diff options
Diffstat (limited to '39160.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 39160.txt | 2705 |
1 files changed, 2705 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/39160.txt b/39160.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..17cc9ac --- /dev/null +++ b/39160.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2705 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch in the Hunting Field, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mr. Punch in the Hunting Field + +Author: Various + +Editor: J. A. Hammerton + +Illustrator: John Leech and others + +Release Date: March 15, 2012 [EBook #39160] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH IN THE HUNTING FIELD *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + +MR. PUNCH IN THE HUNTING FIELD + +PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON + +Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the +cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic +draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its +beginning in 1841 to the present day. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISILLUSIONED + +Awful predicament of young Fitz-Brown, who, having undertaken to see a +young lady safely home after a day with the Seaborough Harriers, has +lost his way, and has climbed up what he takes to be a sign-post.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH IN THE HUNTING FIELD + +AS PICTURED BY JOHN LEECH, CHARLES KEENE, PHIL MAY, RANDOLPH CALDECOTT, +L. RAVEN-HILL, G. D. ARMOUR, G. H. JALLAND, ARTHUR HOPKINS, +REGINALD CLEAVER, CECIL ALDIN, TOM BROWNE, W. L. HODGSON AND OTHERS. + +[Illustration] + +_WITH 173 ILLUSTRATIONS_ + +PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" + +THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. + + * * * * * + +PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ + + LIFE IN LONDON + COUNTRY LIFE + IN THE HIGHLANDS + SCOTTISH HUMOUR + IRISH HUMOUR + COCKNEY HUMOUR + IN SOCIETY + AFTER DINNER STORIES + IN BOHEMIA + AT THE PLAY + MR. PUNCH AT HOME + ON THE CONTINONG + RAILWAY BOOK + AT THE SEASIDE + MR. PUNCH AFLOAT + IN THE HUNTING FIELD + MR. PUNCH ON TOUR + WITH ROD AND GUN + MR. PUNCH AWHEEL + BOOK OF SPORTS + GOLF STORIES + IN WIG AND GOWN + ON THE WARPATH + BOOK OF LOVE + WITH THE CHILDREN + + * * * * * + +EDITOR'S NOTE + +[Illustration] + +From his earliest days MR. PUNCH has been an enthusiast for the Hunting +Field. But in this he has only been the faithful recorder of the manners +of his countrymen, as there is no sport more redolent of "Merrie +England" than that of the Horse and Hound. At no time in MR. PUNCH'S +history has he been without an artist who has specialised in the humours +of the hunt. First it was the inimitable Leech, some of whose drawings +find a place in the present collection, and then the mantle of the +sporting artist would seem to have descended to feminine shoulders, as +Miss Bowers (Mrs. Bowers-Edwards) wore it for some ten years after 1866. +That lady is also represented in the present work, at pages 49 and 111. +Later came Mr. G. H. Jalland, many of whose drawings we have chosen for +inclusion here. Perhaps the most popular of his hunting jokes was that +of the Frenchman exclaiming, "Stop ze chasse! I tomble, I faloff! _Stop +ze fox!!!_" (see page 141). To-day, of course, it is Mr. G. D. Armour +whose pencil is devoted chiefly to illustrating the humorous side of +hunting; but now, as formerly, most of the eminent artists whose work +lies usually in other fields, delight at times to find a subject +associated with the hunt. Thus we are able to present examples of Mr. +Cecil Aldin and Mr. Raven-Hill in sportive mood, while such celebrities +of the past as Randolph Caldecott and Phil May are here drawn upon for +the enriching of this, the first book of hunting humour compiled from +the abundant chronicles of MR. PUNCH. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'ARRY OUT WITH THE 'OUNDS] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH IN THE HUNTING FIELD + +THE HUNTING SEASON + +(_By Jorrocks Junior_) + + The season for hunting I see has begun, + So adieu for a time to my rod and my gun; + And ho! for the fox, be he wild or in bag, + As I follow the chase on my high-mettled nag. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WEATHER PERMITTING,"--MR. PUNCH DRIVES TO THE FIRST +MEET.] + + * * * * * + + I call him high-mettled, but still I must state, + He hasn't a habit I always did hate, + He doesn't walk sideways, like some "gees" you meet, + Who go slantindicularly down the street. + + He's steady and well broken in, for, of course, + I can't risk my life on an unbroken horse; + You might tie a torpedo or two on behind, + And though they exploded that horse wouldn't mind. + + My strong point is costume, and oft I confess + I've admired my get-up in a sportsmanlike dress; + Though, but for the finish their lustre confers, + I would much rather be, I declare, without spurs. + + They look very well as to cover you ride, + But I can't keep the things from the animal's side; + And the mildest of "gees," I am telling no fibs, + Will resent having liberties ta'en with his ribs. + + Then hie to the cover, the dogs are all there, + And the horn of the hunter is heard on the air; + I've a horn of my own, which in secret I stow, + For, oddly enough, they don't like me to blow. + + We'll go round by that gate, my good sir, if you please, + I'm one of your sportsmen who rides at his ease; + And I don't care to trouble my courser to jump, + For whenever he does I fall off in a lump. + + Then haste to the meet! The Old Berkeley shall find, + If I don't go precisely as fast as the wind, + If they'll give my Bucephalus time to take breath, + We shall both of us, sometimes, be in at the death! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LION IN THE PATH? + +Oh dear no! Merely the "_first open day_" after a long frost, and a +tom-tit has been inconsiderate enough to fly suddenly out of the fence +on the way to covert!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIALS OF A NOVICE + +_Unsympathetic Bystander._ "Taking 'im back to 'is cab, guv'nor?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW THE LAST RUN OF THE WOPSHIRE HOUNDS WAS SPOILT.] + + * * * * * + +PROVERBS FOR THE TIMID HUNTSMAN + +_Dressing_ + +There's no toe without a corn. + +If the boot pinches--bear it. + +_Breakfast_ + +A snack in time, saves nine. + +Faint hunger never conquered tough beef-steak. + +_Mounting_ + +You can't make a hunter out of a hired hack. + +The nearer the ground the safer the seat. + +_In the Field_ + +Take care of the hounds, but the fence may take care of itself. + +Too many brooks spoil the sport. + +One pair of spurs may bring a horse to the water, but twenty will not +make him jump. + +It is the howl that shows the funk. + +Fools break rails for wise men to go over. + +Snobs and their saddles are soon parted. + +_At Luncheon_ + +A flask in the hand is worth a cask in the vault. + +Cut your sandwiches according to your stomach. + +_Coming Home_ + +The nearer the home, the harder the seat. + +_Bed-time_ + +It's a heavy sleep that has no turning. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REALLY PLEASANT! + +Six miles from home, horse dead lame, awfully tender feet, and horribly +tight boots.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Now, if I jump it, I shall certainly fall off; and if I +dismount to open it, I shall never get on again."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: This is Jones, who thought to slip down by the rail early +in the morning, and have a gallop with the fox hounds. On looking out of +the window, he finds it is a clear frosty morning. He sees a small boy +sliding--actually sliding on the pavement opposite!! and--doesn't he +hate that boy--and doesn't he say it is a beastly climate!!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEW SPORTING DICTIONARY OF FAMILIAR LATIN PHRASES. + +(1) Labour omnia vincit. (Labor overcomes everything.)] + +[Illustration: (2) Ars est celare artem. "Apres vous, mademoiselle!"] + +[Illustration: (3) Exeunt Omnes. (They all go off.)] + + * * * * * + +A GENUINE SPORTSWOMAN + +_Mrs. Shodditon_ (_to Captain Forrard, on a cub-hunting morning_). "I do +hope you'll have good sport, and find plenty of foxes." + +_Captain Forrard._ "Hope so. By the way, how is that beautiful collie of +yours that I admired so much?" + +_Mrs. Shodditon._ "Oh! Fanny! poor dear! Our keeper shot it by mistake +for a fox!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Short-sighted Party_ (_thrown earlier, after weary tramp, +thinks he sees mount on ploughed upland, and approaches bush +coaxingly_). "Whoa, my beauty! Steady, my gal, steady then," &c.] + +[Illustration: _Same Short-sighted Party arrived at thornbush, discovers +error, and reflects_--"Five miles from station, perhaps +ten--fifty miles from town, missed express, missed dinner, lost mount, +wet through, getting dusk, and, by the way, where am I?" + [_Left reflecting_. + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gorgeous Stranger._ "I say, Huntsman, would you mind +blowing your horn two or three times? I want my fellow, who has my +flask, to know where we are, don't you know!"] + + * * * * * + +DIARY OF THE MODERN HUNT SECRETARY + + "Capping all non-subscribers is pretty generally resorted to, this + season, not only in the shires, but also with provincial + packs."--_Daily Press._] + +_Monday._--Splendid gallop after non-subscriber. Spotted the quarry on +good-looking chestnut, whilst we were drawing big covert. Edged my horse +over in his direction, but non-subscriber very wary--think he must have +known my face as "collector of tolls." Retired again to far side of +spinney and disguised myself in pair of false whiskers, which I always +keep for these occasions. Craftily sidled up, and finally got within +speaking distance, under cover of the whiskers, which effectually masked +my battery. "Beg pardon, sir," I began, lifting my hat, "but I don't +think I have the pleasure of knowing your name as a subscri----" But he +was off like a shot. Went away over a nice line of country, all grass, +and a good sound take-off to most of the fences. Non-subscriber had got +away with about a three lengths lead of me, and that interval was fairly +maintained for the first mile and a half of the race. Then, felt most +annoyed to see that my quarry somewhat gained on me as we left the +pasture land and went across a holding piece of plough. Over a stiff +post and rails, and on again, across some light fallow, towards a big +dry ditch. The hunted one put his horse resolutely at it--must say he +rode very straight, but what _won't_ men do to avoid "parting?"--horse +jumped short and disappeared from view together with his rider. Next +moment I had also come a cropper at ditch, and rolled down on top of my +prey. "Excuse me," I said, taking out my pocket-book and struggling to +my knees in six inches of mud, "but when you rather abruptly started +away from covertside, I was just about to remark that I did not think +you were a subscriber, and that I should have much pleasure in taking +the customary 'cap'--thank you." And he paid up quite meekly. We agreed, +as we rode back together, in the direction in which we imagined hounds +to be, that even if they had got away with a good fox, the field would +not be likely to have had so smart a gallop as he and I had already +enjoyed. Lost my day's hunting, of course. + +_Thursday._--Got away after another non-subscriber, led him over four +fields, after which he ran me out of sight. Lost my day's hunting again, +but was highly commended by M.F.H. for my zeal. + +_Saturday._--M.F.H. pointed out five non-subscribers, and I at once +started off to "cap" them. Lost another day with hounds--shall send in +my resignation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gent_ (_who has just executed a double somersault and is +somewhat dazed_). "Now where the dickens has that horse gone to?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON EXMOOR + +_Gent_ (_very excited after his first gallop with staghounds_). "Hi, +mister, don't let the dogs maul 'im, and I'll take the 'aunch at a bob a +pound!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COOKED ACCOUNTS + +_Extract from old Fitzbadly's letter to a friend, describing a run in +the Midlands:_--"I was well forward at the brook, but lost my hat, and +had to dismount."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Hup--yer beast!"] + +[Illustration: "Hup!!--yer brute!"] + +[Illustration: "Hup!!!--yer infernal, confounded ---- Hover!!!"] + +[Illustration: And "Hover" it was!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOMETHING LIKE A NOSE. + +_Whip_ (_after galloping half a mile to a holloa_). "Where did you see +him?" + +_Yokel._ "Can't zay as 'ow I 'zactly _zeed_ 'un, but I think I _smelled_ +'un!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Second Horseman No. 1._ "Ulloah, Danny, what are you +lookin' for?" + +_Second Horseman No. 2._ "Perkisites. Guv'nor's just been over 'ere. 'E +jumps so much 'igher than 'is 'orse, there's always some small change or +summat to be picked up!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW NIMROD + + [Mr. Pat O'Brien, M.P., was first in at the death on one occasion + with the Meath Hounds on his bicycle, and was presented with the + brush.] + +Air--"_The Hunting Day_" + + "What a fine hunting day"-- + 'Tis an old-fashioned lay + That I'll change to an up-to-date pome; + Old stagers may swear + That the pace isn't fair, + But they're left far behind us at home! + See cyclists and bikes on their way, + And scorchers their prowess display; + Let us join the glad throng + That goes wheeling along, + And we'll all go a-hunting to-day! + + New Nimrods exclaim, + "Timber-topping" is tame, + And "bull-finches" simply child's play; + And they don't care a jot + For a gallop or trot, + Though they _will_ go a-hunting to-day. + There's a fox made of clockwork, they say + They'll wind him and get him away; + He runs with a rush + On rails with his brush, + So we must go and chase him to-day. + + We've abolished the sounds + Of the horn and the hounds-- + 'Tis the bicycle squeaker that squeals + And the pack has been stuffed, + Or sent to old Cruft, + Now the huntsmen have taken to wheels! + Hairy country no more we essay, + Five bars, too, no longer dismay, + For we stick to the roads + In the latest of modes, + So we'll bike after Reynard to-day! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LANGUAGE OF SPORT. + +"Where the----! What the----!! Who the----!!! Why the----!!!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COMFORTING, VERY! + +_Sportsman (who has mounted friend on bolting mare) shouts._ "You're all +right, old chap! She's never been known to refuse water, and swims like +a fish!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Stubbles_ (_having pounded the swells_). "Aw--haw----! +laugh away, but who be the roight side o' the fence, masters?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CUB HUNTING + +1. "Ah, my boys," said Percy Johnson, "give me a good old hurry and +scurry--Heigh O! gee whoa!--over the downs and through the brushwood +after the cubs. So, early in the morning as you like. What can be more +exhilarating?" + +2. So, in happy anticipation of the morrow's meet, he retired.] + +[Illustration: 3. Later, at 4 a.m., the butler came to rouse him. "Sir!" +A pause. "Sir, th' 'osses be very nigh ready!" Uncertain voice from +within--"Eh? good-night! Remember to call me early in the morning!" + +4. Snoring resumed _in infinitum_. Still, Percy looked rather sheepish +later on, when the others pretended they had missed him on the road, and +inquired whether he had found the morning as exhilarating as he had +expected.] + + * * * * * + +MY LITTLE BROWN MARE + +(_A Song for the commencement of the Hunting Season_) + + She's rather too lean but her head's a large size, + And she hasn't the average number of eyes; + Her hind legs are not what you'd call a good pair, + And she's broken both knees, has my little brown mare. + + You can find some amusement in counting each rib, + And she bites when she's hungry like mad at her crib; + When viewed from behind she seems all on the square, + She's quite a Freemason--my little brown mare. + + Her paces are rather too fast, I suppose, + For she often comes down on her fine Roman nose, + And the way she takes fences makes hunting men stare, + For she backs through the gaps does my little brown mare. + + She has curbs on her hocks and no hair on her knees; + She has splints and has spavins wherever you please? + Her neck, like a vulture's, is horribly bare, + But still she's a beauty, my little brown mare. + + She owns an aversion to windmills and ricks, + When passing a waggon she lies down and kicks; + And the clothes of her groom she'll persistently tear-- + But still she's no vice has my little brown mare. + + When turned down to grass she oft strays out of bounds; + She always was famous for snapping at hounds; + And even the baby has learnt to beware + The too playful bite of my little brown mare. + + She prances like mad and she jumps like a flea, + And her waltz to a brass band is something to see: + No circus had ever a horse, I declare, + That could go through the hoops like my little brown mare. + + I mount her but seldom--in fact, to be plain, + Like the Frenchman, when hunting I "do not remain:" + Since I've only one neck it would hardly be fair + To risk it in riding my little brown mare! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TROUBLES OF A WOULD-BE SPORTSMAN + +_Huntsman_ (_to W.B.S._). "Just 'op across, would ye, sir, and turn +those 'ounds to me, please."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RESPICE FINEM + +_Excited Shepherd_ (_to careful Sportsman, inspecting fence with slight +drop_). "Come on, sir! All right! Anywhere 'ere!" + +_Careful Sportsman._ "All very fine! You want to give me a fall, and get +half-a-crown for catching my horse!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WEEDS"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "'WARE WIRE!" + +"Hallo, Jack! What's up?" + +"Don' know! I'm not!"] + + * * * * * + +MISPLACED ENERGY + +_Huntsman_ (_seeking a beaten fox_). "Now then, have you seen anything +of him?" + +_Cockney Sportsman_ (_immensely pleased with himself_). "Well, rather! +Why, I've just driven him into this drain for you!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHILE YOU WAIT" + +"Here, my good man, just pull those rails down. Be as quick as you can!" + +"Take 'em down, miss! It'll be a good four hours' job, for I've been all +the mornin' a-puttin' of 'em up!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ECHOES OF THE CHASE. BOXING DAY + +_Holiday Sportsman_ (_to Whip, who has been hollering_). "Where's the +fox?" + +_Whip._ "Gone away, of course." + +_H. S._ "Gone away! Wotcher makin' all that noise for, then? I thought +you'd caught 'im!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EASILY SATISFIED + +_Gent_ (_who all but dissolved partnership at the last fence_). "Thank +goodness I've got hold of the reins again! If I could but get my foot +into that confounded stirrup, I should be all right!"] + + * * * * * + +A Nice Prospect + +_Host_ (_to Perks, an indifferent horseman, who has come down for the +hunting_). "Now, look here, Perks, old chap, as you're a light weight, +I'll get you to ride this young mare of mine. You see, I want to get her +qualified for our Hunt Cup, and she's not up to my weight, or I'd ride +her myself. Perhaps I'd better tell you she hasn't been ridden to hounds +before, so she's sure to be a bit nervous at first; and mind you steady +her at the jumps, as she's apt to rush them; and I wouldn't take her too +near other people, as she has a nasty temper, and knows how to use her +heels; and, whatever you do, don't let her get you down, or she'll tear +you to pieces. The last man that rode her is in hospital now. But keep +your eye on her, and remember what I've said, and you'll be all right!" + + [_Consternation of Perks_ + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON 'ORSEBACK + + Our 'Arry goes 'unting and sings with a will, + "The 'orn of the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill:" + And oft, when a saddle looks terribly bare, + The 'eels of our 'Arry are seen in the air! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'W. STANDS FOR WIRE' + +"Hulloah, Jarge! Been puttin' up some wire to keep the fox-hunter away?" + +"Noa, I b'ain't put up no wire; but the 'unt they sends me a lot o' them +boards with 'W' on um, so I just stuck 'em up all round the land, and +they never comes nigh o' me now!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HUNTING SEASON + +_Rector._ "Is that the parcels post, James? He's early this morning, +isn't he?" (_Noise without, baying of dogs, &c._) "What's all this----" + +_James_ (_excited_). "Yes, sir. Postman says as how the young 'ounds, a +comin' back from cubbin', found 'im near the kennels, and runned 'im all +the way 'ere. They was close on 'im when he got in! Thinks it was a +packet o' red 'errins in the bag, sir! I see the run from the pantry +window"--(_with enthusiasm_)--"a beautiful ten minutes' bu'st, sir!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Duck, you fool! Duck!"] + + * * * * * + +HUNTING "DAY BY DAY" + +"The Mudsquashington Foxhounds had a good day's sport from Wotsisname +Coverts (which were laid for a large number). They found in Thingamy +Woods, rattled him round the Osier Beds, and then through the Gorse, +just above Sumware. Leaving this and turning left-handed, he ran on as +far as Sumotherplace, where he finally got to ground. Amongst the +numerous field were Lord Foozle and Lady Frump, Messrs. Borkins, +Poshbury, and Tomkyn-Smith."[A] + +[Footnote A: Half a dozen similar paragraphs cut out as being too +exciting for the average reader's brain to bear.--ED.] + + * * * * * + +AT MELTON + +_First Sportsman._ "That crock of yours seems to be a bit of a +songster." + +_Second Sportsman._ "Yes, he has always been like that since I lent him +to a well-known English tenor." + +_First Sportsman_ (_drily_). "You should have taken him in exchange." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NICE BEGINNING. + +The above is not a French bull-fight, but merely the unpleasant +adventure Mr. Jopling experienced on our opening day, when a skittish +Alderney crossed him at the first fence.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'ARRY ON 'ORSEBACK + +_'Arry_ (_in extremities_). "Well, gi' _me_ a _bike_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONVENIENCE OF A LIGHT-WEIGHT GROOM + +_Miss Ethel._ "Now, sit tight this time, Charles. How could you be so +stupid as to let him go?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Voice from the ditch._ "Don't jump here!" + +_Irish Huntsman._ "And what would ye be after down there? +Wather-cresses?"] + + * * * * * + +RATHER + +"Is fox-hunting dangerous?" asks one of our daily papers. A fox informs +us that it has its risks. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Rough Rider_ (_to old Creeper, who will not let his +horse jump_). "Now then, gov'nor, if you are quite sure you can't get +under it, perhaps you'll let me 'ave a turn!"] + + * * * * * + +PROOF POSITIVE + +_Podson_ (_lately returned from abroad_). "Well, I hear you've been +having a capital season, Thruster." + +_Thruster._ "Oh, rippin'! Why, I've had both collar-bones broken, left +wrist sprained, and haven't got a sound horse left in my string!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INEXPRESSIBLE + +_Master Jack_ (_son of M.F.H., much upset by hard weather_). "Go skating +with you! Not if I know it. May be all very well for you women and those +curate chaps--but we hunting men, by George!!!"] + + * * * * * + +BY THE COVERT SIDE + +_Fred_ (_a notorious funk_). "Bai Jove! Jack, I'm afraid I've lost my +nerve this season!" + +_Jack._ "Have you? Doosid sorry for the poor beggar who finds it!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Elderly Sportsman._ "I wonder they don't have that place +stopped. Why, I remember running a fox to ground there twenty years ago! +Don't you?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THEORY AND PRACTICE; OR, WHY THE ENGAGEMENT WAS BROKEN +OFF + +_Lady Di_ (_to Jack, whose vows of devotion have been interrupted by a +fox being hollered away_). "Oh, Jack, my hair's coming down! Do stop and +hold my horse. I won't be five minutes."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AWFUL RESULT OF THE WAR! + +_A Dream of Mr. Punch's Sporting Correspondent_ + + ["Mr. Arthur Wilson, Master of the Holderness Hunt, has received an + intimation from the War Office that, in consequence of the war with + the Transvaal, ten of his horses will be required."--_Daily + Paper._] + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NO FOLLOWERS ALLOWED"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ROBBERY WITH VIOLENCE + +_Lady_ (_who has just jumped on fallen Sportsman_). "I'm awfully sorry! +I hope we didn't hurt you?" + +_Fallen Sportsman._ "Oh, I'm all right, thanks. But--er--do you mind +leaving me my hat?"] + + * * * * * + +IN THE MIDLANDS + +_Belated Hunting Man_ (_to Native_). "Can you kindly point out the way +to the Fox and Cock Inn?" + +_Native._ "D'ye mean the Barber's Arms?" + +_B. H. M._ "No, the Fox and Cock!" + +_Native._ "Well, that's what we call the Barber's Arms." + +_B. H. M._ "Why so?" + +_Native_ (_with a hoarse laugh_). "Well, ain't the Fox and Cock the same +as the Brush and Comb?" + + [_Vanishes into the gloaming, leaving the B. H. M. muttering those + words which are not associated with benediction, while he wearily + passes on his way._ + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE TO THE WINTER SEASON + +For sportsmen, the old song long ago popular, entitled "_There's a Good +Time Coming, Boys_," if sung by a M.F.H. with a bad cold, as thus: +"_There's a Good Tibe Cubbing, Boys!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Mr. Briggs's hunting cap comes home, but that is really a +thing Mrs. Briggs _can_ not, and _will_ not put up with!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Mr. Briggs goes out with the Brighton Harriers. He has a +capital day. The only drawback is, that he is obliged to lead his horse +_up_ hill to ease him--] + + * * * + +[Illustration: and _down_ hill because he is afraid of going over his +head--so that he doesn't get quite so much horse exercise as he could +wish!] + + * * * * * + +AT THE HUNT BALL + +(_The Sad Complaint of a Man in Black_) + + O MOLLY, dear, my head, I fear, is going round and round, + Your cousin isn't in the hunt, when hunting men abound; + A waltz for me no more you'll keep, the girls appear to think + There's a law been made in favour of the wearing of the pink. + Sure I met you in the passage, and I took you by the hand, + And says I, "How many dances, Molly, darlint, will ye stand?" + But your card was full, you said it with a most owdacious wink, + And I'm "hanging" all your partners for the wearing of the pink! + You'd a waltz for Charlie Thruster, but you'd divil a one for me, + Though he dances like a steam-engine, as all the world may see; + 'Tis an illigant divarsion to observe the crowd divide, + As he plunges down the ball-room, taking couples in his stride. + 'Tis a cropper you'll be coming, but you know your business best, + Still, it's bad to see you romping round with Charlie and the rest; + Now you're dancing with Lord Arthur--sure, he's had enough to dhrink-- + And I'm "hanging" all your partners for the wearing of the pink! + Your cruelty ashamed you'll be someday to call to mind, + You'll be glad to ask my pardon, then, for being so unkind, + The hunting men are first, to-night--well, let them have their whack-- + You'll be glad to dance with me, someday--when all the coats are black! + But, since pink's the only colour now that fills your pretty head, + Bedad, I'll have some supper, and then vanish home to bed. + 'Tis the most distressful ball-room I was ever in, I think, + And I'm "hanging" all your partners for the wearing of the pink! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. BRIGGS HAS ANOTHER DAY WITH THE HOUNDS + +Mr. Briggs can't bear flying leaps, so he makes for a gap--which is +immediately filled by a frantic Protectionist, who is vowing that he +will pitchfork Mr. B. if he comes "galloperravering" over his +fences--danged if he doant!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DOUBTFUL INFORMANT + +_Miss Connie_ (_to Gent in brook_). "Could you tell me if there is a +bridge anywhere handy?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT TO BE BEATEN + +_Cissy._ "Why should they call the hare's tail the scut?" + +_Bobby_ (_with a reputation as an authority to keep up_). "Oh--er--why +you see--oh, of course, because the hare scuttles, you know, when she is +hunted."] + + * * * * * + +WHY HE WAITED + +"What's the matter with Jack's new horse? He won't start." + +"Don't know; but they say he's been in an omnibus. Perhaps he's waiting +for the bell!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PLEASURES OF HUNTING + +To get a toss in a snowdrift, and, while lying half-smothered, to be +sworn at for not shouting to warn the man following you.] + + * * * * * + +SO CONSOLING + +_Lady_ (_whose mare has just kicked a member of the Hunt, who was +following too closely_). "Oh, I'm so sorry! I do hope it didn't hurt +you! She's such a gentle thing, and could only have done it in the +merest play, you know." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POSITIVELY OSTENTATIOUS + +_Mr. Phunkstick_ (_quite put out_). "Talk about agricultural depression, +indeed! Don't believe in it! Never saw fences kept in such disgustingly +good order in my life!"] + + * * * * * + +IRISH HUNTING TIPPLE + +_Englishman_ (_having partaken of his friend's flask, feels as if he had +swallowed melted lead_). "Terribly strong! Pure whiskey, is it not?" + +_Irishman._ "Faith! not at all! It's greatly diluted with gin!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN A SHOOTING COUNTRY + +_Railway Porter_ (_who has been helping lady to mount_). "I hope you'll +'ave a good day, ma'am." + +_Lady Diana._ "I just hope we'll find a fox." + +_Porter_ (_innocently_). "Oh, that's all right, ma'am. The fox came down +by the last train!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INSULT TO INJURY + +_Fitz-Noodle's Harriers, after a capital run, have killed--a fox!_ + +_Incensed local M.F.H._ "Confound it, sir, you have killed one of my +foxes!" + +_F. N._ "It's all right, old chap! You may kill one of my hares!"] + + * * * * * + +HUNTING SONG + +(_To be sung when the Hounds meet at Colney Hatch or Hanwell_) + + Tantivy! Anchovy! Tantara! + The moon is up, the moon is up, + The larks begin to fly, + And like a scarlet buttercup + Aurora gilds the sky. + Then let us all a-hunting go, + Come, sound the gay French horn, + And chase the spiders to and fro, + Amid the standing corn. + Tantivy! Anchovy! Tantara! + + * * * * * + +UNCOMMONLY KEEN + +"Why, where's the horse, Miss Kitty? By Jove, you're wet through! What +has happened?" + +"Oh, the stupid utterly refused to take that brook, so I left him and +swam it. I couldn't miss the end of this beautiful thing!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IN A BLIND DITCH + +_Sportsman_ (_to friend, whom he has mounted on a raw four-year-old for +"a quiet morning's outing"_). "Bravo, Jack! Well done! That's just what +the clumsy beggar wanted. Teach him to look where he's going!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DRY HUMOUR + +"Be'n't ye comin' over for 'im, mister?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WIREPROOF + +Sir Harry Hardman, mounted on "Behemoth," created rather a stir at the +meet. He said he didn't care a hang for the barbed or any other kind of +wire.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SKETCH FROM THE MIDLANDS + +"Hulloa, old chap! Not hurt, I hope?" + +"Oh, no, no! Just got off to have a look at the view."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Whip._ "Here, here! Hold hard! Come back!" + +_Tommy_ (_home for the holidays_). "No jolly fear! You want to get first +start!"] + + * * * * * + +"BUSINESS FIRST" + +_Favourite Son of M.F.H._ (_to old huntsman_). "No, Smith, you won't see +much more of me for the rest of the season; if at all." + +_Smith_ (_with some concern_). "Indeed, sir! 'Ow's that?" + +_Son of M.F.H._ "Well, you see, I'm reading hard." + +_Smith_ (_interrogatively_). "Readin' 'ard, sir?" + +_Son of M.F.H._ "Yes, I'm reading Law." + +_Smith._ "Well, I likes to read a bit o' them perlice reports myself, +sir, now an' then; but I don't allow 'em to hinterfere with a honest +day's 'untin'." + + * * * * * + +AN OMISSION BEST OMITTED + +_Brown_ (_on foot_). "Do you know what the total is for the season?" + +_Simkins_ (_somewhat new to country life_). "Fifteen pairs of foxes, the +huntsman says. But he seems to have kept no count of rabbits or 'ares, +and I know they've killed and eaten a lot of those!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUTTING IT NICELY + +_Young Lady_ (_politely, to old Gentleman who is fiddling with gap_). "I +don't wish to hurry you, sir, but when you have quite finished your game +of spilikins I should like to come!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TERPSICHOREAN + +_Sportsman_ (_to Dancing Man, who has accepted a mount_). "Hold on +tight, sir, and she'll _waltz_ over with you."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Benevolent Stranger._ "Allow me, sir, to offer you a +drink!" + +_Unfortunate Sportsman_ (_just out of brook_). "Thanks; but I've had a +drop too much already!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MAGIC WORD + +_Huntsman_ (_having run a fox to ground, to yokel_). "Run away down and +get some o' your fellows to come up with spades, will ye? Tell 'em we're +after hidden treasure!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CAPITAL DODGE + +Among his native banks Old Poddles takes a lot of beating. He says +there's nothing easier when you know how to negotiate 'em.] + + * * * * * + +HUNTING EXTRAORDINARY + +Jobson, who edits a cheerful little weekly, said to me the other day: + +"You hunt, don't you?" + +I looked at him knowingly. Jobson interpreted my smile according to his +preconceived idea. + +"I thought so," he continued. + +"Well, you might do me a bright little article--about half a column, you +know--on hunting, will you?" + +Why should I hesitate? Jobson is safe for cash; and he had not asked me +to give my own experiences of the hunting field. I replied warily, "I +fancy I know the sort of thing you want." + +"Good," he said, and before we could arrive at any detailed explanation +he had banged the door and dashed downstairs, jumped into his hansom and +was off. + +This was the article:- + +THOUGHTS ON HUNTING. + +It is hardly possible to overrate the value of hunting as a National +sport. Steeplechasing is a Grand-National sport, but it is the sport of +the rich, whereas hunting is not. By judiciously dodging the Hunt +Secretary, you can, in fact, hunt for nothing. Of course, people will +come at me open-mouthed for this assertion, and say, "How about the keep +of your horses?" To which I reply, "If you keep a carriage, hunt the +carriage horse; if you don't, borrow a friend's horse for a long ride in +the country, and accidentally meet the hounds." To proceed. This has +been a season of poor scent. Of course, the horses of the present day +have deteriorated as line hunters: they possess not the keen sense of +smell which their grandsires had. But despite this the sport goes gaily +on. There are plenty of foxes--but we cannot agree with the popular idea +of feeding them on poultry. And yet, in every hunt, we see hunters +subscribing to poultry funds. This is not as it should be: Spott's meat +biscuit would be much better for foxes' food. + +But these be details: let us hie forrard and listen to the cheery voice +of sly Reynard as he is winded from his earth. The huntsman blows his +horn, and soon the welkin rings with a chorus of brass instruments; the +tufters dash into covert, and anon the cheerful note of _Ponto_ or +_Gripper_ gives warning that a warrantable fox is on foot--well, of +course, he couldn't be on horseback, but this is merely a venatorial +_facon de parler_. Away go the huntsmen, showing marvellous dexterity in +cracking their whips and blowing their horns at the same moment. Last of +all come the hounds, trailing after their masters--ah, good dogs, you +cannot hope to keep up very far with the swifter-footed horses! +Nevertheless, they strain at their leashes and struggle for a better +place at the horses' heels. "Hike forrard! tally ho! whoo-hoop!" They +swoop over the fields like a charge of cavalry. But after several hours' +hard running a check is at hand: the fox falters, then struggles on +again, its tail waving over its head. As its pursuers approach, it +rushes up a tree to sit on the topmost branch and crack nuts. + +The panting horses arrive--some with their riders still in the saddle, +though many, alas! have fallen by the wayside. Next come the hounds, at +a long interval--poor _Fido_, poor _Vic_, poor _Snap_! you have done +your best to keep up, but the horses have out-distanced you! The +whipper-in immediately climbs the tree in which the little red-brown +animal still peacefully cracks its nuts, its pretty tail curled well +over its head. Its would-be captor carries a revolving wire cage, and, +by sleight-of-hand movement, manages to get the quarry securely into it. +Then he descends, places the cage in a cart and it is driven home. + +The "mort" is sounded by four green velvet-coated huntsmen, with horns +wound round their bodies; a beautiful brush presented to the lady who +was first up at the "take"; and then the field slowly disperse. Tally +Ho-Yoicks! all is over for the day. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS IN THE FIELD + +Always be prepared to give the lead to a lady, even at some little +personal inconvenience.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PLEASURES OF HUNTING + +Having been cannoned and nearly brought down, to be asked if you are +trying the American seat.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUNTING SKETCH + +The Cast Shoe, or Late for the Meat.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A KINDLY VIEW OF IT + +_First Rustic_ (_to Second Ditto_). "Oh, I say! Ain't he fond of his +horse!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _M.F.H._ "Hold hard! Hold hard, please!! Where _are_ you +going with that brute?" + +_Diana_ (_plaintively_). "I wish I knew!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST DAY OF HUNTING + +(_Stanzas for the First of April_) + + Right day to bid a long farewell + To the field's gladsome glee; + To hang the crop upon its peg, + The saddle on its tree. + All Fools' the day, all Fools' the deed, + That hunting's end doth bring-- + With all those stinking violets, + And humbug of the Spring! + + Good-bye to pig-skin and to pink, + Good-bye to hound and horse! + The whimpering music sudden heard + From cover-copse and gorse; + The feathering stems, the sweeping ears, + The heads to scent laid low, + The find, the burst, the "Gone-away!" + The rattling "Tally-ho!" + + My horses may eat off their heads, + My huntsman eat his heart; + My hounds may dream of kills and runs + In which they've borne their part, + Until the season's bore is done, + And Parliament set free, + And cub-hunting comes back again + To make a man of me! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A-HUNTING WE WILL GO!" + +_Lady._ "You're dropping your fish!" + +_Irish Fish Hawker_ (_riding hard_). "Och, bad luck to thim! Niver +moind. Sure we're kapin' up wid the gentry!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JUMPING POWDER + +(_Mr. Twentystun having a nip on his way to covert_) + +_Small Boy._ "Oh my, Billy, 'ere's a heighty-ton gun a chargin' of +'isself afore goin' into haction!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DRAWN BLANK + +_Huntsman._ "How is it you never have any foxes here now?" + +_Keeper_ (_who has orders to shoot them_). "Pheasants have eat 'em all!"] + + * * * * * + +THE ADVANTAGE OF EDUCATION + +_M.F.H._ (_who has had occasion to reprimand hard-riding Stranger_). "I'm +afraid I used rather strong language to you just now." + +_Stranger._ "Strong language? A mere _twitter_, sir. You should hear +_our_ Master!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Irate Non-sporting Farmer._ "Hi! you there! What the +Duce do you mean by riding over my wheat!" + +_'Arry._ "'Ere, I say! What are yer givin' us? _Wheat!_ Why, it's only +bloomin' _mud!_"] + + * * * * * + +"FOOT AND MOUTH" TROUBLE + +A valuable hunter, belonging to Mr. Durlacher, got its hind foot +securely fixed in its mouth one day last week, and a veterinary surgeon +had to be summoned to its assistance. This recalls the ancient Irish +legend of the man who never opened his mouth without putting his foot +into it. But that, of course, was a bull. + + * * * * * + +DECIDEDLY NOT + +_Nervous Visitor_ (_pulling up at stiff-looking fence_). "Are you going to +take this hedge, sir?" + +_Sportsman._ "No. It can stop where it is, as far as I'm concerned." + + * * * * * + +UNGRATEFUL + +_The Pride of the Hunt_ (_to Smith, who, for the last ten minutes, has +been gallantly struggling with obstinate gate_). "Mr. Smith, if you +really _can't_ open that gate, perhaps you will kindly move out of the +way, and allow me to _jump_ it!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: APT + +_Brown_ (_helping lady out of water_). "'Pon my word, Miss Smith, you +remind me exactly of What's-her-name rising from the What-you-call!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CHECK + +_M.F.H._ (_riding up to old Rustic, with the intention of asking him if he +has seen the lost fox_). "How long have you been working here, master?" + +_Old Rustic_ (_not seeing the point_). "Nigh upon sixty year, mister!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHAT'S IN A NAME?" + +_Whip._ "_Wisdom!_ Get away there!! _Wisdom!! Wisdom!!!_ Ugh!--you +always were the biggest fool in the pack!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY + +_Mrs. Brown_ (_being helped out of a brook by the gallant Captain, who has +also succeeded in catching her horse_). "Oh, Captain Robinson! thank you +_so_ much!" + +_Gallant, but somewhat flurried, Captain._ "Not at all--don't mention +it." (_Wishing to add something excessively polite and appropriate._) +"Only hope I may soon have another opportunity of doing the same again +for you."] + + * * * * * + +REASSURING + +_Criticising friend_ (_to nervous man on new horse_). "Oh! now I recollect +that mare. Smashem bought her of Crashem last season, and she broke a +collar-bone for each of them." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE TIP OF THE MORNING TO YOU!" + +_First Whip thanks him, and hums to himself,_ "When other tips, and +t'other parts, Then he remembers _me!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Giles_ (_indicating Sportsman on excitable horse, waiting +his turn_). "Bless us all, Tumas, if that un beant a goin' to try it +back'ards!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WITH THE HARDUP HARRIERS + +_Dismounted Huntsman_ (_to his mount_). "Whoa, you old brute! To think I +went and spared yer from the biler only last week! You hungrateful old +'idebound 'umbug!"] + + * * * * * + +'INTS ON 'UNTING, BY 'ARRY + +[Illustration: (1) ON CLOTHES.--"Why not employ local talent? Saves half +the money, and no one can tell the difference."] + +[Illustration: (2) If the thong of your whip gets under your horse's +tail, just try to pull it out!] + +[Illustration: (3) Don't buy a horse because he is described as being +"Well known with the ---- Hounds." It might be true.] + +[Illustration: (4) If at a meet your horse should get a bit out of hand, +just run him up against some one.] + +[Illustration: (5) If opening a gate for the huntsman, don't fall into +the middle of the pack!] + +[Illustration: (6) Sit well back at your fences!] + +[Illustration: (7) Look before you leap.] + +[Illustration: (8) If you lose your horse, just tell the huntsman to +catch it for you.] + + * * * * * + +EXCUSABLE + +_M.F.H._ (_justly irate, having himself come carefully round edge of +seed-field_). "Blank it all, Rogerson, what's the good o' me trying to +keep the field off seeds, and a fellow like you coming slap across 'em?" + +_Hard-Riding Farmer._ "It's all right. They're my own! Ar've just come +ower my neighbour's wheat, and ar couldn't for vary sham(e) miss my own +seeads!" + + * * * * * + +ANXIOUS TO SELL + +_Dealer_ (_to Hunting Man, whose mount has NOT answered expectations_). +"How much do you want for that nag o' yours, sir?" + +_Hunting Man._ "Well, I'll take a hundred guineas." + +_Dealer._ "Make it _shillings_." + +_H. M._ (_delighted_). "He's yours!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT A LADIES' DAY + +_Miss Scramble._ "Now, Charles, give me one more long hair-pin, and I +shall do."] + + * * * * * + +CASUAL + +_Owner of let-out hunters_ (_to customer just returned from day's sport_). +"Are you aware, sir, that ain't my 'orse?" + +_Sportsman._ "Not yours! Then, by Jove, I _did_ collar the wrong gee +during that scrimmage at the brook!" + + * * * * * + +AT OUR OPENING MEET + +_Stranger from over the water._ "I guess you've a mighty smart bunch of +dogs there, m'lord!" + +_Noble but crusty M.F.H._ "Then you guess wrong, sir. _This is a pack of +hounds!_" + + * * * * * + +MUST BE HUNGRY + +"Wish you'd feed your horse before he comes out." + +"Eh--why--hang it!--what do you mean?" + +"He's always trying to eat my boots. He evidently thinks there's some +chance of getting at a little corn!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RETORT COURTEOUS + +(_A Reminiscence of the past Harrier Season_) + +_Major Topknot, M.H._ (_to butcher's boy_). "Hi! Hulloah! Have you seen my +hare?" + +_Butcher's Boy._ "Ga-a-rn! 'Ave you seen my whiskers?"] + + * * * * * + +DISINTERESTED KINDNESS + +_Sportsman_ (_just come to grief, to Kindhearted Stranger who has captured +horse_). "I say, I'm awfully obliged to you! I can get on all right, so +please don't wait!" + +_Kindhearted Stranger._ "Oh, I'd rather, thanks! I want you to flatten +the next fence for me!" + + * * * * * + +ENCOURAGING + +_Nervous Man_ (_who hires his hunters_). "Know anything about this mare? +Ringbone tells me she's as clever as a man!" + +_Friend._ "Clever as a man? Clever as a woman more like it! Seen her +play some fine old games with two or three fellows, I can tell you!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NUNC AUT NUNQUAM + +_Voice from bottom of ditch._ "Hold hard a minute! My money has slipped +out of my pockets, and it's all down here somewhere!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A REFORMED CHARACTER + +_John._ "Goin' to give up 'untin'! Deary! deary! An' 'ow's that, +missie?" + +_Little Miss Di._ "Well, you see, John, I find my cousin Charlie, who is +going to be a curate, does not approve of hunting women, so I intend to +be a district visitor instead!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOTTOES; OR, "WHO'S WHO?" + +Mrs. Prettyphat. Family Motto--"_Medici jussu_."] + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING LIKE A CHARACTER + +_Huntsman_ (_on being introduced to future wife of M.F.H._). "Proud to +make your acquaintance, miss! Known the Capting, miss, for nigh on ten +seasons, and never saw 'im turn 'is 'ead from hanything as was jumpable! +Knows a 'oss and knows a 'ound! Can ride one and 'unt t'other; and if +that ain't as much as can be looked for in a 'usband, miss, why, I'll be +jiggered!" + + * * * * * + +A LIBERAL ALLOWANCE + +_Huntsman_ (_who has just drawn Mr. Van Wyck's coverts blank_). "Rather +short of cubs, I'm afraid, sir!" + +_Mr. Van Wyck_ (_who has very recently acquired his country seat_). "Most +extraordinary! Can't understand it at all! Why, I told my keeper to +order a dozen only last week!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STORIES WITHOUT WORDS + +How "the second horseman" went home.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Scene--_As above._ Time--_Mid-day._ Sport--_None up to +now._ + +_Stout Party_ (_about to leave_). "Most extr'ordinary thing. Whenever I go +home, they always have a rattling good run." + +_Candid Friend._ "Then, for goodness' sake, _go home at once!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOST EXTRAORDINARY + +_Dismounted Sportsman._ "Now, how the deuce did my hat manage to get up +there?"] + + * * * * * + +STRAIGHT + +_Huntsman_ (_to Boy, who is riding his second horse_). "Hi, there! What +the doose are yer doin' of with that second 'oss?" + +_Boy_ (_Irish, and only just come to the Hunt stables from a Racing +Establishment_). "Arrah thin, if oi roides oi roides to win! and divil a +second is he goin' to be at all, at all!!" + + * * * * * + +FORBEARANCE + +_Member of Hunt_ (_to Farmer_). "I wouldn't ride over those seeds if I +were you. They belong to a disagreeable sort of fellow, who might make a +fuss about it." + +_Farmer._ "Well, sir, as him's me, he won't say nothing about it +to-day." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: (_Extract from a letter received by Mr. Shootall on the +morning when hounds were expected to draw his covers_) + +_Leadenhall Market, Thursday._ + +Sir,--Your esteemed order to hand. We regret that we are quite out of +foxes at present; but, as you mentioned they were for children's pets, +we thought guinea pigs might do instead, so are sending half a dozen +to-day. Hoping, &c., &c.] + + * * * * * + +TOO MUCH + +(_Pity the Sorrows of a poor Hunting Man!_) + +_Sportsman_ (_suffering from intense aberration of mind in consequence of +the weather, in reply to wife of his bosom_). "Put out? Why, o' course +I'm put out. Been just through the village, and hang me if at least half +a dozen fools haven't told me that it's nice seasonable weather!" + + * * * * * + +AT THE HUNT BALL + +_Mr. Hardhit._ "Don't you think, Miss Highflier, that men look much +better in pink--less like waiters?" + +_Miss Highflier._ "Yes, but more like ringmasters--eh?" + + [_Hardhit isn't a bit offended, but seizes the opportunity._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HINTS TO BEGINNERS + +In mounting your horse, always stand facing his tail.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The patent pneumatic tennis-ball hunting costume. Falling +a pleasure.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Second Whip._ "G-aw-ne away!" + +_Middle-aged Diana._ "Go on away, indeed! Impertinence! I'll go just +when I'm ready!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CASE OF REAL DISTRESS + +_Fox-hunter._ "Here's a bore, Jack! The ground is half a foot thick with +snow, and it's freezing like mad!"] + + * * * * * + +THE HUNTSMAN'S POINT OF VIEW. + +One of the best runs of the season. + +Good scent all the way. + +Sir Heavistone Stogdon unfortunately fell at a stiff bank and broke his +collar-bone. + +At the last moment, I regret to say, the fox got away. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FOX HUNT + +(_After a tapestry_) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BUGGLES WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSET + +He encounters a "coomb," and wonders if it is soft at the bottom.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSET + +_Sportsman_ (_from the bog_). "Confound you, didn't you say there was a +sound bottom here?" + +_Shepherd._ "Zo there be, maister; but thou 'aven't got down to un +yet!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BUGGLES WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSET + +How he found a "Warrantable Deer."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BUGGLES WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSET + +_In_ Devonshire.] + + * * * * * + +FOOLS AND THEIR MONEY-- + +_Jones_ (_who has been having a fair bucketing for the last half-hour, as +he passes friend, in his mad career_). "I'd give a fiver to get off this +brute!" + +_Friend_ (_brutal_). "Don't chuck your money away, old chap! You'll be +off for less than that!" + + * * * * * + +WITH THE QUEEN'S + +_Leading Sportsman._ "Hold ha--rd! Here's some more of that confounded +barbed wire! Dashed if I don't think this country is mainly inhabited by +retired fishing-tackle makers!" + + [_Makes for nearest gate, followed by sympathetic field._ + + * * * * * + +HIS OPINION + +_Jenkinson_ (_to M.F.H., who dislikes being bothered_). "What do you think +of this horse?" (_No answer._) "Bred him myself, you know!" + +_M.F.H._ (_looking at horse out of corner of his eye_). "Umph! I thought +you couldn't have been such a silly idiot as to have _bought_ him!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE VOICE OF SPRING + +_Bibulous Binks._ "Gad, it's freezing again!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BLANK--BLANK--DAY] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHOSE FAULT? + +"He _can_ jump, but he _won't!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A VIEW HALLOO + +(_Hounds at fault_) + +_Whip_ (_bustling up to young Hodge, who has just begun to wave his cap +and sing out lustily_). "Now then, where is he?" + +_Young H._ "Yonder, sir! Acomin' across yonder!" + +_Whip._ "Get out, why there ain't no fox there stoopid!" + +_Young H._ "No, sir; but there be our Billy on his jackass!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Miss Nelly_ (_to her Slave, in the middle of the best +thing of the Season_). "Oh, Mr. Rowel, do you mind going back? I dropped +my whip at the last fence!"] + + * * * * * + +SEVERE + +_M.F.H._ (_to Youth from neighbouring Hunt, who has been making himself +very objectionable_). "Now, look here, young man. I go cub-hunting for +the purpose of educating _my own_ puppies. As you belong to another +pack, I'll thank you to take yourself home!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUNTING MEMORANDUM + +Appearance of things in general to a gentleman who has just turned a +complete somersault! + +_* &c., &c., represent sparks of divers beautiful colours._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LE SPORTMAN" + +"Hi!! Hi!! Stop ze chasse! I tomble--I faloff! _Stop ze fox!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CUBBING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS" + +_Half-awakened un-enthusiastic Sportsman_ (_who wished to go out +cub-hunting, but has entirely changed his mind, drowsily addressing +rather astonished burglar_). "Awright, old boy. Can't come with you this +morning. Too sleepy." + + [_Turns round and resumes deep sleep where he left off._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BROKEN PLEDGE + +_Sportsman on bank_ (_to Friend in brook_). "Hallo, Thompson, is that you? +Why, I thought you had joined the 'No Drinks in between Meals' Party!"] + + * * * * * + +"IN THE DIM AND DISTANT FUTURE" + +_First Sportsman_ (_cantering along easily_). "I say, we shall see you at +dinner on the nineteenth, shan't we?" + +_Second Ditto_ (_whose horse is very fresh, and bolting with him_). "If +the beast goes on like this--hanged if you'll ever see me again." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THERE'S LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET + +_Ex-M.F.H._ (_eighty-nine and paralytic_). "Fora-a-d! Fora-a-d! +Fora-a-a-d!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Huntsman_ (_making a cast for the line of the fox, near a +railway_). "Hold hard, please! Don't ride over the line!" + +_Would-be Thrusters._ "Oh, no, we won't. There's a bridge farther on!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "RANK BLASPHEMY" + +_Squire Oldboy, M.H._ (_enjoying a long and very slow hunt_). "There she +goes! Afraid it's a new hare though." + +_Bored Sportsman._ "How lucky! The other must be getting doosid old."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CHECK + +_Huntsman._ "Seen the fox, my boy?" + +_Boy._ "No, I ain't!" + +_Huntsman._ "Then, what are you hollarin' for?" + +_Boy_ (_who has been scaring rooks_). "'Cos I'm paid for it!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EASIER SAID THAN DONE + +_Sixteen-stone Sportsman (who has been nearly put down from a "rotten" +landing, to little Bricks, 9st. 2lb.)_: "Do you mind putting me back in +the saddle, sir?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TROUBLES OF AN M.F.H. + +_M.F.H._ (_to stranger, who is violently gesticulating to hounds_). "When +you have done _feeding your chickens_, sir, perhaps you will allow me to +hunt my hounds!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Nobody was near hounds in the big wood when they pulled +down the cub except Mr. Tinkler and his inamorata. He rashly volunteers +to secure the brush for her!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Morning, Tom. What a beastly day!" + +"It ain't a day, sir. I call it an interval between two bloomin' +nights!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BAD LOOK-OUT + +_Sportsman_ (_to Friend whom he has mounted_). "For goodness' sake, old +chap, don't let her put you down! She's certain to savage you!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ECHOES OF THE CHASE + +_Huntsman_ (_who has been having a very bad ride_). "Either master wants +some new 'orses or a new 'untsman!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HINTS ON HUNTING + +Always see that your bridle reins are sound. There are times when they +have a considerable strain on 'em!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO FAR, NO FARTHER + +Extraordinary position assumed by Mr. Snoodle on the sudden and +unexpected refusal of his horse.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HARD LUCK + +_Small Child_ (_to Mr. Sparkin, who had come out at an unusually early +hour in order to meet his inamorata at the guide-post, and pilot her out +cub-hunting_). "I was to tell you she has such a bad cold she couldn't +come. But I'm going with you instead, if you promise to take care of me. +I'm her cousin, you know!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PSEUDO-THRUSTER + +_Farmer_ (_to Sportsman, returning from the chase_). "Beg pardon, sir, but +ain't you the gent that broke down that there gate of mine this +morning?" + +_Mr. Noodel_ (_who never by any chance jumps anything--frightfully +pleased_). "Er--did I? Well, how much is the damage?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WATER TEST + +_Whip_ (_bringing on tail hounds, in the rear of the field_). "Hulloah! +Who've you got there?" + +_Runner_ (_who has just assisted sportsman out of a muddy ditch_). "Dunno. +Can't tell till we've washed 'im down a bit!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOST UNFORTUNATE + +Horrible catastrophe which happened to Captain Fussey (our ladies' man) +on his arrival at the opening meet. New coat, new boots, new horse, new +everything! Hard luck!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SEVERE TEST + +_Miss Sally_ (_who has just taken off her mackintosh--to ardent admirer_). +"Look! they're away! Do just stuff this thing into your pocket. I'm sure +I shan't want it again!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A STUDY IN EXPRESSION + +_Irate M.F.H._ (_who has had half an hour in the big gorse trying to get a +faint-hearted fox away, galloping to "holloa" on the far side of +covert_). _"Confound you and your pony, sir! Get out of my way!"_ + + [_Binks, who has been trying to keep out of people's way all day, + thinks he can quite understand the feelings of the hunted fox._ + + ] + + * * * * * + +OUR HUNT "POINT TO POINT" + +Last week our Point to Point steeplechase came off. So did several of +the riders: this merely _par parenthese_. I offered to mark out the +course, and, as I intended to escape the dread ordeal of riding by +scratching my horse at the last moment, I thought it would be great fun +to choose a very stiff, not to say bloodthirsty, line. Awful grumbling +on the part of those unhappy ones who were to ride. Just as the bell +rang for saddling, Captain Sproozer, ready dressed for the fray, came up +to me with very long face, and said, "Beastly line this, you know, +Phunker. I call it much too stiff." + +I smiled in pitying and superior manner. "Think so, my dear Sproozer? My +horse can't run, worse luck, but I only wish _I_ were going to have the +gallop over it." + +"So you shall, then!" cried a rasping voice, suddenly, from behind me. +Sir Hercules Blizzard was the speaker, an awful man with an awful +temper. "So you shall. My idiot of a jockey broke his collar-bone trying +to jump one of the fences on this confounded course of yours to-day, so, +as I am without a rider, you shall ride my mare Dinah." + +Swallowed lump in my throat as I thanked him for his offer, but thought +I had better decline, as I didn't know the mare, and besides that, I---- + +"Oh! all right, I know what you are going to say: that you're not much +good on a horse"--(nothing of the sort! I was not going to say any such +thing, confound the man!) "Of course, I know all that, and that you're +not much of a rider; but I can't help myself now. It's too late to get a +decent horseman, so I shall have to make shift with you." + +Deuced condescending of him. I made a feeble effort to escape, and would +cheerfully have paid a hundred pounds for the chance of doing so. Phil +Poundaway, great friend of mine, came up and said (sympathetically, as I +thought at first), "I should think you'd prefer to get off it, wouldn't +you, Phunker?" + +Thought he would volunteer in my place, so was perfectly frank with him. +"My dear Phil, I'd give a hundred to get off----" + +"Ah! you will, I expect, at the first fence, without paying the money!" +he grinned, as he turned away. + +Murder was in my heart at that moment. I got on Dinah, and, feeling like +death, rode down to the starting-post. Thoughts of a misspent youth, of +home and friends and things, came o'er me. I seemed once more to see the +little rose-covered porch, the---- + +"What on earth are you mooning about?" thundered the Blizzardian voice +in my ear. "Take hold of her head tighter than that, or you'll be off!" + +The next moment the starter yelled "Go!" and away, like a whirlwind, we +sped across the first field, towards a huge, thick blackthorn fence, the +one I had thought to see such fun with. Fun! I never felt less funny in +my life, as we approached it at the rate of two thousand miles an hour! +The mare jumped high, but I jumped much higher, and seemed for a brief +moment to be soaring through the blue empyrean. Somehow, the mare +managed to evade me on the return journey earthwards, and, instead of +alighting on the saddle, I found myself "sitting on the floor." A +howl--it might have been of sympathy, but it didn't sound quite like +that--arose from the crowd, and then I thought that I would go home on +foot, instead of returning to explain matters to Sir Hercules. As a +matter of fact, I don't much care for associating with old Blizzard, at +all events, not just now. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AMENITIES OF SPORT + +_Huntsman_ (_to Whip, sent forward for a view_). "Haven't ye seen him, +Tom?" + +_Whip._ "No, sir." + +_Huntsman._ "If he'd been in a pint pot, ye jolly soon would!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HIS LITTLE DODGE + +_First Hunting Man_ (_having observed the ticket with "K" on it in his +friend's hat_). "I didn't know that old gee of yours was a kicker. He +looks quiet enough." + +_Second Hunting Man._ "Well, he isn't really. I only wear the "K" to +make people give me more room!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRUE COURAGE + +_Whip._ "Hi, sir! Keep back! The fox may break covert there!" + +_Foreigner._ "Bah! I fear him not--your fox."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FORCE OF HABIT + +_Spanner_ (_a great cyclist, whose horse has been startled by man on +covert hack_). "Hi! confound you! Why the deuce don't you sound your +bell!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE CART WITHOUT THE HORSE" + +Scene--_Cub-hunting._ Time--_About one o'clock._ + +_Lady._ "Well, Count, what have you lost? Your lunch?" + +_The Count_ (_who breakfasted some time before six o'clock, a.m._). "No, +no! Donner und wetter! I have him, but I have lost my teeth!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HORRIBLE PREDICAMENT + +_Gent_ (_on mettlesome hireling_). "'Elp! 'Elp! Somebody stop 'im! 'E's +going to jump, and I can't!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOST EMBARRASSING + +_Lady (hiding behind bush, to Mr. Spoodle, who has captured her horse)_. +"Oh, thank you so much! But I hope to goodness you have found my skirt +as well!" + + [_Nice position for Mr. Spoodle, who is very bashful, and has seen + nothing of the garment_. + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DO NOT SPEAK TO THE MAN AT THE WHEEL" + +_'Arry_ (_puffing a "twopenny smoke," to huntsman, making unsuccessful +cast_). "Very bad scent." + +_Huntsman._ "Shockin'! Smells like burnin' seaweed!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OBEYING ORDERS + +"It's all very well for master to say 'Keep close to Miss Vera, +Miles'--but I want to know 'oo's going to take Miles to the +'orsepital?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GALLANTRY REWARDED + +_Lady_ (_having had a fall at a brook, and come out the wrong side,--to +stranger who has caught her horse_). "Oh, I'm _so_ much obliged to you! +Now, do you mind just bringing him over?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JUST OFF + +"Ride her on the snaffle, Tom! Don't ride her on the curb!" + +"Hang your curb and snaffle! I've enough to do to _ride her on the +saddle!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A Suggestion: No more trouble from wire, damage to +fences, etc.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TRIALS OF AN M.F.H. + +_M.F.H._ (_to misguided enthusiast who has been cheering hounds on a bad +scent_). "Now then! Am I going to hunt the hounds or are you?" + +_Enthusiast_ (_sweetly_). "Just as you please, m'lord, just as you +please."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OFF HIS GUARD + +_Farmer_ (_just coming up_). "Young gentleman riding your brown horse, my +lord, had nasty accident a field or two back. Barbed wire--very ugly +cuts!" + +_My Lord._ "Tut--tut--tut! Dear--dear--dear! Not the horse, I hope?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BON VOYAGE!" + +_Mossu (shot into a nice soft loam), exultingly._ "A--ha--a! I am safe +o-vere! Now it is your turn, Meester Timbre Jompre! Come on, sare!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON THE WAY HOME FROM THE EXMOOR HUNT--NO KILL + +THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BRIDGE + +_Fair Huntress._ "What a pity the hounds let that splendid stag get +away, Colonel, wasn't it?" + +_Colonel._ "Pity! Ha, if they'd only taken my advice we should have been +up with him now, instead of being miles away on the wrong track!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Distinguished Foreigner_ (_to good Samaritan who has +caught his horse_). "Merci bien, monsieur! You save me much trouble. +Before, I lose my horse--I lose him altogether, and I must put him in +the newspaper!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VIVE LA CHASSE! + +_Foreign Visitor_ (_an enthusiastic "sportsman," viewing fox attempting to +break_). "A-h-h-h! Halte-la! Halte! _You shall not escape!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RATHER TOO MUCH + +_Lady_ (_having just cannoned Stranger into brook_). "Oh, I'm _so_ sorry I +bumped you! Would you mind going in again for my hat?"] + + * * * * * + +THE END OF THE HUNTING SEASON + +(_By Our Own Novice_) + + Good-bye to the season! E'en gluttons + Have had quite enough of the game, + And if we returned to our muttons, + Our horses are laid up and lame. + We hunted straight on through the winter, + And never were stopped by the frost, + As I know right well from each splinter + Of bone that my poor limbs have lost. + + Good-bye to the season! The "croppers" + I got where the fences were tall, + And Oh the immaculate "toppers" + That always were crushed by my fall. + Don't think though that I'm so stout-hearted + As e'er to jump hedges or dikes, + It's simply that after we've started, + My "gee" gallivants as it likes. + + In vain I put on natty breeches, + And tops like Meltonian swell, + It ends in the blessed old ditches, + I know like the Clubs in Pall Mall. + + And when from a "gee" that's unruly + I fall with a terrible jar, + I know that old _Jorrocks_ spoke truly, + And hunting's "the image of war." + + And never for me "_Fair Diana_" + Shall smile as we know that she can, + With looks that are sweeter than manna, + On many a fortunate man. + It adds to the pangs that I suffer, + When thrown at a fence in her track, + To hear her "Ridiculous duffer!" + When jumping slap over my back. + + I've fractured my ulnar, I'm aching + Where over my ribs my horse rolled; + Egad! the "Old Berkeley" is making + One man feel uncommonly old. + Good-bye to the season! I'm shattered + And damaged in figure and face; + But thankful to find I'm not scattered + In pieces all over the place! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HINTS TO BEGINNERS + +Good hands will often make the most confirmed refuser jump.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRULY DELIGHTFUL! + +Galloping down the side of a field covered with mole-hills, on a +weak-necked horse, with a snaffle bridle, one foot out of your stirrup, +and a bit of mud in your eye!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SELF-PRESERVATION + +_Tomlin_ (_who has been mounted by friend_). "It's all very well to shout +'Loose your reins,' but what the deuce _am_ I to hang on to?"] + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE DISH FOR A SPORTSMAN.--A plate o' _f_ox-tail soup. + + * * * * * + +THE RULE OF THE HUNTING-FIELD.--Lex Tally-ho-nis. + + * * * * * + +FASHIONABLE FOOD FOR HORSES.--Hay _a la_ mowed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUOTATIONS GONE WRONG + + "Life has passed + With me but roughly since I heard thee last." + _Cowper._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL HER PLAY + +_Country Gentleman_ (_to nervous man, whom he has mounted_). "By Jove, +old chap, never saw the mare so fresh! Take care you ain't off!" + +_Nervous Man_ (_heartily_). "W--w--wish to goodness I were!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HINTS TO BEGINNERS + +Always let your horse see that you are his master.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE END + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Mr. Punch in the Hunting Field, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH IN THE HUNTING FIELD *** + +***** This file should be named 39160.txt or 39160.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/1/6/39160/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |