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diff --git a/old/files/relative.htm b/old/files/relative.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d60b24e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/files/relative.htm @@ -0,0 +1,26436 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="iso-8859-1"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <title> + THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU + </title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + .indent5 { margin-left: 5%;} + .indent10 { margin-left: 10%;} + .indent15 { margin-left: 15%;} + .indent20 { margin-left: 20%;} + .indent30 { margin-left: 30%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 100%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0} + span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 1 } + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + --> +</style> + </head> + <body> + <h2> + THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete +by Jean Jacques Rousseau + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net + + +Title: The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau, Complete + +Author: Jean Jacques Rousseau + +Release Date: October 4, 2006 [EBook #3913] +Last Updated: October 18, 2012 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS ROUSSEAU *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU + </h1> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><a name="rousseau" id="rousseau"></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="rousseau.jpg (44K)" src="images/rousseau.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="titlepage.jpg (52K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <br /> <a href="#link1">Book I.</a><br /><br /> <a href="#link2">Book II.</a><br /><br /> + <a href="#link3">Book III.</a> <br /><br /> + <a href="#link4">Book IV.</a><br /><br /> <a href="#link5">Book V.</a><br /><br /> + <a href="#link6">Book VI.</a><br /><br /> <a href="#link7">Book VII.</a><br /><br /> + <a href="#link8">Book VIII.</a><br /><br /> <a href="#link9">Book IX.</a><br /><br /> + <a href="#link10">Book X.</a><br /><br /> <a href="#link11">Book XI.</a><br /><br /> + <a href="#link12">Book XII.</a><br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>ILLUSTRATIONS</b></big> + </p> + <br /> <a href="#rousseau">Jean Jacques Rousseau</a>——<i>Painting + by Maurice Q. de La Tour</i><br /><br /> <a href="#p028">The Stealing of The + Apple</a>——<i>Etching by Maurice Leloir</i><br /><br /> <a + href="#p098">In The Laboratory</a>——<i>Etching by Maurice + Leloir</i><br /><br /> <a href="#p162">The Burnt Drugs</a>——<i>Etching + by Maurice Leloir</i><br /><br /> <a href="#p268">Rousseau With Madame Dupin</a>——<i>Etching + by Maurice Leloir</i><br /><br /> <a href="#frontpiece2">In The Garden of + The Hermitage</a>——<i>Etching by Maurice Leloir</i><br /><br /> + <a href="#pb156">Jean Jacques Quits The Hermitage</a>——<i>Etching + by Maurice Leloir</i><br /><br /> <a href="#pb178">Visit to The Castle of + Mont Louis</a>——<i>Etching by Maurice Leloir</i><br /><br /> <a + href="#pb202">Jean Jacques and Mdlle. De Boufflers</a> ——<i>Etching + by Maurice Leloir</i><br /><br /> <a href="#pb248">Separation of Rousseau + and Therese</a>——<i>Etching by Maurice Leloir</i> <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </blockquote> + <a name="link1"></a><br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK I. + </h1> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <h2> + INTRODUCTION. + </h2> + <br /><br /> + <p> + Among the notable books of later times-we may say, without exaggeration, + of all time—must be reckoned The Confessions of Jean Jacques + Rousseau. It deals with leading personages and transactions of a + momentous epoch, when absolutism and feudalism were rallying for their + last struggle against the modern spirit, chiefly represented by + Voltaire, the Encyclopedists, and Rousseau himself—a struggle to + which, after many fierce intestine quarrels and sanguinary wars + throughout Europe and America, has succeeded the prevalence of those + more tolerant and rational principles by which the statesmen of our own + day are actuated. + </p> + <p> + On these matters, however, it is not our province to enlarge; nor is it + necessary to furnish any detailed account of our author's political, + religious, and philosophic axioms and systems, his paradoxes and his + errors in logic: these have been so long and so exhaustively disputed + over by contending factions that little is left for even the most + assiduous gleaner in the field. The inquirer will find, in Mr. John + Money's excellent work, the opinions of Rousseau reviewed succinctly and + impartially. The 'Contrat Social', the 'Lattres Ecrites de la Montagne', + and other treatises that once aroused fierce controversy, may therefore + be left in the repose to which they have long been consigned, so far as + the mass of mankind is concerned, though they must always form part of + the library of the politician and the historian. One prefers to turn to + the man Rousseau as he paints himself in the remarkable work before us. + </p> + <p> + That the task which he undertook in offering to show himself—as + Persius puts it—'Intus et in cute', to posterity, exceeded his + powers, is a trite criticism; like all human enterprises, his purpose + was only imperfectly fulfilled; but this circumstance in no way lessens + the attractive qualities of his book, not only for the student of + history or psychology, but for the intelligent man of the world. Its + startling frankness gives it a peculiar interest wanting in most other + autobiographies. + </p> + <p> + Many censors have elected to sit in judgment on the failings of this + strangely constituted being, and some have pronounced upon him very + severe sentences. Let it be said once for all that his faults and + mistakes were generally due to causes over which he had but little + control, such as a defective education, a too acute sensitiveness, which + engendered suspicion of his fellows, irresolution, an overstrained sense + of honour and independence, and an obstinate refusal to take advice from + those who really wished to befriend him; nor should it be forgotten that + he was afflicted during the greater part of his life with an incurable + disease. + </p> + <p> + Lord Byron had a soul near akin to Rousseau's, whose writings naturally + made a deep impression on the poet's mind, and probably had an influence + on his conduct and modes of thought: In some stanzas of 'Childe Harold' + this sympathy is expressed with truth and power; especially is the + weakness of the Swiss philosopher's character summed up in the following + admirable lines: + </p> + <blockquote> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + "Here the self-torturing sophist, wild Rousseau, + The apostle of affliction, he who threw + Enchantment over passion, and from woe + Wrung overwhelming eloquence, first drew + The breath which made him wretched; yet he knew + How to make madness beautiful, and cast + O'er erring deeds and thoughts a heavenly hue + Of words, like sunbeams, dazzling as they passed + The eyes, which o'er them shed tears feelingly and fast. + + "His life was one long war with self-sought foes, + Or friends by him self-banished; for his mind + Had grown Suspicion's sanctuary, and chose, + For its own cruel sacrifice, the kind, + 'Gainst whom he raged with fury strange and blind. + But he was frenzied,-wherefore, who may know? + Since cause might be which skill could never find; + But he was frenzied by disease or woe + To that worst pitch of all, which wears a reasoning show." + +</pre> + </blockquote> + <p> + One would rather, however, dwell on the brighter hues of the picture + than on its shadows and blemishes; let us not, then, seek to "draw his + frailties from their dread abode." His greatest fault was his + renunciation of a father's duty to his offspring; but this crime he + expiated by a long and bitter repentance. We cannot, perhaps, very + readily excuse the way in which he has occasionally treated the memory + of his mistress and benefactress. That he loved Madame de Warens—his + 'Mamma'—deeply and sincerely is undeniable, notwithstanding which + he now and then dwells on her improvidence and her feminine + indiscretions with an unnecessary and unbecoming lack of delicacy that + has an unpleasant effect on the reader, almost seeming to justify the + remark of one of his most lenient critics—that, after all, + Rousseau had the soul of a lackey. He possessed, however, many amiable + and charming qualities, both as a man and a writer, which were evident + to those amidst whom he lived, and will be equally so to the + unprejudiced reader of the Confessions. He had a profound sense of + justice and a real desire for the improvement and advancement of the + race. Owing to these excellences he was beloved to the last even by + persons whom he tried to repel, looking upon them as members of a band + of conspirators, bent upon destroying his domestic peace and depriving + him of the means of subsistence. + </p> + <p> + Those of his writings that are most nearly allied in tone and spirit to + the 'Confessions' are the 'Reveries d'un Promeneur Solitaire' and 'La + Nouvelle Heloise'. His correspondence throws much light on his life and + character, as do also parts of 'Emile'. It is not easy in our day to + realize the effect wrought upon the public mind by the advent of 'La + Nouvelle Heloise'. Julie and Saint-Preux became names to conjure with; + their ill-starred amours were everywhere sighed and wept over by the + tender-hearted fair; indeed, in composing this work, Rousseau may be + said to have done for Switzerland what the author of the Waverly Novels + did for Scotland, turning its mountains, lakes and islands, formerly + regarded with aversion, into a fairyland peopled with creatures whose + joys and sorrows appealed irresistibly to every breast. Shortly after + its publication began to flow that stream of tourists and travellers + which tends to make Switzerland not only more celebrated but more + opulent every year. It, is one of the few romances written in the + epistolary form that do not oppress the reader with a sense of languor + and unreality; for its creator poured into its pages a tide of passion + unknown to his frigid and stilted predecessors, and dared to depict + Nature as she really is, not as she was misrepresented by the modish + authors and artists of the age. Some persons seem shy of owning an + acquaintance with this work; indeed, it has been made the butt of + ridicule by the disciples of a decadent school. Its faults and its + beauties are on the surface; Rousseau's own estimate is freely expressed + at the beginning of the eleventh book of the Confessions and elsewhere. + It might be wished that the preface had been differently conceived and + worded; for the assertion made therein that the book may prove dangerous + has caused it to be inscribed on a sort of Index, and good folk who + never read a line of it blush at its name. Its "sensibility," too, is a + little overdone, and has supplied the wits with opportunities for + satire; for example, Canning, in his 'New Morality': + </p> + <blockquote> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> "Sweet Sensibility, who dwells enshrined + In the fine foldins of the feeling mind.... + Sweet child of sickly Fancy!-her of yore + From her loved France Rousseau to exile bore; + And while 'midst lakes and mountains wild he ran, + Full of himself, and shunned the haunts of man, + Taught her o'er each lone vale and Alpine, steep + To lisp the story of his wrongs and weep." +</pre> + </blockquote> + <p> + As might be imagined, Voltaire had slight sympathy with our social + reformer's notions and ways of promulgating them, and accordingly took + up his wonted weapons—sarcasm and ridicule—against poor + Jean-Jacques. The quarrels of these two great men cannot be described in + this place; but they constitute an important chapter in the literary and + social history of the time. In the work with which we are immediately + concerned, the author seems to avoid frequent mention of Voltaire, even + where we should most expect it. However, the state of his mind when he + penned this record of his life should be always remembered in relation + to this as well as other occurrences. + </p> + <p> + Rousseau had intended to bring his autobiography down to a later date, + but obvious causes prevented this: hence it is believed that a summary + of the chief events that marked his closing years will not be out of + place here. + </p> + <p> + On quitting the Ile de Saint-Pierre he travelled to Strasbourg, where he + was warmly received, and thence to Paris, arriving in that city on + December 16, 1765. The Prince de Conti provided him with a lodging in + the Hotel Saint-Simon, within the precincts of the Temple—a place + of sanctuary for those under the ban of authority. 'Every one was eager + to see the illustrious proscript, who complained of being made a daily + show, "like Sancho Panza in his island of Barataria." During his short + stay in the capital there was circulated an ironical letter purporting + to come from the Great Frederick, but really written by Horace Walpole. + This cruel, clumsy, and ill-timed joke angered Rousseau, who ascribed it + to, Voltaire. A few sentences may be quoted: + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + "My Dear Jean-Jacques,—You have renounced Geneva, your native + place. You have caused your expulsion from Switzerland, a country so + extolled in your writings; France has issued a warrant against you: so + do you come to me. My states offer you a peaceful retreat. I wish you + well, and will treat you well, if you will let me. But, if you persist + in refusing my help, do not reckon upon my telling any one that you + did so. If you are bent on tormenting your spirit to find new + misfortunes, choose whatever you like best. I am a king, and can + procure them for you at your pleasure; and, what will certainly never + happen to you in respect of your enemies, I will cease to persecute + you as soon as you cease to take a pride in being persecuted. Your + good friend, <br />"FREDERICK." + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + Early in 1766 David Hume persuaded Rousseau to go with him to England, + where the exile could find a secure shelter. In London his appearance + excited general attention. Edmund Burke had an interview with him and + held that inordinate vanity was the leading trait in his character. Mr. + Davenport, to whom he was introduced by Hume, generously offered + Rousseau a home at Wootton, in Staffordshire, near the, Peak Country; + the latter, however, would only accept the offer on condition that he + should pay a rent of L 30 a year. He was accorded a pension of L 100 by + George III., but declined to draw after the first annual payment. The + climate and scenery of Wootton being similar to those of his native + country, he was at first delighted with his new abode, where he lived + with Therese, and devoted his time to herborising and inditing the first + six books of his Confessions. Soon, however, his old hallucinations + acquired strength, and Rousseau convinced himself that enemies were bent + upon his capture, if not his death. In June, 1766, he wrote a violent + letter to Hume, calling him "one of the worst of men." Literary Paris + had combined with Hume and the English Government to surround him—as + he supposed—with guards and spies; he revolved in his troubled + mind all the reports and rumours he had heard for months and years; + Walpole's forged letter rankled in his bosom; and in the spring of 1767 + he fled; first to Spalding, in Lincolnshire, and subsequently to Calais, + where he landed in May. + </p> + <p> + On his arrival in France his restless and wandering disposition forced + him continually to change his residence, and acquired for him the title + of "Voyageur Perpetuel." While at Trye, in Gisors, in 1767—8, he + wrote the second part of the Confessions. He had assumed the surname of + Renou, and about this time he declared before two witnesses that Therese + was his wife—a proceeding to which he attached the sanctity of + marriage. In 1770 he took up his abode in Paris, where he lived + continuously for seven years, in a street which now bears his name, and + gained a living by copying music. Bernardin de Saint-Pierre, the author + of 'Paul and Virginia', who became acquainted with him in 1772, has left + some interesting particulars of Rousseau's daily mode of life at this + period. Monsieur de Girardin having offered him an asylum at + Ermemonville in the spring of 1778, he and Therese went thither to + reside, but for no long time. On the 3d of July, in the same year, this + perturbed spirit at last found rest, stricken by apoplexy. A rumor that + he had committed suicide was circulated, but the evidence of trustworthy + witnesses, including a physician, effectually contradicts this + accusation. His remains, first interred in the Ile des Peupliers, were, + after the Revolution, removed to the Pantheon. In later times the + Government of Geneva made some reparation for their harsh treatment of a + famous citizen, and erected his statue, modelled by his compatriot, + Pradier, on an island in the Rhone. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + "See nations, slowly wise and meanly just, <br /> To buried merit raise + the tardy bust." + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + November, 1896. <br /><br /> S. W. ORSON. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /> + <h1> + THE CONFESSIONS + </h1> + <br /> + <h1> + OF + </h1> + <br /> + <h1> + J. J. ROUSSEAU + </h1> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK I. + </h1> + <br /><br /> + <p> + I have entered upon a performance which is without example, whose + accomplishment will have no imitator. I mean to present my + fellow-mortals with a man in all the integrity of nature; and this man + shall be myself. + </p> + <p> + I know my heart, and have studied mankind; I am not made like any one I + have been acquainted with, perhaps like no one in existence; if not + better, I at least claim originality, and whether Nature did wisely in + breaking the mould with which she formed me, can only be determined + after having read this work. + </p> + <p> + Whenever the last trumpet shall sound, I will present myself before the + sovereign judge with this book in my hand, and loudly proclaim, thus + have I acted; these were my thoughts; such was I. With equal freedom and + veracity have I related what was laudable or wicked, I have concealed no + crimes, added no virtues; and if I have sometimes introduced superfluous + ornament, it was merely to occupy a void occasioned by defect of memory: + I may have supposed that certain, which I only knew to be probable, but + have never asserted as truth, a conscious falsehood. Such as I was, I + have declared myself; sometimes vile and despicable, at others, + virtuous, generous and sublime; even as thou hast read my inmost soul: + Power eternal! assemble round thy throne an innumerable throng of my + fellow-mortals, let them listen to my confessions, let them blush at my + depravity, let them tremble at my sufferings; let each in his turn + expose with equal sincerity the failings, the wanderings of his heart, + and, if he dare, aver, I was better than that man. + </p> + <p> + I was born at Geneva, in 1712, son of Isaac Rousseau and Susannah + Bernard, citizens. My father's share of a moderate competency, which was + divided among fifteen children, being very trivial, his business of a + watchmaker (in which he had the reputation of great ingenuity) was his + only dependence. My mother's circumstances were more affluent; she was + daughter of a Mons. Bernard, minister, and possessed a considerable + share of modesty and beauty; indeed, my father found some difficulty in + obtaining her hand. + </p> + <p> + The affection they entertained for each other was almost as early as + their existence; at eight or nine years old they walked together every + evening on the banks of the Treille, and before they were ten, could not + support the idea of separation. A natural sympathy of soul confined + those sentiments of predilection which habit at first produced; born + with minds susceptible of the most exquisite sensibility and tenderness, + it was only necessary to encounter similar dispositions; that moment + fortunately presented itself, and each surrendered a willing heart. + </p> + <p> + The obstacles that opposed served only to give a decree of vivacity to + their affection, and the young lover, not being able to obtain his + mistress, was overwhelmed with sorrow and despair. She advised him to + travel—to forget her. He consented—he travelled, but + returned more passionate than ever, and had the happiness to find her + equally constant, equally tender. After this proof of mutual affection, + what could they resolve?—to dedicate their future lives to love! + the resolution was ratified with a vow, on which Heaven shed its + benediction. + </p> + <p> + Fortunately, my mother's brother, Gabriel Bernard, fell in love with one + of my father's sisters; she had no objection to the match, but made the + marriage of his sister with her brother an indispensable preliminary. + Love soon removed every obstacle, and the two weddings were celebrated + the same day: thus my uncle became the husband of my aunt, and their + children were doubly cousins german. Before a year was expired, both had + the happiness to become fathers, but were soon after obliged to submit + to a separation. + </p> + <p> + My uncle Bernard, who was an engineer, went to serve in the empire and + Hungary, under Prince Eugene, and distinguished himself both at the + siege and battle of Belgrade. My father, after the birth of my only + brother, set off, on recommendation, for Constantinople, and was + appointed watchmaker to the Seraglio. During his absence, the beauty, + wit, and accomplishments— + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [They were too brilliant for her situation, the minister, her father, + having bestowed great pains on her education. She was aught drawing, + singing, and to play on the theorbo; had learning, and wrote very + agreeable verses. The following is an extempore piece which she + composed in the absence of her husband and brother, in a conversation + with some person relative to them, while walking with her sister—in—law, + and their two children of my mother attracted a number of admirers, + among whom Mons. de la Closure, Resident of France, was the most + assiduous in his attentions. + </p> + </blockquote> + <blockquote> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + Ces deux messieurs, qui sont absens, + Nous sont chers e bien des manieres; + Ce sont nos amiss, nos amans + Ce sont nos maris et nos freres, + Et les peres de ces enfans. + + These absent ones, who just claim + Our hearts, by every tender name, + To whom each wish extends + Our husbands and our brothers are, + The fathers of this blooming pair, + Our lovers and our friends.] + +</pre> + </blockquote> + <p> + His passion must have been extremely violent, since after a period of + thirty years I have seen him affected at the very mention of her name. + My mother had a defence more powerful even than her virtue; she tenderly + loved my father, and conjured him to return; his inclination seconding + his request, he gave up every prospect of emolument, and hastened to + Geneva. + </p> + <p> + I was the unfortunate fruit of this return, being born ten months after, + in a very weakly and infirm state; my birth cost my mother her life, and + was the first of my misfortunes. I am ignorant how my father supported + her loss at that time, but I know he was ever after inconsolable. In me + he still thought he saw her he so tenderly lamented, but could never + forget I had been the innocent cause of his misfortune, nor did he ever + embrace me, but his sighs, the convulsive pressure of his arms, + witnessed that a bitter regret mingled itself with his caresses, though, + as may be supposed, they were not on this account less ardent. When he + said to me, "Jean Jacques, let us talk of your mother," my usual reply + was, "Yes, father, but then, you know, we shall cry," and immediately + the tears started from his eyes. "Ah!" exclaimed he, with agitation, + "Give me back my wife; at least console me for her loss; fill up, dear + boy, the void she has left in my soul. Could I love thee thus wert thou + only my son?" Forty years after this loss he expired in the arms of his + second wife, but the name of the first still vibrated on his lips, still + was her image engraved on his heart. + </p> + <p> + Such were the authors of my being: of all the gifts it had pleased + Heaven to bestow on them, a feeling heart was the only one that + descended to me; this had been the source of their felicity, it was the + foundation of all my misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + I came into the world with so few signs of life, that they entertained + but little hope of preserving me, with the seeds of a disorder that has + gathered strength with years, and from which I am now relieved at + intervals, only to suffer a different, though more intolerable evil. I + owed my preservation to one of my father's sisters, an amiable and + virtuous girl, who took the most tender care of me; she is yet living, + nursing, at the age of four—score, a husband younger than herself, + but worn out with excessive drinking. Dear aunt! I freely forgive your + having preserved my life, and only lament that it is not in my power to + bestow on the decline of your days the tender solicitude and care you + lavished on the first dawn of mine. My nurse, Jaqueline, is likewise + living: and in good health—the hands that opened my eyes to the + light of this world may close them at my death. We suffer before we + think; it is the common lot of humanity. I experienced more than my + proportion of it. I have no knowledge of what passed prior to my fifth + or sixth year; I recollect nothing of learning to read, I only remember + what effect the first considerable exercise of it produced on my mind; + and from that moment I date an uninterrupted knowledge of myself. + </p> + <p> + Every night, after supper, we read some part of a small collection of + romances which had been my mother's. My father's design was only to + improve me in reading, and he thought these entertaining works were + calculated to give me a fondness for it; but we soon found ourselves so + interested in the adventures they contained, that we alternately read + whole nights together, and could not bear to give over until at the + conclusion of a volume. Sometimes, in a morning, on hearing the swallows + at our window, my father, quite ashamed of this weakness, would cry, + "Come, come, let us go to bed; I am more a child than thou art." + </p> + <p> + I soon acquired, by this dangerous custom, not only an extreme facility + in reading and comprehending, but, for my age, a too intimate + acquaintance with the passions. An infinity of sensations were familiar + to me, without possessing any precise idea of the objects to which they + related—I had conceived nothing—I had felt the whole. This + confused succession of emotions did not retard the future efforts of my + reason, though they added an extravagant, romantic notion of human life, + which experience and reflection have never been able to eradicate. + </p> + <p> + My romance reading concluded with the summer of 1719, the following + winter was differently employed. My mother's library being quite + exhausted, we had recourse to that part of her father's which had + devolved to us; here we happily found some valuable books, which was by + no means extraordinary, having been selected by a minister that truly + deserved that title, in whom learning (which was the rage of the times) + was but a secondary commendation, his taste and good sense being most + conspicuous. The history of the Church and Empire by Le Sueur, + Bossuett's Discourses on Universal History, Plutarch's Lives, the + history of Venice by Nani, Ovid's Metamorphoses, La Bruyere, + Fontenelle's World, his Dialogues of the Dead, and a few volumes of + Moliere, were soon ranged in my father's closet, where, during the hours + he was employed in his business, I daily read them, with an avidity and + taste uncommon, perhaps unprecedented at my age. + </p> + <p> + Plutarch presently became my greatest favorite. The satisfaction I + derived from repeated readings I gave this author, extinguished my + passion for romances, and I shortly preferred Agesilaus, Brutus, and + Aristides, to Orondates, Artemenes, and Juba. These interesting studies, + seconded by the conversations they frequently occasioned with my father, + produced that republican spirit and love of liberty, that haughty and + invincible turn of mind, which rendered me impatient of restraint or + servitude, and became the torment of my life, as I continually found + myself in situations incompatible with these sentiments. Incessantly + occupied with Rome and Athens, conversing, if I may so express myself + with their illustrious heroes; born the citizen of a republic, of a + father whose ruling passion was a love of his country, I was fired with + these examples; could fancy myself a Greek or Roman, and readily give + into the character of the personage whose life I read; transported by + the recital of any extraordinary instance of fortitude or intrepidity, + animation flashed from my eyes, and gave my voice additional strength + and energy. One day, at table, while relating the fortitude of Scoevola, + they were terrified at seeing me start from my seat and hold my hand + over a hot chafing—dish, to represent more forcibly the action of + that determined Roman. + </p> + <p> + My brother, who was seven years older than myself, was brought up to my + father's profession. The extraordinary affection they lavished on me + might be the reason he was too much neglected: this certainly was a + fault which cannot be justified. His education and morals suffered by + this neglect, and he acquired the habits of a libertine before he + arrived at an age to be really one. My father tried what effect placing + him with a master would produce, but he still persisted in the same ill + conduct. Though I saw him so seldom that it could hardly be said we were + acquainted. I loved him tenderly, and believe he had as strong an + affection for me as a youth of his dissipated turn of mind could be + supposed capable of. One day, I remember, when my father was correcting + him severely, I threw myself between them, embracing my brother, whom I + covered with my body, receiving the strokes designed for him; I + persisted so obstinately in my protection, that either softened by my + cries and tears, or fearing to hurt me most, his anger subsided, and he + pardoned his fault. In the end, my brother's conduct became so bad that + he suddenly disappeared, and we learned some time after that he was in + Germany, but he never wrote to us, and from that day we heard no news of + him: thus I became an only son. + </p> + <p> + If this poor lad was neglected, it was quite different with his brother, + for the children of a king could not be treated with more attention and + tenderness than were bestowed on my infancy, being the darling of the + family; and what is rather uncommon, though treated as a beloved, never + a spoiled child; was never permitted, while under paternal inspection, + to play in the street with other children; never had any occasion to + contradict or indulge those fantastical humors which are usually + attributed to nature, but are in reality the effects of an injudicious + education. I had the faults common to my age, was talkative, a glutton, + and sometimes a liar, made no scruple of stealing sweetmeats, fruits, + or, indeed, any kind of eatables; but never took delight in mischievous + waste, in accusing others, or tormenting harmless animals. I recollect, + indeed, that one day, while Madam Clot, a neighbor of ours, was gone to + church, I made water in her kettle: the remembrance even now makes me + smile, for Madame Clot (though, if you please, a good sort of creature) + was one of the most tedious grumbling old women I ever knew. Thus have I + given a brief, but faithful, history of my childish transgressions. + </p> + <p> + How could I become cruel or vicious, when I had before my eyes only + examples of mildness, and was surrounded by some of the best people in + the world? My father, my aunt, my nurse, my relations, our friends, our + neighbors, all I had any connection with, did not obey me, it is true, + but loved me tenderly, and I returned their affection. I found so little + to excite my desires, and those I had were so seldom contradicted, that + I was hardly sensible of possessing any, and can solemnly aver I was an + absolute stranger to caprice until after I had experienced the authority + of a master. + </p> + <p> + Those hours that were not employed in reading or writing with my father, + or walking with my governess, Jaqueline, I spent with my aunt; and + whether seeing her embroider, or hearing her sing, whether sitting or + standing by her side, I was ever happy. Her tenderness and unaffected + gayety, the charms of her figure and countenance have left such + indelible impressions on my mind, that her manner, look, and attitude + are still before my eyes; I recollect a thousand little caressing + questions; could describe her clothes, her head-dress, nor have the two + curls of fine black hair which hung on her temples, according to the + mode of that time, escaped my memory. + </p> + <p> + Though my taste, or rather passion, for music, did not show itself until + a considerable time after, I am fully persuaded it is to her I am + indebted for it. She knew a great number of songs, which she sung with + great sweetness and melody. The serenity and cheerfulness which were + conspicuous in this lovely girl, banished melancholy, and made all round + her happy. + </p> + <p> + The charms of her voice had such an effect on me, that not only several + of her songs have ever since remained on my memory, but some I have not + thought of from my infancy, as I grow old, return upon my mind with a + charm altogether inexpressible. Would any one believe that an old dotard + like me, worn out with care and infirmity, should sometime surprise + himself weeping like a child, and in a voice querulous, and broken by + age, muttering out one of those airs which were the favorites of my + infancy? There is one song in particular, whose tune I perfectly + recollect, but the words that compose the latter half of it constantly + refuse every effort to recall them, though I have a confused idea of the + rhymes. The beginning, with what I have been able to recollect of the + remainder, is as follows: + </p> + <blockquote> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> Tircis, je n'ose + Ecouter ton Chalumeau + Sous l'Ormeau; + Car on en cause + Deja dans notre hameau. + —— —— ——— + ——— — un Berger + s'engager + sans danger, + Et toujours l'epine est sons la rose. + </pre> + </blockquote> + <p> + I have endeavored to account for the invincible charm my heart feels on + the recollection of this fragment, but it is altogether inexplicable. I + only know, that before I get to the end of it, I always find my voice + interrupted by tenderness, and my eyes suffused with tears. I have a + hundred times formed the resolution of writing to Paris for the + remainder of these words, if any one should chance to know them: but I + am almost certain the pleasure I take in the recollection would be + greatly diminished was I assured any one but my poor aunt Susan had sung + them. + </p> + <p> + Such were my affections on entering this life. Thus began to form and + demonstrate itself, a heart, at once haughty and tender, a character + effeminate, yet invincible; which, fluctuating between weakness and + courage, luxury and virtue, has ever set me in contradiction to myself; + causing abstinence and enjoyment, pleasure and prudence, equally to shun + me. + </p> + <p> + This course of education was interrupted by an accident, whose + consequences influenced the rest of my life. My father had a quarrel + with M. G——, who had a captain's commission in France, and + was related to several of the Council. This G——, who was an + insolent, ungenerous man, happening to bleed at the nose, in order to be + revenged, accused my father of having drawn his sword on him in the + city, and in consequence of this charge they were about to conduct him + to prison. He insisted (according to the law of this republic) that the + accuser should be confined at the same time; and not being able to + obtain this, preferred a voluntary banishment for the remainder of his + life, to giving up a point by which he must sacrifice his honor and + liberty. + </p> + <p> + I remained under the tuition of my uncle Bernard, who was at that time + employed in the fortifications of Geneva. He had lost his eldest + daughter, but had a son about my own age, and we were sent together to + Bossey, to board with the Minister Lambercier. Here we were to learn + Latin, with all the insignificant trash that has obtained the name of + education. + </p> + <p> + Two years spent in this village softened, in some degree, my Roman + fierceness, and again reduced me to a state of childhood. At Geneva, + where nothing was exacted, I loved reading, which was, indeed, my + principal amusement; but, at Bossey, where application was expected, I + was fond of play as a relaxation. The country was so new, so charming in + my idea, that it seemed impossible to find satiety in its enjoyments, + and I conceived a passion for rural life, which time has not been able + to extinguish; nor have I ever ceased to regret the pure and tranquil + pleasures I enjoyed at this place in my childhood; the remembrance + having followed me through every age, even to that in which I am + hastening again towards it. + </p> + <p> + M. Lambercier was a worthy, sensible man, who, without neglecting our + instruction, never made our acquisitions burthensome, or tasks tedious. + What convinces me of the rectitude of his method is, that + notwithstanding my extreme aversion to restraint, the recollection of my + studies is never attended with disgust; and, if my improvement was + trivial, it was obtained with ease, and has never escaped memory. + </p> + <p> + The simplicity of this rural life was of infinite advantage in opening + my heart to the reception of true friendship. The sentiments I had + hitherto formed on this subject were extremely elevated, but altogether + imaginary. The habit of living in this peaceful manner soon united me + tenderly to my cousin Bernard; my affection was more ardent than that I + had felt for my brother, nor has time ever been able to efface it. He + was a tall, lank, weakly boy, with a mind as mild as his body was + feeble, and who did not wrong the good opinion they were disposed to + entertain for the son of my guardian. Our studies, amusements, and + tasks, were the same; we were alone; each wanted a playmate; to separate + would in some measure, have been to annihilate us. Though we had not + many opportunities of demonstrating our attachment to each other, it was + certainly extreme; and so far from enduring the thought of separation, + we could not even form an idea that we should ever be able to submit to + it. Each of a disposition to be won by kindness, and complaisant, when + not soured by contradiction, we agreed in every particular. If, by the + favor of those who governed us he had the ascendant while in their + presence, I was sure to acquire it when we were alone, and this + preserved the equilibrium so necessary in friendship. If he hesitated in + repeating his task, I prompted him; when my exercises were finished, I + helped to write his; and, in our amusements, my disposition being most + active, ever had the lead. In a word, our characters accorded so well, + and the friendship that subsisted between us was so cordial, that during + the five years we were at Bossey and Geneva we were inseparable: we + often fought, it is true, but there never was any occasion to separate + us. No one of our quarrels lasted more than a quarter of an hour, and + never in our lives did we make any complaint of each other. It may be + said, these remarks are frivolous; but, perhaps, a similiar example + among children can hardly be produced. + </p> + <p> + The manner in which I passed my time at Bossey was so agreeable to my + disposition, that it only required a longer duration absolutely to have + fixed my character, which would have had only peaceable, affectionate, + benevolent sentiments for its basis. I believe no individual of our kind + ever possessed less natural vanity than myself. At intervals, by an + extraordinary effort, I arrived at sublime ideas, but presently sunk + again into my original languor. To be loved by every one who knew me was + my most ardent wish. I was naturally mild, my cousin was equally so, and + those who had the care of us were of similiar dispositions. Everything + contributed to strengthen those propensities which nature had implanted + in my breast, and during the two years I was neither the victim nor + witness of any violent emotions. + </p> + <p> + I knew nothing so delightful as to see every one content, not only with + me, but all that concerned them. When repeating our catechism at church, + nothing could give me greater vexation, on being obliged to hesitate, + than to see Miss Lambercier's countenance express disapprobation and + uneasiness. This alone was more afflicting to me than the shame of + faltering before so many witnesses, which, notwithstanding, was + sufficiently painful; for though not oversolicitous of praise, I was + feelingly alive to shame; yet I can truly affirm, the dread of being + reprimanded by Miss Lambercier alarmed me less than the thought of + making her uneasy. + </p> + <p> + Neither she nor her brother were deficient in a reasonable severity, but + as this was scarce ever exerted without just cause, I was more afflicted + at their disapprobation than the punishment. Certainly the method of + treating youth would be altered if the distant effects, this + indiscriminate, and frequently indiscreet method produces, were more + conspicuous. I would willingly excuse myself from a further explanation, + did not the lesson this example conveys (which points out an evil as + frequent as it is pernicious) forbid my silence. + </p> + <p> + As Miss Lambercier felt a mother's affection, she sometimes exerted a + mother's authority, even to inflicting on us when we deserved it, the + punishment of infants. She had often threatened it, and this threat of a + treatment entirely new, appeared to me extremely dreadful; but I found + the reality much less terrible than the idea, and what is still more + unaccountable, this punishment increased my affection for the person who + had inflicted it. All this affection, aided by my natural mildness, was + scarcely sufficient to prevent my seeking, by fresh offences, a return + of the same chastisement; for a degree of sensuality had mingled with + the smart and shame, which left more desire than fear of a repetition. I + was well convinced the same discipline from her brother would have + produced a quite contrary effect; but from a man of his disposition this + was not probable, and if I abstained from meriting correction it was + merely from a fear of offending Miss Lambercier, for benevolence, aided + by the passions, has ever maintained an empire over me which has given + law to my heart. + </p> + <p> + This event, which, though desirable, I had not endeavored to accelerate, + arrived without my fault; I should say, without my seeking; and I + profited by it with a safe conscience; but this second, was also the + last time, for Miss Lambercier, who doubtless had some reason to imagine + this chastisement did not produce the desired effect, declared it was + too fatiguing, and that she renounced it for the future. Till now we had + slept in her chamber, and during the winter, even in her bed; but two + days after another room was prepared for us, and from that moment I had + the honor (which I could very well have dispensed with) of being treated + by her as a great boy. + </p> + <p> + Who would believe this childish discipline, received at eight years old, + from the hands of a woman of thirty, should influence my propensities, + my desires, my passions, for the rest of my life, and that in quite a + contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected? The very + incident that inflamed my senses, gave my desires such an extraordinary + turn, that, confined to what I had already experienced, I sought no + further, and, with blood boiling with sensuality, almost from my birth, + preserved my purity beyond the age when the coldest constitutions lose + their insensibility; long tormented, without knowing by what, I gazed on + every handsome woman with delight; imagination incessantly brought their + charms to my remembrance, only to transform them into so many Miss + Lamberciers. + </p> + <p> + If ever education was perfectly chaste, it was certainly that I + received; my three aunts were not only of exemplary prudence, but + maintained a degree of modest reserve which women have long since + thought unnecessary. My father, it is true, loved pleasure, but his + gallantry was rather of the last than the present century, and he never + expressed his affection for any woman he regarded in terms a virgin + could have blushed at; indeed, it was impossible more attention should + be paid to that regard we owe the morals of children than was uniformly + observed by every one I had any concern with. An equal degree of reserve + in this particular was observed at M. Lambercier's, where a good + maid-servant was discharged for having once made use of an expression + before us which was thought to contain some degree of indelicacy. I had + no precise idea of the ultimate effect of the passions, but the + conception I had formed was extremely disgusting; I entertained a + particular aversion for courtesans, nor could I look on a rake without a + degree of disdain mingled with terror. + </p> + <p> + These prejudices of education, proper in themselves to retard the first + explosions of a combustible constitution, were strengthened, as I have + already hinted, by the effect the first moments of sensuality produced + in me, for notwithstanding the troublesome ebullition of my blood, I was + satisfied with the species of voluptuousness I had already been + acquainted with, and sought no further. + </p> + <p> + Thus I passed the age of puberty, with a constitution extremely ardent, + without knowing or even wishing for any other gratification of the + passions than what Miss Lambercier had innocently given me an idea of; + and when I became a man, that childish taste, instead of vanishing, only + associated with the other. This folly, joined to a natural timidity, has + always prevented my being very enterprising with women, so that I have + passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admired, + without daring to disclose my wishes. + </p> + <p> + To fall at the feet of an imperious mistress, obey her mandates, or + implore pardon, were for me the most exquisite enjoyments, and the more + my blood was inflamed by the efforts of a lively imagination the more I + acquired the appearance of a whining lover. + </p> + <p> + It will be readily conceived that this mode of making love is not + attended with a rapid progress or imminent danger to the virtue of its + object; yet, though I have few favors to boast of, I have not been + excluded from enjoyment, however imaginary. Thus the senses, in + concurrence with a mind equally timid and romantic, have preserved my + moral chaste, and feelings uncorrupted, with precisely the same + inclinations, which, seconded with a moderate portion of effrontery, + might have plunged me into the most unwarrantable excesses. + </p> + <p> + I have made the first, most difficult step, in the obscure and painful + maze of my Confessions. We never feel so great a degree of repugnance in + divulging what is really criminal, as what is merely ridiculous. I am + now assured of my resolution, for after what I have dared disclose, + nothing can have power to deter me. The difficulty attending these + acknowledgments will be readily conceived, when I declare, that during + the whole of my life, though frequently laboring under the most violent + agitation, being hurried away with the impetuosity of a passion which + (when in company with those I loved) deprived me of the faculty of sight + and hearing, I could never, in the course of the most unbounded + familiarity, acquire sufficient resolution to declare my folly, and + implore the only favor that remained to bestow. + </p> + <p> + In thus investigating the first traces of my sensible existence, I find + elements, which, though seemingly incompatible, have united to produce a + simple and uniform effect; while others, apparently the same, have, by + the concurrence of certain circumstances, formed such different + combinations, that it would never be imagined they had any affinity; who + would believe, for example, that one of the most vigorous springs of my + soul was tempered in the identical source from whence luxury and ease + mingled with my constitution and circulated in my veins? Before I quit + this subject, I will add a striking instance of the different effects + they produced. + </p> + <p> + One day, while I was studying in a chamber contiguous to the kitchen, + the maid set some of Miss Lambercier's combs to dry by the fire, and on + coming to fetch them some time after, was surprised to find the teeth of + one of them broken off. Who could be suspected of this mischief? No one + but myself had entered the room: I was questioned, but denied having any + knowledge of it. Mr. and Miss Lambercier consult, exhort, threaten, but + all to no purpose; I obstinately persist in the denial; and, though this + was the first time I had been detected in a confirmed falsehood, + appearances were so strong that they overthrew all my protestations. + This affair was thought serious; the mischief, the lie, the obstinacy, + were considered equally deserving of punishment, which was not now to be + administered by Miss Lambercier. My uncle Bernard was written to; he + arrived; and my poor cousin being charged with a crime no less serious, + we were conducted to the same execution, which was inflicted with great + severity. If finding a remedy in the evil itself, they had sought ever + to allay my depraved desires, they could not have chosen a shorter + method to accomplish their designs, and, I can assure my readers, I was + for a long time freed from the dominion of them. + </p> + <p> + As this severity could not draw from me the expected acknowledgment, + which obstinacy brought on several repetitions, and reduced me to a + deplorable situation, yet I was immovable, and resolutely determined to + suffer death rather than submit. Force, at length, was obliged to yield + to the diabolical infatuation of a child, for no better name was + bestowed on my constancy, and I came out of this dreadful trial, torn, + it is true, but triumphant. Fifty years have expired since this + adventure—the fear of punishment is no more. Well, then, I aver, + in the face of Heaven, I was absolutely innocent: and, so far from + breaking, or even touching the comb, never came near the fire. It will + be asked, how did this mischief happen? I can form no conception of it, + I only know my own innocence. + </p> + <p> + Let any one figure to himself a character whose leading traits were + docility and timidity, but haughty, ardent, and invincible, in its + passions; a child, hitherto governed by the voice of reason, treated + with mildness, equity, and complaisance, who could not even support the + idea of injustice, experiencing, for the first time, so violent an + instance of it, inflicted by those he most loved and respected. What + perversion of ideas! What confusion in the heart, the brain, in all my + little being, intelligent and moral!—let any one, I say, if + possible, imagine all this, for I am incapable of giving the least idea + of what passed in my mind at that period. + </p> + <p> + My reason was not sufficiently established to enable me to put myself in + the place of others, and judge how much appearances condemned me, I only + beheld the rigor of a dreadful chastisement, inflicted for a crime I had + not committed; yet I can truly affirm, the smart I suffered, though + violent, was inconsiderable compared to what I felt from indignation, + rage, and despair. My cousin, who was almost in similar circumstances, + having been punished for an involuntary fault as guilty of a premediated + crime, became furious by my example. Both in the same bed, we embraced + each other with convulsive transport; we were almost suffocated; and + when our young hearts found sufficient relief to breathe out our + indigination, we sat up in the bed, and with all our force, repeated a + hundred times, Carnifex! Carnifex! Carnifex! executioner, tormentor. + </p> + <p> + Even while I write this I feel my pulse quicken, and should I live a + hundred thousand years, the agitation of that moment would still be + fresh in my memory. The first instance of violence and oppression is so + deeply engraved on my soul, that every relative idea renews my emotion: + the sentiment of indignation, which in its origin had reference only to + myself, has acquired such strength, and is at present so completely + detached from personal motives, that my heart is as much inflamed at the + sight or relation of any act of injustice (whatever may be the object, + or wheresoever it may be perpetrated) as if I was the immediate + sufferer. When I read the history of a merciless tyrant, or the dark and + the subtle machination of a knavish designing priest, I could on the + instant set off to stab the miscreants, though I was certain to perish + in the attempt. + </p> + <p> + I have frequently fatigued myself by running after and stoning a cock, a + cow, a dog, or any animal I saw tormenting another, only because it was + conscious of possessing superior strength. This may be natural to me, + and I am inclined to believe it is, though the lively impression of the + first injustice I became the victim of was too long and too powerfully + remembered not to have added considerable force to it. + </p> + <p> + This occurrence terminated my infantine serenity; from that moment I + ceased to enjoy a pure unadulterated happiness, and on a retrospection + of the pleasure of my childhood, I yet feel they ended here. We continue + at Bossey some months after this event, but were like our first parents + in the Garden of Eden after they had lost their innocence; in appearance + our situation was the same, in effect it was totally different. + </p> + <p> + Affection, respect; intimacy, confidence, no longer attached the pupils + to their guides; we beheld them no longer as divinities, who could read + the secrets of our hearts; we were less ashamed of committing faults, + more afraid of being accused of them: we learned to dissemble, to rebel, + to lie: all the vices common to our years began to corrupt our happy + innocence, mingle with our sports, and embitter our amusements. The + country itself, losing those sweet and simple charms which captivate the + heart, appeared a gloomy desert, or covered with a veil that concealed + its beauties. We cultivated our little gardens no more: our flowers were + neglected. We no longer scratched away the mould, and broke out into + exclamations of delight, on discovering that the grain we had sown began + to shoot. We were disgusted with our situation; our preceptors were + weary of us. In a word, my uncle wrote for our return, and we left Mr. + and Miss Lambercier without feeling any regret at the separation. + </p> + <p> + Near thirty years passed away from my leaving Bossey, without once + recalling the place to my mind with any degree of satisfaction; but + after having passed the prime of life, as I decline into old age (while + more recent occurrences are wearing out apace) I feel these remembrances + revive and imprint themselves on my heart, with a force and charm that + every day acquires fresh strength; as if, feeling life fleet from me, I + endeavored to catch it again by its commencement. The most trifling + incident of those happy days delight me, for no other reason than being + of those days. I recall every circumstance of time, place, and persons; + I see the maid or footman busy in the chamber, a swallow entering the + window, a fly settling on my hand while repeating my lessons. I see the + whole economy of the apartment; on the right hand Mr. Lambercier's + closet, with a print representing all the popes, a barometer, a large + almanac, the windows of the house (which stood in a hollow at the bottom + of the garden) shaded by raspberry shrubs, whose shoots sometimes found + entrance; I am sensible the reader has no occasion to know all this, but + I feel a kind of necessity for relating it. Why am I not permitted to + recount all the little anecdotes of that thrice happy age, at the + recollection of whose joys I ever tremble with delight? Five or six + particularly—let us compromise the matter—I will give up + five, but then I must have one, and only one, provided I may draw it out + to its utmost length, in order to prolong my satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + If I only sought yours, I should choose that of Miss Lambercier's + backside, which by an unlucky fall at the bottom of the meadow, was + exposed to the view of the King of Sardinia, who happened to be passing + by; but that of the walnut tree on the terrace is more amusing to me, + since here I was an actor, whereas, in the abovementioned scene I was + only a spectator; and I must confess I see nothing that should occasion + risibility in an accident, which, however laughable in itself, alarmed + me for a person I loved as a mother, or perhaps something more. + </p> + <p> + Ye curious readers, whose expectations are already on the stretch for + the noble history of the terrace, listen to the tragedy, and abstain + from trembling, if you can, at the horrible catastrophe! + </p> + <p> + At the outside of the courtyard door, on the left hand, was a terrace; + here they often sat after dinner; but it was subject to one + inconvenience, being too much exposed to the rays of the sun; to obviate + this defect, Mr. Lambercier had a walnut tree set there, the planting of + which was attended with great solemnity. The two boarders were + godfathers, and while the earth was replacing round the root, each held + the tree with one hand, singing songs of triumph. In order to water it + with more effect, they formed a kind of luson around its foot: myself + and cousin, who were every day ardent spectators of this watering, + confirmed each other in the very natural idea that it was nobler to + plant trees on the terrace than colors on a breach, and this glory we + were resolved to procure without dividing it with any one. + </p> + <p> + In pursuance of this resolution, we cut a slip off a willow, and planted + it on the terrace, at about eight or ten feet distance from the august + walnut tree. We did not forget to make a hollow round it, but the + difficulty was how to procure a supply of water, which was brought from + a considerable distance, and we not permitted to fetch it: but water was + absolutely necessary for our willow, and we made use of every stratagem + to obtain it. + </p> + <p> + For a few days everything succeeded so well that it began to bud, and + throw out small leaves, which we hourly measured convinced (tho' now + scarce a foot from the ground) it would soon afford us a refreshing + shade. This unfortunate willow, by engrossing our whole time, rendered + us incapable of application to any other study, and the cause of our + inattention not being known, we were kept closer than before. The fatal + moment approached when water must fail, and we were already afflicted + with the idea that our tree must perish with drought. At length + necessity, the parent of industry, suggested an invention, by which we + might save our tree from death, and ourselves from despair; it was to + make a furrow underground, which would privately conduct a part of the + water from the walnut tree to our willow. This undertaking was executed + with ardor, but did not immediately succeed—our descent was not + skilfully planned—the water did not run, the earth falling in and + stopping up the furrow; yet, though all went contrary, nothing + discouraged us, 'omnia vincit labor improbus'. We made the bason deeper, + to give the water a more sensible descent; we cut the bottom of a box + into narrow planks; increased the channel from the walnut tree to our + willow and laying a row flat at the bottom, set two others inclining + towards each other, so as to form a triangular channel; we formed a kind + of grating with small sticks at the end next the walnut tree, to prevent + the earth and stones from stopping it up, and having carefully covered + our work with well—trodden earth, in a transport of hope and fear + attended the hour of watering. After an interval, which seemed an age of + expectation, this hour arrived. Mr. Lambercier, as usual, assisted at + the operation; we contrived to get between him and our tree, towards + which he fortunately turned his back. They no sooner began to pour the + first pail of water, than we perceived it running to the willow; this + sight was too much for our prudence, and we involuntarily expressed our + transport by a shout of joy. The sudden exclamation made Mr. Lambercier + turn about, though at that instant he was delighted to observe how + greedily the earth, which surrounded the root of his walnut tree, + imbibed the water. Surprised at seeing two trenches partake of it, he + shouted in his turn, examines, perceives the roguery, and, sending + instantly for a pick axe, at one fatal blow makes two or three of our + planks fly, crying out meantime with all his strength, an aqueduct! an + aqueduct! His strokes redoubled, every one of which made an impression + on our hearts; in a moment the planks, the channel, the bason, even our + favorite willow, all were ploughed up, nor was one word pronounced + during this terrible transaction, except the above mentioned + exclamation. An aqueduct! repeated he, while destroying all our hopes, + an aqueduct! an aqueduct! + </p> + <p> + It maybe supposed this adventure had a still more melancholy end for the + young architects; this, however, was not the case; the affair ended + here. Mr. Lambercier never reproached us on this account, nor was his + countenance clouded with a frown; we even heard him mention the + circumstance to his sister with loud bursts of laughter. The laugh of + Mr. Lambercier might be heard to a considerable distance. But what is + still more surprising after the first transport of sorrow had subsided, + we did not find ourselves violently afflicted; we planted a tree in + another spot, and frequently recollected the catastrophe of the former, + repeating with a significant emphasis, an aqueduct! an aqueduct! Till + then, at intervals, I had fits of ambition, and could fancy myself + Brutus or Aristides, but this was the first visible effect of my vanity. + To have constructed an aqueduct with our own hands, to have set a slip + of willow in competition with a flourishing tree, appeared to me a + supreme degree of glory! I had a juster conception of it at ten than + Caesar entertained at thirty. + </p> + <p> + The idea of this walnut tree, with the little anecdotes it gave rise to, + have so well continued, or returned to my memory, that the design which + conveyed the most pleasing sensations, during my journey to Geneva, in + the year 1754, was visiting Bossey, and reviewing the monuments of my + infantine amusement, above all, the beloved walnut tree, whose age at + that time must have been verging on a third of a century, but I was so + beset with company that I could not find a moment to accomplish my + design. There is little appearance now of the occasion being renewed; + but should I ever return to that charming spot, and find my favorite + walnut tree still existing, I am convinced I should water it with my + tears. + </p> + <p> + On my return to Geneva, I passed two or three years at my uncle's, + expecting the determination of my friends respecting my future + establishment. His own son being devoted to genius, was taught drawing, + and instructed by his father in the elements of Euclid; I partook of + these instructions, but was principally fond of drawing. Meantime, they + were irresolute, whether to make me a watchmaker, a lawyer, or a + minister. I should have preferred being a minister, as I thought it must + be a charming thing to preach, but the trifling income which had been my + mother's, and was to be divided between my brother and myself, was too + inconsiderable to defray the expense attending the prosecution of my + studies. As my age did not render the choice very pressing, I remained + with my uncle, passing my time with very little improvement, and paying + pretty dear, though not unreasonably, for my board. + </p> + <p> + My uncle, like my father, was a man of pleasure, but had not learned, + like him, to abridge his amusements for the sake of instructing his + family, consequently our education was neglected. My aunt was a devotee, + who loved singing psalms better than thinking of our improvement, so + that we were left entirely to ourselves, which liberty we never abused. + </p> + <p> + Ever inseparable, we were all the world to each other; and, feeling no + inclination to frequent the company of a number of disorderly lads of + our own age, we learned none of those habits of libertinism to which our + idle life exposed us. Perhaps I am wrong in charging myself and cousin + with idleness at this time, for, in our lives, we were never less so; + and what was extremely fortunate, so incessantly occupied with our + amusements, that we found no temptation to spend any part of our time in + the streets. We made cages, pipes, kites, drums, houses, ships, and + bows; spoiled the tools of my good old grandfather by endeavoring to + make watches in imitation of him; but our favorite amusement was wasting + paper, in drawing, washing, coloring, etc. There came an Italian + mountebank to Geneva, called Gamber-Corta, who had an exhibition of + puppets, that he made play a kind of comedy. We went once to see them, + but could not spare time to go again, being busily employed in making + puppets of our own and inventing comedies, which we immediately set + about making them perform, mimicking to the best of our abilities the + uncouth voice of Punch; and, to complete the business, my good aunt and + uncle Bernard had the patience to see and listen to our imitations; but + my uncle, having one day read an elaborate discourse to his family, we + instantly gave up our comedies, and began composing sermons. + </p> + <p> + These details, I confess, are not very amusing, but they serve to + demonstrate that the former part of our education was well directed, + since being, at such an early age, the absolute masters of our time, we + found no inclination to abuse it; and so little in want of other + companions, that we constantly neglected every occasion of seeking them. + When taking our walks together, we observed their diversions without + feeling any inclination to partake of them. Friendship so entirely + occupied our hearts, that, pleased with each other's company the + simplest pastimes were sufficient to delight us. + </p> + <p> + We were soon remarked for being thus inseparable: and what rendered us + more conspicuous, my cousin was very tall, myself extremely short, so + that we exhibited a very whimsical contrast. This meagre figure, small, + sallow countenance, heavy air, and supine gait, excited the ridicule of + the children, who, in the gibberish of the country, nicknamed him 'Barna + Bredanna'; and we no sooner got out of doors than our ears were assailed + with a repetition of "Barna Bredanna." He bore this indignity with + tolerable patience, but I was instantly for fighting. This was what the + young rogues aimed at. I engaged accordingly, and was beat. My poor + cousin did all in his power to assist me, but he was weak, and a single + stroke brought him to the ground. I then became furious, and received + several smart blows, some of which were aimed at 'Barna Bredanna'. This + quarrel so far increased the evil, that, to avoid their insults, we + could only show ourselves in the streets while they were employed at + school. + </p> + <p> + I had already become a redresser of grievances; there only wanted a lady + in the way to be a knight-errant in form. This defect was soon supplied; + I presently had two. I frequently went to see my father at Nion, a small + city in the Vaudois country, where he was now settled. Being universally + respected, the affection entertained for him extended to me: and, during + my visits, the question seemed to be, who should show me most kindness. + A Madame de Vulson, in particular, loaded me with caresses; and, to + complete all, her daughter made me her gallant. I need not explain what + kind of gallant a boy of eleven must be to a girl of two and twenty; the + artful hussies know how to set these puppets up in front, to conceal + more serious engagements. On my part I saw no inequality between myself + and Miss Vulson, was flattered by the circumstance, and went into it + with my whole heart, or rather my whole head, for this passion certainly + reached no further, though it transported me almost to madness, and + frequently produced scenes sufficient to make even a cynic expire with + laughter. + </p> + <p> + I have experienced two kinds of love, equally real, which have scarce + any affinity, yet each differing materially from tender friendship. My + whole life has been divided between these affections, and I have + frequently felt the power of both at the same instant. For example, at + the very time I so publically and tyrannically claimed Miss Vulson, that + I could not suffer any other of my sex to approach her, I had short, but + passionate, assignations with a Miss Goton, who thought proper to act + the schoolmistress with me. Our meetings, though absolutely childish, + afforded me the height of happiness. I felt the whole charm of mystery, + and repaid Miss Vulson in kind, when she least expected it, the use she + made of me in concealing her amours. To my great mortification, this + secret was soon discovered, and I presently lost my young + schoolmistress. + </p> + <p> + Miss Goton was, in fact, a singular personage. She was not handsome, yet + there was a certain something in her figure which could not easily be + forgotten, and this for an old fool, I am too often convinced of. Her + eyes, in particular, neither corresponded with her age, her height, nor + her manner; she had a lofty imposing air, which agreed extremely well + with the character she assumed, but the most extraordinary part of her + composition was a mixture of forwardness and reserve difficult to be + conceived; and while she took the greatest liberties with me, would + never permit any to be taken with her in return, treating me precisely + like a child. This makes me suppose she had either ceased herself to be + one, or was yet sufficiently so to behold us play the danger to which + this folly exposed her. + </p> + <p> + I was so absolutely in the power of both these mistresses, that when in + the presence of either, I never thought of her who was absent; in other + respects, the effects they produced on me bore no affinity. I could have + passed my whole life with Miss Vulson, without forming a wish to quit + her; but then, my satisfaction was attended with a pleasing serenity; + and, in numerous companies, I was particularly charmed with her. The + sprightly sallies of her wit, the arch glance of her eye, even jealousy + itself, strengthened my attachment, and I triumphed in the preference + she seemed to bestow on me, while addressed by more powerful rivals; + applause, encouragement, and smiles, gave animation to my happiness. + Surrounded by a throng of observers, I felt the whole force of love—I + was passionate, transported; in a tete-a-tete, I should have been + constrained, thoughtful, perhaps unhappy. If Miss Vulson was ill, I + suffered with her; would willingly have given up my own health to + establish hers (and, observe I knew the want of it from experience); if + absent, she employed my thoughts, I felt the want of her; when present, + her caresses came with warmth and rapture to my heart, though my senses + were unaffected. The familiarities she bestowed on me I could not have + supported the idea of her granting to another; I loved her with a + brother's affection only, but experienced all the jealousy of a lover. + </p> + <p> + With Miss Goton this passion might have acquired a degree of fury; I + should have been a Turk, a tiger, had I once imagined she bestowed her + favors on any but myself. The pleasure I felt on approaching Miss Vulson + was sufficiently ardent, though unattended with uneasy sensations; but + at sight of Miss Goton, I felt myself bewildered—every sense was + absorbed in ecstasy. I believe it would have been impossible to have + remained long with her; I must have been suffocated with the violence of + my palpitations. I equally dreaded giving either of them displeasure; + with one I was more complaisant; with the other, more submissive. I + would not have offended Miss Vulson for the world; but if Miss Goton had + commanded me to throw myself into the flames, I think I should have + instantly obeyed her. Happily, both for her and myself, our amours; or + rather rendezvous, were not of long duration: and though my connection + with Miss Vulson was less dangerous, after a continuance of some greater + length, that likewise had its catastrophe; indeed the termination of a + love affair is good for nothing, unless it partakes of the romantic, and + can furnish out at least an exclamation. + </p> + <p> + Though my correspondence with Miss Vulson was less animated, it was + perhaps more endearing; we never separated without tears, and it can + hardly be conceived what a void I felt in my heart. I could neither + think nor speak of anything but her. These romantic sorrows were not + affected, though I am inclined to believe they did not absolutely centre + in her, for I am persuaded (though I did not perceive it at that time) + being deprived of amusement bore a considerable share in them. + </p> + <p> + To soften the rigor of absence, we agreed to correspond with each other, + and the pathetic expressions these letters contained were sufficient to + have split a rock. In a word, I had the honor of her not being able to + endure the pain of separation. She came to see me at Geneva. + </p> + <p> + My head was now completely turned; and during the two days she remained + here, I was intoxicated with delight. At her departure, I would have + thrown myself into the water after her, and absolutely rent the air with + my cries. The week following she sent me sweetmeats, gloves, etc. This + certainly would have appeared extremely gallant, had I not been informed + of her marriage at the same instant, and that the journey I had thought + proper to give myself the honor of, was only to buy her wedding suit. + </p> + <p> + My indignation may easily be conceived; I shall not attempt to describe + it. In this heroic fury, I swore never more to see the perfidious girl, + supposing it the greatest punishment that could be inflicted on her. + This, however, did not occasion her death, for twenty years after, while + on a visit to my father, being on the lake, I asked who those ladies + were in a boat not far from ours. "What!" said my father smiling, "does + not your heart inform you? It is your former flame, it is Madame + Christin, or, if you please, Miss Vulson." I started at the almost + forgotten name, and instantly ordered the waterman to turn off, not + judging it worth while to be perjured, however favorable the opportunity + for revenge, in renewing a dispute of twenty years past, with a woman of + forty. + </p> + <p> + Thus, before my future destination was determined, did I fool away the + most precious moments of my youth. After deliberating a long time on the + bent of my natural inclination, they resolved to dispose of me in a + manner the most repugnant to them. I was sent to Mr. Masseron, the City + Register, to learn (according to the expression of my uncle Bernard) the + thriving occupation of a scraper. This nickname was inconceivably + displeasing to me, and I promised myself but little satisfaction in the + prospect of heaping up money by a mean employment. The assiduity and + subjection required, completed my disgust, and I never set foot in the + office without feeling a kind of horror, which every day gained fresh + strength. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Masseron, who was not better pleased with my abilities than I was + with the employment, treated me with disdain, incessantly upbraiding me + with being a fool and blockhead, not forgetting to repeat, that my uncle + had assured him I was a knowing one, though he could not find that I + knew anything. That he had promised to furnish him with a sprightly boy, + but had, in truth, sent him an ass. To conclude, I was turned out of the + registry, with the additional ignominy of being pronounced a fool by all + Mr. Masseron's clerks, and fit only to handle a file. + </p> + <p> + My vocation thus determined, I was bound apprentice; not, however, to a + watchmaker, but to an engraver, and I had been so completely humiliated + by the contempt of the register, that I submitted without a murmur. My + master, whose name was M. Ducommon, was a young man of a very violent + and boorish character, who contrived in a short time to tarnish all the + amiable qualities of my childhood, to stupefy a disposition naturally + sprightly, and reduce my feelings, as well as my condition, to an + absolute state of servitude. I forgot my Latin, history, and + antiquities; I could hardly recollect whether such people as Romans ever + existed. When I visited my father, he no longer beheld his idol, nor + could the ladies recognize the gallant Jean Jacques; nay, I was so well + convinced that Mr. and Miss Lambercier would scarce receive me as their + pupil, that I endeavored to avoid their company, and from that time have + never seen them. The vilest inclinations, the basest actions, succeeded + my amiable amusements and even obliterated the very remembrance of them. + I must have had, in spite of my good education, a great propensity to + degenerate, else the declension could not have followed with such ease + and rapidity, for never did so promising a Caesar so quickly become a + Laradon. + </p> + <p> + The art itself did not displease me. I had a lively taste for drawing. + There was nothing displeasing in the exercise of the graver; and as it + required no very extraordinary abilities to attain perfection as a + watchcase engraver, I hoped to arrive at it. Perhaps I should have + accomplished my design, if unreasonable restraint, added to the + brutality of my master, had not rendered my business disgusting. I + wasted his time, and employed myself in engraving medals, which served + me and my companions as a kind of insignia for a new invented order of + chivalry, and though this differed very little from my usual employ, I + considered it as a relaxation. Unfortunately, my master caught me at + this contraband labor, and a severe beating was the consequence. He + reproached me at the same time with attempting to make counterfeit money + because our medals bore the arms of the Republic, though, I can truly + aver, I had no conception of false money, and very little of the true, + knowing better how to make a Roman As than one of our threepenny pieces. + </p> + <p> + My master's tyranny rendered insupportable that labor I should otherwise + have loved, and drove me to vices I naturally despised, such as + falsehood, idleness, and theft. Nothing ever gave me a clearer + demonstration of the difference between filial dependence and abject + slavery, than the remembrance of the change produced in me at that + period. Hitherto I had enjoyed a reasonable liberty; this I had suddenly + lost. I was enterprising at my father's, free at Mr. Lambercier's, + discreet at my uncle's; but, with my master, I became fearful, and from + that moment my mind was vitiated. Accustomed to live on terms of perfect + equality, to be witness of no pleasures I could not command, to see no + dish I was not to partake of, or be sensible of a desire I might not + express; to be able to bring every wish of my heart to my lips—what + a transition!—at my master's I was scarce allowed to speak, was + forced to quit the table without tasting what I most longed for, and the + room when I had nothing particular to do there; was incessantly confined + to my work, while the liberty my master and his journeymen enjoyed, + served only to increase the weight of my subjection. When disputes + happened to arise, though conscious that I understood the subject better + than any of them, I dared not offer my opinion; in a word, everything I + saw became an object of desire, for no other reason than because I was + not permitted to enjoy anything. Farewell gayety, ease, those happy + turns of expressions, which formerly even made my faults escape + correction. I recollect, with pleasure, a circumstance that happened at + my father's, which even now makes me smile. Being for some fault ordered + to bed without my supper, as I was passing through the kitchen, with my + poor morsel of bread in my hand, I saw the meat turning on the spit; my + father and the rest were round the fire; I must bow to every one as I + passed. When I had gone through this ceremony, leering with a wistful + eye at the roast meat, which looked so inviting, and smelt so savory, I + could not abstain from making that a bow likewise, adding in a pitiful + tone, good bye, roast meal! This unpremeditated pleasantry put them in + such good humor, that I was permitted to stay, and partake of it. + Perhaps the same thing might have produced a similar effect at my + master's, but such a thought could never have occurred to me, or, if it + had, I should not have had courage to express it. + </p> + <p> + Thus I learned to covet, dissemble, lie, and, at length, to steal, a + propensity I never felt the least idea of before, though since that time + I have never been able entirely to divest myself of it. Desire and + inability united naturally led to this vice, which is the reason + pilfering is so common among footmen and apprentices, though the latter, + as they grow up, and find themselves in a situation where everything is + at their command, lose this shameful propensity. As I never experienced + the advantage, I never enjoyed the benefit. + </p> + <p> + Good sentiments, ill-directed, frequently lead children into vice. + Notwithstanding my continual wants and temptations, it was more than a + year before I could resolve to take even eatables. My first theft was + occasioned by complaisance, but it was productive of others which had + not so plausible an excuse. + </p> + <p> + My master had a journeyman named Verrat, whose mother lived in the + neighborhood, and had a garden at a considerable distance from the + house, which produced excellent asparagus. This Verrat, who had no great + plenty of money, took it in his head to rob her of the most early + production of her garden, and by the sale of it procure those + indulgences he could not otherwise afford himself; but not being very + nimble, he did not care to run the hazard of a surprise. After some + preliminary flattery, which I did not comprehend the meaning of, he + proposed this expedition to me, as an idea which had that moment struck + him. At first I would not listen to the proposal; but he persisted in + his solicitation, and as I could never resist the attacks of flattery, + at length prevailed. In pursuance of this virtuous resolution, I every + morning repaired to the garden, gathered the best of the asparagus, and + took it to the Holard where some good old women, who guessed how I came + by it, wishing to diminish the price, made no secret of their + suspicions; this produced the desired effect, for, being alarmed, I took + whatever they offered, which being taken to Mr. Verrat, was presently + metamorphosed into a breakfast, and divided with a companion of his; + for, though I procured it, I never partook of their good cheer, being + fully satisfied with an inconsiderable bribe. + </p> + <p> + I executed my roguery with the greatest fidelity, seeking only to please + my employer; and several days passed before it came into my head, to rob + the robber, and tithe Mr. Verrat's harvest. I never considered the + hazard I run in these expeditions, not only of a torrent of abuse, but + what I should have been still more sensible of, a hearty beating; for + the miscreant, who received the whole benefit, would certainly have + denied all knowledge of the fact, and I should only have received a + double portion of punishment for daring to accuse him, since being only + an apprentice, I stood no chance of being believed in opposition to a + journeyman. Thus, in every situation, powerful rogues know how to save + themselves at the expense of the feeble. + </p> + <p> + This practice taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as I had + imagined: I took care to make this discovery turn to some account, + helping myself to everything within my reach, that I conceived an + inclination for. I was not absolutely ill-fed at my master's, and + temperance was only painful to me by comparing it with the luxury he + enjoyed. The custom of sending young people from table precisely when + those things are served up which seem most tempting, is calculated to + increase their longing, and induces them to steal what they conceive to + be so delicious. It may be supposed I was not backward in this + particular: in general my knavery succeeded pretty well, though quite + the reverse when I happened to be detected. + </p> + <p> + I recollect an attempt to procure some apples, which was attended with + circumstances that make me smile and shudder even at this instant. The + fruit was standing in the pantry, which by a lattice at a considerable + height received light from the kitchen. One day, being alone in the + house, I climbed up to see these precious apples, which being out of my + reach, made this pantry appear the garden of Hesperides. I fetched the + spit—tried if it would reach them—it was too short—I + lengthened it with a small one which was used for game,—my master + being very fond of hunting, darted at them several times without + success; at length was more fortunate; being transported to find I was + bringing up an apple, I drew it gently to the lattice—was going to + seize it when (who can express my grief and astonishment!) I found it + would not pass through—it was too large. I tried every expedient + to accomplish my design, sought supporters to keep the spits in the same + position, a knife to divide the apple, and a lath to hold it with; at + length, I so far succeeded as to effect the division, and made no doubt + of drawing the pieces through; but it was scarcely separated, + (compassionate reader, sympathize with my affliction) when both pieces + fell into the pantry. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="p028" id="p028"></a> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="p028.jpg (102K)" src="images/p028.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <p> + Though I lost time by this experiment, I did not lose courage, but, + dreading a surprise, I put off the attempt till next day, when I hoped + to be more successful, and returned to my work as if nothing had + happened, without once thinking of what the two obvious witnesses I had + left in the pantry deposed against me. + </p> + <p> + The next day (a fine opportunity offering) I renew the trial. I fasten + the spits together; get on the stool; take aim; am just going to dart at + my prey—unfortunately the dragon did not sleep; the pantry door + opens, my master makes his appearance, and, looking up, exclaims, + "Bravo!"—The horror of that moment returns—the pen drops + from my hand. + </p> + <p> + A continual repetition of ill treatment rendered me callous; it seemed a + kind of composition for my crimes, which authorized me to continue them, + and, instead of looking back at the punishment, I looked forward to + revenge. Being beat like a slave, I judged I had a right to all the + vices of one. I was convinced that to rob and be punished were + inseparable, and constituted, if I may so express myself, a kind of + traffic, in which, if I perform my part of the bargain, my master would + take care not to be deficient in his; that preliminary settled, I + applied myself to thieving with great tranquility, and whenever this + interrogatory occurred to my mind, "What will be the consequence?" the + reply was ready, "I know the worst, I shall be beat; no matter, I was + made for it." + </p> + <p> + I love good eating; am sensual, but not greedy; I have such a variety of + inclinations to gratify, that this can never predominate; and unless my + heart is unoccupied, which very rarely happens, I pay but little + attention to my appetite; to purloining eatables, but extended this + propensity to everything I wished to possess, and if I did not become a + robber in form, it was only because money never tempted me. + </p> + <p> + My master had a closet in the workshop, which he kept locked; this I + contrived to open and shut as often as I pleased, and laid his best + tools, fine drawings, impressions, in a word, everything he wished to + keep from me, under contribution. + </p> + <p> + These thefts were so far innocent, that they were always employed in his + service, but I was transported at having the trifles in my possession, + and imagined I stole the art with its productions. Besides what I have + mentioned, his boxes contained threads of gold and silver, a number of + small jewels, valuable medals, and money; yet, though I seldom had five + sous in my pocket, I do not recollect ever having cast a wishful look at + them; on the contrary, I beheld these valuables rather with terror than + with delight. + </p> + <p> + I am convinced the dread of taking money was, in a great measure, the + effect of education. There was mingled with the idea of it the fear of + infamy, a prison, punishment, and death: had I even felt the temptation, + these objects would have made me tremble; whereas my failings appeared a + species of waggery, and, in truth, they were little else; they could but + occasion a good trimming, and this I was already prepared for. A sheet + of fine drawing paper was a greater temptation than money sufficient to + have purchased a ream. This unreasonable caprice is connected with one + of the most striking singularities of my character, and has so far + influenced my conduct, that it requires a particular explanation. + </p> + <p> + My passions are extremely violent; while under their influence, nothing + can equal my impetuosity; I am an absolute stranger to discretion, + respect, fear, or decorum; rude, saucy, violent, and intrepid: no shame + can stop, no danger intimidate me. My mind is frequently so engrossed by + a single object, that beyond it the whole world is not worth a thought; + this is the enthusiasm of a moment, the next, perhaps, I am plunged in a + state of annihilation. Take me in my moments of tranquility, I am + indolence and timidity itself; a word to speak, the least trifle to + perform, appear an intolerable labor; everything alarms and terrifies + me; the very buzzing of a fly will make me shudder; I am so subdued by + fear and shame, that I would gladly shield myself from mortal view. + </p> + <p> + When obliged to exert myself, I am ignorant what to do! when forced to + speak, I am at a loss for words; and if any one looks at me, I am + instantly out of countenance. If animated with my subject, I express my + thoughts with ease, but, in ordinary conversations, I can say nothing—absolutely + nothing; and, being obliged to speak, renders them insupportable. + </p> + <p> + I may add, that none of my predominant inclinations centre in those + pleasures which are to be purchased: money empoisons my delight; I must + have them unadulterated; I love those of the table, for instance, but + cannot endure the restraints of good company, or the intemperance of + taverns; I can enjoy them only with a friend, for alone it is equally + impossible; my imagination is then so occupied with other things, that I + find no pleasure in eating. Women who are to be purchased have no charms + for me; my beating heart cannot be satisfied without affection; it is + the same with every other enjoyment, if not truly disinterested, they + are absolutely insipid; in a word, I am fond of those things which are + only estimable to minds formed for the peculiar enjoyment of them. + </p> + <p> + I never thought money so desirable as it is usually imagined; if you + would enjoy you must transform it; and this transformation is frequently + attended with inconvenience; you must bargain, purchase, pay dear, be + badly served, and often duped. I buy an egg, am assured it is new-laid—I + find it stale; fruit in its utmost perfection—'tis absolutely + green. I love good wine, but where shall I get it? Not at my wine + merchant's—he will poison me to a certainty. I wish to be + universally respected; how shall I compass my design? I must make + friends, send messages, write letters, come, go, wait, and be frequently + deceived. Money is the perpetual source of uneasiness; I fear it more + than I love good wine. + </p> + <p> + A thousand times, both during and since my apprenticeship, have I gone + out to purchase some nicety, I approach the pastry-cook's, perceive some + women at the counter, and imagine they are laughing at me. I pass a + fruit shop, see some fine pears, their appearance tempts me; but then + two or three young people are near, or a man I am acquainted with is + standing at the door; I take all that pass for persons I have some + knowledge of, and my near sight contributes to deceive me. I am + everywhere intimidated, restrained by some obstacle, and with money in + my pocket return as I went, for want of resolution to purchase what I + long for. + </p> + <p> + I should enter into the most insipid details was I to relate the + trouble, shame, repugnance, and inconvenience of all kinds which I have + experienced in parting with my money, whether in my own person, or by + the agency of others; as I proceed, the reader will get acquainted with + my disposition, and perceive all this without my troubling him with the + recital. + </p> + <p> + This once comprehended, one of my apparent contradictions will be easily + accounted for, and the most sordid avarice reconciled with the greatest + contempt of money. It is a movable which I consider of so little value, + that, when destitute of it, I never wish to acquire any; and when I have + a sum I keep it by me, for want of knowing how to dispose of it to my + satisfaction; but let an agreeable and convenient opportunity present + itself, and I empty my purse with the utmost freedom; not that I would + have the reader imagine I am extravagant from a motive of ostentation, + quite the reverse; it was ever in subservience to my pleasures, and, + instead of glorying in expense, I endeavor to conceal it. I so well + perceive that money is not made to answer my purposes, that I am almost + ashamed to have any, and, still more, to make use of it. + </p> + <p> + Had I ever possessed a moderate independence, I am convinced I should + have had no propensity to become avaricious. I should have required no + more, and cheerfully lived up to my income; but my precarious situation + has constantly and necessarily kept me in fear. I love liberty, and I + loathe constraint, dependence, and all their kindred annoyances. As long + as my purse contains money it secures my independence, and exempts me + from the trouble of seeking other money, a trouble of which I have + always had a perfect horror; and the dread of seeing the end of my + independence, makes me proportionately unwilling to part with my money. + The money that we possess is the instrument of liberty, that which we + lack and strive to obtain is the instrument of slavery. Thence it is + that I hold fast to aught that I have, and yet covet nothing more. + </p> + <p> + My disinterestedness, then, is in reality only idleness, the pleasure of + possessing is not in my estimation worth the trouble of acquiring: and + my dissipation is only another form of idleness; when we have an + opportunity of disbursing pleasantly we should make the best possible + use of it. + </p> + <p> + I am less tempted by money than by other objects, because between the + moment of possessing the money and that of using it to obtain the + desired object there is always an interval, however short; whereas to + possess the thing is to enjoy it. I see a thing and it tempts me; but if + I see not the thing itself but only the means of acquiring it, I am not + tempted. Therefore it is that I have been a pilferer, and am so even + now, in the way of mere trifles to which I take a fancy, and which I + find it easier to take than to ask for; but I never in my life recollect + having taken a farthing from any one, except about fifteen years ago, + when I stole seven francs and ten sous. The story is worth recounting, + as it exhibits a concurrence of ignorance and stupidity I should + scarcely credit, did it relate to any but myself. + </p> + <p> + It was in Paris: I was walking with M. de Franceul at the Palais Royal; + he pulled out his watch, he looked at it, and said to me, "Suppose we go + to the opera?"—"With all my heart." We go: he takes two box + tickets, gives me one, and enters himself with the other; I follow, find + the door crowded; and, looking in, see every one standing; judging, + therefore, that M. de Franceul might suppose me concealed by the + company, I go out, ask for my ticket, and, getting the money returned, + leave the house, without considering, that by then I had reached the + door every one would be seated, and M. de Franceul might readily + perceive I was not there. + </p> + <p> + As nothing could be more opposite to my natural inclination than this + abominable meanness, I note it, to show there are moments of delirium + when men ought not to be judged by their actions: this was not stealing + the money, it was only stealing the use of it, and was the more infamous + for wanting the excuse of a temptation. + </p> + <p> + I should never end these accounts, was I to describe all the gradations + through which I passed, during my apprenticeship, from the sublimity of + a hero to the baseness of a villain. Though I entered into most of the + vices of my situation, I had no relish for its pleasures; the amusements + of my companions were displeasing, and when too much restraint had made + my business wearisome, I had nothing to amuse me. This renewed my taste + for reading which had long been neglected. I thus committed a fresh + offence, books made me neglect my work, and brought on additional + punishment, while inclination, strengthened by constraint, became an + unconquerable passion. La Tribu, a well-known librarian, furnished me + with all kinds; good or bad, I perused them with avidity, and without + discrimination. + </p> + <p> + It will be said; "at length, then, money became necessary"—true; + but this happened at a time when a taste for study had deprived me both + of resolution and activity; totally occupied by this new inclination, I + only wished to read, I robbed no longer. This is another of my + peculiarities; a mere nothing frequently calls me off from what I appear + the most attached to; I give in to the new idea; it becomes a passion, + and immediately every former desire is forgotten. + </p> + <p> + Reading was my new hobby; my heart beat with impatience to run over the + new book I carried in my pocket; the first moment I was alone, I seized + the opportunity to draw it out, and thought no longer of rummaging my + master's closet. I was even ashamed to think that I had been guilty of + such meanness; and had my amusements been more expensive, I no longer + felt an inclination to continue it. La Tribu gave me credit, and when + once I had the book in my possession, I thought no more of the trifle I + was to pay for it; as money came it naturally passed to this woman; and + when she chanced to be pressing, nothing was so conveniently at hand as + my own effects; to steal in advance required foresight, and robbing to + pay was no temptation. + </p> + <p> + The frequent blows I received from my master, with my private and + ill-chosen studies, rendered me reserved, unsociable, and almost + deranged my reason. Though my taste had not preserved me from silly + unmeaning books, by good fortune I was a stranger to licentious or + obscene ones; not that La Tribu (who was very accommodating) had any + scruple of lending these, on the contrary, to enhance their worth she + spoke of them with an air of mystery; this produced an effect she had + not foreseen, for both shame and disgust made me constantly refuse them. + Chance so well seconded my bashful disposition, that I was past the age + of thirty before I saw any of those dangerous compositions. + </p> + <p> + In less than a year I had exhausted La Tribu's scanty library, and was + unhappy for want of further amusement. My reading, though frequently + bad, had worn off my childish follies, and brought back my heart to + nobler sentiments than my condition had inspired; meantime disgusted + with all within my reach, and thinking everything charming that was out + of it, my present situation appeared extremely miserable. My passions + began to acquire strength, I felt their influence, without knowing + whither they would conduct me. I sometimes, indeed, thought of my former + follies, but sought no further. + </p> + <p> + At this time my imagination took a turn which helped to calm my + increasing emotions; it was, to contemplate those situations in the + books I had read, which produced the most striking effect on my mind; to + recall, combine, and apply them to myself in such a manner, as to become + one of the personages my recollection presented, and be continually in + those fancied circumstances which were most agreeable to my + inclinations; in a word, by contriving to place myself in these + fictitious situations, the idea of my real one was in a great measure + obliterated. + </p> + <p> + This fondness for imaginary objects, and the facility with which I could + gain possession of them, completed my disgust for everything around me, + and fixed that inclination for solitude which has ever since been + predominant. We shall have more than once occasion to remark the effects + of a disposition, misanthropic and melancholy in appearance, but which + proceed, in fact, from a heart too affectionate, too ardent, which, for + want of similar dispositions, is constrained to content itself with + nonentities, and be satisfied with fiction. It is sufficient, at + present, to have traced the origin of a propensity which has modified my + passions, set bounds to each, and by giving too much ardor to my wishes, + has ever rendered me too indolent to obtain them. + </p> + <p> + Thus I attained my sixteenth year, uneasy, discontented with myself and + everything that surrounded me; displeased with my occupation; without + enjoying the pleasures common to my age, weeping without a cause, + sighing I knew not why, and fond of my chimerical ideas for want of more + valuable realities. + </p> + <p> + Every Sunday, after sermon-time, my companions came to fetch me out, + wishing me to partake of their diversions. I would willingly have been + excused, but when once engaged in amusement, I was more animated and + enterprising than any of them; it was equally difficult to engage or + restrain me; indeed, this was ever a leading trait in my character. In + our country walks I was ever foremost, and never thought of returning + till reminded by some of my companions. I was twice obliged to be from + my master's the whole night, the city gates having been shut before I + could reach them. The reader may imagine what treatment this procured me + the following mornings; but I was promised such a reception for the + third, that I made a firm resolution never to expose myself to the + danger of it. Notwithstanding my determination, I repeated this dreaded + transgression, my vigilance having been rendered useless by a cursed + captain, named M. Minutoli, who, when on guard, always shut the gate he + had charge of an hour before the usual time. I was returning home with + my two companions, and had got within half a league of the city, when I + heard them beat the tattoo; I redouble my pace, I run with my utmost + speed, I approach the bridge, see the soldiers already at their posts, I + call out to them in a suffocated voice—it is too late; I am twenty + paces from the guard, the first bridge is already drawn up, and I + tremble to see those terrible horns advanced in the air which announce + the fatal and inevitable destiny, which from this moment began to pursue + me. + </p> + <p> + I threw myself on the glacis in a transport of despair, while my + companions, who only laughed at the accident, immediately determined + what to do. My resolution, though different from theirs, was equally + sudden; on the spot, I swore never to return to my master's, and the + next morning, when my companions entered the city, I bade them an + eternal adieu, conjuring them at the same time to inform my cousin + Bernard of my resolution, and the place where he might see me for the + last time. + </p> + <p> + From the commencement of my apprenticeship I had seldom seen him; at + first, indeed, we saw each other on Sundays, but each acquiring + different habits, our meetings were less frequent. I am persuaded his + mother contributed greatly towards this change; he was to consider + himself as a person of consequence, I was a pitiful apprentice; + notwithstanding our relationship, equality no longer subsisted between + us, and it was degrading himself to frequent my company. As he had a + natural good heart his mother's lessons did not take an immediate + effect, and for some time he continued to visit me. + </p> + <p> + Having learned my resolution, he hastened to the spot I had appointed, + not, however, to dissuade me from it, but to render my flight agreeable, + by some trifling presents, as my own resources would not have carried me + far. He gave me among other things, a small sword, which I was very + proud of, and took with me as far as Turin, where absolute want + constrained me to dispose of it. The more I reflect on his behavior at + this critical moment, the more I am persuaded he followed the + instructions of his mother, and perhaps his father likewise: for, had he + been left to his own feelings, he would have endeavored to retain, or + have been tempted to accompany me; on the contrary, he encouraged the + design, and when he saw me resolutely determined to pursue it, without + seeming much affected, left me to my fate. We never saw or wrote to each + other from that time; I cannot but regret this loss, for his heart was + essentially good, and we seemed formed for a more lasting friendship. + </p> + <p> + Before I abandon myself to the fatality of my destiny, let me + contemplate for a moment the prospect that awaited me had I fallen into + the hands of a better master. Nothing could have been more agreeable to + my disposition, or more likely to confer happiness, than the peaceful + condition of a good artificer, in so respectable a line as engravers are + considered at Geneva. I could have obtained an easy subsistence, if not + a fortune; this would have bounded my ambition; I should have had means + to indulge in moderate pleasures, and should have continued in my + natural sphere, without meeting with any temptation to go beyond it. + Having an imagination sufficiently fertile to embellish with its + chimeras every situation, and powerful enough to transport me from one + to another, it was immaterial in which I was fixed: that was best + adapted to me, which, requiring the least care or exertion, left the + mind most at liberty; and this happiness I should have enjoyed. In my + native country, in the bosom of my religion, family and friends, I + should have passed a calm and peaceful life, in the uniformity of a + pleasing occupation, and among connections dear to my heart. I should + have been a good Christian, a good citizen, a good friend, a good man. I + should have relished my condition, perhaps have been an honor to it, and + after having passed a life of happy obscurity, surrounded by my family, + I should have died at peace. Soon it may be forgotten, but while + remembered it would have been with tenderness and regret. + </p> + <p> + Instead of this—what a picture am I about to draw!—Alas! why + should I anticipate the miseries I have endured? The reader will have + but too much of the melancholy subject. + </p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> <a name="link2"></a> <br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK II. + </h1> + <br /><br /> + <p> + The moment in which fear had instigated my flight, did not seem more + terrible than that wherein I put my design in execution appeared + delightful. To leave my relations, my resources, while yet a child, in + the midst of my apprenticeship, before I had learned enough of my + business to obtain a subsistence; to run on inevitable misery and + danger: to expose myself in that age of weakness and innocence to all + the temptations of vice and despair; to set out in search of errors, + misfortunes, snares, slavery, and death; to endure more intolerable + evils than those I meant to shun, was the picture I should have drawn, + the natural consequence of my hazardous enterprise. How different was + the idea I entertained of it!—The independence I seemed to possess + was the sole object of my contemplation; having obtained my liberty, I + thought everything attainable: I entered with confidence on the vast + theatre of the world, which my merit was to captivate: at every step I + expected to find amusements, treasures, and adventures; friends ready to + serve, and mistresses eager to please me; I had but to show myself, and + the whole universe would be interested in my concerns; not but I could + have been content with something less; a charming society, with + sufficient means, might have satisfied me. My moderation was such, that + the sphere in which I proposed to shine was rather circumscribed, but + then it was to possess the very quintessence of enjoyment, and myself + the principal object. A single castle, for instance, might have bounded + my ambition; could I have been the favorite of the lord and lady, the + daughter's lover, the son's friend, and protector of the neighbors, I + might have been tolerably content, and sought no further. + </p> + <p> + In expectation of this modest fortune, I passed a few days in the + environs of the city, with some country people of my acquaintance, who + received me with more kindness than I should have met with in town; they + welcomed, lodged, and fed me cheerfully; I could be said to live on + charity, these favors were not conferred with a sufficient appearance of + superiority to furnish out the idea. + </p> + <p> + I rambled about in this manner till I got to Confignon, in Savoy, at + about two leagues distance from Geneva. The vicar was called M. de + Pontverre; this name, so famous in the history of the Republic, caught + my attention; I was curious to see what appearance the descendants of + the gentlemen of the spoon exhibited; I went, therefore, to visit this + M. de Pontverre, and was received with great civility. + </p> + <p> + He spoke of the heresy of Geneva, declaimed on the authority of holy + mother church, and then invited me to dinner. I had little to object to + arguments which had so desirable a conclusion, and was inclined to + believe that priests, who gave such excellent dinners, might be as good + as our ministers. Notwithstanding M. de Pontverre's pedigree, I + certainly possessed most learning; but I rather sought to be a good + companion than an expert theologian; and his Frangi wine, which I + thought delicious, argued so powerfully on his side, that I should have + blushed at silencing so kind a host; I, therefore, yielded him the + victory, or rather declined the contest. Any one who had observed my + precaution, would certainly have pronounced me a dissembler, though, in + fact, I was only courteous. + </p> + <p> + Flattery, or rather condescension, is not always a vice in young people; + 'tis oftener a virtue. When treated with kindness, it is natural to feel + an attachment for the person who confers the obligation; we do not + acquiesce because we wish to deceive, but from dread of giving + uneasiness, or because we wish to avoid the ingratitude of rendering + evil for good. What interest had M. de Pontverre in entertaining, + treating with respect, and endeavoring to convince me? None but mine; my + young heart told me this, and I was penetrated with gratitude and + respect for the generous priest; I was sensible of my superiority, but + scorned to repay his hospitality by taking advantage of it. I had no + conception of hypocrisy in this forbearance, or thought of changing my + religion, nay, so far was the idea from being familiar to me, that I + looked on it with a degree of horror which seemed to exclude the + possibility of such an event; I only wished to avoid giving offence to + those I was sensible caressed me from that motive; I wished to cultivate + their good opinion, and meantime leave them the hope of success by + seeming less on my guard than I really was. My conduct in this + particular resembled the coquetry of some very honest women, who, to + obtain their wishes, without permitting or promising anything, sometimes + encourage hopes they never mean to realize. + </p> + <p> + Reason, piety, and love of order, certainly demanded that instead of + being encouraged in my folly, I should have been dissuaded from the ruin + I was courting, and sent back to my family; and this conduct any one + that was actuated by genuine virtue would have pursued; but it should be + observed that though M. de Pontverre was a religious man, he was not a + virtuous one, but a bigot, who knew no virtue except worshipping images + and telling his beads, in a word, a kind of missionary, who thought the + height of merit consisted in writing libels against the ministers of + Geneva. Far from wishing to send me back, he endeavored to favor my + escape, and put it out of my power to return even had I been so + disposed. It was a thousand to one but he was sending me to perish with + hunger, or become a villain; but all this was foreign to his purpose; he + saw a soul snatched from heresy, and restored to the bosom of the + church: whether I was an honest man or a knave was very immaterial, + provided I went to mass. + </p> + <p> + This ridiculous mode of thinking is not peculiar to Catholics; it is the + voice of every dogmatical persuasion where merit consists in belief, and + not in virtue. + </p> + <p> + "You are called by the Almighty," said M. de Pontverre; "go to Annecy, + where you will find a good and charitable lady, whom the bounty of the + king enables to turn souls from those errors she has happily renounced." + He spoke of a Madam de Warrens, a new convert, to whom the priests + contrived to send those wretches who were disposed to sell their faith, + and with these she was in a manner constrained to share a pension of two + thousand francs bestowed on her by the King of Sardinia. I felt myself + extremely humiliated at being supposed to want the assistance of a good + and charitable lady. I had no objection to be accommodated with + everything I stood in need of, but did not wish to receive it on the + footing of charity and to owe this obligation to a devotee was still + worse; notwithstanding my scruples the persuasions of M. de Pontverre, + the dread of perishing with hunger, the pleasures I promised myself from + the journey, and hope of obtaining some desirable situation, determined + me; and I set out though reluctantly, for Annecy. I could easily have + reached it in a day, but being in no great haste to arrive there, it + took me three. My head was filled with the ideas of adventures, and I + approached every country-seat I saw in my way, in expectation of having + them realized. I had too much timidity to knock at the doors, or even + enter if I saw them open, but I did what I dared—which was to sing + under those windows that I thought had the most favorable appearance; + and was very much disconcerted to find I wasted my breath to no purpose, + and that neither old nor young ladies were attracted by the melody of my + voice, or the wit of my poetry, though some songs my companions had + taught me I thought excellent and that I sung them incomparably. At + length I arrived at Annecy, and saw Madam de Warrens. + </p> + <p> + As this period of my life, in a great measure, determined my character, + I could not resolve to pass it lightly over. I was in the middle of my + sixteenth year, and though I could not be called handsome, was well made + for my height; I had a good foot, a well turned leg, and animated + countenance; a well proportioned mouth, black hair and eyebrows, and my + eyes, though small and rather too far in my head, sparkling with + vivacity, darted that innate fire which inflamed my blood; unfortunately + for me, I knew nothing of all this, never having bestowed a single + thought on my person till it was too late to be of any service to me. + The timidity common to my age was heightened by a natural benevolence, + which made me dread the idea of giving pain. Though my mind had received + some cultivation, having seen nothing of the world, I was an absolute + stranger to polite address, and my mental acquisitions, so far from + supplying this defect, only served to increase my embarrassment, by + making me sensible of every deficiency. + </p> + <p> + Depending little, therefore, on external appearances, I had recourse to + other expedients: I wrote a most elaborate letter, where, mingling all + the flowers of rhetoric which I had borrowed from books with the phrases + of an apprentice, I endeavored to strike the attention, and insure the + good will of Madam de Warrens. I enclosed M. de Pontverre's letter in my + own and waited on the lady with a heart palpitating with fear and + expectation. It was Palm Sunday, of the year 1728; I was informed she + was that moment gone to church; I hasten after her, overtake, and speak + to her.—The place is yet fresh in my memory—how can it be + otherwise? often have I moistened it with my tears and covered it with + kisses.—Why cannot I enclose with gold the happy spot, and render + it the object of universal veneration? Whoever wishes to honor monuments + of human salvation would only approach it on their knees. + </p> + <p> + It was a passage at the back of the house, bordered on the left hand by + a little rivulet, which separated it from the garden, and, on the right, + by the court yard wall; at the end was a private door which opened into + the church of the Cordeliers. Madam de Warrens was just passing this + door; but on hearing my voice, instantly turned about. What an effect + did the sight of her produce! I expected to see a devout, forbidding old + woman; M. de Pontverre's pious and worthy lady could be no other in my + conception; instead of which, I see a face beaming with charms, fine + blue eyes full of sweetness, a complexion whose whiteness dazzled the + sight, the form of an enchanting neck, nothing escaped the eager eye of + the young proselyte; for that instant I was hers!—a religion + preached by such missionaries must lead to paradise! + </p> + <p> + My letter was presented with a trembling hand; she took it with a smile—opened + it, glanced an eye over M. de Pontverre's and again returned to mine, + which she read through and would have read again, had not the footman + that instant informed her that service was beginning—"Child," said + she, in a tone of voice which made every nerve vibrate, "you are + wandering about at an early age—it is really a pity!"—and + without waiting for an answer, added—"Go to my house, bid them + give you something for breakfast, after mass, I will speak to you." + </p> + <p> + Louisa—Eleanora de Warrens was of the noble and ancient family of + La Tour de Pit, of Vevay, a city in the country of the Vaudois. She was + married very young to a M. de Warrens, of the house of Loys, eldest son + of M. de Villardin, of Lausanne; there were no children by this + marriage, which was far from being a happy one. Some domestic uneasiness + made Madam de Warrens take the resolution of crossing the Lake, and + throwing herself at the feet of Victor Amadeus, who was then at Evian; + thus abandoning her husband, family, and country by a giddiness similar + to mine, which precipitation she, too, has found sufficient time and + reason to lament. + </p> + <p> + The king, who was fond of appearing a zealous promoter of the Catholic + faith, took her under his protection, and complimented her with a + pension of fifteen hundred livres of Piedmont, which was a considerable + appointment for a prince who never had the character of being generous; + but finding his liberality made some conjecture he had an affection for + the lady, he sent her to Annecy escorted by a detachment of his guards, + where, under the direction of Michael Gabriel de Bernex, titular bishop + of Geneva, she abjured her former religion at the Convent of the + Visitation. + </p> + <p> + I came to Annecy just six years after this event; Madam de Warrens was + then eight—and—twenty, being born with the century. Her + beauty, consisting more in the expressive animation of the countenance, + than a set of features, was in its meridian; her manner soothing and + tender; an angelic smile played about her mouth, which was small and + delicate; she wore her hair (which was of an ash color, and uncommonly + beautiful) with an air of negligence that made her appear still more + interesting; she was short, and rather thick for her height, though by + no means disagreeably so; but there could not be a more lovely face, a + finer neck, or hands and arms more exquisitely formed. + </p> + <p> + Her education had been derived from such a variety of sources, that it + formed an extraordinary assemblage. Like me, she had lost her mother at + her birth, and had received instruction as it chanced to present itself; + she had learned something of her governess, something of her father, a + little of her masters, but copiously from her lovers; particularly a M. + de Tavel, who, possessing both taste and information, endeavored to + adorn with them the mind of her he loved. These various instructions, + not being properly arranged, tended to impede each other, and she did + not acquire that degree of improvement her natural good sense was + capable of receiving; she knew something of philosophy and physic, but + not enough to eradicate the fondness she had imbibed from her father for + empiricism and alchemy; she made elixirs, tinctures, balsams, pretended + to secrets, and prepared magestry; while quacks and pretenders, + profiting by her weakness, destroyed her property among furnaces, drugs + and minerals, diminishing those charms and accomplishments which might + have been the delight of the most elegant circles. But though these + interested wretches took advantage of her ill-applied education to + obscure her natural good sense, her excellent heart retained its purity; + her amiable mildness, sensibility for the unfortunate, inexhaustible + bounty, and open, cheerful frankness, knew no variation; even at the + approach of old age, when attacked by various calamities, rendered more + cutting by indigence, the serenity of her disposition preserved to the + end of her life the pleasing gayety of her happiest days. + </p> + <p> + Her errors proceeded from an inexhaustible fund of activity, which + demanded perpetual employment. She found no satisfaction in the + customary intrigues of her sex, but, being formed for vast designs, + sought the direction of important enterprises and discoveries. In her + place Madam de Longueville would have been a mere trifler, in Madam de + Longueville's situation she would have governed the state. Her talents + did not accord with her fortune; what would have gained her distinction + in a more elevated sphere, became her ruin. In enterprises which suited + her disposition, she arranged the plan in her imagination, which was + ever carried of its utmost extent, and the means she employed being + proportioned rather to her ideas than abilities, she failed by the + mismanagement of those upon whom she depended, and was ruined where + another would scarce have been a loser. This active disposition, which + involved her in so many difficulties, was at least productive of one + benefit as it prevented her from passing the remainder of her life in + the monastic asylum she had chosen, which she had some thought of. The + simple and uniform life of a nun, and the little cabals and gossipings + of their parlor, were not adapted to a mind vigorous and active, which, + every day forming new systems, had occasions for liberty to attempt + their completion. + </p> + <p> + The good bishop of Bernex, with less wit than Francis of Sales, + resembled him in many particulars, and Madam de Warrens, whom he loved + to call his daughter, and who was like Madam de Chantel in several + respects, might have increased the resemblance by retiring like her from + the world, had she not been disgusted with the idle trifling of a + convent. It was not want of zeal prevented this amiable woman from + giving those proofs of devotion which might have been expected from a + new convert, under the immediate direction of a prelate. Whatever might + have influenced her to change her religion, she was certainly sincere in + that she had embraced; she might find sufficient occasion to repent + having abjured her former faith, but no inclination to return to it. She + not only died a good Catholic, but truly lived one; nay, I dare affirm + (and I think I have had the opportunity to read the secrets of her + heart) that it was only her aversion to singularity that prevented her + acting the devotee in public; in a word, her piety was too sincere to + give way to any affectation of it. But this is not the place to enlarge + on her principles: I shall find other occasions to speak of them. + </p> + <p> + Let those who deny the existence of a sympathy of souls, explain, if + they know how, why the first glance, the first word of Madam de Warrens + inspired me, not only with a lively attachment, but with the most + unbounded confidence, which has since known no abatement. Say this was + love (which will at least appear doubtful to those who read the sequel + of our attachment) how could this passion be attended with sentiments + which scarce ever accompany its commencement, such as peace, serenity, + security, and confidence. How, when making application to an amiable and + polished woman, whose situation in life was so superior to mine, so far + above any I had yet approached, on whom, in a great measure, depended my + future fortune by the degree of interest she might take in it; how, I + say with so many reasons to depress me, did I feel myself as free, as + much at my ease, as if I had been perfectly secure of pleasing her! Why + did I not experience a moment of embarrassment, timidity or restraint? + Naturally bashful, easily confused, having seen nothing of the world, + could I, the first time, the first moment I beheld her, adopt caressing + language, and a familiar tone, as readily as after ten years' intimacy + had rendered these freedoms natural? Is it possible to possess love, I + will not say without desires, for I certainly had them, but without + inquietude, without jealousy? Can we avoid feeling an anxious wish at + least to know whether our affection is returned? Yet such a question + never entered my imagination; I should as soon have inquired, do I love + myself; nor did she ever express a greater degree of curiosity; there + was, certainly, something extraordinary in my attachment to this + charming woman and it will be found in the sequel, that some + extravagances, which cannot be foreseen, attended it. + </p> + <p> + What could be done for me, was the present question, and in order to + discuss the point with greater freedom, she made me dine with her. This + was the first meal in my life where I had experienced a want of + appetite, and her woman, who waited, observed it was the first time she + had seen a traveller of my age and appearance deficient in that + particular: this remark, which did me no injury in the opinion of her + mistress, fell hard on an overgrown clown, who was my fellow guest, and + devoured sufficient to have served at least six moderate feeders. For + me, I was too much charmed to think of eating; my heart began to imbibe + a delicious sensation, which engrossed my whole being, and left no room + for other objects. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Warrens wished to hear the particulars of my little history—all + the vivacity I had lost during my servitude returned and assisted the + recital. In proportion to the interest this excellent woman took in my + story, did she lament the fate to which I had exposed myself; compassion + was painted on her features, and expressed by every action. She could + not exhort me to return to Geneva, being too well aware that her words + and actions were strictly scrutinized, and that such advice would be + thought high treason against Catholicism, but she spoke so feelingly of + the affliction I must give her(my) father, that it was easy to perceive + she would have approved my returning to console him. Alas! she little + thought how powerfully this pleaded against herself; the more eloquently + persuasive she appeared, the less could I resolve to tear myself from + her. I knew that returning to Geneva would be putting an insuperable + barrier between us, unless I repeated the expedient which had brought me + here, and it was certainly better to preserve than expose myself to the + danger of a relapse; besides all this, my conduct was predetermined, I + was resolved not to return. Madam de Warrens, seeing her endeavors would + be fruitless, became less explicit, and only added, with an air of + commiseration, "Poor child! thou must go where Providence directs thee, + but one day thou wilt think of me."—I believe she had no + conception at that time how fatally her prediction would be verified. + </p> + <p> + The difficulty still remained how I was to gain a subsistence? I have + already observed that I knew too little of engraving for that to furnish + my resource, and had I been more expert, Savoy was too poor a country to + give much encouragement to the arts. The above-mentioned glutton, who + eat for us as well as himself, being obliged to pause in order to gain + some relaxation from the fatigue of it, imparted a piece of advice, + which, according to him, came express from Heaven; though to judge by + its effects it appeared to have been dictated from a direct contrary + quarter: this was that I should go to Turin, where, in a hospital + instituted for the instruction of catechumens, I should find food, both + spiritual and temporal, be reconciled to the bosom of the church, and + meet with some charitable Christians, who would make it a point to + procure me a situation that would turn to my advantage. "In regard to + the expenses of the journey," continued our advisor, "his grace, my lord + bishop, will not be backward, when once madam has proposed this holy + work, to offer his charitable donation, and madam, the baroness, whose + charity is so well known," once more addressing himself to the + continuation of his meal, "will certainly contribute." + </p> + <p> + I was by no means pleased with all these charities; I said nothing, but + my heart was ready to burst with vexation. Madam de Warrens, who did not + seem to think so highly of this expedient as the projector pretended to + do, contented herself by saying, everyone should endeavor to promote + good actions, and that she would mention it to his lordship; but the + meddling devil, who had some private interest in this affair, and + questioned whether she would urge it to his satisfaction, took care to + acquaint the almoners with my story, and so far influenced those good + priests, that when Madam de Warrens, who disliked the journey on my + account, mentioned it to the bishop, she found it so far concluded on, + that he immediately put into her hands the money designed for my little + viaticum. She dared not advance anything against it; I was approaching + an age when a woman like her could not, with any propriety, appear + anxious to retain me. + </p> + <p> + My departure being thus determined by those who undertook the management + of my concerns, I had only to submit; and I did it without much + repugnance. Though Turin was at a greater distance from Madam de Warrens + than Geneva, yet being the capital of the country I was now in, it + seemed to have more connection with Annecy than a city under a different + government and of a contrary religion; besides, as I undertook this + journey in obedience to her, I considered myself as living under her + direction, which was more flattering than barely to continue in the + neighborhood; to sum up all, the idea of a long journey coincided with + my insurmountable passion for rambling, which already began to + demonstrate itself. To pass the mountains, to my eye appeared + delightful; how charming the reflection of elevating myself above my + companions by the whole height of the Alps! To see the world is an + almost irresistible temptation to a Genevan, accordingly I gave my + consent. + </p> + <p> + He who suggested the journey was to set off in two days with his wife. I + was recommended to their care; they were likewise made my purse-bearers, + which had been augmented by Madam de Warrens, who, not contented with + these kindnesses, added secretly a pecuniary reinforcement, attended + with the most ample instructions, and we departed on the Wednesday + before Easter. + </p> + <p> + The day following, my father arrived at Annecy, accompanied by his + friend, a Mr. Rival, who was likewise a watchmaker; he was a man of + sense and letters, who wrote better verses than La Motte, and spoke + almost as well; what is still more to his praise, he was a man of the + strictest integrity, but whose taste for literature only served to make + one of his sons a comedian. Having traced me to the house of Madam de + Warrens, they contented themselves with lamenting, like her, my fate, + instead of overtaking me, which, (as they were on horseback and I on + foot) they might have accomplished with the greatest ease. + </p> + <p> + My uncle Bernard did the same thing, he arrived at Consignon, received + information that I was gone to Annecy, and immediately returned back to + Geneva; thus my nearest relations seemed to have conspired with my + adverse stars to consign me to misery and ruin. By a similar negligence, + my brother was so entirely lost, that it was never known what was become + of him. + </p> + <p> + My father was not only a man of honor but of the strictest probity, and + endured with that magnanimity which frequently produces the most shining + virtues: I may add, he was a good father, particularly to me whom he + tenderly loved; but he likewise loved his pleasures, and since we had + been separated other connections had weakened his paternal affections. + He had married again at Nion, and though his second wife was too old to + expect children, she had relations; my father was united to another + family, surrounded by other objects, and a variety of cares prevented my + returning to his remembrance. He was in the decline of life and had + nothing to support the inconveniences of old age; my mother's property + devolved to me and my brother, but, during our absence, the interest of + it was enjoyed by my father: I do not mean to infer that this + consideration had an immediate effect on his conduct, but it had an + imperceptible one, and prevented him making use of that exertion to + regain me which he would otherwise have employed; and this, I think, was + the reason that having traced me as far as Annecy, he stopped short, + without proceeding to Chambery, where he was almost certain I should be + found; and likewise accounts why, on visiting him several times since my + flight, he always received me with great kindness, but never made any + efforts to retain me. + </p> + <p> + This conduct in a father, whose affection and virtue I was so well + convinced of, has given birth to reflections on the regulation of my own + conduct which have greatly contributed to preserve the integrity of my + heart. It has taught me this great lesson of morality, perhaps the only + one that can have any conspicuous influence on our actions, that we + should ever carefully avoid putting our interests in competition with + our duty, or promise ourselves felicity from the misfortunes of others; + certain that in such circumstances, however sincere our love of virtue + may be, sooner or later it will give way and we shall imperceptibly + become unjust and wicked, in fact, however upright in our intentions. + </p> + <p> + This maxim, strongly imprinted on my mind, and reduced, though rather + too late, to practice, has given my conduct an appearance of folly and + whimsicality, not only in public, but still more among my acquaintances: + it has been said, I affected originality, and sought to act different + from other people; the truth is, I neither endeavor to conform or be + singular, I desire only to act virtuously and avoid situations, which, + by setting my interest in opposition to that of another person's, might + inspire me with a secret, though involuntary wish to his disadvantage. + </p> + <p> + Two years ago, My Lord Marshal would have put my name in his will, which + I took every method to prevent, assuring him I would not for the world + know myself in the will of any one, much less in his; he gave up the + idea; but insisted in return, that I should accept an annuity on his + life; this I consented to. It will be said, I find my account in the + alteration; perhaps I may; but oh, my benefactor! my father, I am now + sensible that, should I have the misfortune to survive thee, I should + have everything to lose, nothing to gain. + </p> + <p> + This, in my idea, in true philosophy, the surest bulwark of human + rectitude; every day do I receive fresh conviction of its profound + solidity. I have endeavored to recommend it in all my latter writings, + but the multitude read too superficially to have made the remark. If I + survive my present undertaking, and am able to begin another, I mean, in + a continuation of Emilius, to give such a lively and marking example of + this maxim as cannot fail to strike attention. But I have made + reflections enough for a traveller, it is time to continue my journey. + </p> + <p> + It turned out more agreeable than I expected: my clownish conductor was + not so morose as he appeared to be. He was a middle-aged man, wore his + black, grizzly hair, in a queue, had a martial air, a strong voice, was + tolerably cheerful, and to make up for not having been taught any trade, + could turn his hand to every one. Having proposed to establish some kind + of manufactory at Annecy, he had consulted Madam de Warrens, who + immediately gave into the project, and he was now going to Turin to lay + the plan before the minister and get his approbation, for which journey + he took care to be well rewarded. + </p> + <p> + This drole had the art of ingratiating himself with the priests, whom he + ever appeared eager to serve; he adopted a certain jargon which he had + learned by frequenting their company, and thought himself a notable + preacher; he could even repeat one passage from the Bible in Latin, and + it answered his purpose as well as if he had known a thousand, for he + repeated it a thousand times a day. He was seldom at a loss for money + when he knew what purse contained it; yet, was rather artful than + knavish, and when dealing out in an affected tone his unmeaning + discourses, resembled Peter the Hermit, preaching up the crusade with a + sabre at his side. + </p> + <p> + Madam Sabran, his wife, was a tolerable, good sort of woman; more + peaceable by day than by night; as I slept in the same chamber I was + frequently disturbed by her wakefulness, and should have been more so + had I comprehended the cause of it; but I was in the chapter of + dullness, which left to nature the whole care of my own instruction. + </p> + <p> + I went on gayly with my pious guide and his hopeful companion, no + sinister accident impeding our journey. I was in the happiest + circumstances both of mind and body that I ever recollect having + experienced; young, full of health and security, placing unbounded + confidence in myself and others; in that short but charming moment of + human life, whose expansive energy carries, if I may so express myself, + our being to the utmost extent of our sensations, embellishing all + nature with an inexpressible charm, flowing from the conscious and + rising enjoyment of our existence. + </p> + <p> + My pleasing inquietudes became less wandering: I had now an object on + which imagination could fix. I looked on myself as the work, the pupil, + the friend, almost the lover of Madam de Warrens; the obliging things + she had said, the caresses she had bestowed on me; the tender interest + she seemed to take in everything that concerned me; those charming + looks, which seemed replete with love, because they so powerfully + inspired it, every consideration flattered my ideas during this journey, + and furnished the most delicious reveries, which, no doubt, no fear of + my future condition arose to embitter. In sending me to Turin, I thought + they engaged to find me an agreeable subsistence there; thus eased of + every care I passed lightly on, while young desires, enchanting hopes, + and brilliant prospects employed my mind; each object that presented + itself seemed to insure my approaching felicity. I imagined that every + house was filled with joyous festivity, the meadows resounded with + sports and revelry, the rivers offered refreshing baths, delicious fish + wantoned in these streams, and how delightful was it to ramble along the + flowery banks! The trees were loaded with the choicest fruits, while + their shade afforded the most charming and voluptuous retreats to happy + lovers; the mountains abounded with milk and cream; peace and leisure, + simplicity and joy, mingled with the charm of going I knew not whither, + and everything I saw carried to my heart some new cause for rapture. The + grandeur, variety, and real beauty of the scene, in some measure + rendered the charm reasonable, in which vanity came in for its share; to + go so young to Italy, view such an extent of country, and pursue the + route of Hannibal over the Alps, appeared a glory beyond my age; add to + all this our frequent and agreeable halts, with a good appetite and + plenty to satisfy it; for in truth it was not worth while to be sparing; + at Mr. Sabran's table what I eat could scarce be missed. In the whole + course of my life I cannot recollect an interval more perfectly exempt + from care, than the seven or eight days I was passing from Annecy to + Turin. As we were obliged to walk Madam Sabran's pace, it rather + appeared an agreeable jaunt than a fatiguing journey; there still + remains the most pleasing impressions of it on my mind, and the idea of + a pedestrian excursion, particularly among the mountains, has from this + time seemed delightful. + </p> + <p> + It was only in my happiest days that I travelled on foot, and ever with + the most unbounded satisfaction; afterwards, occupied with business and + encumbered with baggage, I was forced to act the gentleman and employ a + carriage, where care, embarrassment, and restraint, were sure to be my + companions, and instead of being delighted with the journey, I only + wished to arrive at the place of destination. + </p> + <p> + I was a long time at Paris, wishing to meet with two companions of + similar dispositions, who would each agree to appropriate fifty guineas + of his property and a year of his time to making the tour of Italy on + foot, with no other attendance than a young fellow to carry our + necessaries; I have met with many who seemed enchanted with the project, + but considered it only as a visionary scheme, which served well enough + to talk of, without any design of putting it in execution. One day, + speaking with enthusiasm of this project to Diderot and Grimm, they gave + into the proposal with such warmth that I thought the matter concluded + on; but it only turned out a journey on paper, in which Grimm thought + nothing so pleasing as making Diderot commit a number of impieties, and + shutting me up in the Inquisition for them, instead of him. + </p> + <p> + My regret at arriving so soon at Turin was compensated by the pleasure + of viewing a large city, and the hope of figuring there in a conspicuous + character, for my brain already began to be intoxicated with the fumes + of ambition; my present situation appeared infinitely above that of an + apprentice, and I was far from foreseeing how soon I should be much + below it. + </p> + <p> + Before I proceed, I ought to offer an excuse, or justification to the + reader for the great number of unentertaining particulars I am + necessitated to repeat. In pursuance of the resolution I have formed to + enter on this public exhibition of myself, it is necessary that nothing + should bear the appearance of obscurity or concealment. I should be + continually under the eye of the reader, he should be enabled to follow + me In all the wanderings of my heart, through every intricacy of my + adventures; he must find no void or chasm in my relation, nor lose sight + of me an instant, lest he should find occasion to say, what was he doing + at this time; and suspect me of not having dared to reveal the whole. I + give sufficient scope to malignity in what I say; it is unnecessary I + should furnish still more by my science. + </p> + <p> + My money was all gone, even that I had secretly received from Madam de + Warrens: I had been so indiscreet as to divulge this secret, and my + conductors had taken care to profit by it. Madam Sabran found means to + deprive me of everything I had, even to a ribbon embroidered with + silver, with which Madam de Warrens had adorned the hilt of my sword; + this I regretted more than all the rest; indeed the sword itself would + have gone the same way, had I been less obstinately bent on retaining + it. They had, it is true, supported me during the journey, but left me + nothing at the end of it, and I arrived at Turin, without money, + clothes, or linen, being precisely in the situation to owe to my merit + alone the whole honor of that fortune I was about to acquire. + </p> + <p> + I took care in the first place to deliver the letters I was charged + with, and was presently conducted to the hospital of the catechumens, to + be instructed in that religion, for which, in return, I was to receive + subsistence. On entering, I passed an iron-barred gate, which was + immediately double-locked on me; this beginning was by no means + calculated to give me a favorable opinion of my situation. I was then + conducted to a large apartment, whose furniture consisted of a wooden + altar at the farther end, on which was a large crucifix, and round it + several indifferent chairs, of the same materials. In this hall of + audience were assembled four or five ill-looking banditti, my comrades + in instruction, who would rather have been taken for trusty servants of + the devil than candidates for the kingdom of heaven. Two of these + fellows were Sclavonians, but gave out they were African Jews, and (as + they assured me) had run through Spain and Italy, embracing the + Christian faith, and being baptised wherever they thought it worth their + labor. + </p> + <p> + Soon after they opened another iron gate, which divided a large balcony + that overlooked a court yard, and by this avenue entered our sister + catechumens, who, like me, were going to be regenerated, not by baptism + but a solemn abjuration. A viler set of idle, dirty, abandoned harlots, + never disgraced any persuasion; one among them, however, appeared pretty + and interesting; she might be about my own age, perhaps a year or two + older, and had a pair of roguish eyes, which frequently encountered + mine; this was enough to inspire me with the desire of becoming + acquainted with her, but she had been so strongly recommended to the + care of the old governess of this respectable sisterhood, and was so + narrowly watched by the pious missionary, who labored for her conversion + with more zeal than diligence, that during the two months we remained + together in this house (where she had already been three) I found it + absolutely impossible to exchange a word with her. She must have been + extremely stupid, though she had not the appearance of it, for never was + a longer course of instruction; the holy man could never bring her to a + state of mind fit for abjuration; meantime she became weary of her + cloister, declaring that, Christian or not, she would stay there no + longer; and they were obliged to take her at her word, lest she should + grow refractory, and insist on departing as great a sinner as she came. + </p> + <p> + This hopeful community were assembled in honor of the new-comer; when + our guides made us a short exhortation: I was conjured to be obedient to + the grace that Heaven had bestowed on me; the rest were admonished to + assist me with their prayers, and give me edification by their good + example. Our virgins then retired to another apartment, and I was left + to contemplate, at leisure, that wherein I found myself. + </p> + <p> + The next morning we were again assembled for instruction: I now began to + reflect, for the first time, on the step I was about to take, and the + circumstances which had led me to it. + </p> + <p> + I repeat, and shall perhaps repeat again, an assertion I have already + advanced, and of whose truth I every day receive fresh conviction, which + is, that if ever child received a reasonable and virtuous education, it + was myself. Born in a family of unexceptionable morals, every lesson I + received was replete with maxims of prudence and virtue. My father + (though fond of gallantry) not only possessed distinguished probity, but + much religion; in the world he appeared a man of pleasure, in his family + he was a Christian, and implanted early in my mind those sentiments he + felt the force of. My three aunts were women of virtue and piety; the + two eldest were professed devotees, and the third, who united all the + graces of wit and good sense, was, perhaps, more truly religious than + either, though with less ostentation. From the bosom of this amiable + family I was transplanted to M. Lambercier's, a man dedicated to the + ministry, who believed the doctrine he taught, and acted up to its + precepts. He and his sister matured by their instructions those + principles of judicious piety I had already imbibed, and the means + employed by these worthy people were so well adapted to the effect they + meant to produce, that so far from being fatigued, I scarce ever + listened to their admonitions without finding myself sensibly affected, + and forming resolutions to live virtuously, from which, except in + moments of forgetfulness, I seldom swerved. At my uncle's, religion was + far more tiresome, because they made it an employment; with my master I + thought no more of it, though my sentiments continued the same: I had no + companions to vitiate my morals: I became idle, careless, and obstinate, + but my principles were not impaired. + </p> + <p> + I possessed as much religion, therefore, as a child could be supposed + capable of acquiring. Why should I now disguise my thoughts? I am + persuaded I had more. In my childhood, I was not a child; I felt, I + thought as a man: as I advanced in years, I mingled with the ordinary + class; in my infancy I was distinguished from it. I shall doubtless + incur ridicule by thus modestly holding myself up for a prodigy—I + am content. Let those who find themselves disposed to it, laugh their + fill; afterward, let them find a child that at six years old is + delighted, interested, affected with romances, even to the shedding + floods of tears; I shall then feel my ridiculous vanity, and acknowledge + myself in an error. + </p> + <p> + Thus when I said we should not converse with children on religion, if we + wished them ever to possess any; when I asserted they were incapable of + communion with the Supreme Being, even in our confined degree, I drew my + conclusions from general observation; I knew they were not applicable to + particular instances: find J. J. Rousseau of six years old, converse + with them on religious subjects at seven, and I will be answerable that + the experiment will be attended with no danger. + </p> + <p> + It is understood, I believe, that a child, or even a man, is likely to + be most sincere while persevering in that religion in whose belief he + was born and educated; we frequently detract from, seldom make any + additions to it: dogmatical faith is the effect of education. In + addition to this general principle which attached me to the religion of + my forefathers, I had that particular aversion our city entertains for + Catholicism, which is represented there as the most monstrous idolatry, + and whose clergy are painted in the blackest colors. This sentiment was + so firmly imprinted on my mind, that I never dared to look into their + churches—I could not bear to meet a priest in his surplice, and + never did I hear the bells of a procession sound without shuddering with + horror; these sensations soon wore off in great cities, but frequently + returned in country parishes, which bore more similarity to the spot + where I first experienced them; meantime this dislike was singularly + contrasted by the remembrance of those caresses which priests in the + neighborhood of Geneva are fond of bestowing on the children of that + city. If the bells of the viaticum alarmed me, the chiming for mass or + vespers called me to a breakfast, a collation, to the pleasure of + regaling on fresh butter, fruits, or milk; the good cheer of M. de + Pontverre had produced a considerable effect on me; my former abhorrence + began to diminish, and looking on popery through the medium of amusement + and good living, I easily reconciled myself to the idea of enduring, + though I never entertained but a very transient and distant idea of + making a solemn profession of it. + </p> + <p> + At this moment such a transaction appeared in all its horrors; I + shuddered at the engagement I had entered into, and its inevitable + consequences. The future neophytes with which I was surrounded were not + calculated to sustain my courage by their example, and I could not help + considering the holy work I was about to perform as the action of a + villain. Though young, I was sufficiently convinced, that whatever + religion might be the true one, I was about to sell mine; and even + should I chance to chose the best, I lied to the Holy Ghost, and merited + the disdain of every good man. The more I considered, the more I + despised myself, and trembled at the fate which had led me into such a + predicament, as if my present situation had not been of my own seeking. + There were moments when these compunctions were so strong that had I + found the door open but for an instant, I should certainly have made my + escape; but this was impossible, nor was the resolution of any long + duration, being combated by too many secret motives to stand any chance + of gaining the victory. + </p> + <p> + My fixed determination not to return to Geneva, the shame that would + attend it, the difficulty of repassing the mountains, at a distance from + my country, without friends, and without resources, everything concurred + to make me consider my remorse of conscience, as a too late repentance. + I affected to reproach myself for what I had done, to seek excuses for + that I intended to do, and by aggravating the errors of the past, looked + on the future as an inevitable consequence. I did not say, nothing is + yet done, and you may be innocent if you please; but I said, tremble at + the crime thou hast committed, which hath reduced thee to the necessity + of filling up the measure of thine iniquities. + </p> + <p> + It required more resolution than was natural to my age to revoke those + expectations which I had given them reason to entertain, break those + chains with which I was enthralled, and resolutely declare I would + continue in the religion of my forefathers, whatever might be the + consequence. The affair was already too far advanced, and spite of all + my efforts they would have made a point of bringing it to a conclusion. + </p> + <p> + The sophism which ruined me has had a similar affect on the greater part + of mankind, who lament the want of resolution when the opportunity for + exercising it is over. The practice of virtue is only difficult from our + own negligence; were, we always discreet, we should seldom have occasion + for any painful exertion of it; we are captivated by desires we might + readily surmount, give into temptations that might easily be resisted, + and insensibly get into embarrassing, perilous situations, from which we + cannot extricate ourselves but with the utmost difficulty; intimidated + by the effort, we fall into the abyss, saying to the Almighty, why hast + thou made us such weak creatures? But, notwithstanding our vain + pretexts, He replies, by our consciences, I formed ye too weak to get + out of the gulf, because I gave ye sufficient strength not to have + fallen into it. + </p> + <p> + I was not absolutely resolved to become a Catholic, but, as it was not + necessary to declare my intentions immediately, I gradually accustomed + myself to the idea; hoping, meantime, that some unforeseen event would + extricate me from my embarrassment. In order to gain time, I resolved to + make the best defence I possibly could in favor of my own opinion; but + my vanity soon rendered this resolution unnecessary, for on finding I + frequently embarrassed those who had the care of my instruction, I + wished to heighten my triumph by giving them a complete overthrow. I + zealously pursued my plan, not without the ridiculous hope of being able + to convert my convertors; for I was simple enough to believe, that could + I convince them of their errors, they would become Protestants; they did + not find, therefore, that facility in the work which they had expected, + as I differed both in regard to will and knowledge from the opinion they + had entertained of me. + </p> + <p> + Protestants, in general, are better instructed in the principles of + their religion than Catholics; the reason is obvious; the doctrine of + the former requires discussion, of the latter a blind submission; the + Catholic must content himself with the decisions of others, the + Protestant must learn to decide for himself; they were not ignorant of + this, but neither my age nor appearance promised much difficulty to men + so accustomed to disputation. They knew, likewise, that I had not + received my first communion, nor the instructions which accompany it; + but, on the other hand, they had no idea of the information I received + at M. Lambercier's, or that I had learned the history of the church and + empire almost by heart at my father's; and though (since that time, + nearly forgot, when warmed by the dispute, very unfortunately for these + gentlemen), it again returned to my memory. + </p> + <p> + A little old priest, but tolerably venerable, held the first conference; + at which we were all convened. On the part of my comrades, it was rather + a catechism than a controversy, and he found more pains in giving them + instruction than answering their objections; but when it came to my + turn, it was a different matter; I stopped him at every article, and did + not spare a single remark that I thought would create a difficulty: this + rendered the conference long and extremely tiresome to the assistants. + My old priest talked a great deal, was very warm, frequently rambled + from the subject, and extricated himself from difficulties by saying he + was not sufficiently versed in the French language. + </p> + <p> + The next day, lest my indiscreet objections should injure the minds of + those who were better disposed, I was led into a separate chamber and + put under the care of a younger priest, a fine speaker; that is, one who + was fond of long perplexed sentences, and proud of his own abilities, if + ever doctor was. I did not, however, suffer myself to be intimidated by + his overbearing looks: and being sensible that I could maintain my + ground, I combated his assertions, exposed his mistakes, and laid about + me in the best manner I was able. He thought to silence me at once with + St. Augustine, St. Gregory, and the rest of the fathers, but found, to + his ineffable surprise, that I could handle these almost as dexterously + as himself; not that I had ever read them, or he either, perhaps, but I + retained a number of passages taken from my Le Sueur, and when he bore + hard on me with one citation, without standing to dispute, I parried it + with another, which method embarrassed him extremely. At length, + however, he got the better of me for two very potent reasons; in the + first place, he was of the strongest side; young as I was, I thought it + might be dangerous to drive him to extremities, for I plainly saw the + old priest was neither satisfied with me nor my erudition. In the next + place, he had studied, I had not; this gave a degree of method to his + arguments which I could not follow; and whenever he found himself + pressed by an unforeseen objection he put it off to the next conference, + pretending I rambled from the question in dispute. Sometimes he even + rejected all my quotations, maintaining they were false, and, offering + to fetch the book, defied me to find them. He knew he ran very little + risk, and that, with all my borrowed learning, I was not sufficiently + accustomed to books, and too poor a Latinist to find a passage in a + large volume, had I been ever so well assured it was there. I even + suspected him of having been guilty of a perfidy with which he accused + our ministers, and that he fabricated passages sometimes in order to + evade an objection that incommoded him. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile the hospital became every day more disagreeable to me, and + seeing but one way to get out of it, I endeavored to hasten my + abjuration with as much eagerness as I had hitherto sought to retard it. + </p> + <p> + The two Africans had been baptised with great ceremony, they were + habited in white from head to foot to signify the purity of their + regenerated souls. My turn came a month after; for all this time was + thought necessary by my directors, that they might have the honor of a + difficult conversion, and every dogma of their faith was recapitulated, + in order to triumph the more completely over my new docility. + </p> + <p> + At length, sufficiently instructed and disposed to the will of my + masters, I was led in procession to the metropolitan church of St. John, + to make a solemn abjuration, and undergo a ceremony made use of on these + occasions, which, though not baptism, is very similar, and serves to + persuade the people that Protestants are not Christians. I was clothed + in a kind of gray robe, decorated with white Brandenburgs. Two men, one + behind, the other before me, carried copper basins which they kept + striking with a key, and in which those who were charitably disposed put + their alms, according as they found themselves influenced by religion or + good will for the new convert; in a word, nothing of Catholic pageantry + was omitted that could render the solemnity edifying to the populace, or + humiliating to me. The white dress might have been serviceable, but as I + had not the honor to be either Moor or Jew, they did not think fit to + compliment me with it. + </p> + <p> + The affair did not end here, I must now go to the Inquisition to be + absolved from the dreadful sin of heresy, and return to the bosom of the + church with the same ceremony to which Henry the Fourth was subjected by + his ambassador. The air and manner of the right reverend Father + Inquisitor was by no means calculated to dissipate the secret horror + that seized my spirits on entering this holy mansion. After several + questions relative to my faith, situation, and family, he asked me + bluntly if my mother was damned? Terror repressed the first gust of + indignation; this gave me time to recollect myself, and I answered, I + hope not, for God might have enlightened her last moments. The monk made + no reply, but his silence was attended with a look by no means + expressive of approbation. + </p> + <p> + All these ceremonies ended, the very moment I flattered myself I should + be plentifully provided for, they exhorted me to continue a good + Christian, and live in obedience to the grace I had received; then + wishing me good fortune, with rather more than twenty francs of small + money in my pocket, the produce of the above—mentioned collection, + turned me out, shut the door on me, and I saw no more of them! + </p> + <p> + Thus, in a moment, all my flattering expectations were at an end; and + nothing remained from my interested conversion but the remembrance of + having been made both a dupe and an apostate. It is easy to imagine what + a sudden revolution was produced in my ideas, when every brilliant + expectation of making a fortune terminated by seeing myself plunged in + the completest misery. In the morning I was deliberating what palace I + should inhabit, before night I was reduced to seek my lodging in the + street. It may be supposed that I gave myself up to the most violent + transports of despair, rendered more bitter by a consciousness that my + own folly had reduced me to these extremities; but the truth is, I + experienced none of these disagreeable sensations. I had passed two + months in absolute confinement; this was new to me; I was now + emancipated, and the sentiment I felt most forcibly, was joy at my + recovered liberty. After a slavery which had appeared tedious, I was + again master of my time and actions, in a great city, abundant in + resources, crowded with people of fortune, to whom my merit and talents + could not fail to recommend me. I had sufficient time before me to + expect this good fortune, for my twenty livres seemed an inexhaustible + treasure, which I might dispose of without rendering an account of to + anyone. It was the first time I had found myself so rich, and far from + giving way to melancholy reflections, I only adopted other hopes, in + which self-love was by no means a loser. Never did I feel so great a + degree of confidence and security; I looked on my fortune as already + made and was pleased to think I should have no one but myself to thank + for the acquisition of it. + </p> + <p> + The first thing I did was to satisfy my curiosity by rambling all over + the city, and I seemed to consider it as a confirmation of my liberty; I + went to see the soldiers mount guard, and was delighted with their + military accouterment; I followed processions, and was pleased with the + solemn music of the priests; I next went to see the king's palace, which + I approached with awe, but seeing others enter, I followed their + example, and no one prevented me; perhaps I owed this favor to the small + parcel I carried under my arm; be that as it may, I conceived a high + opinion of my consequence from this circumstance, and already thought + myself an inhabitant there. The weather was hot; I had walked about till + I was both fatigued and hungry; wishing for some refreshment, I went + into a milk-house; they brought me some cream-cheese curds and whey, and + two slices of that excellent Piedmont bread, which I prefer to any + other; and for five or six sous I had one of the most delicious meals I + ever recollect to have made. + </p> + <p> + It was time to seek a lodging: as I already knew enough of the + Piedmontese language to make myself understood, this was a work of no + great difficulty; and I had so much prudence, that I wished to adapt it + rather to the state of my purse than the bent of my inclinations. In the + course of my inquiries, I was informed that a soldier's wife, in + Po-street, furnished lodgings to servants out of place at only one sou a + night, and finding one of her poor beds disengaged, I took possession of + it. She was young and newly married, though she already had five or six + children. Mother, children and lodgers, all slept in the same chamber, + and it continued thus while I remained there. She was good-natured, + swore like a carman, and wore neither cap nor handkerchief; but she had + a gentle heart, was officious; and to me both kind and serviceable. + </p> + <p> + For several days I gave myself up to the pleasures of independence and + curiosity; I continued wandering about the city and its environs, + examining every object that seemed curious or new; and, indeed, most + things had that appearance to a young novice. I never omitted visiting + the court, and assisted regularly every morning at the king's mass. I + thought it a great honor to be in the same chapel with this prince and + his retinue; but my passion for music, which now began to make its + appearance, was a greater incentive than the splendor of the court, + which, soon seen and always the same, presently lost its attraction. The + King of Sardinia had at that time the best music in Europe; Somis, + Desjardins, and the Bezuzzi shone there alternately; all these were not + necessary to fascinate a youth whom the sound of the most simple + instrument, provided it was just, transported with joy. Magnificence + only produced a stupid admiration, without any violent desire to partake + of it, my thoughts were principally employed in observing whether any + young princess was present that merited my homage, and whom I could make + the heroine of a romance. + </p> + <p> + Meantime, I was on the point of beginning one; in a less elevated + sphere, it is true, but where could I have brought it to a conclusion, I + should have found pleasures a thousand times more delicious. + </p> + <p> + Though I lived with the strictest economy, my purse insensibly grew + lighter. This economy was, however, less the effect of prudence than + that love of simplicity, which, even to this day, the use of the most + expensive tables has not been able to vitiate. Nothing in my idea, + either at that time or since, could exceed a rustic repast; give me + milk, vegetables, eggs, and brown bread, with tolerable wine and I shall + always think myself sumptuously regaled; a good appetite will furnish + out the rest, if the maitre d' hotel, with a number of unnecessary + footmen, do not satiate me with their important attentions. Five or six + sous would then procure me a more agreeable meal than as many livres + would have done since; I was abstemious, therefore, for want of a + temptation to be otherwise: though I do not know but I am wrong to call + this abstinence, for with my pears, new cheese, bread and some glasses + of Montferrat wine, which you might have cut with a knife, I was the + greatest of epicures. Notwithstanding my expenses were very moderate, it + was possible to see the end of twenty livres; I was every day more + convinced of this, and, spite of the giddiness of youth, my + apprehensions for the future amounted almost to terror. All my castles + in the air were vanished, and I became sensible of the necessity of + seeking some occupation that would procure me a subsistence. + </p> + <p> + Even this was a work of difficulty; I thought of my engraving, but knew + too little of it to be employed as a journeyman, nor do masters abound + in Turin; I resolved, therefore, till something better presented itself, + to go from shop to shop, offering to engrave ciphers, or coats of arms, + on pieces of plate, etc., and hoped to get employment by working at a + low price; or taking what they chose to give me. Even this expedient did + not answer my expectations; almost all my applications were ineffectual, + the little I procured being hardly sufficient to produce a few scanty + meals. + </p> + <p> + Walking one morning pretty early in the 'Contra nova', I saw a young + tradeswoman behind a counter, whose looks were so charmingly attractive, + that, notwithstanding my timidity with the ladies, I entered the shop + without hesitation, offered my services as usual: and had the happiness + to have it accepted. She made me sit down and recite my little history, + pitied my forlorn situation; bade me be cheerful, and endeavored to make + me so by an assurance that every good Christian would give me + assistance; then (while she had occasion for) she went up stairs and + fetched me something for breakfast. This seemed a promising beginning, + nor was what followed less flattering: she was satisfied with my work, + and, when I had a little recovered myself, still more with my discourse. + She was rather elegantly dressed and notwithstanding her gentle looks + this appearance of gayety had disconcerted me; but her good-nature, the + compassionate tone of her voice, with her gentle and caressing manner, + soon set me at ease with myself; I saw my endeavors to please were + crowned with success, and this assurance made me succeed the more. + Though an Italian, and too pretty to be entirely devoid of coquetry, she + had so much modesty, and I so great a share of timidity, that our + adventure was not likely to be brought to a very speedy conclusion, nor + did they give us time to make any good of it. I cannot recall the few + short moments I passed with this lovely woman without being sensible of + an inexpressible charm, and can yet say, it was there I tasted in their + utmost perfection the most delightful, as well as the purest pleasures + of love. + </p> + <p> + She was a lively pleasing brunette, and the good nature that was painted + on her lovely face rendered her vivacity more interesting. She was + called Madam Basile: her husband, who was considerably older than + herself, consigned her, during his absence, to the care of a clerk, too + disagreeable to be thought dangerous; but who, notwithstanding, had + pretensions that he seldom showed any signs of, except of ill—humors, + a good share of which he bestowed on me; though I was pleased to hear + him play the flute, on which he was a tolerable musician. This second + Egistus was sure to grumble whenever he saw me go into his mistress' + apartment, treating me with a degree of disdain which she took care to + repay him with interest; seeming pleased to caress me in his presence, + on purpose to torment him. This kind of revenge, though perfectly to my + taste, would have been still more charming in a 'tete a tete', but she + did not proceed so far; at least, there was a difference in the + expression of her kindness. Whether she thought me too young, that it + was my place to make advances, or that she was seriously resolved to be + virtuous, she had at such times a kind of reserve, which, though not + absolutely discouraging, kept my passion within bounds. + </p> + <p> + I did not feel the same real and tender respect for her as I did for + Madam de Warrens: I was embarrassed, agitated, feared to look, and + hardly dared to breathe in her presence, yet to have left her would have + been worse than death: How fondly did my eyes devour whatever they could + gaze on without being perceived! the flowers on her gown, the point of + her pretty foot, the interval of a round white arm that appeared between + her glove and ruffle, the least part of her neck, each object increased + the force of all the rest, and added to the infatuation. Gazing thus on + what was to be seen, and even more than was to be seen, my sight became + confused, my chest seemed contracted, respiration was every moment more + painful. I had the utmost difficulty to hide my agitation, to prevent my + sighs from being heard, and this difficulty was increased by the silence + in which we were frequently plunged. Happily, Madam Basile, busy at her + work, saw nothing of all this, or seemed not to see it: yet I sometimes + observed a kind of sympathy, especially at the frequent rising of her + handkerchief, and this dangerous sight almost mastered every effort, but + when on the point of giving way to my transports, she spoke a few words + to me with an air of tranquility, and in an instant the agitation + subsided. + </p> + <p> + I saw her several times in this manner without a word, a gesture, or + even a look, too expressive, making the least intelligence between us. + The situation was both my torment and delight, for hardly in the + simplicity of my heart, could I imagine the cause of my uneasiness. I + should suppose these 'tete a tete' could not be displeasing to her, at + least, she sought frequent occasions to renew them; this was a very + disinterested labor, certainly, as appeared by the use she made, or ever + suffered me to make of them. + </p> + <p> + Being, one day, wearied with the clerk's discourse, she had retired to + her chamber; I made haste to finish what I had to do in the back shop, + and followed her; the door was half open, and I entered without being + perceived. She was embroidering near a window on the opposite side of + the room; she could not see me; and the carts in the streets made too + much noise for me to be heard. She was always well dressed, but this day + her attire bordered on coquetry. Her attitude was graceful, her head + leaning gently forward, discovered a small circle of her neck; her hair, + elegantly dressed was ornamented with flowers; her figure was + universally charming, and I had an uninterrupted opportunity to admire + it. I was absolutely in a state of ecstasy, and, involuntary, sinking on + my knees, I passionately extended my arms towards her, certain she could + not hear, and having no conception that she could see me; but there was + a chimney glass at the end of the room that betrayed all my proceedings. + I am ignorant what effect this transport produced on her; she did not + speak; she did not look on me; but, partly turning her head, with the + movement of her finger only, she pointed to the mat that was at her feet—To + start up, with an articulate cry of joy, and occupy the place she had + indicated, was the work of a moment; but it will hardly be believed I + dared attempt no more, not even to speak, raise my eyes to hers, or rest + an instant on her knees, though in an attitude which seemed to render + such a support necessary. I was dumb, immovable, but far enough from a + state of tranquility; agitation, joy, gratitude, ardent indefinite + wishes, restrained by the fear of giving displeasure, which my + unpractised heart too much dreaded, were sufficiently discernible. She + neither appeared more tranquil, nor less intimidated than myself—uneasy + at my present situation; confounded at having brought me there, + beginning to tremble for the effects of a sign which she had made + without reflecting on the consequences, neither giving encouragement, + nor expressing disapprobation, with her eyes fixed on her work, she + endeavored to appear unconscious of everything that passed; but all my + stupidity could not hinder me from concluding that she partook of my + embarrassment, perhaps, my transports, and was only hindered by a + bashfulness like mine, without even that supposition giving me power to + surmount it. Five or six years older than myself, every advance, + according to my idea, should have been made by her, and, since she did + nothing to encourage mine, I concluded they would offend her. Even at + this time, I am inclined to believe I thought right; she certainly had + wit enough to perceive that a novice like me had occasion, not only for + encouragement but instruction. + </p> + <p> + I am ignorant how this animated, though dumb scene would have ended, or + how long I should have continued immovable in this ridiculous, though + delicious, situation, had we not been interrupted—in the height of + my agitation, I heard the kitchen door open, which joined Madam Basile's + chamber; who, being alarmed, said, with a quick voice and action, "Get + up! Here's Rosina!" Rising hastily I seized one of her hands, which she + held out to me, and gave it two eager kisses; at the second I felt this + charming hand press gently on my lips. Never in my life did I enjoy so + sweet a moment; but the occasion I had lost returned no more, this being + the conclusion of our amours. + </p> + <p> + This may be the reason why her image yet remains imprinted on my heart + in such charming colors, which have even acquired fresh lustre since I + became acquainted with the world and women. Had she been mistress of the + least degree of experience, she would have taken other measures to + animate so youthful a lover; but if her heart was weak, it was virtuous; + and only suffered itself to be borne away by a powerful though + involuntary inclination. This was, apparently, her first infidelity, and + I should, perhaps, have found more difficulty in vanquishing her + scruples than my own; but, without proceeding so far, I experienced in + her company the most inexpressible delights. Never did I taste with any + other woman pleasures equal to those two minutes which I passed at the + feet of Madam Basile without even daring to touch her gown. I am + convinced no satisfaction can be compared to that we feel with a + virtuous woman we esteem; all is transport!—A sign with the + finger, a hand lightly pressed against my lips, were the only favors I + ever received from Madam Basile, yet the bare remembrance of these + trifling condescensions continues to transport me. + </p> + <p> + It was in vain I watched the two following days for another tete a tete; + it was impossible to find an opportunity; nor could I perceive on her + part any desire to forward it; her behavior was not colder, but more + distant than usual, and I believe she avoided my looks for fear of not + being able sufficiently to govern her own. The cursed clerk was more + vexatious than ever; he even became a wit, telling me, with a satirical + sneer, that I should unquestionably make my way among the ladies. I + trembled lest I should have been guilty of some indiscretion, and + looking at myself as already engaged in an intrigue, endeavored to cover + with an air of mystery an inclination which hitherto certainly had no + great need of it; this made me more circumspect in my choice of + opportunities, and by resolving only to seize such as should be + absolutely free from the danger of a surprise, I met none. + </p> + <p> + Another romantic folly, which I could never overcome, and which, joined + to my natural timidity, tended directly to contradict the clerk's + predictions, is, I always loved too sincerely, too perfectly, I may say, + to find happiness easily attainable. Never were passions at the same + time more lively and pure than mine; never was love more tender, more + true, or more disinterested; freely would I have sacrificed my own + happiness to that of the object of my affection; her reputation was + dearer than my life, and I could promise myself no happiness for which I + would have exposed her peace of mind for a moment. This disposition has + ever made me employ so much care, use so many precautions, such secrecy + in my adventures, that all of them have failed; in a word, my want of + success with the women has ever proceeded from having loved them too + well. + </p> + <p> + To return to our Egistus, the fluter; it was remarkable that in becoming + more insupportable, the traitor put on the appearance of complaisance. + From the first day Madam Basile had taken me under her protection, she + had endeavored to make me serviceable in the warehouse; and finding I + understood arithmetic tolerably well, she proposed his teaching me to + keep the books; a proposition that was but indifferently received by + this humorist, who might, perhaps, be fearful of being supplanted. As + this failed, my whole employ, besides what engraving I had to do, was to + transcribe some bills and accounts, to write several books over fair, + and translate commercial letters from Italian into French. All at once + he thought fit to accept the before rejected proposal, saying, he would + teach me bookkeeping, by double—entry, and put me in a situation + to offer my services to M. Basile on his return; but there was something + so false, malicious, and ironical, in his air and manner, that it was by + no means calculated to inspire me with confidence. Madam Basile, replied + archly, that I was much obliged to him for his kind offer, but she hoped + fortune would be more favorable to my merits, for it would be a great + misfortune, with so much sense, that I should only be a pitiful clerk. + </p> + <p> + She often said, she would procure me some acquaintance that might be + useful; she doubtless felt the necessity of parting with me, and had + prudently resolved on it. Our mute declaration had been made on + Thursday, the Sunday following she gave a dinner. A Jacobin of good + appearance was among the guests, to whom she did me the honor to present + me. The monk treated me very affectionately, congratulated me on my late + conversion, mentioned several particulars of my story, which plainly + showed he had been made acquainted with it, then, tapping me familiarly + on the cheek, bade me be good, to keep up my spirits, and come to see + him at his convent, where he should have more opportunity to talk with + me. I judged him to be a person of some consequence by the deference + that was paid him; and by the paternal tone he assumed with Madam + Basile, to be her confessor. I likewise remember that his decent + familiarity was attended with an appearance of esteem, and even respect + for his fair penitent, which then made less impression on me than at + present. Had I possessed more experience how should I have congratulated + myself on having touched the heart of a young woman respected by her + confessor! + </p> + <p> + The table not being large enough to accommodate all the company, a small + one was prepared, where I had the satisfaction of dining with our + agreeable clerk; but I lost nothing with regard to attention and good + cheer, for several plates were sent to the side-table which were + certainly not intended for him. + </p> + <p> + Thus far all went well; the ladies were in good spirits, and the + gentlemen very gallant, while Madam Basile did the honors of the table + with peculiar grace. In the midst of the dinner we heard a chaise stop + at the door, and presently some one coming up stairs—it was M. + Basile. Methinks I now see him entering, in his scarlet coat with gold + buttons—from that day I have held the color in abhorrence. M. + Basile was a tall handsome man, of good address: he entered with a + consequential look and an air of taking his family unawares, though none + but friends were present. His wife ran to meet him, threw her arms about + his neck, and gave him a thousand caresses, which he received with the + utmost indifference; and without making any return saluted the company + and took his place at table. They were just beginning to speak of his + journey, when casting his eye on the small table he asked in a sharp + tone, what lad that was? Madam Basile answered ingenuously. He then + inquired whether I lodged in the house; and was answered in the + negative. "Why not?" replied he, rudely, "since he stays here all day, + he might as well remain all night too." The monk now interfered, with a + serious and true eulogium on Madam Basile: in a few words he made mine + also, adding, that so far from blaming, he ought to further the pious + charity of his wife, since it was evident she had not passed the bounds + of discretion. The husband answered with an air of petulance, which + (restrained by the presence of the monk) he endeavored to stifle; it + was, however, sufficient to let me understand he had already received + information of me, and that our worthy clerk had rendered me an ill + office. + </p> + <p> + We had hardly risen from table, when the latter came in triumph from his + employer, to inform me, I must leave the house that instant, and never + more during my life dare to set foot there. He took care to aggravate + this commission by everything that could render it cruel and insulting. + I departed without a word, my heart overwhelmed with sorrow, less for + being obliged to quit this amiable woman, than at the thought of leaving + her to the brutality of such a husband. He was certainly right to wish + her faithful; but though prudent and wellborn, she was an Italian, that + is to say, tender and vindictive; which made me think, he was extremely + imprudent in using means the most likely in the world to draw on himself + the very evil he so much dreaded. + </p> + <p> + Such was the success of my first adventure. I walked several times up + and down the street, wishing to get a sight of what my heart incessantly + regretted; but I could only discover her husband, or the vigilant clerk, + who, perceiving me, made a sign with the ell they used in the shop, + which was more expressive than alluring: finding, therefore, that I was + so completely watched, my courage failed, and I went no more. I wished, + at least, to find out the patron she had provided me, but, + unfortunately, I did not know his name. I ranged several times round the + convent, endeavoring in vain to meet with him. At length, other events + banished the delightful remembrance of Madam Basile; and in a short time + I so far forgot her, that I remained as simple, as much a novice as + ever, nor did my penchant for pretty women even receive any sensible + augmentation. + </p> + <p> + Her liberality had, however, increased my little wardrobe, though she + had done this with precaution and prudence, regarding neatness more than + decoration, and to make me comfortable rather than brilliant. The coat I + had brought from Geneva was yet wearable, she only added a hat and some + linen. I had no ruffles, nor would she give me any, not but I felt a + great inclination for them. She was satisfied with having put it in my + power to keep myself clean, though a charge to do this was unnecessary + while I was to appear before her. + </p> + <p> + A few days after this catastrophe; my hostess, who, as I have already + observed, was very friendly, with great satisfaction informed me she had + heard of a situation, and that a lady of rank desired to see me. I + immediately thought myself in the road to great adventures; that being + the point to which all my ideas tended: this, however, did not prove so + brilliant as I had conceived it. I waited on the lady with the servant; + who had mentioned me: she asked a number of questions, and my answers + not displeasing her, I immediately entered into her service not, indeed, + in the quality of favorite, but as a footman. I was clothed like the + rest of her people, the only difference being, they wore a shoulder—knot, + which I had not, and, as there was no lace on her livery, it appeared + merely a tradesman's suit. This was the unforeseen conclusion of all my + great expectancies! + </p> + <p> + The Countess of Vercellis, with whom I now lived, was a widow without + children; her husband was a Piedmontese, but I always believed her to be + a Savoyard, as I could have no conception that a native of Piedmont + could speak such good French, and with so pure an accent. She was a + middle-aged woman, of a noble appearance and cultivated understanding, + being fond of French literature, in which she was well versed. Her + letters had the expression, and almost the elegance of Madam de + Savigne's; some of them might have been taken for hers. My principal + employ, which was by no means displeasing to me, was to write from her + dictating; a cancer in the breast, from which she suffered extremely, + not permitting her to write herself. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Vercellis not only possessed a good understanding, but a strong + and elevated soul. I was with her during her last illness, and saw her + suffer and die, without showing an instant of weakness, or the least + effort of constraint; still retaining her feminine manners, without + entertaining an idea that such fortitude gave her any claim to + philosophy; a word which was not yet in fashion, nor comprehended by her + in the sense it is held at present. This strength of disposition + sometimes extended almost to apathy, ever appearing to feel as little + for others as herself; and when she relieved the unfortunate, it was + rather for the sake of acting right, than from a principle of real + commiseration. I have frequently experienced this insensibility, in some + measure, during the three months I remained with her. It would have been + natural to have had an esteem for a young man of some abilities, who was + incessantly under her observation, and that she should think, as she + felt her dissolution approaching, that after her death he would have + occasion for assistance and support: but whether she judged me unworthy + of particular attention, or that those who narrowly watched all her + motions, gave her no opportunity to think of any but themselves, she did + nothing for me. + </p> + <p> + I very well recollect that she showed some curiosity to know my story, + frequently questioning me, and appearing pleased when I showed her the + letters I wrote to Madam de Warrens, or explained my sentiments; but as + she never discovered her own, she certainly did not take the right means + to come at them. My heart, naturally communicative, loved to display its + feelings, whenever I encountered a similar disposition; but dry, cold + interrogatories, without any sign of blame or approbation on my answers, + gave me no confidence. Not being able to determine whether my discourse + was agreeable or displeasing, I was ever in fear, and thought less of + expressing my ideas, than of being careful not to say anything that + might seem to my disadvantage. I have since remarked that this dry + method of questioning themselves into people's characters is a common + trick among women who pride themselves on superior understanding. These + imagine, that by concealing their own sentiments, they shall the more + easily penetrate into those of others; being ignorant that this method + destroys the confidence so necessary to make us reveal them. A man, on + being questioned, is immediately on his guard: and if once he supposes + that, without any interest in his concerns, you only wish to set him + a-talking, either he entertains you with lies, is silent, or, examining + every word before he utters it, rather chooses to pass for a fool, than + to be the dupe of your curiosity. In short, it is ever a bad method to + attempt to read the hearts of others by endeavoring to conceal our own. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Vercellis never addressed a word to me which seemed to express + affection, pity, or benevolence. She interrogated me coldly, and my + answers were uttered with so much timidity, that she doubtless + entertained but a mean opinion of my intellects, for latterly she never + asked me any questions, nor said anything but what was absolutely + necessary for her service. She drew her judgment less from what I really + was, than from what she had made me, and by considering me as a footman + prevented my appearing otherwise. + </p> + <p> + I am inclined to think I suffered at that time by the same interested + game of concealed manoeuvre, which has counteracted me throughout my + life, and given me a very natural aversion for everything that has the + least appearance of it. Madam de Vercellis having no children, her + nephew, the Count de la Roque, was her heir, and paid his court + assiduously, as did her principal domestics, who, seeing her end + approaching, endeavored to take care of themselves; in short, so many + were busy about her, that she could hardly have found time to think of + me. At the head of her household was a M. Lorenzy, an artful genius, + with a still more artful wife; who had so far insinuated herself into + the good graces of her mistress, that she was rather on the footing of a + friend than a servant. She had introduced a niece of hers as lady's + maid: her name was Mademoiselle Pontal; a cunning gypsy, that gave + herself all the airs of a waiting-woman, and assisted her aunt so well + in besetting the countess, that she only saw with their eyes, and acted + through their hands. I had not the happiness to please this worthy + triumvirate; I obeyed, but did not wait on them, not conceiving that my + duty to our general mistress required me to be a servant to her + servants. Besides this, I was a person that gave them some inquietude; + they saw I was not in my proper situation, and feared the countess would + discover it likewise, and by placing me in it, decrease their portions; + for such sort of people, too greedy to be just, look on every legacy + given to others as a diminution of their own wealth; they endeavored, + therefore, to keep me as much out of her sight as possible. She loved to + write letters, in her situation, but they contrived to give her a + distaste to it; persuading her, by the aid of the doctor, that it was + too fatiguing; and, under pretence that I did not understand how to wait + on her, they employed two great lubberly chairmen for that purpose; in a + word, they managed the affair so well, that for eight days before she + made her will, I had not been permitted to enter the chamber. Afterwards + I went in as usual, and was even more assiduous than any one, being + afflicted at the sufferings of the unhappy lady, whom I truly respected + and beloved for the calmness and fortitude with which she bore her + illness, and often did I shed tears of real sorrow without being + perceived by any one. + </p> + <p> + At length we lost her—I saw her expire. She had lived like a woman + of sense and virtue, her death was that of a philosopher. I can truly + say, she rendered the Catholic religion amiable to me by the serenity + with which she fulfilled its dictates, without any mixture of negligence + or affectation. She was naturally serious, but towards the end of her + illness she possessed a kind of gayety, too regular to be assumed, which + served as a counterpoise to the melancholy of her situation. She only + kept her bed two days, continuing to discourse cheerfully with those + about her to the very last. + </p> + <p> + She had bequeathed a year's wages to all the under servants, but, not + being on the household list, I had nothing: the Count de la Roque, + however, ordered me thirty livres, and the new coat I had on, which M. + Lorenzy would certainly have taken from me. He even promised to procure + me a place; giving me permission to wait on him as often as I pleased. + Accordingly, I went two or three times, without being able to speak to + him, and as I was easily repulsed, returned no more; whether I did wrong + will be seen hereafter. + </p> + <p> + Would I had finished what I have to say of my living at Madam de + Vercellis's. Though my situation apparently remained the same, I did not + leave her house as I had entered it: I carried with me the long and + painful remembrance of a crime; an insupportable weight of remorse which + yet hangs on my conscience, and whose bitter recollection, far from + weakening, during a period of forty years, seems to gather strength as I + grow old. Who would believe, that a childish fault should be productive + of such melancholy consequences? But it is for the more than probable + effects that my heart cannot be consoled. I have, perhaps, caused an + amiable, honest, estimable girl, who surely merited a better fate than + myself, to perish with shame and misery. + </p> + <p> + Though it is very difficult to break up housekeeping without confusion, + and the loss of some property; yet such was the fidelity of the + domestics, and the vigilance of M. and Madam Lorenzy, that no article of + the inventory was found wanting; in short, nothing was missing but a + pink and silver ribbon, which had been worn, and belonged to + Mademoiselle Pontal. Though several things of more value were in my + reach, this ribbon alone tempted me, and accordingly I stole it. As I + took no great pains to conceal the bauble, it was soon discovered; they + immediately insisted on knowing from whence I had taken it; this + perplexed me—I hesitated, and at length said, with confusion, that + Marion gave it me. + </p> + <p> + Marion was a young Mauriennese, and had been cook to Madam de Vercellis + ever since she left off giving entertainments, for being sensible she + had more need of good broths than fine ragouts, she had discharged her + former one. Marion was not only pretty, but had that freshness of color + only to be found among the mountains, and, above all, an air of modesty + and sweetness, which made it impossible to see her without affection; + she was besides a good girl, virtuous, and of such strict fidelity, that + everyone was surprised at hearing her named. They had not less + confidence in me, and judged it necessary to certify which of us was the + thief. Marion was sent for; a great number of people were present, among + whom was the Count de la Roque: she arrives; they show her the ribbon; I + accuse her boldly: she remains confused and speechless, casting a look + on me that would have disarmed a demon, but which my barbarous heart + resisted. At length, she denied it with firmness, but without anger, + exhorting me to return to myself, and not injure an innocent girl who + had never wronged me. With infernal impudence, I confirmed my + accusation, and to her face maintained she had given me the ribbon: on + which, the poor girl, bursting into tears, said these words—"Ah, + Rousseau! I thought you a good disposition—you render me very + unhappy, but I would not be in your situation." She continued to defend + herself with as much innocence as firmness, but without uttering the + least invective against me. Her moderation, compared to my positive + tone, did her an injury; as it did not appear natural to suppose, on one + side such diabolical assurance; on the other, such angelic mildness. The + affair could not be absolutely decided, but the presumption was in my + favor; and the Count de la Roque, in sending us both away, contented + himself with saying, "The conscience of the guilty would revenge the + innocent." His prediction was true, and is being daily verified. + </p> + <p> + I am ignorant what became of the victim of my calumny, but there is + little probability of her having been able to place herself agreeably + after this, as she labored under an imputation cruel to her character in + every respect. The theft was a trifle, yet it was a theft, and, what was + worse, employed to seduce a boy; while the lie and obstinacy left + nothing to hope from a person in whom so many vices were united. I do + not even look on the misery and disgrace in which I plunged her as the + greatest evil: who knows, at her age, whither contempt and disregarded + innocence might have led her?—Alas! if remorse for having made her + unhappy is insupportable, what must I have suffered at the thought of + rendering her even worse than myself. The cruel remembrance of this + transaction, sometimes so troubles and disorders me, that, in my + disturbed slumbers, I imagine I see this poor girl enter and reproach me + with my crime, as though I had committed it but yesterday. While in easy + tranquil circumstances, I was less miserable on this account, but, + during a troubled agitated life, it has robbed me of the sweet + consolation of persecuted innocence, and made me wofully experience, + what, I think, I have remarked in some of my works, that remorse sleeps + in the calm sunshine of prosperity, but wakes amid the storms of + adversity. I could never take on me to discharge my heart of this weight + in the bosom of a friend; nor could the closest intimacy ever encourage + me to it, even with Madam de Warrens: all I could do, was to own I had + to accuse myself of an atrocious crime, but never said in what it + consisted. The weight, therefore, has remained heavy on my conscience to + this day; and I can truly own the desire of relieving myself, in some + measure, from it, contributed greatly to the resolution of writing my + Confessions. + </p> + <p> + I have proceeded truly in that I have just made, and it will certainly + be thought I have not sought to palliate the turpitude of my offence; + but I should not fulfill the purpose of this undertaking, did I not, at + the same time, divulge my interior disposition, and excuse myself as far + as is conformable with truth. + </p> + <p> + Never was wickedness further from my thoughts, than in that cruel + moment; and when I accused the unhappy girl, it is strange, but strictly + true, that my friendship for her was the immediate cause of it. She was + present to my thoughts; I formed my excuse from the first object that + presented itself: I accused her with doing what I meant to have done, + and as I designed to have given her the ribbon, asserted she had given + it to me. When she appeared, my heart was agonized, but the presence of + so many people was more powerful than my compunction. I did not fear + punishment, but I dreaded shame: I dreaded it more than death, more than + the crime, more than all the world. I would have buried, hid myself in + the centre of the earth: invincible shame bore down every other + sentiment; shame alone caused all my impudence, and in proportion as I + became criminal, the fear of discovery rendered me intrepid. I felt no + dread but that of being detected, of being publicly, and to my face, + declared a thief, liar, and calumniator; an unconquerable fear of this + overcame every other sensation. Had I been left to myself, I should + infallibly have declared the truth. Or if M. de la Rogue had taken me + aside, and said—"Do not injure this poor girl; if you are guilty + own it,"—I am convinced I should instantly have thrown myself at + his feet; but they intimidated, instead of encouraging me. I was hardly + out of my childhood, or rather, was yet in it. It is also just to make + some allowance for my age. In youth, dark, premeditated villainy is more + criminal than in a riper age, but weaknesses are much less so; my fault + was truly nothing more; and I am less afflicted at the deed itself than + for its consequences. It had one good effect, however, in preserving me + through the rest of my life from any criminal action, from the terrible + impression that has remained from the only one I ever committed; and I + think my aversion for lying proceeds in a great measure from regret at + having been guilty of so black a one. If it is a crime that can be + expiated, as I dare believe, forty years of uprightness and honor on + various difficult occasions, with the many misfortunes that have + overwhelmed my latter years, may have completed it. Poor Marion has + found so many avengers in this world, that however great my offence + towards her, I do not fear to bear the guilt with me. Thus have I + disclosed what I had to say on this painful subject; may I be permitted + never to mention it again. + </p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> <a name="link3"></a> <br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK III. + </h1> + <br /><br /> + <p> + Leaving the service of Madam de Vercellis nearly as I had entered it, I + returned to my former hostess, and remained there five or six weeks; + during which time health, youth, and laziness, frequently rendered my + temperament importunate. I was restless, absent, and thoughtful: I wept + and sighed for a happiness I had no idea of, though at the same time + highly sensible of some deficiency. This situation is indescribable, few + men can even form any conception of it, because, in general, they have + prevented that plenitude of life, at once tormenting and delicious. My + thoughts were incessantly occupied with girls and women, but in a manner + peculiar to myself: these ideas kept my senses in a perpetual and + disagreeable activity, though, fortunately, they did not point out the + means of deliverance. I would have given my life to have met with a Miss + Goton, but the time was past in which the play of infancy predominated; + increase of years had introduced shame, the inseparable companion of a + conscious deviation from rectitude, which so confirmed my natural + timidity as to render it invincible; and never, either at that time or + since, could I prevail on myself to offer a proposition favorable to my + wishes (unless in a manner constrained to it by previous advances) even + with those whose scruples I had no cause to dread. + </p> + <p> + My stay at Madam de Vercellis's had procured me some acquaintance, which + I thought might be serviceable to me, and therefore wished to retain. + Among others, I sometimes visited a Savoyard abbe, M. Gaime, who was + tutor to the Count of Melarede's children. He was young, and not much + known, but possessed an excellent cultivated understanding, with great + probity, and was, altogether, one of the best men I ever knew. He was + incapable of doing me the service I then stood most in need of, not + having sufficient interest to procure me a situation, but from him I + reaped advantages far more precious, which have been useful to me + through life, lessons of pure morality, and maxims of sound judgment. + </p> + <p> + In the successive order of my inclinations and ideas, I had ever been + too high or too low. Achilles or Thersites; sometimes a hero, at others + a villain. M. Gaime took pains to make me properly acquainted with + myself, without sparing or giving me too much discouragement. He spoke + in advantageous terms of my disposition and talents, adding, that he + foresaw obstacles which would prevent my profiting by them; thus, + according to him, they were to serve less as steps by which I should + mount to fortune, than as resources which might enable me to exist + without one. He gave me a true picture of human life, of which, + hitherto, I had formed but a very erroneous idea, teaching me, that a + man of understanding, though destined to experience adverse fortune, + might, by skilful management, arrive at happiness; that there was no + true felicity without virtue, which was practicable in every situation. + He greatly diminished my admiration of grandeur, by proving that those + in a superior situation are neither better nor happier than those they + command. One of his maxims has frequently returned to my memory: it was, + that if we could truly read the hearts of others we should feel more + inclination to descend than rise: this reflection, the truth of which is + striking without extravagance, I have found of great utility, in the + various exigences of my life, as it tended to make me satisfied with my + condition. He gave me the first just conception of relative duties, + which my high-flown imagination had ever pictured in extremes, making me + sensible that the enthusiasm of sublime virtues is of little use in + society; that while endeavoring to rise too high we are in danger of + falling; and that a virtuous and uniform discharge of little duties + requires as great a degree of fortitude as actions which are called + heroic, and would at the same time procure more honor and happiness. + That it was infinitely more desirable to possess the lasting esteem of + those about us, than at intervals to attract admiration. + </p> + <p> + In properly arranging the various duties between man and man, it was + necessary to ascend to principles; the step I had recently taken, and of + which my present situation was the consequence, naturally led us to + speak of religion. It will easily be conceived that the honest M. Gaime + was, in a great measure, the original of the Savoyard Vicar; prudence + only obliging him to deliver his sentiments, on certain points, with + more caution and reserve, and explain himself with less freedom; but his + sentiments and councils were the same, not even excepting his advice to + return to my country; all was precisely as I have since given it to the + pubic. Dwelling no longer, therefore, on conversations which everyone + may see the substance of, I shall only add, that these wise instructions + (though they did not produce an immediate effect) were as so many seeds + of virtue and religion in my heart which were never rooted out, and only + required the fostering cares of friendship to bring to maturity. + </p> + <p> + Though my conversation was not very sincere, I was affected by his + discourses, and far from being weary, was pleased with them on account + of their clearness and simplicity, but above all because his heart + seemed interested in what he said. My disposition is naturally tender, I + have ever been less attached to people for the good they have really + done me than for that they designed to do, and my feelings in this + particular have seldom misled me: thus I truly esteemed M. Gaime. I was + in a manner his second disciple, which even at that time was of + inestimable service in turning me from a propensity to vice into which + my idleness was leading me. + </p> + <p> + One day, when I least expected it, I was sent for by the Count de la + Roque. Having frequently called at his house, without being able to + speak with him, I grew weary, and supposing he had either forgot me or + retained some unfavorable impression of me, returned no more: but I was + mistaken in both these conjectures. He had more than once witnessed the + pleasure I took in fulfilling my duty to his aunt: he had even mentioned + it to her, and afterwards spoke of it, when I no longer thought of it + myself. + </p> + <p> + He received me graciously, saying that instead of amusing me with + useless promises, he had sought to place me to advantage; that he had + succeeded, and would put me in a way to better my situation, but the + rest must depend on myself. That the family into which he should + introduce me being both powerful and esteemed, I should need no other + patrons; and though at first on the footing of a servant, I might Be + assured, that if my conduct and sentiments were found above that + station, I should not long remain in it. The end of this discourse + cruelly disappointed the brilliant hopes the beginning had inspired. + "What! forever a footman?" said I to myself, with a bitterness which + confidence presently effaced, for I felt myself too superior to that + situation to fear long remaining there. + </p> + <p> + He took me to the Count de Gauvon, Master of the Horse to the Queen, and + Chief of the illustrious House of Solar. The air of dignity conspicuous + in this respectable old man, rendered the affability with which he + received me yet more interesting. He questioned me with evident + interest, and I replied with sincerity. He then told the Count de la + Roque, that my features were agreeable, and promised intellect, which he + believed I was not deficient in; but that was not enough, and time must + show the rest; after which, turning to me, he said, "Child, almost all + situations are attended with difficulties in the beginning; yours, + however, shall not have too great a portion of them; be prudent, and + endeavor to please everyone, that will be almost your only employment; + for the rest fear nothing, you shall be taken care of." Immediately + after he went to the Marchioness de Breil, his daughter-in-law, to whom + he presented me, and then to the Abbe de Gauvon, his son. I was elated + with this beginning, as I knew enough of the world already to conclude, + that so much ceremony is not generally used at the reception of a + footman. In fact, I was not treated like one. I dined at the steward's + table; did not wear a livery; and the Count de Favria (a giddy youth) + having commanded me to get behind his coach, his grandfather ordered + that I should get behind no coach, nor follow any one out of the house. + Meantime, I waited at table, and did, within doors, the business of a + footman; but I did it, as it were, of my own free will, without being + appointed to any particular service; and except writing some letters, + which were dictated to me, and cutting out some ornaments for the Count + de Favria, I was almost the absolute master of my time. This trial of my + discretion, which I did not then perceive, was certainly very dangerous, + and not very humane; for in this state of idleness I might have + contracted vices which I should not otherwise have given into. + Fortunately, it did not produce that effect; my memory retained the + lessons of M. Gaime, they had made an impression on my heart, and I + sometimes escaped from the house of my patron to obtain a repetition of + them. I believe those who saw me going out, apparently by stealth, had + no conception of my business. Nothing could be more prudent than the + advice he gave me respecting my conduct. My beginning was admirable; so + much attention, assiduity, and zeal, had charmed everyone. The Abby + Gaime advised me to moderate this first ardor, lest I should relax, and + that relaxation should be considered as neglect. "Your setting out," + said he, "is the rule of what will be expected of you; endeavor + gradually to increase your attentions, but be cautious how you diminish + them." + </p> + <p> + As they paid but little attention to my trifling talents, and supposed I + possessed no more than nature had given me, there was no appearance + (notwithstanding the promises of Count de Gauvon) of my meeting with any + particular consideration. Some objects of more consequence had + intervened. The Marquis de Breil, son of the Count de Gauvon, was then + ambassador at Vienna; some circumstances had occurred at that court + which for some weeks kept the family in continual agitation, and left + them no time to think of me. Meantime I had relaxed but little in my + attentions, though one object in the family did me both good and harm, + making me more secure from exterior dissipation, but less attentive to + my duty. + </p> + <p> + Mademoiselle de Breil was about my own age, tolerably handsome, and very + fair complexioned, with black hair, which notwithstanding, gave her + features that air of softness so natural to the flaxen, and which my + heart could never resist. The court dress, so favorable to youth, showed + her fine neck and shape to advantage, and the mourning, which was then + worn, seemed to add to her beauty. It will be said, a domestic should + not take notice of these things; I was certainly to blame, yet I + perceived all this, nor was I the only one; the maitre d' hotel and + valet de chambre spoke of her sometimes at table with a vulgarity that + pained me extremely. My head, however, was not sufficiently turned to + allow of my being entirely in love; I did not forget myself, or my + situation. I loved to see Mademoiselle de Breil; to hear her utter + anything that marked wit, sense, or good humor: my ambition, confined to + a desire of waiting on her, never exceeded its just rights. At table I + was ever attentive to make the most of them; if her footman quitted her + chair, I instantly supplied his place; in default of this, I stood + facing her, seeking in her eyes what she was about to ask for, and + watching the moment to change her plate. What would I not have given to + hear her command, to have her look at, or speak the smallest word to me! + but no, I had the mortification to be beneath her regard; she did not + even perceive I was there. Her brother, who frequently spoke to me while + at table, having one day said something which I did not consider + obliging, I made him so arch and well-turned an answer, that it drew her + attention; she cast her eyes upon me, and this glance was sufficient to + fill me with transport. The next day, a second occasion presented + itself, which I fortunately made use of. A great dinner was given; and I + saw, with astonishment, for the first time, the maitre d' hotel waiting + at table, with a sword by his side, and hat on his head. By chance, the + discourse turned on the motto of the house of Solar, which was, with the + arms, worked in the tapestry: 'Tel fiert qui ne fue pas'. As the + Piedmontese are not in general very perfect in the French language, they + found fault with the orthography, saying, that in the word fiert there + should be no 't'. The old Count de Gauvon was going to reply, when + happening to cast his eyes on me, he perceived I smiled without daring + to say anything; he immediately ordered me to speak my opinion. I then + said, I did not think the 't' superfluous, 'fiert' being an old French + word, not derived from the noun 'ferus', proud, threatening; but from + the verb 'ferit', he strikes, he wounds; the motto, therefore, did not + appear to mean, some threat, but, 'Some strike who do not kill'. The + whole company fixed their eyes on me, then on each other, without + speaking a word; never was a greater degree of astonishment; but what + most flattered me, was an air of satisfaction which I perceived on the + countenance of Mademoiselle de Breil. This scornful lady deigned to cast + on me a second look at least as valuable as the former, and turning to + her grandfather, appeared to wait with impatience for the praise that + was due to me, and which he fully bestowed, with such apparent + satisfaction, that it was eagerly chorused by the whole table. This + interval was short, but delightful in many respects; it was one of those + moments so rarely met with, which place things in their natural order, + and revenge depressed merit for the injuries of fortune. Some minutes + after Mademoiselle de Breil again raised her eyes, desiring me with a + voice of timid affability to give her some drink. It will easily be + supposed I did not let her wait, but advancing towards her, I was seized + with such a trembling, that having filled the glass too full, I spilled + some of the water on her plate, and even on herself. Her brother asked + me, giddily, why I trembled thus? This question increased my confusion, + while the face of Mademoiselle de Breil was suffused with a crimson + blush. + </p> + <p> + Here ended the romance; where it may be remarked (as with Madam Basile, + and others in the continuation of my life) that I was not fortunate in + the conclusion of my amours. In vain I placed myself in the antechamber + of Madam de Breil, I could not obtain one mark of attention from her + daughter; she went in and out without looking at me, nor had I the + confidence to raise my eyes to her; I was even so foolishly stupid, that + one day, on dropping her glove as she passed, instead of seizing and + covering it with kisses, as I would gladly have done, I did not dare to + quit my place, but suffered it to be taken up by a great booby of a + footman, whom I could willingly have knocked down for his officiousness. + To complete my timidity, I perceived I had not the good fortune to + please Madam de Breil; she not only never ordered, but even rejected, my + services; and having twice found me in her antechamber, asked me, dryly, + "If I had nothing to do?" I was obliged, therefore, to renounce this + dear antechamber; at first it caused me some uneasiness, but other + things intervening, I presently thought no more of it. + </p> + <p> + The disdain of Madam de Breil was fully compensated by the kindness of + her father-in-law, who at length began to think of me. The evening after + the entertainment, I have already mentioned, he had a conversation with + me that lasted half an hour, which appeared to satisfy him, and + absolutely enchanted me. This good man had less sense than Madam de + Vercellis, but possessed more feeling; I therefore succeeded much better + with him. He bade me attach myself to his son, the Abbe Gauvon, who had + an esteem for me, which, if I took care to cultivate, might be + serviceable in furnishing me with what was necessary to complete their + views for my future establishment. The next morning I flew to M. the + Abbe, who did not receive me as a servant, but made me sit by his + fireside, and questioned me with great affability. He soon found that my + education, which had attempted many things, had completed none; but + observing that I understood something of Latin, he undertook to teach me + more, and appointed me to attend him every morning. Thus, by one of the + whimsicalities which have marked the whole course of my life, at once + above and below my natural situation, I was pupil and footman in the + same house: and though in servitude, had a preceptor whose birth + entitled him to supply that place only to the children of kings. + </p> + <p> + The Abbe de Gauvon was a younger son, and designed by his family for a + bishopric, for which reason his studies had been pursued, further than + is usual with people of quality. He had been sent to the university of + Sienna, where he had resided some years, and from whence he had brought + a good portion of cruscantism, designing to be that at Turin which the + Abbe de Dangeau was formerly at Paris. Being disgusted with theology, he + gave in to the belle-lettres, which is very frequent in Italy, with + those who have entered the career of prelacy. He had studied the poets, + and wrote tolerable Latin and Italian verses; in a word, his taste was + calculated to form mine, and give some order to that chaos of + insignificant trash with which my brain was encumbered; but whether my + prating had misled him, or that he could not support the trouble of + teaching the elementary parts of Latin, he put me at first too high; and + I had scarcely translated a few fables of Phoedrus before he put me into + Virgil, where I could hardly understand anything. It will be seen + hereafter that I was destined frequently to learn Latin, but never to + attain it. I labored with assiduity, and the abbe bestowed his attention + with a degree of kindness, the remembrance of which, even at this time, + both interests and softens me. I passed the greater part of the morning + with him as much for my own instruction as his service; not that he ever + permitted me to perform any menial office, but to copy, or write from + his dictating; and my employment of secretary was more useful than that + of scholar, and by this means I not only learned the Italian in its + utmost purity, but also acquired a taste for literature, and some + discernment of composition, which could not have been at La Tribu's, and + which was useful to me when I afterwards wrote alone. + </p> + <p> + At this period of my life, without being romantic, I might reasonably + have indulged the hope of preferment. The abbe, thoroughly pleased with + me, expressed his satisfaction to everyone, while his father had such a + singular affection for me, that I was assured by the Count de Favria, + that he had spoken of me to the king; even Madam de Breil had laid aside + her disdainful looks; in short I was a general favorite, which gave + great jealousy to the other servants, who seeing me honored by the + instructions of their master's son, were persuaded I should not remain + their equal. + </p> + <p> + As far as I could judge by some words dropped at random, and which I + reflected on afterwards, it appeared to me, that the House of Solar, + wishing to run the career of embassies, and hoping perhaps in time to + arrive at the ministry, wished to provide themselves with a person of + merit and talents, who depending entirely on them, might obtain their + confidence, and be of essential service. This project of the Count de + Gauvon was judicious, magnanimous, and truly worthy of a powerful + nobleman, equally provident and generous; but besides my not seeing, at + that time, its full extent, it was far too rational for my brain, and + required too much confinement. + </p> + <p> + My ridiculous ambition sought for fortune in the midst of brilliant + adventures, and not finding one woman in all this scheme, it appeared + tedious, painful and melancholy; though I should rather have thought it + more honorable on this account, as the species of merit generally + patronized by women is certainly less worthy that I was supposed to + possess. + </p> + <p> + Everything succeeded to my wish: I had obtained, almost forced, the + esteem of all; the trial was over, and I was universally considered as a + young man with flattering prospects, who was not at present in his + proper sphere, but was expected soon to reach it; but my place was not + assigned me by man, and I was to reach it by very difficult paths. I now + come to one of those characteristic traits, which are so natural to me, + and which, indeed, the reader might have observed without this + reflection. + </p> + <p> + There were at Turin several new converts of my own stamp, whom I neither + liked nor wish to see; but I had met with some Genevese who were not of + this description, and among others a M. Mussard, nicknamed Wryneck, a + miniature painter, and a distant relation. This M. Mussard, having + learned my situation at the Count de Gauvon's, came to see me, with + another Genevese, named Bacle, who had been my comrade during my + apprenticeship. This Bacle was a very sprightly, amusing young fellow, + full of lively sallies, which at his time of life appeared extremely + agreeable. At once, then, behold me delighted with M. Bacle; charmed to + such a degree that I found it impossible to quit him. He was shortly to + depart for Geneva; what a loss had I to sustain! I felt the whole force + of it, and resolving to make the best use of this precious interval, I + determined not to leave him, or, rather, he never quitted me, for my + head was not yet sufficiently turned to think of quitting the house + without leave, but it was soon perceived that he engrossed my whole + time, and he was accordingly forbid the house. This so incensed me, that + forgetting everything but my friend Bacle, I went neither to the abbe + nor the count, and was no longer to be found at home. I paid no + attention to repeated reprimands, and at length was threatened with + dismissal. This threat was my ruin, as it suggested the idea that it was + not absolutely necessary that Bacle should depart alone. From that + moment I could think of no other pleasure, no other situation or + happiness than taking this journey. To render the felicity still more + complete, at the end of it (though at an immense distance) I pictured to + myself Madam de Warrens; for as to returning to Geneva, it never entered + into my imagination. The hills, fields, brooks and villages, incessantly + succeeded each other with new charms, and this delightful jaunt seemed + worthy to absorb my whole existence. Memory recalled, with inexpressible + pleasure, how charming the country had appeared in coming to Turin; what + then must it be, when, to the pleasure of independence, should be added + the company of a good-humored comrade of my own age and disposition, + without any constraint or obligation, but free to go or stay as we + pleased? Would it not be madness to sacrifice the prospect of so much + felicity to projects of ambition, slow and difficult in their execution, + and uncertain in their event? But even supposing them realized, and in + their utmost splendor, they were not worth one quarter of an hour of the + sweet pleasure and liberty of youth. + </p> + <p> + Full of these wise conclusions, I conducted myself so improperly, that + (not indeed without some trouble) I got myself dismissed; for on my + return one night the maitre de hotel gave me warning on the part of the + count. This was exactly what I wanted; for feeling, spite of myself, the + extravagance of my conduct, I wished to excuse it by the addition of + injustice and ingratitude, by throwing the blame on others, and + sheltering myself under the idea of necessity. + </p> + <p> + I was told the Count de Favria wished to speak with me the next morning + before my departure; but, being sensible that my head was so far turned + as to render it possible for me to disobey the injunction, the maitre de + hotel declined paying the money designed me, and which certainly I had + very ill earned, till after this visit; for my kind patrons being + unwilling to place me in the situation of a footman, I had not any fixed + wages. + </p> + <p> + The Count de Favria, though young and giddy, talked to me on this + occasion in the most sensible and serious manner: I might add, if it + would not be thought vain, with the utmost tenderness. He reminded me, + in the most flattering terms, of the cares of his uncle, and intentions + of his grandfather; after having drawn in lively colors what I was + sacrificing to ruin, he offered to make my peace, without stipulating + any conditions, but that I should no more see the worthless fellow who + had seduced me. + </p> + <p> + It was so apparent that he did not say all this of himself, that + notwithstanding my blind stupidity, I powerfully felt the kindness of my + good old master, but the dear journey was too firmly printed on my + imagination for any consideration to balance the charm. Bereft of + understanding, firm to my purpose, I hardened myself against conviction, + and arrogantly answered, that as they had thought fit to give me + warning, I had resolved to take it, and conceived it was now too late to + retract, since, whatever might happen to me, I was fully resolved not to + be driven a second time from the same house. The count, justly + irritated, bestowed on me some names which I deserved, and putting me + out of his apartment by the shoulders, shut the door on me. I departed + triumphant, as if I had gained the greatest victory, and fearful of + sustaining a second combat even had the ingratitude to leave the house + without thanking the abbe for his kindness. + </p> + <p> + To form a just conception of my delirium at that moment, the excess to + which my heart is subject to be heated by the most trifling incidents, + and the ardor with which my imagination seizes on the most attractive + objects should be conceived. At these times, plans the most ridiculous, + childish, and void of sense, flatter my favorite idea, and persuade me + that it is reasonable to sacrifice everything to the possession of it. + Would it be believed, that when near nineteen, any one could be so + stupid as to build his hopes of future subsistence on an empty phial? + For example: + </p> + <p> + The Abbe de Gauvon had made me a present, some weeks before, of a very + pretty heron fountain, with which I was highly delighted. Playing with + this toy, and speaking of our departure, the sage Bacle and myself + thought it might be of infinite advantage, and enable us to lengthen our + journey. What in the world was so curious as a heron fountain? This idea + was the foundation on which we built our future fortune: we were to + assemble the country people in every village we might pass through, and + delight them with the sight of it, when feasting and good cheer would be + sure to pour on us abundantly; for we were both firmly persuaded, that + provisions could cost nothing to those who grew and gathered them, and + if they did not stuff travellers, it was downright ill-nature. + </p> + <p> + We pictured in all parts entertainments and weddings, reckoning that + without any expense but wind from our lungs, and the water of our + fountain, we should be maintained through Piedmont, Savoy, France, and + indeed, all the world over. There was no end to our projected travels, + and we immediately directed our course northward, rather for the + pleasure of crossing the Alps, than from a supposed necessity of being + obliged to stop at any place. + </p> + <p> + Such was the plan on which I set out, abandoning without regret, my + preceptors, studies, and hopes, with the almost certain attainment of a + fortune, to lead the life of a real vagabond. Farewell to the capital; + adieu to the court, ambition, love, the fair, and all the great + adventures into which hope had led me during the preceding year! I + departed with my fountain and my friend Bacle, a purse lightly + furnished, but a heart over-flowing with pleasure, and only thinking how + to enjoy the extensive felicity which I supposed my project encircled. + </p> + <p> + This extravagant journey was performed almost as agreeably as I had + expected, though not exactly on the same plan; not but our fountain + highly amused the hostess and servants for some minutes at all the + ale-houses where we halted, yet we found it equally necessary to pay on + our departure; but that gave us no concern, as we never thought of + depending on it entirely until our money should be expended. An accident + spared us that trouble, our fountain was broken near Bramant, and in + good time, for we both felt (though without daring to own it to each + other) that we began to be weary of it. This misfortune rendered us + gayer than ever; we laughed heartily at our giddiness in having + forgotten that our clothes and shoes would wear out, or trusting to + renew them by the play of our fountain. We continued our journey as + merrily as we had begun it, only drawing faster towards that termination + where our drained purses made it necessary for us to arrive. + </p> + <p> + At Chambery I became pensive; not for the folly I had committed, for + never did any one think less of the past, but on account of the + reception I should meet with from Madam de Warrens; for I looked on her + house as my paternal home. I had written her an account of my reception + at the Count de Gauvon's; she knew my expectancies, and, in + congratulating me on my good fortune, had added some wise lessons on the + return I ought to make for the kindness with which they treated me. She + looked on my fortune as already made, if not destroyed by my own + negligence; what then would she say on my arrival? for it never entered + my mind that she might shut the door against me, but I dreaded the + uneasiness I might give her; I dreaded her reproaches, to me more + wounding than want; I resolved to bear all in silence, and, if possible + to appease her. I now saw nothing but Madam de Warrens in the whole + universe, and to live in disgrace with her was impossible. + </p> + <p> + I was most concerned about my companion, whom I did not wish to offend, + and feared I should not easily get rid of. I prefaced this separation by + an affected coldness during the last day's journey. The drole understood + me perfectly; in fact, he was rather giddy than deficient in point of + sense—I expected he would have been hurt at my inconstancy, but I + was quite mistaken; nothing affected my friend Bacle, for hardly had we + set foot in town, on our arrival in Annecy, before he said, "You are now + at home,"—embraced—bade me adieu—turned on his heel, + and disappeared; nor have I ever heard of him since. + </p> + <p> + How did my heart beat as I approached the habitation of Madam de + Warrens! my legs trembled under me, my eyes were clouded with a mist, I + neither saw, heard, nor recollected any one, and was obliged frequently + to stop that I might draw breath, and recall my bewildered senses. Was + it fear of not obtaining that succor I stood in need of, which agitated + me to this degree? At the age I then was, does the fear of perishing + with hunger give such alarms? No: I declare with as much truth as pride, + that it was not in the power of interest or indigence, at any period of + my life, to expand or contract my heart. In the course of a painful + life, memorable for its vicissitudes, frequently destitute of an asylum, + and without bread, I have contemplated, with equal indifference, both + opulence and misery. In want I might have begged or stolen, as others + have done, but never could feel distress at being reduced to such + necessities. Few men have grieved more than myself, few have shed so + many tears; yet never did poverty, or the fear of falling into it, make + me heave a sigh or moisten my eyelids. My soul, in despite of fortune, + has only been sensible of real good and evil, which did not depend on + her; and frequently, when in possession of everything that could make + life pleasing, I have been the most miserable of mortals. + </p> + <p> + The first glance of Madam de Warrens banished all my fears—my + heart leaped at the sound of her voice; I threw myself at her feet, and + in transports of the most lively joy, pressed my lips upon her hand. I + am ignorant whether she had received any recent information of me. I + discovered but little surprise on her countenance, and no sorrow. "Poor + child!" said she, in an affectionate tone, "art thou here again? I knew + you were too young for this journey; I am very glad, however, that it + did not turn out so bad as I apprehended." She then made me recount my + history; it was not long, and I did it faithfully: suppressing only some + trifling circumstances, but on the whole neither sparing nor excusing + myself. + </p> + <p> + The question was, where I could lodge: she consulted her maid on this + point—I hardly dared to breathe during the deliberation; but when + I heard I was to sleep in the house, I could scarce contain my joy; and + saw the little bundle I brought with me carried into my destined + apartment with much the same sensations as St. Preux saw his chaise put + up at Madam de Wolmar's. To complete all, I had the satisfaction to find + that this favor was not to be transitory; for at a moment when they + thought me attentive to something else, I heard Madam de Warrens say, + "They may talk as they please, but since Providence has sent him back, I + am determined not to abandon him." + </p> + <p> + Behold me, then, established at her house; not, however, that I date the + happiest days of my life from this period, but this served to prepare me + for them. Though that sensibility of heart, which enables us truly to + enjoy our being, is the work of Nature, and perhaps a mere effect of + organization, yet it requires situations to unfold itself, and without a + certain concurrence of favorable circumstances, a man born with the most + acute sensibility may go out of the world without ever having been + acquainted with his own temperament. This was my case till that time, + and such perhaps it might have remained had I never known Madam de + Warrens, or even having known her, had I not remained with her long + enough to contract that pleasing habit of affectionate sentiments with + which she inspired me. I dare affirm, that those who only love, do not + feel the most charming sensations we are capable of: I am acquainted + with another sentiment, less impetuous, but a thousand times more + delightful; sometimes joined with love, but frequently separated from + it. This feeling is not simply friendship; it is more enchanting, more + tender; nor do I imagine it can exist between persons of the same sex; + at least I have been truly a friend, if ever a man was, and yet never + experienced it in that kind. This distinction is not sufficiently clear, + but will become so hereafter: sentiments are only distinguishable by + their effects. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Warrens inhabited an old house, but large enough to have a + handsome spare apartment, which she made her drawing-room. I now + occupied this chamber, which was in the passage I have before mentioned + as the place of our first meeting. Beyond the brook and gardens was a + prospect of the country, which was by no means uninteresting to the + young inhabitant, being the first time, since my residence at Bossey, + that I had seen anything before my windows but walls, roofs, or the + dirty street. How pleasing then was this novelty! it helped to increase + the tenderness of my disposition, for I looked on this charming + landscape as the gift of my dear patroness, who I could almost fancy had + placed it there on purpose for me. Peaceably seated, my eyes pursued her + amidst the flowers and the verdure; her charms seemed to me confounded + with those of the spring; my heart, till now contracted, here found + means to expand itself, and my sighs exhaled freely in this charming + retreat. + </p> + <p> + The magnificence I had been accustomed to at Turin was not to be found + at Madam de Warrens, but in lieu of it there was neatness, regularity, + and a patriarchal abundance, which is seldom attached to pompous + ostentation. She had very little plate, no china, no game in her + kitchen, or foreign wines in her cellar, but both were well furnished, + and at every one's service; and her coffee, though served in earthenware + cups, was excellent. Whoever came to her house was invited to dine + there, and never did laborer, messenger, or traveller, depart without + refreshment. Her family consisted of a pretty chambermaid from Fribourg, + named Merceret; a valet from her own country called Claude Anet (of whom + I shall speak hereafter), a cook, and two hired chairmen when she + visited, which seldom happened. This was a great deal to be done out of + two thousand livres a year; yet, with good management, it might have + been sufficient in a country where land is extremely good, and money + very scarce. Unfortunately, economy was never her favorite virtue; she + contracted debts—paid them—thus her money passed from hand + to hand like a weaver's shuttle, and quickly disappeared. + </p> + <p> + The arrangement of her housekeeping was exactly what I should have + chosen, and I shared it with satisfaction. I was least pleased with the + necessity of remaining too long at table. Madam de Warrens was so much + incommoded with the first smell of soup or meat, as almost to occasion + fainting; from this she slowly recovered, talking meantime, and never + attempting to eat for the first half hour. I could have dined thrice in + the time, and had ever finished my meal long before she began; I then + ate again for company; and though by this means I usually dined twice, + felt no inconvenience from it. In short, I was perfectly at my ease, and + the happier as my situation required no care. Not being at this time + instructed in the state of her finances, I supposed her means were + adequate to her expense; and though I afterwards found the same + abundance, yet when instructed in her real situation, finding her + pension ever anticipated, prevented me from enjoying the same + tranquility. Foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment; in vain + I saw the approach of misfortunes, I was never the more likely to avoid + them. + </p> + <p> + From the first moment of our meeting, the softest familiarity was + established between us: and in the same degree it continued during the + rest of her life. Child was my name, Mamma was hers, and child and mamma + we have ever continued, even after a number of years had almost effaced + the apparent difference of age between us. I think those names convey an + exact idea of our behavior, the simplicity of our manners, and above + all, the similarity of our dispositions. To me she was the tenderest of + mothers, ever preferring my welfare to her own pleasure; and if my own + satisfaction found some interest in my attachment to her, it was not to + change its nature, but only to render it more exquisite, and infatuate + me with the charm of having a mother young and handsome, whom I was + delighted to caress: I say literally, to caress, for never did it enter + into her imagination to deny me the tenderest maternal kisses and + endearments, or into my heart to abuse them. It will be said, at length + our connection was of a different kind: I confess it; but have patience, + that will come in its turn. + </p> + <p> + The sudden sight of her, on our first interview, was the only truly + passionate moment she ever inspired me with; and even that was + principally the work of surprise. With her I had neither transports nor + desires, but remained in a ravishing calm, sensible of a happiness I + could not define, and thus could I have passed my whole life, or even + eternity, without feeling an instant of uneasiness. + </p> + <p> + She was the only person with whom I never experienced that want of + conversation, which to me is so painful to endure. Our tete-a-tetes were + rather an inexhaustible chat than conversation, which could only + conclude from interruption. So far from finding discourse difficult, I + rather thought it a hardship to be silent; unless, when contemplating + her projects, she sunk into a reverie; when I silently let her meditate, + and gazing on her, was the happiest of men. I had another singular + fancy, which was that without pretending to the favor of a tete-a-tete, + I was perpetually seeking occasion to form them, enjoying such + opportunities with rapture; and when importunate visitors broke in upon + us, no matter whether it was man or woman, I went out murmuring, not + being able to remain a secondary object in her company; then, counting + the minutes in her antechamber, I used to curse these eternal visitors, + thinking it inconceivable how they could find so much to say, because I + had still more. + </p> + <p> + If ever I felt the full force of my attachment, it was when I did not + see her. When in her presence, I was only content; when absent, my + uneasiness reached almost to melancholy, and a wish to live with her + gave me emotions of tenderness even to tears. Never shall I forget one + great holiday, while she was at vespers, when I took a walk out of the + city, my heart full of her image, and the ardent wish to pass my life + with her. I could easily enough see that at present this was impossible; + that the happiness I enjoyed would be of short duration, and this idea + gave to my contemplations a tincture of melancholy, which, however, was + not gloomy, but tempered with a flattering hope. The ringing of bells, + which ever particularly affects me, the singing of birds, the fineness + of the day, the beauty of the landscape, the scattered country houses, + among which in idea I placed our future dwelling, altogether struck me + with an impression so lively, tender, melancholy, and powerful, that I + saw myself in ecstasy transported into that happy time and abode, where + my heart, possessing all the felicity it could desire, might taste it + with raptures inexpressible. + </p> + <p> + I never recollect to have enjoyed the future with such force of + illusions as at that time; and what has particularly struck me in the + recollection of this reverie, is that when realized, I found my + situation exactly as I had imagined it. If ever waking dream had an + appearance of a prophetic vision, it was assuredly this; I was only + deceived in its imaginary duration, for days, years, and life itself, + passed ideally in perfect tranquility, while the reality lasted but a + moment. Alas! my most durable happiness was but as a dream, which I had + no sooner had a glimpse of, than I instantly awoke. + </p> + <p> + I know not when I should have done, if I was to enter into a detail of + all the follies that affection for my dear Madam de Warrens made me + commit. When absent from her, how often have I kissed the bed on a + supposition that she had slept there; the curtains and all the furniture + of my chamber, on recollecting they were hers, and that her charming + hands had touched them; nay, the floor itself, when I considered she had + walked there. Sometimes even in her presence, extravagancies escaped me, + which only the most violent passions seemed capable of inspiring; in a + word, there was but one essential difference to distinguish me from an + absolute lover, and that particular renders my situation almost + inconceivable. + </p> + <p> + I had returned from Italy, not absolutely as I went there, but as no one + of my age, perhaps, ever did before, being equally unacquainted with + women. My ardent constitution had found resources in those means by + which youth of my disposition sometimes preserve their purity at the + expense of health, vigor, and frequently of life itself. My local + situation should likewise be considered—living with a pretty + woman, cherishing her image in the bottom of my heart, seeing her during + the whole day, at night surrounded with objects that recalled her + incessantly to my remembrance, and sleeping in the bed where I knew she + had slept. What a situation! Who can read this without supposing me on + the brink of the grave? But quite the contrary; that which might have + ruined me, acted as a preservative, at least for a time. Intoxicated + with the charm of living with her, with the ardent desire of passing my + life there, absent or present I saw in her a tender mother, an amiable + sister, a respected friend, but nothing more; meantime, her image filled + my heart, and left room far no other object. The extreme tenderness with + which she inspired me excluded every other woman from my consideration, + and preserved me from the whole sex: in a word, I was virtuous, because + I loved her. Let these particulars, which I recount but indifferently, + be considered, and then let any one judge what kind of attachment I had + for her: for my part, all I can say, is, that if it hitherto appears + extraordinary, it will appear much more so in the sequel. + </p> + <p> + My time passed in the most agreeable manner, though occupied in a way + which was by no means calculated to please me; such as having projects + to digest, bills to write fair, receipts to transcribe, herbs to pick, + drugs to pound, or distillations to attend; and in the midst of all + this, came crowds of travellers, beggars, and visitors of all + denominations. Some times it was necessary to converse at the same time + with a soldier, an apothecary, a prebendary, a fine lady, and a lay + brother. I grumbled, swore, and wished all this troublesome medley at + the devil, while she seemed to enjoy it, laughing at my chagrin till the + tears ran down her cheeks. What excited her mirth still more, was to see + that my anger was increased by not being able myself to refrain from + laughter. These little intervals, in which I enjoyed the pleasure of + grumbling, were charming; and if, during the dispute, another + importunate visitor arrived, she would add to her amusement by + maliciously prolonging the visit, meantime casting glances at me for + which I could almost have beat her; nor could she without difficulty + refrain from laughter on seeing my constrained politeness, though every + moment glancing at her the look of a fury, while, even in spite of + myself, I thought the scene truly diverting. + </p> + <p> + All this, without being pleasing in itself, contributed to amuse, + because it made up a part of a life which I thought delightful. Nothing + that was performed around me, nothing that I was obliged to do, suited + my taste, but everything suited my heart; and I believe, at length, I + should have liked the study of medicine, had not my natural distaste to + it perpetually engaged us in whimsical scenes, that prevented my + thinking of it in a serious light. It was, perhaps, the first time that + this art produced mirth. I pretended to distinguish a physical book by + its smell, and what was more diverting, was seldom mistaken. Madam de + Warrens made me taste the most nauseous drugs; in vain I ran, or + endeavored to defend myself; spite of resistance or wry faces, spite of + my struggles, or even of my teeth, when I saw her charming fingers + approach my lips, I was obliged to give up the contest. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="p098" id="p098"></a> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="p098.jpg (104K)" src="images/p098.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <p> + When shut up in an apartment with all her medical apparatus, any one who + had heard us running and shouting amidst peals of laughter would rather + have imagined we had been acting a farce than preparing opiates or + elixirs. + </p> + <p> + My time, however, was not entirely passed in these fooleries; in the + apartment which I occupied I found a few books: there was the Spectator, + Puffendorf, St. Everemond, and the Henriade. Though I had not my old + passion for books, yet I amused myself with reading a part of them. The + Spectator was particularly pleasing and serviceable to me. The Abbe de + Gauvon had taught me to read less eagerly, and with a greater degree of + attention, which rendered my studies more serviceable. I accustomed + myself to reflect on elocution and the elegance of composition; + exercising myself in discerning pure French from my provincial idiom. + For example, I corrected an orthographical fault (which I had in common + with all Genevese) by these two lines of the Henriade: + </p> + <p> + Soit qu' un ancient respect pour le sang de leurs maitres, Parlat encore + pour lui dans le coeur de ces traitres + </p> + <p> + I was struck with the word 'parlat', and found a 't' was necessary to + form the third person of the subjunctive, whereas I had always written + and pronounced it parla, as in the present of the indicative. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes my studies were the subject of conversation with Madam de + Warrens; sometimes I read to her, in which I found great satisfaction; + and as I endeavored to read well, it was extremely serviceable to me. I + have already observed that her mind was cultivated; her understanding + was at this time in its meridian. Several people of learning having been + assiduous to ingratiate themselves, had taught her to distinguish works + of merit; but her taste (if I may so express myself) was rather + Protestant; ever speaking warmly of Bayle, and highly esteeming St. + Evremond, though long since almost forgotten in France: but this did not + prevent her having a taste for literature, or expressing her thoughts + with elegance. She had been brought up with polite company, and coming + young to Savoy, by associating with people of the best fashion, had lost + the affected manners of her own country, where the ladies mistake wit + for sense, and only speak in epigram. + </p> + <p> + Though she had seen the court but superficially, that glance was + sufficient to give her a competent idea of it; and notwithstanding + secret jealousies and the murmurs excited by her conduct and running in + debt, she ever preserved friends there, and never lost her pension. She + knew the world, and was useful. This was her favorite theme in our + conversations, and was directly opposite to my chimerical ideas, though + the kind of instruction I particularly had occasion for. We read Bruyere + together; he pleased her more than Rochefoucault, who is a dull, + melancholy author, particularly to youth, who are not fond of + contemplating man as he really is. In moralizing she sometimes + bewildered herself by the length of her discourse; but by kissing her + lips or hand from time to time I was easily consoled, and never found + them wearisome. + </p> + <p> + This life was too delightful to be lasting; I felt this, and the + uneasiness that thought gave me was the only thing that disturbed my + enjoyment. Even in playfulness she studied my disposition, observed and + interrogated me, forming projects for my future fortune, which I could + readily have dispensed with. Happily it was not sufficient to know my + disposition, inclinations and talents; it was likewise necessary to find + a situation in which they would be useful, and this was not the work of + a day. Even the prejudices this good woman had conceived in favor of my + merit put off the time of calling it into action, by rendering her more + difficult in the choice of means; thus (thanks to the good opinion she + entertained of me), everything answered to my wish; but a change soon + happened which put a period to my tranquility. + </p> + <p> + A relation of Madam de Warrens, named M. d'Aubonne, came to see her; a + man of great understanding and intrigue, being, like her, fond of + projects, though careful not to ruin himself by them. He had offered + Cardinal Fleury a very compact plan for a lottery, which, however, had + not been approved of, and he was now going to propose it to the court of + Turin, where it was accepted and put into execution. He remained some + time at Annecy, where he fell in love with the Intendant's lady, who was + very amiable, much to my taste and the only person I saw with pleasure + at the house of Madam de Warrens. M. d'Aubonne saw me, I was strongly + recommended by his relation; he promised, therefore, to question and see + what I was fit for, and, if he found me capable to seek me a situation. + Madam de Warrens sent me to him two or three mornings, under pretense of + messages, without acquainting me with her real intention. He spoke to me + gayly, on various subjects, without any appearance of observation; his + familiarity presently set me talking, which by his cheerful and jesting + manner he encouraged without restraint—I was absolutely charmed + with him. The result of his observations was, that notwithstanding the + animation of my countenance, and promising exterior, if not absolutely + silly, I was a lad of very little sense, and without ideas of learning; + in fine, very ignorant in all respects, and if I could arrive at being + curate of some village, it was the utmost honor I ought ever to aspire + to. Such was the account he gave of me to Madam de Warrens. This was not + the first time such an opinion had been formed of me, neither was it the + last; the judgment of M. Masseron having been repeatedly confirmed. + </p> + <p> + The cause of these opinions is too much connected with my character not + to need a particular explanation; for it will not be supposed that I can + in conscience subscribe to them; and with all possible impartiality, + whatever M. Masseron, M. d'Aubonne and many others may have said, I + cannot help thinking them mistaken. + </p> + <p> + Two things very opposite, unite in me, and in a manner which I cannot + myself conceive. My disposition is extremely ardent, my passions lively + and impetuous, yet my ideas are produced slowly, with great + embarrassment and after much afterthought. It might be said my heart and + understanding do not belong to the same individual. A sentiment takes + possession of my soul with the rapidity of lightning, but instead of + illuminating, it dazzles and confounds me; I feel all, but see nothing; + I am warm, but stupid; to think I must be cool. What is astonishing, my + conception is clear and penetrating, if not hurried: I can make + excellent impromptus at leisure, but on the instant, could never say or + do anything worth notice. I could hold a tolerable conversation by the + post, as they say the Spaniards play at chess, and when I read that + anecdote of a duke of Savoy, who turned himself round, while on a + journey, to cry out 'a votre gorge, marchand de Paris!' I said, "Here is + a trait of my character!" + </p> + <p> + This slowness of thought, joined to vivacity of feeling, I am not only + sensible of in conversation, but even alone. When I write, my ideas are + arranged with the utmost difficulty. They glance on my imagination and + ferment till they discompose, heat, and bring on a palpitation; during + this state of agitation, I see nothing properly, cannot write a single + word, and must wait till it is over. Insensibly the agitation subsides, + the chaos acquires form, and each circumstance takes its proper place. + Have you never seen an opera in Italy? where during the change of scene + everything is in confusion, the decorations are intermingled, and any + one would suppose that all would be overthrown; yet by little and + little, everything is arranged, nothing appears wanting, and we feel + surprised to see the tumult succeeded by the most delightful spectacle. + This is a resemblance of what passes in my brain when I attempt to + write; had I always waited till that confusion was past, and then + pointed, in their natural beauties, the objects that had presented + themselves, few authors would have surpassed me. + </p> + <p> + Thence arises the extreme difficulty I find in writing; my manuscripts, + blotted, scratched, and scarcely legible, attest the trouble they cost + me; nor is there one of them but I have been obliged to transcribe four + or five times before it went to press. Never could I do anything when + placed at a table, pen in hand; it must be walking among the rocks, or + in the woods; it is at night in my bed, during my wakeful hours, that I + compose; it may be judged how slowly, particularly for a man who has not + the advantage of verbal memory, and never in his life could retain by + heart six verses. Some of my periods I have turned and returned in my + head five or six nights before they were fit to be put to paper: thus it + is that I succeed better in works that require laborious attention, than + those that appear more trivial, such as letters, in which I could never + succeed, and being obliged to write one is to me a serious punishment; + nor can I express my thoughts on the most trivial subjects without it + costing me hours of fatigue. If I write immediately what strikes me, my + letter is a long, confused, unconnected string of expressions, which, + when read, can hardly be understood. + </p> + <p> + It is not only painful to me to give language to my ideas but even to + receive them. I have studied mankind, and think myself a tolerable + observer, yet I know nothing from what I see, but all from what I + remember, nor have I understanding except in my recollections. From all + that is said, from all that passes in my presence, I feel nothing, + conceive nothing, the exterior sign being all that strikes me; + afterwards it returns to my remembrance; I recollect the place, the + time, the manner, the look, and gesture, not a circumstance escapes me; + it is then, from what has been done or said, that I imagine what has + been thought, and I have rarely found myself mistaken. + </p> + <p> + So little master of my understanding when alone, let any one judge what + I must be in conversation, where to speak with any degree of ease you + must think of a thousand things at the same time: the bare idea that I + should forget something material would be sufficient to intimidate me. + Nor can I comprehend how people can have the confidence to converse in + large companies, where each word must pass in review before so many, and + where it would be requisite to know their several characters and + histories to avoid saying what might give offence. In this particular, + those who frequent the world would have a great advantage, as they know + better where to be silent, and can speak with greater confidence; yet + even they sometimes let fall absurdities; in what predicament then must + he be who drops as it were from the clouds? it is almost impossible he + should speak ten minutes with impunity. + </p> + <p> + In a tete-a-tete there is a still worse inconvenience; that is; the + necessity of talking perpetually, at least, the necessity of answering + when spoken to, and keeping up the conversation when the other is + silent. This insupportable constraint is alone sufficient to disgust me + with variety, for I cannot form an idea of a greater torment than being + obliged to speak continually without time for recollection. I know not + whether it proceeds from my mortal hatred of all constraint; but if I am + obliged to speak, I infallibly talk nonsense. What is still worse, + instead of learning how to be silent when I have absolutely nothing to + say, it is generally at such times that I have a violent inclination: + and endeavoring to pay my debt of conversation as speedily as possible, + I hastily gabble a number of words without ideas, happy when they only + chance to mean nothing; thus endeavoring to conquer or hide my + incapacity, I rarely fail to show it. + </p> + <p> + I think I have said enough to show that, though not a fool, I have + frequently passed for one, even among people capable of judging; this + was the more vexatious, as my physiognomy and eyes promised otherwise, + and expectation being frustrated, my stupidity appeared the more + shocking. This detail, which a particular occasion gave birth to, will + not be useless in the sequel, being a key to many of my actions which + might otherwise appear unaccountable; and have been attributed to a + savage humor I do not possess. I love society as much as any man, was I + not certain to exhibit myself in it, not only disadvantageously, but + totally different from what I really am. The plan I have adopted of + writing and retirement, is what exactly suits me. Had I been present, my + worth would never have been known, no one would even have suspected it; + thus it was with Madam Dupin, a woman of sense, in whose house I lived + for several years; indeed, she has often since owned it to me: though on + the whole this rule may be subject to some exceptions. I shall now + return to my history. + </p> + <p> + The estimate of my talents thus fixed, the situation I was capable of + promised, the question only remained how to render her capable of + fulfilling my destined vocation. The principle difficulty was, I did not + know Latin enough for a priest. Madam de Warrens determined to have me + taught for some time at the seminary, and accordingly spoke of it to the + Superior, who was a Lazarist, called M. Gras, a good-natured little + fellow, half blind, meagre, gray-haired, insensible, and the least + pedantic of any Lazarist I ever knew; which, in fact, is saying no great + matter. + </p> + <p> + He frequently visited Madam de Warrens, who entertained, caressed, and + made much of him, letting him sometimes lace her stays, an office he was + willing enough to perform. While thus employed, she would run about the + room, this way or that, as occasion happened to call her. Drawn by the + lace, Monsieur the Superior followed, grumbling, repeating at every + moment, "Pray, madam, do stand still;" the whole forming a scene truly + diverting. + </p> + <p> + M. Gras willingly assented to the project of Madam de Warrens, and, for + a very moderate pension, charged himself with the care of instructing + me. The consent of the bishop was all that remained necessary, who not + only granted it, but offered to pay the pension, permitting me to retain + the secular habit till they could judge by a trial what success they + might have in my improvement. + </p> + <p> + What a change! but I was obliged to submit; though I went to the + seminary with about the same spirits as if they had been taking me to + execution. What a melancholy abode! especially for one who left the + house of a pretty woman. I carried one book with me, that I had borrowed + of Madam de Warrens, and found it a capital resource! it will not be + easily conjectured what kind of book this was—it was a music book. + Among the talents she had cultivated, music was not forgotten; she had a + tolerable good voice, sang agreeably, and played on the harpsichord. She + had taken the pains to give me some lessons in singing, though before I + was very uninformed in that respect, hardly knowing the music of our + psalms. Eight or ten interrupted lessons, far from putting me in a + condition to improve myself, did not teach me half the notes; + notwithstanding, I had such a passion for the art, that I determined to + exercise myself alone. The book I took was not of the most easy kind; it + was the cantatas of Clerambault. It may be conceived with what attention + and perseverance I studied, when I inform my reader, that without + knowing anything of transposition or quantity, I contrived to sing with + tolerable correctness, the first recitative and air in the cantata of + Alpheus and Arethusa; it is true this air is, so justly set, that it is + only necessary to recite the verses in their just measure to catch the + music. + </p> + <p> + There was at the seminary a curst Lazarist, who by undertaking to teach + me Latin made me detest it. His hair was coarse, black and greasy, his + face like those formed in gingerbread, he had the voice of a buffalo, + the countenance of an owl, and the bristles of a boar in lieu of a + beard; his smile was sardonic, and his limbs played like those of a + puppet moved by wires. I have forgotten his odious name, but the + remembrance of his frightful precise countenance remains with me, though + hardly can I recollect it without trembling; especially when I call to + mind our meeting in the gallery, when he graciously advanced his filthy + square cap as a sign for me to enter his apartment, which appeared more + dismal in my apprehension than a dungeon. Let any one judge the contrast + between my present master and the elegant Abbe de Gauvon. + </p> + <p> + Had I remained two months at the mercy of this monster, I am certain my + head could not have sustained it; but the good M. Gras, perceiving I was + melancholy, grew thin, and did not eat my victuals, guessed the cause of + my uneasiness (which indeed was not very difficult) and taking me from + the claws of this beast, by another yet more striking contrast, placed + me with the gentlest of men, a young Faucigneran abbe, named M. Gatier, + who studied at the seminary, and out of complaisance for M. Gras, and + humanity to myself, spared some time from the prosecution of his own + studies in order to direct mine. Never did I see a more pleasing + countenance than that of M. Gatier. He was fair complexioned, his beard + rather inclined to red; his behavior like that of the generality of his + countrymen (who under a coarseness of countenance conceal much + understanding), marked in him a truly sensible and affectionate soul. In + his large blue eyes there was a mixture of softness, tenderness, and + melancholy, which made it impossible to see him without feeling one's + self interested. From the looks and manner of this young abbe he might + have been supposed to have foreseen his destiny, and that he was born to + be unhappy. + </p> + <p> + His disposition did not belie his physiognomy: full of patience and + complaisance, he rather appeared to study with than to instruct me. So + much was not necessary to make me love him, his predecessor having + rendered that very easy; yet, notwithstanding all the time he bestowed + on me, notwithstanding our mutual good inclinations, and that his plan + of teaching was excellent, with much labor, I made little progress. It + is very singular, that with a clear conception I could never learn much + from masters except my father and M. Lambercier; the little I know + besides I have learned alone, as will be seen hereafter. My spirit, + impatient of every species of constraint, cannot submit to the law of + the moment; even the fear of not learning prevents my being attentive, + and a dread of wearying those who teach, makes me feign to understand + them; thus they proceed faster than I can comprehend, and the conclusion + is I learn nothing. My understanding must take its own time and cannot + submit to that of another. + </p> + <p> + The time of ordination being arrived, M. Gatier returned to his province + as deacon, leaving me with gratitude, attachment, and sorrow for his + loss. The vows I made for him were no more answered than those I offered + for myself. Some years after, I learned, that being vicar of a parish, a + young girl was with child by him, being the only one (though he + possessed a very tender heart) with whom he was ever in love. This was a + dreadful scandal in a diocese severely governed, where the priests + (being under good regulation) ought never to have children—except + by married women. Having infringed this politic law, he was put in + prison, defamed, and driven from his benefice. I know not whether it was + ever after in his power to reestablish his affairs; but the remembrance + of his misfortunes, which were deeply engraven on my heart, struck me + when I wrote Emilius, and uniting M. Gatier with M. Gaime, I formed from + these two worthy priests the character of the Savoyard Vicar, and + flatter myself the imitation has not dishonored the originals. + </p> + <p> + While I was at the seminary, M. d'Aubonne was obliged to quit Annecy, + Moultou being displeased that he made love to his wife, which was acting + like a dog in the manger, for though Madam Moultou was extremely + amiable, he lived very ill with her, treating her with such brutality + that a separation was talked of. Moultou, by repeated oppressions, at + length procured a dismissal from his employment: he was a disagreeable + man; a mole could not be blacker, nor an owl more knavish. It is said + the provincials revenge themselves on their enemies by songs; M. + d'Aubonne revenged himself on his by a comedy, which he sent to Madam de + Warrens, who showed it to me. I was pleased with it, and immediately + conceived the idea of writing one, to try whether I was so silly as the + author had pronounced me. This project was not executed till I went to + Chambery, where I wrote 'The Lover of Himself'. Thus when I said in the + preface to that piece, "it was written at eighteen," I cut off a few + years. + </p> + <p> + Nearly about this time an event happened, not very important in itself, + but whose consequence affected me, and made a noise in the world when I + had forgotten it. Once a week I was permitted to go out; it is not + necessary to say what use I made of this liberty. Being one Sunday at + Madam de Warrens, a building belonging to the Cordeliers, which joined + her house, took fire; this building which contained their oven, being + full of dry fagots, blazed violently and greatly endangered the house; + for the wind happening to drive the flames that way, it was covered with + them. The furniture, therefore, was hastily got out and carried into the + garden which fronted the windows, on the other side the before-mentioned + brook. I was so alarmed that I threw indiscriminately everything that + came to hand out of the window, even to a large stone mortar, which at + another time I should have found it difficult to remove, and should have + thrown a handsome looking-glass after it had not some one prevented me. + The good bishop, who that day was visiting Madam de Warrens, did not + remain idle; he took her into the garden, where they went to prayers + with the rest that were assembled there, and where sometime afterwards, + I found them on their knees, and presently joined them. While the good + man was at his devotions, the wind changed, so suddenly and critically, + that the flames which had covered the house and began to enter the + windows, were carried to the other side of the court, and the house + received no damage. Two years after, Monsieur de Berner being dead, the + Antoines, his former brethren, began to collect anecdotes which might + serve as arguments of his beatification; at the desire of Father Baudet, + I joined to these an attestation of what I have just related, in doing + which, though I attested no more than the truth, I certainly acted ill, + as it tended to make an indifferent occurrence pass for a miracle. I had + seen the bishop in prayer, and had likewise seen the wind change during + the prayer, and even much to the purpose, all this I could certify + truly; but that one of these facts was the cause of the other, I ought + not to have attested, because it is what I could not possibly be assured + of. Thus much I may say, that as far as I can recollect what my ideas + were at that time, I was sincerely, and in good earnest a Catholic. Love + of the marvellous is natural to the human heart; my veneration for the + virtuous prelate, and secret pride in having, perhaps, contributed to + the event in question, all helped to seduce me; and certainly, if this + miracle was the effect of ardent prayer, I had a right to claim a share + of the merits. + </p> + <p> + More than thirty years after, when I published the 'Lettres de la + Montagne', M. Feron (I know not by what means) discovered this + attestation, and made use of it in his paper. I must confess the + discovery was very critically timed, and appeared very diverting, even + to me. + </p> + <p> + I was destined to be the outcast of every condition; for notwithstanding + M. Gatier gave the most favorable account he possibly could of my + studies, they plainly saw the improvement I received bore no proportion + to the pains taken to instruct me, which was no encouragement to + continue them: the bishop and superior, therefore, were disheartened, + and I was sent back to Madam de Warrens, as a subject not even fit to + make a priest of; but as they allowed, at the same time, that I was a + tolerably good lad, and far from being vicious, this account + counterbalanced the former, and determined her not to abandon me. + </p> + <p> + I carried back in triumph the dear music book, which had been so useful + to me, the air of Alpheus and Arethusa being almost all I had learned at + the seminary. My predilection for this art started the idea of making a + musician of, me. A convenient opportunity offered; once a week, at + least, she had a concert at her house, and the music-master from the + cathedral, who directed this little band, came frequently to see her. + This was a Parisian, named M. le Maitre, a good composer, very lively, + gay, young, well made, of little understanding, but, upon the whole, a + good sort of man. Madam de Warrens made us acquainted; I attached myself + to him, and he seemed not displeased with me. A pension was talked of, + and agreed on; in short, I went home with him, and passed the winter the + more agreeably at his chambers, as they were not above twenty paces + distant from Madam de Warrens', where we frequently supped together. It + may easily be supposed that this situation, ever gay, and singing with + the musicians and children of the choir, was more pleasing to me than + the seminary and fathers of St. Lazarus. This life, though free, was + regular; here I learned to prize independence, but never to abuse it. + For six whole months I never once went out except to see Madam de + Warrens, or to church, nor had I any inclination to it. This interval is + one of those in which I enjoyed the greatest satisfaction, and which I + have ever recollected with pleasure. Among the various situations I have + been placed in, some were marked with such an idea of virtuous + satisfaction, that the bare remembrance affects me as if they were yet + present. I vividly recollect the time, the place, the persons, and even + the temperature of the air, while the lively idea of a certain local + impression peculiar to those times, transports me back again to the very + spot; for example, all that was repeated at our meetings, all that was + sung in the choir, everything that passed there; the beautiful and noble + habits of the canons, the chasubles of the priests, the mitres of the + singers, the persons of the musicians; an old lame carpenter who played + the counter-bass, a little fair abbe who performed on the violin, the + ragged cassock which M. le Maitre, after taking off his sword, used to + put over his secular habit, and the fine surplice with which he covered + the rags of the former, when he went to the choir; the pride with which + I held my little flute to my lips, and seated myself in the orchestra, + to assist in a recitative which M. le Maitre had composed on purpose for + me; the good dinner that afterwards awaited us, and the good appetites + we carried to it. This concourse of objects, strongly retraced in my + memory, has charmed me a hundred time as much, or perhaps more, than + ever the reality had done. I have always preserved an affection for a + certain air of the 'Conditor alme Syderum', because one Sunday in Advent + I heard that hymn sung on the steps of the cathedral, (according to the + custom of that place) as I lay in bed before daybreak. Mademoiselle + Merceret, Madam de Warrens' chambermaid, knew something of music; I + shall never forget a little piece that M. le Maitre made me sing with + her, and which her mistress listened to with great satisfaction. In a + word, every particular, even down to the servant Perrine, whom the boys + of the choir took such delight in teasing. The remembrance of these + times of happiness and innocence frequently returning to my mind, both + ravish and affect me. + </p> + <p> + I lived at Annecy during a year without the least reproach, giving + universal satisfaction. Since my departure from Turin I had been guilty + of no folly, committed none while under the eye of Madam de Warrens. She + was my conductor, and ever led me right; my attachment for her became my + only passion, and what proves it was not a giddy one, my heart and + understanding were in unison. It is true that a single sentiment, + absorbing all my faculties, put me out of a capacity of learning even + music: but this was not my fault, since to the strongest inclination, I + added the utmost assiduity. I was attentive and thoughtful; what could I + do? Nothing was wanting towards my progress that depended on me; + meantime, it only required a subject that might inspire me to occasion + the commission of new follies: that subject presented itself, chance + arranged it, and (as will be seen hereafter) my inconsiderate head gave + in to it. + </p> + <p> + One evening, in the month of February, when it was very cold, being all + sat round the fire, we heard some one knock at the street door. Perrine + took a light, went down and opened it: a young man entering, came + upstairs, presented himself with an easy air, and making M. Maitre a + short, but well-turned compliment, announced himself as a French + musician, constrained by the state of his finances to take this liberty. + The hart of the good Le Maitre leaped at the name of a French musician, + for he passionately loved both his country and profession; he therefore + offered the young traveller his service—and use of his apartment, + which he appeared to stand much in need of, and which he accepted + without much ceremony. I observed him while he was chatting and warming + himself before supper; he was short and thick, having some fault in his + shape, though without any particular deformity; he had (if I may so + express myself) an appearance of being hunchbacked, with flat shoulders, + and I think he limped. He wore a black coat, rather worn than old, which + hung in tatters, a very fine but dirty shirt, frayed ruffles; a pair of + splatterdashes so large that he could have put both legs into either of + them, and, to secure himself from the snow, a little hat, only fit to be + carried under his arm. With this whimsical equipage, he had, however, + something elegant in his manners and conversation; his countenance was + expressive and agreeable, and he spoke with facility if not with + modesty; in short, everything about him bore the mark of a young + debauchee, who did not crave assistance like a beggar, but as a + thoughtless madcap. He told us his name was Venture de Villeneuve, that + he came from Paris, had lost his way, and seeming to forget that he had + announced himself for a musician, added that he was going to Grenoble to + see a relation that was a member of Parliament. + </p> + <p> + During supper we talked of music, on which subject he spoke well: he + knew all the great virtuosi, all the celebrated works, all the actors, + actresses, pretty women, and powerful lords; in short nothing was + mentioned but what he seemed thoroughly acquainted with. Though no + sooner was any topic started, than by some drollery, which set every one + a-laughing, he made them forget what had been said. This was on a + Saturday; the next day there was to be music at the cathedral: M. le + Maitre asked if he would sing there—"Very willingly."—"What + part would he chose?"—"The counter-tenor:" and immediately began + speaking of other things. Before he went to church they offered him his + part to peruse, but he did not even look at it. This Gasconade surprised + Le Maitre—"You'll see," said he, whispering to me, "that he does + not know a single note."—I replied: "I am very much afraid of + him." I followed them into the church; but was extremely uneasy, and + when they began, my heart beat violently, so much was I interested in + his behalf. + </p> + <p> + I was presently out of pain: he sung his two recitatives with all + imaginable taste and judgment; and what was yet more, with a very + agreeable voice. I never enjoyed a more pleasing surprise. After mass, + M. Venture received the highest compliments from the canons and + musicians, which he answered jokingly, though with great grace. M. le + Maitre embraced him heartily; I did the same; he saw I was rejoiced at + his success, and appeared pleased at my satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + It will easily be surmised, that after having been delighted with M. + Bacle, who had little to attract my admiration, I should be infatuated + with M. Venture, who had education, wit, talents, and a knowledge of the + world, and might be called an agreeable rake. This was exactly what + happened, and would, I believe, have happened to any other young man in + my place; especially supposing him possessed of better judgment to + distinguish merit, and more propensity to be engaged by it; for Venture + doubtless possessed a considerable share, and one in particular, very + rare at his age, namely, that of never being in haste to display his + talents. It is true, he boasted of many things he did not understand, + but of those he knew (which were very numerous) he said nothing, + patiently waiting some occasion to display them, which he then did with + ease, though without forwardness, and thus gave them more effect. As + there was ever some intermission between the proofs of his various + abilities, it was impossible to conjecture whether he had ever + discovered all his talents. Playful, giddy, inexhaustible, seducing in + conversation, ever smiling, but never laughing, and repeating the rudest + things in the most elegant manner—even the most modest women were + astonished at what they endured from him: it was in vain for them to + determine to be angry; they could not assume the appearance of it. It + was extraordinary that with so many agreeable talents, in a country + where they are so well understood, and so much admired, he so long + remained only a musician. + </p> + <p> + My attachment to M. Venture, more reasonable in its cause, was also less + extravagant in its effects, though more lively and durable than that I + had conceived for M. Bacle. I loved to see him, to hear him, all his + actions appeared charming, everything he said was an oracle to me, but + the enchantment did not extend far enough to disable me from quitting + him. I spoke of him with transport to Madam de Warrens, Le Maitre + likewise spoke in his praise, and she consented we should bring him to + her house. This interview did not succeed; he thought her affected, she + found him a libertine, and, alarmed that I had formed such an ill + acquaintance, not only forbade me bringing him there again, but likewise + painted so strongly the danger I ran with this young man, that I became + a little more circumspect in giving in to the attachment; and very + happily, both for my manners and wits, we were soon separated. + </p> + <p> + M. le Maitre, like most of his profession, loved good wine; at table he + was moderate, but when busy in his closet he must drink. His maid was so + well acquainted with this humor that no sooner had he prepared his paper + to compose, and taken his violoncello, than the bottle and glass + arrived, and was replenished from time to time: thus, without being ever + absolutely intoxicated, he was usually in a state of elevation. This was + really unfortunate, for he had a good heart, and was so playful that + Madam de Warrens used to call him the kitten. Unhappily, he loved his + profession, labored much and drank proportionately, which injured his + health, and at length soured his temper. Sometimes he was gloomy and + easily offended, though incapable of rudeness, or giving offence to any + one, for never did he utter a harsh word, even to the boys of the choir: + on the other hand, he would not suffer another to offend him, which was + but just: the misfortune was, having little understanding, he did not + properly discriminate, and was often angry without cause. + </p> + <p> + The Chapter of Geneva, where so many princes and bishops formerly + thought it an honor to be seated, though in exile it lost its ancient + splendor, retained (without any diminution) its pride. To be admitted, + you must either be a gentleman or Doctor of Sorbonne. If there is a + pardonable pride, after that derived from personal merit, it is + doubtless that arising from birth, though, in general, priests having + laymen in their service treat them with sufficient haughtiness, and thus + the canons behaved to poor Le Maitre. The chanter, in particular, who + was called the Abbe de Vidonne, in other respects a well-behaved man, + but too full of his nobility, did not always show him the attention his + talents merited. M. le Maitre could not bear these indignities + patiently; and this year, during passion week, they had a more serious + dispute than ordinary. At an institution dinner that the bishop gave the + canons, and to which M. Maitre was always invited, the abbe failed in + some formality, adding, at the same time, some harsh words, which the + other could not digest; he instantly formed the resolution to quit them + the following night; nor could any consideration make him give up his + design, though Madam de Warrens (whom he went to take leave of) spared + no pains to appease him. He could not relinquish the pleasure of leaving + his tyrants embarrassed for the Easter feast, at which time he knew they + stood in greatest need of him. He was most concerned about his music, + which he wished to take with him; but this could not easily be + accomplished, as it filled a large case, and was very heavy, and could + not be carried under the arm. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Warrens did what I should have done in her situation; and + indeed, what I should yet do: after many useless efforts to retain him, + seeing he was resolved to depart, whatever might be the event, she + formed the resolution to give him every possible assistance. I must + confess Le Maitre deserved it of her, for he was (if I may use the + expression) dedicated to her service, in whatever appertained to either + his art or knowledge, and the readiness with which he obliged gave a + double value to his complaisance: thus she only paid back, on an + essential occasion, the many favors he had been long conferring on her; + though I should observe, she possessed a soul that, to fulfill such + duties, had no occasion to be reminded of previous obligations. + Accordingly she ordered me to follow Le Maitre to Lyons, and to continue + with him as long as he might have occasion for my services. She has + since avowed, that a desire of detaching me from Venture had a great + hand in this arrangement. She consulted Claude Anet about the conveyance + of the above-mentioned case. He advised, that instead of hiring a beast + at Annecy, which would infallibly discover us, it would be better, at + night, to take it to some neighboring village, and there hire an ass to + carry it to Seyssel, which being in the French dominions, we should have + nothing to fear. This plan was adopted; we departed the same night at + seven, and Madam de Warrens, under pretense of paying my expenses, + increased the purse of poor Le Maitre by an addition that was very + acceptable. Claude Anet, the gardiner, and myself, carried the case to + the first village, then hired an ass, and the same night reached + Seyssel. + </p> + <p> + I think I have already remarked that there are times in which I am so + unlike myself that I might be taken for a man of a direct opposite + disposition; I shall now give an example of this. M. Reydelet, curate of + Seyssel, was canon of St. Peter's, consequently known to M. le Maitre, + and one of the people from whom he should have taken most pains to + conceal himself; my advice, on the contrary, was to present ourselves to + him, and, under some pretext, entreat entertainment as if we visited him + by consent of the chapter. Le Maitre adopted the idea, which seemed to + give his revenge the appearance of satire and waggery; in short, we went + boldly to Reydelet, who received us very kindly. Le Maitre told him he + was going to Bellay by desire of the bishop, that he might superintend + the music during the Easter holidays, and that he proposed returning + that way in a few days. To support this tale, I told a hundred others, + so naturally that M. Reydelet thought me a very agreeable youth, and + treated me with great friendship and civility. We were well regaled and + well lodged: M. Reydelet scarcely knew how to make enough of us; and we + parted the best friends in the world, with a promise to stop longer on + our return. We found it difficult to refrain from laughter, or wait till + we were alone to give free vent to our mirth: indeed, even now, the bare + recollection of it forces a smile, for never was waggery better or more + fortunately maintained. This would have made us merry during the + remainder of our journey, if M. le Maitre (who did not cease drinking) + had not been two or three times attacked with a complaint that he + afterwards became very subject to, and which resembled an epilepsy. + These fits threw me into the most fearful embarrassments, from which I + resolved to extricate myself with the first opportunity. + </p> + <p> + According to the information given to M. Reydelet, we passed our Easter + holidays at Bellay, and though not expected there, were received by the + music—master, and welcomed by every one with great pleasure. M. le + Maitre was of considerable note in his profession, and, indeed, merited + that distinction. The music-master of Bellay (who was fond of his own + works) endeavored to obtain the approbation of so good a judge; for + besides being a connoisseur, M. le Maitre was equitable, neither a + jealous, ill-natured critic, nor a servile flatterer. He was so superior + to the generality of country music-masters and they were so sensible of + it, that they treated him rather as their chief than a brother musician. + </p> + <p> + Having passed four or five days very agreeably at Bellay, we departed, + and continuing our journey without meeting with any accidents, except + those I have just spoken of, arrived at Lyons, and were lodged at Notre + Dame de Pitie. While we waited for the arrival of the before-mentioned + case (which by the assistance of another lie, and the care of our good + patron, M. Reydelet, we had embarked on the Rhone) M. le Maitre went to + visit his acquaintance, and among others Father Cato, a Cordelier, who + will be spoken of hereafter, and the Abbe Dortan, Count of Lyons, both + of whom received him well, but afterwards betrayed him, as will be seen + presently; indeed, his good fortune terminated with M. Reydelet. + </p> + <p> + Two days after our arrival at Lyons, as we passed a little street not + far from our inn, Le Maitre was attacked by one of his fits; but it was + now so violent as to give me the utmost alarm. I screamed with terror, + called for help, and naming our inn, entreated some one to bear him to + it, then (while the people were assembled, and busy round a man that had + fallen senseless in the street) he was abandoned by the only friend on + whom he could have any reasonable dependence; I seized the instant when + no one heeded me, turned the corner of the street and disappeared. + Thanks to Heaven, I have made my third painful confession; if many such + remained, I should certainly abandon the work I have undertaken. + </p> + <p> + Of all the incidents I have yet related, a few traces are remaining in + the places where I have lived; but what I have to relate in the + following book is almost entirely unknown; these are the greatest + extravagancies of my life, and it is happy they had not worse + conclusions. My head, (if I may use the simile) screwed up to the pitch + of an instrument it did not naturally accord with, had lost its + diapason; in time it returned to it again, when I discontinued my + follies, or at least gave in to those more consonant to my disposition. + This epoch of my youth I am least able to recollect, nothing having + passed sufficiently interesting to influence my heart, to make me + clearly retrace the remembrance. In so many successive changes, it is + difficult not to make some transpositions of time or place. I write + absolutely from memory, without notes or materials to help my + recollection. Some events are as fresh in my idea as if they had + recently happened, but there are certain chasms which I cannot fill up + but by the aid of recital, as confused as the remaining traces of those + to which they refer. It is possible, therefore, that I may have erred in + trifles, and perhaps shall again, but in every matter of importance I + can answer that the account is faithfully exact, and with the same + veracity the reader may depend I shall be careful to continue it. + </p> + <p> + My resolution was soon taken after quitting Le Maitre; I set out + immediately for Annecy. The cause and mystery of our departure had + interested me for the security of our retreat: this interest, which + entirely employed my thoughts for some days, had banished every other + idea; but no sooner was I secure and in tranquility, than my predominant + sentiment regained its place. Nothing flattered, nothing tempted me, I + had no wish but to return to Madam de Warrens; the tenderness and truth + of my attachment to her had rooted from my heart every imaginable + project, and all the follies of ambition, I conceived no happiness but + living near her, nor could I take a step without feeling that the + distance between us was increased. I returned, therefore, as soon as + possible, with such speed, and with my spirits in such a state of + agitation, that though I recall with pleasure all my other travels, I + have not the least recollection of this, only remembering my leaving + Lyons and reaching Annecy. Let anyone judge whether this last event can + have slipped my memory, when informed that on my arrival I found Madam + de Warrens was not there, having set out for Paris. + </p> + <p> + I was never well informed of the motives of this journey. I am certain + she would have told me had I asked her, but never was man less curious + to learn the secrets of his friend. My heart is ever so entirely filled + with the present, or with past pleasures, which become a principal part + of my enjoyment, that there is not a chink or corner for curiosity to + enter. All that I conceive from what I heard of it, is, that in the + revolution caused at Turin by the abdication of the King of Sardinia, + she feared being forgotten, and was willing by favor of the intrigues of + M. d' Aubonne to seek the same advantage in the court of France, where + she has often told me she should, have preferred it, as the multiplicity + of business there prevents your conduct from being so closely inspected. + If this was her business, it is astonishing that on her return she was + not ill received; be that as it will, she continued to enjoy her + allowance without any interruption. Many people imagined she was charged + with some secret commission, either by the bishop, who then had business + at the court of France, where he himself was soon after obliged to go, + or some one yet more powerful, who knew how to insure her a gracious + reception at her return. If this was the case, it is certain the + ambassadress was not ill chosen, since being young and handsome, she had + all the necessary qualifications to succeed in a negotiation. + </p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> <a name="link4"></a> <br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK IV. + </h1> + <br /><br /> + <p> + Let any one judge my surprise and grief at not finding her on my + arrival. I now felt regret at having abandoned M. le Maitre, and my + uneasiness increased when I learned the misfortunes that had befallen + him. His box of music, containing all his fortune, that precious box, + preserved with so much care and fatigue, had been seized on at Lyons by + means of Count Dortan, who had received information from the Chapter of + our having absconded with it. In vain did Le Maitre reclaim his + property, his means of existence, the labor of his life; his right to + the music in question was at least subject to litigation, but even that + liberty was not allowed him, the affair being instantly decided on the + principal of superior strength. Thus poor Le Maitre lost the fruit of + his talents, the labor of his youth, and principal dependence for the + support of old age. + </p> + <p> + Nothing was wanting to render the news I had received truly afflicting, + but I was at an age when even the greatest calamities are to be + sustained; accordingly I soon found consolation. I expected shortly to + hear news of Madam de Warrens, though I was ignorant of the address, and + she knew nothing of my return. As to my desertion of Le Maitre (all + things considered) I did not find it so very culpable. I had been + serviceable to him at his retreat; it was not in my power to give him + any further assistance. Had I remained with him in France it would not + have cured his complaint. I could not have saved his music, and should + only have doubled his expense: in this point of view I then saw my + conduct; I see it otherwise now. It frequently happens that a villainous + action does not torment us at the instant we commit it, but on + recollection, and sometimes even after a number of years have elapsed, + for the remembrance of crimes is not to be extinguished. + </p> + <p> + The only means I had to obtain news of Madam de Warrens was to remain at + Annecy. Where should I seek her in Paris? or how bear the expense of + such a journey? Sooner or later there was no place where I could be so + certain to hear of her as that I was now at; this consideration + determined me to remain there, though my conduct was very indifferent. I + did not go to the bishop, who had already befriended me, and might + continue to do so; my patroness was not present, and I feared his + reprimands on the subject of our flight; neither did I go to the + seminary, M. Graswas no longer there; in short, I went to none of my + acquaintances. I should gladly have visited the intendant's lady, but + did not dare; I did worse, I sought out M. Venture, whom + (notwithstanding my enthusiasm) I had never thought of since my + departure. I found him quite gay, in high spirits, and the universal + favorite of the ladies of Annecy. + </p> + <p> + This success completed my infatuation; I saw nothing but M. Venture; he + almost made me forget even Madam de Warrens. That I might profit more at + ease by his instructions and example, I proposed to share his lodgings, + to which he readily consented. It was at a shoemaker's; a pleasant, + jovial fellow, who, in his county dialect, called his wife nothing but + trollop; an appellation which she certainly merited. Venture took care + to augment their differences, though under an appearance of doing the + direct contrary, throwing out in a distant manner, and provincial + accents, hints that produced the utmost effect, and furnished such + scenes as were sufficient to make any one die with laughter. Thus the + mornings passed without our thinking of them; at two or three o'clock we + took some refreshment. Venture then went to his various engagements, + where he supped, while I walked alone, meditating on his great merit, + coveting and admiring his rare talents, and cursing my own unlucky + stars, that did not call me to so happy a life. How little did I then + know of myself! mine had been a thousand times more delightful, had I + not been such a fool, or known better how to enjoy it. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Warrens had taken no one with her but Anet: Merceret, the + chambermaid, whom I have before mentioned, still remained in the house. + Merceret was something older than myself, not pretty, but tolerably + agreeable; good-natured, free from malice, having no fault to my + knowledge but being a little refractory with her mistress. I often went + to see her; she was an old acquaintance, who recalled to my remembrance + one more beloved, and this made her dear to me. She had several friends, + and among others one Mademoiselle Giraud, a Genevese, who, for the + punishment of my sins, took it in her head to have an inclination for + me, always pressing Merceret, when she returned her visits, to bring me + with her. As I liked Merceret, I felt no disinclination to accompany + her; besides I met there with some young people whose company pleased + me. For Mademoiselle Giraud, who offered every kind of enticement, + nothing could increase the aversion I had for her. When she drew near + me, with her dried black snout, smeared with Spanish snuff, it was with + the utmost difficulty that I could refrain from expressing my distaste; + but, being pleased with her visitors, I took patience. Among these were + two girls who (either to pay their court to Mademoiselle Giraud or + myself) paid me every possible attention. I conceived this to be only + friendship; but have since thought it depended only on myself to have + discovered something more, though I did not even think of it at the + time. + </p> + <p> + There was another reason for my stupidity. Seamstresses, chambermaids, + or milliners, never tempted me; I sighed for ladies! Every one has his + peculiar taste, this has ever been mine; being in this particular of a + different opinion from Horace. Yet it is not vanity of riches or rank + that attracts me; it is a well-preserved complexion, fine hands, + elegance of ornaments, an air of delicacy and neatness throughout the + whole person; more in taste, in the manner of expressing themselves, a + finer or better made gown, a well-turned ankle, small foot, ribbons, + lace, and well-dressed hair; I even prefer those who have less natural + beauty, provided they are elegantly decorated. I freely confess this + preference is very ridiculous; yet my heart gives in to it spite of my + understanding. Well, even this advantage presented itself, and it only + depended on my own resolution to have seized the opportunity. + </p> + <p> + How do I love, from time to time, to return to those moments of my + youth, which were so charmingly delightful; so short, so scarce, and + enjoyed at so cheap a rate!—how fondly do I wish to dwell on them! + Even yet the remembrance of these scenes warms my heart with a chaste + rapture, which appears necessary to reanimate my drooping courage, and + enable me to sustain the weariness of my latter days. + </p> + <p> + The appearance of Aurora seemed so delightful one morning that, putting + on my clothes, I hastened into the country, to see the rising of the + sun. I enjoyed that pleasure in its utmost extent; it was one week after + midsummer; the earth was covered with verdure and flowers, the + nightingales, whose soft warblings were almost concluded, seemed to vie + with each other, and in concert with birds of various kinds to bid adieu + to spring, and hail the approach of a beautiful summer's day: one of + those lovely days that are no longer to be enjoyed at my age, and which + have never been seen on the melancholy soil I now inhabit. + </p> + <p> + I had rambled insensibly, to a considerable distance from the town—the + heat augmented—I was walking in the shade along a valley, by the + side of a brook, I heard behind me the steps of horses, and the voice of + some females who, though they seemed embarrassed, did not laugh the less + heartily on that account. I turn round, hear myself called by name, and + approaching, find two young people of my acquaintance, Mademoiselle de G—— + and Mademoiselle Galley, who, not being very excellent horsewomen, could + not make their horses cross the rivulet. + </p> + <p> + Mademoiselle de G—— was a young lady of Berne, very amiable; + who, having been sent from that country for some youthful folly, had + imitated Madam de Warrens, at whose house I had sometimes seen her; but + not having, like her, a pension, she had been fortunate in this + attachment to Mademoiselle Galley, who had prevailed on her mother to + engage her young friend as a companion, till she could be otherwise + provided for. Mademoiselle Galley was one year younger than her friend, + handsomer, more delicate, more ingenious, and to complete all, extremely + well made. They loved each other tenderly, and the good disposition of + both could not fail to render their union durable, if some lover did not + derange it. They informed me they were going to Toune, an old castle + belonging to Madam Galley, and implored my assistance to make their + horses cross the stream, not being able to compass it themselves. I + would have given each a cut or two with the whip, but they feared I + might be kicked, and themselves thrown; I therefore had recourse to + another expedient, I took hold of Mademoiselle Galley's horse and led + him through the brook, the water reaching half-way up my legs. The other + followed without any difficulty. This done, I would have paid my + compliments to the ladies, and walked off like a great booby as I was, + but after whispering each other, Mademoiselle de G—— said, + "No, no, you must not think to escape thus; you have got wet in our + service, and we ought in conscience to take care and dry you. If you + please you must go with us, you are now our prisoner." My heart began to + beat—I looked at Mademoiselle Galley—— "Yes, yes," + added she, laughing at my fearful look; "our prisoner of war; come, get + up behind her, we shall give a good account of you." "But, + mademoiselle," continued I, "I have not the honor to be acquainted with + your mother; what will she say on my arrival?"—"Her mother," + replied Mademoiselle de G—— "is not at Toune, we are alone, + we shall return at night, and you shall come back with us." + </p> + <p> + The stroke of electricity has not a more instantaneous effect than these + words produced on me. Leaping behind Mademoiselle de G——, I + trembled with joy, and when it became necessary to clasp her in order to + hold myself on, my heart beat so violently that she perceived it, and + told me hers beat also from a fear of falling. In my present posture, I + might naturally have considered this an invitation to satisfy myself of + the truth of her assertion, yet I did not dare, and during the whole way + my arm served as a girdle (a very close one, I must confess), without + being a moment displaced. Some women that may read this would be for + giving me a box on the ear, and, truly, I deserved it. + </p> + <p> + The gayety of the journey, and the chat of these girls, so enlivened me, + that during the whole time we passed together we never ceased talking a + moment. They had set me so thoroughly at ease, that my tongue spoke as + fast as my eyes, though not exactly the same things. Some minutes, + indeed, when I was left alone with either, the conversation became a + little embarrassed, but neither of them was absent long enough to allow + time for explaining the cause. + </p> + <p> + Arrived at Toune, and myself well dried, we breakfasted together; after + which it was necessary to settle the important business of preparing + dinner. The young ladies cooked, kissing from time to time the farmer's + children, while the poor scullion looked on grumbling. Provisions had + been sent for from town, and there was everything necessary for a good + dinner, but unhappily they had forgotten wine; this forgetfulness was by + no means astonishing to girls who seldom drank any, but I was sorry for + the omission, as I had reckoned on its help, thinking it might add to my + confidence. They were sorry likewise, and perhaps from the same motive; + though I have no reason to say this, for their lively and charming + gayety was innocence itself; besides, there were two of them, what could + they expect from me? they went everywhere about the neighborhood to seek + for wine, but none could be procured, so pure and sober are the peasants + in those parts. As they were expressing their concern, I begged them not + to give themselves any uneasiness on my account, for while with them I + had no occasion for wine to intoxicate me. This was the only gallantry I + ventured at during the whole of the day, and I believe the sly rogues + saw well enough that I said nothing but the truth. + </p> + <p> + We dined in the kitchen; the two friends were seated on the benches, one + on each side the long table, and their guest at the end, between them, + on a three—legged stool. What a dinner! how charming the + remembrance! While we can enjoy, at so small an expense, such pure, such + true delights, why should we be solicitous for others? Never did those + 'petite soupes', so celebrated in Paris, equal this; I do not only say + for real pleasure and gayety, but even for sensuality. + </p> + <p> + After dinner, we were economical; instead of drinking the coffee we had + reserved at breakfast, we kept it for an afternoon collation, with + cream, and some cake they had brought with them. To keep our appetites + in play, we went into the orchard, meaning to finish our dessert with + cherries. I got into a tree, throwing them down bunches, from which they + returned the stones through the branches. One time, Mademoiselle Galley, + holding out her apron, and drawing back her head, stood so fair, and I + took such good aim, that I dropped a bunch into her bosom. On her + laughing, I said to myself, "Why are not my lips cherries? How gladly + would I throw them there likewise." + </p> + <p> + Thus the day passed with the greatest freedom, yet with the utmost + decency; not a single equivocal word, not one attempt at double-meaning + pleasantry; yet this delicacy was not affected, we only performed the + parts our hearts dictated; in short, my modesty, some will say my folly, + was such that the greatest familiarity that escaped me was once kissing + the hand of Mademoiselle Galley; it is true, the attending circumstances + helped to stamp a value on this trifling favor; we were alone, I was + embarrassed, her eyes were fixed on the ground, and my lips, instead of + uttering words, were pressed on her hand, which she drew gently back + after the salute, without any appearance of displeasure. I know not what + I should have said to her; but her friend entered, and at that moment I + thought her ugly. + </p> + <p> + At length, they bethought themselves, that they must return to town + before night; even now we had but just time to reach it by daylight; and + we hastened our departure in the same order we came. Had I pleased + myself, I should certainly have reversed this order, for the glance of + Mademoiselle Galley had reached my heart, but I dared not mention it, + and the proposal could not reasonably come from her. On the way, we + expressed our sorrow that the day was over, but far from complaining of + the shortness of its duration, we were conscious of having prolonged it + by every possible amusement. + </p> + <p> + I quitted them in nearly the same spot where I had taken them up. With + what regret did we part! With what pleasure did we form projects to + renew our meeting! Delightful hours, which we passed innocently + together, yet were worth ages of familiarity! The sweet remembrance of + those days cost those amiable girls nothing; the tender union which + reigned among us equalled more lively pleasures, with which it could not + have existed. We loved each other without shame or mystery, and wished + to continue our reciprocal affection. There is a species of enjoyment + connected with innocence of manners which is superior to any other, + because it has no interval; for myself, the remembrance of such a day + touches me nearer, delights me more, and returns with greater rapture to + my heart than any other pleasure I ever tasted. I hardly knew what I + wished with those charming girls. I do not say: that had the arrangement + been in my power, I should have divided my heart between them; I + certainly felt some degree of preference: though I should have been + happy to have had Mademoiselle de G——, for a mistress, I + think, by choice, I should have liked her, better as a confidante; be + that as it may, I felt on leaving them as though I could not live + without either. Who would have thought that I should never see them + more; and that here our ephemeral amours must end? + </p> + <p> + Those who read this will not fail to laugh at my gallantries, and + remark, that after very promising preliminaries, my most forward + adventures concluded by a kiss of the hand: yet be not mistaken, reader, + in your estimate of my enjoyments; I have, perhaps, tasted more real + pleasure in my amours, which concluded by a kiss of the hand, than you + will ever have in yours, which, at least, begin there. + </p> + <p> + Venture, who had gone to bed late the night before, came in soon after + me. I did not now see him with my usual satisfaction, and took care not + to inform him how I had passed the day. The ladies had spoken of him + slightingly, and appeared discontented at finding me in such bad hands; + this hurt him in my esteem; besides, whatever diverted my ideas from + them was at this time disagreeable. However, he soon brought me back to + him and myself, by speaking of the situation of my affairs, which was + too critical to last; for, though I spent very little, my slender + finances were almost exhausted. I was without resource; no news of Madam + de Warrens; not knowing what would become of me, and feeling a cruel + pang at heart to see the friend of Mademoiselle Galley reduced to + beggary. + </p> + <p> + I now learned from Venture that he had spoken of me to the Judge Major, + and would take me next day to dine with him; that he was a man who by + means of his friends might render me essential service. In other + respects he was a desirable acquaintance, being a man of wit and + letters, of agreeable conversation, one who possessed talents and loved + them in others. After this discourse (mingling the most serious concerns + with the most trifling frivolity) he showed me a pretty couplet, which + came from Paris, on an air in one of Mouret's operas, which was then + playing. Monsieur Simon (the judge major) was so pleased with this + couplet, that he determined to make another in answer to it, on the same + air. He had desired Venture to write one, and he wished me to make a + third, that, as he expressed it, they might see couplets start up next + day like incidents in a comic romance. + </p> + <p> + In the night (not being able to sleep) I composed a couplet, as my first + essay in poetry. It was passable; better, or at least composed with more + taste than it would have been the preceding night, the subject being + tenderness, to which my heart was now entirely disposed. In the morning + I showed my performance to Venture, who, being pleased with the couplet, + put it in his pocket, without informing me whether he had made his. We + dined with M. Simon, who treated us very politely. The conversation was + agreeable; indeed it could not be otherwise between two men of natural + good sense, improved by reading. For me, I acted my proper part, which + was to listen without attempting to join in the conversation. Neither of + them mentioned the couplet nor do I know that it ever passed for mine. + M. Simon appeared satisfied with my behavior; indeed, it was almost all + he saw of me at this interview. We had often met at Madam de Warrens, + but he had never paid much attention to me; it is from this dinner, + therefore, that I date our acquaintance, which, though of no use in + regard to the object I then had in view, was afterwards productive of + advantages which make me recollect it with pleasure. I should be wrong + not to give some account of this person, since from his office of + magistrate, and the reputation of wit on which he piqued himself, no + idea could be formed of it. The judge major, Simon, certainly was not + two feet high; his legs spare, straight, and tolerably long, would have + added something to his stature had they been vertical, but they stood in + the direction of an open pair of compasses. His body was not only short, + but thin, being in every respect of most inconceivable smallness—when + naked he must have appeared like a grasshopper. His head was of the + common size, to which appertained a well-formed face, a noble look, and + tolerably fine eyes; in short, it appeared a borrowed head, stuck on a + miserable stump. He might very well have dispensed with dress, for his + large wig alone covered him from head to foot. + </p> + <p> + He had two voices, perfectly different, which intermingled perpetually + in his conversation, forming at first a diverting, but afterwards a very + disagreeable contrast. One grave and sonorous, was, if I may hazard the + expression, the voice of his head: the other, clear, sharp, and + piercing, the voice of his body. When he paid particular attention, and + spoke leisurely, so as to preserve his breath, he could continue his + deep tone; but if he was the least animated, or attempted a lively + accent, his voice sounded like the whistling of a key, and it was with + the utmost difficulty that he could return to the bass. + </p> + <p> + With the figure I have just described, and which is by no means + overcharged, M. Simon was gallant, ever entertaining the ladies with + soft tales, and carrying the decoration of his person even to foppery. + Willing to make use of every advantage he, during the morning, gave + audience in bed, for when a handsome head was discovered on the pillow + no one could have imagined what belonged to it. This circumstance gave + birth to scenes, which I am certain are yet remembered by all Annecy. + </p> + <p> + One morning, when he expected to give audience in bed, or rather on the + bed, having on a handsome night-cap ornamented with rose-colored ribbon, + a countryman arriving knocked at the door; the maid happened to be out; + the judge, therefore, hearing the knock repeated, cried "Come in," and, + as he spoke rather loud, it was in his shrill tone. The man entered, + looked about, endeavoring to discover whence the female voice proceeded + and at length seeing a handsome head-dress set off with ribbons, was + about to leave the room, making the supposed lady a hundred apologies. + M. Simon, in a rage, screamed the more; and the countryman, yet more + confirmed in his opinion, conceiving himself to be insulted, began + railing in his turn, saying that, "Apparently, she was nothing better + than a common streetwalker, and that the judge major should be ashamed + of setting such ill examples." The enraged magistrate, having no other + weapon than the jordan under his bed, was just going to throw it at the + poor fellow's head as his servant returned. + </p> + <p> + This dwarf, ill-used by nature as to his person, was recompensed by + possessing an understanding naturally agreeable, and which he had been + careful to cultivate. Though he was esteemed a good lawyer, he did not + like his profession, delighting more in the finer parts of literature, + which he studied with success: above all, he possessed that superficial + brilliancy, the art of pleasing in conversation, even with the ladies. + He knew by heart a number of little stories, which he perfectly well + knew how to make the most of; relating with an air of secrecy, and as an + anecdote of yesterday, what happened sixty years before. He understood + music, and could sing agreeably; in short, for a magistrate, he had many + pleasing talents. By flattering the ladies of Annecy, he became + fashionable among them, appearing continually in their train. He even + pretended to favors, at which they were much amused. A Madam D'Epigny + used to say "The greatest favor he could aspire to, was to kiss a lady + on her knees." + </p> + <p> + As he was well read, and spoke fluently, his conversation was both + amusing and instructive. When I afterwards took a taste for study, I + cultivated his acquaintance, and found my account in it: when at + Chambery, I frequently went from thence to see him. His praises + increased my emulation, to which he added some good advice respecting + the prosecution of my studies, which I found useful. Unhappily, this + weakly body contained a very feeling soul. Some years after, he was + chagrined by I know not what unlucky affair, but it cost him his life. + This was really unfortunate, for he was a good little man, whom at a + first acquaintance one laughed at, but afterwards loved. Though our + situations in life were very little connected with each other, as I + received some useful lessons from him, I thought gratitude demanded that + I should dedicate a few sentences to his memory. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I found myself at liberty, I ran into the street where + Mademoiselle Galley lived, flattering myself that I should see someone + go in or out, or at least open a window, but I was mistaken, not even a + cat appeared, the house remaining as close all the time as if it had + been uninhabited. The street was small and lonely, any one loitering + about was, consequently, more likely to be noticed; from time to time + people passed in and out of the neighborhood; I was much embarrassed, + thinking my person might be known, and the cause that brought me there + conjectured; this idea tortured me, for I have ever preferred the honor + and happiness of those I love to my own pleasures. + </p> + <p> + At length, weary of playing the Spanish lover, and having no guitar, I + determined to write to Mademoiselle de G——. I should have + preferred writing to her friend, but did not dare take that liberty, as + it appeared more proper to begin with her to whom I owed the + acquaintance, and with whom I was most familiar. Having written my + letter, I took it to Mademoiselle Giraud, as the young ladies had agreed + at parting, they having furnished me with this expedient. Mademoiselle + Giraud was a quilter, and sometimes worked at Madam Galley's, which + procured her free admission to the house. I must confess, I was not + thoroughly satisfied with this messenger, but was cautious of starting + difficulties, fearing that if I objected to her no other might be named, + and it was impossible to intimate that she had an inclination to me + herself. I even felt humiliated that she should think I could imagine + her of the same sex as those young ladies: in a word, I accepted her + agency rather than none, and availed myself of it at all events. + </p> + <p> + At the very first word, Giraud discovered me. I must own this was not a + difficult matter, for if sending a letter to young girls had not spoken + sufficiently plain, my foolish embarrassed air would have betrayed me. + It will easily be supposed that the employment gave her little + satisfaction, she undertook it, however, and performed it faithfully. + The next morning I ran to her house and found an answer ready for me. + How did I hurry away that I might have an opportunity to read and kiss + it alone! though this need not been told, but the plan adopted by + Mademoiselle Giraud (and in which I found more delicacy and moderation + than I had expected) should. She had sense enough to conclude that her + thirty—seven years, hare's eyes, daubed nose, shrill voice, and + black skin, stood no chance against two elegant young girls, in all the + height and bloom of beauty; she resolved, therefore, nether to betray + nor assist them, choosing rather to lose me entirely than entertain me + for them. + </p> + <p> + As Merceret had not heard from her mistress for some time, she thought + of returning to Fribourg, and the persuasions of Giraud determined her; + nay more, she intimated it was proper someone should conduct her to her + father's and proposed me. As I happened to be agreeable to little + Merceret, she approved the idea, and the same day they mentioned it to + me as a fixed point. Finding nothing displeasing in the manner they had + disposed of me, I consented, thinking it could not be above a week's + journey at most; but Giraud, who had arranged the whole affair, thought + otherwise. It was necessary to avow the state of my finances, and the + conclusion was, that Merceret should defray my expenses; but to retrench + on one hand what was expended on the other, I advised that her little + baggage should be sent on before, and that we should proceed by easy + journeys on foot. + </p> + <p> + I am sorry to have so many girls in love with me, but as there is + nothing to be very vain of in the success of these amours, I think I may + tell the truth without scruple. Merceret, younger and less artful than + Giraud, never made me so many advances, but she imitated my manners, my + actions, repeated my words, and showed me all those little attentions I + ought to have had for her. Being very timorous, she took great care that + we should both sleep in the same chamber; a circumstance that usually + produces some consequences between a lad of twenty and a girl of + twenty-five. + </p> + <p> + For once, however, it went no further; my simplicity being such, that + though Merceret was by no means a disagreeable girl, an idea of + gallantry never entered my head, and even if it had, I was too great a + novice to have profited by it. I could not imagine how two young persons + could bring themselves to sleep together, thinking that such familiarity + must require an age of preparation. If poor Merceret paid my expenses in + hopes of any return, she was terribly cheated, for we arrived at + Fribourg exactly as we had quitted Annecy. + </p> + <p> + I passed through Geneva without visiting any one. While going over the + bridges, I found myself so affected that I could scarcely proceed. Never + could I see the walls of that city, never could I enter it, without + feeling my heart sink from excess of tenderness, at the same time that + the image of liberty elevated my soul. The ideas of equality, union, and + gentleness of manners, touched me even to tears, and inspired me with a + lively regret at having forfeited all these advantages. What an error + was I in! but yet how natural! I imagined I saw all this in my native + country, because I bore it in my heart. + </p> + <p> + It was necessary to pass through Nion: could I do this without seeing my + good father? Had I resolved on doing so, I must afterwards have died + with regret. I left Merceret at the inn, and ventured to his house. How + wrong was I to fear him! On seeing me, his soul gave way to the parental + tenderness with which it was filled. What tears were mingled with our + embraces! He thought I was returned to him: I related my history, and + informed him of my resolution. He opposed it feebly, mentioning the + dangers to which I exposed myself, and telling me the shortest follies + were best, but did not attempt to keep me by force, in which particular + I think he acted right; but it is certain he did not do everything in + his power to detain me, even by fair means. Whether after the step I had + taken, he thought I ought not to return, or was puzzled at my age to + know what to do with me—I have since found that he conceived a + very unjust opinion of my travelling companion. My step-mother, a good + woman, a little coaxingly put on an appearance of wishing me to stay to + supper; I did not, however, comply, but told them I proposed remaining + longer with them on my return; leaving as a deposit my little packet, + that had come by water, and would have been an incumbrance, had I taken + it with me. I continued my journey the next morning, well satisfied that + I had seen my father, and had taken courage to do my duty. + </p> + <p> + We arrived without any accident at Fribourg. Towards the conclusion of + the journey, the politeness of Mademoiselle Merceret rather diminished, + and, after our arrival, she treated me even with coldness. Her father, + who was not in the best circumstances, did not show me much attention, + and I was obliged to lodge at an alehouse. I went to see them the next + morning, and received an invitation to dine there, which I accepted. We + separated without tears at night; I returned to my paltry lodging, and + departed the second day after my arrival, almost without knowing whither + to go to. + </p> + <p> + This was a circumstance of my life in which Providence offered me + precisely what was necessary to make my days pass happily. Merceret was + a good girl, neither witty, handsome, nor ugly; not very lively, but + tolerably rational, except while under the influence of some little + humors, which usually evaporated in tears, without any violent outbreak + of temper. She had a real inclination for me; I might have married her + without difficulty, and followed her father's business. My taste for + music would have made me love her; I should have settled at Fribourg, a + small town, not pretty, but inhabited by very worthy people—I + should certainly have missed great pleasures, but should have lived in + peace to my last hour, and I must know best what I should have gained by + such a step. + </p> + <p> + I did not return to Nion, but to Lausanne, wishing to gratify myself + with a view of that beautiful lake which is seen there in its utmost + extent. The greater part of my secret motives have not been so + reasonable. Distant expectation has rarely strength enough to influence + my actions; the uncertainty of the future ever making me regard projects + whose execution requires a length of time as deceitful lures. I give in + to visionary scenes of hope as well as others, provided they cost + nothing, but if attended with any trouble, I have done with them. The + smallest, the most trifling pleasure that is conveniently within my + reach, tempts me more than all the joys of paradise. I must except, + however, those pleasures which are necessarily followed by pain; I only + love those enjoyments which are unadulterated, which can never be the + case where we are conscious they must be followed by repentance. + </p> + <p> + It was necessary I should arrive at some place, and the nearest was + best; for having lost my way on the road, I found myself in the evening + at Moudon, where I spent all that remained of my little stock except ten + creuzers, which served to purchase my next day's dinner. Arriving in the + evening at Lausanne, I went into an ale-house, without a penny in my + pocket to pay for my lodging, or knowing what would become of me. I + found myself extremely hungry—setting, therefore, a good face on + the matter, I ordered supper, made my meal, went to bed without thought + and slept with great composure. In the morning, having breakfasted and + reckoned with my host, I offered to leave my waistcoat in pledge for + seven batz, which was the amount of my expenses. The honest man refused + this, saying, thank Heaven, he had never stripped any one, and would not + now begin for seven batz, adding I should keep my waistcoat and pay him + when I could. I was affected with this unexpected kindness, but felt it + less than I ought to have done, or have since experienced on the + remembrance of it. I did not fail sending him his money, with thanks, by + one I could depend on. Fifteen years after, passing Lausanne, on my + return from Italy, I felt a sensible regret at having forgotten the name + of the landlord and house. I wished to see him, and should have felt + real pleasure in recalling to his memory that worthy action. Services + which doubtless have been much more important, but rendered with + ostentation, have not appeared to me so worthy of gratitude as the + simple unaffected humanity of this honest man. + </p> + <p> + As I approached Lausanne, I thought of my distress, and the means of + extricating myself, without appearing in want to my step-mother. I + compared myself, in this walking pilgrimage, to my friend Venture, on + his arrival at Annecy, and was so warmed with the idea, that without + recollecting that I had neither his gentility nor his talents, I + determined to act the part of little Venture at Lausanne, to teach + music, which I did not understand, and say I came from Paris, where I + had never been. + </p> + <p> + In consequence of this noble project (as there was no company where I + could introduce myself without expense, and not choosing to venture + among professional people), I inquired for some little inn, where I + could lodge cheap, and was directed to one named Perrotet, who took in + boarders. This Perrotet, who was one of the best men in the world, + received me very kindly, and after having heard my feigned story and + profession, promised to speak of me, and endeavored to procure me + scholars, saying he should not expect any money till I had earned it. + His price for board, though moderate in itself, was a great deal to me; + he advised me, therefore, to begin with half board, which consisted of + good soup only for dinner, but a plentiful supper at night. I closed + with this proposition, and the poor Perrotet trusted me with great + cheerfulness, sparing, meantime, no trouble to be useful to me. + </p> + <p> + Having found so many good people in my youth, why do I find so few in my + age? Is their race extinct? No; but I do not seek them in the same + situation I did formerly, among the commonality, where violent passions + predominate only at intervals, and where nature speaks her genuine + sentiments. In more elevated stations they are entirely smothered, and + under the mask of sentiment, only interest or vanity is heard. + </p> + <p> + Having written to my father from Lausanne, he sent my packet and some + excellent advice, of which I should have profited better. I have already + observed that I have moments of inconceivable delirium, in which I am + entirely out of myself. The adventure I am about to relate is an + instance of this: to comprehend how completely my brain was turned, and + to what degree I had 'Venturised' (if I may be allowed the expression), + the many extravagances I ran into at the same time should be considered. + Behold me, then, a singing master, without knowing how to note a common + song; for if the five or six months passed with Le Maitre had improved + me, they could not be supposed sufficient to qualify me for such an + undertaking; besides, being taught by a master was enough (as I have + before observed) to make me learn ill. Being a Parisian from Geneva, and + a Catholic in a Protestant country, I thought I should change my name + with my religion and country, still approaching as near as possible to + the great model I had in view. He called himself Venture de Villeneuve. + I changed, by anagram, the name Rousseau into that of Vaussore, calling + myself Monsieur Vaussore de Villeneuve. Venture was a good composer, + though he had not said so; without knowing anything of the art, I + boasted of my skill to every one. This was not all: being presented to + Monsieur de Freytorens, professor of law, who loved music, and who gave + concerts at his house, nothing would do but I must give him a proof of + my talents, and accordingly I set about composing a piece for his + concerts, as boldly as if I had really understood the science. I had the + constancy to labor a fortnight at this curious business, to copy it + fair, write out the different parts, and distribute them with as much + assurance as if they had been masterpieces of harmony; in short (what + will hardly be believed, though strictly true), I tacked a very pretty + minuet to the end of it, that was commonly played about the streets, and + which many may remember from these words, so well known at that time: + </p> + <blockquote> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Quel caprice! + Quel injustice! + Quio, tu Clarice + Trahiriot tes feux? + +</pre> + </blockquote> + <p> + Venture had taught me this air with the bass, set to other words, by the + help of which I had retained it: thus at the end of my composition, I + put this minuet and bass, suppressing the words, and uttering it for my + own as confidently as if I had been speaking to the inhabitants of the + moon. They assembled to perform my piece; I explain to each the + movement, taste of execution, and references to his part—I was + fully occupied. They were five or six minutes preparing, which were for + me so many ages: at length, everything is adjusted, myself in a + conspicuous situation, a fine roll of paper in my hand, gravely + preparing to beat time. I gave four or five strokes with my paper, + attending with "take care!" they begin—No, never since French + operas existed was there such a confused discord! The minuet, however, + presently put all the company in good humor; hardly was it begun, before + I heard bursts of laughter from all parts, every one congratulated me on + my pretty taste for music, declaring this minuet would make me spoken + of, and that I merited the loudest praise. It is not necessary to + describe my uneasiness, or to own how much I deserved it. + </p> + <p> + Next day, one of the musicians, named Lutold, came to see me and was + kind enough to congratulate me on my success. The profound conviction of + my folly, shame, regret, and the state of despair to which I was + reduced, with the impossibility of concealing the cruel agitation of my + heart, made me open it to him; giving, therefore, a loose to my tears, + not content with owning my ignorance, I told all, conjuring him to + secrecy; he kept his word, as every one will suppose. The same evening, + all Lausanne knew who I was, but what is remarkable, no one seemed to + know, not even the good Perrotet, who (notwithstanding what had + happened) continued to lodge and board me. + </p> + <p> + I led a melancholy life here; the consequences of such an essay had not + rendered Lausanne a very agreeable residence. Scholars did not present + themselves in crowds, not a single female, and not a person of the city. + I had only two or three great dunces, as stupid as I was ignorant, who + fatigued me to death, and in my hands were not likely to edify much. + </p> + <p> + At length, I was sent for to a house, where a little serpent of a girl + amused herself by showing me a parcel of music that I could not read a + note of, and which she had the malice to sing before her master, to + teach him how it should be executed; for I was so unable to read an air + at first sight, that in the charming concert I have just described, I + could not possibly follow the execution a moment, or know whether they + played truly what lay before them, and I myself had composed. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of so many humiliating circumstances, I had the pleasing + consolation, from time to time, of receiving letters from my two + charming friends. I have ever found the utmost consolatory virtue in the + fair; when in disgrace, nothing softens my affliction more than to be + sensible that an amiable woman is interested for me. This correspondence + ceased soon after, and was never renewed: indeed it was my own fault, + for in changing situations I neglected sending my address, and forced by + necessity to think perpetually of myself, I soon forgot them. + </p> + <p> + It is a long time since I mentioned Madam de Warrens, but it should not + be supposed I had forgotten her; never was she a moment absent from my + thoughts. I anxiously wished to find her, not merely because she was + necessary to my subsistence, but because she was infinitely more + necessary to my heart. My attachment to her (though lively and tender, + as it really was) did not prevent my loving others, but then it was not + in the same manner. All equally claimed my tenderness for their charms, + but it was those charms alone I loved, my passion would not have + survived them, while Madam de Warrens might have become old or ugly + without my loving her the less tenderly. My heart had entirely + transmitted to herself the homage it first paid to her beauty, and + whatever change she might experience, while she remained herself, my + sentiments could not change. I was sensible how much gratitude I owed to + her, but in truth, I never thought of it, and whether she served me or + not, it would ever have been the same thing. I loved her neither from + duty, interest, nor convenience; I loved her because I was born to love + her. During my attachment to another, I own this affection was in some + measure deranged; I did not think so frequently of her, but still with + the same pleasure, and never, in love or otherwise, did I think of her + without feeling that I could expect no true happiness in life while in a + state of separation. + </p> + <p> + Though in so long a time I had received no news from Madam de Warrens, I + never imagined I had entirely lost her, or that she could have forgotten + me. I said to myself, she will know sooner or later that I am wandering + about, and will find some means to inform me of her situation: I am + certain I shall find her. In the meantime, it was a pleasure to live in + her native country, to walk in the streets where she had walked, and + before the houses that she had lived in; yet all this was the work of + conjecture, for one of my foolish peculiarities was, not daring to + inquire after her, or even pronounce her name without the most absolute + necessity. It seemed in speaking of her that I declared all I felt, that + my lips revealed the secrets of my heart, and in some degree injured the + object of my affection. I believe fear was likewise mingled with this + idea; I dreaded to hear ill of her. Her management had been much spoken + of, and some little of her conduct in other respects; fearing, + therefore, that something might be said which I did not wish to hear, I + preferred being silent on the subject. + </p> + <p> + As my scholars did not take up much of my time, and the town where she + was born was not above four leagues from Lausanne, I made it a walk of + three or four days; during which time a most pleasant emotion never left + me. A view of the lake of Geneva and its admirable banks, had ever, in + my idea, a particular attraction which I cannot describe; not arising + merely from the beauty of the prospect, but something else, I know not + why, more interesting, which affects and softens me. Every time I have + approached the Vaudois country I have experienced an impression composed + of the remembrance of Madam de Warrens, who was born there; of my + father, who lived there; of Miss Vulson, who had been my first love, and + of several pleasant journeys I had made there in my childhood, mingled + with some nameless charm, more powerfully attractive than all the rest. + When that ardent desire for a life of happiness and tranquility (which + ever follows me, and for which I was born) inflames my mind, 'tis ever + to the country of Vaud, near the lake, in those charming plains, that + imagination leads me. An orchard on the banks of that lake, and no + other, is absolutely necessary; a firm friend, an amiable woman, a cow, + and a little boat; nor could I enjoy perfect happiness on earth without + these concomitants. I laugh at the simplicity with which I have several + times gone into that country for the sole purpose of seeking this + imaginary happiness when I was ever surprised to find the inhabitants, + particularly the women, of a quite different disposition to what I + sought. How strange did this appear to me! The country and people who + inhabit it, were never, in my idea, formed for each other. + </p> + <p> + Walking along these beautiful banks, on my way to Vevay, I gave myself + up to the soft melancholy; my heart rushed with ardor into a thousand + innocent felicities; melting to tenderness, I sighed and wept like a + child. How often, stopping to weep more at my ease, and seated on a + large stone, did I amuse myself with seeing my tears drop into the + water. + </p> + <p> + On my arrival at Vevay, I lodged at the Key, and during the two days I + remained there, without any acquaintance, conceived a love for that + city, which has followed me through all my travels, and was finally the + cause that I fixed on this spot, in the novel I afterwards wrote, for + the residence of my hero and heroines. I would say to any one who has + taste and feeling, go to Vevay, visit the surrounding country, examine + the prospects, go on the lake and then say, whether nature has not + designed this country for a Julia, a Clara, and a St. Preux; but do not + seek them there. I now return to my story. + </p> + <p> + Giving myself out for a Catholic, I followed without mystery or scruple + the religion I had embraced. On a Sunday, if the weather was fine, I + went to hear mass at Assans, a place two leagues distant from Lausanne, + and generally in company with other Catholics, particularly a Parisian + embroiderer, whose name I have forgotten. Not such a Parisian as myself, + but a real native of Paris, an arch-Parisian from his maker, yet honest + as a peasant. He loved his country so well, that he would not doubt my + being his countryman, for fear he should not have so much occasion to + speak of it. The lieutenant-governor, M. de Crouzas, had a gardener, who + was likewise from Paris, but not so complaisant; he thought the glory of + his country concerned, when any one claimed that honor who was not + really entitled to it; he put questions to me, therefore, with an air + and tone, as if certain to detect me in a falsehood, and once, smiling + malignantly, asked what was remarkable in the 'Marcheneuf'? It may be + supposed I asked the question; but I have since passed twenty years at + Paris, and certainly know that city, yet was the same question repeated + at this day, I should be equally embarrassed to answer it, and from this + embarrassment it might be concluded I had never been there: thus, even + when we meet with truths, we are subject to build our opinions on + circumstances, which may easily deceive us. + </p> + <p> + I formed no ideas, while at Lausanne, that were worth recollecting, nor + can I say exactly how long I remained there; I only know that not + finding sufficient to subsist on, I went from thence to Neutchatel, + where I passed the winter. Here I succeeded better, I got some scholars, + and saved enough to pay my good friend Perrotet, who had faithfully sent + my baggage, though at that time I was considerably in his debt. + </p> + <p> + By continuing to teach music, I insensibly gained some knowledge of it. + The life I led was sufficiently agreeable, and any reasonable man might + have been satisfied, but my unsettled heart demanded something more. On + Sundays, or whenever I had leisure, I wandered, sighing and thoughtful, + about the adjoining woods, and when once out of the city never returned + before night. One day, being at Boudry, I went to dine at a + public-house, where I saw a man with a long beard, dressed in a + violet-colored Grecian habit, with a fur cap, and whose air and manner + were rather noble. This person found some difficulty in making himself + understood, speaking only an unintelligible jargon, which bore more + resemblance to Italian than any other language. I understood almost all + he said, and I was the only person present who could do so, for he was + obliged to make his request known to the landlord and others about him + by signs. On my speaking a few words in Italian, which he perfectly + understood, he got up and embraced me with rapture; a connection was + soon formed, and from that moment, I became his interpreter. His dinner + was excellent, mine rather worse than indifferent, he gave me an + invitation to dine with him, which I accepted without much ceremony. + Drinking and chatting soon rendered us familiar, and by the end of the + repast we had all the disposition in the world to become inseparable + companions. He informed me he was a Greek prelate, and 'Archimandrite' + of Jerusalem; that he had undertaken to make a gathering in Europe for + the reestablishment of the Holy Sepulchre, and showed me some very fine + patents from the czarina, the emperor, and several other sovereigns. He + was tolerably content with what he had collected hitherto, though he had + experienced inconceivable difficulties in Germany; for not understanding + a word of German, Latin, or French, he had been obliged to have recourse + to his Greek, Turkish Lingua Franca, which did not procure him much in + the country he was travelling through; his proposal, therefore, to me + was, that I should accompany him in the quality of secretary and + interpreter. In spite of my violet-colored coat, which accorded well + enough with the proposed employment, he guessed from my meagre + appearance, that I should easily be gained; and he was not mistaken. The + bargain was soon made, I demanded nothing, and he promised liberally; + thus, without any security or knowledge of the person I was about to + serve, I gave myself up entirely to his conduct, and the next day behold + me on an expedition to Jerusalem. + </p> + <p> + We began our expedition unsuccessfully by the canton of Fribourg. + Episcopal dignity would not suffer him to play the beggar, or solicit + help from private individuals; but we presented his commission to the + Senate, who gave him a trifling sum. From thence we went to Berne, where + we lodged at the Falcon, then a good inn, and frequented by respectable + company; the public table being well supplied and numerously attended. I + had fared indifferently so long, that I was glad to make myself amends, + therefore took care to profit by the present occasion. My lord, the + Archimandrite, was himself an excellent companion, loved good cheer, was + gay, spoke well for those who understood him, and knew perfectly well + how to make the most of his Grecian erudition. One day, at dessert while + cracking nuts, he cut his finger pretty deeply, and as it bled freely + showed it to the company, saying with a laugh, "Mirate, signori; questo + a sangue Pelasgo." + </p> + <p> + At Berne, I was not useless to him, nor was my performance so bad as I + had feared: I certainly spoke better and with more confidence than I + could have done for myself. Matters were not conducted here with the + same simplicity as at Fribourg; long and frequent conferences were + necessary with the Premiers of the State, and the examination of his + titles was not the work of a day; at length, everything being adjusted, + he was admitted to an audience by the Senate; I entered with him as + interpreter, and was ordered to speak. I expected nothing less, for it + never entered my mind, that after such long and frequent conferences + with the members, it was necessary to address the assembly collectively, + as if nothing had been said. Judge my embarrassment!—a man so + bashful to speak, not only in public, but before the whole of the Senate + of Berne! to speak impromptu, without a single moment for recollection; + it was enough to annihilate me—I was not even intimidated. I + described distinctly and clearly the commission of the Archimandrite; + extolled the piety of those princes who had contributed, and to heighten + that of their excellencies by emulation, added that less could not be + expected from their well—known munificence; then, endeavoring to + prove that this good work was equally interesting to all Christians, + without distinction of sect; and concluded by promising the benediction + of Heaven to all those who took part in it. I will not say that my + discourse was the cause of our success, but it was certainly well + received; and on our quitting the Archimandrite was gratified by a very + genteel present, to which some very handsome compliments were added on + the understanding of his secretary; these I had the agreeable office of + interpreting; but could not take courage to render them literally. + </p> + <p> + This was the only time in my life that I spoke in public, and before a + sovereign; and the only time, perhaps, that I spoke boldly and well. + What difference in the disposition of the same person. Three years ago, + having been to see my old friend, M. Roguin, at Yverdon, I received a + deputation to thank me for some books I had presented to the library of + that city; the Swiss are great speakers; these gentlemen, accordingly, + made me a long harangue, which I thought myself obliged in honor to + answer, but so embarrassed myself in the attempt, that my head became + confused, I stopped short, and was laughed at. Though naturally timid, I + have sometimes acted with confidence in my youth, but never in my + advanced age: the more I have seen of the world the less I have been + able to adapt its manners. + </p> + <p> + On leaving Berne, we went to Soleurre: the Archimandrite designing to + re-enter Germany, and return through Hungary or Poland to his own + country. This would have been a prodigious tour; but as the contents of + his purse rather increased than diminished during his journey, he was in + no haste to return. For me, who was almost as much pleased on horseback + as on foot, I would have desired no better than to have travelled thus + during my whole life; but it was pre-ordained that my journey should + soon end. + </p> + <p> + The first thing we did after our arrival at Soleurre, was to pay our + respects to the French ambassador there. Unfortunately for my bishop, + this chanced to be the Marquis de Bonac, who had been ambassador at the + Porte, and was acquainted with every particular relative to the Holy + Sepulchre. The Archimandrite had an audience that lasted about a quarter + of an hour, to which I was not admitted, as the ambassador spoke French + and Italian at least as well as myself. On my Grecian's retiring, I was + prepared to follow him, but was detained: it was now my turn. Having + called myself a Parisian, as such, I was under the jurisdiction of his + excellency: he therefore asked me who I was? exhorting me to tell the + truth; this I promised to do, but entreated a private audience, which + was immediately granted. The ambassador took me to his closet, and shut + the door; there, throwing myself at his feet, I kept my word, nor should + I have said less, had I promised nothing, for a continual wish to + unbosom myself, puts my heart perpetually upon my lips. After having + disclosed myself without reserve to the musician Lutold, there was no + occasion to attempt acting the mysterious with the Marquis de Bonac, who + was so well pleased with my little history, and the ingenuousness with + which I had related it, that he led me to the ambassadress, and + presented me, with an abridgment of my recital. Madam de Bonac received + me kindly, saying, I must not be suffered to follow that Greek monk. It + was accordingly resolved that I should remain at their hotel till + something better could be done for me. I wished to bid adieu to my poor + Archimandrite, for whom I had conceived an attachment, but was not + permitted; they sent him word that I was to be detained there, and in + quarter of an hour after, I saw my little bundle arrive. M. de la + Martiniere, secretary of the embassy, had in a manner the care of me; + while following him to the chamber appropriated to my use, he said, + "This apartment was occupied under the Count de Luc, by a celebrated man + of the same name as yourself; it is in your power to succeed him in + every respect, and cause it to be said hereafter, Rousseau the First, + Rousseau the Second." This similarity which I did not then expect, would + have been less flattering to my wishes could I have foreseen at what + price I should one day purchase the distinction. + </p> + <p> + What M. de la Martiniere had said excited my curiosity; I read the works + of the person whose chamber I occupied, and on the strength of the + compliment that had been paid me (imagining I had a taste for poetry) + made my first essay in a cantata in praise of Madam de Bonac. This + inclination was not permanent, though from time to time I have composed + tolerable verses. I think it is a good exercise to teach elegant turns + of expression, and to write well in prose, but could never find + attractions enough in French poetry to give entirely in to it. + </p> + <p> + M. de la Martiniere wished to see my style, and asked me to write the + detail I had before made the ambassador; accordingly I wrote him a long + letter, which I have since been informed was preserved by M. de + Marianne, who had long been attached to the Marquis de Bonac, and has + since succeeded M. de Martiniere as secretary to the embassy of M. de + Courtellies. + </p> + <p> + The experience I began to acquire tended to moderate my romantic + projects; for example, I did not fall in love with Madam de Bonac, but + also felt I did not stand much chance of succeeding in the service of + her husband. M. de la Martiniere was already in the only place that + could have satisfied my ambition, and M. de Marianne in expectancy: thus + my utmost hopes could only aspire to the office of under secretary, + which did not infinitely tempt me: this was the reason that when + consulted on the situation I should like to be placed in, I expressed a + great desire to go to Paris. The ambassador readily gave in to the idea, + which at least tended to disembarrass him of me. M. de Mervilleux + interpreting secretary to the embassy, said, that his friend, M. Godard, + a Swiss colonel, in the service of France, wanted a person to be with + his nephew, who had entered very young into the service, and made no + doubt that I should suit him. On this idea, so lightly formed, my + departure was determined; and I, who saw a long journey to perform with + Paris at the end of it, was enraptured with the project. They gave me + several letters, a hundred livres to defray the expenses of my journey, + accompanied with some good advice, and thus equipped I departed. + </p> + <p> + I was a fortnight making the journey, which I may reckon among the + happiest days of my life. I was young, in perfect health, with plenty of + money, and the most brilliant hopes, add to this, I was on foot, and + alone. It may appear strange, I should mention the latter circumstance + as advantageous, if my peculiarity of temper is not already familiar to + the reader. I was continually occupied with a variety of pleasing + chimeras, and never did the warmth of my imagination produce more + magnificent ones. When offered an empty place in a carriage, or any + person accosted me on the road, how vexed was I to see that fortune + overthrown, whose edifice, while walking, I had taken such pains to + rear. + </p> + <p> + For once my ideas were all martial: I was going to live with a military + man; nay, to become one, for it was concluded I should begin with being + a cadet. I already fancied myself in regimentals, with a fine white + feather nodding on my hat, and my heart was inflamed by the noble idea. + I had some smattering of geometry and fortification; my uncle was an + engineer; I was in a manner a soldier by inheritance. My short sight, + indeed, presented some little obstacle, but did not by any means + discourage me, as I reckoned to supply that defect by coolness and + intrepidity. I had read, too, that Marshal Schomberg was remarkably + shortsighted, and why might not Marshal Rousseau be the same? My + imagination was so warm by these follies, that it presented nothing but + troops, ramparts, gabions, batteries, and myself in the midst of fire + and smoke, an eyeglass in hand, commanding with the utmost tranquility. + Notwithstanding, when the country presented a delightful prospect, when + I saw charming groves and rivulets, the pleasing sight made me sigh with + regret, and feel, in the midst of all this glory, that my heart was not + formed for such havoc; and soon without knowing how, I found my thoughts + wandering among my dear sheep-folds, renouncing forever the labor of + Mars. + </p> + <p> + How much did Paris disappoint the idea I had formed of it! The exterior + decorations I had seen at Turin, the beauty of the streets, the symmetry + and regularity of the houses, contributed to this disappointment, since + I concluded that Paris must be infinitely superior. I had figured to + myself a splendid city, beautiful as large, of the most commanding + aspect, whose streets were ranges of magnificent palaces, composed of + marble and gold. On entering the faubourg St. Marceau, I saw nothing but + dirty stinking streets, filthy black houses, an air of slovenliness and + poverty, beggars, carters, butchers, cries of diet-drink and old hats. + This struck me so forcibly, that all I have since seen of real + magnificence in Paris could never erase this first impression, which has + ever given me a particular disgust to residing in that capital; and I + may say, the whole time I remained there afterwards, was employed in + seeking resources which might enable me to live at a distance from it. + This is the consequence of too lively imagination, which exaggerates + even beyond the voice of fame, and ever expects more than is told. I + have heard Paris so flatteringly described, that I pictured it like the + ancient Babylon, which, perhaps, had I seen, I might have found equally + faulty, and unlike that idea the account had conveyed. The same thing + happened at the Opera-house, to which I hastened the day after my + arrival! I was sensible of the same deficiency at Versailles! and some + time after on viewing the sea. I am convinced this would ever be the + consequence of a too flattering description of any object; for it is + impossible for man, and difficult even for nature herself, to surpass + the riches of my imagination. + </p> + <p> + By the reception I met with from all those to whom my letters were + addressed, I thought my fortune was certainly made. The person who + received me the least kindly was M. de Surbeck, to whom I had the + warmest recommendation. He had retired from the service, and lived + philosophically at Bagneux, where I waited on him several times without + his offering me even a glass of water. I was better received by Madam de + Merveilleux, sister-in-law to the interpreter, and by his nephew, who + was an officer in the guards. The mother and son not only received me + kindly, but offered me the use of their table, which favor I frequently + accepted during my stay at Paris. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Merveilleux appeared to have been handsome; her hair was of a + fine black, which, according to the old mode, she wore curled on the + temples. She still retained (what do not perish with a set of features) + the beauties of an amiable mind. She appeared satisfied with mine, and + did all she could to render me service; but no one seconded her + endeavors, and I was presently undeceived in the great interest they had + seemed to take in my affairs. I must, however, do the French nation the + justice to say, they do not so exhaust themselves with protestations, as + some have represented, and that those they make are usually sincere; but + they have a manner of appearing interested in your affairs, which is + more deceiving than words. The gross compliments of the Swiss can only + impose upon fools; the manners of the French are more seducing, and at + the same time so simple, that you are persuaded they do not express all + they mean to do for you, in order that you may be the more agreeably + surprised. I will say more; they are not false in their protestations, + being naturally zealous to oblige, humane, benevolent, and even + (whatever may be said to the contrary) more sincere than any other + nation; but they are too flighty: in effect they feel the sentiments + they profess for you, but that sentiment flies off as instantaneously as + it was formed. In speaking to you, their whole attention is employed on + you alone, when absent you are forgotten. Nothing is permanent in their + hearts, all is the work of the moment. + </p> + <p> + Thus I was greatly flattered, but received little service. Colonel + Godard for whose nephew I was recommended, proved to be an avaricious + old wretch, who, on seeing my distress (though he was immensely rich), + wished to have my services for nothing, meaning to place me with his + nephew, rather as a valet without wages than a tutor. He represented + that as I was to be continually engaged with him, I should be excused + from duty, and might live on my cadet's allowance; that is to say, on + the pay of a soldier: hardly would he consent to give me a uniform, + thinking the clothing of the army might serve. Madam de Merveilleux, + provoked at his proposals, persuaded me not to accept them; her son was + of the same opinion; something else was to be thought on, but no + situation was procured. Meantime, I began to be necessitated; for the + hundred livres with which I had commenced my journey could not last much + longer; happily, I received a small remittance from the ambassador, + which was very serviceable, nor do I think he would have abandoned me + had I possessed more patience; but languishing, waiting, soliciting, are + to me impossible: I was disheartened, displeased, and thus all my + brilliant expectations came once more to nothing. I had not all this + time forgotten my dear Madam de Warrens, but how was I to find her? + Where should I seek her? Madam de Merveilleux, who knew my story, + assisted me in the search, but for a long time unavailingly; at length, + she informed me that Madam de Warrens had set out from Paris about two + months before, but it was not known whether for Savoy or Turin, and that + some conjectured she was gone to Switzerland. Nothing further was + necessary to fix my determination to follow her, certain that wherever + she might be, I stood more chance of finding her at those places than I + could possibly do at Paris. + </p> + <p> + Before my departure, I exercised my new poetical talent in an epistle to + Colonel Godard, whom I ridiculed to the utmost of my abilities. I showed + this scribble to Madam de Merveilleux, who, instead of discouraging me, + as she ought to have done, laughed heartily at my sarcasms, as well as + her son, who, I believe, did not like M. Godard; indeed, it must be + confessed, he was a man not calculated to obtain affection. I was + tempted to send him my verses, and they encouraged me in it; accordingly + I made them up in a parcel directed to him, and there being no post then + at Paris by which I could conveniently send this, I put it in my pocket, + and sent it to him from Auxerre, as I passed through that place. I + laugh, even yet, sometimes, at the grimaces I fancy he made on reading + this panegyric, where he was certainly drawn to the life; it began thus: + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + Tu croyois, vieux Penard, qu' une folle manie <br />D' elever ton neveu + m'inspireroit l'envie. + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + This little piece, which, it is true, was but indifferently written; did + not want for salt, and announced a turn for satire; it is, + notwithstanding, the only satirical writing that ever came from my pen. + I have too little hatred in my heart to take advantage of such a talent; + but I believe it may be judged from those controversies, in which from + time to time I have been engaged in my own defence, that had I been of a + vindictive disposition, my adversaries would rarely have had the + laughter on their side. + </p> + <p> + What I most regret, is not having kept a journal of my travels, being + conscious that a number of interesting details have slipped my memory; + for never did I exist so completely, never live so thoroughly, never was + so much myself, if I dare use the expression, as in those journeys made + on foot. Walking animates and enlivens my spirits; I can hardly think + when in a state of inactivity; my body must be exercised to make my + judgmemt active. The view of a fine country, a succession of agreeable + prospects, a free air, a good appetite, and the health I gained by + walking; the freedom of inns, and the distance from everything that can + make me recollect the dependence of my situation, conspire to free my + soul, and give boldness to my thoughts, throwing me, in a manner, into + the immensity of beings, where I combine, choose and appropriate them to + my fancy, without constraint or fear. I dispose of all nature as I + please; my heart wandering from object to object, approximates and + unites with those that please it, is surrounded by charming images, and + becomes intoxicated with delicious sensations. If, attempting to render + these permanent, I am amused in describing to myself, what glow of + coloring, what energy of expression, do I give them!—It has been + said, that all these are to be found in my works, though written in the + decline of life. Oh! had those of my early youth been seen, those made + during my travels, composed, but never written!—Why did I not + write them? will be asked; and why should I have written them? I may + answer. Why deprive myself of the actual charm of my enjoyments to + inform others what I enjoyed? What to me were readers, the public, or + all the world, while I was mounting the empyrean. Besides, did I carry + pens, paper and ink with me? Had I recollected all these, not a thought + would have occurred worth preserving. I do not foresee when I shall have + ideas; they come when they please, and not when I call for them; either + they avoid me altogether, or rushing in crowds, overwhelm me with their + force and number. Ten volumes a day would not suffice barely to + enumerate my thoughts; how then should I find time to write them? In + stopping, I thought of nothing but a hearty dinner; on departing, of + nothing but a charming walk; I felt that a new paradise awaited me at + the door, and eagerly leaped forward to enjoy it. + </p> + <p> + Never did I experience this so feelingly as in the perambulation I am + now describing. On coming to Paris, I had confined myself to ideas which + related to the situation I expected to occupy there. I had rushed into + the career I was about to run, and should have completed it with + tolerable eclat, but it was not that my heart adhered to. Some real + beings obscured my imagined ones—Colonel Godard and his nephew + could not keep pace with a hero of my disposition. Thank Heaven, I was + soon delivered from all these obstacles, and could enter at pleasure + into the wilderness of chimeras, for that alone remained before me, and + I wandered in it so completely that I several times lost my way; but + this was no misfortune, I would not have shortened it, for, feeling with + regret, as I approached Lyons, that I must again return to the material + world, I should have been glad never to have arrived there. + </p> + <p> + One day, among others, having purposely gone out of my way to take a + nearer view of a spot that appeared delightful, I was so charmed with + it, and wandered round it so often, that at length I completely lost + myself, and after several hours' useless walking, weary, fainting with + hunger and thirst, I entered a peasant's hut, which had not indeed a + very promising appearance, but was the only one I could discover near + me. I thought it was here, as at Geneva, or in Switzerland, where the + inhabitants, living at ease, have it in their power to exercise + hospitality. I entreated the countryman to give me some dinner, offering + to pay for it: on which he presented me with some skimmed milk and + coarse barley—bread, saying it was all he had. I drank the milk + with pleasure, and ate the bread, chaff and all; but it was not very + restorative to a man sinking with fatigue. The countryman, who watched + me narrowly, judged the truth of my story by my appetite, and presently + (after having said that he plainly saw I was an honest, good—natured + young man, and did not come to betray him) opened a little trap door by + the side of his kitchen, went down, and returned a moment after with a + good brown loaf of pure wheat, the remains of a well-flavored ham, and a + bottle of wine, the sight of which rejoiced my heart more than all the + rest: he then prepared a good thick omelet, and I made such a dinner as + none but a walking traveller ever enjoyed. + </p> + <p> + When I again offered to pay, his inquietude and fears returned; he not + only would have no money, but refused it with the most evident emotion; + and what made this scene more amusing, I could not imagine the motive of + his fear. At length, he pronounced tremblingly those terrible words, + "Commissioners," and "Cellar-rats," which he explained by giving me to + understand that he concealed his wine because of the excise, and his + bread on account of the tax imposed on it; adding, he should be an + undone man, if it was suspected he was not almost perishing with want. + What he said to me on this subject (of which I had not the smallest + idea) made an impression on my mind that can never be effaced, sowing + seeds of that inextinguishable hatred which has since grow up in my + heart against the vexations these unhappy people suffer, and against + their oppressors. This man, though in easy circumstances, dare not eat + the bread gained by the sweat of his brow, and could only escape + destruction by exhibiting an outward appearance of misery!—I left + his cottage with as much indignation as concern, deploring the fate of + those beautiful countries, where nature has been prodigal of her gifts, + only that they may become the prey of barbarous exactors. + </p> + <p> + The incident which I have just related, is the only one I have a + distinct remembrance of during this journey: I recollect, indeed, that + on approaching Lyons, I wished to prolong it by going to see the banks + of the Lignon; for among the romances I had read with my father, Astrea + was not forgotten and returned more frequently to my thoughts than any + other. Stopping for some refreshment (while chatting with my hostess), I + inquired the way to Forez, and was informed that country was an + excellent place for mechanics, as there were many forges, and much iron + work done there. This eulogium instantly calmed my romantic curiosity, + for I felt no inclination to seek Dianas and Sylvanders among a + generation of blacksmiths. The good woman who encouraged me with this + piece of information certainly thought I was a journeyman locksmith. + </p> + <p> + I had some view in going to Lyons: on my arrival, I went to the + Chasattes, to see Mademoiselle du Chatelet, a friend of Madam de + Warrens, for whom I had brought a letter when I came there with M. le + Maitre, so that it was an acquaintance already formed. Mademoiselle du + Chatelet informed me her friend had passed through Lyons, but could not + tell whether she had gone on to Piedmont, being uncertain at her + departure whether it would not be necessary to stop in Savoy; but if I + choose, she would immediately write for information, and thought my best + plan would be to remain at Lyons till she received it. I accepted this + offer; but did not tell Mademoiselle du Chatelet how much I was pressed + for an answer, and that my exhausted purse would not permit me to wait + long. It was not an appearance of coolness that withheld me, on the + contrary, I was very kindly received, treated on the footing of + equality, and this took from me the resolution of explaining my + circumstances, for I could not bear to descend from a companion to a + miserable beggar. + </p> + <p> + I seem to have retained a very connecting remembrance of that part of my + life contained in this book; yet I think I remember, about the same + period, another journey to Lyons, (the particulars of which I cannot + recollect) where I found myself much straitened, and a confused + remembrance of the extremities to which I was reduced does not + contribute to recall the idea agreeably. Had I been like many others, + had I possessed the talent of borrowing and running in debt at every + ale-house I came to, I might have fared better; but in that my + incapacity equalled my repugnance, and to demonstrate the prevalence of + both, it will be sufficient to say, that though I have passed almost my + whole life in indifferent circumstances, and frequently have been near + wanting bread, I was never once asked for money by a creditor without + having it in my power to pay it instantly; I could never bear to + contract clamorous debts, and have ever preferred suffering to owing. + </p> + <p> + Being reduced to pass my nights in the streets, may certainly be called + suffering, and this was several times the case at Lyons, having + preferred buying bread with the few pence I had remaining, to bestowing + them on a lodging; as I was convinced there was less danger of dying for + want of sleep than of hunger. What is astonishing, while in this unhappy + situation, I took no care for the future, was neither uneasy nor + melancholy, but patiently waited an answer to Mademoiselle du Chatelet's + letter, and lying in the open air, stretched on the earth, or on a + bench, slept as soundly as if reposing on a bed of roses. I remember, + particularly, to have passed a most delightful night at some distance + from the city, in a road which had the Rhone, or Soane, I cannot + recollect which, on the one side, and a range of raised gardens, with + terraces, on the other. It had been a very hot day, the evening was + delightful, the dew moistened the fading grass, no wind was stirring, + the air was fresh without chillness, the setting sun had tinged the + clouds with a beautiful crimson, which was again reflected by the water, + and the trees that bordered the terrace were filled with nightingales + who were continually answering each other's songs. I walked along in a + kind of ecstasy, giving up my heart and senses to the enjoyment of so + many delights, and sighing only from a regret of enjoying them alone. + Absorbed in this pleasing reverie, I lengthened my walk till it grew + very late, without perceiving I was tired; at length, however, I + discovered it, and threw myself on the step of a kind of niche, or false + door, in the terrace wall. How charming was the couch! the trees formed + a stately canopy, a nightingale sat directly over me, and with his soft + notes lulled me to rest: how pleasing my repose; my awaking more so. It + was broad day; on opening my eyes I saw the water, the verdure, and the + admirable landscape before me. I arose, shook off the remains of + drowsiness, and finding I was hungry, retook the way to the city, + resolving, with inexpressible gayety, to spend the two pieces of six + francs I had yet remaining in a good breakfast. I found myself so + cheerful that I went all the way singing; I even remember I sang a + cantata of Batistin's called the Baths of Thomery, which I knew by + heart. May a blessing light on the good Batistin and his good cantata, + which procured me a better breakfast than I had expected, and a still + better dinner which I did not expect at all! In the midst of my singing, + I heard some one behind me, and turning round perceived an Antonine, who + followed after and seemed to listen with pleasure to my song. At length + accosting me, he asked, If I understood music. I answered, "A little," + but in a manner to have it understood I knew a great deal, and as he + continued questioning of me, related a part of my story. He asked me, If + I had ever copied music? I replied, "Often," which was true: I had + learned most by copying. "Well," continued he, "come with me, I can + employ you for a few days, during which time you shall want for nothing; + provided you consent not to quit my room." I acquiesced very willingly, + and followed him. + </p> + <p> + This Antonine was called M. Rotichon; he loved music, understood it, and + sang in some little concerts with his friends; thus far all was innocent + and right, but apparently this taste had become a furor, part of which + he was obliged to conceal. He conducted me into a chamber, where I found + a great quantity of music: he gave me some to copy, particularly the + cantata he had heard me singing, and which he was shortly to sing + himself. + </p> + <p> + I remained here three or four days, copying all the time I did not eat, + for never in my life was I so hungry, or better fed. M. Rolichon brought + my provisions himself from the kitchen, and it appeared that these good + priests lived well, at least if every one fared as I did. In my life, I + never took such pleasure in eating, and it must be owned this good cheer + came very opportunely, for I was almost exhausted. I worked as heartily + as I ate, which is saying a great deal; 'tis true I was not as correct + as diligent, for some days after, meeting M. Rolichon in the street, he + informed me there were so many omissions, repetitions, and + transpositions, in the parts I had copied, that they could not be + performed. It must be owned, that in choosing the profession of music, I + hit on that I was least calculated for; yet my voice was good and I + copied neatly; but the fatigue of long works bewilders me so much, that + I spend more time in altering and scratching out than in pricking down, + and if I do not employ the strictest attention in comparing the several + parts, they are sure to fail in the execution. Thus, through endeavoring + to do well, my performance was very faulty; for aiming at expedition, I + did all amiss. This did not prevent M. Rolichon from treating me well to + the last, and giving me half-a-crown at my departure, which I certainly + did not deserve, and which completely set me up, for a few days after I + received news from Madam de Warrens, who was at Chambery, with money to + defray the expenses of my journey to her, which I performed with + rapture. Since then my finances have frequently been very low, but never + at such an ebb as to reduce me to fasting, and I mark this period with a + heart fully alive to the bounty of Providence, as the last of my life in + which I sustained poverty and hunger. + </p> + <p> + I remained at Lyons seven or eight days to wait for some little + commissions with which Madam de Warrens had charged Mademoiselle du + Chatelet, who during this interval I visited more assiduously than + before, having the pleasure of talking with her of her friend, and being + no longer disturbed by the cruel remembrance of my situation, or painful + endeavors to conceal it. Mademoiselle du Chatelet was neither young nor + handsome, but did not want for elegance; she was easy and obliging while + her understanding gave price to her familiarity. She had a taste for + that kind of moral observation which leads to the knowledge of mankind, + and from her originated that study in myself. She was fond of the works + of Le Sage, particularly Gil Blas, which she lent me, and recommended to + my perusal. I read this performance with pleasure, but my judgment was + not yet ripe enough to relish that sort of reading. I liked romances + which abounded with high-flown sentiments. + </p> + <p> + Thus did I pass my time at the grate of Mademoiselle du Chatelet, with + as much profit as pleasure. It is certain that the interesting and + sensible conversation of a deserving woman is more proper to form the + understanding of a young man than all the pedantic philosophy of books. + I got acquainted at the Chasattes with some other boarders and their + friends, and among the rest, with a young person of fourteen, called + Mademoiselle Serre, whom I did not much notice at that time, though I + was in love with her eight or nine years afterwards, and with great + reason, for she was a most charming girl. + </p> + <p> + I was fully occupied with the idea of seeing Madam de Warrens, and this + gave some respite to my chimeras, for finding happiness in real objects + I was the less inclined to seek it in nonentities. I had not only found + her, but also by her means, and near her, an agreeable situation, having + sent me word that she had procured one that would suit me, and by which + I should not be obliged to quit her. I exhausted all my conjectures in + guessing what this occupation could be, but I must have possessed the + art of divination to have hit it on the right. I had money sufficient to + make my journey agreeable: Mademoiselle du Chatelet persuaded me to hire + a horse, but this I could not consent to, and I was certainly right, for + by so doing I should have lost the pleasure of the last pedestrian + expedition I ever made; for I cannot give that name to those excursions + I have frequently taken about my own neighborhood, while I lived at + Motiers. + </p> + <p> + It is very singular that my imagination never rises so high as when my + situation is least agreeable or cheerful. When everything smiles around + me, I am least amused; my heart cannot confine itself to realities, + cannot embellish, but must create. Real objects strike me as they really + are, my imagination can only decorate ideal ones. If I would paint the + spring, it must be in winter; if describe a beautiful landscape, it must + be while surrounded with walls; and I have said a hundred times, that + were I confined in the Bastile, I could draw the most enchanting picture + of liberty. On my departure from Lyons, I saw nothing but an agreeable + future, the content I now with reason enjoyed was as great as my + discontent had been at leaving Paris, notwithstanding, I had not during + this journey any of those delightful reveries I then enjoyed. My mind + was serene, and that was all; I drew near the excellent friend I was + going to see, my heart overflowing with tenderness, enjoying in advance, + but without intoxication, the pleasure of living near her; I had always + expected this, and it was as if nothing new had happened. Meantime, I + was anxious about the employment Madam de Warrens had procured me, as if + that alone had been material. My ideas were calm and peaceable, not + ravishing and celestial; every object struck my sight in its natural + form; I observed the surrounding landscape, remarked the trees, the + houses, the springs, deliberated on the cross-roads, was fearful of + losing myself, yet did not do so; in a word, I was no longer in the + empyrean, but precisely where I found myself, or sometimes perhaps at + the end of my journey, never farther. + </p> + <p> + I am in recounting my travels, as I was in making them, loath to arrive + at the conclusion. My heart beat with joy as I approached my dear Madam + de Warrens, but I went no faster on that account. I love to walk at my + ease, and stop at leisure; a strolling life is necessary to me: + travelling on foot, in a fine country, with fine weather and having an + agreeable object to terminate my journey, is the manner of living of all + others most suited to my taste. + </p> + <p> + It is already understood what I mean by a fine country; never can a flat + one, though ever so beautiful, appear such in my eyes: I must have + torrents, fir trees, black woods, mountains to climb or descend, and + rugged roads with precipices on either side to alarm me. I experienced + this pleasure in its utmost extent as I approached Chambery, not far + from a mountain which is called Pas de l'Echelle. Above the main road, + which is hewn through the rock, a small river runs and rushes into + fearful chasms, which it appears to have been millions of ages in + forming. The road has been hedged by a parapet to prevent accidents, + which enabled me to contemplate the whole descent, and gain vertigoes at + pleasure; for a great part of my amusement in these steep rocks, is, + they cause a giddiness and swimming in my head, which I am particularly + fond of, provided I am in safety; leaning, therefore, over the parapet, + I remained whole hours, catching, from time to time, a glance of the + froth and blue water, whose rushing caught my ear, mingled with the + cries of ravens, and other birds of prep that flew from rock to rock, + and bush to bush, at six hundred feet below me. In places where the + slope was tolerably regular, and clear enough from bushes to let stones + roll freely, I went a considerable way to gather them, bringing those I + could but just carry, which I piled on the parapet, and then threw down + one after the other, being transported at seeing them roll, rebound, and + fly into a thousand pieces, before they reached the bottom of the + precipice. + </p> + <p> + Near Chambery I enjoyed an equal pleasing spectacle, though of a + different kind; the road passing near the foot of the most charming + cascade I ever saw. The water, which is very rapid, shoots from the top + of an excessively steep mountain, falling at such a distance from its + base that you may walk between the cascade and the rock without any + inconvenience; but if not particularly careful it is easy to be deceived + as I was, for the water, falling from such an immense height, separates, + and descends in a rain as fine as dust, and on approaching too near this + cloud, without perceiving it, you may be wet through in an instant. + </p> + <p> + At length I arrived at Madam de Warrens; she was not alone, the + intendant-general was with her. Without speaking a word to me, she + caught my hand, and presenting me to him with that natural grace which + charmed all hearts, said: "This, sir, is the poor young man I mentioned; + deign to protect him as long as he deserves it, and I shall feel no + concern for the remainder of his life." Then added, addressing herself + to me, "Child, you now belong to the king, thank Monsieur the Intendant, + who furnishes you with the means of existence." I stared without + answering, without knowing what to think of all this; rising ambition + almost turned my head; I was already prepared to act the intendant + myself. My fortune, however, was not so brilliant as I had imagined, but + it was sufficient to maintain me, which, as I was situated, was a + capital acquisition. I shall now explain the nature of my employment. + </p> + <p> + King Victor Amadeus, judging by the event of preceding wars, and the + situation of the ancient patrimony of his fathers, that he should not + long be able to maintain it, wished to drain it beforehand. Resolving, + therefore, to tax the nobility, he ordered a general survey of the whole + country, in order that it might be rendered more equal and productive. + This scheme, which was begun under the father, was completed by the son: + two or three hundred men, part surveyors, who were called geometricians, + and part writers, who were called secretaries, were employed in this + work: among those of the latter description Madam de Warrens had got me + appointed. This post, without being very lucrative, furnished the means + of living eligibly in that country; the misfortune was, this employment + could not be of any great duration, but it put me in train to procure + something better, as by this means she hoped to insure the particular + protection of the intendant, who might find me some more settled + occupation before this was concluded. + </p> + <p> + I entered on my new employment a few days after my arrival, and as there + was no great difficulty in the business, soon understood it; thus, after + four or five years of unsettled life, folly, and suffering, since my + departure from Geneva, I began, for the first time, to gain my bread + with credit. + </p> + <p> + These long details of my early youth must have appeared trifling, and I + am sorry for it: though born a man, in a variety of instances, I was + long a child, and am so yet in many particulars. I did not promise the + public a great personage: I promised to describe myself as I am, and to + know me in my advanced age it was necessary to have known me in my + youth. As, in general, objects that are present make less impression on + me than the bare remembrance of them (my ideas being all from + recollection), the first traits which were engraven on my mind have + distinctly remained: those which have since been imprinted there, have + rather combined with the former than effaced them. There is a certain, + yet varied succession of affections and ideas, which continue to + regulate those that follow them, and this progression must be known in + order to judge rightly of those they have influenced. I have studied to + develop the first causes, the better to show the concatenation of + effects. I would be able by some means to render my soul transparent to + the eyes of the reader, and for this purpose endeavor to show it in + every possible point of view, to give him every insight, and act in such + a manner, that not a motion should escape him, as by this means he may + form a judgment of the principles that produce them. + </p> + <p> + Did I take upon myself to decide, and say to the reader, "Such is my + character," he might think that if I did not endeavor to deceive him, I + at least deceived myself; but in, recounting simply all that has + happened to me, all my actions, thoughts, and feelings, I cannot lead + him into an error, unless I do it wilfully, which by this means I could + not easily effect, since it is his province to compare the elements, and + judge of the being they compose: thus the result must be his work, and + if he is then deceived the error will be his own. It is not sufficient + for this purpose that my recitals should be merely faithful, they must + also be minute; it is not for me to judge of the importance of facts, I + ought to declare them simply as they are, and leave the estimate that is + to be formed of them to him. I have adhered to this principle hitherto, + with the most scrupulous exactitude, and shall not depart from it in the + continuation; but the impressions of age are less lively than those of + youth; I began by delineating the latter: should I recollect the rest + with the same precision, the reader, may, perhaps, become weary and + impatient, but I shall not be dissatisfied with my labor. I have but one + thing to apprehend in this undertaking: I do not dread saying too much, + or advancing falsities, but I am fearful of not saying enough, or + concealing truths. + </p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> <a name="link5"></a> <br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK V. + </h1> + <br /><br /> + <p> + It was, I believe, in 1732, that I arrived at Chambery, as already + related, and began my employment of registering land for the king. I was + almost twenty-one, my mind well enough formed for my age, with respect + to sense, but very deficient in point of judgment, and needing every + instruction from those into whose hands I fell, to make me conduct + myself with propriety; for a few years' experience had not been able to + cure me radically of my romantic ideas; and notwithstanding the ills I + had sustained, I knew as little of the world, or mankind, as if I had + never purchased instruction. I slept at home, that is, at the house of + Madam de Warrens; but it was not as at Annecy: here were no gardens, no + brook, no landscape; the house was dark and dismal, and my apartment the + most gloomy of the whole. The prospect a dead wall, an alley instead of + a street, confined air, bad light, small rooms, iron bars, rats, and a + rotten floor; an assemblage of circumstances that do not constitute a + very agreeable habitation; but I was in the same house with my best + friend, incessantly near her, at my desk, or in chamber, so that I could + not perceive the gloominess of my own, or have time to think of it. It + may appear whimsical that she should reside at Chambery on purpose to + live in this disagreeable house; but it was a trait of contrivance which + I ought not to pass over in silence. She had no great inclination for a + journey to Turin, fearing that after the recent revolutions, and the + agitation in which the court yet was, she should not be very favorably + received there; but her affairs seemed to demand her presence, as she + feared being forgotten or ill-treated, particularly as the Count de + Saint-Laurent, Intendent-general of the Finances, was not in her + interest. He had an old house in Chambery, ill-built, and standing in so + disagreeable a situation that it was always untenanted; she hired, and + settled in this house, a plan that succeeded much better than a journey + to Turin would have done, for her pension was not suppressed, and the + Count de Saint-Laurent was ever after one of her best friends. + </p> + <p> + Her household was much on the old footing; her faithful Claude Anet + still remained with her. He was, as I have before mentioned, a peasant + of Moutru, who in his childhood had gathered herbs in Jura for the + purpose of making Swiss tea; she had taken him into her service for his + knowledge of drugs, finding it convenient to have a herbalist among her + domestics. Passionately fond of the study of plants, he became a real + botanist, and had he not died young, might have acquired as much fame in + that science as he deserved for being an honest man. Serious even to + gravity, and older than myself, he was to me a kind of tutor, commanding + respect, and preserving me from a number of follies, for I dared not + forget myself before him. He commanded it likewise from his mistress, + who knew his understanding, uprightness, and inviolable attachment to + herself, and returned it. Claude Anet was of an uncommon temper. I never + encountered a similar disposition: he was slow, deliberate, and + circumspect in his conduct; cold in his manner; laconic and sententious + in his discourse; yet of an impetuosity in his passions, which (though + careful to conceal) preyed upon him inwardly, and urged him to the only + folly he ever committed; that folly, indeed was terrible, it was + poisoning himself. This tragic scene passed soon after my arrival, and + opened my eyes to the intimacy that subsisted between Claude Anet and + his mistress, for had not the information come from her, I should never + have suspected it; yet, surely, if attachment, fidelity, and zeal, could + merit such a recompense, it was due to him, and what further proves him + worthy such a distinction, he never once abused her confidence. They + seldom disputed, and their disagreements ever ended amicably; one, + indeed, was not so fortunate; his mistress, in a passion, said something + affronting, which not being able to digest, he consulted only with + despair, and finding a bottle of laudanum at hand, drank it off; then + went peaceably to bed, expecting to awake no more. Madam de Warrens + herself was uneasy, agitated, wandering about the house and happily—finding + the phial empty—guessed the rest. Her screams, while flying to his + assistance, alarmed me; she confessed all, implored my help, and was + fortunate enough, after repeated efforts, to make him throw up the + laudanum. Witness of this scene, I could not but wonder at my stupidity + in never having suspected the connection; but Claude Anet was so + discreet, that a more penetrating observer might have been deceived. + Their reconciliation affected me, and added respect to the esteem I + before felt for him. From this time I became, in some measure, his + pupil, nor did I find myself the worse for his instruction. + </p> + <p> + I could not learn, without pain, that she lived in greater intimacy with + another than with myself: it was a situation I had not even thought of, + but (which was very natural) it hurt me to see another in possession of + it. Nevertheless, instead of feeling any aversion to the person who had + this advantage over me, I found the attachment I felt for her actually + extend to him. I desired her happiness above all things, and since he + was concerned in her plan of felicity, I was content he should be happy + likewise. Meantime he perfectly entered into the views of his mistress; + conceived a sincere friendship for me, and without affecting the + authority his situation might have entitled him to, he naturally + possessed that which his superior judgment gave him over mine. I dared + do nothing he disproved of, but he was sure to disapprove only what + merited disapprobation: thus we lived in an union which rendered us + mutually happy, and which death alone could dissolve. + </p> + <p> + One proof of the excellence of this amiable woman's character, is, that + all those who loved her, loved each other; even jealousy and rivalship + submitting to the more powerful sentiment with which she inspired them, + and I never saw any of those who surrounded her entertain the least ill + will among themselves. Let the reader pause a moment on this encomium, + and if he can recollect any other woman who deserves it, let him attach + himself to her, if he would obtain happiness. + </p> + <p> + From my arrival at Chambery to my departure for Paris, 1741, included an + interval of eight or nine years, during which time I have few adventures + to relate; my life being as simple as it was agreeable. This uniformity + was precisely what was most wanting to complete the formation of my + character, which continual troubles had prevented from acquiring any + degree of stability. It was during this pleasing interval, that my + unconnected, unfinished education, gained consistence, and made me what + I have unalterably remained amid the storms with which I have since been + surrounded. + </p> + <p> + The progress was slow, almost imperceptible, and attended by few + memorable circumstances; yet it deserves to be followed and + investigated. + </p> + <p> + At first, I was wholly occupied with my business, the constraint of a + desk left little opportunity for other thoughts, the small portion of + time I was at liberty was passed with my dear Madam de Warrens, and not + having leisure to read, I felt no inclination for it; but when my + business (by daily repetition) became familiar, and my mind was less + occupied, study again became necessary, and (as my desires were ever + irritated by any difficulty that opposed the indulgence of them) might + once more have become a passion, as at my master's, had not other + inclinations interposed and diverted it. + </p> + <p> + Though our occupation did not demand a very profound skill in + arithmetic, it sometimes required enough to puzzle me. To conquer this + difficulty, I purchased books which treated on that science, and learned + well, for I now studied alone. Practical arithmetic extends further than + is usually supposed if you would attain exact precision. There are + operations of extreme length in which I have sometimes seen good + geometricians lose themselves. Reflection, assisted by practice, gives + clear ideas, and enables you to devise shorter methods, these inventions + flatter our self-complacency, while their exactitude satisfies our + understanding, and renders a study pleasant, which is, of itself, heavy + and unentertaining. At length I became so expert as not to be puzzled by + any question that was solvable by arithmetical calculation; and even + now, while everything I formerly knew fades daily on my memory, this + acquirement, in a great measure remains, through an interval of thirty + years. A few days ago, in a journey I made to Davenport, being with my + host at an arithmetical lesson given his children, I did (with pleasure, + and without errors) a most complicated work. While setting down my + figures, methought I was still at Chambery, still in my days of + happiness—how far had I to look back for them! + </p> + <p> + The colored plans of our geometricians had given me a taste for drawing: + accordingly I bought colors, and began by attempting flowers and + landscapes. It was unfortunate that I had not talents for this art, for + my inclination was much disposed to it, and while surrounded with + crayons, pencils, and colors, I could have passed whole months without + wishing to leave them. This amusement engaged me so much that they were + obliged to force me from it; and thus it is with every inclination I + give into, it continues to augment, till at length it becomes so + powerful, that I lose sight of everything except the favorite amusement. + Years have not been able to cure me of that fault, nay, have not even + diminished it; for while I am writing this, behold me, like an old + dotard, infatuated with another, to me useless study, which I do not + understand, and which even those who have devoted their youthful days to + the acquisition of, are constrained to abandon, at the age I am + beginning with it. + </p> + <p> + At that time, the study I am now speaking of would have been well + placed, the opportunity was good, and I had some temptation to profit by + it; for the satisfaction I saw in the eyes of Anet, when he came home + loaded with new discovered plants, set me two or three times on the + point of going to herbalize with him, and I am almost certain that had I + gone once, I should have been caught, and perhaps at this day might have + been an excellent botanist, for I know no study more congenial to my + natural inclination, than that of plants; the life I have led for these + ten years past, in the country, being little more than a continual + herbalizing, though I must confess, without object, and without + improvement; but at the time I am now speaking of I had no inclination + for botany, nay, I even despised, and was disgusted at the idea, + considering it only as a fit study for an apothecary. Madam de Warrens + was fond of it merely for this purpose, seeking none but common plants + to use in her medical preparations; thus botany, chemistry, and anatomy + were confounded in my idea under the general denomination of medicine, + and served to furnish me with pleasant sarcasms the whole day, which + procured me, from time to time, a box on the ear, applied by Madam de + Warrens. Besides this, a very contrary taste grew up with me, and by + degrees absorbed all others; this was music. I was certainly born for + that science, I loved it from my infancy, and it was the only + inclination I have constantly adhered to; but it is astonishing that + what nature seemed to have designed me for should have cost so much + pains to learn, and that I should acquire it so slowly, that after a + whole life spent in the practice of this art, I could never attain to + sing with any certainty at sight. What rendered the study of music more + agreeable to me at that time, was, being able to practise it with Madam + de Warrens. In other respects our tastes were widely different: this was + a point of coincidence, which I loved to avail myself of. She had no + more objection to this than myself. I knew at that time almost as much + of it as she did, and after two or three efforts, we could make shift to + decipher an air. Sometimes, when I saw her busy at her furnace, I have + said, "Here now is a charming duet, which seems made for the very + purpose of spoiling your drugs;" her answer would be, "If you make me + burn them, I'll make you eat them:" thus disputing, I drew her to the + harpsichord; the furnace was presently forgotten, the extract of juniper + or wormwood calcined (which I cannot recollect without transport), and + these scenes usually ended by her smearing my face with the remains of + them. + </p> + <p> + It may easily be conjectured that I had plenty of employment to fill up + my leisure hours; one amusement, however, found room, that was well + worth all the rest. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="p162" id="p162"></a> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="p162.jpg (90K)" src="images/p162.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <p> + We lived in such a confined dungeon, that it was necessary sometimes to + breathe the open air; Anet, therefore, engaged Madam de Warrens to hire + a garden in the suburbs, both for this purpose and the convenience of + rearing plants, etc.; to this garden was added a summer—house, + which was furnished in the customary manner; we sometimes dined, and I + frequently slept, there. Insensibly I became attached to this little + retreat, decorated it with books and prints, spending part of my time in + ornamenting it during the absence of Madam de Warrens, that I might + surprise her the more agreeably on her return. Sometimes I quitted this + dear friend, that I might enjoy the uninterrupted pleasure of thinking + on her; this was a caprice I can neither excuse nor fully explain, I + only know this really was the case, and therefore I avow it. I remember + Madam de Luxembourg told me one day in raillery, of a man who used to + leave his mistress that he might enjoy the satisfaction of writing to + her; I answered, I could have been this man; I might have added, That I + had done the very same. + </p> + <p> + I did not, however, find it necessary to leave Madam de Warrens that I + might love her the more ardently, for I was ever as perfectly free with + her as when alone; an advantage I never enjoyed with any other person, + man or woman, however I might be attached to them; but she was so often + surrounded by company who were far from pleasing me, that spite and + weariness drove me to this asylum, where I could indulge the idea, + without danger of being interrupted by impertinence. Thus, my time being + divided between business, pleasure, and instruction, my life passed in + the most absolute serenity. Europe was not equally tranquil: France and + the emperor had mutually declared war, the King of Sardinia had entered + into the quarrel, and a French army had filed off into Piedmont to awe + the Milanese. Our division passed through Chambery, and, among others, + the regiment of Champaigne, whose colonel was the Duke de la Trimouille, + to whom I was presented. He promised many things, but doubtless never + more thought of me. Our little garden was exactly at the end of the + suburb by which the troops entered, so that I could fully satisfy my + curiosity in seeing them pass, and I became as anxious for the success + of the war as if it had nearly concerned me. Till now I had never + troubled myself about politics, for the first time I began reading the + gazettes, but with so much partiality on the side of France, that my + heart beat with rapture on its most trifling advantages, and I was as + much afflicted on a reverse of fortune, as if I had been particularly + concerned. + </p> + <p> + Had this folly been transient, I should not, perhaps, have mentioned it, + but it took such root in my heart (without any reasonable cause) that + when I afterwards acted the anti-despot and proud republican at Paris, + in spite of myself, I felt a secret predilection for the nation I + declared servile, and for that government I affected to oppose. The + pleasantest of all was that, ashamed of an inclination so contrary to my + professed maxims, I dared not own it to any one, but rallied the French + on their defeats, while my heart was more wounded than their own. I am + certainly the first man, that, living with a people who treated him + well, and whom he almost adored, put on, even in their own country, a + borrowed air of despising them; yet my original inclination is so + powerful, constant, disinterested, and invincible, that even since my + quitting that kingdom, since its government, magistrates, and authors, + have outvied each other in rancor against me, since it has become + fashionable to load me with injustice and abuse, I have not been able to + get rid of this folly, but notwithstanding their ill-treatment, love + them in spite of myself. + </p> + <p> + I long sought the cause of this partiality, but was never able to find + any, except in the occasion that gave it birth. A rising taste for + literature attached me to French books, to their authors, and their + country: at the very moment the French troops were passing Chambery, I + was reading Brantome's 'Celebrated Captains'; my head was full of the + Clissons, Bayards, Lautrecs Colignys, Monlmoreneys, and Trimouille, and + I loved their descendants as the heirs of their merit and courage. In + each regiment that passed by methought I saw those famous black bands + who had formerly done so many noble exploits in Piedmont; in fine, I + applied to these all the ideas I had gathered from books; my reading + continued, which, still drawn from the same nation, nourished my + affection for that country, till, at length, it became a blind passion, + which nothing could overcome. I have had occasion to remark several + times in the course of my travels, that this impression was not peculiar + to me for France, but was more or less active in every country, for that + part of the nation who were fond of literature, and cultivated learning; + and it was this consideration that balanced in my mind the general + hatred which the conceited air of the French is so apt to inspire. Their + romances, more than their men, attract the women of all countries, and + the celebrated dramatic pieces of France create a fondness in youth for + their theaters; the reputation which that of Paris in particular has + acquired, draws to it crowds of strangers, who return enthusiasts to + their own country: in short, the excellence of their literature + captivates the senses, and in the unfortunate war just ended, I have + seen their authors and philosophers maintain the glory of France, so + tarnished by its warriors. + </p> + <p> + I was, therefore, an ardent Frenchman; this rendered me a politician, + and I attended in the public square, amid a throng of news-mongers, the + arrival of the post, and, sillier than the ass in the fable, was very + uneasy to know whose packsaddle I should next have the honor to carry, + for it was then supposed we should belong to France, and that Savoy + would be exchanged for Milan. I must confess, however, that I + experienced some uneasiness, for had this war terminated unfortunately + for the allies, the pension of Madam de Warrens would have been in a + dangerous situation; nevertheless, I had great confidence in my good + friends, the French, and for once (in spite of the surprise of M. de + Broglio) my confidence was not ill-founded—thanks to the King of + Sardinia, whom I had never thought of. + </p> + <p> + While we were fighting in Italy, they were singing in France: the operas + of Rameau began to make a noise there, and once more raise the credit of + his theoretic works, which, from their obscurity, were within the + compass of very few understandings. By chance I heard of his 'Treatise + on Harmony', and had no rest till I purchased it. By another chance I + fell sick; my illness was inflammatory, short and violent, but my + convalescence was tedious, for I was unable to go abroad for a whole + month. During this time I eagerly ran over my Treatise on Harmony, but + it was so long, so diffuse, and so badly disposed, that I found it would + require a considerable time to unravel it: accordingly I suspended my + inclination, and recreated my sight with music. + </p> + <p> + The cantatas of Bernier were what I principally exercised myself with. + These were never out of my mind; I learned four or five by heart, and + among the rest, 'The Sleeping Cupids', which I have never seen since + that time, though I still retain it almost entirely; as well as 'Cupid + Stung by a Bee', a very pretty cantata by Clerambault, which I learned + about the same time. + </p> + <p> + To complete me, there arrived a young organist from Valdoste, called the + Abbe Palais, a good musician and an agreeable companion, who performed + very well on the harpsichord; I got acquainted with him, and we soon + became inseparable. He had been brought up by an Italian monk, who was a + capital organist. He explained to me his principles of music, which I + compared with Rameau; my head was filled with accompaniments, concords + and harmony, but as it was necessary to accustom the ear to all this, I + proposed to Madam de Warrens having a little concert once a month, to + which she consented. + </p> + <p> + Behold me then so full of this concert, that night or day I could think + of nothing else, and it actually employed a great part of my time to + select the music, assemble the musicians, look to the instruments, and + write out the several parts. Madam de Warrens sang; Father Cato (whom I + have before mentioned, and shall have occasion to speak of again) sang + likewise; a dancing—master named Roche, and his son, played on the + violin; Canavas, a Piedmontese musician (who was employed like myself in + the survey, and has since married at Paris), played on the violoncello; + the Abbe Palais performed on the harpsichord, and I had the honor to + conduct the whole. It may be supposed all this was charming; I cannot + say it equalled my concert at Monsieur de Tretoren's, but certainly it + was not far behind it. + </p> + <p> + This little concert, given by Madam de Warrens, the new convert, who + lived (it was expressed) on the king's charity, made the whole tribe of + devotees murmur, but was a very agreeable amusement to several worthy + people, at the head of whom it would not be easily surmised that I + should place a monk; yet, though a monk, a man of considerable merit, + and even of a very amiable disposition, whose subsequent misfortunes + gave me the most lively concern, and whose idea, attached to that of my + happy days, is yet dear to my memory. I speak of Father Cato, a + Cordelier, who, in conjunction with the Count d'Ortan, had caused the + music of poor Le Maitre to be seized at Lyons; which action was far from + being the brightest trait in his history. He was a Bachelor of Sorbonne, + had lived long in Paris among the great world, and was particularly + caressed by the Marquis d'Antremont, then Ambassador from Sardinia. He + was tall and well made; full faced, with very fine eyes, and black hair, + which formed natural curls on each side of his forehead. His manner was + at once noble, open, and modest; he presented himself with ease and good + manners, having neither the hypocritical nor impudent behavior of a + monk, or the forward assurance of a fashionable coxcomb, but the manners + of a well-bred man, who, without blushing for his habit, set a value on + himself, and ever felt in his proper situation when in good company. + Though Father Cato was not deeply studied for a doctor, he was much so + for a man of the world, and not being compelled to show his talents, he + brought them forward so advantageously that they appeared greater than + they really were. Having lived much in the world, he had rather attached + himself to agreeable acquirements than to solid learning; had sense, + made verses, spoke well, sang better, and aided his good voice by + playing on the organ and harpsichord. So many pleasing qualities were + not necessary to make his company sought after, and, accordingly, it was + very much so, but this did not make him neglect the duties of his + function: he was chosen (in spite of his jealous competitors) Definitor + of his Province, or, according to them, one of the greatest pillars of + their order. + </p> + <p> + Father Cato became acquainted with Madam de Warrens at the Marquis of + Antremont's; he had heard of her concerts, wished to assist at them, and + by his company rendered our meetings truly agreeable. We were soon + attached to each other by our mutual taste for music, which in both was + a most lively passion, with this difference, that he was really a + musician, and myself a bungler. Sometimes assisted by Canavas and the + Abbe Palais, we had music in his apartment; or on holidays at his organ, + and frequently dined with him; for, what was very astonishing in a monk, + he was generous, profuse, and loved good cheer, without the least + tincture of greediness. After our concerts, he always used to stay to + supper, and these evenings passed with the greatest gayety and + good-humor; we conversed with the utmost freedom, and sang duets; I was + perfectly at my ease, had sallies of wit and merriment; Father Cato was + charming, Madam de Warrens adorable, and the Abbe Palais, with his rough + voice, was the butt of the company. Pleasing moments of sportive youth, + how long since have ye fled! + </p> + <p> + As I shall have no more occasion to speak of poor Father Cato, I will + here conclude in a few words his melancholy history. His brother monks, + jealous, or rather exasperated to discover in him a merit and elegance + of manners which favored nothing of monastic stupidity, conceived the + most violent hatred to him, because he was not as despicable as + themselves; the chiefs, therefore, combined against this worthy man, and + set on the envious rabble of monks, who otherwise would not have dared + to hazard the attack. He received a thousand indignities; they degraded + him from his office, took away the apartment which he had furnished with + elegant simplicity, and, at length, banished him, I know not whither: in + short, these wretches overwhelmed him with so many evils, that his + honest and proud soul sank under the pressure, and, after having been + the delight of the most amiable societies, he died of grief, on a + wretched bed, hid in some cell or dungeon, lamented by all worthy people + of his acquaintance, who could find no fault in him, except his being a + monk. + </p> + <p> + Accustomed to this manner of life for some time, I became so entirely + attached to music that I could think of nothing else. I went to my + business with disgust, the necessary confinement and assiduity appeared + an insupportable punishment, which I at length wished to relinquish, + that I might give myself up without reserve to my favorite amusement. It + will be readily believed that this folly met with some opposition; to + give up a creditable employment and fixed salary to run after uncertain + scholars was too giddy a plan to be approved of by Madam de Warrens, and + even supposing my future success should prove as great as I flattered + myself, it was fixing very humble limits to my ambition to think of + reducing myself for life to the condition of a music-master. She, who + formed for me the brightest projects, and no longer trusted implicitly + to the judgment of M. d'Aubonne, seeing with concern that I was so + seriously occupied with a talent which she thought frivolous, frequently + repeated to me that provincial proverb, which does not hold quite so + good in Paris, + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + "Qui biens chante et biens dance, <br /> fait un metier qui peu + avance." + </p> + </blockquote> + <br /> + <p> + [He who can sweetly sing and featly dance. <br /> His interests right + little shall advance.] + </p> + <br /> + <p> + On the other hand, she saw me hurried away by this irresistible passion, + my taste for music having become a furor, and it was much to be feared + that my employment, suffering by my distraction, might draw on me a + discharge, which would be worse than a voluntary resignation. I + represented to her; that this employment could not last long, that it + was necessary I should have some permanent means of subsistence, and + that it would be much better to complete by practice the acquisition of + that art to which my inclination led me than to make fresh essays, which + possibly might not succeed, since by this means, having passed the age + most proper for improvement, I might be left without a single resource + for gaining a livelihood: in short, I extorted her consent more by + importunity and caresses than by any satisfactory reasons. Proud of my + success, I immediately ran to thank M. Coccelli, Director-General of the + Survey, as though I had performed the most heroic action, and quitted my + employment without cause, reason, or pretext, with as much pleasure as I + had accepted it two years before. + </p> + <p> + This step, ridiculous as it may appear, procured me a kind of + consideration, which I found extremely useful. Some supposed I had + resources which I did not possess; others, seeing me totally given up to + music, judged of my abilities by the sacrifice I had made, and concluded + that with such a passion for the art, I must possess it in a superior + degree. In a nation of blind men, those with one eye are kings. I passed + here for an excellent master, because all the rest were very bad ones. + Possessing taste in singing, and being favored by my age and figure, I + soon procured more scholars than were sufficient to compensate for the + losses of my secretary's pay. It is certain, that had it been reasonable + to consider the pleasure of my situation only, it was impossible to pass + more speedily from one extreme to the other. At our measuring, I was + confined eight hours in the day to the most unentertaining employment, + with yet more disagreeable company. Shut up in a melancholy + counting-house, empoisoned by the smell and respiration of a number of + clowns, the major part of whom were ill-combed and very dirty, what with + attention, bad air, constraint and weariness, I was sometimes so far + overcome as to occasion a vertigo. Instead of this, behold me admitted + into the fashionable world, sought after in the first houses, and + everywhere received with an air of satisfaction; amiable and gay young + ladies awaiting my arrival, and welcoming me with pleasure; I see + nothing but charming objects, smell nothing but roses and orange + flowers; singing, chatting, laughter, and amusements, perpetually + succeed each other. It must be allowed, that reckoning all these + advantages, no hesitation was necessary in the choice; in fact, I was so + content with mine, that I never once repented it; nor do I even now, + when, free from the irrational motives that influenced me at that time, + I weigh in the scale of reason every action of my life. + </p> + <p> + This is, perhaps, the only time that, listening to inclination, I was + not deceived in my expectations. The easy access, obliging temper, and + free humor of this country, rendered a commerce with the world + agreeable, and the inclination I then felt for it, proves to me, that if + I have a dislike for society, it is more their fault than mine. It is a + pity the Savoyards are not rich: though, perhaps, it would be a still + greater pity if they were so, for altogether they are the best, the most + sociable people that I know, and if there is a little city in the world + where the pleasures of life are experienced in an agreeable and friendly + commerce, it is at Chambery. The gentry of the province who assemble + there have only sufficient wealth to live and not enough to spoil them; + they cannot give way to ambition, but follow, through necessity, the + counsel of Cyneas, devoting their youth to a military employment, and + returning home to grow old in peace; an arrangement over which honor and + reason equally preside. The women are handsome, yet do not stand in need + of beauty, since they possess all those qualifications which enhance its + value and even supply the want of it. It is remarkable, that being + obliged by my profession to see a number of young girls, I do not + recollect one at Chambery but what was charming: it will be said I was + disposed to find them so, and perhaps there maybe some truth in the + surmise. I cannot remember my young scholars without pleasure. Why, in + naming the most amiable, cannot I recall them and myself also to that + happy age in which our moments, pleasing as innocent, were passed with + such happiness together? The first was Mademoiselle de Mallarede, my + neighbor, and sister to a pupil of Monsieur Gaime. She was a fine clear + brunette, lively and graceful, without giddiness; thin as girls of that + age usually are; but her bright eyes, fine shape, and easy air, rendered + her sufficiently pleasing with that degree of plumpness which would have + given a heightening to her charms. I went there of mornings, when she + was usually in her dishabille, her hair carelessly turned up, and, on my + arrival, ornamented with a flower, which was taken off at my departure + for her hair to be dressed. There is nothing I fear so much as a pretty + woman in an elegant dishabille; I should dread them a hundred times less + in full dress. Mademoiselle de Menthon, whom I attended in the + afternoon, was ever so. She made an equally pleasing, but quite + different impression on me. Her hair was flaxen, her person delicate, + she was very timid and extremely fair, had a clear voice, capable of + just modulation, but which she had not courage to employ to its full + extent. She had the mark of a scald on her bosom, which a scanty piece + of blue chenille did not entirely cover, this scar sometimes drew my + attention, though not absolutely on its own account. Mademoiselle des + Challes, another of my neighbors, was a woman grown, tall, well-formed, + jolly, very pleasing though not a beauty, and might be quoted for her + gracefulness, equal temper, and good humor. Her sister, Madam de Charly, + the handsomest woman of Chambery, did not learn music, but I taught her + daughter, who was yet young, but whose growing beauty promised to equal + her mother's, if she had not unfortunately been a little red-haired. I + had likewise among my scholars a little French lady, whose name I have + forgotten, but who merits a place in my list of preferences. She had + adopted the slow drawling tone of the nuns, in which voice she would + utter some very keen things, which did not in the least appear to + correspond with her manner; but she was indolent, and could not + generally take pains to show her wit, that being a favor she did not + grant to every one. After a month or two of negligent attendance, this + was an expedient she devised to make me more assiduous, for I could not + easily persuade myself to be so. When with my scholars, I was fond + enough of teaching, but could not bear the idea of being obliged to + attend at a particular hour; constraint and subjection in every shape + are to me insupportable, and alone sufficient to make me hate even + pleasure itself. + </p> + <p> + I had some scholars likewise among the tradespeople, and, among others, + one who was the indirect cause of a change of relationship, which (as I + have promised to declare all) I must relate in its place. She was the + daughter of a grocer, and was called Mademoiselle de Larnage, a perfect + model for a Grecian statue, and whom I should quote for the handsomest + girl I have ever seen, if true beauty could exist without life or soul. + Her indolence, reserve, and insensibility were inconceivable; it was + equally impossible to please or make her angry, and I am convinced that + had any one formed a design upon her virtue, he might have succeeded, + not through her inclination, but from her stupidity. Her mother, who + would run no risk of this, did not leave her a single moment. In having + her taught to sing and providing a young master, she had hoped to + enliven her, but it all proved ineffectual. While the master was + admiring the daughter, the mother was admiring the master, but this was + equally lost labor. Madam de Larnage added to her natural vivacity that + portion of sprightliness which should have belonged to the daughter. She + was a little, ugly, lively trollop, with small twinkling ferret eyes, + and marked with smallpox. On my arrival in the morning, I always found + my coffee and cream ready, and the mother never failed to welcome me + with a kiss on the lips, which I would willingly have returned the + daughter, to see how she would have received it. All this was done with + such an air of carelessness and simplicity, that even when M. de Larnage + was present; her kisses and caresses were not omitted. He was a good + quiet fellow, the true original of his daughter; nor did his wife + endeavor to deceive him, because there was absolutely no occasion for + it. + </p> + <p> + I received all these caresses with my usual stupidity, taking them only + for marks of pure friendship, though they were sometimes troublesome; + for the lively Madam Lard was displeased, if, during the day, I passed + the shop without calling; it became necessary, therefore (when I had no + time to spare), to go out of my way through another street, well knowing + it was not so easy to quit her house as to enter it. + </p> + <p> + Madam Lard thought so much of me, that I could not avoid thinking + something of her. Her attentions affected me greatly; and I spoke of + them to Madam de Warrens, without supposing any mystery in the matter, + but had there been one I should equally have divulged it, for to have + kept a secret of any kind from her would have been impossible. My heart + lay as open to Madam de Warrens as to Heaven. She did not understand the + matter quite so simply as I had done, but saw advances where I only + discovered friendship. She concluded that Madam Lard would make a point + of not leaving me as great a fool as she found me, and, some way or + other, contrive to make herself understood; but exclusive of the + consideration that it was not just, that another should undertake the + instruction of her pupil, she had motives more worthy of her, wishing to + guard me against the snares to which my youth and inexperience exposed + me. Meantime, a more dangerous temptation offered which I likewise + escaped, but which proved to her that such a succession of dangers + required every preservative she could possibly apply. + </p> + <p> + The Countess of Menthon, mother to one of my scholars, was a woman of + great wit, and reckoned to possess, at least, an equal share of + mischief, having (as was reported) caused a number of quarrels, and, + among others, one that terminated fatally for the house of D' Antremont. + Madam de Warrens had seen enough of her to know her character: for + having (very innocently) pleased some person to whom Madam de Menthon + had pretensions, she found her guilty of the crime of this preference, + though Madam de Warrens had neither sought after nor accepted it, and + from that moment endeavored to play her rival a number of ill turns, + none of which succeeded. I shall relate one of the most whimsical, by + way of specimen. + </p> + <p> + They were together in the country, with several gentlemen of the + neighborhood, and among the rest the lover in question. Madam de Menthon + took an opportunity to say to one of these gentlemen, that Madam de + Warrens was a prude, that she dressed ill, and particularly that she + covered her neck like a tradeswoman. "O, for that matter," replied the + person she was speaking to (who was fond of a joke), "she has good + reason, for I know she is marked with a great ugly rat on her bosom, so + naturally, that it even appears to be running." Hatred, as well as love, + renders its votaries credulous. Madam de Menthon resolved to make use of + this discovery, and one day, while Madam de Warrens was at cards with + this lady's ungrateful favorite, she contrived, in passing behind her + rival, almost to overset the chair she sat on, and at the same instant, + very dexterously displaced her handkerchief; but instead of this hideous + rat, the gentleman beheld a far different object, which it was not more + easy to forget than to obtain a sight of, and which by no means answered + the intentions of the lady. + </p> + <p> + I was not calculated to engross the attention of Madam de Menthon, who + loved to be surrounded by brilliant company; notwithstanding she + bestowed some attention on me, not for the sake of my person, which she + certainly did not regard, but for the reputation of wit which I had + acquired, and which might have rendered me convenient to her predominant + inclination. She had a very lively passion for ridicule, and loved to + write songs and lampoons on those who displeased her: had she found me + possessed of sufficient talents to aid the fabrication of her verses, + and complaisance enough to do so, we should presently have turned + Chambery upside down; these libels would have been traced to their + source, Madam de Menthon would have saved herself by sacrificing me, and + I should have been cooped up in prison, perhaps, for the rest of my + life, as a recompense for having figured away as the Apollo of the + ladies. Fortunately, nothing of this kind happened; Madam de Menthon + made me stay for dinner two or three days, to chat with me, and soon + found I was too dull for her purpose. I felt this myself, and was + humiliated at the discovery, envying the talents of my friend Venture; + though I should rather have been obliged to my stupidity for keeping me + out of the reach of danger. I remained, therefore, Madam de Menthon's + daughter's singing-master, and nothing more! but I lived happily, and + was ever well received at Chambery, which was a thousand times more + desirable than passing for a wit with her, and for a serpent with + everybody else. + </p> + <p> + However this might be, Madam de Warrens conceived it necessary to guard + me from the perils of youth by treating me as a man: this she + immediately set about, but in the most extraordinary manner that any + woman, in similar circumstances, ever devised. I all at once observed + that her manner was graver, and her discourse more moral than usual. To + the playful gayety with which she used to intermingle her instructions + suddenly succeeded an uniformity of manner, neither familiar nor severe, + but which seemed to prepare me for some explanation. After having vainly + racked my brain for the reason of this change, I mentioned it to her; + this she had expected and immediately proposed a walk to our garden the + next day. Accordingly we went there the next morning; she had contrived + that we should remain alone the whole day, which she employed in + preparing me for those favors she meant to bestow; not as another woman + would have done, by toying and folly, but by discourses full of + sentiment and reason, rather tending to instruct than seduce, and which + spoke more to my heart than to my senses. Meantime, however excellent + and to the purpose these discourses might be, and though far enough from + coldness or melancholy, I did not listen to them with all the attention + they merited, nor fix them in my memory as I should have done at any + other time. That air of preparation which she had adopted gave me a + degree of inquietude; while she spoke (in spite of myself) I was + thoughtful and absent, attending less to what she said than curious to + know what she aimed at; and no sooner had I comprehended her design + (which I could not easily do) than the novelty of the idea, which, + during all the years I had passed with her, had never once entered my + imagination, took such entire possession of me that I was no longer + capable of minding what she said! I only thought of her; I heard her no + longer. + </p> + <p> + Thinking to render young minds attentive to reason by proposing some + highly interesting object as the result of it, is an error instructors + frequently run into, and one which I have not avoided in my Umilius. The + young pupil, struck with the object presented to him, is occupied only + with that, and leaping lightly over your preliminary discourses, lights + at once on the point, to which, in his idea, you lead him too tediously. + To render him attentive, he must be prevented from seeing the whole of + your design; and, in this particular, Madam de Warrens did not act with + sufficient precaution. + </p> + <p> + By a singularity which adhered to her systematic disposition, she took + the vain precaution of proposing conditions; but the moment I knew the + purchase, I no longer even heard them, but immediately consented to + everything; and I doubt whether there is a man on the whole earth who + would have been sincere or courageous enough to dispute terms, or one + single woman who would have pardoned such a dispute. By a continuation + of the same whimsicality, she attached a number of the gravest + formalities to the acquisition of her favors, and gave me eight days to + think of them, which I assured her I had no need of, though that + assurance was far from a truth: for to complete this assemblage of + singularities, I was very glad to have this intermission; so much had + the novelty of these ideas struck me, and such disorder did I feel in + mine, that it required time to arrange them. + </p> + <p> + It will be supposed, that these eight days appeared to me as many ages; + on the contrary, I should have been very glad had the time been + lengthened. I find it difficult to describe the state I found myself in; + it was a strange chaos of fear and impatience, dreading what I desired, + and studying some civil pretext to evade my happiness. + </p> + <p> + Let the warmth of my constitution be remembered, my age, and my heart + intoxicated with love; let my tender attachment to her be supposed, + which, far from having diminished, had daily gained additional strength; + let it be considered that I was only happy when with her, that my heart + was full, not only of her bounty, of her amiable disposition, but of her + shape, of her person, of herself; in a word, conceive me united to her + by every affinity that could possibly render her dear; nor let it be + supposed, that, being ten or twelve years older than myself, she began + to grow an old woman, or was so in my opinion. From the time the first + sight of her had made such an impression on me, she had really altered + very little, and, in my mind, not at all. To me she was ever charming, + and was still thought so by everyone. She had got something jollier, but + had the same fine eyes, the same clear complexion, the same features, + the same beautiful light hair, the sane gayety, and even the same voice, + whose youthful and silvery sound made so lively an impression on my + heart, that, even to this day, I cannot hear a young woman's voice, that + is at all harmonious, without emotion. It will be seen, that in a more + advanced age, the bare idea of some trifling favors I had to expect from + the person I loved, inflamed me so far, that I could not support, with + any degree of patience, the time necessary to traverse the short space + that separated us; how then, by what miracle, when in the flower of my + youth, had I so little impatience for a happiness I had never tasted but + in idea? How could I see the moment advancing with more pain than + pleasure? Why, instead of transports that should have intoxicated me + with their deliciousness, did I experience only fears and repugnance? I + have no doubt that if I could have avoided this happiness with any + degree of decency, I should have relinquished it with all my heart. I + have promised a number of extravagancies in the history of my attachment + to her; this certainly is one that no idea could be formed of. + </p> + <p> + The reader (already disgusted) supposes, that being in the situation I + have before described with Claude Anet, she was already degraded in my + opinion by this participation of her favors, and that a sentiment of + disesteem weakened those she had before inspired me with; but he is + mistaken. 'Tis true that this participation gave me a cruel uneasiness, + as well from a very natural sentiment of delicacy, as because it + appeared unworthy both of her and myself; but as to my sentiments for + her, they were still the same, and I can solemnly aver, that I never + loved her more tenderly than when I felt so little propensity to avail + myself of her condescension. I was too well acquainted with the chastity + of her heart and the iciness of her constitution, to suppose a moment + that the gratification of the senses had any influence over her; I was + well convinced that her only motive was to guard me from dangers, which + appeared otherwise inevitable, by this extraordinary favor, which she + did not consider in the same light that women usually do; as will + presently be explained. + </p> + <p> + The habit of living a long time innocently together, far from weakening + the first sentiments I felt for her, had contributed to strengthen them, + giving a more lively, a more tender, but at the same time a less + sensual, turn to my affection. Having ever accustomed myself to call her + Mama (as formerly observed) and enjoying the familiarity of a son, it + became natural to consider myself as such, and I am inclined to think + this was the true reason of that insensibility with a person I so + tenderly loved; for I can perfectly recollect that my emotions on first + seeing her, though not more lively, were more voluptuous: At Annecy I + was intoxicated, at Chambery I possessed my reason. I always loved her + as passionately as possible, but I now loved her more for herself and + less on my own account; or, at least, I rather sought for happiness than + pleasure in her company. She was more to me than a sister, a mother, a + friend, or even than a mistress, and for this very reason she was not a + mistress; in a word, I loved her too much to desire her. + </p> + <p> + This day, more dreaded than hoped for, at length arrived. I have before + observed, that I promised everything that was required of me, and I kept + my word: my heart confirmed my engagements without desiring the fruits, + though at length I obtained them. Was I happy? No: I felt I know not + what invincible sadness which empoisoned my happiness, it seemed that I + had committed an incest, and two or three times, pressing her eagerly in + my arms, I deluged her bosom with my tears. On her part, as she had + never sought pleasure, she had not the stings of remorse. + </p> + <p> + I repeat it, all her failings were the effect of her errors, never of + her passions. She was well born, her heart was pure, her manners noble, + her desires regular and virtuous, her taste delicate; she seemed formed + for that elegant purity of manners which she ever loved, but never + practised, because instead of listening to the dictates of her heart, + she followed those of her reason, which led her astray: for when once + corrupted by false principles it will ever run counter to its natural + sentiments. Unhappily, she piqued herself on philosophy, and the morals + she drew from thence clouded the genuine purity of her heart. + </p> + <p> + M. Tavel, her first lover, was also her instructor in this philosophy, + and the principles he instilled into her mind were such as tended to + seduce her. Finding her cold and impregnable on the side of her + passions, and firmly attached to her husband and her duty, he attacked + her by sophisms, endeavoring to prove that the list of duties she + thought so sacred, was but a sort of catechism, fit only for children. + That the kind of infidelity she thought so terrible, was, in itself, + absolutely indifferent; that all the morality of conjugal faith + consisted in opinion, the contentment of husbands being the only + reasonable rule of duty in wives; consequently that concealed + infidelities, doing no injury, could be no crime; in a word, he + persuaded her that the sin consisted only in the scandal, that woman + being really virtuous who took care to appear so. Thus the deceiver + obtained his end in the subverting the reason of a girl; whose heart he + found it impossible to corrupt, and received his punishment in a + devouring jealousy, being persuaded she would treat him as he had + prevailed on her to treat her husband. + </p> + <p> + I don't know whether he was mistaken in this respect: the Minister + Perret passed for his successor; all I know, is, that the coldness of + temperament which it might have been supposed would have kept her from + embracing this system, in the end prevented her from renouncing it. She + could not conceive how so much importance should be given to what seemed + to have none for her; nor could she honor with the name of virtue, an + abstinence which would have cost her little. + </p> + <p> + She did not, therefore, give in to this false principle on her own + account, but for the sake of others; and that from another maxim almost + as false as the former, but more consonant to the generosity of her + disposition. + </p> + <p> + She was persuaded that nothing could attach a man so truly to any woman + as an unbounded freedom, and though she was only susceptible of + friendship, this friendship was so tender, that she made use of every + means which depended on her to secure the objects of it, and, which is + very extraordinary, almost always succeeded: for she was so truly + amiable, that an increase of intimacy was sure to discover additional + reasons to love and respect her. Another thing worthy of remark is, that + after her first folly, she only favored the unfortunate. Lovers in a + more brilliant station lost their labor with her, but the man who at + first attracted her pity, must have possessed very few good qualities if + in the end he did not obtain her affection. Even when she made an + unworthy choice, far from proceeding from base inclinations (which were + strangers to her noble heart) it was the effect of a disposition too + generous, humane, compassionate, and sensible, which she did not always + govern with sufficient discernment. + </p> + <p> + If some false principles misled her, how many admirable ones did she not + possess, which never forsook her! By how many virtues did she atone for + her failings! if we can call by that name errors in which the senses had + so little share. The man who in one particular deceived her so + completely, had given her excellent instructions in a thousand others; + and her passions, being far from turbulent, permitted her to follow the + dictates. She ever acted wisely when her sophisms did not intervene, and + her designs were laudable even in her failings. False principles might + lead her to do ill, but she never did anything which she conceived to be + wrong. She abhorred lying and duplicity, was just, equitable, humane, + disinterested, true to her word, her friends, and those duties which she + conceived to be such; incapable of hatred or revenge, and not even + conceiving there was a merit in pardoning; in fine (to return to those + qualities which were less excusable), though she did not properly value, + she never made a vile commerce of her favors; she lavished, but never + sold them, though continually reduced to expedients for a subsistence: + and I dare assert, that if Socrates could esteem Aspasia, he would have + respected Madam de Warrens. + </p> + <p> + I am well aware that ascribing sensibility of heart with coldness of + temperament to the same person, I shall generally, and with great + appearance of reason, be accused of a contradiction. Perhaps Nature + sported or blundered, and this combination ought not to have existed; I + only know it did exist. All those who know Madam de Warrens (a great + number of whom are yet living) have had opportunities of knowing this + was a fact; I dare even aver she had but one pleasure in the world, + which was serving those she loved. Let every one argue on the point as + he pleases, and gravely prove that this cannot be; my business is to + declare the truth, and not to enforce a belief of it. + </p> + <p> + I became acquainted with the particulars I have just related, in those + conversations which succeeded our union, and alone rendered it + delicious. She was right when she concluded her complaisance would be + useful to me; I derived great advantages from it in point of useful + instruction. Hitherto she had used me as a child, she now began to treat + me as a man, and entertain me with accounts of herself. Everything she + said was so interesting, and I was so sensibly touched with it, that, + reasoning with myself, I applied these confidential relations to my own + improvement and received more instruction from them than from her + teaching. When we truly feel that the heart speaks, our own opens to + receive its instructions, nor can all the pompous morality of a + pedagogue have half the effect that is produced by the tender, + affectionate, and artless conversation of a sensible woman on him who + loves her. + </p> + <p> + The intimacy in which I lived with Madam de Warrens, having placed me + more advantageously in her opinion than formerly, she began to think + (notwithstanding my awkward manner) that I deserved cultivation for the + polite world, and that if I could one day show myself there in an + eligible situation, I should soon be able to make my way. In consequence + of this idea, she set about forming not only my judgment, but my + address, endeavoring to render me amiable, as well as estimable; and if + it is true that success in this world is consistent with strict virtue + (which, for my part, I do not believe), I am certain there is no other + road than that she had taken, and wished to point out to me. For Madam + de Warrens knew mankind, and understood exquisitely well the art of + treating all ranks, without falsehood, and without imprudence, neither + deceiving nor provoking them; but this art was rather in her disposition + than her precepts, she knew better how to practise than explain it, and + I was of all the world the least calculated to become master of such an + attainment; accordingly, the means employed for this purpose were nearly + lost labor, as well as the pains she took to procure me a fencing and a + dancing master. + </p> + <p> + Though very well made, I could never learn to dance a minuet; for being + plagued with corns, I had acquired a habit of walking on my heels, which + Roche, the dancing master, could never break me of. It was still worse + at the fencing-school, where, after three months' practice, I made but + very little progress, and could never attempt fencing with any but my + master. My wrist was not supple enough, nor my arm sufficiently firm to + retain the foil, whenever he chose to make it fly out of my hand. Add to + this, I had a mortal aversion both to the art itself and to the person + who undertook to teach it to me, nor should I ever have imagined, that + anyone could have been so proud of the science of sending men out of the + world. To bring this vast genius within the compass of my comprehension, + he explained himself by comparisons drawn from music, which he + understood nothing of. He found striking analogies between a hit in + 'quarte' or 'tierce' with the intervals of music which bears those + names: when he made a feint he cried out, "take care of this 'diesis'," + because anciently they called the 'diesis' a feint: and when he had made + the foil fly from my hand, he would add, with a sneer, that this was a + pause: in a word, I never in my life saw a more insupportable pedant. + </p> + <p> + I made, therefore, but little progress in my exercises, which I + presently quitted from pure disgust; but I succeeded better in an art of + a thousand times more value, namely, that of being content with my + situation, and not desiring one more brilliant, for which I began to be + persuaded that Nature had not designed me. Given up to the endeavor of + rendering Madam de Warrens happy, I was ever best pleased when in her + company, and, notwithstanding my fondness for music, began to grudge the + time I employed in giving lessons to my scholars. + </p> + <p> + I am ignorant whether Anet perceived the full extent of our union; but I + am inclined to think he was no stranger to it. He was a young man of + great penetration, and still greater discretion; who never belied his + sentiments, but did not always speak them: without giving me the least + hint that he was acquainted with our intimacy, he appeared by his + conduct to be so; nor did this moderation proceed from baseness of soul, + but, having entered entirely into the principles of his mistress, he + could not reasonably disapprove of the natural consequences of them. + Though as young as herself, he was so grave and thoughtful, that he + looked on us as two children who required indulgence, and we regarded + him as a respectable man, whose esteem we had to preserve. It was not + until after she was unfaithful to Anet, that I learned the strength of + her attachment to him. She was fully sensible that I only thought, felt, + or lived for her; she let me see, therefore, how much she loved Anet, + that I might love him likewise, and dwell less on her friendship, than + on her esteem, for him, because this was the sentiment that I could most + fully partake of. How often has she affected our hearts and made us + embrace with tears, by assuring us that we were both necessary to her + happiness! Let not women read this with an ill-natured smile; with the + temperament she possessed, this necessity was not equivocal, it was only + that of the heart. + </p> + <p> + Thus there was established, among us three, a union without example, + perhaps, on the face of the earth. All our wishes, our cares, our very + hearts, were for each other, and absolutely confined to this little + circle. The habit of living together, and living exclusively from the + rest of the world, became so strong, that if at our repasts one of the + three was wanting, or a fourth person came in, everything seemed + deranged; and, notwithstanding our particular attachments, even our tete—a-tete + were less agreeable than our reunion. What banished every species of + constraint from our little community, was a lively reciprocal + confidence, and dulness or insipidity could find no place among us, + because we were always fully employed. Madam de Warrens always + projecting, always busy, left us no time for idleness, though, indeed, + we had each sufficient employment on our own account. It is my maxim, + that idleness is as much the pest of society as of solitude. Nothing + more contracts the mind, or engenders more tales, mischief, gossiping, + and lies, than for people to be eternally shut up in the same apartment + together, and reduced, from the want of employment, to the necessity of + an incessant chat. When every one is busy (unless you have really + something to say), you may continue silent; but if you have nothing to + do, you must absolutely speak continually, and this, in my mind, is the + most burdensome and the most dangerous constraint. I will go further, + and maintain, that to render company harmless, as well as agreeable, it + is necessary, not only that they should have something to do, but + something that requires a degree of attention. + </p> + <p> + Knitting, for instance, is absolutely as bad as doing nothing; you must + take as much pains to amuse a woman whose fingers are thus employed, as + if she sat with her arms crossed; but let her embroider, and it is a + different matter; she is then so far busied, that a few intervals of + silence may be borne with. What is most disgusting and ridiculous, + during these intermissions of conversation, is to see, perhaps, a dozen + over-grown fellows, get up, sit down again, walk backwards and forwards, + turn on their heels, play with the chimney ornaments, and rack their + brains to maintain an inexhaustible chain of words: what a charming + occupation! Such people, wherever they go, must be troublesome both to + others and themselves. When I was at Motiers, I used to employ myself in + making laces with my neighbors, and were I again to mix with the world, + I would always carry a cup-and-ball in my pocket; I should sometimes + play with it the whole day, that I might not be constrained to speak + when I had nothing to discourse about; and I am persuaded, that if every + one would do the same, mankind would be less mischievous, their company + would become more rational, and, in my opinion, a vast deal more + agreeable; in a word, let wits laugh if they please, but I maintain, + that the only practical lesson of morality within the reach of the + present age, is that of the cup-and-ball. + </p> + <p> + At Chambery they did not give us the trouble of studying expedients to + avoid weariness, when by ourselves, for a troop of important visitors + gave us too much by their company, to feel any when alone. The annoyance + they formerly gave me had not diminished; all the difference was, that I + now found less opportunity to abandon myself to my dissatisfaction. Poor + Madam de Warrens had not lost her old predilection for schemes and + systems; on the contrary, the more she felt the pressure of her domestic + necessities, the more she endeavored to extricate herself from them by + visionary projects; and, in proportion to the decrease of her present + resources, she contrived to enlarge, in idea, those of the future. + Increase of years only strengthened this folly: as she lost her relish + for the pleasures of the world and youth, she replaced it by an + additional fondness for secrets and projects; her house was never clear + of quacks, contrivers of new manufactures, alchemists, projects of all + kinds and of all descriptions, whose discourses began by a distribution + of millions and concluded by giving you to understand that they were in + want of a crown—piece. No one went from her empty-handed; and what + astonished me most was, how she could so long support such profusion, + without exhausting the source or wearying her creditors. + </p> + <p> + Her principal project at the time I am now speaking of was that of + establishing a Royal Physical Garden at Chambery, with a Demonstrator + attached to it; it will be unnecessary to add for whom this office was + designed. The situation of this city, in the midst of the Alps, was + extremely favorable to botany, and as Madam de Warrens was always for + helping out one project with another, a College of Pharmacy was to be + added, which really would have been a very useful foundation in so poor + a country, where apothecaries are almost the only medical practitioners. + The retreat of the chief physician, Grossi, to Chambery, on the demise + of King Victor, seemed to favor this idea, or perhaps, first suggest it; + however this may be, by flattery and attention she set about managing + Grossi, who, in fact, was not very manageable, being the most caustic + and brutal, for a man who had any pretensions to the quality of a + gentleman, that ever I knew. The reader may judge for himself by two or + three traits of character, which I shall add by way of specimen. + </p> + <p> + He assisted one day at a consultation with some other doctors, and among + the rest, a young gentleman from Annecy, who was physician in ordinary + to the sick person. This young man, being but indifferently taught for a + doctor, was bold enough to differ in opinion from M. Grossi, who only + answered him by asking him when he should return, which way he meant to + take, and what conveyance he should make use of? The other, having + satisfied Grossi in these particulars, asked him if there was anything + he could serve him in? "Nothing, nothing," answered he, "only I shall + place myself at a window in your way, that I may have the pleasure of + seeing an ass ride on horseback." His avarice equalled his riches and + want of feeling. One of his friends wanted to borrow some money of him, + on good security. "My friend," answered he, shaking him by the arm, and + grinding his teeth, "Should St. Peter descend from heaven to borrow ten + pistoles of me, and offer the Trinity as securities, I would not lend + them." One day, being invited to dinner with Count Picon, Governor of + Savoy, who was very religious, he arrived before it was ready, and found + his excellency busy with his devotions, who proposed to him the same + employment; not knowing how to refuse, he knelt down with a frightful + grimace, but had hardly recited two Ave-Marias, when, not being able to + contain himself any longer, he rose hastily, snatched his hat and cane, + and without speaking a word, was making toward the door; Count Picon ran + after him, crying, "Monsieur Grossi! Monsieur Grossi! stop, there's a + most excellent ortolan on the spit for you." "Monsieur le Count," + replied the other, turning his head, "though you should give me a + roasted angel, I would not stay." Such was M. Grossi, whom Madam de + Warrens undertook and succeeded in civilizing. Though his time was very + much occupied, he accustomed himself to come frequently to her house, + conceived a friendship for Anet, seemed to think him intelligent, spoke + of him with esteem, and, what would not have been expected of such a + brute, affected to treat him with respect, wishing to efface the + impressions of the past; for though Anet was no longer on the footing of + a domestic, it was known that he had been one, and nothing less than the + countenance and example of the chief physician was necessary to set an + example of respect which would not otherwise have been paid him. Thus + Claude Anet, with a black coat, a well-dressed wig, a grave, decent + behavior, a circumspect conduct, and a tolerable knowledge in medical + and botanical matters, might reasonably have hoped to fill, with + universal satisfaction, the place of public demonstrator, had the + proposed establishment taken place. Grossi highly approved the plan, and + only waited an opportunity to propose it to the administration, whenever + a return of peace should permit them to think of useful institutions, + and enable them to spare the necessary pecuniary supplies. + </p> + <p> + But this project, whose execution would probably have plunged me into + botanical studies, for which I am inclined to think Nature designed me, + failed through one of those unexpected strokes which frequently + overthrow the best concerted plans. I was destined to become an example + of human misery; and it might be said that Providence, who called me by + degrees to these extraordinary trials, disconcerted every opportunity + that could prevent my encountering them. + </p> + <p> + In an excursion which Anet made to the top of the mountain to seek for + genipi, a scarce plant that grows only on the Alps, and which Monsieur + Grossi had occasion for, unfortunately he heated himself so much, that + he was seized with a pleurisy, which the genipi could not relieve, + though said to be specific in that disorder; and, notwithstanding all + the art of Grossi (who certainly was very skillful), and all the care of + his good mistress and myself, he died the fifth day of his disorder, in + the most cruel agonies. During his illness he had no exhortations but + mine, bestowed with such transports of grief and zeal, that had he been + in a state to understand them, they must have been some consolation to + him. Thus I lost the firmest friend I ever had; a man estimable and + extraordinary; in whom Nature supplied the defects of education, and who + (though in a state of servitude) possessed all the virtues necessary to + form a great man, which, perhaps, he would have shown himself, and been + acknowledged, had he lived to fill the situation he seemed so perfectly + adapted to. + </p> + <p> + The next day I spoke of him to Madam de Warrens with the most sincere + and lively affection; when, suddenly, in the midst of our conversation, + the vile, ungrateful thought occurred, that I should inherit his + wardrobe, and particularly a handsome black coat, which I thought very + becoming. As I thought this, I consequently uttered it; for when with + her, to think and to speak was the same thing. Nothing could have made + her feel more forcibly the loss she had sustained, than this unworthy + and odious observation; disinterestedness and greatness of soul being + qualities that poor Anet had eminently possessed. The generous Madam de + Warrens turned from me, and (without any reply) burst into tears. Dear + and precious tears! your reprehension was fully felt; ye ran into my + very heart, washing from thence even the smallest traces of such + despicable and unworthy sentiments, never to return. + </p> + <p> + This loss caused Madam de Warrens as much inconvenience as sorrow, since + from this moment her affairs were still more deranged. Anet was + extremely exact, and kept everything in order; his vigilance was + universally feared, and this set some bounds to that profusion they were + too apt to run into; even Madam de Warrens, to avoid his censure, kept + her dissipation within bounds; his attachment was not sufficient, she + wished to preserve his esteem, and avoid the just remonstrances he + sometimes took the liberty to make her, by representing that she + squandered the property of others as well as her own. I thought as he + did, nay, I even sometimes expressed myself to the same effect, but had + not an equal ascendancy over her, and my advice did not make the same + impression. On his decease, I was obliged to occupy his place, for which + I had as little inclination as abilities, and therefore filled it ill. I + was not sufficiently careful, and so very timid, that though I + frequently found fault to myself, I saw ill-management without taking + courage to oppose it; besides, though I acquired an equal share of + respect, I had not the same authority. I saw the disorder that + prevailed, trembled at it, sometimes complained, but was never attended + to. I was too young and lively to have any pretensions to the exercise + of reason, and when I would have acted the reformer, Madam de Warrens + calling me her little Mentor, with two or three playful slaps on the + cheek, reduced me to my natural thoughtlessness. Notwithstanding, an + idea of the certain distress in which her ill-regulated expenses, sooner + or later, must necessarily plunge her, made a stronger impression on me + since I had become the inspector of her household, and had a better + opportunity of calculating the inequality that subsisted between her + income and her expenses. I even date from this period the beginning of + that inclination to avarice which I have ever since been sensible of. I + was never foolishly prodigal, except by intervals; but till then I was + never concerned whether I had much or little money. I now began to pay + more attention to this circumstance, taking care of my purse, and + becoming mean from a laudable motive; for I only sought to insure Madam + de Warrens some resources against that catastrophe which I dreaded the + approach of. I feared her creditors would seize her pension or that it + might be discontinued and she reduced to want, when I foolishly imagined + that the trifle I could save might be of essential service to her; but + to accomplish this, it was necessary I should conceal what I meant to + make a reserve of; for it would have been an awkward circumstance, while + she was perpetually driven to expedients, to have her know that I + hoarded money. Accordingly, I sought out some hiding-place, where I laid + up a few louis, resolving to augment this stock from time to time, till + a convenient opportunity to lay it at her feet; but I was so incautious + in the choice of my repositories, that she always discovered them, and, + to convince me that she did so, changed the louis I had concealed for a + larger sum in different pieces of coin. Ashamed of these discoveries, I + brought back to the common purse my little treasure, which she never + failed to lay out in clothes, or other things for my use, such as a + silver hilted sword, watch, etc. Being convinced that I should never + succeed in accumulating money, and that what I could save would furnish + but a very slender resource against the misfortune I dreaded, made me + wish to place myself in such a situation that I might be enabled to + provide for her, whenever she might chance to be reduced to want. + Unhappily, seeking these resources on the side of my inclinations, I + foolishly determined to consider music as my principal dependence; and + ideas of harmony rising in my brain, I imagined, that if placed in a + proper situation to profit by them, I should acquire celebrity, and + presently become a modern Orpheus, whose mystic sounds would attract all + the riches of Peru. + </p> + <p> + As I began to read music tolerably well, the question was, how I should + learn composition? The difficulty lay in meeting with a good master, + for, with the assistance of my Rameau alone, I despaired of ever being + able to accomplish it; and, since the departure of M. le Maitre, there + was nobody in Savoy who understood anything of the principles of + harmony. + </p> + <p> + I am now about to relate another of those inconsequences, which my life + is full of, and which have so frequently carried me directly from my + designs, even when I thought myself immediately within reach of them. + Venture had spoken to me in very high terms of the Abbe Blanchard, who + had taught him composition; a deserving man, possessed of great talents, + who was music-master to the cathedral at Besancon, and is now in that + capacity at the Chapel of Versailles. I therefore determined to go to + Besancon, and take some lessons from the Abbe Blanchard, and the idea + appeared so rational to me, that I soon made Madam de Warrens of the + same opinion, who immediately set about the preparations for my journey, + in the same style of profusion with which all her plans were executed. + Thus this project for preventing a bankruptcy, and repairing in future + the waste of dissipation, began by causing her to expend eight hundred + livres; her ruin being accelerated that I might be put in a condition to + prevent it. Foolish as this conduct may appear, the illusion was + complete on my part, and even on hers, for I was persuaded I should + labor for her emolument, and she thought she was highly promoting mine. + </p> + <p> + I expected to find Venture still at Annecy, and promised myself to + obtain a recommendatory letter from him to the Abbe Blanchard; but he + had left that place, and I was obliged to content myself in the room of + it, with a mass in four parts of his composition, which he had left with + me. With this slender recommendation I set out for Besancon by the way + of Geneva, where I saw my relations; and through Nion, where I saw my + father, who received me in his usual manner, and promised to forward my + portmanteau, which, as I travelled on horseback, came after me. I + arrived at Besancon, and was kindly received by the Abbe Blanchard, who + promised me his instruction, and offered his services in any other + particular. We had just set about our music, when I received a letter + from my father, informing me that my portmanteau had been seized and + confiscated at Rousses, a French barrier on the side of Switzerland. + Alarmed at the news, I employed the acquaintance I had formed at + Besancon, to learn the motive of this confiscation. Being certain there + was nothing contraband among my baggage, I could not conceive on what + pretext it could have been seized on; at length, however, I learned the + rights of the story, which (as it is a very curious one) must not be + omitted. + </p> + <p> + I became acquainted at Chambery with a very worthy old man, from Lyons, + named Monsieur Duvivier, who had been employed at the Visa, under the + regency, and for want of other business, now assisted at the Survey. He + had lived in the polite world, possessed talents, was good-humored, and + understood music. As we both wrote in the same chamber, we preferred + each other's acquaintance to that of the unlicked cubs that surrounded + us. He had some correspondents at Paris, who furnished him with those + little nothings, those daily novelties, which circulate one knows not + why, and die one cares not when, without any one thinking of them longer + than they are heard. As I sometimes took him to dine with Madam de + Warrens, he in some measure treated me with respect, and (wishing to + render himself agreeable) endeavored to make me fond of these trifles, + for which I naturally had such a distaste, that I never in my life read + any of them. Unhappily one of these cursed papers happened to be in the + waistcoat pocket of a new suit, which I had only worn two or three times + to prevent its being seized by the commissioners of the customs. This + paper contained an insipid Jansenist parody on that beautiful scene in + Racine's Mithridates: I had not read ten lines of it, but by + forgetfulness left it in my pocket, and this caused all my necessaries + to be confiscated. The commissioners at the head of the inventory of my + portmanteau, set a most pompous verbal process, in which it was taken + for granted that this most terrible writing came from Geneva for the + sole purpose of being printed and distributed in France, and then ran + into holy invectives against the enemies of God and the Church, and + praised the pious vigilance of those who had prevented the execution of + these most infernal machinations. They doubtless found also that my + spirits smelt of heresy, for on the strength of this dreadful paper, + they were all seized, and from that time I never received any account of + my unfortunate portmanteau. The revenue officers whom I applied to for + this purpose required so many instructions, informations, certificates, + memorials, etc., etc., that, lost a thousand times in the perplexing + labyrinth, I was glad to abandon them entirely. I feel a real regret for + not having preserved this verbal process from the office of Rousses, for + it was a piece calculated to hold a distinguished rank in the collection + which is to accompany this Work. + </p> + <p> + The loss of my necessities immediately brought me back to Chambery, + without having learned anything of the Abbe Blanchard. Reasoning with + myself on the events of this journey, and seeing that misfortunes + attended all my enterprises, I resolved to attach myself entirely to + Madam de Warrens, to share her fortune, and distress myself no longer + about future events, which I could not regulate. She received me as if I + had brought back treasures, replaced by degrees my little wardrobe, and + though this misfortune fell heavy enough on us both, it was forgotten + almost as suddenly as it arrived. + </p> + <p> + Though this mischance had rather dampened my musical ardor, I did not + leave off studying my Rameau, and, by repeated efforts, was at length + able to understand it, and to make some little attempts at composition, + the success of which encouraged me to proceed. The Count de Bellegrade, + son of the Marquis of Antremont, had returned from Dresden after the + death of King Augustus. Having long resided at Paris, he was fond of + music, and particularly that of Rameau. His brother, the Count of + Nangis, played on the violin; the Countess la Tour, their sister, sung + tolerably: this rendered music the fashion at Chambery, and a kind of + public concert was established there, the direction of which was at + first designed for me, but they soon discovered I was not competent to + the undertaking, and it was otherwise arranged. Notwithstanding this, I + continued writing a number of little pieces, in my own way, and, among + others, a cantata, which gained great approbation; it could not, indeed, + be called a finished piece, but the airs were written in a style of + novelty, and produced a good effect, which was not expected from me. + These gentlemen could not believe that, reading music so indifferently, + it was possible I should compose any that was passable, and made no + doubt that I had taken to myself the credit of some other person's + labors. Monsieur de Nangis, wishing to be assured of this, called on me + one morning with a cantata of Clerambault's which he had transposed as + he said, to suit his voice, and to which another bass was necessary, the + transposition having rendered that of Clerambault impracticable. I + answered, it required considerable labor, and could not be done on the + spot. Being convinced I only sought an excuse, he pressed me to write at + least the bass to a recitative: I did so, not well, doubtless, because + to attempt anything with success I must have both time and freedom, but + I did it at least according to rule, and he being present, could not + doubt but I understood the elements of composition. I did not, + therefore, lose my scholars, though it hurt my pride that there should + be a concert at Chambery in which I was not necessary. + </p> + <p> + About this time, peace being concluded, the French army repassed the + Alps. Several officers came to visit Madam de Warrens, and among others + the Count de Lautrec, Colonel of the regiment of Orleans, since + Plenipotentiary of Geneva, and afterwards Marshal of France, to whom she + presented me. On her recommendation, he appeared to interest himself + greatly in my behalf, promising a great deal, which he never remembered + till the last year of his life, when I no longer stood in need of his + assistance. The young Marquis of Sennecterre, whose father was then + ambassador at Turin, passed through Chambery at the same time, and dined + one day at M. de Menthon's, when I happened to be among the guests. + After dinner; the discourse turned on music, which the marquis + understood extremely well. The opera of 'Jephtha' was then new; he + mentioned this piece, it was brought him, and he made me tremble by + proposing to execute it between us. He opened the book at that + celebrated double chorus, + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + La Terra, l'Enfer, le Ciel meme, <br /> Tout tremble devant le + Seigneur! + </p> + <p> + [The Earth, and Hell, and Heaven itself, <br /> tremble before the + Lord!] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + He said, "How many parts will you take? I will do these six." I had not + yet been accustomed to this trait of French vivacity, and though + acquainted with divisions, could not comprehend how one man could + undertake to perform six, or even two parts at the same time. Nothing + has cost me more trouble in music than to skip lightly from one part to + another, and have the eye at once on a whole division. By the manner in + which I evaded this trial, he must have been inclined to believe I did + not understand music, and perhaps it was to satisfy himself in this + particular that he proposed my noting a song for Mademoiselle de + Menthon, in such a manner that I could not avoid it. He sang this song, + and I wrote from his voice, without giving him much trouble to repeat + it. When finished he read my performance, and said (which was very true) + that it was very correctly noted. He had observed my embarrassment, and + now seemed to enhance the merit of this little success. In reality, I + then understood music very well, and only wanted that quickness at first + sight which I possess in no one particular, and which is only to be + acquired in this art by long and constant practice. Be that as it may, I + was fully sensible of his kindness in endeavoring to efface from the + minds of others, and even from my own, the embarrassment I had + experienced on this occasion. Twelve or fifteen years afterwards, + meeting this gentleman at several houses in Paris, I was tempted to make + him recollect this anecdote, and show him I still remembered it; but he + had lost his sight since that time; I feared to give him pain by + recalling to his memory how useful it formerly had been to him, and was + therefore silent on that subject. + </p> + <p> + I now touch on the moment that binds my past existence to the present, + some friendships of that period, prolonged to the present time, being + very dear to me, have frequently made me regret that happy obscurity, + when those who called themselves my friends were really so; loved me for + myself, through pure good will, and not from the vanity of being + acquainted with a conspicuous character, perhaps for the secret purpose + of finding more occasions to injure him. + </p> + <p> + From this time I date my first acquaintance with my old friend + Gauffecourt, who, notwithstanding every effort to disunite us, has still + remained so.—Still remained so!—No, alas! I have just lost + him!—but his affection terminated only with his life—death + alone could put a period to our friendship. Monsieur de Gauffecourt was + one of the most amiable men that ever existed; it was impossible to see + him without affection, or to live with him without feeling a sincere + attachment. In my life I never saw features more expressive of goodness + and serenity, or that marked more feeling, more understanding, or + inspired greater confidence. However reserved one might be, it was + impossible even at first sight to avoid being as free with him as if he + had been an acquaintance of twenty years; for myself, who find so much + difficulty to be at ease among new faces, I was familiar with him in a + moment. His manner, accent, and conversation, perfectly suited his + features: the sound of his voice was clear, full and musical; it was an + agreeable and expressive bass, which satisfied the ear, and sounded full + upon the heart. It was impossible to possess a more equal and pleasing + vivacity, or more real and unaffected gracefulness, more natural + talents, or cultivated with greater taste; join to all these good + qualities an affectionate heart, but loving rather too diffusively, and + bestowing his favors with too little caution; serving his friends with + zeal, or rather making himself the friend of every one he could serve, + yet contriving very dexterously to manage his own affairs, while warmly + pursuing the interests of others. + </p> + <p> + Gauffecourt was the son of a clock-maker, and would have been a + clock-maker himself had not his person and desert called him to a + superior situation. He became acquainted with M. de la Closure, the + French Resident at Geneva, who conceived a friendship for him, and + procured him some connections at Paris, which were useful, and through + whose influence he obtained the privilege of furnishing the salts of + Valais, which was worth twenty thousand livres a year. This very amply + satisfied his wishes with respect to fortune, but with regard to women + he was more difficult; he had to provide for his own happiness, and did + what he supposed most conducive to it. What renders his character most + remarkable, and does him the greatest honor, is, that though connected + with all conditions, he was universally esteemed and sought after + without being envied or hated by any one, and I really believe he passed + through life without a single enemy.—Happy man! + </p> + <p> + He went every year to the baths of Aix, where the best company from the + neighboring countries resorted, and being on terms of friendship with + all the nobility of Savoy, came from Aix to Chambery to see the young + Count de Bellegarde and his father the Marquis of Antremont. It was here + Madam de Warrens introduced me to him, and this acquaintance, which + appeared at that time to end in nothing, after many years had elapsed, + was renewed on an occasion which I should relate, when it became a real + friendship. I apprehend I am sufficiently authorized in speaking of a + man to whom I was so firmly attached, but I had no personal interest in + what concerned him; he was so truly amiable, and born with so many + natural good qualities that, for the honor of human nature, I should + think it necessary to preserve his memory. This man, estimable as he + certainly was, had, like other mortals, some failings, as will be seen + hereafter; perhaps had it not been so, he would have been less amiable, + since, to render him as interesting as possible, it was necessary he + should sometimes act in such a manner as to require a small portion of + indulgence. + </p> + <p> + Another connection of the same time, that is not yet extinguished, and + continues to flatter me with the idea of temporal happiness, which it is + so difficult to obliterate from the human heart, is Monsieur de Conzie, + a Savoyard gentleman, then young and amiable, who had a fancy to learn + music, or rather to be acquainted with the person who taught it. With + great understanding and taste for polite acquirements, M. de Conzie + possessed a mildness of disposition which rendered him extremely + attractive, and my temper being somewhat similar, when it found a + counterpart, our friendship was soon formed. The seeds of literature and + philosophy, which began to ferment in my brain, and only waited for + culture and emulation to spring up, found in him exactly what was + wanting to render them prolific. M. de Conzie had no great inclination + to music, and even this was useful to me, for the hours destined for + lessons were passed anyhow rather than musically; we breakfasted, + chatted, and read new publications, but not a word of music. + </p> + <p> + The correspondence between Voltaire and the Prince Royal of Prussia, + then made a noise in the world, and these celebrated men were frequently + the subject of our conversation, one of whom recently seated on a + throne, already indicated what he would prove himself hereafter, while + the other, as much disgraced as he is now admired, made us sincerely + lament the misfortunes that seemed to pursue him, and which are so + frequently the appendage of superior talents. The Prince of Prussia had + not been happy in his youth, and it appeared that Voltaire was formed + never to be so. The interest we took in both parties extended to all + that concerned them, and nothing that Voltaire wrote escaped us. The + inclination I felt for these performances inspired me with a desire to + write elegantly, and caused me to endeavor to imitate the colorings of + that author, with whom I was so much enchanted. Some time after, his + philosophical letters (though certainly not his best work) greatly + augmented my fondness for study; it was a rising inclination, which, + from that time, has never been extinguished. + </p> + <p> + But the moment was not yet arrived when I should give into it entirely; + my rambling disposition (rather contracted than eradicated) being kept + alive by our manner of living at Madam de Warrens, which was too + unsettled for one of my solitary temper. The crowd of strangers who + daily swarmed about her from all parts, and the certainty I was in that + these people sought only to dupe her, each in his particular mode, + rendered home disagreeable. Since I had succeeded Anet in the confidence + of his mistress, I had strictly examined her circumstances, and saw + their evil tendency with horror. I had remonstrated a hundred times, + prayed, argued, conjured, but all to no purpose. I had thrown myself at + her feet, and strongly represented the catastrophe that threatened her, + had earnestly entreated that she would reform her expenses, and begin + with myself, representing that it was better to suffer something while + she was yet young, than by multiplying her debts and creditors, expose + her old age to vexation and misery. + </p> + <p> + Sensible of the sincerity of my zeal, she was frequently affected, and + would then make the finest promises in the world: but only let an artful + schemer arrive, and in an instant all her good resolutions were + forgotten. After a thousand proofs of the inefficacy of my + remonstrances, what remained but to turn away my eyes from the ruin I + could not prevent; and fly myself from the door I could not guard! I + made therefore little journeys to Geneva and Lyons, which diverted my + mind in some measure from this secret uneasiness, though it increased + the cause by these additional expenses. I can truly aver that I should + have acquiesed with pleasure in every retrenchment, had Madam de Warrens + really profited by it, but being persuaded that what I might refuse + myself would be distributed among a set of interested villains, I took + advantage of her easiness to partake with them, and, like the dog + returning from the shambles, carried off a portion of that morsel which + I could not protect. + </p> + <p> + Pretences were not wanting for all these journeys; even Madam de Warrens + would alone have supplied me with more than were necessary, having + plenty of connections, negotiations, affairs, and commissions, which she + wished to have executed by some trusty hand. In these cases she usually + applied to me; I was always willing to go, and consequently found + occasions enough to furnish out a rambling kind of life. These + excursions procured me some good connections, which have since been + agreeable or useful to me. Among others, I met at Lyons, with M. + Perrichon, whose friendship I accuse myself with not having sufficiently + cultivated, considering the kindness he had for me; and that of the good + Parisot, which I shall speak of in its place, at Grenoble, that of Madam + Deybens and Madam la Presidente de Bardonanche, a woman of great + understanding, and who would have entertained a friendship for me had it + been in my power to have seen her oftener; at Geneva, that of M. de + Closure, the French Resident, who often spoke to me of my mother, the + remembrance of whom neither death nor time had erased from his heart; + likewise those of the two Barillots, the father, who was very amiable, a + good companion, and one of the most worthy men I ever met, calling me + his grandson. During the troubles of the republic, these two citizens + took contrary sides, the son siding with the people, the father with the + magistrates. When they took up arms in 1737, I was at Geneva, and saw + the father and son quit the same house armed, the one going to the + townhouse, the other to his quarters, almost certain to meet face to + face in the course of two hours, and prepared to give or receive death + from each other. This unnatural sight made so lively an impression on + me, that I solemnly vowed never to interfere in any civil war, nor + assist in deciding our internal dispute by arms, either personally or by + my influence, should I ever enter into my rights as a citizen. I can + bring proofs of having kept this oath on a very delicate occasion, and + it will be confessed (at least I should suppose so) that this moderation + was of some worth. + </p> + <p> + But I had not yet arrived at that fermentation of patriotism which the + first sight of Geneva in arms has since excited in my heart, as may be + conjectured by a very grave fact that will not tell to my advantage, + which I forgot to put in its proper place, but which ought not to be + omitted. + </p> + <p> + My uncle Bernard died at Carolina, where he had been employed some years + in the building of Charles Town, which he had formed the plan of. My + poor cousin, too, died in the Prussian service; thus my aunt lost, + nearly at the same period, her son and husband. These losses reanimated + in some measure her affection for the nearest relative she had + remaining, which was myself. When I went to Geneva, I reckoned her house + my home, and amused myself with rummaging and turning over the books and + papers my uncle had left. Among them I found some curious ones, and some + letters which they certainly little thought of. My aunt, who set no + store by these dusty papers, would willingly have given the whole to me, + but I contented myself with two or three books, with notes written by + the Minister Bernard, my grandfather, and among the rest, the posthumous + works of Rohault in quarto, the margins of which were full of excellent + commentaries, which gave me an inclination to the mathematics. This book + remained among those of Madam de Warrens, and I have since lamented that + I did not preserve it. To these I added five or six memorials in + manuscript, and a printed one, composed by the famous Micheli Ducret, a + man of considerable talents, being both learned and enlightened, but too + much, perhaps, inclined to sedition, for which he was cruelly treated by + the magistrates of Geneva, and lately died in the fortress of Arberg, + where he had been confined many years, for being, as it was said, + concerned in the conspiracy of Berne. + </p> + <p> + This memorial was a judicious critique on the extensive but ridiculous + plan of fortification, which had been adopted at Geneva, though censured + by every person of judgment in the art, who was unacquainted with the + secret motives of the council, in the execution of this magnificent + enterprise. Monsieur de Micheli, who had been excluded from the + committee of fortification for having condemned this plan, thought that, + as a citizen, and a member of the two hundred, he might give his advice, + at large, and therefore, did so in this memorial, which he was imprudent + enough to have printed, though he never published it, having only those + copies struck off which were meant for the two hundred, and which were + all intercepted at the post-house by order of the Senate. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [The grand council of Geneva in December, 1728, pronounced this paper + highly disrespectful to the councils, and injurious to the committee + of fortification.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + I found this memorial among my uncle's papers, with the answer he had + been ordered to make to it, and took both. This was soon after I had + left my place at the survey, and I yet remained on good terms with the + Counsellor de Coccelli, who had the management of it. Some time after, + the director of the custom-house entreated me to stand godfather to his + child, with Madam Coccelli, who was to be godmother: proud of being + placed on such terms of equality with the counsellor, I wished to assume + importance, and show myself worthy of that honor. + </p> + <p> + Full of this idea, I thought I could do nothing better than show him + Micheli's memorial, which was really a scarce piece, and would prove I + was connected with people of consequence in Geneva, who were intrusted + with the secrets of the state, yet by a kind of reserve which I should + find it difficult to account for, I did not show him my uncle's answer, + perhaps, because it was manuscript, and nothing less than print was + worthy to approach the counsellor. He understood, however, so well the + importance of this paper, which I had the folly to put into his hands, + that I could never after get it into my possession, and being convinced + that every effort for that purpose would be ineffectual, I made a merit + of my forbearance, transforming the theft into a present. I made no + doubt that this writing (more curious, however, than useful) answered + his purpose at the court of Turin, where probably he took care to be + reimbursed in some way or other for the expense which the acquisition of + it might be supposed to have cost him. Happily, of all future + contingencies, the least probable, is, that ever the King of Sardina + should besiege Geneva, but as that event is not absolutely impossible, I + shall ever reproach my foolish vanity with having been the means of + pointing out the greatest defects of that city to its most ancient + enemy. + </p> + <p> + I passed three or four years in this manner, between music, magestry, + projects, and journeys, floating incessantly from one object to another, + and wishing to fix though I knew not on what, but insensibly inclining + towards study. I was acquainted with men of letters, I had heard them + speak of literature, and sometimes mingled in the conversation, yet + rather adopted the jargon of books, than the knowledge they contained. + In my excursions to Geneva, I frequently called on my good old friend + Monsieur Simon, who greatly promoted my rising emulation by fresh news + from the republic of letters, extracted from Baillet on Colomies. I + frequently saw too, at Chambery, a Dominican professor of physic, a good + kind of friar, whose name I have forgotten, who often made little + chemical experiments which greatly amused me. In imitation of him, I + attempted to make some sympathetic ink, and having for that purpose more + than half filled a bottle with quicklime, orpiment, and water, the + effervescence immediately became extremely violent; I ran to unstop the + bottle, but had not time to effect it, for, during the attempt, it burst + in my face like a bomb, and I swallowed so much of the orpiment and + lime, that it nearly cost me my life. I remained blind for six weeks, + and by the event of this experiment learned to meddle no more with + experimental Chemistry while the elements were unknown to me. + </p> + <p> + This adventure happened very unluckily for my health, which, for some + time past, had been visibly on the decline. This was rather + extraordinary, as I was guilty of no kind of excess; nor could it have + been expected from my make, for my chest, being well formed and rather + capacious, seemed to give my lungs full liberty to play; yet I was short + breathed, felt a very sensible oppression, sighed involuntarily, had + palpitations of the heart, and spitting of blood, accompanied with a + lingering fever, which I have never since entirely overcome. How is it + possible to fall into such a state in the flower of one's age, without + any inward decay, or without having done anything to destroy health? + </p> + <p> + It is sometimes said, "the sword wears the scabbard," this was truly the + case with me: the violence of my passions both kept me alive and + hastened my dissolution. What passions? will be asked: mere nothings: + the most trivial objects in nature, but which affected me as forcibly as + if the acquisition of a Helen, or the throne of the universe were at + stake. My senses, for instance, were at ease with one woman, but my + heart never was, and the necessities of love consumed me in the very + bosom of happiness. I had a tender, respected and lovely friend, but I + sighed for a mistress; my prolific fancy painted her as such, and gave + her a thousand forms, for had I conceived that my endearments had been + lavished on Madam de Warrens, they would not have been less tender, + though infinitely more tranquil. But is it possible for man to taste, in + their utmost extent, the delights of love? I cannot tell, but I am + persuaded my frail existence would have sunk under the weight of them. + </p> + <p> + I was, therefore, dying for love without an object, and this state, + perhaps, is, of all others, the most dangerous. I was likewise uneasy, + tormented at the bad state of poor Madam de Warrens' circumstances, and + the imprudence of her conduct, which could not fail to bring them, in a + short time, to total ruin. My tortured imagination (which ever paints + misfortunes in the extremity) continually beheld this in its utmost + excess, and in all the horror of its consequences. I already saw myself + forced by want to quit her—to whom I had consecrated my future + life, and without whom I could not hope for happiness: thus was my soul + continually agitated, and hopes and fears devoured me alternately. + </p> + <p> + Music was a passion less turbulent, but not less consuming, from the + ardor with which I attached myself to it, by the obstinate study of the + obscure books of Rameau; by an invincible resolution to charge my memory + with rules it could not contain; by continual application, and by long + and immense compilations which I frequently passed whole nights in + copying: but why dwell on these particularly, while every folly that + took possession of my wandering brain, the most transient ideas of a + single day, a journey, a concert, a supper, a walk, a novel to read, a + play to see, things in the world the least premeditated in my pleasures + or occupation became for me the most violent passions, which by their + ridiculous impetuosity conveyed the most serious torments; even the + imaginary misfortunes of Cleveland, read with avidity and frequent + interruption, have, I am persuaded, disordered me more than my own. + </p> + <p> + There was a Genevese, named Bagueret, who had been employed under Peter + the Great, of the court of Russia, one of the most worthless, senseless + fellows I ever met with; full of projects as foolish as himself, which + were to rain down millions on those who took part in them. This man, + having come to Chambery on account of some suit depending before the + senate, immediately got acquainted with Madam de Warrens, and with great + reason on his side, since for those imaginary treasures that cost him + nothing, and which he bestowed with the utmost prodigality, he gained, + in exchange, the unfortunate crown pieces one by one out of her pocket. + I did not like him, and he plainly perceived this, for with me it is not + a very difficult discovery, nor did he spare any sort of meanness to + gain my good will, and among other things proposed teaching me to play + at chess, which game he understood something of. I made an attempt, + though almost against my inclination, and after several efforts, having + learned the march, my progress was so rapid, that before the end of the + first sitting I gave him the rook, which in the beginning he had given + me. Nothing more was necessary; behold me fascinated with chess! I buy a + board, with the rest of the apparatus, and shutting myself up in my + chamber, pass whole days and nights in studying all the varieties of the + game, being determined by playing alone, without end or relaxation, to + drive them into my head, right or wrong. After incredible efforts, + during two or three months passed in this curious employment, I go to + the coffee-house, thin, sallow, and almost stupid; I seat myself, and + again attack M. Bagueret: he beats me, once, twice, twenty times; so + many combinations were fermenting in my head, and my imagination was so + stupefied, that all appeared confusion. I tried to exercise myself with + Phitidor's or Stamina's book of instructions, but I was still equally + perplexed, and, after having exhausted myself with fatigue, was further + to seek than ever, and whether I abandoned my chess for a time, or + resolved to surmount every difficulty by unremitted practice, it was the + same thing. I could never advance one step beyond the improvement of the + first sitting, nay, I am convinced that had I studied it a thousand + ages, I should have ended by being able to give Bagueret the rook and + nothing more. + </p> + <p> + It will be said my time was well employed, and not a little of it passed + in this occupation, nor did I quit my first essay till unable to persist + in it, for on leaving my apartment I had the appearance of a corpse, and + had I continued this course much longer I should certainly have been + one. + </p> + <p> + Any one will allow that it would have been extraordinary, especially in + the ardor of youth, that such a head should suffer the body to enjoy + continued health; the alteration of mine had an effect on my temper, + moderating the ardor of my chimerical fancies, for as I grew weaker they + became more tranquil, and I even lost, in some measure, my rage for + travelling. I was not seized with heaviness, but melancholy; vapors + succeeded passions, languor became sorrow: I wept and sighed without + cause, and felt my life ebbing away before I had enjoyed it. I only + trembled to think of the situation in which I should leave my dear Madam + de Warrens; and I can truly say, that quitting her, and leaving her in + these melancholy circumstances, was my only concern. At length I fell + quite ill, and was nursed by her as never mother nursed a child. The + care she took of me was of real utility to her affairs, since it + diverted her mind from schemes, and kept projectors at a distance. How + pleasing would death have been at that time, when, if I had not tasted + many of the pleasures of life, I had felt but few of its misfortunes. My + tranquil soul would have taken her flight, without having experienced + those cruel ideas of the injustice of mankind which embitters both life + and death. I should have enjoyed the sweet consolation that I still + survived in the dearer part of myself: in the situation I then was, it + could hardly be called death; and had I been divested of my uneasiness + on her account, it would have appeared but a gentle sleep; yet even + these disquietudes had such an affectionate and tender turn, that their + bitterness was tempered by a pleasing sensibility. I said to her, "You + are the depository of my whole being, act so that I may be happy." Two + or three times, when my disorder was most violent, I crept to her + apartment to give her my advice respecting her future conduct; and I + dare affirm these admonitions were both wise and equitable, in which the + interest I took in her future concerns was strongly marked. As if tears + had been both nourishment and medicine, I found myself the better for + those I shed with her, while seated on her bed-side, and holding her + hands between mine. The hours crept insensibly away in these nocturnal + discourses; I returned to my chamber better than I had quitted it, being + content and calmed by the promises she made, and the hopes with which + she had inspired me: I slept on them with my heart at peace, and fully + resigned to the dispensations of Providence. God grant, that after + having had so many reasons to hate life, after being agitated with so + many storms, after it has even become a burden, that death, which must + terminate all, may be no more terrible than it would have been at that + moment! + </p> + <p> + By inconceivable care and vigilance, she saved my life; and I am + convinced she alone could have done this. I have little faith in the + skill of physicians, but depend greatly on the assistance of real + friends, and am persuaded that being easy in those particulars on which + our happiness depends, is more salutary than any other application. If + there is a sensation in life peculiarly delightful, we experienced it in + being restored to each other; our mutual attachment did not increase, + for that was impossible, but it became, I know not how, more exquisitely + tender, fresh softness being added to its former simplicity. I became in + a manner her work; we got into the habit, though without design, of + being continually with each other, and enjoying, in some measure, our + whole existence together, feeling reciprocally that we were not only + necessary, but entirely sufficient for each other's happiness. + Accustomed to think of no subject foreign to ourselves, our happiness + and all our desires were confined to that pleasing and singular union, + which, perhaps, had no equal, which is not, as I have before observed, + love, but a sentiment inexpressibly more intimate, neither depending on + the senses, age, nor figure, but an assemblage of every endearing + sensation that composes our rational existence and which can cease only + with our being. + </p> + <p> + How was it that this delightful crisis did not secure our mutual + felicity for the remainder of her life and mine? I have the consoling + conviction that it was not my fault; nay, I am persuaded, she did not + wilfully destroy it; the invincible peculiarity of my disposition was + doomed soon to regain its empire; but this fatal return was not suddenly + accomplished, there was, thank Heaven, a short but precious interval, + that did not conclude by my fault, and which I cannot reproach myself + with having employed amiss. + </p> + <p> + Though recovered from my dangerous illness, I did not regain my + strength; my stomach was weak, some remains of the fever kept me in a + languishing condition, and the only inclination I was sensible of, was + to end my days near one so truly dear to me; to confirm her in those + good resolutions she had formed; to convince her in what consisted the + real charms of a happy life, and, as far as depended on me, to render + hers so; but I foresaw that in a gloomy, melancholy house, the continual + solitude of our tete-a-tetes would at length become too dull and + monotonous: a remedy presented itself: Madam de Warrens had prescribed + milk for me, and insisted that I should take it in the country; I + consented, provided she would accompany me; nothing more was necessary + to gain her compliance, and whither we should go was all that remained + to be determined on. Our garden (which I have before mentioned) was not + properly in the country, being surrounded by houses and other gardens, + and possessing none of those attractions so desirable in a rural + retreat; besides, after the death of Anet, we had given up this place + from economical principles, feeling no longer a desire to rear plants, + and other views making us not regret the loss of that little retreat. + Improving the distaste I found she began to imbibe for the town, I + proposed to abandon it entirely, and settle ourselves in an agreeable + solitude, in some small house, distant enough from the city to avoid the + perpetual intrusion of her hangers-on. She followed my advice, and this + plan, which her good angel and mine suggested, might fully have secured + our happiness and tranquility till death had divided us—but this + was not the state we were appointed to; Madam de Warrens was destined to + endure all the sorrows of indigence and poverty, after having passed the + former part of her life in abundance, that she might learn to quit it + with the less regret; and myself, by an assemblage of misfortunes of all + kinds, was to become a striking example to those who, inspired with a + love of justice and the public good, and trusting too implicitly to + their own innocence, shall openly dare to assert truth to mankind, + unsupported by cabals, or without having previously formed parties to + protect them. + </p> + <p> + An unhappy fear furnished some objections to our plan: she did not dare + to quit her ill-contrived house, for fear of displeasing the proprietor. + "Your proposed retirement is charming," said she, "and much to my taste, + but we are necessitated to remain here, for, on quitting this dungeon, I + hazard losing the very means of life, and when these fail us in the + woods, we must again return to seek them in the city. That we may have + the least possible cause for being reduced to this necessity, let us not + leave this house entirely, but pay a small pension to the Count of + Saint-Laurent, that he may continue mine. Let us seek some little + habitation, far enough from the town to be at peace, yet near enough to + return when it may appear convenient." + </p> + <p> + This mode was finally adopted; and after some small search, we fixed at + Charmettes, on an estate belonging to M. de Conzie, at a very small + distance from Chambery; but as retired and solitary as if it had been a + hundred leagues off. The spot we had concluded on was a valley between + two tolerably high hills, which ran north and south; at the bottom, + among the trees and pebbles, ran a rivulet, and above the declivity, on + either side, were scattered a number of houses, forming altogether a + beautiful retreat for those who love a peaceful romantic asylum. After + having examined two or three of these houses, we chose that which we + thought the most pleasing, which was the property of a gentleman of the + army, called M. Noiret. This house was in good condition, before it a + garden, forming a terrace; below that on the declivity an orchard, and + on the ascent, behind the house, a vineyard: a little wood of chestnut + trees opposite; a fountain just by, and higher up the hill, meadows for + the cattle; in short, all that could be thought necessary for the + country retirement we proposed to establish. To the best of my + remembrance, we took possession of it toward the latter end of the + summer Of 1736. I was delighted on going to sleep there—"Oh!" said + I, to this dear friend, embracing her with tears of tenderness and + delight, "this is the abode of happiness and innocence; if we do not + find them here together it will be in vain to seek them elsewhere." + </p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> <a name="link6"></a><br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK VI. + </h1> + <blockquote> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Hoc erat in votis: Modus agri non ila magnus + Hortus ubi, et leclo vicinus aqua fons; + Et paululum sylvae superhis forel. + +</pre> + </blockquote> + <p> + I cannot add, 'auctius acque di melius fecere'; but no matter, the + former is enough for my purpose; I had no occasion to have any property + there, it was sufficient that I enjoyed it; for I have long since both + said and felt, that the proprietor and possessor are two very different + people, even leaving husbands and lovers out of the question. + </p> + <p> + At this moment began the short happiness of my life, those peaceful and + rapid moments, which have given me a right to say, I have lived. + Precious and ever—regretted moments! Ah! recommence your + delightful course; pass more slowly through my memory, if possible, than + you actually did in your fugitive succession. How shall I prolong, + according to my inclination, this recital at once so pleasing and + simple? How shall I continue to relate the same occurrences, without + wearying my readers with the repetition, any more than I was satiated + with the enjoyment? Again, if all this consisted of facts, actions, or + words, I could somehow or other convey an idea of it; but how shall I + describe what was neither said nor done, nor even thought, but enjoyed, + felt, without being able to particularize any other object of my + happiness than the bare idea? I rose with the sun, and was happy; I + walked, and was happy; I saw Madam de Warrens, and was happy; I quitted + her, and still was happy!—Whether I rambled through the woods, + over the hills, or strolled along the valley; read, was idle, worked in + the garden, or gathered fruits, happiness continually accompanied me; it + was fixed on no particular object, it was within me, nor could I depart + from it a single moment. + </p> + <p> + Nothing that passed during that charming epocha, nothing that I did, + said, or thought, has escaped my memory. The time that preceded or + followed it, I only recollect by intervals, unequally and confused; but + here I remember all as distinctly as if it existed at this moment. + Imagination, which in my youth was perpetually anticipating the future, + but now takes a retrograde course, makes some amends by these charming + recollections for the deprivation of hope, which I have lost forever. I + no longer see anything in the future that can tempt my wishes, it is a + recollection of the past alone that can flatter me, and the remembrance + of the period I am now describing is so true and lively, that it + sometimes makes me happy, even in spite of my misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + Of these recollections I shall relate one example, which may give some + idea of their force and precision. The first day we went to sleep at + Charmettes, the way being up-hill, and Madam de Warrens rather heavy, + she was carried in a chair, while I followed on foot. Fearing the + chairmen would be fatigued, she got out about half-way, designing to + walk the rest of it. As we passed along, she saw something blue in the + hedge, and said, "There's some periwinkle in flower yet!" I had never + seen any before, nor did I stop to examine this: my sight is too short + to distinguish plants on the ground, and I only cast a look at this as I + passed: an interval of near thirty years had elapsed before I saw any + more periwinkle, at least before I observed it, when being at Cressier + in 1764, with my friend, M. du Peyrou, we went up a small mountain, on + the summit of which there is a level spot, called, with reason, 'Belle—vue', + I was then beginning to herbalize;—walking and looking among the + bushes, I exclaimed with rapture, "Ah, there's some periwinkle!" Du + Peyrou, who perceived my transport, was ignorant of the cause, but will + some day be informed: I hope, on reading this. The reader may judge by + this impression, made by so small an incident, what an effect must have + been produced by every occurrence of that time. + </p> + <p> + Meantime, the air of the country did not restore my health; I was + languishing and became more so; I could not endure milk, and was obliged + to discontinue the use of it. Water was at this time the fashionable + remedy for every complaint; accordingly I entered on a course of it, and + so indiscreetly, that it almost released me, not only from my illness + but also from my life. The water I drank was rather hard and difficult + to pass, as water from mountains generally is; in short, I managed so + well, that in the coarse of two months I totally ruined my stomach, + which until that time had been very good, and no longer digesting + anything properly, had no reason to expect a cure. At this time an + accident happened, as singular in itself as in its subsequent + consequences, which can only terminate with my existence. + </p> + <p> + One morning, being no worse than usual, while putting up the leaf of a + small table, I felt a sudden and almost inconceivable revolution + throughout my whole frame. I know not how to describe it better than as + a kind of tempest, which suddenly rose in my blood, and spread in a + moment over every part of my body. My arteries began beating so + violently that I not only felt their motion, but even heard it, + particularly that of the carotids, attended by a loud noise in my ears, + which was of three, or rather four, distinct kinds. For instance, first + a grave hollow buzzing; then a more distinct murmur, like the running of + water; then an extremely sharp hissing, attended by the beating I before + mentioned, and whose throbs I could easily count, without feeling my + pulse, or putting a hand to any part of my body. This internal tumult + was so violent that it has injured my auricular organs, and rendered me, + from that time, not entirely deaf, but hard of hearing. + </p> + <p> + My surprise and fear may easily be conceived; imagining it was the + stroke of death, I went to bed, and the physician being sent for, + trembling with apprehension, I related my case; judging it past all + cure. I believe the doctor was of the same opinion; however he performed + his office, running over a long string of causes and effects beyond my + comprehension, after which, in consequence of this sublime theory, he + set about, 'in anima vili', the experimental part of his art, but the + means he was pleased to adopt in order to effect a cure were so + troublesome, disgusting, and followed by so little effect, that I soon + discontinued it, and after some weeks, finding I was neither better nor + worse, left my bed, and returned to my usual method of living; but the + beating of my arteries and the buzzing in my ears has never quitted me a + moment during the thirty years' time which has elapsed since that time. + </p> + <p> + Till now, I had been a great sleeper, but a total privation of repose, + with other alarming symptoms which have accompanied it, even to this + time, persuaded me I had but a short time to live. This idea + tranquillized me for a time: I became less anxious about a cure, and + being persuaded I could not prolong life, determined to employ the + remainder of it as usefully as possible. This was practicable by a + particular indulgence of Nature, which, in this melancholy state, + exempted me from sufferings which it might have been supposed I should + have experienced. I was incommoded by the noise, but felt no pain, nor + was it accompanied by any habitual inconvenience, except nocturnal + wakefulness, and at all times a shortness of breath, which is not + violent enough to be called an asthma, but was troublesome when I + attempted to run, or use any degree of exertion. + </p> + <p> + This accident, which seemed to threaten the dissolution of my body, only + killed my passions, and I have reason to thank Heaven for the happy + effect produced by it on my soul. I can truly say, I only began to live + when I considered myself as entering the grave; for, estimating at their + real value those things I was quitting; I began to employ myself on + nobler objects, namely by anticipating those I hoped shortly to have the + contemplation of, and which I had hitherto too much neglected. I had + often made light of religion, but was never totally devoid of it; + consequently, it cost me less pain to employ my thoughts on that + subject, which is generally thought melancholy, though highly pleasing + to those who make it an object of hope and consolation; Madam de + Warrens, therefore, was more useful to me on this occasion than all the + theologians in the world would have been. + </p> + <p> + She, who brought everything into a system, had not failed to do as much + by religion; and this system was composed of ideas that bore no affinity + to each other. Some were extremely good, and others very ridiculous, + being made up of sentiments proceeding from her disposition, and + prejudices derived from education. Men, in general, make God like + themselves; the virtuous make Him good, and the profligate make Him + wicked; ill-tempered and bilious devotees see nothing but hell, because + they would willingly damn all mankind; while loving and gentle souls + disbelieve it altogether; and one of the astonishments I could never + overcome, is to see the good Fenelon speak of it in his Telemachus as if + he really gave credit to it; but I hope he lied in that particular, for + however strict he might be in regard to truth, a bishop absolutely must + lie sometimes. Madam de Warrens spoke truth with me, and that soul, made + up without gall, who could not imagine a revengeful and ever angry God, + saw only clemency and forgiveness, where devotees bestowed inflexible + justice, and eternal punishment. + </p> + <p> + She frequently said there would be no justice in the Supreme Being + should He be strictly just to us; because, not having bestowed what was + necessary to render us essentially good, it would be requiring more than + he had given. The most whimsical idea was, that not believing in hell, + she was firmly persuaded of the reality of purgatory. This arose from + her not knowing what to do with the wicked, being loathed to damn them + utterly, nor yet caring to place them with the good till they had become + so; and we must really allow, that both in this world and the next, the + wicked are very troublesome company. + </p> + <p> + It is clearly seen that the doctrine of original sin and the redemption + of mankind is destroyed by this system; consequently that the basis of + the Christian dispensation, as generally received, is shaken, and that + the Catholic faith cannot subsist with these principles; Madam de + Warrens, notwithstanding, was a good Catholic, or at least pretended to + be one, and certainly desired to become such, but it appeared to her + that the Scriptures were too literally and harshly explained, supposing + that all we read of everlasting torments were figurative threatenings, + and the death of Jesus Christ an example of charity, truly divine, which + should teach mankind to love God and each other; in a word, faithful to + the religion she had embraced, she acquiesced in all its professions of + faith, but on a discussion of each particular article, it was plain she + thought diametrically opposite to that church whose doctrines she + professed to believe. In these cases she exhibited simplicity of art, a + frankness more eloquent than sophistry, which frequently embarrassed her + confessor; for she disguised nothing from him. "I am a good Catholic," + she would say, "and will ever remain so; I adopt with all the powers of + my soul the decisions of our holy Mother Church; I am not mistress of my + faith, but I am of my will, which I submit to you without reserve; I + will endeavor to believe all,—what can you require more?" + </p> + <p> + Had there been no Christian morality established, I am persuaded she + would have lived as if regulated by its principles, so perfectly did + they seem to accord with her disposition. She did everything that was + required; and she would have done the same had there been no such + requisition: but all this morality was subordinate to the principles of + M. Tavel, or rather she pretended to see nothing in religion that + contradicted them; thus she would have favored twenty lovers in a day, + without any idea of a crime, her conscience being no more moved in that + particular than her passions. I know that a number of devotees are not + more scrupulous, but the difference is, they are seduced by + constitution, she was blinded by her sophisms. In the midst of + conversations the most affecting, I might say the most edifying, she + would touch on this subject, without any change of air or manner, and + without being sensible of any contradiction in her opinions; so much was + she persuaded that our restrictions on that head are merely political, + and that any person of sense might interpret, apply, or make exceptions + to them, without any danger of offending the Almighty. + </p> + <p> + Though I was far enough from being of the same opinion in this + particular, I confess I dared not combat hers; indeed, as I was + situated, it would have been putting myself in rather awkward + circumstances, since I could only have sought to establish my opinion + for others, myself being an exception. Besides, I entertained but little + hopes of making her alter hers, which never had any great influence on + her conduct, and at the time I am speaking of none; but I have promised + faithfully to describe her principles, and I will perform my engagement—I + now return to myself. + </p> + <p> + Finding in her all those ideas I had occasion for to secure me from the + fears of death and its future consequences, I drew confidence and + security from this source; my attachment became warmer than ever, and I + would willingly have transmitted to her my whole existence, which seemed + ready to abandon me. From this redoubled attachment, a persuasion that I + had but a short time to live, and profound security on my future state, + arose an habitual and even pleasing serenity, which, calming every + passion that extends our hopes and fears, made me enjoy without + inquietude or concern the few days which I imagined remained for me. + What contributed to render them still snore agreeable was an endeavor to + encourage her rising taste for the country, by every amusement I could + possibly devise, wishing to attach her to her garden, poultry, pigeons, + and cows: I amused myself with them and these little occupations, which + employed my time without injuring my tranquillity, were more serviceable + than a milk diet, or all the remedies bestowed on my poor shattered + machine, even to effecting the utmost possible reestablishment of it. + </p> + <p> + The vintage and gathering in our fruit employed the remainder of the + year; we became more and more attached to a rustic life, and the society + of our honest neighbors. We saw the approach of winter with regret, and + returned to the city as if going into exile. To me this return was + particularly gloomy, who never expected to see the return of spring, and + thought I took an everlasting leave of Charmettes. I did not quit it + without kissing the very earth and trees, casting back many a wishful + look as I went towards Chambery. + </p> + <p> + Having left my scholars for so long a time, and lost my relish for the + amusements of the town, I seldom went out, conversing only with Madam de + Warrens and a Monsieur Salomon, who had lately become our physician. He + was an honest man, of good understanding, a great Cartesian, spoke + tolerably well on the system of the world, and his agreeable and + instructive conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions. + I could never bear that foolish trivial mode of conversation which is so + generally adopted; but useful instructive discourse has always given me + great pleasure, nor was I ever backward to join in it. I was much + pleased with that of M. Salomon; it appeared to me, that when in his + company, I anticipated the acquisition of that sublime knowledge which + my soul would enjoy when freed from its mortal fetters. The inclination + I had for him extended to the subjects which he treated on, and I began + to look after books which might better enable me to understand his + discourse. Those which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable + to me, particularly Port Royal's Oratory, and I began to read or rather + to devour them. One fell into my hands written by Father Lami, called + 'Entretiens sur les Sciences', which was a kind of introduction to the + knowledge of those books it treated of. I read it over a hundred times, + and resolved to make this my guide; in short, I found (notwithstanding + my ill state of health) that I was irresistibly drawn towards study, and + though looking on each day as the last of my life, read with as much + avidity as if certain I was to live forever. + </p> + <p> + I was assured that reading would injure me; but on the contrary, I am + rather inclined to think it was serviceable, not only to my soul, but + also to my body; for this application, which soon became delightful, + diverted my thoughts from my disorders, and I soon found myself much + less affected by them. It is certain, however, that nothing gave me + absolute ease, but having no longer any acute pain, I became accustomed + to languishment and wakefulness; to thinking instead of acting; in + short, I looked on the gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably + progressive and only to be terminated by death. + </p> + <p> + This opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life, but + delivered me from the importunity of medicine, to which hitherto, I had + been forced to submit, though contrary to my inclination. Salomon, + convinced that his drugs were unavailing, spared me the disagreeable + task of taking them, and contented himself with amusing the grief of my + poor Madam de Warrens by some of those harmless preparations, which + serve to flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the + doctor. I discontinued the strict regimen I had latterly observed, + resumed the use of wine, and lived in every respect like a man in + perfect health, as far as my strength would permit, only being careful + to run into no excess; I even began to go out and visit my acquaintance, + particularly M. de Conzie, whose conversation was extremely pleasing to + me. Whether it struck me as heroic to study to my last hour, or that + some hopes of life yet lingered in the bottom of my heart, I cannot + tell, but the apparent certainty of death, far from relaxing my + inclination for improvement, seemed to animate it, and I hastened to + acquire knowledge for the other world, as if convinced I should only + possess that portion I could carry with me. I took a liking to the shop + of a bookseller, whose name was Bouchard, which was frequented by some + men of letters, and as the spring (whose return I had never expected to + see again) was approaching, furnished myself with some books for + Charmettes, in case I should have the happiness to return there. + </p> + <p> + I had that happiness, and enjoyed it to the utmost extent. The rapture + with which I saw the trees put out their first bud, is inexpressible! + The return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into + paradise. The snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon + and returned to Charmettes, to enjoy the first warblings of the + nightingale. I now thought no more of dying, and it is really singular, + that from this time I never experienced any dangerous illness in the + country. I have suffered greatly, but never kept my bed, and have often + said to those about me, on finding myself worse than ordinary, "Should + you see me at the point of death, carry me under the shade of an oak, + and I promise you I shall recover." + </p> + <p> + Though weak, I resumed my country occupations, as far as my strength + would permit, and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage our + garden without help; for I could not take five or six strokes with the + spade without being out of breath and overcome with perspiration; when I + stooped the beating redoubled, and the blood flew with such violence to + my head, that I was instantly obliged to stand upright. Being therefore + confined to less fatiguing employments, I busied myself about the + dove-house, and was so pleased with it that I sometimes passed several + hours there without feeling a moment's weariness. The pigeon is very + timid and difficult to tame, yet I inspired mine with so much confidence + that they followed me everywhere, letting me catch them at pleasure, nor + could I appear in the garden without having two or three on my arms or + head in an instant, and notwithstanding the pleasure I took in them, + their company became so troublesome that I was obliged to lessen the + familiarity. I have ever taken great pleasure in taming animals, + particularly those that are wild and fearful. It appeared delightful to + me, to inspire them with a confidence which I took care never to abuse, + wishing them to love me freely. + </p> + <p> + I have already mentioned that I purchased some books: I did not forget + to read them, but in a manner more proper to fatigue than instruct me. I + imagined that to read a book profitably, it was necessary to be + acquainted with every branch of knowledge it even mentioned; far from + thinking that the author did not do this himself, but drew assistance + from other books, as he might see occasion. Full of this silly idea, I + was stopped every moment, obliged to run from one book to another, and + sometimes, before I could reach the tenth page of what I was studying, + found it necessary to turn over a whole library. I was so attached to + this ridiculous method, that I lost a prodigious deal of time and had + bewildered my head to such a degree, that I was hardly capable of doing, + seeing or comprehending anything. I fortunately perceived, at length, + that I was in the wrong road, which would entangle me in an inextricable + labyrinth, and quitted it before I was irrevocably lost. + </p> + <p> + When a person has any real taste for the sciences, the first thing he + perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they + mutually attract, assist, and enlighten each other, and that it is + impossible to attain one without the assistance of the rest. Though the + human understanding cannot grasp all, and one must ever be regarded as + the principal object, yet if the rest are totally neglected, the + favorite study is generally obscure; I was convinced that my resolution + to improve was good and useful in itself, but that it was necessary I + should change my method; I, therefore, had recourse to the + encyclopaedia. I began by a distribution of the general mass of human + knowledge into its various branches, but soon discovered that I must + pursue a contrary course, that I must take each separately, and trace it + to that point where it united with the rest: thus I returned to the + general synthetical method, but returned thither with a conviction that + I was going right. Meditation supplied the want of knowledge, and a very + natural reflection gave strength to my resolutions, which was, that + whether I lived or died, I had no time to lose; for having learned but + little before the age of five-and-twenty, and then resolving to learn + everything, was engaging to employ the future time profitably. I was + ignorant at what point accident or death might put a period to my + endeavors, and resolved at all events to acquire with the utmost + expedition some idea of every species of knowledge, as well to try my + natural disposition, as to judge for myself what most deserved + cultivation. + </p> + <p> + In the execution of my plan, I experienced another advantage which I had + never thought of; this was, spending a great deal of time profitably. + Nature certainly never meant me for study, since attentive application + fatigues me so much, that I find it impossible to employ myself half an + hour together intently on any one subject; particularly while following + another person's ideas, for it has frequently happened that I have + pursued my own for a much longer period with success. After reading a + few pages of an author with close application, my understanding is + bewildered, and should I obstinately continue, I tire myself to no + purpose, a stupefaction seizes me, and I am no longer conscious of what + I read; but in a succession of various subjects, one relieves me from + the fatigue of the other, and without finding respite necessary, I can + follow them with pleasure. + </p> + <p> + I took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies, taking + care to intermingle them in such a manner that I was never weary: it is + true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many pleasing + relaxations; but as my eagerness for improvement increased, I contrived + to find opportunities for my studies, frequently employing myself about + two things at the same time, without reflecting that both were + consequently neglected. + </p> + <p> + In relating so many trifling details, which delight me, but frequently + tire my reader, I make use of the caution to suppress a great number, + though, perhaps, he would have no idea of this, if I did not take care + to inform him of it: for example, I recollect with pleasure all the + different methods I adopted for the distribution of my time, in such a + manner as to produce the utmost profit and pleasure. I may say, that the + portion of my life which I passed in this retirement, though in + continual ill-health, was that in which I was least idle and least + wearied. Two or three months were thus employed in discovering the bent + of my genius; meantime, I enjoyed, in the finest season of the year, and + in a spot it rendered delightful, the charms of a life whose worth I was + so highly sensible of, in such a society, as free as it was charming; if + a union so perfect, and the extensive knowledge I purposed to acquire, + can be called society. It seemed to me as if I already possessed the + improvements I was only in pursuit of: or rather better, since the + pleasure of learning constituted a great part of my happiness. + </p> + <p> + I must pass over these particulars, which were to me the height of + enjoyment, but are too trivial to bear repeating: indeed, true happiness + is indescribable, it is only to be felt, and this consciousness of + felicity is proportionately more, the less able we are to describe it; + because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favorable + incidents, but is an affection of the mind itself. I am frequently + guilty of repetitions, but should be infinitely more so, did I repeat + the same thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind. When at + length my variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course, + the following was nearly the distribution of time which I adopted: I + rose every morning before the sun, and passed through a neighboring + orchard into a pleasant path, which, running by a vineyard, led towards + Chambery. While walking, I offered up my prayers, not by a vain motion + of the lips, but a sincere elevation of my heart, to the Great Author of + delightful nature, whose beauties were so charmingly spread out before + me! I never love to pray in a chamber; it seems to me that the walls and + all the little workmanship of man interposed between God and myself: I + love to contemplate Him in his works, which elevate my soul, and raise + my thoughts to Him. My prayers were pure, I can affirm it, and therefore + worthy to be heard:—I asked for myself and her from whom my + thoughts were never divided, only an innocent and quiet life, exempt + from vice, sorrow and want; I prayed that we might die the death of the + just, and partake of their lot hereafter: for the rest, it was rather + admiration and contemplation than request, being satisfied that the best + means to obtain what is necessary from the Giver of every perfect good, + is rather to deserve than to solicit. Returning from my walk, I + lengthened the way by taking a roundabout path, still contemplating with + earnestness and delight the beautiful scenes with which I was + surrounded, those only objects that never fatigue either the eye or the + heart. As I approached our habitation, I looked forward to see if Madam + de Warrens was stirring, and when I perceived her shutters open, I even + ran with joy towards the house: if they were yet shut I went into the + garden to wait their opening, amusing myself, meantime, by a + retrospection of what I had read the preceding evening, or in gardening. + The moment the shutter drew back I hastened to embrace her, frequently + half asleep; and this salute, pure as it was affectionate, even from its + innocence, possessed a charm which the senses can never bestow. We + usually breakfasted on milk-coffee; this was the time of day when we had + most leisure, and when we chatted with the greatest freedom. These + sittings, which were usually pretty long, have given me a fondness for + breakfasts, and I infinitely prefer those of England, or Switzerland, + which are considered as a meal, at which all the family assemble, than + those of France, where they breakfast alone in their several apartments, + or more frequently have none at all. After an hour or two passed in + discourse, I went to my study till dinner; beginning with some + philosophical work, such as the logic of Port-Royal, Locke's Essays, + Mallebranche, Leibtnitz, Descartes, etc. I soon found that these authors + perpetually contradict each other, and formed the chimerical project of + reconciling them, which cost me much labor and loss of time, bewildering + my head without any profit. At length (renouncing this idea) I adopted + one infinitely more profitable, to which I attribute all the progress I + have since made, notwithstanding the defects of my capacity; for 'tis + certain I had very little for study. On reading each author, I acquired + a habit of following all his ideas, without suffering my own or those of + any other writer to interfere with them, or entering into any dispute on + their utility. I said to myself, "I will begin by laying up a stock of + ideas, true or false, but clearly conceived, till my understanding shall + be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and make choice of + those that are most estimable." I am sensible this method is not without + its inconveniences, but it succeeded in furnishing me with a fund of + instruction. Having passed some years in thinking after others, without + reflection, and almost without reasoning, I found myself possessed of + sufficient materials to set about thinking on my own account, and when + journeys of business deprived me of the opportunities of consulting + books, I amused myself with recollecting and comparing what I had read, + weighing every opinion on the balance of reason, and frequently judging + my masters. Though it was late before I began to exercise my judicial + faculties, I have not discovered that they had lost their vigor, and on + publishing my own ideas, have never been accused of being a servile + disciple or of swearing 'in verba magistri'. + </p> + <p> + From these studies I passed to the elements of geometry, for I never + went further, forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same + ground a hundred and a hundred times over. I did not admire Euclid, who + rather seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas: I + preferred the geometry of Father Lama, who from that time became one of + my favorite authors, and whose works I yet read with pleasure. Algebra + followed, and Father Lama was still my guide: when I made some progress, + I perused Father Reynaud's Science of Calculation, and then his Analysis + Demonstrated; but I never went far enough thoroughly to understand the + application of algebra to geometry. I was not pleased with this method + of performing operations by rule without knowing what I was about: + resolving geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like + playing a tune by turning round a handle. The first time I found by + calculation that the square of a binocular figure was composed of the + square of each of its parts, and double the product of one by the other; + though convinced that my multiplication was right, I could not be + satisfied till I had made and examined the figure: not but I admire + algebra when applied to abstract quantities, but when used to + demonstrate dimensions, I wished to see the operation, and unless + explained by lines, could not rightly comprehend it. + </p> + <p> + After this came Latin: it was my most painful study, and in which I + never made great progress. I began by Port-Royal's Rudiments, but + without success; I lost myself in a crowd of rules; and in studying the + last forgot all that preceded it. A study of words is not calculated for + a man without memory, and it was principally an endeavor to make my + memory more retentive, that urged me obstinately to persist in this + study, which at length I was obliged to relinquish. As I understood + enough to read an easy author by the aid of a dictionary, I followed + that method, and found it succeed tolerably well. I likewise applied + myself to translation, not by writing, but mentally, and by exercise and + perseverance attained to read Latin authors easily, but have never been + able to speak or write that language, which has frequently embarrassed + me when I have found myself (I know not by what means) enrolled among + men of letters. + </p> + <p> + Another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is, that I + never understood prosody, much less the rules of versification; yet, + anxious to understand the harmony of the language, both in prose and + verse, I have made many efforts to obtain it, but am convinced, that + without a master it is almost impossible. Having learned the composition + of the hexameter, which is the easiest of all verses, I had the patience + to measure out the greater part of Virgil into feet and quantity, and + whenever I was dubious whether a syllable was long or short, immediately + consulted my Virgil. It may easily be conceived that I ran into many + errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of + versification; and it is certain, that if there is an advantage in + studying alone, there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable + labor, as I have experienced more than any one. + </p> + <p> + At twelve I quitted my books, and if dinner was not ready, paid my + friends, the pigeons, a visit, or worked in the garden till it was, and + when I heard myself called, ran very willingly, and with a good appetite + to partake of it, for it is very remarkable, that let me be ever so + indisposed my appetite never fails. We dined very agreeably, chatting + till Madam de Warrens could eat. Two or three times a week, when it was + fine, we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house, that I + had decorated with hops, and which was very refreshing during the heat; + we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables, or in + conversation relative to our manner of life, which greatly increased the + pleasure of it. I had another little family at the end of the garden; + these were several hives of bees, which I never failed to visit once a + day, and was frequently accompanied by Madam de Warrens. I was greatly + interested in their labor, and amused myself seeing them return to the + hives, their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they + could hardly walk. At first, curiosity made me indiscreet, and they + stung me several times, but afterwards, we were so well acquainted, that + let me approach as near as I would, they never molested me, though the + hives were full and the bees ready to swarm. At these times I have been + surrounded, having them on my hands and face without apprehending any + danger. All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason, but when + once assured he does not mean to injure them, their confidence becomes + so great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it. + </p> + <p> + After this I returned to my books; but my afternoon employment ought + rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement, than labor or + study. I have never been able to bear application after dinner, and in + general any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the + day. I employed myself, 'tis true, but without restraint or rule, and + read without studying. What I most attended to at these times, was + history and geography, and as these did not require intense application, + made as much progress in them as my weak memory would permit. I had an + inclination to study Father Petau, and launched into the gloom of + chronology, but was disgusted at the critical part, which I found had + neither bottom nor banks; this made me prefer the more exact measurement + of time by the course of the celestial bodies. I should even have + contracted a fondness for astronomy, had I been in possession of + instruments, but was obliged to content myself with some of the elements + of that art, learned from books, and a few rude observations made with a + telescope, sufficient only to give me a general idea of the situation of + the heavenly bodies; for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish + the stars without the help of a glass. + </p> + <p> + I recollect an adventure on this subject, the remembrance of which has + often diverted me. I had bought a celestial planisphere to study the + constellations by, and, having fixed it on a frame, when the nights were + fine and the sky clear, I went into the garden; and fixing the frame on + four sticks, something higher than myself, which I drove into the + ground, turned the planisphere downwards, and contrived to light it by + means of a candle (which I put in a pail to prevent the wind from + blowing it out) and then placed in the centre of the above—mentioned + four supporters; this done, I examined the stars with my glass, and from + time to time referring to my planisphere, endeavored to distinguish the + various constellations. I think I have before observed that our garden + was on a terrace, and lay open to the road. One night, some country + people passing very late, saw me in a most grotesque habit, busily + employed in these observations: the light, which struck directly on the + planisphere, proceeding from a cause they could not divine (the candle + being concealed by the sides of the pail), the four stakes supporting a + large paper, marked over with various uncouth figures, with the motion + of the telescope, which they saw turning backwards and forwards, gave + the whole an air of conjuration that struck them with horror and + amazement. My figure was by no means calculated to dispel their fears; a + flapped hat put on over my nightcap, and a short cloak about my shoulder + (which Madam de Warrens had obliged me to put on) presented in their + idea the image of a real sorcerer. Being near midnight, they made no + doubt but this was the beginning of some diabolical assembly, and having + no curiosity to pry further into these mysteries, they fled with all + possible speed, awakened their neighbors, and described this most + dreadful vision. The story spread so fast that the next day the whole + neighborhood was informed that a nocturnal assembly of witches was held + in the garden that belonged to Monsieur Noiret, and I am ignorant what + might have been the consequence of this rumor if one of the countrymen + who had been witness to my conjurations had not the same day carried his + complaint to two Jesuits, who frequently came to visit us, and who, + without knowing the foundation of the story, undeceived and satisfied + them. These Jesuits told us the whole affair, and I acquainted them with + the cause of it, which altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh. + However, I resolved for the future to make my observations without + light, and consult my planisphere in the house. Those who have read + Venetian magic, in the 'Letters from the Mountain', may find that I long + since had the reputation of being a conjurer. + </p> + <p> + Such was the life I led at Charmettes when I had no rural employments, + for they ever had the preference, and in those that did not exceed my + strength, I worked like a peasant; but my extreme weakness left me + little except the will; besides, as I have before observed, I wished to + do two things at once, and therefore did neither well. I obstinately + persisted in forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart, and for + that purpose, I always carried some book with me, which, while at work, + I studied with inconceivable labor. I was continually repeating + something, and am really amazed that the fatigue of these vain and + continual efforts did not render me entirely stupid. I must have learned + and relearned the Eclogues of Virgil twenty times over, though at this + time I cannot recollect a single line of them. I have lost or spoiled a + great number of books by a custom I had of carrying them with me into + the dove-house, the garden, orchard or vineyard, when, being busy about + something else, I laid my book at the foot of a tree, on the hedge, or + the first place that came to hand, and frequently left them there, + finding them a fortnight after, perhaps, rotted to pieces, or eaten by + the ants or snails; and this ardor for learning became so far a madness + that it rendered me almost stupid, and I was perpetually muttering some + passage or other to myself. + </p> + <p> + The writings of Port-Royal, and those of the Oratory, being what I most + read, had made me half a Jansenist, and, notwithstanding all my + confidence, their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me. A dread of hell, + which till then I had never much apprehended, by little and little + disturbed my security, and had not Madam de Warrens tranquillized my + soul, would at length have been too much for me. My confessor, who was + hers likewise, contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes. This + was a Jesuit, named Father Hemet; a good and wise old man, whose memory + I shall ever hold in veneration. Though a Jesuit, he had the simplicity + of a child, and his manners, less relaxed than gentle, were precisely + what was necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by + Jansenism. This good man and his companion, Father Coppier, came + frequently to visit us at Charmette, though the road was very rough and + tedious for men of their age. These visits were very comfortable to me, + which may the Almighty return to their souls, for they were so old that + I cannot suppose them yet living. I sometimes went to see them at + Chambery, became acquainted at their convent, and had free access to the + library. The remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the + idea of those Jesuits, that I love one on account of the other, and + though I have ever thought their doctrines dangerous, could never find + myself in a disposition to hate them cordially. + </p> + <p> + I should like to know whether there ever passed such childish notions in + the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine. In the midst of my + studies, and of a life as innocent as man could lead, notwithstanding + every persuasion to the contrary, the dread of hell frequently tormented + me. I asked myself, "What state am I in? Should I die at this instant, + must I be damned?" According to my Jansenists the matter was + indubitable, but according to my conscience it appeared quite the + contrary: terrified and floating in this cruel uncertainty, I had + recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve my doubts, for which + I would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic should I see him practise + the same folly. One day, meditating on this melancholy subject, I + exercised myself in throwing stones at the trunks of trees, with my + usual dexterity, that is to say, without hitting any of them. In the + height of this charming exercise, it entered my mind to make a kind of + prognostic, that might calm my inquietude; I said, "I will throw this + stone at the tree facing me; if I hit my mark, I will consider it as a + sign of salvation; if I miss, as a token of damnation." While I said + this, I threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so + happily that it struck the body of the tree, which truly was not a + difficult matter, for I had taken care to choose one that was very large + and very near me. From that moment I never doubted my salvation: I know + not on recollecting this trait, whether I ought to laugh or shudder at + myself. Ye great geniuses, who surely laugh at my folly, congratulate + yourselves on your superior wisdom, but insult not my unhappiness, for I + swear to you that I feel it most sensibly. + </p> + <p> + These troubles, these alarms, inseparable, perhaps, from devotion, were + only at intervals; in general, I was tranquil, and the impression made + on my soul by the idea of approaching death, was less that of melancholy + than a peaceful languor, which even had its pleasures. I have found + among my old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which I + made to myself on dying at an age when I had the courage to meet death + with serenity, without having experienced any great evils, either of + body or mind. How much justice was there in the thought! A preconception + of what I had to suffer made me fear to live, and it seemed that I + dreaded the fate which must attend my future days. I have never been so + near wisdom as during this period, when I felt no great remorse for the + past, nor tormenting fear for the future; the reigning sentiment of my + soul being the enjoyment of the present. Serious people usually possess + a lively sensuality, which makes them highly enjoy those innocent + pleasures that are allowed them. Worldlings (I know not why) impute this + to them as a crime: or rather, I well know the cause of this imputation, + it is because they envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure + delights which they have lost the relish of. I had these inclinations, + and found it charming to gratify them in security of conscience. My yet + inexperienced heart gave in to all with the calm happiness of a child, + or rather (if I dare use the expression) with the raptures of an angel; + for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of paradise. + Dinners on the grass at Montagnole, suppers in our arbor, gathering in + the fruits, the vintage, a social meeting with our neighbors; all these + were so many holidays, in which Madam de Warrens took as much pleasure + as myself. Solitary walks afforded yet purer pleasure, because in them + our hearts expanded with greater freedom: one particularly remains in my + memory; it was on a St. Louis' day, whose name Madam de Warrens bore: we + set out together early and unattended, after having heard a mass at + break of day in a chapel adjoining our house, from a Carmelite, who + attended for that purpose. As I proposed walking over the hills opposite + our dwelling, which we had not yet visited, we sent our provisions on + before; the excursion being to last the whole day. Madam de Warrens, + though rather corpulent, did not walk ill, and we rambled from hill to + hill and wood to wood, sometimes in the sun, but oftener in the shade, + resting from time to time, and regardless how the hours stole away; + speaking of ourselves, of our union, of the gentleness of our fate, and + offering up prayers for its duration, which were never heard. Everything + conspired to augment our happiness: it had rained for several days + previous to this, there was no dust, the brooks were full and rapid, a + gentle breeze agitated the leaves, the air was pure, the horizon free + from clouds, serenity reigned in the sky as in our hearts. Our dinner + was prepared at a peasant's house, and shared with him and his family, + whose benedictions we received. These poor Savoyards are the worthiest + of people! After dinner we regained the shade, and while I was picking + up bits of dried sticks, to boil our coffee, Madam de Warrens amused + herself with herbalizing among the bushes, and with the flowers I had + gathered for her in my way. She made me remark in their construction a + thousand natural beauties, which greatly amused me, and which ought to + have given me a taste for botany; but the time was not yet come, and my + attention was arrested by too many other studies. Besides this, an idea + struck me, which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants: the + situation of my mind at that moment, all that we had said or done that + day, every object that had struck me, brought to my remembrance the kind + of waking dream I had at Annecy seven or eight years before, and which I + have given an account of in its place. The similarity was so striking + that it affected me even to tears: in a transport of tenderness I + embraced Madam de Warrens. "My dearest friend," said I, "this day has + long since been promised me: I can see nothing beyond it: my happiness, + by your means, is at its height; may it never decrease; may it continue + as long as I am sensible of its value-then it can only finish with my + life." + </p> + <p> + Thus happily passed my days, and the more happily as I perceived nothing + that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion; not that the cause of + my former uneasiness had absolutely ceased, but I saw it take another + course, which I directed with my utmost care to useful objects, that the + remedy might accompany the evil. Madam de Warrens naturally loved the + country, and this taste did not cool while with me. By little and little + she contracted a fondness for rustic employments, wished to make the + most of her land, and had in that particular a knowledge which she + practised with pleasure. + </p> + <p> + Not satisfied with what belonged to the house, she hired first a field, + then a meadow, transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of + agriculture, and instead of remaining unemployed in the house, was in + the way of becoming a complete farmer. I was not greatly pleased to see + this passion increase, and endeavored all I could to oppose it; for I + was certain she would be deceived, and that her liberal extravagant + disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her profits; + however, I consoled myself by thinking the produce could not be useless, + and would at least help her to live. Of all the projects she could form, + this appeared the least ruinous: without regarding it, therefore, in the + light she did, as a profitable scheme, I considered it as a perpetual + employment, which would keep her from more ruinous enterprises, and out + of the reach of impostors. With this idea, I ardently wished to recover + my health and strength, that I might superintend her affairs, overlook + her laborers, or, rather, be the principal one myself. The exercise this + naturally obliged me to take, with the relaxation it procured me from + books and study, was serviceable to my health. + </p> + <p> + The winter following, Barillot returning from Italy, brought me some + books; and among others, the 'Bontempi' and 'la Cartella per Musica', of + Father Banchieri; these gave me a taste for the history of music and for + the theoretical researches of that pleasing art. Barillot remained some + time with us, and as I had been of age some months, I determined to go + to Geneva the following spring, and demand my mother's inheritance, or + at least that part which belonged to me, till it could be ascertained + what had become of my brother. This plan was executed as it had been + resolved: I went to Geneva; my father met me there, for he had + occasionally visited Geneva a long time since, without its being + particularly noticed, though the decree that had been pronounced against + him had never been reversed; but being esteemed for his courage, and + respected for his probity, the situation of his affairs was pretended to + be forgotten; or perhaps, the magistrates, employed with the great + project that broke out some little time after, were not willing to alarm + the citizens by recalling to their memory, at an improper time, this + instance of their former partiality. + </p> + <p> + I apprehended that I should meet with difficulties, on account of having + changed my religion, but none occurred; the laws of Geneva being less + harsh in that particular than those of Berne, where, whoever changes his + religion, not only loses his freedom, but his property. My rights, + however, were not disputed: but I found my patrimony, I know not how, + reduced to very little, and though it was known almost to a certainty + that my brother was dead, yet, as there was no legal proof, I could not + lay claim to his share, which I left without regret to my father, who + enjoyed it as long as he lived. No sooner were the necessary formalities + adjusted, and I had received my money, some of which I expended in + books, than I flew with the remainder to Madam de Warrens; my heart beat + with joy during the journey, and the moment in which I gave the money + into her hands, was to me a thousand times more delightful than that + which gave it into mine. She received this with a simplicity common to + great souls, who, doing similar actions without effort, see them without + admiration; indeed it was almost all expended for my use, for it would + have been employed in the same manner had it come from any other + quarter. + </p> + <p> + My health was not yet re-established; I decayed visibly, was pale as + death, and reduced to an absolute skeleton; the beating of my arteries + was extreme, my palpitations were frequent: I was sensible of a + continual oppression, and my weakness became at length so great, that I + could scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation, stoop without + vertigoes, or lift even the smallest weight, which reduced me to the + most tormenting inaction for a man so naturally stirring as myself. It + is certain my disorder was in a great measure hypochondriacal. The + vapors is a malady common to people in fortunate situations: the tears I + frequently shed, without reason; the lively alarms I felt on the falling + of a leaf, or the fluttering of a bird; inequality of humor in the calm + of a most pleasing life; lassitude which made me weary even of + happiness, and carried sensibility to extravagance, were an instance of + this. We are so little formed for felicity, that when the soul and body + do not suffer together, they must necessarily endure separate + inconveniences, the good state of the one being almost always injurious + to the happiness of the other. Had all the pleasure of life courted me, + my weakened frame would not have permitted the enjoyment of them, + without my being able to particularize the real seat of my complaint; + yet in the decline of life; after having encountered very serious and + real evils, my body seemed to regain its strength, as if on purpose to + encounter additional misfortunes; and, at the moment I write this, + though infirm, near sixty, and overwhelmed with every kind of sorrow, I + feel more ability to suffer than I ever possessed for enjoyment when in + the very flower of my age, and in the bosom of real happiness. + </p> + <p> + To complete me, I had mingled a little physiology among my other + readings: I set about studying anatomy, and considering the multitude, + movement, and wonderful construction of the various parts that composed + the human machine; my apprehensions were instantly increased, I expected + to feel mine deranged twenty times a day, and far from being surprised + to find myself dying, was astonished that I yet existed! I could not + read the description of any malady without thinking it mine, and, had I + not been already indisposed, I am certain I should have become so from + this study. Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine, I fancied + I had them all, and, at length, gained one more troublesome than any I + yet suffered, which I had thought myself delivered from; this was, a + violent inclination to seek a cure; which it is very difficult to + suppress, when once a person begins reading physical books. By + searching, reflecting, and comparing, I became persuaded that the + foundation of my complaint was a polypus at the heart, and Doctor + Salomon appeared to coincide with the idea. Reasonably this opinion + should have confirmed my former resolution of considering myself past + cure; this, however, was not the case; on the contrary; I exerted every + power of my understanding in search of a remedy for a polypus, resolving + to undertake this marvellous cure. + </p> + <p> + In a journey which Anet had made to Montpelier, to see the physical + garden there, and visit Monsieur Sauvages, the demonstrator, he had been + informed that Monsieur Fizes had cured a polypus similar to that I + fancied myself afflicted with: Madam de Warrens, recollecting this + circumstance, mentioned it to me, and nothing more was necessary to + inspire me with a desire to consult Monsieur Fizes. The hope of recovery + gave me courage and strength to undertake the journey; the money from + Geneva furnished the means; Madam de Warrens, far from dissuading, + entreated me to go: behold me, therefore, without further ceremony, set + out for Montpelier!—but it was not necessary to go so far to find + the cure I was in search of. + </p> + <p> + Finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing, I had hired a chaise at + Grenoble, and on entering Moirans, five or six other chaises arrived in + a rank after mine. The greater part of these were in the train of a new + married lady called Madam du Colombier; with her was a Madam de Larnage, + not so young or handsome as the former, yet not less amiable. The bride + was to stop at Romans, but the other lady was to pursue her route as far + as Saint-Andiol, near the bridge du St. Esprit. With my natural timidity + it will not be conjectured that I was very ready at forming an + acquaintance with these fine ladies, and the company that attended them; + but travelling the same road, lodging at the same inns, and being + obliged to eat at the same table, the acquaintance seemed unavoidable, + as any backwardness on my part would have got me the character of a very + unsociable being: it was formed then, and even sooner than I desired, + for all this bustle was by no means convenient to a person in ill + health, particularly to one of my humor. Curiosity renders these vixens + extremely insinuating; they accomplish their design of becoming + acquainted with a man by endeavoring to turn his brain, and this was + precisely what happened to me. Madam du Colombier was too much + surrounded by her young gallants to have any opportunity of paying much + attention to me; besides, it was not worthwhile, as we were to separate + in so short a time; but Madam de Larnage (less attended to than her + young friend) had to provide herself for the remainder of the journey; + behold me, then, attacked by Madam de Larnage, and adieu to poor Jean + Jacques, or rather farewell to fever, vapors, and polypus; all + completely vanished when in her presence. The ill state of my health was + the first subject of our conversation; they saw I was indisposed, knew I + was going to Montpelier, but my air and manner certainly did not exhibit + the appearance of a libertine, since it was clear by what followed they + did not suspect I was going there for a reason that carries many that + road. + </p> + <p> + In the morning they sent to inquire after my health and invite me to + take chocolate with them, and when I made my appearance asked how I had + passed the night. Once, according to my praiseworthy custom of speaking + without thought, I replied, "I did not know," which answer naturally + made them conclude I was a fool: but, on questioning me further; the + examination turned out so far to my advantage, that I rather rose in + their opinion, and I once heard Madam du Colombier say to her friend, + "He is amiable, but not sufficiently acquainted with the world." These + words were a great encouragement, and assisted me in rendering myself + agreeable. + </p> + <p> + As we became more familiar, it was natural to give each other some + little account of whence we came and who we were: this embarrassed me + greatly, for I was sensible that in good company and among women of + spirit, the very name of a new convert would utterly undo me. I know not + by what whimsicallity I resolved to pass for an Englishman; however, in + consequence of that determination I gave myself out for a Jacobite, and + was readily believed. They called me Monsieur Dudding, which was the + name I assumed with my new character, and a cursed Marquis Torignan, who + was one of the company, an invalid like myself, and both old and + ill-tempered, took it in his head to begin a long conversation with me. + He spoke of King James, of the Pretender, and the old court of St. + Germain's; I sat on thorns the whole time, for I was totally + unacquainted with all these except what little I had picked up in the + account of Earl Hamilton, and from the gazettes; however, I made such + fortunate use of the little I did know as to extricate myself from this + dilemma, happy in not being questioned on the English language, which I + did not know a single word of. + </p> + <p> + The company were all very agreeable; we looked forward to the moment of + separation with regret, and therefore made snails' journeys. We arrived + one Sunday at St. Marcelein's; Madam de Larnage would go to mass; I + accompanied her, and had nearly ruined all my affairs, for by my modest + reserved countenance during the service, she concluded me a bigot, and + conceived a very indifferent opinion of me, as I learned from her own + account two days after. It required a great deal of gallantry on my part + to efface this ill impression, or rather Madam de Larnage (who was not + easily disheartened) determined to risk the first advances, and see how + I should behave. She made several, but far from being presuming on my + figure, I thought she was making sport of me: full of this ridiculous + idea there was no folly I was not guilty of. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Larnage persisted in such caressing behavior, that a much wiser + man than myself could hardly have taken it seriously. The more obvious + her advances were, the more I was confirmed in my mistake, and what + increased my torment, I found I was really in love with her. I + frequently said to myself, and sometimes to her, sighing, "Ah! why is + not all this real? then should I be the most fortunate of men." I am + inclined to think my stupidity did but increase her resolution, and make + her determined to get the better of it. + </p> + <p> + We left Madam du Colombier at Romans; after which Madam de Larnage, the + Marquis de Torignan, and myself continued our route slowly, and in the + most agreeable manner. The marquis, though indisposed, and rather + ill-humored, was an agreeable companion, but was not best pleased at + seeing the lady bestow all her attentions on me, while he passed + unregarded; for Madam de Larnage took so little care to conceal her + inclination, that he perceived it sooner than I did, and his sarcasms + must have given me that confidence I could not presume to take from the + kindness of the lady, if by a surmise, which no one but myself could + have blundered on, I had not imagined they perfectly understood each + other, and were agreed to turn my passion into ridicule. This foolish + idea completed my stupidity, making me act the most ridiculous part, + while, had I listened to the feelings of my heart, I might have been + performing one far more brilliant. I am astonished that Madam de Larnage + was not disgusted at my folly, and did not discard me with disdain; but + she plainly perceived there was more bashfulness than indifference in my + composition. + </p> + <p> + We arrived at Valence to dinner, and according to our usual custom + passed the remainder of the day there. We lodged out of the city, at the + St. James, an inn I shall never forget. After dinner, Madam de Larnage + proposed a walk; she knew the marquis was no walker, consequently, this + was an excellent plan for a tete-a-tete, which she was predetermined to + make the most of. While we were walking round the city by the side of + the moats, I entered on a long history of my complaint, to which she + answered in so tender an accent, frequently pressing my arm, which she + held to her heart, that it required all my stupidity not to be convinced + of the sincerity of her attachment. I have already observed that she was + amiable; love rendered her charming, adding all the loveliness of youth: + and she managed her advances with so much art, that they were sufficient + to have seduced the most insensible: I was, therefore, in very uneasy + circumstances, and frequently on the point of making a declaration; but + the dread of offending her, and the still greater of being laughed at, + ridiculed, made table-talk, and complimented on my enterprise by the + satirical marquis, had such unconquerable power over me, that, though + ashamed of my ridiculous bashfulness, I could not take courage to + surmount it. I had ended the history of my complaints, which I felt the + ridiculousness of at this time; and not knowing how to look, or what to + say, continued silent, giving the finest opportunity in the world for + that ridicule I so much dreaded. Happily, Madam de Larnage took a more + favorable resolution, and suddenly interrupted this silence by throwing + her arms round my neck, while, at the same instant, her lips spoke too + plainly on mine to be any longer misunderstood. This was reposing that + confidence in me the want of which has almost always prevented me from + appearing myself: for once I was at ease, my heart, eyes and tongue, + spoke freely what I felt; never did I make better reparation for my + mistakes, and if this little conquest had cost Madam de Larnage some + difficulties, I have reason to believe she did not regret them. + </p> + <p> + Was I to live a hundred years, I should never forget this charming + woman. I say charming, for though neither young nor beautiful, she was + neither old nor ugly, having nothing in her appearance that could + prevent her wit and accomplishments from producing all their effects. It + was possible to see her without falling in love, but those she favored + could not fail to adore her; which proves, in my opinion, that she was + not generally so prodigal of her favors. It is true, her inclination for + me was so sudden and lively, that it scarce appears excusable; though + from the short, but charming interval I passed with her, I have reason + to think her heart was more influenced than her passions. + </p> + <p> + Our good intelligence did not escape the penetration of the marquis; not + that he discontinued his usual raillery; on the contrary, he treated me + as a sighing, hopeless swain, languishing under the rigors of his + mistress; not a word, smile, or look escaped him by which I could + imagine he suspected my happiness; and I should have thought him + completely deceived, had not Madam de Larnage, who was more + clear-sighted than myself, assured me of the contrary; but he was a + well-bred man, and it was impossible to behave with more attention or + greater civility, than he constantly paid me (notwithstanding his + satirical sallies), especially after my success, which, as he was + unacquainted with my stupidity, he perhaps gave me the honor of + achieving. It has already been seen that he was mistaken in this + particular; but no matter, I profited by his error, for being conscious + that the laugh was on my side, I took all his sallies in good part, and + sometimes parried them with tolerable success; for, proud of the + reputation of wit which Madam de Larnage had thought fit to discover in + me, I no longer appeared the same man. + </p> + <p> + We were both in a country and season of plenty, and had everywhere + excellent cheer, thanks to the good cares of the marquis; though I would + willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more satisfied + with the situation of our chambers; but he always sent his footman on to + provide them; and whether of his own accord, or by the order of his + master, the rogue always took care that the marquis' chamber should be + close by Madam de Larnage's, while mine was at the further end of the + house: but that made no great difference, or perhaps it rendered our + rendezvous the more charming; this happiness lasted four or five days, + during which time I was intoxicated with delight, which I tasted pure + and serene without any alloy; an advantage I could never boast before; + and, I may add, it is owing to Madam de Larnage that I did not go out of + the world without having tasted real pleasure. + </p> + <p> + If the sentiment I felt for her was not precisely love, it was at least + a very tender return of what she testified for me; our meetings were so + delightful, that they possessed all the sweets of love; without that + kind of delirium which affects the brain, and even tends to diminish our + happiness. I never experienced true love but once in my life, and that + was not with Madam de Larnage, neither did I feel that affection for her + which I had been sensible of, and yet continued to possess, for Madam de + Warrens; but for this very reason, our tete-a-tetes were a hundred times + more delightful. When with Madam de Warrens, my felicity was always + disturbed by a secret sadness, a compunction of heart, which I found it + impossible to surmount. Instead of being delighted at the acquisition of + so much happiness, I could not help reproaching myself for contributing + to render her I loved unworthy: on the contrary, with Madam de Lamage, I + was proud of my happiness, and gave in to it without repugnance, while + my triumph redoubled every other charm. + </p> + <p> + I do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis, who resided in + this country, but I know we were alone on our arrival at Montelimar, + where Madam de Larnage made her chambermaid get into my chaise, and + accommodate me with a seat in hers. It will easily be believed, that + travelling in this manner was by no means displeasing to me, and that I + should be very much puzzled to give any account of the country we passed + through. She had some business at Montelimar, which detained her there + two or three days; during this time she quitted me but one quarter of an + hour, for a visit she could not avoid, which embarrassed her with a + number of invitations she had no inclination to accept, and therefore + excused herself by pleading some indisposition; though she took care + this should not prevent our walking together every day, in the most + charming country, and under the finest sky imaginable. Oh! these three + days! what reason have I to regret them! Never did such happiness return + again. + </p> + <p> + The amours of a journey cannot be very durable: it was necessary we + should part, and I must confess it was almost time; not that I was weary + of my happiness, but I might as well have been. We endeavored to comfort + each other for the pain of parting, by forming plans for our reunion; + and it was concluded, that after staying five or six weeks at Montpelier + (which would give Madam de Larnage time to prepare for my reception in + such a manner as to prevent scandal) I should return to Saint-Andiol, + and spend the winter under her direction. She gave me ample instruction + on what it was necessary I should know, on what it would be proper to + say; and how I should conduct myself. She spoke much and earnestly on + the care of my health, conjured me to consult skilful physicians, and be + attentive and exact in following their prescriptions whatever they might + happen to be. I believe her concern was sincere, for she loved me, and + gave proofs of her affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her + favors; for judging by my mode of travelling, that I was not in very + affluent circumstances (though not rich herself), on our parting, she + would have had me share the contents of her purse, which she had brought + pretty well furnished from Grenoble, and it was with great difficulty I + could make her put up with a denial. In a word, we parted; my heart full + of her idea, and leaving in hers (if I am not mistaken) a firm + attachment to me. + </p> + <p> + While pursuing the remainder of my journey, remembrance ran over + everything that had passed from the commencement of it, and I was well + satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable chaise, where I could + ruminate at ease on the pleasures I had enjoyed, and those which awaited + my return. I only thought of Saint-Andiol; of the life I was to lead + there; I saw nothing but Madam de Larnage, or what related to her; the + whole universe besides was nothing to me—even Madam de Warrens was + forgotten!—I set about combining all the details by which Madam de + Larnage had endeavored to give me in advance an idea of her house, of + the neighborhood, of her connections, and manner of life, finding + everything charming. + </p> + <p> + She had a daughter, whom she had often described in the warmest terms of + maternal affection: this daughter was fifteen lively, charming, and of + an amiable disposition. Madam de Larnage promised me her friendship; I + had not forgotten that promise, and was curious to know how Mademoiselle + de Larnage would treat her mother's 'bon ami'. These were the subjects + of my reveries from the bridge of St. Esprit to Remoulin: I had been + advised to visit the Pont-du-Gard; hitherto I had seen none of the + remaining monuments of Roman magnificence, and I expected to find this + worthy the hands by which it was constructed; for once, the reality + surpassed my expectation; this was the only time in my life it ever did + so, and the Romans alone could have produced that effect. The view of + this noble and sublime work, struck me the more forcibly, from being in + the midst of a desert, where silence and solitude render the majestic + edifice more striking, and admiration more lively, for though called a + bridge it is nothing more than an aqueduct. One cannot help exclaiming, + what strength could have transported these enormous stones so far from + any quarry? And what motive could have united the labors of so many + millions of men, in a place that no one inhabited? I remained here whole + hours, in the most ravishing contemplation, and returned pensive and + thoughtful to my inn. This reverie was by no means favorable to Madam de + Larnage; she had taken care to forewarn me against the girls of + Montpelier, but not against the Pont-du-Gard—it is impossible to + provide for every contingency. + </p> + <p> + On my arrival at Nismes, I went to see the amphitheatre, which is a far + more magnificent work than even the Pont-du-Gard, yet it made a much + less impression on me, perhaps, because my admiration had been already + exhausted on the former object; or that the situation of the latter, in + the midst of a city, was less proper to excite it. This vast and superb + circus is surrounded by small dirty houses, while yet smaller and + dirtier fill up the area, in such a manner that the whole produces an + unequal and confused effect, in which regret and indignation stifle + pleasure and surprise. The amphitheatre at Verona is a vast deal + smaller, and less beautiful than that at Nismes, but preserved with all + possible care and neatness, by which means alone it made a much stronger + and more agreeable impression on me. The French pay no regard to these + things, respect no monument of antiquity; ever eager to undertake, they + never finish, nor preserve anything that is already finished to their + hands. + </p> + <p> + I was so much better, and had gained such an appetite by exercise, that + I stopped a whole day at Pont-du-Lunel, for the sake of good + entertainment and company, this being deservedly esteemed at that time + the best inn in Europe; for those who kept it, knowing how to make its + fortunate situation turn to advantage, took care to provide both + abundance and variety. It was really curious to find in a lonely + country-house, a table every day furnished with sea and fresh-water + fish, excellent game, and choice wines, served up with all the attention + and care, which are only to be expected among the great or opulent, and + all this for thirty five sous each person: but the Pont-du-Lunel did not + long remain on this footing, for the proprietor, presuming too much on + its reputation, at length lost it entirely. + </p> + <p> + During this journey, I really forgot my complaints, but recollected them + again on my arrival at Montpelier. My vapors were absolutely gone, but + every other complaint remained, and though custom had rendered them less + troublesome, they were still sufficient to make any one who had been + suddenly seized with them, suppose himself attacked by some mortal + disease. In effect they were rather alarming than painful, and made the + mind suffer more than the body, though it apparently threatened the + latter with destruction. While my attention was called off by the + vivacity of my passions, I paid no attention to my health; but as my + complaints were not altogether imaginary, I thought of them seriously + when the tumult had subsided. Recollecting the salutary advice of Madam + de Larnage, and the cause of my journey, I consulted the most famous + practitioners, particularly Monsieur Fizes; and through superabundance + of precaution boarded at a doctor's who was an Irishman, and named + Fitz-Morris. + </p> + <p> + This person boarded a number of young gentlemen who were studying + physic; and what rendered his house very commodious for an invalid, he + contented himself with a moderate pension for provisions, lodging, etc., + and took nothing of his boarders for attendance as a physician. He even + undertook to execute the orders of M. Fizes, and endeavored to + re-establish my health. He certainly acquitted himself very well in this + employment; as to regimen, indigestions were not to be gained at his + table; and though I am not much hurt at privations of that kind, the + objects of comparison were so near, that I could not help thinking with + myself sometimes, that M. de Torignan was a much better provider than M. + Fitz-Morris; notwithstanding, as there was no danger of, dying with + hunger, and all the youths were gay and good-humored, I believe this + manner of living was really serviceable, and prevented my falling into + those languors I had latterly been so subject to. I passed the morning + in taking medicines, particularly, I know not what kind of waters, but + believe they were those of Vals, and in writing to Madam de Larnage: for + the correspondence was regularly kept up, and Rousseau kindly undertook + to receive these letters for his good friend Dudding. At noon I took a + walk to the Canourgue, with some of our young boarders, who were all + very good lads; after this we assembled for dinner; when this was over, + an affair of importance employed the greater part of us till night; this + was going a little way out of town to take our afternoon's collation, + and make up two or three parties at mall, or mallet. As I had neither + strength nor skill, I did not play myself but I betted on the game, and, + interested for the success of my wager, followed the players and their + balls over rough and stony roads, procuring by this means both an + agreeable and salutary exercise. We took our afternoon's refreshment at + an inn out of the city. I need not observe that these meetings were + extremely merry, but should not omit that they were equally innocent, + though the girls of the house were very pretty. M. Fitz-Morris (who was + a great mall player himself) was our president; and I must observe, + notwithstanding the imputation of wildness that is generally bestowed on + students, that I found more virtuous dispositions among these youths + than could easily be found among an equal number of men: they were + rather noisy than fond of wine, and more merry than libertine. + </p> + <p> + I accustomed myself so much to this mode of life, and it accorded so + entirely with my humor, that I should have been very well content with a + continuance of it. Several of my fellow-boarders were Irish, from whom I + endeavored to learn some English words, as a precaution for + Saint-Andiol. The time now drew near for my departure; every letter + Madam de Larnage wrote, she entreated me not to delay it, and at length + I prepared to obey her. + </p> + <p> + I was convinced that the physicians (who understood nothing of my + disorder) looked on my complaint as imaginary, and treated me + accordingly, with their waters and whey. In this respect physicians and + philosophers differ widely from theologians; admitting the truth only of + what they can explain, and making their knowledge the measure of + possibilities. These gentlemen understood nothing of my illness, + therefore concluded I could not be ill; and who would presume to doubt + the profound skill of a physician? I plainly saw they only meant to + amuse, and make me swallow my money; and judging their substitute at + Saint-Andiol would do me quite as much service, and be infinitely more + agreeable, I resolved to give her the preference; full, therefore, of + this wise resolution, I quitted Montpelier. + </p> + <p> + I set off towards the end of November, after a stay of six weeks or two + months in that city, where I left a dozen louis, without either my + health or understanding being the better for it, except from a short + course of anatomy begun under M. Fitz-Morris, which I was soon obliged + to abandon, from the horrid stench of the bodies he dissected, which I + found it impossible to endure. + </p> + <p> + Not thoroughly satisfied in my own mind on the rectitude of this + expedition, as I advanced towards the Bridge of St. Esprit (which was + equally the road to Saint-Andiol and to Chambery) I began to reflect on + Madam de Warrens, the remembrance of whose letters, though less frequent + than those from Madam de Larnage, awakened in my heart a remorse that + passion had stifled in the first part of my journey, but which became so + lively on my return, that, setting just estimate on the love of + pleasure, I found myself in such a situation of mind that I could listen + wholly to the voice of reason. Besides, in continuing to act the part of + an adventurer, I might be less fortunate than I had been in the + beginning; for it was only necessary that in all Saint-Andiol there + should be one person who had been in England, or who knew the English or + anything of their language, to prove me an impostor. The family of Madam + de Larnage might not be pleased with me, and would, perhaps, treat me + unpolitely; her daughter too made me uneasy, for, spite of myself, I + thought more of her than was necessary. I trembled lest I should fall in + love with this girl, and that very fear had already half done the + business. Was I going, in return for the mother's kindness, to seek the + ruin of the daughter? To sow dissension, dishonor, scandal, and hell + itself, in her family? The very idea struck me with horror, and I took + the firmest resolution to combat and vanquish this unhappy attachment, + should I be so unfortunate as to experience it. But why expose myself to + this danger? How miserable must the situation be to live with the + mother, whom I should be weary of, and sigh for the daughter, without + daring to make known my affection! What necessity was there to seek this + situation, and expose myself to misfortunes, affronts and remorse, for + the sake of pleasures whose greatest charm was already exhausted? For I + was sensible this attachment had lost its first vivacity. With these + thoughts were mingled reflections relative to my situation and duty to + that good and generous friend, who already loaded with debts, would + become more so from the foolish expenses I was running into, and whom I + was deceiving so unworthily. This reproach at length became so keen that + it triumphed over every temptation, and on approaching the bridge of St. + Esprit I formed the resolution to burn my whole magazine of letters from + Saint-Andiol, and continue my journey right forward to Chambery. + </p> + <p> + I executed this resolution courageously, with some sighs I confess, but + with the heart-felt satisfaction, which I enjoyed for the first time in + my life, of saying, "I merit my own esteem, and know how to prefer duty + to pleasure." This was the first real obligation I owed my books, since + these had taught me to reflect and compare. After the virtuous + principles I had so lately adopted, after all the rules of wisdom and + honor I had proposed to myself, and felt so proud to follow, the shame + of possessing so little stability, and contradicting so egregiously my + own maxims, triumphed over the allurements of pleasure. Perhaps, after + all, pride had as much share in my resolution as virtue; but if this + pride is not virtue itself, its effects are so similar that we are + pardonable in deceiving ourselves. + </p> + <p> + One advantage resulting from good actions is that they elevate the soul + to a disposition of attempting still better; for such is human weakness, + that we must place among our good deeds an abstinence from those crimes + we are tempted to commit. No sooner was my resolution confirmed than I + became another man, or rather, I became what I was before I had erred, + and saw in its true colors what the intoxication of the moment had + either concealed or disguised. Full of worthy sentiments and wise + resolutions, I continued my journey, intending to regulate my future + conduct by the laws of virtue, and dedicate myself without reserve to + that best of friends, to whom I vowed as much fidelity in future as I + felt real attachment. The sincerity of this return to virtue appeared to + promise a better destiny; but mine, alas! was fixed, and already begun: + even at the very moment when my heart, full of good and virtuous + sentiments, was contemplating only innocence and happiness through life, + I touched on the fatal period that was to draw after it the long chain + of my misfortunes! + </p> + <p> + My impatience to arrive at Chambery had made me use more diligence than + I meant to do. I had sent a letter from Valence, mentioning the day and + hour I should arrive, but I had gained half a day on this calculation, + which time I passed at Chaparillan, that I might arrive exactly at the + time I mentioned. I wished to enjoy to its full extent the pleasure of + seeing her, and preferred deferring this happiness a little, that + expectancy might increase the value of it. This precaution had always + succeeded; hitherto my arrival had caused a little holiday; I expected + no less this time, and these preparations, so dear to me, would have + been well worth the trouble of contriving them. + </p> + <p> + I arrived then exactly at the hour, and while at a considerable + distance, looked forward with an expectancy of seeing her on the road to + meet me. The beating of my heart increased as I drew near the house; at + length I arrived, quite out of breath; for I had left my chaise in the + town. I see no one in the garden, at the door, or at the windows; I am + seized with terror, fearful that some accident has happened. I enter; + all is quiet; the laborers are eating their luncheon in the kitchen, and + far from observing any preparation, the servants seem surprised to see + me, not knowing I was expected. I go up—stairs, at length see her!—that + dear friend! so tenderly, truly, and entirely beloved. I instantly ran + towards her, and threw myself at her feet. "Ah! child!" said she, "art + thou returned then!" embracing me at the same time. "Have you had a good + journey? How do you do?" This reception amused me for some moments. I + then asked, whether she had received my letter? she answered "Yes."—"I + should have thought not," replied I; and the information concluded + there. A young man was with her at this time. I recollected having seen + him in the house before my departure, but at present he seemed + established there; in short, he was so; I found my place already + supplied! + </p> + <p> + This young man came from the country of Vaud; his father, named + Vintzenried, was keeper of the prison, or, as he expressed himself, + Captain of the Castle of Chillon. This son of the captain was a + journeyman peruke-maker, and gained his living in that capacity when he + first presented himself to Madam de Warrens, who received him kindly, as + she did all comers, particularly those from her own country. He was a + tall, fair, silly youth; well enough made, with an unmeaning face, and a + mind of the same description, speaking always like the beau in a comedy, + and mingling the manners and customs of his former situation with a long + history of his gallantry and success; naming, according to his account, + not above half the marchionesses who had favored him and pretending + never to have dressed the head of a pretty woman, without having + likewise decorated her husband's; vain, foolish, ignorant and insolent; + such was the worthy substitute taken in my absence, and the companion + offered me on my return! + </p> + <p> + O! if souls disengaged from their terrestrial bonds, yet view from the + bosom of eternal light what passes here below, pardon, dear and + respectable shade, that I show no more favor to your failings than my + own, but equally unveil both. I ought and will be just to you as to + myself; but how much less will you lose by this resolution than I shall! + How much do your amiable and gentle disposition, your inexhaustible + goodness of heart, your frankness and other amiable virtues, compensate + for your foibles, if a subversion of reason alone can be called such. + You had errors, but not vices; your conduct was reprehensible, but your + heart was ever pure. + </p> + <p> + The new-comer had shown himself zealous and exact in all her little + commissions, which were ever numerous, and he diligently overlooked the + laborers. As noisy and insolent as I was quiet and forbearing, he was + seen or rather heard at the plough, in the hay-loft, wood-house, stable, + farm-yard, at the same instant. He neglected the gardening, this labor + being too peaceful and moderate; his chief pleasure was to load or drive + the cart, to saw or cleave wood; he was never seen without a hatchet or + pick-axe in his hand, running, knocking and hallooing with all his + might. I know not how many men's labor he performed, but he certainly + made noise enough for ten or a dozen at least. All this bustle imposed + on poor Madam de Warrens; she thought this young man a treasure, and, + willing to attach him to herself, employed the means she imagined + necessary for that purpose, not forgetting what she most depended on, + the surrender of her person. + </p> + <p> + Those who have thus far read this work should be able to form some + judgment of my heart; its sentiments were the most constant and sincere, + particularly those which had brought me back to Chambery; what a sudden + and complete overthrow was this to my whole being! but to judge fully of + this, the reader must place himself for a moment in my situation. I saw + all the future felicity I had promised myself vanish in a moment; all + the charming ideas I had indulged so affectionately, disappear entirely; + and I, who even from childhood had not been able to consider my + existence for a moment as separate from hers, for the first time saw + myself utterly alone. This moment was dreadful, and those that succeeded + it were ever gloomy. I was yet young, but the pleasing sentiments of + enjoyment and hope, which enliven youth, were extinguished. From that + hour my existence seemed half annihilated. I contemplated in advance the + melancholy remains of an insipid life, and if at any time an image of + happiness glanced through my mind, it was not that which appeared + natural to me, and I felt that even should I obtain it I must still be + wretched. + </p> + <p> + I was so dull of apprehension, and my confidence in her was so great, + that, notwithstanding the familiar tone of the new-comer, which I looked + on as an effect of the easy disposition of Madam de Warrens, which + rendered her free with everyone, I never should have suspected his real + situation had not she herself informed me of it; but she hastened to + make this avowal with a freedom calculated to inflame me with + resentment, could my heart have turned to that point. Speaking of this + connection as quite immaterial with respect to herself, she reproached + me with negligence in the care of the family, and mentioned my frequent + absence, as though she had been in haste to supply my place. "Ah!" said + I, my heart bursting with the most poignant grief, "what do you dare to + inform me of? Is this the reward of an attachment like mine? Have you so + many times preserved my life, for the sole purpose of taking from me all + that could render it desirable? Your infidelity will bring me to the + grave, but you will regret my loss!" She answered with a tranquillity + sufficient to distract me, that I talked like a child; that people did + not die from such slight causes; that our friendship need be no less + sincere, nor we any less intimate, for that her tender attachment to me + could neither diminish nor end but with herself; in a word she gave me + to understand that my happiness need not suffer any decrease from the + good fortune of this new favorite. + </p> + <p> + Never did the purity, truth and force of my attachment to her appear + more evident; never did I feel the sincerity and honesty of my soul more + forcibly, than at that moment. I threw myself at her feet, embracing her + knees with torrents of tears. "No, madam," replied I, with the most + violent agitation, "I love you too much to disgrace you thus far, and + too truly to share you; the regret that accompanied the first + acquisition of your favors has continued to increase with my affection. + I cannot preserve them by so violent an augmentation of it. You shall + ever have my adoration: be worthy of it; to me that is more necessary + than all you can bestow. It is to you, O my dearest friend! that I + resign my rights; it is to the union of our hearts that I sacrifice my + pleasure; rather would I perish a thousand times than thus degrade her I + love." + </p> + <p> + I preserved this resolution with a constancy worthy, I may say, of the + sentiment that gave it birth. From this moment I saw this beloved woman + but with the eyes of a real son. It should be remarked here, that this + resolve did not meet her private approbation, as I too well perceived; + yet she never employed the least art to make me renounce it either by + insinuating proposals, caresses, or any of those means which women so + well know how to employ without exposing themselves to violent censure, + and which seldom fail to succeed. Reduced to seek a fate independent of + hers, and not able to devise one, I passed to the other extreme, placing + my happiness so absolutely in her, that I became almost regardless of + myself. The ardent desire to see her happy, at any rate, absorbed all my + affections; it was in vain she endeavored to separate her felicity from + mine, I felt I had a part in it, spite of every impediment. + </p> + <p> + Thus those virtues whose seeds in my heart begun to spring up with my + misfortunes: they had been cultivated by study, and only waited the + fermentation of adversity to become prolific. The first-fruit of this + disinterested disposition was to put from my heart every sentiment of + hatred and envy against him who had supplanted me. I even sincerely + wished to attach myself to this young man; to form and educate him; to + make him sensible of his happiness, and, if possible, render him worthy + of it; in a word, to do for him what Anet had formerly done for me. But + the similarity of dispositions was wanting. More insinuating and + enlightened than Anet, I possessed neither his coolness, fortitude, nor + commanding strength of character, which I must have had in order to + succeed. Neither did the young man possess those qualities which Anet + found in me; such as gentleness, gratitude, and above all, the knowledge + of a want of his instructions, and an ardent desire to render them + useful. All these were wanting; the person I wished to improve, saw in + me nothing but an importunate, chattering pedant: while on the contrary + he admired his own importance in the house, measuring the services he + thought he rendered by the noise he made, and looking on his saws, + hatchets, and pick-axes, as infinitely more useful than all my old + books: and, perhaps, in this particular, he might not be altogether + blamable; but he gave himself a number of airs sufficient to make anyone + die with laughter. With the peasants he assumed the airs of a country + gentleman; presently he did as much with me, and at length with Madam de + Warrens herself. His name, Vintzenried, did not appear noble enough, he + therefore changed it to that of Monsieur de Courtilles, and by the + latter appellation he was known at Chambery, and in Maurienne, where he + married. + </p> + <p> + At length this illustrious personage gave himself such airs of + consequence, that he was everything in the house, and myself nothing. + When I had the misfortune to displease him, he scolded Madam de Warrens, + and a fear of exposing her to his brutality rendered me subservient to + all his whims, so that every time he cleaved wood (an office which he + performed with singular pride) it was necessary I should be an idle + spectator and admirer of his prowess. This lad was not, however, of a + bad disposition; he loved Madam de Warrens, indeed it was impossible to + do otherwise; nor had he any aversion even to me, and when he happened + to be out of his airs would listen to our admonitions, and frankly own + he was a fool; yet notwithstanding these acknowledgements his follies + continued in the same proportion. His knowledge was so contracted, and + his inclinations so mean, that it was useless to reason, and almost + impossible to be pleased with him. Not content with a most charming + woman, he amused himself with an old red-haired, toothless waiting-maid, + whose unwelcome service Madam de Warrens had the patience to endure, + though it was absolutely disgusting. I soon perceived this new + inclination, and was exasperated at it; but I saw something else, which + affected me yet more, and made a deeper impression on me than anything + had hitherto done; this was a visible coldness in the behavior of Madam + de Warrens towards me. + </p> + <p> + The privation I had imposed on myself, and which she affected to + approve, is one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive. + Take the most sensible; the most philosophic female, one the least + attached to pleasure, and slighting her favors, if within your reach, + will be found the most unpardonable crime, even though she may care + nothing for the man. This rule is certainly without exception; since a + sympathy so natural and ardent was impaired in her, by an abstinence + founded only on virtue, attachment and esteem, I no longer found with + her that union of hearts which constituted all the happiness of mine; + she seldom sought me but when we had occasion to complain of this + new-comer, for when they were agreed, I enjoyed but little of her + confidence, and, at length, was scarcely ever consulted in her affairs. + She seemed pleased, indeed, with my company, but had I passed whole days + without seeing her she would hardly have missed me. + </p> + <p> + Insensibly, I found myself desolate and alone in that house where I had + formerly been the very soul; where, if I may so express myself, I had + enjoyed a double life, and by degrees, I accustomed myself to disregard + everything that, passed, and even those who dwelt there. To avoid + continual mortifications, I shut myself up with my books, or else wept + and sighed unnoticed in the woods. This life soon became insupportable; + I felt that the presence of a woman so dear to me, while estranged from + her heart, increased my unhappiness, and was persuaded, that, ceasing to + see her, I should feel myself less cruelly separated. + </p> + <p> + I resolved, therefore, to quit the house, mentioned it to her, and she, + far from opposing my resolution, approved it. She had an acquaintance at + Grenoble, called Madam de Deybens, whose husband was on terms of + friendship with Monsieur Malby, chief Provost of Lyons. M. Deybens + proposed my educating M. Malby's children; I accepted this offer, and + departed for Lyons without causing, and almost without feeling, the + least regret at a separation, the bare idea of which, a few months + before, would have given us both the most excruciating torments. + </p> + <p> + I had almost as much knowledge as was necessary for a tutor, and + flattered myself that my method would be unexceptionable; but the year I + passed at M. Malby's was sufficient to undeceive me in that particular. + The natural gentleness of my disposition seemed calculated for the + employment, if hastiness had not been mingled with it. While things went + favorably, and I saw the pains (which I did not spare) succeed, I was an + angel; but a devil when they went contrary. If my pupils did not + understand me, I was hasty, and when they showed any symptoms of an + untoward disposition, I was so provoked that I could have killed them; + which behavior was not likely to render them either good or wise. I had + two under my care, and they were of very different tempers. St. Marie, + who was between eight and nine years old, had a good person and quick + apprehension, was giddy, lively, playful and mischievous; but his + mischief was ever good-humored. The younger one, named Condillac, + appeared stupid and fretful, was headstrong as a mule, and seemed + incapable of instruction. It may be supposed that between both I did not + want employment, yet with patience and temper I might have succeeded; + but wanting both, I did nothing worth mentioning, and my pupils profited + very little. I could only make use of three means, which are very weak, + and often pernicious with children; namely, sentiment, reasoning, + passion. I sometimes exerted myself so much with St. Marie, that I could + not refrain from tears, and wished to excite similar sensations in him; + as if it was reasonable to suppose a child could be susceptible to such + emotions. Sometimes I exhausted myself in reasoning, as if persuaded he + could comprehend me; and as he frequently formed very subtle arguments, + concluded he must be reasonable, because he bid fair to be so good a + logician. + </p> + <p> + The little Condillac was still more embarrassing; for he neither + understood, answered, nor was concerned at anything; he was of an + obstinacy beyond belief, and was never happier than when he had + succeeded in putting me in a rage; then, indeed, he was the philosopher, + and I the child. I was conscious of all my faults, studied the tempers + of my pupils, and became acquainted with them; but where was the use of + seeing the evil, without being able to apply a remedy? My penetration + was unavailing, since it never prevented any mischief; and everything I + undertook failed, because all I did to effect my designs was precisely + what I ought not to have done. + </p> + <p> + I was not more fortunate in what had only reference to myself, than in + what concerned my pupils. Madam Deybens, in recommending me to her + friend Madam de Malby, had requested her to form my manners, and + endeavor to give me an air of the world. She took some pains on this + account, wishing to teach me how to do the honors of the house; but I + was so awkward, bashful, and stupid, that she found it necessary to stop + there. This, however, did not prevent me from falling in love with her, + according to my usual custom; I even behaved in such a manner, that she + could not avoid observing it; but I never durst declare my passion; and + as the lady never seemed in a humor to make advances, I soon became + weary of my sighs and ogling, being convinced they answered no manner of + purpose. + </p> + <p> + I had quite lost my inclination for little thieveries while with Madam + de Warrens; indeed, as everything belonged to me, there was nothing to + steal; besides, the elevated notions I had imbibed ought to have + rendered me in future above such meanness, and generally speaking they + certainly did so; but this rather proceeded from my having learned to + conquer temptations, than having succeeded in rooting out the + propensity, and I should even now greatly dread stealing, as in my + infancy, were I yet subject to the same inclinations. I had a proof of + this at M. Malby's, when, though surrounded by a number of little things + that I could easily have pilfered, and which appeared no temptation, I + took it into my head to covert some white Arbois wine, some glasses of + which I had drank at table, and thought delicious. It happened to be + rather thick, and as I fancied myself an excellent finer of wine, I + mentioned my skill, and this was accordingly trusted to my care, but in + attempting to mend, I spoiled it, though to the sight only, for it + remained equally agreeable to the taste. Profiting by this opportunity, + I furnished myself from time to time with a few bottles to drink in my + own apartment; but unluckily, I could never drink without eating; the + difficulty lay therefore, in procuring bread. It was impossible to make + a reserve of this article, and to have it brought by the footman was + discovering myself, and insulting the master of the house; I could not + bear to purchase it myself; how could a fine gentleman, with a sword at + his side, enter a baker's shop to buy a small loaf of bread? it was + utterly impossible. At length I recollected the thoughtless saying of a + great princess, who, on being informed that the country people had no + bread, replied, "Then let them eat pastry!" Yet even this resource was + attended with a difficulty. I sometimes went out alone for this very + purpose, running over the whole city, and passing thirty pastry cook's + shops, without daring to enter any one of them. In the first place, it + was necessary there should be only one person in the shop, and that + person's physiognomy must be so encouraging as to give me confidence to + pass the threshold; but when once the dear little cake was procured, and + I shut up in my chamber with that and a bottle of wine, taken cautiously + from the bottom of a cupboard, how much did I enjoy drinking my wine, + and reading a few pages of a novel; for when I have no company I always + wish to read while eating; it seems a substitute for society, and I + dispatch alternately a page and a morsel; 'tis indeed, as if my book + dined with me. + </p> + <p> + I was neither dissolute nor sottish, never in my whole life having been + intoxicated with liquor; my little thefts were not very indiscreet, yet + they were discovered; the bottles betrayed me, and though no notice was + taken of it, I had no longer the management of the cellar. In all this + Monsieur Malby conducted himself with prudence and politeness, being + really a very deserving man, who, under a manner as harsh as his + employment, concealed a real gentleness of disposition and uncommon + goodness of heart: he was judicious, equitable, and (what would not be + expected from an officer of the Marechausse) very humane. + </p> + <p> + Sensible of his indulgence, I became greatly attached to him, which made + my stay at Lyons longer than it would otherwise have been; but at + length, disgusted with an employment which I was not calculated for, and + a situation of great confinement, consequently disagreeable to me, after + a year's trial, during which time I spared no pains to fulfill my + engagement, I determined to quit my pupils; being convinced I should + never succeed in educating them properly. Monsieur Malby saw this as + clearly as myself, though I am inclined to think he would never have + dismissed me had I not spared him the trouble, which was an excess of + condescension in this particular, that I certainly cannot justify. + </p> + <p> + What rendered my situation yet more insupportable was the comparison I + was continually drawing between the life I now led and that which I had + quitted; the remembrance of my dear Charmettes, my garden, trees, + fountain and orchard, but, above all, the company of her who was born to + give life and soul to every other enjoyment. On calling to mind our + pleasures and innocent life, I was seized with such oppressions and + heaviness of heart, as deprived me of the power of performing anything + as it should be. A hundred times was I tempted instantly to set off on + foot to my dear Madam de Warrens, being persuaded that could I once more + see her, I should be content to die that moment: in fine, I could no + longer resist the tender emotions which recalled me back to her, + whatever it might cost me. I accused myself of not having been + sufficiently patient, complaisant and kind; concluding I might yet live + happily with her on the terms of tender friendship, and by showing more + for her than I had hitherto done. I formed the finest projects in the + world, burned to execute them, left all, renounced everything, departed, + fled, and arriving in all the transports of my early youth, found myself + once more at her feet. Alas! I should have died there with joy, had I + found in her reception, in her embrace, or in her heart, one-quarter of + what I had formerly found there, and which I yet found the undiminished + warmth of. + </p> + <p> + Fearful illusions of transitory things, how often dost thou torment us + in vain! She received me with that excellence of heart which could only + die with her; but I sought the influence there which could never be + recalled, and had hardly been half an hour with her before I was once + more convinced that my former happiness had vanished forever, and that I + was in the same melancholy situation which I had been obliged to fly + from; yet without being able to accuse any person with my unhappiness, + for Courtilles really was not to blame, appearing to see my return with + more pleasure than dissatisfaction. But how could I bear to be a + secondary person with her to whom I had been everything, and who could + never cease being such to me? How could I live an alien in that house + where I had been the child? The sight of every object that had been + witness to my former happiness, rendered the comparison yet more + distressing; I should have suffered less in any other habitation, for + this incessantly recalled such pleasing remembrances, that it was + irritating the recollection of my loss. + </p> + <p> + Consumed with vain regrets, given up to the most gloomy melancholy, I + resumed the custom of remaining alone, except at meals; shut up with my + books, I sought to give some useful diversion to my ideas, and feeling + the imminent danger of want, which I had so long dreaded, I sought means + to prepare for and receive it, when Madam de Warrens should have no + other resource. I had placed her household on a footing not to become + worse; but since my departure everything had been altered. He who now + managed her affairs was a spendthrift, and wished to make a great + appearance; such as keeping a good horse with elegant trappings; loved + to appear gay in the eyes of the neighbors, and was perpetually + undertaking something he did not understand. Her pension was taken up in + advance, her rent was in arrears, debts of every kind continued to + accumulate; I could plainly foresee that her pension would be seized, + and perhaps suppressed; in short, I expected nothing but ruin and + misfortune, and the moment appeared to approach so rapidly that I + already felt all its horrors. + </p> + <p> + My closet was my only amusement, and after a tedious search for remedies + for the sufferings of my mind, I determined to seek some against the + evil of distressing circumstances, which I daily expected would fall + upon us, and returning to my old chimeras, behold me once more building + castles in the air to relieve this dear friend from the cruel + extremities into which I saw her ready to fall. I did not believe myself + wise enough to shine in the republic of letters, or to stand any chance + of making a fortune by that means; a new idea, therefore, inspired me + with that confidence, which the mediocrity of my talents could not + impart. + </p> + <p> + In ceasing to teach music I had not abandoned the thoughts of it; on the + contrary, I had studied the theory sufficiently to consider myself well + informed on the subject. When reflecting on the trouble it had cost me + to read music, and the great difficulty I yet experienced in singing at + sight, I began to think the fault might as well arise from the manner of + noting as from my own dulness, being sensible it was an art which most + people find difficult to understand. By examining the formation of the + signs, I was convinced they were frequently very ill devised. I had + before thought of marking the gamut by figures, to prevent the trouble + of having lines to draw, on noting the plainest air; but had been + stopped by the difficulty of the octaves, and by the distinction of + measure and quantity: this idea returned again to my mind, and on a + careful revision of it, I found the difficulties by no means + insurmountable. I pursued it successfully, and was at length able to + note any music whatever by figures, with the greatest exactitude and + simplicity. From this moment I supposed my fortune made, and in the + ardor of sharing it with her to whom I owed everything, thought only of + going to Paris, not doubting that on presenting my project to the + Academy, it would be adopted with rapture. I had brought some money from + Lyons; I augmented this stock by the sale of my books, and in the course + of a fortnight my resolution was both formed and executed: in short, + full of the magnificent ideas it had inspired, and which were common to + me on every occasion, I departed from Savoy with my new system of music, + as I had formerly done from Turin with my heron-fountain. + </p> + <p> + Such have been the errors and faults of my youth; I have related the + history of them with a fidelity which my heart approves; if my riper + years were dignified with some virtues, I should have related them with + the same frankness; it was my intention to have done this, but I must + forego this pleasing task and stop here. Time, which renders justice to + the characters of most men, may withdraw the veil; and should my memory + reach posterity, they may one day discover what I had to say—they + will then understand why I am now silent. + </p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> <a name="link7"></a> <br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK VII. + </h1> + <br /><br /> + <p> + After two years' silence and patience, and notwithstanding my + resolutions, I again take up my pen: Reader, suspend your judgment as to + the reasons which force me to such a step: of these you can be no judge + until you shall have read my book. + </p> + <p> + My peaceful youth has been seen to pass away calmly and agreeably + without any great disappointments or remarkable prosperity. This + mediocrity was mostly owing to my ardent yet feeble nature, less prompt + in undertaking than easy to discourage; quitting repose for violent + agitations, but returning to it from lassitude and inclinations, and + which, placing me in an idle and tranquil state for which alone I felt I + was born, at a distance from the paths of great virtues and still + further from those of great vices, never permitted me to arrive at + anything great, either good or bad. What a different account will I soon + have to give of myself! Fate, which for thirty years forced my + inclinations, for thirty others has seemed to oppose them; and this + continued opposition, between my situation and inclinations, will appear + to have been the source of enormous faults, unheard of misfortunes, and + every virtue except that fortitude which alone can do honor to + adversity. + </p> + <p> + The history of the first part of my life was written from memory, and is + consequently full of errors. As I am obliged to write the second part + from memory also, the errors in it will probably be still more numerous. + The agreeable remembrance of the finest portion of my years, passed with + so much tranquillity and innocence, has left in my heart a thousand + charming impressions which I love incessantly to call to my + recollection. It will soon appear how different from these those of the + rest of my life have been. To recall them to my mind would be to renew + their bitterness. Far from increasing that of my situation by these + sorrowful reflections, I repel them as much as possible, and in this + endeavor often succeed so well as to be unable to find them at will. + This facility of forgetting my misfortunes is a consolation which Heaven + has reserved to me in the midst of those which fate has one day to + accumulate upon my head. My memory, which presents to me no objects but + such as are agreeable, is the happy counterpoise of my terrified + imagination, by which I foresee nothing but a cruel futurity. + </p> + <p> + All the papers I had collected to aid my recollection, and guide me in + this undertaking, are no longer in my possession, nor can I ever again + hope to regain them. + </p> + <p> + I have but one faithful guide on which I can depend: this is the chain + of the sentiments by which the succession of my existence has been + marked, and by these the events which have been either the cause or the + effect of the manner of it. I easily forget my misfortunes, but I cannot + forget my faults, and still less my virtuous sentiments. The remembrance + of these is too dear to me ever to suffer them to be effaced from my + mind. I may omit facts, transpose events, and fall into some errors of + dates; but I cannot be deceived in what I have felt, nor in that which + from sentiment I have done; and to relate this is the chief end of my + present work. The real object of my confessions is to communicate an + exact knowledge of what I interiorly am and have been in every situation + of my life. I have promised the history of my mind, and to write it + faithfully I have no need of other memoirs: to enter into my own heart, + as I have hitherto done, will alone be sufficient. + </p> + <p> + There is, however, and very happily, an interval of six or seven years, + relative to which I have exact references, in a collection of letters + copied from the originals, in the hands of M. du Peyrou. This + collection, which concludes in 1760, comprehends the whole time of my + residence at the hermitage, and my great quarrel with those who called + themselves my friends; that memorable epocha of my life, and the source + of all my other misfortunes. With respect to more recent original + letters which may remain in my possession, and are but few in number, + instead of transcribing them at the end of this collection, too + voluminous to enable me to deceive the vigilance of my Arguses, I will + copy them into the work whenever they appear to furnish any explanation, + be this either for or against myself; for I am not under the least + apprehension lest the reader should forget I make my confession, and be + induced to believe I make my apology; but he cannot expect I shall + conceal the truth when it testifies in my favor. + </p> + <p> + The second part, it is likewise to be remembered, contains nothing in + common with the first, except truth; nor has any other advantage over + it, but the importance of the facts; in everything else, it is inferior + to the former. I wrote the first with pleasure, with satisfaction, and + at my ease, at Wootton, or in the castle Trie: everything I had to + recollect was a new enjoyment. I returned to my closet with an increased + pleasure, and, without constraint, gave that turn to my descriptions + which most flattered my imagination. + </p> + <p> + At present my head and memory are become so weak as to render me almost + incapable of every kind of application: my present undertaking is the + result of constraint, and a heart full of sorrow. I have nothing to + treat of but misfortunes, treacheries, perfidies, and circumstances + equally afflicting. I would give the world, could I bury in the + obscurity of time, every thing I have to say, and which, in spite of + myself, I am obliged to relate. I am, at the same time, under the + necessity of being mysterious and subtle, of endeavoring to impose and + of descending to things the most foreign to my nature. The ceiling under + which I write has eyes; the walls of my chamber have ears. Surrounded by + spies and by vigilant and malevolent inspectors, disturbed, and my + attention diverted, I hastily commit to paper a few broken sentences, + which I have scarcely time to read, and still less to correct. I know + that, notwithstanding the barriers which are multiplied around me, my + enemies are afraid truth should escape by some little opening. What + means can I take to introduce it to the world? This, however, I attempt + with but few hopes of success. The reader will judge whether or not such + a situation furnishes the means of agreeable descriptions, or of giving + them a seductive coloring! I therefore inform such as may undertake to + read this work, that nothing can secure them from weariness in the + prosecution of their task, unless it be the desire of becoming more + fully acquainted with a man whom they already know, and a sincere love + of justice and truth. + </p> + <p> + In my first part I brought down my narrative to my departure with + infinite regret from Paris, leaving my heart at Charmettes, and, there + building my last castle in the air, intending some day to return to the + feet of mamma, restored to herself, with the treasures I should have + acquired, and depending upon my system of music as upon a certain + fortune. + </p> + <p> + I made some stay at Lyons to visit my acquaintance, procure letters of + recommendation to Paris, and to sell my books of geometry which I had + brought with me. I was well received by all whom I knew. M. and Madam de + Malby seemed pleased to see me again, and several times invited me to + dinner. At their house I became acquainted with the Abbe de Malby, as I + had already done with the Abbe de Condillac, both of whom were on a + visit to their brother. The Abbe de Malby gave me letters to Paris; + among others, one to M. de Pontenelle, and another to the Comte de + Caylus. These were very agreeable acquaintances, especially the first, + to whose friendship for me his death only put a period, and from whom, + in our private conversations, I received advice which I ought to have + more exactly followed. + </p> + <p> + I likewise saw M. Bordes, with whom I had been long acquainted, and who + had frequently obliged me with the greatest cordiality and the most real + pleasure. He it was who enabled me to sell my books; and he also gave me + from himself good recommendations to Paris. I again saw the intendant + for whose acquaintance I was indebted to M. Bordes, and who introduced + me to the Duke de Richelieu, who was then passing through Lyons. M. + Pallu presented me. The Duke received me well, and invited me to come + and see him at Paris; I did so several times; although this great + acquaintance, of which I shall frequently have occasion to speak, was + never of the most trifling utility to me. + </p> + <p> + I visited the musician David, who, in one of my former journeys, and in + my distress, had rendered me service. He had either lent or given me a + cap and a pair of stockings, which I have never returned, nor has he + ever asked me for them, although we have since that time frequently seen + each other. I, however, made him a present, something like an + equivalent. I would say more upon this subject, were what I have owned + in question; but I have to speak of what I have done, which, + unfortunately, is far from being the same thing. + </p> + <p> + I also saw the noble and generous Perrichon, and not without feeling the + effects of his accustomed munificence; for he made me the same present + he had previously done to the elegant Bernard, by paying for my place in + the diligence. I visited the surgeon Parisot, the best and most + benevolent of men; as also his beloved Godefroi, who had lived with him + ten years, and whose merit chiefly consisted in her gentle manners and + goodness of heart. It was impossible to see this woman without pleasure, + or to leave her without regret. Nothing better shows the inclinations of + a man, than the nature of his attachments. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [Unless he be deceived in his choice, or that she, to whom he attaches + himself, changes her character by an extraordinary concurrence of + causes, which is not absolutely impossible. Were this consequence to + be admitted without modification, Socrates must be judged of by his + wife Xantippe, and Dion by his friend Calippus, which would be the + most false and iniquitous judgment ever made. However, let no + injurious application be here made to my wife. She is weak and more + easily deceived than I at first imagined, but by her pure and + excellent character she is worthy of all my esteem.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + Those who had once seen the gentle Godefroi, immediately knew the good + and amiable Parisot. + </p> + <p> + I was much obliged to all these good people, but I afterwards neglected + them all; not from ingratitude, but from that invincible indolence which + so often assumes its appearance. The remembrance of their services has + never been effaced from my mind, nor the impression they made from my + heart; but I could more easily have proved my gratitude, than + assiduously have shown them the exterior of that sentiment. Exactitude + in correspondence is what I never could observe; the moment I began to + relax, the shame and embarrassment of repairing my fault made me + aggravate it, and I entirely desist from writing; I have, therefore, + been silent, and appeared to forget them. Parisot and Perrichon took not + the least notice of my negligence, and I ever found them the same. But, + twenty years afterwards it will be seen, in M. Bordes, to what a degree + the self-love of a wit can make him carry his vengeance when he feels + himself neglected. + </p> + <p> + Before I leave Lyons, I must not forget an amiable person, whom I again + saw with more pleasure than ever, and who left in my heart the most + tender remembrance. This was Mademoiselle Serre, of whom I have spoken + in my first part; I renewed my acquaintance with her whilst I was at M. + de Malby's. + </p> + <p> + Being this time more at leisure, I saw her more frequently, and she made + the most sensible impressions on my heart. I had some reason to believe + her own was not unfavorable to my pretensions; but she honored me with + her confidence so far as to remove from me all temptation to allure her + partiality. + </p> + <p> + She had no fortune, and in this respect exactly resembled myself; our + situations were too similar to permit us to become united; and with the + views I then had, I was far from thinking of marriage. She gave me to + understand that a young merchant, one M. Geneve, seemed to wish to + obtain her hand. I saw him once or twice at her lodgings; he appeared to + me to be an honest man, and this was his general character. Persuaded + she would be happy with him, I was desirous he should marry her, which + he afterwards did; and that I might not disturb their innocent love, I + hastened my departure; offering up, for the happiness of that charming + woman, prayers, which, here below were not long heard. Alas! her time + was very short, for I afterwards heard she died in the second or third + year after her marriage. My mind, during the journey, was wholly + absorbed in tender regret. I felt, and since that time, when these + circumstances have been present to my recollection, have frequently done + the same; that although the sacrifices made to virtue and our duty may + sometimes be painful, we are well rewarded by the agreeable remembrance + they leave deeply engravers in our hearts. + </p> + <p> + I this time saw Paris in as favorable a point of view as it had appeared + to me in an unfavorable one at my first journey; not that my ideas of + its brilliancy arose from the splendor of my lodgings; for in + consequence of an address given me by M. Bordes, I resided at the Hotel + St. Quentin, Rue des Cordier, near the Sorbonne; a vile street, a + miserable hotel, and a wretched apartment: but nevertheless a house in + which several men of merit, such as Gresset, Bordes, Abbe Malby, + Condillac, and several others, of whom unfortunately I found not one, + had taken up their quarters; but I there met with M. Bonnefond, a man + unacquainted with the world, lame, litigious, and who affected to be a + purist. To him I owe the acquaintance of M. Roguin, at present the + oldest friend I have and by whose means I became acquainted with + Diderot, of whom I shall soon have occasion to say a good deal. + </p> + <p> + I arrived at Paris in the autumn of 1741, with fifteen louis in my + purse, and with my comedy of Narcissus and my musical project in my + pocket. These composed my whole stock; consequently I had not much time + to lose before I attempted to turn the latter to some advantage. I + therefore immediately thought of making use of my recommendations. + </p> + <p> + A young man who arrives at Paris, with a tolerable figure, and announces + himself by his talents, is sure to be well received. This was my good + fortune, which procured me some pleasure without leading to anything + solid. Of all the persons to whom I was recommended, three only were + useful to me. M. Damesin, a gentleman of Savoy, at that time equerry, + and I believe favorite, of the Princess of Carignan; M. de Boze, + Secretary of the Academy of Inscriptions, and keeper of the medals of + the king's cabinet; and Father Castel, a Jesuit, author of the 'Clavecin + oculaire'.—[ocular harpsichord.] + </p> + <p> + All these recommendations, except that to M. Damesin, were given me by + the Abbe de Malby. + </p> + <p> + M. Damesin provided me with that which was most needful, by means of two + persons with whom he brought me acquainted. One was M. Gase, 'president + a mortier' of the parliament of Bordeaux, and who played very well upon + the violin; the other, the Abbe de Leon, who then lodged in the + Sorbonne, a young nobleman; extremely amiable, who died in the flower of + his age, after having, for a few moments, made a figure in the world + under the name of the Chevalier de Rohan. Both these gentlemen had an + inclination to learn composition. In this I gave them lessons for a few + months, by which means my decreasing purse received some little aid. The + Abbe Leon conceived a friendship for me, and wished me to become his + secretary; but he was far from being rich, and all the salary he could + offer me was eight hundred livres, which, with infinite regret, I + refused; since it was insufficient to defray the expenses of my lodging, + food, and clothing. + </p> + <p> + I was well received by M. de Boze. He had a thirst for knowledge, of + which he possessed not a little, but was somewhat pedantic. Madam de + Boze much resembled him; she was lively and affected. I sometimes dined + with them, and it is impossible to be more awkward than I was in her + presence. Her easy manner intimidated me, and rendered mine more + remarkable. When she presented me a plate, I modestly put forward my + fork to take one of the least bits of what she offered me, which made + her give the plate to her servant, turning her head aside that I might + not see her laugh. She had not the least suspicion that in the head of + the rustic with whom she was so diverted there was some small portion of + wit. M. de Boze presented me to M. de Reaumur, his friend, who came to + dine with him every Friday, the day on which the Academy of Sciences + met. He mentioned to him my project, and the desire I had of having it + examined by the academy. M. de Reaumur consented to make the proposal, + and his offer was accepted. On the day appointed I was introduced and + presented by M. de Reaumur, and on the same day, August 22d, 1742, I had + the honor to read to the academy the memoir I had prepared for that + purpose. Although this illustrious assembly might certainly well be + expected to inspire me with awe, I was less intimidated on this occasion + than I had been in the presence of Madam de Boze, and I got tolerably + well through my reading and the answers I was obliged to give. The + memoir was well received, and acquired me some compliments by which I + was equally surprised and flattered, imagining that before such an + assembly, whoever was not a member of it could not have commonsense. The + persons appointed to examine my system were M. Mairan, M. Hellot, and M. + de Fouchy, all three men of merit, but not one of them understood music, + at least not enough of composition to enable them to judge of my + project. + </p> + <p> + During my conference with these gentlemen, I was convinced with no less + certainty than surprise, that if men of learning have sometimes fewer + prejudices than others, they more tenaciously retain those they have. + However weak or false most of their objections were, and although I + answered them with great timidity, and I confess, in bad terms, yet with + decisive reasons, I never once made myself understood, or gave them any + explanation in the least satisfactory. I was constantly surprised at the + facility with which, by the aid of a few sonorous phrases, they refuted, + without having comprehended me. They had learned, I know not where, that + a monk of the name of Souhaitti had formerly invented a mode of noting + the gamut by ciphers: a sufficient proof that my system was not new. + This might, perhaps, be the case; for although I had never heard of + Father Souhaitti, and notwithstanding his manner of writing the seven + notes without attending to the octaves was not, under any point of view, + worthy of entering into competition with my simple and commodious + invention for easily noting by ciphers every possible kind of music, + keys, rests, octaves, measure, time, and length of note; things on which + Souhaitti had never thought it was nevertheless true, that with respect + to the elementary expression of the seven notes, he was the first + inventor. + </p> + <p> + But besides their giving to this primitive invention more importance + than was due to it, they went still further, and, whenever they spoke of + the fundamental principles of the system, talked nonsense. The greatest + advantage of my scheme was to supersede transpositions and keys, so that + the same piece of music was noted and transposed at will by means of the + change of a single initial letter at the head of the air. These + gentlemen had heard from the music—masters of Paris that the + method of executing by transposition was a bad one; and on this + authority converted the most evident advantage of my system into an + invincible objection against it, and affirmed that my mode of notation + was good for vocal music, but bad for instrumental; instead of + concluding as they ought to have done, that it was good for vocal, and + still better for instrumental. On their report the academy granted me a + certificate full of fine compliments, amidst which it appeared that in + reality it judged my system to be neither new nor useful. I did not + think proper to ornament with such a paper the work entitled + 'Dissertation sur la musique moderne', by which I appealed to the + public. + </p> + <p> + I had reason to remark on this occasion that, even with a narrow + understanding, the sole but profound knowledge of a thing is preferable + for the purpose of judging of it, to all the lights resulting from a + cultivation of the sciences, when to these a particular study of that in + question has not been joined. The only solid objection to my system was + made by Rameau. I had scarcely explained it to him before he discovered + its weak part. "Your signs," said he, "are very good inasmuch as they + clearly and simply determine the length of notes, exactly represent + intervals, and show the simple in the double note, which the common + notation does not do; but they are objectionable on account of their + requiring an operation of the mind, which cannot always accompany the + rapidity of execution. The position of our notes," continued he, "is + described to the eye without the concurrence of this operation. If two + notes, one very high and the other very low, be joined by a series of + intermediate ones, I see at the first glance the progress from one to + the other by conjoined degrees; but in your system, to perceive this + series, I must necessarily run over your ciphers one after the other; + the glance of the eye is here useless." The objection appeared to me + insurmountable, and I instantly assented to it. Although it be simple + and striking, nothing can suggest it but great knowledge and practice of + the art, and it is by no means astonishing that not one of the + academicians should have thought of it. But what creates much surprise + is, that these men of great learning, and who are supposed to possess so + much knowledge, should so little know that each ought to confine his + judgment to that which relates to the study with which he has been + conversant. + </p> + <p> + My frequent visits to the literati appointed to examine my system and + the other academicians gave me an opportunity of becoming acquainted + with the most distinguished men of letters in Paris, and by this means + the acquaintance that would have been the consequence of my sudden + admission amongst them, which afterwards came to pass, was already + established. With respect to the present moment, absorbed in my new + system of music, I obstinately adhered to my intention of effecting a + revolution in the art, and by that means of acquiring a celebrity which, + in the fine arts, is in Paris mostly accompanied by fortune. I shut + myself in my chamber and labored three or four months with inexpressible + ardor, in forming into a work for the public eye, the memoir I had read + before the academy. The difficulty was to find a bookseller to take my + manuscript; and this on account of the necessary expenses for new + characters, and because booksellers give not their money by handfuls to + young authors; although to me it seemed but just my work should render + me the bread I had eaten while employed in its composition. + </p> + <p> + Bonnefond introduced me to Quillau the father, with whom I agreed to + divide the profits, without reckoning the privilege, of which I paid the + whole expense. Such were the future proceedings of this Quillau that I + lost the expenses of my privilege, never having received a farthing from + that edition; which, probably, had but very middling success, although + the Abbe des Fontaines promised to give it celebrity, and, + notwithstanding the other journalists, had spoken of it very favorably. + </p> + <p> + The greatest obstacle to making the experiment of my system was the + fear, in case of its not being received, of losing the time necessary to + learn it. To this I answered, that my notes rendered the ideas so clear, + that to learn music by means of the ordinary characters, time would be + gained by beginning with mine. To prove this by experience, I taught + music gratis to a young American lady, Mademoiselle des Roulins, with + whom M. Roguin had brought me acquainted. In three months she read every + kind of music, by means of my notation, and sung at sight better than I + did myself, any piece that was not too difficult. This success was + convincing, but not known; any other person would have filled the + journals with the detail, but with some talents for discovering useful + things, I never have possessed that of setting them off to advantage. + </p> + <p> + Thus was my airy castle again overthrown; but this time I was thirty + years of age, and in Paris, where it is impossible to live for a trifle. + The resolution I took upon this occasion will astonish none but those by + whom the first part of these memoirs has not been read with attention. I + had just made great and fruitless efforts, and was in need of + relaxation. Instead of sinking with despair I gave myself up quietly to + my indolence and to the care of Providence; and the better to wait for + its assistance with patience, I lay down a frugal plan for the slow + expenditure of a few louis, which still remained in my possession, + regulating the expense of my supine pleasures without retrenching it; + going to the coffee-house but every other day, and to the theatre but + twice a week. With respect to the expenses of girls of easy virtue, I + had no retrenchment to make; never having in the whole course of my life + applied so much as a farthing to that use except once, of which I shall + soon have occasion to speak. The security, voluptuousness, and + confidence with which I gave myself up to this indolent and solitary + life, which I had not the means of continuing for three months, is one + of the singularities of my life, and the oddities of my disposition. The + extreme desire I had, the public should think of me was precisely what + discouraged me from showing myself; and the necessity of paying visits + rendered them to such a degree insupportable, that I ceased visiting the + academicians and other men of letters, with whom I had cultivated an + acquaintance. Marivaux, the Abbe Malby, and Fontenelle, were almost the + only persons whom I sometimes went to see. To the first I showed my + comedy of Narcissus. He was pleased with it, and had the goodness to + make in it some improvements. Diderot, younger than these, was much + about my own age. He was fond of music, and knew it theoretically; we + conversed together, and he communicated to me some of his literary + projects. This soon formed betwixt us a more intimate connection, which + lasted fifteen years, and which probably would still exist were not I, + unfortunately, and by his own fault, of the same profession with + himself. + </p> + <p> + It would be impossible to imagine in what manner I employed this short + and precious interval which still remained to me, before circumstances + forced me to beg my bread:—in learning by memory passages from the + poets which I had learned and forgotten a hundred times. Every morning + at ten o'clock, I went to walk in the Luxembourg with a Virgil and a + Rousseau in my pocket, and there, until the hour of dinner, I passed + away the time in restoring to my memory a sacred ode or a bucolic, + without being discouraged by forgetting, by the study of the morning, + what I had learned the evening before. I recollected that after the + defeat of Nicias at Syracuse the captive Athenians obtained a livelihood + by reciting the poems of Homer. The use I made of this erudition to ward + off misery was to exercise my happy memory by learning all the poets by + rote. + </p> + <p> + I had another expedient, not less solid, in the game of chess, to which + I regularly dedicated, at Maugis, the evenings on which I did not go to + the theatre. I became acquainted with M. de Legal, M. Husson, Philidor, + and all the great chess players of the day, without making the least + improvement in the game. However, I had no doubt but, in the end, I + should become superior to them all, and this, in my own opinion, was a + sufficient resource. The same manner of reasoning served me in every + folly to which I felt myself inclined. I said to myself: whoever excels + in anything is sure to acquire a distinguished reception in society. Let + us therefore excel, no matter in what, I shall certainly be sought + after; opportunities will present themselves, and my own merit will do + the rest. This childishness was not the sophism of my reason; it was + that of my indolence. Dismayed at the great and rapid efforts which + would have been necessary to call forth my endeavors, I strove to + flatter my idleness, and by arguments suitable to the purpose, veiled + from my own eyes the shame of such a state. + </p> + <p> + I thus calmly waited for the moment when I was to be without money; and + had not Father Castel, whom I sometimes went to see in my way to the + coffee-house, roused me from my lethargy, I believe I should have seen + myself reduced to my last farthing without the least emotion. Father + Castel was a madman, but a good man upon the whole; he was sorry to see + me thus impoverish myself to no purpose. "Since musicians and the + learned," said he, "do not sing by your scale, change the string, and + apply to the women. You will perhaps succeed better with them. I have + spoken of you to Madam de Beuzenval; go to her from me; she is a good + woman who will be glad to see the countryman of her son and husband. You + will find at her house Madam de Broglie, her daughter, who is a woman of + wit. Madam Dupin is another to whom I also have mentioned you; carry her + your work; she is desirous of seeing you, and will receive you well. No + thing is done in Paris without the women. They are the curves, of which + the wise are the asymptotes; they incessantly approach each other, but + never touch." + </p> + <p> + After having from day to day delayed these very disagreeable steps, I at + length took courage, and called upon Madam de Beuzenval. She received me + with kindness; and Madam de Broglio entering the chamber, she said to + her: "Daughter, this is M. Rousseau, of whom Father Castel has spoken to + us." Madam de Broglie complimented me upon my work, and going to her + harpsichord proved to me she had already given it some attention. + Perceiving it to be about one o'clock, I prepared to take my leave. + Madam de Beuzenval said to me: "You are at a great distance from the + quarter of the town in which you reside; stay and dine here." I did not + want asking a second time. A quarter of an hour afterwards, I + understood, by a word, that the dinner to which she had invited me was + that of her servants' hall. Madam de Beuzenval was a very good kind of + woman, but of a confined understanding, and too full of her illustrious + Polish nobility: she had no idea of the respect due to talents. On this + occasion, likewise, she judged me by my manner rather than by my dress, + which, although very plain, was very neat, and by no means announced a + man to dine with servants. I had too long forgotten the way to the place + where they eat to be inclined to take it again. Without suffering my + anger to appear, I told Madam de Beuzenval that I had an affair of a + trifling nature which I had just recollected obliged me to return home, + and I immediately prepared to depart. Madam de Broglie approached her + mother, and whispered in her ear a few words which had their effect. + Madam de Beuzenval rose to prevent me from going, and said, "I expect + that you will do us the honor to dine with us." In this case I thought + to show pride would be a mark of folly, and I determined to stay. The + goodness of Madam de Broglie had besides made an impression upon me, and + rendered her interesting in my eyes. I was very glad to dine with her, + and hoped, that when she knew me better, she would not regret having + procured me that honor. The President de Lamoignon, very intimate in the + family, dined there also. He, as well as Madam de Broglie, was a master + of all the modish and fashionable small talk jargon of Paris. Poor Jean + Jacques was unable to make a figure in this way. I had sense enough not + to pretend to it, and was silent. Happy would it have been for me, had I + always possessed the same wisdom; I should not be in the abyss into + which I am now fallen. I was vexed at my own stupidity, and at being + unable to justify to Madam de Broglie what she had done in my favor. + </p> + <p> + After dinner I thought of my ordinary resource. I had in my pocket an + epistle in verse, written to Parisot during my residence at Lyons. This + fragment was not without some fire, which I increased by my manner of + reading, and made them all three shed tears. Whether it was vanity, or + really the truth, I thought the eyes of Madam de Broglie seemed to say + to her mother: "Well, mamma, was I wrong in telling you this man was + fitter to dine with us than with your women?" Until then my heart had + been rather burdened, but after this revenge I felt myself satisfied. + Madam de Broglie, carrying her favorable opinion of me rather too far, + thought I should immediately acquire fame in Paris, and become a + favorite with fine ladies. To guide my inexperience she gave me the + confessions of the Count de ——. "This book," said she, "is a + Mentor, of which you will stand in need in the great world. You will do + well by sometimes consulting it." I kept the book upwards of twenty + years with a sentiment of gratitude to her from whose hand I had + received it, although I frequently laughed at the opinion the lady + seemed to have of my merit in gallantry. From the moment I had read the + work, I was desirous of acquiring the friendship of the author. My + inclination led me right; he is the only real friend I ever possessed + amongst men of letters. + </p> + <p> + [I have so long been of the same opinion, and so perfectly convinced of + its being well founded, that since my return to Paris I confided to him + the manuscript of my confessions. The suspicious J. J. never suspected + perfidy and falsehood until he had been their victim.] + </p> + <p> + From this time I thought I might depend on the services of Madam the + Baroness of Beuzenval, and the Marchioness of Broglie, and that they + would not long leave me without resource. In this I was not deceived. + But I must now speak of my first visit to Madam Dupin, which produced + more lasting consequences. + </p> + <p> + Madam Dupin was, as every one in Paris knows, the daughter of Samuel + Bernard and Madam Fontaine. There were three sisters, who might be + called the three graces. Madam de la Touche who played a little prank, + and went to England with the Duke of Kingston. Madam Darby, the eldest + of the three; the friend, the only sincere friend of the Prince of + Conti; an adorable woman, as well by her sweetness and the goodness of + her charming character, as by her agreeable wit and incessant + cheerfulness. Lastly, Madam Dupin, more beautiful than either of her + sisters, and the only one who has not been reproached with some levity + of conduct. + </p> + <p> + She was the reward of the hospitality of M. Dupin, to whom her mother + gave her in marriage with the place of farmer general and an immense + fortune, in return for the good reception he had given her in his + province. When I saw her for the first time, she was still one of the + finest women in Paris. She received me at her toilette, her arms were + uncovered, her hair dishevelled, and her combing-cloth ill-arranged. + This scene was new to me; it was too powerful for my poor head, I became + confused, my senses wandered; in short, I was violently smitten by Madam + Dupin. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="p268" id="p268"></a> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="p268.jpg (90K)" src="images/p268.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <p> + My confusion was not prejudicial to me; she did not perceive it. She + kindly received the book and the author; spoke with information of my + plan, sung, accompanied herself on the harpsichord, kept me to dinner, + and placed me at table by her side. Less than this would have turned my + brain; I became mad. She permitted me to visit her, and I abused the + permission. I went to see her almost every day, and dined with her twice + or thrice a week. I burned with inclination to speak, but never dared + attempt it. Several circumstances increased my natural timidity. + Permission to visit in an opulent family was a door open to fortune, and + in my situation I was unwilling to run the risk of shutting it against + myself. + </p> + <p> + Madam Dupin, amiable as she was, was serious and unanimated; I found + nothing in her manners sufficiently alluring to embolden me. Her house, + at that time, as brilliant as any other in Paris, was frequented by + societies the less numerous, as the persons by whom they were composed + were chosen on account of some distinguished merit. She was fond of + seeing every one who had claims to a marked superiority; the great men + of letters, and fine women. No person was seen in her circle but dukes, + ambassadors, and blue ribbons. The Princess of Rohan, the Countess of + Forcalquier, Madam de Mirepoix, Madam de Brignole, and Lady Hervey, + passed for her intimate friends. The Abbes de Fontenelle, de Saint + Pierre, and Saltier, M. de Fourmont, M. de Berms, M. de Buffon, and M. + de Voltaire, were of her circle and her dinners. If her reserved manner + did not attract many young people, her society inspired the greater awe, + as it was composed of graver persons, and the poor Jean-Jacques had no + reason to flatter himself he should be able to take a distinguished part + in the midst of such superior talents. I therefore had not courage to + speak; but no longer able to contain myself, I took a resolution to + write. For the first two days she said not a word to me upon the + subject. On the third day, she returned me my letter, accompanying it + with a few exhortations which froze my blood. I attempted to speak, but + my words expired upon my lips; my sudden passion was extinguished with + my hopes, and after a declaration in form I continued to live with her + upon the same terms as before, without so much as speaking to her even + by the language of the eyes. + </p> + <p> + I thought my folly was forgotten, but I was deceived. M. de Francueil, + son to M. Dupin, and son-in-law to Madam Dupin, was much the same with + herself and me. He had wit, a good person, and might have pretensions. + This was said to be the case, and probably proceeded from his + mother-in-law's having given him an ugly wife of a mild disposition, + with whom, as well as with her husband, she lived upon the best of + terms. M. de Francueil was fond of talents in others, and cultivated + those he possessed. Music, which he understood very well, was a means of + producing a connection between us. I frequently saw him, and he soon + gained my friendship. He, however, suddenly gave me to understand that + Madam Dupin thought my visits too frequent, and begged me to discontinue + them. Such a compliment would have been proper when she returned my + letter; but eight or ten days afterwards, and without any new cause, it + appeared to me ill-timed. This rendered my situation the more singular, + as M. and Madam de Francueil still continued to give me the same good + reception as before. + </p> + <p> + I however made the intervals between my visits longer, and I should + entirely have ceased calling on them, had not Madam Dupin, by another + unexpected caprice, sent to desire I would for a few days take care of + her son, who changing his preceptor, remained alone during that + interval. I passed eight days in such torments as nothing but the + pleasure of obeying Madam Dupin could render supportable: I would not + have undertaken to pass eight other days like them had Madam Dupin given + me herself for the recompense. + </p> + <p> + M. de Francueil conceived a friendship for me, and I studied with him. + We began together a course of chemistry at Rouelles. That I might be + nearer at hand, I left my hotel at Quentin, and went to lodge at the + Tennis Court, Rue Verdelet, which leads into the Rue Platiere, where M. + Dupin lived. There, in consequence of a cold neglected, I contracted an + inflammation of the lungs that had liked to have carried me off. In my + younger days I frequently suffered from inflammatory disorders, + pleurisies, and especially quinsies, to which I was very subject, and + which frequently brought me near enough to death to familiarize me to + its image. + </p> + <p> + During my convalescence I had leisure to reflect upon my situation, and + to lament my timidity, weakness and indolence; these, notwithstanding + the fire with which I found myself inflamed, left me to languish in an + inactivity of mind, continually on the verge of misery. The evening + preceding the day on which I was taken ill, I went to an opera by Royer; + the name I have forgotten. Notwithstanding my prejudice in favor of the + talents of others, which has ever made me distrustful of my own, I still + thought the music feeble, and devoid of animation and invention. I + sometimes had the vanity to flatter myself: I think I could do better + than that. But the terrible idea I had formed of the composition of an + opera, and the importance I heard men of the profession affix to such an + undertaking, instantly discouraged me, and made me blush at having so + much as thought of it. Besides, where was I to find a person to write + the words, and one who would give himself the trouble of turning the + poetry to my liking? These ideas of music and the opera had possession + of my mind during my illness, and in the delirium of my fever I composed + songs, duets, and choruses. I am certain I composed two or three little + pieces, 'di prima infenzione', perhaps worthy of the admiration of + masters, could they have heard them executed. Oh, could an account be + taken of the dreams of a man in a fever, what great and sublime things + would sometimes proceed from his delirium! + </p> + <p> + These subjects of music and opera still engaged my attention during my + convalescence, but my ideas were less energetic. Long and frequent + meditations, and which were often involuntary, and made such an + impression upon my mind that I resolved to attempt both words and music. + This was not the first time I had undertaken so difficult a task. Whilst + I was at Chambery I had composed an opera entitled 'Iphis and + Anaxarete', which I had the good sense to throw into the fire. At Lyons + I had composed another, entitled 'La Decouverte du Nouveau Monde', + which, after having read it to M. Bordes, the Abbes Malby, Trublet, and + others, had met the same fate, notwithstanding I had set the prologue + and the first act to music, and although David, after examining the + composition, had told me there were passages in it worthy of Buononcini. + </p> + <p> + Before I began the work I took time to consider of my plan. In a heroic + ballet I proposed three different subjects, in three acts, detached from + each other, set to music of a different character, taking for each + subject the amours of a poet. I entitled this opera Les Muses Galantes. + My first act, in music strongly characterized, was Tasso; the second in + tender harmony, Ovid; and the third, entitled Anacreon, was to partake + of the gayety of the dithyrambus. I tried my skill on the first act, and + applied to it with an ardor which, for the first time, made me feel the + delightful sensation produced by the creative power of composition. One + evening, as I entered the opera, feeling myself strongly incited and + overpowered by my ideas, I put my money again into my pocket, returned + to my apartment, locked the door, and, having close drawn all the + curtains, that every ray of light might be excluded, I went to bed, + abandoning myself entirely to this musical and poetical 'oestrum', and + in seven or eight hours rapidly composed the greatest part of an act. I + can truly say my love for the Princess of Ferrara (for I was Tasso for + the moment) and my noble and lofty sentiment with respect to her unjust + brother, procured me a night a hundred times more delicious than one + passed in the arms of the princess would have been. In the morning but a + very little of what I had done remained in my head, but this little, + almost effaced by sleep and lassitude, still sufficiently evinced the + energy of the pieces of which it was the scattered remains. + </p> + <p> + I this time did, not proceed far with my undertaking, being interrupted + by other affairs. Whilst I attached myself to the family of Dupin, Madam + de Beuzenval and Madam de Broglie, whom I continued to visit, had not + forgotten me. The Count de Montaigu, captain in the guards, had just + been appointed ambassador to Venice. He was an ambassador made by + Barjac, to whom he assiduously paid his court. His brother, the + Chevalier de Montaigu, 'gentilhomme de la manche' to the dauphin, was + acquainted with these ladies, and with the Abbe Alary of the French + academy, whom I sometimes visited. Madam de Broglie having heard the + ambassador was seeking a secretary, proposed me to him. A conference was + opened between us. I asked a salary of fifty guineas, a trifle for an + employment which required me to make some appearance. The ambassador was + unwilling to give more than a thousand livres, leaving me to make the + journey at my own expense. The proposal was ridiculous. We could not + agree, and M. de Francueil, who used all his efforts to prevent my + departure, prevailed. + </p> + <p> + I stayed, and M. de Montaigu set out on his journey, taking with him + another secretary, one M. Follau, who had been recommended to him by the + office of foreign affairs. They no sooner arrived at Venice than they + quarrelled. Bollau perceiving he had to do with a madman, left him + there, and M. de Montaigu having nobody with him, except a young abbe of + the name of Binis, who wrote under the secretary, and was unfit to + succeed him, had recourse to me. The chevalier, his brother, a man of + wit, by giving me to understand there were advantages annexed to the + place of secretary, prevailed upon me to accept the thousand livres. I + was paid twenty louis in advance for my journey, and immediately + departed. + </p> + <p> + At Lyons I would most willingly have taken the road to Mount Cenis, to + see my poor mamma. But I went down the Rhone, and embarked at Toulon, as + well on account of the war, and from a motive of economy, as to obtain a + passport from M. de Mirepoix, who then commanded in Provence, and to + whom I was recommended. M. de Montaigu not being able to do without me, + wrote letter after letter, desiring I would hasten my journey; this, + however, an accident considerably prolonged. + </p> + <p> + It was at the time of the plague at Messina, and the English fleet had + anchored there, and visited the Felucca, on board of which I was, and + this circumstance subjected us, on our arrival, after a long and + difficult voyage, to a quarantine of one—and—twenty days. + </p> + <p> + The passengers had the choice of performing it on board or in the + Lazaretto, which we were told was not yet furnished. They all chose the + Felucca. The insupportable heat, the closeness of the vessel, the + impossibility of walking in it, and the vermin with which it swarmed, + made me at all risks prefer the Lazaretto. I was therefore conducted to + a large building of two stories, quite empty, in which I found neither + window, bed, table, nor chair, not so much as even a joint-stool or + bundle of straw. My night sack and my two trunks being brought me, I was + shut in by great doors with huge locks, and remained at full liberty to + walk at my ease from chamber to chamber and story to story, everywhere + finding the same solitude and nakedness. + </p> + <p> + This, however, did not induce me to repent that I had preferred the + Lazaretto to the Felucca; and, like another Robinson Crusoe, I began to + arrange myself for my one-and twenty days, just as I should have done + for my whole life. In the first place, I had the amusement of destroying + the vermin I had caught in the Felucca. As soon as I had got clear of + these, by means of changing my clothes and linen, I proceeded to furnish + the chamber I had chosen. I made a good mattress with my waistcoats and + shirts; my napkins I converted, by sewing them together, into sheets; my + robe de chambre into a counterpane; and my cloak into a pillow. I made + myself a seat with one of my trunks laid flat, and a table with the + other. I took out some writing paper and an inkstand, and distributed, + in the manner of a library, a dozen books which I had with me. In a + word, I so well arranged my few movables, that except curtains and + windows, I was almost as commodiously lodged in this Lazeretto, + absolutely empty as it was, as I had been at the Tennis Court in the Rue + Verdelet. My dinners were served with no small degree of pomp; they were + escorted by two grenadiers with bayonets fixed; the staircase was my + dining—room, the landing-place my table, and the steps served me + for a seat; and as soon as my dinner was served up a little bell was + rung to inform me I might sit down to table. + </p> + <p> + Between my repasts, when I did not either read or write or work at the + furnishing of my apartment, I went to walk in the burying-ground of the + Protestants, which served me as a courtyard. From this place I ascended + to a lanthorn which looked into the harbor, and from which I could see + the ships come in and go out. In this manner I passed fourteen days, and + should have thus passed the whole time of the quarantine without the + least weariness had not M. Joinville, envoy from France, to whom I found + means to send a letter, vinegared, perfumed, and half burnt, procured + eight days of the time to be taken off: these I went and spent at his + house, where I confess I found myself better lodged than in the + Lazaretto. He was extremely civil to me. Dupont, his secretary, was a + good creature: he introduced me, as well at Genoa as in the country, to + several families, the company of which I found very entertaining and + agreeable; and I formed with him an acquaintance and a correspondence + which we kept up for a considerable length of time. I continued my + journey, very agreeably, through Lombardy. I saw Milan, Verona, Brescie, + and Padua, and at length arrived at Venice, where I was impatiently + expected by the ambassador. + </p> + <p> + I found there piles of despatches, from the court and from other + ambassadors, the ciphered part of which he had not been able to read, + although he had all the ciphers necessary for that purpose, never having + been employed in any office, nor even seen the cipher of a minister. I + was at first apprehensive of meeting with some embarrassment; but I + found nothing could be more easy, and in less than a week I had + deciphered the whole, which certainly was not worth the trouble; for not + to mention the little activity required in the embassy of Venice, it was + not to such a man as M. de Montaigu that government would confide a + negotiation of even the most trifling importance. Until my arrival he + had been much embarrassed, neither knowing how to dictate nor to write + legibly. I was very useful to him, of which he was sensible; and he + treated me well. To this he was also induced by another motive. Since + the time of M. de Froulay, his predecessor, whose head became deranged, + the consul from France, M. le Blond, had been charged with the affairs + of the embassy, and after the arrival of M. de Montaigu, continued to + manage them until he had put him into the track. M. de Montaigu, hurt at + this discharge of his duty by another, although he himself was incapable + of it, became disgusted with the consul, and as soon as I arrived + deprived him of the functions of secretary to the embassy to give them + to me. They were inseparable from the title, and he told me to take it. + As long as I remained with him he never sent any person except myself + under this title to the senate, or to conference, and upon the whole it + was natural enough he should prefer having for secretary to the embassy + a man attached to him, to a consul or a clerk of office named by the + court. + </p> + <p> + This rendered my situation very agreeable, and prevented his gentlemen, + who were Italians, as well as his pages, and most of his suite from + disputing precedence with me in his house. I made an advantageous use of + the authority annexed to the title he had conferred upon me, by + maintaining his right of protection, that is, the freedom of his + neighborhood, against the attempts several times made to infringe it; a + privilege which his Venetian officers took no care to defend. But I + never permitted banditti to take refuge there, although this would have + produced me advantages of which his excellency would not have disdained + to partake. He thought proper, however, to claim a part of those of the + secretaryship, which is called the chancery. It was in time of war, and + there were many passports issued. For each of these passports a sequin + was paid to the secretary who made it out and countersigned it. All my + predecessors had been paid this sequin by Frenchmen and others without + distinction. I thought this unjust, and although I was not a Frenchman, + I abolished it in favor of the French; but I so rigorously demanded my + right from persons of every other nation, that the Marquis de Scotti, + brother to the favorite of the Queen of Spain, having asked for a + passport without taking notice of the sequin: I sent to demand it; a + boldness which the vindictive Italian did not forget. As soon as the new + regulation I had made, relative to passports, was known, none but + pretended Frenchmen, who in a gibberish the most mispronounced, called + themselves Provencals, Picards, or Burgundians, came to demand them. My + ear being very fine, I was not thus made a dupe, and I am almost + persuaded that not a single Italian ever cheated me of my sequin, and + that not one Frenchman ever paid it. I was foolish enough to tell M. de + Montaigu, who was ignorant of everything that passed, what I had done. + The word sequin made him open his ears, and without giving me his + opinion of the abolition of that tax upon the French, he pretended I + ought to account with him for the others, promising me at the same time + equivalent advantages. More filled with indignation at this meanness, + than concern for my own interest, I rejected his proposal. He insisted, + and I grew warm. "No, sir," said I, with some heat, "your excellency may + keep what belongs to you, but do not take from me that which is mine; I + will not suffer you to touch a penny of the perquisites arising from + passports." Perceiving he could gain nothing by these means he had + recourse to others, and blushed not to tell me that since I had + appropriated to myself the profits of the chancery, it was but just I + should pay the expenses. I was unwilling to dispute upon this subject, + and from that time I furnished at my own expense, ink, paper, wax, + wax-candle, tape, and even a new seal, for which he never reimbursed me + to the amount of a farthing. This, however, did not prevent my giving a + small part of the produce of the passports to the Abbe de Binis, a good + creature, and who was far from pretending to have the least right to any + such thing. If he was obliging to me my politeness to him was an + equivalent, and we always lived together on the best of terms. + </p> + <p> + On the first trial I made of his talents in my official functions, I + found him less troublesome than I expected he would have been, + considering he was a man without experience, in the service of an + ambassador who possessed no more than himself, and whose ignorance and + obstinacy constantly counteracted everything with which common-sense and + some information inspired me for his service and that of the king. The + next thing the ambassador did was to connect himself with the Marquis + Mari, ambassador from Spain, an ingenious and artful man, who, had he + wished so to do, might have led him by the nose, yet on account of the + union of the interests of the two crowns he generally gave him good + advice, which might have been of essential service, had not the other, + by joining his own opinion, counteracted it in the execution. The only + business they had to conduct in concert with each other was to engage + the Venetians to maintain their neutrality. These did not neglect to + give the strongest assurances of their fidelity to their engagement at + the same time that they publicly furnished ammunition to the Austrian + troops, and even recruits under pretense of desertion. M. de Montaigu, + who I believe wished to render himself agreeable to the republic, failed + not on his part, notwithstanding my representation to make me assure the + government in all my despatches, that the Venetians would never violate + an article of the neutrality. The obstinacy and stupidity of this poor + wretch made me write and act extravagantly: I was obliged to be the + agent of his folly, because he would have it so, but he sometimes + rendered my employment insupportable and the functions of it almost + impracticable. For example, he insisted on the greatest part of his + despatches to the king, and of those to the minister, being written in + cipher, although neither of them contained anything that required that + precaution. I represented to him that between the Friday, the day the + despatches from the court arrived, and Saturday, on which ours were sent + off, there was not sufficient time to write so much in cipher, and carry + on the considerable correspondence with which I was charged for the same + courier. He found an admirable expedient, which was to prepare on + Thursday the answer to the despatches we were expected to receive on the + next day. This appeared to him so happily imagined, that notwithstanding + all I could say on the impossibility of the thing, and the absurdity of + attempting its execution, I was obliged to comply during the whole time + I afterwards remained with him, after having made notes of the few loose + words he spoke to me in the course of the week, and of some trivial + circumstances which I collected by hurrying from place to place. + Provided with these materials I never once failed carrying to him on the + Thursday morning a rough draft of the despatches which were to be sent + off on Saturday, excepting the few additions and corrections I hastily + made in answer to the letters which arrived on the Friday, and to which + ours served for answer. He had another custom, diverting enough and + which made his correspondence ridiculous beyond imagination. He sent + back all information to its respective source, instead of making it + follow its course. To M. Amelot he transmitted the news of the court; to + M. Maurepas, that of Paris; to M. d' Havrincourt, the news from Sweden; + to M. de Chetardie, that from Petersbourg; and sometimes to each of + those the news they had respectively sent to him, and which I was + employed to dress up in terms different from those in which it was + conveyed to us. As he read nothing of what I laid before him, except the + despatches for the court, and signed those to other ambassadors without + reading them, this left me more at liberty to give what turn I thought + proper to the latter, and in these therefore I made the articles of + information cross each other. But it was impossible for-me to do the + same by despatches of importance; and I thought myself happy when M. de + Montaigu did not take it into his head to cram into them an impromptu of + a few lines after his manner. This obliged me to return, and hastily + transcribe the whole despatch decorated with his new nonsense, and honor + it with the cipher, without which he would have refused his signature. I + was frequently almost tempted, for the sake of his reputation, to cipher + something different from what he had written, but feeling that nothing + could authorize such a deception, I left him to answer for his own + folly, satisfying myself with having spoken to him with freedom, and + discharged at my own peril the duties of my station. This is what I + always did with an uprightness, a zeal and courage, which merited on his + part a very different recompense from that which in the end I received + from him. It was time I should once be what Heaven, which had endowed me + with a happy disposition, what the education that had been given me by + the best of women, and that I had given myself, had prepared me for, and + I became so. Left to my own reflections, without a friend or advice, + without experience, and in a foreign country, in the service of a + foreign nation, surrounded by a crowd of knaves, who, for their own + interest, and to avoid the scandal of good example, endeavored to + prevail upon me to imitate them; far from yielding to their + solicitations, I served France well, to which I owed nothing, and the + ambassador still better, as it was right and just I should do to the + utmost of my power. Irreproachable in a post, sufficiently exposed to + censure, I merited and obtained the esteem of the republic, that of all + the ambassadors with whom we were in correspondence, and the affection + of the French who resided at Venice, not even excepting the consul, whom + with regret I supplanted in the functions which I knew belonged to him, + and which occasioned me more embarrassment than they afforded me + satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + M. de Montaigu, confiding without reserve to the Marquis Mari, who did + not thoroughly understand his duty, neglected it to such a degree that + without me the French who were at Venice would not have perceived that + an ambassador from their nation resided there. Always put off without + being heard when they stood in need of his protection, they became + disgusted and no longer appeared in his company or at his table, to + which indeed he never invited them. I frequently did from myself what it + was his duty to have done; I rendered to the French, who applied to me, + all the services in my power. In any other country I should have done + more, but, on account of my employment, not being able to see persons in + place, I was often obliged to apply to the consul, and the consul, who + was settled in the country with his family, had many persons to oblige, + which prevented him from acting as he otherwise would have done. + However, perceiving him unwilling and afraid to speak, I ventured + hazardous measures, which sometimes succeeded. I recollect one which + still makes me laugh. No person would suspect it was to me, the lovers + of the theatre at Paris, owe Coralline and her sister Camille, nothing + however, can be more true. Veronese, their father, had engaged himself + with his children in the Italian company, and after having received two + thousand livres for the expenses of his journey, instead of setting out + for France, quietly continued at Venice, and accepted an engagement in + the theatre of Saint Luke, to which Coralline, a child as she still was, + drew great numbers of people. The Duke de Greves, as first gentleman of + the chamber, wrote to the ambassador to claim the father and the + daughter. M. de Montaigu when he gave me the letter, confined his + instructions to saying, 'voyez cela', examine and pay attention to this. + I went to M. Blond to beg he would speak to the patrician, to whom the + theatre belonged, and who, I believe, was named Zustinian, that he might + discharge Veronese, who had engaged in the name of the king. Le Blond, + to whom the commission was not very agreeable, executed it badly. + </p> + <p> + Zustinian answered vaguely, and Veronese was not discharged. I was + piqued at this. It was during the carnival, and having taken the bahute + and a mask, I set out for the palace Zustinian. Those who saw my gondola + arrive with the livery of the ambassador, were lost in astonishment. + Venice had never seen such a thing. I entered, and caused myself to be + announced by the name of 'Una Siora Masehera'. As soon as I was + introduced I took off my mask and told my name. The senator turned pale + and appeared stupefied with surprise. "Sir;" said I to him in Venetian, + "it is with much regret I importune your excellency with this visit; but + you have in your theatre of Saint Luke, a man of the name of Veronese, + who is engaged in the service of the king, and whom you have been + requested, but in vain, to give up: I come to claim him in the name of + his majesty." My short harangue was effectual. I had no sooner left the + palace than Zustinian ran to communicate the adventure to the state + inquisitors, by whom he was severely reprehended. Veronese was + discharged the same day. I sent him word that if he did not set off + within a week I would have him arrested. He did not wait for my giving + him this intimation a second time. + </p> + <p> + On another occasion I relieved from difficulty solely by my own means, + and almost without the assistance of any other person, the captain of a + merchant-ship. This was one Captain Olivet, from Marseilles; the name of + the vessel I have forgotten. His men had quarreled with the Sclavonians + in the service of the republic, some violence had been committed, and + the vessel was under so severe an embargo that nobody except the master + was suffered to go on board or leave it without permission. He applied + to the ambassador, who would hear nothing he had to say. He afterwards + went to the consul, who told him it was not an affair of commerce, and + that he could not interfere in it. Not knowing what further steps to + take he applied to me. I told M. de Montaigu he ought to permit me to + lay before the senate a memoir on the subject. I do not recollect + whether or not he consented, or that I presented the memoir; but I + perfectly remember that if I did it was ineffectual, and the embargo + still continuing, I took another method, which succeeded. I inserted a + relation of the affairs in one of our letters to M. de Maurepas, though + I had difficulty in prevailing upon M. de Montaigne to suffer the + article to pass. + </p> + <p> + I knew that our despatches, although their contents were insignificant, + were opened at Venice. Of this I had a proof by finding the articles + they contained, verbatim in the gazette, a treachery of which I had in + vain attempted to prevail upon the ambassador to complain. My object in + speaking of the affair in the letter was to turn the curiosity of the + ministers of the republic to advantage, to inspire them with some + apprehensions, and to induce the state to release the vessel: for had it + been necessary to this effect to wait for an answer from the court, the + captain would have been ruined before it could have arrived. I did still + more, I went alongside the vessel to make inquiries of the ship's + company. I took with me the Abbe Patizel, chancellor of the consulship, + who would rather have been excused, so much were these poor creatures + afraid of displeasing the Senate. As I could not go on board, on account + of the order from the states, I remained in my gondola, and there took + the depositions successively, interrogating each of the mariners, and + directing my questions in such a manner as to produce answers which + might be to their advantage. I wished to prevail upon Patizel to put the + questions and take depositions himself, which in fact was more his + business than mine; but to this he would not consent; he never once + opened his mouth and refused to sign the depositions after me. This + step, somewhat bold, was however, successful, and the vessel was + released long before an answer came from the minister. The captain + wished to make me a present; but without being angry with him on that + account, I tapped him on the shoulder, saying, "Captain Olivet, can you + imagine that he who does not receive from the French his perquisite for + passports, which he found his established right, is a man likely to sell + them the king's protection?" He, however, insisted on giving me a dinner + on board his vessel, which I accepted, and took with me the secretary to + the Spanish embassy, M. Carrio, a man of wit and amiable manners, to + partake of it: he has since been secretary to the Spanish embassy at + Paris and charge des affaires. I had formed an intimate connection with + him after the example of our ambassadors. + </p> + <p> + Happy should I have been, if, when in the most disinterested manner I + did all the service I could, I had known how to introduce sufficient + order into all these little details, that I might not have served others + at my own expense. But in employments similar to that I held, in which + the most trifling faults are of consequence, my whole attention was + engaged in avoiding all such mistakes as might be detrimental to my + service. I conducted, till the last moment, everything relative to my + immediate duty, with the greatest order and exactness. Excepting a few + errors which a forced precipitation made me commit in ciphering, and of + which the clerks of M. Amelot once complained, neither the ambassador + nor any other person had ever the least reason to reproach me with + negligence in any one of my functions. This is remarkable in a man so + negligent as I am. But my memory sometimes failed me, and I was not + sufficiently careful in the private affairs with which I was charged; + however, a love of justice always made me take the loss on myself, and + this voluntarily, before anybody thought of complaining. I will mention + but one circumstance of this nature; it relates to my departure from + Venice, and I afterwards felt the effects of it in Paris. + </p> + <p> + Our cook, whose name was Rousselot, had brought from France an old note + for two hundred livres, which a hairdresser, a friend of his, had + received from a noble Venetian of the name of Zanetto Nani, who had had + wigs of him to that amount. Rousselot brought me the note, begging I + would endeavor to obtain payment of some part of it, by way of + accommodation. I knew, and he knew it also, that the constant custom of + noble Venetians was, when once returned to their country, never to pay + the debts they had contracted abroad. When means are taken to force them + to payment, the wretched creditor finds so many delays, and incurs such + enormous expenses, that he becomes disgusted and concludes by giving up + his debtor accepting the most trifling composition. I begged M. le Blond + to speak to Zanetto. The Venetian acknowledged the note, but did not + agree to payment. After a long dispute he at length promised three + sequins; but when Le Blond carried him the note even these were not + ready, and it was necessary to wait. In this interval happened my + quarrel with the ambassador and I quitted his service. I had left the + papers of the embassy in the greatest order, but the note of Rousselot + was not to be found. M. le Blond assured me he had given it me back. I + knew him to be too honest a man to have the least doubt of the matter; + but it was impossible for me to recollect what I had done with it. As + Zanetto had acknowledged the debt, I desired M. le Blond to endeavor to + obtain from him the three sequins on giving him a receipt for the + amount, or to prevail upon him to renew the note by way of duplicate. + Zanetto, knowing the note to be lost, would not agree to either. I + offered Rousselot the three sequins from my own purse, as a discharge of + the debt. He refused them, and said I might settle the matter with the + creditor at Paris, of whom he gave me the address. The hair-dresser, + having been informed of what had passed, would either have his note or + the whole sum for which it was given. What, in my indignation, would I + have given to have found this vexatious paper! I paid the two hundred + livres, and that in my greatest distress. In this manner the loss of the + note produced to the creditor the payment of the whole sum, whereas had + it, unfortunately for him, been found, he would have had some difficulty + in recovering even the ten crowns, which his excellency, Zanetto Nani, + had promised to pay. + </p> + <p> + The talents I thought I felt in myself for my employment made me + discharge the functions of it with satisfaction, and except the society + of my friend de Carrio, that of the virtuous Altuna, of whom I shall + soon have an occasion to speak, the innocent recreations of the place + Saint Mark, of the theatre, and of a few visits which we, for the most + part, made together, my only pleasure was in the duties of my station. + Although these were not considerable, especially with the aid of the + Abbe de Binis, yet as the correspondence was very extensive and there + was a war, I was a good deal employed. I applied to business the + greatest part of every morning, and on the days previous to the + departure of the courier, in the evenings, and sometimes till midnight. + The rest of my time I gave to the study of the political professions I + had entered upon, and in which I hoped, from my successful beginning, to + be advantageously employed. In fact I was in favor with every one; the + ambassador himself spoke highly of my services, and never complained of + anything I did for him; his dissatisfaction proceeded from my having + insisted on quitting him, inconsequence of the useless complaints I had + frequently made on several occasions. The ambassadors and ministers of + the king with whom we were in correspondence complimented him on the + merit of his secretary, in a manner by which he ought to have been + flattered, but which in his poor head produced quite a contrary effect. + He received one in particular relative to an affair of importance, for + which he never pardoned me. + </p> + <p> + He was so incapable of bearing the least constraint, that on the + Saturday, the day of the despatches for most of the courts he could not + contain himself, and wait till the business was done before he went out, + and incessantly pressing me to hasten the despatches to the king and + ministers, he signed them with precipitation, and immediately went I + know not where, leaving most of the other letters without signing; this + obliged me, when these contained nothing but news, to convert them into + journals; but when affairs which related to the king were in question it + was necessary somebody should sign, and I did it. This once happened + relative to some important advice we had just received from M. Vincent, + charge des affaires from the king, at Vienna. The Prince Lobkowitz was + then marching to Naples, and Count Gages had just made the most + memorable retreat, the finest military manoeuvre of the whole century, + of which Europe has not sufficiently spoken. The despatch informed us + that a man, whose person M. Vincent described, had set out from Vienna, + and was to pass by Venice, in his way into Abruzzo, where he was + secretly to stir up the people at the approach of the Austrians. + </p> + <p> + In the absence of M. le Comte de Montaigu, who did not give himself the + least concern about anything, I forwarded this advice to the Marquis de + l'Hopital, so apropos, that it is perhaps to the poor Jean Jacques, so + abused and laughed at, that the house of Bourbon owes the preservation + of the kingdom of Naples. + </p> + <p> + The Marquis de l'Hopital, when he thanked his colleague, as it was + proper he should do, spoke to him of his secretary, and mentioned the + service he had just rendered to the common cause. The Comte de Montaigu, + who in that affair had to reproach himself with negligence, thought he + perceived in the compliment paid him by M. de l'Hopital, something like + a reproach, and spoke of it to me with signs of ill-humor. I found it + necessary to act in the same manner with the Count de Castellane, + ambassador at Constantinople, as I had done with the Marquis de + l'Hopital, although in things of less importance. As there was no other + conveyance to Constantinople than by couriers, sent from time to time by + the senate to its Bailli, advice of their departure was given to the + ambassador of France, that he might write by them to his colleague, if + he thought proper so to do. This advice was commonly sent a day or two + beforehand; but M. de Montaigu was held in so little respect, that + merely for the sake of form he was sent to, a couple of hours before the + couriers set off. This frequently obliged me to write the despatch in + his absence. M. de Castellane, in his answer made honorable mention of + me; M. de Jonville, at Genoa, did the same, and these instances of their + regard and esteem became new grievances. + </p> + <p> + I acknowledge I did not neglect any opportunity of making myself known; + but I never sought one improperly, and in serving well I thought I had a + right to aspire to the natural return for essential services; the esteem + of those capable of judging of, and rewarding them. I will not say + whether or not my exactness in discharging the duties of my employment + was a just subject of complaint from the ambassador; but I cannot + refrain from declaring that it was the sole grievance he ever mentioned + previous to our separation. + </p> + <p> + His house, which he had never put on a good footing, was constantly + filled with rabble; the French were ill-treated in it, and the + ascendancy was given to the Italians; of these even, the more honest + part, they who had long been in the service of the embassy, were + indecently discharged, his first gentleman in particular, whom he had + taken from the Comte de Froulay, and who, if I remember right, was + called Comte de Peati, or something very like that name. The second + gentleman, chosen by M. de Montaigu, was an outlaw highwayman from + Mantua, called Dominic Vitali, to whom the ambassador intrusted the care + of his house, and who had by means of flattery and sordid economy, + obtained his confidence, and became his favorite to the great prejudice + of the few honest people he still had about him, and of the secretary + who was at their head. The countenance of an upright man always gives + inquietude to knaves. Nothing more was necessary to make Vitali conceive + a hatred against me: but for this sentiment there was still another + cause which rendered it more cruel. Of this I must give an account, that + I may be condemned if I am found in the wrong. + </p> + <p> + The ambassador had, according to custom, a box at each of the theaters. + Every day at dinner he named the theater to which it was his intention + to go: I chose after him, and the gentlemen disposed of the other boxes. + When I went out I took the key of the box I had chosen. One day, Vitali + not being in the way, I ordered the footman who attended on me, to bring + me the key to a house which I named to him. Vitali, instead of sending + the key, said he had disposed of it. I was the more enraged at this as + the footman delivered his message in public. In the evening Vitali + wished to make me some apology, to which however I would not listen. "To—morrow, + sir," said I to him, "you will come at such an hour and apologize to me + in the house where I received the affront, and in the presence of the + persons who were witnesses to it; or after to—morrow, whatever may + be the consequences, either you or I will leave the house." This + firmness intimidated him. He came to the house at the hour appointed, + and made me a public apology, with a meanness worthy of himself. But he + afterwards took his measures at leisure, and at the same time that he + cringed to me in public, he secretly acted in so vile a manner, that + although unable to prevail on the ambassador to give me my dismission, + he laid me under the necessity of resolving to leave him. + </p> + <p> + A wretch like him, certainly, could not know me, but he knew enough of + my character to make it serviceable to his purposes. He knew I was mild + to an excess, and patient in bearing involuntary wrongs; but haughty and + impatient when insulted with premeditated offences; loving decency and + dignity in things in which these were requisite, and not more exact in + requiring the respect due to myself, than attentive in rendering that + which I owed to others. In this he undertook to disgust me, and in this + he succeeded. He turned the house upside down, and destroyed the order + and subordination I had endeavored to establish in it. A house without a + woman stands in need of rather a severe discipline to preserve that + modesty which is inseparable from dignity. He soon converted ours into a + place of filthy debauch and scandalous licentiousness, the haunt of + knaves and debauchees. He procured for second gentleman to his + excellency, in the place of him whom he got discharged, another pimp + like himself, who kept a house of ill—fame, at the Cross of Malta; + and the indecency of these two rascals was equalled by nothing but their + insolence. Except the bed-chamber of the ambassador, which, however, was + not in very good order, there was not a corner in the whole house + supportable to an modest man. + </p> + <p> + As his excellency did not sup, the gentleman and myself had a private + table, at which the Abbe Binis and the pages also eat. In the most + paltry ale-house people are served with more cleanliness and decency, + have cleaner linen, and a table better supplied. We had but one little + and very filthy candle, pewter plates, and iron forks. + </p> + <p> + I could have overlooked what passed in secret, but I was deprived of my + gondola. I was the only secretary to an ambassador, who was obliged to + hire one or go on foot, and the livery of his excellency no longer + accompanied me, except when I went to the senate. Besides, everything + which passed in the house was known in the city. All those who were in + the service of the other ambassadors loudly exclaimed; Dominic, the only + cause of all, exclaimed louder than anybody, well knowing the indecency + with which we were treated was more affecting to me than to any other + person. Though I was the only one in the house who said nothing of the + matter abroad, I complained loudly of it to the ambassador, as well as + of himself, who, secretly excited by the wretch, entirely devoted to his + will, daily made me suffer some new affront. Obliged to spend a good + deal to keep up a footing with those in the same situation with myself, + and to make are appearance proper to my employment, I could not touch a + farthing of my salary, and when I asked him for money, he spoke of his + esteem for me, and his confidence, as if either of these could have + filled my purse, and provided for everything. + </p> + <p> + These two banditti at length quite turned the head of their master, who + naturally had not a good one, and ruined him by a continual traffic, and + by bargains, of which he was the dupe, whilst they persuaded him they + were greatly in his favor. They persuaded him to take upon the Brenta, a + Palazzo, at twice the rent it was worth, and divided the surplus with + the proprietor. The apartments were inlaid with mosaic, and ornamented + with columns and pilasters, in the taste of the country. M. de Montaigu, + had all these superbly masked by fir wainscoting, for no other reason + than because at Paris apartments were thus fitted up. It was for a + similar reason that he only, of all the ambassadors who were at Venice, + took from his pages their swords, and from his footmen their canes. Such + was the man, who, perhaps from the same motive took a dislike to me on + account of my serving him faithfully. + </p> + <p> + I patiently endured his disdain, his brutality, and ill-treatment, as + long as, perceiving them accompanied by ill-humor, I thought they had in + them no portion of hatred; but the moment I saw the design formed of + depriving me of the honor I merited by my faithful services, I resolved + to resign my employment. The first mark I received of his ill will was + relative to a dinner he was to give to the Duke of Modena and his + family, who were at Venice, and at which he signified to me I should not + be present. I answered, piqued, but not angry, that having the honor + daily to dine at his table, if the Duke of Modena, when he came, + required I should not appear at it, my duty as well as the dignity of + his excellency would not suffer me to consent to such a request. "How;" + said he passionately, "my secretary, who is not a gentleman, pretends to + dine with a sovereign when my gentlemen do not!" "Yes, sir," replied I, + "the post with which your excellency has honored me, as long as I + discharge the functions of it, so far ennobles me that my rank is + superior to that of your gentlemen or of the persons calling themselves + such; and I am admitted where they cannot appear. You cannot but know + that on the day on which you shall make your public entry, I am called + to the ceremony by etiquette; and by an immemorial custom, to follow you + in a dress of ceremony, and afterwards to dine with you at the palace of + St. Mark; and I know not why a man who has a right and is to eat in + public with the doge and the senate of Venice should not eat in private + with the Duke of Modena." Though this argument was unanswerable, it did + not convince the ambassador; but we had no occasion to renew the + dispute, as the Duke of Modena did not come to dine with him. + </p> + <p> + From that moment he did everything in his power to make things + disagreeable to me; and endeavored unjustly to deprive me of my rights, + by taking from me the pecuniary advantages annexed to my employment, to + give them to his dear Vitali; and I am convinced that had he dared to + send him to the senate, in my place, he would have done it. He commonly + employed the Abbe Binis in his closet, to write his private letters: he + made use of him to write to M. de Maurepas an account of the affair of + Captain Olivet, in which, far from taking the least notice of me, the + only person who gave himself any concern about the matter, he deprived + me of the honor of the depositions, of which he sent him a duplicate, + for the purpose of attributing them to Patizel, who had not opened his + mouth. He wished to mortify me, and please his favorite; but had no + desire to dismiss me his service. He perceived it would be more + difficult to find me a successor, than M. Follau, who had already made + him known to the world. An Italian secretary was absolutely necessary to + him, on account of the answers from the senate; one who could write all + his despatches, and conduct his affairs, without his giving himself the + least trouble about anything; a person who, to the merit of serving him + well, could join the baseness of being the toad-eater of his gentlemen, + without honor, merit, or principles. He wished to retain, and humble me, + by keeping me far from my country, and his own, without money to return + to either, and in which he would, perhaps, had succeeded, had he began + with more moderation: but Vitali, who had other views, and wished to + force me to extremities, carried his point. The moment I perceived, I + lost all my trouble, that the ambassador imputed to me my services as so + many crimes, instead of being satisfied with them; that with him I had + nothing to expect, but things disagreeable at home, and injustice + abroad; and that, in the general disesteem into which he was fallen, his + ill offices might be prejudicial to me, without the possibility of my + being served by his good ones; I took my resolution, and asked him for + my dismission, leaving him sufficient time to provide himself with + another secretary. Without answering yes or no, he continued to treat me + in the same manner, as if nothing had been said. Perceiving things to + remain in the same state, and that he took no measures to procure + himself a new secretary, I wrote to his brother, and, explaining to him + my motives, begged he would obtain my dismission from his excellency, + adding that whether I received it or not, I could not possibly remain + with him. I waited a long time without any answer, and began to be + embarrassed: but at length the ambassador received a letter from his + brother, which must have remonstrated with him in very plain terms; for + although he was extremely subject to ferocious rage, I never saw him so + violent as on this occasion. After torrents of unsufferable reproaches, + not knowing what more to say, he accused me of having sold his ciphers. + I burst into a loud laughter, and asked him, in a sneering manner, if he + thought there was in Venice a man who would be fool enough to give half + a crown for them all. He threatened to call his servants to throw me out + of the window. Until then I had been very composed; but on this threat, + anger and indignation seized me in my turn. I sprang to the door, and + after having turned a button which fastened it within: "No, count," said + I, returning to him with a grave step, "Your servants shall have nothing + to do with this affair; please to let it be settled between ourselves." + My action and manner instantly made him calm; fear and surprise were + marked in his countenance. The moment I saw his fury abated, I bid him + adieu in a very few words, and without waiting for his answer, went to + the door, opened it, and passed slowly across the antechamber, through + the midst of his people, who rose according to custom, and who, I am of + opinion, would rather have lent their assistance against him than me. + Without going back to my apartment, I descended the stairs, and + immediately went out of the palace never more to enter it. + </p> + <p> + I hastened immediately to M. le Blond and related to him what had + happened. Knowing the man, he was but little surprised. He kept me to + dinner. This dinner, although without preparation, was splendid. All the + French of consequence who were at Venice, partook of it. The ambassador + had not a single person. The consul related my case to the company. The + cry was general, and by no means in favor of his excellency. He had not + settled my account, nor paid me a farthing, and being reduced to the few + louis I had in my pocket, I was extremely embarrassed about my return to + France. Every purse was opened to me. I took twenty sequins from that of + M. le Blond, and as many from that of M. St. Cyr, with whom, next to M. + le Blond, I was the most intimately connected. I returned thanks to the + rest; and, till my departure, went to lodge at the house of the + chancellor of the consulship, to prove to the public, the nation was not + an accomplice in the injustice of the ambassador. + </p> + <p> + His excellency, furious at seeing me taken notice of in my misfortune, + at the same time that, notwithstanding his being an ambassador, nobody + went near his house, quite lost his senses and behaved like a madman. He + forgot himself so far as to present a memoir to the senate to get me + arrested. On being informed of this by the Abbe de Binis, I resolved to + remain a fortnight longer, instead of setting off the next day as I had + intended. My conduct had been known and approved of by everybody; I was + universally esteemed. The senate did not deign to return an answer to + the extravagant memoir of the ambassador, but sent me word I might + remain in Venice as long as I thought proper, without making myself + uneasy about the attempts of a madman. I continued to see my friends: I + went to take leave of the ambassador from Spain, who received me well, + and of the Comte de Finochietti, minister from Naples, whom I did not + find at home. I wrote him a letter and received from his excellency the + most polite and obliging answer. At length I took my departure, leaving + behind me, notwithstanding my embarrassment, no other debts than the two + sums I had borrowed, and of which I have just spoken; and an account of + fifty crowns with a shopkeeper, of the name of Morandi, which Carrio + promised to pay, and which I have never reimbursed him, although we have + frequently met since that time; but with respect to the two sums of + money, I returned them very exactly the moment I had it in my power. + </p> + <p> + I cannot take leave of Venice without saying something of the celebrated + amusements of that city, or at least of the little part of them of which + I partook during my residence there. It has been seen how little in my + youth I ran after the pleasures of that age, or those that are so + called. My inclinations did not change at Venice, but my occupations, + which moreover would have prevented this, rendered more agreeable to me + the simple recreations I permitted myself. The first and most pleasing + of all was the society of men of merit. M. le Blond, de St. Cyr, Carrio + Altuna, and a Forlinian gentleman, whose name I am very sorry to have + forgotten, and whom I never call to my recollection without emotion: he + was the man of all I ever knew whose heart most resembled my own. We + were connected with two or three Englishmen of great wit and + information, and, like ourselves, passionately fond of music. All these + gentlemen had their wives, female friends, or mistresses: the latter + were most of them women of talents, at whose apartments there were balls + and concerts. There was but little play; a lively turn, talents, and the + theatres rendered this amusement incipid. Play is the resource of none + but men whose time hangs heavy on their hands. I had brought with me + from Paris the prejudice of that city against Italian music; but I had + also received from nature a sensibility and niceness of distinction + which prejudice cannot withstand. I soon contracted that passion for + Italian music with which it inspires all those who are capable of + feeling its excellence. In listening to barcaroles, I found I had not + yet known what singing was, and I soon became so fond of the opera that, + tired of babbling, eating, and playing in the boxes when I wished to + listen, I frequently withdrew from the company to another part of the + theater. There, quite alone, shut up in my box, I abandoned myself, + notwithstanding the length of the representation, to the pleasure of + enjoying it at ease unto the conclusion. One evening at the theatre of + Saint Chrysostom, I fell into a more profound sleep than I should have + done in my bed. The loud and brilliant airs did not disturb my repose. + But who can explain the delicious sensations given me by the soft + harmony of the angelic music, by which I was charmed from sleep; what an + awaking! what ravishment! what ecstasy, when at the same instant I + opened my ears and eyes! My first idea was to believe I was in paradise. + The ravishing air, which I still recollect and shall never forget, began + with these words: + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + Conservami la bella, Che si m'accende il cor. + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + I was desirous of having it; I had and kept it for a time; but it was + not the same thing upon paper as in my head. The notes were the same but + the thing was different. This divine composition can never be executed + but in my mind, in the same manner as it was the evening on which it + woke me from sleep. + </p> + <p> + A kind of music far superior, in my opinion, to that of operas, and + which in all Italy has not its equal, nor perhaps in the whole world, is + that of the 'scuole'. The 'scuole' are houses of charity, established + for the education of young girls without fortune, to whom the republic + afterwards gives a portion either in marriage or for the cloister. + Amongst talents cultivated in these young girls, music is in the first + rank. Every Sunday at the church of each of the four 'scuole', during + vespers, motettos or anthems with full choruses, accompanied by a great + orchestra, and composed and directed by the best masters in Italy, are + sung in the galleries by girls only; not one of whom is more than twenty + years of age. I have not an idea of anything so voluptuous and affecting + as this music; the richness of the art, the exquisite taste of the vocal + part, the excellence of the voices, the justness of the execution, + everything in these delightful concerts concurs to produce an impression + which certainly is not the mode, but from which I am of opinion no heart + is secure. Carrio and I never failed being present at these vespers of + the 'Mendicanti', and we were not alone. The church was always full of + the lovers of the art, and even the actors of the opera came there to + form their tastes after these excellent models. What vexed me was the + iron grate, which suffered nothing to escape but sounds, and concealed + from me the angels of which they were worthy. I talked of nothing else. + One day I spoke of it at Le Blond's; "If you are so desirous," said he, + "to see those little girls, it will be an easy matter to satisfy your + wishes. I am one of the administrators of the house, I will give you a + collation with them." I did not let him rest until he had fulfilled his + promise. In entering the saloon, which contained these beauties I so + much sighed to see, I felt a trembling of love which I had never before + experienced. M. le Blond presented to me one after the other, these + celebrated female singers, of whom the names and voices were all with + which I was acquainted. Come, Sophia,—she was horrid. Come, + Cattina,—she had but one eye. Come, Bettina,—the small-pox + had entirely disfigured her. Scarcely one of them was without some + striking defect. + </p> + <p> + Le Blond laughed at my surprise; however, two or three of them appeared + tolerable; these never sung but in the choruses; I was almost in + despair. During the collation we endeavored to excite them, and they + soon became enlivened; ugliness does not exclude the graces, and I found + they possessed them. I said to myself, they cannot sing in this manner + without intelligence and sensibility, they must have both; in fine, my + manner of seeing them changed to such a degree that I left the house + almost in love with each of these ugly faces. I had scarcely courage + enough to return to vespers. But after having seen the girls, the danger + was lessened. I still found their singing delightful; and their voices + so much embellished their persons that, in spite of my eyes, I + obstinately continued to think them beautiful. + </p> + <p> + Music in Italy is accompanied with so trifling an expense, that it is + not worth while for such as have a taste for it to deny themselves the + pleasure it affords. I hired a harpsichord, and, for half a crown, I had + at my apartment four or five symphonists, with whom I practised once a + week in executing such airs, etc., as had given me most pleasure at the + opera. I also had some symphonies performed from my 'Muses Galantes'. + Whether these pleased the performers, or the ballet-master of St. John + Chrysostom wished to flatter me, he desired to have two of them; and I + had afterwards the pleasure of hearing these executed by that admirable + orchestra. They were danced to by a little Bettina, pretty and amiable, + and kept by a Spaniard, M. Fagoaga, a friend of ours with whom we often + went to spend the evening. But apropos of girls of easy virtue: it is + not in Venice that a man abstains from them. Have you nothing to + confess, somebody will ask me, upon this subject? Yes: I have something + to say upon it, and I will proceed to the confession with the same + ingenuousness with which I have made my former ones. + </p> + <p> + I always had a disinclination to girls of pleasure, but at Venice those + were all I had within my reach; most of the houses being shut against me + on account of my place. The daughters of M. le Blond were very amiable, + but difficult of access; and I had too much respect for the father and + mother ever once to have the least desire for them. + </p> + <p> + I should have had a much stronger inclination to a young lady named + Mademoiselle de Cataneo, daughter to the agent from the King of Prussia, + but Carrio was in love with her there was even between them some + question of marriage. He was in easy circumstances, and I had no + fortune: his salary was a hundred louis (guineas) a year, and mine + amounted to no more than a thousand livres (about forty pounds sterling) + and, besides my being unwilling to oppose a friend, I knew that in all + places, and especially at Venice, with a purse so ill furnished as mine + was, gallantry was out of the question. I had not lost the pernicious + custom of deceiving my wants. Too busily employed forcibly to feel those + proceeding from the climate, I lived upwards of a year in that city as + chastely as I had done in Paris, and at the end of eighteen months I + quitted it without having approached the sex, except twice by means of + the singular opportunities of which I am going to speak. + </p> + <p> + The first was procured me by that honest gentleman, Vitali, some time + after the formal apology I obliged him to make me. The conversation at + the table turned on the amusements of Venice. These gentlemen reproached + me with my indifference with regard to the most delightful of them all; + at the same time extolling the gracefulness and elegant manners of the + women of easy virtue of Venice; and adding that they were superior to + all others of the same description in any other part of the world. + "Dominic," said I, "(I)must make an acquaintance with the most amiable + of them all," he offered to take me to her apartments, and assured me I + should be pleased with her. I laughed at this obliging offer: and Count + Piati, a man in years and venerable, observed to me, with more candor + than I should have expected from an Italian, that he thought me too + prudent to suffer myself to be taken to such a place by my enemy. In + fact I had no inclination to do it: but notwithstanding this, by an + incoherence I cannot myself comprehend, I at length was prevailed upon + to go, contrary to my inclination, the sentiment of my heart, my reason, + and even my will; solely from weakness, and being ashamed to show an + appearance to the least mistrust; and besides, as the expression of the + country is, 'per non parer troppo cogliono'—[Not to appear too + great a blockhead.]—The 'Padoana' whom we went to visit was + pretty, she was even handsome, but her beauty was not of that kind that + pleased me. Dominic left me with her, I sent for Sorbetti, and asked her + to sing. In about half an hour I wished to take my leave, after having + put a ducat on the table, but this by a singular scruple she refused + until she had deserved it, and I from as singular a folly consented to + remove her doubts. I returned to the palace so fully persuaded that I + should feel the consequences of this step, that the first thing I did + was to send for the king's surgeon to ask him for ptisans. Nothing can + equal the uneasiness of mind I suffered for three weeks, without its + being justified by any real inconvenience or apparent sign. I could not + believe it was possible to withdraw with impunity from the arms of the + 'padoana'. The surgeon himself had the greatest difficulty in removing + my apprehensions; nor could he do this by any other means than by + persuading me I was formed in such a manner as not to be easily + infected: and although in the experiment I exposed myself less than any + other man would have done, my health in that respect never having + suffered the least inconvenience, in my opinion a proof the surgeon was + right. However, this has never made me imprudent, and if in fact I have + received such an advantage from nature I can safely assert I have never + abused it. + </p> + <p> + My second adventure, although likewise with a common girl, was of a + nature very different, as well in its origin as in its effects; I have + already said that Captain Olivet gave me a dinner on board his vessel, + and that I took with me the secretary of the Spanish embassy. I expected + a salute of cannon. + </p> + <p> + The ship's company was drawn up to receive us, but not so much as a + priming was burnt, at which I was mortified, on account of Carrio, whom + I perceived to be rather piqued at the neglect. A salute of cannon was + given on board merchant-ships to people of less consequence than we + were; I besides thought I deserved some distinguished mark of respect + from the captain. I could not conceal my thoughts, because this at all + times was impossible to me, and although the dinner was a very good one, + and Olivet did the honors of it perfectly well, I began it in an ill + humor, eating but little, and speaking still less. At the first health, + at least, I expected a volley; nothing. Carrio, who read what passed + within, me, laughed at hearing me grumble like a child. Before dinner + was half over I saw a gondola approach the vessel. "Bless me, sir," said + the captain, "take care of yourself, the enemy approaches." I asked him + what he meant, and he answered jocosely. The gondola made the ship's + side, and I observed a gay young damsel come on board very lightly, and + coquettishly dressed, and who at three steps was in the cabin, seated by + my side, before I had time to perceive a cover was laid for her. She was + equally charming and lively, a brunette, not more than twenty years of + age. She spoke nothing but Italian, and her accent alone was sufficient + to turn my head. As she eat and chattered she cast her eyes upon me; + steadfastly looked at me for a moment, and then exclaimed, "Good Virgin! + Ah, my dear Bremond, what an age it is since I saw thee!" Then she threw + herself into my arms, sealed her lips to mine, and pressed me almost to + strangling. Her large black eyes, like those of the beauties of the + East, darted fiery shafts into my heart, and although the surprise at + first stupefied my senses, voluptuousness made a rapid progress within, + and this to such a degree that the beautiful seducer herself was, + notwithstanding the spectators, obliged to restrain my ardor, for I was + intoxicated, or rather become furious. When she perceived she had made + the impression she desired, she became more moderate in her caresses, + but not in her vivacity, and when she thought proper to explain to us + the real or false cause of all her petulance, she said I resembled M. de + Bremond, director of the customs of Tuscany, to such a degree as to be + mistaken for him; that she had turned this M. de Bremond's head, and + would do it again; that she had quitted him because he was a fool; that + she took me in his place; that she would love me because it pleased her + so to do, for which reason I must love her as long as it was agreeable + to her, and when she thought proper to send me about my business, I must + be patient as her dear Bremond had been. What was said was done. She + took possession of me as of a man that belonged to her, gave me her + gloves to keep, her fan, her cinda, and her coif, and ordered me to go + here or there, to do this or that, and I instantly obeyed her. She told + me to go and send away her gondola, because she chose to make use of + mine, and I immediately sent it away; she bid me to move from my place, + and pray Carrio to sit down in it, because she had something to say to + him; and I did as she desired. They chatted a good while together, but + spoke low, and I did not interrupt them. She called me, and I approached + her. "Hark thee, Zanetto," said she to me, "I will not be loved in the + French manner; this indeed will not be well. In the first moment of + lassitude, get thee gone: but stay not by the way, I caution thee." + After dinner we went to see the glass manufactory at Murano. She bought + a great number of little curiosities; for which she left me to pay + without the least ceremony. But she everywhere gave away little trinkets + to a much greater amount than of the things we had purchased. By the + indifference with which she threw away her money, I perceived she + annexed to it but little value. When she insisted upon a payment, I am + of opinion it was more from a motive of vanity than avarice. She was + flattered by the price her admirers set upon her favors. + </p> + <p> + In the evening we conducted her to her apartments. As we conversed + together, I perceived a couple of pistols upon her toilette. "Ah! Ah!" + said I, taking one of them up, "this is a patchbox of a new + construction: may I ask what is its use? I know you have other arms + which give more fire than those upon your table." After a few + pleasantries of the same kind, she said to us, with an ingenuousness + which rendered her still more charming, "When I am complaisant to + persons whom I do not love, I make them pay for the weariness they cause + me; nothing can be more just; but if I suffer their caresses, I will not + bear their insults; nor miss the first who shall be wanting to me in + respect." + </p> + <p> + At taking leave of her, I made another appointment for the next day. I + did not make her wait. I found her in 'vestito di conidenza', in an + undress more than wanton, unknown to northern countries, and which I + will not amuse myself in describing, although I recollect it perfectly + well. I shall only remark that her ruffles and collar were edged with + silk network ornamented with rose—colored pompons. This, in my + eyes, much enlivened a beautiful complexion. I afterwards found it to be + the mode at Venice, and the effect is so charming that I am surprised it + has never been introduced in France. I had no idea of the transports + which awaited me. I have spoken of Madam de Larnage with the transport + which the remembrance of her still sometimes gives me; but how old, ugly + and cold she appeared, compared with my Zulietta! Do not attempt to form + to yourself an idea of the charms and graces of this enchanting girl, + you will be far too short of truth. Young virgins in cloisters are not + so fresh: the beauties of the seraglio are less animated: the houris of + paradise less engaging. Never was so sweet an enjoyment offered to the + heart and senses of a mortal. Ah! had I at least been capable of fully + tasting of it for a single moment! I had tasted of it, but without a + charm. I enfeebled all its delights: I destroyed them as at will. No; + Nature has not made me capable of enjoyment. She has infused into my + wretched head the poison of that ineffable happiness, the desire of + which she first placed in my heart. + </p> + <p> + If there be a circumstance in my life, which describes my nature, it is + that which I am going to relate. The forcible manner in which I at this + moment recollect the object of my book, will here make me hold in + contempt the false delicacy which would prevent me from fulfilling it. + Whoever you may be who are desirous of knowing a man, have the courage + to read the two or three following pages, and you will become fully + acquainted with J. J. Rousseau. + </p> + <p> + I entered the chamber of a woman of easy virtue, as the sanctuary of + love and beauty: and in her person, I thought I saw the divinity. I + should have been inclined to think that without respect and esteem it + was impossible to feel anything like that which she made me experience. + Scarcely had I, in her first familiarities, discovered the force of her + charms and caresses, before I wished, for fear of losing the fruit of + them, to gather it beforehand. Suddenly, instead of the flame which + consumed me, I felt a mortal cold run through all my veins; my legs + failed me; and ready to faint away, I sat down and wept like a child. + </p> + <p> + Who would guess the cause of my tears, and what, at this moment, passed + within me? I said to myself: the object in my power is the masterpiece + of love; her wit and person equally approach perfection; she is as good + and generous as she is amiable and beautiful. Yet she is a miserable + prostitute, abandoned to the public. The captain of a merchantship + disposed of her at will; she has thrown herself into my arms, although + she knows I have nothing; and my merit with which she cannot be + acquainted, can be to her no inducement. In this there is something + inconceivable. Either my heart deceives me, fascinates my senses, and + makes me the dupe of an unworthy slut, or some secret defect, of which I + am ignorant, destroys the effect of her charms, and renders her odious + in the eyes of those by whom her charms would otherwise be disputed. I + endeavored, by an extraordinary effort of mind, to discover this defect, + but it did not so much as strike me that even the consequences to be + apprehended, might possibly have some influence. The clearness of her + skin, the brilliancy of her complexion, her white teeth, sweet breath, + and the appearance of neatness about her person, so far removed from me + this idea, that, still in doubt relative to my situation after the + affair of the 'padoana', I rather apprehended I was not sufficiently in + health for her: and I am firmly persuaded I was not deceived in my + opinion. These reflections, so apropos, agitated me to such a degree as + to make me shed tears. Zuliette, to whom the scene was quite novel, was + struck speechless for a moment. But having made a turn in her chamber, + and passing before her glass, she comprehended, and my eyes confirmed + her opinion, that disgust had no part in what had happened. It was not + difficult for her to recover me and dispel this shamefacedness. + </p> + <p> + But, at the moment in which I was ready to faint upon a bosom, which for + the first time seemed to suffer the impression of the hand and lips of a + man, I perceived she had a withered 'teton'. I struck my forehead: I + examined, and thought I perceived this teton was not formed like the + other. I immediately began to consider how it was possible to have such + a defect, and persuaded of its proceeding from some great natural vice, + I was clearly convinced, that, instead of the most charming person of + whom I could form to myself an idea, I had in my arms a species of a + monster, the refuse of nature, of men and of love. I carried my + stupidity so far as to speak to her of the discovery I had made. She, at + first, took what I said jocosely; and in her frolicsome humor, did and + said things which made me die of love. But perceiving an inquietude I + could not conceal, she at length reddened, adjusted her dress, raised + herself up, and without saying a word, went and placed herself at a + window. I attempted to place myself by her side: she withdrew to a sofa, + rose from it the next moment, and fanning herself as she walked about + the chamber, said to me in a reserved and disdainful tone of voice, + "Zanetto, 'lascia le donne, a studia la matematica."—[Leave women + and study mathematics.] + </p> + <p> + Before I took leave I requested her to appoint another rendezvous for + the next day, which she postponed for three days, adding, with a + satirical smile, that I must needs be in want of repose. I was very ill + at ease during the interval; my heart was full of her charms and graces; + I felt my extravagance, and reproached myself with it, regretting the + loss of the moments I had so ill employed, and which, had I chosen, I + might have rendered more agreeable than any in my whole life; waiting + with the most burning impatience for the moment in which I might repair + the loss, and yet, notwithstanding all my reasoning upon what I had + discovered, anxious to reconcile the perfections of this adorable girl + with the indignity of her situation. I ran, I flew to her apartment at + the hour appointed. I know not whether or not her ardor would have been + more satisfied with this visit, her pride at least would have been + flattered by it, and I already rejoiced at the idea of my convincing + her, in every respect, that I knew how to repair the wrongs I had done. + She spared me this justification. The gondolier whom I had sent to her + apartment brought me for answer that she had set off, the evening + before, for Florence. If I had not felt all the love I had for her + person when this was in my possession, I felt it in the most cruel + manner on losing her. Amiable and charming as she was in my eyes, I + could not console myself for the loss of her; but this I have never been + able to do relative to the contemptuous idea which at her departure she + must have had of me. + </p> + <p> + These are my two narratives. The eighteen months I passed at Venice + furnished me with no other of the same kind, except a simple prospect at + most. Carrio was a gallant. Tired of visiting girls engaged to others, + he took a fancy to have one to himself, and, as we were inseparable, he + proposed to mean arrangement common enough at Venice, which was to keep + one girl for us both. To this I consented. The question was, to find one + who was safe. He was so industrious in his researches that he found out + a little girl from eleven to twelve years of age, whom her infamous + mother was endeavoring to sell, and I went with Carrio to see her. The + sight of the child moved me to the most lively compassion. She was fair + and as gentle as a lamb. Nobody would have taken her for an Italian. + Living is very cheap in Venice; we gave a little money to the mother, + and provided for the subsistence of her daughter. She had a voice, and + to procure her some resource we gave her a spinnet, and a singing—master. + All these expenses did not cost each of us more than two sequins a + month, and we contrived to save a much greater sum in other matters; but + as we were obliged to wait until she became of a riper age, this was + sowing a long time before we could possibly reap. However, satisfied + with passing our evenings, chatting and innocently playing with the + child, we perhaps enjoyed greater pleasure than if we had received the + last favors. So true is it that men are more attached to women by a + certain pleasure they have in living with them, than by any kind of + libertinism. My heart became insensibly attached to the little + Anzoletta, but my attachment was paternal, in which the senses had so + little share, that in proportion as the former increased, to have + connected it with the latter would have been less possible; and I felt I + should have experienced, at approaching this little creature when become + nubile, the same horror with which the abominable crime of incest would + have inspired me. I perceived the sentiments of Carrio take, unobserved + by himself, exactly the same turn. We thus prepared for ourselves, + without intending it, pleasure not less delicious, but very different + from that of which we first had an idea; and I am fully persuaded that + however beautiful the poor child might have become, far from being the + corrupters of her innocence we should have been the protectors of it. + The circumstance which shortly afterwards befell me deprived me, of the + happiness of taking a part in this good work, and my only merit in the + affair was the inclination of my heart. + </p> + <p> + I will now return to my journey. + </p> + <p> + My first intentions after leaving M. de Montaigu, was to retire to + Geneva, until time and more favorable circumstances should have removed + the obstacles which prevented my union with my poor mamma; but the + quarrel between me and M. de Montaigu being become public, and he having + had the folly to write about it to the court, I resolved to go there to + give an account of my conduct and complain of that of a madman. I + communicated my intention, from Venice, to M. du Theil, charged per + interim with foreign affairs after the death of M. Amelot. I set off as + soon as my letter, and took my route through Bergamo, Como, and Domo + D'Oscela, and crossing Saint Plomb. At Sion, M. de Chaignon, charge des + affaires from France, showed me great civility; at Geneva M. de la + Closure treated me with the same polite attention. I there renewed my + acquaintance with M. de Gauffecourt, from whom I had some money to + receive. I had passed through Nion without going to see my father: not + that this was a matter of indifference to me, but because I was + unwilling to appear before my mother-in-law, after the disaster which + had befallen me, certain of being condemned by her without being heard. + The bookseller, Du Villard, an old friend of my father's, reproached me + severely with this neglect. I gave him my reasons for it, and to repair + my fault, without exposing myself to meet my mother-in-law, I took a + chaise and we went together to Nion and stopped at a public house. Du + Villard went to fetch my father, who came running to embrace me. We + supped together, and, after passing an evening very agreeable to the + wishes of my heart, I returned the next morning to Geneva with Du + Villard, for whom I have ever since retained a sentiment of gratitude in + return for the service he did me on this occasion. + </p> + <p> + Lyons was a little out of my direct road, but I was determined to pass + through that city in order to convince myself of a knavish trick played + me by M. de Montaigu. I had sent me from Paris a little box containing a + waistcoat, embroidered with gold, a few pairs of ruffles, and six pairs + of white silk stockings; nothing more. Upon a proposition made me by M. + de Montaigu, I ordered this box to be added to his baggage. In the + apothecary's bill he offered me in payment of my salary, and which he + wrote out himself, he stated the weight of this box, which he called a + bale, at eleven hundred pounds, and charged me with the carriage of it + at an enormous rate. By the cares of M. Boy de la Tour, to whom I was + recommended by M. Roquin, his uncle, it was proved from the registers of + the customs of Lyons and Marseilles, that the said bale weighed no more + than forty-five pounds, and had paid carriage according to that weight. + I joined this authentic extract to the memoir of M, de Montaigu, and + provided with these papers and others containing stronger facts, I + returned to Paris, very impatient to make use of them. During the whole + of this long journey I had little adventures; at Como, in Valais, and + elsewhere. I there saw many curious things, amongst others the Boroma + islands, which are worthy of being described. But I am pressed by time, + and surrounded by spies. I am obliged to write in haste, and very + imperfectly, a work which requires the leisure and tranquility I do not + enjoy. If ever providence in its goodness grants me days more calm, I + shall destine them to new modelling this work, should I be able to do + it, or at least to giving a supplement, of which I perceive it stands in + the greatest need.—[I have given up this project.] + </p> + <p> + The news of my quarrel had reached Paris before me and on my arrival I + found the people in all the offices, and the public in general, + scandalized at the follies of the ambassador. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding this, the public talk at Venice, and the unanswerable + proof I exhibited, I could not obtain even the shadow of justice. Far + from obtaining satisfaction or reparation, I was left at the discretion + of the ambassador for my salary, and this for no other reason than + because, not being a Frenchman, I had no right to national protection, + and that it was a private affair between him and myself. Everybody + agreed I was insulted, injured, and unfortunate; that the ambassador was + mad, cruel, and iniquitous, and that the whole of the affair dishonored + him forever. But what of this! He was the ambassador, and I was nothing + more than the secretary. + </p> + <p> + Order, or that which is so called, was in opposition to my obtaining + justice, and of this the least shadow was not granted me. I supposed + that, by loudly complaining, and by publicly treating this madman in the + manner he deserved, I should at length be told to hold my tongue; this + was what I wished for, and I was fully determined not to obey until I + had obtained redress. But at that time there was no minister for foreign + affairs. I was suffered to exclaim, nay, even encouraged to do it, and + joined with; but the affair still remained in the same state, until, + tired of being in the right without obtaining justice, my courage at + length failed me, and let the whole drop. + </p> + <p> + The only person by whom I was ill received, and from whom I should have + least expected such an injustice, was Madam de Beuzenval. Full of the + prerogatives of rank and nobility, she could not conceive it was + possible an ambassador could ever be in the wrong with respect to his + secretary. The reception she gave me was conformable to this prejudice. + I was so piqued at it that, immediately after leaving her, I wrote her + perhaps one of the strongest and most violent letters that ever came + from my pen, and since that time I never once returned to her house. I + was better received by Father Castel; but, in the midst of his + Jesuitical wheedling I perceived him faithfully to follow one of the + great maxims of his society, which is to sacrifice the weak to the + powerful. The strong conviction I felt of the justice of my cause, and + my natural greatness of mind did not suffer me patiently to endure this + partiality. I ceased visiting Father Castel, and on that account, going + to the college of the Jesuits, where I knew nobody but himself. Besides + the intriguing and tyrannical spirit of his brethren, so different from + the cordiality of the good Father Hemet, gave me such a disgust for + their conversation that I have never since been acquainted with, nor + seen anyone of them except Father Berthier, whom I saw twice or thrice + at M. Dupin's, in conjunction with whom he labored with all his might at + the refutation of Montesquieu. + </p> + <p> + That I may not return to the subject, I will conclude what I have to say + of M. de Montaigu. I had told him in our quarrels that a secretary was + not what he wanted, but an attorney's clerk. He took the hint, and the + person whom he procured to succeed me was a real attorney, who in less + than a year robbed him of twenty or thirty thousand livres. He + discharged him, and sent him to prison, dismissed his gentleman with + disgrace, and, in wretchedness, got himself everywhere into quarrels, + received affronts which a footman would not have put up with, and, after + numerous follies, was recalled, and sent from the capital. It is very + probable that among the reprimands he received at court, his affair with + me was not forgotten. At least, a little time after his return he sent + his maitre d' hotel, to settle my account, and give me some money. I was + in want of it at that moment; my debts at Venice, debts of honor, if + ever there were any, lay heavy upon my mind. I made use of the means + which offered to discharge them, as well as the note of Zanetto Nani. I + received what was offered me, paid all my debts, and remained as before, + without a farthing in my pocket, but relieved from a weight which had + become insupportable. From that time I never heard speak of M. de + Montaigu until his death, with which I became acquainted by means of the + Gazette. The peace of God be with that poor man! He was as fit for the + functions of an ambassador as in my infancy I had been for those of + Grapignan.—[I have not been able to find this word in any + dictionary, nor does any Frenchman of letters of my acquaintance know + what it means.—T.]—However, it was in his power to have + honorably supported himself by my services, and rapidly to have advanced + me in a career to which the Comte de Gauvon had destined me in my youth, + and of the functions of which I had in a more advanced age rendered + myself capable. + </p> + <p> + The justice and inutility of my complaints, left in my mind seeds of + indignation against our foolish civil institutions, by which the welfare + of the public and real justice are always sacrificed to I know not what + appearance of order, and which does nothing more than add the sanction + of public authority to the oppression of the weak, and the iniquity of + the powerful. Two things prevented these seeds from putting forth at + that time as they afterwards did: one was, myself being in question in + the affair, and private interest, whence nothing great or noble ever + proceeded, could not draw from my heart the divine soarings, which the + most pure love, only of that which is just and sublime, can produce. The + other was the charm of friendship which tempered and calmed my wrath by + the ascendancy of a more pleasing sentiment. I had become acquainted at + Venice with a Biscayan, a friend of my friend Carrio's, and worthy of + being that of every honest man. This amiable young man, born with every + talent and virtue, had just made the tour of Italy to gain a taste for + the fine arts, and, imagining he had nothing more to acquire, intended + to return by the most direct road to his own country. I told him the + arts were nothing more than a relaxation to a genius like his, fit to + cultivate the sciences; and to give him a taste for these, I advised him + to make a journey to Paris and reside there for six months. He took my + advice, and went to Paris. He was there and expected me when I arrived. + His lodging was too considerable for him, and he offered me the half of + it, which I instantly accepted. I found him absorbed in the study of the + sublimest sciences. Nothing was above his reach. He digested everything + with a prodigious rapidity. How cordially did he thank me for having + procured him this food for his mind, which was tormented by a thirst + after knowledge, without his being aware of it! What a treasure of light + and virtue I found in the vigorous mind of this young man! I felt he was + the friend I wanted. We soon became intimate. Our tastes were not the + same, and we constantly disputed. Both opinionated, we never could agree + about anything. Nevertheless we could not separate; and, notwithstanding + our reciprocal and incessant contradiction, we neither of us wished the + other to be different from what he was. + </p> + <p> + Ignacio Emanuel de Altuna was one of those rare beings whom only Spain + produces, and of whom she produces too few for her glory. He had not the + violent national passions common in his own country. The idea of + vengeance could no more enter his head, than the desire of it could + proceed from his heart. His mind was too great to be vindictive, and I + have frequently heard him say, with the greatest coolness, that no + mortal could offend him. He was gallant, without being tender. He played + with women as with so many pretty children. He amused himself with the + mistresses of his friends, but I never knew him to have one of his own, + nor the least desire for it. The emanations from the virtue with which + his heart was stored, never permitted the fire of the passions to excite + sensual desires. + </p> + <p> + After his travels he married, died young, and left children; and, I am + as convinced as of my existence, that his wife was the first and only + woman with whom he ever tasted of the pleasures of love. + </p> + <p> + Externally he was devout, like a Spaniard, but in his heart he had the + piety of an angel. Except myself, he is the only man I ever saw whose + principles were not intolerant. He never in his life asked any person + his opinion in matters of religion. It was not of the least consequence + to him whether his friend was a Jew, a Protestant, a Turk, a Bigot, or + an Atheist, provided he was an honest man. Obstinate and headstrong in + matters of indifference, but the moment religion was in question, even + the moral part, he collected himself, was silent, or simply said: "I am + charged with the care of myself, only." It is astonishing so much + elevation of mind should be compatible with a spirit of detail carried + to minuteness. He previously divided the employment of the day by hours, + quarters and minutes; and so scrupulously adhered to this distribution, + that had the clock struck while he was reading a phrase, he would have + shut his book without finishing it. His portions of time thus laid out, + were some of them set apart to studies of one kind, and others to those + of another: he had some for reflection, conversation, divine service, + the reading of Locke, for his rosary, for visits, music and painting; + and neither pleasure, temptation, nor complaisance, could interrupt this + order: a duty he might have had to discharge was the only thing that + could have done it. When he gave me a list of his distribution, that I + might conform myself thereto, I first laughed, and then shed tears of + admiration. He never constrained anybody nor suffered constraint: he was + rather rough with people, who from politeness, attempted to put it upon + him. He was passionate without being sullen. I have often seen him warm, + but never saw him really angry with any person. Nothing could be more + cheerful than his temper: he knew how to pass and receive a joke; + raillery was one of his distinguished talents, and with which he + possessed that of pointed wit and repartee. When he was animated, he was + noisy and heard at a great distance; but whilst he loudly inveighed, a + smile was spread over his countenance, and in the midst of his warmth he + used some diverting expression which made all his hearers break out into + a loud laugh. He had no more of the Spanish complexion than of the + phlegm of that country. His skin was white, his cheeks finely colored, + and his hair of a light chestnut. He was tall and well made; his body + was well formed for the residence of his mind. + </p> + <p> + This wise—hearted as well as wise—headed man, knew mankind, + and was my friend; this was my only answer to such as are not so. We + were so intimately united, that our intention was to pass our days + together. In a few years I was to go to Ascoytia to live with him at his + estate; every part of the project was arranged the eve of his departure; + nothing was left undetermined, except that which depends not upon men in + the best concerted plans, posterior events. My disasters, his marriage, + and finally, his death, separated us forever. Some men would be tempted + to say, that nothing succeeds except the dark conspiracies of the + wicked, and that the innocent intentions of the good are seldom or never + accomplished. I had felt the inconvenience of dependence, and took a + resolution never again to expose myself to it; having seen the projects + of ambition, which circumstances had induced me to form, overturned in + their birth. Discouraged in the career I had so well begun, from which, + however, I had just been expelled, I resolved never more to attach + myself to any person, but to remain in an independent state, turning my + talents to the best advantage: of these I at length began to feel the + extent, and that I had hitherto had too modest an opinion of them. I + again took up my opera, which I had laid aside to go to Venice; and that + I might be less interrupted after the departure of Altuna, I returned to + my old hotel St. Quentin; which, in a solitary part of the town, and not + far from the Luxembourg, was more proper for my purpose than noisy Rue + St. Honor. + </p> + <p> + There the only consolation which Heaven suffered me to taste in my + misery, and the only one which rendered it supportable, awaited me. This + was not a trancient acquaintance; I must enter into some detail relative + to the manner in which it was made. + </p> + <p> + We had a new landlady from Orleans; she took for a needlewoman a girl + from her own country, of between twenty—two and twenty—three + years of age, and who, as well as the hostess, ate at our table. This + girl, named Theresa le Vasseur, was of a good family; her father was an + officer in the mint of Orleans, and her mother a shopkeeper; they had + many children. The function of the mint of Orleans being suppressed, the + father found himself without employment; and the mother having suffered + losses, was reduced to narrow circumstances. She quitted her business + and came to Paris with her husband and daughter, who, by her industry, + maintained all the three. + </p> + <p> + The first time I saw this girl at table, I was struck with her modesty; + and still more so with her lively yet charming look, which, with respect + to the impression it made upon me, was never equalled. Beside M. de + Bonnefond, the company was composed of several Irish priests, Gascons + and others of much the same description. Our hostess herself had not + made the best possible use of her time, and I was the only person at the + table who spoke and behaved with decency. Allurements were thrown out to + the young girl. I took her part, and the joke was then turned against + me. Had I had no natural inclination to the poor girl, compassion and + contradiction would have produced it in me: I was always a great friend + to decency in manners and conversation, especially in the fair sex. I + openly declared myself her champion, and perceived she was not + insensible of my attention; her looks, animated by the gratitude she + dared not express by words, were for this reason still more penetrating. + </p> + <p> + She was very timid, and I was as much so as herself. The connection + which this disposition common to both seemed to remove to a distance, + was however rapidly formed. Our landlady perceiving its progress, became + furious, and her brutality forwarded my affair with the young girl, who, + having no person in the house except myself to give her the least + support, was sorry to see me go from home, and sighed for the return of + her protector. The affinity our hearts bore to each other, and the + similarity of our dispositions, had soon their ordinary effect. She + thought she saw in me an honest man, and in this she was not deceived. I + thought I perceived in her a woman of great sensibility, simple in her + manners, and devoid of all coquetry:—I was no more deceived in her + than she in me. I began by declaring to her that I would never either + abandon or marry her. Love, esteem, artless sincerity were the ministers + of my triumph, and it was because her heart was tender and virtuous, + that I was happy without being presuming. + </p> + <p> + The apprehensions she was under of my not finding in her that for which + I sought, retarded my happiness more than every other circumstance. I + perceived her disconcerted and confused before she yielded her consent, + wishing to be understood and not daring to explain herself. Far from + suspecting the real cause of her embarrassment, I falsely imagined it to + proceed from another motive, a supposition highly insulting to her + morals, and thinking she gave me to understand my health might be + exposed to danger, I fell into so perplexed a state that, although it + was no restraint upon me, it poisoned my happiness during several days. + As we did not understand each other, our conversations upon this subject + were so many enigmas more than ridiculous. She was upon the point of + believing I was absolutely mad; and I on my part was as near not knowing + what else to think of her. At last we came to an explanation; she + confessed to me with tears the only fault of the kind of her whole life, + immediately after she became nubile; the fruit of her ignorance and the + address of her seducer. The moment I comprehended what she meant, I gave + a shout of joy. "A Hymen!" exclaimed I; "sought for at Paris, and at + twenty years of age! Ah my Theresa! I am happy in possessing thee, + virtuous and healthy as thou art, and in not finding that for which I + never sought." + </p> + <p> + At first amusement was my only object; I perceived I had gone further + and had given myself a companion. A little intimate connection with this + excellent girl, and a few reflections upon my situation, made me + discover that, while thinking of nothing more than my pleasures, I had + done a great deal towards my happiness. In the place of extinguished + ambition, a life of sentiment, which had entire possession of my heart, + was necessary to me. In a word, I wanted a successor to mamma: since I + was never again to live with her, it was necessary some person should + live with her pupil, and a person, too, in whom I might find that + simplicity and docility of mind and heart which she had found in me. It + was, moreover, necessary that the happiness of domestic life should + indemnify me for the splendid career I had just renounced. When I was + quite alone there was a void in my heart, which wanted nothing more than + another heart to fill it up. Fate had deprived me of this, or at least + in part alienated me from that for which by nature I was formed. From + that moment I was alone, for there never was for me the least thing + intermediate between everything and nothing. I found in Theresa the + supplement of which I stood in need; by means of her I lived as happily + as I possibly could do, according to the course of events. + </p> + <p> + I at first attempted to improve her mind. In this my pains were useless. + Her mind is as nature formed it: it was not susceptible of cultivation. + I do not blush in acknowledging she never knew how to read well, + although she writes tolerably. When I went to lodge in the Rue Neuve des + Petits Champs, opposite to my windows at the Hotel de Ponchartrain, + there was a sun-dial, on which for a whole month I used all my efforts + to teach her to know the hours; yet, she scarcely knows them at present. + She never could enumerate the twelve months of the year in order, and + cannot distinguish one numeral from another, notwithstanding all the + trouble I took endeavoring to teach them to her. She neither knows how + to count money, nor to reckon the price of anything. The word which when + she speaks, presents itself to her mind, is frequently opposite to that + of which she means to make use. I formerly made a dictionary of her + phrases, to amuse M. de Luxembourg, and her 'qui pro quos' often became + celebrated among those with whom I was most intimate. But this person, + so confined in her intellects, and, if the world pleases, so stupid, can + give excellent advice in cases of difficulty. In Switzerland, in England + and in France, she frequently saw what I had not myself perceived; she + has often given me the best advice I could possibly follow; she has + rescued me from dangers into which I had blindly precipitated myself, + and in the presence of princes and the great, her sentiments, good + sense, answers, and conduct have acquired her universal esteem, and + myself the most sincere congratulations on her merit. With persons whom + we love, sentiment fortifies the mind as well as the heart; and they who + are thus attached, have little need of searching for ideas elsewhere. + </p> + <p> + I lived with my Theresa as agreeably as with the finest genius in the + world. Her mother, proud of having been brought up under the Marchioness + of Monpipeau, attempted to be witty, wished to direct the judgment of + her daughter, and by her knavish cunning destroyed the simplicity of our + intercourse. + </p> + <p> + The fatigue of this opportunity made me in some degree surmount the + foolish shame which prevented me from appearing with Theresa in public; + and we took short country walks, tete-a-tete, and partook of little + collations, which, to me, were delicious. I perceived she loved me + sincerely, and this increased my tenderness. This charming intimacy left + me nothing to wish; futurity no longer gave me the least concern, or at + most appeared only as the present moment prolonged: I had no other + desire than that of insuring its duration. + </p> + <p> + This attachment rendered all other dissipation superfluous and insipid + to me. As I only went out for the purpose of going to the apartment of + Theresa, her place of residence almost became my own. My retirement was + so favorable to the work I had undertaken, that, in less than three + months, my opera was entirely finished, both words and music, except a + few accompaniments, and fillings up which still remained to be added. + This maneuvering business was very fatiguing to me. I proposed it to + Philidor, offering him at the same time a part of the profits. He came + twice, and did something to the middle parts in the act of Ovid; but he + could not confine himself to an assiduous application by the allurement + of advantages which were distant and uncertain. He did not come a third + time, and I finished the work myself. + </p> + <p> + My opera completed, the next thing was to make something of it: this was + by much the more difficult task of the two. A man living in solitude in + Paris will never succeed in anything. I was on the point of making my + way by means of M. de la Popliniere, to whom Gauffecourt, at my return + to Geneva had introduced me. M. de la Popliniere was the Mecaenas of + Rameau; Madam de la Popliniere his very humble scholar. Rameau was said + to govern in that house. Judging that he would with pleasure protect the + work of one of his disciples, I wished to show him what I had done. He + refused to examine it; saying he could not read score, it was too + fatiguing to him. M. de la Popliniere, to obviate this difficulty, said + he might hear it; and offered me to send for musicians to execute + certain detached pieces. I wished for nothing better. Rameau consented + with an ill grace, incessantly repeating that the composition of a man + not regularly bred to the science, and who had learned music without a + master, must certainly be very fine! I hastened to copy into parts five + or six select passages. Ten symphonies were procured, and Albert, + Berard, and Mademoiselle Bourbonois undertook the vocal part. Remeau, + the moment he heard the overture, was purposely extravagant in his + eulogium, by which he intended it should be understood it could not be + my composition. He showed signs of impatience at every passage: but + after a counter tenor song, the air of which was noble and harmonious, + with a brilliant accompaniment, he could no longer contain himself; he + apostrophised me with a brutality at which everybody was shocked, + maintaining that a part of what he had heard was by a man experienced in + the art, and the rest by some ignorant person who did not so much as + understand music. It is true my composition, unequal and without rule, + was sometimes sublime, and at others insipid, as that of a person who + forms himself in an art by the soarings of his own genius, unsupported + by science, must necessarily be. Rameau pretended to see nothing in me + but a contemptible pilferer, without talents or taste. The rest of the + company, among whom I must distinguish the master of the house, were of + a different opinion. M. de Richelieu, who at that time frequently + visited M. and Madam de la Popliniere, heard them speak of my work, and + wished to hear the whole of it, with an intention, if it pleased him, to + have it performed at court. The opera was executed with full choruses, + and by a great orchestra, at the expense of the king, at M. de + Bonneval's intendant of the Menus; Francoeur directed the band. The + effect was surprising: the duke never ceased to exclaim and applaud; + and, at the end of one of the choruses, in the act of Tasso, he arose + and came to me, and, pressing my hand, said: "M. Rousseau, this is + transporting harmony. I never heard anything finer. I will get this + performed at Versailles." + </p> + <p> + Madam de la Poliniere, who was present, said not a word. Rameau, + although invited, refused to come. The next day, Madam de la Popliniere + received me at her toilette very ungraciously, affected to undervalue my + piece, and told me, that although a little false glitter had at first + dazzled M. de Richelieu, he had recovered from his error, and she + advised me not to place the least dependence upon my opera. The duke + arrived soon after, and spoke to me in quite a different language. He + said very flattering things of my talents, and seemed as much disposed + as ever to have my composition performed before the king. "There is + nothing," said he, "but the act of Tasso which cannot pass at court: you + must write another." Upon this single word I shut myself up in my + apartment; and in three weeks produced, in the place of Tasso, another + act, the subject of which was Hesiod inspired by the muses. In this I + found the secret of introducing a part of the history of my talents, and + of the jealousy with which Rameau had been pleased to honor me. There + was in the new act an elevation less gigantic and better supported than + in the act of Tasso. The music was as noble and the composition better; + and had the other two acts been equal to this, the whole piece would + have supported a representation to advantage. But whilst I was + endeavoring to give it the last finishing, another undertaking suspended + the completion of that I had in my hand. In the winter which succeeded + the battle of Fontenoi, there were many galas at Versailles, and several + operas performed at the theater of the little stables. Among the number + of the latter was the dramatic piece of Voltaire, entitled 'La Princesse + de Navarre', the music by Rameau, the name of which has just been + changed to that of 'Fetes de Ramire'. This new subject required several + changes to be made in the divertissements, as well in the poetry as in + the music. + </p> + <p> + A person capable of both was now sought after. Voltaire was in Lorraine, + and Rameau also; both of whom were employed on the opera of the Temple + of Glory, and could not give their attention to this. M. de Richelieu + thought of me, and sent to desire I would undertake the alterations; + and, that I might the better examine what there was to do, he gave me + separately the poem and the music. In the first place, I would not touch + the words without the consent of the author, to whom I wrote upon the + subject a very polite and respectful letter, such a one as was proper; + and received from him the following answer: + </p> + <p> + "SIR: In you two talents, which hitherto have always been separated, are + united. These are two good reasons for me to esteem and to endeavor to + love you. I am sorry, on your account, you should employ these talents + in a work which is so little worthy of them. A few months ago the Duke + de Richelieu commanded me to make, absolutely in the twinkling of an + eye, a little and bad sketch of a few insipid and imperfect scenes to be + adapted to divertissements which are not of a nature to be joined with + them. I obeyed with the greatest exactness. I wrote very fast, and very + ill. I sent this wretched production to M. de Richelieu, imagining he + would make no use of it, or that I should have it again to make the + necessary corrections. Happily it is in your hands, and you are at full + liberty to do with it whatever you please: I have entirely lost sight of + the thing. I doubt not but you will have corrected all the faults which + cannot but abound in so hasty a composition of such a very simple + sketch, and am persuaded you will have supplied whatever was wanting. + </p> + <p> + "I remember that, among other stupid inattentions, no account is given + in the scenes which connect the divertissements of the manner in which + the Grenadian prince immediately passes from a prison to a garden or + palace. As it is not a magician but a Spanish nobleman who gives her the + gala, I am of opinion nothing should be effected by enchantment. + </p> + <p> + "I beg, sir, you will examine this part, of which I have but a confused + idea. + </p> + <p> + "You will likewise consider, whether or not it be necessary the prison + should be opened, and the princess conveyed from it to a fine palace, + gilt and varnished, and prepared for her. I know all this is wretched, + and that it is beneath a thinking being to make a serious affair of such + trifles; but, since we must displease as little as possible, it is + necessary we should conform to reason, even in a bad divertissement of + an opera. + </p> + <p> + "I depend wholly upon you and M. Ballot, and soon expect to have the + honor of returning you my thanks, and assuring you how much I am, etc." + </p> + <p> + There is nothing surprising in the great politeness of this letter, + compared with the almost crude ones which he has since written to me. He + thought I was in great favor with Madam Richelieu; and the courtly + suppleness, which everyone knows to be the character of this author, + obliged him to be extremely polite to a new comer, until he become + better acquainted with the measure of the favor and patronage he + enjoyed. + </p> + <p> + Authorized by M. de Voltaire, and not under the necessity of giving + myself the least concern about M. Rameau, who endeavored to injure me, I + set to work, and in two months my undertaking was finished. With respect + to the poetry, it was confined to a mere trifle; I aimed at nothing more + than to prevent the difference of style from being perceived, and had + the vanity to think I had succeeded. The musical part was longer and + more laborious. Besides my having to compose several preparatory pieces, + and, amongst others, the overture, all the recitative, with which I was + charged, was extremely difficult on account of the necessity there was + of connecting, in a few verses, and by very rapid modulations, + symphonies and choruses, in keys very different from each other; for I + was determined neither to change nor transpose any of the airs, that + Rameau might not accuse me of having disfigured them. I succeeded in the + recitative; it was well accented, full of energy and excellent + modulation. The idea of two men of superior talents, with whom I was + associated, had elevated my genius, and I can assert, that in this + barren and inglorious task, of which the public could have no knowledge, + I was for the most part equal to my models. + </p> + <p> + The piece, in the state to which I had brought it, was rehearsed in the + great theatre of the opera. Of the three authors who had contributed to + the production, I was the only one present. Voltaire was not in Paris, + and Rameau either did not come, or concealed himself. The words of the + first monologue were very mournful; they began with: + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + O Mort! viens terminer les malheurs de ma vie. + </p> + <p> + [O Death! hasten to terminate the misfortunes of my life.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + To these, suitable music was necessary. It was, however, upon this that + Madam de la Popliniere founded her censure; accusing me, with much + bitterness, of having composed a funeral anthem. M. de Richelieu very + judiciously began by informing himself who was the author of the poetry + of this monologue; I presented him the manuscript he had sent me, which + proved it was by Voltaire. "In that case," said the duke, "Voltaire + alone is to blame." During the rehearsal, everything I had done was + disapproved by Madam de la Popliniere, and approved of by M. de + Richelieu; but I had afterwards to do with too powerful an adversary. It + was signified to me that several parts of my composition wanted + revising, and that on this it was necessary I should consult M. Rameau; + my heart was wounded by such a conclusion, instead of the eulogium I + expected, and which certainly I merited, and I returned to my apartment + overwhelmed with grief, exhausted with fatigue, and consumed by chagrin. + I was immediately taken ill, and confined to my chamber for upwards of + six weeks. + </p> + <p> + Rameau, who was charged with the alterations indicated by Madam de la + Popliniere, sent to ask me for the overture of my great opera, to + substitute it to that I had just composed. Happily I perceived the trick + he intended to play me, and refused him the overture. As the performance + was to be in five or six days, he had not time to make one, and was + obliged to leave that I had prepared. It was in the Italian taste, and + in a style at that time quite new in France. It gave satisfaction, and I + learned from M. de Valmalette, maitre d'hotel to the king, and + son-in-law to M. Mussard, my relation and friend, that the connoisseurs + were highly satisfied with my work, and that the public had not + distinguished it from that of Rameau. However, he and Madam de la + Popliniere took measures to prevent any person from knowing I had any + concern in the matter. In the books distributed to the audience, and in + which the authors are always named, Voltaire was the only person + mentioned, and Rameau preferred the suppression of his own name to + seeing it associated with mine. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I was in a situation to leave my room, I wished to wait upon + M. de Richelieu, but it was too late; he had just set off for Dunkirk, + where he was to command the expedition destined to Scotland. At his + return, said I to myself, to authorize my idleness, it will be too late + for my purpose, not having seen him since that time. I lost the honor of + my work and the emoluments it should have produced me, besides + considering my time, trouble, grief, and vexation, my illness, and the + money this cost me, without ever receiving the least benefit, or rather, + recompense. However, I always thought M. de Richelieu was disposed to + serve me, and that he had a favorable opinion of my talents; but my + misfortune, and Madam de la Popliniere, prevented the effect of his good + wishes. + </p> + <p> + I could not divine the reason of the aversion this lady had to me. I had + always endeavored to make myself agreeable to her, and regularly paid + her my court. Gauffecourt explained to me the causes of her dislike: + "The first," said he, "is her friendship for Rameau, of whom she is the + declared panegyrist, and who will not suffer a competitor; the next is + an original sin, which ruins you in her estimation, and which she will + never forgive; you are a Genevese." Upon this he told me the Abbe + Hubert, who was from the same city, and the sincere friend of M. de la + Popliniere, had used all his efforts to prevent him from marrying this + lady, with whose character and temper he was very well acquainted; and + that after the marriage she had vowed him an implacable hatred, as well + as all the Genevese. "Although La Popliniere has a friendship for you, + do not," said he, "depend upon his protection: he is still in love with + his wife: she hates you, and is vindictive and artful; you will never do + anything in that house." All this I took for granted. + </p> + <p> + The same Gauffecourt rendered me much about this time, a service of + which I stood in the greatest need. I had just lost my virtuous father, + who was about sixty years of age. I felt this loss less severely than I + should have done at any other time, when the embarrassments of my + situation had less engaged my attention. During his life-time I had + never claimed what remained of the property of my mother, and of which + he received the little interest. His death removed all my scruples upon + this subject. But the want of a legal proof of the death of my brother + created a difficulty which Gauffecourt undertook to remove, and this he + effected by means of the good offices of the advocate De Lolme. As I + stood in need of the little resource, and the event being doubtful, I + waited for a definitive account with the greatest anxiety. + </p> + <p> + One evening on entering my apartment I found a letter, which I knew to + contain the information I wanted, and I took it up with an impatient + trembling, of which I was inwardly ashamed. What? said I to myself, with + disdain, shall Jean Jacques thus suffer himself to be subdued by + interest and curiosity? I immediately laid the letter again upon the + chimney-piece. I undressed myself, went to bed with great composure, + slept better than ordinary, and rose in the morning at a late hour, + without thinking more of my letter. As I dressed myself, it caught my + eye; I broke the seal very leisurely, and found under the envelope a + bill of exchange. I felt a variety of pleasing sensations at the same + time: but I can assert, upon my honor, that the most lively of them all + was that proceeding from having known how to be master of myself. + </p> + <p> + I could mention twenty such circumstances in my life, but I am too much + pressed for time to say everything. I sent a small part of this money to + my poor mamma; regretting, with my eyes suffused with tears, the happy + time when I should have laid it all at her feet. All her letters + contained evident marks of her distress. She sent me piles of recipes, + and numerous secrets, with which she pretended I might make my fortune + and her own. The idea of her wretchedness already affected her heart and + contracted her mind. The little I sent her fell a prey to the knaves by + whom she was surrounded; she received not the least advantage from + anything. The idea of dividing what was necessary to my own subsistence + with these wretches disgusted me, especially after the vain attempt I + had made to deliver her from them, and of which I shall have occasion to + speak. Time slipped away, and with it the little money I had; we were + two, or indeed, four persons; or, to speak still more correctly, seven + or eight. Although Theresa was disinterested to a degree of which there + are but few examples, her mother was not so. She was no sooner a little + relieved from her necessities by my cares, than she sent for her whole + family to partake of the fruits of them. Her sisters, sons, daughters, + all except her eldest daughter, married to the director of the coaches + of Augers, came to Paris. Everything I did for Theresa, her mother + diverted from its original destination in favor of these people who were + starving. I had not to do with an avaricious person; and, not being + under the influence of an unruly passion, I was not guilty of follies. + Satisfied with genteelly supporting Theresa without luxury, and + unexposed to pressing wants, I readily consented to let all the earnings + of her industry go to the profit of her mother; and to this even I did + not confine myself; but, by a fatality by which I was pursued, whilst + mamma was a prey to the rascals about her Theresa was the same to her + family; and I could not do anything on either side for the benefit of + her to whom the succor I gave was destined. It was odd enough the + youngest child of M. de la Vasseur, the only one who had not received a + marriage portion from her parents, should provide for their subsistence; + and that, after having along time been beaten by her brothers, sisters, + and even her nieces, the poor girl should be plundered by them all, + without being more able to defend herself from their thefts than from + their blows. One of her nieces, named Gorton le Duc, was of a mild and + amiable character; although spoiled by the lessons and examples of the + others. As I frequently saw them together, I gave them names, which they + afterwards gave to each other; I called the niece my niece, and the aunt + my aunt; they both called me uncle. Hence the name of aunt, by which I + continued to call Theresa, and which my friends sometimes jocosely + repeated. It will be judged that in such a situation I had not a moment + to lose, before I attempted to extricate myself. Imagining M. de + Richelieu had forgotten me, and having no more hopes from the court, I + made some attempts to get my opera brought out at Paris; but I met with + difficulties which could not immediately be removed, and my situation + became daily more painful. I presented my little comedy of Narcisse to + the Italians; it was received, and I had the freedom of the theatre, + which gave much pleasure. But this was all; I could never get my piece + performed, and, tired of paying my court to players, I gave myself no + more trouble about them. At length I had recourse to the last expedient + which remained to me, and the only one of which I ought to have made + use. While frequenting the house of M. de la Popliniere, I had neglected + the family of Dupin. The two ladies, although related, were not on good + terms, and never saw each other. There was not the least intercourse + between the two families, and Thieriot was the only person who visited + both. He was desired to endeavor to bring me again to M. Dupin's. M. de + Francueil was then studying natural history and chemistry, and + collecting a cabinet. I believe he aspired to become a member of the + Academy of Sciences; to this effect he intended to write a book, and + judged I might be of use to him in the undertaking. Madam de Dupin, who, + on her part, had another work in contemplation, had much the same views + in respect to me. They wished to have me in common as a kind of + secretary, and this was the reason of the invitations of Thieriot. + </p> + <p> + I required that M. de Francueil should previously employ his interest + with that of Jelyote to get my work rehearsed at the operahouse; to this + he consented. The Muses Galantes were several times rehearsed, first at + the Magazine, and afterwards in the great theatre. The audience was very + numerous at the great rehearsal, and several parts of the composition + were highly applauded. However, during this rehearsal, very + ill-conducted by Rebel, I felt the piece would not be received; and + that, before it could appear, great alterations were necessary. I + therefore withdrew it without saying a word, or exposing myself to a + refusal; but I plainly perceived, by several indications, that the work, + had it been perfect, could not have succeeded. M. de Francueil had + promised me to get it rehearsed, but not that it should be received. He + exactly kept his word. I thought I perceived on this occasion, as well + as many others, that neither Madam Dupin nor himself were willing I + should acquire a certain reputation in the world, lest, after the + publication of their books, it should be supposed they had grafted their + talents upon mine. Yet as Madam Dupin always supposed those I had to be + very moderate, and never employed me except it was to write what she + dictated, or in researches of pure erudition, the reproach, with respect + to her, would have been unjust. + </p> + <p> + This last failure of success completed my discouragement. I abandoned + every prospect of fame and advancement; and, without further troubling + my head about real or imaginary talents, with which I had so little + success, I dedicated my whole time and cares to procure myself and + Theresa a subsistence in the manner most pleasing to those to whom it + should be agreeable to provide for it. I therefore entirely attached + myself to Madam Dupin and M. de Francueil. This did not place me in a + very opulent situation; for with eight or nine hundred livres, which I + had the first two years, I had scarcely enough to provide for my primary + wants; being obliged to live in their neighborhood, a dear part of the + town, in a furnished lodging, and having to pay for another lodging at + the extremity of Paris, at the very top of the Rue Saint Jacques, to + which, let the weather be as it would, I went almost every evening to + supper. I soon got into the track of my new occupations, and conceived a + taste for them. I attached myself to the study of chemistry, and + attended several courses of it with M. de Francueil at M. Rouelle's, and + we began to scribble over paper upon that science, of which we scarcely + possessed the elements. In 1717, we went to pass the autumn in + Tourraine, at the castle of Chenonceaux, a royal mansion upon the Cher, + built by Henry the II, for Diana of Poitiers, of whom the ciphers are + still seen, and which is now in the possession of M. Dupin, a farmer + general. We amused ourselves very agreeably in this beautiful place, and + lived very well: I became as fat there as a monk. Music was a favorite + relaxation. I composed several trios full of harmony, and of which I may + perhaps speak in my supplement if ever I should write one. Theatrical + performances were another resource. I wrote a comedy in fifteen days, + entitled 'l'Engagement Temeraire',—[The Rash Engagement]—which + will be found amongst my papers; it has no other merit than that of + being lively. I composed several other little things: amongst others a + poem entitled, 'l'Aliee de Sylvie', from the name of an alley in the + park upon the bank of the Cher; and this without discontinuing my + chemical studies, or interrupting what I had to do for Madam Dupin. + </p> + <p> + Whilst I was increasing my corpulency at Chenonceaux, that of my poor + Theresa was augmented at Paris in another manner, and at my return I + found the work I had put upon the frame in greater forwardness than I + had expected. This, on account of my situation, would have thrown me + into the greatest embarrassment, had not one of my messmates furnished + me with the only resource which could relieve me from it. This is one of + those essential narratives which I cannot give with too much simplicity; + because, in making an improper use of their names, I should either + excuse or inculpate myself, both of which in this place are entirely out + of the question. + </p> + <p> + During the residence of Altuna at Paris, instead of going to eat at a + 'Traiteurs', he and I commonly eat in the neighborhood, almost opposite + the cul de sac of the opera, at the house of a Madam la Selle, the wife + of a tailor, who gave but very ordinary dinners, but whose table was + much frequented on account of the safe company which generally resorted + to it; no person was received without being introduced by one of those + who used the house. The commander, De Graville, an old debauchee, with + much wit and politeness, but obscene in conversation, lodged at the + house, and brought to it a set of riotous and extravagant young men; + officers in the guards and mousquetaires. The Commander de Nonant, + chevalier to all the girls of the opera, was the daily oracle, who + conveyed to us the news of this motley crew. M. du Plessis, a + lieutenant-colonel, retired from the service, an old man of great + goodness and wisdom; and M. Ancelet, an officer in the mousquetaires + kept the young people in a certain kind of order. This table was also + frequented by commercial people, financiers and contractors, but + extremely polite, and such as were distinguished amongst those of the + same profession. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [It was to this M. Ancelet I gave a little comedy, after my own manner + entitled 'les Prisouniers de Guerre', which I wrote after the + disasters of the French in Bavaria and Bohemia: I dared not either + avow this comedy or show it, and this for the singular reason that + neither the King of France nor the French were ever better spoken of + nor praised with more sincerity of heart than in my piece though + written by a professed republican, I dared not declare myself the + panegyrist of a nation, whose maxims were exactly the reverse of my + own. More grieved at the misfortunes of France than the French + themselves I was afraid the public would construe into flattery and + mean complaisance the marks of a sincere attachment, of which in my + first part I have mentioned the date and the cause, and which I was + ashamed to show.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + M. de Besse, M. de Forcade, and others whose names I have forgotten, in + short, well-dressed people of every description were seen there; except + abbes and men of the long robe, not one of whom I ever met in the house, + and it was agreed not to introduce men of either of these professions. + This table, sufficiently resorted to, was very cheerful without being + noisy, and many of the guests were waggish, without descending to + vulgarity. The old commander with all his smutty stories, with respect + to the substance, never lost sight of the politeness of the old court; + nor did any indecent expression, which even women would not have + pardoned him, escape his lips. His manner served as a rule to every + person at table; all the young men related their adventures of gallantry + with equal grace and freedom, and these narratives were the more + complete, as the seraglio was at the door; the entry which led to it was + the same; for there was a communication between this and the shop of Le + Duchapt, a celebrated milliner, who at that time had several very pretty + girls, with whom our young people went to chat before or after dinner. I + should thus have amused myself as well as the rest, had I been less + modest: I had only to go in as they did, but this I never had courage + enough to do. With respect to Madam de Selle, I often went to eat at her + house after the departure of Altuna. I learned a great number of amusing + anecdotes, and by degrees I adopted, thank God, not the morals, but the + maxims I found to be established there. Honest men injured, husbands + deceived, women seduced, were the most ordinary topics, and he who had + best filled the foundling hospital was always the most applauded. I + caught the manners I daily had before my eyes: I formed my manner of + thinking upon that I observed to be the reigning one amongst amiable: + and upon the whole, very honest people. I said to myself, since it is + the custom of the country, they who live here may adopt it; this is the + expedient for which I sought. I cheerfully determined upon it without + the least scruple, and the only one I had to overcome was that of + Theresa, whom, with the greatest imaginable difficulty, I persuaded to + adopt this only means of saving her honor. Her mother, who was moreover + apprehensive of a new embarrassment by an increase of family, came to my + aid, and she at length suffered herself to be prevailed upon. We made + choice of a midwife, a safe and prudent woman, Mademoiselle Gouin, who + lived at the Point Saint Eustache, and when the time came, Theresa was + conducted to her house by her mother. + </p> + <p> + I went thither several times to see her, and gave her a cipher which I + had made double upon two cards; one of them was put into the linen of + the child, and by the midwife deposited with the infant in the office of + the foundling hospital according to the customary form. The year + following, a similar inconvenience was remedied by the same expedient, + excepting the cipher, which was forgotten: no more reflection on my + part, nor approbation on that of the mother; she obeyed with trembling. + All the vicissitudes which this fatal conduct has produced in my manner + of thinking, as well as in my destiny, will be successively seen. For + the present, we will confine ourselves to this first period; its cruel + and unforeseen consequences will but too frequently oblige me to refer + to it. + </p> + <p> + I here mark that of my first acquaintance with Madam D'Epinay, whose + name will frequently appear in these memoirs. She was a Mademoiselle D' + Esclavelles, and had lately been married to M. D'Epinay, son of M. de + Lalive de Bellegarde, a farmer general. She understood music, and a + passion for the art produced between these three persons the greatest + intimacy. Madam Prancueil introduced me to Madam D'Epinay, and we + sometimes supped together at her house. She was amiable, had wit and + talent, and was certainly a desirable acquaintance; but she had a female + friend, a Mademoiselle d'Ette, who was said to have much malignancy in + her disposition; she lived with the Chevalier de Valory, whose temper + was far from being one of the best. I am of opinion, an acquaintance + with these two persons was prejudicial to Madam D'Epinay, to whom, with + a disposition which required the greatest attention from those about + her, nature had given very excellent qualities to regulate or + counterbalance her extravagant pretensions. M. de Francueil inspired her + with a part of the friendship he had conceived for me, and told me of + the connection between them, of which, for that reason, I would not now + speak, were it not become so public as not to be concealed from M. + D'Epinay himself. + </p> + <p> + M. de Francueil confided to me secrets of a very singular nature + relative to this lady, of which she herself never spoke to me, nor so + much as suspected my having a knowledge; for I never opened my lips to + her upon the subject, nor will I ever do it to any person. The + confidence all parties had in my prudence rendered my situation very + embarrassing, especially with Madam de Francueil, whose knowledge of me + was sufficient to remove from her all suspicion on my account, although + I was connected with her rival. I did everything I could to console this + poor woman, whose husband certainly did not return the affection she had + for him. I listened to these three persons separately; I kept all their + secrets so faithfully that not one of the three ever drew from me those + of the two others, and this, without concealing from either of the women + my attachment to each of them. Madam de Francueil, who frequently wished + to make me an agent, received refusals in form, and Madam D'Epinay, once + desiring me to charge myself with a letter to M. de Francueil received + the same mortification, accompanied by a very express declaration, that + if ever she wished to drive me forever from the house, she had only a + second time to make me a like proposition. + </p> + <p> + In justice to Madam D'Epinay, I must say, that far from being offended + with me she spoke of my conduct to M. de Francueil in terms of the + highest approbation, and continued to receive me as well, and as + politely as ever. It was thus, amidst the heart-burnings of three + persons to whom I was obliged to behave with the greatest + circumspection, on whom I in some measure depended, and for whom I had + conceived an attachment, that by conducting myself with mildness and + complaisance, although accompanied with the greatest firmness, I + preserved unto the last not only their friendship, but their esteem and + confidence. Notwithstanding my absurdities and awkwardness, Madam + D'Epinay would have me make one of the party to the Chevrette, a + country-house, near Saint Denis, belonging to M. de Bellegarde. There + was a theatre, in which performances were not unfrequent. I had a part + given me, which I studied for six months without intermission, and in + which, on the evening of the representation, I was obliged to be + prompted from the beginning to the end. After this experiment no second + proposal of the kind was ever made to me. + </p> + <p> + My acquaintance with M. D'Epinay procured me that of her sister-in-law, + Mademoiselle de Bellegarde, who soon afterwards became Countess of + Houdetot. The first time I saw her she was upon the point of marriage; + when she conversed with me a long time, with that charming familiarity + which was natural to her. I thought her very amiable, but I was far from + perceiving that this young person would lead me, although innocently, + into the abyss in which I still remain. + </p> + <p> + Although I have not spoken of Diderot since my return from Venice, no + more than of my friend M. Roguin, I did not neglect either of them, + especially the former, with whom I daily became more intimate. He had a + Nannette, as well as I a Theresa; this was between us another conformity + of circumstances. But my Theresa, as fine a woman as his Nannette, was + of a mild and amiable character, which might gain and fix the affections + of a worthy man; whereas Nannette was a vixen, a troublesome prater, and + had no qualities in the eyes of others which in any measure compensated + for her want of education. However he married her, which was well done + of him, if he had given a promise to that effect. I, for my part, not + having entered into any such engagement, was not in the least haste to + imitate him. + </p> + <p> + I was also connected with the Abbe de Condillac, who had acquired no + more literary fame than myself, but in whom there was every appearance + of his becoming what he now is. I was perhaps the first who discovered + the extent of his abilities, and esteemed them as they deserved. He on + his part seemed satisfied with me, and, whilst shut up in my chamber in + the Rue Jean Saint Denis, near the opera-house, I composed my act of + Hesiod, he sometimes came to dine with me tete-a-tete. We sent for our + dinner, and paid share and share alike. He was at that time employed on + his Essay on the Origin of Human Knowledge, which was his first work. + When this was finished, the difficulty was to find a bookseller who + would take it. The booksellers of Paris are shy of every author at his + beginning, and metaphysics, not much then in vogue, were no very + inviting subject. I spoke to Diderot of Condillac and his work, and I + afterwards brought them acquainted with each other. They were worthy of + each other's esteem, and were presently on the most friendly terms. + Diderot persuaded the bookseller, Durand, to take the manuscript from + the abbe, and this great metaphysician received for his first work, and + almost as a favor, a hundred crowns, which perhaps he would not have + obtained without my assistance. As we lived in a quarter of the town + very distant from each other, we all assembled once a week at the Palais + Royal, and went to dine at the Hotel du Panier Fleuri. These little + weekly dinners must have been extremely pleasing to Diderot; for he who + failed in almost all his appointments never missed one of these. At our + little meeting I formed the plan of a periodical paper, entitled 'le + Persifleur'—[The Jeerer]—which Diderot and I were + alternately to write. I sketched out the first sheet, and this brought + me acquainted with D'Alembert, to whom Diderot had mentioned it. + Unforeseen events frustrated our intention, and the project was carried + no further. + </p> + <p> + These two authors had just undertaken the 'Dictionnaire Encyclopedique', + which at first was intended to be nothing more than a kind of + translation of Chambers, something like that of the Medical Dictionary + of James, which Diderot had just finished. Diderot was desirous I should + do something in this second undertaking, and proposed to me the musical + part, which I accepted. This I executed in great haste, and consequently + very ill, in the three months he had given me, as well as all the + authors who were engaged in the work. But I was the only person in + readiness at the time prescribed. I gave him my manuscript, which I had + copied by a laquais, belonging to M. de Francueil of the name of Dupont, + who wrote very well. I paid him ten crowns out of my own pocket, and + these have never been reimbursed me. Diderot had promised me a + retribution on the part of the booksellers, of which he has never since + spoken to me nor I to him. + </p> + <p> + This undertaking of the 'Encyclopedie' was interrupted by his + imprisonment. The 'Pensees Philosophiquiest' drew upon him some + temporary inconvenience which had no disagreeable consequences. He did + not come off so easily on account of the 'Lettre sur les Aveugles',—[Letter + concerning blind persons.]—in which there was nothing + reprehensible, but some personal attacks with which Madam du Pre St. + Maur, and M. de Raumur were displeased: for this he was confined in the + dungeon of Vincennes. Nothing can describe the anguish I felt on account + of the misfortunes of my friend. My wretched imagination, which always + sees everything in the worst light, was terrified. I imagined him to be + confined for the remainder of his life. I was almost distracted with the + thought. I wrote to Madam de Pompadour, beseeching her to release him or + obtain an order to shut me up in the same dungeon. I received no answer + to my letter: this was too reasonable to be efficacious, and I do not + flatter myself that it contributed to the alleviation which, some time + afterwards, was granted to the severities of the confinement of poor + Diderot. Had this continued for any length of time with the same rigor, + I verily believe I should have died in despair at the foot of the hated + dungeon. However, if my letter produced but little effect, I did not on + account of it attribute to myself much merit, for I mentioned it but to + very few people, and never to Diderot himself. + </p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> <a name="link8"></a> <br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK VIII. + </h1> + <br /><br /> + <p> + At the end of the preceding book a pause was necessary. With this begins + the long chain of my misfortunes deduced from their origin. + </p> + <p> + Having lived in the two most splendid houses in Paris, I had, + notwithstanding my candor and modesty, made some acquaintance. Among + others at Dupin's, that of the young hereditary prince of Saxe-Gotha, + and of the Baron de Thun, his governor; at the house of M. de la + Popliniere, that of M. Seguy, friend to the Baron de Thun, and known in + the literary world by his beautiful edition of Rousseau. The baron + invited M. Seguy and myself to go and pass a day or two at Fontenai sous + bois, where the prince had a house. As I passed Vincennes, at the sight + of the dungeon, my feelings were acute; the effect of which the baron + perceived on my countenance. At supper the prince mentioned the + confinement of Diderot. The baron, to hear what I had to say, accused + the prisoner of imprudence; and I showed not a little of the same in the + impetuous manner in which I defended him. This excess of zeal, inspired + by the misfortune which had befallen my friend, was pardoned, and the + conversation immediately changed. There were present two Germans in the + service of the prince. M. Klupssel, a man of great wit, his chaplain, + and who afterwards, having supplanted the baron, became his governor. + The other was a young man named M. Grimm, who served him as a reader + until he could obtain some place, and whose indifferent appearance + sufficiently proved the pressing necessity he was under of immediately + finding one. From this very evening Klupssel and I began an acquaintance + which soon led to friendship. That with the Sieur Grimm did not make + quite so rapid a progress; he made but few advances, and was far from + having that haughty presumption which prosperity afterwards gave him. + The next day at dinner, the conversation turned upon music; he spoke + well on the subject. I was transported with joy when I learned from him + he could play an accompaniment on the harpsichord. After dinner was over + music was introduced, and we amused ourselves the rest of the afternoon + on the harpischord of the prince. Thus began that friendship which, at + first, was so agreeable to me, afterwards so fatal, and of which I shall + hereafter have so much to say. + </p> + <p> + At my return to Paris, I learned the agreeable news that Diderot was + released from the dungeon, and that he had on his parole the castle and + park of Vincennes for a prison, with permission to see his friends. How + painful was it to me not to be able instantly to fly to him! But I was + detained two or three days at Madam Dupin's by indispensable business. + After ages of impatience, I flew to the arms of my friend. He was not + alone: D' Alembert and the treasurer of the Sainte Chapelle were with + him. As I entered I saw nobody but himself, I made but one step, one + cry; I riveted my face to his: I pressed him in my arms, without + speaking to him, except by tears and sighs: I stifled him with my + affection and joy. The first thing he did, after quitting my arms, was + to turn himself towards the ecclesiastic, and say: "You see, sir, how + much I am beloved by my friends." My emotion was so great, that it was + then impossible for me to reflect upon this manner of turning it to + advantage; but I have since thought that, had I been in the place of + Diderot, the idea he manifested would not have been the first that would + have occurred to me. + </p> + <p> + I found him much affected by his imprisonment. The dungeon had made a + terrible impression upon his mind, and, although he was very agreeably + situated in the castle, and at liberty to, walk where he pleased in the + park, which was not inclosed even by a wall, he wanted the society of + his friends to prevent him from yielding to melancholy. As I was the + person most concerned for his sufferings, I imagined I should also be + the friend, the sight of whom would give him consolation; on which + account, notwithstanding very pressing occupations, I went every two + days at farthest, either alone, or accompanied by his wife, to pass the + afternoon with him. + </p> + <p> + The heat of the summer was this year (1749) excessive. Vincennes is two + leagues from Paris. The state of my finances not permitting me to pay + for hackney coaches, at two o'clock in the afternoon, I went on foot, + when alone, and walked as fast as possible, that I might arrive the + sooner. The trees by the side of the road, always lopped, according to + the custom of the country, afforded but little shade, and exhausted by + fatigue, I frequently threw myself on the ground, being unable to + proceed any further. I thought a book in my hand might make me moderate + my pace. One day I took the Mercure de France, and as I walked and read, + I came to the following question proposed by the academy of Dijon, for + the premium of the ensuing year, 'Has the progress of sciences and arts + contributed to corrupt or purify morals?' + </p> + <p> + The moment I had read this, I seemed to behold another world, and became + a different man. Although I have a lively remembrance of the impression + it made upon me, the detail has escaped my mind, since I communicated it + to M. de Malesherbes in one of my four letters to him. This is one of + the singularities of my memory which merits to be remarked. It serves me + in proportion to my dependence upon it; the moment I have committed to + paper that with which it was charged, it forsakes me, and I have no + sooner written a thing than I had forgotten it entirely. This + singularity is the same with respect to music. Before I learned the use + of notes I knew a great number of songs; the moment I had made a + sufficient progress to sing an air set to music, I could not recollect + any one of them; and, at present, I much doubt whether I should be able + entirely to go through one of those of which I was the most fond. All I + distinctly recollect upon this occasion is, that on my arrival at + Vincennes, I was in an agitation which approached a delirium. Diderot + perceived it; I told him the cause, and read to him the prosopopoeia of + Fabricius, written with a pencil under a tree. He encouraged me to + pursue my ideas, and to become a competitor for the premium. I did so, + and from that moment I was ruined. + </p> + <p> + All the rest of my misfortunes during my life were the inevitable effect + of this moment of error. + </p> + <p> + My sentiments became elevated with the most inconceivable rapidity to + the level of my ideas. All my little passions were stifled by the + enthusiasm of truth, liberty, and virtue; and, what is most astonishing, + this effervescence continued in my mind upwards of five years, to as + great a degree perhaps as it has ever done in that of any other man. I + composed the discourse in a very singular manner, and in that style + which I have always followed in my other works. I dedicated to it the + hours of the night in which sleep deserted me, I meditated in my bed + with my eyes closed, and in my mind turned over and over again my + periods with incredible labor and care; the moment they were finished to + my satisfaction, I deposited them in my memory, until I had an + opportunity of committing them to paper; but the time of rising and + putting on my clothes made me lose everything, and when I took up my pen + I recollected but little of what I had composed. I made Madam le Vasseur + my secretary; I had lodged her with her daughter, and husband, nearer to + myself; and she, to save me the expense of a servant, came every morning + to make my fire, and to do such other little things as were necessary. + As soon as she arrived I dictated to her while in bed what I had + composed in the night, and this method, which for a long time I + observed, preserved me many things I should otherwise have forgotten. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the discourse was finished, I showed it to Diderot. He was + satisfied with the production, and pointed out some corrections he + thought necessary to be made. + </p> + <p> + However, this composition, full of force and fire, absolutely wants + logic and order; of all the works I ever wrote, this is the weakest in + reasoning, and the most devoid of number and harmony. With whatever + talent a man may be born, the art of writing is not easily learned. + </p> + <p> + I sent off this piece without mentioning it to anybody, except, I think, + to Grimm, with whom, after his going to live with the Comte de Vriese, I + began to be upon the most intimate footing. His harpsichord served as a + rendezvous, and I passed with him at it all the moments I had to spare, + in singing Italian airs, and barcaroles; sometimes without intermission, + from morning till night, or rather from night until morning; and when I + was not to be found at Madam Dupin's, everybody concluded I was with + Grimm at his apartment, the public walk, or theatre. I left off going to + the Comedie Italienne, of which I was free, to go with him, and pay, to + the Comedie Francoise, of which he was passionately fond. In short, so + powerful an attraction connected me with this young man, and I became so + inseparable from him, that the poor aunt herself was rather neglected, + that is, I saw her less frequently; for in no moment of my life has my + attachment to her been diminished. + </p> + <p> + This impossibility of dividing, in favor of my inclinations, the little + time I had to myself, renewed more strongly than ever the desire I had + long entertained of having but one home for Theresa and myself; but the + embarrassment of her numerous family, and especially the want of money + to purchase furniture, had hitherto withheld me from accomplishing it. + An opportunity to endeavor at it presented itself, and of this I took + advantage. M. de Francueil and Madam Dupin, clearly perceiving that + eight or nine hundred livres a year were unequal to my wants, increased + of their own accord, my salary to fifty guineas; and Madam Dupin, having + heard I wished to furnish myself lodgings, assisted me with some + articles for that purpose. With this furniture and that Theresa already + had, we made one common stock, and, having an apartment in the Hotel de + Languedoc, Rue de Grevelle St, Honor, kept by very honest people, we + arranged ourselves in the best manner we could, and lived there + peaceably and agreeably during seven years, at the end of which I + removed to go and live at the Hermitage. + </p> + <p> + Theresa's father was a good old man, very mild in his disposition, and + much afraid of his wife; for this reason he had given her the surname of + Lieutenant Criminal, which Grimm, jocosely, afterwards transferred to + the daughter. Madam le Vasseur did not want sense, that is address; and + pretended to the politeness and airs of the first circles; but she had a + mysterious wheedling, which to me was insupportable, gave bad advice to + her daughter, endeavored to make her dissemble with me, and separately, + cajoled my friends at my expense, and that of each other; excepting + these circumstances; she was a tolerably good mother, because she found + her account in being so, and concealed the faults of her daughter to + turn them to her own advantage. This woman, who had so much of my care + and attention, to whom I made so many little presents, and by whom I had + it extremely at heart to make myself beloved, was, from the + impossibility of my succeeding in this wish, the only cause of the + uneasiness I suffered in my little establishment. Except the effects of + this cause I enjoyed, during these six or seven, years, the most perfect + domestic happiness of which human weakness is capable. The heart of my + Theresa was that of an angel; our attachment increased with our + intimacy, and we were more and more daily convinced how much we were + made for each other. Could our pleasures be described, their simplicity + would cause laughter. Our walks, tete-a-tete, on the outside of the + city, where I magnificently spent eight or ten sous in each guinguette.—[Ale-house]—Our + little suppers at my window, seated opposite to each other upon two + little chairs, placed upon a trunk, which filled up the spare of the + embrasure. In this situation the window served us as a table, we + respired the fresh air, enjoyed the prospect of the environs and the + people who passed; and, although upon the fourth story, looked down into + the street as we ate. + </p> + <p> + Who can describe, and how few can feel, the charms of these repasts, + consisting of a quartern loaf, a few cherries, a morsel of cheese, and + half-a-pint of wine which we drank between us? Friendship, confidence, + intimacy, sweetness of disposition, how delicious are your reasonings! + We sometimes remained in this situation until midnight, and never + thought of the hour, unless informed of it by the old lady. But let us + quit these details, which are either insipid or laughable; I have always + said and felt that real enjoyment was not to be described. + </p> + <p> + Much about the same time I indulged in one not so delicate, and the last + of the kind with which I have to reproach myself. I have observed that + the minister Klupssel was an amiable man; my connections with him were + almost as intimate as those I had with Grimm, and in the end became as + familiar; Grimm and he sometimes eat at my apartment. These repasts, a + little more than simple, were enlivened by the witty and extravagant + wantonness of expression of Klupssel, and the diverting Germanicisms of + Grimm, who was not yet become a purist. + </p> + <p> + Sensuality did not preside at our little orgies, but joy, which was + preferable, reigned in them all, and we enjoyed ourselves so well + together that we knew not how to separate. Klupssel had furnished a + lodging for a little girl, who, notwithstanding this, was at the service + of anybody, because he could not support her entirely himself. One + evening as we were going into the coffee-house, we met him coming out to + go and sup with her. We rallied him; he revenged himself gallantly, by + inviting us to the same supper, and there rallying us in our turn. The + poor young creature appeared to be of a good disposition, mild and + little fitted to the way of life to which an old hag she had with her, + prepared her in the best manner she could. Wine and conversation + enlivened us to such a degree that we forgot ourselves. The amiable + Klupssel was unwilling to do the honors of his table by halves, and we + all three successively took a view of the next chamber, in company with + his little friend, who knew not whether she should laugh or cry. Grimm + has always maintained that he never touched her; it was therefore to + amuse himself with our impatience, that he remained so long in the other + chamber, and if he abstained, there is not much probability of his + having done so from scruple, because previous to his going to live with + the Comte de Friese, he lodged with girls of the town in the same + quarter of St. Roch. + </p> + <p> + I left the Rue des Moineaux, where this girl lodged, as much ashamed as + Saint Preux left the house in which he had become intoxicated, and when + I wrote his story I well remembered my own. Theresa perceived by some + sign, and especially by my confusion, I had something with which I + reproached myself; I relieved my mind by my free and immediate + confession. I did well, for the next day Grimm came in triumph to relate + to her my crime with aggravation, and since that time he has never + failed maliciously to recall it to her recollection; in this he was the + more culpable, since I had freely and voluntarily given him my + confidence, and had a right to expect he would not make me repent of it. + I never had a more convincing proof than on this occasion, of the + goodness of my Theresa's heart; she was more shocked at the behavior of + Grimm than at my infidelity, and I received nothing from her but tender + reproaches, in which there was not the least appearance of anger. + </p> + <p> + The simplicity of mind of this excellent girl was equal to her goodness + of heart; and this is saying everything: but one instance of it, which + is present to my recollection, is worthy of being related. I had told + her Klupssel was a minister, and chaplain to the prince of Saxe-Gotha. A + minister was to her so singular a man, that oddly confounding the most + dissimilar ideas, she took it into her head to take Klupssel for the + pope; I thought her mad the first time she told me when I came in, that + the pope had called to see me. I made her explain herself and lost not a + moment in going to relate the story to Grimm and Klupssel, who amongst + ourselves never lost the name of pope. We gave to the girl in the Rue + des Moineaux the name of Pope Joan. Our laughter was incessant; it + almost stifled us. They, who in a letter which it hath pleased them to + attribute to me, have made me say I never laughed but twice in my life, + did not know me at this period, nor in my younger days; for if they had, + the idea could never have entered into their heads. + </p> + <p> + The year following (1750), not thinking more of my discourse; I learned + it had gained the premium at Dijon. This news awakened all the ideas + which had dictated it to me, gave them new animation, and completed the + fermentation of my heart of that first leaven of heroism and virtue + which my father, my country, and Plutarch had inspired in my infancy. + Nothing now appeared great in my eyes but to be free and virtuous, + superior to fortune and opinion, and independent of all exterior + circumstances; although a false shame, and the fear of disapprobation at + first prevented me from conducting myself according to these principles, + and from suddenly quarreling with the maxims of the age in which I + lived, I from that moment took a decided resolution to do it.—[And + of this I purposely delayed the execution, that irritated by + contradiction f it might be rendered triumphant.] + </p> + <p> + While I was philosophizing upon the duties of man, an event happened + which made me better reflect upon my own. Theresa became pregnant for + the third time. Too sincere with myself, too haughty in my mind to + contradict my principles by my actions, I began to examine the + destination of my children, and my connections with the mother, + according to the laws of nature, justice, and reason, and those of that + religion, pure, holy, and eternal, like its author, which men have + polluted while they pretended to purify it, and which by their + formularies they have reduced to a religion of words, since the + difficulty of prescribing impossibilities is but trifling to those by + whom they are not practised. + </p> + <p> + If I deceived myself in my conclusions, nothing can be more astonishing + than the security with which I depended upon them. Were I one of those + men unfortunately born deaf to the voice of nature, in whom no sentiment + of justice or humanity ever took the least root, this obduracy would be + natural. But that warmth of heart, strong sensibility, and facility of + forming attachments; the force with which they subdue me; my cruel + sufferings when obliged to break them; the innate benevolence I + cherished towards my fellow-creatures; the ardent love I bear to great + virtues, to truth and justice, the horror in which I hold evil of every + kind; the impossibility of hating, of injuring or wishing to injure + anyone; the soft and lively emotion I feel at the sight of whatever is + virtuous, generous and amiable; can these meet in the same mind with the + depravity which without scruple treads under foot the most pleasing of + all our duties? No, I feel, and openly declare this to be impossible. + Never in his whole life could J. J. be a man without sentiment or an + unnatural father. I may have been deceived, but it is impossible I + should have lost the least of my feelings. Were I to give my reasons, I + should say too much; since they have seduced me, they would seduce many + others. I will not therefore expose those young persons by whom I may be + read to the same danger. I will satisfy myself by observing that my + error was such, that in abandoning my children to public education for + want of the means of bringing them up myself; in destining them to + become workmen and peasants, rather than adventurers and + fortune-hunters, I thought I acted like an honest citizen, and a good + father, and considered myself as a member of the republic of Plato. + Since that time the regrets of my heart have more than once told me I + was deceived; but my reason was so far from giving me the same + intimation, that I have frequently returned thanks to Heaven for having + by this means preserved them from the fate of their father, and that by + which they were threatened the moment I should have been under the + necessity of leaving them. Had I left them to Madam d'Upinay, or Madam + de Luxembourg, who, from friendship, generosity, or some other motive, + offered to take care of them in due time, would they have been more + happy, better brought up, or honester men? To this I cannot answer; but + I am certain they would have been taught to hate and perhaps betray + their parents: it is much better that they have never known them. + </p> + <p> + My third child was therefore carried to the foundling hospital as well + as the two former, and the next two were disposed of in the same manner; + for I have had five children in all. This arrangement seemed to me to be + so good, reasonable and lawful, that if I did not publicly boast of it, + the motive by which I was withheld was merely my regard for their + mother: but I mentioned it to all those to whom I had declared our + connection, to Diderot, to Grimm, afterwards to M. d'Epinay, and after + another interval to Madam de Luxembourg; and this freely and + voluntarily, without being under the least necessity of doing it, having + it in my power to conceal the step from all the world; for La Gouin was + an honest woman, very discreet, and a person on whom I had the greatest + reliance. The only one of my friends to whom it was in some measure my + interest to open myself, was Thierry the physician, who had the care of + my poor aunt in one of her lyings in, in which she was very ill. In a + word, there was no mystery in my conduct, not only on account of my + never having concealed anything from my friends, but because I never + found any harm in it. Everything considered, I chose the best + destination for my children, or that which I thought to be such. I could + have wished, and still should be glad, had I been brought up as they + have been. + </p> + <p> + Whilst I was thus communicating what I had done, Madam. le Vasseur did + the same thing amongst her acquaintance, but with less disinterested + views. I introduced her and her daughter to Madam Dupin, who, from + friendship to me, showed them the greatest kindness. The mother confided + to her the secret of the daughter. Madam Dupin, who is generous and + kind, and to whom she never told how attentive I was to her, + notwithstanding my moderate resources, in providing for everything, + provided on her part for what was necessary, with a liberality which, by + order of her mother, the daughter concealed from me during my residence + in Paris, nor ever mentioned it until we were at the Hermitage, when she + informed me of it, after having disclosed to me several other secrets of + her heart. I did not know Madam Dupin, who never took the least notice + to me of the matter, was so well informed: I know not yet whether Madam + de Chenonceaux, her daughter-in-law, was as much in the secret: but + Madam de Brancueil knew the whole and could not refrain from prattling. + She spoke of it to me the following year, after I had left her house. + This induced me to write her a letter upon the subject, which will be + found in my collections, and wherein I gave such of my reasons as I + could make public, without exposing Madam le Vasseur and her family; the + most determinative of them came from that quarter, and these I kept + profoundly secret. + </p> + <p> + I can rely upon the discretion of Madam Dupin, and the friendship of + Madam de Chenonceaux; I had the same dependence upon that of Madam de + Francuiel, who, however, was long dead before my secret made its way + into the world. This it could never have done except by means of the + persons to whom I intrusted it, nor did it until after my rupture with + them. By this single fact they are judged; without exculpating myself + from the blame I deserve, I prefer it to that resulting from their + malignity. My fault is great, but it was an error. I have neglected my + duty, but the desire of doing an injury never entered my heart; and the + feelings of a father were never more eloquent in favor of children whom + he never saw. But: betraying the confidence of friendship, violating the + most sacred of all engagements, publishing secrets confided to us, and + wantonly dishonoring the friend we have deceived, and who in detaching + himself from our society still respects us, are not faults, but baseness + of mind, and the last degree of heinousness. + </p> + <p> + I have promised my confession and not my justification; on which account + I shall stop here. It is my duty faithfully to relate the truth, that of + the reader to be just; more than this I never shall require of him. + </p> + <p> + The marriage of M. de Chenonceaux rendered his mother's house still more + agreeable to me, by the wit and merit of the new bride, a very amiable + young person, who seemed to distinguish me amongst the scribes of M. + Dupin. She was the only daughter of the Viscountess de Rochechouart, a + great friend of the Comte de Friese, and consequently of Grimm's who was + very attentive to her. However, it was I who introduced him to her + daughter; but their characters not suiting each other, this connection + was not of long duration; and Grimm, who from that time aimed at what + was solid, preferred the mother, a woman of the world, to the daughter + who wished for steady friends, such as were agreeable to her, without + troubling her head about the least intrigue, or making any interest + amongst the great. Madam Dupin no longer finding in Madam de Chenonceaux + all the docility she expected, made her house very disagreeable to her, + and Madam de Chenonceaux, having a great opinion of her own merit, and, + perhaps, of her birth, chose rather to give up the pleasures of society, + and remain almost alone in her apartment, than to submit to a yoke she + was not disposed to bear. This species of exile increased my attachment + to her, by that natural inclination which excites me to approach the + wretched, I found her mind metaphysical and reflective, although at + times a little sophistical; her conversation, which was by no means that + of a young woman coming from a convent, had for me the greatest + attractions; yet she was not twenty years of age. Her complexion was + seducingly fair; her figure would have been majestic had she held + herself more upright. Her hair, which was fair, bordering upon ash + color, and uncommonly beautiful, called to my recollection that of my + poor mamma in the flower of her age, and strongly agitated my heart. But + the severe principles I had just laid down for myself, by which at all + events I was determined to be guided, secured me from the danger of her + and her charms. During the whole summer I passed three or four hours a + day in a tete-a-tete conversation with her, teaching her arithmetic, and + fatiguing her with my innumerable ciphers, without uttering a single + word of gallantry, or even once glancing my eyes upon her. Five or six + years later I should not have had so much wisdom or folly; but it was + decreed I was never to love but once in my life, and that another person + was to have the first and last sighs of my heart. + </p> + <p> + Since I had lived in the house of Madam Dupin, I had always been + satisfied with my situation, without showing the least sign of a desire + to improve it. The addition which, in conjunction with M. de Francueil, + she had made to my salary, was entirely of their own accord. This year + M. de Francueil, whose friendship for me daily increased, had it in his + thoughts to place me more at ease, and in a less precarious situation. + He was receiver-general of finance. M. Dudoyer, his cash-keeper, was old + and rich, and wished to retire. M. de Francueil offered me his place, + and to prepare myself for it, I went during a few weeks, to Dudoyer, to + take the necessary instructions. But whether my talents were ill-suited + to the employment, or that M. Dudoyer, who I thought wished to procure + his place for another, was not in earnest in the instructions he gave + me, I acquired by slow degrees, and very imperfectly, the knowledge I + was in want of, and could never understand the nature of accounts, + rendered intricate, perhaps designedly. However, without having + possessed myself of the whole scope of the business, I learned enough of + the method to pursue it without the least difficulty; I even entered on + my new office; I kept the cashbook and the cash; I paid and received + money, took and gave receipts; and although this business was so ill + suited to my inclinations as to my abilities, maturity of years + beginning to render me sedate, I was determined to conquer my disgust, + and entirely devote myself to my new employment. + </p> + <p> + Unfortunately for me, I had no sooner begun to proceed without + difficulty, than M. de Francueil took a little journey, during which I + remained intrusted with the cash, which, at that time, did not amount to + more than twenty-five to thirty thousand livres. The anxiety of mind + this sum of money occasioned me, made me perceive I was very unfit to be + a cash-keeper, and I have no doubt but my uneasy situation, during his + absence, contributed to the illness with which I was seized after his + return. + </p> + <p> + I have observed in my first part that I was born in a dying state. A + defect in the bladder caused me, during my early years, to suffer an + almost continual retention of urine, and my Aunt Susan, to whose care I + was intrusted, had inconceivable difficulty in preserving me. However, + she succeeded, and my robust constitution at length got the better of + all my weakness, and my health became so well established that except + the illness from languor, of which I have given an account, and frequent + heats in the bladder which the least heating of the blood rendered + troublesome, I arrived at the age of thirty almost without feeling my + original infirmity. The first time this happened was upon my arrival at + Venice. The fatigue of the voyage, and the extreme heat I had suffered, + renewed the burnings, and gave me a pain in the loins, which continued + until the beginning of winter. After having seen padoana, I thought + myself near the end of my career, but I suffered not the least + inconvenience. After exhausting my imagination more than my body for my + Zulietta, I enjoyed better health than ever. It was not until after the + imprisonment of Diderot that the heat of blood, brought on by my + journeys to Vincennes during the terrible heat of that summer, gave me a + violent nephritic colic, since which I have never recovered my primitive + good state of health. + </p> + <p> + At the time of which I speak, having perhaps fatigued myself too much in + the filthy work of the cursed receiver-general's office, I fell into a + worse state than ever, and remained five or six weeks in my bed in the + most melancholy state imaginable. Madam Dupin sent me the celebrated + Morand who, notwithstanding his address and the delicacy of his touch, + made me suffer the greatest torments. He advised me to have recourse to + Daran, who, in fact gave me some relief: but Morand, when he gave Madam + Dupin an account of the state I was in, declared to her I should not be + alive in six months. This afterwards came to my ear, and made me reflect + seriously on my situation and the folly of sacrificing the repose of the + few days I had to live to the slavery of an employment for which I felt + nothing but disgust. Besides, how was it possible to reconcile the + severe principles I had just adopted to a situation with which they had + so little relation? Should not I, the cash-keeper of a receiver-general + of finances, have preached poverty and disinterestedness with a very ill + grace? These ideas fermented so powerfully in my mind with the fever, + and were so strongly impressed, that from that time nothing could remove + them; and, during my convalescence, I confirmed myself with the greatest + coolness in the resolutions I had taken during my delirium. I forever + abandoned all projects of fortune and advancement, resolved to pass in + independence and poverty the little time I had to exist. I made every + effort of which my mind was capable to break the fetters of prejudice, + and courageously to do everything that was right without giving myself + the least concern about the judgment of others. The obstacles I had to + combat, and the efforts I made to triumph over them, are inconceivable. + I succeeded as much as it was possible I should, and to a greater degree + than I myself had hoped for. Had I at the same time shaken off the yoke + of friendship as well as that of prejudice, my design would have been + accomplished, perhaps the greatest, at least the most useful one to + virtue, that mortal ever conceived; but whilst I despised the foolish + judgments of the vulgar tribe called great and wise, I suffered myself + to be influenced and led by persons who called themselves my friends. + These, hurt at seeing me walk alone in a new path, while I seemed to + take measures for my happiness, used all their endeavors to render me + ridiculous, and that they might afterwards defame me, first strove to + make me contemptible. It was less my literary fame than my personal + reformation, of which I here state the period, that drew upon me their + jealousy; they perhaps might have pardoned me for having distinguished + myself in the art of writing; but they could never forgive my setting + them, by my conduct, an example, which, in their eyes, seemed to reflect + on themselves. I was born for friendship; my mind and easy disposition + nourished it without difficulty. As long as I lived unknown to the + public I was beloved by all my private acquaintance, and I had not a + single enemy. But the moment I acquired literary fame, I had no longer a + friend. This, was a great misfortune; but a still greater was that of + being surrounded by people who called themselves my friends, and used + the rights attached to that sacred name to lead me on to destruction. + The succeeding part of these memoirs will explain this odious + conspiracy. I here speak of its origin, and the manner of the first + intrigue will shortly appear. + </p> + <p> + In the independence in which I lived, it was, however, necessary to + subsist. To this effect I thought of very simple means: which were + copying music at so much a page. If any employment more solid would have + fulfilled the same end I would have taken it up; but this occupation + being to my taste, and the only one which, without personal attendance, + could procure me daily bread, I adopted it. Thinking I had no longer + need of foresight, and, stifling the vanity of cash-keeper to a + financier, I made myself a copyist of music. I thought I had made an + advantageous choice, and of this I so little repented, that I never + quitted my new profession until I was forced to do it, after taking a + fixed resolution to return to it as soon as possible. + </p> + <p> + The success of my first discourse rendered the execution of this + resolution more easy. As soon as it had gained the premium, Diderot + undertook to get it printed. Whilst I was in my bed, he wrote me a note + informing me of the publication and effect: "It takes," said he, "beyond + all imagination; never was there an instance of alike success." + </p> + <p> + This favor of the public, by no means solicited, and to an unknown + author, gave me the first real assurance of my talents, of which, + notwithstanding an internal sentiment, I had always had my doubts. I + conceived the great advantage to be drawn from it in favor of the way of + life I had determined to pursue; and was of opinion, that a copyist of + some celebrity in the republic of letters was not likely to want + employment. + </p> + <p> + The moment my resolution was confirmed, I wrote a note to M, de + Francueil, communicating to him my intentions, thanking him and Madam + Dupin for all goodness, and offering them my services in the way of my + new profession. Francueil did not understand my note, and, thinking I + was still in the delirium of fever, hastened to my apartment; but he + found me so determined, that all he could say to me was without the + least effect. He went to Madam Dupin, and told her and everybody he met, + that I had become insane. I let him say what he pleased, and pursued the + plan I had conceived. I began the change in my dress; I quitted laced + clothes and white stockings; I put on a round wig, laid aside my sword, + and sold my watch; saying to myself, with inexpressible pleasure: "Thank + Heaven! I shall no longer want to know the hour!" M. de Francueil had + the goodness to wait a considerable time before he disposed of my place. + At length perceiving me inflexibly resolved, he gave it to M. d'Alibard, + formerly tutor to the young Chenonceaux, and known as a botanist by his + Flora Parisiensis. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [I doubt not but these circumstances are now differently related by M. + Francueil and his consorts: but I appeal to what he said of them at + the time and long afterwards, to everybody he knew, until the forming + of the conspiracy, and of which men of common sense and honor, must + have preserved a remembrance.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + However austere my sumptuary reform might be, I did not at first extend + it to my linen, which was fine and in great quantity, the remainder of + my stock when at Venice, and to which I was particularly attached. I had + made it so much an object of cleanliness, that it became one of luxury, + which was rather expensive. Some persons, however, did me the favor to + deliver me from this servitude. On Christmas Eve, whilst the governesses + were at vespers, and I was at the spiritual concert, the door of a + garret, in which all our linen was hung up after being washed, was + broken open. Everything was stolen; and amongst other things, forty-two + of my shirts, of very fine linen, and which were the principal part of + my stock. By the manner in which the neighbors described a man whom they + had seen come out of the hotel with several parcels whilst we were all + absent, Theresa and myself suspected her brother, whom we knew to be a + worthless man. The mother strongly endeavored to remove this suspicion, + but so many circumstances concurred to prove it to be well founded, + that, notwithstanding all she could say, our opinions remained still the + same: I dared not make a strict search for fear of finding more than I + wished to do. The brother never returned to the place where I lived, + and, at length, was no more heard of by any of us. I was much grieved + Theresa and myself should be connected with such a family, and I + exhorted her more than ever to shake off so dangerous a yoke. This + adventure cured me of my inclination for fine linen, and since that time + all I have had has been very common, and more suitable to the rest of my + dress. + </p> + <p> + Having thus completed the change of that which related to my person, all + my cares tendered to render it solid and lasting, by striving to root + out from my heart everything susceptible of receiving an impression from + the judgment of men, or which, from the fear of blame, might turn me + aside from anything good and reasonable in itself. In consequence of the + success of my work, my resolution made some noise in the world also, and + procured me employment; so that I began my new profession with great + appearance of success. However, several causes prevented me from + succeeding in it to the same degree I should under any other + circumstances have done. In the first place my ill state of health. The + attack I had just had, brought on consequences which prevented my ever + being so well as I was before; and I am of opinion, the physicians, to + whose care I intrusted myself, did me as much harm as my illness. I was + successively under the hands of Morand, Daran, Helvetius, Malouin, and + Thyerri: men able in their profession, and all of them my friends, who + treated me each according to his own manner, without giving me the least + relief, and weakened me considerably. The more I submitted to their + direction, the yellower, thinner, and weaker I became. My imagination, + which they terrified, judging of my situation by the effect of their + drugs, presented to me, on this side of the tomb, nothing but continued + sufferings from the gravel, stone, and retention of urine. Everything + which gave relief to others, ptisans, baths, and bleeding, increased my + tortures. Perceiving the bougees of Daran, the only ones that had any + favorable effect, and without which I thought I could no longer exist, + to give me a momentary relief, I procured a prodigious number of them, + that, in case of Daran's death, I might never be at a loss. During the + eight or ten years in which I made such frequent use of these, they + must, with what I had left, have cost me fifty louis. + </p> + <p> + It will easily be judged, that such expensive and painful means did not + permit me to work without interruption; and that a dying man is not + ardently industrious in the business by which he gains his daily bread. + </p> + <p> + Literary occupations caused another interruption not less prejudicial to + my daily employment. My discourse had no sooner appeared than the + defenders of letters fell upon me as if they had agreed with each to do + it. My indignation was so raised at seeing so many blockheads, who did + not understand the question, attempt to decide upon it imperiously, that + in my answer I gave some of them the worst of it. One M. Gautier, of + Nancy, the first who fell under the lash of my pen, was very roughly + treated in a letter to M. Grimm. The second was King Stanislaus, + himself, who did not disdain to enter the lists with me. The honor he + did me, obliged me to change my manner in combating his opinions; I made + use of a graver style, but not less nervous; and without failing in + respect to the author, I completely refuted his work. I knew a Jesuit, + Father de Menou, had been concerned in it. I depended on my judgment to + distinguish what was written by the prince, from the production of the + monk, and falling without mercy upon all the jesuitical phrases, I + remarked, as I went along, an anachronism which I thought could come + from nobody but the priest. This composition, which, for what reason I + knew not, has been less spoken of than any of my other writings, is the + only one of its kind. I seized the opportunity which offered of showing + to the public in what manner an individual may defend the cause of truth + even against a sovereign. It is difficult to adopt a more dignified and + respectful manner than that in which I answered him. I had the happiness + to have to do with an adversary to whom, without adulation, I could show + every mark of the esteem of which my heart was full; and this I did with + success and a proper dignity. My friends, concerned for my safety, + imagined they already saw me in the Bastile. This apprehension never + once entered my head, and I was right in not being afraid. The good + prince, after reading my answer, said: "I have enough of at; I will not + return to the charge." I have, since that time received from him + different marks of esteem and benevolence, some of which I shall have + occasion to speak of; and what I had written was read in France, and + throughout Europe, without meeting the least censure. + </p> + <p> + In a little time I had another adversary whom I had not expected; this + was the same M. Bordes, of Lyons, who ten years before had shown me much + friendship, and from whom I had received several services. I had not + forgotten him, but had neglected him from idleness, and had not sent him + my writings for want of an opportunity, without seeking for it, to get + them conveyed to his hands. I was therefore in the wrong, and he + attacked me; this, however, he did politely, and I answered in the same + manner. He replied more decidedly. This produced my last answer; after + which I heard no more from him upon the subject; but he became my most + violent enemy, took the advantage of the time of my misfortunes, to + publish against me the most indecent libels, and made a journey to + London on purpose to do me an injury. + </p> + <p> + All this controversy employed me a good deal, and caused me a great loss + of my time in my copying, without much contributing to the progress of + truth, or the good of my purse. Pissot, at that time my bookseller, gave + me but little for my pamphlets, frequently nothing at all, and I never + received a farthing for my first discourse. Diderot gave it him. I was + obliged to wait a long time for the little he gave me, and to take it + from him in the most trifling sums. Notwithstanding this, my copying + went on but slowly. I had two things together upon my hands, which was + the most likely means of doing them both ill. + </p> + <p> + They were very opposite to each other in their effects by the different + manners of living to which they rendered me subject. The success of my + first writings had given me celebrity. My new situation excited + curiosity. Everybody wished to know that whimsical man who sought not + the acquaintance of any one, and whose only desire was to live free and + happy in the manner he had chosen; this was sufficient to make the thing + impossible to me. My apartment was continually full of people, who, + under different pretences, came to take up my time. The women employed a + thousand artifices to engage me to dinner. The more unpolite I was with + people, the more obstinate they became. I could not refuse everybody. + While I made myself a thousand enemies by my refusals, I was incessantly + a slave to my complaisance, and, in whatever manner I made my + engagements, I had not an hour in a day to myself. + </p> + <p> + I then perceived it was not so easy to be poor and independent, as I had + imagined. I wished to live by my profession: the public would not suffer + me to do it. A thousand means were thought of to indemnify me for the + time I lost. The next thing would have been showing myself like Punch, + at so much each person. I knew no dependence more cruel and degrading + than this. I saw no other method of putting an end to it than refusing + all kinds of presents, great and small, let them come from whom they + would. This had no other effect than to increase the number of givers, + who wished to have the honor of overcoming my resistance, and to force + me, in spite of myself, to be under an obligation to them. + </p> + <p> + Many, who would not have given me half-a-crown had I asked it from them, + incessantly importuned me with their offers, and, in revenge for my + refusal, taxed me with arrogance and ostentation. + </p> + <p> + It will naturally be conceived that the resolutions I had taken, and the + system I wished to follow, were not agreeable to Madam le Vasseur. All + the disinterestedness of the daughter did not prevent her from following + the directions of her mother; and the governesses, as Gauffecourt called + them, were not always so steady in their refusals as I was. Although + many things were concealed from me, I perceived so many as were + necessary to enable me to judge that I did not see all, and this + tormented me less by the accusation of connivance, which it was so easy + for me to foresee, than by the cruel idea of never being master in my + own apartments, nor even of my own person. I prayed, conjured, and + became angry, all to no purpose; the mother made me pass for an eternal + grumbler, and a man who was peevish and ungovernable. She held perpetual + whisperings with my friends; everything in my little family was + mysterious and a secret to me; and, that I might not incessantly expose + myself to noisy quarrelling, I no longer dared to take notice of what + passed in it. A firmness of which I was not capable, would have been + necessary to withdraw me from this domestic strife. I knew how to + complain, but not how to act: they suffered me to say what I pleased, + and continued to act as they thought proper. + </p> + <p> + This constant teasing, and the daily importunities to which I was + subject, rendered the house, and my residence at Paris, disagreeable to + me. When my indisposition permitted me to go out, and I did not suffer + myself to be led by my acquaintance first to one place and then to + another, I took a walk, alone, and reflected on my grand system, + something of which I committed to paper, bound up between two covers, + which, with a pencil, I always had in my pocket. In this manner, the + unforeseen disagreeableness of a situation I had chosen entirely led me + back to literature, to which unsuspectedly I had recourse as a means of + releaving my mind, and thus, in the first works I wrote, I introduced + the peevishness and ill-humor which were the cause of my undertaking + them. There was another circumstance which contributed not a little to + this; thrown into the world despite of myself, without having the + manners of it, or being in a situation to adopt and conform myself to + them, I took it into my head to adopt others of my own, to enable me to + dispense with those of society. My foolish timidity, which I could not + conquer, having for principle the fear of being wanting in the common + forms, I took, by way of encouraging myself, a resolution to tread them + under foot. I became sour and cynic from shame, and affected to despise + the politeness which I knew not how to practice. This austerity, + conformable to my new principles, I must confess, seemed to ennoble + itself in my mind; it assumed in my eyes the form of the intrepidity of + virtue, and I dare assert it to be upon this noble basis, that it + supported itself longer and better than could have been expected from + anything so contrary to my nature. Yet, not withstanding, I had the name + of a misanthrope, which my exterior appearance and some happy + expressions had given me in the world: it is certain I did not support + the character well in private, that my friends and acquaintance led this + untractable bear about like a lamb, and that, confining my sarcasms to + severe but general truths, I was never capable of saying an uncivil + thing to any person whatsoever. + </p> + <p> + The 'Devin du Village' brought me completely into vogue, and presently + after there was not a man in Paris whose company was more sought after + than mine. The history of this piece, which is a kind of era in my life, + is joined with that of the connections I had at that time. I must enter + a little into particulars to make what is to follow the better + understood. + </p> + <p> + I had a numerous acquaintance, yet no more than two friends: Diderot and + Grimm. By an effect of the desire I have ever felt to unite everything + that is dear to me, I was too much a friend to both not to make them + shortly become so to each other. I connected them: they agreed well + together, and shortly become more intimate with each other than with me. + Diderot had a numerous acquaintance, but Grimm, a stranger and a + new-comer, had his to procure, and with the greatest pleasure I procured + him all I could. I had already given him Diderot. I afterwards brought + him acquainted with Gauffecourt. I introduced him to Madam Chenonceaux, + Madam D'Epinay, and the Baron d'Holbach; with whom I had become + connected almost in spite of myself. All my friends became his: this was + natural: but not one of his ever became mine; which was inclining to the + contrary. Whilst he yet lodged at the house of the Comte de Friese, he + frequently gave us dinners in his apartment, but I never received the + least mark of friendship from the Comte de Friese, Comte de Schomberg, + his relation, very familiar with Grimm, nor from any other person, man + or woman, with whom Grimm, by their means, had any connection. I except + the Abbe Raynal, who, although his friend, gave proofs of his being + mine; and in cases of need, offered me his purse with a generosity not + very common. But I knew the Abbe Raynal long before Grimm had any + acquaintance with him, and had entertained a great regard for him on + account of his delicate and honorable behavior to me upon a slight + occasion, which I shall never forget. + </p> + <p> + The Abbe Raynal is certainly a warm friend; of this I saw a proof, much + about the time of which I speak, with respect to Grimm himself, with + whom he was very intimate. Grimm, after having been sometime on a + footing of friendship with Mademoiselle Fel, fell violently in love with + her, and wished to supplant Cahusac. The young lady, piquing herself on + her constancy, refused her new admirer. He took this so much to heart, + that the appearance of his affliction became tragical. He suddenly fell + into the strangest state imaginable. He passed days and nights in a + continued lethargy. He lay with his eyes open; and although his pulse + continued to beat regularly, without speaking eating, or stirring, yet + sometimes seeming to hear what was said to him, but never answering, not + even by a sign, and remaining almost as immovable as if he had been + dead, yet without agitation, pain, or fever. The Abbe Raynal and myself + watched over him; the abbe, more robust, and in better health than I + was, by night, and I by day, without ever both being absent at one time. + The Comte de Friese was alarmed, and brought to him Senac, who, after + having examined the state in which he was, said there was nothing to + apprehend, and took his leave without giving a prescription. My fears + for my friend made me carefully observe the countenance of the + physician, and I perceived him smile as he went away. However, the + patient remained several days almost motionless, without taking anything + except a few preserved cherries, which from time to time I put upon his + tongue, and which he swallowed without difficulty. At length he, one + morning, rose, dressed himself, and returned to his usual way of life, + without either at that time or afterwards speaking to me or the Abbe + Raynal, at least that I know of, or to any other person, of this + singular lethargy, or the care we had taken of him during the time it + lasted. + </p> + <p> + The affair made a noise, and it would really have been a wonderful + circumstance had the cruelty of an opera girl made a man die of despair. + This strong passion brought Grimm into vogue; he was soon considered as + a prodigy in love, friendship, and attachments of every kind. Such an + opinion made his company sought after, and procured him a good reception + in the first circles; by which means he separated from me, with whom he + was never inclined to associate when he could do it with anybody else. I + perceived him to be on the point of breaking with me entirely; for the + lively and ardent sentiments, of which he made a parade, were those + which with less noise and pretensions, I had really conceived for him. I + was glad he succeeded in the world; but I did not wish him to do this by + forgetting his friend. I one day said to him: "Grimm, you neglect me, + and I forgive you for it. When the first intoxication of your success is + over, and you begin to perceive a void in your enjoyments, I hope you + will return to your friend, whom you will always find in the same + sentiments; at present do not constrain yourself, I leave you at liberty + to act as you please, and wait your leisure." He said I was right, made + his arrangements in consequence, and shook off all restraint, so that I + saw no more of him except in company with our common friends. + </p> + <p> + Our chief rendezvous, before he was connected with Madam d'Epinay as he + afterwards became, was at the house of Baron d'Holbach. This said baron + was the son of a man who had raised himself from obscurity. His fortune + was considerable, and he used it nobly, receiving at his house men of + letters and merit: and, by the knowledge he himself had acquired, was + very worthy of holding a place amongst them. Having been long attached + to Diderot, he endeavored to become acquainted with me by his means, + even before my name was known to the world. A natural repugnancy + prevented me a long time from answering his advances. One day, when he + asked me the reason of my unwillingness, I told him he was too rich. He + was, however, resolved to carry his point, and at length succeeded. My + greatest misfortune proceeded from my being unable to resist the force + of marked attention. I have ever had reason to repent of having yielded + to it. + </p> + <p> + Another acquaintance which, as soon as I had any pretensions to it, was + converted into friendship, was that of M. Duclos. I had several years + before seen him, for the first time, at the Chevrette, at the house of + Madam d'Epinay, with whom he was upon very good terms. On that day we + only dined together, and he returned to town in the afternoon. But we + had a conversation of a few moments after dinner. Madam d'Epinay had + mentioned me to him, and my opera of the 'Muses Gallantes'. Duclos, + endowed with too great talents not to be a friend to those in whom the + like were found, was prepossessed in my favor, and invited me to go and + see him. Notwithstanding my former wish, increased by an acquaintance, I + was withheld by my timidity and indolence, as long as I had no other + passport to him than his complaisance. But encouraged by my first + success, and by his eulogiums, which reached my ears, I went to see him; + he returned my visit, and thus began the connection between us, which + will ever render him dear to me. By him, as well as from the testimony + of my own heart, I learned that uprightness and probity may sometimes be + connected with the cultivation of letters. + </p> + <p> + Many other connections less solid, and which I shall not here + particularize, were the effects of my first success, and lasted until + curiosity was satisfied. I was a man so easily known, that on the next + day nothing new was to be discovered in me. However, a woman, who at + that time was desirous of my acquaintance, became much more solidly + attached to me than any of those whose curiosity I had excited: this was + the Marchioness of Crequi, niece to M. le Bailli de Froulay, ambassador + from Malta, whose brother had preceded M. de Montaigu in the embassy to + Venice, and whom I had gone to see on my return from that city. Madam de + Crequi wrote to me: I visited her: she received me into her friendship. + I sometimes dined with her. I met at her table several men of letters, + amongst others M. Saurin, the author of Spartacus, Barnevelt, etc., + since become my implacable enemy; for no other reason, at least that I + can imagine, than my bearing the name of a man whom his father has + cruelly persecuted. + </p> + <p> + It will appear that for a copyist, who ought to be employed in his + business from morning till night, I had many interruptions, which + rendered my days not very lucrative, and prevented me from being + sufficiently attentive to what I did to do it well; for which reason, + half the time I had to myself was lost in erasing errors or beginning my + sheet anew. This daily importunity rendered Paris more unsupportable, + and made me ardently wish to be in the country. I several times went to + pass a few days at Mercoussis, the vicar of which was known to Madam le + Vasseur, and with whom we all arranged ourselves in such a manner as not + to make things disagreeable to him. Grimm once went thither with us. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [Since I have neglected to relate here a trifling, but memorable + adventure I had with the said Grimm one day, on which we were to dine + at the fountain of St. Vandrille, I will let it pass: but when I + thought of it afterwards, I concluded that he was brooding in his + heart the conspiracy he has, with so much success, since carried into + execution.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + The vicar had a tolerable voice, sung well, and, although he did not + read music, learned his part with great facility and precision. We + passed our time in singing the trios I had composed at Chenonceaux. To + these I added two or three new ones, to the words Grimm and the vicar + wrote, well or ill. I cannot refrain from regretting these trios + composed and sung in moments of pure joy, and which I left at Wootton, + with all my music. Mademoiselle Davenport has perhaps curled her hair + with them; but they are worthy of being preserved, and are, for the most + part, of very good counterpoint. It was after one of these little + excursions in which I had the pleasure of seeing the aunt at her ease + and very cheerful, and in which my spirits were much enlivened, that I + wrote to the vicar very rapidly and very ill, an epistle in verse which + will be found amongst my papers. + </p> + <p> + I had nearer to Paris another station much to my liking with M. Mussard, + my countryman, relation and friend, who at Passy had made himself a + charming retreat, where I have passed some very peaceful moments. M. + Mussard was a jeweller, a man of good sense, who, after having acquired + a genteel fortune, had given his only daughter in marriage to M. de + Valmalette, the son of an exchange broker, and maitre d'hotel to the + king, took the wise resolution to quit business in his declining years, + and to place an interval of repose and enjoyment between the hurry and + the end of life. The good man Mussard, a real philosopher in practice, + lived without care, in a very pleasant house which he himself had built + in a very pretty garden, laid out with his own hands. In digging the + terraces of this garden he found fossil shells, and in such great + quantities that his lively imagination saw nothing but shells in nature. + He really thought the universe was composed of shells and the remains of + shells, and that the whole earth was only the sand of these in different + stratae. His attention thus constantly engaged with his singular + discoveries, his imagination became so heated with the ideas they gave + him, that, in his head, they would soon have been converted into a + system, that is into folly, if, happily for his reason, but + unfortunately for his friends, to whom he was dear, and to whom his + house was an agreeable asylum, a most cruel and extraordinary disease + had not put an end to his existence. A constantly increasing tumor in + his stomach prevented him from eating, long before the cause of it was + discovered, and, after several years of suffering, absolutely occasioned + him to die of hunger. I can never, without the greatest affliction of + mind, call to my recollection the last moments of this worthy man, who + still received with so much pleasure, Leneips and myself, the only + friends whom the sight of his sufferings did not separate from him until + his last hour, when he was reduced to devouring with his eyes the + repasts he had placed before us, scarcely having the power of swallowing + a few drops of weak tea, which came up again a moment afterwards. But + before these days of sorrow, how many have I passed at his house, with + the chosen friends he had made himself! At the head of the list I place + the Abbe Prevot, a very amiable man, and very sincere, whose heart + vivified his writings, worthy of immortality, and who, neither in his + disposition nor in society, had the least of the melancholy coloring he + gave to his works. Procope, the physician, a little Esop, a favorite + with the ladies; Boulanger, the celebrated posthumous author of + 'Despotisme Oriental', and who, I am of opinion extended the systems of + Mussard on the duration of the world. The female part of his friends + consisted of Madam Denis, niece to Voltaire, who, at that time, was + nothing more than a good kind of woman, and pretended not to wit: Madam + Vanloo, certainly not handsome, but charming, and who sang like an + angel: Madam de Valmalette, herself, who sang also, and who, although + very thin, would have been very amiable had she had fewer pretensions. + Such, or very nearly such, was the society of M. Mussard, with which I + should had been much pleased, had not his conchyliomania more engaged my + attention; and I can say, with great truth, that, for upwards of six + months, I worked with him in his cabinet with as much pleasure as he + felt himself. + </p> + <p> + He had long insisted upon the virtue of the waters of Passy, that they + were proper in my case, and recommended me to come to his house to drink + them. To withdraw myself from the tumult of the city, I at length + consented, and went to pass eight or ten days at Passy, which, on + account of my being in the country, were of more service to me than the + waters I drank during my stay there. Mussard played the violincello, and + was passionately found of Italian music. This was the subject of a long + conversation we had one evening after supper, particularly the + 'opera-buffe' we had both seen in Italy, and with which we were highly + delighted. My sleep having forsaken me in the night, I considered in + what manner it would be possible to give in France an idea of this kind + of drama. The 'Amours de Ragonde' did not in the least resemble it. In + the morning, whilst I took my walk and drank the waters, I hastily threw + together a few couplets to which I adapted such airs as occurred to me + at the moments. I scribbled over what I had composed, in a kind of + vaulted saloon at the end of the garden, and at tea. I could not refrain + from showing the airs to Mussard and to Mademoiselle du Vernois, his + 'gouvernante', who was a very good and amiable girl. Three pieces of + composition I had sketched out were the first monologue: 'J'ai perdu mon + serviteur;'—the air of the Devin; 'L'amour croit s'il s'inquiete;' + and the last duo: 'A jamais, Colin, je t'engage, etc.' I was so far from + thinking it worth while to continue what I had begun, that, had it not + been for the applause and encouragement I received from both Mussard and + Mademoiselle, I should have throw n my papers into the fire and thought + no more of their contents, as I had frequently done by things of much + the same merit; but I was so animated by the encomiums I received, that + in six days, my drama, excepting a few couplets, was written. The music + also was so far sketched out, that all I had further to do to it after + my return from Paris, was to compose a little of the recitative, and to + add the middle parts, the whole of which I finished with so much + rapidity, that in three weeks my work was ready for representation. The + only thing now wanting, was the divertissement, which was not composed + until a long time afterwards. + </p> + <p> + My imagination was so warmed by the composition of this work that I had + the strongest desire to hear it performed, and would have given anything + to have seen and heard the whole in the manner I should have chosen, + which would have been that of Lully, who is said to have had 'Armide' + performed for himself only. As it was not possible I should hear the + performance unaccompanied by the public, I could not see the effect of + my piece without getting it received at the opera. Unfortunately it was + quite a new species of composition, to which the ears of the public were + not accustomed; and besides the ill success of the 'Muses Gallantes' + gave too much reason to fear for the Devin, if I presented it in my own + name. Duclos relieved me from this difficulty, and engaged to get the + piece rehearsed without mentioning the author. That I might not discover + myself, I did not go to the rehearsal, and the 'Petits violons', by whom + it was directed, knew not who the author was until after a general + plaudit had borne the testimony of the work. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [Rebel and Frauneur, who, when they were very young, went together + from house to house playing on the violin, were so called.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + Everybody present was so delighted with it, that, on the next day, + nothing else was spoken of in the different companies. M. de Cury, + Intendant des Menus, who was present at the rehearsal, demanded the + piece to have it performed at court. Duclos, who knew my intentions, and + thought I should be less master of my work at the court than at Paris, + refused to give it. Cury claimed it authoratively. Duclos persisted in + his refusal, and the dispute between them was carried to such a length, + that one day they would have gone out from the opera-house together had + they not been separated. M. de Cury applied to me, and I referred him to + Duclos. This made it necessary to return to the latter. The Duke + d'Aumont interfered; and at length Duclos thought proper to yield to + authority, and the piece was given to be played at Fontainebleau. + </p> + <p> + The part to which I had been most attentive, and in which I had kept at + the greatest distance from the common track, was the recitative. Mine + was accented in a manner entirely new, and accompanied the utterance of + the word. The directors dared not suffer this horrid innovation to pass, + lest it should shock the ears of persons who never judge for themselves. + Another recitative was proposed by Francueil and Jelyotte, to which I + consented; but refused at the same time to have anything to do with it + myself. + </p> + <p> + When everything was ready and the day of performance fixed, a + proposition was made me to go to Fontainebleau, that I might at least be + at the last rehearsal. I went with Mademoiselle Fel, Grimm, and I think + the Abbe Raynal, in one of the stages to the court. The rehearsal was + tolerable: I was more satisfied with it than I expected to have been. + The orchestra was numerous, composed of the orchestras of the opera and + the king's band. Jelyotte played Colin, Mademoiselle Fel, Colette, + Cuvillier the Devin: the choruses were those of the opera. I said but + little; Jelyotte had prepared everything; I was unwilling either to + approve of or censure what he had done; and notwithstanding I had + assumed the air of an old Roman, I was, in the midst of so many people, + as bashful as a schoolboy. + </p> + <p> + The next morning, the day of performance, I went to breakfast at the + coffee-house 'du grand commun', where I found a great number of people. + The rehearsal of the preceding evening, and the difficulty of getting + into the theatre, were the subjects of conversation. An officer present + said he entered with the greatest ease, gave a long account of what had + passed, described the author, and related what he had said and done; but + what astonished me most in this long narrative, given with as much + assurance as simplicity, was that it did not contain a syllable of + truth. It was clear to me that he who spoke so positively of the + rehearsal had not been at it, because, without knowing him, he had + before his eyes that author whom he said he had seen and examined so + minutely. However, what was more singular still in this scene, was its + effect upon me. The officer was a man rather in years, he had nothing of + the appearance of a coxcomb; his features appeared to announce a man of + merit; and his cross of Saint Louis, an officer of long standing. He + interested me: notwithstanding his impudence. Whilst he uttered his + lies, I blushed, looked down, and was upon thorns; I, for some time, + endeavored within myself to find the means of believing him to be in an + involuntary error. At length, trembling lest some person should know me, + and by this means confound him, I hastily drank my chocolate, without + saying a word, and, holding down my head, I passed before him, got out + of the coffee-house as soon as possible, whilst the company were making + their remarks upon the relation that had been given. I was no sooner in + the street than I was in a perspiration, and had anybody known and named + me before I left the room, I am certain all the shame and embarrassment + of a guilty person would have appeared in my countenance, proceeding + from what I felt the poor man would have had to have suffered had his + lie been discovered. + </p> + <p> + I come to one of the critical moments of my life, in which it is + difficult to do anything more than to relate, because it is almost + impossible that even narrative should not carry with it the marks of + censure or apology. I will, however, endeavor to relate how and upon + what motives I acted, with out adding either approbation or censure. + </p> + <p> + I was on that day in the same careless undress as usual, with a long + beard and wig badly combed. Considering this want of decency as an act + of courage, I entered the theatre wherein the king, queen, the royal + family, and the whole court were to enter immediately after. I was + conducted to a box by M. de Cury, and which belonged to him. It was very + spacious, upon the stage and opposite to a lesser, but more elevated + one, in which the king sat with Madam de Pompadour. + </p> + <p> + As I was surrounded by women, and the only man in front of the box, I + had no doubt of my having been placed there purposely to be exposed to + view. As soon as the theatre was lighted up, finding I was in the midst + of people all extremely well dressed, I began to be less at my ease, and + asked myself if I was in my place? whether or not I was properly + dressed? After a few minutes of inquietude: "Yes," replied I, with an + intrepidity which perhaps proceeded more from the impossibility of + retracting than the force of all my reasoning, "I am in my place, + because I am going to see my own piece performed, to which I have been + invited, for which reason only I am come here; and after all, no person + has a greater right than I have to reap the fruit of my labor and + talents; I am dressed as usual, neither better nor worse; and if I once + begin to subject myself to public opinion, I shall shortly become a + slave to it in everything. To be always consistent with myself, I ought + not to blush, in any place whatever, at being dressed in a manner + suitable to the state I have chosen. My exterior appearance is simple, + but neither dirty nor slovenly; nor is a beard either of these in + itself, because it is given us by nature, and according to time, place + and custom, is sometimes an ornament. People think I am ridiculous, nay, + even absurd; but what signifies this to me? I ought to know how to bear + censure and ridicule, provided I do not deserve them." After this little + soliloquy I became so firm that, had it been necessary, I could have + been intrepid. But whether it was the effect of the presence of his + majesty, or the natural disposition of those about me, I perceived + nothing but what was civil and obliging in the curiosity of which I was + the object. This so much affected me that I began to be uneasy for + myself, and the fate of my piece; fearing I should efface the favorable + prejudices which seemed to lead to nothing but applause. I was armed + against raillery; but, so far overcome, by the flattering and obliging + treatment I had not expected, that I trembled like a child when the + performance was begun. + </p> + <p> + I had soon sufficient reason to be encouraged. The piece was very ill + played with respect to the actors, but the musical part was well sung + and executed. During the first scene, which was really of a delightful + simplicity, I heard in the boxes a murmur of surprise and applause, + which, relative to pieces of the same kind, had never yet happened. The + fermentation was soon increased to such a degree as to be perceptible + through the whole audience, and of which, to speak—after the + manner of Montesquieu—the effect was augmented by itself. In the + scene between the two good little folks, this effect was complete. There + is no clapping of hands before the king; therefore everything was heard, + which was advantageous to the author and the piece. I heard about me a + whispering of women, who appeared as beautiful as angels. They said to + each other in a low voice: "This is charming: That is ravishing: There + is not a sound which does not go to the heart." The pleasure of giving + this emotion to so many amiable persons moved me to tears; and these I + could not contain in the first duo, when I remarked that I was not the + only person who wept. I collected myself for a moment, on recollecting + the concert of M. de Treitorens. This reminiscence had the effect of the + slave who held the crown over the head of the general who triumphed, but + my reflection was short, and I soon abandoned myself without + interruption to the pleasure of enjoying my success. However, I am + certain the voluptuousness of the sex was more predominant than the + vanity of the author, and had none but men been present, I certainly + should not have had the incessant desire I felt of catching on my lips + the delicious tears I had caused to flow. I have known pieces excite + more lively admiration, but I never saw so complete, delightful, and + affecting an intoxication of the senses reign, during a whole + representation, especially at court, and at a first performance. They + who saw this must recollect it, for it has never yet been equalled. + </p> + <p> + The same evening the Duke d' Aumont sent to desire me to be at the + palace the next day at eleven o'clock, when he would present me to the + king. M. de Cury, who delivered me the message, added that he thought a + pension was intended, and that his majesty wished to announce it to me + himself. Will it be believed that the night of so brilliant a day was + for me a night of anguish and perplexity? My first idea, after that of + being presented, was that of my frequently wanting to retire; this had + made me suffer very considerably at the theatre, and might torment me + the next day when I should be in the gallery, or in the king's + apartment, amongst all the great, waiting for the passing of his + majesty. My infirmity was the principal cause which prevented me from + mixing in polite companies, and enjoying the conversation of the fair. + The idea alone of the situation in which this want might place me, was + sufficient to produce it to such a degree as to make me faint away, or + to recur to means to which, in my opinion, death was much preferable. + None but persons who are acquainted with this situation can judge of the + horror which being exposed to the risk of it inspires. + </p> + <p> + I then supposed myself before the king, presented to his majesty, who + deigned to stop and speak to me. In this situation, justness of + expression and presence of mind were peculiarly necessary in answering. + Would my timidity which disconcerts me in presence of any stranger + whatever, have been shaken off in presence of the King of France; or + would it have suffered me instantly to make choice of proper + expressions? I wished, without laying aside the austere manner I had + adopted, to show myself sensible of the honor done me by so great a + monarch, and in a handsome and merited eulogium to convey some great and + useful truth. I could not prepare a suitable answer without exactly + knowing what his majesty was to say to me; and had this been the case, I + was certain that, in his presence, I should not recollect a word of what + I had previously meditated. "What," said I, "will become of me in this + moment, and before the whole court, if, in my confusion, any of my + stupid expressions should escape me?" This danger alarmed and terrified + me. I trembled to such a degree that at all events I was determined not + to expose myself to it. + </p> + <p> + I lost, it is true, the pension which in some measure was offered me; + but I at the same time exempted myself from the yoke it would have + imposed. Adieu, truth, liberty, and courage! How should I afterwards + have dared to speak of disinterestedness and independence? Had I + received the pension I must either have become a flatterer or remained + silent; and, moreover, who would have insured to me the payment of it! + What steps should I have been under the necessity of taking! How many + people must I have solicited! I should have had more trouble and anxious + cares in preserving than in doing without it. Therefore, I thought I + acted according to my principles by refusing, and sacrificing + appearances to reality. I communicated my resolution to Grimm, who said + nothing against it. To others I alleged my ill state of health, and left + the court in the morning. + </p> + <p> + My departure made some noise, and was generally condemned. My reasons + could not be known to everybody, it was therefore easy to accuse me of + foolish pride, and thus not irritate the jealousy of such as felt they + would not have acted as I had done. The next day Jelyotte wrote me a + note, in which he stated the success of my piece, and the pleasure it + had afforded the king. "All day long," said he, "his majesty sings, with + the worst voice in his kingdom: 'J'ai perdu mon serviteur: J'ai perdu + tout mon bonheur.'" He likewise added, that in a fortnight the Devin was + to be performed a second time; which confirmed in the eyes of the public + the complete success of the first. + </p> + <p> + Two days afterwards, about nine o'clock in the evening, as I was going + to sup with Madam D'Epinay, I perceived a hackney-coach pass by the + door. Somebody within made a sign to me to approach. I did so, and got + into it, and found the person to be Diderot. He spoke of the pension + with more warmth than, upon such a subject, I should have expected from + a philosopher. He did not blame me for having been unwilling to be + presented to the king, but severely reproached me with my indifference + about the pension. He observed that although on my own account I might + be disinterested, I ought not to be so on that of Madam Vasseur and her + daughter; that it was my duty to seize every means of providing for + their subsistence; and that as, after all, it could not be said I had + refused the pension, he maintained I ought, since the king seemed + disposed to grant it to me, to solicit and obtain it by one means or + another. Although I was obliged to him for his good wishes, I could not + relish his maxims, which produced a warm dispute, the first I ever had + with him. All our disputes were of this kind, he prescribing to me what + he pretended I ought to do, and I defending myself because I was of a + different opinion. + </p> + <p> + It was late when we parted. I would have taken him to supper at Madam d' + Epinay's, but he refused to go; and, notwithstanding all the efforts + which at different times the desire of uniting those I love induced me + to make, to prevail upon him to see her, even that of conducting her to + his door which he kept shut against us, he constantly refused to do it, + and never spoke of her but with the utmost contempt. It was not until + after I had quarrelled with both that they became acquainted and that he + began to speak honorably of her. + </p> + <p> + From this time Diderot and Grimm seemed to have undertaken to alienate + from me the governesses, by giving them to understand that if they were + not in easy circumstances the fault was my own, and that they never + would be so with me. They endeavored to prevail on them to leave me, + promising them the privilege for retailing salt, a snuff shop, and I + know not what other advantages by means of the influence of Madam d' + Epinay. They likewise wished to gain over Duclos and d'Holback, but the + former constantly refused their proposals. I had at the time some + intimation of what was going forward, but I was not fully acquainted + with the whole until long afterwards; and I frequently had reason to + lament the effects of the blind and indiscreet zeal of my friends, who, + in my ill state of health, striving to reduce me to the most melancholy + solitude, endeavored, as they imagined, to render me happy by the means + which, of all others, were the most proper to make me miserable. + </p> + <p> + In the carnival following the conclusion of the year 1753, the Devin was + performed at Paris, and in this interval I had sufficient time to + compose the overture and divertissement. This divertissement, such as it + stands engraved, was to be in action from the beginning to the end, and + in a continued subject, which in my opinion, afforded very agreeable + representations. But when I proposed this idea at the opera-house, + nobody would so much as hearken to me, and I was obliged to tack + together music and dances in the usual manner: on this account the + divertissement, although full of charming ideas which do not diminish + the beauty of scenes, succeeded but very middlingly. I suppressed the + recitative of Jelyotte, and substituted my own, such as I had first + composed it, and as it is now engraved; and this recitative a little + after the French manner, I confess, drawled out, instead of pronounced + by the actors, far from shocking the ears of any person, equally + succeeded with the airs, and seemed in the judgment of the public to + possess as much musical merit. I dedicated my piece to Duclos, who had + given it his protection, and declared it should be my only dedication. I + have, however, with his consent, written a second; but he must have + thought himself more honored by the exception, than if I had not written + a dedication to any person. + </p> + <p> + I could relate many anecdotes concerning this piece, but things of + greater importance prevent me from entering into a detail of them at + present. I shall perhaps resume the subject in a supplement. There is + however one which I cannot omit, as it relates to the greater part of + what is to follow. I one day examined the music of D'Holbach, in his + closet. After having looked over many different kinds, he said, showing + me a collection of pieces for the harpsichord: "These were composed for + me; they are full of taste and harmony, and unknown to everybody but + myself. You ought to make a selection from them for your + divertissement." Having in my head more subjects of airs and symphonies + than I could make use of, I was not the least anxious to have any of + his. However, he pressed me so much, that, from a motive of + complaisance, I chose a Pastoral, which I abridged and converted into a + trio, for the entry of the companions of Colette. Some months + afterwards, and whilst the Devin still continued to be performed, going + into Grimms I found several people about his harpsichord, whence he + hastily rose on my arrival. As I accidently looked toward his music + stand, I there saw the same collection of the Baron d'Holback, opened + precisely at the piece he had prevailed upon me to take, assuring me at + the same time that it should never go out of his hands. Some time + afterwards, I again saw the collection open on the harpischord of M. + d'Papinay, one day when he gave a little concert. Neither Grimm, nor + anybody else, ever spoke to me of the air, and my reason for mentioning + it here is that some time afterwards, a rumor was spread that I was not + the author of Devin. As I never made a great progress in the practical + part, I am persuaded that had it not been for my dictionary of music, it + would in the end have been said I did not understand composition. + </p> + <p> + Sometime before the 'Devin du Village' was performed, a company of + Italian Bouffons had arrived at Paris, and were ordered to perform at + the opera-house, without the effect they would produce there being + foreseen. Although they were detestable, and the orchestra, at that time + very ignorant, mutilated at will the pieces they gave, they did the + French opera an injury that will never be repaired. The comparison of + these two kinds of music, heard the same evening in the same theatre, + opened the ears of the French; nobody could endure their languid music + after the marked and lively accents of Italian composition; and the + moment the Bouffons had done, everybody went away. The managers were + obliged to change the order of representation, and let the performance + of the Bouffons be the last. 'Egle Pigmalion' and 'le Sylphe' were + successively given: nothing could bear the comparison. The 'Devin du + Village' was the only piece that did it, and this was still relished + after 'la Serva Padroma'. When I composed my interlude, my head was + filled with these pieces, and they gave me the first idea of it: I was, + however, far from imagining they would one day be passed in review by + the side of my composition. Had I been a plagiarist, how many pilferings + would have been manifest, and what care would have been taken to point + them out to the public! But I had done nothing of the kind. All attempts + to discover any such thing were fruitless: nothing was found in my music + which led to the recollection of that of any other person; and my whole + composition compared with the pretended original, was found to be as new + as the musical characters I had invented. Had Mondonville or Rameau + undergone the same ordeal, they would have lost much of their substance. + </p> + <p> + The Bouffons acquired for Italian music very warm partisans. All Paris + was divided into two parties, the violence of which was greater than if + an affair of state or religion had been in question. One of them, the + most powerful and numerous, composed of the great, of men of fortune, + and the ladies, supported French music; the other, more lively and + haughty, and fuller of enthusiasm, was composed of real connoisseurs, + and men of talents, and genius. This little group assembled at the + opera-house, under the box belonging to the queen. The other party + filled up the rest of the pit and the theatre; but the heads were mostly + assembled under the box of his majesty. Hence the party names of Coin du + Roi, Coin de la Reine,—[King's corner,—Queen's corner.]—then + in great celebrity. The dispute, as it became more animated, produced + several pamphlets. The king's corner aimed at pleasantry; it was laughed + at by the 'Petit Prophete'. It attempted to reason; the 'Lettre sur la + Musique Francoise' refuted its reasoning. These two little productions, + the former of which was by Grimm, the latter by myself, are the only + ones which have outlived the quarrel; all the rest are long since + forgotten. + </p> + <p> + But the Petit Prophete, which, notwithstanding all I could say, was for + a long time attributed to me, was considered as a pleasantry, and did + not produce the least inconvenience to the author: whereas the letter on + music was taken seriously, and incensed against me the whole nation, + which thought itself offended by this attack on its music. The + description of the incredible effect of this pamphlet would be worthy of + the pen of Tacitus. The great quarrel between the parliament and the + clergy was then at its height. The parliament had just been exiled; the + fermentation was general; everything announced an approaching + insurrection. The pamphlet appeared: from that moment every other + quarrel was forgotten; the perilous state of French music was the only + thing by which the attention of the public was engaged, and the only + insurrection was against myself. This was so general that it has never + since been totally calmed. At court, the bastile or banishment was + absolutely determined on, and a 'lettre de cachet' would have been + issued had not M. de Voyer set forth in the most forcible manner that + such a step would be ridiculous. Were I to say this pamphlet probably + prevented a revolution, the reader would imagine I was in a dream. It + is, however, a fact, the truth of which all Paris can attest, it being + no more than fifteen years since the date of this singular fact. + Although no attempts were made on my liberty, I suffered numerous + insults; and even my life was in danger. The musicians of the opera + orchestra humanely resolved to murder me as I went out of the theatre. + Of this I received information; but the only effect it produced on me + was to make me more assiduously attend the opera; and I did not learn, + until a considerable time afterwards, that M. Ancelot, officer in the + mousquetaires, and who had a friendship for me, had prevented the effect + of this conspiracy by giving me an escort, which, unknown to myself, + accompanied me until I was out of danger. The direction of the + opera-house had just been given to the hotel de ville. The first exploit + performed by the Prevot des Marchands, was to take from me my freedom of + the theatre, and this in the most uncivil manner possible. Admission was + publicly refused me on my presenting myself, so that I was obliged to + take a ticket that I might not that evening have the mortification to + return as I had come. This injustice was the more shameful, as the only + price I had set on my piece when I gave it to the managers was a + perpetual freedom of the house; for although this was a right, common to + every author, and which I enjoyed under a double title, I expressly + stipulated for it in presence of M. Duclos. It is true, the treasurer + brought me fifty louis, for which I had not asked; but, besides the + smallness of the sum, compared with that which, according to the rule, + established in such cases, was due to me, this payment had nothing in + common with the right of entry formerly granted, and which was entirely + independent of it. There was in this behavior such a complication of + iniquity and brutality, that the public, notwithstanding its animosity + against me, which was then at its highest, was universally shocked at + it, and many persons who insulted me the preceding evening, the next day + exclaimed in the open theatre, that it was shameful thus to deprive an + author of his right of entry; and particularly one who had so well + deserved it, and was entitled to claim it for himself and another + person. So true is the Italian proverb: Ogn' un ama la giustizia in cosa + d altrui.—[Every one loves justice in the affairs of another.] + </p> + <p> + In this situation the only thing I had to do was to demand my work, + since the price I had agreed to receive for it was refused me. For this + purpose I wrote to M. d'Argenson, who had the department of the opera. I + likewise enclosed to him a memoir which was unanswerable; but this, as + well as my letter, was ineffectual, and I received no answer to either. + The silence of that unjust man hurt me extremely, and did not contribute + to increase the very moderate good opinion I always had of his character + and abilities. It was in this manner the managers kept my piece while + they deprived me of that for which I had given it them. From the weak to + the strong, such an act would be a theft: from the strong to the weak, + it is nothing more than an appropriation of property, without a right. + </p> + <p> + With respect to the pecuniary advantages of the work, although it did + not produce me a fourth part of the sum it would have done to any other. + person, they were considerable enough to enable me to subsist several + years, and to make amends for the ill success of copying, which went on + but very slowly. I received a hundred louis from the king; fifty from + Madam de Pompadour, for the performance at Bellevue, where she herself + played the part of Colin; fifty from the opera; and five hundred livres + from Pissot, for the engraving; so that this interlude, which cost me no + more than five or six weeks' application, produced, notwithstanding the + ill treatment I received from the managers and my stupidity at court, + almost as much money as my 'Emilius', which had cost me twenty years' + meditation, and three years' labor. But I paid dearly for the pecuniary + ease I received from the piece, by the infinite vexations it brought + upon me. It was the germ of the secret jealousies which did not appear + until a long time afterwards. After its success I did not remark, either + in Grimm, Diderot, or any of the men of letters, with whom I was + acquainted, the same cordiality and frankness, nor that pleasure in + seeing me, I had previously experienced. The moment I appeared at the + baron's, the conversation was no longer general; the company divided + into small parties; whispered into each other's ears; and I remained + alone, without knowing to whom to address myself. I endured for a long + time this mortifying neglect; and, perceiving that Madam d'Holbach, who + was mild and amiable, still received me well, I bore with the vulgarity + of her husband as long as it was possible. But he one day attacked me + without reason or pretence, and with such brutality, in presence of + Diderot, who said not a word, and Margency, who since that time has + often told me how much he admired the moderation and mildness of my + answers, that, at length driven from his house, by this unworthy + treatment, I took leave with a resolution never to enter it again. This + did not, however, prevent me from speaking honorably of him and his + house, whilst he continually expressed himself relative to me in the + most insulting terms, calling me that 'petit cuistre': the little + college pedant, or servitor in a college, without, however, being able + to charge me with having done either to himself or any person to whom he + was attached the most trifling injury. In this manner he verified my + fears and predictions, I am of opinion my pretended friends would have + pardoned me for having written books, and even excellent ones, because + this merit was not foreign to themselves; but that they could not + forgive my writing an opera, nor the brilliant success it had; because + there was not one amongst them capable of the same, nor in a situation + to aspire to like honors. Duclos, the only person superior to jealousy, + seemed to become more attached to me: he introduced me to Mademoiselle + Quinault, in whose house I received polite attention, and civility to as + great an extreme, as I had found a want of it in that of M. d'Holbach. + </p> + <p> + Whilst the performance of the 'Devin du Village' was continued at the + opera-house, the author of it had an advantageous negotiation with the + managers of the French comedy. Not having, during seven or eight years, + been able to get my 'Narcissis' performed at the Italian theatre, I had, + by the bad performance in French of the actors, become disgusted with + it, and should rather have had my piece received at the French theatre + than by them. I mentioned this to La None, the comedian, with whom I had + become acquainted, and who, as everybody knows, was a man of merit and + an author. He was pleased with the piece, and promised to get it + performed without suffering the name of the author to be known; and in + the meantime procured me the freedom of the theatre, which was extremely + agreeable to me, for I always preferred it to the two others. The piece + was favorably received, and without the author's name being mentioned; + but I have reason to believe it was known to the actors and actresses, + and many other persons. Mademoiselles Gauffin and Grandval played the + amorous parts; and although the whole performance was, in my opinion, + injudicious, the piece could not be said to be absolutely ill played. + The indulgence of the public, for which I felt gratitude, surprised me; + the audience had the patience to listen to it from the beginning to the + end, and to permit a second representation without showing the least + sign of disapprobation. For my part, I was so wearied with the first, + that I could not hold out to the end; and the moment I left the theatre, + I went into the Cafe de Procope, where I found Boissi, and others of my + acquaintance, who had probably been as much fatigued as myself. I there + humbly or haughtily avowed myself the author of the piece, judging it as + everybody else had done. This public avowal of an author of a piece + which had not succeeded, was much admired, and was by no means painful + to myself. My self-love was flattered by the courage with which I made + it: and I am of opinion, that, on this occasion, there was more pride in + speaking, than there would have been foolish shame in being silent. + However, as it was certain the piece, although insipid in the + performance would bear to be read, I had it printed: and in the preface, + which is one of the best things I ever wrote, I began to make my + principles more public than I had before done. + </p> + <p> + I soon had an opportunity to explain them entirely in a work of the + greatest importance: for it was, I think, this year, 1753, that the + programma of the Academy of Dijon upon the 'Origin of the Inequality of + Mankind' made its appearance. Struck with this great question, I was + surprised the academy had dared to propose it: but since it had shown + sufficient courage to do it, I thought I might venture to treat it, and + immediately undertook the discussion. + </p> + <p> + That I might consider this grand subject more at my ease, I went to St. + Germain for seven or eight days with Theresa, our hostess, who was a + good kind of woman, and one of her friends. I consider this walk as one + of the most agreeable ones I ever took. The weather was very fine. These + good women took upon themselves all the care and expense. Theresa amused + herself with them; and I, free from all domestic concerns, diverted + myself, without restraint, at the hours of dinner and supper. All the + rest of the day wandering in the forest, I sought for and found there + the image of the primitive ages of which I boldly traced the history. I + confounded the pitiful lies of men; I dared to unveil their nature; to + follow the progress of time, and the things by which it has been + disfigured; and comparing the man of art with the natural man, to show + them, in their pretended improvement, the real source of all their + misery. My mind, elevated by these contemplations, ascended to the + Divinity, and thence, seeing my fellow creatures follow in the blind + track of their prejudices that of their errors and misfortunes, I cried + out to them, in a feeble voice, which they could not hear: "Madmen! know + that all your evils proceed from yourselves!" + </p> + <p> + From these meditations resulted the discourse on Inequality, a work more + to the taste of Diderot than any of my other writings, and in which his + advice was of the greatest service to me. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [At the time I wrote this, I had not the least suspicion of the grand + conspiracy of Diderot and Grimm. otherwise I should easily. have + discovered how much the former abused my confidence, by giving to my + writings that severity and melancholy which were not to be found in + them from the moments he ceased to direct me. The passage of the + philosopher, who argues with himself, and stops his ears against the + complaints of a man in distress, is after his manner: and he gave me + others still more extraordinary; which I could never resolve to make + use of. But, attributing, this melancholy to that he had acquired in + the dungeon of Vincennes, and of which there is a very sufficient dose + in his Clairoal, I never once suspected the least unfriendly dealing. + ] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + It was, however, understood but by few readers, and not one of these + would ever speak of it. I had written it to become a competitor for the + premium, and sent it away fully persuaded it would not obtain it; well + convinced it was not for productions of this nature that academies were + founded. + </p> + <p> + This excursion and this occupation enlivened my spirits and was of + service to my health. Several years before, tormented by my disorder, I + had entirely given myself up to the care of physicians, who, without + alleviating my sufferings, exhausted my strength and destroyed my + constitution. At my return from St. Germain, I found myself stronger and + perceived my health to be improved. I followed this indication, and + determined to cure myself or die without the aid of physicians and + medicine. I bade them forever adieu, and lived from day to day, keeping + close when I found myself indisposed, and going abroad the moment I had + sufficient strength to do it. The manner of living in Paris amidst + people of pretensions was so little to my liking; the cabals of men of + letters, their little candor in their writings, and the air of + importance they gave themselves in the world, were so odious to me; I + found so little mildness, openness of heart and frankness in the + intercourse even of my friends; that, disgusted with this life of + tumult, I began ardently to wish to reside in the country, and not + perceiving that my occupation permitted me to do it, I went to pass + there all the time I had to spare. For several months I went after + dinner to walk alone in the Bois de Boulogne, meditating on subjects for + future works, and not returning until evening. + </p> + <p> + Gauffecourt, with whom I was at that time extremely intimate, being on + account of his employment obliged to go to Geneva, proposed to me the + journey, to which I consented. The state of my health was such as to + require the care of the governess; it was therefore decided she should + accompany us, and that her mother should remain in the house. After thus + having made our arrangements, we set off on the first of June, 1754. + </p> + <p> + This was the period when at the age of forty-two, I for the first time + in my life felt a diminution of my natural confidence to which I had + abandoned myself without reserve or inconvenience. We had a private + carriage, in which with the same horses we travelled very slowly. I + frequently got out and walked. We had scarcely performed half our + journey when Theresa showed the greatest uneasiness at being left in the + carriage with Gauffecourt, and when, notwithstanding her remonstrances, + I would get out as usual, she insisted upon doing the same, and walking + with me. I chid her for this caprice, and so strongly opposed it, that + at length she found herself obliged to declare to me the cause whence it + proceeded. I thought I was in a dream; my astonishment was beyond + expression, when I learned that my friend M. de Gauffecourt, upwards of + sixty years of age, crippled by the gout, impotent and exhausted by + pleasures, had, since our departure, incessantly endeavored to corrupt a + person who belonged to his friend, and was no longer young nor handsome, + by the most base and shameful means, such as presenting to her a purse, + attempting to inflame her imagination by the reading of an abominable + book, and by the sight of infamous figures, with which it was filled. + Theresa, full of indignation, once threw his scandalous book out of the + carriage; and I learned that on the first evening of our journey, a + violent headache having obliged me to retire to bed before supper, he + had employed the whole time of this tete-a-tete in actions more worthy + of a satyr than a man of worth and honor, to whom I thought I had + intrusted my companion and myself. What astonishment and grief of heart + for me! I, who until then had believed friendship to be inseparable from + every amiable and noble sentiment which constitutes all its charm, for + the first time in my life found myself under the necessity of connecting + it with disdain, and of withdrawing my confidence from a man for whom I + had an affection, and by whom I imagined myself beloved! The wretch + concealed from me his turpitude; and that I might not expose Theresa, I + was obliged to conceal from him my contempt, and secretly to harbor in + my heart such sentiments as were foreign to its nature. Sweet and sacred + illusion of friendship! Gauffecourt first took the veil from before my + eyes. What cruel hands have since that time prevented it from again + being drawn over them! + </p> + <p> + At Lyons I quitted Gauffecourt to take the road to Savoy, being unable + to be so near to mamma without seeing her. I saw her—Good God, in + what a situation! How contemptible! What remained to her of primitive + virtue? Was it the same Madam de Warrens, formerly so gay and lively, to + whom the vicar of Pontverre had given me recommendations? How my heart + was wounded! The only resource I saw for her was to quit the country. I + earnestly but vainly repeated the invitation I had several times given + her in my letters to come and live peacefully with me, assuring her I + would dedicate the rest of my life, and that of Theresa, to render her + happy. Attached to her pension, from which, although it was regularly + paid, she had not for a long time received the least advantage, my + offers were lost upon her. I again gave her a trifling part of the + contents of my purse, much less than I ought to have done, and + considerably less than I should have offered her had not I been certain + of its not being of the least service to herself. During my residence at + Geneva, she made a journey into Chablais, and came to see me at + Grange-canal. She was in want of money to continue her journey: what I + had in my pocket was insufficient to this purpose, but an hour + afterwards I sent it her by Theresa. Poor mamma! I must relate this + proof of the goodness of her heart. A little diamond ring was the last + jewel she had left. She took it from her finger, to put it upon that of + Theresa, who instantly replaced it upon that whence it had been taken, + kissing the generous hand which she bathed with her tears. Ah! this was + the proper moment to discharge my debt! I should have abandoned + everything to follow her, and share her fate: let it be what it would. I + did nothing of the kind. My attention was engaged by another attachment, + and I perceived the attachment I had to her was abated by the slender + hopes there were of rendering it useful to either of us. I sighed after + her, my heart was grieved at her situation, but I did not follow her. Of + all the remorse I felt this was the strongest and most lasting. I + merited the terrible chastisement with which I have since that time + incessantly been overwhelmed: may this have expiated my ingratitude! Of + this I appear guilty in my conduct, but my heart has been too much + distressed by what I did ever to have been that of an ungrateful man. + </p> + <p> + Before my departure from Paris I had sketched out the dedication of my + discourse on the 'Inequality of Mankind'. I finished it at Chambery, and + dated it from that place, thinking that, to avoid all chicane, it was + better not to date it either from France or Geneva. The moment I arrived + in that city I abandoned myself to the republican enthusiasm which had + brought me to it. This was augmented by the reception I there met with. + Kindly treated by persons of every description, I entirely gave myself + up to a patriotic zeal, and mortified at being excluded from the rights + of a citizen by the possession of a religion different from that of my + forefathers, I resolved openly to return to the latter. I thought the + gospel being the same for every Christian, and the only difference in + religious opinions the result of the explanations given by men to that + which they did not understand, it was the exclusive right of the + sovereign power in every country to fix the mode of worship, and these + unintelligible opinions; and that consequently it was the duty of a + citizen to admit the one, and conform to the other in the manner + prescribed by the law. The conversation of the encyclopaedists, far from + staggering my faith, gave it new strength by my natural aversion to + disputes and party. The study of man and the universe had everywhere + shown me the final causes and the wisdom by which they were directed. + The reading of the Bible, and especially that of the New Testament, to + which I had for several years past applied myself, had given me a + sovereign contempt for the base and stupid interpretations given to the + words of Jesus Christ by persons the least worthy of understanding his + divine doctrine. In a word, philosophy, while it attached me to the + essential part of religion, had detached me from the trash of the little + formularies with which men had rendered it obscure. Judging that for a + reasonable man there were not two ways of being a Christian, I was also + of opinion that in each country everything relative to form and + discipline was within the jurisdiction of the laws. From this principle, + so social and pacific, and which has brought upon me such cruel + persecutions, it followed that, if I wished to be a citizen of Geneva, I + must become a Protestant, and conform to the mode of worship established + in my country. This I resolved upon; I moreover put myself under the + instructions of the pastor of the parish in which I lived, and which was + without the city. All I desired was not to appear at the consistory. + However, the ecclesiastical edict was expressly to that effect; but it + was agreed upon to dispense with it in my favor, and a commission of + five or six members was named to receive my profession of faith. + Unfortunately, the minister Perdriau, a mild and an amiable man, took it + into his head to tell me the members were rejoiced at the thoughts of + hearing me speak in the little assembly. This expectation alarmed me to + such a degree that having night and day during three weeks studied a + little discourse I had prepared, I was so confused when I ought to have + pronounced it that I could not utter a single word, and during the + conference I had the appearance of the most stupid schoolboy. The + persons deputed spoke for me, and I answered yes and no, like a + blockhead; I was afterwards admitted to the communion, and reinstated in + my rights as a citizen. I was enrolled as such in the lists of guards, + paid by none but citizens and burgesses, and I attended at a + council-general extraordinary to receive the oath from the syndic + Mussard. I was so impressed with the kindness shown me on this occasion + by the council and the consistory, and by the great civility and + obliging behavior of the magistrates, ministers and citizens, that, + pressed by the worthy De Luc, who was incessant in his persuasions, and + still more so by my own inclination, I did not think of going back to + Paris for any other purpose than to break up housekeeping, find a + situation for M. and Madam le Vassear, or provide for their subsistence, + and then return with Theresa to Geneva, there to settle for the rest of + my days. + </p> + <p> + After taking this resolution I suspended all serious affairs the better + to enjoy the company of my friends until the time of my departure. Of + all the amusements of which I partook, that with which I was most + pleased, was sailing round the lake in a boat, with De Luc, the father, + his daughter-in-law, his two sons, and my Theresa. We gave seven days to + this excursion in the finest weather possible. I preserved a lively + remembrance of the situation which struck me at the other extremity of + the lake, and of which I, some years afterwards, gave a description in + my New Eloisa. + </p> + <p> + The principal connections I made at Geneva, besides the De Lucs, of + which I have spoken, were the young Vernes, with whom I had already been + acquainted at Paris, and of whom I then formed a better opinion than I + afterwards had of him. M. Perdriau, then a country pastor, now professor + of Belles Lettres, whose mild and agreeable society will ever make me + regret the loss of it, although he has since thought proper to detach + himself from me; M. Jalabert, at that time professor of natural + philosophy, since become counsellor and syndic, to whom I read my + discourse upon Inequality (but not the dedication), with which he seemed + to be delighted; the Professor Lullin, with whom I maintained a + correspondence until his death, and who gave me a commission to purchase + books for the library; the Professor Vernet, who, like most other + people, turned his back upon me after I had given him proofs of + attachment and confidence of which he ought to, have been sensible, if a + theologian can be affected by anything; Chappins, clerk and successor to + Gauffecourt, whom he wished to supplant, and who, soon afterwards, was + him self supplanted; Marcet de Mezieres, an old friend of my father's, + and who had also shown himself to be mine: after having well deserved of + his country, he became a dramatic author, and, pretending to be of the + council of two hundred, changed his principles, and, before he died, + became ridiculous. But he from whom I expected most was M. Moultout, a + very promising young man by his talents and his brilliant imagination, + whom I have always loved, although his conduct with respect to me was + frequently equivocal, and, not withstanding his being connected with my + most cruel enemies, whom I cannot but look upon as destined to become + the defender of my memory and the avenger of his friend. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of these dissipations, I neither lost the taste for my + solitary excursions, nor the habit of them; I frequently made long ones + upon the banks of the lake, during which my mind, accustomed to + reflection, did not remain idle; I digested the plan already formed of + my political institutions, of which I shall shortly have to speak; I + meditated a history of the Valais; the plan of a tragedy in prose, the + subject of which, nothing less than Lucretia, did not deprive me of the + hope of succeeding, although I had dared again to exhibit that + unfortunate heroine, when she could no longer be suffered upon any + French stage. I at that time tried my abilities with Tacitus, and + translated the first books of his history, which will be found amongst + my papers. + </p> + <p> + After a residence of four months at Geneva, I returned in the month of + October to Paris; and avoided passing through Lyons that I might not + again have to travel with Gauffecourt. As the arrangement I had made did + not require my being at Geneva until the spring following, I returned, + during the winter, to my habits and occupations; the principal of the + latter was examining the proof sheets of my discourse on the Inequality + of Mankind, which I had procured to be printed in Holland, by the + bookseller Rey, with whom I had just become acquainted at Geneva. This + work was dedicated to the republic; but as the publication might be + unpleasing to the council, I wished to wait until it had taken its + effect at Geneva before I returned thither. This effect was not + favorable to me; and the dedication, which the most pure patriotism had + dictated, created me enemies in the council, and inspired even many of + the burgesses with jealousy. M. Chouet, at that time first syndic, wrote + me a polite but very cold letter, which will be found amongst my papers. + I received from private persons, amongst others from Du Luc and De + Jalabert, a few compliments, and these were all. I did not perceive that + a single Genevese was pleased with the hearty zeal found in the work. + This indifference shocked all those by whom it was remarked. I remember + that dining one day at Clichy, at Madam Dupin's, with Crommelin, + resident from the republic, and M. de Mairan, the latter openly declared + the council owed me a present and public honors for the work, and that + it would dishonor itself if it failed in either. Crommelin, who was a + black and mischievous little man, dared not reply in my presence, but he + made a frightful grimace, which however forced a smile from Madam Dupin. + The only advantage this work procured me, besides that resulting from + the satisfaction of my own heart, was the title of citizen given me by + my friends, afterwards by the public after their example, and which I + afterwards lost by having too well merited. + </p> + <p> + This ill success would not, however, have prevented my retiring to + Geneva, had not more powerful motives tended to the same effect. M. + D'Epinay, wishing to add a wing which was wanting to the chateau of the + Chevrette, was at an immense expense in completing it. Going one day + with Madam D'Epinay to see the building, we continued our walk a quarter + of a league further to the reservoir of the waters of the park which + joined the forest of Montmorency, and where there was a handsome kitchen + garden, with a little lodge, much out of repair, called the Hermitage. + This solitary and very agreeable place had struck me when I saw it for + the first time before my journey to Geneva. I had exclaimed in my + transport: "Ah, madam, what a delightful habitation! This asylum was + purposely prepared for me." Madam D'Epinay did not pay much attention to + what I said; but at this second journey I was quite surprised to find, + instead of the old decayed building, a little house almost entirely new, + well laid out, and very habitable for a little family of three persons. + Madam D'Epinay had caused this to be done in silence, and at a very + small expense, by detaching a few materials and some of the work men + from the castle. She now said to me, on remarking my surprise: "My dear, + here behold your asylum; it is you who have chosen it; friendship offers + it to you. I hope this will remove from you the cruel idea of separating + from me." I do not think I was ever in my life more strongly or more + deliciously affected. I bathed with tears the beneficent hand of my + friend; and if I were not conquered from that very instant even, I was + extremely staggered. Madam D'Epinay, who would not be denied, became so + pressing, employed so many means, so many people to circumvent me, + proceeding even so far as to gain over Madam le Vasseur and her + daughter, that at length she triumphed over all my resolutions. + Renouncing the idea of residing in my own country, I resolved, I + promised, to inhabit the Hermitage; and, whilst the building was drying, + Madam D'Epinay took care to prepare furniture, so that everything was + ready the following spring. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="frontpiece2" id="frontpiece2"></a> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="frontpiece2.jpg (99K)" src="images/frontpiece2.jpg" + width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <p> + One thing which greatly aided me in determining, was the residence + Voltaire had chosen near Geneva; I easily comprehended this man would + cause a revolution there, and that I should find in my country the + manners, which drove me from Paris; that I should be under the necessity + of incessantly struggling hard, and have no other alternative than that + of being an unsupportable pedant, a poltroon, or a bad citizen. The + letter Voltaire wrote me on my last work, induced me to insinuate my + fears in my answer; and the effect this produced confirmed them. From + that moment I considered Geneva as lost, and I was not deceived. I + perhaps ought to have met the storm, had I thought myself capable of + resisting it. But what could I have done alone, timid, and speaking + badly, against a man, arrogant, opulent, supported by the credit of the + great, eloquent, and already the idol of the women and young men? I was + afraid of uselessly exposing myself to danger to no purpose. I listened + to nothing but my peaceful disposition, to my love of repose, which, if + it then deceived me, still continues to deceive me on the same subject. + By retiring to Geneva, I should have avoided great misfortunes; but I + have my doubts whether, with all my ardent and patriotic zeal, I should + have been able to effect anything great and useful for my country. + </p> + <p> + Tronchin, who about the same time went to reside at Geneva, came + afterwards to Paris and brought with him treasures. At his arrival he + came to see me, with the Chevalier Jaucourt. Madam D'Epinay had a strong + desire to consult him in private, but this it was not easy to do. She + addressed herself to me, and I engaged Tronchin to go and see her. Thus + under my auspices they began a connection, which was afterwards + increased at my expense. Such has ever been my destiny: the moment I had + united two friends who were separately mine, they never failed to + combine against me. Although, in the conspiracy then formed by the + Tronchins, they must all have borne me a mortal hatred. He still + continued friendly to me: he even wrote me a letter after his return to + Geneva, to propose to me the place of honorary librarian. But I had + taken my resolution, and the offer did not tempt me to depart from it. + </p> + <p> + About this time I again visited M. d'Holbach. My visit was occasioned by + the death of his wife, which, as well as that of Madam Francueil, + happened whilst I was at Geneva. Diderot, when he communicated to me + these melancholy events, spoke of the deep affliction of the husband. + His grief affected my heart. I myself was grieved for the loss of that + excellent woman, and wrote to M. d'Holbach a letter of condolence. I + forgot all the wrongs he had done me, and at my return from Geneva, and + after he had made the tour of France with Grimm and other friends to + alleviate his affliction, I went to see him, and continued my visits + until my departure for the Hermitage. As soon as it was known in his + circle that Madam D'Epinay was preparing me a habitation there, + innumerable sarcasms, founded upon the want I must feel of the flattery + and amusement of the city, and the supposition of my not being able to + support the solitude for a fortnight, were uttered against me. Feeling + within myself how I stood affected, I left him and his friends to say + what they pleased, and pursued my intention. M. d'Holbach rendered me + some services— in finding a place for the old Le Vasseur, who was + eighty years of age and a burden to his wife, from which she begged me + to relieve her. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [This is an instance of the treachery of my memory. A long time after + I had written what I have stated above, I learned, in conversing with + my wife, that it was not M. d'Holbach, but M. de Chenonceaux, then one + of the administrators of the Hotel Dieu, who procured this place for + her father. I had so totally forgotten the circumstance, and the idea + of M. d'Holbach's having done it was so strong in my mind that I would + have sworn it had been him.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + He was put into a house of charity, where, almost as soon as he arrived + there, age and the grief of finding himself removed from his family sent + him to the grave. His wife and all his children, except Theresa, did not + much regret his loss. But she, who loved him tenderly, has ever since + been inconsolable, and never forgiven herself for having suffered him, + at so advanced an age, to end his days in any other house than her own. + </p> + <p> + Much about the same time I received a visit I little expected, although + it was from a very old acquaintance. My friend Venture, accompanied by + another man, came upon me one morning by surprise. What a change did I + discover in his person! Instead of his former gracefulness, he appeared + sottish and vulgar, which made me extremely reserved with him. My eyes + deceived me, or either debauchery had stupefied his mind, or all his + first splendor was the effect of his youth, which was past. I saw him + almost with indifference, and we parted rather coolly. But when he was + gone, the remembrance of our former connection so strongly called to my + recollection that of my younger days, so charmingly, so prudently + dedicated to that angelic woman (Madam de Warrens) who was not much less + changed than himself; the little anecdotes of that happy time, the + romantic day of Toune passed with so much innocence and enjoyment + between those two charming girls, from whom a kiss of the hand was the + only favor, and which, notwithstanding its being so trifling, had left + me such lively, affecting and lasting regrets; and the ravishing + delirium of a young heart, which I had just felt in all its force, and + of which I thought the season forever past for me. The tender + remembrance of these delightful circumstances made me shed tears over my + faded youth and its transports for ever lost to me. Ah! how many tears + should I have shed over their tardy and fatal return had I foreseen the + evils I had yet to suffer from them. + </p> + <p> + Before I left Paris, I enjoyed during the winter which preceded my + retreat, a pleasure after my own heart, and of which I tasted in all its + purity. Palissot, academician of Nancy, known by a few dramatic + compositions, had just had one of them performed at Luneville before the + King of Poland. He perhaps thought to make his court by representing in + his piece a man who had dared to enter into a literary dispute with the + king. Stanislaus, who was generous, and did not like satire, was filled + with indignation at the author's daring to be personal in his presence. + The Comte de Tressan, by order of the prince, wrote to M. d'Alembert, as + well as to myself, to inform me that it was the intention of his majesty + to have Palissot expelled his academy. My answer was a strong + solicitation in favor of Palissot, begging M. de Tressan to intercede + with the king in his behalf. His pardon was granted, and M. de Tressan, + when he communicated to me the information in the name of the monarch, + added that the whole of what had passed should be inserted in the + register of the academy. I replied that this was less granting a pardon + than perpetuating a punishment. At length, after repeated solicitations, + I obtained a promise, that nothing relative to the affair should be + inserted in the register, and that no public trace should remain of it. + The promise was accompanied, as well on the part of the king as on that + of M. de Tressan, with assurance of esteem and respect, with which I was + extremely flattered; and I felt on this occasion that the esteem of men + who are themselves worthy of it, produced in the mind a sentiment + infinitely more noble and pleasing than that of vanity. I have + transcribed into my collection the letters of M. de Tressan, with my + answers to them: and the original of the former will be found amongst my + other papers. + </p> + <p> + I am perfectly aware that if ever these memoirs become public, I here + perpetuate the remembrance of a fact which I would wish to efface every + trace; but I transmit many others as much against my inclination. The + grand object of my undertaking, constantly before my eyes, and the + indispensable duty of fulfilling it to its utmost extent, will not + permit me to be turned aside by trifling considerations, which would + lead me from my purpose. In my strange and unparalleled situation, I owe + too much to truth to be further than this indebted to any person + whatever. They who wish to know me well must be acquainted with me in + every point of view, in every relative situation, both good and bad. My + confessions are necessarily connected with those of many other people: I + write both with the same frankness in everything that relates to that + which has befallen me; and am not obliged to spare any person more than + myself, although it is my wish to do it. I am determined always to be + just and true, to say of others all the good I can, never speaking of + evil except when it relates to my own conduct, and there is a necessity + for my so doing. Who, in the situation in which the world has placed me, + has a right to require more at my hands? My confessions are not intended + to appear during my lifetime, nor that of those they may disagreeably + affect. Were I master of my own destiny, and that of the book I am now + writing, it should never be made public until after my death and theirs. + But the efforts which the dread of truth obliges my powerful enemies to + make to destroy every trace of it, render it necessary for me to do + everything, which the strictest right, and the most severe justice, will + permit, to preserve what I have written. Were the remembrance of me to + be lost at my dissolution, rather than expose any person alive, I would + without a murmur suffer an unjust and momentary reproach. But since my + name is to live, it is my duty to endeavor to transmit with it to + posterity the remembrance of the unfortunate man by whom it was borne, + such as he really was, and not such as his unjust enemies incessantly + endeavored to describe him. + </p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> <a name="link9"></a> <br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK IX. + </h1> + <br /><br /> + <p> + My impatience to inhabit the Hermitage not permitting me to wait until + the return of fine weather, the moment my lodging was prepared I + hastened to take possession of it, to the great amusement of the + 'Coterie Holbachaque', which publicly predicted I should not be able to + support solitude for three months, and that I should unsuccessfully + return to Paris, and live there as they did. For my part, having for + fifteen years been out of my element, finding myself upon the eve of + returning to it, I paid no attention to their pleasantries. Since + contrary to my inclinations, I have again entered the world, I have + incessantly regretted my dear Charmettes, and the agreeable life I led + there. I felt a natural inclination to retirement and the country: it + was impossible for me to live happily elsewhere. At Venice, in the train + of public affairs, in the dignity of a kind of representation, in the + pride of projects of advancement; at Paris, in the vortex of the great + world, in the luxury of suppers, in the brilliancy of spectacles, in the + rays of splendor; my groves, rivulets, and solitary walks, constantly + presented themselves to my recollection, interrupted my thought, + rendered me melancholy, and made me sigh with desire. All the labor to + which I had subjected myself, every project of ambition which by fits + had animated my ardor, all had for object this happy country retirement, + which I now thought near at hand. Without having acquired a genteel + independence, which I had judged to be the only means of accomplishing + my views, I imagined myself, in my particular situation, to be able to + do without it, and that I could obtain the same end by a means quite + opposite. I had no regular income; but I possessed some talents, and had + acquired a name. My wants were few, and I had freed myself from all + those which were most expensive, and which merely depended on prejudice + and opinion. Besides this, although naturally indolent, I was laborious + when I chose to be so. and my idleness was less that of an indolent man, + than that of an independent one who applies to business when it pleases + him. My profession of a copyist of music was neither splendid nor + lucrative, but it was certain. The world gave me credit for the courage + I had shown in making choice of it. I might depend upon having + sufficient employment to enable me to live. Two thousand livres which + remained of the produce of the 'Devin du Village', and my other + writings, were a sum which kept me from being straitened, and several + works I had upon the stocks promised me, without extorting money from + the booksellers, supplies sufficient to enable me to work at my ease + without exhausting myself, even by turning to advantage the leisure of + my walks. My little family, consisting of three persons, all of whom + were usefully employed, was not expensive to support. Finally, from my + resources, proportioned to my wants and desires, I might reasonably + expect a happy and permanent existence, in that manner of life which my + inclination had induced me to adopt. + </p> + <p> + I might have taken the interested side of the question, and, instead of + subjecting my pen to copying, entirely devoted it to works which, from + the elevation to which I had soared, and at which I found myself capable + of continuing, might have enabled me to live in the midst of abundance, + nay, even of opulence, had I been the least disposed to join the + manoeuvres of an author to the care of publishing a good book. But I + felt that writing for bread would soon have extinguished my genius, and + destroyed my talents, which were less in my pen than in my heart, and + solely proceeded from an elevated and noble manner of thinking, by which + alone they could be cherished and preserved. Nothing vigorous or great + can come from a pen totally venal. Necessity, nay, even avarice, + perhaps, would have made me write rather rapidly than well. If the + desire of success had not led me into cabals, it might have made me + endeavor to publish fewer true and useful works than those which might + be pleasing to the multitude; and instead of a distinguished author, + which I might possibly become, I should have been nothing more than a + scribbler. No: I have always felt that the profession of letters was + illustrious in proportion as it was less a trade. It is too difficult to + think nobly when we think for a livelihood. To be able to dare even to + speak great truths, an author must be independent of success. I gave my + books to the public with a certainty of having written for the general + good of mankind, without giving myself the least concern about what was + to follow. If the work was thrown aside, so much the worse for such as + did not choose to profit by it. Their approbation was not necessary to + enable me to live, my profession was sufficient to maintain me had not + my works had a sale, for which reason alone they all sold. + </p> + <p> + It was on the ninth of August, 1756, that I left cities, never to reside + in them again: for I do not call a residence the few days I afterwards + remained in Paris, London, or other cities, always on the wing, or + contrary to my inclinations. Madam d'Epinay came and took us all three + in her coach; her farmer carted away my little baggage, and I was put + into possession the same day. I found my little retreat simply + furnished, but neatly, and with some taste. The hand which had lent its + aid in this furnishing rendered it inestimable in my eyes, and I thought + it charming to be the guest of my female friend in a house I had made + choice of, and which she had caused to be built purposely for me. + </p> + <p> + Although the weather was cold, and the ground lightly covered with snow, + the earth began to vegetate: violets and primroses already made their + appearance, the trees began to bud, and the evening of my arrival was + distinguished by the song of the nightingale, which was heard almost + under my window, in a wood adjoining the house. After a light sleep, + forgetting when I awoke my change of abode, I still thought myself in + the Rue Grenelle, when suddenly this warbling made me give a start, and + I exclaimed in my transport: "At length, all my wishes are + accomplished!" The first thing I did was to abandon myself to the + impression of the rural objects with which I was surrounded. Instead of + beginning to set things in order in my new habitation, I began by doing + it for my walks, and there was not a path, a copse, a grove, nor a + corner in the environs of my place of residence that I did not visit the + next day. The more I examined this charming retreat, the more I found it + to my wishes. This solitary, rather than savage, spot transported me in + idea to the end of the world. It had striking beauties which are but + seldom found near cities, and never, if suddenly transported thither, + could any person have imagined himself within four leagues of Paris. + </p> + <p> + After abandoning myself for a few days to this rural delirium, I began + to arrange my papers, and regulate my occupations. I set apart, as I had + always done, my mornings to copying, and my afternoons to walking, + provided with my little paper book and a pencil, for never having been + able to write and think at my ease except 'sub dio', I had no + inclination to depart from this method, and I was persuaded the forest + of Montmorency, which was almost at my door, would in future be my + closet and study. I had several works begun; these I cast my eye over. + My mind was indeed fertile in great projects, but in the noise of the + city the execution of them had gone on but slowly. I proposed to myself + to use more diligence when I should be less interrupted. I am of opinion + I have sufficiently fulfilled this intention; and for a man frequently + ill, often at La Chevrette, at Epinay, at Raubonne, at the castle of + Montmorency, at other times interrupted by the indolent and curious, and + always employed half the day in copying, if what I produced during the + six years I passed at the Hermitage and at Montmorency be considered, I + am persuaded it will appear that if, in this interval, I lost my time, + it was not in idleness. + </p> + <p> + Of the different works I had upon the stocks, that I had longest + resolved in my mind which was most to my taste; to which I destined a + certain portion of my life, and which, in my opinion, was to confirm the + reputation I had acquired, was my 'Institutions Politiques. I had, + fourteen years before, when at Venice, where I had an opportunity of + remarking the defects of that government so much boasted of, conceived + the first idea of them. Since that time my views had become much more + extended by the historical study of morality. I had perceived everything + to be radically connected with politics, and that, upon whatever + principles these were founded, a people would never be more than that + which the nature of the government made them; therefore the great + question of the best government possible appeared to me to be reduced to + this: What is the nature of a government the most proper to form the + most virtuous and enlightened, the wisest and best people, taking the + last epithet in its most extensive meaning? I thought this question was + much if not quite of the same nature with that which follows: What + government is that which, by its nature, always maintains itself nearest + to the laws, or least deviates from the laws. Hence, what is the law? + and a series of questions of similar importance. I perceived these led + to great truths, useful to the happiness of mankind, but more especially + to that of my country, wherein, in the journey I had just made to it, I + had not found notions of laws and liberty either sufficiently just or + clear. I had thought this indirect manner of communicating these to my + fellow-citizens would be least mortifying to their pride, and might + obtain me forgiveness for having seen a little further than themselves. + </p> + <p> + Although I had already labored five or six years at the work, the + progress I had made in it was not considerable. Writings of this kind + require meditation, leisure and tranquillity. I had besides written the + 'Institutions Politiques', as the expression is, 'en bonne fortune', and + had not communicated my project to any person; not even to Diderot. I + was afraid it would be thought too daring for the age and country in + which I wrote, and that the fears of my friends would restrain me from + carrying it into execution. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [It was more especially the wise severity of Duclos which inspired me + with this fear; as for Diderot, I know not by what means all my + conferences with him tended to make me more satirical than my natural + disposition inclined me to be. This prevented me from consulting him + upon an undertaking, in which I wished to introduce nothing but the + force of reasoning without the least appearance of ill humor or + partiality. The manner of this work may be judged of by that of the + 'Contrat Social', which is taken from it.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + I did not yet know that it would be finished in time, and in such a + manner as to appear before my decease. I wished fearlessly to give to my + subject everything it required; fully persuaded that not being of a + satirical turn, and never wishing to be personal, I should in equity + always be judged irreprehensible. I undoubtedly wished fully to enjoy + the right of thinking which I had by birth; but still respecting the + government under which I lived, without ever disobeying its laws, and + very attentive not to violate the rights of persons, I would not from + fear renounce its advantages. + </p> + <p> + I confess, even that, as a stranger, and living in France, I found my + situation very favorable in daring to speak the truth; well knowing that + continuing, as I was determined to do, not to print anything in the + kingdom without permission, I was not obliged to give to any person in + it an account of my maxims nor of their publication elsewhere. I should + have been less independent even at Geneva, where, in whatever place my + books might have been printed, the magistrate had a right to criticise + their contents. This consideration had greatly contributed to make me + yield to the solicitations of Madam d'Epinay, and abandon the project of + fixing my residence at Geneva. I felt, as I have remarked in my Emilius, + that unless an author be a man of intrigue, when he wishes to render his + works really useful to any country whatsoever, he must compose them in + some other. + </p> + <p> + What made me find my situation still more happy, was my being persuaded + that the government of France would, perhaps, without looking upon me + with a very favorable eye, make it a point to protect me, or at least + not to disturb my tranquillity. It appeared to me a stroke of simple, + yet dexterous policy, to make a merit of tolerating that which there was + no means of preventing; since, had I been driven from France, which was + all government had the right to do, my work would still have been + written, and perhaps with less reserve; whereas if I were left + undisturbed, the author remained to answer for what he wrote, and a + prejudice, general throughout all Europe, would be destroyed by + acquiring the reputation of observing a proper respect for the rights of + persons. + </p> + <p> + They who, by the event, shall judge I was deceived, may perhaps be + deceived in their turn. In the storm which has since broken over my + head, my books served as a pretence, but it was against my person that + every shaft was directed. My persecutors gave themselves but little + concern about the author, but they wished to ruin Jean Jacques; and the + greatest evil they found in my writings was the honor they might + possibly do me. Let us not encroach upon the future. I do not know that + this mystery, which is still one to me, will hereafter be cleared up to + my readers; but had my avowed principles been of a nature to bring upon + me the treatment I received, I should sooner have become their victim, + since the work in which these principles are manifested with most + courage, not to call it audacity, seemed to have had its effect previous + to my retreat to the Hermitage, without I will not only say my having + received the least censure, but without any steps having been taken to + prevent the publication of it in France, where it was sold as publicly + as in Holland. The New Eloisa afterwards appeared with the same + facility, I dare add; with the same applause: and, what seems + incredible, the profession of faith of this Eloisa at the point of death + is exactly similar to that of the Savoyard vicar. Every strong idea in + the Social Contract had been before published in the discourse on + Inequality; and every bold opinion in Emilius previously found in + Eloisa. This unrestrained freedom did not excite the least murmur + against the first two works; therefore it was not that which gave cause + to it against the latter. + </p> + <p> + Another undertaking much of the same kind, but of which the project was + more recent, then engaged my attention: this was the extract of the + works of the Abbe de Saint Pierre, of which, having been led away by the + thread of my narrative, I have not hitherto been able to speak. The idea + was suggested to me, after my return from Geneva, by the Abbe Malby, not + immediately from himself, but by the interposition of Madam Dupin, who + had some interest in engaging me to adopt it. She was one of the three + or four-pretty women of Paris, of whom the Abbe de Saint Pierre had been + the spoiled child, and although she had not decidedly had the + preference, she had at least partaken of it with Madam d'Aiguillon. She + preserved for the memory of the good man a respect and an affection + which did honor to them both; and her self-love would have been + flattered by seeing the still-born works of her friend brought to life + by her secretary. These works contained excellent things, but so badly + told that the reading of them was almost insupportable; and it is + astonishing the Abbe de Saint Pierre, who looked upon his readers as + schoolboys, should nevertheless have spoken to them as men, by the + little care he took to induce them to give him a hearing. It was for + this purpose that the work was proposed to me as useful in itself, and + very proper for a man laborious in manoeuvre, but idle as an author, who + finding the trouble of thinking very fatiguing, preferred, in things + which pleased him, throwing a light upon and extending the ideas of + others, to producing any himself. Besides, not being confined to the + functions of a translator, I was at liberty sometimes to think for + myself; and I had it in my power to give such a form to my work, that + many important truths would pass in it under the name of the Abbe de + Saint Pierre, much more safely than under mine. The undertaking also was + not trifling; the business was nothing less than to read and meditate + twenty-three volumes, diffuse, confused, full of long narrations and + periods, repetitions, and false or little views, from amongst which it + was necessary to select some few that were good and useful, and + sufficiently encouraging to enable me to support the painful labor. I + frequently wished to have given it up, and should have done so, could I + have got it off my hands with a great grace; but when I received the + manuscripts of the abbe, which were given to me by his nephew, the Comte + de Saint Pierre, I had, by the solicitation of St. Lambert, in some + measure engaged to make use of them, which I must either have done, or + have given them back. It was with the former intention I had taken the + manuscripts to the Hermitage, and this was the first work to which I + proposed to dedicate my leisure hours. + </p> + <p> + I had likewise in my own mind projected a third, the idea of which I + owed to the observations I had made upon myself and I felt the more + disposed to undertake this work, as I had reason to hope I could make it + a truly useful one, and perhaps, the most so of any that could be + offered to the world, were the execution equal to the plan I had laid + down. It has been remarked that most men are in the course of their + lives frequently unlike themselves, and seem to be transformed into + others very different from what they were. It was not to establish a + thing so generally known that I wished to write a book; I had a newer + and more important object. This was to search for the causes of these + variations, and, by confining my observations to those which depend on + ourselves, to demonstrate in what manner it might be possible to direct + them, in order to render us better and more certain of our dispositions. + For it is undoubtedly more painful to an honest man to resist desires + already formed, and which it is his duty to subdue, than to prevent, + change, or modify the same desires in their source, were he capable of + tracing them to it. A man under temptation resists once because he has + strength of mind, he yields another time because this is overcome; had + it been the same as before he would again have triumphed. + </p> + <p> + By examining within myself, and searching in others what could be the + cause of these different manners of being, I discovered that, in a great + measure they depended on the anterior impressions of external objects; + and that, continually modified by our senses and organs, we, without + knowing it, bore in our ideas, sentiments, and even actions, the effect + of these modifications. The striking and numerous observations I had + collected were beyond all manner of dispute, and by their natural + principle seemed proper to furnish an exterior regimen, which varied + according to circumstances, might place and support the mind in the + state most favorable to virtue. From how many mistakes would reason be + preserved, how many vices would be stifled in their birth, were it + possible to force animal economy to favor moral order, which it so + frequently disturbs! Climate, seasons, sounds, colors, light, darkness, + the elements, ailments, noise, silence, motion, rest, all act on the + animal machine, and consequently on the mind: all offer a thousand + means, almost certain of directing in their origin the sentiments by + which we suffer ourselves to be governed. Such was the fundamental idea + of which I had already made a sketch upon paper, and whence I hoped for + an effect the more certain, in favor of persons well disposed, who, + sincerely loving virtue, were afraid of their own weakness, as it + appeared to me easy to make of it a book as agreeable to read as it was + to compose. I have, however, applied myself but very little to this + work, the title of which was to have been 'Morale Sensitive' ou le + Materialisme du Sage. —[Sensitive Morality, or the Materialism of + the Sage.]—Interruptions, the cause of which will soon appear, + prevented me from continuing it, and the fate of the sketch, which is + more connected with my own than it may appear to be, will hereafter be + seen. + </p> + <p> + Besides this, I had for some time meditated a system of education, of + which Madam de Chenonceaux, alarmed for her son by that of her husband, + had desired me to consider. The authority of friendship placed this + object, although less in itself to my taste, nearer to my heart than any + other. On which account this subject, of all those of which I have just + spoken, is the only one I carried to its utmost extent. The end I + proposed to myself in treating of it should, I think, have procured the + author a better fate. But I will not here anticipate this melancholy + subject. I shall have too much reason to speak of it in the course of my + work. + </p> + <p> + These different objects offered me subjects of meditation for my walks; + for, as I believed I had already observed, I am unable to reflect when I + am not walking: the moment I stop, I think no more, and as soon as I am + again in motion my head resumes its workings. I had, however, provided + myself with a work for the closet upon rainy days. This was my + dictionary of music, which my scattered, mutilated, and unshapen + materials made it necessary to rewrite almost entirely. I had with me + some books necessary to this purpose; I had spent two months in making + extracts from others, I had borrowed from the king's library, whence I + was permitted to take several to the Hermitage. I was thus provided with + materials for composing in my apartment when the weather did not permit + me to go out, and my copying fatigued me. This arrangement was so + convenient that it made it turn to advantage as well at the Hermitage as + at Montmorency, and afterwards even at Motiers, where I completed the + work whilst I was engaged in others, and constantly found a change of + occupation to be a real relaxation. + </p> + <p> + During a considerable time I exactly followed the distribution I had + prescribed myself, and found it very agreeable; but as soon as the fine + weather brought Madam d'Epinay more frequently to Epinay, or to the + Chervette, I found that attentions, in the first instance natural to me, + but which I had not considered in my scheme, considerably deranged my + projects. I have already observed that Madam d'Epinay had many amiable + qualities; she sincerely loved her friends; served them with zeal; and, + not sparing for them either time or pains, certainly deserved on their + part every attention in return. I had hitherto discharged this duty + without considering it as one, but at length I found that I had given + myself a chain of which nothing but friendship prevented me from feeling + the weight, and this was still aggravated by my dislike to numerous + societies. Madam d' Epinay took advantage of these circumstances to make + me a proposition seemingly agreeable to me, but which was more so to + herself; this was to let me know when she was alone, or had but little + company. I consented, without perceiving to what a degree I engaged + myself. The consequence was that I no longer visited her at my own hour + —but at hers, and that I never was certain of being master of + myself for a day together. This constraint considerably diminished the + pleasure I had in going to see her. I found the liberty she had so + frequently promised was given me upon no other condition than that of my + never enjoying it; and once or twice when I wished to do this there were + so many messages, notes, and alarms relative to my health, that I + perceived that I could have no excuse but being confined to my bed, for + not immediately running to her upon the first intimation. It was + necessary I should submit to this yoke, and I did it, even more + voluntarily than could be expected from so great an enemy to dependence: + the sincere attachment I had to Madam D'Epinay preventing me, in a great + measure, from feeling the inconvenience with which it was accompanied. + She, on her part, filled up, well or ill, the void which the absence of + her usual circle left in her amusements. This for her was but a very + slender supplement, although preferable to absolute solitude, which she + could not support. She had the means of doing it much more at her ease + after she began with literature, and at all events to write novels, + letters, comedies, tales, and other trash of the same kind. But she was + not so much amused in writing these as in reading them; and she never + scribbled over two or three pages—at one sitting—without + being previously assured of having, at least, two or three benevolent + auditors at the end of so much labor. I seldom had the honor of being + one of the chosen few except by means of another. When alone, I was, for + the most part, considered as a cipher in everything; and this not only + in the company of Madam D'Epinay, but in that of M. d'Holbach, and in + every place where Grimm gave the 'ton'. This nullity was very convenient + to me, except in a tete-a-tete, when I knew not what countenance to put + on, not daring to speak of literature, of which it was not for me to say + a word; nor of gallantry, being too timid, and fearing, more than death, + the ridiculousness of an old gallant; besides that, I never had such an + idea when in the company of Madam D'Epinay, and that it perhaps would + never have occurred to me, had I passed my whole life with her; not that + her person was in the least disagreeable to me; on the contrary, I loved + her perhaps too much as a friend to do it as a lover. I felt a pleasure + in seeing and speaking to her. Her conversation, although agreeable + enough in a mixed company, was uninteresting in private; mine, not more + elegant or entertaining than her own, was no great amusement to her. + Ashamed of being long silent, I endeavored to enliven our tete-a-tete + and, although this frequently fatigued me, I was never disgusted with + it. I was happy to show her little attentions, and gave her little + fraternal kisses, which seemed not to be more sensual to herself; these + were all. She was very thin, very pale, and had a bosom which resembled + the back of her hand. This defect alone would have been sufficient to + moderate my most ardent desires; my heart never could distinguish a + woman in a person who had it; and besides other causes useless to + mention, always made me forget the sex of this lady. + </p> + <p> + Having resolved to conform to an assiduity which was necessary, I + immediately and voluntarily entered upon it, and for the first year at + least, found it less burthensome than I could have expected. Madam + d'Epinay, who commonly passed the summer in the country, continued there + but a part of this; whether she was more detained by her affairs in + Paris, or that the absence of Grimm rendered the residence of the + Chevrette less agreeable to her, I know not. I took the advantage of the + intervals of her absence, or when the company with her was numerous, to + enjoy my solitude with my good Theresa and her mother, in such a manner + as to taste all its charms. Although I had for several years passed been + frequently in the country, I seldom had enjoyed much of its pleasures; + and these excursions, always made in company with people who considered + themselves as persons of consequence, and rendered insipid by + constraint, served to increase in me the natural desire I had for rustic + pleasures. The want of these was the more sensible to me as I had the + image of them immediately before my eyes. I was so tired of saloons, + jets d'eau, groves, parterres, and of more fatiguing persons by whom + they were shown; so exhausted with pamphlets, harpsichords, trios, + unravellings of plots, stupid bon mots, insipid affections, pitiful + storytellers, and great suppers; that when I gave a side glance at a + poor simple hawthorn bush, a hedge, a barn, or a meadow; when, in + passing through a hamlet, I scented a good chervil omelette, and heard + at a distance the burden of a rustic song of the Bisquieres; I wished + all rouge, furbelows and amber at the d—l, and envying the dinner + of the good housewife, and the wine of her own vineyard, I heartily + wished to give a slap on the chaps to Monsieur le Chef and Monsieur le + Maitre, who made me dine at the hour of supper, and sup when I should + have been asleep, but especially to Messieurs the lackeys, who devoured + with their eyes the morsel I put into my mouth, and upon pain of my + dying with thirst, sold me the adulterated wine of their master, ten + times dearer than that of a better quality would have cost me at a + public house. + </p> + <p> + At length I was settled in an agreeable and solitary asylum, at liberty + to pass there the remainder of my days, in that peaceful, equal, and + independent life for which I felt myself born. Before I relate the + effects this situation, so new to me, had upon my heart, it is proper I + should recapitulate its secret affections, that the reader may better + follow in their causes the progress of these new modifications. + </p> + <p> + I have always considered the day on which I was united to Theresa as + that which fixed my moral existence. An attachment was necessary for me, + since that which should have been sufficient to my heart had been so + cruelly broken. The thirst after happiness is never extinguished in the + heart of man. Mamma was advancing into years, and dishonored herself! I + had proofs that she could never more be happy here below; it therefore + remained to me to seek my own happiness, having lost all hopes of + partaking of hers. I was sometimes irresolute, and fluctuated from one + idea to another, and from project to project. My journey to Venice would + have thrown me into public life, had the man with whom, almost against + my inclination, I was connected there had common sense. I was easily + discouraged, especially in undertakings of length and difficulty. The + ill success of this disgusted me with every other; and, according to my + old maxims, considering distant objects as deceitful allurements, I + resolved in future to provide for immediate wants, seeing nothing in + life which could tempt me to make extraordinary efforts. + </p> + <p> + It was precisely at this time we became acquainted. The mild character + of the good Theresa seemed so fitted to my own, that I united myself to + her with an attachment which neither time nor injuries have been able to + impair, and which has constantly been increased by everything by which + it might have been expected to be diminished. The force of this + sentiment will hereafter appear when I come to speak of the wounds she + has given my heart in the height of my misery, without my ever having, + until this moment, once uttered a word of complaint to any person + whatever. + </p> + <p> + When it shall be known, that after having done everything, braved + everything, not to separate from her; that after passing with her twenty + years in despite of fate and men; I have in my old age made her my wife, + without the least expectation or solicitation on her part, or promise or + engagement on mine, the world will think that love bordering upon + madness, having from the first moment turned my head, led me by degrees + to the last act of extravagance; and this will no longer appear doubtful + when the strong and particular reasons which should forever have + prevented me from taking such a step are made known. What, therefore, + will the reader think when I shall have told him, with all the truth he + has ever found in me, that, from the first moment in which I saw her, + until that wherein I write, I have never felt the least love for her, + that I never desired to possess her more than I did to possess Madam de + Warrens, and that the physical wants which were satisfied with her + person were, to me, solely those of the sex, and by no means proceeding + from the individual? He will think that, being of a constitution + different from that of other men, I was incapable of love, since this + was not one of the sentiments which attached me to women the most dear + to my heart. Patience, O my dear reader! the fatal moment approaches in + which you will be but too much undeceived. + </p> + <p> + I fall into repetitions; I know it; and these are necessary. The first + of my wants, the greatest, strongest and most insatiable, was wholly in + my heart; the want of an intimate connection, and as intimate as it + could possibly be: for this reason especially, a woman was more + necessary to me than a man, a female rather than a male friend. This + singular want was such that the closest corporal union was not + sufficient: two souls would have been necessary to me in the same body, + without which I always felt a void. I thought I was upon the point of + filling it up forever. This young person, amiable by a thousand + excellent qualities, and at that time by her form, without the shadow of + art or coquetry, would have confined within herself my whole existence, + could hers, as I had hoped it would, have been totally confined to me. I + had nothing to fear from men; I am certain of being the only man she + ever really loved and her moderate passions seldom wanted another not + even after I ceased in this respect to be one to her. I had no family; + she had one; and this family was composed of individuals whose + dispositions were so different from mine, that I could never make it my + own. This was the first cause of my unhappiness. What would I not have + given to be the child of her mother? I did everything in my power to + become so, but could never succeed. I in vain attempted to unite all our + interests: this was impossible. She always created herself one different + from mine, contrary to it, and to that even of her daughter, which + already was no longer separated from it. She, her other children, and + grand-children, became so many leeches, and the least evil these did to + Theresa was robbing her. The poor girl, accustomed to submit, even to + her nieces, suffered herself to be pilfered and governed without saying + a word; and I perceived with grief that by exhausting my purse, and + giving her advice, I did nothing that could be of any real advantage to + her. I endeavored to detach her from her mother; but she constantly + resisted such a proposal. I could not but respect her resistance, and + esteemed her the more for it; but her refusal was not on this account + less to the prejudice of us both. Abandoned to her mother and the rest + of her family, she was more their companion than mine, and rather at + their command than mistress of herself. Their avarice was less ruinous + than their advice was pernicious to her; in fact, if, on account of the + love she had for me, added to her good natural disposition, she was not + quite their slave, she was enough so to prevent in a great measure the + effect of the good maxims I endeavored to instil into her, and, + notwithstanding all my efforts, to prevent our being united. + </p> + <p> + Thus was it, that notwithstanding a sincere and reciprocal attachment, + in which I had lavished all the tenderness of my heart, the void in that + heart was never completely filled. Children, by whom this effect should + have been produced, were brought into the world, but these only made + things worse. I trembled at the thought of intrusting them to a family + ill brought up, to be still worse educated. The risk of the education of + the foundling hospital was much less. This reason for the resolution I + took, much stronger than all those I stated in my letter to Madam de + Francueil, was, however, the only one with which I dared not make her + acquainted; I chose rather to appear less excusable than to expose to + reproach the family of a person I loved. But by the conduct of her + wretched brother, notwithstanding all that can be said in his defence, + it will be judged whether or not I ought to have exposed my children to + an education similar to his. + </p> + <p> + Not having it in my power to taste in all its plentitude the charms of + that intimate connection of which I felt the want, I sought for + substitutes which did not fill up the void, yet they made it less + sensible. Not having a friend entirely devoted to me, I wanted others, + whose impulse should overcome my indolence; for this reason I cultivated + and strengthened my connection with Diderot and the Abbe de Condillac, + formed with Grimm a new one still more intimate, till at length by the + unfortunate discourse, of which I have related some particulars, I + unexpectedly found myself thrown back into a literary circle which I + thought I had quitted forever. + </p> + <p> + My first steps conducted me by a new path to another intellectual world, + the simple and noble economy of which I cannot contemplate without + enthusiasm. I reflected so much on the subject that I soon saw nothing + but error and folly in the doctrine of our sages, and oppression and + misery in our social order. In the illusion of my foolish pride, I + thought myself capable of destroying all imposture; and thinking that, + to make myself listened to, it was necessary my conduct should agree + with my principles, I adopted the singular manner of life which I have + not been permitted to continue, the example of which my pretended + friends have never forgiven me, which at first made me ridiculous, and + would at length have rendered me respectable, had it been possible for + me to persevere. + </p> + <p> + Until then I had been good; from that moment I became virtuous, or at + least infatuated with virtue. This infatuation had begun in my head, but + afterwards passed into my heart. The most noble pride there took root + amongst the ruins of extirpated vanity. I affected nothing; I became + what I appeared to be, and during four years at least, whilst this + effervescence continued at its greatest height, there is nothing great + and good that can enter the heart of man, of which I was not capable + between heaven and myself. Hence flowed my sudden eloquence; hence, in + my first writings, that fire really celestial, which consumed me, and + whence during forty years not a single spark had escaped, because it was + not yet lighted up. + </p> + <p> + I was really transformed; my friends and acquaintance scarcely knew me. + I was no longer that timid, and rather bashful than modest man, who + neither dared to present himself, nor utter a word; whom a single + pleasantry disconcerted, and whose face was covered with a blush the + moment his eyes met those of a woman. I became bold, haughty, intrepid, + with a confidence the more firm, as it was simple, and resided in my + soul rather than in my manner. The contempt with which my profound + meditations had inspired me for the manners, maxims and prejudices of + the age in which I lived, rendered me proof against the raillery of + those by whom they were possessed, and I crushed their little + pleasantries with a sentence, as I would have crushed an insect with my + fingers. + </p> + <p> + What a change! All Paris repeated the severe and acute sarcasms of the + same man who, two years before, and ten years afterwards, knew not how + to find what he had to say, nor the word he ought to employ. Let the + situation in the world the most contrary to my natural disposition be + sought after, and this will be found. Let one of the short moments of my + life in which I became another man, and ceased to be myself, be + recollected, this also will be found in the time of which I speak; but, + instead of continuing only six days, or six weeks, it lasted almost six + years, and would perhaps still continue, but for the particular + circumstances which caused it to cease, and restored me to nature, above + which I had, wished to soar. + </p> + <p> + The beginning of this change took place as soon as I had quitted Paris, + and the sight of the vices of that city no longer kept up the + indignation with which it had inspired me. I no sooner had lost sight of + men than I ceased to despise them, and once removed from those who + designed me evil, my hatred against them no longer existed. My heart, + little fitted for hatred, pitied their misery, and even their + wickedness. This situation, more pleasing but less sublime, soon allayed + the ardent enthusiasm by which I had so long been transported; and I + insensibly, almost to myself even, again became fearful, complaisant and + timid; in a word, the same Jean Jacques I before had been. + </p> + <p> + Had this resolution gone no further than restoring me to myself, all + would have been well; but unfortunately it rapidly carried me away to + the other extreme. From that moment my mind in agitation passed the line + of repose, and its oscillations, continually renewed, have never + permitted it to remain here. I must enter into some detail of this + second revolution; terrible and fatal era, of a fate unparalleled + amongst mortals. + </p> + <p> + We were but three persons in our retirement; it was therefore natural + our intimacy should be increased by leisure and solitude. This was the + case between Theresa and myself. We passed in conversations in the shade + the most charming and delightful hours, more so than any I had hitherto + enjoyed. She seemed to taste of this sweet intercourse more than I had + until then observed her to do; she opened her heart, and communicated to + me, relative to her mother and family, things she had had resolution + enough to conceal for a great length of time. Both had received from + Madam Dupin numerous presents, made them on my account, and mostly for + me, but which the cunning old woman, to prevent my being angry, had + appropriated to her own use and that of her other children, without + suffering Theresa to have the least share, strongly forbidding her to + say a word to me of the matter: an order the poor girl had obeyed with + an incredible exactness. + </p> + <p> + But another thing which surprised me more than this had done, was the + discovery that besides the private conversations Diderot and Grimm had + frequently had with both to endeavor to detach them from me, in which, + by means of the resistance of Theresa, they had not been able to + succeed, they had afterwards had frequent conferences with the mother, + the subject of which was a secret to the daughter. However, she knew + little presents had been made, and that there were mysterious goings + backward and forward, the motive of which was entirely unknown to her. + When we left Paris, Madam le Vasseur had long been in the habit of going + to see Grimm twice or thrice a month, and continuing with him for hours + together, in conversation so secret that the servant was always sent out + of the room. + </p> + <p> + I judged this motive to be of the same nature with the project into + which they had attempted to make the daughter enter, by promising to + procure her and her mother, by means of Madam d'Epinay, a salt + huckster's license, or snuff-shop; in a word, by tempting her with the + allurements of gain. They had been told that, as I was not in a + situation to do anything for them, I could not, on their account, do + anything for myself. As in all this I saw nothing but good intentions, I + was not absolutely displeased with them for it. The mystery was the only + thing which gave me pain, especially on the part of the old woman, who + moreover daily became more parasitical and flattering towards me. This, + however, did not prevent her from reproaching her daughter in private + with telling me everything, and loving me too much, observing to her she + was a fool and would at length be made a dupe. + </p> + <p> + This woman possessed, to a supreme degree, the art of multiplying the + presents made her, by concealing from one what she received from + another, and from me what she received from all. I could have pardoned + her avarice, but it was impossible I should forgive her dissimulation. + What could she have to conceal from me whose happiness she knew + principally consisted in that of herself and her daughter? What I had + done for the daughter I had done for myself, but the services I rendered + the mother merited on her part some acknowledgment. She ought, at least, + to have thought herself obliged for them to her daughter, and to have + loved me for the sake of her by whom I was already beloved. I had raised + her from the lowest state of wretchedness; she received from my hands + the means of subsistence, and was indebted to me for her acquaintance + with the persons from whom she found means to reap considerable benefit. + Theresa had long supported her by her industry, and now maintained her + with my bread. She owed everything to this daughter, for whom she had + done nothing, and her other children, to whom she had given marriage + portions, and on whose account she had ruined herself, far from giving + her the least aid, devoured her substance and mine. I thought that in + such a situation she ought to consider me as her only friend and most + sure protector, and that, far from making of my own affairs a secret to + me, and conspiring against me in my house, it was her duty faithfully to + acquaint me with everything in which I was interested, when this came to + her knowledge before it did to mine. In what light, therefore, could I + consider her false and mysterious conduct? What could I think of the + sentiments with which she endeavored to inspire her daughter? What + monstrous ingratitude was hers, to endeavor to instil it into her from + whom I expected my greatest consolation? + </p> + <p> + These reflections at length alienated my affections from this woman, and + to such a degree that I could no longer look upon her but with contempt. + I nevertheless continued to treat with respect the mother of the friend + of my bosom, and in everything to show her almost the reverence of a + son; but I must confess I could not remain long with her without pain, + and that I never knew how to bear restraint. + </p> + <p> + This is another short moment of my life, in which I approached near to + happiness without being able to attain it, and this by no fault of my + own. Had the mother been of a good disposition we all three should have + been happy to the end of our days; the longest liver only would have + been to be pitied. Instead of which, the reader will see the course + things took, and judge whether or not it was in my power to change it. + </p> + <p> + Madam le Vasseur, who perceived I had got more full possession of the + heart of Theresa, and that she had lost ground with her, endeavored to + regain it; and instead of striving to restore herself to my good opinion + by the mediation of her daughter attempted to alienate her affections + from me. One of the means she employed was to call her family to her + aid. I had begged Theresa not to invite any of her relations to the + Hermitage, and she had promised me she would not. These were sent for in + my absence, without consulting her, and she was afterwards prevailed + upon to promise not to say anything of the matter. After the first step + was taken all the rest were easy. When once we make a secret of anything + to the person we love, we soon make little scruple of doing it in + everything; the moment I was at the Chevrette the Hermitage was full of + people who sufficiently amused themselves. A mother has always great + power over a daughter of a mild disposition; yet notwithstanding all the + old woman could do, she was never able to prevail upon Theresa to enter + into her views, nor to persuade her to join in the league against me. + For her part, she resolved upon doing it forever, and seeing on one side + her daughter and myself, who were in a situation to live, and that was + all; on the other, Diderot, Grimm, D' Holbach and Madam d'Epinay, who + promised great things, and gave some little ones, she could not conceive + it was possible to be in the wrong with the wife of a farmer-general and + baron. Had I been more clear sighted, I should from this moment have + perceived I nourished a serpent in my bosom. But my blind confidence, + which nothing had yet diminished, was such that I could not imagine she + wished to injure the person she ought to love. Though I saw numerous + conspiracies formed on every side, all I complain of was the tyranny of + persons who called themselves my friends, and who, as it seemed, would + force me to be happy in the manner they should point out, and not in + that I had chosen for myself. + </p> + <p> + Although Theresa refused to join in the confederacy with her mother, she + afterwards kept her secret. For this her motive was commendable, + although I will not determine whether she did it well or ill. Two women, + who have secrets between them, love to prattle together; this attracted + them towards each other, and Theresa, by dividing herself, sometimes let + me feel I was alone; for I could no longer consider as a society that + which we all three formed. + </p> + <p> + I now felt the neglect I had been guilty of during the first years of + our connection, in not taking advantage of the docility with which her + love inspired her, to improve her talents and give her knowledge, which, + by more closely connecting us in our retirement would agreeably have + filled up her time and my own, without once suffering us to perceive the + length of a private conversation. Not that this was ever exhausted + between us, or that she seemed disgusted with our walks; but we had not + a sufficient number of ideas common to both to make ourselves a great + store, and we could not incessantly talk of our future projects which + were confined to those of enjoying the pleasures of life. The objects + around us inspired me with reflections beyond the reach of her + comprehension. An attachment of twelve years' standing had no longer + need of words: we were too well acquainted with each other to have any + new knowledge to acquire in that respect. The resource of puns, jests, + gossiping and scandal, was all that remained. In solitude especially is + it, that the advantage of living with a person who knows how to think is + particularly felt. I wanted not this resource to amuse myself with her; + but she would have stood in need of it to have always found amusement + with me. The worst of all was our being obliged to hold our + conversations when we could; her mother, who become importunate, obliged + me to watch for opportunities to do it. I was under constraint in my own + house: this is saying everything; the air of love was prejudicial to + good friendship. We had an intimate intercourse without living in + intimacy. + </p> + <p> + The moment I thought I perceived that Theresa sometimes sought for a + pretext to elude the walks I proposed to her, I ceased to invite her to + accompany me, without being displeased with her for not finding in them + so much amusement as I did. Pleasure is not a thing which depends upon + the will. I was sure of her heart, and the possession of this was all I + desired. As long as my pleasures were hers, I tasted of them with her; + when this ceased to be the case I preferred her contentment to my own. + </p> + <p> + In this manner it was that, half deceived in my expectation, leading a + life after my own heart, in a residence I had chosen with a person who + was dear to me, I at length found myself almost alone. What I still + wanted prevented me from enjoying what I had. With respect to happiness + and enjoyment, everything or nothing, was what was necessary to me. The + reason of these observations will hereafter appear. At present I return + to the thread of my narrative. + </p> + <p> + I imagined that I possessed treasures in the manuscripts given me by the + Comte de St. Pierre. On examination I found they were a little more than + the collection of the printed works of his uncle, with notes and + corrections by his own hand, and a few other trifling fragments which + had not yet been published. I confirmed myself by these moral writings + in the idea I had conceived from some of his letters, shown me by Madam + de Crequi, that he had more sense and ingenuity than at first I had + imagined; but after a careful examination of his political works, I + discerned nothing but superficial notions, and projects that were useful + but impracticable, in consequence of the idea from which the author + never could depart, that men conducted themselves by their sagacity + rather than by their passions. The high opinion he had of the knowledge + of the moderns had made him adopt this false principle of improved + reason, the basis of all the institutions he proposed, and the source of + his political sophisms. This extraordinary man, an honor to the age in + which he lived, and to the human species, and perhaps the only person, + since the creation of mankind, whose sole passion was that of reason, + wandered in all his systems from error to error, by attempting to make + men like himself, instead of taking them as they were, are, and will + continue to be. He labored for imaginary beings, while he thought + himself employed for the benefit of his contemporaries. + </p> + <p> + All these things considered, I was rather embarrassed as to the form I + should give to my work. To suffer the author's visions to pass was doing + nothing useful; fully to refute them would have been unpolite, as the + care of revising and publishing his manuscripts, which I had accepted, + and even requested, had been intrusted to me; this trust had imposed on + me the obligation of treating the author honorably. I at length + concluded upon that which to me appeared the most decent, judicious, and + useful. This was to give separately my own ideas and those of the + author, and, for this purpose, to enter into his views, to set them in a + new light, to amplify, extend them, and spare nothing which might + contribute to present them in all their excellence. + </p> + <p> + My work therefore was to be composed of two parts absolutely distinct: + one, to explain, in the manner I have just mentioned, the different + projects of the author; in the other, which was not to appear until the + first had had its effect, I should have given my opinion upon these + projects, which I confess might sometimes have exposed them to the fate + of the sonnet of the misanthrope. At the head of the whole was to have + been the life of the author. For this I had collected some good + materials, and which I flattered myself I should not spoil in making use + of them. I had been a little acquainted with the Abbe de St. Pierre, in + his old age, and the veneration I had for his memory warranted to me, + upon the whole, that the comte would not be dissatisfied with the manner + in which I should have treated his relation. + </p> + <p> + I made my first essay on the 'Perpetual Peace', the greatest and most + elaborate of all the works which composed the collection; and before I + abandoned myself to my reflections I had the courage to read everything + the abbe had written upon this fine subject, without once suffering + myself to be disgusted either by his slowness or his repetitions. The + public has seen the extract, on which account I have nothing to say upon + the subject. My opinion of it has not been printed, nor do I know that + it ever will be; however, it was written at the same time the extract + was made. From this I passed to the 'Polysynodie', or Plurality of + Councils, a work written under the regent to favor the administration he + had chosen, and which caused the Abbe de Saint Pierre to be expelled + from the academy, on account of some remarks unfavorable to the + preceding administration, and with which the Duchess of Maine and the + Cardinal de Polignac were displeased. I completed this work as I did the + former, with an extract and remarks; but I stopped here without + intending to continue the undertaking which I ought never to have begun. + </p> + <p> + The reflection which induced me to give it up naturally presents itself, + and it was astonishing I had not made it sooner. + </p> + <p> + Most of the writings of the Abbe de Saint Pierre were either + observations, or contained observations, on some parts of the government + of France, and several of these were of so free a nature, that it was + happy for him he had made them with impunity. But in the offices of all + the ministers of state the Abbe de St. Pierre had ever been considered + as a kind of preacher rather than a real politician, and he was suffered + to say what he pleased, because it appeared that nobody listened to him. + Had I procured him readers the case would have been different. He was a + Frenchman, and I was not one; and by repeating his censures, although in + his own name, I exposed myself to be asked, rather rudely, but without + injustice, what it was with which I meddled. Happily before I proceeded + any further, I perceived the hold I was about to give the government + against me, and I immediately withdrew. I knew that, living alone in the + midst of men more powerful than myself, I never could by any means + whatever be sheltered from the injury they chose to do me. There was but + one thing which depended upon my own efforts: this was, to observe such + a line of conduct that whenever they chose to make me feel the weight of + authority they could not do it without being unjust. The maxim which + induced me to decline proceeding with the works of the Abbe de Saint + Pierre, has frequently made me give up projects I had much more at + heart. People who are always ready to construe adversity into a crime, + would be much surprised were they to know the pains I have taken, that + during my misfortunes it might never with truth be said of me, Thou hast + deserved them. + </p> + <p> + After having given up the manuscript, I remained some time without + determining upon the work which should succeed it, and this interval of + inactivity was destructive; by permitting me to turn my reflections on + myself, for want of another object to engage my attention. I had no + project for the future which could amuse my imagination. It was not even + possible to form any, as my situation was precisely that in which all my + desires were united. I had not another to conceive, and yet there was a + void in my heart. This state was the more cruel, as I saw no other that + was to be preferred to it. I had fixed my most tender affections upon a + person who made me a return of her own. I lived with her without + constraint, and, so to speak, at discretion. Notwithstanding this, a + secret grief of mind never quitted me for a moment, either when she was + present or absent. In possessing Theresa, I still perceived she wanted + something to her happiness; and the sole idea of my not being everything + to her had such an effect upon my mind that she was next to nothing to + me. + </p> + <p> + I had friends of both sexes, to whom I was attached by the purest + friendship and most perfect esteem; I depended upon a real return on + their part, and a doubt of their sincerity never entered my mind; yet + this friendship was more tormenting than agreeable to me, by their + obstinate perseverance and even by their affectation, in opposing my + taste, inclinations and manner of living; and this to such a degree, + that the moment I seemed to desire a thing which interested myself only, + and depended not upon them, they immediately joined their efforts to + oblige me to renounce it. This continued desire to control me in all my + wishes, the more unjust, as I did not so much as make myself acquainted + with theirs, became so cruelly oppressive, that I never received one of + their letters without feeling a certain terror as I opened it, and which + was but too well justified by the contents. I thought being treated like + a child by persons younger than myself, and who, of themselves, stood in + great need of the advice they so prodigally bestowed on me, was too + much: "Love me," said I to them, "as I love you, but, in every other + respect, let my affairs be as indifferent to you, as yours are to me: + this is all I ask." If they granted me one of these two requests, it was + not the latter. + </p> + <p> + I had a retired residence in a charming solitude, was master of my own + house, and could live in it in the manner I thought proper, without + being controlled by any person. This habitation imposed on me duties + agreeable to discharge, but which were indispensable. My liberty was + precarious. In a greater state of subjection than a person at the + command of another, it was my duty to be so by inclination. When I arose + in the morning, I never could say to myself, I will employ this day as I + think proper. And, moreover, besides my being subject to obey the call + of Madam d'Epinay, I was exposed to the still more disagreeable + importunities of the public and chance comers. The distance I was at + from Paris did not prevent crowds of idlers, not knowing how to spend + their time, from daily breaking in upon me, and, without the least + scruple, freely disposing of mine. When I least expected visitors I was + unmercifully assailed by them, and I seldom made a plan for the + agreeable employment of the day that was not counteracted by the arrival + of some stranger. + </p> + <p> + In short, finding no real enjoyment in the midst of the pleasures I had + been most desirous to obtain, I, by sudden mental transitions, returned + in imagination to the serene days of my youth, and sometimes exclaimed + with a sigh: "Ah! this is not Les Charmettes!" + </p> + <p> + The recollection of the different periods of my life led me to reflect + upon that at which I was arrived, and I found I was already on the + decline, a prey to painful disorders, and imagined I was approaching the + end of my days without having, tasted, in all its plentitude, scarcely + anyone of the pleasures after which my heart had so much thirsted, or + having given scope to the lively sentiments I felt it had in reserve. I + had not favored even that intoxicating voluptuousness with which my mind + was richly stored, and which, for want of an object, was always + compressed, an never exhaled but by signs. + </p> + <p> + How was it possible that, with a mind naturally expansive, I, with whom + to live was to love, should not hitherto have found a friend entirely + devoted to me; a real friend: I who felt myself so capable of being such + a friend to another? How can it be accounted for that with such warm + affections, such combustible senses, and a heart wholly made up of love, + I had not once, at least, felt its flame for a determinate object? + Tormented by the want of loving, without ever having been able to + satisfy it, I perceived myself approaching the eve of old age, and + hastening on to death without having lived. + </p> + <p> + These melancholy but affecting recollections led me to others, which, + although accompanied with regret, were not wholly unsatisfactory. I + thought something I had not yet received was still due to me from + destiny. + </p> + <p> + To what end was I born with exquisite faculties? To suffer them to + remain unemployed? the sentiment of conscious merit, which made me + consider myself as suffering injustice, was some kind of reparation, and + caused me to shed tears which with pleasure I suffered to flow. + </p> + <p> + These were my mediations during the finest season of the year, in the + month of June, in cool shades, to the songs of the nightingale, and the + warbling of brooks. Everything concurred in plunging me into that too + seducing state of indolence for which I was born, and from which my + austere manner, proceeding from a long effervescence, should forever + have delivered me. I unfortunately remembered the dinner of the Chateau + de Toune, and my meeting with the two charming girls in the same season, + in places much resembling that in which I then was. The remembrance of + these circumstances, which the innocence that accompanied them rendered + to me still more dear, brought several others of the nature to my + recollection. I presently saw myself surrounded by all the objects + which, in my youth, had given me emotion. Mademoiselle Galley, + Mademoiselle de Graffenried, Mademoiselle de Breil, Madam Basile, Madam + de Larnage, my pretty scholars, and even the bewitching Zulietta, whom + my heart could not forget. I found myself in the midst of a seraglio of + houris of my old acquaintance, for whom the most lively inclination was + not new to me. My blood became inflamed, my head turned, notwithstanding + my hair was almost gray, and the grave citizen of Geneva, the austere + Jean Jacques, at forty-five years of age, again became the fond + shepherd. The intoxication, with which my mind was seized, although + sudden and extravagant, was so strong and lasting, that, to enable me to + recover from it, nothing less than the unforeseen and terrible crisis it + brought on was necessary. + </p> + <p> + This intoxication, to whatever degree it was carried, went not so far as + to make me forget my age and situation, to flatter me that I could still + inspire love, nor to make me attempt to communicate the devouring flame + by which ever since my youth I had felt my heart in vain consumed. For + this I did not hope; I did not even desire it. I knew the season of love + was past; I knew too well in what contempt the ridiculous pretensions of + superannuated gallants were held, ever to add one to the number, and I + was not a man to become an impudent coxcomb in the decline of life, + after having been so little such during the flower of my age. Besides, + as a friend to peace, I should have been apprehensive of domestic + dissensions; and I too sincerely loved Theresa to expose her to the + mortification of seeing me entertain for others more lively sentiments + than those with which she inspired me for herself. + </p> + <p> + What step did I take upon this occasion? My reader will already have + guessed it, if he has taken the trouble to pay the least attention to my + narrative. The impossibility of attaining real beings threw me into the + regions of chimera, and seeing nothing in existence worthy of my + delirium, I sought food for it in the ideal world, which my imagination + quickly peopled with beings after my own heart. This resource never came + more apropos, nor was it ever so fertile. In my continual ecstasy I + intoxicated my mind with the most delicious sentiments that ever entered + the heart of man. Entirely forgetting the human species, I formed to + myself societies of perfect beings, whose virtues were as celestial as + their beauty, tender and faithful friends, such as I never found here + below. I became so fond of soaring in the empyrean, in the midst of the + charming objects with which I was surrounded, that I thus passed hours + and days without perceiving it; and, losing the remembrance of all other + things, I scarcely had eaten a morsel in haste before I was impatient to + make my escape and run to regain my groves. When ready to depart for the + enchanted world, I saw arrive wretched mortals who came to detain me + upon earth, I could neither conceal nor moderate my vexation; and no + longer master of myself, I gave them so uncivil a reception, that it + might justly be termed brutal. This tended to confirm my reputation as a + misanthrope, from the very cause which, could the world have read my + heart, should have acquired me one of a nature directly opposite. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of my exultation I was pulled down like a paper kite, and + restored to my proper place by means of a smart attack of my disorder. I + recurred to the only means that had before given me relief, and thus + made a truce with my angelic amours; for besides that it seldom happens + that a man is amorous when he suffers, my imagination, which is animated + in the country and beneath the shade of trees, languishes and becomes + extinguished in a chamber, and under the joists of a ceiling. I + frequently regretted that there existed no dryads; it would certainly + have been amongst these that I should have fixed my attachment. + </p> + <p> + Other domestic broils came at the same time to increase my chagrin. + Madam le Vasseur, while making me the finest compliments in the world, + alienated from me her daughter as much as she possibly could. I received + letters from my late neighborhood, informing me that the good old lady + had secretly contracted several debts in the name of Theresa, to whom + these became known, but of which she had never mentioned to me a word. + The debts to be paid hurt me much less than the secret that had been + made of them. How could she, for whom I had never had a secret, have one + from me? Is it possible to dissimulate with persons whom we love? The + 'Coterie Holbachique', who found I never made a journey to Paris, began + seriously to be afraid I was happy and satisfied in the country, and + madman enough to reside there. + </p> + <p> + Hence the cabals by which attempts were made to recall me indirectly to + the city. Diderot, who did not immediately wish to show himself, began + by detaching from me De Leyre, whom I had brought acquainted with him, + and who received and transmitted to me the impressions Diderot chose to + give without suspecting to what end they were directed. + </p> + <p> + Everything seemed to concur in withdrawing me from my charming and mad + reverie. I was not recovered from the late attack I had when I received + the copy of the poem on the destruction of Lisbon, which I imagined to + be sent by the author. This made it necessary I should write to him and + speak of his composition. I did so, and my letter was a long time + afterwards printed without my consent, as I shall hereafter have + occasion to remark. + </p> + <p> + Struck by seeing this poor man overwhelmed, if I may so speak, with + prosperity and honor, bitterly exclaiming against the miseries of this + life, and finding everything to be wrong, I formed the mad project of + making him turn his attention to himself, and of proving to him that + everything was right. Voltaire, while he appeared to believe in God, + never really believed in anything but the devil; since his pretended + deity is a malicious being, who, according to him, had no pleasure but + in evil. The glaring absurdity of this doctrine is particularly + disgusting from a man enjoying the greatest prosperity; who, from the + bosom of happiness, endeavors, by the frightful and cruel image of all + the calamities from which he is exempt, to reduce his fellow creatures + to despair. I, who had a better right than he to calculate and weigh all + the evils of human life, impartially examine them, and proved to him + that of all possible evils there was not one to be attributed to + Providence, and which had not its source rather in the abusive use man + made of his faculties than in nature. I treated him, in this letter, + with the greatest respect and delicacy possible. Yet, knowing his + self-love to be extremely irritable, I did not send the letter + immediately to himself, but to Doctor Tronchin, his physician and + friend, with full power either to give it him or destroy it. Voltaire + informed me in a few lines that being ill, having likewise the care of a + sick person, he postponed his answer until some future day, and said not + a word on the subject. Tronchin, when he sent me the letter, inclosed in + it another, in which he expressed but very little esteem for the person + from whom he received it. + </p> + <p> + I have never published, nor even shown, either of these two letters, not + liking to make a parade of such little triumphs; but the originals are + in my collections. Since that time Voltaire has published the answer he + promised me, but which I never received. This is the novel of 'Candide', + of which I cannot speak because I have not read it. + </p> + <p> + All these interruptions ought to have cured me of my fantastic amours, + and they were perhaps the means offered me by Heaven to prevent their + destructive consequences; but my evil genius prevailed, and I had + scarcely begun to go out before my heart, my head, and my feet returned + to the same paths. I say the same in certain respects; for my ideas, + rather less exalted, remained this time upon earth, but yet were busied + in making so exquisite a choice of all that was to be found there + amiable of every kind, that it was not much less chimerical than the + imaginary world I had abandoned. + </p> + <p> + I figured to myself love and friendship, the two idols of my heart, + under the most ravishing images. I amused myself in adorning them with + all the charms of the sex I had always adored. I imagined two female + friends rather than two of my own sex, because, although the example be + more rare, it is also more amiable. I endowed them with different + characters, but analogous to their connection, with two faces, not + perfectly beautiful, but according to my taste, and animated with + benevolence and sensibility. I made one brown and the other fair, one + lively and the other languishing, one wise and the other weak, but of so + amiable a weakness that it seemed to add a charm to virtue. I gave to + one of the two a lover, of whom the other was the tender friend, and + even something more, but I did not admit either rivalry, quarrels, or + jealousy: because every painful sentiment is painful for me to imagine, + and I was unwilling to tarnish this delightful picture by anything which + was degrading to nature. Smitten with my two charming models, I drew my + own portrait in the lover and the friend, as much as it was possible to + do it; but I made him young and amiable, giving him, at the same time, + the virtues and the defects which I felt in myself. + </p> + <p> + That I might place my characters in a residence proper for them, I + successively passed in review the most beautiful places I had seen in my + travels. But I found no grove sufficiently delightful, no landscape that + pleased me. The valleys of Thessaly would have satisfied me had I but + once had a sight of them; but my imagination, fatigued with invention, + wished for some real place which might serve it as a point to rest upon, + and create in me an illusion with respect to the real existence of the + inhabitants I intended to place there. I thought a good while upon the + Boromean Islands, the delightful prospect of which had transported me, + but I found in them too much art and ornament for my lovers. I however + wanted a lake, and I concluded by making choice of that about which my + heart has never ceased to wander. I fixed myself upon that part of the + banks of this lake where my wishes have long since placed my residence + in the imaginary happiness to which fate has confined me. The native + place of my poor mamma had still for me a charm. The contrast of the + situations, the richness and variety of the sites, the magnificence, the + majesty of the whole, which ravishes the senses, affects, the heart, and + elevates the mind, determined me to give it the preference, and I placed + my young pupils at Vervey. This is what I imagined at the first sketch; + the rest was not added until afterwards. + </p> + <p> + I for a long time confined myself to this vague plan, because it was + sufficient to fill my imagination with agreeable objects, and my heart + with sentiments in which it delighted. These fictions, by frequently + presenting themselves, at length gained a consistence, and took in my + mind a determined form. I then had an inclination to express upon paper + some of the situations fancy presented to me, and, recollecting + everything I had felt during my youth, thus, in some measure, gave an + object to that desire of loving, which I had never been able to satisfy, + and by which I felt myself consumed. + </p> + <p> + I first wrote a few incoherent letters, and when I afterwards wished to + give them connection, I frequently found a difficulty in doing it. What + is scarcely credible, although most strictly true, is my having written + the first two parts almost wholly in this manner, without having any + plan formed, and not foreseeing I should one day be tempted to make it a + regular work. For this reason the two parts afterwards formed of + materials not prepared for the place in which they are disposed, are + full of unmeaning expressions not found in the others. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of my reveries I had a visit from Madam d'Houdetot, the + first she had ever made me, but which unfortunately was not the last, as + will hereafter appear. The Comtesse d'Houdetot was the daughter of the + late M. de Bellegarde, a farmer-general, sister to M. d'Epinay, and + Messieurs de Lalive and De la Briche, both of whom have since been + introductors to ambassadors. I have spoken of the acquaintance I made + with her before she was married: since that event I had not seen her, + except at the fetes at La Chevrette, with Madam d'Epinay, her + sister-in-law. Having frequently passed several days with her, both at + La Chevrette and Epinay, I always thought her amiable, and that she + seemed to be my well-wisher. She was fond of walking with me; we were + both good walkers, and the conversation between us was inexhaustible. + However, I never went to see her in Paris, although she had several + times requested and solicited me to do it. Her connections with M. de + St. Lambert, with whom I began to be intimate, rendered her more + interesting to me, and it was to bring me some account of that friend + who was, I believe, then at Mahon, that she came to see me at the + Hermitage. + </p> + <p> + This visit had something of the appearance of the beginning of a + romance. She lost her way. Her coachman, quitting the road, which turned + to the right, attempted to cross straight over from the mill of + Clairvaux to the Hermitage: her carriage stuck in a quagmire in the + bottom of the valley, and she got out and walked the rest of the road. + Her delicate shoes were soon worn through; she sunk into the dirt, her + servants had the greatest difficulty in extricating her, and she at + length arrived at the Hermitage in boots, making the place resound with + her laughter, in which I most heartily joined. She had to change + everything. Theresa provided her with what was necessary, and I + prevailed upon her to forget her dignity and partake of a rustic + collation, with which she seemed highly satisfied. It was late, and her + stay was short; but the interview was so mirthful that it pleased her, + and she seemed disposed to return. She did not however put this project + into execution until the next year: but, alas! the delay was not + favorable to me in anything. + </p> + <p> + I passed the autumn in an employment no person would suspect me of + undertaking: this was guarding the fruit of M. d'Epinay. The Hermitage + was the reservoir of the waters of the park of the Chevrette; there was + a garden walled round and planted with espaliers and other trees, which + produced M. d'Epinay more fruit than his kitchen-garden at the + Chevrette, although three-fourths of it were stolen from him. That I + might not be a guest entirely useless, I took upon myself the direction + of the garden and the inspection of the conduct of the gardener. + Everything went on well until the fruit season, but as this became ripe, + I observed that it disappeared without knowing in what manner it was + disposed of. The gardener assured me it was the dormice which eat it + all. I destroyed a great number of these animals, notwithstanding which + the fruit still diminished. I watched the gardener's motions so + narrowly, that I found he was the great dormouse. He lodged at + Montmorency, whence he came in the night with his wife and children to + take away the fruit he had concealed in the daytime, and which he sold + in the market at Paris as publicly as if he had brought it from a garden + of his own. The wretch whom I loaded with kindness, whose children were + clothed by Theresa, and whose father, who was a beggar, I almost + supported, robbed us with as much ease as effrontery, not one of the + three being sufficiently vigilant to prevent him: and one night he + emptied my cellar. + </p> + <p> + Whilst he seemed to address himself to me only, I suffered everything, + but being desirous of giving an account of the fruit, I was obliged to + declare by whom a great part of it had been stolen. Madam d'Epinay + desired me to pay and discharge him, and look out for another; I did so. + As this rascal rambled about the Hermitage in the night, armed with a + thick club staff with an iron ferrule, and accompanied by other villains + like himself, to relieve the governesses from their fears, I made his + successor sleep in the house with us; and this not being sufficient to + remove their apprehensions, I sent to ask M. d'Epinay for a musket, + which I kept in the chamber of the gardener, with a charge not to make + use of it except an attempt was made to break open the door or scale the + walls of the garden, and to fire nothing but powder, meaning only to + frighten the thieves. This was certainly the least precaution a man + indisposed could take for the common safety of himself and family, + having to pass the winter in the midst of a wood, with two timid women. + I also procured a little dog to serve as a sentinel. De Leyre coming to + see me about this time, I related to him my situation, and we laughed + together at my military apparatus. At his return to Paris he wished to + amuse Diderot with the story, and by this means the 'Coterie + d'Holbachique' learned that I was seriously resolved to pass the winter + at the Hermitage. This perseverance, of which they had not imagined me + to be capable, disconcerted them, and, until they could think of some + other means of making my residence disagreeable to me, they sent back, + by means of Diderot, the same De Leyre, who, though at first he had + thought my precautions quite natural, now pretended to discover that + they were inconsistent with my principles, and styled them more than + ridiculous in his letters, in which he overwhelmed me with pleasantries + sufficiently bitter and satirical to offend me had I been the least + disposed to take offence. But at that time being full of tender and + affectionate sentiments, and not susceptible of any other, I perceived + in his biting sarcasms nothing more than a jest, and believed him only + jocose when others would have thought him mad. + </p> + <p> + By my care and vigilance I guarded the garden so well, that, although + there had been but little fruit that year the produce was triple that of + the preceding years; it is true, I spared no pains to preserve it, and I + went so far as to escort what I sent to the Chevrette and to Epinay, and + to carry baskets of it myself. The aunt and I carried one of these, + which was so heavy that we were obliged to rest at every dozen steps, + and which we arrived with it we were quite wet with perspiration. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the bad season began to confine me to the house, I wished to + return to my indolent amusements, but this I found impossible. I had + everywhere two charming female friends before my eyes, their friend, + everything by which they were surrounded, the country they inhabited, + and the objects created or embellished for them by my imagination. I was + no longer myself for a moment, my delirium never left me. After many + useless efforts to banish all fictions from my mind, they at length + seduced me, and my future endeavors were confined to giving them order + and coherence, for the purpose of converting them into a species of + novel. + </p> + <p> + What embarrassed me most was, that I had contradicted myself so openly + and fully. After the severe principles I had just so publicly asserted, + after the austere maxims I had so loudly preached, and my violent + invectives against books, which breathed nothing but effeminacy and + love, could anything be less expected or more extraordinary, than to see + me, with my own hand, write my name in the list of authors of those + books I had so severely censured? I felt this incoherence in all its + extent. I reproached myself with it, I blushed at it and was vexed; but + all this could not bring me back to reason. Completely overcome, I was + at all risks obliged to submit, and to resolve to brave the What will + the world say of it? Except only deliberating afterwards whether or not + I should show my work, for I did not yet suppose I should ever determine + to publish it. + </p> + <p> + This resolution taken, I entirely abandoned myself to my reveries, and, + by frequently resolving these in my mind, formed with them the kind of + plan of which the execution has been seen. This was certainly the + greatest advantage that could be drawn from my follies; the love of good + which has never once been effaced from my heart, turned them towards + useful objects, the moral of which might have produced its good effects. + My voluptuous descriptions would have lost all their graces, had they + been devoid of the coloring of innocence. + </p> + <p> + A weak girl is an object of pity, whom love may render interesting, and + who frequently is not therefore the less amiable; but who can see + without indignation the manners of the age; and what is more disgusting + than the pride of an unchaste wife, who, openly treading under foot + every duty, pretends that her husband ought to be grateful for her + unwillingness to suffer herself to be taken in the fact? Perfect beings + are not in nature, and their examples are not near enough to us. But + whoever says that the description of a young person born with good + dispositions, and a heart equally tender and virtuous, who suffers + herself, when a girl, to be overcome by love, and when a woman, has + resolution enough to conquer in her turn, is upon the whole scandalous + and useless, is a liar and a hypocrite; hearken not to him. + </p> + <p> + Besides this object of morality and conjugal chastity which is radically + connected with all social order, I had in view one more secret in behalf + of concord and public peace, a greater, and perhaps more important + object in itself, at least for the moment for which it was created. The + storm brought on by the 'Encyclopedie', far from being appeased, was at + the time at its height. Two parties exasperated against each other to + the last degree of fury soon resembled enraged wolves, set on for their + mutual destruction, rather than Christians and philosophers, who had a + reciprocal wish to enlighten and convince each other, and lead their + brethren to the way of truth. Perhaps nothing more was wanting to each + party than a few turbulent chiefs, who possessed a little power, to make + this quarrel terminate in a civil war; and God only knows what a civil + war of religion founded on each side upon the most cruel intolerance + would have produced. Naturally an enemy to all spirit of party, I had + freely spoken severe truths to each, of which they had not listened. I + thought of another expedient, which, in my simplicity, appeared to me + admirable: this was to abate their reciprocal hatred by destroying their + prejudices, and showing to each party the virtue and merit which in the + other was worthy of public esteem and respect. This project, little + remarkable for its wisdom, which supported sincerity in mankind, and + whereby I fell into the error with which I reproached the Abbe de Saint + Pierre, had the success that was to be expected from it: It drew + together and united the parties for no other purpose than that of + crushing the author. Until experience made me discover my folly, I gave + my attention to it with a zeal worthy of the motive by which I was + inspired; and I imagined the two characters of Wolmar and Julia in an + ecstasy, which made me hope to render them both amiable, and, what is + still more, by means of each other. + </p> + <p> + Satisfied with having made a rough sketch of my plan, I returned to the + situations in detail, which I had marked out; and from the arrangement I + gave them resulted the first two parts of the Eloisa, which I finished + during the winter with inexpressible pleasure, procuring gilt-paper to + receive a fair copy of them, azure and silver powder to dry the writing, + and blue narrow ribbon to tack my sheets together; in a word, I thought + nothing sufficiently elegant and delicate for my two charming girls, of + whom, like another Pygmalion, I became madly enamoured. Every evening, + by the fireside, I read the two parts to the governesses. The daughter, + without saying a word, was like myself moved to tenderness, and we + mingled our sighs; her mother, finding there were no compliments, + understood nothing of the matter, remained unmoved, and at the intervals + when I was silent always repeated: "Sir, that is very fine." + </p> + <p> + Madam d'Epinay, uneasy at my being alone, in winter, in a solitary + house, in the midst of woods, often sent to inquire after my health. I + never had such real proofs of her friendship for me, to which mine never + more fully answered. It would be wrong in me were not I, among these + proofs, to make special mention of her portrait, which she sent me, at + the same time requesting instructions from me in what manner she might + have mine, painted by La Tour, and which had been shown at the + exhibition. I ought equally to speak of another proof of her attention + to me, which, although it be laughable, is a feature in the history of + my character, on account of the impression received from it. One day + when it froze to an extreme degree, in opening a packet she had sent me + of several things I had desired her to purchase for me, I found a little + under-petticoat of English flannel, which she told me she had worn, and + desired I would make of it an under-waistcoat. + </p> + <p> + This care, more than friendly, appeared to me so tender, and as if she + had stripped herself to clothe me, that in my emotion I repeatedly + kissed, shedding tears at the same time, both the note and the + petticoat. Theresa thought me mad. It is singular that of all the marks + of friendship Madam d'Epinay ever showed me this touched me the most, + and that ever since our rupture I have never recollected it without + being very sensibly affected. I for a long time preserved her little + note, and it would still have been in my possession had not it shared + the fate of my other notes received at the same period. + </p> + <p> + Although my disorder then gave me but little respite in winter, and a + part of the interval was employed in seeking relief from pain, this was + still upon the whole the season which since my residence in France I had + passed with most pleasure and tranquillity. During four or five months, + whilst the bad weather sheltered me from the interruptions of + importunate visits, I tasted to a greater degree than I had ever yet or + have since done, of that equal simple and independent life, the + enjoyment of which still made it more desirable to me; without any other + company than the two governesses in reality, and the two female cousins + in idea. It was then especially that I daily congratulated myself upon + the resolution I had had the good sense to take, unmindful of the + clamors of my friends, who were vexed at seeing me delivered from their + tyranny; and when I heard of the attempt of a madman, when De Leyre and + Madam d'Epinay spoke to me in letters of the trouble and agitation which + reigned in Paris, how thankful was I to Heaven for having placed me at a + distance from all such spectacles of horror and guilt. These would have + been continued and increased the bilious humor which the sight of public + disorders had given me; whilst seeing nothing around me in my retirement + but gay and pleasing objects, my heart was wholly abandoned to + sentiments which were amiable. + </p> + <p> + I remark here with pleasure the course of the last peaceful moments that + were left me. The spring succeeding to this winter, which had been so + calm, developed the germ of the misfortunes I have yet to describe; in + the tissue of which, alike interval, wherein I had leisure to respite, + will not be found. + </p> + <p> + I think however, I recollect, that during this interval of peace, and in + the bosom of my solitude, I was not quite undisturbed by the + Holbachiens. Diderot stirred me up some strife, and I am much deceived + if it was not in the course of this winter that the 'Fils Naturel'—[Natural + Son]—of which I shall soon have occasion to speak, made its + appearance. Independently of the causes which left me but few papers + relative to that period, those even which I have been able to preserve + are not very exact with respect to dates. Diderot never dated his + letters—Madam d'Epinay and Madam d' Houdetot seldom dated theirs + except the day of the week, and De Leyre mostly confined himself to the + same rules. When I was desirous of putting these letters in order I was + obliged to supply what was wanting by guessing at dates, so uncertain + that I cannot depend upon them. Unable therefore to fix with certainty + the beginning of these quarrels, I prefer relating in one subsequent + article everything I can recollect concerning them. + </p> + <p> + The return of spring had increased my amorous delirium, and in my + melancholy, occasioned by the excess of my transports, I had composed + for the last parts of Eloisa several letters, wherein evident marks of + the rapture in which I wrote them are found. Amongst others I may quote + those from the Elysium, and the excursion upon the lake, which, if my + memory does not deceive me, are at the end of the fourth part. Whoever, + in reading these letters, does not feel his heart soften and melt into + the tenderness by which they were dictated, ought to lay down the book: + nature has refused him the means of judging of sentiment. + </p> + <p> + Precisely at the same time I received a second unforeseen visit from + Madam d'Houdetot, in the absence of her husband, who was captain of the + Gendarmarie, and of her lover, who was also in the service. She had come + to Eaubonne, in the middle of the Valley of Montmorency, where she had + taken a pretty house, from thence she made a new excursion to the + Hermitage. She came on horseback, and dressed in men's clothes. Although + I am not very fond of this kind of masquerade, I was struck with the + romantic appearance she made, and, for once, it was with love. As this + was the first and only time in all my life, the consequence of which + will forever render it terrible to my remembrance, I must take the + permission to enter into some particulars on the subject. + </p> + <p> + The Countess d'Houdetot was nearly thirty years of age, and not + handsome; her face was marked with the smallpox, her complexion coarse, + she was short-sighted, and her eyes were rather round; but she had fine + long black hair, which hung down in natural curls below her waist; her + figure was agreeable, and she was at once both awkward and graceful in + her motions; her wit was natural and pleasing; to this gayety, + heedlessness and ingenuousness were perfectly suited: she abounded in + charming sallies, after which she so little sought, that they sometimes + escaped her lips in spite of herself. She possessed several agreeable + talents, played the harpsichord, danced well, and wrote pleasing poetry. + Her character was angelic—this was founded upon a sweetness of + mind, and except prudence and fortitude, contained in it every virtue. + She was besides so much to be depended upon in all intercourse, so + faithful in society, even her enemies were not under the necessity of + concealing from her their secrets. I mean by her enemies the men, or + rather the women, by whom she was not beloved; for as to herself she had + not a heart capable of hatred, and I am of opinion this conformity with + mine greatly contributed towards inspiring me with a passion for her. In + confidence of the most intimate friendship, I never heard her speak ill + of persons who were absent, nor even of her sister-in-law. She could + neither conceal her thoughts from anyone, nor disguise any of her + sentiments, and I am persuaded she spoke of her lover to her husband, as + she spoke of him to her friends and acquaintances, and to everybody + without distinction of persons. What proved, beyond all manner of doubt, + the purity and sincerity of her nature was, that subject to very + extraordinary absences of mind, and the most laughable + inconsiderateness, she was often guilty of some very imprudent ones with + respect to herself, but never in the least offensive to any person + whatsoever. + </p> + <p> + She had been married very young and against her inclinations to the + Comte d'Houdetot, a man of fashion, and a good officer; but a man who + loved play and chicane, who was not very amiable, and whom she never + loved. She found in M. de Saint Lambert all the merit of her husband, + with more ageeeable qualities of mind, joined with virtue and talents. + If anything in the manners of the age can be pardoned, it is an + attachment which duration renders more pure, to which its effects do + honor, and which becomes cemented by reciprocal esteem. It was a little + from inclination, as I am disposed to think, but much more to please + Saint Lambert, that she came to see me. He had requested her to do it, + and there was reason to believe the friendship which began to be + established between us would render this society agreeable to all three. + She knew I was acquainted with their connection, and as she could speak + to me without restraint, it was natural she should find my conversation + agreeable. She came; I saw her; I was intoxicated with love without an + object; this intoxication fascinated my eyes; the object fixed itself + upon her. I saw my Julia in Madam d'Houdetot, and I soon saw nothing but + Madam d'Houdetot, but with all the perfections with which I had just + adorned the idol of my heart. To complete my delirium she spoke to me of + Saint Lambert with a fondness of a passionate lover. Contagious force of + love! while listening to her, and finding myself near her, I was seized + with a delicious trembling, which I had never before experienced when + near to any person whatsoever. She spoke, and I felt myself affected; I + thought I was nothing more than interested in her sentiments, when I + perceived I possessed those which were similar; I drank freely of the + poisoned cup, of which I yet tasted nothing more than the sweetness. + Finally, imperceptibly to us both, she inspired me for herself with all + she expressed for her lover. Alas! it was very late in life, and cruel + was it to consume with a passion not less violent than unfortunate for a + woman whose heart was already in the possession of another. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding the extraordinary emotions I had felt when near to her, + I did not at first perceive what had happened to me; it was not until + after her departure that, wishing to think of Julia, I was struck with + surprise at being unable to think of anything but Madam d' Houdetot. + Then was it my eyes were opened: I felt my misfortune, and lamented what + had happened, but I did not foresee the consequences. + </p> + <p> + I hesitated a long time on the manner in which I should conduct myself + towards her, as if real love left behind it sufficient reason to + deliberate and act accordingly. I had not yet determined upon this when + she unexpectedly returned and found me unprovided. It was this time, + perfectly acquainted with my situation, shame, the companion of evil, + rendered me dumb, and made me tremble in her presence; I neither dared + to open my mouth or raise my eyes; I was in an inexpressible confusion + which it was impossible she should not perceive. I resolved to confess + to her my troubled state of mind, and left her to guess the cause whence + it proceeded: this was telling her in terms sufficiently clear. + </p> + <p> + Had I been young and amiable, and Madam d' Houdetot, afterwards weak, I + should here blame her conduct; but this was not the case, and I am + obliged to applaud and admire it. The resolution she took was equally + prudent and generous. She could not suddenly break with me without + giving her reasons for it to Saint Lambert, who himself had desired her + to come and see me; this would have exposed two friends to a rupture, + and perhaps a public one, which she wished to avoid. She had for me + esteem and good wishes; she pitied my folly without encouraging it, and + endeavored to restore me to reason. She was glad to preserve to her + lover and herself a friend for whom she had some respect; and she spoke + of nothing with more pleasure than the intimate and agreeable society we + might form between us three the moment I should become reasonable. She + did not always confine herself to these friendly exhortations, and, in + case of need, did not spare me more severe reproaches, which I had + richly deserved. + </p> + <p> + I spared myself still less: the moment I was alone I began to recover; I + was more calm after my declaration—love, known to the person by + whom it is inspired, becomes more supportable. + </p> + <p> + The forcible manner in which I approached myself with mine, ought to + have cured me of it had the thing been possible. What powerful motives + did I not call to my mind to stifle it? My morals, sentiments and + principles; the shame, the treachery and crime, of abusing what was + confided to friendship, and the ridiculousness of burning, at my age, + with the most extravagant passion for an object whose heart was + preengaged, and who could neither make me a return, nor least hope; + moreover with a passion which, far from having anything to gain by + constancy, daily became less sufferable. + </p> + <p> + We would imagine that the last consideration which ought to have added + weight to all the others, was that whereby I eluded them! What scruple, + thought I, ought I to make of a folly prejudicial to nobody but myself? + Am I then a young man of whom Madam d'Houdetot ought to be afraid? Would + not it be said by my presumptive remorse that, by my gallantry, manner + and dress, I was going to seduce her? Poor Jean Jacques, love on at thy + ease, in all safety of conscience, and be not afraid that thy sighs will + be prejudicial to Saint Lambert. + </p> + <p> + It has been seen that I never was a coxcomb, not even in my youth. The + manner of thinking, of which I have spoken, was according to my turn of + mind, it flattered my passions; this, was sufficient to induce me to + abandon myself to it without reserve, and to laugh even at the + impertinent scruple I thought I had made from vanity, rather than from + reason. This is a great lesson for virtuous minds, which vice never + attacks openly; it finds means to surprise them by masking itself with + sophisms, and not unfrequently with a virtue. + </p> + <p> + Guilty without remorse, I soon became so without measure; and I entreat + it may be observed in what manner my passion followed my nature, at + length to plunge me into an abyss. In the first place, it assumed the + air of humility to encourage me; and to render me intrepid it carried + this humility even to mistrust. Madam d'Houdetot incessantly putting in + mind of my duty, without once for a single moment flattering my folly, + treated me with the greatest mildness, and remained with me upon the + footing of the most tender friendship. This friendship would, I protest, + have satisfied my wishes, had I thought it sincere; but finding it too + strong to be real, I took it into my head that love, so ill-suited to my + age and appearance, had rendered me contemptible in the eyes of Madam + d'Houdetot; that this young mad creature only wished to divert herself + with me and my superannuated passion; that she had communicated this to + Saint Lambert; and that the indignation caused by my breach of + friendship, having made her lover enter into her views, they were agreed + to turn my head and then to laugh at me. This folly, which at twenty-six + years of age, had made me guilty of some extravagant behavior to Madam + de Larnage, whom I did not know, would have been pardonable in me at + forty-five with Madam d' Houdetot had not I known that she and her lover + were persons of too much uprightness to indulge themselves in such a + barbarous amusement. + </p> + <p> + Madam d' Houdetot continued her visits, which I delayed not to return. + She, as well as myself, was fond of walking, and we took long walks in + an enchanting country. Satisfied with loving and daring to say I loved, + I should have been in the most agreeable situation had not my + extravagance spoiled all the charm of it. She, at first, could not + comprehend the foolish pettishness with which I received her attentions; + but my heart, incapable of concealing what passed in it, did not long + leave her ignorant of my suspicions; she endeavored to laugh at them, + but this expedient did not succeed; transports of rage would have been + the consequence, and she changed her tone. Her compassionate gentleness + was invincible; she made me reproaches, which penetrated my heart; she + expressed an inquietude at my unjust fears, of which I took advantage. I + required proofs of her being in earnest. She perceived there was no + other means of relieving me from my apprehensions. I became pressing: + the step was delicate. It is astonishing, and perhaps without example, + that a woman having suffered herself to be brought to hesitate should + have got herself off so well. She refused me nothing the most tender + friendship could grant; yet she granted me nothing that rendered her + unfaithful, and I had the mortification to see that the disorder into + which the most trifling favors had thrown all my senses had not the + least effect upon hers. + </p> + <p> + I have somewhere said, that nothing should be granted to the senses, + when we wished to refuse them anything. To prove how false this maxim + was relative to Madam d' Houdetot, and how far she was right to depend + upon her own strength of mind, it would be necessary to enter into the + detail of our long and frequent conversations, and follow them, in all + their liveliness during the four months we passed together in an + intimacy almost without example between two friends of different sexes + who contain themselves within the bounds which we never exceeded. Ah! if + I had lived so long without feeling the power of real love, my heart and + senses abundantly paid the arrears. What, therefore, are the transports + we feel with the object of our affections by whom we are beloved, since + the passions of which my idol did not partake inspired such as I felt? + </p> + <p> + But I am wrong in saying Madam Houdetot did not partake of the passion + of love; that which I felt was in some measure confined to myself; yet + love was equal on both sides, but not reciprocal. We were both + intoxicated with the passion, she for her lover, and I for herself; our + sighs and delicious tears were mingled together. Tender confidants of + the secrets of each other, there was so great a similarity in our + sentiments that it was impossible they should not find some common point + of union. In the midst of this delicious intoxication, she never forgot + herself for a moment, and I solemnly protest that, if ever, led away by + my senses, I have attempted to render her unfaithful, I was never really + desirous of succeeding. The vehemence itself of my passion restrained it + within bounds. The duty of self-denial had elevated my mind. The lustre + of every virture adorned in my eyes the idol of my heart; to have soiled + their divine image would have been to destroy it. I might have committed + the crime; it has been a hundred times committed in my heart; but to + dishonor my Sophia! Ah! was this ever possible? No! I have told her a + hundred times it was not. Had I had it in my power to satisfy my + desires, had she consented to commit herself to my discretion, I should, + except in a few moments of delirium, have refused to be happy at the + price of her honor. I loved her too well to wish to possess her. + </p> + <p> + The distance from the Hermitage to Raubonne is almost a league; in my + frequent excursions to it I have sometimes slept there. One evening + after having supped tete-a-tete we went to walk in the garden by a fine + moonlight. At the bottom of the garden a considerable copse, through + which we passed on our way to a pretty grove ornamented with a cascade, + of which I had given her the idea, and she had procured it to be + executed accordingly. + </p> + <p> + Eternal remembrance of innocence and enjoyment! It was in this grove + that, seated by her side upon a seat of turf under an acacia in full + bloom, I found for the emotions of my heart a language worthy of them. + It was the first and only time of my life; but I was sublime: if + everything amiable and seducing with which the most tender and ardent + love can inspire the heart of man can be so called. What intoxicating + tears did I shed upon her knees! how many did I make her to shed + involuntarily! At length in an involuntary transport she exclaimed: "No, + never was a man so amiable, nor ever was there one who loved like you! + But your friend Saint Lambert hears us, and my heart is incapable of + loving twice." I exhausted myself with sighs; I embraced her—what + an embrace! But this was all. She had lived alone for the last six + months, that is absent from her husband and lover; I had seen her almost + every day during three months, and love seldom failed to make a third. + We had supped tete-a-tete, we were alone, in the grove by moonlight, and + after two hours of the most lively and tender conversation, she left + this grove at midnight, and the arms of her lover, as morally and + physically pure as she had entered it. Reader, weigh all these + circumstances; I will add nothing more. + </p> + <p> + Do not, however, imagine that in this situation my passions left me as + undisturbed as I was with Theresa and mamma. I have already observed I + was this time inspired not only with love, but with love and all its + energy and fury. I will not describe either the agitations, tremblings, + palpitations, convulsionary emotions, nor faintings of the heart, I + continually experienced; these may be judged of by the effect her image + alone made upon me. I have observed the distance from the Hermitage to + Eaubonne was considerable; I went by the hills of Andilly, which are + delightful; I mused, as I walked, on her whom I was going to see, the + charming reception she would give me, and upon the kiss which awaited me + at my arrival. This single kiss, this pernicious embrace, even before I + received it, inflamed my blood to such a degree as to affect my head, my + eyes were dazzled, my knees trembled, and were unable to support me; I + was obliged to stop and sit down; my whole frame was in inconceivable + disorder, and I was upon the point of fainting. Knowing the danger, I + endeavored at setting out to divert my attention from the object, and + think of something else. I had not proceeded twenty steps before the + same recollection, and all that was the consequence of it, assailed me + in such a manner that it was impossible to avoid them, and in spite of + all my efforts I do not believe I ever made this little excursion alone + with impunity. I arrived at Eaubonne, weak, exhausted, and scarcely able + to support myself. The moment I saw her everything was repaired; all I + felt in her presence was the importunity of an inexhaustible and useless + ardor. Upon the road to Raubonne there was a pleasant terrace called + Mont Olympe, at which we sometimes met. I arrived first, it was proper I + should wait for her; but how dear this waiting cost me! To divert my + attention, I endeavored to write with my pencil billets, which I could + have written with the purest drops of my blood; I never could finish one + which was eligible. When she found a note in the niche upon which we had + agreed, all she learned from the contents was the deplorable state in + which I was when I wrote it. This state and its continuation, during + three months of irritation and self-denial, so exhausted me, that I was + several years before I recovered from it, and at the end of these it + left me an ailment which I shall carry with me, or which will carry me + to the grave. Such was the sole enjoyment of a man of the most + combustible constitution, but who was, at the same time, perhaps, one of + the most timid mortals nature ever produced. Such were the last happy + days I can reckon upon earth; at the end of these began the long train + of evils, in which there will be found but little interruption. + </p> + <p> + It has been seen that, during the whole course of my life, my heart, as + transparent as crystal, has never been capable of concealing for the + space of a moment any sentiment in the least lively which had taken + refuge in it. It will therefore be judged whether or not it was possible + for me long to conceal my affection for Madam d'Houdetot. Our intimacy + struck the eyes of everybody, we did not make of it either a secret or a + mystery. It was not of a nature to require any such precaution, and as + Madam d'Houdetot had for me the most tender friendship with which she + did not reproach herself, and I for her an esteem with the justice of + which nobody was better acquainted than myself; she frank, absent, + heedless; I true, awkward, haughty, impatient and choleric; We exposed + ourselves more in deceitful security than we should have done had we + been culpable. We both went to the Chevrette; we sometimes met there by + appointment. We lived there according to our accustomed manner; walking + together every day talking of our amours, our duties, our friend, and + our innocent projects; all this in the park opposite the apartment of + Madam d'Epinay, under her windows, whence incessantly examining us, and + thinking herself braved, she by her eyes filled her heart with rage and + indignation. + </p> + <p> + Women have the art of concealing their anger, especially when it is + great. Madam d'Epinay, violent but deliberate, possessed this art to an + eminent degree. She feigned not to see or suspect anything, and at the + same time that she doubled towards me her cares, attention, and + allurements, she affected to load her sister-in-law with incivilities + and marks of disdain, which she seemingly wished to communicate to me. + It will easily be imagined she did not succeed; but I was on the rack. + Torn by opposite passions, at the same time that I was sensible of her + caresses, I could scarcely contain my anger when I saw her wanting in + good manners to Madam d'Houdetot. The angelic sweetness of this lady + made her endure everything without complaint, or even without being + offended. + </p> + <p> + She was, in fact, so absent, and always so little attentive to these + things, that half the time she did not perceive them. + </p> + <p> + I was so taken up with my passion, that, seeing nothing but Sophia (one + of the names of Madam d'Houdetot),I did not perceive that I was become + the laughing-stock of the whole house, and all those who came to it. The + Baron d'Holbach, who never, as I heard of, had been at the Chevrette, + was one of the latter. Had I at that time been as mistrustful as I am + since become, I should strongly have suspected Madam d'Epinay to have + contrived this journey to give the baron the amusing spectacle of an + amorous citizen. But I was then so stupid that I saw not that even which + was glaring to everybody. My stupidity did not, however, prevent me from + finding in the baron a more jovial and satisfied appearance than + ordinary. Instead of looking upon me with his usual moroseness, he said + to me a hundred jocose things without my knowing what he meant. Surprise + was painted in my countenance, but I answered not a word: Madam d'Epinay + shook her sides with laughing; I knew not what possessed them. As + nothing yet passed the bounds of pleasantry, the best thing I could had + done, had I been in the secret, would have been to have humored the + joke. It is true I perceived amid the rallying gayety of the baron, that + his eyes sparkled with a malicious joy, which could have given me pain + had I then remarked it to the degree it has since occurred to my + recollection. + </p> + <p> + One day when I went to see Madam d'Houdetot, at Eaubonne, after her + return from one of her journeys to Paris, I found her melancholy, and + observed that she had been weeping. I was obliged to put a restraint on + myself, because Madam de Blainville, sister to her husband, was present; + but the moment I found an opportunity, I expressed to her my uneasiness. + "Ah," said she, with a sigh, "I am much afraid your follies will cost me + the repose of the rest of my days. St. Lambert has been informed of what + has passed, and ill informed of it. He does me justice, but he is vexed; + and what is still worse, he conceals from me a part of his vexation. + Fortunately I have not concealed from him anything relative to our + connection which was formed under his auspices. My letters, like my + heart, were full of yourself; I made him acquainted with everything, + except your extravagant passion, of which I hoped to cure you; and which + he imputes to me as a crime. Somebody has done us ill offices. I have + been injured, but what does this signify? Either let us entirely break + with each other, or do you be what you ought to be. I will not in future + have anything to conceal from my lover." + </p> + <p> + This was the first moment in which I was sensible of the shame of + feeling myself humbled by the sentiment of my fault, in presence of a + young woman of whose just reproaches I approved, and to whom I ought to + have been a mentor. The indignation I felt against myself would, + perhaps, have been sufficient to overcome my weakness, had not the + tender passion inspired me by the victim of it, again softened my heart. + Alas! was this a moment to harden it when it was overflowed by the tears + which penetrated it in every part? This tenderness was soon changed into + rage against the vile informers, who had seen nothing but the evil of a + criminal but involuntary sentiment, without believing or even imagining + the sincere uprightness of heart by which it was counteracted. We did + not remain long in doubt about the hand by which the blow was directed. + </p> + <p> + We both knew that Madam d'Epinay corresponded with St. Lambert. This was + not the first storm she had raised up against Madam d'Houdetot, from + whom she had made a thousand efforts to detach her lover, the success of + some of which made the consequences to be dreaded. Besides, Grimm, who, + I think, had accompanied M. de Castries to the army, was in Westphalia, + as well as Saint Lambert; they sometimes visited. Grimm had made some + attempts on Madam d'Houdetot, which had not succeeded, and being + extremely piqued, suddenly discontinued his visits to her. Let it be + judged with what calmness, modest as he is known to be, he supposed she + preferred to him a man older than himself, and of whom, since he had + frequented the great, he had never spoken but as a person whom he + patronized. + </p> + <p> + My suspicions of Madam d'Epinay were changed into a certainty the moment + I heard what had passed in my own house. When I was at the Chevrette, + Theresa frequently came there, either to bring me letters or to pay me + that attention which my ill state of health rendered necessary. Madam + d'Epinay had asked her if Madam d'Houdetot and I did not write to each + other. Upon her answering in the affirmative, Madam d'Epinay pressed her + to give her the letters of Madam d'Houdetot, assuring her that she would + reseal them in such a manner as it should never be known. Theresa, + without showing how much she was shocked at the proposition, and without + even putting me upon my guard, did nothing more than seal the letters + she brought me more carefully; a lucky precaution, for Madam d'Epinay + had her watched when she arrived, and, waiting for her in the passage, + several times carried her audaciousness as far as to examine her tucker. + She did more even than this: having one day invited herself with M. de + Margency to dinner at the Hermitage, for the first time since I resided + there, she seized the moment I was walking with Margency to go into my + closet with the mother and daughter, and to press them to show her the + letters of Madam d'Houdetot. Had the mother known where the letters + were, they would have been given to her; fortunately, the daughter was + the only person who was in the secret, and denied my having preserved + any one of them. A virtuous, faithful and generous falsehood; whilst + truth would have been a perfidy. Madam d' Epinay, perceiving Theresa was + not to be seduced, endeavored to irritate her by jealousy, reproaching + her with her easy temper and blindness. "How is it possible," said she + to her, "you cannot perceive there is a criminal intercourse between + them? If besides what strikes your eyes you stand in need of other + proofs, lend your assistance to obtain that which may furnish them; you + say he tears the letters from Madam d'Houdetot as soon as he has read + them. Well, carefully gather up the pieces and give them to me; I will + take upon myself to put them together." + </p> + <p> + Such were the lessons my friend gave to the partner of my bed. + </p> + <p> + Theresa had the discretion to conceal from me, for a considerable time, + all these attempts; but perceiving how much I was perplexed, she thought + herself obliged to inform me of everything, to the end that knowing with + whom I had to do, I might take my measures accordingly. My rage and + indignation are not to be described. Instead of dissembling with Madam + d'Epinay, according to her own example, and making use of counterplots, + I abandoned myself without reserve to the natural impetuosity of my + temper; and with my accustomed inconsiderateness came to an open + rupture. My imprudence will be judged of by the following letters, which + sufficiently show the manner of proceeding of both parties on this + occasion: + </p> + <p> + NOTE FROM MADAM D'EPINAY. <br />"Why, my dear friend, do I not see you? + You make me uneasy. You have so often promised me to do nothing but go + and come between this place and the Hermitage! In this I have left you + at liberty; and you have suffered a week to pass without coming. Had not + I been told you were well I should have imagined the contrary. I + expected you either the day before yesterday, or yesterday, but found + myself disappointed. My God, what is the matter with you? You have no + business, nor can you have any uneasiness; for had this been the case, I + flatter myself you would have come and communicated it to me. You are, + therefore, ill! Relieve me, I beseech you, speedily from my fears. + Adieu, my dear friend: let this adieu produce me a good-morning from + you." + </p> + <p> + ANSWER. <br />"I cannot yet say anything to you. I wait to be better + informed, and this I shall be sooner or later. In the meantime be + persuaded that innocence will find a defender sufficiently powerful to + cause some repentance in the slanderers, be they who they may." + </p> + <p> + SECOND NOTE FROM THE SAME. <br />"Do you know that your letter frightens + me? What does it mean? I have read it twenty times. In truth I do not + understand what it means. All I can perceive is, that you are uneasy and + tormented, and that you wait until you are no longer so before you speak + to me upon the subject. Is this, my dear friend, what we agreed upon? + What then is become of that friendship and confidence, and by what means + have I lost them? Is it with me or for me that you are angry? However + this may be, come to me this evening I conjure you; remember you + promised me no longer than a week ago to let nothing remain upon your + mind, but immediately to communicate to me whatever might make it + uneasy. My dear friend, I live in that confidence—There—I + have just read your letter again; I do not understand the contents + better, but they make me tremble. You seem to be cruelly agitated. I + could wish to calm your mind, but as I am ignorant of the cause whence + your uneasiness arises, I know not what to say, except that I am as + wretched as yourself, and shall remain so until we meet. If you are not + here this evening at six o'clock, I set off to morrow for the Hermitage, + let the weather be how it will, and in whatever state of health I may + be; for I can no longer support the inquietude I now feel. Good day, my + dear friend, at all risks I take the liberty to tell you, without + knowing whether or not you are in need of such advice, to endeavor to + stop the progress uneasiness makes in solitude. A fly be comes a + monster. I have frequently experienced it." + </p> + <p> + ANSWER. <br />"I can neither come to see you nor receive your visit so + long as my present inquietude continues. The confidence of which you + speak no longer exists, and it will be easy for you to recover it. I see + nothing more in your present anxiety than the desire of drawing from the + confessions of others some advantage agreeable to your views; and my + heart, so ready to pour its overflowings into another which opens itself + to receive them, is shut against trick and cunning. I distinguish your + ordinary address in the difficulty you find in understanding my note. Do + you think me dupe enough to believe you have not comprehended what it + meant? No: but I shall know how to overcome your subtleties by my + frankness. I will explain myself more clearly, that you may understand + me still less. + </p> + <p> + "Two lovers closely united and worthy of each other's love are dear to + me; I expect you will not know who I mean unless I name them. I presume + attempts have been made to disunite them, and that I have been made use + of to inspire one of the two with jealousy. The choice was not + judicious, but it appeared convenient to the purposes of malice, and of + this malice it is you whom I suspect to be guilty. I hope this becomes + more clear. + </p> + <p> + "Thus the woman whom I most esteem would, with my knowledge, have been + loaded with the infamy of dividing her heart and person between two + lovers, and I with that of being one of these wretches. If I knew that, + for a single moment in your life, you ever had thought this, either of + her or myself, I should hate you until my last hour. But it is with + having said, and not with having thought it, that I charge you. In this + case, I cannot comprehend which of the three you wished to injure; but, + if you love peace of mind, tremble lest you should have succeeded. I + have not concealed either from you or her all the ill I think of certain + connections, but I wish these to end by a means as virtuous as their + cause, and that an illegitimate love may be changed into an eternal + friendship. Should I, who never do ill to any person, be the innocent + means of doing it to my friends? No, I should never forgive you; I + should become your irreconcilable enemy. Your secrets are all I should + respect; for I will never be a man without honor. + </p> + <p> + "I do not apprehend my present perplexity will continue a long time. I + shall soon know whether or not I am deceived; I shall then perhaps have + great injuries to repair, which I will do with as much cheerfulness as + that with which the most agreeable act of my life has been accompanied. + But do you know in what manner I will make amends for my faults during + the short space of time I have to remain near to you? By doing what + nobody but myself would do; by telling you freely what the world thinks + of you, and the breaches you have to repair in your reputation. + Notwithstanding all the pretended friends by whom you are surrounded, + the moment you see me depart you may bid adieu to truth, you will no + longer find any person who will tell it to you." + </p> + <p> + THIRD LETTER FROM THE SAME. + </p> + <p> + "I did not understand your letter of this morning; this I told you + because it was the case. I understand that of this evening; do not + imagine I shall ever return an answer to it; I am too anxious to forget + what it contains; and although you excite my pity, I am not proof + against the bitterness with which it has filled my mind. I! descend to + trick and cunning with you! I! accused of the blackest of all infamies! + Adieu, I regret your having the adieu. I know not what I say adieu: I + shall be very anxious to forgive you. You will come when you please; you + will be better received than your suspicions deserve. All I have to + desire of you is not to trouble yourself about my reputation. The + opinion of the world concerning me is of but little importance in my + esteem. My conduct is good, and this is sufficient for me. Besides, I am + ignorant of what has happened to the two persons who are dear to me as + they are to you." + </p> + <p> + This last letter extricated me from a terrible embarrassment, and threw + me into another of almost the same magnitude. Although these letters and + answers were sent and returned the same day with an extreme rapidity, + the interval had been sufficient to place another between my rage and + transport, and to give me time to reflect on the enormity of my + imprudence. Madam d'Houdetot had not recommended to me anything so much + as to remain quiet, to leave her the care of extricating herself, and to + avoid, especially at that moment, all noise and rupture; and I, by the + most open and atrocious insults, took the properest means of carrying + rage to its greatest height in the heart of a woman who was already but + too well disposed to it. I now could naturally expect nothing from her + but an answer so haughty, disdainful, and expressive of contempt, that I + could not, without the utmost meanness, do otherwise than immediately + quit her house. Happily she, more adroit than I was furious, avoided, by + the manner of her answer, reducing me to that extremity. But it was + necessary either to quit or immediately go and see her; the alternative + was inevitable; I resolved on the latter, though I foresaw how much I + must be embarrassed in the explanation. For how was I to get through it + without exposing either Madam d'Houdetot or Theresa? and woe to her whom + I should have named! There was nothing that the vengeance of an + implacable and an intriguing woman did not make me fear for the person + who should be the object of it. It was to prevent this misfortune that + in my letter I had spoken of nothing but suspicions, that I might not be + under the necessity of producing my proofs. This, it is true, rendered + my transports less excusable; no simple suspicions being sufficient to + authorize me to treat a woman, and especially a friend, in the manner I + had treated Madam d'Epinay. But here begins the noble task I worthily + fulfilled of expiating my faults and secret weaknesses by charging + myself with such of the former as I was incapable of committing, and + which I never did commit. + </p> + <p> + I had not to bear the attack I had expected, and fear was the greatest + evil I received from it. At my approach, Madam d' Epinay threw her arms + about my neck, bursting into tears. This unexpected reception, and by an + old friend, extremely affected me; I also shed many tears. I said to her + a few words which had not much meaning; she uttered others with still + less, and everything ended here. Supper was served; we sat down to + table, where, in expectation of the explanation I imagined to be + deferred until supper was over, I made a very poor figure; for I am so + overpowered by the most trifling inquietude of mind that I cannot + conceal it from persons the least clear-sighted. My embarrassed + appearance must have given her courage, yet she did not risk anything + upon that foundation. There was no more explanation after than before + supper: none took place on the next day, and our little tete-a-tete + conversations consisted of indifferent things, or some complimentary + words on my part, by which, while I informed her I could not say more + relative to my suspicions, I asserted, with the greatest truth, that, if + they were ill-founded, my whole life should be employed in repairing the + injustice. She did not show the least curiosity to know precisely what + they were, nor for what reason I had formed them, and all our + peacemaking consisted, on her part as well as on mine, in the embrace at + our first meeting. Since Madam d'Epinay was the only person offended, at + least in form, I thought it was not for me to strive to bring about an + eclaircissement for which she herself did not seem anxious, and I + returned as I had come; continuing, besides, to live with her upon the + same footing as before, I soon almost entirely forgot the quarrel, and + foolishly believed she had done the same, because she seemed not to + remember what had passed. + </p> + <p> + This, it will soon appear, was not the only vexation caused me by + weakness; but I had others not less disagreeable which I had not brought + upon myself. The only cause of these was a desire of forcing me from my + solitude, by means of tormenting me. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [That is to take from it the old woman who was wanted in the + conspiracy. It is astonishing that, during this long quarrel, my + stupid confidence presented me from comprehending that it was not me + but her whom they wanted in Paris.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + These originated from Diderot and the d'Holbachiens. Since I had resided + at the Hermitage, Diderot incessantly harrassed me, either himself or by + means of De Leyre, and I soon perceived from the pleasantries of the + latter upon my ramblings in the groves, with what pleasure he had + travestied the hermit into the gallant shepherd. But this was not the + question in my quarrels with Diderot; the cause of these were more + serious. After the publication of Fils Naturel he had sent me a copy of + it, which I had read with the interest and attention I ever bestowed on + the works of a friend. In reading the kind of poem annexed to it, I was + surprised and rather grieved to find in it, amongst several things, + disobliging but supportable against men in solitude, this bitter and + severe sentence without the least softening: 'Il n'y a que le mechant + qui fail feul.'—[The wicked only is alone.]—This sentence is + equivocal, and seems to present a double meaning; the one true, the + other false, since it is impossible that a man who is determined to + remain alone can do the least harm to anybody, and consequently he + cannot be wicked. The sentence in itself therefore required an + interpretation; the more so from an author who, when he sent it to the + press, had a friend retired from the world. It appeared to me shocking + and uncivil, either to have forgotten that solitary friend, or, in + remembering him, not to have made from the general maxim the honorable + and just exception which he owed, not only to his friend, but to so many + respectable sages, who, in all ages, have sought for peace and + tranquillity in retirement, and of whom, for the first time since the + creation of the world, a writer took it into his head indiscriminately + to make so many villains. + </p> + <p> + I had a great affection and the most sincere esteem for Diderot, and + fully depended upon his having the same sentiments for me. But tired + with his indefatigable obstinacy in continually opposing my + inclinations, taste, and manner of living, and everything which related + to no person but myself; shocked at seeing a man younger than I was + wish, at all events, to govern me like a child; disgusted with his + facility in promising, and his negligence in performing; weary of so + many appointments given by himself, and capriciously broken, while new + ones were again given only to be again broken; displeased at uselessly + waiting for him three or four times a month on the days he had assigned, + and in dining alone at night after having gone to Saint Denis to meet + him, and waited the whole day for his coming; my heart was already full + of these multiplied injuries. This last appeared to me still more + serious, and gave me infinite pain. I wrote to complain of it, but in so + mild and tender a manner that I moistened my paper with my tears, and my + letter was sufficiently affecting to have drawn others from himself. It + would be impossible to guess his answer on this subject: it was + literally as follows: "I am glad my work has pleased and affected you. + You are not of my opinion relative to hermits. Say as much good of them + as you please, you will be the only one in the world of whom I shall + think well: even on this there would be much to say were it possible to + speak to you without giving you offence. A woman eighty years of age! + etc. A phrase of a letter from the son of Madam d'Epinay which, if I + know you well, must have given you much pain, has been mentioned to me." + </p> + <p> + The last two expressions of this letter want explanation. + </p> + <p> + Soon after I went to reside at the Hermitage, Madam le Vasseur seemed + dissatisfied with her situation, and to think the habitation too + retired. Having heard she had expressed her dislike to the place, I + offered to send her back to Paris, if that were more agreeable to her; + to pay her lodging, and to have the same care taken of her as if she + remained with me. She rejected my offer, assured me she was very well + satisfied with the Hermitage, and that the country air was of service to + her. This was evident, for, if I may so speak, she seemed to become + young again, and enjoyed better health than at Paris. Her daughter told + me her mother would, on the whole, had been very sorry to quit the + Hermitage, which was really a very delightful abode, being fond of the + little amusements of the garden and the care of the fruit of which she + had the handling, but that she had said, what she had been desired to + say, to induce me to return to Paris. + </p> + <p> + Failing in this attempt they endeavored to obtain by a scruple the + effect which complaisance had not produced, and construed into a crime + my keeping the old woman at a distance from the succors of which, at her + age, she might be in need. They did not recollect that she, and many + other old people, whose lives were prolonged by the air of the country, + might obtain these succors at Montmorency, near to which I lived; as if + there were no old people, except in Paris, and that it was impossible + for them to live in any other place. Madam le Vasseur who eat a great + deal, and with extreme voracity, was subject to overflowings of bile and + to strong diarrhoeas, which lasted several days, and served her instead + of clysters. At Paris she neither did nor took anything for them, but + left nature to itself. She observed the same rule at the Hermitage, + knowing it was the best thing she could do. No matter, since there were + not in the country either physicians or apothecaries, keeping her there + must, no doubt, be with the desire of putting an end to her existence, + although she was in perfect health. Diderot should have determined at + what age, under pain of being punished for homicide, it is no longer + permitted to let old people remain out of Paris. + </p> + <p> + This was one of the atrocious accusations from which he did not except + me in his remark; that none but the wicked were alone: and the meaning + of his pathetic exclamation with the et cetera, which he had benignantly + added: A woman of eighty years of age, etc. + </p> + <p> + I thought the best answer that could be given to this reproach would be + from Madam le Vasseur herself. I desired her to write freely and + naturally her sentiments to Madam d'Epinay. To relieve her from all + constraint I would not see her letter. I showed her that which I am + going to transcribe. I wrote it to Madam d'Epinay upon the subject of an + answer I wish to return to a letter still more severe from Diderot, and + which she had prevented me from sending. + </p> + <p> + Thursday. + </p> + <p> + "My good friend. Madam le Vasseur is to write to you: I have desired her + to tell you sincerely what she thinks. To remove from her all + constraint, I have intimated to her that I will not see what she writes, + and I beg of you not to communicate to me any part of the contents of + her letter. + </p> + <p> + "I will not send my letter because you do not choose I should; but, + feeling myself grievously offended, it would be baseness and falsehood, + of either of which it is impossible for me to be guilty, to acknowledge + myself in the wrong. Holy writ commands him to whom a blow is given, to + turn the other cheek, but not to ask pardon. Do you remember the man in + comedy who exclaims, while he is giving another blows with his staff, + 'This is the part of a philosopher!' + </p> + <p> + "Do not flatter yourself that he will be prevented from coming by the + bad weather we now have. His rage will give him the time and strength + which friendship refuses him, and it will be the first time in his life + he ever came upon the day he had appointed. + </p> + <p> + "He will neglect nothing to come and repeat to me verbally the injuries + with which he loads me in his letters; I will endure them all with + patience—he will return to Paris to be ill again; and, according + to custom, I shall be a very hateful man. What is to be done? Endure it + all. + </p> + <p> + "But do not you admire the wisdom of the man who would absolutely come + to Saint Denis in a hackney-coach to dine there, bring me home in a + hackney-coach, and whose finances, eight days afterwards, obliges him to + come to the Hermitage on foot? It is not possible, to speak his own + language, that this should be the style of sincerity. But were this the + case, strange changes of fortune must have happened in the course of a + week. + </p> + <p> + "I join in your affliction for the illness of madam, your mother, but + you will perceive your grief is not equal to mine. We suffer less by + seeing the persons we love ill than when they are unjust and cruel. + </p> + <p> + "Adieu, my good friend, I shall never again mention to you this unhappy + affair. You speak of going to Paris with an unconcern, which, at any + other time, would give me pleasure." + </p> + <p> + I wrote to Diderot, telling him what I had done, relative to Madam le + Vasseur, upon the proposal of Madam d'Epinay herself; and Madam le + Vasseur having, as it may be imagined, chosen to remain at the + Hermitage, where she enjoyed a good state of health, always had company, + and lived very agreeably, Diderot, not knowing what else to attribute to + me as a crime, construed my precaution into one, and discovered another + in Madam le Vasseur continuing to reside at the Hermitage, although this + was by her own choice; and though her going to Paris had depended, and + still depended upon herself, where she would continue to receive the + same succors from me as I gave her in my house. + </p> + <p> + This is the explanation of the first reproach in the letter of Diderot. + That of the second is in the letter which follows: "The learned man (a + name given in a joke by Grimm to the son of Madam d'Epinay) must have + informed you there were upon the rampart twenty poor persons who were + dying with cold and hunger, and waiting for the farthing you customarily + gave them. This is a specimen of our little babbling.....And if you + understand the rest it will amuse you perhap." + </p> + <p> + My answer to this terrible argument, of which Diderot seemed so proud, + was in the following words: + </p> + <p> + "I think I answered the learned man; that is, the farmer-general, that I + did not pity the poor whom he had seen upon the rampart, waiting for my + farthing; that he had probably amply made it up to them; that I + appointed him my substitute, that the poor of Paris would have no reason + to complain of the change; and that I should not easily find so good a + one for the poor of Montmorency, who were in much greater need of + assistance. Here is a good and respectable old man, who, after having + worked hard all his lifetime, no longer being able to continue his + labors, is in his old days dying with hunger. My conscience is more + satisfied with the two sous I give him every Monday, than with the + hundred farthings I should have distributed amongst all the beggars on + the rampart. You are pleasant men, you philosophers, while you consider + the inhabitants of the cities as the only persons whom you ought to + befriend. It is in the country men learn how to love and serve humanity; + all they learn in cities is to despise it." + </p> + <p> + Such were the singular scruples on which a man of sense had the folly to + attribute to me as a crime my retiring from Paris, and pretended to + prove to me by my own example, that it was not possible to live out of + the capital without becoming a bad man. I cannot at present conceive how + I could be guilty of the folly of answering him, and of suffering myself + to be angry instead of laughing in his fare. However, the decisions of + Madam d'Epinay and the clamors of the 'Cote in Holbachique' had so far + operated in her favor, that I was generally thought to be in the wrong; + and the D'Houdetot herself, very partial to Diderot, insisted upon my + going to see him at Paris, and making all the advances towards an + accommodation which, full and sincere as it was on my part, was not of + long duration. The victorious argument by which she subdued my heart + was, that at that moment Diderot was in distress. Besides the storm + excited against the 'Encyclopedie', he had then another violent one to + make head against, relative to his piece, which, notwithstanding the + short history he had printed at the head of it, he was accused of having + entirely taken from Goldoni. Diderot, more wounded by criticisms than + Voltaire, was overwhelmed by them. Madam de Grasigny had been malicious + enough to spread a report that I had broken with him on this account. I + thought it would be just and generous publicly to prove the contrary, + and I went to pass two days, not only with him, but at his lodgings. + This, since I had taken up my abode at the Hermitage, was my second + journey to Paris. I had made the first to run to poor Gauffecourt, who + had had a stroke of apoplexy, from which he has never perfectly + recovered: I did not quit the side of his pillow until he was so far + restored as to have no further need of my assistance. + </p> + <p> + Diderot received me well. How many wrongs are effaced by the embraces of + a friend! after these, what resentment can remain in the heart? We came + to but little explanation. This is needless for reciprocal invectives. + The only thing necessary is to know how to forget them. There had been + no underhand proceedings, none at least that had come to my knowledge: + the case was not the same with Madam d' Epinay. He showed me the plan of + the 'Pere de Famille'. "This," said I to him, "is the best defence to + the 'Fils Naturel'. Be silent, give your attention to this piece, and + then throw it at the head of your enemies as the only answer you think + proper to make them." He did so, and was satisfied with what he had + done. + </p> + <p> + I had six months before sent him the first two parts of my 'Eloisa' to + have his opinion upon them. He had not yet read the work over. We read a + part of it together. He found this 'feuillet', that was his term, by + which he meant loaded with words and redundancies. I myself had already + perceived it; but it was the babbling of the fever: I have never been + able to correct it. The last parts are not the same. The fourth + especially, and the sixth, are master-pieces of diction. + </p> + <p> + The day after my arrival, he would absolutely take me to sup with M. + d'Holbach. We were far from agreeing on this point; for I wished even to + get rid of the bargain for the manuscript on chemistry, for which I was + enraged to be obliged to that man. Diderot carried all before him. He + swore D'Holbach loved me with all his heart, said I must forgive him his + manner, which was the same to everybody, and more disagreeable to his + friends than to others. He observed to me that, refusing the produce of + this manuscript, after having accepted it two years before, was an + affront to the donor which he had not deserved, and that my refusal + might be interpreted into a secret reproach, for having waited so long + to conclude the bargain. "I see," added he, "D'Holbach every day, and + know better than you do the nature of his disposition. Had you reason to + be dissatisfied with him, do you think your friend capable of advising + you to do a mean thing?" In short, with my accustomed weakness, I + suffered myself to be prevailed upon, and we went to sup with the baron, + who received me as he usually had done. But his wife received me coldly + and almost uncivilly. I saw nothing in her which resembled the amiable + Caroline, who, when a maid, expressed for me so many good wishes. I + thought I had already perceived that since Grimm had frequented the + house of D'Aine, I had not met there so friendly a reception. + </p> + <p> + Whilst I was at Paris, Saint Lambert arrived there from the army. As I + was not acquainted with his arrival, I did not see him until after my + return to the country, first at the Chevrette, and afterwards at the + Hermitage; to which he came with Madam d'Houdetot, and invited himself + to dinner with me. It may be judged whether or not I received him with + pleasure! But I felt one still greater at seeing the good understanding + between my guests. Satisfied with not having disturbed their happiness, + I myself was happy in being a witness to it, and I can safely assert + that, during the whole of my mad passion, and especially at the moment + of which I speak, had it been in my power to take from him Madam + d'Houdetot I would not have done it, nor should I have so much as been + tempted to undertake it. I found her so amiable in her passion for Saint + Lambert, that I could scarcely imagine she would have been as much so + had she loved me instead of him; and without wishing to disturb their + union, all I really desired of her was to permit herself to be loved. + Finally, however violent my passion may have been for this lady, I found + it as agreeable to be the confidant, as the object of her amours, and I + never for a moment considered her lover as a rival, but always as my + friend. It will be said this was not love: be it so, but it was + something more. + </p> + <p> + As for Saint Lambert, he behaved like an honest and judicious man: as I + was the only person culpable, so was I the only one who was punished; + this, however, was with the greatest indulgence. He treated me severely, + but in a friendly manner, and I perceived I had lost something in his + esteem, but not the least part of his friendship. For this I consoled + myself, knowing it would be much more easy to me to recover the one than + the other, and that he had too much sense to confound an involuntary + weakness and a passion with a vice of character. If even I were in fault + in all that had passed, I was but very little so. Had I first sought + after his mistress? Had not he himself sent her to me? Did not she come + in search of me? Could I avoid receiving her? What could I do? They + themselves had done the evil, and I was the person on whom it fell. In + my situation they would have done as much as I did, and perhaps more; + for, however estimable and faithful Madam d'Houdetot might be, she was + still a woman; her lover was absent; opportunities were frequent; + temptations strong; and it would have been very difficult for her always + to have defended herself with the same success against a more + enterprising man. We certainly had done a great deal in our situation, + in placing boundaries beyond which we never permitted ourselves to pass. + </p> + <p> + Although at the bottom of my heart I found evidence sufficiently + honorable in my favor, so many appearances were against me, that the + invincible shame always predominant in me, gave me in his presence the + appearance of guilt, and of this he took advantage for the purpose of + humbling me: a single circumstance will describe this reciprocal + situation. I read to him, after dinner, the letter I had written the + preceding year to Voltaire, and of which Saint Lambert had heard speak. + Whilst I was reading he fell asleep, and I, lately so haughty, at + present so foolish, dared not stop, and continued to read whilst he + continued to snore. Such were my indignities and such his revenge; but + his generosity never permitted him to exercise them; except between + ourselves. + </p> + <p> + After his return to the army, I found Madam d'Houdetot greatly changed + in her manner with me. At this I was as much surprised as if it had not + been what I ought to have expected; it affected me more than it ought to + have done, and did me considerable harm. It seemed that everything from + which I expected a cure, still plunged deeper into my heart the dart, + which I at length broke in rather than draw out. + </p> + <p> + I was quite determined to conquer myself, and leave no means untried to + change my foolish passion into a pure and lasting friendship. For this + purpose I had formed the finest projects in the world; for the execution + of which the concurrence of Madam d' Houdetot was necessary. When I + wished to speak to her I found her absent and embarrassed; I perceived I + was no longer agreeable to her, and that something had passed which she + would not communicate to me, and which I have never yet known. This + change, and the impossibility of knowing the reason of it, grieved me to + the heart. + </p> + <p> + She asked me for her letters; these I returned her with a fidelity of + which she did me the insult to doubt for a moment. + </p> + <p> + This doubt was another wound given to my heart, with which she must have + been so well acquainted. She did me justice, but not immediately: I + understood that an examination of the packet I had sent her, made her + perceive her error; I saw she reproached herself with it, by which I was + a gainer of something. She could not take back her letters without + returning me mine. She told me she had burnt them: of this I dared to + doubt in my turn, and I confess I doubt of it at this moment. No, such + letters as mine to her were, are never thrown into the fire. Those of + Eloisa have been found ardent. + </p> + <p> + Heavens! what would have been said of these! No, No, she who can inspire + a like passion, will never have the courage to burn the proofs of it. + But I am not afraid of her having made a bad use of them: of this I do + not think her capable; and besides I had taken proper measures to + prevent it. The foolish, but strong apprehension of raillery, had made + me begin this correspondence in a manner to secure my letters from all + communication. I carried the familiarity I permitted myself with her in + my intoxication so far as to speak to her in the singular number: but + what theeing and thouing! she certainly could not be offended with it. + Yet she several times complained, but this was always useless: her + complaints had no other effect than that of awakening my fears, and I + besides could not suffer myself to lose ground. If these letters be not + yet destroyed, and should they ever be made public, the world will see + in what manner I have loved. + </p> + <p> + The grief caused me by the coldness of Madam d'Houdetot, and the + certainty of not having merited it, made me take the singular resolution + to complain of it to Saint Lambert himself. While waiting the effect of + the letter I wrote to him, I sought dissipations to which I ought sooner + to have had recourse. Fetes were given at the Chevrette for which I + composed music. The pleasure of honoring myself in the eyes of Madam + d'Houdetot by a talent she loved, warmed my imagination, and another + object still contributed to give it animation, this was the desire the + author of the 'Devin du Villaqe' had of showing he understood music; for + I had perceived some persons had, for a considerable time past, + endeavored to render this doubtful, at least with respect to + composition. My beginning at Paris, the ordeal through which I had + several times passed there, both at the house of M. Dupin and that of M. + de la Popliniere; the quantity of music I had composed during fourteen + years in the midst of the most celebrated masters and before their eyes:—finally, + the opera of the 'Muses Gallantes', and that even of the 'Devin'; a + motet I had composed for Mademoiselle Fel, and which she had sung at the + spiritual concert; the frequent conferences I had had upon this fine art + with the first composers, all seemed to prevent or dissipate a doubt of + such a nature. This however existed even at the Chevrette, and in the + mind of M. d'Epinay himself. Without appearing to observe it, I + undertook to compose him a motet for the dedication of the chapel of the + Chevrette, and I begged him to make choice of the words. He directed de + Linant, the tutor to his son, to furnish me with these. De Linant gave + me words proper to the subject, and in a week after I had received them + the motet was finished. This time, spite was my Apollo, and never did + better music come from my hand. The words began with: 'Ecce sedes hic + tonantis'. (I have since learned these were by Santeuil, and that M. de + Linant had without scruple appropriated them to himself.) The grandeur + of the opening is suitable to the words, and the rest of the motet is so + elegantly harmonious that everyone was struck with it. I had composed it + for a great orchestra. D'Epinay procured the best performers. Madam + Bruna, an Italian singer, sung the motet, and was well accompanied. The + composition succeeded so well that it was afterwards performed at the + spiritual concert, where, in spite of secret cabals, and notwithstanding + it was badly executed, it was twice generally applauded. I gave for the + birthday of M. d'Epinay the idea of a kind of piece half dramatic and + half pantomimical, of which I also composed the music. Grimm, on his + arrival, heard speak of my musical success. An hour afterwards not a + word more was said on the subject; but there no longer remained a doubt, + not at least that I know of, of my knowledge of composition. + </p> + <p> + Grimm was scarcely arrived at the Chevrette, where I already did not + much amuse myself, before he made it insupportable to me by airs I never + before saw in any person, and of which I had no idea. The evening before + he came, I was dislodged from the chamber of favor, contiguous to that + of Madam d'Epinay; it was prepared for Grimm, and instead of it, I was + put into another further off. "In this manner," said I, laughingly, to + Madam d'Epinay, "new-comers displace those which are established." She + seemed embarrassed. I was better acquainted the same evening with the + reason for the change, in learning that between her chamber and that I + had quitted there was a private door which she had thought needless to + show me. Her intercourse with Grimm was not a secret either in her own + house or to the public, not even to her husband; yet, far from + confessing it to me, the confidant of secrets more important to her, and + which was sure would be faithfully kept, she constantly denied it in the + strongest manner. I comprehended this reserve proceeded from Grimm, who, + though intrusted with all my secrets, did not choose I should be with + any of his. + </p> + <p> + However prejudiced I was in favor of this man by former sentiments, + which were not extinguished, and by the real merit he had, all was not + proof against the cares he took to destroy it. He received me like the + Comte de Tuffiere; he scarcely deigned to return my salute; he never + once spoke to me, and prevented my speaking to him by not making me any + answer; he everywhere passed first, and took the first place without + ever paying me the least attention. All this would have been supportable + had he not accompanied it with a shocking affectation, which may be + judged of by one example taken from a hundred. One evening Madam + d'Epinay, finding herself a little indisposed, ordered something for her + supper to be carried into her chamber, and went up stairs to sup by the + side of the fire. She asked me to go with her, which I did. Grimm came + afterwards. The little table was already placed, and there were but two + covers. Supper was served; Madam d' Epinay took her place on one side of + the fire, Grimm took an armed chair, seated himself at the other, drew + the little table between them, opened his napkin, and prepared himself + for eating without speaking to me a single word. + </p> + <p> + Madam d' Epinay blushed at his behavior, and, to induce him to repair + his rudeness, offered me her place. He said nothing, nor did he ever + look at me. Not being able to approach the fire, I walked about the + chamber until a cover was brought. Indisposed as I was, older than + himself, longer acquainted in the house than he had been, the person who + had introduced him there, and to whom as a favorite of the lady he ought + to have done the honors of it, he suffered me to sup at the end of the + table, at a distance from the fire, without showing me the least + civility. His whole behavior to me corresponded with this example of it. + He did not treat me precisely as his inferior, but he looked upon me as + a cipher. I could scarcely recognize the same Grimm, who, to the house + of the Prince de Saxe-Gotha, thought himself honored when I cast my eyes + upon him. I had still more difficulty in reconciling this profound + silence and insulting haughtiness with the tender friendship he + possessed for me to those whom he knew to be real friends. It is true + the only proofs he gave of it was pitying my wretched fortune, of which + I did not complain; compassionating my sad fate, with which I was + satisfied; and lamenting to see me obstinately refuse the benevolent + services he said, he wished to render me. Thus was it he artfully made + the world admire his affectionate generosity, blame my ungrateful + misanthropy, and insensibly accustomed people to imagine there was + nothing more between a protector like him and a wretch like myself, than + a connection founded upon benefactions on one part and obligations on + the other, without once thinking of a friendship between equals. For my + part, I have vainly sought to discover in what I was under an obligation + to this new protector. I had lent him money, he had never lent me any; I + had attended him in his illness, he scarcely came to see me in mine; I + had given him all my friends, he never had given me any of his; I had + said everything I could in his favor, and if ever he has spoken of me it + has been less publicly and in another manner. He has never either + rendered or offered me the least service of any kind. How, therefore, + was he my Mecaenas? In what manner was I protected by him? This was + incomprehensible to me, and still remains so. + </p> + <p> + It is true, he was more or less arrogant with everybody, but I was the + only person with whom he was brutally so. I remember Saint Lambert once + ready to throw a plate at his head, upon his, in some measure, giving + him the lie at table by vulgarly saying, "That is not true." With his + naturally imperious manner he had the self-sufficiency of an upstart, + and became ridiculous by being extravagantly impertinent. An intercourse + with the great had so far intoxicated him that he gave himself airs + which none but the contemptible part of them ever assume. He never + called his lackey but by "Eh!" as if amongst the number of his servants + my lord had not known which was in waiting. When he sent him to buy + anything, he threw the money upon the ground instead of putting it into + his hand. In short, entirely forgetting he was a man, he treated him + with such shocking contempt, and so cruel a disdain in everything, that + the poor lad, a very good creature, whom Madam d'Epinay had recommended, + quitted his service without any other complaint than that of the + impossibility of enduring such treatment. This was the la Fleur of this + new presuming upstart. + </p> + <p> + As these things were nothing more than ridiculous, but quite opposite to + my character, they contributed to render him suspicious to me. I could + easily imagine that a man whose head was so much deranged could not have + a heart well placed. He piqued himself upon nothing so much as upon + sentiments. How could this agree with defects which are peculiar to + little minds? How can the continued overflowings of a susceptible heart + suffer it to be incessantly employed in so many little cares relative to + the person? He who feels his heart inflamed with this celestial fire + strives to diffuse it, and wishes to show what he internally is. He + would wish to place his heart in his countenance, and thinks not of + other paint for his cheeks. + </p> + <p> + I remember the summary of his morality which Madam d'Epinay had + mentioned to me and adopted. This consisted in one single article; that + the sole duty of man is to follow all the inclinations of his heart. + This morality, when I heard it mentioned, gave me great matter of + reflection, although I at first considered it solely as a play of wit. + But I soon perceived it was a principle really the rule of his conduct, + and of which I afterwards had, at my own expense, but too many + convincing proofs. It is the interior doctrine Diderot has so frequently + intimated to me, but which I never heard him explain. + </p> + <p> + I remember having several years before been frequently told that Grimm + was false, that he had nothing more than the appearance of sentiment, + and particularly that he did not love me. I recollected several little + anecdotes which I had heard of him by M. de Francueil and Madam de + Chenonceaux, neither of whom esteemed him, and to whom he must have been + known, as Madam de Chenonceaux was daughter to Madam de Rochechouart, + the intimate friend of the late Comte de Friese, and that M. de + Francueil, at that time very intimate with the Viscount de Polignac, had + lived a good deal at the Palais Royal precisely when Grimm began to + introduce himself there. All Paris heard of his despair after the death + of the Comte de Friese. It was necessary to support the reputation he + had acquired after the rigors of Mademoiselle Fel, and of which I, more + than any other person, should have seen the imposture, had I been less + blind. He was obliged to be dragged to the Hotel de Castries where he + worthily played his part, abandoned to the most mortal affliction. + There, he every morning went into the garden to weep at his ease, + holding before his eyes his handkerchief moistened with tears, as long + as he was in sight of the hotel, but at the turning of a certain alley, + people, of whom he little thought, saw him instantly put his + handkerchief in his pocket and take out of it a book. This observation, + which was repeatedly made, soon became public in Paris, and was almost + as soon forgotten. I myself had forgotten it; a circumstance in which I + was concerned brought it to my recollection. I was at the point of death + in my bed, in the Rue de Grenelle, Grimm was in the country; he came one + morning, quite out of breath, to see me, saying, he had arrived in town + that very instant; and a moment afterwards I learned he had arrived the + evening before, and had been seen at the theatre. + </p> + <p> + I heard many things of the same kind; but an observation, which I was + surprised not to have made sooner, struck me more than anything else. I + had given to Grimm all my friends without exception, they were become + his. I was so inseparable from him, that I should have had some + difficulty in continuing to visit at a house where he was not received. + Madam de Crequi was the only person who refused to admit him into her + company, and whom for that reason I have seldom since seen. Grimm on his + part made himself other friends, as well by his own means, as by those + of the Comte de Friese. Of all these not one of them ever became my + friend: he never said a word to induce me even to become acquainted with + them, and not one of those I sometimes met at his apartments ever showed + me the least good will; the Comte de Friese, in whose house he lived, + and with whom it consequently would have been agreeable to me to form + some connection, not excepted, nor the Comte de Schomberg, his relation, + with whom Grimm was still more intimate. + </p> + <p> + Add to this, my own friends, whom I made his, and who were all tenderly + attached to me before this acquaintance, were no longer so the moment it + was made. He never gave me one of his. I gave him all mine, and these he + has taken from me. If these be the effects of friendship, what are those + of enmity? + </p> + <p> + Diderot himself told me several times at the beginning that Grimm in + whom I had so much confidence, was not my friend. He changed his + language the moment he was no longer so himself. + </p> + <p> + The manner in which I had disposed of my children wanted not the + concurrence of any person. Yet I informed some of my friends of it, + solely to make it known to them, and that I might not in their eyes + appear better than I was. These friends were three in number: Diderot, + Grimm, and Madam d'Epinay. Duclos, the most worthy of my confidence, was + the only real friend whom I did not inform of it. He nevertheless knew + what I had done. By whom? This I know not. It is not very probable the + perfidy came from Madam d'Epinay, who knew that by following her + example, had I been capable of doing it, I had in my power the means of + a cruel revenge. It remains therefore between Grimm and Diderot, then so + much united, especially against me, and it is probable this crime was + common to them both. I would lay a wager that Duclos, to whom I never + told my secret, and who consequently was at liberty to make what use he + pleased of his information, is the only person who has not spoken of it + again. + </p> + <p> + Grimm and Diderot, in their project to take from me the governesses, had + used the greatest efforts to make Duclos enter into their views; but + this he refused to do with disdain. It was not until sometime afterwards + that I learned from him what had passed between them on the subject; but + I learned at the time from Theresa enough to perceive there was some + secret design, and that they wished to dispose of me, if not against my + own consent, at least without my knowledge, or had an intention of + making these two persons serve as instruments of some project they had + in view. This was far from upright conduct. The opposition of Duclos is + a convincing proof of it. They who think proper may believe it to be + friendship. + </p> + <p> + This pretended friendship was as fatal to me at home as it was abroad. + The long and frequent conversations with Madam le Vasseur, for, several + years past, had made a sensible change in this woman's behavior to me, + and the change was far from being in my favor. What was the subject of + these singular conversations? Why such a profound mystery? Was the + conversation of that old woman agreeable enough to take her into favor, + and of sufficient importance to make of it so great a secret? During the + two or three years these colloquies had, from time to time, been + continued, they had appeared to me ridiculous; but when I thought of + them again, they began to astonish me. This astonishment would have been + carried to inquietude had I then known what the old creature was + preparing for me. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding the pretended zeal for my welfare of which Grimm made + such a public boast, difficult to reconcile with the airs he gave + himself when we were together, I heard nothing of him from any quarter + the least to my advantage, and his feigned commiseration tended less to + do me service than to render me contemptible. He deprived me as much as + he possibly could of the resource I found in the employment I had + chosen, by decrying me as a bad copyist. I confess he spoke the truth; + but in this case it was not for him to do it. He proved himself in + earnest by employing another copyist, and prevailing upon everybody he + could, by whom I was engaged, to do the same. His intention might have + been supposed to be that of reducing me to a dependence upon him and his + credit for a subsistence, and to cut off the latter until I was brought + to that degree of distress. + </p> + <p> + All things considered, my reason imposed silence upon my former + prejudice, which still pleaded in his favor. I judged his character to + be at least suspicious, and with respect to his friendship I positively + decided it to be false. I then resolved to see him no more, and informed + Madam d'Epinay of the resolution I had taken, supporting, it with + several unanswerable facts, but which I have now forgotten. + </p> + <p> + She strongly combated my resolution without knowing how to reply to the + reasons on which it was founded. She had not concerted with him; but the + next day, instead of explaining herself verbally, she, with great + address, gave me a letter they had drawn up together, and by which, + without entering into a detail of facts, she justified him by his + concentrated character, attributed to me as a crime my having suspected + him of perfidy towards his friend, and exhorted me to come to an + accommodation with him. This letter staggered me. In a conversation we + afterwards had together, and in which I found her better prepared than + she had been the first time, I suffered myself to be quite prevailed + upon, and was inclined to believe I might have judged erroneously. In + this case I thought I really had done a friend a very serious injury, + which it was my duty to repair. In short, as I had already done several + times with Diderot, and the Baron d'Holbach, half from inclination, and + half from weakness, I made all the advances I had a right to require; I + went to M. Grimm, like another George Dandin, to make him my apologies + for the offence he had given me; still in the false persuasion, which, + in the course of my life has made me guilty of a thousand meannesses to + my pretended friends, that there is no hatred which may not be disarmed + by mildness and proper behavior; whereas, on the contrary, the hatred of + the wicked becomes still more envenomed by the impossibility of finding + anything to found it upon, and the sentiment of their own injustice is + another cause of offence against the person who is the object of it. I + have, without going further than my own history, a strong proof of this + maxim in Grimm, and in Tronchin; both became my implacable enemies from + inclination, pleasure and fancy, without having been able to charge me + with having done either of them the most trifling injury, and whose + rage, like that of tigers, becomes daily more fierce by the facility of + satiating it. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [I did not give the surname of Jongleur only to the latter until a + long time after his enmity had been declared, and the persecutions he + brought upon me at Geneva and elsewhere. I soon suppressed the name + the moment I perceived I was entirely his victim. Mean vengeance is + unworthy of my heart, and hatred never takes the least root in it.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + I expected that Grimm, confused by my condescension and advances, would + receive me with open arms, and the most tender friendship. He received + me as a Roman Emperor would have done, and with a haughtiness I never + saw in any person but himself. I was by no means prepared for such a + reception. When, in the embarrassment of the part I had to act, and + which was so unworthy of me, I had, in a few words and with a timid air, + fulfilled the object which had brought me to him; before he received me + into favor, he pronounced, with a deal of majesty, an harangue he had + prepared, and which contained a long enumeration of his rare virtues, + and especially those connected with friendship. He laid great stress + upon a thing which at first struck me a great deal: this was his having + always preserved the same friends. Whilst he was yet speaking, I said to + myself, it would be cruel for me to be the only exception to this rule. + He returned to the subject so frequently, and with such emphasis, that I + thought, if in this he followed nothing but the sentiments of his heart, + he would be less struck with the maxim, and that he made of it an art + useful to his views by procuring the means of accomplishing them. Until + then I had been in the same situation; I had preserved all my first + friends, those even from my tenderest infancy, without having lost one + of them except by death, and yet I had never before made the reflection: + it was not a maxim I had prescribed myself. Since, therefore, the + advantage was common to both, why did he boast of it in preference, if + he had not previously intended to deprive me of the merit? He afterwards + endeavored to humble me by proofs of the preference our common friends + gave to me. With this I was as well acquainted as himself; the question + was, by what means he had obtained it? whether it was by merit or + address? by exalting himself, or endeavoring to abase me? At last, when + he had placed between us all the distance that he could add to the value + of the favor he was about to confer, he granted me the kiss of peace, in + a slight embrace which resembled the accolade which the king gives to + newmade knights. I was stupefied with surprise: I knew not what to say; + not a word could I utter. The whole scene had the appearance of the + reprimand a preceptor gives to his pupil while he graciously spares + inflicting the rod. I never think of it without perceiving to what + degree judgments, founded upon appearances to which the vulgar give so + much weight, are deceitful, and how frequently audaciousness and pride + are found in the guilty, and shame and embarrassment in the innocent. + </p> + <p> + We were reconciled: this was a relief to my heart, which every kind of + quarrel fills with anguish. It will naturally be supposed that a like + reconciliation changed nothing in his manners; all it effected was to + deprive me of the right of complaining of them. For this reason I took a + resolution to endure everything, and for the future to say not a word. + </p> + <p> + So many successive vexations overwhelmed me to such a degree as to leave + me but little power over my mind. Receiving no answer from Saint + Lambert, neglected by Madam d'Houdetot, and no longer daring to open my + heart to any person, I began to be afraid that by making friendship my + idol, I should sacrifice my whole life to chimeras. After putting all + those with whom I had been acquainted to the test, there remained but + two who had preserved my esteem, and in whom my heart could confide: + Duclos, of whom since my retreat to the Hermitage I had lost sight, and + Saint Lambert. I thought the only means of repairing the wrongs I had + done the latter, was to open myself to him without reserve, and I + resolved to confess to him everything by which his mistress should not + be exposed. I have no doubt but this was another snare of my passions to + keep me nearer to her person; but I should certainly have had no reserve + with her lover, entirely submitting to his direction, and carrying + sincerity as far as it was possible to do it. I was upon the point of + writing to him a second letter, to which I was certain he would have + returned an answer, when I learned the melancholy cause of his silence + relative to the first. He had been unable to support until the end the + fatigues of the campaign. Madam d'Epinay informed me he had had an + attack of the palsy, and Madam d'Houdetot, ill from affliction, wrote me + two or three days after from Paris, that he was going to Aix-la-Chapelle + to take the benefit of the waters. I will not say this melancholy + circumstance afflicted me as it did her; but I am of opinion my grief of + heart was as painful as her tears. The pain of knowing him to be in such + a state, increased by the fear least inquietude should have contributed + to occasion it, affected me more than anything that had yet happened, + and I felt most cruelly a want of fortitude, which in my estimation was + necessary to enable me to support so many misfortunes. Happily this + generous friend did not long leave me so overwhelmed with affliction; he + did not forget me, notwithstanding his attack; and I soon learned from + himself that I had ill judged his sentiments, and been too much alarmed + for his situation. It is now time I should come to the grand revolution + of my destiny, to the catastrophe which has divided my life in two parts + so different from each other, and, from a very trifling cause, produced + such terrible effects. + </p> + <p> + One day, little thinking of what was to happen, Madam d'Epinay sent for + me to the Chevrette. The moment I saw her I perceived in her eyes and + whole countenance an appearance of uneasiness, which struck me the more, + as this was not customary, nobody knowing better than she did how to + govern her features and her movements. "My friend," said she to me, "I + am immediately going to set off for Geneva; my breast is in a bad state, + and my health so deranged that I must go and consult Tronchin." I was + the more astonished at this resolution so suddenly taken, and at the + beginning of the bad season of the year, as thirty-six hours before she + had not, when I left her, so much as thought of it. I asked her who she + would take with her. She said her son and M. de Linant; and afterwards + carelessly added, "And you, dear, will not you go also?" As I did not + think she spoke seriously, knowing that at the season of the year I was + scarcely in a situation to go to my chamber, I joked upon the utility of + the company, of one sick person to another. She herself had not seemed + to make the proposition seriously, and here the matter dropped. The rest + of our conversation ran upon the necessary preparations for her journey, + about which she immediately gave orders, being determined to set off + within a fortnight. She lost nothing by my refusal, having prevailed + upon her husband to accompany her. + </p> + <p> + A few days afterwards I received from Diderot the note I am going to + transcribe. This note, simply doubled up, so that the contents were + easily read, was addressed to me at Madam d'Epinay's, and sent to M. de + Linant, tutor to the son, and confidant to the mother. + </p> + <p> + NOTE FROM DIDEROT. + </p> + <p> + "I am naturally disposed to love you, and am born to give you trouble. I + am informed Madam d'Epinay is going to Geneva, and do not hear you are + to accompany her. My friend, you are satisfied with Madam d'Epinay, you + must go, with her; if dissatisfied you ought still less to hesitate. Do + you find the weight of the obligations you are under to her uneasy to + you? This is an opportunity of discharging a part of them, and relieving + your mind. Do you ever expect another opportunity like the present one, + of giving her proofs of your gratitude? She is going to a country where + she will be quite a stranger. She is ill, and will stand in need of + amusement and dissipation. The winter season too! Consider, my friend. + Your ill state of health may be a much greater objection than I think it + is; but are you now more indisposed than you were a month ago, or than + you will be at the beginning of spring? Will you three months hence be + in a situation to perform the journey more at your ease than at present? + For my part I cannot but observe to you that were I unable to bear the + shaking of the carriage I would take my staff and follow her. Have you + no fears lest your conduct should be misinterpreted? You will be + suspected of ingratitude or of a secret motive. I well know, that let + you do as you will you will have in your favor the testimony of your + conscience, but will this alone be sufficient, and is it permitted to + neglect to a certain degree that which is necessary to acquire the + approbation of others? What I now write, my good friend, is to acquit + myself of what I think I owe to us both. Should my letter displease you, + throw it into the fire and let it be forgotten. I salute, love and + embrace you." + </p> + <p> + Although trembling and almost blind with rage whilst I read this + epistle, I remarked the address with which Diderot affected a milder and + more polite language than he had done in his former ones, wherein he + never went further than "My dear," without ever deigning to add the name + of friend. I easily discovered the secondhand means by which the letter + was conveyed to me; the subscription, manner and form awkwardly betrayed + the manoeuvre; for we commonly wrote to each other by post, or the + messenger of Montmorency, and this was the first and only time he sent + me his letter by any other conveyance. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the first transports of my indignation permitted me to write, + I, with great precipitation, wrote him the following answer, which I + immediately carried from the Hermitage, where I then was, to Chevrette, + to show it to Madam d' Epinay; to whom, in my blind rage, I read the + contents, as well as the letter from Diderot. + </p> + <p> + "You cannot, my dear friend, either know the magnitude of the + obligations I am under to Madam d'Epinay, to what a degree I am bound by + them, whether or not she is desirous of my accompanying her, that this + is possible, or the reasons I may have for my noncompliance. I have no + objection to discuss all these points with you; but you will in the + meantime confess that prescribing to me so positively what I ought to + do, without first enabling yourself to judge of the matter, is, my dear + philosopher, acting very inconsiderately. What is still worse, I + perceive the opinion you give comes not from yourself. Besides my being + but little disposed to suffer myself to be led by the nose under your + name by any third or fourth person, I observe in this secondary advice + certain underhand dealing, which ill agrees with your candor, and from + which you will on your account, as well as mine, do well in future to + abstain. + </p> + <p> + "You are afraid my conduct should be misinterpreted; but I defy a heart + like yours to think ill of mine. Others would perhaps speak better of me + if I resembled them more. God preserve me from gaining their + approbation! Let the vile and wicked watch over my conduct and + misinterpret my actions, Rousseau is not a man to be afraid of them, nor + is Diderot to be prevailed upon to hearken to what they say. + </p> + <p> + "If I am displeased with your letter, you wish me to throw it into the + fire, and pay no attention to the contents. Do you imagine that anything + coming from you can be forgotten in such a manner? You hold, my dear + friend, my tears as cheap in the pain you give me, as you do my life and + health, in the cares you exhort me to take. Could you but break yourself + of this, your friendship would be more pleasing to me, and I should be + less to be pitied." + </p> + <p> + On entering the chamber of Madam d'Epinay I found Grimm with her, with + which I was highly delighted. I read to them, in a loud and clear voice, + the two letters, with an intrepidity of which I should not have thought + myself capable, and concluded with a few observations not in the least + derogatory to it. At this unexpected audacity in a man generally timid, + they were struck dumb with surprise; I perceived that arrogant man look + down upon the ground, not daring to meet my eyes, which sparkled with + indignation; but in the bottom of his heart he from that instant + resolved upon my destruction, and, with Madam d' Epinay, I am certain + concerted measures to that effect before they separated. + </p> + <p> + It was much about this time that I at length received, by Madam + d'Houdetot, the answer from Saint Lambert, dated from Wolfenbuttle, a + few days after the accident had happened to him, to my letter which had + been long delayed upon the road. This answer gave me the consolation of + which I then stood so much in need; it was full of assurance of esteem + and friendship, and these gave me strength and courage to deserve them. + From that moment I did my duty, but had Saint Lambert been less + reasonable, generous and honest, I was inevitably lost. + </p> + <p> + The season became bad, and people began to quit the country. Madam + d'Houdetot informed me of the day on which she intended to come and bid + adieu to the valley, and gave me a rendezvous at Laubonne. This happened + to be the same day on which Madam d'Epinay left the Chevrette to go to + Paris for the purpose of completing preparations for her journey. + Fortunately she set off in the morning, and I had still time to go and + dine with her sister-in-law. I had the letter from Saint Lambert in my + pocket, and read it over several times as I walked along, This letter + served me as a shield against my weakness. I made and kept to the + resolution of seeing nothing in Madam d'Houdetot but my friend and the + mistress of Saint Lambert; and I passed with her a tete-a-fete of four + hours in a most delicious calm, infinitely preferable, even with respect + to enjoyment, to the paroxysms of a burning fever, which, always, until + that moment, I had had when in her presence. As she too well knew my + heart not to be changed, she was sensible of the efforts I made to + conquer myself, and esteemed me the more for them, and I had the + pleasure of perceiving that her friendship for me was not extinguished. + She announced to me the approaching return of Saint Lambert, who, + although well enough recovered from his attack, was unable to bear the + fatigues of war, and was quitting the service to come and live in peace + with her. We formed the charming project of an intimate connection + between us three, and had reason to hope it would be lasting, since it + was founded on every sentiment by which honest and susceptible hearts + could be united; and we had moreover amongst us all the knowledge and + talents necessary to be sufficient to ourselves without the aid of any + foreign supplement. Alas! in abandoning myself to the hope of so + agreeable a life I little suspected that which awaited me. + </p> + <p> + We afterwards spoke of my situation with Madam d'Epinay. I showed her + the letter from Diderot, with my answer to it; I related to her + everything that had passed upon the subject, and declared to her my + resolution of quitting the Hermitage. + </p> + <p> + This she vehemently opposed, and by reasons all powerful over my heart. + She expressed to me how much she could have wished I had been of the + party to Geneva, foreseeing she should inevitably be considered as + having caused the refusal, which the letter of Diderot seemed previously + to announce. However, as she was acquainted with my reasons, she did not + insist upon this point, but conjured me to avoid coming to an open + rupture let it cost me what mortification it would, and to palliate my + refusal by reasons sufficiently plausible to put away all unjust + suspicions of her having been the cause of it. I told her the task she + imposed on me was not easy; but that, resolved to expiate my faults at + the expense of my reputation, I would give the preference to hers in + everything that honor permitted me to suffer. It will soon be seen + whether or not I fulfilled this engagement. + </p> + <p> + My passion was so far from having lost any part of its force that I + never in my life loved my Sophia so ardently and tenderly as on that + day, but such was the impression made upon me by the letter of Saint + Lambert, the sentiment of my duty and the horror in which I held + perfidy, that during the whole time of the interview my senses left me + in peace, and I was not so much as tempted to kiss her hand. At parting + she embraced me before her servants. This embrace, so different from + those I had sometimes stolen from her under the foliage, proved I was + become master of myself; and I am certain that had my mind, undisturbed, + had time to acquire more firmness, three months would have cured me + radically. + </p> + <p> + Here ends my personal connections with Madam d'Houdetot; connections of + which each has been able to judge by appearance according to the + disposition of his own heart, but in which the passion inspired me by + that amiable woman, the most lively passion, perhaps, man ever felt, + will be honorable in our own eyes by the rare and painful sacrifice we + both made to duty, honor, love, and friendship. We each had too high an + opinion of the other easily to suffer ourselves to do anything + derogatory to our dignity. We must have been unworthy of all esteem had + we not set a proper value upon one like this, and the energy of my + sentiments which have rendered us culpable, was that which prevented us + from becoming so. + </p> + <p> + Thus after a long friendship for one of these women, and the strongest + affection for the other, I bade them both adieu the same day, to one + never to see her more, to the other to see her again twice, upon + occasions of which I shall hereafter speak. + </p> + <p> + After their departure, I found myself much embarrassed to fulfill so + many pressing and contradictory duties, the consequences of my + imprudence; had I been in my natural situation, after the proposition + and refusal of the journey to Geneva, I had only to remain quiet, and + everything was as it should be. But I had foolishly made of it an affair + which could not remain in the state it was, and an explanation was + absolutely necessary, unless I quitted the Hermitage, which I had just + promised Madam d'Houdetot not to do, at least for the present. Moreover + she had required me to make known the reasons for my refusal to my + pretended friends, that it might not be imputed to her. Yet I could not + state the true reason without doing an outrage to Madam d'Epinay, who + certainly had a right to my gratitude for what she had done for me. + Everything well considered, I found myself reduced to the severe but + indispensable necessity of failing in respect, either to Madam d'Upinay, + Madam d'Houdetot or to myself; and it was the last I resolved to make my + victim. This I did without hesitation, openly and fully, and with so + much generosity as to make the act worthy of expiating the faults which + had reduced me to such an extremity. This sacrifice, taken advantage of + by my enemies, and which they, perhaps, did not expect, has ruined my + reputation, and by their assiduity, deprived me of the esteem of the + public; but it has restored to me my own, and given me consolation in my + misfortune. This, as it will hereafter appear, is not the last time I + made such a sacrifice, nor that advantages were taken of it to do me an + injury. + </p> + <p> + Grimm was the only person who appeared to have taken no part in the + affair, and it was to him I determined to address myself. I wrote him a + long letter, in which I set forth the ridiculousness of considering it + as my duty to accompany Madam d' Epinay to Geneva, the inutility of the + measure, and the embarrassment even it would have caused her, besides + the inconvenience to myself. I could not resist the temptation of + letting him perceive in this letter how fully I was informed in what + manner things were arranged, and that to me it appeared singular I + should be expected to undertake the journey whilst he himself dispensed + with it, and that his name was never mentioned. This letter, wherein, on + account of my not being able clearly to state my reasons, I was often + obliged to wander from the text, would have rendered me culpable in the + eyes of the public, but it was a model of reservedness and discretion + for the people who, like Grimm, were fully acquainted with the things I + forbore to mention, and which justified my conduct. I did not even + hesitate to raise another prejudice against myself in attributing the + advice of Diderot, to my other friends. This I did to insinuate that + Madam d'Houdetot had been in the same opinion as she really was, and in + not mentioning that, upon the reasons I gave her, she thought + differently, I could not better remove the suspicion of her having + connived at my proceedings than appearing dissatisfied with her + behavior. + </p> + <p> + This letter was concluded by an act of confidence which would have had + an effect upon any other man; for, in desiring Grimm to weigh my reasons + and afterwards to give me his opinion, I informed him that, let this be + what it would, I should act accordingly, and such was my intention had + he even thought I ought to set off; for M. d'Epinay having appointed + himself the conductor of his wife, my going with them would then have + had a different appearance; whereas it was I who, in the first place, + was asked to take upon me that employment, and he was out of the + question until after my refusal. + </p> + <p> + The answer from Grimm was slow incoming; it was singular enough, on + which account I will here transcribe it. + </p> + <p> + "The departure of Madam d'Epinay is postponed; her son is ill, and it is + necessary to wait until his health is re-established. I will consider + the contents of your letter. Remain quiet at your Hermitage. I will send + you my opinion as soon as this shall be necessary. As she will certainly + not set off for some days, there is no immediate occasion for it. In the + meantime you may, if you think proper, make her your offers, although + this to me seems a matter of indifference. For, knowing your situation + as well as you do yourself, I doubt not of her returning to your offer + such an answer as she ought to do; and all the advantage which, in my + opinion, can result from this, will be your having it in your power to + say to those by whom you may be importuned, that your not being of the + travelling party was not for want of having made your offers to that + effect. Moreover, I do not see why you will absolutely have it that the + philosopher is the speaking-trumpet of all the world, nor because he is + of opinion you ought to go, why you should imagine all your friends + think as he does? If you write to Madam d'Epinay, her answer will be + yours to all your friends, since you have it so much at heart to give + them all an answer. Adieu. I embrace Madam le Vasseur and the Criminal." + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [M. le Vasseur, whose wife governed him rather rudely, called her the + Lieutenant Criminal. Grimm in a joke gave the same name to the + daughter, and by way of abridgment was pleased to retrench the first + word.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + Struck with astonishment at reading this letter I vainly endeavored to + find out what it meant. How! instead of answering me with simplicity, he + took time to consider of what I had written, as if the time he had + already taken was not sufficient! He intimates even the state of + suspense in which he wishes to keep me, as if a profound problem was to + be resolved, or that it was of importance to his views to deprive me of + every means of comprehending his intentions until the moment he should + think proper to make them known. What therefore did he mean by these + precautions, delays, and mysteries? Was this manner of acting consistent + with honor and uprightness? I vainly sought for some favorable + interpretation of his conduct; it was impossible to find one. Whatever + his design might be, were this inimical to me, his situation facilitated + the execution of it without its being possible for me in mine to oppose + the least obstacle. In favor in the house of a great prince, having an + extensive acquaintance, and giving the tone to common circles of which + he was the oracle, he had it in his power, with his usual address, to + dispose everything in his favor; and I, alone in my Hermitage, far + removed from all society, without the benefit of advice, and having no + communication with the world, had nothing to do but to remain in peace. + All I did was to write to Madam d'Epinay upon the illness of her son, as + polite a letter as could be written, but in which I did not fall into + the snare of offering to accompany her to Geneva. + </p> + <p> + After waiting for a long time in the most cruel uncertainty, into which + that barbarous man had plunged me, I learned, at the expiration of eight + or ten days, that Madam d'Epinay was setoff, and received from him a + second letter. It contained not more than seven or eight lines which I + did not entirely read. It was a rupture, but in such terms as the most + infernal hatred only can dictate, and these became unmeaning by the + excessive degree of acrimony with which he wished to charge them. He + forbade me his presence as he would have forbidden me his states. All + that was wanting to his letter to make it laughable, was to be read over + with coolness. Without taking a copy of it, or reading the whole of the + contents, I returned it him immediately, accompanied by the following + note: + </p> + <p> + "I refused to admit the force of the just reasons I had of suspicion: I + now, when it is too late, am become sufficiently acquainted with your + character. + </p> + <p> + "This then is the letter upon which you took time to meditate: I return + it to you, it is not for me. You may show mine to the whole world and + hate me openly; this on your part will be a falsehood the less." + </p> + <p> + My telling he might show my preceding letter related to an article in + his by which his profound address throughout the whole affair will be + judged of. + </p> + <p> + I have observed that my letter might inculpate me in the eyes of persons + unacquainted with the particulars of what had passed. This he was + delighted to discover; but how was he to take advantage of it without + exposing himself? By showing the letter he ran the risk of being + reproached with abusing the confidence of his friend. + </p> + <p> + To relieve himself from this embarrassment he resolved to break with me + in the most violent manner possible, and to set forth in his letter the + favor he did me in not showing mine. He was certain that in my + indignation and anger I should refuse his feigned discretion, and permit + him to show my letter to everybody; this was what he wished for, and + everything turned out as he expected it would. He sent my letter all + over Paris, with his own commentaries upon it, which, however, were not + so successful as he had expected them to be. It was not judged that the + permission he had extorted to make my letter public exempted him from + the blame of having so lightly taken me at my word to do me an injury. + People continually asked what personal complaints he had against me to + authorize so violent a hatred. Finally, it was thought that if even my + behavior had been such as to authorize him to break with me, friendship, + although extinguished, had rights which he ought to have respected. But + unfortunately the inhabitants of Paris are frivolous; remarks of the + moment are soon forgotten; the absent and unfortunate are neglected; the + man who prospers secures favor by his presence; the intriguing and + malicious support each other, renew their vile efforts, and the effects + of these, incessantly succeeding each other, efface everything by which + they were preceded. + </p> + <p> + Thus, after having so long deceived me, this man threw aside his mask; + convinced that, in the state to which he had brought things, he no + longer stood in need of it. Relieved from the fear of being unjust + towards the wretch, I left him to his reflections, and thought no more + of him. A week afterwards I received an answer from Madam d'Epinay, + dated from Geneva. I understood from the manner of her letter, in which + for the first time in her life, she put on airs of state with me, that + both depending but little upon the success of their measures, and + considering me a man inevitably lost, their intentions were to give + themselves the pleasure of completing my destruction. + </p> + <p> + In fact, my situation was deplorable. I perceived all my friends + withdrew themselves from me without knowing how or for why. Diderot, who + boasted of the continuation of his attachment, and who, for three months + past, had promised me a visit, did not come. The winter began to make + its appearance, and brought with it my habitual disorders. My + constitution, although vigorous, had been unequal to the combat of so + many opposite passions. I was so exhausted that I had neither strength + nor courage sufficient to resist the most trifling indisposition. Had my + engagements; and the continued remonstrances of Diderot and Madam de + Houdetot then permitted me to quit the Hermitage, I knew not where to + go, nor in what manner to drag myself along. I remained stupid and + immovable. The idea alone of a step to take, a letter to write, or a + word to say, made me tremble. I could not however do otherwise than + reply to the letter of Madam d'Epinay without acknowledging myself to be + worthy of the treatment with which she and her friend overwhelmed me. I + determined upon notifying to her my sentiments and resolutions, not + doubting a moment that from humanity, generosity, propriety, and the + good manner of thinking, I imagined I had observed in her, + notwithstanding her bad one, she would immediately subscribe to them. My + letter was as follows: + </p> + <br /> + <p> + HERMITAGE 23d NOV., 1757. + </p> + <p> + "Were it possible to die of grief I should not now be alive. + </p> + <p> + "But I have at length determined to triumph over everything. Friendship, + madam, is extinguished between us, but that which no longer exists still + has its rights, and I respect them. + </p> + <p> + "I have not forgotten your goodness to me, and you may, on my part, + expect as much gratitude as it is possible to have towards a person I no + longer can love. All further explanation would be useless. I have in my + favor my own conscience, and I return you your letter. + </p> + <p> + "I wished to quit the Hermitage, and I ought to have done it. My friends + pretend I must stay there until spring; and since my friends desire it I + will remain there until that season if you will consent to my stay." + </p> + <p> + After writing and despatching this letter all I thought of was remaining + quiet at the Hermitage and taking care of my health; of endeavoring to + recover my strength, and taking measures to remove in the spring without + noise or making the rupture public. But these were not the intentions + either of Grimm or Madam d'Epinay, as it will presently appear. + </p> + <p> + A few days afterwards, I had the pleasure of receiving from Diderot the + visit he had so frequently promised, and in which he had as constantly + failed. He could not have come more opportunely; he was my oldest + friend: almost the only one who remained to me; the pleasure I felt in + seeing him, as things were circumstanced, may easily be imagined. My + heart was full, and I disclosed it to him. I explained to him several + facts which either had not come to his knowledge, or had been disguised + or suppressed. I informed him, as far as I could do it with propriety, + of all that had passed. I did not affect to conceal from him that with + which he was but too well acquainted, that a passion equally + unreasonable and unfortunate, had been the cause of my destruction; but + I never acknowledged that Madam d'Houdetot had been made acquainted with + it, or at least that I had declared it to her. I mentioned to him the + unworthy manoeuvres of Madam d' Epinay to intercept the innocent letters + her sister-in-law wrote to me. I was determined he should hear the + particulars from the mouth of the persons whom she had attempted to + seduce. Theresa related them with great precision; but what was my + astonishment when the mother came to speak, and I heard her declare and + maintain that nothing of this had come to her knowledge? These were her + words from which she would never depart. Not four days before she + herself had recited to me all the particulars Theresa had just stated, + and in presence of my friend she contradicted me to my face. This, to + me, was decisive, and I then clearly saw my imprudence in having so long + a time kept such a woman near me. I made no use of invective; I scarcely + deigned to speak to her a few words of contempt. I felt what I owed to + the daughter, whose steadfast uprightness was a perfect contrast to the + base monoeuvres of the mother. But from the instant my resolution was + taken relative to the old woman, and I waited for nothing but the moment + to put it into execution. + </p> + <p> + This presented itself sooner than I expected. On the 10th of December I + received from Madam d'Epinay the following answer to my preceding + letter: + </p> + <br /> + <p> + GENEVA, 1st December, 1757. + </p> + <p> + "After having for several years given you every possible mark of + friendship all I can now do is to pity you. You are very unhappy. I wish + your conscience may be as calm as mine. This may be necessary to the + repose of your whole life. + </p> + <p> + "Since you are determined to quit the Hermitage, and are persuaded that + you ought to do it, I am astonished your friends have prevailed upon you + to stay there. For my part I never consult mine upon my duty, and I have + nothing further to say to you upon your own." + </p> + <p> + Such an unforeseen dismission, and so fully pronounced, left me not a + moment to hesitate. It was necessary to quit immediately, let the + weather and my health be in what state they might, although I were to + sleep in the woods and upon the snow, with which the ground was then + covered, and in defiance of everything Madam d'Houdetot might say; for I + was willing to do everything to please her except render myself + infamous. + </p> + <p> + I never had been so embarrassed in my whole life as I then was; but my + resolution was taken. I swore, let what would happen, not to sleep at + the Hermitage on the night of that day week. I began to prepare for + sending away my effects, resolving to leave them in the open field + rather than not give up the key in the course of the week: for I was + determined everything should be done before a letter could be written to + Geneva, and an answer to it received. I never felt myself so inspired + with courage: I had recovered all my strength. Honor and indignation, + upon which Madam d'Epinay had not calculated, contributed to restore me + to vigor. Fortune aided my audacity. M. Mathas, fiscal procurer, heard + of my embarrasament. He sent to offer me a little house he had in his + garden of Mont Louis, at Montmorency. I accepted it with eagerness and + gratitude. The bargain was soon concluded: I immediately sent to + purchase a little furniture to add to that we already had. My effects I + had carted away with a deal of trouble, and a great expense: + notwithstanding the ice and snow my removal was completed in a couple of + days, and on the fifteenth of December I gave up the keys of the + Hermitage, after having paid the wages of the gardener, not being able + to pay my rent. + </p> + <p> + With respect to Madam le Vasseur, I told her we must part; her daughter + attempted to make me renounce my resolution, but I was inflexible. I + sent her off, to Paris in a carriage of the messenger with all the + furniture and effects she and her daughter had in common. I gave her + some money, and engaged to pay her lodging with her children, or + elsewhere to provide for her subsistence as much as it should be + possible for me to do it, and never to let her want bread as long as I + should have it myself. + </p> + <p> + Finally the day after my arrival at Mont Louis, I wrote to Madam + d'Epinay the following letter: + </p> + <br /> + <p> + MONTMORENCY, 17th December 1757. + </p> + <p> + "Nothing, madam, is so natural and necessary as to leave your house the + moment you no longer approve of my remaining there. Upon you refusing + your consent to my passing the rest of the winter at the Hermitage I + quitted it on the fifteenth of December. My destiny was to enter it in + spite of myself and to leave it the same. I thank you for the residence + you prevailed upon me to make there, and I would thank you still more + had I paid for it less dear. You are right in believing me unhappy; + nobody upon earth knows better than yourself to what a degree I must be + so. If being deceived in the choice of our friends be a misfortune, it + is another not less cruel to recover from so pleasing an error." + </p> + <p> + Such is the faithful narrative of my residence at the Hermitage, and of + the reasons which obliged me to leave it. I could not break off the + recital, it was necessary to continue it with the greatest exactness; + this epoch of my life having had upon the rest of it an influence which + will extend to my latest remembrance. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="pb156" id="pb156"></a> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="pb156.jpg (99K)" src="images/pb156.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="link10"></a> <br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK X. + </h1> + <br /><br /> + <p> + The extraordinary degree of strength a momentary effervescence had given + me to quit the Hermitage, left me the moment I was out of it. I was + scarcely established in my new habitation before I frequently suffered + from retentions, which were accompanied by a new complaint; that of a + rupture, from which I had for some time, without knowing what it was, + felt great inconvenience. I soon was reduced to the most cruel state. + The physician Thieiry, my old friend, came to see me, and made me + acquainted with my situation. The sight of all the apparatus of the + infirmities of years, made me severely feel that when the body is no + longer young, the heart is not so with impunity. The fine season did not + restore me, and I passed the whole year, 1758, in a state of languor, + which made me think I was almost at the end of my career. I saw, with + impatience, the closing scene approach. Recovered from the chimeras of + friendship, and detached from everything which had rendered life + desirable to me, I saw nothing more in it that could make it agreeable; + all I perceived was wretchedness and misery, which prevented me from + enjoying myself. I sighed after the moment when I was to be free and + escape from my enemies. But I must follow the order of events. + </p> + <p> + My retreat to Montmorency seemed to disconcert Madam d'Epinay; probably + she did not expect it. My melancholy situation, the severity of the + season, the general dereliction of me by my friends, all made her and + Grimm believe, that by driving me to the last extremity, they should + oblige me to implore mercy, and thus, by vile meanness, render myself + contemptible, to be suffered to remain in an asylum which honor + commanded me to leave. I left it so suddenly that they had not time to + prevent the step from being taken, and they were reduced to the + alternative of double or quit, to endeavor to ruin me entirely, or to + prevail upon me to return. Grimm chose the former; but I am of opinion + Madam d'Epinay would have preferred the latter, and this from her answer + to my last letter, in which she seemed to have laid aside the airs she + had given herself in the preceding ones, and to give an opening to an + accommodation. The long delay of this answer, for which she made me wait + a whole month, sufficiently indicates the difficulty she found in giving + it a proper turn, and the deliberations by which it was preceded. She + could not make any further advances without exposing herself; but after + her former letters, and my sudden retreat from her house, it is + impossible not to be struck with the care she takes in this letter not + to suffer an offensive expression to escape her. I will copy it at + length to enable my reader to judge of what she wrote: + </p> + <br /> + <p> + GENEVA, January 17, 1758. + </p> + <p> + "SIR: I did not receive your letter of the 17th of December until + yesterday. It was sent me in a box filled with different things, and + which has been all this time upon the road. I shall answer only the + postscript. You may recollect, sir, that we agreed the wages of the + gardener of the Hermitage should pass through your hands, the better to + make him feel that he depended upon you, and to avoid the ridiculous and + indecent scenes which happened in the time of his predecessor. As a + proof of this, the first quarter of his wages were given to you, and a + few days before my departure we agreed I should reimburse you what you + had advanced. I know that of this you, at first, made some difficulty; + but I had desired you to make these advances; it was natural I should + acquit myself towards you, and this we concluded upon. Cahouet informs + me that you refused to receive the money. There is certainly some + mistake in the matter. I have given orders that it may again be offered + to you, and I see no reason for your wishing to pay my gardener, + notwithstanding our conventions, and beyond the term even of your + inhabiting the Hermitage. I therefore expect, sir, that recollecting + everything I have the honor to state, you will not refuse to be + reimbursed for the sums you have been pleased to advance for me." + </p> + <p> + After what had passed, not having the least confidence in Madam d' + Epinay, I was unwilling to renew my connection with her; I returned no + answer to this letter, and there our correspondence ended. Perceiving I + had taken my resolution, she took hers; and, entering into all the views + of Grimm and the Coterie Holbachique, she united her efforts with theirs + to accomplish my destruction. Whilst they manoevured at Paris, she did + the same at Geneva. Grimm, who afterwards went to her there, completed + what she had begun. Tronchin, whom they had no difficulty in gaining + over, seconded them powerfully, and became the most violent of my + persecutors, without having against me, any more than Grimm had, the + least subject of complaint. They all three spread in silence that of + which the effects were seen there four years afterwards. + </p> + <p> + They had more trouble at Paris, where I was better known to the + citizens, whose hearts, less disposed to hatred, less easily received + its impressions. The better to direct their blow, they began by giving + out that it was I who had left them. Thence, still feigning to be my + friends, they dexterously spread their malignant accusations by + complaining of the injustice of their friend. Their auditors, thus + thrown off their guard, listened more attentively to what was said of + me, and were inclined to blame my conduct. The secret accusations of + perfidy and ingratitude were made with greater precaution, and by that + means with greater effect. I knew they imputed to me the most atrocious + crimes without being able to learn in what these consisted. All I could + infer from public rumor was that this was founded upon the four + following capital offences: my retiring to the country; my passion for + Madam d'Houdetot; my refusing to accompany Madam d'Epinay to Geneva, and + my leaving the Hermitage. If to these they added other griefs, they took + their measures so well that it has hitherto been impossible for me to + learn the subject of them. + </p> + <p> + It is therefore at this period that I think I may fix the establishment + of a system, since adopted by those by whom my fate has been determined, + and which has made such a progress as will seem miraculous to persons + who know not with what facility everything which favors the malignity of + man is established. I will endeavor to explain in a few words what to me + appeared visible in this profound and obscure system. + </p> + <p> + With a name already distinguished and known throughout all Europe, I had + still preserved my primitive simplicity. My mortal aversion to all party + faction and cabal had kept me free and independent, without any other + chain than the attachments of my heart. Alone, a stranger, without + family or fortune, and unconnected with everything except my principles + and duties, I intrepidly followed the paths of uprightness, never + flattering or favoring any person at the expense of truth and justice. + Besides, having lived for two years past in solitude, without observing + the course of events, I was unconnected with the affairs of the world, + and not informed of what passed, nor desirous of being acquainted with + it. I lived four leagues from Paris as much separated from that. capital + by my negligence as I should have been in the Island of Tinian by the + sea. + </p> + <p> + Grimm, Diderot and D'Holbach were, on the contrary, in the centre of the + vortex, lived in the great world, and divided amongst them almost all + the spheres of it. The great wits, men of letters, men of long robe, and + women, all listened to them when they chose to act in concert. The + advantage three men in this situation united must have over a fourth in + mine, cannot but already appear. It is true Diderot and D'Holbach were + incapable, at least I think so, of forming black conspiracies; one of + them was not base enough, nor the other sufficiently able; but it was + for this reason that the party was more united. Grimm alone formed his + plan in his own mind, and discovered more of it than was necessary to + induce his associates to concur in the execution. The ascendency he had + gained over them made this quite easy, and the effect of the whole + answered to the superiority of his talents. + </p> + <p> + It was with these, which were of a superior kind, that, perceiving the + advantage he might acquire from our respective situations, he conceived + the project of overturning my reputation, and, without exposing himself, + of giving me one of a nature quite opposite, by raising up about me an + edifice of obscurity which it was impossible for me to penetrate, and by + that means throw a light upon his manoevures and unmask him. + </p> + <p> + This enterprise was difficult, because it was necessary to palliate the + iniquity in the eyes of those of whose assistance he stood in need. He + had honest men to deceive, to alienate from me the good opinion of + everybody, and to deprive me of all my friends. What say I? He had to + cut off all communication with me, that not a single word of truth might + reach my ears. Had a single man of generosity come and said to me, "You + assume the appearance of virtue, yet this is the manner in which you are + treated, and these the circumstances by which you are judged: what have + you to say?" truth would have triumphed and Grimm have been undone. Of + this he was fully convinced; but he had examined his own heart and + estimated men according to their merit. I am sorry, for the honor of + humanity, that he judged with so much truth. + </p> + <p> + In these dark and crooked paths his steps to be the more sure were + necessarily slow. He has for twelve years pursued his plan and the most + difficult part of the execution of it is still to come; this is to + deceive the public entirely. He is afraid of this public, and dares not + lay his conspiracy open. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [Since this was written he has made the dangerous step with the + fullest and most inconceivable success. I am of opinion it was + Tronchin who inspired him with courage, and supplied him with the + means.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + But he has found the easy means of accompanying it with power, and this + power has the disposal of me. Thus supported he advances with less + danger. The agents of power piquing themselves but little on + uprightness, and still less on candor, he has no longer the indiscretion + of an honest man to fear. His safety is in my being enveloped in an + impenetrable obscurity, and in concealing from me his conspiracy, well + knowing that with whatever art he may have formed it, I could by a + single glance of the eye discover the whole. His great address consists + in appearing to favor whilst he defames me, and in giving to his perfidy + an air of generosity. + </p> + <p> + I felt the first effects of this system by the secret accusations of the + Coterie Holbachiens without its being possible for me to know in what + the accusations consisted, or to form a probable conjecture as to the + nature of them. De Leyre informed me in his letters that heinous things + were attributed to me. Diderot more mysteriously told me the same thing, + and when I came to an explanation with both, the whole was reduced to + the heads of accusation of which I have already spoken. I perceived a + gradual increase of coolness in the letters from Madam d'Houdetot. This + I could not attribute to Saint Lambert; he continued to write to me with + the same friendship, and came to see me after his return. It was also + impossible to think myself the cause of it, as we had separated well + satisfied with each other, and nothing since that time had happened on + my part, except my departure from the Hermitage, of which she felt the + necessity. Therefore, not knowing whence this coolness, which she + refused to acknowledge, although my heart was not to be deceived, could + proceed, I was uneasy upon every account. I knew she greatly favored her + sister-in-law and Grimm, in consequence of their connections with Saint + Lambert; and I was afraid of their machinations. This agitation opened + my wounds, and rendered my correspondence so disagreeable as quite to + disgust her with it. I saw, as at a distance, a thousand cruel + circumstances, without discovering anything distinctly. I was in a + situation the most insupportable to a man whose imagination is easily + heated. Had I been quite retired from the world, and known nothing of + the matter I should have become more calm; but my heart still clung to + attachments, by means of which my enemies had great advantages over me; + and the feeble rays which penetrated my asylum conveyed to me nothing + more than a knowledge of the blackness of the mysteries which were + concealed from my eyes. + </p> + <p> + I should have sunk, I have not a doubt of it, under these torments, too + cruel and insupportable to my open disposition, which, by the + impossibility of concealing my sentiments, makes me fear everything from + those concealed from me, if fortunately objects sufficiently interesting + to my heart to divert it from others with which, in spite of myself, my + imagination was filled, had not presented themselves. In the last visit + Diderot paid me, at the Hermitage, he had spoken of the article + 'Geneva', which D'Alembert had inserted in the 'Encyclopedie'; he had + informed me that this article, concerted with people of the first + consideration, had for object the establishment of a theatre at Geneva, + that measures had been taken accordingly, and that the establishment + would soon take place. As Diderot seemed to think all this very proper, + and did not doubt of the success of the measure, and as I had besides to + speak to him upon too many other subjects to touch upon that article, I + made him no answer: but scandalized at these preparatives to corruption + and licentiousness in my country, I waited with impatience for the + volume of the 'Encyclopedie', in which the article was inserted; to see + whether or not it would be possible to give an answer which might ward + off the blow. I received the volume soon after my establishment at Mont + Louis, and found the articles to be written with much art and address, + and worthy of the pen whence it proceeded. This, however, did not abate + my desire to answer it, and notwithstanding the dejection of spirits I + then labored under, my griefs and pains, the severity of the season, and + the inconvenience of my new abode, in which I had not yet had time to + arrange myself, I set to work with a zeal which surmounted every + obstacle. + </p> + <p> + In a severe winter, in the month of February, and in the situation I + have described, I went every day, morning and evening, to pass a couple + of hours in an open alcove which was at the bottom of the garden in + which my habitation stood. This alcove, which terminated an alley of a + terrace, looked upon the valley and the pond of Montmorency, and + presented to me, as the closing point of a prospect, the plain but + respectable castle of St. Gratien, the retreat of the virtuous Catinat. + It was in this place, then, exposed to freezing cold, that without being + sheltered from the wind and snow, and having no other fire than that in + my heart; I composed, in the space of three weeks, my letter to + D'Alembert on theatres. It was in this, for my 'Eloisa' was not then + half written, that I found charms in philosophical labor. Until then + virtuous indignation had been a substitute to Apollo, tenderness and a + gentleness of mind now became so. The injustice I had been witness to + had irritated me, that of which I became the object rendered me + melancholy; and this melancholy without bitterness was that of a heart + too tender and affectionate, and which, deceived by those in whom it had + confided, was obliged to remain concentred. Full of that which had + befallen me, and still affected by so many violent emotions, my heart + added the sentiment of its sufferings to the ideas with which a + meditation on my subject had inspired me; what I wrote bore evident + marks of this mixture. Without perceiving it I described the situation I + was then in, gave portraits of Grimm, Madam d'Epinay, Madam d' Houdetot, + Saint Lambert and myself. What delicious tears did I shed as I wrote! + Alas! in these descriptions there are proofs but too evident that love, + the fatal love of which I made such efforts to cure myself, still + remained in my heart. With all this there was a certain sentiment of + tenderness relative to myself; I thought I was dying, and imagined I bid + the public my last adieu. Far from fearing death, I joyfully saw it + approach; but I felt some regret at leaving my fellow creatures without + their having perceived my real merit, and being convinced how much I + should have deserved their esteem had they known me better. These are + the secret causes of the singular manner in which this work, opposite to + that of the work by which it was preceded, is written.—[Discours + sur l'Inegalite. Discourse on the Inequality of Mankind.] + </p> + <p> + I corrected and copied the letter, and was preparing to print it when, + after a long silence, I received one from Madam d'Houdetot, which + brought upon me a new affliction more painful than any I had yet + suffered. She informed me that my passion for her was known to all + Paris, that I had spoken of it to persons who had made it public, that + this rumor, having reached the ears of her lover, had nearly cost him + his life; yet he did her justice, and peace was restored between them; + but on his account, as well as on hers, and for the sake of her + reputation, she thought it her duty to break off all correspondence with + me, at the same time assuring me that she and her friend were both + interested in my welfare, that they would defend me to the public, and + that she herself would, from time to time, send to inquire after my + health. + </p> + <p> + "And thou also, Diderot," exclaimed I, "unworthy friend!" + </p> + <p> + I could not, however, yet resolve to condemn him. My weakness was known + to others who might have spoken of it. I wished to doubt, but this was + soon out of my power. Saint Lambert shortly after performed an action + worthy of himself. Knowing my manner of thinking, he judged of the state + in which I must be; betrayed by one part of my friends and forsaken by + the other. He came to see me. The first time he had not many moments to + spare. He came again. Unfortunately, not expecting him, I was not at + home. Theresa had with him a conversation of upwards of two hours, in + which they informed each other of facts of great importance to us all. + The surprise with which I learned that nobody doubted of my having lived + with Madam d'Epinay, as Grimm then did, cannot be equalled, except by + that of Saint Lambert, when he was convinced that the rumor was false. + He, to the great dissatisfaction of the lady, was in the same situation + with myself, and the eclaircissements resulting from the conversation + removed from me all regret, on account of my having broken with her + forever. Relative to Madam d'Houdetot, he mentioned several + circumstances with which neither Theresa nor Madam d'Houdetot herself + were acquainted; these were known to me only in the first instance, and + I had never mentioned them except to Diderot, under the seal of + friendship; and it was to Saint Lambert himself to whom he had chosen to + communicate them. This last step was sufficient to determine me. I + resolved to break with Diderot forever, and this without further + deliberation, except on the manner of doing it; for I had perceived + secret ruptures turned to my prejudice, because they left the mask of + friendship in possession of my most cruel enemies. + </p> + <p> + The rules of good breeding, established in the world on this head, seem + to have been dictated by a spirit of treachery and falsehood. To appear + the friend of a man when in reality we are no longer so, is to reserve + to ourselves the means of doing him an injury by surprising honest men + into an error. I recollected that when the illustrious Montesquieu broke + with Father de Tournemine, he immediately said to everybody: "Listen + neither to Father Tournemine nor myself, when we speak of each other, + for we are no longer friends." This open and generous proceeding was + universally applauded. I resolved to follow the example with Diderot; + but what method was I to take to publish the rupture authentically from + my retreat, and yet without scandal? I concluded on inserting in the + form of a note, in my work, a passage from the book of Ecclesiasticus, + which declared the rupture and even the subject of it, in terms + sufficiently clear to such as were acquainted with the previous + circumstances, but could signify nothing to the rest of the world. I + determined not to speak in my work of the friend whom I renounced, + except with the honor always due to extinguished friendship. The whole + may be seen in the work itself. + </p> + <p> + There is nothing in this world but time and misfortune, and every act of + courage seems to be a crime in adversity. For that which has been + admired in Montesquieu, I received only blame and reproach. As soon as + my work was printed, and I had copies of it, I sent one to Saint + Lambert, who, the evening before, had written to me in his own name and + that of Madam d' Houdetot, a note expressive of the most tender + friendship. + </p> + <p> + The following is the letter he wrote to me when he returned the copy I + had sent him. + </p> + <br /> + <p> + EAUBONNE, 10th October, 1758. + </p> + <p> + "Indeed, sir, I cannot accept the present you have just made me. In that + part of your preface where, relative to Diderot, you quote a passage + from Ecclesiastes (he mistakes, it is from Ecclesiasticus) the book + dropped from my hand. In the conversations we had together in the + summer, you seemed to be persuaded Diderot was not guilty of the + pretended indiscretions you had imputed to him. You may, for aught I + know to the contrary, have reason to complain of him, but this does not + give you a right to insult him publicly. You are not unacquainted with + the nature of the persecutions he suffers, and you join the voice of an + old friend to that of envy. I cannot refrain from telling you, sir, how + much this heinous act of yours has shocked me. I am not acquainted with + Diderot, but I honor him, and I have a lively sense of the pain you give + to a man, whom, at least not in my hearing, you have never reproached + with anything more than a trifling weakness. You and I, sir, differ too + much in our principles ever to be agreeable to each other. Forget that I + exist; this you will easily do. I have never done to men either good or + evil of a nature to be long remembered. I promise you, sir, to forget + your person and to remember nothing relative to you but your talents." + </p> + <p> + This letter filled me with indignation and affliction; and, in the + excess of my pangs, feeling my pride wounded, I answered him by the + following note: + </p> + <br /> + <p> + MONTMORUNCY, 11th October, 1758. + </p> + <p> + "SIR: While reading your letter, I did you the honor to be surprised at + it, and had the weakness to suffer it to affect me; but I find it + unworthy of an answer. + </p> + <p> + "I will no longer continue the copies of Madam d'Houdetot. If it be not + agreeable to her to keep that she has, she may sent it me back and I + will return her money. If she keeps it, she must still send for the rest + of her paper and the money; and at the same time I beg she will return + me the prospectus which she has in her possession. Adieu, sir." + </p> + <p> + Courage under misfortune irritates the hearts of cowards, but it is + pleasing to generous minds. This note seemed to make Saint Lambert + reflect with himself and to regret his having been so violent; but too + haughty in his turn to make open advances, he seized and perhaps + prepared, the opportunity of palliating what he had done. + </p> + <p> + A fortnight afterwards I received from Madam d'Epinay the following + letter: + </p> + <br /> + <p> + Thursday, 26th. + </p> + <p> + "SIR: I received the book you had the goodness to send me, and which I + have read with much pleasure. I have always experienced the same + sentiment in reading all the works which have come from your pen. + Receive my thanks for the whole. I should have returned you these in + person had my affairs permitted me to remain any time in your + neighborhood; but I was not this year long at the Chevrette. M. and + Madam Dupin come there on Sunday to dinner. I expect M. de Saint + Lambert, M. de Francueil, and Madam d'Houdetot will be of the party; you + will do me much pleasure by making one also. All the persons who are to + dine with me, desire, and will, as well as myself, be delighted to pass + with you a part of the day. I have the honor to be with the most perfect + consideration," etc. + </p> + <p> + This letter made my heart beat violently; after having for a year past + been the subject of conversation of all Paris, the idea of presenting + myself as a spectacle before Madam d'Houdetot, made me tremble, and I + had much difficulty to find sufficient courage to support that ceremony. + Yet as she and Saint Lambert were desirous of it, and Madam d'Epinay + spoke in the name of her guests without naming one whom I should not be + glad to see, I did not think I should expose myself accepting a dinner + to which I was in some degree invited by all the persons who with myself + were to partake of it. I therefore promised to go: on Sunday the weather + was bad, and Madam D'Epinay sent me her carriage. + </p> + <p> + My arrival caused a sensation. I never met a better reception. An + observer would have thought the whole company felt how much I stood in + need of encouragement. None but French hearts are susceptible of this + kind of delicacy. However, I found more people than I expected to see. + Amongst others the Comte d' Houdetot, whom I did not know, and his + sister Madam de Blainville, without whose company I should have been as + well pleased. She had the year before came several times to Eaubonne, + and her sister-in-law had left her in our solitary walks to wait until + she thought proper to suffer her to join us. She had harbored a + resentment against me, which during this dinner she gratified at her + ease. The presence of the Comte d' Houdetot and Saint Lambert did not + give me the laugh on my side, and it may be judged that a man + embarrassed in the most common conversations was not very brilliant in + that which then took place. I never suffered so much, appeared so + awkward, or received more unexpected mortifications. As soon as we had + risen from table, I withdrew from that wicked woman; I had the pleasure + of seeing Saint Lambert and Madam de'Houdetot approach me, and we + conversed together a part of the afternoon, upon things very indifferent + it is true, but with the same familiarity as before my involuntary + error. This friendly attention was not lost upon my heart, and could + Saint Lambert have read what passed there, he certainly would have been + satisfied with it. I can safely assert that although on my arrival the + presence of Madam d'Houdetot gave me the most violent palpitations, on + returning from the house I scarcely thought of her; my mind was entirely + taken up with Saint Lambert. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding the malignant sarcasms of Madam de Blainville, the + dinner was of great service to me, and I congratulated myself upon not + having refused the invitation. I not only discovered that the intrigues + of Grimm and the Holbachiens had not deprived me of my old acquaintance, + but, what flattered me still more, that Madam d'Houdetot and Saint + Lambert were less changed than I had imagined, and I at length + understood that his keeping her at a distance from me proceeded more + from jealousy than from disesteem. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [Such is the simplicity of my heart was my opinion when I wrote these + confessions.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + This was a consolation to me, and calmed my mind. Certain of not being + an object of contempt in the eyes of persons whom I esteemed, I worked + upon my own heart with greater courage and success. If I did not quite + extinguish in it a guilty and an unhappy passion, I at least so well + regulated the remains of it that they have never since that moment led + me into the most trifling error. The copies of Madam d' Houdetot, which + she prevailed upon me to take again, and my works, which I continued to + send her as soon as they appeared, produced me from her a few notes and + messages, indifferent but obliging. She did still more, as will + hereafter appear, and the reciprocal conduct of her lover and myself, + after our intercourse had ceased, may serve as an example of the manner + in which persons of honor separate when it is no longer agreeable to + them to associate with each other. + </p> + <p> + Another advantage this dinner procured me was its being spoken of in + Paris, where it served as a refutation of the rumor spread by my + enemies, that I had quarrelled with every person who partook of it, and + especially with M. d'Epinay. When I left the Hermitage I had written him + a very polite letter of thanks, to which he answered not less politely, + and mutual civilities had continued, as well between us as between me + and M. de la Lalive, his brother-in-law, who even came to see me at + Montmorency, and sent me some of his engravings. Excepting the two + sisters-in-law of Madam d'Houdetot, I have never been on bad terms with + any person of the family. + </p> + <p> + My letter to D'Alembert had great success. All my works had been very + well received, but this was more favorable to me. It taught the public + to guard against the insinuations of the Coterie Holbachique. When I + went to the Hermitage, this Coterie predicted with its usual + sufficiency, that I should not remain there three months. When I had + stayed there twenty months, and was obliged to leave it, I still fixed + my residence in the country. The Coterie insisted this was from a motive + of pure obstinacy, and that I was weary even to death of my retirement; + but that, eaten up with pride, I chose rather to become a victim of my + stubbornness than to recover from it and return to Paris. The letter to + D'Alembert breathed a gentleness of mind which every one perceived not + to be affected. Had I been dissatisfied with my retreat, my style and + manner would have borne evident marks of my ill-humor. This reigned in + all the works I had written in Paris; but in the first I wrote in the + country not the least appearance of it was to be found. To persons who + knew how to distinguish, this remark was decisive. They perceived I was + returned to my element. + </p> + <p> + Yet the same work, notwithstanding all the mildness it breathed, made me + by a mistake of my own and my usual ill-luck, another enemy amongst men + of letters. I had become acquainted with Marmontel at the house of M. de + la Popliniere, and his acquaintance had been continued at that of the + baron. Marmontel at that time wrote the 'Mercure de France'. As I had + too much pride to send my works to the authors of periodical + publications, and wishing to send him this without his imagining it was + in consequence of that title, or being desirous he should speak of it in + the Mercure, I wrote upon the book that it was not for the author of the + Mercure, but for M. Marmontel. I thought I paid him a fine compliment; + he mistook it for a cruel offence, and became my irreconcilable enemy. + He wrote against the letter with politeness, it is true, but with a + bitterness easily perceptible, and since that time has never lost an + opportunity of injuring me in society, and of indirectly ill-treating me + in his works. Such difficulty is there in managing the irritable + self-love of men of letters, and so careful ought every person to be not + to leave anything equivocal in the compliments they pay them. + </p> + <p> + Having nothing more to disturb me, I took advantage of my leisure and + independence to continue my literary pursuits with more coherence. I + this winter finished my Eloisa, and sent it to Rey, who had it printed + the year following. I was, however, interrupted in my projects by a + circumstance sufficiently disagreeable. I heard new preparations were + making at the opera-house to give the 'Devin du Village'. Enraged at + seeing these people arrogantly dispose of my property, I again took up + the memoir I had sent to M. D'Argenson, to which no answer had been + returned, and having made some trifling alterations in it, I sent the + manuscript by M. Sellon, resident from Geneva, and a letter with which + he was pleased to charge himself, to the Comte de St. Florentin, who had + succeeded M. D'Argenson in the opera department. Duclos, to whom I + communicated what I had done, mentioned it to the 'petits violons', who + offered to restore me, not my opera, but my freedom of the theatre, + which I was no longer in a situation to enjoy. Perceiving I had not from + any quarter the least justice to expect, I gave up the affair; and the + directors of the opera, without either answering or listening to my + reasons, have continued to dispose as of their own property, and to turn + to their profit, the Devin du Village, which incontestably belong to + nobody but myself. + </p> + <p> + Since I had shaken off the yoke of my tyrants, I led a life sufficiently + agreeable and peaceful; deprived of the charm of too strong attachments + I was delivered from the weight of their chains. Disgusted with the + friends who pretended to be my protectors, and wished absolutely to + dispose of me at will, and in spite of myself, to subject me to their + pretended good services, I resolved in future to have no other + connections than those of simple benevolence. These, without the least + constraint upon liberty, constitute the pleasure of society, of which + equality is the basis. I had of them as many as were necessary to enable + me to taste of the charm of liberty without being subject to the + dependence of it; and as soon as I had made an experiment of this manner + of life, I felt it was the most proper to my age, to end my days in + peace, far removed from the agitations, quarrels and cavillings in which + I had just been half submerged. + </p> + <p> + During my residence at the Hermitage, and after my settlement at + Montmorency, I had made in the neighborhood some agreeable acquaintance, + and which did not subject me to any inconvenience. The principal of + these was young Loiseau de Mauleon, who, then beginning to plead at the + bar, did not yet know what rank he would one day hold there. I for my + part was not in the least doubt about the matter. I soon pointed out to + him the illustrious career in the midst of which he is now seen, and + predicted that, if he laid down to himself rigid rules for the choice of + causes, and never became the defender of anything but virtue and + justice, his genius, elevated by this sublime sentiment, would be equal + to that of the greatest orators. He followed my advice, and now feels + the good effects of it. His defence of M. de Portes is worthy of + Demosthenes. He came every year within a quarter of a league of the + Hermitage to pass the vacation at St. Brice, in the fife of Mauleon, + belonging to his mother, and where the great Bossuet had formerly + lodged. This is a fief, of which a like succession of proprietors would + render nobility difficult to support. + </p> + <p> + I had also for a neighbor in the same village of St. Brice, the + bookseller Guerin, a man of wit, learning, of an amiable disposition, + and one of the first in his profession. He brought me acquainted with + Jean Neaulme, bookseller of Amsterdam, his friend and correspondent, who + afterwards printed Emilius. + </p> + <p> + I had another acquaintance still nearer than St. Brice, this was M. + Maltor, vicar of Groslay, a man better adapted for the functions of a + statesman and a minister, than for those of the vicar of a village, and + to whom a diocese at least would have been given to govern if talents + decided the disposal of places. He had been secretary to the Comte de + Luc, and was formerly intimately acquainted with Jean Bapiste Rousseau. + Holding in as much esteem the memory of that illustrious exile, as he + held the villain who ruined him in horror; he possessed curious + anecdotes of both, which Segur had not inserted in the life, still in + manuscript, of the former, and he assured me that the Comte de Luc, far + from ever having had reason to complain of his conduct, had until his + last moment preserved for him the warmest friendship. M. Maltor, to whom + M. de Vintimille gave this retreat after the death of his patron, had + formerly been employed in many affairs of which, although far advanced + in years, he still preserved a distinct remembrance, and reasoned upon + them tolerably well. His conversation, equally amusing and instructive, + had nothing in it resembling that of a village pastor: he joined the + manners of a man of the world to the knowledge of one who passes his + life in study. He, of all my permanent neighbors, was the person whose + society was the most agreeable to me. + </p> + <p> + I was also acquainted at Montmorency with several fathers of the + oratory, and amongst others Father Berthier, professor of natural + philosophy; to whom, notwithstanding some little tincture of pedantry, I + become attached on account of a certain air of cordial good nature which + I observed in him. I had, however, some difficulty to reconcile this + great simplicity with the desire and the art he had of everywhere + thrusting himself into the company of the great, as well as that of the + women, devotees, and philosophers. He knew how to accommodate himself to + every one. I was greatly pleased with the man, and spoke of my + satisfaction to all my other acquaintances. Apparently what I said of + him came to his ear. He one day thanked me for having thought him a + good-natured man. I observed something in his forced smile which, in my + eyes, totally changed his physiognomy, and which has since frequently + occurred to my mind. I cannot better compare this smile than to that of + Panurge purchasing the Sheep of Dindenaut. Our acquaintance had begun a + little time after my arrival at the Hermitage, to which place he + frequently came to see me. I was already settled at Montmorency when he + left it to go and reside at Paris. He often saw Madam le Vasseur there. + One day, when I least expected anything of the kind, he wrote to me in + behalf of that woman, informing me that Grimm offered to maintain her, + and to ask my permission to accept the offer. This I understood + consisted in a pension of three hundred livres, and that Madam le + Vasseur was to come and live at Deuil, between the Chevrette and + Montmorency. I will not say what impression the application made on me. + It would have been less surprising had Grimm had ten thousand livres a + year, or any relation more easy to comprehend with that woman, and had + not such a crime been made of my taking her to the country, where, as if + she had become younger, he was now pleased to think of placing her. I + perceived the good old lady had no other reason for asking my + permission, which she might easily have done without, but the fear of + losing what I already gave her, should I think ill of the step she took. + Although this charity appeared to be very extraordinary, it did not + strike me so much then as afterwards. But had I known even everything I + have since discovered, I should still as readily have given my consent + as I did and was obliged to do, unless I had exceeded the offer of M. + Grimm. Father Berthier afterwards cured me a little of my opinion of his + good nature and cordiality, with which I had so unthinkingly charged + him. + </p> + <p> + This same Father Berthier was acquainted with two men, who, for what + reason I know not, were to become so with me; there was but little + similarity between their taste and mine. They were the children of + Melchisedec, of whom neither the country nor the family was known, no + more than, in all probability, the real name. They were Jansenists, and + passed for priests in disguise, perhaps on account of their ridiculous + manner of wearing long swords, to which they appeared to have been + fastened. The prodigious mystery in all their proceedings gave them the + appearance of the heads of a party, and I never had the least doubt of + their being the authors of the 'Gazette Ecclesiastique'. The one, tall, + smooth-tongued, and sharping, was named Ferrand; the other, short, + squat, a sneerer, and punctilious, was a M. Minard. They called each + other cousin. They lodged at Paris with D'Alembert, in the house of his + nurse named Madam Rousseau, and had taken at Montmorency a little + apartment to pass the summers there. They did everything for themselves, + and had neither a servant nor runner; each had his turn weekly to + purchase provisions, do the business of the kitchen, and sweep the + house. They managed tolerably well, and we sometimes ate with each + other. I know not for what reason they gave themselves any concern about + me: for my part, my only motive for beginning an acquaintance with them + was their playing at chess, and to make a poor little party I suffered + four hours' fatigue. As they thrust themselves into all companies, and + wished to intermeddle in everything, Theresa called them the gossips, + and by this name they were long known at Montmorency. + </p> + <p> + Such, with my host M. Mathas, who was a good man, were my principal + country acquaintance. I still had a sufficient number at Paris to live + there agreeably whenever I chose it, out of the sphere of men of + letters, amongst whom Duclos, was the only friend I reckoned: for De + Levre was still too young, and although, after having been a witness to + the manoeuvres of the philosophical tribe against me, he had withdrawn + from it, at least I thought so, I could not yet forget the facility with + which he made himself the mouthpiece of all the people of that + description. + </p> + <p> + In the first place I had my old and respectable friend Roguin. This was + a good old-fashioned friend for whom I was not indebted to my writings + but to myself, and whom for that reason I have always preserved. I had + the good Lenieps, my countryman, and his daughter, then alive, Madam + Lambert. I had a young Genevese, named Coindet, a good creature, + careful, officious, zealous, who came to see me soon after I had gone to + reside at the Hermitage, and, without any other introducer than himself, + had made his way into my good graces. He had a taste for drawing, and + was acquainted with artists. He was of service to me relative to the + engravings of the New Eloisa; he undertook the direction of the drawings + and the plates, and acquitted himself well of the commission. + </p> + <p> + I had free access to the house of M. Dupin, which, less brilliant than + in the young days of Madam Dupin, was still, by the merit of the heads + of the family, and the choice of company which assembled there, one of + the best houses in Paris. As I had not preferred anybody to them, and + had separated myself from their society to live free and independent, + they had always received me in a friendly manner, and I was always + certain of being well received by Madam Dupin. I might even have counted + her amongst my country neighbors after her establishment at Clichy, to + which place I sometimes went to pass a day or two, and where I should + have been more frequently had Madam Dupin and Madam de Chenonceaux been + upon better terms. But the difficulty of dividing my time in the same + house between two women whose manner of thinking was unfavorable to each + other, made this disagreeable: however I had the pleasure of seeing her + more at my ease at Deuil, where, at a trifling distance from me, she had + taken a small house, and even at my own habitation, where she often came + to see me. + </p> + <p> + I had likewise for a friend Madam de Crequi, who, having become devout, + no longer received D'Alembert, Marmontel, nor a single man of letters, + except, I believe the Abbe Trublet, half a hypocrite, of whom she was + weary. I, whose acquaintance she had sought lost neither her good wishes + nor intercourse. She sent me young fat pullets from Mons, and her + intention was to come and see me the year following had not a journey, + upon which Madam de Luxembourg determined, prevented her. I here owe her + a place apart; she will always hold a distinguished one in my + remembrance. + </p> + <p> + In this list I should also place a man whom, except Roguin, I ought to + have mentioned as the first upon it; my old friend and brother + politician, De Carrio, formerly titulary secretary to the embassy from + Spain to Venice, afterwards in Sweden, where he was charge des affaires, + and at length really secretary to the embassy from Spain at Paris. He + came and surprised me at Montmorency when I least expected him. He was + decorated with the insignia of a Spanish order, the name of which I have + forgotten, with a fine cross in jewelry. He had been obliged, in his + proofs of nobility, to add a letter to his name, and to bear that of the + Chevalier de Carrion. I found him still the same man, possessing the + same excellent heart, and his mind daily improving, and becoming more + and more amiable. We would have renewed our former intimacy had not + Coindet interposed according to custom, taken advantage of the distance + I was at from town to insinuate himself into my place, and, in my name, + into his confidence, and supplant me by the excess of his zeal to render + me services. + </p> + <p> + The remembrance of Carrion makes me recollect one of my country + neighbors, of whom I should be inexcusable not to speak, as I have to + make confession of an unpardonable neglect of which I was guilty towards + him: this was the honest M. le Blond, who had done me a service at + Venice, and, having made an excursion to France with his family, had + taken a house in the country, at Birche, not far from Montmorency. + </p> + <p> + [When I wrote this, full of my blind confidence, I was far from + suspecting the real motive and the effect of his journey to Paris.] + </p> + <p> + As soon as I heard he was my neighbor, I, in the joy of my heart, and + making it more a pleasure than a duty, went to pay him a visit. I set + off upon this errand the next day. I was met by people who were coming + to see me, and with whom I was obliged to return. Two days afterwards I + set off again for the same purpose: he had dined at Paris with all his + family. A third time he was at home: I heard the voice of women, and + saw, at the door, a coach which alarmed me. I wished to see him, at + least for the first time, quite at my ease, that we might talk over what + had passed during our former connection. + </p> + <p> + In fine, I so often postponed my visit from day to day, that the shame + of discharging a like duty so late prevented me from doing it at all; + after having dared to wait so long, I no longer dared to present myself. + This negligence, at which M. le Blond could not but be justly offended, + gave, relative to him, the appearance of ingratitude to my indolence, + and yet I felt my heart so little culpable that, had it been in my power + to do M. le Blond the least service, even unknown to himself, I am + certain he would not have found me idle. But indolence, negligence and + delay in little duties to be fulfilled have been more prejudicial to me + than great vices. My greatest faults have been omissions: I have seldom + done what I ought not to have done, and unfortunately it has still more + rarely happened that I have done what I ought. + </p> + <p> + Since I am now upon the subject of my Venetian acquaintance, I must not + forget one which I still preserved for a considerable time after my + intercourse with the rest had ceased. This was M. de Joinville, who + continued after his return from Genoa to show me much friendship. He was + fond of seeing me and of conversing with me upon the affairs of Italy, + and the follies of M. de Montaigu, of whom he of himself knew many + anecdotes, by means of his acquaintance in the office for foreign + affairs in which he was much connected. I had also the pleasure of + seeing at my house my old comrade Dupont who had purchased a place in + the province of which he was, and whose affairs had brought him to + Paris. M. de Joinville became by degrees so desirous of seeing me, that + he in some measure laid me under constraint; and, although our places of + residence were at a great distance from each other, we had a friendly + quarrel when I let a week pass without going to dine with him. When he + went to Joinville he was always desirous of my accompanying him; but + having once been there to pass a week I had not the least desire to + return. M. de Joinville was certainly an honest man, and even amiable in + certain respects but his understanding was beneath mediocrity; he was + handsome, rather fond of his person and tolerably fatiguing. He had one + of the most singular collections perhaps in the world, to which he gave + much of his attention and endeavored to acquire it that of his friends, + to whom it sometimes afforded less amusement than it did to himself. + This was a complete collection of songs of the court and Paris for + upwards of fifty years past, in which many anecdotes were to be found + that would have been sought for in vain elsewhere. These are memoirs for + the history of France, which would scarcely be thought of in any other + country. + </p> + <p> + One day, whilst we were still upon the very best terms, he received me + so coldly and in a manner so different from that which was customary to + him, that after having given him an opportunity to explain, and even + having begged him to do it, I left his house with a resolution, in which + I have persevered, never to return to it again; for I am seldom seen + where I have been once ill received, and in this case there was no + Diderot who pleaded for M. de Joinville. I vainly endeavored to discover + what I had done to offend him; I could not recollect a circumstance at + which he could possibly have taken offence. I was certain of never + having spoken of him or his in any other than in the most honorable + manner; for he had acquired my friendship, and besides my having nothing + but favorable things to say of him, my most inviolable maxim has been + that of never speaking but in an honorable manner of the houses I + frequented. + </p> + <p> + At length, by continually ruminating. I formed the following conjecture: + the last time we had seen each other, I had supped with him at the + apartment of some girls of his acquaintance, in company with two or + three clerks in the office of foreign affairs, very amiable men, and who + had neither the manner nor appearance of libertines; and on my part, I + can assert that the whole evening passed in making melancholy + reflections on the wretched fate of the creatures with whom we were. I + did not pay anything, as M. de Joinville gave the supper, nor did I make + the girls the least present, because I gave them not the opportunity I + had done to the padoana of establishing a claim to the trifle I might + have offered, We all came away together, cheerfully and upon very good + terms. Without having made a second visit to the girls, I went three or + four days afterwards to dine with M. de Joinville, whom I had not seen + during that interval, and who gave me the reception of which I have + spoken. Unable to suppose any other cause for it than some + misunderstanding relative to the supper, and perceiving he had no + inclination to explain, I resolved to visit him no longer, but I still + continued to send him my works: he frequently sent me his compliments, + and one evening, meeting him in the green-room of the French theatre, he + obligingly reproached me with not having called to see him, which, + however, did not induce me to depart from my resolution. Therefore this + affair had rather the appearance of a coolness than a rupture. However, + not having heard of nor seen him since that time, it would have been too + late after an absence of several years, to renew my acquaintance with + him. It is for this reason M. de Joinville is not named in my list, + although I had for a considerable time frequented his house. + </p> + <p> + I will not swell my catalogue with the names of many other persons with + whom I was or had become less intimate, although I sometimes saw them in + the country, either at my own house or that of some neighbor, such for + instance as the Abbes de Condillac and De Malby, M. de Mairan, De la + Lalive, De Boisgelou, Vatelet, Ancelet, and others. I will also pass + lightly over that of M. de Margency, gentleman in ordinary of the king, + an ancient member of the 'Coterie Holbachique', which he had quitted as + well as myself, and the old friend of Madam d'Epinay from whom he had + separated as I had done; I likewise consider that of M. Desmahis, his + friend, the celebrated but short-lived author of the comedy of the + Impertinent, of much the same importance. The first was my neighbor in + the country, his estate at Margency being near to Montmorency. We were + old acquaintances, but the neighborhood and a certain conformity of + experience connected us still more. The last died soon afterwards. He + had merit and even wit, but he was in some degree the original of his + comedy, and a little of a coxcomb with women, by whom he was not much + regretted. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="pb178" id="pb178"></a> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="pb178.jpg (106K)" src="images/pb178.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <p> + I cannot, however, omit taking notice of a new correspondence I entered + into at this period, which has had too much influence over the rest of + my life not to make it necessary for me to mark its origin. The person + in question is De Lamoignon de Malesherbes of the 'Cour des aides', then + censor of books, which office he exercised with equal intelligence and + mildness, to the great satisfaction of men of letters. I had not once + been to see him at Paris; yet I had never received from him any other + than the most obliging condescensions relative to the censorship, and I + knew that he had more than once very severely reprimanded persons who + had written against me. I had new proofs of his goodness upon the + subject of the edition of Eloisa. The proofs of so great a work being + very expensive from Amsterdam by post, he, to whom all letters were + free, permitted these to be addressed to him, and sent them to me under + the countersign of the chancellor his father. When the work was printed + he did not permit the sale of it in the kingdom until, contrary to my + wishes an edition had been sold for my benefit. As the profit of this + would on my part have been a theft committed upon Rey, to whom I had + sold the manuscript, I not only refused to accept the present intended + me, without his consent, which he very generously gave, but persisted + upon dividing with him the hundred pistoles (a thousand livres—forty + pounds), the amount of it but of which he would not receive anything. + For these hundred pistoles I had the mortification, against which M. de + Malesherbes had not guarded me, of seeing my work horribly mutilated, + and the sale of the good edition stopped until the bad one was entirely + disposed of. + </p> + <p> + I have always considered M. de Malesherbes as a man whose uprightness + was proof against every temptation. Nothing that has happened has even + made me doubt for a moment of his probity; but, as weak as he is polite, + he sometimes injures those he wishes to serve by the excess of his zeal + to preserve them from evil. He not only retrenched a hundred pages in + the edition of Paris, but he made another retrenchment, which no person + but the author could permit himself to do, in the copy of the good + edition he sent to Madam de Pompadour. It is somewhere said in that work + that the wife of a coal-heaver is more respectable than the mistress of + a prince. This phrase had occurred to me in the warmth of composition + without any application. In reading over the work I perceived it would + be applied, yet in consequence of the very imprudent maxim I had adopted + of not suppressing anything, on account of the application which might + be made, when my conscience bore witness to me that I had not made them + at the time I wrote, I determined not to expunge the phrase, and + contented myself with substituting the word Prince to King, which I had + first written. This softening did not seem sufficient to M. de + Malesherbes: he retrenched the whole expression in a new sheet which he + had printed on purpose and stuck in between the other with as much + exactness as possible in the copy of Madam de Pompadour. She was not + ignorant of this manoeuvre. Some good-natured people took the trouble to + inform her of it. For my part, it was not until a long time afterwards, + and when I began to feel the consequences of it, that the matter came to + my knowledge. + </p> + <p> + Is not this the origin of the concealed but implacable hatred of another + lady who was in a like situation, without my knowing it, or even being + acquainted with her person when I wrote the passage? When the book was + published the acquaintance was made, and I was very uneasy. I mentioned + this to the Chevalier de Lorenzy, who laughed at me, and said the lady + was so little offended that she had not even taken notice of the matter. + I believed him, perhaps rather too lightly, and made myself easy when + there was much reason for my being otherwise. + </p> + <p> + At the beginning of the winter I received an additional mark of the + goodness of M. de Malesherbes of which I was very sensible, although I + did not think proper to take advantage of it. A place was vacant in the + 'Journal des Savans'. Margency wrote to me, proposing to me the place, + as from himself. But I easily perceived from the manner of the letter + that he was dictated to and authorized; he afterwards told me he had + been desired to make me the offer. The occupations of this place were + but trifling. All I should have had to do would have been to make two + abstracts a month, from the books brought to me for that purpose, + without being under the necessity of going once to Paris, not even to + pay the magistrate a visit of thanks. By this employment I should have + entered a society of men of letters of the first merit; M. de Mairan, + Clairaut, De Guignes and the Abbe Barthelemi, with the first two of whom + I had already made an acquaintance, and that of the two others was very + desirable. In fine, for this trifling employment, the duties of which I + might so commodiously have discharged, there was a salary of eight + hundred livres (thirty-three pounds); I was for a few hours undecided, + and this from a fear of making Margency angry and displeasing M. de + Malesherbes. But at length the insupportable constraint of not having it + in my power to work when I thought proper, and to be commanded by time; + and moreover the certainty of badly performing the functions with which + I was to charge myself, prevailed over everything, and determined me to + refuse a place for which I was unfit. I knew that my whole talent + consisted in a certain warmth of mind with respect to the subjects of + what I had to treat, and that nothing but the love of that which was + great, beautiful and sublime, could animate my genius. What would the + subjects of the extracts I should have had to make from books, or even + the books themselves, have signified to me? My indifference about them + would have frozen my pen, and stupefied my mind. People thought I could + make a trade of writing, as most of the other men of letters did, + instead of which I never could write but from the warmth of imagination. + This certainly was not necessary for the 'Journal des Savans'. I + therefore wrote to Margency a letter of thanks, in the politest terms + possible, and so well explained to him my reasons, that it was not + possible that either he or M. de Malesherbes could imagine there was + pride or ill-humor in my refusal. They both approved of it without + receiving me less politely, and the secret was so well kept that it was + never known to the public. + </p> + <p> + The proposition did not come in a favorable moment. I had some time + before this formed the project of quitting literature, and especially + the trade of an author. I had been disgusted with men of letters by + everything that had lately befallen me, and had learned from experience + that it was impossible to proceed in the same track without having some + connections with them. I was not much less dissatisfied with men of the + world, and in general with the mixed life I had lately led, half to + myself and half devoted to societies for which I was unfit. I felt more + than ever, and by constant experience, that every unequal association is + disadvantageous to the weaker person. Living with opulent people, and in + a situation different from that I had chosen, without keeping a house as + they did, I was obliged to imitate them in many things; and little + expenses, which were nothing to their fortunes, were for me not less + ruinous than indispensable. Another man in the country-house of a + friend, is served by his own servant, as well at table as in his + chamber; he sends him to seek for everything he wants; having nothing + directly to do with the servants of the house, not even seeing them, he + gives them what he pleases, and when he thinks proper; but I, alone, and + without a servant, was at the mercy of the servants of the house, of + whom it was necessary to gain the good graces, that I might not have + much to suffer; and being treated as the equal of their master, I was + obliged to treat them accordingly, and better than another would have + done, because, in fact, I stood in greater need of their services. This, + where there are but few domestics, may be complied with; but in the + houses I frequented there were a great number, and the knaves so well + understood their interests that they knew how to make me want the + services of them all successively. The women of Paris, who have so much + wit, have no just idea of this inconvenience, and in their zeal to + economize my purse they ruined me. If I supped in town, at any + considerable distance from my lodgings, instead of permitting me to send + for a hackney coach, the mistress of the house ordered her horses to be + put to and sent me home in her carriage. She was very glad to save me + the twenty-four sous (shilling) for the fiacre, but never thought of the + half-crown I gave to her coachman and footman. If a lady wrote to me + from Paris to the Hermit age or to Montmorency, she regretted the four + sous (two pence) the postage of the letter would have cost me, and sent + it by one of her servants, who came sweating on foot, and to whom I gave + a dinner and half a crown, which he certainly had well earned. If she + proposed to me to pass with her a week or a fortnight at her + country-house, she still said to herself, "It will be a saving to the + poor man; during that time his eating will cost him nothing." She never + recollected that I was the whole time idle, that the expenses of my + family, my rent, linen and clothes were still going on, that I paid my + barber double that it cost me more being in her house than in my own, + and although I confined my little largesses to the house in which I + customarily lived, that these were still ruinous to me. I am certain I + have paid upwards of twenty-five crowns in the house of Madam + d'Houdetot, at Raubonne, where I never slept more than four or five + times, and upwards of a thousand livres (forty pounds) as well at Epinay + as at the Chevrette, during the five or six years I was most assiduous + there. These expenses are inevitable to a man like me, who knows not how + to provide anything for himself, and cannot support the sight of a + lackey who grumbles and serves him with a sour look. With Madam Dupin, + even where I was one of the family, and in whose house I rendered many + services to the servants, I never received theirs but for my money. In + course of time it was necessary to renounce these little liberalities, + which my situation no longer permitted me to bestow, and I felt still + more severely the inconvenience of associating with people in a + situation different from my own. + </p> + <p> + Had this manner of life been to my taste, I should have been consoled + for a heavy expense, which I dedicated to my pleasures; but to ruin + myself at the same time that I fatigued my mind, was insupportable, and + I had so felt the weight of this, that, profiting by the interval of + liberty I then had, I was determined to perpetuate it, and entirely to + renounce great companies, the composition of books, and all literary + concerns, and for the remainder of my days to confine myself to the + narrow and peaceful sphere in which I felt I was born to move. + </p> + <p> + The produce of this letter to D'Alembert, and of the New Elosia, had a + little improved the state of my finances, which had been considerably + exhausted at the Hermitage. Emilius, to which, after I had finished + Eloisa, I had given great application, was in forwardness, and the + produce of this could not be less than the sum of which I was already in + possession. I intended to place this money in such a manner as to + produce me a little annual income, which, with my copying, might be + sufficient to my wants without writing any more. I had two other works + upon the stocks. The first of these was my 'Institutions Politiques'. I + examined the state of this work, and found it required several years' + labor. I had not courage enough to continue it, and to wait until it was + finished before I carried my intentions into execution. Therefore, + laying the book aside, I determined to take from it all I could, and to + burn the rest; and continuing this with zeal without interrupting + Emilius, I finished the 'Contrat Social'. + </p> + <p> + The dictionary of music now remained. This was mechanical, and might be + taken up at any time; the object of it was entirely pecuniary. I + reserved to myself the liberty of laying it aside, or of finishing it at + my ease, according as my other resources collected should render this + necessary or superfluous. With respect to the 'Morale Sensitive', of + which I had made nothing more than a sketch, I entirely gave it up. + </p> + <p> + As my last project, if I found I could not entirely do without copying, + was that of removing from Paris, where the affluence of my visitors + rendered my housekeeping expensive, and deprived me of the time I should + have turned to advantage to provide for it; to prevent in my retirement + the state of lassitude into which an author is said to fall when he has + laid down his pen, I reserved to myself an occupation which might fill + up the void in my solitude without tempting me to print anything more. I + know not for what reason they had long tormented me to write the memoirs + of my life. Although these were not until that time interesting as to + the facts, I felt they might become so by the candor with which I was + capable of giving them, and I determined to make of these the only work + of the kind, by an unexampled veracity, that, for once at least, the + world might see a man such as he internally was. I had always laughed at + the false ingenuousness of Montaigne, who, feigning to confess his + faults, takes great care not to give himself any, except such as are + amiable; whilst I, who have ever thought, and still think myself, + considering everything, the best of men, felt there is no human being, + however pure he maybe, who does not internally conceal some odious vice. + I knew I was described to the public very different from what I really + was, and so opposite, that notwithstanding my faults, all of which I was + determined to relate, I could not but be a gainer by showing myself in + my proper colors. This, besides, not being to be done without setting + forth others also in theirs and the work for the same reason not being + of a nature to appear during my lifetime, and that of several other + persons, I was the more encouraged to make my confession, at which I + should never have to blush before any person. I therefore resolved to + dedicate my leisure to the execution of this undertaking, and + immediately began to collect such letters and papers as might guide or + assist my memory, greatly regretting the loss of all I had burned, + mislaid and destroyed. + </p> + <p> + The project of absolute retirement, one of the most reasonable I had + ever formed, was strongly impressed upon my mind, and for the execution + of it I was already taking measures, when Heaven, which prepared me a + different destiny, plunged me into a another vortex. + </p> + <p> + Montmorency, the ancient and fine patrimony of the illustrious family of + that name, was taken from it by confiscation. It passed by the sister of + Duke Henry, to the house of Conde, which has changed the name of + Montmorency to that of Enguien, and the duchy has no other castle than + an old tower, where the archives are kept, and to which the vassals come + to do homage. But at Montmorency, or Enguien, there is a private house, + built by Crosat, called 'le pauvre', which having the magnificence of + the most superb chateaux, deserves and bears the name of a castle. The + majestic appearance of this noble edifice, the view from it, not + equalled perhaps in any country; the spacious saloon, painted by the + hand of a master; the garden, planted by the celebrated Le Notre; all + combined to form a whole strikingly majestic, in which there is still a + simplicity that enforces admiration. The Marechal Duke de Luxembourg who + then inhabited this house, came every year into the neighborhood where + formerly his ancestors were the masters, to pass, at least, five or six + weeks as a private inhabitant, but with a splendor which did not + degenerate from the ancient lustre of his family. On the first journey + he made to it after my residing at Montmorency, he and his lady sent to + me a valet de chambre, with their compliments, inviting me to sup with + them as often as it should be agreeable to me; and at each time of their + coming they never failed to reiterate the same compliments and + invitation. This called to my recollection Madam Beuzenval sending me to + dine in the servants' hall. Times were changed; but I was still the same + man. I did not choose to be sent to dine in the servants' hall, and was + but little desirous of appearing at the table of the great I should have + been much better pleased had they left me as I was, without caressing me + and rendering me ridiculous. I answered politely and respectfully to + Monsieur and Madam de Luxembourg, but I did not accept their offers, and + my indisposition and timidity, with my embarrassment in speaking; making + me tremble at the idea alone of appearing in an assembly of people of + the court. I did not even go to the castle to pay a visit of thanks, + although I sufficiently comprehended this was all they desired, and that + their eager politeness was rather a matter of curiosity than + benevolence. + </p> + <p> + However, advances still were made, and even became more pressing. The + Countess de Boufflers, who was very intimate with the lady of the + marechal, sent to inquire after my health, and to beg I would go and see + her. I returned her a proper answer, but did not stir from my house. At + the journey of Easter, the year following, 1759, the Chevalier de + Lorenzy, who belonged to the court of the Prince of Conti, and was + intimate with Madam de Luxembourg, came several times to see me, and we + became acquainted; he pressed me to go to the castle, but I refused to + comply. At length, one afternoon, when I least expected anything of the + kind, I saw coming up to the house the Marechal de Luxembourg, followed + by five or six persons. There was now no longer any means of defence; + and I could not, without being arrogant and unmannerly, do otherwise + than return this visit, and make my court to Madam la Marechale, from + whom the marechal had been the bearer of the most obliging compliments + to me. Thus, under unfortunate auspices, began the connections from + which I could no longer preserve myself, although a too well-founded + foresight made me afraid of them until they were made. + </p> + <p> + I was excessively afraid of Madam de Luxembourg. I knew, she was amiable + as to manner. I had seen her several times at the theatre, and with the + Duchess of Boufflers, and in the bloom of her beauty; but she was said + to be malignant; and this in a woman of her rank made me tremble. I had + scarcely seen her before I was subjugated. I thought her charming, with + that charm proof against time and which had the most powerful action + upon my heart. I expected to find her conversation satirical and full of + pleasantries and points. It was not so; it was much better. The + conversation of Madam de Luxembourg is not remarkably full of wit; it + has no sallies, nor even finesse; it is exquisitely delicate, never + striking, but always pleasing. Her flattery is the more intoxicating as + it is natural; it seems to escape her involuntarily, and her heart to + overflow because it is too full. I thought I perceived, on my first + visit, that notwithstanding my awkward manner and embarrassed + expression, I was not displeasing to her. All the women of the court + know how to persuade us of this when they please, whether it be true or + not, but they do not all, like Madam de Luxembourg, possess the art of + rendering that persuasion so agreeable that we are no longer disposed + ever to have a doubt remaining. From the first day my confidence in her + would have been as full as it soon afterwards became, had not the + Duchess of Montmorency, her daughter-in-law, young, giddy, and malicious + also, taken it into her head to attack me, and in the midst of the + eulogiums of her mamma, and feigned allurements on her own account, made + me suspect I was only considered by them as a subject of ridicule. + </p> + <p> + It would perhaps have been difficult to relieve me from this fear with + these two ladies had not the extreme goodness of the marechal confirmed + me in the belief that theirs was not real. Nothing is more surprising, + considering my timidity, than the promptitude with which I took him at + his word on the footing of equality to which he would absolutely reduce + himself with me, except it be that with which he took me at mine with + respect to the absolute independence in which I was determined to live. + Both persuaded I had reason to be content with my situation, and that I + was unwilling to change it, neither he nor Madam de Luxembourg seemed to + think a moment of my purse or fortune; although I can have no doubt of + the tender concern they had for me, they never proposed to me a place + nor offered me their interest, except it were once, when Madam de + Luxembourg seemed to wish me to become a member of the French Academy. I + alleged my religion; this she told me was no obstacle, or if it was one + she engaged to remove it. I answered, that however great the honor of + becoming a member of so illustrious a body might be, having refused M. + de Tressan, and, in some measure, the King of Poland, to become a member + of the Academy at Nancy, I could not with propriety enter into any + other. Madam de Luxembourg did not insist, and nothing more was said + upon the subject. This simplicity of intercourse with persons of such + rank, and who had the power of doing anything in my favor, M. de + Luxembourg being, and highly deserving to be, the particular friend of + the king, affords a singular contrast with the continual cares, equally + importunate and officious, of the friends and protectors from whom I had + just separated, and who endeavored less to serve me than to render me + contemptible. + </p> + <p> + When the marechal came to see me at Mont Louis, I was uneasy at + receiving him and his retinue in my only chamber; not because I was + obliged to make them all sit down in the midst of my dirty plates and + broken pots, but on account of the state of the floor, which was rotten + and falling to ruin, and I was afraid the weight of his attendants would + entirely sink it. Less concerned on account of my own danger than for + that to which the affability of the marechal exposed him, I hastened to + remove him from it by conducting him, notwithstanding the coldness of + the weather, to my alcove, which was quite open to the air, and had no + chimney. When he was there I told him my reason for having brought him + to it; he told it to his lady, and they both pressed me to accept, until + the floor was repaired, a lodging of the castle; or, if I preferred it, + in a separate edifice called the Little Castle which was in the middle + of the park. This delightful abode deserves to be spoken of. + </p> + <p> + The park or garden of Montmorency is not a plain, like that of the + Chevrette. It is uneven, mountainous, raised by little hills and + valleys, of which the able artist has taken advantage; and thereby + varied his groves, ornaments, waters, and points of view, and, if I may + so speak, multiplied by art and genius a space in itself rather narrow. + This park is terminated at the top by a terrace and the castle; at + bottom it forms a narrow passage which opens and becomes wider towards + the valley, the angle of which is filled up with a large piece of water. + Between the orangery, which is in this widening, and the piece of water, + the banks of which are agreeably decorated, stands the Little Castle of + which I have spoken. This edifice, and the ground about it, formerly + belonged to the celebrated Le Brun, who amused himself in building and + decorating it in the exquisite taste of architectual ornaments which + that great painter had formed to himself. The castle has since been + rebuilt, but still, according to the plan and design of its first + master. It is little and simple, but elegant. As it stands in a hollow + between the orangery and the large piece of water, and consequently is + liable to be damp, it is open in the middle by a peristyle between two + rows of columns, by which means the air circulating throughout the whole + edifice keeps it dry, notwithstanding its unfavorable situation. When + the building is seen from the opposite elevation, which is a point of + view, it appears absolutely surrounded with water, and we imagine we + have before our eyes an enchanted island, or the most beautiful of the + three Boromeans, called Isola Bella, in the greater lake. + </p> + <p> + In this solitary edifice I was offered the choice of four complete + apartments it contains, besides the ground floor, consisting of a + dancing room, billiard room and a kitchen. I chose the smallest over the + kitchen, which also I had with it. It was charmingly neat, with blue and + white furniture. In this profound and delicious solitude, in the midst + of the woods, the singing of birds of every kind, and the perfume of + orange flowers, I composed, in a continual ecstasy, the fifth book of + Emilius, the coloring of which I owe in a great measure to the lively + impression I received from the place I inhabited. + </p> + <p> + With what eagerness did I run every morning at sunrise to respire the + perfumed air in the peristyle! What excellent coffee I took there + tete-a-tete with my Theresa. My cat and dog were our company. This + retinue alone would have been sufficient for me during my whole life, in + which I should not have had one weary moment. I was there in a + terrestrial paradise; I lived in innocence and tasted of happiness. + </p> + <p> + At the journey of July, M. and Madam de Luxembourg showed me so much + attention, and were so extremely kind, that, lodged in their house, and + overwhelmed with their goodness, I could not do less than make them a + proper return in assiduous respect near their persons; I scarcely + quitted them; I went in the morning to pay my court to Madam la + Marechale; after dinner I walked with the marechal; but did not sup at + the castle on account of the numerous guests, and because they supped + too late for me. Thus far everything was as it should be, and no harm + would have been done could I have remained at this point. But I have + never known how to preserve a medium in my attachments, and simply + fulfil the duties of society. I have ever been everything or nothing. I + was soon everything; and receiving the most polite attention from + persons of the highest rank, I passed the proper bounds, and conceived + for them a friendship not permitted except among equals. Of these I had + all the familiarity in my manners, whilst they still preserved in theirs + the same politeness to which they had accustomed me. Yet I was never + quite at my ease with Madam de Luxembourg. Although I was not quite + relieved from my fears relative to her character, I apprehended less + danger from it than from her wit. It was by this especially that she + impressed me with awe. I knew she was difficult as to conversation, and + she had a right to be so. I knew women, especially those of her rank, + would absolutely be amused, that it was better to offend than to weary + them, and I judged by her commentaries upon what the people who went + away had said what she must think of my blunders. I thought of an + expedient to spare me with her the embarrassment of speaking; this was + reading. She had heard of my Eloisa, and knew it was in the press; she + expressed a desire to see the work; I offered to read it to her, and she + accepted my offer. I went to her every morning at ten o'clock; M. de + Luxembourg was present, and the door was shut. I read by the side of her + bed, and so well proportioned my readings that there would have been + sufficient for the whole time she had to stay, had they even not been + interrupted. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [The loss of a great battle, which much afflicted the King, obliged M. + de Luxembourg precipitately to return to court.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + The success of this expedient surpassed my expectation. Madam de + Luxembourg took a great liking to Julia and the author; she spoke of + nothing but me, thought of nothing else, said civil things to me from + morning till night, and embraced me ten times a day. She insisted on me + always having my place by her side at table, and when any great lords + wished it she told them it was mine, and made them sit down somewhere + else. The impression these charming manners made upon me, who was + subjugated by the least mark of affection, may easily be judged of. I + became really attached to her in proportion to the attachment she showed + me. All my fear in perceiving this infatuation, and feeling the want of + agreeableness in myself to support it, was that it would be changed into + disgust; and unfortunately this fear was but too well founded. + </p> + <p> + There must have been a natural opposition between her turn of mind and + mine, since, independently of the numerous stupid things which at every + instant escaped me in conversation, and even in my letters, and when I + was upon the best terms with her, there were certain other things with + which she was displeased without my being able to imagine the reason. I + will quote one instance from among twenty. She knew I was writing for + Madam d'Houdetot a copy of the New Eloisa. She was desirous to have one + on the same footing. This I promised her, and thereby making her one of + my customers, I wrote her a polite letter upon the subject, at least + such was my intention. Her answer, which was as follows, stupefied me + with surprise. + </p> + <br /> + <p> + VERSAILLES, Tuesday. + </p> + <p> + "I am ravished, I am satisfied: your letter has given me infinite + pleasure, and I take the earliest moment to acquaint you with, and thank + you for it. + </p> + <p> + "These are the exact words of your letter: 'Although you are certainly a + very good customer, I have some pain in receiving your money: according + to regular order I ought to pay for the pleasure I should have in + working for you.' I will say nothing more on the subject. I have to + complain of your not speaking of your state of health: nothing interests + me more. I love you with all my heart: and be assured that I write this + to you in a very melancholy mood, for I should have much pleasure in + telling it to you myself. M. de Luxembourg loves and embraces you with + all his heart. + </p> + <p> + "On receiving the letter I hastened to answer it, reserving to myself + more fully to examine the matter, protesting against all disobliging + interpretation, and after having given several days to this examination + with an inquietude which may easily be conceived, and still without + being able to discover in what I could have erred, what follows was my + final answer on the subject. + </p> + <br /> + <p> + "MONTMORENCY, 8th December, 1759. + </p> + <p> + "Since my last letter I have examined a hundred times the passage in + question. I have considered it in its proper and natural meaning, as + well as in every other which may be given to it, and I confess to you, + madam, that I know not whether it be I who owe to you excuses, or you + from whom they are due to me." + </p> + <p> + It is now ten years since these letters were written. I have since that + time frequently thought of the subject of them; and such is still my + stupidity that I have hitherto been unable to discover what in the + passages, quoted from my letter, she could find offensive, or even + displeasing. + </p> + <p> + I must here mention, relative to the manuscript copy of Eloisa Madam de + Luxembourg wished to have, in what manner I thought to give it some + marked advantage which should distinguish it from all others. I had + written separately the adventures of Lord Edward, and had long been + undetermined whether I should insert them wholly, or in extracts, in the + work in which they seemed to be wanting. I at length determined to + retrench them entirely, because, not being in the manner of the rest, + they would have spoiled the interesting simplicity, which was its + principal merit. I had still a stronger reason when I came to know Madam + de Luxembourg: There was in these adventures a Roman marchioness, of a + bad character, some parts of which, without being applicable, might have + been applied to her by those to whom she was not particularly known. I + was therefore, highly pleased with the determination to which I had + come, and resolved to abide by it. But in the ardent desire to enrich + her copy with something which was not in the other, what should I fall + upon but these unfortunate adventures, and I concluded on making an + extract from them to add to the work; a project dictated by madness, of + which the extravagance is inexplicable, except by the blind fatality + which led me on to destruction. + </p> + <p> + 'Quos vult perdere Jupiter dementet.' + </p> + <p> + I was stupid enough to make this extract with the greatest care and + pains, and to send it her as the finest thing in the world; it is true, + I at the same time informed her the original was burned, which was + really the case, that the extract was for her alone, and would never be + seen, except by herself, unless she chose to show it; which, far from + proving, to her my prudence and discretion, as it was my intention to + do, clearly intimated what I thought of the application by which she + might be offended. My stupidity was such, that I had no doubt of her + being delighted with what I had done. She did not make me the compliment + upon it which I expected, and, to my great surprise, never once + mentioned the paper I had sent her. I was so satisfied with myself, that + it was not until a long time afterwards, I judged, from other + indications, of the effect it had produced. + </p> + <p> + I had still, in favor of her manuscript, another idea more reasonable, + but which, by more distant effects, has not been much less prejudicial + to me; so much does everything concur with the work of destiny, when + that hurries on a man to misfortune. I thought of ornamenting the + manuscript with the engravings of the New Eloisa, which were of the same + size. I asked Coindet for these engravings, which belonged to me by + every kind of title, and the more so as I had given him the produce of + the plates, which had a considerable sale. Coindet is as cunning as I am + the contrary. By frequently asking him for the engravings he came to the + knowledge of the use I intended to make of them. He then, under pretence + of adding some new ornament, still kept them from me; and at length + presented them himself. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + 'Ego versiculos feci, tulit alter honores.' + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + This gave him an introduction upon a certain footing to the Hotel de + Luxembourg. After my establishment at the little castle he came rather + frequently to see me, and always in the morning, especially when M. and + Madam de Luxembourg were at Montmorency. Therefore that I might pass the + day with him, I did not go the castle. Reproaches were made me on + account of my absence; I told the reason of them. I was desired to bring + with me M. Coindet; I did so. This was, what he had sought after. + Therefore, thanks to the excessive goodness M. and Madam de Luxembourg + had for me, a clerk to M. Thelusson, who was sometimes pleased to give + him his table when he had nobody else to dine with him, was suddenly + placed at that of a marechal of France, with princes, duchesses, and + persons of the highest rank at court. I shall never forget, that one day + being obliged to return early to Paris, the marechal said, after dinner, + to the company, "Let us take a walk upon the road to St. Denis, and we + will accompany M. Coindet." This was too much for the poor man; his head + was quite turned. For my part, my heart was so affected that I could not + say a word. I followed the company, weeping like a child, and having the + strongest desire to kiss the foot of the good marechal; but the + continuation of the history of the manuscript has made me anticipate. I + will go a little back, and, as far as my memory will permit, mark each + event in its proper order. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the little house of Mont Louis was ready, I had it neatly + furnished and again established myself there. I could not break through + the resolution I had made on quitting the Hermitage of always having my + apartment to myself; but I found a difficulty in resolving to quit the + little castle. I kept the key of it, and being delighted with the + charming breakfasts of the peristyle, frequently went to the castle to + sleep, and stayed three or four days as at a country-house. I was at + that time perhaps better and more agreeably lodged than any private + individual in Europe. My host, M. Mathas, one of the best men in the + world, had left me the absolute direction of the repairs at Mont Louis, + and insisted upon my disposing of his workmen without his interference. + I therefore found the means of making of a single chamber upon the first + story, a complete set of apartments consisting of a chamber, + antechamber, and a water closet. Upon the ground-floor was the kitchen + and the chamber of Theresa. The alcove served me for a closet by means + of a glazed partition and a chimney I had made there. After my return to + this habitation, I amused myself in decorating the terrace, which was + already shaded by two rows of linden trees; I added two others to make a + cabinet of verdure, and placed in it a table and stone benches: I + surrounded it with lilies, syringa and woodbines, and had a beautiful + border of flowers parallel with the two rows of trees. This terrace, + more elevated than that of the castle, from which the view was at least + as fine, and where I had tamed a great number of birds, was my + drawing-room, in which I received M. and Madam de Luxembourg, the Duke + of Villeroy, the Prince of Tingry, the Marquis of Armentieres, the + Duchess of Montmorency, the Duchess of Bouffiers, the Countess of + Valentinois, the Countess of Boufflers, and other persons of the first + rank; who, from the castle disdained not to make, over a very fatiguing + mountain, the pilgrimage of Mont Louis. I owed all these visits to the + favor of M. and Madam de Luxembourg; this I felt, and my heart on that + account did them all due homage. It was with the same sentiment that I + once said to M. de Luxembourg, embracing him: "Ah! Monsieur le Marechal, + I hated the great before I knew you, and I have hated them still more + since you have shown me with what ease they might acquire universal + respect." Further than this I defy any person with whom I was then + acquainted, to say I was ever dazzled for an instant with splendor, or + that the vapor of the incense I received ever affected my head; that I + was less uniform in my manner, less plain in my dress, less easy of + access to people of the lowest rank, less familiar with neighbors, or + less ready to render service to every person when I had it in my power + so to do, without ever once being discouraged by the numerous and + frequently unreasonable importunities with which I was incessantly + assailed. + </p> + <p> + Although my heart led me to the castle of Montmorency, by my sincere + attachment to those by whom it was inhabited, it by the same means drew + me back to the neighborhood of it, there to taste the sweets of the + equal and simple life, in which my only happiness consisted. Theresa had + contracted a friendship with the daughter of one of my neighbors, a + mason of the name of Pilleu; I did the same with the father, and after + having dined at the castle, not without some constraint, to please Madam + de Luxembourg, with what eagerness did I return in the evening to sup + with the good man Pilleu and his family, sometimes at his own house and + at others, at mine. + </p> + <p> + Besides my two lodgings in the country, I soon had a third at the Hotel + de Luxembourg, the proprietors of which pressed me so much to go and see + them there, that I consented, notwithstanding my aversion to Paris, + where, since my retiring to the Hermitage, I had been but twice, upon + the two occasions of which I have spoken. I did not now go there except + on the days agreed upon, solely to supper, and the next morning I + returned to the country. I entered and came out by the garden which + faces the boulevard, so that I could with the greatest truth, say I had + not set my foot upon the stones of Paris. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of this transient prosperity, a catastrophe, which was to + be the conclusion of it, was preparing at a distance. A short time after + my return to Mont Louis, I made there, and as it was customary, against + my inclination, a new acquaintance, which makes another era in my + private history. Whether this be favorable or unfavorable, the reader + will hereafter be able to judge. The person with whom I became + acquainted was the Marchioness of Verdelin, my neighbor, whose husband + had just bought a country-house at Soisy, near Montmorency. Mademoiselle + d'Ars, daughter to the Comte d'Ars, a man of fashion, but poor, had + married M. de Verdelin, old, ugly, deaf, uncouth, brutal, jealous, with + gashes in his face, and blind of one eye, but, upon the whole, a good + man when properly managed, and in possession of a fortune of from + fifteen to twenty thousand a year. This charming object, swearing, + roaring, scolding, storming, and making his wife cry all day long, ended + by doing whatever she thought proper, and this to set her in a rage, + because she knew how to persuade him that it was he who would, and she + would not have it so. M. de Margency, of whom I have spoken, was the + friend of madam, and became that of monsieur. He had a few years before + let them his castle of Margency, near Eaubonne and Andilly, and they + resided there precisely at the time of my passion for Madam d'Houdetot. + Madam d'Houdetot and Madam de Verdelin became acquainted with each + other, by means of Madam d'Aubeterre their common friend; and as the + garden of Margency was in the road by which Madam d'Houdetot went to + Mont Olympe, her favorite walk, Madam de Verdelin gave her a key that + she might pass through it. By means of this key I crossed it several + times with her; but I did not like unexpected meetings, and when Madam + de Verdelin was by chance upon our way I left them together without + speaking to her, and went on before. This want of gallantry must have + made on her an impression unfavorable to me. Yet when she was at Soisy + she was anxious to have my company. She came several times to see me at + Mont Louis, without finding me at home, and perceiving I did not return + her visit, took it into her head, as a means of forcing me to do it, to + send me pots of flowers for my terrace. I was under the necessity of + going to thank her; this was all she wanted, and we thus became + acquainted. + </p> + <p> + This connection, like every other I formed; or was led into contrary to + my inclination, began rather boisterously. There never reigned in it a + real calm. The turn of mind of Madam de Verdelinwas too opposite to + mine. Malignant expressions and pointed sarcasms came from her with so + much simplicity, that a continual attention too fatiguing for me was + necessary to perceive she was turning into ridicule the person to whom + she spoke. One trivial circumstance which occurs to my recollection will + be sufficient to give an idea of her manner. Her brother had just + obtained the command of a frigate cruising against the English. I spoke + of the manner of fitting out this frigate without diminishing its + swiftness of sailing. "Yes," replied she, in the most natural tone of + voice, "no more cannon are taken than are necessary for fighting." I + seldom have heard her speak well of any of her absent friends without + letting slip something to their prejudice. What she did not see with an + evil eye she looked upon with one of ridicule, and her friend Margency + was not excepted. What I found most insupportable in her was the + perpetual constraint proceeding from her little messages, presents and + billets, to which it was a labor for me to answer, and I had continual + embarrassments either in thanking or refusing. However, by frequently + seeing this lady I became attached to her. She had her troubles as well + as I had mine. Reciprocal confidence rendered our conversations + interesting. Nothing so cordially attaches two persons as the + satisfaction of weeping together. We sought the company of each other + for our reciprocal consolation, and the want of this has frequently made + me pass over many things. I had been so severe in my frankness with her, + that after having sometimes shown so little esteem for her character, a + great deal was necessary to be able to believe she could sincerely + forgive me. + </p> + <p> + The following letter is a specimen of the epistles I sometimes wrote to + her, and it is to be remarked that she never once in any of her answers + to them seemed to be in the least degree piqued. + </p> + <br /> + <p> + MONTMORENCY, 5th November, 1760. + </p> + <p> + "You tell me, madam, you have not well explained yourself, in order to + make me understand I have explained myself ill. You speak of your + pretended stupidity for the purpose of making me feel my own. You boast + of being nothing more than a good kind of woman, as if you were afraid + to being taken at your word, and you make me apologies to tell me I owe + them to you. Yes, madam, I know it; it is I who am a fool, a good kind + of man; and, if it be possible, worse than all this; it is I who make a + bad choice of my expressions in the opinion of a fine French lady, who + pays as much attention to words, and speak as well as you do. But + consider that I take them in the common meaning of the language without + knowing or troubling my head about the polite acceptations in which they + are taken in the virtuous societies of Paris. If my expressions are + sometimes equivocal, I endeavored by my conduct to determine their + meaning," etc. The rest of the letter is much the same. + </p> + <p> + Coindet, enterprising, bold, even to effrontery, and who was upon the + watch after all my friends, soon introduced himself in my name to the + house of Madam de Verdelin, and, unknown to me, shortly became there + more familiar than myself. This Coindet was an extraordinary man. He + presented himself in my name in the houses of all my acquaintance, + gained a footing in them, and eat there without ceremony. Transported + with zeal to do me service, he never mentioned my name without his eyes + being suffused with tears; but, when he came to see me, he kept the most + profound silence on the subject of all these connections, and especially + on that in which he knew I must be interested. Instead of telling me + what he had heard, said, or seen, relative to my affairs, he waited for + my speaking to him, and even interrogated me. He never knew anything of + what passed in Paris, except that which I told him: finally, although + everybody spoke to me of him, he never once spoke to me of any person; + he was secret and mysterious with his friend only; but I will for the + present leave Coindet and Madam de Verdelin, and return to them at a + proper time. + </p> + <p> + Sometime after my return to Mont Louis, La Tour, the painter, came to + see me, and brought with him my portrait in crayons, which a few years + before he had exhibited at the salon. He wished to give me this + portrait, which I did not choose to accept. But Madam d'Epinay, who had + given me hers, and would have had this, prevailed upon me to ask him for + it. He had taken some time to retouch the features. In the interval + happened my rupture with Madam d'Epinay; I returned her her portrait; + and giving her mine being no longer in question, I put it into my + chamber, in the castle. M. de Luxembourg saw it there, and found it a + good one; I offered it him, he accepted it, and I sent it to the castle. + He and his lady comprehended I should be very glad to have theirs. They + had them taken in miniature by a very skilful hand, set in a box of rock + crystal, mounted with gold, and in a very handsome manner, with which I + was delighted, made me a present of both. Madam de Luxenbourg would + never consent that her portrait should be on the upper part of the box. + She had reproached me several times with loving M. de Luxembourg better + than I did her; I had not denied it because it was true. By this manner + of placing her portrait she showed very politely, but very clearly, she + had not forgotten the preference. + </p> + <p> + Much about this time I was guilty of a folly which did not contribute to + preserve me to her good graces. Although I had no knowledge of M. de + Silhoutte, and was not much disposed to like him, I had a great opinion + of his administration. When he began to let his hand fall rather heavily + upon financiers, I perceived he did not begin his operation in a + favorable moment, but he had my warmest wishes for his success; and as + soon as I heard he was displaced I wrote to him, in my intrepid, + heedless manner, the following letter, which I certainly do not + undertake to justify. + </p> + <br /> + <p> + MONTMORENCY, 2d December, 1759. + </p> + <p> + "Vouchsafe, sir, to receive the homage of a solitary man, who is not + known to you, but who esteems you for your talents, respects you for + your administration, and who did you the honor to believe you would not + long remain in it. Unable to save the State, except at the expense of + the capital by which it has been ruined, you have braved the clamors of + the gainers of money. When I saw you crush these wretches, I envied you + your place; and at seeing you quit it without departing from your + system, I admire you. Be satisfied with yourself, sir; the step you have + taken will leave you an honor you will long enjoy without a competitor. + The malediction of knaves is the glory of an honest man." + </p> + <p> + Madam de Luxembourg, who knew I had written this letter, spoke to me of + it when she came into the country at Easter. I showed it to her and she + was desirous of a copy; this I gave her, but when I did it I did not + know she was interested in under-farms, and the displacing of M. de + Silhoutte. By my numerous follies any person would have imagined I + wilfully endeavored to bring on myself the hatred of an amiable woman + who had power, and to whom, in truth, I daily became more attached, and + was far from wishing to occasion her displeasure, although by my awkward + manner of proceeding, I did everything proper for that purpose. I think + it superfluous to remark here, that it is to her the history of the + opiate of M. Tronchin, of which I have spoken in the first part of my + memoirs, relates; the other lady was Madam de Mirepoix. They have never + mentioned to me the circumstance, nor has either of them, in the least, + seemed to have preserved a remembrance of it; but to presume that Madam + de Luxembourg can possibly have forgotten it appears to me very + difficult, and would still remain so, even were the subsequent events + entirely unknown. For my part, I fell into a deceitful security relative + to the effects of my stupid mistakes, by an internal evidence of my not + having taken any step with an intention to offend; as if a woman could + ever forgive what I had done, although she might be certain the will had + not the least part in the matter. + </p> + <p> + Although she seemed not to see or feel anything, and that I did not + immediately find either her warmth of friendship diminished or the least + change in her manner, the continuation and even increase of a too well + founded foreboding made me incessantly tremble, lest disgust should + succeed to infatuation. Was it possible for me to expect in a lady of + such high rank, a constancy proof against my want of address to support + it? I was unable to conceal from her this secret foreboding, which made + me uneasy, and rendered me still more disagreeable. This will be judged + of by the following letter, which contains a very singular prediction. + </p> + <p> + N. B. This letter, without date in my rough copy, was written in + October, 1760, at latest. + </p> + <p> + "How cruel is your goodness? Why disturb the peace of a solitary mortal + who had renounced the pleasures of life, that he might no longer suffer + the fatigues of them. I have passed my days in vainly searching for + solid attachments. I have not been able to form any in the ranks to + which I was equal; is it in yours that I ought to seek for them? Neither + ambition nor interest can tempt me: I am not vain, but little fearful; I + can resist everything except caresses. Why do you both attack me by a + weakness which I must overcome, because in the distance by which we are + separated, the over-flowings of susceptible hearts cannot bring mine + near to you? Will gratitude be sufficient for a heart which knows not + two manners of bestowing its affections, and feels itself incapable of + everything except friendship? Of friendship, madam la marechale! Ah! + there is my misfortune! It is good in you and the marechal to make use + of this expression; but I am mad when I take you at your word. You amuse + yourselves, and I become attached; and the end of this prepares for me + new regrets. How I do hate all your titles, and pity you on account of + your being obliged to bear them? You seem to me to be so worthy of + tasting the charms of private life! Why do not you reside at Clarens? I + would go there in search of happiness; but the castle of Montmorency, + and the Hotel de Luxembourg! Is it in these places Jean Jacques ought to + be seen? Is it there a friend to equality ought to carry the affections + of a sensible heart, and who thus paying the esteem in which he is held, + thinks he returns as much as he receives? You are good and susceptible + also: this I know and have seen; I am sorry I was not sooner convinced + of it; but in the rank you hold, in the manner of living, nothing can + make a lasting impression; a succession of new objects efface each other + so that not one of them remains. You will forget me, madam, after having + made it impossible for me to imitate, you. You have done a great deal to + make me unhappy, to be inexcusable." + </p> + <p> + I joined with her the marechal, to render the compliment less severe; + for I was moreover so sure of him, that I never had a doubt in my mind + of the continuation of his friendship. Nothing that intimidated me in + madam la marechale, ever for a moment extended to him. I never have had + the least mistrust relative to his character, which I knew to be feeble, + but constant. I no more feared a coldness on his part than I expected + from him an heroic attachment. The simplicity and familiarity of our + manners with each other proved how far dependence was reciprocal. We + were both always right: I shall ever honor and hold dear the memory of + this worthy man, and, notwithstanding everything that was done to detach + him from me, I am as certain of his having died my friend as if I had + been present in his last moments. + </p> + <p> + At the second journey to Montmorency, in the year 1760, the reading of + Eloisa being finished, I had recourse to that of Emilius, to support + myself in the good graces of Madam de Luxembourg; but this, whether the + subject was less to her taste; or that so much reading at length + fatigued her, did not succeed so well. However, as she reproached me + with suffering myself to be the dupe of booksellers, she wished me to + leave to her care the printing the work, that I might reap from it a + greater advantage. I consented to her doing it, on the express condition + of its not being printed in France, on which we had along dispute; I + affirming that it was impossible to obtain, and even imprudent to + solicit, a tacit permission; and being unwilling to permit the + impression upon any other terms in the kingdom; she, that the censor + could not make the least difficulty, according to the system government + had adopted. She found means to make M. de Malesherbes enter into her + views. He wrote to me on the subject a long letter with his own hand, to + prove the profession of faith of the Savoyard vicar to be a composition + which must everywhere gain the approbation of its readers and that of + the court, as things were then circumstanced. I was surprised to see + this magistrate, always so prudent, become so smooth in the business, as + the printing of a book was by that alone legal, I had no longer any + objection to make to that of the work. Yet, by an extraordinary scruple, + I still required it should be printed in Holland, and by the bookseller + Neaulme, whom, not satisfied with indicating him, I informed of my + wishes, consenting the edition should be brought out for the profit of a + French bookseller, and that as soon as it was ready it should be sold at + Paris, or wherever else it might be thought proper, as with this I had + no manner of concern. This is exactly what was agreed upon between Madam + de Luxembourg and myself, after which I gave her my manuscript. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Luxembourg was this time accompanied by her granddaughter + Mademoiselle de Boufflers, now Duchess of Lauzun. Her name was Amelia. + She was a charming girl. She really had a maiden beauty, mildness and + timidity. Nothing could be more lovely than her person, nothing more + chaste and tender than the sentiments she inspired. She was, besides, + still a child under eleven years of age. Madam de Luxembourg, who + thought her too timid, used every endeavor to animate her. She permitted + me several times to give her a kiss, which I did with my usual + awkwardness. Instead of saying flattering things to her, as any other + person would have done, I remained silent and disconcerted, and I know + not which of the two, the little girl or myself, was most ashamed. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="pb202" id="pb202"></a> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="pb202.jpg (94K)" src="images/pb202.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <p> + I met her one day alone in the staircase of the little castle. She had + been to see Theresa, with whom her governess still was. Not knowing what + else to say, I proposed to her a kiss, which, in the innocence of her + heart, she did not refuse; having in the morning received one from me by + order of her grandmother, and in her presence. The next day, while + reading Emilius by the side of the bed of Madam de Luxembourg, I came to + a passage in which I justly censure that which I had done the preceding + evening. She thought the reflection extremely just, and said some very + sensible things upon the subject which made me blush. How was I enraged + at my incredible stupidity, which has frequently given me the appearance + of guilt when I was nothing more than a fool and embarrassed! A + stupidity, which in a man known to be endowed with some wit, is + considered as a false excuse. I can safely swear that in this kiss, as + well as in the others, the heart and thoughts of Mademoiselle Amelia + were not more pure than my own, and that if I could have avoided meeting + her I should have done it; not that I had not great pleasure in seeing + her, but from the embarrassment of not finding a word proper to say. + Whence comes it that even a child can intimidate a man, whom the power + of kings has never inspired with fear? What is to be done? How, without + presence of mind, am I to act? If I strive to speak to the persons I + meet, I certainly say some stupid thing to them; if I remain silent, I + am a misanthrope, an unsociable animal, a bear. Total imbecility would + have been more favorable to me; but the talents which I have failed to + improve in the world have become the instruments of my destruction, and + of that of the talents I possessed. + </p> + <p> + At the latter end of this journey, Madam de Luxembourg did a good action + in which I had some share. Diderot having very imprudently offended the + Princess of Robeck, daughter of M. de Luxembourg, Palissot, whom she + protected, took up the quarrel, and revenged her by the comedy of 'The + Philosophers', in which I was ridiculed, and Diderot very roughly + handled. The author treated me with more gentleness, less, I am of + opinion, on account of the obligation he was under to me, than from the + fear of displeasing the father of his protectress, by whom he knew I was + beloved. The bookseller Duchesne, with whom I was not at that time + acquainted, sent me the comedy when it was printed, and this I suspect + was by the order of Palissot, who, perhaps, thought I should have a + pleasure in seeing a man with whom I was no longer connected defamed. He + was greatly deceived. When I broke with Diderot, whom I thought less + ill-natured than weak and indiscreet, I still always preserved for his + person an attachment, an esteem even, and a respect for our ancient + friendship, which I know was for a long time as sincere on his part as + on mine. The case was quite different with Grimm; a man false by nature, + who never loved me, who is not even capable of friendship, and a person + who, without the least subject of complaint, and solely to satisfy his + gloomy jealousy, became, under the mask of friendship, my most cruel + calumniator. This man is to me a cipher; the other will always be my old + friend. + </p> + <p> + My very bowels yearned at the sight of this odious piece: the reading of + it was insupportable to me, and, without going through the whole, I + returned the copy to Duchesne with the following letter: + </p> + <br /> + <p> + MONTMORENCY, 21st, May, 1760. + </p> + <p> + "In casting my eyes over the piece you sent me, I trembled at seeing + myself well spoken of in it. I do not accept the horrid present. I am + persuaded that in sending it me, you did not intend an insult; but you + do not know, or have forgotten, that I have the honor to be the friend + of a respectable man, who is shamefully defamed and calumniated in this + libel." + </p> + <p> + Duchense showed the letter. Diderot, upon whom it ought to have had an + effect quite contrary, was vexed at it. His pride could not forgive me + the superiority of a generous action, and I was informed his wife + everywhere inveighed against me with a bitterness with which I was not + in the least affected, as I knew she was known to everybody to be a + noisy babbler. + </p> + <p> + Diderot in his turn found an avenger in the Abbe Morrellet, who wrote + against Palissot a little work, imitated from the 'Petit Prophete', and + entitled the Vision. In this production he very imprudently offended + Madam de Robeck, whose friends got him sent to the Bastile; though she, + not naturally vindictive, and at that time in a dying state, I am + certain had nothing to do with the affair. + </p> + <p> + D'Alembert, who was very intimately connected with Morrellet, wrote me a + letter, desiring I would beg of Madam de Luxembourg to solicit his + liberty, promising her in return encomiums in the 'Encyclopedie'; my + answer to this letter was as follows: + </p> + <p> + "I did not wait the receipt of your letter before I expressed to Madam + de Luxembourg the pain the confinement of the Abbe Morrellet gave me. + She knows my concern, and shall be made acquainted with yours, and her + knowing that the abbe is a man of merit will be sufficient to make her + interest herself in his behalf. However, although she and the marechal + honor me with a benevolence which is my greatest consolation, and that + the name of your friend be to them a recommendation in favor of the Abbe + Morrellet, I know not how far, on this occasion, it may be proper for + them to employ the credit attached to the rank they hold, and the + consideration due to their persons. I am not even convinced that the + vengeance in question relates to the Princess Robeck so much as you seem + to imagine; and were this even the case, we must not suppose that the + pleasure of vengeance belongs to philosophers exclusively, and that when + they choose to become women, women will become philosophers. + </p> + <p> + "I will communicate to you whatever Madam de Luxembourg may say to me + after having shown her your letter. In the meantime, I think I know her + well enough to assure you that, should she have the pleasure of + contributing to the enlargement of the Abbe Morrellet, she will not + accept the tribute of acknowledgment you promise her in the + Encyclopedie, although she might think herself honored by it, because + she does not do good in the expectation of praise, but from the dictates + of her heart." + </p> + <p> + I made every effort to excite the zeal and commiseration of Madam de + Luxembourg in favor of the poor captive, and succeeded to my wishes. She + went to Versailles on purpose to speak to M. de St. Florentin, and this + journey shortened the residence at Montmorency, which the marechal was + obliged to quit at the same time to go to Rouen, whither the king sent + him as governor of Normandy, on account of the motions of the + parliament, which government wished to keep within bounds. Madam de + Luxembourg wrote me the following letter the day after her departure: + </p> + <br /> + <p> + VERSAILLES, Wednesday. + </p> + <p> + "M. de Luxembourg set off yesterday morning at six o'clock. I do not yet + know that I shall follow him. I wait until he writes to me, as he is not + yet certain of the stay it will be necessary for him to make. I have + seen M. de St. Florentin, who is as favorably disposed as possible + towards the Abbe Morrellet; but he finds some obstacles to his wishes + which however, he is in hopes of removing the first time he has to do + business with the king, which will be next week. I have also desired as + a favor that he might not be exiled, because this was intended; he was + to be sent to Nancy. This, sir, is what I have been able to obtain; but + I promise you I will not let M. de St. Florentin rest until the affair + is terminated in the manner you desire. Let me now express to you how + sorry I am on account of my being obliged to leave you so soon, of which + I flatter myself you have not the least doubt. I love you with all my + heart, and shall do so for my whole life." + </p> + <p> + A few days afterwards I received the following note from D'Alembert, + which gave me real joy. + </p> + <br /> + <p> + August 1st. + </p> + <p> + "Thanks to your cares, my dear philosopher, the abbe has left the + Bastile, and his imprisonment will have no other consequence. He is + setting off for the country, and, as well as myself, returns you a + thousand thanks and compliments. 'Vale et me ama'." + </p> + <p> + The abbe also wrote to me a few days afterwards a letter of thanks, + which did not, in my opinion, seem to breathe a certain effusion of the + heart, and in which he seemed in some measure to extenuate the service I + had rendered him. Some time afterwards, I found that he and D'Alembert + had, to a certain degree, I will not say supplanted, but succeeded me in + the good graces of Madam de Luxembourg, and that I Had lost in them all + they had gained. However, I am far from suspecting the Abbe Morrellet of + having contributed to my disgrace; I have too much esteem for him to + harbor any such suspicion. With respect to D'Alembert, I shall at + present leave him out of the question, and hereafter say of him what may + seem necessary. + </p> + <p> + I had, at the same time, another affair which occasioned the last letter + I wrote to Voltaire; a letter against which he vehemently exclaimed, as + an abominable insult, although he never showed it to any person. I will + here supply the want of that which he refused to do. + </p> + <p> + The Abbe Trublet, with whom I had a slight acquaintance, but whom I had + but seldom seen, wrote to me on the 13th of June, 1760, informing me + that M. Formey, his friend and correspondent, had printed in his journal + my letter to Voltaire upon the disaster at Lisbon. The abbe wished to + know how the letter came to be printed, and in his jesuitical manner, + asked me my opinion, without giving me his own on the necessity of + reprinting it. As I most sovereignly hate this kind of artifice and + strategem, I returned such thanks as were proper, but in a manner so + reserved as to make him feel it, although this did not prevent him from + wheedling me in two or three other letters until he had gathered all he + wished to know. + </p> + <p> + I clearly understood that, not withstanding all Trublet could say, + Formey had not found the letter printed, and that the first impression + of it came from himself. I knew him to be an impudent pilferer, who, + without ceremony, made himself a revenue by the works of others. + Although he had not yet had the incredible effrontery to take from a + book already published the name of the author, to put his own in the + place of it, and to sell the book for his own profit. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [In this manner he afterwards appropriated to himself Emilius.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + But by what means had this manuscript fallen into his hands? That was a + question not easy to resolve, but by which I had the weakness to be + embarrassed. Although Voltaire was excessively honored by the letter, as + in fact, notwithstanding his rude proceedings, he would have had a right + to complain had I had it printed without his consent, I resolved to + write to him upon the subject. The second letter was as follows, to + which he returned no answer, and giving greater scope to his brutality, + he feigned to be irritated to fury. + </p> + <br /> + <p> + MONTMORENCY, 17th June, 1760. + </p> + <p> + "I did not think, sir, I should ever have occasion to correspond with + you. But learning the letter I wrote to you in 1756 had been printed at + Berlin, I owe you an account of my conduct in that respect, and will + fulfil this duty with truth and simplicity. + </p> + <p> + "The letter having really been addressed to you was not intended to be + printed. I communicated the contents of it, on certain conditions, to + three persons, to whom the right of friendship did not permit me to + refuse anything of the kind, and whom the same rights still less + permitted to abuse my confidence by betraying their promise. These + persons are Madam de Chenonceaux, daughter-in-law to Madam Dupin, the + Comtesse d'Houdetot, and a German of the name of Grimm. Madam de + Chenonceaux was desirous the letter should be printed, and asked my + consent. I told her that depended upon yours. This was asked of you + which you refused, and the matter dropped. + </p> + <p> + "However, the Abbe Trublet, with whom I have not the least connection, + has just written to me from a motive of the most polite attention that + having received the papers of the journal of M. Formey, he found in them + this same letter with an advertisement, dated on the 23d of October, + 1759, in which the editor states that he had a few weeks before found it + in the shops of the booksellers of Berlin, and, as it is one of those + loose sheets which shortly disappear, he thought proper to give it a + place in his journal. + </p> + <p> + "This, sir, is all I know of the matter. It is certain the letter had + not until lately been heard of at Paris. It is also as certain that the + copy, either in manuscript or print, fallen into the hands of M. de + Formey, could never have reached them except by your means (which is not + probable) or of those of one of the three persons I have mentioned. + Finally, it is well known the two ladies are incapable of such a + perfidy. I cannot, in my retirement learn more relative to the affair. + You have a correspondence by means of which you may, if you think it + worth the trouble, go back to the source and verify the fact. + </p> + <p> + "In the same letter the Abbe' Trublet informs me that he keeps the paper + in reserve, and will not lend it without my consent, which most + assuredly I will not give. But it is possible this copy may not be the + only one in Paris. I wish, sir, the letter may not be printed there, and + I will do all in my power to prevent this from happening; but if I + cannot succeed, and that, timely perceiving it, I can have the + preference, I will not then hesitate to have it immediately printed. + This to me appears just and natural. + </p> + <p> + "With respect to your answer to the same letter, it has not been + communicated to anyone, and you may be assured it shall not be printed + without your consent, which I certainly shall not be indiscreet enough + to ask of you, well knowing that what one man writes to another is not + written to the public. But should you choose to write one you wish to + have published, and address it to me, I promise you faithfully to add to + it my letter and not to make to it a single word of reply. + </p> + <p> + "I love you not, sir; you have done me, your disciple and enthusiastic + admirer; injuries which might have caused me the most exquisite pain. + You have ruined Geneva, in return for the asylum it has afforded you; + you have alienated from me my fellow-citizens, in return for eulogiums I + made of you amongst them; it is you who render to me the residence of my + own country insupportable; it is you who will oblige me to die in a + foreign land, deprived of all the consolations usually administered to a + dying person; and cause me, instead of receiving funeral rites, to be + thrown to the dogs, whilst all the honors a man can expect will + accompany you in my country. Finally I hate you because you have been + desirous I should but I hate you as a man more worthy of loving you had + you chosen it. Of all the sentiments with which my heart was penetrated + for you, admiration, which cannot be refused your fine genius, and a + partiality to your writings, are those you have not effaced. If I can + honor nothing in you except your talents, the fault is not mine. I shall + never be wanting in the respect due to them, nor in that which this + respect requires." + </p> + <p> + In the midst of these little literary cavillings, which still fortified + my resolution, I received the greatest honor letters ever acquired me, + and of which I was the most sensible, in the two visits the Prince of + Conti deigned to make to me, one at the Little Castle and the other at + Mont Louis. He chose the time for both of these when M. de Luxembourg + was not at Montmorency, in order to render it more manifest that he came + there solely on my account. I have never had a doubt of my owing the + first condescensions of this prince to Madam de Luxembourg and Madam de + Boufflers; but I am of opinion I owe to his own sentiments and to myself + those with which he has since that time continually honored me. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [Remark the perseverance of this blind and stupid confidence in the + midst of all the treatment which should soonest have undeceived me. It + continued until my return to Paris in 1770.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + My apartments at Mont Louis being small, and the situation of the alcove + charming, I conducted the prince to it, where, to complete the + condescension he was pleased to show me, he chose I should have the + honor of playing with him a game of chess. I knew he beat the Chevalier + de Lorenzy, who played better than I did. However, notwithstanding the + signs and grimace of the chevalier and the spectators, which I feigned + not to see, I won the two games we played: When they were ended, I said + to him in a respectful but very grave manner: "My lord, I honor your + serene highness too much not to beat you always at chess." This great + prince, who had real wit, sense, and knowledge, and so was worthy not to + be treated with mean adulation, felt in fact, at least I think so, that + I was the only person present who treated him like a man, and I have + every reason to believe he was not displeased with me for it. + </p> + <p> + Had this even been the case, I should not have reproached myself with + having been unwilling to deceive him in anything, and I certainly cannot + do it with having in my heart made an ill return for his goodness, but + solely with having sometimes done it with an ill grace, whilst he + himself accompanied with infinite gracefulness the manner in which he + showed me the marks of it. A few days afterwards he ordered a hamper of + game to be sent me, which I received as I ought. This in a little time + was succeeded by another, and one of his gamekeepers wrote me, by order + of his highness, that the game it contained had been shot by the prince + himself. I received this second hamper, but I wrote to Madam de + Boufflers that I would not receive a third. This letter was generally + blamed, and deservedly so. Refusing to accept presents of game from a + prince of the blood, who moreover sends it in so polite a manner, is + less the delicacy of a haughty man, who wishes to preserve his + independence, than the rusticity of a clown, who does not know himself. + I have never read this letter in my collection without blushing and + reproaching myself for having written it. But I have not undertaken my + Confession with an intention of concealing my faults, and that of which + I have just spoken is too shocking in my own eyes to suffer me to pass + it over in silence. + </p> + <p> + If I were not guilty of the offence of becoming his rival I was very + near doing it; for Madam de Boufflers was still his mistress, and I knew + nothing of the matter. She came rather frequently to see me with the + Chevalier de Lorenzy. She was yet young and beautiful, affected to be + whimsical, and my mind was always romantic, which was much of the same + nature. I was near being laid hold of; I believe she perceived it; the + chevalier saw it also, at least he spoke to me upon the subject, and in + a manner not discouraging. But I was this time reasonable, and at the + age of fifty it was time I should be so. Full of the doctrine I had just + preached to graybeards in my letter to D'Alembert, I should have been + ashamed of not profiting by it myself; besides, coming to the knowledge + of that of which I had been ignorant, I must have been mad to have + carried my pretensions so far as to expose myself to such an illustrious + rivalry. Finally, ill cured perhaps of my passion for Madam de Houdetot, + I felt nothing could replace it in my heart, and I bade adieu to love + for the rest of my life. I have this moment just withstood the dangerous + allurements of a young woman who had her views; and if she feigned to + forget my twelve lustres I remember them. After having thus withdrawn + myself from danger, I am no longer afraid of a fall, and I answer for + myself for the rest of my days. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Boufflers, perceiving the emotion she caused in me, might also + observe I had triumphed over it. I am neither mad nor vain enough to + believe I was at my age capable of inspiring her with the same feelings; + but, from certain words which she let drop to Theresa, I thought I had + inspired her with a curiosity; if this be the case, and that she has not + forgiven me the disappointment she met with, it must be confessed I was + born to be the victim of my weaknesses, since triumphant love was so + prejudicial to me, and love triumphed over not less so. + </p> + <p> + Here finishes the collection of letters which has served me as a guide + in the last two books. My steps will in future be directed by memory + only; but this is of such a nature, relative to the period to which I am + now come, and the strong impression of objects has remained so perfectly + upon my mind, that lost in the immense sea of my misfortunes, I cannot + forget the detail of my first shipwreck, although the consequences + present to me but a confused remembrance. I therefore shall be able to + proceed in the succeeding book with sufficient confidence. If I go + further it will be groping in the dark. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="link11"></a> <br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK XI. + </h1> + <br /><br /> + <p> + Although Eloisa, which for a long time had been in the press, did not + yet, at the end of the year, 1760, appear, the work already began to + make a great noise. Madam de Luxembourg had spoken of it at court, and + Madam de Houdetot at Paris. The latter had obtained from me permission + for Saint Lambert to read the manuscript to the King of Poland, who had + been delighted with it. Duclos, to whom I had also given the perusal of + the work, had spoken of it at the academy. All Paris was impatient to + see the novel; the booksellers of the Rue Saint Jacques, and that of the + Palais Royal, were beset with people who came to inquire when it was to + be published. It was at length brought out, and the success it had, + answered, contrary to custom, to the impatience with which it had been + expected. The dauphiness, who was one of the first who read it, spoke of + it to, M. de Luxembourg as a ravishing performance. The opinions of men + of letters differed from each other, but in those of any other class + approbation was general, especially with the women, who became so + intoxicated with the book and the author, that there was not one in high + life with whom I might not have succeeded had I undertaken to do it. Of + this I have such proofs as I will not commit to paper, and which without + the aid of experience, authorized my opinion. It is singular that the + book should have succeeded better in France than in the rest of Europe, + although the French, both men and women, are severely treated in it. + Contrary to my expectation it was least successful in Switzerland, and + most so in Paris. Do friendship, love and virtue reign in this capital + more than elsewhere? Certainly not; but there reigns in it an exquisite + sensibility which transports the heart to their image, and makes us + cherish in others the pure, tender and virtuous sentiments we no longer + possess. Corruption is everywhere the same; virtue and morality no + longer exist in Europe; but if the least love of them still remains, it + is in Paris that this will be found.—[I wrote this in 1769.] + </p> + <p> + In the midst of so many prejudices and feigned passions, the real + sentiments of nature are not to be distinguished from others, unless we + well know to analyze the human heart. A very nice discrimination, not to + be acquired except by the education of the world, is necessary to feel + the finesses of the heart, if I dare use the expression, with which this + work abounds. I do not hesitate to place the fourth part of it upon an + equality with the Princess of Cleves; nor to assert that had these two + works been read nowhere but in the provinces, their merit would never + have been discovered. It must not, therefore, be considered as a matter + of astonishment, that the greatest success of my work was at court. It + abounds with lively but veiled touches of the pencil, which could not + but give pleasure there, because the persons who frequent it are more + accustomed than others to discover them. A distinction must, however, be + made. The work is by no means proper for the species of men of wit who + have nothing but cunning, who possess no other kind of discernment than + that which penetrates evil, and see nothing where good only is to be + found. If, for instance, Eloisa had been published in a certain country, + I am convinced it would not have been read through by a single person, + and the work would have been stifled in its birth. + </p> + <p> + I have collected most of the letters written to me on the subject of + this publication, and deposited them, tied up together, in the hands of + Madam de Nadillac. Should this collection ever be given to the world, + very singular things will be seen, and an opposition of opinion, which + shows what it is to have to do with the public. The thing least kept in + view, and which will ever distinguish it from every other work, is the + simplicity of the subject and the continuation of the interest, which, + confined to three persons, is kept up throughout six volumes, without + episode, romantic adventure, or anything malicious either in the persons + or actions. Diderot complimented Richardson on the prodigious variety of + his portraits and the multiplicity of his persons. In fact, Richardson + has the merit of having well characterized them all; but with respect to + their number, he has that in common with the most insipid writers of + novels who attempt to make up for the sterility of their ideas by + multiplying persons and adventures. It is easy to awaken the attention + by incessantly presenting unheard of adventures and new faces, which + pass before the imagination as the figures in a magic lanthorn do before + the eye; but to keep up that attention to the same objects, and without + the aid of the wonderful, is certainly more difficult; and if, + everything else being equal, the simplicity of the subject adds to the + beauty of the work, the novels of Richardson, superior in so many other + respects, cannot in this be compared to mine. I know it is already + forgotten, and the cause of its being so; but it will be taken up again. + All my fear was that, by an extreme simplicity, the narrative would be + fatiguing, and that it was not sufficiently interesting to engage the + attention throughout the whole. I was relieved from this apprehension by + a circumstance which alone was more flattering to my pride than all the + compliments made me upon the work. + </p> + <p> + It appeared at the beginning of the carnival; a hawker carried it to the + Princess of Talmont—[It was not the princess, but some other lady, + whose name I do not know.]—on the evening of a ball night at the + opera. After supper the Princess dressed herself for the ball, and until + the hour of going there, took up the new novel. At midnight she ordered + the horses to be put into the carriage, and continued to read. The + servant returned to tell her the horses were put to; she made no answer. + Her people perceiving she forgot herself, came to tell her it was two + o'clock. "There is yet no hurry," replied the princess, still reading + on. Some time afterwards, her watch having stopped, she rang to know the + hour. She was told it was four o'clock. "That being the case," she said, + "it is too late to go to the ball; let the horses be taken off." She + undressed herself and passed the rest of the night in reading. + </p> + <p> + Ever since I came to the knowledge of this circumstance, I have had a + constant desire to see the lady, not only to know from herself whether + or not what I have related be exactly true, but because I have always + thought it impossible to be interested in so lively a manner in the + happiness of Julia, without having that sixth and moral sense with which + so few hearts are endowed, and without which no person whatever can + understand the sentiments of mine. + </p> + <p> + What rendered the women so favorable to me was, their being persuaded + that I had written my own history, and was myself the hero of the + romance. This opinion was so firmly established, that Madam de Polignac + wrote to Madam de Verdelin, begging she would prevail upon me to show + her the portrait of Julia. Everybody thought it was impossible so + strongly to express sentiments without having felt them, or thus to + describe the transports of love, unless immediately from the feelings of + the heart. This was true, and I certainly wrote the novel during the + time my imagination was inflamed to ecstasy; but they who thought real + objects necessary to this effect were deceived, and far from conceiving + to what a degree I can at will produce it for imaginary beings. Without + Madam d'Houdetot, and the recollection of a few circumstances in my + youth, the amours I have felt and described would have been with fairy + nymphs. I was unwilling either to confirm or destroy an error which was + advantageous to me. The reader may see in the preface a dialogue, which + I had printed separately, in what manner I left the public in suspense. + Rigorous people say, I ought to have explicity declared the truth. For + my part I see no reason for this, nor anything that could oblige me to + it, and am of opinion there would have been more folly than candor in + the declaration without necessity. + </p> + <p> + Much about the same time the 'Paix Perpetuelle' made its appearance, of + this I had the year before given the manuscript to a certain M. de + Bastide, the author of a journal called Le Monde, into which he would at + all events cram all my manuscripts. He was known to M. Duclos, and came + in his name to beg I would help him to fill the Monde. He had heard + speak of Eloisa, and would have me put this into his journal; he was + also desirous of making the same use of Emilius; he would have asked me + for the Social Contract for the same purpose, had he suspected it to be + written. At length, fatigued with his importunities, I resolved upon + letting him have the Paix Perpetuelle, which I gave him for twelve + louis. Our agreement was, that he should print it in his journal; but as + soon as he became the proprietor of the manuscript, he thought proper to + print it separately, with a few retrenchments, which the censor required + him to make. What would have happened had I joined to the work my + opinion of it, which fortunately I did not communicate to M. de Bastide, + nor was it comprehended in our agreement? This remains still in + manuscript amongst my papers. If ever it be made public, the world will + see how much the pleasantries and self-sufficient manner of M. de + Voltaire on the subject must have made me, who was so well acquainted + with the short-sightedness of this poor man in political matters, of + which he took it into his head to speak, shake my sides with laughter. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of my success with the women and the public, I felt I lost + ground at the Hotel de Luxembourg, not with the marechal, whose goodness + to me seemed daily to increase, but with his lady. Since I had had + nothing more to read to her, the door of her apartment was not so + frequently open to me, and during her stay at Montmorency, although I + regularly presented myself, I seldom saw her except at table. My place + even there was not distinctly marked out as usual. As she no longer + offered me that by her side, and spoke to me but seldom, not having on + my part much to say to her, I was well satisfied with another, where I + was more at my ease, especially in the evening; for I mechanically + contracted the habit of placing myself nearer and nearer to the + marechal. + </p> + <p> + Apropos of the evening: I recollect having said I did not sup at the + castle, and this was true, at the beginning of my acquaintance there; + but as M. de Luxembourg did not dine, nor even sit down to table, it + happened that I was for several months, and already very familiar in the + family, without ever having eaten with him. This he had the goodness to + remark, upon which I determined to sup there from time to time, when the + company was not numerous; I did so, and found the suppers very + agreeable, as the dinners were taken almost standing; whereas the former + were long, everybody remaining seated with pleasure after a long walk; + and very good and agreeable, because M. de Luxembourg loved good eating, + and the honors of them were done in a charming manner by madam de + marechale. Without this explanation it would be difficult to understand + the end of a letter from M. de Luxembourg, in which he says he + recollects our walks with the greatest pleasure; especially, adds he, + when in the evening we entered the court and did not find there the + traces of carriages. The rake being every morning drawn over the gravel + to efface the marks left by the coach wheels, I judged by the number of + ruts of that of the persons who had arrived in the afternoon. + </p> + <p> + This year, 1761, completed the heavy losses this good man had suffered + since I had had the honor of being known to him. As if it had been + ordained that the evils prepared for me by destiny should begin by the + man to whom I was most attached, and who was the most worthy of esteem. + The first year he lost his sister, the Duchess of Villeroy; the second, + his daughter, the Princess of Robeck; the third, he lost in the Duke of + Montmorency his only son; and in the Comte de Luxembourg, his grandson, + the last two supporters of the branch of which he was, and of his name. + He supported all these losses with apparent courage, but his heart + incessantly bled in secret during the rest of his life, and his health + was ever after upon the decline. The unexpected and tragical death of + his son must have afflicted him the more, as it happened immediately + after the king had granted him for his child, and given him the promise + for his grandson, the reversion of the commission he himself then held + of the captain of the Gardes de Corps. He had the mortification to see + the last, a most promising young man, perish by degrees from the blind + confidence of the mother in the physician, who giving the unhappy youth + medicines for food, suffered him to die of inanition. Alas! had my + advice been taken, the grandfather and the grandson would both still + have been alive. What did not I say and write to the marechal, what + remonstrances did I make to Madam de Montmorency, upon the more than + severe regimen, which, upon the faith of physicians, she made her son + observe! Madam de Luxembourg, who thought as I did, would not usurp the + authority of the mother; M. de Luxembourg, a man of mild and easy + character, did not like to contradict her. Madam de Montmorency had in + Borden a confidence to which her son at length became a victim. How + delighted was the poor creature when he could obtain permission to come + to Mont Louis with Madam de Boufflers, to ask Theresa for some victuals + for his famished stomach! How did I secretly deplore the miseries of + greatness in seeing this only heir to a immense fortune, a great name, + and so many dignified titles, devour with the greediness of a beggar a + wretched morsel of bread! At length, notwithstanding all I could say and + do, the physician triumphed, and the child died of hunger. + </p> + <p> + The same confidence in quacks, which destroyed the grandson, hastened + the dissolution of the grandfather, and to this he added the + pusillanimity of wishing to dissimulate the infirmities of age. M. de + Luxembourg had at intervals a pain in the great toe; he was seized with + it at Montmorency, which deprived him of sleep, and brought on slight + fever. I had courage enough to pronounce the word gout. Madam de + Luxembourg gave me a reprimand. The surgeon, valet de chambre of the + marechal, maintained it was not the gout, and dressed the suffering part + with beaume tranquille. Unfortunately the pain subsided, and when it + returned the same remedy was had recourse to. The constitution of the + marechal was weakened, and his disorder increased, as did his remedies + in the same proportion. Madam de Luxembourg, who at length perceived the + primary disorder to be the gout, objected to the dangerous manner of + treating it. Things were afterwards concealed from her, and M. de + Luxembourg in a few years lost his life in consequence of his obstinate + adherence to what he imagined to be a method of cure. But let me not + anticipate misfortune: how many others have I to relate before I come to + this! + </p> + <p> + It is singular with what fatality everything I could say and do seemed + of a nature to displease Madam de Luxembourg, even when I had it most at + heart to preserve her friendship. The repeated afflictions which fell + upon M. de Luxembourg still attached me to him the more, and + consequently to Madam de Luxembourg; for they always seemed to me to be + so sincerely united, that the sentiments in favor of the one necessarily + extended to the other. The marechal grew old. His assiduity at court, + the cares this brought on, continually hunting, fatigue, and especially + that of the service during the quarter he was in waiting, required the + vigor of a young man, and I did not perceive anything that could support + his in that course of life; since, besides after his death, his + dignities were to be dispersed and his name extinct, it was by no means + necessary for him to continue a laborious life of which the principal + object had been to dispose the prince favorably to his children. One day + when we three were together, and he complained of the fatigues of the + court, as a man who had been discouraged by his losses, I took the + liberty to speak of retirement, and to give him the advice Cyneas gave + to Pyrrhus. He sighed, and returned no positive answer. But the moment + Madam de Luxembourg found me alone she reprimanded me severely for what + I had said, at which she seemed to be alarmed. She made a remark of + which I so strongly felt the justness that I determined never again to + touch upon the subject: this was, that the long habit of living at court + made that life necessary, that it was become a matter of amusement for + M. de Luxembourg, and that the retirement I proposed to him would be + less a relaxation from care than an exile, in which inactivity, + weariness and melancholy would soon put an end to his existence. + Although she must have perceived I was convinced, and ought to have + relied upon the promise I made her, and which I faithfully kept, she + still seemed to doubt of it; and I recollect that the conversations I + afterwards had with the marechal were less frequent and almost always + interrupted. + </p> + <p> + Whilst my stupidity and awkwardness injured me in her opinion, persons + whom she frequently saw and most loved, were far from being disposed to + aid me in gaining what I had lost. The Abbe de Boufflers especially, a + young man as lofty as it was possible for a man to be, never seemed well + disposed towards me; and besides his being the only person of the + society of Madam de Luxembourg who never showed me the least attention, + I thought I perceived I lost something with her every time he came to + the castle. It is true that without his wishing this to be the case, his + presence alone was sufficient to produce the effect; so much did his + graceful and elegant manner render still more dull my stupid propositi. + During the first two years he seldom came to Montmorency, and by the + indulgence of Madam de Luxembourg I had tolerably supported myself, but + as soon as his visits began to be regular I was irretrievably lost. I + wished to take refuge under his wing, and gain his friendship; but the + same awkwardness which made it necessary I should please him prevented + me from succeeding in the attempt I made to do it, and what I did with + that intention entirely lost me with Madam de Luxembourg, without being + of the least service to me with the abbe. With his understanding he + might have succeeded in anything, but the impossibility of applying + himself, and his turn for dissipation, prevented his acquiring a perfect + knowledge of any subject. His talents are however various, and this is + sufficient for the circles in which he wishes to distinguish himself. He + writes light poetry and fashionable letters, strums on the cithern, and + pretends to draw with crayon. He took it into his head to attempt the + portrait of Madam de Luxembourg; the sketch he produced was horrid. She + said it did not in the least resemble her and this was true. The + traitorous abbe consulted me, and I like a fool and a liar, said there + was a likeness. I wished to flatter the abbe, but I did not please the + lady who noted down what I had said, and the abbe, having obtained what + he wanted, laughed at me in his turn. I perceived by the ill success of + this my late beginning the necessity of making another attempt to + flatter 'invita Minerva'. + </p> + <p> + My talent was that of telling men useful but severe truths with energy + and courage; to this it was necessary to confine myself. Not only I was + not born to flatter, but I knew not how to commend. The awkwardness of + the manner in which I have sometimes bestowed eulogium has done me more + harm than the severity of my censure. Of this I have to adduce one + terrible instance, the consequences of which have not only fixed my fate + for the rest of my life, but will perhaps decide on my reputation + throughout all posterity. + </p> + <p> + During the residence of M. de Luxembourg at Montmorency, M. de Choiseul + sometimes came to supper at the castle. He arrived there one day after I + had left it. My name was mentioned, and M. de Luxembourg related to him + what had happened at Venice between me and M. de Montaigu. M. de + Choiseul said it was a pity I had quitted that track, and that if I + chose to enter it again he would most willingly give me employment. M. + de Luxembourg told me what had passed. Of this I was the more sensible + as I was not accustomed to be spoiled by ministers, and had I been in a + better state of health it is not certain that I should not have been + guilty of a new folly. Ambition never had power over my mind except + during the short intervals in which every other passion left me at + liberty; but one of these intervals would have been sufficient to + determine me. This good intention of M. de Choiseul gained him my + attachment and increased the esteem which, in consequence of some + operations in his administration, I had conceived for his talents; and + the family compact in particular had appeared to me to evince a + statesman of the first order. He moreover gained ground in my estimation + by the little respect I entertained for his predecessors, not even + excepting Madam de Pompadour, whom I considered as a species of prime + minister, and when it was reported that one of these two would expel the + other, I thought I offered up prayers for the honor of France when I + wished that M. de Choiseul might triumph. I had always felt an antipathy + to Madam de Pompadour, even before her preferment; I had seen her with + Madam de la Popliniere when her name was still Madam d'Etioles. I was + afterwards dissatisfied with her silence on the subject of Diderot, and + with her proceedings relative to myself, as well on the subject of the + 'Muses Galantes', as on that of the 'Devin du Village', which had not in + any manner produced me advantages proportioned to its success; and on + all occasions I had found her but little disposed to serve me. This + however did not prevent the Chevalier de Lorenzy from proposing to me to + write something in praise of that lady, insinuating that I might acquire + some advantage by it. The proposition excited my indignation, the more + as I perceived it did not come from himself, knowing that, passive as he + was, he thought and acted according to the impulsion he received. I am + so little accustomed to constraint that it was impossible for me to + conceal from him my disdain, nor from anybody the moderate opinion I had + of the favorite; this I am sure she knew, and thus my own interest was + added to my natural inclination in the wishes I formed for M. de + Choiseul. Having a great esteem for his talents, which was all I knew of + him, full of gratitude for his kind intentions, and moreover + unacquainted in my retirement with his taste and manner of living, I + already considered him as the avenger of the public and myself; and + being at that time writing the conclusion of my Social Contract, I + stated in it, in a single passage, what I thought of preceding + ministers, and of him by whom they began to be eclipsed. On this + occasion I acted contrary to my most constant maxim; and besides, I did + not recollect that, in bestowing praise and strongly censuring in the + same article, without naming the persons, the language must be so + appropriated to those to whom it is applicable, that the most ticklish + pride cannot find in it the least thing equivocal. I was in this respect + in such an imprudent security, that I never once thought it was possible + any one should make a false application. It will soon appear whether or + not I was right. + </p> + <p> + One of my misfortunes was always to be connected with some female + author. This I thought I might avoid amongst the great. I was deceived; + it still pursued me. Madam de Luxembourg was not, however; at least that + I know of, attacked with the mania of writing; but Madam de Boufflers + was. She wrote a tragedy in prose, which, in the first place, was read, + handed about, and highly spoken of in the society of the Prince Conti, + and upon which, not satisfied with the encomiums she received, she would + absolutely consult me for the purpose of having mine. This she obtained, + but with that moderation which the work deserved. She besides had with + it the information I thought it my duty to give her, that her piece, + entitled 'L'Esclave Genereux', greatly resembled the English tragedy of + 'Oroonoko', but little known in France, although translated into the + French language. Madam de Bouffiers thanked me for the remark, but, + however, assured me there was not the least resemblance between her + piece and the other. I never spoke of the plagiarisms except to herself, + and I did it to discharge a duty she had imposed on me; but this has not + since prevented me from frequently recollecting the consequences of the + sincerity of Gil Blas to the preaching archbishop. + </p> + <p> + Besides the Abbe de Bouffiers, by whom I was not beloved, and Madam de + Bouffiers, in whose opinion I was guilty of that which neither women nor + authors ever pardon, the other friends of Madam de Luxembourg never + seemed much disposed to become mine, particularly the President Henault, + who, enrolled amongst authors, was not exempt from their weaknesses; + also Madam du Deffand, and Mademoiselle de Lespinasse, both intimate + with Voltaire and the friends of D'Alembert, with whom the latter at + length lived, however upon an honorable footing, for it cannot be + understood I mean otherwise. I first began to interest myself for Madam + du Deffand, whom the loss of her eyes made an object of commiseration in + mine; but her manner of living so contrary to my own, that her hour of + going to bed was almost mine for rising; her unbounded passion for low + wit, the importance she gave to every kind of printed trash, either + complimentary or abusive, the despotism and transports of her oracles, + her excessive admiration or dislike of everything, which did not permit + her to speak upon any subject without convulsions, her inconceivable + prejudices, invincible obstinacy, and the enthusiasm of folly to which + this carried her in her passionate judgments; all disgusted me and + diminished the attention I wished to pay her. I neglected her and she + perceived it; this was enough to set her in a rage, and, although I was + sufficiently aware how much a woman of her character was to be feared, I + preferred exposing myself to the scourge of her hatred rather than to + that of her friendship. + </p> + <p> + My having so few friends in the society of Madam de Luxembourg would not + have been in the least dangerous had I had no enemies in the family. Of + these I had but one, who, in my then situation, was as powerful as a + hundred. It certainly was not M. de Villeroy, her brother; for he not + only came to see me, but had several times invited me to Villeroy; and + as I had answered to the invitation with all possible politeness and + respect, he had taken my vague manner of doing it as a consent, and + arranged with Madam de Luxembourg a journey of a fortnight, in which it + was proposed to me to make one of the party. As the cares my health then + required did not permit me to go from home without risk, I prayed Madam + de Luxembourg to have the goodness to make my apologies. Her answer + proves this was done with all possible ease, and M. de Villeroy still + continued to show me his usual marks of goodness. His nephew and heir, + the young Marquis of Villeroy, had not for me the same benevolence, nor + had I for him the respect I had for his uncle. His harebrained manner + rendered him insupportable to me, and my coldness drew upon me his + aversion. He insultingly attacked me one evening at table, and I had the + worst of it because I am a fool, without presence of mind; and because + anger, instead of rendering my wit more poignant, deprives me of the + little I have. I had a dog which had been given me when he was quite + young, soon after my arrival at the Hermitage, and which I had called + Duke. This dog, not handsome, but rare of his kind, of which I had made + my companion and friend, a title which he certainly merited much more + than most of the persons by whom it was taken, became in great request + at the castle of Montmorency for his good nature and fondness, and the + attachment we had for each other; but from a foolish pusillanimity I had + changed his name to Turk, as if there were not many dogs called Marquis, + without giving the least offence to any marquis whatsoever. The Marquis + of Villeroy, who knew of the change of name, attacked me in such a + manner that I was obliged openly at table to relate what I had done. + Whatever there might be offensive in the name of duke, it was not in my + having given but in my having taken it away. The worst of it all was, + there were many dukes present, amongst others M. de Luxembourg and his + son; and the Marquis de Villeroy, who was one day to have, and now has + the title, enjoyed in the most cruel manner the embarrassment into which + he had thrown me. I was told the next day his aunt had severely + reprimanded him, and it may be judged whether or not, supposing her to + have been serious, this put me upon better terms with him. + </p> + <p> + To enable me to support his enmity I had no person, neither at the Hotel + de Luxembourg nor at the Temple, except the Chevalier de Lorenzy, who + professed himself my friend; but he was more that of D'Alembert, under + whose protection he passed with women for a great geometrician. He was + more, over the cicisbe, or rather the complaisant chevalier of the + Countess of Boufflers, a great friend also to D'Alembert, and the + Chevalier de Lorenzy was the most passive instrument in her hands. Thus, + far from having in that circle any counter-balance to my inaptitude, to + keep me in the good graces of Madam de Luxembourg, everybody who + approached her seemed to concur in injuring me in her good opinion. Yet, + besides Emilius, with which she charged herself, she gave me at the same + time another mark of her benevolence, which made me imagine that, + although wearied with my conversation, she would still preserve for me + the friendship she had so many times promised me for life. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I thought I could depend upon this, I began to ease my heart, + by confessing to her all my faults, having made it an inviolable maxim + to show myself to my friends such as I really was, neither better nor + worse. I had declared to her my connection with Theresa, and everything + that had resulted from it, without concealing the manner in which I had + disposed of my children. She had received my confessions favorably, and + even too much so, since she spared me the censures I so much merited; + and what made the greatest impression upon me was her goodness to + Theresa, making her presents, sending for her, and begging her to come + and see her, receiving her with caresses, and often embracing her in + public. This poor girl was in transports of joy and gratitude, of which + I certainly partook; the friendship Madam de Luxembourg showed me in her + condescensions to Theresa affected me much more than if they had been + made immediately to myself. + </p> + <p> + Things remained in this state for a considerable time; but at length + Madam de Luxembourg carried her goodness so far as to have a desire to + take one of my children from the hospital. She knew I had put a cipher + into the swaddling clothes of the eldest; she asked me for the + counterpart of the cipher,, and I gave it to her. In this research she + employed La Roche, her valet de chambre and confidential servant, who + made vain inquiries, although after only about twelve or fourteen years, + had the registers of the foundling hospital been in order, or the search + properly made, the original cipher ought to have been found. However + this may be, I was less sorry for his want of success than I should have + been had I from time to time continued to see the child from its birth + until that moment. If by the aid of the indications given, another child + had been presented as my own, the doubt of its being so in fact, and the + fear of having one thus substituted for it, would have contracted my + affections, and I should not have tasted of the charm of the real + sentiment of nature. This during infancy stands in need of being + supported by habit. The long absence of a child whom the father has seen + but for an instant, weakens, and at length annihilates paternal + sentiment, and parents will never love a child sent to nurse, like that + which is brought up under their eyes. This reflection may extenuate my + faults in their effects, but it must aggravate them in their source. + </p> + <p> + It may not perhaps be useless to remark that by the means of Theresa, + the same La Roche became acquainted with Madam le Vasseur, whom Grimm + still kept at Deuil, near La Chevrette, and not far from Montmorency. + </p> + <p> + After my departure it was by means of La Roche that I continued to send + this woman the money I had constantly sent her at stated times, and I am + of opinion he often carried her presents from Madam de Luxembourg; + therefore she certainly was not to be pitied, although she constantly + complained. With respect to Grimm, as I am not fond of speaking of + persons whom I ought to hate, I never mentioned his name to Madam de + Luxembourg, except when I could not avoid it; but she frequently made + him the subject of conversation, without telling me what she thought of + the man, or letting me discover whether or not he was of her + acquaintance. Reserve with people I love and who are open with me being + contrary to my nature, especially in things relating to themselves, I + have since that time frequently thought of that of Madam de Luxembourg; + but never, except when other events rendered the recollection natural. + </p> + <p> + Having waited a long time without hearing speak of Emilius, after I had + given it to Madam de Luxembourg, I at last heard the agreement was made + at Paris, with the bookseller Duchesne, and by him with Neaulme, of + Amsterdam. Madam de Luxembourg sent me the original and the duplicate of + my agreement with Duchesne, that I might sign them. I discovered the + writing to be by the same hand as that of the letters of M. de + Malesherbes, which he himself did not write. The certainty that my + agreement was made by the consent, and under the eye of that magistrate, + made me sign without hesitation. Duchesne gave me for the manuscript six + thousand livres(two hundred and fifty pounds), half in specie, and one + or two hundred copies. After having signed the two parts, I sent them + both to Madam de Luxembourg, according to her desire; she gave one to + Duchesne, and instead of returning the other kept it herself, so that I + never saw it afterwards. + </p> + <p> + My acquaintance with M. and Madam de Luxembourg, though it diverted me a + little from my plan of retirement, did not make me entirely renounce it. + Even at the time I was most in favor with Madam de Luxembourg, I always + felt that nothing but my sincere attachment to the marechal and herself + could render to me supportable the people with whom they were connected, + and all the difficulty I had was in conciliating this attachment with a + manner of life more agreeable to my inclination, and less contrary to my + health, which constraint and late suppers continually deranged, + notwithstanding all the care taken to prevent it; for in this, as in + everything else, attention was carried as far as possible; thus, for + instance, every evening after supper the marechal, who went early to + bed, never failed, notwithstanding everything that could be said to the + contrary, to make me withdraw at the same time. It was not until some + little time before my catastrophe that, for what reason I know not, he + ceased to pay me that attention. Before I perceived the coolness of + Madam de Luxembourg, I was desirous, that I might not expose myself to + it, to execute my old project; but not having the means to that effect, + I was obliged to wait for the conclusion of the agreement for 'Emilius', + and in the time I finished the 'Social Contract', and sent it to Rey, + fixing the price of the manuscript at a thousand livres (forty-one + pounds), which he paid me. + </p> + <p> + I ought not perhaps to omit a trifling circumstance relative to this + manuscript. I gave it, well sealed up, to Du Voisin, a minister in the + pays de Vaud and chaplain at the Hotel de Hollande, who sometimes came + to see me, and took upon himself to send the packet to Rey, with whom he + was connected. The manuscript, written in a small letter, was but very + trifling, and did not fill his pocket. Yet, in passing the barriere, the + packet fell, I know not by what means, into the hands of the Commis, who + opened and examined it, and afterwards returned it to him, when he had + reclaimed it in the name of the ambassador. This gave him an opportunity + of reading it himself, which he ingeniously wrote me he had done, + speaking highly of the work, without suffering a word of criticism or + censure to escape him; undoubtedly reserving to himself to become the + avenger of Christianity as soon as the work should appear. He resealed + the packet and sent it to Rey. Such is the substance of his narrative in + the letter in which he gave an account of the affair, and is all I ever + knew of the matter. + </p> + <p> + Besides these two books and my dictionary of music, at which I still did + something as opportunity offered, I had other works of less importance + ready to make their appearance, and which I proposed to publish either + separately or in my general collection, should I ever undertake it. The + principal of these works, most of which are still in manuscript in the + hands of De Peyrou, was an essay on the origin of Languages, which I had + read to M. de Malesherbes and the Chevalier de Lorenzy, who spoke + favorably of it. I expected all the productions together would produce + me a net capital of from eight to ten thousand livres (three to four + hundred pounds), which I intended to sink in annuities for my life and + that of Theresa; after which, our design, as I have already mentioned, + was to go and live together in the midst of some province, without + further troubling the public about me, or myself with any other project + than that of peacefully ending my days and still continuing to do in my + neighborhood all the good in my power, and to write at leisure the + memoirs which I intended. + </p> + <p> + Such was my intention, and the execution of it was facilitated by an act + of generosity in Rey, upon which I cannot be silent. This bookseller, of + whom so many unfavorable things were told me in Paris, is, + notwithstanding, the only one with whom I have always had reason to be + satisfied. It is true, we frequently disagreed as to the execution of my + works. He was heedless and I was choleric; but in matters of interest + which related to them, although I never made with him an agreement in + form, I always found in him great exactness and probity. He is also the + only person of his profession who frankly confessed to me he gained + largely by my means; and he frequently, when he offered me a part of his + fortune, told me I was the author of it all. Not finding the means of + exercising his gratitude immediately upon myself, he wished at least to + give me proofs of it in the person of my governante, upon whom he + settled an annuity of three hundred livres (twelve pounds), expressing + in the deed that it was an acknowledgment for the advantages I had + procured him. This he did between himself and me, without ostentation, + pretension, or noise, and had not I spoken of it to anybody, not a + single person would ever have known anything of the matter. I was so + pleased with this action that I became attached to Rey, and conceived + for him a real friendship. Sometime afterwards he desired I would become + godfather to one of his children; I consented, and a part of my regret + in the situation to which I am reduced, is my being deprived of the + means of rendering in future my attachment of my goddaughter useful to + her and her parents. Why am I, who am so sensible of the modest + generosity of this bookseller, so little so of the noisy eagerness of + many persons of the highest rank, who pompously fill the world with + accounts of the services they say they wished to render me, but the good + effects of which I never felt? Is it their fault or mine? Are they + nothing more than vain; is my insensibility purely ingratitude? + Intelligent reader weigh and determine; for my part I say no more. + </p> + <p> + This pension was a great resource to Theresa and considerable + alleviation to me, although I was far from receiving from it a direct + advantage, any more than from the presents that were made her. + </p> + <p> + She herself has always disposed of everything. When I kept her money I + gave her a faithful account of it, without ever applying any part of the + deposit to our common expenses, not even when she was richer than + myself. "What is mine is ours," said I to her; "and what is thine is + thine." I never departed from this maxim. They who have had the baseness + to accuse me of receiving by her hands that which I refused to take with + mine, undoubtedly judged of my heart by their own, and knew but little + of me. I would willingly eat with her the bread she should have earned, + but not that she should have had given her. For a proof of this I appeal + to herself, both now and hereafter, when, according to the course of + nature, she shall have survived me. Unfortunately, she understands but + little of economy in any respect, and is, besides, careless and + extravagant, not from vanity nor gluttony, but solely from negligence. + No creature is perfect here below, and since the excellent qualities + must be accompanied with some detects; I prefer these to vices; although + her defects are more prejudicial to us both. The efforts I have made, as + formerly I did for mamma, to accumulate something in advance which might + some day be to her a never-failing resource, are not to be conceived; + but my cares were always ineffectual. + </p> + <p> + Neither of these women ever called themselves to an account, and, + notwithstanding all my efforts, everything I acquired was dissipated as + fast as it came. Notwithstanding the great simplicity of Theresa's + dress, the pension from Rey has never been sufficient to buy her + clothes, and I have every year been under the necessity of adding + something to it for that purpose. We are neither of us born to be rich, + and this I certainly do not reckon amongst our misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + The 'Social Contract' was soon printed. This was not the case with + 'Emilius', for the publication of which I waited to go into the + retirement I meditated. Duchesne, from time to time, sent me specimens + of impression to choose from; when I had made my choice, instead of + beginning he sent me others. When, at length, we were fully determined + on the size and letter, and several sheets were already printed off, on + some trifling alteration I made in a proof, he began the whole again; + and at the end of six months we were in less forwardness than on the + first day. During all these experiments I clearly perceived the work was + printing in France as well as in Holland, and that two editions of it + were preparing at the same time. What could I do? The manuscript was no + longer mine. Far from having anything to do with the edition in France, + I was always against it; but since, at length, this was preparing in + spite of all opposition, and was to serve as a model to the other, it + was necessary I should cast my eyes over it and examine the proofs, that + my work might not be mutilated. It was, besides, printed so much by the + consent of the magistrate, that it was he who, in some measure, directed + the undertaking; he likewise wrote to me frequently, and once came to + see me and converse on the subject upon an occasion of which I am going + to speak. + </p> + <p> + Whilst Duchesne crept like a snail, Neaulme, whom he withheld, scarcely + moved at all. The sheets were not regularly sent him as they were + printed. He thought there was some trick in the manoeuvre of Duchesne, + that is, of Guy who acted for him; and perceiving the terms of the + agreement to be departed from, he wrote me letter after letter full of + complaints, and it was less possible for me to remove the subject of + them than that of those I myself had to make. His friend Guerin, who at + that time came frequently to see my house, never ceased speaking to me + about the work, but always with the greatest reserve. He knew and he did + not know that it was printing in France, and that the magistrate had a + hand in it. In expressing his concern for my embarrassment, he seemed to + accuse me of imprudence without ever saying in what this consisted; he + incessantly equivocated, and seemed to speak for no other purpose than + to hear what I had to say. I thought myself so secure that I laughed at + his mystery and circumspection as at a habit he had contracted with + ministers and magistrates whose offices he much frequented. Certain of + having conformed to every rule with the work, and strongly persuaded + that I had not only the consent and protection of the magistrate, but + that the book merited and had obtained the favor of the minister, I + congratulated myself upon my courage in doing good, and laughed at my + pusillanimous friends who seemed uneasy on my account. Duclos was one of + these, and I confess my confidence in his understanding and uprightness + might have alarmed me, had I had less in the utility of the work and in + the probity of those by whom it was patronized. He came from the house + of M. Baille to see me whilst 'Emilius' was in the press; he spoke to me + concerning it; I read to him the 'Profession of Faith of the Savoyard + Vicar', to which he listened attentively and, as it seemed to me with + pleasure. When I had finished he said: "What! citizen, this is a part of + a work now printing in Paris?"—"Yes," answered I, and it ought to + be printed at the Louvre by order of the king."—I confess it," + replied he; "but pray do not mention to anybody your having read to me + this fragment." + </p> + <p> + This striking manner of expressing himself surprised without alarming + me. I knew Duclos was intimate with M. de Malesherbes, and I could not + conceive how it was possible he should think so differently from him + upon the same subject. + </p> + <p> + I had lived at Montmorency for the last four years without ever having + had there one day of good health. Although the air is excellent, the + water is bad, and this may possibly be one of the causes which + contributed to increase my habitual complaints. Towards the end of the + autumn of 1767, I fell quite ill, and passed the whole winter in + suffering almost without intermission. The physical ill, augmented by a + thousand inquietudes, rendered these terrible. For some time past my + mind had been disturbed by melancholy forebodings without my knowing to + what these directly tended. I received anonymous letters of an + extraordinary nature, and others, that were signed, much of the same + import. I received one from a counsellor of the parliament of Paris, + who, dissatisfied with the present constitution of things, and + foreseeing nothing but disagreeable events, consulted me upon the choice + of an asylum at Geneva or in Switzerland, to retire to with his family. + An other was brought me from M. de ——, 'president a mortier' + of the parliament of ——, who proposed to me to draw up for + this Parliament, which was then at variance with the court, memoirs and + remonstrances, and offering to furnish me with all the documents and + materials necessary for that purpose. + </p> + <p> + When I suffer I am subject to ill humor. This was the case when I + received these letters, and my answers to them, in which I flatly + refused everything that was asked of me, bore strong marks of the effect + they had had upon my mind. I do not however reproach myself with this + refusal, as the letters might be so many snares laid by my enemies, and + what was required of me was contrary to the principles from which I was + less willing than ever to swerve. But having it within my power to + refuse with politeness I did it with rudeness, and in this consists my + error. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [I knew, for instance, the President de—— to be connected + with the Encyclopedists and the Holbachiens] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + The two letters of which I have just spoken will be found amongst my + papers. The letter from the chancellor did not absolutely surprise me, + because I agreed with him in opinion, and with many others, that the + declining constitution of France threatened an approaching destruction. + The disasters of an unsuccessful war, all of which proceeded from a + fault in the government; the incredible confusion in the finances; the + perpetual drawings upon the treasury by the administration, which was + then divided between two or three ministers, amongst whom reigned + nothing but discord, and who, to counteract the operations of each + other, let the kingdom go to ruin; the discontent of the people, and of + every other rank of subjects; the obstinacy of a woman who, constantly + sacrificing her judgment, if she indeed possessed any, to her + inclinations, kept from public employment persons capable of discharging + the duties of them, to place in them such as pleased her best; + everything occurred in justifying the foresight of the counsellor, that + of the public, and my own. This, made me several times consider whether + or not I myself should seek an asylum out of the kingdom before it was + torn by the dissensions by which it seemed to be threatened; but + relieved from my fears by my insignificance, and the peacefulness of my + disposition, I thought that in the state of solitude in which I was + determined to live, no public commotion could reach me. I was sorry only + that, in this state of things, M. de Luxembourg should accept + commissions which tended to injure him in the opinion of the persons of + the place of which he was governor. I could have wished he had prepared + himself a retreat there, in case the great machine had fallen in pieces, + which seemed much to be apprehended; and still appears to me beyond a + doubt, that if the reins of government had not fallen into a single + hand, the French monarchy would now be at the last gasp. + </p> + <p> + Whilst my situation became worse the printing of 'Emilius' went on more + slowly, and was at length suspended without my being able to learn the + reason why; Guy did not deign to answer my letter of inquiry, and I + could obtain no information from any person of what was going forward. + M. de Malesherbes being then in the country. A misfortune never makes me + uneasy provided I know in what it consists; but it is my nature to be + afraid of darkness, I tremble at the appearance of it; mystery always + gives me inquietude, it is too opposite to my natural disposition, in + which there is an openness bordering on imprudence. The sight of the + most hideous monster would, I am of opinion, alarm me but little; but if + by night I were to see a figure in a white sheet I should be afraid of + it. My imagination, wrought upon by this long silence, was now employed + in creating phantoms. I tormented myself the more in endeavoring to + discover the impediment to the printing of my last and best production, + as I had the publication of it much at heart; and as I always carried + everything to an extreme, I imagined that I perceived in the suspension + the suppression of the work. Yet, being unable to discover either the + cause or manner of it, I remained in the most cruel state of suspense. I + wrote letter after letter to Guy, to M. de Malesherbes and to Madam de + Luxembourg, and not receiving answers, at least when I expected them, my + head became so affected that I was not far from a delirium. I + unfortunately heard that Father Griffet, a Jesuit, had spoken of + 'Emilius' and repeated from it some passages. My imagination instantly + unveiled to me the mystery of iniquity; I saw the whole progress of it + as clearly as if it had been revealed to me. I figured to myself that + the Jesuits, furious on account of the contemptuous manner in which I + had spoken of colleges, were in possession of my work; that it was they + who had delayed the publication; that, informed by their friend Guerin + of my situation, and foreseeing my approaching dissolution, of which I + myself had no manner of doubt, they wished to delay the appearance of + the work until after that event, with an intention to curtail and + mutilate it, and in favor of their own views, to attribute to me + sentiments not my own. The number of facts and circumstances which + occurred to my mind, in confirmation of this silly proposition, and gave + it an appearance of truth supported by evidence and demonstration, is + astonishing. I knew Guerin to be entirely in the interest of the + Jesuits. I attributed to them all the friendly advances he had made me; + I was persuaded he had, by their entreaties, pressed me to engage with + Neaulme, who had given them the first sheets of my work; that they had + afterwards found means to stop the printing of it by Duchesne, and + perhaps to get possession of the manuscript to make such alterations in + it as they should think proper, that after my death they might publish + it disguised in their own manner. I had always perceived, + notwithstanding the wheedling of Father Berthier, that the Jesuits did + not like me, not only as an Encyclopedist, but because all my principles + were more in opposition to their maxims and influence than the + incredulity of my colleagues, since atheistical and devout fanaticism, + approaching each other by their common enmity to toleration, may become + united; a proof of which is seen in China, and in the cabal against + myself; whereas religion, both reasonable and moral, taking away all + power over the conscience, deprives those who assume that power of every + resource. I knew the chancellor was a great friend to the Jesuits, and I + had my fears less the son, intimidated by the father, should find + himself under the necessity of abandoning the work he had protected. I + besides imagined that I perceived this to be the case in the chicanery + employed against me relative to the first two volumes, in which + alterations were required for reasons of which I could not feel the + force; whilst the other two volumes were known to contain things of such + a nature as, had the censor objected to them in the manner he did to the + passages he thought exceptionable in the others, would have required + their being entirely written over again. I also understood, and M. de + Malesherbes himself told me of it, that the Abbe de Grave, whom he had + charged with the inspection of this edition, was another partisan of the + Jesuits. I saw nothing but Jesuits, without considering that, upon the + point of being suppressed, and wholly taken up in making their defence, + they had something which interested them much more than the cavillings + relative to a work in which they were not in question. I am wrong, + however, in saying this did not occur to me; for I really thought of it, + and M. de Malesherbes took care to make the observation to me the moment + he heard of my extravagant suspicions. But by another of those + absurdities of a man, who, from the bosom of obscurity, will absolutely + judge of the secret of great affairs, with which he is totally + unacquainted. I never could bring myself to believe the Jesuits were in + danger, and I considered the rumor of their suppression as an artful + manoeuvre of their own to deceive their adversaries. Their past + successes, which had been uninterrupted, gave me so terrible an idea of + the power, that I already was grieved at the overthrow of the + parliament. I knew M. de Choiseul had prosecuted his studies under the + Jesuits, that Madam de Pompadour was not upon bad terms with them, and + that their league with favorites and ministers had constantly appeared + advantageous to their order against their common enemies. The court + seemed to remain neuter, and persuaded as I was that should the society + receive a severe check it would not come from the parliament, I saw in + the inaction of government the ground of their confidence and the omen + of their triumph. + </p> + <p> + In fine, perceiving in the rumors of the day nothing more than art and + dissimulation on their part, and thinking they, in their state of + security, had time to watch over all their interests, I had had not the + least doubt of their shortly crushing Jansenism, the parliament and the + Encyclopedists, with every other association which should not submit to + their yoke; and that if they ever suffered my work to appear, this would + not happen until it should be so transformed as to favor their + pretensions, and thus make use of my name the better to deceive my + readers. + </p> + <p> + I felt my health and strength decline; and such was the horror with + which my mind was filled, at the idea of dishonor to my memory in the + work most worthy of myself, that I am surprised so many extravagant + ideas did not occasion a speedy end to my existence. I never was so much + afraid of death as at this time, and had I died with the apprehensions I + then had upon my mind, I should have died in despair. At present, + although I perceived no obstacle to the execution of the blackest and + most dreadful conspiracy ever formed against the memory of a man, I + shall die much more in peace, certain of leaving in my writings a + testimony in my favor, and one which, sooner or later, will triumph over + the calumnies of mankind. + </p> + <p> + M. de Malesherbes, who discovered the agitation of my mind, and to whom + I acknowledged it, used such endeavors to restore me to tranquility as + proved his excessive goodness of heart. Madam de Luxembourg aided him in + his good work, and several times went to Duchesne to know in what state + the edition was. At length the impression was again begun, and the + progress of it became more rapid than ever, without my knowing for what + reason it had been suspended. M. de Malesherbes took the trouble to come + to Montmorency to calm my mind; in this he succeeded, and the full + confidence I had in his uprightness having overcome the derangement of + my poor head, gave efficacy to the endeavors he made to restore it. + After what he had seen of my anguish and delirium, it was natural he + should think I was to be pitied; and he really commiserated my + situation. The expressions, incessantly repeated, of the philosophical + cabal by which he was surrounded, occurred to his memory. When I went to + live at the Hermitage, they, as I have already remarked, said I should + not remain there long. When they saw I persevered, they charged me with + obstinacy and pride, proceeding from a want of courage to retract, and + insisted that my life was there a burden to me; in short, that I was + very wretched. M. de Malesherbes believed this really to be the case, + and wrote to me upon the subject. This error in a man for whom I had so + much esteem gave me some pain, and I wrote to him four letters + successively, in which I stated the real motives of my conduct, and made + him fully acquainted with my taste, inclination and character, and with + the most interior sentiments of my heart. These letters, written + hastily, almost without taking pen from paper, and which I neither + copied, corrected, nor even read, are perhaps the only things I ever + wrote with facility, which, in the midst of my sufferings, was, I think, + astonishing. I sighed, as I felt myself declining, at the thought of + leaving in the midst of honest men an opinion of me so far from truth; + and by the sketch hastily given in my four letters, I endeavored, in + some measure, to substitute them to the memoirs I had proposed to write. + They are expressive of my grief to M. de Malesherbes, who showed them in + Paris, and are, besides, a kind of summary of what I here give in + detail, and, on this account, merit preservation. The copy I begged of + them some years afterwards will be found amongst my papers. + </p> + <p> + The only thing which continued to give me pain, in the idea of my + approaching dissolution, was my not having a man of letters for a + friend, to whom I could confide my papers, that after my death he might + take a proper choice of such as were worthy of publication. + </p> + <p> + After my journey to Geneva, I conceived a friendship for Moulton; this + young man pleased me, and I could have wished him to receive my last + breath. I expressed to him this desire, and am of opinion he would + readily have complied with it, had not his affairs prevented him from so + doing. Deprived of this consolation, I still wished to give him a mark + of my confidence by sending him the 'Profession of Faith of the Savoyard + Vicar' before it was published. He was pleased with the work, but did + not in his answer seem so fully to expect from it the effect of which I + had but little doubt. He wished to receive from me some fragment which I + had not given to anybody else. I sent him the funeral oration of the + late Duke of Orleans; this I had written for the Abbe Darty, who had not + pronounced it, because, contrary to his expectation, another person was + appointed to perform that ceremony. + </p> + <p> + The printing of Emilius, after having been again taken in hand, was + continued and completed without much difficulty; and I remarked this + singularity, that after the curtailings so much insisted upon in the + first two volumes, the last two were passed over without an objection, + and their contents did not delay the publication for a moment. I had, + however, some uneasiness which I must not pass over in silence. After + having been afraid of the Jesuits, I begun to fear the Jansenists and + philosophers. An enemy to party, faction and cabal, I never heard the + least good of parties concerned in them. The gossips had quitted their + old abode and taken up their residence by the side of me, so that in + their chamber, everything said in mine, and upon the terrace, was + distinctly heard; and from their garden it would have been easy to scale + the low wall by which it was separated from my alcove. This was become + my study; my table was covered with proofsheets of Emilius and the + Social Contract and stitching these sheets as they were sent to me, I + had all my volumes a long time before they were published. My negligence + and the confidence I had in M. Mathas, in whose garden I was shut up, + frequently made me forget to lock the door at night, and in the morning + I several times found it wide open; this, however, would not have given + me the least inquietude had I not thought my papers seemed to have been + deranged. After having several times made the same remark, I became more + careful, and locked the door. The lock was a bad one, and the key turned + in it no more than half round. As I became more attentive, I found my + papers in a much greater confusion than they were when I left everything + open. At length I missed one of my volumes without knowing what was + become of it until the morning of the third day, when I again found it + upon the table. I never suspected either M. Mathas or his nephew M. du + Moulin, knowing myself to be beloved by both, and my confidence in them + was unbounded. That I had in the gossips began to diminish. Although + they were Jansenists, I knew them to have some connection with D' + Alembert, and moreover they all three lodged in the same house. This + gave me some uneasiness, and put me more upon my guard. I removed my + papers from the alcove to my chamber, and dropped my acquaintance with + these people, having learned they had shown in several houses the first + volume of 'Emilius', which I had been imprudent enough to lend them. + Although they continued until my departure to be my neighbors I never, + after my first suspicions, had the least communication with them. The + 'Social Contract' appeared a month or two before 'Emilius'. Rey, whom I + had desired never secretly to introduce into France any of my books, + applied to the magistrate for leave to send this book by Rouen, to which + place he sent his package by sea. He received no answer, and his bales, + after remaining at Rouen several months, were returned to him, but not + until an attempt had been made to confiscate them; this, probably, would + have been done had not he made a great clamor. Several persons, whose + curiosity the work had excited, sent to Amsterdam for copies, which were + circulated without being much noticed. Maulion, who had heard of this, + and had, I believe, seen the work, spoke to me on the subject with an + air of mystery which surprised me, and would likewise have made me + uneasy if, certain of having conformed to every rule, I had not by + virtue of my grand maxim, kept my mind calm. I moreover had no doubt but + M. de Choiseul, already well disposed towards me, and sensible of the + eulogium of his administration, which my esteem for him had induced me + to make in the work, would support me against the malevolence of Madam + de Pompadour. + </p> + <p> + I certainly had then as much reason as ever to hope for the goodness of + M. de Luxembourg, and even for his assistance in case of need; for he + never at any time had given me more frequent and more pointed marks of + his friendship. At the journey of Easter, my melancholy state no longer + permitting me to go to the castle, he never suffered a day to pass + without coming to see me, and at length, perceiving my sufferings to be + incessant, he prevailed upon me to determine to see Friar Come. He + immediately sent for him, came with him, and had the courage, uncommon + to a man of his rank, to remain with me during the operation which was + cruel and tedious. Upon the first examination, Come thought he found a + great stone, and told me so; at the second, he could not find it again. + After having made a third attempt with so much care and circumspection + that I thought the time long, he declared there was no stone, but that + the prostate gland was schirrous and considerably thickened. He besides + added, that I had a great deal to suffer, and should live a long time. + Should the second prediction be as fully accomplished as the first, my + sufferings are far from being at an end. + </p> + <p> + It was thus I learned after having been so many years treated for + disorders which I never had, that my incurable disease, without being + mortal, would last as long as myself. My imagination, repressed by this + information, no longer presented to me in prospective a cruel death in + the agonies of the stone. + </p> + <p> + Delivered from imaginary evils, more cruel to me than those which were + real, I more patiently suffered the latter. It is certain I have since + suffered less from my disorder than I had done before, and every time I + recollect that I owe this alleviation to M. de Luxembourg, his memory + becomes more dear to me. + </p> + <p> + Restored, as I may say, to life, and more than ever occupied with the + plan according to which I was determined to pass the rest of my days, + all the obstacle to the immediate execution of my design was the + publication of 'Emilius'. I thought of Touraine where I had already been + and which pleased me much, as well on account of the mildness of the + climate, as on that of the character of the inhabitants. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + 'La terra molle lieta a dilettosa Simile a se l'habitator produce.' + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + I had already spoken of my project to M. de Luxembourg, who endeavored + to dissuade me from it; I mentioned it to him a second time as a thing + resolved upon. He then offered me the castle of Merlon, fifteen leagues + from Paris, as an asylum which might be agreeable to me, and where he + and Madam de Luxembourg would have a real pleasure in seeing me settled. + The proposition made a pleasing impression on my mind. But the first + thing necessary was to see the place, and we agreed upon a day when the + marechal was to send his valet de chambre with a carriage to take me to + it. On the day appointed, I was much indisposed; the journey was + postponed, and different circumstances prevented me from ever making it. + I have since learned the estate of Merlou did not belong to the marechal + but to his lady, on which account I was the less sorry I had not gone to + live there. + </p> + <p> + 'Emilius' was at length given to the public, without my having heard + further of retrenchments or difficulties. Previous to the publication, + the marechal asked me for all the letters M. de Malesherbes had written + to me on the subject of the work. My great confidence in both, and the + perfect security in which I felt myself, prevented me from reflecting + upon this extraordinary and even alarming request. I returned all the + letters excepting one or two which, from inattention, were left between + the leaves of a book. A little time before this, M. de Malesherbes told + me he should withdraw the letters I had written to Duchesne during my + alarm relative to the Jesuits, and, it must be confessed, these letters + did no great honor to my reason. But in my answer I assured him I would + not in anything pass for being better than I was, and that he might + leave the letters where they were. I know not what he resolved upon. + </p> + <p> + The publication of this work was not succeeded by the applause which had + followed that of all my other writings. No work was ever more highly + spoken of in private, nor had any literary production ever had less + public approbation. What was said and written to me upon the subject by + persons most capable of judging, confirmed me in my opinion that it was + the best, as well as the most important of all the works I had produced. + But everything favorable was said with an air of the most extraordinary + mystery, as if there had been a necessity of keeping it a secret. Madam + de Boufflers, who wrote to me that the author of the work merited a + statue, and the homage of mankind, at the end of her letter desired it + might be returned to her. D'Alembert, who in his note said the work gave + me a decided superiority, and ought to place me at the head of men of + letters, did not sign what he wrote, although he had signed every note I + had before received from him. Duclos, a sure friend, a man of veracity, + but circumspect, although he had a good opinion of the work, avoided + mentioning it in his letters to me. La Condomine fell upon the + Confession of Faith, and wandered from the subject. Clairaut confined + himself to the same part; but he was not afraid of expressing to me the + emotion which the reading of it had caused in him, and in the most + direct terms wrote to me that it had warmed his old imagination: of all + those to whom I had sent my book, he was the only person who spoke + freely what he thought of it. + </p> + <p> + Mathas, to whom I also had given a copy before the publication, lent it + to M. de Blaire, counsellor in the parliament of Strasbourg. M. de + Blaire had a country-house at St. Gratien, and Mathas, his old + acquaintance, sometimes went to see him there. He made him read Emilius + before it was published. When he returned it to him, M. de Blaire + expressed himself in the following terms, which were repeated to me the + same day: "M. Mathas, this is a very fine work, but it will in a short + time be spoken of more than, for the author might be wished." I laughed + at the prediction, and saw in it nothing more than the importance of a + man of the robe, who treats everything with an air of mystery. All the + alarming observations repeated to me made no impression upon my mind, + and, far from foreseeing the catastrophe so near at hand, certain of the + utility and excellence of my work, and that I had in every respect + conformed to established rules; convinced, as I thought I was that I + should be supported by all the credit of M. de Luxembourg and the favor + of the ministry, I was satisfied with myself for the resolution I had + taken to retire in the midst of my triumphs, and at my return to crush + those by whom I was envied. + </p> + <p> + One thing in the publication of the work alarmed me, less on account of + my safety than for the unburdening of my mind. At the Hermitage and at + Montmorency I had seen with indignation the vexations which the jealous + care of the pleasures of princes causes to be exercised on wretched + peasants, forced to suffer the havoc made by game in their fields, + without daring to take any other measure to prevent this devastation + than that of making a noise, passing the night amongst the beans and + peas, with drums, kettles and bells, to keep off the wild boars. As I + had been a witness to the barbarous cruelty with which the Comte de + Charolois treated these poor people, I had toward the end of Emilius + exclaimed against it. This was another infraction of my maxims, which + has not remained unpunished. I was informed that the people of the + Prince of Conti were but little less severe upon his, estates; I + trembled less that prince, for whom I was penetrated with respect and + gratitude, should take to his own account what shocked humanity had made + me say on that of others, and feel himself offended. Yet, as my + conscience fully acquitted me upon this article, I made myself easy, and + by so doing acted wisely: at least, I have not heard that this great + prince took notice of the passage, which, besides, was written long + before I had the honor of being known to him. + </p> + <p> + A few days either before or after the publication of my work, for I do + not exactly recollect the time, there appeared another work upon the + same subject, taken verbatim from my first volume, except a few stupid + things which were joined to the extract. The book bore the name of a + Genevese, one Balexsert, and, according to the title-page, had gained + the premium in the Academy of Harlem. I easily imagined the academy and + the premium to be newly founded, the better to conceal the plagiarism + from the eyes of the public; but I further perceived there was some + prior intrigue which I could not unravel; either by the lending of my + manuscript, without which the theft could not have been committed, or + for the purpose of forging the story of the pretended premium, to which + it was necessary to give some foundation. It was not until several years + afterwards, that by a word which escaped D'Ivernois, I penetrated the + mystery and discovered those by whom Balexsert had been brought forward. + </p> + <p> + The low murmurings which precede a storm began to be heard, and men of + penetration clearly saw there was something gathering, relative to me + and my book, which would shortly break over my head. For my part my + stupidity was such, that, far from foreseeing my misfortune, I did not + suspect even the cause of it after I had felt its effect. It was + artfully given out that while the Jesuits were treated with severity, no + indulgence could be shown to books nor the authors of them in which + religion was attacked. I was reproached with having put my name to + Emilius, as if I had not put it to all my other works of which nothing + was said. Government seemed to fear it should be obliged to take some + steps which circumstances rendered necessary on account of my + imprudence. Rumors to this effect reached my ears, but gave me not much + uneasiness: it never even came into my head, that there could be the + least thing in the whole affair which related to me personally, so + perfectly irreproachable and well supported did I think myself; having + besides conformed to every ministerial regulation, I did not apprehend + Madam de Luxembourg would leave me in difficulties for an error, which, + if it existed, proceeded entirely from herself. But knowing the manner + of proceeding in like cases, and that it was customary to punish + booksellers while authors were favored; I had some uneasiness on account + of poor Duchesne, whom I saw exposed to danger, should M. de Malesherbes + abandon him. + </p> + <p> + My tranquility still continued. Rumors increased and soon changed their + nature. The public, and especially the parliament, seemed irritated by + my composure. In a few days the fermentation became terrible, and the + object of the menaces being changed, these were immediately addressed to + me. The parliamentarians were heard to declare that burning books was of + no effect, the authors also should be burned with them; not a word was + said of the booksellers. The first time these expressions, more worthy + of an inquisitor of Goa than a senator, were related to me, I had no + doubt of their coming from the Holbachiques with an intention to alarm + me and drive me from France. I laughed at their puerile manoeuvre, and + said they would, had they known the real state of things, have thought + of some other means of inspiring me with fear; but the rumor at length + became such that I perceived the matter was serious. M. and Madam de + Luxembourg had this year come to Montmorency in the month of June, + which, for their second journey, was more early than common. I heard but + little there of my new books, notwithstanding the noise they made in + Paris; neither the marechal nor his lady said a single word to me on the + subject. However, one morning, when M. de Luxembourg and I were + together, he asked me if, in the 'Social Contract', I had spoken ill of + M. de Choiseul. "I?" said I, retreating a few steps with surprise; "no, + I swear to you I have not; but on the contrary, I have made on him, and + with a pen not given to praise, the finest eulogium a minister ever + received." I then showed him the passage. "And in Emilius?" replied he. + "Not a word," said I; "there is not in it a single word which relates to + him."—"Ah!" said he, with more vivacity than was common to him, + "you should have taken the same care in the other book, or have + expressed yourself more clearly!" "I thought," replied I, "what I wrote + could not be misconstrued; my esteem for him was such as to make me + extremely cautious not to be equivocal." + </p> + <p> + He was again going to speak; I perceived him ready to open his mind: he + stopped short and held his tongue. Wretched policy of a courtier, which + in the best of hearts, subjugates friendship itself! + </p> + <p> + This conversation although short, explained to me my situation, at least + in certain respects, and gave me to understand that it was against + myself the anger of administration was raised. The unheard of fatality, + which turned to my prejudice all the good I did and wrote, afflicted my + heart. Yet, feeling myself shielded in this affair by Madam de + Luxembourg and M. de Malesherbes, I did not perceive in what my + persecutors could deprive me of their protection. However, I, from that + moment was convinced equity and judgment were no longer in question, and + that no pains would be spared in examining whether or not I was + culpable. The storm became still more menacing. Neaulme himself + expressed to me, in the excess of his babbling, how much he repented + having had anything to do in the business, and his certainty of the fate + with which the book and the author were threatened. One thing, however, + alleviated my fears: Madam de Luxembourg was so calm, satisfied and + cheerful, that I concluded she must necessarily be certain of the + sufficiency of her credit, especially if she did not seem to have the + least apprehension on my account; moreover, she said not to me a word + either of consolation or apology, and saw the turn the affair took with + as much unconcern as if she had nothing to do with it or anything else + that related to me. What surprised me most was her silence. I thought + she should have said something on the subject. Madam de Boufflers seemed + rather uneasy. She appeared agitated, strained herself a good deal, + assured me the Prince of Conti was taking great pains to ward off the + blow about to be directed against my person, and which she attributed to + the nature of present circumstances, in which it was of importance to + the parliament not to leave the Jesuits an opening whereby they might + bring an accusation against it as being indifferent with respect to + religion. She did not, however, seem to depend much either upon the + success of her own efforts or even those of the prince. Her + conversations, more alarming than consolatory, all tended to persuade me + to leave the kingdom and go to England, where she offered me an + introduction to many of her friends, amongst others one to the + celebrated Hume, with whom she had long been upon a footing of intimate + friendship. Seeing me still unshaken, she had recourse to other + arguments more capable of disturbing my tranquillity. She intimated + that, in case I was arrested and interrogated, I should be under the + necessity of naming Madam de Luxembourg, and that her friendship for me + required, on my part, such precautions as were necessary to prevent her + being exposed. My answer was, that should what she seemed to apprehend + come to pass, she need not be alarmed; that I should do nothing by which + the lady she mentioned might become a sufferer. She said such a + resolution was more easily taken than adhered to, and in this she was + right, especially with respect to me, determined as I always have been + neither to prejudice myself nor lie before judges, whatever danger there + might be in speaking the truth. + </p> + <p> + Perceiving this observation had made some impression upon my mind, + without however inducing me to resolve upon evasion, she spoke of the + Bastile for a few weeks, as a means of placing me beyond the reach of + the jurisdiction of the parliament, which has nothing to do with + prisoners of state. I had no objection to this singular favor, provided + it were not solicited in my name. As she never spoke of it a second + time, I afterwards thought her proposition was made to sound me, and + that the party did not think proper to have recourse to an expedient + which would have put an end to everything. + </p> + <p> + A few days afterwards the marechal received from the Cure de Dueil, the + friend of Grimm and Madam d'Epinay, a letter informing him, as from good + authority, that the parliament was to proceed against me with the + greatest severity, and that, on a day which he mentioned, an order was + to be given to arrest me. I imagined this was fabricated by the + Holbachiques; I knew the parliament to be very attentive to forms, and + that on this occasion, beginning by arresting me before it was + juridically known I avowed myself the author of the book was violating + them all. I observed to Madam de Boufflers that none but persons accused + of crimes which tend to endanger the public safety were, on a simple + information ordered to be arrested lest they should escape punishment. + But when government wish to punish a crime like mine, which merits honor + and recompense, the proceedings are directed against the book, and the + author is as much as possible left out of the question. + </p> + <p> + Upon this she made some subtle distinction, which I have forgotten, to + prove that ordering me to be arrested instead of summoning me to be + heard was a matter of favor. The next day I received a letter from Guy, + who informed me that having in the morning been with the + attorney-general, he had seen in his office a rough draft of a + requisition against Emilius and the author. Guy, it is to be remembered, + was the partner of Duchesne, who had printed the work, and without + apprehensions on his own account, charitably gave this information to + the author. The credit I gave to him maybe judged of. + </p> + <p> + It was, no doubt, a very probable story, that a bookseller, admitted to + an audience by the attorney-general, should read at ease scattered rough + drafts in the office of that magistrate! Madam de Boufflers and others + confirmed what he had said. By the absurdities which were incessantly + rung in my ears, I was almost tempted to believe that everybody I heard + speak had lost their senses. + </p> + <p> + Clearly perceiving that there was some mystery, which no one thought + proper to explain to me, I patiently awaited the event, depending upon + my integrity and innocence, and thinking myself happy, let the + persecution which awaited me be what it would, to be called to the honor + of suffering in the cause of truth. Far from being afraid and concealing + myself, I went every day to the castle, and in the afternoon took my + usual walk. On the eighth of June, the evening before the order was + concluded on, I walked in company with two professors of the oratory, + Father Alamanni and Father Mandard. We carried to Champeaux a little + collation, which we ate with a keen appetite. We had forgotten to bring + glasses, and supplied the want of them by stalks of rye, through which + we sucked up the wine from the bottle, piquing ourselves upon the choice + of large tubes to vie with each other in pumping up what we drank. I + never was more cheerful in my life. + </p> + <p> + I have related in what manner I lost my sleep during my youth. I had + since that time contracted a habit of reading every night in my bed, + until I found my eyes begin to grow heavy. I then extinguished my wax + taper, and endeavored to slumber for a few moments, which were in + general very short. The book I commonly read at night was the Bible, + which, in this manner I read five or six times from the beginning to the + end. This evening, finding myself less disposed to sleep than ordinary, + I continued my reading beyond the usual hour, and read the whole book + which finishes at the Levite of Ephraim, the Book of judges, if I + mistake not, for since that time I have never once seen it. This history + affected me exceedingly, and, in a kind of a dream, my imagination still + ran on it, when suddenly I was roused from my stupor by a noise and + light. Theresa carrying a candle, lighted M. la Roche, who perceiving me + hastily raise myself up, said: "Do not be alarmed; I come from Madam de + Luxembourg, who, in her letter incloses you another from the Prince of + Conti." In fact, in the letter of Madam de Luxembourg I found another, + which an express from the prince had brought her, stating that, + notwithstanding all his efforts, it was determined to proceed against me + with the utmost rigor. "The fermentation," said he, "is extreme; nothing + can ward off the blow; the court requires it, and the parliament will + absolutely proceed; at seven o'clock in the morning an order will be + made to arrest him, and persons will immediately be sent to execute it. + I have obtained a promise that he shall not be pursued if he makes his + escape; but if he persists in exposing himself to be taken this will + immediately happen." La Roche conjured me in behalf of Madam de + Luxembourg to rise and go and speak to her. It was two o'clock and she + had just retired to bed. "She expects you," added he, "and will not go + to sleep without speaking to you." I dressed myself in haste and ran to + her. + </p> + <p> + She appeared to be agitated; this was for the first time. Her distress + affected me. In this moment of surprise and in the night, I myself was + not free from emotion; but on seeing her I forgot my own situation, and + thought of nothing but the melancholy part she would have to act should + I suffer myself to be arrested; for feeling I had sufficient courage + strictly to adhere to truth, although I might be certain of its being + prejudicial or even destructive to me, I was convinced I had not + presence of mind, address, nor perhaps firmness enough, not to expose + her should I be closely pressed. This determined me to sacrifice my + reputation to her tranquillity, and to do for her that which nothing + could have prevailed upon me to do for myself. The moment I had come to + this resolution, I declared it, wishing not to diminish the magnitude of + the sacrifice by giving her the least trouble to obtain it. I am sure + she could not mistake my motive, although she said not a word, which + proved to me she was sensible of it. I was so much shocked at her + indifference that I, for a moment, thought of retracting; but the + marechal came in, and Madam de Bouffiers arrived from Paris a few + moments afterwards. They did what Madam de Luxembourg ought to have + done. I suffered myself to be flattered; I was ashamed to retract; and + the only thing that remained to be determined upon was the place of my + retreat and the time of my departure. M. de Luxembourg proposed to me to + remain incognito a few days at the castle, that we might deliberate at + leisure, and take such measures as should seem most proper; to this I + would not consent, no more than to go secretly to the temple. I was + determined to set off the same day rather than remain concealed in any + place whatever. + </p> + <p> + Knowing I had secret and powerful enemies in the kingdom, I thought, + notwithstanding my attachment to France, I ought to quit it, the better + to insure my future tranquillity. My first intention was to retire to + Geneva, but a moment of reflection was sufficient to dissuade me from + committing that act of folly; I knew the ministry of France, more + powerful at Geneva than at Paris, would not leave me more at peace in + one of these cities than in the other, were a resolution taken to + torment me. I was also convinced the 'Discourse upon Inequality' had + excited against me in the council a hatred the more dangerous as the + council dared not make it manifest. I had also learned, that when the + New Eloisa appeared, the same council had immediately forbidden the sale + of that work, upon the solicitation of Doctor Tronchin; but perceiving + the example not to be imitated, even in Paris, the members were ashamed + of what they had done, and withdrew the prohibition. + </p> + <p> + I had no doubt that, finding in the present case a more favorable + opportunity, they would be very careful to take advantage of it. + Notwithstanding exterior appearances, I knew there reigned against me in + the heart of every Genevese a secret jealousy, which, in the first + favorable moment, would publicly show itself. Nevertheless, the love of + my country called me to it, and could I have flattered myself I should + there have lived in peace, I should not have hesitated; but neither + honor nor reason permitting me to take refuge as a fugitive in a place + of which I was a citizen, I resolved to approach it only, and to wait in + Switzerland until something relative to me should be determined upon in + Geneva. This state of uncertainty did not, as it will soon appear, + continue long. + </p> + <p> + Madam de Boufflers highly disapproved this resolution, and renewed her + efforts to induce me to go to England, but all she could say was of no + effect; I had never loved England nor the English, and the eloquence of + Madam de Boufflers, far from conquering my repugnancy, seemed to + increase it without my knowing why. Determined to set off the same day, + I was from the morning inaccessible to everybody, and La Roche, whom I + sent to fetch my papers, would not tell Theresa whether or not I was + gone. Since I had determined to write my own memoirs, I had collected a + great number of letters and other papers, so that he was obliged to + return several times. A part of these papers, already selected, were + laid aside, and I employed the morning in sorting the rest, that I might + take with me such only as were necessary and destroy what remained. + </p> + <p> + M. de Luxembourg, was kind enough to assist me in this business, which + we could not finish before it was necessary I should set off, and I had + not time to burn a single paper. The marechal offered to take upon + himself to sort what I should leave behind me, and throw into the fire + every sheet that he found useless, without trusting to any person + whomsoever, and to send me those of which he should make choice. I + accepted his offer, very glad to be delivered from that care, that I + might pass the few hours I had to remain with persons so dear to me, + from whom I was going to separate forever. He took the key of the + chamber in which I had left these papers; and, at my earnest + solicitation, sent for my poor aunt, who, not knowing what had become of + me, or what was to become of herself, and in momentary expectation of + the arrival of the officers of justice, without knowing how to act or + what to answer them, was miserable to an extreme. La Roche accompanied + her to the castle in silence; she thought I was already far from + Montmorency; on perceiving me, she made the place resound with her + cries, and threw herself into my arms. Oh, friendship, affinity of + sentiment, habit and intimacy. + </p> + <p> + In this pleasing yet cruel moment, the remembrance of so many days of + happiness, tenderness and peace, passed together augmented the grief of + a first separation after an union of seventeen years during which we had + scarcely lost sight of each other for a single day. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="pb248" id="pb248"></a> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> + <img alt="pb248.jpg (105K)" src="images/pb248.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + <p> + The marechal who saw this embrace, could not suppress his tears. He + withdrew. Theresa determined never more to leave me out of her sight. I + made her feel the inconvenience of accompanying me at that moment, and + the necessity of her remaining to take care of my effects and collect my + money. When an order is made to arrest a man, it is customary to seize + his papers and put a seal upon his effects, or to make an inventory of + them and appoint a guardian to whose care they are intrusted. It was + necessary Theresa should remain to observe what passed, and get + everything settled in the most advantageous manner possible. I promised + her she should shortly come to me; the marechal confirmed my promise; + but I did not choose to tell her to what place I was going, that, in + case of being interrogated by the persons who came to take me into + custody, she might with truth plead ignorance upon that head. In + embracing her the moment before we separated I felt within me a most + extraordinary emotion, and I said to her with an agitation which, alas! + was but too prophetic: "My dear girl, you must arm yourself with + courage. You have partaken of my prosperity; it now remains to you, + since you have chosen it, to partake of my misery. Expect nothing in + future but insult and calamity in following me. The destiny begun for me + by this melancholy day will pursue me until my latest hour." + </p> + <p> + I had now nothing to think of but my departure. The officers were to + arrive at ten o'clock. It was four in the afternoon when I set off, and + they were not yet come. It was determined I should take post. I had no + carriage, The marechal made me a present of a cabriolet, and lent me + horses and a postillion the first stage, where, in consequence of the + measures he had taken, I had no difficulty in procuring others. + </p> + <p> + As I had not dined at table, nor made my appearance in the castle, the + ladies came to bid me adieu in the entresol where I had passed the day. + Madam de Luxembourg embraced me several times with a melancholy air; but + I did not in these embraces feel the pressing I had done in those she + had lavished upon me two or three years before. Madam de Boufflers also + embraced me, and said to me many civil things. An embrace which + surprised me more than all the rest had done was one from Madam de + Mirepoix, for she also was at the castle. Madam la Marechale de Mirepoix + is a person extremely cold, decent, and reserved, and did not, at least + as she appeared to me, seem quite exempt from the natural haughtiness of + the house of Lorraine. She had never shown me much attention. Whether, + flattered by an honor I had not expected, I endeavored to enhance the + value of it; or that there really was in the embrace a little of that + commiseration natural to generous hearts, I found in her manner and look + something energetical which penetrated me. I have since that time + frequently thought that, acquainted with my destiny, she could not + refrain from a momentary concern for my fate. + </p> + <p> + The marechal did not open his mouth; he was as pale as death. He would + absolutely accompany me to the carriage which waited at the watering + place. We crossed the garden without uttering a single word. I had a key + of the park with which I opened the gate, and instead of putting it + again into my pocket, I held it out to the marechal without saying a + word. He took it with a vivacity which surprised me, and which has since + frequently intruded itself upon my thoughts. + </p> + <p> + I have not in my whole life had a more bitter moment than that of this + separation. Our embrace was long and silent: we both felt that this was + our last adieu. + </p> + <p> + Between Barre and Montmorency I met, in a hired carriage, four men in + black, who saluted me smilingly. According to what Theresa has since + told me of the officers of justice, the hour of their arrival and their + manner of behavior, I have no doubt, that they were the persons I met, + especially as the order to arrest me, instead of being made out at seven + o'clock, as I had been told it would, had not been given till noon. I + had to go through Paris. A person in a cabriolet is not much concealed. + I saw several persons in the streets who saluted me with an air of + familiarity but I did not know one of them. The same evening I changed + my route to pass Villeroy. At Lyons the couriers were conducted to the + commandant. This might have been embarrassing to a man unwilling either + to lie or change his name. I went with a letter from Madam de Luxembourg + to beg M. de Villeroy would spare me this disagreeable ceremony. M. de + Villeroy gave me a letter of which I made no use, because I did not go + through Lyons. This letter still remains sealed up amongst my papers. + The duke pressed me to sleep at Villeroy, but I preferred returning to + the great road, which I did, and travelled two more stages the same + evening. + </p> + <p> + My carriage was inconvenient and uncomfortable, and I was too much + indisposed to go far in a day. My appearance besides was not + sufficiently distinguished for me to be well served, and in France + post-horses feel the whip in proportion to the favorable opinion the + postillion has of his temporary master. By paying the guides generously + thought I should make up for my shabby appearance: this was still worse. + They took me for a worthless fellow who was carrying orders, and, for + the first time in my life, travelling post. From that moment I had + nothing but worn-out hacks, and I became the sport of the postillions. I + ended as I should have begun by being patient, holding my tongue, and + suffering myself to be driven as my conductors thought proper. + </p> + <p> + I had sufficient matter of reflection to prevent me from being weary on + the road, employing myself in the recollection of that which had just + happened; but this was neither my turn of mind nor the inclination of my + heart. The facility with which I forget past evils, however recent they + may be, is astonishing. The remembrance of them becomes feeble, and, + sooner or later, effaced, in the inverse proportion to the greater + degree of fear with which the approach of them inspires me. My cruel + imagination, incessantly tormented by the apprehension of evils still at + a distance, diverts my attention, and prevents me from recollecting + those which are past. Caution is needless after the evil has happened, + and it is time lost to give it a thought. I, in some measure, put a + period to my misfortunes before they happen: the more I have suffered at + their approach the greater is the facility with which I forget them; + whilst, on the contrary, incessantly recollecting my past happiness, I, + if I may so speak, enjoy it a second time at pleasure. It is to this + happy disposition I am indebted for an exemption from that ill humor + which ferments in a vindictive mind, by the continual remembrance of + injuries received, and torments it with all the evil it wishes to do its + enemy. Naturally choleric, I have felt all the force of anger, which in + the first moments has sometimes been carried to fury, but a desire of + vengeance never took root within me. I think too little of the offence + to give myself much trouble about the offender. I think of the injury I + have received from him on account of that he may do me a second time, + but were I certain he would never do me another the first would be + instantly forgotten. Pardon of offences is continually preached to us. I + knew not whether or not my heart would be capable of overcoming its + hatred, for it never yet felt that passion, and I give myself too little + concern about my enemies to have the merit of pardoning them. I will not + say to what a degree, in order to torment me, they torment themselves. I + am at their mercy, they have unbounded power, and make of it what use + they please. There is but one thing in which I set them at defiance: + which is in tormenting themselves about me, to force me to give myself + the least trouble about them. + </p> + <p> + The day after my departure I had so perfectly forgotten what had passed, + the parliament, Madam de Pompadour, M. de Choiseul, Grimm, and + D'Alembert, with their conspiracies, that had not it been for the + necessary precautions during the journey I should have thought no more + of them. The remembrance of one thing which supplied the place of all + these was what I had read the evening before my departure. I recollect, + also, the pastorals of Gessner, which his translator Hubert had sent me + a little time before. These two ideas occurred to me so strongly, and + were connected in such a manner in my mind, that I was determined to + endeavor to unite them by treating after the manner of Gessner, the + subject of the Levite of Ephraim. His pastoral and simple style appeared + to me but little fitted to so horrid a subject, and it was not to be + presumed the situation I was then in would furnish me with such ideas as + would enliven it. However, I attempted the thing, solely to amuse myself + in my cabriolet, and without the least hope of success. I had no sooner + begun than I was astonished at the liveliness of my ideas, and the + facility with which I expressed them. In three days I composed the first + three cantos of the little poem I finished at Motiers, and I am certain + of not having done anything in my life in which there is a more + interesting mildness of manners, a greater brilliancy of coloring, more + simple delineations, greater exactness of proportion, or more antique + simplicity in general, notwithstanding the horror of the subject which + in itself is abominable, so that besides every other merit I had still + that of a difficulty conquered. If the Levite of Ephraim be not the best + of my works, it will ever be that most esteemed. I have never read, nor + shall I ever read it again without feeling interiorly the applause of a + heart without acrimony, which, far from being embittered by misfortunes, + is susceptible of consolation in the midst of them, and finds within + itself a resource by which they are counterbalanced. Assemble the great + philosophers, so superior in their books to adversity which they do not + suffer, place them in a situation similar to mine, and, in the first + moments of the indignation of their injured honor, give them a like work + to compose, and it will be seen in what manner they will acquit + themselves of the task. + </p> + <p> + When I set of from Montmorency to go into Switzerland, I had resolved to + stop at Yverdon, at the house of my old friend Roguin, who had several + years before retired to that place, and had invited me to go and see + him. I was told Lyons was not the direct road, for which reason I + avoided going through it. But I was obliged to pass through Besancon, a + fortified town, and consequently subject to the same inconvenience. I + took it into my head to turn about and to go to Salins, under the + pretense of going to see M. de Marian, the nephew of M. Dupin, who had + an employment at the salt-works, and formerly had given me many + invitations to his house. The expedition succeeded: M. de Marian was not + in the way, and, happily, not being obliged to stop, I continued my + journey without being spoken to by anybody. + </p> + <p> + The moment I was within the territory of Berne, I ordered the postillion + to stop; I got out of my carriage, prostrated myself, kissed the ground, + and exclaimed in a transport of joy: "Heaven, the protector of virtue be + praised, I touch a land of liberty!" Thus blind and unsuspecting in my + hopes, have I ever been passionately attached to that which was to make + me unhappy. The man thought me mad. I got into the carriage, and a few + hours afterwards I had the pure and lively satisfaction of feeling + myself pressed within the arms of the respectable Rougin. Ah! let me + breathe for a moment with this worthy host! It is necessary I should + gain strength and courage before I proceed further. I shall soon find + that in my way which will give employment to them both. It is not + without reason that I have been diffuse in the recital of all the + circumstances I have been able to recollect. Although they may seem + uninteresting, yet, when once the thread of the conspiracy is got hold + of, they may throw some light upon the progress of it; and, for + instance, without giving the first idea of the problem I am going to + propose, afford some aid in solving it. + </p> + <p> + Suppose that, for the execution of the conspiracy of which I was the + object, my absence was absolutely necessary, everything tending to that + effect could not have happened otherwise than it did; but if without + suffering myself to be alarmed by the nocturnal embassy of Madam de + Luxembourg, I had continued to hold out, and, instead of remaining at + the castle, had returned to my bed and quietly slept until morning, + should I have equally had an order of arrest made out against me? This + is a great question upon which the solution of many others depends, and + for the examination of it, the hour of the comminatory decree of arrest, + and that of the real decree may be remarked to advantage. A rude but + sensible example of the importance of the least detail in the exposition + of facts, of which the secret causes are sought for to discover them by + induction. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <a name="link12"></a> <br /><br /> + <h1> + BOOK XII. + </h1> + <br /><br /> + <p> + With this book begins the work of darkness, in which I have for the last + eight years been enveloped, though it has not by any means been possible + for me to penetrate the dreadful obscurity. In the abyss of evil into + which I am plunged, I feel the blows reach me, without perceiving the + hand by which they are directed or the means it employs. Shame and + misfortune seem of themselves to fall upon me. When in the affliction of + my heart I suffer a groan to escape me, I have the appearance of a man + who complains without reason, and the authors of my ruin have the + inconceivable art of rendering the public unknown to itself, or without + its perceiving the effects of it, accomplice in their conspiracy. + Therefore, in my narrative of circumstances relative to myself, of the + treatment I have received, and all that has happened to me, I shall not + be able to indicate the hand by which the whole has been directed, nor + assign the causes, while I state the effect. The primitive causes are + all given in the preceding books; and everything in which I am + interested, and all the secret motives pointed out. But it is impossible + for me to explain, even by conjecture, that in which the different + causes are combined to operate the strange events of my life. If amongst + my readers one even of them should be generous enough to wish to examine + the mystery to the bottom, and discover the truth, let him carefully + read over a second time the three preceding books, afterwards at each + fact he shall find stated in the books which follow, let him gain such + information as is within his reach, and go back from intrigue to + intrigue, and from agent to agent, until he comes to the first mover of + all. I know where his researches will terminate; but in the meantime I + lose myself in the crooked and obscure subterraneous path through which + his steps must be directed. + </p> + <p> + During my stay at Yverdon, I became acquainted with all the family of my + friend Roguin, and amongst others with his niece, Madam Boy de la Tour, + and her daughters, whose father, as I think I have already observed, I + formerly knew at Lyons. She was at Yverdon, upon a visit to her uncle + and his sister; her eldest daughter, about fifteen years of age, + delighted me by her fine understanding and excellent disposition. I + conceived the most tender friendship for the mother and the daughter. + The latter was destined by M. Rougin to the colonel, his nephew, a man + already verging towards the decline of life, and who showed me marks of + great esteem and affection; but although the heart of the uncle was set + upon this marriage, which was much wished for by the nephew also, and I + was greatly desirous to promote the satisfaction of both, the great + disproportion of age, and the extreme repugnancy of the young lady, made + me join with the mother in postponing the ceremony, and the affair was + at length broken off. The colonel has since married Mademoiselle Dillan, + his relation, beautiful, and amiable as my heart could wish, and who has + made him the happiest of husbands and fathers. However, M. Rougin has + not yet forgotten my opposition to his wishes. My consolation is in the + certainty of having discharged to him, and his family, the duty of the + most pure friendship, which does not always consist in being agreeable, + but in advising for the best. + </p> + <p> + I did not remain long in doubt about the reception which awaited me at + Geneva, had I chosen to return to that city. My book was burned there, + and on the 18th of June, nine days after an order to arrest me had been + given at Paris, another to the same effect was determined upon by the + republic. So many incredible absurdities were stated in this second + decree, in which the ecclesiastical edict was formally violated, that I + refused to believe the first accounts I heard of it, and when these were + well confirmed, I trembled lest so manifest an infraction of every law, + beginning with that of common-sense, should create the greatest + confusion in the city. I was, however, relieved from my fears; + everything remained quiet. If there was any rumor amongst the populace, + it was unfavorable to me, and I was publicly treated by all the gossips + and pedants like a scholar threatened with a flogging for not having + said his catechism. + </p> + <p> + These two decrees were the signal for the cry of malediction, raised + against me with unexampled fury in every part of Europe. All the + gazettes, journals and pamphlets, rang the alarm-bell. The French + especially, that mild, generous, and polished people, who so much pique + themselves upon their attention and proper condescension to the + unfortunate, instantly forgetting their favorite virtues, signalized + themselves by the number and violence of the outrages with which, while + each seemed to strive who should afflict me most, they overwhelmed me. I + was impious, an atheist, a madman, a wild beast, a wolf. The continuator + of the Journal of Trevoux was guilty of a piece of extravagance in + attacking my pretended Lycanthropy, which was by no means proof of his + own. A stranger would have thought an author in Paris was afraid of + incurring the animadversion of the police, by publishing a work of any + kind without cramming into it some insult to me. I sought in vain the + cause of this unanimous animosity, and was almost tempted to believe the + world was gone mad. What! said I to myself, the editor of the 'Perpetual + Peace', spread discord; the author of the 'Confession of the Savoyard + Vicar', impious; the writer of the 'New Eloisa', a wolf; the author of + 'Emilius', a madman! Gracious God! what then should I have been had I + published the 'Treatise de l'Esprit', or any similar work? And yet, in + the storm raised against the author of that book, the public, far from + joining the cry of his persecutors, revenged him of them by eulogium. + Let his book and mine, the receptions the two works met with, and the + treatment of the two authors in the different countries of Europe, be + compared; and for the difference let causes satisfactory to, a man of + sense be found, and I will ask no more. + </p> + <p> + I found the residence of Yverdon so agreeable that I resolved to yield + to the solicitations of M. Roguin and his family, who, were desirous of + keeping me there. M. de Moiry de Gingins, bailiff of that city, + encouraged me by his goodness to remain within his jurisdiction. The + colonel pressed me so much to accept for my habitation a little pavilion + he had in his house between the court and the garden, that I complied + with his request, and he immediately furnished it with everything + necessary for my little household establishment. + </p> + <p> + The banneret Roguin, one of the persons who showed me the most assiduous + attention, did not leave me for an instant during the whole day. I was + much flattered by his civilities, but they sometimes importuned me. The + day on which I was to take possession of my new habitation was already + fixed, and I had written to Theresa to come to me, when suddenly a storm + was raised against me in Berne, which was attributed to the devotees, + but I have never been able to learn the cause of it. The senate, excited + against me, without my knowing by whom, did not seem disposed to suffer + me to remain undisturbed in my retreat. The moment the bailiff was + informed of the new fermentation, he wrote in my favor to several of the + members of the government, reproaching them with their blind + intolerance, and telling them it was shameful to refuse to a man of + merit, under oppression, the asylum which such a numerous banditti found + in their states. Sensible people were of opinion the warmth of his + reproaches had rather embittered than softened the minds of the + magistrates. However this may be, neither his influence nor eloquence + could ward off the blow. Having received an intimation of the order he + was to signify to me, he gave me a previous communication of it; and + that I might wait its arrival, I resolved to set off the next day. The + difficulty was to know where to go, finding myself shut out from Geneva + and all France, and foreseeing that in the affair each state would be + anxious to imitate its neighbor. + </p> + <p> + Madam Boy de la Tour proposed to me to go and reside in an uninhabited + but completely furnished house, which belonged to her son in the village + of Motiers, in the Val de Travers, in the county of Neuchatel. I had + only a mountain to cross to arrive at it. The offer came the more + opportunely, as in the states of the King of Prussia I should naturally + be sheltered from all persecution, at least religion could not serve as + a pretext for it. But a secret difficulty: improper for me at that + moment to divulge, had in it that which was very sufficient to make me + hesitate. The innnate love of justice, to which my heart was constantly + subject, added to my secret inclination to France, had inspired me with + an aversion to the King of Prussia, who by his maxims and conduct, + seemed to tread under foot all respect for natural law and every duty of + humanity. Amongst the framed engravings, with which I had decorated my + alcove at Montmorency, was a portrait of this prince, and under it a + distich, the last line of which was as follows: + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + Il pense en philosophe, et se conduit en roi. + </p> + <p> + [He thinks like a philosopher, and acts like a king.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + This verse, which from any other pen would have been a fine eulogium, + from mine had an unequivocal meaning, and too clearly explained the + verse by which it was preceded. The distich had been, read by everybody + who came to see me, and my visitors were numerous. The Chevalier de + Lorenzy had even written it down to give it to D'Alembert, and I had no + doubt but D' Alembert had taken care to make my court with it to the + prince. I had also aggravated this first fault by a passage in + 'Emilius', where under the name of Adrastus, king of the Daunians, it + was clearly seen whom I had in view, and the remark had not escaped + critics, because Madam de Boufflers had several times mentioned the + subject to me. I was, therefore, certain of being inscribed in red ink + in the registers of the King of Prussia, and besides, supposing his + majesty to have the principles I had dared to attribute to him, he, for + that reason, could not but be displeased with my writings and their + author; for everybody knows the worthless part of mankind, and tyrants + have never failed to conceive the most mortal hatred against me, solely + on reading my works, without being acquainted with my person. + </p> + <p> + However, I had presumption enough to depend upon his mercy, and was far + from thinking I ran much risk. I knew none but weak men were slaves to + the base passions, and that these had but little power over strong + minds, such as I had always thought his to be. According to his art of + reigning, I thought he could not but show himself magnanimous on this + occasion, and that being so in fact was not above his character. I + thought a mean and easy vengeance would not for a moment counterbalance + his love of glory, and putting myself in his place, his taking advantage + of circumstances to overwhelm with the weight of his generosity a man + who had dared to think ill of him, did not appear to me impossible. I + therefore went to settle at Motiers, with a confidence of which I + imagined he would feel all the value, and said to myself: When Jean + Jacques rises to the elevation of Coriolanus, will Frederick sink below + the General of the Volsci? + </p> + <p> + Colonel Roguin insisted on crossing the mountain with me, and installing + me at Moiters. A sister-in-law to Madam Boy de la Tour, named Madam + Girardier, to whom the house in which I was going to live was very + convenient, did not see me arrive there with pleasure; however, she with + a good grace put me in possession of my lodgings, and I eat with her + until Theresa came, and my little establishment was formed. + </p> + <p> + Perceiving at my departure from Montmorency I should in future be a + fugitive upon the earth, I hesitated about permitting her to come to me + and partake of the wandering life to which I saw myself condemned. I + felt the nature of our relation to each other was about to change, and + that what until then had on my part been favor and friendship, would in + future become so on hers. If her attachment was proof against my + misfortunes, to this I knew she must become a victim, and that her grief + would add to my pain. Should my disgrace weaken her affections, she + would make me consider her constancy as a sacrifice, and instead of + feeling the pleasure I had in dividing with her my last morsel of bread, + she would see nothing but her own merit in following me wherever I was + driven by fate. + </p> + <p> + I must say everything; I have never concealed the vices either of my + poor mamma or myself; I cannot be more favorable to Theresa, and + whatever pleasure I may have in doing honor to a person who is dear to + me, I will not disguise the truth, although it may discover in her an + error, if an involuntary change of the affections of the heart be one. I + had long perceived hers to grow cooler towards me, and that she was no + longer for me what she had been in our younger days. Of this I was the + more sensible, as for her I was what I had always been. I fell into the + same inconvenience as that of which I had felt the effect with mamma, + and this effect was the same now I was with Theresa. Let us not seek for + perfection, which nature never produces; it would be the same thing with + any other woman. The manner in which I had disposed of my children, + however reasonable it had appeared to me, had not always left my heart + at ease. While writing my 'Treatise on Education', I felt I had + neglected duties with which it was not possible to dispense. Remorse at + length became so strong that it almost forced from me a public + confession of my fault at the beginning of my 'Emilius', and the passage + is so clear, that it is astonishing any person should, after reading it, + have had the courage to reproach me with my error. My situation was + however still the same, or something worse, by the animosity of my + enemies, who sought to find me in a fault. I feared a relapse, and + unwilling to run the risk, I preferred abstinence to exposing Theresa to + a similar mortification. I had besides remarked that a connection with + women was prejudicial to my health; this double reason made me form + resolutions to which I had but sometimes badly kept, but for the last + three or four years I had more constantly adhered to them. It was in + this interval I had remarked Theresa's coolness; she had the same + attachment to me from duty, but not the least from love. Our intercourse + naturally became less agreeable, and I imagined that, certain of the + continuation of my cares wherever she might be, she would choose to stay + at Paris rather than to wander with me. Yet she had given such signs of + grief at our parting, had required of me such positive promises that we + should meet again, and, since my departure, had expressed to the Prince + de Conti and M. de Luxembourg so strong a desire of it, that, far from + having the courage to speak to her of separation, I scarcely had enough + to think of it myself; and after having felt in my heart how impossible + it was for me to do without her,. all I thought of afterwards was to + recall her to me as soon as possible. I wrote to her to this effect, and + she came. It was scarcely two months since I had quitted her; but it was + our first separation after a union of so many years. We had both of us + felt it most cruelly. What emotion in our first embrace! O how + delightful are the tears of tenderness and joy! How does my heart drink + them up! Why have I not had reason to shed them more frequently? + </p> + <p> + On my arrival at Motiers I had written to Lord Keith, marshal of + Scotland and governor of Neuchatel, informing him of my retreat into the + states of his Prussian majesty, and requesting of him his protection. He + answered me with his well-known generosity, and in the manner I had + expected from him. He invited me to his house. I went with M. Martinet, + lord of the manor of Val de Travers, who was in great favor with his + excellency. The venerable appearance of this illustrious and virtuous + Scotchman, powerfully affected my heart, and from that instant began + between him and me the strong attachment, which on my part still remains + the same, and would be so on his, had not the traitors, who have + deprived me of all the consolation of life, taken advantage of my + absence to deceive his old age and depreciate me in his esteem. + </p> + <p> + George Keith, hereditary marshal of Scotland, and brother to the famous + General Keith, who lived gloriously and died in the bed of honor, had + quitted his country at a very early age, and was proscribed on account + of his attachment to the house of Stuart. With that house, however, he + soon became disgusted with the unjust and tyrannical spirit he remarked + in the ruling character of the Stuart family. He lived a long time in + Spain, the climate of which pleased him exceedingly, and at length + attached himself, as his brother had done, to the service of the King of + Prussia, who knew men and gave them the reception they merited. His + majesty received a great return for this reception, in the services + rendered him by Marshal Keith, and by what was infinitely more precious, + the sincere friendship of his lordship. The great mind of this worthy + man, haughty and republican, could stoop to no other yoke than that of + friendship, but to this it was so obedient, that with very different + maxims he saw nothing but Frederic the moment he became attached to him. + The king charged the marshal with affairs of importance, sent him to + Paris, to Spain, and at length, seeing he was already advanced in years, + let him retire with the government of Neuchatel, and the delightful + employment of passing there the remainder of his life in rendering the + inhabitants happy. + </p> + <p> + The people of Neuchatel, whose manners are trivial, know not how to + distinguish solid merit, and suppose wit to consist in long discourses. + When they saw a sedate man of simple manners appear amongst them, they + mistook his simplicity for haughtiness, his candor for rusticity, his + laconism for stupidity, and rejected his benevolent cares, because, + wishing to be useful, and not being a sycophant, he knew not how to + flatter people he did not esteem. In the ridiculous affair of the + minister Petitpierre, who was displaced by his colleagues, for having + been unwilling they should be eternally damned, my lord, opposing the + usurpations of the ministers, saw the whole country of which he took the + part, rise up against him, and when I arrived there the stupid murmur + had not entirely subsided. He passed for a man influenced by the + prejudices with which he was inspired by others, and of all the + imputations brought against him it was the most devoid of truth. My + first sentiment on seeing this venerable old man, was that of tender + commiseration, on account of his extreme leanness of body, years having + already left him little else but skin and bone; but when I raised my + eyes to his animated, open, noble countenance, I felt a respect, mingled + with confidence, which absorbed every other sentiment. He answered the + very short compliment I made him when I first came into his presence by + speaking of something else, as if I had already been a week in his + house. He did not bid us sit down. The stupid chatelain, the lord of the + manor, remained standing. For my part I at first sight saw in the fine + and piercing eye of his lordship something so conciliating that, feeling + myself entirely at ease, I without ceremony, took my seat by his side + upon the sofa. By the familiarity of his manner I immediately perceived + the liberty I took gave him pleasure, and that he said to himself: This + is not a Neuchatelois. + </p> + <p> + Singular effect of the similarity of characters! At an age when the + heart loses its natural warmth, that of this good old man grew warm by + his attachment to me to a degree which surprised everybody. He came to + see me at Motiers under the pretence of quail shooting, and stayed there + two days without touching a gun. We conceived such a friendship for each + other that we knew not how to live separate; the castle of Colombier, + where he passed the summer, was six leagues from Motiers; I went there + at least once a fortnight, and made a stay of twenty-four hours, and + then returned like a pilgrim with my heart full of affection for my + host. The emotion I had formerly experienced in my journeys from the + Hermitage to Raubonne was certainly very different, but it was not more + pleasing than that with which I approached Columbier. + </p> + <p> + What tears of tenderness have I shed when on the road to it, while + thinking of the paternal goodness, amiable virtues, and charming + philosophy of this respectable old man! I called him father, and he + called me son. These affectionate names give, in some measure, an idea + of the attachment by which we were united, but by no means that of the + want we felt of each other, nor of our continual desire to be together. + He would absolutely give me an apartment at the castle of Columbier, and + for a long time pressed me to take up my residence in that in which I + lodged during my visits. I at length told him I was more free and at my + ease in my own house, and that I had rather continue until the end of my + life to come and see him. He approved of my candor, and never afterwards + spoke to me on the subject. Oh, my good lord! Oh, my worthy father! How + is my heart still moved when I think of your goodness? Ah, barbarous + wretches! how deeply did they wound me when they deprived me of your + friendship? But no, great man, you are and ever will be the same for me, + who am still the same. You have been deceived, but you are not changed. + My lord marechal is not without faults; he is a man of wisdom, but he is + still a man. With the greatest penetration, the nicest discrimination, + and the most profound knowledge of men, he sometimes suffers himself to + be deceived, and never recovers his error. His temper is very singular + and foreign to his general turn of mind. He seems to forget the people + he sees every day, and thinks of them in a moment when they least expect + it; his attention seems ill-timed; his presents are dictated by caprice + and not by propriety. He gives or sends in an instant whatever comes + into his head, be the value of it ever so small. A young Genevese, + desirous of entering into the service of Prussia, made a personal + application to him; his lordship, instead of giving him a letter, gave + him a little bag of peas, which he desired him to carry to the king. On + receiving this singular recommendation his majesty gave a commission to + the bearer of it. These elevated geniuses have between themselves a + language which the vulgar will never understand. The whimsical manner of + my lord marechal, something like the caprice of a fine woman, rendered + him still more interesting to me. I was certain, and afterwards had + proofs, that it had not the least influence over his sentiments, nor did + it affect the cares prescribed by friendship on serious occasions, yet + in his manner of obliging there is the same singularity as in his + manners in general. Of this I will give one instance relative to a + matter of no great importance. The journey from Motiers to Colombier + being too long for me to perform in one day, I commonly divided it by + setting off after dinner and sleeping at Brot, which is half way. The + landlord of the house where I stopped, named Sandoz, having to solicit + at Berlin a favor of importance to him, begged I would request his + excellency to ask it in his behalf. "Most willingly," said I, and took + him with me. I left him in the antechamber, and mentioned the matter to + his lordship, who returned me no answer. After passing with him the + whole morning, I saw as I crossed the hall to go to dinner, poor Sandoz, + who was fatigued to death with waiting. Thinking the governor had + forgotten what I had said to him, I again spoke of the business before + we sat down to table, but still received no answer. I thought this + manner of making me feel I was importunate rather severe, and, pitying + the poor man in waiting, held my tongue. On my return the next day I was + much surprised at the thanks he returned me for the good dinner his + excellency had given him after receiving his paper. Three weeks + afterwards his lordship sent him the rescript he had solicited, + dispatched by the minister, and signed by the king, and this without + having said a word either to myself or Sandoz concerning the business, + about which I thought he did not wish to give himself the least concern. + </p> + <p> + I could wish incessantly to speak of George Keith; from him proceeds my + recollection of the last happy moments I have enjoyed: the rest of my + life, since our separation, has been passed in affliction and grief of + heart. The remembrance of this is so melancholy and confused that it was + impossible for me to observe the least order in what I write, so that in + future I shall be under the necessity of stating facts without giving + them a regular arrangement. + </p> + <p> + I was soon relieved from my inquietude arising from the uncertainty of + my asylum, by the answer from his majesty to the lord marshal, in whom, + as it will readily be believed, I had found an able advocate. The king + not only approved of what he had done, but desired him, for I must + relate everything, to give me twelve louis. The good old man, rather + embarrassed by the commission, and not knowing how to execute it + properly, endeavored to soften the insult by transforming the money into + provisions, and writing to me that he had received orders to furnish me + with wood and coal to begin my little establishment; he moreover added, + and perhaps from himself, that his majesty would willingly build me a + little house, such a one as I should choose to have, provided I would + fix upon the ground. I was extremely sensible of the kindness of the + last offer, which made me forget the weakness of the other. Without + accepting either, I considered Frederic as my benefactor and protector, + and became so sincerely attached to him, that from that moment I + interested myself as much in his glory as until then I had thought his + successes unjust. At the peace he made soon after, I expressed my joy by + an illumination in a very good taste: it was a string of garlands, with + which I decorated the house I inhabited, and in which, it is true, I had + the vindictive haughtiness to spend almost as much money as he had + wished to give me. The peace ratified, I thought as he was at the + highest pinnacle of military and political fame, he would think of + acquiring that of another nature, by reanimating his states, encouraging + in them commerce and agriculture, creating a new soil, covering it with + a new people, maintaining peace amongst his neighbors, and becoming the + arbitrator, after having been the terror, of Europe. He was in a + situation to sheath his sword without danger, certain that no sovereign + would oblige him again to draw it. Perceiving he did not disarm, I was + afraid he would profit but little by the advantages he had gained, and + that he would be great only by halves. I dared to write to him upon the + subject, and with a familiarity of a nature to please men of his + character, conveying to him the sacred voice of truth, which but few + kings are worthy to hear. The liberty I took was a secret between him + and myself. I did not communicate it even to the lord marshal, to whom I + sent my letter to the king sealed up. His lordship forwarded my dispatch + without asking what it contained. His majesty returned me no answer and + the marshal going soon after to Berlin, the king told him he had + received from me a scolding. By this I understood my letter had been ill + received, and the frankness of my zeal had been mistaken for the + rusticity of a pedant. In fact, this might possibly be the case; perhaps + I did not say what was necessary, nor in the manner proper to the + occasion. All I can answer for is the sentiment which induced me to take + up the pen. + </p> + <p> + Shortly after my establishment at Motiers, Travers having every possible + assurance that I should be suffered to remain there in peace, I took the + Armenian habit. This was not the first time I had thought of doing it. I + had formerly had the same intention, particularly at Montmorency, where + the frequent use of probes often obliging me to keep my chamber, made me + more clearly perceive the advantages of a long robe. The convenience of + an Armenian tailor, who frequently came to see a relation he had at + Montmorency, almost tempted me to determine on taking this new dress, + troubling myself but little about what the world would say of it. Yet, + before I concluded about the matter, I wished to take the opinion of M. + de Luxembourg, who immediately advised me to follow my inclination. I + therefore procured a little Armenian wardrobe, but on account of the + storm raised against me, I was induced to postpone making use of it + until I should enjoy tranquillity, and it was not until some months + afterwards that, forced by new attacks of my disorder, I thought I could + properly, and without the least risk, put on my new dress at Motiers, + especially after having consulted the pastor of the place, who told me I + might wear it even in the temple without indecency. I then adopted the + waistcoat, caffetan, fur bonnet, and girdle; and after having in this + dress attended divine service, I saw no impropriety in going in it to + visit his lordship. His excellency in seeing me clothed in this manner + made me no other compliment than that which consisted in saying "Salaam + aliakum," i.e., "Peace be with you;" the common Turkish salutation; + after which nothing more was said upon the subject, and I continued to + wear my new dress. + </p> + <p> + Having quite abandoned literature, all I now thought of was leading a + quiet life, and one as agreeable as I could make it. When alone, I have + never felt weariness of mind, not even in complete inaction; my + imagination filling up every void, was sufficient to keep up my + attention. The inactive babbling of a private circle, where, seated + opposite to each other, they who speak move nothing but the tongue, is + the only thing I have ever been unable to support. When walking and + rambling about there is some satisfaction in conversation; the feet and + eyes do something; but to hear people with their arms across speak of + the weather, of the biting of flies, or what is still worse, compliment + each other, is to me an insupportable torment. That I might not live + like a savage, I took it into my head to learn to make laces. Like the + women, I carried my cushion with me, when I went to make visits, or sat + down to work at my door, and chatted with passers-by. This made me the + better support the emptiness of babbling, and enabled me to pass my time + with my female neighbors without weariness. Several of these were very + amiable and not devoid of wit. One in particular, Isabella d'Ivernois, + daughter of the attorney-general of Neuchatel, I found so estimable as + to induce me to enter with her into terms of particular friendship, from + which she derived some advantage by the useful advice I gave her, and + the services she received from me on occasions of importance, so that + now a worthy and virtuous mother of a family, she is perhaps indebted to + me for her reason, her husband, her life, and happiness. On my part, I + received from her gentle consolation, particularly during a melancholy + winter, through out the whole of which when my sufferings were most + cruel, she came to pass with Theresa and me long evenings, which she + made very short for us by her agreeable conversation, and our mutual + openness of heart. She called me papa, and I called her daughter, and + these names, which we still give to each other, will, I hope, continue + to be as dear to her as they are to me. That my laces might be of some + utility, I gave them to my young female friends at their marriages, upon + condition of their suckling their children; Isabella's eldest sister had + one upon these terms, and well deserved it by her observance of them; + Isabella herself also received another, which, by intention she as fully + merited. She has not been happy enough to be able to pursue her + inclination. When I sent the laces to the two sisters, I wrote each of + them a letter; the first has been shown about in the world; the second + has not the same celebrity: friendship proceeds with less noise. + </p> + <p> + Amongst the connections I made in my neighborhood, of which I will not + enter into a detail, I must mention that with Colonel Pury, who had a + house upon the mountain, where he came to pass the summer. I was not + anxious to become acquainted with him, because I knew he was upon bad + terms at court, and with the lord marshal, whom he did not visit. Yet, + as he came to see me, and showed me much attention, I was under the + necessity of returning his visit; this was repeated, and we sometimes + dined with each other. At his house I became acquainted with M. du + Perou, and afterwards too intimately connected with him to pass his name + over in silence. + </p> + <p> + M. du Perou was an American, son to a commandant of Surinam, whose + successor, M. le Chambrier, of Neuchatel, married his widow. Left a + widow a second time, she came with her son to live in the country of her + second husband. + </p> + <p> + Du Perou, an only son, very rich, and tenderly beloved by his mother, + had been carefully brought up, and his education was not lost upon him. + He had acquired much knowledge, a taste for the arts, and piqued himself + upon his having cultivated his rational faculty: his Dutch appearance, + yellow complexion, and silent and close disposition, favored this + opinion. Although young, he was already deaf and gouty. This rendered + his motions deliberate and very grave, and although he was fond of + disputing, he in general spoke but little because his hearing was bad. I + was struck with his exterior, and said to myself, this is a thinker, a + man of wisdom, such a one as anybody would be happy to have for a + friend. He frequently addressed himself to me without paying the least + compliment, and this strengthened the favorable opinion I had already + formed of him. He said but little to me of myself or my books, and still + less of himself; he was not destitute of ideas, and what he said was + just. This justness and equality attracted my regard. He had neither the + elevation of mind, nor the discrimination of the lord marshal, but he + had all his simplicity: this was still representing him in something. I + did not become infatuated with him, but he acquired my attachment from + esteem; and by degrees this esteem led to friendship, and I totally + forgot the objection I made to the Baron Holbach: that he was too rich. + </p> + <p> + For a long time I saw but little of Du Perou, because I did not go to + Neuchatel, and he came but once a year to the mountain of Colonel Pury. + Why did I not go to Neuchatel? This proceeded from a childishness upon + which I must not be silent. + </p> + <p> + Although protected by the King of Prussia and the lord marshal, while I + avoided persecution in my asylum, I did not avoid the murmurs of the + public, of municipal magistrates and ministers. After what had happened + in France it became fashionable to insult me; these people would have + been afraid to seem to disapprove of what my persecutors had done by not + imitating them. The 'classe' of Neuchatel, that is, the ministers of + that city, gave the impulse, by endeavoring to move the council of state + against me. This attempt not having succeeded, the ministers addressed + themselves to the municipal magistrate, who immediately prohibited my + book, treating me on all occasions with but little civility, and saying, + that had I wished to reside in the city I should not have been suffered + to do it. They filled their Mercury with absurdities and the most stupid + hypocrisy, which, although, it makes every man of sense laugh, animated + the people against me. This, however, did not prevent them from setting + forth that I ought to be very grateful for their permitting me to live + at Motiers, where they had no authority; they would willingly have + measured me the air by the pint, provided I had paid for it a dear + price. They would have it that I was obliged to them for the protection + the king granted me in spite of the efforts they incessantly made to + deprive me of it. Finally, failing of success, after having done me all + the injury they could, and defamed me to the utmost of their power, they + made a merit of their impotence, by boasting of their goodness in + suffering me to stay in their country. I ought to have laughed at their + vain efforts, but I was foolish enough to be vexed at them, and had the + weakness to be unwilling to go to Neuchatel, to which I yielded for + almost two years, as if it was not doing too much honor to such + wretches, to pay attention to their proceedings, which, good or bad, + could not be imputed to them, because they never act but from a foreign + impulse. Besides, minds without sense or knowledge, whose objects of + esteem are influence, power and money, and far from imagining even that + some respect is due to talents, and that it is dishonorable to injure + and insult them. + </p> + <p> + A certain mayor of a village, who from sundry malversations had been + deprived of his office, said to the lieutenant of Val de Travers, the + husband of Isabella: "I am told this Rousseau has great wit,—bring + him to me that I may see whether he has or not." The disapprobation of + such a man ought certainly to have no effect upon those on whom it + falls. + </p> + <p> + After the treatment I had received at Paris, Geneva, Berne, and even at + Neuchatel, I expected no favor from the pastor of this place. I had, + however, been recommended to him by Madam Boy de la Tour, and he had + given me a good reception; but in that country where every new-comer is + indiscriminately flattered, civilities signify but little. Yet, after my + solemn union with the reformed church, and living in a Protestant + country, I could not, without failing in my engagements, as well as in + the duty of a citizen, neglect the public profession of the religion + into which I had entered; I therefore attended divine service. On the + other hand, had I gone to the holy table, I was afraid of exposing + myself to a refusal, and it was by no means probable, that after the + tumult excited at Geneva by the council, and at Neuchatel by the classe + (the ministers), he would, without difficulty administer to me the + sacrament in his church. The time of communion approaching, I wrote to + M. de Montmollin, the minister, to prove to him my desire of + communicating, and declaring myself heartily united to the Protestant + church; I also told him, in order to avoid disputing upon articles of + faith, that I would not hearken to any particular explanation of the + point of doctrine. After taking these steps I made myself easy, not + doubting but M. de Montmollin would refuse to admit me without the + preliminary discussion to which I refused to consent, and that in this + manner everything would be at an end without any fault of mine. I was + deceived: when I least expected anything of the kind, M. de Montmollin + came to declare to me not only that he admitted me to the communion + under the condition which I had proposed, but that he and the elders + thought themselves much honored by my being one of their flock. I never + in my whole life felt greater surprise or received from it more + consolation. Living always alone and unconnected, appeared to me a + melancholy destiny, especially in adversity. In the midst of so many + proscriptions and persecutions, I found it extremely agreeable to be + able to say to myself: I am at least amongst my brethren; and I went to + the communion with an emotion of heart, and my eyes suffused with tears + of tenderness, which perhaps were the most agreeable preparation to Him + to whose table I was drawing near. + </p> + <p> + Sometime afterwards his lordship sent me a letter from Madam de + Boufflers, which he had received, at least I presumed so, by means of + D'Alembert, who was acquainted with the marechal. In this letter, the + first this lady had written to me after my departure from Montmorency, + she rebuked me severely for having written to M. de Montmollin, and + especially for having communicated. I the less understood what she meant + by her reproof, as after my journey to Geneva, I had constantly declared + myself a Protestant, and had gone publicly to the Hotel de Hollande + without incurring the least censure from anybody. It appeared to me + diverting enough, that Madam de Boufflers should wish to direct my + conscience in matters of religion. However, as I had no doubt of the + purity of her intention, I was not offended by this singular sally, and + I answered her without anger, stating to her my reasons. + </p> + <p> + Calumnies in print were still industriously circulated, and their benign + authors reproached the different powers with treating me too mildly. For + my part, I let them say and write what they pleased, without giving + myself the least concern about the matter. I was told there was a + censure from the Sorbonne, but this I could not believe. What could the + Sorbonne have to do in the matter? Did the doctors wish to know to a + certainty that I was not a Catholic? Everybody already knew I was not + one. Were they desirous of proving I was not a good Calvinist? Of what + consequence was this to them? It was taking upon themselves a singular + care, and becoming the substitutes of our ministers. Before I saw this + publication I thought it was distributed in the name of the Sorbonne, by + way of mockery: and when I had read it I was convinced this was the + case. But when at length there was not a doubt of its authenticity, all + I could bring myself to believe was, that the learned doctors would have + been better placed in a madhouse than they were in the college. + </p> + <p> + I was more affected by another publication, because it came from a man + for whom I always had an esteem, and whose constancy I admired, though I + pitied his blindness. I mean the mandatory letter against me by the + archbishop of Paris. I thought to return an answer to it was a duty I + owed myself. This I felt I could do without derogating from my dignity; + the case was something similar to that of the King of Poland. I had + always detested brutal disputes, after the manner of Voltaire. I never + combat but with dignity, and before I deign to defend myself I must be + certain that he by whom I am attacked will not dishonor my retort. I had + no doubt but this letter was fabricated by the Jesuits, and although + they were at that time in distress, I discovered in it their old + principle of crushing the wretched. I was therefore at liberty to follow + my ancient maxim, by honoring the titulary author, and refuting the work + which I think I did completely. + </p> + <p> + I found my residence at Motiers very agreeable, and nothing was wanting + to determine me to end my days there, but a certainty of the means of + subsistence. Living is dear in that neighborhood, and all my old + projects had been overturned by the dissolution of my household + arrangements at Montmorency, the establishment of others, the sale or + squandering of my furniture, and the expenses incurred since my + departure. The little capital which remained to me daily diminished. Two + or three years were sufficient to consume the remainder without my + having the means of renewing it, except by again engaging in literary + pursuits: a pernicious profession which I had already abandoned. + Persuaded that everything which concerned me would change, and that the + public, recovered from its frenzy, would make my persecutors blush, all + my endeavors tended to prolong my resources until this happy revolution + should take place, after which I should more at my ease choose a + resource from amongst those which might offer themselves. To this effect + I took up my Dictionary of Music, which ten years' labor had so far + advanced as to leave nothing wanting to it but the last corrections. My + books which I had lately received, enabled me to finish this work; my + papers sent me by the same conveyance, furnished me with the means of + beginning my memoirs to which I was determined to give my whole + attention. I began by transcribing the letters into a book, by which my + memory might be guided in the order of fact and time. I had already + selected those I intended to keep for this purpose, and for ten years + the series was not interrupted. However, in preparing them for copying I + found an interruption at which I was surprised. This was for almost six + months, from October, 1756, to March following. I recollected having put + into my selection a number of letters from Diderot, De Leyre, Madam d' + Epinay, Madam de Chenonceaux, etc., which filled up the void and were + missing. What was become of them? Had any person laid their hands upon + my papers whilst they remained in the Hotel de Luxembourg? This was not + conceivable, and I had seen M. de Luxembourg take the key of the chamber + in which I had deposited them. Many letters from different ladies, and + all those from Diderot, were without date, on which account I had been + under the necessity of dating them from memory before they could be put + in order, and thinking I might have committed errors, I again looked + them over for the purpose of seeing whether or not I could find those + which ought to fill up the void. This experiment did not succeed. I + perceived the vacancy to be real, and that the letters had certainly + been taken away. By whom and for what purpose? This was what I could not + comprehend. These letters, written prior to my great quarrels, and at + the time of my first enthusiasm in the composition of 'Eloisa', could + not be interesting to any person. They contained nothing more than + cavillings by Diderot, jeerings from De Leyre, assurances of friendship + from M. de Chenonceaux, and even Madam d'Epinay, with whom I was then + upon the best of terms. To whom were these letters of consequence? To + what use were they to be put? It was not until seven years afterwards + that I suspected the nature of the theft. The deficiency being no longer + doubtful, I looked over my rough drafts to see whether or not it was the + only one. I found several, which on account of the badness of my memory, + made me suppose others in the multitude of my papers. Those I remarked + were that of the 'Morale Sensitive', and the extract of the adventures + of Lord Edward. The last, I confess, made me suspect Madam de + Luxembourg. La Roche, her valet de chambre, had sent me the papers, and + I could think of nobody but herself to whom this fragment could be of + consequence; but what concern could the other give her, any more than + the rest of the letters missing, with which, even with evil intentions, + nothing to my prejudice could be done, unless they were falsified? As + for the marechal, with whose friendship for me, and invariable + integrity, I was perfectly acquainted, I never could suspect him for a + moment. The most reasonable supposition, after long tormenting my mind + in endeavoring to discover the author of the theft, that which imputed + it to D'Alembert, who, having thrust himself into the company of Madam + de Luxembourg, might have found means to turn over these papers, and + take from amongst them such manuscripts and letters as he might have + thought proper, either for the purpose of endeavoring to embroil me with + the writer of them, or to appropriate those he should find useful to his + own private purposes. I imagined that, deceived by the title of Morale + Sensitive, he might have supposed it to be the plan of a real treatise + upon materialism, with which he would have armed himself against me in a + manner easy to be imagined. Certain that he would soon be undeceived by + reading the sketch and determined to quit all literary pursuits, these + larcenies gave me but little concern. They besides were not the first + the same hand had committed upon me without having complained of these + pilferings. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [I had found in his 'Elemens de Musique' (Elements of Music) several + things taken from what I had written for the 'Encyclopedie', and which + were given to him several years before the publication of his + elements. I know not what he may have had to do with a book entitled + 'Dictionaire des Beaux Arts' (Dictionary of the Fine Arts) but I found + in it articles transcribed word for word from mine, and this long + before the same articles were printed in the Encyclopedie.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + In a very little time I thought no more of the trick that had been + played me than if nothing had happened, and began to collect the + materials I had left for the purpose of undertaking my projected + confessions. + </p> + <p> + I had long thought the company of ministers, or at least the citizens + and burgesses of Geneva, would remonstrate against the infraction of the + edict in the decree made against me. Everything remained quiet, at least + to all exterior appearance; for discontent was general, and ready, on + the first opportunity, openly to manifest itself. My friends, or persons + calling themselves such, wrote letter after letter exhorting me to come + and put myself at their head, assuring me of public separation from the + council. The fear of the disturbance and troubles which might be caused + by my presence, prevented me from acquiescing with their desires, and, + faithful to the oath I had formerly made, never to take the least part + in any civil dissension in my country, I chose rather to let the offence + remain as it was, and banish myself forever from the country, than to + return to it by means which were violent and dangerous. It is true, I + expected the burgesses would make legal remonstrances against an + infraction in which their interests were deeply concerned; but no such + steps were taken. They who conducted the body of citizens sought less + the real redress of grievances than an opportunity to render themselves + necessary. They caballed but were silent, and suffered me to be + bespattered by the gossips and hypocrites set on to render me odious in + the eyes of the populace, and pass upon them their boistering for a zeal + in favor of religion. + </p> + <p> + After having, during a whole year, vainly expected that some one would + remonstrate against an illegal proceeding, and seeing myself abandoned + by my fellow-citizens, I determined to renounce my ungrateful country in + which I never had lived, from which I had not received either + inheritance or services, and by which, in return for the honor I had + endeavored to do it, I saw myself so unworthily treated by unanimous + consent, since they, who should have spoken, had remained silent. I + therefore wrote to the first syndic for that year, to M. Favre, if I + remember right, a letter in which I solemnly gave up my freedom of the + city of Geneva, carefully observing in it, however, that decency and + moderation, from which I have never departed in the acts of haughtiness + which, in my misfortunes, the cruelty of my enemies have frequently + forced upon me, + </p> + <p> + This step opened the eyes of the citizens, who feeling they had + neglected their own interests by abandoning my defence, took my part + when it was too late. They had wrongs of their own which they joined to + mine, and made these the subject of several well-reasoned + representations, which they strengthened and extended, as the refusal of + the council, supported by the ministry of France, made them more clearly + perceive the project formed to impose on them a yoke. These altercations + produced several pamphlets which were undecisive, until that appeared + entitled 'Lettres ecrites de la Campagne', a work written in favor of + the council, with infinite art, and by which the remonstrating party, + reduced to silence, was crushed for a time. This production, a lasting + monument of the rare talents of its author, came from the + Attorney-General Tronchin, a man of wit and an enlightened + understanding, well versed in the laws and government of the republic. + 'Siluit terra'. + </p> + <p> + The remonstrators, recovered from their first overthrow, undertook to + give an answer, and in time produced one which brought them off + tolerably well. But they all looked to me, as the only person capable of + combating a like adversary with hope of success. I confess I was of + their opinion, and excited by my former fellow-citizens, who thought it + was my duty to aid them with my pen, as I had been the cause of their + embarrassment, I undertook to refute the 'Lettres ecrites de la + Campagne', and parodied the title of them by that of 'Lettres ecrites de + la Montagne,' which I gave to mine. I wrote this answer so secretly, + that at a meeting I had at Thonon, with the chiefs of the malcontents to + talk of their affairs, and where they showed me a sketch of their + answer, I said not a word of mine, which was quite ready, fearing + obstacles might arise relative to the impression of it, should the + magistrate or my enemies hear of what I had done. This work was, however + known in France before the publication; but government chose rather to + let it appear, than to suffer me to guess at the means by which my + secret had been discovered. Concerning this I will state what I know, + which is but trifling: what I have conjectured shall remain with myself. + </p> + <p> + I received, at Motiers, almost as many visits as at the Hermitage and + Montmorency; but these, for the most part were a different kind. They + who had formerly come to see me were people who, having taste, talents, + and principles, something similar to mine, alleged them as the causes of + their visits, and introduced subjects on which I could converse. At + Motiers the case was different, especially with the visitors who came + from France. They were officers or other persons who had no taste for + literature, nor had many of them read my works, although, according to + their own accounts, they had travelled thirty, forty, sixty, and even a + hundred leagues to come and see me, and admire the illustrious man, the + very celebrated, the great man, etc. For from the time of my settling at + Motiers, I received the most impudent flattery, from which the esteem of + those with whom I associated had formerly sheltered me. As but few of my + new visitors deigned to tell me who or what they were, and as they had + neither read nor cast their eye over my works, nor had their researches + and mine been directed to the same objects, I knew not what to speak to + them upon: I waited for what they had to say, because it was for them to + know and tell me the purpose of their visit. It will naturally be + imagined this did not produce conversations very interesting to me, + although they, perhaps, were so to my visitors, according to the + information they might wish to acquire; for as I was without suspicion, + I answered without reserve, to every question they thought proper to ask + me, and they commonly went away as well informed as myself of the + particulars of my situation. + </p> + <p> + I was, for example, visited in this manner by M. de Feins, equerry to + the queen, and captain of cavalry, who had the patience to pass several + days at Motiers, and to follow me on foot even to La Ferriere, leading + his horse by the bridle, without having with me any point of union, + except our acquaintance with Mademoiselle Fel, and that we both played + at 'bilboquet'. [A kind of cup and ball.] + </p> + <p> + Before this I had received another visit much more extraordinary. Two + men arrived on foot, each leading a mule loaded with his little baggage, + lodging at the inn, taking care of their mules and asking to see me. By + the equipage of these muleteers they were taken for smugglers, and the + news that smugglers were come to see me was instantly spread. Their + manner of addressing me sufficiently showed they were persons of another + description; but without being smugglers they might be adventurers, and + this doubt kept me for some time on my guard. They soon removed my + apprehensions. One was M. de Montauban, who had the title of Comte de la + Tour du Pin, gentleman to the dauphin; the other, M. Dastier de + Carpentras, an old officer who had his cross of St. Louis in his pocket, + because he could not display it. These gentlemen, both very amiable, + were men of sense, and their manner of travelling, so much to my own + taste, and but little like that of French gentlemen, in some measure + gained them my attachment, which an intercourse with them served to + improve. Our acquaintance did not end with the visit; it is still kept + up, and they have since been several times to see me, not on foot, that + was very well for the first time; but the more I have seen of these + gentlemen the less similarity have I found between their taste and mine; + I have not discovered their maxims to be such as I have ever observed, + that my writings are familiar to them, or that there is any real + sympathy between them and myself. What, therefore, did they want with + me? Why came they to see me with such an equipage? Why repeat their + visit? Why were they so desirous of having me for their host? I did not + at that time propose to myself these questions; but they have sometimes + occurred to me since. + </p> + <p> + Won by their advances, my heart abandoned itself without reserve, + especially to M. Dastier, with whose open countenance I was more + particularly pleased. I even corresponded with him, and when I + determined to print the 'Letters from the Mountains', I thought of + addressing myself to him, to deceive those by whom my packet was waited + for upon the road to Holland. He had spoken to me a good deal, and + perhaps purposely, upon the liberty of the press at Avignon; he offered + me his services should I have anything to print there: I took advantage + of the offer and sent him successively by the post my first sheets. + After having kept these for some time, he sent them back to me, + "Because," said he, "no bookseller dared to sell them;" and I was + obliged to have recourse to Rey taking care to send my papers, one after + the other, and not to part with those which succeeded until I had advice + of the reception of those already sent. Before the work was published, I + found it had been seen in the office of the ministers, and D'Escherny, + of Neuchatel, spoke to me of the book, entitled 'Del' Homme de la + Monlagne', which D'Holbach had told him was by me. I assured him, and it + was true, that I never had written a book which bore that title. When + the letters appeared he became furious, and accused me of falsehood; + although I had told him truth. By this means I was certain my manuscript + had been read; as I could not doubt the fidelity of Rey, the most + rational conjecture seemed to be, that my packets had been opened at the + post-house. + </p> + <p> + Another acquaintance I made much about the same time, but which was + begun by letters, was that with M. Laliand of Nimes, who wrote to me + from Paris, begging I would send him my profile; he said he was in want + of it for my bust in marble, which Le Moine was making for him to be + placed in his library. If this was a pretence invented to deceive me, it + fully succeeded. I imagined that a man who wished to have my bust in + marble in his library had his head full of my works, consequently of my + principles, and that he loved me because his mind was in unison with + mine. It was natural this idea should seduce me. I have since seen M. + Laliand. I found him very ready to render me many trifling services, and + to concern himself in my little affairs, but I have my doubts of his + having, in the few books he ever read, fallen upon any one of those I + have written. I do not know that he has a library, or that such a thing + is of any use to him; and for the bust he has a bad figure in plaster, + by Le Moine, from which has been engraved a hideous portrait that bears + my name, as if it bore to me some resemblance. + </p> + <p> + The only Frenchman who seemed to come to see me, on account of my + sentiments, and his taste for my works, was a young officer of the + regiment of Limousin, named Seguier de St. Brisson. He made a figure in + Paris, where he still perhaps distinguishes himself by his pleasing + talents and wit. He came once to Montmorency, the winter which preceded + my catastrophe. I was pleased with his vivacity. He afterwards wrote to + me at Motiers, and whether he wished to flatter me, or that his head was + turned with Emilius, he informed me he was about to quit the service to + live independently, and had begun to learn the trade of a carpenter. He + had an elder brother, a captain in the same regiment, the favorite of + the mother, who, a devotee to excess, and directed by I know not what + hypocrite, did not treat the youngest son well, accusing him of + irreligion, and what was still worse, of the unpardonable crime of being + connected with me. These were the grievances, on account of which he was + determined to break with his mother, and adopt the manner of life of + which I have just spoken, all to play the part of the young Emilius. + Alarmed at his petulance, I immediately wrote to him, endeavoring to + make him change his resolution, and my exhortations were as strong as I + could make them. They had their effect. He returned to his duty, to his + mother, and took back the resignation he had given the colonel, who had + been prudent enough to make no use of it, that the young man might have + time to reflect upon what he had done. St. Brisson, cured of these + follies, was guilty of another less alarming, but, to me, not less + disagreeable than the rest: he became an author. He successively + published two or three pamphlets which announced a man not devoid of + talents, but I have not to reproach myself with having encouraged him by + my praises to continue to write. + </p> + <p> + Some time afterwards he came to see me, and we made together a + pilgrimage to the island of St. Pierre. During this journey I found him + different from what I saw of him at Montmorency. He had, in his manner, + something affected, which at first did not much disgust me, although I + have since thought of it to his disadvantage. He once visited me at the + hotel de St. Simon, as I passed through Paris on my way to England. I + learned there what he had not told me, that he lived in the great world, + and often visited Madam de Luxembourg. Whilst I was at Trie, I never + heard from him, nor did he so much as make inquiry after me, by means of + his relation Mademoiselle Seguier, my neighbor. This lady never seemed + favorably disposed towards me. In a word, the infatuation of M. de St. + Brisson ended suddenly, like the connection of M. de Feins: but this man + owed me nothing, and the former was under obligations to me, unless the + follies I prevented him from committing were nothing more than + affectation; which might very possibly be the case. + </p> + <p> + I had visits from Geneva also. The Delucs, father and son, successively + chose me for their attendant in sickness. The father was taken ill on + the road, the son was already sick when he left Geneva; they both came + to my house. Ministers, relations, hypocrites, and persons of every + description came from Geneva and Switzerland, not like those from + France, to laugh at and admire me, but to rebuke and catechise me. The + only person amongst them, who gave me pleasure, was Moultou, who passed + with me three or four days, and whom I wished to remain much longer; the + most persevering of all, the most obstinate, and who conquered me by + importunity, was a M. d'Ivernois, a merchant at Geneva, a French + refugee, and related to the attorney-general of Neuchatel. This man came + from Geneva to Motiers twice a year, on purpose to see me, remained with + me several days together from morning to night, accompanied me in my + walks, brought me a thousand little presents, insinuated himself in + spite of me into my confidence, and intermeddled in all my affairs, + notwithstanding there was not between him and myself the least + similarity of ideas, inclination, sentiment, or knowledge. I do not + believe he ever read a book of any kind throughout, or that he knows + upon what subject mine are written. When I began to herbalize, he + followed me in my botanical rambles, without taste for that amusement, + or having anything to say to me or I to him. He had the patience to pass + with me three days in a public house at Goumoins, whence, by wearying + him and making him feel how much he wearied me, I was in hopes of + driving him away. I could not, however, shake his incredible + perseverance, nor by any means discover the motive of it. + </p> + <p> + Amongst these connections, made and continued by force, I must not omit + the only one that was agreeable to me, and in which my heart was really + interested: this was that I had with a young Hungarian who came to live + at Neuchatel, and from that place to Motiers, a few months after I had + taken up my residence there. He was called by the people of the country + the Baron de Sauttern, by which name he had been recommended from + Zurich. He was tall, well made, had an agreeable countenance, and mild + and social qualities. He told everybody, and gave me also to understand + that he came to Neuchatel for no other purpose, than that of forming his + youth to virtue, by his intercourse with me. His physiognomy, manner, + and behavior, seemed well suited to his conversation, and I should have + thought I failed in one of the greatest duties had I turned my back upon + a young man in whom I perceived nothing but what was amiable, and who + sought my acquaintance from so respectable a motive. My heart knows not + how to connect itself by halves. He soon acquired my friendship, and all + my confidence, and we were presently inseparable. He accompanied me in + all my walks, and become fond of them. I took him to the marechal, who + received him with the utmost kindness. As he was yet unable to explain + himself in French, he spoke and wrote to me in Latin, I answered in + French, and this mingling of the two languages did not make our + conversations either less smooth or lively. He spoke of his family, his + affairs, his adventures, and of the court of Vienna, with the domestic + details of which he seemed well acquainted. In fine, during two years + which we passed in the greatest intimacy, I found in him a mildness of + character proof against everything, manners not only polite but elegant, + great neatness of person, an extreme decency in his conversation, in a + word, all the marks of a man born and educated a gentleman, and which + rendered him in my eyes too estimable not to make him dear to me. + </p> + <p> + At the time we were upon the most intimate and friendly terms, D' + Ivernois wrote to me from Geneva, putting me upon my guard against the + young Hungarian who had taken up his residence in my neighborhood; + telling me he was a spy whom the minister of France had appointed to + watch my proceedings. This information was of a nature to alarm me the + more, as everybody advised me to guard against the machinations of + persons who were employed to keep an eye upon my actions, and to entice + me into France for the purpose of betraying me. To shut the mouths, once + for all, of these foolish advisers, I proposed to Sauttern, without + giving him the least intimation of the information I had received, a + journey on foot to Pontarlier, to which he consented. As soon as we + arrived there I put the letter from D'Ivernois into his hands, and after + giving him an ardent embrace, I said: "Sauttern has no need of a proof + of my confidence in him, but it is necessary I should prove to the + public that I know in whom to place it." This embrace was accompanied + with a pleasure which persecutors can neither feel themselves, nor take + away from the oppressed. + </p> + <p> + I will never believe Sauttern was a spy, nor that he betrayed me: but I + was deceived by him. When I opened to him my heart without reserve, he + constantly kept his own shut, and abused me by lies. He invented I know + not what kind of story, to prove to me his presence was necessary in his + own country. I exhorted him to return to it as soon as possible. He + setoff, and when I thought he was in Hungary, I learned he was at + Strasbourgh. This was not the first time he had been there. He had + caused some disorder in a family in that city; and the husband knowing I + received him in my house, wrote to me. I used every effort to bring the + young woman back to the paths of virtue, and Sauttern to his duty. + </p> + <p> + When I thought they were perfectly detached from each other, they + renewed their acquaintance, and the husband had the complaisance to + receive the young man at his house; from that moment I had nothing more + to say. I found the pretended baron had imposed upon me by a great + number of lies. His name was not Sauttern, but Sauttersheim. With + respect to the title of baron, given him in Switzerland, I could not + reproach him with the impropriety, because he had never taken it; but I + have not a doubt of his being a gentleman, and the marshal, who knew + mankind, and had been in Hungary, always considered and treated him as + such. + </p> + <p> + He had no sooner left my neighborhood, than the girl at the inn where he + eat, at Motiers, declared herself with child by him. She was so dirty a + creature, and Sauttern, generally esteemed in the country for his + conduct and purity of morals, piqued himself so much upon cleanliness, + that everybody was shocked at this impudent pretension. The most amiable + women of the country, who had vainly displayed to him their charms, were + furious: I myself was almost choked with indignation. I used every + effort to get the tongue of this impudent woman stopped, offering to pay + all expenses, and to give security for Sauttersheim. I wrote to him in + the fullest persuasion, not only that this pregnancy could not relate to + him, but that it was feigned, and the whole a machination of his enemies + and mine. I wished him to return and confound the strumpet, and those by + whom she was dictated to. The pusillanimity of his answer surprised me. + He wrote to the master of the parish to which the creature belonged, and + endeavored to stifle the matter. Perceiving this, I concerned myself no + more about it, but I was astonished that a man who could stoop so low + should have been sufficiently master of himself to deceive me by his + reserve in the closest familiarity. + </p> + <p> + From Strasbourgh, Sauttersheim went to seek his fortune in Paris, and + found there nothing but misery. He wrote to me acknowledging his error. + My compassion was excited by the recollection of our former friendship, + and I sent him a sum of money. The year following, as I passed through + Paris, I saw him much in the same situation; but he was the intimate + friend of M. de Laliand, and I could not learn by what means he had + formed this acquaintance, or whether it was recent or of long standing. + Two years afterwards Sauttersheim returned to Strasbourgh, whence he + wrote to me and where he died. This, in a few words, is the history of + our connection, and what I know of his adventures; but while I mourn the + fate of the unhappy young man, I still, and ever shall, believe he was + the son of people of distinction, and the impropriety of his conduct was + the effect of the situations to which he was reduced. + </p> + <p> + Such were the connections and acquaintance I acquired at Motiers. How + many of these would have been necessary to compensate the cruel losses I + suffered at the same time. + </p> + <p> + The first of these was that of M. de Luxembourg, who, after having been + long tormented by the physicians, at length became their victim, by + being treated for the gout which they would not acknowledge him to have, + as for a disorder they thought they could cure. + </p> + <p> + According to what La Roche, the confidential servant of Madam de + Luxembourg, wrote to me relative to what had happened, it is by this + cruel and memorable example that the miseries of greatness are to be + deplored. + </p> + <p> + The loss of this good nobleman afflicted me the more, as he was the only + real friend I had in France, and the mildness of his character was such + as to make me quite forget his rank, and attach myself to him as his + equal. Our connection was not broken off on account of my having quitted + the kingdom; he continued to write to me as usual. + </p> + <p> + I nevertheless thought I perceived that absence, or my misfortune, had + cooled his affection for me. It is difficult to a courtier to preserve + the same attachment to a person whom he knows to be in disgrace with + courts. I moreover suspected the great ascendancy Madam de Luxembourg + had over his mind, had been unfavorable to me, and that she had taken + advantage of our separation to injure me in his esteem. For her part, + notwithstanding a few affected marks of regard, which daily became less + frequent, she less concealed the change in her friendship. She wrote to + me four or five times into Switzerland, after which she never wrote to + me again, and nothing but my prejudice, confidence and blindness, could + have prevented my discovering in her something more than a coolness + towards me. + </p> + <p> + Guy the bookseller, partner with Duchesne, who, after I had left + Montmorency, frequently went to the hotel de Luxembourg, wrote to me + that my name was in the will of the marechal. There was nothing in this + either incredible or extraordinary, on which account I had no doubt of + the truth of the information. I deliberated within myself whether or not + I should receive the legacy. Everything well considered, I determined to + accept it, whatever it might be, and to do that honor to the memory of + an honest man, who, in a rank in which friendship is seldom found, had + had a real one for me. I had not this duty to fulfill. I heard no more + of the legacy, whether it were true or false; and in truth I should have + felt some pain in offending against one of the great maxims of my system + of morality, in profiting by anything at the death of a person whom I + had once held dear. During the last illness of our friend Mussard, + Leneips proposed to me to take advantage of the grateful sense he + expressed for our cares, to insinuate to him dispositions in our favor. + "Ah! my dear Leneips," said I, "let us not pollute by interested ideas + the sad but sacred duties we discharge towards our dying friend. I hope + my name will never be found in the testament of any person, at least not + in that of a friend." It was about this time that my lord marshal spoke + to me of his, of what he intended to do in it for me, and that I made + him the answer of which I have spoken in the first part of my memoirs. + </p> + <p> + My second loss, still more afflicting and irreparable, was that of the + best of women and mothers, who, already weighed down with years, and + overburthened with infirmities and misery, quitted this vale of tears + for the abode of the blessed, where the amiable remembrance of the good + we have done here below is the eternal reward of our benevolence. Go, + gentle and beneficent shade, to those of Fenelon, Berneg, Catinat, and + others, who in a more humble state have, like them, opened their hearts + to pure charity; go and taste of the fruit of your own benevolence, and + prepare for your son the place he hopes to fill by your side. Happy in + your misfortunes that Heaven, in putting to them a period, has spared + you the cruel spectacle of his! Fearing, lest I should fill her heart + with sorrow by the recital of my first disasters, I had not written to + her since my arrival in Switzerland; but I wrote to M. de Conzie, to + inquire after her situation, and it was from him I learned she had + ceased to alleviate the sufferings of the afflicted, and that her own + were at an end. I myself shall not suffer long; but if I thought I + should not see her again in the life to come, my feeble imagination + would less delight in the idea of the perfect happiness I there hope to + enjoy. + </p> + <p> + My third and last loss, for since that time I have not had a friend to + lose, was that of the lord marshal. He did not die but tired of serving + the ungratful, he left Neuchatel, and I have never seen him since. He + still lives, and will, I hope, survive me: he is alive, and thanks to + him all my attachments on earth are not destroyed. There is one man + still worthy of my friendship; for the real value of this consists more + in what we feel than in that which we inspire; but I have lost the + pleasure I enjoyed in his, and can rank him in the number of those only + whom I love, but with whom I am no longer connected. He went to England + to receive the pardon of the king, and acquired the possession of the + property which formerly had been confiscated. We did not separate + without an intention of again being united, the idea of which seemed to + give him as much pleasure as I received from it. He determined to reside + at Keith Hall, near Aberdeen, and I was to join him as soon as he was + settled there: but this project was too flattering to my hopes to give + me any of its success. He did not remain in Scotland. The affectionate + solicitations of the King of Prussia induced him to return to Berlin, + and the reason of my not going to him there will presently appear. + </p> + <p> + Before this departure, foreseeing the storm which my enemies began to + raise against me, he of his own accord sent me letters of + naturalization, which seemed to be a certain means of preventing me from + being driven from the country. The community of the Convent of Val de + Travers followed the example of the governor, and gave me letters of + Communion, gratis, as they were the first. Thus, in every respect, + become a citizen, I was sheltered from legal expulsion, even by the + prince; but it has never been by legitimate means, that the man who, of + all others, has shown the greatest respect for the laws, has been + persecuted. I do not think I ought to enumerate, amongst the number of + my losses at this time, that of the Abbe Malby. Having lived sometime at + the house of his mother, I have been acquainted with the abbe, but not + very intimately, and I have reason to believe the nature of his + sentiments with respect to me changed after I acquired a greater + celebrity than he already had. But the first time I discovered his + insincerity was immediately after the publication of the 'Letters from + the Mountain'. A letter attributed to him, addressed to Madam Saladin, + was handed about in Geneva, in which he spoke of this work as the + seditious clamors of a furious demagogue. + </p> + <p> + The esteem I had for the Abbe Malby, and my great opinion of his + understanding, did not permit me to believe this extravagant letter was + written by him. I acted in this business with my usual candor. I sent + him a copy of the letter, informing him he was said to be the author of + it. He returned me no answer. This silence astonished me: but what was + my surprise when by a letter I received from Madam de Chenonceaux, I + learned the Abbe was really the author of that which was attributed to + him, and found himself greatly embarrassed by mine. For even supposing + for a moment that what he stated was true, how could he justify so + public an attack, wantonly made, without obligation or necessity, for + the sole purpose of overwhelming in the midst of his greatest + misfortunes, a man to whom he had shown himself a well-wisher, and who + had not done anything that could excite his enmity? In a short time + afterwards the 'Dialogues of Phocion', in which I perceived nothing but + a compilation, without shame or restraint, from my writings, made their + appearance. + </p> + <p> + In reading this book I perceived the author had not the least regard for + me, and that in future I must number him among my most bitter enemies. I + do not believe he has ever pardoned me for the Social Contract, far + superior to his abilities, or the Perpetual Peace; and I am, besides, of + opinion that the desire he expressed that I should make an extract from + the Abby de St. Pierre, proceeded from a supposition in him that I + should not acquit myself of it so well. + </p> + <p> + The further I advance in my narrative, the less order I feel myself + capable of observing. The agitation of the rest of my life has deranged + in my ideas the succession of events. These are too numerous, confused, + and disagreeable to be recited in due order. The only strong impression + they have left upon my mind is that of the horrid mystery by which the + cause of them is concealed, and of the deplorable state to which they + have reduced me. My narrative will in future be irregular, and according + to the events which, without order, may occur to my recollection. I + remember about the time to which I refer, full of the idea of my + confessions, I very imprudently spoke of them to everybody, never + imagining it could be the wish or interest, much less within the power + of any person whatsoever, to throw an obstacle in the way of this + undertaking, and had I suspected it, even this would not have rendered + me more discreet, as from the nature of my disposition it is totally + impossible for me to conceal either my thoughts or feelings. The + knowledge of this enterprise was, as far as I can judge, the cause of + the storm that was raised to drive me from Switzerland, and deliver me + into the hands of those by whom I might be prevented from executing it. + </p> + <p> + I had another project in contemplation which was not looked upon with a + more favorable eye by those who were afraid of the first: this was a + general edition of my works. I thought this edition of them necessary to + ascertain what books, amongst those to which my name was affixed, were + really written by me, and to furnish the public with the means of + distinguishing them from the writings falsely attributed to me by my + enemies, to bring me to dishonor and contempt. This was besides a simple + and an honorable means of insuring to myself a livelihood, and the only + one that remained to me. As I had renounced the profession of an author, + my memoirs not being of a nature to appear during my lifetime; as I no + longer gained a farthing in any manner whatsoever, and constantly lived + at a certain expense, I saw the end of my resources in that of the + produce of the last things I had written. This reason had induced me to + hasten the finishing of my Dictionary of Music, which still was + incomplete. I had received for it a hundred louis(guineas) and a life + annuity of three hundred livres; but a hundred louis could not last long + in the hands of a man who annually expended upwards of sixty, and + three-hundred livres (twelve guineas) a year was but a trifling sum to + one upon whom parasites and beggarly visitors lighted like a swarm of + flies. + </p> + <p> + A company of merchants from Neuchatel came to undertake the general + edition, and a printer or bookseller of the name of Reguillat, from + Lyons, thrust himself, I know not by what means, amongst them to direct + it. The agreement was made upon reasonable terms, and sufficient to + accomplish my object. I had in print and manuscript, matter for six + volumes in quarto. I moreover agreed to give my assistance in bringing + out the edition. The merchants were, on their part, to pay me a thousand + crowns (one hundred and twenty-five pounds) down, and to assign me an + annuity of sixteen hundred livres (sixty-six pounds) for life. + </p> + <p> + The agreement was concluded but not signed, when the Letters from the + Mountain appeared. The terrible explosion caused by this infernal work, + and its abominable author, terrified the company, and the undertaking + was at an end. + </p> + <p> + I would compare the effect of this last production to that of the Letter + on French Music, had not that letter, while it brought upon me hatred, + and exposed me to danger, acquired me respect and esteem. But after the + appearance of the last work, it was a matter of astonishment at Geneva + and Versailles that such a monster as the author of it should be + suffered to exist. The little council, excited by Resident de France, + and directed by the attorney-general, made a declaration against my + work, by which, in the most severe terms, it was declared to be unworthy + of being burned by the hands of the hangman, adding, with an address + which bordered upon the burlesque, there was no possibility of speaking + of or answering it without dishonor. I would here transcribe the + curious. piece of composition, but unfortunately I have it not by me. I + ardently wish some of my readers, animated by the zeal of truth and + equity, would read over the Letters from the Mountain: they will, I dare + hope, feel the stoical moderation which reigns throughout the whole, + after all the cruel outrages with which the author was loaded. But + unable to answer the abuse, because no part of it could be called by + that name nor to the reasons because these were unanswerable, my enemies + pretended to appear too much enraged to reply: and it is true, if they + took the invincible arguments it contains, for abuse, they must have + felt themselves roughly treated. + </p> + <p> + The remonstrating party, far from complaining of the odious declaration, + acted according to the spirit of it, and instead of making a trophy of + the Letters from the Mountain, which they veiled to make them serve as a + shield, were pusillanimous enough not to do justice or honor to that + work, written to defend them, and at their own solicitation. They did + not either quote or mention the letters, although they tacitly drew from + them all their arguments, and by exactly following the advice with which + they conclude, made them the sole cause of their safety and triumph. + They had imposed on me this duty: I had fulfilled it, and unto the end + had served their cause and the country. I begged of them to abandon me, + and in their quarrels to think of nobody but themselves. They took me at + my word, and I concerned myself no more about their affairs, further + than constantly to exhort them to peace, not doubting, should they + continue to be obstinate, of their being crushed by France; this however + did not happen; I know the reason why it did not, but this is not the + place to explain what I mean. + </p> + <p> + The effect produced at Neuchatel by the Letters from the Mountain was at + first very mild. I sent a copy of them to M. de Montmollin, who received + it favorably, and read it without making any objection. He was ill as + well as myself; as soon as he recovered he came in a friendly manner to + see me, and conversed on general subjects. A rumor was however begun; + the book was burned I know not where. From Geneva, Berne, and perhaps + from Versailles, the effervescence quickly passed to Neuchatel, and + especially to Val de Travers, where, before even the ministers had taken + any apparent Steps, an attempt was secretly made to stir up the people, + I ought, I dare assert, to have been beloved by the people of that + country in which I have lived, giving alms in abundance, not leaving + about me an indigent person without assistance, never refusing to do any + service in my power, and which was consistent with justice, making + myself perhaps too familiar with everybody, and avoiding, as far as it + was possible for me to do it, all distinction which might excite the + least jealousy. This, however, did not prevent the populace, secretly + stirred up against me, by I know not whom, from being by degrees + irritated against me, even to fury, nor from publicly insulting me, not + only in the country and upon the road, but in the street. Those to whom + I had rendered the greatest services became most irritated against me, + and even people who still continued to receive my benefactions, not + daring to appear, excited others, and seemed to wish thus to be revenged + of me for their humiliation, by the obligations they were under for the + favors I had conferred upon them. Montmollin seemed to pay no attention + to what was passing, and did not yet come forward. But as the time of + communion approached, he came to advise me not to present myself at the + holy table, assuring me, however, he was not my enemy, and that he would + leave me undisturbed. I found this compliment whimsical enough; it + brought to my recollection the letter from Madam de Boufflers, and I + could not conceive to whom it could be a matter of such importance + whether I communicated or not. Considering this condescension on my part + as an act of cowardice, and moreover, being unwilling to give to the + people a new pretext under which they might charge me with impiety, I + refused the request of the minister, and he went away dissatisfied, + giving me to understand I should repent of my obstinacy. + </p> + <p> + He could not of his own authority forbid me the communion: that of the + Consistory, by which I had been admitted to it, was necessary, and as + long as there was no objection from that body I might present myself + without the fear of being refused. Montmollin procured from the Classe + (the ministers) a commission to summon me to the Consistory, there to + give an account of the articles of my faith, and to excommunicate me + should I refuse to comply. This excommunication could not be pronounced + without the aid of the Consistory also, and a majority of the voices. + But the peasants, who under the appellation of elders, composed this + assembly, presided over and governed by their minister, might naturally + be expected to adopt his opinion, especially in matters of the clergy, + which they still less understood than he did. I was therefore summoned, + and I resolved to appear. + </p> + <p> + What a happy circumstance and triumph would this have been to me could I + have spoken, and had I, if I may so speak, had my pen in my mouth! With + what superiority, with what facility even, should I have overthrown this + poor minister in the midst of his six peasants! The thirst after power + having made the Protestant clergy forget all the principles of the + reformation, all I had to do to recall these to their recollection and + to reduce them to silence, was to make comments upon my first 'Letters + from the Mountain', upon which they had the folly to animadvert. + </p> + <p> + My text was ready, and I had only to enlarge on it, and my adversary was + confounded. I should not have been weak enough to remain on the + defensive; it was easy to me to become an assailant without his even + perceiving it, or being able to shelter himself from my attack. The + contemptible priests of the Classe, equally careless and ignorant, had + of themselves placed me in the most favorable situation I could desire + to crush them at pleasure. But what of this? It was necessary I should + speak without hesitation, and find ideas, turn of expression, and words + at will, preserving a presence of mind, and keeping myself collected, + without once suffering even a momentary confusion. For what could I + hope, feeling as I did, my want of aptitude to express myself with ease? + I had been reduced to the most mortifying silence at Geneva, before an + assembly which was favorable to me, and previously resolved to approve + of everything I should say. Here, on the contrary, I had to do with a + cavalier who, substituting cunning to knowledge, would spread for me a + hundred snares before I could perceive one of them, and was resolutely + determined to catch me in an error let the consequence be what it would. + The more I examined the situation in which I stood, the greater danger I + perceived myself exposed to, and feeling the impossibility of + successfully withdrawing from it, I thought of another expedient. I + meditated a discourse which I intended to pronounce before the + Consistory, to exempt myself from the necessity of answering. The thing + was easy. I wrote the discourse and began to learn it by memory, with an + inconceivable ardor. Theresa laughed at hearing me mutter and + incessantly repeat the same phrases, while endeavoring to cram them into + my head. I hoped, at length, to remember what I had written: I knew the + chatelain as an officer attached to the service of the prince, would be + present at the Consistory, and that notwithstanding the manoeuvres and + bottles of Montmollin, most of the elders were well disposed towards me. + I had, moreover, in my favor, reason, truth, and justice, with the + protection of the king, the authority of the council of state, and the + good wishes of every real patriot, to whom the establishment of this + inquisition was threatening. In fine, everything contributed to + encourage me. + </p> + <p> + On the eve of the day appointed, I had my discourse by rote, and recited + it without missing a word. I had it in my head all night: in the morning + I had forgotten it. I hesitated at every word, thought myself before the + assembly, became confused, stammered, and lost my presence of mind. In + fine, when the time to make my appearance was almost at hand, my courage + totally failed me. I remained at home and wrote to the Consistory, + hastily stating my reasons, and pleaded my disorder, which really, in + the state to which apprehension had reduced me, would scarcely have + permitted me to stay out the whole sitting. + </p> + <p> + The minister, embarrassed by my letter, adjourned the Consistory. In the + interval, he of himself, and by his creatures, made a thousand efforts + to seduce the elders, who, following the dictates of their consciences, + rather than those they received from him, did not vote according to his + wishes, or those of the class. Whatever power his arguments drawn from + his cellar might have over this kind of people, he could not gain one of + them, more than the two or three who were already devoted to his will, + and who were called his 'ames damnees'.—[damned souls]—The + officer of the prince, and the Colonel Pury, who, in this affair, acted + with great zeal, kept the rest to their duty, and when Montmollin wished + to proceed to excommunication, his Consistory, by a majority of voices, + flatly refused to authorize him to do it. Thus reduced to the last + expedient, that of stirring up the people against me, he, his + colleagues, and other persons, set about it openly, and were so + successful, that not-withstanding the strong and frequent rescripts of + the king, and the orders of the council of state, I was at length + obliged to quit the country, that I might not expose the officer of the + king to be himself assassinated while he protected me. + </p> + <p> + The recollection of the whole of this affair is so confused, that it is + impossible for me to reduce to or connect the circumstances of it. I + remember a kind of negotiation had been entered into with the class, in + which Montmollin was the mediator. He feigned to believe it was feared I + should, by my writings, disturb the peace of the country, in which case, + the liberty I had of writing would be blamed. He had given me to + understand that if I consented to lay down my pen, what was past would + be forgotten. I had already entered into this engagement with myself, + and did not hesitate in doing it with the class, but conditionally and + solely in matters of religion. He found means to have a duplicate of the + agreement upon some change necessary to be made in it. The condition + having been rejected by the class; I demanded back the writing, which + was returned to me, but he kept the duplicate, pretending it was lost. + After this, the people, openly excited by the ministers, laughed at the + rescripts of the king, and the orders of the council of state, and shook + off all restraint. I was declaimed against from the pulpit, called + antichrist, and pursued in the country like a mad wolf. My Armenian + dress discovered me to the populace; of this I felt the cruel + inconvenience, but to quit it in such circumstances, appeared to me an + act of cowardice. I could not prevail upon myself to do it, and I + quietly walked through the country with my caffetan and fur bonnet in + the midst of the hootings of the dregs of the people, and sometimes + through a shower of stones. Several times as I passed before houses, I + heard those by whom they were inhabited call out: "Bring me my gun that + I may fire at him." As I did not on this account hasten my pace, my + calmness increased their fury, but they never went further than threats, + at least with respect to firearms. + </p> + <p> + During the fermentation I received from two circumstances the most + sensible pleasure. The first was my having it in my power to prove my + gratitude by means of the lord marshal. The honest part of the + inhabitants of Neuchatel, full of indignation at the treatment I + received, and the manoeuvres of which I was the victim, held the + ministers in execration, clearly perceiving they were obedient to a + foreign impulse, and the vile agents of people, who, in making them act, + kept themselves concealed; they were moreover afraid my case would have + dangerous consequences, and be made a precedent for the purpose of + establishing a real inquisition. + </p> + <p> + The magistrates, and especially M. Meuron, who had succeeded M. d' + Ivernois in the office of attorney-general, made every effort to defend + me. Colonel Pury, although a private individual, did more and succeeded + better. It was the colonel who found means to make Montmollin submit in + his Consistory, by keeping the elders to their duty. He had credit, and + employed it to stop the sedition; but he had nothing more than the + authority of the laws, and the aid of justice and reason, to oppose to + that of money and wine: the combat was unequal, and in this point + Montmollin was triumphant. However, thankful for his zeal and cares, I + wished to have it in my power to make him a return of good offices, and + in some measure discharge a part of the obligations I was under to him. + I knew he was very desirous of being named a counsellor of state; but + having displeased the court by his conduct in the affair of the minister + Petitpierre, he was in disgrace with the prince and governor. I however + undertook, at all risks, to write to the lord marshal in his favor: I + went so far as even to mention the employment of which he was desirous, + and my application was so well received that, contrary to the + expectations of his most ardent well wishers, it was almost instantly + conferred upon him by the king. In this manner fate, which has + constantly raised me to too great an elevation, or plunged me into an + abyss of adversity, continued to toss me from one extreme to another, + and whilst the populace covered me with mud I was able to make a + counsellor of state. + </p> + <p> + The other pleasing circumstance was a visit I received from Madam de + Verdelin with her daughter, with whom she had been at the baths of + Bourbonne, whence they came to Motiers and stayed with me two or three + days. By her attention and cares, she at length conquered my long + repugnancy; and my heart, won by her endearing manner, made her a return + of all the friendship of which she had long given me proofs. This + journey made me extremely sensible of her kindness: my situation + rendered the consolations of friendship highly necessary to support me + under my sufferings. I was afraid she would be too much affected by the + insults I received from the populace, and could have wished to conceal + them from her that her feelings might not be hurt, but this was + impossible; and although her presence was some check upon the insolent + populace in our walks, she saw enough of their brutality to enable her + to judge of what passed when I was alone. During the short residence she + made at Motiers, I was still attacked in my habitation. One morning her + chambermaid found my window blocked up with stones, which had been + thrown at it during the night. A very heavy bench placed in the street + by the side of the house, and strongly fastened down, was taken up and + reared against the door in such a manner as, had it not been perceived + from the window, to have knocked down the first person who should have + opened the door to go out. Madam de Verdelin was acquainted with + everything that passed; for, besides what she herself was witness to, + her confidential servant went into many houses in the village, spoke to + everybody, and was seen in conversation with Montmollin. She did not, + however, seem to pay the least attention to that which happened to me, + nor never mentioned Montmollin nor any other person, and answered in a + few words to what I said to her of him. Persuaded that a residence in + England would be more agreeable to me than any other, she frequently + spoke of Mr. Hume who was then at Paris, of his friendship for me, and + the desire he had of being of service to me in his own country. It is + time I should say something of Hume. + </p> + <p> + He had acquired a great reputation in France amongst the Encyclopedists + by his essays on commerce and politics, and in the last place by his + history of the House of Stuart, the only one of his writings of which I + had read a part, in the translation of the Abbe Prevot. For want of + being acquainted with his other works, I was persuaded, according to + what I heard of him, that Mr. Hume joined a very republican mind to the + English Paradoxes in favor of luxury. In this opinion I considered his + whole apology of Charles I. as a prodigy of impartiality, and I had as + great an idea of his virtue as of his genius. The desire of being + acquainted with this great man, and of obtaining his friendship, had + greatly strengthened the inclination I felt to go to England, induced by + the solicitations of Madam de Boufflers, the intimate friend of Hume. + After my arrival in Switzerland, I received from him, by means of this + lady, a letter extremely flattering; in which, to the highest encomiums + on my genius, he subjoined a pressing invitation to induce me to go to + England, and the offer of all his interest, and that of his friends, to + make my residence there agreeable. I found in the country to which I had + retired, the lord marshal, the countryman and friend of Hume, who + confirmed my good opinion of him, and from whom I learned a literary + anecdote, which did him great honor in the opinion of his lordship and + had the same effect in mine. Wallace, who had written against Hume upon + the subject of the population of the ancients, was absent whilst his + work was in the press. Hume took upon himself to examine the proofs, and + to do the needful to the edition. This manner of acting was according to + my way of thinking. I had sold at six sous (three pence) a piece, the + copies of a song written against myself. I was, therefore, strongly + prejudiced in favor of Hume, when Madam de Verdelin came and mentioned + the lively friendship he expressed for me, and his anxiety to do me the + honors of England; such was her expression. She pressed me a good deal + to take advantage of this zeal and to write to him. As I had not + naturally an inclination to England, and did not intend to go there + until the last extremity, I refused to write or make any promise; but I + left her at liberty to do whatever she should think necessary to keep + Mr. Hume favorably disposed towards me. When she went from Motiers, she + left me in the persuasion, by everything she had said to me of that + illustrious man, that he was my friend, and she herself still more his. + </p> + <p> + After her departure, Montmollin carried on his manoeuvres with more + vigor, and the populace threw off all restraint. Yet I still continued + to walk quietly amidst the hootings of the vulgar; and a taste for + botany, which I had begun to contract with Doctor d'Ivernois, making my + rambling more amusing, I went through the country herbalising, without + being affected by the clamors of this scum of the earth, whose fury was + still augmented by my calmness. What affected me most was, seeing + families of my friends, or of persons who gave themselves that name, + openly join the league of my persecutors; such as the D'Ivernois, + without excepting the father and brother of my Isabel le Boy de la Tour, + a relation to the friend in whose house I lodged, and Madam Girardier, + her sister-in-law. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [This fatality had begun with my residence at, Yverdon; the banneret + Roguin dying a year or two after my departure from that city, the old + papa Roguin had the candor to inform me with grief, as he said, that + in he papers of his relation, proofs had been found of his having been + concerned in the conspiracy to expel me from Yverdon and the state of + Berne. This clearly proved the conspiracy not to be, as some people + pretended to believe, an affair of hypocrisy since the banneret, far + from being a devotee, carried materialism and incredulity to + intolerance and fanaticism. Besides, nobody at Yverdon had shown me + more constant attention, nor had so prodigally bestowed upon me + praises and flattery as this banneret. He faithfully followed the + favorite plan of my persecutors.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + This Peter Boy was such a brute; so stupid, and behaved so uncouthly, + that, to prevent my mind from being disturbed, I took the liberty to + ridicule him; and after the manner of the 'Petit Prophete', I wrote a + pamphlet of a few pages, entitled, 'la Vision de Pierre de la Montagne + dit le Voyant, —[The vision of Peter of the Mountain called the + Seer.]—in which I found means to be diverting enough on the + miracles which then served as the great pretext for my persecution. Du + Peyrou had this scrap printed at Geneva, but its success in the country + was but moderate; the Neuchatelois with all their wit, taste but weakly + attic salt or pleasantry when these are a little refined. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of decrees and persecutions, the Genevese had distinguished + themselves by setting up a hue and cry with all their might; and my + friend Vernes amongst others, with an heroical generosity, chose that + moment precisely to publish against me letters in which he pretended to + prove I was not a Christian. These letters, written with an air of + self-sufficiency were not the better for it, although it was positively + said the celebrated Bonnet had given them some correction: for this man, + although a materialist, has an intolerant orthodoxy the moment I am in + question. There certainly was nothing in this work which could tempt me + to answer it; but having an opportunity of saying a few words upon it in + my 'Letters from the Mountain', I inserted in them a short note + sufficiently expressive of disdain to render Vernes furious. He filled + Geneva with his furious exclamations, and D'Ivernois wrote me word he + had quite lost his senses. Sometime afterwards appeared an anonymous + sheet, which instead of ink seemed to be written with water of + Phelethon. In this letter I was accused of having exposed my children in + the streets, of taking about with me a soldier's trull, of being worn + out with debaucheries,... and other fine things of a like nature. It was + not difficult for me to discover the author. My first idea on reading + this libel, was to reduce to its real value everything the world calls + fame and reputation amongst men; seeing thus a man who was never in a + brothel in his life, and whose greatest defect was in being as timid and + shy as a virgin, treated as a frequenter of places of that description; + and in finding myself charged with being......, I, who not only never + had the least taint of such disorder, but, according to the faculty, was + so constructed as to make it almost impossible for me to contract it. + Everything well considered, I thought I could not better refute this + libel than by having it printed in the city in which I longest resided, + and with this intention I sent it to Duchesne to print it as it was with + an advertisement in which I named M. Vernes and a few short notes by way + of eclaircissement. Not satisfied with printing it only, I sent copies + to several persons, and amongst others one copy to the Prince Louis of + Wirtemberg, who had made me polite advances and with whom I was in + correspondence. The prince, Du Peyrou, and others, seemed to have their + doubts about the author of the libel, and blamed me for having named + Vernes upon so slight a foundation. Their remarks produced in me some + scruples, and I wrote to Duchesne to suppress the paper. Guy wrote to me + he had suppressed it: this may or may not be the case; I have been + deceived on so many occasions that there would be nothing extraordinary + in my being so on this, and from the time of which I speak, was so + enveloped in profound darkness that it was impossible for me to come at + any kind of truth. + </p> + <p> + M. Vernes bore the imputation with a moderation more than astonishing in + a man who was supposed not to have deserved it, and after the fury with + which he was seized on former occasions. He wrote me two or three + letters in very guarded terms, with a view, as it appeared to me, to + endeavor by my answers to discover how far I was certain of his being + the author of the paper, and whether or not I had any proofs against + him. I wrote him two short answers, severe in the sense, but politely + expressed, and with which he was not displeased. To his third letter, + perceiving he wished to form with me a kind of correspondence, I + returned no answer, and he got D'Ivernois to speak to me. Madam Cramer + wrote to Du Peyrou, telling him she was certain the libel was not by + Vernes. This however, did not make me change my opinion. But as it was + possible I might be deceived, and as it is certain that if I were, I + owed Vernes an explicit reparation, I sent him word by D'Ivernois that I + would make him such a one as he should think proper, provided he would + name to me the real author of the libel, or at least prove that he + himself was not so. I went further: feeling that, after all, were he not + culpable, I had no right to call upon him for proofs of any kind, I + stated in a memoir of considerable length, the reasons whence I had + inferred my conclusion, and determined to submit them to the judgment of + an arbitrator, against whom Vernes could not except. But few people + would guess the arbitrator of whom I made choice. I declared at the end + of the memoir, that if, after having examined it, and made such + inquiries as should seem necessary, the council pronounced M. Vernes not + to be the author of the libel, from that moment I should be fully + persuaded he was not, and would immediately go and throw myself at his + feet, and ask his pardon until I had obtained it. I can say with the + greatest truth that my ardent zeal for equity, the uprightness and + generosity of my heart, and my confidence in the love of justice innate + in every mind never appeared more fully and perceptible than in this + wise and interesting memoir, in which I took, without hesitation, my + most implacable enemies for arbitrators between a calumniator and + myself. I read to Du Peyrou what I had written: he advised me to + suppress it, and I did so. He wished me to wait for the proofs Vernes + promised, and I am still waiting for them: he thought it best that I + should in the meantime be silent, and I held my tongue, and shall do so + the rest of my life, censured as I am for having brought against Vernes + a heavy imputation, false and unsupportable by proof, although I am + still fully persuaded, nay, as convinced as I am of my existence, that + he is the author of the libel. My memoir is in the hands of Du Peyrou. + Should it ever be published my reasons will be found in it, and the + heart of Jean Jacques, with which my contemporaries would not be + acquainted, will I hope be known. + </p> + <p> + I have now to proceed to my catastrophe at Motiers, and to my departure + from Val de Travers, after a residence of two years and a half, and an + eight months suffering with unshaken constancy of the most unworthy + treatment. It is impossible for me clearly to recollect the + circumstances of this disagreeable period, but a detail of them will be + found in a publication to that effect by Du Peyrou, of which I shall + hereafter have occasion to speak. + </p> + <p> + After the departure of Madam de Verdelin the fermentation increased, + and, notwithstanding the reiterated rescripts of the king, the frequent + orders of the council of state, and the cares of the chatelain and + magistrates of the place, the people, seriously considering me as + antichrist, and perceiving all their clamors to be of no effect, seemed + at length determined to proceed to violence; stones were already thrown + after me in the roads, but I was however in general at too great a + distance to receive any harm from them. At last, in the night of the + fair of Motiers, which is in the beginning of September, I was attacked + in my habitation in such a manner as to endanger the lives of everybody + in the house. + </p> + <p> + At midnight I heard a great noise in the gallery which ran along the + back part of the house. A shower of stones thrown against the window and + the door which opened to the gallery fell into it with so much noise and + violence, that my dog, which usually slept there, and had begun to bark, + ceased from fright, and ran into a corner gnawing and scratching the + planks to endeavor to make his escape. I immediately rose, and was + preparing to go from my chamber into the kitchen, when a stone thrown by + a vigorous arm crossed the latter, after having broken the window, + forced open the door of my chamber, and fell at my feet, so that had I + been a moment sooner upon the floor I should have had the stone against + my stomach. I judged the noise had been made to bring me to the door, + and the stone thrown to receive me as I went out. I ran into the + kitchen, where I found Theresa, who also had risen, and was tremblingly + making her way to me as fast as she could. We placed ourselves against + the wall out of the direction of the window to avoid the stones, and + deliberate upon what was best to be done; for going out to call + assistance was the certain means of getting ourselves knocked on the + head. Fortunately the maid-servant of an old man who lodged under me was + waked by the noise, and got up and ran to call the chatelain, whose + house was next to mine. He jumped from his bed, put on his robe de + chambre, and instantly came to me with the guard, which, on account of + the fair, went the round that night, and was just at hand. The chatelain + was so alarmed at the sight of the effects of what had happened that he + turned pale and on seeing the stones in the gallery, exclaimed, "Good + God! here is a quarry!" On examining below stairs, a door of a little + court was found to have been forced, and there was an appearance of an + attempt having been made to get into the house by the gallery. On + inquiring the reason why the guard had neither prevented nor perceived + the disturbance, it came out that the guards of Motiers had insisted + upon doing duty that night, although it was the turn of those of another + village. + </p> + <p> + The next day the chatelain sent his report to the council of state, + which two days afterwards sent an order to inquire into the affair, to + promise a reward and secrecy to those who should impeach such as were + guilty, and in the meantime to place, at the expense of the king, guards + about my house, and that of the chatelain, which joined to it. The day + after the disturbance, Colonel Pury, the Attorney-General Meuron, the + Chatelain Martinet, the Receiver Guyenet, the Treasurer d'Ivernois and + his father, in a word, every person of consequence in the country, came + to see me, and united their solicitations to persuade me to yield to the + storm and leave, at least for a time, a place in which I could no longer + live in safety nor with honor. I perceived that even the chatelain was + frightened at the fury of the people, and apprehending it might extend + to himself, would be glad to see me depart as soon as possible, that he + might no longer have the trouble of protecting me there, and be able to + quit the parish, which he did after my departure. I therefore yielded to + their solicitations, and this with but little pain, for the hatred of + the people so afflicted my heart that I was no longer able to support + it. + </p> + <p> + I had a choice of places to retire to. After Madam de Verdelin returned + to Paris, she had, in several letters, mentioned a Mr. Walpole, whom she + called my lord, who, having a strong desire to serve me, proposed to me + an asylum at one of his country houses, of the situation of which she + gave me the most agreeable description; entering, relative to lodging + and subsistence, into a detail which proved she and Lord Walpole had + held particular consultations upon the project. My lord marshal had + always advised me to go to England or Scotland, and in case of my + determining upon the latter, offered me there an asylum. But he offered + me another at Potsdam, near to his person, and which tempted me more + than all the rest. + </p> + <p> + He had just communicated to me what the king had said to him about my + going there, which was a kind of invitation to me from that monarch, and + the Duchess of Saxe-Gotha depended so much upon my taking the journey + that she wrote to me desiring I should go to see her in my way to the + court of Prussia, and stay some time before I proceeded farther; but I + was so attached to Switzerland that I could not resolve to quit it so + long as it was possible for me to live there, and I seized this + opportunity to execute a project of which I had for several months + conceived the idea, and of which I have deferred speaking, that I might + not interrupt my narrative. + </p> + <p> + This project consisted in going to reside in the island of St. Peter, an + estate belonging to the Hospital of Berne, in the middle of the lake of + Bienne. In a pedestrian pilgrimage I had made the preceding year with Du + Peyrou we had visited this isle, with which I was so much delighted that + I had since that time incessantly thought of the means of making it my + place of residence. The greatest obstacle to my wishes arose from the + property of the island being vested in the people of Berne, who three + years before had driven me from amongst them; and besides the + mortification of returning to live with people who had given me so + unfavorable a reception, I had reason to fear they would leave me no + more at peace in the island than they had done at Yverdon. I had + consulted the lord marshal upon the subject, who thinking as I did, that + the people of Berne would be glad to see me banished to the island, and + to keep me there as a hostage for the works I might be tempted to write, + and sounded their dispositions by means of M. Sturler, his old neighbor + at Colombier. M. Sturler addressed himself to the chiefs of the state, + and, according to their answer assured the marshal the Bernois, sorry + for their past behavior, wished to see me settled in the island of St. + Peter, and to leave me there at peace. As an additional precaution, + before I determined to reside there, I desired the Colonel Chaillet to + make new inquiries. He confirmed what I had already heard, and the + receiver of the island having obtained from his superiors permission to + lodge me in it, I thought I might without danger go to the house, with + the tactic consent of the sovereign and the proprietors; for I could not + expect the people of Berne would openly acknowledge the injustice they + had done me, and thus act contrary to the most inviolable maxim of all + sovereigns. + </p> + <p> + The island of St. Peter, called at Neuchatel the island of La Motte, in + the middle of the lake of Bienne, is half a league in, circumference; + but in this little space all the chief productions necessary to + subsistence are found. The island has fields, meadows, orchards, woods, + and vineyards, and all these, favored by variegated and mountainous + situations, form a distribution of the more agreeable, as the parts, not + being discovered all at once, are seen successively to advantage, and + make the island appear greater than it really is. A very elevated + terrace forms the western part of it, and commands Gleresse and + Neuverville. This terrace is planted with trees which form a long alley, + interrupted in the middle by a great saloon, in which, during the + vintage, the people from the neighboring shores assemble and divert + themselves. There is but one house in the whole island, but that is very + spacious and convenient, inhabited by the receiver, and situated in a + hollow by which it is sheltered from the winds. + </p> + <p> + Five or six hundred paces to the south of the island of St. Peter is + another island, considerably less than the former, wild and + uncultivated, which appears to have been detached from the greater + island by storms: its gravelly soil produces nothing but willows and + persicaria, but there is in it a high hill well covered with greensward + and very pleasant. The form of the lake is an almost regular oval. The + banks, less rich than those of the lake of Geneva and Neuchatel, form a + beautiful decoration, especially towards the western part, which is well + peopled, and edged with vineyards at the foot, of a chain of mountains, + something like those of Cote-Rotie, but which produce not such excellent + wine. The bailiwick of St. John, Neuveville, Berne, and Bienne, lie in a + line from the south to the north, to the extremity of the lake, the + whole interspersed with very agreeable villages. + </p> + <p> + Such was the asylum I had prepared for myself, and to which I was + determined to retire alter quitting Val de Travers. + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + [It may perhaps be necessary to remark that I left there an enemy in + M. du Teneaux, mayor of Verrieres, not much esteemed in the country, + but who has a brother, said to be an honest man, in the office of M. + de St. Florentin. The mayor had been to see him sometime before my + adventure. Little remarks of this kind, though of no consequence, in + themselves, may lead to the discovery of many underhand dealings.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + This choice was so agreeable to my peaceful inclinations, and my + solitary and indolent disposition, that I consider it as one of the + pleasing reveries of which I became the most passionately fond. I + thought I should in that island be more separated from men, more + sheltered from their outrages, and sooner forgotten by mankind: in a + word, more abandoned to the delightful pleasures of the inaction of a + contemplative life. I could have wished to have been confined in it in + such a manner as to have had no intercourse with mortals, and I + certainly took every measure I could imagine to relieve me from the + necessity of troubling my head about them. + </p> + <p> + The great question was that of subsistence, and by the dearness of + provisions, and the difficulty of carriage, this is expensive in the + island; the inhabitants are besides at the mercy of the receiver. This + difficulty was removed by an arrangement which Du Peyrou made with me in + becoming a substitute to the company which had undertaken and abandoned + my general edition. I gave him all the materials necessary, and made the + proper arrangement and distribution. To the engagement between us I + added that of giving him the memoirs of my life, and made him the + general depositary of all my papers, under the express condition of + making no use of them until after my death, having it at heart quietly + to end my days without doing anything which should again bring me back + to the recollection of the public. The life annuity he undertook to pay + me was sufficient to my subsistence. My lord marshal having recovered + all his property, had offered me twelve hundred livres (fifty pounds) a + year, half of which I accepted. He wished to send me the principal, and + this I refused on account of the difficulty of placing it. He then sent + the amount to Du Peyrou, in whose hands it remained, and who pays me the + annuity according to the terms agreed upon with his lordship. Adding + therefore to the result of my agreement with Du Peyrou, the annuity of + the marshal, two-thirds of which were reversible to Theresa after my + death, and the annuity of three hundred livres from Duchesne, I was + assured of a genteel subsistence for myself, and after me for Theresa, + to whom I left seven hundred livres (twenty-nine pounds) a year, from + the annuities paid me by Rey and the lord marshal; I had therefore no + longer to fear a want of bread. But it was ordained that honor should + oblige me to reject all these resources which fortune and my labors + placed within my reach, and that I should die as poor as I had lived. It + will be seen whether or not, without reducing myself to the last degree + of infamy, I could abide by the engagements which care has always taken + to render ignominious, by depriving me of every other resource to force + me to consent to my own dishonor. How was it possible anybody could + doubt of the choice I should make in such an alternative? Others have + judged of my heart by their own. + </p> + <p> + My mind at ease relative to subsistence was without care upon every + other subject. Although I left in the world the field open to my + enemies, there remained in the noble enthusiasm by which my writings + were dictated, and in the constant uniformity of my principles, an + evidence of the uprightness of my heart which answered to that deducible + from my conduct in favor of my natural disposition. I had no need of any + other defense against my calumniators. They might under my name describe + another man, but it was impossible they should deceive such as were + unwilling to be imposed upon. I could have given them my whole life to + animadvert upon, with a certainty, notwithstanding all my faults and + weaknesses, and my want of aptitude to, support the lightest yoke, of + their finding me in every situation a just and good man, without + bitterness, hatred, or jealousy, ready to acknowledge my errors, and + still more prompt to forget the injuries I received from others; seeking + all my happiness in love, friendship, and affection and in everything + carrying my sincerity even to imprudence and the most incredible + disinterestedness. + </p> + <p> + I therefore in some measure took leave of the age in which I lived and + my contemporaries, and bade adieu to the world, with an intention to + confine myself for the rest of my days to that island; such was my + resolution, and it was there I hoped to execute the great project of the + indolent life to which I had until then consecrated the little activity + with which Heaven had endowed me. The island was to become to me that of + Papimanie, that happy country where the inhabitants sleep: + </p> + <blockquote> + <p> + Ou l'on fait plus, ou l'on fait nulle chose. + </p> + <p> + [Where they do more: where they do nothing.] + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + This more was everything for me, for I never much regretted sleep; + indolence is sufficient to my happiness, and provided I do nothing, I + had rather dream waking than asleep. Being past the age of romantic + projects, and having been more stunned than flattered by the trumpet of + fame, my only hope was that of living at ease, and constantly at + leisure. This is the life of the blessed in the world to come, and for + the rest of mine here below I made it my supreme happiness. + </p> + <p> + They who reproach me with so many contradictions, will not fail here to + add another to the number. I have observed the indolence of great + companies made them unsupportable to me, and I am now seeking solitude + for the sole purpose of abandoning myself to inaction. This however is + my disposition; if there be in it a contradiction, it proceeds from + nature and not from me; but there is so little that it is precisely on + that account that I am always consistent. The indolence of company is + burdensome because it is forced. That of solitude is charming because it + is free, and depends upon the will. In company I suffer cruelly by + inaction, because this is of necessity. I must there remain nailed to my + chair, or stand upright like a picket, without stirring hand or foot, + not daring to run, jump, sing, exclaim, nor gesticulate when I please, + not allowed even to dream, suffering at the same time the fatigue of + inaction and all the torment of constraint; obliged to pay attention to + every foolish thing uttered, and to all the idle compliments paid, and + constantly to keep my mind upon the rack that I may not fail to + introduce in my turn my jest or my lie. And this is called idleness! It + is the labor of a galley slave. + </p> + <p> + The indolence I love is not that of a lazy fellow who sits with his arms + across in total inaction, and thinks no more than he acts, but that of a + child which is incessantly in motion doing nothing, and that of a dotard + who wanders from his subject. I love to amuse myself with trifles, by + beginning a hundred things and never finishing one of them, by going or + coming as I take either into my head, by changing my project at every + instant, by following a fly through all its windings, in wishing to + overturn a rock to see what is under it, by undertaking with ardor the + work of ten years, and abandoning it without regret at the end of ten + minutes; finally, in musing from morning until night without order or + coherence, and in following in everything the caprice of a moment. + </p> + <p> + Botany, such as I have always considered it, and of which after my own + manner I began to become passionately fond, was precisely an idle study, + proper to fill up the void of my leisure, without leaving room for the + delirium of imagination or the weariness of total inaction. Carelessly + wandering in the woods and the country, mechanically gathering here a + flower and there a branch; eating my morsel almost by chance, observing + a thousand and a thousand times the same things, and always with the + same interest, because I always forgot them, were to me the means of + passing an eternity without a weary moment. However elegant, admirable, + and variegated the structure of plants may be, it does not strike an + ignorant eye sufficiently to fix the attention. The constant analogy, + with, at the same time, the prodigious variety which reigns in their + conformation, gives pleasure to those only who have already some idea of + the vegetable system. Others at the sight of these treasures of nature + feel nothing more than a stupid and monotonous admiration. They see + nothing in detail because they know not for what to look, nor do they + perceive the whole, having no idea of the chain of connection and + combinations which overwhelms with its wonders the mind of the observer. + I was arrived at that happy point of knowledge, and my want of memory + was such as constantly to keep me there, that I knew little enough to + make the whole new to me, and yet everything that was necessary to make + me sensible to the beauties of all the parts. The different soils into + which the island, although little, was divided, offered a sufficient + variety of plants, for the study and amusement of my whole life. I was + determined not to leave a blade of grass without analyzing it, and I + began already to take measures for making, with an immense collection of + observations, the 'Flora Petrinsularis'. + </p> + <p> + I sent for Theresa, who brought with her my books and effects. We + boarded with the receiver of the island. His wife had sisters at Nidau, + who by turns came to see her, and were company for Theresa. I here made + the experiment of the agreeable life which I could have wished to + continue to the end of my days, and the pleasure I found in it only + served to make me feel to a greater degree the bitterness of that by + which it was shortly to be succeeded. + </p> + <p> + I have ever been passionately fond of water, and the sight of it throws + me into a delightful reverie, although frequently without a determinate + object. + </p> + <p> + Immediately after I rose from my bed I never failed, if the weather was + fine, to run to the terrace to respire the fresh and salubrious air of + the morning, and glide my eye over the horizon of the lake, bounded by + banks and mountains, delightful to the view. I know no homage more + worthy of the divinity than the silent admiration excited by the + contemplation of his works, and which is not externally expressed. I can + easily comprehend the reason why the inhabitants of great cities, who + see nothing but walls, and streets, have but little faith; but not + whence it happens that people in the country, and especially such as + live in solitude, can possibly be without it. How comes it to pass that + these do not a hundred times a day elevate their minds in ecstasy to the + Author of the wonders which strike their senses. For my part, it is + especially at rising, wearied by a want of sleep, that long habit + inclines me to this elevation which imposes not the fatigue of thinking. + But to this effect my eyes must be struck with the ravishing beauties of + nature. In my chamber I pray less frequently, and not so fervently; but + at the view of a fine landscape I feel myself moved, but by what I am + unable to tell. I have somewhere read of a wise bishop who in a visit to + his diocese found an old woman whose only prayer consisted in the single + interjection "Oh!"—"Good mother," said he to her, "continue to + pray in this manner; your prayer is better than ours." This better + prayer is mine also. + </p> + <p> + After breakfast, I hastened, with a frown on my brow, to write a few + pitiful letters, longing ardently for the moment after which I should + have no more to write. I busied myself for a few minutes about my books + and papers, to unpack and arrange them, rather than to read what they + contained; and this arrangement, which to me became the work of + Penelope, gave me the pleasure of musing for a while. I then grew weary, + and quitted my books to spend the three or four hours which remained to + me of the morning in the study of botany, and especially of the system + of Linnaeus, of which I became so passionately fond, that, after having + felt how useless my attachment to it was, I yet could not entirely shake + it off. This great observer is, in my opinion, the only one who, with + Ludwig, has hitherto considered botany as a naturalist, and a + philosopher; but he has too much studied it in herbals and gardens, and + not sufficiently in nature herself. For my part, whose garden was always + the whole island, the moment I wanted to make or verify an observation, + I ran into the woods or meadows with my book under my arm, and there + laid myself upon the ground near the plant in question, to examine it at + my ease as it stood. This method was of great service to me in gaining a + knowledge of vegetables in their natural state, before they had been + cultivated and changed in their nature by the hands of men. Fagon, first + physician to Louis XIV., and who named and perfectly knew all the plants + in the royal garden, is said to have been so ignorant in the country as + not to know how to distinguish the same plants. I am precisely the + contrary. I know something of the work of nature, but nothing of that of + the gardener. + </p> + <p> + I gave every afternoon totally up to my indolent and careless + disposition, and to following without regularity the impulse of the + moment. When the weather was calm, I frequently went immediately after I + rose from dinner, and alone got into the boat. The receiver had taught + me to row with one oar; I rowed out into the middle of the lake. The + moment I withdrew from the bank, I felt a secret joy which almost made + me leap, and of which it is impossible for me to tell or even comprehend + the cause, if it were not a secret congratulation on my being out of the + reach of the wicked. I afterwards rowed about the lake, sometimes + approaching the opposite bank, but never touching at it. I often let my + boat float at the mercy of the wind and water, abandoning myself to + reveries without object, and which were not the less agreeable for their + stupidity. I sometimes exclaimed, "O nature! O my mother! I am here + under thy guardianship alone; here is no deceitful and cunning mortal to + interfere between thee and me." In this manner I withdrew half a league + from land; I could have wished the lake had been the ocean. However, to + please my poor dog, who was not so fond as I was of such a long stay on + the water, I commonly followed one constant course; this was going to + land at the little island where I walked an hour or two, or laid myself + down on the grass on the summit of the hill, there to satiate myself + with the pleasure of admiring the lake and its environs, to examine and + dissect all the herbs within my reach, and, like another Robinson + Crusoe, built myself an imaginary place of residence in the island. I + became very much attached to this eminence. When I brought Theresa, with + the wife of the receiver and her sisters, to walk there, how proud was I + to be their pilot and guide! We took there rabbits to stock it. This was + another source of pleasure to Jean Jacques. These animals rendered the + island still more interesting to me. I afterwards went to it more + frequently, and with greater pleasure to observe the progress of the new + inhabitants. + </p> + <p> + To these amusements I added one which recalled to my recollection the + delightful life I led at the Charmettes, and to which the season + particularly invited me. This was assisting in the rustic labors of + gathering of roots and fruits, of which Theresa and I made it a pleasure + to partake with the wife of the receiver and his family. I remember a + Bernois, one M. Kirkeberguer, coming to see me, found me perched upon a + tree with a sack fastened to my waist, and already so full of apples + that I could not stir from the branch on which I stood. I was not sorry + to be caught in this and similar situations. I hoped the people of + Berne, witnesses to the employment of my leisure, would no longer think + of disturbing my tranquillity but leave me at peace in my solitude. I + should have preferred being confined there by their desire: this would + have rendered the continuation of my repose more certain. + </p> + <p> + This is another declaration upon which I am previously certain of the + incredulity of many of my readers, who obstinately continue to judge me + by themselves, although they cannot but have seen, in the course of my + life, a thousand internal affections which bore no resemblance to any of + theirs. But what is still more extraordinary is, that they refuse me + every sentiment, good or indifferent, which they have not, and are + constantly ready to attribute to me such bad ones as cannot enter into + the heart of man: in this case they find it easy to set me in opposition + to nature, and to make of me such a monster as cannot in reality exist. + Nothing absurd appears to them incredible, the moment it has a tendency + to blacken me, and nothing in the least extraordinary seems to them + possible, if it tends to do me honor. + </p> + <p> + But, notwithstanding what they may think or say, I will still continue + faithfully to state what J. J. Rousseau was, did, and thought; without + explaining, or justifying, the singularity of his sentiments and ideas, + or endeavoring to discover whether or not others have thought as he did. + I became so delighted with the island of St. Peter, and my residence + there was so agreeable to me that, by concentrating all my desires + within it, I formed the wish that I might stay there to the end of my + life. The visits I had to return in the neighborhood, the journeys I + should be under the necessity of making to Neuchatel, Bienne, Yverdon, + and Nidau, already fatigued my imagination. A day passed out of the + island, seemed to me a loss of so much happiness, and to go beyond the + bounds of the lake was to go out of my element. Past experience had + besides rendered me apprehensive. The very satisfaction that I received + from anything whatever was sufficient to make me fear the loss of it, + and the ardent desire I had to end my days in that island, was + inseparable from the apprehension of being obliged to leave it. I had + contracted a habit of going in the evening to sit upon the sandy shore, + especially when the lake was agitated. I felt a singular pleasure in + seeing the waves break at my feet. I formed of them in my imagination + the image of the tumult of the world contrasted with the peace of my + habitation; and this pleasing idea sometimes softened me even to tears. + The repose I enjoyed with ecstasy was disturbed by nothing but the fear + of being deprived of it, and this inquietude was accompanied with some + bitterness. I felt my situation so precarious as not to dare to depend + upon its continuance. "Ah! how willingly," said I to myself, "would I + renounce the liberty of quitting this place, for which I have no desire, + for the assurance of always remaining in it. Instead of being permitted + to stay here by favor, why am I not detained by force! They who suffer + me to remain may in a moment drive me away, and can I hope my + persecutors, seeing me happy, will leave me here to continue to be so? + Permitting me to live in the island is but a trifling favor. I could + wish to be condemned to do it, and constrained to remain here that I may + not be obliged to go elsewhere." I cast an envious eye upon Micheli du + Cret, who, quiet in the castle of Arbourg, had only to determine to be + happy to become so. In fine, by abandoning myself to these reflections, + and the alarming apprehensions of new storms always ready to break over + my head, I wished for them with an incredible ardor, and that instead of + suffering me to reside in the island, the Bernois would give it me for a + perpetual prison; and I can assert that had it depended upon me to get + myself condemned to this, I would most joyfully have done it, preferring + a thousand times the necessity of passing my life there to the danger of + being driven to another place. + </p> + <p> + This fear did not long remain on my mind. When I least expected what was + to happen, I received a letter from the bailiff of Nidau, within whose + jurisdiction the island of St. Peter was; by his letter he announced to + me from their excellencies an order to quit the island and their states. + I thought myself in a dream. Nothing could be less natural, reasonable, + or foreseen than such an order: for I considered my apprehensions as the + result of inquietude in a man whose imagination was disturbed by his + misfortunes, and not to proceed from a foresight which could have the + least foundation. The measures I had taken to insure myself the tacit + consent of the sovereign, the tranquillity with which I had been left to + make my establishment, the visits of several people from Berne, and that + of the bailiff himself, who had shown me such friendship and attention, + and the rigor of the season in which it was barbarous to expel a man who + was sickly and infirm, all these circumstances made me and many people + believe that there was some mistake in the order and that ill-disposed + people had purposely chosen the time of the vintage and the vacation of + the senate suddenly to do me an injury. + </p> + <p> + Had I yielded to the first impulse of my indignation, I should + immediately have departed. But to what place was I to go? What was to + become of me at the beginning of the winter, without object, + preparation, guide or carriage? Not to leave my papers and effects at + the mercy of the first comer, time was necessary to make proper + arrangements, and it was not stated in the order whether or not this + would be granted me. The continuance of misfortune began to weigh down + my courage. For the first time in my life I felt my natural haughtiness + stoop to the yoke of necessity, and, notwithstanding the murmurs of my + heart, I was obliged to demean myself by asking for a delay. I applied + to M. de Graffenried, who had sent me the order, for an explanation of + it. His letter, conceived in the strongest terms of disapprobation of + the step that had been taken, assured me it was with the greatest regret + he communicated to me the nature of it, and the expressions of grief and + esteem it contained seemed so many gentle invitations to open to him my + heart: I did so. I had no doubt but my letter would open the eyes of my + persecutors, and that if so cruel an order was not revoked, at least a + reasonable delay, perhaps the whole winter, to make the necessary + preparations for my retreat, and to choose a place of abode, would be + granted me. + </p> + <p> + Whilst I waited for an answer, I reflected upon my situation, and + deliberated upon the steps I had to take. I perceived so many + difficulties on all sides, the vexation I had suffered had so strongly + affected me, and my health was then in such a bad state, that I was + quite overcome, and the effect of my discouragement was to deprive me of + the little resource which remained in my mind, by which I might, as well + as it was possible to do it, have withdrawn myself from my melancholy + situation. In whatever asylum I should take refuge, it appeared + impossible to avoid either of the two means made use of to expel me. One + of which was to stir up against me the populace by secret manoeuvres; + and the other to drive me away by open force, without giving a reason + for so doing. I could not, therefore, depend upon a safe retreat, unless + I went in search of it farther than my strength and the season seemed + likely to permit. These circumstances again bringing to my recollection + the ideas which had lately occurred to me, I wished my persecutors to + condemn me to perpetual imprisonment rather than oblige me incessantly + to wander upon the earth, by successively expelling me from the asylums + of which I should make choice: and to this effect I made them a + proposal. Two days after my first letter to M. de Graffenried, I wrote + him a second, desiring he would state what I had proposed to their + excellencies. The answer from Berne to both was an order, conceived in + the most formal and severe terms, to go out of the island, and leave + every territory, mediate and immediate of the republic, within the space + of twenty-four hours, and never to enter them again under the most + grievous penalties. + </p> + <p> + This was a terrible moment. I have since that time felt greater anguish, + but never have I been more embarrassed. What afflicted me most was being + forced to abandon the project which had made me desirous to pass the + winter in the island. It is now time I should relate the fatal anecdote + which completed my disasters, and involved in my ruin an unfortunate + people, whose rising virtues already promised to equal those of Rome and + Sparta, I had spoken of the Corsicans in the 'Social Contract' as a new + people, the only nation in Europe not too worn out for legislation, and + had expressed the great hope there was of such a people, if it were + fortunate enough to have a wise legislator. My work was read by some of + the Corsicans, who were sensible of the honorable manner in which I had + spoken of them; and the necessity under which they found themselves of + endeavoring to establish their republic, made their chiefs think of + asking me for my ideas upon the subject. M. Buttafuoco, of one of the + first families in the country, and captain in France, in the Royal + Italians, wrote to me to that effect, and sent me several papers for + which I had asked to make myself acquainted with the history of the + nation and the state of the country. M. Paoli, also, wrote to me several + times, and although I felt such an undertaking to be superior to my + abilities; I thought I could not refuse to give my assistance to so + great and noble a work, the moment I should have acquired all the + necessary information. It was to this effect I answered both these + gentlemen, and the correspondence lasted until my departure. + </p> + <p> + Precisely at the same time, I heard that France was sending troops to + Corsica, and that she had entered into a treaty with the Genoese. This + treaty and sending of troops gave me uneasiness, and, without imagining + I had any further relation with the business, I thought it impossible + and the attempt ridiculous, to labor at an undertaking which required + such undisturbed tranquillity as the political institution of a people + in the moment when perhaps they were upon the point of being subjugated. + I did not conceal my fears from M. Buttafuoco, who rather relieved me + from them by the assurance that, were there in the treaty things + contrary to the liberty of his country, a good citizen like himself + would not remain as he did in the service of France. In fact, his zeal + for the legislation of the Corsicans, and his connections with M. Paoli, + could not leave a doubt on my mind respecting him; and when I heard he + made frequent journeys to Versailles and Fontainebleau, and had + conversations with M. de Choiseul, all I concluded from the whole was, + that with respect to the real intentions of France he had assurances + which he gave me to understand, but concerning which he did not choose + openly to explain himself by letter. + </p> + <p> + This removed a part of my apprehensions. Yet, as I could not comprehend + the meaning of the transportation of troops from France, nor reasonably + suppose they were sent to Corsica to protect the liberty of the + inhabitants, which they of themselves were very well able to defend + against the Genoese, I could neither make myself perfectly easy, nor + seriously undertake the plan of the proposed legislation, until I had + solid proofs that the whole was serious, and that the parties meant not + to trifle with me. I much wished for an interview with M. Buttafuoco, as + that was certainly the best means of coming at the explanation I wished. + Of this he gave me hopes, and I waited for it with the greatest + impatience. I know not whether he really intended me any interview or + not; but had this even been the case, my misfortunes would have + prevented me from profiting by it. + </p> + <p> + The more I considered the proposed undertaking, and the further I + advanced in the examination of the papers I had in my hands, the greater + I found the necessity of studying, in the country, the people for whom + institutions were to be made, the soil they inhabited, and all the + relative circumstances by which it was necessary to appropriate to them + that institution. I daily perceived more clearly the impossibility of + acquiring at a distance all the information necessary to guide me. This + I wrote to M. Buttafuoco, and he felt as I did. Although I did not form + the precise resolution of going to Corsica. I considered a good deal of + the means necessary to make that voyage. I mentioned it to M. Dastier, + who having formerly served in the island under M. de Maillebois, was + necessarily acquainted with it. He used every effort to dissuade me from + this intention, and I confess the frightful description he gave me of + the Corsicans and their country, considerably abated the desire I had of + going to live amongst them. + </p> + <p> + But when the persecutions of Motiers made me think of quitting + Switzerland, this desire was again strengthened by the hope of at length + finding amongst these islanders the repose refused me in every other + place. One thing only alarmed me, which was my unfitness for the active + life to which I was going to be condemned, and the aversion I had always + had to it. My disposition, proper for meditating at leisure and in + solitude, was not so for speaking and acting, and treating of affairs + with men. Nature, which had endowed me with the first talent, had + refused me the last. Yet I felt that, even without taking a direct and + active part in public affairs, I should as soon as I was in Corsica, be + under the necessity of yielding to the desires of the people, and of + frequently conferring with the chiefs. The object even of the voyage + required that, instead of seeking retirement, I should in the heart of + the country endeavor to gain the information of which I stood in need. + It was certain that I should no longer be master of my own time, and + that, in spite of myself, precipitated into the vortex in which I was + not born to move, I should there lead a life contrary to my inclination, + and never appear but to disadvantage. I foresaw that ill-supporting by + my presence the opinion my books might have given the Corsicans of my + capacity, I should lose my reputation amongst them, and, as much to + their prejudice as my own, be deprived of the confidence they had in me, + without which, however, I could not successfully produce the work they + expected from my pen. I am certain that, by thus going out of my sphere, + I should become useless to the inhabitants, and render myself unhappy. + </p> + <p> + Tormented, beaten by storms from every quarter, and, for several years + past, fatigued by journeys and persecution, I strongly felt a want of + the repose of which my barbarous enemies wantonly deprived me: I sighed + more than ever after that delicious indolence, that soft tranquillity of + body and mind, which I had so much desired, and to which, now that I had + recovered from the chimeras of love and friendship, my heart limited its + supreme felicity. I viewed with terror the work I was about to + undertake; the tumultuous life into which I was to enter made me + tremble, and if the grandeur, beauty, and utility of the object animated + my courage, the impossibility of conquering so many difficulties + entirely deprived me of it. + </p> + <p> + Twenty years of profound meditation in solitude would have been less + painful to me than an active life of six months in the midst of men and + public affairs, with a certainty of not succeeding in my undertaking. + </p> + <p> + I thought of an expedient which seemed proper to obviate every + difficulty. Pursued by the underhand dealings of my secret persecutors + to every place in which I took refuge, and seeing no other except + Corsica where I could in my old days hope for the repose I had until + then been everywhere deprived of, I resolved to go there with the + directions of M. Buttafuoco as soon as this was possible, but to live + there in tranquillity; renouncing, in appearance, everything relative to + legislation, and, in some measure, to make my hosts a return for their + hospitality, to confine myself to writing in the country the history of + the Corsicans, with a reserve in my own mind of the intention of + secretly acquiring the necessary information to become more useful to + them should I see a probability of success. In this manner, by not + entering into an engagement, I hoped to be enabled better to meditate in + secret and more at my ease, a plan which might be useful to their + purpose, and this without much breaking in upon my dearly beloved + solitude, or submitting to a kind of life which I had ever found + insupportable. + </p> + <p> + But the journey was not, in my situation, a thing so easy to get over. + According to what M. Dastier had told me of Corsica, I could not expect + to find there the most simple conveniences of life, except such as I + should take with me; linen, clothes, plate, kitchen furniture, and + books, all were to be conveyed thither. To get there myself with my + gouvernante, I had the Alps to cross, and in a journey of two hundred + leagues to drag after me all my baggage; I had also to pass through the + states of several sovereigns, and according to the example set to all + Europe, I had, after what had befallen me, naturally to expect to find + obstacles in every quarter, and that each sovereign would think he did + himself honor by overwhelming me with some new insult, and violating in + my person all the rights of persons and humanity. The immense expense, + fatigue, and risk of such a journey made a previous consideration of + them, and weighing every difficulty, the first step necessary. The idea + of being alone, and, at my age, without resource, far removed from all + my acquaintance, and at the mercy of these semi-barbarous and ferocious + people, such as M. Dastier had described them to me, was sufficient to + make me deliberate before I resolved to expose myself to such dangers. I + ardently wished for the interview for which M. Buttafuoco had given me + reason to hope, and I waited the result of it to guide me in my + determination. + </p> + <p> + Whilst I thus hesitated came on the persecutions of Motiers, which + obliged me to retire. I was not prepared for a long journey, especially + to Corsica. I expected to hear from Buttafuoco; I took refuge in the + island of St. Peter, whence I was driven at the beginning of winter, as + I have already stated. The Alps, covered with snow, then rendered my + emigration impracticable, especially with the promptitude required from + me. It is true, the extravagant severity of a like order rendered the + execution of it almost impossible; for, in the midst of that concentred + solitude, surrounded by water, and having but twenty-four hours after + receiving the order to prepare for my departure, and find a boat and + carriages to get out of the island and the territory, had I had wings, I + should scarcely have been able to pay obedience to it. This I wrote to + the bailiff of Nidau, in answer to his letter, and hastened to take my + departure from a country of iniquity. In this manner was I obliged to + abandon my favorite project, for which reason, not having in my + oppression been able to prevail upon my persecutors to dispose of me + otherwise, I determined, in consequence of the invitation of my lord + marshal, upon a journey to Berlin, leaving Theresa to pass the winter in + the island of St. Peter, with my books and effects, and depositing my + papers in the hands of M. du Peyrou. I used so much diligence that the + next morning I left the island and arrived at Bienne before noon. An + accident, which I cannot pass over in silence, had here well nigh put an + end to my journey. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the news or my having received an order to quit my asylum was + circulated, I received a great number of visits from the neighborhood, + and especially from the Bernois, who came with the most detestable + falsehood to flatter and soothe me, protesting that my persecutors had + seized the moment of the vacation of the senate to obtain and send me + the order, which, said they, had excited the indignation of the two + hundred. Some of these comforters came from the city of Bienne, a little + free state within that of Berne, and amongst others a young man of the + name of Wildremet whose family was of the first rank, and had the + greatest credit in that city. Wildremet strongly solicited me in the + name of his fellow-citizens to choose my retreat amongst them, assuring + me that they were anxiously desirous of it, and that they would think it + an honor and their duty to make me forget the persecutions I had + suffered; that with them I had nothing to fear from the influence of the + Bernois, that Bienne was a free city, governed by its own laws, and that + the citizens were unanimously resolved not to hearken to any + solicitation which should be unfavorable to me. + </p> + <p> + Wildremet perceiving all he could say to be ineffectual, brought to his + aid several other persons, as well from Bienne and the environs as from + Berne; even, and amongst others, the same Kirkeberguer, of whom I have + spoken, who, after my retreat to Switzerland had endeavored to obtain my + esteem, and by his talents and principles had interested me in his + favor. But I received much less expected and more weighty solicitations + from M. Barthes, secretary to the embassy from France, who came with + Wildremet to see me, exhorted me to accept his invitation, and surprised + me by the lively and tender concern he seemed to feel for my situation. + I did not know M. Barthes; however I perceived in what he said the + warmth and zeal of friendship, and that he had it at heart to persuade + me to fix my residence at Bienne. He made the most pompous eulogium of + the city and its inhabitants, with whom he showed himself so intimately + connected as to call them several times in my presence his patrons and + fathers. + </p> + <p> + This from Barthes bewildered me in my conjectures. I had always + suspected M. de Choisuel to be the secret author of all the persecutions + I suffered in Switzerland. The conduct of the resident of Geneva, and + that of the ambassador at Soleure but too much confirmed my suspicion; I + perceived the secret influence of France in everything that happened to + me at Berne, Geneva and Neuchatel, and I did not think I had any + powerful enemy in that kingdom, except the Duke de Choiseul. What + therefore could I think of the visit of Barthes and the tender concern + he showed for my welfare? My misfortunes had not yet destroyed the + confidence natural to my heart, and I had still to learn from experience + to discern snares under the appearance of friendship. I sought with + surprise the reason of the benevolence of M. Barthes; I was not weak + enough to believe he had acted from himself; there was in his manner + something ostentatious, an affectation even which declared a concealed + intention, and I was far from having found in any of these little + subaltern agents, that generous intrepidity which, when I was in a + similar employment, had often caused a fermentation in my heart. I had + formerly known something of the Chevalier Beauteville, at the castle of + Montmorency; he had shown me marks of esteem; since his appointment to + the embassy he had given me proofs of his not having entirely forgotten + me, accompanied with an invitation to go and see him at Soleure. Though + I did not accept this invitation, I was extremely sensible of his + civility, not having been accustomed to be treated with such kindness by + people in place. I presume M. de Beauteville, obliged to follow his + instructions in what related to the affairs of Geneva, yet pitying me + under my misfortunes, had by his private cares prepared for me the + asylum of Bienne, that I might live there in peace under his auspices. I + was properly sensible of his attention, but without wishing to profit by + it and quite determined upon the journey to Berlin, I sighed after the + moment in which I was to see my lord marshal, persuaded I should in + future find zeal repose and lasting happiness nowhere but near his + person. + </p> + <p> + On my departure from the island, Kirkeberguer accompanied me to Bienne. + I found Wildremet and other Biennois, who, by the water side, waited my + getting out of the boat. We all dined together at the inn, and on my + arrival there my first care was to provide a chaise, being determined to + set off the next morning. Whilst we were at dinner these gentlemen + repeated their solicitations to prevail upon me to stay with them, and + this with such warmth and obliging protestations, that notwithstanding + all my resolutions, my heart, which has never been able to resist + friendly attentions, received an impression from theirs; the moment they + perceived I was shaken, they redoubled their efforts with so much effect + that I was at length overcome, and consented to remain at Bienne, at + least until the spring. + </p> + <p> + Wildremet immediately set about providing me with a lodging, and + boasted, as of a fortunate discovery, of a dirty little chamber in the + back of the house, on the third story, looking into a courtyard, where I + had for a view the display of the stinking skins of a dresser of chamois + leather. My host was a man of a mean appearance, and a good deal of a + rascal; the next day after I went to his house I heard that he was a + debauchee, a gamester, and in bad credit in the neighborhood. He had + neither wife, children, nor servants, and shut up in my solitary + chamber, I was in the midst of one of the most agreeable countries in + Europe, lodged in a manner to make me die of melancholy in the course of + a few days. What affected me most was, that, notwithstanding what I had + heard of the anxious wish of the inhabitants to receive me amongst them, + I had not perceived, as I passed through the streets, anything polite + towards me in their manners, or obliging in their looks. I was, however, + determined to remain there; but I learned, saw, and felt, the day after, + that there was in the city a terrible fermentation, of which I was the + cause. Several persons hastened obligingly to inform me that on the next + day I was to receive an order conceived in the most severe terms, + immediately to quit the state, that is the city. I had nobody in whom I + could confide; they who had detained me were dispersed. Wildremet had + disappeared; I heard no more of Barthes, and it did not appear that his + recommendation had brought me into great favor with those whom he had + styled his patrons and fathers. One M. de Van Travers, a Bernois, who + had an agreeable house not far from the city, offered it to me for my + asylum, hoping, as he said, that I might there avoid being stoned. The + advantage this offer held out was not sufficiently flattering to tempt + me to prolong my abode with these hospitable people. + </p> + <p> + Yet, having lost three days by the delay, I had greatly exceeded the + twenty-four hours the Bernois had given me to quit their states, and + knowing their severity, I was not without apprehensions as to the manner + in which they would suffer me to cross them, when the bailiff of Nidau + came opportunely and relieved me from my embarrassment. As he had highly + disapproved of the violent proceedings of their excellencies, he + thought, in his generosity, he owed me some public proof of his taking + no part in them, and had courage to leave his bailiwick to come and pay + me a visit at Bienne. He did me this favor the evening before my + departure, and far from being incognito he affected ceremony, coming in + fiocchi in his coach with his secretary, and brought me a passport in + his own name that I might cross the state of Berne at my ease, and + without fear of molestation. I was more flattered by the visit than by + the passport, and should have been as sensible of the merit of it, had + it had for object any other person whatsoever. Nothing makes a greater + impression on my heart than a well-timed act of courage in favor of the + weak unjustly oppressed. + </p> + <p> + At length, after having with difficulty procured a chaise, I next + morning left this barbarous country, before the arrival of the + deputation with which I was to be honored, and even before I had seen + Theresa, to whom I had written to come to me, when I thought I should + remain at Bienne, and whom I had scarcely time to countermand by a short + letter, informing her of my new disaster. In the third part of my + memoirs, if ever I be able to write them, I shall state in what manner, + thinking to set off for Berlin, I really took my departure for England, + and the means by which the two ladies who wished to dispose of my + person, after having by their manoeuvres driven me from Switzerland, + where I was not sufficiently in their power, at last delivered me into + the hands of their friend. + </p> + <p> + I added what follows on reading my memoirs to M. and Madam, the Countess + of Egmont, the Prince Pignatelli, the Marchioness of Mesme, and the + Marquis of Juigne. + </p> + <p> + I have written the truth: if any person has heard of things contrary to + those I have just stated, were they a thousand times proved, he has + heard calumny and falsehood; and if he refuses thoroughly to examine and + compare them with me whilst I am alive, he is not a friend either to + justice or truth. For my part, I openly, and without the least fear + declare, that whoever, even without having read my works, shall have + examined with his own eyes, my disposition, character, manners, + inclinations, pleasures, and habits, and pronounce me a dishonest man, + is himself one who deserves a gibbet. + </p> + <p> + Thus I concluded, and every person was silent; Madam d'Egmont was the + only person who seemed affected; she visibly trembled, but soon + recovered herself, and was silent like the rest of the company. Such + were the fruits of my reading and declaration. + </p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br /> + <h3> + THE ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +A feeling heart the foundation of all my misfortunes +A religion preached by such missionaries must lead to paradise! +A subject not even fit to make a priest of +A man, on being questioned, is immediately on his guard +Adopted the jargon of books, than the knowledge they contained +All animals are distrustful of man, and with reason +All your evils proceed from yourselves! +An author must be independent of success +Ardor for learning became so far a madness +Aversion to singularity +Avoid putting our interests in competition with our duty +Being beat like a slave, I judged I had a right to all vices +Bilboquet +Catholic must content himself with the decisions of others +Caution is needless after the evil has happened +Cemented by reciprocal esteem +Considering this want of decency as an act of courage +Conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions +Degree of sensuality had mingled with the smart and shame +Die without the aid of physicians +Difficult to think nobly when we think for a livelihood +Dine at the hour of supper; sup when I should have been asleep +Disgusted with the idle trifling of a convent +Dissembler, though, in fact, I was only courteous +Dying for love without an object +Endeavoring to hide my incapacity, I rarely fail to show it +Endeavoring to rise too high we are in danger of falling +Ever appearing to feel as little for others as herself +Finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine +First instance of violence and oppression is so deeply engraved +First time in my life, of saying, "I merit my own esteem" +Flattery, or rather condescension, is not always a vice +Force me to be happy in the manner they should point out +Foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment +Hastening on to death without having lived +Hat, only fit to be carried under his arm +Have the pleasure of seeing an ass ride on horseback +Have ever preferred suffering to owing +Her excessive admiration or dislike of everything +Hold fast to aught that I have, and yet covet nothing more +Hopes, in which self-love was by no means a loser +How many wrongs are effaced by the embraces of a friend! +I never much regretted sleep +I strove to flatter my idleness +I never heard her speak ill of persons who were absent +I loved her too well to wish to possess her +I felt no dread but that of being detected +I was long a child, and am so yet in many particulars +I am charged with the care of myself only +I only wished to avoid giving offence +I did not fear punishment, but I dreaded shame +I had a numerous acquaintance, yet no more than two friends +Idea of my not being everything to her +Idleness is as much the pest of society as of solitude +If you have nothing to do, you must absolutely speak continually +In the course of their lives frequently unlike themselves +In company I suffer cruelly by inaction +In a nation of blind men, those with one eye are kings +Indolence, negligence and delay in little duties to be fulfilled +Indolence of company is burdensome because it is forced +Injustice of mankind which embitters both life and death +Insignificant trash that has obtained the name of education +Instead of being delighted with the journey only wished arrival +Is it possible to dissimulate with persons whom we love? +Jean Bapiste Rousseau +Knew how to complain, but not how to act +Law that the accuser should be confined at the same time +Left to nature the whole care of my own instruction +Less degree of repugnance in divulging what is really criminal +Letters illustrious in proportion as it was less a trade +Loaded with words and redundancies +Looking on each day as the last of my life +Love of the marvellous is natural to the human heart +Make men like himself, instead of taking them as they were +Making their knowledge the measure of possibilities +Making me sensible of every deficiency +Manoeuvres of an author to the care of publishing a good book +Men, in general, make God like themselves +Men of learning more tenaciously retain their predjudices +Mistake wit for sense +Moment I acquired literary fame, I had no longer a friend +Money that we possess is the instrument of liberty +Money we lack and strive to obtain is the instrument of slavery +More stunned than flattered by the trumpet of fame +More folly than candor in the declaration without necessity +Multiplying persons and adventures +My greatest faults have been omissions +Myself the principal object +Necessity, the parent of industry, suggested an invention +Neither the victim nor witness of any violent emotions +No sooner had lost sight of men than I ceased to despise them +No longer permitted to let old people remain out of Paris +Not so easy to quit her house as to enter it +Not knowing how to spend their time, daily breaking in upon me +Nothing absurd appears to them incredible +Obliged to pay attention to every foolish thing uttered +Obtain their wishes, without permitting or promising anything +One of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive +Only prayer consisted in the single interjection "Oh!" +Painful to an honest man to resist desires already formed +Passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admire +Piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of it +Placing unbounded confidence in myself and others +Prescriptions serve to flatter the hopes of the patient +Priests ought never to have children—except by married women +Proportioned rather to her ideas than abilities +Protestants, in general, are better instructed +Rather bashful than modest +Rather appeared to study with than to instruct me +Read the hearts of others by endeavoring to conceal our own +Read description of any malady without thinking it mine +Read without studying +Remorse wakes amid the storms of adversity +Remorse sleeps in the calm sunshine of prosperity +Reproach me with so many contradictions +Return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave +Rogues know how to save themselves at the expense of the feeble +Satisfaction of weeping together +Seeking, by fresh offences, a return of the same chastisement +Sin consisted only in the scandal +Slighting her favors, if within your reach, a unpardonable crime +Sometimes encourage hopes they never mean to realize +Substituting cunning to knowledge +Supposed that certain, which I only knew to be probable +Taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as I had imagined +That which neither women nor authors ever pardon +The malediction of knaves is the glory of an honest man +The conscience of the guilty would revenge the innocent +There is nothing in this world but time and misfortune +There is no clapping of hands before the king +This continued desire to control me in all my wishes +Though not a fool, I have frequently passed for one +To make him my apologies for the offence he had given me +True happiness is indescribable, it is only to be felt +Trusting too implicitly to their own innocence +Tyranny of persons who called themselves my friends +Virtuous minds, which vice never attacks openly +Voltaire was formed never to be(happy) +We learned to dissemble, to rebel, to lie +What facility everything which favors the malignity of man +When once we make a secret of anything to the person we love +When everyone is busy, you may continue silent +Whence comes it that even a child can intimidate a man +Where merit consists in belief, and not in virtue +Whole universe would be interested in my concerns +Whose discourses began by a distribution of millions +Wish thus to be revenged of me for their humiliation +Without the least scruple, freely disposing of my time +Writing for bread would soon have extinguished my genius +Yielded him the victory, or rather declined the contest + +</pre> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of J. 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