at the same time, informed Mr. Flam, +that as the people had so contumaciously rejected the Independent +Treasury bill, by their representatives in Congress, the President was +now determined to carry it at all hazards; and consequently it was +expected that no New-Light Democrat would be so false to the glorious +principles of the Quodlibetarian theory as to interpose any opinion of +his own between the will of the President and the appropriate duty of +the people. "If such should be the case," said the Secretary, "Mr. Van +Buren can have no alternative--the individual so recreant to the eternal +principles of the New-Light Democracy must be denounced by the Globe as +an enemy to freedom, and, what is worse, a traitor to his party." + +Mr. Flam reflected upon these communications with grave attention; and +having shown them to some of his intimate friends, among whom I count it +my highest honor to be ranked, he announced his purpose to resign his +post in the bank. For this step he had two good reasons: the first was +the necessity of disencumbering himself of a connection which might have +impeded his usefulness--to use his own words--in his public relations; +the second reason was, that he had borrowed so large an amount from the +bank, as to circumscribe its bounty greatly to the prejudice of sundry +of the directors who were, in consequence, beginning to complain of his +management of the institution, and were even threatening to run an +opposition against him in the election which was but a few months off. +It was whispered also that Nicodemus Handy had given him a mysterious +but friendly hint to resign, without explaining his reasons. Upon these +considerations his mind was made up; and accordingly the resignation was +laid before the Board at the time indicated by Theodore Fog. + +This event produced great sensation in Quodlibet; not less from the +curiosity to know why our distinguished representative should relinquish +so lucrative a post, than from the interest felt in the measure of +selecting his successor. Fifteen of our most strenuous New-Light +Democrats were candidates; and notwithstanding the speech made at the +blacksmith's shop, Theodore Fog was the first who wrote a letter to the +Board to apprise them that, in consequence of the eager importunity of +his Democratic friends to confide the bank to his management, he found +himself compelled to forego his objections to having any concern with +the banking system, and therefore would not feel himself at liberty to +decline the Presidency in case it should be offered to him. He said he +wished it to be distinctly understood, that emolument was not his +object: but that he was actuated solely by his attachment to that +New-Light Democratic principle which taught him on all occasions to seek +preferment, as the means of widening the sphere of his usefulness, and +to increase his worldly fortune only for the sake of the good it enabled +him to dispense to the people. On no other terms was he willing to +accept the government of the bank. + +Some two or three days were spent in canvassing this matter; when the +choice ultimately, upon the twenty-fifth balloting, fell upon Anthony +Hardbottle, who had not been previously thought of for the place, and +was only brought forward when all attempts to elect others had failed. +The fifteen original candidates became greatly incensed at this choice. +Theodore Fog was furious: he said Hardbottle could scarcely be called a +Democrat:--if anything, he was half Whig--nay, he believed, whole +Whig:--and to elect a Whig to a great responsible post like that--a post +connected with the national fisc, allied to the money power, so +intimately related to the important concerns of the currency!--it was +not to be tolerated. The Genius of New-Light Democracy should array +herself in steel, indue herself in panoply, buckle on her armor, shake +her lance against it, or, in other words, he deemed it incompatible with +free institutions to allow a Whig, or, at least, a man who never +attended political meetings, and who held the Whigs in respect--to +preside over such a Democratic institution as the Copperplate Bank of +Quodlibet. Theodore continued raving in this strain until he drank nine +juleps, interspersed with numberless other potations, and became so +incapable of motion as to render it necessary for Mrs. Ferret to have +him carried to bed. As he cooled, so cooled his competitors. Indeed, in +the course of a few days, Theodore Fog, in commenting upon the +pretensions of the several defeated candidates, found so many objections +to them individually and collectively, as to bring himself into an +excellent temper upon the subject, whereby he was able to make merry +with the whole election; and thus, by degrees, he fell back into the +state of mind which he had manifested at the smith's shop, and declared +that no consideration could possibly induce him, professing the +principles he did, to accept any post connected with a bank. He +expressed himself in sharp and censorious terms against what, he said, +he had constantly observed: namely, that he never knew a post in a bank +to be vacant, from the President down to the porter, including Directors +and all, in regard to which he didn't find half a dozen Loco Focos, to +say nothing of New-Light Democrats, applicants to fill the vacancy: he +thought it inconsistent with principle, now that orders had come for the +Democracy to abuse the banks, to seek or accept such places; and he did +not care who knew his sentiments upon the subject. + +Mr. Hardbottle was a strict man of business, and did not, it is true, +greatly interest himself in politics. Yet, nevertheless, he was a +decided supporter of the New-Light cause, and was always esteemed a +useful member of the Borough. One thing that made against him in the +Board was, that he had never been a very active customer to the bank, +except so far only as keeping his commercial account there. He was often +urged to accept accommodations with a view to the improvement of the +Borough, but almost invariably refused, from an aversion to indulging in +these useful speculations. His brother Directors, in consequence, rather +regarded him as a man who was deficient in public spirit; and they +imagined that he might be inclined to depreciate the value of the +services they had rendered the bank by the liberal employment they had +given to its funds. Mr. Hardbottle, therefore, might be said to +have entered into the government of the bank under inauspicious +circumstances, and was likely not to be a very popular President. He +was, however, determined upon one thing, and that was to make a thorough +examination of the bank for the purpose of bringing about a resumption +of specie payments at the earliest possible moment; for some complaints +had gone abroad against the Bank of Quodlibet for not resuming when the +other banks of the country affected to be anxious for that measure. + +In consequence of this determination of the new President, the bank was +kept in perpetual bustle for the whole fortnight succeeding the +election. What then occurred will be told in the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + UNHAPPY EVENT IN THE LIFE OF NICODEMUS HANDY--CONSTERNATION + OF QUODLIBET--DISASTERS AMONG THE DIRECTORS--EXPLOSION + OF THE BANK--CONVERSATION BETWEEN THEODORE FOG AND MR. + GRANT--FOG'S VIEWS OF THE QUESTION OF DISTRESS--COMPLIMENT + TO JESSE FERRET. + + +I know not which way to turn. Auribus teneo lupum. I can scarcely +compose myself to write. Such an event! Many things have happened in +this world to excite wonder, many grief, many indignation, many wailing, +lamentation, and moans; but we have had an incident in the Borough which +overmasters all these emotions by the height and the depth, the length +and the breadth, the stupendous magnitude of the amazement which it has +spread through all minds. + +The investigation of the affairs of the bank, under the direction of Mr. +Hardbottle, lasted more than a fortnight. They were not yet brought to a +close, when---- Let the following paragraph from an extra Whole Hog, +issued on the spur of the moment, tell the rest. I have no nerve for +such a disclosure. + + "ASTOUNDING WHIG DEFALCATION. + + "Our Borough has just been thrown into a state of stupefaction by + an event which completely eclipses every other act of crime and + villainy with which the annals of Whiggery abound. Nicodemus Handy, + the Whig Cashier of that extortionate, swindling Whig rag-factory, + the Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet, left this Borough + yesterday morning in the People's Line, which runs through Thorough + Blue. As this journey was undertaken with the pretense of + business, it attracted no attention until this morning, when the + indefatigable Democratic President of that institution, Mr. Anthony + Hardbottle, who was recently elected for the purpose of a thorough + investigation into its concerns, (suspicions having been + long indulged of its rottenness; and, in fact, our worthy + representative, the Hon. Middleton Flam, an unterrified and + incorruptible New Light, having retired from the head of the + institution on account of the disgusting irregularities which fell + within his view,) laid a statement before the Board which showed + that the Cashier had secreted upwards of $160,000, the greater part + of which funds there is reason to believe he has made away with in + the course of the last three months. Measures were taken to pursue + the offender, and as far as possible to secure the bank + by attachments upon his property, which is supposed to be + considerable. For the present, we forbear all comment, except so + far as to remark, that we look upon this atrocious fraud but as the + natural fruit of that system of Whig measures which has cumbered + the land with mushroom banks, filthy rags, and swarms of scrub + aristocrats in the shape of presidents, cashiers, directors, and + clerks. We may speedily expect to hear of many more Whigs following + the example of our absquatulating Cashier." + +The sensation produced in the Borough by this intelligence is not to be +described. The flight of Mr. Handy was the only topic of conversation +for a week. An officer followed him to Thorough Blue, whence, it was +rumored, the fugitive had shaped his course for Texas: other reports +assigned Canada as his place of refuge--all was uncertainty. Legal +measures were taken to secure his property. This consisted of his +elegant mansion on Copperplate Ridge, sundry rows of warehouses, and +other buildings in Quodlibet, a large number of which had been left for +two years past in an unfinished state. Upon investigation it was +ascertained that the whole of this estate had been converted into money; +our worthy representative, the Hon. Middleton Flam, having an absolute +conveyance for Handy House, its furniture, and appurtenances, and +certain political friends, connected with the custom-house in New York, +rank Whigs, having mortgages on all the rest of the property. The +consequence was, the bank was able to secure nothing. + +One of our first proceedings, after the flight of the Cashier, was to +call together the New-Light Club, where resolutions were passed +denouncing his fraud as the necessary consequence of his Whig +principles, censuring the bank, in the strongest terms, as a swindling +Whig concern, and avowing an unalterable devotion to the Independent +Treasury, as the only sound, genuine, New-Light Democratic experiment +which it was proper for the government to make, in the present condition +of affairs--unless the President should change his mind and find out +something still more Democratic; in which event the New-Light Club +pledged itself to give that other measure their cordial and patriotic +support. + +In the course of a fortnight, the inhabitants of the Borough were +surprised to read from a New York paper, in the list of passengers who +sailed for Liverpool by the packet of the first of October, among the +names of sundry fashionables, those also of Mrs. and Miss Handy; and we +were, not long afterward, relieved from all doubt as to the Cashier's +destination, by seeing it publicly announced that he had gone to Havre, +from which point, as soon as he could be joined by his interesting and +distressed family, he designed making the tour of Europe. + +From the period of the elopement of Mr. Handy, we had a series of +convulsions. The first incident of importance that followed it, was the +failure of the whole Board of Directors; each of whom, according to his +own showing, had lost so much money by the absconding Cashier as to be +totally unable to pay up his liabilities to the bank. The next disaster +was the explosion of the bank itself. The abduction of so large an +amount of its funds, as well as its unfortunate list of bad debts from +the Directors, rendered this inevitable. Then came riots among the +holders of its paper, who besieged the door for several days, and even +threatened to pull down the building. Never was a community in a more +unhappy commotion than ours at this eventful epoch. + +Mr. Grant visited the Borough frequently during the prevalence of these +disorders. One day he met Theodore Fog, who seemed to be rather +pleasurably excited by the events which occupied and engrossed the +public attention--for Theodore, as he was in the habit of remarking, had +nothing to lose by these domestic convulsions, and everything to gain. +The election was at hand, and he was again the True-Grit candidate; but +on this occasion there was no opposition from his own party, and the +chance of electing a Whig was deemed hopeless. That side made no +nomination; and Fog, therefore, with his two colleagues of the last +year, was in a fair way to walk over the course without a contest. The +interests of the election, consequently, were altogether absorbed in the +other incidents of the day. Still, Theodore was not inattentive to the +voters, and was, as usual, loquacious and voluble. + +"A pretty considerable upheaving of the elements of social life, Mr. +Grant," said he, upon encountering the old gentleman on Ferret's steps +at the front door of The Hero. + +"I think so," replied Mr. Grant; "you have brought your pigs at last to +a fine market." + +"_Our_ pigs!" exclaimed Fog, with an excellent representation of +surprise:--"well, that beats M'Gonegal, and he beat the devil. The whole +litter comes from a Whig mother: it is the spawn of that aristocracy, +against which the intelligence, the honor, and the virtue of the nation +have been waging war ever since the Reign of Terror;--but, sir, it is +down; the intelligence and firmness of the people have triumphed at +last." + +"You allude, I suppose, to your Democratic bank here," said Mr. Grant. + +"No doubt," replied Fog, "the Whigs will attempt to shuffle the bank +off _their_ shoulders and buckle it on the Democrats. But that won't do, +sir; that's too stale a trick to deceive the people. The Whigs, sir, are +men of property; the Democrats are poor, sir. Banks are not made by poor +men, Mr. Grant; there's the logic of the case." + +"And this Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet was not set on foot by +Nicodemus Handy and Theodore Fog?" returned Mr. Grant. + +"By Nicodemus Handy," replied Fog, "not by me. Sir, Nicodemus was always +a Whig; and, what's more, attempted to beguile me into his scheme. He +took advantage of my unsuspecting temper--endeavored to lull into +security my artless, confiding nature; essayed, sir, but in vain, to +seduce me from my allegiance to the Democratic faith, by tempting offers +of the presidency of the bank--but, sir, my virtue was too stern for his +treacherous arts. I saw the gilded bait and spurned it. It was--I say it +myself--a rare example of successful resistance to the fascinations of +the tempter. Many a Democrat has fallen into the snare of the Whigs +under less allurement. I pride myself on this evidence of self-command. +I have reason to be proud of it." + +"You have a short memory," said Mr. Grant. + +"Why as to that, old friend," replied Fog with a good-natured laugh, at +the same time laying his hand on Mr. Grant's shoulder, "you can't call +_that_ a fault. Every politician has a short memory--he'd be no +politician without it. Mine's no shorter than the rest. Sir, let me tell +you, the great secret of the success of the immutable, New-Light, +Quodlibetarian Democracy, is in the shortness of the memory. Still, I +would like to know what you mean by the remark." + +"I mean to say," replied Mr. Grant, "that when you and Nicodemus Handy +were endeavoring to persuade me to take an interest in your bank, you +didn't think it so undemocratic as you seem to do to-day." + +"It is impossible for me to remember what I said on the occasion to +which you allude, sir," returned Fog; "but my principles have always +been the same. I could not have gone against them, sir; morally +impossible." + +"And I told you that your bank was a humbug," continued Mr. Grant. + +"Ay, ay," rejoined Fog; "that's the old song. You Whigs are monstrous +good at prophesying after the result is known." + +"You admit, I suppose," said Mr. Grant, "that this Bank of Quodlibet has +exploded?" + +"Burst, sir, into a thousand tatters," replied Fog. + +"You admit that there is a large amount of paper money afloat?" + +"A genuine Whig crop," answered Fog: "enough to make a stack as large as +the largest in your barnyard." + +"You admit the derangement of values all over the country?" + +"Yes, and of the people too, if you make it a point." + +"The failures of traders and of banks?" + +"Yes." + +"This is reasonable, Mr. Fog. Now, you shall judge whether the Whigs +prophesy _before_ or _after_ the result," said Mr. Grant, as he thrust +his hand into his skirt pocket and drew forth a pamphlet. "I expected to +meet you to-day, and I have brought you a document for your especial +perusal. It is the speech of a Whig member of Congress, made in 1834, +upon the Removal of the Deposits;--you will find the leaf turned down at +page 32; and, as you are a good reader, I wish you would favor this +company by reading it aloud, where you see it scored in the margin." + +"Not I," replied Theodore; "that's four years ago. The statute of +limitation bars that." + +"He's afeard to read it," said Abel Brawn to some five or six persons, +who had collected around the steps during this conversation. "Mr. +Grant's mighty particular with his documents, and ain't to be shook off +in an argument." + +"The., you ain't afeard, old fellow?" said Flan Sucker. "Walk into him, +The. Read it." + +"Give me the book," said Fog, "and let's see what it is. Speech by +Horace Binney--eh? Who's he? I think I have heard the name. Well, for +the sake of obliging a friend, I'll read.--_Conticuere omnes_--which +means listen." Fog then read as follows:-- + +"It is here that we find a pregnant source of the present agony--it is +in the clearly avowed design to bring a second time upon this land the +curse of an unregulated, uncontrolled State-Bank paper currency. We are +again to see the drama which already, in the course of the present +century, has passed before us, and closed in ruin. If the project shall +be successful----" + +"What project?" inquired Fog. + +"The destruction of the Bank of the United States, and the refusal to +create another in its place," answered Mr. Grant. + +Theodore read on-- + + "If the project shall be successful, we are again to see these + paper missiles shooting in every direction through the country--a + derangement of all values,--a depreciated circulation--a suspension + of specie payments;--then a further extension of the same + detestable paper--a still greater depreciation--with failures of + traders and failures of banks in its train--to arrive at last at + the same point from which we departed in 1817." + +"A rank forgery," said Theodore Fog, "printed for the occasion." + +"That won't do," replied Mr. Grant; "I have been the owner of this +pamphlet ever since 1834 myself." + +"Then Binney is a Dimmycrat," said Sim Travers, "and you are trying to +pass him off on us for a Whig. Sound Dimmycratic doctrine and true +prophecy." + +"Huzza for Binney!" shouted Flan Sucker, "a tip-top Dimmycrat, whoever +he is!--I never heard of him before." + +"Yes," said Mr. Grant, "one ounce of his Democracy is worth a ton weight +of the best you will find in the Globe. But read on, a little further +below, where you see it scored." + +"I have an innate and mortal aversion to reading," returned Fog. + +"It must be gone through," said Flan Sucker,--"because them sentiments +is the rale Dimmocracy, and we want to hear them. So, go it, +The!--Yip--listen boys, to the doctrine." + +"Well," said Fog, "if you will have it--as the pillory said to the +thief, 'lend me your ears.'" + + "I thank the Secretary," he began with a discreet voice, reading + where Mr. Grant appointed for him, "for the disclosure of this + plan. I trust in God it will be defeated: that the Bank of the + United States, while it is in existence, may be sustained and + strengthened by the public opinion, and interests of the people, to + defeat it: that the sound and sober State banks of the Union may + resist it--for it is their cause: that the poor men and laborers in + the land may resist it--for it is a scheme to get from every one of + them a dollar's worth of labor for fifty cents, and to make fraud + the currency of the country as much as paper. Sir, the Bank of the + United States, in any other relation than to the currency and + property of the country, is as little to me as to any man under + heaven; but after the prime and vigor of life are passed, and the + power of accumulation is gone, to see the children stripped, by the + monstrous imposture of a paper currency, of all that the father's + industry had provided for them--this, sir, may well excuse the + warmth that denounces this plan, as the precursor of universal + dismay and ruin." + +"I'll read no more," said Fog, giving back the book, with a theatrical +flourish of his arm, to Mr. Grant; "it is nothing more than stealing our +principles from us, and then bringing them up to break our heads." + +"It is good Whig prophecy, four years before its fulfillment," said Mr. +Grant, "and which has come true to the letter. It shows you that we set +our faces against your increase of banks in the very beginning; gave you +warning of what was to come; painted the very evils of this day so +plainly before your eyes that nothing but willful blindness prevented +you from seeing them; and now, when it has all fallen out as it was +foretold, you attempt to make us responsible to the people for your +measures." + +"Sir," said Fog, rather evading the argument, as it is an admirable part +of the New-Light system to do when it pinches, "the New-Light Democracy +changes its measures, but never its principles. We go, sir, for the will +of the people--that's the principle which lies at the bottom of all our +actions. If the people are for new measures, we frankly come out with +them. Now, sir, the people are _against_ the banks--they are _for_ the +Independent Treasury: of course, then, you know where to find _us_. You +can't get round us--there we are." + +"I'll not dispute that point with you," replied Mr. Grant; "you have +been changing from bad to worse ever since you have had the control of +affairs. I only wanted to remind you that the present distress of the +country is the work of your own hands, and that you have brought it +about with your eyes open." + +Saying these words Mr. Grant walked off toward the stable, where he +mounted his horse and rode out of the Borough. + +As soon as the old gentleman was gone, Theodore Fog remarked that he +had not had as dry a talk for some years, and proposed to the company a +general visit to the bar. + +"They talk of _distress_," said he. "Mr. Grant has gone off with his +head full of that notion of distress; it's a famous Whig argument, that. +But what distress is there? Drinking's as cheap; eating's as cheap as +ever; so is lying. Eating, drinking, and lying, are the three principal +occupations of man. Lying _down_, I mean, metaphorically for sleeping. +Where's the distress, then? Mere panic--false alarm--a Whig invention! +The country is better off than it ever was before. Not for men who trade +upon credit, I allow--not for merchants and shippers in general--not for +your fellows that go about for jobs--not for farmers--not for regular +laborers--not for mechanics, with families on their hands, and +perhaps not for single ones neither;--but first-rate for lawyers, +bar-keepers, and brokers, for marshals and sheriffs--capital for +constables--nonpareil for postmasters, contractors, express-riders, and +office-holders; and glorious for fellows that are fond of talking and +have nothing to do:--these are the very gristle of the New-Light +Democracy, and make a genteel majority at the elections." + +"Mr. Fog," said Jesse Ferret, "I am so well pleased at your reading for +Mr. Grant this morning, that I'm determined to give you a treat;--help +yourself and your friends. Gentlemen, walk up." + +"Glad you liked it, old buck," replied Fog. "Bless your heart, I'm +used to such things. A political man must always be ready for rubbers; +never would get a gloss if it wasn't for brushing. That Binney's a smart +fellow; but every word of that speech was whispered into his ear by +Benton; I know the fact personally. He and Benton sit up every night of +their lives together in Washington, playing old sledge and drinking +cocktail: that accounts for Binney's Democracy. Gentlemen, our friend +Ferret's treat--we'll drink his health--a worthy, persuadable, amenable +man--so here's to him. Wait for the word--Jesse Ferret, a gentleman and +a scholar, an antiquarian and a tavern-keeper--long life to him!" + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + A RAPID REVIEW OF ONE YEAR--WHAT THE AUTHOR IS COMPELLED TO + PRETERMIT--THE PRESIDENT'S "SOBER SECONDTHOUGHT" MESSAGE + RECEIVED AT QUODLIBET WITH GREAT REJOICING--THE AUTHOR + COMMUNES WITH HIS READER TOUCHING NEW-LIGHT + PRINCIPLES--ILLUSTRATIONS OF THEM--REMARKABLE DEXTERITY OF + THE SECRETARY--INTERESTING LETTER FROM THE HON. MIDDLETON + FLAM--DAWNING OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CANVASS--THE NORTHERN MAN + WITH SOUTHERN PRINCIPLES AND HIS MANNIKIN. + + +Time held his course. Another year went by, and brought us to the sixth +since the Removal. The year which I pass over was marked by many public +and domestic incidents worthy of note in the history of Quodlibet. +Gladly would I have tarried to entertain my reader with some of these; +but I am admonished of the necessity of bringing these desultory annals +to a close. Especially might I find much to interest many of those who +will peruse these pages, in the private and personal affairs of the +Borough; some of the events of the bygone year being of a nature to +kindle up pathetic emotions in their bosoms. The blank despair of +Agamemnon Flag when he first heard of the flight of Nicodemus Handy; his +melancholy visits of consolation to the bereaved family; the +disinterested avowal of his long-smothered and smouldering love to the +heiress apparent; and his offer of his hand and fortune--consisting of a +new suit of clothes, and a horse and gig, purchased on credit--to this +dejected lady; his still blanker despair, his disappointment and vows of +revenge when, after listening to his suit, he found it announced that +she had sailed without him, to make the grand tour of Europe; and +finally, the stoical philosophy with which he renounced all claim to the +reversionary interest in the one hundred and sixty thousand dollars +taken from the bank, as well as the net proceeds of Handy Place, and the +rows of buildings, finished and unfinished, in Quodlibet--these +incidents would furnish an episode of tenderness and passion without a +parallel since the Medea of Euripides. + +But these excursions are foreign from the purpose of this book, and I am +sure would be disallowed by the respectable committee at whose instance +I have entered upon this task. Indeed, they have explicitly enjoined +that I divulge nothing under their sanction, touching the concerns of +Quodlibet which in any manner borders upon the romantic. Upon these +subjects their caution is, Nulli tacuisse nocet, tutum silentii praemium. +I must, therefore, reluctantly pretermit all such matter--reserving for +some other occasion the gratification of the public curiosity therein. + +In looking back upon the public events of this interval, I deem it +necessary, in passing, merely to notice the fact that the New Lights +were greatly rejoiced to find in Mr. Van Buren's message to Congress a +complete justification of the Secretary's promise to Mr. Flam, the +import of which was to assure our representative that the President had +made up his mind, after the rejection of that measure, to carry the +Independent Treasury in spite of the people. Our uncompromising, +fearless, and _unshakable_ Quods, true to the dictates of their creed, +were, I repeat, greatly rejoiced at the manly perseverance and +unquenchable self-will with which the President delivered over that +question to the "Sober Secondthoughts" (a pest upon the unlucky +coincidence of that phrase with my patronymic!--it hath given license to +the tongues of the wags, to my annoyance) of the people. Every good +New-Light Democrat in the land understood the hint--and a presidential +hint is no small matter to a Democrat now-a-days. Truly delightful was +it to see how it acted upon the New Lights. Not a man among them who had +hitherto halted on a scruple of conscience, but became thereupon, in the +twinkling of an eye, a devoted champion of the Independent Treasury; and +that, too, without knowing, or caring to know, what it was. It was +hoisted in capitals, at the head of Eliphalet Fox's Weekly, and became +forthwith, as it were, a word written on our banner. We were, one and +all, converted into milites subsignani, and became the Maccabees of this +new kind of Independent Treasury. + +It has doubtless often occurred to the reader of this irregular +history to inquire how it comes to pass that the historian has ventured +to relate with such composure, nay, with such complacency, what +superficial thinkers, at least, might deem to be the _changes_ in the +political principles of the New Lights. Superficial is a good word, and +truly explains the case. Our _principles_, as every one who is gifted +with sufficient astuteness could not fail to have observed throughout +this narrative--and as, in fact, we have more than once insinuated--are +much deeper than the _measures_ we, from time to time, find it +convenient to adopt. We hold a change of measures, a change of opinions, +a change of doctrine, and even a change of established facts, as +nothing. But a change of men we totally abhor; a change of office, +unless in the way of promotion, we utterly discountenance; and a change +from a majority to a minority we execrate as wholly abominable, +detestable, and in nowise to be endured. Now, in our creed, men, +officers, and majorities make up the complex idea of what we denominate +_principle_. The whole scope of the New-Light philosophy is, by the +vigor of this thing _principle_, as I have defined it, to keep the Whigs +down and our modern school of New-Light Democrats up. We proudly appeal +to our past history to sustain our consistency in this pursuit. Let any +dispassionate observer trace our meanderings through the last ten years: +he will see the efficacy of our system manifested in the wonderful, the +almost miraculous conversion of Old Blue-Light Federalists, and +Federalists of every hue, into the Born Veterans of Democracy, and in +investing these worthy relics of ancient patriotism with the most +profitable offices in the gift of the government. He will see it in the +merciless war--bellum ad internecionem--waged by our forces in the name +of the people, against credit, commerce, and industry: he will remark +how abundantly, and, as it were, by magic, it has fed the nation upon +the economical, and therefore republican food of promises, relating to a +sound currency--especially those referring to the gold and silver, while +it was stealing along into the cheap and convenient system of a +government paper in the shape of Treasury notes; and he will observe, +with unfeigned surprise and redoubled admiration, how effectually it has +secured to us the services and the money of the most opulent individuals +in the land, and of the largest corporations created by the States--in a +most signal degree those concerned in public works--while it preaches +against wealth, chartered privileges and monopolies, and, by its zeal +against them, has enlisted almost every penniless man, every wasted +bankrupt, and every cracked reputation in the Union upon our side. But +we have a still more illustrious exemplification of the practical value +of our philosophy in the address with which affairs are managed by the +head of the Treasury. + +The letter of directions to the Hon. Middleton Flam, with which my +readers have been favored in a previous chapter, it will be remembered, +required the New Lights to support the Independent Treasury, and as +necessary thereto, to take ground against the State banks, as altogether +unsafe depositories of the public money. It further intimated, supposing +we might be diffident about this, that the Secretary of the Treasury had +already furnished evidence of this fact, and would, at the proper time, +make it manifest that the Government had lost more money by the banks +than by any other agents it had ever trusted. Our club had never before +been aware that the Secretary had reversed his old opinions on this +grave question, and we, therefore, lost no time in making a call upon +our member for information. Great anxiety was felt to possess the +Secretary's views. A substantial vindication of the Independent Treasury +in this aspect, by the overthrow of the banks on the authority of the +man who had built them up, was a desideratum which we all acknowledged; +and its success we were prepared to regard as the greatest triumph of +the New-Light principle, to be accomplished through the influence of +that matchless Secretary, "whose mind," as Theodore Fog once remarked, +"was endued with a radiating faculty sufficiently intense to light up +the bottom of a bog, impart a vitreous translucency to the home of the +frog, and illuminate the abode of the bat with a luster more brilliant +than that which glittered through the boudoirs of the palace of +Aladdin." We were aware that in 1834 his duty required him to prove that +the State banks, while unmolested by the vexatious presence of a bank of +the United States, were the safest of all possible custodiaries +of the people's money; and that it was the Monster Bank alone +which incapacitated them to fulfill their engagements to the +Government--thence deducing the fact, that when the monster was dead, +the public funds could be no otherwise than safe in their keeping. We +were aware that at that time it was more particularly his duty to praise +the State banks, because the unprincipled Whigs denied the fact of their +safety, and opposed the scheme of giving them the public treasure, on +the very ground that the Government had been a heavy loser by them from +the period of the war up to the date of the charter of the bank. We had +read carefully his report of the 12th of December in that year, and +remembered these words:-- + + "It is a remarkable fact connected with this inquiry, though often + represented otherwise, that not a single selected State bank failed + between the expiration of the old charter and the grant of the new + one; and that none of our losses included in our unavailable funds + happened until some time in 1817, after the United States Bank was + in operation." + +This, and some other facts culled from the same report, constituted the +armory of weapons by which our club so manfully fought and prostrated +the croaking and factious Whigs of Quodlibet, when, in their ravings, +they predicted loss from our employment of the pet banks. But the New +Lights being now ordered to take another tack, and being promised a good +fabrication of facts to fortify our position, we rested on our arms like +soldiers confident in the talents of their general to intrench them in +their new camp, secure against every charge of the enemy. Mr. Flam lost +no time in providing us with the Secretary's report of February +27th, 1838. That officer did not deceive our hopes. This luminous +paper carried demonstration on its wings and refutation in its +footsteps. Prodigious man! Enormous functionary! Brightest of +ministers! Samson of the New Lights! Aaron and Moses both in one, of +our Democratic, Quodlibetarian, Golden-calf-worshiping Israelites, (I +speak symbolically, and not in derogation of the anxiously-looked-for +and long-desired Bentonian coin.) He but touched the rock of New-Light +faith, and forth gushed the facts like water--yea, and arguments like +milk and water. With what gratulation did we read,-- + + "The loss to the Treasury by taking depreciated notes, in 1814, + '15, '16, and '17, is estimated at quite five millions five hundred + thousand dollars; and there is now on hand of such notes then + received and never paid away, or collected, about eighty thousand + dollars more." + +There was a conclusive argument to all that the Whigs might have urged +in favor of the safety of State banks, if they had thought proper to +defend them; and, in truth, it was some little mortification to us that +our adversaries did not come out in favor of the banks, when we were so +well provided with facts to put them down. But they, with that +remarkable obstinacy which has ever characterized them, and which is +altogether behind the age, stuck to their old opinions, and left us +without anything to controvert, except, indeed, our own facts of 1834. + +This instance, however, serves to show with what majestic bounds the +New Lights have passed over the broad field of measures, and with what +facile and graceful dexterity they have refuted that antiquated and +vulgar adage which stigmatizes facts as stubborn things. Thus the beauty +of this unrivaled philosophy consists in the harmony with which it +reconciles past times with the present, with which it dovetails +discordant principles, with which it brings into brotherhood elements +the most repulsive, facts the most antagonistical, men the most variant, +and contingencies the most impossible; which converts every man +into a Janus, every highway into a labyrinth, every beacon into a +lighthouse--giving to falsehood the value of truth, to shadow the +usefulness of substance, and to concealment the estimation of candor. +Truly is it the great discovery of modern times! My reader, I trust, +will not, now that I have opened his understanding to the perception of +this sublime spell-working philosophy, allow himself henceforth to +question the laudable sentiment of approbation with which I have +developed the practical operation of this theory in the history of +Quodlibet. + +There was another matter worthy of remark in the events of the year, +which I must cursorily notice before I proceed to the era with which I +propose presently to occupy my readers. The Presidential election was +now in view, and received that grave consideration from the members of +Congress which they are in the habit of giving to everything in +Washington except the trifling business of making laws. Our diligent and +watchful representative, some time before the close of the short +session, wrote to our club a letter full of important advice for our +guidance in the affairs of the approaching canvass for the Presidency. + +Among other valuable disclosures, "the Whigs," said he, "are to hold a +Convention at Harrisburg. Harry Clay, or, as they term him, Harry of the +West, is to be their man;--at least, so we suspect. Whoever he be, we +have made up our minds as to our course--_he is to be run down in the +South as an Abolitionist_. Abolition is the best hobby we have had since +the death of the Monster. We have already broken ground; and if Kendall +and Blair can't prove Clay or anybody else to be an abolitionist, the +deuce is in it: their right hand will have forgotten its cunning. The +Globe is full of the matter already. Tell Eliphalet Fox to begin at once +and bark in the same key:--all the little dogs are expected to yelp +after the old hound--or, as Pickens calls him, the Galvanized Corpse: +many of them are at it lustily now. In 1836, Van's principles were +luckily Northern;--so we have resolved to let them have full swing +beyond the Potomac, and to put him in masquerade for the South. We rely +implicitly on the stolidity of Pennsylvania; and shall secure New York +by a concession to her banks, which for the time we mean to treat +amiably. Our chief aim is the South. Van, being thoroughly imbued with +the New-Light Quodlibetarian Democracy, has consented, for the benefit +of our cause south of Potomac, to be dubbed 'The Northern man with +Southern principles'--remember that, and tell Fox to ring the changes on +it in every paper. We have hired a New Hampshire man to play clown +to Van; and he somersets when his master does. This has a most +striking effect. We call him the mannikin of the North with Southern +principles--Van's mignonette. Our contract required him to bring in the +anti-abolition resolutions touching the petitions; and although he could +not venture against _the reception_, he has bolted down all the rest, +_totidem verbis et syllabis_, as we wrote them for him;--_the reception_ +we struck out to accommodate the Democratic abolitionism of his +district. The effect of this coup d'etat was magical; and having gagged +Wise and the rest of the Whigs with the Previous Question, we have left +them in a state of unnatural retention which threatens to prove fatal. +It is universally considered here a most lucky hit--Van and the +Mannikin; and we shall, with these performers, play 'The Northern man +with Southern Principles,' to crowded houses. Keep it going!--and don't +forget, Clay is an Abolitionist. If the Harrisburg convention nominates +anybody else--the same paragraphs will suit _him_;--Mutato nomine de te +fabula narretur. Get the Secretary to translate that. Be discreet, and +show this letter only to the faithful." + +It may readily be imagined that our club was thrown into ecstacy by this +confidential missive. Being the custodiary of the letter, I have +ventured, without the permission of the club, to incorporate it in these +annals; taking upon myself the risk of their displeasure rather +than withhold so fine a specimen of the New-Light Quodlibetarian +Democracy;--and indeed I can see no reason why the world shouldn't have +it. We have no secrets among the New Lights. + +I proceed now to the Fourth Era in these annals. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + FOURTH ERA--THE HON. MIDDLETON FLAM RE-ELECTED--THE NEW LIGHTS + DETERMINE TO STIGMATIZE THE WHIGS AS FEDERALISTS--MR. FLAM'S + INSTRUCTIONS IN REGARD TO THE PRESIDENTIAL CANVASS--NOMINATION + OF HARRISON AND TYLER--COURSE OF THE NEW LIGHTS--FORMATION + OF THE GRAND CENTRAL COMMITTEE OF UNFLINCHING NEW-LIGHT + QUODLIBETARIAN DEMOCRATS--ITS PRESIDENT, SECRETARY, AND + PLACE OF MEETING. + + +In the autumn of 1839, the Hon. Middleton Flam was again our candidate +for Congress. He was opposed by the celebrated John Smith, of Thorough +Blue. This contest was marked by one conspicuous feature: we had +completely succeeded in appropriating to our party the name of +Democrats--at least we had labored very hard to do so;--our next move +was to get up the old hue and cry of Federalism against the Whigs. This +required great boldness; but Middleton Flam entered upon the endeavor +with the intrepidity of a hero. Eliphalet Fox walked in his footsteps, +and from all quarters, simultaneously, and by a well-managed concert, +the cry of Federalist was poured forth upon our opponents; and +Henry Clay especially--as we counted on him for the Presidential +candidate--was proved to be tainted with Federalism beyond all hope of +bleaching it out. + +We had now two great points settled with reference to the canvass for +the Presidency: the Whig candidate was to be brought into disgrace, +first, as an Abolitionist, and, secondly, as a Federalist. Mr. Flam gave +our club every assurance that these two charges combined would destroy +the purest man that ever lived; and that it was only necessary to drive +these spikes with a sledgehammer every day, and the Democracy in the end +could not fail to believe in the existence and in the enormity of these +offenses, no matter who should be brought out by the Whigs--whether +Scott, Clay, Harrison, or Webster. + +But we had pretty conclusively made up our minds that Clay was to be the +man; and our club in consequence immediately set about procuring the +materials for a biography of that statesman, designed to demonstrate +that he had all his life been a Hartford Conventionist in sentiment, and +an unsparing enemy of Southern institutions. This task was consigned to +Eliphalet Fox, who very soon amassed a wonderful amount of matter +exactly to our purpose. In this, Eliphalet gave evidence of his usual +skill; and his facts were so contrived that they might be used with +equal success against either of the four above named, or indeed any one +else who might be brought forward: but as Eliphalet had a particular +hatred for Mr. Clay, and was more accustomed to defame him than any +other great man in the nation, the compilation was imbued with a spirit +that would have been much more effective in breaking down Mr. Clay's +reputation than that of either of the others. + +Great was the sensation produced in Quodlibet, great was our +mortification, and great our surprise upon receiving the news in +December from Harrisburg. The convention actually passed by Mr. Clay, +passed by the great claims of Scott and Webster, and brought out +General William Henry Harrison, together with John Tyler for the +Vice-Presidency;--thus, by a perversity which, on all important +occasions, distinguishes the Whigs, putting the two old horses of 1836 +upon the course. + +Mr. Flam was now at Washington. Our club met and immediately opened +a correspondence with him for advice. "Keep your eye on the Globe," +was his first admonition. His second was, "Open upon Harrison +your Abolition batteries;--swear that the nomination was procured +by Garrison;--charge Tyler with being a slaveholder, and send that +off to New Hampshire;--prove that Harrison was a stark Federalist +by accepting an ensigncy from the hands of Washington;--but, above +all, turn him into derision for his poverty and plain habits." + +It was wonderful to see the zeal with which Quodlibet set about the +task assigned to it by its distinguished counselor. Eliphalet Fox, with +a degree of magnanimity uncommon in an editor, took the field in behalf +of Mr. Clay. "That persecuted patriot," said he, "who deserved more of +his party than any man in the nation, has been treated with absolute +contempt. It was due to his great claims to offer him the Presidency; +but the spirit of abolition swayed this factious convention, and Mr. +Clay was rejected solely on account of his well-known and deep-rooted +attachment to the slave-holding interests of the South. As to General +Harrison," the same article continued, "his humble station as the clerk +of a county court, his insignificance and poverty, will leave the +Democrats but little to overcome. Well has an enlightened and patriotic +contemporary press, a distinguished pillar of the New Lights, remarked, +in reference to the habits of General Harrison's life and the lowness of +his associations, that two thousand dollars a year, a LOG CABIN, and a +barrel of HARD CIDER would induce him to resign all claims to the honors +his inconsiderate friends have proffered him." + +The same paper propounded a series of interrogatories skillfully +addressed to John Tyler, inquiring of him--what number of slaves he +employed on his plantation, what was the ratio of their increase in each +year, and how many he had disposed of at various intervals to Southern +traders:--which interrogatories were admirably drawn up in language so +equivocal in its import as to infer, what it did not directly assert, an +extensive traffic in a commodity which could not but excite great +indignation against him among the large mass of voters of all sides in +the North. + +How beautiful are these evidences of the operation of our New-Light +philosophy! What a master in this science is the unrivaled Eliphalet +Fox! + +It was soon discovered that our club had fallen into a slight mistake +touching the Log Cabin and Hard Cider, and the charge of poverty brought +against General Harrison. The audacious Whigs had even the effrontery to +adopt the LOG CABIN and HARD CIDER as the emblem of their party, and to +ask the aid of those whom we had inconsiderately derided for living in +those humble cabins and using this cheap luxury of cider, to make war +against our New-Light Democracy. The Log Cabin instantly became the +representative of a sentiment and a word of power; and, in a perfect +tornado of enthusiasm, was raised in every village, hamlet, and meeting +ground in the land. + +Truly did this sudden upraising of the emblem strike dismay into our +ranks! Quid consilii capiemus? was our universal question in Quodlibet. +What should we do? Recourse was had to Mr. Flam. "Drop," said that +ready-witted man in reply, "the charge of poverty against Harrison: say +he is rolling in wealth. Bring out your Federalism against him with new +vigor. Call the Log Cabin banner senseless mummery--and declare your +disgust against it, as lowering the tone of public sentiment and morals. +If that doesn't do, get some New-Light Democratic preacher to say that +Hard Cider produces more intoxication than all the liquors the Democrats +ever drank: let him rail against Whig meetings as Hard Cider +orgies--remember the word;--and if we can only identify the New-Light +Democracy with Temperance, its twin sister, we shall produce an +unheard-of effect. Meantime, ply the Abolition battery with all possible +diligence--and vamp up anew that old charge of hiring out criminals to +service; but be careful to make no mistake--describe it as 'selling poor +white men into slavery for debt.' To prove that Harrison is _against_ +slavery and at the same time _in favor_ of it, will be a most happy +stroke of our New-Light Quodlibetarian philosophy. Don't fail to do this +with all possible industry. Tell Eliphalet Fox that the endeavor is +worthy of his genius, and if he ever expects to become a great man, now +is the opportunity presented to him." + +These counsels gave us great encouragement, and we set ourselves to work +in earnest. The New-Light Club was confined in its operations to the +Borough of Quodlibet. Our whole Congressional district, including +Thorough Blue, Tumbledown, and Bickerbray, required the supervision of a +body which might be organized to regulate the affairs of the canvass +within that limit. This gave rise to the Central Committee. A convention +was called to meet in Quodlibet, where every portion of the district +should be represented. That convention resulted in the appointment of a +Committee of Twelve of the staunchest and most active of the New Lights. +It was called "The Grand Central Committee of Unflinching New-Light +Quodlibetarian Democrats." The name was sonorous, euphonious, and, in a +certain sense, magnificent--but being too long for ordinary use, we +reduced it for working purposes to "The Great New-Light Democratic +Central Committee of Quodlibet." Eliphalet Fox was made President; and +the humble author of these chronicles, in consideration of his fidelity +in the discharge of his duty to the New-Light Club, was chosen to be +Secretary also of the committee--an honor which, with due reverence and +thankfulness, he hath assumed. + +From the date of its organization, the committee, a majority whereof +are inhabitants of Quodlibet, meet once a week with most commendable +punctuality, and, as we have reason to believe, with signal usefulness +to the glorious cause in which we have embarked. Zachary Younghusband, +who is a member, gratuitously and generously, out of his mere zeal in +the cause, proffered the use of his room up stairs above the tin-plate +workshop, for our sessions--an offer which we were reluctantly obliged +to decline, after one trial, on account of the noise created by the +workmen below. I mention this praiseworthy offer as due to Zachary, in +favor of whom the committee passed a vote of thanks. We found a more +quiet place of meeting in the back room of the cabinet store of Isaiah +Crape, the Undertaker, for which we agreed to pay fifty cents a week and +find our own lights. In this secluded spot much is done to shape and +direct the destinies of this Great Republic. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + PROCEEDINGS OF THE GRAND CENTRAL COMMITTEE--VINDICATION OF THE + SEVERITY PRACTICED AGAINST GENERAL HARRISON--TACTICS OF THE NEW + LIGHTS--ABOLITIONISM--SELLING WHITE MEN FOR DEBT--HARRISON + A COWARD--CONSIDERATIONS WHICH LED TO THE NAMING OF THE + OPPOSITION BRITISH WHIGS--STRATAGEM AGAINST HARRISON, AND + THE CLAMOR AGAINST HIM FOR NOT ANSWERING--HOPE OF THE NEW + LIGHTS CONFIRMED BY THE CONNECTICUT, RHODE ISLAND, AND VIRGINIA + ELECTIONS--BALTIMORE CONVENTION A FAILURE--IMPORTANT LETTER + FROM MR. FLAM--AMOS KENDALL'S PURPOSE TO RESIGN--EXCITEMENT + OF COMPOSITION PRESCRIBED BY HIS PHYSICIAN--CENTRAL COMMITTEE + SANCTION THE COMPILATION OF THESE ANNALS. + + +The Grand Central Committee having been thus happily organized, devoted +itself with exemplary diligence to the important concerns of the +Presidential election, which, from this time forth, became the +engrossing subject of all men's thoughts. A volume would not suffice to +develop the multifarious labors of the committee. I could not in less +space recount the resolutions, with long argumentative preambles, +linking by means of Whereases, like rings, whole newspaper loads of +facts, invented for the purpose;--the addresses, the speeches copied +from the Globe, and extracts from private letters--to say nothing of the +paragraphs, the sole offspring of editorial brains, and all the other +machinery employed by the committee to defame, traduce, and vilify +General Harrison, for the unpardonable sin of being thought by the Whigs +a fit man to preside over this vast Republic. It was our duty to render, +if possible, his very name offensive in the nostrils of the people. In +this endeavor it may easily be imagined that we found abundance to do in +rummaging up old scraps of history, the falsification of public records, +the oblique interpretation of equivocal laws, and in practicing all the +other customary arts of warfare known to the New-Light tactics. + +Admirable is that wisdom of the New Democracy which has provided such an +ordeal of punishment for the man who, in opposition to their wishes, +dares to make claim to the favor of the people. What better chastisement +can be inflicted upon such rash aspirant, than this preliminary gauntlet +which it is ordained for him to run before he can be made sensible of +the insolence of his pretensions? Thrice tormented is it his lot to be, +in the fiery furnace of hatred, malice, and all uncharitableness, before +he shall see the end of his vain probation. As certain tribes of Indians +have a custom of torturing, to the verge of stoutest human endurance, +the candidate for the honor of being accounted a Brave; so in imitation +of this commendable usage did we determine, in no less degree, to +torture the man whom the hardihood of the Whigs had placed before the +nation for the like empty and unavailing honor. + +It did truly seem to the New Lights no small insolence of those men who +call themselves Whigs, to propose any individual for the Presidency, +while the people were already favored with a chief whose whole life was +lustrous with the radiance of the Quodlibetarian Democracy. The very +idea of a New Light presupposes an innate, inherent, and intuitive +fitness to fill any station of any kind or degree whatever; and here was +one distinguished as the very fountain of New-Light principles already +at the head of the nation, dispensing the favors and wielding the power +of his great office to the supreme content of all Quodlibetarians--the +only persons in this Republic whose interests deserve to be held of any +account in the concerns of government. Nothing but the rankest faction +could originate an opposition to his beneficent administration. Acting +upon this conviction, the Central Committee certainly did not spare +General Harrison. + +It was, however, soon perceived that the General was a little stronger +with the people than we supposed him to be; and sundry were the changes +to which we were consequently obliged to resort in our mode of attack. +The _abolitionism_ we never lost sight of: the _selling of white men +into slavery for debt_ was also a steady topic; and some of the more +ingenious of the committee fell upon the device of proving the old +General _a coward_: but our great effort was to convert him and all his +friends into old Blue-Light _Federalists_. This was always considered +our master-stroke; and I may appeal to all the New-Light papers of this +day for evidence, that in that department of our labors we plied our +task with an industry that has never been surpassed. The Jersey +election, also, we turned to great account in Congress, and certainly +blew our trumpet on that question both loud and long. It was a noble +illustration of our zeal for State Rights, which all the world knows is +one of the favorite articles in our present faith. With an eye to this +same question of State Rights, we succeeded in getting up a tolerable +good commotion in Congress on the subject of State debts; holding it our +duty, as friends of the sovereignty of the States, to do all in our +power to break down their credit, and to warn the world against placing +any confidence in their pledges--although, upon this subject, I am bound +to confess that our success has not answered our expectations. + +There was one movement upon which our committee placed great reliance. +Mr. Van Buren, and indeed the whole New-Light Democracy, had so often +changed their course upon public measures, as I have already shown, that +the nation had been by degrees brought into a belief that every public +man was, of necessity, and from the very nature of his organization, +bound to certify, at least once a year, the state of his principles and +the character of his opinions on all questions of policy whatever. Now +Mr. Van Buren, in 1836, came to the Presidency upon a very summary, and +to himself, very comfortable profession of faith. All that he professed +at that time was to follow in the footsteps--which said footsteps had +scope and variation enough to allow him to take any path he thought +proper. General Harrison, in that contest of 1836, did not enjoy this +advantage, but was compelled to be somewhat specific in the indication +of the grounds upon which his election claimed to be based. He had, +consequently, not only been very full in this exposition, but had +likewise referred his interrogators to a vast amount of written and +printed opinions, which on divers occasions, in the course of his public +career, he had found reason to express. + +In the present canvass it was determined by our committee, and in fact +by our New-Light friends in general, that he should reiterate afresh +everything he had ever said or written on public matters, and that we +should, by no means, be content with mere references to past +declarations. Indeed, it seemed to our New-Light Democracy that, +inasmuch as _our_ President kept no opinions more than three years old, +at the outside, it was impossible that General Harrison could be so +antiquated as to stick to his for a longer term. Confiding in this +impression, plans were laid by the New Lights to write letters to the +General in the guise of friends, and in case he should refer the +querists to his former expositions, without full and ample repetition of +all he had said before, to bring a whirlwind of indignant reproof about +his ears as a man who was afraid to trust the public with his +sentiments. This stratagem succeeded beyond the most sanguine +expectation of the New Lights. The General was caught in the trap; and +such a clamor as was raised has never before been known in any part of +the world. + +"He won't answer questions!" exclaimed the Globe. "Gracious Heaven! what +an insult to the intelligence of a nation of vigilant, truth-seeking, +anxiously-inquiring freemen! A silent candidate! What contumely to the +people! What contempt of the fundamental principles of free government!" + +"Gracious Heaven! what contempt of the people!" re-echoed the Quodlibet +Whole Team. + +"Gracious Heaven! what contumely!" shouted the Bickerbray Scrutinizer. + +"Gracious Heaven!" etc. etc., ejaculated two thousand patriotic, +disciplined, footstep-following papers of all dimensions, from six by +twelve to three feet square, from one end of the Union to the other. +Never was there such a Gracious Heavening carried on in this country! + +In the midst of all this successively came on the Connecticut, Rhode +Island, and Virginia elections. The results everybody knows. Although +ostensibly and to outward appearance against us, we saw in them what our +infatuated opponents could not see, the certain token of our success. It +was evident to us, from the returns of these elections, that a great +reaction must occur; and Mr. Doubleday now very sagely remarked, "that +there was no longer room to doubt that we should beat the Whigs in the +fall." But the Whigs, instead of desponding at these events, began to +take heart, and straightway set about getting up a Convention in +Baltimore. Well, that convention was held on the Fourth of May. I was +present, and I pronounce it to have been a _thorough failure_. The Whigs +have represented that at least twenty thousand persons were assembled on +that occasion. According to the accurate system of computation adopted +by the New Lights, and which is infallible in regard to the numbers +attending Whig meetings, the whole assemblage, including boys and +blacks, did not quite reach two thousand, and of those a large number +were New Lights. + +Still it is due to truth that I should say there were some timid men in +our committee who were not altogether satisfied with the appearances of +the day. We found it difficult to make them comprehend how the late +elections had operated in our favor. Yet it is a fact that we never were +thoroughly convinced of the _certainty_ of our success until we saw the +returns in these elections. Connecticut and Rhode Island we had before +considered doubtful: we now had no doubt. And as to Virginia, we +became at once fully persuaded that our success there was actually +"brilliant:"--such is the beautiful operation of the New-Light +philosophy in bringing consolation to its votaries under apparent +disaster, and suggesting encouragement where others would despond. + +Yet it must not be concealed that these incidents produced some slight +sensation in our committee. Mr. Flam wrote from Washington a letter of +grave reflection. "Although," said he, "our success in Virginia has +transcended our expectations, yet we are not quite certain that our +_abolition_ battery has been altogether _very effective_. Indeed, it is +questioned here whether it would not be as well to abandon it, and even +point the guns in the opposite direction. _Martin has room enough yet to +turn_--and, as it is rather manifest that Virginia considers our charge +of abolitionism against Harrison a _humbug_, and as the whole South will +probably fall into the same opinion, (in which, in my judgment, they +would not be very far wrong,) the propriety of taking the opposite +ground is well worthy of consideration. _Van's affinities are with the +North_; so that if it can be made clearly to appear to be his interest +to take this backward leap, his _Southern principles_ are not yet more +than cobwebs in his way. _We must think of this._ In the mean time, it +is the desire of the President and his managing friends here that you +not only continue to brand the opposition as _Federalists_, but call +them BRITISH WHIGS. This is rendered necessary by the fact that the +opposition have just discovered that Van Buren voted against Madison and +the War, and supported Clinton and the Peace party. By anticipating the +ground and charging the Whigs as under British influence, we shall take +off the edge of this assault, and avoid the effect of another +reminiscence against the President--I mean his instructions to M'Lane, +on the West India Question, which the Whigs impute to him as a truckling +to Great Britain. Besides this, you know, Martin has been very assiduous +of late in courting the good opinion of Victoria--so, by all means, +drive at THE BRITISH WHIGS! Keep your eye upon Amos Kendall, who has +consented to act as fugleman. His health is so much shattered by the +diseases of the Post-office, that he is compelled to retire; and as his +physician prescribes 'the excitement of composition' as his only cure, +he is about to devote himself to the Extra Globe, in which sheet he will +be able to indulge his imagination in the creation of those chaste and +prurient fancies for which he has been remarkable from a child. The pure +and simple inventions of that paper are ass's milk to his wasted +constitution." + +Thus admonished, our Central Committee proceeded in their labors with +the most spirited activity; and it was not long before the whole Union +was ringing with our charge against the British Whigs. + +It was at this juncture that I suggested to the committee the +propriety of making this compilation of the Annals of Quodlibet. I +explained to them how important it was that the world should be made +acquainted with the history and character of that New-Light philosophy +which had worked such wonders in our Borough. It was very obvious that +even our friends were not fully aware of the height and the depth of +this sublime theory, nor of its extreme efficacy in the administration +of the government. It had taken the world by surprise, and had grown up, +in a few years, into a system which no naturalist had yet defined; and +had assumed an importance in the affairs of this country which few +persons were able fully to appreciate. Impressed with this conviction, I +disclosed to the committee the purpose which, for some time past, I had +secretly cherished, of collating from my manuscripts all such +particulars in the history of Quodlibet as might serve to elucidate this +subject. The committee knew that my materials were ample; and they had +more than once been pleased to express their admiration of those poor +talents which I had oftentimes exhibited in the effusions of my humble +pen. The subject was now brought up to the notice of the committee on +the motion of my friend, Mr. Younghusband, in a resolution too laudatory +for my modesty to insert in this book. Readily and cheerfully did the +committee condescend to assign this task to my endeavors;--confiding the +matter and the manner thereof to my sole discretion, with the single +injunction that I should abstain from all such incidents of mere +personal or private concernment, as might by captious or invidious +critics be designated as savoring of romance. Faithfully, as in my +judgment, I could, have I obeyed this injunction; and with the frankness +and veracity of one who chronicles for posterity rather than the present +times, have I set forth all such matters of fact and comments of opinion +as shall guide my readers to a true knowledge of the doctrine of the +New-Light Quodlibetarian philosophy. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + DESERVED COMPLIMENT ON MR. VAN BUREN'S EXPLOIT OF THE FLORIDA + WAR--THE AFFAIR OF THE TRUE GRITS AND SERGEANT TRAP--TRUE + GRITS SUFFER A DEFEAT--FLAN SUCKER'S OPINION UPON THE + SUBJECT--HIS ACCOUNT OF AN ACTION AT LAW BETWEEN JOE SNARE + AND IKE SWINGLETREE. + + +Just at this period the True Grits once more began to give themselves +airs of importance in Quodlibet. The Tigertail affair had stunned them, +as a blow sometimes torpifies a snake; and like that same snake, which +after a long period of consequent inactivity wakes up in the possession +of new powers of mischief, so woke up the True Grits. + +The Florida war, which has been raging on the part of the Indians, and +simmering on our part, for nearly five years past, is undoubtedly the +greatest of all Mr. Van Buren's exploits, and that which will be longest +remembered in the history of this energetic President by posterity. It +has developed the genius of our New-Light Democratic administration in +stronger colors, and speaks more conclusively in favor of the +perseverance and resource of our Great Chief, than any other of the +numerous brilliant acts whereby he has illustrated the principles of +that unterrified and unflinching Democracy, to whom fortune and General +Jackson in partnership, have intrusted the destinies of this Republic. +That war was not only the most righteous and unavoidable in its origin, +but it has also been the most chivalrous in its character, the most +economical in its management, and is likely to be the most productive in +its results--if it should ever please Bill Jumper, or Sam Jones, or +Micanopy, or their heirs and representatives, to allow it to come to a +conclusion--that has ever been waged between two great nations; and will +unquestionably cover our Commander-in-chief of the army and navy of the +United States with as thick a coat of glory as it has already covered +the bravest and keenest-nosed of our bloodhounds with a coat of +mud:--and that is, perhaps, about as thick a covering as a hero of the +President's mould might be supposed able to stagger under, in that long +journey of fame by which he is to march down to after-times. + +Among other vigorous measures taken in the prosecution of this +stupendous war, was one that produced no small sensation in Quodlibet. A +tall, raw-boned, slender, and very straight figure of a man, of a +singularly red head and remarkably freckled face--the said figure being +decked in a suit of army regimentals highly bedizened with worsted lace +and cord, begirt with a huge saber, and wearing a plume three feet +long--made its appearance recently in the Borough. This personage +rejoiced in the name and title of Sergeant Trap. He was accompanied by a +drummer four feet six inches high, of a remarkably fierce military +aspect; and by a fifer six feet four, quite as remarkable for the +length of his arms and legs, and the shortness of his sleeves and +pantaloons--both inferring, from their general effect upon his exterior, +a rustical and imbellicose mode of life which reluctantly accommodated +itself to the military requisitions of his station. + +The Sergeant and drummer were strangers to our folks; but the fifer was +no other than Charley Moggs, long known as the boss loafer of +Bickerbray, and who was famed for a _single_ accomplishment--the +perfection with which he executed, upon an octave flute, that difficult +but favorite piece of music which goes by the name of "Sugar in a +Gourd;" which accomplishment was the foundation of his present +astonishing promotion under Sergeant Trap, who had come to Quodlibet, in +pursuance of orders from Mr. Poinsett, to pick up as many spare heroes +for the Florida war, as might be found in our environs, willing to dog +the Indians in company with our gallant blood-hound allies lately +arrived from Cuba. + +The Sergeant took a small frame house next door to Sim Travers's +Refectory--or rather, as Sim called it, his Drinkery. Here he hung out +the stars and stripes, by a pole which was secured in the second story +window, and from which the flag vibrated in graceful undulations, almost +sweeping the street when the wind lulled, and filling the hearts of Sim +Travers's customers with emotions of martial glory. + +Now, Sergeant Trap had not the good fortune to be a New Light; but, +on the contrary, had the misfortune to be perfectly neutral in +politics--and, coupled with that, the additional misfortune to be +sometimes in want of money. In the course of some two or three weeks +residence in the Borough, he had contracted a sort of intimacy with +Peter Ounce, the landlord of The Boatman's Hotel at the upper end, and +on the opposite side of the Basin. This intimacy mainly grew out of the +circumstance that Ounce's hotel furnished very pleasant quarters to the +Sergeant, and had also contributed some five or six recruits to his +standard. Peter Ounce, although a Whig, is a kind-hearted, sociable man, +and disposed to make friendships with those about him; and the Sergeant +having run up a score at the bar, fell into the relation of a debtor to +Peter, which it was not always convenient for him, at a moment, +to obliterate. Besides this, Sergeant Trap had, once or twice, +borrowed small sums from the landlord, and received from him sundry +manifestations of good-will, which laid him, in a certain sense, under +obligations to Peter. The result of it all was, that the Sergeant took a +great liking to his landlord--and, following the suggestions of that +feeling, rather encouraged his men, when they had a little money to +spend in slaking their thirst, to throw it in the way of Ounce. + +This state of things existed for some time before it was brought into +public observation. Ounce's liquors were good and cheap, the company +about his hotel was jovial, and Peter himself obliging--in consequence +of all which Sergeant Trap's men went as often to the Boatman's Hotel as +they did to Sim Travers's Drinkery, which was next door to the +rendezvous. Sim Travers, who always kept a sharp eye to his business, +was the first to notice the visits of Trap's men to his rival's bar, and +for some time he bore it with a sulky and uneasy silence. After awhile, +sundry inarticulate murmurs escaped him denoting vexation; and at length +he openly began to shake his head and talk about _the duty_ of soldiers +and officers _in the employ_ of the Government. "_We_ work for the +Government," said he, "and the Government ought to work for _us_. If +public money _is_ to be laid out, them that goes through fire and water +has the best claim. These Whigs are ready enough to touch the cash when +there's profit to be got; while them that sticks by Government in all +their eternal choppings and changings is to be lookers-on. To the +Wieters belongs the Spiles; if that ain't a motter, what's the use of +having it? Go it full, or give it up--that's what I say." + +Sim continued to repeat these sentiments for some time, without seeing +things alter for the better. Peter Ounce still continued to divide the +profits of the rendezvous with him. At last Sim became violent. "I'll +make it a committee matter," said be. Thereupon he went immediately to +Eliphalet Fox, and opened to him his whole burden of grievances. "I'll +fix it," replied Fox, very much in the tone of a man of business; and +Sim went home in excellent spirits. + +The next Whole Hog had a paragraph touching this subject. "If," said +that paper, "there be one principle which has been more sacredly +established than any other by that great revolution through which we +have just conducted the nation, in redeeming it from the oppressions of +Monopolists and Privileged orders, it is the deep and fundamental truth +that, To those who have won the victory belong its fruits. The Democracy +have an unalienable and indefeasible right to all emoluments, issues, +and profits accruing from the expenditures of the public money. And, +moreover, if there be any class of persons who emphatically _belong_ to +the Government, it is the men who are enlisted for the Florida war. Few +of them are destined ever to return again to the character of citizens: +their _lives_ are undoubtedly the property of the administration, as +every man must see who reflects upon the history of that war. And if +their _lives_ are thus devoted to the cause of the administration, much +more, may it be said, are their _little gains_ to be employed in the +same cause. Notwithstanding this self-evident truth, we know of men now +in this Borough, wearing the livery of the Government, who do not +scruple to enrich the coffers of the British Whigs with the money +lavished upon them by the bounty of the Government, and which has been +wrung from the sweat of the poor man's brow. We trust we shall be +understood, without being more explicit. If this abuse continue after +this hint, we shall act in a more efficient form:--a word to the wise." + +Notwithstanding this very significant paragraph, and the fact that the +paper containing it was sent to the rendezvous, and even addressed to +Sergeant Trap by name, the practice complained of was in no degree +corrected. On the contrary, as if from sheer perverseness and contumacy, +the evil, if anything, was rather increased. Eliphalet Fox waited a few +days to see how his paragraph worked. Sim Travers came to him with a +face now much more in anger than in grief. "It doesn't work at all," +said Eliphalet, adverting to his paragraph, and anticipating Sim's +complaint. "Never mind, my friend," continued he, "this is _my_ quarrel. +Go home: leave all to me!" + +Sim went home, confident that he should have ample redress. "If I don't +get it," said he, as he walked toward the Drinkery, ruminating over his +wrongs, "blow me if I don't quit the party. I'm not one of them fools to +go thorough-stitch, and get nothing for it--blow me!" + +"I'll see justice done to Sim Travers," said Eliphalet Fox, with an +atrabilious look, when he was left alone, "or die in the attempt--blast +me!" + +After this blowing and blasting, Sim went about the Borough telling +every man of the persecution he was suffering from the Whigs; and +Eliphalet Fox went about to get up the old Tigertail Convention and +bring the matter before them. + +The next evening the convention met, and a Secret Committee was raised +with instructions to write a _lettre de cachet_ to the President, +explaining the flagitious conduct of Sergeant Trap, and demanding his +immediate dismissal from the army. This letter was written by Eliphalet +Fox, and was signed by him and William Goodlack, besides Sim Travers and +Thomas Crop the constable, which two latter made their mark--these four +being the Secret Committee. The letter was duly dispatched to Washington +to be presented by the Hon. Middleton Flam, who was _required_ by the +committee to render this service, from a suspicion that at bottom he was +not very favorable to the True Grits. "Catch a weasel asleep!" said our +worthy representative when this letter reached him. "Gentlemen, I'll do +your bidding, by all means." And so, being wide awake, and fully +determined to give the True Grits no cause of complaint against him, he +went straight with the _lettre de cachet_ to the President. In a few +days the committee received a letter from Mr. Flam, informing them he +had done everything they had demanded: that the President had read their +confidential communication, and without hesitation replied, that if +Sergeant Trap had been a _civil_ officer, he would have dismissed him +without further inquiry, in deference to the respectability of the +committee;--but that, as Sergeant Trap belonged to the _army_, he found +himself reluctantly compelled to proceed in a more formal manner, and +that consequently he should direct a Military Court of Inquiry to take +cognizance of the case: that this Court would sit in Quodlibet where the +prosecutors were requested to be ready to prove the enormities alleged +against Sergeant Trap. + +"A Court of Inquiry!" exclaimed Fox, with great emotion. "Is the thing +to be made public? We are deceived, betrayed:--I know by whom," he +added, significantly nodding his head. + +"A Court of Inquiry!--proofs, and all riglar--upon oath?" exclaimed Sim +Travers. + +"I'm blest if I go before any court!" said Tom Crop. + +"By blazes, I won't!" said Billy Goodlack. "There's _something_ in this +here thing--else why don't the President go smack forward on the +letter?" + +"I'm no prosecutor," said Eliphalet Fox. + +"I'm not a persecutor, nother," said Tom Crop. "By blood! I scorn it." + +"I'm not going to put my hand on the book, upon it," said Sim Travers. +"If a man can't lodge a complaint without being hauled into court, the +party's broke: a fig for the money! who cares about it?" + +"That's my identical sentiment!" said Billy Goodlack. "By blazes, I'm +no prosecutioner!" + +The committee was certainly thrown into great consternation. The cause +of this is said to have been that in representing the case of Sergeant +Trap to the President by letter, upon which they expected an immediate +order dismissing the offender from service, they had charged him with a +long list of misdemeanors against the welfare of the Great New-Light +Democratic Party; which they knew, in the first place, had no sort of +foundation in fact, and therefore might be found extremely difficult of +proof; and the attempt to investigate which, in the second place, they +were aware might bring the True Grits into collision with each other in +a manner not very conducive to the harmony of the party. They were, +therefore, not a little thrown aback when they were apprised of the +President's determination to make the charges a subject of inquiry. + +We cannot sufficiently commend Mr. Van Buren's caution in this matter, +and the sound New-Light Democratic view he took of the subject. Here was +a grave charge preferred against one of his own servants, imputing to +him a disposition to deal with Whigs--nay, an _actual_ dealing with +them, when there was a New Light to be found in the same town capable of +furnishing the same commodity. Doubtless, upon this nefarious +transaction being fully proved, Mr. Van Buren, like a genuine, +unadulterated Quod, as he is, would dismiss the offender from service, +or even inflict on him other punishment, if it fell in his way. But in +so serious a case he was determined not to be premature in his action: +he would not proceed--unless, indeed, the offender had been a civil +officer--upon such testimony as the confidential letter of a committee. +He takes the only just course--(in this I have reason to believe he was +fully seconded, perhaps even prompted, by our sagacious representative, +the Hon. Middleton Flam)--and that is a formal, solemn, judicial inquiry +into the conduct of Sergeant Trap, to ascertain whether he _really had_ +purchased liquors to the prejudice of the Great New-Light Quodlibetarian +Democratic Party. Truly have we reason, day by day, to rejoice in a +President of such magnanimity, such justice, such innate republicanism, +and withal such dignity! + +The Court of Inquiry met. It was composed of officers of high rank. +After a long and patient investigation, and the most accurate +ascertainment of the number of gills of rum, whisky, and brandy sold to +Trap's recruits by Sim Travers, and by Peter Ounce, and a careful +arithmetical computation of the value thereof in money; and, after a +laborious examination into Sim Travers's politics, as also into those of +Peter Ounce, the trial resulted in the conclusion that Sim Travers was +not so good a New Light as he professed to be, (this was founded on +evidence that Sim had said "he would leave the party if he couldn't get +his share of spiles,") and that Peter Ounce's politics were, in fact, +not known to Sergeant Trap at the time he dealt with him: whereupon Trap +was acquitted of each and every charge brought against him; although +Theodore Fog, the Counsel for the Secret Committee, took upon himself to +inform the Sergeant, somewhat authoritatively, that as he was now aware +of the dangerous tendency of Ounce's principles, the President would +expect him to close all accounts at the said Peter's bar, and to be more +circumspect the next time. + +It was generally admitted, and indeed was the common talk of the +Borough, that in this notable trial Eliphalet Fox dodged, that Billy +Goodlack dodged, that Sim Travers dodged, and that Tom Crop actually +skulked. And the general effect of the whole was to cut the combs of the +True Grits so thoroughly, that it is believed they will never rise +again. Flan Sucker made a jest of this, very much to the annoyance of +his friends--for Flan had taken a violent fancy to Sergeant Trap, and +even at one time, it was supposed, had an idea of enlisting. He used to +sit up with the Sergeant of nights and drink a good deal with him +through the day, and by this means very naturally became quite a crony. +He therefore exulted much more than a True Grit, it was conceived, +ought, at the Sergeant's triumphant acquittal. "Sargeant Trap," said he, +"Locumsgillied Liphlet Fox;" and as this expression requires an +explanation, he gave it, to this effect. + +"Joe Snare, the bailiff over here in Tumbledown, fotch a suit before +Squire Honeywell, agin Ike Swingletree for twenty-five dollars, on a +cart which Joe sold him. Joe drawed up a note of hand for Ike to sign, +which Ike did; and Ike never thought no more about it. Joe kept askin' +for his money, year after year, year after year, tell at last he got +tired, and so fotch the suit. Ike found out at the trial that the Squire +was goin' to give judgment agin him; so what does he do but sashrary the +case!--whereby the case was tuck up to the Court. Well, when they came +on to trial there, Ike had a lawyer who found out that the note of hand +was more than three years old, and there hadn't been no promise to pay +in the mean time. Thereupon the Court told Joe Snare, if he hadn't +nothing to say agin' it, they must give judgment for Ike on the Statute +of Lamentations. Is it that, your honor? said Snare--for Joe being +bailiff was pretty well up to law, and pled his own cause;--well, may it +please your honor, maybe the statue is agin me, but, your honor, I +drawed up the note of hand myself, and if you'll just be so kind to look +in the corner under the dog's-ear, you'll see two letters at the eend of +Ike Swingletree's name tantamount to L. S., which, as I understand, your +honor, goes for _Locumsgilly_--whereby it takes twelve years, if I'm not +mistaken, to kill the note of hand, bekase that's a bond. The judge +looked and looked, and then sot up a laugh; and Ike Swingletree began to +turn a little pale. Joe, says the judge, you're right, says he: that +alters the case, and you must have the judgment. Joe, says he, you have +beaten the lawyer and his client both--you're a clever fellow, and will +get your money. So Joe accordingly got the judgment, and came off +mightily pleased. And when he was tellin' me about the matter next day, +he burst out in a great haw-haw, and couldn't hardly talk for laughing: +Ike Swingletree, said he, sashraried _me_, but I reckon I Locumsgillied +_him_. + +"Well, that's just what Sergeant Trap has done to Liphlet +Fox--LOCUMSGILLIED him beautiful." + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + THESE CHRONICLES DRAW TO A CLOSE--THE NEW LIGHTS NOT + DISPLEASED WITH ELIPHALET FOX'S DISCOMFITURE--PASSAGE OF + THE INDEPENDENT TREASURY BILL, AND REJOICING THEREON IN + QUODLIBET--CHANGES--INTERESTING LETTER FROM THE DIBBLE + FAMILY--MR. FLAM RETURNS TO QUODLIBET--HIS VIEWS OF THE + CANVASS--THE PRESIDENT'S RELIANCE ON THE INTELLIGENCE OF + THE PEOPLE--IGNOMINY AND INSULT OF FEDERALISM--ELECTIONS IN + KENTUCKY, INDIANA, AND NORTH CAROLINA--ALABAMA, MISSOURI, + AND ILLINOIS--PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION--CONSTERNATION OF THE + QUODS--MEETING OF THE CLUB--QUARREL OF THEODORE FOG AND + HON. MIDDLETON FLAM--DEFECTION OF FOG AND SUNDRY TRUE + GRITS--SECOND SPLIT--GREAT UPROAR AND CONFUSION. + + +My patient and indulgent reader will doubtless agree with me that it is +time these gossiping chronicles were brought to a close. Indeed, I am so +near upon the heels of the day in which I write, and the printer so near +upon mine, that little remains to be said. I shall therefore dispatch +what remains of my memoranda with such speed as shall suit my reader's +longing for the end. + +Although the New Lights in general bore no ill-will against that +division or faction which has been distinguished in these pages by the +name of True Grits, yet I must say we were not wholly displeased at the +result of Serjeant Trap's trial. On the contrary, many of us chuckled in +secret thereat. Eliphalet Fox we have ever acknowledged to be a useful +man and a zealous--and we have not been backward to award him such meed +as he deserved. But it must be told that in Eliphalet there lurks a +scantling of ambition to climb higher on the ladder than our party is +yet willing to afford to one of his degree. And Eliphalet moreover is +suspected--Heaven forfend that I should do him wrong!--in regard to the +Hon. Middleton Flam our representative, and those who are not altogether +well disposed toward him, I mean Theodore Fog's adherents, (for it is +manifest Theodore is looking to a seat in Congress,) utrosque parietes +linere, as the Latin proverb has it, which in the vernacular signifies +to wear two faces--by no means an uncommon, though a very objectionable +sin in political affairs. This may be a groundless suspicion, as I would +fain hope it is; but it is believed by many, and therefore the more +reason was there for some secret rejoicing in Quodlibet at Eliphalet's +failure in the matter of Sim Travers. It unquestionably hath made our +editor of the Whole Hog more modest and seemly in his behavior of late. + +The course of the canvass has been growing every day more and more +intensely interesting to our New Lights; and, bating some few +aberrations into which we have fallen, daily gives us greater promise of +the consummation of all our wishes. The passage of the Independent +Treasury bill has brought us fresh occasion of rejoicing and confidence. +After a long, and, as Tom Crop says, a bloody struggle, lo! it is at +last the law of the land, and all our wishes are crowned. "It is," as +Mr. Flam has declared, "the unmingled, unaided, spontaneous result of +popular sagacity--springing not from executive dictation, nor the +influence of party discipline, but from the intuitive and instinctive +wisdom of millions of freemen ground to the dust by the tyrannical +pressure of associated wealth. It is the law of the land in spite of the +groans of merchants, the wailings of agriculturists, and the murmurs of +mechanics. It seals the fortune of our great chief, and proclaims the +immortal triumph of the New-Light Democracy." + +When the tidings of this joyful event reached us in Quodlibet, our first +care was to fire one hundred guns; the next was to illuminate the +Borough, and to bring out all our flags and lanterns; after this the New +Lights were called together in the Court-House, where addresses were +delivered by Agamemnon Flag and Theodore Fog--the latter of whom +actually outdid himself in an effort that would have exalted the fame of +Patrick Henry; and to close this jubilee, the Central Committee passed a +resolution declaring the bill the Second Declaration of Independence. +For this brilliant series of events we have to thank that sturdy +devotion to State Rights which shone with such conspicuous luster in the +annihilation of New Jersey by the New Lights, in the House of +Representatives. But for that glorious stroke of policy the bill would +again have been crushed by the serpent of opposition. Now that we have +gained it, British Federal Whiggery is forever prostrate. + +A fortnight after this event brought us the cheering tidings from +Louisiana, to which many an anxious eye had been turned. The elections +there have resulted in a splendid victory--a victory, indeed, not +indicated by the polls, where the majority was _seemingly_ increased +against us--but manifested in the spirit with which our people +everywhere received the tidings. Until this spirit became manifest, it +might be said our hopes were even wavering; but forthwith an unwonted +confidence in our success has spread abroad. The sagacious Mr. +Doubleday, whose face may be called the barometer of our party, and to +whom we all look for predictions of the future, now wears a countenance +wreathed in smiles, and tells us that, from what he knows of the +changeableness of that State, "we may make ourselves altogether certain +of the victory in the fall." + +In running over the events of the day, nothing is more deserving of our +animadversion than the ostentatious display, by the British Federal Tory +Whigs, of the _changes_ among the people against the New-Light +Democracy;--as if here and there the change of some recreant Democrat, +who is afraid to follow his leader and chooses to have opinions of his +own, could stay the mighty torrent of attachment to the fortunes of our +chief. We do not deny these changes; but rather rejoice that men, so +little worthy of being called true Quods, should leave our standard to +the tried soldiers who have marched behind it in all its vicissitudes, +and fought its battles through the whole field of political experiment. +By such only can our glorious cause be upheld. But we can recount +changes as well as they. + +I might select thousands from our newspapers; and I forbear to do so +only because I think it unworthy of the good sense of a Quod to parade +the names of converts to our party; thus assimilating, as it were, the +people to a flock of sheep, and expecting that more will follow because +many have gone before. + +There is, however, one case which I am sure I shall be excused for +bringing before my reader. It is that of the Dibble family of Wisconsin. +It was brought to the notice of our Central Committee by Zachary +Younghusband, who came into possession of the original manuscript +through a brother Postmaster, Mr. Straddle, who resides in the +neighborhood of the converted family, and who, in fact, was the +amanuensis used upon the occasion. Our committee thought this document +of sufficient importance to be copied into the Whole Hog; from whence it +is likely to be transferred into every New-Light Democratic paper of the +country. It certainly exhibits very conclusive as well as very abundant +reasons for change; and may be said to contain the best epitome of the +popular objections of the New Lights to the election of General Harrison +which has yet appeared in print. An aged and widowed father with five +sons--all heretofore steeped to the lips in the slough of British +Whiggery--have had the independence to rise, in the majesty of +freemen, and boldly assert the highest prerogative of an American +citizen--the right of thinking, speaking, and voting in such +manner as a patriotic, disinterested New-Light Postmaster, whose +opinions are above all suspicion, might direct them. The letter of +this never-sufficiently-to-be-admired family will speak for itself. I +have only to remark that, in transcribing it, I have taken the liberty +to correct, what indeed I must call, some glaring faults in the +orthography--which are to be attributed solely to Mr. Straddle, the +Postmaster, who reduced the instrument to writing, and who, by-the-by, +let me say, should be advised to give more of his attention to the +useful art of spelling--but in no other point altering word, syllable, +or letter. + +It it is somewhat fancifully headed + + "GO IT, YE CRIPPLES! + + "This is to give notice, that we who have put our sign-manuals to + the foot thereof, being till now snorting Whigs, having heard our + Postmaster, Clem Straddle, Esq., say that he knows General Harrison + sold five white men as slaves off his plantation, and _is_ for + abolition, and whipped four naked women on their bare backs, and + _is_ for imprisonment for debt, and moreover _is_ for making a + King, and goes for raising the expenses of the Government up to + fifteen millions, and _is_ a coward and wears petticoats, and _is_ + kept in a cage, and wants to reduce wages, and for that purpose is + a going to have a standing army of two hundred thousand men, which + our free and independent spirits won't bear, and wants to give the + public money, which comes from the sweat of our brows, and public + lands, to Sam Swartout and Price, and a gang of British Whigs, + which we consider against the Constitution, and moreover we don't + believe he won't answer, and has got no principles excepting them + what he used to have, and is against the Independent Treasury which + was signed Fourth of July, whereby it is the Declaration of + Independence; and the aforesaid Clem Straddle, Esq., which writeth + this for us and in our names, being against all office-holders + which the British Whigs is a striving after, and tells us to vote + for Van Buren, we being an affectionate father and five orphan + children without any mother, and never had any since infancy, make + known that in the next Presidential election in this Territory, if + we had a vote, and if not we shall vote in Missouri, we goes + against Tip. and Ty. and all that disgusting mummery of Log Cabins, + Hard Cider, Coonskins, Possums, and Gourds, in regard of their + lowering morals, and goes for Jackson, Hickory Poles, Whole Hogs, + and Van Buren, as witness our hands and seals. + + + his + MALACHI + DIBBLE, Parent. + mark. + + his + WASHINGTON + DIBBLE. + mark. + + his + JEFFERSON + DIBBLE. + mark. + + MADISON DIBBLE. + FAYETTE DIBBLE. + + his + SQUINTUS CURTIUS + DIBBLE. + mark. + + "_Note._--Washington and Jefferson is voters, Madison and Fayette + is at school, and signs for themselves, and Squintus Curtius is + rising nine." + +This letter, it will be admitted by all unprejudiced persons, bears the +most expressive testimony to the natural and unsophisticated character +of its authors; and furnishes us gratifying evidence that the great +Reform, which it has been the labor of our committee to promote, has +begun at the right end, and that the result must be the infallible and +universal triumph of New-Light Democracy over the whole Union. + +Upon the adjournment of Congress, late in July, the Hon. Middleton Flam +returned to Quodlibet, to infuse new energy into our indefatigable +committee. Through him we were apprised of many matters of deep interest +touching the progress of the Campaign, which was now growing amazingly +active. Being in the confidence of the President and Amos Kendall, he +could tell us divers things which were not intrusted to the party at +large; and let us into the secrets of the little and big wheels which +were at work in Washington and other places. + +These communications were generally of a character to increase the +already sufficient confidence of the party in the re-election of the +President, and still more, if possible, endear him to the multitudinous +friends who expected, in that event, to receive the long-sought and +well-earned rewards due to their personal devotion to his cause. Mr. +Flam had surveyed the whole field of contest, and had arrived at an +accuracy of information in regard to the vote of each State--and, +indeed, of almost every county in the Union--that, to the unstudied in +such matters, would appear to be miraculous--very little short of the +gift of prophecy. It is astonishing to see what proficiency an old and +practiced politician arrives at in predicting, months beforehand, the +precise majorities of the Democratic party over all other parties, in +every election, and especially in settling the result of a Presidential +election. Our sagacious member on this occasion assured us, greatly to +our exhilaration, that we should see, in the Western and Southern State +elections which were about to take place, a most triumphant vindication +of the administration, as well as a most conclusive evidence of the hold +which the President has gained upon the affections of the people. +"Indiana," he said, "is undoubtedly with us by an overwhelming majority; +Kentucky is redeemed, regenerated, and disenthralled, beyond a shadow of +doubt--(a favorite oratorical expression of his;) and North Carolina is +prepared to hurl the thunderbolts of her contemptuous scorn against +British Whiggery, with the red right hand of an offended Jove. Depend +upon what I tell you, gentlemen. I have carefully surveyed the field. I +am not accustomed to speak without knowledge. I am never mistaken." + +Assured and invigorated by these encouraging words, we accordingly wait +with cheerful trust in the coming event. + + * * * * * + +Some nervous New Lights affect to see signs of alarm in the unwonted +disquietude of the President. Rumors reach us that he does not sleep +well; that he writes many letters, slightly variant in sentiment, to +opposite sections of the Union; that he manifests symptoms of an +over-excited zeal to demonstrate the exceedingly prosperous condition of +the party. Besides this, the Vice-President, it is said, thinks it his +duty "to take the stump," which is considered rather an ominous +departure from "the usages of the Democratic party," and, in fact, is +looked upon as a proof that our leaders are growing a little +faint-hearted. But what can be more consistent with the principles and +professions of the New-Light creed? Have we not exploded Mr. Jefferson's +old and unprofitable notion, that the office-holders ought not to +interfere with the freedom of the elective franchise? Is it not a +fundamental point in our philosophy that the offices are "the spoils," +and that the men who hold them owe it to themselves and their posterity +to fight for them in every way known to Democratic warfare?--How +appropriate then is it that our highest and greatest officers, having +the largest stake, should be in the very front of the battle! Is it not +especially incumbent on the President, being the illustrious head of the +unterrified new Democracy, to show a laudable anxiety for the issues of +the campaign, to write letters suited to every emergency, to rectify +constitutional mistakes, and to mystify every unpleasant fact that might +have a tendency to divide the party or discourage its hopes? If he did +not diligently devote himself to such work he would not be worthy of +that high place we have assigned him in the Quodlibetarian school. + +Mr. Flam, moreover, assures us that the President has a profound faith +in "the intelligence and firmness of the people," and is unwearied in +his endeavors to make that clear to the most careless or indifferent +observer. Mr. Flam himself urges it upon the Club as highly important; +that we should give great prominence to this idea of an absolute belief +in the intelligence of the people. He reminds us, that it is a cardinal +maxim in the tactics of the New Lights, when a politician or a party is +suspected of any unwholsome opinion, to repel the effect of this +suspicion by frequent affirmation and repetition of words and sentiments +which in the popular judgment shall be held to contradict it. + +Another card in the game our member recommends on the same august +authority: that is, to dwell persistently upon the _Federalism_ of our +opponents, and to speak of it, on all occasions, as a term of "ignominy +and insult," by which, he says, many virtuous and innocent-minded +Democrats may be beguiled into the belief that none of our chief and +most authoritative leaders ever belonged to that venerable party which +once gloried in the name of Federalists. + +These and many other valuable suggestions were communicated by our +Honorable Representative to the Club, as matters of moment in the +conduct of our affairs. + +It is wonderful to contemplate the influence of these master-minds upon +our Quodlibetarian friends. The President scarcely drops a sentiment +from his pen before it becomes as it were expanded into the common air +of Democracy. The Globe usually leads off: the Whole Hog follows; and +upon their heels the Scrutinizer, with all the rank and file of +typographs, brings up a glorious chorus of repetition which leaves no +hill or valley, mountain or plain in the whole land uninstructed in the +Presidential utterances. Thus is it, even now, with this tribute to the +_intelligence_ and _firmness_ of the people, and this stigma of +_ignominy_ and _insult_ upon the old Federalists. + +The Hon. Middleton Flam, Theodore Fog, Agamemnon Flag, and Zachary +Younghusband, (for Zachary has turned orator of late,) and, without +vaunting, I myself may say that the importance of the crisis has even, +on same recent occasions, placed me in the same category--we all give +breath to the same sentiment in speeches by day and by night, and "the +same keynote," to quote a studied and prepared figure of speech from an +admirable oration delivered last week by Agamemnon Flag in front of the +Iron Railing--"The same key note of the _Intelligence of the People_ +rings in the discourses of five thousand Orators, and jangles in twenty +thousand resolutions of New-Light Democratic Clubs from the St. Croix to +the Sabine; and through all the windings of its devious way the +_Ignominy and the Insult of Federalism_ murmur on the ear in inseparable +treble accompaniment." + + +POSTSCRIPT. + +We have just received in Quodlibet the news from Kentucky, Indiana, and +North Carolina. We are lost in amazement! Our cause is no longer in +doubt. Whatever misgivings we may have heretofore entertained, all have +vanished. The majorities Mr. Doubleday accounts for in the most +satisfactory manner,--and though ostensibly on the side of the British +Whigs, they have yet been obtained in such a manner as to render us +perfectly certain of success "in the Fall." + +Nim Porter offers an even bet of one thousand dollars on the result, and +is willing to increase it to ten. + + +SECOND POSTSCRIPT. + +Alabama, Illinois, and Missouri, are _in_, at the office of the Whole +Hog. Eliphalet Fox is stark mad with delirious joy. To outward +appearance something is gained by the enemy; but Mr. Doubleday says it +is altogether illusory, and that, in fact, he has never been truly +confident until now. He repeats his assurance, that we must, from the +signs, inevitably carry all before us "in the Fall." + +Nim Porter is willing to double his bets. + + * * * * * + + +THIRD POSTSCRIPT. + +_Longo Intervallo._ + +The great election is over. Harrison is elected!!! + + * * * * * + +I can write no more at present. I crave time to compose myself. + + * * * * * + +TEN AT NIGHT.--The Club is in session. How blank, dreary, and long +visaged! + +We all feel the calamity, but say little. + +Mr. Snuffers is terribly exercised. He thinks the catastrophe +is to be attributed to that unhappy split of the party on the Iron +Railing:--blames Theodore Fog for pressing that point too hard on Ag +Flag and his friends. + +Theodore Fog is greatly exasperated at this remark, and threatens to +make a speech next week to explain his views: says he has known all +along that Harrison would be elected,--adding, to the consternation of +every one,--"AS HE DESERVED TO BE!" He affirms angrily, "no party could +get on with that ABSURD(!) Two-Third's Rule, which," he says, "is a +flagrant abnegation, repudiation, and fundamental and atrocious +violation of the old, ancient, and veteran usages of the Democratic +party." He adds, with extraordinary bitterness of expression and +violence of gesticulation, pointing his finger at the Hon. Middleton +Flam, who had just entered the club-room, "I can name the wr-r-retched +intriguer who got it up. As Nathan said unto David--Thou art the man!" + +Great confusion in the Club. Mr. Flam grows red in the face. Several +members start from their seats. Mr. Flam shakes his fist at Theodore +Fog, and calls him AN ABOLITIONIST! He would have uttered other +epithets, but Mr. Doubleday catches him in his arms and holds his hand +close over Mr. F.'s mouth. Fog fiercely retorts on Mr. Flam, and +vociferates in the rudest tone--"FEDERALIST!"--He jerks off his cravat +in a highly exasperated manner, evidently threatening a personal +assault. Nim Porter seizes him by the shoulders, and whirls him into a +corner, ejaculating, "The., don't make a fool of yourself!" + +The uproar is at its height, when Thomas G. Winkelman, with great +presence of mind, blows out the lights. The consequence is, an abrupt +adjournment and a hurried and excited departure of the members from the +hall. + +NEXT MORNING.--All Quodlibet is in a state of unparalleled disorder. It +is reported that Theodore Fog has gone over to Harrison. Many True Grits +have taken the same path. + +This is the second great Split of the Democratic party. The Hon. +Middleton Flam says it cannot possibly stand a third. + +Quis, talia fando, temperet a lachrymis! + + * * * * * + +GENTLE reader, I have performed my covenant. Quod meum fuit praestiti. +What content these chronicles, and the poor skill with which they are +set forth, may have brought to our respectable committee, I am in no +position to decide; since I know that an author is seldom honestly +commended to his face. That there is division of opinion on this matter +I am aware; for upon the reading at the last meeting on Wednesday night, +I could not fail to observe certain signs of dissent, if not of +displeasure, passing between Eliphalet Fox and Zachary Younghusband; and +_that_ more than once. But Mr. Flam, who has always shown himself a true +friend and patron to me, took up my cause with such spirit and effect, +being well supported by Mr. Doubleday and Mr. Snuffers, that a unanimous +vote of approbation was finally passed by the committee. Thus sheltered +under the shield of triple brass and tough bull hide of our Grand +Central Committee, I cheerfully submit my labors to the judgment of the +good folks of Quodlibet; promising, if they approve and should again +call me to the desk, to contribute what my opportunity may allow to the +better elucidation of their character, both social and public, wherein +it is manifest an eager desire to be instructed hath lately grown up in +this nation. Non sum qui oblivionis artem, quam memoriae mallem. + + SOLOMON SECONDTHOUGHTS, + + _Schoolmaster_. + + + + + Transcriber's Note: + + "Flan", an abbreviation of "Flanigan", and "The", an abbreviation + of "Theodore", are sometimes followed by a period, sometimes not. + + The following is a list of changes made to the original. + The first line is the original line, the second the corrected one. + + INTERLOCUTORS ACTORS, etc. 21 + INTERLOCUTORS, ACTORS, etc. 21 + + CHAPTER IX + CHAPTER IX. + + CHARLEY MOGGS--Boss loafer of Bickerbray, and promoted in + CHARLEY MOGGS.--Boss loafer of Bickerbray, and promoted in + + "My dear Middleton," read that," said the Judge. + "My dear Middleton, read that," said the Judge. + + whom a more pellucid, diaphonous, transparent Secretary + whom a more pellucid, diaphanous, transparent Secretary + + Flan. being found upon examination to be muddled + Flan., being found upon examination to be muddled + + that Eliphalet Fox would run Augustus Posthlethwaite + that Eliphalet Fox would run Augustus Postlethwaite + + ourselves!" The Democracy of Quodlibet never will + ourselves! The Democracy of Quodlibet never will + + A waive of the hand and a bow showed that Theodore + A wave of the hand and a bow showed that Theodore + + Lights. But the assuidity with which we endeavored + Lights. But the assiduity with which we endeavored + + the Massissippi. And they say, moreover, that little + the Mississippi. And they say, moreover, that little + + cut of Democracy. + cut of Democracy." + + "I'm not a persecutor, nother," said Tom Crop. By + "I'm not a persecutor, nother," said Tom Crop. "By + + _firmness_ of the peeple, and this stigma of _ignominy_ + _firmness_ of the people, and this stigma of _ignominy_ + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Quodlibet, by John P. 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