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Orson + Book I. + + + +INTRODUCTION. + +Among the notable books of later times-we may say, without exaggeration, +of all time--must be reckoned The Confessions of Jean Jacques Rousseau. +It deals with leading personages and transactions of a momentous epoch, +when absolutism and feudalism were rallying for their last struggle +against the modern spirit, chiefly represented by Voltaire, the +Encyclopedists, and Rousseau himself--a struggle to which, after many +fierce intestine quarrels and sanguinary wars throughout Europe and +America, has succeeded the prevalence of those more tolerant and rational +principles by which the statesmen of our own day are actuated. + +On these matters, however, it is not our province to enlarge; nor is it +necessary to furnish any detailed account of our author's political, +religious, and philosophic axioms and systems, his paradoxes and his +errors in logic: these have been so long and so exhaustively disputed +over by contending factions that little is left for even the most +assiduous gleaner in the field. The inquirer will find, in Mr. John +Money's excellent work, the opinions of Rousseau reviewed succinctly and +impartially. The 'Contrat Social', the 'Lattres Ecrites de la Montagne', +and other treatises that once aroused fierce controversy, may therefore +be left in the repose to which they have long been consigned, so far as +the mass of mankind is concerned, though they must always form part of +the library of the politician and the historian. One prefers to turn to +the man Rousseau as he paints himself in the remarkable work before us. + +That the task which he undertook in offering to show himself--as Persius +puts it--'Intus et in cute', to posterity, exceeded his powers, is a +trite criticism; like all human enterprises, his purpose was only +imperfectly fulfilled; but this circumstance in no way lessens the +attractive qualities of his book, not only for the student of history or +psychology, but for the intelligent man of the world. Its startling +frankness gives it a peculiar interest wanting in most other +autobiographies. + +Many censors have elected to sit in judgment on the failings of this +strangely constituted being, and some have pronounced upon him very +severe sentences. Let it be said once for all that his faults and +mistakes were generally due to causes over which he had but little +control, such as a defective education, a too acute sensitiveness, which +engendered suspicion of his fellows, irresolution, an overstrained sense +of honour and independence, and an obstinate refusal to take advice from +those who really wished to befriend him; nor should it be forgotten that +he was afflicted during the greater part of his life with an incurable +disease. + +Lord Byron had a soul near akin to Rousseau's, whose writings naturally +made a deep impression on the poet's mind, and probably had an influence +on his conduct and modes of thought: In some stanzas of 'Childe Harold' +this sympathy is expressed with truth and power; especially is the +weakness of the Swiss philosopher's character summed up in the following +admirable lines: + + "Here the self-torturing sophist, wild Rousseau, + The apostle of affliction, he who threw + Enchantment over passion, and from woe + Wrung overwhelming eloquence, first drew + The breath which made him wretched; yet he knew + How to make madness beautiful, and cast + O'er erring deeds and thoughts a heavenly hue + Of words, like sunbeams, dazzling as they passed + The eyes, which o'er them shed tears feelingly and fast. + + "His life was one long war with self-sought foes, + Or friends by him self-banished; for his mind + Had grown Suspicion's sanctuary, and chose, + For its own cruel sacrifice, the kind, + 'Gainst whom he raged with fury strange and blind. + But he was frenzied,-wherefore, who may know? + Since cause might be which skill could never find; + But he was frenzied by disease or woe + To that worst pitch of all, which wears a reasoning show." + +One would rather, however, dwell on the brighter hues of the picture than +on its shadows and blemishes; let us not, then, seek to "draw his +frailties from their dread abode." His greatest fault was his +renunciation of a father's duty to his offspring; but this crime he +expiated by a long and bitter repentance. We cannot, perhaps, very +readily excuse the way in which he has occasionally treated the memory of +his mistress and benefactress. That he loved Madame de Warens--his +'Mamma'--deeply and sincerely is undeniable, notwithstanding which he now +and then dwells on her improvidence and her feminine indiscretions with +an unnecessary and unbecoming lack of delicacy that has an unpleasant +effect on the reader, almost seeming to justify the remark of one of his +most lenient critics--that, after all, Rousseau had the soul of a lackey. +He possessed, however, many amiable and charming qualities, both as a man +and a writer, which were evident to those amidst whom he lived, and will +be equally so to the unprejudiced reader of the Confessions. He had a +profound sense of justice and a real desire for the improvement and +advancement of the race. Owing to these excellences he was beloved to +the last even by persons whom he tried to repel, looking upon them as +members of a band of conspirators, bent upon destroying his domestic +peace and depriving him of the means of subsistence. + +Those of his writings that are most nearly allied in tone and spirit to +the 'Confessions' are the 'Reveries d'un Promeneur Solitaire' and +'La Nouvelle Heloise'. His correspondence throws much light on his life +and character, as do also parts of 'Emile'. It is not easy in our day to +realize the effect wrought upon the public mind by the advent of +'La Nouvelle Heloise'. Julie and Saint-Preux became names to conjure +with; their ill-starred amours were everywhere sighed and wept over by +the tender-hearted fair; indeed, in composing this work, Rousseau may be +said to have done for Switzerland what the author of the Waverly Novels +did for Scotland, turning its mountains, lakes and islands, formerly +regarded with aversion, into a fairyland peopled with creatures whose +joys and sorrows appealed irresistibly to every breast. Shortly after +its publication began to flow that stream of tourists and travellers +which tends to make Switzerland not only more celebrated but more opulent +every year. It, is one of the few romances written in the epistolary +form that do not oppress the reader with a sense of languor and +unreality; for its creator poured into its pages a tide of passion +unknown to his frigid and stilted predecessors, and dared to depict +Nature as she really is, not as she was misrepresented by the modish +authors and artists of the age. Some persons seem shy of owning an +acquaintance with this work; indeed, it has been made the butt of +ridicule by the disciples of a decadent school. Its faults and its +beauties are on the surface; Rousseau's own estimate is freely expressed +at the beginning of the eleventh book of the Confessions and elsewhere. +It might be wished that the preface had been differently conceived and +worded; for the assertion made therein that the book may prove dangerous +has caused it to be inscribed on a sort of Index, and good folk who never +read a line of it blush at its name. Its "sensibility," too, is a little +overdone, and has supplied the wits with opportunities for satire; for +example, Canning, in his 'New Morality': + + "Sweet Sensibility, who dwells enshrined + In the fine foldins of the feeling mind.... + Sweet child of sickly Fancy!-her of yore + From her loved France Rousseau to exile bore; + And while 'midst lakes and mountains wild he ran, + Full of himself, and shunned the haunts of man, + Taught her o'er each lone vale and Alpine, steep + To lisp the story of his wrongs and weep." + +As might be imagined, Voltaire had slight sympathy with our social +reformer's notions and ways of promulgating them, and accordingly took +up his wonted weapons--sarcasm and ridicule--against poor Jean-Jacques. +The quarrels of these two great men cannot be described in this place; +but they constitute an important chapter in the literary and social +history of the time. In the work with which we are immediately +concerned, the author seems to avoid frequent mention of Voltaire, even +where we should most expect it. However, the state of his mind when he +penned this record of his life should be always remembered in relation to +this as well as other occurrences. + +Rousseau had intended to bring his autobiography down to a later date, +but obvious causes prevented this: hence it is believed that a summary of +the chief events that marked his closing years will not be out of place +here. + +On quitting the Ile de Saint-Pierre he travelled to Strasbourg, where he +was warmly received, and thence to Paris, arriving in that city on +December I6, 1765. The Prince de Conti provided him with a lodging in +the Hotel Saint-Simon, within the precincts of the Temple--a place of +sanctuary for those under the ban of authority. 'Every one was eager to +see the illustrious proscript, who complained of being made a daily show, +"like Sancho Panza in his island of Barataria." During his short stay in +the capital there was circulated an ironical letter purporting to come +from the Great Frederick, but really written by Horace Walpole. This +cruel, clumsy, and ill-timed joke angered Rousseau, who ascribed it to, +Voltaire. A few sentences may be quoted: + + "My Dear Jean-Jacques,--You have renounced Geneva, your native + place. You have caused your expulsion from Switzerland, a country + so extolled in your writings; France has issued a warrant against + you: so do you come to me. My states offer you a peaceful retreat. + I wish you well, and will treat you well, if you will let me. But, + if you persist in refusing my help, do not reckon upon my telling + any one that you did so. If you are bent on tormenting your spirit + to find new misfortunes, choose whatever you like best. I am a + king, and can procure them for you at your pleasure; and, what will + certainly never happen to you in respect of your enemies, I will + cease to persecute you as soon as you cease to take a pride in being + persecuted. Your good friend, + "FREDERICK." + + +Early in 1766 David Hume persuaded Rousseau to go with him to England, +where the exile could find a secure shelter. In London his appearance +excited general attention. Edmund Burke had an interview with him and +held that inordinate vanity was the leading trait in his character. +Mr. Davenport, to whom he was introduced by Hume, generously offered +Rousseau a home at Wootton, in Staffordshire, near the, Peak Country; the +latter, however, would only accept the offer on condition that he should +pay a rent of L 30 a year. He was accorded a pension of L 100 by George +III., but declined to draw after the first annual payment. The climate +and scenery of Wootton being similar to those of his native country, he +was at first delighted with his new abode, where he lived with Therese, +and devoted his time to herborising and inditing the first six books of +his Confessions. Soon, however, his old hallucinations acquired +strength, and Rousseau convinced himself that enemies were bent upon his +capture, if not his death. In June, 1766, he wrote a violent letter to +Hume, calling him "one of the worst of men." Literary Paris had combined +with Hume and the English Government to surround him--as he supposed-- +with guards and spies; he revolved in his troubled mind all the reports +and rumours he had heard for months and years; Walpole's forged letter +rankled in his bosom; and in the spring of 1767 he fled; first to +Spalding, in Lincolnshire, and subsequently to Calais, where he landed in +May. + +On his arrival in France his restless and wandering disposition forced +him continually to change his residence, and acquired for him the title +of "Voyageur Perpetuel." While at Trye, in Gisors, in 1767--8, he wrote +the second part of the Confessions. He had assumed the surname of Renou, +and about this time he declared before two witnesses that Therese was his +wife--a proceeding to which he attached the sanctity of marriage. In +1770 he took up his abode in Paris, where he lived continuously for seven +years, in a street which now bears his name, and gained a living by +copying music. Bernardin de Saint-Pierre, the author of 'Paul and +Virginia', who became acquainted with him in 1772, has left some +interesting particulars of Rousseau's daily mode of life at this period. +Monsieur de Girardin having offered him an asylum at Ermemonville in the +spring of 1778, he and Therese went thither to reside, but for no long +time. On the 3d of July, in the same year, this perturbed spirit at last +found rest, stricken by apoplexy. A rumor that he had committed suicide +was circulated, but the evidence of trustworthy witnesses, including a +physician, effectually contradicts this accusation. His remains, first +interred in the Ile des Peupliers, were, after the Revolution, removed to +the Pantheon. In later times the Government of Geneva made some +reparation for their harsh treatment of a famous citizen, and erected his +statue, modelled by his compatriot, Pradier, on an island in the Rhone. + + "See nations, slowly wise and meanly just, + To buried merit raise the tardy bust." + +November, 1896. + S. W. ORSON. + + + + + + THE CONFESSIONS + + OF + + J. J. ROUSSEAU + + +BOOK I. + +I have entered upon a performance which is without example, whose +accomplishment will have no imitator. I mean to present my fellow- +mortals with a man in all the integrity of nature; and this man shall be +myself. + +I know my heart, and have studied mankind; I am not made like any one I +have been acquainted with, perhaps like no one in existence; if not +better, I at least claim originality, and whether Nature did wisely in +breaking the mould with which she formed me, can only be determined after +having read this work. + +Whenever the last trumpet shall sound, I will present myself before the +sovereign judge with this book in my hand, and loudly proclaim, thus have +I acted; these were my thoughts; such was I. With equal freedom and +veracity have I related what was laudable or wicked, I have concealed no +crimes, added no virtues; and if I have sometimes introduced superfluous +ornament, it was merely to occupy a void occasioned by defect of memory: +I may have supposed that certain, which I only knew to be probable, but +have never asserted as truth, a conscious falsehood. Such as I was, I +have declared myself; sometimes vile and despicable, at others, virtuous, +generous and sublime; even as thou hast read my inmost soul: Power +eternal! assemble round thy throne an innumerable throng of my fellow- +mortals, let them listen to my confessions, let them blush at my +depravity, let them tremble at my sufferings; let each in his turn expose +with equal sincerity the failings, the wanderings of his heart, and, if +he dare, aver, I was better than that man. + +I was born at Geneva, in 1712, son of Isaac Rousseau and Susannah +Bernard, citizens. My father's share of a moderate competency, which was +divided among fifteen children, being very trivial, his business of a +watchmaker (in which he had the reputation of great ingenuity) was his +only dependence. My mother's circumstances were more affluent; she was +daughter of a Mons. Bernard, minister, and possessed a considerable share +of modesty and beauty; indeed, my father found some difficulty in +obtaining her hand. + +The affection they entertained for each other was almost as early as +their existence; at eight or nine years old they walked together every +evening on the banks of the Treille, and before they were ten, could not +support the idea of separation. A natural sympathy of soul confined +those sentiments of predilection which habit at first produced; born with +minds susceptible of the most exquisite sensibility and tenderness, it +was only necessary to encounter similar dispositions; that moment +fortunately presented itself, and each surrendered a willing heart. + +The obstacles that opposed served only to give a decree of vivacity to +their affection, and the young lover, not being able to obtain his +mistress, was overwhelmed with sorrow and despair. She advised him to +travel--to forget her. He consented--he travelled, but returned more +passionate than ever, and had the happiness to find her equally constant, +equally tender. After this proof of mutual affection, what could they +resolve?--to dedicate their future lives to love! the resolution was +ratified with a vow, on which Heaven shed its benediction. + +Fortunately, my mother's brother, Gabriel Bernard, fell in love with one +of my father's sisters; she had no objection to the match, but made the +marriage of his sister with her brother an indispensable preliminary. +Love soon removed every obstacle, and the two weddings were celebrated +the same day: thus my uncle became the husband of my aunt, and their +children were doubly cousins german. Before a year was expired, both had +the happiness to become fathers, but were soon after obliged to submit to +a separation. + +My uncle Bernard, who was an engineer, went to serve in the empire and +Hungary, under Prince Eugene, and distinguished himself both at the siege +and battle of Belgrade. My father, after the birth of my only brother, +set off, on recommendation, for Constantinople, and was appointed +watchmaker to the Seraglio. During his absence, the beauty, wit, and +accomplishments-- + + [They were too brilliant for her situation, the minister, her + father, having bestowed great pains on her education. She was aught + drawing, singing, and to play on the theorbo; had learning, and + wrote very agreeable verses. The following is an extempore piece + which she composed in the absence of her husband and brother, in a + conversation with some person relative to them, while walking with + her sister--in--law, and their two children: + + Ces deux messieurs, qui sont absens, + Nous sont chers e bien des manieres; + Ce sont nos amiss, nos amans, + Ce sont nos maris et nos freres, + Et les peres de ces enfans. + + These absent ones, who just claim + Our hearts, by every tender name, + To whom each wish extends + Our husbands and our brothers are, + The fathers of this blooming pair, + Our lovers and our friends.] + +of my mother attracted a number of admirers, among whom Mons. de la +Closure, Resident of France, was the most assiduous in his attentions. +His passion must have been extremely violent, since after a period of +thirty years I have seen him affected at the very mention of her name. +My mother had a defence more powerful even than her virtue; she tenderly +loved my father, and conjured him to return; his inclination seconding +his request, he gave up every prospect of emolument, and hastened to +Geneva. + +I was the unfortunate fruit of this return, being born ten months after, +in a very weakly and infirm state; my birth cost my mother her life, and +was the first of my misfortunes. I am ignorant how my father supported +her loss at that time, but I know he was ever after inconsolable. In me +he still thought he saw her he so tenderly lamented, but could never +forget I had been the innocent cause of his misfortune, nor did he ever +embrace me, but his sighs, the convulsive pressure of his arms, witnessed +that a bitter regret mingled itself with his caresses, though, as may be +supposed, they were not on this account less ardent. When he said to me, +"Jean Jacques, let us talk of your mother," my usual reply was, "Yes, +father, but then, you know, we shall cry," and immediately the tears +started from his eyes. "Ah!" exclaimed he, with agitation, "Give me back +my wife; at least console me for her loss; fill up, dear boy, the void +she has left in my soul. Could I love thee thus wert thou only my son?" +Forty years after this loss he expired in the arms of his second wife, +but the name of the first still vibrated on his lips, still was her image +engraved on his heart. + +Such were the authors of my being: of all the gifts it had pleased Heaven +to bestow on them, a feeling heart was the only one that descended to me; +this had been the source of their felicity, it was the foundation of all +my misfortunes. + +I came into the world with so few signs of life, that they entertained +but little hope of preserving me, with the seeds of a disorder that has +gathered strength with years, and from which I am now relieved at +intervals, only to suffer a different, though more intolerable evil. +I owed my preservation to one of my father's sisters, an amiable and +virtuous girl, who took the most tender care of me; she is yet living, +nursing, at the age of four--score, a husband younger than herself, but +worn out with excessive drinking. Dear aunt! I freely forgive your +having preserved my life, and only lament that it is not in my power to +bestow on the decline of your days the tender solicitude and care you +lavished on the first dawn of mine. My nurse, Jaqueline, is likewise +living: and in good health--the hands that opened my eyes to the light of +this world may close them at my death. We suffer before we think; it is +the common lot of humanity. I experienced more than my proportion of it. +I have no knowledge of what passed prior to my fifth or sixth year; I +recollect nothing of learning to read, I only remember what effect the +first considerable exercise of it produced on my mind; and from that +moment I date an uninterrupted knowledge of myself. + +Every night, after supper, we read some part of a small collection of +romances which had been my mother's. My father's design was only to +improve me in reading, and he thought these entertaining works were +calculated to give me a fondness for it; but we soon found ourselves so +interested in the adventures they contained, that we alternately read +whole nights together, and could not bear to give over until at the +conclusion of a volume. Sometimes, in a morning, on hearing the swallows +at our window, my father, quite ashamed of this weakness, would cry, +"Come, come, let us go to bed; I am more a child than thou art." + +I soon acquired, by this dangerous custom, not only an extreme facility +in reading and comprehending, but, for my age, a too intimate +acquaintance with the passions. An infinity of sensations were familiar +to me, without possessing any precise idea of the objects to which they +related--I had conceived nothing--I had felt the whole. This confused +succession of emotions did not retard the future efforts of my reason, +though they added an extravagant, romantic notion of human life, which +experience and reflection have never been able to eradicate. + +My romance reading concluded with the summer of 1719, the following +winter was differently employed. My mother's library being quite +exhausted, we had recourse to that part of her father's which had +devolved to us; here we happily found some valuable books, which was by +no means extraordinary, having been selected by a minister that truly +deserved that title, in whom learning (which was the rage of the times) +was but a secondary commendation, his taste and good sense being most +conspicuous. The history of the Church and Empire by Le Sueur, +Bossuett's Discourses on Universal History, Plutarch's Lives, the history +of Venice by Nani, Ovid's Metamorphoses, La Bruyere, Fontenelle's World, +his Dialogues of the Dead, and a few volumes of Moliere, were soon ranged +in my father's closet, where, during the hours he was employed in his +business, I daily read them, with an avidity and taste uncommon, perhaps +unprecedented at my age. + +Plutarch presently became my greatest favorite. The satisfaction I +derived from repeated readings I gave this author, extinguished my +passion for romances, and I shortly preferred Agesilaus, Brutus, and +Aristides, to Orondates, Artemenes, and Juba. These interesting +studies, seconded by the conversations they frequently occasioned with my +father, produced that republican spirit and love of liberty, that haughty +and invincible turn of mind, which rendered me impatient of restraint or +servitude, and became the torment of my life, as I continually found +myself in situations incompatible with these sentiments. Incessantly +occupied with Rome and Athens, conversing, if I may so express myself +with their illustrious heroes; born the citizen of a republic, of a +father whose ruling passion was a love of his country, I was fired with +these examples; could fancy myself a Greek or Roman, and readily give +into the character of the personage whose life I read; transported by the +recital of any extraordinary instance of fortitude or intrepidity, +animation flashed from my eyes, and gave my voice additional strength and +energy. One day, at table, while relating the fortitude of Scoevola, +they were terrified at seeing me start from my seat and hold my hand over +a hot chafing--dish, to represent more forcibly the action of that +determined Roman. + +My brother, who was seven years older than myself, was brought up to my +father's profession. The extraordinary affection they lavished on me +might be the reason he was too much neglected: this certainly was a fault +which cannot be justified. His education and morals suffered by this +neglect, and he acquired the habits of a libertine before he arrived at +an age to be really one. My father tried what effect placing him with a +master would produce, but he still persisted in the same ill conduct. +Though I saw him so seldom that it could hardly be said we were +acquainted. I loved him tenderly, and believe he had as strong an +affection for me as a youth of his dissipated turn of mind could be +supposed capable of. One day, I remember, when my father was correcting +him severely, I threw myself between them, embracing my brother, whom I +covered with my body, receiving the strokes designed for him; I persisted +so obstinately in my protection, that either softened by my cries and +tears, or fearing to hurt me most, his anger subsided, and he pardoned +his fault. In the end, my brother's conduct became so bad that he +suddenly disappeared, and we learned some time after that he was in +Germany, but he never wrote to us, and from that day we heard no news of +him: thus I became an only son. + +If this poor lad was neglected, it was quite different with his brother, +for the children of a king could not be treated with more attention and +tenderness than were bestowed on my infancy, being the darling of the +family; and what is rather uncommon, though treated as a beloved, never +a spoiled child; was never permitted, while under paternal inspection, +to play in the street with other children; never had any occasion to +contradict or indulge those fantastical humors which are usually +attributed to nature, but are in reality the effects of an injudicious +education. I had the faults common to my age, was talkative, a glutton, +and sometimes a liar, made no scruple of stealing sweetmeats, fruits, +or, indeed, any kind of eatables; but never took delight in mischievous +waste, in accusing others, or tormenting harmless animals. I recollect, +indeed, that one day, while Madam Clot, a neighbor of ours, was gone to +church, I made water in her kettle: the remembrance even now makes me +smile, for Madame Clot (though, if you please, a good sort of creature) +was one of the most tedious grumbling old women I ever knew. Thus have I +given a brief, but faithful, history of my childish transgressions. + +How could I become cruel or vicious, when I had before my eyes only +examples of mildness, and was surrounded by some of the best people in +the world? My father, my aunt, my nurse, my relations, our friends, our +neighbors, all I had any connection with, did not obey me, it is true, +but loved me tenderly, and I returned their affection. I found so little +to excite my desires, and those I had were so seldom contradicted, that I +was hardly sensible of possessing any, and can solemnly aver I was an +absolute stranger to caprice until after I had experienced the authority +of a master. + +Those hours that were not employed in reading or writing with my father, +or walking with my governess, Jaqueline, I spent with my aunt; and +whether seeing her embroider, or hearing her sing, whether sitting or +standing by her side, I was ever happy. Her tenderness and unaffected +gayety, the charms of her figure and countenance have left such indelible +impressions on my mind, that her manner, look, and attitude are still +before my eyes; I recollect a thousand little caressing questions; could +describe her clothes, her head-dress, nor have the two curls of fine +black hair which hung on her temples, according to the mode of that time, +escaped my memory. + +Though my taste, or rather passion, for music, did not show itself until +a considerable time after, I am fully persuaded it is to her I am +indebted for it. She knew a great number of songs, which she sung with +great sweetness and melody. The serenity and cheerfulness which were +conspicuous in this lovely girl, banished melancholy, and made all round +her happy. + +The charms of her voice had such an effect on me, that not only several +of her songs have ever since remained on my memory, but some I have not +thought of from my infancy, as I grow old, return upon my mind with a +charm altogether inexpressible. Would any one believe that an old dotard +like me, worn out with care and infirmity, should sometime surprise +himself weeping like a child, and in a voice querulous, and broken by +age, muttering out one of those airs which were the favorites of my +infancy? There is one song in particular, whose tune I perfectly +recollect, but the words that compose the latter half of it constantly +refuse every effort to recall them, though I have a confused idea of the +rhymes. The beginning, with what I have been able to recollect of the +remainder, is as follows: + + Tircis, je n'ose + Ecouter ton Chalumeau + Sous l'Ormeau; + Car on en cause + Deja dans notre hameau. + ---- ---- ------- + ------ --- un Berger + s'engager + sans danger, + Et toujours l'epine est sons la rose. + + +I have endeavored to account for the invincible charm my heart feels on +the recollection of this fragment, but it is altogether inexplicable. +I only know, that before I get to the end of it, I always find my voice +interrupted by tenderness, and my eyes suffused with tears. I have a +hundred times formed the resolution of writing to Paris for the remainder +of these words, if any one should chance to know them: but I am almost +certain the pleasure I take in the recollection would be greatly +diminished was I assured any one but my poor aunt Susan had sung them. + +Such were my affections on entering this life. Thus began to form and +demonstrate itself, a heart, at once haughty and tender, a character +effeminate, yet invincible; which, fluctuating between weakness and +courage, luxury and virtue, has ever set me in contradiction to myself; +causing abstinence and enjoyment, pleasure and prudence, equally to shun +me. + +This course of education was interrupted by an accident, whose +consequences influenced the rest of my life. My father had a quarrel +with M. G----, who had a captain's commission in France, and was related +to several of the Council. This G----, who was an insolent, ungenerous +man, happening to bleed at the nose, in order to be revenged, accused my +father of having drawn his sword on him in the city, and in consequence +of this charge they were about to conduct him to prison. He insisted +(according to the law of this republic) that the accuser should be +confined at the same time; and not being able to obtain this, preferred a +voluntary banishment for the remainder of his life, to giving up a point +by which he must sacrifice his honor and liberty. + +I remained under the tuition of my uncle Bernard, who was at that time +employed in the fortifications of Geneva. He had lost his eldest +daughter, but had a son about my own age, and we were sent together to +Bossey, to board with the Minister Lambercier. Here we were to learn +Latin, with all the insignificant trash that has obtained the name of +education. + +Two years spent in this village softened, in some degree, my Roman +fierceness, and again reduced me to a state of childhood. At Geneva, +where nothing was exacted, I loved reading, which was, indeed, my +principal amusement; but, at Bossey, where application was expected, +I was fond of play as a relaxation. The country was so new, so charming +in my idea, that it seemed impossible to find satiety in its enjoyments, +and I conceived a passion for rural life, which time has not been able to +extinguish; nor have I ever ceased to regret the pure and tranquil +pleasures I enjoyed at this place in my childhood; the remembrance having +followed me through every age, even to that in which I am hastening again +towards it. + +M. Lambercier was a worthy, sensible man, who, without neglecting our +instruction, never made our acquisitions burthensome, or tasks tedious. +What convinces me of the rectitude of his method is, that notwithstanding +my extreme aversion to restraint, the recollection of my studies is never +attended with disgust; and, if my improvement was trivial, it was +obtained with ease, and has never escaped memory. + +The simplicity of this rural life was of infinite advantage in opening my +heart to the reception of true friendship. The sentiments I had hitherto +formed on this subject were extremely elevated, but altogether imaginary. +The habit of living in this peaceful manner soon united me tenderly to my +cousin Bernard; my affection was more ardent than that I had felt for my +brother, nor has time ever been able to efface it. He was a tall, lank, +weakly boy, with a mind as mild as his body was feeble, and who did not +wrong the good opinion they were disposed to entertain for the son of my +guardian. Our studies, amusements, and tasks, were the same; we were +alone; each wanted a playmate; to separate would in some measure, have +been to annihilate us. Though we had not many opportunities of +demonstrating our attachment to each other, it was certainly extreme; and +so far from enduring the thought of separation, we could not even form an +idea that we should ever be able to submit to it. Each of a disposition +to be won by kindness, and complaisant, when not soured by contradiction, +we agreed in every particular. If, by the favor of those who governed us +he had the ascendant while in their presence, I was sure to acquire it +when we were alone, and this preserved the equilibrium so necessary in +friendship. If he hesitated in repeating his task, I prompted him; when +my exercises were finished, I helped to write his; and, in our +amusements, my disposition being most active, ever had the lead. In a +word, our characters accorded so well, and the friendship that subsisted +between us was so cordial, that during the five years we were at Bossey +and Geneva we were inseparable: we often fought, it is true, but there +never was any occasion to separate us. No one of our quarrels lasted +more than a quarter of an hour, and never in our lives did we make any +complaint of each other. It may be said, these remarks are frivolous; +but, perhaps, a similiar example among children can hardly be produced. + +The manner in which I passed my time at Bossey was so agreeable to my +disposition, that it only required a longer duration absolutely to have +fixed my character, which would have had only peaceable, affectionate, +benevolent sentiments for its basis. I believe no individual of our kind +ever possessed less natural vanity than myself. At intervals, by an +extraordinary effort, I arrived at sublime ideas, but presently sunk +again into my original languor. To be loved by every one who knew me was +my most ardent wish. I was naturally mild, my cousin was equally so, and +those who had the care of us were of similiar dispositions. Everything +contributed to strengthen those propensities which nature had implanted +in my breast, and during the two years I was neither the victim nor +witness of any violent emotions. + +I knew nothing so delightful as to see every one content, not only with +me, but all that concerned them. When repeating our catechism at church, +nothing could give me greater vexation, on being obliged to hesitate, +than to see Miss Lambercier's countenance express disapprobation and +uneasiness. This alone was more afflicting to me than the shame of +faltering before so many witnesses, which, notwithstanding, was +sufficiently painful; for though not oversolicitous of praise, I was +feelingly alive to shame; yet I can truly affirm, the dread of being +reprimanded by Miss Lambercier alarmed me less than the thought of making +her uneasy. + +Neither she nor her brother were deficient in a reasonable severity, but +as this was scarce ever exerted without just cause, I was more afflicted +at their disapprobation than the punishment. Certainly the method of +treating youth would be altered if the distant effects, this +indiscriminate, and frequently indiscreet method produces, were more +conspicuous. I would willingly excuse myself from a further explanation, +did not the lesson this example conveys (which points out an evil as +frequent as it is pernicious) forbid my silence. + +As Miss Lambercier felt a mother's affection, she sometimes exerted a +mother's authority, even to inflicting on us when we deserved it, the +punishment of infants. She had often threatened it, and this threat of a +treatment entirely new, appeared to me extremely dreadful; but I found +the reality much less terrible than the idea, and what is still more +unaccountable, this punishment increased my affection for the person who +had inflicted it. All this affection, aided by my natural mildness, was +scarcely sufficient to prevent my seeking, by fresh offences, a return of +the same chastisement; for a degree of sensuality had mingled with the +smart and shame, which left more desire than fear of a repetition. I was +well convinced the same discipline from her brother would have produced a +quite contrary effect; but from a man of his disposition this was not +probable, and if I abstained from meriting correction it was merely from +a fear of offending Miss Lambercier, for benevolence, aided by the +passions, has ever maintained an empire over me which has given law to my +heart. + +This event, which, though desirable, I had not endeavored to accelerate, +arrived without my fault; I should say, without my seeking; and I +profited by it with a safe conscience; but this second, was also the last +time, for Miss Lambercier, who doubtless had some reason to imagine this +chastisement did not produce the desired effect, declared it was too +fatiguing, and that she renounced it for the future. Till now we had +slept in her chamber, and during the winter, even in her bed; but two +days after another room was prepared for us, and from that moment I had +the honor (which I could very well have dispensed with) of being treated +by her as a great boy. + +Who would believe this childish discipline, received at eight years old, +from the hands of a woman of thirty, should influence my propensities, +my desires, my passions, for the rest of my life, and that in quite a +contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected? The very +incident that inflamed my senses, gave my desires such an extraordinary +turn, that, confined to what I had already experienced, I sought no +further, and, with blood boiling with sensuality, almost from my birth, +preserved my purity beyond the age when the coldest constitutions lose +their insensibility; long tormented, without knowing by what, I gazed on +every handsome woman with delight; imagination incessantly brought their +charms to my remembrance, only to transform them into so many Miss +Lamberciers. + +If ever education was perfectly chaste, it was certainly that I received; +my three aunts were not only of exemplary prudence, but maintained a +degree of modest reserve which women have long since thought unnecessary. +My father, it is true, loved pleasure, but his gallantry was rather of +the last than the present century, and he never expressed his affection +for any woman he regarded in terms a virgin could have blushed at; +indeed, it was impossible more attention should be paid to that regard we +owe the morals of children than was uniformly observed by every one I had +any concern with. An equal degree of reserve in this particular was +observed at M. Lambercier's, where a good maid-servant was discharged for +having once made use of an expression before us which was thought to +contain some degree of indelicacy. I had no precise idea of the ultimate +effect of the passions, but the conception I had formed was extremely +disgusting; I entertained a particular aversion for courtesans, nor could +I look on a rake without a degree of disdain mingled with terror. + +These prejudices of education, proper in themselves to retard the first +explosions of a combustible constitution, were strengthened, as I have +already hinted, by the effect the first moments of sensuality produced in +me, for notwithstanding the troublesome ebullition of my blood, I was +satisfied with the species of voluptuousness I had already been +acquainted with, and sought no further. + +Thus I passed the age of puberty, with a constitution extremely ardent, +without knowing or even wishing for any other gratification of the +passions than what Miss Lambercier had innocently given me an idea of; +and when I became a man, that childish taste, instead of vanishing, only +associated with the other. This folly, joined to a natural timidity, has +always prevented my being very enterprising with women, so that I have +passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admired, +without daring to disclose my wishes. + +To fall at the feet of an imperious mistress, obey her mandates, or +implore pardon, were for me the most exquisite enjoyments, and the more +my blood was inflamed by the efforts of a lively imagination the more I +acquired the appearance of a whining lover. + +It will be readily conceived that this mode of making love is not +attended with a rapid progress or imminent danger to the virtue of its +object; yet, though I have few favors to boast of, I have not been +excluded from enjoyment, however imaginary. Thus the senses, in +concurrence with a mind equally timid and romantic, have preserved my +moral chaste, and feelings uncorrupted, with precisely the same +inclinations, which, seconded with a moderate portion of effrontery, +might have plunged me into the most unwarrantable excesses. + +I have made the first, most difficult step, in the obscure and painful +maze of my Confessions. We never feel so great a degree of repugnance in +divulging what is really criminal, as what is merely ridiculous. I am +now assured of my resolution, for after what I have dared disclose, +nothing can have power to deter me. The difficulty attending these +acknowledgments will be readily conceived, when I declare, that during +the whole of my life, though frequently laboring under the most violent +agitation, being hurried away with the impetuosity of a passion which +(when in company with those I loved) deprived me of the faculty of sight +and hearing, I could never, in the course of the most unbounded +familiarity, acquire sufficient resolution to declare my folly, and +implore the only favor that remained to bestow. + +In thus investigating the first traces of my sensible existence, I find +elements, which, though seemingly incompatible, have united to produce a +simple and uniform effect; while others, apparently the same, have, by +the concurrence of certain circumstances, formed such different +combinations, that it would never be imagined they had any affinity; who +would believe, for example, that one of the most vigorous springs of my +soul was tempered in the identical source from whence luxury and ease +mingled with my constitution and circulated in my veins? Before I quit +this subject, I will add a striking instance of the different effects +they produced. + +One day, while I was studying in a chamber contiguous to the kitchen, the +maid set some of Miss Lambercier's combs to dry by the fire, and on +coming to fetch them some time after, was surprised to find the teeth of +one of them broken off. Who could be suspected of this mischief? No one +but myself had entered the room: I was questioned, but denied having any +knowledge of it. Mr. and Miss Lambercier consult, exhort, threaten, but +all to no purpose; I obstinately persist in the denial; and, though this +was the first time I had been detected in a confirmed falsehood, +appearances were so strong that they overthrew all my protestations. +This affair was thought serious; the mischief, the lie, the obstinacy, +were considered equally deserving of punishment, which was not now to be +administered by Miss Lambercier. My uncle Bernard was written to; he +arrived; and my poor cousin being charged with a crime no less serious, +we were conducted to the same execution, which was inflicted with great +severity. If finding a remedy in the evil itself, they had sought ever +to allay my depraved desires, they could not have chosen a shorter method +to accomplish their designs, and, I can assure my readers, I was for a +long time freed from the dominion of them. + +As this severity could not draw from me the expected acknowledgment, +which obstinacy brought on several repetitions, and reduced me to a +deplorable situation, yet I was immovable, and resolutely determined to +suffer death rather than submit. Force, at length, was obliged to yield +to the diabolical infatuation of a child, for no better name was bestowed +on my constancy, and I came out of this dreadful trial, torn, it is true, +but triumphant. Fifty years have expired since this adventure--the fear +of punishment is no more. Well, then, I aver, in the face of Heaven, I +was absolutely innocent: and, so far from breaking, or even touching the +comb, never came near the fire. It will be asked, how did this mischief +happen? I can form no conception of it, I only know my own innocence. + +Let any one figure to himself a character whose leading traits were +docility and timidity, but haughty, ardent, and invincible, in its +passions; a child, hitherto governed by the voice of reason, treated with +mildness, equity, and complaisance, who could not even support the idea +of injustice, experiencing, for the first time, so violent an instance of +it, inflicted by those he most loved and respected. What perversion of +ideas! What confusion in the heart, the brain, in all my little being, +intelligent and moral!--let any one, I say, if possible, imagine all +this, for I am incapable of giving the least idea of what passed in my +mind at that period. + +My reason was not sufficiently established to enable me to put myself in +the place of others, and judge how much appearances condemned me, I only +beheld the rigor of a dreadful chastisement, inflicted for a crime I had +not committed; yet I can truly affirm, the smart I suffered, though +violent, was inconsiderable compared to what I felt from indignation, +rage, and despair. My cousin, who was almost in similar circumstances, +having been punished for an involuntary fault as guilty of a premediated +crime, became furious by my example. Both in the same bed, we embraced +each other with convulsive transport; we were almost suffocated; and when +our young hearts found sufficient relief to breathe out our indigination, +we sat up in the bed, and with all our force, repeated a hundred times, +Carnifex! Carnifex! Carnifex! executioner, tormentor. + +Even while I write this I feel my pulse quicken, and should I live a +hundred thousand years, the agitation of that moment would still be fresh +in my memory. The first instance of violence and oppression is so deeply +engraved on my soul, that every relative idea renews my emotion: the +sentiment of indignation, which in its origin had reference only to +myself, has acquired such strength, and is at present so completely +detached from personal motives, that my heart is as much inflamed at the +sight or relation of any act of injustice (whatever may be the object, or +wheresoever it may be perpetrated) as if I was the immediate sufferer. +When I read the history of a merciless tyrant, or the dark and the subtle +machination of a knavish designing priest, I could on the instant set off +to stab the miscreants, though I was certain to perish in the attempt. + +I have frequently fatigued myself by running after and stoning a cock, a +cow, a dog, or any animal I saw tormenting another, only because it was +conscious of possessing superior strength. This may be natural to me, +and I am inclined to believe it is, though the lively impression of the +first injustice I became the victim of was too long and too powerfully +remembered not to have added considerable force to it. + +This occurrence terminated my infantine serenity; from that moment I +ceased to enjoy a pure unadulterated happiness, and on a retrospection of +the pleasure of my childhood, I yet feel they ended here. We continue at +Bossey some months after this event, but were like our first parents in +the Garden of Eden after they had lost their innocence; in appearance our +situation was the same, in effect it was totally different. + +Affection, respect; intimacy, confidence, no longer attached the pupils +to their guides; we beheld them no longer as divinities, who could read +the secrets of our hearts; we were less ashamed of committing faults, +more afraid of being accused of them: we learned to dissemble, to rebel, +to lie: all the vices common to our years began to corrupt our happy +innocence, mingle with our sports, and embitter our amusements. The +country itself, losing those sweet and simple charms which captivate the +heart, appeared a gloomy desert, or covered with a veil that concealed +its beauties. We cultivated our little gardens no more: our flowers were +neglected. We no longer scratched away the mould, and broke out into +exclamations of delight, on discovering that the grain we had sown began +to shoot. We were disgusted with our situation; our preceptors were +weary of us. In a word, my uncle wrote for our return, and we left Mr. +and Miss Lambercier without feeling any regret at the separation. + +Near thirty years passed away from my leaving Bossey, without once +recalling the place to my mind with any degree of satisfaction; but after +having passed the prime of life, as I decline into old age (while more +recent occurrences are wearing out apace) I feel these remembrances +revive and imprint themselves on my heart, with a force and charm that +every day acquires fresh strength; as if, feeling life fleet from me, +I endeavored to catch it again by its commencement. The most trifling +incident of those happy days delight me, for no other reason than being +of those days. I recall every circumstance of time, place, and persons; +I see the maid or footman busy in the chamber, a swallow entering the +window, a fly settling on my hand while repeating my lessons. I see the +whole economy of the apartment; on the right hand Mr. Lambercier's +closet, with a print representing all the popes, a barometer, a large +almanac, the windows of the house (which stood in a hollow at the bottom +of the garden) shaded by raspberry shrubs, whose shoots sometimes found +entrance; I am sensible the reader has no occasion to know all this, but +I feel a kind of necessity for relating it. Why am I not permitted to +recount all the little anecdotes of that thrice happy age, at the +recollection of whose joys I ever tremble with delight? Five or six +particularly--let us compromise the matter --I will give up five, but +then I must have one, and only one, provided I may draw it out to its +utmost length, in order to prolong my satisfaction. + +If I only sought yours, I should choose that of Miss Lambercier's +backside, which by an unlucky fall at the bottom of the meadow, was +exposed to the view of the King of Sardinia, who happened to be passing +by; but that of the walnut tree on the terrace is more amusing to me, +since here I was an actor, whereas, in the abovementioned scene I was +only a spectator; and I must confess I see nothing that should occasion +risibility in an accident, which, however laughable in itself, alarmed me +for a person I loved as a mother, or perhaps something more. + +Ye curious readers, whose expectations are already on the stretch for the +noble history of the terrace, listen to the tragedy, and abstain from +trembling, if you can, at the horrible catastrophe! + +At the outside of the courtyard door, on the left hand, was a terrace; +here they often sat after dinner; but it was subject to one +inconvenience, being too much exposed to the rays of the sun; to obviate +this defect, Mr. Lambercier had a walnut tree set there, the planting of +which was attended with great solemnity. The two boarders were +godfathers, and while the earth was replacing round the root, each held +the tree with one hand, singing songs of triumph. In order to water it +with more effect, they formed a kind of luson around its foot: myself and +cousin, who were every day ardent spectators of this watering, confirmed +each other in the very natural idea that it was nobler to plant trees on +the terrace than colors on a breach, and this glory we were resolved to +procure without dividing it with any one. + +In pursuance of this resolution, we cut a slip off a willow, and planted +it on the terrace, at about eight or ten feet distance from the august +walnut tree. We did not forget to make a hollow round it, but the +difficulty was how to procure a supply of water, which was brought from a +considerable distance, and we not permitted to fetch it: but water was +absolutely necessary for our willow, and we made use of every stratagem +to obtain it. + +For a few days everything succeeded so well that it began to bud, and +throw out small leaves, which we hourly measured convinced (tho' now +scarce a foot from the ground) it would soon afford us a refreshing +shade. This unfortunate willow, by engrossing our whole time, rendered +us incapable of application to any other study, and the cause of our +inattention not being known, we were kept closer than before. The fatal +moment approached when water must fail, and we were already afflicted +with the idea that our tree must perish with drought. At length +necessity, the parent of industry, suggested an invention, by which we +might save our tree from death, and ourselves from despair; it was to +make a furrow underground, which would privately conduct a part of the +water from the walnut tree to our willow. This undertaking was executed +with ardor, but did not immediately succeed--our descent was not +skilfully planned--the water did not run, the earth falling in and +stopping up the furrow; yet, though all went contrary, nothing +discouraged us, 'omnia vincit labor improbus'. We made the bason deeper, +to give the water a more sensible descent; we cut the bottom of a box +into narrow planks; increased the channel from the walnut tree to our +willow and laying a row flat at the bottom, set two others inclining +towards each other, so as to form a triangular channel; we formed a kind +of grating with small sticks at the end next the walnut tree, to prevent +the earth and stones from stopping it up, and having carefully covered +our work with well--trodden earth, in a transport of hope and fear +attended the hour of watering. After an interval, which seemed an age of +expectation, this hour arrived. Mr. Lambercier, as usual, assisted at +the operation; we contrived to get between him and our tree, towards +which he fortunately turned his back. They no sooner began to pour the +first pail of water, than we perceived it running to the willow; this +sight was too much for our prudence, and we involuntarily expressed our +transport by a shout of joy. The sudden exclamation made Mr. Lambercier +turn about, though at that instant he was delighted to observe how +greedily the earth, which surrounded the root of his walnut tree, imbibed +the water. Surprised at seeing two trenches partake of it, he shouted in +his turn, examines, perceives the roguery, and, sending instantly for a +pick axe, at one fatal blow makes two or three of our planks fly, crying +out meantime with all his strength, an aqueduct! an aqueduct! His +strokes redoubled, every one of which made an impression on our hearts; +in a moment the planks, the channel, the bason, even our favorite willow, +all were ploughed up, nor was one word pronounced during this terrible +transaction, except the above mentioned exclamation. An aqueduct! +repeated he, while destroying all our hopes, an aqueduct! an aqueduct! + +It maybe supposed this adventure had a still more melancholy end for the +young architects; this, however, was not the case; the affair ended here. +Mr. Lambercier never reproached us on this account, nor was his +countenance clouded with a frown; we even heard him mention the +circumstance to his sister with loud bursts of laughter. The laugh of +Mr. Lambercier might be heard to a considerable distance. But what is +still more surprising after the first transport of sorrow had subsided, +we did not find ourselves violently afflicted; we planted a tree in +another spot, and frequently recollected the catastrophe of the former, +repeating with a significant emphasis, an aqueduct! an aqueduct! +Till then, at intervals, I had fits of ambition, and could fancy myself +Brutus or Aristides, but this was the first visible effect of my vanity. +To have constructed an aqueduct with our own hands, to have set a slip of +willow in competition with a flourishing tree, appeared to me a supreme +degree of glory! I had a juster conception of it at ten than Caesar +entertained at thirty. + +The idea of this walnut tree, with the little anecdotes it gave rise to, +have so well continued, or returned to my memory, that the design which +conveyed the most pleasing sensations, during my journey to Geneva, in +the year 1754, was visiting Bossey, and reviewing the monuments of my +infantine amusement, above all, the beloved walnut tree, whose age at +that time must have been verging on a third of a century, but I was so +beset with company that I could not find a moment to accomplish my +design. There is little appearance now of the occasion being renewed; +but should I ever return to that charming spot, and find my favorite +walnut tree still existing, I am convinced I should water it with my +tears. + +On my return to Geneva, I passed two or three years at my uncle's, +expecting the determination of my friends respecting my future +establishment. His own son being devoted to genius, was taught drawing, +and instructed by his father in the elements of Euclid; I partook of +these instructions, but was principally fond of drawing. Meantime, they +were irresolute, whether to make me a watchmaker, a lawyer, or a +minister. I should have preferred being a minister, as I thought it must +be a charming thing to preach, but the trifling income which had been my +mother's, and was to be divided between my brother and myself, was too +inconsiderable to defray the expense attending the prosecution of my +studies. As my age did not render the choice very pressing, I remained +with my uncle, passing my time with very little improvement, and paying +pretty dear, though not unreasonably, for my board. + +My uncle, like my father, was a man of pleasure, but had not learned, +like him, to abridge his amusements for the sake of instructing his +family, consequently our education was neglected. My aunt was a devotee, +who loved singing psalms better than thinking of our improvement, so that +we were left entirely to ourselves, which liberty we never abused. + +Ever inseparable, we were all the world to each other; and, feeling no +inclination to frequent the company of a number of disorderly lads of our +own age, we learned none of those habits of libertinism to which our idle +life exposed us. Perhaps I am wrong in charging myself and cousin with +idleness at this time, for, in our lives, we were never less so; and what +was extremely fortunate, so incessantly occupied with our amusements, +that we found no temptation to spend any part of our time in the streets. +We made cages, pipes, kites, drums, houses, ships, and bows; spoiled the +tools of my good old grandfather by endeavoring to make watches in +imitation of him; but our favorite amusement was wasting paper, in +drawing, washing, coloring, etc. There came an Italian mountebank to +Geneva, called Gamber-Corta, who had an exhibition of puppets, that he +made play a kind of comedy. We went once to see them, but could not +spare time to go again, being busily employed in making puppets of our +own and inventing comedies, which we immediately set about making them +perform, mimicking to the best of our abilities the uncouth voice of +Punch; and, to complete the business, my good aunt and uncle Bernard had +the patience to see and listen to our imitations; but my uncle, having +one day read an elaborate discourse to his family, we instantly gave up +our comedies, and began composing sermons. + +These details, I confess, are not very amusing, but they serve to +demonstrate that the former part of our education was well directed, +since being, at such an early age, the absolute masters of our time, +we found no inclination to abuse it; and so little in want of other +companions, that we constantly neglected every occasion of seeking them. +When taking our walks together, we observed their diversions without +feeling any inclination to partake of them. Friendship so entirely +occupied our hearts, that, pleased with each other's company the simplest +pastimes were sufficient to delight us. + +We were soon remarked for being thus inseparable: and what rendered us +more conspicuous, my cousin was very tall, myself extremely short, so +that we exhibited a very whimsical contrast. This meagre figure, small, +sallow countenance, heavy air, and supine gait, excited the ridicule of +the children, who, in the gibberish of the country, nicknamed him 'Barna +Bredanna'; and we no sooner got out of doors than our ears were assailed +with a repetition of "Barna Bredanna." He bore this indignity with +tolerable patience, but I was instantly for fighting. This was what the +young rogues aimed at. I engaged accordingly, and was beat. My poor +cousin did all in his power to assist me, but he was weak, and a single +stroke brought him to the ground. I then became furious, and received +several smart blows, some of which were aimed at 'Barna Bredanna'. This +quarrel so far increased the evil, that, to avoid their insults, we could +only show ourselves in the streets while they were employed at school. + +I had already become a redresser of grievances; there only wanted a lady +in the way to be a knight-errant in form. This defect was soon supplied; +I presently had two. I frequently went to see my father at Nion, a small +city in the Vaudois country, where he was now settled. Being universally +respected, the affection entertained for him extended to me: and, during +my visits, the question seemed to be, who should show me most kindness. +A Madame de Vulson, in particular, loaded me with caresses; and, to +complete all, her daughter made me her gallant. I need not explain what +kind of gallant a boy of eleven must be to a girl of two and twenty; the +artful hussies know how to set these puppets up in front, to conceal more +serious engagements. On my part I saw no inequality between myself and +Miss Vulson, was flattered by the circumstance, and went into it with my +whole heart, or rather my whole head, for this passion certainly reached +no further, though it transported me almost to madness, and frequently +produced scenes sufficient to make even a cynic expire with laughter. + +I have experienced two kinds of love, equally real, which have scarce any +affinity, yet each differing materially from tender friendship. My whole +life has been divided between these affections, and I have frequently +felt the power of both at the same instant. For example, at the very +time I so publically and tyrannically claimed Miss Vulson, that I could +not suffer any other of my sex to approach her, I had short, but +passionate, assignations with a Miss Goton, who thought proper to act the +schoolmistress with me. Our meetings, though absolutely childish, +afforded me the height of happiness. I felt the whole charm of mystery, +and repaid Miss Vulson in kind, when she least expected it, the use she +made of me in concealing her amours. To my great mortification, this +secret was soon discovered, and I presently lost my young schoolmistress. + +Miss Goton was, in fact, a singular personage. She was not handsome, +yet there was a certain something in her figure which could not easily +be forgotten, and this for an old fool, I am too often convinced of. +Her eyes, in particular, neither corresponded with her age, her height, +nor her manner; she had a lofty imposing air, which agreed extremely well +with the character she assumed, but the most extraordinary part of her +composition was a mixture of forwardness and reserve difficult to be +conceived; and while she took the greatest liberties with me, would never +permit any to be taken with her in return, treating me precisely like a +child. This makes me suppose she had either ceased herself to be one, +or was yet sufficiently so to behold us play the danger to which this +folly exposed her. + +I was so absolutely in the power of both these mistresses, that when in +the presence of either, I never thought of her who was absent; in other +respects, the effects they produced on me bore no affinity. I could have +passed my whole life with Miss Vulson, without forming a wish to quit +her; but then, my satisfaction was attended with a pleasing serenity; +and, in numerous companies, I was particularly charmed with her. The +sprightly sallies of her wit, the arch glance of her eye, even jealousy +itself, strengthened my attachment, and I triumphed in the preference she +seemed to bestow on me, while addressed by more powerful rivals; +applause, encouragement, and smiles, gave animation to my happiness. +Surrounded by a throng of observers, I felt the whole force of love--I +was passionate, transported; in a tete-a-tete, I should have been +constrained, thoughtful, perhaps unhappy. If Miss Vulson was ill, I +suffered with her; would willingly have given up my own health to +establish hers (and, observe I knew the want of it from experience); if +absent, she employed my thoughts, I felt the want of her; when present, +her caresses came with warmth and rapture to my heart, though my senses +were unaffected. The familiarities she bestowed on me I could not have +supported the idea of her granting to another; I loved her with a +brother's affection only, but experienced all the jealousy of a lover. + +With Miss Goton this passion might have acquired a degree of fury; I +should have been a Turk, a tiger, had I once imagined she bestowed her +favors on any but myself. The pleasure I felt on approaching Miss Vulson +was sufficiently ardent, though unattended with uneasy sensations; but at +sight of Miss Goton, I felt myself bewildered--every sense was absorbed +in ecstasy. I believe it would have been impossible to have remained +long with her; I must have been suffocated with the violence of my +palpitations. I equally dreaded giving either of them displeasure; with +one I was more complaisant; with the other, more submissive. I would not +have offended Miss Vulson for the world; but if Miss Goton had commanded +me to throw myself into the flames, I think I should have instantly +obeyed her. Happily, both for her and myself, our amours; or rather +rendezvous, were not of long duration: and though my connection with Miss +Vulson was less dangerous, after a continuance of some greater length, +that likewise had its catastrophe; indeed the termination of a love +affair is good for nothing, unless it partakes of the romantic, and can +furnish out at least an exclamation. + +Though my correspondence with Miss Vulson was less animated, it was +perhaps more endearing; we never separated without tears, and it can +hardly be conceived what a void I felt in my heart. I could neither +think nor speak of anything but her. These romantic sorrows were not +affected, though I am inclined to believe they did not absolutely centre +in her, for I am persuaded (though I did not perceive it at that time) +being deprived of amusement bore a considerable share in them. + +To soften the rigor of absence, we agreed to correspond with each other, +and the pathetic expressions these letters contained were sufficient to +have split a rock. In a word, I had the honor of her not being able to +endure the pain of separation. She came to see me at Geneva. + +My head was now completely turned; and during the two days she remained +here, I was intoxicated with delight. At her departure, I would have +thrown myself into the water after her, and absolutely rent the air with +my cries. The week following she sent me sweetmeats, gloves, etc. This +certainly would have appeared extremely gallant, had I not been informed +of her marriage at the same instant, and that the journey I had thought +proper to give myself the honor of, was only to buy her wedding suit. + +My indignation may easily be conceived; I shall not attempt to describe +it. In this heroic fury, I swore never more to see the perfidious girl, +supposing it the greatest punishment that could be inflicted on her. +This, however, did not occasion her death, for twenty years after, while +on a visit to my father, being on the lake, I asked who those ladies were +in a boat not far from ours. "What!" said my father smiling, "does not +your heart inform you? It is your former flame, it is Madame Christin, +or, if you please, Miss Vulson." I started at the almost forgotten name, +and instantly ordered the waterman to turn off, not judging it worth +while to be perjured, however favorable the opportunity for revenge, in +renewing a dispute of twenty years past, with a woman of forty. + +Thus, before my future destination was determined, did I fool away the +most precious moments of my youth. After deliberating a long time on the +bent of my natural inclination, they resolved to dispose of me in a +manner the most repugnant to them. I was sent to Mr. Masseron, the City +Register, to learn (according to the expression of my uncle Bernard) the +thriving occupation of a scraper. This nickname was inconceivably +displeasing to me, and I promised myself but little satisfaction in the +prospect of heaping up money by a mean employment. The assiduity and +subjection required, completed my disgust, and I never set foot in the +office without feeling a kind of horror, which every day gained fresh +strength. + +Mr. Masseron, who was not better pleased with my abilities than I was +with the employment, treated me with disdain, incessantly upbraiding me +with being a fool and blockhead, not forgetting to repeat, that my uncle +had assured him I was a knowing one, though he could not find that I knew +anything. That he had promised to furnish him with a sprightly boy, but +had, in truth, sent him an ass. To conclude, I was turned out of the +registry, with the additional ignominy of being pronounced a fool by all +Mr. Masseron's clerks, and fit only to handle a file. + +My vocation thus determined, I was bound apprentice; not, however, to a +watchmaker, but to an engraver, and I had been so completely humiliated +by the contempt of the register, that I submitted without a murmur. My +master, whose name was M. Ducommon, was a young man of a very violent and +boorish character, who contrived in a short time to tarnish all the +amiable qualities of my childhood, to stupefy a disposition naturally +sprightly, and reduce my feelings, as well as my condition, to an +absolute state of servitude. I forgot my Latin, history, and +antiquities; I could hardly recollect whether such people as Romans ever +existed. When I visited my father, he no longer beheld his idol, nor +could the ladies recognize the gallant Jean Jacques; nay, I was so well +convinced that Mr. and Miss Lambercier would scarce receive me as their +pupil, that I endeavored to avoid their company, and from that time have +never seen them. The vilest inclinations, the basest actions, succeeded +my amiable amusements and even obliterated the very remembrance of them. +I must have had, in spite of my good education, a great propensity to +degenerate, else the declension could not have followed with such ease +and rapidity, for never did so promising a Caesar so quickly become a +Laradon. + +The art itself did not displease me. I had a lively taste for drawing. +There was nothing displeasing in the exercise of the graver; and as it +required no very extraordinary abilities to attain perfection as a +watchcase engraver, I hoped to arrive at it. Perhaps I should have +accomplished my design, if unreasonable restraint, added to the brutality +of my master, had not rendered my business disgusting. I wasted his +time, and employed myself in engraving medals, which served me and my +companions as a kind of insignia for a new invented order of chivalry, +and though this differed very little from my usual employ, I considered +it as a relaxation. Unfortunately, my master caught me at this +contraband labor, and a severe beating was the consequence. He +reproached me at the same time with attempting to make counterfeit money +because our medals bore the arms of the Republic, though, I can truly +aver, I had no conception of false money, and very little of the true, +knowing better how to make a Roman As than one of our threepenny pieces. + +My master's tyranny rendered insupportable that labor I should otherwise +have loved, and drove me to vices I naturally despised, such as +falsehood, idleness, and theft. Nothing ever gave me a clearer +demonstration of the difference between filial dependence and abject +slavery, than the remembrance of the change produced in me at that +period. Hitherto I had enjoyed a reasonable liberty; this I had suddenly +lost. I was enterprising at my father's, free at Mr. Lambercier's, +discreet at my uncle's; but, with my master, I became fearful, and from +that moment my mind was vitiated. Accustomed to live on terms of perfect +equality, to be witness of no pleasures I could not command, to see no +dish I was not to partake of, or be sensible of a desire I might not +express; to be able to bring every wish of my heart to my lips--what a +transition!--at my master's I was scarce allowed to speak, was forced to +quit the table without tasting what I most longed for, and the room when +I had nothing particular to do there; was incessantly confined to my +work, while the liberty my master and his journeymen enjoyed, served only +to increase the weight of my subjection. When disputes happened to +arise, though conscious that I understood the subject better than any of +them, I dared not offer my opinion; in a word, everything I saw became an +object of desire, for no other reason than because I was not permitted to +enjoy anything. Farewell gayety, ease, those happy turns of expressions, +which formerly even made my faults escape correction. I recollect, with +pleasure, a circumstance that happened at my father's, which even now +makes me smile. Being for some fault ordered to bed without my supper, +as I was passing through the kitchen, with my poor morsel of bread in my +hand, I saw the meat turning on the spit; my father and the rest were +round the fire; I must bow to every one as I passed. When I had gone +through this ceremony, leering with a wistful eye at the roast meat, +which looked so inviting, and smelt so savory, I could not abstain from +making that a bow likewise, adding in a pitiful tone, good bye, roast +meal! This unpremeditated pleasantry put them in such good humor, that I +was permitted to stay, and partake of it. Perhaps the same thing might +have produced a similar effect at my master's, but such a thought could +never have occurred to me, or, if it had, I should not have had courage +to express it. + +Thus I learned to covet, dissemble, lie, and, at length, to steal, a +propensity I never felt the least idea of before, though since that time +I have never been able entirely to divest myself of it. Desire and +inability united naturally led to this vice, which is the reason +pilfering is so common among footmen and apprentices, though the latter, +as they grow up, and find themselves in a situation where everything is +at their command, lose this shameful propensity. As I never experienced +the advantage, I never enjoyed the benefit. + +Good sentiments, ill-directed, frequently lead children into vice. +Notwithstanding my continual wants and temptations, it was more than a +year before I could resolve to take even eatables. My first theft was +occasioned by complaisance, but it was productive of others which had not +so plausible an excuse. + +My master had a journeyman named Verrat, whose mother lived in the +neighborhood, and had a garden at a considerable distance from the house, +which produced excellent asparagus. This Verrat, who had no great plenty +of money, took it in his head to rob her of the most early production of +her garden, and by the sale of it procure those indulgences he could not +otherwise afford himself; but not being very nimble, he did not care to +run the hazard of a surprise. After some preliminary flattery, which I +did not comprehend the meaning of, he proposed this expedition to me, as +an idea which had that moment struck him. At first I would not listen to +the proposal; but he persisted in his solicitation, and as I could never +resist the attacks of flattery, at length prevailed. In pursuance of +this virtuous resolution, I every morning repaired to the garden, +gathered the best of the asparagus, and took it to the Holard where some +good old women, who guessed how I came by it, wishing to diminish the +price, made no secret of their suspicions; this produced the desired +effect, for, being alarmed, I took whatever they offered, which being +taken to Mr. Verrat, was presently metamorphosed into a breakfast, and +divided with a companion of his; for, though I procured it, I never +partook of their good cheer, being fully satisfied with an inconsiderable +bribe. + +I executed my roguery with the greatest fidelity, seeking only to please +my employer; and several days passed before it came into my head, to rob +the robber, and tithe Mr. Verrat's harvest. I never considered the +hazard I run in these expeditions, not only of a torrent of abuse, but +what I should have been still more sensible of, a hearty beating; for the +miscreant, who received the whole benefit, would certainly have denied +all knowledge of the fact, and I should only have received a double +portion of punishment for daring to accuse him, since being only an +apprentice, I stood no chance of being believed in opposition to a +journeyman. Thus, in every situation, powerful rogues know how to save +themselves at the expense of the feeble. + +This practice taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as I had +imagined: I took care to make this discovery turn to some account, +helping myself to everything within my reach, that I conceived an +inclination for. I was not absolutely ill-fed at my master's, and +temperance was only painful to me by comparing it with the luxury he +enjoyed. The custom of sending young people from table precisely when +those things are served up which seem most tempting, is calculated to +increase their longing, and induces them to steal what they conceive to +be so delicious. It may be supposed I was not backward in this +particular: in general my knavery succeeded pretty well, though quite the +reverse when I happened to be detected. + +I recollect an attempt to procure some apples, which was attended with +circumstances that make me smile and shudder even at this instant. The +fruit was standing in the pantry, which by a lattice at a considerable +height received light from the kitchen. One day, being alone in the +house, I climbed up to see these precious apples, which being out of my +reach, made this pantry appear the garden of Hesperides. I fetched the +spit--tried if it would reach them--it was too short--I lengthened it +with a small one which was used for game,--my master being very fond of +hunting, darted at them several times without success; at length was more +fortunate; being transported to find I was bringing up an apple, I drew +it gently to the lattice--was going to seize it when (who can express my +grief and astonishment!) I found it would not pass through--it was too +large. I tried every expedient to accomplish my design, sought +supporters to keep the spits in the same position, a knife to divide the +apple, and a lath to hold it with; at length, I so far succeeded as to +effect the division, and made no doubt of drawing the pieces through; but +it was scarcely separated, (compassionate reader, sympathize with my +affliction) when both pieces fell into the pantry. + +Though I lost time by this experiment, I did not lose courage, but, +dreading a surprise, I put off the attempt till next day, when I hoped to +be more successful, and returned to my work as if nothing had happened, +without once thinking of what the two obvious witnesses I had left in the +pantry deposed against me. + +The next day (a fine opportunity offering) I renew the trial. I fasten +the spits together; get on the stool; take aim; am just going to dart at +my prey--unfortunately the dragon did not sleep; the pantry door opens, +my master makes his appearance, and, looking up, exclaims, "Bravo!"-- +The horror of that moment returns--the pen drops from my hand. + +A continual repetition of ill treatment rendered me callous; it seemed a +kind of composition for my crimes, which authorized me to continue them, +and, instead of looking back at the punishment, I looked forward to +revenge. Being beat like a slave, I judged I had a right to all the +vices of one. I was convinced that to rob and be punished were +inseparable, and constituted, if I may so express myself, a kind of +traffic, in which, if I perform my part of the bargain, my master would +take care not to be deficient in his; that preliminary settled, I applied +myself to thieving with great tranquility, and whenever this +interrogatory occurred to my mind, "What will be the consequence?" the +reply was ready, "I know the worst, I shall be beat; no matter, I was +made for it." + +I love good eating; am sensual, but not greedy; I have such a variety of +inclinations to gratify, that this can never predominate; and unless my +heart is unoccupied, which very rarely happens, I pay but little +attention to my appetite; to purloining eatables, but extended this +propensity to everything I wished to possess, and if I did not become a +robber in form, it was only because money never tempted me. + +My master had a closet in the workshop, which he kept locked; this I +contrived to open and shut as often as I pleased, and laid his best +tools, fine drawings, impressions, in a word, everything he wished to +keep from me, under contribution. + +These thefts were so far innocent, that they were always employed in his +service, but I was transported at having the trifles in my possession, +and imagined I stole the art with its productions. Besides what I have +mentioned, his boxes contained threads of gold and silver, a number of +small jewels, valuable medals, and money; yet, though I seldom had five +sous in my pocket, I do not recollect ever having cast a wishful look at +them; on the contrary, I beheld these valuables rather with terror than +with delight. + +I am convinced the dread of taking money was, in a great measure, the +effect of education. There was mingled with the idea of it the fear of +infamy, a prison, punishment, and death: had I even felt the temptation, +these objects would have made me tremble; whereas my failings appeared a +species of waggery, and, in truth, they were little else; they could but +occasion a good trimming, and this I was already prepared for. A sheet +of fine drawing paper was a greater temptation than money sufficient to +have purchased a ream. This unreasonable caprice is connected with one +of the most striking singularities of my character, and has so far +influenced my conduct, that it requires a particular explanation. + +My passions are extremely violent; while under their influence, nothing +can equal my impetuosity; I am an absolute stranger to discretion, +respect, fear, or decorum; rude, saucy, violent, and intrepid: no shame +can stop, no danger intimidate me. My mind is frequently so engrossed by +a single object, that beyond it the whole world is not worth a thought; +this is the enthusiasm of a moment, the next, perhaps, I am plunged in a +state of annihilation. Take me in my moments of tranquility, I am +indolence and timidity itself; a word to speak, the least trifle to +perform, appear an intolerable labor; everything alarms and terrifies me; +the very buzzing of a fly will make me shudder; I am so subdued by fear +and shame, that I would gladly shield myself from mortal view. + +When obliged to exert myself, I am ignorant what to do! when forced to +speak, I am at a loss for words; and if any one looks at me, I am +instantly out of countenance. If animated with my subject, I express my +thoughts with ease, but, in ordinary conversations, I can say nothing-- +absolutely nothing; and, being obliged to speak, renders them +insupportable. + +I may add, that none of my predominant inclinations centre in those +pleasures which are to be purchased: money empoisons my delight; I must +have them unadulterated; I love those of the table, for instance, but +cannot endure the restraints of good company, or the intemperance of +taverns; I can enjoy them only with a friend, for alone it is equally +impossible; my imagination is then so occupied with other things, that I +find no pleasure in eating. Women who are to be purchased have no charms +for me; my beating heart cannot be satisfied without affection; it is the +same with every other enjoyment, if not truly disinterested, they are +absolutely insipid; in a word, I am fond of those things which are only +estimable to minds formed for the peculiar enjoyment of them. + +I never thought money so desirable as it is usually imagined; if you +would enjoy you must transform it; and this transformation is frequently +attended with inconvenience; you must bargain, purchase, pay dear, be +badly served, and often duped. I buy an egg, am assured it is new-laid-- +I find it stale; fruit in its utmost perfection--'tis absolutely green. +I love good wine, but where shall I get it? Not at my wine merchant's-- +he will poison me to a certainty. I wish to be universally respected; +how shall I compass my design? I must make friends, send messages, write +letters, come, go, wait, and be frequently deceived. Money is the +perpetual source of uneasiness; I fear it more than I love good wine. + +A thousand times, both during and since my apprenticeship, have I gone +out to purchase some nicety, I approach the pastry-cook's, perceive some +women at the counter, and imagine they are laughing at me. I pass a +fruit shop, see some fine pears, their appearance tempts me; but then two +or three young people are near, or a man I am acquainted with is standing +at the door; I take all that pass for persons I have some knowledge of, +and my near sight contributes to deceive me. I am everywhere +intimidated, restrained by some obstacle, and with money in my pocket +return as I went, for want of resolution to purchase what I long for. + +I should enter into the most insipid details was I to relate the trouble, +shame, repugnance, and inconvenience of all kinds which I have +experienced in parting with my money, whether in my own person, or by the +agency of others; as I proceed, the reader will get acquainted with my +disposition, and perceive all this without my troubling him with the +recital. + +This once comprehended, one of my apparent contradictions will be easily +accounted for, and the most sordid avarice reconciled with the greatest +contempt of money. It is a movable which I consider of so little value, +that, when destitute of it, I never wish to acquire any; and when I have +a sum I keep it by me, for want of knowing how to dispose of it to my +satisfaction; but let an agreeable and convenient opportunity present +itself, and I empty my purse with the utmost freedom; not that I would +have the reader imagine I am extravagant from a motive of ostentation, +quite the reverse; it was ever in subservience to my pleasures, and, +instead of glorying in expense, I endeavor to conceal it. I so well +perceive that money is not made to answer my purposes, that I am almost +ashamed to have any, and, still more, to make use of it. + +Had I ever possessed a moderate independence, I am convinced I should +have had no propensity to become avaricious. I should have required no +more, and cheerfully lived up to my income; but my precarious situation +has constantly and necessarily kept me in fear. I love liberty, and I +loathe constraint, dependence, and all their kindred annoyances. As long +as my purse contains money it secures my independence, and exempts me +from the trouble of seeking other money, a trouble of which I have always +had a perfect horror; and the dread of seeing the end of my independence, +makes me proportionately unwilling to part with my money. The money that +we possess is the instrument of liberty, that which we lack and strive to +obtain is the instrument of slavery. Thence it is that I hold fast to +aught that I have, and yet covet nothing more. + +My disinterestedness, then, is in reality only idleness, the pleasure of +possessing is not in my estimation worth the trouble of acquiring: and my +dissipation is only another form of idleness; when we have an opportunity +of disbursing pleasantly we should make the best possible use of it. + +I am less tempted by money than by other objects, because between the +moment of possessing the money and that of using it to obtain the desired +object there is always an interval, however short; whereas to possess the +thing is to enjoy it. I see a thing and it tempts me; but if I see not +the thing itself but only the means of acquiring it, I am not tempted. +Therefore it is that I have been a pilferer, and am so even now, in the +way of mere trifles to which I take a fancy, and which I find it easier +to take than to ask for; but I never in my life recollect having taken a +farthing from any one, except about fifteen years ago, when I stole seven +francs and ten sous. The story is worth recounting, as it exhibits a +concurrence of ignorance and stupidity I should scarcely credit, did it +relate to any but myself. + +It was in Paris: I was walking with M. de Franceul at the Palais Royal; +he pulled out his watch, he looked at it, and said to me, "Suppose we go +to the opera?"--"With all my heart." We go: he takes two box tickets, +gives me one, and enters himself with the other; I follow, find the door +crowded; and, looking in, see every one standing; judging, therefore, +that M. de Franceul might suppose me concealed by the company, I go out, +ask for my ticket, and, getting the money returned, leave the house, +without considering, that by then I had reached the door every one would +be seated, and M. de Franceul might readily perceive I was not there. + +As nothing could be more opposite to my natural inclination than this +abominable meanness, I note it, to show there are moments of delirium +when men ought not to be judged by their actions: this was not stealing +the money, it was only stealing the use of it, and was the more infamous +for wanting the excuse of a temptation. + +I should never end these accounts, was I to describe all the gradations +through which I passed, during my apprenticeship, from the sublimity of a +hero to the baseness of a villain. Though I entered into most of the +vices of my situation, I had no relish for its pleasures; the amusements +of my companions were displeasing, and when too much restraint had made +my business wearisome, I had nothing to amuse me. This renewed my taste +for reading which had long been neglected. I thus committed a fresh +offence, books made me neglect my work, and brought on additional +punishment, while inclination, strengthened by constraint, became an +unconquerable passion. La Tribu, a well-known librarian, furnished me +with all kinds; good or bad, I perused them with avidity, and without +discrimination. + +It will be said; "at length, then, money became necessary"--true; but +this happened at a time when a taste for study had deprived me both of +resolution and activity; totally occupied by this new inclination, I only +wished to read, I robbed no longer. This is another of my peculiarities; +a mere nothing frequently calls me off from what I appear the most +attached to; I give in to the new idea; it becomes a passion, and +immediately every former desire is forgotten. + +Reading was my new hobby; my heart beat with impatience to run over the +new book I carried in my pocket; the first moment I was alone, I seized +the opportunity to draw it out, and thought no longer of rummaging my +master's closet. I was even ashamed to think that I had been guilty of +such meanness; and had my amusements been more expensive, I no longer +felt an inclination to continue it. La Tribu gave me credit, and when +once I had the book in my possession, I thought no more of the trifle I +was to pay for it; as money came it naturally passed to this woman; and +when she chanced to be pressing, nothing was so conveniently at hand as +my own effects; to steal in advance required foresight, and robbing to +pay was no temptation. + +The frequent blows I received from my master, with my private and ill- +chosen studies, rendered me reserved, unsociable, and almost deranged my +reason. Though my taste had not preserved me from silly unmeaning books, +by good fortune I was a stranger to licentious or obscene ones; not that +La Tribu (who was very accommodating) had any scruple of lending these, +on the contrary, to enhance their worth she spoke of them with an air of +mystery; this produced an effect she had not foreseen, for both shame and +disgust made me constantly refuse them. Chance so well seconded my +bashful disposition, that I was past the age of thirty before I saw any +of those dangerous compositions. + +In less than a year I had exhausted La Tribu's scanty library, and was +unhappy for want of further amusement. My reading, though frequently +bad, had worn off my childish follies, and brought back my heart to +nobler sentiments than my condition had inspired; meantime disgusted with +all within my reach, and thinking everything charming that was out of it, +my present situation appeared extremely miserable. My passions began to +acquire strength, I felt their influence, without knowing whither they +would conduct me. I sometimes, indeed, thought of my former follies, but +sought no further. + +At this time my imagination took a turn which helped to calm my +increasing emotions; it was, to contemplate those situations in the books +I had read, which produced the most striking effect on my mind; to +recall, combine, and apply them to myself in such a manner, as to become +one of the personages my recollection presented, and be continually in +those fancied circumstances which were most agreeable to my inclinations; +in a word, by contriving to place myself in these fictitious situations, +the idea of my real one was in a great measure obliterated. + +This fondness for imaginary objects, and the facility with which I could +gain possession of them, completed my disgust for everything around me, +and fixed that inclination for solitude which has ever since been +predominant. We shall have more than once occasion to remark the effects +of a disposition, misanthropic and melancholy in appearance, but which +proceed, in fact, from a heart too affectionate, too ardent, which, for +want of similar dispositions, is constrained to content itself with +nonentities, and be satisfied with fiction. It is sufficient, at +present, to have traced the origin of a propensity which has modified my +passions, set bounds to each, and by giving too much ardor to my wishes, +has ever rendered me too indolent to obtain them. + +Thus I attained my sixteenth year, uneasy, discontented with myself and +everything that surrounded me; displeased with my occupation; without +enjoying the pleasures common to my age, weeping without a cause, sighing +I knew not why, and fond of my chimerical ideas for want of more valuable +realities. + +Every Sunday, after sermon-time, my companions came to fetch me out, +wishing me to partake of their diversions. I would willingly have been +excused, but when once engaged in amusement, I was more animated and +enterprising than any of them; it was equally difficult to engage or +restrain me; indeed, this was ever a leading trait in my character. +In our country walks I was ever foremost, and never thought of returning +till reminded by some of my companions. I was twice obliged to be from +my master's the whole night, the city gates having been shut before I +could reach them. The reader may imagine what treatment this procured me +the following mornings; but I was promised such a reception for the +third, that I made a firm resolution never to expose myself to the danger +of it. Notwithstanding my determination, I repeated this dreaded +transgression, my vigilance having been rendered useless by a cursed +captain, named M. Minutoli, who, when on guard, always shut the gate he +had charge of an hour before the usual time. I was returning home with +my two companions, and had got within half a league of the city, when I +heard them beat the tattoo; I redouble my pace, I run with my utmost +speed, I approach the bridge, see the soldiers already at their posts, I +call out to them in a suffocated voice--it is too late; I am twenty paces +from the guard, the first bridge is already drawn up, and I tremble to +see those terrible horns advanced in the air which announce the fatal and +inevitable destiny, which from this moment began to pursue me. + +I threw myself on the glacis in a transport of despair, while my +companions, who only laughed at the accident, immediately determined what +to do. My resolution, though different from theirs, was equally sudden; +on the spot, I swore never to return to my master's, and the next +morning, when my companions entered the city, I bade them an eternal +adieu, conjuring them at the same time to inform my cousin Bernard of my +resolution, and the place where he might see me for the last time. + +From the commencement of my apprenticeship I had seldom seen him; at +first, indeed, we saw each other on Sundays, but each acquiring different +habits, our meetings were less frequent. I am persuaded his mother +contributed greatly towards this change; he was to consider himself as a +person of consequence, I was a pitiful apprentice; notwithstanding our +relationship, equality no longer subsisted between us, and it was +degrading himself to frequent my company. As he had a natural good heart +his mother's lessons did not take an immediate effect, and for some time +he continued to visit me. + +Having learned my resolution, he hastened to the spot I had appointed, +not, however, to dissuade me from it, but to render my flight agreeable, +by some trifling presents, as my own resources would not have carried me +far. He gave me among other things, a small sword, which I was very +proud of, and took with me as far as Turin, where absolute want +constrained me to dispose of it. The more I reflect on his behavior at +this critical moment, the more I am persuaded he followed the +instructions of his mother, and perhaps his father likewise: for, had he +been left to his own feelings, he would have endeavored to retain, or +have been tempted to accompany me; on the contrary, he encouraged the +design, and when he saw me resolutely determined to pursue it, without +seeming much affected, left me to my fate. We never saw or wrote to each +other from that time; I cannot but regret this loss, for his heart was +essentially good, and we seemed formed for a more lasting friendship. + +Before I abandon myself to the fatality of my destiny, let me contemplate +for a moment the prospect that awaited me had I fallen into the hands of +a better master. Nothing could have been more agreeable to my +disposition, or more likely to confer happiness, than the peaceful +condition of a good artificer, in so respectable a line as engravers are +considered at Geneva. I could have obtained an easy subsistence, if not +a fortune; this would have bounded my ambition; I should have had means +to indulge in moderate pleasures, and should have continued in my natural +sphere, without meeting with any temptation to go beyond it. Having an +imagination sufficiently fertile to embellish with its chimeras every +situation, and powerful enough to transport me from one to another, it +was immaterial in which I was fixed: that was best adapted to me, which, +requiring the least care or exertion, left the mind most at liberty; and +this happiness I should have enjoyed. In my native country, in the bosom +of my religion, family and friends, I should have passed a calm and +peaceful life, in the uniformity of a pleasing occupation, and among +connections dear to my heart. I should have been a good Christian, a +good citizen, a good friend, a good man. I should have relished my +condition, perhaps have been an honor to it, and after having passed a +life of happy obscurity, surrounded by my family, I should have died at +peace. Soon it may be forgotten, but while remembered it would have been +with tenderness and regret. + +Instead of this--what a picture am I about to draw!--Alas! why should I +anticipate the miseries I have endured? The reader will have but too +much of the melancholy subject. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +A feeling heart the foundation of all my misfortunes +Being beat like a slave, I judged I had a right to all vices +Degree of sensuality had mingled with the smart and shame +First instance of violence and oppression is so deeply engraved +Hold fast to aught that I have, and yet covet nothing more +Insignificant trash that has obtained the name of education +Law that the accuser should be confined at the same time +Less degree of repugnance in divulging what is really criminal +Money that we possess is the instrument of liberty +Money we lack and strive to obtain is the instrument of slavery +Necessity, the parent of industry, suggested an invention +Neither the victim nor witness of any violent emotions +Passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admire +Rogues know how to save themselves at the expense of the feeble +Seeking, by fresh offences, a return of the same chastisement +Supposed that certain, which I only knew to be probable +Taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as I had imagined +We learned to dissemble, to rebel, to lie + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v1 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK II. + + +The moment in which fear had instigated my flight, did not seem more +terrible than that wherein I put my design in execution appeared +delightful. To leave my relations, my resources, while yet a child, +in the midst of my apprenticeship, before I had learned enough of my +business to obtain a subsistence; to run on inevitable misery and danger: +to expose myself in that age of weakness and innocence to all the +temptations of vice and despair; to set out in search of errors, +misfortunes, snares, slavery, and death; to endure more intolerable evils +than those I meant to shun, was the picture I should have drawn, the +natural consequence of my hazardous enterprise. How different was the +idea I entertained of it!--The independence I seemed to possess was the +sole object of my contemplation; having obtained my liberty, I thought +everything attainable: I entered with confidence on the vast theatre of +the world, which my merit was to captivate: at every step I expected to +find amusements, treasures, and adventures; friends ready to serve, and +mistresses eager to please me; I had but to show myself, and the whole +universe would be interested in my concerns; not but I could have been +content with something less; a charming society, with sufficient means, +might have satisfied me. My moderation was such, that the sphere in +which I proposed to shine was rather circumscribed, but then it was to +possess the very quintessence of enjoyment, and myself the principal +object. A single castle, for instance, might have bounded my ambition; +could I have been the favorite of the lord and lady, the daughter's +lover, the son's friend, and protector of the neighbors, I might have +been tolerably content, and sought no further. + +In expectation of this modest fortune, I passed a few days in the +environs of the city, with some country people of my acquaintance, who +received me with more kindness than I should have met with in town; they +welcomed, lodged, and fed me cheerfully; I could be said to live on +charity, these favors were not conferred with a sufficient appearance of +superiority to furnish out the idea. + +I rambled about in this manner till I got to Confignon, in Savoy, at +about two leagues distance from Geneva. The vicar was called M. de +Pontverre; this name, so famous in the history of the Republic, caught my +attention; I was curious to see what appearance the descendants of the +gentlemen of the spoon exhibited; I went, therefore, to visit this M. de +Pontverre, and was received with great civility. + +He spoke of the heresy of Geneva, declaimed on the authority of holy +mother church, and then invited me to dinner. I had little to object to +arguments which had so desirable a conclusion, and was inclined to +believe that priests, who gave such excellent dinners, might be as good +as our ministers. Notwithstanding M. de Pontverre's pedigree, I +certainly possessed most learning; but I rather sought to be a good +companion than an expert theologian; and his Frangi wine, which I thought +delicious, argued so powerfully on his side, that I should have blushed +at silencing so kind a host; I, therefore, yielded him the victory, or +rather declined the contest. Any one who had observed my precaution, +would certainly have pronounced me a dissembler, though, in fact, I was +only courteous. + +Flattery, or rather condescension, is not always a vice in young people; +'tis oftener a virtue. When treated with kindness, it is natural to feel +an attachment for the person who confers the obligation; we do not +acquiesce because we wish to deceive, but from dread of giving +uneasiness, or because we wish to avoid the ingratitude of rendering evil +for good. What interest had M. de Pontverre in entertaining, treating +with respect, and endeavoring to convince me? None but mine; my young +heart told me this, and I was penetrated with gratitude and respect for +the generous priest; I was sensible of my superiority, but scorned to +repay his hospitality by taking advantage of it. I had no conception of +hypocrisy in this forbearance, or thought of changing my religion, nay, +so far was the idea from being familiar to me, that I looked on it with a +degree of horror which seemed to exclude the possibility of such an +event; I only wished to avoid giving offence to those I was sensible +caressed me from that motive; I wished to cultivate their good opinion, +and meantime leave them the hope of success by seeming less on my guard +than I really was. My conduct in this particular resembled the coquetry +of some very honest women, who, to obtain their wishes, without +permitting or promising anything, sometimes encourage hopes they never +mean to realize. + +Reason, piety, and love of order, certainly demanded that instead of +being encouraged in my folly, I should have been dissuaded from the ruin +I was courting, and sent back to my family; and this conduct any one that +was actuated by genuine virtue would have pursued; but it should be +observed that though M. de Pontverre was a religious man, he was not a +virtuous one, but a bigot, who knew no virtue except worshipping images +and telling his beads, in a word, a kind of missionary, who thought the +height of merit consisted in writing libels against the ministers of +Geneva. Far from wishing to send me back, he endeavored to favor my +escape, and put it out of my power to return even had I been so disposed. +It was a thousand to one but he was sending me to perish with hunger, or +become a villain; but all this was foreign to his purpose; he saw a soul +snatched from heresy, and restored to the bosom of the church: whether I +was an honest man or a knave was very immaterial, provided I went to +mass. + +This ridiculous mode of thinking is not peculiar to Catholics; it is the +voice of every dogmatical persuasion where merit consists in belief, and +not in virtue. + +"You are called by the Almighty," said M. de Pontverre; "go to Annecy, +where you will find a good and charitable lady, whom the bounty of the +king enables to turn souls from those errors she has happily renounced." +He spoke of a Madam de Warrens, a new convert, to whom the priests +contrived to send those wretches who were disposed to sell their faith, +and with these she was in a manner constrained to share a pension of two +thousand francs bestowed on her by the King of Sardinia. I felt myself +extremely humiliated at being supposed to want the assistance of a good +and charitable lady. I had no objection to be accommodated with +everything I stood in need of, but did not wish to receive it on the +footing of charity and to owe this obligation to a devotee was still +worse; notwithstanding my scruples the persuasions of M. de Pontverre, +the dread of perishing with hunger, the pleasures I promised myself from +the journey, and hope of obtaining some desirable situation, determined +me; and I set out though reluctantly, for Annecy. I could easily have +reached it in a day, but being in no great haste to arrive there, it took +me three. My head was filled with the ideas of adventures, and I +approached every country-seat I saw in my way, in expectation of having +them realized. I had too much timidity to knock at the doors, or even +enter if I saw them open, but I did what I dared--which was to sing under +those windows that I thought had the most favorable appearance; and was +very much disconcerted to find I wasted my breath to no purpose, and that +neither old nor young ladies were attracted by the melody of my voice, or +the wit of my poetry, though some songs my companions had taught me I +thought excellent and that I sung them incomparably. At length I arrived +at Annecy, and saw Madam de Warrens. + +As this period of my life, in a great measure, determined my character, +I could not resolve to pass it lightly over. I was in the middle of my +sixteenth year, and though I could not be called handsome, was well made +for my height; I had a good foot, a well turned leg, and animated +countenance; a well proportioned mouth, black hair and eyebrows, and my +eyes, though small and rather too far in my head, sparkling with +vivacity, darted that innate fire which inflamed my blood; unfortunately +for me, I knew nothing of all this, never having bestowed a single +thought on my person till it was too late to be of any service to me. +The timidity common to my age was heightened by a natural benevolence, +which made me dread the idea of giving pain. Though my mind had received +some cultivation, having seen nothing of the world, I was an absolute +stranger to polite address, and my mental acquisitions, so far from +supplying this defect, only served to increase my embarrassment, by +making me sensible of every deficiency. + +Depending little, therefore, on external appearances, I had recourse to +other expedients: I wrote a most elaborate letter, where, mingling all +the flowers of rhetoric which I had borrowed from books with the phrases +of an apprentice, I endeavored to strike the attention, and insure the +good will of Madam de Warrens. I enclosed M. de Pontverre's letter in my +own and waited on the lady with a heart palpitating with fear and +expectation. It was Palm Sunday, of the year 1728; I was informed she +was that moment gone to church; I hasten after her, overtake, and speak +to her.--The place is yet fresh in my memory--how can it be otherwise? +often have I moistened it with my tears and covered it with kisses.--Why +cannot I enclose with gold the happy spot, and render it the object of +universal veneration? Whoever wishes to honor monuments of human +salvation would only approach it on their knees. + +It was a passage at the back of the house, bordered on the left hand by a +little rivulet, which separated it from the garden, and, on the right, by +the court yard wall; at the end was a private door which opened into the +church of the Cordeliers. Madam de Warrens was just passing this door; +but on hearing my voice, instantly turned about. What an effect did the +sight of her produce! I expected to see a devout, forbidding old woman; +M. de Pontverre's pious and worthy lady could be no other in my +conception; instead of which, I see a face beaming with charms, fine blue +eyes full of sweetness, a complexion whose whiteness dazzled the sight, +the form of an enchanting neck, nothing escaped the eager eye of the +young proselyte; for that instant I was hers!--a religion preached by +such missionaries must lead to paradise! + +My letter was presented with a trembling hand; she took it with a smile-- +opened it, glanced an eye over M. de Pontverre's and again returned to +mine, which she read through and would have read again, had not the +footman that instant informed her that service was beginning--"Child," +said she, in a tone of voice which made every nerve vibrate, "you are +wandering about at an early age--it is really a pity!"--and without +waiting for an answer, added--"Go to my house, bid them give you +something for breakfast, after mass, I will speak to you." + +Louisa--Eleanora de Warrens was of the noble and ancient family of La +Tour de Pit, of Vevay, a city in the country of the Vaudois. She was +married very young to a M. de Warrens, of the house of Loys, eldest son +of M. de Villardin, of Lausanne; there were no children by this marriage, +which was far from being a happy one. Some domestic uneasiness made +Madam de Warrens take the resolution of crossing the Lake, and throwing +herself at the feet of Victor Amadeus, who was then at Evian; thus +abandoning her husband, family, and country by a giddiness similar to +mine, which precipitation she, too, has found sufficient time and reason +to lament. + +The king, who was fond of appearing a zealous promoter of the Catholic +faith, took her under his protection, and complimented her with a pension +of fifteen hundred livres of Piedmont, which was a considerable +appointment for a prince who never had the character of being generous; +but finding his liberality made some conjecture he had an affection for +the lady, he sent her to Annecy escorted by a detachment of his guards, +where, under the direction of Michael Gabriel de Bernex, titular bishop +of Geneva, she abjured her former religion at the Convent of the +Visitation. + +I came to Annecy just six years after this event; Madam de Warrens was +then eight--and--twenty, being born with the century. Her beauty, +consisting more in the expressive animation of the countenance, than a +set of features, was in its meridian; her manner soothing and tender; an +angelic smile played about her mouth, which was small and delicate; she +wore her hair (which was of an ash color, and uncommonly beautiful) with +an air of negligence that made her appear still more interesting; she was +short, and rather thick for her height, though by no means disagreeably +so; but there could not be a more lovely face, a finer neck, or hands and +arms more exquisitely formed. + +Her education had been derived from such a variety of sources, that it +formed an extraordinary assemblage. Like me, she had lost her mother at +her birth, and had received instruction as it chanced to present itself; +she had learned something of her governess, something of her father, a +little of her masters, but copiously from her lovers; particularly a M. +de Tavel, who, possessing both taste and information, endeavored to adorn +with them the mind of her he loved. These various instructions, not +being properly arranged, tended to impede each other, and she did not +acquire that degree of improvement her natural good sense was capable of +receiving; she knew something of philosophy and physic, but not enough to +eradicate the fondness she had imbibed from her father for empiricism and +alchemy; she made elixirs, tinctures, balsams, pretended to secrets, and +prepared magestry; while quacks and pretenders, profiting by her +weakness, destroyed her property among furnaces, drugs and minerals, +diminishing those charms and accomplishments which might have been the +delight of the most elegant circles. But though these interested +wretches took advantage of her ill-applied education to obscure her +natural good sense, her excellent heart retained its purity; her amiable +mildness, sensibility for the unfortunate, inexhaustible bounty, and +open, cheerful frankness, knew no variation; even at the approach of old +age, when attacked by various calamities, rendered more cutting by +indigence, the serenity of her disposition preserved to the end of her +life the pleasing gayety of her happiest days. + +Her errors proceeded from an inexhaustible fund of activity, which +demanded perpetual employment. She found no satisfaction in the +customary intrigues of her sex, but, being formed for vast designs, +sought the direction of important enterprises and discoveries. In her +place Madam de Longueville would have been a mere trifler, in Madam de +Longueville's situation she would have governed the state. Her talents +did not accord with her fortune; what would have gained her distinction +in a more elevated sphere, became her ruin. In enterprises which suited +her disposition, she arranged the plan in her imagination, which was ever +carried of its utmost extent, and the means she employed being +proportioned rather to her ideas than abilities, she failed by the +mismanagement of those upon whom she depended, and was ruined where +another would scarce have been a loser. This active disposition, which +involved her in so many difficulties, was at least productive of one +benefit as it prevented her from passing the remainder of her life in the +monastic asylum she had chosen, which she had some thought of. The +simple and uniform life of a nun, and the little cabals and gossipings of +their parlor, were not adapted to a mind vigorous and active, which, +every day forming new systems, had occasions for liberty to attempt their +completion. + +The good bishop of Bernex, with less wit than Francis of Sales, resembled +him in many particulars, and Madam de Warrens, whom he loved to call his +daughter, and who was like Madam de Chantel in several respects, might +have increased the resemblance by retiring like her from the world, had +she not been disgusted with the idle trifling of a convent. It was not +want of zeal prevented this amiable woman from giving those proofs of +devotion which might have been expected from a new convert, under the +immediate direction of a prelate. Whatever might have influenced her to +change her religion, she was certainly sincere in that she had embraced; +she might find sufficient occasion to repent having abjured her former +faith, but no inclination to return to it. She not only died a good +Catholic, but truly lived one; nay, I dare affirm (and I think I have had +the opportunity to read the secrets of her heart) that it was only her +aversion to singularity that prevented her acting the devotee in public; +in a word, her piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of +it. But this is not the place to enlarge on her principles: I shall find +other occasions to speak of them. + +Let those who deny the existence of a sympathy of souls, explain, if they +know how, why the first glance, the first word of Madam de Warrens +inspired me, not only with a lively attachment, but with the most +unbounded confidence, which has since known no abatement. Say this was +love (which will at least appear doubtful to those who read the sequel of +our attachment) how could this passion be attended with sentiments which +scarce ever accompany its commencement, such as peace, serenity, +security, and confidence. How, when making application to an amiable and +polished woman, whose situation in life was so superior to mine, so far +above any I had yet approached, on whom, in a great measure, depended my +future fortune by the degree of interest she might take in it; how, I say +with so many reasons to depress me, did I feel myself as free, as much at +my ease, as if I had been perfectly secure of pleasing her! Why did I +not experience a moment of embarrassment, timidity or restraint? +Naturally bashful, easily confused, having seen nothing of the world, +could I, the first time, the first moment I beheld her, adopt caressing +language, and a familiar tone, as readily as after ten years' intimacy +had rendered these freedoms natural? Is it possible to possess love, I +will not say without desires, for I certainly had them, but without +inquietude, without jealousy? Can we avoid feeling an anxious wish at +least to know whether our affection is returned? Yet such a question +never entered my imagination; I should as soon have inquired, do I love +myself; nor did she ever express a greater degree of curiosity; there +was, certainly, something extraordinary in my attachment to this charming +woman and it will be found in the sequel, that some extravagances, which +cannot be foreseen, attended it. + +What could be done for me, was the present question, and in order to +discuss the point with greater freedom, she made me dine with her. This +was the first meal in my life where I had experienced a want of appetite, +and her woman, who waited, observed it was the first time she had seen a +traveller of my age and appearance deficient in that particular: this +remark, which did me no injury in the opinion of her mistress, fell hard +on an overgrown clown, who was my fellow guest, and devoured sufficient +to have served at least six moderate feeders. For me, I was too much +charmed to think of eating; my heart began to imbibe a delicious +sensation, which engrossed my whole being, and left no room for other +objects. + +Madam de Warrens wished to hear the particulars of my little history--all +the vivacity I had lost during my servitude returned and assisted the +recital. In proportion to the interest this excellent woman took in my +story, did she lament the fate to which I had exposed myself; compassion +was painted on her features, and expressed by every action. She could +not exhort me to return to Geneva, being too well aware that her words +and actions were strictly scrutinized, and that such advice would be +thought high treason against Catholicism, but she spoke so feelingly of +the affliction I must give her(my) father, that it was easy to perceive +she would have approved my returning to console him. Alas! she little +thought how powerfully this pleaded against herself; the more eloquently +persuasive she appeared, the less could I resolve to tear myself from +her. I knew that returning to Geneva would be putting an insuperable +barrier between us, unless I repeated the expedient which had brought me +here, and it was certainly better to preserve than expose myself to the +danger of a relapse; besides all this, my conduct was predetermined, I +was resolved not to return. Madam de Warrens, seeing her endeavors would +be fruitless, became less explicit, and only added, with an air of +commiseration, "Poor child! thou must go where Providence directs thee, +but one day thou wilt think of me."--I believe she had no conception at +that time how fatally her prediction would be verified. + +The difficulty still remained how I was to gain a subsistence? I have +already observed that I knew too little of engraving for that to furnish +my resource, and had I been more expert, Savoy was too poor a country to +give much encouragement to the arts. The above-mentioned glutton, who +eat for us as well as himself, being obliged to pause in order to gain +some relaxation from the fatigue of it, imparted a piece of advice, +which, according to him, came express from Heaven; though to judge by its +effects it appeared to have been dictated from a direct contrary quarter: +this was that I should go to Turin, where, in a hospital instituted for +the instruction of catechumens, I should find food, both spiritual and +temporal, be reconciled to the bosom of the church, and meet with some +charitable Christians, who would make it a point to procure me a +situation that would turn to my advantage. "In regard to the expenses of +the journey," continued our advisor, "his grace, my lord bishop, will not +be backward, when once madam has proposed this holy work, to offer his +charitable donation, and madam, the baroness, whose charity is so well +known," once more addressing himself to the continuation of his meal, +"will certainly contribute." + +I was by no means pleased with all these charities; I said nothing, but +my heart was ready to burst with vexation. Madam de Warrens, who did not +seem to think so highly of this expedient as the projector pretended to +do, contented herself by saying, everyone should endeavor to promote good +actions, and that she would mention it to his lordship; but the meddling +devil, who had some private interest in this affair, and questioned +whether she would urge it to his satisfaction, took care to acquaint the +almoners with my story, and so far influenced those good priests, that +when Madam de Warrens, who disliked the journey on my account, mentioned +it to the bishop, she found it so far concluded on, that he immediately +put into her hands the money designed for my little viaticum. She dared +not advance anything against it; I was approaching an age when a woman +like her could not, with any propriety, appear anxious to retain me. + +My departure being thus determined by those who undertook the management +of my concerns, I had only to submit; and I did it without much +repugnance. Though Turin was at a greater distance from Madam de Warrens +than Geneva, yet being the capital of the country I was now in, it seemed +to have more connection with Annecy than a city under a different +government and of a contrary religion; besides, as I undertook this +journey in obedience to her, I considered myself as living under her +direction, which was more flattering than barely to continue in the +neighborhood; to sum up all, the idea of a long journey coincided with my +insurmountable passion for rambling, which already began to demonstrate +itself. To pass the mountains, to my eye appeared delightful; how +charming the reflection of elevating myself above my companions by the +whole height of the Alps! To see the world is an almost irresistible +temptation to a Genevan, accordingly I gave my consent. + +He who suggested the journey was to set off in two days with his wife. +I was recommended to their care; they were likewise made my purse-- +bearers, which had been augmented by Madam de Warrens, who, not contented +with these kindnesses, added secretly a pecuniary reinforcement, attended +with the most ample instructions, and we departed on the Wednesday before +Easter. + +The day following, my father arrived at Annecy, accompanied by his +friend, a Mr. Rival, who was likewise a watchmaker; he was a man of sense +and letters, who wrote better verses than La Motte, and spoke almost as +well; what is still more to his praise, he was a man of the strictest +integrity, but whose taste for literature only served to make one of his +sons a comedian. Having traced me to the house of Madam de Warrens, they +contented themselves with lamenting, like her, my fate, instead of +overtaking me, which, (as they were on horseback and I on foot) they +might have accomplished with the greatest ease. + +My uncle Bernard did the same thing, he arrived at Consignon, received +information that I was gone to Annecy, and immediately returned back to +Geneva; thus my nearest relations seemed to have conspired with my +adverse stars to consign me to misery and ruin. By a similar negligence, +my brother was so entirely lost, that it was never known what was become +of him. + +My father was not only a man of honor but of the strictest probity, and +endured with that magnanimity which frequently produces the most shining +virtues: I may add, he was a good father, particularly to me whom he +tenderly loved; but he likewise loved his pleasures, and since we had +been separated other connections had weakened his paternal affections. +He had married again at Nion, and though his second wife was too old to +expect children, she had relations; my father was united to another +family, surrounded by other objects, and a variety of cares prevented my +returning to his remembrance. He was in the decline of life and had +nothing to support the inconveniences of old age; my mother's property +devolved to me and my brother, but, during our absence, the interest of +it was enjoyed by my father: I do not mean to infer that this +consideration had an immediate effect on his conduct, but it had an +imperceptible one, and prevented him making use of that exertion to +regain me which he would otherwise have employed; and this, I think, was +the reason that having traced me as far as Annecy, he stopped short, +without proceeding to Chambery, where he was almost certain I should be +found; and likewise accounts why, on visiting him several times since my +flight, he always received me with great kindness, but never made any +efforts to retain me. + +This conduct in a father, whose affection and virtue I was so well +convinced of, has given birth to reflections on the regulation of my own +conduct which have greatly contributed to preserve the integrity of my +heart. It has taught me this great lesson of morality, perhaps the only +one that can have any conspicuous influence on our actions, that we +should ever carefully avoid putting our interests in competition with our +duty, or promise ourselves felicity from the misfortunes of others; +certain that in such circumstances, however sincere our love of virtue +may be, sooner or later it will give way and we shall imperceptibly +become unjust and wicked, in fact, however upright in our intentions. + +This maxim, strongly imprinted on my mind, and reduced, though rather too +late, to practice, has given my conduct an appearance of folly and +whimsicality, not only in public, but still more among my acquaintances: +it has been said, I affected originality, and sought to act different +from other people; the truth is, I neither endeavor to conform or be +singular, I desire only to act virtuously and avoid situations, which, +by setting my interest in opposition to that of another person's, might +inspire me with a secret, though involuntary wish to his disadvantage. + +Two years ago, My Lord Marshal would have put my name in his will, which +I took every method to prevent, assuring him I would not for the world +know myself in the will of any one, much less in his; he gave up the +idea; but insisted in return, that I should accept an annuity on his +life; this I consented to. It will be said, I find my account in the +alteration; perhaps I may; but oh, my benefactor! my father, I am now +sensible that, should I have the misfortune to survive thee, I should +have everything to lose, nothing to gain. + +This, in my idea, in true philosophy, the surest bulwark of human +rectitude; every day do I receive fresh conviction of its profound +solidity. I have endeavored to recommend it in all my latter writings, +but the multitude read too superficially to have made the remark. If I +survive my present undertaking, and am able to begin another, I mean, in +a continuation of Emilius, to give such a lively and marking example of +this maxim as cannot fail to strike attention. But I have made +reflections enough for a traveller, it is time to continue my journey. + +It turned out more agreeable than I expected: my clownish conductor was +not so morose as he appeared to be. He was a middle-aged man, wore his +black, grizzly hair, in a queue, had a martial air, a strong voice, was +tolerably cheerful, and to make up for not having been taught any trade, +could turn his hand to every one. Having proposed to establish some kind +of manufactory at Annecy, he had consulted Madam de Warrens, who +immediately gave into the project, and he was now going to Turin to lay +the plan before the minister and get his approbation, for which journey +he took care to be well rewarded. + +This drole had the art of ingratiating himself with the priests, whom he +ever appeared eager to serve; he adopted a certain jargon which he had +learned by frequenting their company, and thought himself a notable +preacher; he could even repeat one passage from the Bible in Latin, and +it answered his purpose as well as if he had known a thousand, for he +repeated it a thousand times a day. He was seldom at a loss for money +when he knew what purse contained it; yet, was rather artful than +knavish, and when dealing out in an affected tone his unmeaning +discourses, resembled Peter the Hermit, preaching up the crusade with a +sabre at his side. + +Madam Sabran, his wife, was a tolerable, good sort of woman; more +peaceable by day than by night; as I slept in the same chamber I was +frequently disturbed by her wakefulness, and should have been more so had +I comprehended the cause of it; but I was in the chapter of dullness, +which left to nature the whole care of my own instruction. + +I went on gayly with my pious guide and his hopeful companion, no +sinister accident impeding our journey. I was in the happiest +circumstances both of mind and body that I ever recollect having +experienced; young, full of health and security, placing unbounded +confidence in myself and others; in that short but charming moment of +human life, whose expansive energy carries, if I may so express myself, +our being to the utmost extent of our sensations, embellishing all nature +with an inexpressible charm, flowing from the conscious and rising +enjoyment of our existence. + +My pleasing inquietudes became less wandering: I had now an object on +which imagination could fix. I looked on myself as the work, the pupil, +the friend, almost the lover of Madam de Warrens; the obliging things she +had said, the caresses she had bestowed on me; the tender interest she +seemed to take in everything that concerned me; those charming looks, +which seemed replete with love, because they so powerfully inspired it, +every consideration flattered my ideas during this journey, and furnished +the most delicious reveries, which, no doubt, no fear of my future +condition arose to embitter. In sending me to Turin, I thought they +engaged to find me an agreeable subsistence there; thus eased of every +care I passed lightly on, while young desires, enchanting hopes, and +brilliant prospects employed my mind; each object that presented itself +seemed to insure my approaching felicity. I imagined that every house +was filled with joyous festivity, the meadows resounded with sports and +revelry, the rivers offered refreshing baths, delicious fish wantoned in +these streams, and how delightful was it to ramble along the flowery +banks! The trees were loaded with the choicest fruits, while their shade +afforded the most charming and voluptuous retreats to happy lovers; the +mountains abounded with milk and cream; peace and leisure, simplicity and +joy, mingled with the charm of going I knew not whither, and everything I +saw carried to my heart some new cause for rapture. The grandeur, +variety, and real beauty of the scene, in some measure rendered the charm +reasonable, in which vanity came in for its share; to go so young to +Italy, view such an extent of country, and pursue the route of Hannibal +over the Alps, appeared a glory beyond my age; add to all this our +frequent and agreeable halts, with a good appetite and plenty to satisfy +it; for in truth it was not worth while to be sparing; at Mr. Sabran's +table what I eat could scarce be missed. In the whole course of my life +I cannot recollect an interval more perfectly exempt from care, than the +seven or eight days I was passing from Annecy to Turin. As we were +obliged to walk Madam Sabran's pace, it rather appeared an agreeable +jaunt than a fatiguing journey; there still remains the most pleasing +impressions of it on my mind, and the idea of a pedestrian excursion, +particularly among the mountains, has from this time seemed delightful. + +It was only in my happiest days that I travelled on foot, and ever with +the most unbounded satisfaction; afterwards, occupied with business and +encumbered with baggage, I was forced to act the gentleman and employ a +carriage, where care, embarrassment, and restraint, were sure to be my +companions, and instead of being delighted with the journey, I only +wished to arrive at the place of destination. + +I was a long time at Paris, wishing to meet with two companions of +similar dispositions, who would each agree to appropriate fifty guineas +of his property and a year of his time to making the tour of Italy on +foot, with no other attendance than a young fellow to carry our +necessaries; I have met with many who seemed enchanted with the project, +but considered it only as a visionary scheme, which served well enough to +talk of, without any design of putting it in execution. One day, +speaking with enthusiasm of this project to Diderot and Grimm, they gave +into the proposal with such warmth that I thought the matter concluded +on; but it only turned out a journey on paper, in which Grimm thought +nothing so pleasing as making Diderot commit a number of impieties, and +shutting me up in the Inquisition for them, instead of him. + +My regret at arriving so soon at Turin was compensated by the pleasure of +viewing a large city, and the hope of figuring there in a conspicuous +character, for my brain already began to be intoxicated with the fumes of +ambition; my present situation appeared infinitely above that of an +apprentice, and I was far from foreseeing how soon I should be much below +it. + +Before I proceed, I ought to offer an excuse, or justification to the +reader for the great number of unentertaining particulars I am +necessitated to repeat. In pursuance of the resolution I have formed to +enter on this public exhibition of myself, it is necessary that nothing +should bear the appearance of obscurity or concealment. I should be +continually under the eye of the reader, he should be enabled to follow +me In all the wanderings of my heart, through every intricacy of my +adventures; he must find no void or chasm in my relation, nor lose sight +of me an instant, lest he should find occasion to say, what was he doing +at this time; and suspect me of not having dared to reveal the whole. I +give sufficient scope to malignity in what I say; it is unnecessary I +should furnish still more by my science. + +My money was all gone, even that I had secretly received from Madam de +Warrens: I had been so indiscreet as to divulge this secret, and my +conductors had taken care to profit by it. Madam Sabran found means to +deprive me of everything I had, even to a ribbon embroidered with silver, +with which Madam de Warrens had adorned the hilt of my sword; this I +regretted more than all the rest; indeed the sword itself would have gone +the same way, had I been less obstinately bent on retaining it. They +had, it is true, supported me during the journey, but left me nothing at +the end of it, and I arrived at Turin, without money, clothes, or linen, +being precisely in the situation to owe to my merit alone the whole honor +of that fortune I was about to acquire. + +I took care in the first place to deliver the letters I was charged with, +and was presently conducted to the hospital of the catechumens, to be +instructed in that religion, for which, in return, I was to receive +subsistence. On entering, I passed an iron-barred gate, which was +immediately double-locked on me; this beginning was by no means +calculated to give me a favorable opinion of my situation. I was then +conducted to a large apartment, whose furniture consisted of a wooden +altar at the farther end, on which was a large crucifix, and round it +several indifferent chairs, of the same materials. In this hall of +audience were assembled four or five ill-looking banditti, my comrades in +instruction, who would rather have been taken for trusty servants of the +devil than candidates for the kingdom of heaven. Two of these fellows +were Sclavonians, but gave out they were African Jews, and (as they +assured me) had run through Spain and Italy, embracing the Christian +faith, and being baptised wherever they thought it worth their labor. + +Soon after they opened another iron gate, which divided a large balcony +that overlooked a court yard, and by this avenue entered our sister +catechumens, who, like me, were going to be regenerated, not by baptism +but a solemn abjuration. A viler set of idle, dirty, abandoned harlots, +never disgraced any persuasion; one among them, however, appeared pretty +and interesting; she might be about my own age, perhaps a year or two +older, and had a pair of roguish eyes, which frequently encountered mine; +this was enough to inspire me with the desire of becoming acquainted with +her, but she had been so strongly recommended to the care of the old +governess of this respectable sisterhood, and was so narrowly watched by +the pious missionary, who labored for her conversion with more zeal than +diligence, that during the two months we remained together in this house +(where she had already been three) I found it absolutely impossible to +exchange a word with her. She must have been extremely stupid, though +she had not the appearance of it, for never was a longer course of +instruction; the holy man could never bring her to a state of mind fit +for abjuration; meantime she became weary of her cloister, declaring +that, Christian or not, she would stay there no longer; and they were +obliged to take her at her word, lest she should grow refractory, and +insist on departing as great a sinner as she came. + +This hopeful community were assembled in honor of the new-comer; when our +guides made us a short exhortation: I was conjured to be obedient to the +grace that Heaven had bestowed on me; the rest were admonished to assist +me with their prayers, and give me edification by their good example. +Our virgins then retired to another apartment, and I was left to +contemplate, at leisure, that wherein I found myself. + +The next morning we were again assembled for instruction: I now began to +reflect, for the first time, on the step I was about to take, and the +circumstances which had led me to it. + +I repeat, and shall perhaps repeat again, an assertion I have already +advanced, and of whose truth I every day receive fresh conviction, which +is, that if ever child received a reasonable and virtuous education, it +was myself. Born in a family of unexceptionable morals, every lesson I +received was replete with maxims of prudence and virtue. My father +(though fond of gallantry) not only possessed distinguished probity, but +much religion; in the world he appeared a man of pleasure, in his family +he was a Christian, and implanted early in my mind those sentiments he +felt the force of. My three aunts were women of virtue and piety; the +two eldest were professed devotees, and the third, who united all the +graces of wit and good sense, was, perhaps, more truly religious than +either, though with less ostentation. From the bosom of this amiable +family I was transplanted to M. Lambercier's, a man dedicated to the +ministry, who believed the doctrine he taught, and acted up to its +precepts. He and his sister matured by their instructions those +principles of judicious piety I had already imbibed, and the means +employed by these worthy people were so well adapted to the effect they +meant to produce, that so far from being fatigued, I scarce ever listened +to their admonitions without finding myself sensibly affected, and +forming resolutions to live virtuously, from which, except in moments of +forgetfulness, I seldom swerved. At my uncle's, religion was far more +tiresome, because they made it an employment; with my master I thought no +more of it, though my sentiments continued the same: I had no companions +to vitiate my morals: I became idle, careless, and obstinate, but my +principles were not impaired. + +I possessed as much religion, therefore, as a child could be supposed +capable of acquiring. Why should I now disguise my thoughts? I am +persuaded I had more. In my childhood, I was not a child; I felt, I +thought as a man: as I advanced in years, I mingled with the ordinary +class; in my infancy I was distinguished from it. I shall doubtless +incur ridicule by thus modestly holding myself up for a prodigy--I am +content. Let those who find themselves disposed to it, laugh their fill; +afterward, let them find a child that at six years old is delighted, +interested, affected with romances, even to the shedding floods of tears; +I shall then feel my ridiculous vanity, and acknowledge myself in an +error. + +Thus when I said we should not converse with children on religion, if we +wished them ever to possess any; when I asserted they were incapable of +communion with the Supreme Being, even in our confined degree, I drew my +conclusions from general observation; I knew they were not applicable to +particular instances: find J. J. Rousseau of six years old, converse with +them on religious subjects at seven, and I will be answerable that the +experiment will be attended with no danger. + +It is understood, I believe, that a child, or even a man, is likely to be +most sincere while persevering in that religion in whose belief he was +born and educated; we frequently detract from, seldom make any additions +to it: dogmatical faith is the effect of education. In addition to this +general principle which attached me to the religion of my forefathers, I +had that particular aversion our city entertains for Catholicism, which +is represented there as the most monstrous idolatry, and whose clergy are +painted in the blackest colors. This sentiment was so firmly imprinted +on my mind, that I never dared to look into their churches--I could not +bear to meet a priest in his surplice, and never did I hear the bells of +a procession sound without shuddering with horror; these sensations soon +wore off in great cities, but frequently returned in country parishes, +which bore more similarity to the spot where I first experienced them; +meantime this dislike was singularly contrasted by the remembrance of +those caresses which priests in the neighborhood of Geneva are fond of +bestowing on the children of that city. If the bells of the viaticum +alarmed me, the chiming for mass or vespers called me to a breakfast, a +collation, to the pleasure of regaling on fresh butter, fruits, or milk; +the good cheer of M. de Pontverre had produced a considerable effect on +me; my former abhorrence began to diminish, and looking on popery through +the medium of amusement and good living, I easily reconciled myself to +the idea of enduring, though I never entertained but a very transient and +distant idea of making a solemn profession of it. + +At this moment such a transaction appeared in all its horrors; I +shuddered at the engagement I had entered into, and its inevitable +consequences. The future neophytes with which I was surrounded were not +calculated to sustain my courage by their example, and I could not help +considering the holy work I was about to perform as the action of a +villain. Though young, I was sufficiently convinced, that whatever +religion might be the true one, I was about to sell mine; and even should +I chance to chose the best, I lied to the Holy Ghost, and merited the +disdain of every good man. The more I considered, the more I despised +myself, and trembled at the fate which had led me into such a +predicament, as if my present situation had not been of my own seeking. +There were moments when these compunctions were so strong that had I +found the door open but for an instant, I should certainly have made my +escape; but this was impossible, nor was the resolution of any long +duration, being combated by too many secret motives to stand any chance +of gaining the victory. + +My fixed determination not to return to Geneva, the shame that would +attend it, the difficulty of repassing the mountains, at a distance from +my country, without friends, and without resources, everything concurred +to make me consider my remorse of conscience, as a too late repentance. +I affected to reproach myself for what I had done, to seek excuses for +that I intended to do, and by aggravating the errors of the past, looked +on the future as an inevitable consequence. I did not say, nothing is +yet done, and you may be innocent if you please; but I said, tremble at +the crime thou hast committed, which hath reduced thee to the necessity +of filling up the measure of thine iniquities. + +It required more resolution than was natural to my age to revoke those +expectations which I had given them reason to entertain, break those +chains with which I was enthralled, and resolutely declare I would +continue in the religion of my forefathers, whatever might be the +consequence. The affair was already too far advanced, and spite of all +my efforts they would have made a point of bringing it to a conclusion. + +The sophism which ruined me has had a similar affect on the greater part +of mankind, who lament the want of resolution when the opportunity for +exercising it is over. The practice of virtue is only difficult from our +own negligence; were, we always discreet, we should seldom have occasion +for any painful exertion of it; we are captivated by desires we might +readily surmount, give into temptations that might easily be resisted, +and insensibly get into embarrassing, perilous situations, from which we +cannot extricate ourselves but with the utmost difficulty; intimidated by +the effort, we fall into the abyss, saying to the Almighty, why hast thou +made us such weak creatures? But, notwithstanding our vain pretexts, He +replies, by our consciences, I formed ye too weak to get out of the gulf, +because I gave ye sufficient strength not to have fallen into it. + +I was not absolutely resolved to become a Catholic, but, as it was not +necessary to declare my intentions immediately, I gradually accustomed +myself to the idea; hoping, meantime, that some unforeseen event would +extricate me from my embarrassment. In order to gain time, I resolved to +make the best defence I possibly could in favor of my own opinion; but my +vanity soon rendered this resolution unnecessary, for on finding I +frequently embarrassed those who had the care of my instruction, I wished +to heighten my triumph by giving them a complete overthrow. I zealously +pursued my plan, not without the ridiculous hope of being able to convert +my convertors; for I was simple enough to believe, that could I convince +them of their errors, they would become Protestants; they did not find, +therefore, that facility in the work which they had expected, as I +differed both in regard to will and knowledge from the opinion they had +entertained of me. + +Protestants, in general, are better instructed in the principles of their +religion than Catholics; the reason is obvious; the doctrine of the +former requires discussion, of the latter a blind submission; the +Catholic must content himself with the decisions of others, the +Protestant must learn to decide for himself; they were not ignorant of +this, but neither my age nor appearance promised much difficulty to men +so accustomed to disputation. They knew, likewise, that I had not +received my first communion, nor the instructions which accompany it; +but, on the other hand, they had no idea of the information I received at +M. Lambercier's, or that I had learned the history of the church and +empire almost by heart at my father's; and though (since that time, +nearly forgot, when warmed by the dispute, very unfortunately for these +gentlemen), it again returned to my memory. + +A little old priest, but tolerably venerable, held the first conference; +at which we were all convened. On the part of my comrades, it was rather +a catechism than a controversy, and he found more pains in giving them +instruction than answering their objections; but when it came to my turn, +it was a different matter; I stopped him at every article, and did not +spare a single remark that I thought would create a difficulty: this +rendered the conference long and extremely tiresome to the assistants. +My old priest talked a great deal, was very warm, frequently rambled from +the subject, and extricated himself from difficulties by saying he was +not sufficiently versed in the French language. + +The next day, lest my indiscreet objections should injure the minds of +those who were better disposed, I was led into a separate chamber and put +under the care of a younger priest, a fine speaker; that is, one who was +fond of long perplexed sentences, and proud of his own abilities, if ever +doctor was. I did not, however, suffer myself to be intimidated by his +overbearing looks: and being sensible that I could maintain my ground, I +combated his assertions, exposed his mistakes, and laid about me in the +best manner I was able. He thought to silence me at once with St. +Augustine, St. Gregory, and the rest of the fathers, but found, to his +ineffable surprise, that I could handle these almost as dexterously as +himself; not that I had ever read them, or he either, perhaps, but I +retained a number of passages taken from my Le Sueur, and when he bore +hard on me with one citation, without standing to dispute, I parried it +with another, which method embarrassed him extremely. At length, +however, he got the better of me for two very potent reasons; in the +first place, he was of the strongest side; young as I was, I thought it +might be dangerous to drive him to extremities, for I plainly saw the old +priest was neither satisfied with me nor my erudition. In the next +place, he had studied, I had not; this gave a degree of method to his +arguments which I could not follow; and whenever he found himself pressed +by an unforeseen objection he put it off to the next conference, +pretending I rambled from the question in dispute. Sometimes he even +rejected all my quotations, maintaining they were false, and, offering to +fetch the book, defied me to find them. He knew he ran very little risk, +and that, with all my borrowed learning, I was not sufficiently +accustomed to books, and too poor a Latinist to find a passage in a large +volume, had I been ever so well assured it was there. I even suspected +him of having been guilty of a perfidy with which he accused our +ministers, and that he fabricated passages sometimes in order to evade an +objection that incommoded him. + +Meanwhile the hospital became every day more disagreeable to me, and +seeing but one way to get out of it, I endeavored to hasten my abjuration +with as much eagerness as I had hitherto sought to retard it. + +The two Africans had been baptised with great ceremony, they were habited +in white from head to foot to signify the purity of their regenerated +souls. My turn came a month after; for all this time was thought +necessary by my directors, that they might have the honor of a difficult +conversion, and every dogma of their faith was recapitulated, in order to +triumph the more completely over my new docility. + +At length, sufficiently instructed and disposed to the will of my +masters, I was led in procession to the metropolitan church of St. John, +to make a solemn abjuration, and undergo a ceremony made use of on these +occasions, which, though not baptism, is very similar, and serves to +persuade the people that Protestants are not Christians. I was clothed +in a kind of gray robe, decorated with white Brandenburgs. Two men, one +behind, the other before me, carried copper basins which they kept +striking with a key, and in which those who were charitably disposed put +their alms, according as they found themselves influenced by religion or +good will for the new convert; in a word, nothing of Catholic pageantry +was omitted that could render the solemnity edifying to the populace, or +humiliating to me. The white dress might have been serviceable, but as I +had not the honor to be either Moor or Jew, they did not think fit to +compliment me with it. + +The affair did not end here, I must now go to the Inquisition to be +absolved from the dreadful sin of heresy, and return to the bosom of the +church with the same ceremony to which Henry the Fourth was subjected by +his ambassador. The air and manner of the right reverend Father +Inquisitor was by no means calculated to dissipate the secret horror that +seized my spirits on entering this holy mansion. After several questions +relative to my faith, situation, and family, he asked me bluntly if my +mother was damned? Terror repressed the first gust of indignation; this +gave me time to recollect myself, and I answered, I hope not, for God +might have enlightened her last moments. The monk made no reply, but his +silence was attended with a look by no means expressive of approbation. + +All these ceremonies ended, the very moment I flattered myself I should +be plentifully provided for, they exhorted me to continue a good +Christian, and live in obedience to the grace I had received; then +wishing me good fortune, with rather more than twenty francs of small +money in my pocket, the produce of the above--mentioned collection, +turned me out, shut the door on me, and I saw no more of them! + +Thus, in a moment, all my flattering expectations were at an end; and +nothing remained from my interested conversion but the remembrance of +having been made both a dupe and an apostate. It is easy to imagine what +a sudden revolution was produced in my ideas, when every brilliant +expectation of making a fortune terminated by seeing myself plunged +in the completest misery. In the morning I was deliberating what palace +I should inhabit, before night I was reduced to seek my lodging in the +street. It may be supposed that I gave myself up to the most violent +transports of despair, rendered more bitter by a consciousness that my +own folly had reduced me to these extremities; but the truth is, I +experienced none of these disagreeable sensations. I had passed two +months in absolute confinement; this was new to me; I was now +emancipated, and the sentiment I felt most forcibly, was joy at my +recovered liberty. After a slavery which had appeared tedious, I was +again master of my time and actions, in a great city, abundant in +resources, crowded with people of fortune, to whom my merit and talents +could not fail to recommend me. I had sufficient time before me to +expect this good fortune, for my twenty livres seemed an inexhaustible +treasure, which I might dispose of without rendering an account of to +anyone. It was the first time I had found myself so rich, and far from +giving way to melancholy reflections, I only adopted other hopes, in +which self-love was by no means a loser. Never did I feel so great a +degree of confidence and security; I looked on my fortune as already made +and was pleased to think I should have no one but myself to thank for the +acquisition of it. + +The first thing I did was to satisfy my curiosity by rambling all over +the city, and I seemed to consider it as a confirmation of my liberty; I +went to see the soldiers mount guard, and was delighted with their +military accouterment; I followed processions, and was pleased with the +solemn music of the priests; I next went to see the king's palace, which +I approached with awe, but seeing others enter, I followed their example, +and no one prevented me; perhaps I owed this favor to the small parcel I +carried under my arm; be that as it may, I conceived a high opinion of my +consequence from this circumstance, and already thought myself an +inhabitant there. The weather was hot; I had walked about till I was +both fatigued and hungry; wishing for some refreshment, I went into a +milk-house; they brought me some cream-cheese curds and whey, and two +slices of that excellent Piedmont bread, which I prefer to any other; and +for five or six sous I had one of the most delicious meals I ever +recollect to have made. + +It was time to seek a lodging: as I already knew enough of the +Piedmontese language to make myself understood, this was a work of no +great difficulty; and I had so much prudence, that I wished to adapt it +rather to the state of my purse than the bent of my inclinations. In the +course of my inquiries, I was informed that a soldier's wife, in Po- +street, furnished lodgings to servants out of place at only one sou a +night, and finding one of her poor beds disengaged, I took possession of +it. She was young and newly married, though she already had five or six +children. Mother, children and lodgers, all slept in the same chamber, +and it continued thus while I remained there. She was good-natured, +swore like a carman, and wore neither cap nor handkerchief; but she had a +gentle heart, was officious; and to me both kind and serviceable. + +For several days I gave myself up to the pleasures of independence and +curiosity; I continued wandering about the city and its environs, +examining every object that seemed curious or new; and, indeed, most +things had that appearance to a young novice. I never omitted visiting +the court, and assisted regularly every morning at the king's mass. +I thought it a great honor to be in the same chapel with this prince +and his retinue; but my passion for music, which now began to make its +appearance, was a greater incentive than the splendor of the court, +which, soon seen and always the same, presently lost its attraction. +The King of Sardinia had at that time the best music in Europe; Somis, +Desjardins, and the Bezuzzi shone there alternately; all these were not +necessary to fascinate a youth whom the sound of the most simple +instrument, provided it was just, transported with joy. Magnificence +only produced a stupid admiration, without any violent desire to partake +of it, my thoughts were principally employed in observing whether any +young princess was present that merited my homage, and whom I could make +the heroine of a romance. + +Meantime, I was on the point of beginning one; in a less elevated sphere, +it is true, but where could I have brought it to a conclusion, I should +have found pleasures a thousand times more delicious. + +Though I lived with the strictest economy, my purse insensibly grew +lighter. This economy was, however, less the effect of prudence than +that love of simplicity, which, even to this day, the use of the most +expensive tables has not been able to vitiate. Nothing in my idea, +either at that time or since, could exceed a rustic repast; give me milk, +vegetables, eggs, and brown bread, with tolerable wine and I shall always +think myself sumptuously regaled; a good appetite will furnish out the +rest, if the maitre d' hotel, with a number of unnecessary footmen, do +not satiate me with their important attentions. Five or six sous would +then procure me a more agreeable meal than as many livres would have done +since; I was abstemious, therefore, for want of a temptation to be +otherwise: though I do not know but I am wrong to call this abstinence, +for with my pears, new cheese, bread and some glasses of Montferrat wine, +which you might have cut with a knife, I was the greatest of epicures. +Notwithstanding my expenses were very moderate, it was possible to see +the end of twenty livres; I was every day more convinced of this, and, +spite of the giddiness of youth, my apprehensions for the future amounted +almost to terror. All my castles in the air were vanished, and I became +sensible of the necessity of seeking some occupation that would procure +me a subsistence. + +Even this was a work of difficulty; I thought of my engraving, but knew +too little of it to be employed as a journeyman, nor do masters abound in +Turin; I resolved, therefore, till something better presented itself, to +go from shop to shop, offering to engrave ciphers, or coats of arms, on +pieces of plate, etc., and hoped to get employment by working at a low +price; or taking what they chose to give me. Even this expedient did not +answer my expectations; almost all my applications were ineffectual, the +little I procured being hardly sufficient to produce a few scanty meals. + +Walking one morning pretty early in the 'Contra nova', I saw a young +tradeswoman behind a counter, whose looks were so charmingly attractive, +that, notwithstanding my timidity with the ladies, I entered the shop +without hesitation, offered my services as usual: and had the happiness +to have it accepted. She made me sit down and recite my little history, +pitied my forlorn situation; bade me be cheerful, and endeavored to make +me so by an assurance that every good Christian would give me assistance; +then (while she had occasion for) she went up stairs and fetched me +something for breakfast. This seemed a promising beginning, nor was what +followed less flattering: she was satisfied with my work, and, when I had +a little recovered myself, still more with my discourse. She was rather +elegantly dressed and notwithstanding her gentle looks this appearance of +gayety had disconcerted me; but her good-nature, the compassionate tone +of her voice, with her gentle and caressing manner, soon set me at ease +with myself; I saw my endeavors to please were crowned with success, and +this assurance made me succeed the more. Though an Italian, and too +pretty to be entirely devoid of coquetry, she had so much modesty, and I +so great a share of timidity, that our adventure was not likely to be +brought to a very speedy conclusion, nor did they give us time to make +any good of it. I cannot recall the few short moments I passed with this +lovely woman without being sensible of an inexpressible charm, and can +yet say, it was there I tasted in their utmost perfection the most +delightful, as well as the purest pleasures of love. + +She was a lively pleasing brunette, and the good nature that was painted +on her lovely face rendered her vivacity more interesting. She was +called Madam Basile: her husband, who was considerably older than +herself, consigned her, during his absence, to the care of a clerk, too +disagreeable to be thought dangerous; but who, notwithstanding, had +pretensions that he seldom showed any signs of, except of ill--humors, a +good share of which he bestowed on me; though I was pleased to hear him +play the flute, on which he was a tolerable musician. This second +Egistus was sure to grumble whenever he saw me go into his mistress' +apartment, treating me with a degree of disdain which she took care to +repay him with interest; seeming pleased to caress me in his presence, +on purpose to torment him. This kind of revenge, though perfectly to my +taste, would have been still more charming in a 'tete a tete', but she +did not proceed so far; at least, there was a difference in the +expression of her kindness. Whether she thought me too young, that it +was my place to make advances, or that she was seriously resolved to be +virtuous, she had at such times a kind of reserve, which, though not +absolutely discouraging, kept my passion within bounds. + +I did not feel the same real and tender respect for her as I did for +Madam de Warrens: I was embarrassed, agitated, feared to look, and hardly +dared to breathe in her presence, yet to have left her would have been +worse than death: How fondly did my eyes devour whatever they could gaze +on without being perceived! the flowers on her gown, the point of her +pretty foot, the interval of a round white arm that appeared between her +glove and ruffle, the least part of her neck, each object increased the +force of all the rest, and added to the infatuation. Gazing thus on what +was to be seen, and even more than was to be seen, my sight became +confused, my chest seemed contracted, respiration was every moment more +painful. I had the utmost difficulty to hide my agitation, to prevent my +sighs from being heard, and this difficulty was increased by the silence +in which we were frequently plunged. Happily, Madam Basile, busy at her +work, saw nothing of all this, or seemed not to see it: yet I sometimes +observed a kind of sympathy, especially at the frequent rising of her +handkerchief, and this dangerous sight almost mastered every effort, but +when on the point of giving way to my transports, she spoke a few words +to me with an air of tranquility, and in an instant the agitation +subsided. + +I saw her several times in this manner without a word, a gesture, or even +a look, too expressive, making the least intelligence between us. The +situation was both my torment and delight, for hardly in the simplicity +of my heart, could I imagine the cause of my uneasiness. I should +suppose these 'tete a tete' could not be displeasing to her, at least, +she sought frequent occasions to renew them; this was a very +disinterested labor, certainly, as appeared by the use she made, or ever +suffered me to make of them. + +Being, one day, wearied with the clerk's discourse, she had retired to +her chamber; I made haste to finish what I had to do in the back shop, +and followed her; the door was half open, and I entered without being +perceived. She was embroidering near a window on the opposite side of +the room; she could not see me; and the carts in the streets made too +much noise for me to be heard. She was always well dressed, but this day +her attire bordered on coquetry. Her attitude was graceful, her head +leaning gently forward, discovered a small circle of her neck; her hair, +elegantly dressed was ornamented with flowers; her figure was universally +charming, and I had an uninterrupted opportunity to admire it. I was +absolutely in a state of ecstasy, and, involuntary, sinking on my knees, +I passionately extended my arms towards her, certain she could not hear, +and having no conception that she could see me; but there was a chimney +glass at the end of the room that betrayed all my proceedings. I am +ignorant what effect this transport produced on her; she did not speak; +she did not look on me; but, partly turning her head, with the movement +of her finger only, she pointed to the mat that was at her feet--To start +up, with an articulate cry of joy, and occupy the place she had +indicated, was the work of a moment; but it will hardly be believed I +dared attempt no more, not even to speak, raise my eyes to hers, or rest +an instant on her knees, though in an attitude which seemed to render +such a support necessary. I was dumb, immovable, but far enough from a +state of tranquility; agitation, joy, gratitude, ardent indefinite +wishes, restrained by the fear of giving displeasure, which my +unpractised heart too much dreaded, were sufficiently discernible. She +neither appeared more tranquil, nor less intimidated than myself--uneasy +at my present situation; confounded at having brought me there, beginning +to tremble for the effects of a sign which she had made without +reflecting on the consequences, neither giving encouragement, nor +expressing disapprobation, with her eyes fixed on her work, she +endeavored to appear unconscious of everything that passed; but all my +stupidity could not hinder me from concluding that she partook of my +embarrassment, perhaps, my transports, and was only hindered by a +bashfulness like mine, without even that supposition giving me power to +surmount it. Five or six years older than myself, every advance, +according to my idea, should have been made by her, and, since she did +nothing to encourage mine, I concluded they would offend her. Even at +this time, I am inclined to believe I thought right; she certainly had +wit enough to perceive that a novice like me had occasion, not only for +encouragement but instruction. + +I am ignorant how this animated, though dumb scene would have ended, or +how long I should have continued immovable in this ridiculous, though +delicious, situation, had we not been interrupted--in the height of my +agitation, I heard the kitchen door open, which joined Madam Basile's +chamber; who, being alarmed, said, with a quick voice and action, "Get +up! Here's Rosina!" Rising hastily I seized one of her hands, which she +held out to me, and gave it two eager kisses; at the second I felt this +charming hand press gently on my lips. Never in my life did I enjoy so +sweet a moment; but the occasion I had lost returned no more, this being +the conclusion of our amours. + +This may be the reason why her image yet remains imprinted on my heart +in such charming colors, which have even acquired fresh lustre since I +became acquainted with the world and women. Had she been mistress of the +least degree of experience, she would have taken other measures to +animate so youthful a lover; but if her heart was weak, it was virtuous; +and only suffered itself to be borne away by a powerful though +involuntary inclination. This was, apparently, her first infidelity, and +I should, perhaps, have found more difficulty in vanquishing her scruples +than my own; but, without proceeding so far, I experienced in her company +the most inexpressible delights. Never did I taste with any other woman +pleasures equal to those two minutes which I passed at the feet of Madam +Basile without even daring to touch her gown. I am convinced no +satisfaction can be compared to that we feel with a virtuous woman we +esteem; all is transport!--A sign with the finger, a hand lightly pressed +against my lips, were the only favors I ever received from Madam Basile, +yet the bare remembrance of these trifling condescensions continues to +transport me. + +It was in vain I watched the two following days for another tete a tete; +it was impossible to find an opportunity; nor could I perceive on her +part any desire to forward it; her behavior was not colder, but more +distant than usual, and I believe she avoided my looks for fear of not +being able sufficiently to govern her own. The cursed clerk was more +vexatious than ever; he even became a wit, telling me, with a satirical +sneer, that I should unquestionably make my way among the ladies. I +trembled lest I should have been guilty of some indiscretion, and looking +at myself as already engaged in an intrigue, endeavored to cover with an +air of mystery an inclination which hitherto certainly had no great need +of it; this made me more circumspect in my choice of opportunities, and +by resolving only to seize such as should be absolutely free from the +danger of a surprise, I met none. + +Another romantic folly, which I could never overcome, and which, joined +to my natural timidity, tended directly to contradict the clerk's +predictions, is, I always loved too sincerely, too perfectly, I may say, +to find happiness easily attainable. Never were passions at the same +time more lively and pure than mine; never was love more tender, more +true, or more disinterested; freely would I have sacrificed my own +happiness to that of the object of my affection; her reputation was +dearer than my life, and I could promise myself no happiness for which I +would have exposed her peace of mind for a moment. This disposition has +ever made me employ so much care, use so many precautions, such secrecy +in my adventures, that all of them have failed; in a word, my want of +success with the women has ever proceeded from having loved them too +well. + +To return to our Egistus, the fluter; it was remarkable that in becoming +more insupportable, the traitor put on the appearance of complaisance. +From the first day Madam Basile had taken me under her protection, she +had endeavored to make me serviceable in the warehouse; and finding I +understood arithmetic tolerably well, she proposed his teaching me to +keep the books; a proposition that was but indifferently received by this +humorist, who might, perhaps, be fearful of being supplanted. As this +failed, my whole employ, besides what engraving I had to do, was to +transcribe some bills and accounts, to write several books over fair, +and translate commercial letters from Italian into French. All at once +he thought fit to accept the before rejected proposal, saying, he would +teach me bookkeeping, by double--entry, and put me in a situation to +offer my services to M. Basile on his return; but there was something so +false, malicious, and ironical, in his air and manner, that it was by no +means calculated to inspire me with confidence. Madam Basile, replied +archly, that I was much obliged to him for his kind offer, but she hoped +fortune would be more favorable to my merits, for it would be a great +misfortune, with so much sense, that I should only be a pitiful clerk. + +She often said, she would procure me some acquaintance that might be +useful; she doubtless felt the necessity of parting with me, and had +prudently resolved on it. Our mute declaration had been made on +Thursday, the Sunday following she gave a dinner. A Jacobin of good +appearance was among the guests, to whom she did me the honor to present +me. The monk treated me very affectionately, congratulated me on my late +conversion, mentioned several particulars of my story, which plainly +showed he had been made acquainted with it, then, tapping me familiarly +on the cheek, bade me be good, to keep up my spirits, and come to see him +at his convent, where he should have more opportunity to talk with me. +I judged him to be a person of some consequence by the deference that was +paid him; and by the paternal tone he assumed with Madam Basile, to be +her confessor. I likewise remember that his decent familiarity was +attended with an appearance of esteem, and even respect for his fair +penitent, which then made less impression on me than at present. Had I +possessed more experience how should I have congratulated myself on +having touched the heart of a young woman respected by her confessor! + +The table not being large enough to accommodate all the company, a small +one was prepared, where I had the satisfaction of dining with our +agreeable clerk; but I lost nothing with regard to attention and good +cheer, for several plates were sent to the side-table which were +certainly not intended for him. + +Thus far all went well; the ladies were in good spirits, and the +gentlemen very gallant, while Madam Basile did the honors of the table +with peculiar grace. In the midst of the dinner we heard a chaise stop +at the door, and presently some one coming up stairs--it was M. Basile. +Methinks I now see him entering, in his scarlet coat with gold buttons-- +from that day I have held the color in abhorrence. M. Basile was a tall +handsome man, of good address: he entered with a consequential look and +an air of taking his family unawares, though none but friends were +present. His wife ran to meet him, threw her arms about his neck, and +gave him a thousand caresses, which he received with the utmost +indifference; and without making any return saluted the company and took +his place at table. They were just beginning to speak of his journey, +when casting his eye on the small table he asked in a sharp tone, what +lad that was? Madam Basile answered ingenuously. He then inquired +whether I lodged in the house; and was answered in the negative. "Why +not?" replied he, rudely, "since he stays here all day, he might as well +remain all night too." The monk now interfered, with a serious and true +eulogium on Madam Basile: in a few words he made mine also, adding, that +so far from blaming, he ought to further the pious charity of his wife, +since it was evident she had not passed the bounds of discretion. The +husband answered with an air of petulance, which (restrained by the +presence of the monk) he endeavored to stifle; it was, however, +sufficient to let me understand he had already received information of +me, and that our worthy clerk had rendered me an ill office. + +We had hardly risen from table, when the latter came in triumph from his +employer, to inform me, I must leave the house that instant, and never +more during my life dare to set foot there. He took care to aggravate +this commission by everything that could render it cruel and insulting. +I departed without a word, my heart overwhelmed with sorrow, less for +being obliged to quit this amiable woman, than at the thought of leaving +her to the brutality of such a husband. He was certainly right to wish +her faithful; but though prudent and wellborn, she was an Italian, that +is to say, tender and vindictive; which made me think, he was extremely +imprudent in using means the most likely in the world to draw on himself +the very evil he so much dreaded. + +Such was the success of my first adventure. I walked several times up +and down the street, wishing to get a sight of what my heart incessantly +regretted; but I could only discover her husband, or the vigilant clerk, +who, perceiving me, made a sign with the ell they used in the shop, which +was more expressive than alluring: finding, therefore, that I was so +completely watched, my courage failed, and I went no more. I wished, +at least, to find out the patron she had provided me, but, unfortunately, +I did not know his name. I ranged several times round the convent, +endeavoring in vain to meet with him. At length, other events banished +the delightful remembrance of Madam Basile; and in a short time I so far +forgot her, that I remained as simple, as much a novice as ever, nor did +my penchant for pretty women even receive any sensible augmentation. + +Her liberality had, however, increased my little wardrobe, though she had +done this with precaution and prudence, regarding neatness more than +decoration, and to make me comfortable rather than brilliant. The coat I +had brought from Geneva was yet wearable, she only added a hat and some +linen. I had no ruffles, nor would she give me any, not but I felt a +great inclination for them. She was satisfied with having put it in my +power to keep myself clean, though a charge to do this was unnecessary +while I was to appear before her. + +A few days after this catastrophe; my hostess, who, as I have already +observed, was very friendly, with great satisfaction informed me she had +heard of a situation, and that a lady of rank desired to see me. I +immediately thought myself in the road to great adventures; that being +the point to which all my ideas tended: this, however, did not prove so +brilliant as I had conceived it. I waited on the lady with the servant; +who had mentioned me: she asked a number of questions, and my answers not +displeasing her, I immediately entered into her service not, indeed, in +the quality of favorite, but as a footman. I was clothed like the rest +of her people, the only difference being, they wore a shoulder--knot, +which I had not, and, as there was no lace on her livery, it appeared +merely a tradesman's suit. This was the unforeseen conclusion of all my +great expectancies! + +The Countess of Vercellis, with whom I now lived, was a widow without +children; her husband was a Piedmontese, but I always believed her to be +a Savoyard, as I could have no conception that a native of Piedmont could +speak such good French, and with so pure an accent. She was a middle- +aged woman, of a noble appearance and cultivated understanding, being +fond of French literature, in which she was well versed. Her letters had +the expression, and almost the elegance of Madam de Savigne's; some of +them might have been taken for hers. My principal employ, which was by +no means displeasing to me, was to write from her dictating; a cancer in +the breast, from which she suffered extremely, not permitting her to +write herself. + +Madam de Vercellis not only possessed a good understanding, but a strong +and elevated soul. I was with her during her last illness, and saw her +suffer and die, without showing an instant of weakness, or the least +effort of constraint; still retaining her feminine manners, without +entertaining an idea that such fortitude gave her any claim to +philosophy; a word which was not yet in fashion, nor comprehended by her +in the sense it is held at present. This strength of disposition +sometimes extended almost to apathy, ever appearing to feel as little for +others as herself; and when she relieved the unfortunate, it was rather +for the sake of acting right, than from a principle of real +commiseration. I have frequently experienced this insensibility, in some +measure, during the three months I remained with her. It would have been +natural to have had an esteem for a young man of some abilities, who was +incessantly under her observation, and that she should think, as she felt +her dissolution approaching, that after her death he would have occasion +for assistance and support: but whether she judged me unworthy of +particular attention, or that those who narrowly watched all her motions, +gave her no opportunity to think of any but themselves, she did nothing +for me. + +I very well recollect that she showed some curiosity to know my story, +frequently questioning me, and appearing pleased when I showed her the +letters I wrote to Madam de Warrens, or explained my sentiments; but as +she never discovered her own, she certainly did not take the right means +to come at them. My heart, naturally communicative, loved to display its +feelings, whenever I encountered a similar disposition; but dry, cold +interrogatories, without any sign of blame or approbation on my answers, +gave me no confidence. Not being able to determine whether my discourse +was agreeable or displeasing, I was ever in fear, and thought less of +expressing my ideas, than of being careful not to say anything that might +seem to my disadvantage. I have since remarked that this dry method of +questioning themselves into people's characters is a common trick among +women who pride themselves on superior understanding. These imagine, +that by concealing their own sentiments, they shall the more easily +penetrate into those of others; being ignorant that this method destroys +the confidence so necessary to make us reveal them. A man, on being +questioned, is immediately on his guard: and if once he supposes that, +without any interest in his concerns, you only wish to set him a-talking, +either he entertains you with lies, is silent, or, examining every word +before he utters it, rather chooses to pass for a fool, than to be the +dupe of your curiosity. In short, it is ever a bad method to attempt to +read the hearts of others by endeavoring to conceal our own. + +Madam de Vercellis never addressed a word to me which seemed to express +affection, pity, or benevolence. She interrogated me coldly, and my +answers were uttered with so much timidity, that she doubtless +entertained but a mean opinion of my intellects, for latterly she never +asked me any questions, nor said anything but what was absolutely +necessary for her service. She drew her judgment less from what I really +was, than from what she had made me, and by considering me as a footman +prevented my appearing otherwise. + +I am inclined to think I suffered at that time by the same interested +game of concealed manoeuvre, which has counteracted me throughout my +life, and given me a very natural aversion for everything that has the +least appearance of it. Madam de Vercellis having no children, her +nephew, the Count de la Roque, was her heir, and paid his court +assiduously, as did her principal domestics, who, seeing her end +approaching, endeavored to take care of themselves; in short, so many +were busy about her, that she could hardly have found time to think of +me. At the head of her household was a M. Lorenzy, an artful genius, +with a still more artful wife; who had so far insinuated herself into the +good graces of her mistress, that she was rather on the footing of a +friend than a servant. She had introduced a niece of hers as lady's +maid: her name was Mademoiselle Pontal; a cunning gypsy, that gave +herself all the airs of a waiting-woman, and assisted her aunt so well in +besetting the countess, that she only saw with their eyes, and acted +through their hands. I had not the happiness to please this worthy +triumvirate; I obeyed, but did not wait on them, not conceiving that my +duty to our general mistress required me to be a servant to her servants. +Besides this, I was a person that gave them some inquietude; they saw I +was not in my proper situation, and feared the countess would discover it +likewise, and by placing me in it, decrease their portions; for such sort +of people, too greedy to be just, look on every legacy given to others as +a diminution of their own wealth; they endeavored, therefore, to keep me +as much out of her sight as possible. She loved to write letters, in her +situation, but they contrived to give her a distaste to it; persuading +her, by the aid of the doctor, that it was too fatiguing; and, under +pretence that I did not understand how to wait on her, they employed two +great lubberly chairmen for that purpose; in a word, they managed the +affair so well, that for eight days before she made her will, I had not +been permitted to enter the chamber. Afterwards I went in as usual, and +was even more assiduous than any one, being afflicted at the sufferings +of the unhappy lady, whom I truly respected and beloved for the calmness +and fortitude with which she bore her illness, and often did I shed tears +of real sorrow without being perceived by any one. + +At length we lost her--I saw her expire. She had lived like a woman of +sense and virtue, her death was that of a philosopher. I can truly say, +she rendered the Catholic religion amiable to me by the serenity with +which she fulfilled its dictates, without any mixture of negligence or +affectation. She was naturally serious, but towards the end of her +illness she possessed a kind of gayety, too regular to be assumed, which +served as a counterpoise to the melancholy of her situation. She only +kept her bed two days, continuing to discourse cheerfully with those +about her to the very last. + +She had bequeathed a year's wages to all the under servants, but, not +being on the household list, I had nothing: the Count de la Roque, +however, ordered me thirty livres, and the new coat I had on, which M. +Lorenzy would certainly have taken from me. He even promised to procure +me a place; giving me permission to wait on him as often as I pleased. +Accordingly, I went two or three times, without being able to speak to +him, and as I was easily repulsed, returned no more; whether I did wrong +will be seen hereafter. + +Would I had finished what I have to say of my living at Madam de +Vercellis's. Though my situation apparently remained the same, I did not +leave her house as I had entered it: I carried with me the long and +painful remembrance of a crime; an insupportable weight of remorse which +yet hangs on my conscience, and whose bitter recollection, far from +weakening, during a period of forty years, seems to gather strength as I +grow old. Who would believe, that a childish fault should be productive +of such melancholy consequences? But it is for the more than probable +effects that my heart cannot be consoled. I have, perhaps, caused an +amiable, honest, estimable girl, who surely merited a better fate than +myself, to perish with shame and misery. + +Though it is very difficult to break up housekeeping without confusion, +and the loss of some property; yet such was the fidelity of the +domestics, and the vigilance of M. and Madam Lorenzy, that no article of +the inventory was found wanting; in short, nothing was missing but a pink +and silver ribbon, which had been worn, and belonged to Mademoiselle +Pontal. Though several things of more value were in my reach, this +ribbon alone tempted me, and accordingly I stole it. As I took no great +pains to conceal the bauble, it was soon discovered; they immediately +insisted on knowing from whence I had taken it; this perplexed me--I +hesitated, and at length said, with confusion, that Marion gave it me. + +Marion was a young Mauriennese, and had been cook to Madam de Vercellis +ever since she left off giving entertainments, for being sensible she had +more need of good broths than fine ragouts, she had discharged her former +one. Marion was not only pretty, but had that freshness of color only to +be found among the mountains, and, above all, an air of modesty and +sweetness, which made it impossible to see her without affection; she was +besides a good girl, virtuous, and of such strict fidelity, that everyone +was surprised at hearing her named. They had not less confidence in me, +and judged it necessary to certify which of us was the thief. Marion was +sent for; a great number of people were present, among whom was the Count +de la Roque: she arrives; they show her the ribbon; I accuse her boldly: +she remains confused and speechless, casting a look on me that would have +disarmed a demon, but which my barbarous heart resisted. At length, she +denied it with firmness, but without anger, exhorting me to return to +myself, and not injure an innocent girl who had never wronged me. With +infernal impudence, I confirmed my accusation, and to her face maintained +she had given me the ribbon: on which, the poor girl, bursting into +tears, said these words--"Ah, Rousseau! I thought you a good +disposition--you render me very unhappy, but I would not be in your +situation." She continued to defend herself with as much innocence as +firmness, but without uttering the least invective against me. Her +moderation, compared to my positive tone, did her an injury; as it did +not appear natural to suppose, on one side such diabolical assurance; on +the other, such angelic mildness. The affair could not be absolutely +decided, but the presumption was in my favor; and the Count de la Roque, +in sending us both away, contented himself with saying, "The conscience +of the guilty would revenge the innocent." His prediction was true, and +is being daily verified. + +I am ignorant what became of the victim of my calumny, but there is +little probability of her having been able to place herself agreeably +after this, as she labored under an imputation cruel to her character in +every respect. The theft was a trifle, yet it was a theft, and, what was +worse, employed to seduce a boy; while the lie and obstinacy left nothing +to hope from a person in whom so many vices were united. I do not even +look on the misery and disgrace in which I plunged her as the greatest +evil: who knows, at her age, whither contempt and disregarded innocence +might have led her?--Alas! if remorse for having made her unhappy is +insupportable, what must I have suffered at the thought of rendering her +even worse than myself. The cruel remembrance of this transaction, +sometimes so troubles and disorders me, that, in my disturbed slumbers, +I imagine I see this poor girl enter and reproach me with my crime, +as though I had committed it but yesterday. While in easy tranquil +circumstances, I was less miserable on this account, but, during a +troubled agitated life, it has robbed me of the sweet consolation of +persecuted innocence, and made me wofully experience, what, I think, I +have remarked in some of my works, that remorse sleeps in the calm +sunshine of prosperity, but wakes amid the storms of adversity. I could +never take on me to discharge my heart of this weight in the bosom of a +friend; nor could the closest intimacy ever encourage me to it, even with +Madam de Warrens: all I could do, was to own I had to accuse myself of an +atrocious crime, but never said in what it consisted. The weight, +therefore, has remained heavy on my conscience to this day; and I can +truly own the desire of relieving myself, in some measure, from it, +contributed greatly to the resolution of writing my Confessions. + +I have proceeded truly in that I have just made, and it will certainly be +thought I have not sought to palliate the turpitude of my offence; but I +should not fulfill the purpose of this undertaking, did I not, at the +same time, divulge my interior disposition, and excuse myself as far as +is conformable with truth. + +Never was wickedness further from my thoughts, than in that cruel moment; +and when I accused the unhappy girl, it is strange, but strictly true, +that my friendship for her was the immediate cause of it. She was +present to my thoughts; I formed my excuse from the first object that +presented itself: I accused her with doing what I meant to have done, +and as I designed to have given her the ribbon, asserted she had given +it to me. When she appeared, my heart was agonized, but the presence +of so many people was more powerful than my compunction. I did not fear +punishment, but I dreaded shame: I dreaded it more than death, more than +the crime, more than all the world. I would have buried, hid myself in +the centre of the earth: invincible shame bore down every other +sentiment; shame alone caused all my impudence, and in proportion as I +became criminal, the fear of discovery rendered me intrepid. I felt no +dread but that of being detected, of being publicly, and to my face, +declared a thief, liar, and calumniator; an unconquerable fear of this +overcame every other sensation. Had I been left to myself, I should +infallibly have declared the truth. Or if M. de la Rogue had taken me +aside, and said--"Do not injure this poor girl; if you are guilty own +it,"--I am convinced I should instantly have thrown myself at his feet; +but they intimidated, instead of encouraging me. I was hardly out of my +childhood, or rather, was yet in it. It is also just to make some +allowance for my age. In youth, dark, premeditated villainy is more +criminal than in a riper age, but weaknesses are much less so; my fault +was truly nothing more; and I am less afflicted at the deed itself than +for its consequences. It had one good effect, however, in preserving me +through the rest of my life from any criminal action, from the terrible +impression that has remained from the only one I ever committed; and I +think my aversion for lying proceeds in a great measure from regret at +having been guilty of so black a one. If it is a crime that can be +expiated, as I dare believe, forty years of uprightness and honor on +various difficult occasions, with the many misfortunes that have +overwhelmed my latter years, may have completed it. Poor Marion has +found so many avengers in this world, that however great my offence +towards her, I do not fear to bear the guilt with me. Thus have I +disclosed what I had to say on this painful subject; may I be permitted +never to mention it again. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +A man, on being questioned, is immediately on his guard +A religion preached by such missionaries must lead to paradise! +Aversion to singularity +Avoid putting our interests in competition with our duty +Catholic must content himself with the decisions of others +Disgusted with the idle trifling of a convent +Dissembler, though, in fact, I was only courteous +Ever appearing to feel as little for others as herself +Flattery, or rather condescension, is not always a vice +Hopes, in which self-love was by no means a loser +I did not fear punishment, but I dreaded shame +I felt no dread but that of being detected +I only wished to avoid giving offence +Instead of being delighted with the journey only wished arrival +Left to nature the whole care of my own instruction +Making me sensible of every deficiency +Myself the principal object +Obtain their wishes, without permitting or promising anything +Piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of it +Placing unbounded confidence in myself and others +Proportioned rather to her ideas than abilities +Protestants, in general, are better instructed +Read the hearts of others by endeavoring to conceal our own +Remorse sleeps in the calm sunshine of prosperity +Remorse wakes amid the storms of adversity +Sometimes encourage hopes they never mean to realize +The conscience of the guilty would revenge the innocent +Where merit consists in belief, and not in virtue +Whole universe would be interested in my concerns +Yielded him the victory, or rather declined the contest + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v2 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK III. + + +Leaving the service of Madam de Vercellis nearly as I had entered it, +I returned to my former hostess, and remained there five or six weeks; +during which time health, youth, and laziness, frequently rendered my +temperament importunate. I was restless, absent, and thoughtful: I wept +and sighed for a happiness I had no idea of, though at the same time +highly sensible of some deficiency. This situation is indescribable, +few men can even form any conception of it, because, in general, they +have prevented that plenitude of life, at once tormenting and delicious. +My thoughts were incessantly occupied with girls and women, but in a +manner peculiar to myself: these ideas kept my senses in a perpetual and +disagreeable activity, though, fortunately, they did not point out the +means of deliverance. I would have given my life to have met with a Miss +Goton, but the time was past in which the play of infancy predominated; +increase of years had introduced shame, the inseparable companion of a +conscious deviation from rectitude, which so confirmed my natural +timidity as to render it invincible; and never, either at that time or +since, could I prevail on myself to offer a proposition favorable to my +wishes (unless in a manner constrained to it by previous advances) even +with those whose scruples I had no cause to dread. + +My stay at Madam de Vercellis's had procured me some acquaintance, which +I thought might be serviceable to me, and therefore wished to retain. +Among others, I sometimes visited a Savoyard abbe, M. Gaime, who was +tutor to the Count of Melarede's children. He was young, and not much +known, but possessed an excellent cultivated understanding, with great +probity, and was, altogether, one of the best men I ever knew. He was +incapable of doing me the service I then stood most in need of, not +having sufficient interest to procure me a situation, but from him I +reaped advantages far more precious, which have been useful to me through +life, lessons of pure morality, and maxims of sound judgment. + +In the successive order of my inclinations and ideas, I had ever been too +high or too low. Achilles or Thersites; sometimes a hero, at others a +villain. M. Gaime took pains to make me properly acquainted with myself, +without sparing or giving me too much discouragement. He spoke in +advantageous terms of my disposition and talents, adding, that he foresaw +obstacles which would prevent my profiting by them; thus, according to +him, they were to serve less as steps by which I should mount to fortune, +than as resources which might enable me to exist without one. He gave me +a true picture of human life, of which, hitherto, I had formed but a very +erroneous idea, teaching me, that a man of understanding, though destined +to experience adverse fortune, might, by skilful management, arrive at +happiness; that there was no true felicity without virtue, which was +practicable in every situation. He greatly diminished my admiration of +grandeur, by proving that those in a superior situation are neither +better nor happier than those they command. One of his maxims has +frequently returned to my memory: it was, that if we could truly read the +hearts of others we should feel more inclination to descend than rise: +this reflection, the truth of which is striking without extravagance, +I have found of great utility, in the various exigences of my life, as it +tended to make me satisfied with my condition. He gave me the first just +conception of relative duties, which my high-flown imagination had ever +pictured in extremes, making me sensible that the enthusiasm of sublime +virtues is of little use in society; that while endeavoring to rise too +high we are in danger of falling; and that a virtuous and uniform +discharge of little duties requires as great a degree of fortitude as +actions which are called heroic, and would at the same time procure more +honor and happiness. That it was infinitely more desirable to possess +the lasting esteem of those about us, than at intervals to attract +admiration. + +In properly arranging the various duties between man and man, it was +necessary to ascend to principles; the step I had recently taken, and of +which my present situation was the consequence, naturally led us to speak +of religion. It will easily be conceived that the honest M. Gaime was, +in a great measure, the original of the Savoyard Vicar; prudence only +obliging him to deliver his sentiments, on certain points, with more +caution and reserve, and explain himself with less freedom; but his +sentiments and councils were the same, not even excepting his advice to +return to my country; all was precisely as I have since given it to the +pubic. Dwelling no longer, therefore, on conversations which everyone +may see the substance of, I shall only add, that these wise instructions +(though they did not produce an immediate effect) were as so many seeds +of virtue and religion in my heart which were never rooted out, and only +required the fostering cares of friendship to bring to maturity. + +Though my conversation was not very sincere, I was affected by his +discourses, and far from being weary, was pleased with them on account of +their clearness and simplicity, but above all because his heart seemed +interested in what he said. My disposition is naturally tender, I have +ever been less attached to people for the good they have really done me +than for that they designed to do, and my feelings in this particular +have seldom misled me: thus I truly esteemed M. Gaime. I was in a manner +his second disciple, which even at that time was of inestimable service +in turning me from a propensity to vice into which my idleness was +leading me. + +One day, when I least expected it, I was sent for by the Count de la +Roque. Having frequently called at his house, without being able to +speak with him, I grew weary, and supposing he had either forgot me or +retained some unfavorable impression of me, returned no more: but I was +mistaken in both these conjectures. He had more than once witnessed the +pleasure I took in fulfilling my duty to his aunt: he had even mentioned +it to her, and afterwards spoke of it, when I no longer thought of it +myself. + +He received me graciously, saying that instead of amusing me with useless +promises, he had sought to place me to advantage; that he had succeeded, +and would put me in a way to better my situation, but the rest must +depend on myself. That the family into which he should introduce me +being both powerful and esteemed, I should need no other patrons; and +though at first on the footing of a servant, I might he assured, that if +my conduct and sentiments were found above that station, I should not +long remain in it. The end of this discourse cruelly disappointed the +brilliant hopes the beginning had inspired. "What! forever a footman?" +said I to myself, with a bitterness which confidence presently effaced, +for I felt myself too superior to that situation to fear long remaining +there. + +He took me to the Count de Gauvon, Master of the Horse to the Queen, and +Chief of the illustrious House of Solar. The air of dignity conspicuous +in this respectable old man, rendered the affability with which he +received me yet more interesting. He questioned me with evident +interest, and I replied with sincerity. He then told the Count de la +Roque, that my features were agreeable, and promised intellect, which he +believed I was not deficient in; but that was not enough, and time must +show the rest; after which, turning to me, he said, "Child, almost all +situations are attended with difficulties in the beginning; yours, +however, shall not have too great a portion of them; be prudent, and +endeavor to please everyone, that will be almost your only employment; +for the rest fear nothing, you shall be taken care of." Immediately +after he went to the Marchioness de Breil, his daughter-in-law, to whom +he presented me, and then to the Abbe de Gauvon, his son. I was elated +with this beginning, as I knew enough of the world already to conclude, +that so much ceremony is not generally used at the reception of a +footman. In fact, I was not treated like one. I dined at the steward's +table; did not wear a livery; and the Count de Favria (a giddy youth) +having commanded me to get behind his coach, his grandfather ordered that +I should get behind no coach, nor follow any one out of the house. +Meantime, I waited at table, and did, within doors, the business of a +footman; but I did it, as it were, of my own free will, without being +appointed to any particular service; and except writing some letters, +which were dictated to me, and cutting out some ornaments for the Count +de Favria, I was almost the absolute master of my time. This trial of my +discretion, which I did not then perceive, was certainly very dangerous, +and not very humane; for in this state of idleness I might have +contracted vices which I should not otherwise have given into. +Fortunately, it did not produce that effect; my memory retained the +lessons of M. Gaime, they had made an impression on my heart, and I +sometimes escaped from the house of my patron to obtain a repetition of +them. I believe those who saw me going out, apparently by stealth, had +no conception of my business. Nothing could be more prudent than the +advice he gave me respecting my conduct. My beginning was admirable; so +much attention, assiduity, and zeal, had charmed everyone. The Abby +Gaime advised me to moderate this first ardor, lest I should relax, and +that relaxation should be considered as neglect. "Your setting out," +said he, "is the rule of what will be expected of you; endeavor gradually +to increase your attentions, but be cautious how you diminish them." + +As they paid but little attention to my trifling talents, and supposed I +possessed no more than nature had given me, there was no appearance +(notwithstanding the promises of Count de Gauvon) of my meeting with any +particular consideration. Some objects of more consequence had +intervened. The Marquis de Breil, son of the Count de Gauvon, was then +ambassador at Vienna; some circumstances had occurred at that court which +for some weeks kept the family in continual agitation, and left them no +time to think of me. Meantime I had relaxed but little in my attentions, +though one object in the family did me both good and harm, making me more +secure from exterior dissipation, but less attentive to my duty. + +Mademoiselle de Breil was about my own age, tolerably handsome, and very +fair complexioned, with black hair, which notwithstanding, gave her +features that air of softness so natural to the flaxen, and which my +heart could never resist. The court dress, so favorable to youth, showed +her fine neck and shape to advantage, and the mourning, which was then +worn, seemed to add to her beauty. It will be said, a domestic should +not take notice of these things; I was certainly to blame, yet I +perceived all this, nor was I the only one; the maitre d' hotel and valet +de chambre spoke of her sometimes at table with a vulgarity that pained +me extremely. My head, however, was not sufficiently turned to allow of +my being entirely in love; I did not forget myself, or my situation. +I loved to see Mademoiselle de Breil; to hear her utter anything that +marked wit, sense, or good humor: my ambition, confined to a desire of +waiting on her, never exceeded its just rights. At table I was ever +attentive to make the most of them; if her footman quitted her chair, +I instantly supplied his place; in default of this, I stood facing her, +seeking in her eyes what she was about to ask for, and watching the +moment to change her plate. What would I not have given to hear her +command, to have her look at, or speak the smallest word to me! but no, +I had the mortification to be beneath her regard; she did not even +perceive I was there. Her brother, who frequently spoke to me while at +table, having one day said something which I did not consider obliging, +I made him so arch and well-turned an answer, that it drew her attention; +she cast her eyes upon me, and this glance was sufficient to fill me with +transport. The next day, a second occasion presented itself, which I +fortunately made use of. A great dinner was given; and I saw, with +astonishment, for the first time, the maitre d' hotel waiting at table, +with a sword by his side, and hat on his head. By chance, the discourse +turned on the motto of the house of Solar, which was, with the arms, +worked in the tapestry: 'Tel fiert qui ne fue pas'. As the Piedmontese +are not in general very perfect in the French language, they found fault +with the orthography, saying, that in the word fiert there should be no +'t'. The old Count de Gauvon was going to reply, when happening to cast +his eyes on me, he perceived I smiled without daring to say anything; +he immediately ordered me to speak my opinion. I then said, I did not +think the 't' superfluous, 'fiert' being an old French word, not derived +from the noun 'ferus', proud, threatening; but from the verb 'ferit', he +strikes, he wounds; the motto, therefore, did not appear to mean, some +threat, but, 'Some strike who do not kill'. The whole company fixed +their eyes on me, then on each other, without speaking a word; never was +a greater degree of astonishment; but what most flattered me, was an air +of satisfaction which I perceived on the countenance of Mademoiselle de +Breil. This scornful lady deigned to cast on me a second look at least +as valuable as the former, and turning to her grandfather, appeared to +wait with impatience for the praise that was due to me, and which he +fully bestowed, with such apparent satisfaction, that it was eagerly +chorused by the whole table. This interval was short, but delightful in +many respects; it was one of those moments so rarely met with, which +place things in their natural order, and revenge depressed merit for the +injuries of fortune. Some minutes after Mademoiselle de Breil again +raised her eyes, desiring me with a voice of timid affability to give her +some drink. It will easily be supposed I did not let her wait, but +advancing towards her, I was seized with such a trembling, that having +filled the glass too full, I spilled some of the water on her plate, +and even on herself. Her brother asked me, giddily, why I trembled thus? +This question increased my confusion, while the face of Mademoiselle de +Breil was suffused with a crimson blush. + +Here ended the romance; where it may be remarked (as with Madam Basile, +and others in the continuation of my life) that I was not fortunate in +the conclusion of my amours. In vain I placed myself in the antechamber +of Madam de Breil, I could not obtain one mark of attention from her +daughter; she went in and out without looking at me, nor had I the +confidence to raise my eyes to her; I was even so foolishly stupid, that +one day, on dropping her glove as she passed, instead of seizing and +covering it with kisses, as I would gladly have done, I did not dare to +quit my place, but suffered it to be taken up by a great booby of a +footman, whom I could willingly have knocked down for his officiousness. +To complete my timidity, I perceived I had not the good fortune to please +Madam de Breil; she not only never ordered, but even rejected, my +services; and having twice found me in her antechamber, asked me, dryly, +"If I had nothing to do?" I was obliged, therefore, to renounce this +dear antechamber; at first it caused me some uneasiness, but other things +intervening, I presently thought no more of it. + +The disdain of Madam de Breil was fully compensated by the kindness of +her father-in-law, who at length began to think of me. The evening after +the entertainment, I have already mentioned, he had a conversation with +me that lasted half an hour, which appeared to satisfy him, and +absolutely enchanted me. This good man had less sense than Madam de +Vercellis, but possessed more feeling; I therefore succeeded much better +with him. He bade me attach myself to his son, the Abbe Gauvon, who had +an esteem for me, which, if I took care to cultivate, might be +serviceable in furnishing me with what was necessary to complete their +views for my future establishment. The next morning I flew to M. the +Abbe, who did not receive me as a servant, but made me sit by his +fireside, and questioned me with great affability. He soon found that my +education, which had attempted many things, had completed none; but +observing that I understood something of Latin, he undertook to teach me +more, and appointed me to attend him every morning. Thus, by one of the +whimsicalities which have marked the whole course of my life, at once +above and below my natural situation, I was pupil and footman in the same +house: and though in servitude, had a preceptor whose birth entitled him +to supply that place only to the children of kings. + +The Abbe de Gauvon was a younger son, and designed by his family for a +bishopric, for which reason his studies had been pursued, further than is +usual with people of quality. He had been sent to the university of +Sienna, where he had resided some years, and from whence he had brought a +good portion of cruscantism, designing to be that at Turin which the Abbe +de Dangeau was formerly at Paris. Being disgusted with theology, he gave +in to the belle-lettres, which is very frequent in Italy, with those who +have entered the career of prelacy. He had studied the poets, and wrote +tolerable Latin and Italian verses; in a word, his taste was calculated +to form mine, and give some order to that chaos of insignificant trash +with which my brain was encumbered; but whether my prating had misled +him, or that he could not support the trouble of teaching the elementary +parts of Latin, he put me at first too high; and I had scarcely +translated a few fables of Phoedrus before he put me into Virgil, where I +could hardly understand anything. It will be seen hereafter that I was +destined frequently to learn Latin, but never to attain it. I labored +with assiduity, and the abbe bestowed his attention with a degree of +kindness, the remembrance of which, even at this time, both interests and +softens me. I passed the greater part of the morning with him as much +for my own instruction as his service; not that he ever permitted me to +perform any menial office, but to copy, or write from his dictating; and +my employment of secretary was more useful than that of scholar, and by +this means I not only learned the Italian in its utmost purity, but also +acquired a taste for literature, and some discernment of composition, +which could not have been at La Tribu's, and which was useful to me when +I afterwards wrote alone. + +At this period of my life, without being romantic, I might reasonably +have indulged the hope of preferment. The abbe, thoroughly pleased with +me, expressed his satisfaction to everyone, while his father had such a +singular affection for me, that I was assured by the Count de Favria, +that he had spoken of me to the king; even Madam de Breil had laid aside +her disdainful looks; in short I was a general favorite, which gave great +jealousy to the other servants, who seeing me honored by the instructions +of their master's son, were persuaded I should not remain their equal. + +As far as I could judge by some words dropped at random, and which I +reflected on afterwards, it appeared to me, that the House of Solar, +wishing to run the career of embassies, and hoping perhaps in time to +arrive at the ministry, wished to provide themselves with a person of +merit and talents, who depending entirely on them, might obtain their +confidence, and be of essential service. This project of the Count de +Gauvon was judicious, magnanimous, and truly worthy of a powerful +nobleman, equally provident and generous; but besides my not seeing, at +that time, its full extent, it was far too rational for my brain, and +required too much confinement. + +My ridiculous ambition sought for fortune in the midst of brilliant +adventures, and not finding one woman in all this scheme, it appeared +tedious, painful and melancholy; though I should rather have thought it +more honorable on this account, as the species of merit generally +patronized by women is certainly less worthy that I was supposed to +possess. + +Everything succeeded to my wish: I had obtained, almost forced, the +esteem of all; the trial was over, and I was universally considered as a +young man with flattering prospects, who was not at present in his proper +sphere, but was expected soon to reach it; but my place was not assigned +me by man, and I was to reach it by very difficult paths. I now come to +one of those characteristic traits, which are so natural to me, and +which, indeed, the reader might have observed without this reflection. + +There were at Turin several new converts of my own stamp, whom I neither +liked nor wish to see; but I had met with some Genevese who were not of +this description, and among others a M. Mussard, nicknamed Wryneck, a +miniature painter, and a distant relation. This M. Mussard, having +learned my situation at the Count de Gauvon's, came to see me, with +another Genevese, named Bacle, who had been my comrade during my +apprenticeship. This Bacle was a very sprightly, amusing young fellow, +full of lively sallies, which at his time of life appeared extremely +agreeable. At once, then, behold me delighted with M. Bacle; charmed to +such a degree that I found it impossible to quit him. He was shortly to +depart for Geneva; what a loss had I to sustain! I felt the whole force +of it, and resolving to make the best use of this precious interval, I +determined not to leave him, or, rather, he never quitted me, for my head +was not yet sufficiently turned to think of quitting the house without +leave, but it was soon perceived that he engrossed my whole time, and he +was accordingly forbid the house. This so incensed me, that forgetting +everything but my friend Bacle, I went neither to the abbe nor the count, +and was no longer to be found at home. I paid no attention to repeated +reprimands, and at length was threatened with dismissal. This threat was +my ruin, as it suggested the idea that it was not absolutely necessary +that Bacle should depart alone. From that moment I could think of no +other pleasure, no other situation or happiness than taking this journey. +To render the felicity still more complete, at the end of it (though at +an immense distance) I pictured to myself Madam de Warrens; for as to +returning to Geneva, it never entered into my imagination. The hills, +fields, brooks and villages, incessantly succeeded each other with new +charms, and this delightful jaunt seemed worthy to absorb my whole +existence. Memory recalled, with inexpressible pleasure, how charming +the country had appeared in coming to Turin; what then must it be, when, +to the pleasure of independence, should be added the company of a good- +humored comrade of my own age and disposition, without any constraint or +obligation, but free to go or stay as we pleased? Would it not be +madness to sacrifice the prospect of so much felicity to projects of +ambition, slow and difficult in their execution, and uncertain in their +event? But even supposing them realized, and in their utmost splendor, +they were not worth one quarter of an hour of the sweet pleasure and +liberty of youth. + +Full of these wise conclusions, I conducted myself so improperly, that +(not indeed without some trouble) I got myself dismissed; for on my +return one night the maitre de hotel gave me warning on the part of the +count. This was exactly what I wanted; for feeling, spite of myself, +the extravagance of my conduct, I wished to excuse it by the addition of +injustice and ingratitude, by throwing the blame on others, and +sheltering myself under the idea of necessity. + +I was told the Count de Favria wished to speak with me the next morning +before my departure; but, being sensible that my head was so far turned +as to render it possible for me to disobey the injunction, the maitre de +hotel declined paying the money designed me, and which certainly I had +very ill earned, till after this visit; for my kind patrons being +unwilling to place me in the situation of a footman, I had not any fixed +wages. + +The Count de Favria, though young and giddy, talked to me on this +occasion in the most sensible and serious manner: I might add, if it +would not be thought vain, with the utmost tenderness. He reminded me, +in the most flattering terms, of the cares of his uncle, and intentions +of his grandfather; after having drawn in lively colors what I was +sacrificing to ruin, he offered to make my peace, without stipulating any +conditions, but that I should no more see the worthless fellow who had +seduced me. + +It was so apparent that he did not say all this of himself, that +notwithstanding my blind stupidity, I powerfully felt the kindness of my +good old master, but the dear journey was too firmly printed on my +imagination for any consideration to balance the charm. Bereft of +understanding, firm to my purpose, I hardened myself against conviction, +and arrogantly answered, that as they had thought fit to give me warning, +I had resolved to take it, and conceived it was now too late to retract, +since, whatever might happen to me, I was fully resolved not to be driven +a second time from the same house. The count, justly irritated, bestowed +on me some names which I deserved, and putting me out of his apartment by +the shoulders, shut the door on me. I departed triumphant, as if I had +gained the greatest victory, and fearful of sustaining a second combat +even had the ingratitude to leave the house without thanking the abbe for +his kindness. + +To form a just conception of my delirium at that moment, the excess to +which my heart is subject to be heated by the most trifling incidents, +and the ardor with which my imagination seizes on the most attractive +objects should be conceived. At these times, plans the most ridiculous, +childish, and void of sense, flatter my favorite idea, and persuade me +that it is reasonable to sacrifice everything to the possession of it. +Would it be believed, that when near nineteen, any one could be so stupid +as to build his hopes of future subsistence on an empty phial? For +example: + +The Abbe de Gauvon had made me a present, some weeks before, of a very +pretty heron fountain, with which I was highly delighted. Playing with +this toy, and speaking of our departure, the sage Bacle and myself +thought it might be of infinite advantage, and enable us to lengthen our +journey. What in the world was so curious as a heron fountain? This +idea was the foundation on which we built our future fortune: we were to +assemble the country people in every village we might pass through, and +delight them with the sight of it, when feasting and good cheer would be +sure to pour on us abundantly; for we were both firmly persuaded, that +provisions could cost nothing to those who grew and gathered them, and if +they did not stuff travellers, it was downright ill-nature. + +We pictured in all parts entertainments and weddings, reckoning that +without any expense but wind from our lungs, and the water of our +fountain, we should be maintained through Piedmont, Savoy, France, and +indeed, all the world over. There was no end to our projected travels, +and we immediately directed our course northward, rather for the pleasure +of crossing the Alps, than from a supposed necessity of being obliged to +stop at any place. + +Such was the plan on which I set out, abandoning without regret, my +preceptors, studies, and hopes, with the almost certain attainment of a +fortune, to lead the life of a real vagabond. Farewell to the capital; +adieu to the court, ambition, love, the fair, and all the great +adventures into which hope had led me during the preceding year! I +departed with my fountain and my friend Bacle, a purse lightly furnished, +but a heart over-flowing with pleasure, and only thinking how to enjoy +the extensive felicity which I supposed my project encircled. + +This extravagant journey was performed almost as agreeably as I had +expected, though not exactly on the same plan; not but our fountain +highly amused the hostess and servants for some minutes at all the ale- +houses where we halted, yet we found it equally necessary to pay on our +departure; but that gave us no concern, as we never thought of depending +on it entirely until our money should be expended. An accident spared us +that trouble, our fountain was broken near Bramant, and in good time, for +we both felt (though without daring to own it to each other) that we +began to be weary of it. This misfortune rendered us gayer than ever; we +laughed heartily at our giddiness in having forgotten that our clothes +and shoes would wear out, or trusting to renew them by the play of our +fountain. We continued our journey as merrily as we had begun it, only +drawing faster towards that termination where our drained purses made it +necessary for us to arrive. + +At Chambery I became pensive; not for the folly I had committed, for +never did any one think less of the past, but on account of the reception +I should meet with from Madam de Warrens; for I looked on her house as my +paternal home. I had written her an account of my reception at the Count +de Gauvon's; she knew my expectancies, and, in congratulating me on my +good fortune, had added some wise lessons on the return I ought to make +for the kindness with which they treated me. She looked on my fortune as +already made, if not destroyed by my own negligence; what then would she +say on my arrival? for it never entered my mind that she might shut the +door against me, but I dreaded the uneasiness I might give her; I dreaded +her reproaches, to me more wounding than want; I resolved to bear all in +silence, and, if possible to appease her. I now saw nothing but Madam de +Warrens in the whole universe, and to live in disgrace with her was +impossible. + +I was most concerned about my companion, whom I did not wish to offend, +and feared I should not easily get rid of. I prefaced this separation by +an affected coldness during the last day's journey. The drole understood +me perfectly; in fact, he was rather giddy than deficient in point of +sense--I expected he would have been hurt at my inconstancy, but I was +quite mistaken; nothing affected my friend Bacle, for hardly had we set +foot in town, on our arrival in Annecy, before he said, "You are now at +home,"--embraced--bade me adieu--turned on his heel, and disappeared; nor +have I ever heard of him since. + +How did my heart beat as I approached the habitation of Madam de Warrens! +my legs trembled under me, my eyes were clouded with a mist, I neither +saw, heard, nor recollected any one, and was obliged frequently to stop +that I might draw breath, and recall my bewildered senses. Was it fear +of not obtaining that succor I stood in need of, which agitated me to +this degree? At the age I then was, does the fear of perishing with +hunger give such alarms? No: I declare with as much truth as pride, that +it was not in the power of interest or indigence, at any period of my +life, to expand or contract my heart. In the course of a painful life, +memorable for its vicissitudes, frequently destitute of an asylum, and +without bread, I have contemplated, with equal indifference, both +opulence and misery. In want I might have begged or stolen, as others +have done, but never could feel distress at being reduced to such +necessities. Few men have grieved more than myself, few have shed so +many tears; yet never did poverty, or the fear of falling into it, make +me heave a sigh or moisten my eyelids. My soul, in despite of fortune, +has only been sensible of real good and evil, which did not depend on +her; and frequently, when in possession of everything that could make +life pleasing, I have been the most miserable of mortals. + +The first glance of Madam de Warrens banished all my fears--my heart +leaped at the sound of her voice; I threw myself at her feet, and in +transports of the most lively joy, pressed my lips upon her hand. +I am ignorant whether she had received any recent information of me. +I discovered but little surprise on her countenance, and no sorrow. +"Poor child!" said she, in an affectionate tone, "art thou here again? +I knew you were too young for this journey; I am very glad, however, that +it did not turn out so bad as I apprehended." She then made me recount +my history; it was not long, and I did it faithfully: suppressing only +some trifling circumstances, but on the whole neither sparing nor +excusing myself. + +The question was, where I could lodge: she consulted her maid on this +point--I hardly dared to breathe during the deliberation; but when I +heard I was to sleep in the house, I could scarce contain my joy; and saw +the little bundle I brought with me carried into my destined apartment +with much the same sensations as St. Preux saw his chaise put up at Madam +de Wolmar's. To complete all, I had the satisfaction to find that this +favor was not to be transitory; for at a moment when they thought me +attentive to something else, I heard Madam de Warrens say, "They may talk +as they please, but since Providence has sent him back, I am determined +not to abandon him." + +Behold me, then, established at her house; not, however, that I date the +happiest days of my life from this period, but this served to prepare me +for them. Though that sensibility of heart, which enables us truly to +enjoy our being, is the work of Nature, and perhaps a mere effect of +organization, yet it requires situations to unfold itself, and without a +certain concurrence of favorable circumstances, a man born with the most +acute sensibility may go out of the world without ever having been +acquainted with his own temperament. This was my case till that time, +and such perhaps it might have remained had I never known Madam de +Warrens, or even having known her, had I not remained with her long +enough to contract that pleasing habit of affectionate sentiments with +which she inspired me. I dare affirm, that those who only love, do not +feel the most charming sensations we are capable of: I am acquainted with +another sentiment, less impetuous, but a thousand times more delightful; +sometimes joined with love, but frequently separated from it. This +feeling is not simply friendship; it is more enchanting, more tender; nor +do I imagine it can exist between persons of the same sex; at least I +have been truly a friend, if ever a man was, and yet never experienced it +in that kind. This distinction is not sufficiently clear, but will +become so hereafter: sentiments are only distinguishable by their +effects. + +Madam de Warrens inhabited an old house, but large enough to have a +handsome spare apartment, which she made her drawing-room. I now +occupied this chamber, which was in the passage I have before mentioned +as the place of our first meeting. Beyond the brook and gardens was a +prospect of the country, which was by no means uninteresting to the young +inhabitant, being the first time, since my residence at Bossey, that I +had seen anything before my windows but walls, roofs, or the dirty +street. How pleasing then was this novelty! it helped to increase the +tenderness of my disposition, for I looked on this charming landscape as +the gift of my dear patroness, who I could almost fancy had placed it +there on purpose for me. Peaceably seated, my eyes pursued her amidst +the flowers and the verdure; her charms seemed to me confounded with +those of the spring; my heart, till now contracted, here found means to +expand itself, and my sighs exhaled freely in this charming retreat. + +The magnificence I had been accustomed to at Turin was not to be found at +Madam de Warrens, but in lieu of it there was neatness, regularity, and a +patriarchal abundance, which is seldom attached to pompous ostentation. +She had very little plate, no china, no game in her kitchen, or foreign +wines in her cellar, but both were well furnished, and at every one's +service; and her coffee, though served in earthenware cups, was +excellent. Whoever came to her house was invited to dine there, and +never did laborer, messenger, or traveller, depart without refreshment. +Her family consisted of a pretty chambermaid from Fribourg, named +Merceret; a valet from her own country called Claude Anet (of whom I +shall speak hereafter), a cook, and two hired chairmen when she visited, +which seldom happened. This was a great deal to be done out of two +thousand livres a year; yet, with good management, it might have been +sufficient in a country where land is extremely good, and money very +scarce. Unfortunately, economy was never her favorite virtue; she +contracted debts--paid them--thus her money passed from hand to hand like +a weaver's shuttle, and quickly disappeared. + +The arrangement of her housekeeping was exactly what I should have +chosen, and I shared it with satisfaction. I was least pleased with the +necessity of remaining too long at table. Madam de Warrens was so much +incommoded with the first smell of soup or meat, as almost to occasion +fainting; from this she slowly recovered, talking meantime, and never +attempting to eat for the first half hour. I could have dined thrice in +the time, and had ever finished my meal long before she began; I then ate +again for company; and though by this means I usually dined twice, felt +no inconvenience from it. In short, I was perfectly at my ease, and the +happier as my situation required no care. Not being at this time +instructed in the state of her finances, I supposed her means were +adequate to her expense; and though I afterwards found the same +abundance, yet when instructed in her real situation, finding her pension +ever anticipated, prevented me from enjoying the same tranquility. +Foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment; in vain I saw the +approach of misfortunes, I was never the more likely to avoid them. + +From the first moment of our meeting, the softest familiarity was +established between us: and in the same degree it continued during the +rest of her life. Child was my name, Mamma was hers, and child and mamma +we have ever continued, even after a number of years had almost effaced +the apparent difference of age between us. I think those names convey an +exact idea of our behavior, the simplicity of our manners, and above all, +the similarity of our dispositions. To me she was the tenderest of +mothers, ever preferring my welfare to her own pleasure; and if my own +satisfaction found some interest in my attachment to her, it was not to +change its nature, but only to render it more exquisite, and infatuate me +with the charm of having a mother young and handsome, whom I was +delighted to caress: I say literally, to caress, for never did it enter +into her imagination to deny me the tenderest maternal kisses and +endearments, or into my heart to abuse them. It will be said, at length +our connection was of a different kind: I confess it; but have patience, +that will come in its turn. + +The sudden sight of her, on our first interview, was the only truly +passionate moment she ever inspired me with; and even that was +principally the work of surprise. With her I had neither transports nor +desires, but remained in a ravishing calm, sensible of a happiness I +could not define, and thus could I have passed my whole life, or even +eternity, without feeling an instant of uneasiness. + +She was the only person with whom I never experienced that want of +conversation, which to me is so painful to endure. Our tete-a-tetes were +rather an inexhaustible chat than conversation, which could only conclude +from interruption. So far from finding discourse difficult, I rather +thought it a hardship to be silent; unless, when contemplating her +projects, she sunk into a reverie; when I silently let her meditate, and +gazing on her, was the happiest of men. I had another singular fancy, +which was that without pretending to the favor of a tete-a-tete, I was +perpetually seeking occasion to form them, enjoying such opportunities +with rapture; and when importunate visitors broke in upon us, no matter +whether it was man or woman, I went out murmuring, not being able to +remain a secondary object in her company; then, counting the minutes in +her antechamber, I used to curse these eternal visitors, thinking it +inconceivable how they could find so much to say, because I had still +more. + +If ever I felt the full force of my attachment, it was when I did not see +her. When in her presence, I was only content; when absent, my +uneasiness reached almost to melancholy, and a wish to live with her gave +me emotions of tenderness even to tears. Never shall I forget one great +holiday, while she was at vespers, when I took a walk out of the city, +my heart full of her image, and the ardent wish to pass my life with her. +I could easily enough see that at present this was impossible; that the +happiness I enjoyed would be of short duration, and this idea gave to my +contemplations a tincture of melancholy, which, however, was not gloomy, +but tempered with a flattering hope. The ringing of bells, which ever +particularly affects me, the singing of birds, the fineness of the day, +the beauty of the landscape, the scattered country houses, among which in +idea I placed our future dwelling, altogether struck me with an +impression so lively, tender, melancholy, and powerful, that I saw myself +in ecstasy transported into that happy time and abode, where my heart, +possessing all the felicity it could desire, might taste it with raptures +inexpressible. + +I never recollect to have enjoyed the future with such force of illusions +as at that time; and what has particularly struck me in the recollection +of this reverie, is that when realized, I found my situation exactly as I +had imagined it. If ever waking dream had an appearance of a prophetic +vision, it was assuredly this; I was only deceived in its imaginary +duration, for days, years, and life itself, passed ideally in perfect +tranquility, while the reality lasted but a moment. Alas! my most +durable happiness was but as a dream, which I had no sooner had a glimpse +of, than I instantly awoke. + +I know not when I should have done, if I was to enter into a detail of +all the follies that affection for my dear Madam de Warrens made me +commit. When absent from her, how often have I kissed the bed on a +supposition that she had slept there; the curtains and all the furniture +of my chamber, on recollecting they were hers, and that her charming +hands had touched them; nay, the floor itself, when I considered she had +walked there. Sometimes even in her presence, extravagancies escaped me, +which only the most violent passions seemed capable of inspiring; in a +word, there was but one essential difference to distinguish me from an +absolute lover, and that particular renders my situation almost +inconceivable. + +I had returned from Italy, not absolutely as I went there, but as no one +of my age, perhaps, ever did before, being equally unacquainted with +women. My ardent constitution had found resources in those means by +which youth of my disposition sometimes preserve their purity at the +expense of health, vigor, and frequently of life itself. My local +situation should likewise be considered--living with a pretty woman, +cherishing her image in the bottom of my heart, seeing her during the +whole day, at night surrounded with objects that recalled her incessantly +to my remembrance, and sleeping in the bed where I knew she had slept. +What a situation! Who can read this without supposing me on the brink of +the grave? But quite the contrary; that which might have ruined me, +acted as a preservative, at least for a time. Intoxicated with the charm +of living with her, with the ardent desire of passing my life there, +absent or present I saw in her a tender mother, an amiable sister, a +respected friend, but nothing more; meantime, her image filled my heart, +and left room far no other object. The extreme tenderness with which she +inspired me excluded every other woman from my consideration, and +preserved me from the whole sex: in a word, I was virtuous, because I +loved her. Let these particulars, which I recount but indifferently, be +considered, and then let any one judge what kind of attachment I had for +her: for my part, all I can say, is, that if it hitherto appears +extraordinary, it will appear much more so in the sequel. + +My time passed in the most agreeable manner, though occupied in a way +which was by no means calculated to please me; such as having projects to +digest, bills to write fair, receipts to transcribe, herbs to pick, drugs +to pound, or distillations to attend; and in the midst of all this, came +crowds of travellers, beggars, and visitors of all denominations. Some +times it was necessary to converse at the same time with a soldier, an +apothecary, a prebendary, a fine lady, and a lay brother. I grumbled, +swore, and wished all this troublesome medley at the devil, while she +seemed to enjoy it, laughing at my chagrin till the tears ran down her +cheeks. What excited her mirth still more, was to see that my anger was +increased by not being able myself to refrain from laughter. These +little intervals, in which I enjoyed the pleasure of grumbling, were +charming; and if, during the dispute, another importunate visitor +arrived, she would add to her amusement by maliciously prolonging the +visit, meantime casting glances at me for which I could almost have beat +her; nor could she without difficulty refrain from laughter on seeing my +constrained politeness, though every moment glancing at her the look of +a fury, while, even in spite of myself, I thought the scene truly +diverting. + +All this, without being pleasing in itself, contributed to amuse, because +it made up a part of a life which I thought delightful. Nothing that was +performed around me, nothing that I was obliged to do, suited my taste, +but everything suited my heart; and I believe, at length, I should have +liked the study of medicine, had not my natural distaste to it +perpetually engaged us in whimsical scenes, that prevented my thinking of +it in a serious light. It was, perhaps, the first time that this art +produced mirth. I pretended to distinguish a physical book by its smell, +and what was more diverting, was seldom mistaken. Madam de Warrens made +me taste the most nauseous drugs; in vain I ran, or endeavored to defend +myself; spite of resistance or wry faces, spite of my struggles, or even +of my teeth, when I saw her charming fingers approach my lips, I was +obliged to give up the contest. + +When shut up in an apartment with all her medical apparatus, any one who +had heard us running and shouting amidst peals of laughter would rather +have imagined we had been acting a farce than preparing opiates or +elixirs. + +My time, however, was not entirely passed in these fooleries; in the +apartment which I occupied I found a few books: there was the Spectator, +Puffendorf, St. Everemond, and the Henriade. Though I had not my old +passion for books, yet I amused myself with reading a part of them. The +Spectator was particularly pleasing and serviceable to me. The Abbe de +Gauvon had taught me to read less eagerly, and with a greater degree of +attention, which rendered my studies more serviceable. I accustomed +myself to reflect on elocution and the elegance of composition; +exercising myself in discerning pure French from my provincial idiom. +For example, I corrected an orthographical fault (which I had in common +with all Genevese) by these two lines of the Henriade: + + Soit qu' un ancient respect pour le sang de leurs maitres, + Parlat encore pour lui dans le coeur de ces traitres + +I was struck with the word 'parlat', and found a 't' was necessary to +form the third person of the subjunctive, whereas I had always written +and pronounced it parla, as in the present of the indicative. + +Sometimes my studies were the subject of conversation with Madam de +Warrens; sometimes I read to her, in which I found great satisfaction; +and as I endeavored to read well, it was extremely serviceable to me. +I have already observed that her mind was cultivated; her understanding +was at this time in its meridian. Several people of learning having been +assiduous to ingratiate themselves, had taught her to distinguish works +of merit; but her taste (if I may so express myself) was rather +Protestant; ever speaking warmly of Bayle, and highly esteeming St. +Evremond, though long since almost forgotten in France: but this did not +prevent her having a taste for literature, or expressing her thoughts +with elegance. She had been brought up with polite company, and coming +young to Savoy, by associating with people of the best fashion, had lost +the affected manners of her own country, where the ladies mistake wit for +sense, and only speak in epigram. + +Though she had seen the court but superficially, that glance was +sufficient to give her a competent idea of it; and notwithstanding secret +jealousies and the murmurs excited by her conduct and running in debt, +she ever preserved friends there, and never lost her pension. She knew +the world, and was useful. This was her favorite theme in our +conversations, and was directly opposite to my chimerical ideas, though +the kind of instruction I particularly had occasion for. We read Bruyere +together; he pleased her more than Rochefoucault, who is a dull, +melancholy author, particularly to youth, who are not fond of +contemplating man as he really is. In moralizing she sometimes +bewildered herself by the length of her discourse; but by kissing her +lips or hand from time to time I was easily consoled, and never found +them wearisome. + +This life was too delightful to be lasting; I felt this, and the +uneasiness that thought gave me was the only thing that disturbed my +enjoyment. Even in playfulness she studied my disposition, observed and +interrogated me, forming projects for my future fortune, which I could +readily have dispensed with. Happily it was not sufficient to know my +disposition, inclinations and talents; it was likewise necessary to find +a situation in which they would be useful, and this was not the work of a +day. Even the prejudices this good woman had conceived in favor of my +merit put off the time of calling it into action, by rendering her more +difficult in the choice of means; thus (thanks to the good opinion she +entertained of me), everything answered to my wish; but a change soon +happened which put a period to my tranquility. + +A relation of Madam de Warrens, named M. d'Aubonne, came to see her; a +man of great understanding and intrigue, being, like her, fond of +projects, though careful not to ruin himself by them. He had offered +Cardinal Fleury a very compact plan for a lottery, which, however, had +not been approved of, and he was now going to propose it to the court of +Turin, where it was accepted and put into execution. He remained some +time at Annecy, where he fell in love with the Intendant's lady, who was +very amiable, much to my taste and the only person I saw with pleasure at +the house of Madam de Warrens. M. d'Aubonne saw me, I was strongly +recommended by his relation; he promised, therefore, to question and see +what I was fit for, and, if he found me capable to seek me a situation. +Madam de Warrens sent me to him two or three mornings, under pretense of +messages, without acquainting me with her real intention. He spoke to me +gayly, on various subjects, without any appearance of observation; his +familiarity presently set me talking, which by his cheerful and jesting +manner he encouraged without restraint--I was absolutely charmed with +him. The result of his observations was, that notwithstanding the +animation of my countenance, and promising exterior, if not absolutely +silly, I was a lad of very little sense, and without ideas of learning; +in fine, very ignorant in all respects, and if I could arrive at being +curate of some village, it was the utmost honor I ought ever to aspire +to. Such was the account he gave of me to Madam de Warrens. This was +not the first time such an opinion had been formed of me, neither was it +the last; the judgment of M. Masseron having been repeatedly confirmed. + +The cause of these opinions is too much connected with my character not +to need a particular explanation; for it will not be supposed that I can +in conscience subscribe to them; and with all possible impartiality, +whatever M. Masseron, M. d'Aubonne and many others may have said, I +cannot help thinking them mistaken. + +Two things very opposite, unite in me, and in a manner which I cannot +myself conceive. My disposition is extremely ardent, my passions lively +and impetuous, yet my ideas are produced slowly, with great embarrassment +and after much afterthought. It might be said my heart and understanding +do not belong to the same individual. A sentiment takes possession of my +soul with the rapidity of lightning, but instead of illuminating, it +dazzles and confounds me; I feel all, but see nothing; I am warm, but +stupid; to think I must be cool. What is astonishing, my conception is +clear and penetrating, if not hurried: I can make excellent impromptus at +leisure, but on the instant, could never say or do anything worth notice. +I could hold a tolerable conversation by the post, as they say the +Spaniards play at chess, and when I read that anecdote of a duke of +Savoy, who turned himself round, while on a journey, to cry out 'a votre +gorge, marchand de Paris!' I said, "Here is a trait of my character!" + +This slowness of thought, joined to vivacity of feeling, I am not only +sensible of in conversation, but even alone. When I write, my ideas are +arranged with the utmost difficulty. They glance on my imagination and +ferment till they discompose, heat, and bring on a palpitation; during +this state of agitation, I see nothing properly, cannot write a single +word, and must wait till it is over. Insensibly the agitation subsides, +the chaos acquires form, and each circumstance takes its proper place. +Have you never seen an opera in Italy? where during the change of scene +everything is in confusion, the decorations are intermingled, and any one +would suppose that all would be overthrown; yet by little and little, +everything is arranged, nothing appears wanting, and we feel surprised to +see the tumult succeeded by the most delightful spectacle. This is a +resemblance of what passes in my brain when I attempt to write; had I +always waited till that confusion was past, and then pointed, in their +natural beauties, the objects that had presented themselves, few authors +would have surpassed me. + +Thence arises the extreme difficulty I find in writing; my manuscripts, +blotted, scratched, and scarcely legible, attest the trouble they cost +me; nor is there one of them but I have been obliged to transcribe four +or five times before it went to press. Never could I do anything when +placed at a table, pen in hand; it must be walking among the rocks, or in +the woods; it is at night in my bed, during my wakeful hours, that I +compose; it may be judged how slowly, particularly for a man who has not +the advantage of verbal memory, and never in his life could retain by +heart six verses. Some of my periods I have turned and returned in my +head five or six nights before they were fit to be put to paper: thus it +is that I succeed better in works that require laborious attention, than +those that appear more trivial, such as letters, in which I could never +succeed, and being obliged to write one is to me a serious punishment; +nor can I express my thoughts on the most trivial subjects without it +costing me hours of fatigue. If I write immediately what strikes me, my +letter is a long, confused, unconnected string of expressions, which, +when read, can hardly be understood. + +It is not only painful to me to give language to my ideas but even to +receive them. I have studied mankind, and think myself a tolerable +observer, yet I know nothing from what I see, but all from what I +remember, nor have I understanding except in my recollections. From all +that is said, from all that passes in my presence, I feel nothing, +conceive nothing, the exterior sign being all that strikes me; afterwards +it returns to my remembrance; I recollect the place, the time, the +manner, the look, and gesture, not a circumstance escapes me; it is then, +from what has been done or said, that I imagine what has been thought, +and I have rarely found myself mistaken. + +So little master of my understanding when alone, let any one judge what I +must be in conversation, where to speak with any degree of ease you must +think of a thousand things at the same time: the bare idea that I should +forget something material would be sufficient to intimidate me. Nor can +I comprehend how people can have the confidence to converse in large +companies, where each word must pass in review before so many, and where +it would be requisite to know their several characters and histories to +avoid saying what might give offence. In this particular, those who +frequent the world would have a great advantage, as they know better +where to be silent, and can speak with greater confidence; yet even they +sometimes let fall absurdities; in what predicament then must he be who +drops as it were from the clouds? it is almost impossible he should speak +ten minutes with impunity. + +In a tete-a-tete there is a still worse inconvenience; that is; the +necessity of talking perpetually, at least, the necessity of answering +when spoken to, and keeping up the conversation when the other is silent. +This insupportable constraint is alone sufficient to disgust me with +variety, for I cannot form an idea of a greater torment than being +obliged to speak continually without time for recollection. I know not +whether it proceeds from my mortal hatred of all constraint; but if I am +obliged to speak, I infallibly talk nonsense. What is still worse, +instead of learning how to be silent when I have absolutely nothing to +say, it is generally at such times that I have a violent inclination: and +endeavoring to pay my debt of conversation as speedily as possible, I +hastily gabble a number of words without ideas, happy when they only +chance to mean nothing; thus endeavoring to conquer or hide my +incapacity, I rarely fail to show it. + +I think I have said enough to show that, though not a fool, I have +frequently passed for one, even among people capable of judging; this was +the more vexatious, as my physiognomy and eyes promised otherwise, and +expectation being frustrated, my stupidity appeared the more shocking. +This detail, which a particular occasion gave birth to, will not be +useless in the sequel, being a key to many of my actions which might +otherwise appear unaccountable; and have been attributed to a savage +humor I do not possess. I love society as much as any man, was I not +certain to exhibit myself in it, not only disadvantageously, but totally +different from what I really am. The plan I have adopted of writing and +retirement, is what exactly suits me. Had I been present, my worth would +never have been known, no one would even have suspected it; thus it was +with Madam Dupin, a woman of sense, in whose house I lived for several +years; indeed, she has often since owned it to me: though on the whole +this rule may be subject to some exceptions. I shall now return to my +history. + +The estimate of my talents thus fixed, the situation I was capable of +promised, the question only remained how to render her capable of +fulfilling my destined vocation. The principle difficulty was, I did not +know Latin enough for a priest. Madam de Warrens determined to have me +taught for some time at the seminary, and accordingly spoke of it to the +Superior, who was a Lazarist, called M. Gras, a good-natured little +fellow, half blind, meagre, gray-haired, insensible, and the least +pedantic of any Lazarist I ever knew; which, in fact, is saying no great +matter. + +He frequently visited Madam de Warrens, who entertained, caressed, and +made much of him, letting him sometimes lace her stays, an office he was +willing enough to perform. While thus employed, she would run about the +room, this way or that, as occasion happened to call her. Drawn by the +lace, Monsieur the Superior followed, grumbling, repeating at every +moment, "Pray, madam, do stand still;" the whole forming a scene truly +diverting. + +M. Gras willingly assented to the project of Madam de Warrens, and, for a +very moderate pension, charged himself with the care of instructing me. +The consent of the bishop was all that remained necessary, who not only +granted it, but offered to pay the pension, permitting me to retain the +secular habit till they could judge by a trial what success they might +have in my improvement. + +What a change! but I was obliged to submit; though I went to the seminary +with about the same spirits as if they had been taking me to execution. +What a melancholy abode! especially for one who left the house of a +pretty woman. I carried one book with me, that I had borrowed of Madam +de Warrens, and found it a capital resource! it will not be easily +conjectured what kind of book this was--it was a music book. Among the +talents she had cultivated, music was not forgotten; she had a tolerable +good voice, sang agreeably, and played on the harpsichord. She had taken +the pains to give me some lessons in singing, though before I was very +uninformed in that respect, hardly knowing the music of our psalms. +Eight or ten interrupted lessons, far from putting me in a condition to +improve myself, did not teach me half the notes; notwithstanding, I had +such a passion for the art, that I determined to exercise myself alone. +The book I took was not of the most easy kind; it was the cantatas of +Clerambault. It may be conceived with what attention and perseverance I +studied, when I inform my reader, that without knowing anything of +transposition or quantity, I contrived to sing with tolerable +correctness, the first recitative and air in the cantata of Alpheus and +Arethusa; it is true this air is, so justly set, that it is only +necessary to recite the verses in their just measure to catch the music. + +There was at the seminary a curst Lazarist, who by undertaking to teach +me Latin made me detest it. His hair was coarse, black and greasy, his +face like those formed in gingerbread, he had the voice of a buffalo, the +countenance of an owl, and the bristles of a boar in lieu of a beard; his +smile was sardonic, and his limbs played like those of a puppet moved by +wires. I have forgotten his odious name, but the remembrance of his +frightful precise countenance remains with me, though hardly can I +recollect it without trembling; especially when I call to mind our +meeting in the gallery, when he graciously advanced his filthy square cap +as a sign for me to enter his apartment, which appeared more dismal in my +apprehension than a dungeon. Let any one judge the contrast between my +present master and the elegant Abbe de Gauvon. + +Had I remained two months at the mercy of this monster, I am certain my +head could not have sustained it; but the good M. Gras, perceiving I was +melancholy, grew thin, and did not eat my victuals, guessed the cause of +my uneasiness (which indeed was not very difficult) and taking me from +the claws of this beast, by another yet more striking contrast, placed me +with the gentlest of men, a young Faucigneran abbe, named M. Gatier, +who studied at the seminary, and out of complaisance for M. Gras, and +humanity to myself, spared some time from the prosecution of his own +studies in order to direct mine. Never did I see a more pleasing +countenance than that of M. Gatier. He was fair complexioned, his beard +rather inclined to red; his behavior like that of the generality of his +countrymen (who under a coarseness of countenance conceal much +understanding), marked in him a truly sensible and affectionate soul. +In his large blue eyes there was a mixture of softness, tenderness, and +melancholy, which made it impossible to see him without feeling one's +self interested. From the looks and manner of this young abbe he might +have been supposed to have foreseen his destiny, and that he was born to +be unhappy. + +His disposition did not belie his physiognomy: full of patience and +complaisance, he rather appeared to study with than to instruct me. +So much was not necessary to make me love him, his predecessor having +rendered that very easy; yet, notwithstanding all the time he bestowed on +me, notwithstanding our mutual good inclinations, and that his plan of +teaching was excellent, with much labor, I made little progress. It is +very singular, that with a clear conception I could never learn much from +masters except my father and M. Lambercier; the little I know besides I +have learned alone, as will be seen hereafter. My spirit, impatient of +every species of constraint, cannot submit to the law of the moment; even +the fear of not learning prevents my being attentive, and a dread of +wearying those who teach, makes me feign to understand them; thus they +proceed faster than I can comprehend, and the conclusion is I learn +nothing. My understanding must take its own time and cannot submit to +that of another. + +The time of ordination being arrived, M. Gatier returned to his province +as deacon, leaving me with gratitude, attachment, and sorrow for his +loss. The vows I made for him were no more answered than those I offered +for myself. Some years after, I learned, that being vicar of a parish, +a young girl was with child by him, being the only one (though he +possessed a very tender heart) with whom he was ever in love. This was a +dreadful scandal in a diocese severely governed, where the priests (being +under good regulation) ought never to have children--except by married +women. Having infringed this politic law, he was put in prison, defamed, +and driven from his benefice. I know not whether it was ever after in +his power to reestablish his affairs; but the remembrance of his +misfortunes, which were deeply engraven on my heart, struck me when I +wrote Emilius, and uniting M. Gatier with M. Gaime, I formed from these +two worthy priests the character of the Savoyard Vicar, and flatter +myself the imitation has not dishonored the originals. + +While I was at the seminary, M. d'Aubonne was obliged to quit Annecy, +Moultou being displeased that he made love to his wife, which was acting +like a dog in the manger, for though Madam Moultou was extremely amiable, +he lived very ill with her, treating her with such brutality that a +separation was talked of. Moultou, by repeated oppressions, at length +procured a dismissal from his employment: he was a disagreeable man; a +mole could not be blacker, nor an owl more knavish. It is said the +provincials revenge themselves on their enemies by songs; M. d'Aubonne +revenged himself on his by a comedy, which he sent to Madam de Warrens, +who showed it to me. I was pleased with it, and immediately conceived +the idea of writing one, to try whether I was so silly as the author had +pronounced me. This project was not executed till I went to Chambery, +where I wrote 'The Lover of Himself'. Thus when I said in the preface to +that piece, "it was written at eighteen," I cut off a few years. + +Nearly about this time an event happened, not very important in itself, +but whose consequence affected me, and made a noise in the world when I +had forgotten it. Once a week I was permitted to go out; it is not +necessary to say what use I made of this liberty. Being one Sunday at +Madam de Warrens, a building belonging to the Cordeliers, which joined +her house, took fire; this building which contained their oven, being +full of dry fagots, blazed violently and greatly endangered the house; +for the wind happening to drive the flames that way, it was covered with +them. The furniture, therefore, was hastily got out and carried into the +garden which fronted the windows, on the other side the before-mentioned +brook. I was so alarmed that I threw indiscriminately everything that +came to hand out of the window, even to a large stone mortar, which at +another time I should have found it difficult to remove, and should have +thrown a handsome looking-glass after it had not some one prevented me. +The good bishop, who that day was visiting Madam de Warrens, did not +remain idle; he took her into the garden, where they went to prayers with +the rest that were assembled there, and where sometime afterwards, +I found them on their knees, and presently joined them. While the good +man was at his devotions, the wind changed, so suddenly and critically, +that the flames which had covered the house and began to enter the +windows, were carried to the other side of the court, and the house +received no damage. Two years after, Monsieur de Berner being dead, the +Antoines, his former brethren, began to collect anecdotes which might +serve as arguments of his beatification; at the desire of Father Baudet, +I joined to these an attestation of what I have just related, in doing +which, though I attested no more than the truth, I certainly acted ill, +as it tended to make an indifferent occurrence pass for a miracle. I had +seen the bishop in prayer, and had likewise seen the wind change during +the prayer, and even much to the purpose, all this I could certify truly; +but that one of these facts was the cause of the other, I ought not to +have attested, because it is what I could not possibly be assured of. +Thus much I may say, that as far as I can recollect what my ideas were at +that time, I was sincerely, and in good earnest a Catholic. Love of the +marvellous is natural to the human heart; my veneration for the virtuous +prelate, and secret pride in having, perhaps, contributed to the event in +question, all helped to seduce me; and certainly, if this miracle was the +effect of ardent prayer, I had a right to claim a share of the merits. + +More than thirty years after, when I published the 'Lettres de la +Montagne', M. Feron (I know not by what means) discovered this +attestation, and made use of it in his paper. I must confess the +discovery was very critically timed, and appeared very diverting, +even to me. + +I was destined to be the outcast of every condition; for notwithstanding +M. Gatier gave the most favorable account he possibly could of my +studies, they plainly saw the improvement I received bore no proportion +to the pains taken to instruct me, which was no encouragement to continue +them: the bishop and superior, therefore, were disheartened, and I was +sent back to Madam de Warrens, as a subject not even fit to make a priest +of; but as they allowed, at the same time, that I was a tolerably good +lad, and far from being vicious, this account counterbalanced the former, +and determined her not to abandon me. + +I carried back in triumph the dear music book, which had been so useful +to me, the air of Alpheus and Arethusa being almost all I had learned at +the seminary. My predilection for this art started the idea of making a +musician of, me. A convenient opportunity offered; once a week, at +least, she had a concert at her house, and the music-master from the +cathedral, who directed this little band, came frequently to see her. +This was a Parisian, named M. le Maitre, a good composer, very lively, +gay, young, well made, of little understanding, but, upon the whole, a +good sort of man. Madam de Warrens made us acquainted; I attached myself +to him, and he seemed not displeased with me. A pension was talked of, +and agreed on; in short, I went home with him, and passed the winter the +more agreeably at his chambers, as they were not above twenty paces +distant from Madam de Warrens', where we frequently supped together. +It may easily be supposed that this situation, ever gay, and singing with +the musicians and children of the choir, was more pleasing to me than the +seminary and fathers of St. Lazarus. This life, though free, was +regular; here I learned to prize independence, but never to abuse it. +For six whole months I never once went out except to see Madam de +Warrens, or to church, nor had I any inclination to it. This interval is +one of those in which I enjoyed the greatest satisfaction, and which I +have ever recollected with pleasure. Among the various situations I have +been placed in, some were marked with such an idea of virtuous +satisfaction, that the bare remembrance affects me as if they were yet +present. I vividly recollect the time, the place, the persons, and even +the temperature of the air, while the lively idea of a certain local +impression peculiar to those times, transports me back again to the very +spot; for example, all that was repeated at our meetings, all that was +sung in the choir, everything that passed there; the beautiful and noble +habits of the canons, the chasubles of the priests, the mitres of the +singers, the persons of the musicians; an old lame carpenter who played +the counter-bass, a little fair abbe who performed on the violin, the +ragged cassock which M. le Maitre, after taking off his sword, used to +put over his secular habit, and the fine surplice with which he covered +the rags of the former, when he went to the choir; the pride with which I +held my little flute to my lips, and seated myself in the orchestra, to +assist in a recitative which M. le Maitre had composed on purpose for me; +the good dinner that afterwards awaited us, and the good appetites we +carried to it. This concourse of objects, strongly retraced in my +memory, has charmed me a hundred time as much, or perhaps more, than ever +the reality had done. I have always preserved an affection for a certain +air of the 'Conditor alme Syderum', because one Sunday in Advent I heard +that hymn sung on the steps of the cathedral, (according to the custom of +that place) as I lay in bed before daybreak. Mademoiselle Merceret, +Madam de Warrens' chambermaid, knew something of music; I shall never +forget a little piece that M. le Maitre made me sing with her, and which +her mistress listened to with great satisfaction. In a word, every +particular, even down to the servant Perrine, whom the boys of the choir +took such delight in teasing. The remembrance of these times of +happiness and innocence frequently returning to my mind, both ravish and +affect me. + +I lived at Annecy during a year without the least reproach, giving +universal satisfaction. Since my departure from Turin I had been guilty +of no folly, committed none while under the eye of Madam de Warrens. +She was my conductor, and ever led me right; my attachment for her became +my only passion, and what proves it was not a giddy one, my heart and +understanding were in unison. It is true that a single sentiment, +absorbing all my faculties, put me out of a capacity of learning even +music: but this was not my fault, since to the strongest inclination, +I added the utmost assiduity. I was attentive and thoughtful; what could +I do? Nothing was wanting towards my progress that depended on me; +meantime, it only required a subject that might inspire me to occasion +the commission of new follies: that subject presented itself, chance +arranged it, and (as will be seen hereafter) my inconsiderate head gave +in to it. + +One evening, in the month of February, when it was very cold, being all +sat round the fire, we heard some one knock at the street door. Perrine +took a light, went down and opened it: a young man entering, came +upstairs, presented himself with an easy air, and making M. Maitre a +short, but well-turned compliment, announced himself as a French +musician, constrained by the state of his finances to take this liberty. +The hart of the good Le Maitre leaped at the name of a French musician, +for he passionately loved both his country and profession; he therefore +offered the young traveller his service--and use of his apartment, which +he appeared to stand much in need of, and which he accepted without much +ceremony. I observed him while he was chatting and warming himself +before supper; he was short and thick, having some fault in his shape, +though without any particular deformity; he had (if I may so express +myself) an appearance of being hunchbacked, with flat shoulders, and I +think he limped. He wore a black coat, rather worn than old, which hung +in tatters, a very fine but dirty shirt, frayed ruffles; a pair of +splatterdashes so large that he could have put both legs into either of +them, and, to secure himself from the snow, a little hat, only fit to be +carried under his arm. With this whimsical equipage, he had, however, +something elegant in his manners and conversation; his countenance was +expressive and agreeable, and he spoke with facility if not with modesty; +in short, everything about him bore the mark of a young debauchee, who +did not crave assistance like a beggar, but as a thoughtless madcap. +He told us his name was Venture de Villeneuve, that he came from Paris, +had lost his way, and seeming to forget that he had announced himself for +a musician, added that he was going to Grenoble to see a relation that +was a member of Parliament. + +During supper we talked of music, on which subject he spoke well: he knew +all the great virtuosi, all the celebrated works, all the actors, +actresses, pretty women, and powerful lords; in short nothing was +mentioned but what he seemed thoroughly acquainted with. Though no +sooner was any topic started, than by some drollery, which set every one +a-laughing, he made them forget what had been said. This was on a +Saturday; the next day there was to be music at the cathedral: M. le +Maitre asked if he would sing there--"Very willingly."--"What part would +he chose?"--"The counter-tenor:" and immediately began speaking of other +things. Before he went to church they offered him his part to peruse, +but he did not even look at it. This Gasconade surprised Le Maitre-- +"You'll see," said he, whispering to me, "that he does not know a single +note."--I replied: "I am very much afraid of him." I followed them into +the church; but was extremely uneasy, and when they began, my heart beat +violently, so much was I interested in his behalf. + +I was presently out of pain: he sung his two recitatives with all +imaginable taste and judgment; and what was yet more, with a very +agreeable voice. I never enjoyed a more pleasing surprise. After mass, +M. Venture received the highest compliments from the canons and +musicians, which he answered jokingly, though with great grace. M. le +Maitre embraced him heartily; I did the same; he saw I was rejoiced at +his success, and appeared pleased at my satisfaction. + +It will easily be surmised, that after having been delighted with M. +Bacle, who had little to attract my admiration, I should be infatuated +with M. Venture, who had education, wit, talents, and a knowledge of the +world, and might be called an agreeable rake. This was exactly what +happened, and would, I believe, have happened to any other young man in +my place; especially supposing him possessed of better judgment to +distinguish merit, and more propensity to be engaged by it; for Venture +doubtless possessed a considerable share, and one in particular, very +rare at his age, namely, that of never being in haste to display his +talents. It is true, he boasted of many things he did not understand, +but of those he knew (which were very numerous) he said nothing, +patiently waiting some occasion to display them, which he then did with +ease, though without forwardness, and thus gave them more effect. +As there was ever some intermission between the proofs of his various +abilities, it was impossible to conjecture whether he had ever discovered +all his talents. Playful, giddy, inexhaustible, seducing in +conversation, ever smiling, but never laughing, and repeating the rudest +things in the most elegant manner--even the most modest women were +astonished at what they endured from him: it was in vain for them to +determine to be angry; they could not assume the appearance of it. +It was extraordinary that with so many agreeable talents, in a country +where they are so well understood, and so much admired, he so long +remained only a musician. + +My attachment to M. Venture, more reasonable in its cause, was also less +extravagant in its effects, though more lively and durable than that I +had conceived for M. Bacle. I loved to see him, to hear him, all his +actions appeared charming, everything he said was an oracle to me, but +the enchantment did not extend far enough to disable me from quitting +him. I spoke of him with transport to Madam de Warrens, Le Maitre +likewise spoke in his praise, and she consented we should bring him to +her house. This interview did not succeed; he thought her affected, she +found him a libertine, and, alarmed that I had formed such an ill +acquaintance, not only forbade me bringing him there again, but likewise +painted so strongly the danger I ran with this young man, that I became a +little more circumspect in giving in to the attachment; and very happily, +both for my manners and wits, we were soon separated. + +M. le Maitre, like most of his profession, loved good wine; at table he +was moderate, but when busy in his closet he must drink. His maid was so +well acquainted with this humor that no sooner had he prepared his paper +to compose, and taken his violoncello, than the bottle and glass arrived, +and was replenished from time to time: thus, without being ever +absolutely intoxicated, he was usually in a state of elevation. This was +really unfortunate, for he had a good heart, and was so playful that +Madam de Warrens used to call him the kitten. Unhappily, he loved his +profession, labored much and drank proportionately, which injured his +health, and at length soured his temper. Sometimes he was gloomy and +easily offended, though incapable of rudeness, or giving offence to any +one, for never did he utter a harsh word, even to the boys of the choir: +on the other hand, he would not suffer another to offend him, which was +but just: the misfortune was, having little understanding, he did not +properly discriminate, and was often angry without cause. + +The Chapter of Geneva, where so many princes and bishops formerly thought +it an honor to be seated, though in exile it lost its ancient splendor, +retained (without any diminution) its pride. To be admitted, you must +either be a gentleman or Doctor of Sorbonne. If there is a pardonable +pride, after that derived from personal merit, it is doubtless that +arising from birth, though, in general, priests having laymen in their +service treat them with sufficient haughtiness, and thus the canons +behaved to poor Le Maitre. The chanter, in particular, who was called +the Abbe de Vidonne, in other respects a well-behaved man, but too full +of his nobility, did not always show him the attention his talents +merited. M. le Maitre could not bear these indignities patiently; +and this year, during passion week, they had a more serious dispute than +ordinary. At an institution dinner that the bishop gave the canons, and +to which M. Maitre was always invited, the abbe failed in some formality, +adding, at the same time, some harsh words, which the other could not +digest; he instantly formed the resolution to quit them the following +night; nor could any consideration make him give up his design, though +Madam de Warrens (whom he went to take leave of) spared no pains to +appease him. He could not relinquish the pleasure of leaving his tyrants +embarrassed for the Easter feast, at which time he knew they stood in +greatest need of him. He was most concerned about his music, which he +wished to take with him; but this could not easily be accomplished, as it +filled a large case, and was very heavy, and could not be carried under +the arm. + +Madam de Warrens did what I should have done in her situation; and +indeed, what I should yet do: after many useless efforts to retain him, +seeing he was resolved to depart, whatever might be the event, she formed +the resolution to give him every possible assistance. I must confess Le +Maitre deserved it of her, for he was (if I may use the expression) +dedicated to her service, in whatever appertained to either his art or +knowledge, and the readiness with which he obliged gave a double value to +his complaisance: thus she only paid back, on an essential occasion, the +many favors he had been long conferring on her; though I should observe, +she possessed a soul that, to fulfill such duties, had no occasion to be +reminded of previous obligations. Accordingly she ordered me to follow +Le Maitre to Lyons, and to continue with him as long as he might have +occasion for my services. She has since avowed, that a desire of +detaching me from Venture had a great hand in this arrangement. She +consulted Claude Anet about the conveyance of the above-mentioned case. +He advised, that instead of hiring a beast at Annecy, which would +infallibly discover us, it would be better, at night, to take it to some +neighboring village, and there hire an ass to carry it to Seyssel, which +being in the French dominions, we should have nothing to fear. This plan +was adopted; we departed the same night at seven, and Madam de Warrens, +under pretense of paying my expenses, increased the purse of poor Le +Maitre by an addition that was very acceptable. Claude Anet, the +gardiner, and myself, carried the case to the first village, then hired +an ass, and the same night reached Seyssel. + +I think I have already remarked that there are times in which I am so +unlike myself that I might be taken for a man of a direct opposite +disposition; I shall now give an example of this. M. Reydelet, curate of +Seyssel, was canon of St. Peter's, consequently known to M. le Maitre, +and one of the people from whom he should have taken most pains to +conceal himself; my advice, on the contrary, was to present ourselves to +him, and, under some pretext, entreat entertainment as if we visited him +by consent of the chapter. Le Maitre adopted the idea, which seemed to +give his revenge the appearance of satire and waggery; in short, we went +boldly to Reydelet, who received us very kindly. Le Maitre told him he +was going to Bellay by desire of the bishop, that he might superintend +the music during the Easter holidays, and that he proposed returning that +way in a few days. To support this tale, I told a hundred others, so +naturally that M. Reydelet thought me a very agreeable youth, and treated +me with great friendship and civility. We were well regaled and well +lodged: M. Reydelet scarcely knew how to make enough of us; and we parted +the best friends in the world, with a promise to stop longer on our +return. We found it difficult to refrain from laughter, or wait till we +were alone to give free vent to our mirth: indeed, even now, the bare +recollection of it forces a smile, for never was waggery better or more +fortunately maintained. This would have made us merry during the +remainder of our journey, if M. le Maitre (who did not cease drinking) +had not been two or three times attacked with a complaint that he +afterwards became very subject to, and which resembled an epilepsy. +These fits threw me into the most fearful embarrassments, from which I +resolved to extricate myself with the first opportunity. + +According to the information given to M. Reydelet, we passed our Easter +holidays at Bellay, and though not expected there, were received by the +music--master, and welcomed by every one with great pleasure. M. le +Maitre was of considerable note in his profession, and, indeed, merited +that distinction. The music-master of Bellay (who was fond of his own +works) endeavored to obtain the approbation of so good a judge; for +besides being a connoisseur, M. le Maitre was equitable, neither a +jealous, ill-natured critic, nor a servile flatterer. He was so superior +to the generality of country music-masters and they were so sensible of +it, that they treated him rather as their chief than a brother musician. + +Having passed four or five days very agreeably at Bellay, we departed, +and continuing our journey without meeting with any accidents, except +those I have just spoken of, arrived at Lyons, and were lodged at Notre +Dame de Pitie. While we waited for the arrival of the before-mentioned +case (which by the assistance of another lie, and the care of our good +patron, M. Reydelet, we had embarked on the Rhone) M. le Maitre went to +visit his acquaintance, and among others Father Cato, a Cordelier, who +will be spoken of hereafter, and the Abbe Dortan, Count of Lyons, both of +whom received him well, but afterwards betrayed him, as will be seen +presently; indeed, his good fortune terminated with M. Reydelet. + +Two days after our arrival at Lyons, as we passed a little street not far +from our inn, Le Maitre was attacked by one of his fits; but it was now +so violent as to give me the utmost alarm. I screamed with terror, +called for help, and naming our inn, entreated some one to bear him to +it, then (while the people were assembled, and busy round a man that had +fallen senseless in the street) he was abandoned by the only friend on +whom he could have any reasonable dependence; I seized the instant when +no one heeded me, turned the corner of the street and disappeared. +Thanks to Heaven, I have made my third painful confession; if many such +remained, I should certainly abandon the work I have undertaken. + +Of all the incidents I have yet related, a few traces are remaining in +the places where I have lived; but what I have to relate in the following +book is almost entirely unknown; these are the greatest extravagancies of +my life, and it is happy they had not worse conclusions. My head, (if I +may use the simile) screwed up to the pitch of an instrument it did not +naturally accord with, had lost its diapason; in time it returned to it +again, when I discontinued my follies, or at least gave in to those more +consonant to my disposition. This epoch of my youth I am least able to +recollect, nothing having passed sufficiently interesting to influence my +heart, to make me clearly retrace the remembrance. In so many successive +changes, it is difficult not to make some transpositions of time or +place. I write absolutely from memory, without notes or materials to +help my recollection. Some events are as fresh in my idea as if they had +recently happened, but there are certain chasms which I cannot fill up +but by the aid of recital, as confused as the remaining traces of those +to which they refer. It is possible, therefore, that I may have erred in +trifles, and perhaps shall again, but in every matter of importance I can +answer that the account is faithfully exact, and with the same veracity +the reader may depend I shall be careful to continue it. + +My resolution was soon taken after quitting Le Maitre; I set out +immediately for Annecy. The cause and mystery of our departure had +interested me for the security of our retreat: this interest, which +entirely employed my thoughts for some days, had banished every other +idea; but no sooner was I secure and in tranquility, than my predominant +sentiment regained its place. Nothing flattered, nothing tempted me, I +had no wish but to return to Madam de Warrens; the tenderness and truth +of my attachment to her had rooted from my heart every imaginable +project, and all the follies of ambition, I conceived no happiness but +living near her, nor could I take a step without feeling that the +distance between us was increased. I returned, therefore, as soon as +possible, with such speed, and with my spirits in such a state of +agitation, that though I recall with pleasure all my other travels, I +have not the least recollection of this, only remembering my leaving +Lyons and reaching Annecy. Let anyone judge whether this last event can +have slipped my memory, when informed that on my arrival I found Madam de +Warrens was not there, having set out for Paris. + +I was never well informed of the motives of this journey. I am certain +she would have told me had I asked her, but never was man less curious to +learn the secrets of his friend. My heart is ever so entirely filled +with the present, or with past pleasures, which become a principal part +of my enjoyment, that there is not a chink or corner for curiosity to +enter. All that I conceive from what I heard of it, is, that in the +revolution caused at Turin by the abdication of the King of Sardinia, +she feared being forgotten, and was willing by favor of the intrigues of +M. d' Aubonne to seek the same advantage in the court of France, where +she has often told me she should, have preferred it, as the multiplicity +of business there prevents your conduct from being so closely inspected. +If this was her business, it is astonishing that on her return she was +not ill received; be that as it will, she continued to enjoy her +allowance without any interruption. Many people imagined she was charged +with some secret commission, either by the bishop, who then had business +at the court of France, where he himself was soon after obliged to go, +or some one yet more powerful, who knew how to insure her a gracious +reception at her return. If this was the case, it is certain the +ambassadress was not ill chosen, since being young and handsome, she had +all the necessary qualifications to succeed in a negotiation. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +A subject not even fit to make a priest of +Endeavoring to hide my incapacity, I rarely fail to show it +Endeavoring to rise too high we are in danger of falling +Foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment +Hat only fit to be carried under his arm +Love of the marvellous is natural to the human heart +Mistake wit for sense +Priests ought never to have children--except by married women +Rather appeared to study with than to instruct me +Though not a fool, I have frequently passed for one + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v3 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK IV. + + +Let any one judge my surprise and grief at not finding her on my arrival. +I now felt regret at having abandoned M. le Maitre, and my uneasiness +increased when I learned the misfortunes that had befallen him. His box +of music, containing all his fortune, that precious box, preserved with +so much care and fatigue, had been seized on at Lyons by means of Count +Dortan, who had received information from the Chapter of our having +absconded with it. In vain did Le Maitre reclaim his property, his means +of existence, the labor of his life; his right to the music in question +was at least subject to litigation, but even that liberty was not allowed +him, the affair being instantly decided on the principal of superior +strength. Thus poor Le Maitre lost the fruit of his talents, the labor +of his youth, and principal dependence for the support of old age. + +Nothing was wanting to render the news I had received truly afflicting, +but I was at an age when even the greatest calamities are to be +sustained; accordingly I soon found consolation. I expected shortly +to hear news of Madam de Warrens, though I was ignorant of the address, +and she knew nothing of my return. As to my desertion of Le Maitre (all +things considered) I did not find it so very culpable. I had been +serviceable to him at his retreat; it was not in my power to give him any +further assistance. Had I remained with him in France it would not have +cured his complaint. I could not have saved his music, and should only +have doubled his expense: in this point of view I then saw my conduct; +I see it otherwise now. It frequently happens that a villainous action +does not torment us at the instant we commit it, but on recollection, and +sometimes even after a number of years have elapsed, for the remembrance +of crimes is not to be extinguished. + +The only means I had to obtain news of Madam de Warrens was to remain at +Annecy. Where should I seek her in Paris? or how bear the expense of +such a journey? Sooner or later there was no place where I could be so +certain to hear of her as that I was now at; this consideration +determined me to remain there, though my conduct was very indifferent. +I did not go to the bishop, who had already befriended me, and might +continue to do so; my patroness was not present, and I feared his +reprimands on the subject of our flight; neither did I go to the +seminary, M. Graswas no longer there; in short, I went to none of my +acquaintances. I should gladly have visited the intendant's lady, but +did not dare; I did worse, I sought out M. Venture, whom (notwithstanding +my enthusiasm) I had never thought of since my departure. I found him +quite gay, in high spirits, and the universal favorite of the ladies of +Annecy. + +This success completed my infatuation; I saw nothing but M. Venture; he +almost made me forget even Madam de Warrens. That I might profit more at +ease by his instructions and example, I proposed to share his lodgings, +to which he readily consented. It was at a shoemaker's; a pleasant, +jovial fellow, who, in his county dialect, called his wife nothing but +trollop; an appellation which she certainly merited. Venture took care +to augment their differences, though under an appearance of doing the +direct contrary, throwing out in a distant manner, and provincial +accents, hints that produced the utmost effect, and furnished such scenes +as were sufficient to make any one die with laughter. Thus the mornings +passed without our thinking of them; at two or three o'clock we took some +refreshment. Venture then went to his various engagements, where he +supped, while I walked alone, meditating on his great merit, coveting and +admiring his rare talents, and cursing my own unlucky stars, that did not +call me to so happy a life. How little did I then know of myself! mine +had been a thousand times more delightful, had I not been such a fool, or +known better how to enjoy it. + +Madam de Warrens had taken no one with her but Anet: Merceret, the +chambermaid, whom I have before mentioned, still remained in the house. +Merceret was something older than myself, not pretty, but tolerably +agreeable; good-natured, free from malice, having no fault to my +knowledge but being a little refractory with her mistress. I often went +to see her; she was an old acquaintance, who recalled to my remembrance +one more beloved, and this made her dear to me. She had several friends, +and among others one Mademoiselle Giraud, a Genevese, who, for the +punishment of my sins, took it in her head to have an inclination for me, +always pressing Merceret, when she returned her visits, to bring me with +her. As I liked Merceret, I felt no disinclination to accompany her; +besides I met there with some young people whose company pleased me. +For Mademoiselle Giraud, who offered every kind of enticement, nothing +could increase the aversion I had for her. When she drew near me, with +her dried black snout, smeared with Spanish snuff, it was with the utmost +difficulty that I could refrain from expressing my distaste; but, being +pleased with her visitors, I took patience. Among these were two girls +who (either to pay their court to Mademoiselle Giraud or myself) paid me +every possible attention. I conceived this to be only friendship; but +have since thought it depended only on myself to have discovered +something more, though I did not even think of it at the time. + +There was another reason for my stupidity. Seamstresses, chambermaids, +or milliners, never tempted me; I sighed for ladies! Every one has his +peculiar taste, this has ever been mine; being in this particular of a +different opinion from Horace. Yet it is not vanity of riches or rank +that attracts me; it is a well-preserved complexion, fine hands, elegance +of ornaments, an air of delicacy and neatness throughout the whole +person; more in taste, in the manner of expressing themselves, a finer or +better made gown, a well-turned ankle, small foot, ribbons, lace, and +well-dressed hair; I even prefer those who have less natural beauty, +provided they are elegantly decorated. I freely confess this preference +is very ridiculous; yet my heart gives in to it spite of my +understanding. Well, even this advantage presented itself, and it only +depended on my own resolution to have seized the opportunity. + +How do I love, from time to time, to return to those moments of my youth, +which were so charmingly delightful; so short, so scarce, and enjoyed at +so cheap a rate!--how fondly do I wish to dwell on them! Even yet the +remembrance of these scenes warms my heart with a chaste rapture, which +appears necessary to reanimate my drooping courage, and enable me to +sustain the weariness of my latter days. + +The appearance of Aurora seemed so delightful one morning that, putting +on my clothes, I hastened into the country, to see the rising of the sun. +I enjoyed that pleasure in its utmost extent; it was one week after +midsummer; the earth was covered with verdure and flowers, the +nightingales, whose soft warblings were almost concluded, seemed to vie +with each other, and in concert with birds of various kinds to bid adieu +to spring, and hail the approach of a beautiful summer's day: one of +those lovely days that are no longer to be enjoyed at my age, and which +have never been seen on the melancholy soil I now inhabit. + +I had rambled insensibly, to a considerable distance from the town--the +heat augmented--I was walking in the shade along a valley, by the side of +a brook, I heard behind me the steps of horses, and the voice of some +females who, though they seemed embarrassed, did not laugh the less +heartily on that account. I turn round, hear myself called by name, and +approaching, find two young people of my acquaintance, Mademoiselle de +G---- and Mademoiselle Galley, who, not being very excellent horsewomen, +could not make their horses cross the rivulet. + +Mademoiselle de G---- was a young lady of Berne, very amiable; who, +having been sent from that country for some youthful folly, had imitated +Madam de Warrens, at whose house I had sometimes seen her; but not +having, like her, a pension, she had been fortunate in this attachment to +Mademoiselle Galley, who had prevailed on her mother to engage her young +friend as a companion, till she could be otherwise provided for. +Mademoiselle Galley was one year younger than her friend, handsomer, +more delicate, more ingenious, and to complete all, extremely well made. +They loved each other tenderly, and the good disposition of both could +not fail to render their union durable, if some lover did not derange it. +They informed me they were going to Toune, an old castle belonging to +Madam Galley, and implored my assistance to make their horses cross the +stream, not being able to compass it themselves. I would have given each +a cut or two with the whip,, but they feared I might be kicked, and +themselves thrown; I therefore had recourse to another expedient, I took +hold of Mademoiselle Galley's horse and led him through the brook, the +water reaching half-way up my legs. The other followed without any +difficulty. This done, I would have paid my compliments to the ladies, +and walked off like a great booby as I was, but after whispering each +other, Mademoiselle de G---- said, "No, no, you must not think to escape +thus; you have got wet in our service, and we ought in conscience to take +care and dry you. If you please you must go with us, you are now our +prisoner." My heart began to beat--I looked at Mademoiselle Galley---- +"Yes, yes," added she, laughing at my fearful look; "our prisoner of war; +come, get up behind her, we shall give a good account of you." But, +mademoiselle," continued I, "I have not the honor to be acquainted with +your mother; what will she say on my arrival?"--"Her mother," replied +Mademoiselle de G---- is not at Toune, we are alone, we shall return at +night, and you shall come back with us. + +The stroke of electricity has not a more instantaneous effect than these +words produced on me. Leaping behind Mademoiselle de G----, I trembled +with joy, and when it became necessary to clasp her in order to hold +myself on, my heart beat so violently that she perceived it, and told me +hers beat also from a fear of falling. In my present posture, I might +naturally have considered this an invitation to satisfy myself of the +truth of her assertion, yet I did not dare, and during the whole way my +arm served as a girdle (a very close one, I must confess), without being +a moment displaced. Some women that may read this would be for giving me +a box on the ear, and, truly, I deserved it. + +The gayety of the journey, and the chat of these girls, so enlivened me, +that during the whole time we passed together we never ceased talking a +moment. They had set me so thoroughly at ease, that my tongue spoke as +fast as my eyes, though not exactly the same things. Some minutes, +indeed, when I was left alone with either, the conversation became a +little embarrassed, but neither of them was absent long enough to allow +time for explaining the cause. + +Arrived at Toune, and myself well dried, we breakfasted together; after +which it was necessary to settle the important business of preparing +dinner. The young ladies cooked, kissing from time to time the farmer's +children, while the poor scullion looked on grumbling. Provisions had +been sent for from town, and there was everything necessary for a good +dinner, but unhappily they had forgotten wine; this forgetfulness was by +no means astonishing to girls who seldom drank any, but I was sorry for +the omission, as I had reckoned on its help, thinking it might add to my +confidence. They were sorry likewise, and perhaps from the same motive; +though I have no reason to say this, for their lively and charming gayety +was innocence itself; besides, there were two of them, what could they +expect from me? they went everywhere about the neighborhood to seek for +wine, but none could be procured, so pure and sober are the peasants in +those parts. As they were expressing their concern, I begged them not to +give themselves any uneasiness on my account, for while with them I had +no occasion for wine to intoxicate me. This was the only gallantry I +ventured at during the whole of the day, and I believe the sly rogues saw +well enough that I said nothing but the truth. + +We dined in the kitchen; the two friends were seated on the benches, one +on each side the long table, and their guest at the end, between them, on +a three--legged stool. What a dinner! how charming the remembrance! +While we can enjoy, at so small an expense, such pure, such true +delights, why should we be solicitous for others? Never did those +'petite soupes', so celebrated in Paris, equal this; I do not only say +for real pleasure and gayety, but even for sensuality. + +After dinner, we were economical; instead of drinking the coffee we had +reserved at breakfast, we kept it for an afternoon collation, with cream, +and some cake they had brought with them. To keep our appetites in play, +we went into the orchard, meaning to finish our dessert with cherries. +I got into a tree, throwing them down bunches, from which they returned +the stones through the branches. One time, Mademoiselle Galley, holding +out her apron, and drawing back her head, stood so fair, and I took such +good aim, that I dropped a bunch into her bosom. On her laughing, I said +to myself, "Why are not my lips cherries? How gladly would I throw them +there likewise." + +Thus the day passed with the greatest freedom, yet with the utmost +decency; not a single equivocal word, not one attempt at double-meaning +pleasantry; yet this delicacy was not affected, we only performed the +parts our hearts dictated; in short, my modesty, some will say my folly, +was such that the greatest familiarity that escaped me was once kissing +the hand of Mademoiselle Galley; it is true, the attending circumstances +helped to stamp a value on this trifling favor; we were alone, I was +embarrassed, her eyes were fixed on the ground, and my lips, instead of +uttering words, were pressed on her hand, which she drew gently back +after the salute, without any appearance of displeasure. I know not what +I should have said to her; but her friend entered, and at that moment I +thought her ugly. + +At length, they bethought themselves, that they must return to town +before night; even now we had but just time to reach it by daylight; +and we hastened our departure in the same order we came. Had I pleased +myself, I should certainly have reversed this order, for the glance of +Mademoiselle Galley had reached my heart, but I dared not mention it, +and the proposal could not reasonably come from her. On the way, we +expressed our sorrow that the day was over, but far from complaining of +the shortness of its duration, we were conscious of having prolonged it +by every possible amusement. + +I quitted them in nearly the same spot where I had taken them up. With +what regret did we part! With what pleasure did we form projects to +renew our meeting! Delightful hours, which we passed innocently +together, yet were worth ages of familiarity! The sweet remembrance of +those days cost those amiable girls nothing; the tender union which +reigned among us equalled more lively pleasures, with which it could not +have existed. We loved each other without shame or mystery, and wished +to continue our reciprocal affection. There is a species of enjoyment +connected with innocence of manners which is superior to any other, +because it has no interval; for myself, the remembrance of such a day +touches me nearer, delights me more, and returns with greater rapture to +my heart than any other pleasure I ever tasted. I hardly knew what I +wished with those charming girls. I do not say: that had the arrangement +been in my power, I should have divided my heart between them; +I certainly felt some degree of preference: though I should have been +happy to have had Mademoiselle de G----, for a mistress, I think, +by choice, I should have liked her, better as a confidante; be that as it +may, I felt on leaving them as though I could not live without either. +Who would have thought that I should never see them more; and that here +our ephemeral amours must end? + +Those who read this will not fail to laugh at my gallantries, and remark, +that after very promising preliminaries, my most forward adventures +concluded by a kiss of the hand: yet be not mistaken, reader, in your +estimate of my enjoyments; I have, perhaps, tasted more real pleasure in +my amours, which concluded by a kiss of the hand, than you will ever have +in yours, which, at least, begin there. + +Venture, who had gone to bed late the night before, came in soon after +me. I did not now see him with my usual satisfaction, and took care not +to inform him how I had passed the day. The ladies had spoken of him +slightingly, and appeared discontented at finding me in such bad hands; +this hurt him in my esteem; besides, whatever diverted my ideas from them +was at this time disagreeable. However, he soon brought me back to him +and myself, by speaking of the situation of my affairs, which was too +critical to last; for, though I spent very little, my slender finances +were almost exhausted. I was without resource; no news of Madam de +Warrens; not knowing what would become of me, and feeling a cruel pang at +heart to see the friend of Mademoiselle Galley reduced to beggary. + +I now learned from Venture that he had spoken of me to the Judge Major, +and would take me next day to dine with him; that he was a man who by +means of his friends might render me essential service. In other +respects he was a desirable acquaintance, being a man of wit and letters, +of agreeable conversation, one who possessed talents and loved them in +others. After this discourse (mingling the most serious concerns with +the most trifling frivolity) he showed me a pretty couplet, which came +from Paris, on an air in one of Mouret's operas, which was then playing. +Monsieur Simon (the judge major) was so pleased with this couplet, that +he determined to make another in answer to it, on the same air. He had +desired Venture to write one, and he wished me to make a third, that, as +he expressed it, they might see couplets start up next day like incidents +in a comic romance. + +In the night (not being able to sleep) I composed a couplet, as my first +essay in poetry. It was passable; better, or at least composed with more +taste than it would have been the preceding night, the subject being +tenderness, to which my heart was now entirely disposed. In the morning +I showed my performance to Venture, who, being pleased with the couplet, +put it in his pocket, without informing me whether he had made his. We +dined with M. Simon, who treated us very politely. The conversation was +agreeable; indeed it could not be otherwise between two men of natural +good sense, improved by reading. For me, I acted my proper part, which +was to listen without attempting to join in the conversation. Neither of +them mentioned the couplet nor do I know that it ever passed for mine. +M. Simon appeared satisfied with my behavior; indeed, it was almost all +he saw of me at this interview. We had often met at Madam de Warrens, +but he had never paid much attention to me; it is from this dinner, +therefore, that I date our acquaintance, which, though of no use in +regard to the object I then had in view, was afterwards productive of +advantages which make me recollect it with pleasure. I should be wrong +not to give some account of this person, since from his office of +magistrate, and the reputation of wit on which he piqued himself, no idea +could be formed of it. The judge major, Simon, certainly was not two feet +high; his legs spare, straight, and tolerably long, would have added +something to his stature had they been vertical, but they stood in the +direction of an open pair of compasses. His body was not only short, but +thin, being in every respect of most inconceivable smallness--when naked +he must have appeared like a grasshopper. His head was of the common +size, to which appertained a well-formed face, a noble look, and +tolerably fine eyes; in short, it appeared a borrowed head, stuck on a +miserable stump. He might very well have dispensed with dress, for his +large wig alone covered him from head to foot. + +He had two voices, perfectly different, which intermingled perpetually in +his conversation, forming at first a diverting, but afterwards a very +disagreeable contrast. One grave and sonorous, was, if I may hazard the +expression, the voice of his head: the other, clear, sharp, and piercing, +the voice of his body. When he paid particular attention, and spoke +leisurely, so as to preserve his breath, he could continue his deep tone; +but if he was the least animated, or attempted a lively accent, his voice +sounded like the whistling of a key, and it was with the utmost +difficulty that he could return to the bass. + +With the figure I have just described, and which is by no means +overcharged, M. Simon was gallant, ever entertaining the ladies with +soft tales, and carrying the decoration of his person even to foppery. +Willing to make use of every advantage he, during the morning, gave +audience in bed, for when a handsome head was discovered on the pillow no +one could have imagined what belonged to it. This circumstance gave +birth to scenes, which I am certain are yet remembered by all Annecy. + +One morning, when he expected to give audience in bed, or rather on the +bed, having on a handsome night-cap ornamented with rose-colored ribbon, +a countryman arriving knocked at the door; the maid happened to be out; +the judge, therefore, hearing the knock repeated, cried "Come in," and, +as he spoke rather loud, it was in his shrill tone. The man entered, +looked about, endeavoring to discover whence the female voice proceeded +and at length seeing a handsome head-dress set off with ribbons, was +about to leave the room, making the supposed lady a hundred apologies. +M. Simon, in a rage, screamed the more; and the countryman, yet more +confirmed in his opinion, conceiving himself to be insulted, began +railing in his turn, saying that, "Apparently, she was nothing better +than a common streetwalker, and that the judge major should be ashamed of +setting such ill examples." The enraged magistrate, having no other +weapon than the jordan under his bed, was just going to throw it at the +poor fellow's head as his servant returned. + +This dwarf, ill-used by nature as to his person, was recompensed by +possessing an understanding naturally agreeable, and which he had been +careful to cultivate. Though he was esteemed a good lawyer, he did not +like his profession, delighting more in the finer parts of literature, +which he studied with success: above all, he possessed that superficial +brilliancy, the art of pleasing in conversation, even with the ladies. +He knew by heart a number of little stories, which he perfectly well knew +how to make the most of; relating with an air of secrecy, and as an +anecdote of yesterday, what happened sixty years before. He understood +music, and could sing agreeably; in short, for a magistrate, he had many +pleasing talents. By flattering the ladies of Annecy, he became +fashionable among them, appearing continually in their train. He even +pretended to favors, at which they were much amused. A Madam D'Epigny +used to say "The greatest favor he could aspire to, was to kiss a lady on +her knees." + +As he was well read, and spoke fluently, his conversation was both +amusing and instructive. When I afterwards took a taste for study, +I cultivated his acquaintance, and found my account in it: when at +Chambery, I frequently went from thence to see him. His praises +increased my emulation, to which he added some good advice respecting the +prosecution of my studies, which I found useful. Unhappily, this weakly +body contained a very feeling soul. Some years after, he was chagrined +by I know not what unlucky affair, but it cost him his life. This was +really unfortunate, for he was a good little man, whom at a first +acquaintance one laughed at, but afterwards loved. Though our situations +in life were very little connected with each other, as I received some +useful lessons from him, I thought gratitude demanded that I should +dedicate a few sentences to his memory. + +As soon as I found myself at liberty, I ran into the street where +Mademoiselle Galley lived, flattering myself that I should see someone go +in or out, or at least open a window, but I was mistaken, not even a cat +appeared, the house remaining as close all the time as if it had been +uninhabited. The street was small and lonely, any one loitering about +was, consequently, more likely to be noticed; from time to time people +passed in and out of the neighborhood; I was much embarrassed, thinking +my person might be known, and the cause that brought me there +conjectured; this idea tortured me, for I have ever preferred the honor +and happiness of those I love to my own pleasures. + +At length, weary of playing the Spanish lover, and having no guitar, +I determined to write to Mademoiselle de G----. I should have preferred +writing to her friend, but did not dare take that liberty, as it appeared +more proper to begin with her to whom I owed the acquaintance, and with +whom I was most familiar. Having written my letter, I took it to +Mademoiselle Giraud, as the young ladies had agreed at parting, they +having furnished me with this expedient. Mademoiselle Giraud was a +quilter, and sometimes worked at Madam Galley's, which procured her free +admission to the house. I must confess, I was not thoroughly satisfied +with this messenger, but was cautious of starting difficulties, fearing +that if I objected to her no other might be named, and it was impossible +to intimate that she had an inclination to me herself. I even felt +humiliated that she should think I could imagine her of the same sex as +those young ladies: in a word, I accepted her agency rather than none, +and availed myself of it at all events. + +At the very first word, Giraud discovered me. I must own this was not a +difficult matter, for if sending a letter to young girls had not spoken +sufficiently plain, my foolish embarrassed air would have betrayed me. +It will easily be supposed that the employment gave her little +satisfaction, she undertook it, however, and performed it faithfully. +The next morning I ran to her house and found an answer ready for me. +How did I hurry away that I might have an opportunity to read and kiss it +alone! though this need not been told, but the plan adopted by +Mademoiselle Giraud (and in which I found more delicacy and moderation +than I had expected) should. She had sense enough to conclude that her +thirty--seven years, hare's eyes, daubed nose, shrill voice, and black +skin, stood no chance against two elegant young girls, in all the height +and bloom of beauty; she resolved, therefore, nether to betray nor assist +them, choosing rather to lose me entirely than entertain me for them. + +As Merceret had not heard from her mistress for some time, she thought of +returning to Fribourg, and the persuasions of Giraud determined her; nay +more, she intimated it was proper someone should conduct her to her +father's and proposed me. As I happened to be agreeable to little +Merceret, she approved the idea, and the same day they mentioned it to me +as a fixed point. Finding nothing displeasing in the manner they had +disposed of me, I consented, thinking it could not be above a week's +journey at most; but Giraud, who had arranged the whole affair, thought +otherwise. It was necessary to avow the state of my finances, and the +conclusion was, that Merceret should defray my expenses; but to retrench +on one hand what was expended on the other, I advised that her little +baggage should be sent on before, and that we should proceed by easy +journeys on foot. + +I am sorry to have so many girls in love with me, but as there is nothing +to be very vain of in the success of these amours, I think I may tell the +truth without scruple. Merceret, younger and less artful than Giraud, +never made me so many advances, but she imitated my manners, my actions, +repeated my words, and showed me all those little attentions I ought to +have had for her. Being very timorous, she took great care that we +should both sleep in the same chamber; a circumstance that usually +produces some consequences between a lad of twenty and a girl of twenty-- +five. + +For once, however, it went no further; my simplicity being such, that +though Merceret was by no means a disagreeable girl, an idea of gallantry +never entered my head, and even if it had, I was too great a novice to +have profited by it. I could not imagine how two young persons could +bring themselves to sleep together, thinking that such familiarity must +require an age of preparation. If poor Merceret paid my expenses in +hopes of any return, she was terribly cheated, for we arrived at Fribourg +exactly as we had quitted Annecy. + +I passed through Geneva without visiting any one. While going over the +bridges, I found myself so affected that I could scarcely proceed. Never +could I see the walls of that city, never could I enter it, without +feeling my heart sink from excess of tenderness, at the same time that +the image of liberty elevated my soul. The ideas of equality, union, and +gentleness of manners, touched me even to tears, and inspired me with a +lively regret at having forfeited all these advantages. What an error +was I in! but yet how natural! I imagined I saw all this in my native +country, because I bore it in my heart. + +It was necessary to pass through Nion: could I do this without seeing my +good father? Had I resolved on doing so, I must afterwards have died +with regret. I left Merceret at the inn, and ventured to his house. +How wrong was I to fear him! On seeing me, his soul gave way to the +parental tenderness with which it was filled. What tears were mingled +with our embraces! He thought I was returned to him: I related my +history, and informed him of my resolution. He opposed it feebly, +mentioning the dangers to which I exposed myself, and telling me the +shortest follies were best, but did not attempt to keep me by force, +in which particular I think he acted right; but it is certain he did not +do everything in his power to detain me, even by fair means. Whether +after the step I had taken, he thought I ought not to return, or was +puzzled at my age to know what to do with me--I have since found that he +conceived a very unjust opinion of my travelling companion. My step-- +mother, a good woman, a little coaxingly put on an appearance of wishing +me to stay to supper; I did not, however, comply, but told them I +proposed remaining longer with them on my return; leaving as a deposit +my little packet, that had come by water, and would have been an +incumbrance, had I taken it with me. I continued my journey the next +morning, well satisfied that I had seen my father, and had taken courage +to do my duty. + +We arrived without any accident at Fribourg. Towards the conclusion of +the journey, the politeness of Mademoiselle Merceret rather diminished, +and, after our arrival, she treated me even with coldness. Her father, +who was not in the best circumstances, did not show me much attention, +and I was obliged to lodge at an alehouse. I went to see them the next +morning, and received an invitation to dine there, which I accepted. We +separated without tears at night; I returned to my paltry lodging, and +departed the second day after my arrival, almost without knowing whither +to go to. + +This was a circumstance of my life in which Providence offered me +precisely what was necessary to make my days pass happily. Merceret was +a good girl, neither witty, handsome, nor ugly; not very lively, but +tolerably rational, except while under the influence of some little +humors, which usually evaporated in tears, without any violent outbreak +of temper. She had a real inclination for me; I might have married her +without difficulty, and followed her father's business. My taste for +music would have made me love her; I should have settled at Fribourg, a +small town, not pretty, but inhabited by very worthy people--I should +certainly have missed great pleasures, but should have lived in peace to +my last hour, and I must know best what I should have gained by such a +step. + +I did not return to Nion, but to Lausanne, wishing to gratify myself with +a view of that beautiful lake which is seen there in its utmost extent. +The greater part of my secret motives have not been so reasonable. +Distant expectation has rarely strength enough to influence my actions; +the uncertainty of the future ever making me regard projects whose +execution requires a length of time as deceitful lures. I give in to +visionary scenes of hope as well as others, provided they cost nothing, +but if attended with any trouble, I have done with them. The smallest, +the most trifling pleasure that is conveniently within my reach, tempts +me more than all the joys of paradise. I must except, however, those +pleasures which are necessarily followed by pain; I only love those +enjoyments which are unadulterated, which can never be the case where we +are conscious they must be followed by repentance. + +It was necessary I should arrive at some place, and the nearest was best; +for having lost my way on the road, I found myself in the evening at +Moudon, where I spent all that remained of my little stock except ten +creuzers, which served to purchase my next day's dinner. Arriving in the +evening at Lausanne, I went into an ale-house, without a penny in my +pocket to pay for my lodging, or knowing what would become of me. I +found myself extremely hungry--setting, therefore, a good face on the +matter, I ordered supper, made my meal, went to bed without thought and +slept with great composure. In the morning, having breakfasted and +reckoned with my host, I offered to leave my waistcoat in pledge for +seven batz, which was the amount of my expenses. The honest man refused +this, saying, thank Heaven, he had never stripped any one, and would not +now begin for seven batz, adding I should keep my waistcoat and pay him +when I could. I was affected with this unexpected kindness, but felt it +less than I ought to have done, or have since experienced on the +remembrance of it. I did not fail sending him his money, with thanks, by +one I could depend on. Fifteen years after, passing Lausanne, on my +return from Italy, I felt a sensible regret at having forgotten the name +of the landlord and house. I wished to see him, and should have felt +real pleasure in recalling to his memory that worthy action. +Services which doubtless have been much more important, but rendered with +ostentation, have not appeared to me so worthy of gratitude as the simple +unaffected humanity of this honest man. + +As I approached Lausanne, I thought of my distress, and the means of +extricating myself, without appearing in want to my step-mother. +I compared myself, in this walking pilgrimage, to my friend Venture, +on his arrival at Annecy, and was so warmed with the idea, that without +recollecting that I had neither his gentility nor his talents, I +determined to act the part of little Venture at Lausanne, to teach music, +which I did not understand, and say I came from Paris, where I had never +been. + +In consequence of this noble project (as there was no company where I +could introduce myself without expense, and not choosing to venture among +professional people), I inquired for some little inn, where I could lodge +cheap, and was directed to one named Perrotet, who took in boarders. +This Perrotet, who was one of the best men in the world, received me very +kindly, and after having heard my feigned story and profession, promised +to speak of me, and endeavored to procure me scholars, saying he should +not expect any money till I had earned it. His price for board, though +moderate in itself, was a great deal to me; he advised me, therefore, to +begin with half board, which consisted of good soup only for dinner, but +a plentiful supper at night. I closed with this proposition, and the +poor Perrotet trusted me with great cheerfulness, sparing, meantime, no +trouble to be useful to me. + +Having found so many good people in my youth, why do I find so few in my +age? Is their race extinct? No; but I do not seek them in the same +situation I did formerly, among the commonality, where violent passions +predominate only at intervals, and where nature speaks her genuine +sentiments. In more elevated stations they are entirely smothered, and +under the mask of sentiment, only interest or vanity is heard. + +Having written to my father from Lausanne, he sent my packet and some +excellent advice, of which I should have profited better. I have already +observed that I have moments of inconceivable delirium, in which I am +entirely out of myself. The adventure I am about to relate is an +instance of this: to comprehend how completely my brain was turned, and +to what degree I had 'Venturised' (if I may be allowed the expression), +the many extravagances I ran into at the same time should be considered. +Behold me, then, a singing master, without knowing how to note a common +song; for if the five or six months passed with Le Maitre had improved +me, they could not be supposed sufficient to qualify me for such an +undertaking; besides, being taught by a master was enough (as I have +before observed) to make me learn ill. Being a Parisian from Geneva, +and a Catholic in a Protestant country, I thought I should change my name +with my religion and country, still approaching as near as possible to +the great model I had in view. He called himself Venture de Villeneuve. +I changed, by anagram, the name Rousseau into that of Vaussore, calling +myself Monsieur Vaussore de Villeneuve. Venture was a good composer, +though he had not said so; without knowing anything of the art, I boasted +of my skill to every one. This was not all: being presented to Monsieur +de Freytorens, professor of law, who loved music, and who gave concerts +at his house, nothing would do but I must give him a proof of my talents, +and accordingly I set about composing a piece for his concerts, as boldly +as if I had really understood the science. I had the constancy to labor +a fortnight at this curious business, to copy it fair, write out the +different parts, and distribute them with as much assurance as if they +had been masterpieces of harmony; in short (what will hardly be believed, +though strictly true), I tacked a very pretty minuet to the end of it, +that was commonly played about the streets, and which many may remember +from these words, so well known at that time: + + Quel caprice! + Quel injustice! + Quio, tu Clarice + Trahiriot tes feux? &'c. + +Venture had taught me this air with the bass, set to other words, by the +help of which I had retained it: thus at the end of my composition, I put +this minuet and bass, suppressing the words, and uttering it for my own +as confidently as if I had been speaking to the inhabitants of the moon. +They assembled to perform my piece; I explain to each the movement, taste +of execution, and references to his part--I was fully occupied. They +were five or six minutes preparing, which were for me so many ages: at +length, everything is adjusted, myself in a conspicuous situation, a fine +roll of paper in my hand, gravely preparing to beat time. I gave four or +five strokes with my paper, attending with "take care!" they begin-- +No, never since French operas existed was there such a confused discord! +The minuet, however, presently put all the company in good humor; hardly +was it begun, before I heard bursts of laughter from all parts, every one +congratulated me on my pretty taste for music, declaring this minuet +would make me spoken of, and that I merited the loudest praise. It is +not necessary to describe my uneasiness, or to own how much I deserved +it. + +Next day, one of the musicians, named Lutold, came to see me and was kind +enough to congratulate me on my success. The profound conviction of my +folly, shame, regret, and the state of despair to which I was reduced, +with the impossibility of concealing the cruel agitation of my heart, +made me open it to him; giving, therefore, a loose to my tears, not +content with owning my ignorance, I told all, conjuring him to secrecy; +he kept his word, as every one will suppose. The same evening, all +Lausanne knew who I was, but what is remarkable, no one seemed to know, +not even the good Perrotet, who (notwithstanding what had happened) +continued to lodge and board me. + +I led a melancholy life here; the consequences of such an essay had not +rendered Lausanne a very agreeable residence. Scholars did not present +themselves in crowds, not a single female, and not a person of the city. +I had only two or three great dunces, as stupid as I was ignorant, who +fatigued me to death, and in my hands were not likely to edify much. + +At length, I was sent for to a house, where a little serpent of a girl +amused herself by showing me a parcel of music that I could not read a +note of, and which she had the malice to sing before her master, to teach +him how it should be executed; for I was so unable to read an air at +first sight, that in the charming concert I have just described, I could +not possibly follow the execution a moment, or know whether they played +truly what lay before them, and I myself had composed. + +In the midst of so many humiliating circumstances, I had the pleasing +consolation, from time to time, of receiving letters from my two charming +friends. I have ever found the utmost consolatory virtue in the fair; +when in disgrace, nothing softens my affliction more than to be sensible +that an amiable woman is interested for me. This correspondence ceased +soon after, and was never renewed: indeed it was my own fault, for in +changing situations I neglected sending my address, and forced by +necessity to think perpetually of myself, I soon forgot them. + +It is a long time since I mentioned Madam de Warrens, but it should not +be supposed I had forgotten her; never was she a moment absent from my +thoughts. I anxiously wished to find her, not merely because she was +necessary to my subsistence, but because she was infinitely more +necessary to my heart. My attachment to her (though lively and tender, +as it really was) did not prevent my loving others, but then it was not +in the same manner. All equally claimed my tenderness for their charms, +but it was those charms alone I loved, my passion would not have survived +them, while Madam de Warrens might have become old or ugly without my +loving her the less tenderly. My heart had entirely transmitted to +herself the homage it first paid to her beauty, and whatever change she +might experience, while she remained herself, my sentiments could not +change. I was sensible how much gratitude I owed to her, but in truth, I +never thought of it, and whether she served me or not, it would ever have +been the same thing. I loved her neither from duty, interest, nor +convenience; I loved her because I was born to love her. During my +attachment to another, I own this affection was in some measure deranged; +I did not think so frequently of her, but still with the same pleasure, +and never, in love or otherwise, did I think of her without feeling that +I could expect no true happiness in life while in a state of separation. + +Though in so long a time I had received no news from Madam de Warrens, I +never imagined I had entirely lost her, or that she could have forgotten +me. I said to myself, she will know sooner or later that I am wandering +about, and will find some means to inform me of her situation: I am +certain I shall find her. In the meantime, it was a pleasure to live in +her native country, to walk in the streets where she had walked, and +before the houses that she had lived in; yet all this was the work of +conjecture, for one of my foolish peculiarities was, not daring to +inquire after her, or even pronounce her name without the most absolute +necessity. It seemed in speaking of her that I declared all I felt, that +my lips revealed the secrets of my heart, and in some degree injured the +object of my affection. I believe fear was likewise mingled with this +idea; I dreaded to hear ill of her. Her management had been much spoken +of, and some little of her conduct in other respects; fearing, therefore, +that something might be said which I did not wish to hear, I preferred +being silent on the subject. + +As my scholars did not take up much of my time, and the town where she +was born was not above four leagues from Lausanne, I made it a walk of +three or four days; during which time a most pleasant emotion never left +me. A view of the lake of Geneva and its admirable banks, had ever, in +my idea, a particular attraction which I cannot describe; not arising +merely from the beauty of the prospect, but something else, I know not +why, more interesting, which affects and softens me. Every time I have +approached the Vaudois country I have experienced an impression composed +of the remembrance of Madam de Warrens, who was born there; of my father, +who lived there; of Miss Vulson, who had been my first love, and of +several pleasant journeys I had made there in my childhood, mingled with +some nameless charm, more powerfully attractive than all the rest. When +that ardent desire for a life of happiness and tranquility (which ever +follows me, and for which I was born) inflames my mind, 'tis ever to the +country of Vaud, near the lake, in those charming plains, that +imagination leads me. An orchard on the banks of that lake, and no +other, is absolutely necessary; a firm friend, an amiable woman, a cow, +and a little boat; nor could I enjoy perfect happiness on earth without +these concomitants. I laugh at the simplicity with which I have several +times gone into that country for the sole purpose of seeking this +imaginary happiness when I was ever surprised to find the inhabitants, +particularly the women, of a quite different disposition to what I +sought. How strange did this appear to me! The country and people who +inhabit it, were never, in my idea, formed for each other. + +Walking along these beautiful banks, on my way to Vevay, I gave myself +up to the soft melancholy; my heart rushed with ardor into a thousand +innocent felicities; melting to tenderness, I sighed and wept like a +child. How often, stopping to weep more at my ease, and seated on a +large stone, did I amuse myself with seeing my tears drop into the water. + +On my arrival at Vevay, I lodged at the Key, and during the two days I +remained there, without any acquaintance, conceived a love for that city, +which has followed me through all my travels, and was finally the cause +that I fixed on this spot, in the novel I afterwards wrote, for the +residence of my hero and heroines. I would say to any one who has taste +and feeling, go to Vevay, visit the surrounding country, examine the +prospects, go on the lake and then say, whether nature has not designed +this country for a Julia, a Clara, and a St. Preux; but do not seek them +there. I now return to my story. + +Giving myself out for a Catholic, I followed without mystery or scruple +the religion I had embraced. On a Sunday, if the weather was fine, I +went to hear mass at Assans, a place two leagues distant from Lausanne, +and generally in company with other Catholics, particularly a Parisian +embroiderer, whose name I have forgotten. Not such a Parisian as myself, +but a real native of Paris, an arch-Parisian from his maker, yet honest +as a peasant. He loved his country so well, that he would not doubt my +being his countryman, for fear he should not have so much occasion to +speak of it. The lieutenant-governor, M. de Crouzas, had a gardener, who +was likewise from Paris, but not so complaisant; he thought the glory of +his country concerned, when any one claimed that honor who was not really +entitled to it; he put questions to me, therefore, with an air and tone, +as if certain to detect me in a falsehood, and once, smiling malignantly, +asked what was remarkable in the 'Marcheneuf'? It may be supposed I +asked the question; but I have since passed twenty years at Paris, and +certainly know that city, yet was the same question repeated at this day, +I should be equally embarrassed to answer it, and from this embarrassment +it might be concluded I had never been there: thus, even when we meet +with truths, we are subject to build our opinions on circumstances, which +may easily deceive us. + +I formed no ideas, while at Lausanne, that were worth recollecting, nor +can I say exactly how long I remained there; I only know that not finding +sufficient to subsist on, I went from thence to Neutchatel, where I +passed the winter. Here I succeeded better, I got some scholars, and +saved enough to pay my good friend Perrotet, who had faithfully sent my +baggage, though at that time I was considerably in his debt. + +By continuing to teach music, I insensibly gained some knowledge of it. +The life I led was sufficiently agreeable, and any reasonable man might +have been satisfied, but my unsettled heart demanded something more. +On Sundays, or whenever I had leisure, I wandered, sighing and +thoughtful, about the adjoining woods, and when once out of the city +never returned before night. One day, being at Boudry, I went to dine at +a public-house, where I saw a man with a long beard, dressed in a violet- +colored Grecian habit, with a fur cap, and whose air and manner were +rather noble. This person found some difficulty in making himself +understood, speaking only an unintelligible jargon, which bore more +resemblance to Italian than any other language. I understood almost all +he said, and I was the only person present who could do so, for he was +obliged to make his request known to the landlord and others about him by +signs. On my speaking a few words in Italian, which he perfectly +understood, he got up and embraced me with rapture; a connection was soon +formed, and from that moment, I became his interpreter. His dinner was +excellent, mine rather worse than indifferent, he gave me an invitation +to dine with him, which I accepted without much ceremony. Drinking and +chatting soon rendered us familiar, and by the end of the repast we had +all the disposition in the world to become inseparable companions. He +informed me he was a Greek prelate, and 'Archimandrite' of Jerusalem; +that he had undertaken to make a gathering in Europe for the +reestablishment of the Holy Sepulchre, and showed me some very fine +patents from the czarina, the emperor, and several other sovereigns. +He was tolerably content with what he had collected hitherto, though he +had experienced inconceivable difficulties in Germany; for not +understanding a word of German, Latin, or French, he had been obliged to +have recourse to his Greek, Turkish Lingua Franca, which did not procure +him much in the country he was travelling through; his proposal, +therefore, to me was, that I should accompany him in the quality of +secretary and interpreter. In spite of my violet-colored coat, which +accorded well enough with the proposed employment, he guessed from my +meagre appearance, that I should easily be gained; and he was not +mistaken. The bargain was soon made, I demanded nothing, and he promised +liberally; thus, without any security or knowledge of the person I was +about to serve, I gave myself up entirely to his conduct, and the next +day behold me on an expedition to Jerusalem. + +We began our expedition unsuccessfully by the canton of Fribourg. +Episcopal dignity would not suffer him to play the beggar, or solicit +help from private individuals; but we presented his commission to the +Senate, who gave him a trifling sum. From thence we went to Berne, where +we lodged at the Falcon, then a good inn, and frequented by respectable +company; the public table being well supplied and numerously attended. +I had fared indifferently so long, that I was glad to make myself amends, +therefore took care to profit by the present occasion. My lord, the +Archimandrite, was himself an excellent companion, loved good cheer, was +gay, spoke well for those who understood him, and knew perfectly well how +to make the most of his Grecian erudition. One day, at dessert while +cracking nuts, he cut his finger pretty deeply, and as it bled freely +showed it to the company, saying with a laugh, "Mirate, signori; questo a +sangue Pelasgo." + +At Berne, I was not useless to him, nor was my performance so bad as I +had feared: I certainly spoke better and with more confidence than I +could have done for myself. Matters were not conducted here with the +same simplicity as at Fribourg; long and frequent conferences were +necessary with the Premiers of the State, and the examination of his +titles was not the work of a day; at length, everything being adjusted, +he was admitted to an audience by the Senate; I entered with him as +interpreter, and was ordered to speak. I expected nothing less, for it +never entered my mind, that after such long and frequent conferences with +the members, it was necessary to address the assembly collectively, as if +nothing had been said. Judge my embarrassment!--a man so bashful to +speak, not only in public, but before the whole of the Senate of Berne! +to speak impromptu, without a single moment for recollection; it was +enough to annihilate me--I was not even intimidated. I described +distinctly and clearly the commission of the Archimandrite; extolled the +piety of those princes who had contributed, and to heighten that of their +excellencies by emulation, added that less could not be expected from +their well--known munificence; then, endeavoring to prove that this good +work was equally interesting to all Christians, without distinction of +sect; and concluded by promising the benediction of Heaven to all those +who took part in it. I will not say that my discourse was the cause of +our success, but it was certainly well received; and on our quitting the +Archimandrite was gratified by a very genteel present, to which some very +handsome compliments were added on the understanding of his secretary; +these I had the agreeable office of interpreting; but could not take +courage to render them literally. + +This was the only time in my life that I spoke in public, and before a +sovereign; and the only time, perhaps, that I spoke boldly and well. +What difference in the disposition of the same person. Three years ago, +having been to see my old friend, M. Roguin, at Yverdon, I received a +deputation to thank me for some books I had presented to the library of +that city; the Swiss are great speakers; these gentlemen, accordingly, +made me a long harangue, which I thought myself obliged in honor to +answer, but so embarrassed myself in the attempt, that my head became +confused, I stopped short, and was laughed at. Though naturally timid, +I have sometimes acted with confidence in my youth, but never in my +advanced age: the more I have seen of the world the less I have been able +to adapt its manners. + +On leaving Berne, we went to Soleurre: the Archimandrite designing to re- +enter Germany, and return through Hungary or Poland to his own country. +This would have been a prodigious tour; but as the contents of his purse +rather increased than diminished during his journey, he was in no haste +to return. For me, who was almost as much pleased on horseback as on +foot, I would have desired no better than to have travelled thus during +my whole life; but it was pre-ordained that my journey should soon end. + +The first thing we did after our arrival at Soleurre, was to pay our +respects to the French ambassador there. Unfortunately for my bishop, +this chanced to be the Marquis de Bonac, who had been ambassador at the +Porte, and was acquainted with every particular relative to the Holy +Sepulchre. The Archimandrite had an audience that lasted about a quarter +of an hour, to which I was not admitted, as the ambassador spoke French +and Italian at least as well as myself. On my Grecian's retiring, I was +prepared to follow him, but was detained: it was now my turn. Having +called myself a Parisian, as such, I was under the jurisdiction of his +excellency: he therefore asked me who I was? exhorting me to tell the +truth; this I promised to do, but entreated a private audience, which was +immediately granted. The ambassador took me to his closet, and shut the +door; there, throwing myself at his feet, I kept my word, nor should I +have said less, had I promised nothing, for a continual wish to unbosom +myself, puts my heart perpetually upon my lips. After having disclosed +myself without reserve to the musician Lutold, there was no occasion to +attempt acting the mysterious with the Marquis de Bonac, who was so well +pleased with my little history, and the ingenuousness with which I had +related it, that he led me to the ambassadress, and presented me, with an +abridgment of my recital. Madam de Bonac received me kindly, saying, +I must not be suffered to follow that Greek monk. It was accordingly +resolved that I should remain at their hotel till something better could +be done for me. I wished to bid adieu to my poor Archimandrite, for whom +I had conceived an attachment, but was not permitted; they sent him word +that I was to be detained there, and in quarter of an hour after, I saw +my little bundle arrive. M. de la Martiniere, secretary of the embassy, +had in a manner the care of me; while following him to the chamber +appropriated to my use, he said, "This apartment was occupied under the +Count de Luc, by a celebrated man of the same name as yourself; it is in +your power to succeed him in every respect, and cause it to be said +hereafter, Rousseau the First, Rousseau the Second." This similarity +which I did not then expect, would have been less flattering to my wishes +could I have foreseen at what price I should one day purchase the +distinction. + +What M. de la Martiniere had said excited my curiosity; I read the works +of the person whose chamber I occupied, and on the strength of the +compliment that had been paid me (imagining I had a taste for poetry) +made my first essay in a cantata in praise of Madam de Bonac. This +inclination was not permanent, though from time to time I have composed +tolerable verses. I think it is a good exercise to teach elegant turns +of expression, and to write well in prose, but could never find +attractions enough in French poetry to give entirely in to it. + +M. de la Martiniere wished to see my style, and asked me to write the +detail I had before made the ambassador; accordingly I wrote him a long +letter, which I have since been informed was preserved by M. de Marianne, +who had long been attached to the Marquis de Bonac, and has since +succeeded M. de Martiniere as secretary to the embassy of M. de +Courtellies. + +The experience I began to acquire tended to moderate my romantic +projects; for example, I did not fall in love with Madam de Bonac, but +also felt I did not stand much chance of succeeding in the service of her +husband. M. de la Martiniere was already in the only place that could +have satisfied my ambition, and M. de Marianne in expectancy: thus my +utmost hopes could only aspire to the office of under secretary, which +did not infinitely tempt me: this was the reason that when consulted on +the situation I should like to be placed in, I expressed a great desire +to go to Paris. The ambassador readily gave in to the idea, which at +least tended to disembarrass him of me. M. de Mervilleux interpreting +secretary to the embassy, said, that his friend, M. Godard, a Swiss +colonel, in the service of France, wanted a person to be with his nephew, +who had entered very young into the service, and made no doubt that I +should suit him. On this idea, so lightly formed, my departure was +determined; and I, who saw a long journey to perform with Paris at the +end of it, was enraptured with the project. They gave me several +letters, a hundred livres to defray the expenses of my journey, +accompanied with some good advice, and thus equipped I departed. + +I was a fortnight making the journey, which I may reckon among the +happiest days of my life. I was young, in perfect health, with plenty of +money, and the most brilliant hopes, add to this, I was on foot, and +alone. It may appear strange, I should mention the latter circumstance +as advantageous, if my peculiarity of temper is not already familiar to +the reader. I was continually occupied with a variety of pleasing +chimeras, and never did the warmth of my imagination produce more +magnificent ones. When offered an empty place in a carriage, or any +person accosted me on the road, how vexed was I to see that fortune +overthrown, whose edifice, while walking, I had taken such pains to rear. + +For once my ideas were all martial: I was going to live with a military +man; nay, to become one, for it was concluded I should begin with being a +cadet. I already fancied myself in regimentals, with a fine white +feather nodding on my hat, and my heart was inflamed by the noble idea. +I had some smattering of geometry and fortification; my uncle was an +engineer; I was in a manner a soldier by inheritance. My short sight, +indeed, presented some little obstacle, but did not by any means +discourage me, as I reckoned to supply that defect by coolness and +intrepidity. I had read, too, that Marshal Schomberg was remarkably +shortsighted, and why might not Marshal Rousseau be the same? My +imagination was so warm by these follies, that it presented nothing but +troops, ramparts, gabions, batteries, and myself in the midst of fire and +smoke, an eyeglass in hand, commanding with the utmost tranquility. +Notwithstanding, when the country presented a delightful prospect, when I +saw charming groves and rivulets, the pleasing sight made me sigh with +regret, and feel, in the midst of all this glory, that my heart was not +formed for such havoc; and soon without knowing how, I found my thoughts +wandering among my dear sheep-folds, renouncing forever the labor of +Mars. + +How much did Paris disappoint the idea I had formed of it! The exterior +decorations I had seen at Turin, the beauty of the streets, the symmetry +and regularity of the houses, contributed to this disappointment, since I +concluded that Paris must be infinitely superior. I had figured to +myself a splendid city, beautiful as large, of the most commanding +aspect, whose streets were ranges of magnificent palaces, composed of +marble and gold. On entering the faubourg St. Marceau, I saw nothing but +dirty stinking streets, filthy black houses, an air of slovenliness and +poverty, beggars, carters, butchers, cries of diet-drink and old hats. +This struck me so forcibly, that all I have since seen of real +magnificence in Paris could never erase this first impression, which has +ever given me a particular disgust to residing in that capital; and I may +say, the whole time I remained there afterwards, was employed in seeking +resources which might enable me to live at a distance from it. This is +the consequence of too lively imagination, which exaggerates even beyond +the voice of fame, and ever expects more than is told. I have heard +Paris so flatteringly described, that I pictured it like the ancient +Babylon, which, perhaps, had I seen, I might have found equally faulty, +and unlike that idea the account had conveyed. The same thing happened +at the Opera-house, to which I hastened the day after my arrival! I was +sensible of the same deficiency at Versailles! and some time after on +viewing the sea. I am convinced this would ever be the consequence of a +too flattering description of any object; for it is impossible for man, +and difficult even for nature herself, to surpass the riches of my +imagination. + +By the reception I met with from all those to whom my letters were +addressed, I thought my fortune was certainly made. The person who +received me the least kindly was M. de Surbeck, to whom I had the +warmest recommendation. He had retired from the service, and lived +philosophically at Bagneux, where I waited on him several times without +his offering me even a glass of water. I was better received by Madam de +Merveilleux, sister-in-law to the interpreter, and by his nephew, who was +an officer in the guards. The mother and son not only received me +kindly, but offered me the use of their table, which favor I frequently +accepted during my stay at Paris. + +Madam de Merveilleux appeared to have been handsome; her hair was of a +fine black, which, according to the old mode, she wore curled on the +temples. She still retained (what do not perish with a set of features) +the beauties of an amiable mind. She appeared satisfied with mine, and +did all she could to render me service; but no one seconded her +endeavors, and I was presently undeceived in the great interest they had +seemed to take in my affairs. I must, however, do the French nation the +justice to say, they do not so exhaust themselves with protestations, +as some have represented, and that those they make are usually sincere; +but they have a manner of appearing interested in your affairs, which is +more deceiving than words. The gross compliments of the Swiss can only +impose upon fools; the manners of the French are more seducing, and at +the same time so simple, that you are persuaded they do not express all +they mean to do for you, in order that you may be the more agreeably +surprised. I will say more; they are not false in their protestations, +being naturally zealous to oblige, humane, benevolent, and even (whatever +may be said to the contrary) more sincere than any other nation; but they +are too flighty: in effect they feel the sentiments they profess for you, +but that sentiment flies off as instantaneously as it was formed. In +speaking to you, their whole attention is employed on you alone, when +absent you are forgotten. Nothing is permanent in their hearts, all is +the work of the moment. + +Thus I was greatly flattered, but received little service. Colonel +Godard for whose nephew I was recommended, proved to be an avaricious old +wretch, who, on seeing my distress (though he was immensely rich), wished +to have my services for nothing, meaning to place me with his nephew, +rather as a valet without wages than a tutor. He represented that as I +was to be continually engaged with him, I should be excused from duty, +and might live on my cadet's allowance; that is to say, on the pay of a +soldier: hardly would he consent to give me a uniform, thinking the +clothing of the army might serve. Madam de Merveilleux, provoked at his +proposals, persuaded me not to accept them; her son was of the same +opinion; something else was to be thought on, but no situation was +procured. Meantime, I began to be necessitated; for the hundred livres +with which I had commenced my journey could not last much longer; +happily, I received a small remittance from the ambassador, which was +very serviceable, nor do I think he would have abandoned me had I +possessed more patience; but languishing, waiting, soliciting, are to me +impossible: I was disheartened, displeased, and thus all my brilliant +expectations came once more to nothing. I had not all this time +forgotten my dear Madam de Warrens, but how was I to find her? Where +should I seek her? Madam de Merveilleux, who knew my story, assisted me +in the search, but for a long time unavailingly; at length, she informed +me that Madam de Warrens had set out from Paris about two months before, +but it was not known whether for Savoy or Turin, and that some +conjectured she was gone to Switzerland. Nothing further was necessary +to fix my determination to follow her, certain that wherever she might +be, I stood more chance of finding her at those places than I could +possibly do at Paris. + +Before my departure, I exercised my new poetical talent in an epistle to +Colonel Godard, whom I ridiculed to the utmost of my abilities. I showed +this scribble to Madam de Merveilleux, who, instead of discouraging me, +as she ought to have done, laughed heartily at my sarcasms, as well as +her son, who, I believe, did not like M. Godard; indeed, it must be +confessed, he was a man not calculated to obtain affection. I was +tempted to send him my verses, and they encouraged me in it; accordingly +I made them up in a parcel directed to him, and there being no post then +at Paris by which I could conveniently send this, I put it in my pocket, +and sent it to him from Auxerre, as I passed through that place. I +laugh, even yet, sometimes, at the grimaces I fancy he made on reading +this panegyric, where he was certainly drawn to the life; it began thus: + + Tu croyois, vieux Penard, qu' une folle manie + D' elever ton neveu m'inspireroit l'envie. + +This little piece, which, it is true, was but indifferently written; did +not want for salt, and announced a turn for satire; it is, +notwithstanding, the only satirical writing that ever came from my pen. +I have too little hatred in my heart to take advantage of such a talent; +but I believe it may be judged from those controversies, in which from +time to time I have been engaged in my own defence, that had I been of a +vindictive disposition, my adversaries would rarely have had the laughter +on their side. + +What I most regret, is not having kept a journal of my travels, being +conscious that a number of interesting details have slipped my memory; +for never did I exist so completely, never live so thoroughly, never was +so much myself, if I dare use the expression, as in those journeys made +on foot. Walking animates and enlivens my spirits; I can hardly think +when in a state of inactivity; my body must be exercised to make my +judgmemt active. The view of a fine country, a succession of agreeable +prospects, a free air, a good appetite, and the health I gained by +walking; the freedom of inns, and the distance from everything that can +make me recollect the dependence of my situation, conspire to free my +soul, and give boldness to my thoughts, throwing me, in a manner, into +the immensity of beings, where I combine, choose and appropriate them to +my fancy, without constraint or fear. I dispose of all nature as I +please; my heart wandering from object to object, approximates and unites +with those that please it, is surrounded by charming images, and becomes +intoxicated with delicious sensations. If, attempting to render these +permanent, I am amused in describing to myself, what glow of coloring, +what energy of expression, do I give them!--It has been said, that all +these are to be found in my works, though written in the decline of life. +Oh! had those of my early youth been seen, those made during my travels, +composed, but never written!--Why did I not write them? will be asked; +and why should I have written them? I may answer. Why deprive myself of +the actual charm of my enjoyments to inform others what I enjoyed? What +to me were readers, the public, or all the world, while I was mounting +the empyrean. Besides, did I carry pens, paper and ink with me? Had I +recollected all these, not a thought would have occurred worth +preserving. I do not foresee when I shall have ideas; they come when +they please, and not when I call for them; either they avoid me +altogether, or rushing in crowds, overwhelm me with their force and +number. Ten volumes a day would not suffice barely to enumerate my +thoughts; how then should I find time to write them? In stopping, I +thought of nothing but a hearty dinner; on departing, of nothing but a +charming walk; I felt that a new paradise awaited me at the door, and +eagerly leaped forward to enjoy it. + +Never did I experience this so feelingly as in the perambulation I am now +describing. On coming to Paris, I had confined myself to ideas which +related to the situation I expected to occupy there. I had rushed into +the career I was about to run, and should have completed it with +tolerable eclat, but it was not that my heart adhered to. Some real +beings obscured my imagined ones--Colonel Godard and his nephew could not +keep pace with a hero of my disposition. Thank Heaven, I was soon +delivered from all these obstacles, and could enter at pleasure into the +wilderness of chimeras, for that alone remained before me, and I wandered +in it so completely that I several times lost my way; but this was no +misfortune, I would not have shortened it, for, feeling with regret, as I +approached Lyons, that I must again return to the material world, I +should have been glad never to have arrived there. + +One day, among others, having purposely gone out of my way to take a +nearer view of a spot that appeared delightful, I was so charmed with it, +and wandered round it so often, that at length I completely lost myself, +and after several hours' useless walking, weary, fainting with hunger and +thirst, I entered a peasant's hut, which had not indeed a very promising +appearance, but was the only one I could discover near me. I thought it +was here, as at Geneva, or in Switzerland, where the inhabitants, living +at ease, have it in their power to exercise hospitality. I entreated the +countryman to give me some dinner, offering to pay for it: on which he +presented me with some skimmed milk and coarse barley--bread, saying it +was all he had. I drank the milk with pleasure, and ate the bread, chaff +and all; but it was not very restorative to a man sinking with fatigue. +The countryman, who watched me narrowly, judged the truth of my story by +my appetite, and presently (after having said that he plainly saw I was +an honest, good--natured young man, and did not come to betray him) +opened a little trap door by the side of his kitchen, went down, and +returned a moment after with a good brown loaf of pure wheat, the remains +of a well-flavored ham, and a bottle of wine, the sight of which rejoiced +my heart more than all the rest: he then prepared a good thick omelet, +and I made such a dinner as none but a walking traveller ever enjoyed. + +When I again offered to pay, his inquietude and fears returned; he not +only would have no money, but refused it with the most evident emotion; +and what made this scene more amusing, I could not imagine the motive of +his fear. At length, he pronounced tremblingly those terrible words, +"Commissioners," and "Cellar-rats," which he explained by giving me to +understand that he concealed his wine because of the excise, and his +bread on account of the tax imposed on it; adding, he should be an undone +man, if it was suspected he was not almost perishing with want. What he +said to me on this subject (of which I had not the smallest idea) made an +impression on my mind that can never be effaced, sowing seeds of that +inextinguishable hatred which has since grow up in my heart against the +vexations these unhappy people suffer, and against their oppressors. +This man, though in easy circumstances, dare not eat the bread gained by +the sweat of his brow, and could only escape destruction by exhibiting an +outward appearance of misery!--I left his cottage with as much +indignation as concern, deploring the fate of those beautiful countries, +where nature has been prodigal of her gifts, only that they may become +the prey of barbarous exactors. + +The incident which I have just related, is the only one I have a distinct +remembrance of during this journey: I recollect, indeed, that on +approaching Lyons, I wished to prolong it by going to see the banks of +the Lignon; for among the romances I had read with my father, Astrea was +not forgotten and returned more frequently to my thoughts than any other. +Stopping for some refreshment (while chatting with my hostess), I +inquired the way to Forez, and was informed that country was an excellent +place for mechanics, as there were many forges, and much iron work done +there. This eulogium instantly calmed my romantic curiosity, for I felt +no inclination to seek Dianas and Sylvanders among a generation of +blacksmiths. The good woman who encouraged me with this piece of +information certainly thought I was a journeyman locksmith. + +I had some view in going to Lyons: on my arrival, I went to the +Chasattes, to see Mademoiselle du Chatelet, a friend of Madam de Warrens, +for whom I had brought a letter when I came there with M. le Maitre, +so that it was an acquaintance already formed. Mademoiselle du Chatelet +informed me her friend had passed through Lyons, but could not tell +whether she had gone on to Piedmont, being uncertain at her departure +whether it would not be necessary to stop in Savoy; but if I choose, +she would immediately write for information, and thought my best plan +would be to remain at Lyons till she received it. I accepted this offer; +but did not tell Mademoiselle du Chatelet how much I was pressed for an +answer, and that my exhausted purse would not permit me to wait long. +It was not an appearance of coolness that withheld me, on the contrary, +I was very kindly received, treated on the footing of equality, and this +took from me the resolution of explaining my circumstances, for I could +not bear to descend from a companion to a miserable beggar. + +I seem to have retained a very connecting remembrance of that part of my +life contained in this book; yet I think I remember, about the same +period, another journey to Lyons, (the particulars of which I cannot +recollect) where I found myself much straitened, and a confused +remembrance of the extremities to which I was reduced does not contribute +to recall the idea agreeably. Had I been like many others, had I +possessed the talent of borrowing and running in debt at every ale-house +I came to, I might have fared better; but in that my incapacity equalled +my repugnance, and to demonstrate the prevalence of both, it will be +sufficient to say, that though I have passed almost my whole life in +indifferent circumstances, and frequently have been near wanting bread, +I was never once asked for money by a creditor without having it in my +power to pay it instantly; I could never bear to contract clamorous +debts, and have ever preferred suffering to owing. + +Being reduced to pass my nights in the streets, may certainly be called +suffering, and this was several times the case at Lyons, having preferred +buying bread with the few pence I had remaining, to bestowing them on a +lodging; as I was convinced there was less danger of dying for want of +sleep than of hunger. What is astonishing, while in this unhappy +situation, I took no care for the future, was neither uneasy nor +melancholy, but patiently waited an answer to Mademoiselle du Chatelet's +letter, and lying in the open air, stretched on the earth, or on a bench, +slept as soundly as if reposing on a bed of roses. I remember, +particularly, to have passed a most delightful night at some distance +from the city, in a road which had the Rhone, or Soane, I cannot +recollect which, on the one side, and a range of raised gardens, with +terraces, on the other. It had been a very hot day, the evening was +delightful, the dew moistened the fading grass, no wind was stirring, +the air was fresh without chillness, the setting sun had tinged the +clouds with a beautiful crimson, which was again reflected by the water, +and the trees that bordered the terrace were filled with nightingales who +were continually answering each other's songs. I walked along in a kind +of ecstasy, giving up my heart and senses to the enjoyment of so many +delights, and sighing only from a regret of enjoying them alone. +Absorbed in this pleasing reverie, I lengthened my walk till it grew very +late, without perceiving I was tired; at length, however, I discovered +it, and threw myself on the step of a kind of niche, or false door, +in the terrace wall. How charming was the couch! the trees formed a +stately canopy, a nightingale sat directly over me, and with his soft +notes lulled me to rest: how pleasing my repose; my awaking more so. +It was broad day; on opening my eyes I saw the water, the verdure, and +the admirable landscape before me. I arose, shook off the remains of +drowsiness, and finding I was hungry, retook the way to the city, +resolving, with inexpressible gayety, to spend the two pieces of six +francs I had yet remaining in a good breakfast. I found myself so +cheerful that I went all the way singing; I even remember I sang a +cantata of Batistin's called the Baths of Thomery, which I knew by heart. +May a blessing light on the good Batistin and his good cantata, which +procured me a better breakfast than I had expected, and a still better +dinner which I did not expect at all! In the midst of my singing, +I heard some one behind me, and turning round perceived an Antonine, +who followed after and seemed to listen with pleasure to my song. +At length accosting me, he asked, If I understood music. I answered, +"A little," but in a manner to have it understood I knew a great deal, +and as he continued questioning of me, related a part of my story. +He asked me, If I had ever copied music? I replied, "Often," which was +true: I had learned most by copying. "Well," continued he, "come with +me, I can employ you for a few days, during which time you shall want for +nothing; provided you consent not to quit my room." I acquiesced very +willingly, and followed him. + +This Antonine was called M. Rotichon; he loved music, understood it, and +sang in some little concerts with his friends; thus far all was innocent +and right, but apparently this taste had become a furor, part of which he +was obliged to conceal. He conducted me into a chamber, where I found a +great quantity of music: he gave me some to copy, particularly the +cantata he had heard me singing, and which he was shortly to sing +himself. + +I remained here three or four days, copying all the time I did not eat, +for never in my life was I so hungry, or better fed. M. Rolichon brought +my provisions himself from the kitchen, and it appeared that these good +priests lived well, at least if every one fared as I did. In my life, I +never took such pleasure in eating, and it must be owned this good cheer +came very opportunely, for I was almost exhausted. I worked as heartily +as I ate, which is saying a great deal; 'tis true I was not as correct as +diligent, for some days after, meeting M. Rolichon in the street, he +informed me there were so many omissions, repetitions, and +transpositions, in the parts I had copied, that they could not be +performed. It must be owned, that in choosing the profession of music, +I hit on that I was least calculated for; yet my voice was good and I +copied neatly; but the fatigue of long works bewilders me so much, that +I spend more time in altering and scratching out than in pricking down, +and if I do not employ the strictest attention in comparing the several +parts, they are sure to fail in the execution. Thus, through endeavoring +to do well, my performance was very faulty; for aiming at expedition, +I did all amiss. This did not prevent M. Rolichon from treating me well +to the last, and giving me half-a-crown at my departure, which I +certainly did not deserve, and which completely set me up, for a few days +after I received news from Madam de Warrens, who was at Chambery, with +money to defray the expenses of my journey to her, which I performed with +rapture. Since then my finances have frequently been very low, but never +at such an ebb as to reduce me to fasting, and I mark this period with a +heart fully alive to the bounty of Providence, as the last of my life in +which I sustained poverty and hunger. + +I remained at Lyons seven or eight days to wait for some little +commissions with which Madam de Warrens had charged Mademoiselle du +Chatelet, who during this interval I visited more assiduously than +before, having the pleasure of talking with her of her friend, and being +no longer disturbed by the cruel remembrance of my situation, or painful +endeavors to conceal it. Mademoiselle du Chatelet was neither young nor +handsome, but did not want for elegance; she was easy and obliging while +her understanding gave price to her familiarity. She had a taste for +that kind of moral observation which leads to the knowledge of mankind, +and from her originated that study in myself. She was fond of the works +of Le Sage, particularly Gil Blas, which she lent me, and recommended to +my perusal. I read this performance with pleasure, but my judgment was +not yet ripe enough to relish that sort of reading. I liked romances +which abounded with high-flown sentiments. + +Thus did I pass my time at the grate of Mademoiselle du Chatelet, with as +much profit as pleasure. It is certain that the interesting and sensible +conversation of a deserving woman is more proper to form the +understanding of a young man than all the pedantic philosophy of books. +I got acquainted at the Chasattes with some other boarders and their +friends, and among the rest, with a young person of fourteen, called +Mademoiselle Serre, whom I did not much notice at that time, though I was +in love with her eight or nine years afterwards, and with great reason, +for she was a most charming girl. + +I was fully occupied with the idea of seeing Madam de Warrens, and this +gave some respite to my chimeras, for finding happiness in real objects +I was the less inclined to seek it in nonentities. I had not only found +her, but also by her means, and near her, an agreeable situation, having +sent me word that she had procured one that would suit me, and by which I +should not be obliged to quit her. I exhausted all my conjectures in +guessing what this occupation could be, but I must have possessed the art +of divination to have hit it on the right. I had money sufficient to +make my journey agreeable: Mademoiselle du Chatelet persuaded me to hire +a horse, but this I could not consent to, and I was certainly right, +for by so doing I should have lost the pleasure of the last pedestrian +expedition I ever made; for I cannot give that name to those excursions I +have frequently taken about my own neighborhood, while I lived at +Motiers. + +It is very singular that my imagination never rises so high as when my +situation is least agreeable or cheerful. When everything smiles around +me, I am least amused; my heart cannot confine itself to realities, +cannot embellish, but must create. Real objects strike me as they really +are, my imagination can only decorate ideal ones. If I would paint the +spring, it must be in winter; if describe a beautiful landscape, it must +be while surrounded with walls; and I have said a hundred times, that +were I confined in the Bastile, I could draw the most enchanting picture +of liberty. On my departure from Lyons, I saw nothing but an agreeable +future, the content I now with reason enjoyed was as great as my +discontent had been at leaving Paris, notwithstanding, I had not during +this journey any of those delightful reveries I then enjoyed. My mind +was serene, and that was all; I drew near the excellent friend I was +going to see, my heart overflowing with tenderness, enjoying in advance, +but without intoxication, the pleasure of living near her; I had always +expected this, and it was as if nothing new had happened. Meantime, +I was anxious about the employment Madam de Warrens had procured me, +as if that alone had been material. My ideas were calm and peaceable, +not ravishing and celestial; every object struck my sight in its natural +form; I observed the surrounding landscape, remarked the trees, the +houses, the springs, deliberated on the cross-roads, was fearful of +losing myself, yet did not do so; in a word, I was no longer in the +empyrean, but precisely where I found myself, or sometimes perhaps at +the end of my journey, never farther. + +I am in recounting my travels, as I was in making them, loath to arrive +at the conclusion. My heart beat with joy as I approached my dear Madam +de Warrens, but I went no faster on that account. I love to walk at my +ease, and stop at leisure; a strolling life is necessary to me: +travelling on foot, in a fine country, with fine weather and having an +agreeable object to terminate my journey, is the manner of living of all +others most suited to my taste. + +It is already understood what I mean by a fine country; never can a flat +one, though ever so beautiful, appear such in my eyes: I must have +torrents, fir trees, black woods, mountains to climb or descend, and +rugged roads with precipices on either side to alarm me. I experienced +this pleasure in its utmost extent as I approached Chambery, not far from +a mountain which is called Pas de l'Echelle. Above the main road, which +is hewn through the rock, a small river runs and rushes into fearful +chasms, which it appears to have been millions of ages in forming. The +road has been hedged by a parapet to prevent accidents, which enabled me +to contemplate the whole descent, and gain vertigoes at pleasure; for a +great part of my amusement in these steep rocks, is, they cause a +giddiness and swimming in my head, which I am particularly fond of, +provided I am in safety; leaning, therefore, over the parapet, I remained +whole hours, catching, from time to time, a glance of the froth and blue +water, whose rushing caught my ear, mingled with the cries of ravens, and +other birds of prep that flew from rock to rock, and bush to bush, at six +hundred feet below me. In places where the slope was tolerably regular, +and clear enough from bushes to let stones roll freely, I went a +considerable way to gather them, bringing those I could but just carry, +which I piled on the parapet, and then threw down one after the other, +being transported at seeing them roll, rebound, and fly into a thousand +pieces, before they reached the bottom of the precipice. + +Near Chambery I enjoyed an equal pleasing spectacle, though of a +different kind; the road passing near the foot of the most charming +cascade I ever saw. The water, which is very rapid, shoots from the top +of an excessively steep mountain, falling at such a distance from its +base that you may walk between the cascade and the rock without any +inconvenience; but if not particularly careful it is easy to be deceived +as I was, for the water, falling from such an immense height, separates, +and descends in a rain as fine as dust, and on approaching too near this +cloud, without perceiving it, you may be wet through in an instant. + +At length I arrived at Madam de Warrens; she was not alone, the +intendant-general was with her. Without speaking a word to me, she +caught my hand, and presenting me to him with that natural grace which +charmed all hearts, said: "This, sir, is the poor young man I mentioned; +deign to protect him as long as he deserves it, and I shall feel no +concern for the remainder of his life." Then added, addressing herself +to me, "Child, you now belong to the king, thank Monsieur the Intendant, +who furnishes you with the means of existence." I stared without +answering, without knowing what to think of all this; rising ambition +almost turned my head; I was already prepared to act the intendant +myself. My fortune, however, was not so brilliant as I had imagined, but +it was sufficient to maintain me, which, as I was situated, was a capital +acquisition. I shall now explain the nature of my employment. + +King Victor Amadeus, judging by the event of preceding wars, and the +situation of the ancient patrimony of his fathers, that he should not +long be able to maintain it, wished to drain it beforehand. Resolving, +therefore, to tax the nobility, he ordered a general survey of the whole +country, in order that it might be rendered more equal and productive. +This scheme, which was begun under the father, was completed by the son: +two or three hundred men, part surveyors, who were called geometricians, +and part writers, who were called secretaries, were employed in this +work: among those of the latter description Madam de Warrens had got me +appointed. This post, without being very lucrative, furnished the means +of living eligibly in that country; the misfortune was, this employment +could not be of any great duration, but it put me in train to procure +something better, as by this means she hoped to insure the particular +protection of the intendant, who might find me some more settled +occupation before this was concluded. + +I entered on my new employment a few days after my arrival, and as there +was no great difficulty in the business, soon understood it; thus, after +four or five years of unsettled life, folly, and suffering, since my +departure from Geneva, I began, for the first time, to gain my bread with +credit. + +These long details of my early youth must have appeared trifling, and I +am sorry for it: though born a man, in a variety of instances, I was long +a child, and am so yet in many particulars. I did not promise the public +a great personage: I promised to describe myself as I am, and to know me +in my advanced age it was necessary to have known me in my youth. As, +in general, objects that are present make less impression on me than the +bare remembrance of them (my ideas being all from recollection), the +first traits which were engraven on my mind have distinctly remained: +those which have since been imprinted there, have rather combined with +the former than effaced them. There is a certain, yet varied succession +of affections and ideas, which continue to regulate those that follow +them, and this progression must be known in order to judge rightly of +those they have influenced. I have studied to develop the first causes, +the better to show the concatenation of effects. I would be able by some +means to render my soul transparent to the eyes of the reader, and for +this purpose endeavor to show it in every possible point of view, to give +him every insight, and act in such a manner, that not a motion should +escape him, as by this means he may form a judgment of the principles +that produce them. + +Did I take upon myself to decide, and say to the reader, "Such is my +character," he might think that if I did not endeavor to deceive him, +I at least deceived myself; but in, recounting simply all that has +happened to me, all my actions, thoughts, and feelings, I cannot lead him +into an error, unless I do it wilfully, which by this means I could not +easily effect, since it is his province to compare the elements, and +judge of the being they compose: thus the result must be his work, and if +he is then deceived the error will be his own. It is not sufficient for +this purpose that my recitals should be merely faithful, they must also +be minute; it is not for me to judge of the importance of facts, I ought +to declare them simply as they are, and leave the estimate that is to be +formed of them to him. I have adhered to this principle hitherto, with +the most scrupulous exactitude, and shall not depart from it in the +continuation; but the impressions of age are less lively than those of +youth; I began by delineating the latter: should I recollect the rest +with the same precision, the reader, may, perhaps, become weary and +impatient, but I shall not be dissatisfied with my labor. I have but one +thing to apprehend in this undertaking: I do not dread saying too much, +or advancing falsities, but I am fearful of not saying enough, or +concealing truths. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Have ever preferred suffering to owing +I was long a child, and am so yet in many particulars + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v4 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK V. + + +It was, I believe, in 1732, that I arrived at Chambery, as already +related, and began my employment of registering land for the king. I was +almost twenty-one, my mind well enough formed for my age, with respect to +sense, but very deficient in point of judgment, and needing every +instruction from those into whose hands I fell, to make me conduct myself +with propriety; for a few years' experience had not been able to cure me +radically of my romantic ideas; and notwithstanding the ills I had +sustained, I knew as little of the world, or mankind, as if I had never +purchased instruction. I slept at home, that is, at the house of Madam +de Warrens; but it was not as at Annecy: here were no gardens, no brook, +no landscape; the house was dark and dismal, and my apartment the most +gloomy of the whole. The prospect a dead wall, an alley instead of a +street, confined air, bad light, small rooms, iron bars, rats, and a +rotten floor; an assemblage of circumstances that do not constitute a +very agreeable habitation; but I was in the same house with my best +friend, incessantly near her, at my desk, or in chamber, so that I could +not perceive the gloominess of my own, or have time to think of it. +It may appear whimsical that she should reside at Chambery on purpose to +live in this disagreeable house; but it was a trait of contrivance which +I ought not to pass over in silence. She had no great inclination for a +journey to Turin, fearing that after the recent revolutions, and the +agitation in which the court yet was, she should not be very favorably +received there; but her affairs seemed to demand her presence, as she +feared being forgotten or ill-treated, particularly as the Count de +Saint-Laurent, Intendent-general of the Finances, was not in her +interest. He had an old house in Chambery, ill-built, and standing in so +disagreeable a situation that it was always untenanted; she hired, and +settled in this house, a plan that succeeded much better than a journey +to Turin would have done, for her pension was not suppressed, and the +Count de Saint-Laurent was ever after one of her best friends. + +Her household was much on the old footing; her faithful Claude Anet still +remained with her. He was, as I have before mentioned, a peasant of +Moutru, who in his childhood had gathered herbs in Jura for the purpose +of making Swiss tea; she had taken him into her service for his knowledge +of drugs, finding it convenient to have a herbalist among her domestics. +Passionately fond of the study of plants, he became a real botanist, and +had he not died young, might have acquired as much fame in that science +as he deserved for being an honest man. Serious even to gravity, and +older than myself, he was to me a kind of tutor, commanding respect, and +preserving me from a number of follies, for I dared not forget myself +before him. He commanded it likewise from his mistress, who knew his +understanding, uprightness, and inviolable attachment to herself, and +returned it. Claude Anet was of an uncommon temper. I never encountered +a similar disposition: he was slow, deliberate, and circumspect in his +conduct; cold in his manner; laconic and sententious in his discourse; +yet of an impetuosity in his passions, which (though careful to conceal) +preyed upon him inwardly, and urged him to the only folly he ever +committed; that folly, indeed was terrible, it was poisoning himself. +This tragic scene passed soon after my arrival, and opened my eyes to the +intimacy that subsisted between Claude Anet and his mistress, for had not +the information come from her, I should never have suspected it; yet, +surely, if attachment, fidelity, and zeal, could merit such a recompense, +it was due to him, and what further proves him worthy such a distinction, +he never once abused her confidence. They seldom disputed, and their +disagreements ever ended amicably; one, indeed, was not so fortunate; +his mistress, in a passion, said something affronting, which not being +able to digest, he consulted only with despair, and finding a bottle of +laudanum at hand, drank it off; then went peaceably to bed, expecting to +awake no more. Madam de Warrens herself was uneasy, agitated, wandering +about the house and happily--finding the phial empty--guessed the rest. +Her screams, while flying to his assistance, alarmed me; she confessed +all, implored my help, and was fortunate enough, after repeated efforts, +to make him throw up the laudanum. Witness of this scene, I could not +but wonder at my stupidity in never having suspected the connection; but +Claude Anet was so discreet, that a more penetrating observer might have +been deceived. Their reconciliation affected me, and added respect to +the esteem I before felt for him. From this time I became, in some +measure, his pupil, nor did I find myself the worse for his instruction. + +I could not learn, without pain, that she lived in greater intimacy with +another than with myself: it was a situation I had not even thought of, +but (which was very natural) it hurt me to see another in possession of +it. Nevertheless, instead of feeling any aversion to the person who had +this advantage over me, I found the attachment I felt for her actually +extend to him. I desired her happiness above all things, and since he +was concerned in her plan of felicity, I was content he should be happy +likewise. Meantime he perfectly entered into the views of his mistress; +conceived a sincere friendship for me, and without affecting the +authority his situation might have entitled him to, he naturally +possessed that which his superior judgment gave him over mine. I dared +do nothing he disproved of, but he was sure to disapprove only what +merited disapprobation: thus we lived in an union which rendered us +mutually happy, and which death alone could dissolve. + +One proof of the excellence of this amiable woman's character, is, that +all those who loved her, loved each other; even jealousy and rivalship +submitting to the more powerful sentiment with which she inspired them, +and I never saw any of those who surrounded her entertain the least ill +will among themselves. Let the reader pause a moment on this encomium, +and if he can recollect any other woman who deserves it, let him attach +himself to her, if he would obtain happiness. + +From my arrival at Chambery to my departure for Paris, 1741, included an +interval of eight or nine years, during which time I have few adventures +to relate; my life being as simple as it was agreeable. This uniformity +was precisely what was most wanting to complete the formation of my +character, which continual troubles had prevented from acquiring any +degree of stability. It was during this pleasing interval, that my +unconnected, unfinished education, gained consistence, and made me what I +have unalterably remained amid the storms with which I have since been +surrounded. + +The progress was slow, almost imperceptible, and attended by few +memorable circumstances; yet it deserves to be followed and investigated. + +At first, I was wholly occupied with my business, the constraint of a +desk left little opportunity for other thoughts, the small portion of +time I was at liberty was passed with my dear Madam de Warrens, and not +having leisure to read, I felt no inclination for it; but when my +business (by daily repetition) became familiar, and my mind was less +occupied, study again became necessary, and (as my desires were ever +irritated by any difficulty that opposed the indulgence of them) might +once more have become a passion, as at my master's, had not other +inclinations interposed and diverted it. + +Though our occupation did not demand a very profound skill in arithmetic, +it sometimes required enough to puzzle me. To conquer this difficulty, +I purchased books which treated on that science, and learned well, for I +now studied alone. Practical arithmetic extends further than is usually +supposed if you would attain exact precision. There are operations of +extreme length in which I have sometimes seen good geometricians lose +themselves. Reflection, assisted by practice, gives clear ideas, and +enables you to devise shorter methods, these inventions flatter our self- +complacency, while their exactitude satisfies our understanding, and +renders a study pleasant, which is, of itself, heavy and unentertaining. +At length I became so expert as not to be puzzled by any question that +was solvable by arithmetical calculation; and even now, while everything +I formerly knew fades daily on my memory, this acquirement, in a great +measure remains, through an interval of thirty years. A few days ago, +in a journey I made to Davenport, being with my host at an arithmetical +lesson given his children, I did (with pleasure, and without errors) a +most complicated work. While setting down my figures, methought I was +still at Chambery, still in my days of happiness--how far had I to look +back for them! + +The colored plans of our geometricians had given me a taste for drawing: +accordingly I bought colors, and began by attempting flowers and +landscapes. It was unfortunate that I had not talents for this art, +for my inclination was much disposed to it, and while surrounded with +crayons, pencils, and colors, I could have passed whole months without +wishing to leave them. This amusement engaged me so much that they were +obliged to force me from it; and thus it is with every inclination I give +into, it continues to augment, till at length it becomes so powerful, +that I lose sight of everything except the favorite amusement. Years +have not been able to cure me of that fault, nay, have not even +diminished it; for while I am writing this, behold me, like an old +dotard, infatuated with another, to me useless study, which I do not +understand, and which even those who have devoted their youthful days to +the acquisition of, are constrained to abandon, at the age I am beginning +with it. + +At that time, the study I am now speaking of would have been well placed, +the opportunity was good, and I had some temptation to profit by it; for +the satisfaction I saw in the eyes of Anet, when he came home loaded with +new discovered plants, set me two or three times on the point of going to +herbalize with him, and I am almost certain that had I gone once, +I should have been caught, and perhaps at this day might have been an +excellent botanist, for I know no study more congenial to my natural +inclination, than that of plants; the life I have led for these ten years +past, in the country, being little more than a continual herbalizing, +though I must confess, without object, and without improvement; but at +the time I am now speaking of I had no inclination for botany, nay, +I even despised, and was disgusted at the idea, considering it only as a +fit study for an apothecary. Madam de Warrens was fond of it merely for +this purpose, seeking none but common plants to use in her medical +preparations; thus botany, chemistry, and anatomy were confounded in my +idea under the general denomination of medicine, and served to furnish me +with pleasant sarcasms the whole day, which procured me, from time to +time, a box on the ear, applied by Madam de Warrens. Besides this, a +very contrary taste grew up with me, and by degrees absorbed all others; +this was music. I was certainly born for that science, I loved it from +my infancy, and it was the only inclination I have constantly adhered to; +but it is astonishing that what nature seemed to have designed me for +should have cost so much pains to learn, and that I should acquire it so +slowly, that after a whole life spent in the practice of this art, +I could never attain to sing with any certainty at sight. What rendered +the study of music more agreeable to me at that time, was, being able to +practise it with Madam de Warrens. In other respects our tastes were +widely different: this was a point of coincidence, which I loved to avail +myself of. She had no more objection to this than myself. I knew at +that time almost as much of it as she did, and after two or three +efforts, we could make shift to decipher an air. Sometimes, when I saw +her busy at her furnace, I have said, "Here now is a charming duet, which +seems made for the very purpose of spoiling your drugs;" her answer would +be, "If you make me burn them, I'll make you eat them:" thus disputing, I +drew her to the harpsichord; the furnace was presently forgotten, the +extract of juniper or wormwood calcined (which I cannot recollect without +transport), and these scenes usually ended by her smearing my face with +the remains of them. + +It may easily be conjectured that I had plenty of employment to fill up +my leisure hours; one amusement, however, found room, that was well worth +all the rest. + +We lived in such a confined dungeon, that it was necessary sometimes to +breathe the open air; Anet, therefore, engaged Madam de Warrens to hire a +garden in the suburbs, both for this purpose and the convenience of +rearing plants, etc.; to this garden was added a summer--house, which was +furnished in the customary manner; we sometimes dined, and I frequently +slept, there. Insensibly I became attached to this little retreat, +decorated it with books and prints, spending part of my time in +ornamenting it during the absence of Madam de Warrens, that I might +surprise her the more agreeably on her return. Sometimes I quitted this +dear friend, that I might enjoy the uninterrupted pleasure of thinking on +her; this was a caprice I can neither excuse nor fully explain, I only +know this really was the case, and therefore I avow it. I remember Madam +de Luxembourg told me one day in raillery, of a man who used to leave his +mistress that he might enjoy the satisfaction of writing to her; I +answered, I could have been this man; I might have added, That I had done +the very same. + +I did not, however, find it necessary to leave Madam de Warrens that I +might love her the more ardently, for I was ever as perfectly free with +her as when alone; an advantage I never enjoyed with any other person, +man or woman, however I might be attached to them; but she was so often +surrounded by company who were far from pleasing me, that spite and +weariness drove me to this asylum, where I could indulge the idea, +without danger of being interrupted by impertinence. Thus, my time being +divided between business, pleasure, and instruction, my life passed in +the most absolute serenity. Europe was not equally tranquil: France and +the emperor had mutually declared war, the King of Sardinia had entered +into the quarrel, and a French army had filed off into Piedmont to awe +the Milanese. Our division passed through Chambery, and, among others, +the regiment of Champaigne, whose colonel was the Duke de la Trimouille, +to whom I was presented. He promised many things, but doubtless never +more thought of me. Our little garden was exactly at the end of the +suburb by which the troops entered, so that I could fully satisfy my +curiosity in seeing them pass, and I became as anxious for the success of +the war as if it had nearly concerned me. Till now I had never troubled +myself about politics, for the first time I began reading the gazettes, +but with so much partiality on the side of France, that my heart beat +with rapture on its most trifling advantages, and I was as much afflicted +on a reverse of fortune, as if I had been particularly concerned. + +Had this folly been transient, I should not, perhaps, have mentioned it, +but it took such root in my heart (without any reasonable cause) that +when I afterwards acted the anti-despot and proud republican at Paris, in +spite of myself, I felt a secret predilection for the nation I declared +servile, and for that government I affected to oppose. The pleasantest +of all was that, ashamed of an inclination so contrary to my professed +maxims, I dared not own it to any one, but rallied the French on their +defeats, while my heart was more wounded than their own. I am certainly +the first man, that, living with a people who treated him well, and whom +he almost adored, put on, even in their own country, a borrowed air of +despising them; yet my original inclination is so powerful, constant, +disinterested, and invincible, that even since my quitting that kingdom, +since its government, magistrates, and authors, have outvied each other +in rancor against me, since it has become fashionable to load me with +injustice and abuse, I have not been able to get rid of this folly, but +notwithstanding their ill-treatment, love them in spite of myself. + +I long sought the cause of this partiality, but was never able to find +any, except in the occasion that gave it birth. A rising taste for +literature attached me to French books, to their authors, and their +country: at the very moment the French troops were passing Chambery, I +was reading Brantome's 'Celebrated Captains'; my head was full of the +Clissons, Bayards, Lautrecs Colignys, Monlmoreneys, and Trimouille, and I +loved their descendants as the heirs of their merit and courage. In each +regiment that passed by methought I saw those famous black bands who had +formerly done so many noble exploits in Piedmont; in fine, I applied to +these all the ideas I had gathered from books; my reading continued, +which, still drawn from the same nation, nourished my affection for that +country, till, at length, it became a blind passion, which nothing could +overcome. I have had occasion to remark several times in the course of +my travels, that this impression was not peculiar to me for France, but +was more or less active in every country, for that part of the nation who +were fond of literature, and cultivated learning; and it was this +consideration that balanced in my mind the general hatred which the +conceited air of the French is so apt to inspire. Their romances, more +than their men, attract the women of all countries, and the celebrated +dramatic pieces of France create a fondness in youth for their theaters; +the reputation which that of Paris in particular has acquired, draws to +it crowds of strangers, who return enthusiasts to their own country: in +short, the excellence of their literature captivates the senses, and in +the unfortunate war just ended, I have seen their authors and +philosophers maintain the glory of France, so tarnished by its warriors. + +I was, therefore, an ardent Frenchman; this rendered me a politician, and +I attended in the public square, amid a throng of news-mongers, the +arrival of the post, and, sillier than the ass in the fable, was very +uneasy to know whose packsaddle I should next have the honor to carry, +for it was then supposed we should belong to France, and that Savoy would +be exchanged for Milan. I must confess, however, that I experienced some +uneasiness, for had this war terminated unfortunately for the allies, the +pension of Madam de Warrens would have been in a dangerous situation; +nevertheless, I had great confidence in my good friends, the French, and +for once (in spite of the surprise of M. de Broglio) my confidence was +not ill-founded--thanks to the King of Sardinia, whom I had never thought +of. + +While we were fighting in Italy, they were singing in France: the operas +of Rameau began to make a noise there, and once more raise the credit of +his theoretic works, which, from their obscurity, were within the compass +of very few understandings. By chance I heard of his 'Treatise on +Harmony', and had no rest till I purchased it. By another chance I fell +sick; my illness was inflammatory, short and violent, but my +convalescence was tedious, for I was unable to go abroad for a whole +month. During this time I eagerly ran over my Treatise on Harmony, but +it was so long, so diffuse, and so badly disposed, that I found it would +require a considerable time to unravel it: accordingly I suspended my +inclination, and recreated my sight with music. + +The cantatas of Bernier were what I principally exercised myself with. +These were never out of my mind; I learned four or five by heart, and +among the rest, 'The Sleeping Cupids', which I have never seen since that +time, though I still retain it almost entirely; as well as 'Cupid Stung +by a Bee', a very pretty cantata by Clerambault, which I learned about +the same time. + +To complete me, there arrived a young organist from Valdoste, called the +Abbe Palais, a good musician and an agreeable companion, who performed +very well on the harpsichord; I got acquainted with him, and we soon +became inseparable. He had been brought up by an Italian monk, who was a +capital organist. He explained to me his principles of music, which I +compared with Rameau; my head was filled with accompaniments, concords +and harmony, but as it was necessary to accustom the ear to all this, I +proposed to Madam de Warrens having a little concert once a month, to +which she consented. + +Behold me then so full of this concert, that night or day I could think +of nothing else, and it actually employed a great part of my time to +select the music, assemble the musicians, look to the instruments, and +write out the several parts. Madam de Warrens sang; Father Cato (whom I +have before mentioned, and shall have occasion to speak of again) sang +likewise; a dancing--master named Roche, and his son, played on the +violin; Canavas, a Piedmontese musician (who was employed like myself in +the survey, and has since married at Paris), played on the violoncello; +the Abbe Palais performed on the harpsichord, and I had the honor to +conduct the whole. It may be supposed all this was charming; I cannot +say it equalled my concert at Monsieur de Tretoren's, but certainly it +was not far behind it. + +This little concert, given by Madam de Warrens, the new convert, who +lived (it was expressed) on the king's charity, made the whole tribe of +devotees murmur, but was a very agreeable amusement to several worthy +people, at the head of whom it would not be easily surmised that I should +place a monk; yet, though a monk, a man of considerable merit, and even +of a very amiable disposition, whose subsequent misfortunes gave me the +most lively concern, and whose idea, attached to that of my happy days, +is yet dear to my memory. I speak of Father Cato, a Cordelier, who, in +conjunction with the Count d'Ortan, had caused the music of poor Le +Maitre to be seized at Lyons; which action was far from being the +brightest trait in his history. He was a Bachelor of Sorbonne, had lived +long in Paris among the great world, and was particularly caressed by the +Marquis d'Antremont, then Ambassador from Sardinia. He was tall and well +made; full faced, with very fine eyes, and black hair, which formed +natural curls on each side of his forehead. His manner was at once +noble, open, and modest; he presented himself with ease and good manners, +having neither the hypocritical nor impudent behavior of a monk, or the +forward assurance of a fashionable coxcomb, but the manners of a well- +bred man, who, without blushing for his habit, set a value on himself, +and ever felt in his proper situation when in good company. Though +Father Cato was not deeply studied for a doctor, he was much so for a man +of the world, and not being compelled to show his talents, he brought +them forward so advantageously that they appeared greater than they +really were. Having lived much in the world, he had rather attached +himself to agreeable acquirements than to solid learning; had sense, made +verses, spoke well, sang better, and aided his good voice by playing on +the organ and harpsichord. So many pleasing qualities were not necessary +to make his company sought after, and, accordingly, it was very much so, +but this did not make him neglect the duties of his function: he was +chosen (in spite of his jealous competitors) Definitor of his Province, +or, according to them, one of the greatest pillars of their order. + +Father Cato became acquainted with Madam de Warrens at the Marquis of +Antremont's; he had heard of her concerts, wished to assist at them, and +by his company rendered our meetings truly agreeable. We were soon +attached to each other by our mutual taste for music, which in both was a +most lively passion, with this difference, that he was really a musician, +and myself a bungler. Sometimes assisted by Canavas and the Abbe Palais, +we had music in his apartment; or on holidays at his organ, and +frequently dined with him; for, what was very astonishing in a monk, +he was generous, profuse, and loved good cheer, without the least +tincture of greediness. After our concerts, he always used to stay to +supper, and these evenings passed with the greatest gayety and good- +humor; we conversed with the utmost freedom, and sang duets; I was +perfectly at my ease, had sallies of wit and merriment; Father Cato was +charming, Madam de Warrens adorable, and the Abbe Palais, with his rough +voice, was the butt of the company. Pleasing moments of sportive youth, +how long since have ye fled! + +As I shall have no more occasion to speak of poor Father Cato, I will +here conclude in a few words his melancholy history. His brother monks, +jealous, or rather exasperated to discover in him a merit and elegance of +manners which favored nothing of monastic stupidity, conceived the most +violent hatred to him, because he was not as despicable as themselves; +the chiefs, therefore, combined against this worthy man, and set on the +envious rabble of monks, who otherwise would not have dared to hazard the +attack. He received a thousand indignities; they degraded him from his +office, took away the apartment which he had furnished with elegant +simplicity, and, at length, banished him, I know not whither: in short, +these wretches overwhelmed him with so many evils, that his honest and +proud soul sank under the pressure, and, after having been the delight of +the most amiable societies, he died of grief, on a wretched bed, hid in +some cell or dungeon, lamented by all worthy people of his acquaintance, +who could find no fault in him, except his being a monk. + +Accustomed to this manner of life for some time, I became so entirely +attached to music that I could think of nothing else. I went to my +business with disgust, the necessary confinement and assiduity appeared +an insupportable punishment, which I at length wished to relinquish, that +I might give myself up without reserve to my favorite amusement. It will +be readily believed that this folly met with some opposition; to give up +a creditable employment and fixed salary to run after uncertain scholars +was too giddy a plan to be approved of by Madam de Warrens, and even +supposing my future success should prove as great as I flattered myself, +it was fixing very humble limits to my ambition to think of reducing +myself for life to the condition of a music-master. She, who formed for +me the brightest projects, and no longer trusted implicitly to the +judgment of M. d'Aubonne, seeing with concern that I was so seriously +occupied with a talent which she thought frivolous, frequently repeated +to me that provincial proverb, which does not hold quite so good in +Paris, + + "Qui biens chante et biens dance, + fait un metier qui peu avance." + + [He who can sweetly sing and featly dance. + His interests right little shall advance.] + +On the other hand, she saw me hurried away by this irresistible passion, +my taste for music having become a furor, and it was much to be feared +that my employment, suffering by my distraction, might draw on me a +discharge, which would be worse than a voluntary resignation. +I represented to her; that this employment could not last long, that it +was necessary I should have some permanent means of subsistence, and that +it would be much better to complete by practice the acquisition of that +art to which my inclination led me than to make fresh essays, which +possibly might not succeed, since by this means, having passed the age +most proper for improvement, I might be left without a single resource +for gaining a livelihood: in short, I extorted her consent more by +importunity and caresses than by any satisfactory reasons. Proud of my +success, I immediately ran to thank M. Coccelli, Director-General of the +Survey, as though I had performed the most heroic action, and quitted my +employment without cause, reason, or pretext, with as much pleasure as I +had accepted it two years before. + +This step, ridiculous as it may appear, procured me a kind of +consideration, which I found extremely useful. Some supposed I had +resources which I did not possess; others, seeing me totally given up to +music, judged of my abilities by the sacrifice I had made, and concluded +that with such a passion for the art, I must possess it in a superior +degree. In a nation of blind men, those with one eye are kings. I +passed here for an excellent master, because all the rest were very bad +ones. Possessing taste in singing, and being favored by my age and +figure, I soon procured more scholars than were sufficient to compensate +for the losses of my secretary's pay. It is certain, that had it been +reasonable to consider the pleasure of my situation only, it was +impossible to pass more speedily from one extreme to the other. At our +measuring, I was confined eight hours in the day to the most +unentertaining employment, with yet more disagreeable company. Shut up +in a melancholy counting-house, empoisoned by the smell and respiration +of a number of clowns, the major part of whom were ill-combed and very +dirty, what with attention, bad air, constraint and weariness, I was +sometimes so far overcome as to occasion a vertigo. Instead of this, +behold me admitted into the fashionable world, sought after in the first +houses, and everywhere received with an air of satisfaction; amiable and +gay young ladies awaiting my arrival, and welcoming me with pleasure; +I see nothing but charming objects, smell nothing but roses and orange +flowers; singing, chatting, laughter, and amusements, perpetually succeed +each other. It must be allowed, that reckoning all these advantages, no +hesitation was necessary in the choice; in fact, I was so content with +mine, that I never once repented it; nor do I even now, when, free from +the irrational motives that influenced me at that time, I weigh in the +scale of reason every action of my life. + +This is, perhaps, the only time that, listening to inclination, I was not +deceived in my expectations. The easy access, obliging temper, and free +humor of this country, rendered a commerce with the world agreeable, +and the inclination I then felt for it, proves to me, that if I have a +dislike for society, it is more their fault than mine. It is a pity the +Savoyards are not rich: though, perhaps, it would be a still greater pity +if they were so, for altogether they are the best, the most sociable +people that I know, and if there is a little city in the world where the +pleasures of life are experienced in an agreeable and friendly commerce, +it is at Chambery. The gentry of the province who assemble there have +only sufficient wealth to live and not enough to spoil them; they cannot +give way to ambition, but follow, through necessity, the counsel of +Cyneas, devoting their youth to a military employment, and returning home +to grow old in peace; an arrangement over which honor and reason equally +preside. The women are handsome, yet do not stand in need of beauty, +since they possess all those qualifications which enhance its value and +even supply the want of it. It is remarkable, that being obliged by my +profession to see a number of young girls, I do not recollect one at +Chambery but what was charming: it will be said I was disposed to find +them so, and perhaps there maybe some truth in the surmise. I cannot +remember my young scholars without pleasure. Why, in naming the most +amiable, cannot I recall them and myself also to that happy age in which +our moments, pleasing as innocent, were passed with such happiness +together? The first was Mademoiselle de Mallarede, my neighbor, and +sister to a pupil of Monsieur Gaime. She was a fine clear brunette, +lively and graceful, without giddiness; thin as girls of that age usually +are; but her bright eyes, fine shape, and easy air, rendered her +sufficiently pleasing with that degree of plumpness which would have +given a heightening to her charms. I went there of mornings, when she +was usually in her dishabille, her hair carelessly turned up, and, on my +arrival, ornamented with a flower, which was taken off at my departure +for her hair to be dressed. There is nothing I fear so much as a pretty +woman in an elegant dishabille; I should dread them a hundred times less +in full dress. Mademoiselle de Menthon, whom I attended in the +afternoon, was ever so. She made an equally pleasing, but quite +different impression on me. Her hair was flaxen, her person delicate, +she was very timid and extremely fair, had a clear voice, capable of just +modulation, but which she had not courage to employ to its full extent. +She had the mark of a scald on her bosom, which a scanty piece of blue +chenille did not entirely cover, this scar sometimes drew my attention, +though not absolutely on its own account. Mademoiselle des Challes, +another of my neighbors, was a woman grown, tall, well-formed, jolly, +very pleasing though not a beauty, and might be quoted for her +gracefulness, equal temper, and good humor. Her sister, Madam de Charly, +the handsomest woman of Chambery, did not learn music, but I taught her +daughter, who was yet young, but whose growing beauty promised to equal +her mother's, if she had not unfortunately been a little red-haired. +I had likewise among my scholars a little French lady, whose name I have +forgotten, but who merits a place in my list of preferences. She had +adopted the slow drawling tone of the nuns, in which voice she would +utter some very keen things, which did not in the least appear to +correspond with her manner; but she was indolent, and could not generally +take pains to show her wit, that being a favor she did not grant to every +one. After a month or two of negligent attendance, this was an expedient +she devised to make me more assiduous, for I could not easily persuade +myself to be so. When with my scholars, I was fond enough of teaching, +but could not bear the idea of being obliged to attend at a particular +hour; constraint and subjection in every shape are to me insupportable, +and alone sufficient to make me hate even pleasure itself. + +I had some scholars likewise among the tradespeople, and, among others, +one who was the indirect cause of a change of relationship, which (as I +have promised to declare all) I must relate in its place. She was the +daughter of a grocer, and was called Mademoiselle de Larnage, a perfect +model for a Grecian statue, and whom I should quote for the handsomest +girl I have ever seen, if true beauty could exist without life or soul. +Her indolence, reserve, and insensibility were inconceivable; it was +equally impossible to please or make her angry, and I am convinced that +had any one formed a design upon her virtue, he might have succeeded, not +through her inclination, but from her stupidity. Her mother, who would +run no risk of this, did not leave her a single moment. In having her +taught to sing and providing a young master, she had hoped to enliven +her, but it all proved ineffectual. While the master was admiring the +daughter, the mother was admiring the master, but this was equally lost +labor. Madam de Larnage added to her natural vivacity that portion of +sprightliness which should have belonged to the daughter. She was a +little, ugly, lively trollop, with small twinkling ferret eyes, and +marked with smallpox. On my arrival in the morning, I always found my +coffee and cream ready, and the mother never failed to welcome me with a +kiss on the lips, which I would willingly have returned the daughter, to +see how she would have received it. All this was done with such an air +of carelessness and simplicity, that even when M. de Larnage was present; +her kisses and caresses were not omitted. He was a good quiet fellow, +the true original of his daughter; nor did his wife endeavor to deceive +him, because there was absolutely no occasion for it. + +I received all these caresses with my usual stupidity, taking them only +for marks of pure friendship, though they were sometimes troublesome; for +the lively Madam Lard was displeased, if, during the day, I passed the +shop without calling; it became necessary, therefore (when I had no time +to spare), to go out of my way through another street, well knowing it +was not so easy to quit her house as to enter it. + +Madam Lard thought so much of me, that I could not avoid thinking +something of her. Her attentions affected me greatly; and I spoke of +them to Madam de Warrens, without supposing any mystery in the matter, +but had there been one I should equally have divulged it, for to have +kept a secret of any kind from her would have been impossible. My heart +lay as open to Madam de Warrens as to Heaven. She did not understand the +matter quite so simply as I had done, but saw advances where I only +discovered friendship. She concluded that Madam Lard would make a point +of not leaving me as great a fool as she found me, and, some way or +other, contrive to make herself understood; but exclusive of the +consideration that it was not just, that another should undertake the +instruction of her pupil, she had motives more worthy of her, wishing to +guard me against the snares to which my youth and inexperience exposed +me. Meantime, a more dangerous temptation offered which I likewise +escaped, but which proved to her that such a succession of dangers +required every preservative she could possibly apply. + +The Countess of Menthon, mother to one of my scholars, was a woman of +great wit, and reckoned to possess, at least, an equal share of mischief, +having (as was reported) caused a number of quarrels, and, among others, +one that terminated fatally for the house of D' Antremont. Madam de +Warrens had seen enough of her to know her character: for having (very +innocently) pleased some person to whom Madam de Menthon had pretensions, +she found her guilty of the crime of this preference, though Madam de +Warrens had neither sought after nor accepted it, and from that moment +endeavored to play her rival a number of ill turns, none of which +succeeded. I shall relate one of the most whimsical, by way of specimen. + +They were together in the country, with several gentlemen of the +neighborhood, and among the rest the lover in question. Madam de Menthon +took an opportunity to say to one of these gentlemen, that Madam de +Warrens was a prude, that she dressed ill, and particularly that she +covered her neck like a tradeswoman. "O, for that matter," replied the +person she was speaking to (who was fond of a joke), "she has good +reason, for I know she is marked with a great ugly rat on her bosom, so +naturally, that it even appears to be running." Hatred, as well as love, +renders its votaries credulous. Madam de Menthon resolved to make use of +this discovery, and one day, while Madam de Warrens was at cards with +this lady's ungrateful favorite, she contrived, in passing behind her +rival, almost to overset the chair she sat on, and at the same instant, +very dexterously displaced her handkerchief; but instead of this hideous +rat, the gentleman beheld a far different object, which it was not more +easy to forget than to obtain a sight of, and which by no means answered +the intentions of the lady. + +I was not calculated to engross the attention of Madam de Menthon, who +loved to be surrounded by brilliant company; notwithstanding she bestowed +some attention on me, not for the sake of my person, which she certainly +did not regard, but for the reputation of wit which I had acquired, and +which might have rendered me convenient to her predominant inclination. +She had a very lively passion for ridicule, and loved to write songs and +lampoons on those who displeased her: had she found me possessed of +sufficient talents to aid the fabrication of her verses, and complaisance +enough to do so, we should presently have turned Chambery upside down; +these libels would have been traced to their source, Madam de Menthon +would have saved herself by sacrificing me, and I should have been cooped +up in prison, perhaps, for the rest of my life, as a recompense for +having figured away as the Apollo of the ladies. Fortunately, nothing of +this kind happened; Madam de Menthon made me stay for dinner two or three +days, to chat with me, and soon found I was too dull for her purpose. +I felt this myself, and was humiliated at the discovery, envying the +talents of my friend Venture; though I should rather have been obliged to +my stupidity for keeping me out of the reach of danger. I remained, +therefore, Madam de Menthon's daughter's singing-master, and nothing +more! but I lived happily, and was ever well received at Chambery, which +was a thousand times more desirable than passing for a wit with her, and +for a serpent with everybody else. + +However this might be, Madam de Warrens conceived it necessary to guard +me from the perils of youth by treating me as a man: this she immediately +set about, but in the most extraordinary manner that any woman, in +similar circumstances, ever devised. I all at once observed that her +manner was graver, and her discourse more moral than usual. To the +playful gayety with which she used to intermingle her instructions +suddenly succeeded an uniformity of manner, neither familiar nor severe, +but which seemed to prepare me for some explanation. After having vainly +racked my brain for the reason of this change, I mentioned it to her; +this she had expected and immediately proposed a walk to our garden the +next day. Accordingly we went there the next morning; she had contrived +that we should remain alone the whole day, which she employed in +preparing me for those favors she meant to bestow; not as another woman +would have done, by toying and folly, but by discourses full of sentiment +and reason, rather tending to instruct than seduce, and which spoke more +to my heart than to my senses. Meantime, however excellent and to the +purpose these discourses might be, and though far enough from coldness or +melancholy, I did not listen to them with all the attention they merited, +nor fix them in my memory as I should have done at any other time. That +air of preparation which she had adopted gave me a degree of inquietude; +while she spoke (in spite of myself) I was thoughtful and absent, +attending less to what she said than curious to know what she aimed at; +and no sooner had I comprehended her design (which I could not easily do) +than the novelty of the idea, which, during all the years I had passed +with her, had never once entered my imagination, took such entire +possession of me that I was no longer capable of minding what she said! +I only thought of her; I heard her no longer. + +Thinking to render young minds attentive to reason by proposing some +highly interesting object as the result of it, is an error instructors +frequently run into, and one which I have not avoided in my Umilius. +The young pupil, struck with the object presented to him, is occupied +only with that, and leaping lightly over your preliminary discourses, +lights at once on the point, to which, in his idea, you lead him too +tediously. To render him attentive, he must be prevented from seeing the +whole of your design; and, in this particular, Madam de Warrens did not +act with sufficient precaution. + +By a singularity which adhered to her systematic disposition, she took +the vain precaution of proposing conditions; but the moment I knew the +purchase, I no longer even heard them, but immediately consented to +everything; and I doubt whether there is a man on the whole earth who +would have been sincere or courageous enough to dispute terms, or one +single woman who would have pardoned such a dispute. By a continuation +of the same whimsicality, she attached a number of the gravest +formalities to the acquisition of her favors, and gave me eight days to +think of them, which I assured her I had no need of, though that +assurance was far from a truth: for to complete this assemblage of +singularities, I was very glad to have this intermission; so much had the +novelty of these ideas struck me, and such disorder did I feel in mine, +that it required time to arrange them. + +It will be supposed, that these eight days appeared to me as many ages; +on the contrary, I should have been very glad had the time been +lengthened. I find it difficult to describe the state I found myself in; +it was a strange chaos of fear and impatience, dreading what I desired, +and studying some civil pretext to evade my happiness. + +Let the warmth of my constitution be remembered, my age, and my heart +intoxicated with love; let my tender attachment to her be supposed, +which, far from having diminished, had daily gained additional strength; +let it be considered that I was only happy when with her, that my heart +was full, not only of her bounty, of her amiable disposition, but of her +shape, of her person, of herself; in a word, conceive me united to her by +every affinity that could possibly render her dear; nor let it be +supposed, that, being ten or twelve years older than myself, she began to +grow an old woman, or was so in my opinion. From the time the first +sight of her had made such an impression on me, she had really altered +very little, and, in my mind, not at all. To me she was ever charming, +and was still thought so by everyone. She had got something jollier, +but had the same fine eyes, the same clear complexion, the same features, +the same beautiful light hair, the sane gayety, and even the same voice, +whose youthful and silvery sound made so lively an impression on my +heart, that, even to this day, I cannot hear a young woman's voice, +that is at all harmonious, without emotion. It will be seen, that in a +more advanced age, the bare idea of some trifling favors I had to expect +from the person I loved, inflamed me so far, that I could not support, +with any degree of patience, the time necessary to traverse the short +space that separated us; how then, by what miracle, when in the flower of +my youth, had I so little impatience for a happiness I had never tasted +but in idea? How could I see the moment advancing with more pain than +pleasure? Why, instead of transports that should have intoxicated me +with their deliciousness, did I experience only fears and repugnance? +I have no doubt that if I could have avoided this happiness with any +degree of decency, I should have relinquished it with all my heart. +I have promised a number of extravagancies in the history of my +attachment to her; this certainly is one that no idea could be formed of. + +The reader (already disgusted) supposes, that being in the situation I +have before described with Claude Anet, she was already degraded in my +opinion by this participation of her favors, and that a sentiment of +disesteem weakened those she had before inspired me with; but he is +mistaken. 'Tis true that this participation gave me a cruel uneasiness, +as well from a very natural sentiment of delicacy, as because it appeared +unworthy both of her and myself; but as to my sentiments for her, they +were still the same, and I can solemnly aver, that I never loved her more +tenderly than when I felt so little propensity to avail myself of her +condescension. I was too well acquainted with the chastity of her heart +and the iciness of her constitution, to suppose a moment that the +gratification of the senses had any influence over her; I was well +convinced that her only motive was to guard me from dangers, which +appeared otherwise inevitable, by this extraordinary favor, which she did +not consider in the same light that women usually do; as will presently +be explained. + +The habit of living a long time innocently together, far from weakening +the first sentiments I felt for her, had contributed to strengthen them, +giving a more lively, a more tender, but at the same time a less sensual, +turn to my affection. Having ever accustomed myself to call her Mama (as +formerly observed) and enjoying the familiarity of a son, it became +natural to consider myself as such, and I am inclined to think this was +the true reason of that insensibility with a person I so tenderly loved; +for I can perfectly recollect that my emotions on first seeing her, +though not more lively, were more voluptuous: At Annecy I was +intoxicated, at Chambery I possessed my reason. I always loved her as +passionately as possible, but I now loved her more for herself and less +on my own account; or, at least, I rather sought for happiness than +pleasure in her company. She was more to me than a sister, a mother, a +friend, or even than a mistress, and for this very reason she was not a +mistress; in a word, I loved her too much to desire her. + +This day, more dreaded than hoped for, at length arrived. I have before +observed, that I promised everything that was required of me, and I kept +my word: my heart confirmed my engagements without desiring the fruits, +though at length I obtained them. Was I happy? No: I felt I know not +what invincible sadness which empoisoned my happiness, it seemed that I +had committed an incest, and two or three times, pressing her eagerly in +my arms, I deluged her bosom with my tears. On her part, as she had +never sought pleasure, she had not the stings of remorse. + +I repeat it, all her failings were the effect of her errors, never of her +passions. She was well born, her heart was pure, her manners noble, her +desires regular and virtuous, her taste delicate; she seemed formed for +that elegant purity of manners which she ever loved, but never practised, +because instead of listening to the dictates of her heart, she followed +those of her reason, which led her astray: for when once corrupted by +false principles it will ever run counter to its natural sentiments. +Unhappily, she piqued herself on philosophy, and the morals she drew from +thence clouded the genuine purity of her heart. + +M. Tavel, her first lover, was also her instructor in this philosophy, +and the principles he instilled into her mind were such as tended to +seduce her. Finding her cold and impregnable on the side of her +passions, and firmly attached to her husband and her duty, he attacked +her by sophisms, endeavoring to prove that the list of duties she thought +so sacred, was but a sort of catechism, fit only for children. That the +kind of infidelity she thought so terrible, was, in itself, absolutely +indifferent; that all the morality of conjugal faith consisted in +opinion, the contentment of husbands being the only reasonable rule of +duty in wives; consequently that concealed infidelities, doing no injury, +could be no crime; in a word, he persuaded her that the sin consisted +only in the scandal, that woman being really virtuous who took care to +appear so. Thus the deceiver obtained his end in the subverting the +reason of a girl; whose heart he found it impossible to corrupt, and +received his punishment in a devouring jealousy, being persuaded she +would treat him as he had prevailed on her to treat her husband. + +I don't know whether he was mistaken in this respect: the Minister Perret +passed for his successor; all I know, is, that the coldness of +temperament which it might have been supposed would have kept her from +embracing this system, in the end prevented her from renouncing it. She +could not conceive how so much importance should be given to what seemed +to have none for her; nor could she honor with the name of virtue, an +abstinence which would have cost her little. + +She did not, therefore, give in to this false principle on her own +account, but for the sake of others; and that from another maxim almost +as false as the former, but more consonant to the generosity of her +disposition. + +She was persuaded that nothing could attach a man so truly to any woman +as an unbounded freedom, and though she was only susceptible of +friendship, this friendship was so tender, that she made use of every +means which depended on her to secure the objects of it, and, which is +very extraordinary, almost always succeeded: for she was so truly +amiable, that an increase of intimacy was sure to discover additional +reasons to love and respect her. Another thing worthy of remark is, +that after her first folly, she only favored the unfortunate. Lovers in +a more brilliant station lost their labor with her, but the man who at +first attracted her pity, must have possessed very few good qualities if +in the end he did not obtain her affection. Even when she made an +unworthy choice, far from proceeding from base inclinations (which were +strangers to her noble heart) it was the effect of a disposition too +generous, humane, compassionate, and sensible, which she did not always +govern with sufficient discernment. + +If some false principles misled her, how many admirable ones did she not +possess, which never forsook her! By how many virtues did she atone for +her failings! if we can call by that name errors in which the senses had +so little share. The man who in one particular deceived her so +completely, had given her excellent instructions in a thousand others; +and her passions, being far from turbulent, permitted her to follow the +dictates. She ever acted wisely when her sophisms did not intervene, and +her designs were laudable even in her failings. False principles might +lead her to do ill, but she never did anything which she conceived to be +wrong. She abhorred lying and duplicity, was just, equitable, humane, +disinterested, true to her word, her friends, and those duties which she +conceived to be such; incapable of hatred or revenge, and not even +conceiving there was a merit in pardoning; in fine (to return to those +qualities which were less excusable), though she did not properly value, +she never made a vile commerce of her favors; she lavished, but never +sold them, though continually reduced to expedients for a subsistence: +and I dare assert, that if Socrates could esteem Aspasia, he would have +respected Madam de Warrens. + +I am well aware that ascribing sensibility of heart with coldness of +temperament to the same person, I shall generally, and with great +appearance of reason, be accused of a contradiction. Perhaps Nature +sported or blundered, and this combination ought not to have existed; +I only know it did exist. All those who know Madam de Warrens (a great +number of whom are yet living) have had opportunities of knowing this was +a fact; I dare even aver she had but one pleasure in the world, which was +serving those she loved. Let every one argue on the point as he pleases, +and gravely prove that this cannot be; my business is to declare the +truth, and not to enforce a belief of it. + +I became acquainted with the particulars I have just related, in those +conversations which succeeded our union, and alone rendered it delicious. +She was right when she concluded her complaisance would be useful to me; +I derived great advantages from it in point of useful instruction. +Hitherto she had used me as a child, she now began to treat me as a man, +and entertain me with accounts of herself. Everything she said was so +interesting, and I was so sensibly touched with it, that, reasoning with +myself, I applied these confidential relations to my own improvement and +received more instruction from them than from her teaching. When we +truly feel that the heart speaks, our own opens to receive its +instructions, nor can all the pompous morality of a pedagogue have half +the effect that is produced by the tender, affectionate, and artless +conversation of a sensible woman on him who loves her. + +The intimacy in which I lived with Madam de Warrens, having placed me +more advantageously in her opinion than formerly, she began to think +(notwithstanding my awkward manner) that I deserved cultivation for the +polite world, and that if I could one day show myself there in an +eligible situation, I should soon be able to make my way. In consequence +of this idea, she set about forming not only my judgment, but my address, +endeavoring to render me amiable, as well as estimable; and if it is true +that success in this world is consistent with strict virtue (which, for +my part, I do not believe), I am certain there is no other road than that +she had taken, and wished to point out to me. For Madam de Warrens knew +mankind, and understood exquisitely well the art of treating all ranks, +without falsehood, and without imprudence, neither deceiving nor +provoking them; but this art was rather in her disposition than her +precepts, she knew better how to practise than explain it, and I was of +all the world the least calculated to become master of such an +attainment; accordingly, the means employed for this purpose were nearly +lost labor, as well as the pains she took to procure me a fencing and a +dancing master. + +Though very well made, I could never learn to dance a minuet; for being +plagued with corns, I had acquired a habit of walking on my heels, which +Roche, the dancing master, could never break me of. It was still worse +at the fencing-school, where, after three months' practice, I made but +very little progress, and could never attempt fencing with any but my +master. My wrist was not supple enough, nor my arm sufficiently firm to +retain the foil, whenever he chose to make it fly out of my hand. Add to +this, I had a mortal aversion both to the art itself and to the person +who undertook to teach it to me, nor should I ever have imagined, that +anyone could have been so proud of the science of sending men out of the +world. To bring this vast genius within the compass of my comprehension, +he explained himself by comparisons drawn from music, which he understood +nothing of. He found striking analogies between a hit in 'quarte' or +'tierce' with the intervals of music which bears those names: when he +made a feint he cried out, "take care of this 'diesis'," because +anciently they called the 'diesis' a feint: and when he had made the foil +fly from my hand, he would add, with a sneer, that this was a pause: in a +word, I never in my life saw a more insupportable pedant. + +I made, therefore, but little progress in my exercises, which I presently +quitted from pure disgust; but I succeeded better in an art of a thousand +times more value, namely, that of being content with my situation, and +not desiring one more brilliant, for which I began to be persuaded that +Nature had not designed me. Given up to the endeavor of rendering Madam +de Warrens happy, I was ever best pleased when in her company, and, +notwithstanding my fondness for music, began to grudge the time I +employed in giving lessons to my scholars. + +I am ignorant whether Anet perceived the full extent of our union; but I +am inclined to think he was no stranger to it. He was a young man of +great penetration, and still greater discretion; who never belied his +sentiments, but did not always speak them: without giving me the least +hint that he was acquainted with our intimacy, he appeared by his conduct +to be so; nor did this moderation proceed from baseness of soul, but, +having entered entirely into the principles of his mistress, he could not +reasonably disapprove of the natural consequences of them. Though as +young as herself, he was so grave and thoughtful, that he looked on us as +two children who required indulgence, and we regarded him as a +respectable man, whose esteem we had to preserve. It was not until after +she was unfaithful to Anet, that I learned the strength of her attachment +to him. She was fully sensible that I only thought, felt, or lived for +her; she let me see, therefore, how much she loved Anet, that I might +love him likewise, and dwell less on her friendship, than on her esteem, +for him, because this was the sentiment that I could most fully partake +of. How often has she affected our hearts and made us embrace with +tears, by assuring us that we were both necessary to her happiness! +Let not women read this with an ill-natured smile; with the temperament +she possessed, this necessity was not equivocal, it was only that of the +heart. + +Thus there was established, among us three, a union without example, +perhaps, on the face of the earth. All our wishes, our cares, our very +hearts, were for each other, and absolutely confined to this little +circle. The habit of living together, and living exclusively from the +rest of the world, became so strong, that if at our repasts one of the +three was wanting, or a fourth person came in, everything seemed +deranged; and, notwithstanding our particular attachments, even our tete- +-a-tete were less agreeable than our reunion. What banished every +species of constraint from our little community, was a lively reciprocal +confidence, and dulness or insipidity could find no place among us, +because we were always fully employed. Madam de Warrens always +projecting, always busy, left us no time for idleness, though, indeed, +we had each sufficient employment on our own account. It is my maxim, +that idleness is as much the pest of society as of solitude. Nothing +more contracts the mind, or engenders more tales, mischief, gossiping, +and lies, than for people to be eternally shut up in the same apartment +together, and reduced, from the want of employment, to the necessity of +an incessant chat. When every one is busy (unless you have really +something to say), you may continue silent; but if you have nothing to +do, you must absolutely speak continually, and this, in my mind, is the +most burdensome and the most dangerous constraint. I will go further, +and maintain, that to render company harmless, as well as agreeable, it +is necessary, not only that they should have something to do, but +something that requires a degree of attention. + +Knitting, for instance, is absolutely as bad as doing nothing; you must +take as much pains to amuse a woman whose fingers are thus employed, as +if she sat with her arms crossed; but let her embroider, and it is a +different matter; she is then so far busied, that a few intervals of +silence may be borne with. What is most disgusting and ridiculous, +during these intermissions of conversation, is to see, perhaps, a dozen +over-grown fellows, get up, sit down again, walk backwards and forwards, +turn on their heels, play with the chimney ornaments, and rack their +brains to maintain an inexhaustible chain of words: what a charming +occupation! Such people, wherever they go, must be troublesome both to +others and themselves. When I was at Motiers, I used to employ myself in +making laces with my neighbors, and were I again to mix with the world, +I would always carry a cup-and-ball in my pocket; I should sometimes play +with it the whole day, that I might not be constrained to speak when I +had nothing to discourse about; and I am persuaded, that if every one +would do the same, mankind would be less mischievous, their company would +become more rational, and, in my opinion, a vast deal more agreeable; +in a word, let wits laugh if they please, but I maintain, that the only +practical lesson of morality within the reach of the present age, is that +of the cup-and-ball. + +At Chambery they did not give us the trouble of studying expedients to +avoid weariness, when by ourselves, for a troop of important visitors +gave us too much by their company, to feel any when alone. The annoyance +they formerly gave me had not diminished; all the difference was, that I +now found less opportunity to abandon myself to my dissatisfaction. +Poor Madam de Warrens had not lost her old predilection for schemes and +systems; on the contrary, the more she felt the pressure of her domestic +necessities, the more she endeavored to extricate herself from them by +visionary projects; and, in proportion to the decrease of her present +resources, she contrived to enlarge, in idea, those of the future. +Increase of years only strengthened this folly: as she lost her relish +for the pleasures of the world and youth, she replaced it by an +additional fondness for secrets and projects; her house was never clear +of quacks, contrivers of new manufactures, alchemists, projects of all +kinds and of all descriptions, whose discourses began by a distribution +of millions and concluded by giving you to understand that they were in +want of a crown--piece. No one went from her empty-handed; and what +astonished me most was, how she could so long support such profusion, +without exhausting the source or wearying her creditors. + +Her principal project at the time I am now speaking of was that of +establishing a Royal Physical Garden at Chambery, with a Demonstrator +attached to it; it will be unnecessary to add for whom this office was +designed. The situation of this city, in the midst of the Alps, was +extremely favorable to botany, and as Madam de Warrens was always for +helping out one project with another, a College of Pharmacy was to be +added, which really would have been a very useful foundation in so poor a +country, where apothecaries are almost the only medical practitioners. +The retreat of the chief physician, Grossi, to Chambery, on the demise of +King Victor, seemed to favor this idea, or perhaps, first suggest it; +however this may be, by flattery and attention she set about managing +Grossi, who, in fact, was not very manageable, being the most caustic and +brutal, for a man who had any pretensions to the quality of a gentleman, +that ever I knew. The reader may judge for himself by two or three +traits of character, which I shall add by way of specimen. + +He assisted one day at a consultation with some other doctors, and among +the rest, a young gentleman from Annecy, who was physician in ordinary to +the sick person. This young man, being but indifferently taught for a +doctor, was bold enough to differ in opinion from M. Grossi, who only +answered him by asking him when he should return, which way he meant to +take, and what conveyance he should make use of? The other, having +satisfied Grossi in these particulars, asked him if there was anything he +could serve him in? "Nothing, nothing," answered he, "only I shall place +myself at a window in your way, that I may have the pleasure of seeing an +ass ride on horseback." His avarice equalled his riches and want of +feeling. One of his friends wanted to borrow some money of him, on good +security. "My friend," answered he, shaking him by the arm, and grinding +his teeth, "Should St. Peter descend from heaven to borrow ten pistoles +of me, and offer the Trinity as securities, I would not lend them." One +day, being invited to dinner with Count Picon, Governor of Savoy, who was +very religious, he arrived before it was ready, and found his excellency +busy with his devotions, who proposed to him the same employment; not +knowing how to refuse, he knelt down with a frightful grimace, but had +hardly recited two Ave-Marias, when, not being able to contain himself +any longer, he rose hastily, snatched his hat and cane, and without +speaking a word, was making toward the door; Count Picon ran after him, +crying, "Monsieur Grossi! Monsieur Grossi! stop, there's a most +excellent ortolan on the spit for you." "Monsieur le Count," replied the +other, turning his head, "though you should give me a roasted angel, I +would not stay." Such was M. Grossi, whom Madam de Warrens undertook and +succeeded in civilizing. Though his time was very much occupied, he +accustomed himself to come frequently to her house, conceived a +friendship for Anet, seemed to think him intelligent, spoke of him with +esteem, and, what would not have been expected of such a brute, affected +to treat him with respect, wishing to efface the impressions of the past; +for though Anet was no longer on the footing of a domestic, it was known +that he had been one, and nothing less than the countenance and example +of the chief physician was necessary to set an example of respect which +would not otherwise have been paid him. Thus Claude Anet, with a black +coat, a well-dressed wig, a grave, decent behavior, a circumspect +conduct, and a tolerable knowledge in medical and botanical matters, +might reasonably have hoped to fill, with universal satisfaction, +the place of public demonstrator, had the proposed establishment taken +place. Grossi highly approved the plan, and only waited an opportunity +to propose it to the administration, whenever a return of peace should +permit them to think of useful institutions, and enable them to spare the +necessary pecuniary supplies. + +But this project, whose execution would probably have plunged me into +botanical studies, for which I am inclined to think Nature designed me, +failed through one of those unexpected strokes which frequently overthrow +the best concerted plans. I was destined to become an example of human +misery; and it might be said that Providence, who called me by degrees to +these extraordinary trials, disconcerted every opportunity that could +prevent my encountering them. + +In an excursion which Anet made to the top of the mountain to seek for +genipi, a scarce plant that grows only on the Alps, and which Monsieur +Grossi had occasion for, unfortunately he heated himself so much, that he +was seized with a pleurisy, which the genipi could not relieve, though +said to be specific in that disorder; and, notwithstanding all the art of +Grossi (who certainly was very skillful), and all the care of his good +mistress and myself, he died the fifth day of his disorder, in the most +cruel agonies. During his illness he had no exhortations but mine, +bestowed with such transports of grief and zeal, that had he been in a +state to understand them, they must have been some consolation to him. +Thus I lost the firmest friend I ever had; a man estimable and +extraordinary; in whom Nature supplied the defects of education, and who +(though in a state of servitude) possessed all the virtues necessary to +form a great man, which, perhaps, he would have shown himself, and been +acknowledged, had he lived to fill the situation he seemed so perfectly +adapted to. + +The next day I spoke of him to Madam de Warrens with the most sincere and +lively affection; when, suddenly, in the midst of our conversation, the +vile, ungrateful thought occurred, that I should inherit his wardrobe, +and particularly a handsome black coat, which I thought very becoming. +As I thought this, I consequently uttered it; for when with her, to think +and to speak was the same thing. Nothing could have made her feel more +forcibly the loss she had sustained, than this unworthy and odious +observation; disinterestedness and greatness of soul being qualities that +poor Anet had eminently possessed. The generous Madam de Warrens turned +from me, and (without any reply) burst into tears. Dear and precious +tears! your reprehension was fully felt; ye ran into my very heart, +washing from thence even the smallest traces of such despicable and +unworthy sentiments, never to return. + +This loss caused Madam de Warrens as much inconvenience as sorrow, +since from this moment her affairs were still more deranged. Anet was +extremely exact, and kept everything in order; his vigilance was +universally feared, and this set some bounds to that profusion they were +too apt to run into; even Madam de Warrens, to avoid his censure, +kept her dissipation within bounds; his attachment was not sufficient, +she wished to preserve his esteem, and avoid the just remonstrances he +sometimes took the liberty to make her, by representing that she +squandered the property of others as well as her own. I thought as he +did, nay, I even sometimes expressed myself to the same effect, but had +not an equal ascendancy over her, and my advice did not make the same +impression. On his decease, I was obliged to occupy his place, for which +I had as little inclination as abilities, and therefore filled it ill. +I was not sufficiently careful, and so very timid, that though I +frequently found fault to myself, I saw ill-management without taking +courage to oppose it; besides, though I acquired an equal share of +respect, I had not the same authority. I saw the disorder that +prevailed, trembled at it, sometimes complained, but was never attended +to. I was too young and lively to have any pretensions to the exercise +of reason, and when I would have acted the reformer, Madam de Warrens +calling me her little Mentor, with two or three playful slaps on the +cheek, reduced me to my natural thoughtlessness. Notwithstanding, +an idea of the certain distress in which her ill-regulated expenses, +sooner or later, must necessarily plunge her, made a stronger impression +on me since I had become the inspector of her household, and had a better +opportunity of calculating the inequality that subsisted between her +income and her expenses. I even date from this period the beginning of +that inclination to avarice which I have ever since been sensible of. +I was never foolishly prodigal, except by intervals; but till then I was +never concerned whether I had much or little money. I now began to pay +more attention to this circumstance, taking care of my purse, and +becoming mean from a laudable motive; for I only sought to insure Madam +de Warrens some resources against that catastrophe which I dreaded the +approach of. I feared her creditors would seize her pension or that it +might be discontinued and she reduced to want, when I foolishly imagined +that the trifle I could save might be of essential service to her; but to +accomplish this, it was necessary I should conceal what I meant to make a +reserve of; for it would have been an awkward circumstance, while she was +perpetually driven to expedients, to have her know that I hoarded money. +Accordingly, I sought out some hiding-place, where I laid up a few louis, +resolving to augment this stock from time to time, till a convenient +opportunity to lay it at her feet; but I was so incautious in the choice +of my repositories, that she always discovered them, and, to convince me +that she did so, changed the louis I had concealed for a larger sum in +different pieces of coin. Ashamed of these discoveries, I brought back +to the common purse my little treasure, which she never failed to lay out +in clothes, or other things for my use, such as a silver hilted sword, +watch, etc. Being convinced that I should never succeed in accumulating +money, and that what I could save would furnish but a very slender +resource against the misfortune I dreaded, made me wish to place myself +in such a situation that I might be enabled to provide for her, whenever +she might chance to be reduced to want. Unhappily, seeking these +resources on the side of my inclinations, I foolishly determined to +consider music as my principal dependence; and ideas of harmony rising in +my brain, I imagined, that if placed in a proper situation to profit by +them, I should acquire celebrity, and presently become a modern Orpheus, +whose mystic sounds would attract all the riches of Peru. + +As I began to read music tolerably well, the question was, how I should +learn composition? The difficulty lay in meeting with a good master, +for, with the assistance of my Rameau alone, I despaired of ever being +able to accomplish it; and, since the departure of M. le Maitre, there +was nobody in Savoy who understood anything of the principles of harmony. + +I am now about to relate another of those inconsequences, which my life +is full of, and which have so frequently carried me directly from my +designs, even when I thought myself immediately within reach of them. +Venture had spoken to me in very high terms of the Abbe Blanchard, who +had taught him composition; a deserving man, possessed of great talents, +who was music-master to the cathedral at Besancon, and is now in that +capacity at the Chapel of Versailles. I therefore determined to go to +Besancon, and take some lessons from the Abbe Blanchard, and the idea +appeared so rational to me, that I soon made Madam de Warrens of the same +opinion, who immediately set about the preparations for my journey, in +the same style of profusion with which all her plans were executed. Thus +this project for preventing a bankruptcy, and repairing in future the +waste of dissipation, began by causing her to expend eight hundred +livres; her ruin being accelerated that I might be put in a condition to +prevent it. Foolish as this conduct may appear, the illusion was +complete on my part, and even on hers, for I was persuaded I should labor +for her emolument, and she thought she was highly promoting mine. + +I expected to find Venture still at Annecy, and promised myself to obtain +a recommendatory letter from him to the Abbe Blanchard; but he had left +that place, and I was obliged to content myself in the room of it, with a +mass in four parts of his composition, which he had left with me. With +this slender recommendation I set out for Besancon by the way of Geneva, +where I saw my relations; and through Nion, where I saw my father, who +received me in his usual manner, and promised to forward my portmanteau, +which, as I travelled on horseback, came after me. I arrived at +Besancon, and was kindly received by the Abbe Blanchard, who promised me +his instruction, and offered his services in any other particular. We +had just set about our music, when I received a letter from my father, +informing me that my portmanteau had been seized and confiscated at +Rousses, a French barrier on the side of Switzerland. Alarmed at the +news, I employed the acquaintance I had formed at Besancon, to learn the +motive of this confiscation. Being certain there was nothing contraband +among my baggage, I could not conceive on what pretext it could have been +seized on; at length, however, I learned the rights of the story, which +(as it is a very curious one) must not be omitted. + +I became acquainted at Chambery with a very worthy old man, from Lyons, +named Monsieur Duvivier, who had been employed at the Visa, under the +regency, and for want of other business, now assisted at the Survey. He +had lived in the polite world, possessed talents, was good-humored, and +understood music. As we both wrote in the same chamber, we preferred +each other's acquaintance to that of the unlicked cubs that surrounded +us. He had some correspondents at Paris, who furnished him with those +little nothings, those daily novelties, which circulate one knows not +why, and die one cares not when, without any one thinking of them longer +than they are heard. As I sometimes took him to dine with Madam de +Warrens, he in some measure treated me with respect, and (wishing to +render himself agreeable) endeavored to make me fond of these trifles, +for which I naturally had such a distaste, that I never in my life read +any of them. Unhappily one of these cursed papers happened to be in the +waistcoat pocket of a new suit, which I had only worn two or three times +to prevent its being seized by the commissioners of the customs. This +paper contained an insipid Jansenist parody on that beautiful scene in +Racine's Mithridates: I had not read ten lines of it, but by +forgetfulness left it in my pocket, and this caused all my necessaries to +be confiscated. The commissioners at the head of the inventory of my +portmanteau, set a most pompous verbal process, in which it was taken for +granted that this most terrible writing came from Geneva for the sole +purpose of being printed and distributed in France, and then ran into +holy invectives against the enemies of God and the Church, and praised +the pious vigilance of those who had prevented the execution of these +most infernal machinations. They doubtless found also that my spirits +smelt of heresy, for on the strength of this dreadful paper, they were +all seized, and from that time I never received any account of my +unfortunate portmanteau. The revenue officers whom I applied to for this +purpose required so many instructions, informations, certificates, +memorials, etc., etc., that, lost a thousand times in the perplexing +labyrinth, I was glad to abandon them entirely. I feel a real regret for +not having preserved this verbal process from the office of Rousses, for +it was a piece calculated to hold a distinguished rank in the collection +which is to accompany this Work. + +The loss of my necessities immediately brought me back to Chambery, +without having learned anything of the Abbe Blanchard. Reasoning with +myself on the events of this journey, and seeing that misfortunes +attended all my enterprises, I resolved to attach myself entirely to +Madam de Warrens, to share her fortune, and distress myself no longer +about future events, which I could not regulate. She received me as if I +had brought back treasures, replaced by degrees my little wardrobe, and +though this misfortune fell heavy enough on us both, it was forgotten +almost as suddenly as it arrived. + +Though this mischance had rather dampened my musical ardor, I did not +leave off studying my Rameau, and, by repeated efforts, was at length +able to understand it, and to make some little attempts at composition, +the success of which encouraged me to proceed. The Count de Bellegrade, +son of the Marquis of Antremont, had returned from Dresden after the +death of King Augustus. Having long resided at Paris, he was fond of +music, and particularly that of Rameau. His brother, the Count of +Nangis, played on the violin; the Countess la Tour, their sister, sung +tolerably: this rendered music the fashion at Chambery, and a kind of +public concert was established there, the direction of which was at first +designed for me, but they soon discovered I was not competent to the +undertaking, and it was otherwise arranged. Notwithstanding this, I +continued writing a number of little pieces, in my own way, and, among +others, a cantata, which gained great approbation; it could not, indeed, +be called a finished piece, but the airs were written in a style of +novelty, and produced a good effect, which was not expected from me. +These gentlemen could not believe that, reading music so indifferently, +it was possible I should compose any that was passable, and made no doubt +that I had taken to myself the credit of some other person's labors. +Monsieur de Nangis, wishing to be assured of this, called on me one +morning with a cantata of Clerambault's which he had transposed as he +said, to suit his voice, and to which another bass was necessary, the +transposition having rendered that of Clerambault impracticable. I +answered, it required considerable labor, and could not be done on the +spot. Being convinced I only sought an excuse, he pressed me to write at +least the bass to a recitative: I did so, not well, doubtless, because to +attempt anything with success I must have both time and freedom, but I +did it at least according to rule, and he being present, could not doubt +but I understood the elements of composition. I did not, therefore, lose +my scholars, though it hurt my pride that there should be a concert at +Chambery in which I was not necessary. + +About this time, peace being concluded, the French army repassed the +Alps. Several officers came to visit Madam de Warrens, and among others +the Count de Lautrec, Colonel of the regiment of Orleans, since +Plenipotentiary of Geneva, and afterwards Marshal of France, to whom she +presented me. On her recommendation, he appeared to interest himself +greatly in my behalf, promising a great deal, which he never remembered +till the last year of his life, when I no longer stood in need of his +assistance. The young Marquis of Sennecterre, whose father was then +ambassador at Turin, passed through Chambery at the same time, and dined +one day at M. de Menthon's, when I happened to be among the guests. +After dinner; the discourse turned on music, which the marquis understood +extremely well. The opera of 'Jephtha' was then new; he mentioned this +piece, it was brought him, and he made me tremble by proposing to execute +it between us. He opened the book at that celebrated double chorus, + + La Terra, l'Enfer, le Ciel meme, + Tout tremble devant le Seigneur! + + [The Earth, and Hell, and Heaven itself, + tremble before the Lord!] + +He said, "How many parts will you take? I will do these six." I had not +yet been accustomed to this trait of French vivacity, and though +acquainted with divisions, could not comprehend how one man could +undertake to perform six, or even two parts at the same time. Nothing +has cost me more trouble in music than to skip lightly from one part to +another, and have the eye at once on a whole division. By the manner in +which I evaded this trial, he must have been inclined to believe I did +not understand music, and perhaps it was to satisfy himself in this +particular that he proposed my noting a song for Mademoiselle de Menthon, +in such a manner that I could not avoid it. He sang this song, and I +wrote from his voice, without giving him much trouble to repeat it. When +finished he read my performance, and said (which was very true) that it +was very correctly noted. He had observed my embarrassment, and now +seemed to enhance the merit of this little success. In reality, I then +understood music very well, and only wanted that quickness at first sight +which I possess in no one particular, and which is only to be acquired in +this art by long and constant practice. Be that as it may, I was fully +sensible of his kindness in endeavoring to efface from the minds of +others, and even from my own, the embarrassment I had experienced on this +occasion. Twelve or fifteen years afterwards, meeting this gentleman at +several houses in Paris, I was tempted to make him recollect this +anecdote, and show him I still remembered it; but he had lost his sight +since that time; I feared to give him pain by recalling to his memory how +useful it formerly had been to him, and was therefore silent on that +subject. + +I now touch on the moment that binds my past existence to the present, +some friendships of that period, prolonged to the present time, being +very dear to me, have frequently made me regret that happy obscurity, +when those who called themselves my friends were really so; loved me for +myself, through pure good will, and not from the vanity of being +acquainted with a conspicuous character, perhaps for the secret purpose +of finding more occasions to injure him. + +From this time I date my first acquaintance with my old friend +Gauffecourt, who, notwithstanding every effort to disunite us, has still +remained so.--Still remained so!--No, alas! I have just lost him!--but +his affection terminated only with his life--death alone could put a +period to our friendship. Monsieur de Gauffecourt was one of the most +amiable men that ever existed; it was impossible to see him without +affection, or to live with him without feeling a sincere attachment. +In my life I never saw features more expressive of goodness and serenity, +or that marked more feeling, more understanding, or inspired greater +confidence. However reserved one might be, it was impossible even at +first sight to avoid being as free with him as if he had been an +acquaintance of twenty years; for myself, who find so much difficulty +to be at ease among new faces, I was familiar with him in a moment. +His manner, accent, and conversation, perfectly suited his features: +the sound of his voice was clear, full and musical; it was an agreeable +and expressive bass, which satisfied the ear, and sounded full upon the +heart. It was impossible to possess a more equal and pleasing vivacity, +or more real and unaffected gracefulness, more natural talents, or +cultivated with greater taste; join to all these good qualities an +affectionate heart, but loving rather too diffusively, and bestowing his +favors with too little caution; serving his friends with zeal, or rather +making himself the friend of every one he could serve, yet contriving +very dexterously to manage his own affairs, while warmly pursuing the +interests of others. + +Gauffecourt was the son of a clock-maker, and would have been a clock- +maker himself had not his person and desert called him to a superior +situation. He became acquainted with M. de la Closure, the French +Resident at Geneva, who conceived a friendship for him, and procured him +some connections at Paris, which were useful, and through whose influence +he obtained the privilege of furnishing the salts of Valais, which was +worth twenty thousand livres a year. This very amply satisfied his +wishes with respect to fortune, but with regard to women he was more +difficult; he had to provide for his own happiness, and did what he +supposed most conducive to it. What renders his character most +remarkable, and does him the greatest honor, is, that though connected +with all conditions, he was universally esteemed and sought after without +being envied or hated by any one, and I really believe he passed through +life without a single enemy.--Happy man! + +He went every year to the baths of Aix, where the best company from the +neighboring countries resorted, and being on terms of friendship with all +the nobility of Savoy, came from Aix to Chambery to see the young Count +de Bellegarde and his father the Marquis of Antremont. It was here Madam +de Warrens introduced me to him, and this acquaintance, which appeared at +that time to end in nothing, after many years had elapsed, was renewed on +an occasion which I should relate, when it became a real friendship. +I apprehend I am sufficiently authorized in speaking of a man to whom I +was so firmly attached, but I had no personal interest in what concerned +him; he was so truly amiable, and born with so many natural good +qualities that, for the honor of human nature, I should think it +necessary to preserve his memory. This man, estimable as he certainly +was, had, like other mortals, some failings, as will be seen hereafter; +perhaps had it not been so, he would have been less amiable, since, +to render him as interesting as possible, it was necessary he should +sometimes act in such a manner as to require a small portion of +indulgence. + +Another connection of the same time, that is not yet extinguished, +and continues to flatter me with the idea of temporal happiness, +which it is so difficult to obliterate from the human heart, is Monsieur +de Conzie, a Savoyard gentleman, then young and amiable, who had a fancy +to learn music, or rather to be acquainted with the person who taught it. +With great understanding and taste for polite acquirements, M. de Conzie +possessed a mildness of disposition which rendered him extremely +attractive, and my temper being somewhat similar, when it found a +counterpart, our friendship was soon formed. The seeds of literature and +philosophy, which began to ferment in my brain, and only waited for +culture and emulation to spring up, found in him exactly what was wanting +to render them prolific. M. de Conzie had no great inclination to music, +and even this was useful to me, for the hours destined for lessons were +passed anyhow rather than musically; we breakfasted, chatted, and read +new publications, but not a word of music. + +The correspondence between Voltaire and the Prince Royal of Prussia, then +made a noise in the world, and these celebrated men were frequently the +subject of our conversation, one of whom recently seated on a throne, +already indicated what he would prove himself hereafter, while the other, +as much disgraced as he is now admired, made us sincerely lament the +misfortunes that seemed to pursue him, and which are so frequently the +appendage of superior talents. The Prince of Prussia had not been happy +in his youth, and it appeared that Voltaire was formed never to be so. +The interest we took in both parties extended to all that concerned them, +and nothing that Voltaire wrote escaped us. The inclination I felt for +these performances inspired me with a desire to write elegantly, and +caused me to endeavor to imitate the colorings of that author, with whom +I was so much enchanted. Some time after, his philosophical letters +(though certainly not his best work) greatly augmented my fondness for +study; it was a rising inclination, which, from that time, has never been +extinguished. + +But the moment was not yet arrived when I should give into it entirely; +my rambling disposition (rather contracted than eradicated) being kept +alive by our manner of living at Madam de Warrens, which was too +unsettled for one of my solitary temper. The crowd of strangers who +daily swarmed about her from all parts, and the certainty I was in that +these people sought only to dupe her, each in his particular mode, +rendered home disagreeable. Since I had succeeded Anet in the confidence +of his mistress, I had strictly examined her circumstances, and saw their +evil tendency with horror. I had remonstrated a hundred times, prayed, +argued, conjured, but all to no purpose. I had thrown myself at her +feet, and strongly represented the catastrophe that threatened her, had +earnestly entreated that she would reform her expenses, and begin with +myself, representing that it was better to suffer something while she was +yet young, than by multiplying her debts and creditors, expose her old +age to vexation and misery. + +Sensible of the sincerity of my zeal, she was frequently affected, and +would then make the finest promises in the world: but only let an artful +schemer arrive, and in an instant all her good resolutions were +forgotten. After a thousand proofs of the inefficacy of my +remonstrances, what remained but to turn away my eyes from the ruin +I could not prevent; and fly myself from the door I could not guard! +I made therefore little journeys to Geneva and Lyons, which diverted my +mind in some measure from this secret uneasiness, though it increased the +cause by these additional expenses. I can truly aver that I should have +acquiesed with pleasure in every retrenchment, had Madam de Warrens +really profited by it, but being persuaded that what I might refuse +myself would be distributed among a set of interested villains, I took +advantage of her easiness to partake with them, and, like the dog +returning from the shambles, carried off a portion of that morsel which I +could not protect. + +Pretences were not wanting for all these journeys; even Madam de Warrens +would alone have supplied me with more than were necessary, having plenty +of connections, negotiations, affairs, and commissions, which she wished +to have executed by some trusty hand. In these cases she usually applied +to me; I was always willing to go, and consequently found occasions +enough to furnish out a rambling kind of life. These excursions procured +me some good connections, which have since been agreeable or useful to +me. Among others, I met at Lyons, with M. Perrichon, whose friendship I +accuse myself with not having sufficiently cultivated, considering the +kindness he had for me; and that of the good Parisot, which I shall speak +of in its place, at Grenoble, that of Madam Deybens and Madam la +Presidente de Bardonanche, a woman of great understanding, and who would +have entertained a friendship for me had it been in my power to have seen +her oftener; at Geneva, that of M. de Closure, the French Resident, who +often spoke to me of my mother, the remembrance of whom neither death nor +time had erased from his heart; likewise those of the two Barillots, the +father, who was very amiable, a good companion, and one of the most +worthy men I ever met, calling me his grandson. During the troubles of +the republic, these two citizens took contrary sides, the son siding with +the people, the father with the magistrates. When they took up arms in +1737, I was at Geneva, and saw the father and son quit the same house +armed, the one going to the townhouse, the other to his quarters, almost +certain to meet face to face in the course of two hours, and prepared to +give or receive death from each other. This unnatural sight made so +lively an impression on me, that I solemnly vowed never to interfere in +any civil war, nor assist in deciding our internal dispute by arms, +either personally or by my influence, should I ever enter into my rights +as a citizen. I can bring proofs of having kept this oath on a very +delicate occasion, and it will be confessed (at least I should suppose +so) that this moderation was of some worth. + +But I had not yet arrived at that fermentation of patriotism which the +first sight of Geneva in arms has since excited in my heart, as may be +conjectured by a very grave fact that will not tell to my advantage, +which I forgot to put in its proper place, but which ought not to be +omitted. + +My uncle Bernard died at Carolina, where he had been employed some years +in the building of Charles Town, which he had formed the plan of. My +poor cousin, too, died in the Prussian service; thus my aunt lost, nearly +at the same period, her son and husband. These losses reanimated in some +measure her affection for the nearest relative she had remaining, which +was myself. When I went to Geneva, I reckoned her house my home, and +amused myself with rummaging and turning over the books and papers my +uncle had left. Among them I found some curious ones, and some letters +which they certainly little thought of. My aunt, who set no store by +these dusty papers, would willingly have given the whole to me, but I +contented myself with two or three books, with notes written by the +Minister Bernard, my grandfather, and among the rest, the posthumous +works of Rohault in quarto, the margins of which were full of excellent +commentaries, which gave me an inclination to the mathematics. This book +remained among those of Madam de Warrens, and I have since lamented that +I did not preserve it. To these I added five or six memorials in +manuscript, and a printed one, composed by the famous Micheli Ducret, a +man of considerable talents, being both learned and enlightened, but too +much, perhaps, inclined to sedition, for which he was cruelly treated by +the magistrates of Geneva, and lately died in the fortress of Arberg, +where he had been confined many years, for being, as it was said, +concerned in the conspiracy of Berne. + +This memorial was a judicious critique on the extensive but ridiculous +plan of fortification, which had been adopted at Geneva, though censured +by every person of judgment in the art, who was unacquainted with the +secret motives of the council, in the execution of this magnificent +enterprise. Monsieur de Micheli, who had been excluded from the +committee of fortification for having condemned this plan, thought that, +as a citizen, and a member of the two hundred, he might give his advice, +at large, and therefore, did so in this memorial, which he was imprudent +enough to have printed, though he never published it, having only those +copies struck off which were meant for the two hundred, and which were +all intercepted at the post-house by order of the Senate. + + [The grand council of Geneva in December, 1728, pronounced this + paper highly disrespectful to the councils, and injurious to the + committee of fortification.] + +I found this memorial among my uncle's papers, with the answer he had +been ordered to make to it, and took both. This was soon after I had +left my place at the survey, and I yet remained on good terms with the +Counsellor de Coccelli, who had the management of it. Some time after, +the director of the custom-house entreated me to stand godfather to his +child, with Madam Coccelli, who was to be godmother: proud of being +placed on such terms of equality with the counsellor, I wished to assume +importance, and show myself worthy of that honor. + +Full of this idea, I thought I could do nothing better than show him +Micheli's memorial, which was really a scarce piece, and would prove I +was connected with people of consequence in Geneva, who were intrusted +with the secrets of the state, yet by a kind of reserve which I should +find it difficult to account for, I did not show him my uncle's answer, +perhaps, because it was manuscript, and nothing less than print was +worthy to approach the counsellor. He understood, however, so well the +importance of this paper, which I had the folly to put into his hands, +that I could never after get it into my possession, and being convinced +that every effort for that purpose would be ineffectual, I made a merit +of my forbearance, transforming the theft into a present. I made no +doubt that this writing (more curious, however, than useful) answered his +purpose at the court of Turin, where probably he took care to be +reimbursed in some way or other for the expense which the acquisition of +it might be supposed to have cost him. Happily, of all future +contingencies, the least probable, is, that ever the King of Sardina +should besiege Geneva, but as that event is not absolutely impossible, I +shall ever reproach my foolish vanity with having been the means of +pointing out the greatest defects of that city to its most ancient enemy. + +I passed three or four years in this manner, between music, magestry, +projects, and journeys, floating incessantly from one object to another, +and wishing to fix though I knew not on what, but insensibly inclining +towards study. I was acquainted with men of letters, I had heard them +speak of literature, and sometimes mingled in the conversation, yet +rather adopted the jargon of books, than the knowledge they contained. +In my excursions to Geneva, I frequently called on my good old friend +Monsieur Simon, who greatly promoted my rising emulation by fresh news +from the republic of letters, extracted from Baillet on Colomies. I +frequently saw too, at Chambery, a Dominican professor of physic, a good +kind of friar, whose name I have forgotten, who often made little +chemical experiments which greatly amused me. In imitation of him, I +attempted to make some sympathetic ink, and having for that purpose more +than half filled a bottle with quicklime, orpiment, and water, the +effervescence immediately became extremely violent; I ran to unstop the +bottle, but had not time to effect it, for, during the attempt, it burst +in my face like a bomb, and I swallowed so much of the orpiment and lime, +that it nearly cost me my life. I remained blind for six weeks, and by +the event of this experiment learned to meddle no more with experimental +Chemistry while the elements were unknown to me. + +This adventure happened very unluckily for my health, which, for some +time past, had been visibly on the decline. This was rather +extraordinary, as I was guilty of no kind of excess; nor could it have +been expected from my make, for my chest, being well formed and rather +capacious, seemed to give my lungs full liberty to play; yet I was short +breathed, felt a very sensible oppression, sighed involuntarily, had +palpitations of the heart, and spitting of blood, accompanied with a +lingering fever, which I have never since entirely overcome. How is it +possible to fall into such a state in the flower of one's age, without +any inward decay, or without having done anything to destroy health? + +It is sometimes said, "the sword wears the scabbard," this was truly the +case with me: the violence of my passions both kept me alive and hastened +my dissolution. What passions? will be asked: mere nothings: the most +trivial objects in nature, but which affected me as forcibly as if the +acquisition of a Helen, or the throne of the universe were at stake. +My senses, for instance, were at ease with one woman, but my heart never +was, and the necessities of love consumed me in the very bosom of +happiness. I had a tender, respected and lovely friend, but I sighed for +a mistress; my prolific fancy painted her as such, and gave her a +thousand forms, for had I conceived that my endearments had been lavished +on Madam de Warrens, they would not have been less tender, though +infinitely more tranquil. But is it possible for man to taste, in their +utmost extent, the delights of love? I cannot tell, but I am persuaded +my frail existence would have sunk under the weight of them. + +I was, therefore, dying for love without an object, and this state, +perhaps, is, of all others, the most dangerous. I was likewise uneasy, +tormented at the bad state of poor Madam de Warrens' circumstances, and +the imprudence of her conduct, which could not fail to bring them, in a +short time, to total ruin. My tortured imagination (which ever paints +misfortunes in the extremity) continually beheld this in its utmost +excess, and in all the horror of its consequences. I already saw myself +forced by want to quit her--to whom I had consecrated my future life, and +without whom I could not hope for happiness: thus was my soul continually +agitated, and hopes and fears devoured me alternately. + +Music was a passion less turbulent, but not less consuming, from the +ardor with which I attached myself to it, by the obstinate study of the +obscure books of Rameau; by an invincible resolution to charge my memory +with rules it could not contain; by continual application, and by long +and immense compilations which I frequently passed whole nights in +copying: but why dwell on these particularly, while every folly that took +possession of my wandering brain, the most transient ideas of a single +day, a journey, a concert, a supper, a walk, a novel to read, a play to +see, things in the world the least premeditated in my pleasures or +occupation became for me the most violent passions, which by their +ridiculous impetuosity conveyed the most serious torments; even the +imaginary misfortunes of Cleveland, read with avidity and frequent +interruption, have, I am persuaded, disordered me more than my own. + +There was a Genevese, named Bagueret, who had been employed under Peter +the Great, of the court of Russia, one of the most worthless, senseless +fellows I ever met with; full of projects as foolish as himself, which +were to rain down millions on those who took part in them. This man, +having come to Chambery on account of some suit depending before the +senate, immediately got acquainted with Madam de Warrens, and with great +reason on his side, since for those imaginary treasures that cost him +nothing, and which he bestowed with the utmost prodigality, he gained, +in exchange, the unfortunate crown pieces one by one out of her pocket. +I did not like him, and he plainly perceived this, for with me it is not +a very difficult discovery, nor did he spare any sort of meanness to gain +my good will, and among other things proposed teaching me to play at +chess, which game he understood something of. I made an attempt, though +almost against my inclination, and after several efforts, having learned +the march, my progress was so rapid, that before the end of the first +sitting I gave him the rook, which in the beginning he had given me. +Nothing more was necessary; behold me fascinated with chess! I buy a +board, with the rest of the apparatus, and shutting myself up in my +chamber, pass whole days and nights in studying all the varieties of the +game, being determined by playing alone, without end or relaxation, to +drive them into my head, right or wrong. After incredible efforts, +during two or three months passed in this curious employment, I go to the +coffee-house, thin, sallow, and almost stupid; I seat myself, and again +attack M. Bagueret: he beats me, once, twice, twenty times; so many +combinations were fermenting in my head, and my imagination was so +stupefied, that all appeared confusion. I tried to exercise myself with +Phitidor's or Stamina's book of instructions, but I was still equally +perplexed, and, after having exhausted myself with fatigue, was further +to seek than ever, and whether I abandoned my chess for a time, or +resolved to surmount every difficulty by unremitted practice, it was the +same thing. I could never advance one step beyond the improvement of the +first sitting, nay, I am convinced that had I studied it a thousand ages, +I should have ended by being able to give Bagueret the rook and nothing +more. + +It will be said my time was well employed, and not a little of it passed +in this occupation, nor did I quit my first essay till unable to persist +in it, for on leaving my apartment I had the appearance of a corpse, and +had I continued this course much longer I should certainly have been one. + +Any one will allow that it would have been extraordinary, especially in +the ardor of youth, that such a head should suffer the body to enjoy +continued health; the alteration of mine had an effect on my temper, +moderating the ardor of my chimerical fancies, for as I grew weaker they +became more tranquil, and I even lost, in some measure, my rage for +travelling. I was not seized with heaviness, but melancholy; vapors +succeeded passions, languor became sorrow: I wept and sighed without +cause, and felt my life ebbing away before I had enjoyed it. I only +trembled to think of the situation in which I should leave my dear Madam +de Warrens; and I can truly say, that quitting her, and leaving her in +these melancholy circumstances, was my only concern. At length I fell +quite ill, and was nursed by her as never mother nursed a child. The +care she took of me was of real utility to her affairs, since it diverted +her mind from schemes, and kept projectors at a distance. How pleasing +would death have been at that time, when, if I had not tasted many of the +pleasures of life, I had felt but few of its misfortunes. My tranquil +soul would have taken her flight, without having experienced those cruel +ideas of the injustice of mankind which embitters both life and death. +I should have enjoyed the sweet consolation that I still survived in the +dearer part of myself: in the situation I then was, it could hardly be +called death; and had I been divested of my uneasiness on her account, +it would have appeared but a gentle sleep; yet even these disquietudes +had such an affectionate and tender turn, that their bitterness was +tempered by a pleasing sensibility. I said to her, "You are the +depository of my whole being, act so that I may be happy." Two or three +times, when my disorder was most violent, I crept to her apartment to +give her my advice respecting her future conduct; and I dare affirm these +admonitions were both wise and equitable, in which the interest I took in +her future concerns was strongly marked. As if tears had been both +nourishment and medicine, I found myself the better for those I shed with +her, while seated on her bed-side, and holding her hands between mine. +The hours crept insensibly away in these nocturnal discourses; I returned +to my chamber better than I had quitted it, being content and calmed by +the promises she made, and the hopes with which she had inspired me: +I slept on them with my heart at peace, and fully resigned to the +dispensations of Providence. God grant, that after having had so many +reasons to hate life, after being agitated with so many storms, after it +has even become a burden, that death, which must terminate all, may be no +more terrible than it would have been at that moment! + +By inconceivable care and vigilance, she saved my life; and I am +convinced she alone could have done this. I have little faith in the +skill of physicians, but depend greatly on the assistance of real +friends, and am persuaded that being easy in those particulars on which +our happiness depends, is more salutary than any other application. If +there is a sensation in life peculiarly delightful, we experienced it in +being restored to each other; our mutual attachment did not increase, for +that was impossible, but it became, I know not how, more exquisitely +tender, fresh softness being added to its former simplicity. I became in +a manner her work; we got into the habit, though without design, of being +continually with each other, and enjoying, in some measure, our whole +existence together, feeling reciprocally that we were not only necessary, +but entirely sufficient for each other's happiness. Accustomed to think +of no subject foreign to ourselves, our happiness and all our desires +were confined to that pleasing and singular union, which, perhaps, had no +equal, which is not, as I have before observed, love, but a sentiment +inexpressibly more intimate, neither depending on the senses, age, nor +figure, but an assemblage of every endearing sensation that composes our +rational existence and which can cease only with our being. + +How was it that this delightful crisis did not secure our mutual felicity +for the remainder of her life and mine? I have the consoling conviction +that it was not my fault; nay, I am persuaded, she did not wilfully +destroy it; the invincible peculiarity of my disposition was doomed soon +to regain its empire; but this fatal return was not suddenly +accomplished, there was, thank Heaven, a short but precious interval, +that did not conclude by my fault, and which I cannot reproach myself +with having employed amiss. + +Though recovered from my dangerous illness, I did not regain my strength; +my stomach was weak, some remains of the fever kept me in a languishing +condition, and the only inclination I was sensible of, was to end my days +near one so truly dear to me; to confirm her in those good resolutions +she had formed; to convince her in what consisted the real charms of a +happy life, and, as far as depended on me, to render hers so; but I +foresaw that in a gloomy, melancholy house, the continual solitude of our +tete-a-tetes would at length become too dull and monotonous: a remedy +presented itself: Madam de Warrens had prescribed milk for me, and +insisted that I should take it in the country; I consented, provided she +would accompany me; nothing more was necessary to gain her compliance, +and whither we should go was all that remained to be determined on. Our +garden (which I have before mentioned) was not properly in the country, +being surrounded by houses and other gardens, and possessing none of +those attractions so desirable in a rural retreat; besides, after the +death of Anet, we had given up this place from economical principles, +feeling no longer a desire to rear plants, and other views making us not +regret the loss of that little retreat. Improving the distaste I found +she began to imbibe for the town, I proposed to abandon it entirely, and +settle ourselves in an agreeable solitude, in some small house, distant +enough from the city to avoid the perpetual intrusion of her hangers-on. +She followed my advice, and this plan, which her good angel and mine +suggested, might fully have secured our happiness and tranquility till +death had divided us--but this was not the state we were appointed to; +Madam de Warrens was destined to endure all the sorrows of indigence and +poverty, after having passed the former part of her life in abundance, +that she might learn to quit it with the less regret; and myself, by an +assemblage of misfortunes of all kinds, was to become a striking example +to those who, inspired with a love of justice and the public good, and +trusting too implicitly to their own innocence, shall openly dare to +assert truth to mankind, unsupported by cabals, or without having +previously formed parties to protect them. + +An unhappy fear furnished some objections to our plan: she did not dare +to quit her ill-contrived house, for fear of displeasing the proprietor. +"Your proposed retirement is charming," said she, "and much to my taste, +but we are necessitated to remain here, for, on quitting this dungeon, +I hazard losing the very means of life, and when these fail us in the +woods, we must again return to seek them in the city. That we may have +the least possible cause for being reduced to this necessity, let us not +leave this house entirely, but pay a small pension to the Count of Saint- +-Laurent, that he may continue mine. Let us seek some little habitation, +far enough from the town to be at peace, yet near enough to return when +it may appear convenient." + +This mode was finally adopted; and after some small search, we fixed at +Charmettes, on an estate belonging to M. de Conzie, at a very small +distance from Chambery; but as retired and solitary as if it had been a +hundred leagues off. The spot we had concluded on was a valley between +two tolerably high hills, which ran north and south; at the bottom, among +the trees and pebbles, ran a rivulet, and above the declivity, on either +side, were scattered a number of houses, forming altogether a beautiful +retreat for those who love a peaceful romantic asylum. After having +examined two or three of these houses, we chose that which we thought the +most pleasing, which was the property of a gentleman of the army, called +M. Noiret. This house was in good condition, before it a garden, forming +a terrace; below that on the declivity an orchard, and on the ascent, +behind the house, a vineyard: a little wood of chestnut trees opposite; a +fountain just by, and higher up the hill, meadows for the cattle; in +short, all that could be thought necessary for the country retirement we +proposed to establish. To the best of my remembrance, we took possession +of it toward the latter end of the summer Of 1736. I was delighted on +going to sleep there--"Oh!" said I, to this dear friend, embracing her +with tears of tenderness and delight, "this is the abode of happiness and +innocence; if we do not find them here together it will be in vain to +seek them elsewhere." + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Adopted the jargon of books, than the knowledge they contained +Dying for love without an object +Have the pleasure of seeing an ass ride on horseback +Idleness is as much the pest of society as of solitude +If you have nothing to do, you must absolutely speak continually +In a nation of blind men, those with one eye are kings +Injustice of mankind which embitters both life and death +Not so easy to quit her house as to enter it +Sin consisted only in the scandal +Trusting too implicitly to their own innocence +Voltaire was formed never to be (happy) +When everyone is busy, you may continue silent +Whose discourses began by a distribution of millions + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v5 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK VI. + + + Hoc erat in votis: Modus agri non ila magnus + Hortus ubi, et leclo vicinus aqua fons; + Et paululum sylvae superhis forel. + + +I cannot add, 'auctius acque di melius fecere'; but no matter, the former +is enough for my purpose; I had no occasion to have any property there, +it was sufficient that I enjoyed it; for I have long since both said and +felt, that the proprietor and possessor are two very different people, +even leaving husbands and lovers out of the question. + +At this moment began the short happiness of my life, those peaceful and +rapid moments, which have given me a right to say, I have lived. +Precious and ever--regretted moments! Ah! recommence your delightful +course; pass more slowly through my memory, if possible, than you +actually did in your fugitive succession. How shall I prolong, according +to my inclination, this recital at once so pleasing and simple? How +shall I continue to relate the same occurrences, without wearying my +readers with the repetition, any more than I was satiated with the +enjoyment? Again, if all this consisted of facts, actions, or words, I +could somehow or other convey an idea of it; but how shall I describe +what was neither said nor done, nor even thought, but enjoyed, felt, +without being able to particularize any other object of my happiness than +the bare idea? I rose with the sun, and was happy; I walked, and was +happy; I saw Madam de Warrens, and was happy; I quitted her, and still +was happy!--Whether I rambled through the woods, over the hills, or +strolled along the valley; read, was idle, worked in the garden, or +gathered fruits, happiness continually accompanied me; it was fixed on no +particular object, it was within me, nor could I depart from it a single +moment. + +Nothing that passed during that charming epocha, nothing that I did, +said, or thought, has escaped my memory. The time that preceded or +followed it, I only recollect by intervals, unequally and confused; but +here I remember all as distinctly as if it existed at this moment. +Imagination, which in my youth was perpetually anticipating the future, +but now takes a retrograde course, makes some amends by these charming +recollections for the deprivation of hope, which I have lost forever. +I no longer see anything in the future that can tempt my wishes, it is a +recollection of the past alone that can flatter me, and the remembrance +of the period I am now describing is so true and lively, that it +sometimes makes me happy, even in spite of my misfortunes. + +Of these recollections I shall relate one example, which may give some +idea of their force and precision. The first day we went to sleep at +Charmettes, the way being up-hill, and Madam de Warrens rather heavy, she +was carried in a chair, while I followed on foot. Fearing the chairmen +would be fatigued, she got out about half-way, designing to walk the rest +of it. As we passed along, she saw something blue in the hedge, and +said, "There's some periwinkle in flower yet!" I had never seen any +before, nor did I stop to examine this: my sight is too short to +distinguish plants on the ground, and I only cast a look at this as I +passed: an interval of near thirty years had elapsed before I saw any +more periwinkle, at least before I observed it, when being at Cressier in +1764, with my friend, M. du Peyrou, we went up a small mountain, on the +summit of which there is a level spot, called, with reason, 'Belle--vue', +I was then beginning to herbalize;--walking and looking among the bushes, +I exclaimed with rapture, "Ah, there's some periwinkle!" Du Peyrou, who +perceived my transport, was ignorant of the cause, but will some day be +informed: I hope, on reading this. The reader may judge by this +impression, made by so small an incident, what an effect must have been +produced by every occurrence of that time. + +Meantime, the air of the country did not restore my health; I was +languishing and became more so; I could not endure milk, and was obliged +to discontinue the use of it. Water was at this time the fashionable +remedy for every complaint; accordingly I entered on a course of it, and +so indiscreetly, that it almost released me, not only from my illness but +also from my life. The water I drank was rather hard and difficult to +pass, as water from mountains generally is; in short, I managed so well, +that in the coarse of two months I totally ruined my stomach, which until +that time had been very good, and no longer digesting anything properly, +had no reason to expect a cure. At this time an accident happened, as +singular in itself as in its subsequent consequences, which can only +terminate with my existence. + +One morning, being no worse than usual, while putting up the leaf of a +small table, I felt a sudden and almost inconceivable revolution +throughout my whole frame. I know not how to describe it better than as +a kind of tempest, which suddenly rose in my blood, and spread in a +moment over every part of my body. My arteries began beating so +violently that I not only felt their motion, but even heard it, +particularly that of the carotids, attended by a loud noise in my ears, +which was of three, or rather four, distinct kinds. For instance, first +a grave hollow buzzing; then a more distinct murmur, like the running of +water; then an extremely sharp hissing, attended by the beating I before +mentioned, and whose throbs I could easily count, without feeling my +pulse, or putting a hand to any part of my body. This internal tumult +was so violent that it has injured my auricular organs, and rendered me, +from that time, not entirely deaf, but hard of hearing. + +My surprise and fear may easily be conceived; imagining it was the stroke +of death, I went to bed, and the physician being sent for, trembling with +apprehension, I related my case; judging it past all cure. I believe the +doctor was of the same opinion; however he performed his office, running +over a long string of causes and effects beyond my comprehension, after +which, in consequence of this sublime theory, he set about, 'in anima +vili', the experimental part of his art, but the means he was pleased to +adopt in order to effect a cure were so troublesome, disgusting, and +followed by so little effect, that I soon discontinued it, and after some +weeks, finding I was neither better nor worse, left my bed, and returned +to my usual method of living; but the beating of my arteries and the +buzzing in my ears has never quitted me a moment during the thirty years' +time which has elapsed since that time. + +Till now, I had been a great sleeper, but a total privation of repose, +with other alarming symptoms which have accompanied it, even to this +time, persuaded me I had but a short time to live. This idea +tranquillized me for a time: I became less anxious about a cure, and +being persuaded I could not prolong life, determined to employ the +remainder of it as usefully as possible. This was practicable by a +particular indulgence of Nature, which, in this melancholy state, +exempted me from sufferings which it might have been supposed I should +have experienced. I was incommoded by the noise, but felt no pain, nor +was it accompanied by any habitual inconvenience, except nocturnal +wakefulness, and at all times a shortness of breath, which is not violent +enough to be called an asthma, but was troublesome when I attempted to +run, or use any degree of exertion. + +This accident, which seemed to threaten the dissolution of my body, only +killed my passions, and I have reason to thank Heaven for the happy +effect produced by it on my soul. I can truly say, I only began to live +when I considered myself as entering the grave; for, estimating at their +real value those things I was quitting; I began to employ myself on +nobler objects, namely by anticipating those I hoped shortly to have the +contemplation of, and which I had hitherto too much neglected. I had +often made light of religion, but was never totally devoid of it; +consequently, it cost me less pain to employ my thoughts on that subject, +which is generally thought melancholy, though highly pleasing to those +who make it an object of hope and consolation; Madam de Warrens, +therefore, was more useful to me on this occasion than all the +theologians in the world would have been. + +She, who brought everything into a system, had not failed to do as much +by religion; and this system was composed of ideas that bore no affinity +to each other. Some were extremely good, and others very ridiculous, +being made up of sentiments proceeding from her disposition, and +prejudices derived from education. Men, in general, make God like +themselves; the virtuous make Him good, and the profligate make Him +wicked; ill-tempered and bilious devotees see nothing but hell, because +they would willingly damn all mankind; while loving and gentle souls +disbelieve it altogether; and one of the astonishments I could never +overcome, is to see the good Fenelon speak of it in his Telemachus as if +he really gave credit to it; but I hope he lied in that particular, for +however strict he might be in regard to truth, a bishop absolutely must +lie sometimes. Madam de Warrens spoke truth with me, and that soul, made +up without gall, who could not imagine a revengeful and ever angry God, +saw only clemency and forgiveness, where devotees bestowed inflexible +justice, and eternal punishment. + +She frequently said there would be no justice in the Supreme Being should +He be strictly just to us; because, not having bestowed what was +necessary to render us essentially good, it would be requiring more than +he had given. The most whimsical idea was, that not believing in hell, +she was firmly persuaded of the reality of purgatory. This arose from +her not knowing what to do with the wicked, being loathed to damn them +utterly, nor yet caring to place them with the good till they had become +so; and we must really allow, that both in this world and the next, the +wicked are very troublesome company. + +It is clearly seen that the doctrine of original sin and the redemption +of mankind is destroyed by this system; consequently that the basis of +the Christian dispensation, as generally received, is shaken, and that +the Catholic faith cannot subsist with these principles; Madam de +Warrens, notwithstanding, was a good Catholic, or at least pretended to +be one, and certainly desired to become such, but it appeared to her that +the Scriptures were too literally and harshly explained, supposing that +all we read of everlasting torments were figurative threatenings, and the +death of Jesus Christ an example of charity, truly divine, which should +teach mankind to love God and each other; in a word, faithful to the +religion she had embraced, she acquiesced in all its professions of +faith, but on a discussion of each particular article, it was plain she +thought diametrically opposite to that church whose doctrines she +professed to believe. In these cases she exhibited simplicity of art, a +frankness more eloquent than sophistry, which frequently embarrassed her +confessor; for she disguised nothing from him. "I am a good Catholic," +she would say, "and will ever remain so; I adopt with all the powers of +my soul the decisions of our holy Mother Church; I am not mistress of my +faith, but I am of my will, which I submit to you without reserve; I will +endeavor to believe all,--what can you require more?" + +Had there been no Christian morality established, I am persuaded she +would have lived as if regulated by its principles, so perfectly did they +seem to accord with her disposition. She did everything that was +required; and she would have done the same had there been no such +requisition: but all this morality was subordinate to the principles of +M. Tavel, or rather she pretended to see nothing in religion that +contradicted them; thus she would have favored twenty lovers in a day, +without any idea of a crime, her conscience being no more moved in that +particular than her passions. I know that a number of devotees are not +more scrupulous, but the difference is, they are seduced by constitution, +she was blinded by her sophisms. In the midst of conversations the most +affecting, I might say the most edifying, she would touch on this +subject, without any change of air or manner, and without being sensible +of any contradiction in her opinions; so much was she persuaded that our +restrictions on that head are merely political, and that any person of +sense might interpret, apply, or make exceptions to them, without any +danger of offending the Almighty. + +Though I was far enough from being of the same opinion in this +particular, I confess I dared not combat hers; indeed, as I was situated, +it would have been putting myself in rather awkward circumstances, since +I could only have sought to establish my opinion for others, myself being +an exception. Besides, I entertained but little hopes of making her +alter hers, which never had any great influence on her conduct, and at +the time I am speaking of none; but I have promised faithfully to +describe her principles, and I will perform my engagement--I now return +to myself. + +Finding in her all those ideas I had occasion for to secure me from the +fears of death and its future consequences, I drew confidence and +security from this source; my attachment became warmer than ever, and I +would willingly have transmitted to her my whole existence, which seemed +ready to abandon me. From this redoubled attachment, a persuasion that I +had but a short time to live, and profound security on my future state, +arose an habitual and even pleasing serenity, which, calming every +passion that extends our hopes and fears, made me enjoy without +inquietude or concern the few days which I imagined remained for me. +What contributed to render them still snore agreeable was an endeavor to +encourage her rising taste for the country, by every amusement I could +possibly devise, wishing to attach her to her garden, poultry, pigeons, +and cows: I amused myself with them and these little occupations, which +employed my time without injuring my tranquillity, were more serviceable +than a milk diet, or all the remedies bestowed on my poor shattered +machine, even to effecting the utmost possible reestablishment of it. + +The vintage and gathering in our fruit employed the remainder of the +year; we became more and more attached to a rustic life, and the society +of our honest neighbors. We saw the approach of winter with regret, and +returned to the city as if going into exile. To me this return was +particularly gloomy, who never expected to see the return of spring, and +thought I took an everlasting leave of Charmettes. I did not quit it +without kissing the very earth and trees, casting back many a wishful +look as I went towards Chambery. + +Having left my scholars for so long a time, and lost my relish for the +amusements of the town, I seldom went out, conversing only with Madam de +Warrens and a Monsieur Salomon, who had lately become our physician. He +was an honest man, of good understanding, a great Cartesian, spoke +tolerably well on the system of the world, and his agreeable and +instructive conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions. +I could never bear that foolish trivial mode of conversation which is so +generally adopted; but useful instructive discourse has always given me +great pleasure, nor was I ever backward to join in it. I was much +pleased with that of M. Salomon; it appeared to me, that when in his +company, I anticipated the acquisition of that sublime knowledge which my +soul would enjoy when freed from its mortal fetters. The inclination I +had for him extended to the subjects which he treated on, and I began to +look after books which might better enable me to understand his +discourse. Those which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable +to me, particularly Port Royal's Oratory, and I began to read or rather +to devour them. One fell into my hands written by Father Lami, called +'Entretiens sur les Sciences', which was a kind of introduction to the +knowledge of those books it treated of. I read it over a hundred times, +and resolved to make this my guide; in short, I found (notwithstanding my +ill state of health) that I was irresistibly drawn towards study, and +though looking on each day as the last of my life, read with as much +avidity as if certain I was to live forever. + +I was assured that reading would injure me; but on the contrary, I am +rather inclined to think it was serviceable, not only to my soul, but +also to my body; for this application, which soon became delightful, +diverted my thoughts from my disorders, and I soon found myself much less +affected by them. It is certain, however, that nothing gave me absolute +ease, but having no longer any acute pain, I became accustomed to +languishment and wakefulness; to thinking instead of acting; in short, I +looked on the gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably progressive +and only to be terminated by death. + +This opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life, but +delivered me from the importunity of medicine, to which hitherto, I had +been forced to submit, though contrary to my inclination. Salomon, +convinced that his drugs were unavailing, spared me the disagreeable task +of taking them, and contented himself with amusing the grief of my poor +Madam de Warrens by some of those harmless preparations, which serve to +flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the doctor. +I discontinued the strict regimen I had latterly observed, resumed the +use of wine, and lived in every respect like a man in perfect health, +as far as my strength would permit, only being careful to run into no +excess; I even began to go out and visit my acquaintance, particularly +M. de Conzie, whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me. Whether +it struck me as heroic to study to my last hour, or that some hopes of +life yet lingered in the bottom of my heart, I cannot tell, but the +apparent certainty of death, far from relaxing my inclination for +improvement, seemed to animate it, and I hastened to acquire knowledge +for the other world, as if convinced I should only possess that portion I +could carry with me. I took a liking to the shop of a bookseller, whose +name was Bouchard, which was frequented by some men of letters, and as +the spring (whose return I had never expected to see again) was +approaching, furnished myself with some books for Charmettes, in case I +should have the happiness to return there. + +I had that happiness, and enjoyed it to the utmost extent. The rapture +with which I saw the trees put out their first bud, is inexpressible! +The return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into +paradise. The snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon +and returned to Charmettes, to enjoy the first warblings of the +nightingale. I now thought no more of dying, and it is really singular, +that from this time I never experienced any dangerous illness in the +country. I have suffered greatly, but never kept my bed, and have often +said to those about me, on finding myself worse than ordinary, "Should +you see me at the point of death, carry me under the shade of an oak, and +I promise you I shall recover." + +Though weak, I resumed my country occupations, as far as my strength +would permit, and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage our +garden without help; for I could not take five or six strokes with the +spade without being out of breath and overcome with perspiration; when I +stooped the beating redoubled, and the blood flew with such violence to +my head, that I was instantly obliged to stand upright. Being therefore +confined to less fatiguing employments, I busied myself about the dove-- +house, and was so pleased with it that I sometimes passed several hours +there without feeling a moment's weariness. The pigeon is very timid and +difficult to tame, yet I inspired mine with so much confidence that they +followed me everywhere, letting me catch them at pleasure, nor could I +appear in the garden without having two or three on my arms or head in an +instant, and notwithstanding the pleasure I took in them, their company +became so troublesome that I was obliged to lessen the familiarity. I +have ever taken great pleasure in taming animals, particularly those that +are wild and fearful. It appeared delightful to me, to inspire them with +a confidence which I took care never to abuse, wishing them to love me +freely. + +I have already mentioned that I purchased some books: I did not forget to +read them, but in a manner more proper to fatigue than instruct me. +I imagined that to read a book profitably, it was necessary to be +acquainted with every branch of knowledge it even mentioned; far from +thinking that the author did not do this himself, but drew assistance +from other books, as he might see occasion. Full of this silly idea, I +was stopped every moment, obliged to run from one book to another, and +sometimes, before I could reach the tenth page of what I was studying, +found it necessary to turn over a whole library. I was so attached to +this ridiculous method, that I lost a prodigious deal of time and had +bewildered my head to such a degree, that I was hardly capable of doing, +seeing or comprehending anything. I fortunately perceived, at length, +that I was in the wrong road, which would entangle me in an inextricable +labyrinth, and quitted it before I was irrevocably lost. + +When a person has any real taste for the sciences, the first thing he +perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they +mutually attract, assist, and enlighten each other, and that it is +impossible to attain one without the assistance of the rest. Though the +human understanding cannot grasp all, and one must ever be regarded as +the principal object, yet if the rest are totally neglected, the favorite +study is generally obscure; I was convinced that my resolution to improve +was good and useful in itself, but that it was necessary I should change +my method; I, therefore, had recourse to the encyclopaedia. I began by a +distribution of the general mass of human knowledge into its various +branches, but soon discovered that I must pursue a contrary course, that +I must take each separately, and trace it to that point where it united +with the rest: thus I returned to the general synthetical method, but +returned thither with a conviction that I was going right. Meditation +supplied the want of knowledge, and a very natural reflection gave +strength to my resolutions, which was, that whether I lived or died, I +had no time to lose; for having learned but little before the age of +five-and-twenty, and then resolving to learn everything, was engaging to +employ the future time profitably. I was ignorant at what point accident +or death might put a period to my endeavors, and resolved at all events +to acquire with the utmost expedition some idea of every species of +knowledge, as well to try my natural disposition, as to judge for myself +what most deserved cultivation. + +In the execution of my plan, I experienced another advantage which I had +never thought of; this was, spending a great deal of time profitably. +Nature certainly never meant me for study, since attentive application +fatigues me so much, that I find it impossible to employ myself half an +hour together intently on any one subject; particularly while following +another person's ideas, for it has frequently happened that I have +pursued my own for a much longer period with success. After reading a +few pages of an author with close application, my understanding is +bewildered, and should I obstinately continue, I tire myself to no +purpose, a stupefaction seizes me, and I am no longer conscious of what I +read; but in a succession of various subjects, one relieves me from the +fatigue of the other, and without finding respite necessary, I can follow +them with pleasure. + +I took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies, taking +care to intermingle them in such a manner that I was never weary: it is +true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many pleasing +relaxations; but as my eagerness for improvement increased, I contrived +to find opportunities for my studies, frequently employing myself about +two things at the same time, without reflecting that both were +consequently neglected. + +In relating so many trifling details, which delight me, but frequently +tire my reader, I make use of the caution to suppress a great number, +though, perhaps, he would have no idea of this, if I did not take care to +inform him of it: for example, I recollect with pleasure all the +different methods I adopted for the distribution of my time, in such a +manner as to produce the utmost profit and pleasure. I may say, that the +portion of my life which I passed in this retirement, though in continual +ill-health, was that in which I was least idle and least wearied. Two or +three months were thus employed in discovering the bent of my genius; +meantime, I enjoyed, in the finest season of the year, and in a spot it +rendered delightful, the charms of a life whose worth I was so highly +sensible of, in such a society, as free as it was charming; if a union so +perfect, and the extensive knowledge I purposed to acquire, can be called +society. It seemed to me as if I already possessed the improvements I +was only in pursuit of: or rather better, since the pleasure of learning +constituted a great part of my happiness. + +I must pass over these particulars, which were to me the height of +enjoyment, but are too trivial to bear repeating: indeed, true happiness +is indescribable, it is only to be felt, and this consciousness of +felicity is proportionately more, the less able we are to describe it; +because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favorable +incidents, but is an affection of the mind itself. I am frequently +guilty of repetitions, but should be infinitely more so, did I repeat the +same thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind. When at +length my variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course, the +following was nearly the distribution of time which I adopted: I rose +every morning before the sun, and passed through a neighboring orchard +into a pleasant path, which, running by a vineyard, led towards Chambery. +While walking, I offered up my prayers, not by a vain motion of the lips, +but a sincere elevation of my heart, to the Great Author of delightful +nature, whose beauties were so charmingly spread out before me! I never +love to pray in a chamber; it seems to me that the walls and all the +little workmanship of man interposed between God and myself: I love to +contemplate Him in his works, which elevate my soul, and raise my +thoughts to Him. My prayers were pure, I can affirm it, and therefore +worthy to be heard:--I asked for myself and her from whom my thoughts +were never divided, only an innocent and quiet life, exempt from vice, +sorrow and want; I prayed that we might die the death of the just, and +partake of their lot hereafter: for the rest, it was rather admiration +and contemplation than request, being satisfied that the best means to +obtain what is necessary from the Giver of every perfect good, is rather +to deserve than to solicit. Returning from my walk, I lengthened the way +by taking a roundabout path, still contemplating with earnestness and +delight the beautiful scenes with which I was surrounded, those only +objects that never fatigue either the eye or the heart. As I approached +our habitation, I looked forward to see if Madam de Warrens was stirring, +and when I perceived her shutters open, I even ran with joy towards the +house: if they were yet shut I went into the garden to wait their +opening, amusing myself, meantime, by a retrospection of what I had read +the preceding evening, or in gardening. The moment the shutter drew back +I hastened to embrace her, frequently half asleep; and this salute, pure +as it was affectionate, even from its innocence, possessed a charm which +the senses can never bestow. We usually breakfasted on milk-coffee; this +was the time of day when we had most leisure, and when we chatted with +the greatest freedom. These sittings, which were usually pretty long, +have given me a fondness for breakfasts, and I infinitely prefer those of +England, or Switzerland, which are considered as a meal, at which all the +family assemble, than those of France, where they breakfast alone in +their several apartments, or more frequently have none at all. After an +hour or two passed in discourse, I went to my study till dinner; +beginning with some philosophical work, such as the logic of Port-Royal, +Locke's Essays, Mallebranche, Leibtnitz, Descartes, etc. I soon found +that these authors perpetually contradict each other, and formed the +chimerical project of reconciling them, which cost me much labor and loss +of time, bewildering my head without any profit. At length (renouncing +this idea) I adopted one infinitely more profitable, to which I attribute +all the progress I have since made, notwithstanding the defects of my +capacity; for 'tis certain I had very little for study. On reading each +author, I acquired a habit of following all his ideas, without suffering +my own or those of any other writer to interfere with them, or entering +into any dispute on their utility. I said to myself, "I will begin by +laying up a stock of ideas, true or false, but clearly conceived, till my +understanding shall be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and +make choice of those that are most estimable." I am sensible this method +is not without its inconveniences, but it succeeded in furnishing me with +a fund of instruction. Having passed some years in thinking after +others, without reflection, and almost without reasoning, I found myself +possessed of sufficient materials to set about thinking on my own +account, and when journeys of business deprived me of the opportunities +of consulting books, I amused myself with recollecting and comparing what +I had read, weighing every opinion on the balance of reason, and +frequently judging my masters. Though it was late before I began to +exercise my judicial faculties, I have not discovered that they had lost +their vigor, and on publishing my own ideas, have never been accused of +being a servile disciple or of swearing 'in verba magistri'. + +From these studies I passed to the elements of geometry, for I never went +further, forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same ground a +hundred and a hundred times over. I did not admire Euclid, who rather +seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas: I preferred +the geometry of Father Lama, who from that time became one of my favorite +authors, and whose works I yet read with pleasure. Algebra followed, and +Father Lama was still my guide: when I made some progress, I perused +Father Reynaud's Science of Calculation, and then his Analysis +Demonstrated; but I never went far enough thoroughly to understand the +application of algebra to geometry. I was not pleased with this method +of performing operations by rule without knowing what I was about: +resolving geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like +playing a tune by turning round a handle. The first time I found by +calculation that the square of a binocular figure was composed of the +square of each of its parts, and double the product of one by the other; +though convinced that my multiplication was right, I could not be +satisfied till I had made and examined the figure: not but I admire +algebra when applied to abstract quantities, but when used to demonstrate +dimensions, I wished to see the operation, and unless explained by lines, +could not rightly comprehend it. + +After this came Latin: it was my most painful study, and in which I never +made great progress. I began by Port-Royal's Rudiments, but without +success; I lost myself in a crowd of rules; and in studying the last +forgot all that preceded it. A study of words is not calculated for a +man without memory, and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory +more retentive, that urged me obstinately to persist in this study, which +at length I was obliged to relinquish. As I understood enough to read an +easy author by the aid of a dictionary, I followed that method, and found +it succeed tolerably well. I likewise applied myself to translation, not +by writing, but mentally, and by exercise and perseverance attained to +read Latin authors easily, but have never been able to speak or write +that language, which has frequently embarrassed me when I have found +myself (I know not by what means) enrolled among men of letters. + +Another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is, that I +never understood prosody, much less the rules of versification; yet, +anxious to understand the harmony of the language, both in prose and +verse, I have made many efforts to obtain it, but am convinced, that +without a master it is almost impossible. Having learned the composition +of the hexameter, which is the easiest of all verses, I had the patience +to measure out the greater part of Virgil into feet and quantity, and +whenever I was dubious whether a syllable was long or short, immediately +consulted my Virgil. It may easily be conceived that I ran into many +errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of +versification; and it is certain, that if there is an advantage in +studying alone, there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable +labor, as I have experienced more than any one. + +At twelve I quitted my books, and if dinner was not ready, paid my +friends, the pigeons, a visit, or worked in the garden till it was, and +when I heard myself called, ran very willingly, and with a good appetite +to partake of it, for it is very remarkable, that let me be ever so +indisposed my appetite never fails. We dined very agreeably, chatting +till Madam de Warrens could eat. Two or three times a week, when it was +fine, we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house, that I +had decorated with hops, and which was very refreshing during the heat; +we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables, or in +conversation relative to our manner of life, which greatly increased the +pleasure of it. I had another little family at the end of the garden; +these were several hives of bees, which I never failed to visit once a +day, and was frequently accompanied by Madam de Warrens. I was greatly +interested in their labor, and amused myself seeing them return to the +hives, their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they +could hardly walk. At first, curiosity made me indiscreet, and they +stung me several times, but afterwards, we were so well acquainted, that +let me approach as near as I would, they never molested me, though the +hives were full and the bees ready to swarm. At these times I have been +surrounded, having them on my hands and face without apprehending any +danger. All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason, but when +once assured he does not mean to injure them, their confidence becomes so +great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it. + +After this I returned to my books; but my afternoon employment ought +rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement, than labor or study. +I have never been able to bear application after dinner, and in general +any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the day. I +employed myself, 'tis true, but without restraint or rule, and read +without studying. What I most attended to at these times, was history +and geography, and as these did not require intense application, made as +much progress in them as my weak memory would permit. I had an +inclination to study Father Petau, and launched into the gloom of +chronology, but was disgusted at the critical part, which I found had +neither bottom nor banks; this made me prefer the more exact measurement +of time by the course of the celestial bodies. I should even have +contracted a fondness for astronomy, had I been in possession of +instruments, but was obliged to content myself with some of the elements +of that art, learned from books, and a few rude observations made with a +telescope, sufficient only to give me a general idea of the situation of +the heavenly bodies; for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish +the stars without the help of a glass. + +I recollect an adventure on this subject, the remembrance of which has +often diverted me. I had bought a celestial planisphere to study the +constellations by, and, having fixed it on a frame, when the nights were +fine and the sky clear, I went into the garden; and fixing the frame on +four sticks, something higher than myself, which I drove into the ground, +turned the planisphere downwards, and contrived to light it by means of a +candle (which I put in a pail to prevent the wind from blowing it out) +and then placed in the centre of the above--mentioned four supporters; +this done, I examined the stars with my glass, and from time to time +referring to my planisphere, endeavored to distinguish the various +constellations. I think I have before observed that our garden was on a +terrace, and lay open to the road. One night, some country people +passing very late, saw me in a most grotesque habit, busily employed in +these observations: the light, which struck directly on the planisphere, +proceeding from a cause they could not divine (the candle being concealed +by the sides of the pail), the four stakes supporting a large paper, +marked over with various uncouth figures, with the motion of the +telescope, which they saw turning backwards and forwards, gave the whole +an air of conjuration that struck them with horror and amazement. My +figure was by no means calculated to dispel their fears; a flapped hat +put on over my nightcap, and a short cloak about my shoulder (which Madam +de Warrens had obliged me to put on) presented in their idea the image of +a real sorcerer. Being near midnight, they made no doubt but this was +the beginning of some diabolical assembly, and having no curiosity to pry +further into these mysteries, they fled with all possible speed, awakened +their neighbors, and described this most dreadful vision. The story +spread so fast that the next day the whole neighborhood was informed that +a nocturnal assembly of witches was held in the garden that belonged to +Monsieur Noiret, and I am ignorant what might have been the consequence +of this rumor if one of the countrymen who had been witness to my +conjurations had not the same day carried his complaint to two Jesuits, +who frequently came to visit us, and who, without knowing the foundation +of the story, undeceived and satisfied them. These Jesuits told us the +whole affair, and I acquainted them with the cause of it, which +altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh. However, I resolved for the +future to make my observations without light, and consult my planisphere +in the house. Those who have read Venetian magic, in the 'Letters from +the Mountain', may find that I long since had the reputation of being a +conjurer. + +Such was the life I led at Charmettes when I had no rural employments, +for they ever had the preference, and in those that did not exceed my +strength, I worked like a peasant; but my extreme weakness left me little +except the will; besides, as I have before observed, I wished to do two +things at once, and therefore did neither well. I obstinately persisted +in forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart, and for that +purpose, I always carried some book with me, which, while at work, +I studied with inconceivable labor. I was continually repeating +something, and am really amazed that the fatigue of these vain and +continual efforts did not render me entirely stupid. I must have learned +and relearned the Eclogues of Virgil twenty times over, though at this +time I cannot recollect a single line of them. I have lost or spoiled a +great number of books by a custom I had of carrying them with me into the +dove-house, the garden, orchard or vineyard, when, being busy about +something else, I laid my book at the foot of a tree, on the hedge, or +the first place that came to hand, and frequently left them there, +finding them a fortnight after, perhaps, rotted to pieces, or eaten by +the ants or snails; and this ardor for learning became so far a madness +that it rendered me almost stupid, and I was perpetually muttering some +passage or other to myself. + +The writings of Port-Royal, and those of the Oratory, being what I most +read, had made me half a Jansenist, and, notwithstanding all my +confidence, their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me. A dread of hell, +which till then I had never much apprehended, by little and little +disturbed my security, and had not Madam de Warrens tranquillized my +soul, would at length have been too much for me. My confessor, who was +hers likewise, contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes. This +was a Jesuit, named Father Hemet; a good and wise old man, whose memory +I shall ever hold in veneration. Though a Jesuit, he had the simplicity +of a child, and his manners, less relaxed than gentle, were precisely +what was necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by +Jansenism. This good man and his companion, Father Coppier, came +frequently to visit us at Charmette, though the road was very rough and +tedious for men of their age. These visits were very comfortable to me, +which may the Almighty return to their souls, for they were so old that I +cannot suppose them yet living. I sometimes went to see them at +Chambery, became acquainted at their convent, and had free access to the +library. The remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the +idea of those Jesuits, that I love one on account of the other, and +though I have ever thought their doctrines dangerous, could never find +myself in a disposition to hate them cordially. + +I should like to know whether there ever passed such childish notions in +the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine. In the midst of my +studies, and of a life as innocent as man could lead, notwithstanding +every persuasion to the contrary, the dread of hell frequently tormented +me. I asked myself, "What state am I in? Should I die at this instant, +must I be damned?" According to my Jansenists the matter was +indubitable, but according to my conscience it appeared quite the +contrary: terrified and floating in this cruel uncertainty, I had +recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve my doubts, for which +I would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic should I see him practise +the same folly. One day, meditating on this melancholy subject, +I exercised myself in throwing stones at the trunks of trees, with my +usual dexterity, that is to say, without hitting any of them. In the +height of this charming exercise, it entered my mind to make a kind of +prognostic, that might calm my inquietude; I said, "I will throw this +stone at the tree facing me; if I hit my mark, I will consider it as a +sign of salvation; if I miss, as a token of damnation." While I said +this, I threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so +happily that it struck the body of the tree, which truly was not a +difficult matter, for I had taken care to choose one that was very large +and very near me. From that moment I never doubted my salvation: I know +not on recollecting this trait, whether I ought to laugh or shudder at +myself. Ye great geniuses, who surely laugh at my folly, congratulate +yourselves on your superior wisdom, but insult not my unhappiness, for I +swear to you that I feel it most sensibly. + +These troubles, these alarms, inseparable, perhaps, from devotion, were +only at intervals; in general, I was tranquil, and the impression made on +my soul by the idea of approaching death, was less that of melancholy +than a peaceful languor, which even had its pleasures. I have found +among my old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which I made +to myself on dying at an age when I had the courage to meet death with +serenity, without having experienced any great evils, either of body or +mind. How much justice was there in the thought! A preconception of +what I had to suffer made me fear to live, and it seemed that I dreaded +the fate which must attend my future days. I have never been so near +wisdom as during this period, when I felt no great remorse for the past, +nor tormenting fear for the future; the reigning sentiment of my soul +being the enjoyment of the present. Serious people usually possess a +lively sensuality, which makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures +that are allowed them. Worldlings (I know not why) impute this to them +as a crime: or rather, I well know the cause of this imputation, it is +because they envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure delights +which they have lost the relish of. I had these inclinations, and found +it charming to gratify them in security of conscience. My yet +inexperienced heart gave in to all with the calm happiness of a child, +or rather (if I dare use the expression) with the raptures of an angel; +for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of paradise. +Dinners on the grass at Montagnole, suppers in our arbor, gathering in +the fruits, the vintage, a social meeting with our neighbors; all these +were so many holidays, in which Madam de Warrens took as much pleasure as +myself. Solitary walks afforded yet purer pleasure, because in them our +hearts expanded with greater freedom: one particularly remains in my +memory; it was on a St. Louis' day, whose name Madam de Warrens bore: we +set out together early and unattended, after having heard a mass at break +of day in a chapel adjoining our house, from a Carmelite, who attended +for that purpose. As I proposed walking over the hills opposite our +dwelling, which we had not yet visited, we sent our provisions on before; +the excursion being to last the whole day. Madam de Warrens, though +rather corpulent, did not walk ill, and we rambled from hill to hill and +wood to wood, sometimes in the sun, but oftener in the shade, resting +from time to time, and regardless how the hours stole away; speaking of +ourselves, of our union, of the gentleness of our fate, and offering up +prayers for its duration, which were never heard. Everything conspired +to augment our happiness: it had rained for several days previous to +this, there was no dust, the brooks were full and rapid, a gentle breeze +agitated the leaves, the air was pure, the horizon free from clouds, +serenity reigned in the sky as in our hearts. Our dinner was prepared at +a peasant's house, and shared with him and his family, whose benedictions +we received. These poor Savoyards are the worthiest of people! After +dinner we regained the shade, and while I was picking up bits of dried +sticks, to boil our coffee, Madam de Warrens amused herself with +herbalizing among the bushes, and with the flowers I had gathered for her +in my way. She made me remark in their construction a thousand natural +beauties, which greatly amused me, and which ought to have given me a +taste for botany; but the time was not yet come, and my attention was +arrested by too many other studies. Besides this, an idea struck me, +which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants: the situation of my +mind at that moment, all that we had said or done that day, every object +that had struck me, brought to my remembrance the kind of waking dream I +had at Annecy seven or eight years before, and which I have given an +account of in its place. The similarity was so striking that it affected +me even to tears: in a transport of tenderness I embraced Madam de +Warrens. "My dearest friend," said I, "this day has long since been +promised me: I can see nothing beyond it: my happiness, by your means, +is at its height; may it never decrease; may it continue as long as I am +sensible of its value-then it can only finish with my life." + +Thus happily passed my days, and the more happily as I perceived nothing +that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion; not that the cause of +my former uneasiness had absolutely ceased, but I saw it take another +course, which I directed with my utmost care to useful objects, that the +remedy might accompany the evil. Madam de Warrens naturally loved the +country, and this taste did not cool while with me. By little and little +she contracted a fondness for rustic employments, wished to make the most +of her land, and had in that particular a knowledge which she practised +with pleasure. + +Not satisfied with what belonged to the house, she hired first a field, +then a meadow, transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of +agriculture, and instead of remaining unemployed in the house, was in the +way of becoming a complete farmer. I was not greatly pleased to see this +passion increase, and endeavored all I could to oppose it; for I was +certain she would be deceived, and that her liberal extravagant +disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her profits; +however, I consoled myself by thinking the produce could not be useless, +and would at least help her to live. Of all the projects she could form, +this appeared the least ruinous: without regarding it, therefore, in the +light she did, as a profitable scheme, I considered it as a perpetual +employment, which would keep her from more ruinous enterprises, and out +of the reach of impostors. With this idea, I ardently wished to recover +my health and strength, that I might superintend her affairs, overlook +her laborers, or, rather, be the principal one myself. The exercise this +naturally obliged me to take, with the relaxation it procured me from +books and study, was serviceable to my health. + +The winter following, Barillot returning from Italy, brought me some +books; and among others, the 'Bontempi' and 'la Cartella per Musica', of +Father Banchieri; these gave me a taste for the history of music and for +the theoretical researches of that pleasing art. Barillot remained some +time with us, and as I had been of age some months, I determined to go to +Geneva the following spring, and demand my mother's inheritance, or at +least that part which belonged to me, till it could be ascertained what +had become of my brother. This plan was executed as it had been +resolved: I went to Geneva; my father met me there, for he had +occasionally visited Geneva a long time since, without its being +particularly noticed, though the decree that had been pronounced against +him had never been reversed; but being esteemed for his courage, and +respected for his probity, the situation of his affairs was pretended to +be forgotten; or perhaps, the magistrates, employed with the great +project that broke out some little time after, were not willing to alarm +the citizens by recalling to their memory, at an improper time, this +instance of their former partiality. + +I apprehended that I should meet with difficulties, on account of having +changed my religion, but none occurred; the laws of Geneva being less +harsh in that particular than those of Berne, where, whoever changes his +religion, not only loses his freedom, but his property. My rights, +however, were not disputed: but I found my patrimony, I know not how, +reduced to very little, and though it was known almost to a certainty +that my brother was dead, yet, as there was no legal proof, I could not +lay claim to his share, which I left without regret to my father, who +enjoyed it as long as he lived. No sooner were the necessary formalities +adjusted, and I had received my money, some of which I expended in books, +than I flew with the remainder to Madam de Warrens; my heart beat with +joy during the journey, and the moment in which I gave the money into her +hands, was to me a thousand times more delightful than that which gave it +into mine. She received this with a simplicity common to great souls, +who, doing similar actions without effort, see them without admiration; +indeed it was almost all expended for my use, for it would have been +employed in the same manner had it come from any other quarter. + +My health was not yet re-established; I decayed visibly, was pale as +death, and reduced to an absolute skeleton; the beating of my arteries +was extreme, my palpitations were frequent: I was sensible of a continual +oppression, and my weakness became at length so great, that I could +scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation, stoop without +vertigoes, or lift even the smallest weight, which reduced me to the most +tormenting inaction for a man so naturally stirring as myself. It is +certain my disorder was in a great measure hypochondriacal. The vapors +is a malady common to people in fortunate situations: the tears I +frequently shed, without reason; the lively alarms I felt on the falling +of a leaf, or the fluttering of a bird; inequality of humor in the calm +of a most pleasing life; lassitude which made me weary even of happiness, +and carried sensibility to extravagance, were an instance of this. We +are so little formed for felicity, that when the soul and body do not +suffer together, they must necessarily endure separate inconveniences, +the good state of the one being almost always injurious to the happiness +of the other. Had all the pleasure of life courted me, my weakened frame +would not have permitted the enjoyment of them, without my being able to +particularize the real seat of my complaint; yet in the decline of life; +after having encountered very serious and real evils, my body seemed to +regain its strength, as if on purpose to encounter additional +misfortunes; and, at the moment I write this, though infirm, near sixty, +and overwhelmed with every kind of sorrow, I feel more ability to suffer +than I ever possessed for enjoyment when in the very flower of my age, +and in the bosom of real happiness. + +To complete me, I had mingled a little physiology among my other +readings: I set about studying anatomy, and considering the multitude, +movement, and wonderful construction of the various parts that composed +the human machine; my apprehensions were instantly increased, I expected +to feel mine deranged twenty times a day, and far from being surprised to +find myself dying, was astonished that I yet existed! I could not read +the description of any malady without thinking it mine, and, had I not +been already indisposed, I am certain I should have become so from this +study. Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine, I fancied I +had them all, and, at length, gained one more troublesome than any I yet +suffered, which I had thought myself delivered from; this was, a violent +inclination to seek a cure; which it is very difficult to suppress, when +once a person begins reading physical books. By searching, reflecting, +and comparing, I became persuaded that the foundation of my complaint was +a polypus at the heart, and Doctor Salomon appeared to coincide with the +idea. Reasonably this opinion should have confirmed my former resolution +of considering myself past cure; this, however, was not the case; on the +contrary; I exerted every power of my understanding in search of a remedy +for a polypus, resolving to undertake this marvellous cure. + +In a journey which Anet had made to Montpelier, to see the physical +garden there, and visit Monsieur Sauvages, the demonstrator, he had been +informed that Monsieur Fizes had cured a polypus similar to that I +fancied myself afflicted with: Madam de Warrens, recollecting this +circumstance, mentioned it to me, and nothing more was necessary to +inspire me with a desire to consult Monsieur Fizes. The hope of recovery +gave me courage and strength to undertake the journey; the money from +Geneva furnished the means; Madam de Warrens, far from dissuading, +entreated me to go: behold me, therefore, without further ceremony, set +out for Montpelier!--but it was not necessary to go so far to find the +cure I was in search of. + +Finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing, I had hired a chaise at +Grenoble, and on entering Moirans, five or six other chaises arrived in a +rank after mine. The greater part of these were in the train of a new +married lady called Madam du Colombier; with her was a Madam de Larnage, +not so young or handsome as the former, yet not less amiable. The bride +was to stop at Romans, but the other lady was to pursue her route as far +as Saint-Andiol, near the bridge du St. Esprit. With my natural timidity +it will not be conjectured that I was very ready at forming an +acquaintance with these fine ladies, and the company that attended them; +but travelling the same road, lodging at the same inns, and being obliged +to eat at the same table, the acquaintance seemed unavoidable, as any +backwardness on my part would have got me the character of a very +unsociable being: it was formed then, and even sooner than I desired, +for all this bustle was by no means convenient to a person in ill health, +particularly to one of my humor. Curiosity renders these vixens +extremely insinuating; they accomplish their design of becoming +acquainted with a man by endeavoring to turn his brain, and this was +precisely what happened to me. Madam du Colombier was too much +surrounded by her young gallants to have any opportunity of paying much +attention to me; besides, it was not worthwhile, as we were to separate +in so short a time; but Madam de Larnage (less attended to than her young +friend) had to provide herself for the remainder of the journey; behold +me, then, attacked by Madam de Larnage, and adieu to poor Jean Jacques, +or rather farewell to fever, vapors, and polypus; all completely vanished +when in her presence. The ill state of my health was the first subject +of our conversation; they saw I was indisposed, knew I was going to +Montpelier, but my air and manner certainly did not exhibit the +appearance of a libertine, since it was clear by what followed they did +not suspect I was going there for a reason that carries many that road. + +In the morning they sent to inquire after my health and invite me to take +chocolate with them, and when I made my appearance asked how I had passed +the night. Once, according to my praiseworthy custom of speaking without +thought, I replied, "I did not know," which answer naturally made them +conclude I was a fool: but, on questioning me further; the examination +turned out so far to my advantage, that I rather rose in their opinion, +and I once heard Madam du Colombier say to her friend, "He is amiable, +but not sufficiently acquainted with the world." These words were a +great encouragement, and assisted me in rendering myself agreeable. + +As we became more familiar, it was natural to give each other some little +account of whence we came and who we were: this embarrassed me greatly, +for I was sensible that in good company and among women of spirit, the +very name of a new convert would utterly undo me. I know not by what +whimsicallity I resolved to pass for an Englishman; however, in +consequence of that determination I gave myself out for a Jacobite, and +was readily believed. They called me Monsieur Dudding, which was the +name I assumed with my new character, and a cursed Marquis Torignan, who +was one of the company, an invalid like myself, and both old and ill-- +tempered, took it in his head to begin a long conversation with me. He +spoke of King James, of the Pretender, and the old court of +St. Germain's; I sat on thorns the whole time, for I was totally +unacquainted with all these except what little I had picked up in the +account of Earl Hamilton, and from the gazettes; however, I made such +fortunate use of the little I did know as to extricate myself from this +dilemma, happy in not being questioned on the English language, which I +did not know a single word of. + +The company were all very agreeable; we looked forward to the moment of +separation with regret, and therefore made snails' journeys. We arrived +one Sunday at St. Marcelein's; Madam de Larnage would go to mass; I +accompanied her, and had nearly ruined all my affairs, for by my modest +reserved countenance during the service, she concluded me a bigot, and +conceived a very indifferent opinion of me, as I learned from her own +account two days after. It required a great deal of gallantry on my part +to efface this ill impression, or rather Madam de Larnage (who was not +easily disheartened) determined to risk the first advances, and see how I +should behave. She made several, but far from being presuming on my +figure, I thought she was making sport of me: full of this ridiculous +idea there was no folly I was not guilty of. + +Madam de Larnage persisted in such caressing behavior, that a much wiser +man than myself could hardly have taken it seriously. The more obvious +her advances were, the more I was confirmed in my mistake, and what +increased my torment, I found I was really in love with her. +I frequently said to myself, and sometimes to her, sighing, "Ah! why is +not all this real? then should I be the most fortunate of men." I am +inclined to think my stupidity did but increase her resolution, and make +her determined to get the better of it. + +We left Madam du Colombier at Romans; after which Madam de Larnage, the +Marquis de Torignan, and myself continued our route slowly, and in the +most agreeable manner. The marquis, though indisposed, and rather ill- +humored, was an agreeable companion, but was not best pleased at seeing +the lady bestow all her attentions on me, while he passed unregarded; for +Madam de Larnage took so little care to conceal her inclination, that he +perceived it sooner than I did, and his sarcasms must have given me that +confidence I could not presume to take from the kindness of the lady, if +by a surmise, which no one but myself could have blundered on, I had not +imagined they perfectly understood each other, and were agreed to turn my +passion into ridicule. This foolish idea completed my stupidity, making +me act the most ridiculous part, while, had I listened to the feelings of +my heart, I might have been performing one far more brilliant. I am +astonished that Madam de Larnage was not disgusted at my folly, and did +not discard me with disdain; but she plainly perceived there was more +bashfulness than indifference in my composition. + +We arrived at Valence to dinner, and according to our usual custom passed +the remainder of the day there. We lodged out of the city, at the St. +James, an inn I shall never forget. After dinner, Madam de Larnage +proposed a walk; she knew the marquis was no walker, consequently, this +was an excellent plan for a tete-a-tete, which she was predetermined to +make the most of. While we were walking round the city by the side of +the moats, I entered on a long history of my complaint, to which she +answered in so tender an accent, frequently pressing my arm, which she +held to her heart, that it required all my stupidity not to be convinced +of the sincerity of her attachment. I have already observed that she was +amiable; love rendered her charming, adding all the loveliness of youth: +and she managed her advances with so much art, that they were sufficient +to have seduced the most insensible: I was, therefore, in very uneasy +circumstances, and frequently on the point of making a declaration; but +the dread of offending her, and the still greater of being laughed at, +ridiculed, made table-talk, and complimented on my enterprise by the +satirical marquis, had such unconquerable power over me, that, though +ashamed of my ridiculous bashfulness, I could not take courage to +surmount it. I had ended the history of my complaints, which I felt the +ridiculousness of at this time; and not knowing how to look, or what to +say, continued silent, giving the finest opportunity in the world for +that ridicule I so much dreaded. Happily, Madam de Larnage took a more +favorable resolution, and suddenly interrupted this silence by throwing +her arms round my neck, while, at the same instant, her lips spoke too +plainly on mine to be any longer misunderstood. This was reposing that +confidence in me the want of which has almost always prevented me from +appearing myself: for once I was at ease, my heart, eyes and tongue, +spoke freely what I felt; never did I make better reparation for my +mistakes, and if this little conquest had cost Madam de Larnage some +difficulties, I have reason to believe she did not regret them. + +Was I to live a hundred years, I should never forget this charming woman. +I say charming, for though neither young nor beautiful, she was neither +old nor ugly, having nothing in her appearance that could prevent her wit +and accomplishments from producing all their effects. It was possible to +see her without falling in love, but those she favored could not fail to +adore her; which proves, in my opinion, that she was not generally so +prodigal of her favors. It is true, her inclination for me was so sudden +and lively, that it scarce appears excusable; though from the short, but +charming interval I passed with her, I have reason to think her heart was +more influenced than her passions. + +Our good intelligence did not escape the penetration of the marquis; not +that he discontinued his usual raillery; on the contrary, he treated me +as a sighing, hopeless swain, languishing under the rigors of his +mistress; not a word, smile, or look escaped him by which I could imagine +he suspected my happiness; and I should have thought him completely +deceived, had not Madam de Larnage, who was more clear-sighted than +myself, assured me of the contrary; but he was a well-bred man, and it +was impossible to behave with more attention or greater civility, than he +constantly paid me (notwithstanding his satirical sallies), especially +after my success, which, as he was unacquainted with my stupidity, he +perhaps gave me the honor of achieving. It has already been seen that he +was mistaken in this particular; but no matter, I profited by his error, +for being conscious that the laugh was on my side, I took all his sallies +in good part, and sometimes parried them with tolerable success; for, +proud of the reputation of wit which Madam de Larnage had thought fit to +discover in me, I no longer appeared the same man. + +We were both in a country and season of plenty, and had everywhere +excellent cheer, thanks to the good cares of the marquis; though I would +willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more satisfied +with the situation of our chambers; but he always sent his footman on to +provide them; and whether of his own accord, or by the order of his +master, the rogue always took care that the marquis' chamber should be +close by Madam de Larnage's, while mine was at the further end of the +house: but that made no great difference, or perhaps it rendered our +rendezvous the more charming; this happiness lasted four or five days, +during which time I was intoxicated with delight, which I tasted pure and +serene without any alloy; an advantage I could never boast before; and, +I may add, it is owing to Madam de Larnage that I did not go out of the +world without having tasted real pleasure. + +If the sentiment I felt for her was not precisely love, it was at least a +very tender return of what she testified for me; our meetings were so +delightful, that they possessed all the sweets of love; without that kind +of delirium which affects the brain, and even tends to diminish our +happiness. I never experienced true love but once in my life, and that +was not with Madam de Larnage, neither did I feel that affection for her +which I had been sensible of, and yet continued to possess, for Madam de +Warrens; but for this very reason, our tete-a-tetes were a hundred times +more delightful. When with Madam de Warrens, my felicity was always +disturbed by a secret sadness, a compunction of heart, which I found it +impossible to surmount. Instead of being delighted at the acquisition of +so much happiness, I could not help reproaching myself for contributing +to render her I loved unworthy: on the contrary, with Madam de Lamage, +I was proud of my happiness, and gave in to it without repugnance, while +my triumph redoubled every other charm. + +I do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis, who resided in +this country, but I know we were alone on our arrival at Montelimar, +where Madam de Larnage made her chambermaid get into my chaise, and +accommodate me with a seat in hers. It will easily be believed, that +travelling in this manner was by no means displeasing to me, and that I +should be very much puzzled to give any account of the country we passed +through. She had some business at Montelimar, which detained her there +two or three days; during this time she quitted me but one quarter of an +hour, for a visit she could not avoid, which embarrassed her with a +number of invitations she had no inclination to accept, and therefore +excused herself by pleading some indisposition; though she took care this +should not prevent our walking together every day, in the most charming +country, and under the finest sky imaginable. Oh! these three days! +what reason have I to regret them! Never did such happiness return +again. + +The amours of a journey cannot be very durable: it was necessary we +should part, and I must confess it was almost time; not that I was weary +of my happiness, but I might as well have been. We endeavored to comfort +each other for the pain of parting, by forming plans for our reunion; and +it was concluded, that after staying five or six weeks at Montpelier +(which would give Madam de Larnage time to prepare for my reception in +such a manner as to prevent scandal) I should return to Saint-Andiol, and +spend the winter under her direction. She gave me ample instruction on +what it was necessary I should know, on what it would be proper to say; +and how I should conduct myself. She spoke much and earnestly on the +care of my health, conjured me to consult skilful physicians, and be +attentive and exact in following their prescriptions whatever they might +happen to be. I believe her concern was sincere, for she loved me, and +gave proofs of her affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her +favors; for judging by my mode of travelling, that I was not in very +affluent circumstances (though not rich herself), on our parting, she +would have had me share the contents of her purse, which she had brought +pretty well furnished from Grenoble, and it was with great difficulty I +could make her put up with a denial. In a word, we parted; my heart full +of her idea, and leaving in hers (if I am not mistaken) a firm attachment +to me. + +While pursuing the remainder of my journey, remembrance ran over +everything that had passed from the commencement of it, and I was well +satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable chaise, where I could +ruminate at ease on the pleasures I had enjoyed, and those which awaited +my return. I only thought of Saint-Andiol; of the life I was to lead +there; I saw nothing but Madam de Larnage, or what related to her; the +whole universe besides was nothing to me--even Madam de Warrens was +forgotten!--I set about combining all the details by which Madam de +Larnage had endeavored to give me in advance an idea of her house, of the +neighborhood, of her connections, and manner of life, finding everything +charming. + +She had a daughter, whom she had often described in the warmest terms of +maternal affection: this daughter was fifteen lively, charming, and of an +amiable disposition. Madam de Larnage promised me her friendship; I had +not forgotten that promise, and was curious to know how Mademoiselle de +Larnage would treat her mother's 'bon ami'. These were the subjects of +my reveries from the bridge of St. Esprit to Remoulin: I had been advised +to visit the Pont-du-Gard; hitherto I had seen none of the remaining +monuments of Roman magnificence, and I expected to find this worthy the +hands by which it was constructed; for once, the reality surpassed my +expectation; this was the only time in my life it ever did so, and the +Romans alone could have produced that effect. The view of this noble and +sublime work, struck me the more forcibly, from being in the midst of a +desert, where silence and solitude render the majestic edifice more +striking, and admiration more lively, for though called a bridge it is +nothing more than an aqueduct. One cannot help exclaiming, what strength +could have transported these enormous stones so far from any quarry? And +what motive could have united the labors of so many millions of men, in a +place that no one inhabited? I remained here whole hours, in the most +ravishing contemplation, and returned pensive and thoughtful to my inn. +This reverie was by no means favorable to Madam de Larnage; she had taken +care to forewarn me against the girls of Montpelier, but not against the +Pont-du-Gard--it is impossible to provide for every contingency. + +On my arrival at Nismes, I went to see the amphitheatre, which is a far +more magnificent work than even the Pont-du-Gard, yet it made a much less +impression on me, perhaps, because my admiration had been already +exhausted on the former object; or that the situation of the latter, in +the midst of a city, was less proper to excite it. This vast and superb +circus is surrounded by small dirty houses, while yet smaller and dirtier +fill up the area, in such a manner that the whole produces an unequal and +confused effect, in which regret and indignation stifle pleasure and +surprise. The amphitheatre at Verona is a vast deal smaller, and less +beautiful than that at Nismes, but preserved with all possible care and +neatness, by which means alone it made a much stronger and more agreeable +impression on me. The French pay no regard to these things, respect no +monument of antiquity; ever eager to undertake, they never finish, nor +preserve anything that is already finished to their hands. + +I was so much better, and had gained such an appetite by exercise, that I +stopped a whole day at Pont-du-Lunel, for the sake of good entertainment +and company, this being deservedly esteemed at that time the best inn in +Europe; for those who kept it, knowing how to make its fortunate +situation turn to advantage, took care to provide both abundance and +variety. It was really curious to find in a lonely country-house, a +table every day furnished with sea and fresh-water fish, excellent game, +and choice wines, served up with all the attention and care, which are +only to be expected among the great or opulent, and all this for thirty +five sous each person: but the Pont-du-Lunel did not long remain on this +footing, for the proprietor, presuming too much on its reputation, at +length lost it entirely. + +During this journey, I really forgot my complaints, but recollected them +again on my arrival at Montpelier. My vapors were absolutely gone, but +every other complaint remained, and though custom had rendered them less +troublesome, they were still sufficient to make any one who had been +suddenly seized with them, suppose himself attacked by some mortal +disease. In effect they were rather alarming than painful, and made the +mind suffer more than the body, though it apparently threatened the +latter with destruction. While my attention was called off by the +vivacity of my passions, I paid no attention to my health; but as my +complaints were not altogether imaginary, I thought of them seriously +when the tumult had subsided. Recollecting the salutary advice of Madam +de Larnage, and the cause of my journey, I consulted the most famous +practitioners, particularly Monsieur Fizes; and through superabundance of +precaution boarded at a doctor's who was an Irishman, and named Fitz- +Morris. + +This person boarded a number of young gentlemen who were studying physic; +and what rendered his house very commodious for an invalid, he contented +himself with a moderate pension for provisions, lodging, etc., and took +nothing of his boarders for attendance as a physician. He even undertook +to execute the orders of M. Fizes, and endeavored to re-establish my +health. He certainly acquitted himself very well in this employment; as +to regimen, indigestions were not to be gained at his table; and though I +am not much hurt at privations of that kind, the objects of comparison +were so near, that I could not help thinking with myself sometimes, that +M. de Torignan was a much better provider than M. Fitz-Morris; +notwithstanding, as there was no danger of, dying with hunger, and all +the youths were gay and good-humored, I believe this manner of living was +really serviceable, and prevented my falling into those languors I had +latterly been so subject to. I passed the morning in taking medicines, +particularly, I know not what kind of waters, but believe they were those +of Vals, and in writing to Madam de Larnage: for the correspondence was +regularly kept up, and Rousseau kindly undertook to receive these letters +for his good friend Dudding. At noon I took a walk to the Canourgue, +with some of our young boarders, who were all very good lads; after this +we assembled for dinner; when this was over, an affair of importance +employed the greater part of us till night; this was going a little way +out of town to take our afternoon's collation, and make up two or three +parties at mall, or mallet. As I had neither strength nor skill, I did +not play myself but I betted on the game, and, interested for the success +of my wager, followed the players and their balls over rough and stony +roads, procuring by this means both an agreeable and salutary exercise. +We took our afternoon's refreshment at an inn out of the city. I need +not observe that these meetings were extremely merry, but should not omit +that they were equally innocent, though the girls of the house were very +pretty. M. Fitz-Morris (who was a great mall player himself) was our +president; and I must observe, notwithstanding the imputation of wildness +that is generally bestowed on students, that I found more virtuous +dispositions among these youths than could easily be found among an equal +number of men: they were rather noisy than fond of wine, and more merry +than libertine. + +I accustomed myself so much to this mode of life, and it accorded so +entirely with my humor, that I should have been very well content with a +continuance of it. Several of my fellow-boarders were Irish, from whom I +endeavored to learn some English words, as a precaution for Saint-Andiol. +The time now drew near for my departure; every letter Madam de Larnage +wrote, she entreated me not to delay it, and at length I prepared to obey +her. + +I was convinced that the physicians (who understood nothing of my +disorder) looked on my complaint as imaginary, and treated me +accordingly, with their waters and whey. In this respect physicians and +philosophers differ widely from theologians; admitting the truth only of +what they can explain, and making their knowledge the measure of +possibilities. These gentlemen understood nothing of my illness, +therefore concluded I could not be ill; and who would presume to doubt +the profound skill of a physician? I plainly saw they only meant to +amuse, and make me swallow my money; and judging their substitute at +Saint-Andiol would do me quite as much service, and be infinitely more +agreeable, I resolved to give her the preference; full, therefore, of +this wise resolution, I quitted Montpelier. + +I set off towards the end of November, after a stay of six weeks or two +months in that city, where I left a dozen louis, without either my health +or understanding being the better for it, except from a short course of +anatomy begun under M. Fitz-Morris, which I was soon obliged to abandon, +from the horrid stench of the bodies he dissected, which I found it +impossible to endure. + +Not thoroughly satisfied in my own mind on the rectitude of this +expedition, as I advanced towards the Bridge of St. Esprit (which was +equally the road to Saint-Andiol and to Chambery) I began to reflect on +Madam de Warrens, the remembrance of whose letters, though less frequent +than those from Madam de Larnage, awakened in my heart a remorse that +passion had stifled in the first part of my journey, but which became so +lively on my return, that, setting just estimate on the love of pleasure, +I found myself in such a situation of mind that I could listen wholly to +the voice of reason. Besides, in continuing to act the part of an +adventurer, I might be less fortunate than I had been in the beginning; +for it was only necessary that in all Saint-Andiol there should be one +person who had been in England, or who knew the English or anything of +their language, to prove me an impostor. The family of Madam de Larnage +might not be pleased with me, and would, perhaps, treat me unpolitely; +her daughter too made me uneasy, for, spite of myself, I thought more of +her than was necessary. I trembled lest I should fall in love with this +girl, and that very fear had already half done the business. Was I +going, in return for the mother's kindness, to seek the ruin of the +daughter? To sow dissension, dishonor, scandal, and hell itself, in her +family? The very idea struck me with horror, and I took the firmest +resolution to combat and vanquish this unhappy attachment, should I be so +unfortunate as to experience it. But why expose myself to this danger? +How miserable must the situation be to live with the mother, whom I +should be weary of, and sigh for the daughter, without daring to make +known my affection! What necessity was there to seek this situation, and +expose myself to misfortunes, affronts and remorse, for the sake of +pleasures whose greatest charm was already exhausted? For I was sensible +this attachment had lost its first vivacity. With these thoughts were +mingled reflections relative to my situation and duty to that good and +generous friend, who already loaded with debts, would become more so from +the foolish expenses I was running into, and whom I was deceiving so +unworthily. This reproach at length became so keen that it triumphed +over every temptation, and on approaching the bridge of St. Esprit I +formed the resolution to burn my whole magazine of letters from Saint- +Andiol, and continue my journey right forward to Chambery. + +I executed this resolution courageously, with some sighs I confess, but +with the heart-felt satisfaction, which I enjoyed for the first time in +my life, of saying, "I merit my own esteem, and know how to prefer duty +to pleasure." This was the first real obligation I owed my books, since +these had taught me to reflect and compare. After the virtuous +principles I had so lately adopted, after all the rules of wisdom and +honor I had proposed to myself, and felt so proud to follow, the shame of +possessing so little stability, and contradicting so egregiously my own +maxims, triumphed over the allurements of pleasure. Perhaps, after all, +pride had as much share in my resolution as virtue; but if this pride is +not virtue itself, its effects are so similar that we are pardonable in +deceiving ourselves. + +One advantage resulting from good actions is that they elevate the soul +to a disposition of attempting still better; for such is human weakness, +that we must place among our good deeds an abstinence from those crimes +we are tempted to commit. No sooner was my resolution confirmed than I +became another man, or rather, I became what I was before I had erred, +and saw in its true colors what the intoxication of the moment had either +concealed or disguised. Full of worthy sentiments and wise resolutions, +I continued my journey, intending to regulate my future conduct by the +laws of virtue, and dedicate myself without reserve to that best of +friends, to whom I vowed as much fidelity in future as I felt real +attachment. The sincerity of this return to virtue appeared to promise a +better destiny; but mine, alas! was fixed, and already begun: even at +the very moment when my heart, full of good and virtuous sentiments, was +contemplating only innocence and happiness through life, I touched on the +fatal period that was to draw after it the long chain of my misfortunes! + +My impatience to arrive at Chambery had made me use more diligence than I +meant to do. I had sent a letter from Valence, mentioning the day and +hour I should arrive, but I had gained half a day on this calculation, +which time I passed at Chaparillan, that I might arrive exactly at the +time I mentioned. I wished to enjoy to its full extent the pleasure of +seeing her, and preferred deferring this happiness a little, that +expectancy might increase the value of it. This precaution had always +succeeded; hitherto my arrival had caused a little holiday; I expected no +less this time, and these preparations, so dear to me, would have been +well worth the trouble of contriving them. + +I arrived then exactly at the hour, and while at a considerable distance, +looked forward with an expectancy of seeing her on the road to meet me. +The beating of my heart increased as I drew near the house; at length I +arrived, quite out of breath; for I had left my chaise in the town. I +see no one in the garden, at the door, or at the windows; I am seized +with terror, fearful that some accident has happened. I enter; all is +quiet; the laborers are eating their luncheon in the kitchen, and far +from observing any preparation, the servants seem surprised to see me, +not knowing I was expected. I go up--stairs, at length see her!--that +dear friend! so tenderly, truly, and entirely beloved. I instantly ran +towards her, and threw myself at her feet. "Ah! child!" said she, "art +thou returned then!" embracing me at the same time. "Have you had a +good journey? How do you do?" This reception amused me for some +moments. I then asked, whether she had received my letter? she answered +"Yes."--"I should have thought not," replied I; and the information +concluded there. A young man was with her at this time. I recollected +having seen him in the house before my departure, but at present he +seemed established there; in short, he was so; I found my place already +supplied! + +This young man came from the country of Vaud; his father, named +Vintzenried, was keeper of the prison, or, as he expressed himself, +Captain of the Castle of Chillon. This son of the captain was a +journeyman peruke-maker, and gained his living in that capacity when he +first presented himself to Madam de Warrens, who received him kindly, as +she did all comers, particularly those from her own country. He was a +tall, fair, silly youth; well enough made, with an unmeaning face, and a +mind of the same description, speaking always like the beau in a comedy, +and mingling the manners and customs of his former situation with a long +history of his gallantry and success; naming, according to his account, +not above half the marchionesses who had favored him and pretending never +to have dressed the head of a pretty woman, without having likewise +decorated her husband's; vain, foolish, ignorant and insolent; such was +the worthy substitute taken in my absence, and the companion offered me +on my return! + +O! if souls disengaged from their terrestrial bonds, yet view from the +bosom of eternal light what passes here below, pardon, dear and +respectable shade, that I show no more favor to your failings than my +own, but equally unveil both. I ought and will be just to you as to +myself; but how much less will you lose by this resolution than I shall! +How much do your amiable and gentle disposition, your inexhaustible +goodness of heart, your frankness and other amiable virtues, compensate +for your foibles, if a subversion of reason alone can be called such. +You had errors, but not vices; your conduct was reprehensible, but your +heart was ever pure. + +The new-comer had shown himself zealous and exact in all her little +commissions, which were ever numerous, and he diligently overlooked the +laborers. As noisy and insolent as I was quiet and forbearing, he was +seen or rather heard at the plough, in the hay-loft, wood-house, stable, +farm-yard, at the same instant. He neglected the gardening, this labor +being too peaceful and moderate; his chief pleasure was to load or drive +the cart, to saw or cleave wood; he was never seen without a hatchet or +pick-axe in his hand, running, knocking and hallooing with all his might. +I know not how many men's labor he performed, but he certainly made noise +enough for ten or a dozen at least. All this bustle imposed on poor +Madam de Warrens; she thought this young man a treasure, and, willing to +attach him to herself, employed the means she imagined necessary for that +purpose, not forgetting what she most depended on, the surrender of her +person. + +Those who have thus far read this work should be able to form some +judgment of my heart; its sentiments were the most constant and sincere, +particularly those which had brought me back to Chambery; what a sudden +and complete overthrow was this to my whole being! but to judge fully of +this, the reader must place himself for a moment in my situation. I saw +all the future felicity I had promised myself vanish in a moment; all the +charming ideas I had indulged so affectionately, disappear entirely; and +I, who even from childhood had not been able to consider my existence for +a moment as separate from hers, for the first time saw myself utterly +alone. This moment was dreadful, and those that succeeded it were ever +gloomy. I was yet young, but the pleasing sentiments of enjoyment and +hope, which enliven youth, were extinguished. From that hour my +existence seemed half annihilated. I contemplated in advance the +melancholy remains of an insipid life, and if at any time an image of +happiness glanced through my mind, it was not that which appeared natural +to me, and I felt that even should I obtain it I must still be wretched. + +I was so dull of apprehension, and my confidence in her was so great, +that, notwithstanding the familiar tone of the new-comer, which I looked +on as an effect of the easy disposition of Madam de Warrens, which +rendered her free with everyone, I never should have suspected his real +situation had not she herself informed me of it; but she hastened to make +this avowal with a freedom calculated to inflame me with resentment, +could my heart have turned to that point. Speaking of this connection as +quite immaterial with respect to herself, she reproached me with +negligence in the care of the family, and mentioned my frequent absence, +as though she had been in haste to supply my place. "Ah!" said I, my +heart bursting with the most poignant grief, "what do you dare to inform +me of? Is this the reward of an attachment like mine? Have you so many +times preserved my life, for the sole purpose of taking from me all that +could render it desirable? Your infidelity will bring me to the grave, +but you will regret my loss!" She answered with a tranquillity +sufficient to distract me, that I talked like a child; that people did +not die from such slight causes; that our friendship need be no less +sincere, nor we any less intimate, for that her tender attachment to me +could neither diminish nor end but with herself; in a word she gave me to +understand that my happiness need not suffer any decrease from the good +fortune of this new favorite. + +Never did the purity, truth and force of my attachment to her appear more +evident; never did I feel the sincerity and honesty of my soul more +forcibly, than at that moment. I threw myself at her feet, embracing her +knees with torrents of tears. "No, madam," replied I, with the most +violent agitation, "I love you too much to disgrace you thus far, and too +truly to share you; the regret that accompanied the first acquisition of +your favors has continued to increase with my affection. I cannot +preserve them by so violent an augmentation of it. You shall ever have +my adoration: be worthy of it; to me that is more necessary than all you +can bestow. It is to you, O my dearest friend! that I resign my rights; +it is to the union of our hearts that I sacrifice my pleasure; rather +would I perish a thousand times than thus degrade her I love." + +I preserved this resolution with a constancy worthy, I may say, of the +sentiment that gave it birth. From this moment I saw this beloved woman +but with the eyes of a real son. It should be remarked here, that this +resolve did not meet her private approbation, as I too well perceived; +yet she never employed the least art to make me renounce it either by +insinuating proposals, caresses, or any of those means which women so +well know how to employ without exposing themselves to violent censure, +and which seldom fail to succeed. Reduced to seek a fate independent of +hers, and not able to devise one, I passed to the other extreme, placing +my happiness so absolutely in her, that I became almost regardless of +myself. The ardent desire to see her happy, at any rate, absorbed all my +affections; it was in vain she endeavored to separate her felicity from +mine, I felt I had a part in it, spite of every impediment. + +Thus those virtues whose seeds in my heart begun to spring up with my +misfortunes: they had been cultivated by study, and only waited the +fermentation of adversity to become prolific. The first-fruit of this +disinterested disposition was to put from my heart every sentiment of +hatred and envy against him who had supplanted me. I even sincerely +wished to attach myself to this young man; to form and educate him; to +make him sensible of his happiness, and, if possible, render him worthy +of it; in a word, to do for him what Anet had formerly done for me. But +the similarity of dispositions was wanting. More insinuating and +enlightened than Anet, I possessed neither his coolness, fortitude, nor +commanding strength of character, which I must have had in order to +succeed. Neither did the young man possess those qualities which Anet +found in me; such as gentleness, gratitude, and above all, the knowledge +of a want of his instructions, and an ardent desire to render them +useful. All these were wanting; the person I wished to improve, saw in +me nothing but an importunate, chattering pedant: while on the contrary +he admired his own importance in the house, measuring the services he +thought he rendered by the noise he made, and looking on his saws, +hatchets, and pick-axes, as infinitely more useful than all my old books: +and, perhaps, in this particular, he might not be altogether blamable; +but he gave himself a number of airs sufficient to make anyone die with +laughter. With the peasants he assumed the airs of a country gentleman; +presently he did as much with me, and at length with Madam de Warrens +herself. His name, Vintzenried, did not appear noble enough, he +therefore changed it to that of Monsieur de Courtilles, and by the latter +appellation he was known at Chambery, and in Maurienne, where he married. + +At length this illustrious personage gave himself such airs of +consequence, that he was everything in the house, and myself nothing. +When I had the misfortune to displease him, he scolded Madam de Warrens, +and a fear of exposing her to his brutality rendered me subservient to +all his whims, so that every time he cleaved wood (an office which he +performed with singular pride) it was necessary I should be an idle +spectator and admirer of his prowess. This lad was not, however, of a +bad disposition; he loved Madam de Warrens, indeed it was impossible to +do otherwise; nor had he any aversion even to me, and when he happened to +be out of his airs would listen to our admonitions, and frankly own he +was a fool; yet notwithstanding these acknowledgements his follies +continued in the same proportion. His knowledge was so contracted, and +his inclinations so mean, that it was useless to reason, and almost +impossible to be pleased with him. Not content with a most charming +woman, he amused himself with an old red-haired, toothless waiting-maid, +whose unwelcome service Madam de Warrens had the patience to endure, +though it was absolutely disgusting. I soon perceived this new +inclination, and was exasperated at it; but I saw something else, which +affected me yet more, and made a deeper impression on me than anything +had hitherto done; this was a visible coldness in the behavior of Madam +de Warrens towards me. + +The privation I had imposed on myself, and which she affected to approve, +is one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive. Take the +most sensible; the most philosophic female, one the least attached to +pleasure, and slighting her favors, if within your reach, will be found +the most unpardonable crime, even though she may care nothing for the +man. This rule is certainly without exception; since a sympathy so +natural and ardent was impaired in her, by an abstinence founded only on +virtue, attachment and esteem, I no longer found with her that union of +hearts which constituted all the happiness of mine; she seldom sought me +but when we had occasion to complain of this new-comer, for when they +were agreed, I enjoyed but little of her confidence, and, at length, was +scarcely ever consulted in her affairs. She seemed pleased, indeed, with +my company, but had I passed whole days without seeing her she would +hardly have missed me. + +Insensibly, I found myself desolate and alone in that house where I had +formerly been the very soul; where, if I may so express myself, I had +enjoyed a double life, and by degrees, I accustomed myself to disregard +everything that, passed, and even those who dwelt there. To avoid +continual mortifications, I shut myself up with my books, or else wept +and sighed unnoticed in the woods. This life soon became insupportable; +I felt that the presence of a woman so dear to me, while estranged from +her heart, increased my unhappiness, and was persuaded, that, ceasing to +see her, I should feel myself less cruelly separated. + +I resolved, therefore, to quit the house, mentioned it to her, and she, +far from opposing my resolution, approved it. She had an acquaintance at +Grenoble, called Madam de Deybens, whose husband was on terms of +friendship with Monsieur Malby, chief Provost of Lyons. M. Deybens +proposed my educating M. Malby's children; I accepted this offer, and +departed for Lyons without causing, and almost without feeling, the least +regret at a separation, the bare idea of which, a few months before, +would have given us both the most excruciating torments. + +I had almost as much knowledge as was necessary for a tutor, and +flattered myself that my method would be unexceptionable; but the year I +passed at M. Malby's was sufficient to undeceive me in that particular. +The natural gentleness of my disposition seemed calculated for the +employment, if hastiness had not been mingled with it. While things went +favorably, and I saw the pains (which I did not spare) succeed, I was an +angel; but a devil when they went contrary. If my pupils did not +understand me, I was hasty, and when they showed any symptoms of an +untoward disposition, I was so provoked that I could have killed them; +which behavior was not likely to render them either good or wise. I had +two under my care, and they were of very different tempers. St. Marie, +who was between eight and nine years old, had a good person and quick +apprehension, was giddy, lively, playful and mischievous; but his +mischief was ever good-humored. The younger one, named Condillac, +appeared stupid and fretful, was headstrong as a mule, and seemed +incapable of instruction. It may be supposed that between both I did not +want employment, yet with patience and temper I might have succeeded; +but wanting both, I did nothing worth mentioning, and my pupils profited +very little. I could only make use of three means, which are very weak, +and often pernicious with children; namely, sentiment, reasoning, +passion. I sometimes exerted myself so much with St. Marie, that I could +not refrain from tears, and wished to excite similar sensations in him; +as if it was reasonable to suppose a child could be susceptible to such +emotions. Sometimes I exhausted myself in reasoning, as if persuaded he +could comprehend me; and as he frequently formed very subtle arguments, +concluded he must be reasonable, because he bid fair to be so good a +logician. + +The little Condillac was still more embarrassing; for he neither +understood, answered, nor was concerned at anything; he was of an +obstinacy beyond belief, and was never happier than when he had succeeded +in putting me in a rage; then, indeed, he was the philosopher, and I the +child. I was conscious of all my faults, studied the tempers of my +pupils, and became acquainted with them; but where was the use of seeing +the evil, without being able to apply a remedy? My penetration was +unavailing, since it never prevented any mischief; and everything I +undertook failed, because all I did to effect my designs was precisely +what I ought not to have done. + +I was not more fortunate in what had only reference to myself, than in +what concerned my pupils. Madam Deybens, in recommending me to her +friend Madam de Malby, had requested her to form my manners, and endeavor +to give me an air of the world. She took some pains on this account, +wishing to teach me how to do the honors of the house; but I was so +awkward, bashful, and stupid, that she found it necessary to stop there. +This, however, did not prevent me from falling in love with her, +according to my usual custom; I even behaved in such a manner, that she +could not avoid observing it; but I never durst declare my passion; and +as the lady never seemed in a humor to make advances, I soon became weary +of my sighs and ogling, being convinced they answered no manner of +purpose. + +I had quite lost my inclination for little thieveries while with Madam de +Warrens; indeed, as everything belonged to me, there was nothing to +steal; besides, the elevated notions I had imbibed ought to have rendered +me in future above such meanness, and generally speaking they certainly +did so; but this rather proceeded from my having learned to conquer +temptations, than having succeeded in rooting out the propensity, and I +should even now greatly dread stealing, as in my infancy, were I yet +subject to the same inclinations. I had a proof of this at M. Malby's, +when, though surrounded by a number of little things that I could easily +have pilfered, and which appeared no temptation, I took it into my head +to covert some white Arbois wine, some glasses of which I had drank at +table, and thought delicious. It happened to be rather thick, and as I +fancied myself an excellent finer of wine, I mentioned my skill, and this +was accordingly trusted to my care, but in attempting to mend, I spoiled +it, though to the sight only, for it remained equally agreeable to the +taste. Profiting by this opportunity, I furnished myself from time to +time with a few bottles to drink in my own apartment; but unluckily, +I could never drink without eating; the difficulty lay therefore, +in procuring bread. It was impossible to make a reserve of this article, +and to have it brought by the footman was discovering myself, +and insulting the master of the house; I could not bear to purchase it +myself; how could a fine gentleman, with a sword at his side, enter a +baker's shop to buy a small loaf of bread? it was utterly impossible. +At length I recollected the thoughtless saying of a great princess, who, +on being informed that the country people had no bread, replied, "Then +let them eat pastry!" Yet even this resource was attended with a +difficulty. I sometimes went out alone for this very purpose, running +over the whole city, and passing thirty pastry cook's shops, without +daring to enter any one of them. In the first place, it was necessary +there should be only one person in the shop, and that person's +physiognomy must be so encouraging as to give me confidence to pass the +threshold; but when once the dear little cake was procured, and I shut up +in my chamber with that and a bottle of wine, taken cautiously from the +bottom of a cupboard, how much did I enjoy drinking my wine, and reading +a few pages of a novel; for when I have no company I always wish to read +while eating; it seems a substitute for society, and I dispatch +alternately a page and a morsel; 'tis indeed, as if my book dined with +me. + +I was neither dissolute nor sottish, never in my whole life having been +intoxicated with liquor; my little thefts were not very indiscreet, yet +they were discovered; the bottles betrayed me, and though no notice was +taken of it, I had no longer the management of the cellar. In all this +Monsieur Malby conducted himself with prudence and politeness, being +really a very deserving man, who, under a manner as harsh as his +employment, concealed a real gentleness of disposition and uncommon +goodness of heart: he was judicious, equitable, and (what would not be +expected from an officer of the Marechausse) very humane. + +Sensible of his indulgence, I became greatly attached to him, which made +my stay at Lyons longer than it would otherwise have been; but at length, +disgusted with an employment which I was not calculated for, and a +situation of great confinement, consequently disagreeable to me, after a +year's trial, during which time I spared no pains to fulfill my +engagement, I determined to quit my pupils; being convinced I should +never succeed in educating them properly. Monsieur Malby saw this as +clearly as myself, though I am inclined to think he would never have +dismissed me had I not spared him the trouble, which was an excess of +condescension in this particular, that I certainly cannot justify. + +What rendered my situation yet more insupportable was the comparison I +was continually drawing between the life I now led and that which I had +quitted; the remembrance of my dear Charmettes, my garden, trees, +fountain and orchard, but, above all, the company of her who was born to +give life and soul to every other enjoyment. On calling to mind our +pleasures and innocent life, I was seized with such oppressions and +heaviness of heart, as deprived me of the power of performing anything as +it should be. A hundred times was I tempted instantly to set off on foot +to my dear Madam de Warrens, being persuaded that could I once more see +her, I should be content to die that moment: in fine, I could no longer +resist the tender emotions which recalled me back to her, whatever it +might cost me. I accused myself of not having been sufficiently patient, +complaisant and kind; concluding I might yet live happily with her on the +terms of tender friendship, and by showing more for her than I had +hitherto done. I formed the finest projects in the world, burned to +execute them, left all, renounced everything, departed, fled, and +arriving in all the transports of my early youth, found myself once more +at her feet. Alas! I should have died there with joy, had I found in +her reception, in her embrace, or in her heart, one-quarter of what I had +formerly found there, and which I yet found the undiminished warmth of. + +Fearful illusions of transitory things, how often dost thou torment us in +vain! She received me with that excellence of heart which could only die +with her; but I sought the influence there which could never be recalled, +and had hardly been half an hour with her before I was once more +convinced that my former happiness had vanished forever, and that I was +in the same melancholy situation which I had been obliged to fly from; +yet without being able to accuse any person with my unhappiness, for +Courtilles really was not to blame, appearing to see my return with more +pleasure than dissatisfaction. But how could I bear to be a secondary +person with her to whom I had been everything, and who could never cease +being such to me? How could I live an alien in that house where I had +been the child? The sight of every object that had been witness to my +former happiness, rendered the comparison yet more distressing; I should +have suffered less in any other habitation, for this incessantly recalled +such pleasing remembrances, that it was irritating the recollection of my +loss. + +Consumed with vain regrets, given up to the most gloomy melancholy, I +resumed the custom of remaining alone, except at meals; shut up with my +books, I sought to give some useful diversion to my ideas, and feeling +the imminent danger of want, which I had so long dreaded, I sought means +to prepare for and receive it, when Madam de Warrens should have no other +resource. I had placed her household on a footing not to become worse; +but since my departure everything had been altered. He who now managed +her affairs was a spendthrift, and wished to make a great appearance; +such as keeping a good horse with elegant trappings; loved to appear gay +in the eyes of the neighbors, and was perpetually undertaking something +he did not understand. Her pension was taken up in advance, her rent was +in arrears, debts of every kind continued to accumulate; I could plainly +foresee that her pension would be seized, and perhaps suppressed; in +short, I expected nothing but ruin and misfortune, and the moment +appeared to approach so rapidly that I already felt all its horrors. + +My closet was my only amusement, and after a tedious search for remedies +for the sufferings of my mind, I determined to seek some against the evil +of distressing circumstances, which I daily expected would fall upon us, +and returning to my old chimeras, behold me once more building castles in +the air to relieve this dear friend from the cruel extremities into which +I saw her ready to fall. I did not believe myself wise enough to shine +in the republic of letters, or to stand any chance of making a fortune by +that means; a new idea, therefore, inspired me with that confidence, +which the mediocrity of my talents could not impart. + +In ceasing to teach music I had not abandoned the thoughts of it; on the +contrary, I had studied the theory sufficiently to consider myself well +informed on the subject. When reflecting on the trouble it had cost me +to read music, and the great difficulty I yet experienced in singing at +sight, I began to think the fault might as well arise from the manner of +noting as from my own dulness, being sensible it was an art which most +people find difficult to understand. By examining the formation of the +signs, I was convinced they were frequently very ill devised. I had +before thought of marking the gamut by figures, to prevent the trouble of +having lines to draw, on noting the plainest air; but had been stopped by +the difficulty of the octaves, and by the distinction of measure and +quantity: this idea returned again to my mind, and on a careful revision +of it, I found the difficulties by no means insurmountable. I pursued it +successfully, and was at length able to note any music whatever by +figures, with the greatest exactitude and simplicity. From this moment I +supposed my fortune made, and in the ardor of sharing it with her to whom +I owed everything, thought only of going to Paris, not doubting that on +presenting my project to the Academy, it would be adopted with rapture. +I had brought some money from Lyons; I augmented this stock by the sale +of my books, and in the course of a fortnight my resolution was both +formed and executed: in short, full of the magnificent ideas it had +inspired, and which were common to me on every occasion, I departed from +Savoy with my new system of music, as I had formerly done from Turin with +my heron-fountain. + +Such have been the errors and faults of my youth; I have related the +history of them with a fidelity which my heart approves; if my riper +years were dignified with some virtues, I should have related them with +the same frankness; it was my intention to have done this, but I must +forego this pleasing task and stop here. Time, which renders justice to +the characters of most men, may withdraw the veil; and should my memory +reach posterity, they may one day discover what I had to say--they will +then understand why I am now silent. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason +Ardor for learning became so far a madness +Conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions +Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine +First time in my life, of saying, "I merit my own esteem" +Looking on each day as the last of my life +Making their knowledge the measure of possibilities +Men, in general, make God like themselves +One of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive +Prescriptions serve to flatter the hopes of the patient +Read description of any malady without thinking it mine +Read without studying +Return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave +Slighting her favors, if within your reach, a unpardonable crime +True happiness is indescribable, it is only to be felt + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v6 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK VII. + + +After two years' silence and patience, and notwithstanding my +resolutions, I again take up my pen: Reader, suspend your judgment +as to the reasons which force me to such a step: of these you can be no +judge until you shall have read my book. + +My peaceful youth has been seen to pass away calmly and agreeably without +any great disappointments or remarkable prosperity. This mediocrity was +mostly owing to my ardent yet feeble nature, less prompt in undertaking +than easy to discourage; quitting repose for violent agitations, but +returning to it from lassitude and inclinations, and which, placing me in +an idle and tranquil state for which alone I felt I was born, at a +distance from the paths of great virtues and still further from those of +great vices, never permitted me to arrive at anything great, either good +or bad. What a different account will I soon have to give of myself! +Fate, which for thirty years forced my inclinations, for thirty others +has seemed to oppose them; and this continued opposition, between my +situation and inclinations, will appear to have been the source of +enormous faults, unheard of misfortunes, and every virtue except that +fortitude which alone can do honor to adversity. + +The history of the first part of my life was written from memory, and is +consequently full of errors. As I am obliged to write the second part +from memory also, the errors in it will probably be still more numerous. +The agreeable remembrance of the finest portion of my years, passed with +so much tranquillity and innocence, has left in my heart a thousand +charming impressions which I love incessantly to call to my recollection. +It will soon appear how different from these those of the rest of my life +have been. To recall them to my mind would be to renew their bitterness. +Far from increasing that of my situation by these sorrowful reflections, +I repel them as much as possible, and in this endeavor often succeed so +well as to be unable to find them at will. This facility of forgetting +my misfortunes is a consolation which Heaven has reserved to me in the +midst of those which fate has one day to accumulate upon my head. My +memory, which presents to me no objects but such as are agreeable, is the +happy counterpoise of my terrified imagination, by which I foresee +nothing but a cruel futurity. + +All the papers I had collected to aid my recollection, and guide me in +this undertaking, are no longer in my possession, nor can I ever again +hope to regain them. + +I have but one faithful guide on which I can depend: this is the chain of +the sentiments by which the succession of my existence has been marked, +and by these the events which have been either the cause or the effect of +the manner of it. I easily forget my misfortunes, but I cannot forget my +faults, and still less my virtuous sentiments. The remembrance of these +is too dear to me ever to suffer them to be effaced from my mind. I may +omit facts, transpose events, and fall into some errors of dates; but I +cannot be deceived in what I have felt, nor in that which from sentiment +I have done; and to relate this is the chief end of my present work. The +real object of my confessions is to communicate an exact knowledge of +what I interiorly am and have been in every situation of my life. I have +promised the history of my mind, and to write it faithfully I have no +need of other memoirs: to enter into my own heart, as I have hitherto +done, will alone be sufficient. + +There is, however, and very happily, an interval of six or seven years, +relative to which I have exact references, in a collection of letters +copied from the originals, in the hands of M. du Peyrou. This +collection, which concludes in 1760, comprehends the whole time of my +residence at the hermitage, and my great quarrel with those who called +themselves my friends; that memorable epocha of my life, and the source +of all my other misfortunes. With respect to more recent original +letters which may remain in my possession, and are but few in number, +instead of transcribing them at the end of this collection, too +voluminous to enable me to deceive the vigilance of my Arguses, I will +copy them into the work whenever they appear to furnish any explanation, +be this either for or against myself; for I am not under the least +apprehension lest the reader should forget I make my confession, and be +induced to believe I make my apology; but he cannot expect I shall +conceal the truth when it testifies in my favor. + +The second part, it is likewise to be remembered, contains nothing in +common with the first, except truth; nor has any other advantage over it, +but the importance of the facts; in everything else, it is inferior to +the former. I wrote the first with pleasure, with satisfaction, and at +my ease, at Wootton, or in the castle Trie: everything I had to recollect +was a new enjoyment. I returned to my closet with an increased pleasure, +and, without constraint, gave that turn to my descriptions which most +flattered my imagination. + +At present my head and memory are become so weak as to render me almost +incapable of every kind of application: my present undertaking is the +result of constraint, and a heart full of sorrow. I have nothing to +treat of but misfortunes, treacheries, perfidies, and circumstances +equally afflicting. I would give the world, could I bury in the +obscurity of time, every thing I have to say, and which, in spite of +myself, I am obliged to relate. I am, at the same time, under the +necessity of being mysterious and subtle, of endeavoring to impose and of +descending to things the most foreign to my nature. The ceiling under +which I write has eyes; the walls of my chamber have ears. Surrounded by +spies and by vigilant and malevolent inspectors, disturbed, and my +attention diverted, I hastily commit to paper a few broken sentences, +which I have scarcely time to read, and still less to correct. I know +that, notwithstanding the barriers which are multiplied around me, my +enemies are afraid truth should escape by some little opening. What +means can I take to introduce it to the world? This, however, I attempt +with but few hopes of success. The reader will judge whether or not such +a situation furnishes the means of agreeable descriptions, or of giving +them a seductive coloring! I therefore inform such as may undertake to +read this work, that nothing can secure them from weariness in the +prosecution of their task, unless it be the desire of becoming more fully +acquainted with a man whom they already know, and a sincere love of +justice and truth. + +In my first part I brought down my narrative to my departure with +infinite regret from Paris, leaving my heart at Charmettes, and, there +building my last castle in the air, intending some day to return to the +feet of mamma, restored to herself, with the treasures I should have +acquired, and depending upon my system of music as upon a certain +fortune. + +I made some stay at Lyons to visit my acquaintance, procure letters of +recommendation to Paris, and to sell my books of geometry which I had +brought with me. I was well received by all whom I knew. M. and Madam +de Malby seemed pleased to see me again, and several times invited me to +dinner. At their house I became acquainted with the Abbe de Malby, as I +had already done with the Abbe de Condillac, both of whom were on a visit +to their brother. The Abbe de Malby gave me letters to Paris; among +others, one to M. de Pontenelle, and another to the Comte de Caylus. +These were very agreeable acquaintances, especially the first, to whose +friendship for me his death only put a period, and from whom, in our +private conversations, I received advice which I ought to have more +exactly followed. + +I likewise saw M. Bordes, with whom I had been long acquainted, and who +had frequently obliged me with the greatest cordiality and the most real +pleasure. He it was who enabled me to sell my books; and he also gave me +from himself good recommendations to Paris. I again saw the intendant +for whose acquaintance I was indebted to M. Bordes, and who introduced me +to the Duke de Richelieu, who was then passing through Lyons. M. Pallu +presented me. The Duke received me well, and invited me to come and see +him at Paris; I did so several times; although this great acquaintance, +of which I shall frequently have occasion to speak, was never of the most +trifling utility to me. + +I visited the musician David, who, in one of my former journeys, and in +my distress, had rendered me service. He had either lent or given me a +cap and a pair of stockings, which I have never returned, nor has he ever +asked me for them, although we have since that time frequently seen each +other. I, however, made him a present, something like an equivalent. +I would say more upon this subject, were what I have owned in question; +but I have to speak of what I have done, which, unfortunately, is far +from being the same thing. + +I also saw the noble and generous Perrichon, and not without feeling the +effects of his accustomed munificence; for he made me the same present he +had previously done to the elegant Bernard, by paying for my place in the +diligence. I visited the surgeon Parisot, the best and most benevolent +of men; as also his beloved Godefroi, who had lived with him ten years, +and whose merit chiefly consisted in her gentle manners and goodness of +heart. It was impossible to see this woman without pleasure, or to leave +her without regret. Nothing better shows the inclinations of a man, than +the nature of his attachments. + + [Unless he be deceived in his choice, or that she, to whom he + attaches himself, changes her character by an extraordinary + concurrence of causes, which is not absolutely impossible. Were + this consequence to be admitted without modification, Socrates must + be judged of by his wife Xantippe, and Dion by his friend Calippus, + which would be the most false and iniquitous judgment ever made. + However, let no injurious application be here made to my wife. She + is weak and more easily deceived than I at first imagined, but by + her pure and excellent character she is worthy of all my esteem.] + +Those who had once seen the gentle Godefroi, immediately knew the good +and amiable Parisot. + +I was much obliged to all these good people, but I afterwards neglected +them all; not from ingratitude, but from that invincible indolence which +so often assumes its appearance. The remembrance of their services has +never been effaced from my mind, nor the impression they made from my +heart; but I could more easily have proved my gratitude, than assiduously +have shown them the exterior of that sentiment. Exactitude in +correspondence is what I never could observe; the moment I began to +relax, the shame and embarrassment of repairing my fault made me +aggravate it, and I entirely desist from writing; I have, therefore, been +silent, and appeared to forget them. Parisot and Perrichon took not the +least notice of my negligence, and I ever found them the same. But, +twenty years afterwards it will be seen, in M. Bordes, to what a degree +the self-love of a wit can make him carry his vengeance when he feels +himself neglected. + +Before I leave Lyons, I must not forget an amiable person, whom I again +saw with more pleasure than ever, and who left in my heart the most +tender remembrance. This was Mademoiselle Serre, of whom I have spoken +in my first part; I renewed my acquaintance with her whilst I was at M. +de Malby's. + +Being this time more at leisure, I saw her more frequently, and she made +the most sensible impressions on my heart. I had some reason to believe +her own was not unfavorable to my pretensions; but she honored me with +her confidence so far as to remove from me all temptation to allure her +partiality. + +She had no fortune, and in this respect exactly resembled myself; our +situations were too similar to permit us to become united; and with the +views I then had, I was far from thinking of marriage. She gave me to +understand that a young merchant, one M. Geneve, seemed to wish to obtain +her hand. I saw him once or twice at her lodgings; he appeared to me to +be an honest man, and this was his general character. Persuaded she +would be happy with him, I was desirous he should marry her, which he +afterwards did; and that I might not disturb their innocent love, +I hastened my departure; offering up, for the happiness of that charming +woman, prayers, which, here below were not long heard. Alas! her time +was very short, for I afterwards heard she died in the second or third +year after her marriage. My mind, during the journey, was wholly +absorbed in tender regret. I felt, and since that time, when these +circumstances have been present to my recollection, have frequently done +the same; that although the sacrifices made to virtue and our duty may +sometimes be painful, we are well rewarded by the agreeable remembrance +they leave deeply engravers in our hearts. + +I this time saw Paris in as favorable a point of view as it had appeared +to me in an unfavorable one at my first journey; not that my ideas of its +brilliancy arose from the splendor of my lodgings; for in consequence of +an address given me by M. Bordes, I resided at the Hotel St. Quentin, Rue +des Cordier, near the Sorbonne; a vile street, a miserable hotel, and a +wretched apartment: but nevertheless a house in which several men of +merit, such as Gresset, Bordes, Abbe Malby, Condillac, and several +others, of whom unfortunately I found not one, had taken up their +quarters; but I there met with M. Bonnefond, a man unacquainted with the +world, lame, litigious, and who affected to be a purist. To him I owe +the acquaintance of M. Roguin, at present the oldest friend I have and by +whose means I became acquainted with Diderot, of whom I shall soon have +occasion to say a good deal. + +I arrived at Paris in the autumn of 1741, with fifteen louis in my purse, +and with my comedy of Narcissus and my musical project in my pocket. +These composed my whole stock; consequently I had not much time to lose +before I attempted to turn the latter to some advantage. I therefore +immediately thought of making use of my recommendations. + +A young man who arrives at Paris, with a tolerable figure, and announces +himself by his talents, is sure to be well received. This was my good +fortune, which procured me some pleasure without leading to anything +solid. Of all the persons to whom I was recommended, three only were +useful to me. M. Damesin, a gentleman of Savoy, at that time equerry, +and I believe favorite, of the Princess of Carignan; M. de Boze, +Secretary of the Academy of Inscriptions, and keeper of the medals of the +king's cabinet; and Father Castel, a Jesuit, author of the 'Clavecin +oculaire'.--[ocular harpsichord.] + +All these recommendations, except that to M. Damesin, were given me by +the Abbe de Malby. + +M. Damesin provided me with that which was most needful, by means of two +persons with whom he brought me acquainted. One was M. Gase, 'president +a mortier' of the parliament of Bordeaux, and who played very well upon +the violin; the other, the Abbe de Leon, who then lodged in the Sorbonne, +a young nobleman; extremely amiable, who died in the flower of his age, +after having, for a few moments, made a figure in the world under the +name of the Chevalier de Rohan. Both these gentlemen had an inclination +to learn composition. In this I gave them lessons for a few months, by +which means my decreasing purse received some little aid. The Abbe Leon +conceived a friendship for me, and wished me to become his secretary; but +he was far from being rich, and all the salary he could offer me was +eight hundred livres, which, with infinite regret, I refused; since it +was insufficient to defray the expenses of my lodging, food, and +clothing. + +I was well received by M. de Boze. He had a thirst for knowledge, of +which he possessed not a little, but was somewhat pedantic. Madam de +Boze much resembled him; she was lively and affected. I sometimes dined +with them, and it is impossible to be more awkward than I was in her +presence. Her easy manner intimidated me, and rendered mine more +remarkable. When she presented me a plate, I modestly put forward my +fork to take one of the least bits of what she offered me, which made her +give the plate to her servant, turning her head aside that I might not +see her laugh. She had not the least suspicion that in the head of the +rustic with whom she was so diverted there was some small portion of wit. +M. de Boze presented me to M. de Reaumur, his friend, who came to dine +with him every Friday, the day on which the Academy of Sciences met. He +mentioned to him my project, and the desire I had of having it examined +by the academy. M. de Reaumur consented to make the proposal, and his +offer was accepted. On the day appointed I was introduced and presented +by M. de Reaumur, and on the same day, August 22d, 1742, I had the honor +to read to the academy the memoir I had prepared for that purpose. +Although this illustrious assembly might certainly well be expected to +inspire me with awe, I was less intimidated on this occasion than I had +been in the presence of Madam de Boze, and I got tolerably well through +my reading and the answers I was obliged to give. The memoir was well +received, and acquired me some compliments by which I was equally +surprised and flattered, imagining that before such an assembly, whoever +was not a member of it could not have commonsense. The persons appointed +to examine my system were M. Mairan, M. Hellot, and M. de Fouchy, all +three men of merit, but not one of them understood music, at least not +enough of composition to enable them to judge of my project. + +During my conference with these gentlemen, I was convinced with no less +certainty than surprise, that if men of learning have sometimes fewer +prejudices than others, they more tenaciously retain those they have. +However weak or false most of their objections were, and although I +answered them with great timidity, and I confess, in bad terms, yet with +decisive reasons, I never once made myself understood, or gave them any +explanation in the least satisfactory. I was constantly surprised at the +facility with which, by the aid of a few sonorous phrases, they refuted, +without having comprehended me. They had learned, I know not where, that +a monk of the name of Souhaitti had formerly invented a mode of noting +the gamut by ciphers: a sufficient proof that my system was not new. +This might, perhaps, be the case; for although I had never heard of +Father Souhaitti, and notwithstanding his manner of writing the seven +notes without attending to the octaves was not, under any point of view, +worthy of entering into competition with my simple and commodious +invention for easily noting by ciphers every possible kind of music, +keys, rests, octaves, measure, time, and length of note; things on which +Souhaitti had never thought it was nevertheless true, that with respect +to the elementary expression of the seven notes, he was the first +inventor. + +But besides their giving to this primitive invention more importance than +was due to it, they went still further, and, whenever they spoke of the +fundamental principles of the system, talked nonsense. The greatest +advantage of my scheme was to supersede transpositions and keys, so that +the same piece of music was noted and transposed at will by means of the +change of a single initial letter at the head of the air. These +gentlemen had heard from the music--masters of Paris that the method of +executing by transposition was a bad one; and on this authority converted +the most evident advantage of my system into an invincible objection +against it, and affirmed that my mode of notation was good for vocal +music, but bad for instrumental; instead of concluding as they ought to +have done, that it was good for vocal, and still better for instrumental. +On their report the academy granted me a certificate full of fine +compliments, amidst which it appeared that in reality it judged my system +to be neither new nor useful. I did not think proper to ornament with +such a paper the work entitled 'Dissertation sur la musique moderne', by +which I appealed to the public. + +I had reason to remark on this occasion that, even with a narrow +understanding, the sole but profound knowledge of a thing is preferable +for the purpose of judging of it, to all the lights resulting from a +cultivation of the sciences, when to these a particular study of that in +question has not been joined. The only solid objection to my system was +made by Rameau. I had scarcely explained it to him before he discovered +its weak part. "Your signs," said he, "are very good inasmuch as they +clearly and simply determine the length of notes, exactly represent +intervals, and show the simple in the double note, which the common +notation does not do; but they are objectionable on account of their +requiring an operation of the mind, which cannot always accompany the +rapidity of execution. The position of our notes," continued he, "is +described to the eye without the concurrence of this operation. If two +notes, one very high and the other very low, be joined by a series of +intermediate ones, I see at the first glance the progress from one to the +other by conjoined degrees; but in your system, to perceive this series, +I must necessarily run over your ciphers one after the other; the glance +of the eye is here useless." The objection appeared to me +insurmountable, and I instantly assented to it. Although it be simple +and striking, nothing can suggest it but great knowledge and practice of +the art, and it is by no means astonishing that not one of the +academicians should have thought of it. But what creates much surprise +is, that these men of great learning, and who are supposed to possess so +much knowledge, should so little know that each ought to confine his +judgment to that which relates to the study with which he has been +conversant. + +My frequent visits to the literati appointed to examine my system and the +other academicians gave me an opportunity of becoming acquainted with the +most distinguished men of letters in Paris, and by this means the +acquaintance that would have been the consequence of my sudden admission +amongst them, which afterwards came to pass, was already established. +With respect to the present moment, absorbed in my new system of music, +I obstinately adhered to my intention of effecting a revolution in the +art, and by that means of acquiring a celebrity which, in the fine arts, +is in Paris mostly accompanied by fortune. I shut myself in my chamber +and labored three or four months with inexpressible ardor, in forming +into a work for the public eye, the memoir I had read before the academy. +The difficulty was to find a bookseller to take my manuscript; and this +on account of the necessary expenses for new characters, and because +booksellers give not their money by handfuls to young authors; although +to me it seemed but just my work should render me the bread I had eaten +while employed in its composition. + +Bonnefond introduced me to Quillau the father, with whom I agreed to +divide the profits, without reckoning the privilege, of which I paid the +whole expense. Such were the future proceedings of this Quillau that I +lost the expenses of my privilege, never having received a farthing from +that edition; which, probably, had but very middling success, although +the Abbe des Fontaines promised to give it celebrity, and, +notwithstanding the other journalists, had spoken of it very favorably. + +The greatest obstacle to making the experiment of my system was the fear, +in case of its not being received, of losing the time necessary to learn +it. To this I answered, that my notes rendered the ideas so clear, that +to learn music by means of the ordinary characters, time would be gained +by beginning with mine. To prove this by experience, I taught music +gratis to a young American lady, Mademoiselle des Roulins, with whom M. +Roguin had brought me acquainted. In three months she read every kind of +music, by means of my notation, and sung at sight better than I did +myself, any piece that was not too difficult. This success was +convincing, but not known; any other person would have filled the +journals with the detail, but with some talents for discovering useful +things, I never have possessed that of setting them off to advantage. + +Thus was my airy castle again overthrown; but this time I was thirty +years of age, and in Paris, where it is impossible to live for a trifle. +The resolution I took upon this occasion will astonish none but those by +whom the first part of these memoirs has not been read with attention. +I had just made great and fruitless efforts, and was in need of +relaxation. Instead of sinking with despair I gave myself up quietly to +my indolence and to the care of Providence; and the better to wait for +its assistance with patience, I lay down a frugal plan for the slow +expenditure of a few louis, which still remained in my possession, +regulating the expense of my supine pleasures without retrenching it; +going to the coffee-house but every other day, and to the theatre but +twice a week. With respect to the expenses of girls of easy virtue, I +had no retrenchment to make; never having in the whole course of my life +applied so much as a farthing to that use except once, of which I shall +soon have occasion to speak. The security, voluptuousness, and +confidence with which I gave myself up to this indolent and solitary +life, which I had not the means of continuing for three months, is one of +the singularities of my life, and the oddities of my disposition. The +extreme desire I had, the public should think of me was precisely what +discouraged me from showing myself; and the necessity of paying visits +rendered them to such a degree insupportable, that I ceased visiting the +academicians and other men of letters, with whom I had cultivated an +acquaintance. Marivaux, the Abbe Malby, and Fontenelle, were almost the +only persons whom I sometimes went to see. To the first I showed my +comedy of Narcissus. He was pleased with it, and had the goodness to +make in it some improvements. Diderot, younger than these, was much +about my own age. He was fond of music, and knew it theoretically; we +conversed together, and he communicated to me some of his literary +projects. This soon formed betwixt us a more intimate connection, which +lasted fifteen years, and which probably would still exist were not I, +unfortunately, and by his own fault, of the same profession with himself. + +It would be impossible to imagine in what manner I employed this short +and precious interval which still remained to me, before circumstances +forced me to beg my bread:--in learning by memory passages from the poets +which I had learned and forgotten a hundred times. Every morning at ten +o'clock, I went to walk in the Luxembourg with a Virgil and a Rousseau in +my pocket, and there, until the hour of dinner, I passed away the time in +restoring to my memory a sacred ode or a bucolic, without being +discouraged by forgetting, by the study of the morning, what I had +learned the evening before. I recollected that after the defeat of +Nicias at Syracuse the captive Athenians obtained a livelihood by +reciting the poems of Homer. The use I made of this erudition to ward +off misery was to exercise my happy memory by learning all the poets by +rote. + +I had another expedient, not less solid, in the game of chess, to which I +regularly dedicated, at Maugis, the evenings on which I did not go to the +theatre. I became acquainted with M. de Legal, M. Husson, Philidor, and +all the great chess players of the day, without making the least +improvement in the game. However, I had no doubt but, in the end, I +should become superior to them all, and this, in my own opinion, was a +sufficient resource. The same manner of reasoning served me in every +folly to which I felt myself inclined. I said to myself: whoever excels +in anything is sure to acquire a distinguished reception in society. Let +us therefore excel, no matter in what, I shall certainly be sought after; +opportunities will present themselves, and my own merit will do the rest. +This childishness was not the sophism of my reason; it was that of my +indolence. Dismayed at the great and rapid efforts which would have been +necessary to call forth my endeavors, I strove to flatter my idleness, +and by arguments suitable to the purpose, veiled from my own eyes the +shame of such a state. + +I thus calmly waited for the moment when I was to be without money; and +had not Father Castel, whom I sometimes went to see in my way to the +coffee-house, roused me from my lethargy, I believe I should have seen +myself reduced to my last farthing without the least emotion. Father +Castel was a madman, but a good man upon the whole; he was sorry to see +me thus impoverish myself to no purpose. "Since musicians and the +learned," said he, "do not sing by your scale, change the string, and +apply to the women. You will perhaps succeed better with them. I have +spoken of you to Madam de Beuzenval; go to her from me; she is a good +woman who will be glad to see the countryman of her son and husband. You +will find at her house Madam de Broglie, her daughter, who is a woman of +wit. Madam Dupin is another to whom I also have mentioned you; carry her +your work; she is desirous of seeing you, and will receive you well. No +thing is done in Paris without the women. They are the curves, of which +the wise are the asymptotes; they incessantly approach each other, but +never touch." + +After having from day to day delayed these very disagreeable steps, I at +length took courage, and called upon Madam de Beuzenval. She received me +with kindness; and Madam de Broglio entering the chamber, she said to +her: "Daughter, this is M. Rousseau, of whom Father Castel has spoken to +us." Madam de Broglie complimented me upon my work, and going to her +harpsichord proved to me she had already given it some attention. +Perceiving it to be about one o'clock, I prepared to take my leave. +Madam de Beuzenval said to me: "You are at a great distance from the +quarter of the town in which you reside; stay and dine here." I did not +want asking a second time. A quarter of an hour afterwards, +I understood, by a word, that the dinner to which she had invited me was +that of her servants' hall. Madam de Beuzenval was a very good kind of +woman, but of a confined understanding, and too full of her illustrious +Polish nobility: she had no idea of the respect due to talents. On this +occasion, likewise, she judged me by my manner rather than by my dress, +which, although very plain, was very neat, and by no means announced a +man to dine with servants. I had too long forgotten the way to the place +where they eat to be inclined to take it again. Without suffering my +anger to appear, I told Madam de Beuzenval that I had an affair of a +trifling nature which I had just recollected obliged me to return home, +and I immediately prepared to depart. Madam de Broglie approached her +mother, and whispered in her ear a few words which had their effect. +Madam de Beuzenval rose to prevent me from going, and said, "I expect +that you will do us the honor to dine with us." In this case I thought +to show pride would be a mark of folly, and I determined to stay. The +goodness of Madam de Broglie had besides made an impression upon me, and +rendered her interesting in my eyes. I was very glad to dine with her, +and hoped, that when she knew me better, she would not regret having +procured me that honor. The President de Lamoignon, very intimate in the +family, dined there also. He, as well as Madam de Broglie, was a master +of all the modish and fashionable small talk jargon of Paris. Poor Jean +Jacques was unable to make a figure in this way. I had sense enough not +to pretend to it, and was silent. Happy would it have been for me, had I +always possessed the same wisdom; I should not be in the abyss into which +I am now fallen. I was vexed at my own stupidity, and at being unable to +justify to Madam de Broglie what she had done in my favor. + +After dinner I thought of my ordinary resource. I had in my pocket an +epistle in verse, written to Parisot during my residence at Lyons. This +fragment was not without some fire, which I increased by my manner of +reading, and made them all three shed tears. Whether it was vanity, or +really the truth, I thought the eyes of Madam de Broglie seemed to say to +her mother: "Well, mamma, was I wrong in telling you this man was fitter +to dine with us than with your women?" Until then my heart had been +rather burdened, but after this revenge I felt myself satisfied. Madam +de Broglie, carrying her favorable opinion of me rather too far, thought +I should immediately acquire fame in Paris, and become a favorite with +fine ladies. To guide my inexperience she gave me the confessions of the +Count de -----." This book," said she, "is a Mentor, of which you will +stand in need in the great world. You will do well by sometimes +consulting it." I kept the book upwards of twenty years with a sentiment +of gratitude to her from whose hand I had received it, although I +frequently laughed at the opinion the lady seemed to have of my merit in +gallantry. From the moment I had read the work, I was desirous of +acquiring the friendship of the author. My inclination led me right; he +is the only real friend I ever possessed amongst men of letters. + + [I have so long been of the same opinion, and so perfectly convinced + of its being well founded, that since my return to Paris I confided + to him the manuscript of my confessions. The suspicious J. J. + never suspected perfidy and falsehood until he had been their + victim.] + +From this time I thought I might depend on the services of Madam the +Baroness of Beuzenval, and the Marchioness of Broglie, and that they +would not long leave me without resource. In this I was not deceived. +But I must now speak of my first visit to Madam Dupin, which produced +more lasting consequences. + +Madam Dupin was, as every one in Paris knows, the daughter of Samuel +Bernard and Madam Fontaine. There were three sisters, who might be +called the three graces. Madam de la Touche who played a little prank, +and went to England with the Duke of Kingston. Madam Darby, the eldest +of the three; the friend, the only sincere friend of the Prince of Conti; +an adorable woman, as well by her sweetness and the goodness of her +charming character, as by her agreeable wit and incessant cheerfulness. +Lastly, Madam Dupin, more beautiful than either of her sisters, and the +only one who has not been reproached with some levity of conduct. + +She was the reward of the hospitality of M. Dupin, to whom her mother +gave her in marriage with the place of farmer general and an immense +fortune, in return for the good reception he had given her in his +province. When I saw her for the first time, she was still one of the +finest women in Paris. She received me at her toilette, her arms were +uncovered, her hair dishevelled, and her combing-cloth ill-arranged. +This scene was new to me; it was too powerful for my poor head, I became +confused, my senses wandered; in short, I was violently smitten by Madam +Dupin. + +My confusion was not prejudicial to me; she did not perceive it. She +kindly received the book and the author; spoke with information of my +plan, sung, accompanied herself on the harpsichord, kept me to dinner, +and placed me at table by her side. Less than this would have turned my +brain; I became mad. She permitted me to visit her, and I abused the +permission. I went to see her almost every day, and dined with her twice +or thrice a week. I burned with inclination to speak, but never dared +attempt it. Several circumstances increased my natural timidity. +Permission to visit in an opulent family was a door open to fortune, and +in my situation I was unwilling to run the risk of shutting it against +myself. + +Madam Dupin, amiable as she was, was serious and unanimated; I found +nothing in her manners sufficiently alluring to embolden me. Her house, +at that time, as brilliant as any other in Paris, was frequented by +societies the less numerous, as the persons by whom they were composed +were chosen on account of some distinguished merit. She was fond of +seeing every one who had claims to a marked superiority; the great men of +letters, and fine women. No person was seen in her circle but dukes, +ambassadors, and blue ribbons. The Princess of Rohan, the Countess of +Forcalquier, Madam de Mirepoix, Madam de Brignole, and Lady Hervey, +passed for her intimate friends. The Abbes de Fontenelle, de Saint +Pierre, and Saltier, M. de Fourmont, M. de Berms, M. de Buffon, and M. de +Voltaire, were of her circle and her dinners. If her reserved manner did +not attract many young people, her society inspired the greater awe, as +it was composed of graver persons, and the poor Jean-Jacques had no +reason to flatter himself he should be able to take a distinguished part +in the midst of such superior talents. I therefore had not courage to +speak; but no longer able to contain myself, I took a resolution to +write. For the first two days she said not a word to me upon the +subject. On the third day, she returned me my letter, accompanying it +with a few exhortations which froze my blood. I attempted to speak, but +my words expired upon my lips; my sudden passion was extinguished with my +hopes, and after a declaration in form I continued to live with her upon +the same terms as before, without so much as speaking to her even by the +language of the eyes. + +I thought my folly was forgotten, but I was deceived. M. de Francueil, +son to M. Dupin, and son-in-law to Madam Dupin, was much the same with +herself and me. He had wit, a good person, and might have pretensions. +This was said to be the case, and probably proceeded from his mother-in- +law's having given him an ugly wife of a mild disposition, with whom, as +well as with her husband, she lived upon the best of terms. M. de +Francueil was fond of talents in others, and cultivated those he +possessed. Music, which he understood very well, was a means of +producing a connection between us. I frequently saw him, and he soon +gained my friendship. He, however, suddenly gave me to understand that +Madam Dupin thought my visits too frequent, and begged me to discontinue +them. Such a compliment would have been proper when she returned my +letter; but eight or ten days afterwards, and without any new cause, it +appeared to me ill-timed. This rendered my situation the more singular, +as M. and Madam de Francueil still continued to give me the same good +reception as before. + +I however made the intervals between my visits longer, and I should +entirely have ceased calling on them, had not Madam Dupin, by another +unexpected caprice, sent to desire I would for a few days take care of +her son, who changing his preceptor, remained alone during that interval. +I passed eight days in such torments as nothing but the pleasure of +obeying Madam Dupin could render supportable: I would not have undertaken +to pass eight other days like them had Madam Dupin given me herself for +the recompense. + +M. de Francueil conceived a friendship for me, and I studied with him. +We began together a course of chemistry at Rouelles. That I might be +nearer at hand, I left my hotel at Quentin, and went to lodge at the +Tennis Court, Rue Verdelet, which leads into the Rue Platiere, where M. +Dupin lived. There, in consequence of a cold neglected, I contracted an +inflammation of the lungs that had liked to have carried me off. In my +younger days I frequently suffered from inflammatory disorders, +pleurisies, and especially quinsies, to which I was very subject, and +which frequently brought me near enough to death to familiarize me to its +image. + +During my convalescence I had leisure to reflect upon my situation, and +to lament my timidity, weakness and indolence; these, notwithstanding the +fire with which I found myself inflamed, left me to languish in an +inactivity of mind, continually on the verge of misery. The evening +preceding the day on which I was taken ill, I went to an opera by Royer; +the name I have forgotten. Notwithstanding my prejudice in favor of the +talents of others, which has ever made me distrustful of my own, I still +thought the music feeble, and devoid of animation and invention. I +sometimes had the vanity to flatter myself: I think I could do better +than that. But the terrible idea I had formed of the composition of an +opera, and the importance I heard men of the profession affix to such an +undertaking, instantly discouraged me, and made me blush at having so +much as thought of it. Besides, where was I to find a person to write +the words, and one who would give himself the trouble of turning the +poetry to my liking? These ideas of music and the opera had possession +of my mind during my illness, and in the delirium of my fever I composed +songs, duets, and choruses. I am certain I composed two or three little +pieces, 'di prima infenzione', perhaps worthy of the admiration of +masters, could they have heard them executed. Oh, could an account be +taken of the dreams of a man in a fever, what great and sublime things +would sometimes proceed from his delirium! + +These subjects of music and opera still engaged my attention during my +convalescence, but my ideas were less energetic. Long and frequent +meditations, and which were often involuntary, and made such an +impression upon my mind that I resolved to attempt both words and music. +This was not the first time I had undertaken so difficult a task. Whilst +I was at Chambery I had composed an opera entitled 'Iphis and Anaxarete', +which I had the good sense to throw into the fire. At Lyons I had +composed another, entitled 'La Decouverte du Nouveau Monde', which, after +having read it to M. Bordes, the Abbes Malby, Trublet, and others, had +met the same fate, notwithstanding I had set the prologue and the first +act to music, and although David, after examining the composition, had +told me there were passages in it worthy of Buononcini. + +Before I began the work I took time to consider of my plan. In a heroic +ballet I proposed three different subjects, in three acts, detached from +each other, set to music of a different character, taking for each +subject the amours of a poet. I entitled this opera Les Muses Galantes. +My first act, in music strongly characterized, was Tasso; the second in +tender harmony, Ovid; and the third, entitled Anacreon, was to partake of +the gayety of the dithyrambus. I tried my skill on the first act, and +applied to it with an ardor which, for the first time, made me feel the +delightful sensation produced by the creative power of composition. One +evening, as I entered the opera, feeling myself strongly incited and +overpowered by my ideas, I put my money again into my pocket, returned to +my apartment, locked the door, and, having close drawn all the curtains, +that every ray of light might be excluded, I went to bed, abandoning +myself entirely to this musical and poetical 'oestrum', and in seven or +eight hours rapidly composed the greatest part of an act. I can truly +say my love for the Princess of Ferrara (for I was Tasso for the moment) +and my noble and lofty sentiment with respect to her unjust brother, +procured me a night a hundred times more delicious than one passed in the +arms of the princess would have been. In the morning but a very little +of what I had done remained in my head, but this little, almost effaced +by sleep and lassitude, still sufficiently evinced the energy of the +pieces of which it was the scattered remains. + +I this time did, not proceed far with my undertaking, being interrupted +by other affairs. Whilst I attached myself to the family of Dupin, Madam +de Beuzenval and Madam de Broglie, whom I continued to visit, had not +forgotten me. The Count de Montaigu, captain in the guards, had just +been appointed ambassador to Venice. He was an ambassador made by +Barjac, to whom he assiduously paid his court. His brother, the +Chevalier de Montaigu, 'gentilhomme de la manche' to the dauphin, was +acquainted with these ladies, and with the Abbe Alary of the French +academy, whom I sometimes visited. Madam de Broglie having heard the +ambassador was seeking a secretary, proposed me to him. A conference was +opened between us. I asked a salary of fifty guineas, a trifle for an +employment which required me to make some appearance. The ambassador was +unwilling to give more than a thousand livres, leaving me to make the +journey at my own expense. The proposal was ridiculous. We could not +agree, and M. de Francueil, who used all his efforts to prevent my +departure, prevailed. + +I stayed, and M. de Montaigu set out on his journey, taking with him +another secretary, one M. Follau, who had been recommended to him by the +office of foreign affairs. They no sooner arrived at Venice than they +quarrelled. Bollau perceiving he had to do with a madman, left him +there, and M. de Montaigu having nobody with him, except a young abbe of +the name of Binis, who wrote under the secretary, and was unfit to +succeed him, had recourse to me. The chevalier, his brother, a man of +wit, by giving me to understand there were advantages annexed to the +place of secretary, prevailed upon me to accept the thousand livres. +I was paid twenty louis in advance for my journey, and immediately +departed. + +At Lyons I would most willingly have taken the road to Mount Cenis, to +see my poor mamma. But I went down the Rhone, and embarked at Toulon, as +well on account of the war, and from a motive of economy, as to obtain a +passport from M. de Mirepoix, who then commanded in Provence, and to whom +I was recommended. M. de Montaigu not being able to do without me, wrote +letter after letter, desiring I would hasten my journey; this, however, +an accident considerably prolonged. + +It was at the time of the plague at Messina, and the English fleet had +anchored there, and visited the Felucca, on board of which I was, and +this circumstance subjected us, on our arrival, after a long and +difficult voyage, to a quarantine of one--and--twenty days. + +The passengers had the choice of performing it on board or in the +Lazaretto, which we were told was not yet furnished. They all chose the +Felucca. The insupportable heat, the closeness of the vessel, the +impossibility of walking in it, and the vermin with which it swarmed, +made me at all risks prefer the Lazaretto. I was therefore conducted to +a large building of two stories, quite empty, in which I found neither +window, bed, table, nor chair, not so much as even a joint-stool or +bundle of straw. My night sack and my two trunks being brought me, I was +shut in by great doors with huge locks, and remained at full liberty to +walk at my ease from chamber to chamber and story to story, everywhere +finding the same solitude and nakedness. + +This, however, did not induce me to repent that I had preferred the +Lazaretto to the Felucca; and, like another Robinson Crusoe, I began to +arrange myself for my one-and twenty days, just as I should have done for +my whole life. In the first place, I had the amusement of destroying the +vermin I had caught in the Felucca. As soon as I had got clear of these, +by means of changing my clothes and linen, I proceeded to furnish the +chamber I had chosen. I made a good mattress with my waistcoats and +shirts; my napkins I converted, by sewing them together, into sheets; my +robe de chambre into a counterpane; and my cloak into a pillow. I made +myself a seat with one of my trunks laid flat, and a table with the +other. I took out some writing paper and an inkstand, and distributed, +in the manner of a library, a dozen books which I had with me. In a +word, I so well arranged my few movables, that except curtains and +windows, I was almost as commodiously lodged in this Lazeretto, +absolutely empty as it was, as I had been at the Tennis Court in the Rue +Verdelet. My dinners were served with no small degree of pomp; they were +escorted by two grenadiers with bayonets fixed; the staircase was my +dining--room, the landing-place my table, and the steps served me for a +seat; and as soon as my dinner was served up a little bell was rung to +inform me I might sit down to table. + +Between my repasts, when I did not either read or write or work at the +furnishing of my apartment, I went to walk in the burying-ground of the +Protestants, which served me as a courtyard. From this place I ascended +to a lanthorn which looked into the harbor, and from which I could see +the ships come in and go out. In this manner I passed fourteen days, and +should have thus passed the whole time of the quarantine without the +least weariness had not M. Joinville, envoy from France, to whom I found +means to send a letter, vinegared, perfumed, and half burnt, procured +eight days of the time to be taken off: these I went and spent at his +house, where I confess I found myself better lodged than in the +Lazaretto. He was extremely civil to me. Dupont, his secretary, was a +good creature: he introduced me, as well at Genoa as in the country, to +several families, the company of which I found very entertaining and +agreeable; and I formed with him an acquaintance and a correspondence +which we kept up for a considerable length of time. I continued my +journey, very agreeably, through Lombardy. I saw Milan, Verona, Brescie, +and Padua, and at length arrived at Venice, where I was impatiently +expected by the ambassador. + +I found there piles of despatches, from the court and from other +ambassadors, the ciphered part of which he had not been able to read, +although he had all the ciphers necessary for that purpose, never having +been employed in any office, nor even seen the cipher of a minister. I +was at first apprehensive of meeting with some embarrassment; but I found +nothing could be more easy, and in less than a week I had deciphered the +whole, which certainly was not worth the trouble; for not to mention the +little activity required in the embassy of Venice, it was not to such a +man as M. de Montaigu that government would confide a negotiation of even +the most trifling importance. Until my arrival he had been much +embarrassed, neither knowing how to dictate nor to write legibly. I was +very useful to him, of which he was sensible; and he treated me well. To +this he was also induced by another motive. Since the time of M. de +Froulay, his predecessor, whose head became deranged, the consul from +France, M. le Blond, had been charged with the affairs of the embassy, +and after the arrival of M. de Montaigu, continued to manage them until +he had put him into the track. M. de Montaigu, hurt at this discharge of +his duty by another, although he himself was incapable of it, became +disgusted with the consul, and as soon as I arrived deprived him of the +functions of secretary to the embassy to give them to me. They were +inseparable from the title, and he told me to take it. As long as I +remained with him he never sent any person except myself under this title +to the senate, or to conference, and upon the whole it was natural enough +he should prefer having for secretary to the embassy a man attached to +him, to a consul or a clerk of office named by the court. + +This rendered my situation very agreeable, and prevented his gentlemen, +who were Italians, as well as his pages, and most of his suite from +disputing precedence with me in his house. I made an advantageous use of +the authority annexed to the title he had conferred upon me, by +maintaining his right of protection, that is, the freedom of his +neighborhood, against the attempts several times made to infringe it; +a privilege which his Venetian officers took no care to defend. +But I never permitted banditti to take refuge there, although this would +have produced me advantages of which his excellency would not have +disdained to partake. He thought proper, however, to claim a part of +those of the secretaryship, which is called the chancery. It was in time +of war, and there were many passports issued. For each of these +passports a sequin was paid to the secretary who made it out and +countersigned it. All my predecessors had been paid this sequin by +Frenchmen and others without distinction. I thought this unjust, and +although I was not a Frenchman, I abolished it in favor of the French; +but I so rigorously demanded my right from persons of every other nation, +that the Marquis de Scotti, brother to the favorite of the Queen of +Spain, having asked for a passport without taking notice of the sequin: I +sent to demand it; a boldness which the vindictive Italian did not +forget. As soon as the new regulation I had made, relative to passports, +was known, none but pretended Frenchmen, who in a gibberish the most +mispronounced, called themselves Provencals, Picards, or Burgundians, +came to demand them. My ear being very fine, I was not thus made a dupe, +and I am almost persuaded that not a single Italian ever cheated me of my +sequin, and that not one Frenchman ever paid it. I was foolish enough to +tell M. de Montaigu, who was ignorant of everything that passed, what I +had done. The word sequin made him open his ears, and without giving me +his opinion of the abolition of that tax upon the French, he pretended I +ought to account with him for the others, promising me at the same time +equivalent advantages. More filled with indignation at this meanness, +than concern for my own interest, I rejected his proposal. He insisted, +and I grew warm. "No, sir," said I, with some heat, "your excellency may +keep what belongs to you, but do not take from me that which is mine; I +will not suffer you to touch a penny of the perquisites arising from +passports." Perceiving he could gain nothing by these means he had +recourse to others, and blushed not to tell me that since I had +appropriated to myself the profits of the chancery, it was but just I +should pay the expenses. I was unwilling to dispute upon this subject, +and from that time I furnished at my own expense, ink, paper, wax, wax- +candle, tape, and even a new seal, for which he never reimbursed me to +the amount of a farthing. This, however, did not prevent my giving a +small part of the produce of the passports to the Abbe de Binis, a good +creature, and who was far from pretending to have the least right to any +such thing. If he was obliging to me my politeness to him was an +equivalent, and we always lived together on the best of terms. + +On the first trial I made of his talents in my official functions, +I found him less troublesome than I expected he would have been, +considering he was a man without experience, in the service of an +ambassador who possessed no more than himself, and whose ignorance and +obstinacy constantly counteracted everything with which common-sense and +some information inspired me for his service and that of the king. The +next thing the ambassador did was to connect himself with the Marquis +Mari, ambassador from Spain, an ingenious and artful man, who, had he +wished so to do, might have led him by the nose, yet on account of the +union of the interests of the two crowns he generally gave him good +advice, which might have been of essential service, had not the other, by +joining his own opinion, counteracted it in the execution. The only +business they had to conduct in concert with each other was to engage the +Venetians to maintain their neutrality. These did not neglect to give +the strongest assurances of their fidelity to their engagement at the +same time that they publicly furnished ammunition to the Austrian troops, +and even recruits under pretense of desertion. M. de Montaigu, who I +believe wished to render himself agreeable to the republic, failed not on +his part, notwithstanding my representation to make me assure the +government in all my despatches, that the Venetians would never violate +an article of the neutrality. The obstinacy and stupidity of this poor +wretch made me write and act extravagantly: I was obliged to be the agent +of his folly, because he would have it so, but he sometimes rendered my +employment insupportable and the functions of it almost impracticable. +For example, he insisted on the greatest part of his despatches to the +king, and of those to the minister, being written in cipher, although +neither of them contained anything that required that precaution. I +represented to him that between the Friday, the day the despatches from +the court arrived, and Saturday, on which ours were sent off, there was +not sufficient time to write so much in cipher, and carry on the +considerable correspondence with which I was charged for the same +courier. He found an admirable expedient, which was to prepare on +Thursday the answer to the despatches we were expected to receive on the +next day. This appeared to him so happily imagined, that notwithstanding +all I could say on the impossibility of the thing, and the absurdity of +attempting its execution, I was obliged to comply during the whole time I +afterwards remained with him, after having made notes of the few loose +words he spoke to me in the course of the week, and of some trivial +circumstances which I collected by hurrying from place to place. +Provided with these materials I never once failed carrying to him on the +Thursday morning a rough draft of the despatches which were to be sent +off on Saturday, excepting the few additions and corrections I hastily +made in answer to the letters which arrived on the Friday, and to which +ours served for answer. He had another custom, diverting enough and +which made his correspondence ridiculous beyond imagination. He sent +back all information to its respective source, instead of making it +follow its course. To M. Amelot he transmitted the news of the court; to +M. Maurepas, that of Paris; to M. d' Havrincourt, the news from Sweden; +to M. de Chetardie, that from Petersbourg; and sometimes to each of those +the news they had respectively sent to him, and which I was employed to +dress up in terms different from those in which it was conveyed to us. +As he read nothing of what I laid before him, except the despatches for +the court, and signed those to other ambassadors without reading them, +this left me more at liberty to give what turn I thought proper to the +latter, and in these therefore I made the articles of information cross +each other. But it was impossible for-me to do the same by despatches of +importance; and I thought myself happy when M. de Montaigu did not take +it into his head to cram into them an impromptu of a few lines after his +manner. This obliged me to return, and hastily transcribe the whole +despatch decorated with his new nonsense, and honor it with the cipher, +without which he would have refused his signature. I was frequently +almost tempted, for the sake of his reputation, to cipher something +different from what he had written, but feeling that nothing could +authorize such a deception, I left him to answer for his own folly, +satisfying myself with having spoken to him with freedom, and discharged +at my own peril the duties of my station. This is what I always did with +an uprightness, a zeal and courage, which merited on his part a very +different recompense from that which in the end I received from him. It +was time I should once be what Heaven, which had endowed me with a happy +disposition, what the education that had been given me by the best of +women, and that I had given myself, had prepared me for, and I became so. +Left to my own reflections, without a friend or advice, without +experience, and in a foreign country, in the service of a foreign nation, +surrounded by a crowd of knaves, who, for their own interest, and to +avoid the scandal of good example, endeavored to prevail upon me to +imitate them; far from yielding to their solicitations, I served France +well, to which I owed nothing, and the ambassador still better, as it was +right and just I should do to the utmost of my power. Irreproachable in +a post, sufficiently exposed to censure, I merited and obtained the +esteem of the republic, that of all the ambassadors with whom we were in +correspondence, and the affection of the French who resided at Venice, +not even excepting the consul, whom with regret I supplanted in the +functions which I knew belonged to him, and which occasioned me more +embarrassment than they afforded me satisfaction. + +M. de Montaigu, confiding without reserve to the Marquis Mari, who did +not thoroughly understand his duty, neglected it to such a degree that +without me the French who were at Venice would not have perceived that an +ambassador from their nation resided there. Always put off without being +heard when they stood in need of his protection, they became disgusted +and no longer appeared in his company or at his table, to which indeed he +never invited them. I frequently did from myself what it was his duty to +have done; I rendered to the French, who applied to me, all the services +in my power. In any other country I should have done more, but, on +account of my employment, not being able to see persons in place, I was +often obliged to apply to the consul, and the consul, who was settled in +the country with his family, had many persons to oblige, which prevented +him from acting as he otherwise would have done. However, perceiving him +unwilling and afraid to speak, I ventured hazardous measures, which +sometimes succeeded. I recollect one which still makes me laugh. No +person would suspect it was to me, the lovers of the theatre at Paris, +owe Coralline and her sister Camille, nothing however, can be more true. +Veronese, their father, had engaged himself with his children in the +Italian company, and after having received two thousand livres for the +expenses of his journey, instead of setting out for France, quietly +continued at Venice, and accepted an engagement in the theatre of Saint +Luke, to which Coralline, a child as she still was, drew great numbers of +people. The Duke de Greves, as first gentleman of the chamber, wrote to +the ambassador to claim the father and the daughter. M. de Montaigu when +he gave me the letter, confined his instructions to saying, 'voyez cela', +examine and pay attention to this. I went to M. Blond to beg he would +speak to the patrician, to whom the theatre belonged, and who, I believe, +was named Zustinian, that he might discharge Veronese, who had engaged in +the name of the king. Le Blond, to whom the commission was not very +agreeable, executed it badly. + +Zustinian answered vaguely, and Veronese was not discharged. I was +piqued at this. It was during the carnival, and having taken the bahute +and a mask, I set out for the palace Zustinian. Those who saw my gondola +arrive with the livery of the ambassador, were lost in astonishment. +Venice had never seen such a thing. I entered, and caused myself to be +announced by the name of 'Una Siora Masehera'. As soon as I was +introduced I took off my mask and told my name. The senator turned pale +and appeared stupefied with surprise. "Sir;" said I to him in Venetian, +"it is with much regret I importune your excellency with this visit; but +you have in your theatre of Saint Luke, a man of the name of Veronese, +who is engaged in the service of the king, and whom you have been +requested, but in vain, to give up: I come to claim him in the name of +his majesty." My short harangue was effectual. I had no sooner left the +palace than Zustinian ran to communicate the adventure to the state +inquisitors, by whom he was severely reprehended. Veronese was +discharged the same day. I sent him word that if he did not set off +within a week I would have him arrested. He did not wait for my giving +him this intimation a second time. + +On another occasion I relieved from difficulty solely by my own means, +and almost without the assistance of any other person, the captain of a +merchant-ship. This was one Captain Olivet, from Marseilles; the name of +the vessel I have forgotten. His men had quarreled with the Sclavonians +in the service of the republic, some violence had been committed, and the +vessel was under so severe an embargo that nobody except the master was +suffered to go on board or leave it without permission. He applied to +the ambassador, who would hear nothing he had to say. He afterwards went +to the consul, who told him it was not an affair of commerce, and that he +could not interfere in it. Not knowing what further steps to take he +applied to me. I told M. de Montaigu he ought to permit me to lay before +the senate a memoir on the subject. I do not recollect whether or not he +consented, or that I presented the memoir; but I perfectly remember that +if I did it was ineffectual, and the embargo still continuing, I took +another method, which succeeded. I inserted a relation of the affairs in +one of our letters to M. de Maurepas, though I had difficulty in +prevailing upon M. de Montaigne to suffer the article to pass. + +I knew that our despatches, although their contents were insignificant, +were opened at Venice. Of this I had a proof by finding the articles +they contained, verbatim in the gazette, a treachery of which I had in +vain attempted to prevail upon the ambassador to complain. My object in +speaking of the affair in the letter was to turn the curiosity of the +ministers of the republic to advantage, to inspire them with some +apprehensions, and to induce the state to release the vessel: for had it +been necessary to this effect to wait for an answer from the court, the +captain would have been ruined before it could have arrived. I did still +more, I went alongside the vessel to make inquiries of the ship's +company. I took with me the Abbe Patizel, chancellor of the consulship, +who would rather have been excused, so much were these poor creatures +afraid of displeasing the Senate. As I could not go on board, on account +of the order from the states, I remained in my gondola, and there took +the depositions successively, interrogating each of the mariners, and +directing my questions in such a manner as to produce answers which might +be to their advantage. I wished to prevail upon Patizel to put the +questions and take depositions himself, which in fact was more his +business than mine; but to this he would not consent; he never once +opened his mouth and refused to sign the depositions after me. This +step, somewhat bold, was however, successful, and the vessel was released +long before an answer came from the minister. The captain wished to make +me a present; but without being angry with him on that account, I tapped +him on the shoulder, saying, "Captain Olivet, can you imagine that he who +does not receive from the French his perquisite for passports, which he +found his established right, is a man likely to sell them the king's +protection?" He, however, insisted on giving me a dinner on board his +vessel, which I accepted, and took with me the secretary to the Spanish +embassy, M. Carrio, a man of wit and amiable manners, to partake of it: +he has since been secretary to the Spanish embassy at Paris and charge +des affaires. I had formed an intimate connection with him after the +example of our ambassadors. + +Happy should I have been, if, when in the most disinterested manner I did +all the service I could, I had known how to introduce sufficient order +into all these little details, that I might not have served others at my +own expense. But in employments similar to that I held, in which the +most trifling faults are of consequence, my whole attention was engaged +in avoiding all such mistakes as might be detrimental to my service. I +conducted, till the last moment, everything relative to my immediate +duty, with the greatest order and exactness. Excepting a few errors +which a forced precipitation made me commit in ciphering, and of which +the clerks of M. Amelot once complained, neither the ambassador nor any +other person had ever the least reason to reproach me with negligence in +any one of my functions. This is remarkable in a man so negligent as I +am. But my memory sometimes failed me, and I was not sufficiently +careful in the private affairs with which I was charged; however, a love +of justice always made me take the loss on myself, and this voluntarily, +before anybody thought of complaining. I will mention but one +circumstance of this nature; it relates to my departure from Venice, and +I afterwards felt the effects of it in Paris. + +Our cook, whose name was Rousselot, had brought from France an old note +for two hundred livres, which a hairdresser, a friend of his, had +received from a noble Venetian of the name of Zanetto Nani, who had had +wigs of him to that amount. Rousselot brought me the note, begging I +would endeavor to obtain payment of some part of it, by way of +accommodation. I knew, and he knew it also, that the constant custom of +noble Venetians was, when once returned to their country, never to pay +the debts they had contracted abroad. When means are taken to force them +to payment, the wretched creditor finds so many delays, and incurs such +enormous expenses, that he becomes disgusted and concludes by giving up +his debtor accepting the most trifling composition. I begged M. le Blond +to speak to Zanetto. The Venetian acknowledged the note, but did not +agree to payment. After a long dispute he at length promised three +sequins; but when Le Blond carried him the note even these were not +ready, and it was necessary to wait. In this interval happened my +quarrel with the ambassador and I quitted his service. I had left the +papers of the embassy in the greatest order, but the note of Rousselot +was not to be found. M. le Blond assured me he had given it me back. I +knew him to be too honest a man to have the least doubt of the matter; +but it was impossible for me to recollect what I had done with it. As +Zanetto had acknowledged the debt, I desired M. le Blond to endeavor to +obtain from him the three sequins on giving him a receipt for the amount, +or to prevail upon him to renew the note by way of duplicate. Zanetto, +knowing the note to be lost, would not agree to either. I offered +Rousselot the three sequins from my own purse, as a discharge of the +debt. He refused them, and said I might settle the matter with the +creditor at Paris, of whom he gave me the address. The hair-dresser, +having been informed of what had passed, would either have his note or +the whole sum for which it was given. What, in my indignation, would I +have given to have found this vexatious paper! I paid the two hundred +livres, and that in my greatest distress. In this manner the loss of the +note produced to the creditor the payment of the whole sum, whereas had +it, unfortunately for him, been found, he would have had some difficulty +in recovering even the ten crowns, which his excellency, Zanetto Nani, +had promised to pay. + +The talents I thought I felt in myself for my employment made me +discharge the functions of it with satisfaction, and except the society +of my friend de Carrio, that of the virtuous Altuna, of whom I shall soon +have an occasion to speak, the innocent recreations of the place Saint +Mark, of the theatre, and of a few visits which we, for the most part, +made together, my only pleasure was in the duties of my station. +Although these were not considerable, especially with the aid of the Abbe +de Binis, yet as the correspondence was very extensive and there was a +war, I was a good deal employed. I applied to business the greatest part +of every morning, and on the days previous to the departure of the +courier, in the evenings, and sometimes till midnight. The rest of my +time I gave to the study of the political professions I had entered upon, +and in which I hoped, from my successful beginning, to be advantageously +employed. In fact I was in favor with every one; the ambassador himself +spoke highly of my services, and never complained of anything I did for +him; his dissatisfaction proceeded from my having insisted on quitting +him, inconsequence of the useless complaints I had frequently made on +several occasions. The ambassadors and ministers of the king with whom +we were in correspondence complimented him on the merit of his secretary, +in a manner by which he ought to have been flattered, but which in his +poor head produced quite a contrary effect. He received one in +particular relative to an affair of importance, for which he never +pardoned me. + +He was so incapable of bearing the least constraint, that on the +Saturday, the day of the despatches for most of the courts he could not +contain himself, and wait till the business was done before he went out, +and incessantly pressing me to hasten the despatches to the king and +ministers, he signed them with precipitation, and immediately went I know +not where, leaving most of the other letters without signing; this +obliged me, when these contained nothing but news, to convert them into +journals; but when affairs which related to the king were in question it +was necessary somebody should sign, and I did it. This once happened +relative to some important advice we had just received from M. Vincent, +charge des affaires from the king, at Vienna. The Prince Lobkowitz was +then marching to Naples, and Count Gages had just made the most memorable +retreat, the finest military manoeuvre of the whole century, of which +Europe has not sufficiently spoken. The despatch informed us that a man, +whose person M. Vincent described, had set out from Vienna, and was to +pass by Venice, in his way into Abruzzo, where he was secretly to stir up +the people at the approach of the Austrians. + +In the absence of M. le Comte de Montaigu, who did not give himself the +least concern about anything, I forwarded this advice to the Marquis de +l'Hopital, so apropos, that it is perhaps to the poor Jean Jacques, so +abused and laughed at, that the house of Bourbon owes the preservation of +the kingdom of Naples. + +The Marquis de l'Hopital, when he thanked his colleague, as it was proper +he should do, spoke to him of his secretary, and mentioned the service he +had just rendered to the common cause. The Comte de Montaigu, who in +that affair had to reproach himself with negligence, thought he perceived +in the compliment paid him by M. de l'Hopital, something like a reproach, +and spoke of it to me with signs of ill-humor. I found it necessary to +act in the same manner with the Count de Castellane, ambassador at +Constantinople, as I had done with the Marquis de l'Hopital, although in +things of less importance. As there was no other conveyance to +Constantinople than by couriers, sent from time to time by the senate to +its Bailli, advice of their departure was given to the ambassador of +France, that he might write by them to his colleague, if he thought +proper so to do. This advice was commonly sent a day or two beforehand; +but M. de Montaigu was held in so little respect, that merely for the +sake of form he was sent to, a couple of hours before the couriers set +off. This frequently obliged me to write the despatch in his absence. +M. de Castellane, in his answer made honorable mention of me; M. de +Jonville, at Genoa, did the same, and these instances of their regard and +esteem became new grievances. + +I acknowledge I did not neglect any opportunity of making myself known; +but I never sought one improperly, and in serving well I thought I had a +right to aspire to the natural return for essential services; the esteem +of those capable of judging of, and rewarding them. I will not say +whether or not my exactness in discharging the duties of my employment +was a just subject of complaint from the ambassador; but I cannot refrain +from declaring that it was the sole grievance he ever mentioned previous +to our separation. + +His house, which he had never put on a good footing, was constantly +filled with rabble; the French were ill-treated in it, and the ascendancy +was given to the Italians; of these even, the more honest part, they who +had long been in the service of the embassy, were indecently discharged, +his first gentleman in particular, whom he had taken from the Comte de +Froulay, and who, if I remember right, was called Comte de Peati, or +something very like that name. The second gentleman, chosen by M. de +Montaigu, was an outlaw highwayman from Mantua, called Dominic Vitali, to +whom the ambassador intrusted the care of his house, and who had by means +of flattery and sordid economy, obtained his confidence, and became his +favorite to the great prejudice of the few honest people he still had +about him, and of the secretary who was at their head. The countenance +of an upright man always gives inquietude to knaves. Nothing more was +necessary to make Vitali conceive a hatred against me: but for this +sentiment there was still another cause which rendered it more cruel. Of +this I must give an account, that I may be condemned if I am found in the +wrong. + +The ambassador had, according to custom, a box at each of the theaters. +Every day at dinner he named the theater to which it was his intention to +go: I chose after him, and the gentlemen disposed of the other boxes. +When I went out I took the key of the box I had chosen. One day, Vitali +not being in the way, I ordered the footman who attended on me, to bring +me the key to a house which I named to him. Vitali, instead of sending +the key, said he had disposed of it. I was the more enraged at this as +the footman delivered his message in public. In the evening Vitali +wished to make me some apology, to which however I would not listen. +"To--morrow, sir," said I to him, "you will come at such an hour and +apologize to me in the house where I received the affront, and in the +presence of the persons who were witnesses to it; or after to--morrow, +whatever may be the consequences, either you or I will leave the house." +This firmness intimidated him. He came to the house at the hour +appointed, and made me a public apology, with a meanness worthy of +himself. But he afterwards took his measures at leisure, and at the same +time that he cringed to me in public, he secretly acted in so vile a +manner, that although unable to prevail on the ambassador to give me my +dismission, he laid me under the necessity of resolving to leave him. + +A wretch like him, certainly, could not know me, but he knew enough of my +character to make it serviceable to his purposes. He knew I was mild to +an excess, and patient in bearing involuntary wrongs; but haughty and +impatient when insulted with premeditated offences; loving decency and +dignity in things in which these were requisite, and not more exact in +requiring the respect due to myself, than attentive in rendering that +which I owed to others. In this he undertook to disgust me, and in this +he succeeded. He turned the house upside down, and destroyed the order +and subordination I had endeavored to establish in it. A house without a +woman stands in need of rather a severe discipline to preserve that +modesty which is inseparable from dignity. He soon converted ours into a +place of filthy debauch and scandalous licentiousness, the haunt of +knaves and debauchees. He procured for second gentleman to his +excellency, in the place of him whom he got discharged, another pimp like +himself, who kept a house of ill--fame, at the Cross of Malta; and the +indecency of these two rascals was equalled by nothing but their +insolence. Except the bed-chamber of the ambassador, which, however, was +not in very good order, there was not a corner in the whole house +supportable to an modest man. + +As his excellency did not sup, the gentleman and myself had a private +table, at which the Abbe Binis and the pages also eat. In the most +paltry ale-house people are served with more cleanliness and decency, +have cleaner linen, and a table better supplied. We had but one little +and very filthy candle, pewter plates, and iron forks. + +I could have overlooked what passed in secret, but I was deprived of my +gondola. I was the only secretary to an ambassador, who was obliged to +hire one or go on foot, and the livery of his excellency no longer +accompanied me, except when I went to the senate. Besides, everything +which passed in the house was known in the city. All those who were in +the service of the other ambassadors loudly exclaimed; Dominic, the only +cause of all, exclaimed louder than anybody, well knowing the indecency +with which we were treated was more affecting to me than to any other +person. Though I was the only one in the house who said nothing of the +matter abroad, I complained loudly of it to the ambassador, as well as of +himself, who, secretly excited by the wretch, entirely devoted to his +will, daily made me suffer some new affront. Obliged to spend a good +deal to keep up a footing with those in the same situation with myself, +and to make are appearance proper to my employment, I could not touch a +farthing of my salary, and when I asked him for money, he spoke of his +esteem for me, and his confidence, as if either of these could have +filled my purse, and provided for everything. + +These two banditti at length quite turned the head of their master, who +naturally had not a good one, and ruined him by a continual traffic, and +by bargains, of which he was the dupe, whilst they persuaded him they +were greatly in his favor. They persuaded him to take upon the Brenta, a +Palazzo, at twice the rent it was worth, and divided the surplus with the +proprietor. The apartments were inlaid with mosaic, and ornamented with +columns and pilasters, in the taste of the country. M. de Montaigu, had +all these superbly masked by fir wainscoting, for no other reason than +because at Paris apartments were thus fitted up. It was for a similar +reason that he only, of all the ambassadors who were at Venice, took from +his pages their swords, and from his footmen their canes. Such was the +man, who, perhaps from the same motive took a dislike to me on account of +my serving him faithfully. + +I patiently endured his disdain, his brutality, and ill-treatment, as +long as, perceiving them accompanied by ill-humor, I thought they had in +them no portion of hatred; but the moment I saw the design formed of +depriving me of the honor I merited by my faithful services, I resolved +to resign my employment. The first mark I received of his ill will was +relative to a dinner he was to give to the Duke of Modena and his family, +who were at Venice, and at which he signified to me I should not be +present. I answered, piqued, but not angry, that having the honor daily +to dine at his table, if the Duke of Modena, when he came, required I +should not appear at it, my duty as well as the dignity of his excellency +would not suffer me to consent to such a request. "How;" said he +passionately, "my secretary, who is not a gentleman, pretends to dine +with a sovereign when my gentlemen do not!" "Yes, sir," replied I, "the +post with which your excellency has honored me, as long as I discharge +the functions of it, so far ennobles me that my rank is superior to that +of your gentlemen or of the persons calling themselves such; and I am +admitted where they cannot appear. You cannot but know that on the day +on which you shall make your public entry, I am called to the ceremony by +etiquette; and by an immemorial custom, to follow you in a dress of +ceremony, and afterwards to dine with you at the palace of St. Mark; and +I know not why a man who has a right and is to eat in public with the +doge and the senate of Venice should not eat in private with the Duke of +Modena." Though this argument was unanswerable, it did not convince the +ambassador; but we had no occasion to renew the dispute, as the Duke of +Modena did not come to dine with him. + +From that moment he did everything in his power to make things +disagreeable to me; and endeavored unjustly to deprive me of my rights, +by taking from me the pecuniary advantages annexed to my employment, to +give them to his dear Vitali; and I am convinced that had he dared to +send him to the senate, in my place, he would have done it. He commonly +employed the Abbe Binis in his closet, to write his private letters: he +made use of him to write to M. de Maurepas an account of the affair of +Captain Olivet, in which, far from taking the least notice of me, the +only person who gave himself any concern about the matter, he deprived me +of the honor of the depositions, of which he sent him a duplicate, for +the purpose of attributing them to Patizel, who had not opened his mouth. +He wished to mortify me, and please his favorite; but had no desire to +dismiss me his service. He perceived it would be more difficult to find +me a successor, than M. Follau, who had already made him known to the +world. An Italian secretary was absolutely necessary to him, on account +of the answers from the senate; one who could write all his despatches, +and conduct his affairs, without his giving himself the least trouble +about anything; a person who, to the merit of serving him well, could +join the baseness of being the toad-eater of his gentlemen, without +honor, merit, or principles. He wished to retain, and humble me, by +keeping me far from my country, and his own, without money to return to +either, and in which he would, perhaps, had succeeded, had he began with +more moderation: but Vitali, who had other views, and wished to force me +to extremities, carried his point. The moment I perceived, I lost all my +trouble, that the ambassador imputed to me my services as so many crimes, +instead of being satisfied with them; that with him I had nothing to +expect, but things disagreeable at home, and injustice abroad; and that, +in the general disesteem into which he was fallen, his ill offices might +be prejudicial to me, without the possibility of my being served by his +good ones; I took my resolution, and asked him for my dismission, leaving +him sufficient time to provide himself with another secretary. Without +answering yes or no, he continued to treat me in the same manner, as if +nothing had been said. Perceiving things to remain in the same state, +and that he took no measures to procure himself a new secretary, I wrote +to his brother, and, explaining to him my motives, begged he would obtain +my dismission from his excellency, adding that whether I received it or +not, I could not possibly remain with him. I waited a long time without +any answer, and began to be embarrassed: but at length the ambassador +received a letter from his brother, which must have remonstrated with him +in very plain terms; for although he was extremely subject to ferocious +rage, I never saw him so violent as on this occasion. After torrents of +unsufferable reproaches, not knowing what more to say, he accused me of +having sold his ciphers. I burst into a loud laughter, and asked him, in +a sneering manner, if he thought there was in Venice a man who would be +fool enough to give half a crown for them all. He threatened to call his +servants to throw me out of the window. Until then I had been very +composed; but on this threat, anger and indignation seized me in my turn. +I sprang to the door, and after having turned a button which fastened it +within: "No, count," said I, returning to him with a grave step, "Your +servants shall have nothing to do with this affair; please to let it be +settled between ourselves." My action and manner instantly made him +calm; fear and surprise were marked in his countenance. The moment I saw +his fury abated, I bid him adieu in a very few words, and without waiting +for his answer, went to the door, opened it, and passed slowly across the +antechamber, through the midst of his people, who rose according to +custom, and who, I am of opinion, would rather have lent their assistance +against him than me. Without going back to my apartment, I descended the +stairs, and immediately went out of the palace never more to enter it. + +I hastened immediately to M. le Blond and related to him what had +happened. Knowing the man, he was but little surprised. He kept me to +dinner. This dinner, although without preparation, was splendid. +All the French of consequence who were at Venice, partook of it. +The ambassador had not a single person. The consul related my case to +the company. The cry was general, and by no means in favor of his +excellency. He had not settled my account, nor paid me a farthing, +and being reduced to the few louis I had in my pocket, I was extremely +embarrassed about my return to France. Every purse was opened to me. +I took twenty sequins from that of M. le Blond, and as many from that of +M. St. Cyr, with whom, next to M. le Blond, I was the most intimately +connected. I returned thanks to the rest; and, till my departure, went +to lodge at the house of the chancellor of the consulship, to prove to +the public, the nation was not an accomplice in the injustice of the +ambassador. + +His excellency, furious at seeing me taken notice of in my misfortune, at +the same time that, notwithstanding his being an ambassador, nobody went +near his house, quite lost his senses and behaved like a madman. He +forgot himself so far as to present a memoir to the senate to get me +arrested. On being informed of this by the Abbe de Binis, I resolved to +remain a fortnight longer, instead of setting off the next day as I had +intended. My conduct had been known and approved of by everybody; I was +universally esteemed. The senate did not deign to return an answer to +the extravagant memoir of the ambassador, but sent me word I might remain +in Venice as long as I thought proper, without making myself uneasy about +the attempts of a madman. I continued to see my friends: I went to take +leave of the ambassador from Spain, who received me well, and of the +Comte de Finochietti, minister from Naples, whom I did not find at home. +I wrote him a letter and received from his excellency the most polite and +obliging answer. At length I took my departure, leaving behind me, +notwithstanding my embarrassment, no other debts than the two sums I had +borrowed, and of which I have just spoken; and an account of fifty crowns +with a shopkeeper, of the name of Morandi, which Carrio promised to pay, +and which I have never reimbursed him, although we have frequently met +since that time; but with respect to the two sums of money, I returned +them very exactly the moment I had it in my power. + +I cannot take leave of Venice without saying something of the celebrated +amusements of that city, or at least of the little part of them of which +I partook during my residence there. It has been seen how little in my +youth I ran after the pleasures of that age, or those that are so called. +My inclinations did not change at Venice, but my occupations, which +moreover would have prevented this, rendered more agreeable to me the +simple recreations I permitted myself. The first and most pleasing of +all was the society of men of merit. M. le Blond, de St. Cyr, Carrio +Altuna, and a Forlinian gentleman, whose name I am very sorry to have +forgotten, and whom I never call to my recollection without emotion: he +was the man of all I ever knew whose heart most resembled my own. We +were connected with two or three Englishmen of great wit and information, +and, like ourselves, passionately fond of music. All these gentlemen had +their wives, female friends, or mistresses: the latter were most of them +women of talents, at whose apartments there were balls and concerts. +There was but little play; a lively turn, talents, and the theatres +rendered this amusement incipid. Play is the resource of none but men +whose time hangs heavy on their hands. I had brought with me from Paris +the prejudice of that city against Italian music; but I had also received +from nature a sensibility and niceness of distinction which prejudice +cannot withstand. I soon contracted that passion for Italian music with +which it inspires all those who are capable of feeling its excellence. +In listening to barcaroles, I found I had not yet known what singing was, +and I soon became so fond of the opera that, tired of babbling, eating, +and playing in the boxes when I wished to listen, I frequently withdrew +from the company to another part of the theater. There, quite alone, +shut up in my box, I abandoned myself, notwithstanding the length of the +representation, to the pleasure of enjoying it at ease unto the +conclusion. One evening at the theatre of Saint Chrysostom, I fell into +a more profound sleep than I should have done in my bed. The loud and +brilliant airs did not disturb my repose. But who can explain the +delicious sensations given me by the soft harmony of the angelic music, +by which I was charmed from sleep; what an awaking! what ravishment! +what ecstasy, when at the same instant I opened my ears and eyes! My +first idea was to believe I was in paradise. The ravishing air, which I +still recollect and shall never forget, began with these words: + + Conservami la bella, + Che si m'accende il cor. + +I was desirous of having it; I had and kept it for a time; but it was not +the same thing upon paper as in my head. The notes were the same but the +thing was different. This divine composition can never be executed but +in my mind, in the same manner as it was the evening on which it woke me +from sleep. + +A kind of music far superior, in my opinion, to that of operas, and which +in all Italy has not its equal, nor perhaps in the whole world, is that +of the 'scuole'. The 'scuole' are houses of charity, established for the +education of young girls without fortune, to whom the republic afterwards +gives a portion either in marriage or for the cloister. Amongst talents +cultivated in these young girls, music is in the first rank. Every +Sunday at the church of each of the four 'scuole', during vespers, +motettos or anthems with full choruses, accompanied by a great orchestra, +and composed and directed by the best masters in Italy, are sung in the +galleries by girls only; not one of whom is more than twenty years of +age. I have not an idea of anything so voluptuous and affecting as this +music; the richness of the art, the exquisite taste of the vocal part, +the excellence of the voices, the justness of the execution, everything +in these delightful concerts concurs to produce an impression which +certainly is not the mode, but from which I am of opinion no heart is +secure. Carrio and I never failed being present at these vespers of the +'Mendicanti', and we were not alone. The church was always full of the +lovers of the art, and even the actors of the opera came there to form +their tastes after these excellent models. What vexed me was the iron +grate, which suffered nothing to escape but sounds, and concealed from me +the angels of which they were worthy. I talked of nothing else. One day +I spoke of it at Le Blond's; "If you are so desirous," said he, "to see +those little girls, it will be an easy matter to satisfy your wishes. +I am one of the administrators of the house, I will give you a collation +with them." I did not let him rest until he had fulfilled his promise. +In entering the saloon, which contained these beauties I so much sighed +to see, I felt a trembling of love which I had never before experienced. +M. le Blond presented to me one after the other, these celebrated female +singers, of whom the names and voices were all with which I was +acquainted. Come, Sophia,--she was horrid. Come, Cattina, --she had +but one eye. Come, Bettina,--the small-pox had entirely disfigured her. +Scarcely one of them was without some striking defect. + +Le Blond laughed at my surprise; however, two or three of them appeared +tolerable; these never sung but in the choruses; I was almost in despair. +During the collation we endeavored to excite them, and they soon became +enlivened; ugliness does not exclude the graces, and I found they +possessed them. I said to myself, they cannot sing in this manner +without intelligence and sensibility, they must have both; in fine, +my manner of seeing them changed to such a degree that I left the house +almost in love with each of these ugly faces. I had scarcely courage +enough to return to vespers. But after having seen the girls, +the danger was lessened. I still found their singing delightful; +and their voices so much embellished their persons that, in spite of my +eyes, I obstinately continued to think them beautiful. + +Music in Italy is accompanied with so trifling an expense, that it is not +worth while for such as have a taste for it to deny themselves the +pleasure it affords. I hired a harpsichord, and, for half a crown, I had +at my apartment four or five symphonists, with whom I practised once a +week in executing such airs, etc., as had given me most pleasure at the +opera. I also had some symphonies performed from my 'Muses Galantes'. +Whether these pleased the performers, or the ballet-master of St. John +Chrysostom wished to flatter me, he desired to have two of them; and I +had afterwards the pleasure of hearing these executed by that admirable +orchestra. They were danced to by a little Bettina, pretty and amiable, +and kept by a Spaniard, M. Fagoaga, a friend of ours with whom we often +went to spend the evening. But apropos of girls of easy virtue: it is +not in Venice that a man abstains from them. Have you nothing to +confess, somebody will ask me, upon this subject? Yes: I have something +to say upon it, and I will proceed to the confession with the same +ingenuousness with which I have made my former ones. + +I always had a disinclination to girls of pleasure, but at Venice those +were all I had within my reach; most of the houses being shut against me +on account of my place. The daughters of M. le Blond were very amiable, +but difficult of access; and I had too much respect for the father and +mother ever once to have the least desire for them. + +I should have had a much stronger inclination to a young lady named +Mademoiselle de Cataneo, daughter to the agent from the King of Prussia, +but Carrio was in love with her there was even between them some question +of marriage. He was in easy circumstances, and I had no fortune: his +salary was a hundred louis (guineas) a year, and mine amounted to no more +than a thousand livres (about forty pounds sterling) and, besides my +being unwilling to oppose a friend, I knew that in all places, and +especially at Venice, with a purse so ill furnished as mine was, +gallantry was out of the question. I had not lost the pernicious custom +of deceiving my wants. Too busily employed forcibly to feel those +proceeding from the climate, I lived upwards of a year in that city as +chastely as I had done in Paris, and at the end of eighteen months I +quitted it without having approached the sex, except twice by means of +the singular opportunities of which I am going to speak. + +The first was procured me by that honest gentleman, Vitali, some time +after the formal apology I obliged him to make me. The conversation at +the table turned on the amusements of Venice. These gentlemen reproached +me with my indifference with regard to the most delightful of them all; +at the same time extolling the gracefulness and elegant manners of the +women of easy virtue of Venice; and adding that they were superior to all +others of the same description in any other part of the world. +"Dominic," said I, "(I)must make an acquaintance with the most amiable of +them all," he offered to take me to her apartments, and assured me I +should be pleased with her. I laughed at this obliging offer: and Count +Piati, a man in years and venerable, observed to me, with more candor +than I should have expected from an Italian, that he thought me too +prudent to suffer myself to be taken to such a place by my enemy. In +fact I had no inclination to do it: but notwithstanding this, by an +incoherence I cannot myself comprehend, I at length was prevailed upon to +go, contrary to my inclination, the sentiment of my heart, my reason, and +even my will; solely from weakness, and being ashamed to show an +appearance to the least mistrust; and besides, as the expression of the +country is, 'per non parer troppo cogliono'--[Not to appear too great a +blockhead.]--The 'Padoana' whom we went to visit was pretty, she was +even handsome, but her beauty was not of that kind that pleased me. +Dominic left me with her, I sent for Sorbetti, and asked her to sing. +In about half an hour I wished to take my leave, after having put a ducat +on the table, but this by a singular scruple she refused until she had +deserved it, and I from as singular a folly consented to remove her +doubts. I returned to the palace so fully persuaded that I should feel +the consequences of this step, that the first thing I did was to send for +the king's surgeon to ask him for ptisans. Nothing can equal the +uneasiness of mind I suffered for three weeks, without its being +justified by any real inconvenience or apparent sign. I could not +believe it was possible to withdraw with impunity from the arms of the +'padoana'. The surgeon himself had the greatest difficulty in removing +my apprehensions; nor could he do this by any other means than by +persuading me I was formed in such a manner as not to be easily infected: +and although in the experiment I exposed myself less than any other man +would have done, my health in that respect never having suffered the +least inconvenience, in my opinion a proof the surgeon was right. +However, this has never made me imprudent, and if in fact I have received +such an advantage from nature I can safely assert I have never abused it. + +My second adventure, although likewise with a common girl, was of a +nature very different, as well in its origin as in its effects; I have +already said that Captain Olivet gave me a dinner on board his vessel, +and that I took with me the secretary of the Spanish embassy. I expected +a salute of cannon. + +The ship's company was drawn up to receive us, but not so much as a +priming was burnt, at which I was mortified, on account of Carrio, whom I +perceived to be rather piqued at the neglect. A salute of cannon was +given on board merchant-ships to people of less consequence than we were; +I besides thought I deserved some distinguished mark of respect from the +captain. I could not conceal my thoughts, because this at all times was +impossible to me, and although the dinner was a very good one, and Olivet +did the honors of it perfectly well, I began it in an ill humor, eating +but little, and speaking still less. At the first health, at least, I +expected a volley; nothing. Carrio, who read what passed within, me, +laughed at hearing me grumble like a child. Before dinner was half over +I saw a gondola approach the vessel. "Bless me, sir," said the captain, +"take care of yourself, the enemy approaches." I asked him what he +meant, and he answered jocosely. The gondola made the ship's side, and I +observed a gay young damsel come on board very lightly, and coquettishly +dressed, and who at three steps was in the cabin, seated by my side, +before I had time to perceive a cover was laid for her. She was equally +charming and lively, a brunette, not more than twenty years of age. She +spoke nothing but Italian, and her accent alone was sufficient to turn my +head. As she eat and chattered she cast her eyes upon me; steadfastly +looked at me for a moment, and then exclaimed, "Good Virgin! Ah, my dear +Bremond, what an age it is since I saw thee!" Then she threw herself into +my arms, sealed her lips to mine, and pressed me almost to strangling. +Her large black eyes, like those of the beauties of the East, darted +fiery shafts into my heart, and although the surprise at first stupefied +my senses, voluptuousness made a rapid progress within, and this to such +a degree that the beautiful seducer herself was, notwithstanding the +spectators, obliged to restrain my ardor, for I was intoxicated, or +rather become furious. When she perceived she had made the impression +she desired, she became more moderate in her caresses, but not in her +vivacity, and when she thought proper to explain to us the real or false +cause of all her petulance, she said I resembled M. de Bremond, director +of the customs of Tuscany, to such a degree as to be mistaken for him; +that she had turned this M. de Bremond's head, and would do it again; +that she had quitted him because he was a fool; that she took me in his +place; that she would love me because it pleased her so to do, for which +reason I must love her as long as it was agreeable to her, and when she +thought proper to send me about my business, I must be patient as her +dear Bremond had been. What was said was done. She took possession of +me as of a man that belonged to her, gave me her gloves to keep, her fan, +her cinda, and her coif, and ordered me to go here or there, to do this +or that, and I instantly obeyed her. She told me to go and send away her +gondola, because she chose to make use of mine, and I immediately sent it +away; she bid me to move from my place, and pray Carrio to sit down in +it, because she had something to say to him; and I did as she desired. +They chatted a good while together, but spoke low, and I did not +interrupt them. She called me, and I approached her. "Hark thee, +Zanetto," said she to me, "I will not be loved in the French manner; this +indeed will not be well. In the first moment of lassitude, get thee +gone: but stay not by the way, I caution thee." After dinner we went to +see the glass manufactory at Murano. She bought a great number of little +curiosities; for which she left me to pay without the least ceremony. +But she everywhere gave away little trinkets to a much greater amount +than of the things we had purchased. By the indifference with which she +threw away her money, I perceived she annexed to it but little value. +When she insisted upon a payment, I am of opinion it was more from a +motive of vanity than avarice. She was flattered by the price her +admirers set upon her favors. + +In the evening we conducted her to her apartments. As we conversed +together, I perceived a couple of pistols upon her toilette. "Ah! Ah!" +said I, taking one of them up, "this is a patchbox of a new construction: +may I ask what is its use? I know you have other arms which give more +fire than those upon your table." After a few pleasantries of the same +kind, she said to us, with an ingenuousness which rendered her still more +charming, "When I am complaisant to persons whom I do not love, I make +them pay for the weariness they cause me; nothing can be more just; but +if I suffer their caresses, I will not bear their insults; nor miss the +first who shall be wanting to me in respect." + +At taking leave of her, I made another appointment for the next day. I +did not make her wait. I found her in 'vestito di conidenza', in an +undress more than wanton, unknown to northern countries, and which I will +not amuse myself in describing, although I recollect it perfectly well. +I shall only remark that her ruffles and collar were edged with silk +network ornamented with rose--colored pompons. This, in my eyes, much +enlivened a beautiful complexion. I afterwards found it to be the mode +at Venice, and the effect is so charming that I am surprised it has never +been introduced in France. I had no idea of the transports which awaited +me. I have spoken of Madam de Larnage with the transport which the +remembrance of her still sometimes gives me; but how old, ugly and cold +she appeared, compared with my Zulietta! Do not attempt to form to +yourself an idea of the charms and graces of this enchanting girl, you +will be far too short of truth. Young virgins in cloisters are not so +fresh: the beauties of the seraglio are less animated: the houris of +paradise less engaging. Never was so sweet an enjoyment offered to the +heart and senses of a mortal. Ah! had I at least been capable of fully +tasting of it for a single moment! I had tasted of it, but without a +charm. I enfeebled all its delights: I destroyed them as at will. No; +Nature has not made me capable of enjoyment. She has infused into my +wretched head the poison of that ineffable happiness, the desire of which +she first placed in my heart. + +If there be a circumstance in my life, which describes my nature, it is +that which I am going to relate. The forcible manner in which I at this +moment recollect the object of my book, will here make me hold in +contempt the false delicacy which would prevent me from fulfilling it. +Whoever you may be who are desirous of knowing a man, have the courage to +read the two or three following pages, and you will become fully +acquainted with J. J. Rousseau. + +I entered the chamber of a woman of easy virtue, as the sanctuary of love +and beauty: and in her person, I thought I saw the divinity. I should +have been inclined to think that without respect and esteem it was +impossible to feel anything like that which she made me experience. +Scarcely had I, in her first familiarities, discovered the force of her +charms and caresses, before I wished, for fear of losing the fruit of +them, to gather it beforehand. Suddenly, instead of the flame which +consumed me, I felt a mortal cold run through all my veins; my legs +failed me; and ready to faint away, I sat down and wept like a child. + +Who would guess the cause of my tears, and what, at this moment, passed +within me? I said to myself: the object in my power is the masterpiece +of love; her wit and person equally approach perfection; she is as good +and generous as she is amiable and beautiful. Yet she is a miserable +prostitute, abandoned to the public. The captain of a merchantship +disposed of her at will; she has thrown herself into my arms, although +she knows I have nothing; and my merit with which she cannot be +acquainted, can be to her no inducement. In this there is something +inconceivable. Either my heart deceives me, fascinates my senses, and +makes me the dupe of an unworthy slut, or some secret defect, of which I +am ignorant, destroys the effect of her charms, and renders her odious in +the eyes of those by whom her charms would otherwise be disputed. I +endeavored, by an extraordinary effort of mind, to discover this defect, +but it did not so much as strike me that even the consequences to be +apprehended, might possibly have some influence. The clearness of her +skin, the brilliancy of her complexion, her white teeth, sweet breath, +and the appearance of neatness about her person, so far removed from me +this idea, that, still in doubt relative to my situation after the affair +of the 'padoana', I rather apprehended I was not sufficiently in health +for her: and I am firmly persuaded I was not deceived in my opinion. +These reflections, so apropos, agitated me to such a degree as to make me +shed tears. Zuliette, to whom the scene was quite novel, was struck +speechless for a moment. But having made a turn in her chamber, and +passing before her glass, she comprehended, and my eyes confirmed her +opinion, that disgust had no part in what had happened. It was not +difficult for her to recover me and dispel this shamefacedness. + +But, at the moment in which I was ready to faint upon a bosom, which for +the first time seemed to suffer the impression of the hand and lips of a +man, I perceived she had a withered 'teton'. I struck my forehead: I +examined, and thought I perceived this teton was not formed like the +other. I immediately began to consider how it was possible to have such +a defect, and persuaded of its proceeding from some great natural vice, I +was clearly convinced, that, instead of the most charming person of whom +I could form to myself an idea, I had in my arms a species of a monster, +the refuse of nature, of men and of love. I carried my stupidity so far +as to speak to her of the discovery I had made. She, at first, took what +I said jocosely; and in her frolicsome humor, did and said things which +made me die of love. But perceiving an inquietude I could not conceal, +she at length reddened, adjusted her dress, raised herself up, and +without saying a word, went and placed herself at a window. I attempted +to place myself by her side: she withdrew to a sofa, rose from it the +next moment, and fanning herself as she walked about the chamber, said to +me in a reserved and disdainful tone of voice, "Zanetto, 'lascia le +donne, a studia la matematica."--[Leave women and study mathematics.] + +Before I took leave I requested her to appoint another rendezvous for the +next day, which she postponed for three days, adding, with a satirical +smile, that I must needs be in want of repose. I was very ill at ease +during the interval; my heart was full of her charms and graces; I felt +my extravagance, and reproached myself with it, regretting the loss of +the moments I had so ill employed, and which, had I chosen, I might have +rendered more agreeable than any in my whole life; waiting with the most +burning impatience for the moment in which I might repair the loss, and +yet, notwithstanding all my reasoning upon what I had discovered, anxious +to reconcile the perfections of this adorable girl with the indignity of +her situation. I ran, I flew to her apartment at the hour appointed. I +know not whether or not her ardor would have been more satisfied with +this visit, her pride at least would have been flattered by it, and I +already rejoiced at the idea of my convincing her, in every respect, that +I knew how to repair the wrongs I had done. She spared me this +justification. The gondolier whom I had sent to her apartment brought me +for answer that she had set off, the evening before, for Florence. If I +had not felt all the love I had for her person when this was in my +possession, I felt it in the most cruel manner on losing her. Amiable +and charming as she was in my eyes, I could not console myself for the +loss of her; but this I have never been able to do relative to the +contemptuous idea which at her departure she must have had of me. + +These are my two narratives. The eighteen months I passed at Venice +furnished me with no other of the same kind, except a simple prospect at +most. Carrio was a gallant. Tired of visiting girls engaged to others, +he took a fancy to have one to himself, and, as we were inseparable, he +proposed to mean arrangement common enough at Venice, which was to keep +one girl for us both. To this I consented. The question was, to find +one who was safe. He was so industrious in his researches that he found +out a little girl from eleven to twelve years of age, whom her infamous +mother was endeavoring to sell, and I went with Carrio to see her. The +sight of the child moved me to the most lively compassion. She was fair +and as gentle as a lamb. Nobody would have taken her for an Italian. +Living is very cheap in Venice; we gave a little money to the mother, and +provided for the subsistence of her daughter. She had a voice, and to +procure her some resource we gave her a spinnet, and a singing--master. +All these expenses did not cost each of us more than two sequins a month, +and we contrived to save a much greater sum in other matters; but as we +were obliged to wait until she became of a riper age, this was sowing a +long time before we could possibly reap. However, satisfied with passing +our evenings, chatting and innocently playing with the child, we perhaps +enjoyed greater pleasure than if we had received the last favors. So +true is it that men are more attached to women by a certain pleasure they +have in living with them, than by any kind of libertinism. My heart +became insensibly attached to the little Anzoletta, but my attachment was +paternal, in which the senses had so little share, that in proportion as +the former increased, to have connected it with the latter would have +been less possible; and I felt I should have experienced, at approaching +this little creature when become nubile, the same horror with which the +abominable crime of incest would have inspired me. I perceived the +sentiments of Carrio take, unobserved by himself, exactly the same turn. +We thus prepared for ourselves, without intending it, pleasure not less +delicious, but very different from that of which we first had an idea; +and I am fully persuaded that however beautiful the poor child might have +become, far from being the corrupters of her innocence we should have +been the protectors of it. The circumstance which shortly afterwards +befell me deprived me, of the happiness of taking a part in this good +work, and my only merit in the affair was the inclination of my heart. + +I will now return to my journey. + +My first intentions after leaving M. de Montaigu, was to retire to +Geneva, until time and more favorable circumstances should have removed +the obstacles which prevented my union with my poor mamma; but the +quarrel between me and M. de Montaigu being become public, and he having +had the folly to write about it to the court, I resolved to go there to +give an account of my conduct and complain of that of a madman. I +communicated my intention, from Venice, to M. du Theil, charged per +interim with foreign affairs after the death of M. Amelot. I set off as +soon as my letter, and took my route through Bergamo, Como, and Domo +D'Oscela, and crossing Saint Plomb. At Sion, M. de Chaignon, charge des +affaires from France, showed me great civility; at Geneva M. de la +Closure treated me with the same polite attention. I there renewed my +acquaintance with M. de Gauffecourt, from whom I had some money to +receive. I had passed through Nion without going to see my father: not +that this was a matter of indifference to me, but because I was unwilling +to appear before my mother-in-law, after the disaster which had befallen +me, certain of being condemned by her without being heard. The +bookseller, Du Villard, an old friend of my father's, reproached me +severely with this neglect. I gave him my reasons for it, and to repair +my fault, without exposing myself to meet my mother-in-law, I took a +chaise and we went together to Nion and stopped at a public house. Du +Villard went to fetch my father, who came running to embrace me. We +supped together, and, after passing an evening very agreeable to the +wishes of my heart, I returned the next morning to Geneva with Du +Villard, for whom I have ever since retained a sentiment of gratitude in +return for the service he did me on this occasion. + +Lyons was a little out of my direct road, but I was determined to pass +through that city in order to convince myself of a knavish trick played +me by M. de Montaigu. I had sent me from Paris a little box containing a +waistcoat, embroidered with gold, a few pairs of ruffles, and six pairs +of white silk stockings; nothing more. Upon a proposition made me by M. +de Montaigu, I ordered this box to be added to his baggage. In the +apothecary's bill he offered me in payment of my salary, and which he +wrote out himself, he stated the weight of this box, which he called a +bale, at eleven hundred pounds, and charged me with the carriage of it at +an enormous rate. By the cares of M. Boy de la Tour, to whom I was +recommended by M. Roquin, his uncle, it was proved from the registers of +the customs of Lyons and Marseilles, that the said bale weighed no more +than forty-five pounds, and had paid carriage according to that weight. +I joined this authentic extract to the memoir of M, de Montaigu, and +provided with these papers and others containing stronger facts, I +returned to Paris, very impatient to make use of them. During the whole +of this long journey I had little adventures; at Como, in Valais, and +elsewhere. I there saw many curious things, amongst others the Boroma +islands, which are worthy of being described. But I am pressed by time, +and surrounded by spies. I am obliged to write in haste, and very +imperfectly, a work which requires the leisure and tranquility I do not +enjoy. If ever providence in its goodness grants me days more calm, I +shall destine them to new modelling this work, should I be able to do it, +or at least to giving a supplement, of which I perceive it stands in the +greatest need.--[I have given up this project.] + +The news of my quarrel had reached Paris before me and on my arrival I +found the people in all the offices, and the public in general, +scandalized at the follies of the ambassador. + +Notwithstanding this, the public talk at Venice, and the unanswerable +proof I exhibited, I could not obtain even the shadow of justice. Far +from obtaining satisfaction or reparation, I was left at the discretion +of the ambassador for my salary, and this for no other reason than +because, not being a Frenchman, I had no right to national protection, +and that it was a private affair between him and myself. Everybody +agreed I was insulted, injured, and unfortunate; that the ambassador was +mad, cruel, and iniquitous, and that the whole of the affair dishonored +him forever. But what of this! He was the ambassador, and I was nothing +more than the secretary. + +Order, or that which is so called, was in opposition to my obtaining +justice, and of this the least shadow was not granted me. I supposed +that, by loudly complaining, and by publicly treating this madman in the +manner he deserved, I should at length be told to hold my tongue; this +was what I wished for, and I was fully determined not to obey until I had +obtained redress. But at that time there was no minister for foreign +affairs. I was suffered to exclaim, nay, even encouraged to do it, and +joined with; but the affair still remained in the same state, until, +tired of being in the right without obtaining justice, my courage at +length failed me, and let the whole drop. + +The only person by whom I was ill received, and from whom I should have +least expected such an injustice, was Madam de Beuzenval. Full of the +prerogatives of rank and nobility, she could not conceive it was possible +an ambassador could ever be in the wrong with respect to his secretary. +The reception she gave me was conformable to this prejudice. I was so +piqued at it that, immediately after leaving her, I wrote her perhaps one +of the strongest and most violent letters that ever came from my pen, and +since that time I never once returned to her house. I was better +received by Father Castel; but, in the midst of his Jesuitical wheedling +I perceived him faithfully to follow one of the great maxims of his +society, which is to sacrifice the weak to the powerful. The strong +conviction I felt of the justice of my cause, and my natural greatness of +mind did not suffer me patiently to endure this partiality. I ceased +visiting Father Castel, and on that account, going to the college of the +Jesuits, where I knew nobody but himself. Besides the intriguing and +tyrannical spirit of his brethren, so different from the cordiality of +the good Father Hemet, gave me such a disgust for their conversation that +I have never since been acquainted with, nor seen anyone of them except +Father Berthier, whom I saw twice or thrice at M. Dupin's, in conjunction +with whom he labored with all his might at the refutation of Montesquieu. + +That I may not return to the subject, I will conclude what I have to say +of M. de Montaigu. I had told him in our quarrels that a secretary was +not what he wanted, but an attorney's clerk. He took the hint, and the +person whom he procured to succeed me was a real attorney, who in less +than a year robbed him of twenty or thirty thousand livres. He +discharged him, and sent him to prison, dismissed his gentleman with +disgrace, and, in wretchedness, got himself everywhere into quarrels, +received affronts which a footman would not have put up with, and, after +numerous follies, was recalled, and sent from the capital. It is very +probable that among the reprimands he received at court, his affair with +me was not forgotten. At least, a little time after his return he sent +his maitre d' hotel, to settle my account, and give me some money. I was +in want of it at that moment; my debts at Venice, debts of honor, if ever +there were any, lay heavy upon my mind. I made use of the means which +offered to discharge them, as well as the note of Zanetto Nani. I +received what was offered me, paid all my debts, and remained as before, +without a farthing in my pocket, but relieved from a weight which had +become insupportable. From that time I never heard speak of M. de +Montaigu until his death, with which I became acquainted by means of the +Gazette. The peace of God be with that poor man! He was as fit for the +functions of an ambassador as in my infancy I had been for those of +Grapignan.--[I have not been able to find this word in any dictionary, +nor does any Frenchman of letters of my acquaintance know what it means.- +-T.]--However, it was in his power to have honorably supported himself +by my services, and rapidly to have advanced me in a career to which the +Comte de Gauvon had destined me in my youth, and of the functions of +which I had in a more advanced age rendered myself capable. + +The justice and inutility of my complaints, left in my mind seeds of +indignation against our foolish civil institutions, by which the welfare +of the public and real justice are always sacrificed to I know not what +appearance of order, and which does nothing more than add the sanction of +public authority to the oppression of the weak, and the iniquity of the +powerful. Two things prevented these seeds from putting forth at that +time as they afterwards did: one was, myself being in question in the +affair, and private interest, whence nothing great or noble ever +proceeded, could not draw from my heart the divine soarings, which the +most pure love, only of that which is just and sublime, can produce. The +other was the charm of friendship which tempered and calmed my wrath by +the ascendancy of a more pleasing sentiment. I had become acquainted at +Venice with a Biscayan, a friend of my friend Carrio's, and worthy of +being that of every honest man. This amiable young man, born with every +talent and virtue, had just made the tour of Italy to gain a taste for +the fine arts, and, imagining he had nothing more to acquire, intended to +return by the most direct road to his own country. I told him the arts +were nothing more than a relaxation to a genius like his, fit to +cultivate the sciences; and to give him a taste for these, I advised him +to make a journey to Paris and reside there for six months. He took my +advice, and went to Paris. He was there and expected me when I arrived. +His lodging was too considerable for him, and he offered me the half of +it, which I instantly accepted. I found him absorbed in the study of the +sublimest sciences. Nothing was above his reach. He digested everything +with a prodigious rapidity. How cordially did he thank me for having +procured him this food for his mind, which was tormented by a thirst +after knowledge, without his being aware of it! What a treasure of light +and virtue I found in the vigorous mind of this young man! I felt he was +the friend I wanted. We soon became intimate. Our tastes were not the +same, and we constantly disputed. Both opinionated, we never could agree +about anything. Nevertheless we could not separate; and, notwithstanding +our reciprocal and incessant contradiction, we neither of us wished the +other to be different from what he was. + +Ignacio Emanuel de Altuna was one of those rare beings whom only Spain +produces, and of whom she produces too few for her glory. He had not the +violent national passions common in his own country. The idea of +vengeance could no more enter his head, than the desire of it could +proceed from his heart. His mind was too great to be vindictive, and I +have frequently heard him say, with the greatest coolness, that no mortal +could offend him. He was gallant, without being tender. He played with +women as with so many pretty children. He amused himself with the +mistresses of his friends, but I never knew him to have one of his own, +nor the least desire for it. The emanations from the virtue with which +his heart was stored, never permitted the fire of the passions to excite +sensual desires. + +After his travels he married, died young, and left children; and, I am as +convinced as of my existence, that his wife was the first and only woman +with whom he ever tasted of the pleasures of love. + +Externally he was devout, like a Spaniard, but in his heart he had the +piety of an angel. Except myself, he is the only man I ever saw whose +principles were not intolerant. He never in his life asked any person +his opinion in matters of religion. It was not of the least consequence +to him whether his friend was a Jew, a Protestant, a Turk, a Bigot, or an +Atheist, provided he was an honest man. Obstinate and headstrong in +matters of indifference, but the moment religion was in question, even +the moral part, he collected himself, was silent, or simply said: "I am +charged with the care of myself, only." It is astonishing so much +elevation of mind should be compatible with a spirit of detail carried to +minuteness. He previously divided the employment of the day by hours, +quarters and minutes; and so scrupulously adhered to this distribution, +that had the clock struck while he was reading a phrase, he would have +shut his book without finishing it. His portions of time thus laid out, +were some of them set apart to studies of one kind, and others to those +of another: he had some for reflection, conversation, divine service, the +reading of Locke, for his rosary, for visits, music and painting; and +neither pleasure, temptation, nor complaisance, could interrupt this +order: a duty he might have had to discharge was the only thing that +could have done it. When he gave me a list of his distribution, that I +might conform myself thereto, I first laughed, and then shed tears of +admiration. He never constrained anybody nor suffered constraint: he was +rather rough with people, who from politeness, attempted to put it upon +him. He was passionate without being sullen. I have often seen him +warm, but never saw him really angry with any person. Nothing could be +more cheerful than his temper: he knew how to pass and receive a joke; +raillery was one of his distinguished talents, and with which he +possessed that of pointed wit and repartee. When he was animated, he was +noisy and heard at a great distance; but whilst he loudly inveighed, a +smile was spread over his countenance, and in the midst of his warmth he +used some diverting expression which made all his hearers break out into +a loud laugh. He had no more of the Spanish complexion than of the +phlegm of that country. His skin was white, his cheeks finely colored, +and his hair of a light chestnut. He was tall and well made; his body +was well formed for the residence of his mind. + +This wise--hearted as well as wise--headed man, knew mankind, and was my +friend; this was my only answer to such as are not so. We were so +intimately united, that our intention was to pass our days together. In +a few years I was to go to Ascoytia to live with him at his estate; every +part of the project was arranged the eve of his departure; nothing was +left undetermined, except that which depends not upon men in the best +concerted plans, posterior events. My disasters, his marriage, and +finally, his death, separated us forever. Some men would be tempted to +say, that nothing succeeds except the dark conspiracies of the wicked, +and that the innocent intentions of the good are seldom or never +accomplished. I had felt the inconvenience of dependence, and took a +resolution never again to expose myself to it; having seen the projects +of ambition, which circumstances had induced me to form, overturned in +their birth. Discouraged in the career I had so well begun, from which, +however, I had just been expelled, I resolved never more to attach myself +to any person, but to remain in an independent state, turning my talents +to the best advantage: of these I at length began to feel the extent, and +that I had hitherto had too modest an opinion of them. I again took up +my opera, which I had laid aside to go to Venice; and that I might be +less interrupted after the departure of Altuna, I returned to my old +hotel St. Quentin; which, in a solitary part of the town, and not far +from the Luxembourg, was more proper for my purpose than noisy Rue St. +Honor. + +There the only consolation which Heaven suffered me to taste in my +misery, and the only one which rendered it supportable, awaited me. This +was not a trancient acquaintance; I must enter into some detail relative +to the manner in which it was made. + +We had a new landlady from Orleans; she took for a needlewoman a girl +from her own country, of between twenty--two and twenty--three years of +age, and who, as well as the hostess, ate at our table. This girl, named +Theresa le Vasseur, was of a good family; her father was an officer in +the mint of Orleans, and her mother a shopkeeper; they had many children. +The function of the mint of Orleans being suppressed, the father found +himself without employment; and the mother having suffered losses, was +reduced to narrow circumstances. She quitted her business and came to +Paris with her husband and daughter, who, by her industry, maintained all +the three. + +The first time I saw this girl at table, I was struck with her modesty; +and still more so with her lively yet charming look, which, with respect +to the impression it made upon me, was never equalled. Beside M. de +Bonnefond, the company was composed of several Irish priests, Gascons and +others of much the same description. Our hostess herself had not made +the best possible use of her time, and I was the only person at the table +who spoke and behaved with decency. Allurements were thrown out to the +young girl. I took her part, and the joke was then turned against me. +Had I had no natural inclination to the poor girl, compassion and +contradiction would have produced it in me: I was always a great friend +to decency in manners and conversation, especially in the fair sex. I +openly declared myself her champion, and perceived she was not insensible +of my attention; her looks, animated by the gratitude she dared not +express by words, were for this reason still more penetrating. + +She was very timid, and I was as much so as herself. The connection +which this disposition common to both seemed to remove to a distance, was +however rapidly formed. Our landlady perceiving its progress, became +furious, and her brutality forwarded my affair with the young girl, who, +having no person in the house except myself to give her the least +support, was sorry to see me go from home, and sighed for the return of +her protector. The affinity our hearts bore to each other, and the +similarity of our dispositions, had soon their ordinary effect. She +thought she saw in me an honest man, and in this she was not deceived. +I thought I perceived in her a woman of great sensibility, simple in her +manners, and devoid of all coquetry:--I was no more deceived in her than +she in me. I began by declaring to her that I would never either abandon +or marry her. Love, esteem, artless sincerity were the ministers of my +triumph, and it was because her heart was tender and virtuous, that I was +happy without being presuming. + +The apprehensions she was under of my not finding in her that for which I +sought, retarded my happiness more than every other circumstance. I +perceived her disconcerted and confused before she yielded her consent, +wishing to be understood and not daring to explain herself. Far from +suspecting the real cause of her embarrassment, I falsely imagined it to +proceed from another motive, a supposition highly insulting to her +morals, and thinking she gave me to understand my health might be exposed +to danger, I fell into so perplexed a state that, although it was no +restraint upon me, it poisoned my happiness during several days. As we +did not understand each other, our conversations upon this subject were +so many enigmas more than ridiculous. She was upon the point of +believing I was absolutely mad; and I on my part was as near not knowing +what else to think of her. At last we came to an explanation; she +confessed to me with tears the only fault of the kind of her whole life, +immediately after she became nubile; the fruit of her ignorance and the +address of her seducer. The moment I comprehended what she meant, I gave +a shout of joy. "A Hymen!" exclaimed I; "sought for at Paris, and at +twenty years of age! Ah my Theresa! I am happy in possessing thee, +virtuous and healthy as thou art, and in not finding that for which I +never sought." + +At first amusement was my only object; I perceived I had gone further and +had given myself a companion. A little intimate connection with this +excellent girl, and a few reflections upon my situation, made me discover +that, while thinking of nothing more than my pleasures, I had done a +great deal towards my happiness. In the place of extinguished ambition, +a life of sentiment, which had entire possession of my heart, was +necessary to me. In a word, I wanted a successor to mamma: since I was +never again to live with her, it was necessary some person should live +with her pupil, and a person, too, in whom I might find that simplicity +and docility of mind and heart which she had found in me. It was, +moreover, necessary that the happiness of domestic life should indemnify +me for the splendid career I had just renounced. When I was quite alone +there was a void in my heart, which wanted nothing more than another +heart to fill it up. Fate had deprived me of this, or at least in part +alienated me from that for which by nature I was formed. From that +moment I was alone, for there never was for me the least thing +intermediate between everything and nothing. I found in Theresa the +supplement of which I stood in need; by means of her I lived as happily +as I possibly could do, according to the course of events. + +I at first attempted to improve her mind. In this my pains were useless. +Her mind is as nature formed it: it was not susceptible of cultivation. +I do not blush in acknowledging she never knew how to read well, although +she writes tolerably. When I went to lodge in the Rue Neuve des Petits +Champs, opposite to my windows at the Hotel de Ponchartrain, there was a +sun-dial, on which for a whole month I used all my efforts to teach her +to know the hours; yet, she scarcely knows them at present. She never +could enumerate the twelve months of the year in order, and cannot +distinguish one numeral from another, notwithstanding all the trouble I +took endeavoring to teach them to her. She neither knows how to count +money, nor to reckon the price of anything. The word which when she +speaks, presents itself to her mind, is frequently opposite to that of +which she means to make use. I formerly made a dictionary of her +phrases, to amuse M. de Luxembourg, and her 'qui pro quos' often became +celebrated among those with whom I was most intimate. But this person, +so confined in her intellects, and, if the world pleases, so stupid, can +give excellent advice in cases of difficulty. In Switzerland, in England +and in France, she frequently saw what I had not myself perceived; she +has often given me the best advice I could possibly follow; she has +rescued me from dangers into which I had blindly precipitated myself, and +in the presence of princes and the great, her sentiments, good sense, +answers, and conduct have acquired her universal esteem, and myself the +most sincere congratulations on her merit. With persons whom we love, +sentiment fortifies the mind as well as the heart; and they who are thus +attached, have little need of searching for ideas elsewhere. + +I lived with my Theresa as agreeably as with the finest genius in the +world. Her mother, proud of having been brought up under the Marchioness +of Monpipeau, attempted to be witty, wished to direct the judgment of her +daughter, and by her knavish cunning destroyed the simplicity of our +intercourse. + +The fatigue of this opportunity made me in some degree surmount the +foolish shame which prevented me from appearing with Theresa in public; +and we took short country walks, tete-a-tete, and partook of little +collations, which, to me, were delicious. I perceived she loved me +sincerely, and this increased my tenderness. This charming intimacy left +me nothing to wish; futurity no longer gave me the least concern, or at +most appeared only as the present moment prolonged: I had no other desire +than that of insuring its duration. + +This attachment rendered all other dissipation superfluous and insipid to +me. As I only went out for the purpose of going to the apartment of +Theresa, her place of residence almost became my own. My retirement was +so favorable to the work I had undertaken, that, in less than three +months, my opera was entirely finished, both words and music, except a +few accompaniments, and fillings up which still remained to be added. +This maneuvering business was very fatiguing to me. I proposed it to +Philidor, offering him at the same time a part of the profits. He came +twice, and did something to the middle parts in the act of Ovid; but he +could not confine himself to an assiduous application by the allurement +of advantages which were distant and uncertain. He did not come a third +time, and I finished the work myself. + +My opera completed, the next thing was to make something of it: this was +by much the more difficult task of the two. A man living in solitude in +Paris will never succeed in anything. I was on the point of making my +way by means of M. de la Popliniere, to whom Gauffecourt, at my return to +Geneva had introduced me. M. de la Popliniere was the Mecaenas of +Rameau; Madam de la Popliniere his very humble scholar. Rameau was said +to govern in that house. Judging that he would with pleasure protect the +work of one of his disciples, I wished to show him what I had done. He +refused to examine it; saying he could not read score, it was too +fatiguing to him. M. de la Popliniere, to obviate this difficulty, said +he might hear it; and offered me to send for musicians to execute certain +detached pieces. I wished for nothing better. Rameau consented with an +ill grace, incessantly repeating that the composition of a man not +regularly bred to the science, and who had learned music without a +master, must certainly be very fine! I hastened to copy into parts five +or six select passages. Ten symphonies were procured, and Albert, +Berard, and Mademoiselle Bourbonois undertook the vocal part. Remeau, +the moment he heard the overture, was purposely extravagant in his +eulogium, by which he intended it should be understood it could not be my +composition. He showed signs of impatience at every passage: but after a +counter tenor song, the air of which was noble and harmonious, with a +brilliant accompaniment, he could no longer contain himself; he +apostrophised me with a brutality at which everybody was shocked, +maintaining that a part of what he had heard was by a man experienced in +the art, and the rest by some ignorant person who did not so much as +understand music. It is true my composition, unequal and without rule, +was sometimes sublime, and at others insipid, as that of a person who +forms himself in an art by the soarings of his own genius, unsupported by +science, must necessarily be. Rameau pretended to see nothing in me but +a contemptible pilferer, without talents or taste. The rest of the +company, among whom I must distinguish the master of the house, were of a +different opinion. M. de Richelieu, who at that time frequently visited +M. and Madam de la Popliniere, heard them speak of my work, and wished to +hear the whole of it, with an intention, if it pleased him, to have it +performed at court. The opera was executed with full choruses, and by a +great orchestra, at the expense of the king, at M. de Bonneval's +intendant of the Menus; Francoeur directed the band. The effect was +surprising: the duke never ceased to exclaim and applaud; and, at the end +of one of the choruses, in the act of Tasso, he arose and came to me, +and, pressing my hand, said: "M. Rousseau, this is transporting harmony. +I never heard anything finer. I will get this performed at Versailles." + +Madam de la Poliniere, who was present, said not a word. Rameau, +although invited, refused to come. The next day, Madam de la Popliniere +received me at her toilette very ungraciously, affected to undervalue my +piece, and told me, that although a little false glitter had at first +dazzled M. de Richelieu, he had recovered from his error, and she advised +me not to place the least dependence upon my opera. The duke arrived +soon after, and spoke to me in quite a different language. He said very +flattering things of my talents, and seemed as much disposed as ever to +have my composition performed before the king. "There is nothing," said +he, "but the act of Tasso which cannot pass at court: you must write +another." Upon this single word I shut myself up in my apartment; and in +three weeks produced, in the place of Tasso, another act, the subject of +which was Hesiod inspired by the muses. In this I found the secret of +introducing a part of the history of my talents, and of the jealousy with +which Rameau had been pleased to honor me. There was in the new act an +elevation less gigantic and better supported than in the act of Tasso. +The music was as noble and the composition better; and had the other two +acts been equal to this, the whole piece would have supported a +representation to advantage. But whilst I was endeavoring to give it the +last finishing, another undertaking suspended the completion of that I +had in my hand. In the winter which succeeded the battle of Fontenoi, +there were many galas at Versailles, and several operas performed at the +theater of the little stables. Among the number of the latter was the +dramatic piece of Voltaire, entitled 'La Princesse de Navarre', the music +by Rameau, the name of which has just been changed to that of 'Fetes de +Ramire'. This new subject required several changes to be made in the +divertissements, as well in the poetry as in the music. + +A person capable of both was now sought after. Voltaire was in Lorraine, +and Rameau also; both of whom were employed on the opera of the Temple of +Glory, and could not give their attention to this. M. de Richelieu +thought of me, and sent to desire I would undertake the alterations; +and, that I might the better examine what there was to do, he gave me +separately the poem and the music. In the first place, I would not touch +the words without the consent of the author, to whom I wrote upon the +subject a very polite and respectful letter, such a one as was proper; +and received from him the following answer: + +"SIR: In you two talents, which hitherto have always been separated, are +united. These are two good reasons for me to esteem and to endeavor to +love you. I am sorry, on your account, you should employ these talents in +a work which is so little worthy of them. A few months ago the Duke de +Richelieu commanded me to make, absolutely in the twinkling of an eye, +a little and bad sketch of a few insipid and imperfect scenes to be +adapted to divertissements which are not of a nature to be joined with +them. I obeyed with the greatest exactness. I wrote very fast, and very +ill. I sent this wretched production to M. de Richelieu, imagining he +would make no use of it, or that I should have it again to make the +necessary corrections. Happily it is in your hands, and you are at full +liberty to do with it whatever you please: I have entirely lost sight of +the thing. I doubt not but you will have corrected all the faults which +cannot but abound in so hasty a composition of such a very simple sketch, +and am persuaded you will have supplied whatever was wanting. + +"I remember that, among other stupid inattentions, no account is given in +the scenes which connect the divertissements of the manner in which the +Grenadian prince immediately passes from a prison to a garden or palace. +As it is not a magician but a Spanish nobleman who gives her the gala, I +am of opinion nothing should be effected by enchantment. + +"I beg, sir, you will examine this part, of which I have but a confused +idea. + +"You will likewise consider, whether or not it be necessary the prison +should be opened, and the princess conveyed from it to a fine palace, +gilt and varnished, and prepared for her. I know all this is wretched, +and that it is beneath a thinking being to make a serious affair of such +trifles; but, since we must displease as little as possible, it is +necessary we should conform to reason, even in a bad divertissement of an +opera. + +"I depend wholly upon you and M. Ballot, and soon expect to have the +honor of returning you my thanks, and assuring you how much I am, etc." + +There is nothing surprising in the great politeness of this letter, +compared with the almost crude ones which he has since written to me. +He thought I was in great favor with Madam Richelieu; and the courtly +suppleness, which everyone knows to be the character of this author, +obliged him to be extremely polite to a new comer, until he become better +acquainted with the measure of the favor and patronage he enjoyed. + +Authorized by M. de Voltaire, and not under the necessity of giving +myself the least concern about M. Rameau, who endeavored to injure me, +I set to work, and in two months my undertaking was finished. With +respect to the poetry, it was confined to a mere trifle; I aimed at +nothing more than to prevent the difference of style from being +perceived, and had the vanity to think I had succeeded. The musical part +was longer and more laborious. Besides my having to compose several +preparatory pieces, and, amongst others, the overture, all the +recitative, with which I was charged, was extremely difficult on account +of the necessity there was of connecting, in a few verses, and by very +rapid modulations, symphonies and choruses, in keys very different from +each other; for I was determined neither to change nor transpose any of +the airs, that Rameau might not accuse me of having disfigured them. +I succeeded in the recitative; it was well accented, full of energy and +excellent modulation. The idea of two men of superior talents, with whom +I was associated, had elevated my genius, and I can assert, that in this +barren and inglorious task, of which the public could have no knowledge, +I was for the most part equal to my models. + +The piece, in the state to which I had brought it, was rehearsed in the +great theatre of the opera. Of the three authors who had contributed to +the production, I was the only one present. Voltaire was not in Paris, +and Rameau either did not come, or concealed himself. The words of the +first monologue were very mournful; they began with: + + O Mort! viens terminer les malheurs de ma vie. + + [O Death! hasten to terminate the misfortunes of my life.] + +To these, suitable music was necessary. It was, however, upon this that +Madam de la Popliniere founded her censure; accusing me, with much +bitterness, of having composed a funeral anthem. M. de Richelieu very +judiciously began by informing himself who was the author of the poetry +of this monologue; I presented him the manuscript he had sent me, which +proved it was by Voltaire. "In that case," said the duke, "Voltaire +alone is to blame." During the rehearsal, everything I had done was +disapproved by Madam de la Popliniere, and approved of by M. de +Richelieu; but I had afterwards to do with too powerful an adversary. +It was signified to me that several parts of my composition wanted +revising, and that on this it was necessary I should consult M. Rameau; +my heart was wounded by such a conclusion, instead of the eulogium I +expected, and which certainly I merited, and I returned to my apartment +overwhelmed with grief, exhausted with fatigue, and consumed by chagrin. +I was immediately taken ill, and confined to my chamber for upwards of +six weeks. + +Rameau, who was charged with the alterations indicated by Madam de la +Popliniere, sent to ask me for the overture of my great opera, to +substitute it to that I had just composed. Happily I perceived the trick +he intended to play me, and refused him the overture. As the performance +was to be in five or six days, he had not time to make one, and was +obliged to leave that I had prepared. It was in the Italian taste, and +in a style at that time quite new in France. It gave satisfaction, and I +learned from M. de Valmalette, maitre d'hotel to the king, and son-in-law +to M. Mussard, my relation and friend, that the connoisseurs were highly +satisfied with my work, and that the public had not distinguished it from +that of Rameau. However, he and Madam de la Popliniere took measures to +prevent any person from knowing I had any concern in the matter. In the +books distributed to the audience, and in which the authors are always +named, Voltaire was the only person mentioned, and Rameau preferred the +suppression of his own name to seeing it associated with mine. + +As soon as I was in a situation to leave my room, I wished to wait upon +M. de Richelieu, but it was too late; he had just set off for Dunkirk, +where he was to command the expedition destined to Scotland. At his +return, said I to myself, to authorize my idleness, it will be too late +for my purpose, not having seen him since that time. I lost the honor of +mywork and the emoluments it should have produced me, besides considering +my time, trouble, grief, and vexation, my illness, and the money this cost +me, without ever receiving the least benefit, or rather, recompense. +However, I always thought M. de Richelieu was disposed to serve me, and +that he had a favorable opinion of my talents; but my misfortune, and +Madam de la Popliniere, prevented the effect of his good wishes. + +I could not divine the reason of the aversion this lady had to me. I had +always endeavored to make myself agreeable to her, and regularly paid her +my court. Gauffecourt explained to me the causes of her dislike: "The +first," said he, "is her friendship for Rameau, of whom she is the +declared panegyrist, and who will not suffer a competitor; the next is an +original sin, which ruins you in her estimation, and which she will never +forgive; you are a Genevese." Upon this he told me the Abbe Hubert, who +was from the same city, and the sincere friend of M. de la Popliniere, +had used all his efforts to prevent him from marrying this lady, with +whose character and temper he was very well acquainted; and that after +the marriage she had vowed him an implacable hatred, as well as all the +Genevese. "Although La Popliniere has a friendship for you, do not," +said he, "depend upon his protection: he is still in love with his wife: +she hates you, and is vindictive and artful; you will never do anything +in that house." All this I took for granted. + +The same Gauffecourt rendered me much about this time, a service of which +I stood in the greatest need. I had just lost my virtuous father, who +was about sixty years of age. I felt this loss less severely than I +should have done at any other time, when the embarrassments of my +situation had less engaged my attention. During his life-time I had +never claimed what remained of the property of my mother, and of which he +received the little interest. His death removed all my scruples upon +this subject. But the want of a legal proof of the death of my brother +created a difficulty which Gauffecourt undertook to remove, and this he +effected by means of the good offices of the advocate De Lolme. As I +stood in need of the little resource, and the event being doubtful, I +waited for a definitive account with the greatest anxiety. + +One evening on entering my apartment I found a letter, which I knew to +contain the information I wanted, and I took it up with an impatient +trembling, of which I was inwardly ashamed. What? said I to myself, +with disdain, shall Jean Jacques thus suffer himself to be subdued by +interest and curiosity? I immediately laid the letter again upon the +chimney-piece. I undressed myself, went to bed with great composure, +slept better than ordinary, and rose in the morning at a late hour, +without thinking more of my letter. As I dressed myself, it caught my +eye; I broke the seal very leisurely, and found under the envelope a bill +of exchange. I felt a variety of pleasing sensations at the same time: +but I can assert, upon my honor, that the most lively of them all was +that proceeding from having known how to be master of myself. + +I could mention twenty such circumstances in my life, but I am too much +pressed for time to say everything. I sent a small part of this money to +my poor mamma; regretting, with my eyes suffused with tears, the happy +time when I should have laid it all at her feet. All her letters +contained evident marks of her distress. She sent me piles of recipes, +and numerous secrets, with which she pretended I might make my fortune +and her own. The idea of her wretchedness already affected her heart and +contracted her mind. The little I sent her fell a prey to the knaves by +whom she was surrounded; she received not the least advantage from +anything. The idea of dividing what was necessary to my own subsistence +with these wretches disgusted me, especially after the vain attempt I had +made to deliver her from them, and of which I shall have occasion to +speak. Time slipped away, and with it the little money I had; we were +two, or indeed, four persons; or, to speak still more correctly, seven or +eight. Although Theresa was disinterested to a degree of which there are +but few examples, her mother was not so. She was no sooner a little +relieved from her necessities by my cares, than she sent for her whole +family to partake of the fruits of them. Her sisters, sons, daughters, +all except her eldest daughter, married to the director of the coaches of +Augers, came to Paris. Everything I did for Theresa, her mother diverted +from its original destination in favor of these people who were starving. +I had not to do with an avaricious person; and, not being under the +influence of an unruly passion, I was not guilty of follies. Satisfied +with genteelly supporting Theresa without luxury, and unexposed to +pressing wants, I readily consented to let all the earnings of her +industry go to the profit of her mother; and to this even I did not +confine myself; but, by a fatality by which I was pursued, whilst mamma +was a prey to the rascals about her Theresa was the same to her family; +and I could not do anything on either side for the benefit of her to whom +the succor I gave was destined. It was odd enough the youngest child of +M. de la Vasseur, the only one who had not received a marriage portion +from her parents, should provide for their subsistence; and that, after +having along time been beaten by her brothers, sisters, and even her +nieces, the poor girl should be plundered by them all, without being more +able to defend herself from their thefts than from their blows. One of +her nieces, named Gorton le Duc, was of a mild and amiable character; +although spoiled by the lessons and examples of the others. As I +frequently saw them together, I gave them names, which they afterwards +gave to each other; I called the niece my niece, and the aunt my aunt; +they both called me uncle. Hence the name of aunt, by which I continued +to call Theresa, and which my friends sometimes jocosely repeated. It +will be judged that in such a situation I had not a moment to lose, +before I attempted to extricate myself. Imagining M. de Richelieu had +forgotten me, and having no more hopes from the court, I made some +attempts to get my opera brought out at Paris; but I met with +difficulties which could not immediately be removed, and my situation +became daily more painful. I presented my little comedy of Narcisse to +the Italians; it was received, and I had the freedom of the theatre, +which gave much pleasure. But this was all; I could never get my piece +performed, and, tired of paying my court to players, I gave myself no +more trouble about them. At length I had recourse to the last expedient +which remained to me, and the only one of which I ought to have made use. +While frequenting the house of M. de la Popliniere, I had neglected the +family of Dupin. The two ladies, although related, were not on good +terms, and never saw each other. There was not the least intercourse +between the two families, and Thieriot was the only person who visited +both. He was desired to endeavor to bring me again to M. Dupin's. M. de +Francueil was then studying natural history and chemistry, and collecting +a cabinet. I believe he aspired to become a member of the Academy of +Sciences; to this effect he intended to write a book, and judged I might +be of use to him in the undertaking. Madam de Dupin, who, on her part, +had another work in contemplation, had much the same views in respect to +me. They wished to have me in common as a kind of secretary, and this +was the reason of the invitations of Thieriot. + +I required that M. de Francueil should previously employ his interest +with that of Jelyote to get my work rehearsed at the operahouse; to this +he consented. The Muses Galantes were several times rehearsed, first at +the Magazine, and afterwards in the great theatre. The audience was very +numerous at the great rehearsal, and several parts of the composition +were highly applauded. However, during this rehearsal, very ill- +conducted by Rebel, I felt the piece would not be received; and that, +before it could appear, great alterations were necessary. I therefore +withdrew it without saying a word, or exposing myself to a refusal; +but I plainly perceived, by several indications, that the work, had it +been perfect, could not have suceeeded. M. de Francueil had promised me +to get it rehearsed, but not that it should be received. He exactly kept +his word. I thought I perceived on this occasion, as well as many +others, that neither Madam Dupin nor himself were willing I should +acquire a certain reputation in the world, lest, after the publication of +their books, it should be supposed they had grafted their talents upon +mine. Yet as Madam Dupin always supposed those I had to be very +moderate, and never employed me except it was to write what she dictated, +or in researches of pure erudition, the reproach, with respect to her, +would have been unjust. + +This last failure of success completed my discouragement. I abandoned +every prospect of fame and advancement; and, without further troubling my +head about real or imaginary talents, with which I had so little success, +I dedicated my whole time and cares to procure myself and Theresa a +subsistence in the manner most pleasing to those to whom it should be +agreeable to provide for it. I therefore entirely attached myself to +Madam Dupin and M. de Francueil. This did not place me in a very opulent +situation; for with eight or nine hundred livres, which I had the first +two years, I had scarcely enough to provide for my primary wants; being +obliged to live in their neighborhood, a dear part of the town, in a +furnished lodging, and having to pay for another lodging at the extremity +of Paris, at the very top of the Rue Saint Jacques, to which, let the +weather be as it would, I went almost every evening to supper. I soon +got into the track of my new occupations, and conceived a taste for them. +I attached myself to the study of chemistry, and attended several courses +of it with M. de Francueil at M. Rouelle's, and we began to scribble over +paper upon that science, of which we scarcely possessed the elements. +In 1717, we went to pass the autumn in Tourraine, at the castle of +Chenonceaux, a royal mansion upon the Cher, built by Henry the II, for +Diana of Poitiers, of whom the ciphers are still seen, and which is now +in the possession of M. Dupin, a farmer general. We amused ourselves +very agreeably in this beautiful place, and lived very well: I became as +fat there as a monk. Music was a favorite relaxation. I composed +several trios full of harmony, and of which I may perhaps speak in my +supplement if ever I should write one. Theatrical performances were +another resource. I wrote a comedy in fifteen days, entitled +'l'Engagement Temeraire',--[The Rash Engagement]-- which will be found +amongst my papers; it has no other merit than that of being lively. +I composed several other little things: amongst others a poem entitled, +'l'Aliee de Sylvie', from the name of an alley in the park upon the bank +of the Cher; and this without discontinuing my chemical studies, or +interrupting what I had to do for Madam Dupin. + +Whilst I was increasing my corpulency at Chenonceaux, that of my poor +Theresa was augmented at Paris in another manner, and at my return I +found the work I had put upon the frame in greater forwardness than I had +expected. This, on account of my situation, would have thrown me into +the greatest embarrassment, had not one of my messmates furnished me with +the only resource which could relieve me from it. This is one of those +essential narratives which I cannot give with too much simplicity; +because, in making an improper use of their names, I should either excuse +or inculpate myself, both of which in this place are entirely out of the +question. + +During the residence of Altuna at Paris, instead of going to eat at a +'Traiteurs', he and I commonly eat in the neighborhood, almost opposite +the cul de sac of the opera, at the house of a Madam la Selle, the wife +of a tailor, who gave but very ordinary dinners, but whose table was much +frequented on account of the safe company which generally resorted to it; +no person was received without being introduced by one of those who used +the house. The commander, De Graville, an old debauchee, with much wit +and politeness, but obscene in conversation, lodged at the house, and +brought to it a set of riotous and extravagant young men; officers in the +guards and mousquetaires. The Commander de Nonant, chevalier to all the +girls of the opera, was the daily oracle, who conveyed to us the news of +this motley crew. M. du Plessis, a lieutenant-colonel, retired from the +service, an old man of great goodness and wisdom; and M. Ancelet, + + [It was to this M. Ancelet I gave a little comedy, after my own + manner entitled 'les Prisouniers de Guerre', which I wrote after the + disasters of the French in Bavaria and Bohemia: I dared not either + avow this comedy or show it, and this for the singular reason that + neither the King of France nor the French were ever better spoken of + nor praised with more sincerity of heart than in my piece though + written by a professed republican, I dared not declare myself the + panegyrist of a nation, whose maxims were exactly the reverse of my + own. More grieved at the misfortunes of France than the French + themselves I was afraid the public would construe into flattery and + mean complaisance the marks of a sincere attachment, of which in my + first part I have mentioned the date and the cause, and which I was + ashamed to show.] + +an officer in the mousquetaires kept the young people in a certain kind +of order. This table was also frequented by commercial people, +financiers and contractors, but extremely polite, and such as were +distinguished amongst those of the same profession. M. de Besse, M. de +Forcade, and others whose names I have forgotten, in short, well-dressed +people of every description were seen there; except abbes and men of the +long robe, not one of whom I ever met in the house, and it was agreed not +to introduce men of either of these professions. This table, +sufficiently resorted to, was very cheerful without being noisy, and many +of the guests were waggish, without descending to vulgarity. The old +commander with all his smutty stories, with respect to the substance, +never lost sight of the politeness of the old court; nor did any indecent +expression, which even women would not have pardoned him, escape his +lips. His manner served as a rule to every person at table; all the +young men related their adventures of gallantry with equal grace and +freedom, and these narratives were the more complete, as the seraglio was +at the door; the entry which led to it was the same; for there was a +communication between this and the shop of Le Duchapt, a celebrated +milliner, who at that time had several very pretty girls, with whom our +young people went to chat before or after dinner. I should thus have +amused myself as well as the rest, had I been less modest: I had only to +go in as they did, but this I never had courage enough to do. With +respect to Madam de Selle, I often went to eat at her house after the +departure of Altuna. I learned a great number of amusing anecdotes, and +by degrees I adopted, thank God, not the morals, but the maxims I found +to be established there. Honest men injured, husbands deceived, women +seduced, were the most ordinary topics, and he who had best filled the +foundling hospital was always the most applauded. I caught the manners +I daily had before my eyes: I formed my manner of thinking upon that I +observed to be the reigning one amongst amiable: and upon the whole, very +honest people. I said to myself, since it is the custom of the country, +they who live here may adopt it; this is the expedient for which I +sought. I cheerfully determined upon it without the least scruple, and +the only one I had to overcome was that of Theresa, whom, with the +greatest imaginable difficulty, I persuaded to adopt this only means of +saving her honor. Her mother, who was moreover apprehensive of a new +embarrassment by an increase of family, came to my aid, and she at length +suffered herself to be prevailed upon. We made choice of a midwife, a +safe and prudent woman, Mademoiselle Gouin, who lived at the Point Saint +Eustache, and when the time came, Theresa was conducted to her house by +her mother. + +I went thither several times to see her, and gave her a cipher which I +had made double upon two cards; one of them was put into the linen of the +child, and by the midwife deposited with the infant in the office of the +foundling hospital according to the customary form. The year following, +a similar inconvenience was remedied by the same expedient, excepting the +cipher, which was forgotten: no more reflection on my part, nor +approbation on that of the mother; she obeyed with trembling. All the +vicissitudes which this fatal conduct has produced in my manner of +thinking, as well as in my destiny, will be successively seen. For the +present, we will confine ourselves to this first period; its cruel and +unforeseen consequences will but too frequently oblige me to refer to it. + +I here mark that of my first acquaintance with Madam D'Epinay, whose name +will frequently appear in these memoirs. She was a Mademoiselle D' +Esclavelles, and had lately been married to M. D'Epinay, son of M. de +Lalive de Bellegarde, a farmer general. She understood music, and a +passion for the art produced between these three persons the greatest +intimacy. Madam Prancueil introduced me to Madam D'Epinay, and we +sometimes supped together at her house. She was amiable, had wit and +talent, and was certainly a desirable acquaintance; but she had a female +friend, a Mademoiselle d'Ette, who was said to have much malignancy in +her disposition; she lived with the Chevalier de Valory, whose temper was +far from being one of the best. I am of opinion, an acquaintance with +these two persons was prejudicial to Madam D'Epinay, to whom, with a +disposition which required the greatest attention from those about her, +nature had given very excellent qualities to regulate or counterbalance +her extravagant pretensions. M. de Francueil inspired her with a part of +the friendship he had conceived for me, and told me of the connection +between them, of which, for that reason, I would not now speak, were it +not become so public as not to be concealed from M. D'Epinay himself. + +M. de Francueil confided to me secrets of a very singular nature relative +to this lady, of which she herself never spoke to me, nor so much as +suspected my having a knowledge; for I never opened my lips to her upon +the subject, nor will I ever do it to any person. The confidence all +parties had in my prudence rendered my situation very embarrassing, +especially with Madam de Francueil, whose knowledge of me was sufficient +to remove from her all suspicion on my account, although I was connected +with her rival. I did everything I could to console this poor woman, +whose husband certainly did not return the affection she had for him. +I listened to these three persons separately; I kept all their secrets so +faithfully that not one of the three ever drew from me those of the two +others, and this, without concealing from either of the women my +attachment to each of them. Madam de Francueil, who frequently wished to +make me an agent, received refusals in form, and Madam D'Epinay, once +desiring me to charge myself with a letter to M. de Francueil received +the same mortification, accompanied by a very express declaration, that +if ever she wished to drive me forever from the house, she had only a +second time to make me a like proposition. + +In justice to Madam D'Epinay, I must say, that far from being offended +with me she spoke of my conduct to M. de Francueil in terms of the +highest approbation, and continued to receive me as well, and as politely +as ever. It was thus, amidst the heart-burnings of three persons to whom +I was obliged to behave with the greatest circumspection, on whom I in +some measure depended, and for whom I had conceived an attachment, that +by conducting myself with mildness and complaisance, although accompanied +with the greatest firmness, I preserved unto the last not only their +friendship, but their esteem and confidence. Notwithstanding my +absurdities and awkwardness, Madam D'Epinay would have me make one of the +party to the Chevrette, a country-house, near Saint Denis, belonging to +M. de Bellegarde. There was a theatre, in which performances were not +unfrequent. I had a part given me, which I studied for six months +without intermission, and in which, on the evening of the representation, +I was obliged to be prompted from the beginning to the end. After this +experiment no second proposal of the kind was ever made to me. + +My acquaintance with M. D'Epinay procured me that of her sister-in-law, +Mademoiselle de Bellegarde, who soon afterwards became Countess of +Houdetot. The first time I saw her she was upon the point of marriage; +when she conversed with me a long time, with that charming familiarity +which was natural to her. I thought her very amiable, but I was far from +perceiving that this young person would lead me, although innocently, +into the abyss in which I still remain. + +Although I have not spoken of Diderot since my return from Venice, no +more than of my friend M. Roguin, I did not neglect either of them, +especially the former, with whom I daily became more intimate. He had a +Nannette, as well as I a Theresa; this was between us another conformity +of circumstances. But my Theresa, as fine a woman as his Nannette, was +of a mild and amiable character, which might gain and fix the affections +of a worthy man; whereas Nannette was a vixen, a troublesome prater, and +had no qualities in the eyes of others which in any measure compensated +for her want of education. However he married her, which was well done +of him, if he had given a promise to that effect. I, for my part, not +having entered into any such engagement, was not in the least haste to +imitate him. + +I was also connected with the Abbe de Condillac, who had acquired no more +literary fame than myself, but in whom there was every appearance of his +becoming what he now is. I was perhaps the first who discovered the +extent of his abilities, and esteemed them as they deserved. He on his +part seemed satisfied with me, and, whilst shut up in my chamber in the +Rue Jean Saint Denis, near the opera-house, I composed my act of Hesiod, +he sometimes came to dine with me tete-a-tete. We sent for our dinner, +and paid share and share alike. He was at that time employed on his +Essay on the Origin of Human Knowledge, which was his first work. When +this was finished, the difficulty was to find a bookseller who would take +it. The booksellers of Paris are shy of every author at his beginning, +and metaphysics, not much then in vogue, were no very inviting subject. +I spoke to Diderot of Condillac and his work, and I afterwards brought +them acquainted with each other. They were worthy of each other's +esteem, and were presently on the most friendly terms. Diderot persuaded +the bookseller, Durand, to take the manuscript from the abbe, and this +great metaphysician received for his first work, and almost as a favor, +a hundred crowns, which perhaps he would not have obtained without my +assistance. As we lived in a quarter of the town very distant from each +other, we all assembled once a week at the Palais Royal, and went to dine +at the Hotel du Panier Fleuri. These little weekly dinners must have +been extremely pleasing to Diderot; for he who failed in almost all his +appointments never missed one of these. At our little meeting I formed +the plan of a periodical paper, entitled 'le Persifleur'--[The Jeerer]-- +which Diderot and I were alternately to write. I sketched out the first +sheet, and this brought me acquainted with D'Alembert, to whom Diderot +had mentioned it. Unforeseen events frustrated our intention, and the +project was carried no further. + +These two authors had just undertaken the 'Dictionnaire Encyclopedique', +which at first was intended to be nothing more than a kind of translation +of Chambers, something like that of the Medical Dictionary of James, +which Diderot had just finished. Diderot was desirous I should do +something in this second undertaking, and proposed to me the musical +part, which I accepted. This I executed in great haste, and consequently +very ill, in the three months he had given me, as well as all the authors +who were engaged in the work. But I was the only person in readiness at +the time prescribed. I gave him my manuscript, which I had copied by a +laquais, belonging to M. de Francueil of the name of Dupont, who wrote +very well. I paid him ten crowns out of my own pocket, and these have +never been reimbursed me. Diderot had promised me a retribution on the +part of the booksellers, of which he has never since spoken to me nor I +to him. + +This undertaking of the 'Encyclopedie' was interrupted by his +imprisonment. The 'Pensees Philosophiquiest' drew upon him some +temporary inconvenience which had no disagreeable consequences. He did +not come off so easily on account of the 'Lettre sur les Aveugles',-- +[Letter concerning blind persons.]--in which there was nothing +reprehensible, but some personal attacks with which Madam du Pre St. +Maur, and M. de Raumur were displeased: for this he was confined in the +dungeon of Vincennes. Nothing can describe the anguish I felt on account +of the misfortunes of my friend. My wretched imagination, which always +sees everything in the worst light, was terrified. I imagined him to be +confined for the remainder of his life. I was almost distracted with the +thought. I wrote to Madam de Pompadour, beseeching her to release him or +obtain an order to shut me up in the same dungeon. I received no answer +to my letter: this was too reasonable to be efficacious, and I do not +flatter myself that it contributed to the alleviation which, some time +afterwards, was granted to the severities of the confinement of poor +Diderot. Had this continued for any length of time with the same rigor, +I verily believe I should have died in despair at the foot of the hated +dungeon. However, if my letter produced but little effect, I did not on +account of it attribute to myself much merit, for I mentioned it but to +very few people, and never to Diderot himself. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +I am charged with the care of myself only +I strove to flatter my idleness +Men of learning more tenaciously retain their predjudices + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v7 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK VIII. + + +At the end of the preceding book a pause was necessary. With this begins +the long chain of my misfortunes deduced from their origin. + +Having lived in the two most splendid houses in Paris, I had, +notwithstanding my candor and modesty, made some acquaintance. Among +others at Dupin's, that of the young hereditary prince of Saxe-Gotha, and +of the Baron de Thun, his governor; at the house of M. de la Popliniere, +that of M. Seguy, friend to the Baron de Thun, and known in the literary +world by his beautiful edition of Rousseau. The baron invited M. Seguy +and myself to go and pass a day or two at Fontenai sous bois, where the +prince had a house. As I passed Vincennes, at the sight of the dungeon, +my feelings were acute; the effect of which the baron perceived on my +countenance. At supper the prince mentioned the confinement of Diderot. +The baron, to hear what I had to say, accused the prisoner of imprudence; +and I showed not a little of the same in the impetuous manner in which I +defended him. This excess of zeal, inspired by the misfortune which had +befallen my friend, was pardoned, and the conversation immediately +changed. There were present two Germans in the service of the prince. +M. Klupssel, a man of great wit, his chaplain, and who afterwards, having +supplanted the baron, became his governor. The other was a young man +named M. Grimm, who served him as a reader until he could obtain some +place, and whose indifferent appearance sufficiently proved the pressing +necessity he was under of immediately finding one. From this very +evening Klupssel and I began an acquaintance which soon led to +friendship. That with the Sieur Grimm did not make quite so rapid a +progress; he made but few advances, and was far from having that haughty +presumption which prosperity afterwards gave him. The next day at +dinner, the conversation turned upon music; he spoke well on the subject. +I was transported with joy when I learned from him he could play an +accompaniment on the harpsichord. After dinner was over music was +introduced, and we amused ourselves the rest of the afternoon on the +harpischord of the prince. Thus began that friendship which, at first, +was so agreeable to me, afterwards so fatal, and of which I shall +hereafter have so much to say. + +At my return to Paris, I learned the agreeable news that Diderot was +released from the dungeon, and that he had on his parole the castle and +park of Vincennes for a prison, with permission to see his friends. How +painful was it to me not to be able instantly to fly to him! But I was +detained two or three days at Madam Dupin's by indispensable business. +After ages of impatience, I flew to the arms of my friend. He was not +alone: D' Alembert and the treasurer of the Sainte Chapelle were with +him. As I entered I saw nobody but himself, I made but one step, one +cry; I riveted my face to his: I pressed him in my arms, without speaking +to him, except by tears and sighs: I stifled him with my affection and +joy. The first thing he did, after quitting my arms, was to turn himself +towards the ecclesiastic, and say: "You see, sir, how much I am beloved +by my friends." My emotion was so great, that it was then impossible for +me to reflect upon this manner of turning it to advantage; but I have +since thought that, had I been in the place of Diderot, the idea he +manifested would not have been the first that would have occurred to me. + +I found him much affected by his imprisonment. The dungeon had made a +terrible impression upon his mind, and, although he was very agreeably +situated in the castle, and at liberty to, walk where he pleased in the +park, which was not inclosed even by a wall, he wanted the society of his +friends to prevent him from yielding to melancholy. As I was the person +most concerned for his sufferings, I imagined I should also be the +friend, the sight of whom would give him consolation; on which account, +notwithstanding very pressing occupations, I went every two days at +farthest, either alone, or accompanied by his wife, to pass the afternoon +with him. + +The heat of the summer was this year (1749) excessive. Vincennes is two +leagues from Paris. The state of my finances not permitting me to pay +for hackney coaches, at two o'clock in the afternoon, I went on foot, +when alone, and walked as fast as possible, that I might arrive the +sooner. The trees by the side of the road, always lopped, according to +the custom of the country, afforded but little shade, and exhausted by +fatigue, I frequently threw myself on the ground, being unable to proceed +any further. I thought a book in my hand might make me moderate my pace. +One day I took the Mercure de France, and as I walked and read, I came to +the following question proposed by the academy of Dijon, for the premium +of the ensuing year, 'Has the progress of sciences and arts contributed +to corrupt or purify morals?' + +The moment I had read this, I seemed to behold another world, and became +a different man. Although I have a lively remembrance of the impression +it made upon me, the detail has escaped my mind, since I communicated it +to M. de Malesherbes in one of my four letters to him. This is one of +the singularities of my memory which merits to be remarked. It serves me +in proportion to my dependence upon it; the moment I have committed to +paper that with which it was charged, it forsakes me, and I have no +sooner written a thing than I had forgotten it entirely. This +singularity is the same with respect to music. Before I learned the use +of notes I knew a great number of songs; the moment I had made a +sufficient progress to sing an air set to music, I could not recollect +any one of them; and, at present, I much doubt whether I should be able +entirely to go through one of those of which I was the most fond. All I +distinctly recollect upon this occasion is, that on my arrival at +Vincennes, I was in an agitation which approached a delirium. Diderot +perceived it; I told him the cause, and read to him the prosopopoeia of +Fabricius, written with a pencil under a tree. He encouraged me to +pursue my ideas, and to become a competitor for the premium. I did so, +and from that moment I was ruined. + +All the rest of my misfortunes during my life were the inevitable effect +of this moment of error. + +My sentiments became elevated with the most inconceivable rapidity to the +level of my ideas. All my little passions were stifled by the enthusiasm +of truth, liberty, and virtue; and, what is most astonishing, this +effervescence continued in my mind upwards of five years, to as great a +degree perhaps as it has ever done in that of any other man. I composed +the discourse in a very singular manner, and in that style which I have +always followed in my other works. I dedicated to it the hours of the +night in which sleep deserted me, I meditated in my bed with my eyes +closed, and in my mind turned over and over again my periods with +incredible labor and care; the moment they were finished to my +satisfaction, I deposited them in my memory, until I had an opportunity +of committing them to paper; but the time of rising and putting on my +clothes made me lose everything, and when I took up my pen I recollected +but little of what I had composed. I made Madam le Vasseur my secretary; +I had lodged her with her daughter, and husband, nearer to myself; and +she, to save me the expense of a servant, came every morning to make my +fire, and to do such other little things as were necessary. As soon as +she arrived I dictated to her while in bed what I had composed in the +night, and this method, which for a long time I observed, preserved me +many things I should otherwise have forgotten. + +As soon as the discourse was finished, I showed it to Diderot. He was +satisfied with the production, and pointed out some corrections he +thought necessary to be made. + +However, this composition, full of force and fire, absolutely wants logic +and order; of all the works I ever wrote, this is the weakest in +reasoning, and the most devoid of number and harmony. With whatever +talent a man may be born, the art of writing is not easily learned. + +I sent off this piece without mentioning it to anybody, except, I think, +to Grimm, with whom, after his going to live with the Comte de Vriese, I +began to be upon the most intimate footing. His harpsichord served as a +rendezvous, and I passed with him at it all the moments I had to spare, +in singing Italian airs, and barcaroles; sometimes without intermission, +from morning till night, or rather from night until morning; and when I +was not to be found at Madam Dupin's, everybody concluded I was with +Grimm at his apartment, the public walk, or theatre. I left off going to +the Comedie Italienne, of which I was free, to go with him, and pay, to +the Comedie Francoise, of which he was passionately fond. In short, so +powerful an attraction connected me with this young man, and I became so +inseparable from him, that the poor aunt herself was rather neglected, +that is, I saw her less frequently; for in no moment of my life has my +attachment to her been diminished. + +This impossibility of dividing, in favor of my inclinations, the little +time I had to myself, renewed more strongly than ever the desire I had +long entertained of having but one home for Theresa and myself; but the +embarrassment of her numerous family, and especially the want of money to +purchase furniture, had hitherto withheld me from accomplishing it. An +opportunity to endeavor at it presented itself, and of this I took +advantage. M. de Francueil and Madam Dupin, clearly perceiving that +eight or nine hundred livres a year were unequal to my wants, increased +of their own accord, my salary to fifty guineas; and Madam Dupin, having +heard I wished to furnish myself lodgings, assisted me with some articles +for that purpose. With this furniture and that Theresa already had, we +made one common stock, and, having an apartment in the Hotel de +Languedoc, Rue de Grevelle St, Honor, kept by very honest people, we +arranged ourselves in the best manner we could, and lived there peaceably +and agreeably during seven years, at the end of which I removed to go and +live at the Hermitage. + +Theresa's father was a good old man, very mild in his disposition, and +much afraid of his wife; for this reason he had given her the surname of +Lieutenant Criminal, which Grimm, jocosely, afterwards transferred to the +daughter. Madam le Vasseur did not want sense, that is address; and +pretended to the politeness and airs of the first circles; but she had a +mysterious wheedling, which to me was insupportable, gave bad advice to +her daughter, endeavored to make her dissemble with me, and separately, +cajoled my friends at my expense, and that of each other; excepting these +circumstances; she was a tolerably good mother, because she found her +account in being so, and concealed the faults of her daughter to turn +them to her own advantage. This woman, who had so much of my care and +attention, to whom I made so many little presents, and by whom I had it +extremely at heart to make myself beloved, was, from the impossibility of +my succeeding in this wish, the only cause of the uneasiness I suffered +in my little establishment. Except the effects of this cause I enjoyed, +during these six or seven, years, the most perfect domestic happiness of +which human weakness is capable. The heart of my Theresa was that of an +angel; our attachment increased with our intimacy, and we were more and +more daily convinced how much we were made for each other. Could our +pleasures be described, their simplicity would cause laughter. Our +walks, tete-a-tete, on the outside of the city, where I magnificently +spent eight or ten sous in each guinguette.--[Ale-house]-- Our little +suppers at my window, seated opposite to each other upon two little +chairs, placed upon a trunk, which filled up the spare of the embrasure. +In this situation the window served us as a table, we respired the fresh +air, enjoyed the prospect of the environs and the people who passed; and, +although upon the fourth story, looked down into the street as we ate. + +Who can describe, and how few can feel, the charms of these repasts, +consisting of a quartern loaf, a few cherries, a morsel of cheese, and +half-a-pint of wine which we drank between us? Friendship, confidence, +intimacy, sweetness of disposition, how delicious are your reasonings! +We sometimes remained in this situation until midnight, and never thought +of the hour, unless informed of it by the old lady. But let us quit +these details, which are either insipid or laughable; I have always said +and felt that real enjoyment was not to be described. + +Much about the same time I indulged in one not so delicate, and the last +of the kind with which I have to reproach myself. I have observed that +the minister Klupssel was an amiable man; my connections with him were +almost as intimate as those I had with Grimm, and in the end became as +familiar; Grimm and he sometimes eat at my apartment. These repasts, a +little more than simple, were enlivened by the witty and extravagant +wantonness of expression of Klupssel, and the diverting Germanicisms of +Grimm, who was not yet become a purist. + +Sensuality did not preside at our little orgies, but joy, which was +preferable, reigned in them all, and we enjoyed ourselves so well +together that we knew not how to separate. Klupssel had furnished a +lodging for a little girl, who, notwithstanding this, was at the service +of anybody, because he could not support her entirely himself. One +evening as we were going into the coffee-house, we met him coming out to +go and sup with her. We rallied him; he revenged himself gallantly, by +inviting us to the same supper, and there rallying us in our turn. The +poor young creature appeared to be of a good disposition, mild and little +fitted to the way of life to which an old hag she had with her, prepared +her in the best manner she could. Wine and conversation enlivened us to +such a degree that we forgot ourselves. The amiable Klupssel was +unwilling to do the honors of his table by halves, and we all three +successively took a view of the next chamber, in company with his little +friend, who knew not whether she should laugh or cry. Grimm has always +maintained that he never touched her; it was therefore to amuse himself +with our impatience, that he remained so long in the other chamber, and +if he abstained, there is not much probability of his having done so from +scruple, because previous to his going to live with the Comte de Friese, +he lodged with girls of the town in the same quarter of St. Roch. + +I left the Rue des Moineaux, where this girl lodged, as much ashamed as +Saint Preux left the house in which he had become intoxicated, and when I +wrote his story I well remembered my own. Theresa perceived by some +sign, and especially by my confusion, I had something with which I +reproached myself; I relieved my mind by my free and immediate +confession. I did well, for the next day Grimm came in triumph to relate +to her my crime with aggravation, and since that time he has never failed +maliciously to recall it to her recollection; in this he was the more +culpable, since I had freely and voluntarily given him my confidence, and +had a right to expect he would not make me repent of it. I never had a +more convincing proof than on this occasion, of the goodness of my +Theresa's heart; she was more shocked at the behavior of Grimm than at my +infidelity, and I received nothing from her but tender reproaches, in +which there was not the least appearance of anger. + +The simplicity of mind of this excellent girl was equal to her goodness +of heart; and this is saying everything: but one instance of it, which is +present to my recollection, is worthy of being related. I had told her +Klupssel was a minister, and chaplain to the prince of Saxe-Gotha. A +minister was to her so singular a man, that oddly confounding the most +dissimilar ideas, she took it into her head to take Klupssel for the +pope; I thought her mad the first time she told me when I came in, that +the pope had called to see me. I made her explain herself and lost not a +moment in going to relate the story to Grimm and Klupssel, who amongst +ourselves never lost the name of pope. We gave to the girl in the Rue +des Moineaux the name of Pope Joan. Our laughter was incessant; it +almost stifled us. They, who in a letter which it hath pleased them to +attribute to me, have made me say I never laughed but twice in my life, +did not know me at this period, nor in my younger days; for if they had, +the idea could never have entered into their heads. + +The year following (1750), not thinking more of my discourse; I learned +it had gained the premium at Dijon. This news awakened all the ideas +which had dictated it to me, gave them new animation, and completed the +fermentation of my heart of that first leaven of heroism and virtue which +my father, my country, and Plutarch had inspired in my infancy. Nothing +now appeared great in my eyes but to be free and virtuous, superior to +fortune and opinion, and independent of all exterior circumstances; +although a false shame, and the fear of disapprobation at first prevented +me from conducting myself according to these principles, and from +suddenly quarreling with the maxims of the age in which I lived, I from +that moment took a decided resolution to do it.--[And of this I purposely +delayed the execution, that irritated by contradiction f it might be +rendered triumphant.] + +While I was philosophizing upon the duties of man, an event happened +which made me better reflect upon my own. Theresa became pregnant for +the third time. Too sincere with myself, too haughty in my mind to +contradict my principles by my actions, I began to examine the +destination of my children, and my connections with the mother, according +to the laws of nature, justice, and reason, and those of that religion, +pure, holy, and eternal, like its author, which men have polluted while +they pretended to purify it, and which by their formularies they have +reduced to a religion of words, since the difficulty of prescribing +impossibilities is but trifling to those by whom they are not practised. + +If I deceived myself in my conclusions, nothing can be more astonishing +than the security with which I depended upon them. Were I one of those +men unfortunately born deaf to the voice of nature, in whom no sentiment +of justice or humanity ever took the least root, this obduracy would be +natural. But that warmth of heart, strong sensibility, and facility of +forming attachments; the force with which they subdue me; my cruel +sufferings when obliged to break them; the innate benevolence I cherished +towards my fellow-creatures; the ardent love I bear to great virtues, to +truth and justice, the horror in which I hold evil of every kind; the +impossibility of hating, of injuring or wishing to injure anyone; the +soft and lively emotion I feel at the sight of whatever is virtuous, +generous and amiable; can these meet in the same mind with the depravity +which without scruple treads under foot the most pleasing of all our +duties? No, I feel, and openly declare this to be impossible. Never in +his whole life could J. J. be a man without sentiment or an unnatural +father. I may have been deceived, but it is impossible I should have +lost the least of my feelings. Were I to give my reasons, I should say +too much; since they have seduced me, they would seduce many others. I +will not therefore expose those young persons by whom I may be read to +the same danger. I will satisfy myself by observing that my error was +such, that in abandoning my children to public education for want of the +means of bringing them up myself; in destining them to become workmen and +peasants, rather than adventurers and fortune-hunters, I thought I acted +like an honest citizen, and a good father, and considered myself as a +member of the republic of Plato. Since that time the regrets of my heart +have more than once told me I was deceived; but my reason was so far from +giving me the same intimation, that I have frequently returned thanks to +Heaven for having by this means preserved them from the fate of their +father, and that by which they were threatened the moment I should have +been under the necessity of leaving them. Had I left them to Madam +d'Upinay, or Madam de Luxembourg, who, from friendship, generosity, or +some other motive, offered to take care of them in due time, would they +have been more happy, better brought up, or honester men? To this I +cannot answer; but I am certain they would have been taught to hate and +perhaps betray their parents: it is much better that they have never +known them. + +My third child was therefore carried to the foundling hospital as well as +the two former, and the next two were disposed of in the same manner; for +I have had five children in all. This arrangement seemed to me to be so +good, reasonable and lawful, that if I did not publicly boast of it, the +motive by which I was withheld was merely my regard for their mother: but +I mentioned it to all those to whom I had declared our connection, to +Diderot, to Grimm, afterwards to M. d'Epinay, and after another interval +to Madam de Luxembourg; and this freely and voluntarily, without being +under the least necessity of doing it, having it in my power to conceal +the step from all the world; for La Gouin was an honest woman, very +discreet, and a person on whom I had the greatest reliance. The only one +of my friends to whom it was in some measure my interest to open myself, +was Thierry the physician, who had the care of my poor aunt in one of her +lyings in, in which she was very ill. In a word, there was no mystery in +my conduct, not only on account of my never having concealed anything +from my friends, but because I never found any harm in it. Everything +considered, I chose the best destination for my children, or that which I +thought to be such. I could have wished, and still should be glad, had I +been brought up as they have been. + +Whilst I was thus communicating what I had done, Madam. le Vasseur did +the same thing amongst her acquaintance, but with less disinterested +views. I introduced her and her daughter to Madam Dupin, who, from +friendship to me, showed them the greatest kindness. The mother confided +to her the secret of the daughter. Madam Dupin, who is generous and +kind, and to whom she never told how attentive I was to her, +notwithstanding my moderate resources, in providing for everything, +provided on her part for what was necessary, with a liberality which, by +order of her mother, the daughter concealed from me during my residence +in Paris, nor ever mentioned it until we were at the Hermitage, when she +informed me of it, after having disclosed to me several other secrets of +her heart. I did not know Madam Dupin, who never took the least notice +to me of the matter, was so well informed: I know not yet whether Madam +de Chenonceaux, her daughter-in-law, was as much in the secret: but Madam +de Brancueil knew the whole and could not refrain from prattling. She +spoke of it to me the following year, after I had left her house. This +induced me to write her a letter upon the subject, which will be found in +my collections, and wherein I gave such of my reasons as I could make +public, without exposing Madam le Vasseur and her family; the most +determinative of them came from that quarter, and these I kept profoundly +secret. + +I can rely upon the discretion of Madam Dupin, and the friendship of +Madam de Chenonceaux; I had the same dependence upon that of Madam de +Francuiel, who, however, was long dead before my secret made its way into +the world. This it could never have done except by means of the persons +to whom I intrusted it, nor did it until after my rupture with them. By +this single fact they are judged; without exculpating myself from the +blame I deserve, I prefer it to that resulting from their malignity. My +fault is great, but it was an error. I have neglected my duty, but the +desire of doing an injury never entered my heart; and the feelings of a +father were never more eloquent in favor of children whom he never saw. +But: betraying the confidence of friendship, violating the most sacred of +all engagements, publishing secrets confided to us, and wantonly +dishonoring the friend we have deceived, and who in detaching himself +from our society still respects us, are not faults, but baseness of mind, +and the last degree of heinousness. + +I have promised my confession and not my justification; on which account +I shall stop here. It is my duty faithfully to relate the truth, that of +the reader to be just; more than this I never shall require of him. + +The marriage of M. de Chenonceaux rendered his mother's house still more +agreeable to me, by the wit and merit of the new bride, a very amiable +young person, who seemed to distinguish me amongst the scribes of M. +Dupin. She was the only daughter of the Viscountess de Rochechouart, a +great friend of the Comte de Friese, and consequently of Grimm's who was +very attentive to her. However, it was I who introduced him to her +daughter; but their characters not suiting each other, this connection +was not of long duration; and Grimm, who from that time aimed at what was +solid, preferred the mother, a woman of the world, to the daughter who +wished for steady friends, such as were agreeable to her, without +troubling her head about the least intrigue, or making any interest +amongst the great. Madam Dupin no longer finding in Madam de Chenonceaux +all the docility she expected, made her house very disagreeable to her, +and Madam de Chenonceaux, having a great opinion of her own merit, and, +perhaps, of her birth, chose rather to give up the pleasures of society, +and remain almost alone in her apartment, than to submit to a yoke she +was not disposed to bear. This species of exile increased my attachment +to her, by that natural inclination which excites me to approach the +wretched, I found her mind metaphysical and reflective, although at times +a little sophistical; her conversation, which was by no means that of a +young woman coming from a convent, had for me the greatest attractions; +yet she was not twenty years of age. Her complexion was seducingly fair; +her figure would have been majestic had she held herself more upright. +Her hair, which was fair, bordering upon ash color, and uncommonly +beautiful, called to my recollection that of my poor mamma in the flower +of her age, and strongly agitated my heart. But the severe principles I +had just laid down for myself, by which at all events I was determined to +be guided, secured me from the danger of her and her charms. During the +whole summer I passed three or four hours a day in a tete-a-tete +conversation with her, teaching her arithmetic, and fatiguing her with my +innumerable ciphers, without uttering a single word of gallantry, or even +once glancing my eyes upon her. Five or six years later I should not +have had so much wisdom or folly; but it was decreed I was never to love +but once in my life, and that another person was to have the first and +last sighs of my heart. + +Since I had lived in the house of Madam Dupin, I had always been +satisfied with my situation, without showing the least sign of a desire +to improve it. The addition which, in conjunction with M. de Francueil, +she had made to my salary, was entirely of their own accord. This year +M. de Francueil, whose friendship for me daily increased, had it in his +thoughts to place me more at ease, and in a less precarious situation. +He was receiver-general of finance. M. Dudoyer, his cash-keeper, was old +and rich, and wished to retire. M. de Francueil offered me his place, +and to prepare myself for it, I went during a few weeks, to Dudoyer, to +take the necessary instructions. But whether my talents were ill-suited +to the employment, or that M. Dudoyer, who I thought wished to procure +his place for another, was not in earnest in the instructions he gave me, +I acquired by slow degrees, and very imperfectly, the knowledge I was in +want of, and could never understand the nature of accounts, rendered +intricate, perhaps designedly. However, without having possessed myself +of the whole scope of the business, I learned enough of the method to +pursue it without the least difficulty; I even entered on my new office; +I kept the cashbook and the cash; I paid and received money, took and +gave receipts; and although this business was so ill suited to my +inclinations as to my abilities, maturity of years beginning to render me +sedate, I was determined to conquer my disgust, and entirely devote +myself to my new employment. + +Unfortunately for me, I had no sooner begun to proceed without +difficulty, than M. de Francueil took a little journey, during which I +remained intrusted with the cash, which, at that time, did not amount to +more than twenty-five to thirty thousand livres. The anxiety of mind +this sum of money occasioned me, made me perceive I was very unfit to be +a cash-keeper, and I have no doubt but my uneasy situation, during his +absence, contributed to the illness with which I was seized after his +return. + +I have observed in my first part that I was born in a dying state. A +defect in the bladder caused me, during my early years, to suffer an +almost continual retention of urine, and my Aunt Susan, to whose care I +was intrusted, had inconceivable difficulty in preserving me. However, +she succeeded, and my robust constitution at length got the better of all +my weakness, and my health became so well established that except the +illness from languor, of which I have given an account, and frequent +heats in the bladder which the least heating of the blood rendered +troublesome, I arrived at the age of thirty almost without feeling my +original infirmity. The first time this happened was upon my arrival at +Venice. The fatigue of the voyage, and the extreme heat I had suffered, +renewed the burnings, and gave me a pain in the loins, which continued +until the beginning of winter. After having seen padoana, I thought +myself near the end of my career, but I suffered not the least +inconvenience. After exhausting my imagination more than my body for my +Zulietta, I enjoyed better health than ever. It was not until after the +imprisonment of Diderot that the heat of blood, brought on by my journeys +to Vincennes during the terrible heat of that summer, gave me a violent +nephritic colic, since which I have never recovered my primitive good +state of health. + +At the time of which I speak, having perhaps fatigued myself too much in +the filthy work of the cursed receiver-general's office, I fell into a +worse state than ever, and remained five or six weeks in my bed in the +most melancholy state imaginable. Madam Dupin sent me the celebrated +Morand who, notwithstanding his address and the delicacy of his touch, +made me suffer the greatest torments. He advised me to have recourse to +Daran, who, in fact gave me some relief: but Morand, when he gave Madam +Dupin an account of the state I was in, declared to her I should not be +alive in six months. This afterwards came to my ear, and made me reflect +seriously on my situation and the folly of sacrificing the repose of the +few days I had to live to the slavery of an employment for which I felt +nothing but disgust. Besides, how was it possible to reconcile the +severe principles I had just adopted to a situation with which they had +so little relation? Should not I, the cash-keeper of a receiver-general +of finances, have preached poverty and disinterestedness with a very ill +grace? These ideas fermented so powerfully in my mind with the fever, +and were so strongly impressed, that from that time nothing could remove +them; and, during my convalescence, I confirmed myself with the greatest +coolness in the resolutions I had taken during my delirium. I forever +abandoned all projects of fortune and advancement, resolved to pass in +independence and poverty the little time I had to exist. I made every +effort of which my mind was capable to break the fetters of prejudice, +and courageously to do everything that was right without giving myself +the least concern about the judgment of others. The obstacles I had to +combat, and the efforts I made to triumph over them, are inconceivable. +I succeeded as much as it was possible I should, and to a greater degree +than I myself had hoped for. Had I at the same time shaken off the yoke +of friendship as well as that of prejudice, my design would have been +accomplished, perhaps the greatest, at least the most useful one to +virtue, that mortal ever conceived; but whilst I despised the foolish +judgments of the vulgar tribe called great and wise, I suffered myself to +be influenced and led by persons who called themselves my friends. +These, hurt at seeing me walk alone in a new path, while I seemed to take +measures for my happiness, used all their endeavors to render me +ridiculous, and that they might afterwards defame me, first strove to +make me contemptible. It was less my literary fame than my personal +reformation, of which I here state the period, that drew upon me their +jealousy; they perhaps might have pardoned me for having distinguished +myself in the art of writing; but they could never forgive my setting +them, by my conduct, an example, which, in their eyes, seemed to reflect +on themselves. I was born for friendship; my mind and easy disposition +nourished it without difficulty. As long as I lived unknown to the +public I was beloved by all my private acquaintance, and I had not a +single enemy. But the moment I acquired literary fame, I had no longer a +friend. This, was a great misfortune; but a still greater was that of +being surrounded by people who called themselves my friends, and used the +rights attached to that sacred name to lead me on to destruction. The +succeeding part of these memoirs will explain this odious conspiracy. I +here speak of its origin, and the manner of the first intrigue will +shortly appear. + +In the independence in which I lived, it was, however, necessary to +subsist. To this effect I thought of very simple means: which were +copying music at so much a page. If any employment more solid would have +fulfilled the same end I would have taken it up; but this occupation +being to my taste, and the only one which, without personal attendance, +could procure me daily bread, I adopted it. Thinking I had no longer +need of foresight, and, stifling the vanity of cash-keeper to a +financier, I made myself a copyist of music. I thought I had made an +advantageous choice, and of this I so little repented, that I never +quitted my new profession until I was forced to do it, after taking a +fixed resolution to return to it as soon as possible. + +The success of my first discourse rendered the execution of this +resolution more easy. As soon as it had gained the premium, Diderot +undertook to get it printed. Whilst I was in my bed, he wrote me a note +informing me of the publication and effect: "It takes," said he, "beyond +all imagination; never was there an instance of alike success." + +This favor of the public, by no means solicited, and to an unknown +author, gave me the first real assurance of my talents, of which, +notwithstanding an internal sentiment, I had always had my doubts. I +conceived the great advantage to be drawn from it in favor of the way of +life I had determined to pursue; and was of opinion, that a copyist of +some celebrity in the republic of letters was not likely to want +employment. + +The moment my resolution was confirmed, I wrote a note to M, de +Francueil, communicating to him my intentions, thanking him and Madam +Dupin for all goodness, and offering them my services in the way of my +new profession. Francueil did not understand my note, and, thinking I +was still in the delirium of fever, hastened to my apartment; but he +found me so determined, that all he could say to me was without the least +effect. He went to Madam Dupin, and told her and everybody he met, that +I had become insane. I let him say what he pleased, and pursued the plan +I had conceived. I began the change in my dress; I quitted laced clothes +and white stockings; I put on a round wig, laid aside my sword, and sold +my watch; saying to myself, with inexpressible pleasure: "Thank Heaven! +I shall no longer want to know the hour!" M. de Francueil had the +goodness to wait a considerable time before he disposed of my place. At +length perceiving me inflexibly resolved, he gave it to M. d'Alibard, +formerly tutor to the young Chenonceaux, and known as a botanist by his +Flora Parisiensis. + + [I doubt not but these circumstances are now differently related by + M. Francueil and his consorts: but I appeal to what he said of them + at the time and long afterwards, to everybody he knew, until the + forming of the conspiracy, and of which men of common sense and + honor, must have preserved a remembrance.] + +However austere my sumptuary reform might be, I did not at first extend +it to my linen, which was fine and in great quantity, the remainder of my +stock when at Venice, and to which I was particularly attached. I had +made it so much an object of cleanliness, that it became one of luxury, +which was rather expensive. Some persons, however, did me the favor to +deliver me from this servitude. On Christmas Eve, whilst the governesses +were at vespers, and I was at the spiritual concert, the door of a +garret, in which all our linen was hung up after being washed, was broken +open. Everything was stolen; and amongst other things, forty-two of my +shirts, of very fine linen, and which were the principal part of my +stock. By the manner in which the neighbors described a man whom they +had seen come out of the hotel with several parcels whilst we were all +absent, Theresa and myself suspected her brother, whom we knew to be a +worthless man. The mother strongly endeavored to remove this suspicion, +but so many circumstances concurred to prove it to be well founded, that, +notwithstanding all she could say, our opinions remained still the same: +I dared not make a strict search for fear of finding more than I wished +to do. The brother never returned to the place where I lived, and, at +length, was no more heard of by any of us. I was much grieved Theresa +and myself should be connected with such a family, and I exhorted her +more than ever to shake off so dangerous a yoke. This adventure cured me +of my inclination for fine linen, and since that time all I have had has +been very common, and more suitable to the rest of my dress. + +Having thus completed the change of that which related to my person, all +my cares tendered to render it solid and lasting, by striving to root out +from my heart everything susceptible of receiving an impression from the +judgment of men, or which, from the fear of blame, might turn me aside +from anything good and reasonable in itself. In consequence of the +success of my work, my resolution made some noise in the world also, +and procured me employment; so that I began my new profession with great +appearance of success. However, several causes prevented me from +succeeding in it to the same degree I should under any other +circumstances have done. In the first place my ill state of health. +The attack I had just had, brought on consequences which prevented my +ever being so well as I was before; and I am of opinion, the physicians, +to whose care I intrusted myself, did me as much harm as my illness. +I was successively under the hands of Morand, Daran, Helvetius, Malouin, +and Thyerri: men able in their profession, and all of them my friends, +who treated me each according to his own manner, without giving me the +least relief, and weakened me considerably. The more I submitted to +their direction, the yellower, thinner, and weaker I became. My +imagination, which they terrified, judging of my situation by the effect +of their drugs, presented to me, on this side of the tomb, nothing but +continued sufferings from the gravel, stone, and retention of urine. +Everything which gave relief to others, ptisans, baths, and bleeding, +increased my tortures. Perceiving the bougees of Daran, the only ones +that had any favorable effect, and without which I thought I could no +longer exist, to give me a momentary relief, I procured a prodigious +number of them, that, in case of Daran's death, I might never be at a +loss. During the eight or ten years in which I made such frequent use of +these, they must, with what I had left, have cost me fifty louis. + +It will easily be judged, that such expensive and painful means did not +permit me to work without interruption; and that a dying man is not +ardently industrious in the business by which he gains his daily bread. + +Literary occupations caused another interruption not less prejudicial to +my daily employment. My discourse had no sooner appeared than the +defenders of letters fell upon me as if they had agreed with each to do +it. My indignation was so raised at seeing so many blockheads, who did +not understand the question, attempt to decide upon it imperiously, that +in my answer I gave some of them the worst of it. One M. Gautier, of +Nancy, the first who fell under the lash of my pen, was very roughly +treated in a letter to M. Grimm. The second was King Stanislaus, +himself, who did not disdain to enter the lists with me. The honor he +did me, obliged me to change my manner in combating his opinions; I made +use of a graver style, but not less nervous; and without failing in +respect to the author, I completely refuted his work. I knew a Jesuit, +Father de Menou, had been concerned in it. I depended on my judgment to +distinguish what was written by the prince, from the production of the +monk, and falling without mercy upon all the jesuitical phrases, I +remarked, as I went along, an anachronism which I thought could come from +nobody but the priest. This composition, which, for what reason I knew +not, has been less spoken of than any of my other writings, is the only +one of its kind. I seized the opportunity which offered of showing to +the public in what manner an individual may defend the cause of truth +even against a sovereign. It is difficult to adopt a more dignified and +respectful manner than that in which I answered him. I had the happiness +to have to do with an adversary to whom, without adulation, I could show +every mark of the esteem of which my heart was full; and this I did with +success and a proper dignity. My friends, concerned for my safety, +imagined they already saw me in the Bastile. This apprehension never +once entered my head, and I was right in not being afraid. The good +prince, after reading my answer, said: "I have enough of at; I will not +return to the charge." I have, since that time received from him +different marks of esteem and benevolence, some of which I shall have +occasion to speak of; and what I had written was read in France, and +throughout Europe, without meeting the least censure. + +In a little time I had another adversary whom I had not expected; this +was the same M. Bordes, of Lyons, who ten years before had shown me much +friendship, and from whom I had received several services. I had not +forgotten him, but had neglected him from idleness, and had not sent him +my writings for want of an opportunity, without seeking for it, to get +them conveyed to his hands. I was therefore in the wrong, and he +attacked me; this, however, he did politely, and I answered in the same +manner. He replied more decidedly. This produced my last answer; after +which I heard no more from him upon the subject; but he became my most +violent enemy, took the advantage of the time of my misfortunes, to +publish against me the most indecent libels, and made a journey to London +on purpose to do me an injury. + +All this controversy employed me a good deal, and caused me a great loss +of my time in my copying, without much contributing to the progress of +truth, or the good of my purse. Pissot, at that time my bookseller, gave +me but little for my pamphlets, frequently nothing at all, and I never +received a farthing for my first discourse. Diderot gave it him. I was +obliged to wait a long time for the little he gave me, and to take it +from him in the most trifling sums. Notwithstanding this, my copying +went on but slowly. I had two things together upon my hands, which was +the most likely means of doing them both ill. + +They were very opposite to each other in their effects by the different +manners of living to which they rendered me subject. The success of my +first writings had given me celebrity. My new situation excited +curiosity. Everybody wished to know that whimsical man who sought not +the acquaintance of any one, and whose only desire was to live free and +happy in the manner he had chosen; this was sufficient to make the thing +impossible to me. My apartment was continually full of people, who, +under different pretences, came to take up my time. The women employed a +thousand artifices to engage me to dinner. The more unpolite I was with +people, the more obstinate they became. I could not refuse everybody. +While I made myself a thousand enemies by my refusals, I was incessantly +a slave to my complaisance, and, in whatever manner I made my +engagements, I had not an hour in a day to myself. + +I then perceived it was not so easy to be poor and independent, as I had +imagined. I wished to live by my profession: the public would not suffer +me to do it. A thousand means were thought of to indemnify me for the +time I lost. The next thing would have been showing myself like Punch, +at so much each person. I knew no dependence more cruel and degrading +than this. I saw no other method of putting an end to it than refusing +all kinds of presents, great and small, let them come from whom they +would. This had no other effect than to increase the number of givers, +who wished to have the honor of overcoming my resistance, and to force +me, in spite of myself, to be under an obligation to them. + +Many, who would not have given me half-a-crown had I asked it from them, +incessantly importuned me with their offers, and, in revenge for my +refusal, taxed me with arrogance and ostentation. + +It will naturally be conceived that the resolutions I had taken, and the +system I wished to follow, were not agreeable to Madam le Vasseur. All +the disinterestedness of the daughter did not prevent her from following +the directions of her mother; and the governesses, as Gauffecourt called +them, were not always so steady in their refusals as I was. Although +many things were concealed from me, I perceived so many as were necessary +to enable me to judge that I did not see all, and this tormented me less +by the accusation of connivance, which it was so easy for me to foresee, +than by the cruel idea of never being master in my own apartments, nor +even of my own person. I prayed, conjured, and became angry, all to no +purpose; the mother made me pass for an eternal grumbler, and a man who +was peevish and ungovernable. She held perpetual whisperings with my +friends; everything in my little family was mysterious and a secret to +me; and, that I might not incessantly expose myself to noisy quarrelling, +I no longer dared to take notice of what passed in it. A firmness of +which I was not capable, would have been necessary to withdraw me from +this domestic strife. I knew how to complain, but not how to act: they +suffered me to say what I pleased, and continued to act as they thought +proper. + +This constant teasing, and the daily importunities to which I was +subject, rendered the house, and my residence at Paris, disagreeable to +me. When my indisposition permitted me to go out, and I did not suffer +myself to be led by my acquaintance first to one place and then to +another, I took a walk, alone, and reflected on my grand system, +something of which I committed to paper, bound up between two covers, +which, with a pencil, I always had in my pocket. In this manner, the +unforeseen disagreeableness of a situation I had chosen entirely led me +back to literature, to which unsuspectedly I had recourse as a means of +releaving my mind, and thus, in the first works I wrote, I introduced the +peevishness and ill-humor which were the cause of my undertaking them. +There was another circumstance which contributed not a little to this; +thrown into the world despite of myself, without having the manners of +it, or being in a situation to adopt and conform myself to them, I took +it into my head to adopt others of my own, to enable me to dispense with +those of society. My foolish timidity, which I could not conquer, having +for principle the fear of being wanting in the common forms, I took, by +way of encouraging myself, a resolution to tread them under foot. I +became sour and cynic from shame, and affected to despise the politeness +which I knew not how to practice. This austerity, conformable to my new +principles, I must confess, seemed to ennoble itself in my mind; it +assumed in my eyes the form of the intrepidity of virtue, and I dare +assert it to be upon this noble basis, that it supported itself longer +and better than could have been expected from anything so contrary to my +nature. Yet, not withstanding, I had the name of a misanthrope, which my +exterior appearance and some happy expressions had given me in the world: +it is certain I did not support the character well in private, that my +friends and acquaintance led this untractable bear about like a lamb, and +that, confining my sarcasms to severe but general truths, I was never +capable of saying an uncivil thing to any person whatsoever. + +The 'Devin du Village' brought me completely into vogue, and presently +after there was not a man in Paris whose company was more sought after +than mine. The history of this piece, which is a kind of era in my life, +is joined with that of the connections I had at that time. I must enter +a little into particulars to make what is to follow the better +understood. + +I had a numerous acquaintance, yet no more than two friends: Diderot and +Grimm. By an effect of the desire I have ever felt to unite everything +that is dear to me, I was too much a friend to both not to make them +shortly become so to each other. I connected them: they agreed well +together, and shortly become more intimate with each other than with me. +Diderot had a numerous acquaintance, but Grimm, a stranger and a new- +comer, had his to procure, and with the greatest pleasure I procured him +all I could. I had already given him Diderot. I afterwards brought him +acquainted with Gauffecourt. I introduced him to Madam Chenonceaux, +Madam D'Epinay, and the Baron d'Holbach; with whom I had become connected +almost in spite of myself. All my friends became his: this was natural: +but not one of his ever became mine; which was inclining to the contrary. +Whilst he yet lodged at the house of the Comte de Friese, he frequently +gave us dinners in his apartment, but I never received the least mark of +friendship from the Comte de Friese, Comte de Schomberg, his relation, +very familiar with Grimm, nor from any other person, man or woman, with +whom Grimm, by their means, had any connection. I except the Abbe +Raynal, who, although his friend, gave proofs of his being mine; and in +cases of need, offered me his purse with a generosity not very common. +But I knew the Abbe Raynal long before Grimm had any acquaintance with +him, and had entertained a great regard for him on account of his +delicate and honorable behavior to me upon a slight occasion, which I +shall never forget. + +The Abbe Raynal is certainly a warm friend; of this I saw a proof, much +about the time of which I speak, with respect to Grimm himself, with whom +he was very intimate. Grimm, after having been sometime on a footing of +friendship with Mademoiselle Fel, fell violently in love with her, and +wished to supplant Cahusac. The young lady, piquing herself on her +constancy, refused her new admirer. He took this so much to heart, that +the appearance of his affliction became tragical. He suddenly fell into +the strangest state imaginable. He passed days and nights in a continued +lethargy. He lay with his eyes open; and although his pulse continued to +beat regularly, without speaking eating, or stirring, yet sometimes +seeming to hear what was said to him, but never answering, not even by a +sign, and remaining almost as immovable as if he had been dead, yet +without agitation, pain, or fever. The Abbe Raynal and myself watched +over him; the abbe, more robust, and in better health than I was, by +night, and I by day, without ever both being absent at one time. The +Comte de Friese was alarmed, and brought to him Senac, who, after having +examined the state in which he was, said there was nothing to apprehend, +and took his leave without giving a prescription. My fears for my friend +made me carefully observe the countenance of the physician, and I +perceived him smile as he went away. However, the patient remained +several days almost motionless, without taking anything except a few +preserved cherries, which from time to time I put upon his tongue, and +which he swallowed without difficulty. At length he, one morning, rose, +dressed himself, and returned to his usual way of life, without either at +that time or afterwards speaking to me or the Abbe Raynal, at least that +I know of, or to any other person, of this singular lethargy, or the care +we had taken of him during the time it lasted. + +The affair made a noise, and it would really have been a wonderful +circumstance had the cruelty of an opera girl made a man die of despair. +This strong passion brought Grimm into vogue; he was soon considered as a +prodigy in love, friendship, and attachments of every kind. Such an +opinion made his company sought after, and procured him a good reception +in the first circles; by which means he separated from me, with whom he +was never inclined to associate when he could do it with anybody else. +I perceived him to be on the point of breaking with me entirely; for the +lively and ardent sentiments, of which he made a parade, were those which +with less noise and pretensions, I had really conceived for him. I was +glad he succeeded in the world; but I did not wish him to do this by +forgetting his friend. I one day said to him: "Grimm, you neglect me, +and I forgive you for it. When the first intoxication of your success is +over, and you begin to perceive a void in your enjoyments, I hope you +will return to your friend, whom you will always find in the same +sentiments; at present do not constrain yourself, I leave you at liberty +to act as you please, and wait your leisure." He said I was right, made +his arrangements in consequence, and shook off all restraint, so that I +saw no more of him except in company with our common friends. + +Our chief rendezvous, before he was connected with Madam d'Epinay as he +afterwards became, was at the house of Baron d'Holbach. This said baron +was the son of a man who had raised himself from obscurity. His fortune +was considerable, and he used it nobly, receiving at his house men of +letters and merit: and, by the knowledge he himself had acquired, was +very worthy of holding a place amongst them. Having been long attached +to Diderot, he endeavored to become acquainted with me by his means, even +before my name was known to the world. A natural repugnancy prevented me +a long time from answering his advances. One day, when he asked me the +reason of my unwillingness, I told him he was too rich. He was, however, +resolved to carry his point, and at length succeeded. My greatest +misfortune proceeded from my being unable to resist the force of marked +attention. I have ever had reason to repent of having yielded to it. + +Another acquaintance which, as soon as I had any pretensions to it, was +converted into friendship, was that of M. Duclos. I had several years +before seen him, for the first time, at the Chevrette, at the house of +Madam d'Epinay, with whom he was upon very good terms. On that day we +only dined together, and he returned to town in the afternoon. But we +had a conversation of a few moments after dinner. Madam d'Epinay had +mentioned me to him, and my opera of the 'Muses Gallantes'. Duclos, +endowed with too great talents not to be a friend to those in whom the +like were found, was prepossessed in my favor, and invited me to go and +see him. Notwithstanding my former wish, increased by an acquaintance, I +was withheld by my timidity and indolence, as long as I had no other +passport to him than his complaisance. But encouraged by my first +success, and by his eulogiums, which reached my ears, I went to see him; +he returned my visit, and thus began the connection between us, which +will ever render him dear to me. By him, as well as from the testimony +of my own heart, I learned that uprightness and probity may sometimes be +connected with the cultivation of letters. + +Many other connections less solid, and which I shall not here +particularize, were the effects of my first success, and lasted until +curiosity was satisfied. I was a man so easily known, that on the next +day nothing new was to be discovered in me. However, a woman, who at +that time was desirous of my acquaintance, became much more solidly +attached to me than any of those whose curiosity I had excited: this was +the Marchioness of Crequi, niece to M. le Bailli de Froulay, ambassador +from Malta, whose brother had preceded M. de Montaigu in the embassy to +Venice, and whom I had gone to see on my return from that city. Madam de +Crequi wrote to me: I visited her: she received me into her friendship. +I sometimes dined with her. I met at her table several men of letters, +amongst others M. Saurin, the author of Spartacus, Barnevelt, etc., since +become my implacable enemy; for no other reason, at least that I can +imagine, than my bearing the name of a man whom his father has cruelly +persecuted. + +It will appear that for a copyist, who ought to be employed in his +business from morning till night, I had many interruptions, which +rendered my days not very lucrative, and prevented me from being +sufficiently attentive to what I did to do it well; for which reason, +half the time I had to myself was lost in erasing errors or beginning my +sheet anew. This daily importunity rendered Paris more unsupportable, +and made me ardently wish to be in the country. I several times went to +pass a few days at Mercoussis, the vicar of which was known to Madam le +Vasseur, and with whom we all arranged ourselves in such a manner as not +to make things disagreeable to him. Grimm once went thither with us. + + [Since I have neglected to relate here a trifling, but memorable + adventure I had with the said Grimm one day, on which we were to + dine at the fountain of St. Vandrille, I will let it pass: but when + I thought of it afterwards, I concluded that he was brooding in his + heart the conspiracy he has, with so much success, since carried + into execution.] + +The vicar had a tolerable voice, sung well, and, although he did not read +music, learned his part with great facility and precision. We passed our +time in singing the trios I had composed at Chenonceaux. To these I +added two or three new ones, to the words Grimm and the vicar wrote, well +or ill. I cannot refrain from regretting these trios composed and sung +in moments of pure joy, and which I left at Wootton, with all my music. +Mademoiselle Davenport has perhaps curled her hair with them; but they +are worthy of being preserved, and are, for the most part, of very good +counterpoint. It was after one of these little excursions in which I had +the pleasure of seeing the aunt at her ease and very cheerful, and in +which my spirits were much enlivened, that I wrote to the vicar very +rapidly and very ill, an epistle in verse which will be found amongst my +papers. + +I had nearer to Paris another station much to my liking with M. Mussard, +my countryman, relation and friend, who at Passy had made himself a +charming retreat, where I have passed some very peaceful moments. +M. Mussard was a jeweller, a man of good sense, who, after having +acquired a genteel fortune, had given his only daughter in marriage to +M. de Valmalette, the son of an exchange broker, and maitre d'hotel to +the king, took the wise resolution to quit business in his declining +years, and to place an interval of repose and enjoyment between the hurry +and the end of life. The good man Mussard, a real philosopher in +practice, lived without care, in a very pleasant house which he himself +had built in a very pretty garden, laid out with his own hands. In +digging the terraces of this garden he found fossil shells, and in such +great quantities that his lively imagination saw nothing but shells in +nature. He really thought the universe was composed of shells and the +remains of shells, and that the whole earth was only the sand of these in +different stratae. His attention thus constantly engaged with his +singular discoveries, his imagination became so heated with the ideas +they gave him, that, in his head, they would soon have been converted +into a system, that is into folly, if, happily for his reason, but +unfortunately for his friends, to whom he was dear, and to whom his house +was an agreeable asylum, a most cruel and extraordinary disease had not +put an end to his existence. A constantly increasing tumor in his +stomach prevented him from eating, long before the cause of it was +discovered, and, after several years of suffering, absolutely occasioned +him to die of hunger. I can never, without the greatest affliction of +mind, call to my recollection the last moments of this worthy man, who +still received with so much pleasure, Leneips and myself, the only +friends whom the sight of his sufferings did not separate from him until +his last hour, when he was reduced to devouring with his eyes the repasts +he had placed before us, scarcely having the power of swallowing a few +drops of weak tea, which came up again a moment afterwards. But before +these days of sorrow, how many have I passed at his house, with the +chosen friends he had made himself! At the head of the list I place the +Abbe Prevot, a very amiable man, and very sincere, whose heart vivified +his writings, worthy of immortality, and who, neither in his disposition +nor in society, had the least of the melancholy coloring he gave to his +works. Procope, the physician, a little Esop, a favorite with the +ladies; Boulanger, the celebrated posthumous author of 'Despotisme +Oriental', and who, I am of opinion extended the systems of Mussard on +the duration of the world. The female part of his friends consisted of +Madam Denis, niece to Voltaire, who, at that time, was nothing more than +a good kind of woman, and pretended not to wit: Madam Vanloo, certainly +not handsome, but charming, and who sang like an angel: Madam de +Valmalette, herself, who sang also, and who, although very thin, would +have been very amiable had she had fewer pretensions. Such, or very +nearly such, was the society of M. Mussard, with which I should had been +much pleased, had not his conchyliomania more engaged my attention; and I +can say, with great truth, that, for upwards of six months, I worked with +him in his cabinet with as much pleasure as he felt himself. + +He had long insisted upon the virtue of the waters of Passy, that they +were proper in my case, and recommended me to come to his house to drink +them. To withdraw myself from the tumult of the city, I at length +consented, and went to pass eight or ten days at Passy, which, on account +of my being in the country, were of more service to me than the waters I +drank during my stay there. Mussard played the violincello, and was +passionately found of Italian music. This was the subject of a long +conversation we had one evening after supper, particularly the 'opera- +buffe' we had both seen in Italy, and with which we were highly +delighted. My sleep having forsaken me in the night, I considered in +what manner it would be possible to give in France an idea of this kind +of drama. The 'Amours de Ragonde' did not in the least resemble it. +In the morning, whilst I took my walk and drank the waters, I hastily +threw together a few couplets to which I adapted such airs as occurred to +me at the moments. I scribbled over what I had composed, in a kind of +vaulted saloon at the end of the garden, and at tea. I could not refrain +from showing the airs to Mussard and to Mademoiselle du Vernois, his +'gouvernante', who was a very good and amiable girl. Three pieces of +composition I had sketched out were the first monologue: 'J'ai perdu mon +serviteur;'--the air of the Devin; 'L'amour croit s'il s'inquiete;' and +the last duo: 'A jamais, Colin, je t'engage, etc.' I was so far from +thinking it worth while to continue what I had begun, that, had it not +been for the applause and encouragement I received from both Mussard and +Mademoiselle, I should have throw n my papers into the fire and thought +no more of their contents, as I had frequently done by things of much the +same merit; but I was so animated by the encomiums I received, that in +six days, my drama, excepting a few couplets, was written. The music +also was so far sketched out, that all I had further to do to it after my +return from Paris, was to compose a little of the recitative, and to add +the middle parts, the whole of which I finished with so much rapidity, +that in three weeks my work was ready for representation. The only thing +now wanting, was the divertissement, which was not composed until a long +time afterwards. + +My imagination was so warmed by the composition of this work that I had +the strongest desire to hear it performed, and would have given anything +to have seen and heard the whole in the manner I should have chosen, +which would have been that of Lully, who is said to have had 'Armide' +performed for himself only. As it was not possible I should hear the +performance unaccompanied by the public, I could not see the effect of my +piece without getting it received at the opera. Unfortunately it was +quite a new species of composition, to which the ears of the public were +not accustomed; and besides the ill success of the 'Muses Gallantes' gave +too much reason to fear for the Devin, if I presented it in my own name. +Duclos relieved me from this difficulty, and engaged to get the piece +rehearsed without mentioning the author. That I might not discover +myself, I did not go to the rehearsal, and the 'Petits violons', + + [Rebel and Frauneur, who, when they were very young, went together + from house to house playing on the violin, were so called.] + +by whom it was directed, knew not who the author was until after a +general plaudit had borne the testimony of the work. Everybody present +was so delighted with it, that, on the next day, nothing else was spoken +of in the different companies. M. de Cury, Intendant des Menus, who was +present at the rehearsal, demanded the piece to have it performed at +court. Duclos, who knew my intentions, and thought I should be less +master of my work at the court than at Paris, refused to give it. Cury +claimed it authoratively. Duclos persisted in his refusal, and the +dispute between them was carried to such a length, that one day they +would have gone out from the opera-house together had they not been +separated. M. de Cury applied to me, and I referred him to Duclos. This +made it necessary to return to the latter. The Duke d'Aumont interfered; +and at length Duclos thought proper to yield to authority, and the piece +was given to be played at Fontainebleau. + +The part to which I had been most attentive, and in which I had kept at +the greatest distance from the common track, was the recitative. Mine +was accented in a manner entirely new, and accompanied the utterance of +the word. The directors dared not suffer this horrid innovation to pass, +lest it should shock the ears of persons who never judge for themselves. +Another recitative was proposed by Francueil and Jelyotte, to which I +consented; but refused at the same time to have anything to do with it +myself. + +When everything was ready and the day of performance fixed, a proposition +was made me to go to Fontainebleau, that I might at least be at the last +rehearsal. I went with Mademoiselle Fel, Grimm, and I think the Abbe +Raynal, in one of the stages to the court. The rehearsal was tolerable: +I was more satisfied with it than I expected to have been. The orchestra +was numerous, composed of the orchestras of the opera and the king's +band. Jelyotte played Colin, Mademoiselle Fel, Colette, Cuvillier the +Devin: the choruses were those of the opera. I said but little; Jelyotte +had prepared everything; I was unwilling either to approve of or censure +what he had done; and notwithstanding I had assumed the air of an old +Roman, I was, in the midst of so many people, as bashful as a schoolboy. + +The next morning, the day of performance, I went to breakfast at the +coffee-house 'du grand commun', where I found a great number of people. +The rehearsal of the preceding evening, and the difficulty of getting +into the theatre, were the subjects of conversation. An officer present +said he entered with the greatest ease, gave a long account of what had +passed, described the author, and related what he had said and done; but +what astonished me most in this long narrative, given with as much +assurance as simplicity, was that it did not contain a syllable of truth. +It was clear to me that he who spoke so positively of the rehearsal had +not been at it, because, without knowing him, he had before his eyes that +author whom he said he had seen and examined so minutely. However, what +was more singular still in this scene, was its effect upon me. The +officer was a man rather in years, he had nothing of the appearance of a +coxcomb; his features appeared to announce a man of merit; and his cross +of Saint Louis, an officer of long standing. He interested me: +notwithstanding his impudence. Whilst he uttered his lies, I blushed, +looked down, and was upon thorns; I, for some time, endeavored within +myself to find the means of believing him to be in an involuntary error. +At length, trembling lest some person should know me, and by this means +confound him, I hastily drank my chocolate, without saying a word, and, +holding down my head, I passed before him, got out of the coffee-house as +soon as possible, whilst the company were making their remarks upon the +relation that had been given. I was no sooner in the street than I was +in a perspiration, and had anybody known and named me before I left the +room, I am certain all the shame and embarrassment of a guilty person +would have appeared in my countenance, proceeding from what I felt the +poor man would have had to have suffered had his lie been discovered. + +I come to one of the critical moments of my life, in which it is +difficult to do anything more than to relate, because it is almost +impossible that even narrative should not carry with it the marks of +censure or apology. I will, however, endeavor to relate how and upon +what motives I acted, with out adding either approbation or censure. + +I was on that day in the same careless undress as usual, with a long +beard and wig badly combed. Considering this want of decency as an act +of courage, I entered the theatre wherein the king, queen, the royal +family, and the whole court were to enter immediately after. I was +conducted to a box by M. de Cury, and which belonged to him. It was very +spacious, upon the stage and opposite to a lesser, but more elevated one, +in which the king sat with Madam de Pompadour. + +As I was surrounded by women, and the only man in front of the box, I had +no doubt of my having been placed there purposely to be exposed to view. +As soon as the theatre was lighted up, finding I was in the midst of +people all extremely well dressed, I began to be less at my ease, and +asked myself if I was in my place? whether or not I was properly +dressed? After a few minutes of inquietude: "Yes," replied I, with an +intrepidity which perhaps proceeded more from the impossibility of +retracting than the force of all my reasoning, "I am in my place, because +I am going to see my own piece performed, to which I have been invited, +for which reason only I am come here; and after all, no person has a +greater right than I have to reap the fruit of my labor and talents; I am +dressed as usual, neither better nor worse; and if I once begin to +subject myself to public opinion, I shall shortly become a slave to it in +everything. To be always consistent with myself, I ought not to blush, +in any place whatever, at being dressed in a manner suitable to the state +I have chosen. My exterior appearance is simple, but neither dirty nor +slovenly; nor is a beard either of these in itself, because it is given +us by nature, and according to time, place and custom, is sometimes an +ornament. People think I am ridiculous, nay, even absurd; but what +signifies this to me? I ought to know how to bear censure and ridicule, +provided I do not deserve them. "After this little soliloquy I became so +firm that, had it been necessary, I could have been intrepid. But +whether it was the effect of the presence of his majesty, or the natural +disposition of those about me, I perceived nothing but what was civil and +obliging in the curiosity of which I was the object. This so much +affected me that I began to be uneasy for myself, and the fate of my +piece; fearing I should efface the favorable prejudices which seemed to +lead to nothing but applause. I was armed against raillery; but, so far +overcome, by the flattering and obliging treatment I had not expected, +that I trembled like a child when the performance was begun. + +I had soon sufficient reason to be encouraged. The piece was very ill +played with respect to the actors, but the musical part was well sung and +executed. During the first scene, which was really of a delightful +simplicity, I heard in the boxes a murmur of surprise and applause, +which, relative to pieces of the same kind, had never yet happened. The +fermentation was soon increased to such a degree as to be perceptible +through the whole audience, and of which, to speak--after the manner of +Montesquieu--the effect was augmented by itself. In the scene between +the two good little folks, this effect was complete. There is no +clapping of hands before the king; therefore everything was heard, which +was advantageous to the author and the piece. I heard about me a +whispering of women, who appeared as beautiful as angels. They said to +each other in a low voice: "This is charming: That is ravishing: There is +not a sound which does not go to the heart." The pleasure of giving this +emotion to so many amiable persons moved me to tears; and these I could +not contain in the first duo, when I remarked that I was not the only +person who wept. I collected myself for a moment, on recollecting the +concert of M. de Treitorens. This reminiscence had the effect of the +slave who held the crown over the head of the general who triumphed, but +my reflection was short, and I soon abandoned myself without interruption +to the pleasure of enjoying my success. However, I am certain the +voluptuousness of the sex was more predominant than the vanity of the +author, and had none but men been present, I certainly should not have +had the incessant desire I felt of catching on my lips the delicious +tears I had caused to flow. I have known pieces excite more lively +admiration, but I never saw so complete, delightful, and affecting an +intoxication of the senses reign, during a whole representation, +especially at court, and at a first performance. They who saw this must +recollect it, for it has never yet been equalled. + +The same evening the Duke d' Aumont sent to desire me to be at the palace +the next day at eleven o'clock, when he would present me to the king. +M. de Cury, who delivered me the message, added that he thought a pension +was intended, and that his majesty wished to announce it to me himself. +Will it be believed that the night of so brilliant a day was for me +a night of anguish and perplexity? My first idea, after that of being +presented, was that of my frequently wanting to retire; this had made me +suffer very considerably at the theatre, and might torment me the next +day when I should be in the gallery, or in the king's apartment, amongst +all the great, waiting for the passing of his majesty. My infirmity was +the principal cause which prevented me from mixing in polite companies, +and enjoying the conversation of the fair. The idea alone of the +situation in which this want might place me, was sufficient to produce it +to such a degree as to make me faint away, or to recur to means to which, +in my opinion, death was much preferable. None but persons who are +acquainted with this situation can judge of the horror which being +exposed to the risk of it inspires. + +I then supposed myself before the king, presented to his majesty, who +deigned to stop and speak to me. In this situation, justness of +expression and presence of mind were peculiarly necessary in answering. +Would my timidity which disconcerts me in presence of any stranger +whatever, have been shaken off in presence of the King of France; or +would it have suffered me instantly to make choice of proper expressions? +I wished, without laying aside the austere manner I had adopted, to show +myself sensible of the honor done me by so great a monarch, and in a +handsome and merited eulogium to convey some great and useful truth. +I could not prepare a suitable answer without exactly knowing what his +majesty was to say to me; and had this been the case, I was certain that, +in his presence, I should not recollect a word of what I had previously +meditated. "What," said I, "will become of me in this moment, and before +the whole court, if, in my confusion, any of my stupid expressions should +escape me?" This danger alarmed and terrified me. I trembled to such a +degree that at all events I was determined not to expose myself to it. + +I lost, it is true, the pension which in some measure was offered me; but +I at the same time exempted myself from the yoke it would have imposed. +Adieu, truth, liberty, and courage! How should I afterwards have dared +to speak of disinterestedness and independence? Had I received the +pension I must either have become a flatterer or remained silent; and, +moreover, who would have insured to me the payment of it! What steps +should I have been under the necessity of taking! How many people must I +have solicited! I should have had more trouble and anxious cares in +preserving than in doing without it. Therefore, I thought I acted +according to my principles by refusing, and sacrificing appearances to +reality. I communicated my resolution to Grimm, who said nothing against +it. To others I alleged my ill state of health, and left the court in +the morning. + +My departure made some noise, and was generally condemned. My reasons +could not be known to everybody, it was therefore easy to accuse me of +foolish pride, and thus not irritate the jealousy of such as felt they +would not have acted as I had done. The next day Jelyotte wrote me a +note, in which he stated the success of my piece, and the pleasure it had +afforded the king. "All day long," said he, "his majesty sings, with the +worst voice in his kingdom: 'J'ai perdu mon serviteur: J'ai perdu tout +mon bonheur.'" He likewise added, that in a fortnight the Devin was to +be performed a second time; which confirmed in the eyes of the public the +complete success of the first. + +Two days afterwards, about nine o'clock in the evening, as I was going to +sup with Madam D'Epinay, I perceived a hackney-coach pass by the door. +Somebody within made a sign to me to approach. I did so, and got into +it, and found the person to be Diderot. He spoke of the pension with +more warmth than, upon such a subject, I should have expected from a +philosopher. He did not blame me for having been unwilling to be +presented to the king, but severely reproached me with my indifference +about the pension. He observed that although on my own account I might +be disinterested, I ought not to be so on that of Madam Vasseur and her +daughter; that it was my duty to seize every means of providing for their +subsistence; and that as, after all, it could not be said I had refused +the pension, he maintained I ought, since the king seemed disposed to +grant it to me, to solicit and obtain it by one means or another. +Although I was obliged to him for his good wishes, I could not relish his +maxims, which produced a warm dispute, the first I ever had with him. +All our disputes were of this kind, he prescribing to me what he +pretended I ought to do, and I defending myself because I was of a +different opinion. + +It was late when we parted. I would have taken him to supper at Madam d' +Epinay's, but he refused to go; and, notwithstanding all the efforts +which at different times the desire of uniting those I love induced me to +make, to prevail upon him to see her, even that of conducting her to his +door which he kept shut against us, he constantly refused to do it, and +never spoke of her but with the utmost contempt. It was not until after +I had quarrelled with both that they became acquainted and that he began +to speak honorably of her. + +From this time Diderot and Grimm seemed to have undertaken to alienate +from me the governesses, by giving them to understand that if they were +not in easy circumstances the fault was my own, and that they never would +be so with me. They endeavored to prevail on them to leave me, promising +them the privilege for retailing salt, a snuff shop, and I know not what +other advantages by means of the influence of Madam d' Epinay. They +likewise wished to gain over Duclos and d'Holback, but the former +constantly refused their proposals. I had at the time some intimation of +what was going forward, but I was not fully acquainted with the whole +until long afterwards; and I frequently had reason to lament the effects +of the blind and indiscreet zeal of my friends, who, in my ill state of +health, striving to reduce me to the most melancholy solitude, +endeavored, as they imagined, to render me happy by the means which, of +all others, were the most proper to make me miserable. + +In the carnival following the conclusion of the year 1753, the Devin was +performed at Paris, and in this interval I had sufficient time to compose +the overture and divertissement. This divertissement, such as it stands +engraved, was to be in action from the beginning to the end, and in a +continued subject, which in my opinion, afforded very agreeable +representations. But when I proposed this idea at the opera-house, +nobody would so much as hearken to me, and I was obliged to tack together +music and dances in the usual manner: on this account the divertissement, +although full of charming ideas which do not diminish the beauty of +scenes, succeeded but very middlingly. I suppressed the recitative of +Jelyotte, and substituted my own, such as I had first composed it, and as +it is now engraved; and this recitative a little after the French manner, +I confess, drawled out, instead of pronounced by the actors, far from +shocking the ears of any person, equally succeeded with the airs, and +seemed in the judgment of the public to possess as much musical merit. +I dedicated my piece to Duclos, who had given it his protection, and +declared it should be my only dedication. I have, however, with his +consent, written a second; but he must have thought himself more honored +by the exception, than if I had not written a dedication to any person. + +I could relate many anecdotes concerning this piece, but things of +greater importance prevent me from entering into a detail of them at +present. I shall perhaps resume the subject in a supplement. There is +however one which I cannot omit, as it relates to the greater part of +what is to follow. I one day examined the music of D'Holbach, in his +closet. After having looked over many different kinds, he said, showing +me a collection of pieces for the harpsichord: "These were composed for +me; they are full of taste and harmony, and unknown to everybody but +myself. You ought to make a selection from them for your +divertissement." Having in my head more subjects of airs and symphonies +than I could make use of, I was not the least anxious to have any of his. +However, he pressed me so much, that, from a motive of complaisance, I +chose a Pastoral, which I abridged and converted into a trio, for the +entry of the companions of Colette. Some months afterwards, and whilst +the Devin still continued to be performed, going into Grimms I found +several people about his harpsichord, whence he hastily rose on my +arrival. As I accidently looked toward his music stand, I there saw the +same collection of the Baron d'Holback, opened precisely at the piece he +had prevailed upon me to take, assuring me at the same time that it +should never go out of his hands. Some time afterwards, I again saw the +collection open on the harpischord of M. d'Papinay, one day when he gave +a little concert. Neither Grimm, nor anybody else, ever spoke to me of +the air, and my reason for mentioning it here is that some time +afterwards, a rumor was spread that I was not the author of Devin. +As I never made a great progress in the practical part, I am persuaded +that had it not been for my dictionary of music, it would in the end have +been said I did not understand composition. + +Sometime before the 'Devin du Village' was performed, a company of +Italian Bouffons had arrived at Paris, and were ordered to perform at the +opera-house, without the effect they would produce there being foreseen. +Although they were detestable, and the orchestra, at that time very +ignorant, mutilated at will the pieces they gave, they did the French +opera an injury that will never be repaired. The comparison of these two +kinds of music, heard the same evening in the same theatre, opened the +ears of the French; nobody could endure their languid music after the +marked and lively accents of Italian composition; and the moment the +Bouffons had done, everybody went away. The managers were obliged to +change the order of representation, and let the performance of the +Bouffons be the last. 'Egle Pigmalion' and 'le Sylphe' were successively +given: nothing could bear the comparison. The 'Devin du Village' was the +only piece that did it, and this was still relished after 'la Serva +Padroma'. When I composed my interlude, my head was filled with these +pieces, and they gave me the first idea of it: I was, however, far from +imagining they would one day be passed in review by the side of my +composition. Had I been a plagiarist, how many pilferings would have +been manifest, and what care would have been taken to point them out to +the public! But I had done nothing of the kind. All attempts to +discover any such thing were fruitless: nothing was found in my music +which led to the recollection of that of any other person; and my whole +composition compared with the pretended original, was found to be as new +as the musical characters I had invented. Had Mondonville or Rameau +undergone the same ordeal, they would have lost much of their substance. + +The Bouffons acquired for Italian music very warm partisans. All Paris +was divided into two parties, the violence of which was greater than if +an affair of state or religion had been in question. One of them, the +most powerful and numerous, composed of the great, of men of fortune, and +the ladies, supported French music; the other, more lively and haughty, +and fuller of enthusiasm, was composed of real connoisseurs, and men of +talents, and genius. This little group assembled at the opera-house, +under the box belonging to the queen. The other party filled up the rest +of the pit and the theatre; but the heads were mostly assembled under the +box of his majesty. Hence the party names of Coin du Roi, Coin de la +Reine,--[King's corner,--Queen's corner.]-- then in great celebrity. +The dispute, as it became more animated, produced several pamphlets. +The king's corner aimed at pleasantry; it was laughed at by the 'Petit +Prophete'. It attempted to reason; the 'Lettre sur la Musique Francoise' +refuted its reasoning. These two little productions, the former of which +was by Grimm, the latter by myself, are the only ones which have outlived +the quarrel; all the rest are long since forgotten. + +But the Petit Prophete, which, notwithstanding all I could say, was for a +long time attributed to me, was considered as a pleasantry, and did not +produce the least inconvenience to the author: whereas the letter on +music was taken seriously, and incensed against me the whole nation, +which thought itself offended by this attack on its music. The +description of the incredible effect of this pamphlet would be worthy of +the pen of Tacitus. The great quarrel between the parliament and the +clergy was then at its height. The parliament had just been exiled; the +fermentation was general; everything announced an approaching +insurrection. The pamphlet appeared: from that moment every other +quarrel was forgotten; the perilous state of French music was the only +thing by which the attention of the public was engaged, and the only +insurrection was against myself. This was so general that it has never +since been totally calmed. At court, the bastile or banishment was +absolutely determined on, and a 'lettre de cachet' would have been issued +had not M. de Voyer set forth in the most forcible manner that such a +step would be ridiculous. Were I to say this pamphlet probably prevented +a revolution, the reader would imagine I was in a dream. It is, however, +a fact, the truth of which all Paris can attest, it being no more than +fifteen years since the date of this singular fact. Although no attempts +were made on my liberty, I suffered numerous insults; and even my life +was in danger. The musicians of the opera orchestra humanely resolved to +murder me as I went out of the theatre. Of this I received information; +but the only effect it produced on me was to make me more assiduously +attend the opera; and I did not learn, until a considerable time +afterwards, that M. Ancelot, officer in the mousquetaires, and who had a +friendship for me, had prevented the effect of this conspiracy by giving +me an escort, which, unknown to myself, accompanied me until I was out of +danger. The direction of the opera-house had just been given to the +hotel de ville. The first exploit performed by the Prevot des Marchands, +was to take from me my freedom of the theatre, and this in the most +uncivil manner possible. Admission was publicly refused me on my +presenting myself, so that I was obliged to take a ticket that I might +not that evening have the mortification to return as I had come. This +injustice was the more shameful, as the only price I had set on my piece +when I gave it to the managers was a perpetual freedom of the house; for +although this was a right, common to every author, and which I enjoyed +under a double title, I expressly stipulated for it in presence of M. +Duclos. It is true, the treasurer brought me fifty louis, for which I +had not asked; but, besides the smallness of the sum, compared with that +which, according to the rule, established in such cases, was due to me, +this payment had nothing in common with the right of entry formerly +granted, and which was entirely independent of it. There was in this +behavior such a complication of iniquity and brutality, that the public, +notwithstanding its animosity against me, which was then at its highest, +was universally shocked at it, and many persons who insulted me the +preceding evening, the next day exclaimed in the open theatre, that it +was shameful thus to deprive an author of his right of entry; and +particularly one who had so well deserved it, and was entitled to claim +it for himself and another person. So true is the Italian proverb: +Ogn' un ama la giustizia in cosa d altrui.--[Every one loves justice in +the affairs of another.] + +In this situation the only thing I had to do was to demand my work, +since the price I had agreed to receive for it was refused me. For this +purpose I wrote to M. d'Argenson, who had the department of the opera. +I likewise enclosed to him a memoir which was unanswerable; but this, as +well as my letter, was ineffectual, and I received no answer to either. +The silence of that unjust man hurt me extremely, and did not contribute +to increase the very moderate good opinion I always had of his character +and abilities. It was in this manner the managers kept my piece while +they deprived me of that for which I had given it them. From the weak to +the strong, such an act would be a theft: from the strong to the weak, +it is nothing more than an appropriation of property, without a right. + +With respect to the pecuniary advantages of the work, although it did not +produce me a fourth part of the sum it would have done to any other. +person, they were considerable enough to enable me to subsist several +years, and to make amends for the ill success of copying, which went on +but very slowly. I received a hundred louis from the king; fifty from +Madam de Pompadour, for the performance at Bellevue, where she herself +played the part of Colin; fifty from the opera; and five hundred livres +from Pissot, for the engraving; so that this interlude, which cost me no +more than five or six weeks' application, produced, notwithstanding the +ill treatment I received from the managers and my stupidity at court, +almost as much money as my 'Emilius', which had cost me twenty years' +meditation, and three years' labor. But I paid dearly for the pecuniary +ease I received from the piece, by the infinite vexations it brought upon +me. It was the germ of the secret jealousies which did not appear until +a long time afterwards. After its success I did not remark, either in +Grimm, Diderot, or any of the men of letters, with whom I was acquainted, +the same cordiality and frankness, nor that pleasure in seeing me, I had +previously experienced. The moment I appeared at the baron's, the +conversation was no longer general; the company divided into small +parties; whispered into each other's ears; and I remained alone, without +knowing to whom to address myself. I endured for a long time this +mortifying neglect; and, perceiving that Madam d'Holbach, who was mild +and amiable, still received me well, I bore with the vulgarity of her +husband as long as it was possible. But he one day attacked me without +reason or pretence, and with such brutality, in presence of Diderot, who +said not a word, and Margency, who since that time has often told me how +much he admired the moderation and mildness of my answers, that, at +length driven from his house, by this unworthy treatment, I took leave +with a resolution never to enter it again. This did not, however, +prevent me from speaking honorably of him and his house, whilst he +continually expressed himself relative to me in the most insulting terms, +calling me that 'petit cuistre': the little college pedant, or servitor +in a college, without, however, being able to charge me with having done +either to himself or any person to whom he was attached the most trifling +injury. In this manner he verified my fears and predictions, I am of +opinion my pretended friends would have pardoned me for having written +books, and even excellent ones, because this merit was not foreign to +themselves; but that they could not forgive my writing an opera, nor the +brilliant success it had; because there was not one amongst them capable +of the same, nor in a situation to aspire to like honors. Duclos, the +only person superior to jealousy, seemed to become more attached to me: +he introduced me to Mademoiselle Quinault, in whose house I received +polite attention, and civility to as great an extreme, as I had found a +want of it in that of M. d'Holbach. + +Whilst the performance of the 'Devin du Village' was continued at the +opera-house, the author of it had an advantageous negotiation with the +managers of the French comedy. Not having, during seven or eight years, +been able to get my 'Narcissis' performed at the Italian theatre, I had, +by the bad performance in French of the actors, become disgusted with it, +and should rather have had my piece received at the French theatre than +by them. I mentioned this to La None, the comedian, with whom I had +become acquainted, and who, as everybody knows, was a man of merit and an +author. He was pleased with the piece, and promised to get it performed +without suffering the name of the author to be known; and in the meantime +procured me the freedom of the theatre, which was extremely agreeable to +me, for I always preferred it to the two others. The piece was favorably +received, and without the author's name being mentioned; but I have +reason to believe it was known to the actors and actresses, and many +other persons. Mademoiselles Gauffin and Grandval played the amorous +parts; and although the whole performance was, in my opinion, +injudicious, the piece could not be said to be absolutely ill played. +The indulgence of the public, for which I felt gratitude, surprised me; +the audience had the patience to listen to it from the beginning to the +end, and to permit a second representation without showing the least sign +of disapprobation. For my part, I was so wearied with the first, that I +could not hold out to the end; and the moment I left the theatre, I went +into the Cafe de Procope, where I found Boissi, and others of my +acquaintance, who had probably been as much fatigued as myself. I there +humbly or haughtily avowed myself the author of the piece, judging it as +everybody else had done. This public avowal of an author of a piece +which had not succeeded, was much admired, and was by no means painful to +myself. My self-love was flattered by the courage with which I made it: +and I am of opinion, that, on this occasion, there was more pride in +speaking, than there would have been foolish shame in being silent. +However, as it was certain the piece, although insipid in the performance +would bear to be read, I had it printed: and in the preface, which is one +of the best things I ever wrote, I began to make my principles more +public than I had before done. + +I soon had an opportunity to explain them entirely in a work of the +greatest importance: for it was, I think, this year, 1753, that the +programma of the Academy of Dijon upon the 'Origin of the Inequality of +Mankind' made its appearance. Struck with this great question, I was +surprised the academy had dared to propose it: but since it had shown +sufficient courage to do it, I thought I might venture to treat it, and +immediately undertook the discussion. + +That I might consider this grand subject more at my ease, I went to St. +Germain for seven or eight days with Theresa, our hostess, who was a good +kind of woman, and one of her friends. I consider this walk as one of +the most agreeable ones I ever took. The weather was very fine. These +good women took upon themselves all the care and expense. Theresa amused +herself with them; and I, free from all domestic concerns, diverted +myself, without restraint, at the hours of dinner and supper. All the +rest of the day wandering in the forest, I sought for and found there the +image of the primitive ages of which I boldly traced the history. I +confounded the pitiful lies of men; I dared to unveil their nature; to +follow the progress of time, and the things by which it has been +disfigured; and comparing the man of art with the natural man, to show +them, in their pretended improvement, the real source of all their +misery. My mind, elevated by these contemplations, ascended to the +Divinity, and thence, seeing my fellow creatures follow in the blind +track of their prejudices that of their errors and misfortunes, I cried +out to them, in a feeble voice, which they could not hear: "Madmen! know +that all your evils proceed from yourselves!" + +From these meditations resulted the discourse on Inequality, a work more +to the taste of Diderot than any of my other writings, and in which his +advice was of the greatest service to me. + + [At the time I wrote this, I had not the least suspicion of the + grand conspiracy of Diderot and Grimm. otherwise I should easily. + have discovered how much the former abused my confidence, by giving + to my writings that severity and melancholy which were not to be + found in them from the moments he ceased to direct me. The passage + of the philosopher, who argues with himself, and stops his ears + against the complaints of a man in distress, is after his manner: + and he gave me others still more extraordinary; which I could never + resolve to make use of. But, attributing, this melancholy to that + he had acquired in the dungeon of Vincennes, and of which there is a + very sufficient dose in his Clairoal, I never once suspected the + least unfriendly dealing. ] + +It was, however, understood but by few readers, and not one of these +would ever speak of it. I had written it to become a competitor for the +premium, and sent it away fully persuaded it would not obtain it; well +convinced it was not for productions of this nature that academies were +founded. + +This excursion and this occupation enlivened my spirits and was of +service to my health. Several years before, tormented by my disorder, +I had entirely given myself up to the care of physicians, who, without +alleviating my sufferings, exhausted my strength and destroyed my +constitution. At my return from St. Germain, I found myself stronger and +perceived my health to be improved. I followed this indication, and +determined to cure myself or die without the aid of physicians and +medicine. I bade them forever adieu, and lived from day to day, keeping +close when I found myself indisposed, and going abroad the moment I had +sufficient strength to do it. The manner of living in Paris amidst +people of pretensions was so little to my liking; the cabals of men of +letters, their little candor in their writings, and the air of importance +they gave themselves in the world, were so odious to me; I found so +little mildness, openness of heart and frankness in the intercourse even +of my friends; that, disgusted with this life of tumult, I began ardently +to wish to reside in the country, and not perceiving that my occupation +permitted me to do it, I went to pass there all the time I had to spare. +For several months I went after dinner to walk alone in the Bois de +Boulogne, meditating on subjects for future works, and not returning +until evening. + +Gauffecourt, with whom I was at that time extremely intimate, being on +account of his employment obliged to go to Geneva, proposed to me the +journey, to which I consented. The state of my health was such as to +require the care of the governess; it was therefore decided she should +accompany us, and that her mother should remain in the house. After thus +having made our arrangements, we set off on the first of June, 1754. + +This was the period when at the age of forty-two, I for the first time in +my life felt a diminution of my natural confidence to which I had +abandoned myself without reserve or inconvenience. We had a private +carriage, in which with the same horses we travelled very slowly. +I frequently got out and walked. We had scarcely performed half our +journey when Theresa showed the greatest uneasiness at being left in the +carriage with Gauffecourt, and when, notwithstanding her remonstrances, +I would get out as usual, she insisted upon doing the same, and walking +with me. I chid her for this caprice, and so strongly opposed it, that +at length she found herself obliged to declare to me the cause whence it +proceeded. I thought I was in a dream; my astonishment was beyond +expression, when I learned that my friend M. de Gauffecourt, upwards of +sixty years of age, crippled by the gout, impotent and exhausted by +pleasures, had, since our departure, incessantly endeavored to corrupt a +person who belonged to his friend, and was no longer young nor handsome, +by the most base and shameful means, such as presenting to her a purse, +attempting to inflame her imagination by the reading of an abominable +book, and by the sight of infamous figures, with which it was filled. +Theresa, full of indignation, once threw his scandalous book out of the +carriage; and I learned that on the first evening of our journey, a +violent headache having obliged me to retire to bed before supper, he had +employed the whole time of this tete-a-tete in actions more worthy of a +satyr than a man of worth and honor, to whom I thought I had intrusted my +companion and myself. What astonishment and grief of heart for me! +I, who until then had believed friendship to be inseparable from every +amiable and noble sentiment which constitutes all its charm, for the +first time in my life found myself under the necessity of connecting it +with disdain, and of withdrawing my confidence from a man for whom I had +an affection, and by whom I imagined myself beloved! The wretch +concealed from me his turpitude; and that I might not expose Theresa, +I was obliged to conceal from him my contempt, and secretly to harbor in +my heart such sentiments as were foreign to its nature. Sweet and sacred +illusion of friendship! Gauffecourt first took the veil from before my +eyes. What cruel hands have since that time prevented it from again +being drawn over them! + +At Lyons I quitted Gauffecourt to take the road to Savoy, being unable to +be so near to mamma without seeing her. I saw her--Good God, in what a +situation! How contemptible! What remained to her of primitive virtue? +Was it the same Madam de Warrens, formerly so gay and lively, to whom the +vicar of Pontverre had given me recommendations? How my heart was +wounded! The only resource I saw for her was to quit the country. I +earnestly but vainly repeated the invitation I had several times given +her in my letters to come and live peacefully with me, assuring her I +would dedicate the rest of my life, and that of Theresa, to render her +happy. Attached to her pension, from which, although it was regularly +paid, she had not for a long time received the least advantage, my offers +were lost upon her. I again gave her a trifling part of the contents of +my purse, much less than I ought to have done, and considerably less than +I should have offered her had not I been certain of its not being of the +least service to herself. During my residence at Geneva, she made a +journey into Chablais, and came to see me at Grange-canal. She was in +want of money to continue her journey: what I had in my pocket was +insufficient to this purpose, but an hour afterwards I sent it her by +Theresa. Poor mamma! I must relate this proof of the goodness of her +heart. A little diamond ring was the last jewel she had left. She took +it from her finger, to put it upon that of Theresa, who instantly +replaced it upon that whence it had been taken, kissing the generous hand +which she bathed with her tears. Ah! this was the proper moment to +discharge my debt! I should have abandoned everything to follow her, +and share her fate: let it be what it would. I did nothing of the kind. +My attention was engaged by another attachment, and I perceived the +attachment I had to her was abated by the slender hopes there were of +rendering it useful to either of us. I sighed after her, my heart was +grieved at her situation, but I did not follow her. Of all the remorse I +felt this was the strongest and most lasting. I merited the terrible +chastisement with which I have since that time incessantly been +overwhelmed: may this have expiated my ingratitude! Of this I appear +guilty in my conduct, but my heart has been too much distressed by what I +did ever to have been that of an ungrateful man. + +Before my departure from Paris I had sketched out the dedication of my +discourse on the 'Inequality of Mankind'. I finished it at Chambery, and +dated it from that place, thinking that, to avoid all chicane, it was +better not to date it either from France or Geneva. The moment I arrived +in that city I abandoned myself to the republican enthusiasm which had +brought me to it. This was augmented by the reception I there met with. +Kindly treated by persons of every description, I entirely gave myself up +to a patriotic zeal, and mortified at being excluded from the rights of a +citizen by the possession of a religion different from that of my +forefathers, I resolved openly to return to the latter. I thought the +gospel being the same for every Christian, and the only difference in +religious opinions the result of the explanations given by men to that +which they did not understand, it was the exclusive right of the +sovereign power in every country to fix the mode of worship, and these +unintelligible opinions; and that consequently it was the duty of a +citizen to admit the one, and conform to the other in the manner +prescribed by the law. The conversation of the encyclopaedists, far from +staggering my faith, gave it new strength by my natural aversion to +disputes and party. The study of man and the universe had everywhere +shown me the final causes and the wisdom by which they were directed. +The reading of the Bible, and especially that of the New Testament, to +which I had for several years past applied myself, had given me a +sovereign contempt for the base and stupid interpretations given to the +words of Jesus Christ by persons the least worthy of understanding his +divine doctrine. In a word, philosophy, while it attached me to the +essential part of religion, had detached me from the trash of the little +formularies with which men had rendered it obscure. Judging that for a +reasonable man there were not two ways of being a Christian, I was also +of opinion that in each country everything relative to form and +discipline was within the jurisdiction of the laws. From this principle, +so social and pacific, and which has brought upon me such cruel +persecutions, it followed that, if I wished to be a citizen of Geneva, +I must become a Protestant, and conform to the mode of worship +established in my country. This I resolved upon; I moreover put myself +under the instructions of the pastor of the parish in which I lived, +and which was without the city. All I desired was not to appear at the +consistory. However, the ecclesiastical edict was expressly to that +effect; but it was agreed upon to dispense with it in my favor, and a +commission of five or six members was named to receive my profession of +faith. Unfortunately, the minister Perdriau, a mild and an amiable man, +took it into his head to tell me the members were rejoiced at the +thoughts of hearing me speak in the little assembly. This expectation +alarmed me to such a degree that having night and day during three weeks +studied a little discourse I had prepared, I was so confused when I ought +to have pronounced it that I could not utter a single word, and during +the conference I had the appearance of the most stupid schoolboy. The +persons deputed spoke for me, and I answered yes and no, like a +blockhead; I was afterwards admitted to the communion, and reinstated in +my rights as a citizen. I was enrolled as such in the lists of guards, +paid by none but citizens and burgesses, and I attended at a council- +general extraordinary to receive the oath from the syndic Mussard. I was +so impressed with the kindness shown me on this occasion by the council +and the consistory, and by the great civility and obliging behavior of +the magistrates, ministers and citizens, that, pressed by the worthy De +Luc, who was incessant in his persuasions, and still more so by my own +inclination, I did not think of going back to Paris for any other purpose +than to break up housekeeping, find a situation for M. and Madam le +Vassear, or provide for their subsistence, and then return with Theresa +to Geneva, there to settle for the rest of my days. + +After taking this resolution I suspended all serious affairs the better +to enjoy the company of my friends until the time of my departure. +Of all the amusements of which I partook, that with which I was most +pleased, was sailing round the lake in a boat, with De Luc, the father, +his daughter-in-law, his two sons, and my Theresa. We gave seven days to +this excursion in the finest weather possible. I preserved a lively +remembrance of the situation which struck me at the other extremity of +the lake, and of which I, some years afterwards, gave a description in my +New Eloisa. + +The principal connections I made at Geneva, besides the De Lucs, of which +I have spoken, were the young Vernes, with whom I had already been +acquainted at Paris, and of whom I then formed a better opinion than I +afterwards had of him. M. Perdriau, then a country pastor, now professor +of Belles Lettres, whose mild and agreeable society will ever make me +regret the loss of it, although he has since thought proper to detach +himself from me; M. Jalabert, at that time professor of natural +philosophy, since become counsellor and syndic, to whom I read my +discourse upon Inequality (but not the dedication), with which he seemed +to be delighted; the Professor Lullin, with whom I maintained a +correspondence until his death, and who gave me a commission to purchase +books for the library; the Professor Vernet, who, like most other people, +turned his back upon me after I had given him proofs of attachment and +confidence of which he ought to, have been sensible, if a theologian can +be affected by anything; Chappins, clerk and successor to Gauffecourt, +whom he wished to supplant, and who, soon afterwards, was him self +supplanted; Marcet de Mezieres, an old friend of my father's, and who had +also shown himself to be mine: after having well deserved of his country, +he became a dramatic author, and, pretending to be of the council of two +hundred, changed his principles, and, before he died, became ridiculous. +But he from whom I expected most was M. Moultout, a very promising young +man by his talents and his brilliant imagination, whom I have always +loved, although his conduct with respect to me was frequently equivocal, +and, not withstanding his being connected with my most cruel enemies, +whom I cannot but look upon as destined to become the defender of my +memory and the avenger of his friend. + +In the midst of these dissipations, I neither lost the taste for my +solitary excursions, nor the habit of them; I frequently made long ones +upon the banks of the lake, during which my mind, accustomed to +reflection, did not remain idle; I digested the plan already formed +of my political institutions, of which I shall shortly have to speak; +I meditated a history of the Valais; the plan of a tragedy in prose, +the subject of which, nothing less than Lucretia, did not deprive me of +the hope of succeeding, although I had dared again to exhibit that +unfortunate heroine, when she could no longer be suffered upon any French +stage. I at that time tried my abilities with Tacitus, and translated +the first books of his history, which will be found amongst my papers. + +After a residence of four months at Geneva, I returned in the month of +October to Paris; and avoided passing through Lyons that I might not +again have to travel with Gauffecourt. As the arrangement I had made did +not require my being at Geneva until the spring following, I returned, +during the winter, to my habits and occupations; the principal of the +latter was examining the proof sheets of my discourse on the Inequality +of Mankind, which I had procured to be printed in Holland, by the +bookseller Rey, with whom I had just become acquainted at Geneva. This +work was dedicated to the republic; but as the publication might be +unpleasing to the council, I wished to wait until it had taken its effect +at Geneva before I returned thither. This effect was not favorable to +me; and the dedication, which the most pure patriotism had dictated, +created me enemies in the council, and inspired even many of the +burgesses with jealousy. M. Chouet, at that time first syndic, wrote me +a polite but very cold letter, which will be found amongst my papers. I +received from private persons, amongst others from Du Luc and De +Jalabert, a few compliments, and these were all. I did not perceive that +a single Genevese was pleased with the hearty zeal found in the work. +This indifference shocked all those by whom it was remarked. I remember +that dining one day at Clichy, at Madam Dupin's, with Crommelin, resident +from the republic, and M. de Mairan, the latter openly declared the +council owed me a present and public honors for the work, and that it +would dishonor itself if it failed in either. Crommelin, who was a black +and mischievous little man, dared not reply in my presence, but he made a +frightful grimace, which however forced a smile from Madam Dupin. The +only advantage this work procured me, besides that resulting from the +satisfaction of my own heart, was the title of citizen given me by +my friends, afterwards by the public after their example, and which I +afterwards lost by having too well merited. + +This ill success would not, however, have prevented my retiring to +Geneva, had not more powerful motives tended to the same effect. +M. D'Epinay, wishing to add a wing which was wanting to the chateau of +the Chevrette, was at an immense expense in completing it. Going one day +with Madam D'Epinay to see the building, we continued our walk a quarter +of a league further to the reservoir of the waters of the park which +joined the forest of Montmorency, and where there was a handsome kitchen +garden, with a little lodge, much out of repair, called the Hermitage. +This solitary and very agreeable place had struck me when I saw it for +the first time before my journey to Geneva. I had exclaimed in my +transport: "Ah, madam, what a delightful habitation! This asylum was +purposely prepared for me." Madam D'Epinay did not pay much attention to +what I said; but at this second journey I was quite surprised to find, +instead of the old decayed building, a little house almost entirely new, +well laid out, and very habitable for a little family of three persons. +Madam D'Epinay had caused this to be done in silence, and at a very small +expense, by detaching a few materials and some of the work men from the +castle. She now said to me, on remarking my surprise: "My dear, here +behold your asylum; it is you who have chosen it; friendship offers it to +you. I hope this will remove from you the cruel idea of separating from +me." I do not think I was ever in my life more strongly or more +deliciously affected. I bathed with tears the beneficent hand of my +friend; and if I were not conquered from that very instant even, I was +extremely staggered. Madam D'Epinay, who would not be denied, became so +pressing, employed so many means, so many people to circumvent me, +proceeding even so far as to gain over Madam le Vasseur and her daughter, +that at length she triumphed over all my resolutions. Renouncing the idea +of residing in my own country, I resolved, I promised, to inhabit the +Hermitage; and, whilst the building was drying, Madam D'Epinay took care +to prepare furniture, so that everything was ready the following spring. + +One thing which greatly aided me in determining, was the residence +Voltaire had chosen near Geneva; I easily comprehended this man would +cause a revolution there, and that I should find in my country the +manners, which drove me from Paris; that I should be under the necessity +of incessantly struggling hard, and have no other alternative than that +of being an unsupportable pedant, a poltroon, or a bad citizen. +The letter Voltaire wrote me on my last work, induced me to insinuate +my fears in my answer; and the effect this produced confirmed them. +From that moment I considered Geneva as lost, and I was not deceived. +I perhaps ought to have met the storm, had I thought myself capable of +resisting it. But what could I have done alone, timid, and speaking +badly, against a man, arrogant, opulent, supported by the credit of the +great, eloquent, and already the idol of the women and young men? I was +afraid of uselessly exposing myself to danger to no purpose. I listened +to nothing but my peaceful disposition, to my love of repose, which, if +it then deceived me, still continues to deceive me on the same subject. +By retiring to Geneva, I should have avoided great misfortunes; but I +have my doubts whether, with all my ardent and patriotic zeal, I should +have been able to effect anything great and useful for my country. + +Tronchin, who about the same time went to reside at Geneva, came +afterwards to Paris and brought with him treasures. At his arrival he +came to see me, with the Chevalier Jaucourt. Madam D'Epinay had a strong +desire to consult him in private, but this it was not easy to do. +She addressed herself to me, and I engaged Tronchin to go and see her. +Thus under my auspices they began a connection, which was afterwards +increased at my expense. Such has ever been my destiny: the moment I had +united two friends who were separately mine, they never failed to combine +against me. Although, in the conspiracy then formed by the Tronchins, +they must all have borne me a mortal hatred. He still continued friendly +to me: he even wrote me a letter after his return to Geneva, to propose +to me the place of honorary librarian. But I had taken my resolution, +and the offer did not tempt me to depart from it. + +About this time I again visited M. d'Holbach. My visit was occasioned +by the death of his wife, which, as well as that of Madam Francueil, +happened whilst I was at Geneva. Diderot, when he communicated to me +these melancholy events, spoke of the deep affliction of the husband. +His grief affected my heart. I myself was grieved for the loss of that +excellent woman, and wrote to M. d'Holbach a letter of condolence. +I forgot all the wrongs he had done me, and at my return from Geneva, +and after he had made the tour of France with Grimm and other friends +to alleviate his affliction, I went to see him, and continued my visits +until my departure for the Hermitage. As soon as it was known in his +circle that Madam D'Epinay was preparing me a habitation there, +innumerable sarcasms, founded upon the want I must feel of the flattery +and amusement of the city, and the supposition of my not being able to +support the solitude for a fortnight, were uttered against me. Feeling +within myself how I stood affected, I left him and his friends to say +what they pleased, and pursued my intention. M. d'Holbach rendered me +some services-- + + [This is an instance of the treachery of my memory. A long time + after I had written what I have stated above, I learned, in + conversing with my wife, that it was not M. d'Holbach, but M. de + Chenonceaux, then one of the administrators of the Hotel Dieu, who + procured this place for her father. I had so totally forgotten the + circumstance, and the idea of M. d'Holbach's having done it was so + strong in my mind that I would have sworn it had been him.] + +in finding a place for the old Le Vasseur, who was eighty years of age +and a burden to his wife, from which she begged me to relieve her. +He was put into a house of charity, where, almost as soon as he arrived +there, age and the grief of finding himself removed from his family sent +him to the grave. His wife and all his children, except Theresa, did not +much regret his loss. But she, who loved him tenderly, has ever since +been inconsolable, and never forgiven herself for having suffered him, +at so advanced an age, to end his days in any other house than her own. + +Much about the same time I received a visit I little expected, although +it was from a very old acquaintance. My friend Venture, accompanied by +another man, came upon me one morning by surprise. What a change did I +discover in his person! Instead of his former gracefulness, he appeared +sottish and vulgar, which made me extremely reserved with him. My eyes +deceived me, or either debauchery had stupefied his mind, or all his +first splendor was the effect of his youth, which was past. I saw him +almost with indifference, and we parted rather coolly. But when he was +gone, the remembrance of our former connection so strongly called to my +recollection that of my younger days, so charmingly, so prudently +dedicated to that angelic woman (Madam de Warrens) who was not much less +changed than himself; the little anecdotes of that happy time, the +romantic day of Toune passed with so much innocence and enjoyment between +those two charming girls, from whom a kiss of the hand was the only +favor, and which, notwithstanding its being so trifling, had left me such +lively, affecting and lasting regrets; and the ravishing delirium of a +young heart, which I had just felt in all its force, and of which I +thought the season forever past for me. The tender remembrance of these +delightful circumstances made me shed tears over my faded youth and its +transports for ever lost to me. Ah! how many tears should I have shed +over their tardy and fatal return had I foreseen the evils I had yet to +suffer from them. + +Before I left Paris, I enjoyed during the winter which preceded my +retreat, a pleasure after my own heart, and of which I tasted in all its +purity. Palissot, academician of Nancy, known by a few dramatic +compositions, had just had one of them performed at Luneville before the +King of Poland. He perhaps thought to make his court by representing in +his piece a man who had dared to enter into a literary dispute with the +king. Stanislaus, who was generous, and did not like satire, was filled +with indignation at the author's daring to be personal in his presence. +The Comte de Tressan, by order of the prince, wrote to M. d'Alembert, as +well as to myself, to inform me that it was the intention of his majesty +to have Palissot expelled his academy. My answer was a strong +solicitation in favor of Palissot, begging M. de Tressan to intercede +with the king in his behalf. His pardon was granted, and M. de Tressan, +when he communicated to me the information in the name of the monarch, +added that the whole of what had passed should be inserted in the +register of the academy. I replied that this was less granting a pardon +than perpetuating a punishment. At length, after repeated solicitations, +I obtained a promise, that nothing relative to the affair should be +inserted in the register, and that no public trace should remain of it. +The promise was accompanied, as well on the part of the king as on that +of M. de Tressan, with assurance of esteem and respect, with which I was +extremely flattered; and I felt on this occasion that the esteem of men +who are themselves worthy of it, produced in the mind a sentiment +infinitely more noble and pleasing than that of vanity. I have +transcribed into my collection the letters of M. de Tressan, with my +answers to them: and the original of the former will be found amongst my +other papers. + +I am perfectly aware that if ever these memoirs become public, I here +perpetuate the remembrance of a fact which I would wish to efface every +trace; but I transmit many others as much against my inclination. +The grand object of my undertaking, constantly before my eyes, and the +indispensable duty of fulfilling it to its utmost extent, will not permit +me to be turned aside by trifling considerations, which would lead me +from my purpose. In my strange and unparalleled situation, I owe too +much to truth to be further than this indebted to any person whatever. +They who wish to know me well must be acquainted with me in every point +of view, in every relative situation, both good and bad. My confessions +are necessarily connected with those of many other people: I write both +with the same frankness in everything that relates to that which has +befallen me; and am not obliged to spare any person more than myself, +although it is my wish to do it. I am determined always to be just and +true, to say of others all the good I can, never speaking of evil except +when it relates to my own conduct, and there is a necessity for my so +doing. Who, in the situation in which the world has placed me, has a +right to require more at my hands? My confessions are not intended to +appear during my lifetime, nor that of those they may disagreeably +affect. Were I master of my own destiny, and that of the book I am now +writing, it should never be made public until after my death and theirs. +But the efforts which the dread of truth obliges my powerful enemies to +make to destroy every trace of it, render it necessary for me to do +everything, which the strictest right, and the most severe justice, will +permit, to preserve what I have written. Were the remembrance of me to +be lost at my dissolution, rather than expose any person alive, I would +without a murmur suffer an unjust and momentary reproach. But since my +name is to live, it is my duty to endeavor to transmit with it to +posterity the remembrance of the unfortunate man by whom it was borne, +such as he really was, and not such as his unjust enemies incessantly +endeavored to describe him. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +All your evils proceed from yourselves +Considering this want of decency as an act of courage +Die without the aid of physicians +I had a numerous acquaintance, yet no more than two friends +Knew how to complain, but not how to act +Moment I acquired literary fame, I had no longer a friend +There is no clapping of hands before the king + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v8 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK IX. + + +My impatience to inhabit the Hermitage not permitting me to wait until +the return of fine weather, the moment my lodging was prepared I hastened +to take possession of it, to the great amusement of the 'Coterie +Holbachaque', which publicly predicted I should not be able to support +solitude for three months, and that I should unsuccessfully return to +Paris, and live there as they did. For my part, having for fifteen years +been out of my element, finding myself upon the eve of returning to it, +I paid no attention to their pleasantries. Since contrary to my +inclinations, I have again entered the world, I have incessantly +regretted my dear Charmettes, and the agreeable life I led there. I felt +a natural inclination to retirement and the country: it was impossible +for me to live happily elsewhere. At Venice, in the train of public +affairs, in the dignity of a kind of representation, in the pride of +projects of advancement; at Paris, in the vortex of the great world, in +the luxury of suppers, in the brilliancy of spectacles, in the rays of +splendor; my groves, rivulets, and solitary walks, constantly presented +themselves to my recollection, interrupted my thought, rendered me +melancholy, and made me sigh with desire. All the labor to which I had +subjected myself, every project of ambition which by fits had animated my +ardor, all had for object this happy country retirement, which I now +thought near at hand. Without having acquired a genteel independence, +which I had judged to be the only means of accomplishing my views, I +imagined myself, in my particular situation, to be able to do without it, +and that I could obtain the same end by a means quite opposite. I had no +regular income; but I possessed some talents, and had acquired a name. +My wants were few, and I had freed myself from all those which were most +expensive, and which merely depended on prejudice and opinion. Besides +this, although naturally indolent, I was laborious when I chose to be so. +and my idleness was less that of an indolent man, than that of an +independent one who applies to business when it pleases him. +My profession of a copyist of music was neither splendid nor lucrative, +but it was certain. The world gave me credit for the courage I had shown +in making choice of it. I might depend upon having sufficient employment +to enable me to live. Two thousand livres which remained of the produce +of the 'Devin du Village', and my other writings, were a sum which kept +me from being straitened, and several works I had upon the stocks +promised me, without extorting money from the booksellers, supplies +sufficient to enable me to work at my ease without exhausting myself, +even by turning to advantage the leisure of my walks. My little family, +consisting of three persons, all of whom were usefully employed, was not +expensive to support. Finally, from my resources, proportioned to my +wants and desires, I might reasonably expect a happy and permanent +existence, in that manner of life which my inclination had induced me to +adopt. + +I might have taken the interested side of the question, and, instead of +subjecting my pen to copying, entirely devoted it to works which, from +the elevation to which I had soared, and at which I found myself capable +of continuing, might have enabled me to live in the midst of abundance, +nay, even of opulence, had I been the least disposed to join the +manoeuvres of an author to the care of publishing a good book. But I +felt that writing for bread would soon have extinguished my genius, and +destroyed my talents, which were less in my pen than in my heart, and +solely proceeded from an elevated and noble manner of thinking, by which +alone they could be cherished and preserved. Nothing vigorous or great +can come from a pen totally venal. Necessity, nay, even avarice, +perhaps, would have made me write rather rapidly than well. If the +desire of success had not led me into cabals, it might have made me +endeavor to publish fewer true and useful works than those which might be +pleasing to the multitude; and instead of a distinguished author, which I +might possibly become, I should have been nothing more than a scribbler. +No: I have always felt that the profession of letters was illustrious in +proportion as it was less a trade. It is too difficult to think nobly +when we think for a livelihood. To be able to dare even to speak great +truths, an author must be independent of success. I gave my books to the +public with a certainty of having written for the general good of +mankind, without giving myself the least concern about what was to +follow. If the work was thrown aside, so much the worse for such as did +not choose to profit by it. Their approbation was not necessary to +enable me to live, my profession was sufficient to maintain me had not my +works had a sale, for which reason alone they all sold. + +It was on the ninth of August, 1756, that I left cities, never to reside +in them again: for I do not call a residence the few days I afterwards +remained in Paris, London, or other cities, always on the wing, or +contrary to my inclinations. Madam d'Epinay came and took us all three +in her coach; her farmer carted away my little baggage, and I was put +into possession the same day. I found my little retreat simply +furnished, but neatly, and with some taste. The hand which had lent its +aid in this furnishing rendered it inestimable in my eyes, and I thought +it charming to be the guest of my female friend in a house I had made +choice of, and which she had caused to be built purposely for me. + +Although the weather was cold, and the ground lightly covered with snow, +the earth began to vegetate: violets and primroses already made their +appearance, the trees began to bud, and the evening of my arrival was +distinguished by the song of the nightingale, which was heard almost +under my window, in a wood adjoining the house. After a light sleep, +forgetting when I awoke my change of abode, I still thought myself in the +Rue Grenelle, when suddenly this warbling made me give a start, and I +exclaimed in my transport: "At length, all my wishes are accomplished!" +The first thing I did was to abandon myself to the impression of the +rural objects with which I was surrounded. Instead of beginning to set +things in order in my new habitation, I began by doing it for my walks, +and there was not a path, a copse, a grove, nor a corner in the environs +of my place of residence that I did not visit the next day. The more I +examined this charming retreat, the more I found it to my wishes. This +solitary, rather than savage, spot transported me in idea to the end of +the world. It had striking beauties which are but seldom found near +cities, and never, if suddenly transported thither, could any person have +imagined himself within four leagues of Paris. + +After abandoning myself for a few days to this rural delirium, I began to +arrange my papers, and regulate my occupations. I set apart, as I had +always done, my mornings to copying, and my afternoons to walking, +provided with my little paper book and a pencil, for never having been +able to write and think at my ease except 'sub dio', I had no inclination +to depart from this method, and I was persuaded the forest of +Montmorency, which was almost at my door, would in future be my closet +and study. I had several works begun; these I cast my eye over. My mind +was indeed fertile in great projects, but in the noise of the city the +execution of them had gone on but slowly. I proposed to myself to use +more diligence when I should be less interrupted. I am of opinion I have +sufficiently fulfilled this intention; and for a man frequently ill, +often at La Chevrette, at Epinay, at Raubonne, at the castle of +Montmorency, at other times interrupted by the indolent and curious, and +always employed half the day in copying, if what I produced during the +six years I passed at the Hermitage and at Montmorency be considered, I +am persuaded it will appear that if, in this interval, I lost my time, it +was not in idleness. + +Of the different works I had upon the stocks, that I had longest resolved +in my mind which was most to my taste; to which I destined a certain +portion of my life, and which, in my opinion, was to confirm the +reputation I had acquired, was my 'Institutions Politiques. I had, +fourteen years before, when at Venice, where I had an opportunity of +remarking the defects of that government so much boasted of, conceived +the first idea of them. Since that time my views had become much more +extended by the historical study of morality. I had perceived everything +to be radically connected with politics, and that, upon whatever +principles these were founded, a people would never be more than that +which the nature of the government made them; therefore the great +question of the best government possible appeared to me to be reduced to +this: What is the nature of a government the most proper to form the most +virtuous and enlightened, the wisest and best people, taking the last +epithet in its most extensive meaning? I thought this question was much +if not quite of the same nature with that which follows: What government +is that which, by its nature, always maintains itself nearest to the +laws, or least deviates from the laws. Hence, what is the law? and a +series of questions of similar importance. I perceived these led to +great truths, useful to the happiness of mankind, but more especially to +that of my country, wherein, in the journey I had just made to it, I had +not found notions of laws and liberty either sufficiently just or clear. +I had thought this indirect manner of communicating these to my fellow- +citizens would be least mortifying to their pride, and might obtain me +forgiveness for having seen a little further than themselves. + +Although I had already labored five or six years at the work, the +progress I had made in it was not considerable. Writings of this kind +require meditation, leisure and tranquillity. I had besides written the +'Institutions Politiques', as the expression is, 'en bonne fortune', and +had not communicated my project to any person; not even to Diderot. +I was afraid it would be thought too daring for the age and country in +which I wrote, and that the fears of my friends would restrain me from +carrying it into execution. + + [It was more especially the wise severity of Duclos which inspired + me with this fear; as for Diderot, I know not by what means all my + conferences with him tended to make me more satirical than my + natural disposition inclined me to be. This prevented me from + consulting him upon an undertaking, in which I wished to introduce + nothing but the force of reasoning without the least appearance of + ill humor or partiality. The manner of this work may be judged of + by that of the 'Contrat Social', which is taken from it.] + +I did not yet know that it would be finished in time, and in such a +manner as to appear before my decease. I wished fearlessly to give to my +subject everything it required; fully persuaded that not being of a +satirical turn, and never wishing to be personal, I should in equity +always be judged irreprehensible. I undoubtedly wished fully to enjoy +the right of thinking which I had by birth; but still respecting the +government under which I lived, without ever disobeying its laws, and +very attentive not to violate the rights of persons, I would not from +fear renounce its advantages. + +I confess, even that, as a stranger, and living in France, I found my +situation very favorable in daring to speak the truth; well knowing that +continuing, as I was determined to do, not to print anything in the +kingdom without permission, I was not obliged to give to any person in it +an account of my maxims nor of their publication elsewhere. I should +have been less independent even at Geneva, where, in whatever place my +books might have been printed, the magistrate had a right to criticise +their contents. This consideration had greatly contributed to make me +yield to the solicitations of Madam d'Epinay, and abandon the project of +fixing my residence at Geneva. I felt, as I have remarked in my Emilius, +that unless an author be a man of intrigue, when he wishes to render his +works really useful to any country whatsoever, he must compose them in +some other. + +What made me find my situation still more happy, was my being persuaded +that the government of France would, perhaps, without looking upon me +with a very favorable eye, make it a point to protect me, or at least not +to disturb my tranquillity. It appeared to me a stroke of simple, yet +dexterous policy, to make a merit of tolerating that which there was no +means of preventing; since, had I been driven from France, which was all +government had the right to do, my work would still have been written, +and perhaps with less reserve; whereas if I were left undisturbed, the +author remained to answer for what he wrote, and a prejudice, general +throughout all Europe, would be destroyed by acquiring the reputation of +observing a proper respect for the rights of persons. + +They who, by the event, shall judge I was deceived, may perhaps be +deceived in their turn. In the storm which has since broken over my +head, my books served as a pretence, but it was against my person that +every shaft was directed. My persecutors gave themselves but little +concern about the author, but they wished to ruin Jean Jacques; and the +greatest evil they found in my writings was the honor they might possibly +do me. Let us not encroach upon the future. I do not know that this +mystery, which is still one to me, will hereafter be cleared up to my +readers; but had my avowed principles been of a nature to bring upon me +the treatment I received, I should sooner have become their victim, since +the work in which these principles are manifested with most courage, not +to call it audacity, seemed to have had its effect previous to my retreat +to the Hermitage, without I will not only say my having received the +least censure, but without any steps having been taken to prevent the +publication of it in France, where it was sold as publicly as in Holland. +The New Eloisa afterwards appeared with the same facility, I dare add; +with the same applause: and, what seems incredible, the profession of +faith of this Eloisa at the point of death is exactly similar to that of +the Savoyard vicar. Every strong idea in the Social Contract had been +before published in the discourse on Inequality; and every bold opinion +in Emilius previously found in Eloisa. This unrestrained freedom did not +excite the least murmur against the first two works; therefore it was not +that which gave cause to it against the latter. + +Another undertaking much of the same kind, but of which the project was +more recent, then engaged my attention: this was the extract of the works +of the Abbe de Saint Pierre, of which, having been led away by the thread +of my narrative, I have not hitherto been able to speak. The idea was +suggested to me, after my return from Geneva, by the Abbe Malby, not +immediately from himself, but by the interposition of Madam Dupin, who +had some interest in engaging me to adopt it. She was one of the three +or four-pretty women of Paris, of whom the Abbe de Saint Pierre had been +the spoiled child, and although she had not decidedly had the preference, +she had at least partaken of it with Madam d'Aiguillon. She preserved +for the memory of the good man a respect and an affection which did honor +to them both; and her self-love would have been flattered by seeing the +still-born works of her friend brought to life by her secretary. These +works contained excellent things, but so badly told that the reading of +them was almost insupportable; and it is astonishing the Abbe de Saint +Pierre, who looked upon his readers as schoolboys, should nevertheless +have spoken to them as men, by the little care he took to induce them to +give him a hearing. It was for this purpose that the work was proposed +to me as useful in itself, and very proper for a man laborious in +manoeuvre, but idle as an author, who finding the trouble of thinking +very fatiguing, preferred, in things which pleased him, throwing a light +upon and extending the ideas of others, to producing any himself. +Besides, not being confined to the functions of a translator, I was at +liberty sometimes to think for myself; and I had it in my power to give +such a form to my work, that many important truths would pass in it under +the name of the Abbe de Saint Pierre, much more safely than under mine. +The undertaking also was not trifling; the business was nothing less than +to read and meditate twenty-three volumes, diffuse, confused, full of +long narrations and periods, repetitions, and false or little views, from +amongst which it was necessary to select some few that were good and +useful, and sufficiently encouraging to enable me to support the painful +labor. I frequently wished to have given it up, and should have done so, +could I have got it off my hands with a great grace; but when I received +the manuscripts of the abbe, which were given to me by his nephew, the +Comte de Saint Pierre, I had, by the solicitation of St. Lambert, in some +measure engaged to make use of them, which I must either have done, or +have given them back. It was with the former intention I had taken the +manuscripts to the Hermitage, and this was the first work to which I +proposed to dedicate my leisure hours. + +I had likewise in my own mind projected a third, the idea of which I owed +to the observations I had made upon myself and I felt the more disposed +to undertake this work, as I had reason to hope I could make it a truly +useful one, and perhaps, the most so of any that could be offered to the +world, were the execution equal to the plan I had laid down. It has been +remarked that most men are in the course of their lives frequently unlike +themselves, and seem to be transformed into others very different from +what they were. It was not to establish a thing so generally known that +I wished to write a book; I had a newer and more important object. This +was to search for the causes of these variations, and, by confining my +observations to those which depend on ourselves, to demonstrate in what +manner it might be possible to direct them, in order to render us better +and more certain of our dispositions. For it is undoubtedly more painful +to an honest man to resist desires already formed, and which it is his +duty to subdue, than to prevent, change, or modify the same desires in +their source, were he capable of tracing them to it. A man under +temptation resists once because he has strength of mind, he yields +another time because this is overcome; had it been the same as before he +would again have triumphed. + +By examining within myself, and searching in others what could be the +cause of these different manners of being, I discovered that, in a great +measure they depended on the anterior impressions of external objects; +and that, continually modified by our senses and organs, we, without +knowing it, bore in our ideas, sentiments, and even actions, the effect +of these modifications. The striking and numerous observations I had +collected were beyond all manner of dispute, and by their natural +principle seemed proper to furnish an exterior regimen, which varied +according to circumstances, might place and support the mind in the state +most favorable to virtue. From how many mistakes would reason be +preserved, how many vices would be stifled in their birth, were it +possible to force animal economy to favor moral order, which it so +frequently disturbs! Climate, seasons, sounds, colors, light, darkness, +the elements, ailments, noise, silence, motion, rest, all act on the +animal machine, and consequently on the mind: all offer a thousand means, +almost certain of directing in their origin the sentiments by which we +suffer ourselves to be governed. Such was the fundamental idea of which +I had already made a sketch upon paper, and whence I hoped for an effect +the more certain, in favor of persons well disposed, who, sincerely +loving virtue, were afraid of their own weakness, as it appeared to me +easy to make of it a book as agreeable to read as it was to compose. +I have, however, applied myself but very little to this work, the title +of which was to have been 'Morale Sensitive' ou le Materialisme du Sage. +--[Sensitive Morality, or the Materialism of the Sage.]-- Interruptions, +the cause of which will soon appear, prevented me from continuing it, and +the fate of the sketch, which is more connected with my own than it may +appear to be, will hereafter be seen. + +Besides this, I had for some time meditated a system of education, of +which Madam de Chenonceaux, alarmed for her son by that of her husband, +had desired me to consider. The authority of friendship placed this +object, although less in itself to my taste, nearer to my heart than any +other. On which account this subject, of all those of which I have just +spoken, is the only one I carried to its utmost extent. The end I +proposed to myself in treating of it should, I think, have procured the +author a better fate. But I will not here anticipate this melancholy +subject. I shall have too much reason to speak of it in the course of my +work. + +These different objects offered me subjects of meditation for my walks; +for, as I believed I had already observed, I am unable to reflect when I +am not walking: the moment I stop, I think no more, and as soon as I am +again in motion my head resumes its workings. I had, however, provided +myself with a work for the closet upon rainy days. This was my +dictionary of music, which my scattered, mutilated, and unshapen +materials made it necessary to rewrite almost entirely. I had with me +some books necessary to this purpose; I had spent two months in making +extracts from others, I had borrowed from the king's library, whence I +was permitted to take several to the Hermitage. I was thus provided with +materials for composing in my apartment when the weather did not permit +me to go out, and my copying fatigued me. This arrangement was so +convenient that it made it turn to advantage as well at the Hermitage as +at Montmorency, and afterwards even at Motiers, where I completed the +work whilst I was engaged in others, and constantly found a change of +occupation to be a real relaxation. + +During a considerable time I exactly followed the distribution I had +prescribed myself, and found it very agreeable; but as soon as the fine +weather brought Madam d'Epinay more frequently to Epinay, or to the +Chervette, I found that attentions, in the first instance natural to me, +but which I had not considered in my scheme, considerably deranged my +projects. I have already observed that Madam d'Epinay had many amiable +qualities; she sincerely loved her friends; served them with zeal; and, +not sparing for them either time or pains, certainly deserved on their +part every attention in return. I had hitherto discharged this duty +without considering it as one, but at length I found that I had given +myself a chain of which nothing but friendship prevented me from feeling +the weight, and this was still aggravated by my dislike to numerous +societies. Madam d' Epinay took advantage of these circumstances to make +me a proposition seemingly agreeable to me, but which was more so to +herself; this was to let me know when she was alone, or had but little +company. I consented, without perceiving to what a degree I engaged +myself. The consequence was that I no longer visited her at my own hour +--but at hers, and that I never was certain of being master of myself for +a day together. This constraint considerably diminished the pleasure +I had in going to see her. I found the liberty she had so frequently +promised was given me upon no other condition than that of my never +enjoying it; and once or twice when I wished to do this there were so +many messages, notes, and alarms relative to my health, that I perceived +that I could have no excuse but being confined to my bed, for not +immediately running to her upon the first intimation. It was necessary +I should submit to this yoke, and I did it, even more voluntarily than +could be expected from so great an enemy to dependence: the sincere +attachment I had to Madam D'Epinay preventing me, in a great measure, +from feeling the inconvenience with which it was accompanied. She, +on her part, filled up, well or ill, the void which the absence of her +usual circle left in her amusements. This for her was but a very slender +supplement, although preferable to absolute solitude, which she could not +support. She had the means of doing it much more at her ease after she +began with literature, and at all events to write novels, letters, +comedies, tales, and other trash of the same kind. But she was not so +much amused in writing these as in reading them; and she never scribbled +over two or three pages--at one sitting--without being previously assured +of having, at least, two or three benevolent auditors at the end of so +much labor. I seldom had the honor of being one of the chosen few except +by means of another. When alone, I was, for the most part, considered as +a cipher in everything; and this not only in the company of Madam +D'Epinay, but in that of M. d'Holbach, and in every place where Grimm +gave the 'ton'. This nullity was very convenient to me, except in a +tete-a-tete, when I knew not what countenance to put on, not daring to +speak of literature, of which it was not for me to say a word; nor of +gallantry, being too timid, and fearing, more than death, the +ridiculousness of an old gallant; besides that, I never had such an idea +when in the company of Madam D'Epinay, and that it perhaps would never +have occurred to me, had I passed my whole life with her; not that her +person was in the least disagreeable to me; on the contrary, I loved her +perhaps too much as a friend to do it as a lover. I felt a pleasure in +seeing and speaking to her. Her conversation, although agreeable enough +in a mixed company, was uninteresting in private; mine, not more elegant +or entertaining than her own, was no great amusement to her. Ashamed of +being long silent, I endeavored to enliven our tete-a-tete and, although +this frequently fatigued me, I was never disgusted with it. I was happy +to show her little attentions, and gave her little fraternal kisses, +which seemed not to be more sensual to herself; these were all. She was +very thin, very pale, and had a bosom which resembled the back of her hand. +This defect alone would have been sufficient to moderate my most ardent +desires; my heart never could distinguish a woman in a person who had it; +and besides other causes useless to mention, always made me forget the sex +of this lady. + +Having resolved to conform to an assiduity which was necessary, +I immediately and voluntarily entered upon it, and for the first year at +least, found it less burthensome than I could have expected. Madam +d'Epinay, who commonly passed the summer in the country, continued there +but a part of this; whether she was more detained by her affairs in +Paris, or that the absence of Grimm rendered the residence of the +Chevrette less agreeable to her, I know not. I took the advantage of +the intervals of her absence, or when the company with her was numerous, +to enjoy my solitude with my good Theresa and her mother, in such a +manner as to taste all its charms. Although I had for several years +passed been frequently in the country, I seldom had enjoyed much of its +pleasures; and these excursions, always made in company with people who +considered themselves as persons of consequence, and rendered insipid by +constraint, served to increase in me the natural desire I had for rustic +pleasures. The want of these was the more sensible to me as I had the +image of them immediately before my eyes. I was so tired of saloons, +jets d'eau, groves, parterres, and of more fatiguing persons by whom they +were shown; so exhausted with pamphlets, harpsichords, trios, +unravellings of plots, stupid bon mots, insipid affections, pitiful +storytellers, and great suppers; that when I gave a side glance at a poor +simple hawthorn bush, a hedge, a barn, or a meadow; when, in passing +through a hamlet, I scented a good chervil omelette, and heard at a +distance the burden of a rustic song of the Bisquieres; I wished all +rouge, furbelows and amber at the d---l, and envying the dinner of the +good housewife, and the wine of her own vineyard, I heartily wished to +give a slap on the chaps to Monsieur le Chef and Monsieur le Maitre, who +made me dine at the hour of supper, and sup when I should have been +asleep, but especially to Messieurs the lackeys, who devoured with their +eyes the morsel I put into my mouth, and upon pain of my dying with +thirst, sold me the adulterated wine of their master, ten times dearer +than that of a better quality would have cost me at a public house. + +At length I was settled in an agreeable and solitary asylum, at liberty +to pass there the remainder of my days, in that peaceful, equal, and +independent life for which I felt myself born. Before I relate the +effects this situation, so new to me, had upon my heart, it is proper I +should recapitulate its secret affections, that the reader may better +follow in their causes the progress of these new modifications. + +I have always considered the day on which I was united to Theresa as that +which fixed my moral existence. An attachment was necessary for me, +since that which should have been sufficient to my heart had been so +cruelly broken. The thirst after happiness is never extinguished in the +heart of man. Mamma was advancing into years, and dishonored herself! +I had proofs that she could never more be happy here below; it therefore +remained to me to seek my own happiness, having lost all hopes of +partaking of hers. I was sometimes irresolute, and fluctuated from one +idea to another, and from project to project. My journey to Venice would +have thrown me into public life, had the man with whom, almost against my +inclination, I was connected there had common sense. I was easily +discouraged, especially in undertakings of length and difficulty. The +ill success of this disgusted me with every other; and, according to my +old maxims, considering distant objects as deceitful allurements, I +resolved in future to provide for immediate wants, seeing nothing in life +which could tempt me to make extraordinary efforts. + +It was precisely at this time we became acquainted. The mild character +of the good Theresa seemed so fitted to my own, that I united myself to +her with an attachment which neither time nor injuries have been able to +impair, and which has constantly been increased by everything by which it +might have been expected to be diminished. The force of this sentiment +will hereafter appear when I come to speak of the wounds she has given my +heart in the height of my misery, without my ever having, until this +moment, once uttered a word of complaint to any person whatever. + +When it shall be known, that after having done everything, braved +everything, not to separate from her; that after passing with her twenty +years in despite of fate and men; I have in my old age made her my wife, +without the least expectation or solicitation on her part, or promise or +engagement on mine, the world will think that love bordering upon +madness, having from the first moment turned my head, led me by degrees +to the last act of extravagance; and this will no longer appear doubtful +when the strong and particular reasons which should forever have +prevented me from taking such a step are made known. What, therefore, +will the reader think when I shall have told him, with all the truth he +has ever found in me, that, from the first moment in which I saw her, +until that wherein I write, I have never felt the least love for her, +that I never desired to possess her more than I did to possess Madam de +Warrens, and that the physical wants which were satisfied with her person +were, to me, solely those of the sex, and by no means proceeding from the +individual? He will think that, being of a constitution different from +that of other men, I was incapable of love, since this was not one of the +sentiments which attached me to women the most dear to my heart. +Patience, O my dear reader! the fatal moment approaches in which you +will be but too much undeceived. + +I fall into repetitions; I know it; and these are necessary. The first +of my wants, the greatest, strongest and most insatiable, was wholly in +my heart; the want of an intimate connection, and as intimate as it could +possibly be: for this reason especially, a woman was more necessary to me +than a man, a female rather than a male friend. This singular want was +such that the closest corporal union was not sufficient: two souls would +have been necessary to me in the same body, without which I always felt a +void. I thought I was upon the point of filling it up forever. This +young person, amiable by a thousand excellent qualities, and at that time +by her form, without the shadow of art or coquetry, would have confined +within herself my whole existence, could hers, as I had hoped it would, +have been totally confined to me. I had nothing to fear from men; I am +certain of being the only man she ever really loved and her moderate +passions seldom wanted another not even after I ceased in this respect to +be one to her. I had no family; she had one; and this family was +composed of individuals whose dispositions were so different from mine, +that I could never make it my own. This was the first cause of my +unhappiness. What would I not have given to be the child of her mother? +I did everything in my power to become so, but could never succeed. +I in vain attempted to unite all our interests: this was impossible. +She always created herself one different from mine, contrary to it, and +to that even of her daughter, which already was no longer separated from +it. She, her other children, and grand-children, became so many leeches, +and the least evil these did to Theresa was robbing her. The poor girl, +accustomed to submit, even to her nieces, suffered herself to be pilfered +and governed without saying a word; and I perceived with grief that by +exhausting my purse, and giving her advice, I did nothing that could be +of any real advantage to her. I endeavored to detach her from her +mother; but she constantly resisted such a proposal. I could not but +respect her resistance, and esteemed her the more for it; but her refusal +was not on this account less to the prejudice of us both. Abandoned to +her mother and the rest of her family, she was more their companion than +mine, and rather at their command than mistress of herself. Their +avarice was less ruinous than their advice was pernicious to her; in +fact, if, on account of the love she had for me, added to her good +natural disposition, she was not quite their slave, she was enough so to +prevent in a great measure the effect of the good maxims I endeavored to +instil into her, and, notwithstanding all my efforts, to prevent our +being united. + +Thus was it, that notwithstanding a sincere and reciprocal attachment, +in which I had lavished all the tenderness of my heart, the void in that +heart was never completely filled. Children, by whom this effect should +have been produced, were brought into the world, but these only made +things worse. I trembled at the thought of intrusting them to a family +ill brought up, to be still worse educated. The risk of the education of +the foundling hospital was much less. This reason for the resolution I +took, much stronger than all those I stated in my letter to Madam de +Francueil, was, however, the only one with which I dared not make her +acquainted; I chose rather to appear less excusable than to expose to +reproach the family of a person I loved. But by the conduct of her +wretched brother, notwithstanding all that can be said in his defence, +it will be judged whether or not I ought to have exposed my children to +an education similar to his. + +Not having it in my power to taste in all its plentitude the charms of +that intimate connection of which I felt the want, I sought for +substitutes which did not fill up the void, yet they made it less +sensible. Not having a friend entirely devoted to me, I wanted others, +whose impulse should overcome my indolence; for this reason I cultivated +and strengthened my connection with Diderot and the Abbe de Condillac, +formed with Grimm a new one still more intimate, till at length by the +unfortunate discourse, of which I have related some particulars, +I unexpectedly found myself thrown back into a literary circle which +I thought I had quitted forever. + +My first steps conducted me by a new path to another intellectual world, +the simple and noble economy of which I cannot contemplate without +enthusiasm. I reflected so much on the subject that I soon saw nothing +but error and folly in the doctrine of our sages, and oppression and +misery in our social order. In the illusion of my foolish pride, +I thought myself capable of destroying all imposture; and thinking that, +to make myself listened to, it was necessary my conduct should agree with +my principles, I adopted the singular manner of life which I have not +been permitted to continue, the example of which my pretended friends +have never forgiven me, which at first made me ridiculous, and would at +length have rendered me respectable, had it been possible for me to +persevere. + +Until then I had been good; from that moment I became virtuous, or at +least infatuated with virtue. This infatuation had begun in my head, but +afterwards passed into my heart. The most noble pride there took root +amongst the ruins of extirpated vanity. I affected nothing; I became +what I appeared to be, and during four years at least, whilst this +effervescence continued at its greatest height, there is nothing great +and good that can enter the heart of man, of which I was not capable +between heaven and myself. Hence flowed my sudden eloquence; hence, in +my first writings, that fire really celestial, which consumed me, and +whence during forty years not a single spark had escaped, because it was +not yet lighted up. + +I was really transformed; my friends and acquaintance scarcely knew me. +I was no longer that timid, and rather bashful than modest man, who +neither dared to present himself, nor utter a word; whom a single +pleasantry disconcerted, and whose face was covered with a blush the +moment his eyes met those of a woman. I became bold, haughty, intrepid, +with a confidence the more firm, as it was simple, and resided in my soul +rather than in my manner. The contempt with which my profound +meditations had inspired me for the manners, maxims and prejudices of the +age in which I lived, rendered me proof against the raillery of those by +whom they were possessed, and I crushed their little pleasantries with a +sentence, as I would have crushed an insect with my fingers. + +What a change! All Paris repeated the severe and acute sarcasms of the +same man who, two years before, and ten years afterwards, knew not how to +find what he had to say, nor the word he ought to employ. Let the +situation in the world the most contrary to my natural disposition be +sought after, and this will be found. Let one of the short moments of my +life in which I became another man, and ceased to be myself, be +recollected, this also will be found in the time of which I speak; but, +instead of continuing only six days, or six weeks, it lasted almost six +years, and would perhaps still continue, but for the particular +circumstances which caused it to cease, and restored me to nature, above +which I had, wished to soar. + +The beginning of this change took place as soon as I had quitted Paris, +and the sight of the vices of that city no longer kept up the indignation +with which it had inspired me. I no sooner had lost sight of men than I +ceased to despise them, and once removed from those who designed me evil, +my hatred against them no longer existed. My heart, little fitted for +hatred, pitied their misery, and even their wickedness. This situation, +more pleasing but less sublime, soon allayed the ardent enthusiasm by +which I had so long been transported; and I insensibly, almost to myself +even, again became fearful, complaisant and timid; in a word, the same +Jean Jacques I before had been. + +Had this resolution gone no further than restoring me to myself, all +would have been well; but unfortunately it rapidly carried me away to the +other extreme. From that moment my mind in agitation passed the line of +repose, and its oscillations, continually renewed, have never permitted +it to remain here. I must enter into some detail of this second +revolution; terrible and fatal era, of a fate unparalleled amongst +mortals. + +We were but three persons in our retirement; it was therefore natural our +intimacy should be increased by leisure and solitude. This was the case +between Theresa and myself. We passed in conversations in the shade the +most charming and delightful hours, more so than any I had hitherto +enjoyed. She seemed to taste of this sweet intercourse more than I had +until then observed her to do; she opened her heart, and communicated to +me, relative to her mother and family, things she had had resolution +enough to conceal for a great length of time. Both had received from +Madam Dupin numerous presents, made them on my account, and mostly for +me, but which the cunning old woman, to prevent my being angry, had +appropriated to her own use and that of her other children, without +suffering Theresa to have the least share, strongly forbidding her to say +a word to me of the matter: an order the poor girl had obeyed with an +incredible exactness. + +But another thing which surprised me more than this had done, was the +discovery that besides the private conversations Diderot and Grimm had +frequently had with both to endeavor to detach them from me, in which, +by means of the resistance of Theresa, they had not been able to succeed, +they had afterwards had frequent conferences with the mother, the subject +of which was a secret to the daughter. However, she knew little presents +had been made, and that there were mysterious goings backward and +forward, the motive of which was entirely unknown to her. When we left +Paris, Madam le Vasseur had long been in the habit of going to see Grimm +twice or thrice a month, and continuing with him for hours together, in +conversation so secret that the servant was always sent out of the room. + +I judged this motive to be of the same nature with the project into which +they had attempted to make the daughter enter, by promising to procure +her and her mother, by means of Madam d'Epinay, a salt huckster's +license, or snuff-shop; in a word, by tempting her with the allurements +of gain. They had been told that, as I was not in a situation to do +anything for them, I could not, on their account, do anything for myself. +As in all this I saw nothing but good intentions, I was not absolutely +displeased with them for it. The mystery was the only thing which gave +me pain, especially on the part of the old woman, who moreover daily +became more parasitical and flattering towards me. This, however, did +not prevent her from reproaching her daughter in private with telling me +everything, and loving me too much, observing to her she was a fool and +would at length be made a dupe. + +This woman possessed, to a supreme degree, the art of multiplying the +presents made her, by concealing from one what she received from another, +and from me what she received from all. I could have pardoned her +avarice, but it was impossible I should forgive her dissimulation. What +could she have to conceal from me whose happiness she knew principally +consisted in that of herself and her daughter? What I had done for the +daughter I had done for myself, but the services I rendered the mother +merited on her part some acknowledgment. She ought, at least, to have +thought herself obliged for them to her daughter, and to have loved me +for the sake of her by whom I was already beloved. I had raised her from +the lowest state of wretchedness; she received from my hands the means of +subsistence, and was indebted to me for her acquaintance with the persons +from whom she found means to reap considerable benefit. Theresa had long +supported her by her industry, and now maintained her with my bread. +She owed everything to this daughter, for whom she had done nothing, and +her other children, to whom she had given marriage portions, and on whose +account she had ruined herself, far from giving her the least aid, +devoured her substance and mine. I thought that in such a situation she +ought to consider me as her only friend and most sure protector, and +that, far from making of my own affairs a secret to me, and conspiring +against me in my house, it was her duty faithfully to acquaint me with +everything in which I was interested, when this came to her knowledge +before it did to mine. In what light, therefore, could I consider her +false and mysterious conduct? What could I think of the sentiments with +which she endeavored to inspire her daughter? What monstrous ingratitude +was hers, to endeavor to instil it into her from whom I expected my +greatest consolation? + +These reflections at length alienated my affections from this woman, and +to such a degree that I could no longer look upon her but with contempt. +I nevertheless continued to treat with respect the mother of the friend +of my bosom, and in everything to show her almost the reverence of a son; +but I must confess I could not remain long with her without pain, and +that I never knew how to bear restraint. + +This is another short moment of my life, in which I approached near to +happiness without being able to attain it, and this by no fault of my +own. Had the mother been of a good disposition we all three should have +been happy to the end of our days; the longest liver only would have been +to be pitied. Instead of which, the reader will see the course things +took, and judge whether or not it was in my power to change it. + +Madam le Vasseur, who perceived I had got more full possession of the +heart of Theresa, and that she had lost ground with her, endeavored to +regain it; and instead of striving to restore herself to my good opinion +by the mediation of her daughter attempted to alienate her affections +from me. One of the means she employed was to call her family to her +aid. I had begged Theresa not to invite any of her relations to the +Hermitage, and she had promised me she would not. These were sent for in +my absence, without consulting her, and she was afterwards prevailed upon +to promise not to say anything of the matter. After the first step was +taken all the rest were easy. When once we make a secret of anything to +the person we love, we soon make little scruple of doing it in +everything; the moment I was at the Chevrette the Hermitage was full of +people who sufficiently amused themselves. A mother has always great +power over a daughter of a mild disposition; yet notwithstanding all the +old woman could do, she was never able to prevail upon Theresa to enter +into her views, nor to persuade her to join in the league against me. +For her part, she resolved upon doing it forever, and seeing on one side +her daughter and myself, who were in a situation to live, and that was +all; on the other, Diderot, Grimm, D' Holbach and Madam d'Epinay, who +promised great things, and gave some little ones, she could not conceive +it was possible to be in the wrong with the wife of a farmer-general and +baron. Had I been more clear sighted, I should from this moment have +perceived I nourished a serpent in my bosom. But my blind confidence, +which nothing had yet diminished, was such that I could not imagine she +wished to injure the person she ought to love. Though I saw numerous +conspiracies formed on every side, all I complain of was the tyranny of +persons who called themselves my friends, and who, as it seemed, would +force me to be happy in the manner they should point out, and not in that +I had chosen for myself. + +Although Theresa refused to join in the confederacy with her mother, she +afterwards kept her secret. For this her motive was commendable, +although I will not determine whether she did it well or ill. Two women, +who have secrets between them, love to prattle together; this attracted +them towards each other, and Theresa, by dividing herself, sometimes let +me feel I was alone; for I could no longer consider as a society that +which we all three formed. + +I now felt the neglect I had been guilty of during the first years of our +connection, in not taking advantage of the docility with which her love +inspired her, to improve her talents and give her knowledge, which, by +more closely connecting us in our retirement would agreeably have filled +up her time and my own, without once suffering us to perceive the length +of a private conversation. Not that this was ever exhausted between us, +or that she seemed disgusted with our walks; but we had not a sufficient +number of ideas common to both to make ourselves a great store, and we +could not incessantly talk of our future projects which were confined to +those of enjoying the pleasures of life. The objects around us inspired +me with reflections beyond the reach of her comprehension. An attachment +of twelve years' standing had no longer need of words: we were too well +acquainted with each other to have any new knowledge to acquire in that +respect. The resource of puns, jests, gossiping and scandal, was all +that remained. In solitude especially is it, that the advantage of +living with a person who knows how to think is particularly felt. I +wanted not this resource to amuse myself with her; but she would have +stood in need of it to have always found amusement with me. The worst of +all was our being obliged to hold our conversations when we could; her +mother, who become importunate, obliged me to watch for opportunities to +do it. I was under constraint in my own house: this is saying +everything; the air of love was prejudicial to good friendship. We had +an intimate intercourse without living in intimacy. + +The moment I thought I perceived that Theresa sometimes sought for a +pretext to elude the walks I proposed to her, I ceased to invite her to +accompany me, without being displeased with her for not finding in them +so much amusement as I did. Pleasure is not a thing which depends upon +the will. I was sure of her heart, and the possession of this was all I +desired. As long as my pleasures were hers, I tasted of them with her; +when this ceased to be the case I preferred her contentment to my own. + +In this manner it was that, half deceived in my expectation, leading a +life after my own heart, in a residence I had chosen with a person who +was dear to me, I at length found myself almost alone. What I still +wanted prevented me from enjoying what I had. With respect to happiness +and enjoyment, everything or nothing, was what was necessary to me. The +reason of these observations will hereafter appear. At present I return +to the thread of my narrative. + +I imagined that I possessed treasures in the manuscripts given me by the +Comte de St. Pierre. On examination I found they were a little more +than the collection of the printed works of his uncle, with notes and +corrections by his own hand, and a few other trifling fragments which had +not yet been published. I confirmed myself by these moral writings in +the idea I had conceived from some of his letters, shown me by Madam de +Crequi, that he had more sense and ingenuity than at first I had +imagined; but after a careful examination of his political works, +I discerned nothing but superficial notions, and projects that were +useful but impracticable, in consequence of the idea from which the +author never could depart, that men conducted themselves by their +sagacity rather than by their passions. The high opinion he had of the +knowledge of the moderns had made him adopt this false principle of +improved reason, the basis of all the institutions he proposed, and the +source of his political sophisms. This extraordinary man, an honor to +the age in which he lived, and to the human species, and perhaps the only +person, since the creation of mankind, whose sole passion was that of +reason, wandered in all his systems from error to error, by attempting to +make men like himself, instead of taking them as they were, are, and will +continue to be. He labored for imaginary beings, while he thought +himself employed for the benefit of his contemporaries. + +All these things considered, I was rather embarrassed as to the form I +should give to my work. To suffer the author's visions to pass was doing +nothing useful; fully to refute them would have been unpolite, as the +care of revising and publishing his manuscripts, which I had accepted, +and even requested, had been intrusted to me; this trust had imposed on +me the obligation of treating the author honorably. I at length +concluded upon that which to me appeared the most decent, judicious, and +useful. This was to give separately my own ideas and those of the +author, and, for this purpose, to enter into his views, to set them in a +new light, to amplify, extend them, and spare nothing which might +contribute to present them in all their excellence. + +My work therefore was to be composed of two parts absolutely distinct: +one, to explain, in the manner I have just mentioned, the different +projects of the author; in the other, which was not to appear until the +first had had its effect, I should have given my opinion upon these +projects, which I confess might sometimes have exposed them to the fate +of the sonnet of the misanthrope. At the head of the whole was to have +been the life of the author. For this I had collected some good +materials, and which I flattered myself I should not spoil in making use +of them. I had been a little acquainted with the Abbe de St. Pierre, in +his old age, and the veneration I had for his memory warranted to me, +upon the whole, that the comte would not be dissatisfied with the manner +in which I should have treated his relation. + +I made my first essay on the 'Perpetual Peace', the greatest and most +elaborate of all the works which composed the collection; and before I +abandoned myself to my reflections I had the courage to read everything +the abbe had written upon this fine subject, without once suffering +myself to be disgusted either by his slowness or his repetitions. The +public has seen the extract, on which account I have nothing to say upon +the subject. My opinion of it has not been printed, nor do I know that +it ever will be; however, it was written at the same time the extract was +made. From this I passed to the 'Polysynodie', or Plurality of Councils, +a work written under the regent to favor the administration he had +chosen, and which caused the Abbe de Saint Pierre to be expelled from the +academy, on account of some remarks unfavorable to the preceding +administration, and with which the Duchess of Maine and the Cardinal de +Polignac were displeased. I completed this work as I did the former, +with an extract and remarks; but I stopped here without intending to +continue the undertaking which I ought never to have begun. + +The reflection which induced me to give it up naturally presents itself, +and it was astonishing I had not made it sooner. + +Most of the writings of the Abbe de Saint Pierre were either +observations, or contained observations, on some parts of the government +of France, and several of these were of so free a nature, that it was +happy for him he had made them with impunity. But in the offices of all +the ministers of state the Abbe de St. Pierre had ever been considered as +a kind of preacher rather than a real politician, and he was suffered to +say what he pleased, because it appeared that nobody listened to him. +Had I procured him readers the case would have been different. He was a +Frenchman, and I was not one; and by repeating his censures, although in +his own name, I exposed myself to be asked, rather rudely, but without +injustice, what it was with which I meddled. Happily before I proceeded +any further, I perceived the hold I was about to give the government +against me, and I immediately withdrew. I knew that, living alone in the +midst of men more powerful than myself, I never could by any means +whatever be sheltered from the injury they chose to do me. There was but +one thing which depended upon my own efforts: this was, to observe such a +line of conduct that whenever they chose to make me feel the weight of +authority they could not do it without being unjust. The maxim which +induced me to decline proceeding with the works of the Abbe de Saint +Pierre, has frequently made me give up projects I had much more at heart. +People who are always ready to construe adversity into a crime, would be +much surprised were they to know the pains I have taken, that during my +misfortunes it might never with truth be said of me, Thou hast deserved +them. + +After having given up the manuscript, I remained some time without +determining upon the work which should succeed it, and this interval of +inactivity was destructive; by permitting me to turn my reflections on +myself, for want of another object to engage my attention. I had no +project for the future which could amuse my imagination. It was not even +possible to form any, as my situation was precisely that in which all my +desires were united. I had not another to conceive, and yet there was a +void in my heart. This state was the more cruel, as I saw no other that +was to be preferred to it. I had fixed my most tender affections upon a +person who made me a return of her own. I lived with her without +constraint, and, so to speak, at discretion. Notwithstanding this, a +secret grief of mind never quitted me for a moment, either when she was +present or absent. In possessing Theresa, I still perceived she wanted +something to her happiness; and the sole idea of my not being everything +to her had such an effect upon my mind that she was next to nothing to +me. + +I had friends of both sexes, to whom I was attached by the purest +friendship and most perfect esteem; I depended upon a real return on +their part, and a doubt of their sincerity never entered my mind; yet +this friendship was more tormenting than agreeable to me, by their +obstinate perseverance and even by their affectation, in opposing my +taste, inclinations and manner of living; and this to such a degree, that +the moment I seemed to desire a thing which interested myself only, and +depended not upon them, they immediately joined their efforts to oblige +me to renounce it. This continued desire to control me in all my wishes, +the more unjust, as I did not so much as make myself acquainted with +theirs, became so cruelly oppressive, that I never received one of their +letters without feeling a certain terror as I opened it, and which was +but too well justified by the contents. I thought being treated like a +child by persons younger than myself, and who, of themselves, stood in +great need of the advice they so prodigally bestowed on me, was too much: +"Love me," said I to them, "as I love you, but, in every other respect, +let my affairs be as indifferent to you, as yours are to me: this is all +I ask." If they granted me one of these two requests, it was not the +latter. + +I had a retired residence in a charming solitude, was master of my own +house, and could live in it in the manner I thought proper, without being +controlled by any person. This habitation imposed on me duties agreeable +to discharge, but which were indispensable. My liberty was precarious. +In a greater state of subjection than a person at the command of another, +it was my duty to be so by inclination. When I arose in the morning, +I never could say to myself, I will employ this day as I think proper. +And, moreover, besides my being subject to obey the call of Madam +d'Epinay, I was exposed to the still more disagreeable importunities of +the public and chance comers. The distance I was at from Paris did not +prevent crowds of idlers, not knowing how to spend their time, from daily +breaking in upon me, and, without the least scruple, freely disposing of +mine. When I least expected visitors I was unmercifully assailed by +them, and I seldom made a plan for the agreeable employment of the day +that was not counteracted by the arrival of some stranger. + +In short, finding no real enjoyment in the midst of the pleasures I had +been most desirous to obtain, I, by sudden mental transitions, returned +in imagination to the serene days of my youth, and sometimes exclaimed +with a sigh: "Ah! this is not Les Charmettes!" + +The recollection of the different periods of my life led me to reflect +upon that at which I was arrived, and I found I was already on the +decline, a prey to painful disorders, and imagined I was approaching the +end of my days without having, tasted, in all its plentitude, scarcely +anyone of the pleasures after which my heart had so much thirsted, or +having given scope to the lively sentiments I felt it had in reserve. +I had not favored even that intoxicating voluptuousness with which my +mind was richly stored, and which, for want of an object, was always +compressed, an never exhaled but by signs. + +How was it possible that, with a mind naturally expansive, I, with whom +to live was to love, should not hitherto have found a friend entirely +devoted to me; a real friend: I who felt myself so capable of being such +a friend to another? How can it be accounted for that with such warm +affections, such combustible senses, and a heart wholly made up of love, +I had not once, at least, felt its flame for a determinate object? +Tormented by the want of loving, without ever having been able to satisfy +it, I perceived myself approaching the eve of old age, and hastening on +to death without having lived. + +These melancholy but affecting recollections led me to others, which, +although accompanied with regret, were not wholly unsatisfactory. I +thought something I had not yet received was still due to me from +destiny. + +To what end was I born with exquisite faculties? To suffer them to +remain unemployed? the sentiment of conscious merit, which made me +consider myself as suffering injustice, was some kind of reparation, and +caused me to shed tears which with pleasure I suffered to flow. + +These were my mediations during the finest season of the year, in the +month of June, in cool shades, to the songs of the nightingale, and the +warbling of brooks. Everything concurred in plunging me into that too +seducing state of indolence for which I was born, and from which my +austere manner, proceeding from a long effervescence, should forever have +delivered me. I unfortunately remembered the dinner of the Chateau de +Toune, and my meeting with the two charming girls in the same season, in +places much resembling that in which I then was. The remembrance of +these circumstances, which the innocence that accompanied them rendered +to me still more dear, brought several others of the nature to my +recollection. I presently saw myself surrounded by all the objects +which, in my youth, had given me emotion. Mademoiselle Galley, +Mademoiselle de Graffenried, Mademoiselle de Breil, Madam Basile, Madam +de Larnage, my pretty scholars, and even the bewitching Zulietta, whom my +heart could not forget. I found myself in the midst of a seraglio of +houris of my old acquaintance, for whom the most lively inclination was +not new to me. My blood became inflamed, my head turned, notwithstanding +my hair was almost gray, and the grave citizen of Geneva, the austere +Jean Jacques, at forty-five years of age, again became the fond shepherd. +The intoxication, with which my mind was seized, although sudden and +extravagant, was so strong and lasting, that, to enable me to recover +from it, nothing less than the unforeseen and terrible crisis it brought +on was necessary. + +This intoxication, to whatever degree it was carried, went not so far as +to make me forget my age and situation, to flatter me that I could still +inspire love, nor to make me attempt to communicate the devouring flame +by which ever since my youth I had felt my heart in vain consumed. For +this I did not hope; I did not even desire it. I knew the season of love +was past; I knew too well in what contempt the ridiculous pretensions of +superannuated gallants were held, ever to add one to the number, and I +was not a man to become an impudent coxcomb in the decline of life, after +having been so little such during the flower of my age. Besides, as a +friend to peace, I should have been apprehensive of domestic dissensions; +and I too sincerely loved Theresa to expose her to the mortification of +seeing me entertain for others more lively sentiments than those with +which she inspired me for herself. + +What step did I take upon this occasion? My reader will already have +guessed it, if he has taken the trouble to pay the least attention to my +narrative. The impossibility of attaining real beings threw me into the +regions of chimera, and seeing nothing in existence worthy of my +delirium, I sought food for it in the ideal world, which my imagination +quickly peopled with beings after my own heart. This resource never came +more apropos, nor was it ever so fertile. In my continual ecstasy I +intoxicated my mind with the most delicious sentiments that ever entered +the heart of man. Entirely forgetting the human species, I formed to +myself societies of perfect beings, whose virtues were as celestial as +their beauty, tender and faithful friends, such as I never found here +below. I became so fond of soaring in the empyrean, in the midst of the +charming objects with which I was surrounded, that I thus passed hours +and days without perceiving it; and, losing the remembrance of all other +things, I scarcely had eaten a morsel in haste before I was impatient to +make my escape and run to regain my groves. When ready to depart for the +enchanted world, I saw arrive wretched mortals who came to detain me upon +earth, I could neither conceal nor moderate my vexation; and no longer +master of myself, I gave them so uncivil a reception, that it might +justly be termed brutal. This tended to confirm my reputation as a +misanthrope, from the very cause which, could the world have read my +heart, should have acquired me one of a nature directly opposite. + +In the midst of my exultation I was pulled down like a paper kite, and +restored to my proper place by means of a smart attack of my disorder. +I recurred to the only means that had before given me relief, and thus +made a truce with my angelic amours; for besides that it seldom happens +that a man is amorous when he suffers, my imagination, which is animated +in the country and beneath the shade of trees, languishes and becomes +extinguished in a chamber, and under the joists of a ceiling. I +frequently regretted that there existed no dryads; it would certainly +have been amongst these that I should have fixed my attachment. + +Other domestic broils came at the same time to increase my chagrin. +Madam le Vasseur, while making me the finest compliments in the world, +alienated from me her daughter as much as she possibly could. I received +letters from my late neighborhood, informing me that the good old lady +had secretly contracted several debts in the name of Theresa, to whom +these became known, but of which she had never mentioned to me a word. +The debts to be paid hurt me much less than the secret that had been made +of them. How could she, for whom I had never had a secret, have one from +me? Is it possible to dissimulate with persons whom we love? The +'Coterie Holbachique', who found I never made a journey to Paris, began +seriously to be afraid I was happy and satisfied in the country, and +madman enough to reside there. + +Hence the cabals by which attempts were made to recall me indirectly to +the city. Diderot, who did not immediately wish to show himself, began +by detaching from me De Leyre, whom I had brought acquainted with him, +and who received and transmitted to me the impressions Diderot chose to +give without suspecting to what end they were directed. + +Everything seemed to concur in withdrawing me from my charming and mad +reverie. I was not recovered from the late attack I had when I received +the copy of the poem on the destruction of Lisbon, which I imagined to be +sent by the author. This made it necessary I should write to him and +speak of his composition. I did so, and my letter was a long time +afterwards printed without my consent, as I shall hereafter have occasion +to remark. + +Struck by seeing this poor man overwhelmed, if I may so speak, with +prosperity and honor, bitterly exclaiming against the miseries of this +life, and finding everything to be wrong, I formed the mad project of +making him turn his attention to himself, and of proving to him that +everything was right. Voltaire, while he appeared to believe in God, +never really believed in anything but the devil; since his pretended +deity is a malicious being, who, according to him, had no pleasure but in +evil. The glaring absurdity of this doctrine is particularly disgusting +from a man enjoying the greatest prosperity; who, from the bosom of +happiness, endeavors, by the frightful and cruel image of all the +calamities from which he is exempt, to reduce his fellow creatures to +despair. I, who had a better right than he to calculate and weigh all +the evils of human life, impartially examine them, and proved to him that +of all possible evils there was not one to be attributed to Providence, +and which had not its source rather in the abusive use man made of his +faculties than in nature. I treated him, in this letter, with the +greatest respect and delicacy possible. Yet, knowing his self-love to be +extremely irritable, I did not send the letter immediately to himself, +but to Doctor Tronchin, his physician and friend, with full power either +to give it him or destroy it. Voltaire informed me in a few lines that +being ill, having likewise the care of a sick person, he postponed his +answer until some future day, and said not a word on the subject. +Tronchin, when he sent me the letter, inclosed in it another, in which he +expressed but very little esteem for the person from whom he received it. + +I have never published, nor even shown, either of these two letters, not +liking to make a parade of such little triumphs; but the originals are in +my collections. Since that time Voltaire has published the answer he +promised me, but which I never received. This is the novel of 'Candide', +of which I cannot speak because I have not read it. + +All these interruptions ought to have cured me of my fantastic amours, +and they were perhaps the means offered me by Heaven to prevent their +destructive consequences; but my evil genius prevailed, and I had +scarcely begun to go out before my heart, my head, and my feet returned +to the same paths. I say the same in certain respects; for my ideas, +rather less exalted, remained this time upon earth, but yet were busied +in making so exquisite a choice of all that was to be found there amiable +of every kind, that it was not much less chimerical than the imaginary +world I had abandoned. + +I figured to myself love and friendship, the two idols of my heart, under +the most ravishing images. I amused myself in adorning them with all the +charms of the sex I had always adored. I imagined two female friends +rather than two of my own sex, because, although the example be more +rare, it is also more amiable. I endowed them with different characters, +but analogous to their connection, with two faces, not perfectly +beautiful, but according to my taste, and animated with benevolence and +sensibility. I made one brown and the other fair, one lively and the +other languishing, one wise and the other weak, but of so amiable a +weakness that it seemed to add a charm to virtue. I gave to one of the +two a lover, of whom the other was the tender friend, and even something +more, but I did not admit either rivalry, quarrels, or jealousy: because +every painful sentiment is painful for me to imagine, and I was unwilling +to tarnish this delightful picture by anything which was degrading to +nature. Smitten with my two charming models, I drew my own portrait in +the lover and the friend, as much as it was possible to do it; but I made +him young and amiable, giving him, at the same time, the virtues and the +defects which I felt in myself. + +That I might place my characters in a residence proper for them, I +successively passed in review the most beautiful places I had seen in my +travels. But I found no grove sufficiently delightful, no landscape that +pleased me. The valleys of Thessaly would have satisfied me had I but +once had a sight of them; but my imagination, fatigued with invention, +wished for some real place which might serve it as a point to rest upon, +and create in me an illusion with respect to the real existence of the +inhabitants I intended to place there. I thought a good while upon the +Boromean Islands, the delightful prospect of which had transported me, +but I found in them too much art and ornament for my lovers. I however +wanted a lake, and I concluded by making choice of that about which my +heart has never ceased to wander. I fixed myself upon that part of the +banks of this lake where my wishes have long since placed my residence in +the imaginary happiness to which fate has confined me. The native place +of my poor mamma had still for me a charm. The contrast of the +situations, the richness and variety of the sites, the magnificence, the +majesty of the whole, which ravishes the senses, affects, the heart, and +elevates the mind, determined me to give it the preference, and I placed +my young pupils at Vervey. This is what I imagined at the first sketch; +the rest was not added until afterwards. + +I for a long time confined myself to this vague plan, because it was +sufficient to fill my imagination with agreeable objects, and my heart +with sentiments in which it delighted. These fictions, by frequently +presenting themselves, at length gained a consistence, and took in my +mind a determined form. I then had an inclination to express upon paper +some of the situations fancy presented to me, and, recollecting +everything I had felt during my youth, thus, in some measure, gave an +object to that desire of loving, which I had never been able to satisfy, +and by which I felt myself consumed. + +I first wrote a few incoherent letters, and when I afterwards wished to +give them connection, I frequently found a difficulty in doing it. What +is scarcely credible, although most strictly true, is my having written +the first two parts almost wholly in this manner, without having any plan +formed, and not foreseeing I should one day be tempted to make it a +regular work. For this reason the two parts afterwards formed of +materials not prepared for the place in which they are disposed, are full +of unmeaning expressions not found in the others. + +In the midst of my reveries I had a visit from Madam d'Houdetot, the +first she had ever made me, but which unfortunately was not the last, as +will hereafter appear. The Comtesse d'Houdetot was the daughter of the +late M. de Bellegarde, a farmer-general, sister to M. d'Epinay, and +Messieurs de Lalive and De la Briche, both of whom have since been +introductors to ambassadors. I have spoken of the acquaintance I made +with her before she was married: since that event I had not seen her, +except at the fetes at La Chevrette, with Madam d'Epinay, her sister-in- +law. Having frequently passed several days with her, both at La +Chevrette and Epinay, I always thought her amiable, and that she seemed +to be my well-wisher. She was fond of walking with me; we were both good +walkers, and the conversation between us was inexhaustible. However, I +never went to see her in Paris, although she had several times requested +and solicited me to do it. Her connections with M. de St. Lambert, with +whom I began to be intimate, rendered her more interesting to me, and it +was to bring me some account of that friend who was, I believe, then at +Mahon, that she came to see me at the Hermitage. + +This visit had something of the appearance of the beginning of a romance. +She lost her way. Her coachman, quitting the road, which turned to the +right, attempted to cross straight over from the mill of Clairvaux to the +Hermitage: her carriage stuck in a quagmire in the bottom of the valley, +and she got out and walked the rest of the road. Her delicate shoes were +soon worn through; she sunk into the dirt, her servants had the greatest +difficulty in extricating her, and she at length arrived at the Hermitage +in boots, making the place resound with her laughter, in which I most +heartily joined. She had to change everything. Theresa provided her +with what was necessary, and I prevailed upon her to forget her dignity +and partake of a rustic collation, with which she seemed highly +satisfied. It was late, and her stay was short; but the interview was so +mirthful that it pleased her, and she seemed disposed to return. She did +not however put this project into execution until the next year: but, +alas! the delay was not favorable to me in anything. + +I passed the autumn in an employment no person would suspect me of +undertaking: this was guarding the fruit of M. d'Epinay. The Hermitage +was the reservoir of the waters of the park of the Chevrette; there was a +garden walled round and planted with espaliers and other trees, which +produced M. d'Epinay more fruit than his kitchen-garden at the Chevrette, +although three-fourths of it were stolen from him. That I might not be a +guest entirely useless, I took upon myself the direction of the garden +and the inspection of the conduct of the gardener. Everything went on +well until the fruit season, but as this became ripe, I observed that it +disappeared without knowing in what manner it was disposed of. The +gardener assured me it was the dormice which eat it all. I destroyed a +great number of these animals, notwithstanding which the fruit still +diminished. I watched the gardener's motions so narrowly, that I found +he was the great dormouse. He lodged at Montmorency, whence he came in +the night with his wife and children to take away the fruit he had +concealed in the daytime, and which he sold in the market at Paris as +publicly as if he had brought it from a garden of his own. The wretch +whom I loaded with kindness, whose children were clothed by Theresa, and +whose father, who was a beggar, I almost supported, robbed us with as +much ease as effrontery, not one of the three being sufficiently vigilant +to prevent him: and one night he emptied my cellar. + +Whilst he seemed to address himself to me only, I suffered everything, +but being desirous of giving an account of the fruit, I was obliged to +declare by whom a great part of it had been stolen. Madam d'Epinay +desired me to pay and discharge him, and look out for another; I did so. +As this rascal rambled about the Hermitage in the night, armed with a +thick club staff with an iron ferrule, and accompanied by other villains +like himself, to relieve the governesses from their fears, I made his +successor sleep in the house with us; and this not being sufficient to +remove their apprehensions, I sent to ask M. d'Epinay for a musket, which +I kept in the chamber of the gardener, with a charge not to make use of +it except an attempt was made to break open the door or scale the walls +of the garden, and to fire nothing but powder, meaning only to frighten +the thieves. This was certainly the least precaution a man indisposed +could take for the common safety of himself and family, having to pass +the winter in the midst of a wood, with two timid women. I also procured +a little dog to serve as a sentinel. De Leyre coming to see me about +this time, I related to him my situation, and we laughed together at my +military apparatus. At his return to Paris he wished to amuse Diderot +with the story, and by this means the 'Coterie d'Holbachique' learned +that I was seriously resolved to pass the winter at the Hermitage. This +perseverance, of which they had not imagined me to be capable, +disconcerted them, and, until they could think of some other means of +making my residence disagreeable to me, they sent back, by means of +Diderot, the same De Leyre, who, though at first he had thought my +precautions quite natural, now pretended to discover that they were +inconsistent with my principles, and styled them more than ridiculous in +his letters, in which he overwhelmed me with pleasantries sufficiently +bitter and satirical to offend me had I been the least disposed to take +offence. But at that time being full of tender and affectionate +sentiments, and not susceptible of any other, I perceived in his biting +sarcasms nothing more than a jest, and believed him only jocose when +others would have thought him mad. + +By my care and vigilance I guarded the garden so well, that, although +there had been but little fruit that year the produce was triple that of +the preceding years; it is true, I spared no pains to preserve it, and I +went so far as to escort what I sent to the Chevrette and to Epinay, and +to carry baskets of it myself. The aunt and I carried one of these, +which was so heavy that we were obliged to rest at every dozen steps, and +which we arrived with it we were quite wet with perspiration. + +As soon as the bad season began to confine me to the house, I wished to +return to my indolent amusements, but this I found impossible. I had +everywhere two charming female friends before my eyes, their friend, +everything by which they were surrounded, the country they inhabited, and +the objects created or embellished for them by my imagination. I was no +longer myself for a moment, my delirium never left me. After many +useless efforts to banish all fictions from my mind, they at length +seduced me, and my future endeavors were confined to giving them order +and coherence, for the purpose of converting them into a species of +novel. + +What embarrassed me most was, that I had contradicted myself so openly +and fully. After the severe principles I had just so publicly asserted, +after the austere maxims I had so loudly preached, and my violent +invectives against books, which breathed nothing but effeminacy and love, +could anything be less expected or more extraordinary, than to see me, +with my own hand, write my name in the list of authors of those books I +had so severely censured? I felt this incoherence in all its extent. I +reproached myself with it, I blushed at it and was vexed; but all this +could not bring me back to reason. Completely overcome, I was at all +risks obliged to submit, and to resolve to brave the What will the world +say of it? Except only deliberating afterwards whether or not I should +show my work, for I did not yet suppose I should ever determine to +publish it. + +This resolution taken, I entirely abandoned myself to my reveries, and, +by frequently resolving these in my mind, formed with them the kind of +plan of which the execution has been seen. This was certainly the +greatest advantage that could be drawn from my follies; the love of good +which has never once been effaced from my heart, turned them towards +useful objects, the moral of which might have produced its good effects. +My voluptuous descriptions would have lost all their graces, had they +been devoid of the coloring of innocence. + +A weak girl is an object of pity, whom love may render interesting, and +who frequently is not therefore the less amiable; but who can see without +indignation the manners of the age; and what is more disgusting than the +pride of an unchaste wife, who, openly treading under foot every duty, +pretends that her husband ought to be grateful for her unwillingness to +suffer herself to be taken in the fact? Perfect beings are not in +nature, and their examples are not near enough to us. But whoever says +that the description of a young person born with good dispositions, and a +heart equally tender and virtuous, who suffers herself, when a girl, to +be overcome by love, and when a woman, has resolution enough to conquer +in her turn, is upon the whole scandalous and useless, is a liar and a +hypocrite; hearken not to him. + +Besides this object of morality and conjugal chastity which is radically +connected with all social order, I had in view one more secret in behalf +of concord and public peace, a greater, and perhaps more important object +in itself, at least for the moment for which it was created. The storm +brought on by the 'Encyclopedie', far from being appeased, was at the +time at its height. Two parties exasperated against each other to the +last degree of fury soon resembled enraged wolves, set on for their +mutual destruction, rather than Christians and philosophers, who had a +reciprocal wish to enlighten and convince each other, and lead their +brethren to the way of truth. Perhaps nothing more was wanting to each +party than a few turbulent chiefs, who possessed a little power, to make +this quarrel terminate in a civil war; and God only knows what a civil +war of religion founded on each side upon the most cruel intolerance +would have produced. Naturally an enemy to all spirit of party, I had +freely spoken severe truths to each, of which they had not listened. +I thought of another expedient, which, in my simplicity, appeared to me +admirable: this was to abate their reciprocal hatred by destroying their +prejudices, and showing to each party the virtue and merit which in the +other was worthy of public esteem and respect. This project, little +remarkable for its wisdom, which supported sincerity in mankind, and +whereby I fell into the error with which I reproached the Abbe de Saint +Pierre, had the success that was to be expected from it: It drew together +and united the parties for no other purpose than that of crushing the +author. Until experience made me discover my folly, I gave my attention +to it with a zeal worthy of the motive by which I was inspired; and I +imagined the two characters of Wolmar and Julia in an ecstasy, which made +me hope to render them both amiable, and, what is still more, by means of +each other. + +Satisfied with having made a rough sketch of my plan, I returned to the +situations in detail, which I had marked out; and from the arrangement I +gave them resulted the first two parts of the Eloisa, which I finished +during the winter with inexpressible pleasure, procuring gilt-paper to +receive a fair copy of them, azure and silver powder to dry the writing, +and blue narrow ribbon to tack my sheets together; in a word, I thought +nothing sufficiently elegant and delicate for my two charming girls, +of whom, like another Pygmalion, I became madly enamoured. Every +evening, by the fireside, I read the two parts to the governesses. The +daughter, without saying a word, was like myself moved to tenderness, +and we mingled our sighs; her mother, finding there were no compliments, +understood nothing of the matter, remained unmoved, and at the intervals +when I was silent always repeated: "Sir, that is very fine." + +Madam d'Epinay, uneasy at my being alone, in winter, in a solitary house, +in the midst of woods, often sent to inquire after my health. I never +had such real proofs of her friendship for me, to which mine never more +fully answered. It would be wrong in me were not I, among these proofs, +to make special mention of her portrait, which she sent me, at the same +time requesting instructions from me in what manner she might have mine, +painted by La Tour, and which had been shown at the exhibition. I ought +equally to speak of another proof of her attention to me, which, although +it be laughable, is a feature in the history of my character, on account +of the impression received from it. One day when it froze to an extreme +degree, in opening a packet she had sent me of several things I had +desired her to purchase for me, I found a little under-petticoat of +English flannel, which she told me she had worn, and desired I would make +of it an under-waistcoat. + +This care, more than friendly, appeared to me so tender, and as if she +had stripped herself to clothe me, that in my emotion I repeatedly +kissed, shedding tears at the same time, both the note and the petticoat. +Theresa thought me mad. It is singular that of all the marks of +friendship Madam d'Epinay ever showed me this touched me the most, and +that ever since our rupture I have never recollected it without being +very sensibly affected. I for a long time preserved her little note, and +it would still have been in my possession had not it shared the fate of +my other notes received at the same period. + +Although my disorder then gave me but little respite in winter, and a +part of the interval was employed in seeking relief from pain, this was +still upon the whole the season which since my residence in France I had +passed with most pleasure and tranquillity. During four or five months, +whilst the bad weather sheltered me from the interruptions of importunate +visits, I tasted to a greater degree than I had ever yet or have since +done, of that equal simple and independent life, the enjoyment of which +still made it more desirable to me; without any other company than the +two governesses in reality, and the two female cousins in idea. It was +then especially that I daily congratulated myself upon the resolution I +had had the good sense to take, unmindful of the clamors of my friends, +who were vexed at seeing me delivered from their tyranny; and when I +heard of the attempt of a madman, when De Leyre and Madam d'Epinay spoke +to me in letters of the trouble and agitation which reigned in Paris, how +thankful was I to Heaven for having placed me at a distance from all such +spectacles of horror and guilt. These would have been continued and +increased the bilious humor which the sight of public disorders had given +me; whilst seeing nothing around me in my retirement but gay and pleasing +objects, my heart was wholly abandoned to sentiments which were amiable. + +I remark here with pleasure the course of the last peaceful moments that +were left me. The spring succeeding to this winter, which had been so +calm, developed the germ of the misfortunes I have yet to describe; in +the tissue of which, alike interval, wherein I had leisure to respite, +will not be found. + +I think however, I recollect, that during this interval of peace, and in +the bosom of my solitude, I was not quite undisturbed by the Holbachiens. +Diderot stirred me up some strife, and I am much deceived if it was not +in the course of this winter that the 'Fils Naturel'--[Natural Son]-- of +which I shall soon have occasion to speak, made its appearance. +Independently of the causes which left me but few papers relative to that +period, those even which I have been able to preserve are not very exact +with respect to dates. Diderot never dated his letters--Madam d'Epinay +and Madam d' Houdetot seldom dated theirs except the day of the week, and +De Leyre mostly confined himself to the same rules. When I was desirous +of putting these letters in order I was obliged to supply what was +wanting by guessing at dates, so uncertain that I cannot depend upon +them. Unable therefore to fix with certainty the beginning of these +quarrels, I prefer relating in one subsequent article everything I can +recollect concerning them. + +The return of spring had increased my amorous delirium, and in my +melancholy, occasioned by the excess of my transports, I had composed for +the last parts of Eloisa several letters, wherein evident marks of the +rapture in which I wrote them are found. Amongst others I may quote +those from the Elysium, and the excursion upon the lake, which, if my +memory does not deceive me, are at the end of the fourth part. Whoever, +in reading these letters, does not feel his heart soften and melt into +the tenderness by which they were dictated, ought to lay down the book: +nature has refused him the means of judging of sentiment. + +Precisely at the same time I received a second unforeseen visit from +Madam d'Houdetot, in the absence of her husband, who was captain of the +Gendarmarie, and of her lover, who was also in the service. She had come +to Eaubonne, in the middle of the Valley of Montmorency, where she had +taken a pretty house, from thence she made a new excursion to the +Hermitage. She came on horseback, and dressed in men's clothes. +Although I am not very fond of this kind of masquerade, I was struck with +the romantic appearance she made, and, for once, it was with love. As +this was the first and only time in all my life, the consequence of which +will forever render it terrible to my remembrance, I must take the +permission to enter into some particulars on the subject. + +The Countess d'Houdetot was nearly thirty years of age, and not handsome; +her face was marked with the smallpox, her complexion coarse, she was +short-sighted, and her eyes were rather round; but she had fine long +black hair, which hung down in natural curls below her waist; her figure +was agreeable, and she was at once both awkward and graceful in her +motions; her wit was natural and pleasing; to this gayety, heedlessness +and ingenuousness were perfectly suited: she abounded in charming +sallies, after which she so little sought, that they sometimes escaped +her lips in spite of herself. She possessed several agreeable talents, +played the harpsichord, danced well, and wrote pleasing poetry. Her +character was angelic--this was founded upon a sweetness of mind, and +except prudence and fortitude, contained in it every virtue. She was +besides so much to be depended upon in all intercourse, so faithful in +society, even her enemies were not under the necessity of concealing from +her their secrets. I mean by her enemies the men, or rather the women, +by whom she was not beloved; for as to herself she had not a heart +capable of hatred, and I am of opinion this conformity with mine greatly +contributed towards inspiring me with a passion for her. In confidence +of the most intimate friendship, I never heard her speak ill of persons +who were absent, nor even of her sister-in-law. She could neither +conceal her thoughts from anyone, nor disguise any of her sentiments, and +I am persuaded she spoke of her lover to her husband, as she spoke of him +to her friends and acquaintances, and to everybody without distinction of +persons. What proved, beyond all manner of doubt, the purity and +sincerity of her nature was, that subject to very extraordinary absences +of mind, and the most laughable inconsiderateness, she was often guilty +of some very imprudent ones with respect to herself, but never in the +least offensive to any person whatsoever. + +She had been married very young and against her inclinations to the Comte +d'Houdetot, a man of fashion, and a good officer; but a man who loved +play and chicane, who was not very amiable, and whom she never loved. +She found in M. de Saint Lambert all the merit of her husband, with more +ageeeable qualities of mind, joined with virtue and talents. If anything +in the manners of the age can be pardoned, it is an attachment which +duration renders more pure, to which its effects do honor, and which +becomes cemented by reciprocal esteem. It was a little from inclination, +as I am disposed to think, but much more to please Saint Lambert, that +she came to see me. He had requested her to do it, and there was reason +to believe the friendship which began to be established between us would +render this society agreeable to all three. She knew I was acquainted +with their connection, and as she could speak to me without restraint, it +was natural she should find my conversation agreeable. She came; I saw +her; I was intoxicated with love without an object; this intoxication +fascinated my eyes; the object fixed itself upon her. I saw my Julia in +Madam d'Houdetot, and I soon saw nothing but Madam d'Houdetot, but with +all the perfections with which I had just adorned the idol of my heart. +To complete my delirium she spoke to me of Saint Lambert with a fondness +of a passionate lover. Contagious force of love! while listening to her, +and finding myself near her, I was seized with a delicious trembling, +which I had never before experienced when near to any person whatsoever. +She spoke, and I felt myself affected; I thought I was nothing more than +interested in her sentiments, when I perceived I possessed those which +were similar; I drank freely of the poisoned cup, of which I yet tasted +nothing more than the sweetness. Finally, imperceptibly to us both, she +inspired me for herself with all she expressed for her lover. Alas! it +was very late in life, and cruel was it to consume with a passion not +less violent than unfortunate for a woman whose heart was already in the +possession of another. + +Notwithstanding the extraordinary emotions I had felt when near to her, +I did not at first perceive what had happened to me; it was not until +after her departure that, wishing to think of Julia, I was struck with +surprise at being unable to think of anything but Madam d' Houdetot. +Then was it my eyes were opened: I felt my misfortune, and lamented what +had happened, but I did not foresee the consequences. + +I hesitated a long time on the manner in which I should conduct myself +towards her, as if real love left behind it sufficient reason to +deliberate and act accordingly. I had not yet determined upon this when +she unexpectedly returned and found me unprovided. It was this time, +perfectly acquainted with my situation, shame, the companion of evil, +rendered me dumb, and made me tremble in her presence; I neither dared to +open my mouth or raise my eyes; I was in an inexpressible confusion which +it was impossible she should not perceive. I resolved to confess to her +my troubled state of mind, and left her to guess the cause whence it +proceeded: this was telling her in terms sufficiently clear. + +Had I been young and amiable, and Madam d' Houdetot, afterwards weak, +I should here blame her conduct; but this was not the case, and I am +obliged to applaud and admire it. The resolution she took was equally +prudent and generous. She could not suddenly break with me without +giving her reasons for it to Saint Lambert, who himself had desired her +to come and see me; this would have exposed two friends to a rupture, +and perhaps a public one, which she wished to avoid. She had for me +esteem and good wishes; she pitied my folly without encouraging it, +and endeavored to restore me to reason. She was glad to preserve to her +lover and herself a friend for whom she had some respect; and she spoke +of nothing with more pleasure than the intimate and agreeable society we +might form between us three the moment I should become reasonable. +She did not always confine herself to these friendly exhortations, and, +in case of need, did not spare me more severe reproaches, which I had +richly deserved. + +I spared myself still less: the moment I was alone I began to recover; +I was more calm after my declaration--love, known to the person by whom +it is inspired, becomes more supportable. + +The forcible manner in which I approached myself with mine, ought to have +cured me of it had the thing been possible. What powerful motives did I +not call to my mind to stifle it? My morals, sentiments and principles; +the shame, the treachery and crime, of abusing what was confided to +friendship, and the ridiculousness of burning, at my age, with the most +extravagant passion for an object whose heart was preengaged, and who +could neither make me a return, nor least hope; moreover with a passion +which, far from having anything to gain by constancy, daily became less +sufferable. + +We would imagine that the last consideration which ought to have added +weight to all the others, was that whereby I eluded them! What scruple, +thought I, ought I to make of a folly prejudicial to nobody but myself? +Am I then a young man of whom Madam d'Houdetot ought to be afraid? Would +not it be said by my presumptive remorse that, by my gallantry, manner +and dress, I was going to seduce her? Poor Jean Jacques, love on at thy +ease, in all safety of conscience, and be not afraid that thy sighs will +be prejudicial to Saint Lambert. + +It has been seen that I never was a coxcomb, not even in my youth. The +manner of thinking, of which I have spoken, was according to my turn of +mind, it flattered my passions; this, was sufficient to induce me to +abandon myself to it without reserve, and to laugh even at the +impertinent scruple I thought I had made from vanity, rather than from +reason. This is a great lesson for virtuous minds, which vice never +attacks openly; it finds means to surprise them by masking itself with +sophisms, and not unfrequently with a virtue. + +Guilty without remorse, I soon became so without measure; and I entreat +it may be observed in what manner my passion followed my nature, at +length to plunge me into an abyss. In the first place, it assumed the +air of humility to encourage me; and to render me intrepid it carried +this humility even to mistrust. Madam d'Houdetot incessantly putting in +mind of my duty, without once for a single moment flattering my folly, +treated me with the greatest mildness, and remained with me upon the +footing of the most tender friendship. This friendship would, I protest, +have satisfied my wishes, had I thought it sincere; but finding it too +strong to be real, I took it into my head that love, so ill-suited to my +age and appearance, had rendered me contemptible in the eyes of Madam +d'Houdetot; that this young mad creature only wished to divert herself +with me and my superannuated passion; that she had communicated this to +Saint Lambert; and that the indignation caused by my breach of +friendship, having made her lover enter into her views, they were agreed +to turn my head and then to laugh at me. This folly, which at twenty-six +years of age, had made me guilty of some extravagant behavior to Madam de +Larnage, whom I did not know, would have been pardonable in me at forty- +five with Madam d' Houdetot had not I known that she and her lover were +persons of too much uprightness to indulge themselves in such a barbarous +amusement. + +Madam d' Houdetot continued her visits, which I delayed not to return. +She, as well as myself, was fond of walking, and we took long walks in an +enchanting country. Satisfied with loving and daring to say I loved, I +should have been in the most agreeable situation had not my extravagance +spoiled all the charm of it. She, at first, could not comprehend the +foolish pettishness with which I received her attentions; but my heart, +incapable of concealing what passed in it, did not long leave her +ignorant of my suspicions; she endeavored to laugh at them, but this +expedient did not succeed; transports of rage would have been the +consequence, and she changed her tone. Her compassionate gentleness was +invincible; she made me reproaches, which penetrated my heart; she +expressed an inquietude at my unjust fears, of which I took advantage. +I required proofs of her being in earnest. She perceived there was no +other means of relieving me from my apprehensions. I became pressing: +the step was delicate. It is astonishing, and perhaps without example, +that a woman having suffered herself to be brought to hesitate should +have got herself off so well. She refused me nothing the most tender +friendship could grant; yet she granted me nothing that rendered her +unfaithful, and I had the mortification to see that the disorder into +which the most trifling favors had thrown all my senses had not the least +effect upon hers. + +I have somewhere said, that nothing should be granted to the senses, when +we wished to refuse them anything. To prove how false this maxim was +relative to Madam d' Houdetot, and how far she was right to depend upon +her own strength of mind, it would be necessary to enter into the detail +of our long and frequent conversations, and follow them, in all their +liveliness during the four months we passed together in an intimacy +almost without example between two friends of different sexes who contain +themselves within the bounds which we never exceeded. Ah! if I had lived +so long without feeling the power of real love, my heart and senses +abundantly paid the arrears. What, therefore, are the transports we feel +with the object of our affections by whom we are beloved, since the +passions of which my idol did not partake inspired such as I felt? + +But I am wrong in saying Madam Houdetot did not partake of the passion of +love; that which I felt was in some measure confined to myself; yet love +was equal on both sides, but not reciprocal. We were both intoxicated +with the passion, she for her lover, and I for herself; our sighs and +delicious tears were mingled together. Tender confidants of the secrets +of each other, there was so great a similarity in our sentiments that it +was impossible they should not find some common point of union. In the +midst of this delicious intoxication, she never forgot herself for a +moment, and I solemnly protest that, if ever, led away by my senses, +I have attempted to render her unfaithful, I was never really desirous +of succeeding. The vehemence itself of my passion restrained it within +bounds. The duty of self-denial had elevated my mind. The lustre of +every virture adorned in my eyes the idol of my heart; to have soiled +their divine image would have been to destroy it. I might have committed +the crime; it has been a hundred times committed in my heart; but to +dishonor my Sophia! Ah! was this ever possible? No! I have told her a +hundred times it was not. Had I had it in my power to satisfy my +desires, had she consented to commit herself to my discretion, I should, +except in a few moments of delirium, have refused to be happy at the +price of her honor. I loved her too well to wish to possess her. + +The distance from the Hermitage to Raubonne is almost a league; in my +frequent excursions to it I have sometimes slept there. One evening +after having supped tete-a-tete we went to walk in the garden by a fine +moonlight. At the bottom of the garden a considerable copse, through +which we passed on our way to a pretty grove ornamented with a cascade, +of which I had given her the idea, and she had procured it to be executed +accordingly. + +Eternal remembrance of innocence and enjoyment! It was in this grove +that, seated by her side upon a seat of turf under an acacia in full +bloom, I found for the emotions of my heart a language worthy of them. +It was the first and only time of my life; but I was sublime: if +everything amiable and seducing with which the most tender and ardent +love can inspire the heart of man can be so called. What intoxicating +tears did I shed upon her knees! how many did I make her to shed +involuntarily! At length in an involuntary transport she exclaimed: +"No, never was a man so amiable, nor ever was there one who loved like +you! But your friend Saint Lambert hears us, and my heart is incapable +of loving twice." I exhausted myself with sighs; I embraced her--what an +embrace! But this was all. She had lived alone for the last six months, +that is absent from her husband and lover; I had seen her almost every +day during three months, and love seldom failed to make a third. We had +supped tete-a-tete, we were alone, in the grove by moonlight, and after +two hours of the most lively and tender conversation, she left this grove +at midnight, and the arms of her lover, as morally and physically pure as +she had entered it. Reader, weigh all these circumstances; I will add +nothing more. + +Do not, however, imagine that in this situation my passions left me as +undisturbed as I was with Theresa and mamma. I have already observed +I was this time inspired not only with love, but with love and all its +energy and fury. I will not describe either the agitations, tremblings, +palpitations, convulsionary emotions, nor faintings of the heart, +I continually experienced; these may be judged of by the effect her image +alone made upon me. I have observed the distance from the Hermitage to +Eaubonne was considerable; I went by the hills of Andilly, which are +delightful; I mused, as I walked, on her whom I was going to see, the +charming reception she would give me, and upon the kiss which awaited me +at my arrival. This single kiss, this pernicious embrace, even before +I received it, inflamed my blood to such a degree as to affect my head, +my eyes were dazzled, my knees trembled, and were unable to support me; +I was obliged to stop and sit down; my whole frame was in inconceivable +disorder, and I was upon the point of fainting. Knowing the danger, +I endeavored at setting out to divert my attention from the object, +and think of something else. I had not proceeded twenty steps before the +same recollection, and all that was the consequence of it, assailed me in +such a manner that it was impossible to avoid them, and in spite of all +my efforts I do not believe I ever made this little excursion alone with +impunity. I arrived at Eaubonne, weak, exhausted, and scarcely able to +support myself. The moment I saw her everything was repaired; all I felt +in her presence was the importunity of an inexhaustible and useless +ardor. Upon the road to Raubonne there was a pleasant terrace called +Mont Olympe, at which we sometimes met. I arrived first, it was proper I +should wait for her; but how dear this waiting cost me! To divert my +attention, I endeavored to write with my pencil billets, which I could +have written with the purest drops of my blood; I never could finish one +which was eligible. When she found a note in the niche upon which we had +agreed, all she learned from the contents was the deplorable state in +which I was when I wrote it. This state and its continuation, during +three months of irritation and self-denial, so exhausted me, that I was +several years before I recovered from it, and at the end of these it left +me an ailment which I shall carry with me, or which will carry me to the +grave. Such was the sole enjoyment of a man of the most combustible +constitution, but who was, at the same time, perhaps, one of the most +timid mortals nature ever produced. Such were the last happy days I can +reckon upon earth; at the end of these began the long train of evils, in +which there will be found but little interruption. + +It has been seen that, during the whole course of my life, my heart, as +transparent as crystal, has never been capable of concealing for the +space of a moment any sentiment in the least lively which had taken +refuge in it. It will therefore be judged whether or not it was possible +for me long to conceal my affection for Madam d'Houdetot. Our intimacy +struck the eyes of everybody, we did not make of it either a secret or a +mystery. It was not of a nature to require any such precaution, and as +Madam d'Houdetot had for me the most tender friendship with which she did +not reproach herself, and I for her an esteem with the justice of which +nobody was better acquainted than myself; she frank, absent, heedless; I +true, awkward, haughty, impatient and choleric; We exposed ourselves more +in deceitful security than we should have done had we been culpable. We +both went to the Chevrette; we sometimes met there by appointment. We +lived there according to our accustomed manner; walking together every +day talking of our amours, our duties, our friend, and our innocent +projects; all this in the park opposite the apartment of Madam d'Epinay, +under her windows, whence incessantly examining us, and thinking herself +braved, she by her eyes filled her heart with rage and indignation. + +Women have the art of concealing their anger, especially when it is +great. Madam d'Epinay, violent but deliberate, possessed this art to an +eminent degree. She feigned not to see or suspect anything, and at the +same time that she doubled towards me her cares, attention, and +allurements, she affected to load her sister-in-law with incivilities +and marks of disdain, which she seemingly wished to communicate to me. +It will easily be imagined she did not succeed; but I was on the rack. +Torn by opposite passions, at the same time that I was sensible of her +caresses, I could scarcely contain my anger when I saw her wanting in +good manners to Madam d'Houdetot. The angelic sweetness of this lady +made her endure everything without complaint, or even without being +offended. + +She was, in fact, so absent, and always so little attentive to these +things, that half the time she did not perceive them. + +I was so taken up with my passion, that, seeing nothing but Sophia +(one of the names of Madam d'Houdetot),I did not perceive that I was +become the laughing-stock of the whole house, and all those who came to +it. The Baron d'Holbach, who never, as I heard of, had been at the +Chevrette, was one of the latter. Had I at that time been as mistrustful +as I am since become, I should strongly have suspected Madam d'Epinay to +have contrived this journey to give the baron the amusing spectacle of an +amorous citizen. But I was then so stupid that I saw not that even which +was glaring to everybody. My stupidity did not, however, prevent me from +finding in the baron a more jovial and satisfied appearance than +ordinary. Instead of looking upon me with his usual moroseness, he said +to me a hundred jocose things without my knowing what he meant. Surprise +was painted in my countenance, but I answered not a word: Madam d'Epinay +shook her sides with laughing; I knew not what possessed them. +As nothing yet passed the bounds of pleasantry, the best thing I could +had done, had I been in the secret, would have been to have humored the +joke. It is true I perceived amid the rallying gayety of the baron, +that his eyes sparkled with a malicious joy, which could have given me +pain had I then remarked it to the degree it has since occurred to my +recollection. + +One day when I went to see Madam d'Houdetot, at Eaubonne, after her +return from one of her journeys to Paris, I found her melancholy, and +observed that she had been weeping. I was obliged to put a restraint on +myself, because Madam de Blainville, sister to her husband, was present; +but the moment I found an opportunity, I expressed to her my uneasiness. +"Ah," said she, with a sigh, "I am much afraid your follies will cost me +the repose of the rest of my days. St. Lambert has been informed of what +has passed, and ill informed of it. He does me justice, but he is vexed; +and what is still worse, he conceals from me a part of his vexation. +Fortunately I have not concealed from him anything relative to our +connection which was formed under his auspices. My letters, like my +heart, were full of yourself; I made him acquainted with everything, +except your extravagant passion, of which I hoped to cure you; and which +he imputes to me as a crime. Somebody has done us ill offices. I have +been injured, but what does this signify? Either let us entirely break +with each other, or do you be what you ought to be. I will not in future +have anything to conceal from my lover." + +This was the first moment in which I was sensible of the shame of feeling +myself humbled by the sentiment of my fault, in presence of a young woman +of whose just reproaches I approved, and to whom I ought to have been a +mentor. The indignation I felt against myself would, perhaps, have been +sufficient to overcome my weakness, had not the tender passion inspired +me by the victim of it, again softened my heart. Alas! was this a moment +to harden it when it was overflowed by the tears which penetrated it in +every part? This tenderness was soon changed into rage against the vile +informers, who had seen nothing but the evil of a criminal but +involuntary sentiment, without believing or even imagining the sincere +uprightness of heart by which it was counteracted. We did not remain +long in doubt about the hand by which the blow was directed. + +We both knew that Madam d'Epinay corresponded with St. Lambert. This was +not the first storm she had raised up against Madam d'Houdetot, from whom +she had made a thousand efforts to detach her lover, the success of some +of which made the consequences to be dreaded. Besides, Grimm, who, I +think, had accompanied M. de Castries to the army, was in Westphalia, as +well as Saint Lambert; they sometimes visited. Grimm had made some +attempts on Madam d'Houdetot, which had not succeeded, and being +extremely piqued, suddenly discontinued his visits to her. Let it be +judged with what calmness, modest as he is known to be, he supposed she +preferred to him a man older than himself, and of whom, since he had +frequented the great, he had never spoken but as a person whom he +patronized. + +My suspicions of Madam d'Epinay were changed into a certainty the moment +I heard what had passed in my own house. When I was at the Chevrette, +Theresa frequently came there, either to bring me letters or to pay me +that attention which my ill state of health rendered necessary. Madam +d'Epinay had asked her if Madam d'Houdetot and I did not write to each +other. Upon her answering in the affirmative, Madam d'Epinay pressed her +to give her the letters of Madam d'Houdetot, assuring her that she would +reseal them in such a manner as it should never be known. Theresa, +without showing how much she was shocked at the proposition, and without +even putting me upon my guard, did nothing more than seal the letters she +brought me more carefully; a lucky precaution, for Madam d'Epinay had her +watched when she arrived, and, waiting for her in the passage, several +times carried her audaciousness as far as to examine her tucker. She did +more even than this: having one day invited herself with M. de Margency +to dinner at the Hermitage, for the first time since I resided there, +she seized the moment I was walking with Margency to go into my closet +with the mother and daughter, and to press them to show her the letters +of Madam d'Houdetot. Had the mother known where the letters were, they +would have been given to her; fortunately, the daughter was the only +person who was in the secret, and denied my having preserved any one of +them. A virtuous, faithful and generous falsehood; whilst truth would +have been a perfidy. Madam d' Epinay, perceiving Theresa was not to be +seduced, endeavored to irritate her by jealousy, reproaching her with her +easy temper and blindness. "How is it possible," said she to her, "you +cannot perceive there is a criminal intercourse between them? If besides +what strikes your eyes you stand in need of other proofs, lend your +assistance to obtain that which may furnish them; you say he tears the +letters from Madam d'Houdetot as soon as he has read them. Well, +carefully gather up the pieces and give them to me; I will take upon +myself to put them together." + +Such were the lessons my friend gave to the partner of my bed. + +Theresa had the discretion to conceal from me, for a considerable time, +all these attempts; but perceiving how much I was perplexed, she thought +herself obliged to inform me of everything, to the end that knowing with +whom I had to do, I might take my measures accordingly. My rage and +indignation are not to be described. Instead of dissembling with Madam +d'Epinay, according to her own example, and making use of counterplots, +I abandoned myself without reserve to the natural impetuosity of my +temper; and with my accustomed inconsiderateness came to an open rupture. +My imprudence will be judged of by the following letters, which +sufficiently show the manner of proceeding of both parties on this +occasion: + +NOTE FROM MADAM D'EPINAY. +"Why, my dear friend, do I not see you? You make me uneasy. You have so +often promised me to do nothing but go and come between this place and +the Hermitage! In this I have left you at liberty; and you have suffered +a week to pass without coming. Had not I been told you were well I +should have imagined the contrary. I expected you either the day before +yesterday, or yesterday, but found myself disappointed. My God, what is +the matter with you? You have no business, nor can you have any +uneasiness; for had this been the case, I flatter myself you would have +come and communicated it to me. You are, therefore, ill! Relieve me, +I beseech you, speedily from my fears. Adieu, my dear friend: let this +adieu produce me a good-morning from you." + +ANSWER. +"I cannot yet say anything to you. I wait to be better informed, and +this I shall be sooner or later. In the meantime be persuaded that +innocence will find a defender sufficiently powerful to cause some +repentance in the slanderers, be they who they may." + +SECOND NOTE FROM THE SAME. +"Do you know that your letter frightens me? What does it mean? I have +read it twenty times. In truth I do not understand what it means. All I +can perceive is, that you are uneasy and tormented, and that you wait +until you are no longer so before you speak to me upon the subject. +Is this, my dear friend, what we agreed upon? What then is become of +that friendship and confidence, and by what means have I lost them? +Is it with me or for me that you are angry? However this may be, come to +me this evening I conjure you; remember you promised me no longer than a +week ago to let nothing remain upon your mind, but immediately to +communicate to me whatever might make it uneasy. My dear friend, I live +in that confidence--There--I have just read your letter again; I do not +understand the contents better, but they make me tremble. You seem to be +cruelly agitated. I could wish to calm your mind, but as I am ignorant +of the cause whence your uneasiness arises, I know not what to say, +except that I am as wretched as yourself, and shall remain so until we +meet. If you are not here this evening at six o'clock, I set off to +morrow for the Hermitage, let the weather be how it will, and in whatever +state of health I may be; for I can no longer support the inquietude I +now feel. Good day, my dear friend, at all risks I take the liberty to +tell you, without knowing whether or not you are in need of such advice, +to endeavor to stop the progress uneasiness makes in solitude. A fly be +comes a monster. I have frequently experienced it." + +ANSWER. +"I can neither come to see you nor receive your visit so long as my +present inquietude continues. The confidence of which you speak no +longer exists, and it will be easy for you to recover it. I see nothing +more in your present anxiety than the desire of drawing from the +confessions of others some advantage agreeable to your views; and my +heart, so ready to pour its overflowings into another which opens itself +to receive them, is shut against trick and cunning. I distinguish your +ordinary address in the difficulty you find in understanding my note. +Do you think me dupe enough to believe you have not comprehended what it +meant? No: but I shall know how to overcome your subtleties by my +frankness. I will explain myself more clearly, that you may understand +me still less. + +"Two lovers closely united and worthy of each other's love are dear to +me; I expect you will not know who I mean unless I name them. I presume +attempts have been made to disunite them, and that I have been made use +of to inspire one of the two with jealousy. The choice was not +judicious, but it appeared convenient to the purposes of malice, and of +this malice it is you whom I suspect to be guilty. I hope this becomes +more clear. + +"Thus the woman whom I most esteem would, with my knowledge, have been +loaded with the infamy of dividing her heart and person between two +lovers, and I with that of being one of these wretches. If I knew that, +for a single moment in your life, you ever had thought this, either of +her or myself, I should hate you until my last hour. But it is with +having said, and not with having thought it, that I charge you. In this +case, I cannot comprehend which of the three you wished to injure; but, +if you love peace of mind, tremble lest you should have succeeded. +I have not concealed either from you or her all the ill I think of +certain connections, but I wish these to end by a means as virtuous as +their cause, and that an illegitimate love may be changed into an eternal +friendship. Should I, who never do ill to any person, be the innocent +means of doing it to my friends? No, I should never forgive you; I +should become your irreconcilable enemy. Your secrets are all I should +respect; for I will never be a man without honor. + +"I do not apprehend my present perplexity will continue a long time. I +shall soon know whether or not I am deceived; I shall then perhaps have +great injuries to repair, which I will do with as much cheerfulness as +that with which the most agreeable act of my life has been accompanied. +But do you know in what manner I will make amends for my faults during +the short space of time I have to remain near to you? By doing what +nobody but myself would do; by telling you freely what the world thinks +of you, and the breaches you have to repair in your reputation. +Notwithstanding all the pretended friends by whom you are surrounded, the +moment you see me depart you may bid adieu to truth, you will no longer +find any person who will tell it to you." + + +THIRD LETTER FROM THE SAME. + +"I did not understand your letter of this morning; this I told you +because it was the case. I understand that of this evening; do not +imagine I shall ever return an answer to it; I am too anxious to forget +what it contains; and although you excite my pity, I am not proof against +the bitterness with which it has filled my mind. I! descend to trick +and cunning with you! I! accused of the blackest of all infamies! +Adieu, I regret your having the adieu. I know not what I say adieu: +I shall be very anxious to forgive you. You will come when you please; +you will be better received than your suspicions deserve. All I have to +desire of you is not to trouble yourself about my reputation. The +opinion of the world concerning me is of but little importance in my +esteem. My conduct is good, and this is sufficient for me. Besides, I +am ignorant of what has happened to the two persons who are dear to me as +they are to you." + + +This last letter extricated me from a terrible embarrassment, and threw +me into another of almost the same magnitude. Although these letters and +answers were sent and returned the same day with an extreme rapidity, the +interval had been sufficient to place another between my rage and +transport, and to give me time to reflect on the enormity of my +imprudence. Madam d'Houdetot had not recommended to me anything so much +as to remain quiet, to leave her the care of extricating herself, and to +avoid, especially at that moment, all noise and rupture; and I, by the +most open and atrocious insults, took the properest means of carrying +rage to its greatest height in the heart of a woman who was already but +too well disposed to it. I now could naturally expect nothing from her +but an answer so haughty, disdainful, and expressive of contempt, that I +could not, without the utmost meanness, do otherwise than immediately +quit her house. Happily she, more adroit than I was furious, avoided, +by the manner of her answer, reducing me to that extremity. But it was +necessary either to quit or immediately go and see her; the alternative +was inevitable; I resolved on the latter, though I foresaw how much I +must be embarrassed in the explanation. For how was I to get through it +without exposing either Madam d'Houdetot or Theresa? and woe to her whom +I should have named! There was nothing that the vengeance of an +implacable and an intriguing woman did not make me fear for the person +who should be the object of it. It was to prevent this misfortune that +in my letter I had spoken of nothing but suspicions, that I might not be +under the necessity of producing my proofs. This, it is true, rendered +my transports less excusable; no simple suspicions being sufficient to +authorize me to treat a woman, and especially a friend, in the manner I +had treated Madam d'Epinay. But here begins the noble task I worthily +fulfilled of expiating my faults and secret weaknesses by charging myself +with such of the former as I was incapable of committing, and which I +never did commit. + +I had not to bear the attack I had expected, and fear was the greatest +evil I received from it. At my approach, Madam d' Epinay threw her arms +about my neck, bursting into tears. This unexpected reception, and by an +old friend, extremely affected me; I also shed many tears. I said to her +a few words which had not much meaning; she uttered others with still +less, and everything ended here. Supper was served; we sat down to +table, where, in expectation of the explanation I imagined to be deferred +until supper was over, I made a very poor figure; for I am so overpowered +by the most trifling inquietude of mind that I cannot conceal it from +persons the least clear-sighted. My embarrassed appearance must have +given her courage, yet she did not risk anything upon that foundation. +There was no more explanation after than before supper: none took place +on the next day, and our little tete-a-tete conversations consisted of +indifferent things, or some complimentary words on my part, by which, +while I informed her I could not say more relative to my suspicions, +I asserted, with the greatest truth, that, if they were ill-founded, +my whole life should be employed in repairing the injustice. She did not +show the least curiosity to know precisely what they were, nor for what +reason I had formed them, and all our peacemaking consisted, on her part +as well as on mine, in the embrace at our first meeting. Since Madam +d'Epinay was the only person offended, at least in form, I thought it was +not for me to strive to bring about an eclaircissement for which she +herself did not seem anxious, and I returned as I had come; continuing, +besides, to live with her upon the same footing as before, I soon almost +entirely forgot the quarrel, and foolishly believed she had done the +same, because she seemed not to remember what had passed. + +This, it will soon appear, was not the only vexation caused me by +weakness; but I had others not less disagreeable which I had not brought +upon myself. The only cause of these was a desire of forcing me from my +solitude, + + [That is to take from it the old woman who was wanted in the + conspiracy. It is astonishing that, during this long quarrel, + my stupid confidence presented me from comprehending that it was + not me but her whom they wanted in Paris.] + +by means of tormenting me. These originated from Diderot and the +d'Holbachiens. Since I had resided at the Hermitage, Diderot incessantly +harrassed me, either himself or by means of De Leyre, and I soon +perceived from the pleasantries of the latter upon my ramblings in the +groves, with what pleasure he had travestied the hermit into the gallant +shepherd. But this was not the question in my quarrels with Diderot; the +cause of these were more serious. After the publication of Fils Naturel +he had sent me a copy of it, which I had read with the interest and +attention I ever bestowed on the works of a friend. In reading the kind +of poem annexed to it, I was surprised and rather grieved to find in it, +amongst several things, disobliging but supportable against men in +solitude, this bitter and severe sentence without the least softening: +'Il n'y a que le mechant qui fail feul.'--[The wicked only is alone.]-- +This sentence is equivocal, and seems to present a double meaning; the +one true, the other false, since it is impossible that a man who is +determined to remain alone can do the least harm to anybody, and +consequently he cannot be wicked. The sentence in itself therefore +required an interpretation; the more so from an author who, when he sent +it to the press, had a friend retired from the world. It appeared to me +shocking and uncivil, either to have forgotten that solitary friend, or, +in remembering him, not to have made from the general maxim the honorable +and just exception which he owed, not only to his friend, but to so many +respectable sages, who, in all ages, have sought for peace and +tranquillity in retirement, and of whom, for the first time since the +creation of the world, a writer took it into his head indiscriminately to +make so many villains. + +I had a great affection and the most sincere esteem for Diderot, and +fully depended upon his having the same sentiments for me. But tired +with his indefatigable obstinacy in continually opposing my inclinations, +taste, and manner of living, and everything which related to no person +but myself; shocked at seeing a man younger than I was wish, at all +events, to govern me like a child; disgusted with his facility in +promising, and his negligence in performing; weary of so many +appointments given by himself, and capriciously broken, while new ones +were again given only to be again broken; displeased at uselessly waiting +for him three or four times a month on the days he had assigned, and in +dining alone at night after having gone to Saint Denis to meet him, and +waited the whole day for his coming; my heart was already full of these +multiplied injuries. This last appeared to me still more serious, and +gave me infinite pain. I wrote to complain of it, but in so mild and +tender a manner that I moistened my paper with my tears, and my letter +was sufficiently affecting to have drawn others from himself. It would +be impossible to guess his answer on this subject: it was literally as +follows: "I am glad my work has pleased and affected you. You are not of +my opinion relative to hermits. Say as much good of them as you please, +you will be the only one in the world of whom I shall think well: even on +this there would be much to say were it possible to speak to you without +giving you offence. A woman eighty years of age! etc. A phrase of a +letter from the son of Madam d'Epinay which, if I know you well, must +have given you much pain, has been mentioned to me." + +The last two expressions of this letter want explanation. + +Soon after I went to reside at the Hermitage, Madam le Vasseur seemed +dissatisfied with her situation, and to think the habitation too retired. +Having heard she had expressed her dislike to the place, I offered to +send her back to Paris, if that were more agreeable to her; to pay her +lodging, and to have the same care taken of her as if she remained with +me. She rejected my offer, assured me she was very well satisfied with +the Hermitage, and that the country air was of service to her. This was +evident, for, if I may so speak, she seemed to become young again, and +enjoyed better health than at Paris. Her daughter told me her mother +would, on the whole, had been very sorry to quit the Hermitage, which was +really a very delightful abode, being fond of the little amusements of +the garden and the care of the fruit of which she had the handling, but +that she had said, what she had been desired to say, to induce me to +return to Paris. + +Failing in this attempt they endeavored to obtain by a scruple the effect +which complaisance had not produced, and construed into a crime my +keeping the old woman at a distance from the succors of which, at her +age, she might be in need. They did not recollect that she, and many +other old people, whose lives were prolonged by the air of the country, +might obtain these succors at Montmorency, near to which I lived; as if +there were no old people, except in Paris, and that it was impossible for +them to live in any other place. Madam le Vasseur who eat a great deal, +and with extreme voracity, was subject to overflowings of bile and to +strong diarrhoeas, which lasted several days, and served her instead of +clysters. At Paris she neither did nor took anything for them, but left +nature to itself. She observed the same rule at the Hermitage, knowing +it was the best thing she could do. No matter, since there were not in +the country either physicians or apothecaries, keeping her there must, no +doubt, be with the desire of putting an end to her existence, although +she was in perfect health. Diderot should have determined at what age, +under pain of being punished for homicide, it is no longer permitted to +let old people remain out of Paris. + +This was one of the atrocious accusations from which he did not except me +in his remark; that none but the wicked were alone: and the meaning of +his pathetic exclamation with the et cetera, which he had benignantly +added: A woman of eighty years of age, etc. + +I thought the best answer that could be given to this reproach would be +from Madam le Vasseur herself. I desired her to write freely and +naturally her sentiments to Madam d'Epinay. To relieve her from all +constraint I would not see her letter. I showed her that which I am +going to transcribe. I wrote it to Madam d'Epinay upon the subject of an +answer I wish to return to a letter still more severe from Diderot, and +which she had prevented me from sending. + + Thursday. + +"My good friend. Madam le Vasseur is to write to you: I have desired her +to tell you sincerely what she thinks. To remove from her all +constraint, I have intimated to her that I will not see what she writes, +and I beg of you not to communicate to me any part of the contents of her +letter. + +"I will not send my letter because you do not choose I should; but, +feeling myself grievously offended, it would be baseness and falsehood, +of either of which it is impossible for me to be guilty, to acknowledge +myself in the wrong. Holy writ commands him to whom a blow is given, to +turn the other cheek, but not to ask pardon. Do you remember the man in +comedy who exclaims, while he is giving another blows with his staff, +'This is the part of a philosopher!' + +"Do not flatter yourself that he will be prevented from coming by the bad +weather we now have. His rage will give him the time and strength which +friendship refuses him, and it will be the first time in his life he ever +came upon the day he had appointed. + +"He will neglect nothing to come and repeat to me verbally the injuries +with which he loads me in his letters; I will endure them all with +patience--he will return to Paris to be ill again; and, according to +custom, I shall be a very hateful man. What is to be done? Endure it +all. + +"But do not you admire the wisdom of the man who would absolutely come to +Saint Denis in a hackney-coach to dine there, bring me home in a hackney- +coach, and whose finances, eight days afterwards, obliges him to come to +the Hermitage on foot? It is not possible, to speak his own language, +that this should be the style of sincerity. But were this the case, +strange changes of fortune must have happened in the course of a week. + +"I join in your affliction for the illness of madam, your mother, but you +will perceive your grief is not equal to mine. We suffer less by seeing +the persons we love ill than when they are unjust and cruel. + +"Adieu, my good friend, I shall never again mention to you this unhappy +affair. You speak of going to Paris with an unconcern, which, at any +other time, would give me pleasure." + +I wrote to Diderot, telling him what I had done, relative to Madam le +Vasseur, upon the proposal of Madam d'Epinay herself; and Madam le +Vasseur having, as it may be imagined, chosen to remain at the Hermitage, +where she enjoyed a good state of health, always had company, and lived +very agreeably, Diderot, not knowing what else to attribute to me as a +crime, construed my precaution into one, and discovered another in Madam +le Vasseur continuing to reside at the Hermitage, although this was by +her own choice; and though her going to Paris had depended, and still +depended upon herself, where she would continue to receive the same +succors from me as I gave her in my house. + +This is the explanation of the first reproach in the letter of Diderot. +That of the second is in the letter which follows: "The learned man (a +name given in a joke by Grimm to the son of Madam d'Epinay) must have +informed you there were upon the rampart twenty poor persons who were +dying with cold and hunger, and waiting for the farthing you customarily +gave them. This is a specimen of our little babbling.....And if you +understand the rest it will amuse you perhap." + +My answer to this terrible argument, of which Diderot seemed so proud, +was in the following words: + +"I think I answered the learned man; that is, the farmer-general, that I +did not pity the poor whom he had seen upon the rampart, waiting for my +farthing; that he had probably amply made it up to them; that I appointed +him my substitute, that the poor of Paris would have no reason to +complain of the change; and that I should not easily find so good a one +for the poor of Montmorency, who were in much greater need of assistance. +Here is a good and respectable old man, who, after having worked hard all +his lifetime, no longer being able to continue his labors, is in his old +days dying with hunger. My conscience is more satisfied with the two +sous I give him every Monday, than with the hundred farthings I should +have distributed amongst all the beggars on the rampart. You are +pleasant men, you philosophers, while you consider the inhabitants of the +cities as the only persons whom you ought to befriend. It is in the +country men learn how to love and serve humanity; all they learn in +cities is to despise it." + +Such were the singular scruples on which a man of sense had the folly to +attribute to me as a crime my retiring from Paris, and pretended to prove +to me by my own example, that it was not possible to live out of the +capital without becoming a bad man. I cannot at present conceive how I +could be guilty of the folly of answering him, and of suffering myself to +be angry instead of laughing in his fare. However, the decisions of +Madam d'Epinay and the clamors of the 'Cote in Holbachique' had so far +operated in her favor, that I was generally thought to be in the wrong; +and the D'Houdetot herself, very partial to Diderot, insisted upon my +going to see him at Paris, and making all the advances towards an +accommodation which, full and sincere as it was on my part, was not of +long duration. The victorious argument by which she subdued my heart +was, that at that moment Diderot was in distress. Besides the storm +excited against the 'Encyclopedie', he had then another violent one to +make head against, relative to his piece, which, notwithstanding the +short history he had printed at the head of it, he was accused of having +entirely taken from Goldoni. Diderot, more wounded by criticisms than +Voltaire, was overwhelmed by them. Madam de Grasigny had been malicious +enough to spread a report that I had broken with him on this account. +I thought it would be just and generous publicly to prove the contrary, +and I went to pass two days, not only with him, but at his lodgings. +This, since I had taken up my abode at the Hermitage, was my second +journey to Paris. I had made the first to run to poor Gauffecourt, who +had had a stroke of apoplexy, from which he has never perfectly +recovered: I did not quit the side of his pillow until he was so far +restored as to have no further need of my assistance. + +Diderot received me well. How many wrongs are effaced by the embraces of +a friend! after these, what resentment can remain in the heart? We came +to but little explanation. This is needless for reciprocal invectives. +The only thing necessary is to know how to forget them. There had been +no underhand proceedings, none at least that had come to my knowledge: +the case was not the same with Madam d' Epinay. He showed me the plan of +the 'Pere de Famille'. "This," said I to him, "is the best defence to +the 'Fils Naturel'. Be silent, give your attention to this piece, and +then throw it at the head of your enemies as the only answer you think +proper to make them." He did so, and was satisfied with what he had +done. + +I had six months before sent him the first two parts of my 'Eloisa' to +have his opinion upon them. He had not yet read the work over. We read +a part of it together. He found this 'feuillet', that was his term, by +which he meant loaded with words and redundancies. I myself had already +perceived it; but it was the babbling of the fever: I have never been +able to correct it. The last parts are not the same. The fourth +especially, and the sixth, are master-pieces of diction. + +The day after my arrival, he would absolutely take me to sup with M. +d'Holbach. We were far from agreeing on this point; for I wished even to +get rid of the bargain for the manuscript on chemistry, for which I was +enraged to be obliged to that man. Diderot carried all before him. He +swore D'Holbach loved me with all his heart, said I must forgive him his +manner, which was the same to everybody, and more disagreeable to his +friends than to others. He observed to me that, refusing the produce of +this manuscript, after having accepted it two years before, was an +affront to the donor which he had not deserved, and that my refusal might +be interpreted into a secret reproach, for having waited so long to +conclude the bargain. "I see," added he, "D'Holbach every day, and know +better than you do the nature of his disposition. Had you reason to be +dissatisfied with him, do you think your friend capable of advising you +to do a mean thing?" In short, with my accustomed weakness, I suffered +myself to be prevailed upon, and we went to sup with the baron, who +received me as he usually had done. But his wife received me coldly and +almost uncivilly. I saw nothing in her which resembled the amiable +Caroline, who, when a maid, expressed for me so many good wishes. I +thought I had already perceived that since Grimm had frequented the house +of D'Aine, I had not met there so friendly a reception. + +Whilst I was at Paris, Saint Lambert arrived there from the army. As I +was not acquainted with his arrival, I did not see him until after my +return to the country, first at the Chevrette, and afterwards at the +Hermitage; to which he came with Madam d'Houdetot, and invited himself to +dinner with me. It may be judged whether or not I received him with +pleasure! But I felt one still greater at seeing the good understanding +between my guests. Satisfied with not having disturbed their happiness, +I myself was happy in being a witness to it, and I can safely assert +that, during the whole of my mad passion, and especially at the moment of +which I speak, had it been in my power to take from him Madam d'Houdetot +I would not have done it, nor should I have so much as been tempted to +undertake it. I found her so amiable in her passion for Saint Lambert, +that I could scarcely imagine she would have been as much so had she +loved me instead of him; and without wishing to disturb their union, all +I really desired of her was to permit herself to be loved. Finally, +however violent my passion may have been for this lady, I found it as +agreeable to be the confidant, as the object of her amours, and I never +for a moment considered her lover as a rival, but always as my friend. +It will be said this was not love: be it so, but it was something more. + +As for Saint Lambert, he behaved like an honest and judicious man: as I +was the only person culpable, so was I the only one who was punished; +this, however, was with the greatest indulgence. He treated me severely, +but in a friendly manner, and I perceived I had lost something in his +esteem, but not the least part of his friendship. For this I consoled +myself, knowing it would be much more easy to me to recover the one than +the other, and that he had too much sense to confound an involuntary +weakness and a passion with a vice of character. If even I were in fault +in all that had passed, I was but very little so. Had I first sought +after his mistress? Had not he himself sent her to me? Did not she come +in search of me? Could I avoid receiving her? What could I do? They +themselves had done the evil, and I was the person on whom it fell. In +my situation they would have done as much as I did, and perhaps more; +for, however estimable and faithful Madam d'Houdetot might be, she was +still a woman; her lover was absent; opportunities were frequent; +temptations strong; and it would have been very difficult for her always +to have defended herself with the same success against a more +enterprising man. We certainly had done a great deal in our situation, +in placing boundaries beyond which we never permitted ourselves to pass. + +Although at the bottom of my heart I found evidence sufficiently +honorable in my favor, so many appearances were against me, that the +invincible shame always predominant in me, gave me in his presence the +appearance of guilt, and of this he took advantage for the purpose of +humbling me: a single circumstance will describe this reciprocal +situation. I read to him, after dinner, the letter I had written the +preceding year to Voltaire, and of which Saint Lambert had heard speak. +Whilst I was reading he fell asleep, and I, lately so haughty, at present +so foolish, dared not stop, and continued to read whilst he continued to +snore. Such were my indignities and such his revenge; but his generosity +never permitted him to exercise them; except between ourselves. + +After his return to the army, I found Madam d'Houdetot greatly changed in +her manner with me. At this I was as much surprised as if it had not +been what I ought to have expected; it affected me more than it ought to +have done, and did me considerable harm. It seemed that everything from +which I expected a cure, still plunged deeper into my heart the dart, +which I at length broke in rather than draw out. + +I was quite determined to conquer myself, and leave no means untried to +change my foolish passion into a pure and lasting friendship. For this +purpose I had formed the finest projects in the world; for the execution +of which the concurrence of Madam d' Houdetot was necessary. When I +wished to speak to her I found her absent and embarrassed; I perceived I +was no longer agreeable to her, and that something had passed which she +would not communicate to me, and which I have never yet known. This +change, and the impossibility of knowing the reason of it, grieved me to +the heart. + +She asked me for her letters; these I returned her with a fidelity of +which she did me the insult to doubt for a moment. + +This doubt was another wound given to my heart, with which she must have +been so well acquainted. She did me justice, but not immediately: I +understood that an examination of the packet I had sent her, made her +perceive her error; I saw she reproached herself with it, by which I was +a gainer of something. She could not take back her letters without +returning me mine. She told me she had burnt them: of this I dared to +doubt in my turn, and I confess I doubt of it at this moment. No, such +letters as mine to her were, are never thrown into the fire. Those of +Eloisa have been found ardent. + +Heavens! what would have been said of these! No, No, she who can +inspire a like passion, will never have the courage to burn the proofs of +it. But I am not afraid of her having made a bad use of them: of this I +do not think her capable; and besides I had taken proper measures to +prevent it. The foolish, but strong apprehension of raillery, had made +me begin this correspondence in a manner to secure my letters from all +communication. I carried the familiarity I permitted myself with her in +my intoxication so far as to speak to her in the singular number: but +what theeing and thouing! she certainly could not be offended with it. +Yet she several times complained, but this was always useless: her +complaints had no other effect than that of awakening my fears, and I +besides could not suffer myself to lose ground. If these letters be not +yet destroyed, and should they ever be made public, the world will see in +what manner I have loved. + +The grief caused me by the coldness of Madam d'Houdetot, and the +certainty of not having merited it, made me take the singular resolution +to complain of it to Saint Lambert himself. While waiting the effect of +the letter I wrote to him, I sought dissipations to which I ought sooner +to have had recourse. Fetes were given at the Chevrette for which I +composed music. The pleasure of honoring myself in the eyes of Madam +d'Houdetot by a talent she loved, warmed my imagination, and another +object still contributed to give it animation, this was the desire the +author of the 'Devin du Villaqe' had of showing he understood music; for +I had perceived some persons had, for a considerable time past, +endeavored to render this doubtful, at least with respect to composition. +My beginning at Paris, the ordeal through which I had several times +passed there, both at the house of M. Dupin and that of M. de la +Popliniere; the quantity of music I had composed during fourteen years in +the midst of the most celebrated masters and before their eyes:--finally, +the opera of the 'Muses Gallantes', and that even of the 'Devin'; a motet +I had composed for Mademoiselle Fel, and which she had sung at the +spiritual concert; the frequent conferences I had had upon this fine art +with the first composers, all seemed to prevent or dissipate a doubt of +such a nature. This however existed even at the Chevrette, and in the +mind of M. d'Epinay himself. Without appearing to observe it, I +undertook to compose him a motet for the dedication of the chapel of the +Chevrette, and I begged him to make choice of the words. He directed de +Linant, the tutor to his son, to furnish me with these. De Linant gave +me words proper to the subject, and in a week after I had received them +the motet was finished. This time, spite was my Apollo, and never did +better music come from my hand. The words began with: 'Ecce sedes hic +tonantis'. (I have since learned these were by Santeuil, and that M. de +Linant had without scruple appropriated them to himself.) The grandeur of +the opening is suitable to the words, and the rest of the motet is so +elegantly harmonious that everyone was struck with it. I had composed it +for a great orchestra. D'Epinay procured the best performers. Madam +Bruna, an Italian singer, sung the motet, and was well accompanied. The +composition succeeded so well that it was afterwards performed at the +spiritual concert, where, in spite of secret cabals, and notwithstanding +it was badly executed, it was twice generally applauded. I gave for the +birthday of M. d'Epinay the idea of a kind of piece half dramatic and +half pantomimical, of which I also composed the music. Grimm, on his +arrival, heard speak of my musical success. An hour afterwards not a +word more was said on the subject; but there no longer remained a doubt, +not at least that I know of, of my knowledge of composition. + +Grimm was scarcely arrived at the Chevrette, where I already did not much +amuse myself, before he made it insupportable to me by airs I never +before saw in any person, and of which I had no idea. The evening before +he came, I was dislodged from the chamber of favor, contiguous to that of +Madam d'Epinay; it was prepared for Grimm, and instead of it, I was put +into another further off. "In this manner," said I, laughingly, to Madam +d'Epinay, "new-comers displace those which are established." She seemed +embarrassed. I was better acquainted the same evening with the reason +for the change, in learning that between her chamber and that I had +quitted there was a private door which she had thought needless to show +me. Her intercourse with Grimm was not a secret either in her own house +or to the public, not even to her husband; yet, far from confessing it to +me, the confidant of secrets more important to her, and which was sure +would be faithfully kept, she constantly denied it in the strongest +manner. I comprehended this reserve proceeded from Grimm, who, though +intrusted with all my secrets, did not choose I should be with any of +his. + +However prejudiced I was in favor of this man by former sentiments, which +were not extinguished, and by the real merit he had, all was not proof +against the cares he took to destroy it. He received me like the Comte +de Tuffiere; he scarcely deigned to return my salute; he never once spoke +to me, and prevented my speaking to him by not making me any answer; he +everywhere passed first, and took the first place without ever paying me +the least attention. All this would have been supportable had he not +accompanied it with a shocking affectation, which may be judged of by one +example taken from a hundred. One evening Madam d'Epinay, finding +herself a little indisposed, ordered something for her supper to be +carried into her chamber, and went up stairs to sup by the side of the +fire. She asked me to go with her, which I did. Grimm came afterwards. +The little table was already placed, and there were but two covers. +Supper was served; Madam d' Epinay took her place on one side of the +fire, Grimm took an armed chair, seated himself at the other, drew the +little table between them, opened his napkin, and prepared himself for +eating without speaking to me a single word. + +Madam d' Epinay blushed at his behavior, and, to induce him to repair his +rudeness, offered me her place. He said nothing, nor did he ever look at +me. Not being able to approach the fire, I walked about the chamber +until a cover was brought. Indisposed as I was, older than himself, +longer acquainted in the house than he had been, the person who had +introduced him there, and to whom as a favorite of the lady he ought to +have done the honors of it, he suffered me to sup at the end of the +table, at a distance from the fire, without showing me the least +civility. His whole behavior to me corresponded with this example of it. +He did not treat me precisely as his inferior, but he looked upon me as a +cipher. I could scarcely recognize the same Grimm, who, to the house of +the Prince de Saxe-Gotha, thought himself honored when I cast my eyes +upon him. I had still more difficulty in reconciling this profound +silence and insulting haughtiness with the tender friendship he possessed +for me to those whom he knew to be real friends. It is true the only +proofs he gave of it was pitying my wretched fortune, of which I did not +complain; compassionating my sad fate, with which I was satisfied; and +lamenting to see me obstinately refuse the benevolent services he said, +he wished to render me. Thus was it he artfully made the world admire +his affectionate generosity, blame my ungrateful misanthropy, and +insensibly accustomed people to imagine there was nothing more between a +protector like him and a wretch like myself, than a connection founded +upon benefactions on one part and obligations on the other, without once +thinking of a friendship between equals. For my part, I have vainly +sought to discover in what I was under an obligation to this new +protector. I had lent him money, he had never lent me any; I had +attended him in his illness, he scarcely came to see me in mine; I had +given him all my friends, he never had given me any of his; I had said +everything I could in his favor, and if ever he has spoken of me it has +been less publicly and in another manner. He has never either rendered +or offered me the least service of any kind. How, therefore, was he my +Mecaenas? In what manner was I protected by him? This was +incomprehensible to me, and still remains so. + +It is true, he was more or less arrogant with everybody, but I was the +only person with whom he was brutally so. I remember Saint Lambert once +ready to throw a plate at his head, upon his, in some measure, giving him +the lie at table by vulgarly saying, "That is not true." With his +naturally imperious manner he had the self-sufficiency of an upstart, +and became ridiculous by being extravagantly impertinent. An intercourse +with the great had so far intoxicated him that he gave himself airs which +none but the contemptible part of them ever assume. He never called his +lackey but by "Eh!" as if amongst the number of his servants my lord had +not known which was in waiting. When he sent him to buy anything, +he threw the money upon the ground instead of putting it into his hand. +In short, entirely forgetting he was a man, he treated him with such +shocking contempt, and so cruel a disdain in everything, that the poor +lad, a very good creature, whom Madam d'Epinay had recommended, quitted +his service without any other complaint than that of the impossibility of +enduring such treatment. This was the la Fleur of this new presuming +upstart. + +As these things were nothing more than ridiculous, but quite opposite to +my character, they contributed to render him suspicious to me. I could +easily imagine that a man whose head was so much deranged could not have +a heart well placed. He piqued himself upon nothing so much as upon +sentiments. How could this agree with defects which are peculiar to +little minds? How can the continued overflowings of a susceptible heart +suffer it to be incessantly employed in so many little cares relative to +the person? He who feels his heart inflamed with this celestial fire +strives to diffuse it, and wishes to show what he internally is. He +would wish to place his heart in his countenance, and thinks not of other +paint for his cheeks. + +I remember the summary of his morality which Madam d'Epinay had mentioned +to me and adopted. This consisted in one single article; that the sole +duty of man is to follow all the inclinations of his heart. This +morality, when I heard it mentioned, gave me great matter of reflection, +although I at first considered it solely as a play of wit. But I soon +perceived it was a principle really the rule of his conduct, and of which +I afterwards had, at my own expense, but too many convincing proofs. +It is the interior doctrine Diderot has so frequently intimated to me, +but which I never heard him explain. + +I remember having several years before been frequently told that Grimm +was false, that he had nothing more than the appearance of sentiment, +and particularly that he did not love me. I recollected several little +anecdotes which I had heard of him by M. de Francueil and Madam de +Chenonceaux, neither of whom esteemed him, and to whom he must have been +known, as Madam de Chenonceaux was daughter to Madam de Rochechouart, +the intimate friend of the late Comte de Friese, and that M. de +Francueil, at that time very intimate with the Viscount de Polignac, +had lived a good deal at the Palais Royal precisely when Grimm began to +introduce himself there. All Paris heard of his despair after the death +of the Comte de Friese. It was necessary to support the reputation he +had acquired after the rigors of Mademoiselle Fel, and of which I, more +than any other person, should have seen the imposture, had I been less +blind. He was obliged to be dragged to the Hotel de Castries where he +worthily played his part, abandoned to the most mortal affliction. +There, he every morning went into the garden to weep at his ease, holding +before his eyes his handkerchief moistened with tears, as long as he was +in sight of the hotel, but at the turning of a certain alley, people, of +whom he little thought, saw him instantly put his handkerchief in his +pocket and take out of it a book. This observation, which was repeatedly +made, soon became public in Paris, and was almost as soon forgotten. +I myself had forgotten it; a circumstance in which I was concerned +brought it to my recollection. I was at the point of death in my bed, +in the Rue de Grenelle, Grimm was in the country; he came one morning, +quite out of breath, to see me, saying, he had arrived in town that very +instant; and a moment afterwards I learned he had arrived the evening +before, and had been seen at the theatre. + +I heard many things of the same kind; but an observation, which I was +surprised not to have made sooner, struck me more than anything else. +I had given to Grimm all my friends without exception, they were become +his. I was so inseparable from him, that I should have had some +difficulty in continuing to visit at a house where he was not received. +Madam de Crequi was the only person who refused to admit him into her +company, and whom for that reason I have seldom since seen. Grimm on his +part made himself other friends, as well by his own means, as by those of +the Comte de Friese. Of all these not one of them ever became my friend: +he never said a word to induce me even to become acquainted with them, +and not one of those I sometimes met at his apartments ever showed me the +least good will; the Comte de Friese, in whose house he lived, and with +whom it consequently would have been agreeable to me to form some +connection, not excepted, nor the Comte de Schomberg, his relation, with +whom Grimm was still more intimate. + +Add to this, my own friends, whom I made his, and who were all tenderly +attached to me before this acquaintance, were no longer so the moment it +was made. He never gave me one of his. I gave him all mine, and these +he has taken from me. If these be the effects of friendship, what are +those of enmity? + +Diderot himself told me several times at the beginning that Grimm in whom +I had so much confidence, was not my friend. He changed his language the +moment he was no longer so himself. + +The manner in which I had disposed of my children wanted not the +concurrence of any person. Yet I informed some of my friends of it, +solely to make it known to them, and that I might not in their eyes +appear better than I was. These friends were three in number: Diderot, +Grimm, and Madam d'Epinay. Duclos, the most worthy of my confidence, was +the only real friend whom I did not inform of it. He nevertheless knew +what I had done. By whom? This I know not. It is not very probable the +perfidy came from Madam d'Epinay, who knew that by following her example, +had I been capable of doing it, I had in my power the means of a cruel +revenge. It remains therefore between Grimm and Diderot, then so much +united, especially against me, and it is probable this crime was common +to them both. I would lay a wager that Duclos, to whom I never told my +secret, and who consequently was at liberty to make what use he pleased +of his information, is the only person who has not spoken of it again. + +Grimm and Diderot, in their project to take from me the governesses, had +used the greatest efforts to make Duclos enter into their views; but this +he refused to do with disdain. It was not until sometime afterwards that +I learned from him what had passed between them on the subject; but I +learned at the time from Theresa enough to perceive there was some secret +design, and that they wished to dispose of me, if not against my own +consent, at least without my knowledge, or had an intention of making +these two persons serve as instruments of some project they had in view. +This was far from upright conduct. The opposition of Duclos is a +convincing proof of it. They who think proper may believe it to be +friendship. + +This pretended friendship was as fatal to me at home as it was abroad. +The long and frequent conversations with Madam le Vasseur, for, several +years past, had made a sensible change in this woman's behavior to me, +and the change was far from being in my favor. What was the subject of +these singular conversations? Why such a profound mystery? Was the +conversation of that old woman agreeable enough to take her into favor, +and of sufficient importance to make of it so great a secret? During the +two or three years these colloquies had, from time to time, been +continued, they had appeared to me ridiculous; but when I thought of them +again, they began to astonish me. This astonishment would have been +carried to inquietude had I then known what the old creature was +preparing for me. + +Notwithstanding the pretended zeal for my welfare of which Grimm made +such a public boast, difficult to reconcile with the airs he gave himself +when we were together, I heard nothing of him from any quarter the least +to my advantage, and his feigned commiseration tended less to do me +service than to render me contemptible. He deprived me as much as he +possibly could of the resource I found in the employment I had chosen, +by decrying me as a bad copyist. I confess he spoke the truth; but in +this case it was not for him to do it. He proved himself in earnest by +employing another copyist, and prevailing upon everybody he could, by +whom I was engaged, to do the same. His intention might have been +supposed to be that of reducing me to a dependence upon him and his +credit for a subsistence, and to cut off the latter until I was brought +to that degree of distress. + +All things considered, my reason imposed silence upon my former +prejudice, which still pleaded in his favor. I judged his character to +be at least suspicious, and with respect to his friendship I positively +decided it to be false. I then resolved to see him no more, and informed +Madam d'Epinay of the resolution I had taken, supporting, it with several +unanswerable facts, but which I have now forgotten. + +She strongly combated my resolution without knowing how to reply to the +reasons on which it was founded. She had not concerted with him; but the +next day, instead of explaining herself verbally, she, with great +address, gave me a letter they had drawn up together, and by which, +without entering into a detail of facts, she justified him by his +concentrated character, attributed to me as a crime my having suspected +him of perfidy towards his friend, and exhorted me to come to an +accommodation with him. This letter staggered me. In a conversation we +afterwards had together, and in which I found her better prepared than +she had been the first time, I suffered myself to be quite prevailed +upon, and was inclined to believe I might have judged erroneously. In +this case I thought I really had done a friend a very serious injury, +which it was my duty to repair. In short, as I had already done several +times with Diderot, and the Baron d'Holbach, half from inclination, and +half from weakness, I made all the advances I had a right to require; +I went to M. Grimm, like another George Dandin, to make him my apologies +for the offence he had given me; still in the false persuasion, which, in +the course of my life has made me guilty of a thousand meannesses to my +pretended friends, that there is no hatred which may not be disarmed by +mildness and proper behavior; whereas, on the contrary, the hatred of the +wicked becomes still more envenomed by the impossibility of finding +anything to found it upon, and the sentiment of their own injustice is +another cause of offence against the person who is the object of it. +I have, without going further than my own history, a strong proof of this +maxim in Grimm, and in Tronchin; both became my implacable enemies from +inclination, pleasure and fancy, without having been able to charge me +with having done either of them the most trifling injury, + + [I did not give the surname of Jongleur only to the latter until a + long time after his enmity had been declared, and the persecutions + he brought upon me at Geneva and elsewhere. I soon suppressed the + name the moment I perceived I was entirely his victim. Mean + vengeance is unworthy of my heart, and hatred never takes the least + root in it.] + +and whose rage, like that of tigers, becomes daily more fierce by the +facility of satiating it. + +I expected that Grimm, confused by my condescension and advances, would +receive me with open arms, and the most tender friendship. He received +me as a Roman Emperor would have done, and with a haughtiness I never saw +in any person but himself. I was by no means prepared for such a +reception. When, in the embarrassment of the part I had to act, and +which was so unworthy of me, I had, in a few words and with a timid air, +fulfilled the object which had brought me to him; before he received me +into favor, he pronounced, with a deal of majesty, an harangue he had +prepared, and which contained a long enumeration of his rare virtues, +and especially those connected with friendship. He laid great stress +upon a thing which at first struck me a great deal: this was his having +always preserved the same friends. Whilst he was yet speaking, I said to +myself, it would be cruel for me to be the only exception to this rule. +He returned to the subject so frequently, and with such emphasis, that I +thought, if in this he followed nothing but the sentiments of his heart, +he would be less struck with the maxim, and that he made of it an art +useful to his views by procuring the means of accomplishing them. Until +then I had been in the same situation; I had preserved all my first +friends, those even from my tenderest infancy, without having lost one of +them except by death, and yet I had never before made the reflection: it +was not a maxim I had prescribed myself. Since, therefore, the advantage +was common to both, why did he boast of it in preference, if he had not +previously intended to deprive me of the merit? He afterwards endeavored +to humble me by proofs of the preference our common friends gave to me. +With this I was as well acquainted as himself; the question was, by what +means he had obtained it? whether it was by merit or address? by exalting +himself, or endeavoring to abase me? At last, when he had placed between +us all the distance that he could add to the value of the favor he was +about to confer, he granted me the kiss of peace, in a slight embrace +which resembled the accolade which the king gives to newmade knights. +I was stupefied with surprise: I knew not what to say; not a word could +I utter. The whole scene had the appearance of the reprimand a preceptor +gives to his pupil while he graciously spares inflicting the rod. +I never think of it without perceiving to what degree judgments, founded +upon appearances to which the vulgar give so much weight, are deceitful, +and how frequently audaciousness and pride are found in the guilty, and +shame and embarrassment in the innocent. + +We were reconciled: this was a relief to my heart, which every kind of +quarrel fills with anguish. It will naturally be supposed that a like +reconciliation changed nothing in his manners; all it effected was to +deprive me of the right of complaining of them. For this reason I took a +resolution to endure everything, and for the future to say not a word. + +So many successive vexations overwhelmed me to such a degree as to leave +me but little power over my mind. Receiving no answer from Saint +Lambert, neglected by Madam d'Houdetot, and no longer daring to open my +heart to any person, I began to be afraid that by making friendship my +idol, I should sacrifice my whole life to chimeras. After putting all +those with whom I had been acquainted to the test, there remained but two +who had preserved my esteem, and in whom my heart could confide: Duclos, +of whom since my retreat to the Hermitage I had lost sight, and Saint +Lambert. I thought the only means of repairing the wrongs I had done the +latter, was to open myself to him without reserve, and I resolved to +confess to him everything by which his mistress should not be exposed. +I have no doubt but this was another snare of my passions to keep me +nearer to her person; but I should certainly have had no reserve with her +lover, entirely submitting to his direction, and carrying sincerity as +far as it was possible to do it. I was upon the point of writing to him +a second letter, to which I was certain he would have returned an answer, +when I learned the melancholy cause of his silence relative to the first. +He had been unable to support until the end the fatigues of the campaign. +Madam d'Epinay informed me he had had an attack of the palsy, and Madam +d'Houdetot, ill from affliction, wrote me two or three days after from +Paris, that he was going to Aix-la-Chapelle to take the benefit of the +waters. I will not say this melancholy circumstance afflicted me as it +did her; but I am of opinion my grief of heart was as painful as her +tears. The pain of knowing him to be in such a state, increased by the +fear least inquietude should have contributed to occasion it, affected me +more than anything that had yet happened, and I felt most cruelly a want +of fortitude, which in my estimation was necessary to enable me to +support so many misfortunes. Happily this generous friend did not long +leave me so overwhelmed with affliction; he did not forget me, +notwithstanding his attack; and I soon learned from himself that I had +ill judged his sentiments, and been too much alarmed for his situation. +It is now time I should come to the grand revolution of my destiny, to +the catastrophe which has divided my life in two parts so different from +each other, and, from a very trifling cause, produced such terrible +effects. + +One day, little thinking of what was to happen, Madam d'Epinay sent for +me to the Chevrette. The moment I saw her I perceived in her eyes and +whole countenance an appearance of uneasiness, which struck me the more, +as this was not customary, nobody knowing better than she did how to +govern her features and her movements. "My friend," said she to me, +"I am immediately going to set off for Geneva; my breast is in a bad +state, and my health so deranged that I must go and consult Tronchin." +I was the more astonished at this resolution so suddenly taken, and at +the beginning of the bad season of the year, as thirty-six hours before +she had not, when I left her, so much as thought of it. I asked her who +she would take with her. She said her son and M. de Linant; and +afterwards carelessly added, "And you, dear, will not you go also?" As I +did not think she spoke seriously, knowing that at the season of the year +I was scarcely in a situation to go to my chamber, I joked upon the +utility of the company, of one sick person to another. She herself had +not seemed to make the proposition seriously, and here the matter +dropped. The rest of our conversation ran upon the necessary +preparations for her journey, about which she immediately gave orders, +being determined to set off within a fortnight. She lost nothing by my +refusal, having prevailed upon her husband to accompany her. + +A few days afterwards I received from Diderot the note I am going to +transcribe. This note, simply doubled up, so that the contents were +easily read, was addressed to me at Madam d'Epinay's, and sent to M. de +Linant, tutor to the son, and confidant to the mother. + + +NOTE FROM DIDEROT. + +"I am naturally disposed to love you, and am born to give you trouble. I +am informed Madam d'Epinay is going to Geneva, and do not hear you are to +accompany her. My friend, you are satisfied with Madam d'Epinay, you +must go, with her; if dissatisfied you ought still less to hesitate. Do +you find the weight of the obligations you are under to her uneasy to +you? This is an opportunity of discharging a part of them, and relieving +your mind. Do you ever expect another opportunity like the present one, +of giving her proofs of your gratitude? She is going to a country where +she will be quite a stranger. She is ill, and will stand in need of +amusement and dissipation. The winter season too! Consider, my friend. +Your ill state of health may be a much greater objection than I think it +is; but are you now more indisposed than you were a month ago, or than +you will be at the beginning of spring? Will you three months hence be +in a situation to perform the journey more at your ease than at present? +For my part I cannot but observe to you that were I unable to bear the +shaking of the carriage I would take my staff and follow her. Have you +no fears lest your conduct should be misinterpreted? You will be +suspected of ingratitude or of a secret motive. I well know, that let +you do as you will you will have in your favor the testimony of your +conscience, but will this alone be sufficient, and is it permitted to +neglect to a certain degree that which is necessary to acquire the +approbation of others? What I now write, my good friend, is to acquit +myself of what I think I owe to us both. Should my letter displease you, +throw it into the fire and let it be forgotten. I salute, love and +embrace you." + +Although trembling and almost blind with rage whilst I read this epistle, +I remarked the address with which Diderot affected a milder and more +polite language than he had done in his former ones, wherein he never +went further than "My dear," without ever deigning to add the name of +friend. I easily discovered the secondhand means by which the letter was +conveyed to me; the subscription, manner and form awkwardly betrayed the +manoeuvre; for we commonly wrote to each other by post, or the messenger +of Montmorency, and this was the first and only time he sent me his +letter by any other conveyance. + +As soon as the first transports of my indignation permitted me to write, +I, with great precipitation, wrote him the following answer, which I +immediately carried from the Hermitage, where I then was, to Chevrette, +to show it to Madam d' Epinay; to whom, in my blind rage, I read the +contents, as well as the letter from Diderot. + +"You cannot, my dear friend, either know the magnitude of the obligations +I am under to Madam d'Epinay, to what a degree I am bound by them, +whether or not she is desirous of my accompanying her, that this is +possible, or the reasons I may have for my noncompliance. I have no +objection to discuss all these points with you; but you will in the +meantime confess that prescribing to me so positively what I ought to do, +without first enabling yourself to judge of the matter, is, my dear +philosopher, acting very inconsiderately. What is still worse, I +perceive the opinion you give comes not from yourself. Besides my being +but little disposed to suffer myself to be led by the nose under your +name by any third or fourth person, I observe in this secondary advice +certain underhand dealing, which ill agrees with your candor, and from +which you will on your account, as well as mine, do well in future to +abstain. + +"You are afraid my conduct should be misinterpreted; but I defy a heart +like yours to think ill of mine. Others would perhaps speak better of me +if I resembled them more. God preserve me from gaining their +approbation! Let the vile and wicked watch over my conduct and +misinterpret my actions, Rousseau is not a man to be afraid of them, nor +is Diderot to be prevailed upon to hearken to what they say. + +"If I am displeased with your letter, you wish me to throw it into the +fire, and pay no attention to the contents. Do you imagine that anything +coming from you can be forgotten in such a manner? You hold, my dear +friend, my tears as cheap in the pain you give me, as you do my life and +health, in the cares you exhort me to take. Could you but break yourself +of this, your friendship would be more pleasing to me, and I should be +less to be pitied." + +On entering the chamber of Madam d'Epinay I found Grimm with her, with +which I was highly delighted. I read to them, in a loud and clear voice, +the two letters, with an intrepidity of which I should not have thought +myself capable, and concluded with a few observations not in the least +derogatory to it. At this unexpected audacity in a man generally timid, +they were struck dumb with surprise; I perceived that arrogant man look +down upon the ground, not daring to meet my eyes, which sparkled with +indignation; but in the bottom of his heart he from that instant resolved +upon my destruction, and, with Madam d' Epinay, I am certain concerted +measures to that effect before they separated. + +It was much about this time that I at length received, by Madam +d'Houdetot, the answer from Saint Lambert, dated from Wolfenbuttle, a few +days after the accident had happened to him, to my letter which had been +long delayed upon the road. This answer gave me the consolation of which +I then stood so much in need; it was full of assurance of esteem and +friendship, and these gave me strength and courage to deserve them. From +that moment I did my duty, but had Saint Lambert been less reasonable, +generous and honest, I was inevitably lost. + +The season became bad, and people began to quit the country. Madam +d'Houdetot informed me of the day on which she intended to come and bid +adieu to the valley, and gave me a rendezvous at Laubonne. This happened +to be the same day on which Madam d'Epinay left the Chevrette to go to +Paris for the purpose of completing preparations for her journey. +Fortunately she set off in the morning, and I had still time to go and +dine with her sister-in-law. I had the letter from Saint Lambert in my +pocket, and read it over several times as I walked along, This letter +served me as a shield against my weakness. I made and kept to the +resolution of seeing nothing in Madam d'Houdetot but my friend and the +mistress of Saint Lambert; and I passed with her a tete-a-fete of four +hours in a most delicious calm, infinitely preferable, even with respect +to enjoyment, to the paroxysms of a burning fever, which, always, until +that moment, I had had when in her presence. As she too well knew my +heart not to be changed, she was sensible of the efforts I made to +conquer myself, and esteemed me the more for them, and I had the pleasure +of perceiving that her friendship for me was not extinguished. She +announced to me the approaching return of Saint Lambert, who, although +well enough recovered from his attack, was unable to bear the fatigues of +war, and was quitting the service to come and live in peace with her. +We formed the charming project of an intimate connection between us +three, and had reason to hope it would be lasting, since it was founded +on every sentiment by which honest and susceptible hearts could be +united; and we had moreover amongst us all the knowledge and talents +necessary to be sufficient to ourselves without the aid of any foreign +supplement. Alas! in abandoning myself to the hope of so agreeable a +life I little suspected that which awaited me. + +We afterwards spoke of my situation with Madam d'Epinay. I showed her +the letter from Diderot, with my answer to it; I related to her +everything that had passed upon the subject, and declared to her my +resolution of quitting the Hermitage. + +This she vehemently opposed, and by reasons all powerful over my heart. +She expressed to me how much she could have wished I had been of the +party to Geneva, foreseeing she should inevitably be considered as having +caused the refusal, which the letter of Diderot seemed previously to +announce. However, as she was acquainted with my reasons, she did not +insist upon this point, but conjured me to avoid coming to an open +rupture let it cost me what mortification it would, and to palliate my +refusal by reasons sufficiently plausible to put away all unjust +suspicions of her having been the cause of it. I told her the task she +imposed on me was not easy; but that, resolved to expiate my faults at +the expense of my reputation, I would give the preference to hers in +everything that honor permitted me to suffer. It will soon be seen +whether or not I fulfilled this engagement. + +My passion was so far from having lost any part of its force that I never +in my life loved my Sophia so ardently and tenderly as on that day, but +such was the impression made upon me by the letter of Saint Lambert, the +sentiment of my duty and the horror in which I held perfidy, that during +the whole time of the interview my senses left me in peace, and I was not +so much as tempted to kiss her hand. At parting she embraced me before +her servants. This embrace, so different from those I had sometimes +stolen from her under the foliage, proved I was become master of myself; +and I am certain that had my mind, undisturbed, had time to acquire more +firmness, three months would have cured me radically. + +Here ends my personal connections with Madam d'Houdetot; connections of +which each has been able to judge by appearance according to the +disposition of his own heart, but in which the passion inspired me by +that amiable woman, the most lively passion, perhaps, man ever felt, will +be honorable in our own eyes by the rare and painful sacrifice we both +made to duty, honor, love, and friendship. We each had too high an +opinion of the other easily to suffer ourselves to do anything derogatory +to our dignity. We must have been unworthy of all esteem had we not set +a proper value upon one like this, and the energy of my sentiments which +have rendered us culpable, was that which prevented us from becoming so. + +Thus after a long friendship for one of these women, and the strongest +affection for the other, I bade them both adieu the same day, to one +never to see her more, to the other to see her again twice, upon +occasions of which I shall hereafter speak. + +After their departure, I found myself much embarrassed to fulfill so many +pressing and contradictory duties, the consequences of my imprudence; had +I been in my natural situation, after the proposition and refusal of the +journey to Geneva, I had only to remain quiet, and everything was as it +should be. But I had foolishly made of it an affair which could not +remain in the state it was, and an explanation was absolutely necessary, +unless I quitted the Hermitage, which I had just promised Madam +d'Houdetot not to do, at least for the present. Moreover she had +required me to make known the reasons for my refusal to my pretended +friends, that it might not be imputed to her. Yet I could not state the +true reason without doing an outrage to Madam d'Epinay, who certainly had +a right to my gratitude for what she had done for me. Everything well +considered, I found myself reduced to the severe but indispensable +necessity of failing in respect, either to Madam d'Upinay, Madam +d'Houdetot or to myself; and it was the last I resolved to make my +victim. This I did without hesitation, openly and fully, and with so +much generosity as to make the act worthy of expiating the faults which +had reduced me to such an extremity. This sacrifice, taken advantage of +by my enemies, and which they, perhaps, did not expect, has ruined my +reputation, and by their assiduity, deprived me of the esteem of the +public; but it has restored to me my own, and given me consolation in my +misfortune. This, as it will hereafter appear, is not the last time I +made such a sacrifice, nor that advantages were taken of it to do me an +injury. + +Grimm was the only person who appeared to have taken no part in the +affair, and it was to him I determined to address myself. I wrote him a +long letter, in which I set forth the ridiculousness of considering it as +my duty to accompany Madam d' Epinay to Geneva, the inutility of the +measure, and the embarrassment even it would have caused her, besides the +inconvenience to myself. I could not resist the temptation of letting +him perceive in this letter how fully I was informed in what manner +things were arranged, and that to me it appeared singular I should be +expected to undertake the journey whilst he himself dispensed with it, +and that his name was never mentioned. This letter, wherein, on account +of my not being able clearly to state my reasons, I was often obliged to +wander from the text, would have rendered me culpable in the eyes of the +public, but it was a model of reservedness and discretion for the people +who, like Grimm, were fully acquainted with the things I forbore to +mention, and which justified my conduct. I did not even hesitate to +raise another prejudice against myself in attributing the advice of +Diderot, to my other friends. This I did to insinuate that Madam +d'Houdetot had been in the same opinion as she really was, and in not +mentioning that, upon the reasons I gave her, she thought differently, +I could not better remove the suspicion of her having connived at my +proceedings than appearing dissatisfied with her behavior. + +This letter was concluded by an act of confidence which would have had an +effect upon any other man; for, in desiring Grimm to weigh my reasons and +afterwards to give me his opinion, I informed him that, let this be what +it would, I should act accordingly, and such was my intention had he even +thought I ought to set off; for M. d'Epinay having appointed himself the +conductor of his wife, my going with them would then have had a different +appearance; whereas it was I who, in the first place, was asked to take +upon me that employment, and he was out of the question until after my +refusal. + +The answer from Grimm was slow incoming; it was singular enough, on which +account I will here transcribe it. + +"The departure of Madam d'Epinay is postponed; her son is ill, and it is +necessary to wait until his health is re-established. I will consider +the contents of your letter. Remain quiet at your Hermitage. I will +send you my opinion as soon as this shall be necessary. As she will +certainly not set off for some days, there is no immediate occasion for +it. In the meantime you may, if you think proper, make her your offers, +although this to me seems a matter of indifference. For, knowing your +situation as well as you do yourself, I doubt not of her returning to +your offer such an answer as she ought to do; and all the advantage +which, in my opinion, can result from this, will be your having it in +your power to say to those by whom you may be importuned, that your not +being of the travelling party was not for want of having made your offers +to that effect. Moreover, I do not see why you will absolutely have it +that the philosopher is the speaking-trumpet of all the world, nor +because he is of opinion you ought to go, why you should imagine all your +friends think as he does? If you write to Madam d'Epinay, her answer +will be yours to all your friends, since you have it so much at heart to +give them all an answer. Adieu. I embrace Madam le Vasseur and the +Criminal." + + [M. le Vasseur, whose wife governed him rather rudely, called her + the Lieutenant Criminal. Grimm in a joke gave the same name to the + daughter, and by way of abridgment was pleased to retrench the first + word.] + +Struck with astonishment at reading this letter I vainly endeavored to +find out what it meant. How! instead of answering me with simplicity, +he took time to consider of what I had written, as if the time he had +already taken was not sufficient! He intimates even the state of +suspense in which he wishes to keep me, as if a profound problem was to +be resolved, or that it was of importance to his views to deprive me of +every means of comprehending his intentions until the moment he should +think proper to make them known. What therefore did he mean by these +precautions, delays, and mysteries? Was this manner of acting consistent +with honor and uprightness? I vainly sought for some favorable +interpretation of his conduct; it was impossible to find one. Whatever +his design might be, were this inimical to me, his situation facilitated +the execution of it without its being possible for me in mine to oppose +the least obstacle. In favor in the house of a great prince, having an +extensive acquaintance, and giving the tone to common circles of which he +was the oracle, he had it in his power, with his usual address, to +dispose everything in his favor; and I, alone in my Hermitage, far +removed from all society, without the benefit of advice, and having no +communication with the world, had nothing to do but to remain in peace. +All I did was to write to Madam d'Epinay upon the illness of her son, as +polite a letter as could be written, but in which I did not fall into the +snare of offering to accompany her to Geneva. + +After waiting for a long time in the most cruel uncertainty, into which +that barbarous man had plunged me, I learned, at the expiration of eight +or ten days, that Madam d'Epinay was setoff, and received from him a +second letter. It contained not more than seven or eight lines which I +did not entirely read. It was a rupture, but in such terms as the most +infernal hatred only can dictate, and these became unmeaning by the +excessive degree of acrimony with which he wished to charge them. He +forbade me his presence as he would have forbidden me his states. All +that was wanting to his letter to make it laughable, was to be read over +with coolness. Without taking a copy of it, or reading the whole of the +contents, I returned it him immediately, accompanied by the following +note: + +"I refused to admit the force of the just reasons I had of suspicion: I +now, when it is too late, am become sufficiently acquainted with your +character. + +"This then is the letter upon which you took time to meditate: I return +it to you, it is not for me. You may show mine to the whole world and +hate me openly; this on your part will be a falsehood the less." + +My telling he might show my preceding letter related to an article in his +by which his profound address throughout the whole affair will be judged +of. + +I have observed that my letter might inculpate me in the eyes of persons +unacquainted with the particulars of what had passed. This he was +delighted to discover; but how was he to take advantage of it without +exposing himself? By showing the letter he ran the risk of being +reproached with abusing the confidence of his friend. + +To relieve himself from this embarrassment he resolved to break with me +in the most violent manner possible, and to set forth in his letter the +favor he did me in not showing mine. He was certain that in my +indignation and anger I should refuse his feigned discretion, and permit +him to show my letter to everybody; this was what he wished for, and +everything turned out as he expected it would. He sent my letter all +over Paris, with his own commentaries upon it, which, however, were not +so successful as he had expected them to be. It was not judged that the +permission he had extorted to make my letter public exempted him from the +blame of having so lightly taken me at my word to do me an injury. +People continually asked what personal complaints he had against me to +authorize so violent a hatred. Finally, it was thought that if even my +behavior had been such as to authorize him to break with me, friendship, +although extinguished, had rights which he ought to have respected. But +unfortunately the inhabitants of Paris are frivolous; remarks of the +moment are soon forgotten; the absent and unfortunate are neglected; the +man who prospers secures favor by his presence; the intriguing and +malicious support each other, renew their vile efforts, and the effects +of these, incessantly succeeding each other, efface everything by which +they were preceded. + +Thus, after having so long deceived me, this man threw aside his mask; +convinced that, in the state to which he had brought things, he no longer +stood in need of it. Relieved from the fear of being unjust towards the +wretch, I left him to his reflections, and thought no more of him. A +week afterwards I received an answer from Madam d'Epinay, dated from +Geneva. I understood from the manner of her letter, in which for the +first time in her life, she put on airs of state with me, that both +depending but little upon the success of their measures, and considering +me a man inevitably lost, their intentions were to give themselves the +pleasure of completing my destruction. + +In fact, my situation was deplorable. I perceived all my friends +withdrew themselves from me without knowing how or for why. Diderot, who +boasted of the continuation of his attachment, and who, for three months +past, had promised me a visit, did not come. The winter began to make +its appearance, and brought with it my habitual disorders. My +constitution, although vigorous, had been unequal to the combat of so +many opposite passions. I was so exhausted that I had neither strength +nor courage sufficient to resist the most trifling indisposition. Had my +engagements; and the continued remonstrances of Diderot and Madam de +Houdetot then permitted me to quit the Hermitage, I knew not where to go, +nor in what manner to drag myself along. I remained stupid and +immovable. The idea alone of a step to take, a letter to write, or a +word to say, made me tremble. I could not however do otherwise than +reply to the letter of Madam d'Epinay without acknowledging myself to be +worthy of the treatment with which she and her friend overwhelmed me. I +determined upon notifying to her my sentiments and resolutions, not +doubting a moment that from humanity, generosity, propriety, and the good +manner of thinking, I imagined I had observed in her, notwithstanding her +bad one, she would immediately subscribe to them. My letter was as +follows: + + HERMITAGE 23d NOV., 1757. + +"Were it possible to die of grief I should not now be alive. + +"But I have at length determined to triumph over everything. Friendship, +madam, is extinguished between us, but that which no longer exists still +has its rights, and I respect them. + +"I have not forgotten your goodness to me, and you may, on my part, expect +as much gratitude as it is possible to have towards a person I no longer +can love. All further explanation would be useless. I have in my favor +my own conscience, and I return you your letter. + +"I wished to quit the Hermitage, and I ought to have done it. My friends +pretend I must stay there until spring; and since my friends desire it I +will remain there until that season if you will consent to my stay." + +After writing and despatching this letter all I thought of was remaining +quiet at the Hermitage and taking care of my health; of endeavoring to +recover my strength, and taking measures to remove in the spring without +noise or making the rupture public. But these were not the intentions +either of Grimm or Madam d'Epinay, as it will presently appear. + +A few days afterwards, I had the pleasure of receiving from Diderot the +visit he had so frequently promised, and in which he had as constantly +failed. He could not have come more opportunely; he was my oldest +friend: almost the only one who remained to me; the pleasure I felt in +seeing him, as things were circumstanced, may easily be imagined. My +heart was full, and I disclosed it to him. I explained to him several +facts which either had not come to his knowledge, or had been disguised +or suppressed. I informed him, as far as I could do it with propriety, +of all that had passed. I did not affect to conceal from him that with +which he was but too well acquainted, that a passion equally unreasonable +and unfortunate, had been the cause of my destruction; but I never +acknowledged that Madam d'Houdetot had been made acquainted with it, or +at least that I had declared it to her. I mentioned to him the unworthy +manoeuvres of Madam d' Epinay to intercept the innocent letters her +sister-in-law wrote to me. I was determined he should hear the +particulars from the mouth of the persons whom she had attempted to +seduce. Theresa related them with great precision; but what was my +astonishment when the mother came to speak, and I heard her declare and +maintain that nothing of this had come to her knowledge? These were her +words from which she would never depart. Not four days before she +herself had recited to me all the particulars Theresa had just stated, +and in presence of my friend she contradicted me to my face. This, to +me, was decisive, and I then clearly saw my imprudence in having so long +a time kept such a woman near me. I made no use of invective; I scarcely +deigned to speak to her a few words of contempt. I felt what I owed to +the daughter, whose steadfast uprightness was a perfect contrast to the +base monoeuvres of the mother. But from the instant my resolution was +taken relative to the old woman, and I waited for nothing but the moment +to put it into execution. + +This presented itself sooner than I expected. On the 10th of December I +received from Madam d'Epinay the following answer to my preceding letter: + + GENEVA, 1st December, 1757. + +"After having for several years given you every possible mark of +friendship all I can now do is to pity you. You are very unhappy. I +wish your conscience may be as calm as mine. This may be necessary to +the repose of your whole life. + +"Since you are determined to quit the Hermitage, and are persuaded that +you ought to do it, I am astonished your friends have prevailed upon you +to stay there. For my part I never consult mine upon my duty, and I have +nothing further to say to you upon your own." + +Such an unforeseen dismission, and so fully pronounced, left me not a +moment to hesitate. It was necessary to quit immediately, let the +weather and my health be in what state they might, although I were to +sleep in the woods and upon the snow, with which the ground was then +covered, and in defiance of everything Madam d'Houdetot might say; for I +was willing to do everything to please her except render myself infamous. + +I never had been so embarrassed in my whole life as I then was; but my +resolution was taken. I swore, let what would happen, not to sleep at +the Hermitage on the night of that day week. I began to prepare for +sending away my effects, resolving to leave them in the open field rather +than not give up the key in the course of the week: for I was determined +everything should be done before a letter could be written to Geneva, and +an answer to it received. I never felt myself so inspired with courage: +I had recovered all my strength. Honor and indignation, upon which Madam +d'Epinay had not calculated, contributed to restore me to vigor. Fortune +aided my audacity. M. Mathas, fiscal procurer, heard of my +embarrasament. He sent to offer me a little house he had in his garden +of Mont Louis, at Montmorency. I accepted it with eagerness and +gratitude. The bargain was soon concluded: I immediately sent to +purchase a little furniture to add to that we already had. My effects +I had carted away with a deal of trouble, and a great expense: +notwithstanding the ice and snow my removal was completed in a couple of +days, and on the fifteenth of December I gave up the keys of the +Hermitage, after having paid the wages of the gardener, not being able to +pay my rent. + +With respect to Madam le Vasseur, I told her we must part; her daughter +attempted to make me renounce my resolution, but I was inflexible. +I sent her off, to Paris in a carriage of the messenger with all the +furniture and effects she and her daughter had in common. I gave her +some money, and engaged to pay her lodging with her children, or +elsewhere to provide for her subsistence as much as it should be possible +for me to do it, and never to let her want bread as long as I should have +it myself. + +Finally the day after my arrival at Mont Louis, I wrote to Madam d'Epinay +the following letter: + + MONTMORENCY, 17th December 1757. + +"Nothing, madam, is so natural and necessary as to leave your house the +moment you no longer approve of my remaining there. Upon you refusing +your consent to my passing the rest of the winter at the Hermitage I +quitted it on the fifteenth of December. My destiny was to enter it in +spite of myself and to leave it the same. I thank you for the residence +you prevailed upon me to make there, and I would thank you still more had +I paid for it less dear. You are right in believing me unhappy; nobody +upon earth knows better than yourself to what a degree I must be so. If +being deceived in the choice of our friends be a misfortune, it is +another not less cruel to recover from so pleasing an error." + +Such is the faithful narrative of my residence at the Hermitage, and of +the reasons which obliged me to leave it. I could not break off the +recital, it was necessary to continue it with the greatest exactness; +this epoch of my life having had upon the rest of it an influence which +will extend to my latest remembrance. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +An author must be independent of success +Cemented by reciprocal esteem +Difficult to think nobly when we think for a livelihood +Dine at the hour of supper; sup when I should have been asleep +Force me to be happy in the manner they should point out +Hastening on to death without having lived +How many wrongs are effaced by the embraces of a friend +I loved her too well to wish to possess her +I never heard her speak ill of persons who were absent +Idea of my not being everything to her +In the course of their lives frequently unlike themselves +Is it possible to dissimulate with persons whom we love? +Letters illustrious in proportion as it was less a trade +Loaded with words and redundancies +Make men like himself, instead of taking them as they were +Manoeuvres of an author to the care of publishing a good book +No longer permitted to let old people remain out of Paris +No sooner had lost sight of men than I ceased to despise them +Not knowing how to spend their time, daily breaking in upon me +Painful to an honest man to resist desires already formed +Rather bashful than modest +This continued desire to control me in all my wishes +To make him my apologies for the offence he had given me +Tyranny of persons who called themselves my friends +Virtuous minds, which vice never attacks openly +When once we make a secret of anything to the person we love +Without the least scruple, freely disposing of my time +Writing for bread would soon have extinguished my genius + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v9 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK X. + + +The extraordinary degree of strength a momentary effervescence had given +me to quit the Hermitage, left me the moment I was out of it. I was +scarcely established in my new habitation before I frequently suffered +from retentions, which were accompanied by a new complaint; that of a +rupture, from which I had for some time, without knowing what it was, +felt great inconvenience. I soon was reduced to the most cruel state. +The physician Thieiry, my old friend, came to see me, and made me +acquainted with my situation. The sight of all the apparatus of the +infirmities of years, made me severely feel that when the body is no +longer young, the heart is not so with impunity. The fine season did not +restore me, and I passed the whole year, 1758, in a state of languor, +which made me think I was almost at the end of my career. I saw, with +impatience, the closing scene approach. Recovered from the chimeras of +friendship, and detached from everything which had rendered life +desirable to me, I saw nothing more in it that could make it agreeable; +all I perceived was wretchedness and misery, which prevented me from +enjoying myself. I sighed after the moment when I was to be free and +escape from my enemies. But I must follow the order of events. + +My retreat to Montmorency seemed to disconcert Madam d'Epinay; probably +she did not expect it. My melancholy situation, the severity of the +season, the general dereliction of me by my friends, all made her and +Grimm believe, that by driving me to the last extremity, they should +oblige me to implore mercy, and thus, by vile meanness, render myself +contemptible, to be suffered to remain in an asylum which honor commanded +me to leave. I left it so suddenly that they had not time to prevent the +step from being taken, and they were reduced to the alternative of double +or quit, to endeavor to ruin me entirely, or to prevail upon me to +return. Grimm chose the former; but I am of opinion Madam d'Epinay would +have preferred the latter, and this from her answer to my last letter, +in which she seemed to have laid aside the airs she had given herself in +the preceding ones, and to give an opening to an accommodation. The long +delay of this answer, for which she made me wait a whole month, +sufficiently indicates the difficulty she found in giving it a proper +turn, and the deliberations by which it was preceded. She could not make +any further advances without exposing herself; but after her former +letters, and my sudden retreat from her house, it is impossible not to be +struck with the care she takes in this letter not to suffer an offensive +expression to escape her. I will copy it at length to enable my reader +to judge of what she wrote: + + GENEVA, January 17, 1758. + +"SIR: I did not receive your letter of the 17th of December until +yesterday. It was sent me in a box filled with different things, and +which has been all this time upon the road. I shall answer only the +postscript. You may recollect, sir, that we agreed the wages of the +gardener of the Hermitage should pass through your hands, the better to +make him feel that he depended upon you, and to avoid the ridiculous and +indecent scenes which happened in the time of his predecessor. As a +proof of this, the first quarter of his wages were given to you, and a +few days before my departure we agreed I should reimburse you what you +had advanced. I know that of this you, at first, made some difficulty; +but I had desired you to make these advances; it was natural I should +acquit myself towards you, and this we concluded upon. Cahouet informs +me that you refused to receive the money. There is certainly some +mistake in the matter. I have given orders that it may again be offered +to you, and I see no reason for your wishing to pay my gardener, +notwithstanding our conventions, and beyond the term even of your +inhabiting the Hermitage. I therefore expect, sir, that recollecting +everything I have the honor to state, you will not refuse to be +reimbursed for the sums you have been pleased to advance for me." + +After what had passed, not having the least confidence in Madam d' +Epinay, I was unwilling to renew my connection with her; I returned no +answer to this letter, and there our correspondence ended. Perceiving I +had taken my resolution, she took hers; and, entering into all the views +of Grimm and the Coterie Holbachique, she united her efforts with theirs +to accomplish my destruction. Whilst they manoevured at Paris, she did +the same at Geneva. Grimm, who afterwards went to her there, completed +what she had begun. Tronchin, whom they had no difficulty in gaining +over, seconded them powerfully, and became the most violent of my +persecutors, without having against me, any more than Grimm had, the +least subject of complaint. They all three spread in silence that of +which the effects were seen there four years afterwards. + +They had more trouble at Paris, where I was better known to the citizens, +whose hearts, less disposed to hatred, less easily received its +impressions. The better to direct their blow, they began by giving out +that it was I who had left them. Thence, still feigning to be my +friends, they dexterously spread their malignant accusations by +complaining of the injustice of their friend. Their auditors, thus +thrown off their guard, listened more attentively to what was said of me, +and were inclined to blame my conduct. The secret accusations of perfidy +and ingratitude were made with greater precaution, and by that means with +greater effect. I knew they imputed to me the most atrocious crimes +without being able to learn in what these consisted. All I could infer +from public rumor was that this was founded upon the four following +capital offences: my retiring to the country; my passion for Madam +d'Houdetot; my refusing to accompany Madam d'Epinay to Geneva, and my +leaving the Hermitage. If to these they added other griefs, they took +their measures so well that it has hitherto been impossible for me to +learn the subject of them. + +It is therefore at this period that I think I may fix the establishment +of a system, since adopted by those by whom my fate has been determined, +and which has made such a progress as will seem miraculous to persons who +know not with what facility everything which favors the malignity of man +is established. I will endeavor to explain in a few words what to me +appeared visible in this profound and obscure system. + +With a name already distinguished and known throughout all Europe, I had +still preserved my primitive simplicity. My mortal aversion to all party +faction and cabal had kept me free and independent, without any other +chain than the attachments of my heart. Alone, a stranger, without +family or fortune, and unconnected with everything except my principles +and duties, I intrepidly followed the paths of uprightness, never +flattering or favoring any person at the expense of truth and justice. +Besides, having lived for two years past in solitude, without observing +the course of events, I was unconnected with the affairs of the world, +and not informed of what passed, nor desirous of being acquainted with +it. I lived four leagues from Paris as much separated from that. +capital by my negligence as I should have been in the Island of Tinian by +the sea. + +Grimm, Diderot and D'Holbach were, on the contrary, in the centre of the +vortex, lived in the great world, and divided amongst them almost all the +spheres of it. The great wits, men of letters, men of long robe, and +women, all listened to them when they chose to act in concert. The +advantage three men in this situation united must have over a fourth in +mine, cannot but already appear. It is true Diderot and D'Holbach were +incapable, at least I think so, of forming black conspiracies; one of +them was not base enough, nor the other sufficiently able; but it was for +this reason that the party was more united. Grimm alone formed his plan +in his own mind, and discovered more of it than was necessary to induce +his associates to concur in the execution. The ascendency he had gained +over them made this quite easy, and the effect of the whole answered to +the superiority of his talents. + +It was with these, which were of a superior kind, that, perceiving the +advantage he might acquire from our respective situations, he conceived +the project of overturning my reputation, and, without exposing himself, +of giving me one of a nature quite opposite, by raising up about me an +edifice of obscurity which it was impossible for me to penetrate, and by +that means throw a light upon his manoevures and unmask him. + +This enterprise was difficult, because it was necessary to palliate the +iniquity in the eyes of those of whose assistance he stood in need. +He had honest men to deceive, to alienate from me the good opinion of +everybody, and to deprive me of all my friends. What say I? He had to +cut off all communication with me, that not a single word of truth might +reach my ears. Had a single man of generosity come and said to me, "You +assume the appearance of virtue, yet this is the manner in which you are +treated, and these the circumstances by which you are judged: what have +you to say?" truth would have triumphed and Grimm have been undone. +Of this he was fully convinced; but he had examined his own heart and +estimated men according to their merit. I am sorry, for the honor of +humanity, that he judged with so much truth. + +In these dark and crooked paths his steps to be the more sure were +necessarily slow. He has for twelve years pursued his plan and the most +difficult part of the execution of it is still to come; this is to +deceive the public entirely. He is afraid of this public, and dares not +lay his conspiracy open. + + [Since this was written he has made the dangerous step with the + fullest and most inconceivable success. I am of opinion it was + Tronchin who inspired him with courage, and supplied him with the + means.] + +But he has found the easy means of accompanying it with power, and this +power has the disposal of me. Thus supported he advances with less +danger. The agents of power piquing themselves but little on +uprightness, and still less on candor, he has no longer the indiscretion +of an honest man to fear. His safety is in my being enveloped in an +impenetrable obscurity, and in concealing from me his conspiracy, well +knowing that with whatever art he may have formed it, I could by a single +glance of the eye discover the whole. His great address consists in +appearing to favor whilst he defames me, and in giving to his perfidy an +air of generosity. + +I felt the first effects of this system by the secret accusations of the +Coterie Holbachiens without its being possible for me to know in what the +accusations consisted, or to form a probable conjecture as to the nature +of them. De Leyre informed me in his letters that heinous things were +attributed to me. Diderot more mysteriously told me the same thing, and +when I came to an explanation with both, the whole was reduced to the +heads of accusation of which I have already spoken. I perceived a +gradual increase of coolness in the letters from Madam d'Houdetot. This +I could not attribute to Saint Lambert; he continued to write to me with +the same friendship, and came to see me after his return. It was also +impossible to think myself the cause of it, as we had separated well +satisfied with each other, and nothing since that time had happened on my +part, except my departure from the Hermitage, of which she felt the +necessity. Therefore, not knowing whence this coolness, which she +refused to acknowledge, although my heart was not to be deceived, could +proceed, I was uneasy upon every account. I knew she greatly favored her +sister-in-law and Grimm, in consequence of their connections with Saint +Lambert; and I was afraid of their machinations. This agitation opened +my wounds, and rendered my correspondence so disagreeable as quite to +disgust her with it. I saw, as at a distance, a thousand cruel +circumstances, without discovering anything distinctly. I was in a +situation the most insupportable to a man whose imagination is easily +heated. Had I been quite retired from the world, and known nothing of +the matter I should have become more calm; but my heart still clung to +attachments, by means of which my enemies had great advantages over me; +and the feeble rays which penetrated my asylum conveyed to me nothing +more than a knowledge of the blackness of the mysteries which were +concealed from my eyes. + +I should have sunk, I have not a doubt of it, under these torments, too +cruel and insupportable to my open disposition, which, by the +impossibility of concealing my sentiments, makes me fear everything from +those concealed from me, if fortunately objects sufficiently interesting +to my heart to divert it from others with which, in spite of myself, my +imagination was filled, had not presented themselves. In the last visit +Diderot paid me, at the Hermitage, he had spoken of the article 'Geneva', +which D'Alembert had inserted in the 'Encyclopedie'; he had informed me +that this article, concerted with people of the first consideration, had +for object the establishment of a theatre at Geneva, that measures had +been taken accordingly, and that the establishment would soon take place. +As Diderot seemed to think all this very proper, and did not doubt of the +success of the measure, and as I had besides to speak to him upon too +many other subjects to touch upon that article, I made him no answer: but +scandalized at these preparatives to corruption and licentiousness in my +country, I waited with impatience for the volume of the 'Encyclopedie', +in which the article was inserted; to see whether or not it would be +possible to give an answer which might ward off the blow. I received the +volume soon after my establishment at Mont Louis, and found the articles +to be written with much art and address, and worthy of the pen whence it +proceeded. This, however, did not abate my desire to answer it, and +notwithstanding the dejection of spirits I then labored under, my griefs +and pains, the severity of the season, and the inconvenience of my new +abode, in which I had not yet had time to arrange myself, I set to work +with a zeal which surmounted every obstacle. + +In a severe winter, in the month of February, and in the situation I have +described, I went every day, morning and evening, to pass a couple of +hours in an open alcove which was at the bottom of the garden in which my +habitation stood. This alcove, which terminated an alley of a terrace, +looked upon the valley and the pond of Montmorency, and presented to me, +as the closing point of a prospect, the plain but respectable castle of +St. Gratien, the retreat of the virtuous Catinat. It was in this place, +then, exposed to freezing cold, that without being sheltered from the +wind and snow, and having no other fire than that in my heart; I +composed, in the space of three weeks, my letter to D'Alembert on +theatres. It was in this, for my 'Eloisa' was not then half written, +that I found charms in philosophical labor. Until then virtuous +indignation had been a substitute to Apollo, tenderness and a gentleness +of mind now became so. The injustice I had been witness to had irritated +me, that of which I became the object rendered me melancholy; and this +melancholy without bitterness was that of a heart too tender and +affectionate, and which, deceived by those in whom it had confided, was +obliged to remain concentred. Full of that which had befallen me, and +still affected by so many violent emotions, my heart added the sentiment +of its sufferings to the ideas with which a meditation on my subject had +inspired me; what I wrote bore evident marks of this mixture. Without +perceiving it I described the situation I was then in, gave portraits of +Grimm, Madam d'Epinay, Madam d' Houdetot, Saint Lambert and myself. What +delicious tears did I shed as I wrote! Alas! in these descriptions +there are proofs but too evident that love, the fatal love of which I +made such efforts to cure myself, still remained in my heart. With all +this there was a certain sentiment of tenderness relative to myself; I +thought I was dying, and imagined I bid the public my last adieu. Far +from fearing death, I joyfully saw it approach; but I felt some regret at +leaving my fellow creatures without their having perceived my real merit, +and being convinced how much I should have deserved their esteem had they +known me better. These are the secret causes of the singular manner in +which this work, opposite to that of the work by which it was preceded, +is written.--[Discours sur l'Inegalite. Discourse on the Inequality of +Mankind.] + +I corrected and copied the letter, and was preparing to print it when, +after a long silence, I received one from Madam d'Houdetot, which brought +upon me a new affliction more painful than any I had yet suffered. She +informed me that my passion for her was known to all Paris, that I had +spoken of it to persons who had made it public, that this rumor, having +reached the ears of her lover, had nearly cost him his life; yet he did +her justice, and peace was restored between them; but on his account, as +well as on hers, and for the sake of her reputation, she thought it her +duty to break off all correspondence with me, at the same time assuring +me that she and her friend were both interested in my welfare, that they +would defend me to the public, and that she herself would, from time to +time, send to inquire after my health. + +"And thou also, Diderot," exclaimed I, "unworthy friend!" + +I could not, however, yet resolve to condemn him. My weakness was known +to others who might have spoken of it. I wished to doubt, but this was +soon out of my power. Saint Lambert shortly after performed an action +worthy of himself. Knowing my manner of thinking, he judged of the state +in which I must be; betrayed by one part of my friends and forsaken by +the other. He came to see me. The first time he had not many moments to +spare. He came again. Unfortunately, not expecting him, I was not at +home. Theresa had with him a conversation of upwards of two hours, in +which they informed each other of facts of great importance to us all. +The surprise with which I learned that nobody doubted of my having lived +with Madam d'Epinay, as Grimm then did, cannot be equalled, except by +that of Saint Lambert, when he was convinced that the rumor was false. +He, to the great dissatisfaction of the lady, was in the same situation +with myself, and the eclaircissements resulting from the conversation +removed from me all regret, on account of my having broken with her +forever. Relative to Madam d'Houdetot, he mentioned several +circumstances with which neither Theresa nor Madam d'Houdetot herself +were acquainted; these were known to me only in the first instance, and I +had never mentioned them except to Diderot, under the seal of friendship; +and it was to Saint Lambert himself to whom he had chosen to communicate +them. This last step was sufficient to determine me. I resolved to +break with Diderot forever, and this without further deliberation, except +on the manner of doing it; for I had perceived secret ruptures turned to +my prejudice, because they left the mask of friendship in possession of +my most cruel enemies. + +The rules of good breeding, established in the world on this head, seem +to have been dictated by a spirit of treachery and falsehood. To appear +the friend of a man when in reality we are no longer so, is to reserve to +ourselves the means of doing him an injury by surprising honest men into +an error. I recollected that when the illustrious Montesquieu broke with +Father de Tournemine, he immediately said to everybody: "Listen neither +to Father Tournemine nor myself, when we speak of each other, for we are +no longer friends." This open and generous proceeding was universally +applauded. I resolved to follow the example with Diderot; but what +method was I to take to publish the rupture authentically from my +retreat, and yet without scandal? I concluded on inserting in the form +of a note, in my work, a passage from the book of Ecclesiasticus, which +declared the rupture and even the subject of it, in terms sufficiently +clear to such as were acquainted with the previous circumstances, but +could signify nothing to the rest of the world. I determined not to +speak in my work of the friend whom I renounced, except with the honor +always due to extinguished friendship. The whole may be seen in the work +itself. + +There is nothing in this world but time and misfortune, and every act of +courage seems to be a crime in adversity. For that which has been +admired in Montesquieu, I received only blame and reproach. As soon as +my work was printed, and I had copies of it, I sent one to Saint Lambert, +who, the evening before, had written to me in his own name and that of +Madam d' Houdetot, a note expressive of the most tender friendship. + +The following is the letter he wrote to me when he returned the copy I +had sent him. + + EAUBONNE, 10th October, 1758. + +"Indeed, sir, I cannot accept the present you have just made me. In that +part of your preface where, relative to Diderot, you quote a passage from +Ecclesiastes (he mistakes, it is from Ecclesiasticus) the book dropped +from my hand. In the conversations we had together in the summer, you +seemed to be persuaded Diderot was not guilty of the pretended +indiscretions you had imputed to him. You may, for aught I know to the +contrary, have reason to complain of him, but this does not give you a +right to insult him publicly. You are not unacquainted with the nature +of the persecutions he suffers, and you join the voice of an old friend +to that of envy. I cannot refrain from telling you, sir, how much this +heinous act of yours has shocked me. I am not acquainted with Diderot, +but I honor him, and I have a lively sense of the pain you give to a man, +whom, at least not in my hearing, you have never reproached with anything +more than a trifling weakness. You and I, sir, differ too much in our +principles ever to be agreeable to each other. Forget that I exist; this +you will easily do. I have never done to men either good or evil of a +nature to be long remembered. I promise you, sir, to forget your person +and to remember nothing relative to you but your talents." + +This letter filled me with indignation and affliction; and, in the excess +of my pangs, feeling my pride wounded, I answered him by the following +note: + + MONTMORUNCY, 11th October, 1758. + +"SIR: While reading your letter, I did you the honor to be surprised at +it, and had the weakness to suffer it to affect me; but I find it +unworthy of an answer. + +"I will no longer continue the copies of Madam d'Houdetot. If it be not +agreeable to her to keep that she has, she may sent it me back and I will +return her money. If she keeps it, she must still send for the rest of +her paper and the money; and at the same time I beg she will return me +the prospectus which she has in her possession. Adieu, sir." + +Courage under misfortune irritates the hearts of cowards, but it is +pleasing to generous minds. This note seemed to make Saint Lambert +reflect with himself and to regret his having been so violent; but too +haughty in his turn to make open advances, he seized and perhaps +prepared, the opportunity of palliating what he had done. + +A fortnight afterwards I received from Madam d'Epinay the following +letter: + + Thursday, 26th. + +"SIR: I received the book you had the goodness to send me, and which I +have read with much pleasure. I have always experienced the same +sentiment in reading all the works which have come from your pen. +Receive my thanks for the whole. I should have returned you these in +person had my affairs permitted me to remain any time in your +neighborhood; but I was not this year long at the Chevrette. M. and +Madam Dupin come there on Sunday to dinner. I expect M. de Saint +Lambert, M. de Francueil, and Madam d'Houdetot will be of the party; +you will do me much pleasure by making one also. All the persons who are +to dine with me, desire, and will, as well as myself, be delighted to +pass with you a part of the day. I have the honor to be with the most +perfect consideration," etc. + +This letter made my heart beat violently; after having for a year past +been the subject of conversation of all Paris, the idea of presenting +myself as a spectacle before Madam d'Houdetot, made me tremble, and I had +much difficulty to find sufficient courage to support that ceremony. +Yet as she and Saint Lambert were desirous of it, and Madam d'Epinay +spoke in the name of her guests without naming one whom I should not be +glad to see, I did not think I should expose myself accepting a dinner to +which I was in some degree invited by all the persons who with myself +were to partake of it. I therefore promised to go: on Sunday the weather +was bad, and Madam D'Epinay sent me her carriage. + +My arrival caused a sensation. I never met a better reception. An +observer would have thought the whole company felt how much I stood in +need of encouragement. None but French hearts are susceptible of this +kind of delicacy. However, I found more people than I expected to see. +Amongst others the Comte d' Houdetot, whom I did not know, and his sister +Madam de Blainville, without whose company I should have been as well +pleased. She had the year before came several times to Eaubonne, and her +sister-in-law had left her in our solitary walks to wait until she +thought proper to suffer her to join us. She had harbored a resentment +against me, which during this dinner she gratified at her ease. The +presence of the Comte d' Houdetot and Saint Lambert did not give me the +laugh on my side, and it may be judged that a man embarrassed in the most +common conversations was not very brilliant in that which then took +place. I never suffered so much, appeared so awkward, or received more +unexpected mortifications. As soon as we had risen from table, I +withdrew from that wicked woman; I had the pleasure of seeing Saint +Lambert and Madam de'Houdetot approach me, and we conversed together a +part of the afternoon, upon things very indifferent it is true, but with +the same familiarity as before my involuntary error. This friendly +attention was not lost upon my heart, and could Saint Lambert have read +what passed there, he certainly would have been satisfied with it. I can +safely assert that although on my arrival the presence of Madam +d'Houdetot gave me the most violent palpitations, on returning from the +house I scarcely thought of her; my mind was entirely taken up with Saint +Lambert. + +Notwithstanding the malignant sarcasms of Madam de Blainville, the dinner +was of great service to me, and I congratulated myself upon not having +refused the invitation. I not only discovered that the intrigues of +Grimm and the Holbachiens had not deprived me of my old acquaintance, + + [Such is the simplicity of my heart was my opinion when I wrote + these confessions.] + +but, what flattered me still more, that Madam d'Houdetot and Saint +Lambert were less changed than I had imagined, and I at length understood +that his keeping her at a distance from me proceeded more from jealousy +than from disesteem. This was a consolation to me, and calmed my mind. +Certain of not being an object of contempt in the eyes of persons whom I +esteemed, I worked upon my own heart with greater courage and success. +If I did not quite extinguish in it a guilty and an unhappy passion, I at +least so well regulated the remains of it that they have never since that +moment led me into the most trifling error. The copies of Madam d' +Houdetot, which she prevailed upon me to take again, and my works, which +I continued to send her as soon as they appeared, produced me from her a +few notes and messages, indifferent but obliging. She did still more, as +will hereafter appear, and the reciprocal conduct of her lover and +myself, after our intercourse had ceased, may serve as an example of the +manner in which persons of honor separate when it is no longer agreeable +to them to associate with each other. + +Another advantage this dinner procured me was its being spoken of in +Paris, where it served as a refutation of the rumor spread by my enemies, +that I had quarrelled with every person who partook of it, and especially +with M. d'Epinay. When I left the Hermitage I had written him a very +polite letter of thanks, to which he answered not less politely, and +mutual civilities had continued, as well between us as between me and M. +de la Lalive, his brother-in-law, who even came to see me at Montmorency, +and sent me some of his engravings. Excepting the two sisters-in-law of +Madam d'Houdetot, I have never been on bad terms with any person of the +family. + +My letter to D'Alembert had great success. All my works had been very +well received, but this was more favorable to me. It taught the public +to guard against the insinuations of the Coterie Holbachique. When I +went to the Hermitage, this Coterie predicted with its usual sufficiency, +that I should not remain there three months. When I had stayed there +twenty months, and was obliged to leave it, I still fixed my residence in +the country. The Coterie insisted this was from a motive of pure +obstinacy, and that I was weary even to death of my retirement; but that, +eaten up with pride, I chose rather to become a victim of my stubbornness +than to recover from it and return to Paris. The letter to D'Alembert +breathed a gentleness of mind which every one perceived not to be +affected. Had I been dissatisfied with my retreat, my style and manner +would have borne evident marks of my ill-humor. This reigned in all the +works I had written in Paris; but in the first I wrote in the country not +the least appearance of it was to be found. To persons who knew how to +distinguish, this remark was decisive. They perceived I was returned to +my element. + +Yet the same work, notwithstanding all the mildness it breathed, made me +by a mistake of my own and my usual ill-luck, another enemy amongst men +of letters. I had become acquainted with Marmontel at the house of M. de +la Popliniere, and his acquaintance had been continued at that of the +baron. Marmontel at that time wrote the 'Mercure de France'. As I had +too much pride to send my works to the authors of periodical +publications, and wishing to send him this without his imagining it was +in consequence of that title, or being desirous he should speak of it in +the Mercure, I wrote upon the book that it was not for the author of the +Mercure, but for M. Marmontel. I thought I paid him a fine compliment; +he mistook it for a cruel offence, and became my irreconcilable enemy. +He wrote against the letter with politeness, it is true, but with a +bitterness easily perceptible, and since that time has never lost an +opportunity of injuring me in society, and of indirectly ill-treating me +in his works. Such difficulty is there in managing the irritable self- +love of men of letters, and so careful ought every person to be not to +leave anything equivocal in the compliments they pay them. + +Having nothing more to disturb me, I took advantage of my leisure and +independence to continue my literary pursuits with more coherence. I +this winter finished my Eloisa, and sent it to Rey, who had it printed +the year following. I was, however, interrupted in my projects by a +circumstance sufficiently disagreeable. I heard new preparations were +making at the opera-house to give the 'Devin du Village'. Enraged at +seeing these people arrogantly dispose of my property, I again took up +the memoir I had sent to M. D'Argenson, to which no answer had been +returned, and having made some trifling alterations in it, I sent the +manuscript by M. Sellon, resident from Geneva, and a letter with which he +was pleased to charge himself, to the Comte de St. Florentin, who had +succeeded M. D'Argenson in the opera department. Duclos, to whom I +communicated what I had done, mentioned it to the 'petits violons', who +offered to restore me, not my opera, but my freedom of the theatre, which +I was no longer in a situation to enjoy. Perceiving I had not from any +quarter the least justice to expect, I gave up the affair; and the +directors of the opera, without either answering or listening to my +reasons, have continued to dispose as of their own property, and to turn +to their profit, the Devin du Village, which incontestably belong to +nobody but myself. + +Since I had shaken off the yoke of my tyrants, I led a life sufficiently +agreeable and peaceful; deprived of the charm of too strong attachments +I was delivered from the weight of their chains. Disgusted with the +friends who pretended to be my protectors, and wished absolutely to +dispose of me at will, and in spite of myself, to subject me to their +pretended good services, I resolved in future to have no other +connections than those of simple benevolence. These, without the least +constraint upon liberty, constitute the pleasure of society, of which +equality is the basis. I had of them as many as were necessary to enable +me to taste of the charm of liberty without being subject to the +dependence of it; and as soon as I had made an experiment of this manner +of life, I felt it was the most proper to my age, to end my days in +peace, far removed from the agitations, quarrels and cavillings in which +I had just been half submerged. + +During my residence at the Hermitage, and after my settlement at +Montmorency, I had made in the neighborhood some agreeable acquaintance, +and which did not subject me to any inconvenience. The principal of +these was young Loiseau de Mauleon, who, then beginning to plead at the +bar, did not yet know what rank he would one day hold there. I for my +part was not in the least doubt about the matter. I soon pointed out to +him the illustrious career in the midst of which he is now seen, and +predicted that, if he laid down to himself rigid rules for the choice of +causes, and never became the defender of anything but virtue and justice, +his genius, elevated by this sublime sentiment, would be equal to that of +the greatest orators. He followed my advice, and now feels the good +effects of it. His defence of M. de Portes is worthy of Demosthenes. He +came every year within a quarter of a league of the Hermitage to pass the +vacation at St. Brice, in the fife of Mauleon, belonging to his mother, +and where the great Bossuet had formerly lodged. This is a fief, of +which a like succession of proprietors would render nobility difficult to +support. + +I had also for a neighbor in the same village of St. Brice, the +bookseller Guerin, a man of wit, learning, of an amiable disposition, and +one of the first in his profession. He brought me acquainted with Jean +Neaulme, bookseller of Amsterdam, his friend and correspondent, who +afterwards printed Emilius. + +I had another acquaintance still nearer than St. Brice, this was M. +Maltor, vicar of Groslay, a man better adapted for the functions of a +statesman and a minister, than for those of the vicar of a village, and +to whom a diocese at least would have been given to govern if talents +decided the disposal of places. He had been secretary to the Comte de +Luc, and was formerly intimately acquainted with Jean Bapiste Rousseau. +Holding in as much esteem the memory of that illustrious exile, as he +held the villain who ruined him in horror; he possessed curious anecdotes +of both, which Segur had not inserted in the life, still in manuscript, +of the former, and he assured me that the Comte de Luc, far from ever +having had reason to complain of his conduct, had until his last moment +preserved for him the warmest friendship. M. Maltor, to whom M. de +Vintimille gave this retreat after the death of his patron, had formerly +been employed in many affairs of which, although far advanced in years, +he still preserved a distinct remembrance, and reasoned upon them +tolerably well. His conversation, equally amusing and instructive, had +nothing in it resembling that of a village pastor: he joined the manners +of a man of the world to the knowledge of one who passes his life in +study. He, of all my permanent neighbors, was the person whose society +was the most agreeable to me. + +I was also acquainted at Montmorency with several fathers of the oratory, +and amongst others Father Berthier, professor of natural philosophy; to +whom, notwithstanding some little tincture of pedantry, I become attached +on account of a certain air of cordial good nature which I observed in +him. I had, however, some difficulty to reconcile this great simplicity +with the desire and the art he had of everywhere thrusting himself into +the company of the great, as well as that of the women, devotees, and +philosophers. He knew how to accommodate himself to every one. I was +greatly pleased with the man, and spoke of my satisfaction to all my +other acquaintances. Apparently what I said of him came to his ear. He +one day thanked me for having thought him a good-natured man. I observed +something in his forced smile which, in my eyes, totally changed his +physiognomy, and which has since frequently occurred to my mind. I +cannot better compare this smile than to that of Panurge purchasing the +Sheep of Dindenaut. Our acquaintance had begun a little time after my +arrival at the Hermitage, to which place he frequently came to see me. I +was already settled at Montmorency when he left it to go and reside at +Paris. He often saw Madam le Vasseur there. One day, when I least +expected anything of the kind, he wrote to me in behalf of that woman, +informing me that Grimm offered to maintain her, and to ask my permission +to accept the offer. This I understood consisted in a pension of three +hundred livres, and that Madam le Vasseur was to come and live at Deuil, +between the Chevrette and Montmorency. I will not say what impression +the application made on me. It would have been less surprising had Grimm +had ten thousand livres a year, or any relation more easy to comprehend +with that woman, and had not such a crime been made of my taking her to +the country, where, as if she had become younger, he was now pleased to +think of placing her. I perceived the good old lady had no other reason +for asking my permission, which she might easily have done without, but +the fear of losing what I already gave her, should I think ill of the +step she took. Although this charity appeared to be very extraordinary, +it did not strike me so much then as afterwards. But had I known even +everything I have since discovered, I should still as readily have given +my consent as I did and was obliged to do, unless I had exceeded the +offer of M. Grimm. Father Berthier afterwards cured me a little of my +opinion of his good nature and cordiality, with which I had so +unthinkingly charged him. + +This same Father Berthier was acquainted with two men, who, for what +reason I know not, were to become so with me; there was but little +similarity between their taste and mine. They were the children of +Melchisedec, of whom neither the country nor the family was known, no +more than, in all probability, the real name. They were Jansenists, and +passed for priests in disguise, perhaps on account of their ridiculous +manner of wearing long swords, to which they appeared to have been +fastened. The prodigious mystery in all their proceedings gave them the +appearance of the heads of a party, and I never had the least doubt of +their being the authors of the 'Gazette Ecclesiastique'. The one, tall, +smooth-tongued, and sharping, was named Ferrand; the other, short, squat, +a sneerer, and punctilious, was a M. Minard. They called each other +cousin. They lodged at Paris with D'Alembert, in the house of his nurse +named Madam Rousseau, and had taken at Montmorency a little apartment to +pass the summers there. They did everything for themselves, and had +neither a servant nor runner; each had his turn weekly to purchase +provisions, do the business of the kitchen, and sweep the house. They +managed tolerably well, and we sometimes ate with each other. I know not +for what reason they gave themselves any concern about me: for my part, +my only motive for beginning an acquaintance with them was their playing +at chess, and to make a poor little party I suffered four hours' fatigue. +As they thrust themselves into all companies, and wished to intermeddle +in everything, Theresa called them the gossips, and by this name they +were long known at Montmorency. + +Such, with my host M. Mathas, who was a good man, were my principal +country acquaintance. I still had a sufficient number at Paris to live +there agreeably whenever I chose it, out of the sphere of men of letters, +amongst whom Duclos, was the only friend I reckoned: for De Levre was +still too young, and although, after having been a witness to the +manoeuvres of the philosophical tribe against me, he had withdrawn from +it, at least I thought so, I could not yet forget the facility with which +he made himself the mouthpiece of all the people of that description. + +In the first place I had my old and respectable friend Roguin. This was +a good old-fashioned friend for whom I was not indebted to my writings +but to myself, and whom for that reason I have always preserved. I had +the good Lenieps, my countryman, and his daughter, then alive, Madam +Lambert. I had a young Genevese, named Coindet, a good creature, +careful, officious, zealous, who came to see me soon after I had gone to +reside at the Hermitage, and, without any other introducer than himself, +had made his way into my good graces. He had a taste for drawing, and +was acquainted with artists. He was of service to me relative to the +engravings of the New Eloisa; he undertook the direction of the drawings +and the plates, and acquitted himself well of the commission. + +I had free access to the house of M. Dupin, which, less brilliant than in +the young days of Madam Dupin, was still, by the merit of the heads of +the family, and the choice of company which assembled there, one of the +best houses in Paris. As I had not preferred anybody to them, and had +separated myself from their society to live free and independent, they +had always received me in a friendly manner, and I was always certain of +being well received by Madam Dupin. I might even have counted her +amongst my country neighbors after her establishment at Clichy, to which +place I sometimes went to pass a day or two, and where I should have been +more frequently had Madam Dupin and Madam de Chenonceaux been upon better +terms. But the difficulty of dividing my time in the same house between +two women whose manner of thinking was unfavorable to each other, made +this disagreeable: however I had the pleasure of seeing her more at my +ease at Deuil, where, at a trifling distance from me, she had taken a +small house, and even at my own habitation, where she often came to see +me. + +I had likewise for a friend Madam de Crequi, who, having become devout, +no longer received D'Alembert, Marmontel, nor a single man of letters, +except, I believe the Abbe Trublet, half a hypocrite, of whom she was +weary. I, whose acquaintance she had sought lost neither her good wishes +nor intercourse. She sent me young fat pullets from Mons, and her +intention was to come and see me the year following had not a journey, +upon which Madam de Luxembourg determined, prevented her. I here owe her +a place apart; she will always hold a distinguished one in my +remembrance. + +In this list I should also place a man whom, except Roguin, I ought to +have mentioned as the first upon it; my old friend and brother +politician, De Carrio, formerly titulary secretary to the embassy from +Spain to Venice, afterwards in Sweden, where he was charge des affaires, +and at length really secretary to the embassy from Spain at Paris. He +came and surprised me at Montmorency when I least expected him. He was +decorated with the insignia of a Spanish order, the name of which I have +forgotten, with a fine cross in jewelry. He had been obliged, in his +proofs of nobility, to add a letter to his name, and to bear that of the +Chevalier de Carrion. I found him still the same man, possessing the +same excellent heart, and his mind daily improving, and becoming more and +more amiable. We would have renewed our former intimacy had not Coindet +interposed according to custom, taken advantage of the distance I was at +from town to insinuate himself into my place, and, in my name, into his +confidence, and supplant me by the excess of his zeal to render me +services. + +The remembrance of Carrion makes me recollect one of my country +neighbors, of whom I should be inexcusable not to speak, as I have to +make confession of an unpardonable neglect of which I was guilty towards +him: this was the honest M. le Blond, who had done me a service at +Venice, and, having made an excursion to France with his family, had +taken a house in the country, at Birche, not far from Montmorency. + + [When I wrote this, full of my blind confidence, I was far from + suspecting the real motive and the effect of his journey to Paris.] + +As soon as I heard he was my neighbor, I, in the joy of my heart, and +making it more a pleasure than a duty, went to pay him a visit. I set +off upon this errand the next day. I was met by people who were coming +to see me, and with whom I was obliged to return. Two days afterwards I +set off again for the same purpose: he had dined at Paris with all his +family. A third time he was at home: I heard the voice of women, and +saw, at the door, a coach which alarmed me. I wished to see him, at +least for the first time, quite at my ease, that we might talk over what +had passed during our former connection. + +In fine, I so often postponed my visit from day to day, that the shame of +discharging a like duty so late prevented me from doing it at all; after +having dared to wait so long, I no longer dared to present myself. This +negligence, at which M. le Blond could not but be justly offended, gave, +relative to him, the appearance of ingratitude to my indolence, and yet I +felt my heart so little culpable that, had it been in my power to do M. +le Blond the least service, even unknown to himself, I am certain he +would not have found me idle. But indolence, negligence and delay in +little duties to be fulfilled have been more prejudicial to me than great +vices. My greatest faults have been omissions: I have seldom done what I +ought not to have done, and unfortunately it has still more rarely +happened that I have done what I ought. + +Since I am now upon the subject of my Venetian acquaintance, I must not +forget one which I still preserved for a considerable time after my +intercourse with the rest had ceased. This was M. de Joinville, who +continued after his return from Genoa to show me much friendship. He was +fond of seeing me and of conversing with me upon the affairs of Italy, +and the follies of M. de Montaigu, of whom he of himself knew many +anecdotes, by means of his acquaintance in the office for foreign affairs +in which he was much connected. I had also the pleasure of seeing at my +house my old comrade Dupont who had purchased a place in the province of +which he was, and whose affairs had brought him to Paris. M. de +Joinville became by degrees so desirous of seeing me, that he in some +measure laid me under constraint; and, although our places of residence +were at a great distance from each other, we had a friendly quarrel when +I let a week pass without going to dine with him. When he went to +Joinville he was always desirous of my accompanying him; but having once +been there to pass a week I had not the least desire to return. M. de +Joinville was certainly an honest man, and even amiable in certain +respects but his understanding was beneath mediocrity; he was handsome, +rather fond of his person and tolerably fatiguing. He had one of the +most singular collections perhaps in the world, to which he gave much of +his attention and endeavored to acquire it that of his friends, to whom +it sometimes afforded less amusement than it did to himself. This was a +complete collection of songs of the court and Paris for upwards of fifty +years past, in which many anecdotes were to be found that would have been +sought for in vain elsewhere. These are memoirs for the history of +France, which would scarcely be thought of in any other country. + +One day, whilst we were still upon the very best terms, he received me so +coldly and in a manner so different from that which was customary to him, +that after having given him an opportunity to explain, and even having +begged him to do it, I left his house with a resolution, in which I have +persevered, never to return to it again; for I am seldom seen where I +have been once ill received, and in this case there was no Diderot who +pleaded for M. de Joinville. I vainly endeavored to discover what I had +done to offend him; I could not recollect a circumstance at which he +could possibly have taken offence. I was certain of never having spoken +of him or his in any other than in the most honorable manner; for he had +acquired my friendship, and besides my having nothing but favorable +things to say of him, my most inviolable maxim has been that of never +speaking but in an honorable manner of the houses I frequented. + +At length, by continually ruminating. I formed the following conjecture: +the last time we had seen each other, I had supped with him at the +apartment of some girls of his acquaintance, in company with two or three +clerks in the office of foreign affairs, very amiable men, and who had +neither the manner nor appearance of libertines; and on my part, I can +assert that the whole evening passed in making melancholy reflections on +the wretched fate of the creatures with whom we were. I did not pay +anything, as M. de Joinville gave the supper, nor did I make the girls +the least present, because I gave them not the opportunity I had done to +the padoana of establishing a claim to the trifle I might have offered, +We all came away together, cheerfully and upon very good terms. Without +having made a second visit to the girls, I went three or four days +afterwards to dine with M. de Joinville, whom I had not seen during that +interval, and who gave me the reception of which I have spoken. Unable +to suppose any other cause for it than some misunderstanding relative to +the supper, and perceiving he had no inclination to explain, I resolved +to visit him no longer, but I still continued to send him my works: he +frequently sent me his compliments, and one evening, meeting him in the +green-room of the French theatre, he obligingly reproached me with not +having called to see him, which, however, did not induce me to depart +from my resolution. Therefore this affair had rather the appearance of a +coolness than a rupture. However, not having heard of nor seen him since +that time, it would have been too late after an absence of several years, +to renew my acquaintance with him. It is for this reason M. de Joinville +is not named in my list, although I had for a considerable time +frequented his house. + +I will not swell my catalogue with the names of many other persons with +whom I was or had become less intimate, although I sometimes saw them in +the country, either at my own house or that of some neighbor, such for +instance as the Abbes de Condillac and De Malby, M. de Mairan, De la +Lalive, De Boisgelou, Vatelet, Ancelet, and others. I will also pass +lightly over that of M. de Margency, gentleman in ordinary of the king, +an ancient member of the 'Coterie Holbachique', which he had quitted as +well as myself, and the old friend of Madam d'Epinay from whom he had +separated as I had done; I likewise consider that of M. Desmahis, his +friend, the celebrated but short-lived author of the comedy of the +Impertinent, of much the same importance. The first was my neighbor in +the country, his estate at Margency being near to Montmorency. We were +old acquaintances, but the neighborhood and a certain conformity of +experience connected us still more. The last died soon afterwards. He +had merit and even wit, but he was in some degree the original of his +comedy, and a little of a coxcomb with women, by whom he was not much +regretted. + +I cannot, however, omit taking notice of a new correspondence I entered +into at this period, which has had too much influence over the rest of my +life not to make it necessary for me to mark its origin. The person in +question is De Lamoignon de Malesherbes of the 'Cour des aides', then +censor of books, which office he exercised with equal intelligence and +mildness, to the great satisfaction of men of letters. I had not once +been to see him at Paris; yet I had never received from him any other +than the most obliging condescensions relative to the censorship, and I +knew that he had more than once very severely reprimanded persons who had +written against me. I had new proofs of his goodness upon the subject of +the edition of Eloisa. The proofs of so great a work being very +expensive from Amsterdam by post, he, to whom all letters were free, +permitted these to be addressed to him, and sent them to me under the +countersign of the chancellor his father. When the work was printed he +did not permit the sale of it in the kingdom until, contrary to my wishes +an edition had been sold for my benefit. As the profit of this would on +my part have been a theft committed upon Rey, to whom I had sold the +manuscript, I not only refused to accept the present intended me, without +his consent, which he very generously gave, but persisted upon dividing +with him the hundred pistoles (a thousand livres--forty pounds), the +amount of it but of which he would not receive anything. For these +hundred pistoles I had the mortification, against which M. de Malesherbes +had not guarded me, of seeing my work horribly mutilated, and the sale of +the good edition stopped until the bad one was entirely disposed of. + +I have always considered M. de Malesherbes as a man whose uprightness was +proof against every temptation. Nothing that has happened has even made +me doubt for a moment of his probity; but, as weak as he is polite, he +sometimes injures those he wishes to serve by the excess of his zeal to +preserve them from evil. He not only retrenched a hundred pages in the +edition of Paris, but he made another retrenchment, which no person but +the author could permit himself to do, in the copy of the good edition he +sent to Madam de Pompadour. It is somewhere said in that work that the +wife of a coal-heaver is more respectable than the mistress of a prince. +This phrase had occurred to me in the warmth of composition without any +application. In reading over the work I perceived it would be applied, +yet in consequence of the very imprudent maxim I had adopted of not +suppressing anything, on account of the application which might be made, +when my conscience bore witness to me that I had not made them at the +time I wrote, I determined not to expunge the phrase, and contented +myself with substituting the word Prince to King, which I had first +written. This softening did not seem sufficient to M. de Malesherbes: he +retrenched the whole expression in a new sheet which he had printed on +purpose and stuck in between the other with as much exactness as possible +in the copy of Madam de Pompadour. She was not ignorant of this +manoeuvre. Some good-natured people took the trouble to inform her of +it. For my part, it was not until a long time afterwards, and when I +began to feel the consequences of it, that the matter came to my +knowledge. + +Is not this the origin of the concealed but implacable hatred of another +lady who was in a like situation, without my knowing it, or even being +acquainted with her person when I wrote the passage? When the book was +published the acquaintance was made, and I was very uneasy. I mentioned +this to the Chevalier de Lorenzy, who laughed at me, and said the lady +was so little offended that she had not even taken notice of the matter. +I believed him, perhaps rather too lightly, and made myself easy when +there was much reason for my being otherwise. + +At the beginning of the winter I received an additional mark of the +goodness of M. de Malesherbes of which I was very sensible, although I +did not think proper to take advantage of it. A place was vacant in the +'Journal des Savans'. Margency wrote to me, proposing to me the place, +as from himself. But I easily perceived from the manner of the letter +that he was dictated to and authorized; he afterwards told me he had been +desired to make me the offer. The occupations of this place were but +trifling. All I should have had to do would have been to make two +abstracts a month, from the books brought to me for that purpose, without +being under the necessity of going once to Paris, not even to pay the +magistrate a visit of thanks. By this employment I should have entered a +society of men of letters of the first merit; M. de Mairan, Clairaut, De +Guignes and the Abbe Barthelemi, with the first two of whom I had already +made an acquaintance, and that of the two others was very desirable. In +fine, for this trifling employment, the duties of which I might so +commodiously have discharged, there was a salary of eight hundred livres +(thirty-three pounds); I was for a few hours undecided, and this from a +fear of making Margency angry and displeasing M. de Malesherbes. But at +length the insupportable constraint of not having it in my power to work +when I thought proper, and to be commanded by time; and moreover the +certainty of badly performing the functions with which I was to charge +myself, prevailed over everything, and determined me to refuse a place +for which I was unfit. I knew that my whole talent consisted in a +certain warmth of mind with respect to the subjects of what I had to +treat, and that nothing but the love of that which was great, beautiful +and sublime, could animate my genius. What would the subjects of the +extracts I should have had to make from books, or even the books +themselves, have signified to me? My indifference about them would have +frozen my pen, and stupefied my mind. People thought I could make a +trade of writing, as most of the other men of letters did, instead of +which I never could write but from the warmth of imagination. This +certainly was not necessary for the 'Journal des Savans'. I therefore +wrote to Margency a letter of thanks, in the politest terms possible, and +so well explained to him my reasons, that it was not possible that either +he or M. de Malesherbes could imagine there was pride or ill-humor in my +refusal. They both approved of it without receiving me less politely, +and the secret was so well kept that it was never known to the public. + +The proposition did not come in a favorable moment. I had some time +before this formed the project of quitting literature, and especially the +trade of an author. I had been disgusted with men of letters by +everything that had lately befallen me, and had learned from experience +that it was impossible to proceed in the same track without having some +connections with them. I was not much less dissatisfied with men of the +world, and in general with the mixed life I had lately led, half to +myself and half devoted to societies for which I was unfit. I felt more +than ever, and by constant experience, that every unequal association is +disadvantageous to the weaker person. Living with opulent people, and in +a situation different from that I had chosen, without keeping a house as +they did, I was obliged to imitate them in many things; and little +expenses, which were nothing to their fortunes, were for me not less +ruinous than indispensable. Another man in the country-house of a +friend, is served by his own servant, as well at table as in his chamber; +he sends him to seek for everything he wants; having nothing directly to +do with the servants of the house, not even seeing them, he gives them +what he pleases, and when he thinks proper; but I, alone, and without a +servant, was at the mercy of the servants of the house, of whom it was +necessary to gain the good graces, that I might not have much to suffer; +and being treated as the equal of their master, I was obliged to treat +them accordingly, and better than another would have done, because, in +fact, I stood in greater need of their services. This, where there are +but few domestics, may be complied with; but in the houses I frequented +there were a great number, and the knaves so well understood their +interests that they knew how to make me want the services of them all +successively. The women of Paris, who have so much wit, have no just +idea of this inconvenience, and in their zeal to economize my purse they +ruined me. If I supped in town, at any considerable distance from my +lodgings, instead of permitting me to send for a hackney coach, the +mistress of the house ordered her horses to be put to and sent me home in +her carriage. She was very glad to save me the twenty-four sous +(shilling) for the fiacre, but never thought of the half-crown I gave to +her coachman and footman. If a lady wrote to me from Paris to the Hermit +age or to Montmorency, she regretted the four sous (two pence) the +postage of the letter would have cost me, and sent it by one of her +servants, who came sweating on foot, and to whom I gave a dinner and half +a crown, which he certainly had well earned. If she proposed to me to +pass with her a week or a fortnight at her country-house, she still said +to herself, "It will be a saving to the poor man; during that time his +eating will cost him nothing." She never recollected that I was the +whole time idle, that the expenses of my family, my rent, linen and +clothes were still going on, that I paid my barber double that it cost me +more being in her house than in my own, and although I confined my +little largesses to the house in which I customarily lived, that these +were still ruinous to me. I am certain I have paid upwards of twenty- +five crowns in the house of Madam d'Houdetot, at Raubonne, where I never +slept more than four or five times, and upwards of a thousand livres +(forty pounds) as well at Epinay as at the Chevrette, during the five or +six years I was most assiduous there. These expenses are inevitable to a +man like me, who knows not how to provide anything for himself, and +cannot support the sight of a lackey who grumbles and serves him with a +sour look. With Madam Dupin, even where I was one of the family, and in +whose house I rendered many services to the servants, I never received +theirs but for my money. In course of time it was necessary to renounce +these little liberalities, which my situation no longer permitted me to +bestow, and I felt still more severely the inconvenience of associating +with people in a situation different from my own. + +Had this manner of life been to my taste, I should have been consoled for +a heavy expense, which I dedicated to my pleasures; but to ruin myself at +the same time that I fatigued my mind, was insupportable, and I had so +felt the weight of this, that, profiting by the interval of liberty I +then had, I was determined to perpetuate it, and entirely to renounce +great companies, the composition of books, and all literary concerns, and +for the remainder of my days to confine myself to the narrow and peaceful +sphere in which I felt I was born to move. + +The produce of this letter to D'Alembert, and of the New Elosia, had a +little improved the state of my finances, which had been considerably +exhausted at the Hermitage. Emilius, to which, after I had finished +Eloisa, I had given great application, was in forwardness, and the +produce of this could not be less than the sum of which I was already in +possession. I intended to place this money in such a manner as to +produce me a little annual income, which, with my copying, might be +sufficient to my wants without writing any more. I had two other works +upon the stocks. The first of these was my 'Institutions Politiques'. +I examined the state of this work, and found it required several years' +labor. I had not courage enough to continue it, and to wait until it was +finished before I carried my intentions into execution. Therefore, +laying the book aside, I determined to take from it all I could, and to +burn the rest; and continuing this with zeal without interrupting +Emilius, I finished the 'Contrat Social'. + +The dictionary of music now remained. This was mechanical, and might be +taken up at any time; the object of it was entirely pecuniary. I +reserved to myself the liberty of laying it aside, or of finishing it at +my ease, according as my other resources collected should render this +necessary or superfluous. With respect to the 'Morale Sensitive', +of which I had made nothing more than a sketch, I entirely gave it up. + +As my last project, if I found I could not entirely do without copying, +was that of removing from Paris, where the affluence of my visitors +rendered my housekeeping expensive, and deprived me of the time I should +have turned to advantage to provide for it; to prevent in my retirement +the state of lassitude into which an author is said to fall when he has +laid down his pen, I reserved to myself an occupation which might fill up +the void in my solitude without tempting me to print anything more. +I know not for what reason they had long tormented me to write the +memoirs of my life. Although these were not until that time interesting +as to the facts, I felt they might become so by the candor with which I +was capable of giving them, and I determined to make of these the only +work of the kind, by an unexampled veracity, that, for once at least, the +world might see a man such as he internally was. I had always laughed at +the false ingenuousness of Montaigne, who, feigning to confess his +faults, takes great care not to give himself any, except such as are +amiable; whilst I, who have ever thought, and still think myself, +considering everything, the best of men, felt there is no human being, +however pure he maybe, who does not internally conceal some odious vice. +I knew I was described to the public very different from what I really +was, and so opposite, that notwithstanding my faults, all of which I was +determined to relate, I could not but be a gainer by showing myself in my +proper colors. This, besides, not being to be done without setting forth +others also in theirs and the work for the same reason not being of a +nature to appear during my lifetime, and that of several other persons, +I was the more encouraged to make my confession, at which I should never +have to blush before any person. I therefore resolved to dedicate my +leisure to the execution of this undertaking, and immediately began to +collect such letters and papers as might guide or assist my memory, +greatly regretting the loss of all I had burned, mislaid and destroyed. + +The project of absolute retirement, one of the most reasonable I had ever +formed, was strongly impressed upon my mind, and for the execution of it +I was already taking measures, when Heaven, which prepared me a different +destiny, plunged me into a another vortex. + +Montmorency, the ancient and fine patrimony of the illustrious family of +that name, was taken from it by confiscation. It passed by the sister of +Duke Henry, to the house of Conde, which has changed the name of +Montmorency to that of Enguien, and the duchy has no other castle than an +old tower, where the archives are kept, and to which the vassals come to +do homage. But at Montmorency, or Enguien, there is a private house, +built by Crosat, called 'le pauvre', which having the magnificence of the +most superb chateaux, deserves and bears the name of a castle. The +majestic appearance of this noble edifice, the view from it, not equalled +perhaps in any country; the spacious saloon, painted by the hand of a +master; the garden, planted by the celebrated Le Notre; all combined to +form a whole strikingly majestic, in which there is still a simplicity +that enforces admiration. The Marechal Duke de Luxembourg who then +inhabited this house, came every year into the neighborhood where +formerly his ancestors were the masters, to pass, at least, five or six +weeks as a private inhabitant, but with a splendor which did not +degenerate from the ancient lustre of his family. On the first journey +he made to it after my residing at Montmorency, he and his lady sent to +me a valet de chambre, with their compliments, inviting me to sup with +them as often as it should be agreeable to me; and at each time of their +coming they never failed to reiterate the same compliments and +invitation. This called to my recollection Madam Beuzenval sending me to +dine in the servants' hall. Times were changed; but I was still the same +man. I did not choose to be sent to dine in the servants' hall, and was +but little desirous of appearing at the table of the great I should have +been much better pleased had they left me as I was, without caressing me +and rendering me ridiculous. I answered politely and respectfully to +Monsieur and Madam de Luxembourg, but I did not accept their offers, and +my indisposition and timidity, with my embarrassment in speaking; making +me tremble at the idea alone of appearing in an assembly of people of the +court. I did not even go to the castle to pay a visit of thanks, +although I sufficiently comprehended this was all they desired, and that +their eager politeness was rather a matter of curiosity than benevolence. + +However, advances still were made, and even became more pressing. +The Countess de Boufflers, who was very intimate with the lady of the +marechal, sent to inquire after my health, and to beg I would go and see +her. I returned her a proper answer, but did not stir from my house. +At the journey of Easter, the year following, 1759, the Chevalier de +Lorenzy, who belonged to the court of the Prince of Conti, and was +intimate with Madam de Luxembourg, came several times to see me, and we +became acquainted; he pressed me to go to the castle, but I refused to +comply. At length, one afternoon, when I least expected anything of the +kind, I saw coming up to the house the Marechal de Luxembourg, followed +by five or six persons. There was now no longer any means of defence; +and I could not, without being arrogant and unmannerly, do otherwise than +return this visit, and make my court to Madam la Marechale, from whom the +marechal had been the bearer of the most obliging compliments to me. +Thus, under unfortunate auspices, began the connections from which I +could no longer preserve myself, although a too well-founded foresight +made me afraid of them until they were made. + +I was excessively afraid of Madam de Luxembourg. I knew, she was amiable +as to manner. I had seen her several times at the theatre, and with the +Duchess of Boufflers, and in the bloom of her beauty; but she was said to +be malignant; and this in a woman of her rank made me tremble. I had +scarcely seen her before I was subjugated. I thought her charming, with +that charm proof against time and which had the most powerful action upon +my heart. I expected to find her conversation satirical and full of +pleasantries and points. It was not so; it was much better. The +conversation of Madam de Luxembourg is not remarkably full of wit; it has +no sallies, nor even finesse; it is exquisitely delicate, never striking, +but always pleasing. Her flattery is the more intoxicating as it is +natural; it seems to escape her involuntarily, and her heart to overflow +because it is too full. I thought I perceived, on my first visit, that +notwithstanding my awkward manner and embarrassed expression, I was not +displeasing to her. All the women of the court know how to persuade us +of this when they please, whether it be true or not, but they do not all, +like Madam de Luxembourg, possess the art of rendering that persuasion so +agreeable that we are no longer disposed ever to have a doubt remaining. +From the first day my confidence in her would have been as full as it +soon afterwards became, had not the Duchess of Montmorency, her daughter- +in-law, young, giddy, and malicious also, taken it into her head to +attack me, and in the midst of the eulogiums of her mamma, and feigned +allurements on her own account, made me suspect I was only considered by +them as a subject of ridicule. + +It would perhaps have been difficult to relieve me from this fear with +these two ladies had not the extreme goodness of the marechal confirmed +me in the belief that theirs was not real. Nothing is more surprising, +considering my timidity, than the promptitude with which I took him at +his word on the footing of equality to which he would absolutely reduce +himself with me, except it be that with which he took me at mine with +respect to the absolute independence in which I was determined to live. +Both persuaded I had reason to be content with my situation, and that I +was unwilling to change it, neither he nor Madam de Luxembourg seemed to +think a moment of my purse or fortune; although I can have no doubt of +the tender concern they had for me, they never proposed to me a place nor +offered me their interest, except it were once, when Madam de Luxembourg +seemed to wish me to become a member of the French Academy. I alleged my +religion; this she told me was no obstacle, or if it was one she engaged +to remove it. I answered, that however great the honor of becoming a +member of so illustrious a body might be, having refused M. de Tressan, +and, in some measure, the King of Poland, to become a member of the +Academy at Nancy, I could not with propriety enter into any other. Madam +de Luxembourg did not insist, and nothing more was said upon the subject. +This simplicity of intercourse with persons of such rank, and who had the +power of doing anything in my favor, M. de Luxembourg being, and highly +deserving to be, the particular friend of the king, affords a singular +contrast with the continual cares, equally importunate and officious, of +the friends and protectors from whom I had just separated, and who +endeavored less to serve me than to render me contemptible. + +When the marechal came to see me at Mont Louis, I was uneasy at receiving +him and his retinue in my only chamber; not because I was obliged to make +them all sit down in the midst of my dirty plates and broken pots, but on +account of the state of the floor, which was rotten and falling to ruin, +and I was afraid the weight of his attendants would entirely sink it. +Less concerned on account of my own danger than for that to which the +affability of the marechal exposed him, I hastened to remove him from it +by conducting him, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, to my +alcove, which was quite open to the air, and had no chimney. When he was +there I told him my reason for having brought him to it; he told it to +his lady, and they both pressed me to accept, until the floor was +repaired, a lodging of the castle; or, if I preferred it, in a separate +edifice called the Little Castle which was in the middle of the park. +This delightful abode deserves to be spoken of. + +The park or garden of Montmorency is not a plain, like that of the +Chevrette. It is uneven, mountainous, raised by little hills and +valleys, of which the able artist has taken advantage; and thereby varied +his groves, ornaments, waters, and points of view, and, if I may so +speak, multiplied by art and genius a space in itself rather narrow. +This park is terminated at the top by a terrace and the castle; at bottom +it forms a narrow passage which opens and becomes wider towards the +valley, the angle of which is filled up with a large piece of water. +Between the orangery, which is in this widening, and the piece of water, +the banks of which are agreeably decorated, stands the Little Castle of +which I have spoken. This edifice, and the ground about it, formerly +belonged to the celebrated Le Brun, who amused himself in building and +decorating it in the exquisite taste of architectual ornaments which that +great painter had formed to himself. The castle has since been rebuilt, +but still, according to the plan and design of its first master. It is +little and simple, but elegant. As it stands in a hollow between the +orangery and the large piece of water, and consequently is liable to be +damp, it is open in the middle by a peristyle between two rows of +columns, by which means the air circulating throughout the whole edifice +keeps it dry, notwithstanding its unfavorable situation. When the +building is seen from the opposite elevation, which is a point of view, +it appears absolutely surrounded with water, and we imagine we have +before our eyes an enchanted island, or the most beautiful of the three +Boromeans, called Isola Bella, in the greater lake. + +In this solitary edifice I was offered the choice of four complete +apartments it contains, besides the ground floor, consisting of a dancing +room, billiard room and a kitchen. I chose the smallest over the +kitchen, which also I had with it. It was charmingly neat, with blue and +white furniture. In this profound and delicious solitude, in the midst +of the woods, the singing of birds of every kind, and the perfume of +orange flowers, I composed, in a continual ecstasy, the fifth book of +Emilius, the coloring of which I owe in a great measure to the lively +impression I received from the place I inhabited. + +With what eagerness did I run every morning at sunrise to respire the +perfumed air in the peristyle! What excellent coffee I took there tete- +a-tete with my Theresa. My cat and dog were our company. This retinue +alone would have been sufficient for me during my whole life, in which I +should not have had one weary moment. I was there in a terrestrial +paradise; I lived in innocence and tasted of happiness. + +At the journey of July, M. and Madam de Luxembourg showed me so much +attention, and were so extremely kind, that, lodged in their house, and +overwhelmed with their goodness, I could not do less than make them a +proper return in assiduous respect near their persons; I scarcely quitted +them; I went in the morning to pay my court to Madam la Marechale; after +dinner I walked with the marechal; but did not sup at the castle on +account of the numerous guests, and because they supped too late for me. +Thus far everything was as it should be, and no harm would have been done +could I have remained at this point. But I have never known how to +preserve a medium in my attachments, and simply fulfil the duties of +society. I have ever been everything or nothing. I was soon everything; +and receiving the most polite attention from persons of the highest rank, +I passed the proper bounds, and conceived for them a friendship not +permitted except among equals. Of these I had all the familiarity in my +manners, whilst they still preserved in theirs the same politeness to +which they had accustomed me. Yet I was never quite at my ease with +Madam de Luxembourg. Although I was not quite relieved from my fears +relative to her character, I apprehended less danger from it than from +her wit. It was by this especially that she impressed me with awe. +I knew she was difficult as to conversation, and she had a right to be +so. I knew women, especially those of her rank, would absolutely be +amused, that it was better to offend than to weary them, and I judged by +her commentaries upon what the people who went away had said what she +must think of my blunders. I thought of an expedient to spare me with +her the embarrassment of speaking; this was reading. She had heard of my +Eloisa, and knew it was in the press; she expressed a desire to see the +work; I offered to read it to her, and she accepted my offer. I went to +her every morning at ten o'clock; M. de Luxembourg was present, and the +door was shut. I read by the side of her bed, and so well proportioned +my readings that there would have been sufficient for the whole time she +had to stay, had they even not been interrupted. + + [The loss of a great battle, which much afflicted the King, + obliged M. de Luxembourg precipitately to return to court.] + +The success of this expedient surpassed my expectation. Madam de +Luxembourg took a great liking to Julia and the author; she spoke of +nothing but me, thought of nothing else, said civil things to me from +morning till night, and embraced me ten times a day. She insisted on me +always having my place by her side at table, and when any great lords +wished it she told them it was mine, and made them sit down somewhere +else. The impression these charming manners made upon me, who was +subjugated by the least mark of affection, may easily be judged of. +I became really attached to her in proportion to the attachment she +showed me. All my fear in perceiving this infatuation, and feeling the +want of agreeableness in myself to support it, was that it would be +changed into disgust; and unfortunately this fear was but too well +founded. + +There must have been a natural opposition between her turn of mind and +mine, since, independently of the numerous stupid things which at every +instant escaped me in conversation, and even in my letters, and when I +was upon the best terms with her, there were certain other things with +which she was displeased without my being able to imagine the reason. +I will quote one instance from among twenty. She knew I was writing for +Madam d'Houdetot a copy of the New Eloisa. She was desirous to have one +on the same footing. This I promised her, and thereby making her one of +my customers, I wrote her a polite letter upon the subject, at least such +was my intention. Her answer, which was as follows, stupefied me with +surprise. + + VERSAILLES, Tuesday. + +"I am ravished, I am satisfied: your letter has given me infinite +pleasure, and I take the earliest moment to acquaint you with, and thank +you for it. + +"These are the exact words of your letter: 'Although you are certainly a +very good customer, I have some pain in receiving your money: according +to regular order I ought to pay for the pleasure I should have in working +for you.' I will say nothing more on the subject. I have to complain of +your not speaking of your state of health: nothing interests me more. +I love you with all my heart: and be assured that I write this to you in +a very melancholy mood, for I should have much pleasure in telling it to +you myself. M. de Luxembourg loves and embraces you with all his heart. + +"On receiving the letter I hastened to answer it, reserving to myself more +fully to examine the matter, protesting against all disobliging +interpretation, and after having given several days to this examination +with an inquietude which may easily be conceived, and still without being +able to discover in what I could have erred, what follows was my final +answer on the subject. + + "MONTMORENCY, 8th December, 1759. + +"Since my last letter I have examined a hundred times the passage in +question. I have considered it in its proper and natural meaning, as +well as in every other which may be given to it, and I confess to you, +madam, that I know not whether it be I who owe to you excuses, or you +from whom they are due to me." + +It is now ten years since these letters were written. I have since that +time frequently thought of the subject of them; and such is still my +stupidity that I have hitherto been unable to discover what in the +passages, quoted from my letter, she could find offensive, or even +displeasing. + +I must here mention, relative to the manuscript copy of Eloisa Madam de +Luxembourg wished to have, in what manner I thought to give it some +marked advantage which should distinguish it from all others. I had +written separately the adventures of Lord Edward, and had long been +undetermined whether I should insert them wholly, or in extracts, in the +work in which they seemed to be wanting. I at length determined to +retrench them entirely, because, not being in the manner of the rest, +they would have spoiled the interesting simplicity, which was its +principal merit. I had still a stronger reason when I came to know Madam +de Luxembourg: There was in these adventures a Roman marchioness, of a +bad character, some parts of which, without being applicable, might have +been applied to her by those to whom she was not particularly known. +I was therefore, highly pleased with the determination to which I had +come, and resolved to abide by it. But in the ardent desire to enrich +her copy with something which was not in the other, what should I fall +upon but these unfortunate adventures, and I concluded on making an +extract from them to add to the work; a project dictated by madness, of +which the extravagance is inexplicable, except by the blind fatality +which led me on to destruction. + + 'Quos vult perdere Jupiter dementet.' + +I was stupid enough to make this extract with the greatest care and +pains, and to send it her as the finest thing in the world; it is true, +I at the same time informed her the original was burned, which was really +the case, that the extract was for her alone, and would never be seen, +except by herself, unless she chose to show it; which, far from proving, +to her my prudence and discretion, as it was my intention to do, clearly +intimated what I thought of the application by which she might be +offended. My stupidity was such, that I had no doubt of her being +delighted with what I had done. She did not make me the compliment upon +it which I expected, and, to my great surprise, never once mentioned the +paper I had sent her. I was so satisfied with myself, that it was not +until a long time afterwards, I judged, from other indications, of the +effect it had produced. + +I had still, in favor of her manuscript, another idea more reasonable, +but which, by more distant effects, has not been much less prejudicial to +me; so much does everything concur with the work of destiny, when that +hurries on a man to misfortune. I thought of ornamenting the manuscript +with the engravings of the New Eloisa, which were of the same size. I +asked Coindet for these engravings, which belonged to me by every kind of +title, and the more so as I had given him the produce of the plates, +which had a considerable sale. Coindet is as cunning as I am the +contrary. By frequently asking him for the engravings he came to the +knowledge of the use I intended to make of them. He then, under pretence +of adding some new ornament, still kept them from me; and at length +presented them himself. + + 'Ego versiculos feci, tulit alter honores.' + +This gave him an introduction upon a certain footing to the Hotel de +Luxembourg. After my establishment at the little castle he came rather +frequently to see me, and always in the morning, especially when M. and +Madam de Luxembourg were at Montmorency. Therefore that I might pass the +day with him, I did not go the castle. Reproaches were made me on +account of my absence; I told the reason of them. I was desired to bring +with me M. Coindet; I did so. This was, what he had sought after. +Therefore, thanks to the excessive goodness M. and Madam de Luxembourg +had for me, a clerk to M. Thelusson, who was sometimes pleased to give +him his table when he had nobody else to dine with him, was suddenly +placed at that of a marechal of France, with princes, duchesses, and +persons of the highest rank at court. I shall never forget, that one day +being obliged to return early to Paris, the marechal said, after dinner, +to the company, "Let us take a walk upon the road to St. Denis, and we +will accompany M. Coindet." This was too much for the poor man; his head +was quite turned. For my part, my heart was so affected that I could not +say a word. I followed the company, weeping like a child, and having the +strongest desire to kiss the foot of the good marechal; but the +continuation of the history of the manuscript has made me anticipate. +I will go a little back, and, as far as my memory will permit, mark each +event in its proper order. + +As soon as the little house of Mont Louis was ready, I had it neatly +furnished and again established myself there. I could not break through +the resolution I had made on quitting the Hermitage of always having my +apartment to myself; but I found a difficulty in resolving to quit the +little castle. I kept the key of it, and being delighted with the +charming breakfasts of the peristyle, frequently went to the castle to +sleep, and stayed three or four days as at a country-house. I was at +that time perhaps better and more agreeably lodged than any private +individual in Europe. My host, M. Mathas, one of the best men in the +world, had left me the absolute direction of the repairs at Mont Louis, +and insisted upon my disposing of his workmen without his interference. +I therefore found the means of making of a single chamber upon the first +story, a complete set of apartments consisting of a chamber, antechamber, +and a water closet. Upon the ground-floor was the kitchen and the +chamber of Theresa. The alcove served me for a closet by means of a +glazed partition and a chimney I had made there. After my return to this +habitation, I amused myself in decorating the terrace, which was already +shaded by two rows of linden trees; I added two others to make a cabinet +of verdure, and placed in it a table and stone benches: I surrounded it +with lilies, syringa and woodbines, and had a beautiful border of flowers +parallel with the two rows of trees. This terrace, more elevated than +that of the castle, from which the view was at least as fine, and where I +had tamed a great number of birds, was my drawing-room, in which I +received M. and Madam de Luxembourg, the Duke of Villeroy, the Prince of +Tingry, the Marquis of Armentieres, the Duchess of Montmorency, the +Duchess of Bouffiers, the Countess of Valentinois, the Countess of +Boufflers, and other persons of the first rank; who, from the castle +disdained not to make, over a very fatiguing mountain, the pilgrimage of +Mont Louis. I owed all these visits to the favor of M. and Madam de +Luxembourg; this I felt, and my heart on that account did them all due +homage. It was with the same sentiment that I once said to M. de +Luxembourg, embracing him: "Ah! Monsieur le Marechal, I hated the great +before I knew you, and I have hated them still more since you have shown +me with what ease they might acquire universal respect." Further than +this I defy any person with whom I was then acquainted, to say I was ever +dazzled for an instant with splendor, or that the vapor of the incense I +received ever affected my head; that I was less uniform in my manner, +less plain in my dress, less easy of access to people of the lowest rank, +less familiar with neighbors, or less ready to render service to every +person when I had it in my power so to do, without ever once being +discouraged by the numerous and frequently unreasonable importunities +with which I was incessantly assailed. + +Although my heart led me to the castle of Montmorency, by my sincere +attachment to those by whom it was inhabited, it by the same means drew +me back to the neighborhood of it, there to taste the sweets of the equal +and simple life, in which my only happiness consisted. Theresa had +contracted a friendship with the daughter of one of my neighbors, a mason +of the name of Pilleu; I did the same with the father, and after having +dined at the castle, not without some constraint, to please Madam de +Luxembourg, with what eagerness did I return in the evening to sup with +the good man Pilleu and his family, sometimes at his own house and at +others, at mine. + +Besides my two lodgings in the country, I soon had a third at the Hotel +de Luxembourg, the proprietors of which pressed me so much to go and see +them there, that I consented, notwithstanding my aversion to Paris, +where, since my retiring to the Hermitage, I had been but twice, upon the +two occasions of which I have spoken. I did not now go there except on +the days agreed upon, solely to supper, and the next morning I returned +to the country. I entered and came out by the garden which faces the +boulevard, so that I could with the greatest truth, say I had not set my +foot upon the stones of Paris. + +In the midst of this transient prosperity, a catastrophe, which was to be +the conclusion of it, was preparing at a distance. A short time after my +return to Mont Louis, I made there, and as it was customary, against my +inclination, a new acquaintance, which makes another era in my private +history. Whether this be favorable or unfavorable, the reader will +hereafter be able to judge. The person with whom I became acquainted was +the Marchioness of Verdelin, my neighbor, whose husband had just bought +a country-house at Soisy, near Montmorency. Mademoiselle d'Ars, daughter +to the Comte d'Ars, a man of fashion, but poor, had married M. de +Verdelin, old, ugly, deaf, uncouth, brutal, jealous, with gashes in his +face, and blind of one eye, but, upon the whole, a good man when properly +managed, and in possession of a fortune of from fifteen to twenty +thousand a year. This charming object, swearing, roaring, scolding, +storming, and making his wife cry all day long, ended by doing whatever +she thought proper, and this to set her in a rage, because she knew how +to persuade him that it was he who would, and she would not have it so. +M. de Margency, of whom I have spoken, was the friend of madam, and +became that of monsieur. He had a few years before let them his castle +of Margency, near Eaubonne and Andilly, and they resided there precisely +at the time of my passion for Madam d'Houdetot. Madam d'Houdetot and +Madam de Verdelin became acquainted with each other, by means of Madam +d'Aubeterre their common friend; and as the garden of Margency was in the +road by which Madam d'Houdetot went to Mont Olympe, her favorite walk, +Madam de Verdelin gave her a key that she might pass through it. By +means of this key I crossed it several times with her; but I did not like +unexpected meetings, and when Madam de Verdelin was by chance upon our +way I left them together without speaking to her, and went on before. +This want of gallantry must have made on her an impression unfavorable to +me. Yet when she was at Soisy she was anxious to have my company. She +came several times to see me at Mont Louis, without finding me at home, +and perceiving I did not return her visit, took it into her head, as a +means of forcing me to do it, to send me pots of flowers for my terrace. +I was under the necessity of going to thank her; this was all she wanted, +and we thus became acquainted. + +This connection, like every other I formed; or was led into contrary to +my inclination, began rather boisterously. There never reigned in it a +real calm. The turn of mind of Madam de Verdelinwas too opposite to +mine. Malignant expressions and pointed sarcasms came from her with so +much simplicity, that a continual attention too fatiguing for me was +necessary to perceive she was turning into ridicule the person to whom +she spoke. One trivial circumstance which occurs to my recollection will +be sufficient to give an idea of her manner. Her brother had just +obtained the command of a frigate cruising against the English. I spoke +of the manner of fitting out this frigate without diminishing its +swiftness of sailing. "Yes," replied she, in the most natural tone of +voice, "no more cannon are taken than are necessary for fighting." +I seldom have heard her speak well of any of her absent friends without +letting slip something to their prejudice. What she did not see with an +evil eye she looked upon with one of ridicule, and her friend Margency +was not excepted. What I found most insupportable in her was the +perpetual constraint proceeding from her little messages, presents and +billets, to which it was a labor for me to answer, and I had continual +embarrassments either in thanking or refusing. However, by frequently +seeing this lady I became attached to her. She had her troubles as well +as I had mine. Reciprocal confidence rendered our conversations +interesting. Nothing so cordially attaches two persons as the +satisfaction of weeping together. We sought the company of each other +for our reciprocal consolation, and the want of this has frequently made +me pass over many things. I had been so severe in my frankness with her, +that after having sometimes shown so little esteem for her character, a +great deal was necessary to be able to believe she could sincerely +forgive me. + +The following letter is a specimen of the epistles I sometimes wrote to +her, and it is to be remarked that she never once in any of her answers +to them seemed to be in the least degree piqued. + + MONTMORENCY, 5th November, 1760. + +"You tell me, madam, you have not well explained yourself, in order to +make me understand I have explained myself ill. You speak of your +pretended stupidity for the purpose of making me feel my own. You boast +of being nothing more than a good kind of woman, as if you were afraid to +being taken at your word, and you make me apologies to tell me I owe them +to you. Yes, madam, I know it; it is I who am a fool, a good kind of +man; and, if it be possible, worse than all this; it is I who make a bad +choice of my expressions in the opinion of a fine French lady, who pays +as much attention to words, and speak as well as you do. But consider +that I take them in the common meaning of the language without knowing or +troubling my head about the polite acceptations in which they are taken +in the virtuous societies of Paris. If my expressions are sometimes +equivocal, I endeavored by my conduct to determine their meaning," etc. +The rest of the letter is much the same. + +Coindet, enterprising, bold, even to effrontery, and who was upon the +watch after all my friends, soon introduced himself in my name to the +house of Madam de Verdelin, and, unknown to me, shortly became there more +familiar than myself. This Coindet was an extraordinary man. He +presented himself in my name in the houses of all my acquaintance, gained +a footing in them, and eat there without ceremony. Transported with zeal +to do me service, he never mentioned my name without his eyes being +suffused with tears; but, when he came to see me, he kept the most +profound silence on the subject of all these connections, and especially +on that in which he knew I must be interested. Instead of telling me +what he had heard, said, or seen, relative to my affairs, he waited for +my speaking to him, and even interrogated me. He never knew anything of +what passed in Paris, except that which I told him: finally, although +everybody spoke to me of him, he never once spoke to me of any person; he +was secret and mysterious with his friend only; but I will for the +present leave Coindet and Madam de Verdelin, and return to them at a +proper time. + +Sometime after my return to Mont Louis, La Tour, the painter, came to see +me, and brought with him my portrait in crayons, which a few years before +he had exhibited at the salon. He wished to give me this portrait, which +I did not choose to accept. But Madam d'Epinay, who had given me hers, +and would have had this, prevailed upon me to ask him for it. He had +taken some time to retouch the features. In the interval happened my +rupture with Madam d'Epinay; I returned her her portrait; and giving her +mine being no longer in question, I put it into my chamber, in the +castle. M. de Luxembourg saw it there, and found it a good one; I +offered it him, he accepted it, and I sent it to the castle. He and his +lady comprehended I should be very glad to have theirs. They had them +taken in miniature by a very skilful hand, set in a box of rock crystal, +mounted with gold, and in a very handsome manner, with which I was +delighted, made me a present of both. Madam de Luxenbourg would never +consent that her portrait should be on the upper part of the box. She +had reproached me several times with loving M. de Luxembourg better than +I did her; I had not denied it because it was true. By this manner of +placing her portrait she showed very politely, but very clearly, she had +not forgotten the preference. + +Much about this time I was guilty of a folly which did not contribute to +preserve me to her good graces. Although I had no knowledge of M. de +Silhoutte, and was not much disposed to like him, I had a great opinion +of his administration. When he began to let his hand fall rather heavily +upon financiers, I perceived he did not begin his operation in a +favorable moment, but he had my warmest wishes for his success; and as +soon as I heard he was displaced I wrote to him, in my intrepid, heedless +manner, the following letter, which I certainly do not undertake to +justify. + + MONTMORENCY, 2d December, 1759. + +"Vouchsafe, sir, to receive the homage of a solitary man, who is not +known to you, but who esteems you for your talents, respects you for your +administration, and who did you the honor to believe you would not long +remain in it. Unable to save the State, except at the expense of the +capital by which it has been ruined, you have braved the clamors of the +gainers of money. When I saw you crush these wretches, I envied you your +place; and at seeing you quit it without departing from your system, +I admire you. Be satisfied with yourself, sir; the step you have taken +will leave you an honor you will long enjoy without a competitor. The +malediction of knaves is the glory of an honest man." + +Madam de Luxembourg, who knew I had written this letter, spoke to me of +it when she came into the country at Easter. I showed it to her and she +was desirous of a copy; this I gave her, but when I did it I did not know +she was interested in under-farms, and the displacing of M. de Silhoutte. +By my numerous follies any person would have imagined I wilfully +endeavored to bring on myself the hatred of an amiable woman who had +power, and to whom, in truth, I daily became more attached, and was far +from wishing to occasion her displeasure, although by my awkward manner +of proceeding, I did everything proper for that purpose. I think it +superfluous to remark here, that it is to her the history of the opiate +of M. Tronchin, of which I have spoken in the first part of my memoirs, +relates; the other lady was Madam de Mirepoix. They have never mentioned +to me the circumstance, nor has either of them, in the least, seemed to +have preserved a remembrance of it; but to presume that Madam de +Luxembourg can possibly have forgotten it appears to me very difficult, +and would still remain so, even were the subsequent events entirely +unknown. For my part, I fell into a deceitful security relative to the +effects of my stupid mistakes, by an internal evidence of my not having +taken any step with an intention to offend; as if a woman could ever +forgive what I had done, although she might be certain the will had not +the least part in the matter. + +Although she seemed not to see or feel anything, and that I did not +immediately find either her warmth of friendship diminished or the least +change in her manner, the continuation and even increase of a too well +founded foreboding made me incessantly tremble, lest disgust should +succeed to infatuation. Was it possible for me to expect in a lady of +such high rank, a constancy proof against my want of address to support +it? I was unable to conceal from her this secret foreboding, which made +me uneasy, and rendered me still more disagreeable. This will be judged +of by the following letter, which contains a very singular prediction. + +N. B. This letter, without date in my rough copy, was written in +October, 1760, at latest. + +"How cruel is your goodness? Why disturb the peace of a solitary mortal +who had renounced the pleasures of life, that he might no longer suffer +the fatigues of them. I have passed my days in vainly searching for +solid attachments. I have not been able to form any in the ranks to +which I was equal; is it in yours that I ought to seek for them? Neither +ambition nor interest can tempt me: I am not vain, but little fearful; I +can resist everything except caresses. Why do you both attack me by a +weakness which I must overcome, because in the distance by which we are +separated, the over-flowings of susceptible hearts cannot bring mine near +to you? Will gratitude be sufficient for a heart which knows not two +manners of bestowing its affections, and feels itself incapable of +everything except friendship? Of friendship, madam la marechale! Ah! +there is my misfortune! It is good in you and the marechal to make use +of this expression; but I am mad when I take you at your word. You amuse +yourselves, and I become attached; and the end of this prepares for me +new regrets. How I do hate all your titles, and pity you on account of +your being obliged to bear them? You seem to me to be so worthy of +tasting the charms of private life! Why do not you reside at Clarens? +I would go there in search of happiness; but the castle of Montmorency, +and the Hotel de Luxembourg! Is it in these places Jean Jacques ought to +be seen? Is it there a friend to equality ought to carry the affections +of a sensible heart, and who thus paying the esteem in which he is held, +thinks he returns as much as he receives? You are good and susceptible +also: this I know and have seen; I am sorry I was not sooner convinced of +it; but in the rank you hold, in the manner of living, nothing can make a +lasting impression; a succession of new objects efface each other so that +not one of them remains. You will forget me, madam, after having made it +impossible for me to imitate, you. You have done a great deal to make me +unhappy, to be inexcusable." + +I joined with her the marechal, to render the compliment less severe; for +I was moreover so sure of him, that I never had a doubt in my mind of the +continuation of his friendship. Nothing that intimidated me in madam la +marechale, ever for a moment extended to him. I never have had the least +mistrust relative to his character, which I knew to be feeble, but +constant. I no more feared a coldness on his part than I expected from +him an heroic attachment. The simplicity and familiarity of our manners +with each other proved how far dependence was reciprocal. We were both +always right: I shall ever honor and hold dear the memory of this worthy +man, and, notwithstanding everything that was done to detach him from me, +I am as certain of his having died my friend as if I had been present in +his last moments. + +At the second journey to Montmorency, in the year 1760, the reading of +Eloisa being finished, I had recourse to that of Emilius, to support +myself in the good graces of Madam de Luxembourg; but this, whether the +subject was less to her taste; or that so much reading at length fatigued +her, did not succeed so well. However, as she reproached me with +suffering myself to be the dupe of booksellers, she wished me to leave to +her care the printing the work, that I might reap from it a greater +advantage. I consented to her doing it, on the express condition of its +not being printed in France, on which we had along dispute; I affirming +that it was impossible to obtain, and even imprudent to solicit, a tacit +permission; and being unwilling to permit the impression upon any other +terms in the kingdom; she, that the censor could not make the least +difficulty, according to the system government had adopted. She found +means to make M. de Malesherbes enter into her views. He wrote to me on +the subject a long letter with his own hand, to prove the profession of +faith of the Savoyard vicar to be a composition which must everywhere +gain the approbation of its readers and that of the court, as things were +then circumstanced. I was surprised to see this magistrate, always so +prudent, become so smooth in the business, as the printing of a book was +by that alone legal, I had no longer any objection to make to that of the +work. Yet, by an extraordinary scruple, I still required it should be +printed in Holland, and by the bookseller Neaulme, whom, not satisfied +with indicating him, I informed of my wishes, consenting the edition +should be brought out for the profit of a French bookseller, and that as +soon as it was ready it should be sold at Paris, or wherever else it +might be thought proper, as with this I had no manner of concern. This +is exactly what was agreed upon between Madam de Luxembourg and myself, +after which I gave her my manuscript. + +Madam de Luxembourg was this time accompanied by her granddaughter +Mademoiselle de Boufflers, now Duchess of Lauzun. Her name was Amelia. +She was a charming girl. She really had a maiden beauty, mildness and +timidity. Nothing could be more lovely than her person, nothing more +chaste and tender than the sentiments she inspired. She was, besides, +still a child under eleven years of age. Madam de Luxembourg, who +thought her too timid, used every endeavor to animate her. She permitted +me several times to give her a kiss, which I did with my usual +awkwardness. Instead of saying flattering things to her, as any other +person would have done, I remained silent and disconcerted, and I know +not which of the two, the little girl or myself, was most ashamed. + +I met her one day alone in the staircase of the little castle. She had +been to see Theresa, with whom her governess still was. Not knowing what +else to say, I proposed to her a kiss, which, in the innocence of her +heart, she did not refuse; having in the morning received one from me by +order of her grandmother, and in her presence. The next day, while +reading Emilius by the side of the bed of Madam de Luxembourg, I came to +a passage in which I justly censure that which I had done the preceding +evening. She thought the reflection extremely just, and said some very +sensible things upon the subject which made me blush. How was I enraged +at my incredible stupidity, which has frequently given me the appearance +of guilt when I was nothing more than a fool and embarrassed! +A stupidity, which in a man known to be endowed with some wit, is +considered as a false excuse. I can safely swear that in this kiss, as +well as in the others, the heart and thoughts of Mademoiselle Amelia were +not more pure than my own, and that if I could have avoided meeting her I +should have done it; not that I had not great pleasure in seeing her, but +from the embarrassment of not finding a word proper to say. Whence comes +it that even a child can intimidate a man, whom the power of kings has +never inspired with fear? What is to be done? How, without presence of +mind, am I to act? If I strive to speak to the persons I meet, +I certainly say some stupid thing to them; if I remain silent, I am a +misanthrope, an unsociable animal, a bear. Total imbecility would have +been more favorable to me; but the talents which I have failed to improve +in the world have become the instruments of my destruction, and of that +of the talents I possessed. + +At the latter end of this journey, Madam de Luxembourg did a good action +in which I had some share. Diderot having very imprudently offended the +Princess of Robeck, daughter of M. de Luxembourg, Palissot, whom she +protected, took up the quarrel, and revenged her by the comedy of 'The +Philosophers', in which I was ridiculed, and Diderot very roughly +handled. The author treated me with more gentleness, less, I am of +opinion, on account of the obligation he was under to me, than from the +fear of displeasing the father of his protectress, by whom he knew I was +beloved. The bookseller Duchesne, with whom I was not at that time +acquainted, sent me the comedy when it was printed, and this I suspect +was by the order of Palissot, who, perhaps, thought I should have a +pleasure in seeing a man with whom I was no longer connected defamed. +He was greatly deceived. When I broke with Diderot, whom I thought less +ill-natured than weak and indiscreet, I still always preserved for his +person an attachment, an esteem even, and a respect for our ancient +friendship, which I know was for a long time as sincere on his part as on +mine. The case was quite different with Grimm; a man false by nature, +who never loved me, who is not even capable of friendship, and a person +who, without the least subject of complaint, and solely to satisfy his +gloomy jealousy, became, under the mask of friendship, my most cruel +calumniator. This man is to me a cipher; the other will always be my old +friend. + +My very bowels yearned at the sight of this odious piece: the reading of +it was insupportable to me, and, without going through the whole, I +returned the copy to Duchesne with the following letter: + + MONTMORENCY, 21st, May, 1760. + +"In casting my eyes over the piece you sent me, I trembled at seeing +myself well spoken of in it. I do not accept the horrid present. I am +persuaded that in sending it me, you did not intend an insult; but you do +not know, or have forgotten, that I have the honor to be the friend of a +respectable man, who is shamefully defamed and calumniated in this +libel." + +Duchense showed the letter. Diderot, upon whom it ought to have had an +effect quite contrary, was vexed at it. His pride could not forgive me +the superiority of a generous action, and I was informed his wife +everywhere inveighed against me with a bitterness with which I was not in +the least affected, as I knew she was known to everybody to be a noisy +babbler. + +Diderot in his turn found an avenger in the Abbe Morrellet, who wrote +against Palissot a little work, imitated from the 'Petit Prophete', +and entitled the Vision. In this production he very imprudently offended +Madam de Robeck, whose friends got him sent to the Bastile; though she, +not naturally vindictive, and at that time in a dying state, I am certain +had nothing to do with the affair. + +D'Alembert, who was very intimately connected with Morrellet, wrote me a +letter, desiring I would beg of Madam de Luxembourg to solicit his +liberty, promising her in return encomiums in the 'Encyclopedie'; +my answer to this letter was as follows: + +"I did not wait the receipt of your letter before I expressed to Madam de +Luxembourg the pain the confinement of the Abbe Morrellet gave me. She +knows my concern, and shall be made acquainted with yours, and her +knowing that the abbe is a man of merit will be sufficient to make her +interest herself in his behalf. However, although she and the marechal +honor me with a benevolence which is my greatest consolation, and that +the name of your friend be to them a recommendation in favor of the Abbe +Morrellet, I know not how far, on this occasion, it may be proper for +them to employ the credit attached to the rank they hold, and the +consideration due to their persons. I am not even convinced that the +vengeance in question relates to the Princess Robeck so much as you seem +to imagine; and were this even the case, we must not suppose that the +pleasure of vengeance belongs to philosophers exclusively, and that when +they choose to become women, women will become philosophers. + +"I will communicate to you whatever Madam de Luxembourg may say to me +after having shown her your letter. In the meantime, I think I know her +well enough to assure you that, should she have the pleasure of +contributing to the enlargement of the Abbe Morrellet, she will not +accept the tribute of acknowledgment you promise her in the Encyclopedie, +although she might think herself honored by it, because she does not do +good in the expectation of praise, but from the dictates of her heart." + +I made every effort to excite the zeal and commiseration of Madam de +Luxembourg in favor of the poor captive, and succeeded to my wishes. +She went to Versailles on purpose to speak to M. de St. Florentin, and +this journey shortened the residence at Montmorency, which the marechal +was obliged to quit at the same time to go to Rouen, whither the king +sent him as governor of Normandy, on account of the motions of the +parliament, which government wished to keep within bounds. Madam de +Luxembourg wrote me the following letter the day after her departure: + + VERSAILLES, Wednesday. + +"M. de Luxembourg set off yesterday morning at six o'clock. I do not yet +know that I shall follow him. I wait until he writes to me, as he is not +yet certain of the stay it will be necessary for him to make. I have +seen M. de St. Florentin, who is as favorably disposed as possible +towards the Abbe Morrellet; but he finds some obstacles to his wishes +which however, he is in hopes of removing the first time he has to do +business with the king, which will be next week. I have also desired as +a favor that he might not be exiled, because this was intended; he was to +be sent to Nancy. This, sir, is what I have been able to obtain; but I +promise you I will not let M. de St. Florentin rest until the affair is +terminated in the manner you desire. Let me now express to you how sorry +I am on account of my being obliged to leave you so soon, of which I +flatter myself you have not the least doubt. I love you with all my +heart, and shall do so for my whole life." + +A few days afterwards I received the following note from D'Alembert, +which gave me real joy. + + August 1st. + +"Thanks to your cares, my dear philosopher, the abbe has left the +Bastile, and his imprisonment will have no other consequence. He is +setting off for the country, and, as well as myself, returns you a +thousand thanks and compliments. 'Vale et me ama'." + +The abbe also wrote to me a few days afterwards a letter of thanks, which +did not, in my opinion, seem to breathe a certain effusion of the heart, +and in which he seemed in some measure to extenuate the service I had +rendered him. Some time afterwards, I found that he and D'Alembert had, +to a certain degree, I will not say supplanted, but succeeded me in the +good graces of Madam de Luxembourg, and that I Had lost in them all they +had gained. However, I am far from suspecting the Abbe Morrellet of +having contributed to my disgrace; I have too much esteem for him to +harbor any such suspicion. With respect to D'Alembert, I shall at +present leave him out of the question, and hereafter say of him what may +seem necessary. + +I had, at the same time, another affair which occasioned the last letter +I wrote to Voltaire; a letter against which he vehemently exclaimed, as +an abominable insult, although he never showed it to any person. I will +here supply the want of that which he refused to do. + +The Abbe Trublet, with whom I had a slight acquaintance, but whom I had +but seldom seen, wrote to me on the 13th of June, 1760, informing me that +M. Formey, his friend and correspondent, had printed in his journal my +letter to Voltaire upon the disaster at Lisbon. The abbe wished to know +how the letter came to be printed, and in his jesuitical manner, asked me +my opinion, without giving me his own on the necessity of reprinting it. +As I most sovereignly hate this kind of artifice and strategem, I +returned such thanks as were proper, but in a manner so reserved as to +make him feel it, although this did not prevent him from wheedling me in +two or three other letters until he had gathered all he wished to know. + +I clearly understood that, not withstanding all Trublet could say, Formey +had not found the letter printed, and that the first impression of it +came from himself. I knew him to be an impudent pilferer, who, without +ceremony, made himself a revenue by the works of others. Although he had +not yet had the incredible effrontery to take from a book already +published the name of the author, to put his own in the place of it, and +to sell the book for his own profit. + + [In this manner he afterwards appropriated to himself Emilius.] + +But by what means had this manuscript fallen into his hands? That was a +question not easy to resolve, but by which I had the weakness to be +embarrassed. Although Voltaire was excessively honored by the letter, +as in fact, notwithstanding his rude proceedings, he would have had a +right to complain had I had it printed without his consent, I resolved to +write to him upon the subject. The second letter was as follows, to +which he returned no answer, and giving greater scope to his brutality, +he feigned to be irritated to fury. + + MONTMORENCY, 17th June, 1760. + +"I did not think, sir, I should ever have occasion to correspond with +you. But learning the letter I wrote to you in 1756 had been printed at +Berlin, I owe you an account of my conduct in that respect, and will +fulfil this duty with truth and simplicity. + +"The letter having really been addressed to you was not intended to be +printed. I communicated the contents of it, on certain conditions, to +three persons, to whom the right of friendship did not permit me to +refuse anything of the kind, and whom the same rights still less +permitted to abuse my confidence by betraying their promise. These +persons are Madam de Chenonceaux, daughter-in-law to Madam Dupin, the +Comtesse d'Houdetot, and a German of the name of Grimm. Madam de +Chenonceaux was desirous the letter should be printed, and asked my +consent. I told her that depended upon yours. This was asked of you +which you refused, and the matter dropped. + +"However, the Abbe Trublet, with whom I have not the least connection, +has just written to me from a motive of the most polite attention that +having received the papers of the journal of M. Formey, he found in them +this same letter with an advertisement, dated on the 23d of October, +1759, in which the editor states that he had a few weeks before found it +in the shops of the booksellers of Berlin, and, as it is one of those +loose sheets which shortly disappear, he thought proper to give it a +place in his journal. + +"This, sir, is all I know of the matter. It is certain the letter had +not until lately been heard of at Paris. It is also as certain that the +copy, either in manuscript or print, fallen into the hands of M. de +Formey, could never have reached them except by your means(which is not +probable)or of those of one of the three persons I have mentioned. +Finally, it is well known the two ladies are incapable of such a perfidy. +I cannot, in my retirement learn more relative to the affair. You have a +correspondence by means of which you may, if you think it worth the +trouble, go back to the source and verify the fact. + +"In the same letter the Abbe' Trublet informs me that he keeps the paper +in reserve, and will not lend it without my consent, which most assuredly +I will not give. But it is possible this copy may not be the only one in +Paris. I wish, sir, the letter may not be printed there, and I will do +all in my power to prevent this from happening; but if I cannot succeed, +and that, timely perceiving it, I can have the preference, I will not +then hesitate to have it immediately printed. This to me appears just +and natural. + +"With respect to your answer to the same letter, it has not been +communicated to anyone, and you may be assured it shall not be printed +without your consent, which I certainly shall not be indiscreet enough to +ask of you, well knowing that what one man writes to another is not +written to the public. But should you choose to write one you wish to +have published, and address it to me, I promise you faithfully to add to +it my letter and not to make to it a single word of reply. + +"I love you not, sir; you have done me, your disciple and enthusiastic +admirer; injuries which might have caused me the most exquisite pain. +You have ruined Geneva, in return for the asylum it has afforded you; +you have alienated from me my fellow-citizens, in return for eulogiums I +made of you amongst them; it is you who render to me the residence of my +own country insupportable; it is you who will oblige me to die in a +foreign land, deprived of all the consolations usually administered to a +dying person; and cause me, instead of receiving funeral rites, to be +thrown to the dogs, whilst all the honors a man can expect will accompany +you in my country. Finally I hate you because you have been desirous I +should but I hate you as a man more worthy of loving you had you chosen +it. Of all the sentiments with which my heart was penetrated for you, +admiration, which cannot be refused your fine genius, and a partiality to +your writings, are those you have not effaced. If I can honor nothing in +you except your talents, the fault is not mine. I shall never be wanting +in the respect due to them, nor in that which this respect requires." + +In the midst of these little literary cavillings, which still fortified +my resolution, I received the greatest honor letters ever acquired me, +and of which I was the most sensible, in the two visits the Prince of +Conti deigned to make to me, one at the Little Castle and the other at +Mont Louis. He chose the time for both of these when M. de Luxembourg +was not at Montmorency, in order to render it more manifest that he came +there solely on my account. I have never had a doubt of my owing the +first condescensions of this prince to Madam de Luxembourg and Madam de +Boufflers; but I am of opinion I owe to his own sentiments and to myself +those with which he has since that time continually honored me. + + [Remark the perseverance of this blind and stupid confidence in the + midst of all the treatment which should soonest have undeceived me. + It continued until my return to Paris in 1770.] + +My apartments at Mont Louis being small, and the situation of the alcove +charming, I conducted the prince to it, where, to complete the +condescension he was pleased to show me, he chose I should have the honor +of playing with him a game of chess. I knew he beat the Chevalier de +Lorenzy, who played better than I did. However, notwithstanding the +signs and grimace of the chevalier and the spectators, which I feigned +not to see, I won the two games we played: When they were ended, I said +to him in a respectful but very grave manner: "My lord, I honor your +serene highness too much not to beat you always at chess." This great +prince, who had real wit, sense, and knowledge, and so was worthy not to +be treated with mean adulation, felt in fact, at least I think so, that I +was the only person present who treated him like a man, and I have every +reason to believe he was not displeased with me for it. + +Had this even been the case, I should not have reproached myself with +having been unwilling to deceive him in anything, and I certainly cannot +do it with having in my heart made an ill return for his goodness, but +solely with having sometimes done it with an ill grace, whilst he himself +accompanied with infinite gracefulness the manner in which he showed me +the marks of it. A few days afterwards he ordered a hamper of game to be +sent me, which I received as I ought. This in a little time was +succeeded by another, and one of his gamekeepers wrote me, by order of +his highness, that the game it contained had been shot by the prince +himself. I received this second hamper, but I wrote to Madam de +Boufflers that I would not receive a third. This letter was generally +blamed, and deservedly so. Refusing to accept presents of game from a +prince of the blood, who moreover sends it in so polite a manner, is less +the delicacy of a haughty man, who wishes to preserve his independence, +than the rusticity of a clown, who does not know himself. I have never +read this letter in my collection without blushing and reproaching myself +for having written it. But I have not undertaken my Confession with an +intention of concealing my faults, and that of which I have just spoken +is too shocking in my own eyes to suffer me to pass it over in silence. + +If I were not guilty of the offence of becoming his rival I was very near +doing it; for Madam de Boufflers was still his mistress, and I knew +nothing of the matter. She came rather frequently to see me with the +Chevalier de Lorenzy. She was yet young and beautiful, affected to be +whimsical, and my mind was always romantic, which was much of the same +nature. I was near being laid hold of; I believe she perceived it; the +chevalier saw it also, at least he spoke to me upon the subject, and in a +manner not discouraging. But I was this time reasonable, and at the age +of fifty it was time I should be so. Full of the doctrine I had just +preached to graybeards in my letter to D'Alembert, I should have been +ashamed of not profiting by it myself; besides, coming to the knowledge +of that of which I had been ignorant, I must have been mad to have +carried my pretensions so far as to expose myself to such an illustrious +rivalry. Finally, ill cured perhaps of my passion for Madam de Houdetot, +I felt nothing could replace it in my heart, and I bade adieu to love for +the rest of my life. I have this moment just withstood the dangerous +allurements of a young woman who had her views; and if she feigned to +forget my twelve lustres I remember them. After having thus withdrawn +myself from danger, I am no longer afraid of a fall, and I answer for +myself for the rest of my days. + +Madam de Boufflers, perceiving the emotion she caused in me, might also +observe I had triumphed over it. I am neither mad nor vain enough to +believe I was at my age capable of inspiring her with the same feelings; +but, from certain words which she let drop to Theresa, I thought I had +inspired her with a curiosity; if this be the case, and that she has not +forgiven me the disappointment she met with, it must be confessed I was +born to be the victim of my weaknesses, since triumphant love was so +prejudicial to me, and love triumphed over not less so. + +Here finishes the collection of letters which has served me as a guide in +the last two books. My steps will in future be directed by memory only; +but this is of such a nature, relative to the period to which I am now +come, and the strong impression of objects has remained so perfectly upon +my mind, that lost in the immense sea of my misfortunes, I cannot forget +the detail of my first shipwreck, although the consequences present to me +but a confused remembrance. I therefore shall be able to proceed in the +succeeding book with sufficient confidence. If I go further it will be +groping in the dark. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Indolence, negligence and delay in little duties to be fulfilled +Jean Bapiste Rousseau +My greatest faults have been omissions +Satisfaction of weeping together +The malediction of knaves is the glory of an honest man +There is nothing in this world but time and misfortune +What facility everything which favors the malignity of man +Whence comes it that even a child can intimidate a man + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v10 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK XI. + + +Although Eloisa, which for a long time had been in the press, did not +yet, at the end of the year, 1760, appear, the work already began to make +a great noise. Madam de Luxembourg had spoken of it at court, and Madam +de Houdetot at Paris. The latter had obtained from me permission for +Saint Lambert to read the manuscript to the King of Poland, who had been +delighted with it. Duclos, to whom I had also given the perusal of the +work, had spoken of it at the academy. All Paris was impatient to see +the novel; the booksellers of the Rue Saint Jacques, and that of the +Palais Royal, were beset with people who came to inquire when it was to +be published. It was at length brought out, and the success it had, +answered, contrary to custom, to the impatience with which it had been +expected. The dauphiness, who was one of the first who read it, spoke of +it to, M. de Luxembourg as a ravishing performance. The opinions of men +of letters differed from each other, but in those of any other class +approbation was general, especially with the women, who became so +intoxicated with the book and the author, that there was not one in high +life with whom I might not have succeeded had I undertaken to do it. +Of this I have such proofs as I will not commit to paper, and which +without the aid of experience, authorized my opinion. It is singular +that the book should have succeeded better in France than in the rest of +Europe, although the French, both men and women, are severely treated in +it. Contrary to my expectation it was least successful in Switzerland, +and most so in Paris. Do friendship, love and virtue reign in this +capital more than elsewhere? Certainly not; but there reigns in it an +exquisite sensibility which transports the heart to their image, and +makes us cherish in others the pure, tender and virtuous sentiments we no +longer possess. Corruption is everywhere the same; virtue and morality +no longer exist in Europe; but if the least love of them still remains, +it is in Paris that this will be found.--[I wrote this in 1769.] + +In the midst of so many prejudices and feigned passions, the real +sentiments of nature are not to be distinguished from others, unless we +well know to analyze the human heart. A very nice discrimination, not to +be acquired except by the education of the world, is necessary to feel +the finesses of the heart, if I dare use the expression, with which this +work abounds. I do not hesitate to place the fourth part of it upon an +equality with the Princess of Cleves; nor to assert that had these two +works been read nowhere but in the provinces, their merit would never +have been discovered. It must not, therefore, be considered as a matter +of astonishment, that the greatest success of my work was at court. It +abounds with lively but veiled touches of the pencil, which could not but +give pleasure there, because the persons who frequent it are more +accustomed than others to discover them. A distinction must, however, be +made. The work is by no means proper for the species of men of wit who +have nothing but cunning, who possess no other kind of discernment than +that which penetrates evil, and see nothing where good only is to be +found. If, for instance, Eloisa had been published in a certain country, +I am convinced it would not have been read through by a single person, +and the work would have been stifled in its birth. + +I have collected most of the letters written to me on the subject of this +publication, and deposited them, tied up together, in the hands of Madam +de Nadillac. Should this collection ever be given to the world, very +singular things will be seen, and an opposition of opinion, which shows +what it is to have to do with the public. The thing least kept in view, +and which will ever distinguish it from every other work, is the +simplicity of the subject and the continuation of the interest, which, +confined to three persons, is kept up throughout six volumes, without +episode, romantic adventure, or anything malicious either in the persons +or actions. Diderot complimented Richardson on the prodigious variety of +his portraits and the multiplicity of his persons. In fact, Richardson +has the merit of having well characterized them all; but with respect to +their number, he has that in common with the most insipid writers of +novels who attempt to make up for the sterility of their ideas by +multiplying persons and adventures. It is easy to awaken the attention +by incessantly presenting unheard of adventures and new faces, which pass +before the imagination as the figures in a magic lanthorn do before the +eye; but to keep up that attention to the same objects, and without the +aid of the wonderful, is certainly more difficult; and if, everything +else being equal, the simplicity of the subject adds to the beauty of the +work, the novels of Richardson, superior in so many other respects, +cannot in this be compared to mine. I know it is already forgotten, +and the cause of its being so; but it will be taken up again. All my +fear was that, by an extreme simplicity, the narrative would be +fatiguing, and that it was not sufficiently interesting to engage the +attention throughout the whole. I was relieved from this apprehension by +a circumstance which alone was more flattering to my pride than all the +compliments made me upon the work. + +It appeared at the beginning of the carnival; a hawker carried it to the +Princess of Talmont--[It was not the princess, but some other lady, +whose name I do not know.]--on the evening of a ball night at the opera. +After supper the Princess dressed herself for the ball, and until the +hour of going there, took up the new novel. At midnight she ordered the +horses to be put into the carriage, and continued to read. The servant +returned to tell her the horses were put to; she made no answer. Her +people perceiving she forgot herself, came to tell her it was two +o'clock. "There is yet no hurry," replied the princess, still reading +on. Some time afterwards, her watch having stopped, she rang to know the +hour. She was told it was four o'clock. "That being the case," she +said, "it is too late to go to the ball; let the horses be taken off." +She undressed herself and passed the rest of the night in reading. + +Ever since I came to the knowledge of this circumstance, I have had a +constant desire to see the lady, not only to know from herself whether or +not what I have related be exactly true, but because I have always +thought it impossible to be interested in so lively a manner in the +happiness of Julia, without having that sixth and moral sense with which +so few hearts are endowed, and without which no person whatever can +understand the sentiments of mine. + +What rendered the women so favorable to me was, their being persuaded +that I had written my own history, and was myself the hero of the +romance. This opinion was so firmly established, that Madam de Polignac +wrote to Madam de Verdelin, begging she would prevail upon me to show her +the portrait of Julia. Everybody thought it was impossible so strongly +to express sentiments without having felt them, or thus to describe the +transports of love, unless immediately from the feelings of the heart. +This was true, and I certainly wrote the novel during the time my +imagination was inflamed to ecstasy; but they who thought real objects +necessary to this effect were deceived, and far from conceiving to what +a degree I can at will produce it for imaginary beings. Without Madam +d'Houdetot, and the recollection of a few circumstances in my youth, +the amours I have felt and described would have been with fairy nymphs. +I was unwilling either to confirm or destroy an error which was +advantageous to me. The reader may see in the preface a dialogue, which +I had printed separately, in what manner I left the public in suspense. +Rigorous people say, I ought to have explicity declared the truth. For +my part I see no reason for this, nor anything that could oblige me to +it, and am of opinion there would have been more folly than candor in the +declaration without necessity. + +Much about the same time the 'Paix Perpetuelle' made its appearance, +of this I had the year before given the manuscript to a certain M. de +Bastide, the author of a journal called Le Monde, into which he would at +all events cram all my manuscripts. He was known to M. Duclos, and came +in his name to beg I would help him to fill the Monde. He had heard +speak of Eloisa, and would have me put this into his journal; he was also +desirous of making the same use of Emilius; he would have asked me for +the Social Contract for the same purpose, had he suspected it to be +written. At length, fatigued with his importunities, I resolved upon +letting him have the Paix Perpetuelle, which I gave him for twelve louis. +Our agreement was, that he should print it in his journal; but as soon as +he became the proprietor of the manuscript, he thought proper to print it +separately, with a few retrenchments, which the censor required him to +make. What would have happened had I joined to the work my opinion of +it, which fortunately I did not communicate to M. de Bastide, nor was it +comprehended in our agreement? This remains still in manuscript amongst +my papers. If ever it be made public, the world will see how much the +pleasantries and self-sufficient manner of M. de Voltaire on the subject +must have made me, who was so well acquainted with the short-sightedness +of this poor man in political matters, of which he took it into his head +to speak, shake my sides with laughter. + +In the midst of my success with the women and the public, I felt I lost +ground at the Hotel de Luxembourg, not with the marechal, whose goodness +to me seemed daily to increase, but with his lady. Since I had had +nothing more to read to her, the door of her apartment was not so +frequently open to me, and during her stay at Montmorency, although I +regularly presented myself, I seldom saw her except at table. My place +even there was not distinctly marked out as usual. As she no longer +offered me that by her side, and spoke to me but seldom, not having on my +part much to say to her, I was well satisfied with another, where I was +more at my ease, especially in the evening; for I mechanically contracted +the habit of placing myself nearer and nearer to the marechal. + +Apropos of the evening: I recollect having said I did not sup at the +castle, and this was true, at the beginning of my acquaintance there; but +as M. de Luxembourg did not dine, nor even sit down to table, it happened +that I was for several months, and already very familiar in the family, +without ever having eaten with him. This he had the goodness to remark, +upon which I determined to sup there from time to time, when the company +was not numerous; I did so, and found the suppers very agreeable, as the +dinners were taken almost standing; whereas the former were long, +everybody remaining seated with pleasure after a long walk; and very good +and agreeable, because M. de Luxembourg loved good eating, and the honors +of them were done in a charming manner by madam de marechale. Without +this explanation it would be difficult to understand the end of a letter +from M. de Luxembourg, in which he says he recollects our walks with the +greatest pleasure; especially, adds he, when in the evening we entered +the court and did not find there the traces of carriages. The rake being +every morning drawn over the gravel to efface the marks left by the coach +wheels, I judged by the number of ruts of that of the persons who had +arrived in the afternoon. + +This year, 1761, completed the heavy losses this good man had suffered +since I had had the honor of being known to him. As if it had been +ordained that the evils prepared for me by destiny should begin by the +man to whom I was most attached, and who was the most worthy of esteem . +The first year he lost his sister, the Duchess of Villeroy; the second, +his daughter, the Princess of Robeck; the third, he lost in the Duke of +Montmorency his only son; and in the Comte de Luxembourg, his grandson, +the last two supporters of the branch of which he was, and of his name. +He supported all these losses with apparent courage, but his heart +incessantly bled in secret during the rest of his life, and his health +was ever after upon the decline. The unexpected and tragical death of +his son must have afflicted him the more, as it happened immediately +after the king had granted him for his child, and given him the promise +for his grandson, the reversion of the commission he himself then held of +the captain of the Gardes de Corps. He had the mortification to see the +last, a most promising young man, perish by degrees from the blind +confidence of the mother in the physician, who giving the unhappy youth +medicines for food, suffered him to die of inanition. Alas! had my +advice been taken, the grandfather and the grandson would both still have +been alive. What did not I say and write to the marechal, what +remonstrances did I make to Madam de Montmorency, upon the more than +severe regimen, which, upon the faith of physicians, she made her son +observe! Madam de Luxembourg, who thought as I did, would not usurp the +authority of the mother; M. de Luxembourg, a man of mild and easy +character, did not like to contradict her. Madam de Montmorency had in +Borden a confidence to which her son at length became a victim. How +delighted was the poor creature when he could obtain permission to come +to Mont Louis with Madam de Boufflers, to ask Theresa for some victuals +for his famished stomach! How did I secretly deplore the miseries of +greatness in seeing this only heir to a immense fortune, a great name, +and so many dignified titles, devour with the greediness of a beggar a +wretched morsel of bread! At length, notwithstanding all I could say and +do, the physician triumphed, and the child died of hunger. + +The same confidence in quacks, which destroyed the grandson, hastened the +dissolution of the grandfather, and to this he added the pusillanimity of +wishing to dissimulate the infirmities of age. M. de Luxembourg had at +intervals a pain in the great toe; he was seized with it at Montmorency, +which deprived him of sleep, and brought on slight fever. I had courage +enough to pronounce the word gout. Madam de Luxembourg gave me a +reprimand. The surgeon, valet de chambre of the marechal, maintained it +was not the gout, and dressed the suffering part with beaume tranquille. +Unfortunately the pain subsided, and when it returned the same remedy was +had recourse to. The constitution of the marechal was weakened, and his +disorder increased, as did his remedies in the same proportion. Madam de +Luxembourg, who at length perceived the primary disorder to be the gout, +objected to the dangerous manner of treating it. Things were afterwards +concealed from her, and M. de Luxembourg in a few years lost his life in +consequence of his obstinate adherence to what he imagined to be a method +of cure. But let me not anticipate misfortune: how many others have I to +relate before I come to this! + +It is singular with what fatality everything I could say and do seemed of +a nature to displease Madam de Luxembourg, even when I had it most at +heart to preserve her friendship. The repeated afflictions which fell +upon M. de Luxembourg still attached me to him the more, and consequently +to Madam de Luxembourg; for they always seemed to me to be so sincerely +united, that the sentiments in favor of the one necessarily extended to +the other. The marechal grew old. His assiduity at court, the cares +this brought on, continually hunting, fatigue, and especially that of the +service during the quarter he was in waiting, required the vigor of a +young man, and I did not perceive anything that could support his in that +course of life; since, besides after his death, his dignities were to be +dispersed and his name extinct, it was by no means necessary for him to +continue a laborious life of which the principal object had been to +dispose the prince favorably to his children. One day when we three were +together, and he complained of the fatigues of the court, as a man who +had been discouraged by his losses, I took the liberty to speak of +retirement, and to give him the advice Cyneas gave to Pyrrhus. He +sighed, and returned no positive answer. But the moment Madam de +Luxembourg found me alone she reprimanded me severely for what I had +said, at which she seemed to be alarmed. She made a remark of which I so +strongly felt the justness that I determined never again to touch upon +the subject: this was, that the long habit of living at court made that +life necessary, that it was become a matter of amusement for M. de +Luxembourg, and that the retirement I proposed to him would be less a +relaxation from care than an exile, in which inactivity, weariness and +melancholy would soon put an end to his existence. Although she must +have perceived I was convinced, and ought to have relied upon the promise +I made her, and which I faithfully kept, she still seemed to doubt of it; +and I recollect that the conversations I afterwards had with the marechal +were less frequent and almost always interrupted. + +Whilst my stupidity and awkwardness injured me in her opinion, persons +whom she frequently saw and most loved, were far from being disposed to +aid me in gaining what I had lost. The Abbe de Boufflers especially, a +young man as lofty as it was possible for a man to be, never seemed well +disposed towards me; and besides his being the only person of the society +of Madam de Luxembourg who never showed me the least attention, I thought +I perceived I lost something with her every time he came to the castle. +It is true that without his wishing this to be the case, his presence +alone was sufficient to produce the effect; so much did his graceful and +elegant manner render still more dull my stupid propositi. During the +first two years he seldom came to Montmorency, and by the indulgence of +Madam de Luxembourg I had tolerably supported myself, but as soon as his +visits began to be regular I was irretrievably lost. I wished to take +refuge under his wing, and gain his friendship; but the same awkwardness +which made it necessary I should please him prevented me from succeeding +in the attempt I made to do it, and what I did with that intention +entirely lost me with Madam de Luxembourg, without being of the least +service to me with the abbe. With his understanding he might have +succeeded in anything, but the impossibility of applying himself, and his +turn for dissipation, prevented his acquiring a perfect knowledge of any +subject. His talents are however various, and this is sufficient for the +circles in which he wishes to distinguish himself. He writes light +poetry and fashionable letters, strums on the cithern, and pretends to +draw with crayon. He took it into his head to attempt the portrait of +Madam de Luxembourg; the sketch he produced was horrid. She said it did +not in the least resemble her and this was true. The traitorous abbe +consulted me, and I like a fool and a liar, said there was a likeness. +I wished to flatter the abbe, but I did not please the lady who noted +down what I had said, and the abbe, having obtained what he wanted, +laughed at me in his turn. I perceived by the ill success of this my +late beginning the necessity of making another attempt to flatter 'invita +Minerva'. + +My talent was that of telling men useful but severe truths with energy +and courage; to this it was necessary to confine myself. Not only I was +not born to flatter, but I knew not how to commend. The awkwardness of +the manner in which I have sometimes bestowed eulogium has done me more +harm than the severity of my censure. Of this I have to adduce one +terrible instance, the consequences of which have not only fixed my fate +for the rest of my life, but will perhaps decide on my reputation +throughout all posterity. + +During the residence of M. de Luxembourg at Montmorency, M. de Choiseul +sometimes came to supper at the castle. He arrived there one day after I +had left it. My name was mentioned, and M. de Luxembourg related to him +what had happened at Venice between me and M. de Montaigu. M. de +Choiseul said it was a pity I had quitted that track, and that if I chose +to enter it again he would most willingly give me employment. M. de +Luxembourg told me what had passed. Of this I was the more sensible as I +was not accustomed to be spoiled by ministers, and had I been in a better +state of health it is not certain that I should not have been guilty of a +new folly. Ambition never had power over my mind except during the short +intervals in which every other passion left me at liberty; but one of +these intervals would have been sufficient to determine me. This good +intention of M. de Choiseul gained him my attachment and increased the +esteem which, in consequence of some operations in his administration, +I had conceived for his talents; and the family compact in particular had +appeared to me to evince a statesman of the first order. He moreover +gained ground in my estimation by the little respect I entertained for +his predecessors, not even excepting Madam de Pompadour, whom I +considered as a species of prime minister, and when it was reported that +one of these two would expel the other, I thought I offered up prayers +for the honor of France when I wished that M. de Choiseul might triumph. +I had always felt an antipathy to Madam de Pompadour, even before her +preferment; I had seen her with Madam de la Popliniere when her name was +still Madam d'Etioles. I was afterwards dissatisfied with her silence on +the subject of Diderot, and with her proceedings relative to myself, as +well on the subject of the 'Muses Galantes', as on that of the 'Devin du +Village', which had not in any manner produced me advantages proportioned +to its success; and on all occasions I had found her but little disposed +to serve me. This however did not prevent the Chevalier de Lorenzy from +proposing to me to write something in praise of that lady, insinuating +that I might acquire some advantage by it. The proposition excited my +indignation, the more as I perceived it did not come from himself, +knowing that, passive as he was, he thought and acted according to the +impulsion he received. I am so little accustomed to constraint that it +was impossible for me to conceal from him my disdain, nor from anybody +the moderate opinion I had of the favorite; this I am sure she knew, and +thus my own interest was added to my natural inclination in the wishes I +formed for M. de Choiseul. Having a great esteem for his talents, which +was all I knew of him, full of gratitude for his kind intentions, and +moreover unacquainted in my retirement with his taste and manner of +living, I already considered him as the avenger of the public and myself; +and being at that time writing the conclusion of my Social Contract, +I stated in it, in a single passage, what I thought of preceding +ministers, and of him by whom they began to be eclipsed. On this +occasion I acted contrary to my most constant maxim; and besides, I did +not recollect that, in bestowing praise and strongly censuring in the +same article, without naming the persons, the language must be so +appropriated to those to whom it is applicable, that the most ticklish +pride cannot find in it the least thing equivocal. I was in this respect +in such an imprudent security, that I never once thought it was possible +any one should make a false application. It will soon appear whether or +not I was right. + +One of my misfortunes was always to be connected with some female author. +This I thought I might avoid amongst the great. I was deceived; it still +pursued me. Madam de Luxembourg was not, however; at least that I know +of, attacked with the mania of writing; but Madam de Boufflers was. She +wrote a tragedy in prose, which, in the first place, was read, handed +about, and highly spoken of in the society of the Prince Conti, and upon +which, not satisfied with the encomiums she received, she would +absolutely consult me for the purpose of having mine. This she obtained, +but with that moderation which the work deserved. She besides had with +it the information I thought it my duty to give her, that her piece, +entitled 'L'Esclave Genereux', greatly resembled the English tragedy of +'Oroonoko', but little known in France, although translated into the +French language. Madam de Bouffiers thanked me for the remark, but, +however, assured me there was not the least resemblance between her piece +and the other. I never spoke of the plagiarisms except to herself, and I +did it to discharge a duty she had imposed on me; but this has not since +prevented me from frequently recollecting the consequences of the +sincerity of Gil Blas to the preaching archbishop. + +Besides the Abbe de Bouffiers, by whom I was not beloved, and Madam de +Bouffiers, in whose opinion I was guilty of that which neither women nor +authors ever pardon, the other friends of Madam de Luxembourg never +seemed much disposed to become mine, particularly the President Henault, +who, enrolled amongst authors, was not exempt from their weaknesses; also +Madam du Deffand, and Mademoiselle de Lespinasse, both intimate with +Voltaire and the friends of D'Alembert, with whom the latter at length +lived, however upon an honorable footing, for it cannot be understood I +mean otherwise. I first began to interest myself for Madam du Deffand, +whom the loss of her eyes made an object of commiseration in mine; but +her manner of living so contrary to my own, that her hour of going to bed +was almost mine for rising; her unbounded passion for low wit, the +importance she gave to every kind of printed trash, either complimentary +or abusive, the despotism and transports of her oracles, her excessive +admiration or dislike of everything, which did not permit her to speak +upon any subject without convulsions, her inconceivable prejudices, +invincible obstinacy, and the enthusiasm of folly to which this carried +her in her passionate judgments; all disgusted me and diminished the +attention I wished to pay her. I neglected her and she perceived it; +this was enough to set her in a rage, and, although I was sufficiently +aware how much a woman of her character was to be feared, I preferred +exposing myself to the scourge of her hatred rather than to that of her +friendship. + +My having so few friends in the society of Madam de Luxembourg would not +have been in the least dangerous had I had no enemies in the family. +Of these I had but one, who, in my then situation, was as powerful as a +hundred. It certainly was not M. de Villeroy, her brother; for he not +only came to see me, but had several times invited me to Villeroy; +and as I had answered to the invitation with all possible politeness +and respect, he had taken my vague manner of doing it as a consent, +and arranged with Madam de Luxembourg a journey of a fortnight, in which +it was proposed to me to make one of the party. As the cares my health +then required did not permit me to go from home without risk, I prayed +Madam de Luxembourg to have the goodness to make my apologies. Her +answer proves this was done with all possible ease, and M. de Villeroy +still continued to show me his usual marks of goodness. His nephew and +heir, the young Marquis of Villeroy, had not for me the same benevolence, +nor had I for him the respect I had for his uncle. His harebrained +manner rendered him insupportable to me, and my coldness drew upon me his +aversion. He insultingly attacked me one evening at table, and I had the +worst of it because I am a fool, without presence of mind; and because +anger, instead of rendering my wit more poignant, deprives me of the +little I have. I had a dog which had been given me when he was quite +young, soon after my arrival at the Hermitage, and which I had called +Duke. This dog, not handsome, but rare of his kind, of which I had made +my companion and friend, a title which he certainly merited much more +than most of the persons by whom it was taken, became in great request at +the castle of Montmorency for his good nature and fondness, and the +attachment we had for each other; but from a foolish pusillanimity I had +changed his name to Turk, as if there were not many dogs called Marquis, +without giving the least offence to any marquis whatsoever. The Marquis +of Villeroy, who knew of the change of name, attacked me in such a manner +that I was obliged openly at table to relate what I had done. Whatever +there might be offensive in the name of duke, it was not in my having +given but in my having taken it away. The worst of it all was, there +were many dukes present, amongst others M. de Luxembourg and his son; and +the Marquis de Villeroy, who was one day to have, and now has the title, +enjoyed in the most cruel manner the embarrassment into which he had +thrown me. I was told the next day his aunt had severely reprimanded +him, and it may be judged whether or not, supposing her to have been +serious, this put me upon better terms with him. + +To enable me to support his enmity I had no person, neither at the Hotel +de Luxembourg nor at the Temple, except the Chevalier de Lorenzy, who +professed himself my friend; but he was more that of D'Alembert, under +whose protection he passed with women for a great geometrician. He was +more, over the cicisbe, or rather the complaisant chevalier of the +Countess of Boufflers, a great friend also to D'Alembert, and the +Chevalier de Lorenzy was the most passive instrument in her hands. +Thus, far from having in that circle any counter-balance to my +inaptitude, to keep me in the good graces of Madam de Luxembourg, +everybody who approached her seemed to concur in injuring me in her good +opinion. Yet, besides Emilius, with which she charged herself, she gave +me at the same time another mark of her benevolence, which made me +imagine that, although wearied with my conversation, she would still +preserve for me the friendship she had so many times promised me for +life. + +As soon as I thought I could depend upon this, I began to ease my heart, +by confessing to her all my faults, having made it an inviolable maxim to +show myself to my friends such as I really was, neither better nor worse. +I had declared to her my connection with Theresa, and everything that had +resulted from it, without concealing the manner in which I had disposed +of my children. She had received my confessions favorably, and even too +much so, since she spared me the censures I so much merited; and what +made the greatest impression upon me was her goodness to Theresa, making +her presents, sending for her, and begging her to come and see her, +receiving her with caresses, and often embracing her in public. This +poor girl was in transports of joy and gratitude, of which I certainly +partook; the friendship Madam de Luxembourg showed me in her +condescensions to Theresa affected me much more than if they had been +made immediately to myself. + +Things remained in this state for a considerable time; but at length +Madam de Luxembourg carried her goodness so far as to have a desire to +take one of my children from the hospital. She knew I had put a cipher +into the swaddling clothes of the eldest; she asked me for the +counterpart of the cipher,, and I gave it to her. In this research she +employed La Roche, her valet de chambre and confidential servant, who +made vain inquiries, although after only about twelve or fourteen years, +had the registers of the foundling hospital been in order, or the search +properly made, the original cipher ought to have been found. However +this may be, I was less sorry for his want of success than I should have +been had I from time to time continued to see the child from its birth +until that moment. If by the aid of the indications given, another child +had been presented as my own, the doubt of its being so in fact, and the +fear of having one thus substituted for it, would have contracted my +affections, and I should not have tasted of the charm of the real +sentiment of nature. This during infancy stands in need of being +supported by habit. The long absence of a child whom the father has seen +but for an instant, weakens, and at length annihilates paternal +sentiment, and parents will never love a child sent to nurse, like that +which is brought up under their eyes. This reflection may extenuate my +faults in their effects, but it must aggravate them in their source. + +It may not perhaps be useless to remark that by the means of Theresa, the +same La Roche became acquainted with Madam le Vasseur, whom Grimm still +kept at Deuil, near La Chevrette, and not far from Montmorency. + +After my departure it was by means of La Roche that I continued to send +this woman the money I had constantly sent her at stated times, and I am +of opinion he often carried her presents from Madam de Luxembourg; +therefore she certainly was not to be pitied, although she constantly +complained. With respect to Grimm, as I am not fond of speaking of +persons whom I ought to hate, I never mentioned his name to Madam de +Luxembourg, except when I could not avoid it; but she frequently made him +the subject of conversation, without telling me what she thought of the +man, or letting me discover whether or not he was of her acquaintance. +Reserve with people I love and who are open with me being contrary to my +nature, especially in things relating to themselves, I have since that +time frequently thought of that of Madam de Luxembourg; but never, except +when other events rendered the recollection natural. + +Having waited a long time without hearing speak of Emilius, after I had +given it to Madam de Luxembourg, I at last heard the agreement was made +at Paris, with the bookseller Duchesne, and by him with Neaulme, of +Amsterdam. Madam de Luxembourg sent me the original and the duplicate of +my agreement with Duchesne, that I might sign them. I discovered the +writing to be by the same hand as that of the letters of M. de +Malesherbes, which he himself did not write. The certainty that my +agreement was made by the consent, and under the eye of that magistrate, +made me sign without hesitation. Duchesne gave me for the manuscript six +thousand livres(two hundred and fifty pounds), half in specie, and one or +two hundred copies. After having signed the two parts, I sent them both +to Madam de Luxembourg, according to her desire; she gave one to +Duchesne, and instead of returning the other kept it herself, so that I +never saw it afterwards. + +My acquaintance with M. and Madam de Luxembourg, though it diverted me a +little from my plan of retirement, did not make me entirely renounce it. +Even at the time I was most in favor with Madam de Luxembourg, I always +felt that nothing but my sincere attachment to the marechal and herself +could render to me supportable the people with whom they were connected, +and all the difficulty I had was in conciliating this attachment with a +manner of life more agreeable to my inclination, and less contrary to my +health, which constraint and late suppers continually deranged, +notwithstanding all the care taken to prevent it; for in this, as in +everything else, attention was carried as far as possible; thus, for +instance, every evening after supper the marechal, who went early to bed, +never failed, notwithstanding everything that could be said to the +contrary, to make me withdraw at the same time. It was not until some +little time before my catastrophe that, for what reason I know not, he +ceased to pay me that attention. Before I perceived the coolness of +Madam de Luxembourg, I was desirous, that I might not expose myself to +it, to execute my old project; but not having the means to that effect, +I was obliged to wait for the conclusion of the agreement for 'Emilius', +and in the time I finished the 'Social Contract', and sent it to Rey, +fixing the price of the manuscript at a thousand livres (forty-one +pounds), which he paid me. + +I ought not perhaps to omit a trifling circumstance relative to this +manuscript. I gave it, well sealed up, to Du Voisin, a minister in the +pays de Vaud and chaplain at the Hotel de Hollande, who sometimes came to +see me, and took upon himself to send the packet to Rey, with whom he was +connected. The manuscript, written in a small letter, was but very +trifling, and did not fill his pocket. Yet, in passing the barriere, the +packet fell, I know not by what means, into the hands of the Commis, who +opened and examined it, and afterwards returned it to him, when he had +reclaimed it in the name of the ambassador. This gave him an opportunity +of reading it himself, which he ingeniously wrote me he had done, +speaking highly of the work, without suffering a word of criticism or +censure to escape him; undoubtedly reserving to himself to become the +avenger of Christianity as soon as the work should appear. He resealed +the packet and sent it to Rey. Such is the substance of his narrative in +the letter in which he gave an account of the affair, and is all I ever +knew of the matter. + +Besides these two books and my dictionary of music, at which I still did +something as opportunity offered, I had other works of less importance +ready to make their appearance, and which I proposed to publish either +separately or in my general collection, should I ever undertake it. The +principal of these works, most of which are still in manuscript in the +hands of De Peyrou, was an essay on the origin of Languages, which I had +read to M. de Malesherbes and the Chevalier de Lorenzy, who spoke +favorably of it. I expected all the productions together would produce +me a net capital of from eight to ten thousand livres (three to four +hundred pounds), which I intended to sink in annuities for my life and +that of Theresa; after which, our design, as I have already mentioned, +was to go and live together in the midst of some province, without +further troubling the public about me, or myself with any other project +than that of peacefully ending my days and still continuing to do in my +neighborhood all the good in my power, and to write at leisure the +memoirs which I intended. + +Such was my intention, and the execution of it was facilitated by an act +of generosity in Rey, upon which I cannot be silent. This bookseller, of +whom so many unfavorable things were told me in Paris, is, +notwithstanding, the only one with whom I have always had reason to be +satisfied. It is true, we frequently disagreed as to the execution of my +works. He was heedless and I was choleric; but in matters of interest +which related to them, although I never made with him an agreement in +form, I always found in him great exactness and probity. He is also the +only person of his profession who frankly confessed to me he gained +largely by my means; and he frequently, when he offered me a part of his +fortune, told me I was the author of it all. Not finding the means of +exercising his gratitude immediately upon myself, he wished at least to +give me proofs of it in the person of my governante, upon whom he settled +an annuity of three hundred livres (twelve pounds), expressing in the +deed that it was an acknowledgment for the advantages I had procured him. +This he did between himself and me, without ostentation, pretension, or +noise, and had not I spoken of it to anybody, not a single person would +ever have known anything of the matter. I was so pleased with this +action that I became attached to Rey, and conceived for him a real +friendship. Sometime afterwards he desired I would become godfather to +one of his children; I consented, and a part of my regret in the +situation to which I am reduced, is my being deprived of the means of +rendering in future my attachment of my goddaughter useful to her and her +parents. Why am I, who am so sensible of the modest generosity of this +bookseller, so little so of the noisy eagerness of many persons of the +highest rank, who pompously fill the world with accounts of the services +they say they wished to render me, but the good effects of which I never +felt? Is it their fault or mine? Are they nothing more than vain; is my +insensibility purely ingratitude? Intelligent reader weigh and +determine; for my part I say no more. + +This pension was a great resource to Theresa and considerable alleviation +to me, although I was far from receiving from it a direct advantage, any +more than from the presents that were made her. + +She herself has always disposed of everything. When I kept her money I +gave her a faithful account of it, without ever applying any part of the +deposit to our common expenses, not even when she was richer than +myself." What is mine is ours," said I to her; "and what is thine is +thine. "I never departed from this maxim. They who have had the +baseness to accuse me of receiving by her hands that which I refused to +take with mine, undoubtedly judged of my heart by their own, and knew but +little of me. I would willingly eat with her the bread she should have +earned, but not that she should have had given her. For a proof of this +I appeal to herself, both now and hereafter, when, according to the +course of nature, she shall have survived me. Unfortunately, she +understands but little of economy in any respect, and is, besides, +careless and extravagant, not from vanity nor gluttony, but solely from +negligence. No creature is perfect here below, and since the excellent +qualities must be accompanied with some detects; I prefer these to vices; +although her defects are more prejudicial to us both. The efforts I have +made, as formerly I did for mamma, to accumulate something in advance +which might some day be to her a never-failing resource, are not to be +conceived; but my cares were always ineffectual. + +Neither of these women ever called themselves to an account, and, +notwithstanding all my efforts, everything I acquired was dissipated as +fast as it came. Notwithstanding the great simplicity of Theresa's +dress, the pension from Rey has never been sufficient to buy her clothes, +and I have every year been under the necessity of adding something to it +for that purpose. We are neither of us born to be rich, and this I +certainly do not reckon amongst our misfortunes. + +The 'Social Contract' was soon printed. This was not the case with +'Emilius', for the publication of which I waited to go into the +retirement I meditated. Duchesne, from time to time, sent me specimens +of impression to choose from; when I had made my choice, instead of +beginning he sent me others. When, at length, we were fully determined +on the size and letter, and several sheets were already printed off, on +some trifling alteration I made in a proof, he began the whole again; and +at the end of six months we were in less forwardness than on the first +day. During all these experiments I clearly perceived the work was +printing in France as well as in Holland, and that two editions of it +were preparing at the same time. What could I do? The manuscript was no +longer mine. Far from having anything to do with the edition in France, +I was always against it; but since, at length, this was preparing in +spite of all opposition, and was to serve as a model to the other, it was +necessary I should cast my eyes over it and examine the proofs, that my +work might not be mutilated. It was, besides, printed so much by the +consent of the magistrate, that it was he who, in some measure, directed +the undertaking; he likewise wrote to me frequently, and once came to see +me and converse on the subject upon an occasion of which I am going to +speak. + +Whilst Duchesne crept like a snail, Neaulme, whom he withheld, scarcely +moved at all. The sheets were not regularly sent him as they were +printed. He thought there was some trick in the manoeuvre of Duchesne, +that is, of Guy who acted for him; and perceiving the terms of the +agreement to be departed from, he wrote me letter after letter full of +complaints, and it was less possible for me to remove the subject of them +than that of those I myself had to make. His friend Guerin, who at that +time came frequently to see my house, never ceased speaking to me about +the work, but always with the greatest reserve. He knew and he did not +know that it was printing in France, and that the magistrate had a hand +in it. In expressing his concern for my embarrassment, he seemed to +accuse me of imprudence without ever saying in what this consisted; he +incessantly equivocated, and seemed to speak for no other purpose than to +hear what I had to say. I thought myself so secure that I laughed at his +mystery and circumspection as at a habit he had contracted with ministers +and magistrates whose offices he much frequented. Certain of having +conformed to every rule with the work, and strongly persuaded that I had +not only the consent and protection of the magistrate, but that the book +merited and had obtained the favor of the minister, I congratulated +myself upon my courage in doing good, and laughed at my pusillanimous +friends who seemed uneasy on my account. Duclos was one of these, and I +confess my confidence in his understanding and uprightness might have +alarmed me, had I had less in the utility of the work and in the probity +of those by whom it was patronized. He came from the house of M. Baille +to see me whilst 'Emilius' was in the press; he spoke to me concerning +it; I read to him the 'Profession of Faith of the Savoyard Vicar', +to which he listened attentively and, as it seemed to me with pleasure. +When I had finished he said: "What! citizen, this is a part of a work +now printing in Paris?"--"Yes," answered I, and it ought to be printed at +the Louvre by order of the king."--I confess it," replied he; "but pray +do not mention to anybody your having read to me this fragment." + +This striking manner of expressing himself surprised without alarming me. +I knew Duclos was intimate with M. de Malesherbes, and I could not +conceive how it was possible he should think so differently from him upon +the same subject. + +I had lived at Montmorency for the last four years without ever having +had there one day of good health. Although the air is excellent, the +water is bad, and this may possibly be one of the causes which +contributed to increase my habitual complaints. Towards the end of the +autumn of 1767, I fell quite ill, and passed the whole winter in +suffering almost without intermission. The physical ill, augmented by a +thousand inquietudes, rendered these terrible. For some time past my +mind had been disturbed by melancholy forebodings without my knowing to +what these directly tended. I received anonymous letters of an +extraordinary nature, and others, that were signed, much of the same +import. I received one from a counsellor of the parliament of Paris, +who, dissatisfied with the present constitution of things, and foreseeing +nothing but disagreeable events, consulted me upon the choice of an +asylum at Geneva or in Switzerland, to retire to with his family. An +other was brought me from M. de -----, 'president a mortier' of the +parliament of -----, who proposed to me to draw up for this Parliament, +which was then at variance with the court, memoirs and remonstrances, and +offering to furnish me with all the documents and materials necessary for +that purpose. + +When I suffer I am subject to ill humor. This was the case when I +received these letters, and my answers to them, in which I flatly refused +everything that was asked of me, bore strong marks of the effect they had +had upon my mind. I do not however reproach myself with this refusal, as +the letters might be so many snares laid by my enemies, + + [I knew, for instance, the President de----- to be connected with + the Encyclopedists and the Holbachiens] + +and what was required of me was contrary to the principles from which I +was less willing than ever to swerve. But having it within my power to +refuse with politeness I did it with rudeness, and in this consists my +error. + +The two letters of which I have just spoken will be found amongst my +papers. The letter from the chancellor did not absolutely surprise me, +because I agreed with him in opinion, and with many others, that the +declining constitution of France threatened an approaching destruction. +The disasters of an unsuccessful war, all of which proceeded from a fault +in the government; the incredible confusion in the finances; the +perpetual drawings upon the treasury by the administration, which was +then divided between two or three ministers, amongst whom reigned nothing +but discord, and who, to counteract the operations of each other, let the +kingdom go to ruin; the discontent of the people, and of every other rank +of subjects; the obstinacy of a woman who, constantly sacrificing her +judgment, if she indeed possessed any, to her inclinations, kept from +public employment persons capable of discharging the duties of them, to +place in them such as pleased her best; everything occurred in justifying +the foresight of the counsellor, that of the public, and my own. This, +made me several times consider whether or not I myself should seek an +asylum out of the kingdom before it was torn by the dissensions by which +it seemed to be threatened; but relieved from my fears by my +insignificance, and the peacefulness of my disposition, I thought that in +the state of solitude in which I was determined to live, no public +commotion could reach me. I was sorry only that, in this state of +things, M. de Luxembourg should accept commissions which tended to injure +him in the opinion of the persons of the place of which he was governor. +I could have wished he had prepared himself a retreat there, in case the +great machine had fallen in pieces, which seemed much to be apprehended; +and still appears to me beyond a doubt, that if the reins of government +had not fallen into a single hand, the French monarchy would now be at +the last gasp. + +Whilst my situation became worse the printing of 'Emilius' went on more +slowly, and was at length suspended without my being able to learn the +reason why; Guy did not deign to answer my letter of inquiry, and I could +obtain no information from any person of what was going forward. M. de +Malesherbes being then in the country. A misfortune never makes me +uneasy provided I know in what it consists; but it is my nature to be +afraid of darkness, I tremble at the appearance of it; mystery always +gives me inquietude, it is too opposite to my natural disposition, in +which there is an openness bordering on imprudence. The sight of the +most hideous monster would, I am of opinion, alarm me but little; but if +by night I were to see a figure in a white sheet I should be afraid of +it. My imagination, wrought upon by this long silence, was now employed +in creating phantoms. I tormented myself the more in endeavoring to +discover the impediment to the printing of my last and best production, +as I had the publication of it much at heart; and as I always carried +everything to an extreme, I imagined that I perceived in the suspension +the suppression of the work. Yet, being unable to discover either the +cause or manner of it, I remained in the most cruel state of suspense. +I wrote letter after letter to Guy, to M. de Malesherbes and to Madam de +Luxembourg, and not receiving answers, at least when I expected them, my +head became so affected that I was not far from a delirium. +I unfortunately heard that Father Griffet, a Jesuit, had spoken of +'Emilius' and repeated from it some passages. My imagination instantly +unveiled to me the mystery of iniquity; I saw the whole progress of it as +clearly as if it had been revealed to me. I figured to myself that the +Jesuits, furious on account of the contemptuous manner in which I had +spoken of colleges, were in possession of my work; that it was they who +had delayed the publication; that, informed by their friend Guerin of my +situation, and foreseeing my approaching dissolution, of which I myself +had no manner of doubt, they wished to delay the appearance of the work +until after that event, with an intention to curtail and mutilate it, and +in favor of their own views, to attribute to me sentiments not my own. +The number of facts and circumstances which occurred to my mind, in +confirmation of this silly proposition, and gave it an appearance of +truth supported by evidence and demonstration, is astonishing. I knew +Guerin to be entirely in the interest of the Jesuits. I attributed to +them all the friendly advances he had made me; I was persuaded he had, +by their entreaties, pressed me to engage with Neaulme, who had given +them the first sheets of my work; that they had afterwards found means to +stop the printing of it by Duchesne, and perhaps to get possession of the +manuscript to make such alterations in it as they should think proper, +that after my death they might publish it disguised in their own manner. +I had always perceived, notwithstanding the wheedling of Father Berthier, +that the Jesuits did not like me, not only as an Encyclopedist, but +because all my principles were more in opposition to their maxims and +influence than the incredulity of my colleagues, since atheistical and +devout fanaticism, approaching each other by their common enmity to +toleration, may become united; a proof of which is seen in China, and in +the cabal against myself; whereas religion, both reasonable and moral, +taking away all power over the conscience, deprives those who assume that +power of every resource. I knew the chancellor was a great friend to the +Jesuits, and I had my fears less the son, intimidated by the father, +should find himself under the necessity of abandoning the work he had +protected. I besides imagined that I perceived this to be the case in +the chicanery employed against me relative to the first two volumes, in +which alterations were required for reasons of which I could not feel the +force; whilst the other two volumes were known to contain things of such +a nature as, had the censor objected to them in the manner he did to the +passages he thought exceptionable in the others, would have required +their being entirely written over again. I also understood, and M. de +Malesherbes himself told me of it, that the Abbe de Grave, whom he had +charged with the inspection of this edition, was another partisan of the +Jesuits. I saw nothing but Jesuits, without considering that, upon the +point of being suppressed, and wholly taken up in making their defence, +they had something which interested them much more than the cavillings +relative to a work in which they were not in question. I am wrong, +however, in saying this did not occur to me; for I really thought of it, +and M. de Malesherbes took care to make the observation to me the moment +he heard of my extravagant suspicions. But by another of those +absurdities of a man, who, from the bosom of obscurity, will absolutely +judge of the secret of great affairs, with which he is totally +unacquainted. I never could bring myself to believe the Jesuits were in +danger, and I considered the rumor of their suppression as an artful +manoeuvre of their own to deceive their adversaries. Their past +successes, which had been uninterrupted, gave me so terrible an idea of +the power, that I already was grieved at the overthrow of the parliament. +I knew M. de Choiseul had prosecuted his studies under the Jesuits, that +Madam de Pompadour was not upon bad terms with them, and that their +league with favorites and ministers had constantly appeared advantageous +to their order against their common enemies. The court seemed to remain +neuter, and persuaded as I was that should the society receive a severe +check it would not come from the parliament, I saw in the inaction of +government the ground of their confidence and the omen of their triumph. + +In fine, perceiving in the rumors of the day nothing more than art and +dissimulation on their part, and thinking they, in their state of +security, had time to watch over all their interests, I had had not the +least doubt of their shortly crushing Jansenism, the parliament and the +Encyclopedists, with every other association which should not submit to +their yoke; and that if they ever suffered my work to appear, this would +not happen until it should be so transformed as to favor their +pretensions, and thus make use of my name the better to deceive my +readers. + +I felt my health and strength decline; and such was the horror with which +my mind was filled, at the idea of dishonor to my memory in the work most +worthy of myself, that I am surprised so many extravagant ideas did not +occasion a speedy end to my existence. I never was so much afraid of +death as at this time, and had I died with the apprehensions I then had +upon my mind, I should have died in despair. At present, although I +perceived no obstacle to the execution of the blackest and most dreadful +conspiracy ever formed against the memory of a man, I shall die much more +in peace, certain of leaving in my writings a testimony in my favor, and +one which, sooner or later, will triumph over the calumnies of mankind. + +M. de Malesherbes, who discovered the agitation of my mind, and to whom I +acknowledged it, used such endeavors to restore me to tranquility as +proved his excessive goodness of heart. Madam de Luxembourg aided him in +his good work, and several times went to Duchesne to know in what state +the edition was. At length the impression was again begun, and the +progress of it became more rapid than ever, without my knowing for what +reason it had been suspended. M. de Malesherbes took the trouble to come +to Montmorency to calm my mind; in this he succeeded, and the full +confidence I had in his uprightness having overcome the derangement of my +poor head, gave efficacy to the endeavors he made to restore it. After +what he had seen of my anguish and delirium, it was natural he should +think I was to be pitied; and he really commiserated my situation. The +expressions, incessantly repeated, of the philosophical cabal by which he +was surrounded, occurred to his memory. When I went to live at the +Hermitage, they, as I have already remarked, said I should not remain +there long. When they saw I persevered, they charged me with obstinacy +and pride, proceeding from a want of courage to retract, and insisted +that my life was there a burden to me; in short, that I was very +wretched. M. de Malesherbes believed this really to be the case, and +wrote to me upon the subject. This error in a man for whom I had so much +esteem gave me some pain, and I wrote to him four letters successively, +in which I stated the real motives of my conduct, and made him fully +acquainted with my taste, inclination and character, and with the most +interior sentiments of my heart. These letters, written hastily, almost +without taking pen from paper, and which I neither copied, corrected, +nor even read, are perhaps the only things I ever wrote with facility, +which, in the midst of my sufferings, was, I think, astonishing. +I sighed, as I felt myself declining, at the thought of leaving in the +midst of honest men an opinion of me so far from truth; and by the sketch +hastily given in my four letters, I endeavored, in some measure, to +substitute them to the memoirs I had proposed to write. They are +expressive of my grief to M. de Malesherbes, who showed them in Paris, +and are, besides, a kind of summary of what I here give in detail, and, +on this account, merit preservation. The copy I begged of them some +years afterwards will be found amongst my papers. + +The only thing which continued to give me pain, in the idea of my +approaching dissolution, was my not having a man of letters for a friend, +to whom I could confide my papers, that after my death he might take a +proper choice of such as were worthy of publication. + +After my journey to Geneva, I conceived a friendship for Moulton; this +young man pleased me, and I could have wished him to receive my last +breath. I expressed to him this desire, and am of opinion he would +readily have complied with it, had not his affairs prevented him from so +doing. Deprived of this consolation, I still wished to give him a mark +of my confidence by sending him the 'Profession of Faith of the Savoyard +Vicar' before it was published. He was pleased with the work, but did +not in his answer seem so fully to expect from it the effect of which I +had but little doubt. He wished to receive from me some fragment which I +had not given to anybody else. I sent him the funeral oration of the +late Duke of Orleans; this I had written for the Abbe Darty, who had not +pronounced it, because, contrary to his expectation, another person was +appointed to perform that ceremony. + +The printing of Emilius, after having been again taken in hand, was +continued and completed without much difficulty; and I remarked this +singularity, that after the curtailings so much insisted upon in the +first two volumes, the last two were passed over without an objection, +and their contents did not delay the publication for a moment. I had, +however, some uneasiness which I must not pass over in silence. After +having been afraid of the Jesuits, I begun to fear the Jansenists and +philosophers. An enemy to party, faction and cabal, I never heard the +least good of parties concerned in them. The gossips had quitted their +old abode and taken up their residence by the side of me, so that in +their chamber, everything said in mine, and upon the terrace, was +distinctly heard; and from their garden it would have been easy to scale +the low wall by which it was separated from my alcove. This was become +my study; my table was covered with proofsheets of Emilius and the Social +Contract and stitching these sheets as they were sent to me, I had all my +volumes a long time before they were published. My negligence and the +confidence I had in M. Mathas, in whose garden I was shut up, frequently +made me forget to lock the door at night, and in the morning I several +times found it wide open; this, however, would not have given me the +least inquietude had I not thought my papers seemed to have been +deranged. After having several times made the same remark, I became more +careful, and locked the door. The lock was a bad one, and the key turned +in it no more than half round. As I became more attentive, I found my +papers in a much greater confusion than they were when I left everything +open. At length I missed one of my volumes without knowing what was +become of it until the morning of the third day, when I again found it +upon the table. I never suspected either M. Mathas or his nephew M. du +Moulin, knowing myself to be beloved by both, and my confidence in them +was unbounded. That I had in the gossips began to diminish. Although +they were Jansenists, I knew them to have some connection with +D' Alembert, and moreover they all three lodged in the same house. This +gave me some uneasiness, and put me more upon my guard. I removed my +papers from the alcove to my chamber, and dropped my acquaintance with +these people, having learned they had shown in several houses the first +volume of 'Emilius', which I had been imprudent enough to lend them. +Although they continued until my departure to be my neighbors I never, +after my first suspicions, had the least communication with them. The +'Social Contract' appeared a month or two before 'Emilius'. Rey, whom I +had desired never secretly to introduce into France any of my books, +applied to the magistrate for leave to send this book by Rouen, to which +place he sent his package by sea. He received no answer, and his bales, +after remaining at Rouen several months, were returned to him, but not +until an attempt had been made to confiscate them; this, probably, would +have been done had not he made a great clamor. Several persons, whose +curiosity the work had excited, sent to Amsterdam for copies, which were +circulated without being much noticed. Maulion, who had heard of this, +and had, I believe, seen the work, spoke to me on the subject with an air +of mystery which surprised me, and would likewise have made me uneasy if, +certain of having conformed to every rule, I had not by virtue of my +grand maxim, kept my mind calm. I moreover had no doubt but M. de +Choiseul, already well disposed towards me, and sensible of the eulogium +of his administration, which my esteem for him had induced me to make in +the work, would support me against the malevolence of Madam de Pompadour. + +I certainly had then as much reason as ever to hope for the goodness of +M. de Luxembourg, and even for his assistance in case of need; for he +never at any time had given me more frequent and more pointed marks of +his friendship. At the journey of Easter, my melancholy state no longer +permitting me to go to the castle, he never suffered a day to pass +without coming to see me, and at length, perceiving my sufferings to be +incessant, he prevailed upon me to determine to see Friar Come. He +immediately sent for him, came with him, and had the courage, uncommon to +a man of his rank, to remain with me during the operation which was cruel +and tedious. Upon the first examination, Come thought he found a great +stone, and told me so; at the second, he could not find it again. After +having made a third attempt with so much care and circumspection that I +thought the time long, he declared there was no stone, but that the +prostate gland was schirrous and considerably thickened. He besides +added, that I had a great deal to suffer, and should live a long time. +Should the second prediction be as fully accomplished as the first, my +sufferings are far from being at an end. + +It was thus I learned after having been so many years treated for +disorders which I never had, that my incurable disease, without being +mortal, would last as long as myself. My imagination, repressed by this +information, no longer presented to me in prospective a cruel death in +the agonies of the stone. + +Delivered from imaginary evils, more cruel to me than those which were +real, I more patiently suffered the latter. It is certain I have since +suffered less from my disorder than I had done before, and every time I +recollect that I owe this alleviation to M. de Luxembourg, his memory +becomes more dear to me. + +Restored, as I may say, to life, and more than ever occupied with the +plan according to which I was determined to pass the rest of my days, all +the obstacle to the immediate execution of my design was the publication +of 'Emilius'. I thought of Touraine where I had already been and which +pleased me much, as well on account of the mildness of the climate, as on +that of the character of the inhabitants. + + 'La terra molle lieta a dilettosa + Simile a se l'habitator produce.' + +I had already spoken of my project to M. de Luxembourg, who endeavored to +dissuade me from it; I mentioned it to him a second time as a thing +resolved upon. He then offered me the castle of Merlon, fifteen leagues +from Paris, as an asylum which might be agreeable to me, and where he and +Madam de Luxembourg would have a real pleasure in seeing me settled. The +proposition made a pleasing impression on my mind. But the first thing +necessary was to see the place, and we agreed upon a day when the +marechal was to send his valet de chambre with a carriage to take me to +it. On the day appointed, I was much indisposed; the journey was +postponed, and different circumstances prevented me from ever making it. +I have since learned the estate of Merlou did not belong to the marechal +but to his lady, on which account I was the less sorry I had not gone to +live there. + +'Emilius' was at length given to the public, without my having heard +further of retrenchments or difficulties. Previous to the publication, +the marechal asked me for all the letters M. de Malesherbes had written +to me on the subject of the work. My great confidence in both, and the +perfect security in which I felt myself, prevented me from reflecting +upon this extraordinary and even alarming request. I returned all the +letters excepting one or two which, from inattention, were left between +the leaves of a book. A little time before this, M. de Malesherbes told +me he should withdraw the letters I had written to Duchesne during my +alarm relative to the Jesuits, and, it must be confessed, these letters +did no great honor to my reason. But in my answer I assured him I would +not in anything pass for being better than I was, and that he might leave +the letters where they were. I know not what he resolved upon. + +The publication of this work was not succeeded by the applause which had +followed that of all my other writings. No work was ever more highly +spoken of in private, nor had any literary production ever had less +public approbation. What was said and written to me upon the subject by +persons most capable of judging, confirmed me in my opinion that it was +the best, as well as the most important of all the works I had produced. +But everything favorable was said with an air of the most extraordinary +mystery, as if there had been a necessity of keeping it a secret. Madam +de Boufflers, who wrote to me that the author of the work merited a +statue, and the homage of mankind, at the end of her letter desired it +might be returned to her. D'Alembert, who in his note said the work gave +me a decided superiority, and ought to place me at the head of men of +letters, did not sign what he wrote, although he had signed every note I +had before received from him. Duclos, a sure friend, a man of veracity, +but circumspect, although he had a good opinion of the work, avoided +mentioning it in his letters to me. La Condomine fell upon the +Confession of Faith, and wandered from the subject. Clairaut confined +himself to the same part; but he was not afraid of expressing to me the +emotion which the reading of it had caused in him, and in the most direct +terms wrote to me that it had warmed his old imagination: of all those to +whom I had sent my book, he was the only person who spoke freely what he +thought of it. + +Mathas, to whom I also had given a copy before the publication, lent it +to M. de Blaire, counsellor in the parliament of Strasbourg. M. de +Blaire had a country-house at St. Gratien, and Mathas, his old +acquaintance, sometimes went to see him there. He made him read Emilius +before it was published. When he returned it to him, M. de Blaire +expressed himself in the following terms, which were repeated to me the +same day: "M. Mathas, this is a very fine work, but it will in a short +time be spoken of more than, for the author might be wished." I laughed +at the prediction, and saw in it nothing more than the importance of a +man of the robe, who treats everything with an air of mystery. All the +alarming observations repeated to me made no impression upon my mind, +and, far from foreseeing the catastrophe so near at hand, certain of the +utility and excellence of my work, and that I had in every respect +conformed to established rules; convinced, as I thought I was that I +should be supported by all the credit of M. de Luxembourg and the favor +of the ministry, I was satisfied with myself for the resolution I had +taken to retire in the midst of my triumphs, and at my return to crush +those by whom I was envied. + +One thing in the publication of the work alarmed me, less on account of +my safety than for the unburdening of my mind. At the Hermitage and at +Montmorency I had seen with indignation the vexations which the jealous +care of the pleasures of princes causes to be exercised on wretched +peasants, forced to suffer the havoc made by game in their fields, +without daring to take any other measure to prevent this devastation than +that of making a noise, passing the night amongst the beans and peas, +with drums, kettles and bells, to keep off the wild boars. As I had been +a witness to the barbarous cruelty with which the Comte de Charolois +treated these poor people, I had toward the end of Emilius exclaimed +against it. This was another infraction of my maxims, which has not +remained unpunished. I was informed that the people of the Prince of +Conti were but little less severe upon his, estates; I trembled less that +prince, for whom I was penetrated with respect and gratitude, should take +to his own account what shocked humanity had made me say on that of +others, and feel himself offended. Yet, as my conscience fully acquitted +me upon this article, I made myself easy, and by so doing acted wisely: +at least, I have not heard that this great prince took notice of the +passage, which, besides, was written long before I had the honor of being +known to him. + +A few days either before or after the publication of my work, for I do +not exactly recollect the time, there appeared another work upon the same +subject, taken verbatim from my first volume, except a few stupid things +which were joined to the extract. The book bore the name of a Genevese, +one Balexsert, and, according to the title-page, had gained the premium +in the Academy of Harlem. I easily imagined the academy and the premium +to be newly founded, the better to conceal the plagiarism from the eyes +of the public; but I further perceived there was some prior intrigue +which I could not unravel; either by the lending of my manuscript, +without which the theft could not have been committed, or for the purpose +of forging the story of the pretended premium, to which it was necessary +to give some foundation. It was not until several years afterwards, that +by a word which escaped D'Ivernois, I penetrated the mystery and +discovered those by whom Balexsert had been brought forward. + +The low murmurings which precede a storm began to be heard, and men of +penetration clearly saw there was something gathering, relative to me and +my book, which would shortly break over my head. For my part my +stupidity was such, that, far from foreseeing my misfortune, I did not +suspect even the cause of it after I had felt its effect. It was +artfully given out that while the Jesuits were treated with severity, +no indulgence could be shown to books nor the authors of them in which +religion was attacked. I was reproached with having put my name to +Emilius, as if I had not put it to all my other works of which nothing +was said. Government seemed to fear it should be obliged to take some +steps which circumstances rendered necessary on account of my imprudence. +Rumors to this effect reached my ears, but gave me not much uneasiness: +it never even came into my head, that there could be the least thing in +the whole affair which related to me personally, so perfectly +irreproachable and well supported did I think myself; having besides +conformed to every ministerial regulation, I did not apprehend Madam de +Luxembourg would leave me in difficulties for an error, which, if it +existed, proceeded entirely from herself. But knowing the manner of +proceeding in like cases, and that it was customary to punish booksellers +while authors were favored; I had some uneasiness on account of poor +Duchesne, whom I saw exposed to danger, should M. de Malesherbes abandon +him. + +My tranquility still continued. Rumors increased and soon changed their +nature. The public, and especially the parliament, seemed irritated by +my composure. In a few days the fermentation became terrible, and the +object of the menaces being changed, these were immediately addressed to +me. The parliamentarians were heard to declare that burning books was of +no effect, the authors also should be burned with them; not a word was +said of the booksellers. The first time these expressions, more worthy +of an inquisitor of Goa than a senator, were related to me, I had no +doubt of their coming from the Holbachiques with an intention to alarm me +and drive me from France. I laughed at their puerile manoeuvre, and said +they would, had they known the real state of things, have thought of some +other means of inspiring me with fear; but the rumor at length became +such that I perceived the matter was serious. M. and Madam de Luxembourg +had this year come to Montmorency in the month of June, which, for their +second journey, was more early than common. I heard but little there of +my new books, notwithstanding the noise they made in Paris; neither the +marechal nor his lady said a single word to me on the subject. However, +one morning, when M. de Luxembourg and I were together, he asked me if, +in the 'Social Contract', I had spoken ill of M. de Choiseul. "I?" said +I, retreating a few steps with surprise; "no, I swear to you I have not; +but on the contrary, I have made on him, and with a pen not given to +praise, the finest eulogium a minister ever received." I then showed him +the passage. "And in Emilius?" replied he. "Not a word," said I; +"there is not in it a single word which relates to him."--"Ah!" said he, +with more vivacity than was common to him, "you should have taken the +same care in the other book, or have expressed yourself more clearly!" +"I thought," replied I, "what I wrote could not be misconstrued; my +esteem for him was such as to make me extremely cautious not to be +equivocal." + +He was again going to speak; I perceived him ready to open his mind: he +stopped short and held his tongue. Wretched policy of a courtier, which +in the best of hearts, subjugates friendship itself! + +This conversation although short, explained to me my situation, at least +in certain respects, and gave me to understand that it was against myself +the anger of administration was raised. The unheard of fatality, which +turned to my prejudice all the good I did and wrote, afflicted my heart. +Yet, feeling myself shielded in this affair by Madam de Luxembourg and M. +de Malesherbes, I did not perceive in what my persecutors could deprive +me of their protection. However, I, from that moment was convinced +equity and judgment were no longer in question, and that no pains would +be spared in examining whether or not I was culpable. The storm became +still more menacing. Neaulme himself expressed to me, in the excess of +his babbling, how much he repented having had anything to do in the +business, and his certainty of the fate with which the book and the +author were threatened. One thing, however, alleviated my fears: Madam +de Luxembourg was so calm, satisfied and cheerful, that I concluded she +must necessarily be certain of the sufficiency of her credit, especially +if she did not seem to have the least apprehension on my account; +moreover, she said not to me a word either of consolation or apology, and +saw the turn the affair took with as much unconcern as if she had nothing +to do with it or anything else that related to me. What surprised me +most was her silence. I thought she should have said something on the +subject. Madam de Boufflers seemed rather uneasy. She appeared +agitated, strained herself a good deal, assured me the Prince of Conti +was taking great pains to ward off the blow about to be directed against +my person, and which she attributed to the nature of present +circumstances, in which it was of importance to the parliament not to +leave the Jesuits an opening whereby they might bring an accusation +against it as being indifferent with respect to religion. She did not, +however, seem to depend much either upon the success of her own efforts +or even those of the prince. Her conversations, more alarming than +consolatory, all tended to persuade me to leave the kingdom and go to +England, where she offered me an introduction to many of her friends, +amongst others one to the celebrated Hume, with whom she had long been +upon a footing of intimate friendship. Seeing me still unshaken, she had +recourse to other arguments more capable of disturbing my tranquillity. +She intimated that, in case I was arrested and interrogated, I should be +under the necessity of naming Madam de Luxembourg, and that her +friendship for me required, on my part, such precautions as were +necessary to prevent her being exposed. My answer was, that should what +she seemed to apprehend come to pass, she need not be alarmed; that I +should do nothing by which the lady she mentioned might become a +sufferer. She said such a resolution was more easily taken than adhered +to, and in this she was right, especially with respect to me, determined +as I always have been neither to prejudice myself nor lie before judges, +whatever danger there might be in speaking the truth. + +Perceiving this observation had made some impression upon my mind, +without however inducing me to resolve upon evasion, she spoke of the +Bastile for a few weeks, as a means of placing me beyond the reach of the +jurisdiction of the parliament, which has nothing to do with prisoners of +state. I had no objection to this singular favor, provided it were not +solicited in my name. As she never spoke of it a second time, I +afterwards thought her proposition was made to sound me, and that the +party did not think proper to have recourse to an expedient which would +have put an end to everything. + +A few days afterwards the marechal received from the Cure de Dueil, the +friend of Grimm and Madam d'Epinay, a letter informing him, as from good +authority, that the parliament was to proceed against me with the +greatest severity, and that, on a day which he mentioned, an order was to +be given to arrest me. I imagined this was fabricated by the +Holbachiques; I knew the parliament to be very attentive to forms, +and that on this occasion, beginning by arresting me before it was +juridically known I avowed myself the author of the book was violating +them all. I observed to Madam de Boufflers that none but persons accused +of crimes which tend to endanger the public safety were, on a simple +information ordered to be arrested lest they should escape punishment. +But when government wish to punish a crime like mine, which merits honor +and recompense, the proceedings are directed against the book, and the +author is as much as possible left out of the question. + +Upon this she made some subtle distinction, which I have forgotten, to +prove that ordering me to be arrested instead of summoning me to be heard +was a matter of favor. The next day I received a letter from Guy, who +informed me that having in the morning been with the attorney-general, he +had seen in his office a rough draft of a requisition against Emilius and +the author. Guy, it is to be remembered, was the partner of Duchesne, +who had printed the work, and without apprehensions on his own account, +charitably gave this information to the author. The credit I gave to him +maybe judged of. + +It was, no doubt, a very probable story, that a bookseller, admitted to +an audience by the attorney-general, should read at ease scattered rough +drafts in the office of that magistrate! Madam de Boufflers and others +confirmed what he had said. By the absurdities which were incessantly +rung in my ears, I was almost tempted to believe that everybody I heard +speak had lost their senses. + +Clearly perceiving that there was some mystery, which no one thought +proper to explain to me, I patiently awaited the event, depending upon my +integrity and innocence, and thinking myself happy, let the persecution +which awaited me be what it would, to be called to the honor of suffering +in the cause of truth. Far from being afraid and concealing myself, +I went every day to the castle, and in the afternoon took my usual walk. +On the eighth of June, the evening before the order was concluded on, I +walked in company with two professors of the oratory, Father Alamanni and +Father Mandard. We carried to Champeaux a little collation, which we ate +with a keen appetite. We had forgotten to bring glasses, and supplied +the want of them by stalks of rye, through which we sucked up the wine +from the bottle, piquing ourselves upon the choice of large tubes to vie +with each other in pumping up what we drank. I never was more cheerful +in my life. + +I have related in what manner I lost my sleep during my youth. I had +since that time contracted a habit of reading every night in my bed, +until I found my eyes begin to grow heavy. I then extinguished my wax +taper, and endeavored to slumber for a few moments, which were in general +very short. The book I commonly read at night was the Bible, which, in +this manner I read five or six times from the beginning to the end. This +evening, finding myself less disposed to sleep than ordinary, I continued +my reading beyond the usual hour, and read the whole book which finishes +at the Levite of Ephraim, the Book of judges, if I mistake not, for since +that time I have never once seen it. This history affected me +exceedingly, and, in a kind of a dream, my imagination still ran on it, +when suddenly I was roused from my stupor by a noise and light. Theresa +carrying a candle, lighted M. la Roche, who perceiving me hastily raise +myself up, said: "Do not be alarmed; I come from Madam de Luxembourg, +who, in her letter incloses you another from the Prince of Conti. +"In fact, in the letter of Madam de Luxembourg I found another, which an +express from the prince had brought her, stating that, notwithstanding +all his efforts, it was determined to proceed against me with the utmost +rigor. "The fermentation," said he, "is extreme; nothing can ward off +the blow; the court requires it, and the parliament will absolutely +proceed; at seven o'clock in the morning an order will be made to arrest +him, and persons will immediately be sent to execute it. I have obtained +a promise that he shall not be pursued if he makes his escape; but if he +persists in exposing himself to be taken this will immediately happen." +La Roche conjured me in behalf of Madam de Luxembourg to rise and go and +speak to her. It was two o'clock and she had just retired to bed. +"She expects you," added he, "and will not go to sleep without speaking +to you." I dressed myself in haste and ran to her. + +She appeared to be agitated; this was for the first time. Her distress +affected me. In this moment of surprise and in the night, I myself was +not free from emotion; but on seeing her I forgot my own situation, and +thought of nothing but the melancholy part she would have to act should I +suffer myself to be arrested; for feeling I had sufficient courage +strictly to adhere to truth, although I might be certain of its being +prejudicial or even destructive to me, I was convinced I had not presence +of mind, address, nor perhaps firmness enough, not to expose her should I +be closely pressed. This determined me to sacrifice my reputation to her +tranquillity, and to do for her that which nothing could have prevailed +upon me to do for myself. The moment I had come to this resolution, +I declared it, wishing not to diminish the magnitude of the sacrifice by +giving her the least trouble to obtain it. I am sure she could not +mistake my motive, although she said not a word, which proved to me she +was sensible of it. I was so much shocked at her indifference that I, +for a moment, thought of retracting; but the marechal came in, and Madam +de Bouffiers arrived from Paris a few moments afterwards. They did what +Madam de Luxembourg ought to have done. I suffered myself to be +flattered; I was ashamed to retract; and the only thing that remained to +be determined upon was the place of my retreat and the time of my +departure. M. de Luxembourg proposed to me to remain incognito a few +days at the castle, that we might deliberate at leisure, and take such +measures as should seem most proper; to this I would not consent, no more +than to go secretly to the temple. I was determined to set off the same +day rather than remain concealed in any place whatever. + +Knowing I had secret and powerful enemies in the kingdom, I thought, +notwithstanding my attachment to France, I ought to quit it, the better +to insure my future tranquillity. My first intention was to retire to +Geneva, but a moment of reflection was sufficient to dissuade me from +committing that act of folly; I knew the ministry of France, more +powerful at Geneva than at Paris, would not leave me more at peace in one +of these cities than in the other, were a resolution taken to torment me. +I was also convinced the 'Discourse upon Inequality' had excited against +me in the council a hatred the more dangerous as the council dared not +make it manifest. I had also learned, that when the New Eloisa appeared, +the same council had immediately forbidden the sale of that work, upon +the solicitation of Doctor Tronchin; but perceiving the example not to be +imitated, even in Paris, the members were ashamed of what they had done, +and withdrew the prohibition. + +I had no doubt that, finding in the present case a more favorable +opportunity, they would be very careful to take advantage of it. +Notwithstanding exterior appearances, I knew there reigned against me in +the heart of every Genevese a secret jealousy, which, in the first +favorable moment, would publicly show itself. Nevertheless, the love of +my country called me to it, and could I have flattered myself I should +there have lived in peace, I should not have hesitated; but neither honor +nor reason permitting me to take refuge as a fugitive in a place of which +I was a citizen, I resolved to approach it only, and to wait in +Switzerland until something relative to me should be determined upon in +Geneva. This state of uncertainty did not, as it will soon appear, +continue long. + +Madam de Boufflers highly disapproved this resolution, and renewed her +efforts to induce me to go to England, but all she could say was of no +effect; I had never loved England nor the English, and the eloquence of +Madam de Boufflers, far from conquering my repugnancy, seemed to increase +it without my knowing why. Determined to set off the same day, I was +from the morning inaccessible to everybody, and La Roche, whom I sent to +fetch my papers, would not tell Theresa whether or not I was gone. Since +I had determined to write my own memoirs, I had collected a great number +of letters and other papers, so that he was obliged to return several +times. A part of these papers, already selected, were laid aside, and I +employed the morning in sorting the rest, that I might take with me such +only as were necessary and destroy what remained. + +M. de Luxembourg, was kind enough to assist me in this business, which we +could not finish before it was necessary I should set off, and I had not +time to burn a single paper. The marechal offered to take upon himself +to sort what I should leave behind me, and throw into the fire every +sheet that he found useless, without trusting to any person whomsoever, +and to send me those of which he should make choice. I accepted his +offer, very glad to be delivered from that care, that I might pass the +few hours I had to remain with persons so dear to me, from whom I was +going to separate forever. He took the key of the chamber in which I had +left these papers; and, at my earnest solicitation, sent for my poor +aunt, who, not knowing what had become of me, or what was to become of +herself, and in momentary expectation of the arrival of the officers of +justice, without knowing how to act or what to answer them, was miserable +to an extreme. La Roche accompanied her to the castle in silence; she +thought I was already far from Montmorency; on perceiving me, she made +the place resound with her cries, and threw herself into my arms. Oh, +friendship, affinity of sentiment, habit and intimacy. + +In this pleasing yet cruel moment, the remembrance of so many days of +happiness, tenderness and peace, passed together augmented the grief of a +first separation after an union of seventeen years during which we had +scarcely lost sight of each other for a single day. + +The marechal who saw this embrace, could not suppress his tears. +He withdrew. Theresa determined never more to leave me out of her sight. +I made her feel the inconvenience of accompanying me at that moment, and +the necessity of her remaining to take care of my effects and collect my +money. When an order is made to arrest a man, it is customary to seize +his papers and put a seal upon his effects, or to make an inventory of +them and appoint a guardian to whose care they are intrusted. It was +necessary Theresa should remain to observe what passed, and get +everything settled in the most advantageous manner possible. I promised +her she should shortly come to me; the marechal confirmed my promise; +but I did not choose to tell her to what place I was going, that, in case +of being interrogated by the persons who came to take me into custody, +she might with truth plead ignorance upon that head. In embracing her +the moment before we separated I felt within me a most extraordinary +emotion, and I said to her with an agitation which, alas! was but too +prophetic: "My dear girl, you must arm yourself with courage. You have +partaken of my prosperity; it now remains to you, since you have chosen +it, to partake of my misery. Expect nothing in future but insult and +calamity in following me. The destiny begun for me by this melancholy +day will pursue me until my latest hour." + +I had now nothing to think of but my departure. The officers were to +arrive at ten o'clock. It was four in the afternoon when I set off, and +they were not yet come. It was determined I should take post. I had no +carriage, The marechal made me a present of a cabriolet, and lent me +horses and a postillion the first stage, where, in consequence of the +measures he had taken, I had no difficulty in procuring others. + +As I had not dined at table, nor made my appearance in the castle, the +ladies came to bid me adieu in the entresol where I had passed the day. +Madam de Luxembourg embraced me several times with a melancholy air; +but I did not in these embraces feel the pressing I had done in those she +had lavished upon me two or three years before. Madam de Boufflers also +embraced me, and said to me many civil things. An embrace which +surprised me more than all the rest had done was one from Madam de +Mirepoix, for she also was at the castle. Madam la Marechale de Mirepoix +is a person extremely cold, decent, and reserved, and did not, at least +as she appeared to me, seem quite exempt from the natural haughtiness of +the house of Lorraine. She had never shown me much attention. Whether, +flattered by an honor I had not expected, I endeavored to enhance the +value of it; or that there really was in the embrace a little of that +commiseration natural to generous hearts, I found in her manner and look +something energetical which penetrated me. I have since that time +frequently thought that, acquainted with my destiny, she could not +refrain from a momentary concern for my fate. + +The marechal did not open his mouth; he was as pale as death. He would +absolutely accompany me to the carriage which waited at the watering +place. We crossed the garden without uttering a single word. I had a +key of the park with which I opened the gate, and instead of putting it +again into my pocket, I held it out to the marechal without saying a +word. He took it with a vivacity which surprised me, and which has since +frequently intruded itself upon my thoughts. + +I have not in my whole life had a more bitter moment than that of this +separation. Our embrace was long and silent: we both felt that this was +our last adieu. + +Between Barre and Montmorency I met, in a hired carriage, four men in +black, who saluted me smilingly. According to what Theresa has since +told me of the officers of justice, the hour of their arrival and their +manner of behavior, I have no doubt, that they were the persons I met, +especially as the order to arrest me, instead of being made out at seven +o'clock, as I had been told it would, had not been given till noon. I +had to go through Paris. A person in a cabriolet is not much concealed. +I saw several persons in the streets who saluted me with an air of +familiarity but I did not know one of them. The same evening I changed +my route to pass Villeroy. At Lyons the couriers were conducted to the +commandant. This might have been embarrassing to a man unwilling either +to lie or change his name. I went with a letter from Madam de Luxembourg +to beg M. de Villeroy would spare me this disagreeable ceremony. M. de +Villeroy gave me a letter of which I made no use, because I did not go +through Lyons. This letter still remains sealed up amongst my papers. +The duke pressed me to sleep at Villeroy, but I preferred returning to +the great road, which I did, and travelled two more stages the same +evening. + +My carriage was inconvenient and uncomfortable, and I was too much +indisposed to go far in a day. My appearance besides was not +sufficiently distinguished for me to be well served, and in France post- +horses feel the whip in proportion to the favorable opinion the +postillion has of his temporary master. By paying the guides generously +thought I should make up for my shabby appearance: this was still worse. +They took me for a worthless fellow who was carrying orders, and, for the +first time in my life, travelling post. From that moment I had nothing +but worn-out hacks, and I became the sport of the postillions. I ended +as I should have begun by being patient, holding my tongue, and suffering +myself to be driven as my conductors thought proper. + +I had sufficient matter of reflection to prevent me from being weary on +the road, employing myself in the recollection of that which had just +happened; but this was neither my turn of mind nor the inclination of my +heart. The facility with which I forget past evils, however recent they +may be, is astonishing. The remembrance of them becomes feeble, and, +sooner or later, effaced, in the inverse proportion to the greater degree +of fear with which the approach of them inspires me. My cruel +imagination, incessantly tormented by the apprehension of evils still at +a distance, diverts my attention, and prevents me from recollecting those +which are past. Caution is needless after the evil has happened, and it +is time lost to give it a thought. I, in some measure, put a period to +my misfortunes before they happen: the more I have suffered at their +approach the greater is the facility with which I forget them; whilst, on +the contrary, incessantly recollecting my past happiness, I, if I may so +speak, enjoy it a second time at pleasure. It is to this happy +disposition I am indebted for an exemption from that ill humor which +ferments in a vindictive mind, by the continual remembrance of injuries +received, and torments it with all the evil it wishes to do its enemy. +Naturally choleric, I have felt all the force of anger, which in the +first moments has sometimes been carried to fury, but a desire of +vengeance never took root within me. I think too little of the offence +to give myself much trouble about the offender. I think of the injury I +have received from him on account of that he may do me a second time, but +were I certain he would never do me another the first would be instantly +forgotten. Pardon of offences is continually preached to us. I knew not +whether or not my heart would be capable of overcoming its hatred, for it +never yet felt that passion, and I give myself too little concern about +my enemies to have the merit of pardoning them. I will not say to what a +degree, in order to torment me, they torment themselves. I am at their +mercy, they have unbounded power, and make of it what use they please. +There is but one thing in which I set them at defiance: which is in +tormenting themselves about me, to force me to give myself the least +trouble about them. + +The day after my departure I had so perfectly forgotten what had passed, +the parliament, Madam de Pompadour, M. de Choiseul, Grimm, and +D'Alembert, with their conspiracies, that had not it been for the +necessary precautions during the journey I should have thought no more of +them. The remembrance of one thing which supplied the place of all these +was what I had read the evening before my departure. I recollect, also, +the pastorals of Gessner, which his translator Hubert had sent me a +little time before. These two ideas occurred to me so strongly, and were +connected in such a manner in my mind, that I was determined to endeavor +to unite them by treating after the manner of Gessner, the subject of the +Levite of Ephraim. His pastoral and simple style appeared to me but +little fitted to so horrid a subject, and it was not to be presumed the +situation I was then in would furnish me with such ideas as would enliven +it. However, I attempted the thing, solely to amuse myself in my +cabriolet, and without the least hope of success. I had no sooner begun +than I was astonished at the liveliness of my ideas, and the facility +with which I expressed them. In three days I composed the first three +cantos of the little poem I finished at Motiers, and I am certain of not +having done anything in my life in which there is a more interesting +mildness of manners, a greater brilliancy of coloring, more simple +delineations, greater exactness of proportion, or more antique simplicity +in general, notwithstanding the horror of the subject which in itself is +abominable, so that besides every other merit I had still that of a +difficulty conquered. If the Levite of Ephraim be not the best of my +works, it will ever be that most esteemed. I have never read, nor shall +I ever read it again without feeling interiorly the applause of a heart +without acrimony, which, far from being embittered by misfortunes, is +susceptible of consolation in the midst of them, and finds within itself +a resource by which they are counterbalanced. Assemble the great +philosophers, so superior in their books to adversity which they do not +suffer, place them in a situation similar to mine, and, in the first +moments of the indignation of their injured honor, give them a like work +to compose, and it will be seen in what manner they will acquit +themselves of the task. + +When I set of from Montmorency to go into Switzerland, I had resolved to +stop at Yverdon, at the house of my old friend Roguin, who had several +years before retired to that place, and had invited me to go and see him. +I was told Lyons was not the direct road, for which reason I avoided +going through it. But I was obliged to pass through Besancon, a +fortified town, and consequently subject to the same inconvenience. I +took it into my head to turn about and to go to Salins, under the +pretense of going to see M. de Marian, the nephew of M. Dupin, who had an +employment at the salt-works, and formerly had given me many invitations +to his house. The expedition succeeded: M. de Marian was not in the +way, and, happily, not being obliged to stop, I continued my journey +without being spoken to by anybody. + +The moment I was within the territory of Berne, I ordered the postillion +to stop; I got out of my carriage, prostrated myself, kissed the ground, +and exclaimed in a transport of joy: "Heaven, the protector of virtue be +praised, I touch a land of liberty!" Thus blind and unsuspecting in my +hopes, have I ever been passionately attached to that which was to make +me unhappy. The man thought me mad. I got into the carriage, and a few +hours afterwards I had the pure and lively satisfaction of feeling myself +pressed within the arms of the respectable Rougin. Ah! let me breathe +for a moment with this worthy host! It is necessary I should gain +strength and courage before I proceed further. I shall soon find that in +my way which will give employment to them both. It is not without reason +that I have been diffuse in the recital of all the circumstances I have +been able to recollect. Although they may seem uninteresting, yet, when +once the thread of the conspiracy is got hold of, they may throw some +light upon the progress of it; and, for instance, without giving the +first idea of the problem I am going to propose, afford some aid in +solving it. + +Suppose that, for the execution of the conspiracy of which I was the +object, my absence was absolutely necessary, everything tending to that +effect could not have happened otherwise than it did; but if without +suffering myself to be alarmed by the nocturnal embassy of Madam de +Luxembourg, I had continued to hold out, and, instead of remaining at the +castle, had returned to my bed and quietly slept until morning, should I +have equally had an order of arrest made out against me? This is a great +question upon which the solution of many others depends, and for the +examination of it, the hour of the comminatory decree of arrest, and that +of the real decree may be remarked to advantage. A rude but sensible +example of the importance of the least detail in the exposition of facts, +of which the secret causes are sought for to discover them by induction. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Caution is needless after the evil has happened +Her excessive admiration or dislike of everything +More folly than candor in the declaration without necessity +Multiplying persons and adventures +That which neither women nor authors ever pardon + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v11 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU +(In 12 books) + +Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society + +London, 1903 + + + +BOOK XII. + + +With this book begins the work of darkness, in which I have for the last +eight years been enveloped, though it has not by any means been possible +for me to penetrate the dreadful obscurity. In the abyss of evil into +which I am plunged, I feel the blows reach me, without perceiving the +hand by which they are directed or the means it employs. Shame and +misfortune seem of themselves to fall upon me. When in the affliction of +my heart I suffer a groan to escape me, I have the appearance of a man +who complains without reason, and the authors of my ruin have the +inconceivable art of rendering the public unknown to itself, or without +its perceiving the effects of it, accomplice in their conspiracy. +Therefore, in my narrative of circumstances relative to myself, of the +treatment I have received, and all that has happened to me, I shall not +be able to indicate the hand by which the whole has been directed, nor +assign the causes, while I state the effect. The primitive causes are +all given in the preceding books; and everything in which I am +interested, and all the secret motives pointed out. But it is impossible +for me to explain, even by conjecture, that in which the different causes +are combined to operate the strange events of my life. If amongst my +readers one even of them should be generous enough to wish to examine the +mystery to the bottom, and discover the truth, let him carefully read +over a second time the three preceding books, afterwards at each fact he +shall find stated in the books which follow, let him gain such +information as is within his reach, and go back from intrigue to +intrigue, and from agent to agent, until he comes to the first mover of +all. I know where his researches will terminate; but in the meantime I +lose myself in the crooked and obscure subterraneous path through which +his steps must be directed. + +During my stay at Yverdon, I became acquainted with all the family of my +friend Roguin, and amongst others with his niece, Madam Boy de la Tour, +and her daughters, whose father, as I think I have already observed, +I formerly knew at Lyons. She was at Yverdon, upon a visit to her uncle +and his sister; her eldest daughter, about fifteen years of age, +delighted me by her fine understanding and excellent disposition. +I conceived the most tender friendship for the mother and the daughter. +The latter was destined by M. Rougin to the colonel, his nephew, a man +already verging towards the decline of life, and who showed me marks of +great esteem and affection; but although the heart of the uncle was set +upon this marriage, which was much wished for by the nephew also, and I +was greatly desirous to promote the satisfaction of both, the great +disproportion of age, and the extreme repugnancy of the young lady, made +me join with the mother in postponing the ceremony, and the affair was at +length broken off. The colonel has since married Mademoiselle Dillan, +his relation, beautiful, and amiable as my heart could wish, and who has +made him the happiest of husbands and fathers. However, M. Rougin has +not yet forgotten my opposition to his wishes. My consolation is in the +certainty of having discharged to him, and his family, the duty of the +most pure friendship, which does not always consist in being agreeable, +but in advising for the best. + +I did not remain long in doubt about the reception which awaited me at +Geneva, had I chosen to return to that city. My book was burned there, +and on the 18th of June, nine days after an order to arrest me had been +given at Paris, another to the same effect was determined upon by the +republic. So many incredible absurdities were stated in this second +decree, in which the ecclesiastical edict was formally violated, that I +refused to believe the first accounts I heard of it, and when these were +well confirmed, I trembled lest so manifest an infraction of every law, +beginning with that of common-sense, should create the greatest confusion +in the city. I was, however, relieved from my fears; everything remained +quiet. If there was any rumor amongst the populace, it was unfavorable +to me, and I was publicly treated by all the gossips and pedants like a +scholar threatened with a flogging for not having said his catechism. + +These two decrees were the signal for the cry of malediction, raised +against me with unexampled fury in every part of Europe. All the +gazettes, journals and pamphlets, rang the alarm-bell. The French +especially, that mild, generous, and polished people, who so much pique +themselves upon their attention and proper condescension to the +unfortunate, instantly forgetting their favorite virtues, signalized +themselves by the number and violence of the outrages with which, while +each seemed to strive who should afflict me most, they overwhelmed me. +I was impious, an atheist, a madman, a wild beast, a wolf. The +continuator of the Journal of Trevoux was guilty of a piece of +extravagance in attacking my pretended Lycanthropy, which was by no means +proof of his own. A stranger would have thought an author in Paris was +afraid of incurring the animadversion of the police, by publishing a work +of any kind without cramming into it some insult to me. I sought in vain +the cause of this unanimous animosity, and was almost tempted to believe +the world was gone mad. What! said I to myself, the editor of the +'Perpetual Peace', spread discord; the author of the 'Confession of the +Savoyard Vicar', impious; the writer of the 'New Eloisa', a wolf; the +author of 'Emilius', a madman! Gracious God! what then should I have +been had I published the 'Treatise de l'Esprit', or any similar work? +And yet, in the storm raised against the author of that book, the public, +far from joining the cry of his persecutors, revenged him of them by +eulogium. Let his book and mine, the receptions the two works met with, +and the treatment of the two authors in the different countries of +Europe, be compared; and for the difference let causes satisfactory to, +a man of sense be found, and I will ask no more. + +I found the residence of Yverdon so agreeable that I resolved to yield to +the solicitations of M. Roguin and his family, who, were desirous of +keeping me there. M. de Moiry de Gingins, bailiff of that city, +encouraged me by his goodness to remain within his jurisdiction. The +colonel pressed me so much to accept for my habitation a little pavilion +he had in his house between the court and the garden, that I complied +with his request, and he immediately furnished it with everything +necessary for my little household establishment. + +The banneret Roguin, one of the persons who showed me the most assiduous +attention, did not leave me for an instant during the whole day. I was +much flattered by his civilities, but they sometimes importuned me. The +day on which I was to take possession of my new habitation was already +fixed, and I had written to Theresa to come to me, when suddenly a storm +was raised against me in Berne, which was attributed to the devotees, but +I have never been able to learn the cause of it. The senate, excited +against me, without my knowing by whom, did not seem disposed to suffer +me to remain undisturbed in my retreat. The moment the bailiff was +informed of the new fermentation, he wrote in my favor to several of the +members of the government, reproaching them with their blind intolerance, +and telling them it was shameful to refuse to a man of merit, under +oppression, the asylum which such a numerous banditti found in their +states. Sensible people were of opinion the warmth of his reproaches had +rather embittered than softened the minds of the magistrates. However +this may be, neither his influence nor eloquence could ward off the blow. +Having received an intimation of the order he was to signify to me, he +gave me a previous communication of it; and that I might wait its +arrival, I resolved to set off the next day. The difficulty was to know +where to go, finding myself shut out from Geneva and all France, and +foreseeing that in the affair each state would be anxious to imitate its +neighbor. + +Madam Boy de la Tour proposed to me to go and reside in an uninhabited +but completely furnished house, which belonged to her son in the village +of Motiers, in the Val de Travers, in the county of Neuchatel. I had +only a mountain to cross to arrive at it. The offer came the more +opportunely, as in the states of the King of Prussia I should naturally +be sheltered from all persecution, at least religion could not serve as a +pretext for it. But a secret difficulty: improper for me at that moment +to divulge, had in it that which was very sufficient to make me hesitate. +The innnate love of justice, to which my heart was constantly subject, +added to my secret inclination to France, had inspired me with an +aversion to the King of Prussia, who by his maxims and conduct, seemed to +tread under foot all respect for natural law and every duty of humanity. +Amongst the framed engravings, with which I had decorated my alcove at +Montmorency, was a portrait of this prince, and under it a distich, the +last line of which was as follows: + + Il pense en philosophe, et se conduit en roi. + + [He thinks like a philosopher, and acts like a king.] + + +This verse, which from any other pen would have been a fine eulogium, +from mine had an unequivocal meaning, and too clearly explained the verse +by which it was preceded. The distich had been, read by everybody who +came to see me, and my visitors were numerous. The Chevalier de Lorenzy +had even written it down. to give it to D'Alembert, and I had no doubt +but D' Alembert had taken care to make my court with it to the prince. +I had also aggravated this first fault by a passage in 'Emilius', where +under the name of Adrastus, king of the Daunians, it was clearly seen +whom I had in view, and the remark had not escaped critics, because Madam +de Boufflers had several times mentioned the subject to me. I was, +therefore, certain of being inscribed in red ink in the registers of the +King of Prussia, and besides, supposing his majesty to have the +principles I had dared to attribute to him, he, for that reason, could +not but be displeased with my writings and their author; for everybody +knows the worthless part of mankind, and tyrants have never failed to +conceive the most mortal hatred against me, solely on reading my works, +without being acquainted with my person. + +However, I had presumption enough to depend upon his mercy, and was far +from thinking I ran much risk. I knew none but weak men were slaves to +the base passions, and that these had but little power over strong minds, +such as I had always thought his to be. According to his art of +reigning, I thought he could not but show himself magnanimous on this +occasion, and that being so in fact was not above his character. I +thought a mean and easy vengeance would not for a moment counterbalance +his love of glory, and putting myself in his place, his taking advantage +of circumstances to overwhelm with the weight of his generosity a man who +had dared to think ill of him, did not appear to me impossible. +I therefore went to settle at Motiers, with a confidence of which I +imagined he would feel all the value, and said to myself: When Jean +Jacques rises to the elevation of Coriolanus, will Frederick sink below +the General of the Volsci? + +Colonel Roguin insisted on crossing the mountain with me, and installing +me at Moiters. A sister-in-law to Madam Boy de la Tour, named Madam +Girardier, to whom the house in which I was going to live was very +convenient, did not see me arrive there with pleasure; however, she with +a good grace put me in possession of my lodgings, and I eat with her +until Theresa came, and my little establishment was formed. + +Perceiving at my departure from Montmorency I should in future be a +fugitive upon the earth, I hesitated about permitting her to come to me +and partake of the wandering life to which I saw myself condemned. I +felt the nature of our relation to each other was about to change, and +that what until then had on my part been favor and friendship, would in +future become so on hers. If her attachment was proof against my +misfortunes, to this I knew she must become a victim, and that her grief +would add to my pain. Should my disgrace weaken her affections, she +would make me consider her constancy as a sacrifice, and instead of +feeling the pleasure I had in dividing with her my last morsel of bread, +she would see nothing but her own merit in following me wherever I was +driven by fate. + +I must say everything; I have never concealed the vices either of my poor +mamma or myself; I cannot be more favorable to Theresa, and whatever +pleasure I may have in doing honor to a person who is dear to me, I will +not disguise the truth, although it may discover in her an error, if an +involuntary change of the affections of the heart be one. I had long +perceived hers to grow cooler towards me, and that she was no longer for +me what she had been in our younger days. Of this I was the more +sensible, as for her I was what I had always been. I fell into the same +inconvenience as that of which I had felt the effect with mamma, and this +effect was the same now I was with Theresa. Let us not seek for +perfection, which nature never produces; it would be the same thing with +any other woman. The manner in which I had disposed of my children, +however reasonable it had appeared to me, had not always left my heart at +ease. While writing my 'Treatise on Education', I felt I had neglected +duties with which it was not possible to dispense. Remorse at length +became so strong that it almost forced from me a public confession of my +fault at the beginning of my 'Emilius', and the passage is so clear, that +it is astonishing any person should, after reading it, have had the +courage to reproach me with my error. My situation was however still the +same, or something worse, by the animosity of my enemies, who sought to +find me in a fault. I feared a relapse, and unwilling to run the risk, +I preferred abstinence to exposing Theresa to a similar mortification. +I had besides remarked that a connection with women was prejudicial to my +health; this double reason made me form resolutions to which I had but +sometimes badly kept, but for the last three or four years I had more +constantly adhered to them. It was in this interval I had remarked +Theresa's coolness; she had the same attachment to me from duty, but not +the least from love. Our intercourse naturally became less agreeable, +and I imagined that, certain of the continuation of my cares wherever she +might be, she would choose to stay at Paris rather than to wander with +me. Yet she had given such signs of grief at our parting, had required +of me such positive promises that we should meet again, and, since my +departure, had expressed to the Prince de Conti and M. de Luxembourg so +strong a desire of it, that, far from having the courage to speak to her +of separation, I scarcely had enough to think of it myself; and after +having felt in my heart how impossible it was for me to do without her,. +all I thought of afterwards was to recall her to me as soon as possible. +I wrote to her to this effect, and she came. It was scarcely two months +since I had quitted her; but it was our first separation after a union of +so many years. We had both of us felt it most cruelly. What emotion in +our first embrace! O how delightful are the tears of tenderness and joy! +How does my heart drink them up! Why have I not had reason to shed them +more frequently? + +On my arrival at Motiers I had written to Lord Keith, marshal of Scotland +and governor of Neuchatel, informing him of my retreat into the states of +his Prussian majesty, and requesting of him his protection. He answered +me with his well-known generosity, and in the manner I had expected from +him. He invited me to his house. I went with M. Martinet, lord of the +manor of Val de Travers, who was in great favor with his excellency. +The venerable appearance of this illustrious and virtuous Scotchman, +powerfully affected my heart, and from that instant began between him and +me the strong attachment, which on my part still remains the same, and +would be so on his, had not the traitors, who have deprived me of all the +consolation of life, taken advantage of my absence to deceive his old age +and depreciate me in his esteem. + +George Keith, hereditary marshal of Scotland, and brother to the famous +General Keith, who lived gloriously and died in the bed of honor, had +quitted his country at a very early age, and was proscribed on account of +his attachment to the house of Stuart. With that house, however, he soon +became disgusted with the unjust and tyrannical spirit he remarked in the +ruling character of the Stuart family. He lived a long time in Spain, +the climate of which pleased him exceedingly, and at length attached +himself, as his brother had done, to the service of the King of Prussia, +who knew men and gave them the reception they merited. His majesty +received a great return for this reception, in the services rendered him +by Marshal Keith, and by what was infinitely more precious, the sincere +friendship of his lordship. The great mind of this worthy man, haughty +and republican, could stoop to no other yoke than that of friendship, but +to this it was so obedient, that with very different maxims he saw +nothing but Frederic the moment he became attached to him. The king +charged the marshal with affairs of importance, sent him to Paris, to +Spain, and at length, seeing he was already advanced in years, let him +retire with the government of Neuchatel, and the delightful employment of +passing there the remainder of his life in rendering the inhabitants +happy. + +The people of Neuchatel, whose manners are trivial, know not how to +distinguish solid merit, and suppose wit to consist in long discourses. +When they saw a sedate man of simple manners appear amongst them, they +mistook his simplicity for haughtiness, his candor for rusticity, his +laconism for stupidity, and rejected his benevolent cares, because, +wishing to be useful, and not being a sycophant, he knew not how to +flatter people he did not esteem. In the ridiculous affair of the +minister Petitpierre, who was displaced by his colleagues, for having +been unwilling they should be eternally damned, my lord, opposing the +usurpations of the ministers, saw the whole country of which he took the +part, rise up against him, and when I arrived there the stupid murmur had +not entirely subsided. He passed for a man influenced by the prejudices +with which he was inspired by others, and of all the imputations brought +against him it was the most devoid of truth. My first sentiment on +seeing this venerable old man, was that of tender commiseration, on +account of his extreme leanness of body, years having already left him +little else but skin and bone; but when I raised my eyes to his animated, +open, noble countenance, I felt a respect, mingled with confidence, which +absorbed every other sentiment. He answered the very short compliment I +made him when I first came into his presence by speaking of something +else, as if I had already been a week in his house. He did not bid us +sit down. The stupid chatelain, the lord of the manor, remained +standing. For my part I at first sight saw in the fine and piercing eye +of his lordship something so conciliating that, feeling myself entirely +at ease, I without ceremony, took my seat by his side upon the sofa. By +the familiarity of his manner I immediately perceived the liberty I took +gave him pleasure, and that he said to himself: This is not a +Neuchatelois. + +Singular effect of the similarity of characters! At an age when the +heart loses its natural warmth, that of this good old man grew warm by +his attachment to me to a degree which surprised everybody. He came to +see me at Motiers under the pretence of quail shooting, and stayed there +two days without touching a gun. We conceived such a friendship for each +other that we knew not how to live separate; the castle of Colombier, +where he passed the summer, was six leagues from Motiers; I went there at +least once a fortnight, and made a stay of twenty-four hours, and then +returned like a pilgrim with my heart full of affection for my host. The +emotion I had formerly experienced in my journeys from the Hermitage to +Raubonne was certainly very different, but it was not more pleasing than +that with which I approached Columbier. + +What tears of tenderness have I shed when on the road to it, while +thinking of the paternal goodness, amiable virtues, and charming +philosophy of this respectable old man! I called him father, and he +called me son. These affectionate names give, in some measure, an idea +of the attachment by which we were united, but by no means that of the +want we felt of each other, nor of our continual desire to be together. +He would absolutely give me an apartment at the castle of Columbier, and +for a long time pressed me to take up my residence in that in which I +lodged during my visits. I at length told him I was more free and at my +ease in my own house, and that I had rather continue until the end of my +life to come and see him. He approved of my candor, and never afterwards +spoke to me on the subject. Oh, my good lord! Oh, my worthy father! +How is my heart still moved when I think of your goodness? Ah, barbarous +wretches! how deeply did they wound me when they deprived me of your +friendship? But no, great man, you are and ever will be the same for me, +who am still the same. You have been deceived, but you are not changed. +My lord marechal is not without faults; he is a man of wisdom, but he is +still a man. With the greatest penetration, the nicest discrimination, +and the most profound knowledge of men, he sometimes suffers himself to +be deceived, and never recovers his error. His temper is very singular +and foreign to his general turn of mind. He seems to forget the people +he sees every day, and thinks of them in a moment when they least expect +it; his attention seems ill-timed; his presents are dictated by caprice +and not by propriety. He gives or sends in an instant whatever comes +into his head, be the value of it ever so small. A young Genevese, +desirous of entering into the service of Prussia, made a personal +application to him; his lordship, instead of giving him a letter, gave +him a little bag of peas, which he desired him to carry to the king. On +receiving this singular recommendation his majesty gave a commission to +the bearer of it. These elevated geniuses have between themselves a +language which the vulgar will never understand. The whimsical manner of +my lord marechal, something like the caprice of a fine woman, rendered +him still more interesting to me. I was certain, and afterwards had +proofs, that it had not the least influence over his sentiments, nor did +it affect the cares prescribed by friendship on serious occasions, yet in +his manner of obliging there is the same singularity as in his manners in +general. Of this I will give one instance relative to a matter of no +great importance. The journey from Motiers to Colombier being too long +for me to perform in one day, I commonly divided it by setting off after +dinner and sleeping at Brot, which is half way. The landlord of the +house where I stopped, named Sandoz, having to solicit at Berlin a favor +of importance to him, begged I would request his excellency to ask it in +his behalf. "Most willingly," said I, and took him with me. I left him +in the antechamber, and mentioned the matter to his lordship, who +returned me no answer. After passing with him the whole morning, I saw +as I crossed the hall to go to dinner, poor Sandoz, who was fatigued to +death with waiting. Thinking the governor had forgotten what I had said +to him, I again spoke of the business before we sat down to table, but +still received no answer. I thought this manner of making me feel I was +importunate rather severe, and, pitying the poor man in waiting, held my +tongue. On my return the next day I was much surprised at the thanks he +returned me for the good dinner his excellency had given him after +receiving his paper. Three weeks afterwards his lordship sent him the +rescript he had solicited, dispatched by the minister, and signed by the +king, and this without having said a word either to myself or Sandoz +concerning the business, about which I thought he did not wish to give +himself the least concern. + +I could wish incessantly to speak of George Keith; from him proceeds my +recollection of the last happy moments I have enjoyed: the rest of my +life, since our separation, has been passed in affliction and grief of +heart. The remembrance of this is so melancholy and confused that it was +impossible for me to observe the least order in what I write, so that in +future I shall be under the necessity of stating facts without giving +them a regular arrangement. + +I was soon relieved from my inquietude arising from the uncertainty of my +asylum, by the answer from his majesty to the lord marshal, in whom, as +it will readily be believed, I had found an able advocate. The king not +only approved of what he had done, but desired him, for I must relate +everything, to give me twelve louis. The good old man, rather +embarrassed by the commission, and not knowing how to execute it +properly, endeavored to soften the insult by transforming the money into +provisions, and writing to me that he had received orders to furnish me +with wood and coal to begin my little establishment; he moreover added, +and perhaps from himself, that his majesty would willingly build me a +little house, such a one as I should choose to have, provided I would fix +upon the ground. I was extremely sensible of the kindness of the last +offer, which made me forget the weakness of the other. Without accepting +either, I considered Frederic as my benefactor and protector, and became +so sincerely attached to him, that from that moment I interested myself +as much in his glory as until then I had thought his successes unjust. +At the peace he made soon after, I expressed my joy by an illumination in +a very good taste: it was a string of garlands, with which I decorated +the house I inhabited, and in which, it is true, I had the vindictive +haughtiness to spend almost as much money as he had wished to give me. +The peace ratified, I thought as he was at the highest pinnacle of +military and political fame, he would think of acquiring that of another +nature, by reanimating his states, encouraging in them commerce and +agriculture, creating a new soil, covering it with a new people, +maintaining peace amongst his neighbors, and becoming the arbitrator, +after having been the terror, of Europe. He was in a situation to sheath +his sword without danger, certain that no sovereign would oblige him +again to draw it. Perceiving he did not disarm, I was afraid he would +profit but little by the advantages he had gained, and that he would be +great only by halves. I dared to write to him upon the subject, and with +a familiarity of a nature to please men of his character, conveying to +him the sacred voice of truth, which but few kings are worthy to hear. +The liberty I took was a secret between him and myself. I did not +communicate it even to the lord marshal, to whom I sent my letter to the +king sealed up. His lordship forwarded my dispatch without asking what +it contained. His majesty returned me no answer and the marshal going +soon after to Berlin, the king told him he had received from me a +scolding. By this I understood my letter had been ill received, and the +frankness of my zeal had been mistaken for the rusticity of a pedant. +In fact, this might possibly be the case; perhaps I did not say what was +necessary, nor in the manner proper to the occasion. All I can answer +for is the sentiment which induced me to take up the pen. + +Shortly after my establishment at Motiers, Travers having every possible +assurance that I should be suffered to remain there in peace, I took the +Armenian habit. This was not the first time I had thought of doing it. +I had formerly had the same intention, particularly at Montmorency, where +the frequent use of probes often obliging me to keep my chamber, made me +more clearly perceive the advantages of a long robe. The convenience of +an Armenian tailor, who frequently came to see a relation he had at +Montmorency, almost tempted me to determine on taking this new dress, +troubling myself but little about what the world would say of it. Yet, +before I concluded about the matter, I wished to take the opinion of +M. de Luxembourg, who immediately advised me to follow my inclination. +I therefore procured a little Armenian wardrobe, but on account of the +storm raised against me, I was induced to postpone making use of it until +I should enjoy tranquillity, and it was not until some months afterwards +that, forced by new attacks of my disorder, I thought I could properly, +and without the least risk, put on my new dress at Motiers, especially +after having consulted the pastor of the place, who told me I might wear +it even in the temple without indecency. I then adopted the waistcoat, +caffetan, fur bonnet, and girdle; and after having in this dress attended +divine service, I saw no impropriety in going in it to visit his +lordship. His excellency in seeing me clothed in this manner made me no +other compliment than that which consisted in saying "Salaam aliakum," +i.e., "Peace be with you;" the common Turkish salutation; after which +nothing more was said upon the subject, and I continued to wear my new +dress. + +Having quite abandoned literature, all I now thought of was leading a +quiet life, and one as agreeable as I could make it. When alone, I have +never felt weariness of mind, not even in complete inaction; my +imagination filling up every void, was sufficient to keep up my +attention. The inactive babbling of a private circle, where, seated +opposite to each other, they who speak move nothing but the tongue, is +the only thing I have ever been unable to support. When walking and +rambling about there is some satisfaction in conversation; the feet and +eyes do something; but to hear people with their arms across speak of the +weather, of the biting of flies, or what is still worse, compliment each +other, is to me an insupportable torment. That I might not live like a +savage, I took it into my head to learn to make laces. Like the women, +I carried my cushion with me, when I went to make visits, or sat down to +work at my door, and chatted with passers-by. This made me the better +support the emptiness of babbling, and enabled me to pass my time with my +female neighbors without weariness. Several of these were very amiable +and not devoid of wit. One in particular, Isabella d'Ivernois, daughter +of the attorney-general of Neuchatel, I found so estimable as to induce +me to enter with her into terms of particular friendship, from which she +derived some advantage by the useful advice I gave her, and the services +she received from me on occasions of importance, so that now a worthy and +virtuous mother of a family, she is perhaps indebted to me for her +reason, her husband, her life, and happiness. On my part, I received +from her gentle consolation, particularly during a melancholy winter, +through out the whole of which when my sufferings were most cruel, she +came to pass with Theresa and me long evenings, which she made very short +for us by her agreeable conversation, and our mutual openness of heart. +She called me papa, and I called her daughter, and these names, which we +still give to each other, will, I hope, continue to be as dear to her as +they are to me. That my laces might be of some utility, I gave them to +my young female friends at their marriages, upon condition of their +suckling their children; Isabella's eldest sister had one upon these +terms, and well deserved it by her observance of them; Isabella herself +also received another, which, by intention she as fully merited. She has +not been happy enough to be able to pursue her inclination. When I sent +the laces to the two sisters, I wrote each of them a letter; the first +has been shown about in the world; the second has not the same celebrity: +friendship proceeds with less noise. + +Amongst the connections I made in my neighborhood, of which I will not +enter into a detail, I must mention that with Colonel Pury, who had a +house upon the mountain, where he came to pass the summer. I was not +anxious to become acquainted with him, because I knew he was upon bad +terms at court, and with the lord marshal, whom he did not visit. Yet, +as he came to see me, and showed me much attention, I was under the +necessity of returning his visit; this was repeated, and we sometimes +dined with each other. At his house I became acquainted with M. du +Perou, and afterwards too intimately connected with him to pass his name +over in silence. + +M. du Perou was an American, son to a commandant of Surinam, whose +successor, M. le Chambrier, of Neuchatel, married his widow. Left a +widow a second time, she came with her son to live in the country of her +second husband. + +Du Perou, an only son, very rich, and tenderly beloved by his mother, had +been carefully brought up, and his education was not lost upon him. He +had acquired much knowledge, a taste for the arts, and piqued himself +upon his having cultivated his rational faculty: his Dutch appearance, +yellow complexion, and silent and close disposition, favored this +opinion. Although young, he was already deaf and gouty. This rendered +his motions deliberate and very grave, and although he was fond of +disputing, he in general spoke but little because his hearing was bad. +I was struck with his exterior, and said to myself, this is a thinker, a +man of wisdom, such a one as anybody would be happy to have for a friend. +He frequently addressed himself to me without paying the least +compliment, and this strengthened the favorable opinion I had already +formed of him. He said but little to me of myself or my books, and still +less of himself; he was not destitute of ideas, and what he said was +just. This justness and equality attracted my regard. He had neither +the elevation of mind, nor the discrimination of the lord marshal, but he +had all his simplicity: this was still representing him in something. I +did not become infatuated with him, but he acquired my attachment from +esteem; and by degrees this esteem led to friendship, and I totally +forgot the objection I made to the Baron Holbach: that he was too rich. + +For a long time I saw but little of Du Perou, because I did not go to +Neuchatel, and he came but once a year to the mountain of Colonel Pury. +Why did I not go to Neuchatel? This proceeded from a childishness upon +which I must not be silent. + +Although protected by the King of Prussia and the lord marshal, while I +avoided persecution in my asylum, I did not avoid the murmurs of the +public, of municipal magistrates and ministers. After what had happened +in France it became fashionable to insult me; these people would have +been afraid to seem to disapprove of what my persecutors had done by not +imitating them. The 'classe' of Neuchatel, that is, the ministers of +that city, gave the impulse, by endeavoring to move the council of state +against me. This attempt not having succeeded, the ministers addressed +themselves to the municipal magistrate, who immediately prohibited my +book, treating me on all occasions with but little civility, and saying, +that had I wished to reside in the city I should not have been suffered +to do it. They filled their Mercury with absurdities and the most stupid +hypocrisy, which, although, it makes every man of sense laugh, animated +the people against me. This, however, did not prevent them from setting +forth that I ought to be very grateful for their permitting me to live at +Motiers, where they had no authority; they would willingly have measured +me the air by the pint, provided I had paid for it a dear price. They +would have it that I was obliged to them for the protection the king +granted me in spite of the efforts they incessantly made to deprive me of +it. Finally, failing of success, after having done me all the injury +they could, and defamed me to the utmost of their power, they made a +merit of their impotence, by boasting of their goodness in suffering me +to stay in their country. I ought to have laughed at their vain efforts, +but I was foolish enough to be vexed at them, and had the weakness to be +unwilling to go to Neuchatel, to which I yielded for almost two years, +as if it was not doing too much honor to such wretches, to pay attention +to their proceedings, which, good or bad, could not be imputed to them, +because they never act but from a foreign impulse. Besides, minds +without sense or knowledge, whose objects of esteem are influence, power +and money, and far from imagining even that some respect is due to +talents, and that it is dishonorable to injure and insult them. + +A certain mayor of a village, who from sundry malversations had been +deprived of his office, said to the lieutenant of Val de Travers, the +husband of Isabella: "I am told this Rousseau has great wit,--bring him +to me that I may see whether he has or not." The disapprobation of such +a man ought certainly to have no effect upon those on whom it falls. + +After the treatment I had received at Paris, Geneva, Berne, and even at +Neuchatel, I expected no favor from the pastor of this place. I had, +however, been recommended to him by Madam Boy de la Tour, and he had +given me a good reception; but in that country where every new-comer is +indiscriminately flattered, civilities signify but little. Yet, after my +solemn union with the reformed church, and living in a Protestant +country, I could not, without failing in my engagements, as well as in +the duty of a citizen, neglect the public profession of the religion into +which I had entered; I therefore attended divine service. On the other +hand, had I gone to the holy table, I was afraid of exposing myself to a +refusal, and it was by no means probable, that after the tumult excited +at Geneva by the council, and at Neuchatel by the classe (the ministers), +he would, without difficulty administer to me the sacrament in his +church. The time of communion approaching, I wrote to M. de Montmollin, +the minister, to prove to him my desire of communicating, and declaring +myself heartily united to the Protestant church; I also told him, in +order to avoid disputing upon articles of faith, that I would not hearken +to any particular explanation of the point of doctrine. After taking +these steps I made myself easy, not doubting but M. de Montmollin would +refuse to admit me without the preliminary discussion to which I refused +to consent, and that in this manner everything would be at an end without +any fault of mine. I was deceived: when I least expected anything of the +kind, M. de Montmollin came to declare to me not only that he admitted me +to the communion under the condition which I had proposed, but that he +and the elders thought themselves much honored by my being one of their +flock. I never in my whole life felt greater surprise or received from +it more consolation. Living always alone and unconnected, appeared to me +a melancholy destiny, especially in adversity. In the midst of so many +proscriptions and persecutions, I found it extremely agreeable to be able +to say to myself: I am at least amongst my brethren; and I went to the +communion with an emotion of heart, and my eyes suffused with tears of +tenderness, which perhaps were the most agreeable preparation to Him to +whose table I was drawing near. + +Sometime afterwards his lordship sent me a letter from Madam de +Boufflers, which he had received, at least I presumed so, by means of +D'Alembert, who was acquainted with the marechal. In this letter, the +first this lady had written to me after my departure from Montmorency, +she rebuked me severely for having written to M. de Montmollin, and +especially for having communicated. I the less understood what she meant +by her reproof, as after my journey to Geneva, I had constantly declared +myself a Protestant, and had gone publicly to the Hotel de Hollande +without incurring the least censure from anybody. It appeared to me +diverting enough, that Madam de Boufflers should wish to direct my +conscience in matters of religion. However, as I had no doubt of the +purity of her intention, I was not offended by this singular sally, and I +answered her without anger, stating to her my reasons. + +Calumnies in print were still industriously circulated, and their benign +authors reproached the different powers with treating me too mildly. +For my part, I let them say and write what they pleased, without giving +myself the least concern about the matter. I was told there was a +censure from the Sorbonne, but this I could not believe. What could the +Sorbonne have to do in the matter? Did the doctors wish to know to a +certainty that I was not a Catholic? Everybody already knew I was not +one. Were they desirous of proving I was not a good Calvinist? Of what +consequence was this to them? It was taking upon themselves a singular +care, and becoming the substitutes of our ministers. Before I saw this +publication I thought it was distributed in the name of the Sorbonne, by +way of mockery: and when I had read it I was convinced this was the case. +But when at length there was not a doubt of its authenticity, all I could +bring myself to believe was, that the learned doctors would have been +better placed in a madhouse than they were in the college. + +I was more affected by another publication, because it came from a man +for whom I always had an esteem, and whose constancy I admired, though I +pitied his blindness. I mean the mandatory letter against me by the +archbishop of Paris. I thought to return an answer to it was a duty I +owed myself. This I felt I could do without derogating from my dignity; +the case was something similar to that of the King of Poland. I had +always detested brutal disputes, after the manner of Voltaire. I never +combat but with dignity, and before I deign to defend myself I must be +certain that he by whom I am attacked will not dishonor my retort. I had +no doubt but this letter was fabricated by the Jesuits, and although they +were at that time in distress, I discovered in it their old principle of +crushing the wretched. I was therefore at liberty to follow my ancient +maxim, by honoring the titulary author, and refuting the work which I +think I did completely. + +I found my residence at Motiers very agreeable, and nothing was wanting +to determine me to end my days there, but a certainty of the means of +subsistence. Living is dear in that neighborhood, and all my old +projects had been overturned by the dissolution of my household +arrangements at Montmorency, the establishment of others, the sale or +squandering of my furniture, and the expenses incurred since my +departure. The little capital which remained to me daily diminished. +Two or three years were sufficient to consume the remainder without my +having the means of renewing it, except by again engaging in literary +pursuits: a pernicious profession which I had already abandoned. +Persuaded that everything which concerned me would change, and that the +public, recovered from its frenzy, would make my persecutors blush, all +my endeavors tended to prolong my resources until this happy revolution +should take place, after which I should more at my ease choose a resource +from amongst those which might offer themselves. To this effect I took +up my Dictionary of Music, which ten years' labor had so far advanced as +to leave nothing wanting to it but the last corrections. My books which +I had lately received, enabled me to finish this work; my papers sent me +by the same conveyance, furnished me with the means of beginning my +memoirs to which I was determined to give my whole attention. I began by +transcribing the letters into a book, by which my memory might be guided +in the order of fact and time. I had already selected those I intended +to keep for this purpose, and for ten years the series was not +interrupted. However, in preparing them for copying I found an +interruption at which I was surprised. This was for almost six months, +from October, 1756, to March following. I recollected having put into my +selection a number of letters from Diderot, De Leyre, Madam d' Epinay, +Madam de Chenonceaux, etc., which filled up the void and were missing. +What was become of them? Had any person laid their hands upon my papers +whilst they remained in the Hotel de Luxembourg? This was not +conceivable, and I had seen M. de Luxembourg take the key of the chamber +in which I had deposited them. Many letters from different ladies, and +all those from Diderot, were without date, on which account I had been +under the necessity of dating them from memory before they could be put +in order, and thinking I might have committed errors, I again looked them +over for the purpose of seeing whether or not I could find those which +ought to fill up the void. This experiment did not succeed. I perceived +the vacancy to be real, and that the letters had certainly been taken +away. By whom and for what purpose? This was what I could not +comprehend. These letters, written prior to my great quarrels, and at +the time of my first enthusiasm in the composition of 'Eloisa', could not +be interesting to any person. They contained nothing more than +cavillings by Diderot, jeerings from De Leyre, assurances of friendship +from M. de Chenonceaux, and even Madam d'Epinay, with whom I was then +upon the best of terms. To whom were these letters of consequence? To +what use were they to be put? It was not until seven years afterwards +that I suspected the nature of the theft. The deficiency being no longer +doubtful, I looked over my rough drafts to see whether or not it was the +only one. I found several, which on account of the badness of my memory, +made me suppose others in the multitude of my papers. Those I remarked +were that of the 'Morale Sensitive', and the extract of the adventures of +Lord Edward. The last, I confess, made me suspect Madam de Luxembourg. +La Roche, her valet de chambre, had sent me the papers, and I could think +of nobody but herself to whom this fragment could be of consequence; but +what concern could the other give her, any more than the rest of the +letters missing, with which, even with evil intentions, nothing to my +prejudice could be done, unless they were falsified? As for the +marechal, with whose friendship for me, and invariable integrity, I was +perfectly acquainted, I never could suspect him for a moment. The most +reasonable supposition, after long tormenting my mind in endeavoring to +discover the author of the theft, that which imputed it to D'Alembert, +who, having thrust himself into the company of Madam de Luxembourg, might +have found means to turn over these papers, and take from amongst them +such manuscripts and letters as he might have thought proper, either for +the purpose of endeavoring to embroil me with the writer of them, or to +appropriate those he should find useful to his own private purposes. I +imagined that, deceived by the title of Morale Sensitive, he might have +supposed it to be the plan of a real treatise upon materialism, with +which he would have armed himself against me in a manner easy to be +imagined. Certain that he would soon be undeceived by reading the sketch +and determined to quit all literary pursuits, these larcenies gave me but +little concern. They besides were not the first the same hand + + [I had found in his 'Elemens de Musique' (Elements of Music) + several things taken from what I had written for the 'Encyclopedie', + and which were given to him several years before the publication of + his elements. I know not what he may have had to do with a book + entitled 'Dictionaire des Beaux Arts' (Dictionary of the Fine Arts) + but I found in it articles transcribed word for word from mine, and + this long before the same articles were printed in the + Encyclopedie.] + +had committed upon me without having complained of these pilferings. In +a very little time I thought no more of the trick that had been played me +than if nothing had happened, and began to collect the materials I had +left for the purpose of undertaking my projected confessions. + +I had long thought the company of ministers, or at least the citizens and +burgesses of Geneva, would remonstrate against the infraction of the +edict in the decree made against me. Everything remained quiet, at least +to all exterior appearance; for discontent was general, and ready, on the +first opportunity, openly to manifest itself. My friends, or persons +calling themselves such, wrote letter after letter exhorting me to come +and put myself at their head, assuring me of public separation from the +council. The fear of the disturbance and troubles which might be caused +by my presence, prevented me from acquiescing with their desires, and, +faithful to the oath I had formerly made, never to take the least part in +any civil dissension in my country, I chose rather to let the offence +remain as it was, and banish myself forever from the country, than to +return to it by means which were violent and dangerous. It is true, +I expected the burgesses would make legal remonstrances against an +infraction in which their interests were deeply concerned; but no such +steps were taken. They who conducted the body of citizens sought less +the real redress of grievances than an opportunity to render themselves +necessary. They caballed but were silent, and suffered me to be +bespattered by the gossips and hypocrites set on to render me odious in +the eyes of the populace, and pass upon them their boistering for a zeal +in favor of religion. + +After having, during a whole year, vainly expected that some one would +remonstrate against an illegal proceeding, and seeing myself abandoned by +my fellow-citizens, I determined to renounce my ungrateful country in +which I never had lived, from which I had not received either inheritance +or services, and by which, in return for the honor I had endeavored to do +it, I saw myself so unworthily treated by unanimous consent, since they, +who should have spoken, had remained silent. I therefore wrote to the +first syndic for that year, to M. Favre, if I remember right, a letter in +which I solemnly gave up my freedom of the city of Geneva, carefully +observing in it, however, that decency and moderation, from which I have +never departed in the acts of haughtiness which, in my misfortunes, the +cruelty of my enemies have frequently forced upon me, + +This step opened the eyes of the citizens, who feeling they had neglected +their own interests by abandoning my defence, took my part when it was +too late. They had wrongs of their own which they joined to mine, and +made these the subject of several well-reasoned representations, which +they strengthened and extended, as the refusal of the council, supported +by the ministry of France, made them more clearly perceive the project +formed to impose on them a yoke. These altercations produced several +pamphlets which were undecisive, until that appeared entitled 'Lettres +ecrites de la Campagne', a work written in favor of the council, with +infinite art, and by which the remonstrating party, reduced to silence, +was crushed for a time. This production, a lasting monument of the rare +talents of its author, came from the Attorney-General Tronchin, a man of +wit and an enlightened understanding, well versed in the laws and +government of the republic. 'Siluit terra'. + +The remonstrators, recovered from their first overthrow, undertook to +give an answer, and in time produced one which brought them off tolerably +well. But they all looked to me, as the only person capable of combating +a like adversary with hope of success. I confess I was of their opinion, +and excited by my former fellow-citizens, who thought it was my duty to +aid them with my pen, as I had been the cause of their embarrassment, I +undertook to refute the 'Lettres ecrites de la Campagne', and parodied +the title of them by that of 'Lettres ecrites de la Montagne,' which I +gave to mine. I wrote this answer so secretly, that at a meeting I had +at Thonon, with the chiefs of the malcontents to talk of their affairs, +and where they showed me a sketch of their answer, I said not a word of +mine, which was quite ready, fearing obstacles might arise relative to +the impression of it, should the magistrate or my enemies hear of what I +had done. This work was, however known in France before the publication; +but government chose rather to let it appear, than to suffer me to guess +at the means by which my secret had been discovered. Concerning this I +will state what I know, which is but trifling: what I have conjectured +shall remain with myself. + +I received, at Motiers, almost as many visits as at the Hermitage and +Montmorency; but these, for the most part were a different kind. They +who had formerly come to see me were people who, having taste, talents, +and principles, something similar to mine, alleged them as the causes of +their visits, and introduced subjects on which I could converse. At +Motiers the case was different, especially with the visitors who came +from France. They were officers or other persons who had no taste for +literature, nor had many of them read my works, although, according to +their own accounts, they had travelled thirty, forty, sixty, and even a +hundred leagues to come and see me, and admire the illustrious man, the +very celebrated, the great man, etc. For from the time of my settling at +Motiers, I received the most impudent flattery, from which the esteem of +those with whom I associated had formerly sheltered me. As but few of my +new visitors deigned to tell me who or what they were, and as they had +neither read nor cast their eye over my works, nor had their researches +and mine been directed to the same objects, I knew not what to speak to +them upon: I waited for what they had to say, because it was for them to +know and tell me the purpose of their visit. It will naturally be +imagined this did not produce conversations very interesting to me, +although they, perhaps, were so to my visitors, according to the +information they might wish to acquire; for as I was without suspicion, +I answered without reserve, to every question they thought proper to ask +me, and they commonly went away as well informed as myself of the +particulars of my situation. + +I was, for example, visited in this manner by M. de Feins, equerry to the +queen, and captain of cavalry, who had the patience to pass several days +at Motiers, and to follow me on foot even to La Ferriere, leading his +horse by the bridle, without having with me any point of union, except +our acquaintance with Mademoiselle Fel, and that we both played at +'bilboquet'. [A kind of cup and ball.] + +Before this I had received another visit much more extraordinary. Two +men arrived on foot, each leading a mule loaded with his little baggage, +lodging at the inn, taking care of their mules and asking to see me. By +the equipage of these muleteers they were taken for smugglers, and the +news that smugglers were come to see me was instantly spread. Their +manner of addressing me sufficiently showed they were persons of another +description; but without being smugglers they might be adventurers, and +this doubt kept me for some time on my guard. They soon removed my +apprehensions. One was M. de Montauban, who had the title of Comte de la +Tour du Pin, gentleman to the dauphin; the other, M. Dastier de +Carpentras, an old officer who had his cross of St. Louis in his pocket, +because he could not display it. These gentlemen, both very amiable, +were men of sense, and their manner of travelling, so much to my own +taste, and but little like that of French gentlemen, in some measure +gained them my attachment, which an intercourse with them served to +improve. Our acquaintance did not end with the visit; it is still kept +up, and they have since been several times to see me, not on foot, that +was very well for the first time; but the more I have seen of these +gentlemen the less similarity have I found between their taste and mine; +I have not discovered their maxims to be such as I have ever observed, +that my writings are familiar to them, or that there is any real sympathy +between them and myself. What, therefore, did they want with me? Why +came they to see me with such an equipage? Why repeat their visit? Why +were they so desirous of having me for their host? I did not at that +time propose to myself these questions; but they have sometimes occurred +to me since. + +Won by their advances, my heart abandoned itself without reserve, +especially to M. Dastier, with whose open countenance I was more +particularly pleased. I even corresponded with him, and when I +determined to print the 'Letters from the Mountains', I thought of +addressing myself to him, to deceive those by whom my packet was waited +for upon the road to Holland. He had spoken to me a good deal, and +perhaps purposely, upon the liberty of the press at Avignon; he offered +me his services should I have anything to print there: I took advantage +of the offer and sent him successively by the post my first sheets. +After having kept these for some time, he sent them back to me, +"Because," said he, "no bookseller dared to sell them;" and I was obliged +to have recourse to Rey taking care to send my papers, one after the +other, and not to part with those which succeeded until I had advice of +the reception of those already sent. Before the work was published, +I found it had been seen in the office of the ministers, and D'Escherny, +of Neuchatel, spoke to me of the book, entitled 'Del' Homme de la +Monlagne', which D'Holbach had told him was by me. I assured him, and it +was true, that I never had written a book which bore that title. When +the letters appeared he became furious, and accused me of falsehood; +although I had told him truth. By this means I was certain my manuscript +had been read; as I could not doubt the fidelity of Rey, the most +rational conjecture seemed to be, that my packets had been opened at the +post-house. + +Another acquaintance I made much about the same time, but which was begun +by letters, was that with M. Laliand of Nimes, who wrote to me from +Paris, begging I would send him my profile; he said he was in want of it +for my bust in marble, which Le Moine was making for him to be placed in +his library. If this was a pretence invented to deceive me, it fully +succeeded. I imagined that a man who wished to have my bust in marble in +his library had his head full of my works, consequently of my principles, +and that he loved me because his mind was in unison with mine. It was +natural this idea should seduce me. I have since seen M. Laliand. I +found him very ready to render me many trifling services, and to concern +himself in my little affairs, but I have my doubts of his having, in the +few books he ever read, fallen upon any one of those I have written. I +do not know that he has a library, or that such a thing is of any use to +him; and for the bust he has a bad figure in plaster, by Le Moine, from +which has been engraved a hideous portrait that bears my name, as if it +bore to me some resemblance. + +The only Frenchman who seemed to come to see me, on account of my +sentiments, and his taste for my works, was a young officer of the +regiment of Limousin, named Seguier de St. Brisson. He made a figure in +Paris, where he still perhaps distinguishes himself by his pleasing +talents and wit. He came once to Montmorency, the winter which preceded +my catastrophe. I was pleased with his vivacity. He afterwards wrote to +me at Motiers, and whether he wished to flatter me, or that his head was +turned with Emilius, he informed me he was about to quit the service to +live independently, and had begun to learn the trade of a carpenter. He +had an elder brother, a captain in the same regiment, the favorite of the +mother, who, a devotee to excess, and directed by I know not what +hypocrite, did not treat the youngest son well, accusing him of +irreligion, and what was still worse, of the unpardonable crime of being +connected with me. These were the grievances, on account of which he was +determined to break with his mother, and adopt the manner of life of +which I have just spoken, all to play the part of the young Emilius. +Alarmed at his petulance, I immediately wrote to him, endeavoring to make +him change his resolution, and my exhortations were as strong as I could +make them. They had their effect. He returned to his duty, to his +mother, and took back the resignation he had given the colonel, who had +been prudent enough to make no use of it, that the young man might have +time to reflect upon what he had done. St. Brisson, cured of these +follies, was guilty of another less alarming, but, to me, not less +disagreeable than the rest: he became an author. He successively +published two or three pamphlets which announced a man not devoid of +talents, but I have not to reproach myself with having encouraged him by +my praises to continue to write. + +Some time afterwards he came to see me, and we made together a pilgrimage +to the island of St. Pierre. During this journey I found him different +from what I saw of him at Montmorency. He had, in his manner, something +affected, which at first did not much disgust me, although I have since +thought of it to his disadvantage. He once visited me at the hotel de +St. Simon, as I passed through Paris on my way to England. I learned +there what he had not told me, that he lived in the great world, and +often visited Madam de Luxembourg. Whilst I was at Trie, I never heard +from him, nor did he so much as make inquiry after me, by means of his +relation Mademoiselle Seguier, my neighbor. This lady never seemed +favorably disposed towards me. In a word, the infatuation of M. de St. +Brisson ended suddenly, like the connection of M. de Feins: but this man +owed me nothing, and the former was under obligations to me, unless the +follies I prevented him from committing were nothing more than +affectation; which might very possibly be the case. + +I had visits from Geneva also. The Delucs, father and son, successively +chose me for their attendant in sickness. The father was taken ill on +the road, the son was already sick when he left Geneva; they both came to +my house. Ministers, relations, hypocrites, and persons of every +description came from Geneva and Switzerland, not like those from France, +to laugh at and admire me, but to rebuke and catechise me. The only +person amongst them, who gave me pleasure, was Moultou, who passed with +me three or four days, and whom I wished to remain much longer; the most +persevering of all, the most obstinate, and who conquered me by +importunity, was a M. d'Ivernois, a merchant at Geneva, a French refugee, +and related to the attorney-general of Neuchatel. This man came from +Geneva to Motiers twice a year, on purpose to see me, remained with me +several days together from morning to night, accompanied me in my walks, +brought me a thousand little presents, insinuated himself in spite of me +into my confidence, and intermeddled in all my affairs, notwithstanding +there was not between him and myself the least similarity of ideas, +inclination, sentiment, or knowledge. I do not believe he ever read a +book of any kind throughout, or that he knows upon what subject mine are +written. When I began to herbalize, he followed me in my botanical +rambles, without taste for that amusement, or having anything to say to +me or I to him. He had the patience to pass with me three days in a +public house at Goumoins, whence, by wearying him and making him feel how +much he wearied me, I was in hopes of driving him away. I could not, +however, shake his incredible perseverance, nor by any means discover the +motive of it. + +Amongst these connections, made and continued by force, I must not omit +the only one that was agreeable to me, and in which my heart was really +interested: this was that I had with a young Hungarian who came to live +at Neuchatel, and from that place to Motiers, a few months after I had +taken up my residence there. He was called by the people of the country +the Baron de Sauttern, by which name he had been recommended from Zurich. +He was tall, well made, had an agreeable countenance, and mild and social +qualities. He told everybody, and gave me also to understand that he +came to Neuchatel for no other purpose, than that of forming his youth to +virtue, by his intercourse with me. His physiognomy, manner, and +behavior, seemed well suited to his conversation, and I should have +thought I failed in one of the greatest duties had I turned my back upon +a young man in whom I perceived nothing but what was amiable, and who +sought my acquaintance from so respectable a motive. My heart knows not +how to connect itself by halves. He soon acquired my friendship, and all +my confidence, and we were presently inseparable. He accompanied me in +all my walks, and become fond of them. I took him to the marechal, who +received him with the utmost kindness. As he was yet unable to explain +himself in French, he spoke and wrote to me in Latin, I answered in +French, and this mingling of the two languages did not make our +conversations either less smooth or lively. He spoke of his family, his +affairs, his adventures, and of the court of Vienna, with the domestic +details of which he seemed well acquainted. In fine, during two years +which we passed in the greatest intimacy, I found in him a mildness of +character proof against everything, manners not only polite but elegant, +great neatness of person, an extreme decency in his conversation, in a +word, all the marks of a man born and educated a gentleman, and which +rendered him in my eyes too estimable not to make him dear to me. + +At the time we were upon the most intimate and friendly terms, +D' Ivernois wrote to me from Geneva, putting me upon my guard against the +young Hungarian who had taken up his residence in my neighborhood; +telling me he was a spy whom the minister of France had appointed to +watch my proceedings. This information was of a nature to alarm me the +more, as everybody advised me to guard against the machinations of +persons who were employed to keep an eye upon my actions, and to entice +me into France for the purpose of betraying me. To shut the mouths, once +for all, of these foolish advisers, I proposed to Sauttern, without +giving him the least intimation of the information I had received, +a journey on foot to Pontarlier, to which he consented. As soon as we +arrived there I put the letter from D'Ivernois into his hands, and after +giving him an ardent embrace, I said: "Sauttern has no need of a proof of +my confidence in him, but it is necessary I should prove to the public +that I know in whom to place it." This embrace was accompanied with a +pleasure which persecutors can neither feel themselves, nor take away +from the oppressed. + +I will never believe Sauttern was a spy, nor that he betrayed me: but I +was deceived by him. When I opened to him my heart without reserve, he +constantly kept his own shut, and abused me by lies. He invented I know +not what kind of story, to prove to me his presence was necessary in his +own country. I exhorted him to return to it as soon as possible. He +setoff, and when I thought he was in Hungary, I learned he was at +Strasbourgh. This was not the first time he had been there. He had +caused some disorder in a family in that city; and the husband knowing I +received him in my house, wrote to me. I used every effort to bring the +young woman back to the paths of virtue, and Sauttern to his duty. + +When I thought they were perfectly detached from each other, they renewed +their acquaintance, and the husband had the complaisance to receive the +young man at his house; from that moment I had nothing more to say. +I found the pretended baron had imposed upon me by a great number of +lies. His name was not Sauttern, but Sauttersheim. With respect to the +title of baron, given him in Switzerland, I could not reproach him with +the impropriety, because he had never taken it; but I have not a doubt of +his being a gentleman, and the marshal, who knew mankind, and had been in +Hungary, always considered and treated him as such. + +He had no sooner left my neighborhood, than the girl at the inn where he +eat, at Motiers, declared herself with child by him. She was so dirty a +creature, and Sauttern, generally esteemed in the country for his conduct +and purity of morals, piqued himself so much upon cleanliness, that +everybody was shocked at this impudent pretension. The most amiable +women of the country, who had vainly displayed to him their charms, were +furious: I myself was almost choked with indignation. I used every +effort to get the tongue of this impudent woman stopped, offering to pay +all expenses, and to give security for Sauttersheim. I wrote to him in +the fullest persuasion, not only that this pregnancy could not relate to +him, but that it was feigned, and the whole a machination of his enemies +and mine. I wished him to return and confound the strumpet, and those by +whom she was dictated to. The pusillanimity of his answer surprised me. +He wrote to the master of the parish to which the creature belonged, and +endeavored to stifle the matter. Perceiving this, I concerned myself no +more about it, but I was astonished that a man who could stoop so low +should have been sufficiently master of himself to deceive me by his +reserve in the closest familiarity. + +From Strasbourgh, Sauttersheim went to seek his fortune in Paris, and +found there nothing but misery. He wrote to me acknowledging his error. +My compassion was excited by the recollection of our former friendship, +and I sent him a sum of money. The year following, as I passed through +Paris, I saw him much in the same situation; but he was the intimate +friend of M. de Laliand, and I could not learn by what means he had +formed this acquaintance, or whether it was recent or of long standing. +Two years afterwards Sauttersheim returned to Strasbourgh, whence he +wrote to me and where he died. This, in a few words, is the history of +our connection, and what I know of his adventures; but while I mourn the +fate of the unhappy young man, I still, and ever shall, believe he was +the son of people of distinction, and the impropriety of his conduct was +the effect of the situations to which he was reduced. + +Such were the connections and acquaintance I acquired at Motiers. How +many of these would have been necessary to compensate the cruel losses I +suffered at the same time. + +The first of these was that of M. de Luxembourg, who, after having been +long tormented by the physicians, at length became their victim, by being +treated for the gout which they would not acknowledge him to have, as for +a disorder they thought they could cure. + +According to what La Roche, the confidential servant of Madam de +Luxembourg, wrote to me relative to what had happened, it is by this +cruel and memorable example that the miseries of greatness are to be +deplored. + +The loss of this good nobleman afflicted me the more, as he was the only +real friend I had in France, and the mildness of his character was such +as to make me quite forget his rank, and attach myself to him as his +equal. Our connection was not broken off on account of my having quitted +the kingdom; he continued to write to me as usual. + +I nevertheless thought I perceived that absence, or my misfortune, had +cooled his affection for me. It is difficult to a courtier to preserve +the same attachment to a person whom he knows to be in disgrace with +courts. I moreover suspected the great ascendancy Madam de Luxembourg +had over his mind, had been unfavorable to me, and that she had taken +advantage of our separation to injure me in his esteem. For her part, +notwithstanding a few affected marks of regard, which daily became less +frequent, she less concealed the change in her friendship. She wrote to +me four or five times into Switzerland, after which she never wrote to me +again, and nothing but my prejudice, confidence and blindness, could have +prevented my discovering in her something more than a coolness towards +me. + +Guy the bookseller, partner with Duchesne, who, after I had left +Montmorency, frequently went to the hotel de Luxembourg, wrote to me that +my name was in the will of the marechal. There was nothing in this +either incredible or extraordinary, on which account I had no doubt of +the truth of the information. I deliberated within myself whether or not +I should receive the legacy. Everything well considered, I determined to +accept it, whatever it might be, and to do that honor to the memory of an +honest man, who, in a rank in which friendship is seldom found, had had a +real one for me. I had not this duty to fulfill. I heard no more of the +legacy, whether it were true or false; and in truth I should have felt +some pain in offending against one of the great maxims of my system of +morality, in profiting by anything at the death of a person whom I had +once held dear. During the last illness of our friend Mussard, Leneips +proposed to me to take advantage of the grateful sense he expressed for +our cares, to insinuate to him dispositions in our favor. "Ah! my dear +Leneips," said I, "let us not pollute by interested ideas the sad but +sacred duties we discharge towards our dying friend. I hope my name will +never be found in the testament of any person, at least not in that of a +friend." It was about this time that my lord marshal spoke to me of his, +of what he intended to do in it for me, and that I made him the answer of +which I have spoken in the first part of my memoirs. + +My second loss, still more afflicting and irreparable, was that of the +best of women and mothers, who, already weighed down with years, and +overburthened with infirmities and misery, quitted this vale of tears for +the abode of the blessed, where the amiable remembrance of the good we +have done here below is the eternal reward of our benevolence. Go, +gentle and beneficent shade, to those of Fenelon, Berneg, Catinat, and +others, who in a more humble state have, like them, opened their hearts +to pure charity; go and taste of the fruit of your own benevolence, and +prepare for your son the place he hopes to fill by your side. Happy in +your misfortunes that Heaven, in putting to them a period, has spared you +the cruel spectacle of his! Fearing, lest I should fill her heart with +sorrow by the recital of my first disasters, I had not written to her +since my arrival in Switzerland; but I wrote to M. de Conzie, to inquire +after her situation, and it was from him I learned she had ceased to +alleviate the sufferings of the afflicted, and that her own were at an +end. I myself shall not suffer long; but if I thought I should not see +her again in the life to come, my feeble imagination would less delight +in the idea of the perfect happiness I there hope to enjoy. + +My third and last loss, for since that time I have not had a friend to +lose, was that of the lord marshal. He did not die but tired of serving +the ungratful, he left Neuchatel, and I have never seen him since. +He still lives, and will, I hope, survive me: he is alive, and thanks to +him all my attachments on earth are not destroyed. There is one man +still worthy of my friendship; for the real value of this consists more +in what we feel than in that which we inspire; but I have lost the +pleasure I enjoyed in his, and can rank him in the number of those only +whom I love, but with whom I am no longer connected. He went to England +to receive the pardon of the king, and acquired the possession of the +property which formerly had been confiscated. We did not separate +without an intention of again being united, the idea of which seemed to +give him as much pleasure as I received from it. He determined to reside +at Keith Hall, near Aberdeen, and I was to join him as soon as he was +settled there: but this project was too flattering to my hopes to give me +any of its success. He did not remain in Scotland. The affectionate +solicitations of the King of Prussia induced him to return to Berlin, +and the reason of my not going to him there will presently appear. + +Before this departure, foreseeing the storm which my enemies began to +raise against me, he of his own accord sent me letters of naturalization, +which seemed to be a certain means of preventing me from being driven +from the country. The community of the Convent of Val de Travers +followed the example of the governor, and gave me letters of Communion, +gratis, as they were the first. Thus, in every respect, become a +citizen, I was sheltered from legal expulsion, even by the prince; but it +has never been by legitimate means, that the man who, of all others, has +shown the greatest respect for the laws, has been persecuted. I do not +think I ought to enumerate, amongst the number of my losses at this time, +that of the Abbe Malby. Having lived sometime at the house of his +mother, I have been acquainted with the abbe, but not very intimately, +and I have reason to believe the nature of his sentiments with respect to +me changed after I acquired a greater celebrity than he already had. But +the first time I discovered his insincerity was immediately after the +publication of the 'Letters from the Mountain'. A letter attributed to +him, addressed to Madam Saladin, was handed about in Geneva, in which he +spoke of this work as the seditious clamors of a furious demagogue. + +The esteem I had for the Abbe Malby, and my great opinion of his +understanding, did not permit me to believe this extravagant letter was +written by him. I acted in this business with my usual candor. I sent +him a copy of the letter, informing him he was said to be the author of +it. He returned me no answer. This silence astonished me: but what was +my surprise when by a letter I received from Madam de Chenonceaux, +I learned the Abbe was really the author of that which was attributed to +him, and found himself greatly embarrassed by mine. For even supposing +for a moment that what he stated was true, how could he justify so public +an attack, wantonly made, without obligation or necessity, for the sole +purpose of overwhelming in the midst of his greatest misfortunes, a man +to whom he had shown himself a well-wisher, and who had not done anything +that could excite his enmity? In a short time afterwards the 'Dialogues +of Phocion', in which I perceived nothing but a compilation, without +shame or restraint, from my writings, made their appearance. + +In reading this book I perceived the author had not the least regard for +me, and that in future I must number him among my most bitter enemies. +I do not believe he has ever pardoned me for the Social Contract, far +superior to his abilities, or the Perpetual Peace; and I am, besides, of +opinion that the desire he expressed that I should make an extract from +the Abby de St. Pierre, proceeded from a supposition in him that I should +not acquit myself of it so well. + +The further I advance in my narrative, the less order I feel myself +capable of observing. The agitation of the rest of my life has deranged +in my ideas the succession of events. These are too numerous, confused, +and disagreeable to be recited in due order. The only strong impression +they have left upon my mind is that of the horrid mystery by which the +cause of them is concealed, and of the deplorable state to which they +have reduced me. My narrative will in future be irregular, and according +to the events which, without order, may occur to my recollection. +I remember about the time to which I refer, full of the idea of my +confessions, I very imprudently spoke of them to everybody, never +imagining it could be the wish or interest, much less within the power +of any person whatsoever, to throw an obstacle in the way of this +undertaking, and had I suspected it, even this would not have rendered +me more discreet, as from the nature of my disposition it is totally +impossible for me to conceal either my thoughts or feelings. The +knowledge of this enterprise was, as far as I can judge, the cause of the +storm that was raised to drive me from Switzerland, and deliver me into +the hands of those by whom I might be prevented from executing it. + +I had another project in contemplation which was not looked upon with a +more favorable eye by those who were afraid of the first: this was a +general edition of my works. I thought this edition of them necessary to +ascertain what books, amongst those to which my name was affixed, were +really written by me, and to furnish the public with the means of +distinguishing them from the writings falsely attributed to me by my +enemies, to bring me to dishonor and contempt. This was besides a simple +and an honorable means of insuring to myself a livelihood, and the only +one that remained to me. As I had renounced the profession of an author, +my memoirs not being of a nature to appear during my lifetime; as I no +longer gained a farthing in any manner whatsoever, and constantly lived +at a certain expense, I saw the end of my resources in that of the +produce of the last things I had written. This reason had induced me to +hasten the finishing of my Dictionary of Music, which still was +incomplete. I had received for it a hundred louis(guineas) and a life +annuity of three hundred livres; but a hundred louis could not last long +in the hands of a man who annually expended upwards of sixty, and three- +hundred livres (twelve guineas) a year was but a trifling sum to one upon +whom parasites and beggarly visitors lighted like a swarm of flies. + +A company of merchants from Neuchatel came to undertake the general +edition, and a printer or bookseller of the name of Reguillat, from +Lyons, thrust himself, I know not by what means, amongst them to direct +it. The agreement was made upon reasonable terms, and sufficient to +accomplish my object. I had in print and manuscript, matter for six +volumes in quarto. I moreover agreed to give my assistance in bringing +out the edition. The merchants were, on their part, to pay me a thousand +crowns (one hundred and twenty-five pounds) down, and to assign me an +annuity of sixteen hundred livres (sixty-six pounds) for life. + +The agreement was concluded but not signed, when the Letters from the +Mountain appeared. The terrible explosion caused by this infernal work, +and its abominable author, terrified the company, and the undertaking was +at an end. + +I would compare the effect of this last production to that of the Letter +on French Music, had not that letter, while it brought upon me hatred, +and exposed me to danger, acquired me respect and esteem. But after the +appearance of the last work, it was a matter of astonishment at Geneva +and Versailles that such a monster as the author of it should be suffered +to exist. The little council, excited by Resident de France, and +directed by the attorney-general, made a declaration against my work, +by which, in the most severe terms, it was declared to be unworthy of +being burned by the hands of the hangman, adding, with an address which +bordered upon the burlesque, there was no possibility of speaking of or +answering it without dishonor. I would here transcribe the curious. +piece of composition, but unfortunately I have it not by me. I ardently +wish some of my readers, animated by the zeal of truth and equity, would +read over the Letters from the Mountain: they will, I dare hope, feel the +stoical moderation which reigns throughout the whole, after all the cruel +outrages with which the author was loaded. But unable to answer the +abuse, because no part of it could be called by that name nor to the +reasons because these were unanswerable, my enemies pretended to appear +too much enraged to reply: and it is true, if they took the invincible +arguments it contains, for abuse, they must have felt themselves roughly +treated. + +The remonstrating party, far from complaining of the odious declaration, +acted according to the spirit of it, and instead of making a trophy of +the Letters from the Mountain, which they veiled to make them serve as a +shield, were pusillanimous enough not to do justice or honor to that +work, written to defend them, and at their own solicitation. They did +not either quote or mention the letters, although they tacitly drew from +them all their arguments, and by exactly following the advice with which +they conclude, made them the sole cause of their safety and triumph. +They had imposed on me this duty: I had fulfilled it, and unto the end +had served their cause and the country. I begged of them to abandon me, +and in their quarrels to think of nobody but themselves. They took me at +my word, and I concerned myself no more about their affairs, further than +constantly to exhort them to peace, not doubting, should they continue to +be obstinate, of their being crushed by France; this however did not +happen; I know the reason why it did not, but this is not the place to +explain what I mean. + +The effect produced at Neuchatel by the Letters from the Mountain was at +first very mild. I sent a copy of them to M. de Montmollin, who received +it favorably, and read it without making any objection. He was ill as +well as myself; as soon as he recovered he came in a friendly manner to +see me, and conversed on general subjects. A rumor was however begun; +the book was burned I know not where. From Geneva, Berne, and perhaps +from Versailles, the effervescence quickly passed to Neuchatel, and +especially to Val de Travers, where, before even the ministers had taken +any apparent Steps, an attempt was secretly made to stir up the people, +I ought, I dare assert, to have been beloved by the people of that +country in which I have lived, giving alms in abundance, not leaving +about me an indigent person without assistance, never refusing to do any +service in my power, and which was consistent with justice, making myself +perhaps too familiar with everybody, and avoiding, as far as it was +possible for me to do it, all distinction which might excite the least +jealousy. This, however, did not prevent the populace, secretly stirred +up against me, by I know not whom, from being by degrees irritated +against me, even to fury, nor from publicly insulting me, not only in the +country and upon the road, but in the street. Those to whom I had +rendered the greatest services became most irritated against me, and even +people who still continued to receive my benefactions, not daring to +appear, excited others, and seemed to wish thus to be revenged of me for +their humiliation, by the obligations they were under for the favors I +had conferred upon them. Montmollin seemed to pay no attention to what +was passing, and did not yet come forward. But as the time of communion +approached, he came to advise me not to present myself at the holy table, +assuring me, however, he was not my enemy, and that he would leave me +undisturbed. I found this compliment whimsical enough; it brought to my +recollection the letter from Madam de Boufflers, and I could not conceive +to whom it could be a matter of such importance whether I communicated or +not. Considering this condescension on my part as an act of cowardice, +and moreover, being unwilling to give to the people a new pretext under +which they might charge me with impiety, I refused the request of the +minister, and he went away dissatisfied, giving me to understand I should +repent of my obstinacy. + +He could not of his own authority forbid me the communion: that of the +Consistory, by which I had been admitted to it, was necessary, and as +long as there was no objection from that body I might present myself +without the fear of being refused. Montmollin procured from the Classe +(the ministers) a commission to summon me to the Consistory, there to +give an account of the articles of my faith, and to excommunicate me +should I refuse to comply. This excommunication could not be pronounced +without the aid of the Consistory also, and a majority of the voices. +But the peasants, who under the appellation of elders, composed this +assembly, presided over and governed by their minister, might naturally +be expected to adopt his opinion, especially in matters of the clergy, +which they still less understood than he did. I was therefore summoned, +and I resolved to appear. + +What a happy circumstance and triumph would this have been to me could I +have spoken, and had I, if I may so speak, had my pen in my mouth! With +what superiority, with what facility even, should I have overthrown this +poor minister in the midst of his six peasants! The thirst after power +having made the Protestant clergy forget all the principles of the +reformation, all I had to do to recall these to their recollection and to +reduce them to silence, was to make comments upon my first 'Letters from +the Mountain', upon which they had the folly to animadvert. + +My text was ready, and I had only to enlarge on it, and my adversary was +confounded. I should not have been weak enough to remain on the +defensive; it was easy to me to become an assailant without his even +perceiving it, or being able to shelter himself from my attack. The +contemptible priests of the Classe, equally careless and ignorant, had of +themselves placed me in the most favorable situation I could desire to +crush them at pleasure. But what of this? It was necessary I should +speak without hesitation, and find ideas, turn of expression, and words +at will, preserving a presence of mind, and keeping myself collected, +without once suffering even a momentary confusion. For what could I +hope, feeling as I did, my want of aptitude to express myself with ease? +I had been reduced to the most mortifying silence at Geneva, before an +assembly which was favorable to me, and previously resolved to approve of +everything I should say. Here, on the contrary, I had to do with a +cavalier who, substituting cunning to knowledge, would spread for me a +hundred snares before I could perceive one of them, and was resolutely +determined to catch me in an error let the consequence be what it would. +The more I examined the situation in which I stood, the greater danger I +perceived myself exposed to, and feeling the impossibility of +successfully withdrawing from it, I thought of another expedient. +I meditated a discourse which I intended to pronounce before the +Consistory, to exempt myself from the necessity of answering. The thing +was easy. I wrote the discourse and began to learn it by memory, with an +inconceivable ardor. Theresa laughed at hearing me mutter and +incessantly repeat the same phrases, while endeavoring to cram them into +my head. I hoped, at length, to remember what I had written: I knew the +chatelain as an officer attached to the service of the prince, would be +present at the Consistory, and that notwithstanding the manoeuvres and +bottles of Montmollin, most of the elders were well disposed towards me. +I had, moreover, in my favor, reason, truth, and justice, with the +protection of the king, the authority of the council of state, and the +good wishes of every real patriot, to whom the establishment of this +inquisition was threatening. In fine, everything contributed to +encourage me. + +On the eve of the day appointed, I had my discourse by rote, and recited +it without missing a word. I had it in my head all night: in the morning +I had forgotten it. I hesitated at every word, thought myself before the +assembly, became confused, stammered, and lost my presence of mind. In +fine, when the time to make my appearance was almost at hand, my courage +totally failed me. I remained at home and wrote to the Consistory, +hastily stating my reasons, and pleaded my disorder, which really, in the +state to which apprehension had reduced me, would scarcely have permitted +me to stay out the whole sitting. + +The minister, embarrassed by my letter, adjourned the Consistory. In the +interval, he of himself, and by his creatures, made a thousand efforts to +seduce the elders, who, following the dictates of their consciences, +rather than those they received from him, did not vote according to his +wishes, or those of the class. Whatever power his arguments drawn from +his cellar might have over this kind of people, he could not gain one of +them, more than the two or three who were already devoted to his will, +and who were called his 'ames damnees'.--[damned souls]-- The officer of +the prince, and the Colonel Pury, who, in this affair, acted with great +zeal, kept the rest to their duty, and when Montmollin wished to proceed +to excommunication, his Consistory, by a majority of voices, flatly +refused to authorize him to do it. Thus reduced to the last expedient, +that of stirring up the people against me, he, his colleagues, and other +persons, set about it openly, and were so successful, that not- +withstanding the strong and frequent rescripts of the king, and the +orders of the council of state, I was at length obliged to quit the +country, that I might not expose the officer of the king to be himself +assassinated while he protected me. + +The recollection of the whole of this affair is so confused, that it is +impossible for me to reduce to or connect the circumstances of it. +I remember a kind of negotiation had been entered into with the class, +in which Montmollin was the mediator. He feigned to believe it was +feared I should, by my writings, disturb the peace of the country, in +which case, the liberty I had of writing would be blamed. He had given +me to understand that if I consented to lay down my pen, what was past +would be forgotten. I had already entered into this engagement with +myself, and did not hesitate in doing it with the class, but +conditionally and solely in matters of religion. He found means to have +a duplicate of the agreement upon some change necessary to be made in it. +The condition having been rejected by the class; I demanded back the +writing, which was returned to me, but he kept the duplicate, pretending +it was lost. After this, the people, openly excited by the ministers, +laughed at the rescripts of the king, and the orders of the council of +state, and shook off all restraint. I was declaimed against from the +pulpit, called antichrist, and pursued in the country like a mad wolf. +My Armenian dress discovered me to the populace; of this I felt the cruel +inconvenience, but to quit it in such circumstances, appeared to me an +act of cowardice. I could not prevail upon myself to do it, and I +quietly walked through the country with my caffetan and fur bonnet in the +midst of the hootings of the dregs of the people, and sometimes through a +shower of stones. Several times as I passed before houses, I heard those +by whom they were inhabited call out: "Bring me my gun that I may fire at +him." As I did not on this account hasten my pace, my calmness increased +their fury, but they never went further than threats, at least with +respect to firearms. + +During the fermentation I received from two circumstances the most +sensible pleasure. The first was my having it in my power to prove my +gratitude by means of the lord marshal. The honest part of the +inhabitants of Neuchatel, full of indignation at the treatment I +received, and the manoeuvres of which I was the victim, held the +ministers in execration, clearly perceiving they were obedient to a +foreign impulse, and the vile agents of people, who, in making them act, +kept themselves concealed; they were moreover afraid my case would have +dangerous consequences, and be made a precedent for the purpose of +establishing a real inquisition. + +The magistrates, and especially M. Meuron, who had succeeded +M. d' Ivernois in the office of attorney-general, made every effort to +defend me. Colonel Pury, although a private individual, did more and +succeeded better. It was the colonel who found means to make Montmollin +submit in his Consistory, by keeping the elders to their duty. He had +credit, and employed it to stop the sedition; but he had nothing more +than the authority of the laws, and the aid of justice and reason, to +oppose to that of money and wine: the combat was unequal, and in this +point Montmollin was triumphant. However, thankful for his zeal and +cares, I wished to have it in my power to make him a return of good +offices, and in some measure discharge a part of the obligations I was +under to him. I knew he was very desirous of being named a counsellor of +state; but having displeased the court by his conduct in the affair of +the minister Petitpierre, he was in disgrace with the prince and +governor. I however undertook, at all risks, to write to the lord +marshal in his favor: I went so far as even to mention the employment of +which he was desirous, and my application was so well received that, +contrary to the expectations of his most ardent well wishers, it was +almost instantly conferred upon him by the king. In this manner fate, +which has constantly raised me to too great an elevation, or plunged me +into an abyss of adversity, continued to toss me from one extreme to +another, and whilst the populace covered me with mud I was able to make a +counsellor of state. + +The other pleasing circumstance was a visit I received from Madam de +Verdelin with her daughter, with whom she had been at the baths of +Bourbonne, whence they came to Motiers and stayed with me two or three +days. By her attention and cares, she at length conquered my long +repugnancy; and my heart, won by her endearing manner, made her a return +of all the friendship of which she had long given me proofs. This +journey made me extremely sensible of her kindness: my situation rendered +the consolations of friendship highly necessary to support me under my +sufferings. I was afraid she would be too much affected by the insults +I received from the populace, and could have wished to conceal them from +her that her feelings might not be hurt, but this was impossible; and +although her presence was some check upon the insolent populace in our +walks, she saw enough of their brutality to enable her to judge of what +passed when I was alone. During the short residence she made at Motiers, +I was still attacked in my habitation. One morning her chambermaid found +my window blocked up with stones, which had been thrown at it during the +night. A very heavy bench placed in the street by the side of the house, +and strongly fastened down, was taken up and reared against the door in +such a manner as, had it not been perceived from the window, to have +knocked down the first person who should have opened the door to go out. +Madam de Verdelin was acquainted with everything that passed; for, +besides what she herself was witness to, her confidential servant went +into many houses in the village, spoke to everybody, and was seen in +conversation with Montmollin. She did not, however, seem to pay the +least attention to that which happened to me, nor never mentioned +Montmollin nor any other person, and answered in a few words to what I +said to her of him. Persuaded that a residence in England would be more +agreeable to me than any other, she frequently spoke of Mr. Hume who was +then at Paris, of his friendship for me, and the desire he had of being +of service to me in his own country. It is time I should say something +of Hume. + +He had acquired a great reputation in France amongst the Encyclopedists +by his essays on commerce and politics, and in the last place by his +history of the House of Stuart, the only one of his writings of which I +had read a part, in the translation of the Abbe Prevot. For want of +being acquainted with his other works, I was persuaded, according to what +I heard of him, that Mr. Hume joined a very republican mind to the +English Paradoxes in favor of luxury. In this opinion I considered his +whole apology of Charles I. as a prodigy of impartiality, and I had as +great an idea of his virtue as of his genius. The desire of being +acquainted with this great man, and of obtaining his friendship, had +greatly strengthened the inclination I felt to go to England, induced by +the solicitations of Madam de Boufflers, the intimate friend of Hume. +After my arrival in Switzerland, I received from him, by means of this +lady, a letter extremely flattering; in which, to the highest encomiums +on my genius, he subjoined a pressing invitation to induce me to go to +England, and the offer of all his interest, and that of his friends, to +make my residence there agreeable. I found in the country to which I had +retired, the lord marshal, the countryman and friend of Hume, who +confirmed my good opinion of him, and from whom I learned a literary +anecdote, which did him great honor in the opinion of his lordship and +had the same effect in mine. Wallace, who had written against Hume upon +the subject of the population of the ancients, was absent whilst his work +was in the press. Hume took upon himself to examine the proofs, and to +do the needful to the edition. This manner of acting was according to my +way of thinking. I had sold at six sous (three pence) a piece, the +copies of a song written against myself. I was, therefore, strongly +prejudiced in favor of Hume, when Madam de Verdelin came and mentioned +the lively friendship he expressed for me, and his anxiety to do me the +honors of England; such was her expression. She pressed me a good deal +to take advantage of this zeal and to write to him. As I had not +naturally an inclination to England, and did not intend to go there until +the last extremity, I refused to write or make any promise; but I left +her at liberty to do whatever she should think necessary to keep Mr. Hume +favorably disposed towards me. When she went from Motiers, she left me +in the persuasion, by everything she had said to me of that illustrious +man, that he was my friend, and she herself still more his. + +After her departure, Montmollin carried on his manoeuvres with more +vigor, and the populace threw off all restraint. Yet I still continued +to walk quietly amidst the hootings of the vulgar; and a taste for +botany, which I had begun to contract with Doctor d'Ivernois, making my +rambling more amusing, I went through the country herbalising, without +being affected by the clamors of this scum of the earth, whose fury was +still augmented by my calmness. What affected me most was, seeing +families of my friends, + + [This fatality had begun with my residence at, Yverdon; the banneret + Roguin dying a year or two after my departure from that city, the + old papa Roguin had the candor to inform me with grief, as he said, + that in he papers of his relation, proofs had been found of his + having been concerned in the conspiracy to expel me from Yverdon and + the state of Berne. This clearly proved the conspiracy not to be, + as some people pretended to believe, an affair of hypocrisy since + the banneret, far from being a devotee, carried materialism and + incredulity to intolerance and fanaticism. Besides, nobody at + Yverdon had shown me more constant attention, nor had so prodigally + bestowed upon me praises and flattery as this banneret. He + faithfully followed the favorite plan of my persecutors.] + +or of persons who gave themselves that name, openly join the league of my +persecutors; such as the D'Ivernois, without excepting the father and +brother of my Isabel le Boy de la Tour, a relation to the friend in whose +house I lodged, and Madam Girardier, her sister-in-law. This Peter Boy +was such a brute; so stupid, and behaved so uncouthly, that, to prevent +my mind from being disturbed, I took the liberty to ridicule him; and +after the manner of the 'Petit Prophete', I wrote a pamphlet of a few +pages, entitled, 'la Vision de Pierre de la Montagne dit le Voyant, +--[The vision of Peter of the Mountain called the Seer.]--in which I +found means to be diverting enough on the miracles which then served as +the great pretext for my persecution. Du Peyrou had this scrap printed +at Geneva, but its success in the country was but moderate; the +Neuchatelois with all their wit, taste but weakly attic salt or +pleasantry when these are a little refined. + +In the midst of decrees and persecutions, the Genevese had distinguished +themselves by setting up a hue and cry with all their might; and my +friend Vernes amongst others, with an heroical generosity, chose that +moment precisely to publish against me letters in which he pretended to +prove I was not a Christian. These letters, written with an air of self- +sufficiency were not the better for it, although it was positively said +the celebrated Bonnet had given them some correction: for this man, +although a materialist, has an intolerant orthodoxy the moment I am in +question. There certainly was nothing in this work which could tempt me +to answer it; but having an opportunity of saying a few words upon it in +my 'Letters from the Mountain', I inserted in them a short note +sufficiently expressive of disdain to render Vernes furious. He filled +Geneva with his furious exclamations, and D'Ivernois wrote me word he had +quite lost his senses. Sometime afterwards appeared an anonymous sheet, +which instead of ink seemed to be written with water of Phelethon. In +this letter I was accused of having exposed my children in the streets, +of taking about with me a soldier's trull, of being worn out with +debaucheries,....., and other fine things of a like nature. It was not +difficult for me to discover the author. My first idea on reading this +libel, was to reduce to its real value everything the world calls fame +and reputation amongst men; seeing thus a man who was never in a brothel +in his life, and whose greatest defect was in being as timid and shy as a +virgin, treated as a frequenter of places of that description; and in +finding myself charged with being......, I, who not only never had the +least taint of such disorder, but, according to the faculty, was so +constructed as to make it almost impossible for me to contract it. +Everything well considered, I thought I could not better refute this +libel than by having it printed in the city in which I longest resided, +and with this intention I sent it to Duchesne to print it as it was with +an advertisement in which I named M. Vernes and a few short notes by way +of eclaircissement. Not satisfied with printing it only, I sent copies +to several persons, and amongst others one copy to the Prince Louis of +Wirtemberg, who had made me polite advances and with whom I was in +correspondence. The prince, Du Peyrou, and others, seemed to have their +doubts about the author of the libel, and blamed me for having named +Vernes upon so slight a foundation. Their remarks produced in me some +scruples, and I wrote to Duchesne to suppress the paper. Guy wrote to me +he had suppressed it: this may or may not be the case; I have been +deceived on so many occasions that there would be nothing extraordinary +in my being so on this, and from the time of which I speak, was so +enveloped in profound darkness that it was impossible for me to come at +any kind of truth. + +M. Vernes bore the imputation with a moderation more than astonishing in +a man who was supposed not to have deserved it, and after the fury with +which he was seized on former occasions. He wrote me two or three +letters in very guarded terms, with a view, as it appeared to me, +to endeavor by my answers to discover how far I was certain of his being +the author of the paper, and whether or not I had any proofs against him. +I wrote him two short answers, severe in the sense, but politely +expressed, and with which he was not displeased. To his third letter, +perceiving he wished to form with me a kind of correspondence, I returned +no answer, and he got D'Ivernois to speak to me. Madam Cramer wrote to +Du Peyrou, telling him she was certain the libel was not by Vernes. This +however, did not make me change my opinion. But as it was possible I +might be deceived, and as it is certain that if I were, I owed Vernes an +explicit reparation, I sent him word by D'Ivernois that I would make him +such a one as he should think proper, provided he would name to me the +real author of the libel, or at least prove that he himself was not so. +I went further: feeling that, after all, were he not culpable, I had no +right to call upon him for proofs of any kind, I stated in a memoir of +considerable length, the reasons whence I had inferred my conclusion, and +determined to submit them to the judgment of an arbitrator, against whom +Vernes could not except. But few people would guess the arbitrator of +whom I made choice. I declared at the end of the memoir, that if, after +having examined it, and made such inquiries as should seem necessary, the +council pronounced M. Vernes not to be the author of the libel, from that +moment I should be fully persuaded he was not, and would immediately go +and throw myself at his feet, and ask his pardon until I had obtained it. +I can say with the greatest truth that my ardent zeal for equity, the +uprightness and generosity of my heart, and my confidence in the love of +justice innate in every mind never appeared more fully and perceptible +than in this wise and interesting memoir, in which I took, without +hesitation, my most implacable enemies for arbitrators between a +calumniator and myself. I read to Du Peyrou what I had written: he +advised me to suppress it, and I did so. He wished me to wait for the +proofs Vernes promised, and I am still waiting for them: he thought it +best that I should in the meantime be silent, and I held my tongue, and +shall do so the rest of my life, censured as I am for having brought +against Vernes a heavy imputation, false and unsupportable by proof, +although I am still fully persuaded, nay, as convinced as I am of my +existence, that he is the author of the libel. My memoir is in the hands +of Du Peyrou. Should it ever be published my reasons will be found in +it, and the heart of Jean Jacques, with which my contemporaries would not +be acquainted, will I hope be known. + +I have now to proceed to my catastrophe at Motiers, and to my departure +from Val de Travers, after a residence of two years and a half, and an +eight months suffering with unshaken constancy of the most unworthy +treatment. It is impossible for me clearly to recollect the +circumstances of this disagreeable period, but a detail of them will be +found in a publication to that effect by Du Peyrou, of which I shall +hereafter have occasion to speak. + +After the departure of Madam de Verdelin the fermentation increased, and, +notwithstanding the reiterated rescripts of the king, the frequent orders +of the council of state, and the cares of the chatelain and magistrates +of the place, the people, seriously considering me as antichrist, and +perceiving all their clamors to be of no effect, seemed at length +determined to proceed to violence; stones were already thrown after me +in the roads, but I was however in general at too great a distance to +receive any harm from them. At last, in the night of the fair of +Motiers, which is in the beginning of September, I was attacked in my +habitation in such a manner as to endanger the lives of everybody in the +house. + +At midnight I heard a great noise in the gallery which ran along the back +part of the house. A shower of stones thrown against the window and the +door which opened to the gallery fell into it with so much noise and +violence, that my dog, which usually slept there, and had begun to bark, +ceased from fright, and ran into a corner gnawing and scratching the +planks to endeavor to make his escape. I immediately rose, and was +preparing to go from my chamber into the kitchen, when a stone thrown by +a vigorous arm crossed the latter, after having broken the window, forced +open the door of my chamber, and fell at my feet, so that had I been a +moment sooner upon the floor I should have had the stone against my +stomach. I judged the noise had been made to bring me to the door, and +the stone thrown to receive me as I went out. I ran into the kitchen, +where I found Theresa, who also had risen, and was tremblingly making her +way to me as fast as she could. We placed ourselves against the wall out +of the direction of the window to avoid the stones, and deliberate upon +what was best to be done; for going out to call assistance was the +certain means of getting ourselves knocked on the head. Fortunately the +maid-servant of an old man who lodged under me was waked by the noise, +and got up and ran to call the chatelain, whose house was next to mine. +He jumped from his bed, put on his robe de chambre, and instantly came to +me with the guard, which, on account of the fair, went the round that +night, and was just at hand. The chatelain was so alarmed at the sight +of the effects of what had happened that he turned pale and on seeing the +stones in the gallery, exclaimed, "Good God! here is a quarry!" On +examining below stairs, a door of a little court was found to have been +forced, and there was an appearance of an attempt having been made to get +into the house by the gallery. On inquiring the reason why the guard had +neither prevented nor perceived the disturbance, it came out that the +guards of Motiers had insisted upon doing duty that night, although it +was the turn of those of another village. + +The next day the chatelain sent his report to the council of state, which +two days afterwards sent an order to inquire into the affair, to promise +a reward and secrecy to those who should impeach such as were guilty, and +in the meantime to place, at the expense of the king, guards about my +house, and that of the chatelain, which joined to it. The day after the +disturbance, Colonel Pury, the Attorney-General Meuron, the Chatelain +Martinet, the Receiver Guyenet, the Treasurer d'Ivernois and his father, +in a word, every person of consequence in the country, came to see me, +and united their solicitations to persuade me to yield to the storm and +leave, at least for a time, a place in which I could no longer live in +safety nor with honor. I perceived that even the chatelain was +frightened at the fury of the people, and apprehending it might extend to +himself, would be glad to see me depart as soon as possible, that he +might no longer have the trouble of protecting me there, and be able to +quit the parish, which he did after my departure. I therefore yielded to +their solicitations, and this with but little pain, for the hatred of the +people so afflicted my heart that I was no longer able to support it. + +I had a choice of places to retire to. After Madam de Verdelin returned +to Paris, she had, in several letters, mentioned a Mr. Walpole, whom she +called my lord, who, having a strong desire to serve me, proposed to me +an asylum at one of his country houses, of the situation of which she +gave me the most agreeable description; entering, relative to lodging and +subsistence, into a detail which proved she and Lord Walpole had held +particular consultations upon the project. My lord marshal had always +advised me to go to England or Scotland, and in case of my determining +upon the latter, offered me there an asylum. But he offered me another +at Potsdam, near to his person, and which tempted me more than all the +rest. + +He had just communicated to me what the king had said to him about my +going there, which was a kind of invitation to me from that monarch, and +the Duchess of Saxe-Gotha depended so much upon my taking the journey +that she wrote to me desiring I should go to see her in my way to the +court of Prussia, and stay some time before I proceeded farther; but I +was so attached to Switzerland that I could not resolve to quit it so +long as it was possible for me to live there, and I seized this +opportunity to execute a project of which I had for several months +conceived the idea, and of which I have deferred speaking, that I might +not interrupt my narrative. + +This project consisted in going to reside in the island of St. Peter, +an estate belonging to the Hospital of Berne, in the middle of the lake +of Bienne. In a pedestrian pilgrimage I had made the preceding year with +Du Peyrou we had visited this isle, with which I was so much delighted +that I had since that time incessantly thought of the means of making it +my place of residence. The greatest obstacle to my wishes arose from the +property of the island being vested in the people of Berne, who three +years before had driven me from amongst them; and besides the +mortification of returning to live with people who had given me so +unfavorable a reception, I had reason to fear they would leave me no more +at peace in the island than they had done at Yverdon. I had consulted +the lord marshal upon the subject, who thinking as I did, that the people +of Berne would be glad to see me banished to the island, and to keep me +there as a hostage for the works I might be tempted to write, and sounded +their dispositions by means of M. Sturler, his old neighbor at Colombier. +M. Sturler addressed himself to the chiefs of the state, and, according +to their answer assured the marshal the Bernois, sorry for their past +behavior, wished to see me settled in the island of St. Peter, and to +leave me there at peace. As an additional precaution, before I +determined to reside there, I desired the Colonel Chaillet to make new +inquiries. He confirmed what I had already heard, and the receiver of +the island having obtained from his superiors permission to lodge me in +it, I thought I might without danger go to the house, with the tactic +consent of the sovereign and the proprietors; for I could not expect the +people of Berne would openly acknowledge the injustice they had done me, +and thus act contrary to the most inviolable maxim of all sovereigns. + +The island of St. Peter, called at Neuchatel the island of La Motte, in +the middle of the lake of Bienne, is half a league in, circumference; but +in this little space all the chief productions necessary to subsistence +are found. The island has fields, meadows, orchards, woods, and +vineyards, and all these, favored by variegated and mountainous +situations, form a distribution of the more agreeable, as the parts, not +being discovered all at once, are seen successively to advantage, and +make the island appear greater than it really is. A very elevated +terrace forms the western part of it, and commands Gleresse and +Neuverville. This terrace is planted with trees which form a long alley, +interrupted in the middle by a great saloon, in which, during the +vintage, the people from the neighboring shores assemble and divert +themselves. There is but one house in the whole island, but that is very +spacious and convenient, inhabited by the receiver, and situated in a +hollow by which it is sheltered from the winds. + +Five or six hundred paces to the south of the island of St. Peter is +another island, considerably less than the former, wild and uncultivated, +which appears to have been detached from the greater island by storms: +its gravelly soil produces nothing but willows and persicaria, but there +is in it a high hill well covered with greensward and very pleasant. The +form of the lake is an almost regular oval. The banks, less rich than +those of the lake of Geneva and Neuchatel, form a beautiful decoration, +especially towards the western part, which is well peopled, and edged +with vineyards at the foot, of a chain of mountains, something like those +of Cote-Rotie, but which produce not such excellent wine. The bailiwick +of St. John, Neuveville, Berne, and Bienne, lie in a line from the south +to the north, to the extremity of the lake, the whole interspersed with +very agreeable villages. + +Such was the asylum I had prepared for myself, and to which I was +determined to retire alter quitting Val de Travers. + + [It may perhaps be necessary to remark that I left there an enemy in + M. du Teneaux, mayor of Verrieres, not much esteemed in the country, + but who has a brother, said to be an honest man, in the office of M. + de St. Florentin. The mayor had been to see him sometime before my + adventure. Little remarks of this kind, though of no consequence, + in themselves, may lead to the discovery of many underhand + dealings.] + +This choice was so agreeable to my peaceful inclinations, and my solitary +and indolent disposition, that I consider it as one of the pleasing +reveries of which I became the most passionately fond. I thought I +should in that island be more separated from men, more sheltered from +their outrages, and sooner forgotten by mankind: in a word, more +abandoned to the delightful pleasures of the inaction of a contemplative +life. I could have wished to have been confined in it in such a manner +as to have had no intercourse with mortals, and I certainly took every +measure I could imagine to relieve me from the necessity of troubling my +head about them. + +The great question was that of subsistence, and by the dearness of +provisions, and the difficulty of carriage, this is expensive in the +island; the inhabitants are besides at the mercy of the receiver. This +difficulty was removed by an arrangement which Du Peyrou made with me in +becoming a substitute to the company which had undertaken and abandoned +my general edition. I gave him all the materials necessary, and made the +proper arrangement and distribution. To the engagement between us I +added that of giving him the memoirs of my life, and made him the general +depositary of all my papers, under the express condition of making no use +of them until after my death, having it at heart quietly to end my days +without doing anything which should again bring me back to the +recollection of the public. The life annuity he undertook to pay me was +sufficient to my subsistence. My lord marshal having recovered all his +property, had offered me twelve hundred livres (fifty pounds) a year, +half of which I accepted. He wished to send me the principal, and this I +refused on account of the difficulty of placing it. He then sent the +amount to Du Peyrou, in whose hands it remained, and who pays me the +annuity according to the terms agreed upon with his lordship. Adding +therefore to the result of my agreement with Du Peyrou, the annuity of +the marshal, two-thirds of which were reversible to Theresa after my +death, and the annuity of three hundred livres from Duchesne, I was +assured of a genteel subsistence for myself, and after me for Theresa, to +whom I left seven hundred livres (twenty-nine pounds) a year, from the +annuities paid me by Rey and the lord marshal; I had therefore no longer +to fear a want of bread. But it was ordained that honor should oblige me +to reject all these resources which fortune and my labors placed within +my reach, and that I should die as poor as I had lived. It will be seen +whether or not, without reducing myself to the last degree of infamy, I +could abide by the engagements which care has always taken to render +ignominious, by depriving me of every other resource to force me to +consent to my own dishonor. How was it possible anybody could doubt of +the choice I should make in such an alternative? Others have judged of +my heart by their own. + +My mind at ease relative to subsistence was without care upon every other +subject. Although I left in the world the field open to my enemies, +there remained in the noble enthusiasm by which my writings were +dictated, and in the constant uniformity of my principles, an evidence of +the uprightness of my heart which answered to that deducible from my +conduct in favor of my natural disposition. I had no need of any other +defense against my calumniators. They might under my name describe +another man, but it was impossible they should deceive such as were +unwilling to be imposed upon. I could have given them my whole life to +animadvert upon, with a certainty, notwithstanding all my faults and +weaknesses, and my want of aptitude to, support the lightest yoke, of +their finding me in every situation a just and good man, without +bitterness, hatred, or jealousy, ready to acknowledge my errors, and +still more prompt to forget the injuries I received from others; seeking +all my happiness in love, friendship, and affection and in everything +carrying my sincerity even to imprudence and the most incredible +disinterestedness. + +I therefore in some measure took leave of the age in which I lived and my +contemporaries, and bade adieu to the world, with an intention to confine +myself for the rest of my days to that island; such was my resolution, +and it was there I hoped to execute the great project of the indolent +life to which I had until then consecrated the little activity with which +Heaven had endowed me. The island was to become to me that of Papimanie, +that happy country where the inhabitants sleep: + + Ou l'on fait plus, ou l'on fait nulle chose. + + [Where they do more: where they do nothing.] + +This more was everything for me, for I never much regretted sleep; +indolence is sufficient to my happiness, and provided I do nothing, I had +rather dream waking than asleep. Being past the age of romantic +projects, and having been more stunned than flattered by the trumpet of +fame, my only hope was that of living at ease, and constantly at leisure. +This is the life of the blessed in the world to come, and for the rest of +mine here below I made it my supreme happiness. + +They who reproach me with so many contradictions, will not fail here to +add another to the number. I have observed the indolence of great +companies made them unsupportable to me, and I am now seeking solitude +for the sole purpose of abandoning myself to inaction. This however is +my disposition; if there be in it a contradiction, it proceeds from +nature and not from me; but there is so little that it is precisely on +that account that I am always consistent. The indolence of company is +burdensome because it is forced. That of solitude is charming because it +is free, and depends upon the will. In company I suffer cruelly by +inaction, because this is of necessity. I must there remain nailed to my +chair, or stand upright like a picket, without stirring hand or foot, not +daring to run, jump, sing, exclaim, nor gesticulate when I please, not +allowed even to dream, suffering at the same time the fatigue of inaction +and all the torment of constraint; obliged to pay attention to every +foolish thing uttered, and to all the idle compliments paid, and +constantly to keep my mind upon the rack that I may not fail to introduce +in my turn my jest or my lie. And this is called idleness! It is the +labor of a galley slave. + +The indolence I love is not that of a lazy fellow who sits with his arms +across in total inaction, and thinks no more than he acts, but that of a +child which is incessantly in motion doing nothing, and that of a dotard +who wanders from his subject. I love to amuse myself with trifles, by +beginning a hundred things and never finishing one of them, by going or +coming as I take either into my head, by changing my project at every +instant, by following a fly through all its windings, in wishing to +overturn a rock to see what is under it, by undertaking with ardor the +work of ten years, and abandoning it without regret at the end of ten +minutes; finally, in musing from morning until night without order or +coherence, and in following in everything the caprice of a moment. + +Botany, such as I have always considered it, and of which after my own +manner I began to become passionately fond, was precisely an idle study, +proper to fill up the void of my leisure, without leaving room for the +delirium of imagination or the weariness of total inaction. Carelessly +wandering in the woods and the country, mechanically gathering here a +flower and there a branch; eating my morsel almost by chance, observing a +thousand and a thousand times the same things, and always with the same +interest, because I always forgot them, were to me the means of passing +an eternity without a weary moment. However elegant, admirable, and +variegated the structure of plants may be, it does not strike an ignorant +eye sufficiently to fix the attention. The constant analogy, with, at +the same time, the prodigious variety which reigns in their conformation, +gives pleasure to those only who have already some idea of the vegetable +system. Others at the sight of these treasures of nature feel nothing +more than a stupid and monotonous admiration. They see nothing in detail +because they know not for what to look, nor do they perceive the whole, +having no idea of the chain of connection and combinations which +overwhelms with its wonders the mind of the observer. I was arrived at +that happy point of knowledge, and my want of memory was such as +constantly to keep me there, that I knew little enough to make the whole +new to me, and yet everything that was necessary to make me sensible to +the beauties of all the parts. The different soils into which the +island, although little, was divided, offered a sufficient variety of +plants, for the study and amusement of my whole life. I was determined +not to leave a blade of grass without analyzing it, and I began already +to take measures for making, with an immense collection of observations, +the 'Flora Petrinsularis'. + +I sent for Theresa, who brought with her my books and effects. We +boarded with the receiver of the island. His wife had sisters at Nidau, +who by turns came to see her, and were company for Theresa. I here made +the experiment of the agreeable life which I could have wished to +continue to the end of my days, and the pleasure I found in it only +served to make me feel to a greater degree the bitterness of that by +which it was shortly to be succeeded. + +I have ever been passionately fond of water, and the sight of it throws +me into a delightful reverie, although frequently without a determinate +object. + +Immediately after I rose from my bed I never failed, if the weather was +fine, to run to the terrace to respire the fresh and salubrious air of +the morning, and glide my eye over the horizon of the lake, bounded by +banks and mountains, delightful to the view. I know no homage more +worthy of the divinity than the silent admiration excited by the +contemplation of his works, and which is not externally expressed. +I can easily comprehend the reason why the inhabitants of great cities, +who see nothing but walls, and streets, have but little faith; but not +whence it happens that people in the country, and especially such as live +in solitude, can possibly be without it. How comes it to pass that these +do not a hundred times a day elevate their minds in ecstasy to the Author +of the wonders which strike their senses. For my part, it is especially +at rising, wearied by a want of sleep, that long habit inclines me to +this elevation which imposes not the fatigue of thinking. But to this +effect my eyes must be struck with the ravishing beauties of nature. In +my chamber I pray less frequently, and not so fervently; but at the view +of a fine landscape I feel myself moved, but by what I am unable to tell. +I have somewhere read of a wise bishop who in a visit to his diocese +found an old woman whose only prayer consisted in the single interjection +"Oh!"--"Good mother," said he to her, "continue to pray in this manner; +your prayer is better than ours." This better prayer is mine also. + +After breakfast, I hastened, with a frown on my brow, to write a few +pitiful letters, longing ardently for the moment after which I should +have no more to write. I busied myself for a few minutes about my books +and papers, to unpack and arrange them, rather than to read what they +contained; and this arrangement, which to me became the work of Penelope, +gave me the pleasure of musing for a while. I then grew weary, and +quitted my books to spend the three or four hours which remained to me of +the morning in the study of botany, and especially of the system of +Linnaeus, of which I became so passionately fond, that, after having felt +how useless my attachment to it was, I yet could not entirely shake it +off. This great observer is, in my opinion, the only one who, with +Ludwig, has hitherto considered botany as a naturalist, and a +philosopher; but he has too much studied it in herbals and gardens, and +not sufficiently in nature herself. For my part, whose garden was always +the whole island, the moment I wanted to make or verify an observation, +I ran into the woods or meadows with my book under my arm, and there laid +myself upon the ground near the plant in question, to examine it at my +ease as it stood. This method was of great service to me in gaining a +knowledge of vegetables in their natural state, before they had been +cultivated and changed in their nature by the hands of men. Fagon, first +physician to Louis XIV., and who named and perfectly knew all the plants +in the royal garden, is said to have been so ignorant in the country as +not to know how to distinguish the same plants. I am precisely the +contrary. I know something of the work of nature, but nothing of that of +the gardener. + +I gave every afternoon totally up to my indolent and careless +disposition, and to following without regularity the impulse of the +moment. When the weather was calm, I frequently went immediately after +I rose from dinner, and alone got into the boat. The receiver had taught +me to row with one oar; I rowed out into the middle of the lake. The +moment I withdrew from the bank, I felt a secret joy which almost made me +leap, and of which it is impossible for me to tell or even comprehend the +cause, if it were not a secret congratulation on my being out of the +reach of the wicked. I afterwards rowed about the lake, sometimes +approaching the opposite bank, but never touching at it. I often let my +boat float at the mercy of the wind and water, abandoning myself to +reveries without object, and which were not the less agreeable for their +stupidity. I sometimes exclaimed, "O nature! O my mother! I am here +under thy guardianship alone; here is no deceitful and cunning mortal to +interfere between thee and me." In this manner I withdrew half a league +from land; I could have wished the lake had been the ocean. However, to +please my poor dog, who was not so fond as I was of such a long stay on +the water, I commonly followed one constant course; this was going to +land at the little island where I walked an hour or two, or laid myself +down on the grass on the summit of the hill, there to satiate myself with +the pleasure of admiring the lake and its environs, to examine and +dissect all the herbs within my reach, and, like another Robinson Crusoe, +built myself an imaginary place of residence in the island. I became +very much attached to this eminence. When I brought Theresa, with the +wife of the receiver and her sisters, to walk there, how proud was I to +be their pilot and guide! We took there rabbits to stock it. This was +another source of pleasure to Jean Jacques. These animals rendered the +island still more interesting to me. I afterwards went to it more +frequently, and with greater pleasure to observe the progress of the new +inhabitants. + +To these amusements I added one which recalled to my recollection the +delightful life I led at the Charmettes, and to which the season +particularly invited me. This was assisting in the rustic labors of +gathering of roots and fruits, of which Theresa and I made it a pleasure +to partake with the wife of the receiver and his family. I remember a +Bernois, one M. Kirkeberguer, coming to see me, found me perched upon a +tree with a sack fastened to my waist, and already so full of apples that +I could not stir from the branch on which I stood. I was not sorry to be +caught in this and similar situations. I hoped the people of Berne, +witnesses to the employment of my leisure, would no longer think of +disturbing my tranquillity but leave me at peace in my solitude. I +should have preferred being confined there by their desire: this would +have rendered the continuation of my repose more certain. + +This is another declaration upon which I am previously certain of the +incredulity of many of my readers, who obstinately continue to judge me +by themselves, although they cannot but have seen, in the course of my +life, a thousand internal affections which bore no resemblance to any of +theirs. But what is still more extraordinary is, that they refuse me +every sentiment, good or indifferent, which they have not, and are +constantly ready to attribute to me such bad ones as cannot enter into +the heart of man: in this case they find it easy to set me in opposition +to nature, and to make of me such a monster as cannot in reality exist. +Nothing absurd appears to them incredible, the moment it has a tendency +to blacken me, and nothing in the least extraordinary seems to them +possible, if it tends to do me honor. + +But, notwithstanding what they may think or say, I will still continue +faithfully to state what J. J. Rousseau was, did, and thought; without +explaining, or justifying, the singularity of his sentiments and ideas, +or endeavoring to discover whether or not others have thought as he did. +I became so delighted with the island of St. Peter, and my residence +there was so agreeable to me that, by concentrating all my desires within +it, I formed the wish that I might stay there to the end of my life. The +visits I had to return in the neighborhood, the journeys I should be +under the necessity of making to Neuchatel, Bienne, Yverdon, and Nidau, +already fatigued my imagination. A day passed out of the island, seemed +to me a loss of so much happiness, and to go beyond the bounds of the +lake was to go out of my element. Past experience had besides rendered +me apprehensive. The very satisfaction that I received from anything +whatever was sufficient to make me fear the loss of it, and the ardent +desire I had to end my days in that island, was inseparable from the +apprehension of being obliged to leave it. I had contracted a habit of +going in the evening to sit upon the sandy shore, especially when the +lake was agitated. I felt a singular pleasure in seeing the waves break +at my feet. I formed of them in my imagination the image of the tumult +of the world contrasted with the peace of my habitation; and this +pleasing idea sometimes softened me even to tears. The repose I enjoyed +with ecstasy was disturbed by nothing but the fear of being deprived of +it, and this inquietude was accompanied with some bitterness. I felt my +situation so precarious as not to dare to depend upon its continuance. +"Ah! how willingly," said I to myself, "would I renounce the liberty of +quitting this place, for which I have no desire, for the assurance of +always remaining in it. Instead of being permitted to stay here by +favor, why am I not detained by force! They who suffer me to remain may +in a moment drive me away, and can I hope my persecutors, seeing me +happy, will leave me here to continue to be so? Permitting me to live in +the island is but a trifling favor. I could wish to be condemned to do +it, and constrained to remain here that I may not be obliged to go +elsewhere." I cast an envious eye upon Micheli du Cret, who, quiet in +the castle of Arbourg, had only to determine to be happy to become so. +In fine, by abandoning myself to these reflections, and the alarming +apprehensions of new storms always ready to break over my head, I wished +for them with an incredible ardor, and that instead of suffering me to +reside in the island, the Bernois would give it me for a perpetual +prison; and I can assert that had it depended upon me to get myself +condemned to this, I would most joyfully have done it, preferring a +thousand times the necessity of passing my life there to the danger of +being driven to another place. + +This fear did not long remain on my mind. When I least expected what was +to happen, I received a letter from the bailiff of Nidau, within whose +jurisdiction the island of St. Peter was; by his letter he announced to +me from their excellencies an order to quit the island and their states. +I thought myself in a dream. Nothing could be less natural, reasonable, +or foreseen than such an order: for I considered my apprehensions as the +result of inquietude in a man whose imagination was disturbed by his +misfortunes, and not to proceed from a foresight which could have the +least foundation. The measures I had taken to insure myself the tacit +consent of the sovereign, the tranquillity with which I had been left to +make my establishment, the visits of several people from Berne, and that +of the bailiff himself, who had shown me such friendship and attention, +and the rigor of the season in which it was barbarous to expel a man who +was sickly and infirm, all these circumstances made me and many people +believe that there was some mistake in the order and that ill-disposed +people had purposely chosen the time of the vintage and the vacation of +the senate suddenly to do me an injury. + +Had I yielded to the first impulse of my indignation, I should +immediately have departed. But to what place was I to go? What was to +become of me at the beginning of the winter, without object, preparation, +guide or carriage? Not to leave my papers and effects at the mercy of +the first comer, time was necessary to make proper arrangements, and it +was not stated in the order whether or not this would be granted me. +The continuance of misfortune began to weigh down my courage. For the +first time in my life I felt my natural haughtiness stoop to the yoke of +necessity, and, notwithstanding the murmurs of my heart, I was obliged to +demean myself by asking for a delay. I applied to M. de Graffenried, who +had sent me the order, for an explanation of it. His letter, conceived +in the strongest terms of disapprobation of the step that had been taken, +assured me it was with the greatest regret he communicated to me the +nature of it, and the expressions of grief and esteem it contained seemed +so many gentle invitations to open to him my heart: I did so. I had no +doubt but my letter would open the eyes of my persecutors, and that if so +cruel an order was not revoked, at least a reasonable delay, perhaps the +whole winter, to make the necessary preparations for my retreat, and to +choose a place of abode, would be granted me. + +Whilst I waited for an answer, I reflected upon my situation, and +deliberated upon the steps I had to take. I perceived so many +difficulties on all sides, the vexation I had suffered had so strongly +affected me, and my health was then in such a bad state, that I was quite +overcome, and the effect of my discouragement was to deprive me of the +little resource which remained in my mind, by which I might, as well as +it was possible to do it, have withdrawn myself from my melancholy +situation. In whatever asylum I should take refuge, it appeared +impossible to avoid either of the two means made use of to expel me. +One of which was to stir up against me the populace by secret manoeuvres; +and the other to drive me away by open force, without giving a reason for +so doing. I could not, therefore, depend upon a safe retreat, unless I +went in search of it farther than my strength and the season seemed +likely to permit. These circumstances again bringing to my recollection +the ideas which had lately occurred to me, I wished my persecutors to +condemn me to perpetual imprisonment rather than oblige me incessantly to +wander upon the earth, by successively expelling me from the asylums of +which I should make choice: and to this effect I made them a proposal. +Two days after my first letter to M. de Graffenried, I wrote him a +second, desiring he would state what I had proposed to their +excellencies. The answer from Berne to both was an order, conceived in +the most formal and severe terms, to go out of the island, and leave +every territory, mediate and immediate of the republic, within the space +of twenty-four hours, and never to enter them again under the most +grievous penalties. + +This was a terrible moment. I have since that time felt greater anguish, +but never have I been more embarrassed. What afflicted me most was being +forced to abandon the project which had made me desirous to pass the +winter in the island. It is now time I should relate the fatal anecdote +which completed my disasters, and involved in my ruin an unfortunate +people, whose rising virtues already promised to equal those of Rome and +Sparta, I had spoken of the Corsicans in the 'Social Contract' as a new +people, the only nation in Europe not too worn out for legislation, +and had expressed the great hope there was of such a people, if it were +fortunate enough to have a wise legislator. My work was read by some of +the Corsicans, who were sensible of the honorable manner in which I had +spoken of them; and the necessity under which they found themselves of +endeavoring to establish their republic, made their chiefs think of +asking me for my ideas upon the subject. M. Buttafuoco, of one of the +first families in the country, and captain in France, in the Royal +Italians, wrote to me to that effect, and sent me several papers for +which I had asked to make myself acquainted with the history of the +nation and the state of the country. M. Paoli, also, wrote to me several +times, and although I felt such an undertaking to be superior to my +abilities; I thought I could not refuse to give my assistance to so great +and noble a work, the moment I should have acquired all the necessary +information. It was to this effect I answered both these gentlemen, and +the correspondence lasted until my departure. + +Precisely at the same time, I heard that France was sending troops to +Corsica, and that she had entered into a treaty with the Genoese. This +treaty and sending of troops gave me uneasiness, and, without imagining +I had any further relation with the business, I thought it impossible and +the attempt ridiculous, to labor at an undertaking which required such +undisturbed tranquillity as the political institution of a people in the +moment when perhaps they were upon the point of being subjugated. I did +not conceal my fears from M. Buttafuoco, who rather relieved me from them +by the assurance that, were there in the treaty things contrary to the +liberty of his country, a good citizen like himself would not remain as +he did in the service of France. In fact, his zeal for the legislation +of the Corsicans, and his connections with M. Paoli, could not leave a +doubt on my mind respecting him; and when I heard he made frequent +journeys to Versailles and Fontainebleau, and had conversations with M. +de Choiseul, all I concluded from the whole was, that with respect to the +real intentions of France he had assurances which he gave me to +understand, but concerning which he did not choose openly to explain +himself by letter. + +This removed a part of my apprehensions. Yet, as I could not comprehend +the meaning of the transportation of troops from France, nor reasonably +suppose they were sent to Corsica to protect the liberty of the +inhabitants, which they of themselves were very well able to defend +against the Genoese, I could neither make myself perfectly easy, nor +seriously undertake the plan of the proposed legislation, until I had +solid proofs that the whole was serious, and that the parties meant not +to trifle with me. I much wished for an interview with M. Buttafuoco, as +that was certainly the best means of coming at the explanation I wished. +Of this he gave me hopes, and I waited for it with the greatest +impatience. I know not whether he really intended me any interview or +not; but had this even been the case, my misfortunes would have prevented +me from profiting by it. + +The more I considered the proposed undertaking, and the further I +advanced in the examination of the papers I had in my hands, the greater +I found the necessity of studying, in the country, the people for whom +institutions were to be made, the soil they inhabited, and all the +relative circumstances by which it was necessary to appropriate to them +that institution. I daily perceived more clearly the impossibility of +acquiring at a distance all the information necessary to guide me. This +I wrote to M. Buttafuoco, and he felt as I did. Although I did not form +the precise resolution of going to Corsica. I considered a good deal of +the means necessary to make that voyage. I mentioned it to M. Dastier, +who having formerly served in the island under M. de Maillebois, was +necessarily acquainted with it. He used every effort to dissuade me from +this intention, and I confess the frightful description he gave me of the +Corsicans and their country, considerably abated the desire I had of +going to live amongst them. + +But when the persecutions of Motiers made me think of quitting +Switzerland, this desire was again strengthened by the hope of at length +finding amongst these islanders the repose refused me in every other +place. One thing only alarmed me, which was my unfitness for the active +life to which I was going to be condemned, and the aversion I had always +had to it. My disposition, proper for meditating at leisure and in +solitude, was not so for speaking and acting, and treating of affairs +with men. Nature, which had endowed me with the first talent, had +refused me the last. Yet I felt that, even without taking a direct and +active part in public affairs, I should as soon as I was in Corsica, +be under the necessity of yielding to the desires of the people, and of +frequently conferring with the chiefs. The object even of the voyage +required that, instead of seeking retirement, I should in the heart of +the country endeavor to gain the information of which I stood in need. +It was certain that I should no longer be master of my own time, and +that, in spite of myself, precipitated into the vortex in which I was not +born to move, I should there lead a life contrary to my inclination, +and never appear but to disadvantage. I foresaw that ill-supporting by +my presence the opinion my books might have given the Corsicans of my +capacity, I should lose my reputation amongst them, and, as much to their +prejudice as my own, be deprived of the confidence they had in me, +without which, however, I could not successfully produce the work they +expected from my pen. I am certain that, by thus going out of my sphere, +I should become useless to the inhabitants, and render myself unhappy. + +Tormented, beaten by storms from every quarter, and, for several years +past, fatigued by journeys and persecution, I strongly felt a want of the +repose of which my barbarous enemies wantonly deprived me: I sighed more +than ever after that delicious indolence, that soft tranquillity of body +and mind, which I had so much desired, and to which, now that I had +recovered from the chimeras of love and friendship, my heart limited its +supreme felicity. I viewed with terror the work I was about to +undertake; the tumultuous life into which I was to enter made me tremble, +and if the grandeur, beauty, and utility of the object animated my +courage, the impossibility of conquering so many difficulties entirely +deprived me of it. + +Twenty years of profound meditation in solitude would have been less +painful to me than an active life of six months in the midst of men and +public affairs, with a certainty of not succeeding in my undertaking. + +I thought of an expedient which seemed proper to obviate every +difficulty. Pursued by the underhand dealings of my secret persecutors +to every place in which I took refuge, and seeing no other except Corsica +where I could in my old days hope for the repose I had until then been +everywhere deprived of, I resolved to go there with the directions of M. +Buttafuoco as soon as this was possible, but to live there in +tranquillity; renouncing, in appearance, everything relative to +legislation, and, in some measure, to make my hosts a return for their +hospitality, to confine myself to writing in the country the history of +the Corsicans, with a reserve in my own mind of the intention of secretly +acquiring the necessary information to become more useful to them should +I see a probability of success. In this manner, by not entering into an +engagement, I hoped to be enabled better to meditate in secret and more +at my ease, a plan which might be useful to their purpose, and this +without much breaking in upon my dearly beloved solitude, or submitting +to a kind of life which I had ever found insupportable. + +But the journey was not, in my situation, a thing so easy to get over. +According to what M. Dastier had told me of Corsica, I could not expect +to find there the most simple conveniences of life, except such as I +should take with me; linen, clothes, plate, kitchen furniture, and books, +all were to be conveyed thither. To get there myself with my +gouvernante, I had the Alps to cross, and in a journey of two hundred +leagues to drag after me all my baggage; I had also to pass through the +states of several sovereigns, and according to the example set to all +Europe, I had, after what had befallen me, naturally to expect to find +obstacles in every quarter, and that each sovereign would think he did +himself honor by overwhelming me with some new insult, and violating in +my person all the rights of persons and humanity. The immense expense, +fatigue, and risk of such a journey made a previous consideration of +them, and weighing every difficulty, the first step necessary. The idea +of being alone, and, at my age, without resource, far removed from all my +acquaintance, and at the mercy of these semi-barbarous and ferocious +people, such as M. Dastier had described them to me, was sufficient to +make me deliberate before I resolved to expose myself to such dangers. +I ardently wished for the interview for which M. Buttafuoco had given me +reason to hope, and I waited the result of it to guide me in my +determination. + +Whilst I thus hesitated came on the persecutions of Motiers, which +obliged me to retire. I was not prepared for a long journey, especially +to Corsica. I expected to hear from Buttafuoco; I took refuge in the +island of St. Peter, whence I was driven at the beginning of winter, as I +have already stated. The Alps, covered with snow, then rendered my +emigration impracticable, especially with the promptitude required from +me. It is true, the extravagant severity of a like order rendered the +execution of it almost impossible; for, in the midst of that concentred +solitude, surrounded by water, and having but twenty-four hours after +receiving the order to prepare for my departure, and find a boat and +carriages to get out of the island and the territory, had I had wings, +I should scarcely have been able to pay obedience to it. This I wrote to +the bailiff of Nidau, in answer to his letter, and hastened to take my +departure from a country of iniquity. In this manner was I obliged to +abandon my favorite project, for which reason, not having in my +oppression been able to prevail upon my persecutors to dispose of me +otherwise, I determined, in consequence of the invitation of my lord +marshal, upon a journey to Berlin, leaving Theresa to pass the winter in +the island of St. Peter, with my books and effects, and depositing my +papers in the hands of M. du Peyrou. I used so much diligence that the +next morning I left the island and arrived at Bienne before noon. An +accident, which I cannot pass over in silence, had here well nigh put an +end to my journey. + +As soon as the news or my having received an order to quit my asylum was +circulated, I received a great number of visits from the neighborhood, +and especially from the Bernois, who came with the most detestable +falsehood to flatter and soothe me, protesting that my persecutors had +seized the moment of the vacation of the senate to obtain and send me the +order, which, said they, had excited the indignation of the two hundred. +Some of these comforters came from the city of Bienne, a little free +state within that of Berne, and amongst others a young man of the name of +Wildremet whose family was of the first rank, and had the greatest credit +in that city. Wildremet strongly solicited me in the name of his fellow- +citizens to choose my retreat amongst them, assuring me that they were +anxiously desirous of it, and that they would think it an honor and their +duty to make me forget the persecutions I had suffered; that with them I +had nothing to fear from the influence of the Bernois, that Bienne was a +free city, governed by its own laws, and that the citizens were +unanimously resolved not to hearken to any solicitation which should be +unfavorable to me. + +Wildremet perceiving all he could say to be ineffectual, brought to his +aid several other persons, as well from Bienne and the environs as from +Berne; even, and amongst others, the same Kirkeberguer, of whom I have +spoken, who, after my retreat to Switzerland had endeavored to obtain my +esteem, and by his talents and principles had interested me in his favor. +But I received much less expected and more weighty solicitations from M. +Barthes, secretary to the embassy from France, who came with Wildremet to +see me, exhorted me to accept his invitation, and surprised me by the +lively and tender concern he seemed to feel for my situation. I did not +know M. Barthes; however I perceived in what he said the warmth and zeal +of friendship, and that he had it at heart to persuade me to fix my +residence at Bienne. He made the most pompous eulogium of the city and +its inhabitants, with whom he showed himself so intimately connected as +to call them several times in my presence his patrons and fathers. + +This from Barthes bewildered me in my conjectures. I had always +suspected M. de Choisuel to be the secret author of all the persecutions +I suffered in Switzerland. The conduct of the resident of Geneva, +and that of the ambassador at Soleure but too much confirmed my +suspicion; I perceived the secret influence of France in everything that +happened to me at Berne, Geneva and Neuchatel, and I did not think I had +any powerful enemy in that kingdom, except the Duke de Choiseul. What +therefore could I think of the visit of Barthes and the tender concern he +showed for my welfare? My misfortunes had not yet destroyed the +confidence natural to my heart, and I had still to learn from experience +to discern snares under the appearance of friendship. I sought with +surprise the reason of the benevolence of M. Barthes; I was not weak +enough to believe he had acted from himself; there was in his manner +something ostentatious, an affectation even which declared a concealed +intention, and I was far from having found in any of these little +subaltern agents, that generous intrepidity which, when I was in a +similar employment, had often caused a fermentation in my heart. I had +formerly known something of the Chevalier Beauteville, at the castle of +Montmorency; he had shown me marks of esteem; since his appointment to +the embassy he had given me proofs of his not having entirely forgotten +me, accompanied with an invitation to go and see him at Soleure. Though +I did not accept this invitation, I was extremely sensible of his +civility, not having been accustomed to be treated with such kindness by +people in place. I presume M. de Beauteville, obliged to follow his +instructions in what related to the affairs of Geneva, yet pitying me +under my misfortunes, had by his private cares prepared for me the asylum +of Bienne, that I might live there in peace under his auspices. I was +properly sensible of his attention, but without wishing to profit by it +and quite determined upon the journey to Berlin, I sighed after the +moment in which I was to see my lord marshal, persuaded I should in +future find zeal repose and lasting happiness nowhere but near his +person. + +On my departure from the island, Kirkeberguer accompanied me to Bienne. +I found Wildremet and other Biennois, who, by the water side, waited my +getting out of the boat. We all dined together at the inn, and on my +arrival there my first care was to provide a chaise, being determined to +set off the next morning. Whilst we were at dinner these gentlemen +repeated their solicitations to prevail upon me to stay with them, and +this with such warmth and obliging protestations, that notwithstanding +all my resolutions, my heart, which has never been able to resist +friendly attentions, received an impression from theirs; the moment they +perceived I was shaken, they redoubled their efforts with so much effect +that I was at length overcome, and consented to remain at Bienne, at +least until the spring. + +Wildremet immediately set about providing me with a lodging, and boasted, +as of a fortunate discovery, of a dirty little chamber in the back of the +house, on the third story, looking into a courtyard, where I had for a +view the display of the stinking skins of a dresser of chamois leather. +My host was a man of a mean appearance, and a good deal of a rascal; the +next day after I went to his house I heard that he was a debauchee, a +gamester, and in bad credit in the neighborhood. He had neither wife, +children, nor servants, and shut up in my solitary chamber, I was in the +midst of one of the most agreeable countries in Europe, lodged in a +manner to make me die of melancholy in the course of a few days. What +affected me most was, that, notwithstanding what I had heard of the +anxious wish of the inhabitants to receive me amongst them, I had not +perceived, as I passed through the streets, anything polite towards me in +their manners, or obliging in their looks. I was, however, determined to +remain there; but I learned, saw, and felt, the day after, that there was +in the city a terrible fermentation, of which I was the cause. Several +persons hastened obligingly to inform me that on the next day I was to +receive an order conceived in the most severe terms, immediately to quit +the state, that is the city. I had nobody in whom I could confide; they +who had detained me were dispersed. Wildremet had disappeared; I heard +no more of Barthes, and it did not appear that his recommendation had +brought me into great favor with those whom he had styled his patrons and +fathers. One M. de Van Travers, a Bernois, who had an agreeable house +not far from the city, offered it to me for my asylum, hoping, as he +said, that I might there avoid being stoned. The advantage this offer +held out was not sufficiently flattering to tempt me to prolong my abode +with these hospitable people. + +Yet, having lost three days by the delay, I had greatly exceeded the +twenty-four hours the Bernois had given me to quit their states, and +knowing their severity, I was not without apprehensions as to the manner +in which they would suffer me to cross them, when the bailiff of Nidau +came opportunely and relieved me from my embarrassment. As he had highly +disapproved of the violent proceedings of their excellencies, he thought, +in his generosity, he owed me some public proof of his taking no part in +them, and had courage to leave his bailiwick to come and pay me a visit +at Bienne. He did me this favor the evening before my departure, and far +from being incognito he affected ceremony, coming in fiocchi in his coach +with his secretary, and brought me a passport in his own name that I +might cross the state of Berne at my ease, and without fear of +molestation. I was more flattered by the visit than by the passport, +and should have been as sensible of the merit of it, had it had for +object any other person whatsoever. Nothing makes a greater impression +on my heart than a well-timed act of courage in favor of the weak +unjustly oppressed. + +At length, after having with difficulty procured a chaise, I next morning +left this barbarous country, before the arrival of the deputation with +which I was to be honored, and even before I had seen Theresa, to whom I +had written to come to me, when I thought I should remain at Bienne, +and whom I had scarcely time to countermand by a short letter, informing +her of my new disaster. In the third part of my memoirs, if ever I be +able to write them, I shall state in what manner, thinking to set off for +Berlin, I really took my departure for England, and the means by which +the two ladies who wished to dispose of my person, after having by their +manoeuvres driven me from Switzerland, where I was not sufficiently in +their power, at last delivered me into the hands of their friend. + +I added what follows on reading my memoirs to M. and Madam, the Countess +of Egmont, the Prince Pignatelli, the Marchioness of Mesme, and the +Marquis of Juigne. + +I have written the truth: if any person has heard of things contrary to +those I have just stated, were they a thousand times proved, he has heard +calumny and falsehood; and if he refuses thoroughly to examine and +compare them with me whilst I am alive, he is not a friend either to +justice or truth. For my part, I openly, and without the least fear +declare, that whoever, even without having read my works, shall have +examined with his own eyes, my disposition, character, manners, +inclinations, pleasures, and habits, and pronounce me a dishonest man, +is himself one who deserves a gibbet. + +Thus I concluded, and every person was silent; Madam d'Egmont was the +only person who seemed affected; she visibly trembled, but soon recovered +herself, and was silent like the rest of the company. Such were the +fruits of my reading and declaration. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Bilboquet +I never much regretted sleep +In company I suffer cruelly by inaction +Indolence of company is burdensome because it is forced +More stunned than flattered by the trumpet of fame +Nothing absurd appears to them incredible +Obliged to pay attention to every foolish thing uttered +Only prayer consisted in the single interjection "Oh!" +Reproach me with so many contradictions +Substituting cunning to knowledge +Wish thus to be revenged of me for their humiliation + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, v12 +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + + + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS FOR THE ENTIRE CONFESSIONS OF ROUSSEAU: + +A feeling heart the foundation of all my misfortunes +A religion preached by such missionaries must lead to paradise! +A subject not even fit to make a priest of +A man, on being questioned, is immediately on his guard +Adopted the jargon of books, than the knowledge they contained +All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason +All your evils proceed from yourselves! +An author must be independent of success +Ardor for learning became so far a madness +Aversion to singularity +Avoid putting our interests in competition with our duty +Being beat like a slave, I judged I had a right to all vices +Bilboquet +Catholic must content himself with the decisions of others +Caution is needless after the evil has happened +Cemented by reciprocal esteem +Considering this want of decency as an act of courage +Conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions +Degree of sensuality had mingled with the smart and shame +Die without the aid of physicians +Difficult to think nobly when we think for a livelihood +Dine at the hour of supper; sup when I should have been asleep +Disgusted with the idle trifling of a convent +Dissembler, though, in fact, I was only courteous +Dying for love without an object +Endeavoring to hide my incapacity, I rarely fail to show it +Endeavoring to rise too high we are in danger of falling +Ever appearing to feel as little for others as herself +Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine +First instance of violence and oppression is so deeply engraved +First time in my life, of saying, "I merit my own esteem" +Flattery, or rather condescension, is not always a vice +Force me to be happy in the manner they should point out +Foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment +Hastening on to death without having lived +Hat, only fit to be carried under his arm +Have the pleasure of seeing an ass ride on horseback +Have ever preferred suffering to owing +Her excessive admiration or dislike of everything +Hold fast to aught that I have, and yet covet nothing more +Hopes, in which self-love was by no means a loser +How many wrongs are effaced by the embraces of a friend! +I never much regretted sleep +I strove to flatter my idleness +I never heard her speak ill of persons who were absent +I loved her too well to wish to possess her +I felt no dread but that of being detected +I was long a child, and am so yet in many particulars +I am charged with the care of myself only +I only wished to avoid giving offence +I did not fear punishment, but I dreaded shame +I had a numerous acquaintance, yet no more than two friends +Idea of my not being everything to her +Idleness is as much the pest of society as of solitude +If you have nothing to do, you must absolutely speak continually +In the course of their lives frequently unlike themselves +In company I suffer cruelly by inaction +In a nation of blind men, those with one eye are kings +Indolence, negligence and delay in little duties to be fulfilled +Indolence of company is burdensome because it is forced +Injustice of mankind which embitters both life and death +Insignificant trash that has obtained the name of education +Instead of being delighted with the journey only wished arrival +Is it possible to dissimulate with persons whom we love? +Jean Bapiste Rousseau +Knew how to complain, but not how to act +Law that the accuser should be confined at the same time +Left to nature the whole care of my own instruction +Less degree of repugnance in divulging what is really criminal +Letters illustrious in proportion as it was less a trade +Loaded with words and redundancies +Looking on each day as the last of my life +Love of the marvellous is natural to the human heart +Make men like himself, instead of taking them as they were +Making their knowledge the measure of possibilities +Making me sensible of every deficiency +Manoeuvres of an author to the care of publishing a good book +Men, in general, make God like themselves +Men of learning more tenaciously retain their predjudices +Mistake wit for sense +Moment I acquired literary fame, I had no longer a friend +Money that we possess is the instrument of liberty +Money we lack and strive to obtain is the instrument of slavery +More stunned than flattered by the trumpet of fame +More folly than candor in the declaration without necessity +Multiplying persons and adventures +My greatest faults have been omissions +Myself the principal object +Necessity, the parent of industry, suggested an invention +Neither the victim nor witness of any violent emotions +No sooner had lost sight of men than I ceased to despise them +No longer permitted to let old people remain out of Paris +Not so easy to quit her house as to enter it +Not knowing how to spend their time, daily breaking in upon me +Nothing absurd appears to them incredible +Obliged to pay attention to every foolish thing uttered +Obtain their wishes, without permitting or promising anything +One of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive +Only prayer consisted in the single interjection "Oh!" +Painful to an honest man to resist desires already formed +Passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admire +Piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of it +Placing unbounded confidence in myself and others +Prescriptions serve to flatter the hopes of the patient +Priests ought never to have children--except by married women +Proportioned rather to her ideas than abilities +Protestants, in general, are better instructed +Rather bashful than modest +Rather appeared to study with than to instruct me +Read the hearts of others by endeavoring to conceal our own +Read description of any malady without thinking it mine +Read without studying +Remorse wakes amid the storms of adversity +Remorse sleeps in the calm sunshine of prosperity +Reproach me with so many contradictions +Return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave +Rogues know how to save themselves at the expense of the feeble +Satisfaction of weeping together +Seeking, by fresh offences, a return of the same chastisement +Sin consisted only in the scandal +Slighting her favors, if within your reach, a unpardonable crime +Sometimes encourage hopes they never mean to realize +Substituting cunning to knowledge +Supposed that certain, which I only knew to be probable +Taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as I had imagined +That which neither women nor authors ever pardon +The malediction of knaves is the glory of an honest man +The conscience of the guilty would revenge the innocent +There is nothing in this world but time and misfortune +There is no clapping of hands before the king +This continued desire to control me in all my wishes +Though not a fool, I have frequently passed for one +To make him my apologies for the offence he had given me +True happiness is indescribable, it is only to be felt +Trusting too implicitly to their own innocence +Tyranny of persons who called themselves my friends +Virtuous minds, which vice never attacks openly +Voltaire was formed never to be(happy) +We learned to dissemble, to rebel, to lie +What facility everything which favors the malignity of man +When once we make a secret of anything to the person we love +When everyone is busy, you may continue silent +Whence comes it that even a child can intimidate a man +Where merit consists in belief, and not in virtue +Whole universe would be interested in my concerns +Whose discourses began by a distribution of millions +Wish thus to be revenged of me for their humiliation +Without the least scruple, freely disposing of my time +Writing for bread would soon have extinguished my genius +Yielded him the victory, or rather declined the contest + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Confessions of Rousseau, entire +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + |